[A poorly compressed version of the “X-Files” theme plays] [Arachna-Angela]: I’m your host Arachna-Angela! [Froggy-Faye]: And I’m the co-host with the most, Froggy-Faye! [Together]: And this is The Secret Zone! [Froggy-Faye]: A podcast where we talk about what THEY don’t want you to know. [Jim]: Also I guess I’m here. [Arachna-Angela]: Oh, and we’ve got someone else with us today! [Froggy-Faye]: …I thought we talked about bringing your boyfriend on our show. How did a trapdoor spider like you even get a man in your deathtrap of a house? [Arachna-Angela]: You’re not supposed to just give away my species like that! THEY could use that information! I’ll have to edit that part out. [Jim]: She fished me out of one of her pitfall traps in her lawn. I was just trying to deliver her mail. [Froggy-Faye]: Yeah, I can see that. [Arachna-Angela]: Now you’re doing it, you can’t just say stuff like that! [Froggy-Faye]: I wish I could see you over this computer Jim. I can’t imagine the kind of guy who’d be willing to do this with her. [Jim]: I’m just trying to be supportive of Kathy… [Arachna-Angela]: DON’T USE MY REAL NAME! And you, I swear if you say HIS name again… ... [Arachna-Angela]: …I’m going to have to cut all this out, aren’t I? [Jim]: I’m sorry. [Arachna-Angela]: No, it’s fine baby. [Froggy-Faye]: So, uh, back to the topic we were supposed to talk about tonight… [Arachna-Angela]: YES, yes, we’re going to be talking about hidden evidence about mysterious species THEY don’t want us to know about. [Jim]: Is this about the Zionist reptilians again? [Arachna-Angela]: We’ve been over this, Zionist IGUANAS aren’t secret… but their plans are. [Froggy-Faye]: Anyway, we’ve got some documents THEY don’t want you to know about, links in the description. [Arachna-Angela]: Yeah, I found these two on the DEEP WEB… ... [Arachna-Angela]: …did you get it? [Jim]: No, it’s funny… I just… uh… [Froggy-Faye]: I knew adding a guy was a bad idea… [Froggy-Faye]: SO, first we have something that supports the existence of dragons! [Arachna-Angela]: That’s right, the OTHER kind of reptilian vying for control of the Earth. [Jim]: I think I’m following. [Froggy-Faye]: And the second one is about siphonophores. [Jim]: I’m not following. [Arachna-Angela]: That’s exactly why you need to be on here with us, we’ve gotta undo all that government brainwashing you’ve been through. [Jim]: Okay, whatever you say. It’s nice sharing this chair with you anyway. [Arachna-Angela]: Oooh... If you keep squeezing me that way we’re going to have to end this early. [Froggy-Faye]: I’m going to throw up listening to you two. [Jim]: What’s got her so upset? Are “the chemicals” really “making the frogs gay”? [Froggy-Faye]: THAT IS A REAL ISSUE IN THE AMPHIBIAN COMMUNITY, DON’T MAKE FUN OF IT! [Arachna-Angela]: She’s right though, I’ve got the statistics somewhere around here. [Jim]: What have I gotten myself into? [The first item appears to be a worn out napkin hastily written on in dark pen. Wear and wrinkling is minimized, but the age of the paper shows. Rumors point to it likely being written sometime in the 90’s.] Hey Benny, Before you even read all this, I need you to get every single phone number and connection you’ve got in one place. Now I know I’ve said this line before, but I’ve got a huge fucking opportunity here. Let me explain. You know how you told me I’d never make it big working in the company’s European division? Well you weren’t totally wrong. Because this has nothing to do with anything I did on the job. Actually it started after, on some company mandated tour of a stupid old castle. Damn thing was falling apart. Who the hell would want to see some stinking fort older than my grandmother anyway? Exactly why I ditched the tour guide and took a little tour of my own. I didn’t give a shit if my manager was going to call me out for leaving the group later, and I sure as hell don’t care now. See, that’s how I stumbled on something BIG Benny. While I was kicking around the old cobblestone, I skipped a few brightly colored signs. Not like I can read whatever gibberish they speak around here. So once I was off the beaten path and seeing some real shit, dusty paintings, old armor, the works, I realized no one was around there. Next thing I know, I can’t even find my way back, and shit is getting dustier and dustier. You think if they can charge so much for tickets into this place, they could afford a damn maid. But like I was saying, I was out in some forgotten corner when I got to feel a rumbling under my feet. Before I could move, the rumbling turns to an earthquake. Then the DAMN FLOOR collapses underneath me. THE FLOOR. Fucking euros can’t even build a floor right. Makes me wish I was already back in America. Good news is, I didn’t die falling down that pit. I am writing this letter after all, huh? Now, you’re going to have to trust me on all this. It’s all true. Cross my heart hope to die and all that stuff. I fell into a cave. Not just any cave. The place was littered with treasure. Yeah, real treasure. Like piles of golden coins, jewels as big as your fucking head, even old timey treasure chests. I though I might as well have died in that fall and went to heaven. Only, things got even weirder after that. While I did what any red-blooded man would do, immediately stuffing my pockets with the loot, I heard something that wasn't me. I wasn’t alone in there. SHE came walking in. I thought for a second she was a real big lizard, maybe like a gator back home. But she was bright red, not to mention had giant-ass horns. Those however, paled in comparison to the fucking cans on this woman, you would not believe it even if I had a picture to show you Benny! Taking a gander at this new treasure in front of me, I realized she was talking to me. Saying something in whatever tongues these people speak in over here. Took me a second to snap out of my daze to ask her, “This part of the tour or what?” She gives me this pissed off look, like I had pulled that tail of hers when she wasn’t looking. She spoke the right way after that, “Are you from the isles north of here? No matter, I shall strike you down here and now.” Now, I ain’t afraid of no dame… but if those honkers of hers could kill, you better fucking believe her giant-ass claws could. So I do the only thing a man like me can; turn on the charm. I give her one of my famous looks, you’ve probably seen it when we’ve gone out drinking together. Must have gotten her hot and bothered, because she breathed fucking FIRE at me. After that she starts telling me all about how some foreign peasant like me has no business in a dragon’s lair. Yeah, a DRAGON. Could all be an act, but she was more than convincing to me. Now I ain’t dumb though. Right Benny? So I get to figuring if there’s anything someone with so much treasure could ever want, it’d be even more gold. So even if my suit was a little singed, I flashed her another smile. I start giving her the company speech by memory. That if she forks over just a little bit of this wealth laying around, I could double it! Oh, the whole time she might have been giving me a look like a dead fish (like the kind of scaly women you bang Benny! Ha) but she was a whole lot more interested looking when I finished (unlike your last ex. You can agree with me on that one though, right?). After that she gives me some speech about how times change and all that. Says she hasn’t been able to leave in the last thousand years, as if she’s been alive that long. Tells me she can’t leave otherwise little thieves like me (guilty as charged) will take her stuff. First she goes putting a ring on my finger like we’re married. I of course try to get the damn thing off and into my pocket, but it must be some kind of Chinese finger trap deal. It won’t come loose. She says she put a curse or something on it, but we both know that’s bullshit. She says it’ll let her know where I am at all times, but considering I doubt this woman’s seen a piece of electric wire let alone some kind of spy tracking gizmo, I’m not buying into it. Now if you didn’t believe the last parts, you only need to believe this. After all the talk about some bullshit or whatever, she gives me a sack of gold, rubies, all kinds of crazy little things. Then she gets all business like, which I can respect. Starts laying out a whole contract. I won’t bore you with the details buddy, but long story short she wants me to come back with double the weight after a while “otherwise my soul is forfeit”. I didn’t say anything though. I’ll respect whatever fruity religion she follows, especially if it pays this good. So hear me out. I got what must be a fortune hidden in my suitcase right now. I’m quitting my job and heading to home sweet home across the ocean right now. When I get back, I expect all your contact information ready pronto. I’ll even cut you into this deal myself for the trouble. Hell, I’m even thinking. If I can turn a profit on this, I might even have a better plan than just stealing the shit. Look, I can’t overstate how much valuable shit she had in that hermit-cave of hers. If I actually make this deal go through, she might even trust me with some more jewels and shit the next time. Imagine that kind of money! If you skipped to the end of this like I know you will Benny, I’ll make a long story short. Get me as many investment deals as you can find, and I’ll make you a rich man. Okay? I’ll be seeing you soon, Marco [The next item appears noticeably water damaged, but the writing is still legible. The writing is delicately penned upon the page of a personal journal. Date of writing is unknown.] Day 3 Siphonophores Siphonophores I used to think they were a legend, about as real as a Mongolian death worm. Now I’m in a rush to learn everything I can about them. When I came to investigate the rumors of this legendary creature, I only expected to interview a few people and go home with a little article for the boss. Turns out, the damn thing is real. Legends vary on what these sea-dwellers are supposed to look like. Anything from color to shape seems to vary drastically. But I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Even worse, it’s seen me. It happened innocently enough, I was just looking for a local to ask about the myth. Maybe glean an amusing quote or two to throw into my work. But I got a lot more than I expected. It was late. Very late. I couldn’t help it, I had gotten there after dark. Still, the streetlights were enough to see by. Eager as ever, I even tried to walk the sidewalk and see if I could ask a passing pedestrian a question or two. How foolish I was. By the waves crashing over the rocks and in the dim light of a single lamp along the coast I saw them. A large trenchcoated figure moved slowly in the shadows. The only person I could see still walking outside. Without a thought for personal safety I moved towards the silhouette in the distance. I waved my hand as I approached, asking excitedly, “Do you have a moment to ask a few questions?” They didn’t answer me. As I drew closer and closer I realized their shape though large, was not constant. Underneath the thick fabric they seemed to move uneasily… My first thought was perhaps an old man with a limp. Besides, it could just be one of the more aquatic residents these coastal communities always seem to be full of. It’s not uncommon they have a little difficulty walking long distances when they’re so fond of swimming. I asked one more time as I was only steps away from them. “Sorry to be a bother, but could you answer a couple questions about rumors going around here?” I stood uncomfortably as I was answered with silence once again. In the pause, I realized the person I was trying to speak too was entirely cloaked. Only a mass of deep shadows residing underneath a thick hat and heavy coat. Nothing extended outside the sleeves, and the coat trailed all the way down to the sidewalk. With heavy discomfort starting to settle in, I considered simply turning away. However I heard something before the simple “goodbye,” could escape my lips. In what sounded like a chorus, many voices speaking at once, all decisively feminine I heard those dreaded words. “You will be suitable. We have chosen you. Succumb to your urges.” I tried to make sense of the situation I found myself in as I listened to the rustle of heavy cloth fluttering downward. Standing before me bare and uncovered was something I can hardly describe even now. Striking colors of bright blue, orange, and red were intermixed with transparent portions beyond my understanding. The shape, although reminiscent of the female form, was twisted, undulating with unknown shapes I could not grasp in such short time. I wish I could say more, but the pale light of the weak lamp only provided so much clarity. The face, still hidden underneath the shadow of the large hat, came closer to mine. In the next second, a strange appendage much like a tentacle wrapped around my arm. In a panic I hastily shook the moist limb from my arm, and ran for dear life. I only stole one glance behind me as I ran, but to my surprise she wasn’t giving chase. She instead held her position for a moment before turning straight to the water. The being dragged her previously forgotten coat with her as she reached the edge of the rocks. She would dive in soon after, but not before emitting another ominous siren song. “You will not be forgotten. We have chosen you. We will return when you are ready.” I fled straight to my residence for this trip. A small inn not far from the shore. While I tried to tell the bass who gave me my key about what I saw, he seemed wholly uninterested. That night I convinced myself it was a waking dream, the next morning a nightmare. I refused to believe the strange creature I had seen was actually real. That was until the next night. As I lay in bed, listening to the crash of waves, I heard another noise. A wet slapping across the ground. I told myself it was merely my imagination, but it grew louder. And louder. I don’t consider myself a coward, but when I turned to check the window from curiosity I nearly screamed. A shadow was outside my window, I was sure of it. The light was so low as to make any details impossible to decipher, but the shape was unmistakable. As I felt panic overwhelm me, I checked again, surely the visitor was merely my imagination? The second glance revealed no one. No shape, nothing outside. I threw off my covers and hurried to the window, yet I could see nothing in the darkness outside. Only the faint moonlight glittering off the waves outside. I desperately tried to calm my racing heart, I told it sweet lies, but the incident yesterday tore at me. I stayed awake most that night, only finding sleep a few hours before I was awoken. The next morning came eventually. Through a foggy, sleep-deprived mind I tried to convince myself it was all a dream, nothing more. My hopes were crushed however, when I left to acquire my breakfast. Outside my door was a sopping wet mess of strangely colorful seaweed. I grabbed my chest to steady myself. Soon my fear was tinged with more dreadful curiosity when I spotted a slip of paper poking out from the tangle. I hold it now as I write this. It looks like it’s been made wet and painstakingly dried-out many times, making the document very delicate. Atop the paper is a shaky message created from torn sections of a newspaper. “WE APOLOGIZE FOR language ISS ues . we Did not mean TO offend . please please PLEASE see Us SOON !”