[ { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the fish say when it hit the wall?", "punchline": "Dam." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do you make a tissue dance?", "punchline": "You put a little boogie on it." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What's Forrest Gump's password?", "punchline": "1Forrest1" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a belt made out of watches?", "punchline": "A waist of time." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why can't bicycles stand on their own?", "punchline": "They are two tired" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How does a train eat?", "punchline": "It goes chew, chew" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a singing Laptop?", "punchline": "A Dell" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How many lips does a flower have?", "punchline": "Tulips" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do you organize an outer space party?", "punchline": "You planet" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What kind of shoes does a thief wear?", "punchline": "Sneakers" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What's the best time to go to the dentist?", "punchline": "Tooth hurty." }, { "type": "knock-knock", "setup": "Knock knock. \n Who's there? \n A broken pencil. \n A broken pencil who?", "punchline": "Never mind. It's pointless." }, { "type": "knock-knock", "setup": "Knock knock. \n Who's there? \n Cows go. \n Cows go who?", "punchline": "No, cows go moo." }, { "type": "knock-knock", "setup": "Knock knock. \n Who's there? \n Little old lady. \n Little old lady who?", "punchline": "I didn't know you could yodel!" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "What's the best thing about a Boolean?", "punchline": "Even if you're wrong, you're only off by a bit." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy?", "punchline": "Inheritance" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "Where do programmers like to hangout?", "punchline": "The Foo Bar." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "Why did the programmer quit his job?", "punchline": "Because he didn't get arrays." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?", "punchline": "It ended in a tie." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a laughing motorcycle?", "punchline": "A Yamahahahaha." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "A termite walks into a bar and says...", "punchline": "'Where is the bar tended?'" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe?", "punchline": "Narnia business!" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?", "punchline": "Because Oct 31 == Dec 25" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks...", "punchline": "'Can I join you?'" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?", "punchline": "None that's a hardware problem" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program", "punchline": "the rest of them will write Perl" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "['hip', 'hip']", "punchline": "(hip hip array)" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "To understand what recursion is...", "punchline": "You must first understand what recursion is" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "There are 10 types of people in this world...", "punchline": "Those who understand binary and those who don't" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?", "punchline": "Put it on my bill" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?", "punchline": "It gets toad away" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "did you know the first French fries weren't cooked in France?", "punchline": "they were cooked in Greece" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "Which song would an exception sing?", "punchline": "Can't catch me - Avicii" }, { "type": "knock-knock", "setup": "Knock knock. \n Who's there? \n Opportunity.", "punchline": "That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "Why do Java programmers wear glasses?", "punchline": "Because they don't C#." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?", "punchline": "Because he was a fungi." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Do you know what the word 'was' was initially?", "punchline": "Before was was was was was is." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity...", "punchline": "It's impossible to put down" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in there?", "punchline": "European" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?", "punchline": "Never mind...it's tearable" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "I just watched a documentary about beavers.", "punchline": "It was the best dam show I ever saw" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store...", "punchline": "Does that make you an iWitness?" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...", "punchline": "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?", "punchline": "Because he was a little horse" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "If you boil a clown...", "punchline": "Do you get a laughing stock?" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Finally realized why my plant sits around doing nothing all day...", "punchline": "He loves his pot." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Don't look at the eclipse through a colander.", "punchline": "You'll strain your eyes." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.", "punchline": "I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do chicken coops only have two doors?", "punchline": "Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a factory that sells passable products?", "punchline": "A satisfactory" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?", "punchline": "Yep, people are just dying to get in there" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?", "punchline": "He couldn't see himself doing it" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do you make holy water?", "punchline": "You boil the hell out of it" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.", "punchline": "I woke up exhausted!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why is peter pan always flying?", "punchline": "Because he neverlands" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "How do you check if a webpage is HTML5?", "punchline": "Try it out on Internet Explorer" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a cow with no legs?", "punchline": "Ground beef!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "I dropped a pear in my car this morning.", "punchline": "You should drop another one, then you would have a pair." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "Lady: How do I spread love in this cruel world?", "punchline": "Random Dude: [...💘]" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "A user interface is like a joke.", "punchline": "If you have to explain it then it is not that good." }, { "type": "knock-knock", "setup": "Knock knock. \n Who's there? \n Hatch. \n Hatch who?", "punchline": "Bless you!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call sad coffee?", "punchline": "Despresso." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?", "punchline": "To make ends meat." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the hungry clock?", "punchline": "It went back four seconds." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Well...", "punchline": "That’s a deep subject." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world?", "punchline": "It was legend dairy." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you watch the new comic book movie?", "punchline": "It was very graphic!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "I started a new business making yachts in my attic this year...", "punchline": "The sails are going through the roof." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "I got hit in the head by a soda can, but it didn't hurt that much...", "punchline": "It was a soft drink." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "I can't tell if i like this blender...", "punchline": "It keeps giving me mixed results." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "I couldn't get a reservation at the library...", "punchline": "They were fully booked." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "I was gonna tell you a joke about UDP...", "punchline": "...but you might not get it." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "The punchline often arrives before the set-up.", "punchline": "Do you know the problem with UDP jokes?" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards?", "punchline": "Because they use a strongly typed language." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you give to a lemon in need?", "punchline": "Lemonaid." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Never take advice from electrons.", "punchline": "They are always negative." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Hey, dad, did you get a haircut?", "punchline": "No, I got them all cut." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What time is it?", "punchline": "I don't know... it keeps changing." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, \"Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?\"", "punchline": "Pop,goes the weasel." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Bad at golf?", "punchline": "Join the club." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?", "punchline": "Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Can February march?", "punchline": "No, but April may." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Can I watch the TV?", "punchline": "Yes, but don’t turn it on." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Dad, can you put my shoes on?", "punchline": "I don't think they'll fit me." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?", "punchline": "They say the business is toast." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?", "punchline": "They had a reptile dysfunction." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?", "punchline": "There was nothing left but de Brie." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?", "punchline": "It was udder destruction." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?", "punchline": "They say he made a mint." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?", "punchline": "He's all right now." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?", "punchline": "It's ok, he woke up." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?", "punchline": "He had loco motives" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?", "punchline": "The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?", "punchline": "He just took it in stride" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?", "punchline": "He had a very esteemed colleague." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the submarine industry?", "punchline": "It really took a dive..." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?", "punchline": "Now we just have to call him Dav." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?", "punchline": "It reads \"Small medium at large.\"" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun?", "punchline": "She was a roman catholic." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear the news?", "punchline": "FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?", "punchline": "Neither did he." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?", "punchline": "But most just have 4." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do ghosts call their true love?", "punchline": "Their ghoul-friend" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you know that protons have mass?", "punchline": "I didn't even know they were catholic." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?", "punchline": "Just in case you get a hole in one." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Do I enjoy making courthouse puns?", "punchline": "Guilty" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?", "punchline": "The stock market." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?", "punchline": "In a nutshell, it's an oak tree." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Ever wondered why bees hum?", "punchline": "It's because they don't know the words." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?", "punchline": "They mostly wrap." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Have you heard of the band 1023MB?", "punchline": "They haven't got a gig yet." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?", "punchline": "Never mind, I shouldn't spread it." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How are false teeth like stars?", "punchline": "They come out at night!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How can you tell a vampire has a cold?", "punchline": "They start coffin." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?", "punchline": "He was a good conductor." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How come the stadium got hot after the game?", "punchline": "Because all of the fans left." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?", "punchline": "He felt his presents." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?", "punchline": "He ate the pizza before it was cool." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do hens stay fit?", "punchline": "They always egg-cercise!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do locomotives know where they're going?", "punchline": "Lots of training" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do the trees get on the internet?", "punchline": "They log on." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do you find Will Smith in the snow?", "punchline": " Look for fresh prints." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do you fix a broken pizza?", "punchline": "With tomato paste." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?", "punchline": "You use a pumpkin patch." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do you get a baby alien to sleep?", "punchline": " You rocket." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do you get two whales in a car?", "punchline": "Start in England and drive West." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?", "punchline": "Your head hits the ceiling!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do you make a hankie dance?", "punchline": "Put a little boogie in it." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How good are you at Power Point?", "punchline": "I Excel at it." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do you organize a space party?", "punchline": "You planet." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do you steal a coat?", "punchline": "You jacket." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?", "punchline": "You will see one later and one in a while." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How does a dyslexic poet write?", "punchline": "Inverse." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How does a French skeleton say hello?", "punchline": "Bone-jour." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How does a penguin build it’s house?", "punchline": "Igloos it together." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How does a scientist freshen their breath?", "punchline": "With experi-mints!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How does the moon cut his hair?", "punchline": "Eclipse it." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How many apples grow on a tree?", "punchline": "All of them!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How many bones are in the human hand?", "punchline": "A handful of them." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?", "punchline": "Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?", "punchline": "Let's go ride bikes!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?", "punchline": "1 or 2? 1... or 2?" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How many seconds are in a year?", "punchline": "12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?", "punchline": "A Brazilian" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?", "punchline": "Ten-tickles!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How much does a hipster weigh?", "punchline": "An instagram." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?", "punchline": "A little shaken." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Is the pool safe for diving?", "punchline": "It deep ends." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Is there a hole in your shoe?", "punchline": "No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti?", "punchline": "Pasta la vista, baby!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?", "punchline": "200 Dollars." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Want to hear a chimney joke?", "punchline": "Got stacks of em! First one's on the house" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Want to hear a joke about construction?", "punchline": "Nah, I'm still working on it." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Want to hear my pizza joke?", "punchline": "Never mind, it's too cheesy." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What animal is always at a game of cricket?", "punchline": "A bat." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What are the strongest days of the week?", "punchline": "Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What biscuit does a short person like?", "punchline": "Shortbread. " }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What cheese can never be yours?", "punchline": "Nacho cheese." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?", "punchline": "A spelling bee." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?", "punchline": "She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?", "punchline": " Billy Jeans!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did one nut say as he chased another nut?", "punchline": " I'm a cashew!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did one plate say to the other plate?", "punchline": "Dinner is on me!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did one snowman say to the other snow man?", "punchline": "Do you smell carrot?" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did one wall say to the other wall?", "punchline": "I'll meet you at the corner!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?", "punchline": "Lil Caesars" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the 0 say to the 8?", "punchline": "Nice belt." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the beaver say to the tree?", "punchline": "It's been nice gnawing you." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the big flower say to the littler flower?", "punchline": "Hi, bud!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school?", "punchline": "Bison." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?", "punchline": "Look, no hands!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the dog say to the two trees?", "punchline": "Bark bark." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?", "punchline": "Cool Ranch!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?", "punchline": "Damn!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the grape do when he got stepped on?", "punchline": "He let out a little wine." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the judge say to the dentist?", "punchline": "Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the late tomato say to the early tomato?", "punchline": "I’ll ketch up" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the left eye say to the right eye?", "punchline": "Between us, something smells!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the mountain climber name his son?", "punchline": "Cliff." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the ocean say to the beach?", "punchline": "Thanks for all the sediment." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the ocean say to the shore?", "punchline": "Nothing, it just waved." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees?", "punchline": "They're really good at it." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?", "punchline": "Aye Matey!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the Red light say to the Green light?", "punchline": "Don't look at me I'm changing!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the scarf say to the hat?", "punchline": "You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the shy pebble wish for?", "punchline": "That she was a little boulder." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?", "punchline": "Don't look I'm changing!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?", "punchline": "Make me one with everything." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do birds give out on Halloween?", "punchline": "Tweets." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do I look like?", "punchline": "A JOKE MACHINE!?" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do prisoners use to call each other?", "punchline": "Cell phones." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do vegetarian zombies eat?", "punchline": "Grrrrrainnnnnssss." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a bear with no teeth?", "punchline": "A gummy bear!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a bee that lives in America?", "punchline": "A USB." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?", "punchline": "A stick." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a careful wolf?", "punchline": "Aware wolf." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a cow on a trampoline?", "punchline": "A milk shake!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a cow with two legs?", "punchline": "Lean beef." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?", "punchline": "Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice?", "punchline": "A Popsicle." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a dictionary on drugs?", "punchline": "High definition." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?", "punchline": "a labracadabrador" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?", "punchline": "R2 detour." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a duck that gets all A's?", "punchline": "A wise quacker." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a fake noodle?", "punchline": "An impasta." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?", "punchline": "A metro-gnome" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a fat psychic?", "punchline": "A four-chin teller." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a fly without wings?", "punchline": "A walk." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a girl between two posts?", "punchline": "Annette." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a group of disorganized cats?", "punchline": "A cat-tastrophe." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?", "punchline": "An Orca-stra." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a monkey in a mine field?", "punchline": "A babooooom!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?", "punchline": "Shakespeare." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a pig that knows karate?", "punchline": "A pork chop!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a pig with three eyes?", "punchline": "Piiig" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a pile of cats?", "punchline": " A Meowtain." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a sheep with no legs?", "punchline": "A cloud." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler?", "punchline": "A poutine." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call an alligator in a vest?", "punchline": "An in-vest-igator!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?", "punchline": "Roberto" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?", "punchline": "Talonted!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?", "punchline": "An irrelephant." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call an old snowman?", "punchline": "Water." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call cheese by itself?", "punchline": "Provolone." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call corn that joins the army?", "punchline": "Kernel." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call someone with no nose?", "punchline": "Nobody knows." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call two barracuda fish?", "punchline": " A Pairacuda!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you do on a remote island?", "punchline": "Try and find the TV island it belongs to." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you do when you see a space man?", "punchline": "Park your car, man." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you get hanging from Apple trees?", "punchline": "Sore arms." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?", "punchline": "A bah-humbug." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk?", "punchline": "A fowl smell!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?", "punchline": "Hare spray." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?", "punchline": "Frostbite." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you give a sick lemon?", "punchline": "Lemonaid." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What does a clock do when it's hungry?", "punchline": "It goes back four seconds!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What does a female snake use for support?", "punchline": "A co-Bra!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What does a pirate pay for his corn?", "punchline": "A buccaneer!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What does an angry pepper do?", "punchline": "It gets jalapeño face." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?", "punchline": "They will give you a piece of your mind." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What has ears but cannot hear?", "punchline": "A field of corn." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?", "punchline": " I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand..." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What is a tornado's favorite game to play?", "punchline": "Twister!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What is a vampire's favorite fruit?", "punchline": "A blood orange." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What is a witch's favorite subject in school?", "punchline": "Spelling!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What is red and smells like blue paint?", "punchline": "Red paint!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?", "punchline": "I don't know and I don't care." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What is the hardest part about sky diving?", "punchline": "The ground." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What is the leading cause of dry skin?", "punchline": "Towels" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What is the least spoken language in the world?", "punchline": "Sign Language" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What is the tallest building in the world?", "punchline": "The library, it’s got the most stories!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What is this movie about?", "punchline": "It is about 2 hours long." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What kind of award did the dentist receive?", "punchline": "A little plaque." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What kind of bagel can fly?", "punchline": "A plain bagel." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?", "punchline": "A stega-snore-us." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator?", "punchline": "A Fermilabrador Retriever." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What kind of magic do cows believe in?", "punchline": "MOODOO." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What kind of music do planets listen to?", "punchline": "Nep-tunes." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What kind of pants do ghosts wear?", "punchline": "Boo jeans." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What kind of tree fits in your hand?", "punchline": "A palm tree!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?", "punchline": "A nervous wreck." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?", "punchline": "A tuba toothpaste." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What time did the man go to the dentist?", "punchline": "Tooth hurt-y." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What type of music do balloons hate?", "punchline": "Pop music!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What was a more important invention than the first telephone?", "punchline": "The second one." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport?", "punchline": "Squash." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What's black and white and read all over?", "punchline": "The newspaper." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What's blue and not very heavy?", "punchline": " Light blue." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What's brown and sticky?", "punchline": "A stick." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What's orange and sounds like a parrot?", "punchline": "A Carrot." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What's red and bad for your teeth?", "punchline": "A Brick." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What's the best thing about elevator jokes?", "punchline": "They work on so many levels." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?", "punchline": "You can tune a guitar but you can't \"tuna\"fish!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?", "punchline": "One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?", "punchline": "An ion! " }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher?", "punchline": "They can't control their pupils." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What's the worst thing about ancient history class?", "punchline": "The teachers tend to Babylon." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What’s brown and sounds like a bell?", "punchline": "Dung!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What’s E.T. short for?", "punchline": "He’s only got little legs." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password?", "punchline": "1forest1" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?", "punchline": "Well, the flag is a big plus." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?", "punchline": "About 5000 miles." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "When do doctors get angry?", "punchline": "When they run out of patients." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "When does a joke become a dad joke?", "punchline": "When it becomes apparent." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "When is a door not a door?", "punchline": "When it's ajar." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Where did you learn to make ice cream?", "punchline": "Sunday school." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Where do bees go to the bathroom?", "punchline": " The BP station." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Where do hamburgers go to dance?", "punchline": "The meat-ball." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Where do rabbits go after they get married?", "punchline": "On a bunny-moon." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?", "punchline": "The baa-baa shop." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Where do you learn to make banana splits?", "punchline": "At sundae school." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Where do young cows eat lunch?", "punchline": "In the calf-ateria." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Where does batman go to the bathroom?", "punchline": "The batroom." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch?", "punchline": "Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Where does Napoleon keep his armies?", "punchline": "In his sleevies." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?", "punchline": "At the bottom! " }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Where’s the bin?", "punchline": "I haven’t been anywhere!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Which side of the chicken has more feathers?", "punchline": "The outside." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Who did the wizard marry?", "punchline": "His ghoul-friend" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?", "punchline": "The hip Doctor!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why are fish easy to weigh?", "punchline": "Because they have their own scales." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why are fish so smart?", "punchline": "Because they live in schools!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why are ghosts bad liars?", "punchline": "Because you can see right through them!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why are graveyards so noisy?", "punchline": "Because of all the coffin." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why are mummys scared of vacation?", "punchline": "They're afraid to unwind." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why are oranges the smartest fruit?", "punchline": "Because they are made to concentrate. " }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why are pirates called pirates?", "punchline": "Because they arrr!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why are skeletons so calm?", "punchline": "Because nothing gets under their skin." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?", "punchline": "It's two-tired." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why can't you use \"Beef stew\"as a password?", "punchline": "Because it's not stroganoff." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?", "punchline": "Because then it'd be a foot!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?", "punchline": "The p is silent." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?", "punchline": "Because it was rated arrr!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?", "punchline": "He was too far out, man." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?", "punchline": "He made a grave mistake." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships?", "punchline": "So they could Scandinavian." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?", "punchline": "Because he had a vowel movement." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the barber win the race?", "punchline": "He took a short cut." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the belt go to prison?", "punchline": "He held up a pair of pants!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall?", "punchline": "To prove that he was framed!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the chicken get a penalty?", "punchline": "For fowl play." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the coffee file a police report?", "punchline": "It got mugged." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the cookie cry?", "punchline": "Because his mother was a wafer so long" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the cookie cry?", "punchline": "It was feeling crumby." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the cowboy have a weiner dog?", "punchline": "Somebody told him to get a long little doggy." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders?", "punchline": "To hold his pants up." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?", "punchline": "To go with the traffic jam." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the half blind man fall in the well?", "punchline": "Because he couldn't see that well!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the house go to the doctor?", "punchline": "It was having window panes." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the kid cross the playground?", "punchline": "To get to the other slide." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer?", "punchline": "He wanted cold hard cash!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the man run around his bed?", "punchline": "Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the melons plan a big wedding?", "punchline": "Because they cantaloupe!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?", "punchline": "Because it was well armed." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the opera singer go sailing?", "punchline": "They wanted to hit the high Cs." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the scarecrow win an award?", "punchline": "Because he was outstanding in his field." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the tomato blush?", "punchline": "Because it saw the salad dressing." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the tree go to the dentist?", "punchline": "It needed a root canal." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?", "punchline": "Lack of concentration." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub?", "punchline": "Because he is 2 square." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why didn’t the orange win the race?", "punchline": "It ran out of juice." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?", "punchline": "Because he had no guts." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?", "punchline": "Because they might peel!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do bears have hairy coats?", "punchline": "Fur protection." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do bees have sticky hair?", "punchline": "Because they use honey combs!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do bees hum?", "punchline": "Because they don't know the words." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do birds fly south for the winter?", "punchline": "Because it's too far to walk." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do choirs keep buckets handy?", "punchline": "So they can carry their tune" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do crabs never give to charity?", "punchline": "Because they’re shellfish." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do ducks make great detectives?", "punchline": "They always quack the case." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.?", "punchline": "Because it's indivisible." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do pirates not know the alphabet?", "punchline": "They always get stuck at \"C\"." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?", "punchline": "They have no hands to knock on the door." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?", "punchline": "Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?", "punchline": "Dunno, they're just a bit shady." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?", "punchline": "Because they can't even." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?", "punchline": "To prevent bat breath!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?", "punchline": "Because they're so good at it." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?", "punchline": "Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?", "punchline": "Because it's a little meteor." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base?", "punchline": "Because there’s a Shortstop in between!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?", "punchline": "So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why does Superman get invited to dinners?", "punchline": "Because he is a Supperhero." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why does Waldo only wear stripes?", "punchline": "Because he doesn't want to be spotted." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "Knock-knock.", "punchline": "A race condition. Who is there?" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "What's the best part about TCP jokes?", "punchline": "I get to keep telling them until you get them." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.", "punchline": "A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "There are 10 kinds of people in this world.", "punchline": "Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Two guys walk into a bar . . .", "punchline": "The first guy says \"Ouch!\" and the second says \"Yeah, I didn't see it either.\"" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "What did the router say to the doctor?", "punchline": "It hurts when IP." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "An IPv6 packet is walking out of the house.", "punchline": "He goes nowhere." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer.", "punchline": "Bartender says, \"here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!\"" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "3 SQL statements walk into a NoSQL bar. Soon, they walk out", "punchline": "They couldn't find a table." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "I saw a nice stereo on Craigslist for $1. Seller says the volume is stuck on ‘high’", "punchline": "I couldn’t turn it down." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "What’s the object-oriented way to become wealthy?", "punchline": "Inheritance." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?", "punchline": "A maybe." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why was Cinderalla thrown out of the football team?", "punchline": "Because she ran away from the ball." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What kind of music do welders like?", "punchline": "Heavy metal." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why are “Dad Jokes” so good?", "punchline": "Because the punchline is apparent." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "Why dot net developers don't wear glasses?", "punchline": "Because they see sharp." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why is seven bigger than nine?", "punchline": "Because seven ate nine." }, { "type": "dad", "setup": "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?", "punchline": "In case they get a hole in one!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do you call a suspicious looking laptop?", "punchline": "Asus" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "What did the Java code say to the C code?", "punchline": "You've got no class." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "What is the most used language in programming?", "punchline": "Profanity." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?", "punchline": "Because DEC 25 = OCT 31" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "What goes after USA?", "punchline": "USB." }, { "type": "dad", "setup": "Why don't eggs tell jokes?", "punchline": "Because they would crack each other up." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "How do you make the number one disappear?", "punchline": "Add the letter G and it’s “gone”!" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.", "punchline": "I had to draw my own conclusions." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.", "punchline": "Thank you very much, sir." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why does Waldo only wear stripes?", "punchline": "Because he doesn't want to be spotted." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "A male developer often gets called as a Dev, then what would you call a female developer?", "punchline": "Devi." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the kid throw the watch out the window?", "punchline": "So time would fly." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "Where did the API go to eat?", "punchline": "To the RESTaurant." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why did the rooster cross the road?", "punchline": "He heard that the chickens at KFC were pretty hot." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?", "punchline": "He was Bjorn again" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What does the mermaid wear to math class?", "punchline": "Algae-bra." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage?", "punchline": "It was wrong on so many levels." }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "Hey, wanna hear a joke?", "punchline": "Parsing HTML with regex." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "Why didn't the skeleton go for prom?", "punchline": "Because it had nobody." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "A grocery store cashier asked if I would like my milk in a bag.", "punchline": "I told her 'No, thanks. The carton works fine.'" }, { "type": "general", "setup": "99.9% of the people are dumb!", "punchline": "Fortunately I belong to the remaining 1%" }, { "type": "programming", "setup": "I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.", "punchline": "They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "You see, mountains aren't just funny.", "punchline": "They are hill areas." }, { "type": "general", "setup": "What do elves post on Social Media?", "punchline": "Elf-ies." } ]