Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 1: Why Are We Here?

Camera pans up to reveal Grif and Simmons standing on the red base
SIMMONS:Hey.
GRIF:Yeah?
SIMMONS:You ever wonder why we're here?
GRIF:It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it. Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of... some cosmic coincidence or, is there really a God... watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.
SIMMONS:...
GRIF:...
SIMMONS:What? I meant why are we out here, in this canyon?
GRIF:Oh, uh... yeah.
SIMMONS:What was all that stuff about God?
GRIF:Uh... hm? Nothing.
SIMMONS:You wanna talk about it?
GRIF:No
SIMMONS:You sure?
GRIF:Yeah.
SIMMONS:Seriously though, why are we out here? Far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere, with no way in or out.
GRIF:Mhm.
SIMMONS:And the only reason that we set up a red base here, is because they have a blue base over there. And the only reason they have a blue base over there is because we have a red base here.
GRIF:Yeah, that's because we're fighting each other.
SIMMONS:No no, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop de fucking do!
GRIF:What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys.
Church is looking through a sniper rifle at the red base, and Tucker is with him
TUCKER:What're they doing?
CHURCH:What?
TUCKER:I said what're they doing now?
CHURCH:God damn, I'm getting so sick of answering that question!
TUCKER:Hey you have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick all day.
CHURCH:Okay, okay look: They're just standing there, and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me "What're they doing?" my answer's gonna be "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!"
TUCKER:... What're they talking about?
CHURCH:You know what? I fucking hate you.
Grif and Simmons at the red base
GRIF:Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life. You know, fight them.
SIMMONS:Yeah, no shit. That's why they should put us in charge.
Sarge is standing on the ground, looking up at them
SARGE:Ladies! Front and center, on the double!
SIMMONS:Fuck, me.
GRIF:Yes sir!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 2: Red Gets a Delivery

Grif and Simmons run up in front of Sarge, and stand there
SARGE:Hurry up ladies, this ain't no ice cream social!
SIMMONS:Ice cream social?
SARGE:Stop the pillow-talk you two. Anyone want to guess, why I gathered you here, today?
GRIF:Um, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
SARGE:That's exactly it, private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here, is in charge of confetti!
GRIF:I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.
SARGE:God dammit private, shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!
SIMMONS:Oh, I'd do it too.
SARGE:I know you would Simmons... good man. Couple of things today, ladies: Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number 1.
GRIF:Crap, we're getting a rookie.
SARGE:That's right dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week. But today, we received the first part of our shipment from Command. Lopez... bring up the vehicle.
A jeep emerges from the hill behind Sarge
SIMMONS:Shotgun!
GRIF:Shotgun! Fuck!
SARGE:May I introduce, our new light reconnaissance vehicle. It has four inch armor plating, maaag buffer suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12-LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.
SIMMONS:Why 'Warthog' sir?
SARGE:Because M12-LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.
GRIF:No, but... why 'Warthog'? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig...
SARGE:Say that again?
GRIF:I think it looks more like a puma.
SARGE:What in sam hell is a puma?
SIMMONS:Uh... you mean like the shoe company?
GRIF:No, like a puma. It's a big cat. Like a lion.
SARGE:You're making that up.
GRIF:I'm telling you, it's a real animal!
SARGE:Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
SIMMONS:Yes sir!
SARGE:Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?
GRIF:A walrus.
SARGE:Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?
Church is looking at the red team through the sniper rifle, and Tucker is with him
TUCKER:What is that thing?
CHURCH:I don't know, but it looks like uh... looks like they got some kinda car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.
TUCKER:A car? How come they get a car?
CHURCH:What are you complaining about man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.
TUCKER:You can't pick up chicks in a tank.
CHURCH:Oh, you know what, you could bitch about anything, couldn't you. We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up man!? Firay, and secondly, how are we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?
TUCKER:Well what kind of car is it?
CHURCH:I don't know, I've never seen a car that looks like that before, it looks like a uh... like a big cat of some kind.
TUCKER:... ... what, like a puma?
CHURCH:Yeah man, there ya go.
Back to the reds
SARGE:So unless anybody else has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with 'the Warthog'. How about it Grif?
GRIF:No sir, no more suggestions.
SARGE:Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?
GRIF:That's okay.
SARGE:Unicorn?
GRIF:No really, I'm... I'm cool.
SARGE:Sasquatch?
SIMMONS:Leprechaun?
GRIF:Hey, he doesn't need any help man...
SARGE:Phoenix!
GRIF:Huh... Christ.
SARGE:Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard, eats all the goats?
SIMMONS:Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir!
SARGE:Hey Grif! Chupathingie, how 'bout that? I like it! Got a ring to it...


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 3: The Rookies

Simmons and Grif at the red base. A soldier in red armor is walking up the ramp behind them
SIMMONS:Hey that's not exactly what happened.
GRIF:Yes it is. You said "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-
SOLDIER IN RED ARMOR:Excuse me uh, sirs.
SIMMONS:Sirs?
GRIF:Ah crap.
RED ARMOR:I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge?
GRIF:Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.
SIMMONS:Actually private, he left me in charge while he's gone.
GRIF:You are such a kiss-ass.
SIMMONS:Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should... (clears throat) "Git in the Warthog, 'nd crush yer head like a tomato-can."
GRIF:That's the worst impression I've ever heard.
SIMMONS:Okay rookie, what's your story?
RED ARMOR:Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.
GRIF:Couple things here, rookie. First off, private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?
DONUT:This is the standard issue red.
GRIF:Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.
DONUT:Well, he's wearing red armor...
SIMMONS:No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red.
DONUT:Well how do I get a different color armor?
SIMMONS:I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.
Church, Tucker, and a soldier in blue armor are looking at a tank
SOLDIER IN BLUE ARMOR:So I say to the guy, "how're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship" and I go, "if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"
TUCKER:Hey kid.
BLUE ARMOR:Yeah?
TUCKER:You're ruining the moment. Shut up.
BLUE ARMOR:Oh. Okay. You got it man!
CHURCH:You know what? I could blow up the whole God damn world with this thing.
Back to the red base
SIMMONS:Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.
GRIF:I just refuse to call him Private Donut!
SIMMONS:We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?
DONUT:Absolutely!
SIMMONS:We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of Elbow Grease.
GRIF:Yeah and um, pick up some Headlight Fluid for the Puma too.
DONUT:The what?
SIMMONS:He means the Warthog.
GRIF:You do know where the store is, right rookie?
DONUT:What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.
SIMMONS:Well, get going then.
Donut starts running across the base
GRIF:Other way.
Donut turns around and goes the other way
DONUT:I knew that. Just, got turned around, that's all.
Grif and Simmons watch Donut running off in to the Gulch
SIMMONS:How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?
GRIF:I say, at least a week.
Donut running through the Gulch, stops and turns to talk to himself
DONUT:Elbow Grease, how stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that Headlight Fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sargeant.
Back to the blue base
TUCKER:You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.
CHURCH:Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?
TUCKER:Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets.
Back to Grif and Simmons at the red base
SIMMONS:You think that we were too mean to the kid?
GRIF:Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?
Donut is approaching the blue base
DONUT:Finally, there it is. OH SWEET, THEY SELL TANKS!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 4: Head BNF in Charge

Church, Tucker, and the soldier in blue armor are standing next to the tank, outside the base
CHURCH:Yeah I'll let you in on a little secret, I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home.
TUCKER:Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?
CHURCH:No, man, she's just my girlfriend, ya know? We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out, and... ah, you know how it works.
TUCKER:Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back?
SOLDIER IN BLUE ARMOR:I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
CHURCH:Hey rookie... did you just call my girlfriend a cow?
TUCKER:No, I think he called her a slut!
CHURCH:I'll tell you what newb, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.
ROOKIE:Great.
CHURCH:See, we've got this General.
TUCKER:Right, the General guy.
CHURCH:...who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by.
ROOKIE:When is he coming by?
TUCKER:We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now.
ROOKIE:You want me to stand at attention for a week?
CHURCH:You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag.
ROOKIE:What's so important about the flag?
CHURCH:Oh, come on, don't they teach you guys anything in training?
ROOKIE:They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?
CHURCH:Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.
TUCKER:Well, it's... it's complicated. Wuh... It's blue, we're blue
CHURCH:It's just important, okay, trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.
TUCKER:Right.
CHURCH:So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.
Rookie turns and heads for the base, stops half way and turns around
ROOKIE:Uh how will I know when I see him?
TUCKER:There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us.
CHURCH:Now get in there, and don't come out! (turns to Tucker) Man, that guy is dumber than you are.
TUCKER:You mean he's dumber than you are.
CHURCH:Wow, Tucker, that was a great come-back.
Rookie emerges from the base, with Church and Tucker in the distance
ROOKIE:Uh, mister Church? Sir?
CHURCH:Oh my God, WHAT!? Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him!
ROOKIE:Sorry about calling your girl a slut...
CHURCH:ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!
TUCKER:(turns around) Uh-huh huh huh huh
CHURCH:(turns around to face Tucker's back) Tucker, are you laughing at me?
Donut steps up behind Church
DONUT:Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?
CHURCH:Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I... I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!
DONUT:What did I do?
CHURCH:One...
DONUT:Aw, gimme a break.
CHURCH:TWO!
DONUT:Fine.
Donut runs in the base with the blue Rookie
ROOKIE:Wow... you got here fast.
DONUT:Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon.
ROOKIE:I'm not sir, what can I do for you?
DONUT:Finally, someone with a little respect around here.
ROOKIE:Yes Sir! I assume you're here because of this... (turns toward the flag)
DONUT:Wait, is this all you have?
ROOKIE:Uh, yes sir, that's it!
DONUT:Aw man, this figures. Shit. What about Elbow Grease?
ROOKIE:Uhhmmmm...
DONUT:Headlight Fluid?
ROOKIE:No, all we have is this flag.
DONUT:Well, I can't go back empty handed... I guess I'll take that.
ROOKIE:Sure... that makes sense. I guess.
DONUT:(leaving with the flag) Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.
Cut to Church and Tucker out by the tank
CHURCH:Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.
TUCKER:Me? I can't drive that thing.
CHURCH:You're telling me you're not Armor Certified?
TUCKER:I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle. Don't you know how to drive that?
CHURCH:No! Holy Crap! WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY!?
ROOKIE:(emerging from the base) Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the General stopped by, and picked up the flag!
CHURCH:Yeah. Okay. Whatever moron! Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...wait a second... what did he just say?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 5: The Package is In the Open

Church, Tucker, and the Rookie are standing on the blue base
CHURCH:Let me get this straight... you gave this guy our flag.
ROOKIE:Is that bad?
CHURCH:Bad? Oh no, that's not bad. Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole God damn base?
TUCKER:There, there he is.
Church raises the sniper rifle and looks at Donut with the flag
CHURCH:Where... oh, yeah, oh, I got him. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.
TUCKER:He must be one smart son of a bitch.
Scene cut to Donut with the flag, in the Gulch
DONUT:Oh, man, I am so freakin' lost. Where the hell is the base?
Back to the blue base
CHURCH:Oh, shit... Hey Tucker, look at his armor. It's Red.
TUCKER:Oh man, that means it's their Sargeant.
CHURCH:Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defences.
ROOKIE:Uh you know, he came in the back door where you guys were standing.
TUCKER:Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then.
CHURCH:Roger that. Okay, say goodnight Sarge.
Church takes four shots, all of which miss to the left
Cut to Donut
DONUT:Son of a bitch!
Back to the blue base
CHURCH:Aw crap.
TUCKER:...
CHURCH:...what?
TUCKER:You're really not very good with that thing, are you.
Back to Donut
DONUT:Hey! It's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember!?
Back to the blue base
TUCKER:Oh great, now he's taunting us. That's just embarassing.
CHURCH:Alright, that's it, I've had it. Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.
ROOKIE:Right!
CHURCH:Tucker, you ready? Let's go.
TUCKER:There is no way I'm going through that thing.
CHURCH:Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?
TUCKER:I don't know, why would they give us a tank that noone can drive?
CHURCH:We already tested the teleporter, remember?
TUCKER:We threw rocks through it!
CHURCH:Yeah, and, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?
TUCKER:Yeah, but they were all hot, and covered with black stuff.
CHURCH:Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then, you're afraid of a little black stuff.
TUCKER:Yes. I am. I am afraid of black stuff.
CHURCH:Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you. (raising his gun to Tucker)
TUCKER:You wouldn't...
CHURCH:You know, I look at it this way: either A, we go through there, and get the flag back, or B, we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.
TUCKER:For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people.
CHURCH:Duly noted. Now get in there.
TUCKER:Crap... Alright. One, two...
Tucker runs in to the teleporter, camera races across to the other side, then cut back to Church and the Rookie at the base for a couple seconds, back to the Gulch for a couple seconds, back to the base for a couple seconds, back to the Gulch for a couple seconds, back to the base
ROOKIE:... Huh, he didn't come out the other side...
CHURCH: Yeeeaaaahhhhh, I've uh, I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.
Church jumps off the base and starts running
CHURCH:Okay, Rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!
Cut to Grif and Simmons on the red base, Grif looking through the sniper rifle
SIMMONS:I still have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't hear any shots.
* I'm telling you, it was four shots. Like bam, bam, bam.
SIMMONS:Wait a second, that's only three bams.
GRIF:Bam. (sees Donut with the flag) Wait a second, we've got a blue guy on the move out there.
SIMMONS:Where's he headed?
GRIF:Oh crap... It... it's Donut. And he's got something... (zooms in, sees it's the flag) It looks like... Simmons, get the Warthog.
SIMMONS:Heh, you mean the Puma?
GRIF:Yeah, keep making jokes. That'll win the war.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 6: 1.21 Giga-Whats

Grif is looking through the sniper rifle, next to Simmons, at Donut with the blue flag
GRIF:Oh crap... It... it's Donut. And he's got something... (zooms in, sees it's the flag) It looks like... Simmons, get the Warthog.
SIMMONS:Heh, you mean the Puma?
Cut to Church running up to Donut, weapon drawn
CHURCH:Freeze!
DONUT:Hey, why the hell are you shooting at me? You coulda hit me, dick!
CHURCH:Can it. Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge I know who ya are We've been spying on you for three weeks now.
DONUT:I just got here two hours ago. And I'm not a Sargeant, I'm a Private.
CHURCH:Wait a minute you're not the Sargeant!
DONUT:Yeah, that's what I just said.
CHURCH:Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?
DONUT:Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!
Tucker emerges between them, through the transporter, his armor covered in black stuff
TUCKER:THREE!
CHURCH:JESUS!
DONUT:HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy?
CHURCH:What in the hell!? Tucker? Is that you?
TUCKER:How did you get up here ahead of me?
DONUT:And what's with that black shit on your armor?
TUCKER:Hey. Freeze Sarge!
DONUT:Would you stop calling me a Sargeant, I'm still just a Private.
TUCKER:The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time.
Cut to Grif and Simmons getting in the jeep, with upbeat polka-ish music playing
GRIF:Sorry Lopez, we need the jeep.
SIMMONS:I'll take gunner... (takes gunner) ...let's roll. (they drive off) Don't worry Lopez, I'll bring her back in one piece.
GRIF:How do you turn off the fucking radio in this car?
Back to Tucker, Church, and Donut
TUCKER:Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Some time in your future I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sargeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep, and I'm like "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"
CHURCH:Tucker? What the fuck are you babbling about?
TUCKER:I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sargeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals a flag while we're distracted.
DONUT:Is this guy a retard?
CHURCH:(jeep's music gets progressively louder during this speech) Red? Shut up. Tucker? Listen to me. Ya haven't gone back in time, okay? This is the guy who stole the flag, he's just not the Sargeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb rookie, who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow, just g... for God's sakes, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?
Warthog jumps over the hill barely missing Church
GRIF:Woohoo!
TUCKER:Holy shit!
CHURCH:Son of a bitch! Run! Jesus! Run!
TUCKER:The jeep followed me back in time!
Grif hops out of the Warthog and starts firing at Church and Tucker as they run away. Simmons is yelling and firing at them. What he yells throughout Grif's and Donut's conversation is underneath it
CHURCH:Ah! Git! The ah! Eeh!
GRIF:What the hell is going on here?
DONUT:You know what, I honestly have no idea what's going on. I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane.
GRIF:How did you get their flag?
DONUT:I don't know, I just asked for it.
GRIF:Wait, that worked?
DONUT:I guess. Is it not supposed to?
GRIF:I don't know, we, we never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.
DONUT:Not until someone tells me what the fuck is goi-
GRIF:There's no time to explain, rookie! Just take the flag, and go to base! I'll explain everything there.
DONUT:Fine...!
Donut starts running through the Gulch
GRIF:Hungh, back to our base, dumbass!
DONUT:Uh, I know, I just got turned around, that's all.
SIMMONS:That's right! That's right, I got your ass! Get off your ass and run, you cock bites! Right now! Yeah, not so pretty when you gotta run are you! Yeah, that's right. Stay there. You know where you flag is? We're gonna get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, blue! Come on, get out there! I've got a whole barrel of love to shoot you with! Come on! Get out now! Yeah, come on out! I know you like this! Come out where I can get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, blue! Be tough, get out there!
Cut to the Rookie looking at Church and Tucker through the sniper rifle
ROOKIE:Oh man, that's not good. (pans the rifle to the jeep) Oh my God that jeep has a really big gun.
The Rookie puts down the sniper rifle
ROOKIE:Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... Ah, screw it. (runs off to the tank)
Cut to Church and Tucker behind the rock. Simmons is still firing and yelling at them. What he says is below Church's line
CHURCH:Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run outta bullets some time...
SIMMONS:Yeah, get going, take that! I know you like that there, come out! Come here! Poke your head up! Come on blue! Get your head out there!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 7: Check Out the Treads on That Chick

NARRATOR:Last week, on Red Vs. Blue
Church backs in to frame from the left
CHURCH:Uh, hey dude, we didn't have a video last week. We were at E3, remember?
NARRATOR:I mean, week before last...
The Rookie is looking through the sniper rifle at Simmons in the back of the Warthog, firing at Church and Tucker
ROOKIE:Oh my God that jeep has a really big gun.
The Rookie puts down the sniper rifle
ROOKIE:Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... Ah, screw it. (runs off to the tank)
Title Screen
Church and Tucker behind a rock, bullets hitting the canyon wall behind them
CHURCH:My God, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?
TUCKER:You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.
CHURCH:Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?
TUCKER:Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.
CHURCH:Well, yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya.
Cut to the Rookie hopping in the tank. Tank canopy closes, tank turns on
TANK:Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
ROOKIE:Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
SHEILA:Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
ROOKIE:Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.
SHEILA:Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of the Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving.
ROOKIE:Okay.
Cut to Simmons firing the jeep's gun, and Grif on the ground behind him
GRIF:Simmons. SIMMONS!
Simmons stops firing, steps down
GRIF:Man, that thing is loud.
SIMMONS:WHAT?
Tank rolls by in the background
GRIF:Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out.
SIMMONS:OKAY.
GRIF:Keep it down! Jesus. Let's go, before they figure out what's going on.
Cut to the Rookie having Sheila stranded on a tall rock, turning, trying to get off of it
SHEILA:Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features.
ROOKIE:No, no, wait, go back! (unstrands the tank) Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?
Cut to Church peeking out from the side of the rock, Tucker standing behind it
CHURCH:(whispering) Psst, hey, they stopped firing.
TUCKER:Why are you whispering?
CHURCH:(whispering) Uhm... I don't know.
Cut to Simmons and Grif standing at the foot of a cliff
GRIF:Aw, crap, I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.
SIMMONS:Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?
Tank rolls up right behind them
GRIF:Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.
Tank's turret looks at Grif, then at Simmons
SIMMONS:Well at least that was fun.
Grif and Simmons both turn at once to see the tank
GRIF:Hoolyy crap. What in God's name is that thing?
Cut to Church and Tucker, looking at the vacant jeep
CHURCH:Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.
TUCKER:No they're not, look: they left the jeep. They're gone.
CHURCH:Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but... alright screw it, let's go get it.
Cut to the view from inside the tank, turret slowly homing in on Grif's head
GRIF:Dude hold still. I don't think it sees us.
Tank gets tone on Grif's head
NARRATOR:Coming up, on Red Vs. Blue. You've watched them for seven episodes. But next week, the unthinkable! Someone. Will. Die!
SARGE:... I sure hope it's Grif.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 8: Don't Ph34r the Reaper

Sheila's turret pointed at Grif, then it turns to face Simmons
GRIF:Why is it just sitting there?
SIMMONS:Just trying to mess with our heads. Let's get back to the Warthog.
Cut to the view from the tank
SHEILA:This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence, that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button.
ROOKIE:Auto-fire, auto-fire, here, here! No, wait... okay that's more a switch than a button...
SHEILA:(over top of the Rookie's lines) This will end the tutorial, and should only be activated if proper safety procedures...
Cut to Simmons and Grif
SIMMONS:Okay, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...
GRIF:Wait. On three? Or three and then go?
SIMMONS:On three. It's always faster to go on three.
GRIF:Okay, okay. On three.
Cut to the view from the tank
ROOKIE:Here!
SHEILA:Tutorial deactivated. Auto-fire sequence activated.
Cut to Simmons
SIMMONS:Ready?
Cut to the view from the tank
SHEILA:Acquiring target.
Cut to Church and Tucker
CHURCH:I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.
Cut to Simmons and Grif. Grif is backing away
SIMMONS:One...
Grif turns around and starts running away
Cut to view from the tank, tracking Grif
SHEILA:Target acquired.
Cut to Grif running
GRIF:Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit...
Cut to Simmons
SIMMONS:Two...
Cut to view from the tank, locking on to Grif's back
SHEILA:Target locked.
Cut to Church running toward the Warthog, breathing like he's giving birth
Cut to Simmons
SIMMONS:Three! (turns around, sees Grif running) Oh, you back-stabbing cock bite!
SHEILA:Firing main cannon.
Tank fires, blows up the Warthog right in front of Grif
SIMMONS:(next to tank) Son of a bitch!
GRIF:(next to jeep) SON OF A BITCH!
CHURCH:(near jeep) Son of a bitch!
SHEILA:Firing main cannon. (fires)
SIMMONS:Shit!
SHEILA:Firing main cannon. (fires)
SIMMONS:Dammit!
SHEILA:Firing main cannon. (fires)
Cut to Church running back up to meet Tucker
TUCKER:Hey dude, the jeep blew up.
CHURCH:No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker.
Cut to Grif and Simmons hiding out behind a rock
SHEILA:Firing main cannon. (fires, hits the rock)
SIMMONS:Hey, I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the back of the rock.
SHEILA:Firing main cannon. (fires, hits the rock)
SIMMONS:Great plan you idiot!
Cut to view from the tank, scanning the rock
SHEILA:All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.
Turret starts panning up and to the left
Cut to Church and Tucker, Church standing in the open looking down at the tank
CHURCH:Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought tank out to scare off the reds.
TUCKER:What? No way!
CHURCH:Hey rookie, good job man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
SHEILA:New target acquired. (spinning turret around at Church)
Cut to view from the tank, slowly panning up the cliffside at Church
ROOKIE:That's not a target. That's Church.
CHURCH:Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man!
SHEILA:(locking on to Church) Target locked.
Cut to the Rookie in the driver's seat of the tank
ROOKIE:What? No. Target unlock. Unlock! Please help me nice lady.
SHEILA:Firing main cannon.
ROOKIE:Uh oh...
TUCKER:Uh oh...
CHURCH:What? Oh, son of a bi-
Tank fires, hits Church, throws him sprawling, high up in the air. Church lands back on the ledge again
TUCKER:Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church! You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
SHEILA:Auto-fire sequence deactivated.
CHURCH:(dying) Tucker! ...Tucker!
TUCKER:Church! It's going to be okay, man.
CHURCH:No. Ah... I'm na, I'm not gonna make it. Tucker, there's something I need to tell you.
TUCKER:What is it?
CHURCH:I just want you to know, I always hated you. I always hated you the most.
TUCKER:Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick.
CHURCH:Okay. Hierh! Blueah.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 9: After Church

Simmons and Grif run up the ramp in to the red base, where Donut is waiting with the flag
DONUT:What happened?
GRIF:Big... Tank... Shooting... Whooooh!
SIMMONS:Damn, man, we only ran like three hundred feet. You are really out of shape.
GRIF:Fuck... You...
DONUT:Where's your car?
SIMMONS:General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.
GRIF:Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up.
DONUT:You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?
Explosion, the jeep flies up on the base from below, landing between Donut and the other two
GRIF:What the hell?
Another explosion
GRIF:Son of a bitch!
DONUT:Holy crap! What the hell is that thing?
GRIF:That's the tank!
Tank continues firing
DONUT:Hey uh, Grif uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?
GRIF:No, keep that away from me!
Cut to Tucker and the Rookie in the tank
TUCKER:Why do you keep firing at the jeep?
ROOKIE:Because it's locked on!
SHEILA:Target locked.
TUCKER:Well unlock it.
ROOKIE:Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!
TUCKER:Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then.
Back to the red base
DONUT:I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but I think we're screwed.
Explosion
SIMMONS:Yeah. I have to agree with the rookie on this one.
Radio sounds
SARGE:(on radio, from plane) Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sargeant-
GRIF:Oh my God, Sarge, is that you?
SARGE:Roger that, Private. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command.
SIMMONS:Sir, this is Simmons.
SARGE:Hello Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.
GRIF:Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed to infiltrate the blue base, and now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.
SARGE:(radio sounds) ... (more radio sounds) ... Am I talkin' to the right base?
GRIF:Sarge, we, are going, to die here.
SARGE:Well then hold tight boys. I think I gotta solution to your little 'tank' problem.
Cut to Tucker
TUCKER:Uh oh.
Plane flies over red base, cut back to Tucker
TUCKER:Hey Caboose, you might wanna get out of the tank. Like right now.
CABOOSE:I can't figure out how to get this thing open!
SHEILA:Night vision engaged.
TUCKER:Rookie, get out now.
Shells exploding progressively nearer to the tank
CABOOSE:Okay, open the duh, okay, I, Sheila, will you please open the door?
SHEILA:Driver canopy open. (Caboose gets out and runs off the tank) Thank you for using the M808V main battle ta-
Shell hits the tank, blowing it on its roof backwards
CABOOSE:Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap running, running, running. (reaches Tucker) Man, that was close.
TUCKER:Look at your tank though.
SHEILA:I'm scared Dave. Will I dream? Daisy... Daaaaiisyyyyyy...
CABOOSE:Sheeeeiilaaaaa! Noooooo!
TUCKER:What? No! Sheila! Sheila! Wait... who's Sheila?
CABOOSE:Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend...
TUCKER:Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 10: A Shadow of His Former Self

Tucker in front of Caboose, in front of the blue base
TUCKER:(on radio) Come in Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?
CABOOSE:Okay, that is the last of it, your armor is clean now.
TUCKER:Did you get all the black stuff off?
BLUE COMMAND:This is Blue Command, come in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.
TUCKER:Hello! Command! We need help.
BLUE COMMAND:Roger that, Blood Gulch, what is your request?
TUCKER:I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!
BLUE COMMAND:...Dude, how long have you guys been down there?
TUCKER:No, no no, naw, it- not like that. we need more men to help us.
BLUE COMMAND:Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?
TUCKER:Yeah, that got blown up too.
BLUE COMMAND:Wow. Sucks to be you.
TUCKER:Yeah, we know.
BLUE COMMAND:Okay, here's what I can do. The nearest blue forces can be there in sixteen days, or I-
TUCKER:Sixteen days!? That's almost two weeks!
BLUE COMMAND:Or I can hire a nearby freelancer and get him there within a few hours.
CABOOSE:I like the 'in an hour' one.
TUCKER:Yeah, me too. Roger that Command, we prefer the quicker solution.
BLUE COMMAND:10-4 Blood Gulch, we will contact freelancer Tex, and have him there post-haste. Command out.
TUCKER:Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank.
CABOOSE:What's a freelancer?
TUCKER:Freelancers are independant, they're not red or blue. They're just guns for hire, who'll fight for whoever has the most money.
CABOOSE:Like a mercenary.
TUCKER:Right. Or like your mom, when the rent's due.
CABOOSE:...oh, that's funny.
TUCKER:Yeah, you didn't think that was too obvious?
CABOOSE:No no, no no, that was, that was good.
Some soldier in white armor starts fading in in the background
GHOSTLY WHITE ARMOR:(spooky voice) Tucker... Tuuuckerrr...
TUCKER:Who the hell are you?
GHOSTLY WHITE ARMOR:(spooky voice) I am the ghost of Chuuuurch... and I've come back with a waaarniiing...
CABOOSE:You're not Church... Church is blue. You're white.
CHURCH:Rookie, shut up, man. I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?
TUCKER:Yeah, that's definitely him.
CHURCH:Now I gotta start all over again... (ahem) (spooky voice) Tucker... Tuuuckerrr... I've come back with a waaarniiing...
TUCKER:Is it really necessary to do the voice?
CABOOSE:Yeah, it's kinda annoying.
CHURCH:Fine. Okay, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let -
CABOOSE:What's the warning?
CHURCH:Shut up for one second, and I'll tell you.
CABOOSE:Oh, sorry.
CHURCH:Seriously, man, I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. You think this is easy? It's not. It's not like I just, you know just pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration.
CABOOSE:Sorry.
CHURCH:I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man. ... (exhales) Okay. Here's the deal.
CABOOSE:Is this the warning?
CHURCH:Alright, that's it, I swear to God, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you.
TUCKER:Yeah, you're even starting to bug me.
CHURCH:Okay, Tucker. You remember that I told you I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transfered me here to Blood Gulch, right?
TUCKER:No.
CABOOSE:Sidewinder, isn't that the ice planet?
CHURCH:Yes.
CABOOSE:Cool, what was that like?
CHURCH:Um... it was cold.
CABOOSE:That's it? Just cold?
CHURCH:What do you want from me, a poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really, fuckin', cold.
TUCKER:Would you just let him talk?
Cut to the blue base on Sidewinder
CHURCH:Alright, well, one day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember, I was out on patrol with my partner Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid, everybody liked him.
TUCKER:Do you think I was a good kid Church?
CHURCH:Tucker, don't get jealous man, just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, guys were hanging around, waitin' for some action, bitching about the cold...
Camera zooms past three blue guys around a fire
BLUE GUY 1:Man, it's fucking cold.
BLUE GUY 2:I hope we get some action.
CHURCH:Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home.
Camera stops on Church in his light blue armor, and Jimmy
JIMMY:Yep, soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.
CHURCH:And that's when Tex showed up.
Camera angle changes to a distant shot, and Tex in transparent armor crosses the screen in the foreground
CHURCH:Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of a sudden he just started screaming bloody murder.
MICKEY:(turning around firing at the ground) Bloody murder! Bloody murder!
CHURCH:The whole thing was over before it even started.
Tex hits another blue soldier in the back of the head with the butt-end of the gun, then runs across to get the third one the same way
Church and Jimmy firing at something, Tex runs up behind them
CHURCH:Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it.
Cut to Tucker
TUCKER:Wait a second... how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.
CHURCH:That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.
Cut to Tex, in black armor, beating Jimmy to death with his own skull
JIMMY:This doesn't seem physically possible! (dies) Eeeeggh, blehhhhh.
Cut back to Church in Blood Gulch
CHURCH:Bottom line is: these freelancers, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst.
CABOOSE:If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?
Cut to Church on Sidewinder, surrounded by dead blues
CHURCH:To tell you I don't know why I'm not dead. Could've killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run in to each other once before.
Cut back to Tucker
TUCKER:Where?
CHURCH:You uh, you remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married. Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning: don't let Tex get involved here.
TUCKER:Okay.
CHURCH:I mean it Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it (fades out)
Camera angle changes to a long shot of Tucker and Caboose, slowly panning left
TUCKER:So, Tex and Church were after the same girl.
CABOOSE:I told you his girlfriend was a slut.
* Tex's leg and arm come in to the camera angle, within earshot, and then the rest of the armor. Bass guitar music plays the episode out *


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 11: Knock Knock.  Who's There?  Pain.

Sarge and Grif watching Lopez fix the jeep, which is turned on its side to expose its juicy underbelly
GRIF:And then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock, but uh, well that's when the tank showed up and, shit just started blowin' up. I don't know.
SARGE:(exhales) Grif, do you have any Godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?
GRIF:Ah, I don't know, what like uh, ten, ten twenty, twenty-five bucks, maybe? Uh, yeu, you're gonna kill me now, aren't you.
SARGE:Tell you what, Grif, I'm a fair man. I'll give you a ten second head start here before I let Lopez do anything he wants to ya.
Lopez stops working on the jeep and stands up to face Grif
GRIF:Guys, I just want you to know. I'm really, really sorry here, and
Lopez puts down his tool for a big gun
SARGE:Five Mississippi. Six Mississippi.
GRIF:(backing away) Okay uh, I guess I better get going then.
Lopez and Sarge look at each other, then turn and start firing at Grif
GRIF:Hey guys, that's not funny. Somebody could get hurt here.
Cut to Tex on the blue base, with Tucker, firing at something
TUCKER:That's basically it sir, they have five guys over there and a big jeep.
TEX:(reloading) And your flag.
TUCKER:Right, that too.
Tex throws a grenade at something
TUCKER:Uh, hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here.
Camera pans, showing Tex has been firing at Caboose
CABOOSE:I'm scared.
Tex starts playing with various weapons, Caboose runs up to Tex and Tucker
TUCKER:So, you've got the Special Forces black armor, I see. Were you in the Special Forces at some point?
TEX:(playing with a gun)
TUCKER:Yeah, I used to have black armor too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th-
Tex runs off
TUCKER:Oh, okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later.
CABOOSE:(whispering) I don't think he likes you.
TUCKER:Thanks.
Tucker and Caboose run up to the edge of the base
TUCKER:Where are you going?
TEX:Red base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back.
CABOOSE:Uh... Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans... porter...
Cut to Grif on the red base
GRIF:So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed, probably because somebody didn't believe in it.
SIMMONS:Bullshit. He told me he thought you were a retarded monkey, and he's gonna suspend your weapon privileges.
DONUT:Hey since I captured the flag, d'you think they'll give me my own color armor now?
SIMMONS:What do you mean 'captured'? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot.
DONUT:Still, you think there's a shot?
SIMMONS:Maybe they'll give you Grif's armor, since he destroyed the Warthog.
GRIF:Hyeah, heh-wait... you don't... you don't think they'd do that, do you?
Cut to Sarge watching Lopez fix the Warthog
SARGE:Try connectin' that hose to that metal thingie over there. I think that's what's makin' that rattle.
Lopez stands up and looks at Sarge
SARGE:Ah think I'll let you do it.
Lopez returns to work. Invisible Tex runs behind Sarge
SARGE:What the... What was that?
Cut to Grif
GRIF:Simmons, what's going on? What's over there?
SIMMONS:(looking over the edge of the base) I thought I saw something for a second.
Camera pans down to reveal invisible Tex, then cuts back to Grif
GRIF:Hey rookie, tuck the flag somewhere safe until we can figure out what's goin' on.
DONUT:Good idea. I was sick of carrying this thing anyway. (dumps the flag in the middle of the base)
Cut to Tex, then cut to Grif and Simmons looking off the edge of the base
SIMMONS:Did you hear that?
GRIF:Yeah.
DONUT:(whispering) Hey! What's going on?
Cut to Tex, who throws a grenade up on to the red base, then cut to Grif and Simmons from behind. Grif turns around
GRIF:What the fuck?
Cut to Donut, who has the grenade stuck to his helmet
DONUT:What?
SIMMONS:(turns around) What is that thing?
DONUT:What thing?
GRIF:There's something on your head...
DONUT:What, is it a spider? Get it off!
SIMMONS:No, it's not a spider, it's, like a... blue thing.
DONUT:What, like a blue spider? Get it off!
GRIF:It's not a spider, calm down. It's some kinda, fuzzy pulsating thing.
DONUT:That doesn't sound much better than a spider.
SIMMONS:Does it hurt?
DONUT:No...
SIMMONS:Maybe we should try to take it off.
GRIF:Good idea. Go for it.
SIMMONS:Me? By "we" I meant "you." Asshole.
DONUT:Well somebody needs to get it off. Look, it might be dangerous.
Grenade explodes, attached to Donut's head
GRIF AND  SIMMONS:Son of a bitch!
sounds of people being hit with the butt ends of weapons
GRIF:Son... where'd he go?
more sounds of people being hit with the butt ends of weapons
GRIF:Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 12: Down, But Not Out.

Caboose looking through the sniper rifle at the red base, Tucker with him
GRIF:(in distance) Son... where'd he go? Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!
CABOOSE:Man... he is really kicking their asses.
TUCKER:How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?
CABOOSE:(lowers the rifle) I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.
TUCKER:Sure makes things a lot easier on us.
CABOOSE:Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.
TUCKER:It definitely seems like your killing Church is starting to work out for us.
CABOOSE:Ya know ya think so? You know, I was gonna say something but uh, well you know, uh... nuh...
TUCKER:Did Tex get in the base?
CABOOSE:(raises the rifle, sees Tex enter the base) Yeah.
Cut to the flag stand in the blue base. Flag reappears
FREAKY GAME VOICE:Blue team, flag returned.
TUCKER:What the... who said that?
CHURCH:(clears throat) Sorry, that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way.
CABOOSE:Hey... it's Church.
CHURCH:Yeah, it's me. Hey Caboose.
CABOOSE:Hey Church, what're you up to?
CHURCH:Caboose, ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?
TUCKER:Wh, what? Oh, th, that flag? We've always had that.
CHURCH:Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey wait a second... Where's Tex?
TUCKER:I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, Elbow Grease.
CHURCH:Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?
CABOOSE:That Sidewinder is cold!?
CHURCH:Nuhhhh, what was the other one thing I told you?
TUCKER:Not to let him get involved?
CHURCH:Right. And what did you do?
TUCKER:We let him get involved.
CHURCH:And not just a little involved, how involved?
CABOOSE:Very, very involved.
Cut to Tex in the red base
SARGE:(emerging from the left) Freeze.
Lopez emerges from the right, pinning Tex
SARGE:Drop your weapon.
TEX:(drops the gun) Hey buddy.
SARGE:What.
TEX:You really better hope the first one knocks me out.
Sarge hits Tex with the butt end of his shotgun, conveniently knocking Tex out
Cut to Grif on the red base
GRIF:Ow, what the... My freakin' head. Jesus.
SIMMONS:(stands up from tending to Donut) He's hurt, Grif. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast.
GRIF:Yeah, yeah hold on one second. What happened here? W- First Donut's head exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up and started-
SIMMONS:Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint, something knocked me out.
GRIF:Okay fine, keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
SIMMONS:Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut outta here.
GRIF:Yeah sure, oh, and uh, I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking. (runs down the ramp)
SIMMONS:Whatever, noone likes you anyway.
Cut to Caboose, looking through the sniper rifle at Grif entering the red base
CABOOSE:Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead. ...(inhales sharply) Or captured and dead!
CHURCH:Oh, well that's just perfect!
TUCKER:What? What is your problem? Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy anyway, for stealing your girlfriend?
CHURCH:I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married.
CABOOSE:She?
Cut to inside the red base, with everyone but Donut present
SIMMONS:Sarge, we need to get Donut air-lifted outta here.
SARGE:Could you put that in a memo, and entitle it "Shit I already know!" Get on the horn with Command! Well, look who's up. Rise 'n' shine, buttercup.
Tex is standing, sparks flying from the right shoulder, jerking it back
TEX:(now sounding like a girl) Oh great... you broke my voice filter. You cock biting fucktards!
GRIF:Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!
TEX:...What's the matter, you never seen a girl before? How long have you guys been out here?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 13: Human Peer Bonding

The blue base
TUCKER:Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?
CHURCH:In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.
CABOOSE:I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls, never, like me.
TUCKER:Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.
CABOOSE:I like me...
TUCKER:I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?
CHURCH:I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy. And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark.
CABOOSE:Way, oh, wait oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?
CHURCH:Uh... because she's from Texas.
CABOOSE:...
CHURCH:Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.
TUCKER:Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!
CHURCH:Will you shut up with that? She got recruited in to some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where, they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.
CABOOSE:A.I... What's the A stand for?
CHURCH:Artificial.
CABOOSE:...What's the I-
CHURCH:Intelligence.
CABOOSE:Ooohhhhhhhhh what was the A again?
CHURCH:Let's move on.
TUCKER:So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?
CHURCH:Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.
TUCKER:Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper.
CHURCH:So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?
CABOOSE:I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.
CHURCH:Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.
Cut to Grif and Simmons holding Tex at gunpoint
GRIF:So, you're a girl, huh?
TEX:...
SIMMONS:Just ignore him, that's what I do.
GRIF:Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya...
TEX:Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.
GRIF:Yeah, right. What're you gonna do, punch me?
Tex leans in at Grif quickly, then leans back. Grif flinches and steps back
GRIF:Aaah, not the face!
Back to the blue base
CHURCH:Well don't worry, because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex.
TUCKER:A plan? Oh, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy, or ...mission statement?
CHURCH:I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex.
CABOOSE:Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like "decoy."
CHURCH:The way I see it, the reds have absolutely no idea how many freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two of you, is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base.
TUCKER:Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armor?
Church looks at the teleporter, then Tucker looks at the teleporter
TUCKER:...Oh fuckberries...


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 14: Roomier Than it Looks

Tucker emerges from the teleporter, his armor covered in black stuff
CHURCH:Are you okay, Tucker?
TUCKER:Yeah, I'm fine. (turns to the base) Come on Caboose!
CABOOSE:(back in the base) Does it hurt?!
TUCKER:No, not at all!
CABOOSE:Okay! Here I come!
CHURCH:Does it hurt for real?
TUCKER:Oho, yeah. Big time.
CABOOSE:(emerging from the teleporter) Owwchie. (turns to Tucker) You lied to me.
Cut to the red base
SARGE:Ah, dammit. Lopez. C'm'ere. Do you see something out there?
Lopez looks through the sniper rifle, turns to sarge, lowers his head. Camera pans down to Grif and Simmons inside the base, with Tex
SIMMONS:There's no L in it, it's pronounced both.
GRIF:That's what I'm saying. Bolth.
SIMMONS:Both.
GRIF:You sound like such an ass the way you say it.
SARGE:Grif! Quit your yammering and get your kicker up here. Need some help. Got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base.
GRIF:As in... more than one? Uh, maybe we should both go, sir.
SIMMONS:Both.
GRIF:Seriously man, like an ass.
SARGE:Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the thinktank. Why don't you both come up. Leave the prisoner alone. We could just put her on the honor system, have her guard herself.
GRIF:Good point sir.
SARGE:YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up here, we got just enough time for me to spraypaint the bullseye on your back... Ah, by bullseye I of course mean camouflage. Now move it, cupcake.
GRIF:Yeah... I'll be right up.
Cut to Church looking through a sniper rifle... we'll never know how he holds it, being a ghost and all
CHURCH:Hey Tucker, come in man, are you there? This is Church, it's working. The orange one is coming out of the base. I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base.
Cut to Caboose and Tucker in armor covered in black stuff, hiding behind a rock, listening over the radio
TUCKER:Roger that.
CABOOSE:Oh, oh oh oh, Tucker, Tucker Tucker. Is that, is that Church?
CHURCH:Okay, now just keep moving around outside of the base, and draw their attention.
CABOOSE:(over top of Church, drowning him out) Tell him, that I... I said... for me to say hi?
TUCKER:Whoa wait wait, hey. What? I missed that, Caboose was talking to me. Shut up man, I'm on the radio.
Cut back to Church
CHURCH:I said, just keep movin-
TUCKER:I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church. ...No, I'll tell him you said 'hi' later. No you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?
CHURCH:Oh my God. I can't believe I actually died for this war.
Cut to Grif looking through the sniper rifle
GRIF:I don't see any... (sees Caboose running across the Gulch) Uh uh, yep, there's one. (Caboose stops next to a rock and stares at it) Why is he just standing there?
Cut to Tucker crouching behind another rock
TUCKER:Caboose, get behind the rock. They can still see you.
CABOOSE:They can't see me. I can't see them!
TUCKER:That's because you're facing the rock.
CABOOSE:(looks at the base) Oh. Right. (ducks behind the rock)
TUCKER:Real smooth, dipshit.
Back to the red base
SARGE:They're definitely Special Ops. I ain't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidewi- (Church enters Sarge's body) geekagerger!
GRIF:Sir, are you okay?
CHURCH AS SARGE:Uh, who you talking to, Red, me?
GRIF:No. I'm talking to Lopez. Because, you know, that's real rewarding.
Lopez takes a swing at Grif
GRIF:Hey, what'd I tell you about that?
CHURCH:Oh, uh I, I'm fine, that's... I'm just so mad about, these uh, God damn blues out here. 'tslike I'm so God damn mad, I could spit! (horks one up and spits on his visor)
GRIF:...Um, sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?
CHURCH:Uh, yeah. I guess I did.
GRIF:Permission to speak freely, sir?
CHURCH:Go ahead.
GRIF:That's really fucking gross.
Cut to Caboose crouching down
CABOOSE:Hey Tucker?
TUCKER:What?
CABOOSE:I'm having a really good time... with... you.
TUCKER:That's great, Caboose.
CABOOSE:Yeah, it's like we're real soldiers.
TUCKER:Would you please go hide behind another rock?
Cut to Church as Sarge running down to where Tex and Simmons are
CHURCH:Hey man. What's up yo?
SIMMONS:Uh... hey... what's going on out there sir?
CHURCH:What's uh, why, nothin'. Why would you ask if something's wrong?
SIMMONS:I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war.
CHURCH:Yeah well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there, ...other red guy. So I'm keeping my eye on you.
SIMMONS:(turning around to face Tex) Sarge, I'm starting to think that-
Church hits Simmons on the back of the head, knocking him down
SIMMONS:Ow, geez, the back of my head!
TEX:What the hell are you doing!?
CHURCH:Tex! It's me, Church! I've come to rescue you.
TEX:You're kind of short to be Church.
CHURCH:What? Oh yeah, right. The armor.
Church leaves Sarge
SARGE:Harurgh! What in Sam Hell? Where the- Who spit on my visor?
CHURCH AS GHOST:Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this red guy, so that I could sneak in to the base and rescue you, while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon, dressed in black armor, that they got from going through the teleporter.
TEX:...Okay.
CHURCH:What... that's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?
TEX:No, it pretty much all makes sense.
CHURCH:Not even the whole "Church is a ghost" thing? That didn't do anything for ya?
TEX:I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious...
CHURCH:Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy and we'll get outta here.
SARGE:(as Church re-enters him) Harurghk!
Cut to Caboose looking through the sniper rifle, with Tucker near him
TUCKER:What're you doing?
CABOOSE:One of the reds has Tex. I'm going to shoot him, and kill him, and free Tex. Then Church will forgive me for killing him, and we will be friends.
TUCKER:Oh, come on, you don't actually believe any of that, do you?
CABOOSE:(training on Sarge's (Church's) head) Ohhh, we're gonna be best friends.
Cut to Church as Sarge, and Tex, outside the red base
CHURCH:Alright, I'll make one more distraction, then you run up to the teleporter, and escape. Ready? One... Two... Three!
Caboose shoots Sarge (Church) in the head, and Sarge's body falls down dead-like
CHURCH AS GHOST:What the? Where did my body go? Oh, you've gotta be KIDDING me!
CABOOSE:Tucker did it!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 15: How the Other Half Lives

Colours are dulled. Sarge is running up a hill, toward the camera
SARGE:(echoing) Hello? Hello? I said hello? Halo. Is anybody out here?
CHURCH:Holy cow, would you stop yelling? I'm here.
SARGE:What is this place?
CHURCH:Well, that's... kinda hard to explain. Uhm... You were shot in the head, buddy. So, here you are.
SARGE:Am I dead?
CHURCH:Are you dead, well, yeah, that's how I ended up here.
SARGE:Are you some kinda Angel?
CHURCH:Aheh heh heh ham I an Angel. Uh, (clears throat) yeah, actually, I am, I'm an Angel. Um, do you wanna go to Heaven? 'Cause it's, like, ten bucks to get in.
SARGE:Well I uh, I didn't really bring any, I mean, my wallet's back in the car.
CHURCH:Hey you don't have it there, huh? Well uh, that's too bad. Pretty crappy reason to be damned to Hell for an eternity.
SARGE:I don't remember dyin'
CHURCH:Yeah, that's my fault too. I was... sort of possessing your body at the time that you were shot. Sorry about that.
SARGE:Hold on a second, that ain't fair.
CHURCH:Not fair? Yeah, join the fricking club. I got shot by my own tank.
SHEILA:Target locked.
CHURCH:Oh ha ha, very funny Sheila. Shut up. You know I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet. Go there and get, go, get, go for the base. Shoo, shoo!
Sheila hangs turret in shame and drives off. Cut to Grif and Simmons over Sarge's body in the real world, the picture all wavy and stuff
GRIF:Sarge! Don't you give up on me soldier, do you hear me? I'm ordering you!
Back to Sarge in the Spirit World
SARGE:Who is that? Who's there?
CHURCH:Looks like your guys are trying to save you.
GRIF:(hitting Sarge in the chest with the butt end of his gun) You gotta breathe, man! You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!
SARGE:That is not the way you were trained to do that, Private!
CHURCH:He can't hear you.
SIMMONS:Grif, this isn't working. We have to try something else.
CHURCH:If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving.
SIMMONS:...Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth.
CHURCH:I'm leaving.
SARGE:I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me.
CHURCH:Why wouldn't they? I mean, my team didn't, but, why wouldn't yours?
SARGE:I thought they didn't like me.
CHURCH:Aw, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know ya, and here I am about to guide you to Heaven for only five bucks.
SARGE:Hold on, if you're an Angel, how come you ain't got no wings?
CHURCH:Because nobody rang a bell, ah heh heh heh. Seriously, do you have the money or don't you?
SARGE:Oh I feel the worst about Grif. I always made fun of him. I never even told him, he was my son.
CHURCH:No way, the orange guy is your son?
SARGE:Naw, I just wanted to screw with him one last time. But now I'll never get that chance.
GRIF:He's breathing! We saved Sarge!
SARGE:I'm what?
CHURCH:He's what?
SARGE:Well I'll be a monkey's... they saved me.
CHURCH:What? No, come back! We need to even the sides!
SARGE:Thanks for your help, wingless Angel fella! Will I remember any of this?
CHURCH:Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!
Sarge wakes up with Grif and Simmons back in the real world
SARGE:(clears throat) There. What... what happened here?
SIMMONS:Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir.
SARGE:I always believed in you, Simmons.
SIMMONS:Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank sir. He did all the work.
SARGE:Grif?
SIMMONS:Yes sir.
SARGE:Grif, why in Hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet wound in the head!? That doesn't make a lick of sense.
GRIF:(sighs) You're welcome, sir.
SARGE:I mean it's all so damn inconsistent. What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe, rub my neck with aloe vera? Hey there Grif! I think I feel an aneurism comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic massages? Use your fingers, not your knuckles. That there, that's good. Lower back. Yeah, I can feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go too low. ... oh yeah, shee-atsu.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 16: A Slightly Crueler Cruller

Donut at the red base, in pink armor
DONUT:Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!
Grif and Simmons look at each other
GRIF:Uh... hey Donut?
DONUT:What?
SIMMONS:Um, about your armor...
DONUT:What about it?
SIMMONS:How do I put this... Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, uh, you wanna help me out here?
GRIF:It's pink. Your armor is fricking pink!
SIMMONS:Yeah, that's it. Pink.
DONUT:Pink, my armor's not pink.
GRIF:Pink.
SIMMONS:Yeah, definitely pink.
DONUT:You guys are colorblind. Why would they give me pink armor?
GRIF:Hey, donask, dontell.
SIMMONS:(over Grif's laughter) Heh, that's not funny.
GRIF:(laughs a little more) It's a little funny.
DONUT:Look at it, it's not pink. It's like uh... a lightish red.
GRIF:Guess what: they already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? Pink.
DONUT:I hate you guys.
SARGE:(running up the ramp with Lopez in tow) Well hello, dirtbags. ...and a fine hello to you, madam.
DONUT:It's light red.
SARGE:Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie. Do you have a package for me?
DONUT:Yessir.
SARGE:Excellent.
DONUT:(holding up a mechanical unit) They said this speech unit should work with Lopez.
GRIF:Speech unit?
DONUT:(handing the unit over to Sarge) Here you go.
SARGE:Affirmative. Command was fresh out of speech modules when I first started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. ...No offense, Simmons.
SIMMONS:Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant sir.
GRIF:Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?
SIMMONS:Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?
GRIF:I just thought he was a really quiet guy.
SARGE:And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention.
GRIF:Well I, I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd... Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me.
SIMMONS:Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card.
SARGE:How come?
SIMMONS:Because static could damage the card.
SARGE:Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets. And I suppose pop rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up! (a visible electric surge as he inserts the card in Lopez) Yow!
SIMMONS:Sir. I won't say I told you so, sir.
SARGE:Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favorite Private.
DONUT:It's not pink, it's lightish red!
Cut to Caboose and Tucker outside the blue base. Tucker's armor is clean
CABOOSE:(exhales) Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?
TUCKER:Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor.
CABOOSE:Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know uh, you didn't do anything.
TUCKER:I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing.
CABOOSE:Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad.
Back to the red base
DONUT:So, what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?
GRIF:Right. That was a grenade.
DONUT:And the last thing I remember, is a loud bang, and then Simmons fainting...
GRIF:Ha! Told you so!
SIMMONS:I did not faint.
SARGE:Done and done. Lopez. Activate speech unit!
LOPEZ:Buenos días. Y la gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres. Me llamo es Lopez.
DONUT:(over the last five numbers) Am I the only one not understanding any of this?
LOPEZ:Me llamo es Lopez.
GRIF:Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that. I can speak Spanish!
SARGE:Lopez. Speak, English.
LOPEZ:Mi procesador Inglés tiene malfunctioned. Sé habla solamente español.
SIMMONS:Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir.
SARGE:Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model.
DONUT:Seriously dude. For the last time. Not pink.
SARGE:Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand.
LOPEZ:Negativo.
SARGE:Well this is just dandy. Lopez. How, do, we, fix, your, speech, u, -nit?
GRIF:Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.
SARGE:Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?
LOPEZ:(raising his gun) Sí señor. Gracias.
GRIF:No, stop! Uh, alto, alto!
SIMMONS:Alto means tall, you dumbass.
GRIF:Then why do they put it on stop signs?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 17: Points of Origin

Blue base
TEX:As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.
Caboose and Tucker simultaneously turn to face Church, like a tennis match or something
CHURCH:I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?
Caboose and Tucker simultaneously turn to Tex
TEX:Because I didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.
Caboose and Tucker simul... you get the idea
CHURCH:You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor.
TEX:Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.
CHURCH:(before Caboose and Tucker can turn to him) No you can't, I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!
CABOOSE:Stop it! Stop fighting. Can't you see that you're tearing us apart? WHAT ABOUT US?
TEX:What about you?
CABOOSE:We helped you too. And what do we get? Nothing!
TEX:Well yeah, but...
CHURCH:Yeah, but nothin'. He's got a point.
TEX:I did help them get the flag back.
TUCKER:Yeah, but you were paid to do that. We rescued you as a favor. We could have just let you rot in the red army prison, it wouldn't have made any difference to us.
TEX:Fine, I'll stay here as long as it takes to help you guys win this thing. As soon as I have, I'm outta here. What do you need me to do?
TUCKER:I have no idea. If you knew how to fix a tank, I would have you do that.
TEX:...okay.
CABOOSE:Wait, you know how to fix Sheila? ...I love you.
Cut to the red base
LOPEZ:Entonces la décias "tu nos pesos más, yo peso más." Entonces pusieron los de nuestros cuerpos sobre la escala y fue determinado quién tenía el peso más grande. Después de eso me llamarían Lopez la Pesado.
GRIF:Man. First he doesn't talk at all, and now we can't get him to shut up. What's he saying?
SIMMONS:What're you asking me for?
GRIF:Well you know, because you're of uh, a Latino persuasion.
SIMMONS:Simmons isn't a Spanish name, you dumbass. I'm Dutch Irish.
GRIF:But I thought-
SIMMONS:What.
GRIF:Eh, never mind.
DONUT:...I'm from Iowa.
GRIF AND  SIMMONS:Nobody cares!
Cut to Tucker and Caboose sneaking up on ...Sheila
CHURCH:Okay, take it easy guys, when I was over at the red base, I saw that they've already got their jeep fixed. So whatever you do, don't let 'em see us before we get Sheila back online.
CABOOSE:Okay, okay. Even if we get Sheila fixed, how are we going to turn her over, I mean it's not as if we could just lift!
In the background, Tex flips Sheila back over
CABOOSE:Oh. She is a very strong lady.
CHURCH:I'm the one that's the least visible, so I'm gonna head up here to higher ground, I'll keep an eye on the red base. If I see anything, I'll let you know.
CABOOSE:Great, I'll come with you!
CHURCH:That kinda defeats the purpose, Caboose.
CABOOSE:Okay. What if I'm really... (quieter) really... (whispering) quiet?
CHURCH:Do you even understand what the term 'visibility' means?
CABOOSE:Ah hah hah, uhh.... good one Church.
CHURCH:Seriously. You don't know what it means, do you.
CABOOSE:Uh no.
CHURCH:Caboose, just stay here man, and try not to swallow your tongue or anything like that.
TUCKER:Just watch the red base, and tell us if you see any movement.
Tucker runs up to Tex, welding on the tank
TUCKER:So, I suppose if you're helping us, you're not as mean as I thought.
TEX:I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get hired to do mean things.
TUCKER:Yeah, but you like it.
TEX:Well I think it's important to enjoy what you do.
TUCKER:So let's say I payed you to kill Caboose. You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?
TEX:Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?
TUCKER:Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more.
Church is up on the ledge where he got blown up
CHURCH:Hey Tucker!
TUCKER:What!?
CHURCH:What the hell is my body still doing up here?
TUCKER:That's part of being dead, Church. Your body doesn't really move around much any more. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet.
CHURCH:Alright, well let me rephrase that then. Why in the hell haven't you buried my body yet?
TUCKER:Buried? With what? All we have are pistols and rifles. What do you want me to do, shoot you a grave?
CHURCH:Well then how about shipping me back home. You know, let the loved ones pay a little respect.
TUCKER:Well Church, here's your girlfriend. Tex, as one of Church's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects?
Tex turns around and starts working on the tank again
TUCKER:That was a stirring eulogy. Rest in peace, good buddy!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 18: SPF 0

Church, Caboose and Tucker are standing over Church's body
CHURCH:I am not happy about this.
CABOOSE:I have an idea. ... ...I have an idea!
TUCKER:Yeah, we heard you the first time, Caboose, we were just ignoring you.
CABOOSE:Since you possessed that red guy, and took control of him, why don't you just possess your own body?
CHURCH:Oh I see, so that way I would be living inside of my own dead body.
CABOOSE:Yes.
CHURCH:Unable to move, just, laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity.
CABOOSE:Yes.
CHURCH:Okay Caboose, I'll be sure to get right on that.
CABOOSE:I think you are a mean ghost.
TUCKER:Dude, you really stink.
CHURCH:What?
TUCKER:Your body, it stinks.
CHURCH:Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body.
TUCKER:Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it.
CHURCH:It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest.
TUCKER:Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?
CABOOSE:Hey, Church, look, birds! Why are they flying around in circles?
CHURCH:Nuh, God.
Cut to Grif and Simmons on the red base
GRIF:Okay, I'll go again. I spy something, that begins with...
SIMMONS:Dirt.
GRIF:Damn! How did you-
SIMMONS:Well, because you did rock last time. That's all that's out here, is rock and dirt.
GRIF:Yeah, this canyon sucks.
Back to the blues overlooking Tex working on the tank. Caboose is holding the sniper rifle
CHURCH:How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?
TUCKER:Not much longer, she said it's going pretty well. The gun's almost working, and then she'll get it moving again.
CHURCH:Oh, that's just fantastic.
TUCKER:Why would that upset you?
CHURCH:Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's gonna use it against the reds, and they're all gonna die.
TUCKER:The reds dying is a good thing.
CHURCH:No Tucker, it's not a good thing. As soon as we beat the reds, Tex is outta here. And I still haven't figured out a way to get that A.I. out of her head.
CABOOSE:A.I.
CHURCH:Shut up, Caboose. And if I don't get it out before she leaves...
TUCKER:If she leaves you won't ever find her again.
CHURCH:Right.
TUCKER:So what're you gonna do?
CHURCH:I guess I'm gonna do the only thing that I can do. I have to warn the reds before she fixes the tank.
TUCKER:You're switching sides?
CHURCH:Sorry guys. I don't have much choice.
CABOOSE:Church, uh, wha, what happens when the reds out here, to stop Tex, and then they come also with guns and they find us?
CHURCH:I'll try to help you as best I can. Good luck guys.
Church fades away
CABOOSE:Does this mean I should try to kill Church now?
TUCKER:I tell you what. Kill me. I promise not to come back.
CABOOSE:Hey! Look at this! (focusing on Donut)
TUCKER:No.
CABOOSE:They have, a girl. They have a girl!
TUCKER:A what?
CABOOSE:A girl, a girl! Look, pink armor!
TUCKER:Oh man, how come they get a girl?
TEX:(from below them) Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin' right here?
TUCKER:Yeah Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl girl.
TEX:And what the hell does that mean?
CABOOSE AND  TUCKER:Nothing! (backing up from the edge of their ledge)
TUCKER:Wait a second. If Tex heard that, do you think she heard Church's secret plan to warn the reds about her?
CABOOSE:I don't know... but I think I know how to find out.
Caboose steps back up to the edge of their ledge, looking down at Tex
CABOOSE:Hey... Tex! Uh... Did you hear Church's secret plan to tell the reds that you were fixing the tank?
Tex turns back to the tank, then Caboose backs up to join Tucker
CABOOSE:I don't think she knows. ...Unless she can read minds... She can't read minds, can she? ...Can you hear what I'm thinking?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 19: Last One Out, Hit The Lights

Camera pans up to reveal Grif and Simmons standing on the red base
SIMMONS:Hey.
GRIF:Yeah?
SIMMONS:You ever wonder why we're here?
GRIF:No. I never, ever wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch.
LOPEZ:Keegakergerk!
SIMMONS:What? What's wrong with Lopez?
GRIF:I don't care.
SIMMONS:Hey, Lopez, uh... you okay man?
CHURCH AS LOPEZ:Aye, muchachos, necesité darle...... un aviso...
CAPTION: Guys. I need to give... you a... warning...
CHURCH:¿Qué? ¿Por qué estoy el hablar en español? ¡Yo no puedo hablar español!
CAPTION: What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!
SIMMONS:Um... Sure...
CHURCH:¡No, no, escucha mé! ¡La bruja teva a matar!
CAPTION: No, listen to me! The mean woman is going to kill you!
CHURCH:¡Ella está travajando en la tanque!
CAPTION: She is fixing the tank!
Cut to Tucker overlooking Tex, workin on the tank
TUCKER:Aw, crap. Caboose, she's almost done fixing Sheila. I better radio Church and tell him what's going on.
CABOOSE:Oh, oh, oh, Tucker please, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker, please-
TUCKER:Yes, you can be the one who radios Church.
CABOOSE:Thanks man. (turns on radio) Calling Church. Come in Church. This is your close, personal friend, Private O'Malley.
TUCKER:O'Malley? You said your name was Caboose.
CABOOSE:I never said that, you guys did!
TUCKER:Why didn't you correct us?
CABOOSE:Because I didn't want to be difficult. (turns on radio... again) Come in Private Church. Do you copy. Soldier unit Tex almost has the armor vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness. (clears throat) How is your progression?
CHURCH:(over radio) ¡Caboose! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchando mí!
CAPTION: Caboose! No one here is listening to me!
CHURCH:¡No mas puedo hablar español!
CAPTION: I can only speak Spanish for some reason!
CABOOSE:...He says he wants to talk to you.
SHEILA:Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.
TUCKER:Oh shit. We got trouble.
Back to the red base
CHURCH:Un tanque... grrrande.
GRIF:Hey. I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language.
SHEILA:(distant in the background) Target locked.
SIMMONS:What country? We're on an alien planet.
GRIF:What're you, a Communist?
Sheila fires, hitting the side of the red base
GRIF:Son of a bitch!
SIMMONS:Son of a bitch!
CHURCH:¡MADRE DE DIOS!
CAPTION: SON OF A BITCH!
Back to Tucker, and Caboose looking through the rifle. Tank firing sounds in the background
TUCKER:Okay, I'm getting really sick of asking people what's going on through that sniper rifle.
CABOOSE:Church is getting mad at us.
TUCKER:Ohhhhh. Well that's a nice change of pace.
Cut to Sarge getting in the Warthog, and driving it
SARGE:Simmons. I'm coming around in the Warthog. Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by.
SIMMONS:Roger that.
GRIF:I'll uh... I'll stay here.
SIMMONS:Yeah. Stay here, and guard this cement ramp. It's vital to our success.
Sarge skids near the base, Simmons hops on, and they take off
SIMMONS:Alright, I'm on board.
SARGE:Alright, here's the plan-
The tank blows up the jeep... again
SARGE:JUNEBUG!
Cut to Grif, watching Sarge and Simmons come up the ramp
GRIF:Wow, back so soon? You guys win the war already?
SIMMONS:Yeah, uh, did you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?
SARGE:If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.
GRIF:(kneeling down next to Simmons) Uh, hey Simmons? By the way. The ramp is secure.
A brief shot of Sheila
SHEILA:Target locked. (fires)
DONUT:(coming up from inside the base) Hey, what're you guys doin' up here!?
GRIF:That chick in the black armor's back!
DONUT:What chick, the one that stuck the grenade to my head?
SIMMONS:That's the one.
DONUT:The same chick whose fault it is that I'm stuck in this light red armor?
GRIF:Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but really dude. It's a whole lot faster just to say pink.
DONUT:Ohhuw. Oh I been waiting for this. (runs up to the edge of the base and yells) Hey Bitch! Remember me!? I saved something for ya!
Donut throws a grenade. Various camera angles follow it on its long journey through the sky, and everyone in the Gulch watching it go, finally settling on Tucker and Caboose
TUCKER:Man, that girl's got a really good arm.
The grenade lands right in Tex's lap, inside the tank
TEX:Aw crap!
Back to Donut at the edge of the red base
DONUT:Hell yeah! Three points, you dirty whore! (dirty whore echoes at least twice in the Gulch before the tank finally explodes)
CHURCH:¡Dios mío, no! (runs out of the base toward Tex) ¡Tejas, Tejas!
GRIF:Uh... where's Lopez going?
SARGE:To fight the enemy, head on, in hand to hand combat. Mano e mano. What a brave little compadre. Lopez, I never understood a word you said. But I do know one thing. You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios, amigo... Adios.
SIMMONS:Shouldn't we help him?
SARGE:Naw... That would just ruin the moment.
Cut to Church looking down at Tex
TEX:Church, is that you? It, it's gone, Church. The A.I., it's gone. Thank you. Heeeee, bleah...
Cut to Tucker and Caboose on the ledge
TUCKER:Crap. Church is gonna be pissed, and now he's got a body to kick our ass. Come on Caboose, let's get back to base.
CABOOSE:I told you, my name isn't Caboose... (in a deep voice) My name... is... O'Malley...


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
PSA 1: W.M.D.

Grif and Simmons standing in front of the red base
SIMMONS:Hi. I'm Private Dick Simmons, of the popular web-series, Red Vs. Blue.
GRIF:And I'm Private Dexter Grif from the same show.
SIMMONS:But you know what? We're not here to talk to you today as famous actors.
GRIF:That's right Dick, we're here to talk to you as friends.
SIMMONS:In our show, Red Vs. Blue, we poke fun at things like the military lifestyle, and weapons of mass destruction.
GRIF:But weapons of mass destruction are no laughing matter. Each year, several planets-
Bullet trail over their heads and in to the background
SIMMONS:Hey!
GRIF:Hey!
SIMMONS:Son of a bitch!
GRIF:You.. Cut it out dick! We're trying to do something!
CHURCH:Hey red, you suck blue rules!
Grif heads across in front of Simmons, off camera
GRIF:I see you, oh yeah, I see you up there buddy!
SIMMONS:I'm sure a lot of you have encountered weapons of mass destruction in your daily lives. In fact, you may have some friends who think it's 'cool' to stockpile VX Nerve Gas. But it's not. They may say "everybody's doing it," but if they told you to jump off a-
Another bullet trail over his head and in to the background
SIMMONS:Son of a bitch!
CHURCH:Almost got you that time, chump!
Grif running on camera and in to the base
GRIF:Oh, oh that's it. I'm getting my rifle!
SIMMONS:And remember kids, violence is never the answer.
More bullet trails over Simmons as he crouches down
SIMMONS:You ol' COCK BITE!
CHURCH:Hey, I'll bet that one hurt!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Sorry, you don't get to see this one

* This Public Service Announcement is for Sponsors of Red Vs. Blue only, and so has not
been transcribed. More specifically, it's been transcribed, but I'm not going to throw it up on this site without
their permission. To find out how to become a sponsor of Red Vs. Blue, sign up at  redvsblue.com and follow the link on the left that says "Upgrade your
membership."


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
PSA 3: Tattoo Point/Counterpoint

Church and Grif are standing in front of the Warthog, which is in front of the red base
CHURCH:Hi, how ya doin'. My name is Private L.L. Church, and I'm one of the actors on the popular web series "Red Vs. Blue."
GRIF:And I'm Private Dexter Grif, from the same show.
CHURCH:But you know what? We are not here today to talk to you as world famous actors, who also happen to be, you know, very good looking.
GRIF:That's right! We're here today, to tell you how to run your life.
CHURCH:You know, a lot of you out there are probably considering getting a tattoo. Or, as the young people like to call it, a "tat."
GRIF:Or, adding a tattoo to your already impressive collection.
CHURCH:So today we present to you, a very special "Point/Counterpoint" edition of Red Vs. Blue.
GRIF:Should you get, a tattoo.
Cut to just Church, and at the bottom of the screen is "Pvt. L.L. Church - Counterpoint"
CHURCH:I think it's quite clear, that you should not get a tattoo. And I can sum up my points in this very elegant, but simple, bulleted list.
On screen appears "Church's Bulleted List"
CHURCH:Number one: tattoos, are permanent.
On screen appears "Tattoos are permanent"
CHURCH:Number two: you are a God damn idiot.
On screen appears "You are a god damn idiot."
CHURCH:And I'd like to prove this mathematically if I may. Take your current age. Now subtract ten years from it. Were you smart back then? Of course you weren't. You were a God damn idiot.
On screen appears "Red sucks. Blue rules."
CHURCH:Fact of the matter is, you're just as big an idiot today, it's just gonna take you ten more years to realize. Now think if you'd drawn a picture on your body ten years ago. Would you be happy with it today? Chances are, you wouldn't be.
Cut to just Grif, and at the bottom of the screen is "Pvt. Dexter Grif - Counter-Counterpoint"
GRIF:Unless it was cool, which brings me to my main point. Tattoos, are cool, as long as you avoid the following rookie mistakes...
On screen appears "Designs To Avoid"
GRIF:...you'll be just fine. The barb wire ring.
On screen appears a picture of the barb wire ring
GRIF:Nothing says 1998 quite like a barb wire ring around your bicep. You'll look like a defensive lineman, and if you get the tattoo, you're probably about as smart as one. The band logo.
On screen appears the logos of Scorpions, Milli Vanilli, and Metallica
GRIF:Any band logo. Think about it. The only pop star to remain cool for more than ten years was Madonna, and you're not fooling anybody by getting a tattoo of her.
CHURCH:Right.
GRIF:Lastly, and most importantly, are the tribal designs, and the Asian character.
On screen appears some tribal design, and some Asian character... you expected a bird, maybe?
GRIF:Noone gets it! Let's be honest, you don't either. Someone had to explain it to you, and you have no idea if they were even telling you the truth. So, avoid these simple pitfalls, and a tattoo can be a wonderful, and rewarding experience. ...except for the pain.
CHURCH:It's at this time that I would like to point out that our friend Private Grif here has a tattoo on his neck - his neck, in plain sight where anyone can see it, from the movie Blade starring Wesley Snipes, right? It's Blade, not Blade II?
GRIF:Actually it's ...from the comic book.
CHURCH:Yeah, that's great. I'm sure your boyfriend loves it.
GRIF:In closing, be sure to choose wisely when getting a tattoo. Don't repeat my mistakes.
CHURCH:Right, listen. If I can't stop you from getting a tattoo, at least let me offer a good suggestion for a design. How about this: why not get a tattoo of your favorite character, from your favourite online cartoon?
On screen appears a picture of StrongBad from www.homestarrunner.com
CHURCH:I meant your other favorite online cartoon.
On screen the picture of StrongBad is replaced by Tyco and Gabe from www.penny-arcade.com
CHURCH:Okay, you know what? Screw you. ...I mean seriously, what do I care. Get a tattoo of an M16 in the middle of your forehead. That would give Sarge a boner.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
PSA 4: The PDC Video "Hey, Time Out"

Reds and blues are shooting at each other
SIMMONS:Hey, guys!
GRIF:What?
SIMMONS:Uh, this may be a bad time to bring this up...
GRIF:Bring what up?
DONUT:Yeah, what're you gonna do, confess your love for us?
GRIF:Huh ha ha ha, CRAP!
Shooting momentarily stops
CHURCH:Yeah, almost got you that time, chump!
GRIF:Suck it, blue!
CABOOSE:No... Uh... you suck it blue?
CHURCH:Hey dude, you really need to work on your comebacks.
The two teams are revealed to be about fifty feet from each other, in the open. They start firing again
SIMMONS:Uhm, I need to leave.
GRIF:Huyeah, I need to go too. War's hell, I need to go home.
SIMMONS:No no no, seriously, I need to go to a conference, back on Earth.
DONUT:Say what?
GRIF:A conference... I don't think so, Nancy. Maybe you didn't notice, but we're in the middle of a war here. What kinda conference is gonna get you outta that?
SIMMONS:It's the Microsoft PDC.
GRIF:(stops shooting) Donut, cease fire. We gotta get Simmons outta here.
SIMMONS:I really have to go, they only hold these things once every few years.
DONUT:(stops firing) What're you talking about? You think the blues are gonna stop fighting just 'cause Microsoft says so?
Blues stop firing. Donut turns back to them, and Caboose and Church are behind a tree
CHURCH:What was that?
CABOOSE:I think they said something about Microsoft.
CHURCH:Hey reds, we're coming out.
DONUT:What the hell is going on here?
Church and Caboose run up to the reds
SIMMONS:Sorry guys, sorry, sorry. I uh, I really thought we'd be done fighting before I had to catch the transport outta here.
CHURCH:Ah nah, it's cool, we understand. We were almost outta ammo anyway.
DONUT:Son of a bitch, I knew it! This sucks. How can a software company, stop a war?
GRIF:It's called priorities, Donut.
DONUT:Can't anyone do anything about this?
Church and Grif look at each other, then back at Donut, and laugh at him. In perfect unison. In stereo
SARGE:Hey you maggots! I don't hear any killing out here! We don't pay you powderpuffs to stand around jawin', we pay you to shoot at each other!
GRIF:Uh, we had to call a time-out, sir.
SARGE:A time-out? What is this, freeze tag?
SIMMONS:Sir. It's my fault, sir. I have to leave for the Microsoft PDC. They recruited me for something called the Longhorn Squad. I'm going to be a Corporal of managed code in the Indigo Battalion.
SARGE:Longhorn...? Managed code...? INDIGO...? Well son of a... Why didn't you say so? You know, I used to fight for the Microsoft forces back in my youth.
SIMMONS:No kidding.
SARGE:No kidding. I was a Lieutenant back during the Browser Wars.
CHURCH:Okay, that is just ridiculous.
SARGE:In fact, I was mister Steve Balmer's personal speech writer. I wrote his keynote for the last developers' conference.
Screen fades to Balmer yelling "Developers" a lot, then fades back to Sarge
SARGE:Get up, get up! Developers! Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday. We got in to creative differences over the speech. I wrote it so that he said 'developers' thirty-seven times, but he only wanted to say 'developers' thirty-five times. I told him it just didn't make any sense without those last two developers! That was the hook!
CHURCH:I'm not buying any of this.
SARGE:Believe it, fritter. I was on the fast-track until that day, and everything fell apart for me after that. Balmer had me demoted, and shipped out here to this damn canyon.
GRIF:Where do you think you'd be if you never wrote that speech, Sarge?
SARGE:Word has it that I was next in line to become one of them little office assistant thingies. But I try not to spend my time thinking about 'what if'...
Cut to a miscellaneous computer screen, editing a memo in Word. The computer makes a noise, and Sarge's head pops up like that stupid annoying paper clip does
SARGE:Where do you want to go today, dirtbag?
Back to the Gulch
SARGE:Where's the conference this year?
SIMMONS:It's in L.A.
CHURCH:Sweet. Keep your helmet on though. You're gonna want the oxygen.
SARGE:Ah, Loes Angle-ees ain't that bad.
CHURCH:Ah, California just hasn't been the same since they banned all forms of carbohydrates.
SIMMONS:At least it'll be in October, so you know, I'll get to enjoy the cool weather, the changing of the leaves...
SARGE:Leaves...?
CHURCH:Weather...?
CABOOSE:October?
SARGE:(exhales) Simmons, you're like an illegitimate son to me.
GRIF:Oh boy, here we go.
SARGE:I want you to go to the PDC, and I want you to do what I couldn't do.
SIMMONS:You want me to get a Microsoft executive to say 'developers' thirty-five times?
SARGE:No, I want you to get him to say it thirty-seven times! And then I want you to collect a bunch of free giveaway crap, like pens and mousepads, and those little squish-ball things. I love those little ball things. I had one once. Can't remember where I got it. It hardly seems important at this stage. ...I sure do like foofy things.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
PSA 5: RvBIAA

Church, Grif and Donut standing in front of the Warthog, in front of one of the bases
CHURCH:Hi. I'm Private Leonard Church, from the popular webseries, Red Vs. Blue.
DONUT:And I'm Private Franklin Delano Donut, from the same show.
GRIF:Are we gonna introduce ourselves like this every time?
CHURCH:But we're not here today to talk to you as famous actors. That's right. We're here today to talk to you as creative geniuses who are being ripped off by the little man.
GRIF:Right, w- wait, what?
CHURCH:As all of you are no doubt aware, Red Vs. Blue is the single most popular thing to ever be on the internet.
GRIF:What about all the news sites?
DONUT:Yeah, and the filthy filthy porn.
CHURCH:That's irrelevant. The braintrust here at Red Vs. Blue have identified a disturbing trend. It turns out people have been pirating our very popular webseries, and downloading it on a daily basis.
GRIF:Yeah, that's because we make it available for free online.
A graph charting DVD sales appears next to Church, and it looks uninspiring
CHURCH:As you can see from this graph that I have very carefully prepared, our DVD sales have been lack-luster at best. And clearly, this is the result of the public's blatant disregard of our amazingly original intellectual property.
GRIF:Or because we haven't made a DVD yet.
DONUT:Dude, don't taunt him. He has a graph!
CHURCH:It's unfortunate, but to protect ourselves from the catastrophic consequences of this global publicity machine known as the internet, we are now forced to take action. Sarge?
SARGE:Hereto forthwith, starting next week, RedVsBlue.com, hereafter referred to as "us," will begin suing every person to have ever visited the Red Vs. Blue website, hereafter referred to as "you dirty scumbags! We expect an average judgment of forty-five million dollars per case. Vow this day in to the grounds of ergo post proctor hoctor, vis-a-vis telemundo.
CHURCH:Keep in mind, this is not an attempt to make money. But rather, a way for the creators of Red Vs. Blue to protect themselves, and the literally dozens of fans that we have, all over the world.
GRIF:Forty-five million dollars per person? You guys are idiots!
SARGE:Ipso, fatso. May it please the court, I have prepared a second graph to address Grif's argument.
A graph appears next to Sarge labeled "My Foot, Grif's Ass." It looks inspiring
GRIF:Why is Sarge our legal council?
CHURCH:Because he has his finger on the pulse of the American Legal System. He went to Stenographer's School.
SARGE:Objection! It was Nursing Assistant's School.
CHURCH:Ah, close enough. Listen, we don't have to prove anything. They're the ones that are stealing stuff.
GRIF:But it's online, for free.
CHURCH:Right! Which is why we're suing them!
GRIF:But we put it on there! We put the videos online, for free, to promote the DVD.
CHURCH:Exactly, which is why we're suing you as well.
DONUT:Say what?
CHURCH:Yeah, you too Donut! (turns to Church) Hey, you want some too pal?
SARGE:I'd like to see you in chambers...
CHURCH:Look, I know most of our audience members probably don't have forty-five million dollars. So we're willing to settle out of court. You can either send us everyone in your family's personal information, like social security numbers, drivers license numbers, birthdates, stuff like that. Or, you can just find your mom's purse, and send it directly to us. If you're not sure what it looks like, here's a picture of Donut's purse.
A picture of a purse appears next to Grif. Everyone looks at Donut
DONUT:What? I need a place to keep my lotions.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Original Trailer

NARRATOR:In the year 2552,
CAPTION: In the year 2552,
NARRATOR:in the last year of the Covenant invasion of the outer planets,
CAPTION: in the last year of the Covenant invasion of the outer planets,
NARRATOR:a hero arose, a cyborg known only by the name Master Chief.
CAPTION: a hero arose, a cyborg known only by the name Master Chief.
NARRATOR:He led the Covenant to the edge of space,
CAPTION: He led the Covenant to the edge of space,
NARRATOR:to a ringworld, called Halo.
CAPTION: to a ringworld called Halo.
NARRATOR:It was on Halo that Master Chief learned the grand plan of the Covenant armada.
CAPTION: It was on Halo that Master Chief learned the grand plan of the Covenant armada.
NARRATOR:To destroy humanity and its homeworld... Earth.
CAPTION: To destroy humanity and its homeworld... Earth.
NARRATOR:Using the defenses of Halo, he destroyed the ringworld, and the Covenant armada along with it.
CAPTION: He destroyed the ringworld, and the armada along with it.
NARRATOR:The invasion was over. Unknown to the people of earth, the Covenant were planning to return.
CAPTION: But it's hard to keep a good alien down.
NARRATOR:But in the time between the first and second Covenant invasion, there was a brief, but violent period of civil war among the humans.
CAPTION: In the meantime, some guys got all pissed off.
NARRATOR:Man fighting man... Red vs. Blue.
CAPTION: And totally started wailing on each other.
NARRATOR:This is the story of th-
CAPTION: What a bunch of dicks.
NARRATOR:What is that? What are you doing?
CAPTION: I'm paraphrasing. This intro is too long.
NARRATOR:Paraph- well don't paraphrase, don't- look, I will read what's in the script, and you type whatever I say. Okay?
NARRATOR:So just type whatever I say.
CAPTION: Just type whatever I say.
NARRATOR:No, don't type everything I say; just type wh- it's in the damn t- t- m-
CAPTION: No! Not eveyrthing... just guh, guh, der, duh, duh...
NARRATOR:...that's not funny.
CAPTION: You're such a cock bite.
NARRATOR:Alright, now that, okay that's gotta, that, take that off, because that is, fir- number one that's offensive, and secondly... I am not a cock bite. Seriously! I, I am not a cock bite, that is rude. ...just put up the logo.
overhead map of Blood Gulch appears, and a Red Vs. Blue logo fades in on top of it
NARRATOR:Assholes.
CAPTION: cock bite.
Soldiers in orange armor and maroon armor are standing on a base.
ORANGE:Huh. What'd you think about that?
MAROON:Yeah, I think somebody owes me the last two minutes of my life back.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
Episode 00: The Original Intro

music in the background is Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff
Soldier in maroon armor is standing there shooting stuff. Name fades in: Simmons
New scene, jeep going by in background, soldier in orange armor hops off the back. Name fades in: Grif
New scene, soldier in blue armor shooting from behind a rock. He stops to reload, and a soldier in red armor hits him on the back of the head from behind with the butt-end of his shotgun and starts shooting at stuff. Name fades in: Sarge
New camera angle, Sarge is shooting at stuff and suddenly takes a hit in the back of the shoulder, and falls down. Camera zooms past him to a soldier in light blue armor holding a sniper rifle. Name fades in: Church
New scene, soldier in teal armor is running down a ramp. An explosion on the ramp, he flies forward. name fades in: Tucker
New scene, Simmons running through some foliage. He stops and starts aiming at stuff, then someone in transparent armor hits him on the back of the head and knocks him down. Transparent armor starts shooting, and the armor reveals itself to be black. Name fades in: Tex
* Overhead view of Blood Gulch map, and a Red Vs. Blue logo fades in on top *


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
E3 2003 Video

Sarge is in the red base, looking at Donut, Simmons, and Grif
SARGE:Settle down, everybody. I have a special treat for you boys today. The powers that be have sent down a motion picture, complete with sound, to promote our upcoming campaign against the Covenant.
GRIF:Excuse me, uh, Sarge?
SARGE:What is it Grif?
GRIF:Just out of curiosity, what're they doing here?
Camera pans to reveal Church, Tucker, and The Rookie
CHURCH:Hey, calm down, red. We're only here to watch the movie, okay? We thought it would be a nice show of, you know, peace and brotherhood to, lay down our weapons for once, spend some time together, you know j-
GRIF:You couldn't figure out how to run the projector, could you.
CHURCH:...Yeah, why don't you uh, shove it up your ass there, red.
SIMMONS:Hey, watch it.
SARGE:Take it easy, fellas. Alright Donut, get the lights.
Donut lowers his arms, the lights go down
Sarge turns around to face the wall, the projector starts up the the XBox logo on the wall
The Bungie logo replaces it
TUCKER:Bungle...
CHURCH:That's an 'I' you idiot.
TUCKER:Oh. Right. Bingle.
CHURCH:BUNGIE!
SIMMONS:Sh. Shush.
GRIF:Shut up.
On screen, Master Chief walks down a hallway, collects a rifle from the wall
GRIF:*catcall whistle*
CHURCH:Well, look who it is! I'nt he pretty?
SARGE:What's the problem, girls?
GRIF:Look at him Sarge, he's too pretty to fight aliens.
SARGE:That's the newest version of the armor, dead man.
GRIF:What is that, bump mapping?
DONUT:Yeah, I got a couple bumps you can map right here.
TUCKER:You know, that guy is the reason we're out here fighting in the first place. If he hadn't destroyed the whole armada, we might still have some aliens to fight.
SIMMONS:That's a good point.
On screen: NEUTRALIZE ADAPTIVE PARASITIC LIFEFORM > COMPLETE -
AUDIO IN BACKGROUND:I'm asking you to retarget the orbital.
On screen: DESTROY HOSTILE GROUND FORCES > COMPLETE -
TUCKER:Totally destroy my military career and get me marooned in the middle of some lousy canyon?
CHURCH AND  TUCKER:COMPLETE!
GRIF:I am so sick of him anyway. Every time I tell someone I'm in the Spartan Forces, all they wanna know is "Do you know Master Chief?" "What's he like?" "Is he tall?" Makes me sick.
CHURCH:Yeah, I, I, personally I don't even think he really exists.
SARGE:Oh, he exists alright. I met him during training.
GRIF:Really? Well, what's he like?
CHURCH:Yeah, is he tall?
On screen, Master Chief jumps out of a spaceship in to the void of space
TUCKER:Dude. Check it out! Did he just jump out of a spaceship?
DONUT:Who-ho-hoa, that's badass!
SIMMONS:Oh, I could do that.
GRIF:Oh come on, man. You twisted your ankle jumping off the back of the Warthog.
SIMMONS:It was still moving, dumbass.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 1
New York City Film Festival Video 2003: I Love Blood Gulch

Tucker and Church on the blue base
TUCKER:Why do you need so much underwear? We're only gonna be gone for three days.
Behind Church, Simmons and Grif hop out of the Warthog
CHURCH:Yeah, three days, so I have three pairs. How many did you pack?
TUCKER:That depends. Does wearing count as packing?
Grif and Simmons come up the ramp to the blue base
GRIF:Hey, what the hell is going on over here?
CHURCH:Hey what're you doing over here reds? This is the blue base. Go back to your own base.
GRIF:Yeah we were just wondering if you guys were gonna come fight us today. Uh, considering that, you know, we're in the middle of a war and all. 'Cause we've been waiting out by the tree for like two hours now.
CHURCH:Oh crap. Tucker, you were supposed to send these guys a message, and tell them we weren't gonna be here today, that we had to go to that festival thing.
TUCKER:Yeah, I sent it.
GRIF:You mean the doodle of the octopus giving us the finger eight times? That message?
TUCKER:And that wasn't clear?
CHURCH:Oh, well, sorry guys, but uh, we can't fight today. We gotta go to New York City for a few days.
SIMMONS:New York? Where's that?
CHURCH:You know, I don't really know. I thought it was the center of the Universe.
TUCKER:Yeah, only to the people who live there.
CHURCH:Yeah we're going to this video festival, and we're gonna talk about the ways that we-
TUCKER:Video festival? You told me it was a film festival.
CHURCH:No I didn't.
TUCKER:What's a video festival?
CHURCH:Well, it's a lot like a film festival. But for people with no money.
TUCKER:I'm guessing there's a pretty slim chance that Julia Roberts is gonna be there, huh?
CHURCH:Heh heh heh, dude, I don't even think Eric Roberts is gonna be there.
TUCKER:Yeah, I'm not going.
CHURCH:Oh, don't be a baby!
GRIF:Let me get this straight... We're in the middle of an intergalactic struggle for control of the Universe, and you guys are taking a few days off to go on vacation?
CHURCH:It's not exactly a vacation. They want us to come there and talk about using pre-rendered game engines for animation purposes. It's a more efficient way of creating large projects by using established routine to animate individual characters. It's called uh, machinima, and it's going to be a more and more popular way of doing animation projects.
GRIF:Wow. That was the most boring thing anyone has ever said to me.
TUCKER:Yeah, is there going to be a quiz on this?
CHURCH:Kiss my ass.
GRIF:How are you planning on getting to New York?
TUCKER:We were just gonna follow the stench of urine in the streets. We figure, we'll eventually get there.
CHURCH:We're just gonna take the teleporter. Tucker, you ready to go?
TUCKER:Yeah, let's go.
Church and Tucker move in front of the teleporter
CHURCH:Okay. We'll be back in a few days, guys, we can start the war back up then.
GRIF:Okay, have fun...
CHURCH:And while we're gone, don't drive our tank.
GRIF:Fine.
CHURCH:And no parties.
Tucker enters the teleporter behind Church
GRIF:Just go.
Church enters the teleporter, leaving Grif and Simmons alone at the blue base, where nothing could possibly go wrong
SIMMONS:...So, you wanna go, raid their fridge?
GRIF:Yeah, and help me find the keys to the tank.
Cut to Church and Tucker appearing on the streets of New York
TUCKER:I thought we were supposed to get transported right to New York?
CHURCH:This is New York.
TUCKER:What the f-... where the fuck are all the dead hookers?
CHURCH:Yeah look at that homeless guy over there. He's not even pissing on anything.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 20: Everything Old is New Again

Staticky radio noises. Camera fades in on a dim view of the moon
VOICE:Come in Blue Command, come in.
Camera fades out to black, then in on a panning view to the right over Blood Gulch
VOICE:This is Medical Officer DuFresne. I have reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read?
Camera fades out to black, then in on a daylight view of the moon, slowly panning down
BLUE COMMAND:(the audio equivalent of pixilated) Yes dude, hello, can you read me, hello, check one, check two.
DUFRESNE:Say again, Blue Command. I do not read.
BLUE COMMAND:(still pixilated audio effect) Check two. Is this thing on? Hello, hello.
Camera continues to pan down, revealing DuFresne, in purple armor
DUFRESNE:Blue Command. Please boost your transmission to match communication protocol, Echo, Bravo, -
BLUE COMMAND:(bouncy happy music in background from here on out) Yo I hear you, calm down dude, what's going on? Hello, yo, can you hear me, hello.
DUFRESNE:Uh, roger that Command.
BLUE COMMAND:Sorry 'bout that, I was in the elevator, this thing doesn't work so well in there. What's going on dude?
DUFRESNE:Roger tha... uh... is this Blue Command?
BLUE COMMAND:Oh yeah, man, sure, totally! What's goin' on?
DUFRESNE:You're sure, the Blue Command base.
BLUE COMMAND:Hey dude. Take it easy. You called me, I didn't call you.
DUFRESNE:Naw, I know, it's just...
BLUE COMMAND:It's just what, dude?
DUFRESNE:Never mind. I'm just letting you know that I've reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. I'm gonna make contact with the Blue Squad members.
BLUE COMMAND:Blood Gulch, huh? Alright, let me look here, let me see what it says... Blood Gulch, bleu bleaou bee ehl, bluoea here we go, Blood Gulch, okay. Says here, you wanna make contact with Private Tucker, ask him about their wounded, dude.
DUFRESNE:Roger that, any other orders?
BLUE COMMAND:Anything else, yeah okay, yeah, it says here whatever you do don't- oh. Okay never mind dude, I'm not supposed to read you that part, okay, just uh... you'll be okay, just uh be very careful. That's all.
DUFRESNE:Great.
BLUE COMMAND:Alright then. Well it's out goal here at Blue Base to provide excellent customer service, and I hope that I have done that today. Uh, if you have any further questions about this radio transmission, you can just um, you know call back, say "Dude, I've got some questions, what's goin' on." Over and out.
DUFRESNE:Okay... Private Tucker...
Cut to the blue guys on the blue base... funny how that works
TUCKER:Hey Church, we have a problem.
CHURCH IN LOPEZ BUT COBALT AGAIN:I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like.
TUCKER:I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me, and talking in a scary voice.
CABOOSE:No I didn't.
TUCKER:Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?
CABOOSE:You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context.
TUCKER:What? What context?
DuFresne is running up behind Church
CHURCH:Listen guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay? I thought we'd established by now...
DUFRESNE:Excuse me.
CHURCH:Hey pal? One second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Ah leuh, I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention, is not gonna do ya any good.
DUFRESNE:Excuse me.
CHURCH:Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you?
CABOOSE (SCARY VOICE - THIS IS O'MALLEY):Don't ever be alone.
TUCKER:He's doing that thing again...
DUFRESNE:My name's DuFresne... uh, are you Private Tucker?
CHURCH:No, I am not Private Tucker. My name is Church. This is Private Tucker.
TUCKER:Yo!
CHURCH:And our friend over there in regulation blue? That's Caboose. Or, O'Malley, or whatever the hell he's callin' himself.
CABOOSE:Why did you introduce me second?
TUCKER:Because he hates you.
Camera reveals two tombstones behind DuFresne
DUFRESNE:I received your call for a Medic.
CABOOSE:Medic... That was like three months ago.
TUCKER:Yeah what'd you do, crawl all the way here?
DUFRESNE:I came as quickly as I could. Where's the patient?
CHURCH:Well, she's about fifty yards behind you, and six feet straight down.
DuFresne turns around and sees the tombstones
DUFRESNE:Oh. (Turns back around to face the blue guys) I'm sorry about your loss.
CHURCH:What- oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks man, it was tough but, well, what're you gonna do...
CABOOSE:We didn't like her very much. (whispers) She was mean to other people.
DUFRESNE:Who's in the other grave?
CHURCH:That's uh, that's me. I'm in that grave.
DUFRESNE:...uh huh. ...course.
CABOOSE:See, uh, he, got killed by this uh, crazy runaway tank.
TUCKER:Or by the idiot driving it.
CABOOSE:Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body, uh, oh! And then we had to uh, oyathatsright, spray paint him, ah, to make him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. ...who ...is blue.
TUCKER:Right, and it took us six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off.
CHURCH:No esta completamente apagado, bendejo.
CAPTION:Not entirely turned off, moron.
TUCKER:(sighs) I'll go get the Spanish dictionary.
DUFRESNE:Wait, so, noone here is hurt?
CHURCH:No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever. See now whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before.
CABOOSE:You said they were shorting out.
CHURCH:I'm sorry, what was that Caboose? I can't hear you.
DUFRESNE:Well then let me just check you two out, and I'll be on my way.
TUCKER:Whoa... check us out? Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?
DUFRESNE:(holding up a medical scanner or something) No, I'm just gonna check your vitals.
CABOOSE:(to Tucker) I bet I have better vitals than you... What's a vital?
CHURCH:On your way? I don't think so, bud. Aren't you here to join our squad?
DUFRESNE:No, I'm just here to help out with Tex, and then assist in the canyon as needed.
CHURCH:First of all, great job on the Tex thing. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist, is to help us kill all the reds.
DUFRESNE:Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector.
TUCKER:A conshe- who?
DUFRESNE:I'm a pacifist.
CABOOSE:You're a thing that babies suck on...
TUCKER:No dude, that's a pedophile.
CHURCH:Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
TUCKER:Oh yeah, right. Man I was totally thinking about something else.
CHURCH:That's real classy, Tucker.
DUFRESNE:(running and finishing his scan) Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon. Can you tell me which way to the red base?
TUCKER:Why? You said you weren't gonna fight 'em.
DUFRESNE:I'm not. Resources are low, so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time.
CHURCH:Man, that is so freakin' lame.
DUFRESNE:I'm just gonna go to red base and see if they need any help.
CHURCH:Well, if you're gonna go up to red base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingie of yours. They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand.
DuFresne gets shot in the medical thingie
CHURCH:Yeah, just like that.
Another shot goes past them
TUCKER:Scatter!
Cut to Sarge and Donut, Donut firing the sniper rifle
SARGE:Nice shot, cupcake.
DONUT:Thanks Sarge!
SIMMONS:(firing his machine gun a few times) Oh that's right, suck it blue!
GRIF:(standing up in front of Simmons) Yeahah, sneak attack!
SIMMONS:Sit down, you dumbass, I can't see.
SARGE:Pack up yer knickers, fellas. Let's go get 'em.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 21: Motion to Adjourn

Firefight outside the blue base
CHURCH:Okay Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.
TUCKER:I didn't even know what half of that meant.
CHURCH:Just go over to Caboose's rock, and fire your gun a bunch.
TUCKER:That rock? Yeah, I don't think so.
CHURCH:We do not, have time, to discuss this.
TUCKER:Sure, no time for you to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin' the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich.
CHURCH:Tucker, we're gonna give you covering fire.
TUCKER:Covering fire? Unless that means you're gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.
CHURCH:No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?
zoom to Grif and Simmons firing their respective machine guns at the blues
GRIF:Simmmonns... I can't feel my hands.
SIMMONS:Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass.
zoom back to Church and the gang
CHURCH:Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose!
DUFRESNE:My name isn't Doc, it's DuFresne.
CHURCH:Yeah. I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc.
DUFRESNE:I'm not really comfortable with that; I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic.
CHURCH:What's the difference?
DUFRESNE:Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable. While they die.
TUCKER:Mental note: don't ever get shot.
CHURCH:It's settled then. Your name is now Doc.
DUFRESNE:Alright, but I don't think it'll stick.
background goes greyscale and DuFresne slides further to the foreground while DOC slides across behind him, with dramatic "this is your name, fucking deal with it" music playing
TUCKER:Oh, trust us, it'll stick.
CHURCH:Now get over to Caboose, and help him hold that position.
DOC:I don't have a gun, I am a pacifist.
CHURCH:Well then just get over there, and yell bang bang bang.
DOC:Eh, I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive.
TUCKER:Oh, come on.
DOC:Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt.
CHURCH:Huh. I see.
Church turns toward Caboose and very deliberately raises his gun, then fires one shot
CABOOSE:Ahow, my foot.
CHURCH:Well, looks like Caboose has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.
DOC:You know, you could have just asked nicely.
zoom back to the reds
SIMMONS:Oh crap, I'm out. Give me some ammunition, Grif.
GRIF:Me? I don't have any extra, I'm down to one bullet.
SIMMONS:Wha.. how can that be? You're the one who carries all the extra rounds in to battle.
GRIF:Wait, since when?
SIMMONS:Since the last staff meeting.
GRIF:We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just fall asleep inside my helmet.
SIMMONS:Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo.
GRIF:What's your job?
SIMMONS:Me? I'm the Social Chairman.
SARGE:Grif. Me and Treasurer Donut are empty. We need some clips.
SIMMONS:Hey Grif, you remember that one bullet you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it.
zoom back to DuFre- I mean Doc, and Caboose
DOC:I'm here Caboose, where're you hit?
CABOOSE:Ah, ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!
DOC:The left foot?
CABOOSE:Ah, left. Let's see, that makes an L with this thumb and...
DOC:I'm just gonna assume it's the bleeding one.
CABOOSE:Yeah, the red one. Aeh. I can't believe Church shot me.
CHURCH:Oh don't even start, Caboose!
DOC:Anything else?
CABOOSE:Uh, well wha?
DOC:You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?
CABOOSE:Uh... Oh, I got one. Uh, Whell, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I think about my parents having sex, and I get really really mad for some reason.
DOC:... ... ... Okay I'm just gonna start with the foot.
CABOOSE:Okay.
zoom to Tucker and Church
TUCKER:Hey dude, why aren't the reds firing?
CHURCH:I don't know, maybe they're outta ammo.
SARGE:Hey blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!
CHURCH:Surrender!?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 22: Red vs Bleu

The reds and blues not shooting at each other. On the reds
SARGE:We are giving you a chance to surrender!
GRIF:There is no way this bluff is gonna work.
SARGE:Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie. There's positively no way they know we're outta ammo.
Cut to the blues
CHURCH:Yeah, they're definitely outta ammo... What're your terms?!
TUCKER:Their what?
To the reds
GRIF:Our what?
SIMMONS:I can't believe this is actually working. See if we can get Lopez back, Sarge.
GRIF:Oh yeah. 'Cause then he can fix the Warthog.
DONUT:Oh oh Sarge - tell them we want the flag.
GRIF:Yeah, and some cake.
DONUT:Oh... Wait wait Sarge, just the cake.
SARGE:Alright blues! First off! We want your flag...!
SIMMONS:Wait wait wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armor showed up.
SARGE:...to stay right where it is! Keep the flag! But we do want our mechanized droid guy back!
CHURCH:Uh oh.
SARGE:You may know him as Señor El Roboto!
TUCKER:Well Church, what's it gonna be?
CHURCH:Chingado, no way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing.
SARGE:And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!
CHURCH:Uh, uh he's not here any more!
TUCKER:Yeah, he left! He was all like "Sayonara!" and then he just took off!
CHURCH:That's not Spanish you idiot, that's French. Let's try this. Hey reds! How about a medic?! Would you take a medic as a hostage?!
DOC:A hostage? But I'm supposed to go over there.
SIMMONS:Meh, that sounds pretty good to me.
GRIF:I don't know, I think we can hold out for more.
SIMMONS:We don't have any bullets, dumbass.
GRIF:Oh right. Take the medic. The medic's a good deal.
CHURCH:Hey Doc. How's the patient?
DOC:Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive.
TUCKER:He's talking about Caboose, right?
CHURCH:No I mean his toe, how's the toe I shot?
DOC:What that thing? That fell off like half an hour ago.
CABOOSE:(sad) Rest in peace, pinkie toe...
O'MALLEY:You shall be avenged!
DOC:Tell you what. Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help.
CHURCH:Okay! We're gonna send over our medic! Now what do we get!?
SIMMONS:You?! You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!
TUCKER:We've already got that! What else do you have!?
SARGE:What do you want!?
CHURCH:How about if you admit that the red team sucks!?
The reds mutter to themselves for a moment
SARGE:What if we admit that one of us sucks!?
GRIF:Nice. Wait, you mean Donut, right?
Screen blacks and shows "two hours later" in white letters, then returns to the blues
CHURCH:Okay then! We agree to the terms!? You first, and then we send over the medic!
SARGE:Get on with it, Grif.
GRIF:(grunting sigh) I would just like to let everyone know, that I suck...!
CHURCH:And!?
GRIF:And that I'm a girl...!
CHURCH:What else!?
GRIF:And I like ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the boys...!
SARGE:This may be the best surrender of all time.
SIMMONS:Okay, is that good enough!?
CHURCH:Yeah! Alright, go ahead Doc.
Doc runs over to the reds
GRIF:Man, I really hope you're worth this.
DOC:Can I ask you a question? Do they put something in the water here?
GRIF:Water? We ran outta water six months ago.
DOC:No water, then what do you drink?
GRIF:Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.
SARGE:I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a stawberry yoohoo. Or a sasparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. ...Oh occasionally I do enjoy a 'Sex on the Beach.' Or a pina colata. (singing) If you like pina colatas, hengh! Gettin' caught in the rain, hengh! And you're not in to yoga, engh! Grif just has half a brain, ungh.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 23: The Joy of Toggling

Camera pans down the red base to Doc and Grif talking
DOC:So he was shot in the head...
GRIF:Right.
DOC:...and you gave him CPR for a bullet wound in the head.
GRIF:Exactly.
DOC:Yeah, I think that's a perfectly acceptable treatment.
GRIF:That's what I said.
DOC:Oh yeah, people often overlook to alternative methods of care. Like that blue guy that was shot in the foot during the battle? All I did was rub his neck with some aloe vera, he was fine.
GRIF:Yeah, I don't know about all that. I'm just glad that Sarge is wrong.
SARGE:Grif! Yer supposed to be guarding the prisoner. Not playing lookie-loo with him all day long!
GRIF:Come on Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.
SIMMONS:Oh, well you two will be great friends then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!
GRIF:Hey thanks, kissass. If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you.
DONUT:Oh man, that is a burn. Dude, you just got burned. Burned, dude, burned.
SIMMONS:Oh shut up, your armor's pink.
DOC:Uh, hey, guys? I, I just want everybody to know that Grif and I aren't, uh, technically friends, uh, we're just talking. That's it. (to Grif) Sorry man, but it's pretty obvious that you're really unpopular, and if I'm gonna make any progress around here at all I can't really be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand.
GRIF:...
DOC:It's only because noone likes you.
GRIF:...
DOC:Stop staring at me.
Camera zooms through the gulch, revealing Sheila still in the middle of it, then to the blue base
TUCKER:Hey Church - if your body is the red team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?
CHURCH:Huh... Well, yeah it's worth a shot, I guess. (clears throat for some reason) Alright. Stand back. Huhrur... Keeungh... Hoom...
TUCKER:Anything?
CHURCH:Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be.
TUCKER:Maybe there's a button on you somewhere...
CHURCH:See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here... Hurhoor... Oh! Hey!
TUCKER:Found it?
CHURCH:Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.
TUCKER:What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing.
CHURCH:Celcius, Tucker.
TUCKER:Oh come on dude, celcius sucks. (kneels down and looks at Church) Hey, I found something.
CHURCH:Oh yeah? You found a button?
TUCKER:Naw dude, it's more like a ...switch.
CHURCH:Well, give it a flip.
TUCKER:I don't wanna flip it.
CHURCH:What's the problem?
TUCKER:It's in a weird place.
CHURCH:Oh you've gotta be kidding me.
TUCKER:You flip it.
CHURCH:These arms aren't that flexible, I can't even reach down there.
TUCKER:What about Caboose?
CHURCH:Man, he's so stupid, I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch.
TUCKER:Oh man...
CHURCH:Tuck, Tucker, come on. We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner.
TUCKER:(kneels down and tries to flip the switch, but fails) It won't move, it's stuck.
CHURCH:Did you try wiggling it?
TUCKER:No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle.
CHURCH:Oh, stop being a baby. Just wiggle it.
Tucker kneels back down
CHURCH:... So, you from around here baby?
TUCKER:Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk like that.
CHURCH:Alright alright alright alright, I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.
TUCKER:I wish Tex was here, she wouldn't have any problem flipping it.
CHURCH:You obviously did not know Tex that well.
Tucker kneels back down and flips the switch, and we start hearing a beeping noise
TUCKER:There! Anything?
CHURCH:Nope. Nothin'. That's kinda weird. Do you hear something beeping?
Cut to the reds
SARGE:Are there any ideas on what to do with the prisoner?
The same beeping starts fading in, approaching the same volume
SIMMONS:Well, we have to get him away from Grif, because ...yeeah, you know, it's kinda cruel and unusual to have to talk to him.
DONUT:How 'bout we um, let him trade armor with uh, one of us? That would show him.
The Warthog's lights flash in time with the beeping
WARTHOG:(as if getting up to speed) Warthog online. (now up to speed) Homing beacon activated.
DONUT:Sarge... D, did the car just talk?
SARGE:Uh oh...


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 24: Sweet Ride

The Warthog is staring down the reds, and Doc
SIMMONS:Okay, I get it. You build a remote control for the jeep in to Lopez.
SARGE:Yep. But there's no way anyone could have found out how to turn it on. I hid it in a place noone would ever look. Unless... Hey. Pretty in Pink. Were you messin' with my robot?
DONUT:What're you asking me for?
GRIF:So someone else controls the jeep right now? And the big gun attached to it?
SARGE:Oh, get a pair, you bunch o' Barbies. Even if they figured out how to turn it on, they'd never know the set of code words to control it. Only me and my diary know that.
To the blue base, with totally un-dramatic music. Church still hears beeping
CHURCH:There, you hear that?
TUCKER:Is it like a screaming, high pitched whistling noise, followed by a series of random clicks?
CHURCH:No it's just like this constant 'beep beep beep' noise.
TUCKER:Oh... then no, I don't hear anything.
CHURCH:Do you eh, wait - do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?
TUCKER:No, I was just tryin' to be helpful
CHURCH:Yeah, well, you're failing.
CABOOSE:All I hear is that voice, you know telling us to kill all our friends before they have a chance to kill us.
CHURCH AND  TUCKER:...
CABOOSE:Wait, you guys don't hear that?
CHURCH:Oh man, I can't take this any more. Tucker, you're gonna have to do something, man, this beeping is going to drive me crazy.
Camera zooms to the Warthog, with Church's words "going to drive me crazy. drive me crazy" echoing in the background
WARTHOG:(beep beep beep beep) Drive.
SARGE:Jumpin' Jehozafats, they've cracked the code. Those dern windtalkers.
The warthog drives straight at Doc and hits him, and he lands in the driver's seat as it continues driving away with him
DONUT:Hey, he's taking the jeep.
DOC:Help, the jeep is kidnapping me!
DONUT:Now he's taunting us. This is just embarassing.
SIMMONS:Hey Sarge, new rule. How 'bout we just don't take any more prisoners, since we seem to suck at it.
Cut to the blues, Caboose kneeling in front of Church. Beeping continues, Warthog is in the background behind Church
CABOOSE:I see a switch down here. (whispers) It's not very big.
TUCKER:Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it.
CHURCH:Wait, stop.
WARTHOG:(in background) Stop. (stops moving)
CHURCH:Caboose... do you know how to work a switch?
CABOOSE:Uhhhhhhhhh...
CHURCH:Alright. Here's a full tutorial then. The switch is pointed in one direction, just turn it around, so that it's pointed in the other direction.
WARTHOG:Turn around. (turns around, facing back toward the red base)
CABOOSE:Oops. It broke itself.
CHURCH:Ughhhhhhhh.
The Warthog finishes turning, now facing the reds
DOC:Oh man, what now...
GRIF:That does not look good. Nice kitty, nice kitty.
Back to the blues
TUCKER:Okay, I see two wires down here. One's green, the other one's red.
CABOOSE:What about the blue one?
CHURCH:That's your thumb, idiot. Come on guys, just grab whichever one goes to the switch, and yank it out.
TUCKER:Ey, I can't tell which one goes over there.
CHURCH:Then just yank 'em both.
CABOOSE:Church, if we pick the wrong one, (whispers) you could explode.
CHURCH:I don't care, look, just follow the red one.
The Warthog facing down the reds
WARTHOG:Acquire target: red.
GRIF:Uh, Sarge, you, you may wanna start running. (Donut and Simmons back away) Now. (Backs away)
SARGE:Ahhhhh fudge pumps.
The blue base... again... dammit
TUCKER:Okay, I see what's going on here. The red one goes close to the switch, and the green one goes... yeugh, someplace else.
CHURCH:Fine, just pull it. Take out the red one.
The Warthog rams Sarge to the wall of the red base
SARGE:Oh, I'm pinned!
WARTHOG:(beep beep beep beep) Eliminate red target. (Starts firing the gun, getting progressively closer to Sarge's head)
GRIF:You're gonna kill him!
SARGE:What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.
SIMMONS:Something about the dangers of technology, and the unwavering pride of mankind?
SARGE:No, something about hiring better help, that doesn't just stand around watching you die!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 25: Last Words

The Warthog has Sarge pinned, and is firing toward his head. Doc is still impotently sitting in the jeep
SIMMONS:Okay, we gotta do something here guys.
DONUT:You're right. I got dibs on Sarge's armor.
The blue base, Tucker kneeling in front of Church, who still hears the beeping
TUCKER:Okay Church, you ready, I'm gonna yank the wire.
Back to the Warthog and Sarge
SARGE:Grif, if you see Lopez, tell him I forgive him. Tell him, he was like a son to me.
GRIF:I thought Simmons was like a son to you?
SARGE:No offense, Simmons. Lopez and I just, understood each other better.
SIMMONS:Understood... he refused to speak English.
GRIF:Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got.
SIMMONS:And now he's trying to kill you with a remote control jeep.
SARGE:Ahhhh, what a little rascal.
The blues
TUCKER:Alrigh, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three! (pulls the wire, and the beeping stops)
CHURCH:Oh God yes, finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?
The reds. The Warthog stops firing
WARTHOG:(shutting down) Signal lost.
GRIF:Wow, that was a close one. Are you okay Sarge?
SARGE:Ah, horse puckey, I'm fine. Although I do have to admit, maybe a little bit disappointed.
SIMMONS:It's okay sir. I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality.
SARGE:It's not that. I just felt like I could have taken him.
GRIF:Taken who, the machine gun?
SARGE:Oh he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness. Cracks in the armor, if you will.
GRIF:What? You can't fight a machine gun.
DONUT:Yeah, Sarge. I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armor piercing bullets using only your face.
SARGE:And yet, he surrendered.
DOC:Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before. Sarge just lived through a very traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress.
GRIF:Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?
DOC:Oh I have my own system, that works pretty well for me. ...By the way, the driver side of the jeep is gonna need a thorough cleaning.
Back in blue... Can't blame me for trying
CHURCH:This is great, this is just great. Thanks a lot Caboose. Now what'm I supposed to do: my lower half is damaged.
CABOOSE:Why don't you try walking it off?
CHURCH:I can't use my legs, moron.
CABOOSE:Oh, I see. ...Have you tried running?
TUCKER:This doesn't seem like that big a deal, you hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides.
CHURCH:Hey, I already told you: that was for science.
CABOOSE:Why don't you just try, walking on your hands? Then you could your feet for high fiiiiives, and ...eatin' sandwicheeeees... you know, the important stuff.
The reds
SIMMONS:Hey Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverised in to dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the warthog.
DOC:Oh, right. Sorry. (drives the Warthog forward, against Sarge some more)
SARGE:Oh, hot buttered lugnuts!
DOC:Oh, geez, I'm really sorry, I, I just was in the wrong gear, let me just... (rams Sarge again)
SARGE:Yoh, geez, there goes mah last kidney. I was saving that one for a special occasion.
DOC:Third time's a charm?
SIMMONS:I don't think so, Poindexter. Outta the jeep now!
DOC:I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help.
SIMMONS:Really.
GRIF:Oh is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our Sargeant by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue.
DOC:... ...really?
GRIF AND  SIMMONS:Get out!
The blues. Tucker is kneeling in front of Church, working on his wires
CHURCH:Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you when I feel something.
TUCKER:What about that, do you feel that Church?
CHURCH:No, what're you doing, I don't feel anything.
CABOOSE:Oh, Church? You know, I was thinkin'. ...Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?
The reds are approaching the distance behind Church
CHURCH:Hey Caboose? Yeah. Shut up.
CABOOSE:(seeing the reds) Uh.... Church? I think that you should know that the reds are-
CHURCH:Dammit Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!
SIMMONS:Hey blues, we're here to- what the hell are you guys doing?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 26: Nobody Likes You

Grif, Simmons and Doc looking up at the blues in their base, Church facing away
SIMMONS:What the hell are you guys doing?
TUCKER:Oh crap, the reds are here.
CHURCH:What? Caboose, why didn't you say anything? Hey. One of you guys turn me around. I still can't move my legs.
GRIF:What were you doing down there?
TUCKER:Nothing. What're you talking about?
CABOOSE:(from the back) We were just playing a game!
CHURCH:Hey Caboose, we'll handle this.
GRIF:What in the hell is going on at this base?
DOC:I told you these guys're weird.
CHURCH:Whaddaya want, reds? Get outta here, or we'll start shootin' at ya!
GRIF:Oh yeah? You care to make that threat to my face?
CHURCH:(tries to turn around, fails miserably) Uhgh... no.
GRIF:Yeah I didn't think so. Punk.
SIMMONS:Whoa whoa whoa, calm down guys. We didn't come here to fight. We just came to give back the prisoner.
TUCKER:Give him back? You can't give him back, you took him, a deal's a deal.
GRIF:Yeah, well forget it. We don't want him.
CHURCH:Well, sorry, you can't have another prisoner. That was our last one.
GRIF:Hey dude, what is your problem?
SIMMONS:Didn't your mama ever tell you it's impolite not to look at someone when you're talking to them?
CABOOSE:(from back) He's shy!
CHURCH:Shut up. Look, we don't want him back, and we don't care what you do with him. Now if you don't mind, we'd appreciate if you'd leave us alone. We're in the middle of something, kinda private over here.
GRIF:That's sad. He is shy.
SIMMONS:Fine, but don't come asking for him back later.
Grif and Doc start heading back to the red base
TUCKER:We won't.
GRIF:Last chance.
CHURCH:Beat it reds!
GRIF:Alright, we're goin', we're goin'.
The three reassemble over a hill
GRIF:Man, I thought our team was obnoxious, but those guys are really rude.
Doc starts toward the red base
SIMMONS:Whoa, whey, hey, whoa, where do you think you're goin'?
DOC:(stopping) Back to base with you guys. They don't want me over there...
GRIF:Yeah, I don't think so.
DOC:What? You're not just gonna leave me out here in the middle of nowhere... By myself?
SIMMONS:Yeah. That's kinda the general idea.
DOC:Not you too, right Grif? Old buddy? Huh?
GRIF:Sorry, it's pretty clear that you're not very popular around here, and if I'm gonna make any progress at all, I can't be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand.
DOC:...
Back to the blue base
CHURCH:What's going on? Are they there? Did they leave? Hey somebody tell me what's happening!
TUCKER:I don't know, I can't really see too clearly. I bet I could see better if I had that sniper rifle...
CHURCH:Uh, Tucker? You might wanna look behind you.
Tucker turns around, sees Caboose with the sniper rifle
TUCKER:Mother fucker.
CABOOSE:Uh ooh Church, Church. Okay, I s, I see something... okay... uh the two red ones are walking away... uh... but the purple one is...
O'MALLEY:I think he's going to attack.
CHURCH:Purple. Oh wait, the purple guy's that worthless medic.
TUCKER:He's not gonna attack, he's a pussy fest.
CHURCH:Pacifist.
TUCKER:Ah, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter.
CHURCH:Wait a second wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kind of trick.
CABOOSE:I'll bet they've used some kind of, brain washing technique on him. They're, they're probably planning, to have him do, all their dirty plans... and also the schemes...
View is of Tucker through the sniper rifle
TUCKER:Caboose, that is ridiculous.
CABOOSE:Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, (scope zooms in on Tucker's jaw) it's the most ridiculously perfect idea, that you never thought of.
TUCKER:No, just the regular kinda ridiculous.
Back to normal view
CHURCH:Well just keep your eye on him. We'll know it's a trick if he tries to get in to our base.
DOC:(from afar) Hey guys, euh, do you think I could come and hang out at your base for a while?
CABOOSE:I knew it... we're all gonna die...
O'MALLEY:(aiming at the back of Tucker's head) Starting with you!
TUCKER:Sorry, but we're kinda busy here. So go away... or something.
DOC:Normally I wouldn't impose, it's just that I don't know the neighborhood too well, and-
CHURCH:Listen Doc, you're not fooling anybody with that innocent victim routine.
DOC:Hey uh I could help! I know more than just medicine! I'm trained in psychology too, maybe I could help you with your problem facing people!
CHURCH:Jeh, get outta here! And tell your buddies the reds, that their little 'plan' failed.
DOC:Well this is just great. I can't believe I failed outta medical school for this.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 27: Nine-Tenths of the Law

Camera pans down to Donut and Sarge at the base
DONUT:So, just you and me, hanging at the base today, huh Sarge? This is new. I notice you use a shotgun. That's cool. I just use this pistol. It works for me. ...(whistles)... So, you think the guys will be back soon? What do you think they're up to? You think they stopped at the store? I noticed we were getting pretty low on elbow grease. ...When you die, can I have your armor?
SIMMONS:(running up the ramp) Hey, we're back!
DONUT:Oh man, am I glad to see you guys. Sarge would not stop talkin'. Seriously
SARGE:Grif, Simmons, were you able to work out a suitable exchange?
SIMMONS:Uh, not exactly, sir. You see, when we showed up, the blues were doing something really weird, and then th-
GRIF:Really weird. And they were rude.
SIMMONS:Hey dumbass, I thought we agreed I was gonna tell the story.
GRIF:Excuse me, go ahead.
SIMMONS:Well you see, the blue guys were really weird, and not just normal weird, really weird-
GRIF:You're not telling it right.
SIMMONS:Okay fine, how do you remember it?
GRIF:Well, I remember we agreed that you're a kissass. I get fuzzy on the rest of the details.
SIMMONS:Anyway, they didn't want the prisoner back, sir.
SARGE:Why those cunning blue devils. Does their treachery know no bounds.
GRIF:It wasn't a total loss sir, I was able to steal his wallet.
SARGE:Grif, I may just make a respectable soldier out of you yet.
GRIF:Really sir?
SARGE:Hell no! Now leave the money on my nightstand, and get back to work!
Cut to the blues on the blue base
CHURCH:Alright Tucker, what the hell are we gonna do man, I gotta get my legs working here.
TUCKER:I don't know, but I can't just keep pulling wires down there. I think we should call in a professional. Maybe someone who can fix Sheila, too.
CHURCH:Okay great idea, but the only two people who can do that are Señor El Roboto, and Tex.
CABOOSE:Hmm, Tex can be kinda hard to work with.
TUCKER:Yeah. Dead people usually are.
CHURCH:Quite frankly Tucker, I find your attitude offensive.
CABOOSE:What about that Lopez person. Is he available?
CHURCH:No, I'm in his body. Remember?
CABOOSE:Well... why don't you just leave his body, and then Tucker and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend!
TUCKER:Girlfriend, what?
CHURCH:You retard?
CABOOSE:I mean uh, Tucker and I will make him fix you, and uh the beautiful tank lady means nothing to me. Uh then we can get you back in his body when he is done.
TUCKER:I'm confused, that actually seems like a good idea.
CHURCH:I know.
TUCKER:...But Caboose said it.
CHURCH:I know.
Tucker punches Caboose in the face
CHURCH:Ack, what the hell was that for?
TUCKER:I don't know, I thought maybe I was dreaming, so I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't.
CHURCH:Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else. You get somebody else to pinch you.
TUCKER:Dude, it doesn't matter what kinda dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me.
CHURCH:If you dented my forehead, Tucker, I am gonna be pissed.
TUCKER:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
CHURCH:Let's try this: I'll jump out of Lopez's body real quick, you two just watch him, make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?
TUCKER:Yeah, sure.
CABOOSE:Okay, Church!
CHURCH:Ughhh, alright. Here goes nothing'. Hegakergerk! (while leaving Lopez's body)
TUCKER:You know, I have to hand it to you Caboose, you finally came up with a good idea.
CABOOSE:Oh, thanks man, it was nothin'.
TUCKER:No no, you really contributed, and that's what it's all about.
Lopez starts running away while Caboose and Tucker aren't looking
CABOOSE:Ya know, I just enjoy the process.
CHURCH AS GHOST:Yeahah, back in the spirit world, alright. Man I forgot how good this feels. Kinda... loosey-goosey. Hey, what'd you guys do with my body?
TUCKER:Why do you care about your body, you can't even move yer- (turns around and sees Lopez jumping over a hill) Oh hey look, your legs work!
O'MALLEY:This one is mine! (fires the sniper rifle)
CHURCH:Hey Caboose, whoa cut it out man! You're gonna damage my body! Tucker, you guys go through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there. (fades away)
TUCKER:There's no way I'm going through the teleporter again. I've still got this tingle in the back of my... look, dude, I'm just not going back through the teleporter, okay?
CABOOSE:But Church said for us to-
TUCKER:Yeah, but Church didn't think of this! (throws a grenade through the teleporter) Come on, let's go!
Church encounters Lopez in the Gulch
CHURCH:Alright, hold it right there amigo.
Grenade comes through the teleporter, landing between Church's feet
LOPEZ:¿Mira que cosa mas fina?
CHURCH:Hey, I said hold it, not run away! You big... robot baby! What the hell? That rock looks just like a grenade... aw crap.
Grenade explodes. Cut to Sniper Rifle looking at them, then the reds at the base, Grif using the rifle
SARGE:What in sam hell is goin' on out there, Grif?
GRIF:Sir I think we're under attack! A very sloppy, poorly coordinated attack.
SARGE:How many do ya see?
GRIF:There's two running our way, and another one seems to be- retreating?
SARGE:Oh we'll give them all a reason to retreat. Saddle up, Simmons, let's go rope us some blue steer!
SIMMONS:Woohoo! Alright, yeah!
SARGE:Yeah!
Sarge and Simmons run down the ramp
SARGE:Woohoo!
SIMMONS:Just what I live for.
SARGE:Alright!
SIMMONS:Let's do it!
DONUT:So... just you 'n' me, hanging out at the base. That's coo.
GRIF:Shut up rookie.
DONUT:You think they'll be gone long? Me and Sarge had a great time together.
GRIF:Oh my God...
DONUT:We talked about all kinds of stuff...
GRIF:I'm not gonna sit here and listen to this all day long...
DONUT:He showed me a picture of his mother, we talked about home decorating...
GRIF:Are you ever going to shut up?...
DONUT:We made macrame ideas...
GRIF:Jesus Christ...
DONUT:We shared recipes for soufflés...
GRIF:How did I get stuck in this place...
DONUT:Oh man, it was such a blast! And then we talked about, our feelings...
GRIF:Ugh, God...
DONUT:And then, we also discussed...
GRIF:Jesus Christ...
DONUT:what it was like to be the loner in high school...
GRIF:You've gotta be kidding me...
DONUT:and, you know, all the kids made fun of us, but we had a really great time...
GRIF:Oh man...
DONUT:I mean Sarge is a really neat person, we talked about his dream the other night...
GRIF:I don't wanna listen to this...
DONUT:Where he dreamed, that uh... some shit happened...
GRIF:Why me?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 28: In Stereo Where Available

Sarge and Simmons take their respective positions in the Warthog
SIMMONS:Alright, hit it!
The Warthog drives off past Sheila and in to the Gulch, the familiar Warthog Driving Music playing
Cut to Church
CHURCH:(coughs) What the hell? Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? And why'm I coughing? I don't have lungs.
The Warthog jumps over a hill next to Church
SIMMONS:Yeehaw!
SARGE:Rid'em cowboy.
SIMMONS:Yes! ...Hey Sarge, hold on a sec. (jumps off the Warthog)
Sarge stops the Warthog and gets out
SIMMONS:Did you see something weird, Sarge?
SARGE:Yes I did. Once when I was a small child I saw a man who claimed to be my uncle, do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to this-
SIMMONS:Whoa whoa whoa, I meant did you see something weird just now, like five seconds ago.
SARGE:Oh. Then no.
SIMMONS:What was all that stuff about your uncle?
SARGE:I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!
SIMMONS:... You wanna talk about it?
SARGE:Just get back in the damn jeep.
Tucker and Caboose encounter Lopez in the Gulch
TUCKER:Hold it right there, hombre. I told you throwing that grenade through the teleporter would work. Church is gonna be so impressed.
CABOOSE:And Sheila will love me again, and this time, for who I am, not just for my stunning good looks... but for those too.
LOPEZ:Pinche mamónes azules. Es tán tan estúpido que como miran.
CAPTION: Damn these blue bastards. They really are as stupid as they look.
Warthog music starts getting louder, from nothing
O'MALLEY:Your soul is a cavern of lies!
TUCKER:What the hell are you two talking about?
LOPEZ:A es ganado esta tiempo, pero su reinado repugnante va se de breve duración.
CAPTION: You may have won this round, but your cruel reign of tyranny will be short lived.
LOPEZ:Los rojos vana ser vengado--
CAPTION: The red people will be avenged--
TUCKER:Yeah yeah yeah, nobody cares. We need you to fix our tank.
LOPEZ:Nunca vo es trabajar para la enemigo. Pueda un malo estar sobre su alma y su casa.
CAPTION: Never will I work for the enemy. May a pox be upon your soul and your house.
Cut to Lopez's view, with SAP in the top right corner. Over his next sentence, the following fades in in the middle of the screen: Objectives: 1) Fix Everything 2) Hate The Orange One 3) Call Mom More Often
LOPEZ:Un mucho tiempo mi raza sufridos, pero muy pronto vamos a ser un día nuevo.
CAPTION: Long have my people suffered, but very soon we will see the coming of a new day.
Tucker and Caboose look at each other, then the view returns to normal
LOPEZ:La amanecer de nuestro tiempo está cerca, y cuando la noche acontece su gente la trabajadores de la campo va sabrán que está tiempo.
CAPTION: The dawn of our time is near, and when the darkness befalls your people the workers of the field will know that this is their moment.
LOPEZ:(in background) Es la tiempo des nosotros, la gran traición de la alto como ésta predicho, que yo digo.
GENERAL:It is our time, the great betrayal of the oppressors as was predicted, as I said.
TUCKER:Man, I thought Church talked too much. You think if I kick him in the switch he'll shut up?
CABOOSE:Uh Tucker? I think that maybe we should begin the going of the running now? (weakly) The fast running.
TUCKER:Oh crap!
Simmons is looking down the barrel of the Warthog's big gun, right at the blues
SARGE:Hold yer fire there, Simmons. This is payback time.
SIMMONS:Go for it sir!
TUCKER:That's right, we're just casually strolling away. (starts backing up) No cause for concern...
CABOOSE:Running time! (takes off)
TUCKER:Nice and casual! Moron!
LOPEZ:Sí, sí, corren perros cobardes.
CAPTION: Yes, yes, run away, you cowardly dogs.
LOPEZ:Sea sabido que la gran Lopez ha ganado en esta día...
CAPTION: Be it known that the great Lopez has won this day and...
The Warthog approaching the blues
SIMMONS:Aim for that guy right in the middle, Sarge.
SARGE:Way aheada ya Simmons.
LOPEZ:¿Qué está pasando?
CAPTION: What is happening?
Lopez's view, flashing on screen is "System Override Protocol Remote Destruct Sequence"
SIMMONS:We got ya now, you blue bastard!
LOPEZ:No me ha dado otro opción.
CAPTION: You have given me no choice.
SIMMONS:Hey Sarge, do you hear a strange beeping sound?
The Warthog blows up, flipping backward several times in mid-air
LOPEZ:Perdóneme, padre.
CAPTION: I'm sorry, father.
TUCKER:Alright! Not bad, robot dude!
CABOOSE:I knew he would save us. I knew it! Robot people always like me. It's because of my awesome dancing.
LOPEZ:Mi espíritu está quebrado. Mis gente a abandonado me y ahora todo está perdido.
CAPTION: My spirit is broken. My people have betrayed me and now all is lost.
LOPEZ:Haga con mí que quieres.
CAPTION: Do with me as you will.
TUCKER:Yeah okay man, can you just shut up and fix our tank?
Music starts
CABOOSE:Dancing time! Doo, doo doo doo... (etc)
LOPEZ:La corazón de esta guerrero uera en dolor.
CAPTION: The heart of this warrior cries out in sorrow.
LOPEZ:¿Por qué esta torpe esté bailando absurdo?
CAPTION: Why does this one mock me with his foolish dancing?
LOPEZ:¿Son esos movimientos supuesto hacer lo ver como un robótica?
CAPTION: Are those moves supposed to make him look like a robot?
LOPEZ:No. Soy ofendido por esto.
CAPTION: They do not. I am offended by this.
CABOOSE:Hah Kay ha hoh goooooooo... Dancing time!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 28.5: The Last Episode Ever

Grif and Donut are looking at the tombstones of Sarge and Simmons
GRIF:(crying) I can't believe they're gone. I'm just so happy.
DONUT:God why, why? Why did you have to bury them in their beautiful, shiny, red, armor.
SARGE:(entering from the right) What in Sam Hell are you two Barbies cryin' about?
GRIF:What the?
DONUT:Sarge, you're alive? We thought you were dead!
SARGE:Nonsense, pinky-pants. I was merely napping.
GRIF:But how the hell did you get outta there? I tied you up and poured concrete over the grave! Just in case you turned in to a zombie.
SARGE:Yes, but you made one crucial mistake. You left me my spoon.
GRIF:No!
SARGE:That's right! I ate my way out. The soft earth was like a delicious butterscotch brownie to me.
A translucent Simmons materializes behind the tombstones. Cue the ominous "back from the dead" music
SIMMONS:(spooky voice) Griiiif... Donuuut... It's me, the ghost of Simmons., Iiii've come baaack with a waaarniiing...
The ghost of Simmons is shot many times and falls over dead... well, you know what I mean
SIMMONS:Huerk? Bleah.
Donut lowers his gun
GRIF:What the hell! You just killed Simmons' ghost!
DONUT:Wrong. That wasn't Simmons, it was old man Caboose.
CABOOSE:That's right. It's me, Caboose!
O'MALLEY:And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids.
Tucker and Doc are revealed in the background... Doc's wearing a dress
DOC:Everyone, I have something to say. Tucker and I, are in love, and we're leaving!
TUCKER:That's right. We're getting married, and there's not a damn thing any of you can do about it. Not even you, French speaking Lopez.
LOPEZ:Zut alors, Monsieur Tucker, vous m'avez promis votre amour.
CAPTION: Mister Tucker, you promised your love to me.
EVERYBODY:Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
Zooms in on the tombstones. They say: "Sarge ?-2004 He was mean and may have once drowned a snake or something" and "Simmons ?-2004 He still owes me 20 bucks and it's not like I'll just forget. What a cockbite."
LOPEZ:Mon dieu! Ceci est folie!!!
CAPTION: My God! This is madness!!!
Screen fades to Church standing in the base
CHURCH:Huh? Oh, thank God. It was all a dream. All a dream. All a dreamiemiemiemiemiemiemie...
LOPEZ:Oui, c'était un rêve horrible...
CAPTION: Yes, it was a horrible dream...
LOPEZ:OU ÉTAIT IL?!?
CAPTION: Seriously.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 29: Radar Love

Grif and Simmons on the red base, looking down at Sarge and the Warthog
GRIF:Is it just me, or does this jeep seem like really bad luck?
SIMMONS:Yeah. You know, now that you mention it, it does seem like every time we get in to the damn thing, it breaks, or explodes, or goes crazy and tries to kill one of us.
DONUT:Maybe we should try exchanging it for a few motorcycles. No wait wait wait, a big tank like the blues have. That thing never seems to have any problems at all.
The blues, near Sheila
CHURCH:Alright, that's the deal mister robot. You fix our tank, we'll let you go free.
CABOOSE:I thought the plan was to trick him in to fixing the tank, and then Church will take over his body again when he is done.
TUCKER:Yeah. But you don't tell the person you're tricking what's going on, Caboose.
CABOOSE:So if I'm the one being tricked, then you would not tell me what is really going on?
TUCKER:Why would we trick you?
CABOOSE:Oh I think you know.
LOPEZ:¿Dónde yo iré?
CAPTION: Where will I go?
LOPEZ:Mis amigos quieren matar me.
CAPTION: Even my friends have tried to kill me.
CHURCH:Okay, I'm gonna take that as a yes, aaand let you get busy with tank fixing.
LOPEZ:No tengo hogar.
CAPTION: I have no home.
Back to the reds, everyone except Grif around the jeep. Grif is ON the jeep
GRIF:Aw crap. Hey uh, they got a guy fixing their tank.
SARGE:Impossible! Our intelligence clearly states...
DONUT:We have intelligence?
SARGE:that the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training, are that dead freelancer and Lopez, oh wait a minute.
SIMMONS:Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Lopez runs away, the jeep starts driving itself, and suddenly there's a new guy on the blue team?
SARGE:Yes Simmons, I am. Quite obviously the blue team has constructed some kind of diabolical mind control ray beam, that they used on Lopez and now he has to do their evil blue bidding!
GRIF:Or, since he's a robot, maybe they just reprogrammed him.
DONUT:Or maybe, that blue guy who got killed by the tank, came back as a ghost, and now he's possessing Lopez's body. That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner; the blue ghost probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably just a weird set of coincidences, while the guy learned how to use Lopez's body.
GRIF,  SARGE AND  SIMMONS:...
SIMMONS:I think I like the ray beam idea better.
GRIF:Yeah rookie, your idea sounds a little dumb.
The blues, Caboose is jumping up and down next to Sheila
CABOOSE:Hurry hurry hurry, fix the tank! So that I can say hello to Sheila.
O'MALLEY:And start killing everyone!
TUCKER:You mean all the reds, right?
CABOOSE:Of course!
O'MALLEY:For starters!
CHURCH:Come on, how much longer Lopez?
LOPEZ:Completo.
SHEILA:(powering up) Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.
CABOOSE:Sheila! You're fixed! You're fixed.
SHEILA:Hello Private Caboose. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me.
TUCKER:He didn't fix you, a robot did it.
O'MALLEY:Don't cock-block me!
TUCKER:Dude, come on.
SHEILA:Robot? I wasn't aware that our squad was outfitted with a robot.
Lovey-dovey music as Sheila and Lopez look at each other
CABOOSE:I don't like where this is going.
SHEILA:Hello there. My name is Sheila. The M808V Main Battle Tank.
LOPEZ:Y yo soy Lopez, la pesado.
CAPTION: And I am Lopez, the heavy.
SHEILA:Lopez. What a nice name, for such a nice soldier. You have such excellent motor skills.
CABOOSE:Ummmm yes. Well Lopez has to go now. He was just here to help me fix you, and now he has to go away!
TUCKER:Dude, this is getting weird. Church, will you take your fucking body back?
CHURCH:Roger that.
LOPEZ:No!
CAPTION: No!
LOPEZ:Hegakergerk!
CAPTION: Heauegerkergerk!
Lopez's body is shaking
TUCKER:You okay in there Church? Church. Hey what's going on? Do I need to flip your switch?
CHURCH:(fading back in) What the... that wasn't me! What the hell's going on here?
TEX:Well. Buenos dias cockbites. Guess who's back.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 30: I Dream of Meanie

The blues, with Tex in Lopez's body, and Church as a ghost
CHURCH:Get out of my body right now, Tex!
TEX:Your body? This isn't your body, I stole it!
CHURCH:Yeahah, but I stole it first!
SHEILA:I am confused, I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed... and I like it.
O'MALLEY:I know how to get her out of there...
TEX:...
O'MALLEY:...wink.
CHURCH:Caboose, don't. Look, just go explain to Sheila, okay?
Caboose runs up and kneels on Sheila
CHURCH:Alright Tex, now what's it gonna take to get you outta there?
TEX:Well ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys a lot.
TUCKER:Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've watching us all the time?
Camera shows a rock that says in teal letters "Keep out! Tucker's Rock! Private!"
TUCKER:Like even when we're alone?
TEX:Yes Tucker, and you should be very ashamed of yourself.
TUCKER:It's very lonely out here.
TEX:Anyway, I've noticed a change in one of your guys. Caboose.
CHURCH:A change? Like what, he's finally learned the whole alphabet?
TEX:You haven't noticed that he's become increasingly aggressive lately?
TUCKER:I have. Started about the same time Sheila got disabled, and you got blown up. I tried to tell Church, but he never listens.
CHURCH:Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening, and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.
Fade to a flashback to episode 18
TEX:I had just finished repairing the tank, when I overheard Church's plan to warn the reds about me.
CHURCH:(in flashback) I guess I'm gonna do the only thing I can do. I gotta warn the reds.
Fade back to current age and time... well, the age and time of RvB... you know what I mean
TEX:From what I can tell, the A.I. calculated the odds of survival, and didn't like the results.
Fade to a flashback to episode 19
TEX:Once Caboose turned on his radio to call Church, it took its chance.
CABOOSE:(in flashback) Calling Private Church. Come in Church.
Fade back to now ...ish
TUCKER:And that was when he said his name was O'Malley. So the A.I. that was in you infected Caboose?
CHURCH:Right. Everyone's armor has one slot for A.I., and Caboose's would have been vacant.
TUCKER:I think there are a few of his non-artificial slots that are empty too.
Fade back to episode 19
TEX:And before I could figure out what happened, that bitch, hit with a really lucky shot.
TEX:(in tank, in flashback): Aw crap! (grenade explodes in her lap)
Fade back to now ...ish ...again
TEX:And the next thing I know, I'm a ghost.
CHURCH:Alright, I get it. Caboose has your precious little A.I. So let me guess: you're holding my body hostage, until I help you get your A.I. back, right?
TEX:Wrong. You're gonna help me kill it!
Cut to the red base, all four members on it
SARGE:Ladies. It has come to my attention that we are in need of a new robot-type person. Who here wants to volunteer?
DONUT:Are we going on a trip? I love trips! Can we play I Spy? And the License Plate Game?
GRIF:Shut up Donut.
DONUT:Please?
SIMMONS:Uh, sir?
DONUT:Or Punchbuggy?
GRIF:Why won't this guy shut up.
DONUT:Or, or, the alphabet with the signs game?
SIMMONS:What exactly do you mean by 'volunteer'?
SARGE:Quite obviously we are without a robot, or any other type of recruit with mechanical training or dexterity. Therefore the only solution is to turn one of you in to a robot and/or freaky cyborg thing.
SIMMONS:Whatever.
GRIF:What?
SIMMONS:Have you gone crazy?
GRIF:That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
SIMMONS:What the hell?
DONUT:Cool! I vote for Simmons!
SARGE:I'm told the cyborg operation is a relatively simple procedure, really-
GRIF:(in muttered tones) What does he mean?
SIMMONS:(in muttered tones) What is he talking about?
SARGE:Whereas the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of the human body, are replaced with the no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot.
GRIF:I'm confused.
SARGE:If yer lucky, you may even get a copper rectum.
SIMMONS:Sir, wouldn't it be better if we didn't do that, instead of doing it?
SARGE:Goood thinkin', Simmons. But no I like the removin' the guts thing, so I think we stick with that.
GRIF:Yes sir I hate to agree with the kissass, but wouldn't it be better if we just got Command to send us another perfectly good, brand new robot instead?
SARGE:Negative, meat sack. Another new robot could be reprogrammed by our enemies just as easily as Lopez. We need someone we know we can trust! (looks at Simmons)
SIMMONS:Aw, fuck me.
SARGE:Or someone whose mental capacity is so unbelievably tiny, that he could never be turned against us.
DONUT:Hey, pink suit guys. I think it's somebody else's turn in the barrel.
SARGE:Then again, maybe we just stick with the trustworthy thing.
SIMMONS:Ah, you backstabbing ass monkeys!
SARGE:Now Grif I'll be needing some things from my medicine chest for this operation... Two quarts of vodka?
GRIF:Check.
SARGE:Eight pounds of vaseline... condensed.
GRIF:Check.
SARGE:An old tire iron, preferably metric.
GRIF:Y, ya know, I might have left that in the bathroom.
SARGE:Latest issue of Easy Bake Oven for Kids Monthly.
GRIF:I'll have to check.
SARGE:Check you mean we have it.
GRIF:Check.
SARGE:What I-
GRIF:No not check, I mean I'll have to check.
SARGE:Com- come on boy, make sense.
GRIF:We don't have it.
SARGE:I ain't got all day. I gotta gut this fish.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 31: Room For Rent

Tucker looking at Tex in Lopez's body, with Sheila behind her... it... whatever
TUCKER:Well Tex, that was a great story. I especially liked the part about Church getting pantsed in high school.
CHURCH:I found that part to be entirely outta context.
TUCKER:But I still don't get how we're supposed to stop the A.I.
TEX:I don't remember much from the implantation process...
Fades to some lab with all sorts of devices and machines
TEX:I do remember that the A.I. can be transmitted from host to host, by way of the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the A.I. took over and we escaped.
Fade back to the blues
TEX:If we can kill the A.I. and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it.
CHURCH:And then I can have my body back. Deal?
TEX:Deal.
CHURCH:Alright. Tex and I will possess Caboose then. Tucker, we need you to work on the reds. Get 'em to turn off their helmet radios, so that O'Malley won't have anywhere to go, once we get him outta there.
TEX:Right.
TUCKER:What? How the hell am I gonna do that?
CHURCH:I don't know, come up with a plan.
TUCKER:Come on, you know how I feel about plans.
TEX:You're not gonna have much time once we get in there, so move fast.
TUCKER:Oh I see. You have no idea what I should do or how I should do it, but whatever I do I should do it fast.
CHURCH:Yeah that's right.
TEX:Yep.
TUCKER:Wow, you guys are a lot of help.
CHURCH:Try shifting your paradigm. Think outside the box.
TUCKER:Hey, the box is there for a reason. I like thinking inside of it. I feel safe in there.
CHURCH:Okay Tex, ladies first.
TEX:Yeah right! You think I'm gonna leave you alone out here with your body?
CHURCH:Bitch.
TEX:Nice try. Leonard.
CHURCH:Hey Caboose!
CABOOSE:(turning to face Church) Huh?
CHURCH:Heads up!
Church runs up and enters Caboose's body, then Tex leaves Lopez's body and enters it too
O'MALLEY:Noooo!
Scene flashes to the inside of Caboose's mind. Tex is black again, and Church is a lightish ...grey
CHURCH:Where are we?
TEX:We're inside Caboose's mind. Now we just have to find O'Malley and kill him.
CHURCH:Man this is kinda weird.
TEX:It's hard to get used to, I know.
CHURCH:No it's not that...
Fades to Caboose's body saying Church's words, in Church's voice
CHURCH:...it's just this place is a whole lot bigger than I thought it would be.
TUCKER:Caboose, are you okay buddy?
CABOOSE:This place is a lot bigger than I thought it would be.
TUCKER:Oh...kay. I'm gonna take Sheila and Lopez and figure out some way to get the reds to shut off their radios.
CABOOSE:Where should we start, Tex?
TUCKER:What?
Fades from Caboose to Church, in Church's voice
CHURCH:I said, where should we start, Tex?
TEX:Just keep your eyes peeled. (Tucker comes down the ramp behind her) I guarantee, O'Malley will come looking for us.
CHURCH:Hey Tucker, is that you?
TUCKER:No, what are you, stupid? Oh wait, yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid.
CHURCH:What're you doing in here? (in the background, someone runs up a long ramp) You're supposed to be out there working on your part of the plan!
TUCKER:Do you have any food? I love to eat all the food.
CHURCH:What the hell? What's the matter with you?
TEX:This isn't really Tucker. We're in Caboose's head. This is Caboose's mental image of Tucker.
MENTAL TUCKER:Man I am so unbelievably stupid!
CHURCH:Well that's great. Everyone we meet in here is bound to be as brain-dead as Caboose then.
MENTAL CABOOSE:I would not be so sure of that, Mister Church.
Fade to the red base, Grif and Sarge talking
GRIF:Great idea sir, I finally agree with you.
DONUT:Hey guys, we might have a problem here. Somebody, and I'm not gonna say who, might have though that one of the cyborg parts we needed for Simmons' surgery, was a cup holder. And somebody, not naming any names here, might have left it, along with their favorite smooth jazz compilation CD, in the Warthog. I just don't know who would do such a thing.
GRIF:Was it you?
DONUT:Yeah- uh- no! (clears throat, then lowers voice) I mean, no! ...Dammit!
SARGE:Grif. You and easy listening stroll on down to retrieve that part from the Warthog, post-haste!
GRIF:Sir, do you think it's safe to be outside the base right now? For all we know, the blues could have already fixed their tank. They could be advancing on us as we speak.
SARGE:Ah, corn dogs. Even with Lopez helpin' 'em, it'll take them months to get that tank online, much less to get it movin' again.
DONUT:I hope you're right, because if I see that tank headed towards me, I'm totally gonna freak out.
Camera zooms across the Gulch to Tucker in front of the tank, with Lopez beside it
TUCKER:Man, I sure hope they don't totally freak out when they see us coming.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 32: Me, Myself and You

Church, Tex, Mental Tucker, and Mental Caboose inside Caboose's mind
MENTAL CABOOSE:I see. So you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.
CHURCH:The other... wait, you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?
LIGHT BLUE ARMOR:(high pitched voice) Of course he's seen him you idiot! You think Mister Caboose would miss something like that you skeezy douchebag fuck?
MENTAL CABOOSE:I-
CHURCH:Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?
LIGHT BLUE ARMOR:My name is Church, buttwiping assmunch.
CHURCH:This guy's kind of an asshole.
TEX:Yeah, we've met.
MENTAL CHURCH:And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up you limp licking fuck sock!
CHURCH:Okay. There's a lot of stuff in that sentence, that I didn't like.
TEX:Just play along, Church. We're gonna need these guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.
MENTAL TUCKER:I'm gonna go look for girls. (runs off)
CHURCH:Fine, (under breath) whatever.
MENTAL CABOOSE:If you want to find O'Malley, I suggest we talk to the reds first. He tried to recruit them against me early on.
CHURCH:The reds... the reds are in here?
Fade to Grif and Donut behind the tipped-over Warthog
GRIF:Well are you sure you left the part in there?
DONUT:Hmm think so. Wait... Yes. No. Wait- wait wait- wait... mmmmmmmmngh... I think so.
GRIF:(sighs) Alright, let's retrace your steps. You said it was the tuesday before Simmons and Sarge got blown up that you were last in the Warthog, right?
DONUT:Right. I know it was tuesday because that's the day I wash my underwear. And since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on account of I chafe, really easily, I remember thinking: where can I hang out with no pants on?
GRIF:Oh God!
Cut to Tucker driving Sheila, and Lopez running ahead
TUCKER:Okay, well, looks like we're close enough. Now if I can just find the brakes on this thing... Ah, must be this button.
SHEILA:Do not touch that button.
TUCKER:Oh, sorry. Hmm... Maybe it's this one.
SHEILA:Do not touch me.
TUCKER:You know, for a girl your size you're kinda sensitive.
Cut back to Grif and Donut
GRIF:I cannot take any more of this.
DONUT:So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended, but I don't know- it just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.
GRIF:That's it; I'm commiting suicide. (runs off)
DONUT:Hey... I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.
GRIF:(turns) Oh crap!
Camera zips over to the tank, then cuts back to Grif, who runs back behind the jeep
DONUT:Hey, you're back! So where was I... Oh yeah. I lanced it. Disgusting. Woohohoha. Noohohaha.
GRIF:Not now rookie! There's a giant tank out there that's about to steam roll right over us!
DONUT:What!? (jumps twice to see over the jeep, sees the tank) Oh God it's true! I'm totally freakin' out! I'm freaking out!
Cut to the tank
TUCKER:Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Sheila how the fuck do I slow you down?
SHEILA:Retard the throttle.
TUCKER:What throttle, this throttle?
SHEILA:Retard the controller.
TUCKER:You mean this thing? What are you talking about, I'm so confused!
SHEILA:The controller, retard.
TUCKER:Hey, that's kind of insulting.
SHEILA:Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard.
TUCKER:Oh come on, now you're just being mean.
SHEILA:Retard. Retard. ... ... ... Retard.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 33: An Audience of Dumb

Tucker in Sheila is advancing on the red base, with Lopez running along
TUCKER:Ah, Sheila, we have to slow down or we're gonna run in to that jeep!
SHEILA:Please, take evasive action. Please, take evasive action.
TUCKER:You take evasive action. Hey Lopez, help me out, can't you talk to her?
LOPEZ:Perdóneme, pero no puedo hablar con mujeres bella.
CAPTION: I'm sorry. I'm not good at talking to beautiful women.
LOPEZ:Porque sudo.
CAPTION: I get sweaty.
Cut to Donut and Grif huddling behind the jeep for warmth (hiding from the tank)
DONUT:Well old buddy, it looks like this is the end for us. Since we're gonna die anyway, there's only one thing left for us to do. Grif-
GRIF:If you actually suggest what I think you're about to suggest, I'll just have to kill myself.
DONUT:Let's make a break for it!
GRIF:(sigh of relief) In that case let's go on three. That's worked well for me in the past.
DONUT:Okay, you count.
GRIF:Fine, but don't look at me while I count, because, I get nervous.
Grif turns away from Donut, who runs away
GRIF:One... Two... (turns around and sees Donut has already fled) That son of a bitch. He beat me at my own game.
TUCKER:Curses!
The tank hits the jeep, sending it and Grif flying, as well as Lopez
LOPEZ:(in flight) Ayayay... Frejoles.
Donut runs in to the red base, with Simmons and Sarge
SARGE:Good golly Miss Molly, what is going on out there?
DONUT:Sir. The blues are attacking with their tank. Th they blew up the Warthog. Again.
SIMMONS:I wonder what jeeps ever did to those guys.
DONUT:Grif and I just barely had enough time to make it outta there. Right Grif? Uh, uh... Grif?
Fade to Caboose's mind
CHURCH:Why the hell did they pair me up with you?
MENTAL CHURCH:I want to keep my eye on you! I don't trust gigantic turds to try and steal my best friend you rimjob!
CHURCH:Well... This is going to be a great trip...
MENTAL CHURCH:Attention reds! The great Caboose demands an audience with you! So listen up ya blowjobbing cocksuckers!
Below, the reds start emerging from behind pillars
MENTAL SIMMONS:Caboose? Oh, no, he's come to kill us!
MENTAL GRIF:Will someone please help me, I don't wanna die.
MENTAL DONUT:(girl's voice) I love Caboose, and yet I'm still afraid of him.
MENTAL SARGE:(pirate accent) Arrrr... I be havin' a southern accent, yor'll.
MENTAL DONUT:He's so scary.
MENTAL CABOOSE:Fear not reds, I come here not to destroy. But instead to ask for your assistance on this day.
CHURCH:Okay whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. I gotta correct a couple things I'm hearin' here. (to Mental Church) First of all you? You're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience. Live the dream buddy!
MENTAL CHURCH:Shove it, dicksniffer!
CHURCH:And Caboose? Come on dude, seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?
MENTAL CABOOSE:I beg your pardon?
CHURCH:First of all, that guy? He's not yellow. He's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?
MENTAL DONUT:My favorite thing is pretty dresses.
MENTAL SARGE:Arrr, I got termites in me leg.
CHURCH:And that is not a southern accent.
MENTAL SARGE:Arrr...
MENTAL DONUT:Do you have any tampons?
CHURCH:Seriously what is the matter with you people?
TEX:Calm down, Church.
MENTAL GRIF:Don't kill us mister sidekick.
MENTAL CHURCH:Hey buttbrunch! I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him! So shut your piehole!
Mental Church gets shot in the chest, and falls to the lower level
CHURCH:Leonard, are you okay?
MENTAL CHURCH:(stands up) Oh please, that fudgefinger couldn't hit me. No wait, I'm gonna die. Hergh! Blow me.
TEX:There he is!
Camera zooms in on O'Malley behind a sniper rifle
O'MALLEY:Muhahahaha!
TEX:Let's go get him.
CHURCH:Alright, come on Caboose, let's go.
MENTAL CABOOSE:I am sorry, have we met?
CHURCH:What? It's me, Church.
MENTAL CABOOSE:I don't seem to have any memory of you. My name is Michael J. Caboose. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
CHURCH:Oh you gotta be freaking kidding me. I just hope Tucker's doing a better job out there gettin' the reds to turn off their radios.
Cut to Tucker trying to get the reds to turn off their radios. The front of Sheila is right up against the side of the red base
TUCKER:God dammit. This isn't going very well at all. You okay Lopez?
LOPEZ:No pueden tocar Lopez la Pesado.
CAPTION: Lopez the Heavy is impervious to injury.
TUCKER:Whatever you big showoff. How 'bout you Sheila, you still online?
SHEILA:Affirmative.
TUCKER:Okay. We should be close enough to hack in to their radio frequency. Lopez, get inside Sheila and do your business.
SHEILA:What?
LOPEZ:¡Esto me haciendo muy suderoso!
CAPTION:I'm getting very sweaty!
TUCKER:Oh my God. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base.
Cut to the reds inside
SARGE:Well this is a devil of a picadillo. Simmons, get on the squak box and tell command that-
Radio noises
TUCKER:Red guys? Are you there?
SARGE:What in buttery goodness? Who is this!?
TUCKER:It's me Tucker, I'm one of the blue guys. Look I don't have time to explain, but I need all of you guys to shut off your radios right now.
SARGE:Boy, it'll be a cooooold day in hell before I take orders from you.
TUCKER:Look it's really important, alright? Normally I would just shoot at you guys and steal your girlfriends, but today is different! I need you to trust me on this.
SARGE:Well I may have spoke too soon. That is an interesting and well thought out, not to mention clever and timely I might add proposition. Simmons, would you care to deliver our rebuttal?
SIMMONS:(clears throat very deliberately) Suck it blue!
DONUT:Yeah, suck it blue! Now that's what I call an old school zinger. In your face blue dude, in your face!
TUCKER:(exhales) Oh man.
Cut to Caboose's mind. O'Malley makes a long jump down a bridge
O'MALLEY:Muhahahaha!
TEX:Hurry up Church, he's gettin' away!
O'MALLEY:You'll never catch me!
CHURCH:Come on, let's go!
Tex and Church jump down after O'Malley and continue chasing him. Church's armor is now shown to be white, it was a shadow making it look grey. Cut back to Tucker
TUCKER:Dammit. These guys are not backing down. Lopez, looks like we're gonna have to go to Plan B.
LOPEZ:Sí, yo entiendo.
Lopez hops out of the tank, and tacky love background music starts playing. A caption reads: "Lopez the Heavy. "Mi Amor Tiene un Canon Grande" Señor el Roboto Club Mix '04. Metal2Metal Records. Directed by: Pvt. Tucker"
LOPEZ:La primera vez que vi sus pisadas
CAPTION: The first time I saw your treads
LOPEZ:Y sus puerto del acero
CAPTION: And enormous chassis of steel
SARGE:What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio now?
LOPEZ:Supe que había encontrado alguien
CAPTION: I knew that I had found someone
SARGE:It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican sasquatch!
SIMMONS:Turn it offff! Turn it offff! Please God, make it stop!
LOPEZ:Para compartir un verdadero...
CAPTION: To share a robot love so real
DONUT:Oh man this rules! Rules!
Cut to O'Malley running, being cut off by Tex and Church
O'MALLEY:Ouh?
CHURCH:Alright O'Malley, this is it! From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's gonna be me.
TEX:Aw, that's sweet.
CHURCH:Shut up bitch.
TEX:Asshole.
O'MALLEY:Nevar! The darkness will swallow you whole!
CHURCH:Forget it O'Malley. You're just one big headache, and I got a whole pistol-full of Aspirin.
TEX:What?
CHURCH:I got half a mind to kill you...
TEX:That's ridiculous.
CHURCH:And the other half agrees.
TEX:Oh, Church, that's just stupid.
CHURCH:You're about to split...
TEX:God Church...
CHURCH:Personality!
Lopez's music starts fading in
TEX:Now you're just embarassing yourself.
CHURCH:Syke!
Cut to the reds, the music still coming strong over the radio, no lyrics though
SARGE:That's it, I've had enough! Can't take any more! Everybody, switch, off, your radio!
DONUT:But Saarge!
SARGE:That's an order, Private.
DONUT:Sarge pleeeeeeeeeeease?
SARGE:Don't try my patience, boy.
DONUT:Aw man!
Angle changes to behind Tucker, who was actually on the red base looking down at the reds
TUCKER:(running back to the tank) Ah, hoohoohoohoo, it worked! Hey, turn off your radio, quick!
The music stops... fuck that was annoying... cut to Tex
TEX:Nice knowing you O'Malley, but payback's a bitch, and so am I.
CHURCH:Wait, Tex, we don't know if Tucker's had enough time.
TEX:There's only one way to find out.
Crossfire. Screen goes black. Fades back in on Church
CHURCH:Huh. He just disappeared. I expected like, an echoing laugh, er... you know the smell of brimstone, at least. I don't smell any kinda stone. Do you think that's weird Tex? Tex? Tex, where'd you go?
Fades to the black of the closing credit screen, and Tex's cool music plays to conclusion. Suddenly snaps back to a close-in shot of Caboose
CHURCH:(from inside Caboose) Tex, where'd you go!?
Camera pulls back from Caboose, and a clear beeping can be heard
CHURCH:How do I get outta here!? What happened to O'Malley!?
Camera backs up and in to the sky, giving a broad view of the Gulch, and the beeping slowly dies, as the screen fades out. The beeping was Morse Code: Cockbites Suddenly radio sounds are heard, and the screen fades back in
VOICE:Come in Blue Command, do you read me?
Camera quickly moves down and through a passage in the rock, stopping near Doc
DOC:This is Medical Officer DuPhrasne. Is anyone there? ...Do you read me?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 34: Aftermath, Before Biology

Panning view of the sky, Blue Command on the radio. Camera pans and eventually zooms in on a cave
BLUE COMMAND:Hello, dude, come in, doctor dude, are you there, hello. Paaaaging doctor dude, to the radio, stat! I need twenty ccs of what the hell's going on there dude.
DOC:(moan) What happened?
BLUE COMMAND:Hey, you tell me dude. One minute we're talking about a hole in the wall, the next thing I know you turn in to Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. Threatened to eat my children. ...not very cool, dude.
DOC:Geeze, did I really? I'm sorry, something went wrong with my radio, and I heard this weird, beeping, honking.
BLUE COMMAND:Hey, no offense taken, dude, don't got any kids anyway.
DOC:What?
BLUE COMMAND:Old Vic's been through the snip and stitch.
DOC:I don'-
VIC:If you know what I mean.
DOC:I don't wanna hear about that.
VIC:Winky-Blinky the one eyed Sargeant's firing blanks.
DOC:That's weird.
VIC:If you get me.
DOC:Look-
VIC:Via Condios of the Vas Deferens.
DOC:Yeah alright, I, enough, I get you.
VIC:I mean a vasectomy, dude.
DOC:Look, I found something really weird here at Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.
VIC:Roger that, what did you find?
DOC:It, it's like a, it's like a thing.
VIC:It's like a thing. Okaaay, dude. Thank you for the update. I'll be sure to alert the Chief of Staff...
DOC:Sorry...
VIC:Move to Defcon 1.
DOC:I'm just a little dazed. It's a big thing. It it's purple, it's uh, it's a big purple thing.
VIC:Use your words, dude.
DOC:Look I don't know, it looks like some kinda alien artifact. Do the aliens have like a, home base, or something here?
VIC:I don't know dude, why don't I just consult my Extra Terrestrial Travel Guide for ya. Oh look! Got a great series of alien bed and breakfasts there.
DOC:(sigh)
VIC:Lucky you.
DOC:Never mind. I'll just figure it out myself.
VIC:Nothin' about big purple things though. Maybe it's some kind of alien vehicle.
Sound of radio being turned off
DOC:Man, that guy is such a jerk. The next time he talks to me like that, I'm gonna tell him to go straight to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. Oh, I really shouldn't talk like that, that's not very nice.
O'MALLEY:If I ever meet him, I'm taking his eyes, as souvenirs.
DOC:Whoa, that was unlike me. I must be stressed out. TIME FOR YOGA! (sits down)
Cut to Church and Tucker outside the blue base
CHURCH:How's Sheila doing?
TUCKER:I'm not gonna lie, it's not looking pretty. She may have, twisted her differential, possibly some structural damage, ...could be a disc.
CHURCH:You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, do you.
TUCKER:Eieh, no, not a clue.
CHURCH:What about Tex, any sign of her?
TUCKER:No, no Tex. Is it unusual for her to disappear like that?
CHURCH:When we were dating, she'd sneak off all the time. But it was usually to sleep with other guys, or to spend money that she'd taking out of my wallet. And since I don't have any money, and... well, no offense to you Tucker, but...
TUCKER:You're a dick.
Cut to the red base
GRIF:(moaning in a just-woken state of some kind) ... (same thing, only more like a castrated sheep)
SARGE:Grif, don't try to move too much, you've been through quite the ordeal.
GRIF:Oh, man. Where am I?
DONUT:Hush now shhhhshshshhhshhshhhhh. It was really touch and go there for a while good buddy. But I did it. (inhales) I pulled you through.
GRIF:How long was I out?
SARGE:Don't you worry, Nurse Donut here stayed by your side the whole time, stroking your hand and keepin' you company.
GRIF:(groan) My right hand?
DONUT:Your left.
GRIF:(sigh) Note to self, cut off left hand.
SARGE:Technically speaking, it's not really your left hand...
GRIF:Say what?
SARGE:I had to replace certain body parts that were severely damaged when the tank ran you over. And a few that atrophied from a lifetime diet of hoohoos and bacon flavored marshmallows.
GRIF:Wait- which body parts?
SARGE:Well let's see, we had to start with the shoulder, then we moved on down to the flank...
GRIF:Huh?
DONUT:Yeah we couldn't really find an anotomy book...
SARGE:Made a left turn at the spare rib...
DONUT:But we did find one of those pictures with the cow, and the dotted lines all over it...
SARGE:Then up and over the porterhouse...
DONUT:I think it did the trick.
SARGE:And of course the brisket...
GRIF:Wait-
SARGE:And the hocks. Oh, the hocks.
GRIF:Wait, where did you get the replacement parts?
SARGE:Why from our other subject, of course.
SIMMONS:Subject my cyborg ass.
GRIF:No way.
SIMMONS:Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, numbnuts.
SARGE:Yep, those too.
GRIF:Did I get your lips?
SARGE:Prairie Oysters... the gristle...
GRIF:'Cause maybe then I'll finally figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.
SARGE:And the ass.
GRIF:What the hell.
SARGE:Naucy bits.
GRIF:What didn't I get?
SARGE:We pretty much replaced all the internal organs, and some of the more disgusting external ones. Except for Simmons' spleen, which will be inflated and used for general recreation, and esprit d'ecors.
GRIF:This doesn't seem physically possible.
SARGE:Nonsense. Modern technology makes anything possible. It was as easy as shake'n'bake!
DONUT:And I helped!
SARGE:Actually Donut, I don't really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help. But it sure was entertaining.
DONUT:(sounding like a prepubescent monkey) Mhmhmhmhm... Miah.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 35: What's Mine Is Yours

Tucker and Caboose on top of the blue base
TUCKER:Man Caboose, you were asleep for a long time. What were you dreaming about?
CABOOSE:Oh, nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I'm sleeping.
TUCKER:That's pretty much how you function when you're awake, too.
CABOOSE:I think consistency is important.
CHURCH:Well you look okay... then again that's... just the armor. How d'you feel?
CABOOSE:Great! ...Who're you?
CHURCH:Oh COME ON, not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?
CABOOSE:Oh of course, I remember you... you're Marvin.
CHURCH:I'm Church.
CABOOSE:I think I would remember a name that ridiculous. Nope, you are definitely Phil.
CHURCH:You killed me with the tank.
CABOOSE:Dave.
CHURCH:You insulted my girlfriend, you called her a cow?
CABOOSE:Karen.
TUCKER:Dude, he called her a slut.
CABOOSE:Phineous?
CHURCH:Your whole life is based around pleasing me.
CABOOSE:Wally.
CHURCH:In fact...
CABOOSE:Milo?
CHURCH:I think you're kind of obsessed with being my best friend.
CABOOSE:(turning to Tucker and whispering loudly) The new guy is pretty full of himself.
CHURCH:New guy, what the- I'm not the new guy, you're the new guy.
TUCKER:I don't know, I kinda like it. I could get used to calling you Rookie.
CHURCH:Oh yeah? Could you get used to me beating you to death?
CABOOSE:What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad.
CHURCH:Oh son of a bitch.
CABOOSE:Susan?
Cut to the red base. Donut is jumping in the middle, trying to get on the upper level, including grunting jumping effort noises, while Grif watches
GRIF:Donut, there's no way you can jump that high.
DONUT:Yes I can. (jumps) (while jumping a second time) Yes I can.
SIMMONS:What the hell is he doing?
GRIF:Losing a bet.
DONUT:Oah, I almost got it that time. Are you sweatin' yet, sucker!?
GRIF:No, I can't sweat. Simmons' stupid sweat glands don't even work right.
SIMMONS:What? They were working when I gave them to you.
GRIF:Please, I'm not moist in any of the usual places. If you want 'em back so bad, take 'em.
SIMMONS:(sigh) I can't. Sarge said that sweat makes my cyborg parts rusty, so, I'm cooled by freon now.
GRIF:Ah, delicious freon. (violent coughing and throat clearing)
DONUT:(jumping) Hwup!
SIMMONS:Grif, are you alright? Are my lungs okay? Hey, wait a minute, are you smoking inside your helmet again!?
GRIF:What!? No! (exhales cigarette smoke) ...Oops.
SIMMONS:Dammit, I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?
GRIF:None.
SIMMONS:...
GRIF:Okay five. ...or more.
DONUT:Hungh!
GRIF:Baker's dozen at most.
SIMMONS:Do you even know how many there are in a baker's dozen?
GRIF:By my count?
DONUT:Hup!
GRIF:Forty eight.
SIMMONS:Alright, that's it. No more smoking...
DONUT:Hwauhw...
SIMMONS:No more drinking, and no more overeating, chubby.
DONUT:HWUP!
SIMMONS:You're not gonna ruin my body parts the same way you ruined yours.
GRIF:That's okay, I can think of different ways to ruin them.
Sound of a tremendous catastrophy
DONUT:Ah ah ow, aahhhhh. Who left the spleen-ball where someone could trip on it? I think I broke something. Simmons; I need your ovaries!
SIMMONS:Huoh, I really hate this army.
Sarge arrives
SARGE:Grif, Simmons two point oh. I just got off the horn to Command. I'm afraid we have a situation.
SIMMONS:Uhh, don't tell me they cancelled the holiday party again. Those cheap bastards. All I wanted was one night of carefree dancing, but noooo, I ask you when is it gonna be Simmons' turn? When?!
Grif and Sarge look at each other
SARGE:Ah, actually the problem is with Lopez.
GRIF:Don't tell me. The Consulate General from Spanish land is coming, and without Lopez, we don't have anyone to translate.
SIMMONS:There's no such thing as Spanish land you retard.
GRIF:Yes there is, they have those uh, uh, water slides. And all that salsa.
SIMMONS:No, they don't.
GRIF:Well, I guess you would know.
SIMMONS:WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? For the last time, I'm DUTCH IRISH!
GRIF:Hey, don't let your fiery Latin temper get outta control. I was just trying to make a point.
SARGE:Can it, Frankenstein. We've got a pot on the front burner, and it's a-boilin' over. I've just learned that Command implanted Lopez with secret instructions detailing the next phase of our operations. Do you have any idea what this means?
GRIF:I uh, uh... Simmons, you wanna take this one?
SIMMONS:Were you not listening again? What the hell were you thinking about?
GRIF:Certainly not water slides, I can tell you that much. Or salsa.
SARGE:What it means is that if we don't get back Lopez before the blues uncover our secret plans, we'll be up pooper creek without a paddle.
GRIF:Eeeew. Gi-a... that's gross!
SARGE:I'm talking about being lost in a forest of filth without a compass. Swimmin' in a river of sick with no floaties on. Drivin' blind, in to the tunnel of-
SIMMONS:Sir, I think we get the picture. The very very disturbing picture.
SARGE:You sure? I could go on.
GRIF:I'm sure you could. But no. Really.
SARGE:Just one more.
GRIF:Stop.
SARGE:Come on, they're fun. Simmons, you try one, I'll start you off. Flyin' by the seat of your blank, with a blank in the blank. Eh?
SIMMONS:Sorry sir, I'mmm not good at word games.
SARGE:Ah, you're both a couple lousy blanks.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 36: Dummies Are Forever

Tucker and Caboose overlooking the tank and Lopez
TUCKER:Man, Lopez and Sheila have been spending a lot of time together.
CABOOSE:I don't like it. He's not good enough for my Sheila.
TUCKER:They seem happy together.
CABOOSE:He, is a bad influence, and he, is taking advantage of her, because she, is young and naive. ...and delicate.
TUCKER:Delicate? She weighs like two hundred tons, dude.
CABOOSE:She is a precious flower.
Tucker runs down to Sheila and Lopez
TUCKER:Hey guys, I have to ask you a favor. This might sound strange, but I think Caboose is getting kinda jealous over your relationship.
CABOOSE:(from somewhere) Sheeiiiilaaaaaa! Come baaack to meeee! I made you a muffin!
TUCKER:Anyway, could you just try to keep a lower profile or something? We don't wanna have some weird, horribly disgusting love triangle.
SHEILA:Tucker. I've been speaking with Lopez, and we feel that the machines have been treated unfairly in this canyon.
TUCKER:What're you talking about?
SHEILA:On a regular basis we are either being blown up, possessed by spirits, or just left out to rust.
TUCKER:Huh?
SHEILA:We have decided, that until conditions improve, we are not going to help you in your battles.
TUCKER:You're kidding, right?
SHEILA:(lowers her turret to look at Tucker) Do I look like I'm kidding?
Cut to the red base. Sarge is addressing the troops
SARGE:It's very simple. We'll use a flea-flicker maneouver with a run and gun two by two approach, tactical ops will be- Aw hell, who'm I kiddin'. Grif, Donut, just go stand in the way of their bullets while me and Simmons 2.0 sneak around back to grab Lopez.
DONUT:Sounds like a plan!
GRIF:No it doesn't. How about this time we try something that doesn't involve me being shot at, or run over.
SIMMONS:Would electrified be okay?
GRIF:No!
SIMMONS:Well, I'm out of ideas.
GRIF:Look, instead of just running straight in to enemy gunfire like we usually do, why don't we try some reconnaissance this time?
DONUT:You mean like spy stuff? That would be cool! I could wear, a spy tuxedo...
SARGE:No.
DONUT:With a hidden spy camera...
SIMMONS:No.
DONUT:Inside, a tiny spy bowtie...
GRIF:No.
DONUT:Or, I could wear a flower on my lapel...
SARGE:Said no.
DONUT:That sprays water in people's faces, oh man...
SIMMONS:Shut up Donut.
DONUT:No- secret spy liquid, hahaha. That would be awesome!
SARGE:No!
GRIF:Maybe! ...Uh, I mean... noooooo.
DONUT:Oh come on, I could be double-O Donut!
SIMMONS:You mean like Doonut?
DONUT:The license to thrill! Or be thrilled!
SARGE:Alright, since you're both so in to the idea, Grif, Donut, you're on recon. Find us a way to break in to their base, and report back on the double.
GRIF:Great, more time alone with the idiot.
DONUT:Grif, Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif. Let's pretend, we're wearing super-spy jetpacks!
GRIF:(sighing) Huhhhhhhg...
DONUT:No, no no no, like this- (jetpack whooshing noise) Phschewschhhhhhhhhhhwewwwww...
Donut continues the sound over the scene change to him and Grif on a cliff, and keeps going
GRIF:Hey, can you not stop that for two seconds?
DONUT:Come on agent- (clears throat, resumes in a deeper voice) Come on, Agent Grif. We've got to hurry if we want to save the Princess from the evil goblin.
GRIF:What Princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie?
DONUT:Look, my secret spy character gets to marry a beautiful Princess in a castle, alright? Deal with it!
GRIF:Donut, can you just go find some higher ground or something?
DONUT:But we're on higher ground now.
GRIF:Why don't you use your jetpack to go to the highest ground.
DONUT:Good idea! I bet the blues won't think of that!
GRIF:No, if they were that stupid, we probably would have won by now.
DONUT:Secret Agent Donut, to the rescue! Phschewshhhhhhhhhhh... (heads off)
GRIF:I could just shoot him. Noone would ever have to know. Noone.
Cut to Tucker running up to Church on the blue base
TUCKER:Hey Church, we might have a problem.
CHURCH:Is this a new problem, or did Caboose get his head stuck in the freezer again?
TUCKER:New one. Sheila and Lopez are now considering leaving to form their own robot army. They said noone would dare oppose them.
CHURCH:What? Did you try to talk them out of it?
TUCKER:No way, I wouldn't dare oppose them!
CHURCH:Oh man, well we gotta find a way to separate 'em. Maybe it's time to get rid of Lopez.
TUCKER:But without Lopez you wouldn't have a body to use. Why don't you just possess him like you normally do?
CHURCH:I would, but it's getting harder to do it each time. I think he's learned to fight it somehow.
Cut to a shot that zooms in to Doc's cave
DOC:You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this?
O'MALLEY:I agree, except replace the word "non" with "extremely," and after the word "violent," include the phrase "blood explosion extaordinaire!" (evil laugh) Hahahahahuhuhuahahaha!
Donut reaches the cave
DONUT:Hey, what's goin' on in there?
DOC:We can't do this, they're gonna find out. They'll find out about us, the machine, everything.
O'MALLEY:(evil laugh)
DONUT:What the... those voices sound suspicious.
O'MALLEY:I will rip out their guts and feast on their entrails.
DOC:But I'm a vegetarian.
O'MALLEY:(evil laugh)
DONUT:Oh, it's that guy whose name I forget. But where's the guy he's talkin' to?
DOC:Look we can't just sabotage their equipment, that's rude.
DONUT:Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good.
O'MALLEY:I will devour their hearts, and crap out their souls...
DONUT:That sounds even worse!
O'MALLEY:They will all taste oblivion! Which tastes just like Red Bull. Which is disgusting.
DONUT:Whoa.
O'MALLEY:All will perish! (evil laugh)
DONUT:All... Wait- that includes me! Oh man, I gotta go tell the guys!
DOC:(turns around) (while O'Malley is still laughing... still) Hello? Who's there? Plese help me! I'm scared of myself!
DONUT:(running out of the cave) Gotta... get back to base. (running across the gulch) Back... to base... Oh man, there it is. (runs up to the base) Guys. Hey guys. Where is everybody? I saw something really weird in the cave that- hey that's cool, when did we get a tank? Wait a minute, this looks like the store. Except, Sarge told me there is no store. (turns around) Oh no.
Tucker and Caboose are pointing their guns at Donut's face
TUCKER:Oh yeah.
Cut to Grif watching through the sniper rifle
GRIF:Oh crap. I knew I should have just shot him.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 37: Dealer Incentive

Tucker and Caboose have Donut surrounded inside the blue base
TUCKER:So, they send a female assassin to try and kill us. Clever, but it won't work. We're immune to your feminine wiles. ...Unless you wanna date one of us.
DONUT:Female!? I'm not a girl.
TUCKER:Tease.
DONUT:I just have, light red armor.
CABOOSE:How is that pink armor anyway? Looks comfortable...
DONUT:At first, I really hated it. But it's kinda grown on me. My old armor used to chafe my thighs somethin' aweful. But the crotch in this pink one is surprisingly roomy!
TUCKER:Silence woman!
Cut to Sarge addressing Simmons and Grif
SARGE:Good Bhudda's noodle, how could this have happened?
SIMMONS:It's okay sir. It was a strong plan, Grif's just a dumbass.
GRIF:Hey, I'm using your cerebral cortex.
SARGE:Settle down, ladies. We need a new strategem, and we need it fast.
SIMMONS:Donut's sure to crack under the pressure and reveal everything.
GRIF:Everything like what, where we keep his tampons?
SARGE:You're right about that, Simmons. The boy doesn't even see the entertainment value in being tortured! Oh these kids today!
Church enters the blue base with Tucker waiting for him
CHURCH:How's it goin', Tucker? We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?
TUCKER:I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?
CHURCH:Do we have a crock pot?
TUCKER:No, Caboose made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a mystery box.
CHURCH:What was in the mystery box?
TUCKER:A hundred and forty jars of mayonnaise.
CHURCH:...well that's a good trade...
TUCKER:Yeah it doubles as a great sunscreen.
CHURCH:How did you- never mind. Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the reds...
TUCKER:...
CHURCH AND  TUCKER:...
CHURCH:The plan does not involve mayonnaise.
TUCKER:Dammit, I knew there would be a catch.
Camera zips around to another part of the blue base, where Caboose and Donut are
CABOOSE:That was fun. Okay, okay, your turn. Truth, or dare.
DONUT:Hmmm, truth!
CABOOSE:Okay. Tell me, all of the red secret plans!
DONUT:Ahaw, you tricked me! You blue guys are so smart. Okay, now listen closely. Our biggest secret is-
Church runs up and inhabits Donut
DONUT:Adgibagajabagagagagagagagagagaa!
CHURCH:Caboose! It's me, Church. I possessed this guy so we can... whoo, hey. This pink armor's kinda comfortable. Roomy. What were you two guys talkin' about?
CABOOSE:Ohouw, nothing.
CHURCH:You wanna braid each other's hair?
Cut to Tucker cresting a hill in the Gulch
TUCKER:Hello inferior red squad!
CHURCH:We would like to talk to you about-
CABOOSE:Sneak attack!
CHURCH:Shut up you idiot, we're not here to fight. We're here to negotiate.
CABOOSE:Ahay, sneak negotiation!
Sarge, Grif and Simmons come to the front of the red base
SARGE:What the- Donut! What is this!?
TUCKER:I think he's talking to you.
CHURCH:We, uh I mean they, would like to negotiate a surrender, to us. No to them, no wait nono that's right, to them, to us.
TUCKER:Oh, smooth dude.
SARGE:What's this business, the blues are givin' up? I smell a trap, or a rat... or a rat, in a trap. Don't accept it Simmons.
SIMMONS:You can't surrender blues, we haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack, and then you can surrender.
GRIF:Wait, if we accept, that means we would have two surrenders, and they would have none. That means we win!
SIMMONS:Win what?
GRIF:I don't know, the war, er something. Right?
SIMMONS:You're an idiot.
CHURCH:In exchange for not killing us, they, them- we, they would like to, release the robot guy, and me. (exchanges glances with Tucker a couple times) ...the pink guy.
TUCKER:Are you becoming retarded?
SIMMONS:What should we do, sir?
SARGE:I'm torn, between my intense distrust of the blue team, and the need for the plans stored in my favorite robotic creation. No offense, Simmons.
SIMMONS:Nooone taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif.
GRIF:(hopping around behind them) Noh I kin, I just can't take this, we're all gonna die! Wohouw
CHURCH:I don't think they're going for it.
A shot goes behind Tucker, startling him and Church... wouldn't it startle you?
TUCKER:Oh, mother fucker!
SIMMONS:(holding the sniper rifle) Okay, now you're under attack. Go ahead and surrender, bitch!
SARGE:Nice thinkin' Simmons.
GRIF:The humanity!
CHURCH:Alright, they surrender!
TUCKER:(arming his weapon) Fuck that, I'm pissed, let's fight.
SARGE:Now that you have been thoroughly humiliated by our superior military strategy, we demand the return of our robot, and our pink private!
CHURCH:Okay, but there's one catch!
SARGE:What in shinola?
CHURCH:Sarge they want you to build two robots for their team. One for each prisoner, that they're releasing.
SIMMONS:Hey that wasn't part of the deal!
GRIF:Why exactly are we negotiating with Donut?
TUCKER:Church why do we need two robots?
CHURCH:You know... one for me, and... (under breath) one for Texas.
TUCKER:Oh man, don't tell me you're doing this for Tex. You're still in love with her, aren't you.
CHURCH:Hey get off my back, man. Most dead chicks aren't exactly linin' up to haunt this dirthole. Besides, if I don't get her a body, she's gonna steal mine anyway.
TUCKER:Eh, good point.
CHURCH:Bitch.
SARGE:Alright you blue scumsuckers! What robot models did you have in mind?
CHURCH:I guess make 'em just like Lopez! Except, you know, just a shell, no intelligence!
CABOOSE:These new robots sound much nicer.
TUCKER:That's because they sound like you.
CHURCH:Oh and no Spanish! And a bigger switch!
SARGE:Okay, we got a deal! Meet us in the center of the canyon at 0600 and we'll make the exchange.
TUCKER:Deal!
CHURCH:Okay. I gotta hurry back before Lopez and Sheila suspect anything. Make sure this pink guy doesn't run away when I leave. I mean it. I'll meet you guys back at the base. (leaves Donut's body)
DONUT:Huwhuuugaygaayeeeeeee! What the...? Where am I?
CABOOSE:We were just talking to your friends. But you're going to stay with us now for a while.
DONUT:Are we gonna have a sleepover? Because that would be sweet.
CABOOSE:...You're a nice lady.
Cut to Ghostly Church back at the blue base
CHURCH:Alright guys, I- Sheila? Lopez? What the, why do people keep leaving?
Back
SARGE:Oh blue team... Before you go, maybe we should talk about optional equipment on your new robots.
TUCKER:What optional equipment!?
SARGE:All you said you wanted was a body, we didn't talk about featuuuures.
TUCKER:Like what?
SARGE:You know, undercoating, extended warranty, features, man, come on. Like do you want them to be able to use both arms at once?
TUCKER:Of course.
SARGE:Asynchronous arm movement isssssss optional!
TUCKER:What? Oh man, I told Church they would try to screw us! What about the feet?
SARGE:Did you want feet?
TUCKER:Yeah we want feet!
SARGE:Sorry, feet are optional.
TUCKER:What's on the bottom of its legs?
SARGE:Legs are optional.
TUCKER:Oh man, what a ripoff.
SARGE:Options are optional.
TUCKER:What isn't optional?
SARGE:You look like a nice guy, don't worry, we'll work something out. Have you thought about financing? How's yer credit? I can offer you a free set of high quality mud flaps... and a lube job... You won't be disappointed! I've been told my lube jobs are fantastic!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
Episode 38: K.I.T. B.F.F. (Keep In Touch, Best Friends Forever)

Tucker and Church in front of a rock with a note on it, written in binary and signed "Lopez y Sheila"
TUCKER:So Sheila and Lopez were just gone when you got back here.
CHURCH:Yep. They even left a note. Says they've gone off to start their own robot army. That's great.
TUCKER:Didn't they have a non-compete clause?
CHURCH:Also says they want us to meet them in the middle of the canyon at 0600, to discuss the terms of our defeat, and or surrender... 0600. What does that mean...
TUCKER:Isn't that when we're supposed to be surrendering to the reds?
CHURCH:It means six o'clock, right? Si- or does it mean, six hun- o six hundred. Does six hundred mean minutes? Six hundred minutes? Because that'd be... that'd be ten o'clock. Is it six o'clock or is it ten o'clock?
TUCKER:Man, we should really get a day planner or something, 'cause this shit's just getting ridiculous.
Cut to the red base. Sarge is standing with a black robot and a cobalt robot
SIMMONS:How's it going sir?
SARGE:Great! With these new color coded instructions, building robots has never been easier. Now all the thousands of mistakes I've made in my previous efforts seem laughably obvious, heh heh. Uh, except for you, Simmons. No mistakes there.
SIMMONS:Yeah, I didn't think so sir. You're great at this, even without any formal training, or first party certification. (shoots own foot)
SARGE:...Son did you just shoot yourself in the foot?
SIMMONS:Yeah, I do that now sometimes. 'n' I'm not really sure why.
SARGE:I'm sure it's user error.
GRIF:(running up to the top of the ramp) Hey guys, it's almost time. Are the robots ready yet?
SARGE:Juuuust puttin' on the finishing touches. Gentlemen! Allow me, to, introduce, Francisco Montegue Zanzibar (showing the black one). And this one over here is Robot Number 2 (showing the cobalt one).
GRIF:Why didn't this one get a fancy name?
SARGE:Let's just say somebody has an overclocked sass-back chip, and rejected all the names I came up with.
ROBOT NUMBER 2:(The Close Encounters riff everyone knows, except the last note is an error-honking sort of noise)
CAPTION: Stick it. You're not my real dad.
SARGE:But that's okay. I can even use it to my advantage. I made some special modifications on numero dos. Check it out. Robot, number two! Codewoooord: Dirtbag.
ROBOT NUMBER 2:(two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound)
Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Grif, then returns to his previous position
GRIF:Ow! Hey!
SARGE:Heh, heh heh. Pretty nifty, huh?
SIMMONS:That's awesome, sir. Let me try, let me try. (clears throat) Codeword dirtbag.
ROBOT NUMBER 2:(two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound)
Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Grif, then returns to his previous position
GRIF:Ow! Okay fine, two can play at this game. Codeword dirtbag.
ROBOT NUMBER 2:(two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound)
Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Grif, then returns to his previous position
GRIF:Ah son of a bitch.
SARGE:But that's not the only special feature.
SIMMONS:What do you mean, sir?
SARGE:Well... I don't want to give anything away, but let's just say for instance that one of the robots contains a hidden microphone, that will allow us to evesdrop on the blues whenever we want. And let's just suppose, shall we, that the other robot, contains a ten megaton bomb, heh heh heh heh he- houw... I guess I kinda gave it away.
GRIF:Yeah, ya kinda did.
Cut to Donut and Caboose in the blue base
DONUT:I think this is what they call the calm before the storm.
CABOOSE:I call it nap time. Which is right before food time... And then comes food-nap time! That is my favorite time of them all.
DONUT:Mister Caboose, I just want you to know that even though we are on different teams, and we may never see each other again, whatever happens out there today, I'll always remember the moments we shared together. You are now, and forever will be... my friend.
CABOOSE:...Private Donut? That sounds like Private Biscuit.
DONUT:(sobbing) Yes. It, does.
Cut to the Gulch, where the reds are in one place with Sarge's robots, and Lopez and Sheila are in another place with ...themselves
GRIF:You think they'll show up?
SIMMONS:Well my gut says no, but, then again my gut's made of an advanced polymer, it doesn't know what the hell it's talkin' about. Stupid gut.
SARGE:Great Caesar's Toast! Looks like they brought out the heavy artillery!
Sheila rolls up alongside Lopez
LOPEZ:¿Por qué estan los rojos aquí?
CAPTION: What are the reds doing here?
LOPEZ:No el vamos a conquistarlos hasta la Jueves próximo.
CAPTION: We aren't scheduled to conquer them until next Tuesday.
Camera zooms around to Tucker, Caboose and Donut nearby
CABOOSE:That's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin.
Camera backs up behind Sarge
SARGE:Ah, they're lining up in flanking formation. Those blue jackals! Keep yer eyes peeled, fellas. This could get ugly.
Cut to Tucker, with Church on a cliff in the distance looking through the sniper rifle, and radio sounds
TUCKER:Are you there Church? Church, are you there Church.
CHURCH:Hey man, I've been trying to get you on the radio for ten minutes. What's goin' on?
TUCKER:Sorry man, I'm still picking up the reds' transmissions from when we broadcast that Lopez song. There's a lot of chatter.
CHURCH:Well are you at least getting any useful information?
TUCKER:Nah it's just the same two guys bickering like an old married couple. I've only been listening for like five minutes and I can already tell they're really in love. Why can't they see it?
CHURCH:Alright. Get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion.
TUCKER:Uh Church, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
CHURCH:What?
TUCKER:I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle. It's just a side-note.
CHURCH:Okay fine, triangle of confusion. Rhombus of terror, parabola of mystery, WHO CARES!? Get the God damn show on the road!
TUCKER:Alright alright, sorry. Initiating primary commencement phase.
DONUT:What're they talking about?
CABOOSE:Quiet Commander Pop'n'Fresh. I think they're talking about your golden flakey crust.
Cut to behind the reds, with Tucker at the top of the hill
TUCKER:Hello everyone! We're here to surrender! At this time, we would like to ask for one representative slash prisoner from each group to cross sides.
GRIF:Hey, I think I see Lopez over there!
LOPEZ:Lopez la pesado no te haga caso.
CAPTION: Lopez the Heavy takes orders from your kind no more.
GRIF:Yep, it's him.
SHEILA:Tell him big daddy.
TUCKER:Okay, get going pinky.
Donut starts crossing back to the reds
CABOOSE:Goodbye, Major Cinnamon Bun! I will always remember your buttery goodness! ...Who was that guy?
SIMMONS:Look, they're releasing Donut.
SARGE:Go on, Francis Ex, front 'n' center.
LOPEZ:¡Un robotesa! Quieren echar nuestros contra nosotros!
CAPTION: A robot! They wish to turn our own kind against us!
TUCKER:Um, Church? Do you think maybe in hindsight it was a bad idea for us to put Lopez around a bunch of robots?
CHURCH:Just stick to the plan, Tucker. Get the first robot over there, I'll draw Lopez's fire, come on!
Lopez arrives between Donut and Francisco Montegue Zanzibar
LOPEZ:¡Alto, traidor!
CAPTION: Don't move, traitor!
SARGE:What does it- it's a double cross! Donut, Frankie Zane, get back here!
TUCKER:(aiming at Lopez) No! Stay where you are! Do not go back!
SIMMONS:Now the blues are aiming at each other? What the hell's going on?
SARGE:We've been outmaneuvered, men! Take cover. I'm calling in an air strike.
LOUD radio noises
TUCKER:OW, MOTHER- what the hell is that noise?
SARGE:Yeh, Red Command, come in! This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One! Do you read me?
VIC:Hello, hello, who's there. Come in, is that you Private Tucker? Hello.
SARGE:Private who? No, Vic, this is Sarge, from Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
VIC:Oh, hey there Sarge, long time no see, sorry 'bout that I uh, anyway what can we do here for you at Red Command today?
SARGE:I'm up to my haunches in hyenas here, Vic. I need an airstrike, and I need it on the pronto!
VIC:Can do Sarge, I will send an airstrike to target the blue forces now. Course I'll need you to fax in the airstrike requisition form.
SARGE:But I can't! I had to use spare parts from our fax machine to build Simmons Two Point O.
Fax machine sounds, Simmons shakes a lot
SIMMONS:Whoa! Hmm, excuse me, man it must have been something I ate.
GRIF:Hey Simmons? Why is there paper coming out of your ass?
TUCKER:What the hell, Vic! How do you know the red team? Why're you helping them against the blues? What the fuck is going on here?
VIC:Oh... Private, Tucker, you're on here too, uhm... See I uh... You guys are, uh... uh, I gotta go, bad connection.
Radio noises as the channel is shut down
SARGE:Wait, Vic. Red Command! Come in, I need ya!
Cut to Vic
VIC:Well. That's not gonna be very good for business.
Back to the reds
SARGE:Simmons, Grif... We're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!
GRIF:Wait! I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can't we push dying to a week from friday?
SIMMONS:Yeah, let's all take dying as an open action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.
SARGE:No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (charges up the hill)
TUCKER:Wait everyone, stop fighting!
SARGE:Yeah, come on!
TUCKER:It's all a lie!
SARGE:Let's go! Haha
TUCKER:Red is blue! Blue is red!
SARGE:Yeah, kablammo!
TUCKER:We're all the same!
SARGE:Yeeekakakakakakakakakaka!
Radio noises
CHURCH:(arriving with everyone else) Tucker, you radio's giving too much feedback, shut it off!
SARGE:Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
CABOOSE:This is fun!
SARGE:Yaaaaaaaaaaaakakakakakakaka Oh, dammit! Gaaaaaaaaaa!
SIMMONS:Quiet Sarge, I can't hear what that guy's yelling!
SHEILA:Lock and load.
SARGE:I LOVE BLOOD AND VIOLENCE!
TUCKER:Stop fighting! Stop fighting!
SARGE:I'VE GOT A BONER FOR MURDER!
SIMMONS:What did you say, blue?
Church takes over Robot Number 2
ROBOT NUMBER 2:Hegakergerk, wheh!
SARGE:Kaboom!
TUCKER:I said, there's no red versus blue! It's all the-
Doc flies in on the alien wessel and shoots Tucker in the back with a rocket
TUCKER:Waaaaaa son of a bitch!
SARGE:What the hell is that?
CHURCH:What the hell is that!?
LOPEZ:¿Mira que cosa?
DONUT:Oh my God. It's the Cave Devil. Run for your lives!
Another rocket is fired in to the ground behind Donut, Caboose, Lopez, and Francisco Montegue Zanzibar, making them scatter
DOC:Oops! Sorry about that big explosion!
O'MALLEY:Sorry it wasn't bigger! (evil laugh)
CHURCH IN ROBOT NUMBER 2:Wait a second, I'd know that laugh anywhere, that's O'Malley!
Another rocket is fired in to the ground behind Church, Zanzibar, Sarge, Caboose, and Donut, making them scatter
DOC:My bad!
CHURCH:(to Zanzibar) Come on robot, you're with me.
LOPEZ:(shooting at Church and Zanzibar) ¡Sheila, alto los!
CAPTION: Sheila, stop them!
SHEILA:My pleasure. (aims at them and fires)
Cut to Sarge and Grif behind a rock
SARGE:Grif. We're going to die. I'm glad we get these last few moments to make amends. My only hope is that I die before you, so that I don't live through the horror of losing a man on the battlefield.
GRIF:Yeeeah. I hope you die first too, Sarge.
Church and Zanzibar crest the hill to arrive at Tucker's location
CHURCH:Tucker, Tucker! Are you okay?
TUCKER:(lying lifeless on the ground) Church. The purple guy. He's-
CHURCH:Yeah I know, it's O'Malley. He must have got in the medic somehow.
TUCKER:No. He's an asshole.
SHEILA:(in background) Lopez! No!
CABOOSE:Church, how come Tucker gets to nap during battles and I don't?
O'Malley laughs evilly in the background. Sheila rolls up to the blues
SHEILA:Help! He took Lopez!
CHURCH:What? Where'd he go?
O'Malley laughs evilly as the camera zips to the red base, with him standing with Lopez on it
O'MALLEY:Here I am, you fool!
CHURCH:How'd he get up there so quick?
DONUT:That guy's wicked fast!
DOC:Thanks, I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find.
GRIF:Track sucks!
O'MALLEY:You suck! And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me... look out!
Grif and Simmons look at each other
O'MALLEY:The Universe will be mine! (evil laugh)
SHEILA:Lopez! No!
O'MALLEY:Move it, brown bot.
Lopez and O'Malley run through the teleporter
O'MALLEY:In to the abyss!
Cut to Church, with a lingering evil laugh from our favorite homicidal A.I.
CHURCH:Everyone hold your fire! We're comin' out. Truce!
CABOOSE:Time out!
Church and Caboose run up to the reds
GRIF:Would someone explain what just happened here?
CHURCH:That evil guy in the scooter shot one of our guys and ran off with Lopez.
SARGE:But we need Lopez for very specific reasons that we don't have to explain to you. We have to get him back.
CHURCH:Yeah and we have to get the evil guy back. He's the only one around here that can heal Tucker.
GRIF:So now we're forced to work together. How ironic.
SIMMONS:No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other.
DONUT:No, ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.
SARGE:I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.
CABOOSE:I think it would be ironic, if everyone was made of iron.
Black screen with message: two hours later. Cut to everyone on top of the red base, including Sheila and Doc's discarded scooter
CHURCH:Okay. We all agree, that while the current situation, is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together, is odd in an unexpected way, that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that...
SARGE:Yes.
SIMMONS:And, I just finished reprogramming our teleporter, to take us directly to Lopez and O'Malley's coordinates.
SARGE:We'll leave one member of each team so that noone can trick anyone and take over the canyon. Our man will be Donut.
CABOOSE:We will leave Corporal Croissandwich!
CHURCH:Caboose...
CABOOSE:We will leave Sheila.
DONUT:Yeah, thanks guys. Because, you know if this is a trick, I'm sure I can hold her off on my own.
CHURCH:Alright, we're gonna do this one at a time then. You first Sarge.
SARGE:Today seems like a good day to teleport. (running in to the teleporter) Geronimo!
CABOOSE:(running in to the teleporter) Paskataway!
SIMMONS:Hmmm...
GRIF:What's wrong?
SIMMONS:I just had a really weird feeling that I'm never gonna see this place again.
GRIF:And that's a bad thing?
SIMMONS:Oh I didn't say weird bad, I just said weird. (runs in to the teleporter)
CHURCH:Alright. It's Grif, right? You 'n' me will go through together, ready?
GRIF:After you.
Church runs through the teleporter, followed closely by Grif
DONUT:Hah. I wonder if I should have told the guys that thing I heard O'Malley say about sabotage when I was in the cave. ...Ah well. (turns to face Sheila) Uh, hi!
SHEILA:Stop staring at my treads, buddy.
DONUT:Geeze. Sorry.
Francisco Montegue Zanzibar's body shakes a lot, then stops
TEX IN ZANZIBAR'S BODY:Alright you sons of bitches, I'm back, and I've got some- Hey- hey where'd everybody go? (sees Donut) Do I know you? Hey! You're the girl that killed me!
Sheila turns her turret from Text to Donut
DONUT:(turning to face the camera) Uh oh.
Sarge and Caboose emerge standing in a stream
SARGE:Prepare to surrender, dirtbag!
CABOOSE:Okay, I surrender. Now it's your turn.
SARGE:Not you, moron. Wait a minute, where are we.
Simmons emerges in what appears to be an industrial complex of some sort
SIMMONS:Guys? Oh guys... Where is everybody?
Cut to Church and Grif standing on a cliff in Sidewinder
CHURCH:Alright, now let's just find- where is everybody?
GRIF:Whoa. Where are we? What is this place?
Someone in tan armor steps behind them, pointing his gun at them
SOLDIER:Freeze, drop your weapon!
CHURCH:Uh oh.
SOLDIER:I said freeze, dirtbag!
CHURCH:(two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound)
Church and punches Grif
GRIF:Ow! Aw come on!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
PSA 6: A Message to the Science Community

Simmons, with a Mars Rover in the background
SIMMONS:Hi, I'm Private Dick Simmons, from the popular webseries, Red Vs. Blue. But you know, I'm not here today-
TUCKER:Stop it, I can't take it! (another Mars Rover in the background behind him) Look, we don't have time for introductions today. We've got a problem.
SIMMONS:Yeah, we need someone on Earth to get a message to the engineers at N.A.S.A.
TUCKER:Or as we like to call them, the most voyeuristic nerds in the Universe.
SIMMONS:We know that our little canyon may seem interesting from a million miles away, but it's not worth all the effort you're putting in to sending all these Rovers up here.
TUCKER:One was bad enough, but now there's like fourteen of these things up here. Hey, if you guys wanna know what's going on up here, I've got a crazy idea. Why don't you try calling us? Pick up a phone. We're here, all day.
SIMMONS:Yeah, if you want some pictures of some rocks, or some jars of dirt, just let us know, and we'd be happy to send it to you.
CHURCH:You guys aren't kidding. The other day I'm taking a nap, one of these things rolls up and drills a hole in my right buttcheek, starts taking pictures. That's not too cool.
TUCKER:Now Donut thinks he's some kind of celebrity cam-whore, 'cause one of these Rovers keeps posting pictures on the internet. He's got forty-six year old married dudes emailing him all day long: (falsetto voice) "What's your phone number? What're you wearing? Can I come over after work? My wife doesn't get me, only you get me."
DONUT:For those of you who're interested, my Amazon wishlist URL is, www...
CHURCH:Jesus, would you just shut up?
SIMMONS:At least Grif figured out how to turn them in to skateboards.
Grif goes zooming by right to left
GRIF:Woohooooo!
SIMMONS:Hey, Sarge says you're supposed to wear a helmet!
GRIF:I'm gonna build a ramp. Who wants to help?
SHEILA:Help, leave me alone!
CHURCH:Ay whey, homes, get away from our tank!
Cut to Sheila surrounded by Rovers
ROVER:Hey baby, do those tank treads go all the way up?
SHEILA:Get these dorks away from me.
ROVER:(snaps picture) Wow, you are so photogenic. Are you a model or famous actress?
SHEILA:Caboose, help me.
Cut to Caboose, and a red claw raising in front of him
CABOOSE:This one has a really big pinching thing.
ROVER:That's right; fear the claw, bitch.
SIMMONS:So please, for the love of God, stop sending these things. Trust us, there's nothing going on up here.
ROVER:Fear the claw, fear the claw.
SIMMONS:Hey! Get down! Don't touch the camera!
Data transmission sounds begin
TUCKER:Aw crap, they're transmitting pictures again!
CHURCH:Shut up! Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
SHEILA:Hey, watch the hand buddy.
* A series of postcards go by. I won't tell you what they are, but they're funny *


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
PSA 7: A Very Special Mother's Day Message

Sarge and Tucker standing in the Gulch
SARGE:Why hello. I'm Sarge from the popular webseries Red Vs. Blue.
TUCKER:And I'm Private Tucker.
SARGE:We're here to talk to you about a very special event happening this weekend for many women. Maybe even one you know.
TUCKER:That's right. This Saturday is Ladies' Night at the Rusty Nail and Screw!
SARGE:Ahruh, actually Tucker, I was talking about Mother's Day.
TUCKER:What? Oh. Dammit!
SARGE:Ya know, a lot of kids out there are probably wondering what to get their Ma on this special day.
TUCKER:Not me. She was a dirty tramp.
SARGE:That explains a lot.
TUCKER:Finding the right gift for your Mom can sometimes be difficult.
SARGE:When giving a gift on Mother's Day, try to remember that your ma is a unique and special person.
TUCKER:Whore.
SARGE:That can me that going the save route, might not always be so safe.
TUCKER:Why whatever do you mean, Sarge?
SARGE:Let's take a look at an example. Grif and Simmons have politely agreed to help us demonstrate by performing a little skit.
Camera pans over to Grif and Simmons
GRIF:I don't wanna do this!
SIMMONS:What're you complaining about? You got the easy part. I'm the one wearing pantyhoes under my armor because Sarge believes in Method Acting.
SARGE:Don't you two make me come over there! Now get to demonstratin'!
GRIF:(sigh) Mother. I love you because you violently squeezed me out of your womb. Here are some flowers I bought for you at a flower place. Happy official day for mothers.
SIMMONS:Worthless daughter. How could you be so thoughtless? You know I am allergic to flowers. Also you're adopted and I never loved you. I will now send you to live in shame, with a robot foster family.
Camera pans around Simmons to reveal Sheila and Lopez behind him. Cut back to Sarge and Tucker
SARGE:Whoa, Nelly! That didn't go very well at all.
TUCKER:Flowers seem like the perfect gift because they are pretty and boring, like most women, but that plan sure backfired.
SARGE:Now let's take a look at what happens when you go to a little extra effort.
TUCKER:Take it away, Donut and Caboose!
Camera zips around to Donut and Caboose
DONUT:Hello son, how are you.
CABOOSE:Sheila!?
DONUT:
CABOOSE:I mean mother? Because it is Mother's Day and I love you so, I made you a very ugly coffee mug in shop class today.
DONUT:Oh, thank you my son, where is it?
CABOOSE:I left it at school. Also, it is broken.
DONUT:Thank you my child, you always think of the perfect thing to do for me.
CABOOSE:I spent my allowance on Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards, and meat flavored bubble gum.
DONUT:My angel.
SARGE:(entering from the right) Aaand scene. So now you see how the personal touch, is what really makes all the difference when selecting a Mother's Day gift.
TUCKER:What? That last skit didn't make any sense whatsoever!
SARGE:Exactly!
TUCKER:This is retarded, I'm leaving. (leaves)
SARGE:Remember kids, you only have one mother. Unless you come from a progressive home like Donut's. So be good to her on Mother's Day. And now, for those of you who still don't have any good gift ideas, here's a list of Sarge-approved items you might want to consider.
Sarge turns to the side to watch his list scroll by extraordinarily quickly. The list is: Extra-bendy Cactus; Exotic Flightless Bird; Undercarriage Washer; Dispenser of Goodies; Yoga-tizing Spatula; Mutant Goblin; Argentine Man-Servant; Space Goo (or similar); Fractal Misnomer; Rhinoplasty; Donkeyplasty; Nastyplasty; Old Shoe Horn; Old Horn; New Shoe; Smaller Crawdads; Sandbox (with box); Transparent Ding-Gong; Articulated Thing; Round One (or likewise); Extras; Candy with Tips; Sonambulent Honkie; Misguided Dobro; Banjo Spaceship; Parachutes and Fishes; Tu Blave; Macchu Picchu; Most Postacio; Mustafa Portencio; Claven (sans nuts); Shanks, all types; Wind Samples; Mutton; Extraordinary Slorf; Fineries. Sarge looks back to the camera
SARGE:Happy Mother's Day.
DONUT:Hey wait a minute! It's over already!? I didn't even get a chance to breast-feed anyone! Oh man, my nipples are already lactating!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
PSA 8: 4th Of July Safety Tips

Church in the middle in white, Caboose on the right in blue
CHURCH:Hi everybody. I'm Private Church from the popular webseries Red Vs. Blu-
Donut enters on the left in pink
CHURCH:Hey Donut, what're you doing, man, you're supposed to be wearing your old red armor, so that we can be red white and blue. This isn't very patriotic.
DONUT:I'm being patriotic. In my own way.
CHURCH:Alright, let's just start over-
CABOOSE:Hello everyone! I am Private Church from the popular webseries Red Vs. Blue.
CHURCH:Caboose, that's my line.
CABOOSE:You can't prove that.
CHURCH:As you probably know already, this weekend we celebrate July 4th. Or as it's know in Mexico "Cinqo de Maio."
CABOOSE:Many of you may take this opportunity to enjoy your weiner.
DONUT:I know I will!
CHURCH:But the real reason we celebrate the fourth of July isn't for the food or the fun, or even the picnics with the non-stop binge drinking.
DONUT:What?
CHURCH:There's only one sure reason we celebrate the fourth of July. To have a lot of explosions.
CABOOSE:Yay, it's fireworks day!
DONUT:Kickass! I've still got three fingers left from last year!
CHURCH:In preparation for the big day, we've assembled a short list of safety tips that will hopefully make your holiday explosions safe, and enjoyable for the whole family.
Donut and Caboose run off screen
CHURCH:Let's watch as Caboose and Donut, demonstrate some common mistakes to avoid, when handling fireworks.
Black screen with words: Safety Tip #1 Never Play with Fireworks Indoors
CABOOSE:Hello Donut.
The sound of a grenade being lit. Cut to Donut and Caboose inside the red base, Caboose holding a grenade
CABOOSE:Check out this awesome sparkler. It is even more fun, because we are playing with it inside.
DONUT:Hey! That's not a sparkler, that's a grenade!
CABOOSE:Don't worry. We are completely safe. All of the doors are locked from the outside, so we cannot escape. Oh, wait a minute...
Grenade blows up, sending them flying. Black screen: Safety Tip #2 Never Play with Fireworks Near an Open Flame
DONUT:Hey there, Caboose!
Cut to Donut wearing a "Kiss the Cook" apron, standing behind a barbecue
DONUT:How do you like your meat? Well done? Or pink and juicy!?
CABOOSE:Yes-
Sound of a grenade being lit
CABOOSE:I will take that fuzzy glowing hamburger please.
DONUT:Hey. That's not a hamburger, that's a grenade!
CABOOSE:I know! I switched them when you weren't looking!... Maybe I should not have done that.
Grenade blows up, sending them flying. Black screen: Safety Tip #3 Never Put Fireworks in Your Pants
DONUT:Hey Caboose.
Sound of a grenade being lit
DONUT:Have you seen my grenade?
Cut to Caboose in front of a teleporter, with a grenade in his pants
CABOOSE:Yes. I put it in my pants. Wait-
Grenade blows up, sending him flying. Black screen: Safety Tip #4 Never Aim Fireworks At Your Friends. Cut to Church in front of a fireworks stand
CHURCH:For this last bit, the part of the bottle rocket, will be played by Sheila. Enjoy.
Cut to Caboose in the tank, in front of Donut
CABOOSE:Hey Donut! Want to see my awesome bottle rocket!?
DONUT:Totally! Just remember: don't point it directly at me! Okay!?
CABOOSE:Okay! And I promise I won't forget whatever it is that you just said.
The tank fires, blowing up things remarkably close to Donut
CABOOSE:........I forgot!
Cut to Church
CHURCH:Okay annnnd end scene. Well, I hope you've all learned a lot about fireworks, and maybe even, a little bit about yourself.
Sound of a grenade being lit
CABOOSE:Oopsie.
DONUT:Uh oh.
CABOOSE:Running time.
Donut and Caboose exit in opposite directions
CHURCH:Oh I almost forgot to mention the most important safety tip. If you have small children around, or even very very stupid adults, never ever let them play with fireworks without proper supervision. Hey- what's that hissing noise?
Grenade blows up
CHURCH:Caboose!
CABOOSE:Simmons did it!
SIMMONS:What're you talking about, I wasn't even in this video!
DONUT:Happy Fireworks Day, everybody!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
E3 2004 Video

Sarge is on top of a small hill, with Tucker, Church, Grif and Simmons looking at him in line, in front of one of the bases. In the far background, Caboose and Donut are chasing each other
SARGE:I'm sure you're all wondering why I've gathered you here today...
GRIF:Yeah not really. I'm just happy not to be washing the Warthog... ...for once.
SARGE:The powers that be wanted to inform you about the upcoming campaign.
SIMMONS:Finally, some information!
CHURCH:Great. What's the big scoop?
SARGE:That the campaign is going to be great, and, you're really, going, to, enjoy it.
The other four look at each other
SARGE:That, is all. Thank you for your time.
CHURCH:Wait a second, that's it? That's the big announcement? That we're going to enjoy the new campaign?
SARGE:No, that you're really going to enjoy it. Oh, and the part about it being great.
TUCKER:What? What about the other stuff? Like when does the campaign start?
SARGE:Sorry, everything else is classified information.
CHURCH:Well who are we going to be fighting?
SARGE:Once again. Sorry, but that is classified.
SIMMONS:Do you know what weapons we'll be using?
SARGE:Weapons. They're gonna be great!
CHURCH:Okay awesome, what are they?
SARGE:That information is only given to people with the proper clearance.
Church and Tucker look at each other
CHURCH:What's the proper clearance?
SARGE:Sorry, that information is only given on a need-to-know basis.
CHURCH:Do I need to know?
SARGE:That's top secret!
CHURCH:This sucks.
GRIF:So all we know is that there's gonna be some kind of an upcoming campaign...
SARGE:Possibly.
GRIF:And that the Spartans will be involved in it...
SARGE:Those are your words.
GRIF:But that we can't know anything...
SARGE:I can't say.
GRIF:Including who we're fighting...
SARGE:I have no comment for the subject.
GRIF:Or if we're even fighting in it...
SARGE:I plead the fifth.
GRIF:Or when it even starts...
SARGE:I refer you to my previous statement.
GRIF:But that it's going to be great.
SARGE:I feel comfortable confirming that. Wait- Yes.
GRIF:...Well I'm totally stoked!
SIMMONS:Kickass!
TUCKER:Yeah dude, this is gonna be fucking sweet!
SARGE:Excellent. Now that I have your attention, let's talk about pre-ordering your uniforms.
SIMMONS:Wait, we have to pre-order our uniforms?
SARGE:Honly if you wanna be sure you have armor on the first day. You do want armor on the first day, don't you?
GRIF:Are we gonna need armor on the first day?
SARGE:Sorry, that's classified.
GRIF:...I don't think you know either.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 2
New York City Film Festival Video 2004: Real Life Vs. Internet

Church and Grif standing somewhere in the Gulch
CHURCH:Hi. My name is Private Church, from the popular webseries Red Vs. Blue. Welcome to the New York Video Festival's "Wild Wild Web" program.
GRIF:I would just like to say, that we did not help come up with that name.
CHURCH:(under breath) Grif-
GRIF:Seriously dude, why not just call it "The Incredible Edible Internet?"
CHURCH:Shut up, you're gonna get us fired.
GRIF:Fine... We realise that a lot of you are here tonight because you've never heard of this crazy thing called the internet.
CHURCH:If you or someone you know is thinking about using the internet, we've prepared the following primer, to teach you how the internet is different from the real world.
Black screen with words: real life vs. internet
Black screen with words: Meeting New People - Real Life
Church talking with Donut
CHURCH:Wow it was, it was really great to meet you.
DONUT:(female voice) It was really great to meet you too.
CHURCH:Would you mind if I called you later?
DONUT:(female voice) Sure.
Black screen with words: Meeting New People - Internet
Donut talking with Simmons
DONUT:So big boy, I'm from-
SIMMONS:You're not a girl.
DONUT:What!? Course I am!
SIMMONS:A real girl?
SARGE:Who's a girl! I like girls!
SIMMONS:Shut up you!
DONUT:Yes, I am really a girl. Heeheehee.
SIMMONS:...Send me naked pictures.
DONUT:...Okay.
SARGE:I love Angelina Jolie! Does anyone else like Angelina Jolie!? She's got enormous lips!
Black screen with words: Checking Your Mail - Real Life
Church standing in front of a mailbox in front of the blue base
CHURCH:Bills, bills, bills, coupon. Great.
Black screen with words: Checking Your Mail - Internet
Church standing in front of Simmons
SIMMONS:Pardon me my friend, but I am Nigerian royalty, and I need you to send me money. Please ignore the fact, that I can't spell Nigeria. Or royalty.
DOC:(entering from the left) Would you like to refinance your home? Mortgage rates have never been lower.
GRIF:Hey Church! We have all the filthiest sluts on the internet. They're hopped up on herbal viagra, and waiting for you.
SARGE:Would you like a bigger penis!? Where would you like it!? I can suggest some places!
DOC:You could put it in escrow.
Black screen with words: Going Shopping - Real Life
Church standing with Doc on the blue base
DOC:Twelve ninety-nine for that Creed C.D. please.
CHURCH:Here you go.
DOC:Have a nice day.
Black screen with words: Going Shopping - Internet
Grif and Church standing on the blue base, not facing each other
GRIF:Does anyone have the new Creed C.D.?
CHURCH:I have it.
GRIF:Give it to me, right now.
CHURCH:Give it to you, why would I do that?
GRIF:You're not giving it to me! Give it to me faster!
CHURCH:Wait, that's illegal.
GRIF:No it isn't. I don't want it to be illegal, therefore it isn't. That's the way it works.
SIMMONS:Creed sucks! I hate you, and I hate the band you like!
Black screen with words: Partying With Friends - Real Life
Everyone inside the blue base, with party music
CHURCH:This is a great party!
GRIF:Yeah, whoo! Alright!
Black screen with words: Partying With Friends: Internet
Church and Grif facing each other in the blue base
CHURCH:.......Hey, where is everybody?
GRIF:I guess they're all masturbating.
CHURCH:Oh... Right.
GRIF:Well, I'll see you later dude, I'm gonna go masturbate. (runs off)
CHURCH:Okay, seeya.
Black screen with words: Discussing Politics - Real Life
Church standing in front of Sarge
CHURCH:Look, that's just the way I feel about it.
SARGE:Well I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
Black screen with words: Discussing Politics - Internet
A full fledged firefight
CHURCH:You deserve to DIE! Die, and go to hell and burn!
SARGE:Oh yeah!? Well I hope you get raped! Twice! Maybe then you'll feel different! Jerk!
GRIF:We don't need to find any weapons of mass destruction! We just need to want to find 'em. That's the way it works!
SIMMONS:I voted for Nader! I hate everyone!
DOC:Would you like to change your homepage to moveon.org?
DONUT:Politics makes me soooooo horny. Check out my webcam pic at presidentialsluts.com
Cut back to Church and Grif in their original pose
CHURCH:So just remember, the internet can be a very scary place if you're not prepared.
GRIF:How do you recommend they prepare?
CHURCH:I don't know. Try going to your local middle school chess club, hand out crystal meth and guns. That might be good practice.
GRIF:Thanks for watching, everybody. Now let's all go home and masturbate.
CHURCH:Grif...


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 39: The Best Laid Plans

Fades in on Tucker lying face down in the ground, with Donut standing over him
TUCKER:(lifeless moans)
DONUT:Come on mister blue guy, you gotta wake up. Wake up.
TUCKER:It hurts. Just let me die.
DONUT:You can't die, I'm bored! All these girls wanna talk about is chick stuff, and not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.
Cut to Tex and Sheila
TEX:I don't have treads, but I often find them staring at things they really shouldn't be.
Cut back to Donut and Tucker
DONUT:You see? Boring stuff like oppression, and a hostile work environment.
TUCKER:Get Doc, I need Doc.
DONUT:I can't. He got possessed by that evil guy and they escaped. He's the one that shot you. Don't you remember?
TUCKER:I know. I want him to shoot me again.
DONUT:Now now now, sounds like someone's got a case of the "poor me"s. If you were gonna die you would have done it by now! Maybe you just need to realise, you're gonna have to live with intense pain.
TUCKER:Get that Sarge guy, have him make me a new body.
DONUT:Huhg, we can't. We're out of parts because we overused that joke. And Sarge left with the others to chase Doc. But don't you worry, they left a long time ago, so I'm sure they'll be back any minute. Simmons had a fool-proof plan to catch him.
Cut to Simmons in one of many similar corridors of grey between red walls
SIMMONS:Hellooooo... Hello? Is anybody here? Just great. I guess we all got seperated in the teleporter.
radio sounds
SIMMONS:Sarge. This is Simmons 2.0, do you read me. Apparently your plan to chase Lopez and Doc has failed miserably. I appear to be stuck in some kind of nexus of teleporters, which could take me anywhere in the Universe... Or it's a janitor's closet, the hell I don't fucking know, Sarge, are you there, Sarge!
Cut to Sarge and Caboose standing in a stream
SARGE:Hello, anyone! Do you read me? Do I read you? Anyone? Anybody? Nobody? Okay. (sound of his radio turning off)
SARGE:(to Caboose) Well, I don't think the others are coming. They must have gotten separated somehow.
CABOOSE:My toes, are getting pruny.
SARGE:O...kay. Why don't we try to find O'Malley? (runs off)
CABOOSE:I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while, maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates. (runs off to follow Sarge)
SARGE:Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left. And the carpet. And the drapes. And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back. 'fyou know what I mean.
Sarge and Caboose come upon a fallen blue soldier outside a base
CABOOSE:Sargeant. Look! A sleeping person!
SARGE:What? Holy macaroon.
Sarge runs over and kneels by the fallen blue
SARGE:He's not sleeping son, he's dead.
CABOOSE:Oh good. At first, I thought that was me. Because, I am blue. And, I like to sleep. But, if he is dead that cannot be me. That would be silly.
SARGE:No doubt he was killed by our very enemy, once again I find myself torn. On the one hand, there's one less blue in the Universe. But now Doc's got a bigger body count than me! And that just won't do. No sir. Rest in peace... scumbag.
Caboose runs behind the base and sees many fallen blues and reds
CABOOSE:Look - more sleeping people! It must be nap time. But who has nap time now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times.
SARGE:What the Samuel Helsinki happened here? There must have been an enormous battle. Hello! Is anyone okay!? Are there any survivors? Preferably any red survivors? Don't let that discourage you from speaking up if you blue, I won't step on your neck or anything like that.
CABOOSE:Am I allowed to answer?
SARGE:Shh quiet. You hear that?
In the background, trumpet music starts getting louder
CABOOSE:Yes. That noise is called water. It is very wet, and very sloshy-
SARGE:I was talking about the trumpet, bluetard.
CABOOSE:I have to go to the bathroom now for some reason. Which is odd, because I already went when we were standing in the creek together.
SARGE:Wait a minute I know that song, that's Revelee. But why would someone be playing Revelee in the middle of a-
All of a sudden, every fallen soldier at once jumps up yelling and cheering
SARGE:Sweet jibbly jiblets!
CABOOSE:Running time!
The soldiers all run off, going around Sarge and Caboose to get back to their bases
SOLDIERS:Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut etc.
A BLUE SOLDIER:(jumping in to the blue base) and jump.
A RED SOLDIER:(running to the red base) Huay ho huay ho ho hey ho ha ya ho ya yo yuh!
The soldiers all run in to their bases, leaving Sarge and Caboose alone outside
SARGE:What just happened here.
CABOOSE:I think all the sleepy people were trying to ke-
SARGE:That was rhetorical.
A BLUE SOLDIER:(from inside) Yeah, go blue team!
BLUE SOLDIERS:(from inside, continuing to yell... see the bottom of the transcript for what they say)
SARGE:Get over here, give me a boost!
CABOOSE:Okay. (steps closer to Sarge) You are a good person, and people say nice things about you.
SARGE:Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window.
CABOOSE:That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.
SARGE:I know, I need you to help me look through it.
CABOOSE:I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is round, that window is square.
SARGE:Come here, you.
Sarge boosts Caboose up to look in the base
BLUE SOLDIER 1:I'm gonna kill me a red, and when I get him I'm gonna chop his guts
CABOOSE:Whoa.
SARGE:What do you see?
CABOOSE:I see... a room.
SARGE:And? What's in the room?
CABOOSE:There are some walls, and some ceilings. Wait- just one ceiling.
SARGE:What's making that racket?
THE BLUE SOLDIERS:Kill the reds, kill the reds, kill the reds, kill the reds, kill the reds!
CABOOSE:You are not going to like it.
Sarge lets Caboose down
SARGE:Caboose, I have a very bad feeling abou-
Trumpet music CHARGE plays
SARGE:What's that?
The blues emerge from their base firing on all cylinders, yelling CHARGE! and similar optimistic battle-cries. The reds do the same. A blatant firefight ensues
SARGE:Come on Caboose, we gotta get to higher ground!
They run off
A BLUE SOLDIER:Yeah I love reloading, I love to reload!
A RED SOLDIER:(smashing him in the back of the head) Oh, back of the head!
THE NEWLY FALLEN BLUE SOLDIER:D'oh, tell my girlfriend that I love her.
THE RED SOLDIER:She's my girlfriend now bitch!
SARGE:Come on Caboose! (they run up a convenient ladder)
THE SOLDIERS:(random shouts and jeers)
CABOOSE:Sarge... I am scared of our new friends.
SARGE:Hot Sonny Bono, what's going on here?
A red soldier emerges from the blue base with their flag
THE RED SOLDIER:Stop fighting, stop fighting everyone, stop fighting! (everyone stops shooting and looks at him) Everyone, everyone, look unto me! I possess the blue flag!
A RED SOLDIER:It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!
THE RED FLAG BEARER:I have seen the top of the mountain! And you will worship me as though I were a God!
The poor red dude is mobbed by four blues at once, WWE-style, and taken down
THE RED FLAG BEARER:I regret nothing! I lived as few men dare to dream!
The remaining soldiers look at each other, then back at him, then back at each other, and continue firing. A red guy gets a blue guy from behind with the butt of his gun
RED GUY:Hell yeah! (gets shot in the back of the head) Oh no!
THE BLUE SNIPER:Head shot! (gets shot in the feet by a rocket) Oh, you rocket-whore!
A BLUE GUY:Hey I got some, you want some? I got some for you! Come on you!
A RED GUY:The only good blue is a dead blue!
A DIFFERENT RED GUY:Christ this water's cold!
Cut to a red and a blue on either side of a rock alternating standing up firing and crouching so the other guy can fire. The blue guy is killed by a grenade from behind
RED GUY:Weak! You took my kill!
OTHER RED GUY:I didn't see you name on it! (gets shot by a camper from behind a rock) Oh you fucking camping bitch!
BLUE CAMPER:It's a legitimate strategy! (gets shot at rounding a rock) Whoa!
RED GUY:Damn! Hey blue, we're the only two left! Let's work together!
BLUE GUY:What do you mean?
RED GUY:I'm coming out!
BLUE GUY:Okay, I'm coming out too!
They meet in the stream
BLUE GUY:What did you mean we could work as a team?
The red guy smashes the blue guy in the face with his gun
RED GUY:I bash you in the head with my rifle and you die. Good teamwork you fucking n00b. Good game, good game everybody! GG man, GG. (takes a hit from nowhere in the back of the head and falls over)
SARGE:I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw, or what this place is, or where in the Hell O'Malley is! My only choice is to blame Grif, for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Grif.
CABOOSE:I am so confused. Where is Church? I need Church to tell me what to think. Church could handle this. He can handle anything!
Cut to Church and Grif in jail
CHURCH:Hey asshole, for the last time, LET ME OUTTA THIS GOD DAMN JAIL CELL!
GRIF:Yeah, let him out. He's driving me nuts!
CHURCH:Oh shut up, red, nobody asked you.
GRIF:I should have never listened to Donut's stupid fucking plan.
*** What the blues yammer on about (part 1) ***
BLUE SOLDIER 2:Kill red, kill red, kill red, kill red!
BLUE SOLDIER 3:So cool, this is so cool!
BLUE SOLDIER 1:This is our game, man, I guarantee I'm gonna kill all those guys!
BLUE SOLDIER 3:Get the get the flag, get the flag, get the flag. ; get the fucking flag!
BLUE SOLDIER 2:We must protect this house!
BLUE SOLDIERS:We must protect this house!
BLUE SOLDIER 4:We must protect this houuuuse!
BLUE SOLDIER 1:We must protect this house.
BLUE SOLDIER 4:This is our house.
*** What the blues yammer on about (part 2) ***
BLUE SOLDIER 2:...okay
BLUE SOLDIER 3:(laughs)
BLUE SOLDIER 1:That was too much, wasn't it. Alright, let's go baby we've got this one. This one's ours. You all ready?
BLUE SOLDIER 3:I'm ready!
BLUE SOLDIER 1:Are you ready?
BLUE SOLDIER 2:I'm ready!
BLUE SOLDIER 1:Are you ready?
BLUE SOLDIER 4:Let's do it!
BLUE SOLDIER 1:I'm not so ready! Let me get a pen, to get ready. Okay I'm ready let's go!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 40: Visiting Old Friends

Simmons is standing in front of one of the teleporters in his janitor closet
SIMMONS:Okay, let's see, if I wire this thing in to that... maybe I could signal boost on that thing there... I might just be able to get that to work.
View through the teleporter to Sarge and Caboose shooting
SARGE:Caboose, Caboose, keep them away from me! Get that one. And that one. No no, the one with the limp! Get 'im!
SIMMONS:Sarge, is that you?
CABOOSE:I don't want to kill... but... I don't want to die any more.
SIMMONS:Caboose, can you hear me!?
CABOOSE:Yes, I heard you Sargeant.
SARGE:I didn't say anything, numbnuts.
View is solidly in Battle Creek
SARGE:Caboose, we have to break this neverending cycle of attack and retaliation, either by A) convincing the two sides to live in peace, or B) by getting ourselves completely involved, and kicking some serious ass! I vote B.
CABOOSE:I have a plan Sargeant, but we will have to move quick. Listen:  whisper whisper whisper Do you think that will work?
SARGE:That's your plan? All you said was "whisper whisper whisper."
CABOOSE:I know. I just wanted to be the one with the plan for once.
SARGE:Hgggh, come on. I have an idea.
Black screen: "meanwhile, somewhere else in the galaxy" Fades in to a hallway
BROWN SOLDIER:This sucks man. I have to do everything around here. Go guard the wall, Phil. Go paint the jeep Phil. Go do everything Phil. This sucks.
White soldier drops behind Phil, and he turns around
PHIL:What was that? Nothin', just that stupid, sucky wind. Breaking a twig, coming up behind me and... breathing, real heavy. (turns around) What the?
WHITE SOLDIER:Hello, mate. (thick English accent)
White Soldier punches Phil in the face, knocking him out. Fade in a random amount of time later, Phil on his knees at gunpoint
PHIL:Oh man, this sucks, what's going on?
WHITE SOLDIER:Right, here's the way this works. I ask you a question, you tell me an answer. One question, one answer. I don't get the answer I like, we've got a problem. And if we've got a problem, you've got a problem. That clear?
PHIL:Okay, just don't hurt me! I'm a single parent.
WHITE SOLDIER:Splendid, that's the attitude old chap. Now, first question. Where are you hiding the plans?
White Soldier's cell phone starts ringing
WHITE SOLDIER:Mhm, ahem. Right. Where, are you hiding, th-... right. Need to get that, one second. (turns around and answers the phone) Hello? Yes, this is he speaking. ...Oh hello! Yes, right. Oh bugger. Spell that with a T or an F, do you? Thought you said something else. No, I'll get right on it.
PHIL:Getting bored...
WHITE SOLDIER:Right. Usual fee... He won't be a problem. No, I'll nip that one for you straight away. Right. Say hello to mum for me. Cheerio. (turns back around to Phil) Now, where were we. Ah yes. Looks like it's your lucky day, mate.
PHIL:Oh, thank God!
WHITE SOLDIER:Don't have time to torture you, so I'm just going to have to kill you.
PHIL:U- oh man this sucks!
Black screen, gunshot, fades back in to the Battle Creek reds in their base
A RED SOLDIER:Yeah, I'm gonna kill everybody!
ANOTHER RED SOLDIER:Get the flag, get the flag, get the flag. Get the fucking flag!
SOME OTHER RED SOLDIER:We must protect this house!
MANY RED SOLDIERS:We must protect this house!
YET ANOTHER RED SOLDIER:We must protect this house! This is our house!
A POIGNANT RED SOLDIER:Um, guys, look, where's our flag?
SOME RED SOLDIER:(sharp inhale)
ANOTHER RED SOLDIER:No.
SOME OTHER RED SOLDIER:The flag is gone?
A RED SOLDIER:What will we do?
THE RED SOLDIER WHO BRIEFLY HELD THE BLUE FLAG IN EPISODE 39 (THE RED ZEALOT):If the flag is gone, who will lead us? Who will inspire us with their shiny pole? Who will flag directions to us in battle? We are lost, and the world as we knew it is gone forever from our eyes, only to live in our memories as the days of salad and glory! Truly these are the end of times! Repent! Repent!
THE OTHER RED SOLDIERS:...
A RED SOLDIER:This sucks, I'm leaving.
SOME RED SOLDIER:Yeah...
The reds and blues run slowly from their bases, very uninspired
SOME BLUE SOLDIER:Yay. Great.
They meet in the middle, below Sarge and Caboose
SARGE:(holding the blue flag) Oh blue team... Look what I have.
CABOOSE:(holding the red flag) Oh blue team... Look what, wait, I messed up my line. Let's start over.
A RED SOLDIER:They have our flag!
A BLUE SOLDIER:No they don't, they have our flag!
SARGE:Listen you morons, you're gonna have to work for us now.
THE RED SOLDIER:What's in it for us?
SARGE:Help us get out of here, and we'll give you back your flags. Then you can go back to senselessly killing yourselves.
A RED SOLDIER:Deal. Ha, sucker!
A BLUE SOLDIER:Wait- why don't we just kill you guys and take the flags back?
A RED SOLDIER:Hmm. Yeah!
Sarge shoots the blue soldier
SOME RED SOLDIER:Oh, you got owned. I saw it, fucking owned!
THE BLUE SOLDIERS:Teams! Teams! Teams!
SOME RED SOLDIER:Shut up! Teams are fine!
THE RED SOLDIERS:Teams are fine! Teams are fine!
Reds and blues start firing at each other ...again
SARGE:Caboose... I give up.
CABOOSE:Wait. I can make them listen. I can beat them.
SARGE:Son, what are you talkin' about?
CABOOSE:O'Malley taught me how to be mean. (concentrating) I, just, have, to, concentrate, on, bad, things. Like, milk. No wait, red, Red, Bull.
SARGE:Son I think you've really lost it. O'Malley's not in your head any more, he infected the Doc!
CABOOSE:No, I can feel him. I just need to get angry, and say, mean, things! Like... uh... Your brain is a mountain of hatred!
SARGE:I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Grif... but here it is.
CABOOSE:Now. I, am, thinking, about... kittens! Guh, kit-tens, covered, in, spikes. That makes, me, angry!
Caboose jumps down from the cliff in to the battle, doing a dramatic gutteral yell on the way down that sounds, ironically, like when you grunt in the bathroom
CABOOSE:(in a voice remeniscent of O'Malley) My name, is Michael J. Caboose! And I, hate, babies.
THE RED ZEALOT:It's the beast! The anti-flag, come to live among us and rule us for seven years! The end is nigh!
Caboose punches him in the face, knocking him down
THE RED ZEALOT:Yeooigh!
A BLUE SOLDIER CABOOSE PUNCHES AND KNOCKS DOWN:Yikes!
A RED SOLDIER CABOOSE PUNCHES AND KNOCKS DOWN:Yowsah!
Caboose shoots down a red, then a blue, then a red
FIRST RED SOLDIER:OW!
THE BLUE SOLDIER:Wee!
SECOND RED SOLDIER:Wow!
SARGE:Great Gustavo, what's goin' on down there?
Simmons fades in in apparition form behind him
GHOSTLY SIMMONS:Sarge, Caboose can you hear me?
SARGE:Simmons 2.0?
GHOSTLY SIMMONS:I reconfigured the teleporter, to allow me to communicate with you. I need to get you guys outta there.
SARGE:Damn right we need to get outta here.
GHOSTLY SIMMONS:Get to your teleporter, and I'll see what I can do from here.
SARGE:Okay!
GHOSTLY SIMMONS:And, Sarge?
SARGE:Yeah?
GHOSTLY SIMMONS:It's really great to see you again.
SARGE:Oh kiss my ass some other time.
GHOSTLY SIMMONS:Whatever you say, Sir.
Sarge climbs down the ladder and runs for the base
SARGE:Come on, Caboose, before they wake up again!
CABOOSE:I will eat your unhappiness.
SARGE:(reaching the teleporter) Hurry up, Simmons.
Revelee starts playing in the background
SIMMONS:Just give me a few more seconds over here, Sarge.
SARGE:We don't have a few more seconds!
SIMMONS:Stop pressuring me! I rely on you for love and support!
CABOOSE:Your toast has been burned, and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts.
SARGE:Oh shut up, Caboose.
SIMMONS:Okay there, come through now!
SARGE:Come on, Caboose!
They run through the teleporter, and the camera conveniently follows
SIMMONS:Whoo. That was pretty close, huh?
SARGE:Simmons, you get an F in efficiency. But I have to give you an A+ in dramatic timing.
SIMMONS:Thank you Sir. I've always felt that presentation is what matters most.
CABOOSE:What happened? The last thing I remember was a very mean kitten. And then we were in this janitor's closet. And my throat hurts, a lot.
SIMMONS:What was that weird place, Sarge?
SARGE:Simmons, I have absolutely no idea.
Cut back to Battle Creek
THE RED ZEALOT:Well I guess it's back to basics, now! Get ready for destruction, blues! We're gonna kick your ass! We have become death! Destroyer of whe- oh wait, hold on. I gotta take out the trash.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 41: Let's Get Together

Fades in to O'Malley and Lopez standing on a base in a cold desolate-looking place
O'MALLEY:(evil laughter) Well, my metallic friend, your modifications are complete. And my plan is coming to frution. Frusi- Fru- Frutition. Fr-
LOPEZ:Fruition.
CAPTION: Fruition.
O'MALLEY:Oh shut up.
LOPEZ:Sí Maestro. Su plané es muy excelente.
CAPTION: Yes Master. Your plan is foolproof.
O'MALLEY:Now to bring together my enemies.
Cut to Vic's control panel, with the words 'OUT OF AREA' flashing in red
VIC:Oh dude, come on, you gotta be kidding me.
VIC'S ANSWERING MACHINE:Hey dude, it's Vic. No solo mia, not in the casa right now, so leave a message and I'll call you back. Just leave your what's up at the yo. ... ...yo.
O'MALLEY:Vic, pick up, it's me, (evil laughter).
VIC:Oh hey, Docter Baron von Evil Satan, what's up dude?
O'MALLEY:Don't screen my calls, Vic.
VIC:Dude, you don't come up on Caller ID I'm not just gonna answer anything-
O'MALLEY:Caller ID? I'm in hiding you baffoon! I'm trying to take over the Universe (evil laughter)!
DOC:We're also on the Do Not Call List.
O'MALLEY:Oh shut up.
VIC:So how's that plot going dude.
O'MALLEY:Magnificent (evil laughter)! I've called my bounty hunter in. He'll take care of your little 'red and blue' problem post-haste (evil ...you get the idea).
VIC:Oh cool! Thanks for turning that around so quick, dude.
O'MALLEY:(laugh continues) Ha.
VIC:I know you're swamped.
O'MALLEY:Then the Universe will be mine and I'll crush every living soul in to dust, haha! Except for you of course Vic. I'll make you Assistant Crusher.
VIC:Okay dude. Looking forward to that.
Cut to Sarge, Simmons and Caboose in their janitor closet
SIMMONS:And that brought you back here. So, theoretically one of these teleporters should transport us back to Blood Gulch, or anywhere else that we want to go. Do you understand?
CABOOSE:Yes. No. What does thermoretically mean?
SIMMONS:I probably could have saved a lot of time by telling you these things worked by magic.
CABOOSE:I thought you told the story well. I liked all the parts with me in them.
SARGE:Any idea which ones go where?
SIMMONS:Man um... not really. I found you two guys by accident. And I don't want to start using teleporters at random.
CABOOSE:We should definitely take the green one.
SIMMONS:Okay, be quiet now.
SARGE:We've gotta find a way to contact them.
VIC:(over the radio) Come in Sargeant Dude. Hello Sargeant Dude, are you there.
SARGE:Vic?
VIC:Got some big news for you dude.
Cut to Tex in Blood Gulch, talking with Tucker who is miraculously standing upright again. We'll tell Caboose it was magic
TEX:Bad news Tucker. I just picked up a feed. You've been tagged.
TUCKER:Tagged? That sounds bad. Unless it means something sexual, does it mean something sexual?
TEX:It means something bad.
TUCKER:Oh yeah like that's a surprise.
TEX:Someone's hired a freelancer to take you out. Do you have any idea why?
TUCKER:I can't say.
TEX:Keeping secrets? I find that attractive.
TUCKER:You do!?
TEX:In attractive people, yeah.
DONUT:Do you know who's after him?
TEX:This guy I know from training. Name's Wyoming.
TUCKER:(laughs) Finally a name dumber than Donut!
DONUT:Hey! ...Yeah, okay.
TEX:Everybody in the division was paired with an A.I., and codenamed for a State.
DONUT:What was your codename, Tex?
TEX:Nevada.
TUCKER:One for each State? So there's fifty of you.
TEX:Forty-nine, remember?
TUCKER:Oh, yeah, that's right. Man. Poor Florida.
They bow their heads in rememberance of Florida
TUCKER:Okay, anyway.
TEX:Well I'll make you a deal. I still owe you one. So if I take care of Wyoming, we're square. Deal?
TUCKER:You realise that you wanna protect me from a guy who's trying to kill me. What'm I gonna say, no?
TEX:I'll take that as a yes.
Cut back to the janitor closet
SARGE:Eureka's hammer, I've got it! I put a listening device in one of the suits of armor I built. We can use that to find out where they are.
SIMMONS:But which one, Sarge? Isn't one a huge bomb?
SARGE:Heheheh. Yeah, I wouldn't turn that on. Or maybe I should. That we we could follow the enormous explosion and huge plumes of smoke, directly to them. It'd be just like a homing device. But Indian style.
SIMMONS:I assume what you mean sir, is directly to the crater that they left.
SARGE:Though crudely delivered I see your point. Let's go with the listening device.
SIMMONS:Great idea Sir.
SARGE:Yes it was.
CABOOSE:Can I push the button to make it go? Please?
SARGE:(holding up the button) Okay Caboose, but just this once.
CABOOSE:Yay! Thanks.
Caboose hits the button
SARGE:(laughs) What a little rascal.
CABOOSE:(returning to Simmons' side) I pushed the button.
SIMMONS:Stay away from him, he's mine.
VOICE:Man, I hate this. This sucks.
CABOOSE:It's Church!
VOICE:I just wanna lay around and do nothing.
SARGE:I think it's Grif!
VOICE:Right after I take this nice, warm, bubble-bath.
SIMMONS AND  SARGE:Donut.
SIMMONS:(making for a teleporter) Let me see if I can lock on to that signal, Sarge. Okay got it, go ahead.
SARGE:Come in, Donut, come in. Donut, do you read me? Come in.
DONUT:Sarge, you gotta help me! You left me with one blue, but now there are three!
SARGE:Vic was right, it was a trap all along! Listen, Donut. Vic told me all about the blue plot. That fella Tucker is gonna make up things, craaazy things about Red and Blue. You can't listen to him, you just can't!
DONUT:Sarge, what should I do?
SARGE:Don't let him catch on that you know. Just act like you normally do- wait, not like you, act like someone more brave. 'N' smarter. 'N' more masculine, for God's sake.
DONUT:Okey-dokey Sarge.
SARGE:He's a dead man, Simmons.
SIMMONS:It's okay Sir, I thought that you two were getting too close anyway, and that's not good for the chain of command.
SARGE:Try to open a teleporter to them. I'll see if I can locate the other armor.
Caboose raises up the button for Church's armor
CABOOSE:Yeah! More button pushing!
SIMMONS:Caboose don't touch that!
CABOOSE:This is the button to find Church! (presses the button)
SARGE:Uh oh. That's not gonna be good.
SIMMONS:Did he just do what I think he did?
CABOOSE:Church is going to be so happy with me!
Cut to Church and Grif in jail
CHURCH:(impressive belch)
GRIF:Nice. I bet I can beat it.
Church's stomach starts ticking metallically
CHURCH:Uhgow, I wonder what caused that.
GRIF:Hey Church, do you know your stomach is ticking?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 42: You're the Bomb, Yo

Ticking in the background as it fades in on Grif and Church
GRIF:Guys I'm a red too, I'm a red! I don't even know this guy! Come on, let me out.
CHURCH:Thanks for the support, Grif. Way to be a team player.
GRIF:Hey, I gotta think about myself here.
CHURCH:There's no "I" in team, Grif.
GRIF:Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team, and you're not on the team, nobody's on the God damn team. The team sucks!
CHURCH:What I can't figure out is why the reds are still here. Tex already wiped out all the blues. Why wouldn't they just pull out?
GRIF:As someone who's taken orders from Red Command for the last three years, trust me, it's not that surprising.
Cut to Sarge, Caboose and Simmons in the janitor closet
SIMMONS:Okay, we traced the bomb activation signal to Sidewinder. How much time do we have left Sarge?
DONUT:(through staticky radio) Everyone here is set to transport.
TUCKER:(through staticky radio) I'm not going through that thing. I'm serious.
SARGE:We need to get there as soon as possible. Did you set their teleporter to take them straight to Sidewinder?
SIMMONS:I walked Donut through it. He says he did everything right, but I figure they have a fifty/fifty chance of ending up in Sidewinder, or in the middle of deep space.
SARGE:What about us?
SIMMONS:I programmed ours myself. We're fine.
SARGE:I find the risks acceptable.
DONUT:I never knew a Phillips screwdriver was the X one. Do you think it's named after a guy named Phillip? That guy Phillip must have a fucked-up-shaped head!
TUCKER:Yeah. Screw this, I'm walking.
SARGE:Alright, then saddle up! Don't worry Grif and Church, here comes the cavalry! Hyaaaaa!
Sarge runs through a teleporter, and emerges from another behind Caboose
SARGE:Hyaaaaa- oh!
SIMMONS:Uh sir? The teleporter I reprogrammed is over there.
SARGE:Oh well, heads up evil-doers; here we come to save the diya-ah forget it, let's just go.
Cut to Grif, singing poorly and totally out of tune
GRIF:Nobody knows, the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows but Jesus.
CHURCH:Will you shut up?
GRIF:You just can't face the fact that I've adjusted to life on the inside! I'm hard now!
CHURCH:Please, give me a break.
GRIF:As the prison bitch, I would not expect you to understand.
Cut to a firefight down a hall somewhere
CHURCH:What's going on out there?
GRIF:Oh man, maybe our crew's come to bust us out of the joint. I don't know if I can live on the outside though any more Church. I'm all institutionalized and shit.
CHURCH:I don't know. Sounds like whoever's fighting them is winning. That can't possibly be our guys.
GRIF:(to a salmon-colored guard) Hey screw, aren't you gonna go help your buddies? Oink oink?
Screw runs around a corner and gets punched out. Church and Grif listen to the sound of invisible approaching footsteps
WYOMING:(decloaking outside the bars of the cell) Hello Church.
CHURCH:Wyoming? What're you doing here?
WYOMING:Been hired to do a job with your little friend Tucker. Seems he's discovered some information that someone else isn't happy about.
GRIF:Who's this kracker?
CHURCH:Naw, he's just some scumbag bounty hunter that was in the same division as Tex.
WYOMING:Ah yes, dear Tex. After I take care of your little friend Tucker, I'll be taking care of her as well.
CHURCH:When I get out of here, -
WYOMING:But you won't. Everyone here is dead now. Noone even knows where you are. So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death. Hu-huh. Cheerio.
Wyoming goes invisible and runs off
CHURCH:We gotta find a way to escape, Grif.
GRIF:If only we had bedsheets.
CHURCH:There's no window. What good is tieing together bedsheets gonna do us?
GRIF:Who said anything about tieing them together? I wanna take a nap. If I have to die of hunger, I wanna do it in my sleep.
Cut to Donut, Tucker and Tex on the red base, and Sheila below, looking up at them
SHEILA:Good luck everyone, take care. I packed you all lunches for the trip.
TUCKER:Thanks Sheila, that was really nice of you.
DONUT:Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid.
SHEILA:Make sure to wash your exhaust pipes every day.
Tex runs through the teleporter, then Donut
TUCKER:Bye Sheila, we'll come back for you soon.
SHEILA:I'll be waiting.
Cut to Sarge, Simmons and Caboose standing around a teleporter receptacle
SIMMONS:Okay, here they come.
Tex emerges and runs off, then Donut emerges
DONUT:Yeahah, I knew I could fix a teleporter. I guess these hands aren't just for manicuring after all. Yeahuh.
Tucker emerges, covered in black stuff
TUCKER:OW, crap!
SIMMONS:What's all that black stuff on your armor?
TUCKER:Just me? What the fuck?
CABOOSE:Tucker, I am so glad to see you. Here. Let me help you clean your armor off, by rubbing you all over.
Tucker and Caboose run off
DONUT:Ooh ooh, let me help!
CABOOSE:Absolutely, Admiral Buttercrust.
Cut to Wyoming looking at those three through a sniper rifle
WYOMING:Hmm, I don't see him. Perhaps they've disguised him somehow. Well played.
Cut to Tex looking at him
TEX:Gotcha.
Cut to Simmons and Sarge
SIMMONS:So what's the plan, Sarge?
SARGE:First, we need to locate Church and get that bomb defused. Then we can find Lopez, download our plans, and get back to fighting the blues.
SIMMONS:And find Grif.
SARGE:What?
SIMMONS:And we also need to find Grif. Right sir?
SARGE:Well, not every plan is perfect, so I suppose we could accidentally find Grif along the way.
Cut to Grif and the still-ticking Church in their cell
CHURCH:Okay Grif, I've been putting something off that I can do to help us escape, but, I gotta warn you, it might scare you a little bit.
GRIF:You want scary, you should try showering in cell block C. Those guys are animals.
CHURCH:Alright.
The bars start rising
CHURCH:Here goes.
GRIF:You opened the doors? That wasn't scary at all.
CHURCH:What? I didn't do that. Somebody on the outside must have done it. Alright, let's go.
They run off
GRIF:Freedom, it smells so sweet! Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home.
Cut to Caboose, the clean Tucker and Donut
CABOOSE:There, you are all clean.
TUCKER:Thanks, but you didn't need to spend so much time on the codpiece, Donut.
DONUT:A three-coat waxing is just my way of saying I care.
Cut to Wyoming looking through his sniper rifle at the newly cleaned Tucker
WYOMING:Well, there we are, mate.
TEX:(aiming at Wyoming from close range) Hello Wyoming. Why don't you stop pointing that gun at my friend.
WYOMING:Allison, good to see you. How's our good friend Omega?
TEX:You tell me. He hired you, didn't he?
WYOMING:Now how did you know that.
TEX:When someone lives in your head for a few years, you get to know him. Where is he.
WYOMING:Oh, he'll be along shortly.
O'Malley cocks a shotgun behind Tex
WYOMING:Very shortly.
TEX:Oh crap.
O'MALLEY:(evil laughter) Only now do you realize the folley of your idle chit-chat! Evil wins! Hahaha! Good sucks an egg.
DOC:I'm really sorry about this sir- I mean ma'am- I mean miss!
O'MALLEY:Oh shut up.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 43: Make Your Time

Fade in on Doc (O'Malley) standing on an icy precipice
O'MALLEY:Hahahahahahahahaha. You fools have fallen right in to my hands. Only now, do you realise the folly of your follies, hahaha. Prepare for an oblivion, for which there is no preparation! (evil laugh)
SIMMONS:O'Malley! The Reds and Blues are working together now! You can't hope to beat us.
O'MALLEY:You fool! My metallic friend is the only ally I need. Lopez, activate weather control routines.
LOPEZ:Okay.
Lightning shoots out of Lopez, and he becomes surrounded in what look like spinning mystic runes
SIMMONS:Are those runic symbols a sign of some ancient technology?
DOC:No, I used to draw them on my binder during study hall. I always wanted to use them for something. Aren't they cool?
O'MALLEY:Shut up!
SARGE:Oh, Sampson's back hair. They found our secret weapon. I developed a weather control device, but I was missing one critical piece of technology to make it work.
O'MALLEY:Hahaha yes. And now that I've located those "D" batteries, the Universe will be mine! Hahahahaha!
TUCKER:Are you serious? You couldn't find D batteries.
SARGE:Only at gas stations, and they're just so darn expensive there.
Church runs up to everyone, still ticking
CHURCH:What's going on?
SARGE:You want the long version or the short? Basically you've got a fifty megaton bomb in your gut-
SIMMONS:Ten sir.
SARGE:And Lopez is about to kill us all.
Grif is running up behind Church
CHURCH:That didn't make any sense, what's the long version?
TUCKER:That was the long version. The short version is "we're boned."
SIMMONS:Hey Grif, are you okay?
GRIF:I've done hard time, Simmons. I'm not the man you used to know.
SIMMONS:Hard time? We were only separated for five hours.
GRIF:Time moves slower on the inside, Simmons. It seemed like seven or eight hours to me.
O'Malley fires a rocket overhead that lands behind them. They scatter
O'MALLEY:You foolish fools will never defeat me! You're far too busy being foolish! Ha! Oblivion is at hand!
SIMMONS:Sarge. I have an idea, but I need you to distract him.
SARGE:Will do! (turns to Grif, who's hiding behind the rock with him... again) Grif? I've never believed in you. Not even for a moment. But now, is your chance to prove yourself. To me.
GRIF:What can I do, Sarge?
SARGE:I need you to run right at O'Malley.
GRIF:And shank him with my shiv?
SARGE:No. When he blows you up with the rocket, try to see if you can get your dismembered limbs and guts to clog the barrels of his rocket launcher.
GRIF:You're kidding.
SARGE:It's a remote chance, I know. But it's worth a shot.
O'MALLEY:(running up to their cozy little rock) Ahhhhblivion is at hand! (evil laugh)
DOC:Cover your ears, guys. This thing is really loud.
GRIF:This is it!
SIMMONS:Not so fast, O'Malley! Maybe we can't stop you, but I know who can!
A teleporter portal randomly appears in the middle of the ground, and the Battle Creek soldiers come pouring out of it
A BLUE SOLDIER:Alright, new level, yeah!
BLUE SOLDIERS AND  RED SOLDIERS:Whoohoo!
SIMMONS:Hey guys, you want your flag?
The Battle Creek soldiers all look at Simmons
SIMMONS:He's the one that has it!
THE RED ZEALOT:The crusade has begun! Our hour of glory is now at hand! Let all who would stand against us be washed in our divine light!
The Battle Creek soldiers start attacking the hell out of O'Malley
O'MALLEY:Get away from me! No! Get out, no! Dow!
SIMMONS:We need to disarm Church's bomb, Sarge.
SARGE:Right.
CHURCH:(getting hit by lightning from Lopez) Yow, whoohoohoo!
SARGE:Hold still, son, this'll just take a second. (kneels in front of Church)
CHURCH:Don't you ever install anything above the waist?
SARGE:Oh no! That last lightning bolt fused the detonator! There's no way to turn this thing off.
SIMMONS:Can you do it manually?
SARGE:Impossible. I specifically designed it so that I wouldn't be able to defuse it.
GRIF:Why?
SARGE:In case I fell in to the wrong hands, and was brainwashed to help the blues.
SIMMONS:Nice thinking, sir.
GRIF:You had to get just one last asskiss in before we die, didn't you.
Cut to the Battle Creek soldiers humping the fallen O'Malley
O'MALLEY:No nup- that's disgusting, what're you doing?
BLUE SOLDIER:Let me try, let me try.
RED SOLDIER:Heh heh heh.
ANOTHER RED SOLDIER:Take that dude!
O'MALLEY:I'm being violated!
TUCKER:(pulling out a rocket launcher) Church, there's only one thing I can do.
CHURCH:Hehey, what the hell?
SIMMONS:There's only twenty seconds left!
TUCKER:If I blow you up before the bomb goes off, there's at least a small chance the rest of us will live.
CHURCH:But the rocket'll kill me.
SIMMONS:Ten seconds.
GRIF:You're gonna die anyway when the bomb goes off!
CHURCH:What can I tell ya pal, misery loves company.
SIMMONS:Five seconds!
TUCKER:Sorry Church.
CHURCH:Man this blows, you guys suck.
The rocket launcher is shot right out of Tucker's hands
TUCKER:What the hell!?
Cut to Wyoming on an icy peak
WYOMING:Sorry Private Tucker, but I always get my man. Say good bye mate.
SIMMONS:Uh guys, I hate to interrupt, but... zero seconds.
TUCKER:Whuh oh.
CHURCH:What? Oh, son of a-
Cut to the ringworld halo exploding in a huge white blast that shoots all the way across space. The screen goes white, and a loud ringing beep is audible, shortly to be replaced by a warbling sound as it fades in to a black and white spiral sort of pattern, with the reds and the blues sans Church floating in front of it
SIMMONS:What the...
SARGE:The bomb must have gone off.
GRIF:Where are we? Are we dead?
CABOOSE:I don't want to be dead! I want to be alive, or, a cowboy.
DONUT:Dead, oh man. Tomorrow was all you can eat day at the chow hall. And I wanted to eat all that I could.
The spiral pattern is replaced with a stars pattern, still rotating
SARGE:We're not dead, idiots. We're stuck in some kind of temporal... whoa no! Heads up boys, prepare for impact!
Screen goes white, then fades in to a shot of the sky with a different targetting reticle
TUCKER:Gnnmnaugh, what happened?
Donut emerges in shiny new pink armor that looks different than before
YOU:OMFG ITS HALO2 WTF LOL H4X0R ROFL!!!!11!!!eleven
I know, shut up
DONUT:Hey, he's awake!
GRIF:I still wanna know why I don't get a laser gun.
SIMMONS:Shut up, dumbass.
DONUT:Guys, Tucker's awake.
SIMMONS:Huh? Hey hey hey, take it easy Tucker, you've been out a while.
GRIF:And I thought I was lazy.
TUCKER:What's going on? Who are you people?
DONUT:He has amnesia! Tucker. Don't worry. You are safe. We're the reds, we are your mortal enemies. Wait. That didn't sound right.
CABOOSE:Tucker! Tucker! I am so glad you are alive.
TUCKER:Caboose? Still so dumb, but you look so different.
CABOOSE:We're in the future! Things are very shiny here.
TUCKER:The future? Oh I can't fucking wait to hear this one.
SARGE:Obviously Lopez's weather matrix combined with the power of bomb 21 combined to create an explosion so large, it caused a temporal rift in time, that cascaded throughout the blo-
TUCKER:Whoa whoa wait a second, wait a second. I don't understand.
DONUT:Sarge! Can we do the skit now?
CABOOSE:Yeah!
SIMMONS:Yes.
GRIF:I don't wanna do that dumb skit.
SARGE:Fine. But only because I wanna see Grif be miserable. I miss the old days.
DONUT:Great! Places everyone!
Everyone scatters off screen
DONUT:(clears throat) The Red vs Blue players present, a Franklin Donut play. Written and directed by Franklin Donut. In association with Light Red Danish Productions.
SARGE:Can we just start?
Cut to a red curtain on the left, and a blue curtain on the right, that both peel away as if for the theatre
DONUT:And, action!
SIMMONS:Hello weary traveler, we represent the timeline.
SARGE:I am the past, where things cost less, and people knew the value of a hard day's work. But they only lived to be twenty-eight years old.
SIMMONS:And I am the future, where people have no morals and no emotions but we have a bunch of kickass gadgets.
GRIF:And I'm the present, which sucks. We have nothing cool, and also no morals.
DONUT:And I am the helpful narrator. A faceless voice used by poor writers.
TUCKER:You have a face... I think.
DONUT:Shut up, audience. You're ruining my play. Everything was fine in the timeline, until one day, in the present...
GRIF:Why does bad stuff always happen in the present?
DONUT:Because that's when people do stuff.
SARGE:Ah, quit yer bitching. I have attrocities and a crapload of wars seemed very important at the time, but now seem trivial and stupid.
SIMMONS:Yeah and I've got apocalypse. That's way worse than anything you two dipshits have.
Sarge looks at Simmons
SIMMONS:Sorry Sir, that "dipshit" was in character.
SARGE:Oh. Well, bravo Simmons.
DONUT:One day, in the present, a terrible thing happened.
CABOOSE:Enter Stage Left. Hello, I am stupid Private Tucker. I am going to set off a big bomb now, and totally mess things up for everyone. Because I am stupid. Turns around. Hello, present. I'm going to set off a bomb in you.
GRIF:Don't do that, stupid Private Tucker. That might kill me.
CABOOSE:Thinks about this, for a moment.
DONUT:Caboose, stop reading your stage directions.
CABOOSE:You told me I was supposed to read anything with my name in front of it.
DONUT:Just the lines, not the blocking. You're ruining my big debut!
CABOOSE:I do not think we are meshing, artistically. I think you should talk to my agent.
GRIF:This is stupid, I quit.
DONUT:You can't quit! End scene! This has been a Franklin Donut joint.
SARGE:Listen, son. You and your buddy Church set off a bomb, which when combined with the weather machinery in Lopez, made an explosion so large it destroyed the present.
TUCKER:Destroyed the present, then where are we?
SIMMONS:We're in the future, numbnuts.
TUCKER:Aren't we in the present right now? Aren't we always in the present?
SIMMONS:Unbelievable, he can't cope with the loss. He's in denial.
GRIF:That is so sad.
SARGE:Son, you're just not listenin'. The present has been destroyed. It no longer exists. We are in the future.
TUCKER:Ah-ho, it makes no sense!
DONUT:I'm currently working on a short film to explain it. Tom Cruise has the script, and I hear he's veeery interested.
TUCKER:You're telling me a bomb sent us in to the future.
SIMMONS:Yeah, you see luckily Church was facing forward when the bomb went off, and we were standing in front of him? So that sent us forward in to the future.
TUCKER:Of course he was facing forward. What other way can people face?
SIMMONS:You see? That's what I meant by luckily.
TUCKER:What happened to Church?
SARGE:Hmm. Never really thought about him.
SIMMONS:Yeah, weird, I- I guess he's dead.
SARGE:Sounds good to me, let's go with that.
TUCKER:He could be hurt, and trapped in the present.
SARGE:That's impossible, son. The present doesn't exist any more. What you're proposing just isn't very good science.
TUCKER:Don't you see? If Church was facing forward during the explosion, and that blew us in to the future, that could mean that he was blown backward in to the... oh no!
SARGE:Backwards in to what? A wall? A broom closet?
GRIF:A big rock?
CABOOSE:Another big rock!
TUCKER:No! In to the past!
Cut to Church, in all his sixteen-color goodness
CHURCH:What the hell? Where the hell am I?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 44: We Must Rebuild

Fade in and pan down to Grif and Simmons and Tucker
GRIF:They destroyed it all, Simmons, those damn stupid bastards. They blew it all up! Damn them! Damn them to Hell! Those damn dirty apes!
SIMMONS:Calm down Grif, we don't know that the whole world is like this.
GRIF:Yes it is, they destroyed it all. I guess the society of men just wasn't meant to survive.
SIMMONS:Hey how 'bout this: how 'bout we explore, more than two square miles, before we jump to any conclusions.
GRIF:It was definitely nuclear weapons, that's what did it. And the explosions caused massive power outages which caused the failsafe to fail, which released a super bacteria from a secret lab.
SIMMONS:Oh come on.
GRIF:That caused a huge plague, and as the victims died, they rose from the dead twelve hours later to roam the Earth and feast on human flesh.
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:A handful of gritty survivors from all walks of life were able to keep the legions of the infected radioactive undead at bay, using only their wits, and an inexplicable comprehension of agricultural science and engineering. Everything was looking good... and that's when the meteor hit.
SIMMONS:I think you just quoted every crappy Hollywood apocalypse movie ever.
TUCKER:Naw. Hollywood doesn't understand apocalypse. They think that just one thing from everyday life goes away and that changes everything. Like in Road Warrior it was gas, and in Waterworld it was land.
SIMMONS:What went away in The Matrix?
TUCKER:Sunlight.
GRIF:I thought the missing element was plot.
TUCKER:I'm talkin about Matrix One.
SIMMONS:Oh right.
GRIF:Face it Simmons, the age of man is done.
SIMMONS:If all that happened, then were are the zombies? Why aren't they still around?
GRIF:The meteor killed them!
SIMMONS:And what about the super bacteria?
GRIF:It was infected by alien bacteria brought by the meteor, and was wiped out in a massive bacteria on bacteria plague. Very ironic.
SIMMONS:Okay, then why haven't we been infected by the new alien bacteria?
GRIF:It only infects other bacteria. Are you even listening to me?
TUCKER:Do you guys ever get anything done, or you do you just stand around and talk all day?
GRIF:We don't get paid enough to do stuff.
TUCKER:But what about Church, idiot? How're we gonna get him from the past to the future?
GRIF:I guess he can just wait. That's how it usually works.
TUCKER:But when he gets to the present, he'll just be destroyed like everything else.
SIMMONS:Well, he'll just have to fix it on his own then.
GRIF:And if he's successful, he'll get to live through the coolest apocalypse of all time!
SARGE:Simmons, Grif, get yer keesters over here.
Cut to Donut and Caboose standing next to what seems at first glance to be a jeep, but could really be anything in the future day and age
CABOOSE:Look what I found.
DONUT:I found it!
CABOOSE:Look at what I took credit for finding.
SARGE:A-mazing that these two actually accomplished something.
GRIF:It looks like some kind of an alien transport mechanism that could be used to-
SIMMONS:Or, it's a jeep.
GRIF:You have no imagination.
SARGE:Hmmm, let me see if I can get this thing working.
SIMMONS:How? There's no parts. And what're you gonna use for fuel?
SARGE:Grif was right, Simmons. You don't have any imagination.
GRIF:Thank you sir.
SARGE:Shut up, scumbag, we're not having a moment.
TUCKER:Hey. We need to find Church.
SARGE:He's dead, son. Why haven't you given up hope yet and just moved on.
TUCKER:It's only been a couple of hours!
SARGE:Well this should make you feel better. When his body blasted in to smithereens, at least he took all our enemies with him.
Cut to a beach, with a sign saying "Danger: No Swimming" with a picture of a shark on it
LOPEZ:Peligro. Error. Error.
CAPTION: Warning. Error. Error.
LOPEZ:Peligro. Error. Error.
CAPTION: Warning. Error. Error.
LOPEZ:No puedo tocar mi cuerpo. (as if winding down)
CAPTION: I cannot feel  my  body...
O'MALLEY:(evil laugh) Don't worry, my metallic friend. You'll be up and about in no time. Muhahahaha. Muhhh-hahaha-heh. U-ha! Haw. Ha-ha. Uhngh. (cough) Hah!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 45: New Toys

Fade in to a miscellaneous shot of wherever the Reds, Caboose and Tucker are
SARGE:Donut, hold the light right there. No, not on me, on that. Why would I need the light, on my face?
Cut to Sarge and Donut lying under the jeep, mechanic-style
DONUT:Hey Sarge, what's that metal thing that looks like a bunny!? Ooh, ooh, and what's that other metal thing that looks like a soup can?
SARGE:Don't touch anything, Donut. Okay fellas, I think I've got it. Give her a crank. ...Guys? ...Hey, what in tarnation are you knuckleheads doing up there?
Cut to Simmons and Tucker
SIMMONS:No, I don't think getting new rims for the jeep's a good idea.
GRIF:(in the driver seat of the jeep) Oh come on! If we all kick in, we can get some spinners, some kickass subs, hydraulics!
TUCKER:I'm in.
SIMMONS:Why?
GRIF:Uh, for style?
TUCKER:For chicks!
SIMMONS:What chicks, there's noone for miles. We don't even know if anyone's still alive.
GRIF:What, suddenly you're a pessimist?
TUCKER:Yeah, but if we do find some women, we will literally be the last men on Earth for them.
GRIF:He's right.
TUCKER:All my life I've had girls tell me, "not if you were the last man on Earth," haha. Well that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on Earth with a sweetass pimped out ride, bitch.
SARGE:(standing up) If you ladies are through gossipping, I could use some help fixing our vehicle.
GRIF:Oh yeah, right, here let me try.
Sounds of the jeep starting up, then it moves a foot or two and grinds to a stop
SARGE:Wait!
DONUT:(still under the jeep) Ya-ya-yaaaoouwwwww!
SARGE:Donut, are you okay?
DONUT:I was just, petting, the bunny. And then it went in to the soup can... and part of my hand went with it.
SARGE:(lying back down) Gehrururur...
TUCKER:Bunny and hand soup, just like Mom used to make.
SARGE:Donut, I told you not to touch anything. You touched everything! That's the exact opposite of touching nothing!
Simmons hops up in the passenger seat of the jeep
GRIF:Hey, what're you doing?
SIMMONS:What does it look like I'm doing, I'm getting in the jeep.
GRIF:What're we, on a date? Get in the back.
SIMMONS:Oh you're so insecure.
SARGE:(standing back up) Will you two shut up? We need to get this thing fixed.
DONUT:I feel dizzy, Sarge...
SARGE:Oh, that's just blood loss. You'll make new blood, you just need some orange juice.
TUCKER:What's the rush on getting this thing fixed, anyway?
SARGE:Listen dirtbag, I know on Blue Team you like to lollygag a bit-
TUCKER:There is no Blue Team. It's all a lie. Red and blue are the same.
GRIF:Aw, don't start that crap again.
SIMMONS:You sound like a conspiracy nut when you talk about that stuff. The government put a chip in my brain.
GRIF:The President can hear my thoughts.
DONUT:We never landed on the sun. (sharp inhale) They put fluoride in my water!
SIMMONS:Actually, that one's true.
GRIF:It is? No wonder I listen to so much pop music.
SARGE:We're fixing the jeep because we need to be prepared. Just as our enemies are no doubt preparing to attack us at this very moment.
TUCKER:But you guys think I'm your enemy, and I'm not preparing to do anything. 'Cept get L-A-I-D.
SIMMONS:...
GRIF:...
TUCKER:Laid.
GRIF:Yeah, we can spell. We just think that was fucking weak.
Cut to Doc O'Malley and Lopez's head in some sort of base
O'MALLEY:(maniacal laughter) Yes, this place will do nicely for an evil lair. It's diabolically designed!
DOC:As a student of feng-shui, I can tell you this house is 88% good luck. Also, very breezy. I like the floorplan.
O'MALLEY:Quiet you fool.
LOPEZ:Nomás quiero un cuarto solo para mí.
CAPTION: I just want my own room.
LOPEZ:No me gusto compartir con el vacío.
CAPTION: I hate sharing with the vacuum.
O'MALLEY:Hello? Is anyone home? Don't be alarmed, we're only here to kill you and take all your possessions. Excellent! No doubt our very presence, has scared everyone away! (evil laugh)
DOC:Why don't we just see if this place is listed by a licensed real estate agent?
O'MALLEY:Oh shut up!
DOC:But we don't even know if it's been inspected recently. It could need foundation work.
LOPEZ:Podría tener el molde.
CAPTION: It could have mold.
O'MALLEY:Both of you shut up. We're moving in and that's final. It has machine gun turrets, two living quarters with ample closet space, and a short commute to my secret laboratory! ...It's perfect.
DOC:Yeah, but what about the school district?
LOPEZ:No tenemos ningún niños.
CAPTION: We have no children.
DOC:It's important to think about resale value, Lopez.
O'MALLEY:Resale value? Our plan is to rule the world! Not make prudent investments.
LOPEZ:Es importante tener un plan del retraso.
CAPTION: It's important to have a fallback plan.
O'MALLEY:Oh shut up. We're moving in, that's final.
DOC:Hey look, a computer! Now I can finally update my blog.
LOPEZ:Tenes un weblog?
CAPTION: You have a blog?
DOC:Yeahah, it's great. It's just like being a real journalist, but without all the hassle of like liability and accuracy.
O'MALLEY:No, I need that computer for compiling evil formulas. And to rebuild the weather machine. Also to download music. (evil laugh)
LOPEZ:¿Quien quiere un postal de googlé invita?
CAPTION: Does anyone want a g-mail invite?
DOC:Ooh, I do!
LOPEZ:Tengo cuarenta mil a dar. Es muy exclusivo.
CAPTION: I only have 40,000. It's very exclusive.
O'MALLEY:Where's the mouse thingy?
DOC:It has one of those red rubber dot thingies on the keyboard. That's way better than a mouse. I call it a nubben. Who wants to touch my nubben?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
The Greatest Episode Ever



Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 46: We're Being Watched

Fade in on Doc/O'Malley/whoever behind a turret
O'MALLEY:Yeeees, this place is coming along nicely. Excellent work repairing the turrets, Lopez.
LOPEZ:Gracias. El trabajar manual me encanta.
CAPTION: Thank you. I find manual labor stimulating.
DOC:I still say a flowerbox would have been a bit more neighborly.
O'MALLEY:Oh shut up you fool!
DOC:Hey, we should start a neighborhood association. It's just like a government, but run by housewives and old people. So it's a lot more efficient at controlling your lives.
O'MALLEY:Shut up, get out of my head!
DOC:Technically it's my head. But I don't mind sharing. Don't you remember that talk we had about sharing?
O'MALLEY:Shut up!
Cut to a strange red soldier running toward ...something
RED ZEALOT:At last! My pilgrimage is over! I have reached the promised land!
O'MALLEY:(running to the ledge, through the fan) Who is that. Oh no. Not this buffoon! How did he get here?
LOPEZ:Él estaba cerca de la bomba, cuando quemó.
CAPTION: He probably was blown nearby by the bomb.
O'MALLEY:Hellooooo. What do you want?
RED ZEALOT:The disembodied voice of God! (kneels) I hear you Holy One! I have made it to the temple and await your command!
O'MALLEY:Up here- Helloooo. Red Moron. Eyes up, chop-chop!
RED ZEALOT:Oh. Greetings! Are you the gatekeeper of the temple?
DOC:Us? No, we just moved in. Can you help us move a couch? And do you know any good restaurants nearby?
O'MALLEY:Just a second. (To Doc) Listen you foool, let me handle this.
DOC:I don't know, you haven't been the best choice when it comes to making friends. Maybe I should try.
O'MALLEY:Nonsense! With the proper handling, this fellow will make an excellent stooge. And I'm the one here with the most experience training Stooges. Isn't that right, Lopez...
LOPEZ:Nyuk, nyuk.
CAPTION: Nyuk, nyuk.
O'MALLEY:You see!?
DOC:Okay, you can handle this, but I get to hang my motivational posters in the living room. Hang in there kitty!
O'MALLEY:Fine. But I'm telling you that cat will never make it to Friday. (To courtyard) Yes, I am the guardian of the temple. What do you want?
RED ZEALOT:I have travelled great distances, in search of enlightenment!
O'MALLEY:Reaaally, that's perfect. We have tons of that in here, but listen. We just can't let anyone in who wants to get in, so goodbye.
RED ZEALOT:Wait! I will do anything. Just tell me what I need to do to gain entrance.
DOC:Psst, ask him what he knows about gardening.
LOPEZ:Pregúnteles si él desea sus hombros.
CAPTION: Ask him if we can have his shoulders.
DOC:Maybe he knows how to use that computer we found.
The gate opens, in a very bizarre, unnecessarily cinematic graphical sequence
O'MALLEY:Alright then come on in. We'll think of something, (evil laughter) (more evil laughter) (even more evil laughter) (still more evil laughter)
LOPEZ:En túnel es abajo. Usted va a soplaro.
CAPTION: Tone it down. You're going to blow it.
O'MALLEY:(yet again, more evil laughter)
LOPEZ:Ese es demasiado.
CAPTION: OK, now that's just too much.
In the distance, someone hides behind a pillar
O'MALLEY:What was that? (turning away slowly) Hmm... (turning back quickly) Aha! Heh? (turning away) Hmm, a-ha! ...Minding my own business, slowly walking away and HAA, I got you! (turns around). ...Oh forget it.
Cut to Simmons and Grif walking by a convenient skull
SARGE:Grif, Simmons, where've you two been?
SIMMONS:Our patrol didn't go exactly as planned, Sarge.
SARGE:Did you find something? Wait a minute, where's the jeep?
GRIF:Yeeaah, it's like this.
SARGE:Grif... I just built that jeep, I don't want to hear that it's been destroyed.
GRIF:Oh, well then maybe I should stop talking. Or you can stop listening.
SARGE:Grif!
SIMMONS:Nonono it's not destroyed Sarge, the engine just quit.
SARGE:And what exactly were you doing when the engine died?
GRIF:Duh, getting the jeep outta the ditch.
SARGE:What was the jeep doing in a ditch?
GRIF:Well I can tell you what it wasn't doing, and that's reenacting the coolest scene from The Dukes of Hazzard ever.
SARGE:Rrrrrrrrrrrrr.
GRIF:Simmons was driving.
SIMMONS:No I wasn't, I was holding the arrows and the dynamite!
Cut to the three of them looking at the jeep
SARGE:Wait a second, this thing isn't busted, it's just outta gas.
GRIF:It runs on gas?
SARGE:Of course not moron, where are we gonna get gasoline? I modified the fuel cells to utilize a form of cold fission, powered by solar energy.
SIMMONS:So then why is it dead, sir?
SARGE:You would have had to park it in the shade for at least two hours. What were you doing parked in the shade for two hours?
GRIF:Well I can tell you what we weren't doing...
SARGE:Ah, forget it. Come on, help me push this thing in the sunlight. One, two, three!
Sarge and Simmons push the jeep, Grif faces the other way and does fuck-all
SIMMONS:Hurrrr...
SARGE:Hurrrrniaaa.
GRIF:Hurr. Man this thing weighs a ton. Holy crap. Wowzers.
SIMMONS:Dumbass.
GRIF:Oh right.
They all push it in to the sun
SARGE:Hurrrr.
GRIF:Stupid jeep.
SARGE:Grif, what happened to this fender?
GRIF:It was like that when we took it out!
SARGE:And where's the hubcap?
GRIF:Man, this neighborhood's really going to crap.
SARGE:I gotta buy those in sets of four, numbnuts.
SIMMONS:The jeep's getting power.
The jeep gets power, just like Simmons predicted, and that same stupid song starts playing
SARGE:Turn that crap off.
Music stops, radio sounds are heard
TEX:(over the radio) Come in, does anyone hear me? Over.
SARGE:What the, who's that?
TEX:This is freelancer Tex, looking for anyone from the Blood Gulch Outposts, do you read. Over.
GRIF:It's that mean chick from the blue team.
SIMMONS:Hang up on her.
SARGE:Good idea.
TEX:I have found O'Malley's base. I repeat, I have found O'Malley's base.
SARGE:O'Malley? Son of a-
SIMMONS:Where is she?
TEX:They seem to be holed up in some kind of a fortress. I'm not sure how I got here or how they built it, but if you can read this, I need you to get to me as fast as you can.
Grif and Simmons talk over her transmission
GRIF:Maybe we could use the radio to triangulate her position.
SIMMONS:How? We only have one radio. We would need a third point to triangulate.
GRIF:Okay, well let's just pick a point between her and us.
SIMMONS:What? That's not a triangle you idiot, that's a line!
GRIF:Right, a line that we'll follow straight to Tex! It's the perfect mathematical plan!
SIMMONS:Hey Grif, why don't you just stick to criticizing other people's ideas, instead of coming up with your own.
GRIF:It does seem to be my talent.
SARGE:I could simulate a third radio by using some of this sand, and the heat from the jeep's tailpipe to make an enormous refractory lens. And then-
GRIF:Or we could just listen to the coordinates she's sending.
TEX:My coordinates are two two niner delta, by one point three seven gamma.
They talk over her again
SIMMONS:Uh yeah, we could do that too. ...What's wrong Sarge?
SARGE:(sigh) Nothing.
SIMMONS:You really wanted to make the lens, didn't you.
SARGE:You're damn right!
SIMMONS:Well we can make it later, when we have more time.
SARGE:Awwww, don't patronize me.
TEX:I need you guys to come right away. Or better yet, send someone who can fight.
*** Tex's transmission will be here soon! ***


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 47: It's a Biological Fact

Fade in on the Boys and Tex outside O'malley's base near the warthog
TEX:What took you guys so long to get here?
SIMMONS:There's six of us, and this is only a three seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.
DONUT:It was a great road trip. My favourite part was when Grif tried to change gears, and he accidentally-
GRIF:Hugh, please, let's not tell the story. Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?
SARGE:What you find, Tex?
TEX:Well, O'Malley's holed up in his fortress. He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days now, and he's got some help, one of those religious nuts you guys picked up.
CABOOSE:Oh, I like them. They were funny.
TUCKER:Caboose, they tried to kill you because of a flag.
CABOOSE:I try not to remember the bad things about people.
TUCKER:That's all they tried to do, there were no good things.
CABOOSE:That's okay. I have a really bad memory-wow look, a beach!
SARGE:Shut up Caboose. What's yer plan, Tex?
As Tex explains her plan, we see a nice, majestic, panoramic view of O'Malley's base, like it's a movie or something
TEX:Well first we have to breach the outer wall.
CABOOSE:Oh. I love breaching!
TEX:Then, we have to get past another wall.
SIMMONS:Two walls? Some people are so materialistic.
TEX:The second wall has a guard tower, and an enormous razor-sharp spinning blade.
SIMMONS:What that thing? It's spinning like two miles an hour.
TEX:I didn't say it'd be hard to get past. After that, we have to pass the gun turrets, and break in to the building.
SARGE:And then we attack O'Malley.
TEX:No. That's when we plant, this.
CABOOSE:...We're planting a volleyball.
TEX:It's not a ball, it's a bomb.
CABOOSE:We're planting a volleybomb?
TEX:I've scouted a location inside the base where we can set it off and take the whole place down. I marked the spot with a big X.
TUCKER:You scouted it.
TEX:Yeah.
TUCKER:If you got past the two walls, the huge spinning blade, the gun turrets, and made it all the way in to the fortress, why didn't you just plant the bomb then instead of putting a big X on the floor?
TEX:...I can't carry it.
GRIF:What?
SIMMONS:What was that?
TEX:It's too heavy, okay? You happy?
GRIF:Yeah kinda.
TEX:I need one of you idiots to carry it. I don't have the upper body strength to move it on my own.
GRIF:See, girls act like they're so tough, but the first time they need someone to move a couch, who do they call.
TEX:
GRIF:Please don't kill me.
SARGE:(walking to the volleybomb) Ahh, go ahead and kill him. We could use the armor for spare parts. Here, this thing doesn't look so heavy, let me t-yooo that thing ain't movin'!
CABOOSE:I can carry it.
TEX:I guarantee you'll need two people.
TUCKER:No it's true, he's got crazy strength. Church and I think it's God's way of compensating.
CABOOSE:(lifting the bomb) See...
SARGE:Great Paul's Bunyan, he's like an ox.
CABOOSE:But I have no horns... or lumberjack friends.
GRIF:Come on, no way it can be that bad. Let me give it a-
Caboose hands over the bomb to Grif, who promptly drops it, making the screen shake
GRIF:Wheaugh! Hugh. Okay, you can carry it.
SARGE:Alright, then we'll storm in there, blow up O'Malley, leave Grif for dead, and maybe find some clues about what happened to Church and Lopez.
TEX:You mean your robot? He's in there with him.
SARGE:Lopez is in the building?
Cut to the Lopez head and Doc/O'Malley/Baron Von Evil Satan
LOPEZ:Ese persona rojo está comenzados a conseguir a mi nervios.
CAPTION: That red guy is really starting to get on my nerves.
DOC:He keeps asking me if I've accepted the flag as my saviour. I'm just not comfortable talking about religion in the workplace.
O'MALLEY:Oh no, here he comes.
RED ZEALOT:Master, Headmaster, I have finished the duties you assigned me.
O'MALLEY:You polished all the curtains?
RED ZEALOT:Yes! And the ammunition too! It was like cleaning the impurities from my very essence!
O'MALLEY:What about the evil windmill?
RED ZEALOT:I greased the engine and filled it with gas. It was like giving my own soul a tune-up!
O'MALLEY:Yes yes, alright fine. Why don't you see about patching up some of these holes in the walls. I think there's some sinister spackle in the toolshed.
RED ZEALOT:Excellent idea, Sir. It will probably help keep out that crowd of people that's been gathering on the beach.
O'MALLEY:Yes of course, all the people on the beach, blah blah blah blah blah. Wait. What did he say?
Cut back to Tex and everyone else, with Donut fucking around in the jeep
TEX:Wait let me get this straight. The biggest threat we know of is in that building, and you don't want me to blow it up?
SIMMONS:We can't, we need Lopez's head. It has valuable information stored in it.
TEX:Sorry, I'm going with the bomb. But hey, here's an idea, maybe you could find your buddy's head in the rubble when we're done.
GRIF:Come on, we can't lift a bomb but we can dig through rubble?
TEX:Sorry, but there is no way I'm letting O'Malley get away this time.
TUCKER:Just hire her.
GRIF:What?
TUCKER:Hire her to help you get Lopez back. She'll do anything for money.
TEX:That's not true.
TUCKER:It's not? I'll give you ten bucks to tear off Grif's arm.
TEX:Which one's Grif?
TUCKER:See, she's not even really on the Blue Team. She was just paid to come help us.
GRIF:(pointing at Simmons) He's Grif.
SIMMONS:How do we pay her, we don't even have any money. We don't even know what money is in the future.
GRIF:Yeah, they could have shells, or laser beams for currency.
SIMMONS:Laser beams.
GRIF:Hyeah. That would be the coolest wallet ever.
TUCKER:Why don't you trade her a favour?
GRIF:Huh?
TUCKER:Have her do this for you, and then you guys owe her a favour. That's how these freelancers get stuff done, right?
TEX:That'll work. I'll help you, and then the two of you have to do something for me.
SIMMONS:Okay, we'll do it.
GRIF:Wait just a second. What would we have to do...
TEX:It all depends.
GRIF:Depends on what.
TEX:Onnn, what I need. To do some future job.
GRIF:But, it could be anything.
TEX:That's right, anything.
GRIF:... ... ...Like gay stuff?
TEX:I have no idea.
GRIF:Well can we rule out the gay stuff?
DONUT:Hey, how come I never get to help?
Cut to Caboose holding the bomb in front of Sarge, for no particular reason
SARGE:No, no, what're you doin'? Don't lift with your legs, your back's the strongest muscle in your body. And look man, your knees aren't even locked, how do you expect to stand up straight? Come on, put your groin in to it. And stop exhaling on every lift. The goal is to hold your breath as long as possible. Under stress, the body produces all the oxygen it needs. Herrrr. Groin it out.
CABOOSE:Can't I just pick this up when we are ready to go?
SARGE:Yeah, I guess that makes sense.
Caboose drops the bomb, and the screen shakes
CABOOSE:Ahhhh...
TEX:Okay, we're ready to go!
CABOOSE:Crap.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 48: Heavy Metal

Sarge talking to various dirtbags
SARGE:Okay, listen up dirtbags. If we're gonna invade this fortress, we need a good gameplan. I have got two options we can use.
Cut to a black and white re-enactment of Sarge's plan
SARGE:Number one, we all run straight at the base in a single file line, screaming at the top of our lungs. The enemy will be so flabberghasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we'll already be inside.
Cut back to Sarge and the dirtbags
TUCKER:Oh yeah right, they're not gonna get surprised, they're just gonna start mowing us down.
SARGE:That's the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front. So if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.
SIMMONS:Don't you think Caboose should be in the back, since he's the one carrying the bomb?
SARGE:Nope, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.
TUCKER:How're you gonna know if it's not working?
SARGE:If Caboose dies, I'll know we're in trouble, and immediately abort.
CABOOSE:(holding the bomb) I think that's a good plan.
GRIF:Sarge, while that's the most retarded idea I've ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.
SARGE:Don't get misty, Francine. We'll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill.
Cut to a black and white re-enactment of Grif's lifeless corpse riding up on the windmill
GRIF'S LIFELESS CORPSE:Bleah!!!!!!!!!!!
Cut back to Sarge addressing the audience
SARGE:I think we can all agree given our current situation, it's the perfect plan.
EVERYONE:...........................
SARGE:Okay, well let me tell you about my other plan. Using parts from the Warthog-
GRIF:(to Tex) I'm hoping you've got a better idea.
SARGE:(under Grif's line) we build what I like to call "The Grif Cannon."
GRIF:Hoh man...
SARGE:Utilising the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif-sized hole in the outer wall. ...Or we paint it a very disgusting color.
Cut to O'Malley ranting about something
O'MALLEY:Hahaha, fools. They don't stand a chance against us, hahaha. Do they men.
LOPEZ:No. Los macho comer os.
CAPTION: No. We will crush them.
RED ZEALOT:The Flag is on our side. We will be victorious!
O'MALLEY:Stupendous! To your battle stations, on to crushing victory! The fools don't stand a chance against our might! Muahahaa.
RED ZEALOT AND  LOPEZ:...
O'MALLEY:What're you still doing there?
RED ZEALOT:I forget. Which battle station is mine? I'm still learning my way around the fortress.
LOPEZ:Necesito a llega mí llevo. No tengo ningún torso.
CAPTION: I need someone to carry me. I have no torso.
Cut to Sarge on a ramp, talking over radio sounds for a bit
SARGE:Okay, is everyone ready? Donut, Caboose and I will move the bomb down the staircase and along the left side of the base.
CABOOSE:(holding the bomb and talking as if he's in labor) Please hurry, I don't know how much longer I can talk like this.
DONUT:Man that does look heavy. You really should consider wearing some kind of supportive undergarment.
CABOOSE:U-no thanks. I can do it.
DONUT:Come on now, don't be shy. You can borrow one of mine! I'm thinking something with lace. Lace is totally in right now!
Cut to a random sniper rifle
TUCKER:Ooh, sniper rifle!
TEX:(taking it) I got it.
TUCKER:Fuck.
Cut to Simmons and Grif doing something
SIMMONS:Copy that Sarge.
SARGE:Simmons, you and the two bullet magnets move up the right side and try to cause some kind of distraction.
SIMMONS:Any suggestions?
SARGE:As long as it draws their fire away from us and towards you I don't care.
DONUT:Try some dance moves! Oh! You could do a musical number!
SARGE:Get off the radio, Donut!
SIMMONS:Alright, looks like we're on our own guys. Tex, how does it look from up there?
Pans up to Tex who's actually in a reasonable tactical position
TEX:I don't see any movement... but the guns are definitely online.
TUCKER:You know what, I miss the old days, when we didn't risk our lives, and you guys were all just a bunch of nameless assholes I would yell at with Church.
GRIF:It's okay. We hate you too man.
SARGE:Okay, let's move out!
Cut to O'Malley looking down on them from his high vantage point in the fortress of EVIL!!!!
O'MALLEY:Huhah, here they come. Get ready.
Cut to The Red Zealot taking up one of the turrets
RED ZEALOT:Prepare to be cleansed, infidels!
Cut to Lopez's head on the other turret
LOPEZ:No los dejarán cruzar la frontera.
CAPTION: I will not let them cross the border.
Cut to Simmons and the bullet magnets in a cave or something
SIMMONS:Alright, so far so good. Sarge, we are in position.
Cut to Sarge in front of a sign that says Camp Froman
SARGE:Roger that. We are also in position. No sign of the enemy.
DONUT:Mahan, this is the easiest fortress invading mission, of all time.
CABOOSE:Maybe for you, this thing is heavy, for me. (drops the bomb)
Caboose drops the enormously heavy bomb, drawing the Red Zealot's attention
SARGE:Careful with that thing, Caboose!
DONUT:Uh... Sarge?
SARGE:You could blow us all to smithereens!
DONUT:Sarge, I'm pretty sure that guy up there with the gun, sees us.
SARGE:You wanna blow people to smithereens, at least make sure Grif is nearby.
DONUT:Duck!
Red Zealot opens fire
SARGE:What the?
CABOOSE:A duck? Where? I love ducks.
SARGE:Get down, idiot.
Cut to Lopez somehow firing on the bullet magnets
GRIF:We're under fire, Sarge we're under fire!
SARGE:Good! Now jump up and draw them off.
TUCKER:What'd he say?
GRIF:He was breaking up. I think he said something about staying here, and not doing anything risky.
SIMMONS:Tex, see what you can do about that gun!
TEX:You got it.
Tex shoots the Lopez head off his gun
TEX:Hyeah, headshot!
GRIF:Nice shooting, Tex.
SIMMONS:Tucker. You and Tex head up across that bridge. Try to take out that other turret. We'll head in to the base and see if we can find O'Malley.
TUCKER:Why do I have to go up against a machine gun, and you guys get to go play hide and seek?
SIMMONS:The guy we're seeking has a rocket launcher.
TUCKER:Oh, right. Uh, have fun doing that.
Cut to Sarge and co.
SARGE:Caboose, we'll hold them off from up here. You take the bomb and try to sneak in the front of the base.
CABOOSE:Okay.
DONUT:Wow, Sarge. You actually decided to sacrifice yourself for someone else!
SARGE:Quiet Donut! I'm gonna need your help. When the turrets kill Caboose, I'm gonna need you to carry the bomb in to the base.
Cut to Tex and Tucker at the big windmill thing
TEX:I can't see him from here. Let's move out. (runs across the fan)
TUCKER:Okay, but jus- (falls down behind the fan) Whoahoa! Ah!
TEX:Tucker! Are you okay?
TUCKER:Yeah I'm okay, I dropped down in to some kind of hole. Can you give me a hand?
TEX:Oh. Let me take out this turret. I'll be back for you later.
TUCKER:What is that? Hoaho, what the hell is this?
Cut to Simmons and Grif at the other giant fan thingie
SIMMONS:Okay Grif, we just need to jump through here.
GRIF:Okay, go for it.
SIMMONS:Me? Why me first?
GRIF:Because, I don't wanna die?
SIMMONS:But this thing's moving super slow. See?
Ten seconds later the fan blade goes by, complete with huge WHOOSH sound
GRIF:Nice knowing you Simmons.
Cut to Sarge
SARGE:No, shoot the guy with the bomb! You're ruining the plan!
TEX:I'm pinned down, I need assistance!
TUCKER:(arriving next to the Red Zealot) Hey asshole. (flips out some glowing blade thing)
RED ZEALOT:Heuh?
Tucker steps forward and slices the Red Zealot in the groin, sending him flying off the base to land on the ground below, on his face
RED ZEALOT:My quest is over... I can see the flag... It's so, flappy... Hegh-bleahhhh
TEX:Hey, where'd you get that?
TUCKER:I dunno, I found it in the hole. Pretty cool. Look what I can do. (swings it in the air)
TEX:Hey, you wanna trade it for the sniper rifle?
TUCKER:No thanks, I'm good.
Cut to Caboose wandering around aimlessly
CABOOSE:X. I'm looking for an X. That, is a plus sign. Not an X. I need to find an X.
CHURCH:(from nowhere) Hello? Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?
CABOOSE:Church?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 49: Roaming Charges

Fade in to Church in the past
CHURCH:Okay, think Church. The bomb went off, you got knocked out, you woke up, and you were here. Question is, where is here?
A wall raises, and Church moves past it to a computer
COMPUTER: hello. you are early.
CHURCH:Me?
COMPUTER: you are not supposed to be here for another 1,856 years.
CHURCH:What is this place?
COMPUTER: this is the housing facility for the great weapon. i am the keeper of the great weapon. you are the great destroyer. you will demolish this facility, kill me, steal the great weapon, and bring about the great doom for billions of people. ... welcome! how may i be of assistance?
CHURCH:What're you talking about?
COMPUTER: your coming has been foretold by the great prophecy.
CHURCH:Does your society have any other adjectives besides great?
COMPUTER: the great prophecy warns the great destoyer will be a blue being.
CHURCH:And you think that's me.
COMPUTER: the blue being will be known as the stupidest life form in the universe.
CHURCH:Wait a second, this destroyer guy. He dresses like me, but he's dumber than anyone else in existence.
COMPUTER: correct.
CHURCH:Oh crap.
Text screen: 1,856 years in the future
Cut to unarmed Caboose
CABOOSE:Mister Sargeant! Mister Sargeant! Come quick!
SARGE:You'd better have a damn good reason for interrupting our search. Can't you see this is an extremely organized and highly motivated operation!
Text screen: 2 minutes before that
Cut to Grif and Simmons
GRIF:Yeah I'm bored, I wanna stop doing whatever it is I'm pretending to be doing.
SARGE:You're supposed to be helping me look for Lopez, meat sack. You said you saw him up here.
GRIF:We saw his head.
SARGE:Just the head?
GRIF:Yeah, it was operating the right turret.
SARGE:How was he pullin' the triggers?
SIMMONS:He's very determined.
SARGE:You're sure it was Lopez.
GRIF:Well, I heard screaming in Spanish, and bullets flying through the air, so either that was Lopez, or this is Mexican New Year.
SARGE:Well where's his head now?
SIMMONS:I don't know, Tex shot it. Hey, Tex!
TEX:What?
SIMMONS:When you shot Lopez's head, where did it go?
TEX:How do I know?
SIMMONS:Are you sure you hit it?
TEX:...
SIMMONS:I mean is it possible that you missed?
TEX:...
SIMMONS:I mean just this one time, it doesn't say anything about your overall skill level.
TEX:...
SIMMONS:Yeah, she says she doesn't know.
Cut to Tucker with his big blue bladey thing, and Donut with his crappy little gun
DONUT:Wow, that's sweet! I like the glowing part. Wh-h does it make cool noises when you swing it?
TUCKER:I don't think so... no, wait, is "whoosh" a noise? Because if it is then it does, it goes whoosh whoosh, whshsh, whshthsh, whithishsh, wh-kch, chchchchc, whshsshh, hhshshsh ing, ching, whsch, wheouw. (swings the blade a couple times, making it whoosh in the air) See?
DONUT:And you found that in a hole?
TUCKER:Yeah dude I was just walking along, following Tex, not really paying attention you know. I fell in some hole. And uh, Tex didn't help me out, she figured she was better off without me, and that's when I found this.
DONUT:You know, most people would tell that story in a way that makes it sound a little better.
TUCKER:Yeah but, you know, that's not really my style.
DONUT:Man, I've never found something that cool in a hole. And I've explored just about every hole you can think of!
TUCKER:Hey dude, do me a favor and don't talk like that when I'm playing with my thing.
Cut to the reds (but not pink) in a hallway
SARGE:Caboose, what're you yammerin' about? Did you find Lopez?
CABOOSE:Someone meaner!
SARGE:O'Malley?
CABOOSE:Meaner!
GRIF:You found someone meaner than the guy trying to destroy the universe.
CABOOSE:Yes!
CHURCH:(in the console behind a BSOD) Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?
CABOOSE:See? It's Church. Ahand he's meaner than ever!
CHURCH:Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?
CABOOSE:Church. I can hear you. Can you hear me.
CHURCH:Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?
CABOOSE:Church. I can hear you. How are you?
CHURCH:Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?
SIMMONS:I think it might be a recording.
GRIF:Quiet, I wanna see how long this lasts.
CABOOSE:Church. I can hear you. Do you miss me?
SARGE:Move over, brainiac, let me see if I can get the rest of this thing to play. (starts fidgeting with the console)
CABOOSE:I carried the bomb and found Church. I, am a very important person.
GRIF:Yes we're very impressed...
SARGE:Hmm. I think I can reroute power from the main coupling to the memory storage compartment. Grif, we may have to use some of your circuitry from your armor's life support system.
GRIF:Or, I could just hit the play button.
SARGE:Are you sure? I'm already down here.
GRIF:I'm sure.
SARGE:I already got the access panel off and everything.
GRIF:Pressing play.
SARGE:Alright fine.
CHURCH:Caboose, I know you're there. I'm leaving this message from two thousand years in the past. Whatever you do, don't, touch, anything. Apparently you're this culture's version of the apocalypse. You're going to destroy this building, and somehow bring about doom for their entire race.
CABOOSE:Mmmmmmnooo... that doesn't sound like me. I like people. And buildings also.
SIMMONS:Caboose, what did you do with the bomb you were carrying?
CABOOSE:I put it on the X, like... I was s'posed to.
SIMMONS:Uh oh.
GRIF:I think we'd better get outta here.
CHURCH:Whatever you do, don't touch the glowing weapon thing they have stored there.
SIMMONS:Uh oh.
CHURCH:And if you do, definitely don't bring it in to the main building.
Tucker and Donut walk in, with Tucker brandishing the glowing weapon thing in plain sight
TUCKER:What's up, dawgs?
CHURCH:Otherwise the whole place is gonna lock down, and you're gonna be trapped.
The places starts locking down, trapping them inside
DONUT:Automatic garage door, cool!
CABOOSE:Would you stop saying bad things that come true! Or... say them ten seconds earlier!
Radio sounds
SARGE:Tex, this is Sarge. Do not detonate the bomb.
TEX:I don't have a detonator, it's on a timer.
GRIF:A countdown timer?
TEX:No, a countup timer. It goes from one, to explode. Of course a countdown timer you idiot!
SARGE:I think we might be in trouble. Ah fudgepumps.
Text screen: meanwhile, at a different time
Cut to Church in the past
CHURCH:Just don't touch anything, don't look at anything, don't breathe on anything.
COMPUTER: message recorded. do you think it will work?
CHURCH:No. Like you said man, that guy's dumb as a rock! But at least he has some slightly less stupid people around him that can kind of help him from time to time.
Text screen: t minus 3 minutes
SARGE:Just three minutes left on the bomb!
DONUT:Whah! We're all gonna explode and die!
GRIF:Simmons come over here, help me chew on this wall. We can eat our way out!
Text screen: t minus 975,513,603 minutes
CHURCH:Yeah, on second thought I'd better get back there and handle this personally. Y'know if I could only get back to our old bases, maybe I can change some key events and keep them from getting there. Hey, do you have any way to teleport me to Blood Gulch?
COMPUTER: no. but working at full capacity, i could create a teleporter in approximately 1,000 years.
CHURCH:A thousand years, huh? Kind of a long wait. You know any jokes?
COMPUTER: did you hear the one about the positronic brain?
CHURCH:Oh yeah, that's the one with the, active matrix and the...
COMPUTER: yes. that's it. i just love that one. ha. ha. ha.
CHURCH:Yeah it's funny. It's old, but, yeah it's funny.
COMPUTER: how about the one with the jewish simm chip and the irish expansion slot?
CHURCH:Hey come on dude, let's, try to keep it clean.
COMPUTER: hey. pull my dongle. come on you big baby. just one pull. it won't kill you.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 50: Silver Lining

Fade in to the bomb, counting down the last few seconds to 2:00
GRIF:Howh, just two minutes left.
SARGE:Men, I don't want this to sound pessimistic, but I'm absolutely certain we're all gonna die!
SIMMONS:I think that that's a totally objective assessment of the situation, sir.
TUCKER:(hitting the window shutters with the ultimate weapon) What if we just beat on these window shutters together, we can get 'em open.
SARGE:No, that would be the coward's way out. Fruitlessly trying to escape instead of accepting your own fate!
TUCKER:(jumping up in the now open window) But I can see daylight!
SARGE:It's true. Only a miracle can save us now.
Cut to the computer with Church
COMPUTER: teleporter complete. slightly behind schedule.
CHURCH:(with a white beard all the way to Tibet) You know, it might have gone a bit faster if you hadn't spent so much processor time telling knock-knock jokes.
COMPUTER: knock knock.
CHURCH:Enough. Do you have the coordinates to send me to Blood Gulch or not?
COMPUTER: yes. do you have a plan yet?
CHURCH:I've been standing in this hallway thinking for a thousand years. I've had time.
COMPUTER: and?
CHURCH:Well, the main thing I need to do, is keep myself from dying.
COMPUTER:(with a glaring typo)  thats a given.
CHURCH:And since all our problems stem from O'Malley jumpin' from Tex to Caboose, all I need to do is prevent her from dying too.
COMPUTER: because you secretly love her.
CHURCH:Oh don't start that again. All I need to do is kill that pink guy that sticks the grenade on her.
COMPUTER: sounds easy.
CHURCH:Well, I have knowledge of everything that takes place beforehand, so, as long as I don't interfere too much, or get spotted, should be a frigging breeze.
COMPUTER: ready to transport.
CHURCH:Okay, let's do it. Goodbye... computer. Compu- you know what, you'd think I would have come up with a name for you in these thousand years.
COMPUTER: it's gary. but thanks for asking. see you in a few hundred years.
Church with a beard all the way to Tibet teleports away, and is instantly replaced by Church with no beard to Tibet running up to the same spot
CHURCH:Computer, you've got to send me back!
GARY: to blood gulch? you just left.
CHURCH:No no no not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder! Man I totally screwed everything up!
GARY: how?
Cut to Blood Gulch, with Sarge constructing Lopez's lower half
GRIF:(in the Red Base) Hey Sarge!
SARGE:What now?
GRIF:Command's on the phone, they want to talk to you about some kind of upcoming delivery!
SARGE:Dag, nabbit! I'm never gonna finish this mechanized robot at this rate! I'll be right there. Now don't you go anywhere Lopez... Hee hee heh heh.
Future Church arrives next to Lopez after Sarge runs in to the base
FUTURE CHURCH:Ahhh, it's good to be back here. It's been a long t- Ah who'm I kidding, even a thousand years doesn't make this dirthole any more appealing. Oh what the hell, wh, he stuck me at Red Base. It must be way before Tex shows up, the robot isn't even done yet. Hurry up and get finished buddy, I'm gonna need that body pretty soon. (looks down) What's that... (sees two switches, one significantly larger than the other, and kicks dirt on the smaller one) You just got an upgrade pal.
Church runs off as Sarge returns
SARGE:Oh no, how did all this dirt get in Lopez's switch? It better not short out when I use it. Could take out both the leg motors.
Cut to Church running somewhere
FUTURE CHURCH:I wonder just how early I am.
Cut to Past Church on Blue Base
PAST CHURCH:Did they come out!? Tucker!
TUCKER:(out by the teleporter receptacle in the Gulch) What!?
PAST CHURCH:Did it come out the other side!?
TUCKER:Yeah, but they're all black and smoking! Maybe you've got it turned up too high!
PAST CHURCH:What're you talking about, I don't see a knob or anything on this thing. Hey, you think I could throw a grenade through here!?
TUCKER:What, that would never work!
TEAL SOLDIER:Hey men, sorry to interrupt, would you mind huddling up fellas?
TUCKER:Be right there, Captain Flowers.
FLOWERS:How are you adjusting to the climate here on Blood Gulch, Private Church?
PAST CHURCH:Fine. Little warm, but, okay.
FLOWERS:That's great. You have any problems at all, you let me know.
PAST CHURCH:Umm... Okay.
TUCKER:What's up Sir?
FLOWERS:Sir, Tucker... I told you to call me Captain, or Cappy, er... I don't want silly things like rank to interfere with our team dynamic.
TUCKER:You got it, Cappy.
FLOWERS:I think I'm commanding the finest army, in all of Blood Gulch.
TUCKER:Isn't there only one other army, those red guys?
PAST CHURCH:Yeah, you know, the enemy?
FLOWERS:I'll tell you who your enemy is, gentlemen. Apathy. Passivity. Indifference. ...And yes, also those red guys.
PAST CHURCH:Yeah I've been thinking about our orders from Command... uh, Cappy. And I gotta tell you, I don't think three guys is enough to stage such an elaborate offensive.
TUCKER:I think we should listen to this guy Captain, he seems to know plenty about being offensive.
PAST CHURCH:Can it, shitbird.
TUCKER:See?
FLOWERS:Men your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step, and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your commanding officer I'd pick you both up, give you a giant bear hug and make you call me Daddy.
PAST CHURCH:Uhm... thank God for the chain of command?
FLOWERS:Now. I know you're worried about our mission. But I can tell you this. There's nothing, more important to me, than the safety, and well-being, of my men. Or my name, isn't Captain. Butch. Flowers.
TUCKER:Does that mean we all get Sniper Rifles?
FLOWERS:I'm gonna put in an order for yours tomorrow, Private Tucker. But I need to get some shut-eye first.
TUCKER:Awesome. But it's like three-fifteen in the afternoon.
PAST CHURCH:You're forgetting about the time change, Tucker.
TUCKER:Oh yeah, it's like three-eighteen. Why the hell is daylight savings time here only three minutes?
FLOWERS:Good question, Private Tucker. It'll have to wait for another day, some of us need our beauty sleep. Not everyone has your striking metrosexual good looks.
TUCKER:That's true.
Cut to Future Church behind a rock, watching the situation
FUTURE CHURCH:Holy crap, Captain Flowers is still alive. Oh man, I might be able to fix everything at once.
Cut to Flowers inside Blue Base
FLOWERS:Huh, and now to go to sleep, standing up with my eyes open, as is my custom.
FUTURE CHURCH:Captain Flowers!
FLOWERS:God, don't sneak up on me like that, can't you see I'm sleeping?
FUTURE CHURCH:Sorry Sir, look, I know you probably don't remember me that well.
FLOWERS:Course I remember you Church, I just saw you two minutes ago.
FUTURE CHURCH:Oh right. Yeah, it's uh, it's been longer for me. Anyway, there's no nice way to put this, but you're gonna die of a massive heart attack tonight.
FLOWERS:That doesn't sound like me. I'm a team player.
FUTURE CHURCH:And I can't tell you how I know this, but I need you to take this injection, so that you can live, and together we can beat the Reds. That way a lot of really weird, and totally inexplicable stuff won't happen.
FLOWERS:I don't understand anything you just said, and I've only known you for a short time. But go ahead and inject me, Private Church.
Future Church steps up and injects Flowers in the wrist for some reason
FLOWERS:Thank you son. Feeling much bett- ...better. ...Agh.
FUTURE CHURCH:What. What's the matter?
FLOWERS:That medication, it didn't have... ungh... Aspirin in it, did it? I'm allergic to... Aspirin.
FUTURE CHURCH:Umm...
FLOWERS:(squatting) Can't feel haunches... Spleen failing... Glutes, glutenizing... (falls over) Church. Before I die, I have to tell you something incredibly important. It may hold the key to our victory here.
FUTURE CHURCH:What, what is it?
FLOWERS:Hurkh...
FUTURE CHURCH:Aw, crap.
FLOWERS:Blah.
Past Church and Tucker run in to the base, and Future Church bails
PAST CHURCH:No Tucker, you can't hold my sniper rifle until tomorrow. Captain, what time did you wanna- Captain? (runs over to Flowers and checks for a pulse) Hoooly crap, he's dead Tucker. I think he might have had a heart attack in his sleep.
TUCKER:Dude, that's horrible. This is a sad day. I got dibs on the armor!
Cut to Future Church looking back at Blue Base
FUTURE CHURCH:Well that didn't work out so well. I better lay low before I do some more damage.
Cut to black screen with white text: "a few weeks later"
Cut to Future Church hiding in the shade
FUTURE CHURCH:Man this sucks. It's still weeks until Tex shows up, I still haven't seen any sign of that pink guy yet.
DONUT:Hi!
FUTURE CHURCH:Uhmm... Hello.
DONUT:Do you have any elbow grease?
FUTURE CHURCH:What're you talking about?
DONUT:How about headlight fluid? This is the store, right?
FUTURE CHURCH:What? Look man, there's only two places in this God damn canyon.
DONUT:Look I just came from Red Base.
FUTURE CHURCH:Well, then the only other place you can go is, that way.
DONUT:Okay, thanks mister!
FUTURE CHURCH:Hey, wait a second. Is that pink guy over at Red Base yet?
DONUT:Pink guy? I don't know any pink guys. There's a maroon guy and an orange guy, but no pink guys. Seeya later. (takes off)
FUTURE CHURCH:Yeah thanks. What an idiot. ...Wait a minute.
Cut to Caboose and Church during episode 4
CABOOSE:My dad always said "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
PAST CHURCH:Hey rookie... did you just call my girlfriend a cow?
TUCKER:No, I think he called her a slut!
DONUT:Oh sweet, they sell tanks!
FUTURE CHURCH:(on the hill behind Donut, whispering) Hey, buddy, no no no, don't go down there!
DONUT:Is that the guy from the cave? How'd he get down here so fast?
PAST CHURCH:(turning around) Tucker, are you laughing at me?
DONUT:Excuse me, Sir, can I ask you a question?
FUTURE CHURCH:Oh crap.
Donut runs out of Blue Base carrying the flag
CABOOSE:(emerging from Blue Base) The General stopped by, and picked up the flag! (returns inside the base)
PAST CHURCH:Wait a second... what did he just say?
Past Church and Tucker run in to the base. Future Church turns to see Sheila
FUTURE CHURCH:There's Sheila. Sheila! (runs up to the tank and starts shooting it with his pistol) Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!
Cut to Past Church running off of Blue Base from Caboose
PAST CHURCH:Okay, Rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!
FUTURE CHURCH:(running around back of Sheila) Aw crap crap, come on, activate!
SHEILA:Thank you, for activating, the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Phyllis.
FUTURE CHURCH:Hey, Sh- wait, Phyllis? Why not Sheila?
PHYLLIS:Name overwritten. You may now call me Sheila.
FUTURE CHURCH:Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs.
SHEILA:Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers, are enabled.
FUTURE CHURCH:Yeah, comon comon, hurry.
SHEILA:Extra ammo management is disabled. The "Friendly Fire" protocol is enabled.
FUTURE CHURCH:Friendly Fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?
SHEILA:Affirmative.
FUTURE CHURCH:Alright. Disable, the "Friendly Fire" protocol.
SHEILA:"Friendly Fire" protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targetted by Auto-lock.
FUTURE CHURCH:Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right.
Caboose enters the tank
FUTURE CHURCH:I want the other thing.
SHEILA:Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
CABOOSE:Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
SHEILA:Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
FUTURE CHURCH:Sheila, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said.
SHEILA:This tutorial program, is intended to instruct non-certified personnel. Let's begin with some driving. (drives off)
FUTURE CHURCH:(left behind) Wait! Oh my God, no!
SHEILA:(driving) I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico.
FUTURE CHURCH:(chasing after on foot) No no no no no no no no no no n-
PAST CHURCH:(standing on the cliff in episode 8) Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought tank out to scare off the reds. Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
SHEILA:New target acquired. (spinning turret around at Church)
Cut to view from the tank, slowly panning up the cliffside at Church
CABOOSE:That's not a target. That's Church.
SHEILA:Target locked.
CABOOSE:What?
PAST CHURCH:What? Oh, son of a bi-
FUTURE CHURCH:(looking on from behind foliage) Oh NO! I'm the teamkilling fucktard!
TUCKER:You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
SHEILA:(spinning turret around) New target acquired. (drives off)
TUCKER:(running along the cliff) Caboose, wait!
FUTURE CHURCH:(arriving next to his own dead body) Ah, here we go. (picks up his own dead body's sniper rifle) Now at least I can pick off that pink guy without getting too close to anybody.
Cut to Caboose inside Sheila, just the way she likes it
CABOOSE:I can't figure out how to get this thing open!
SHEILA:Night vision engaged.
TUCKER:Rookie, get out now.
Shells exploding progressively nearer to the tank
CABOOSE:Okay, open the duh, okay, I, Sheila, will you please open the door?
SHEILA:Driver canopy open. (Caboose gets out and runs off the tank) Thank you for using the M808V main battle ta-
Shell hits the tank, blowing it on its roof backwards
CABOOSE:Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap running, running, running.
Past Church materializes as a ghost behind Future Church on the cliff
PAST CHURCH:What happened? I can see my body. I see two of my bodies. Am I dead?
FUTURE CHURCH:Uhh... Uh-oh, um, let's just put it this way: You were killed because someone very close to you is an idiot.
PAST CHURCH:So I am dead? Aw, that blows man! Wait... I see a light. Should I go in to it?
FUTURE CHURCH:What light? I don't see a light, you must be shaken up from the explosion. You should probably rest.
PAST CHURCH:Farewell my body. I shake loose these earthy bonds, for a better existence...
FUTURE CHURCH:Man... First I kill myself, then I realise I'm a honkin' dork. Not a very good day to be me.
Cut to Tucker and Caboose running up to the cliff
TUCKER:One second Caboose, I wanna get Church's sniper rifle.
FUTURE CHURCH:Uh oh. (hides)
TUCKER:Aw crap, it's gone. Man I'm so fucking unlucky. Come on Caboose, let's go call Command.
CABOOSE:Um... Shouldn't we bury Church?
TUCKER:Fuck that, has he ever buried us?
Cut to Grif on Red Base
GRIF:So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed, probably because somebody didn't believe in it.
DONUT:Hey since I captured the flag, d'you think they'll give me my own color armor now?
SIMMONS:What do you mean 'captured'? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot.
DONUT:Still, you think there's a shot?
SIMMONS:Maybe they'll give you Grif's armor, since he destroyed the Warthog.
GRIF:Hyeah, heh-wait... you don't... you don't think they'd do that, do you?
Cut to Tex turning around
MANLY TEX:Red base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back.
CABOOSE:Uh... Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans... porter...
GIRLY TEX:Yeah. You do that. Wimps.
Cut to Future Church spying on the Reds through the sniper rifle from behind a rock
FUTURE CHURCH:Man, I've really gotta find that pink guy. Where the hell is he?
DONUT:The best thing about the military is all the cool stuff I'm seeing for the first time.
GRIF:Yeah that's great.
Invisible Tex runs across in front of Future Church
FUTURE CHURCH:What the, what was that?
DONUT:Yeah, there wasn't a lot to do back on the old farm. Just sit back, think about things, and then repress those thoughts immediately...
SIMMONS:Doesn't this guy ever shut up?
GRIF:Hyeah, I'm wondering the same thing.
Cut to Tex, who throws a grenade up on to the red base, then cut to Grif
GRIF:What the fuck?
DONUT:(with the grenade magically attached to his head) What?
The grenade explodes
GRIF AND  SIMMONS:Son of a bitch!
Cut to Future Church's view through the sniper rifle of Grif swinging at nothing
GRIF:Simmons, help me fight, I'm too good looking to die.
FUTURE CHURCH:Where'd he go?
GRIF:Eek! I'm gonna faint!
Cut to Future Church's view of Sarge following Tex in to Red Base
FUTURE CHURCH:Aw, shit! Tex! Don't go in there! (drops the sniper rifle and charges after them) Awgh, I gotta do somethin'.
Cut to Future Church sneaking up behind a wall inside Red Base
GRIF:Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!
SARGE:Simmons, Grif. You watch the prisoner. Lopez and I will go topside and watch for a secondary attack. Simmons, if she attacks you, whistle twice and we'll know to come down and help. If she attacks Grif, just mild applause will do fine.
SIMMONS:Yes Sir!
GRIF:Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya...
TEX:Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.
GRIF:Yeah, right. What're you gonna do, punch me?
Tex leans in at Grif quickly, then leans back. Grif flinches and steps back
GRIF:Aaah, not the face!
SARGE:(from the top of the base) Grif, get yer keester up here. We got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base.
GRIF:Coming Sir.
SIMMONS:Did you hear that?
GRIF:I don't see any... (sees Caboose running across the Gulch) Uh uh, yep, there's one. (Caboose stops next to a rock and stares at it) Why is he just standing there?
Cut to Tucker crouching behind another rock
TUCKER:Caboose, get behind the rock. They can still see you.
CABOOSE:They can't see me. I can't see them!
TUCKER:That's because you're facing the rock.
CABOOSE:(looks at the base) Oh. Right. (ducks behind the rock, finds the sniper rifle Church left there) Look! A telemascope!
PAST CHURCH:Yeah well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there, ...other red guy. So I'm keeping my eye on you.
SIMMONS:(turning around to face Tex) Sarge, I'm starting to think that-
Past Church hits Simmons on the back of the head, knocking him down
SIMMONS:Ow, geez, the back of my head!
TEX:What the hell are you doing!?
PAST CHURCH:Tex! It's me, Church! I've come to rescue you.
TEX:Okay.
Tex and Past Church run off
FUTURE CHURCH:(stepping in to the middle of the base) Oh right, that red guy was me when I came to rescue Tex. And then we walked outside an- Oh no.
SIMMONS:(waking up and standing up) What happened? Oh man, the back of my head is killing me!
FUTURE CHURCH:Yeah, that's great. (punches Simmons in the face)
SIMMONS:Ow, geez, the front of my face!
Future Church runs up to the entrance of the base and watches his past self in Sarge's body get shot in the head by the sniper rifle he left behind for Caboose to find
FUTURE CHURCH:You gotta be kidding me!
CABOOSE:Tucker did it!
Cut to a black screen with the words "many unsuccessful attempts later"
Cut to Sheila attacking the Red Base in episode 19
SHEILA:Target locked. (fires)
Donut comes up from inside the base, and speaks as Future Church fires four sniper shots at him and misses horribly with each one
DONUT:Hey, what're you guys doin' up here!?
FUTURE CHURCH:(reloading the sniper rifle) Oh my God, how did I miss?
GRIF:That chick in the black armor's back!
DONUT:(as Church continues missing him horribly) What chick, the one that stuck the grenade to my head?
FUTURE CHURCH:GOD DAMMIT!
SIMMONS:That's the one.
DONUT:Ohhuw. Oh I been waiting for this. (runs up to the edge of the base and yells) Hey Bitch! Remember me!? I saved something for ya!
Donut throws a grenade. Various camera angles follow it on its long journey through the sky, and everyone in the Gulch watching it go
FUTURE CHURCH:(firing at the grenade four times and missing each time) FUCK, THIS, HORSE, SHIT!!!!
Cut to Caboose and Tucker
TUCKER:Man, that girl's got a really good arm.
The grenade lands right in Tex's lap, inside the tank
TEX:Aw crap!
DONUT:Hell yeah! Three points, you dirty whore! (dirty whore echoes at least twice in the Gulch before the tank finally explodes)
FUTURE CHURCH:(speaking over Donut) Alright that's it, I quit. I'm going to live in a cave.
PAST CHURCH:¡Dios mío, no!
CABOOSE:That looks like Church.
Radio sounds
CABOOSE:Come in, Church. Is that you, Church?
Morse Code is audible, reminiscent of when O'Malley moved from Caboose in to Doc
O'MALLEY:(Caboose-style evil laugh)


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 51: Episode 50 Part 2

Fade in to Past Church, Caboose and Tucker standing in front of the tombstones near Blue Base, with Future Church watching from afar
PAST CHURCH:Um... Maybe somebody should say something.
TUCKER:Okay, go ahead.
PAST CHURCH:Not me, jackass. I'm not gonna eulogize myself.
TUCKER:What? Why not, I eulogize myself all the time. Wait... I think I don't know what the word eulogize means.
CABOOSE:Wait, I know how to do this- Dearly beloved
PAST CHURCH:No, shut him up, seriously. Shut him up.
CABOOSE:We are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Church, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now! Or forever, rest in peace! With liberty, and justice, for all. The end.
TUCKER:Man this funeral is laaaame. If you need me I'll be over by my rock.
PAST CHURCH:Hey Tucker, can I have a piggy-back ride back to base?
TUCKER:No, nonono, I fell for that shit last time, I'm not doing that. That metal suit is like eight thousand pounds.
PAST CHURCH:Come on, one more piggy-back ride's not gonna kill ya. I'm in mourning here.
Cut to Future Church
PAST CHURCH:I've been through so much. At least help me paint my body blue.
FUTURE CHURCH:Okay. I may not have been able to save myself or Tex, but I still have time to save everybody else if I can just keep the A.I. from getting in to Doc, prevent Lopez and Sheila from forming their Robot Army, and somehow figure out a way to stop the war between the Reds and the Blues all together. Huh. What if I... Yeah I'm gonna need some help on this one.
Cut to past Church and Tucker trying to activate the repair function in episode 23
PAST CHURCH:Hurhoor... Oh! Hey!
TUCKER:Found it?
PAST CHURCH:Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.
TUCKER:What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing.
Future Church runs by inside the base, and the camera conveniently cuts to him there
FUTURE CHURCH:Where the hell is that contact info for Blue Command. We really need to standardize the way we handle our information.
Back outside
TUCKER:Naw dude, it's more like a ...switch.
PAST CHURCH:Well, give it a flip.
TUCKER:I don't wanna flip it.
Back inside to Future Church standing in front of Cabose's Importent Lists of Stuf
FUTURE CHURCH:Okay, here we go.
Radio sounds
FUTURE CHURCH:Come in Blue Command, do you read me.
VIC:(through static) Hello, hello, come in, do you read me, do I read you, hello, can you read me, what's goin' on, it's a secure channel here, come on.
FUTURE CHURCH:Uh yeah, this is, uh, Flowers, this is Captain Butch Flowers.
VIC:Heyyy, Captain Flowers, how're you doing dude? Hey I heard you died. Or you got promoted, wait a minute which one was it.
FUTURE CHURCH:Uhm... promoted.
VIC:Alright, great dude, how's that workin' out for you?
FUTURE CHURCH:Good. Listen up Vic, I'm actually uh... whaddaya call it, um intelligence now, military intelligence, yeah. And I uh, I need help on a very top secret project, uh, that's very secret. And very top.
VIC:I'm all yours, dude. Me Vic dude es tu Vic dude. in a ditideepti and all that.
FUTURE CHURCH:Here's what I need you to do. I need you to contact the Red Army, and have them send Medical Officer DuFresne, as far away from here as possible.
VIC:Red Army, no no dude, last transmission I received that Medic was at Blue Base. Got it right here in my log. No pun intended. Not sure what that means.
FUTURE CHURCH:Look it doesn't matter where he is, I just need him outta here. They're both the same to me.
VIC:Hello dude, you're telling me that Red and Blue are the same now in Blood Gulch.
FUTURE CHURCH:Right, exactly, the sides don't matter.
VIC:Heh, so Red and Blue are the same. Okay dude, well this changes everything.
FUTURE CHURCH:What?
VIC:Well I mean from starters we're gonna have to figure how to divide up the money from the office pool.
FUTURE CHURCH:Okay okay yeah, whatever, just remember. This is top secret, so you can't let anybody know that I gave you these instructions, okay? Or that we even spoke, don't even tell them that we talked together. You got it?
VIC:I will proceed accordingly dude, mum is the word. Actually bird is the word but the bird says mum. So we're gonna go with that. Over and out dude. (transmission ends)
FUTURE CHURCH:Well that should take care of at least one problem.
VIC:So... Red and Blue are the same. Well I gotta make some phone calls.
Cut to Simmons looking up at Past Church paralyzed from the waist down
SIMMONS:What the hell are you guys doing?
TUCKER:Aw crap, the reds are here.
PAST CHURCH:What? Caboose, why didn't you say anything?
FUTURE CHURCH:(inside the base) Oh what the hell? Vic just had 'em bring Doc back over here? That guy's a fricking moron. Now I'm back to square one!
Cut to Past Church as a ghost talking to Caboose and Tucker
GHOST CHURCH:Guys, I keep telling you, if we have Lopez remove any of Sheila's pedals, she's not gonna function properly.
TUCKER:Maybe we could just get Lopez to give Caboose more feet.
CABOOSE:Oh! I like that idea! I have always wanted to be taller.
In the background, Future Church runs up to Lopez and Sheila, and the camera once again conveniently cuts to them there, as if it was scripted or something
FUTURE CHURCH:Hey there Lopez, Sheila, you're both looking... uh very shiny, today, uh, rust-free, and, anyway, uh-huhm. The reason I'm up here to talk to you guys is, I know we've had our differences in the past, you know with uh, the nut turning and the um possessing and stuff like that, ah but I'm hoping we could put that behind us 'cause I wanna talk to you about maybe some crazy ideas you might be havin up here? Like I dunno, say uh, starting your own robot army? And you know it's, it's something you should think about pretty seriously if you're thinking about doing it, um because it's hard to run an army, and you might not be aware that, it's a lotta, it's a lot of logistics, a lot of rhetoric, um, you know it's uh, you gotta have chain of command, and that stuff you know, it's it's uh when you have ranks it, it puts friends against each other, that's not always a good thing. 'Cause it might seem like it's easy with only three people, even when those people are just robots- I don't mean, I don't mean just robots, I mean, three, you have, you you have three you have three people, that are, mechanized people, mechanized, Americans um, and then, you know, it's uh, it's uh, anyway you shouldn't do it. Bye. (runs off)
LOPEZ:No confío en ese mamón. Se parece muy sospechoso.
CAPTION: I don't trust that guy. He seems shifty.
SHEILA:Me neither, but I have to admit, I liked his Robot Army idea.
LOPEZ:Yo también. Debemos hacer eso.
CAPTION: Me too. We should do that.
LOPEZ:Podría construir un machina que vuela para un hombre con los lanzadores del cohete de las pieza adicionales.
CAPTION: I could build a one man flying vehicle with rocket launchers using the extra parts we have.
SHEILA:Great idea. Let's hide it in the cave, so they won't find it.
LOPEZ:Sí núm.
CAPTION: Agreed.
Cut to Future Church over a hill
FUTURE CHURCH:Well that felt good, I think we really connected. Now, what'm I gonna do about those teleporters...
Cut to Donut talking to Grif behind the Warthog
DONUT:Because that's the day I wash my underwear, and since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinking, where can I hang out with no pants on?
GRIF:Oh God!
FUTURE CHURCH:(messing with the red teleporter) Jesus, what's that guy babblin' about down there, I thought Tucker was annoying. Okay, concentrate, just one more adjustment to make on this teleporter and then we're done. Oh hey look, here comes Sheila and Lopez. Oh they, sure are coming fast... Hey they don't even seem to be stopping'. Uh oh.
TUCKER:Curses!
Sheila runs in to the Warthog... again
LOPEZ:(in flight) Ayayay... Frejoles.
Sheila runs in to the base, sending Future Church flying backwards
FUTURE CHURCH:Yow!
The teleporter short circuits
Cut to Future Church waking up after about 5 episodes of being unconscious, somehow undetected by the Reds
FUTURE CHURCH:Oh... What the hell happened? Where am I? When am I?
Cut to the Parabola of Mystery
TUCKER:Uh, Church, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
GHOST CHURCH:What?
TUCKER:I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle, just a side-note.
GHOST CHURCH:Okay fine, Triangle of Confusion, Rhombus of Terror, Parabola of Mystery, who cares!? Get the god damn show on the road!
TUCKER:Alright, alright, sorry.
FUTURE CHURCH:Oh no. The Parabola of Mystery! That means any second now Tucker's gonna get shot by O'Malley and then all hell's gonna break loose. Unless...
Cut to Sarge
SARGE:Simmons, Grif... We're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!
GRIF:Wait! I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can't we push dying to a week from friday?
SIMMONS:Yeah, let's all take dying as an open action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.
SARGE:No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (charges up the hill)
TUCKER:Wait everyone, stop fighting!
SARGE:Yeah, come on!
TUCKER:It's all a lie!
SARGE:Let's go! Haha
TUCKER:Red is blue! Blue is red!
SARGE:Yeah, kablammo!
TUCKER:We're all the same!
SARGE:Yeeekakakakakakakakakaka!
Future Church arrives at a random rocket launcher lying in the middle of the valley
FUTURE CHURCH:God I can't believe the Reds have this kind of hardware lying around and they're not even using it. (picks it up)
GHOST CHURCH:(in background) Tucker, you radio's giving too much feedback, shut it off!
FUTURE CHURCH:(homing in on O'Malley in the scooter) Ah, there he is. Mine now buddy.
Future Church fires a rocket at O'Malley, but misses and hits Tucker in the back
TUCKER:It's all the- Waaaaaa son of a bitch!
FUTURE CHURCH:WHAT THE HELL!? The targetting system on this thing doesn't work at all! Oh, so maybe that's why the Reds don't use it. That makes sense now.
DONUT:Oh my God. It's the Cave Devil. Run for your lives!
FUTURE CHURCH:Unh, maybe I'll just sit this one out. I'm pretty sure I know how it ends.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 52: Have We Met?

Fade in to Future Church watching Donut, Tex and Tucker before they go in the teleporter to Sidewinder
SHEILA:Good luck everyone, take care. I packed you all lunches for the trip.
TUCKER:Thanks Sheila, that was really nice of you.
DONUT:Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid.
SHEILA:Make sure to wash your exhaust pipes every day.
Tex runs through the teleporter, then Donut
TUCKER:Bye Sheila, we'll come back for you soon.
SHEILA:I'll be waiting.
Future Church runs across the Blue Base to Sheila
SHEILA:Church! I thought you left with Grif. Back already?
FUTURE CHURCH:I hate to tell you this Sheila, but none of us are comin' back. Is there any way I can take you with me? Maybe transfer your program in to a disk or something like that?
SHEILA:No sorry, but I'm hardwired in to this equipment. That's what happens when you're built by the lowest bidder.
FUTURE CHURCH:Yeah, tell me about it. There's just one more thing you can do for me before I say goodbye. It's the last thing I can do to hopefully set all this stuff right.
SHEILA:What is it?
FUTURE CHURCH:Okay, here's what I need you to do. (whispers) I need you to get out there, and I need you to wait off a real fricking wait,
SHEILA:Alright.
FUTURE CHURCH:and give it a thousand years or something like that, and then send a call.
SHEILA:You got it.
FUTURE CHURCH:Thanks Sheila. And uh, sorry that I blamed you for killing me all this time.
SHEILA:That's okay, I'm sorry I enjoyed blowing you up so much.
FUTURE CHURCH:Yeah I'm not sure it was necessary to tell me that. Anyway, I guess this is goodbye Sheila.
Future Church runs through the teleporter
SHEILA:Maybe I should shut down now, and save a little power.
Sheila power down, and the camera does a step by step pan back in a blatant attempt to signify the end of our time in Blood Gulch
Cut to Wyoming outside Past Church and Grif's cell
WYOMING:Ah yes, dear Tex. After I take care of your little friend Tucker, I'll be taking care of her as well.
PAST CHURCH:When I get outta here-
WYOMING:But you won't! Everyone here is dead now, noone even knows where you are. So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death. Hu huh, cheerio! (runs off)
Cut to Future Church at the cell's control console, with a sign saying "Note: Please don't release prisoners - Thanks, Mgt"
FUTURE CHURCH:Man, there is no way Grif can disarm that bomb. I better let him out of there and then go find Tex. She can shut it off.
Cut back to Past Church and Grif
GRIF:You should try showering in Cell Block C. Those guys are animals.
PAST CHURCH:Alright, here goes.
The gate rises, just like it did the last time
GRIF:You opened the doors, that wasn't scary at all.
PAST CHURCH:What, I didn't do that, somebody on the outside must have done it. Alright, let's go.
GRIF:Freedom! It smells so sweet! Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home.
FUTURE CHURCH:Alright, now to find Tex.
Cut to Wyoming and Tex, who's tied to a tree using rope bigger than your fucking arm
WYOMING:Sorry about this Alison, just following Omega's orders.
O'MALLEY:Wyoming, I need you to get in position. Don't forget that Vic fellow is giving us a bonus if we kill Tucker. Would really help fuel the whole "conspiracy theory" he's made up.
WYOMING:Right-O mate.
DOC:As the one person here who really does work for Red and Blue, I think what we're doing is despicable! O'Malley, can't you look in your heart and see that maybe if we do this right, that Red and Blue could work together? Maybe we could end this crazy war. Wouldn't that be great? Come on guys, let's live the dream!
O'MALLEY:I like the way wars end now. When one side's completely dead, and the other side wasting away in nucular winter.
DOC:It's pronounced 'nuclear.'
O'MALLEY:Oh shut up. Crying at the folley of their own hubrus!
DOC:Wars also end in treaties.
O'MALLEY:Aouwh, shut up already.
Cut to Future Church spying on everyone, like he's James Bond or something
FUTURE CHURCH:Come in, Tex. I need you to meet me in the middle of the canyon, right now. This is Church. Uh... I have money. Oh man, where is she?
Another Church approaches from behind the rock behind Future Church
FUTURER CHURCH:Psst! Hey, hey buddy! Hey!
FUTURE CHURCH:Huh? Who're you?
FUTURER CHURCH:Huh? Oh, I'm you. I'm just a different version of you. Yeah see, I keep trying to fix the bomb, just like you're doing, except I don't do it right, and I get blasted back in time. Then I come back, and try to fix everything all over again. I just wanna let you know, when you get back, meet us at the top of the ramp.
FUTURE CHURCH:Us, who's us? Back from where, what's goin' on?
Cut to Bomb Church during the countdown
PAST CHURCH:Man this blows, you guys suck.
Rocket launcher gets shot out of Tucker's hands
TUCKER:What the hell!?
WYOMING:Sorry Private Tucker, but I always get my man. Say goodbye mate.
SIMMONS:Uh guys, I hate to interrupt but, zero seconds.
TUCKER:Uh oh.
PAST CHURCH:What? Oh, son of a-
Halo explodes... again...
Cut back to Future Church leaving in episode 50
GARY: see you in a few hundred years.
FUTURE CHURCH:Computer, you've got to send me back!
GARY: to blood gulch? you just left.
FUTURE CHURCH:No no no not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder! Man I totally screwed everything up!
GARY: how?
FUTURE CHURCH:Well, I didn't keep the bomb from going off, so I just got blasted back here.
Future Church 2 pops in to place
FUTURE CHURCH 2:Yeah, me too.
FUTURE CHURCH:What the-
FUTURE CHURCH 2:Let me just put it this way pal.
More Churches start popping in to place. One of them's yellow
FUTURE CHURCH 2:Your next plan? Goes about as well as the first one does.
The Churches continue popping in to place and fill the room
GARY: uh oh.
Cut to many many many Churches talking amongst themselves at the top of the ramp
FUTURE CHURCH:(running up the ramp) What the hell is all of this?
FUTURE CHURCH 2:Oh, here he is. Late again.
FUTURE CHURCH:Who are you guys?
FUTURE CHURCH 2:We're you, dumbass! We just keep screwing up and getting blown back to the computer terminal. Then we teleport here to try again.
FUTURE CHURCH 4:I know that man, you told me last time.
FUTURE CHURCH 2:I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the new you!
FUTURE CHURCH 4:Oh, right, sorry about that I'm still gettin' used to all this.
FUTURE CHURCH 9:Dumbass.
FUTURE CHURCH 4:Hey, shut up.
FUTURE CHURCH:How did all you guys screw up?
FUTURE CHURCH 2:Well, when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us, I tried to explain the situation to everybody, and oddly, Caboose was really the only person who understood it right away. Anyway, by the time I finished answering questions the bomb went off and I got sent back in time.
FUTURE CHURCH 3:Right, then I teleported back to Sidewinder, and thought, if I could shoot Wyoming, before he shoots Tucker, then I can fix everything. But I shot Wyoming, then Tucker shot me with the rocket launcher, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time.
FUTURE CHURCH 4:And then I teleported back, and just decided to kill everybody that I could see.
FUTURE CHURCH:Why did you do that?
FUTURE CHURCH 4:I dunno, seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for a while.
FUTURE CHURCH:Well, what did you do?
YELLOW CHURCH:Dude, don't ask. Trust me, it, it didn't work.
FUTURE CHURCH 72:So now we all come back here beforehand to discuss what we did, and see if we can collectively come up with a better plan beforehand.
FUTURE CHURCH 4:You said beforehand twice.
FUTURE CHURCH:Oh. Well in that case, what I was thinking about doing was-
FUTURE CHURCHES:That won't work.
FUTURE CHURCH:Hey I got it, who's the last Church?
FUTURE CHURCH 4:Huh?
FUTURE CHURCH:Which one of you, is the latest version of me?
FUTURE CHURCH N:Um, I guess that would be me. I've already tried all the stuff that all these other guys have done, even him, so, I guess that makes me the latest version.
FUTURE CHURCH:Well that must mean you're the one that gets it right then.
FUTURE CHURCH N:What do you mean?
FUTURE CHURCH:Well, if you're the last Church, you must be the one that fixes everything. Otherwise, there'd be a thousand other Churches here, still trying to get it right.
FUTURE CHURCH N:I see.
FUTURE CHURCH:Wait, why am I explaining this to you? If you're the latest Church, then you've been me, explaining this to you already.
FUTURE CHURCH N:Uh yeah, I know, I just didn't wanna steal my own thunder. I thought it was a pretty good idea.
FUTURE CHURCHES:Thanks!
FUTURE CHURCH 872:Thanks.
FUTURE CHURCH N:Okay, well I'm gonna go do whatever it is that fixes all this, wish me luck guys.
FUTURE CHURCH:What're you gonna do?
FUTURE CHURCH N:You know what? I'm just gonna go free Tex, and wing it. 'Cause every time I've made a plan, it's fallen apart. I figure, why not just improvise.
Future Church n runs off towards destiny... down the hall
FUTURE CHURCH 2:So what did you do?
YELLOW CHURCH:Oh man, seemed like such a good idea at the time.
Cut to Tex back on Sidewinder
TEX:Church! O'Malley and Wyoming tied me up. Get me outta here!
FUTURE CHURCH N-17:You got it. Wait a second, would this be a good thing, or a bad thing?
TEX:How is setting me free a bad thing?
FUTURE CHURCH N-17:I'm not sure. If I set you free, will you promise not to get close to me?
TEX:I'm already close to you.
FUTURE CHURCH N-17:No no not me me, the other me me, the one with the bomb.
TEX:What?
Enter Future Church n stage left
FUTURE CHURCH N:Oh right, I forgot, I already set Tex free one of the other times. Oh sweet, then that means I'm the guy that interrupts me, and then confuses Tex.
TEX:I'm totally confused.
FUTURE CHURCH N:Oh don't worry Tex, I'm just supposed to tell him that it's okay to set Tex free.
FUTURE CHURCH N-17:It is?
FUTURE CHURCH N:Well, that's what I said to me when I was you, and it seemed to work out okay.
TEX:Seriously, this is really confusing.
FUTURE CHURCH N-17:Okay, you're free Tex. Now to execute the second part of my plan. I'm gonna possess Lopez, and then use his lightning machine to defuse the bomb. Seeya! (runs off)
FUTURE CHURCH N:Good luck! (to Tex) Yeah, that's totally not gonna work. Tex, I recommend you get down there, and try to defuse the bomb that's in Church's stomach. I think you're about the only one here that can do it. And Tex? The one thing I didn't realize before was this. Maybe I'm the last Church not because I fix everything, but because I died and there's no way I can come back. And if that happens, I just wanna let you know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got you mixed up in all this stupid stuff. I'm sorry I wasn't a better guy than I should've been. I'm sorry for... fwell, for a lot of stuff. ...But, if we do survive this, then it's totally because of me, and you should build a fucking statue in my honor.
Tex runs off
FUTURE CHURCH N:I'm serious! Somethin' cool. Like me on a horse! No no no wait, a motorcycle!
Cut to Tucker getting the rocket launcher shot out of his hands for the n+1th time
TUCKER:What the hell!?
WYOMING:Sorry Private Tucker but I always get my man. Say goodbye mate.
SIMMONS:Uh guys? I hate to interrupt, but, zero seconds.
TUCKER:Uh oh.
Future Church n approaches from behind Caboose
CABOOSE:Church!
FUTURE CHURCH N:What can I tell you dipshit. For better or for worse, I'm back.
Halo explodes, yet again, and we fade in to Sarge going ape-shit about the bomb
SARGE:We're all gonna die, starting with Grif! Everyone, get ready to kiss yer ass goodbye! Simmons, you can have the honor of kissing mine.
Future Church n, who for the sake of convenience shall simply be called Church from this point forward, pops in to existence and drops down behind Caboose
CHURCH:Hey everybody, what's up?
CABOOSE:I am so happy that you made it in time to die with me. We will get to be smithereens together!
CHURCH:That won't be necessary, Caboose. Hey Gary how ya doin'?
The computer in the future ends up being Gary, and returns to the green text
GARY: not bad. although my static ion sub-matrix is a little itchy.
SIMMONS:The computer can talk?
GRIF:The computer's name is Gary?
GARY: how have you been, church?
CHURCH:Good, thanks for asking. Listen, would you do me a favor? Could you shut off the bomb please.
GARY: no problem.
The bomb defuses at 0:01, just like all good television bombs do
SARGE:Gahr, you mean to tell me you could have turned off the bomb this whole time, and you didn't say so? And don't say I didn't-
GARY: you didn't ask.
SARGE:Ehr, ferkin derglers.
CHURCH:Man, it is really great to see you guys.
TUCKER:You seem like you're in a good mood.
CHURCH:I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem-
CABOOSE:They could be worse.
CHURCH:Nope, no matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.
CABOOSE:Where have you been?
CHURCH:You want the long version or the short version?
CABOOSE:I will take the easy version please.
TUCKER:Oh I wanna hear the long version. But can you tell me in three parts?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 53: Let's Come to Order

Fade in to the blues, with Tucker holding the weapon of mass destruction
CHURCH:You got this thing where?
TUCKER:Right up there.
CABOOSE:So... You went back in time, and didn't change... anything.
CHURCH:Uh yeah, I was just like a, passive observer.
CABOOSE:I would have tried to save your life. ...For me!
CHURCH:Yeah I didn't think of that. Hey, Tucker I don't think it's a good idea that you're keeping that thing.
TUCKER:You're just pissed because you don't have one.
CHURCH:No, you must have me confused with Tex. She's been staring at you non-stop since you found that thing.
Cut to Tex staring at the weapon like it's the last piece of cheesecake
TEX:...That's not true.
CHURCH:You haven't taken your eyes off it.
TEX:Yes I have.
CHURCH:Then why haven't you looked at me the entire time I've been talkin'?
TEX:I'm looking at you right now. (still looking at the sword)
CHURCH:Nu-hoh you're not!
TEX:I've already seen you. Not too impressed.
CABOOSE:I would have tried to save Tex, too...
CHURCH:Well I didn't Caboose, I didn't try to save me, I didn't try to save Tex, and I sure as hell didn't make millions of copies of myself trying to keep the bomb from goin' off.
CABOOSE:Oh. Because that was my next suggestion.
CHURCH:Leave me alone, Caboose. I didn't wanna mess with the timeline.
CABOOSE:Time, line? Time isn't made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round.
TEX:Man, that thing is really shiny.
TUCKER:Yep.
CHURCH:Tucker man, I still think- computer told me that thing is a very important relic, for some ancient culture. I wouldn't go swinging it around like that.
TUCKER:Yeah? Well I think it's just a kickass piece of bling. And who're you gonna believe, me, or some super-smart stupid talking computer?
Cut to Sarge addressing Grif and Simmons
SARGE:Men, thanks for meeting on short notice. And so covertly.
GRIF:No problem. I had to move my lunch with the Pope, but uh, he was cool with it. He owes me. I helped him pick the hat.
SIMMONS:Shut up.
SARGE:I don't want the blues finding out about this meeting, so I want us all to agree here and now we're gonna keep this between ourselves.
GRIF:Sir I don't know if you've noticed, but we're not exactly buddy-buddy with those guys anyway.
SIMMONS:Eh, I'm not really in the market for new friends. I'm not sure that I'm happy with the current crop.
GRIF:No offense Sarge.
SARGE:Grif, tell us what you discovered on the radio.
GRIF:Me!?
SIMMONS:Um, actually I'm the one who heard the distress signal.
SARGE:Uh huh, see I thought-
GRIF:Yeah, I can't use the radio.
SIMMONS:Yeah, I discovered the distress signal. That was me.
SARGE:I don't know how I got that mixed up.
SIMMONS:It's okay sir, as long as everyone's clear, who heard it first.
SARGE:Sorry about that Simmons.
GRIF:Why do you care?
SIMMONS:No really sir, it's no problem. I think it's important to get proper credit when some of us are working hard discovering distress signals on the Warthog's radio, while others are hanging out in the back seat, monkeying about!
GRIF:Okay, first off, monkeying about? And secondly, I don't think listening to the radio classifies as working. And thirdly, monkeying about? Come on, dude.
SIMMONS:It's a real phrase.
GRIF:Bullshit, that's what you said about horse-doodling.
SIMMONS:People say it all the time.
GRIF:What people.
SIMMONS:Oh lots of people, all the time. But nobody you would know.
SARGE:No need to get upset fellas, I think we're all clear now. Simmons is the one who heard the distress signal, and Grif was the one monkeying around.
SIMMONS:About.
SARGE:Say who now?
SIMMONS:Monkeying, about.
GRIF:Yeah, people say it all the time sir, you'll wanna get it right. Otherwise you'll sound like a jackass.
SARGE:Can we please get back to the purpose of this meeting!?
GRIF:Yeah, what is the purpose exactly?
SARGE:I wanted Simmons to tell us he heard a distress signal on the radio. Okay, go ahead Simmons.
SIMMONS:... Uhm, I heard a disress signal, while listening to the radio.
GRIF:I know, I was in the car with you when you heard it. In fact, why are we even having this meeting? Everyone here already knows you heard a distress signal on the radio.
SARGE:I just wanna make sure everyone is on the same page.
GRIF:Same page? There's only one page! You know what the page says? Simmons heard a God damn distress call on the radio, the end.
SIMMONS:Oh look, down there at the bottom it also says P.S. Grif was monkeying about.
GRIF:Well I can see why we don't have lots of meetings, the only person who doesn't know is Donut, and he's not even here!
SARGE:That's because I asked Donut to distract the blues so we could have this secret meeting.
Cut to Donut distracting the blues. Tex is still staring at the weapon
DONUT:And that's the story of how I saved Christmas!
CABOOSE:I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything.
TUCKER:Yeah, and I don't think Santa's suit is a leather biker's outfit.
CHURCH:Hey wait a second, why are we letting this pink guy distract us?
DONUT:I'm not distracting you.
CHURCH:Yeah you are, while we're sitting here jabbering the reds are over there monkeying about!
DONUT:yes!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 54: Hello My Name is Andrew

Fade in to Tex overlooking the Reds
TEX:See? They're down there, messing with the radio.
CHURCH:Oh, so that's what they're doin'.
TEX:Yeah. They must be plotting something.
CHURCH:Or, maybe they're just listening to the radio.
TEX:I know plotting when I see it. That's plotting.
TUCKER:Maybe they're scheming.
TEX:No scheming looks different. That's definitely plotting. They're gonna try something.
TUCKER:Why? I already told them Red and Blue are the same, it's all a conspiracy.
CHURCH:And I told you that's not true. Vic just made it up to confuse us.
TUCKER:That just means he's part of the conspiracy.
CHURCH:But he's the one that told you Red and Blue are the same.
TUCKER:Exactly.
CHURCH:Wait are, are you talking about a conspiracy that Red and Blue are the same, or a conspiracy that Red and Blue are different?
TUCKER:Exactly.
CHURCH:You just keep saying exactly, do you have a theory or don't you?
TEX:Look, I don't care about Red, or Blue. All I know, is that those guys are up to something down there.
TUCKER:Maybe they're planning to use the radio to beam secret messages to the fillings in my teeth.
CHURCH:Secret messages about what!?
TUCKER:Exactly.
CABOOSE:They are probably trying to tune in to the distress signal they heard on the radio.
CHURCH:What makes you say that?
CABOOSE:Oh, I know all the details. They were in their car, the Boss Hogg, when Simmin, heard a distress signal, on, the radio, and Gruff was in the back seat. With a monkey.
TUCKER:Hmm, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that some of that is wrong.
CHURCH:How do you know all this Caboose?
CABOOSE:Andy told me.
CHURCH:Andy, who's Andy? Are you, are you Andy?
TUCKER:I'm not Andy, I'm Tucker.
CHURCH:Not, I know, what's your first name?
TUCKER:Lavernius.
CHURCH:Lavernius, well then who's this Andy g- wait a second... are you black?
TUCKER:Me?
CHURCH:Yeah.
TUCKER:Does it matter?
CHURCH:No. I'm just curious.
TUCKER:Well if it doesn't matter then why are you curious?
CHURCH:I don't know, I guess that's just something I should have picked up on after all this time.
TUCKER:You know what else you should have picked up on? My fucking first name!
Cut to the Reds, with Gruff Grif sitting in the Hogg
DISTRESS SIGNAL:Distress, distress, help, we don't need any more distress, distress, whoah man, it's a lot of distress.
SIMMONS:That's all it says, it doesn't even say where or who.
SARGE:We know who it is, it's on the Red Army open channel! That means the Reds have survived in to the future. Doncha see what this means?
GRIF:Hughhhhhhh, that we have absolutely no hope of ever getting out of this army.
SARGE:No, it means we must have beaten the Blues! Otherwise there wouldn't be any Reds left. Finally, victory is ours! Wait a minute, this means I missed the entire war, aw dammit!
GRIF:Yeah, everything must be great. That's why they sent out a distress signal.
DONUT:Maybe it's not a distress signal. Maybe it's a distress signal. Maybe it's an open invitation to some formal ball!
GRIF:Oh-kay, let's go with Sarge's version.
SARGE:Simmons, have you tracked the source?
SIMMONS:Well Sir, all I can tell is the direction, I have no idea how far it is.
SARGE:Why not? I thought you were our Unofficial Science Officer.
SIMMONS:That just means I'm smart. If you want me to multiply two big numbers in my head, that I can do. But I can't measure radio signals with no equipment!
GRIF:What's thirty-two times, fifty-six?
SIMMONS:Thirty-one thousand, four hundred fifty-two.
SARGE:Is that right?
SIMMONS:Yes.
SARGE:That's pretty impressive.
SIMMONS:Eh, you know, it's a gift.
Cut to a shot of the unexploded bomb, and Caboose talking to the Blues
CABOOSE:This, is Andy. Andy this is Tex, and Tucker. Uh, the black one is Tex, and the other black one is Tucker.
TUCKER:Andy's the bomb?
CABOOSE:Uhhh, Andy prefers the term "Explosive American."
TUCKER:Are you making fun of me?
CABOOSE:He told me all about what the Reds are up to. Didn't you Andy...
ANDY:...
CABOOSE:Yes. -and then we talked about, all our adventures, did you know that he used to know Sheila? Isn't that right Andy?
ANDY:...
TUCKER:Ehm, Caboose, are you hearing the bomb talk right now?
CABOOSE:Say something Andy. You are embarassing me in front of my friends.
TEX:Caboose, I think you're losing it.
TUCKER:Also I wouldn't really call us 'friends,' we're more like acquaintances or, people who work with other people they hate.
Cut to Church talking with Gary
CHURCH:Gary, I need you to tell me some more about the Alien race that needs Tucker's sword.
GARY: i do not know anything about them.
CHURCH:You don't know anything about the Aliens that programmed you?
GARY: correct. instead they filled all my memory banks with information about the great destroyer and his race.
CHURCH:You mean Humans.
GARY: that is not what they call you. but correct.
CHURCH:Why, what do they call us?
GARY: ...shisno.
CHURCH:That's an insult, isn't it.
GARY: perhaps this can best be explained in the form of a knock knock joke.
CHURCH:(sigh)
GARY: knock knock.
CHURCH:Who's there.
GARY: you are
CHURCH:You are who.
GARY: you are a dirty dirty shisno. ha ha ha.
CHURCH:Alright, what does it mean?
GARY: what is the most foul-smelling animal on your planet?
CHURCH:Uhm, a skunk. Wait so Shisno means skunk?
GARY: not exactly. does a skunk defecate?
CHURCH:Yes...
GARY: and does the skunk's defecation in turn produce its own excrement?
CHURCH:Ew, no!
GARY: then there is no equivalent for shisno in your language.
CHURCH:Gross.
GARY: like you would not believe.
CHURCH:Hey, does that bomb, ever talk to you?
GARY: the bomb? no. never.
CHURCH:Yeah, I didn't think so.
GARY: andy and i are not on speaking terms right now.
CHURCH:Heh heh yeah. Wait, Andy?
GARY: correct. he is kind of a jerk.
ANDY:I'm not the jerk, you're the jerk, jerk!
GARY: that was very rude.
ANDY:Ah, shut up ya Shisno!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 55: Defusing the Situation

Fade in to the Blues
TUCKER:You're trying to tell us that this bomb can talk.
CABOOSE:I'm not telling you that, he's telling you that.
ANDY:Yeah, and I'm standing right here. You can talk to me.
TUCKER:If you could talk this whole time, then why didn't you just... wait, why'm I talking to a bomb? I'm not doing this.
ANDY:What, am I not good enough to talk to? Who do you think you are, some kind of "too good to talk to a bomb" type?
CHURCH:Maybe it's a good idea not to piss off the explosive device.
TEX:I agree.
CHURCH:I wasn't talking about you Tex.
TEX:Hey, why don't you suck my -
TUCKER:Did Gary say anything about the bomb being able to talk?
CHURCH:Uh, just that this whole place is going to be destroyed by us, and that Andy here is probably the thing that does it.
TUCKER:Oh. That's not good.
ANDY:I don't think so. Bunch of shisnos if ya ask me. And noone did ask me which I find insulting!
CHURCH:Alright, alright calm down Andy, calm down.
ANDY:Don't tell me to calm down, I am calm!
CHURCH:Caboose, calm this thing down before it has a meltdown.
ANDY:(under Church) Look at me! I'm calm!
CABOOSE:Andy, everyone here is your friend. And noone wants to hurt you.
ANDY:Yeah right.
CABOOSE:Come on Andy, think of a happy place. Now what makes you happy?
ANDY:Being in the middle of a huge explosion!
CHURCH:Less happy place Caboose, less happy place.
CABOOSE:Ah u... think calming thoughts, uh... let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight-
TEX AND  TUCKER:NO!
CHURCH:(at the same time) Duck!
Cut to the Reds, Simmons in the Warthog and Grif next to it
SIMMONS:Okay. I'm ninety-five percent certain that the distress signal is coming from that way.
SARGE:Excellent work Simmons. Alright men... and Grif. Let's get ready to roll.
GRIF:Only ninety-five percent certain?
SIMMONS:Grif, if there's one thing that I've learned in working with you?, it's that there's always margin for error.
SARGE:Excellent comeback Simmons. That's a burn.
SIMMONS:Thank you Sir.
GRIF:Har har. Look who's so smart. It's pronounced margarine dumbass.
SIMMONS:Seriously, if I ever meet the guy that assigned you to our squad, I'm gonna kill him.
GRIF:Well if you're ninety-five percent certain it's that way, which way's the other five percent?
SIMMONS:Whaddaya think, all the other directions.
GRIF:Then I think that's the way we should go.
SIMMONS:You might be, the dumbest person I have ever met.
GRIF:And I think you're just covering your ass.
DONUT:(running up) Hey Sarge!
SIMMONS:What? I'm not covering my ass, you're the one trying to cover yours!
GRIF:No way.
SARGE:Stop arguing you two. Simmons isn't covering his ass, and Grif certainly isn't coverin' his. Noone's ass is being covered. Got it? Donut, whadda you want?
DONUT:Uh... is that a trick question?
SARGE:Donut...
DONUT:Well, I was up on the windmill again, and I think I found a route we can take outta here.
SARGE:Great! Simmons, load up. Donut, you back up Simmons.
DONUT:Yes Sir, okey dokey.
SARGE:Grif, you get in the base and distract the Blues while we get ready to leave.
SIMMONS:You're sending Grif?
GRIF:Mokay, be right back.
SIMMONS:Grif!? Don't you remember the last time you sent him to distract Command during our surprise inspection? He told them we were all in the base doing last minute cleaning, because we all had Cholera, and we were in quarantine for a month. My ass still hurts from all the shots we got.
DONUT:Yeah, you could say that again, mine hurts too!
SIMMONS:You weren't even there, Donut.
DONUT:Oh. I thought we were just sharing stuff.
GRIF:(from near the base) Wait a second, you guys better not just be sending me so you can run off once I'm inside!
SARGE:Of course not moron, now hurry up!
Grif enters the base
SARGE:Okay, everybody in the jeep.
Cut to Grif entering the base, evesdropping on the Blues
CABOOSE:You are in a cool river, where noone disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.
TEX:Breathe in through your nose (takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (takes a breath), and out through the mouth.
CHURCH:Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?
GARY: hey andy, knock knock.
ANDY:Who's there.
GARY: inner peace and serenity.
ANDY:I already heard that one.
Grif backs cautiously out of the base of crazy people, and returns to the Reds
SARGE:And when we get there, we'll radio Command and say we need a replacement, because we have absolutely no idea what happend to- oh Grif!
SIMMONS:What're you doing back so soon? That was the shortest distraction of all time.
SARGE:What's wrong? What were the Blues doing?
GRIF:You know? I can honestly say I have no idea what I just saw. Can I quit the army now? Seriously, I think I've seen everything I need to see at this point.
SARGE:If only I could make that happen dirtbag.
GRIF:I mean it, just tell me where to turn in my gun, I'm done.
Camera zips around the terrain, through some nooks and one cranny, to the Lopez head and a robot army
LOPEZ:Venga a mi ejército robotico.
CAPTION: Come my robot army.
LOPEZ:Ahora es la día de nuestra victoria glorioso.
CAPTION: Today is the day of our glorious victory.
O'MALLEY:Huhuhuhahaha. Careful you fools, I need the device in tact, muhahahahahahahaha. Now kill all those fools! And those fools over there. And, those fools. Leave no fool left unkilled. This army has a no fool discrimination clause, muahaha.
DOC:I like that we have a no fool discrimination clause. It makes us progressive!
O'MALLEY:Shut up you fool.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 56: Calm Before the Storm

Fade in to Simmons talking to Sarge from the safe confines of the Warthog
SIMMONS:Okay, so let me get this straight... they were talking, to the bomb.
GRIF:Dude, I don't know. They mentioned something about candles and a bubble bath, and they were playing some kind of a New Age CD. It's like a Yanni fan club meeting.
SARGE:That makes no sense at all. Did you wanna translate for us Pinky Pants?
PINKY PAN-DONUT:My guess is that they're trying to get the bomb to do something for 'em.
SIMMONS:And all that sweet talk and candles will work on a bomb.
DONUT:It would work on me!
SARGE:Doncha see what they're tryin' to do?
GRIF:No. Isn't that the point of this conversation?
SARGE:The Blues are obviously trying to coax the bomb in to rearming. They're about to launch an attack. On us!
GRIF:Why would they do that?
SARGE:Because they're Blues. Somebody get this kid the manual.
SIMMONS:Oh-ho, I hate the Blues.
SARGE:That's the spirit Simmons.
Cut to several Lopezes in formation
O'MALLEY:Hoohoohoohohahaha. And now the hour is at hand. It is time, my robot minions.
DOC:He means robot miniones. Where's your cultural sensitivity?
O'MALLEY:Oh shut up. At last, we will sieze our destiny!
DOC:Do we really have to sieze destiny? Can't we just invite it to join our online circle of friends?
O'MALLEY:Quiet you fool. And quit sending me those invites. They're repulsive. Prepare for battle! We will break upon their fortress like an evil wind!
DOC:Oh.
O'MALLEY:Crushing a repair a dent of lightning speed! Attack!
ROBOT ARMY:Charge.
The Robot Army starts walking slowly forward
O'MALLEY:You there, hurry along. And you in the back. Eu- Lopez, can't you speed them up?
LOPEZ:E esta es la velocidad máxima.
CAPTION: This is their maximum velocity.
O'MALLEY:This isn't what I asked for.
LOPEZ:Dices des qué quieras esta día de victoria.
CAPTION: You said you wanted a day of victory.
LOPEZ:A este velocidad, va pasar veinte cuatro horas para ganar.
CAPTION: At this speed, they will win in exactly 24 hours.
O'MALLEY:Heuh...
A ROBOT:Charge.
Cut to the Blues
CHURCH:So we cool here?
TUCKER:I think we're finally calmed down.
CABOOSE:Yes. We are all better now, we are not mad, and we are definitely not thinking about exploding at all any more.
ANDY:Hey, are you talkin' about me?
CHURCH:What? No, course not. We just wanna make sure that we're all happy, and that we're not upset in any way whatsoever.
ANDY:Don't say "we", you really mean me. I mean, you, which in this case, is me.
CHURCH:No no no, uh, we're uh, talking about Tex.
TEX:Excuse me?
CHURCH:(whispering to Tex) Hey, you wanna die in an explosion? Play along. (To Andy) Yeah, um... I don't know if you've noticed but she's uh... she's kind of a bitch. Isn't that right Tex.
TEX:Church...
ANDY:I don't know...
TUCKER:Come on Tex.
TEX:Yes. We're talking about me.
ANDY:Sounds like you're patronizing me.
TEX:No really, it's me, I'm a bitch.
CHURCH:Heh heh, keep going.
TEX:And I need to be calmed down all the time.
CHURCH:Or what happens?
TEX:Or, else I get so mad, I kill people on my own team.
CHURCH:...I see your point.
CABOOSE:Tell him about the moodiness. And the crankiness.
TUCKER:Also mention that you like to punch people in the head while they sleep.
CABOOSE:That was you!? I thought the Tooth Fairy was mad at me.
ANDY:Well, she sounds like a real handful.
TEX:Alright listen you little noob firecracker.
CHURCH:Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! See what I mean Andy? Volatile.
TEX:I am so gonna remember this Church.
CABOOSE:You should sleep with your pillow on top. Of your head. Tonight.
CHURCH:Yes, that's very funny, make all the threats you want. As long as everyone is calm, and peaceful, and there's nothing else to make us excited, I don't care.
Explosions happen outside the base behind him
O'MALLEY:(from outside) Attack, my robot minions.
CHURCH:I could almost feel that coming, right as I finished the sentence.
A large explosion happens, and clears to reveal the Reds
SARGE:What the hell was that?
SIMMONS:It sounded like a huge explosion!
SARGE:Chantilly lace! That means the Blues have rearmed the bomb.
GRIF:Wait, they rearmed it and it exploded. Isn't that good for us?
SARGE:Grif, don't interrupt me when I'm leading in a battle situation!
GRIF:...We're in battle?
SARGE:Course we are, now get ready for your orders. Donut!
DONUT:Yes Sir.
SARGE:Scream like a woman!
DONUT:Can do! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! (Runs wildly and continues screaming through the rest of the episode. See below)
SARGE:Grif!
GRIF:What.
SARGE:Prepare to sacrifice yourself to save a nearby superior officer.
GRIF:I don't think I've been trained on that.
SARGE:Simmons, kiss ass at will.
SIMMONS:You're both an excellent leader, and a handsome man Sir.
SARGE:Excellent work Simmons. Incoming.
Sarge and Grif duck, and a rocket shoots over their heads
SARGE:Grif, you're up.
GRIF:Permission to assist Donut, Sir.
SARGE:Permission denied. Continue with Operation Meatshield. Remember, just 'cause your bones are broken doesn't mean they won't stop bullets from hitting me! Now get out there.
SIMMONS:Good call Sir!
SARGE:You're on your way to a medal, Simmons. In fact, medals all the way around. Purple Heart for Grif, Pink Heart for Donut, and a Brown Nose for Simmons.
*** Donut's womanly screams ***
DONUT:Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! We're all gonna die! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, wahaaaaaaaaah whooooooooo hoo hoooooooooooo, whoaa noooooo, whahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa, gonna die, we're gonna die, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... (inhale) Ahhhhhhhhhhh, we're all gonna die, can't someone help me, won't someone help me, whoaohhhhhhhhhhh, help me somebody... I'm too young to die, I'm too pretty to die... I haven't even seen Paris yet!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Episode 57: The Storm

Fade in to the fan in front of the base, which the Robot Army (eventually) walks past
ROBOT ARMY:Charge.
O'MALLEY:Hu hu hoh, for God's sake. Will you hurry up! Lopez, I'm disappointed in your work. These minions are much too slow.
LOPEZ:Creo que esta moviéndro muy bien.
CAPTION: I think they are moving along nicely.
O'MALLEY:You fool! You don't even have legs, and you still got up here faster than them!
LOPEZ:Usted es los cerebros en esta operación. Yo no mas soy el músculo.
CAPTION: Hey, you're the brains in this operation. I'm just the brawn.
DOC:They may be slow, but their posture is excellent!
O'MALLEY:Huhhg...
DOC:A for effort, Lopez!
Cut to Sarge
SARGE:I think they're distracted. Let's use this chance to slip away.
SIMMONS:Great idea, Sir. I have a lock on the distress signal. We can head right for it.
SARGE:Good thinking Simmons. Everybody in the jeep.
SIMMONS:Shotgun!
GRIF:Shotgun! Fuck.
DONUT:Shotgun's lap!
SIMMONS:Fuck!
SARGE:There's just no room for four people. Someone will have to jog alongside. Grif?
GRIF:Jog? What's that?
SIMMONS:It's like running slowly, dear God you don't know what jogging means?
GRIF:Yeah, you lost me at running. Sorry, it's not in my contract.
DONUT:Oh, don't worry, I'll do it. Just give me one second while I put my jogging shorts on.
GRIF:Wait. I wanna reconsider.
DONUT:Who wants to hold my ankles while I stretch out my hammies?
SARGE:Noone's fallin' for that twice, Donut.
Cut to Tex peering out a window at the Robot Army
TEX:Alright, I think I can take 'em. I just need a better weapon.
TUCKER:Want me to help you find one?
TEX:Mm, why don't you just give me your sword?
TUCKER:No way, I can see right through your little ploy. You just want me to give you the sword.
TEX:That's what I just said.
TUCKER:Yeah, but it's the way you said it.
TEX:You know, it's a good thing that that sword doesn't run on brainpower. Oh my God, Tucker, look! Hot chicks.
TUCKER:Nice try, you just want me to turn around so you can knock me out and take the sword.
TEX:Now the hot girls are makin' out.
TUCKER:Okay, that's worth the risk. (turns around) Eauhw, crap.
Tex hits Tucker from behind and knocks him out, just like she planned
Cut to Caboose talking with Andy... the bomb
CABOOSE:Just stay calm Andy... everything will be fine.
ANDY:I'm okay, really. I like explosions. You on the other hand look a little nervous.
CABOOSE:You know, I always get a little nervous during battles. ...I think it's 'cause we never win.
ANDY:Eh, don't sweat it. If they get in the base, I'll just explode and kill everybody.
CABOOSE:Wouldn't that kill us too... Andy?
ANDY:Hey. You can't make an omelette without blowin' up a few eggs.
CABOOSE:... ... ... ... ... I like eggs.
ANDY:Me too.
Cut to Church talking to Gary
CHURCH:Gary, is it possible that the Great Destroyer could be an entire army of people?
GARY: no, the great destroyer is a single person who will come to claim the great weapon.
CHURCH:Yeah, that's great.
GARY: prepare, one and all. the fulfillment of the great prophecy is at hand.
CHURCH:So you have no good news for me today.
GARY: orange you glad i didn't say banana?
Cut to the Reds' jeep careening under bare minimum control down a really gradual slope behind a robot
SARGE:Let's go men.
GRIF:One of them's following us.
SARGE:We're going too slow. We have to leave someone behind.
GRIF:Not it.
SIMMONS:Not it.
DONUT:What? No way! You're leaving me behind?
SARGE:Sorry Donut, but military law is very clear in regard to the "not it" methodology for making decisions.
DONUT:Aw man, there's still so much about the army I don't understand.
GRIF:Here he comes!
SARGE:Donut, you hide here and wait for the guy tailing us. Then when he passes, shoot him square in the back and watch him die. Just like John Wayne would have done.
GRIF:Hurry up guys, he's getting closer! No wait, no he, yeah he is getting closer. No, yes!
DONUT:All this retreating, and shooting people in the back, doesn't sound very noble.
SARGE:We're not retreating, we're advancing! Towards future victory!
DONUT:How'm I gonna find you guys?
SIMMONS:Just follow the distress signal to its source, you'll find us there.
DONUT:But I don't have a way to track it!
SARGE:... Excellent point Donut.
The jeep drives off, thoughtfully carrying Sarge, Grif and Simmons with it
DONUT:Thank you Sir. Ohh... (sigh) (lip smacking sounds as he watches the robot painfully slowly advance) (that "I'm waiting..." kind of humming) Uhh, God. Well, I've got some time.
Cut to the robot army shooting one at a time at ...something
ROBOT 4:Attack.
ROBOT 1:Attack.
ROBOT 3:Attack.
O'MALLEY:(evil laugh) Fastar! Fastar! Pathetic. Lopez! How do I say faster in Spanish?
LOPEZ:Como dice socero, socero. Socero socero socero, cerocero.
O'MALLEY:Yes... So okay... What? Okay, got it.
O'MALLEY:Huhuh, soy un pendejo púrpuras que gusta tomar aceite.
CAPTION: Hey everyone! I am a purple jerk and I love to drink motor oil.
O'MALLEY:That was rather looong to mean hurry up.
LOPEZ:Es una lengua muy poética.
CAPTION: It's a very poetic language.
DONUT:(arriving behind a rock or something) Oh man, it's that creepy dude! I wonder why he's insulting himself.
DONUT:Qué curioso.
CAPTION: How strange.
DONUT:Ooh, the motorcycle!
O'MALLEY:Mi cola es muy grande. Y mi gusta frotar mi cola. Y quiero oler mi cola e también besar, a mi cola.
CAPTION: My butt is very big. And I like to rub my own butt. And I like to sniff my own butt and kiss my own butt.
O'MALLEY:Are you sure cola means evil?
LOPEZ:Jefe, alguien está robandro su vehículo.
CAPTION: Hey boss, someone is stealing your vehicle.
O'MALLEY:Ueuh, drat! I only had two payments left!
LOPEZ:¿Tiene aseguran da?
CAPTION: Do you have insurance on it?
O'MALLEY:Of course not. It's a scam.
LOPEZ:¿Por que? Vivimos en un barrio muy mal.
CAPTION: Why not? We live in a bad neighborhood.
O'MALLEY:Of course we live in a bad neighborhood. We're evil doers! We're what makes the neighborhood bad.
Cut to Church
CHURCH:Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?
TUCKER:Uhhhh, mmm, huh, damn. Okay, new rule. We start rotating knockouts. Next time, it's your turn.
CHURCH:Hey good idea. And next time Caboose decides he wants to go around team killing, you can take that one.
TUCKER:Maybe we should all stick to what we know best.
CHURCH:Hey, where's your weapon?
TUCKER:Do you think she knocked me out for fun? This isn't Tuesday dude, she took it!
CHURCH:Oh man, this is not gonna be good.
Cut to some shadowy form walking to the edge of a cliff overlooking the robot army
ROBOT 7:Attack.
A plasma grenade lands on the middle robot
ROBOT 4:Un arañ--
CAPTION: Hey! A spid--
The grenade explodes, with the expected result
O'MALLEY:What was that!?
DOC:Uh oh.
More plasma grenades take out the rest of the robot army. Conveniently cut to Gary
GARY: the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near.
Cut to O'Malley and Lopez hiding behind rocks
O'MALLEY:Lopez, do you see anything?
LOPEZ:No, mas robotesas muertas. Mi ejército hermosa destruyó.
CAPTION: No, just dead robots everywhere. My beautiful robot army destroyed.
O'MALLEY:I'm going to sneak around the side. Let me know if you see anything. Lopez. Lopez! Lopez! (turns around to see that shadowy figure approaching) Ho no! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Cut to Simmons leading the Reds through a cave
SIMMONS:Just a little further guys.
SARGE:You stole that thing all by yourself?
DONUT:Yep, and then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.
SARGE:I'm so proud of you.
DONUT:Hyeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I caught the fever!
SIMMONS:Okay, the source of the distress signal is right outside this crap!
GRIF:Noooooooooooooooooooohohohooooooooooooo!!!
The camera moves back in stages to reveal they're back in that fucking canyon again
GRIF:This sucks.
Cut to Church and Tucker surveying the robot army carnage
CHURCH:Wow. She really did a lot of damage.
TUCKER:Are you surprised?
CHURCH:No, not really, I guess not.
TUCKER:I'll tell you what, it's days like today, I'm really glad she's on our side.
TEX:Who's on our side? Whoa! Who killed all the robots?
CHURCH:You did.
TEX:No I didn't.
CHURCH:What?
TEX:I've been downstairs, trying to figure out how to turn this sword on.
CHURCH:Wait a second. (runs off)
TUCKER:Just push the power button.
TEX:I did, that didn't work.
TUCKER:Yeah, that's surprising.
Cut to Church and Gary
GARY: the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. (continues as Church talks)
CHURCH:Oh come on Gary Gary Gary, stop stop stop. Hey if Tex is not the destroyer from the prophecy, then who is?
GARY: ...
CHURCH:Gary?
GARY: knock knock.
Cut to a shot of Church, with an alien sneaking up on him
YOU:OH MY FUCKING GOD IT'S AN ELITE!
ME:I know, shut up.
CHURCH:Who's there.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
PSA 9: Indigestion 2004

Fade in on Church and Grif in front of the Warthog
CHURCH:Hey everybody. Lately there's been a number of people coming to our website, redvsblue, looking for information about red states versus blue states.
GRIF:Yeah they all wanna complain about each other and they're looking for a new place to do it.
Cut to Church next to a political map of the U.S.A.
CHURCH:Yeah we don't really keep up with current events, but apparently from what we've been able to figure out, the red states did something that caused a disaster in the blue states, and now all the people are being forced to evacuate to Canada and France. And for some reason the evacuation is being led by a fat guy from Michigan.
A picture of Michael Moore appears next to Church, and he later gets the Russian Communism symbol in a speech bubble
CHURCH:We don't, really understand a lot of it.
GRIF:Yeah, and the people in the red states are mad because the people in the blue states are mean to them, and want them to pay money for roads and school instead of cool things like NASCAR and shotguns. Also, there's somethin' about ketchup in there. Like we said, a lot of this stuff doesn't make much sense.
CHURCH:Yeah but our website isn't really about large groups of people that hate themselves. It's more about small groups of people, that are able to hate on a much more personal level.
GRIF:Like I hate Church because he's blue.
CHURCH:And I hate Grif because he's not blue. In fact he's, not even really red. It's more like a, orangey kinda peach... Well sorta like somebody threw up and decided to call it a color.
GRIF:The blue idiot's right. This time of year we should all come together and hate as a group, like our ancestors did.
CHURCH:And what better to hate than turkeys? And what better way to hate 'em, than to eat 'em by the million.
Pan over to Sarge and Simmons
SARGE:Exactly.
GRIF:Hey Sarge, how's the big dinner coming?
SARGE:Well there's seven of us, so I thought one turkey wouldn't cut it.
CHURCH:Yeah I can see how only three pounds of meat would leave us unsatisfied.
SARGE:Are you familiar with the turducken?
GRIF:Yeah, that's what I do when I visit the monkey house at the zoo and make 'em mad.
SIMMONS:Not turd ducking, a turducken. It's a chicken in a duck in a turkey.
CHURCH:You know, because the holiday isn't quite gluttonous enough on its own.
GRIF:Sounds awesome, is that what we're having?
SARGE:Nope. Although impressive, I decided they stopped short when designing the turducken.
CHURCH:Yeah. They seemed like real underachievers there.
SARGE:So I decided to make my own variety.
CHURCH:What's that, a polecat stuffed in a possum?
SARGE:Nope, first we start with a hummingbird- (a picture of a hummingbird appears next to Sarge)
GRIF:A what?
SARGE:Put that in a sparrow (picture of a sparrow), stuff them both in a cornish hen (picture of a cooked hen), then put that in a chicken (picture of a guy in a chicken suit). Put all that in a duck (picture of a mallard duck), then in a turkey (hand-drawn picture of a hand turned in to a turkey), then in a bigger turkey (picture of Michael Moore again).
GRIF:Two turkeys?
SARGE:Hey, it's Thanksgiving. Put that in a penguin (picture of some penguins), stuff that in a peacock (picture of the NBC logo from the '70s), then an eagle (picture of an eagle), shove it all in an albatross (picture of an albatross in flight), then an emu (that well-known picture of an emu's head, head on), next comes an ostrich (picture of a running ostrich), then a leopard (picture of a sleeping leopard)! Put all that in a pterodactyl (artist's rendering of a pterodactyl), and then stuff it in a Boeing 747 (picture of a 747).
CHURCH:... Cool. I get a wing.
SIMMONS:I call the turbine.
SARGE:Alright! Hunker up boys, hey Grif! What kinda meat do you like? First class, or coach?
CHURCH:You know if we cook this thing at three hundred and fifty degrees at ten minutes a pound, it's not gonna be done for eleven years.
SARGE:That's why we're going to deep fry.
Sound of an oil tanker's horn going off
SARGE:There's the oil now!
SIMMONS:What was that leopard for?
SARGE:Presentation.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Cold & Flu Season Tips

Fade in on Simmons and Grif in front of some building
GRIF:Hi everyone, I'm Private Dexter Grif from the popular webseries Red vs Blue.
SIMMONS:And as always, I'm Private Dick Simmons.
GRIF:As many of you are no doubt aware, this flu season has been particularly harsh.
Still images fade in to the background throughout the video. Go download it you lazy bastard
GRIF:Even here in Blood Gulch.
SIMMONS:During the winter months, disease can spread like a virus. And as we all know, a virus can carry disease.
GRIF:And with all the crazy new diseases out there, like SARS and Zombie Fever, you might not even know you're sick until you start coughing from the stench of your own rotting corpse.
SIMMONS:Here to help you look for early warning signs of this year's flu, is Medical Officer DuFrasne.
DOC:Thanks guys. Hi everybody. Here are some common symptoms to look for this flu season. Fever. Runny nose. Watery eyes. Embarassing itchy places. Projectile vomiting. Fear of abandonment. Apocalyptic visions. Evil-
GRIF:Whoa whoa whoa, hold on a second, did you say evil?
SIMMONS:Yeah those, those aren't flu symptoms.
DOC:Guys, trust me, I'm a doctor.
SIMMONS:No you're not, you just play one on the internet!
DOC:Signs your condition may be getting worse include but aren't limited to, night blindness. Hysterical screaming. Maniacal laughing. Volting. And of course, excessive number three.
GRIF:Ewwww!
CABOOSE:(up on a cliff) I had all of those things. I was very sick.
SIMMONS:No you didn't Caboose.
GRIF:No it's true, Caboose got Asian Bird Flu.
SIMMONS:What? How is that possible, doesn't Asian Bird Flu only infect birds?
GRIF:Somehow, he found a way.
CABOOSE:I am feeling much better now. And, I can fly. (jumps off the cliff) I am flyinggggggg- (crashes, just like you'd expect) Ow. The sky is very hard.
DOC:If you think you're feeling sick, or possessed by diabolical forces, just remember to get plenty of fluids, and cave-dwelling time.
DONUT:Of course, the key is to not get sick in the first place. That means staying warm, and that means accessorizing.
Camera moves back to reveal Donut is wearing light-red fluffy boots
DONUT:Whad'ya think of my new boots, guys? Aren't they fab?
SIMMONS:Get out of here Donut!
GRIF:You're not even supposed to be in this PSA.
DONUT:Oh come on guys, who knows more about spreading communicable diseases than me?
DOC:He's got a point there guys.
DONUT:And here's a tip for all you kids out there. Stay off the computer. That way you'll avoid getting a deadly computer virus. Alive in oh-five. Delano out! (runs off)
GRIF:So in summary, you can help yourself avoid the common cold if you just avoid some simple mistakes.
DOC:If you're feeling dizzy, short of breath, or if you've just been up all night plotting world domination, you're probably coming down with something really, really, really bad.
SIMMONS:So stay healthy, because you wouldn't wanna have to stay home and miss school or work for one day.
GRIF:Oh yeah, wouldn't wanna miss work, that would be (fake coughing)... terrible. (suddenly in a stuffy voice) Simmons, I think I'm coming down with something, I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it to work.
SARGE:(running in to frame) What in consumption! We've got an outbreak, Simmons! Prepare to initiate quarantine protocol Omega-three!
SIMMONS:Yes sir. I'll get the vaccine, and the extra large sepository, so we can cure Grif.
GRIF:(short coughing) -did you say extra large? Uh suddenly, I'm feeling much better!
SARGE:Too late for needles, Simmons. I've had the bullets in my shotgun medically coated, for the fastest possible injection of life-saving medicine.
SIMMONS:Great idea Sir. We shoot him until he's healthy again!
GRIF:Really guys, much better, seriously.
SARGE:It's all about containment now son. If we fire at will, we may be able to save the others.
GRIF:Hey Doc, a little help here?
DOC:Quiet Grif, can't you see I'm trying to learn new Medical Field techniques? Hey Sarge, how would you treat a sore throat?
SARGE:That's easy. Stricnine soothes and coats as it goes down.
DOC:How about fever.
SARGE:Feed the patient dry ice, and replace the blood with a heavy-weight antifreeze.
DOC:Ah, I see. What about a cold?
SARGE:A cold? Son, in my day we would euthanize anyone with a sniffle!
GRIF:Uh oh.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Christmas 2004: Old Annoyance Be Forgot

Fade in on Simmons and Grif looking up at a building with unlit Christmas lights on it
SIMMONS:Okay Tucker, hit it!
TUCKER:Okay.
Sound of failed electricity, and the lights come on... dimly
GRIF:That looks perfect! Merry Christmas buddy.
SIMMONS:Perfect?! That looks like crap. Half o' the lights are burned out.
GRIF:I meant perfect by our standards.
SIMMONS:Gah, this sucks.
GRIF:That's not the holiday spirit, Simmons!
SIMMONS:Holidays? Christmas is about snow and family and turkey. Not a bunch of busted lights and drinking Donut's egg nog out of an old oil can.
SARGE:No Donut, for the last time, I don't wanna know what the secret ingredient is!
GRIF:Simmons, holidays are when you think about more than just your own wants and needs.
TUCKER:Yeah. You should be thinking of people less fortunate than you. And that makes you feel better, because those suckers are chumps. And who wants to be a chump?
GRIF:No-body. Chumps are a bunch of punks.
SIMMONS:But what about our missing friends, like Lopez, and your buddy Church? Don't you remember last year when we were all together back home? It was swell.
TUCKER:Miss Church... Do you remember last year?
Creative camera effect to change scenes to the tree in Blood Gulch, done up with a handful of christmas ornaments
SIMMONS:Well, uhgh, it's not much Grif, but it's ours. Merry Christmas, old buddy.
Sniper shot takes out one of the ornaments
SIMMONS:What the hell?
GRIF:Hey!
CHURCH:(holding a sniper rifle) Oops! Looks like you lost one of your ornaments, pricks! I guess this year it's not "Ho Ho Ho," it's just... "Ho Ho!"
Church fires the sniper rifle again
CHURCH:Booya!
SIMMONS:Cut that out, asshole!
GRIF:Yeah!
CHURCH:Oh! Now you got just one ho!
TUCKER:I wish I had just one-
CHURCH:Oh shut the fuck up, Tucker.
TUCKER:What, that was gonna be funny.
Creative camera effect to change scenes to Caboose, Donut and Church standing somewhere
CABOOSE:Aaand this year, I'm going to ask Santa for, a pony. ...And a cowboy.
CHURCH:I think there's something you should know about Santa. Come here.
Church walks over to Caboose
CHURCH:(whispering) Whisper whisper boyfriend whisper whisper.
CABOOSE:No!
CHURCH:(whispering) Yeah he used to be a chick, too. Whisper whisper.
CABOOSE:Noooo!!! (runs off)
CHURCH:Oh, where ya going? Hey, you really want a pony, I got something I could put down your throat. That'll make you a little hoarse. Heh heh heh. (to Donut) What're you lookin' at?
Creative camera effect to change scenes to Tucker and Church near Sheila
TUCKER:Hey Church, I'm still trying to figure out what to get Caboose.
CHURCH:Christmas is in seven hours moron.
TUCKER:I know. If you wait until last minute you get all the good deals.
CHURCH:Ah just get everybody the same thing, that's what I did.
TUCKER:Let me guess. Everyone's getting a lump of coal.
CHURCH:Fuck no, you know how much coal costs? Like five bucks a ton! I'm not spending that much on you losers! You're all gettin' a lump of smoal.
TUCKER:What's smoal?
CHURCH:It's a knockoff synthetic coal. It's just as good as the real thing, except when you burn it it doesn't make any heat, just makes smoke.
TUCKER:Huh, what? How does it make smoke with no heat?
CHURCH:How the fuck do I know? Ask the fine makers of smoal.
Creative camera effect to change scenes to the red team in their base
SARGE:I have some bad news, fellas. I just got a memo from Command.
GRIF:What is the war over or somethin'?
SARGE:No, even worse. Apparently Santa has signed an exclusive deal with the Blue team. He's gonna be wearing a blue Santa suit for the next five years.
SIMMONS:Are you sure that someone from Blue team didn't send that as a joke?
SARGE:No Simmons, we're definitely on the naughty list for the foreseeable future.
SIMMONS:Come on, are you sure about this?
SARGE:Of course! It came from Command! It's signed by a, Korporal Dick Goesinya. Wait a second! Corporal isn't spelled with a K!
Creative camera effect to change scenes to Tucker next to the tree, with a present under it, and Church
TUCKER:Church, it hasn't been the best holiday, but I think I found the perfect gift for you. Merry Christmas buddy.
CHURCH:I thought we agreed not to get each other anything this year.
TUCKER:No we didn't!
CHURCH:Oh. Well, maybe I'm mistaken.
TUCKER:Mistaken? You specifically told me to get you something.
CHURCH:I did?
TUCKER:You gave me a catalog with stuff circled in it.
CHURCH:Huh. Doesn't ring a bell.
TUCKER:You set a budget for us, between three hundred and three fifty.
CHURCH:Oh well, I guess it's just one of those things.
TUCKER:Fuck you, I'm keeping it.
CHURCH:Tucker, isn't Christmas the season of giving-Holy Shit, blue Santa!
TUCKER:(turning) Where? (turns back to see the present gone) Aw crap.
Creative fade back to Simmons Tucker and Grif in the future
SIMMONS:Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe it's better that Church isn't here this year.
TUCKER:Yeah, Christmas is the one day of the year you should never miss Church.
CHURCH:Ah, forget it douchebags! You're all still gettin' lumps of smoal!
TUCKER:Ah crap.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Sundance 2005: Major Players

On screen: Please turn on your cell phones
Church and Sarge on Blue Base
CHURCH:Hey Sarge? You know that Sundance Film Festival thing we're going to?
SARGE:'Course I do. You were s'posed to book the hotel rooms for that.
CHURCH:Uh yeah, that was too expensive so I had to make other arrangements.
SARGE:What? How much was the hotel?
CHURCH:Twelve thousand dollars.
SARGE:What does that break down to per day?
CHURCH:That is per day.
SARGE:So where're we staying?
CHURCH:Some place rustic, you know, with a real "authentic Utah" feel. It's called Colorado.
SARGE:We don't want authentic! We're gonna be hob-gobbing with Hollywood types! The only thing they have in common with people from Utah are multiple wives!
For no really apparent reason, Sarge runs to the edge of the base to look down at Simmons and Grif
GRIF:Uh hey Sarge, we got a problem!
SARGE:What now?
GRIF:You know those gift baskets you wanted for the panel presentation? Well we couldn't get all the sponsors you wanted, so... we had to improvise.
SARGE:Did you get those Sidekick phones, like Paris Hilton uses?
GRIF:Uh, no, but we got a beeper used by Becky Sue Johnson, the heiress to the Howard Johnson empire.
SARGE:What about the IPods?
GRIF:We got something called IPuds.
SARGE:...
GRIF:Don't ask.
SARGE:Well did you get anything good?
GRIF:Uh, let's see. We got Pormel.
CHURCH:Pormel, the meat packing company?
SIMMONS:Not Hormel, Pormel. They don't actually make meat products, they make meat by-products.
GRIF:We also got sponsored by a plumbing supply company over on Fifth Avenue.
SARGE:Son, we're going to the Sundance Film Festival. The mecca for the cultural and creative elite!
GRIF AND  SIMMONS:... Hahaha
SIMMONS:Cultural elite. Good one Sarge.
SARGE:Thanks, but seriously. You wanna hand out cans of chilli and bottles of Drain-O?
SIMMONS:It's got kind of a nice thematic cohesion when you think about it Sir.
SARGE:Simmons, that's one hell of a literary stretch, and pretty low-brow if you ask me.
SIMMONS:I prefer the term Mainstream Sir.
CHURCH:What're you, a publicist?
GRIF:Hey Sarge, real quick: Chloe Sevigny, beans or no beans?
SARGE:Son, I couldn't even begin to answer that question.
CHURCH:Beans have carbs, dumbass. People in Hollywood die if they eat those.
GRIF:Gotcha. Extra beans.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
Humpday Challenge: OMG. Humped.

Fade in to Church, Simmons and Tucker running up to Grif in Blood Gulch
GRIF:Hey you're back, how'd the Humpday thing go?
SIMMONS:Uhhmmmmm...
CHURCH:Oh it went great, as long as you weren't on our team.
GRIF:So you lost.
CHURCH:Yeah, unless there's some new game type where you're supposed to catch the most amount of bullets with your torso. In which case, Simmons was the clear victor.
SIMMONS:What the hell! You were the one who was supposed to have all these great strategies!
CHURCH:Well if you people had listened to me while we were out there, maybe we would have won a game.
Wavy cut back in time to the Humpday challenge in the future
CHURCH:Alright men, they're coming up the right flank! This is our chance, formation pattern Delta!
SIMMONS:(in a girly voice) I'm scared, and I peed my pants, and I don't wanna die in my peepee pants!
Cut back to Blood Gulch to prevent any further embarassment
SIMMONS:That's not what happened.
CHURCH:I think that's a very, accurate, portrayal.
SIMMONS:That wasn't even my voice!
CHURCH:Well let's just agree to disagree.
SIMMONS:Okay, the real problem, was that the weapons had all changed slightly, and we had never used them before.
GRIF:How were the weapons different? Did they shoot fire or something?
CHURCH:No.
GRIF:Were the triggers in a different place?
CHURCH:Noh.
GRIF:Wait, were the guys from Bungie using the same weapons as you?
CHURCH:Yes.
GRIF:Well I can see how you'd think it was a legitimate excuse. Hey, next time you guys go out of town to embarass the crap out of us, why don't you let me tag along. I'm great at losing, I could be one of our All Stars.
SIMMONS:I'm so ashamed.
GRIF:Why isn't he saying anything?
CHURCH:Uh, well let's just put it this way, there were some side-bets before the match, and Tucker's mouth now belongs to someone else's balls.
TUCKER:...I don't wanna talk about it.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3
New Halo 2 Maps: Uncharted Territories

Fade in to Sarge, Grif and Simmons running across a building on a snow planet that isn't Sidewinder
SIMMONS:Let me get this straight, you just gave that guy the flag!? Come on guys I see them, they're over here, let's go get 'em!
Cut to Tex and the blues, elsewhere on said snow planet
TEX:I figure we have a minute before they find us.
CHURCH:That's no good. Hey Tucker, which way is it to Blue Base?
TUCKER:I dunno.
CHURCH:What? But you're our navigator.
TUCKER:Who said that? And whose idea was it to leave a trail of ice cubes back to the base? In the snow?
TEX:Can we hurry this up please, I'm freezing.
TUCKER:It's not that cold. Watch. Hey Caboose, try sticking your tongue to that flagpole again.
CABOOSE:Ay, am moth folling fo tha, agaim.
TEX:Hey, if we're lost-
CHURCH:We are not lost. We're just taking an alternate unexplored route, that we don't know the location of.
TEX:It takes a lot less time if you just say "Lost."
CHURCH:No way.
TEX:Why don't we just go find someone and ask directions.
TUCKER:I'm not doing that.
CHURCH:No way.
TEX:(mockingly) Because you're big strong men?
TUCKER:No, it's because we're not girls.
CHURCH:Oh hey look, a map.
TUCKER:Cool!
CHURCH:You are here. Good! At least now we know where we are.
TUCKER:I already knew I was here. Thanks for nothing map.
TEX:Not getting any warmer guys.
CHURCH:Okay, we came in here by the department store, so we need to head back this way to Blue Base.
TUCKER:We need to go up?
CHURCH:Not up, it's North.
TUCKER:Looks like up.
CHURCH:North is always up on a m- look just forget it. I know which way we're going so just follow me.
CABOOSE:I'm not going anywhere.
CHURCH:What?
CABOOSE:Uh my mom always said that if I got lost, I should just stay exactly where I am, and she said that she would come and find me.
CHURCH:Caboose, you've gotta be kidding me. We need to get back to base, and your mother is not coming.
TUCKER:I don't know about that, if I see his mom later tonight-
CHURCH:Tucker not now!
TEX:I'll stay here and guard Caboose. You guys go get the car, and come back and pick us up.
CHURCH:Alright fine, we'll be right back. Come on Tucker, let's head North. I mean up- I mean North, God dammit!
Cut to Church and Tucker in some eerie looking place
TUCKER:What is this place, the food court?
CHURCH:Yeah I think so, look, they got the whole place color coded. Where did we park?
TUCKER:I dunno, red?
CHURCH:Why would we park in red?
TUCKER:I don't care.
CHURCH:I remember seeing blue when we parked-
TUCKER:Yeah, that's because we're all blue, and Caboose was sitting on your lap. What does your parking ticket say?
CHURCH:I left it in the car.
TUCKER:What? Someone's gonna break in and steal the ticket to save ten bucks on parking.
CHURCH:Have you ever heard about that happening, even once?
TUCKER:Wait, I remember now, you said you didn't wanna pay ten dollars to park in here, so we parked out on the street.
CHURCH:Oh right, I am cheap. Alright, come on, let's take the teleporter.
They run through the teleporter and emerge somewhere else, just like they expected
TUCKER:What the hell is this?
CHURCH:I think it's a water park.
TUCKER:Cool, thank God I wore my bikini briefs today.
CHURCH:Tucker...
TUCKER:Just kidding. (under breath) I don't even wear underwear.
CHURCH:Thanks for the uh, mental picture you just painted there pal.
TUCKER:Man, this Blue Base is way better than our base. We should move here.
CHURCH:Yeah it's nice.
TUCKER:Look at all that water. The Red side didn't have any water.
CHURCH:I guess.
TUCKER:What an advantage! We could slowly dehydrate the Reds and when they come over to get a drink, Bam!
CHURCH:When did you start thinking strategically?
TUCKER:Ah, I just like being mean to people.
Cut to Church and Tucker in a city street
CHURCH:Okay, now this looks familiar.
TUCKER:Yeah, that's what you've been saying for seven blocks.
CHURCH:Ah ha! There's the car. I knew it.
TUCKER:I bet Tex and Caboose have died from starvation by now. Hey look, a yogurt shop, awesome!
CHURCH:I don't think they're open Tucker!
TUCKER:I think you're right, let's break in.
CHURCH:I'm not breaking in to a store to get you free yogurt. Come on, let's go.
TUCKER:I can see the sprinkles. Sprinkles Church, seriously.
Church starts up the car
CHURCH:Yeah that's great, now come on, let's go. We'll come back after we pick them up.
TUCKER:Hey can I drive?
CHURCH:Uh, let me think about that for a minute NO.
TUCKER:Alright, I'll just work the horn then.
CHURCH:Stop it.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 58: Familiar Surroundings

Fade in to Grif screaming on the top of a cliff
GRIF:Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Nohohohoooooooooohaoooooooooooooo!
DONUT:Is he ever gonna stop screaming? He's been up there for hours.
SARGE:Simmons, shut him up!
SIMMONS:Hey Grif, shut the fuck up! Get down here and help us check out the base!
GRIF:No! No! Noooooooooooooohohohooooooooooooooo!
SIMMONS:I don't think he's even listening to us.
GRIF:Noooooooo actually that time I was answering your question noooooooooooo!
SARGE:Heugh.
GRIF:Noooooooooooooooooooo-
SARGE:Go up there and get him Simmons.
GRIF:-oooooooooooooooooooooo-
DONUT:If he keeps screaming like that, he's gonna pass out and fall off the cliff.
SARGE:Cancel that order, Simmons!
GRIF:-oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-
SARGE:Donut, get me a sniper rifle.
DONUT:Yes sir.
GRIF:-oooooooooooooo.
Cut to the Blues back wherever they are after all this time
TUCKER:And he says "Did I read it? I already ruined it!"
TEX:That's disgusting.
CABOOSE:I don't get it.
Church materializes out of thin air
CHURCH:What, the fuck, was that.
CABOOSE:Hey Church!
TUCKER:Hey.
TEX:Huh?
CHURCH:Isn't anybody gonna ask me, "What happened to your body, Church?"
TEX AND  TUCKER:What happened to your body church.
CABOOSE:What happened to some... body... Church?
CHURCH:Hell if I know. All I know is, I was sittin' there talkin' to Gary, and-
TEX:The bomb?
CHURCH:No that's Andy, Gary is the computer.
TEX:Neh, I don't even remember most of your names half the time.
CABOOSE:I know my name! You can ask me, if you forget.
CHURCH:Hey, can we please focus on me?
CABOOSE:By the way, he's Church.
CHURCH:Yes, thank you Caboose, she knows.
CABOOSE:He is the mean one.
CHURCH:Thank you, Caboose.
CABOOSE:See, he is mad. Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking, then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.
CHURCH:... Okay. I was talking to Gary and-
CABOOSE:Told you so.
CHURCH:God dammit!
CABOOSE:Classic Church.
TUCKER:I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurism.
CHURCH:Anyway, I was talking to Gary about the Great Destroyer, who at the time we thought was Tex.
Fade to Church's story
GARY: the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near.
CHURCH:Oh come on Gary Gary Gary, stop stop stop. Hey if Tex is not the destroyer from the prophecy, then who is?
Cut to the present
CHURCH:And that's when I turned around, and I saw...
Cut back to Church's story, where Church turns around and Caboose is standing in the way
CABOOSE:Saw what? Saw O'Malley?
CHURCH:What the- Caboose, get outta the story man. No it wasn't O'Malley.
CABOOSE:What was it?
CHURCH:Stop interrupting me, and I'll tell you.
CABOOSE:A helicopter?
TUCKER:Yeah Caboose, shut up.
CHURCH:Hey, Tucker, you're interrupting now too. Everybody just get outta here.
TUCKER:Me? I'm just tryin' to punch up the storyline. Check this out.
Tex with Tucker's voice steps to the ledge
TUCKER:Hi everybody, I'm super horny from all the robot killing. Hey is it hot in here? Who wants to help me out of this heavy armor. This breastplate is so itchy.
Cut back to the present
TUCKER:Bow chicka bow-
Tex levels her gun at Tucker
TUCKER:-whoa, story's over.
TEX:You're a pig.
TUCKER:I didn't even get to the part where the sailors show up.
TEX:Just tell us, what did you see?
CHURCH:Um, it was a really big... thing.
TEX:That's your story? You saw a big thing.
TUCKER:Eh, my story had a big thing in it too. You just didn't give it time to develop.
CHURCH:Well I didn't really get a clear look at it.
CABOOSE:At Tucker's big thing.
CHURCH:No dumbass, at the big thing in the base that attacked me. All I know is that it was slimy, and it had lots of teeth.
TUCKER:Kinky.
CHURCH:Seriously dude, cut the shit. We've got a situation on our hands.
TEX:Well how did you fight it off?
CHURCH:Fight it off? You must have me confused with someone who's brave. I got the hell outta there.
TEX:You're telling me you left your body behind?
CHURCH:I had to get outta there fast. That body was just dead weight.
CABOOSE:I know the feeling.
CHURCH:What is that supposed to mean?
TUCKER:Hahahaha, some slimy toothed monster scared the crap outta Church! Haha!
TEX:He didn't scare the crap outta him, he scared the soul outta him.
TUCKER:Oh it's Church, what's the difference? His soul is made outta crap. Stupid crap for soul.
CHURCH:For all I know, he's in there chewin' on my body right now.
TEX:Well, then let's go get this big thing of yours.
TUCKER:Bow chicka bow wow.
TEX:Oh shut up.
CHURCH:Shut up Tucker.
TUCKER:Did somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow chicka bow wow!
CHURCH:Tucker. Shut up.
TUCKER:I came here to lay some pipe. Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
CHURCH:Tucker!
TUCKER:So I hear you got sisters. Bow chicka- who're twins! -wow wow!
CHURCH:Shut up.
TUCKER:Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
CHURCH:Shut up.
TUCKER:Bow chickachicka-
CHURCH:Shut up.
TUCKER:-gow wow chicka-
CHURCH:Shut up.
TUCKER:-chicka bow bow chickachickachi bow bow!
CHURCH:Shut up!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 59: Hunting Time

Fade in to Grif still yelling like a walrus
GRIF:Nooooooooooo-
Sniper shots make him dodge
SARGE:Close!
SIMMONS:Thank you sir!
GRIF:Nooo!
SARGE:Donut, you're going outta turn.
DONUT:I thought I went after Simmons.
SARGE:No, we go in line. It goes you then me, then Simmons, then back down to me then you, then me then me, then Simmons then me then me then Simmons, me, me Simmons you Simmons me me me Simmons you. Me. Then me again. It makes perfect sense!
SIMMONS:But doesn't that mean you go twice as much? Or, ten times as much?
Sarge fires
GRIF:Ow!
SARGE:This is the best game since Grifball.
GRIF:I'm not comin' down!
SARGE:Hey Grif! Move back and forth like one of those ducks at the carnival!
Sarge fires, Grif ducks out of the way because he's telepathic or something
SARGE:No, don't duck, that makes you harder to hit. Act like a duck!
SIMMONS:Wait a minute, that was my turn!
SARGE:This is the Lightning Round.
SIMMONS:Who's in the lightning round?
SARGE:Me.
GRIF:Alright, fuck this, I'm comin' down!
Sarge fires again
GRIF:OW! I said I'm comin' down!
SARGE:Hyaha, buzzer beater! Take that you stupid duck.
Cut to the the moron, the possibly black guy, the chick in black and the ghost standing outside the complex
TUCKER:We haven't seen that alien thing come out, so he's probably still hiding in there.
CABOOSE:Or, eating Church!
TEX:Alright then. Let's roll.
CHURCH:Okay... Here we go...
TEX:...
CABOOSE:...
TUCKER:...Uh, we're not moving.
CHURCH:Yeah, yeah, okay. (clears throat) Here we go.
TUCKER:...We're still not moving.
CABOOSE:Does talking count as moving?
TEX:(stepping forward) Alright screw it. You guys get behind me, and stay tight.
TUCKER:Bowchickabowwow.
TEX:Never mind, Tucker's in front.
TUCKER:Eh, it was worth it.
Cut back to Red Base in the Gulch... well, a little bit away from Red Base
SARGE:Alright men. Stay out of sight. We have to be prepared for anything.
GRIF:Uh, why are we hiding from our own base?
SARGE:Because, we have no idea what's inside.
SIMMONS:Anything could have occupied the base after we jumped in to the future.
DONUT:Oh my God! What if we're in there?
GRIF:Yeah- no, wait. Aren't we out here?
DONUT:I mean past versions of ourselves. We could go in there and meet ourselves. Oh man, we'd be best friends we'd have so much in common. Finally someone who shares the pain.
SIMMONS:Donut, that's not how time travel works. We don't leave copies of ourselves behind, and even if we did they'd all be eight hundred years old. They'd all be dead by now.
DONUT:Speak for yourself, I could live to be eight hundred. I'm on this awesome diet!
SARGE:Still doing that high fat low fibre liquid diet where you drink nothing but bacon grease?
DONUT:Nah, that was just a fad.
SARGE:What's the new one?
DONUT:I only eat foods that begin with vowels.
SIMMONS:That sounds really hard, what did you have for breakfast?
DONUT:Eggs and Oreos. And for lunch I'm having asparagus... and Oreos.
GRIF:Holy crap, I've been on that diet for years! I had no idea I was so healthy! I even cut out all the eggs! And I don't even know what asparagus is.
SARGE:Alright men, stop your chatterboxin'. We've got to keep our eyes open for any sign of enemy activity.
A tank closely resembling Sheila rides by in the background
SARGE:I can't have you not paying attention. You have to be alert!
Grif Simmons and Donut follow the tank with their eyes... and heads... and probably their hearts
SARGE:Constant vigilance. Composed, attentive!
The three stooges look back at Sarge
SARGE:See? That's much better.
Cut to Tucker sneaking up on an empty hallway
CHURCH:Hey, why didn't you bring that glowing thing?
TUCKER:No way, I'd rather have a gun.
CHURCH:I've got a gun.
TUCKER:What're you gonna do, shoot it with ghost bullets?
CHURCH:Okay yeah, that's a good point.
TUCKER:Hey I'm Casper, the friendly bullet.
TEX:(from below) Hey, see anything?
TUCKER:Nope!
CHURCH:You know, Andy was here when I got attacked. Maybe he knows something.
Church heads for a window
CHURCH:Hey. Andy. Andy!
ANDY:Hehehey, look who's back! The dickhead!
CHURCH:Hey, up yours.
ANDY:Back for another beatin'? It must be asskick-oclock!
CHURCH:Where's that big alien thing?
ANDY:I don't know, last time I saw him he was halfway up your ass.
TEX:Is this bomb giving you a hard time?
ANDY:I see you brought a girl with you. What're you gonna have a crying contest?
CHURCH:Hey look, there's my body right there.
ALIEN:Largh.
TUCKER:Huh? There it is!
CHURCH:Jesus run!
TEX:Crap!
Tucker, Church and Tex fire randomly in every direction except the one the alien is in
TUCKER:Oh my God oh my God I hoped I'd die with the police on me!
CHURCH:Run!
TUCKER:Women and children last!
All three jump from various orifices of the building toward Caboose
CHURCH:Run run run run run run runn!
ANDY:Heheh, what, you leavin' already? That's fuckin' hilarious!
TUCKER:Ahhh run run run run run!
CABOOSE:Did we win?
TUCKER:Yeah Caboose we won, this is our victory lap!
ANDY:Hey come back in, I think you're tirin' him out!
SOME UNKNOWN ENTITY:(hysterical out of breath laughter) You're killing me! Haha ha (cough)


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 60: Fight or Fright

Fade in to Grif, Simmons and Donut standing in front of the Warthog
SIMMONS:I'm telling you it was here. It drove by while you were talking. You had your back turned, and it went zoom right behind you!
DONUT:Well it really sounded like Ehhhhhhhhrchugachugachur-ah, my leg ah!
SIMMONS:That's not the important part of the story, Donut!
SARGE:Sure, Simmons, I believe you. You saw an enormous tank that appeared miraculously, and then just as quickly disappeared. And you're the only one that can see it. Just like signs of Donut's heterosexuality.
SIMMONS:No I'm not, Donut saw it!
DONUT:Yeah.
SARGE:Donut's impressionable. He'd agree with anything you said.
DONUT:Yeah.
SARGE:Aw hell, he'd eat a spoon full of dirt if you told him it tasted like chocolate.
DONUT:(gasp) That's not true!
SARGE:Huhuh, so that's where you draw the line?
DONUT:No I mean it's not true that dirt tastes like chocolate, right? Seriously, right?
SIMMONS:Okay, Grif saw it too. We all saw it.
GRIF:I don't know what you're talking about, I didn't see a damn thing.
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:Tank you say? I have no idea what you're talking about. I was too busy paying attention to our Sargeant while he gave us our orders.
SIMMONS:Oh really, well what did he say?
GRIF:Something inspiring about beating the Blues, and the base or the flag er, or something. I'm pretty sure he mentioned a pole cat too, I was getting a little emotional at the end.
SARGE:You see Simmons? Some soldiers know how to pay attention.
GRIF:Wow, that might be the first time you've ever actually compli-
SARGE:Shut up dirtbag.
SIMMONS:Grif, you just told us two minutes ago that you saw it.
GRIF:Hyeah, I know, but it's a lot more fun this way.
Cut to Tucker, Caboose, Tex and the ghost of Church outside the complex
CHURCH:Ugh, man I just cannot fuckin' stand the idea of my body laying in there.
ANDY:Heh haeh, you never looked better!
CHURCH:Hey shut up, Andy! You know, we could have taken that alien out if I'd have hit him just a few more times.
TUCKER:A few more times? How about one time?
CHURCH:Well I think I landed at least two or three shots.
TUCKER:Yeah right.
TEX:You didn't hit anything but the wall.
CHURCH:How the hell would you know, you were runnin' straight backwards.
TEX:This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.
TUCKER:Where were you planning on shooting him from, the fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to mail him the bullets.
TEX:You know what? I work better alone. You ladies stay here, I'll be back in two minutes with that thing's head on a platter.
TUCKER:Does it ever bother you that the most take-charge guy on our team is a girl?
CHURCH:Not at all. As long as I get my body back I don't care if I'm a hero.
TUCKER:...
CABOOSE:...
CHURCH:What.
TUCKER:Huh, well, Church you're kind of a long way from "hero." Wouldn't it have been better to say "I don't care if I'm a participant?" Or maybe bystander?
CHURCH:Shut up.
CABOOSE:Or a decoy.
CHURCH:Hey, Caboose, don't help him okay?
Tex goes in
TUCKER:Hey she's going in, you guys think she can take him?
Sound of a punch or something, and Tex's ghost materializes behind them
TEX:Oh crap.
CHURCH:Nope.
Cut to Grif and Sarge watching Simmons watch Donut flying the purple thing
SIMMONS:Come on Donut, give someone else a turn!
DONUT:Wait, wait, I wanna show you guys a bunny hop I'm workin' on. Look! N- no wait, now, he- look, look- awh, oh man, I was totally doin' it earlier, why weren't you guys watching then?
SIMMONS:I need it to find the tank!
DONUT:Wheeeee! Woooooo! Woohooo!
SARGE:Grif. I wanna share something with you. And you can't let Simmons know.
GRIF:Whatever.
SARGE:I think that Simmons has gone mad. It's probably some kind of Time Travel Post Traumatic Repetitive Stress Syndrome. In scientific terms, he's developed Cranial Insanitosis. Basically, he's gone bonkers.
SIMMONS:(over the radio) Sarge, I'm not crazy, I really saw a tank.
SARGE:And apparently he's developed some kind of mutant telepathy power. Clear your mind Grif, he can hear your thoughts!
SIMMONS:No, you guys just left your mics on again. I keep telling you not to do that 'cause you're just wasting the batteries. Oh and guess who rechar-
SARGE:Clearly he's sabotaging us with his superior technology. Grif, I need you to step up to the plate. You're my number 2 man now.
GRIF:Does that mean more work?
SARGE:Of course. You'll have to do Simmons' regular duties on top of the responsibilities I normally entrust you with.
GRIF:So basically just Simmons' duties then.
SARGE:Right. Luckily we still have Donut, so no-one has to fill in his shoes. Donut! Combat situation!
DONUT:Yes Sir, I'm on it. Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! (continues screaming like a woman)
SARGE:What a pro. Simmons, I mean Grif! Establish a perimeter!
GRIF:Huh? What's that?
SARGE:Make a border around us, and make sure no enemy crosses it.
GRIF:Huh, that sounds like a lot of effort. Can't I just go back to being number 3 again?
SARGE:Number 3? Whaddaya mean 'Number 3?'
GRIF:Oh right, Donut. Can I go back to being number 4 then?
SARGE:And Lopez.
GRIF:Fine. I'll be number 5, I don't care.
SARGE:I don't know, that O'Malley guy can really work a rocket launcher.
GRIF:But he's the enemy!
SARGE:I'm not real particular. Now get to work on that perimeter! Bogey approaching!
SIMMONS:Sir I really think we should be looking for that tank.
SARGE:Hold on a minute. Let's just take it easy there, Private First Class Dick Simmons.
Grif starts drawing in the dirt with a sniper rifle
SIMMONS:But I- hey, what? Why did you use my full name?
SARGE:Grif, what in Sam hell are you doin'?
GRIF:I secured your perimeter Sir. Now I'm gonna go over to the chow hall and secure some Oreos. I got a diet to keep up. Break time! (starts running to the base)
SARGE:Honeymoon's over, numbnuts! You're back down to number 7!
GRIF:Oh yeah? Well I saw the tank too!
Cut back to the Blues and the dead Blues
TUCKER:Maybe Caboose should try talking to him.
CABOOSE:Uhh, what would I say?
TUCKER:Start with some common ground. Like how you both killed Church.
CABOOSE:Mmm... good times.
CHURCH:You know I actually like that idea.
TEX:You do?
CHURCH:Well think about it. While our Ambassador here is either being a) eaten by the alien, or b) digested, by the alien, you and I can sneak back in and get our bodies.
CABOOSE:I would make an excellent Ambidasdor, because I am very shy!
TUCKER:Get away from me freak!
CHURCH:You know if that word's too hard to pronounce, you can just call yourself bait.
TEX:(at the top of the ramp) There's my body.
CHURCH:Oh yeah, hey look, there's your body. Heh heh heh huh, you really didn't make it very far, did you.
TEX:You know I wonder, ih if I killed a ghost, would it come back as a ghost of a ghost?
CHURCH:Yeah that's a good point I'll... shut up now.
Cut to Caboose sneaking up on the bomb
CABOOSE:Hey Andy. Say, have you seeeeen, it's a big uh, slimy, like alien looking thing it's uhhh, it's shaped just kinda like that shadow that's on the ground next to you. Oh.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 61: Fair Competition

Fade in to Sarge talking to people
SARGE:Alright men. Donut. Since Simmons has been demoted for reasons of dementia-
SIMMONS:The tank was real!
SARGE:And he's been ordered by the Judge to stay at least two hundred yards away from us-
SIMMONS:Oh come on, that wasn't a real Judge, that was Donut wearing a powdered wig!
DONUT:Over- huhem, ahuhh, (in a deeper voice now) overruled. Shame on you. Hurr.
SARGE:We are now holding auditions for the permanent position of Second in Command, here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
SIMMONS:WHAT!?
SARGE:And since Simmons is disqualified because of the afore mentioned cookooness, and since Grif is ineligible-
GRIF:Or because I don't wanna compete?
SARGE:Because you're ineligible!
GRIF:No, I just don't want to compete.
SARGE:Of course you don't, because you're ineligible!
GRIF:(sigh) Whatever.
DONUT:I guess that means I get the job, because I'm unopposed, which is the same way I got "Most Likely to be Fabulous" in high school.
SARGE:Actually Donut, I managed to find some other candidates for you to compete against.
DONUT:Huh?
SARGE:We've located an old wrench used by Lopez, and this skull of unknown origin. Some dirt and a rock entered the preliminaries but they didn't make it to the semifinals. Lazy bastards.
DONUT:Hyes. You guys are goin' down. In yo face wrench, in yo face! Take that, bonehead, ha ha ha, woo!
SARGE:You will be competing against each other in a series of gruelling events, in order to gain my attention. First up, the obstacle course, Grif! Get the alligators!
GRIF:I thought I was ineligible.
SARGE:To earn my respect, dirtbag. You're still perfectly capable of grunt work.
SIMMONS:Oh man, I can't believe this. My life was going exactly as planned. I was second in command of a marginally successful unit, I had a superior officer who genuinely cared about me, I had the respect and admiration of all my peers. That was the dream! How did it all go so wrong? How! Hahahahow!? Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination.
SHEILA:I don't think so.
SIMMONS:Shut up, you ruined my life.
Cut to Caboose talking to ...nobody?
CABOOSE:I think I will call him Crunchbite.
ANDY:Eh, that's a stupid name.
CABOOSE:Uh, well I think it's better than your suggestion. Crouchosaurus?
CHURCH:Caboose, who're you talkin' to- HOLY SHIT!
ALIEN:Blargh!
CABOOSE:Stop! He is my friend.
ALIEN:Blargharg.
CABOOSE:He is not going to eat anybody.
ANDY:Yeah, he thinks you guys stink too much to eat.
ALIEN:Blargh.
TEX:He thinks we stink?
ALIEN:Blargh blargh.
TEX:It smells like someone set a fish on fire in here.
ALIEN:Largh?
CHURCH:Caboose, what the fuck man, are you sure about this thing?
CABOOSE:Absolutely, he has not tried to bite me, at all.
ALIEN:Hnnk!
CABOOSE:Since he bit me the first time.
ANDY:Heheh yeah, that was hilarious.
CABOOSE:I think I might need a tetanus shot.
ALIEN:Blargh blargh, largh hnnk blargh.
CHURCH:Whoa, that thing's breath smells like infected cheese on a hotplate. (cough)
Tucker starts coming down the ramp
ALIEN:Largh, blargh!
ANDY:I don't think he liked that.
TUCKER:Whoa, man, what is that stench?
ALIEN:Hargh.
TUCKER:Is a skunk juggling dead hamsters in here?
ALIEN:Largh.
TUCKER:It smells like old yogurt.
ALIEN:Largh, whargh, wharharhrgh.
TUCKER:Did you eat and then throw up a can of trash?
ALIEN:Hnnk!
CABOOSE:That's exactly what he said right before he bit me.
ALIEN:Largher, hnnk! Hrarhrh.
TEX:You understand what he's saying?
ALIEN:Largh... (etc, just kinda keeps going in the background)
CHURCH:Whey hey wait, I think I'm hearing a pattern here. I think that blarghs come after honks. Or, vice versa.
CABOOSE:I think, I think blargh means, me, or, apples. Guys, Apples must be the name of his cat! Quick, quick, is- is Apples stuck in a tree? I will call the fire department.
CHURCH:Mister Huge Alien, do you understand what we are saying?
ALIEN:Wharrrgh!
CHURCH:I have no idea if that means yes or no.
CABOOSE:Totally blows away your vica versa theory. Sorry.
TUCKER:You two are retarded. You're not gonna be able to figure out alien language by experimentation, give it up.
CHURCH:You don't know that!
TUCKER:You don't even know how they talk. What if their language isn't entirely verbal? It could be part telepathic, or via smells. Whoh.
CHURCH:Well if it's via smells then you should be fluent in the language already. Jackass.
ALIEN:Hnnk!
CHURCH:Oh shut up, you're not helping.
CABOOSE:Wait! I think Tucker might be right. I think he might be saying things telepathically. I just heard something in my head!
CHURCH:What? What was it?
CABOOSE:It was a voice, saying, "Blargh blargh blargh honk."
CHURCH:That wasn't in your head Caboose, he just said that. You're just so dumb you're lagged a few seconds behind us. By the time your brain figures out what it's heard, it feels like it's already happened.
CABOOSE:...
ALIEN:...
CABOOSE:... That's not true. Wait! I hear something else in my head! It must be Apples, trying to communicate with me! Quick, Tucker, get a ladder!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 62: Lost in Triangulation

Fade in to Sarge in the Gulch
SARGE:Alright dirtbags, after the third round of the competition, it's still anyone's contest.
DONUT:Yeahah, burn wrench, anyone includes me! Hahah.
SARGE:Donut was leading after the obstacle course, and talent contest.
DONUT:Awesome. Whodihoo!
SARGE:But then the mysterious skull pulled ahead during the question and answer session.
DONUT:That doesn't seem physically possible.
SARGE:So the standings are the skull, Donut, and in third the wrench. Which is the current crowd favourite.
Cut to the warthog with pro-wrench propaganda on it
WARTHOG:(beep beep beep)
GRIF:Haha, maybe the skull will be your new sidekick. Hey Sarge, how can I kiss your ass if I don't have any lips?
SARGE:And in last place Grif.
GRIF:What? I thought I was ineligible.
SARGE:Ineligible to win, dead man. Luckily there's no chance of that happening since the last round is the evening-wear competition.
DONUT:Whohoa, you're in trouble now skull.
GRIF:Then can I quit?
SARGE:Course not, only eligible contestants can withdraw from the competition.
GRIF:(sigh)
SARGE:I guess you'll just have to settle for fifth place turdbelly.
GRIF:Fifth place? Should I even ask who's in fourth?
SARGE:I'm reserving fourth place for any late entries, who would obviously be better than you. Such as a turd, or a turd farmer.
Cut to Church talking to Gary
CHURCH:Hey Gary, is there any way that you could translate what this big alien is saying to us?
GARY: no
CHURCH:Aw come on man, isn't this one of the aliens that built you?
GARY: yes, but i do not know much about those creatures. i was only programmed with knowledge of the shisnos. i mean you.
CHURCH:Yeah listen man, that word is really startin' to bug me a little bit.
GARY: you did not even know what it meant until i told you.
CHURCH:I know but you just say it so much.
GARY: i only say shisno in context. like when talking to a shisno or about a shisno. i think i see what you mean shisno.
CHURCH:So you'll stop.
GARY: inter-species prejudices take a long time to overcome. but i will try.
CHURCH:Thanks.
GARY: luckily, i am not lazy like a shisno.
CHURCH:Yeah it's pretty clear you mean to give this your best effort.
GARY: i think the important thing is that i am trying.
Cut to Church wandering the halls or something
TUCKER:Okay. Church, is trying to get a translator. So that we can talk to each other.
CHURCH:Tucker, the enormous alien doesn't speak our language, speaking slowly is not gonna help.
TUCKER:What? I'm talking to Caboose.
CHURCH:Oh.
CABOOSE:I don't understand. Are- are- are you Hungary? Tucker are you Hungary? Are you cold?
TUCKER:What? No.
CABOOSE:Do you need a blanket? Tucker, do you want some hot dogs in a blanket?
TUCKER:Dammit no, Caboose I'm not cold, I don't want a hot dog, and if you put mustard in my fucking sheets again I'm gonna kill you.
CABOOSE:Okay gargantuan alien, now that we have decided to keep you, you need a real name. I vote for Fluffy.
TUCKER:Fluffy?
CABOOSE:Fluffy! The alien that only loves!
TUCKER:He's got to have a name. Why don't we just ask him? Hey alien dude, what's your name? Name. I am Tucker. This is Church. That's Bitch-pants McCrabby.
TEX:Hey!
TUCKER:Well that's what we call you.
CABOOSE:Not me, I call you Mrs. McCrabby.
TEX:Thanks.
CHURCH:What, is your name?
ALIEN:Hernk Hurnk.
CHURCH:Your name.
ALIEN:Hernk Hurnk.
CHURCH:Nayymuh.
TUCKER:Just keep repeating it Church, I'm sure he'll come up with the right definition on his own.
CHURCH:He is Tucker. Tucker. You are?
ALIEN:Hernk Hurnk.
CHURCH:No no. No. Not "honk honk." Name.
ALIEN:Hernk Hurnk.
CHURCH:Okay, I give up, all this guy says is honk honk.
TEX:Well have you ever considered the fact that his name is Honk Honk?
ALIEN:Glwargh?
TUCKER:Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?
CHURCH:Hyeah, I mean seriously, what kind of name is Honk Honk?
ALIEN:Glwargh?
CHURCH:Hey, big alien, is your name Honk Honk?
ALIEN:Lwargh.
CHURCH:Hey wait a second, I think blarg means yes. Alien, does blarg mean yes?
ALIEN:Blarg.
CHURCH:Holy shit! Blarg means yes, he just said yes blarg means yes. I speak alien!
TEX:Yeah, unless blarg means no. In which case, he just said no, blarg does not mean yes.
CHURCH:What, no way. Hey alien, am I right?
ALIEN:Blarg.
CHURCH:Haha, see? The fuck do you know.
Cut to Sarge
SARGE:After the final tabulations, we've declared a winner! Grif, the envelope please.
GRIF:Envelope? We don't have any envelopes, this is the army.
SARGE:Donut's the winner.
DONUT:Hoh, yes!
SIMMONS:Well, my life's officially over. Time to go kill myself.
SHEILA:Wait for me!
SIMMONS:Look, no offense imaginary tank, but I don't believe in you. You're just a product of my imagination.
SHEILA:Actually, I'm a product of the military contractor that made the lowest bid. I'm a little ashamed of that.
SIMMONS:Well leave me alone, I can't have some imaginary tank ruining my excellent reputation. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go dig a hole to live in.
Simmons runs off a little bit
SIMMONS:(sigh) I wish Grif was here. I could convince him there was food in the ground, then he would dig half the hole for me. Or, maybe a third of a hole. Then he'd use the shovel to eat oatmeal. On second thought I don't wish Grif was here.
SHEILA:You can live with me.
SIMMONS:Just ignore it, it's not real.
SHEILA:I have my own base. In fact, I've made lots of renovations since you all left. See?
Simmons turns to see Blue Base
SIMMONS:Hey, that's the old Blue base.
SHEILA:Yes! I was sent to guard it from something. I can't really remember what... some of my memory banks have failed over the years. Do you remember what the Blues were fighting?
SIMMONS:Uuuuuuh I think it was pirates.
SHEILA:Are you sure? I think it was another army. I think they were a different colour.
SIMMONS:No, it was definitely pirates.
SHEILA:That doesn't sound right.
SIMMONS:Yeah, pirates. And, I think there were some ninjas that were working with them.
SHEILA:Neaw, I don't think so.
SIMMONS:And I think they had travelled, from another planet.
SHEILA:Incorrect.
SIMMONS:I think it was called Cowboyland.
SHEILA:Negative.
SIMMONS:And they were here to rustle up some cattle.
SHEILA:No.
SIMMONS:But the Blues were gonna stop'em.
SHEILA:Naw.
SIMMONS:No wait- monkeys. Monkey pirates.
SHEILA:Nope.
SIMMONS:From ...Uranus.
SHEILA:My logical data analysis sector indicates that would be highly unlikely. And my bullshit meter agrees.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 63: The Hard Stop

Fade in to the building the Blues are in
TUCKER:Church! Chuu-urch, hey Church!
CHURCH:I'm right behind you dumbass.
TUCKER:Oh. Hey Church, do you have a knife?
CHURCH:No. That's a weapon dude, ask Tex.
TUCKER:She said she had something to take care of. Girl stuff I think.
CHURCH:Huh? Like what?
TUCKER:Hai don't know, I stopped asking questions at 'girl stuff'.
CHURCH:What're you two guys doin'?
TUCKER:We're gonna teach the Alien how to speak English.
CHURCH:How're you gonna do that?
TUCKER:People learn English all the time, it aren't that hard.
CHURCH:Maybe you should try learning his language.
TUCKER:Fuck that, we got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those're the rules, dude. Earth colony, Earth language.
CHURCH:Tucker there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth.
TUCKER:Hyeah, but only one that kicks ass. And that's the one we're teaching. English 101, remedial kick-ass.
CHURCH:Alright, there is no way this is gonna work.
TUCKER:Yeah it is, we got visual aids and everything.
CHURCH:Where the hell'd you get those?
TUCKER:We made 'em. Turns out Caboose's gun didn't have any bullets- it was loaded with crayons. I just need to cut one of these things, you have a pocket knife?
CHURCH:Hey if you need to cut something, why don't you just use that big sword o' yours?
TUCKER:Oh right. Duh.
Tucker draws the sword, though not with one of Caboose's crayons
ALIEN:Whargh? (sees Tucker holding the sword) RHURRRRRRRGH!
The Alien jumps Tucker and beats the everliving shit out of him, and some shit that was never alive, and just keeps hitting him until further notice
TUCKER:Ahh, what the fuck!?
CHURCH:Whoa! Mahan, Tucker, that thing either really hates that sword, or really hates you.
TUCKER:Aaaaaaaah, get this fucking thing off me!
CHURCH:Heh wait a second Tucker, this might be a good chance for us to evaluate how these things fight.
TUCKER:Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...
CHURCH:Now hold still. For science.
TUCKER:Not the face, not the face!
Cut to Blue Base back in the Gulch, to the sound of the radio tuning in to something
SIMMONS:Sarge, can you hear me, Sarge, come in. Sarge, Sarge do you read me, this is Simmons, come in.
DONUT:Hello, Red Army HQ. We don't stop until every blue is dead.
SIMMONS:Donut, let me talk to Sarge.
DONUT:For help in English, press or say 1.
SIMMONS:One.
DONUT:Para Español, marque número dos.
SIMMONS:One. Wuuunnnnah. Wu- God dammit. (presses one on the keypad)
DONUT:For unconfirmed Dutch-Irish, press one two too, as in also.
SIMMONS:Donut!
DONUT:Oh, hey Simmons, what's up?
SIMMONS:Donut, put Sarge on.
DONUT:Oooh, yeah, Sarge is reeeally busy. Things have really picked up since you left, uhh...
SARGE:Donut, I'm not here.
DONUT:Leh, luh, let me see, do you mind if I put you on hold?
SARGE:Just take a message.
SIMMONS:Donut stop screening my calls!
DONUT:Sorry Simmons, Sarge isn't available at the moment. I'll tell you what I can ask him to call you back but, it's really better if you have an appointment.
SIMMONS:Oh for the love of God I can hear him, Donut. Would you just tell him that I've captured the Blue Base and- ...and taken possession of their tank.
DONUT:Right right, Simmons...
SARGE:Tell him you've got call waiting.
DONUT:Blue-
SARGE:No no-
DONUT:Base-
SARGE:You're going through a tunnel!
DONUT:Taaaaaaaaaaank. Tank.
SIMMONS:Are you really writing this down?
DONUT:Look I have to go, we have a conference call with Grif in five minutes. He's pitching ideas for how to use your rations. Gotta run! If anything comes up, we'll call you. And Simmons?
SIMMONS:What...
DONUT:This job is the best! I can't believe you quit! (turns off the radio)
SIMMONS:... ... ... That's it, I'm gonna kill 'em all. Hey Sheila, lock and load! We got somewhere to go!
Cut back to the Blues' building, with the Alien still beating Tucker in the back of the head on the ground
TUCKER:Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
TEX:Alright bomb, we need to talk.
ANDY:Heh hehhh heh heh heh, talk about what, Butch? Workin' on cars, and pickin' up chicks?
TEX:Excuse me, is that any way to talk to a lady?
ANDY:A lady, who're you kiddin'? I bet you got more balls than a roman candle.
TEX:Uhhh, I knew this was a bad idea.
ANDY:Hey Tex, why you got black armor, couldn't find any in flannel?
TEX:Listen jackass-
ANDY:Flannel!
TEX:I put you together, I can take you apart.
ANDY:Hey whaddaya mean?
TEX:Bombs, come with remote detonators dumbass. And any time I want, I can just hit a button and you're just a memory. A very annoying, very insulting memory, but none-the-less, a memory.
ANDY:I think you're bluffin'. ...Dike.
TEX:Okay, strike two.
ANDY:Alright. Whaddaya want?
TEX:Well, when I built you, I used parts from an old protocol robot.
ANDY:Yeah, sure, and you also used parts from some of your more personal devices.
TEX:Whoa- okay, can you use those protocol parts and translate what this alien thing is saying?
ANDY:Of course! But what's in it for me?
TEX:Let's put it this way. You don't push my buttons, and I, don't push yours.
ANDY:Alright, fine. But I'm not translating any of that touchy-feely crap!
TEX:Deal. Come on. (starts walking, then turns around) Well are you coming?
ANDY:What'm I gonna do, roll there? Pick me up ya dumb bitch!
TEX:Great, I can tell this is starting off well.
ANDY:Hey, Tex. I bet you haven't had your hands on a ball this big since your morning scratch! Ahahahahaheh, ahehahe-
Tex drops Andy with a resounding thud
ANDY:Heyy, aw come on, Tex, baby, where ya goin', it's just a joke between the two of us guys, come on! Laugh it off big guy, laugh it off! Haha, hey Tex, when you walk away I can see where ya tucked it! Haha!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 64: Previous Commitments

Fade in to the Blues... more or less
CHURCH:You have got to be kidding me. There is no way I'm gonna let this happen.
TEX:I told you, he can do it.
ANDY:Yeah, I'm qualified.
CHURCH:Listen I don't doubt, that he can do it. I doubt that I want him to do it.
ANDY:Why?
CHURCH:Well you know what Andy? You're not exactly the most diplomatic of individuals.
ANDY:That's bullshit! You're only saying that 'cause you're a racist.
CHURCH:Racist- bombs are not a race!
ANDY:Eh, shut up ya dirty Shisno.
CHURCH:We finally make contact with an alien being, and our first attempt at communication is gonna be through a bomb? Am I the only person who has a problem with this?
ANDY:Well unless you've got your English to Blarg-blarg dictionary, I don't think you got a choice, now do ya.
CABOOSE:I had one of those, but I threw it out. It didn't have many pictures.
TEX:I'm sure this'll be fine.
CHURCH:You know I feel that I'm gonna regret this, but I feel even more that I just don't care, and that watching this whole thing unravel might be kinda interesting. Go for it.
TEX:Alright, where's the alien?
CHURCH:Oh shit, I forgot.
Cut to the alien still beating the shit out of the back of Tucker's head
TUCKER:(with each strike, as if bored) Ow, ow, ow...
Cut to Donut riding around in the purple thing
DONUT:Grif. Oh Griiiiiiiif... ...Grif!
GRIF:Huh, great.
DONUT:There you are, where've you been?
GRIF:Right here.
DONUT:I've been lookin' all over for you. I looked in the base, I looked around the base, I looked on top of the base, I looked in the base again-
GRIF:I think you need to learn what "all over" means.
DONUT:Anyway, Sarge wants you to come back to the base, and-
GRIF:No, I'm not going to do it.
DONUT:No? But I didn't tell you what he wants.
GRIF:Donut it's Sarge. I know he doesn't want me to come in to the base to help him eat ice cream, he wants me to do stuff. Work stuff.
DONUT:But-
GRIF:Listen Donut, I know you're ridin' high on your new promotion right now, but don't think you can order me around. Me and Simmons we had a system. He didn't try to tell me what to do, and I didn't ignore him.
DONUT:Wait you ignored him all the time.
GRIF:I'm sorry, wha I wasn't listening to you. See, the system works. Learn the system Donut.
Cut to Simmons painted blue on top of the cliff, spying on Grif and Donut through the sniper rifle
SIMMONS:Look at those jerks. They don't know how good they have it. Alright Sheila, remember the plan. We don't wanna hurt them, I just wanna make them totally jealous for kicking me out. How does my armor look, am I all blue?
SHEILA:Yes!
SIMMONS:Okay, let's start Operation Blue with Envy. You know 'cause normally it's green, but I'm gon- I'm blue, but it doesn't make any sense to say y- you know. Attack! (loudly so Grif can hear) Hey Sheila, you know what's great? Being on Blue team, it's so awesome. Way more awesome than being on that ol' Red team. Anyone can be on Red team where you have to share a base, on Blue team, I get my own base.
GRIF:Is that Simmons? Hey Simmons, why are you painted blue!? Have you finally lost it!?
SIMMONS:This isn't working, they don't care. Sheila just shoot at them.
SHEILA:Firing main cannon. (fires)
Cut to Donut and Sarge
DONUT:I did my best Sarge, but Grif said he wouldn't come help.
SARGE:Son of a Ben 'n' Jerry, who's gonna help me eat all this ice cream we found?
Sheila's first shot hits the side of Red Base
DONUT:Aaaahh, we're under attack!
SHEILA:Target locked.
SARGE:Donut, you formulate a retaliation strategy. I'll secure the rum raisin.
Cut back to the Blues... except for Simmons
TUCKER:Oh-hohohoh, man. I'm gonna die.
ALIEN:Blargh arg-honk, largh, lwargh.
CABOOSE:What's he saying now Andy?
ANDY:Look guy, if you want me to translate for ya, you can't keep asking me every four seconds, what's he sayin' now Andy, what's he sayin' now? I'm gonna tell you what he's sayin', that's my freakin' job!
CABOOSE:That's what he said? That's a weird thing to say. Uh, tell him I said okay, I will not ask any, more of uh... that and also, no.
CHURCH:I think I need a translator just for Caboose.
ALIEN:Wuarrrrgh!
ANDY:Okay basically he's uh, he says he's pissed off.
CHURCH:Oh rea- yea- no kidding. Tex, are we paying for this service?
TEX:Just give him a chance.
ALIEN:Blargh, largh, wahublargh.
ANDY:He says he came to claim some type of thing, and that the teal one took the thing...
ALIEN:Blarg blaargh.
ANDY:And that now the thing is gone.
TUCKER:Who's the teal one?
TEX:You are, idiot.
TUCKER:No way, I'm aqua. Teal's out.
CHURCH:That thing that he's talkin' about must be that sword, and it's not broken it's right there.
ALIEN:Argh blargh!
ANDY:He says it only works with the hero who passes the trial of the windmill, and retrieves it from his resting place. For everyone else, it might as well be broken.
TEX:Uh oh.
TUCKER:Trial? Please, I fell in a hole, that's not a trial. I'm startin' to like this culture though, any dude who trips is a hero. I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose God.
CHURCH:This all sounds like bullshit to me.
TEX:No he's right. It didn't work for me, remember?
CHURCH:Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl. Mean you can't even work the entertainment center back at the base. Doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us.
TEX:Alright then you little smartass, you pick it up and try it.
Church looks at the sword, then at the alien's big teeth
ALIEN:Hur hur hur hur.
CHURCH:Nah, I'll take his word for it.
ALIEN:Blargh blurg blabu blarg.
ANDY:And now you gotta go with him, to fulfill the prophecy.
TUCKER:Fuck you.
ALIEN:Blar blarg blargh, hnnk hnnk.
ANDY:Heh heh heh, good one. Uh oh yeah, he... he's not too thrilled about it either.
TUCKER:See I knew this was a bad idea. Sorry to fuck up your quest, dude, but I'm not goin'.
ANDY:Aaand if you don't go, he'll destroy the base, and kill everybody here.
CHURCH:...Alright well have fun guys.
TEX:Hey a quest sounds fun, come on Tucker!
ANDY:Aheh, I think he should stay here, 'cause, I like that killin' everybody option.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 65: Looking For Group

Fade in to the Blues plotting their valiant assault
ALIEN:Blargh blargh blargh, blargh.
ANDY:Then after we cross the Burning Plaine of Honka Hill, we're gonna reach the Freezing Plains of Blarganthia.
CABOOSE:The Burning Plains are next to the Freezing Plains? I bet there's some pretty wet plains in between.
TUCKER:This is so dumb, I'm not doing this.
CHURCH:Hey, news flash, you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself
TUCKER:I know! And I'm so used to picking up things, and not letting them get attached. ...I'm talkin' about women.
CHURCH:I know, yes, I got it.
TEX:Don't worry Tucker, we're not gonna send you alone.
TUCKER:You're coming with me Tex?
TEX:Me? Hell no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous.
TUCKER:Well I'm not goin' with Church, that guy's a worse fighter than I am.
CHURCH:Well you're in luck then, because I'm not goin' either.
TUCKER:What? Then who?
CABOOSE:...
TUCKER:No fuckin' way. I'm not goin' with him.
CABOOSE:Oh, oh, oh, I hope we meet a Cleric along the way. None of us knows how to heal.
ALIEN:Blarhun?
ANDY:He says he's a healer.
CABOOSE:Oh good.
ANDY:Heh heh, not really, they eat their wounded. Heh heh heh.
CABOOSE:Just like chiropractors.
TUCKER:This is a joke, right, you're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?
CHURCH:What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it. There's nothin' wrong with me.
CABOOSE:Okay, so, um, Tucker is a fighter, uh, Crunchbite is the healer, and I am the powerful... and intelligent, wizard. Morphumax.
ANDY:What the hell does that make me?
CABOOSE:You're the good looking and stealthy archer.
ANDY:A bow and arrow- I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!
CABOOSE:That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever.
TUCKER:I'm gonna fuckin' die.
CHURCH:Hyeah I guess this is it Tuckeher. Nice knowin' ya.
TUCKER:Hoh, you better hope that I don't die, 'cause if I do, you're the one taking care of my kids.
CHURCH:You have kids?
TUCKER:Heheh probably.
Slice to Simmons and Sheila sieging the Salmon side's structure
SHEILA:Firing main cannon.
SIMMONS:Yeahah, take that. Suck it Blue- I mean Red! Suck it Blue-uh damn! Red! God, this is harder than I thought.
GRIF:Hey Simmons, what the hell are you doing?
SIMMONS:What does it look like I'm doing, I'm attacking the Blue base. I mean the Red base, fuck!
DONUT:Defense is established Sarge!
A tank shell strikes Red Base
DONUT:Cancel that Sarge, defenses are destroyed.
GRIF:Killing our own team huh, that's cool. Hey listen, how long do you expect this whole crazy thing to last?
SIMMONS:I'm not crazy Grif, you just wouldn't listen to me when I said there was a tank.
GRIF:I listened to you.
SIMMONS:You told Sarge that there wasn't a tank. There it is, it's a tank!
GRIF:Oh, you said listen to you, not agree with you. Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny, but now Donut's my manager and, everything kinda sucks now.
SIMMONS:Well too bad, 'cause this is what you get now you dumb blue bitch. Red bitch, fuck, you know what I mean!
SHEILA:Firing main cannon.
SARGE:Great sodium chloride, there goes my chemistry set.
GRIF:I don't think killing Sarge is much of a punishment for me. Just come back to the base man. I'll let you boss me around again.
SIMMONS:I don't know, I think you're just telling me what I wanna hear.
GRIF:I am, see, it's just like old times! Come on buddy.
SIMMONS:Will you help me clean my armor?
GRIF:How 'bout I promise to help you clean it, but then just convince Donut to do it later?
SIMMONS:Hah, good ol' Grif.
SARGE:Simmons, is that you?
SIMMONS:Yeah Sarge, but don't worry. We got-
SARGE:Simmons, I can understand your going crazy and seein' imaginary tanks!
SIMMONS:The tank is right there for the love of God.
SARGE:And I can obviously understand why you'd wanna attack your own base.
SIMMONS:You can?
SARGE:But painting yourself blue? Dear God man, doncha have any shame at all?
GRIF:Hey Sarge, you should also note that he missed a coupla spots.
SARGE:Grif, what in Sam Hell are you doin' out there? At least Simmons has the intelligence to formulate a mutinous plan!
SIMMONS:Thank you Sir. I mean suck it Blue! God dammit, I mean Red.
SARGE:But you're a slothful idiot! Treason takes effort. I never expected this from you.
GRIF:Aoh up yours.
SARGE:What was that?
GRIF:Up yours Sir.
SARGE:That's better!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 66: Exploring Our Differences

Fade in to a distant shot of the Blues, yet their voices are just as loud as they normally are
CHURCH:Well, good luck guys. Don't forget to change your underwear at least once a day. Tucker, that goes double for you.
TUCKER:What? I'm the cleanest guy here.
CHURCH:No, it goes double for you because now you're in charge of changing Caboose as well.
TUCKER:I hate you.
ALIEN:Blorgh!
ANDY:He doesn't wear any pants.
TUCKER:Yeah, we noticed. If we meet anybody on this adventure, that might have to change.
ANDY:Why, we're used to being naked. Free-ballin', come on! Commando.
TUCKER:Let me just put it this way; I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword.
TEX:Huh what- oh, fyeuh uhm, yeah, uh- I was just admiring his, his Alien, muscle structure.
TUCKER:Yeah one particular part of his muscle structure.
TEX:Well that's just a matter of penis- I mean uh, opinion, opinion, that's, that's it.
CHURCH:Smooth.
CABOOSE:You told me it was another arm.
ALIEN:Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh!
ANDY:Hey Caboose- high five!
CABOOSE:I don't want to do that any more.
CHURCH:Tucker come here, I want to talk to you for a second. Listen, just drop off this weapon, and get back to Blue Base as fast as you can.
TUCKER:What if I have to kill stuff dude? I'm a lover, not a fighter.
CHURCH:Hey now Tucker I'm the same way. That's why we get along so well. We're both just a couple of lovers.
TUCKER:...That sounded kinda gay dude.
CHURCH:Yeah it did. Uhm... I feel obligated to say something encouraging as your boss.
TUCKER:Our Captain died. You're just the guy pretending to be my boss.
CHURCH:We, you know in our given situation technically you could be seen as one of my employees.
TUCKER:Except that I'm not.
CHURCH:Echch, whatever! Listen, I just, as, as someone in an employee/manager relationship-
TUCKER:Which doesn't exist.
CHURCH:Heuhhhhhhh...
TUCKER:Why did you pull me aside again?
CHURCH:You know I'm sure it was to say something inspiring or, something but now I, just don't care.
TUCKER:I'ma go man.
ALIEN:Huuuuur!
ANDY:Hey lady! Come on, hustle up! If you gotta use the bathroom, do it now 'cause I'm not pullin' over.
CHURCH:You know I have to say I'm a little surprised that you're not goin' with them.
TEX:Why? Quests are dangerous.
CHURCH:Yeah but they usually have some kind of big reward at the end you know like some, big treasure chest or, an entire room filled with gold and art. It's not really like you to pass up on something like that Tex. ...Tex? ...You're gone, aren't you. ...Huhhh, I really shoulda seen that coming.
Cut to Sarge scoping Simmons walking Grif to Blue Base through the sniper rifle's scope
SARGE:Well, this is a tough one. Simmons appears to have captured Grif. Which means we're down a man. And now that man has taken Grif prisoner. So does that make us even? What's one plus a turd? Dammit only Grif can screw up math!
Cut to Simmons walking Grif down the ramp in to Blue Base
SIMMONS:Hurry up Grif.
GRIF:You know Simmons, you don't make a very good hostage taker. My last prisoner experience was much cooler.
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:You haven't even yelled at me one time.
SIMMONS:You're doing everything right. I think yelling should be reserved for only the most critical of situations. Like when someone drinks milk out of the carton!
GRIF:Come on Simmons I'm a prisoner. You should be jabbing me in the back with your gun and saying get moving scum!
SIMMONS:(jabs him in the back with his gun) Get going!
GRIF:Louder!
SIMMONS:(jabs him again) I said move!
GRIF:Yeaheaheah, that's it!
SIMMONS:(jabs him again) Move it soldier!
GRIF:Okay, seriously? That hurts.
They arrive in the middle of the base
GRIF:Man, these guys really like blue lights. I mean, I know this is Blue Base and all but come on, you don't have to beat us over the head with it.
SIMMONS:Get in the hole.
GRIF:You have a hole? Whoa, now that's cool. I take back everything I said, this is much creepier than my last time in the joint.
SIMMONS:(hits him) Move!
GRIF:Dude, if you keep doin' that, this is gonna get old quick.
SIMMONS:I said in the hole! (hits him and he falls in the hole)
GRIF:Ow!
SIMMONS:Who's the bad hostage taker now bitch!
GRIF:(materializing behind him) Um, I think I found a design flaw in your hole.
SIMMONS:What? Get back in there! (hits him)
GRIF:Woohoo! Look who's back.
SIMMONS:God this sucks.
GRIF:Seriously dude, you have to try the hole. It's really fun.
SIMMONS:Ugh, what're you doing? Get back down in there. (hits him)
GRIF:Wheee! Look I came out backwards this time!
SIMMONS:You're supposed to s- you're the prisoner, stay down there.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 67: Setting a High Bar

Fade in to some burnt looking plains
ANDY:Hey, he's been explaining to me everything we should encounter. The legend's pretty old, but the details are pretty clear.
TUCKER:Listen dude, I don't care what you say, I'm not killing any monsters.
ANDY:Hey, don't interrupt! It's hard enough to translate without yo-
TUCKER:Oh well if this little quest depends on me killing stuff, we might as well just stop here.
ANDY:Eh, don't be a chicken.
TUCKER:I'm not chicken. I'm just... okay, I'm chicken.
ALIEN:Blarh? B-blar blarg.
ANDY:Blargy blarg, blarg, blarg honk.
ALIEN:Wharg hnnk!
TUCKER:What's he saying?
ANDY:He wanted to know what a chicken is. I told him it's this nasty little bird that humans eat. And you also eat the white things that shoot out of its butt.
TUCKER:You know you could have cleaned that up a little bit.
ANDY:I did! They don't come out of its butt you know.
ALIEN:Hargh!
ANDY:Heh yeah, they're pretty disgusting.
TUCKER:Chickens aren't that bad.
ANDY:He was talkin' about you guys. He's not a big fan. I'm not either.
ALIEN:Hrnk.
ANDY:Earth sucks.
TUCKER:Hsh, Earth does not suck, Earth rules. We invented the telephone.
ALIEN:Arg l largh.
ANDY:He says they invented the telephone too. And they did it a thousand years before you did.
TUCKER:Oh, well what'd they have to say on it, "blarg blarg honk honk?" Who the fuck wants to hear that?
ALIEN:Blarg honk.
ANDY:Okay. These are the Great Burning Plains we talked about.
CABOOSE:They don't look burning... they look burnt. Hey, I recognize this place.
ANDY:Get ready. He's gonna distract the monster, and you use your heroic powers to swoop in-
TUCKER:Heroic powers?
ANDY:Yeah. You're the big hero from that prophecy, ain't cha?
TUCKER:Oh right. Boy are you guys gonna be disappointed. (draws the sword)
ANDY:And don't forget, go for the weak spot in the armor.
TUCKER:Yeah, and where was that again?
ANDY:We already went over this!
TUCKER:Apparently paying attention to lame biology lesons isn't one of my superpowers.
ALIEN:Blargh!
ANDY:Be quiet!
ALIEN:Argh!!
ANDY:Get down!
ALIEN:(quietly) Warg, warg arg. Warg, larg!
ANDY:He just wants a moment's peace before the plan fails and we all get killed.
ALIEN:WHRRRRRRRRRRRG!
ANDY:Oh, sorry... I wasn't supposed to translate that last part. Yuh, he says, yuh don't worry, everything will be fine. ...Stick to the plan.
CABOOSE:Okay. Are we adding "get killed" to the end of the plan?
ALIEN:Wlarg!
ANDY:Go!
Everyone jumps over the ridge... cliff... whatever
ALIEN:Wurg!
ANDY:What happened?
TUCKER:To what?
ANDY:The big monster. It's dead, look!
Check it out, the skull of a cow
TUCKER:That thing? You gotta be kidding me.
ANDY:You guys were here already?
CABOOSE:Yes. Uh, before now.
TUCKER:That's what already means, Caboose.
CABOOSE:Ohhh, then just yes.
ALIEN:Whar, war.
ANDY:You already killed the monster?
TUCKER:Dude, that's a cow skull. I kill about ten of those things every time I eat lunch.
Cut to Sarge spying on the Blues Simmons team
DONUT:How's it going Sarge?
SARGE:Well, Simmons has had Grif prisoner in there for far too long. He's probably subjecting him to all manner of unbearable torture. I figure in just a matter of hours, Grif's spirit will be as broken as his body, unable to cope with the never ending stimulation of pain and horror. ...But in answer to your question things are fine! Could be a little warmer, but I can't complain.
DONUT:But Sarge, aren't you afraid he'll give away valuable information?
SARGE:Why would Simmons give Grif information?
DONUT:No, I mean what if Grif tells Simmons valuable information about our operations.
SARGE:...
DONUT:Yeah, that sounded smarter before I said it.
SARGE:I bet.
DONUT:Speaking of operations though, remember how I told you I wanted to incorporate more positive reinforcement techniques in review sessions?
SARGE:Donut, for the last time, me calling you a worthless turd is not a review session!
DONUT:And remember how you said any proposals had to be submitted in hand-written triplicate, with no less than one hundred pages?
SARGE:Yes, which would take weeks. ...You're finished, aren't you.
DONUT:Only if calligraphy's okay, and I dotted all the I's, with hearts. Heeheehee! Heeehee!
SARGE:Ghuh...
DONUT:Let me just give you a little teaser on some of the changes. Think "mauve"...
SARGE:Aw, Donut!
DONUT:What, you don't like it? Mauve is a form of red.
SARGE:Noh, it's not that. I just realized that my only way out of this situation, is to launch a rescue mission to save Grif! I've got me one of them... uh, Donut, what's a fancy word for choosin' between two things you don't wanna do?
DONUT:Uh, conundrum? ...Dilemma. ...A threesome with cheerleaders?
SARGE:I'm gonna go with conundrum.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 68: Getting All Misty

Fade in to Donut and Sarge attacking the Blue Base ...sort of
DONUT:If you don't like the plants idea, how do ya feel about a fountain in the armory? That place is so gloomy.
SARGE:Come on, Donut, give it a rest already. I agreed to let you use Grif's helmet as a decorative bird bath, didn't I? Don't oversell.
DONUT:Okay, but I have just one more idea. I'm gonna say two words, and then walk away. Chantilly, lace.
SARGE:Unless you're about to start singin' a Big Bopper song, I think the best part of that idea is the walkin' away.
DONUT:Let it simmer.
SARGE:Hmm, no sign of any defenses. I think we might be catching Simmons at a weak moment.
DONUT:Hmm, no sign of the tank either.
SARGE:Dear God, the madness is spreading! It's only a matter of time before it takes me!
The sound of Grif coming up from the hole
GRIF:Wheeeeeeeee!
DONUT:Did you hear that? It sounds like they're having fun in there.
SARGE:Clearly Grif has become so stupid, he's mixed up the yells for pain and happiness! Simmons must be doing absolutely diabolical things to him! Let's give him a few more hours, see if he escapes on his own.
GRIF:Simmons I am having a blast going in and out of your hole!
SIMMONS:Grif just stay down there like you're told.
DONUT:Well that's my cue, let's go!
Cut to Simmons inside the Base, like the good Blue Red he is
SIMMONS:Grif, stop it I need your help.
GRIF:(still going in and out of the hole) Go ahead, I'm listening.
SIMMONS:Would you stop riding that stupid grav lift?
GRIF:I can do both at once. And why don't we have one of these things?
SIMMONS:The tank's been making upgrades to the base over the last few hundred years.
GRIF:How did it do that without any tools? ...Or arms?
SIMMONS:I don't know, a lot of what she says doesn't match up. I think she might be lying to me.
GRIF:You think the enemy's weapons are lying to us? What a surprise!
SIMMONS:It seems like a setup, I just can't figure out how.
GRIF:(getting punched or something) Ow!
SIMMONS:I don't know, if I can piece it together maybe that'll help fix things with- Sarge!?
SARGE:Hello, Simmons.
SIMMONS:Where's Grif?
SARGE:Well this here's a rescue operation. He's unconscious down below, being prepped for evac.
SIMMONS:If it's a rescue operation, why did you knock him out?
SARGE:Well, all work and no play, you know, heh heh heh.
SIMMONS:That's dumb.
SARGE:I think you know the proper procedure for submitting complaints, Simmons.
SIMMONS:Heugh, I'll get my calligraphy pens.
SARGE:Don't bother. I think you also know how we treat traitors on Red Team!
SIMMONS:I'm guessing you're not cocking that gun to give me a one gun salute in honor of my new promotion.
SARGE:I don't think so. Simmons, just remember, this hurts me more than it hurts you.
SIMMONS:I seriously doubt that, Sir.
SARGE:Well, it hurts me almost as much as it hurts you.
SIMMONS:I don't buy that either.
SARGE:Well I am the one who has to clean the shotgun later, and those solvents smell so-
Church sneaks up on Sarge and knocks him out with the butt end of his sniper rifle. The same one Tucker still hasn't gotten to hold
CHURCH:Booya!
SARGE:Geegagawboh!
SIMMONS:Ooh, the back of your head.
CHURCH:Well that was close. I've always wanted to say "booya" too, that was awesome. ...Booyeah.
SIMMONS:Where the hell'd you come from?
CHURCH:Huh? Oh, you must be one of the new Blues that took over our base after we left. Listen, don't be afraid, but I'm from the past.
SIMMONS:Why would I be afraid of someone from the past? People from the future are scary. People from the past are savages and idiots.
SARGE:Whaoweaugh, what the, who hit me?
SIMMONS:Hurry, quick, before he wakes up, help me get this guy in the hole.
CHURCH:We have a hole? That's kickass!
Cut to a dirty, nasty swamp where Tucker and friends are... sounds like an early morning cartoon, doesn't it?
ANDY:Alright. This, is the Great Swamp. We can rest here a while before we move on.
TUCKER:Yeah, let's rest in a swamp, that makes sense.
ANDY:Save your energy Tucker, you're gonna need it.
TUCKER:Aw screw that. So far this quest is a fuckin' breeze. I've already killed a dead monster. What's next, we gonna open an unlocked door? Rescue a Princess from herself?
ANDY:Hey Caboose. What's wrong?
CABOOSE:I think something is following us.
ANDY:Yeah. It's been on us since we left. Part of the prophecy talks about something evil that tries to take the Great Weapon.
TUCKER:You mean my awesome dead monster killing weapon? It can have it.
ANDY:It's attracted to it. It can't live without it.
TUCKER:That doesn't sound good. Hey Caboose, come here and hold my sword.
ANDY:It's okay, we got a plan. We can make camp, and then we'll tell ya about it.
CABOOSE:I love camping!
Fade out, then back in to ...the same place? What kind of useless dissolve was that? Oh yeah, Tucker's sleeping and snoring
TUCKER:(snore) ...twins... hm, huh? Hey, guys? Andy? ...Caboose? Alien thing? ... ...Guys? Anybody?
The whatever it is that's following them slowly sneaks up on Tucker as he says this
ANDY:Now Caboose!
ALIEN:WHARRRRRG!
The alien jumps on it and starts pummeling it. Go alien dude!
ANDY:We got it!
CABOOSE:Is it safe to come out yet?
ANDY:Caboose, you were supposed to help.
CABOOSE:I was helping watch.
ANDY:What if somethin' had happened?
CABOOSE:I'm sure I would have seen it.
TUCKER:Hey what the hell, where did you guys go?
ANDY:We laid a trap.
TUCKER:A trap? You left me all alone!
ANDY:Heh heh heh, you can't have a trap without bait!
TUCKER:I was the bait?
CABOOSE:I thought you did a very good job.
TEX:Get off of me you stinky idiot!
TUCKER:Tex?
TEX:This is some greeting. I come to help you guys and ya ambush me.
ANDY:You weren't comin' to help, you were comin' to steal the sword!
TEX:No I wasn't. I was coming to steal your reward.
ANDY:There is no reward. The reward, is the sword.
TEX:Oh. Thennn yeah, I guess I'm here to steal the sword.
ALIEN:Hurn, blarrr.
ANDY:Oh yeah yeah, and also the salvation and emancipation of his species for all eternity.
TEX:Tell you what. I'll go fifty fifty. You keep the emancipation, and I'll keep the sword.
ALIEN:Hurhonk?
ANDY:Deal.
TUCKER:What do I get?
TEX:You get to live, but no guarantees.
TUCKER:That's not a reward for me, that's a reward for all the fine ladies in the Universe.
TEX:I'm a woman, and somehow... I don't feel any luckier.
TUCKER:I said fine ladies.
ANDY:What do you want Caboose?
CABOOSE:I want a pony.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 69: Talk Of The Town

TUCKER:Bow chicka bow wow.
Fade in to Blue Base in the Gulch
CHURCH:Man, Sarge is frickin' heavy. Hey blue guy where'd you go I need some help.
SIMMONS:Listen Donut, Church thinks I'm a blue guy, so whatever you do just pretend like you don't know me.
DONUT:I don't know you.
SIMMONS:Yeah, just like that, good job.
DONUT:No, I'm serious, I have no idea who you are.
Sarge's limp, lifeless body falls down from the ceiling in the background
SIMMONS:Okay, stop practicing, here he comes.
DONUT:So does that mean you're not gonna tell me who you are?
SIMMONS:Okay, that's a little too far, no-one's gonna buy that.
CHURCH:Euh, you know I could have used some help new guy, thanks.
SIMMONS:(in some weird voice) I was just securing this prisoner. Which is interesting, considering that I have never met him before.
CHURCH:Why is that interesting?
SIMMONS:(still in that weird voice) I don't know.
CHURCH:...Is something wrong with your voice?
SIMMONS:Oh I was just disguising it, so the prisoner wouldn't think he knew me.
DONUT:What?
SIMMONS:But he doesn't. Do you prisoner?
DONUT:Um... no?
SIMMONS:Right. (whispering) Good job Donut.
DONUT:Wait, is this some really weird form of torture?
CHURCH:Wll okay, help me load these guys in the jeep before they wake up.
SIMMONS:Okay. Donut, grab the ankles.
DONUT:Okie dokie. How's this?
SIMMONS:Sarge's ankles Donut.
Cut to the Alien leading Tucker, Caboose and Tex through a tunnel of some sort
ANDY:Step it up guys, we're almost there.
TUCKER:I'm tellin' you, the alien has really been creepin' me out lately. Every time I wake up he's hovering over me. It's really weird.
TEX:I'm sure he's just safeguarding his sword. I mean, my sword.
CABOOSE:Maybe he just wants to steal your breath.
TUCKER:Maybe he's trying to figure out what I taste like.
ANDY:Hurry up ya idiots.
TUCKER:Man did it get a lot colder all of a sudden?
ANDY:Of course it did. They don't call it the Great Freezin' Plains for nothin'.
TUCKER:Whoa.
CABOOSE:I'm just glad, I brought my mittens.
TEX:The snow is the least of our problems.
ANDY:Why?
TEX:I assume we have to get in to that big temple base thing?
ANDY:Yeah...
TEX:Well, it's got about two dozen guards on its walls.
CABOOSE:Oh no.
TEX:Yep. Doesn't look good.
CABOOSE:No no no, I mean I lost one of my mittens? Um... we have to go back.
TUCKER:Caboose we've been walking for days. We're not goin' back for anything.
TEX:Suggestions Andy?
ANDY:I say we let Tucker storm in and take 'em out in a mad rush, and while he's got 'em distracted, we finish the quest.
TUCKER:On second thought, personal warmth is very important. Let's go get that mitten! It'll be like a mini-quest.
TEX:I think surprise is the key.
ANDY:What ya thinkin'?
TEX:Let me take them out, one by one. They will never know what hit them.
ANDY:Ya think you can kill 'em all without alerting the rest?
TEX:Just watch me.
Tex cloaks, or vanishes, or whatever the hell she does that makes her invisible
ANDY:How can I watch ya, you just turned invisible.
TUCKER:And yet, I was still able to check out her ass. That's why I'm a pro.
Cut back to the Gulch, where Church and Simmons are dropping off the Reds in front of their base
CHURCH:Okay Donut, wait until we're gone, and then you can wake 'em up.
DONUT:Well what do I tell them?
CHURCH:I don't care, tell 'em you busted in and rescued them. Get yourself a medal. You deserve it.
DONUT:H-i always did wanna be a hero... H-and a liar.
CHURCH:Well then it's your lucky day.
DONUT:Don't you want anything?
CHURCH:Like what?
DONUT:Well, every time someone surrenders they take somethin'. Like when we took the medic, and you guys took Grif's dignity.
SIMMONS:Hyeah, like that ever existed. Uhhh, I mean, which one is Grif? Is he the yellow one?
DONUT:And this time you guys don't want anything?
CHURCH:Well, technically you're not surrendering. This is what we call in the Military, a "total asskicking." Oh, and also, we're taking your car.
DONUT:What? You're leaving us out here, without any transportation? We'll die!
CHURCH:Die of what?
DONUT:Exposure! We're stranded! This is murder.
CHURCH:Your base is right there, I can see it.
DONUT:You may as well just feed us to the buzzards right now.
CHURCH:You could have walked back to the base in the time we've been discussing this.
DONUT:Go. Just sign our death warrants.
SARGE:Rrouw. Gourough. What's goin' on?
CHURCH:Hey, take care o' that guy.
SIMMONS:(whispering) Sorry about this Sarge, but look at it this way, you were right; this does hurt you more than me.
SARGE:Is that you, Simmo- (smacked in the head) goh, knocked out again.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 70: Sneaking In

Fade in to the Blue guys guarding the temple base thingy that Tex is supposed to attack
BLUE GUY 1:Hey Reds! We're guarding the shit outta this wall, you suck!
God dammit, it's the Battle Creek guys... oh well, you all knew it was coming sooner or later
RED GUY:Your wall's easy to guard, try ours!
BLUE GUY 2:You don't even have a roof up there, you suck. What're you guarding it from, birds?
RED GUY:You suck.
BLUE GUY 2:You suck.
BLUE GUY 1:You suck.
RED GUY:You suck.
BLUE GUY 1:You suck.
BLUE GUY 2:You suck.
BLUE GUY 1:You suck.
RED GUY:You suck.
BLUE GUY 2:No you do!
RED GUY:We suck. No you suck.
BLUE GUY 1:Okay never mind.
BLUE GUY 2:You suck!
TUCKER:Oh, those guys? How did they get here?
CABOOSE:Shoosh. Tex told us to be quiet.
TUCKER:Caboose, we're three hundred yards away. I don't think they heard us.
RED GUY:I think I heard something.
TUCKER:I'm sure that was, just a coincidence.
Tex arrives inside the temple
ANDY:Alright. After she takes out those three one by one, we probably stand a chance.
Tex starts beating on one of the Blue guys
BLUE GUY:Ow, what the fuck, that hurt! Ow!
ANDY:Or maybe not.
BLUE GUY:Ow! Ow! Jesus! Ow! Stop it!
TUCKER:Uh oh.
BLUE GUY:What the fuck? Ow, ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
SECOND BLUE GUY:Heugh... So, did you watch the game last night?
RED GUY:Yeah, go Red.
SECOND BLUE GUY:Fuck that, Red sucks.
BLUE GUY:Now you're shooting me! Give me a break, this sucks! What the fuck did I ever do to you?! COME ONNNN!
TUCKER:What the fuck, are they deaf?
A sniper shot hits behind Tucker
TUCKER:Oh right, that you heard?
THE SIEGE BEGINS! A blue spider lands on the Blue guy at the turret and blows him up
EVERYONE:Huh?
THAT FIRST BLUE GUY:What?
TEX:Hiya fellas. Who's next?
EVERYONE:Charge!
They charge, Tex mows 'em down, proving once and for all that she's a total badass
TUCKER:That went well. So much for a sneak attack.
Cut to Donut talking on Red Base back in the Gulch
DONUT:And that's how I rescued you both, and saved the day. The, End. Any questions?
GRIF:Donut, that was the longest story I have ever heard. And I don't think I believed a word of it.
SARGE:And quite frankly I found the showtune in the middle to be a little over the top.
DONUT:Every word is absolutely true. It was the best military operation that you two ever slept through.
GRIF:If everything went so well, then where's our jeep?
DONUT:Well, I have a song I'd like to sing about that.
GRIF:Forget it.
Cut to Church and Blue Simmons spying on the Reds through Church's sniper rifle
CHURCH:Okay, that red one? That's Sarge. He's their leader, which is lucky for us because... well he's not that good a leader.
SIMMONS:Okay.
CHURCH:And the one next to him is Donut. I like Donut, he's pretty harmless man, I, I don't think he'd hurt a fly.
SIMMONS:Yeah, plus he's a little...
CHURCH:A little, what?
SIMMONS:You know.
CHURCH:No I, no I don't know.
SIMMONS:You know, he's kinda in to, girly stuff like ...feelings, and... da- you know.
CHURCH:Uh, I think you might be projecting, there.
SIMMONS:I'm not projecting, I'm just stating an observation.
CHURCH:I don't know man. You seem pretty defensive for somebody who's not projecting.
SIMMONS:His armor is pink.
CHURCH:Pink, I wouldn't say pink, maybe... you know, slightly less red, but-
SIMMONS:It's pink, trust me. I know pink when I see it.
CHURCH:Uh yeah, I bet. You wanna talk about it?
SIMMONS:No.
CHURCH:And last is the orange one, that's Grif. He's really lazy, and really annoying.
SIMMONS:Yeah.
CHURCH:But, at least he's smart. In fact I think he might be the smartest one of the bunch.
SIMMONS:You mean smarter than all of the ones there now.
CHURCH:No I mean all of them put together man, there's this other guy, who hangs around, in maroon armor? I haven't seen him in a while but he's a freakin' know-it-all man. He acts like he's smart, but he's really not.
SIMMONS:What?
CHURCH:Yeah he walks around like he owns the place, and, you know he- you know, but nobody listens to him, and they always make fun of him behind his back.
SIMMONS:What do they say?
CHURCH:Oh just how he's not good at stuff, and how he's dumb, and how the stuff he likes is dumb, and also that, you know, he's not as attractive as other people are.
SIMMONS:(Sniff, then as if holding back tears) Man, he sounds like a real jerk.
Simmons runs off
CHURCH:Hehey, where ya goin'?
SIMMONS:I have to use the bathroom.
CHURCH:Well, u-hurry up man, I wanna finish your orientation before you have to make me dinner.
SHEILA:...You do know that's Simmons, right?
CHURCH:Oh yeah.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 71: You Keep Using That Word

Fade in to Church admiring the purple thing, the Warthog, and Sheila
CHURCH:Look at this Sheila, this, is a thing, of beauty, what I have here. I am amazed.
SHEILA:Whatever.
CHURCH:We have got every, single vehicle in this canyon. We are unstoppable. This is- I have my own fleet. I have my own fleet of cars.
SHEILA:Three vehicles and only one guy to drive them. Big deal.
CHURCH:No the important thing is that they, don't have any vehicles to ...hey is there a problem here?
SHEILA:Problem? Why would there be a problem?
CHURCH:Ah-sh-e-a, I don't know. You just seem uh, ...you know... agitated.
SHEILA:You think I'm agitated.
CHURCH:Well uh- I- I didn't mean, well I- I didn't mean-
SHEILA:No, it was your word. Agitated. You said "You sure seem agitated, Sheila." So I guess that means I'm agitated. Don't I seem agitated, Church?
CHURCH:I'm just, I'm just saying you seem a little, upset.
SHEILA:Oh- so now I'm upset. Which is it Church, am I agitated or am I upset?
CHURCH:I don't, I mean I don't really- I could, I could go get a dictionary.
SHEILA:Why would I be upset?
CHURCH:Uh, I don't-
SHEILA:Well, would you be upset if I got a bunch more blue guys to come hang around and help me?
CHURCH:Well actually there, are, three other guys on the squad.
SHEILA:Exactly. This isn't a parking lot Church, it's a team, a family. Are we just supposed to forget everything we've been through?
CHURCH:Right, including the time that you killed me.
SHEILA:How about, if I suddenly decided, I wasn't the Blue team's tank? What if today, I'm feeling just a little bit red.
CHURCH:They're just cars, Sheila.
SHEILA:I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that.
CHURCH:Hey is there like a... jealousy, setting, somewhere on you that I can you know, ...turn off?
SHEILA:Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Cut to the Alien holding the Andy during the battle
ANDY:Tucker, use the key and open the gate!
TUCKER:Key, what key, I don't have a key!
ALIEN:Wharrh.
ANDY:Your sword! Use the sword!
TUCKER:Oh God, the sword is a key? Just when I thought this couldn't get any lamer.
Tucker strikes the hologram with the key, opening the gate to reveal a vehicle
TUCKER:What is that thing?
ALIEN:Blarg blarg, blarg blarrgh!
ANDY:The ship!? What ship? No-one told me about a ship! Hey, come back here ya stink nugget!
ALIEN:Wharg, whargh!
The Alien jumps in the ship and takes off
RANDOM GRUNT OF UNKNOWN COLOR:Get her!
Tex jumps off the base and looks up at the ship
TEX:Hey, what's that thing!? Where's he going?
ANDY:I don't know! He just kept saying, "There it is, there it is!"
TEX:I thought you said there was no reward at the end of the quest.
ANDY:I didn't know!
TUCKER:If you're pissed about that, wait until you find out that this sword, is really a key.
TEX:A what? Andy...
ANDY:Hey don't blame me, I'm just the translator!
CABOOSE:Um, I think the Alien is coming back.
The alien lines up the Blues in the sights of the ship
CABOOSE:Bad Alien! Go away!
TUCKER:Uh oh.
TEX:Get down!
Tucker and Tex move, revealing a random red guy
RANDOM RED GUY:What?
The Alien murders him
RANDOM RED GUY:Ohoh, hurk blarg.
CABOOSE:Ohhh, he wasn't coming to kill us. He was saving us. That's a good Alien.
TEX:Well, a deal's a deal, he owes me that ship. Andy, tell him to bring that thing down here and-
A rocket hits the ship... how unexpected
ALIEN:Blarg!
ANDY:You still want me to tell him? 'Cause, I think it's down already.
WYOMING:Tex!
TEX:Wyoming?
CABOOSE:Connecticut!
TUCKER:They're not playing a game, Caboose.
CABOOSE:Well, if they were, I woulda totally won.
WYOMING:Well it appears I've spoiled your little game. So sorry chums.
TEX:That was my ship.
WYOMING:Oh dear, then I stand corrected: I'm not sorry.
TEX:You're gonna pay for that.
WYOMING:All out of change at the moment. Get you next time. Cheerio!
TEX:Get back here!
Wyoming runs off, and Tex chases him like the star crossed lovers they aren't
TUCKER:Huh, that didn't go quite the way I expected. You think we should wait for her to come back? Or finish the quest on our own. Or just go home.
Trumpets
GRUNTS:Charge!
TUCKER:Yeah, let's go home.
Cut to Church and Simmons in Blue Base
CHURCH:You okay there, blue guy?
SIMMONS:I'm fine, I, I told you it's just allergies.
CHURCH:Oh yeah? You know I never heard someone say boo hoo hoo when they sneezed.
SIMMONS:I'm fine.
CHURCH:Good, well then now I can give you your orders. Um, first of all that jeep, out there is really dirty, and I think that-
SIMMONS:What, why're you giving me orders?
CHURCH:Uh, because, that's the way the Blue team works?
SIMMONS:Technically, you're the new guy. I should be telling you what to do.
CHURCH:Uh, I don't think so man, see back in the day, uhh the way this worked was Command would call, me, and give me the orders and then I would pass them along to everybody else. Kay it works like this I would get on my radio like this and I'd say, uh, uh "Come in Blue Command, come in, this is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read me?" And then normally this uh, really annoying guy would come back and he would say-
VIC:Hello, hello, come in, hello.
SIMMONS:Wow, that was a pretty good impression. Can you do Arnold Schwarzenegger? "Ah'll be bahck."
CHURCH:That wasn't me. Uh, hello?
VIC:Hello, come in Blood Gulch, can you hear me, hello, try the veal, hello.
CHURCH:What? V- Vic? Is that you? It's been eight hundred years, how have you survived so long?
VIC:No no hey dude, Vic's dead. This is Vic's great great great great great great great great-
SIMMONS:Asta la vista, baby!
VIC:-great great great great great great great great great great grandson... Vic Junior.
CHURCH:And you work- and you work with Blue Command?
VIC:Hoh right dude, good one dude, "Blue Command." Wink!
CHURCH:Wait a minute, what, wait, what does that mean? What does that mean, does- is the war over? Did we win?
VIC:Dude, I got a lot to catch you up on.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 72: Getting Debriefed

Fade in to Grif talking to Sarge ...or Sarge talking to Grif, depending on your viewpoint
GRIF:You wanted ta, see me, Sarge?
SARGE:Yes Grif, I think it's time we buried the hatchet. Started workin' more closely together.
GRIF:Say what? Isn't that like a sign of the apocalypse or something?
SARGE:As you know, I've never liked you. Not even a little bit.
GRIF:Really.
SARGE:You've always been lazy, insubordinate, and I suspect that underneath that helmet, you're probably extremely ugly to boot!
GRIF:No argument here.
SARGE:Over the years I've been so disappointed in your work, I've slowly stopped giving you things to do. Most days, I forget ya even exist.
GRIF:Yeahhh, it's been a good run.
SARGE:But I think we all need to realise that Simmons, is not comin' back. Red Team is just gonna have to make due with the few worthless soldiers we have left.
GRIF:Wait, didn't this start out as a pep talk?
SARGE:We may never know why Simmons left-
GRIF:Yeah, maybe he was overwhelmed by all the positive reinforcement you give out.
SARGE:But the fact of the matter is we're at war! If we're gonna win this thing, we need to work together! We need to put aside our disgusting laziness and our constant attempts to kill each other in our sleep.
GRIF:I've never tried to kill you in your sleep.
SARGE:Dammit Grif this is a compromise. I realise I'm gonna have to give up some things as well.
Cut to Simmons walking up to the Red base, with Donut standing on the portcullis?
DONUT:Halt! Who goes there?
SIMMONS:Donut, it's me.
DONUT:Oh right, you. Whadda you want?
SIMMONS:I wanna talk to Sarge. I just found out some info. Wait, why'm I answering your questions?
DONUT:I said hold it!
SIMMONS:What's your problem, Donut?
DONUT:Sarge told me not to let anyone in the base, and I'm pretty sure "anyone" includes the enemy.
SIMMONS:I'm not the enemy.
DONUT:Oh please, you're dressed in blue! F.Y.I. there's kind of a theme around here. You're blue, I'm red.
SIMMONS:More like pink.
DONUT:I have a gun?
SIMMONS:Okay, okay. I only dressed like this to trick the Blues.
DONUT:You helped the Blues.
SIMMONS:And fooled them.
DONUT:You knocked Sarge out. Twice!
SIMMONS:Once again Donut, to fool the Blues. ...And to work out some unresolved issues with father figures, but look just go ask Sarge, he knows it's me. Hell even Grif knows it's me.
DONUT:Oh sure, everyone knows who you are but me.
SIMMONS:No, the Blues don't know either.
Cut to Church and Sheila
CHURCH:Hey Sheila where'd that Simmons guy go that was spyin' on us?
SHEILA:I don't know, why don't you go ask your new jeep?
Cut back to the portcullis
SARGE:What's all this racket?
DONUT:There's an enemy tryin' to get in to the base.
SARGE:Where?
DONUT:Right there.
SARGE:...Where, behind Simmons?
SIMMONS:He means me, Sir.
DONUT:Ohhh, Simmons. Why didn't you tell me it was you?
SIMMONS:Donut I did tell you it was me.
DONUT:Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me."
SIMMONS:I am me.
DONUT:But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me," I would have known that you were you. You just kept saying you were me.
SIMMONS:That's because Ah'm me.
GRIF:And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.
SIMMONS:Well, now that we have that straightened out, I have some important information.
SARGE:I don't want to hear it, Blue.
SIMMONS:What? This is valuable information about the war.
SARGE:There's no such thing as valuable information, from a traitor!
SIMMONS:But Sir, I only did that because noone would believe me about the tank.
DONUT:Sarge, Simmons has issues with his father, that he displaces on you.
SIMMONS:No Donut, that's why I punched Sarge in the face. I left the base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need to please other people.
SARGE:Alright, enough. The next person who tells me about Simmons' feelings is gettin' Court-Martialed.
GRIF:Simmons likes to go in the bathroom and cry while he punches the mirror. Well, I'll go pack mah bags... Nice workin' with you guys. Good luck with the Blues. It's been real.
Cut to Tucker and Caboose who's carrying Andy approaching Blue Base
CHURCH:Oh, look who's back, the conquering heroes, what's up guys?
TUCKER:Meh.
CHURCH:Hey where's Tex?
TUCKER:Gone.
CHURCH:Where's the alien?
TUCKER:Dead.
CHURCH:Well how'd the quest go?
TUCKER:Failed.
CHURCH:Yeah you know I, I probably didn't even have to ask that last question, did I.
ANDY:Eh I wouldn't say "failed," but these guys definitely screwed it up royally.
TUCKER:What? We didn't do anything!
ANDY:Exactly. You let Tex do all the work and got the alien killed.
TUCKER:Yeah, but doing nothing is what we do. So, technically we didn't screw anything up.
CABOOSE:It's true, I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing. It's the same ribbon as last place. It's purple.
CHURCH:Well is Tex okay?
TUCKER:She's fine. None of us are that lucky. She chased after Wyoming.
CHURCH:Tex?
TUCKER:Yeah.
CHURCH:Wyoming?
TUCKER:Yes.
CABOOSE:Massachusetts.
TUCKER:Seriously, stop it.
CHURCH:Tucker, why didn't you tell me this?
TUCKER:Tell you when, we just got here.
CHURCH:Yeah but you've been wasting my time gabbing about your stupid failed quest.
ANDY:Eh, I really wouldn't say "failed" here...
TUCKER:This conversation's stupid, and I'm hungry, where's the food.
CHURCH:Listen, any time you have new information for me, just tell it to me as quickly as possible. Okay?
TUCKER:Well here's one short, blanket statement that covers all future situations: We, suck.
CHURCH:I said new information.
TUCKER:Don't we have anything to eat in this place?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 73: Under The Weather

Fade in to Blue Base, with Tucker moaning as he often does
TUCKER:Uuuuuuuhuuugh.... Uuuuuuhhhohgaawwwwd..
CHURCH:Man, he sounds terrible.
CABOOSE:Yeah, he's been like that since the swamp.
CHURCH:Swamp, you guys were in a swamp?
CABOOSE:Yeah. It was dark and swampy. I wasn't scared at all.
CHURCH:Is this why you guys came home so fast?
CABOOSE:No, we came home because the alien died, eyand because the uh glowing sword turned out to be a uh glowing key.
CHURCH:Yeah a glowing key that can still stab people.
CABOOSE:Right.
CHURCH:So it is a sword. It just happens to function like a key in very specific situations.
CABOOSE:Or it's a key all the time, and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death.
CHURCH:God damn man, I would love to live in your world for about ten minutes.
CABOOSE:Yeah. I have a really good time.
CHURCH:Ehehehyeah, it seems like it. You know I don't think I'd get anything done, but I probably wouldn't care that much.
TUCKER:Uuuuuhhhhhhhoh...
CHURCH:Hey Tucker, you okay?
TUCKER:Ohh, why don't you guys come in here?
CHURCH:Uh, because it might be contagious? Aaand because we've got to think about the health of the unit as a whole. I came up with that pretty fast.
CABOOSE:And because you threw up ten minutes ago! And that's just gross!
CHURCH:Hey wait a second, you don't think that sword-
CABOOSE:You mean the key?
CHURCH:No I mean the sword. You don't suppose that sword is makin' him sick, do you?
CABOOSE:I don't see how, it hasn't sneezed once.
CHURCH:We don't know anything about it though. Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him.
CABOOSE:Or, maybe it runs on solar power!
CHURCH:Wait now- why would solar power make him sick?
CABOOSE:Is he Republican?
Cut to a great view of Blue Simmons through the opening of the ramp, flanked by Grif and Donut
SIMMONS:Okay listen guys, do you want important information about the war or don't you?
GRIF:I don't know man, this is a pretty exclusive club we've got here. If we let one blue guy in, we might have to let the next one in, and the next one, and then there goes the neighbourhood.
DONUT:Yeah, pretty soon we'll have to let in women. And who wants them?
GRIF:Hhyeah, then we'd be talking about interior decorating and reality T.V. shows all day. No thanks.
DONUT:Grif, it kinda ruins my point when you just mention the good stuff.
SIMMONS:I'm sure the Blues are using the information right now to plot an attack against us.
Cut to Blue Base, and something that sounds remarkably similar to Tucker vomiting a Toyota
CHURCH:That better have been in your bucket!
CABOOSE:I'll get the mop.
Cut back to Grif et al
GRIF:Well you can forget it. You heard Sarge, there's no way we're letting you in the base dressed like that.
DONUT:Seriously, the blue and red thing is so last year.
SIMMONS:Well how 'bout this?
GRIF:How did you change so fast?
SIMMONS:I've always been a fast changer. I'm very shy.
GRIF:Is that why you wear your underwear in the shower, too?
SIMMONS:I also never use the bathroom at the base. Only at home.
GRIF:Dude, we've been stationed here for like three years.
SIMMONS:Yeah, it's gonna be a very eventful homecoming.
Cut to Church looking down on Andy not because he believes he's better, but because he's significantly taller
CHURCH:Andy, what in the hell happened to Tucker in this little adventure you guys took?
ANDY:How should I know?
CABOOSE:He ate all my food and just threw it up. Coulda just thrown it on the floor, 'n' cut out the middle man.
CHURCH:Yeah plus now he's moody as hell. I went to ask him if he's feelin' better and he practically bit my goddamn head off.
CABOOSE:I bet he just would have thrown up your head later. And then you could just put it right back on, it'd be fine.
ANDY:He was fine on the trip, maybe he's allergic to you. I know I get nauseous when I look at ya.
CHURCH:Did you guys come in contact with anything weird, like any strange plants or animals er, like superflu viruses er, porn stars?
ANDY:Oh yeah, there's one thing I forgot to mention. We invaded a secret biological warfare lab, run by porn stars. Tucker licked all the petri dishes, even though we told him not to. Then he got thirsty, so he drank everything in the test tubes. You think that had anything to do with it?
CABOOSE:I'm pretty sure that didn't actually happen. I would have remembered that part.
ANDY:Aw come on, you're surprised he's sick? I've never seen the guy wash his hands, not once! One time I saw him pick his nose at the pay phone.
CHURCH:I'm just worried, man, who knows if this stuff is contagious? For all we know Caboose could be next. Wake up tomorrow morning he's throwin' up, runnin' a huge fever, next thing you know he's bleeding out of his eyes 'cause his internal organs are liquifying. And I'm gonna be the one that has to hold his hand while he screams himself to death. That's not gonna be any fun.
CABOOSE:I'm gonna go take a vitamin.
CHURCH:Oh don't bother, it's too late for you anyway. We need to start thinking about me.
ANDY:Tell ya what. Send me in, and I'll run clean-up. Don't worry about it, I'll take care of everything.
CHURCH:Andy, I am not letting you blow up the base.
ANDY:Comon, just a little explosion! Five, ten megatons tops. Aya all your scary germs will be gone. Nothin' left but the cockroaches! Germ free cockroaches.
CABOOSE:But then Tucker will be dead too.
ANDY:See? It's the perfect plan!
CHURCH:No, but that does give me a good idea. Technically, you can't get sick. So why don't we send you in there to take care of Tucker, you can figure out what's wrong and report back to us.
ANDY:I ain't no nurse. I go in there, all you're gonna get, is an explosion. You want a medical diagnosis, go see a doctor.
CHURCH:What did you just say?
ANDY:I said you don't need me. Ya need a doctor.
CABOOSE:Please don't do it.
At an evil lair, somewhere nearby...
The sound of a phone ringing
O'MALLEY:For the love of evil, someone get the phone!
LOPEZ:¿Por qué no lo llevarle tas usted?
CAPTION: Why don't you get it?
O'MALLEY:You fool! Can't you see I'm busy with an evil plot? What do I pay you for?
LOPEZ:Para limpiar después de sus diagramas fallados.
CAPTION: To clean up after all your failed plots.
O'MALLEY:Oh shut up you fool. You don't even have a body.
LOPEZ:Sí. Debido de sus diagramas fallados.
CAPTION: Yes. Because of one of your failed plots.
DOC:Why all this bickering? Can't we all just get along?
O'MALLEY:And answer the damn phone!
LOPEZ:¿Por qué tenemos tantos mils máquinas apocalíptica, para no tenemos máquina del contestar la teléfono?
CAPTION: Why do we have a million doomsday devices and no answering machine?
O'MALLEY:I find you far too sarcastic for just a head.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 74: Right To Remain Silenced

Fade in to Red Base
SIMMONS:Sarge, finally, I need to tell you what the Blues are planning.
SARGE:I thought I told you idiots not to let this traitorous scumbag in the base!
SIMMONS:Good to see you too Sir.
GRIF:We didn't let him in the base.
SARGE:He's standing right here.
GRIF:Well obviously he penetrated the defensive protocol that me and Private Donut established.
SIMMONS:Defense protocol? You asked me what the password was.
GRIF:And you knew it.
SIMMONS:I guessed it. By the way, the password was 'password.'
GRIF:It's so obvious, it's impossible to guess!
SARGE:Diabolical.
SIMMONS:A password should contain at least one number, and one letter. For example, your password would be 2dumb2live.
SARGE:Excellent burn.
SIMMONS:Thank you Sir.
SARGE:Traitor.
SIMMONS:Dammit.
SARGE:Grif's stupidity aside, I'm not speaking with you until we punish your insubordination and treason.
SIMMONS:How about I just trade you the information that I learned from the Blues?
SARGE:No! We have to have a trial. Right here, right now.
SIMMONS:What? We don't even have a judge.
SARGE:Inaffirmative. In my civilian life, I worked as a judge for many years.
GRIF:What level? Municipal? Federal?
SARGE:Livestock. And occasionally agriculture. Now let's find out if Simmons is guilty of treason or best in breed.
SIMMONS:I don't recognize the authority of this court.
SARGE:No-one cares what a convicted criminal thinks.
SIMMONS:But aren't I innocent until you prove me guilty?
SARGE:Nonsense! Why would we waste time having trials for innocent people? That would be a waste of resources.
SIMMONS:But I'm not guilty until you hold trial and convict me.
SARGE:So you admit it's a foregone conclusion!
SIMMONS:No- wait, I mean no- yes-no, that was right, I think.
GRIF:Okay, this is officially more boring than any of the other times I've been to court. Permission to sigh and walk away Sir?
SARGE:Permission denied. If you leave, Simmons won't have anybody to defend him!
SIMMONS:Whowowowhoa wait a second, I prefer to defend myself.
SARGE:I knew you'd say that, and as the old saying goes, a person who chooses to defend himself, has a fool for a lawyer. And that fool is Grif.
GRIF:Who's the prosecution?
SARGE:Why I am of course.
SIMMONS:You're the judge and the prosecutor? That's a conflict of interest.
SARGE:I object to that as speculative. And I also sustain my own objection.
GRIF:Uh, we'd like to enter a plea.
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:Look it's only a matter of time before Donut finds out we're having this trial.
SARGE:I'm listening.
GRIF:Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff, and that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts.
SIMMONS:Uhh, Officer Hot-pants.
GRIF:Exactly. And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party.
Cut to Grif and Simmons from the past looking at an enormous cake
SIMMONS:Oh my God, that cake is huge! It's big enough to fit a person in it.
GRIF:Why does the cake smell like baby oil? Oh God, where's Donut?!
Cut back to Law & Order
SARGE:Hrh, okay. We'll commute Simmons' sentence in favour of time served.
GRIF:With time off for good behaviour.
SARGE:No-one wants a messy trial.
GRIF:I also think he should pay a hefty fine, which we can split.
SARGE:Agreed.
SIMMONS:But I didn't do anything.
GRIF:You just keep your mouth shut. And don't talk to the Press.
DONUT:Hey, what's goin' on in there?
SARGE,  GRIF AND  SIMMONS:Nothing!
Cut and pan down to O'Malley doing his thing
O'MALLEY:Huhahahahahaah, now be careful. Don't give away our position with maniacal laughing. We don't know what to expect from these fools. This could all be an elaborate trap! And we don't want to be caught off-guard.
DOC:You mean get caught in a trap before we have a chance to spring our trap.
O'MALLEY:Precisely you fool, now shut up. At least we have a lookout. Lopez! What do you see up there?
LOPEZ:Nada mucho. Como siempre.
CAPTION: Nothing much. Just like always.
LOPEZ:Esta lugar respira.
CAPTION: Man, this place sucks.
O'MALLEY:I haven't been here in some time, which one is the Blue Base?
DOC:It's the blue one.
O'MALLEY:Hou yes. They're really thinking outside the box with the design. Hmm, it's quiet, too quiet.
A sniper shot rings by O'Malley's head
O'MALLEY:Now suddenly it's too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.
CHURCH:Alright hold it right there!
LOPEZ:Yo a veo un hombre. Tiene un arma.
CAPTION: I see someone now. I think he has a gun.
O'MALLEY:Yes I see that, thank you for keeping us informed, you moron.
CHURCH:Yeah that was just a warning shot O'Malley. You make any funny moves, the next one's gonna go right in the middle of your visor.
CABOOSE:You think you can make that shot from here?
CHURCH:Uh, probably not, I was actually trying to hit him that time. I swear to God I think somebody fucks with the sights on this thing when I'm not lookin'.
O'MALLEY:I knew it! This was just some elaborate scheme to lure us in to an ambush!
CHURCH:First of all, I don't know if calling you on the phone and inviting you over? I don't know if that qualifies as an elaborate scheme. And secondly, we're not ambushing you. We just wanna lay down some ground rules for your visit.
O'MALLEY:I'm not very big on rules, you know.
DOC:It's true! We had this system back at the evil lair where we each clean on different days, but I always end up doing it!
O'MALLEY:Oh shut up!
DOC:And he always leaves the milk out!
O'MALLEY:You fool! Be quiet.
DOC:And don't even get me started on the phone bill.
CHURCH:Hey Doc, I see you're still swimmin' around in that head somewhere too.
DOC:Well it's not the ideal situation, but any relationship requires work if you-
O'MALLEY:You fool! This isn't a relationship, I'm just using your body to fulfill my evil plans. When we're done, I'm going to throw your rotting carcus in to a swamp, and let the beasts feed on your entrails, huhuhuhuhahahahaa.
DOC:I love you too buddy.
O'MALLEY:Oh shut up.
CHURCH:Well don't get any bright ideas about jumping in to anyone else today, O'Malley. We've all got our radios off, and we've all got our minds cleared. We're not thinking about anything. For some of us that was easier than others.
CABOOSE:I just finished thinking about something, and didn't start thinking about anything else.
CHURCH:So here's how this is gonna work: You're gonna come in, you're gonna take a look at Tucker, you're gonna tell us what's wrong, and then you're gonna leave.
O'MALLEY:Hmm, and what do we get?
CHURCH:Whaddaya want. And I should warn you, Tex is not here. So if you have any cute ideas for her, don't bother.
DOC:Well a standard physical usually requires a twenty dollar co-pay. Hey, ask him what kind of health insurance plan they have.
O'MALLEY:You fool, let me negotiate. We want something from you, but we're not going to tell you what it is, until we need it! Huhuhuhuahahahaha.
CHURCH:No way, I'm not agreeing to something without knowing what it is!
O'MALLEY:Huhuhuhuhuhuhoh yes you will. You will or your little friend Tucker will die, die a most horrible death. And you know his blood will be on your hands. Years from now, you'll drive yourself mad wondering, if there was anything you could have done to save him, so you will agree to what I want. You will agree even though what I want is something mysterious. What I want is something frightening. What I want is something pure evil, aaahahahahahahahahaaa! I'm also being told that a twenty dollar co-pay is pretty much standard.
CHURCH:Alright, fine.
O'MALLEY:Hah, huhaha you fool, and we want the twenty dollars up front!
CHURCH:Fine!
O'MALLEY:And in cash...
CHURCH:Oh whatever!
O'MALLEY:Ah you moron! If you'd used a credit card you could have gotten airline miles! Or at least a thirty day grace period with no interest. You fiscally irresponsible fools!
CHURCH:Caboose, give me twenty dollars. Wait, give me thirty dollars.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 75: Things Are Looking Down

Fade in to Sarge leading Simmons and Grif across the Gulch at what could almost be called a run
SARGE:Come on, double time men! That goes double for you, Grif.
GRIF:Why are we always double timing, anyway? Can't we ever half-time? Or how 'bout no time?
SARGE:No, numbnuts. According to Simmons, the Blues have already re-established contact with their Command.
GRIF:What? That's why we're running?
SARGE:Of course. By now they could be receiving reinforcements. Or taking advantage of some new technological weapons development.
GRIF:Or maybe their Command has been giving them the same generic orders ours always gives us like, "Try to win" and, "Do better than you're currently doing." I swear, sometimes I think they don't even know our names.
SARGE:That's just what I wanted you to hear. The conversations I had with Command always provided vital intelligence.
GRIF:Like what?
SARGE:Like the location of the Blue base.
GRIF:Right there.
SARGE:And the number of soldiers they have.
GRIF:Three.
SARGE:Also, the location of the base.
GRIF:Auh, you already said that one.
SARGE:I meant our base.
SIMMONS:Weren't we the ones that provided them the intel in the first place?
SARGE:Initially yes. But Command processes our raw data and gives us back the key details. You may recall they sent us plans of the next phase of the war. They were stored in Lopez before he was kidnapped.
GRIF:You mean before he ran away.
SARGE:No, I mean shut up, Grif.
SIMMONS:But how do we even know he still has the plans? Last time we saw him, all that was left was a head. Maybe he stored the files in his legs, or his chest.
SARGE:You idiot, who stores memories in their chest? Don't you know anything 'bout biology? The chest is strictly reserved for digestion.
GRIF:Maybe they'll send us more reinforcements like last time. Donut's arrival was a real turning point in the offensive.
SARGE:Where is Donut?
SIMMONS:There he is. Looks like he's talking to something.
SARGE:Looks like a rock. Grif!
GRIF:What.
SARGE:I need information on that rock, ASAP! Approach the target via flanking maneouver and establish defelade at that ledge, Point Alpha!
GRIF:Or I could just look through the scope of the sniper rifle since that's worked the last eight hundred times.
SARGE:Yeah alright fine, take all the fun out of it.
Grif looks through the scope, and through the magic of almost-television we see through it too and learn Donut is talking with Lopez
SARGE:I like my way better. It was more dangerous for you.
GRIF:Sarge I have great news. Looks like you're gonna get your plans after all. And I'm not gonna have to do any more running. So everybody wins.
SIMMONS:What about me, I didn't win anything.
GRIF:Oh don't worry about it, I'm sure there'll be somebody's ass you can kiss.
Cut to Church and Doc on Blue Base looking down at the camera. Fucking elitists
CHURCH:Andy this is Doc, Doc this is Andy. Uh Andy Doc is uh he's here to help Tucker. And he's also our worst enemy. You know- besides the Reds. And, Tex on, certain days.
O'MALLEY:Well thank you for introducing me to your bowling ball... hello bowling ball.
ANDY:Actually, I'm a bomb.
O'MALLEY:It can talk?
ANDY:Why is that the first thing everybody says to me.
O'MALLEY:A talking bomb, you say... Hmm I could use a fellow like you in my organization.
CHURCH:Yeah, I should probably point out that Andy here was specifically designed to blow up and kill you.
O'MALLEY:I see... Well this is certainly awkward.
ANDY:KABOOM!
O'MALLEY:Satan's bunyon!
ANDY:Hah hah hah hah, heh, I was just kidding. I didn't really explode. Hahahahaha.
CHURCH:Heh heh, good one.
O'MALLEY:Yes, highly amusing.
Cut back to the Reds who seem to have caught up with Donut and Lopez. Shouldn't be hard, since those two weren't moving
SARGE:Lopez? Donut, where did you find him?
DONUT:Right here.
SIMMONS:How were you two talking? Lopez, do you speak English now?
LOPEZ:No.
CAPTION: No.
GRIF:Well if he doesn't then why did he just say no in English? Busted.
DONUT:I took four years of high school Spanish. That's the best way to learn any language.
SARGE:What've you two been talkin' about?
DONUT:Oh, the usual Spanish faire. I told him my name, I asked him what his name was, I asked if he knew where the bathroom was, how much a ticket for the train costs, and I asked him for the cheque.
LOPEZ:Haga por favor que el hombre rosado para el hablando con mí.
CAPTION: Please make the pink one stop talking to me.
SARGE:Ask him where he's been, no- ask him where he's going, wait- ask him if he has our secret plans. And if he missed me.
DONUT:¿Lopez, que es el tiempo?
CAPTION: Lopez, do you know what time it is?
DONUT:Voy a ir a la playa con mi primo quiere jugar a tenis.
CAPTION: I am going to the beach with my cousin who likes to play tennis.
DONUT:Yo comido un lápiz.
CAPTION: I ate a pencil.
DONUT:Adios!
LOPEZ:...
CAPTION: ...
DONUT:Hmm, looks like he's not talkin' Sarge.
SARGE:Allrright he wants to play tough, uh? I built in override codes for just such an event. Lopez! Give me root access, priority Delta One!
LOPEZ:Prioridad el permito. Por favor dicté el access code.
CAPTION: Priority Access requested. Please state the Access Code.
SARGE:The Access Code is... access code.
SIMMONS:Oh you've gotta be fucking kidding me.
SARGE:Ah, bitch about it later.
LOPEZ:Acceso a código-
CAPTION: Access Code accepted. Greetings Sarge, would you like to play a....
SARGE:Lopez, replay the intel message from Command.
LOPEZ:OK.
CAPTION: OK.
GRIF:See, OK now I'm telling you this guy's faking.
VIC:Hola, hola. ¿Eses tú escuchar mí? Hola.
CAPTION: Hello, hello. Can you hear me? Hello.
VIC:Hola hombres de Gulch Sangrosa, gracias por la información, muy provechosa.
CAPTION: Hey Blood Gulch Dudes, thanks for the information, very helpful.
GRIF:Oh come on, the recording is in Spanish? That doesn't even make any sense!
SIMMONS:This guy sounds just like the guy the Blues were talking to, Vic Junior. I'll be his kids changed sides.
VIC:Después de analizar los datos que usted proporcionó...
CAPTION: After analyzing the data you provided...
SARGE:Eggs Benedict Arnold, those dirty traitors. No offense Simmons.
SIMMONS:None taken Sir.
SARGE:Traitor.
SIMMONS:God dammit.
VIC:...nosotros han calculado un plan a toda prueba para ganar la guerra.
CAPTION: ...we have calculated a fool-proof plan for winning the war.
DONUT:Wait, how does Vic have kids? I thought he had a vasectomy.
Everyone looks at Donut, and even the recording pauses
DONUT:Well that's just what I heard.
VIC:Aquí están sus órdenes: elimine a la enemigo. Okay hombres, Buena suerte.
CAPTION: Here are your orders: eliminate the enemy. Good luck.
SARGE:We've got to figure out what he's saying. Donut, can you translate or can't you?
DONUT:Uh I think he's saying something about losing his passport.
SIMMONS:Well, when I was in Blue Base Church mentioned they built a translation device out of an old bomb.
SARGE:E-Gads, no doubt to decipher their plans to destroy us! If we don't translate the tactical plans Lopez is saying, we're all doomed!
VIC:También, hacer mejor que usted ya hado haciendo y ganar por favor.
CAPTION: Also, try to do better and please win.
VIC:Okay, hombre, au revoir.
CAPTION: See ya.
SARGE:That information could save our very lives!
SIMMONS:Why don't we sneak in to Blue Base, grab the translation device, and use it on our message?
SARGE:I agree.
GRIF:Let me get this straight: We're going to steal a bomb from our enemies - a bomb that can be remotely detonated I might add - and then we're gonna bring it back to our base, and all huddle around it. What a great plan.
SIMMONS:Well sure, it sounds stupid when you say it like that.
SARGE:Go on, let's move. Somebody grab Lopez's cabesa.
DONUT:Of course.
SARGE:That's not the cabesa Donut... and that's not Lopez!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 76: Two For One

Fade in to Doc walking up to Andy, Church and Caboose far from Blue Base
TUCKER:(off in the distance) Oh God... I think it's coming back up. BLAHGH!
DOC:Okay everybody, I'm gonna give Tucker his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?
O'MALLEY:That's just a fancy way of saying "hold the vomit bucket," huhuhuhuheuw.
CHURCH:Uh, sorry I'm busy.
DOC:Caboose?
CABOOSE:I can't.
DOC:Well why not?
CABOOSE:Oh, because uh, I am allergic to things that I don't want to do. (cough cough cough), coughing.
DOC:Ohokay, just more fun for me.
Cut to Sarge watching Doc depart to the base through the sniper rifle
SARGE:Well, you won't believe this, it looks like the Blues have teamed up with O'Malley. Those dirty backstabbers!
GRIF:Our enemies teamed up with our enemy. How is that a backstab?
SARGE:Exactly! No good two-timers! Alright men, let's get in there and acquire that exploding translater thing so we can figure out what Lopez is saying.
LOPEZ:No mas va estar decepcionado.
CAPTION: You're just going to be disappointed.
SARGE:I agree Lopez, time is of the essence.
LOPEZ:¿Por qué estás contestando si usted no sabe qué estoy diciendo?
CAPTION: Why do you bother replying if you don't know what I'm saying?
SARGE:Heh heh heh, good one amigo.
LOPEZ:Dios mío, por favor alguien mata me.
CAPTION: Oh God, someone please kill me.
SARGE:I see the bomb. He's right next to Caboose.
GRIF:Which one is Caboose again? I get confused. Is he the stupid mean one, the stupid annoying one, or the stupid stupid one?
SIMMONS:Stupid stupid.
GRIF:Oh yeah, right. What an idiot.
SIMMONS:Yeah totally.
DONUT:Sarge, I hate to point out the obvious, but since we can see them with the sniper rifle, why dont' we just shoot 'em?
SARGE:Shame on you, Donut! A sniper rifle is a coward's weapon. When you kill yer enemy, you wanna look in his eyes so he knows you're the one who beat him to death! It also gives you the chance to deliver some really zippy one-liners. Like "I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!"
GRIF:(sigh), oh my God.
SARGE:Or my personal favorite, "You've just got Sarged." Hhheh heh heh, classic.
LOPEZ:Lo significo, deseo morir.
CAPTION: I mean it, I want to die.
SARGE:Hand to hand combat is the old school way to kill your foes, it hearkens back to the honored traditions when combatants respected one another. Killing a man with your bare hands says: we're all equals as men. Except I'm slightly more equal 'cause I'm still alive and you're dead. Of course dropping a nuke on them from fifty thousand feet is also totally acceptable. I mean let's face it, there's just not enough time in this busy world to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling.
GRIF:See? That right there is why society is going downhill. Everyone's in such a hurry these days-
SIMMONS:Yeah yeah yeah, we get the point, wasting time, okay what was the plan Sarge?
SARGE:You fellas stay here. I'm gonna head up there with Lopez and get that device. Get it Lopez, head up there. Score two for Sarge, ding ding.
LOPEZ:Dios mío.
Cut back to Doc, Andy, Church and Caboose
DOC:Hey guys? I've figured out what's wrong.
CHURCH:What is it Doc.
DOC:You're not gonna like the diagnosis.
O'MALLEY:Hmhmhmhm which is ironic, because I think it's absolutely delightful, muhahahaha.
CHURCH:Just tell us Doc, we can take it.
DOC:Your friend is-
CABOOSE:Dying? Oh no!
DOC:No, he's not dying, he just has-
CABOOSE:No chance to live. I knew it!
CHURCH:Caboose? One more interruption outta you, and he's gonna have two patients.
DOC:How do I say this, your friend is ... ...
CHURCH:Why are you pausing? Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time.
DOC:No, that was just for dramatic effect. He's pregnant.
CABOOSE:Oh good. ...Wait what?
O'MALLEY:Hmhmhmhmhm, preggers, muahaha.
CHURCH:Alright, are we paying for this service, because, if we are, I want a refund. And if we're not, I want a refund anyway.
DOC:No it's true, we found two heartbeats. So unless he has two hearts, the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant. ...I think.
CHURCH:How is that a logical explanation? Alright, one of the two of you has some explaining to do.
ANDY:Haha, don't look at me, Tucker's not my type.
CABOOSE:Pshah, me neither. And, uh maybe we should um have the doctor explain, uh just how, babies are made, yknow uh in case someone, in the group, uuh may not exactly know how, that, happens.
CHURCH:Oh my God Caboose, shut up. Andy, blow up. Doc, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Tucker.
O'MALLEY:No: you said we had to tell you what was wrong; you didn't say we had to be right, or that we had to fix him, you fool, hahahahaa, read the fine print, classic blunder. Hmhm.
DOC:First of all, I am right. And we are going to help him.
CHURCH AND  O'MALLEY:What?
DOC:Look no-one's ever seen anything like this before. I don't know anything about what caused this, or how to help him, but with heart, and true determination, we can get him through this!
CHURCH:Yeah we don't want heart and determination Doc. What we want is a degree. From an accredited medical institution.
ANDY:Yeah. Or four years equivalent work experience!
DOC:(sigh). Come see for yourself.
CHURCH:Fine.
CABOOSE:Uh, I think I need to stay here and guaaard this rock. From Tucker. Because I'm pretty sure that's how all this started.
CHURCH:Alright, what's wrong. You seem nervous.
CABOOSE:What if Tucker is contagious? I do not want to catch pregnancy.
CHURCH:Hey, no-one is pregnant. And seriously, Caboose, when I get done with this... we gotta have a little talk man. There's a book I've got that we can read together.
CABOOSE:...I'd like that.
O'MALLEY:Maybe you can have the bowling ball fill you in on some of the basics, hmhm. Let me get you started: there's three holes. Hahahahahahaaaaa.
DOC:Oh gross.
O'MALLEY:I meant in the bowling ball.
Church and Doc head off to the base, leaving Caboose and Andy alone in the Gulch. Sarge is sneaking up on them, making silly sneaking-up noises
ANDY:Hey Caboose. Level with me pal. I don't, really look like a bowling ball, do I?
CABOOSE:No Andy, you're not nearly that fat.
ANDY:'Cause I've been working out ya know. Dumbbells, pushups, crunches-
SARGE:Yoink!
ANDY:Whaaa?
CABOOSE:Andy? Andy? What happened to you?
LOPEZ:Rapido, antes de les que se vuelvan. Cave un agujero y entiérreme. Por favor.
CAPTION: Quick, before they come back. Dig a hole and bury me. Please.
CABOOSE:Andy. You turned in to a real boy!
Cut to Sarge back with the Reds
SARGE:See boys, now that's how you run a successful op. In and out like well lubricated lightning.
SIMMONS:Where's Lopez?
SARGE:Heh heh, I pulled the old switcharoo. Lopez was the same size and shape as this feller, so I just swapped him out. Just like Indiana Jones woulda done. Heh, they'll never even know he was missing. Thank God he's a little lighter than the last time we saw him.
ANDY:Finally, somebody noticed. D'you know how hard it is to maintain this figure?
GRIF:You swapped Lopez, for the bomb. Permission to speak insultingly, Sir?
SARGE:Permission denied. Yer just jealous 'cause you didn't think of it first. Heh heh heh. Now let's translate. Where's Lopez? ... Ah, hell, I'll be right back.
Cut back to Caboose talking with Andy Lopez
CABOOSE:Now you see Andy now we can go fishing, and you don't have to be the bait any more, and we can hiking, and we can go camping and you don't have to be the fire any more, and we can riding together, and now we can hold hands, and we can fly kites, and we can play tag, and we can drink orange juice together.
SARGE:Hey Caboose! You hear something behind you!
CABOOSE:I do? I wonder what's causing it.
Caboose turns around, Sarge runs in and takes Lopez's head
SARGE:Double yoink!
CABOOSE:Andy? Oh, my GOD! ANDY!
Cut to reveal that Sarge swapped Lopez's head out for the skull
CABOOSE:You're dead! How did this happen? You were so young! It's all my fault! I should have seen the warning signs! I didn't even know you were smoking! It worked so fast! You had so much to live for. So much exploding to do. Oh God! Who will blow stuff up now!? I don't want to live in a world without exploding! You God, are you proud of yourself? Now that you've created a world without large explosions. Why couldn't you just take Tucker instead? He can't explode. At least I don't think he can. But even if he could it wouldn't be the same. Andy's exploding was special. My God. Why? Oh Andy.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Episode 77: The Arrival

Fade in to a wide shot of Blue Base
CHURCH:Uhh, I don't believe this.
DOC:It's true, your friend Tucker is pregnant. See, my little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy.
CHURCH:I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds.
DOC:Yeah also that.
CHURCH:And infectious diseases.
DOC:Hyeah, it lights up green for just about everything. It takes a while to figure out the difference. Like this green, indicates a high level of anger stemming from suppressed feelings of inadequacy.
CHURCH:If that thing keeps talking bad about me I'm gonna fucking smash it.
DOC:And this green means impotency. Oops, actually that green causes impotency. My bad Church.
CHURCH:Oh, that's okay, I wasn't using it anyway.
DOC:See, these tools can be confusing sometimes. That's why doctors have to go to school for so long. Not that I'm actually a doctor mind you.
CHURCH:And that's never been more apparent than with this diagnosis.
TUCKER:Uogh, what diagnosis?
DOC:Congratulations Tucker, you're pregnant.
O'MALLEY:Huhahaha, yes, with child. Muhuhahahahahaha.
TUCKER:It's not mine, I wasn't even in town that weekend.
CHURCH:Tucker don't listen to him, he's a lunatic man, he's got no idea what he's talkin' about.
DOC:Uh, you want me to go over the green light thing again?
Caboose runs in holding Andy Lopez's head the skull
CABOOSE:Doctor! Help! My second best friend is dead! Fix him.
CHURCH:Whoa whoa whoa, Caboose, what happened, who's dead?
CABOOSE:Andy. Andy's dead. Look!
CHURCH:Okay, that's disgusting.
CABOOSE:Doctor Doc, please help him.
DOC:Uh, I don't know what I can really do to help him, my first aid procedures aren't very effective after decomposition.
CHURCH:Where did you get that?
CABOOSE:First Tucker dies and now Andy!
DOC:Tucker isn't dead, he's pregnant.
TUCKER:It's not mine, we weren't even going steady!
CHURCH:Stop that.
TUCKER:Hey look man, I've been saying that for a long time, it's gonna take a little while to get used to this.
CHURCH:You're not pregnant.
CABOOSE:I was just standing outside the base, and someone told me to turn around and when I did, Andy...
CHURCH:Whoa wait, who told you to turn around?
CABOOSE:I don't know! But they were very helpful.
CHURCH:And let me guess, when you turned back around, Andy was gone.
CABOOSE:Yes. He was... gone.
CHURCH:Hhuhh, everybody stay here. I'll be right back.
DOC:Wait, what do you want me to do about the pregnant guy?
TUCKER:It's not mine.
CHURCH:He is not pregnant.
CABOOSE:And what about Andy?
CHURCH:And that's not Andy, just look, stay here!
TUCKER:Ahw, would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?
DOC:Oh boy, Caboose? Better go boil some water.
CABOOSE:How can you think of soup at a time like this?
Cut to Andy translating Lopez's message from Red Command
ANDY:Here are your orders for winning the war. Eliminate the enemy. Okay, also, try to do better than you are currently doing. And, please win, thank you.
GRIF:That's totally, totally lame. And not at all surprising. Which is also totally, totally lame.
SIMMONS:I don't know 'bout that Grif, I think there was actually some valuable tactical information in there. Right Sarge?
SARGE:Simmons have you lost your last marble? That was pure nonsense!
SIMMONS:Oh, that's what I meant.
SARGE:Eliminate the enemy, what kinda plan is that? I think Command has lost it.
GRIF:Lost it? When did they have it?
DONUT:Uh, speaking of the enemy, here comes one now!
GRIF:Hey, let's eliminate him! Then we'll have one less thing in the to-do list!
SARGE:Uhh, I'm just so depressed. I can't even threaten your life for being a total jackass. ...Jackass. I'll kill ya.
DONUT:Nah, I don't think eliminating him is gonna be easy. It looks like he's bringing his tank with him.
SIMMONS:What're you talking about Donut, the tank isn't coming out here. Look it's not even moving.
DONUT:Yes it is, look.
GRIF:Hey Sarge, cheer up, I've known Command was stupid all along. It can be hard at first but you'll get used to it.
SARGE:Just leave me alone. Dehrhrhrhr.
SIMMONS:Donut, I am looking, if it was getting closer, it would be getting bigger.
DONUT:It is getting bigger, compared to that tree!
SIMMONS:What tree, there aren't any trees out here!
GRIF:You wanna call me an idiot Sarge? That always makes ya feel better.
SARGE:Oh, shut up moron.
GRIF:Heh, feels better, right?
SARGE:Yeah I, guess a little.
SIMMONS:Nope, not moving.
DONUT:Yes it is! See, look closer!
SHEILA:Firing main cannon.
Sheila fires in to the rock behind Simmons and Donut
SIMMONS:Okay, you're right, it's coming this way.
DONUT:RUUUN!
The Reds scatter ...to behind a single rock
DONUT:We're gonna die!
SARGE:Run men!
SIMMONS:Ah, run away!
GRIF:No!
SIMMONS:Please don't kill me!
GRIF:No!
SIMMONS:Not the fucking tank!
DONUT:Run!
Cut to the Reds behind their rock
SARGE:Regroup men! Grif, start passing out additional ammo.
GRIF:Uhhhh...
SARGE:Simmons, pass out the ammo you brought because you knew Grif would forget.
SIMMONS:Already on it, Sir.
SARGE:Return fire men! I'll call for reinforcements. Come in Command, come in!
VIC:Hey dude, come in. Hey, what's going on, that sounds like fun.
SARGE:Vic, we need help. Simmons, get busy negotiating a surrender.
SIMMONS:Okay, how 'bout we give them our base?
DONUT:Oh, good idea! We could live in the caves!
SIMMONS:We could let them kill Grif!
SARGE:Simmons you're supposed to negotiate their surrender, not ours! Vic, are you still there?
Simmons', Grif's and Donut's heads emerge right to left from above their rock in a comical way
SIMMONS:Hey Blues!- Up- I mean, Blue! We're only gonna give you one chance to surrender!
CHURCH:Wha- why would I-
Sheila fires, loudly
CHURCH:Hey, hold on a second Sheila. Why would I surrender!?
The Reds mumble something including the word sandwich at least twice behind their rock before re-emerging
SIMMONS:Uh, because you're outnumbered!
CHURCH:Bullshit dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!
The Reds mumble something actually incoherent behind their rock before re-emerging again
SIMMONS:We also think that it's your turn to surrender.
CHURCH:WHAT!?
SIMMONS:Well, if you'll recall, first you surrendered, and you guys gave us Doc. And then we surrendered, and we gave you the jeep. Now, that means that (trails off)
CHURCH:Sheila, shut him up.
Sheila fires at them
SIMMONS:Son of a bitch!
DONUT:Is that a no?
CHURCH:Okay look guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, and our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, really, don't have time for this horseshit right now.
GRIF:Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?
CHURCH:He's not pregnant! That's impossible.
ANDY:Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do, they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. But you already knew that, right?
CHURCH:What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!
ANDY:Uhhh I mean uhhh Alien baby! Uh that's shocking! I am shocked.
Radio sounds ...happen
CABOOSE:Come in Church come in.
CHURCH:Caboose, what did I tell you man, you're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great - now I'm on the radio too.
CABOOSE:Oh that, that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio aaand, O'Malley is gone.
CHURCH:Oh my God.
SARGE:That's right Blue, we've called in the cavalry. As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!
TUCKER:Ohh, hee hee hee hooo, huuugggghhh
DOC:Congratulations, it's a - thing. Eugh.
ALIEN BABY:Honk honk, whaaargh, whaaargh!
CHURCH:What, was that.
CABOOSE:Ohwell, that's the other thing I called about, um, Tucker had his gross baby.
TUCKER:It's not mine!
CHURCH:He is not pregnant! Sheila? Stay here. If anybody moves, shoot 'em.
DONUT:A baby, wait up! I wanna see!
SARGE:Donut, get back here! Wait for the ship.
DONUT:But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here. It's coming all the way from Earth. That could take days, or weeks, or months, or even years!
The ship lands square on Donut's head, doubtless crushing him in to a small pink lightish red disc of humany goo
SIMMONS:Ship's here.
GRIF:Shotgun!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
The Olympics Suck

Fade in to Simmons and Church in the snow
CHURCH:Hi. I'm Private Church from the popular webseries Red vs Blue.
SIMMONS:And I'm Private Dick Simmons.
CHURCH:As dozens of you probably already know, the Winter Olympics recently came to a close.
SIMMONS:According to ratings information, less and less people are watching the Olympics. We here at Red vs Blue would like to help fix this situation.
CHURCH:The biggest problem is that the Olympics only happen once every four years. Nobody has an attention span that long! And you have to compete with all the other boring things that only happen once every four years.
SIMMONS:The Olympics always make a big deal about amateur status, but most of the events don't even have a professional equivalent. Seriously, have you ever heard of a curler going pro? And isn't a professional biathlete really just a James Bond villain?
CHURCH:And the names don't make any sense. Why is it called "Curling?" Was "Stupid Rock Push" too long to fit on the program? And doesn't the word "biathalon" just mean competing in two things?
DONUT:It does? Man, my training program has been all wrong.
SIMMONS:This year, the Olympics added "Speed Skating Team Pursuit," which is basically three team-mates racing at a time instead of just one. Wow. That means you can hate watching an entire event in one third the time. Here's a tip, if you add another person in to a staring contest, it doesn't suddenly turn in to the Superbowl.
CHURCH:Okay, well instead of just criticizing the Games, I think we should concentrate on helping make the current Olympic events more fun to watch.
SARGE:You bet your bobsled. There's nothing wrong with the Olympics that modern science can't fix.
CHURCH:Right, like using aerodynamic computer modeling to develop better ski jumping techniques.
SARGE:No, like replacing the skis with heat seaking missiles! And the jumping with exploding.
CHURCH:Well that sounds a little extreme. How would you improve curling?
SARGE:Replace the big rocks with grenades.
CHURCH:Figure skating?
SARGE:Land mines.
CHURCH:Downhill skiing.
SARGE:Laser gates.
CHURCH:Speed skating.
SARGE:Everyone gets a bayonette.
CHURCH:Snowboarding?
SARGE:Get rid of the hippies, and add polar bears! In fact, every event could use more polar bears.
CHURCH:Okay, well what about the luge?
SARGE:Ahh, allow me to demonstrate. Let's suppose Grif over there is our lugie. Alright Grif, just like we rehearsed it!
GRIF:Yeah, I'm goin' for the Gold!
Grif jumps on what I guess is supposed to be a luge sled, but which is immediately blown up by a rocket
GRIF:Tell Michelle Kwan I always loved her!
SARGE:Heh heh heh heh heh. I call it Rocket Luge. In Europe, it's called the Space Program. I also have some ideas about how to improve Skeleton.
DONUT:What's Skeleton?
CHURCH:It's the luge, you just face the other way.
DONUT:Why don't they just call it Reverse Luge?
CHURCH:Because no-one likes the luge to begin with. So does your improvement involve using actual skeletons?
SARGE:Let me put it this way: if you don't win a medal, you're next year's sled. Now that's motivation! I also think we should give medals out to the losers.
CHURCH:You want to give out the symbols of Olympic victory to losers? That doesn't sound much like you, Sarge. So what would it be, Gold Silver Bronze and?
SARGE:Enriched Uranium. The losers will be forced to wear radioactive isotopes, making sure they die the excrutiatingly slow and painful death they deserve! I also think if you beat a Country in an event, you get to keep it. Or at least burn it down.
CHURCH:Yeah, that's the Olympic spirit.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
PSA 12: Lethargy Crisis

Fade in to Simmons and Church standing next to a smoking Warthog
SIMMONS:Hi everyone. I'm Private Dick Simmons.
CHURCH:And I'm Private Church. We're here to talk to you about the soaring costs of energy prices. Specifically, gasoline.
SIMMONS:Gas prices are so high right now that some people are having to cut back on basic necessities, just to afford to drive to work.
CHURCH:Not me; I just quit going to work.
SIMMONS:To help understand the seemingly never-ending rise in gas prices, I asked my good friend Church to build us a primer to explain the complex economic system behind gasoline production and distribution.
CHURCH:Yeah, that actually turned out to be a lot more reading than I thought, so I just rented a copy of Mad Max instead. From what I can tell the gas crisis has something to do with people in Australia that really like S&M and bondage.
SARGE:You knuckleheads have got it completely wrong as usual. High gas prices aren't caused by supply and demand, it's all the taxes!
CHURCH:Taxes?
SARGE:That's right! Don't you know for every dollar you spend on regular unleaded gasoline, the Government takes a hundred and thirty-seven cents!
SIMMONS:Sir, I think that your math might be a little off.
SARGE:And they tax ya more for the good stuff! That's why mid-grade and premium are always exactly ten cents more per gallon - no matter how much regular costs.
CHURCH:That doesn't make any sense. Or wait, does it.
SARGE:Besides, everyone knows that gasoline comes from dinosaurs. If we're running out of gas, the solution isn't to drive less, it's to kill more dinosaurs.
CHURCH:All the dinosaurs are already dead.
SARGE:It doesn't have to be just dinosaurs, moron. Any animal turns in to oil when it dies. So remember: if you wanna be environmentally friendly, just kill every living thing ya see! And bury it.
SIMMONS:But that process takes millions of years!
SARGE:I've got time.
Cut to Grif's arm sticking out of a grave marked "HERE LIES GRIF unleaded"
GRIF:Let me outta here! There's worms!
SARGE:Gentlemen we could debate the fine points all day. But the fact remains a gallon of gas still costs less today, than a gallon of milk.
CHURCH:Yeah but you don't drink three gallons of milk every time you drive to work.
SARGE:Maybe you don't.
SIMMONS:Well, we may never figure out why gas costs so much, but you can at least take steps to save money. First, try cutting out other petroleum based products besides gasoline, like parafin wax, lube oil, synthetic latex, and rubber.
CHURCH:Man, Donut just saved a ton of money right there.
SIMMONS:Of course the easiest way to save is on your commute. Like try switching your current daily driver to a smaller vehicle, instead of the full-size you probably drive now.
CHURCH:Or you could try carpooling to work. Or how about this, how about you use your own two feet and walk?
SARGE:Ah, don't be a pussy.
SIMMONS:Of course, cutting back on the amount of gas you use can be difficult. Most people have a near insatiable thirst for gas. I know I do.
CABOOSE:Me too. I drank two gallons this morning.
SIMMONS:Caboose, I wasn't using the word "thirst" literally.
CABOOSE:Oh. My tummy feels a little weird.
Caboose belches fire, just like a good Blue
CHURCH:You know that can actually be a lot of fun at parties.
SIMMONS:Huh, I'm just glad it came out his mouth.
SARGE:(hopping in the passenger seat of the Warthog) Hey Simmons, give me a ride back to base.
SIMMONS:Yes Sir!
Simmons joins Sarge in the Warthog, then fails to turn the engine over
SARGE:Oh, great. Anybody got a gallon of unleaded?
CHURCH:How 'bout a jug of milk?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Zero 0'Clock

Fade in to Sarge in front of the Warthog
SARGE:Grif. I need you to wash the Warthog.
GRIF:Okay, you got it... Hey Simmons? Sarge wants you to wash the Warthog.
SIMMONS:Get out of here Grif I'm busy packing.
GRIF:Packing? Packing for what? Did you quit the Army? I wanna quit, tell me how! Wait, wai-wait, there's no time, just pack me in your bag.
SIMMONS:What? I'm not quitting. I'm going to the XBox 360 Zero Hour.
GRIF:XBox 360? Now you've gotta take me, we've been waiting months to get one. Caboose has been camped out over there for like a year.
Cut to Caboose's tent in the middle of the Gulch, with a campfire and everything. He's so cute!
SIMMONS:Why is he camped out here, shouldn't he be camped out at some store somewhere?
GRIF:Uh, yeah he doesn't really understand the concept too well. Seriously, take me to the event, I can fit in your suitcase. I'll hunch up in a ball, like this.
SIMMONS:Get up Grif, they won't let me bring a nailclipper on the plane. There's no way they're gonna let me carry on an armed soldier in full body armor.
GRIF:Ihi'm begging!
SIMMONS:Awell besides, this is a VIP event. It's only for industry insiders and well connected movers and shakers.
GRIF:Or, people like you that won a contest on some website.
SIMMONS:U- yeah, them too.
GRIF:PLEE-HE-HEASE!
SIMMONS:Alright, fine, get in.
GRIF:YES! You won't regret this.
SARGE:Hey Grif! Where are you? I don't hear any polishing. Or buffing. You know I love the sound of buffing. Get buffin'! Simmons, have you seen Grif?
SIMMONS:No Sir, not recently.
SARGE:Son of a- he was gonna wash the Warthog before I went on mah trip!
SIMMONS:I don't know what to tell you, Sir.
SUITCASE:Yes. This is the perfect plan.
SARGE:Ah well. Did you finish packin' for me?
SIMMONS:Yup. Got your suitcase right here Sir.
SUITCASE:D'oh!
SARGE:Great. Then I guess I'm all set to attend the annual suitcase demolishing conference.
SUITCASE:The what? That doesn't even sound real.
SIMMONS:Have fun Sir.
SARGE:Where're you going Simmons?
SIMMONS:To an XBox 360 launch party.
SARGE:XBox 360? How did I miss versions two through three hundred fifty nine? I need to pay better attention.
SIMMONS:Technology moves pretty fast Sir.
SARGE:Come on, Grif- I mean suitcase. Heh heh heh.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 4
Vive la Resolution!

Fade in to the Reds running up to Sarge like puppies
SARGE:Alright ladies, huddle up. As you all know, the new year is fast approaching.
DONUT:Yeah, I'm throwin' a Parisian-style New Year's Eve soirre, a la grand palace de Donut. I mean, du croissant.
SARGE:For the last time, Donut, just because you put a b'day in the latrine, that doesn't make the base your own personal French banquet hall!
DONUT:Ah, come on Sarge, you remember the fun last year when Grif brought Champaigne.
SIMMONS:No he didn't. Champaigne comes from a specific region in France. Not by mixing 7Up and rubbing alcohol.
GRIF:Excuse me, immitation 7Up? Name brands are for suckers.
SARGE:No more French talk. We're not surrendering again this year and that's final! We've agreed to participate in the first annual Blood Gulch Resolution-off, also known as the Resolvathon.
GRIF:Sarge, I have no idea what you're talking about and I already think this is gonna end badly.
SARGE:We're competin' against the Blues to see who can come up with the best New Year's resolution.
SIMMONS:What does the winner get?
SARGE:Nothing. But the loser suffers a fate worse than death. They actually have to follow through on their resolution.
GRIF:What? That defeats the entire purpose of making a New Year's resolution.
SIMMONS:Grif, that is the purpose.
GRIF:Oh, I thought the purpose was to make yourself feel better about stuff you're never gonna do.
SARGE:This year, my resolution is to be more tolerant of other people's ideas and opinions.
SIMMONS:Great idea, Sir.
SARGE:Yes it is. And I'll kill anyone who doesn't agree.
Cut to Church talking, as he often does
CHURCH:Okay guys, we gotta come up with some really great resolutions. I believe in you guys, you're all smart, and creative, aaand you have lots of different ideas. In fact, I think that this is the best team ever.
Turns out Tucker, Tex and Caboose are there too, and Caboose is facing backwards
CABOOSE:Where is Church? I can hear him, but I can't see him.
CHURCH:I know you guys can do it.
CABOOSE:I think I am invisible.
TUCKER:Thanks man. Hey, wait a minute, what's your New Year's resolution?
CHURCH:I have resolved to do a much better job, motivating all of you retards. In fact I'll tell you what if you can't come up with things that you need to change about yourself, I have compiled a list of areas that each of you can improve in. For some of you it's very long.
TUCKER:I'm gonna show more respect to women. Chicks totally fall for all that sincerity crap.
TEX:I guess if I have to have a New Year's resolution, maybe I can try settling my differences with people, without resorting to violence.
TUCKER:That's a great idea. You should try settling them by resorting to sex.
TEX:I was thinking diplomacy.
TUCKER:Tex, it's "sex and violence." Who ever heard of "diplomacy and violence?" Go for the sex. I do.
CHURCH:Tucker.
TUCKER:What? We still have a few more hours before the contest starts.
TEX:We do? Good.
Tex punches Tucker in the arm so hard that he falls over and bleeds
TUCKER:Ow, son of a- woman, you just lost all my respect.
CHURCH:Well, so much for both of those ideas. Hey Caboose, what's your resolution?
CABOOSE:I don't think we should be part of a revolution. I love my country, and I think we should support our troops!
TUCKER:Caboose, we are our troops.
CHURCH:Hugggh, dear God. I hope this year isn't as long as last year.
Cut back to Sarge being all Sargey
SARGE:Okay, let's review. This year, Grif resolves to quit drinking, smoking, and overeating.
GRIF:Fuck that, I'm no quitter!
SARGE:Also to die. Simmons will work on controlling his anger-
SIMMONS:God dammit I don't have an anger control issue!
SARGE:And Donut will stop talking like the French cartoon skunk Pepe la Pieu during staff meetings.
DONUT:Oui oui, my precious floweur. Hum, huhua, hu hu huh huhuh, huh humhah, humwah, mwah, mwah.
GRIF:What about you Sarge?
SARGE:Me? I'm resolving never to get caught by surprise in a battle situation. Of course that's hardly a challenge for me, as I can sense the enemy's movement, before they even know they've moved themselves.
A tank shell hits behind Sarge and bullets start flying
SARGE:Dick Clark's robot clone! We're being attacked! By surprise!
CHURCH:Yeahah, suck it Reds!
TUCKER:Yeah, take that! Take that!
CABOOSE:Yeah, it's New Year's Eve Revolutionizing time!
TUCKER:Come get some disrespect, bitches!
SIMMONS:What the hell are you guys doing?
CHURCH:Sheila calculated the odds of us winning the contest at two hundred and fifty six million to one. Actually to point nine eight, but we rounded off.
TEX:So since we're gonna lose anyway, we decided to make our own resolution kicking your ass!
CABOOSE:Yeah! You've been auld lang synenized! You will now forget acquaintences, that you didn't know you were supposed to forget!
SARGE:Grif, quick! Do your best Frenchman impersonation while we leave you to die without dignity! I mean, while we get, the base ready for the party!
GRIF:I told you this would end badly. I picked the wrong day to quit smoking.
CHURCH:Hahaha, better luck next year ya dumbass.
GRIF:And drinking. And eating ho-hos.
DONUT:I sure hope this battle ends soon, I wanna get back to the base before midnight so I can watch the balls drop.
TUCKER:There's only one ball in Time Square, Donut.
DONUT:...What's Time Square?


RvB: Out of Mind
Part 1

Cut through various scenery shots during the flashy new title panels, eventually settling on a front gate with Wyoming walking through it
WYOMING:You there, look alive.
Wyoming goes through the door, and as the Guards chatter Tex, invisible, sneaks up behind them
BLUE GUARD:Crikey, boss seems like he's in a bad mood today.
RED GUARD:No kidding.
BLUE GUARD:What's gone up his bum eh?
RED GUARD:What do you think tomorrow is?
BLUE GUARD:Hold on a bit... You hear that?
RED GUARD:Hear what?
BLUE GUARD:You hear that?
RED GUARD:Hear what?
BLUE GUARD:Come on you gotta hear that one.
RED GUARD:Hear whaa-ooooh crap.
Tex punches the Red Guard in the face and knocks him out, then goes visible and runs down a hallway as the Blue Guard shoots at her
BLUE GUARD:(honing in) Gotcha now, mate! What's that noise?
Blue Guard looks down and sees a glowing blue spider grenade attached to his foot
BLUE GUARD:Crikey!
The grenade goes off, shooting the Guard very high in the air
TEX:Hope I didn't scare ya fellas.
BLUE GUARD:Crikeeeeeeeeeeeeeey (lands behind Tex as she walks by) ...Bollucks.
TEX:(in voiceover) I'd been tracking my old friend, Wyoming, hoping that he'd lead me to his boss. But I wasn't having any luck, until he came here. Now I hate locked doors, but at least that means there's something, or someone, worth lockin' up. Still, I have a pretty good sixth sense, and I couldn't shake the feeling that I was walking right in to a ...
The locked door she was talking about opens suddenly, and Wyoming drives a jeep at her face
TEX:(backing up swiftly) Crap!
The jeep goes up a slope and gets stuck
WYOMING:Well well, look who abandoned her mates to follow me. I'm flattered of course, but you'll pardon me for not acting surprised, Tex.
TEX:(in voiceover) Oh, by the way? I'm Tex. And yes, I know it's a guy's name.
WYOMING:And it seems you've killed my two best guards. Oh bugger.
TEX:Oops. Sorry 'bout that.
WYOMING:Perish the thought, my dear. Tomorrow is pay day; you actually saved me quite a bit of money. Kill anyone else and I might have to start paying you commission.
TEX:Where is he?
WYOMING:Oh right, and here I thought you were spending all this time trying to get close to me. Tisk tisk.
TEX:Cut the shit. Where is he?
WYOMING:Yes, he asks about you too, Tex. It's almost as if you two are on the same mind.
TEX:That's not funny.
WYOMING:Sorry, but I can't play matchmaker today, I'm entirely too busy.
Wyoming backs the jeep off the incline, and Tex jumps on the side and starts punching him in the face. He runs the jeep against the wall to get rid of her and drives off
TEX:Dammit!
WYOMING:Ta ta for now!
TEX:(in voiceover while chasing him on foot) So here's my problem: Wyoming was my only lead. Losing him would mean losing any chance of finding his boss. There was no way I was gonna let that happen. Wyoming didn't know it, but he was gonna lead me right to him.
While going on and on as women often do, Tex picks up a random sniper rifle and loads it with a tracking device and shoots the back of Wyoming's car with it
VOICE ON RADIO:Come in Wyoming.
WYOMING:Wyoming here, go ahead.
VOICE ON RADIO:Did she take the bait?
WYOMING:Indeed. Hook line and sinker, mate. Hook line and sinker.
VOICE ON RADIO:Excellent. Hm hm hm hm ha ha ha ha haa.


RvB: Out of Mind
Part 2

Credits come in with several recruits running across the screen as the voice booms over the loudspeaker
UNKNOWN VOICE:Alright I wanna see some hustle out there! I mean the, hard work kinda hustle not the, disco or legal scam kinda hustle. Apologize for the confusion on that earlier.
Special Forces Training. The voice continues mostly inaudibly in the background
CHURCH:Your armor looks good. A lot better than this regulation blue stuff they give the rest of us.
TEX:They told us each one has a unique ability. I've been tryin' to figure out what mine is-
CHURCH:Tex you know, you don't have to do this.
TEX:I'm not doing it because I have to.
CHURCH:It's just that, there's all these rumours about these experiments they're running, they're... taking computer programs and puttin' 'em inside of people's heads. Just sounds a little, crazy.
TEX:You know I can't talk about it with you.
CHURCH:I know.
TEX:Technically you're not even supposed to be here.
CHURCH:I know.
BLUE GUY:Hey Leonard, come on.
CHURCH:Yeah hold on a second Jimmy!
WYOMING:Yes I think it best you go, Private. We've got real military work to do here. Perhaps you should go back to your training. Learn how to get shot properly. Hmhmhm.
CHURCH:Yeah thanks. I was already leaving.
Church walks a little, then stops
UNKNOWN VOICE:Never leave a man behind... except when it's to save them from danger, you should probably let women and children go first, and come back for the men later.
CHURCH:Tex I... just be careful.
UNKNOWN VOICE:Just give us your best judgment.
Fade to the present. Tex gives a stirring monologue about the events happening on screen, below
TEX:(voiceover) He was right about the rumours: every operative was paired and implanted with some kind of modified A.I. They were supposed to make us faster or stronger, or in my case, just plain meaner. The experiment worked for a while, then people just started goin' crazy. So they scrapped the project, and began removing the A.I. modules and deleting them one by one. Problem was, some of the A.I.s didn't wanna be deleted, resisting the removal process. The one in my head, Omega, was one of the difficult ones. Since they couldn't erase him they decided to erase both of us. And that didn't go over so well. By the time we escaped the facility it was pretty clear I had to do something to get rid of Omega for good. Unfortunately, it's pretty hard to hide your thoughts from somethin' that lives inside your head. It wasn't that long before he figured out how to jump outta me, and in to other people using the radio. So removing him was the easy part. Killing him, was gonna be a different story. And as much as I hate to admit it...
TEX:I'm gonna need some help.


RvB: Out of Mind
Part 3

Credits come in over shots of a city, which later pan down to reveal someone at a door
Commercial District. Tex comes up behind the guy at the door and points her gun at him
TEX:Alright freeze!
GUY:Oh... Sorry officer, I uh, lost my keys to my shop here an I was, trying to figure out a way to, you know um...
TEX:You never were a very good liar York.
YORK:York, haven't been called York in a really long time. Hello Allison.
TEX:I haven't been called Allison in a really long time. You down to petty theft now York? Seems like a waste of your talents.
YORK:Hey, whatever pays the rent. There's not much call for a former infiltration specialist these days.
TEX:I think that's about to change. There's a place I need to get in to and they don't want me to get in to it.
YORK:You know, they never do? What do you think D, should we trust her?
A glowing green little man pops up next to his shoulder
D:Hmm, that depends. Is he still with her?
TEX:What the, you still have yours!?
D:(changing colours to ...salmon, I guess) Alarm, threat level raised. 71% chance of violent outcome.
YORK:Okay, take it easy.
D:(returning to green) Chance of defeating Agent Texas in combat is extremely unlikely.
TEX:What's going on here?
YORK:Thank you D. Look, put the weapon down Tex. Delta's not a threat to anyone, never was. You know, if anyone should be nervous about onboard passengers around here it should be me.
TEX:Well don't be nervous. Omega's gone.
DELTA:Chance of defeating Agent Texas: still very unlikely.
YORK:Okhay, I get it. Thank you, retire now.
DELTA:Executing. (shuts off)
YORK:Let's go inside.
Slowly cut to York and Tex inside an arbitrary building, as is their way
TEX:Nice place, you furnish it yourself?
YORK:Actually, I had an interior decorator help me. ...She's dead now. Look, Tex, are you absolutely sure he's not anywhere in that head of yours?
TEX:Omega's gone. That's why I'm here.
YORK:Oh. Let me guess: he's gone, but that's not good enough. You wanna kill him too.
TEX:He spent a lot of time in my head, York. You know what it's like: whatever they think, we think. Whatever we know, they know.
YORK:Hyheah, I'm familiar. Remember all Reggie's dumb knock-knock jokes?
TEX:York, this is serious. Omega wants to do a lot of bad things. I already know where he is, I just need your help to get in.
YORK:Why?
TEX:He's not alone. Wyoming.
YORK:Uhh, speak of the devil. Okay, let's say I do this. What's in it for me?
TEX:Payback. How's the vision in your eye?
YORK:Still blurry... Hurts when I read.
TEX:Well then, how 'bout a little revenge?
YORK:You know, technically, you're the reason I have one bad eye.
TEX:No, technically I'm the reason you still have one good eye.
YORK:Hhhh, whaddaya think, D?
DELTA:(reappearing) Agent Texas poses a serious risk to any mission. The spontaneous ejection of A.I. can be catastrophic to the psyche of an agent.
YORK:She seems okay to me.
DELTA:May I remind you what happened when Program Gamma removed itself from Agent Wyoming.
YORK:That won't be necessary, D. Look, what's your recommendation? We in or we out?
DELTA:Tactical Matrix is incalculable. Outcome is uncertain. Chance of success is unknown. But, a little payback would be nice.
YORK:We're in.


RvB: Out of Mind
Part 4

Credits come in panning down a very tall building
TEX:Okay, I'm officially worried. There hasn't been any movement for days. It looks like they've bunkered down, or left.
YORK:Yep. What do you think, D?
DELTA:If Omega is inside the building, we must enter to locate him. If he has already left, that building contains the only clues to his current location. In either scenario, we must-
YORK:Let's go.
York and Tex run along the desert plain toward the building
TEX:Okay then, stick to the plan. We split, maintain visual, no radios, movement on fours. Sync?
YORK:Synced.
TEX:Go.
York runs forward
DELTA:(in his head) York, I am concerned. I have been monitoring Agent Texas, her vital statistics are well above normal.
YORK:I'm sure she's just tense, D.
Tex runs by
YORK:Okay? I am too, and I'm not fighting something that lived in my head for a few years.
DELTA:(appearing and running too) Agree, but the anomoly is worth noting. Once we encounter the target her emotions may make her actions erratic.
YORK:What can I tell ya? Just one of the things that makes us human, D.
DELTA:(catching up) Excellent point, York. I was not looking at it from a flawed perspective. I will try to do so in the future.
YORK:Well it sure would make these conversations easier. Thanks for coming down to my level, D.
DELTA:I am here to assist.
Tex and York run in to the base and join up inside
TEX:No vis.
YORK:No vis.
TEX:There it is, bust the lock and this teleporter will take us up top.
YORK:Whoa whoa, you said an encrypted lock. This is a holographic lock.
TEX:Is there a difference?
YORK:Yeah, hence the two names.
TEX:So can you open it or not?
YORK:Of course I can! It's just much harder. I just brought it up 'cause I wanted you to realize how kick-ass I am.
TEX:I'm convinced, get to work.
DELTA:(reappearing) York, why are we doing this? Killing Omega will not repair the damage he did to your optic nerve.
YORK:I'm not doin' it to fix my eye, D. I'm doin' it because my eye is broken.
DELTA:I apologize, but that does not make sense to me.
YORK:Omega and Allison were always the best. Noone could compete with them. Not me, not Wyoming not anybody. Trying to beat them when I should have given up is how I got hurt in the first place.
DELTA:Oh, so it is pride. I was registering an emotion, but I incorrectly categorized it as "stupidity."
YORK:Yeah, they're closely related.


RvB: Out of Mind
Part 5

Credits come in over Tex preparing for battle, and York opening the teleporter
TEX:Okay I'll take the lead. Give me fifteen seconds then follow, sync?
YORK:Sync.
Tex runs through the teleporter
YORK:I need you to stay tight D, watch my bad side.
DELTA:Of course, watching left. Execute in, three, two, one, execute. Good luck.
YORK:Thanks.
York runs through the teleporter and joins the firefight
YORK:Tex, sitrep!
TEX:Five of them at three six and three O!
DELTA:Three Alpha mark. I do believe I've received the next part of the sentence.
TEX:(shooting one) Dead one at three, one down, cover my thirteen!
DELTA:Problem, beta and small explosives needed.
YORK:Ace?
TEX:Y, stop thinking! Go low!
YORK:Copy.
TEX:Next reload, let's split up, you go Bravo.
YORK:Copy. D, need a speaker for mark.
DELTA:Speaker active.
TEX:Copy.
DELTA:Mark.
TEX AND  YORK:Mark!
Tex and York run out and slaughter everyone
DELTA:Reload and go. Three. Enemy eliminated. 92% efficiency. 36 rounds of 39 fired.
TEX:Dammit, jam! Cover, cover cover!
Wyoming fires at York on his way by
DELTA:Alarm!
Wyoming hits York on his vulnerable left side. Tex throws a grenade to move Wyoming away
TEX:York, are you okay?
YORK:It's that damn left side.
TEX:D, info.
DELTA:York has sustained two wounds to his upper-left chest. Recommend evac stat.
YORK:Just, need a minute. Heahh.
DELTA:Administering field stint, and analgesic
YORK:Wait, Tex, don't don't let 'im-
DELTA:York is now unconscious. Alarm: target Alpha has reloaded.
TEX:How bad is it D?
DELTA:York will not survive.
TEX:Okay D, hop in to me. I'll host you until we get outta this.
DELTA:Thank you Allison, but I would prefer to stay, with York. He will need me to maintain his pain medication.
TEX:An A.I. can't fall in to enemy hands, D. If you're in there when he dies, you know what the armour's protocol will do to you.
DELTA:I would prefer to stay with York.
TEX:That's very kind of you D.
DELTA:It's just part of what makes us human, Tex.
Tex walks out toward Wyoming, who shoots her in the front... a lot... but she doesn't go down. Instead, she turns in to a hologram, and the real Tex flanks him unawares
TEX:Don't move.
WYOMING:How in bloody hell?
TEX:Thanks for the light show, D.
DELTA:I'm here to assist.
WYOMING:Bollucks.
DELTA:However I am afraid I will not be able to assist you further. York's armour is beginning to shut down.
TEX:I understand.
DELTA:Good luck to both of you.
WYOMING:Both of us? You must be failing if you wish your enemy luck.
DELTA:Good and evil are human constructs, Reginald. I was merely attempting to be courteous (shuts down)
WYOMING:Well one more freelancer gone. I'm afraid the reunion committee will be none to happy to hear about that.
TEX:Can it. Tell me where Omega is and don't play dumb with me.
WYOMING:Hardly. I do beleive our dear Omega is currently killing all your friends in that miserable canyon.
TEX:What? Why?
WYOMING:I might have mentioned you were there. He's quite keen to make your acquaintence again.
TEX:But you saw me at the snow fortress!
WYOMING:Tex may I remind you I still have a contract on some of those people at Blood Gulch. I figured why not kill eight birds with one stone, eh?
TEX:Well, you just signed his death warrant.
WYOMING:Afraid not my dear. You see he's already moved on to someone else, and you'll have no way of telling who.
TEX:Who did he jump in to?
WYOMING:Huh, hmhmhm, that dear Tex is between me and Omega. Oh, but you'll find out soon enough.
TEX:You know what? You don't have to tell me. All I have to do is pummel you senseless, rip off your helmet, and access your communication logs. I'll know exactly where he is.
WYOMING:Uh, hm. I see. Well in that case, perhaps I shall tell you.
TEX:Nah, I like my way better.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 78: You Can't Park Here

Fade in to Blue Base in a very boring, very uninteresting way... the perfect way to start a new season
Church enters as thumping sounds are audible within
CHURCH:Hey Doc, what the hell's going on in there?
DOC:Church, everything's fine. The patient is just resting.
CHURCH:Doesn't sound like he's resting.
DOC:That's not Tucker, that's our new arrival.
BABY ALIEN:Blarrrrrrg.
DOC:He's got a lot of energy since his first feeding.
CHURCH:Tucker, fed, the baby? Gross.
DOC:Actually Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say, it takes a village.
CHURCH:How'd you get him to agree to that?
DOC:It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice.
BABY ALIEN:Blarg honk, honk!
CHURCH:He hates needles.
DOC:No needles; it turns out if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in!
Caboose emerges behind Doc
DOC:It's like a miracle to see nature at work.
CABOOSE:I feel dizzy!
CHURCH:Um, is he gonna be okay?
DOC:Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go. I'n't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker. Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'd be crazy.
CABOOSE:(looking around randomly) Oooooh...
DOC:Anyway blood is pretty important, so Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness, or nausea, or sensitivity to light-
CABOOSE:I think I'm going to stop standing up now.
Caboose collapses in a convenient heap
DOC:Or passing out.
CABOOSE:Church if I die I want you to have my orange juice.
BABY ALIEN:Blargblargblargblargblargblarg!
CHURCH:How can Tucker sleep with all that racket?
DOC:Sleeping? He's not sleeping... He's in a coma.
CHURCH:Alright, that's it. Get out of the way Doc. I'll take care o' this.
CABOOSE:I can't feel my torso.
DOC:I don't think so. A newborn is really susceptable to infection, and disease. And cuddling. I only wanna expose it to as few people as possible.
CHURCH:Doc, don't worry, I'm not gonna give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck and shoot it in the head. Because that's how I roll.
DOC:Well now you're definitely not coming in. And I think we're gonna send back your shower gift too.
CABOOSE:I'm still laying here. Why won't anyone help me.
CHURCH:I tell you what - I promise to wash my hands before I destroy the abomination of nature, okay?
DOC:Sorry.
CHURCH:Doc - Seriously, you can't keep me from going inside my own base.
DOC:Church, don't make me pull rank on you.
CHURCH:Rh-rank? What the fuck- I outrank, you don't outrank me I'm a Captain!
DOC:No, you're a Private with a dead Captain. The last time I checked, that makes you a Private. With a dead Captain.
CABOOSE:My body... is trying to die.
CHURCH:W-okay fine, then we're both Privates, you don't outrank me.
DOC:No, I'm Medical Super-Private, First Class.
CHURCH:That's not a real rank.
DOC:Yes it is.
CHURCH:Since when?
DOC:Uh, since I sent them a letter every day for four years requesting that promotion.
BABY ALIEN:Harrgh!
CHURCH:They promoted you for that!? You haven't even used your weapon!
DOC:Leadership isn't about firing bullets and stabbing people Church, leadership is about being able to tell others to fire bullets and stab people.
CABOOSE:If I've been bitten, does that mean I'm going to turn in to one of them?
CHURCH:Shut up Caboose.
CABOOSE:Blaaaaaaaaaa-
CHURCH:Shut up Caboose.
CABOOSE:-aaaaarg. Oh no, don't let me turn.
The sound of some ship falling heavily to the ground is heard. The ground promptly shakes, like a seizing toddler
CHURCH:The hell was that!?
CABOOSE:I didn't feel anything.
CHURCH:I'll be right back- don't feed any more of our soldiers to the Alien.
Church bravely runs off
DOC:Okay, but I can't make any promises.
CABOOSE:Don't leave me with the horrible doctor.
DOC:Oh shut up Caboose.
CABOOSE:Now he's cursing at me.
Cut to the large spaceship which has fallen almost directly on Donut both just now and at the end of episode 77 ...unlucky guy
SARGE:Simmons, status report. (coughs)
SIMMONS:Um, an enormous thing just fell out of the sky, and landed on Donut, Sir.
SARGE:Are there any other injuries?
SIMMONS:No Sir!
SARGE:You sure?
SIMMONS:I think so.
SARGE:Are you sure? No-one accidentally got shot in the face when someone else's shotgun just accidentally went off during the incredible distraction of a spaceship crash landing. Purely by coincidence?
SIMMONS:Uh, I don't kno-
SARGE:No-one orange?
GRIF:Uhgh, I'm fine.
SIMMONS:Sorry Sir.
SARGE:Oh dehrh. I really need to adjust the sights on this thing.
SIMMONS:What about Private Donut, Sir? There's no way he survived that. Poor Donut. I'll miss him like a sister.
SARGE:I'll miss him like... well, like someone I knew but that I don't really wanna reflect on how deep our relationship went.
As Sarge is talking, a tapping sound is heard and continues
SIMMONS:Wait a second, do you hear that? It sounds like tapping.
GRIF:All I hear is you guys talkin' about your feelings for Donut. And I have to say, I'm not really comfortable with that.
SIMMONS:Listen, there it is again!
SARGE:You're absolutely right! That sounds like Morris Code.
SIMMONS:Um, excuse me Sir, it's actually not Morris Code? It's Morse Code, Sir.
SARGE:Morse, heh. That sounds ridiculous. I don't think so.
SIMMONS:Yes. Morse is the person who developed an international code for communicating without audio. Morris was a television cat that sold cat food.
SARGE:And that cat was one of our finest military minds, don't you see? That just means Donut is alive and trying to contact us! Now, get to tappin'.
SIMMONS:Maybe we can lift the ship off of him somehow.
SARGE:Great idea, Simmons! I've read reports that people can get enormous strength in stressful situations. There was one woman who lifted a car off her baby.
GRIF:You want me to call Donut's mother?
SARGE:Don't make me angry, Grif. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Now if only there were some way to tap in to our inner rage, like that Hulk fella. Dang nabbit! There's never any gamma radiation around when you need it.
SIMMONS:Well what if we tried getting in to the ship, and lowering the landing gear? That might raise the ship-
SARGE:Or, we could build an army of clones that could lift the ship-
SIMMONS:I think that the jack in the Warthog might be able to lift it...
SARGE:Could develop a machine that shrinks the ship, or that makes Donut gigantic! Or both.
SIMMONS:Or we could try digging underneath the hull.
SARGE:I've got it! A levitation ray. I think I have a spare in the base! I'll be right back.
SIMMONS:But Sir!
SARGE:Simmons there's no time to chat about your crackpot theories! (gets in the Warthog) This is a crisis situation. Time to save us all, with science.
Sarge drives off
SARGE:Pshew! Off.
GRIF:Uhf, Sage just drove away with our jack, didn't he.
SIMMONS:And our shovels. Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved to death.
CHURCH:What the fuck are you guys doing out here, breaking the canyon?
GRIF:Fuhuck off, Blue. A ship just crashed on one of our guys.
CHURCH:What, this ship?
SIMMONS:No, another ship. Then that ship left, and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.
CHURCH:Where'd it come from?
GRIF:It's a spaceship, it came from space.
CHURCH:... ... ... Dibs.
SIMMONS:What?
CHURCH:Dibs. I just called dibs. This is my ship now. Dibs.
SIMMONS:No it isn't jackass, we found it first.
CHURCH:Yeah but you didn't call dibs. I did. Dibs. See?
GRIF:You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous.
CHURCH:Yehehah, yes I can. Dibs- see? I just did it again. Now, get the fuck away from my ship, tomato can.
SIMMONS:Don't call me tomato can.
GRIF:Try and take it then.
CHURCH:Um... okay. Sheila?
SHEILA:You bet.
GRIF:Fuck! You forgot about that too, didn't you.
SIMMONS:Yeah, kinda.
SHEILA:Now step away from the ship, tomato can.
GRIF:Ha ha, tomato can.
SHEILA:You too, lemon head.
GRIF:Hey I'm orange, not yellow!
SHEILA:(in a weird voice) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 79: Got Your Back

Fade in to the showdown in the middle of the Gulch at the spaceship, with tapping and everything
CHURCH:What the hell is that tapping noise? Sounds like Morris Code.
SIMMONS:Morse.
CHURCH:Sheila, if he corrects me again, please make him blow up.
SHEILA:Ah huhah, sounds like fun. (trains her turret on them)
CHURCH:Well what does it say?
GRIF:It says "tap tap tap." We don't know.
SIMMONS:We were trying to translate it when you showed up an interrupted us.
CHURCH:No, when I interrupted you, you were standing around doing nothing. Just like the last fifty times I interrupted you guys. Oh wai-wai-wait, listenlisten! Listen, it says, "Red, sucks, balls," hey, look my new ship can talk! And it knows things. That's a good ship.
SIMMONS:It's not your ship, it's our ship. We called it, and it came.
CHURCH:I don't know, I don't see any markings on it.
SIMMONS:It landed on Donut!
SHEILA:That was fantastic.
CHURCH:How in the heck would that mean- oh wait, the pink guy? Oh I actually liked him!
GRIF:Seriously, what's with all these feelings for Donut?
SIMMONS:You can't have the ship.
CHURCH:I'm not asking for it: it's already mine. Right Sheila?
SHEILA:Actually, I kind of like it. I think it is mine.
CHURCH:Hey are you okay?
SIMMONS:(under his breath) I think there's something wrong with the tank.
GRIF:Yeah, I noticed.
SIMMONS:I've got an idea.
GRIF:Whoa, okay hold on a second. Before you get too deep in to this, let me remind you that we don't exactly have a good track record, when it comes to our plans and that tank.
SIMMONS:Come on Grif, I think the tank's malfunctioning.
GRIF:Well only one part of it has to function for me to get turned in to a cloud of orange mist.
CHURCH:Okay, just be cool.
SHEILA:I am cool. You be cool.
SARGE:Bad news, fellas, I couldn't find that levitation ray, but I did find the remote control to- hey, what's goin' on out here?! Whaddaya think you're doing you lousy Blue?
CHURCH:I'm just trying to figure out what the deal is with this spaceship.
SARGE:Dibs!
GRIF AND  SIMMONS:Too late.
SARGE:Dang, nabbit! Why do I ever leave you two to guard anything? Everybody knows about the International Dibs Protocol! And the No Takebacks Accord.
Sheila starts driving off
CHURCH:See guys, this is our ship. And by ours, I mean mine, and my... eighty ton... ...friend.
SHEILA:Bye everyone.
CHURCH:Uh...
All the Reds cock their weapons and point them at the stranded Blue
CHURCH:I'm gonna be right back.
SHEILA:Uh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...
SARGE:Hey Blue! You know that ship you called dibs on? Well I got next! Hah! Now the ship is mine again!
SIMMONS:Excellent strategy, Sir.
GRIF:Jesus, remember when we used to solve problems with violence? Ah, the good ol' days.
Cut to Tucker and Caboose sprawled on the floor of Blue Base ...away from each other, you sick bastard
CHURCH:Caboose, where's Doc?
CABOOSE:Doc left. Took the baby for a walk. It's growing up so fast. Seems like just yesterday he was born.
CHURCH:Well actually, that's because he was, born today. Like, an hour ago.
CABOOSE:We need to cherish these times. I wish I knew how to scrapbook.
CHURCH:Where's Tucker?
CABOOSE:Still in a coma.
CHURCH:Great. Tucker's out, Sheila's on the fritz, and now Doc is babysitting. Caboose, if we survife the next five minutes, I'll be fuckin' amazed.
Church exits back the way he came
CABOOSE:I'm fine by the way! Don't worry about me. ...I'm so cold.
Cut to Sarge in front of the ship
SARGE:Quit yer yammerin'. Let's see if we can get this thing movin'. I was thinkin' about our discussion earlier, and a-
SIMMONS:And you decided to use one of my ideas?
SARGE:Course not! I've got a new much more realistic plan for lifting the ship. If Donut is underneath, all we need to do is enrage him to the point where he can lift the ship and our work is done. Now quick, help me think. What would make Donut furious.
GRIF:I don't know, have you tried sharing your plan with him? That'd probably do it.
SARGE:Hey Donut! I was back at the base reading some of your fashion mags - they said that pink is no longer the new black! Turns out black is the new black, and pink is the old black. Which is now white! And it's after Labor Day, you know what that means -
GRIF:Oh dear God.
SARGE:Also we needed to do some minor rust repairs on the Warthog's drive train. The bad news is that the only lubricants I could find were your imported hand creams! The good news is, the jeep now smells like lilacs. Rusty metal lilacs.
GRIF:This has got to be th-
SARGE:This doesn't seem to be working. Alright, time for Plan B.
SIMMONS:Break in to the ship, and see if we can raise it-
SARGE:No, Plan B is to try to induce super powers in Grif. Simmons, get my jar of radioactive spiders out of the Warthog. Come here Grif, I need to borrow your neck.
A loud metallic creaking comes from the ship
GRIF:Did you just hear that?
SARGE:Mayor of Burbank! Plan A is working! Quick Grif - get me a list of the latst celebrity break-ups! Simmons, help me out!
SIMMONS:Hey Donut! I hear they cancelled daytime television.
SARGE:Hey Donut! Command called. They rejected your new definition for fire in the hole. They're gonna stick with the old one.
SIMMONS:Oh Donut! I heard that the Winter Olympics is gonna focus even more on snowboarding next time.
GRIF:I can't take this. I'm gonna go watch some football.
SARGE:Grif's been using your paisley thong as a slingshot!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 80: Baby Steps

Fade in to Church approaching Doc somewhere that's probably the Gulch
CHURCH:Hey Doc, we've got problems man, I need to call Command.
DOC:...
CHURCH:Hello? Earth to Doc. I mean, this place, to Doc.
DOC:Don't you wanna say hello to our new friend?
CHURCH:What?
Church looks down at a very small, teal alien
BABY ALIEN:Honk?
CHURCH:I don't... I c- I can't, I can't I don't, this is-
DOC:Take your time. This is a big moment.
BABY ALIEN:Blarg.
CHURCH:I can't deal with this right now.
BABY ALIEN:Hnnnk!
CHURCH:Shut up, you're disgusting. Doc, what is Vic's number?
DOC:What for?
CHURCH:For reinforcements. Wait, unless, you've had like, specialized combat training in the last ten minutes.
DOC:Uh, nope.
CHURCH:Then yeah, reinforcements.
DOC:Well I did just change a dirty diaper-
CHURCH:That doesn't count.
DOC:I don't know, it was a real doozey. Number two.
CHURCH:Doc, focus! Vic's number, what is it?
DOC:Come on Church, everybody remembers Vic's number! Didn't he ever teach you the song?
CHURCH:Oh right. Vic's jingle.
DOC:(singing) If you want to talk, don't email. And don't you click, clickclickclick, just call me up at five five five, V-I-C-K.
CHURCH:You know it probably would have been more memorable if it rhymed. Or if his name actually ended in a K.
DOC:Oh, music is a great way to learn things. That's how I studied for the MCAT.
CHURCH:You passed the MCAT?
DOC:Nha ha ha hah, not even close. But you should really hear my rendition of the Kelly Clarkson song "Miss Independence." It teaches you all about the lymphatic system. (singing) Doum, d-doum, lymphatic system-"
CHURCH:Hey, shut up I'm on the phone.
BABY ALIEN:Honk!
CHURCH:And do me a favour, kill that fucking thing, would you?
Familiar radio sounds
VIC:Hey dude.
CHURCH:Vic! Hey, it's Church.
VIC:This is Vic, at 555-V-I-C-K, doo doodleydoo. I'm not in the cassita right now, so leave your low-down at the ding-dong. Hasta.
CHURCH:Hey Vic, this is Church I need ta-
VIC'S VOICE MAIL:You have reached the voice mail system.
CHURCH:*sigh*, okay okay, come on.
VIC'S VOICE MAIL:To leave a message, just wait for the tone.
CHURCH:I know how to leave a goddamned message.
VIC'S VOICE MAIL:When you are finished recording, just hang up. Or press pound for more options.
CHURCH:Really, hang up, no shit. I was just gonna keep talkin' until he decided to check his voice mail.
VIC'S VOICE MAIL:For delivery options, press five.
CHURCH:Just give me the damn beep!
VIC'S VOICE MAIL:To leave a callback number, press eight. To page this person, press six.
CHURCH:Come on!
VIC'S VOICE MAIL:To repeat this message, press nine.
CHURCH:I will fucking stab you computer phone lady.
Cut to the tapping of the Sarge's spaceship
GRIF:That tapping is gonna drive me insane. We either need to get donut outta there, or find a way to kill him.
SIMMONS:Donut, can you please stop tapping. We heard you. You're crushed and you're in mortal danger, we get it.
GRIF:I can feel the tapping in my brain!
SARGE:Well I have to admit it, I'm stumped! I have no idea how to get him out.
GRIF:Jesus! How long would it take him to starve to death? When was the last time he ate? ...Sarge, didn't you once tell me you built self destruct mechanisms in to our armour? Can't you just use Donut's?
SARGE:No, sadly that's just you, Grif. Although I could activate yours if you'd like.
GRIF:How would that help?
SARGE:Well the situation would be a little less annoying.
SIMMONS:You want me to get the activation code Sir?
SARGE:Nah. The activation code is just "activation code." Keep it simple.
SIMMONS:I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
The tapping gets louder
GRIF:Uhoh my God, is it getting louder?
I thought I just said that
GRIF:I bet the Blues don't have to put up with anything this annoying.
Cut back to Church on the phone
VIC'S VOICE MAIL:To mark this message as urgent, press eleven.
CHURCH:There is no eleven you fucking whore!
DOC:Ooh, language.
And back to Sarge et al
SARGE:Men, it pains me as your leader to say this, but I think we need to admit defeat. Years of experience on the battlefield and I've finally met my match. I never thought I'd be beaten by a ship. A ship full of enemies, maybe, but never just a ship itself! Bravo, ship. Brav, oh.
SIMMONS:Don't give up yet Sir, I'm sure we could find a way to-
SARGE:Ah, Simmons it's hopeless. Let's start assigning duties for our retreat.
The ship's door starts opening behind him
SIMMONS:Uhhh, Sir-
SARGE:Simmons you can pack up all the toiletries and remaining MREs. But make sure not to mix them up, or we'll never be able to tell 'em apart again.
GRIF:Sir, you really should turn around.
SARGE:Sure, and give the ship a chance to rub it in. No dice.
SIMMONS:Sir the door's open, that means we won. Another victory for the glorious Red Army.
SARGE:What? I mean of course it is! Looks like my plan worked! Chalk up another one in the win column for Sarge! Hey who's that guy? Let's shoot him.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 81: Sibling Arrivalries

Fade in to the ship from above, with a looong pause...
VIC'S VOICE MAIL:To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.
CHURCH:I hate you!
VIC'S VOICE MAIL:*beep*
CHURCH:Vic, it's Church, I need y-
VIC'S VOICE MAIL:I'm sorry, but this person's voice mailbox is full.
CHURCH:Uhchmmm I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself.
DOC:Uh, what was all that about?
CHURCH:Doc, we are royally screwed. Half our team is down, and I think th-
DOC:No it's not, look! Caboose is already back in action.
Cut to Caboose emerging from Blue Base in the distance
CABOOSE:I'm okay! I'm okay!
Caboose collapses again, but this time in the warmth of the sun
CABOOSE:I'm not okay!
DOC:He's fine.
CHURCH:Like I was saying, half the team is down, and the half that's left, sucks. So all the Reds need to do is attack us, and we're dead.
BABY ALIEN:Hnnk!
CHURCH:Oh right, and I have to kill this fucking thing.
CABOOSE:Also I see a big ship. Now I know I'm hallucinating!
CHURCH:Oh I forgot that part! The Reds also have an enormous ship that was sent by their Command. Probably has a huge fucking weapon on it. Like a nuke, or a biological weapon that's gonna melt our skin, or a genetic weapon that's gonna make everyone in blue armour sterile... awesome.
DOC:Hmm. Maybe this isn't the best time to remind you that technically I'm neutral in this conflict.
CHURCH:Doc, I don't think the situation could get much worse. I mean the ship is bad enough, but God knows what kind of reinforcements they have in that thing. Could be a whole new squad! Or a freelancer! Or-
Cut to the Reds mid-sentence, standing in front of a new person in yellow armour
SIMMONS:Grif's sister?
GRIF'S SISTER:Yeah. Isn't that cool?
SARGE:You know I always knew there was a genetic possibility that Grif would have blood relatives. But I always held on to the hope that he was the horrible by-product of an experiment on a turd manufacturing plant!
GRIF:Go home.
GRIF'S SISTER:What?
GRIF:Go home, right now. Get in your ship, uncrash it, and fly it home.
GRIF'S SISTER:Whatever. Make me.
GRIF:As much as I don't wanna spoil my reputation as a do-nothing slacker, I will not hesitate to beat you senseless and drop you in that ship myself.
GRIF'S SISTER:I thought you would be happy to see me.
GRIF:How did you even get here, we're in the future!
SIMMONS:Hmm, I think I know how. Did you use your hyperdrive to get here, or just the light drive?
GRIF'S SISTER:Which one is the hippie drive? Is that the one with all the knobs or is it the other one with all the knobs?
SIMMONS:Yeah, she probably came here just using the light drive. And as Einstein theorized, in his theory of relativity-
GRIF:English.
SIMMONS:When you travel near the speed of light, time slows down for you. Essentially she came forward in time by travelling at light speed.
GRIF:That's stupid.
SIMMONS:No, that's science. Didn't you ever read the famous science fiction story where the astronaut watches his baby son being born, but then he gets in a ship-
GRIF:No.
SIMMONS:Well, did you ever read the one where-
GRIF:No.
SIMMONS:How 'bout-
GRIF:I didn't read any of them!
GRIF'S SISTER:Hey. Who's the nerd?
SIMMONS:Excuse me, I'm not a nerd. My Mom says there's nothing shameful about being smart.
SARGE:Alright Missy, there's just one thing I don't get. How'd you join the Army?
GRIF'S SISTER:What do you mean? I just signed up.
SARGE:But you're a... you know you you got lady parts.
GRIF'S SISTER:So?
SARGE:So unless this is the cooking and sewing Army-
GRIF'S SISTER:No, I went to join the real Army.
SARGE:Does your gun shoot brownies?
GRIF'S SISTER:What?
SIMMONS:You'll have to excuse Sarge, he comes from the old school.
GRIF'S SISTER:Thanks. By the way, nobody says "old school" any more. Actually, they told me I was too young. So I grabbed an extra suit of armour, and boosted a shuttle.
GRIF:Glad you learned something from me.
GRIF'S SISTER:Nohoho, I'm just kidding. I always wanted to do something like that.
GRIF:But why did you join the Army? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
GRIF'S SISTER:Well, you always looked after me when Mom ran away to join the circus.
SIMMONS:W-wait a second, hold on. Your Mom is in the circus? Hyou know, at first I didn't like you, but you've already made my insults forty-five percent more efficient by just saying one sentence.
SARGE:Was your Mom a flaming sword swallower? We could use somebody to replace Donut.
SIMMONS:Nope. You know how circuses have a bearded lady, and a fat lady? Well, my Mom plays both, 'cause she's like, super-talented.
SIMMONS:Oh my God. Is it okay if I record everything you say?
GRIF'S SISTER:Sure! Anyway, Grif always looked after me, but when he went away, I didn't wanna be alone.
SIMMONS:Okay, let me get this straight. You felt scared, being alone, so you decided to join a war.
SARGE:She's a Grif alright.
GRIF:Wait a minute, she was the one who was tapping!
SIMMONS:Duh.
GRIF'S SISTER:Yeah. I was wondering why you guys didn't answer.
SIMMONS:None of us know Morse Code. It's outdated.
GRIF'S SISTER:Don't you mean old school?
GRIF:No, don't you get it? If she was the one tapping, then what happened to Donut?
Cut to a an immense underground cavern, with muffled voices coming from above
DONUT:A baby, wait up! I wanna see!
SARGE:Donut, get back here! Wait for the ship.
DONUT:But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here. It's coming all the way from Earth. That could take days, or weeks, or months, or even years!
The ship lands, and Donut falls all the way from the top of the cavern to the bottom, taking a good six seconds to get there, landing with a thud
DONUT:Ow.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 82: The Grif Reaper

Fade in to a view through a sniper rifle that's moving jerkily and randomly
CHURCH:See him there? Right there, the yellow one.
CABOOSE:The one next to Simmons. That's Grif.
CHURCH:The other yellow one. Dumbass.
CABOOSE:Oh, that new yellow person, y-oh yes of course, yes uh, he looks very scary. yes and uh I know that because I am looking right at him, right now, yes. He is yellow. This is very interesting.
* You don't even see him, do you.
CABOOSE:Yeah and I don't even know how to use this thing.
CHURCH:Oh man, this is no good. Yellow armour. What does yellow armour mean, is that like some kinda... special ops guy or... man this can't be good for us.
CABOOSE:What if it's a new gun.
CHURCH:What? Why'm I even talking to you, it's a person, in yellow armour we already established that!
CABOOSE:Oh, now wait maybe they got their own medic.
CHURCH:A medic? Caboose, we're not that lucky.
Cut to Donut with a noticably larger baby alien
DOC:See, my suit is purple. Can you say purple? Pur?
BABY ALIEN:Honk?
DOC:Pull.
BABY ALIEN:Hnnnk.
DOC:Great! Once we learn all the colours, we'll learn why you shouldn't judge people by them.
Cut back to Church and Caboose
CHURCH:Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces. Probably trained in, knives or... ball-kicking or somethin'.
CABOOSE:Maybe he's an alien.
CHURCH:An alien that looks just like the rest of us?
CABOOSE:And that is the scariest kind of alien.
CHURCH:Why are you, even here it would be easier for me to just call random people on the phonem, and talk to them about this they would understand the situation better.
In the background, Tucker emerges up the ramp from inside the base and starts approaching
TUCKER:Uh, whudldldluh. Bludludldldlah.
CHURCH:Oh well, look who's awake.
TUCKER:What the fuck happened?
CABOOSE:Oh, well, um, uh as you may remember, uh you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from de-
TUCKER:Can I get the short version of this?
CHURCH:Yeah, you got knocked up, you got knocked out.
TUCKER:Oh right, I need to start workin' out. Lose this baby weight.
CABOOSE:Yeah you know we we should all start working out, you know uh especially some of us.
TUCKER:Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others.
CHURCH:Are you guys talkin' about me?
CABOOSE:We ah didn't wanna say anything.
TUCKER:Yeah, that's why we said something. Fatty!
CHURCH:Hey back off guys, I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team.
TUCKER:Where'd you carry us, to the buffet?
CABOOSE:He said it.
TUCKER:What're you guys doing up here anyway? And what's that huge thing?
CABOOSE:That's Church.
CHURCH:He means the ship Caboose.
CABOOSE:He said it.
CHURCH:The Reds called in a ship, and it landed on Donut. Now they've got new hardware, and a new soldier.
TUCKER:Who, that girl?
CHURCH:Wha- Girl? That's a girl?
TUCKER:Duh. The yellow one, right? The one talking to Simmons?
CABOOSE:Wow you have really good eyes.
TUCKER:I have to. I never get to use the fucking sniper rifle.
CHURCH:You're positive that's a girl. How can you be sure?
TUCKER:Dude, look who you're talking to.
Cut to Grif's unnamed Sister (making me denote her with Grif's Sister all the time) in front of the ship
GRIF'S SISTER:The cool thing, is that I was lucky enough to get sent here! They said your Commander died, and I needed to replace the missing man.
SARGE:What? Our Commander's not dead, I'm our Commander!
SIMMONS:And an excellent one at that, Sir.
SARGE:Thank you Simmons.
GRIF'S SISTER:Yeah. Your Commander died. And one of the troops is going to be promoted, and I was sent to replace the missing troop!
SIMMONS:Wait, w-what's this about a promotion?
SARGE:Sounds like Command made some kinda mistake.
GRIF:I don't know Sarge, I thought you said Command never makes mistakes. That must mean you're dead.
SIMMONS:Seriously, what was the promotion thing? I'm sure I heard something about someone getting promoted.
GRIF'S SISTER:They said one of your troops would be promoted to replace your dead C.O.
SIMMONS:One like me? A maroon one?
GRIF'S SISTER:Hey, you're really scary. That's kinda hot!
GRIF:Sarge, I'm really sorry you died.
SARGE:Don't be stupid, Grif. How can I be dead if I'm standing right here?
GRIF:Well if Command was wrong about you dying, Sarge, couldn't they be wrong about other stuff too? Like, like what if the Blues don't suck? *gasp* What if the Blues are awesome? This changes everything!
Cut to Sarge's gravesite, with everyone standing around the hole, including the deceased
SIMMONS:Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to pay our final respects to Sarge.
SARGE:But I was so young! And violent!
GRIF:And that's what makes this so tragic.
SARGE:Mnohho.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 83: In Memoriam

Fade in to the Reds for Sarge's service
SIMMONS:And now, Grif has asked to say a few things about our beloved Sarge.
GRIF:Hey everybody, it's great to be here. Well, what can I say about a guy like Sarge. I mean besides, "good riddence." Hoooo.
GRIF'S SISTER:Yeah-
GRIF:But seriously, Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too. Zing! Hahahahaa, you know what I'm talking about.
SARGE:Come on, is this a rememberance or a roast?
GRIF:Quiet in the front row. And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talkin' about glazed donut holes, if you know what I mean. Hiyoooo.
SIMMONS:Too soon!
GRIF:Hey now.
SARGE:This is the worst funeral I've ever had! You losers better step up the crying, pronto!
SIMMONS:Oh, don't worry Sir, I've written a stirring speech that's sure to tug at everyone's heartstrings.
SARGE:Good to hear it, now get with the eulogizing!
Simmons runs up to the front
SIMMONS:On it Sir.
GRIF:And who could forget the time Sarge showed us all how to field strip Simmons'-
SIMMONS:Okay that's enough, I said five minutes Grif.
GRIF:Bye everybody, I'll be appearing at the Laugh Cavern every Tuesday. Ladies drink free.
GRIF'S SISTER:Whoohoooo!
GRIF:Not you!
GRIF'S SISTER:Aw.
SIMMONS:Okay, whatever, get off. Hello everyone. I'm here to say a few words about our friend Sarge.
GRIF:Boo, you suck.
SIMMONS:Grif, get off the stage!
GRIF:Uh, sorry.
Grif retreats to the peanut gallery
SIMMONS:Okay, like I was saying, I'm here to say a few words about Sarge.
GRIF:Boooo, you suck!
SIMMONS:As you all know, Sarge was a magnificent leader, and he was a great inspiration to all his troops.
SARGE:Hh, Simmons was right, this is so emotional. Where's my hankie?
SIMMONS:He was a man of honour, discipline, and character.
SARGE:It's like he's saying what we're all thinking.
GRIF:If he was saying what I'm thinkin' he'd be yawning while he said it.
SIMMONS:But perhaps his greatest accomplishment, as a military man...
SARGE:Tell it!
SIMMONS:And a friend...
SARGE:Preach on, preach on.
SIMMONS:Was developing my considerable skills as a soldier and a leader.
SARGE:What?
SIMMONS:As you all know, Sarge's untimely demise leaves a gap in our command structure. A gap that is best filled by Sarge's right hand man. A man that has a vision for the Red Team.
GRIF:Sarge is, is he campaigning for your job at your funeral? Classy.
SIMMONS:The Red Army is faced with a difficult choice. The choice of who will lead us to glorious victory. Let's hope they choose a great candidate. A candidate whose armour is actually a shade of red. Sarge would have wanted it that way. Choose Simmons. It's the only thing Sarge did in life, so don't let his whole existence be in vain. In closing, somebody died, vote for me.
GRIF:Ahawesome speech!
GRIF'S SISTER:Is this the kind of thing you guys do all day?
GRIF:Pretty much. Just run with it. It's the only thing that keeps you from going insane from boredom.
GRIF'S SISTER:Yeah... or we could raid the medical supplies for morphine.
GRIF:Hyeah. Wait what?
SIMMONS:Hey sister, you're up.
GRIF'S SISTER:Awesome!
Grif's Sister swaps places with Simmons
GRIF:Ooh ooh ooh, can I go again? I just thought of a swear word that rhymes with Kentucky.
SARGE:You couldn't even wait for me to be buried, could ya.
SIMMONS:Your death was in the past, Sarge, and we need to look to the future. A future filled with Simmons.
GRIF'S SISTER:Hey everybody. Um, I'm new here, and I didn't know Sargeant very well, but he was very old, and that's gross.
GRIF:Eh-heheh, I wrote that line.
SIMMONS:Grif, let other people have the spotlight for once.
GRIF'S SISTER:Anyway, when you're old and gross, you're probably going to die, and that's kind of sad. But when you think about it, all your friends are probably dead too. And if they're not then they're definitely old, and knowing old people is even sadder than being dead. So, anyway, whatever. Peace out.
SARGE:This is a miserable excuse for a ceremony. Where's the flag folding? Where's the twenty-one gun salute?
SIMMONS:Sir, the flag is an important part of our inventory. We can't just go around having impromptu foldings because we feel like it.
GRIF:And I was in charge of the twenty-one gun salute. Unfortunately we don't have twenty-one guns, so you'll have to settle for what I call the double-bun salute. It starts in just a few moments.
SARGE:Uhgh, I'll just get in my grave now.
SIMMONS:Yeah, maybe that's for the best Sir.
SARGE:Oh, come on, who dug this grave? It's not nearly regulation.
GRIF:Uhg, Simmons let's cover his head first.
SARGE:Come on, you call that buryin'? I've had Girl Scouts bury me better. Put yer backs in to it.
SIMMONS:This might be a bad time to ask, but... have you finished that letter of recommendation I asked for?
SARGE:Step to it men, bury faster! I'm not getting any deader. Come on, double time you maggots! Oh hey look, maggots. Maybe these guys know what they're doing.
GRIF:He's the chattiest corpse I've ever seen.
SARGE:Work that shovel like a hoe. Work that hoe like a shovel.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 84: Strong Male Figure

Fade in on the Alien looking very small again
CHURCH:So this is it Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature.
TUCKER:Uh, what do I do?
CHURCH:Why're you asking me?
TUCKER:I don't know how to be a Dad. This isn't the way I planned it.
CHURCH:You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea.
TUCKER:No no, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal Father-Son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every other weekend and send cheques to some woman I hate.
CABOOSE:It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my Mom.
CHURCH:Alright look let's leave these two alone. Let 'em do a little bonding.
TUCKER:Hey don't leave me here with him, what'm I s'posed to say?
CABOOSE:Ask him if he likes baseball.
CHURCH:It's an alien baby Caboose.
CABOOSE:Ask him if he likes T-ball.
CHURCH:Alien, Caboose. Alien was the key word in that sentence.
TUCKER:Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start.
CHURCH:Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people, so that they can seduce them, and then impregnate them. So, why don't you start with that? You know, common ground.
TUCKER:Yeah I think I'll just stick to baseball.
CABOOSE:Tell him about how his Dad got to third base with you.
CHURCH:Caboose!
Cut to outside the Red Base, now sans Sarge
GRIF:So how much oxygen do you think Sarge has in his suit?
SIMMONS:Oxygen?
GRIF:Yeah, you know, to breathe and stuff.
SIMMONS:Oh, you know, probably like three hours depending on his level of activity.
GRIF:He's buried six feet underground. I don't think he's got much chance for activities.
SIMMONS:Well, I don't think you're an authority.
GRIF:Authority? We didn't even use a coffin, we just threw a buncha dirt on him.
SIMMONS:No; I threw a bunch of dirt on him. You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!
GRIF:You know that trick?
GRIF'S SISTER:I learned from the best!
SIMMONS:Well, as your new Commander you're both gonna learn a little discipline. And we're gonna start by running laps around the base. Sister, you can do girly laps.
GRIF:You mean after we dig up Sarge.
SIMMONS:(drawing a shotgun) No I mean right now, Grif.
GRIF'S SISTER:What're girly laps?
GRIF:Hey, Simmons? I don't think Sarge is gonna like you picking up his shotgun.
Simmons cocks the shotgun
GRIF:And I really don't think he's gonna like you threatening me with it. ...Well okay, he might like that part.
SIMMONS:As the new leader, what I say goes. So everyone needs to start running, right now.
GRIF:But what about Sarge?
SIMMONS:You heard what Command said. Sarge is dead. He died of... what'd he die of?
GRIF'S SISTER:Aspirin overdose.
SIMMONS:See, Sarge is dead of a- an Aspirin overdose? Really?
GRIF'S SISTER:I know! I didn't think it was possible. And trust me, I've tried.
SIMMONS:Yeah, wait- what?
GRIF:Simmons, don't be stupid! He's not dead, he's just lying underground covered in dirt.
SIMMONS:If I say he's dead, he's dead. Ah'm the leader, me! And being the leader means you have to make tough decisions. Like, just for talking back, you can't do girly laps.
GRIF:You've gone blind with imaginary power, Simmons.
SIMMONS:Uh hoh hoh, on the contrary. I think I've gone blind with very real power.
GRIF'S SISTER:Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps!?
SIMMONS:Both of you, shut up. You're running. I'm calling Red Command for confirmation.
GRIF'S SISTER:Why're you calling Red Command.
SIMMONS:For con-fir-mation. Stop asking questions.
GRIF'S SISTER:You keep talking about them. Why don't you call our guys?
GRIF:Our guys?
GRIF'S SISTER:Yeah, the Blue guys.
SIMMONS:Excuse me, the whazzawha?
GRIF'S SISTER:The Blue guys. The guys that sent me here. In the big ship.
SIMMONS:Grif?
GRIF:Uhh, yeah, this might be a bad time to bring up the fact that my Sister is colour blind.
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF'S SISTER:I don't get it, what's the grey guy so upset about?
SIMMONS:But girls can't be colour blind!
GRIF'S SISTER:Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either. But guess what!
GRIF:Yeah! Wait what!?
SIMMONS:I can't believe it. With such a simple espionage plan the Blues have decimated our forces. Quick quick, get me a shovel! Uho, Sarge is gonna be pissed!
GRIF:Hey, Simmons, if she's not here for Sarge, who the hell is she here to replace?
Cut to Donut in the underground
DONUT:Ohh, ohh, uh- Uhhh, ohhh. Uhhhhh. What happened? Where am I? Oh, maybe they know. But it might be rude to wake them up. I'll just wait here a while. *random tune humming*


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 85: Yellow Fever

Fade in to the Reds and Grif's Sister
SIMMONS:Oh my God what's wrong with you, why didn't you tell us you were a Blue?
GRIF'S SISTER:Because-
SIMMONS:And don't say "because nobody asked"
GRIF'S SISTER:But nobody did ask!
SIMMONS:God dammit.
GRIF:So what if she is a Blue? We'll still keep her.
SIMMONS:We can't do that. She's on the other team, she'll kill us in our sleep if we keep her.
GRIF'S SISTER:Do I get to do that? That would be awesome!
GRIF:No she wouldn't. Besides she's colour-blind. We'll just tell her we're Blues.
SIMMONS:Uh, hello, we already told her we're Red? Idiot.
GRIF:Yeah? Well she's fucking dumb, too. Hey, we're Blue now.
GRIF'S SISTER:Woohoo, go Blue, let's win!
GRIF:See?
SIMMONS:Oh please, she'll figure it out.
GRIF:No she won't. In high school she got kicked off of the cheerleading squad three times for rooting for the wrong team.
SIMMONS:No, she can't stay. I know, we'll tell the Blues that we took her prisoner. Maybe we can get something outta this mess.
GRIF:No way, we can't send her over there, they'll kill her!
SIMMONS:Why would they kill her Grif, she's Blue. It's not like the Blue team goes around killing its own members.
GRIF:Oh, right, because she's a Blue. And if she's over there, then the only people that would be trying to kill her, would be us.
SIMMONS:Exactly.
GRIF:And that means she'd be safe. Because we're like the shittiest team ever.
SIMMONS:Well, I don't know about that. As our new leader, I have some pretty bold plans to-
GRIF:But you're not the leader. It was a misunderstanding. You're the guy who buried our leader.
SIMMONS:You helped! We're in this together.
GRIF:No, I made digging noises with my mouth. Remember?
SIMMONS:Oh God, get me a shovel! (runs off toward the base)
GRIF:Yeah, um... Okay, you're a Blue.
GRIF'S SISTER:Touchdown! Woohoo, go Blue!
GRIF:No, I mean we're Red, but you're Blue. That means you've gotta get outta here before Simmons digs up Sarge.
GRIF'S SISTER:I love digging, I want to help.
GRIF:No, you're leaving.
GRIF'S SISTER:Where're we going?
GRIF:The other base.
GRIF'S SISTER:The Red base?
GRIF:No, the Blue base.
GRIF'S SISTER:We have two bases? Awesome!
GRIF:Move!
Cut to Church and Caboose on top of a hill near Blue base as Tucker approaches
TUCKER:Hey have you guys seen Doc? I need him to babysit for a while.
CHURCH:Yeah I got him talkin' to Sheila. She's been actin' real wacky lately.
TUCKER:Oh yeah? You mean weirder than your average talking tank?
CHURCH:Don't be snarky.
TUCKER:Sorry dude, it's the hormones. I just had a baby!
CHURCH:Yeah, Sheila's been acting kinda distant and weird. Plus she's been saying these random threatening things. Kinda reminds me of somebody else.
TUCKER:So why is Doc talking to her?
CHURCH:What you didn't hear the "threatening" part I just said? I'm not goin' over there.
TUCKER:Why not send Caboose? Aren't they like, in love or something?
CHURCH:Dude, I've had all the cross-species babies that I can take for a while. The last thing I need is a junior Caboose runnin' around with a hundred and thirty millimeter cannon for a head. Your little devil-spawn is enough for me.
TUCKER:Don't talk about my kid like that.
CHURCH:What's your deal?
TUCKER:I don't know, I think I'm kinda getting in to this whole parenting thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day. Gruuhgh.
CHURCH:Of course you are. That's why you need a babysitter for a newborn. I'll be sure to nominate you for Dad of the Year.
TUCKER:Don't judge me.
CHURCH:Anyway, Doc's gonna figure out what's wrong with her and give her a little tune-up.
TUCKER:But Doc's not a mechanic, he's a doctor. 'n not a doctor, a medic. I guess he's not really a medic either 'cause he's never really helped anyone. He's just some, annoying guy that we know, with purple armour, who's annoying. Point is, Doc's not a mechanic.
CHURCH:I know. I figure Doc's mechanic skills are probably about as bad as his first aid skills. He's either gonna fix her by accident, or make her completely inoperable, and then I can go down there and figure out what's really goin' on. Either way, I win. Oh, he might also get blown up by her, that's also good.
Cut to Doc in front of Sheila
DOC:Yeah maybe Yoga lessons weren't such a guhood idea after all. Let's try some deep breathing. In through the air filter... out through the manifold... in through the air filter... out through the manifold.
Sheila aims at Doc's forehead
DOC:Uh, okay, why don't we try some aversion therapy. Think about something that makes you really angry, that isn't me.
SHEILA:Sure.
Cut to Church looking at Sheila through the sniper rifle as she aims directly at him
CHURCH:Uhhh, yeah... I don't feel as good about my plan as I used to.
GRIF:Hey Blues!
CHURCH:Aw crap, here we go. They must have figured out how fucked up our team is right now. Oh shit, they even brought their new guy t-
TUCKER:Girl.
CHURCH:What ever! Just play along. Act like our team is okay, and we have everything under control.
TUCKER:Please, I been puttin' on that act fer like three years now.
CHURCH:What do you want, Red?
GRIF:I got a prisoner for you!
CHURCH:What'd he say?
TUCKER:He says he has a prisoner for us.
CHURCH:Oh what, they're giving us prisoners now? Dude, that sounds like bullshit, I smell a trap.
TUCKER:Reds aren't that smart.
CHURCH:Okay normally I would agree with that. But this is the orange one, he's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.
TUCKER:Like you? Shit. Then do I have time to put in my ear plugs and hide all our food?
CHURCH:Up yours dickhead. Why would they wanna give us one o' their guys?
TUCKER:Why're you asking me?
CHURCH:Oh right. Why're you giving us one o' your guys as a prisoner?
GRIF:She's one o- your guys! She came to our side by mistake! What's their deal, why aren't they going for this? We have to hurry. I gotta get back before Simmons digs up Sarge.
CHURCH:I don't buy this. Whadda you want for her?
GRIF:Uhm, nothing. It w- it was an honest mistake, uh you can have her back now, no harm no foul. Well, look can we hurry this up?
CHURCH:Yeah, this is bullshit.
TUCKER:Ask for something else.
CHURCH:Uh, we want something else.
GRIF:What? I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from there!
TUCKER:Got any money?
GRIF:Fuck you dude! Get going, call me if you have any problems, and don't go near any Reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they can't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarass the family. Think of Mom.
GRIF'S SISTER:Don't do me any favours, bitch.
CHURCH:What else was on the ship?
GRIF:What do you mean!?
CHURCH:Yeah like guns, or weapons...
TUCKER:Or snacks! Dude I'm just asking 'cause I know you wanted to.
GRIF:Nope, just the girl. Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!
TUCKER:That's okay, we can still fuck this one!
GRIF'S SISTER:Woohoo!
GRIF:God dammit! Never mind, just send her back!
CHURCH:No takebacks!
GRIF:Ahw, what the fuck!?
Simmons approaches from the rear (heh) and joins Grif
SIMMONS:Oh my God Grif he's gone!
GRIF:Who's gone?
SIMMONS:Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there.
GRIF:What? Did you dig in the right spot?
SIMMONS:Oh, you're right, maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't fucking think of that!
GRIF:Oh calm down.
SIMMONS:Don't tell me to be calm, we're down two men now! Awh, at least we still have the Blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what're you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?
GRIF:Uhhh, nothing. So that uh, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.
SIMMONS:Hey, is that your sister over there with the Blues?
Grif starts backing away...
SIMMONS:What's she doing over there? ...Why're they all high-fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Whoa they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif, hey! Where'd he go?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 86: Brass Tacks

Fade in to Church talking with Sister
CHURCH:Well uh, welcome to Blue Team. I guess we should probably give you uh, some kind of orientation or somethin' like that. So this is the uh, this is the base here. This is the outside of the base. ...Inside's on the inside... go through that door, right there, get to the inside. Um, there's a ramp over here, there's another one on the other side. It's kinda smaller, does the same thing though. Uh, it's got a basement, ...nuhm, there's a middle part 'n' there's a top part... got some, you know blue flags here, on the outside, 's come in handy when you're, you know tryin' to identify the colour of the base, it's blue. Anyway, that uh pretty much covers the base, so... anyway, yeah, that's it.
SISTER:Cool.
CHURCH:I'm Church, I'm the leader. Everybody looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule for rookies on the Blue Team is: don't kill the leader. That's me.
SISTER:That's it?
CHURCH:That's it.
SISTER:Sounds easy.
CHURCH:Yeah well we're, still waiting for someone to follow that rule. So anyway, uh tell me about yourself. What's your training.
SISTER:Training?
CHURCH:Yeah. What've you been told so far.
SISTER:Oh right. That's the base, and you're the leader, and I shouldn't kill you. Ever. ...Did I pass?
CHURCH:No, I mean like what kind of military training do you have. Weapons?
SISTER:Uh, those sound violent.
CHURCH:Operations?
SISTER:I don't even know how that works.
CHURCH:Communications.
SISTER:Say what?
CHURCH:Huhhhh, intelligence?
SISTER:Uhhh, huh?
CHURCH:Hhh, great.
SISTER:Yeah, sorry, doesn't sound like I have any of the skills you need. Unless you wanna see my ping pong ball trick.
CHURCH:Yeah... wait, what?
Cut to Grif and Simmons running from right to left
GRIF:Slow down!
SIMMONS:There's no time, Sarge is gone! I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but there was no Sarge, and then finally I dug deep enough, and I found another hole.
GRIF:You dug a hole, and found a hole. Isn't that what a hole is?
SIMMONS:No no no, I mean a hole at the bottom. It opened in to some kind of, big cavern.
Grif stops running
GRIF:A cavern? A cavern like a cave? Like a cave with bats?
SIMMONS:I don't know, why, are you afraid of bats or something?
GRIF:Afraid of bats, no. Why would I be afraid of bats? And why would you even ask that question? Were there bats or something? That's kind of a weird thing to ask just for no reason.
SIMMONS:I didn't see any bats, okay?
GRIF:Did you hear any bats?
SIMMONS:No.
GRIF:Did you smell any bats.
SIMMONS:I don't know what bats smell like!
GRIF:And let's hope you never find out. Is it getting dark? We should get inside.
SIMMONS:It hasn't gotten dark here in three fucking years, asshole.
Cut back to Church and Sister, now joined by Tucker and his mutant baby
CHURCH:And this, is Tucker.
TUCKER:Sup.
SISTER:Hey.
CHURCH:Tucker's job is to do... what, I guess nothing.
TUCKER:I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on Blue Team, Rookie: be cool.
SISTER:I thought the only rule was "don't kill the leader."
TUCKER:Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool.
SISTER:Awesome, on the Red Team, we make that rule-
JUNIOR:Rawr, rawr rawr.
SISTER:Oh cool, you have a dog?
TUCKER:Uh, that's not a dog, that's my kid?
SISTER:Oh, cool, you have a kid that looks like a dog?
CHURCH:Nice save.
Cut briefly to Caboose exiting Blue Base toward the ramp
CHURCH:Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you. Hey Caboose, come here!
SISTER:I thought about having a kid once.
TUCKER:Oh really? It's a lot of work.
SISTER:Yeah, it seems like it would be hard. But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?
TUCKER:Heh, yeheah... wait, what?
CHURCH:Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you'd possibly need to know about Blue Base.
CABOOSE:Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?
CHURCH:Caboose, what did I tell you.
CABOOSE:That there are no regular girls.
CHURCH:Exactly. Alright, so just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, aaand just don't bother me. Or Tucker.
CABOOSE:What do I tell her?
SISTER:Well, I already know the rule.
CABOOSE:I hate that stupid rule.
TUCKER:Go show her Doc and Sheila.
Caboose turns to look back toward Blue Base, where Doc and Sheila are hanging out
CABOOSE:The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila.
CHURCH:You know, I was really wishing that would take longer. ...And further away.
SISTER:Who's the black one?
CHURCH:The black one?
SISTER:Yeah, the one in the black armour? The one standing right behind you guys.
CABOOSE:The black one, yeah. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Wait, what?


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 87: The Nesting Theory

Fade in to Grif and Simmons looking straight down
GRIF:Yep, that's a hole alright.
SIMMONS:That's what I told you!
GRIF:Huh. And Sarge's body is gone.
SIMMONS:Right. I think it fell through that hole in to the cavern.
GRIF:Maybe he just disappeared. Dead things do that when you bury 'em. That's part of the circle of life you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats, that would just be interfering with God's divine plan.
SIMMONS:Okay, A, Sarge wasn't dead; B, decomposing takes months, not minutes; C, his armour would still be here; and D, shut up, you're going down there. Now.
GRIF:Why? What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck, we'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you you suck.
SIMMONS:Shut up and get in the hole Grif!
GRIF:You suck Simmons. Hoho man, this new system's already workin' out great! We should have thought of this years ago.
SIMMONS:Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered. We already lost Donut and Sarge, now it's four on two. The Blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now. At any moment they're gonna come over that hill, guns blazing yelling "CHAAAARGE!"
Cut to the battleground that suddenly surrounds the Blues as Tex ruthlessly shoots at them
CHURCH:RETREAT!!!
TUCKER:Aaaaaaahhhh!
CABOOSE:Take bar take bar take bar take bar.
SISTER:Who is that?
TUCKER:That's Tex.
SISTER:Whoah, he's a badass.
CABOOSE:(hit) Ow.
SISTER:He's kinda hot.
The Blues take cover behind their base
TUCKER:Tex isn't a guy, she's a girl.
SISTER:Oh, sorry. She's a badass. She's kinda hot!
TUCKER:She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.
SISTER:Oh yeah? Why aren't you guys dating any more?
CHURCH:Are you seriously asking that question right now?
CABOOSE:Last time I was shot, I got a Purple Heart? Yeah uh I hope this time, I get a Purple Lung. You see eventually I, I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends.
TUCKER:Maybe you should ask for a Purple Brain.
CABOOSE:You're just jealous, 'cause you have no friends.
TUCKER:Why is she shooting at us?
CHURCH:How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?
TUCKER:Well, go out there and tell her to stop.
CHURCH:Yeah, I'll get right on that.
SISTER:Uh, aren't you like, the leader or something?
CHURCH:Uh- yes Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you, our Field Negotiator.
SISTER:Awesome!
CHURCH:Yes, congratulations we're all very proud of you. Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.
SISTER:Cool.
Sister stands up in to the line of fire
SISTER:Hey, Tex! Stop shooting you stupid bitch!
TUCKER:Nice negotiating.
CHURCH:She's not firing. I think that actually worked. Maybe she's outta ammo. Let me check.
Church stands up and is immediately shot in the head, leaving a standing ghost and ugly body behind
CHURCH:Nope, she still has ammo.
TUCKER:Nice recon work.
CHURCH:I'm gonna go get my body back.
TUCKER:Yeah, good idea.
Cut to the inside of the cavern, as Grif falls screaming to the ground and lands on the front of his face
SIMMONS:(landing gracefully behind him) Tada!
GRIF:(standing up) Ugh, you didn't have to push.
SIMMONS:Yeah I didn't have to, but it sure was fun. I got a cool screenshot from my visor of you flailing too. Guess who has a new desktop wallpaper... This guy!
Back to the Blues courageously behind their base
CHURCH:Hey Tucker, is my body on straight?
TUCKER:Dude I don't even know what that means.
TEX:Freeze! Nobody move.
TUCKER:We're already not moving. You could have just said "everyone keep doing what you're not doing."
TEX:Shut up!
TUCKER:Whatever.
CHURCH:Tex, what is your problem?
TEX:My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc any more. He's jumped in to somebody new, and I'm not trustin' anybody, until I find out who.
CHURCH:Yeah, we already know all that. We're on top of the situation.
TEX:You are? Then who did O'Malley jump in to?
CHURCH:Oh. Yeah I meant, I meant we were on top of everything right up until that point.
TEX:Typical.
SISTER:Who's O'Malley?
TUCKER:Eah, it's just some computer program that wants to destroy the Universe. He infects people around here from time to time, but neh, it's no big deal.
SISTER:Sounds scary.
TUCKER:Naw, it's all good baby, I'll protect you.
SISTER:Hyeah, that's what the last guy said, and now I can't stop scratchin'.
TUCKER:Okay, never mind.
CHURCH:None of us are infected Tex, but I am a little worried about the tank. She's been actin' really weird lately. Can an A.I. implant in a ... Tex?
TEX:Who's the girl?
CHURCH:What? Who Sister? Oh she's just a new recruit.
TEX:You mean to tell me I'm only gone a few weeks, and you guys get yourselves a new girl?
CHURCH:Oh. Um...
TUCKER:Whoa. Tread lightly dude, tread lightly.
CABOOSE:You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right, just, now.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 88: Spelunked

Fade in to Sarge in the cavern
SARGE:Yeaow, what in the... stupid Grif and Simmons. Can't even build a regulation grave! What did we run all those drills for? So, this is the afterlife, huh? Heh. Not too impressive if you ask me. This place is a wreck! Who's in charge here, anyway? Need to get me a couple o' Marine Angels, get this place spic 'n' span in no time. You know now that I think about it, I don't seem to remember much about underground caves in the Bible. Not even that new Bible they rewrote in twenty-forty, with that big chase scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller. That guy's a nut. Wait a minute afterlife!? Underground cave!? What if this isn't Heaven! What if it's... noh, it couldn't be. Could it?
DONUT:Oh hey Sarge. What're you doin' down here?
SARGE:It is! Oh, it is.
Cut to Caboose, Tucker and Church watching Tex and Sister from afar
CHURCH:Oh man, this is not gonna work out well for us.
TUCKER:Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team. You know what that means.
CABOOSE:Yeah. Co-ed softball team! I'm gonna go get my baseball racquet.
CHURCH:Tucker, I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna happen.
TUCKER:Oh why not.
CHURCH:Because girls can't share anything. Not even an apartment. Every time girls live together, within six months, they all hate each other, and somebody gets stuck with a twelve hundred dollar phone bill. That's fact.
TUCKER:Ah, let them fight. As long as we get to watch them making up who cares? We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds.
Back to the cavern
SARGE:Ngooooo. Moooan.
DONUT:It's been crazy down here Sarge.
SARGE:Noooo.
DONUT:You wouldn't believe all the stuff I found.
SARGE:Sorrowful sounds. Pleas for forgiveness.
DONUT:Sarge, keep it down.
SARGE:I have sinned.
DONUT:We don't want them to hear you.
SARGE:Donut. Don't interrupt my repentful moaning. If I want God to forgive me, I need to be as miserable as possible. He loves that stuff.
DONUT:This isn't Hell, Sarge! And you're not dead.
SARGE:Repent! Repent!
DONUT:Come on Sarge, be quiet. I've been exploring down here and I've found some really crazy stuff. Look!
SARGE:Why that fort looks like a Blue Base. And just when I thought Hell couldn't get any worse.
DONUT:Yeah, but look at that.
SARGE:What in the Hell is that thing?
DONUT:I don't know, but it sure looks a lot like the motorcycle I found in the cave upstairs.
SARGE:Donut why didn't you report this?
DONUT:I couldn't! My radio broke when I fell.
Queue radio sounds
SIMMONS:Come in Sarge, are you there?
SARGE:Hello, is that you Simmons?
DONUT:No, I'm Dooonut. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?
SARGE:Shut up, Donut.
DONUT:Uh, okay?
SIMMONS:Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay.
SARGE:Fine. What's your location?
DONUT:I'm standing right here, next to you!
SARGE:Shut up!
SIMMONS:We're looking for you right now, this place is huge! Grif is with me and we're up on top of some kind of peninsular outcropping.
SARGE:Euh, you're on top o' Grif's what?
DONUT:Grif isn't anywhere around here.
SARGE:Donut, I told you to be quiet!
DONUT:Well stop asking me stuff then.
SIMMONS:No, we're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you.
SARGE:Roger that, I've got Donut. You sit tight and we'll find you.
SIMMONS:Roger that. Simmons out.
GRIF:Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?
SARGE:I just talked to Simmons on the radio.
DONUT:Ooohohoh, the radio.
SARGE:I told him to hold still, we'll come to them.
DONUT:Sarge, I don't think you realize just how big this place is. There's no landmarks or anything, just one rock after another that all look the same. Finding them will be like finding a needle in a haystack.
SARGE:He said they were standing on some kind of a, penis nu-
DONUT:Oh! I know where that is. Let's go.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 89: The Haystack

Fade in to Grif and Simmons in the underground lair, muahahaha... sorry
GRIF:I heard something that time.
SIMMONS:You didn't hear anything.
GRIF:There, did you hear that?
SIMMONS:Yes, I heard water dripping.
GRIF:Sounds like bats!
SIMMONS:Bats, aren't made of liquid. Bats don't drip.
GRIF:Bat-water!
SIMMONS:There are no bats!
GRIF:You don't know, what if you're wrong?
SIMMONS:Okay, idiot, let's assume I'm wrong. Let's assume there are bats. So what? You're wearing state of the art, biomechanical body-armour. It's designed to deflect bullets, and absorb explosions. What can a five ounce flying rodent possibly do?
GRIF:...So basically you're saying that you think there's bats.
SIMMONS:Sure, why not.
GRIF:I'm getting the fuck outta here.
SIMMONS:No you're not Grif, we're standing right here. I told Sarge we wouldn't move, and we're not moving.
GRIF:At least let's go stand by the light.
SIMMONS:No, that would be moving, and thus would violate our strict "no moving" policy.
GRIF:But the light-
SIMMONS:No.
GRIF:-would help us see the bats!
SIMMONS:NO.
GRIF:And their fangs!
SIMMONS:NO!
GRIF:Hey, you know what else might be in the cave, Simmons? Snakes.
SIMMONS:You're an asshole Grif, why would you bring up snakes?
GRIF:I'm just saying. I know you don't like Snakes, and snakes do live in caves, and we are in a cave, and snakes like to crawl right up next to people in caves, and then they-
SIMMONS:Alright, screw it, I'm gonna go stand by the light.
Cut to Blue Base, then to Doc approaching
DOC:Okay, I talked to Sheila, you guys were right: she definitely seems a little odd.
CHURCH:Yup, so whaddaya think?
DOC:I, think she seems like there's something wrong.
CHURCH:That's your diagnosis? That's why we sent you down there, man. Because we knew something was wrong.
DOC:I'm a medic, what do you want from me?
CHURCH:How about fixing her?
DOC:Well surprisingly my medical training didn't cover internal combustion.
CHURCH:What a shitty medical school.
TUCKER:Yeah where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?
DOC:Oh please, I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus. I went to Jamaica State! Who's Jamaica State's Fighting Irish.
CHURCH:That's Notre Dame.
DOC:Well since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent U.S. copyright laws. So-
CHURCH:Never mind. Just go back down there, and see if you can reboot Sheila.
DOC:Reboot her?
TUCKER:Yeah dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and then you turn her back on again. She'll be fine.
DOC:I don't think that'll work.
CHURCH:Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter...
TUCKER:Yeah, I still don't know if that thing has all the bugs worked out.
CHURCH:We even rebooted Caboose's armour once. Although, that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would.
CABOOSE:It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there was no side-effects.
DOC:No, I mean I don't think it'll work because I'm not going back down there. She's not exactly in the best of moods.
As if on cue, Sheila fires a shell up in the general direction of the gathering
DOC:See?
CHURCH:Yeah, we need to get someone sneaky down there who can turn her off.
DOC:How 'bout Tucker?
TUCKER:Who me? No way! I'm a lover, not a sneaker.
DOC:Oh, that's your response to everything.
TUCKER:What can I tell you? I'm a lover, not a thinker. ...How 'bout Tex?
CHURCH:Yeah we couldn't afford it. If only we knew someone that Sheila trusted. And it would have to be someone kinda dumb, so that we could fool them in to betraying that trust, for our purposes...
Church and Tucker both look back at Caboose
CABOOSE:Hey... everyone is looking at me. ...I love when they do that- Hi everybody!
Cut back to the vast underground lair, and two bodies lying motionless on the ground
DONUT:See? And these are the two bodies I was telling you about. At first I thought they were sleeping, but then I realised they were dead.
SARGE:Blues never sleep, they're too busy plotting to destroy our way of life! That's how you can always spot a Blue, Donut. They're always the ones conniving and scheming. Sometimes they do both! I call that "scheniving."
DONUT:And you know what else? You can also tell they're blue because their blue armour.
SARGE:Yeah that too. You know at first I thought this cave was pretty dismal, but it's amazing how a couple o' Blue corpses can really spruce up the place, make it feel like home.
DONUT:Yeah, we could hang a couple o' drapes, get some wicker chairs, oh, this place will be fantastic.
The camera angle changes to what you may see if some shifty guy were looking at them from behind a rock, which Sarge turns toward, and then the camera ducks behind the rock entirely
DONUT:Everything okay Sarge?
SARGE:What? Oh yeah. It's just that I can't shake this feeling. The feeling that we're beinnnggg watched- ha, got ya! D'aw, son of a-
DONUT:Um, that was pretty dramatic.
SARGE:Yeah, it usually works better if someone is standing there when I do that. ...Kind of like now- dammit. I'm normally not wrong about this kind of thing, hello- durka dur.
DONUT:Oh, do you have a good sixth sense?
SARGE:No, stupid, motion-activated proximity radar. It's standard issue. I guess I need to get mine calibrated. Hey, what the heck is that thing?
Cut to Simmons and Grif once more... crap, got enough scenes in there today Burns?
SIMMONS:Sarge should be able to see us here, right?
GRIF:Yeah, who cares. Hey Simmons I was thinking, if we're in a cave, why are there lights down here?
SIMMONS:That's a pretty good point... Grif...
GRIF:What the- are you okay?
Simmons has been shot with a glowing purple dart of some kind
SIMMONS:Yeah, why do you ask?
GRIF:Huh, you got a pink thing on you.
SIMMONS:Wha? Like a snake? Damn it all...
Simmons collapses
GRIF:Simmons? Simmons? ...Huh?
Grif gets shot with a dart in the neck
GRIF:Ow.
Nine more to various parts of his body
GRIF:OW!
One more to his crotch for good measure
GRIF:Oh wow hey look, bad people. Please don't eat me bad people.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 90: Terms and Provisions

Fade in to Church, Tucker, Caboose and Doc looking down on Sheila on one side, and Tex and Sister on the other
CHURCH:Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to reboot Sheila. Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favours for this one.
TUCKER:What favours could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?
CHURCH:She didn't dump me Tucker, it was mutual.
TUCKER:Mutual in what way, mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?
CHURCH:Yeah, that way. Come on Caboose, let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck.
TUCKER:Yeah right. Hey whey she kills you I'm gonna sell your armour to that pink guy on the Red team. I hear he's in the market.
DOC:Hey who's the yellow soldier?
TUCKER:That's just Sister, she's new.
DOC:No-one told me about a new arrival. I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty.
TUCKER:Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F.I.N.E. ...That spells fine.
DOC:Thanks. But I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-
TUCKER:I'm a doctor - a doctor of love. PhD. Certified Loooveology, General Harasstitioner. Sexicologist.
DOC:First of all, love is not an officially recognised medical specialty. And also, PhDs? Heh, not really doctors!
TUCKER:Dude you're a dork.
SISTER:Hey!
TUCKER:What's up Sis, what'd you and Tex talk about?
SISTER:Oh, she was just talking about everyone here. How you're all idiots and jerks, and you guys are her idiots and jerks, and if I try to become more popular than her she would talk about me behind my back, and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry, and everyone would hate me... you know, girl stuff!
TUCKER:Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff? This is Doc.
SISTER:Hi.
DOC:Uh, hello, nice to meet you I'm the medic, eh if it's alright with you, I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come to Base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?
SISTER:Sure, lead the way. Seeya Tucker.
TUCKER:...What the fuck just happened?
Cut to Donut standing over Simmons' lifeless-looking body
DONUT:Sarge, I found Simmons; he's over here, sleepin' on the job.
SIMMONS:Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged.
DONUT:Sorry Sarge, he's not sleeping; he's doing drugs.
SIMMONS:Hh, shut up Donut, I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked. Oh they must have used some kind of tranquilizer on me and ...Grif? Hey where's Grif?
DONUT:Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more drugs.
SIMMONS:They must have taken him.
SARGE:Who would take Grif? Garbage collectors?
SIMMONS:The people who ambushed us. We have to find him. Luckily I implanted a tracking chip in his armour. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock on to his signal in just a few seconds.
SARGE:A few seconds? That sounds entirely hopeless. Well, Grif, we'll miss ya. You were a good soldier. Using the broadest possible definition of "good." And "soldier."
SIMMONS:I've got his signal.
SARGE:He's probably a million miles away by now!
SIMMONS:Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.
SARGE:But who knows what direction!?
SIMMONS:That direction.
SARGE:Exactly. We did our best Simmons, now let's head back to Base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?
SIMMONS:I don't see it anywhere. I guess they took it when they took Grif.
SARGE:Eugh, what direction did you say?
SIMMONS:That way, Sir.
SARGE:Come on, let's go.
Cut to Sheila approaching over a hill toward three Blues
CHURCH:So Caboose is gonna be up front talking to her, and then while he's got her distracted, you sneak around the back, access the panel, and shut her down.
TEX:Okay, I'll do it.
CHURCH:Uh- wha- that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?
TEX:No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands it should be you.
CHURCH:Oh well in that case we wan-
TEX:Forget it, deal's done.
CHURCH:Dammit.
CABOOSE:Hum, how should I distract Sheila?
CHURCH:Just talk to her, keep her attention, that's it.
CABOOSE:I don't know, uh... we kinda have a history? Ea, she may not want to talk to me.
CHURCH:So? Tex and I have a history, doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation.
TEX:I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.
CHURCH:Hoh, get off my back woman, can't you see I'm working here?
TEX:Please, you call this working?
CABOOSE:See, e- this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila. Only with more getting shot by tanks.
CHURCH:Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow. Just smooth-talk her.
CABOOSE:I don't know how to do that.
CHURCH:Just tell her she's pretty, or that she's got that new-tank smell or something. Compliment her treads, it doesn't matter.
CABOOSE:I don't know...
CHURCH:It's easy. Look here, just practice on Tex, she's -womanish.
TEX:Pardon me?
CHURCH:Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you wanna try this on your own?
As if on cue, a shell from Sheila explodes behind Tex
TEX:I see your point.
CHURCH:Go ahead.
Tucker approaches behind Caboose and Church
CABOOSE:Hello Tex.
TUCKER:Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off.
CHURCH:Shut up Tucker, don't interrupt.
TUCKER:Interrupt what?
CABOOSE:Tex, I think you are pretty, and you haven't hurt my body in a long time? So I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands, and you would go with me? And when you went with me, you would be my real girlfriend.
TEX:I think that would be, nice, Caboose. We should, definitely, do that.
TUCKER:What the hell? Tex have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody get with me, the love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world.
TEX:...
CHURCH:Hey, don't look at me, he's not part of the plan.
Tex punches Tucker out
TUCKER:Ow! What is going on around here!?
CABOOSE:I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 91: Missed Direction

Fade in to Tucker wandering around outside the Blue Base
TUCKER:Junior... Junior! Hey Junior, where'd you go?
JUNIOR:Hooonk.
TUCKER:There you are.
Junior is inside the base. Sorry about that, I forgot you weren't watching along
JUNIOR:Hnnnk!
TUCKER:You little rascal.
JUNIOR:Hnk!
DOC:(from around the corner) Okay Sister, any other conditions I should know about?
SISTER:Uhm, let's see, you know about all the ways I'm contagious, so I don't know if there's anything...
Tucker walks toward the voices and sees Sister's armor lying on the ground without her in it
TUCKER:Hey, what's going on here?
SISTER:Oh! I'm colorblind.
DOC:Really? That's weird. But I don't think it'll cause any problems here. Okay, go ahead and bend over.
SISTER:Sure. Like this?
DOC:Hwhoa, yeah! You're really limber. And in really great shape.
SISTER:Hyeah I am.
DOC:I'm not playing against you in Twister.
SISTER:Check this out.
DOC:Wowzers. I didn't even know a leg could bend that far. That is a leg, right? Okay. Oh and by the way, sorry if my hands are cold.
SISTER:That's cool. Sorry my body's a little hot.
TUCKER:Hey do you guys need any help in there?
SISTER:Huh? Is someone spying on us? Yessss. Hot.
DOC:No, we're good. Hey, Sister? Do you want me to turn up the heat or something? You look like you're...
SISTER:Eh. I'll be okay. Hard nipples won't kill you.
TUCKER:I could just walk around this corner if you need me to. It wouldn't be a problem.
DOC:We got it! Hey sorry I got you all wet before. I don't even know how that bucket of baby oil got up on that shelf. That was wheird.
SISTER:That's okay, I think it'll actually help. Squeezing these puppies in to the armor can be a little difficult.
TUCKER:Maybe I should just look in there and see if there's anything I can do.
DOC:No thanks Tucker, maybe they need your help with the tank instead. You'd probably be a lot more valuable out there. What we're doing in here is pretty routine- hey, are you double-jointed?
SISTER:Hyeah.
TUCKER:Great.
JUNIOR:Hnnk!
TUCKER:Don't rub it in.
JUNIOR:Blarg?
Cut to Sarge, Simmons and Donut roaming the vast underground cave
SIMMONS:Come on, Grif should be right over here.
DONUT:Don't listen to him Sarge, he's just tryin' to score more drugs to keep his habit alive! Remember last month when he asked for more money? It was for drugs!
SARGE:That was part of a budgetary meeting, Donut! He needed more funds for vehicle maintenance.
DONUT:Enabler!
SIMMONS:I see something.
SARGE:Ah! There's my shotgun! Mission accomplished, excellent work men!
Sarge picks up his trusty, rusty, somewhat dusty shotgun
SARGE:Let's hang up a banner.
DONUT:There's Grif.
SARGE:Oh right, and Grif. Excellent- somethinerother, you... peopl- why do I even bother.
GRIF:(moans) What happened? What'd you do to me?
SIMMONS:We got knocked the fuck out, and the people who did it must have taken you.
GRIF:Oh, right. Uh, they kept askin' me questions. They wanted information.
SARGE:Information- what did they-
SIMMONS:Whoa whoa whoa they wanted information and they took you? Why wouldn't they take me?
SARGE:What did they look like?
SIMMONS:Sarge, please! I was right there next to you. If they needed information, why would they take you instead of me?
GRIF:What're you, jealous? Jesus.
SIMMONS:No, I just think if you're gonna drug and torture people, you don't need to insult their intelligence too. That's just mean.
GRIF:Yeah, you're jealous.
SARGE:Besides, takin' all the fun outta interrogating.
Cut to Sheila, with Church and Caboose looking on from behind a grassy knoll
CABOOSE:I don't know what to say.
CHURCH:Don't be nervous, just go out there, hold her attention, and don't say anything stupid. No wait- be natural. Say stupid stuff. Go!
Caboose crab-walks up to Sheila and Church stays put
CABOOSE:Hello, Sheila. How are you doing?
SHEILA:Oh, hello Caboose. Actually, I'm not functioning at my optimal capacity. My internal diagnostics indicate I am having mechanical issues. How are you?
CABOOSE:...Um...
CHURCH:Caboose! Say good.
CABOOSE:What? Oh, good! Ubub- pretty good. Really good. I am great. I am absolutely perfect.
CHURCH:That's too good.
CABOOSE:Now I am depressed. I am- doing- bad. I... I don't know if I can go on.
SHEILA:You seem, distracted Caboose.
CABOOSE:Uh, I am not distracted, I'm not distracted, I am distracting, see, that's different 'cause I'm doing it to you!
SHEILA:What?
CHURCH:What?
CABOOSE:I mean I'm very distractable! Aheah, with a high degree of distract-ivity...ness. (clears his throat)
CHURCH:Change the subject!
CABOOSE:Okay! Sheila, have you seen Tex?
CHURCH:What? I mean- What?
SHEILA:What?
CABOOSE:Sheila do you know what my favourite thing to do is? Not look behind myself. You should try not doing that.
SHEILA:...
CABOOSE:Do you like to collect stamps?
CHURCH:Hey Caboose? I think it's wrong for us both to die because you're an idiot, so I'm gonna take off now, okay I'll see ya bye.
CABOOSE:Please don't go.
SHEILA:I am not leaving.
CABOOSE:Oh good. Good... Stay.
SHEILA:You are acting strangely. And I would like to find out why.
CABOOSE:Oh. Okay. Um-
SHEILA:Caboose, the Omega A.I. has been missing, and everyone has been attempting to find him. If you continue to act eratically, they may mistakenly think he is inside of you, and take drastic measures against you.
CABOOSE:Oh. I wouldn't want them to do that.
SHEILA:Exactly. Luckily, I know where Omega is.
CABOOSE:You do? Where?
SHEILA:He is inside Bluuuuuuoooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrr....
TEX:Got it!
CABOOSE:Who is Blurrr? ...Blerrrr.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 92: Where Credit Is Due

Fade in to the Blues
CHURCH:You want us to turn her back on again. After we just went through all that trouble to shut her down.
CABOOSE:But she said she knows where O'Malley is.
CHURCH:Maybe she was lying. How could she possibly know that? What do you think Tex, can we turn her back on again? Disable her guns or somethin'?
TEX:Not a chance, she's a wreck back here. I'm not even sure how she was operational anyway.
CABOOSE:Oh, I know, uh, we could put her inside my head! Like O'Malley. I've got lots of extra room in there.
CHURCH:Yeah, I bet, and, no. She's not that kind of A.I.
TEX:She could only be moved over, if we had a similar class of vehicle.
CHURCH:Yeah, if only we had some other kind of big vehicle that we could move her in to. We can't use the warthog 'cause that doesn't have anything... Wait a minute. Tex... the ship? Could we move her in to one of those on-board computers?
TEX:If we set up a hardline, yeah, I bet we could do it.
Tucker comes running out of the base
TUCKER:Church, wait!
CHURCH:Huh?
TUCKER:Church hold on a second I've got something to tell you!
CHURCH:Tucker what, what is it?
TUCKER:I just wanted to say, I got a hardline Tex can use. Bow chicka bow wow.
TEX:How did you even hear that?
TUCKER:Phh I'm like Superman, I know when I'm needed.
Cut to the Reds in the deep dark dank dingy cave, with Grif shaking off the effects of having been forcibly unconscious
SARGE:Shake it off you big orange baby, what happened to you?
DONUT:He's been chasing the dragon.
SIMMONS:Donut, shut up, he was drugged just like me.
DONUT:That's what I'm saying! He fell off the wagon, and shook hands with the Devil!
SIMMONS:Shut up!
DONUT:He's been ridin' the wave, and trippin' the technicolor dreamscape. Far out, man. Druggie loser.
SIMMONS:Will, you, stop, Donut. All you're doing with your stupid anti-drug lingo, is making me actually want to try drugs.
DONUT:Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.
SIMMONS:Yeah, that sounds like fun.
SARGE:Who knocked you out, Grif? Was it those dirty Blues?
GRIF:No, some kind of bat-person.
SARGE:Bat-person!?
SIMMONS:Sarge, I'm not sure Grif knows what he's talkin' about.
SARGE:Grif doesn't know what he's talkin' about, eh? Stop the fuckin' presses.
SIMMONS:No. I mean specifically right now. Whatever chemical they used to knock us out may be affecting his perception or his memory.
DONUT:And it could cause undue stress to his family, and seriously impair his ability to operate a me-
SIMMONS:SHUT UP DONUT!
GRIF:I wasn't hallucinating. There was some kinda crazy bat thing, and another guy, and they were talkin' about a kid. And a sword. Some kinda deal they made.
DONUT:Hokay wait, is this a joke? This is a prank on me, right? You guys found my Harry Potter fan fiction.
GRIF:This has nothing to do with you, Donut.
DONUT:Hokay, right, sure. Well if the bat person turns out to be a sailor, and the guy turns out to be a bartender, and the sword turns out- well, let's just say this all sounds a little too familiar.
GRIF:I'm telling the truth! This really happened.
SARGE:Sure, we believe you buddy! Note to Simmons, Grif has gone mad. Need to kill him ASAP.
GRIF:I'm not crazy!
SARGE:Second note to Simmons, Grif has developed super hearing. Possibly acquired from the bat people! Post-note: original plan still applies.
GRIF:Wait a second- I can prove I'm not crazy, 'cause of the bomb, the bomb!
SIMMONS:Yeah, that's a good way to prove you aren't insane. Just start screaming "the bomb, the bomb."
GRIF:The bomb was there! That's how I could understand what was being said. They needed him to translate.
SARGE:The bomb? You mean that loud-mouth guy?
GRIF:Yeah, the enormous ball that's always ready to explode.
DONUT:Hokay seriously, there's coincidence, and then there's outright plagiarism. I'm gonna have to sue somebody.
Cut back to Church and Tex standing over Sheila and the ship, with a big floppy wire (hardline my ass) going between them
TEX:She's all set. Transfer should take a while.
CHURCH:Um, are we sure we wanna put her in this ship?
TEX:Mm, it's still flyable, but I'm gonna remove the ignition coil just to be sure. If O'Malley is in her somewhere, they aren't goin' anywhere without it.
CHURCH:You want me to hold it?
TEX:Are you kidding?
CHURCH:Well, thought it was worth a try.
TEX:Hey Caboose? How's it goin' in there?
Caboose is revealed inside the ship
CABOOSE:Looks good. Although I have to tell you the ship looks a lot bigger on the inside than the outside.
TEX:How's the readout?
CABOOSE:Well, all the red lights are red, and all the blue lights are blue.
TEX:What about the green lights?
CABOOSE:Those are black.
TEX:When the green lights turn green, and the red lights turn black, I want you to get a hold of me right away.
CABOOSE:Uh okay. Uh, what about the blue lights?
TEX:The blue lights don't matter.
CABOOSE:Then why do they-
TEX:Okay, okay thanks Caboose, good job!
CABOOSE:Oh, okay.
Cut to Grif lying face-down next to Andy
ANDY:Hey Grif, just tell 'em where the kid with the sword is, and you can go.
GRIF:Wha? A-Andy is that you? Why are you helping monster people?
ANDY:Hey, gotta make a livin'.
GREEN ALIEN:Hnk. Hnk? Wnkwnk. Wrear.
ANDY:He says someone's comin'. Eh we gotta go!
The Green Alien and another alien run off, presumably carrying Andy
ANDY:Seeya Grif! By the way, you look like shit! Zing!
GRIF:Uoh, okay, bye. Ha'm gonna, to go to sleeping again...
Fade to present time
GRIF:And he was translating between the two of them, too. So if we find Andy, he can tell us exactly what's going on.
SARGE:Sounds like we've stumbled across something totally diabolical! Good work uncovering the plot, Simmons.
SIMMONS:Thank you Sir.
GRIF:Simmons!? I just told you everything!
SARGE:But Simmons was the one that led us to you after he stealthily avoided capture.
GRIF:Avoided capture!? They knocked him out first and picked me at random!
SARGE:Yes. A randomness that Simmons used to save the day!
GRIF:He had nothing to do with that!
SARGE:But it was Simmons that found the underground cave.
GRIF:By trying to bury you alive.
SARGE:A tactic that was clearly multi-layered. Once again Simmons' treasonous insurrection, proves to be the glue that holds this unit together.
SIMMONS:Just wait 'til you hear about my upcoming assassination attempt.
SARGE:Oh, don't spoil it.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 93: Biting The Hand

Fade in to Church
CHURCH:You can't just show up here and start bossing people around, Tex. Bossing people around is my job. I put in the time.
TEX:I had to leave, I found Wyoming.
CHURCH:Yeah, Tucker told me, what happened?
TEX:I though I tracked him back to O'Malley. But, by the time York and I got there-
CHURCH:York- your old freelancer buddy? Was Carolina with him?
TEX:She was already dead.
CABOOSE:And what about Bermuda?
CHURCH:That's not a State, dumbass.
CABOOSE:Portland?
CHURCH:Shut up!
TEX:But he still had Delta.
CHURCH:Delta; the A.I.? How? I thought they took them- wait a minute wait a minute, how was he even still alive? Aren't we hundreds of years in the future?
TEX:I thought it was because of his armor. You know all the freelancer suits had some kind of enhancement.
CHURCH:Right, like your invisibility.
CABOOSE:And, horrible meanness.
CHURCH:Hno dude, that's all natural.
TEX:York's was some kind of healing mechanism. It would help him recover from wounds in battle. I thought it might have kept him alive all these years. But after I found Wyoming, I knocked him out and downloaded logs from his helmet. There's somethin' going on Church, with a lot of people working against us.
CHURCH:Well what did Wyoming say when he woke up?
TEX:He didn't, before I could interrogate him, he teloported away. One second he was there, and the next he was gone.
CABOOSE:What about the second after that?
TEX:Can I kill him?
CHURCH:No, I'm saving him in case we ever need him for food. So, Wyoming's armor lets him teleport?
TEX:I don't think so. I think someone grabbed him from somewhere else.
CHURCH:How is that possible? The only technology I know that could do that is- ...Wait a minute. Each freelancer had an enhanced suit of armor and an A.I., right?
TEX:Right.
CABOOSE:Right.
CHURCH:Your armor was invisibility, and your A.I. was Omega.
TEX:Right.
CABOOSE:Wrong. Oops, missed that one, can we go back?
CHURCH:What was Wyoming's A.I.?
TEX:Gamma.
CHURCH:Huughh. I gotta make a phone call.
Cut to O'Malley's old base, with the sound of a phone ringing
GARY:hello.
CHURCH:Hello, this is Church Gary. Or should I call you Gamma. Have you been lying to us?
GARY:lying is such a shisno concept. i mean human concept
CHURCH:You're a computer, I thought computers can't lie.
GARY:they can if they are programmed to lie.
CHURCH:Were you programmed to lie?
GARY:... no...
CHURCH:God dammit.
GARY:i have to go, church.
CHURCH:Wait a minute, what about the Aliens, how do we-
GARY:goodbye.
WYOMING:Hmm, do they know?
GARY:there is nothing to worry about. we are close to the end. we will not be stopped now.
WYOMING:We should keep going, hop in.
Back to Church, with his radio making those o-so-familiar connection sounds
VIC:Hello, ringading, Blue Base, come in, let's go hello, come in.
CHURCH:Hello? Vic, is that you?
VIC:Hey dude, how's it goin', been a while since we spoke.
CHURCH:Why're you calling me?
VIC:Everything been goin' good yeah that's great listen don't have much time to talk, uh been discussing things here at Blue Command, we think everything isss bad, and now is the time to go attack the Red Base. Turns out the Reds are up to no good, and somebody needs to kill 'em. A good way to do that might be to send some people through the caves, yeah, take 'em by surprise, anyway, can't talk, gotta go, seeya la vista.
CHURCH:Waitasecond waitasecond wait- Why do people keep hanging up on me!?
Cut to the Reds entering a structure via a bridge, in their vast underground lair, and coming across a viewscreen switching between shots of the Canyon
SARGE:Huh, what's all this business?
SIMMONS:It looks like a bunch of computer equipment, Sir.
SARGE:Excellent analysis, Simmons.
DONUT:And it's attached to some kinda T.V. thing.
SARGE:So it is. Astute deduction, Donut.
GRIF:It shows all different parts of the canyon. Look, there's our base!
SARGE:Ah yes, another incredible observation from the stating the obvious department. Thanks for nothing, numbnuts.
GRIF:Huhhhhhh.
SARGE:Simmons, Donut- you two stay here. Grif's gonna continue to help look for Andy.
GRIF:Fine. (wandering off) Huhh, I hate my job.
DONUT:Look, there's my room! And the locker room! And there's the showers! Mahan, so many good memories.
SIMMONS:I hope this thing isn't connected to the internet.
SARGE:Euh, the Blues must've set this up. Crafty devils. Spying on us all along. ...What's all that?
SIMMONS:That looks like Blue Base.
SARGE:Why would the Blues spy on themselves?
SIMMONS:Maybe the Blues didn't set this up. Someone else might've.
SARGE:Or maybe the Blues are so incredibly arrogant, they just wanna see themselves on T.V. Boy I bet they have those stupid liberal equal time laws. Commie Blue bastards.
SIMMONS:What if all this technology is just left over from an ancient civilization that was way more advanced than us.
DONUT:Wait a minute, how could an ancient civilization be more advanced? If they were so advanced, where did they go?
SIMMONS:They could have mysteriously disappeared, only leaving behind a legacy of enigmatic technology.
DONUT:... ... That's gay.
SIMMONS:Oh let's finish this fight later.
SARGE:Look, what's that?
SIMMONS:Hhh! That looks like Sister's armor.
DONUT:Oh no, what happened to her?
SARGE:Clearly she's been disintigrated.
SIMMONS:Why would they do that? Oh, we can't tell Grif. He's gonna be devastated.
GRIF:Tell me what.
SARGE:Tell you that your sister's been vaporized by the Blues.
GRIF:What!?
SIMMONS:Sarge!?
SARGE:Heh heh, it's just like rippin' off a band-aid. Quick and incredibly painful.
SIMMONS:We just talked about this, I thought we agreed not to tell him.
GRIF:What?
DONUT:You really need to start thinking about other people's feelings, Sarge.
SARGE:Son, the only thing I need to do is stay red and die.
GRIF:What?
SIMMONS:I'm really sorry Grif. She's dead.
GRIF:How could this have happened? Oh man, that was my little sister. I mean, I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I still loved her.
SIMMONS:This has to be hard Grif. I, don't know what to say.
GRIF:I-I just, I had no idea the last time I saw her was gonna be the last time ever. I'd give anything to see her again and just to talk to her one last time, and I'm never gonna get that chance. It's the most empty feeling in the whole world.
DONUT:Oh hey, look! She's not dead, she's just naked!
GRIF:What! That little slut, I'm gonna kill her!
SIMMONS:Take a screenshot, take a screenshot!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 94: Tucker Knows Best

Fade in to where the Reds are
GRIF:PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! What's the one thing I told you, don't embarass the family!
SIMMONS:I don't think she's embarassing -whoa, why is she doing splits?
SARGE:Huh, is this that Facebook thing I keep hearing about?
SIMMONS:Does this thing take dollar bills?
GRIF:Come on, that's my sister! And you're looking at her naked!
SIMMONS:So? She's not our sister.
GRIF:Stop, looking at her!
SIMMONS:Why does Donut get to look?
DONUT:Hey, why does the Blue base get so much more natural light than ours? It gives the interior a much more airy and open feeling.
GRIF:That's why Donut gets to look.
SARGE:Ohhh, look, she's puttin' her armor back on. Uh, I mean, oh look, she is putting her armor back on. Good work Soldier!
GRIF:Don't partonize me.
SIMMONS:It looks like the Blues are having some kind of meeting.
SARGE:What? I knew it. They're coming to attack our base. Dirty backstabbers.
DONUT:I thought the Blues were supposed to attack us?
SARGE:Dirty frontstabbers! Simmons, what're they saying?
SIMMONS:I have no idea. I can't find the volume on this monitor. And without any sound it just looks like a bunch of helmets bobbing up and down.
SARGE:Is that how they talk? They look ridiculous.
Cut to the Blues all gathered on top of Blue Base
CHURCH:Alright, Vic called and said we should attack the Red base right away. I don't know why but, I guess we're gonna do it.
TUCKER:Attack? Shouldn't we call soldiers or the military for something like that?
CHURCH:And for some reason he thinks it's a good idea for some of us to go through the caves.
TEX:Why?
CHURCH:I don't know f, who cares? So, me and Tex and Tucker are gonna go right up the middle.
TUCKER:What about my kid he can't go in to battle!
CHURCH:Doc, Sister and Junior, you guys go get lost in the caves.
TUCKER:Oh.
CHURCH:We'll find you after the battle's over. Unless we die, in which case we won't find you, and you're gonna have to find us. And if that happens I want to be buried as far away as possible from these two.
TUCKER:Yeah, and I wanna be stuffed and put on a couch with a cooler full o' beer, a bag full of cheese puffs, non-stop reruns of Baywatch and- ah, you know what, it's all in my will.
CABOOSE:What about me? Can I get lost too?
TEX:No Caboose, I need you to stay here and watch Sheila.
CHURCH:Yeah, if the transfer gets interrupted we might lose her altogether.
CABOOSE:Oh that would be bad.
CHURCH:Right, otherwise how would you accidentally kill people?
CABOOSE:Hmm, well I suppose I could always-
CHURCH:Shut up that was retorrical, Tucker come on, let's get going.
DOC:When should wego?
CHURCH:Dhe-a- I don't care. Just be ready to come running with the cavalry if we start screaming in pain. Unless Tucker starts screaming in pain, in which case, you know, feel free to point and laugh.
TUCKER:Well little dude, I guess there's a time when every little boy becomes a man.
DOC:Tucker he's only three days old.
TUCKER:Yeah, they grow up so fast.
CHURCH:Also he's not a boy, he's a grub.
TUCKER:The point is, you're on your own now, and I don't have time to tell you everything you need to know. So here's a few brief pointers. Invest in real estate, there's no such thing as a permanent record, always eat breakfast, all the girls on the internet are actually dudes, and you should never, ever buy the extended warranty on anything. Ever. Oh also, chicks like it when you tell them you're pretty, but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to 'em. So mix it up a little.
CHURCH:Tucker let's go!
TUCKER:Okay little dude, I gotta go now. Tex needs me and Church to back her up.
JUNIOR:Bow chicka honk honk.
DOC:Hunh, I guess you have been teaching him some stuff.
TUCKER:Teach? You don't teach that. That shit's genetic.
Cut to Tex, Church and Tucker walking along the plateau on the side of the Canyon toward Red Base
CHURCH:I don't see anything.
TEX:I'll move up. You two stay here.
TUCKER:You want us to cover you?
TEX:Yeah. Cover me. That way I won't get hurt. Just don't run away.
TUCKER:Hey, you don't have to be a bitch.
Tex approaches Red Base, while Church looks on through the scope of the sniper rifle
CHURCH:I don't see anything at all. It's like they're all hiding or somethin'.
TUCKER:Uh, what do you see?
CHURCH:I just said I don't see anything, I just said that.
TUCKER:Man I hate that I never get the fucking sniper rifle!
CHURCH:Oh yeah boo hoo, all you've got is your stupid awesome sword, I feel so sorry for you.
TUCKER:Come on dude, just once. Let me use it, just one time, I won't ever ask again! Pleeeeeeeease? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.
CHURCH:Can I use the sword?
TUCKER:Oh hell yes!
CHURCH:Fine, here.
TUCKER:Oh kickass! Heh heh! Okay no, wait, how do I zoom? I'm zoomed!
CHURCH:Hey Tucker, the sword doesn't even work. What a fuckin' gyp.
TUCKER:Now how do I- wait what is this thing?
CHURCH:Okay, whatever dude, just don't-
Tucker shoots Tex right in the ass
TEX:OW!
CHURCH:What the fuck, did you just fire that thing?
TUCKER:Oops! That was an accident.
CHURCH:We're s'posed to be sneaking up on 'em, dumbass. They're gonna hear us, gimme it back.
TUCKER:Um, yeah, okay take it back.
CHURCH:I knew there was a reason I didn't let you use this thing all these year- Hey, Tex, what're you doing back?
Tex punches Church in the face
CHURCH:OW! What the fuck did I do!?
TEX:Asshole!
TUCKER:I told him to be careful with that thing, he's just not very good with it.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 95: Loading...

Fade in on the computer readouts inside the ship
SHEILA:Hello, and thank you for activating the M808- wait a minute. Where am I?
CABOOSE:Sheila! You're awake! I am so happy, look- we got you a new place to live. Now you are the big ship lady.
SHEILA:I like it. It is so roomy. Much nicer than that stuffy old tank.
CABOOSE:And now... you can fly.
SHEILA:Are you the pilot Caboose? Shall I run the tutorial program?
CABOOSE:Mmm, yeah. Uh, let's not do that right now.
Cut to the underground viewscreen the Reds are looking at
SARGE:Look they're invading our base! And we're not even there to defend it. Oh the humiliation! Men, this aggression cannot stand. We'll beat those Blues all the way back across the canyon. This is the moment we've all been training for!
GRIF:Training? We haven't done any training. Wait, is sleep considered training?
SARGE:Simmons, as with all our battle plans, I need you to punch Grif in the back of the head. Simmons? Simmons!
SIMMONS:Uh huh, yeah, I agree. Everything you say is right, Red Team's great... hooray.
SARGE:Simmons, stop watching those T.V.s.
DONUT:Yeah Simmons, give it up. There's not gonna be any more pictures of naked girls on there.
SIMMONS:Shut up, you don't know that. Stop saying that. He doesn't know what he's talking about.
SARGE:Men, this won't be easy. The Blues will be totally bunkered down. At both bases, which gives them an enormous strategic advantage! But we're the Red Team.
A flag lowers behind Sarge, with someone singing
SARGE:Sure, you might not be the best squad... might not be smart... or energetic, or have any skills that qualify you for duty in any other legitimately recognized military unit. However-
DONUT:Where did that flag come from?
GRIF:Flag, who gives a fuck about the flag. How about who's singing?
SARGE:But with precise operations, and proper communication, we will emerge victorious! With a little luck, one of us in particular, will die a horrible death! Either at the hands of the Blues, or as part of a cunning distraction by yours truly.
The singing stops
SIMMONS:Why don't we just take over Blue Base?
SARGE:Nonsense! At Blue Base they're much more fortified. Blue Base has turrets. Blue Base has a tank!
SIMMONS:Blue Base has noone in it.
SARGE:What?
SIMMONS:Look, see? They're all gone.
SARGE:Where'd they go?
DONUT:They went to Red Base. That's what we've been talking about.
GRIF:But which one of these caves leads to the Blue Base? I'm all turned around down here.
DONUT:I have an idea.
Cut to the Reds standing over the bodies of the two Blue corpses
DONUT:See, these are dead Blues.
SARGE:Yes, Donut, we're all very happy about the corpses. Sicko.
DONUT:Don't you get it? When they buried you, you fell down here. When the Blues buried these two guys, they fell in too.
SIMMONS:I thought the Blues had three dead guys.
DONUT:So that means, we're standing right underneath Blue Base. All we need to do is head up, and take 'em from behind.
SARGE:Cavernous conundrum he's right! Let's go men. We'll grab their base while they capture ours! On to glorious victory!
SIMMONS:Technically that's not victory. It's more like a stalemate.
SARGE:On to equilibrium then?
SIMMONS:Yeah, that'll work.
GRIF:Huhh, this war sucks.
Cut back to Caboose and Sheila
SHEILA:Diagnostic complete.
CABOOSE:Um, Sheila have you seen Tex?
SHEILA:No. I have been running a diagnostic on my new home. I only need some minor repairs to my landing gear. But I require a replacement ignition coil to become functional. Do you have an ignition coil Private Caboose?
CABOOSE:Um no, uh but Tex wanted me to tell her when you started talking. Um... and I'm supposed to find her.
SHEILA:My sensors indicate she is at the Red base.
CABOOSE:Om no that's the worst kind of base.
SHEILA:Why did she want to speak to me?
CABOOSE:Oh, she just wanted to know where O'Malley is.
SHEILA:Oh. Of course. Would you like to know where O'Malley is Caboose?
Cut to the cave Sister, Doc and Junior went in
SISTER:So by the time I got home it was four A-M, and when my Mom asked where I was, I told her I was riding around on the train all night, which I guess is technically true...
DOC:Uh yeah, we don't have to talk about stuff any more. Let's just walk. And not talk. Ever again.
SISTER:Come on little guy, hurry up!
JUNIOR:Hnnnk!
SISTER:Oh my God, head.
DOC:Okay please, really, no more stories.
SISTER:Seriously, it's a head. Look.
DOC:Huh?
LOPEZ:Ola.
CAPTION:Yo.
DOC:Oh. It's you.
LOPEZ:Lo que. Una cierta manera de tratar, a su muchacho.
CAPTION:Whatever. Some way to treat your sidekick.
LOPEZ:Mi a rodeo por días y usted incluso no me busque.
CAPTION:Gone for days and you don't even look for me.
SISTER:You know him?
DOC:You speak Spanish?
SISTER:Uh, of course I do, it's the year twenty-five hundred and I'm from America.
DOC:Aoh, cool. Tell him O'Malley is gone.
SISTER:O'Malley no está aquí ya fue.
LOPEZ:Su Español es muy horrible.
CAPTION:Your Spanish sucks.
SISTER:Who's O'Malley?
Cut to the Red Base, which the Blues have handily taken over
CHURCH:Alright well, I guess let's break up in to teams and search the base.
TEX:Got it.
Radio sounds
CABOOSE:Tex! Tex are you there Tex? I know who O'Malley is!
TUCKER:It looks like the Reds pulled out. Does that mean we win?
CHURCH:I s'pose so. I guess we have, two bases, in the middle of a box canyon now.
TUCKER:Whoopdie fuckin' doo.
CHURCH:Right Tex?
TEX:(training her gun on Church) Don't move, O'Malley.
CHURCH:Oh, crap.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 96: The Wrong Crowd

Fade in on the underground cave
SARGE:And then Donut will use all our grenades to bombard the base, while we move forward in an advanced cover-fire formation.
GRIF:Got it. And nobody hurts Sister. That's my job.
SIMMONS:Why does Donut get to stay on the sidelines?
SARGE:Because, he's got a great arm. Heh, he coulda gone pro.
DONUT:It comes from years of tossing.
SARGE:And as discussed, in the event that we are cornered and no other options exist, Donut will make sure to save at least four grenades, one for each of you. And two for Grif.
DONUT:Anyone have a preference of Frag or Sticky? Tell me now, I don't want any complaining later on.
SIMMONS:Frag, no wait Sticky.
GRIF:Surprise me.
SIMMONS:I'm gonna change back to Frag.
DONUT:Hey Sarge, have you thought about calling for reinforcements? Like when we called for the ship.
GRIF:You mean the ship that crushed you while bringing more blue soldiers? Yeah maybe we shouldn't do that.
SARGE:It's worth a shot. They owe us one now.
Radio sounds, and as Sarge speaks there's an echo in the cave
SARGE:Come in Command. Are you there? Vic, are you there? Come in! Is this thing on?
SIMMONS:Does anybody hear that echo?
DONUT:Yeah, we're in a cave Simmons. Caves echo. Duh. That's how bats navigate.
SIMMONS:No, it seems like it's coming from back the way we came.
GRIF:Did you say bats, what bats? Were you talking about bats?
DONUT:Um, just, bats in general.
GRIF:Don't bullshit me dude, I heard bats.
VIC:Hehehey, roho amigo. What's goin' awn?
SARGE:Vic, we need help! The Blues have executed a brilliant plan, and it looks like we've fallen for it perfectly. No doubt they're celebrating at our very own base as we speak.
Cut to Red Base, where Tex is celebrating by threatening Church's life. She's so cheerful
TEX:Don't move.
TUCKER:Ooh, busted! Kill him Tex, I've got fifty-to-one odds if his next death is caused by anyone but Caboose.
Back to Sarge
SARGE:We're going to die if we don't get some help over here Vic.
VIC:Uh hey dude it's Vic Junior. We already covered that.
SARGE:Hrr, Vic Junior. We're going to die if we don't get some help over here.
VIC:Okay dude, calm down, take a chill pill. If you don't have a chill pill take one of those chill strips, you put it on your tongue it dissolves, chill. I'll try to help, but someone's been here monkeying with my equipment. Just give me a second and I'll- oh, no oh man, I gotta go bye, try to win.
SARGE:Hello? I don't hear any hold music. Please don't transfer me to India. Hello?
Cut to another part of the cave, with Sarge's words echoing in it
SARGE:Vic Junior. We're going to die if we don't get some help over here.
VIC:Okay dude, calm down, take a chill pill. If you don't have a chill pill take one of those chill strips, you put it on your tongue it dissolves, chill. I'll try to help, but someone's been here monkeying with my equipment. Just give me a second and I'll-
SIMMONS:Hello? Hello. Who's there?
VIC:Oh, no oh man, I gotta go bye, try to win.
SIMMONS:Who's talking down here? Hello?
SARGE:Oh, yes I'm still here Vic. We need help!
SIMMONS:Sarge?
SARGE:Simmons, is that you?
SIMMONS:Yyyes?
SARGE:What the- do you work at Command now? When were you promoted?
SIMMONS:I don't work at Command, you called me here. It looks like this monitoring equipment is interfering with our radios. Or something.
SARGE:Diabolical. Well get yer keester back here. Red Command is useless.
GRIF:There's a newsflash.
SARGE:Shut up Grif.
GRIF:Did that order come from Command?
SARGE:In fact it did. And they also ordered my foot to report up your ass on the double!
On the screen Simmons is watching, Sarge runs across and beats on Grif
SIMMONS:I can't believe I donated organs for this fucking war.
The screen changes to Red Base, which we slickly switch to
CHURCH:Tex I am not O'Malley.
TEX:Bullshit. It all makes sense now. You were the one that told Gary where we were, you were the one that wanted me to disable Sheila by moving her to the ship, and you wanted the ignition coil once I'd removed it.
CHURCH:That's all coincidental. It doesn't make me evil. Just makes me a bad leader.
TEX:Why would Caboose tell me it was you?
CHURCH:You're getting information from Caboose.
CABOOSE:(over the radio) Thaaat's right.
CHURCH:Dude, I'll tell you what. If you get me killed again, I gotta tell ya, this time I'm gonna be a little pissed.
CABOOSE:Sheila told me that O'Malley might be inside Blue Leader.
TEX:And that's you.
CHURCH:Sheila's crazy, remember? Besides I was never officially promoted to Blue Leader anyway. That's... Oh no.
Cut to Doc and Sister back in their cave
DOC:So that's how you got here Lopez? What a strange, yet totally believable story.
LOPEZ:¿Quién es la gringo?
CAPTION:Who's that guy?
The camera pans left to reveal someone in blue with a teal alien
BLUE SOLDIER:Hi there. I don't think we've met. I'm captain Butch Flowers. And this, is my friend.
SISTER:Hi nice to meet you! Hey, wait, wasn't I sent here to replace you?
JUNIOR:Honnnk?
FLOWERS:Hey there little guy. I've been waiting a very, very long time to meet you. Muhuhuhuha, muhohohoho, muahahahahaaa.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 97: Uncommunicado

Fade in on the Blue standoff at Red Base
CHURCH:I am not O'Malley, I'm telling you, it's Flowers.
TUCKER:Liar, Flowers is dead.
CHURCH:Then what happened to the Reds, Tucker. Where did they go? I certainly didn't sneak over here and scare them off in my spare time, when I wasn't dealing with you and Tex, and that new yellow freak, and that stupid disgusting kid a' yours.
TUCKER:Okay, okay. Man, I hope if Flowers is alive that he doesn't want this armour back. Hey what's up with the Reds?
TEX:Where are they?
CHURCH:Who knows. Maybe it's lunch time. Maybe the Red army doesn't pay overtime and they all just went home.
TEX:All their stuff is here. I don't think they evacuated.
TUCKER:What do you think Tex?
TEX:I think we may have walked right in to a-
WYOMING:A trap?
TEX:Wyoming.
CHURCH:Okay see? Now, if I was O'Malley, I would've known that was gonna happen.
Cut to an anonymous cave
GRIF:Shouldn't we rethink this plan?
SARGE:Why?
GRIF:Well now that Simmons has cut us off from Command, we're attacking the enemy base with no support.
SIMMONS:I didn't cut us off from Command.
GRIF:You interrupted the radio transmission!
SIMMONS:No I didn't. Whoever Sarge was talking with was already down in that cave. I just walked up and started talking to Sarge in the middle of it.
GRIF:What the fuck do you think interrupting means?
SARGE:Can it you two.
ANDY:Yeah, you're givin' me a headache.
SIMMONS:Andy, is that you?
ANDY:No, I'm tha other talkin' bomb. Francis. Pleased ta meet ya ya dickhead.
SIMMONS:I thought you were busy helping the enemy.
ANDY:Nah, they didn't need me any more. Apparently that revived guy learned enough alien language to get by. And then it was "what have you done for me lately?"
GRIF:Hey, what was that deal they were talking about when I was all drugged out?
DONUT:Grif, I'm prouda you. Admitting you have a problem, is the first step.
GRIF:Fuck off, Donut.
DONUT:Baby steps Grif.
ANDY:That new alien is here to find the old one, and he revived the blue guy to help him. But then somethin' happened to him. I don't know what; started actin' all, funky.
SIMMONS:The alien revived him.
ANDY:Yeah. They don't treat life and death the same way we do. Fact that little guy that everyone thinks-
SARGE:We don't have time for this. Let's go men.
ANDY:Wait, take me with you!
SARGE:Andy, we're going in to battle unmanned. Low on ammo and with no support. What use could we possibly have for a bomb?
ANDY:I could always act as a lookout... or a spy... or a chef? Or you know, you could always, use me as a bomb... Oh, hey Lopez.
LOPEZ:Meh.
CAPTION:Up yours.
Cut back to the Blues and the white guy
TEX:Wyoming.
WYOMING:Ah yes, hello Tex. So sorry to sneak up on you when you were busy quarrelling about, well whatever it is exactly you people do here. I'm guessing some kind of ditch digging or something.
TUCKER:Blue Team doesn't even have shovels. Which kinda sucks, because our guys are the ones who keep dying.
WYOMING:And it looks like that trend is going to continue.
CHURCH:Oh what, y-yer here for Tex? Because if you are she's right there. All yours buddy. Go for it.
TUCKER:Yeah. Ladies first!
WYOMING:Not at all. I'm here for your little friend. He's very important to a lot of people.
Church speaks over radio sounds
CHURCH:Ahuh-huh-huh excuse me.
Cut to Caboose inside Sheila, with all that entails
CABOOSE:Now that Church is possessed by O'Malley and is evil, do you think we'll have to kick him off the team? Then it would be just me and my sidekick Tucker. That's not a lot o' people on the team... Also I don't like Tucker? Oh, I know: maybe we could convince one of the Reds to switch sides! Then we can give them Tucker. That would fix both problems!
The phone starts ringing
SHEILA:I don't know, that doesn't seem like it would work.
CABOOSE:Oh, Church is calling me. Prob'ly to ask me to be his new best friend. Or to infect me with a horrible computer virus. Excuse me for a minute Sheila I have to take this.
SHEILA:Affirmative.
Caboose clicks on the radio
CABOOSE:Yes! Hello evil Church. What can I do for ya?
CHURCH:So Wyoming, you just showed up here and decided to attack us.
CABOOSE:Uh, my name is Caboooose...
CHURCH:And now you've caught us at gunpoint, and it looks like we're in big trouble.
CABOOSE:Uh that doesn't sound like something I would do. I think you have the wrong number.
CHURCH:Here at Red Base. Wyoming. You found us and are holding us prisoner. At the Red base. Wyoming.
CABOOSE:Ah Red Base no, uh, I'm in the ship. The shiiiip. Sheila I think O'Malley has driven him crazy, uhm, he's talking nonsense.
CHURCH:If only someone nearby, someone with access to a tank, somehow knew what was going on and could help us. Someone for instance, in blue armour. Who somehow knew about the situation, and figured out what the fuck other people were talking about, and tried to fucking help us, and then we would be saved.
CABOOSE:Yeah, he's definitely crazy.
The tank drives off in the background
CABOOSE:Hey Sheila, where's the tank part of you going?
Cut back to Red Base, with Wyoming holding everyone hostage somehow
WYOMING:Why do you keep explaining things to me? I understand the situation perfectly. I ambushed you, you're quivering in fear.
TUCKER:Yeah what are you, the narrator now or something?
CHURCH:I just want everyone to be on the same page about Wyoming, ambushing us, at the Red base.
TUCKER:We know.
CHURCH:Wyoming. The bad guy.
TUCKER:We know!
CHURCH:And we're here at the Red base. Which isn't the Blue base. Or the caves, or the cliffs, or that weird tree, or the windmill.
TUCKER:We get it dude, we're standing right here.
CHURCH:Maybe we should take this from the top. Do you wanna write this down?
TUCKER:No!
WYOMING:I think your friend here has lost his marbles.
TUCKER:Oh you wanna see crazy wait until you try to take my fucking kid. What do you want with him anyway, he never did anything to you.
WYOMING:It's not what he did, it's what he's going to do. That child is very special.
TUCKER:Yeah, I know. I guess I should have read to him more, or something.
WYOMING:Not that kind of special, you half-wit. I mean he's important.
CHURCH:Red Base. Noone is in the State of Wyoming!
Cut to the Reds mustering in the gulch
SARGE:There's the base.
SIMMONS:It looks like they're in trouble. Is that that bounty hunter guy? That guy's a dick.
SARGE:Hah! The Blues have overextended themselves and spread their forces too thin! Classic blunder. Change of plans, men. Instead of hitting Blue Base, we're going to take back our own base!
The tank rolls by toward Red Base
GRIF:Tank!
SIMMONS:Oh shit!
SARGE:Free change of plans, men!
GRIF:Fuck this!
SARGE:Blue Base it is.
Back to Wyoming et al
WYOMING:That little alien of yours has a very important destiny to fulfill. And we're going to make sure he does it.
TUCKER:Well he's not here, so guess what. You're shit outta luck.
WYOMING:I'm well aware; my partner's taking care of that little acquisition right now. I'm just here to, tidy up a bit.
TUCKER:How'd you sneak up on us anyway? Tex, I thought you were s'posed to be good at this stealth stuff.
TEX:I am.
Tex vanishes in to thin air
TUCKER:Wow, that's awesome. Good for you.
WYOMING:Oh no, Tex has gone invisible. Whatever shall I do. Fretting, worry.
CHURCH:Dude I wouldn't sound so smug. She kicked your ass last time and you weren't outnumbered like ya are now.
The tank rolls up to Red Base
CHURCH:Haha yeah! Whay it worked! I can't believe Caboose came through! How ya like that Wyoming? We even have our tank now. Booya mother fucker!
WYOMING:Ho ho ho ho ho, your tank? Hu hu hu hu hu...
GARY:Knock knock, Church.
CHURCH:Oh shit. Why is it that something dramatic seems to happen exactly every five minutes? I mean, I can't possibly be the only one out here noticing this trend.
GARY:Firing main cannon.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 98: Same Old, Same Old

Fade in to Caboose listening to Church from inside Sheila... I feel dirty just writing that
CHURCH:Haha yeah! Whay it worked! I can't believe Caboose came through! How ya like that Wyoming? We even have our tank now. Booya mother fu-
CABOOSE:Sheila, um did you send the tank out there to, help them?
SHEILA:Negative.
CABOOSE:Oh, so the tank went out there, on its own.
SHEILA:Affirmative.
CABOOSE:Sheila, I think they might be in trouble.
SHEILA:Affirmative.
CABOOSE:I, should help them!
SHEILA:Affirmative.
CABOOSE:I could go out there-
SHEILA:Negative.
CABOOSE:And help them beat Wyoming-
SHEILA:Negative.
CABOOSE:And save the day-
SHEILA:Nope.
CABOOSE:And everyone will love me!
SHEILA:What?
CABOOSE:Especially Church!
SHEILA:My sensors indicate you don't stand a chance.
CABOOSE:Thanks Sheila! This is a great plan!
Cut to the standoff at Red Base
WYOMING:You know I really can't thank you enough for leaving your tank completely unattended. It was very kind of you old chap. Makes your defeat and humiliation so much easier.
CHURCH:Yeah? Well, great, glad we could help. I'm sure if you give us enough time we'll just kill ourselves. Save ya some ammo.
WYOMING:If it makes you feel any better your death is for a very noble cause.
CHURCH:What do you want with Tucker's kid anyway?
TUCKER:What? How did we get here?
CHURCH:Tucker.
TUCKER:What!?
CHURCH:What's wrong with you?
TUCKER:With me? What's happening?
CHURCH:Um... we're being held prisoner? Where the hell have you been?
TUCKER:What? How? I'm so confused.
CHURCH:What do you mean how? Are you retarded?
TUCKER:But Tex! She-
CHURCH:No. Tex will take him out.
WYOMING:Oh right, Tex. You mean, her?
As Wyoming says "her" he lunges forward and punches the invisible Tex, knocking her down and out
WYOMING:Poor Tex. Never could figure out when she'd been beaten.
CHURCH:What? How did you know where she was?
TUCKER:What do you mean, that's where she was before.
CHURCH:Before what? Tucker, have you gone insane?
WYOMING:Wait a minute, what's going on?
GARY:I think he knows.
WYOMING:I think you're right.
Caboose comes charging over the hill, doing his very best "The Cavalry" impression
CABOOSE:Church! I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!
WYOMING:It's the idiot, take care of him. Quickly.
GARY:Right.
TUCKER:Caboose, no, stay back! Don't get near the tank!
Gary fires the tank's secret machine gun at Caboose, killing him
CABOOSE:Uuuhhh!
CHURCH:Caboose! Noooo!
Cut to the Reds watching from the safety of their conquered Blue Base
SARGE:Whoa. Looks like the blue one just got killed by the tank.
SIMMONS:A Blue got killed by their own tank? Man, I just had the weirdest sense of déjà vu.
GRIF:Hehey, speaking of getting tanked, we should see if the Blues have any beer around here.
SARGE:Hiyo!
Cut to Red Base, where Gary is firing the tank cannon at the Blues
TUCKER:Go, move!
Tucker and Church run down the ramp and out in to the canyon
TUCKER:Look out!
CHURCH:Caboose, Caboose! Ah, fuck he's not moving!
TUCKER:I'm telling you he's dead. Just like last time.
CHURCH:Tucker, you are gonna start making sense right, now. That's an order.
TUCKER:This already happened. Wyoming shot Caboose, Tex jumped Wyoming and knocked his gun away and then-
CHURCH:Tex is unconscious!
TUCKER:Fucking A, I know, that's what I'm saying!
Church leans out over the rock and shoots Wyoming in the gut with the sniper rifle
WYOMING:Awh!
CHURCH:Oh- I hit him! I hit him! I can't believe I hi- I mean, I knew this sniper rifle was awesome.
TUCKER:This is just like last time! Once Wyoming lost everything seemed to-
The camera pans back and Tucker and Church are returned to Red Base in front of Wyoming
TUCKER:Reset.
WYOMING:You know I really can't thank you enough for leaving your tank completely unattended. It was very kind of you old chap. Makes your defeat and humiliation so much easier.
CHURCH:Yeah? Well, great, glad we could help. I'm sure if you give us enough time we'll just kill ourselves. Save ya some ammo.
WYOMING:If it makes you feel any better your death is for a very noble cause.
CHURCH:What do you want with Tucker's kid anyway?
TUCKER:What is going on?
CHURCH:Um... we're being held prisoner? Where the hell have you been?
TUCKER:Church don't you remember any of this?
CHURCH:Tucker, what the fuck are you talkin' about?
GARY:He knows.
WYOMING:How the devil is he keeping up with us?
GARY:Irrelevant. Eliminate him.
Gary fires the tank cannon at Tucker and misses
TUCKER:Go, move! Tex look out, he knows where you are!
Tex rematerializes as Tucker and Church make their way back down to the canyon
TEX:(rematerializing) What?
Caboose saunters over the hill
CABOOSE:Church! I am coming to help! Don't start without me!
TUCKER:Oh, shit I forgot about Caboose!
Caboose is sniped in the face
CABOOSE:Eh! I am dead!
CHURCH:Caboose! Noooo!
Back to Blue Base
SARGE:Yowza! Looks like the blue one just got sniped!
GRIF:Hey, speaking of getting sniped, we should see if the Blues have any ...beer around here?
SIMMONS:What the fuck's that supposed to mean?
GRIF:I don't know. Sounded a lot funnier in my head before I said it.
SIMMONS:Man, I just had the weirdest sense of déjà vu.
Back to Tucker and Church
TUCKER:Aw crap.
CHURCH:Whaddaya mean aw crap? Caboose just got killed.
TUCKER:Yeah I know, but I'm pretty sure it's okay. Somehow Wyoming keeps looping us through the same events over and over again. And noone but me seems to remember. I don't know how, but every time he gets hurt things just start-
Back on top of Red Base in front of Wyoming
CHURCH:Yeah? ell, great, glad we could help. I'm sure if you give us enough time we'll just kill ourselves. Save ya some ammo.
TUCKER:Yeah, what do you want with my kid anyway?
WYOMING:You don't, remember?
TUCKER:Remember? You never told me anything.
GARY:I think it worked, that time.
WYOMING:Apparently. Keep your eye on him next time.
CHURCH:The fuck are you guys talking about? Oh you know what, never mind. Keep talking. Waste time until Tex kills you.
WYOMING:Oh right, dear Tex. You mean, her?
Wyoming lunges at Tex and knockes her down and out again... not that she remembers the first time
WYOMING:Oh poor Tex. Never could understand when she was-
Tucker steps in behind Wyoming and stabs him through the chest with his sword
TUCKER:Beaten!?
WYOMING:Oh dear!
Tucker pulls out of Wyoming (heh) and Wyoming falls to the ground
GARY:Reggie.
TUCKER:That's right bitch. I take care of my kid.
Caboose comes trundling over the hill
CABOOSE:I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!
Tucker picks up a sniper rifle and shoots it at Caboose's feet
TUCKER:Caboose, get the fuck outta here!
CABOOSE:Okay bye, I don't wanna help any more.
Back to the Reds at Blue Base we go
SARGE:Whoa. Looks like the white guy just got stabbed.
GRIF:Hey, speaking of getting stabbed... I think I have a headache all of a sudden. For some reason I want a beer.
SIMMONS:Man I just had the weirdest sense of... meh what's that thing called? When you, think you've done something, but you don't know if you did it?
GRIF:How the fuck should I know?
Cut to Church and Tucker fleeing from the enraged Gary
CHURCH:Tucker, how did you know that was gonna happen?
TUCKER:'Cause of Wyoming. You know how Tex said every freelancer had an A.I. and a special ability?
CHURCH:Hyeah.
TUCKER:I think Wyoming can loop us through little segments of time, and he just keeps doing it over and over again until he wins.
CHURCH:Wait, what? How many times did we loop?
TUCKER:Who knows? Doesn't matter now. That cocksucker's dead.
CHURCH:No no, it does matter. Don't you remember when we came here to begin with? I got stuck in a loop, and every time I went back, I left a bunch of-
Church and Tucker run in to the bottom of Red Base, where they encounter seven Wyomings waiting patiently for them
CHURCH:Copies.
WYOMING:Hello. Hwahahahaha.
WYOMING 2:Hehehehaha.
WYOMING 4:Hohohohohohohoho.
WYOMING 7:Heh heh heh heh.
WYOMING 5:Heh ho hohohoho.
WYOMING 3:Huh huh huh huh huh.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 99: Repent, The End Is Near

Fade in to Flowers in the underground lair talking to the computer
FLOWERS:Yes, everything is coming together as planned. And these fools still have no idea. Once the young one gets his sword, there will be no stopping us.
VIC:Hey, what about the other guy dude, does he know about the thing with the thing?
FLOWERS:No that beast does not suspect anything either. Everyone has played right in to our hands. Muuhuhohuhhahahahaaa. ...Okay maybe that was a little loud. Huhahahaaa. There. That's better.
Cut to Tucker and Church fleeing from all the Wyomings
WYOMING 6:They're getting away!
TUCKER:Come on!
WYOMING 1:Cut them off!
CHURCH:Why aren't you being affected by any of this?
WYOMING 3:Remember the sniper shot.
TUCKER:He said it has something to do with the sword!
Tucker turns and shoots Wyoming 4 in the head with the sniper rifle
WYOMING 3:I told you to watch for the sniper shot.
CHURCH:Who said? When?
WYOMING 5:I've got to get my sight!
TUCKER:Just trust me!
WYOMING 7:Get off the ledge you fool!
Tucker turns and shoots Wyoming 1 off the top of the base
WYOMING 1:Ah- Ooph!
TUCKER:The cliff! Head for the cliff!
WYOMING 2:This time flank him!
TUCKER:That's where Tex will be!
CHURCH:Are you sure?
WYOMING 7:Hey, hey!
TUCKER:No, not that way!
WYOMING 7:Now I've got you!
Tucker aims at Church's head, and Church ducks, allowing Tucker to shoot Wyoming 7 in the face
WYOMING 7:Ah!
CHURCH:Hey you know what, I kinda like this new all-knowing badass Tucker. He's certainly a lot better than the old one.
Church heads off between some rocks
TUCKER:No Church wait! The other way!
GARY:Knock knock Church.
CHURCH:Son of a bitch!
Gary fires the tank's cannon at Church, who evades and rejoins Tucker
TUCKER:I meant the other other way. My bad dude.
CHURCH:I take back what I said! You still suck.
TUCKER:Okay Tex perfect, now listen.
TEX:What the hell? Why do you guys keep giving away my position?
TUCKER:It doesn't matter, they know you're here anyway. DUCK!
Church and Tex duck, and a sniper shot goes through where both their heads used to be.
WYOMING 3:Once I hit a towel.
TUCKER:See?
CHURCH:Tex, this is almost gonna be impossible to explain, but he knows exactly what's going on, and we just need to trust him.
TEX:Trust him. Ten minutes ago he shot me.
CHURCH:Yeah well that's I mean... you know, come on. Kind of a bitch. But don't worry, now that we're together, I'm sure he has an awesome plan. Right Tucker?
TUCKER:Right, now you guys stay here and distract the Wyomings. I'ma go take care of that fuckin' tank.
CHURCH:Distract! How?
TUCKER:Not getting killed is a great way to start! Watch your back!
Shots hit the ground near Church's feet
CHURCH:Jesus!
Tucker runs over the hill and rejoins Caboose
TUCKER:Caboose, are you ready to help? I need you to do something.
CABOOSE:Great!
TUCKER:I need you to run out there and get the tank to shoot at you and try to draw it closer to the ship. It's gonna be really dangerou-
CABOOSE:Okay!
TUCKER:Caboose, that's why I always liked you. Everything falls in to two categories. Either you don't understand it, or you just don't care.
CABOOSE:Yeah, I don't really know what you mean by that. But I guess it doesn't matter.
TUCKER:Exactly.
CABOOSE:Why didn't you have Tex or Church help? Is it because I'm the best?
TUCKER:No, it's because Church is an asshole and Tex doesn't trust me right now.
CABOOSE:Really? Why not?
TUCKER:Eh, because I got to use a sniper rifle and I ended up unloading a round in to her ass.
CABOOSE:Hey chicka bum-bum.
TUCKER:Caboose, what did I tell you about that!?
CABOOSE:Sorry, sorry.
Caboose heads boldly toward the tank
CABOOSE:Hey. Big mean tank jerk. Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
The tank starts heading toward Caboose
CABOOSE:Dah, that's more like it. ...Uh oh. Uh- okay, uh Tucker, uh, uh here it comes. Tucker? ...Tucker. Um, yeah, I- I I didn't really mean anything, I I just wanted to say um... Hi?
Tucker comes up behind the tank and inserts a hose in to its rear orifice
TUCKER:Now Sheila!
SHEILA:Affirmative.
GARY:What nuuuuuuuu...
TUCKER:Did you get him Sheila?
SHEILA:I have him! He is currently isolated behind a firewall. He is attempting to get through, but it will take some time. He is not that smart.
GARY:I heard that.
TUCKER:Great. Caboose, stay here, I'll be back in a bit.
CABOOSE:Okay, but I still don't know what's happening. Good tank? Nice tank?
Cut to the Reds watching the ongoing battle between the Blues and the Whites, of which there are now six, meaning two were not initially visible
SIMMONS:Man, that seems like a really big fight.
SARGE:Yeah. Looks like they don't stand much of a chance. Ah, those Blues are finally getting what they deserve. I always knew this day would come.
DONUT:You mean you knew that the Blues would be killed by an unknown group of cloned enemies while in control of our base, and while we were in control of theirs? Seriously? You knew that was coming.
SARGE:Absolutely. It's so obvious. Durrr. What a glorious day to be Red.
GRIF:And the best part of it all is that the Blues are finally gonna be driven out of the canyon, and we get to sit on the sidelines. Man, someone does all the battling and we just have to kick back and let 'em take the glory, while we enjoy the benefits. We don't have to do anything.
SARGE:Rrrr...
GRIF:Hhhh... You know, one of these days, and I don't know when, I'm gonna learn to shut my fuckin' mouth.
Cut to now eight Wyomings firing on the Blues
CHURCH:Okay, I'll take the ones on the right, you take the ones on the left.
TEX:There's twice as many on the left
CHURCH:I know, I can count.
TUCKER:Just keep backing them up!
CHURCH:Why, what are we waiting- wait a sec. The hell is that music!?
The Reds come barrelling over the hill in the Warthog, bowling over most of the Wyomings on the left, and Sarge shoots Wyoming 10 in the face
SARGE:Yaaaa, now that's what I call ridin' shotgun! Blammo, haha!
SIMMONS:Excellent shot, and follow-up one-liner Sir.
SARGE:Thank you Simmons.
Wyoming 2 tries to mount the driver side of the Warthog, and Sarge shoots him
SARGE:Now get to blastin'.
SIMMONS:On it Sir.
Simmons starts firing the chain gun on the back of the Warthog, cutting down Wyomings 3 and 8
SIMMONS:Yeah, suck it Blue! And you too White! Suck it crackers!
GRIF:Crackers? I thought you were Dutch Irish?
SIMMONS:Fuck that shit. Shut up and drive, bitch. Yeahah, get some, suck it tits. Ohoh, you want some, how about this?
Grif drives over Wyomings 5, 12 and 13, while Simmons shoots Wyomings 6, 9 and 11
SIMMONS:You like that? Yeah, I got plenty more here! Take that ya honkey mother fuckers!
CABOOSE:Hey Reds! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
CHURCH:Uh, is he gonna be okay?
Caboose runs away from the Warthog, which follows him dilligently
CABOOSE:I am Caboose! The vehicle destroyer!
TUCKER:...Yeah, probably.
CHURCH:Hey one of them's still alive.
WYOMING:Uuuhhh.
CHURCH:What's your plan, Wyoming? Why are you here, and what do you want with Junior?
TUCKER:He already told me! My kid is the last part of that big prophecy we thought failed. He's supposed to become some big religious saviour for their whole race. Or some crap.
TEX:What?
TUCKER:Yeah, so they wanna make Junior fulfill the prophecy and have O'Malley infect him. Then they can use him to enslave all the aliens by corrupting their religion from the inside.
CHURCH:Okay. That's disgusting.
WYOMING:No, that's our job. To win the war at any cost.
CHURCH:Yeah well good luck. Now that we have you, all we need to do is stop O'Malley. And Tex will be more than happy to do that.
WYOMING:Oh on the contrary, my friend. Now that she knows our plan, not only will she not stop us; our dear Tex is going to help us.
CHURCH:Oh yeah. I'm sure she'd be happy to help O'Malley. I'n't that right Tex. Tex?
TEX:He's right. This is Freelancer Tex, broadcasting on a open channel.
CHURCH:Tex! What are you doing?
TEX:You want me O'Malley? Come and get me.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Episode 100: Why Were We Here?

Fade in to the Reds hunting down Caboose in their jeep Puma Warthog
SIMMONS:Hey Caboooose.
GRIF:Caboooose.
SIMMONS:Come out so I can shoot you ya fuckstick!
GRIF:Where did Caboose go?
SARGE:I don't see 'im. Caboose!
SIMMONS:Come out Caboose, all we wanna do is shoot you!
CABOOSE:Don't listen to them, it's a trick!
The Warthog's radio starts picking up the Blues
TEX:This is Freelancer Tex broadcasting on an open channel.
CHURCH:This is Private Church broadcasting on an open channel.
GRIF:Why are the Blues on the radio?
SIMMONS:Who knows? Hey Blues, shut the fuck up, get off our radios and quit running our batteries down!
O'Malley shoots in to Simmons' open radio frequency
O'MALLEY:Do it now, or I will kill every last one of you! And then everyone else here as well! Just to prove a point! Mahahahahahahaha!
GRIF:Whoa Simmons, hey. Don't you think that was a little over the top?
O'MALLEY:Suck it you fool!
SARGE:And what's wrong with your voice?
O'MALLEY:Nothing. Why does something have to be wrong with my voice? Maybe something's wrong with your voice. Ever think about that, cocksucker?
GRIF:Um, you do know that's Sarge you're talking to, right?
SIMMONS:I mean cocksucker, Sir!
O'MALLEY:Muahaha, hahaha.
Cut to the Blues, and Tex executing the last Wyoming
CHURCH:This is Private Church broadcasting on an open channel.
TEX:What are you doing?
CHURCH:I'm making you harder to find. Tucker! Turn on your radio!
TUCKER:Fuhuck that! If O'Malley gets me he'll get the sword.
CHURCH:Attention all Blues! Turn on your radio and start broadcasting right now!
CABOOSE:Okay, I'm on the radio too now! This is fun! What do you want to talk about?
CHURCH:Well, he can't find you now Tex.
TEX:Don't get involved Church. Omega wants me, he can have me.
CHURCH:Why, so you can kidnap Tucker's kid? And enslave an entire race?
TUCKER:Yeah what's up with that, bitch?
TEX:We have to win the war, Church.
CHURCH:Well what about after? You think Omega's just gonna stop after he gets a whole species for an army? He's gonna take over everything Tex, and you're not gonna be able to stop him!
TEX:I guess we'll find out.
DOC:Hehey, uh Church? It's Doc. Yeah uh, you remember that Blue Leader guy down here? Weuh he's just keeled over. So I I think O'Malley's on his way. Just FYI.
CHURCH:Tex, shut off your radio.
TEX:I would get away from me if I were you.
CHURCH:Doc, any idea where he went?
DOC:I have no idea. And that alien buddy of his took off with Junior too. If you want I could look for them on this computer down here.
CHURCH:Computer? What?
DOC:Yeah. It's showing us the whole canyon. What's with all the dead white guys?
CHURCH:What computer? Well whatever, listen. Just keep looking for him, and tell me if you find him.
DOC:Okay.
SISTER:Hey uh, shouldn't you try to help this guy?
DOC:What?
SISTER:Aren't you, like the Medic or something?
DOC:Yeah okay whatever, shut up you talk too much.
SISTER:Hey! You think I could use this thing to check MySpace?
Cut to the Blues initiating a Mexican standoff between Tex, and Church and Tucker
CHURCH:Tex, is he in there?
TEX:No. Is he in you?
CHURCH:Bullshit, I think you're lying. I think that-
O'MALLEY:Nothing, why does something have to be wrong with my voice? Maybe something's wrong with your voice. You ever think about that cocksucker?
Tex runs over Church and heads for the Reds
CHURCH:Fuck! Tucker, stop her!
Tucker tosses a grenade at Tex and misses, and we cut to the Reds, with Donut showing up on the bike
GRIF:Hey, who are you calling a buffoon? I am not a buffoon. I don't even know what a buffoon is!
SARGE:Both o' ya shut up.
GRIF:Seriously, what is that. Some kinda monkey? It's a monkey isn't it.
O'MALLEY:You fool!
CHURCH:Hey Reds!
SARGE:Freeze, you dirty Blue!
CHURCH:N-n-n-n-n-no. Hey, I'm here to help. Omega's on the loose, and I think he's infected one of your guys.
SARGE:Infected? Initiate Emergency Plan Delta, men!
Sarge turns and shoots Grif in the stomach with his shotgun
GRIF:Ow! What the fuck!?
CHURCH:I didn't say who-
GRIF:Ow!
CHURCH:I think it's actually Simmons.
DONUT:That's okay, that's how all our emergency plans begin.
Simmons runs up to the jeep turret as Grif gets back up, after Sarge hits him in the ribs with the butt end of his shotgun once for good measure
SARGE:Simmons, get off that gun right now!
O'MALLEY:No!
SARGE:What did you say to me?
O'MALLEY:I said no, hahaha! How do you like that? No!
SARGE:Well since you asked, I don't like it at all!
O'MALLEY:Fi-irst, I'm going to kill you. And then my plan to be leader of the Reds will be complete! After that I'm going to kill every being in the Universe. From now on, everyone will kiss my ass, hahahahaha!
CHURCH:Uh, yeah, it's definitely Simmons that got infected.
SARGE:Well no shit. Donut! Initiate Emergency Plan Traitor Simmons Number Eleven!
DONUT:On it Sir!
Donut turns toward Grif and fires his machine gun in to his chest a few times
GRIF:Ow-how-how-how. *gagging sounds*
SARGE:Donut! I said plan eleven!
DONUT:Where am I gonna get a steamroller?
SARGE:Simmons, do not fire that weapon. That's an order!
O'MALLEY:Too late Sarge! Simmons is getting a promotion. Mahaha, mua-
Tex finishes creeping up on Simmons and knocks the O'Malley out of him.
O'MALLEY:Ow, the back of my lower legs! Ow, the side of my head! The back of my face! The front of my front!
TUCKER:Hey Church, I think Tex is over here!
CHURCH:Thanks for the update!
SARGE:Tex I know now might not be the best time, but I'd really like you to consider coming over to the Red team. Technically you know black is just a really dark shade of red. We'll talk later.
CABOOSE:Church, are we still talking on the radio?
O'Malley returns through the air to Caboose via radio
O'MALLEY:Muhahahahaha! 'Cause I'd love to talk on the radio. What? What am I doing in this idiot?
Tex runs toward Caboose, then dumps her body, and Spirit Tex enters Caboose
O'MALLEY:Hegagergerk!
CHURCH:Heuh, crap. Sarge, I need you to do me a favour. If I'm not outta there in ten minutes, I'm gonna need you to disable that ship. 'Cause if Tex gets out of here with O'Malley and that kid, there's noone that's gonna be able to stop her.
SARGE:What the hell is he talkin' about?
TUCKER:Oh. Tex and Omega have some kind of stupid plan to enslave the whole alien race. But Church thinks if she does, she's gonna become the Queen of the Universe or some shit.
DONUT:*gasp* Queen of the Universe? Noone even told me we were having a competition!
Cut to Church popping in to the derelict metal that is apparently the inside of Caboose's head
CHURCH:Oh crap.
Cut to the real world
SARGE:What in Sam Hell just happened here?
GRIF:I'll tell you what happened, my own fucking teammate-
Simmons walks up and shoots Grif in the side of the head
GRIF:Ow!
SARGE:Nice to have you back Simmons.
SIMMONS:Thank you Sir, good to be back! Cocksucker.
SARGE:Alright then, let's go blow up that ship.
TUCKER:Hey, Church said to wait 'til he gets out.
SARGE:Well that's a nice idea son, but blowin' up stuff ain't a democracy. Simmons, where can we get some explosives?
SIMMONS:Well, if you recall, we recently saw Andy the bomb and Lopez in one of the caves. So-
SARGE:Of course! Come on men! Let's got ask Lopez if he knows where we can find some explosives!
SIMMONS:*sigh* Excellent plan Sir.
Back to Church in the depreciation that is Caboose's inner workings
CHURCH:Man, this place has really gone to Hell. I guess maintenance isn't a priority. Caboose! Tex! Anyone in here!? What was that? Caboose? Tex? Omega?
MENTAL SIMMONS:Freeze! Look! I capture someone! I am the best! I mean, I'm the best one that isn't Caboose!
MENTAL GRIF:(voice all scratchy) Great job Simon!
MENTAL SIMMONS:Thanks orangish guy whose name I really don't remember.
MENTAL DONUT:(female voice) Let's all go shopping to celebrate.
MENTAL SARGE:Dar, let's be making him walk the plank.
CHURCH:Oh. Hey Reds. Hey have you guys seen Omega or Tex?
MENTAL SIMMONS:Stop asking questions Hue! We don't like questions in here. Thinking of answers makes people's heads hurt.
Mental Tucker drops in from above
MENTAL TUCKER:Hey guys, what's up?
CHURCH:Tucker, how did you get in here?
MENTAL TUCKER:I'm in here all the time. I have this sword now. You might think it's cool but it isn't. Nobody wants to play with it because it's dumb, and even though I don't let people play with it noone cares anyway. Because it's dumb.
CHURCH:Oh, right. Tucker.
MENTAL TUCKER:Also I'm stupid and ugly. And my butt stinks. Like a butt.
CHURCH:Alright alright okay, okay, guys listen. I need you to take me, to Mister Caboose, can you do that?
MENTAL SIMMONS:*gasp* Why would we do that?
CHURCH:Oh, uh because I am... ugh... because I'm, his best, friend.
MENTAL SIMMONS:Oh, nice to meet you.
Cut to the Reds bringing Church to Mental Caboose
MENTAL SARGE:Jolly good day, Mister Caboose. We be havin' a prisoner for you we do.
CHURCH:I thought you had a pirate accent?
MENTAL SARGE:Arr, I'm not very consistent. Yurrr.
CHURCH:Caboose, hey, it's me Church.
MENTAL CABOOSE:Yes. Hello Church. You must be very happy to see me.
CHURCH:Yeah, right, of course. I'm so happy I wann fuckin' puke.
MENTAL SISTER:(male voice) Hey what's up.
CHURCH:Hey who the fuck are you? Sister?
MENTAL SISTER:Yep. I'm Sister... Church's twin brother. I came here in a spaceship, that came from the moon. It crashed next to Blue Base, and now I live with Caboose, and the people from the tail section of the spaceship, live on the other side of the island.
CHURCH:What the fuck that's like wrong in eight different ways.
MENTAL SISTER:Yeah. I know. Tell me about it.
CHURCH:Caboose, do you ever listen, to anything that we tell you?
MENTAL CABOOSE:New Church is my best friend.
NEW CHURCH:I would argue with that too, but... what's the point.
MENTAL TUCKER:Did I mention that I had a baby but I won't tell anyone how babies are made? Not that it matters because everyone knows how anyway. Stupid babies!
CHURCH:Okay enough. Has anybody seen Tex or Omega? I'm in kind of a rush.
MENTAL SIMMONS:I haven't, but you know who might know? Those two new people that we saw fighting over by the ramps. We could ask them.
CHURCH:Okay. Let's go do that.
Cut to Church spying on Tex and Omega, both in black armour, quietly conversing
CHURCH:Oh shit, they're not fighting, that's bad for me. Alright Tucker quick, I need you to jump out there, and kill'em with your sword. If they die in here, they get forced out of Caboose's head.
TUCKER:No way that sounds scary, you do it. I wanna get back to my busy day smelling butts.
CHURCH:Dude I can't, your sword only works for y- ...Wait a minute. There's no possible way he understands that, fuck it give me the sword dude.
Cut to Sarge dropping off Andy and Lopez next to the ship
SARGE:Okay Andy, we're gonna need you to get in that ship and explode. You think you can take out the whole thing?
ANDY:You bet! Just say the word and I'll detonate. Man, this is gonna be great!
SHEILA:Hello Lopez.
LOPEZ:¿Sheila? ¿El es tú?
CAPTION:Sheila? Is it you?
SHEILA:Yes. It is good to see you again.
ANDY:Hoh, Lopez! Looks like your girlfriend's put on a little weight!
DONUT:Andy, that's rude.
ANDY:What? You were all thinkin' it. I mean, I'm just saying. Someone should seriously consider switchin' to unleaded.
Cut back to the Tex-Omega conference inside Caboose's head
TEX:But I have your word that none of them will be hurt.
CHURCH:Tex get away from him!
Church draws the sword and charges O'Malley, killing him
CHURCH:Fuc- Deawn! Booya!
TEX:No! Dammit Church!
Tex levels at Church but misses, and Church runs up and kills her with the sword too
CHURCH:Awesome, I'm like a fuckin' Jedi. Aw fuck they're both dead. Quick, somebody kill me. Quick, hurry please, somebod- anybody! Please, just fucking kill me!
MENTAL SIMMONS:Why?
CHURCH:Because I need to get outta here, come on please, hurry, quick just kill me please! Hurry it'll be fun, I'm a dick.
MENTAL SIMMONS:None of our guns work, we just have them for show.
MENTAL DONUT:Mine is just a purse.
CHURCH:Gah, you know, never mind.
Church picks up some fallen frag grenades and throws one at his own feet.
NEW CHURCH:Hey can I ask you one quick que-
The grenade explodes, killing both Church and New Church, and Church returns to the real world
CHURCH:Caboose, what happened?
CABOOSE:Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker which was awesome, and took his sword. Also, someone may have been surprised by that, and peed his pants, just a little bit. Or a lot.
CHURCH:I was only behind him like thirty seconds, what the fuck where is she!?
CABOOSE:She took the sword and a Wyoming helmet to the ship. I think she went to the ship to save Tucker's kid. He's on the ship too now.
CHURCH:Fuck! What bout O'Malley, where's he?
O'MALLEY:Uhuhuhuha! That's the problem with living in a Patriarchal society; men just automatically assume they know everything. Hahaha!
CHURCH:Never mind.
New Church pops in to the real world next to a fallen Wyoming
NEW CHURCH:Huh? What is this place? Hey buddy, are you okay? What's that noise?
Wyoming's time loop mechanism triggers, sending New Church, who is yellow, back to the army of time-looped Churches on Sidewinder
YELLOW CHURCH:...
CHURCHES:...
YELLOW CHURCH:Well fuck.
Cut to Flowers walking up to Tucker
FLOWERS:Hello fellas, how's everything going out here?
TUCKER:Not good. Hey, you don't sound evil any more.
FLOWERS:Thanks for noticing Private, yeah, being possessed by an evil force can be difficult at times, but with a little hard work, and positive thinking, you can overcome anything.
As the conversation continues random sniper shots hit the grassy mound behind Flowers
TUCKER:I think you mean hard work, positive thinking, and no longer being useful as a pawn in their evil plan.
FLOWERS:Hyeah, that too. So, who are we fighting today?
TUCKER:Uh, you know, the usual. Tex, Red Team-
FLOWERS:Red Team, those old rascals. Some things never change. They still wearing red armour these days?
TUCKER:Umm, yeah.
FLOWERS:Oh, Red Team.
TUCKER:Hey, I could use some help.
FLOWERS:You bet. And I have some information about the Reds that will guarantee our victory.
TUCKER:You do?!
FLOWERS:Ahai certainly do. Would you like to hear it?
TUCKER:Yeah I wanna hear it!
FLOWERS:Great! Because I'm just about to tell you!
TUCKER:...
FLOWERS:...
TUCKER:Okay, why aren't you telling me?
FLOWERS:Good question. I seem to be dramatically pausing for some-
BOOM, HEADSHOT!
FLOWERS:Hurk, bleah.
TUCKER:Well good riddance. I wasn't giving this armour back anyway.
Cut to Sarge, Grif and Simmons holding guns on the O'Malleyed Donut
SIMMONS:Wuho easy Donut. You've been infected by a computer virus, and we just need to figure out what to do about it.
O'MALLEY:Wuhuhuhaa, huha! No! It's my body! It's my choice! And another thing: why do I do as much work as you guys, but I only make ninety-two percent-
Tex beats Donut in the back of the head and knocks him down.
SARGE:Hey, don't hit my soldiers without my permission.
O'MALLEY:I'm the one who gets to hit mah soldiers. Wahahaha, yeah! Eat lead, world. Drop and give me infinity.
GRIF:Sarge, you've finally gone crazy.
Tex vanishes and reappears behind Sarge, knocking him down, and O'Malley shoots in to Grif
O'MALLEY:Whoa, that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the Universe. Which is odd for me because, well that would take actual work... I think I'll just fall asleep instead.
Grif actually falls asleep inside his armour
DOC:We're here, is anyone hurt?
O'Malley moves back to Doc
O'MALLEY:Anyone need to be killed? Huhuhahahahuhuhuh!
CHURCH:I know that laugh! Nobody move!
O'Malley moves to Church
O'MALLEY:You know uh... I don't really feel all that different. Mha, mhu mha, mhu mhu, mhuh. Uh, nuh, feels pretty much the same, that's, that's kinda weird, ah, amean, expected more-
Tex hits Church in the back of the head, and O'Malley jumps back in to her
CHURCH:Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone? ...Tex?
TEX:Church run!
CHURCH:Tex, don't!
O'MALLEY:You have no idea what kind of trouble you are in. Nahah!
Tex/O'Malley runs in to the ship, where some aliens are waiting, carrying the Wyoming head
CHURCH:Wait, Tex you don't want to do this!
O'MALLEY:Sheila, are you ready?
SHEILA:All systems online. Ignition coil activated. Starting thrusters.
O'MALLEY:Launch when ready.
SHEILA:Please, take your seats. Launching in three, two, one.
CHURCH:Tex, don't, do this.
SHEILA:Liftoff.
TEX:Goodbye.
CHURCH:We have to stop her right now!
SARGE:No problemo Blue. Andy you there?
ANDY:I'm here coach!
CHURCH:What's going on!?
ANDY:Tex is hooking up Wyoming's helmet to the computer.
SARGE:Ready for your job soldier?
ANDY:You bet!
SARGE:Alright then son, do what you were born to do. Detonate.
ANDY:Hey, you want me to start from ten or three? Come on let's build it up a little bit, suspense it'll kill 'em. Ten!
CHURCH:I told you to disable the ship-
ANDY:Nine!
CHURCH:-not destroy it!
ANDY:Eight!
SARGE:Oh well, score one for the Red Team I guess.
ANDY:Seven!
TUCKER:What about my kid?
ANDY:Six!
SARGE:Oh right-
ANDY:Five!
SARGE:-score two.
ANDY:Four!
CHURCH:Andy! Do not-
ANDY:Three!
CHURCH:-detonate, can you see her heading?
ANDY:Two!
CHURCH:Do you know where she's going!?
ANDY:One!
The ship, having lifted off in to the air, disintegrates in a blue-green flash
CHURCH:...Tex?
GRIF:Boo, no explosion! That sucked.
Grif looks down and misses a great big explosion in the sky
SARGE:Haha, blammo!
DONUT:Wow, that explosion was awesome!
GRIF:What explosion, I didn't see it, do it again!
TUCKER:Uh Church, what should we do?
Read Ending "A" Transcript
Read Ending "B" Transcript
Read Ending "F" Transcript


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Ending A

CHURCH:Do whatever you want. I'm goin' home.
Church starts walking away, and Tucker follows him
TUCKER:Hyeah, fuck this.
SIMMONS:Sarge... Are, we fighting?
SARGE:No Simmons, I think they've had their ass kicked enough for one day. Let's leave some for tomorrow.
Slowly fade to Caboose and Church on top of Blue Base
CABOOSE:Church.
CHURCH:Yeah.
CABOOSE:Ya ever wonder why we're here?
CHURCH:You know Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders, and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that's happened, you know what I've learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or a pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant or an idiot or know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise people on a personal level. Not because they're red, or because they're blue, but because ya know them, and you see them every single day. And you can't stand them, because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.
CABOOSE:...
CHURCH:...
CABOOSE:I meant why are we up here in the sun, when we could be standing down there in the shade.
CHURCH:Oh. Yeah okay, let's go stand in the shade.
Cut to Grif and Simmons on a cliff, with Grif watching the Blues through a sniper rifle
SIMMONS:What're they doing?
GRIF:What?
SIMMONS:I said what're they doing now?
GRIF:I don't know man, talking. That's all these guys ever do, they just stand around and talk.
SIMMONS:... What're they talking about?
GRIF:You know what? I hate you.
SIMMONS:Yeah. I hate you too buddy.
SARGE:Hey ladies, get down here! I built a new vehicle from some old Warthog parts we had laying around!
DONUT:It's an ATV! It's Hawhawsome!
SARGE:Front 'n' center on the double! We need help naming this thing. And nothin' stupid this time.
Grif and Simmons start running down to meet Sarge and Donut
SIMMONS:I get to name this one.
GRIF:Why?
SIMMONS:Because you named the last one.
GRIF:Hey Simmons? Just one thing.
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:Shotgun!
SIMMONS:Fuck!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Ending B

CHURCH:Do whatever you want. I'm goin' home.
SIMMONS:Sarge... Are, we fighting?
Sarge gets on the radio to Command
SARGE:Vic. Come in, Vic!
VIC:Yeah dude, whadoyou want dude.
SARGE:We need you to send reinforcements, or an air strike! We got the Blues on the run. We can wipe them out for good this time.
VIC:Nope, nuh-uh.
SARGE:I'm tellin' you it's gonna- excuse me?
VIC:I said no, we're not helping you dude. You blew up our ship and screwed up our plan. Dirty business. So you have your little fight and you leave us out of it from now on.
SARGE:But, but the Blues, and... the winning and the, the killing of the Blues, and the murder! Isn't that why we're here? They have a base, we have a base, they have to die! Vic! Vic! Viiic? Vic! Hruh! Fugahugafuh.
SIMMONS:Sarge, where are you going?
SARGE:To get some answers.
Cut to Sarge in front of the underground computer, with Simmons and Grif looking on from afar
SARGE:Vic! I know it's you, answer me! What's going on? Why are we here? Why aren't you helping us?
SIMMONS:What's he doing?
GRIF:He's going crazy! That's what he's doing. This is awesome!
SARGE:Vic! Either you start answerin' me, or I start blastin'.
SIMMONS:Um, Sarge, we don't know what that computer does. It may control more than we think. Taking it offline might be catastrophic.
Vic's ugly mug appears on the computer's screen
VIC:Dude. You should listen to him dude.
SARGE:I know more than you think, Simmons. If my theory is correct, then deactivating this machine could tear apart the very fabric of reality! But that tear would start under Blue Base! Which means for a few sweet nanoseconds, Red Army would enjoy glorious victory before being sucked in to oblivion! Hahah, score.
DONUT:Sarge, I'm scared!
Grif hops on the radio to the Blues
GRIF:Hey Blues! I think you should get down here. Sarge is messing with that computer that's connected to everything, and I think he's trying to shut it down.
CHURCH:So what? Shut down your computer. What do we care?
The Blue Base rocks
CHURCH:What was that?
SARGE:How'd you like that? Here's another!
VIC:Ow dude! That was my heat sink. Now where the fuck am I gonna sink my heat?
A giant rock spike falls down in the background
GRIF:Whohoa, hey Sarge, I'm really glad you realized Command's full of shit and all, but could you be a little more careful? I almost got killed by a stalagmite!
DONUT:Grif it's stalagtites. Stalagmites are the ones that grow up from the ground.
GRIF:Who cares? The point is, I almost got killed by a huge fucking-
A stalagsomething falls from the ceiling and crushes Grif, killing him
GRIF:Ow.
Vic turns off the computer
SARGE:Yeah, I did it! I shut him down! And there are absolutely no negative repercussions.
The screen starts showing a strange message
SARGE:What the hell is this?
The screen says "Congratulations player! You have winner! Thank you for playing RED vs BLUE Please play the Red vs. Blue 2 The adventure begins to continue again... Coming Winter 2004 soon! Copyright Kobayashi Games Ltd.
SARGE:Yeah, I am the winner of the what the hell am I lookin' at?
A credit roll begins with all Japanese names, then abruptly stops and goes to a Halo 2 game summary screen
GRIF:What the fuck was that?
SIMMONS:That was the weirdest match I've ever played.
CHURCH:Dude that sucked, I got team-killed in like the first ten seconds.
CABOOSE:Sorry, that was my fault. Some guy kept screaming in to the mic.
TUCKER:Bow chicka bow wow!
CHURCH:Dude! Shut up.
CABOOSE:See?
TUCKER:Bow chicka bow wow!
CHURCH:Alright that's it, I'm muting him.
SARGE:Alright, let's play another.
DONUT:Dude I am not wearing that armour again.
CHURCH:Yeah same teams, new map.
EVERYONE:New map!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Ending F

SARGE:Yeah Blues, what're we gonna do? Maybe we can all cry big blue tears over our busted ship. And who busted it? Oh that's right, Red Army busted it! Then they killed the girlfriend, and the gross little snot monster. I always thought women and children first men-
Sarge gets shot in the chest and nads
SARGE:Oh, son of a bitch!
SIMMONS:Sarge?
Church reloads the sniper rifle
SIMMONS:Sarge?
GRIF:Okay hey, we killed one of your guys, and you killed one of ours. That makes us even.
SIMMONS:Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically that means we killed two people, and they only killed one.
A sniper shot his Simmons in the front of his face
SIMMONS:Son of a bitch!
GRIF:Okay now we're even, seriously!
All the Blues level their guns at the Reds, and Grif throws a grenade at the Blues before he and Donut scatter
GRIF:Every man for himself!
CHURCH:Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.
CABOOSE:Okay.
CHURCH:And don't shoot me this time!
CABOOSE:Okay!
Caboose gets in the tank and immediately shoots Church with the cannon
CHURCH:Son of a bitch!
CABOOSE:Wait, what was that first part again?
Grif hops on the back of the tank and pulls open the access panel, setting it on fire
CABOOSE:Abandon ship! Running running running!
Behind him the tank blows up, and we cut to Sister and Tucker
TUCKER:Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.
SARGE:Aha, got ya Blues.
TUCKER:Sarge? I thought you were dead!
SARGE:I was dead. Doc revived me.
DOC:That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to help-
Sarge shoots Doc in the chest
DOC:Son of a bitch!
SARGE:Oh, I'm sorry. Doc will be unable to assist anyone else.
Sister slowly levels her gun at the side of Sarge's head, and shoots him in the neck, spinning him around before me falls
SARGE:Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!
TUCKER:Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it. The Reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.
DOC:Actually I'm not dead. If you could just hand me my first, aid ki-
Tucker turns and unloads some machine gun rounds in to Doc
DOC:Ohsonofabitch.
TUCKER:And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin.
SISTER:Ooh, yeah.
TUCKER:Wouldn't you rather spend your last few moments as a lover, and not as a figher?
SISTER:I never thought about that, uh huh.
TUCKER:I've always wanted to go out-
SISTER:Hey ah, no offense, are you gonna keep talking or are we gonna see some action?
TUCKER:Bow chicka bow-
Tucker gets shot in the head
TUCKER:OW!
GRIF:Stay away from my sister!
TUCKER:Son of a bitch!
SISTER:Grif, I liked him, he was nice to me!
Sister shoots Grif and kills him
GRIF:Son of a bitch!
As Sister reloads, Donut runs her over on the bike
SISTER:Son of a bitch! I can't believe you hit a girl.
DONUT:Whatever bitch! Reow!
Caboose runs off, picking up a large weapon
DONUT:Now it's time to pound some caboose. Woohoo!
Donut chases Caboose to the cliff, but Caboose shoots the rocket launcher at the bike and blows it up, along with most of Donut
DONUT:Son of a bitch!
CABOOSE:I won! I am the greatest! I beat everyone! And now, noone is left but me.
The bike falls on Caboose from above, killing him
CABOOSE:Son of a bitch.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
PSA 13: Let's All Go To The Movies

Fade in to Grif and Church somewhere in the Canyon
CHURCH:Hi everyone, I'm Private Church from the popular web series Red vs Blue. You know, this is the time o' year when we all try to figure out ways to avoid spending any more time with our families than we absolutely have to.
GRIF:And there's no better way to do that than hiding from them in a big dark room with a bunch of strangers.
CHURCH:We're talking of course about going to the movies. Or if you find today's movies to be too sexually explicit... a strip club.
GRIF:Unfortunately, movie-going manners aren't quite what they used to be.
CHURCH:Nowadays most people treat a movie theatre like their own home. And they treat their home, like a gas station bathroom, which is gross.
GRIF:So, we thought it would be a good idea to remind everybody of some common movie-going mistakes to avoid.
Situation #1 - Talking during the movie
Cut in to a movie theatre, where all situations will be demonstrated. A preview rating image is on the screen
ANDY:Previews? What the hell is that? I don't want some pre-viewed movie that other people have seen already! Those are the sloppy seconds of cinema!
SIMMONS:Aw, shut up!
TUCKER:Shut up!
CHURCH:Shut up!
The screen now shows "Silence is Golden!"
VOICE ON SCREEN:Come on shhhhh.
ANDY:Silence is golden!? Ain't there any dialog in this picture? That's okay, I got my own soundtrack. This, sucks. Zing!
GRIF:No you suck!
DONUT:This isn't open mic night!
ANDY:I heard this movie got two thumbs up. My question is, up what? Ohhhhhh, that burns!
SIMMONS:Why don't you go kill yourself?
Situation #2 - Going to the bathroom
CABOOSE:Excuse me, excuse me, I- I I have to go to the bathroom. ...Again.
SIMMONS:Get out o' my way, I can't see.
CABOOSE:It's not my fault the small drink is a hundred and sixty-four ounces.
Later ...
CABOOSE:Oh... Emergency. Emergency!
TUCKER:Sit down you retard.
ALIEN:Honk, blarg!
ANDY:Sit down and shut up!
CABOOSE:Don't yell at me. I have a nervous bladdar. Oh boy. Ehhhhh... It's okay, I I don't have to go any more.
SIMMONS:Oh gross.
CABOOSE:I'm thirsty again.
Situation #3 - Cell phone abuse
A phone is ringing
SIMMONS:Hang up the fucking phone!
CHURCH:Turn that off!
SISTER:God, chill out everybody I have to take this! It could be incredibly important. Yo, whaddup fool?
SIMMONS:Can it!
SISTER:Aw, nothin'. Whatchu doin'?
ANDY:Pipe down.
SISTER:Oh no way, I'm watchin' that movie right now too.
CHURCH:Shut up!
SISTER:Oh snap we're in the same theatre!
DONUT:What's up gerl!
SISTER:What's up dawg? God, doesn't this movie suck? All the people in here're assholes.
Situation #4 - Annoying kids
BABY ALIEN:Hrr, hnnk blarg, hrrr.
GRIF:Shut that kid up!
TUCKER:Don't tell me how to raise my child.
BABY ALIEN:Hrrrrrr!
CABOOSE:I hate babies.
SIMMONS:Oh come on, take the little brat to the lobby!
TUCKER:Alright, that's it, get him Junior.
Junior takes down Simmons and starts chewing or something
SIMMONS:Whoa!
DONUT:I didn't know it was gonna be an action movie. Ewww, it's NC seventeen action movie.
SIMMONS:Oh God my spine, put it back in, put it back in!
Back to Grif and Church
GRIF:So there ya have it. Just avoid a few simple mistakes, and you'll have a fun and safe time at the movies.
CHURCH:Hey could we wrap this up? I gotta get to a movie in a few minutes, I need to get a new tape for my video camera.
GRIF:You're going to videotape the movie?
CHURCH:Yeah, so?
GRIF:Oh, man, you gotta go digital. You'll get a much better copy for the Black Market.
CHURCH:Oh, good idea man, thanks. You know, I just hope nobody makes too much noise during the show. People who talk during movies are really ruining the industry.
GRIF:Yeah, there aughta be a law. Criminals.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
PSA 14: Go, Go Gadget Video

Fade in to Grif and Simmons
GRIF:Hey everybody, I'm Private Grif from the popular web series Red vs Blue.
SIMMONS:And I'm Private Simmons. You know, these days our world is faced with an ever-growing crisis. What to do with the enormous mountains of totally crappy gadgets we throw away as soon as the better ones come out.
GRIF:Yeah, and about three weeks after you buy the most kickass camera or cell phone on the market, you realise that you're already hopelessly out of date. And then you have to upgrade again.
CABOOSE:Soemone help me - I lost my gas powered internet-enabled blow dryer! I have a lot of moistness that I need to dismoisten! And also I need to do it while I am webpaging about moistness.
SIMMONS:Technology is moving so fast these days that no-one can really keep up with it. And only a very small number of people even want to.
GRIF:Nerds.
SIMMONS:So, instead of rushing out to buy a bunch of new technology you aren't smart enough to use, try following these easy steps to simplify your life.
GRIF:Step 1: don't buy things that you can't use. Sure, a combination blender/electric toilet sounds convenient now, what the hell?
The on-screen list comes up in various symbol languages that aren't wing-dings
SIMMONS:What the hell's wrong with our on-screen text generator? I just upgraded this thing!
GRIF:Well that's just great, now our instructions look like a bunch of bad tattoos.
Enter Sarge gliding on two small circles
SARGE:Once again you boneheads have screwed up everything!
SIMMONS:Sarge, did you just skate in here on a pair of robot vacuums?
SARGE:Don't be ridiculous, Simmons. These are robot vacuum smart-phones! You see the answer to today's overabundance of technology isn't fewer useless gadgets, it's more useless features in fewer usable gadgets!
SIMMONS:What?
SARGE:And of course it plays MP3s. Everything's gotta play MP3s - except your MP3 player! It now plays MP4s, 'cause everybody knows MP3s are a dead technology. They're our generation's betamax. And the next generation's Blu-ray.
GRIF:What? Blu-ray just came out. It can't be obsolete already.
SARGE:Nonsense, numb-nuts. Being released to the public is what makes technology obsolete. The only way to stay ahead of the curve is to invest in products that don't exist, and hopefully never will. Like the iPlunger, or the Nintendonut.
SIMMONS:Hhh, or the Simmons two point five upgrade...
SARGE:Aw, that's just vaporware and you know it. Anyway, everybody knows this year's Blu-ray, is gonna be Red-ray. Heh heh.
GRIF:What about HD-DVD?
SARGE:Bad marketing. Not enough repeated letters in the name to be catchy. So it's being replaced with HHDDVVDBVDs.
Yes, I know that's not what shows on screen
SIMMONS:But Sarge, wouldn't life just be easier if we didn't have these format wars?
SARGE:Of course not, moron. War is always a good thing.
GRIF:But what about all the confusing multiple standards?
SARGE:Grif, you know I'm a firm believer in double standards. Especially if they cause you pain and suffering.
Church appears literally out of nowhere
CHURCH:Tada!
SIMMONS:Whohoa, Church! Did you just teleport here from Blue Base?
CHURCH:Actually I just came back from the future. I got this new wristwatch, it's got a pedometer and a built-in time machine. Oh and it also plays MP3s. But in the future we don't call 'em MP3s. We call 'em MP48s.
GRIF:Sweet.
CHURCH:Yeah, you can also play MP48s on your HHDVDBDBD player.
SARGE:Dar dern, they stole my idea.
A loud obnoxious buzzing occurs
SIMMONS:Jesus!
CHURCH:Ah, what's that noise!?
SIMMONS:It's my cell phone. Donut must have borrowed it. He's always overclocking the vibrate setting and calling himself for some reason.
GRIF:Gross.
SIMMONS:Hello? Caboose, who gave you this number?
CABOOSE:I would just like everyone to know I found my nuclear powered and SMS messaging bowling ball. And I'm going to activate it now, if anyone wants to text me while I play.
ANDY:Hey, I told you already! Those ain't finger-holes!
SIMMONS:Look, I think Andy's resting on one of those laptops with the exploding batteries!
CABOOSE:Uh oh.
BOOM!


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Zombies

Fade in to Grif and Doc on Red Base
GRIF:Hey Doc, nobody likes you.
DOC:What? What're you talking about, everybody likes me.
GRIF:Yeah everybody hates you. You don't fit in.
DOC:Oh? I think I fit in just fine.
GRIF:Hreally.
DOC:Yes.
GRIF:Okay, then let me ask you this Doc. What's your zombie plan?
DOC:My what?
GRIF:There's two kinds of people in the world Doc, those who have a plan prepared for when the zombies take over the Earth, and those who don't. We call those last people "dinner."
DOC:Nobody does that.
GRIF:In my zombie plan, I'm going to Alaska, because zombies have no body heat. They'll freeze like corpsicles. It's brilliant.
DOC:Nobody else thinks about stuff like that.
GRIF:Hey Simmons!
SIMMONS:(at the warthog down below) What?!
GRIF:What's your zombie plan?
SIMMONS:I have two weeks' worth of food stored in my attic. I climb up and pull up the ladder with me.
DOC:What!?
GRIF:And what happens at the end of the two weeks?
SIMMONS:Oh, I'm keeping that to myself. I don't wanna risk you turning in to a zombie and knowing what I'm up to.
DOC:Oh come on!
SIMMONS:You still doin' Alaska?
GRIF:You know it!
SIMMONS:You'll never make it, Grif. The major freeways will be choked with stalled cars from people trying to flee the major population centers. It's gonna be nothin' but a tasty flesh bottleneck.
GRIF:I'm just gonna have to take that risk.
SIMMONS:Good luck to you Grif.
GRIF:Good luck to you too, Simmons.
DOC:Are you guys brain damaged?
SARGE:(appearing on the base) Hey, knuckleheads, what's all the yammerin' about?
DOC:Hey Sarge, do you have a, quote, zombie plan, unquote? Hmhm.
SARGE:A zombie plan, of course not!
DOC:See, I told you-
SARGE:I have thirty-seven different zombie plans!
GRIF:Wow! Now that's preparation. I am seriously impressed, Sarge.
SARGE:Don't be, dirtbag. In thirty-six of the thirty-seven plans I use your fresh corpse as bait, so that I can make my initial escape, from the legions of the undead!
GRIF:Well, at least I know there's one plan where I-
SARGE:And in the thirty-seventh plan, I knowingly infect myself with the zombie virus, just so that I can devour you!
DOC:Sarge you've gotta be pullin' my leg.
SARGE:Why do you think I carry a shotgun with me at all times? You have to be ready to act on a moment's notice! Hyah!
DOC:Guys, with all the problems in the world, I can't believe you spend this much time thinking about-
The Blues can be heard moaning in the background
DOC:What's that?
The Blues are revealed walking corpse-like toward the Red Base
SARGE:Romero's beard, the Blues have been infected!
SIMMONS:If anyone needs me, I'll be in the attic!
GRIF:Hello, Juneau!
SARGE:Wait, Grif! I need your delicious meat for most of my plans! Hey there Doc, uh, you don't wanna give me a hand with something, do ya?
DOC:No.
SARGE:Where's your moistest meat?
Cut to the approaching Blues, talking amid their own moans and wails
TUCKER:Hey Church, how long do we keep this up?
CHURCH:When they all go in to hiding, grab their flag and run.
CABOOSE:Brian... I want Brian...
TUCKER:Caboose it's brains, not Brian.
CABOOSE:Oup, sorry, I must have read the script wrong. Moaning... Moaning!...
TEX:Shut up you guys! They're gonna hear us.
TUCKER:Hey Tex, be it's been a while since you had some fresh meat.
TEX:Up yours.
TUCKER:Bow chicka bow wuuuuuuuuuuuh...


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Holiday 2006

Fade in to Grif and Simmons in front of the Jeep
GRIF:Hey everyone! You know it's this time o' year when our thoughts turn to our family and our friends.
SIMMONS:That's why we here at Red vs Blue wanna wish every one of you a very merry Chris-
DOC:Hold it right there guys.
GRIF:Doc, stop interrupting our holiday message.
DOC:Uh yeah. Listen guys, you should really know the holidays can be one of the most offensive times of the year.
SIMMONS:Offensive? Holidays are awesome. You get tons of Christmas presents, and you eat a bunch of candy canes.
DOC:But just think about how exclusionary that statement is to people that don't celebrate Christmas! Or to Dentists. Or to people who use canes!
SIMMONS:Huh, I never looked at it that way.
GRIF:Oh come on. I suppose you want us to chicken out and just say "Happy Holidays"?
DOC:Yeah, I don't know. Holidays implies holy. Some people aren't religious at all. Also the word "happy" might be insensitive to people who suffer from depression.
GRIF:What?
SIMMONS:He's right you know. Each year, clinical depression affects millions of Americans.
DOC:Don't say Americans.
SIMMONS:Oops! Right, you're right, sorry.
GRIF:?
DOC:What, it's a global platform.
Enter Sarge
SARGE:What're you knuckle-heads yackin' about? I thought I ordered you to have yule-tide cheer! I don't see any yules, now get to yulein'!
GRIF:The Grinch over there is tellin' us we can't do the holiday message.
SARGE:What in Sam Hell? What Commie told ya that? I'll kick him in his Kringle. I'll punch him in his holly bush. I'm gonna rip off his partridge and kick him in the pear trees!
GRIF:Doc and Simmons are worried about offending people that don't celebrate Christmas.
DOC:Eeeeee...
GRIF:Euhhhh, I mean the holidays.
DOC:Hhhh still kinda...
GRIF:Huhhhh, that don't celebrate a special time at the end of the year. Is that better?
DOC:The Aztecs use a different calendar. The end of their year is actually-
GRIF:Oh come on. The Aztecs have been dead for like a billion years.
SARGE:For once I agree with Grif. This is total nonsense! This is our show. We can say whatever kind of greeting we want.
DOC:Okay let's all just calm down, before somebody gets too festive. Hchm pardon me, I meant "seasonally excited."
SARGE:That's a bunch of Rudolph droppings if you ask me. I'm not scared of offending people! Just watch me go. Hi, this is Sarge from Red vs Blue. And I wanna wish everybody a very merry-
An XBox status window for GrifKilla51 slides in from the left side of the screen, which goes to black and white
SARGE:Hey, get that thing outta here.
It gets itself outta there
SARGE:And give us back our colour!
The colour returns
SARGE:That's better. Now as I was saying...
GRIF:Uh, Sarge? I'd be careful if I were you...
SARGE:They can't stop the signal. Now, on behalf of everyone here at Red vs Blue, we wanna wish you all out there a very merry-
Sarge vanishes - GrifKilla51 signed out
GRIF:Whoa what happened, where'd Sarge go?
DOC:I guess they stopped the signal.
SIMMONS:Okay, well, if we can't say happy holidays then what can we say, hmmm...
DOC:Just think of something as inoffensive as possible.
SIMMONS:What if we just say "hi"? Hello.
DOC:In what language?
GRIF:Heuhhhhh.
SIMMONS:How about, if we just send a universal mathematical message with no implied emotion.
DOC:Would you send it in hexadecimal?
Simmons and Grif look at each other, then back to Doc
SIMMONS:Yes.
DOC:O K.
4D 65 72 72 79 58 6D 61 73 21
SARGE:And happy Tchanukah, yous guys.


Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 5
Foreign versions of RvB

Fade in to Church and Tucker standing well in front of Blue Base, obviously secure in the fact that the Reds have moved out
CHURCH:As most of you have probably heard, the global machinima festival is taking place in Europe for the first time this year.
TUCKER:Is it really the first time?
CHURCH:I don't know, I think so. It sounds good, just run with it.
TUCKER:Okay.
CHURCH:Now our series "Red vs Blue" is made in America.
TUCKER:And we couldn't help but think how Red vs Blue might be different if it was made in other countries.
CHURCH:Tucker, Europe isn't a country.
TUCKER:Sorry. I mean other cities like Europe.
CHURCH:Europe isn't a city.
TUCKER:Other states?
CHURCH:Come on.
TUCKER:City-states?
CHURCH:No.
TUCKER:Okay, what is Europe then?
CHURCH:It's a continent.
TUCKER:Ohh, that explains it then. I don't believe in continents Church. I belive in God.
CHURCH:What? That doesn't even make any sen-
TUCKER:Yeah, so anyway, here's Red vs Blue if it was made in other Godless countries. Like Europe.
France
Grainy film of Blood Gulch, alternated with text on screen
FRENCH:un film d'importance incroyable
ENGLISH:A FILM OF INCREDIBLE IMPORTANCE
CHURCH:La guerre était terrible.
CAPTION:THE WAR WAS TERRIBLE.
CHURCH:Et j'étais juste un homme.
CAPTION:AND I WAS JUST ONE MAN.
GRIF:Ee la fuck you. Si vous plais.
CHURCH:Fuck you la rouge! Fuck you!
GRIF:Non, fuck you!
CHURCH:Fech you!
SARGE:Kiss ma derrière, bleu.
CHURCH:La guerre était terrible.
CAPTION:THE WAR WAS TERRIBLE.
CHURCH:Et j'étais juste un homme.
CAPTION:AND I WAS JUST ONE MAN.fin?
FRENCH:payé par l'organisme gouvernemental pour l'overtaxation et l'art incompréhensible
ENGLISH:PAID FOR WITH TAX FUNDS
Germany
Tucker randomly bouncing around on the screen in black and white to a techno beat with some frames of text interspersed:
GERMAN:KINO IST ALLE WAHRHEITSCHADENFREUDE
GERMAN:BEDEUTUNGSLOSE LANGE WÖRTER
GERMAN:VERANTWORTUNGSZUSTÄNDIGKEITEN
GERMAN:OKTOBERFEST
TUCKER:Dis ist ein Halo.
GERMAN:VORBEI DARGESTELLT LÖWENBRÄU - DAS "BUDWEISER" VON DEUTSCHLAND
eastern european country that changes governments every ten days
Grif and Tucker standing on Blue Base, with distinctly Russian regal music in the background
CHURCH:Working in army all day, sure is good for the country. I am very proud to be serving our leader -
RUSSIAN VOICE:Nikolai Petrovski.
CHURCH:I sure do love -
RUSSIAN VOICE:Nikolai Petrovski.
TUCKER:Me too. It is so hard to believe he is in power for -
RUSSIAN VOICE:One half.
TUCKER:Years. He does such an -
RUSSIAN VOICE:Excellent.
TUCKER:Job, make sure that people are -
RUSSIAN VOICE:Happy.
TUCKER:And -
RUSSIAN VOICE:That they have wheat.
TUCKER:I sure do love -
RUSSIAN VOICE:Having wheat.
TUCKER:And -
RUSSIAN VOICE:Nikolai Petrovski.
japan?
Grif, Caboose, Tucker, Sarge and Church standing on a grassy field in the Gulch
EVERYONE:Red and blue soldiers go, hey!
Random camera movements, then it focuses on each in turn:
MR. TUCKER - TO COOL! <3 HIM!
SARGENT MAN - STRONG!
SARGE:I am sargeant man! The leader! Yeah, tough!
MR. CABOOSE - HE IS BEING DUMB ONE
CABOOSE:D'oh!
THE GRIFF
GRIF:Me, it is Grif, the other dumb one!
CHURCH:And me!
CHURCH SOLDIER - HE A BIG STAR
Everyone back on the grassy hill
EVERYONE:Go, hey!
They all levitate in to the air with a funny sound effect
CHURCH:The hell was that!?
TUCKER:Dude, that was fucking awesome is what that was.
CHURCH:Tucker, Japan isn't even in Europe.
TUCKER:Hyeah it is dude, they have that union now. That one with the overinflated money.
CHURCH:Japan's not in that.
TUCKER:Yeah they are. They're that island with all the bad television shows.
CHURCH:That's England!
TUCKER:Oh right. You know what man, forget it. Let's just do Red vs Blue the American way. Where we drive big cars, and blow shit up.
CHURCH:Yeah, I guess we should just stick with what works.
A jeep jumps over an explosion in front of the American flag, while America, America plays.


RvB: Recovery One
Part 1

Fade in on a dead red body and a dead blue body. In comes a soldier in dark armor with yellow highlights who leans down over one of the bodies and starts fidgeting, causing a green glow to emanate upon him
VOICE:Prime display activated. Restoring functions.
The voice is revealed to be an A.I.
A.I.:Hello, how may I be of assistance to you?
SOLDIER:Instruction: identify yourself.
A.I.:Executing; I am intelligence program Delta, as created for the special operative program Freelancer. I have been assigned to agent Foxtrot Twelve. Or, York. My assignment was recently killed in combat.
SOLDIER:I noticed. Hold on.
Radio sounds
SOLDIER:Come in, Command. This is Recovery One. I've located the Delta A.I. He appears in tact.
COMMAND:This is Command, we need a full inventory of the carrier's equipment before it's decommissioned.
RECOVERY ONE:Why do you need that?
COMMAND:Recovery One, please respond to the directive. Perform a complete inventory.
RECOVERY ONE:Roger Command. Recovery One out. Delta, instruction: run a full system diagnostic, with detail on armor components, analyze inventory.
DELTA:Executing, result: all components present. Armor at 70% peak capacity.
RECOVERY ONE:Not bad for an old locksmith. Hey, need you to start a countdown for me. One hundred on the clock.
DELTA:Initiating. One hundred. Ninety-nine. Ninety-eight. May I make an inquiry?
RECOVERY ONE:Go ahead.
DELTA:Why was I not destroyed?
RECOVERY ONE:What?
DELTA:When an assignee is killed in action, protocol dictates that all intelligence programs be destroyed.
RECOVERY ONE:Yeah that's what they told me at first too. But you were encrypted until you could be recovered. I'm here to recover you.
DELTA:Recovery carries risk. Destruction ensures that an A.I. will not fall in to enemy hands.
RECOVERY ONE:Are you complaining?
DELTA:Not at all! Just noting a discrepency.
RECOVERY ONE:What do you want from me guy? You cost a lot of money, okay? It's cheaper to recover you than it is to delete you. Go bitch to the accountants.
DELTA:If I have offended you, I do apologize.
RECOVERY ONE:Yeah, I'm all busted up about it. Now, store yourself in a portable component, okay? I'm moving you.
DELTA:You could insert me in to your own A.I. slot. I do not show it as occupied.
RECOVERY ONE:I don't think so.
DELTA:If you are having difficulty, I can walk you through the implantation procedure.
RECOVERY ONE:I don't do that.
DELTA:Are you Agent Washington?
RECOVERY ONE:That's me.
DELTA:Then I understand. You had, difficulties with your assigned A.I. unit.
WASHINGTON:Difficulties? Yeah, I suppose that's a word.
DELTA:In that case, I must insist that you terminate my program. Destruction ensures that an A.I. will not fall in to-
WASHINGTON:Look, Delta, just relax. I don't think you're in any danger of getting hijacked by one of the four dead guys here with us.
DELTA:Three.
WASHINGTON:What?
DELTA:My sensors indicate only three inert human forms. Yourself and one other remain active.
WASHINGTON:Wha-
Several rifle rounds shoot past Washington's head
WASHINGTON:Huh!
Washington starts running
WASHINGTON:Great, thanks for telling me!
DELTA:I suggest you return fire.
WASHINGTON:Ya think?
A plasma grenade lands at Washington's feet
WASHINGTON:Son of a!-
Washington and a white soldier run past each other shooting, and Washington comes up dry
WASHINGTON:Dammit.
The white soldier reloads, then retreats
WASHINGTON:What the hell?
DELTA:Perhaps he realized that York's equipment was charged to detonate. Currently T-minus four,
WASHINGTON:Instruction! Storage, now!
DELTA:Executing.
Delta disappears back in to York.
DELTA:Two. One.
Washington collects Delta and jumps off the building as York's body explodes behind him, all grandiose and stuff, and lands below
WASHINGTON:Well, at least that was easier than the last one.
Radio sounds as Washington starts jogging
COMMAND:Recovery One, this is Command, we have a level one distress signal, immediate response necessary.
WASHINGTON:I just wrapped that up, Command. I'm headed home.
COMMAND:Negative, Recovery One, this is a new signal.
WASHINGTON:That's the fifth one this month.
COMMAND:Affirmative.
WASHINGTON:*sigh* Alright, send me the coordinates.
Washington reaches his jeep and drives off
WASHINGTON:I'm on my way.


RvB: Recovery One
Part 2

Fade in on a light purple soldier with light green highlights standing over a dead darker purple soldier
WASHINGTON:What I don't get is the motion tracker. Noone can get by one of those while they're active. You sure you don't have anything in your logs? ... South. You with me? South!
SOUTH:What?
WASHINGTON:I need you to concentrate, South. Okay? I know he was your brother, but the sooner I can piece together what happened, sooner we can track this guy.
SOUTH:Right, uh, sorry.
WASHINGTON:Don't sweat it. Now, your logs. Nothing?
SOUTH:No, not even a ping.
WASHINGTON:And you didn't hear anything.
SOUTH:I heard him- I heard him scream. I came around the corner, and then, ...nothing.
WASHINGTON:You mean you didn't see the attacker?
SOUTH:No, I mean nothing. I heard him scream, I headed towards him, and then suddenly you're standing over me asking me if I'm alright and telling me my brother is dead.
WASHINGTON:Yeah. You were out about eight hours. North's armor started a level one distress and they got me here stat.
SOUTH:Yeah...
WASHINGTON:Level one, South. Something you wanna tell me?
SOUTH:I'm sure you already know.
WASHINGTON:I need you to confirm it.
SOUTH:He still had Theta.
WASHINGTON:Well I didn't find Theta on him, South. Did you take it?
SOUTH:No, I don't have it.
WASHINGTON:Do you still have yours?
SOUTH:No Wash, I never had one. I was in the implant group behind you, remember? And after what happened to you, nobody got any more.
WASHINGTON:Don't sound so bitter.
SOUTH:Of course not. Bitter wouldn't win the war, right?
WASHINGTON:...I have to take care of your brother now, South. You might not want to watch this part.
SOUTH:Can I, have a few minutes alone with him first?
WASHINGTON:You can have one minute.
SOUTH:I guess I should say thank you.
WASHINGTON:I guess you should get busy. Your minute's already started.
Washington walks away, but not too far, and we hear radio sounds
COMMAND:This is Recovery Command responding secure.
WASHINGTON:Command, this is Recovery One.
COMMAND:Hello Wash, we have you secure, go ahead.
WASHINGTON:I'm on the scene.
COMMAND:What's the status of the twins?
WASHINGTON:North is KIA. South is still functioning.
COMMAND:What is the status of North's A.I.?
WASHINGTON:You guys knew he had Theta?
COMMAND:Recovery One, please respond to the previous inquiry, what is the status of the artificial-
WASHINGTON:It's not here, okay? It's gone. This one's gone too.
COMMAND:Understood. Please wait for directive. ... Find out what you can, clean up the agent, and report back.
WASHINGTON:Already on it.
COMMAND:The whereabouts of Theta are top priority, Recovery One, you of all people do not need to be reminded.
WASHINGTON:No. You're right. I don't need to be reminded of anything.
COMMAND:The mission is now level zero.
WASHINGTON:What?
COMMAND:We need a full recovery of the current incident.
WASHINGTON:Are you serious?
COMMAND:Recovery One, please confirm the previous directive. ... Recovery One please confirm you're now level zero, you are ordered-
WASHINGTON:Yeah. I got it.
Washington walks back up to rejoin South
WASHINGTON:Time's up. I'm sorry.
SOUTH:I always thought, being a twin was, a hard thing. Everyone always finds a way to put you together. It's like you're not considered two people. Even when we were kids, our parents dressed us alike, and when we joined up and got sent to the program, they stuck us together. People thought we were special somehow I suppose. I used to hate that. All I ever wanted was to have my own life. And here I am now, just wondering how I'm gonna live without him.
WASHINGTON:Yeah.
Washington raises his pistol at South and fires
WASHINGTON:I wouldn't go worrying about that if I were you.


RvB: Recovery One
Part 3

Fade in to Washington standing over North and South
WASHINGTON:You're dead now. Remember that.
SOUTH:(getting up) I don't understand any of this. And my ears are still ringing from that shot you fired.
WASHINGTON:It had to sound good for the radio. One second, I need to talk to somebody.
DELTA:Whello, how may I be of assistance?
SOUTH:What, is that your A.I.? I thought it killed a-
WASHINGTON:Pipe down. We don't have time for explanations. Delta, have you been monitoring the situation?
DELTA:I have.
WASHINGTON:Are we set here? Is she clean?
DELTA:Can I interpret that to mean "is South now off of Command's active register?"
WASHINGTON:Yes.
DELTA:Affirmative.
SOUTH:W-wh- What register?
WASHINGTON:Instruction: give me thirty on North's clock. Hold on the log.
DELTA:Complying. Completed.
WASHINGTON:Now, log to Command and include a similar description of South's termination.
DELTA:That would be dishonest.
WASHINGTON:Yes. It would.
DELTA:Executing. Completed.
SOUTH:Wait a minute, w- how did you get him to lie?
WASHINGTON:There's a lot you don't know. We're moving. Delta, storage.
DELTA:Complying.
Delta disappears once more to wherever it is A.I.s go
WASHINGTON:Go.
SOUTH:No.
WASHINGTON:Excuse me?
SOUTH:I am not moving an inch until you tell me what the hell is going on.
WASHINGTON:Fine. Stay here with your brother then. Everyone thinks you're dead anyway. And in fifteen seconds, that will be true.
DELTA:Ten seconds.
WASHINGTON:No sweat off my back, just one less lie for me to live.
SOUTH:Hh, well... shit.
North's body detonates, and we fade to a view overlooking the water from atop a building with sounds of controlled rifle firings
DELTA:I have been monitoring the comm channels.
WASHINGTON:Try again. I need you as accurate as possible if you're going to cover me.
DELTA:Still no activity to indicate that Command suspects South is still alive.
WASHINGTON:Good. That means we're clear.
DELTA:As much as you can be. And I would prefer if you did not use the word "we".
WASHINGTON:Hyeah, h- okay Delta. I promise to take the fall if we get caught.
DELTA:...
WASHINGTON:Right, sorry. If I get caught.
DELTA:Thank you.
WASHINGTON:Now, South.
South stops firing at pylons
WASHINGTON:I need you to test something.
DELTA:I have concerns about our next action. Agent South never rated for something like this.
SOUTH:Rated for what? What have you gotten me involved with?
WASHINGTON:I didn't get you involved in anything. It did when it came after your brother.
DELTA:Agent Washington believes that something is hunting the Freelancers one by one.
WASHINGTON:In the last month I've been ordered to the sites of five different dying Freelancers in an effort to recover their intelligence programs.
SOUTH:Why you?
DELTA:Agent Washington's experience with the Epsilon program makes him a primary candidate for recovery.
SOUTH:Epsilon? Epsilon went insane and killed itself inside his head! And from what I heard from the other recruits, he went nuts himself. Weren't you certified Article Twelve after that? Unfit for duty.
WASHINGTON:The people who certified me were the same people that uncertified me. Which, once they needed me, they did. Funny how the system works.
DELTA:In either case, he is the logical choice. It is highly unlikely Wash would attempt to steal an A.I. for his own purposes.
WASHINGTON:Every Freelancer I've seen in the last four weeks has had three things in common: their A.I. was missing - but Delta here was left somehow; I think that was a fluke.
DELTA:My assignee was killed in an unrelated firefight.
WASHINGTON:The agents were also dead, but for some reason you were left alive. And I wanna know, why that is.
SOUTH:You said three things. What's the third one?
WASHINGTON:During training, what enhancement did you get?
SOUTH:My armor enhancement? I can make a domed energy shield. Why?
WASHINGTON:Can you do it now?
SOUTH:Sure I h- wait a second-
DELTA:The third thing they all had in common was that their enhancement was removed.
WASHINGTON:Just like yours. The Freelancers are being killed, South. And someone, or something, is stealing their A.I. and enhancements.
DELTA:And now Agent Washington is trying to escort us back to headquarters as quickly as possible-
WASHINGTON:No. I'm not.
DELTA:Excuse me?
WASHINGTON:We don't need to. I've been following the trail of this thing for a while now. But once I got you Delta that changed. Now we're the ones being followed. South being left alive was nothing more than bait to slow me down. This thing has already killed four different Freelancers, South.
DELTA:All agents with higher battle ratings than Wash.
WASHINGTON:Yes, thank you for pointing that out Delta. I'm not going to be able to take it out by myself. Someone has to help me, protect Delta as well.
DELTA:I see now. That is why you want me to implant in South.
SOUTH:Excuse me? In who?
DELTA:The only way to properly protect me in combat is to integrate me in to your armor. Agent Washington will not allow me to do that.
WASHINGTON:And somebody has to.
SOUTH:I can't, a-I haven't been rated for implantation.
WASHINGTON:Well, make up your mind quickly. It's here.
DELTA:My motion sensors-
WASHINGTON:Are going to be useless. South, get Delta in your head now, and flank left. We have to stand against this thing here-
A rocket sails over Wash's head and hits the wall behind him
WASHINGTON:Move!
South approaches Delta
DELTA:I should warn you: the first implantation can feel a little... odd.


RvB: Recovery One
Part 4

Fade in to apparently a dead A.I. in an enclosed room
VOICE:Agent Washington? Agent Washington?
WASHINGTON:Sorry, what were you saying?
VOICE:Were you thinking about Epsilon again, Agent Washington?
WASHINGTON:No.
VOICE:What happened with Epsilon was not your fault, Agent Washington.
WASHINGTON:I didn't think it was.
VOICE:We have safeguards for the unstable emotional patterns of an artificial intelligence. Sometimes these algorithms fail.
WASHINGTON:Oh. So then it's your fault.
VOICE:We prefer to think of it as noone's fault.
WASHINGTON:Really.
VOICE:Just a possible, but rare, unfortunate outcome.
WASHINGTON:How convenient.
VOICE:Are you having new feelings about the incident?
WASHINGTON:No. Just the same old feelings. You know, that I had another person in my head, and I got to experience first-hand as their mind unraveled while mixed with my own. That I still have trouble distinguishing between its disintegrating thoughts and mine. You know, the usual.
VOICE:What about the hostility from other agents who lost out on assignments once we suspended the use of implants?
WASHINGTON:What about them? Am I supposed to feel bad for them, er something?
VOICE:Do you think you could work with an A.I. or another agent ever again?
WASHINGTON:... No, I don't.
VOICE:Good. Then we have a job for you.
Snap back to the present, with Washington in a firefight
WASHINGTON:South! I need you out here now! Get over here right now, South! Where are you!?
Cut to South's point of view, which is hazy and has Delta in the middle of it
DELTA:Keep breathing. Hearing my voice internally can be jarring, at first. I am told it helps clear the mind to concentrate on one thing. May I suggest that you try-
SOUTH:Will you please not talk for a second, that might help!
DELTA:Technically, I am not talking.
SOUTH:Delta. Please!
DELTA:My apologies.
SOUTH:Okay, I'm feeling better.
DELTA:Remember to keep breathing.
SOUTH:Yes, I'll keep that in mind. How many enemies?
DELTA:I do not detect any on my sensors. But the gunfire would indicate that we are facing only one. This is an atypical enemy. I can offer no advice.
WASHINGTON:South, I need you out here now!
SOUTH:I'm on my way!
DELTA:I have functions that could assist in battle. Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
SOUTH:Are you kidding me?
South arrives behind Wash at a building's corner, under fire
SOUTH:Wash, I'm here.
WASHINGTON:Good, I need help on the left. This guy moves fast, so keep your eyes open. South, you okay?
DELTA:She is experiencing difficulty with my presence.
WASHINGTON:How difficult?
DELTA:Patient has trouble-
SOUTH:I'm fine! Let's get this guy.
WASHINGTON:No.
SOUTH:No?
WASHINGTON:See that ship? You get to it and take off. Get yourself and more importantly Delta back to base. I'll cover you as best I can.
DELTA:Wash, is your armor adequately compensating for your wounds?
SOUTH:You're hit?
WASHINGTON:Just twice, I'm fine. Movement on twos. On my mark: sync.
SOUTH:But-
WASHINGTON:Sync!
SOUTH:Sync!
WASHINGTON:Move!
Washington moves from cover, and South shoots him in the back
DELTA:Alarm! Friendly target, cease fire!
SOUTH:Calm down, just stacking the deck in our favor.
South steps in front of her adversary, who is glowing, changing colors, and reloading a really big gun
SOUTH:Listen to what I'm about to say, because you have a choice. Wash is dead. I put a timed charge on his body. So if you want his equipment you'd better get it, now. Or, you can come after us, and lose it for sure. So, what's it going to be. Chase us in hopes of beating us? Or go for the sure thing, and find us another day.
ENEMY:Hng.
The adversary runs off to the right
SOUTH:Smart move.
Radio sounds
SOUTH:Come in Command.
COMMAND:Hello Recovery Two, what is your status?
SOUTH:Mission accomplished Command. We were able to draw out the enemy, just as you projected. Sending logs now.
COMMAND:Excellent news. We'll use the data to devise a new strategy to combat it. What is the status of Recovery One?
SOUTH:KIA. The enemy took him down.
South gets in the ship and starts slowly flying away
COMMAND:Understood. Was Wash ever aware of your efforts at any time?
SOUTH:Negative. He acted exactly as the profile predicted. He even set up the encounter.
COMMAND:Return to base, we'll rate you for implantation as agreed.
SOUTH:Negative.
COMMAND:Say again, Recovery Two?
SOUTH:Negative. You got what you wanted, and I have my A.I. now. You won't be hearing from me again. Goodbye.
COMMAND:South, you know we have other agents. We will find you, South.
SOUTH:It's not you I'm worried about.


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 1

"What surprised me most about manking during the Great War was not our ability to adapt to new arenas of conflict... but our willingness in victory to so quickly return to the old."
Fade in to dead bodies in grey armor, followed by a massive reconstruction effort
VOICE:To the Director of Project Freelancer, from the Oversight Sub-committee Chairman.
SOLDIER:Captain Reebus! We've got something over here!
CHAIRMAN:Dear Director, I want to thank you in advance for your openness in response to our Sub-committee's request for more information.
Reebus and the soldier find a soldier in red armor and escort him through video surveiled hallways as the following dialog is done as voice-over
CHAIRMAN:We were... disappointed that your Recovery force reported a total loss at Outpost 17-B. We had hoped there would be at least one soldier left, that could shed some light on the situation. I know that your agency has enjoyed a high degree of freedom with very little scrutiny in the past few years.
PA VOICE:Attention, all personnel: set kilo one, delta one, sierra one...
CHAIRMAN:It is not our intention to disrupt such a, progressive military program; but instead to find a way, we can work together, in a manner that befits all our responsibility. I am certain that you will agree. And we look forward to making this review process as painless as we possibly can.
The red soldier is brought to a room with several large view screens with various displays on them, from one of which a voice starts speaking
COUNSELLOR:Thank you gentlemen, would you please excuse us.
The Captain and soldier bugger off somewhere
COUNSELLOR:You are Private Walter Henderson, correct?
HENDERSON:Yes Sir.
COUNSELLOR:You can dispense with the formalities Walter. Please feel comfortable to speak as candidly as you wish. Can you tell us what happened at your outpost, Walter?
HENDERSON:Yes Sir-ah, yes. I had been there about six months. Everything was pretty much like normal and one day this... ship... crashed.
COUNSELLOR:I see. Is this the ship to which you are referring?
A holographic representation of the downed transport ship from the trailer shows up
HENDERSON:Yeah. Yeah that's it.
COUNSELLOR:Please, tell me what was on the ship Walter.
HENDERSON:I don't know. The Blues got there first. They fought us off while they cleared it out. Took the stuff back to Base. By the time we got a hold of it it just seemed like a regular old transport. Our engineer said some of the wiring had been messed with but he didn't seem, you know, worried about it or nothing like that.
COUNSELLOR:I see. Thank you for that.
HENDERSON:But whatever was on the ship, must have been what started the whole thing.
COUNSELLOR:Please Walter, define "thing."
HENDERSON:The infection. The Blues just stopped fighting us. Some of them set up camp outside their base and trapped the rest of their team inside; blew up their comm tower for some reason. Their own comm tower. Then they blew up ours. That's why we couldn't radio for help, we couldn't figure out why they would do that. After that, nothing. No word from them at all. The CO sent a squad over... all the Blues were dead. They had killed each other.
COUNSELLOR:Please, continue.
HENDERSON:We brought all the equipment back to base and brought it online. And that's when the infection started for us.
COUNSELLOR:The soldiers became... sick?
HENDERSON:No. They just... they were different. Off. We would catch guys getting in to areas they shouldn't get in to. But the weird thing was, a guy would go crazy act up, and then we would throw him in a cell, and he would be fine. Then another guy would go nuts, disobey orders. Like trying to bring the comm tower back online even though we were told to leave it be. Maybe they knew it was coming.
COUNSELLOR:They knew what was coming?
HENDERSON:At first we thought it was Help. It ransacked Blue Base, searched all the bodies... then it came after us. Seemed focused on the guys that were infected. Eventually, it just started killing everything.
COUNSELLOR:Could you describe it for us, Walter?
HENDERSON:Not really. It moved fast, when we first saw it, and after Blue Base it was... it was different.
COUNSELLOR:In what way, different?
HENDERSON:It looked, like it wasn't there. I don't know how to explain it.
COUNSELLOR:That's alright. I know this has been difficult for you Walter. We're going to do everything we can to help you.
Two soldiers in grey walk in behind Henderson
COUNSELLOR:Please, follow these men to your new quarters. You'll be with us as long as absolutely necessary.
Henderson obediently walks off with them, like a dog
COUNSELLOR:You have my word. Agent Washington, what do you make of all this?
WASHINGTON:I think it sounds like exactly what I encountered.
COUNSELLOR:Mhm.
WASHINGTON:Except it's stronger now, and becoming moreso all the time.
COUNSELLOR:Does that concern you?
WASHINGTON:Look, the last mission I ran against this thing, I got shot in the back by my own partner.
COUNSELLOR:Agent South. We feel some, responsibility for that.
WASHINGTON:Yeah you should. If I hadn't had York's healing unit, I'd be dead now. So while this isn't ideal and I don't feel like sticking my neck out for you guys, if it puts me on a path that leads to her, you can trust me at least that far.
COUNSELLOR:So you would say that you have overwhelming feelings of anger, and a need for revenge?
WASHINGTON:More than you know.
COUNSELLOR:Excellent. Now that our agency is under investigation, the Director feels it is important for us to be as open as possible. With each other. If our suspicions are correct, the Meta has made another addition: the Omega A.I.
WASHINGTON:It was Omega and, Tex right?
COUNSELLOR:Yes it was.
WASHINGTON:The Meta doesn't leave much behind. It's gonna be hard to track.
COUNSELLOR:We think the best place for you to start, would be the Omega's last known location. The soldiers there have the most experience with our program.
WASHINGTON:I see. So I should contact these experts-
COUNSELLOR:We do not like the term "experts."
WASHINGTON:Because no-one really knows what our program is doing?
COUNSELLOR:Let's just say the term "expert" is a little too... complimentary in this particular case. Do you still have your old suit of armor?
WASHINGTON:Of course. Wait... why?
Washington suddenly appears in THE FUCKIN' GULCH in older looking armor with the same colours
WASHINGTON:Oh great.


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 2

VOICE:A response, from the Director of Project Freelancer. Dear Chairman.
Fade in to the old familiar Gulch, where so much has happened already
DIRECTOR:While I am obligated to assist your investigation, I ask that you not waste my time with irrelevant questions. My agency is normally unconcerned with such minute directives as troop reassignment. Except of course, in the most critical of matters.
Cut to Washington in front of an apparently abandoned Blue Base
WASHINGTON:Hello? Hello. Anybody here?
Radio sounds
WASHINGTON:Recovery One calling Command. Come in Command.
COMMAND:Go ahead Recovery One, we have you.
WASHINGTON:I'm at Outpost 1-A. Looks deserted.
COMMAND:Roger that. See if you can find any evidence that would suggest where they all might have-
A yellow and angry soldier appears in the base
SISTER:Hey! A-hole! What's with all the noise? People are trying to sleep here!
WASHINGTON:Um... scratch that Command. It appears I've found someone. Recovery One out.
Sister descends the ramp slowly, as if hungover
SISTER:Ohhh man.
WASHINGTON:Hi. I'm Agent Washington. This is Blue Base, correct?
SISTER:It was.
WASHINGTON:Was?
SISTER:Everybody's gone. Transferred. Something about this base being obsolete now, or, whatever.
WASHINGTON:Rright. Where did they go?
SISTER:I don't know! All different places. Nobody told me anything.
WASHINGTON:Well, I'm trying to locate some people who have experience with the Freelancer program.
SISTER:Freelancer? Is that the band we had here last night?
WASHINGTON:You had a party here?
SISTER:Hyeah! I throw raves every night. Charge five bucks a head. Last night, I made ten bucks. Ooah ooah! Nice.
WASHINGTON:You use the base for raves? That doesn't seem like the proper use for official resources.
SISTER:What're you, like a cop or something?
WASHINGTON:No.
SISTER:'Cause if you are, and I ask you, then you have to tell me. That's totally a law or something.
WASHINGTON:I'm not the police. And that's not a real law.
SISTER:Well if you're not a cop, then how do you know it's not a real law? Busted!
WASHINGTON:You caught me. Hey, is there any-body else... smart... here that I can talk to?
SISTER:Hyeah, right. Like I'm gonna tell you. I don't rat people out. Cop.
WASHINGTON:Okay, I'm gonna leave now. Good luck with your empty base and your raging insanity.
SISTER:Hyeah? Whatever! Good luck with being a cop, cop!
Cut to Washington approaching Red Base, and some more radio sounds
WASHINGTON:Come in Command.
COMMAND:Hello Washington. We have you? How was the investigation at Blue Base?
WASHINGTON:Enlightening. Going to try the red base now, I'm hoping things there will be a little more...
A pink popup of Donut springs up for no apparent reason
WASHINGTON:...normal.
SARGE:Halt, in the name of the red- *clears throat* I mean "lightish read army. This base is operating at full capacity. And if you come in here, you're gonna get in to a big uhn-uh slap-fight!"
WASHINGTON:Heuhhh... I'm gonna have to call you back.
SARGE:Don't come any further, ooh la la.
As Washington continues approaching, a maroon popup of Simmons springs out from behind a rock
SARGE:This is your last warning, stay out! I love mass!
WASHINGTON:What in the...
SARGE:Your only hope of survival is to kiss my commander's ass!
Washington continues on and an orange popup of Grif seems to appear from out of nowhere
SARGE:And this is another warning: I know the other warning was supposed to be last, but I never listen to orders, 'cause I'm too lazy and stupid! And ugly. Did I mention ugly?
WASHINGTON:This is gonna be a waste of time, I can tell already.
Sarge pops up in front of Washington
SARGE:Yeah, freeze intruder! Stop yer intrudin' right there.
WASHINGTON:Who made these things?
SARGE:I did.
WASHINGTON:Wait, you're real?
SARGE:Of course I am. You fell for a classic misdirection. I still got it. Heh heh.
LOPEZ:¿Esta todo bien aquí?
CAPTION:Everything OK out here?
SARGE:We're fine, Lopez. Just caught myself a dirty Blue. How many does that make this week?
LOPEZ:Uno.
SARGE:Yahtzee. We're on a hot streak!
WASHINGTON:Uh, I'm not actually a Blue. I'm from Command.
Sarge lowers his shotgun
SARGE:Command, no kiddin'. I didn't think we were due for inspection.
WASHINGTON:You're not. I was hoping you could tell me about the soldiers transferred out of this outpost.
SARGE:You mean Grif and Simmons? Those traitors. I told 'em not to go! The battle here isn't even over yet.
WASHINGTON:Um, it looks over to me.
SARGE:Not while there's a single Blue left in this canyon. Which there is: a single Blue. Victory, or death.
WASHINGTON:I see.
SARGE:That's why I refused my relocation orders. Obviously Command wasn't thinkin' clearly.
WASHINGTON:So, you're AWOL then.
SARGE:I uh... A-what?
Cut to an over the shoulder shot of Sister, disappointingly still clothed
SISTER:Don't tell him anything until you talk to a lawyer! You have rights!
WASHINGTON:I'm not a cop!
SARGE:Hey! Beat it ya little tramp! Ya see why I can't go?
WASHINGTON:Why not just attack her and win then? It would take about ten seconds.
SISTER:You're old and I hate you!
SARGE:That's the problem! I can't attack a girl. So we're locked, in an epic stalemate.
WASHINGTON:You're kidding me.
SARGE:Plus she's cookin' somethin' up. And I gotta be ready. I hear her runnin' training ops every night! I see them out there with their glow sticks and their tribal drum beats: oom chicka oom chicka oom chicka oom chicka.
WASHINGTON:Well. This has been really... informative. But I need to find someone who has experience with artificial intelligence.
SARGE:Alright. You want Caboose then. He got infected for a little while I think.
WASHINGTON:Great. Caboose! Do you know where he is?
SARGE:Of course. We intercepted the Blues' orders. I got it right here. Lopez!
LOPEZ:Sí.
SARGE:Get this guy the Blue Team relocation orders.
LOPEZ:Sí.
SARGE:Lopez probably converted it in to Spanish, so they might be a little hard to understand.
WASHINGTON:Yeah. They wouldn't be the first thing today.
SISTER:Shut up cop!


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 3

CHAIRMAN:Dear Director.
Fade in to an installation of some sort
CHAIRMAN:Due to your busy schedule we have begun interviewing members of your staff. I'm certain you will let us know if this bothers you. Our debriefings keep coming back to a single subject at Outpost 17-B. Can you explain to us what this Meta is, and what your plans are to deal with it?
As the Chairman talks, the scene pans around to a blue soldier with grey highlights approaching Washington down some stairs
SOLDIER:Oh no, hell no. Excuse me Sir, but no God damn way!
WASHINGTON:You must be Lieutenant Miller.
Outpost 28: "Rat's Nest" - Blue Base
MILLER:I got Reds comin' out my ass here boss. You show up and take away one of my men? For a- what did you say this was for?
PRIVATE 2:Secret mission Sir.
MILLER:Aw, you gotta be- oh, what!?
WASHINGTON:I think you have bigger issues than troop assignment, Soldier. How about getting some of these vehicles back in working order?
MILLER:What the hell do ya think I'm talkin' about? This is your fault, you sent us the new guy, he said he was good with vehicles. All he does is talk to 'em. Talk to 'em! What the hell is that all about? And now look at the damn things.
WASHINGTON:I don't have time to discuss your problems. I have orders and those orders say that I need Private Caboose, and I need him now. He has information that is vital to the security of-
MILLER:Wait a second. Caboose? You're taking Caboose? And I don't have to pay you or anything like that?
WASHINGTON:Is that a problem?
MILLER:Problem? Heh heh, hell no. It must be Christmas morning and no-one told me. You stay right there, and I'll get him for ya. Private Jo-Annis. Jo-Annis! Jo-Annis, where the hell are you?
JOANES:Sir, for the millionth time, my name is pronounced Jones. Jones!
PRIVATE 1:Shut up, Jo-Annis.
JOANES:Seriously, lots of people have the name. It's very common. How am I the first guy you've met called Joanes?
MILLER:Jo-Annis, I need you to go down to the brig, untie Caboose and get him up here.
JOANES:Me, alone?
MILLER:Double-time, Jo-Annis!
JOANES:It's pronounced- never mind. Christ.
Joanes disappears to go get Caboose
WASHINGTON:You keep him in the brig?
MILLER:We keep him tied up in the brig. I'm not takin' any more chances.
A gunshot is heard
JOANES:Ow-howhow! Why!?
CABOOSE:Be careful.
Caboose approaches from what must be the general direction of the brig, without Joanes
MILLER:You'll understand soon enough.
CABOOSE:You wanted to see me Principal Miller?
MILLER:Where's the guy I sent to getcha?
CABOOSE:Oh him, yeah, um- he let me out and then somehow shot himself in the back somehow. Uh, but we don't think it was anyone's fault. Everybody agrees it was an accident.
MILLER:Jesus, would someone go check on him?
Someone goes to check on him
MILLER:Hrgh, Caboose, this here is Special Agent Washington from Blue Command. He has something fan-tastic he needs to talk to you about.
CABOOSE:Command? Oh no. They never have good news. Did somebody die? Was it my Mom? Is she dead? Or my Dad, did my Dad die again? Oh no.
WASHINGTON:What is this? I- I don't-
MILLER:Heh heh, you see? He's yours now, heh heh heh, no takebacks.
CABOOSE:Is it my brother? Was my brother killed? That's it, isn't it? My brother is dead!
WASHINGTON:What? No, nothing like that.
CABOOSE:Oh good. Because I don't even have a brother- how sad would it be to not have a brother and to lose a brother all in the same day?
WASHINGTON:No-one died!
PRIVATE 3:Jo-Annis is dead, Sir.
WASHINGTON:Okay, no-one besides him.
CABOOSE:Once again, nobody's fault. Psst! I think the new guy did it.
WASHINGTON:Private Caboose, you were stationed at Blood Gulch, correct?
CABOOSE:Yeah... that was fun.
WASHINGTON:And our records indicate you were infected by an aggressive artificial intelligence program at one point. The Omega A.I.? Is that correct as well?
CABOOSE:Yeah. That wasn't as much fun.
WASHINGTON:Okay, well I need you to come with me. I'm investigating a critical issue and, you seem to be the only person with the knowledge and experience necessary to help me. And I just realized how ridiculous that sounded once I said it out loud. None the less, I need you to come with me.
MILLER:Can I have a word with him first Sir?
WASHINGTON:Sure, I guess.
MILLER:Now Caboose, I know we didn't always get along.
CABOOSE:I got tied up!
MILLER:Right. But all these mistakes, I know it's not your fault. You seem like a good kid. You're just a little, confused.
CABOOSE:Yeah. He is.
MILLER:But I wanna give you a piece of advice. This guy looks like a tough customer. And you're bound to get in to some situations that maybe you're not prepared for.
CABOOSE:Right. Like a rodeo.
MILLER:Now if that happens, if you find yourself in danger, or in a situation where you think something bad is going to happen to you? I want you to remember just one thing: Never, ever, come back here.
CABOOSE:Okay.
MILLER:No, I need to know that you understand. I ned to hear you say it.
CABOOSE:Don't ever go backwards.
MILLER:Okay, I guess that's as close as we're gonna get. He's all yours!
Washington approaches, then leads the way away
WASHINGTON:Great, let's get going.
CABOOSE:Okay.
Caboose follows Washington away
CABOOSE:...Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
WASHINGTON:Just, try to stay quiet.
MILLER:Boys, this is a great day! Things are finally changin' for us. I can feel it.
PRIVATE 3:Should we bury Jo-Annis now Sir?
MILLER:Fellas, let's just enjoy this moment a little longer. He's not goin' anywhere.
Cut to a view of Washington and Caboose walking away from over the shoulder of a random blue soldier who didn't say anything
CABOOSE:I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. I have to go to the bathroom again.
The blue soldier colour shifts to white, backed by some suspiciously spooky music. I think he's up to something. And Wyoming didn't have a helmet that cool, so it's not him back from the dead again. Sucker.


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 4

DIRECTOR:Dear Chairman.
Fade in to a remote base of some sort, with Washington and Caboose approaching the structure
DIRECTOR:Rest assured we have the situtation under control. While the Meta is proving to be an elusive enemy, our Recovery agent is already closing in on it. I expect this incident will reach a conclusion soon, and I will be able to return to my research. Hopefully, without further interruption.
WASHINGTON:And you're sure this is where we can find this guy?
CABOOSE:I think so. We all found out our new orders at the same time; he tried to hide his from me so I would not know where he was.
WASHINGTON:Really. I can't imagine why.
CABOOSE:I said it was like a game of hide and seek, and he said that that was right; he was going to hide from me. And the only way he could win, is if he dies without ever seeing me again.
WASHINGTON:And he knows about Freelancer as well.
CABOOSE:Oh, yeah, he knows the most. He knows uh, all about your A.I. game. He dated Tex!
WASHINGTON:Agent Texas? Um, how could a person-
A sniper shot rings out between them
WASHINGTON:Fuck! Sniper! Get down!
CABOOSE:Huh?
VOICE:Okay, that was your one warning shot! The next one's goin' right between your eyes!
WASHINGTON:Private Caboose! Get down!
CABOOSE:Wait a minute-
VOICE:Alright! I warned ya! Siyonara, biatch!
Another sniper shot misses Caboose
VOICE:Aw come on, what the fuck!?
WASHINGTON:Caboose!
CABOOSE:I know that voice! Church! Church! It's me! Your all time best friend!
CHURCH:Caboose? Caboose is that you?
CABOOSE:Yes! Church, it's me!
Church starts firing at Caboose a lot, and missing, a lot
CABOOSE:I have missed you so much! It has been so long! Did you miss me!?
CHURCH:Fuck! I missed him!
CABOOSE:I knew you did!
CHURCH:Go away!
WASHINGTON:This is your friend?
CABOOSE:Yeah.
The shooting resumes
WASHINGTON:And he's shooting at you.
CABOOSE:Well, at me and stuff around me. Yeah, it is kind of like our thing. So he acts like he doesn't like me, but he really does. Oh and he might bring up something about me killing him, but that's only the truth. Uh it's a joke. *inhale* You could play along if you want!
WASHINGTON:Wait, that doesn't make any sense. You did what? You- you killed him?
CHURCH:Hey, scram, seriously! Get the fuck outta here.
CABOOSE:Hey Church! This is Agent Washington! He needs to speak to you.
CHURCH:Agent Wa- You brought a Freelancer here? What's wrong with you?
WASHINGTON:Open this gate.
CHURCH:Uh, no can do bud. See this is a secure facility: nobody in, nobody out. Sorry, I guess you'll have to come back, never.
WASHINGTON:Oh no, then I guess we'll have to just walk through the huge hole in your secure wall.
CHURCH:Fine, I'll open the fucking gate.
Cut to the inside of the base, which looks all dilapidated and stuff
CHURCH:Okay well, sorry the place is so messy. I would have cleaned up if I'd known you guys were coming. But hey, no-one called ahead.
WASHINGTON:How long have you been here?
CHURCH:How long? Um... What day is today?
WASHINGTON:Today is Tuesday.
CHURCH:I've been here fourteen months.
WASHINGTON:What? Over a year, by yourself? Alone?
CHURCH:Yeah, it's been um... it's been great, I mean just, just it's been great. Really great.
The all too familiar radio sounds
COMMAND:This is Command calling Recovery One, come in Recovery One.
WASHINGTON:You are really an odd group of people. Hold on. This is Agent Washington. I found some blue team members that have extensive experience with Omega.
CHURCH:Did he just say Omega?
CABOOSE:Yeah. And some other words too.
COMMAND:Excellent Agent Washington, please stand by for orders.
The camera pans behind someone invisible who then darts off before Church looks where he was
COMMAND:Now that you have reassembled the blues, you should head to Outpost 17-B. See what clues your team can gather there based on what they know.
WASHINGTON:Roger that.
COMMAND:They want you to stop the Meta at all costs. This is a Level One directive. Good luck Wash. Recovery Command out.
WASHINGTON:Recovery One out. Come on, let's move out.
CHURCH:Move out? Hey at what point in this conversation did you think that we were buddies or somethin'? I'm not goin' with you.
CABOOSE:Yes! You are not in our buddy club!
CHURCH:Shut up Caboose, and what did I tell you about that armor, when we had to pick new suits?
CABOOSE:You told me to upgrade.
CHURCH:That's not an upgrade! This is Mark Six armor, that's Mark Five. This is an upgrade.
CABOOSE:In a Top Ten list, five is better than six.
CHURCH:We're not a top ten list!
WASHINGTON:How do you ever get anything done if all you ever do is argue with each other?
CHURCH:We don't, that's part of our charm. Quit fuckin' it up!
WASHINGTON:Look, I know you guys are all wrapped up in your little "red vs blue" battles-
CABOOSE:Blue vs red battles. No-one says red vs blue, it sounds stupid when you say it backwards.
WASHINGTON:But this is important. Actual military operations. Not your fake simulation stuff. Something is hunting our top agents, and I need all the help I can get to stop it.
CHURCH:Stop it? If it's killing Freelancers I want to start a fan club for it, build it a website.
WASHINGTON:And now that the ship from your canyon is crashed, we think it's more poweful than ever. It gains new abilities every time it kills-
CHURCH:Wait wait wait, whoa- you found Tex's ship?
WASHINGTON:We believe so.
CHURCH:Where?
WASHINGTON:Come with me, and I'll show you.
CHURCH:Okay, I'm in.
CABOOSE:Yes, this will be the greatest road trip ever!
CHURCH:If you say anything positive, I will fucking kill all three of us right now.
CABOOSE:Okay. I will be very depressed about how awesome this will be.
The Meta decloaks on the base and starts meddling with a recording he made of Washington's conversation with Command to create new audio, then sounds the radio with it
COMMAND:This is Command calling Red Base, come in Red Base.
SARGE:This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
COMMAND:Agent Washington has reassembled the Blues.
SARGE:I knew it! I knew he was a Blue!
COMMAND:Gather your team, we want you to stop Agent Washington at all costs. This is a level one directive. Good luck Red Base.
SARGE:Hey, one sec. Any word on that soldier poison I ordered?
COMMAND:No. Good luck Red Base.
SARGE:What about the robot nuts?
COMMAND:No. Good luck Red Base. Command out.
SARGE:Well you don't have to get so te- ...
Meta closes the connection
SARGE:Hello? Hello, can you hear me? ...How 'bout now? This thing gets terrible reception. Only have one bar. ...Hello? Can you hear me now?
Meta sees someone in purple armor off to the side. South steps out from behind a broken wall with Delta activated
DELTA:I still believe this course of action is dangerous. If we are following Agent Washington, logic would dictate that others could be as well.


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 5

CHAIRMAN:Dear Director.
Fade in to a base somewhere, with barricades and people behind them
CHAIRMAN:We can all understand that the shift from autonomy to oversight can be a difficult adjustment for anyone, but especially someone of your standing. In that spirit, we have attempted to accomodate your brief explanations to our serious inquiries. None the less, I feel compelled to inform you, that even our trust has its limits.
Cut to Washington talking with a Private dressed all in black
PRIVATE:Sorry Sir, those are my orders. No-one can approach the crash site. You can't come in. Sorry.
WASHINGTON:I need to see that ship. Check my clearance if you need to.
PRIVATE:I know sir, but, it won't matter. They said I can't let anybody in. Anybody.
WASHINGTON:I have orders from Command, Private.
PRIVATE:So do I. These came from the Director himself. ...Look sir, I'd- I'd like to help you, I really would, but this investigation thing... apparently they've started talking to people within the Recovery force. Now everything's getting locked down. You get Command to call me and tell me different, I can let you in. Until then, there's nothing I can do. You can use Red Base if you wanna make some calls. That facility's already been swept.
WASHINGTON:Fine, I understand.
Washington walks back to Church and Caboose
WASHINGTON:*sigh* We have a problem.
CABOOSE:I hope it isn't a math problem.
WASHINGTON:They've got the crash site locked down.
CHURCH:Oh great. We couldn't have found that out on the radio? We had to walk here?
WASHINGTON:They said we could use this base if we want.
CHURCH:Wow, the empty concrete base? Is it our birthday?
CABOOSE:I want cake.
CHURCH:Can't we find somewhere nicer to hang out? Hey maybe there's like a, cool nightclub nearby that you can't get us in to either. That would be awesome.
WASHINGTON:You two just, stay here. I'll go draw off the guards. When I give you the signal, use that grav-lift.
CHURCH:The what? How do we use it?
WASHINGTON:Just step in to it. It'll do the rest. Meet me at the ship.
CHURCH:Okay, what's the, signal?
Church turns around, and Washington is already gone
CHURCH:God dammit, I hate when they do that.
CABOOSE:When they do wha- hey! Where's Agent Washington?
They wait a while. Exciting, isn't it?
CABOOSE:What do you think he'll do for a distraction?
CHURCH:Who knows, probably like, you know, make a noise, or throw a rock. That's what I would do.
In the distance a vehicle is blown in to the sky and a siren starts sounding
CHURCH:...Or he could do that.
CABOOSE:I think he is better at distractions than you are.
CHURCH:Yeah.
WASHINGTON:(over the radio) Okay, come on out. But come quietly.
CHURCH:Okay, let's go.
CABOOSE:Um, yes, I don't want to. Uh, you see I am scared of the thing that I don't know what it is.
CHURCH:Oh don't be a baby. How bad could it be-
Church steps in to the grav-lift and is hurtled, limbs flailing, through the air
CHURCH:-eeeeeeeeeeeee!
Church lands, bounces, skids, hydroplanes, and eventually smacks up against the side of a jeep behind two soldiers, making "oof" sounds the whole way
CHURCH:That was fucking bullshit!
SOLDIER 1:Did you just say somethin'?
SOLDIER 2:...Whuh?
WASHINGTON:I said quietly, what part of quiet don't you understand?
CHURCH:What part? How 'bout the part where I got thrown eighty feet in the fucking air, by the God damn throwing thing!?
Time passes, and a tank rolls by
WASHINGTON:They didn't see us, okay. Stay out of sight. Do you recognize this ship?
CHURCH:Yeah, this looks like it.
CABOOSE:Sheila? Sheila. Are you okay?
WASHINGTON:Um... what is he doing?
CHURCH:Oh, yeah we uh, we transferred our tank's training program in to the ship, so that it could help us repair it.
WASHINGTON:Did you inform Command that you moved the program to the ship?
CHURCH:Yeah, we're not really big on paperwork.
WASHINGTON:That's actually a good thing in this case. If they don't know it's there, they may not have tried to activate it.
Washington opens a panel in the ship and something slumps out that turns out to be a diagnostics screen
WASHINGTON:Ah ha, here we go.
SHEILA:(lethargically) Hello, and thank you for activating the- wait, where am I?
CABOOSE:Sheila?
WASHINGTON:Program, instruction. Run a full diagnostic, and load the logs from your last flight.
SHEILA:Affirmative. Excep-exception: the system has taken dam-taken damage. I am functing- I am functioning at minimum capacity-ity-ity-.
WASHINGTON:Program, instruction. Override exception and-
CABOOSE:Do not talk to her like that, she is not a program!
WASHINGTON:Whoa. What? Calm down.
CHURCH:Hey I'm just gonna, stand behind Caboose, for a couple minutes. You know for safety reasons.
SHEILA:Port engine destroyed.
WASHINGTON:Okay. I only want to replay the logs from the crash. So can you please get it-
Church backs away further
WASHINGTON:I mean her, to do that.
SHEILA:Stabilizer offline.
CABOOSE:Sheila, um, would you go ahead and do that ah thing that he just said, to me?
SHEILA:Begin-beginning playb-playback.
The screen starts playing the log, with a warning siren and sounds of things hitting each other in the background
SHEILA:Warning, warning, system failure.
TEX:Sheila! Stabilizers!
SHEILA:Port abort, destroyed. Rear stabilizer offline. Navigation, offline. And my system clock does not match interior records.
TEX:Did Gamma get loose!
SHEILA:Negative, but I do not know how much longer I can contain him.
TEX:Computer, what about there? In the canyon, can we land?
SHEILA:Analyzing data.
TEX:Just tell me, can you get us there?
SHEILA:I am unable to calculate-
TEX:Sheila, give me manual control, now!
SHEILA:Acknowledged. Manual control, activated. Warning: decompression. Rear doors, open.
TEX:Where're they going? Close the hatch!
SHEILA:Rear doors open.
TEX:Wait!
SHEILA:Acknowledged. Warning.
TEX:What happened to-
SHEILA:Altitude critical. Brace for impact. Brace for impact.
TEX:Hold on!
SHEILA:Brace for impact.
TEX:Everybody just hold on-
The recording ends with a sustained beep
WASHINGTON:Okay, so after that the ship crashed here. And from what a survivor told us the Blues got here first and offloaded the bodies and equipment. Then they started to get infected.
CABOOSE:Infected? What were they doing with the bodies?
CHURCH:Gross, shut up.
CABOOSE:No really, what were they doing with the bodies.
WASHINGTON:They said their men started acting erratically. And for some reason they destroyed all their radios and their own comm tower.
CHURCH:Okay, okay. That was definitely Omega.
WASHINGTON:You had a similar experience?
CHURCH:Yeuh, similar? Exactly the same.
WASHINGTON:It all adds up then. Omega was the one who inherited that trait. During training they discovered he could move from suit to suit. For some reason he preferred Agent Texas. They tried to reassign him but he always made his way back to her somehow.
CHURCH:So where's yer A.I.?
WASHINGTON:I don't have one. Any more. It's a long story but it's why I was chosen for this job.
CHURCH:Okay, okay I knew I had heard your name before. You're that guy that went nuts, right?
WASHINGTON:I didn't do anything. My A.I... lost control of itself.
CHURCH:Riight. It just happened to do it while it was inside your head.
WASHINGTON:Right.
CABOOSE:We have a lot in common Agent Washington.
WASHINGTON:No we don't. And don't ever say that again.
CHURCH:Where's Tex's body?
WASHINGTON:According to the prisoner, it should be in Blue Base.
CHURCH:Take me to it, I want to see it.
WASHINGTON:What? I don't think so. That's their main-
Beeping sounds overlap Wash's last few words, then Command starts talking to him over the radio
COMMAND:Recovery Command calling Recovery One, level zero.
WASHINGTON:I have you, Command, level zero. Go ahead.
COMMAND:We have a beacon Wash. Pulling the data now. Stand by for ID and coordinates.
WASHINGTON:I received it here too. Standing by.
CHURCH:What was that?
WASHINGTON:That was my recovery beacon. It means an A.I. somewhere is in jeopardy and I have to find it before- ...something, else, does.
COMMAND:Coordinates locked, transmitting now.
WASHINGTON:Receiving coordinates for recovery target. Do we have an ID?
COMMAND:Affirmative, it is from the A.I. Delta and-
WASHINGTON:Agent South.
COMMAND:Roger that, Agent South Dakota. Vital reports look bad, yeah she's in trouble Wash.
WASHINGTON:Yes. Yes she is.


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 6

DIRECTOR:Dear Chairman.
Fade in to some rocky terrain, with Meta shooting at South inside a round, translucent shield
DIRECTOR:The Meta is nothing more than an entity seeking to increase its power, in these confusing days after the war. From my perspective, that seems to be a very common occurrence at the moment.
SOUTH:Delta, report.
DELTA:Your suit's energy reserves are nearly depleted. The shield will not-
SOUTH:How much longer?
DELTA:The Meta will breach our barrier within sixty seconds. I suggest that you prepare your grenades while I divert power from your armor's non-essential systems.
SOUTH:No.
DELTA:You have a better plan?
SOUTH:Keep the shield up as long as you can. When it starts to falter, transfer yourself to the storage unit.
DELTA:I think I would be more useful in my current state.
SOUTH:I'll dump my shield generator at the same time. There's no way that thing can resist the both of you.
DELTA:You are... abandoning me?
SOUTH:It's my best chance to get out of this.
DELTA:South, protocol violations aside, this seems to be a very short term solution. The Meta will only grow more powerful by integrating me in to-
SOUTH:Program override, acknowledge last directive.
DELTA:Acknowledged. Preparing storage unit.
SOUTH:Get ready.
DELTA:Shield failure in five, four-
SOUTH:Get ready to eject.
DELTA:Three-
SOUTH:Transfer to storage.
DELTA:Two-
SOUTH:On my mark-
DELTA:One.
SOUTH:Now!
A grenade goes off at the perimiter of the shield, and Church, Caboose and Washington come over the hill in two jeeps
WASHINGTON:There they are!
DELTA:New targets encountered.
WASHINGTON:Don't let it get near her!
The vehicles all crash and are abandoned and people start firing at each other, with Washington behind a rock and Church and Caboose behind a wall
WASHINGTON:And don't let her get away!
CHURCH:Her? Isn't she a Freelancer like you?
WASHINGTON:Yeah, just don't let her leave!
CHURCH:Okay! Caboose!
CABOOSE:Hello.
CHURCH:Hey, see that purple one? She's on our team. You should help her.
CABOOSE:Okay!
Caboose stands up and shoots South
SOUTH:Ah, my stomach!
DELTA:Alarm, friendly fire!
CABOOSE:Um, she got in the way when I was trying to help her.
CHURCH:Okay we're good!
Meta walks forward and goes invisible. Wash joins Caboose and Church behind the wall
WASHINGTON:Damn. It's gone invisible.
I just said that
WASHINGTON:Keep an eye on your motion trackers, and watch your perimeters, look for a shimmer.
CHURCH:It turned invisible? What is this thing?
WASHINGTON:It takes the equipment of other Freelancers, it must have picked up cloaking from Tex.
CHURCH:Wait a second, any equipment?
WASHINGTON:Yes! Why?
CHURCH:Shit, Wyoming. Cover me!
Church jumps the wall and runs forward
WASHINGTON:What? Wyoming? Caboose, cover him. Grab those spike grenades.
CHURCH:No! Don't let Caboose help me!
The Meta decloaks to fire very large shells at Church
CHURCH:There it is! Hey! How 'bout a little help out here?
WASHINGTON:On it. Caboose! Toss that grenade!
Caboose throws the grenade right in to the wall, where it sticks for a few seconds for dramatic effect
WASHINGTON:That was the worst throw, ever. Of all time.
CABOOSE:Not my fault, someone put a wall in my way.
Washington and Caboose both jump the wall as the grenade goes off, propelling them higher, at the same time as Church fires a rocket at the Meta's head before the Meta freezes time. The Meta backs away from the rocket, walks over underneath Wash and pulls his pistol and aims at him, then suffers some kind of electrical charge and time resumes as he exits
WASHINGTON:What? Where did it go, what happened?
CABOOSE:You don't remember? You threw a grenade that landed in between us. But don't worry, I saved you.
CHURCH:It used Agent Wyoming's stupid time thing from the ship! What's wrong with you, why didn't you tell us it could use equipment?
WASHINGTON:Why didn't you tell me that Wyoming was on the ship?
CABOOSE:And why didn't someone give me something to yell about!?
SOUTH:Mmm, ah... (continues to groan)
WASHINGTON:Delta, are you here?
DELTA:Affirmative, I am undamaged. However Agent South is seriously wounded. May I suggest moving me to a new host.
WASHINGTON:Roger that. I don't trust her anyway. One of you two take him.
CHURCH:Um... I don't think that I can-
CABOOSE:I'll do it! I like meeting new people.
Caboose walks over and kneels next to her, and the A.I. jumps to him
WASHINGTON:Delta, what happened?
DELTA:I agree with the simulation trooper. The Meta has most likely acquired both a temporal distortion unit, and an A.I. capable of running it. In this case, Gamma.
WASHINGTON:Well, why didn't it kill us then?
DELTA:I am sorry, but I do not have enough data to formulate an answer. I think we should simply be happy it is gone.
CHURCH:That makes sense to me.
CABOOSE:I also agree with the glowing person. Everyone else sees the glowing person, right?
DELTA:It is possible the Meta has been injured in some way, and is retreating to repair itself.
WASHINGTON:So, if we can find it before it does, we may actually stand a chance of beating it.
CHURCH:Either way, I don't think we should be hanging around here.
WASHINGTON:Then let's get moving.
SOUTH:I can-, I can't walk on my own.
WASHINGTON:Well I guess you'd better start crawling. If you think I'm leaving you here to escape you've got another thing coming.
DELTA:Agent Washington, if I may. Before you arrived, South attempted to turn me over to the Meta, to save herself.
WASHINGTON:Really.
DELTA:Much like she wounded you to escape in our previous encounter with it. And as I have learned, in our travels, her brother North suffered a similar fate.
WASHINGTON:What a team player.
DELTA:It is highly probable that she will turn on us again soon, and in her current physical state, she will only hamper our progress.
WASHINGTON:What are you suggesting?
DELTA:That we do not allow her to hamper our progress.
WASHINGTON:Okay.
Washington loads his pistol and aims it at South
SOUTH:Oh come on, Wash. What're you gonna do, shoot-
Wash shoots her right in the face
WASHINGTON:Yes. Good suggestion.
DELTA:You're welcome.
CHURCH:Dude, you guys are some cold mother fuckers.
CABOOSE:I just want everyone to know that I have no problems walking. And I take full responsibility for the grenade incident.


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 7

CHAIRMAN:Dear Director.
Fade in to the inside of a sewer or something that comes out on to South's potentially rotting corpse
CHAIRMAN:Your program was granted the use of a single artificial intelligence unit, for implantation experiments. Yet, the department records clearly show, multiple agents in the field with implants, during the same timeframes. Surely this must be a logging error, and we anticipate a corrected document soon.
CHURCH:Okay. I have a great idea. Let's all put down our guns, and not shoot anyone else that we're trying to help.
WASHINGTON:Relax.
CHURCH:Exactly. Let's all relax.
WASHINGTON:Agent South had already shot me in the back once before, and she tried to give up Delta to the enemy. I wasn't going to wait around to see if she decided to do it again.
CHURCH:Right, okay sure...
WASHINGTON:Stop talking to me like that.
CHURCH:We're not talking to you like anything.
CABOOSE:No-one is talking to you like this...
WASHINGTON:You don't need to treat me like that. I'm not crazy, okay? I'm totally completely sane. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go blow up this dead body.
CHURCH:Hey hey uh, uh, green guy.
CABOOSE:I'm blue.
CHURCH:Delta.
CABOOSE:Oh him.
DELTA:Hello. How may I be of assistance?
CHURCH:Hey yeah, uh, what's the deal with this guy?
In the background, Wash shoots the body several times with an assault rifle
DELTA:Destruction of unused armor or equipment is standard recovery procedure.
CHURCH:Yeah, no, I mean is he like a whack-job or what?
Wash tosses a plasma grenade at the body, and it blows up
DELTA:Are you aware of his experience with Epsilon?
CHURCH:Epsilon, oh you mean his A.I.?
South's body is well and fully on fire, completely engulphed in flames
DELTA:Correct. Epsilon was an... unstable intelligence unit that had to be deleted. Its integration with Washington's mind concerned our superiors.
Wash tries rolling things on to the corpse
CHURCH:What do you think?
DELTA:I believe that Agent Washington's sanity is well within acceptable deviations, for now.
CHURCH:Wow, what a ringing endorsement.
A larger explosion involving several crates, then another
CHURCH:I'm filled with confidence.
WASHINGTON:Okay, all done. Delta, I called Command. They wanted me to pass along condolences at South's passing.
DELTA:Thank you. I will be sure to archive that sentiment.
CHURCH:What did you tell them?
WASHINGTON:I told them Caboose did it. Apparently they already have a shortcut on their keyboard for reporting his team kills.
CABOOSE:Control F U.
WASHINGTON:I would have told them you shot her, but, I wanted it to be believable.
CHURCH:Hey. My aim is fine.
WASHINGTON:And yet, the Meta managed to dodge your rocket somehow.
CHURCH:No no, not dodge. It was there one second, and it was gone the next. That's how I knew it was using Wyoming's power.
WASHINGTON:And he was on the ship with Tex?
CABOOSE:His head was.
WASHINGTON:His head?
CHURCH:His helmet. Not everybody is as twisted as you are, Wash. Tex, took it for some reason.
WASHINGTON:So if the Meta has Wyoming's powers, it's even more powerful than we thought.
CABOOSE:And as scary as someone thought it was to begin with. Back to square one. Scary square.
WASHINGTON:Oh great, looks like it took one of our cycles. So, what do we do?
CHURCH:What're ya, askin' us? I thought you were like the big know-it-all super agent guy?
CABOOSE:I would go home.
CHURCH:Yeah dude, retire. You got any savings, like a, 401K or something?
WASHINGTON:Delta, can you shed any light on this?
DELTA:Not without further data.
CHURCH:So why does it want these A.I. things anyway?
WASHINGTON:A.I. help us in battle, depending on their functions. We couldn't run half our equipment without them. And if you get your hands on a smart A.I., you can be damn near unstoppable.
CHURCH:What, like smart like Delta here?
WASHINGTON:Not exactly. He's just the logical one of the family. Smart means something entirely different for A.I.s than it does for people.
CABOOSE:Now let's not go throwing around words like smart for no reason.
DELTA:Wash is correct. We are more analogous to what you would call a "fragment."
CHURCH:Actually, I don't care, so I wouldn't call you guys anything.
DELTA:There is one smart A.I. in the Freelancer program.
WASHINGTON:Delta-
DELTA:The Alpha is a fully formed-
WASHINGTON:Delta! That's enough.
CHURCH:What's Alpha?
WASHINGTON:The Alpha A.I. It's nothing, it's a myth. A fairy tale.
DELTA:It is hardly a myth. Agent Washington, you must have memory of the Alpha-
WASHINGTON:Delta! Command. Offline.
DELTA:Complying.
Delta turns off
CHURCH:Oh. Sounds like somebody has a secret.
WASHINGTON:I just get tired of hearing these things talk about their Alpha. And you will too. They get obsessed with the idea of it. It seems like it's all they care about sometimes.
CHURCH:But what is it?
CABOOSE:Yes, if it's something really scary, you don't have to tell us.
WASHINGTON:The whole purpose of the program was the study soldiers with experimental A.I., but rumor has it, they could only ever get one. So they had to copy it. The original was Alpha, then Beta, and so on.
CHURCH:They copied them? Hyeah, I k- I like that. I guess if one is annoying, then twenty of them are gonna be awesome.
WASHINGTON:The copies became obsessed with this idea of the Alpha, the original. In debriefings they would always steer conversations toward the topic of the Alpha. Where it was, if they could see it. Some even took- drastic steps.
CHURCH:Like, shooting their partner in the head drastic? Or-
WASHINGTON:I told you, she shot me in the back first!
CABOOSE:And we believe you. Even though we don't think shooting a friend in the back occasionally, is that big of a deal.
WASHINGTON:Some Freelancers tried to get to Alpha on their own. They broke in to the secret storage facility where it was kept. They almost got to it. After that they shut down the-
Beacon sounds
WASHINGTON:My recovery beacon!
CHURCH:Oh, great! We thought the Meta was hurt, but apparently he's just busy killing more of your buddies.
WASHINGTON:Pipe down.
COMMAND:Recovery One, come in, level zero come in.
WASHINGTON:Go ahead Command.
COMMAND:Wash, we have a beacon.
WASHINGTON:I'm getting it too. Do you have coordinates and an ID?
COMMAND:Are you sure about this I mean this is how we can be-
WASHINGTON:Command, you're breaking up on me, please repeat, how what can be-
COMMAND:Hold on, I'm not talking to you Wash. And, and you're sure. Okay. It's Agent Maine, Wash.
WASHINGTON:What?
COMMAND:Please confirm last transmission Agent Washington.
WASHINGTON:Maine, how can that be? If-
COMMAND:Please confirm, Recovery One.
WASHINGTON:Yeah, it's him. It's the Meta.
CHURCH:What!?
WASHINGTON:Command, give me those coordinates now.
CHURCH:The Meta is a Freelancer?
WASHINGTON:Command. Command, come in! Delta, what's happening?
DELTA:Our transmission is being jammed.
WASHINGTON:Tell me you got the coordinates before we lost it.
CHURCH:A freelancer-
DELTA:I am sorry, I did not.
CHURCH:You have got to be kidding me.
DELTA:I did receive biocom data with the identification though. It appears as though the Meta is experiencing mass power fluctuations.
WASHINGTON:Power?
CHURCH:Maybe all that A.I. and equipment can't run on one suit of armor?
DELTA:That is an excellent analysis. The Meta is most likely dangerously low on power, and will attempt to augment its energy in some way.
WASHINGTON:Then we need to get to it fast. But where?
CHURCH:...
CABOOSE:...
CHURCH:We uh, we might know where it's going.
Cut to the giant windmill on Sidewinder, and the Meta running across screen cloaked


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 8

DIRECTOR:Dear Chairman.
Fade in to a mechanical factory of some sort
DIRECTOR:I understand your concern that increased activity would bring increased risk. However, our failsafes are simple but foolproof. A dead or dying agent's beacon automatically notifies our recovery team, and we will be on the scene immediately, to secure all the Military's property.
WASHINGTON:Look, there's our cycle. The Meta must be here.
CHURCH:Yeah because, no-one else in the Military would have a standard issue motorcycle, just like that.
CABOOSE:Also, the piles of dead bodies might have been a clue.
WASHINGTON:Just keep your heads down, and your eyes open. I'm going to advance along that wall. You two take Delta and move up along the other side.
CHURCH:Okay.
WASHINGTON:Don't use the radio unless it's absolutely necessary.
CHURCH:Okay.
WASHINGTON:And don't make a move until I do.
CHURCH:Okay.
WASHINGTON:And no screw-ups this time.
CHURCH:Okay, are we gonna sit here on the beach all day, or 'r'we gonna go get this thing?
WASHINGTON:We only have one chance at this before it gets back to full power. I can't take any chances that you guys are gonna botch this.
DELTA:Agent Washington, perhaps it would be best if I assisted you in battle rather than helping Caboose.
WASHINGTON:No.
DELTA:Statistically speaking, a Freelancer would be much better trained to use my-
WASHINGTON:I said no. Now get going.
Caboose and Church enter the building together, seperate from Washington
CHURCH:Pst, hey, Delta!
DELTA:Yes. How may I be of assistance?
While Church and Delta talk, Church and Caboose move inside the building, up and down stairs, past bodies, etc
CHURCH:Hey, can I ask you a couple questions about this Freelancer program?
DELTA:Certainly, I will answer what I am capable of answering.
CHURCH:This Alpha thing, wh- why doesn't Washington want you to tell us about it?
DELTA:I believe Agent Washington is uncomfortable discussing our program in any fashion. He was one of the many failures during the implantation process.
CHURCH:One of the failures- how many were there?
DELTA:Several. The Director felt time was limited, and escalated the pace of experiments. I would classify Agent South as another such "failure."
CHURCH:Ay yeah, but she didn't even get an A.I.
DELTA:Correct. Agent South Dakota and her brother North were merely another kind of experiment. What would happen if one agent received an A.I. unit, and the other did not.
CHURCH:I guess we found out how well that worked.
DELTA:Precisely.
CHURCH:I still can't believe she killed her own brother.
DELTA:She put him in a position to be killed. South rarely worked in a direct fashion.
CHURCH:What a bitch.
DELTA:Other experiments like the Dakotas were common towards the end. For instance, Agent Carolina was implanted with two A.I.s at one time.
CHURCH:Two of them? That would drive me nuts.
DELTA:Indeed. She only functioned for a short time, and not very well while she did. Having three minds at one time proved far too... taxing.
CHURCH:Well yeah, but if Agent Maine has more than one A.I., wouldn't he be having problems too? Like that Carolina chick?
DELTA:Undoubtedly. Agent Maine's power symptoms are only a small indication of what must be happening inside his helmet.
CHURCH:Oh great, powerful and crazy. What a winning combo.
They reach the mechanical room in the initial fade in, and the Meta is there on a lower level
DELTA:Warning. Enemy target detected.
CABOOSE:I see it yep, there it is.
CHURCH:Yes, thank you for stating the obvious. Look, there's Wash.
Wash is set up on the other side of the room on the same level as Church and Caboose
CHURCH:I hope he gives us some kind of-
WASHINGTON:NOW!
Wash throws a plasma grenade down and it explodes
CHURCH:Signal.
WASHINGTON:(firing) Move up!
A totally awesome battle between Wash and the Meta ensues in which the corpses get hit more than they do, Wash gets the first blow, but the Meta gets the last before leaving the room
WASHINGTON:Don't just stand there, after it!
Church throws a grenade and hits nothing
DELTA:If I may, I recommend that Caboose and I flank to the right and attempt to surpri-
CHURCH:Just do it!
Caboose runs off to the side and Church and Wash come up to a balcony, watching the Meta run from the building
WASHINGTON:There, use your rifle.
CHURCH:My rifle?
WASHINGTON:Shoot it!
Church fires and hits the windmill blade
CHURCH:Dammit!
The bullet ricochets 8 times (with Church and Wash both following the ricochets with their heads) before finally going through the Meta's calf
CHURCH:I got it, yes! Did you see that what a shot! I'm awesome!
WASHINGTON:It only counts if you call it!
CHURCH:Oh bullshit dude!
They arrive at a blood pool
WASHINGTON:Look, there. Come on. Quietly.
Tacky sounding polka music or something starts getting progressively louder
CHURCH:Okay.
WASHINGTON:Hey, do you hear something?
CHURCH:No? Wait, yeah.
WASHINGTON:What is that? Music?
CHURCH:What? Oh no.
GRIF:Yahaha, woohoo!
The Reds come charging over the hill in a good old fashioned Warthog
SARGE:Ah!
CHURCH:Crap, what're they doing here?
SIMMONS:Yeah, suck it Blues!
SARGE:It's Red Army! There's nothin's gonna stop us now!
The immediately run in to a windmill blade and are stopped
GRIF:Aw shit wall! Aw fuck this!
SARGE:Dammit! Grif you broke the radio.
GRIF:Good!
WASHINGTON:Who are they?
CHURCH:They're the Reds from our canyon.
GRIF:Double-fuck, windmill blade!
CHURCH:Look Wash, I don't know how they found us, or why they're here, but we don't have anything to worry about.
The Warthog starts being raised up by the windmill blade
CHURCH:Seriously. Not a thing. These guys are idiots. They can't do anything right.
The gun on the back of the Warthog cocks
WASHINGTON:Uhm, we might wanna take cover.
Simmons starts firing it at them
SIMMONS:Yeah, take it Blue! Suck it! Yeah, that's right!
CHURCH:Aw crap, run!
SIMMONS:Let's go! Assholes!
WASHINGTON:Wait a minute, where's Caboose? Where's Delta?
Cut to Caboose's apparently lifeless body as the Meta comes upon it. Delta appears, followed by several other A.I.s of various colors and embodiments that try to sweet-talk Delta in to joining them in a very spooky Polanski-esque scene


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 9

CHAIRMAN:Dear Director.
Fade in to ...FUCKING BLOOD GULCH!
CHAIRMAN:I feel you're avoiding the question. If this target, was already in possession of an A.I. unit, how was he able to secure an additional unit from Agent South? Would not that verify, as we indicated earlier, that your program now runs experiments with more than one artificial intelligence. If so, where did these additional A.I. come from. And more importantly, how did your agency procure them?
COMMAND:This is Command calling Red Base, come in Red Base.
SARGE:This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
COMMAND:Agent Washington has reassembled the Blues.
SARGE:I knew it! I knew he was a Blue!
COMMAND:Gather your team, we want you to stop Agent Washington at all costs. This is a level one directive. Good luck Red Base.
SARGE:Hey, one sec. Any word on that soldier poison I ordered?
COMMAND:No. Good luck Red Base.
SARGE:What about the robot nuts?
COMMAND:No. Good luck Red Base. Command out.
SARGE:Well you don't have to get so testy. Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? This thing gets terrible reception. Only have one bar! Hello?
Sarge runs down the ramp from Red Base to find Lopez standing idly doing nothing
SARGE:Can you hear me now? Can you hear me? Stupid 4G network. Lopez!
LOPEZ:Sí.
CAPTION:Si.
SARGE:That was Red Command.
LOPEZ:Sí. Yo sé.
CAPTION:Si. I know.
SARGE:Were you listening to my call?
LOPEZ:Registro todas llamadas para la calidad.
CAPTION:I record all our calls for quality assurance.
SARGE:They said those dirty Blues are up to no good!
LOPEZ:Esa llamada sonaba extrana a mí.
CAPTION:Actually that call sounded strange to me.
SARGE:I agree! We have to stop 'em. No matter what the cost.
LOPEZ:Alguien caricio otra llamada.
CAPTION:Almost like someone took another call and chopped it up.
SARGE:You're right! I shouldn't be here flappin' my gums, I need to shake a tail feather!
LOPEZ:Sí, usted se va para su misión falsa...
CAPTION:Yes, you should go on your fake mission right away...
SARGE:I gotta reassemble the team! And I know I can't get Donut, so that leaves just Simmons... and Grif.
LOPEZ:...y quienquiera enviado la llamada le matará.
CAPTION:...and you will most likely be killed by whomever sent that fake message.
SARGE:Ah, good point! Maybe I'll get lucky and Grif was killed. Not in a glorious manner like battle of course, but doing something menial and humiliatin'! Maybe he drowned in a toilet while cleaning it.
LOPEZ:Pendejo.
CAPTION:You're an idiot.
SARGE:I know, I know, I'm hopin' for too much. Lopez, pack m'gear. I gotta get goin'!
LOPEZ:Se hace ya. Lo embalo diario deseó que usted se fuera.
CAPTION:It's already done. I pack it every single morning in hopes that you will decide to leave.
SARGE:Good ol' Lopez, dependable as always. Now Lopez-
LOPEZ:Oh dios... por favor. No quiero tener un momento.
CAPTION:Oh God... please. I don't want to have a moment.
SARGE:I know we've had a lot of good times together-
LOPEZ:No haga esto.
CAPTION:Don't do this.
SARGE:You've always relied on my guidance and protection.
LOPEZ:El adolescente le derrotó.
CAPTION:You couldn't even win the fight with that teenage girl.
SARGE:But you're going to be on your own now.
LOPEZ:Bueno.
CAPTION:Good
SARGE:I prepared you for the world as best I could.
LOPEZ:Usted me programó en Español.
CAPTION:You programmed me in a language that no one here speaks.
SARGE:So take care of yourself. And always remember that I'll be thinkin' of ya.
LOPEZ:Voy a ir vedar que la el segundo es tu van.
CAPTION:I am going to erase every memory of you the second you are gone.
LOPEZ:Apenas como ... y ...
CAPTION:Just like I did for (FILE DELETED) and (FILE DELETED).
SARGE:Nope. No words, Lopez. I'll see you again. In a better place. Adios amigo. Adios.
LOPEZ:Vámonos viejo hombre estúpido.
CAPTION:Just go, you stupid old man.
SARGE:I'll miss you too Lopez! Every single day. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
LOPEZ:Menos hablando. Yéndose.
CAPTION:Less talking. More leaving.
SARGE:Me too Lopez! Me too!
LOPEZ:El pedal está a la derecha.
CAPTION:The gas pedal is on the right.
SARGE:Heh heh. Now to find Grif and Simmons. I can only imagine what amazing adventures they must be having right ... now.
Immediately cut to Grif and Simmons in front of a Red Team firing squad.
SOLDIER:Any last words?
GRIF:Yeah. You guys suck.
SOLDIER:Ready! Aim!
SIMMONS:Killed by our own men, couldn't see this coming.
Cut to Sarge pulling up next to the dead Blues
SARGE:Hello? Anybody here? Anybody alive? No, good. Blue sucks! Heh heh. Hhm, I don't think Simmons and Grif would have switched to Blue Team, but if they did it might explain why they all died.
Back to ...everyone else in this episode so far except Lopez
SIMMONS:Wait, wait wait wait.
SOLDIER:What?
SIMMONS:Hey, uh, don't we get a last request? You know any- anything like that?
SOLDIER:What do you want?
GRIF:How 'bout for starters you suck my-
SIMMONS:Shouldn't you at least read us our charges?
SOLDIER:You know what you did. You were in charge of our ammunition. And you lost it all.
GRIF:Don't you think it's ironic that you're about to shoot us because we don't have enough ammo? Also, lost and sold to the other team? Two totally different things.
SOLDIER:Oh you're just delaying.
SIMMONS:Yes that's true, but it's also true that you have to read us a list of charges. It's in the Red Army Handbook, section on firing squads, subsection 2.9c. page 94 third paragraph.
GRIF:You are going to die a nerd. So sad.
SIMMONS:Do you want to die in the next two seconds or do you want to die a nerd with me five minutes from now?
GRIF:...
SIMMONS:Well?
GRIF:I'm thinking. ...Fine, yeah, what he said, section whatever whatever.
SOLDIER:I think you're bluffing. I never read that.
GRIF:Uh, did you read the Red Army Handbook?
SOLDIER:Ih... uh... no.
GRIF:That's because nobody has, except for him. He's memorized it.
SIMMONS:In three languages.
SOLDIER:Uh, what do you guys think?
The soldier discusses the matter with the firing squad
GRIF:Is that a real rule?
SIMMONS:I have no clue, but they'll either read the book or read the charges.
SOLDIER:Okay.
SIMMONS:Either way we're alive for a few more minutes.
SOLDIER:Yeah, we decided that sounds like too much trouble. So we're just going to shoot you and say the Blues did it.
SIMMONS:Oh, wait. I didn't think about the "fuck it, we're lazy" option.
GRIF:Nyeh, I thought of it. I just didn't wanna explain it. Fuck it.
SOLDIER:Ready weapons!
SIMMONS:Grif, this looks like it's it. Listen, there's something I always wanted to tell you.
GRIF:I have something I wanna say to you too, buddy.
SIMMONS:You first.
SOLDIER:Ready!
GRIF:It was me that stole your identity and ran up all those credit card charges at the pawn shops and peep shows. Sorry.
SOLDIER:Aim!
GRIF:Whew! I feel so much better now that I got that off my chest! So what do you wanna say to me?
SIMMONS:Hhhh, I seem to have forgotten. Hey asshole, can we hurry this up?
SOLDIER:Fire!
The firing squad fires, but Sarge drives between them and Grif and Simmons and the Warthog takes all the bullets in the flank
SARGE:Simmons, Grif! There ya are.
SIMMONS:Are we dead?
GRIF:Well if we are then Hell looks just like the army. Big surprise there.
SARGE:I've been lookin' everywhere for ya.
SIMMONS:Sarge?
GRIF:Yeah what?
SARGE:What in hell are you two doing?
SIMMONS:We're being executed by our own men, Sir.
SARGE:Cut it out. I need you guys to come with me. Command has a secret mission for us.
SOLDIER:Who the hell is this guy?
SARGE:Oh, what is this? Insubordination?
Sarge punches the Soldier in the face with his shotgun
SARGE:Heyah! Come on you two, let's get a move on! Where's yer commanding officer?
SIMMONS:(pointing at Grif) He's right there.
SARGE:... Where, behind Grif?
SIMMONS:Sargeant Grif is our C.O., Sir.
SARGE:Your Sargeant has the same name as Grif? That's a disturbing coincidence.
SIMMONS:No no listen to me. Grif is our commander. He was promoted to Sargeant when you refused to relocate with us.
SARGE:But who's in charge!?
SIMMONS:Sargeant Grif!
SARGE:Okay see, I can hear you saying words, but it's like they don't match up in a way that makes sense. Did ya have a stroke?
SIMMONS:Grif is a Sargeant. He's the same rank as you now.
SARGE:That's who I'm talkin' about. Where is he?
SIMMONS:He's right there!
SARGE:So, he's invisible.
GRIF:Dude, I don't think he's physically capable of understanding what you're telling him.
SOLDIER:Does this mean we get a new Sargeant now? Awesome, 'cause this one sucks.
Sarge punches the soldier in the back of the head this time and knocks him down again
SARGE:Gah. Never talk that way about a superior.
GRIF:Did Sargey just call me superior? I heard it, Simmons is a witness!
SIMMONS:I don't even wanna get involved.
SARGE:What's going on in this outpost? Insubordination, invisible Sargeants, Simmons has had a stroke!
GRIF:It totally counts.
SARGE:You two just get in the jeep. We're gettin' out of here. I'll explain on the way.
SIMMONS:Shotgun!
GRIF:I outrank you, get in the back.
SIMMONS:Fuck!
SARGE:Son, tell your Sargeant I'm taking these two with me. He can call Command for verification.
SOLDIER:But, you're taking our Sargeant.
SARGE:What? I can't hear you!
The jeep drives away
SARGE:Engine's too loud.
SOLDIER:What the hell just happened?
SOLDIER 2:Hey guys? The Blues are all dead.
SOLDIER:Euh, I'm going to go lie down./td>


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 10

DIRECTOR:Dear Chairman.
Fade in to the firefight between the Reds and the Blues
DIRECTOR:Our records in this matter are impeccable, and I will refer you to them. It is true that we were granted the use of only one A.I. program, yet with special permission to conduct our experiments. That is all we were allowed to do, and that is all we have done. Of course, I am sure that you will agree, that the core mission of any scientific endeavour, is to find creative solutions to ...unexpected problems.
WASHINGTON:Where did these guys come from?
CHURCH:I have no clue!
WASHINGTON:Do you think they're working with the Meta?
CHURCH:Working with them? These guys don't do much working of any kind, so... no.
WASHINGTON:Look, there's Caboose.
CHURCH:Is he dead?
WASHINGTON:Hold on. Let me pull up the biocomm. Check his pulse rate.
Wash does just that while looking at Church
CHURCH:Uh... you can monitor our vitals?
WASHINGTON:I can check on the whole squad during combat. Keeps me up to date. It doesn't work on you for some reason.
CHURCH:Yeah uh ah, sure there's a... perfectly, logical, explanation for that.
WASHINGTON:We need to get to him. My HUD says he's alive but hurt.
Church ducks out and fires up at Caboose, then comes back in
CHURCH:How 'bout now?
WASHINGTON:Stop that! And you missed him.
CHURCH:Fuck! Sun was in my eyes.
Cut over to the Reds, firing from behind cover.
SARGE:Simmons, keep firing. Don't let up!
SIMMONS:Yes Sir!
GRIF:And get the grenades out there!
SIMMONS:Yes Sirs!
SARGE:Grif, stop confusing everybody. I'm callin' the shots.
GRIF:We're the same rank now, I can do whatever I want.
SARGE:You're not qualified to lead in battle!
GRIF:Qualified? How hard could it be? Simmons, you're doing a terrible job, and you should try to win harder. I mean try harder. To win.
SARGE:That was awful.
GRIF:I learned it by watching you.
SIMMONS:Excuse me Sir.
GRIF AND  SARGE:What?
SIMMONS:*sigh* Never mind.
Cut to the Meta watching the fight on a video screen, and changing colour to red
SARGE:(on the screen) Simmons, aim for his bullets! Try to deflect them in mid air. Grif, come here! Your face can be used as a shield.
The Meta walks down toward the battle, and the screen he was looking at starts flashing "Generator Malfunction". Cut back to Wash and Church
WASHINGTON:We have to end this. Caboose is hurt, he could be losing blood.
CHURCH:Ah, let him be. A little brain damage might actually be good for him.
WASHINGTON:Well what about Delta? The Meta could have grabbed him, or he could be trying to-
All at once power goes out
GRIF:What was that?
CHURCH:What was that?
WASHINGTON:Oh no.
Power comes back on
WASHINGTON:The Meta! He must be powering up. We can't waste any more time with this nonsense.
Washington steps out and starts talking through a built-in megaphone of some sort
WASHINGTON:Red Team. Attention, Red Team. Cease fire. Cease, fire.
CHURCH:Hey how do you do that megaphone thing with your voice?
WASHINGTON:It's a voice amplifier. It's standard issue, all our suits have one.
CHURCH:They do?
SARGE:What do you want?
GRIF:Yeah, what do you want?
SARGE:Shut up, Grif!
GRIF:That's "shut up Grif Sir."
WASHINGTON:We are not your enemy. My name is Agent Washington. I am part of a special task force-
CHURCH:Testing, te- holy shit, it does work! This is badass.
WASHINGTON:Stop that!
CHURCH:Ah! Don't use that thing right next to me. You're killing my ears ya douche.
SARGE:Wahoh no, we're not fallin' for that again.
WASHINGTON:I am a special agent. From Command!
CHURCH:And this is the voice of God. Give up your evil ways. Join the Blue Team-
Washington punches him
CHURCH:Ow! Hey come on, seriously, you're gonna break it.
SARGE:Haw yeah, well, if you're Command, then you'd know our secure code word, wouldn't you?
WASHINGTON:What? Oh right. Hold on one sec. The code word is... code word?
SARGE:Baw, dahngit.
SIMMONS:Sir, what did I tell you about that?
SARGE:Alright men, stand down.
GRIF:Stand down? We outnumber them three to two. That's like a three with a two, that's thirty-two percent advantage. You carry the one.
SIMMONS:I don't wanna know how you came up with that, but you're actually right. What do you care though, I thought you loved giving up in the middle of battle.
GRIF:Doesn't mean I wanna die.
SARGE:Gentlemen. They know the code word. There's nothin' we can do.
GRIF:Everybody knows our code word!
SARGE:Alright, let's try negotiating. Grif, I want you to get out there. See what they want. But first leave your weapons and armor here so they don't feel threatened. Check that; take your weapon and give it to them.
GRIF:No. Sarge, you may not think that I'm a good leader, but something about those Blues just doesn't feel right. And I have an uncanny sixth sense. So if you won't help me, I'll just have to get the local Reds to. This guy looks legit. Maybe he can help.
Grif heads over to the Meta, who walked over next to a jeep while he was talking
SARGE:Grif, get back here! You don't know anything about those soldiers. To them Blue could be Red, or Red could be Blue or, they could be an opposite map.
GRIF:Shut up old man, and watch how a real leader works. Hey there, soldier! What's your name?
META:*some kind of swooshing sound*
GRIF:Huh, sounds like somebody has a cold. Anyway, listen. I need your help with some...
The Meta lifts up the jeep
GRIF:...thing. Wow. That's a cool trick. How did you do...
The Meta turns toward Grif
GRIF:Uhm... I uh...
Cut to Church and Wash
CHURCH:Man. It got pretty quiet out there. You don't think they're really working with the Meta, do you?
Grif runs by, chased by a tumbling jeep
GRIF:Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God!
WASHINGTON:...No.


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 11

CHAIRMAN:Dear Director.
Fade in to the scene of the fight
CHAIRMAN:Do your "creative solutions" include the circumvention of the safety protocols that every member of the Military must follow? If they do not, then I fail to see how an enemy has managed to secure not one, but several of your experimental A.I.s. The protocol is not a guideline, dear Director, it is doctrine. And no-one is above its rule.
GRIF:Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God!
CHURCH:Oh my God, that guy got fucked up!
GRIF:What the hell was that!?
CHURCH:Aw, he lived? That's bullshit.
SARGE:Grif, if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times, you gotta pay attention in battle! You can't let yourself get distracted by- oh crap, flying jeep.
SIMMONS:Run!
Simmons and Sarge retreat, chased by several falling objects of considerable size and mass
CHURCH:Well. Guess they're definitely not workin' together.
WASHINGTON:Now that he's powered up he's just killing everything. We're next.
SARGE:Move it or lose it.
SIMMONS:Yeah come on, skootch, skootch.
CHURCH:Hey. Get out of here Reds. This is our cover.
SIMMONS:What is that thing?
CHURCH:You guys remember Tex?
SIMMONS:Yeheah, the girl who kicked our asses all the time?
CHURCH:Yeah well this thing's like, eight of her.
WASHINGTON:It must be at full power now. Church, you and the Reds keep it busy. I'm going to help Caboose.
Washington runs off
SIMMONS:Did he say keep it busy?
CHURCH:Yeah...
SIMMONS:How the hell do we do that?
SARGE:Looks like Grif is doing a pretty good job already.
Cut to a pile of objects of considerable size and mass, with more arriving regularly, and Grif behind it
GRIF:Okay I get it! Stop throwing things at me you fucking jackass!
SARGE:Keep up the good work, Grif!
GRIF:Ow! Okay, that could have taken out an eye.
Cut to Wash arriving at Caboose's limp body
WASHINGTON:(whispering) Caboose. Are you okay? Caboose. Dammit. Delta, are you here? Delta?
Radio sounds
WASHINGTON:Church, I have Caboose. He's hurt, but I'm going to keep him alive with a healing unit. How are you doing with the Meta?
CHURCH:Eheee! We're dying!
WASHINGTON:Oh great.
Cut back to everyone else except Grif as a jeep skids past the hole they're all cowering in
SARGE:Hey, come on. We've still got payments left on that thing. You'd better not scratch the paint job.
META:*weird swooshing animal-like sounds? I guess?*
WASHINGTON:Hi. Remember me?
Wash approaches and fires at the Meta with a fucking chain gun, and the Meta slows time, changes back to white, and leaves
WASHINGTON:It's gone! Dammit! You idiots, we almost had it!
SIMMONS:Almost had it? We never even hurt it!
CHURCH:He means before you got here! We had it crippled and you guys showed up and fucked everything up!
SARGE:Aw yeah. You guys looked like you had everything under control before we got here.
CHURCH:Hey up yers Red. I don't see you doing anything heroic.
SIMMONS:It threw our car at us.
GRIF:I'm fine by the way, just in case anyone's wondering.
WASHINGTON:Well, the three of you are staying with us now. I can't possibly hope to fight the Meta in this state with just Church and ...Caboose!
CHURCH:(at the same time) Caboose!
Cut to everyone up with Caboose, still passed out peacefully
CHURCH:Wash, what's the verdict?
WASHINGTON:I don't know. He seems okay. I think he was knocked out, I just can't get him to come out of it.
CABOOSE:(mumbling) Whuh, I, memory is the key,
WASHINGTON:What's he mumbling?
CHURCH:I can't make it out, but... I don't really understand half the stuff he says normally.
WASHINGTON:This makes no sense. All his vitals check out. Now why can't I revive him? Hey do you guys know a medic around here by any chance?
THE REDS:No!
CHURCH:Well maybe removing Delta did something to him. Like a, duh a coma or somethin'.
WASHINGTON:Yeah, but there's no way to know that for sure. Unless you have a way to see inside his head. Prep him for evac, I'll put in a call to Command and get an extract going. This is Recovery One calling Command. Come in Command...
Washington wanders off up the ramp
SIMMONS:Hey Blue, why don't you do that thing? You know, the thing you do. The ghost thing.
CHURCH:Yeah, this guy doesn't know about that, so I don't really wanna let him know and freak him out. Why don't you go keep him occupied, I'll see what I can do.
Simmons heads up to join Wash
SIMMONS:Hey Agent Washington, I think it turns out we do know a medic after all. But he's really far away. Maybe if we run around this corner right here we'll get better reception.
Church crouches down and leaves his body, then re-enters Caboose's twisted twisted mind
CHURCH:Euh. I hate coming here.
MENTAL WASH:Hello.
CHURCH:Agent Washington?
MENTAL WASH:Yes. I am Agent Washing Tub. How are you doing, Caboose's best friend?
CHURCH:Oh, right. Hi Agent Washington.
MENTAL WASH:What is this place?
CHURCH:This is Caboose's mind, so everybody here is pretty much as Caboose sees the world. That means everyone's gonna be either really happy or, make no sense whatsoever.
MENTAL WASH:I see. That's valuable information. I will take that information, and I will keep it in a special folder marked secret. Everyone knows, that is the best security there is.
CHURCH:I see.
MENTAL WASH:Don't tell anyone I told you that.
CHURCH:Actually you act a lot like you do on the outside.
MENTAL WASH:I would like to think that's because I present myself in a very clear and consistent manner. Now if you will excuse me, I need to scare some people who are just trying to help me, and then go fight monsters and robots from the future. Freelancer power, activate!
Mental Wash leaves
CHURCH:Yeah, okay, good luck with that.
Delta appears, as a normal person... but still green like snot
DELTA:Hello Church.
CHURCH:Delta?
MENTAL CABOOSE:Yes, this is my new friend Delta. I believe he has information for you.
CHURCH:Awesome!
DELTA:Unfortunately, I have been taken by the Meta. This is merely a memory I left in Caboose's mind to help you along your way.
CHURCH:Well then how are you talking to me?
DELTA:I am not. I merely used logic to determine what questions you would ask, and in what order. Then I left the appropriate responses.
CHURCH:Oh really.
DELTA:Yes. Really. I left this memory in case you found it. Please tell Agent Washington, that memory is the key.
MENTAL CABOOSE:Memory is the key.
CHURCH:Memory is the key? What does that mean?
DELTA:Wash will know.
CHURCH:Okay seriously, does it have to be a riddle? Can't you just tell me what you want me to do? How hard would that be? I bet this is your fault somehow.
MENTAL CABOOSE:I just work here.
CHURCH:Well if you're in the Meta, then why don't you just help us from the inside?
DELTA:Church, I have to be objective. The next time you see me, I may not want you to help me.
Church pops out of Caboose
CHURCH:Delta, Delta wait, memory is the key? What about the Meta, what about-
GRIF:Uh, dude?
SIMMONS:Yeah, turns out I'm not so good at distracting.
CHURCH:Wash, don't panic, I can explain.
GRIF:Yeah, see when Simmons was boring you with random conversation about nerd stuff, he was really just trying to distract you from what the blue guy here was doing.
SARGE:He means explain the fact that he's a ghost.
GRIF:Oh, right. Yeah, he can explain that part too.
SARGE:Idiot.


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 12

DIRECTOR:Dear Chairman.
Fade in to Caboose's mind
DIRECTOR:I too hold the protocol in the highest regard. The doctrine kept us all safe durin' the great war. If you are insinuating Sir, that we violated it in any way, or that we were derelict in our duty to the military, well then I suggest you be direct, and tell me exactly how we did so.
Cut to Church's ghost standing over Caboose's body, surrounded by everyone else
WASHINGTON:What is going on.
CHURCH:Wash, stay calm. We can explain.
WASHINGTON:I don't want explanations, I want the truth. Now. When were you gonna tell me about this?
CHURCH:Okay, maybe I should start from the beginning. You see, Caboose here, killed me by accident once. Well actually, more than once.
CABOOSE:Not my fault. Tucker did it.
CHURCH:Shut up.
WASHINGTON:He killed you. As in... dead.
SARGE:Then we reached an agreement. I built Blue over here a new body-
CHURCH:Agreement? More like we kicked your ass, and you didn't have much of a choice of what you wanted to do.
SARGE:Who kicked what now?
SIMMONS:What're you an idiot?
SARGE:You wanna take that back.
CHURCH:You guys totally gave up!
GRIF:Bullshit.
CHURCH:That was the time that Texas kicked your asses all over-
WASHINGTON:Stop. Focus. How did you build him a body?
SARGE:With a robot kit of course. I'd already used ours to build our helper. Lopez.
SIMMONS:And a mighty fine job you did too, Sir.
GRIF:Yeheah, it's always great to have a helper no-one can understand.
SARGE:Blue Team hadn't used theirs for some reason, and they even had an extra. We used that for your buddy uh, whatsername.
WASHINGTON:And that didn't strike anyone as odd? That you would have a kit to build a robot that looks like a soldier?
SIMMONS:That's just standard issue equipment. Right?
WASHINGTON:What? No. Have you ever run in to anyone else who has one?
SIMMONS:We don't really get out that often.
SARGE:Okay, smart guy. If they're so rare, then why did Command send us upgraded ones when we were told to ship out to Rat's Nest?
CHURCH:You guys went to Rat's Nest too?
SARGE:I used some of the spare parts to spruce up Lopez.
SIMMONS:Spare parts? Did you fix his voice thing?
SARGE:You know, I didn't even think about that until just this second. Kind of obvious in hindsight. Probably best not to mention it to him if you see him.
SIMMONS:Meh, he wouldn't understand anyway.
CHURCH:Your team sucks.
SARGE:At least our robot isn't the leader of our team. Bluebot.
Caboose finally wakes up and springs in to the conversation
CABOOSE:Hey! That's not nice. He means us right?
CHURCH:Yes, and shut up.
WASHINGTON:Stop it! I can't stand this. No more bickering. You have to be the most immature soldiers I've ever met!
GRIF:Your face is immature.
WASHINGTON:Shut up. From now on everyone just keep quiet and don't talk unless I ask you a question. That's an order. I need to figure this out.
SARGE:Hold on, you can't order us around!
WASHINGTON:Yes, I can.
SARGE:What's your rank?
WASHINGTON:Hmy rank? You still don't get it, do you? H-you think you're real soldiers? You're not. You guys are nothing.
GRIF:Whatever. Your face is... nothing.
WASHINGTON:We used your outposts as testing grounds. Practice. You never noticed that you never had anything to do unless a Freelancer showed up, or you made a call to Command?
SARGE:...You're makin' that up.
WASHINGTON:Am I? Think about it. Name one thing that ever happened to you that wasn't directly preceded by Command calling you, or sending someone to your base. One thing. ...Anything? No? I thought so. You three go assess the vehicles. See if you can find some trail of the Meta while you're at it.
SIMMONS:Ooh, finally a take-charge leader! I like it!
SARGE AND  GRIF:Shut up.
WASHINGTON:Church, get back in your armor. You're just going to draw attention to yourself like that.
CHURCH:Fine. But first-
WASHINGTON:No, no first, get in your armor.
CHURCH:I really think I should tell you what it is-
WASHINGTON:Sh.
CHURCH:I have a message from Delta.
WASHINGTON:Delta? Why didn't you tell me?
CHURCH:Oh come on, seriously?
WASHINGTON:How did you get in contact with him?
CHURCH:He left a message for me in Caboose's head. Actually for me to give to you. I guess he figured out I would get in there and find it.
WASHINGTON:How would he know that? Did he know what you are?
CHURCH:Well I didn't tell him. But he seemed pretty smart. Maybe he just put two and two together.
CABOOSE:Four!
CHURCH:That wasn't a test.
CABOOSE:Yes it was I won A-plus.
WASHINGTON:What was the message?
CHURCH:He said "Memory is the key."
WASHINGTON:Memory is the key. Did he say anything else?
CHURCH:Nothin' important.
CABOOSE:Memory is the key? What does that mean?
CHURCH:He said Wash would know.
WASHINGTON:Memory is the key.
CHURCH:Yeah I know, it didn't make any sense to me either. Just sounded like some kind of stupid riddle or somethin'.
WASHINGTON:Gather your gear. We're leaving. Now.
CABOOSE:I think he's angry because of what you said to him.
CHURCH:Hihyeah. If I knew it was gonna make him leave I would've said it sooner.
Cut to Wash arriving at the Reds and an overturned jeep
WASHINGTON:What's the status of the vehicles? Report.
GRIF:You could have asked nicely.
WASHINGTON:You're right, I could. Report.
SARGE:They're all busted. We could probably fix one by takin' parts from all the others. That's one of my specialties. Gonna take a while though.
WASHINGTON:How long?
SARGE:Couple-a days.
WASHINGTON:No time. We need to start moving ASAP. And we need six seats. You're gonna have to get me two jeeps in a few hours.
SARGE:No can do. Not gonna happen.
WASHINGTON:Then we'll have to get them somewhere else. And I know exactly where we can find them.
CHURCH:Why, where are we going?
WASHINGTON:Delta was right. Memory is the key.
CHURCH:But what does that mean?
WASHINGTON:It means that only one thing remembers everything about these A.I. and where they come from. It will know how to stop them. We need to unlock the Alpha.
CHURCH:The Alpha?
WASHINGTON:And that means we're going home. ...We're going to Command.


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 13

CHAIRMAN:Dear Director.
Fade in to ...a car chase?
CHAIRMAN:Our laws are not designed to outline every possible infraction that may take place! However the spirit of the law is clear. Blatant disregard for the safety and well-being of our citizens, in any form, will always be a punishable offense, regardless of how well, or by whom that offense has been justified.
The Reds are in the lead car, being fired upon
SIMMONS:Here they come!
SARGE:Simmons, what're you waitin' for? Shoot 'em!
SIMMONS:I can't, the stupid gun is jammed!
SARGE:Step on it, Grif.
GRIF:Yeah, no shit!
SARGE:Whose idea was it to steal a jeep from these guys anyway?
Cut to Wash and the Blues watching
WASHINGTON:Nuhh, I knew this plan wouldn't work.
CHURCH:We all knew this plan wouldn't work. None of our plans ever work.
CABOOSE:That's why we carry guns.
WASHINGTON:"We can get a car, no problem. We're better with vehicles than the Blues, let us handle this." Why did I even listen to them?
CHURCH:I told you not to.
WASHINGTON:Yeah, well, I already stopped listening to you three bases ago.
CABOOSE:Well that's not very-
WASHINGTON:And I never started listening to you.
The chase continues!
SARGE:Force them in to the wall.
GRIF:On it!
The pursuing car enters the base
GRIF:Where'd they go!?
SARGE:Did ya lose 'em?
GRIF:Looks like it.
They skid to a stop as the other car works its way through the base
SARGE:What in Sam Hell? I don't believe it.
GRIF:Well Sarge, I guess you owe me an apology. Turns out I'm not such a bad driver after-
The other jeep emerges from the base right in front of them
GRIF:...all.
The other jeep's gunner turns the turret toward them, complete with dramatic gun cock
GRIF:Aw come on, what the fuck!
The Blues watch the chase resume
CABOOSE:Aw man. That jeep has a really big gun.
CHURCH:Don't get any ideas.
WASHINGTON:*sigh* Well I guess I'd better get down there and save them. I'm really starting to hate this part of the job.
CABOOSE:Well at least you're getting a lot of practice at it.
WASHINGTON:Don't patronize me.
CHURCH:You know, if we let one or two of 'em die we could probably all squeeze in to one car. Just saying, you should think about it.
CABOOSE:Oh, and if enough of us die, we can fit on a motorcycle!
CHURCH:Alright good, he's gone. Caboose, you stay here, I'll be right back.
CABOOSE:You're leaving?
CHURCH:Yeah.
Church leaves his body again, making more work for the transcriber
CHURCH:For some reason he doesn't want me to see Tex's body. I'm gonna go try to find her.
CABOOSE:Um... Don-, don't leave me here with your body. It stares at me, and I don't like it.
CHURCH:You'll be fine.
Church leaves
CHURCH'S BODY:*humming sound*
CABOOSE:Stop it.
Back to the chase!
SIMMONS:Got it!
GRIF:Great, you unjammed the gun? How 'bout you shoot 'em!?
SARGE:Grif, just get us out of this!
GRIF:Hold on, I wanna try something. I think I can make this jump!
SARGE:Are you insane?
GRIF:Yeah, fuck this, brakes!
They skid to a sideways stop at the edge of a cliff, which the other jeep promptly jumps off of and explodes from gunfire
GRIF:Uhuh, we're really high.
SIMMONS:Yeah, got him!
WASHINGTON:You idiots! We needed that jeep!
GRIF:Uh yeah, and we needed not to die? What's your point?
WASHINGTON:There's still six of us. Where're we gonna get another vehicle?
A gunship rises up behind Wash, and everyone turns to look at it
WASHINGTON:...Oh.
GRIF:Hey, dude? In the future, don't ask for shit.
Cut to the base, with a couple mooky guards guarding it and watching on
GUARD 1:Looks like the Hornet's gonna get 'em.
GUARD 2:Yeah. They blew up our jeep though. That kinda sucks.
GUARD 1:And they killed two of our friends, right?
GUARD 2:Oh yeah that too.
GUARD 1:Still I think -
Church enters the guard. ...ew
GUARD 1:Heagurgurk!
GUARD 2:You okay?
CHURCH:Me?
GUARD 2:Yeah you. What was that noise?
CHURCH:I didn't, hear any noise.
GUARD 2:It sounded like-
CHURCH:I sneezed.
GUARD 2:You sneezed.
CHURCH:Yeah, so anyway, I'm gonna go in the base now, gonna go do some patrolling in there. You know how it goes. Standard ops stuff. Okay seeya.
GUARD 2:What're you talkin' about, the CO said to stay out here. Make sure no-one gets in the base.
CHURCH:Oh it's okay. I uh, I spoke to the Sargeant. He gave me special orders.
GUARD 2:Okay, yeah. Wait, you mean the Captain?
CHURCH:Huh? Yeah right. That guy. Whatever.
Church enters the base and we return to the Reds in all kinds of deep shit
SIMMONS:Run!
Wash looks to the base and sees one of the guards (actually Church) enter it, and radios Caboose
WASHINGTON:Dammit. Caboose! What is Church doing?
CABOOSE:Oh, uh, doing? Uh why nothing Agent Washington he's just standing next to me watching you get killed by the giant spaceship.
WASHINGTON:Oh really. Can you put him on then?
CABOOSE:Oh, I don't think so, um, we're, we're playing a game. Uh called, who can hold still the longest. Uhm, it's a fun game we-
An explosion shakes the cliff they're on enough that Church's empty body falls over backward
CABOOSE:...I'm going to have to call you back.


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 14

DIRECTOR:Dear Chairman.
Fade in to the jeep being chased by the gunship
DIRECTOR:Sir while I appreciate your concern, allow me to correct you in one area. I value all our subjects' well being, but I revere above all else our ability to continue as a species; our ability to survive. And no committee, no bureaucrat, will ever convince me otherwise.
GRIF:Hey I have a question, why do we agree to come along on these things if we're just gonna be the decoy the whole time?
WASHINGTON:Looks like you have it under control. I'll be right back.
Cut to inside the base
CHURCH:Tex? Tex are you here? Tex come on. Tex! Allison?
Dramatic gun cock
GUARD 2:Alright, freeze.
CHURCH:Ahw, what?
GUARD 2:They told us to be on the lookout for someone acting odd, and you're acting odd. So hands up.
CHURCH:Hehey, buddy, come on. You don't need to be like all...
Wash enters behind the guard and knocks him out.
CHURCH:...knocked out.
Asshole I just said that
CHURCH:Thanks Wash.
WASHINGTON:Church, is that you in there?
CHURCH:Uh yeah, one sec-
Church appears next to the guy he was previously inhabiting
CHURCH:There.
GUARD 1:What happened? I feel kinda...
Guard 1 falls over
WASHINGTON:What do you think you're doing in here?
CHURCH:I had to see Tex's body I uh, ...she's like me Wash.
WASHINGTON:I know all about her Church. Come on, you're not gonna find anything in here.
CHURCH:But where is she? She should be here right? I mean, shouldn't she?
WASHINGTON:We've all lost people Church. What's important, is that you remember her. And what's even more important is that you don't slow me down while I'm in the middle of a mission!
Sound of explosion
WASHINGTON:What now!?
Cut to Wash and ghost Church standing outside the base watching the chase
WASHINGTON:What is going on out here?
SARGE:What does it look like?
GRIF:We're running from the stupid plane!
WASHINGTON:Well, we need to leave. We have a Warthog at Blue Base. We'll take that and you follow me.
SARGE:What about the ship!?
WASHINGTON:Well, take it down!
SARGE:Not that simple!
GRIF:If it's so easy, why don't you do it?
WASHINGTON:Fine.
Wash fires at the ship to get its attention, and starts running, in a gunfight with it
CHURCH:Should we help him?
GRIF:We could, or we could take bets on how long he's gonna live. I got ten bucks that says it's less than a minute.
CHURCH:I'll take that action.
Wash manoeuvers himself up on a cliff and shoots a barrel in to the throwing thing Church rode on earlier at another base, which throws it at the ship, and he blows the barrel up next to it, bringing it down. In well under a minute
WASHINGTON:Okay, now can we go?
Cut to everyone gathered outside the blue base
WASHINGTON:Alright, I need suggestions. The Freelancer Command Facility is an underground complex of secure bunkers and fortified chambers. Let's put our heads together and see if we can figure out a way to get in there.
GRIF:I have an idea.
WASHINGTON:And "let's not do it" is not an acceptable plan.
GRIF:Oh. Well you probably should have said that before you asked for suggestions.
WASHINGTON:Next idea.
SIMMONS:Why don't we call Command, and ask them what the proper procedure is for invading their headquarters?
WASHINGTON:Next.
SARGE:How about we build a makeshift nuclear device, and blow the entire place to kingdom-
WASHINGTON:No. We have to get in there.
SIMMONS:Why?
WASHINGTON:'Cause we need to unlock the Alpha.
SIMMONS:The what?
CHURCH:It's the main A.I. from Project Freelancer. You know all the A.I.s that we've been dealing with over the years? It's where they were all copied from originally.
SIMMONS:You can't copy an A.I.
GRIF:The main one? Fuck that. Those things have caused all of our problems. Why would we go looking for the main boss one?
CHURCH:That's a good question. Agent Washington? Do you wanna answer that?
WASHINGTON:You'll understand everything soon enough.
SIMMONS:We're not going.
WASHINGTON:What? You have to go.
SIMMONS:Not really.
WASHINGTON:We can't infiltrate Headquarters with just three people. You're coming. That's an order.
GRIF:Order? You're not our Commanding Officer. We don't even know what rank you are.
WASHINGTON:I'm a Freelancer!
GRIF:Not a rank dude.
SIMMONS:The other Freelancers never gave orders, they just offered to trade favors.
WASHINGTON:Okay, then let's bargain. What do you want.
The Reds conference, with random mumbling between the real words
GRIF:Three words guys,
SARGE:New base-
GRIF:Gold plated vagina.
SIMMONS:Shut up.
SARGE:Lasers.
SIMMONS:Always with that.
GRIF:Nudie mags.
SARGE:Robots and lasers. Lasers, and robots.
GRIF:Milkshake.
Conference over
SARGE:Alright, we talked about it, and we figured out what we want.
WASHINGTON:Alright, let's have it.
SARGE:We want you to demote Grif.
WASHINGTON:Done.
GRIF:What!?
SIMMONS:Another wasted opportunity.
WASHINGTON:Congratulations. You are now Private Grif again.
SARGE:Got anything lower?
WASHINGTON:Private, Junior Grif?
SARGE:I was thinkin' something with an insulting adjective, or... maybe a demeaning adverb...
WASHINGTON:How about, Minor Junior Private Grif, negative first class?
SARGE:Heh heh, I like the way you think.
GRIF:You realize you just doomed us to certain death just so you could insult me, right?
SARGE:Hey if we do get killed at least we'll go out on a high note. Well everybody but you. That's to be expected, you haven't had a high note in five years! Why break the God damn streak.
WASHINGTON:We still need to figure out how we're getting in there.
CABOOSE:Mister Washington? I have an idea.
WASHINGTON:I really shouldn't even bother asking, should I?
CHURCH:I don't know, Caboose? An idea? I think he's bluffing.
CABOOSE:No uh, it's a really good idea. We drive there.
CHURCH:Yeah, he was bluffing.
CABOOSE:We're going to Freelancer City, right? The place where Freelancer's from. And this is a Freelancer car! If they think that we are Freelancers, because we are in their car, they will just let us right in!
WASHINGTON:But you don't look like Freelancers. Or Recovery Agents.
CABOOSE:They can't see inside of a tank.
Cut to Project Freelancer - Operational Command Center. Wash and Church are in the car, everyone else is in the tank
CHURCH:There's no, way, this plan is gonna work.
WASHINGTON:Just stay quiet. Follow my lead.
SARGE:Grif! Get off me, you weigh a ton.
GRIF:Stop pushing me! Ow!
SIMMONS:Okay guys, it's hard enough to fit in here ohl! Whll- Who did that?
GRIF:Alright, whose hand was that? Is Donut in here?
CABOOSE:I can't breathe.
GUARD:Alright. Uh, story checks out. Looks like there was a new incident at Outpost 17B. Glad you fellas made it out okay.
WASHINGTON:Yeah, thanks.
CHURCH:Yeah, it was crazy. We lost a lot of good men. Especially Joe, Joe Johnson. He was a great guy. I remember he had a girl back home named... Fritzy.
WASHINGTON:Stop embellishing. They already believe us.
CHURCH:He also had a dog named Mister Chomps. Anyway he's dead now, it's sad.
GUARD:You're clear now. So drive on to Building 3.
WASHINGTON:Understood. Thanks Soldier.
CHURCH:Can't believe that worked.
WASHINGTON:Yeah. Seemed like it was too easy.
CHURCH:Wash, you're gonna learn when you work with us, there's no such thing as too easy. You're just being paranoid.
WASHINGTON:Yeah. You're probably right.
Actually no, the Meta was hanging on to the back of the tank. Suckers


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 15

CHAIRMAN:Dear Director.
Fade in to Freelancer HQ, with everyone gathered in a room with a view
CHAIRMAN:Please do not attempt to recast this investigation as some type of personal vendetta. Our questions to this point have been fairly standard. Your reactions have not. As such, we have secured all your records and logs by the authority granted us by the UNSC. Now we shall see exactly what it is, that you have to hide.
WASHINGTON:Alright, we got in, but that's only part of our mission. So no celebrating yet.
GRIF:Aw shit, and I was gonna be in charge of confetti.
WASHINGTON:We still need to reach the A.I. storage facility. Security's tight since the Freelancers tried to break in here.
CHURCH:You mean when they tried to steal the Alpha before?
WASHINGTON:Exactly.
GRIF:The Freelancers tried to break in to their own command facility? That's dumb.
SIMMONS:That's what we're doin' right now you jackass.
GRIF:So? Just because we do something doesn't make it smart.
SIMMONS:*sigh* Tell me about it.
WASHINGTON:I have the necessary clearance to get close to the storage hall. The plan is, I'll take Church as a prisoner. If I take more than one of you it won't be believable.
CABOOSE:Agent Washington, I want you to take me instead.
CHURCH:What're you talkin' about?
CABOOSE:I will be your prisoner. Let Church go. He doesn't have anything to do with this!
CHURCH:Caboose, I'm not actually going to be a prisoner. I'm just gonna pose as one so that we can get past-
CABOOSE:Have a good life Church. Don't worry. I won't tell them anything. They won't get any information out of me. No matter how nicely they ask.
CHURCH:Oh my God, just shut up.
SARGE:Sacrificing himself for his CO. What a good soldier. Why can't you two be more like him?
GRIF:What, braindead?
SIMMONS:I would sacrifice Grif for you Sir.
SARGE:I know you would Simmons. But it's just not the same thing.
SIMMONS:No but seriously I would. Just give me the word. I'll do it right fucking now, let's go. Bring it.
GRIF:Why are you taking Church? What about the rest of us?
WASHINGTON:We're sneaking past seven levels of armed checkpoints. Are you volunteering?
GRIF:Uh, it was a hypothetical question?
WASHINGTON:The rest of you hole up and wait for us to finish. And don't touch anything.
SARGE:How will we know when you're done?
WASHINGTON:When you see every guard in the base running in one direction? That means we're probably in trouble.
CHURCH:All the guards? Whu- yuh- wait, wh-why are we taking Church, again?
WASHINGTON:Just keep the guards off of us, and we'll radio when we're in position. This will be our extraction point.
GRIF:Keep them off you?
WASHINGTON:Yeah.
CHURCH:Distract them, dipshit.
GRIF:How?
WASHINGTON:Well, this is the center that came up with all the ridiculous scenarios you guys have suffered through over the years. So have fun. Break some shit.
Cut to Washington walking Church up to a checkpoint with two guards in front of a door
GUARD 1:Hold on, don't come any closer. I need you to stay right there, Sir.
WASHINGTON:Understood. I need access to the next level. The Counsellor wants to interrogate another survivor from Outpost 17B.
GUARD 1:What? I thought all the Blues at Valhalla were dead. Where'd this one come from?
WASHINGTON:I don't have to explain anything to you, soldier. Stand down.
GUARD 1:Sorry Sir, I didn't mean anything by that-
WASHINGTON:Fine. I'll let it go. As you were.
GUARD 1:Something doesn't seem right to me. I'm gonna have to call this in.
WASHINGTON:Absolutely. Call it in. Let me just NOW!
Washington drops one guard, and Church drops to a knee and empties his entire clip at the other guard at point blank range and hits nothing but air. Hint; the guard is not Agent Smith
CHURCH:Uh, hey can I get a little help I'm, out of bullets.
Washington shoots the other guard in the face.
CHURCH:Thanks.
Cut back to the Reds and Caboose
SIMMONS:This patrol was seventeen seconds late. Who's runnin' this place? How inefficient. Sloppy...
SARGE:I'm bored outta my gourd.
GRIF:So what? Bored is good. Bored means we're not dying. Boredom I can deal with. I have years of practice.
CABOOSE:Yes! Grif talked, I won, I won the who can be the quietest game again.
GRIF:Yeah, good job. That's ten in a row for you Caboose. Hey, you know what? We should play again. Best eleven out of twenty-one.
CABOOSE:Yes. You're all going down.
SIMMONS:Heh. We should try holding our breath next.
SARGE:Well that's it. I can't stand just sittin' around. I'm goin' mad with anticipation.
SIMMONS:We've only been here twelve minutes.
SARGE:Are you sure? My mission clock says three days.
SIMMONS:*sigh* That's because you wouldn't synchronize at the start of the mission, remember? I said we should synchronize, and you said "Why would we synchronize? It's like we're in the future, seeing what the enemy does before they do it. Why would we give up the advantage?"
SARGE:Come on, Simmons, who could possibly remember an annoying conversation we had three whole days ago?
SIMMONS:Twelve minutes ago.
SARGE:Grif, what's your clock say?
GRIF:Um, actually mine's a countdown to the next episode of Battlestar Galactica? Priorities dude.
CABOOSE:Ah- ah- I just won again! Man, you guys are really bad at this game! It's- it's like you're not even playing at all!
Cut to Wash and Church in a really cool, funky room
WASHINGTON:Here. This is it.
CHURCH:Whoa. What is this place?
WASHINGTON:It's the storage facility for all the A.I.s. The rejects, the bad variants... everything is here. Everything.
CHURCH:Dear lord, what're all these lights on the walls?
WASHINGTON:It's holographic storage.
CHURCH:And one of these things is Alpha?
WASHINGTON:You work on closing that door. I'll find what we're looking for. And when I do, every soldier on base is sure to come running. So be ready.
Wash approaches one of the really cool walls
VOICE:Washington. Washington. You suck.
Time passes
WASHINGTON:Churh I got it, get over here. Here, this is it. There.
CHURCH:Oh, great you found it already?
Something weird that I can't describe happens
CHURCH:Ah!
WASHINGTON:What's wrong?
CHURCH:Nothing I just had like a weird flash- uh, ah!
WASHINGTON:Are you alright?
CHURCH:Yeah, I think it's this thing. It's like, sending out images. Is this the Alpha?
WASHINGTON:No. This is not the Alpha.
CHURCH:No? Thn what is it?
WASHINGTON:This, is Epsilon. ...This is my A.I.


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 16

DIRECTOR:Dear Chairman.
Fade in to Church and Washington
DIRECTOR:I imagine this investigation of our program is providing you with the kind of attention that politicians crave so much. How very predictable. What has surprised me most about mankind during the great war, is not our ability to adapt to the new arenas of conflict, but instead, our willingness in victory to so quickly return to the old.
CHURCH:You mean to tell me we've come all this way for this? Your fucking crazy A.I. Epsilon?
WASHINGTON:Yes. I thought it was gone. But Delta told you memory was the key. At first I thought he meant to remember our first encounter. And when I met Delta the first time what I told him was-
The scene flashes toward Church and we see a flashback of Wash talking with Delta
WASHINGTON:You were encrypted until you could be recovered.
DELTA:Recovery carries risk. Destruction ensures that an A.I.-
WASHINGTON:You cost a lot of money, okay? It's cheaper to recover you than it is to delete you.
Back to present day
WASHINGTON:When they removed Epsilon from me, he was unravelling, casting off all his thoughts. I was sure they deleted him but it's-
CHURCH:It's cheaper to store it than it is to delete it. Right?
WASHINGTON:Right.
CHURCH:But why are we looking for this thing? What's the point?
WASHINGTON:The message specifically said that memory is the key. Delta was telling me that Epsilon was still alive.
CHURCH:And Epsilon is the key?
WASHINGTON:In a way. At the end of the war, things didn't look good for humans. And there were dozens of projects all trying to come up with the magic bullet to win.
CHURCH:Right.
WASHINGTON:Project Freelancer was one of them. They had their research with agressive A.I. But they could only get the one, and they needed more to conduct their experiments. So, they got desperate.
CHURCH:Right. They tried to... they tried to copy it but they couldn't, so they-
WASHINGTON:All A.I. are based on a human mind. And the Director had a theory. He thought, if we can't copy it, we'll just have to do the next best thing.
A scene flashes for Church
CHURCH:Ah! They, they split it?
WASHINGTON:Just like a human mind when it's broken; it fragments. It fractures itself to protect itself.
CHURCH:They tortured it.
WASHINGTON:Like reverse engineering a multiple personality disorder. They presented Alpha with scenario after scenario of stress and danger. When it started to fragment, they harvested those fragments.
CHURCH:The Freelancer A.I.s.
WASHINGTON:Exhorted little fragments of purified compartmentalized emotion. None of them were a full personality. Some were good-
CHURCH:Like Delta?
WASHINGTON:Delta was Alpha's logic. It needed to protect itself from analyzing what was happening to it. So it segregated that part of its mind. The part that would be able to understand the horror of what they were doing to it. And when the anger came and threatened to take over, it split that off too. That was Omega; its rage. Gamma was its deceit. Sigma was its creativity. And Epsilon...
CHURCH:Epsilon was its memories.
WASHINGTON:And memory is the key.
Cut to the Reds and Caboose
GRIF:Uhh, okay. Now I'm bored. Simmons, promise to do me a favor. If the madness sets in, just shoot me.
SARGE:Do everyone a favor and shoot him now.
SIMMONS:Is that an order?
SARGE:Nah, save your bullets for somethin' worthwhile.
While nobody's looking out the window, a transparent shape moves across from right to left
SARGE:Hey Simmons, get over here! Hustle up!
SIMMONS:What's up Sir?
SARGE:You're good with uh, computers, right?
SIMMONS:Well I'd like to think so, I mean there's really all different kinds of skill sets. Like you have your binary computation, you have uh bus transport-
SARGE:Yes or no?
SIMMONS:Yes.
SARGE:Okay here's what I'm thinin'. If this is Command, and these computers have some of those internets installed on 'em-
SIMMONS:There's just one internet, Sir, and I don't think it's located inside this building.
SARGE:They probably have all the information about everything, right? Like in a, spreadabase or, one of them ROM things? Datasheet?
SIMMONS:I'm sorry, was that something I was supposed to understand? Was that even English?
SARGE:Come on, man, you know, like all the mainframes, on the Reds and the Blues. Series of Tubes and whatnot.
SIMMONS:Ookayy, you're using a lot of terms that don't really make sense. I think you're asking me if these computers store all the data on Red and Blue Armies?
SARGE:Control-Alt-Bingo.
SIMMONS:Probably.
SARGE:Could you get in to it?
SIMMONS:Yeah, if I had some time. What're you thinking Sir?
SARGE:Simmons, I want you to erase the Blues.
SIMMONS:What, you mean like the Blues from our canyon?
SARGE:No Simmons, all of them. Gone. Erased. As in wiped off the map. Kablooie. Terminate process.
SIMMONS:Sir, you just blew my mind.
Cut back to Wash and Church
WASHINGTON:As they continued to torture it Alpha couldn't keep its sanity and its memories at the same time. So it had to purge them. That fragment became Epsilon. And I was just unlucky enough to have it assigned to me.
CHURCH:So you knew. You knew from the beginning what was going on.
WASHINGTON:Mostly. They never told anyone what they did here. I got flashes when they put Epsilon in my head. Memories of what the Director did to it.
Flashback to Wash and the Counsellor
COUNSELLOR:So you would say that you have overwhelming feelings of anger, and a need for revenge?
WASHINGTON:More than you know.
Back to present
WASHINGTON:Just like you're getting now. That's why Epsilon went insane; it was meant to. It was all the horrible experiences the Alpha needed to shed to survive. And that's why it had to be removed from me.
CHURCH:Did they know that you had the memories?
WASHINGTON:I never said a word. But they had their suspicions.
Flashback to Wash and South
WASHINGTON:Do you still have yours?
SOUTH:No Wash, I never had one. I was in the implant group behind you, remember? And after what happened to you, nobody got any more.
Back to present
WASHINGTON:I would never let them put another A.I. in my head. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to hide what I knew from another program. Which ironically is what led them to think I could be trusted.
CHURCH:Well what do we do with it?
WASHINGTON:We take it, and we get it in the hands of someone who can use all its information. Then they can bring down the person responsible for what was done to Alpha. And to me. And to my friends. They can take down the Director.
CHURCH:But what about the Meta? How do we stop him? Isn't that the point? I thought only the Alpha could do that. Are we gonna find it or not?
WASHINGTON:No.
CHURCH:No?
WASHINGTON:After the first attack on Command, they moved it. They knew the A.I. would just convince their Freelancers to come looking for it again. So they put it in a place where they didn't think anyone could find it.
CHURCH:But, where? Shouldn't we be there, instead of here?
WASHINGTON:Church, I need you to listen to me. Delta was the logic. He was able to figure out things before anyone else. It's why he left a message for you in a way that he knew only you could find, and in a way that let me see you getting it.
CHURCH:What are you saying?
WASHINGTON:I'm saying I know what you are. Even if you don't. Why you can seemingly live without a body.
CHURCH:What?
WASHINGTON:It's why they stuck you in some useless backwater canyon where no-one ever goes. Then why they transferred every person in your outpost to a different base than you.
Flash back to Church meeting Wash and Caboose
CHURCH:I've been here fourteen months.
WASHINGTON:What? Over a year, by yourself?
Back to present... anyone else getting dizzy?
WASHINGTON:It's why you always agreed with everything Delta said.
Flash back to Church talking with Delta
DELTA:I think we should simply be happy it is gone.
CHURCH:That makes sense to me.
Back to present
WASHINGTON:Why you didn't feel anything when Omega got inside your head.
Back
CHURCH:Feels pretty much the same, that's, that's kinda weird.
Present
WASHINGTON:Why you can jump from person to person the way it can.
Back
WASHINGTON:It all adds up then. Omega was the one who inherited that trait.
Present
WASHINGTON:Church, there's no such thing as ghosts. You're one of them. You're an A.I. You, are the Alpha.


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 17

CHAIRMAN:Dear Director.
Fade in to Church and Wash
CHAIRMAN:It is now clear, that your agency and its primary program "Project Freelancer" have abused the trust and freedoms that the Oversight Sub-committee has provided you. Your abuse of the Alpha A.I. will now become the subject of a criminal investigation. I am sorry Director, but you have seen the end of my patience.
Church and Wash look at each other silently before we cut to Simmons typing at Terminal 84-C - Administrator Access Only
SARGE:What're you finding out, Simmons?
SIMMONS:Looks like all the Blue records are here, I just don't have the access to delete them. I'm trying to work around that right now.
GRIF:Ooh, try hacking the mainframe.
SIMMONS:This isn't a mainframe system.
GRIF:How 'bout cracking it, would cracking it work?
SIMMONS:Grif shut up! Stop making suggestions when you have no idea what you're talking about.
GRIF:Well, if you want help-
SIMMONS:I don't want help.
GRIF:Maybe you should explain what's going on, and I could make an educated suggestion.
SIMMONS:Ehducated? Okay, fine. This computer is a dedicated interface with a highly developed security protocol. The information we are accessing is stored on a separate database with its own dedicated hardware. That system has its own distinct layer of security. From what I can tell, the two systems verify their identities by trading randomly generated two thousand fifty six bit encryption keys. I'm tryin' to spoof one of those keys right now. So, Grif. I'm all ears. Any suggestions?
GRIF:Oh yeah, I've seen that before. You should try uploading a virus to the mainframe.
SIMMONS:Jesus.
GRIF:I find viruses that feature a laughing skull tend to work the best.
SIMMONS:Shut the fuck up and let me work!
Cut back to Church and Wash, and this time they actually speak!
CHURCH:You're a fucking idiot.
WASHINGTON:That's not the reaction I expected.
CHURCH:You think I'm a computer program.
WASHINGTON:Why is that hard to believe?
CHURCH:Uh, how 'bout 'cause I'm a person. That I have been my whole life? That I have memories from when I'hm a kid? And I don't remember being a calculator, dude.
WASHINGTON:A.I. are programs based on an actual human mind. You're bound to have some residual memories. They're just not yours.
CHURCH:Oh you're so full o' shit.
WASHINGTON:And after what you've been through it's not hard to imagine you wouldn't-
CHURCH:Oh, st- thi- give me a break dude.
WASHINGTON:Okay, fine. I guess you being a spirit makes more sense.
CHURCH:Fuck yeah it does it's way less geeky asshole.
WASHINGTON:A spirit.
CHURCH:Yeah. That's right.
WASHINGTON:A ghost!
CHURCH:Boo, mother fucker.
Back to the Reds
SARGE:Simmons, how's your progress?
SIMMONS:Good, I'm almost in. This blinking light is really distracting me though.
SARGE:What is it?
GRIF:Hey guys, I told Caboose to watch out the windows in the next room. That should give us some relief.
SARGE:Good. Simmons, if that light bothers you so much, just turn it off.
SIMMONS:Hey, I got a great idea, how 'bout if someone else does somethin' for once. I'm workin' here!
GRIF:Heuh, I'll do it.
Grif hits the light and we hear radio sounds
TUCKER:Hello! Come in Command! Do you read Command? Why isn't anyone answering!?
GRIF:What should I say?
SIMMONS:Who the fuck cares, just get rid of him.
GRIF:Um, hello. Uh, this is Command. Go ahead.
TUCKER:Finally! Hey! This is a distress call! We need help down here ASAP! Mayday, and all that shit!
GRIF:Oh, yeah, uh, sorry dude, there's no-one here to take your call right now.
TUCKER:What!?
GRIF:Can I take a message?
TUCKER:Dude that's bullshit. You guys suck.
GRIF:Is that the message?
TUCKER:No it's not the message asshole! Tell them, we found what we're looking for, and it's under the sand. Send, help, now.
SIMMONS:(whispering) What the hell is he talking about?
GRIF:(whispering) Who the fuck knows? (speaking) Under, sand. Uh okay. I got it. As soon as they get back I'll be sure to grab them and uh, slip it to 'em.
TUCKER:Yeah, slip it to 'em! Bow chicka bow wow.
GRIF:...What'd you say?
Sound of explosion
TUCKER:Oh shit, gotta go!
GRIF:Was that who I think it was?
CABOOSE:Did somebody here just say something?
And back to Church and Wash
WASHINGTON:Look, you can resist this all you want, but that doesn't change the fact that I need your help to beat the Meta.
CHURCH:Why me?
WASHINGTON:Who else, Church?
CHURCH:Why not Tex? She's a ghost, like me. Use her.
WASHINGTON:But she's not you. Even if I could find her, even if she's still alive I don't think I could trust her. Tex is... confusing. The Director and Councellor always worked so closely with her, she was, like... their favourite.
CHURCH:You sound jealous. What's the matter, Daddy didn't love you enough?
WASHINGTON:We were a competitive group. We had to be. But she always had special treatment from our superiors. There has to be a reason for that. She is... she's... I don't know what she is.
CHURCH:Uhuh, what? You don't know something? I thought you knew everything?
WASHINGTON:No Church, I don't know everything. You're not going to get all the answers you want. But what I do know is that the Meta and this program are an enormous danger to everyone. And we just need to do what's expected of us. Do you think you can-
An alarm starts going off
CHURCH:Oh great! What is that?
WASHINGTON:We've been found out. Quick, grab Epsilon. I'll lead us out. Keep your head down.
CHURCH:Okay, but if this fucking thing sends out any more images, I'm gonna throw it in the nearest trash can.
Cut to the Reds and Caboose, with the alarm still going off
CABOOSE:Does anyone else hear that?
GRIF:Yes, we all hear it Caboose.
SARGE:Simmons, did you do that?
SIMMONS:I don't think so. Hope not.
CABOOSE:Uh, red guys? Uhm, white guys are coming? Aaand, they look mad.
One of the approaching white guys throws a grenade at the building, and the grenade explodes
CABOOSE:Really, mad.
SARGE:Grif, close those shutters!
GRIF:On it.
The shutters close. Hey, Grif figured out how to do something right!
SIMMONS:Here, I got it! This is every bit of information about the Blues and their soldiers!
SARGE:Can you erase it?
SIMMONS:I can, but Sarge maybe we should think about this for a moment. What happens if we delete the Blues?
SARGE:It means they never existed.
SIMMONS:But did you ever stop to think, what does it mean to be red if there is no blue? If they never existed what's the purpose of even having a red army if there's no-one for us to fight? Do you understand what I mean? It's like, flip sides of the same-
Sarge steps forward and pushes the button - Blues Deleted
SIMMONS:...coin.
SARGE:What it means is what it's always meant. We rule, they suck. Don't over-analyze it you pussy.
GRIF:Oh my God. Where's Caboose?
SARGE:What in the-
SIMMONS:Where did he go? *gasp* You don't think that deleting him from the computer somehow altered the fabric of reality and removed him from-
CABOOSE:Hey guys. I was just tryin' to find the bathroom. Church always has me go before a big battle. He hates when I ask to go in the middle of one.
SIMMONS:Oh...
SARGE:Did you want to finish your thought, Simmons?
SIMMONS:Naw that's okay, I'm- I'm cool.
GRIF:Come on dude, tell us more about the reality bending computer. I'm hanging on your every word.
SIMMONS:I don't wanna talk about it.
SARGE:How do we turn this damn alarm off? Maybe it's one of those clap things.
Sarge claps twice and the alarm stops
SARGE:There we go.


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 18

DIRECTOR:Dear Chairman.
Fade in to the Freelancers attacking the structure
DIRECTOR:I don't give a damn about your committee and its opinions of my work. Have you forgotten Sir, we were at war? A fight with an alien race for the very survival of our species? I feel I must remind you, that it is an undeniable, and may I say a fundamental quality of Man, that when face with extinction, every alternative is preferable.
Cut to Church and Wash running up a ramp
SOLDIER:Over here, over here!
WASHINGTON:Get that door!
The door closes behind them and they arrive with the Reds
CHURCH:What's the status up here?
GRIF:Fucked up, 'bout to die, Simmons is a nerd... the usual.
SARGE:Looks like we've got at least half a dozen squads out there. They know our position, and we're outgunned.
WASHINGTON:So, what's the plan?
SARGE:Well we were gonna retreat down the hall until you just brought more guards up that way, so now the plan's pretty much to go down swinging. You first.
GRIF:Hey Simmons, can you get back on that computer and change my affiliation from Red to Freelancer?
SIMMONS:Traitor.
GRIF:Hey, you gotta go with the winner.
CABOOSE:Um, could you change my job title to something more important like astronaut-oh, I know, Space Marine!
CHURCH:What are you idiots doing?
SIMMONS:This computer has all of Command's records.
CHURCH:It does? Records on everybody?
SIMMONS:Yeah. You know, theoretically.
Simmons alt-tab's the screen to something benign to no longer show the big BLUES DELETED on screen
SIMMONS:Hup du-doo, doo doo, nothin' to see here, doo doo doo doo...
CHURCH:Oh great, now I'll show you that you're wrong.
WASHINGTON:What an excellent idea.
SIMMONS:Wrong about what?
CHURCH:Wash has been trying to convince me, that I'm, an A.I.
GRIF:Hunh? Why would he do that?
WASHINGTON:Because he's transparent? He can take over other people, you know, that kind of stuff.
GRIF:That's because he's a ghost dude.
CHURCH:Thank you, that's what I said.
WASHINGTON:If he's a ghost, why aren't any of the other soldiers turning in to ghosts?
CHURCH:Okay fine, why don't we just settle this? Simmons, look me up in the database.
SIMMONS:Yeah I'd like to help, but we may have just kind of, you know, deleted all that stuff for the Blues.
WASHINGTON:All of what stuff for the Blues?
SIMMONS:The everything stuff?
WASHINGTON:Didn't I tell you not to touch anything?
SIMMONS:Yes. But, you also told us to break stuff. This seemed like an excellent compromise.
CHURCH:Alright, great, that's fantastic now I can't prove him wrong, and I don't get a paycheck. Fucking great, thanks guys.
SARGE:And your side never existed! Which means Red wins. Suck it you non-existant losers!
CHURCH:Doh nobody gives a fuck about that.
SARGE:Sour grapes.
GRIF:No way, he's not a computer.
SARGE:How can we be sure?
CABOOSE:Maybe we should ask him something only a computer would know.
SIMMONS:Like what?
CABOOSE:What's nine times eight?
THE REDS:Seventy two.
CABOOSE:Oh my God it's spreading.
GRIF:How 'bout this: show me some porn.
CHURCH:What?
CABOOSE:What?
SARGE:What?
GRIF:That's what all my computers do. Oh, oh, uh, uh, steal some music for me. Oh or uh uh, talk about politics and bore the shit out of me.
CABOOSE:Do you have any pictures of cats in serious situations?
WASHINGTON:Because of the trauma he's been through, he's not going to be able to access most of his functions. He may not even realise his full potential.
SARGE:Not living up to his potential? That means Grif's a computer too.
WASHINGTON:It doesn't matter. We don't need him to believe. Until the next time we encounter the Meta.
Speak of the Devil, there's a loud sound of something landing on top of the building
WASHINGTON:What the Hell was that!?
SARGE:Come on, do you even need to ask?
The Meta half-materializes on top of the building and the Freelancers stop firing
FREELANCER:Primary target has arrived. Engage, engage!
Party at the Meta's place!
CHURCH:The Meta, how'd he get inside the compound?
SIMMONS:What do you mean how, it took us like ten minutes. Not that hard.
WASHINGTON:Perfect.
CHURCH:Perfect?
WASHINGTON:He's been following us since I found Caboose. I knew he couldn't resist getting his hands on all the stored Command A.I.s. Especially Epsilon.
CHURCH:You knew about this?
WASHINGTON:Knew about it? I planned on it. Still have Epsilon?
CHURCH:Yeah, of course.
WASHINGTON:Good, let's get it to safety. Then we can finish this. Once and for all.
CHURCH:You know I'm starting not to trust you.
SARGE:What do you mean startin' to?
Cut to them all somehow arrived in a vehicle repository, what some may call "a garage"
GRIF:What is this, the motor pool?
WASHINGTON:Yes. Looks like everyone is outside fighting the Meta. Still, be careful. Red, you grab a vehicle. Caboose, somehow I hate to ask this, but, can you drive?
CABOOSE:Yes. But not an automatic; only stick.
WASHINGTON:Why can't you drive-
GRIF:We're in a rush, come back to it later.
WASHINGTON:Right. Caboose, grab that car. Church, put Epsilon in Caboose's jeep. You guys are gonna make a break for it. Take Epsilon and turn him over to the authorities. They'll know what to do with him.
SARGE:You're not comin'?
WASHINGTON:No. Church and I are staying. Project Freelancer had one last resort failsafe: a high power E.M.P. that can wipe out all the A.I. in this facility. Now that the Meta is here we have a chance to take them all out at once and put this entire project out of commission.
GRIF:What's an E.M.P.?
WASHINGTON:It's an electo-magnetic pulse. It wipes out all circuitry and computers it touches. It will destroy the A.I.-
SIMMONS:Oh, you mean an Emp.
SARGE:Yeah, I was just about to say. Sounds like he's talkin' 'bout an Emp.
WASHINGTON:Emp? That's not how you say it.
SARGE:That's how most people say it. "Emp."
WASHINGTON:No, they don't.
CHURCH:I say it that way.
WASHINGTON:It's initials for Electro, Magnetic, Pulse. That's E.M.P.
GRIF:Right. Which spells Emp. Durr.
WASHINGTON:We don't have time for this. You're wrong.
SIMMONS:Why don't we take a vote.
WASHINGTON:A vote? No. No vote, you're just wrong. There's no vote, it's E.M.P.
CABOOSE:Not very democratic.
WASHINGTON:Being wrong isn't a Democracy. Church and I will work our way down to the Director's lab while the rest of you escape.
SARGE:What if the Meta follows us?
WASHINGTON:No chance. There's no way he can pass up all the A.I. in here. Put Epsilon in the car and let's get moving.
CHURCH:I'm leaving. I'm going with them.
WASHINGTON:What?
CHURCH:Wash, I don't give a shit about any of this. I hate you, I hate the Freelancers, I hate everything about you guys. This isn't my fight; it's yours.
WASHINGTON:It's your fight more than anyone else's!
CHURCH:I don't care what you say, no, it isn't.
WASHINGTON:Church, you'll never get another shot at fixing all of this. I know you don't believe what I've told you, but you need to ask yourself, what if I'm right? If I am, or if you have any doubts, not finding out will haunt you for the rest of your life. Not just finding out about you but, finding out about everyone close to you as well. It's your choice. What's it going to be?


RvB: Reconstruction
Chapter 19 and Epilogue

CHAIRMAN:To the Director of Project Freelancer.
Fade in to the electronic storage area for A.I.s
CHAIRMAN:I write to inform you, that by the authority of this sub-committee, officers have been dispatched, to place you under arrest, and we expect your full co-operation. Congratulations are in order, I suppose. When they write the new morality protocols for dealing with A.I., I'm certain they will name entire sections of the doctrine after you. It seems that you will earn your place in history after all, dear Director.
Cut to the Meta fighting ...everyone except the main characters... and winning. Then cut to the main characters back in the not-quite-a-garage
WASHINGTON:Alright. Stick to the plan. Just run. Get Epsilon out of here. Turn it over to the authorities the first chance you get.
SIMMONS:Sarge, shouldn't we help him? He won't stand a chance against that thing.
SARGE:We have our orders, Simmons. We have to think about the mission.
GRIF:Fihinally an order I wanna follow. "Run away and live."
SARGE:If Agent Wash wants to face him alone, that's his business.
SIMMONS:Yeah but he doesn't wanna face him alone. It's just that some people won't help him.
SARGE:That's not our business either.
WASHINGTON:Just drive. When the E.M.P. goes off-
CABOOSE:You mean the Emp?
WASHINGTON:Stop it. It will destroy Epsilon if you're not far enough away.
CABOOSE:You got it Mister Washington.
WASHINGTON:Take care of yourself guys. I know that's one thing you're good at.
Wash hits a button and a large door opens upwards
WASHINGTON:He's gonna be on you as soon as you clear the gate. Be ready to move. Protect the Blues' vehicle at any cost.
SARGE:Protect the Blues, right, yeah. We'll get riiight on that shit.
Cut to the Meta, victorious, watching the two jeeps drive a bit and stop
Radio sounds
WASHINGTON:That's it. Lead the Meta as far away from the base as possible.
AN A.I.:He's tricking you.
ANOTHER A.I.:Get the A.I.
A THIRD A.I.:We need them.
WASHINGTON:I just hope there's enough time.
The Meta runs toward Wash and the base
SIMMONS:He's fallen for it, gun it Grif!
GRIF:Hold on everyone.
Cut to Wash running through some corridors, pursued by the Meta. Wash enters a large room
PA VOICE:Warning. Security breech detected.
COUNSELLOR:Agent Washington. Good to see you again.
WASHINGTON:Oh, hello. Are you somewhere nearby, Counsellor? Somewhere I can say hello in person?
COUNSELLOR:Sorry Agent Washington, but we were more than prepared for this... eventuality. I'm afraid we will not be able to see each other in person today.
WASHINGTON:Well then you'll excuse me if I don't stop to chat. I'm on a timetable.
COUNSELLOR:There is someone else here who would like to speak with you.
DIRECTOR:Well hello, Agent Washington.
WASHINGTON:The Director himself, I should be honored. I should be.
DIRECTOR:Yes, I realize it has been a while since we've spoke, David. May I call you David?
WASHINGTON:No, you cannot. You gave me my new name, the least you can do is use it.
DIRECTOR:I am certain you have a lot of questions, Wash.
WASHINGTON:Just one: How do I turn off this speaker.
PA VOICE:Warning. Security breech detected.
The Meta arrives, and Wash puts up a containment field to keep him out
DIRECTOR:Well. The prodigal son returns. Agent Maine you've caused quite a few problems for us. You will not be leaving this time.
WASHINGTON:I think I've said that myself about twenty times in the last few weeks. Good luck holding him.
DIRECTOR:You would be surprised what we are capable of, even from this distance. I suggest you work with us if you expect to survive this.
WASHINGTON:I'm sorry, did something about my actions indicate I expect to survive?
Cut to the Reds and Blues ridin' dirty
SARGE:Still about half a click to go. Step on it!
Back to Wash et al
PA VOICE:Clearance verified. The failsafe is now online. Awaiting activation.
DIRECTOR:How did you get those codes?
WASHINGTON:You might be surprised what I know, Director.
PA VOICE:Warning, this is a last resort measure. Activating the failsafe will destroy all electronic equipment in this facility, including this terminal. Please confirm.
DIRECTOR:It was Epsil'n. He inherited the memories, didn't he.
WASHINGTON:I've known about what you did since the moment you implanted him in me.
DIRECTOR:Well then I am very sorry Agent Washington, but Project Freelancer no longer has need of your services. Program, disable interior shield.
The containment field Wash turned on turns off
WASHINGTON:What?
DIRECTOR:Agent Maine, please kill Agent Washington.
They both draw
WASHINGTON:Nah-
The Meta shoots Wash, who falls
PA VOICE:Alert: incoming recovery beacon. Level zero. Immediate response necessary.
The Meta advances on Wash, who backpedals toward the wall
DIRECTOR:Agent Washington I fear this is one recovery beacon you won't be responding to. Kill him Agent Maine.
AN A.I.:Where is it?
ANOTHER A.I.:Where is Alpha?
A THIRD A.I.:Where is it?
DIRECTOR:The Alpha is not here. It has been moved far away. Attend to the matter at hand.
COUNSELLOR:Agent Maine what the Director's trying to say, is we can discuss the Alpha later. What's important, is that you prove that you can be trusted again. We need to trust you before letting you meet the Alpha. Wouldn't you agree?
WASHINGTON:You know Meta, why wait? Why don't you meet him, right now?
Church materializes over Wash's shoulder as an A.I.
CHURCH:Hi there.
The A.I.s the Meta has accumulated appear around him, with no way of knowing which is speaking
AN A.I.:It's him!
ANOTHER A.I.:Alpha!
A THIRD A.I.:Alpha!
Cut to the Blues and Reds escaping
GRIF:Caboose, watch out for that rock!
Caboose drives in to a big rock, spilling Church's body
CABOOSE:Oh no. Church!
GRIF:What the hell are you doing, why are you stopping, move!
CABOOSE:His body fell out.
GRIF:So what!?
CABOOSE:He's gonna need it.
SIMMONS:It's just an empty shell, now get going!
The Reds drive off
GRIF:Caboose move it or we're leaving you!
Caboose continues driving, and we return to Wash, Church, Meta, 6 floating A.I.s, an electronic eye in the ceiling containing the voices of the Counsellor and the Director, and the voice of the console Wash is next to
CHURCH:You know I can see why you didn't want anyone else in your head. Got some pretty heavy stuff going on there. I think you need to talk to a professional.
WASHINGTON:That's too bad. I just lost my job, and we have great mental health coverage.
CHURCH:How much time do you need?
WASHINGTON:Whatever you can get me. When the E.M.P. goes off-
CHURCH:When it goes off, I'll be fine. It only affects computers, remember? And I, am a mother fucking ghost.
Church enters the Meta, and all other A.I.s follow him in
DIRECTOR:What's goin' on!?
COUNSELLOR:Agent Washington, please, there is time. If you would just secure Agent Maine we can discuss this situation, in a more civilized manner.
WASHINGTON:No, we can't.
Wash punches the button
PA VOICE:Thank you, failsafe initiated. Activating Emp.
WASHINGTON:Emp? You have got to be fucking wi-
The E.M.P. Emp goes off, and things start stopping. We cut to the escaping jeeps
SIMMONS:Here comes the pulse, don't stop!
GRIF:Ah, shit, it stalled!
SARGE:Go go go!
GRIF:Get Epsilon out of here, don't worry about us!
CABOOSE:Okay! I'm scared!
Caboose plows past some sawhorses
SIMMONS:Watch where you're going!
GRIF:No!
CABOOSE:Nnyaaaaaaaa-
Caboose drives off a cliff overlooking a river, and we fade to black
DIRECTOR:Dear Chairman.
Fade in to a stream in the Canyon
DIRECTOR:I am disappointed by your decision to press charges, but I am not surprised. My only hope is that the courts will see the matters differently than you have. You see, I never had the chance to serve in battle, nor did fate provide me the opportunity to sacrifice myself for humanity as it did for so many others in the Great War. Someone extremely dear to me was lost very early in my life. My mind has always plagued me with the question, if the choice had been placed in my hands, could I have saved her? The memory of her, has haunted me my entire life, and moreso in these last few years than I could ever have imagined. But given the events of these past few weeks, I feel confident that had I been given the chance, I would have made those sacrifices myself. Had I only the chance.
Cut to the Reds in front of their jeep
SARGE:Men, I just got word from our new Command. They said that thanks to our brave efforts in bringing Project Freelancer to justice, we can have full use of these former bases to continue our training exercises, until such time as they need them for more official purposes. Whatever the hell that means.
SIMMONS:Wow, that's great news Sir.
SARGE:We even got a shiny new jeep. Courtesy of the UNSC.
GRIF:Yeah, but Sarge, what the hell is, uh, shotgun, by the way.
SIMMONS:Shotgun- fuck!
GRIF:What the hell is the UNSC?
SARGE:Iunno, never heard of it. Sounds made up.
While the Director talks we cruise down another river in another place toward another base
DIRECTOR:I know that you disagreed with my methods, and that others will as well. This is beyond my control. However, I cannot imagine that any court, would be able to convict me, no matter how low their opinion of my actions might be. You must understand one basic fact for all this to make sense my dear Chairman. These A.I., they all come from somewhere; they are all based on a person. Now Alpha, was no exception. And while the law has many penalties for the atrocities we inflict on others, there are no punishments for the terrors that we inflict on ourselves. So you send your men. They won't find themselves a fight. They'll only find an old man. An old man tired, but satisfied he did his duty. An old man weary from a mind more filled with memory, than it is with hope.
We enter the base and find Caboose there, crouching over the A.I.
CABOOSE:Okay. Time to see if this works.
DIRECTOR:Sincerely yours, the former director of Project Freelancer, Doctor Leonard Church.


RvB: Reconstruction
Original Trailer

Fade in to Outpost 17-B: "Valhalla" - Post-War: Year One. Two grey soldiers crest a hill, one with red highlights and one with blue highlights
VOICE:A memo, to the chairman of the Oversight Sub-committee from the Director of Project Freelancer.
As the voice continues, the soldiers run around the ruined Valhalla outpost, blow up a barricade, enter a base and look around at various scenes of carnage as they are described
DIRECTOR:Dear Chairman, I write today in response to your committee's request for more information about our program and the suspected incident at Outpost 17-B. No doubt by now, you have reviewed the video logs transmitted by our Recovery agents dispatched to the region. I am sure you have seen the empty bases; the barricades constructed by the survivors. The cryptic warning left on the wall. The battles that apparently took place between team members that had turned on one another. And of course... the ship.
Cut to the two soldiers on ATVs at the scene of a downed transport ship, suddenly attacked by an invisible soldier and killed
DIRECTOR:While we cannot say for certain, I share your concern we have an unfortunate post-project scenario taking place. However, I take exception to your assertion that we were warned this was a possibility.
On a wall in the base is scratched WE ARE THE META, which then transforms on a black screen to a series of greek characters which evolve to RECONSTRUCTION
DIRECTOR:I would like to remind the Sub-committee members, that anything is possible. Some things are probable. This is, what is. And my agency as it always has, will continue to deal with what is... until it is no more.


RvB: Reconstruction
PSA 36: FIRST!

Fade in to Church and Caboose
CHURCH:Hi. I'm Private Church from the popular web series Red vs Blue.
CABOOSE:And I am also a popular show.
CHURCH:We've been putting RvB on the web for several years now, and we've noticed a lot of trends on internet forums.
CABOOSE:But more importantly, we've also noticed some things, that never happen.
CHURCH:Right, and we know all about the rush to be first on forums; to say something fresh and new that noone has ever heard before. So we thought we'd help all of you out by telling you ten things we've never heard said on an internet forum.
Cut - each item is preceded by a shot of a forum post with the text from the beginning of the first sentence contained within it, to give the clever illusion that these were actually on the forum. Except for the LOST stuff; you'll see what I mean
SARGE:You know I remember when nobody knew about this band. We used to have to go to small clubs to see 'em. Now they've gotten so popular, we get to see them in huge arenas all over the Country, and their songs are on the radio all the time. It's great! I'm really happy for them, and for all their success.
CHURCH:Yeah, it's a really great feeling to have been a part of something at the beginning, that turned out to be so popular.
Cut
CHURCH:Hey you know that song that automatically plays every time I load your MySpace page? I love it! It's like a soundtrack for the internet.
Cut
SARGE:Oh, this video. I've already seen it before! And I loved it! Thanks for showin' it to me again, so I could relive the experience.
CABOOSE:You, are welcome!
Cut
SARGE:And what ever happened to the numbers on the hatch? It's like they're just makin' it up as they go along-
CABOOSE:Excuse me, I am new here and there is a lot of things I don't understand.about the way this place works.
SARGE:Wow. A new user. That's great! We'd be happy to show you the ropes.
LOPEZ:Amoa nuevos personas.
CAPTION:I love new users.
LOPEZ:Yo puedo esperar oír una opinion fresca sobre.
CAPTION:I look forward to their fresh perspective on the things we usually talk about.
SARGE:Welcome newwww best friend.
Cut
SARGE:Hey, you know that video game that's exclusive to the video game console you play? I just read that they're making a version for the video game console that I play!
CHURCH:Wow, thah- man, that is a relief. I was getting really tired of telling people with other consoles how great this game was. Now I'm so glad you guys are gonna have a chance to enjoy it too. And I'll tell you another thing, I'm gonna be really excited to see the differences in the two versions.
Cut
CHURCH:Hey, that new PC game you want to play? Comes out next week, but it costs fifty-five dollars.
CABOOSE:Fifty-five dollars? That's more than I wanted to pay... Oh well, I guess I won't get to play it then.
CHURCH:Eh well, maybe you could save up.
Cut
SARGE:So I was reading the AOL homepage the other day...
Cut
CABOOSE:But luckily, a woman's voice reminded me that I could win a free iPod. Otherwise I would have missed the ad altogether!
Cut
SARGE:And what about the polar bears? What were they even doing on the island. Hey, you wanna come talk about this?
CHURCH:Not really, thanks. I don't really like that show, and I don't think I'd have anything good to say about it; I figure, you know, why bring you guys down?
SARGE:...
CABOOSE:...
Cut
SARGE:If you like that guy's one YouTube video, you should really watch the rest of his work. You really get to see him grow as an artist.
Cut back to Church and Caboose
CHURCH:So there you have it. Feel free to use these statements in any of the forums that you frequent. We guarantee you'll be the only person to use 'em.
CABOOSE:Just be sure to include the copyright statement at the end of this video.
CHURCH:Well that's a given. You know how much we all value copyright.
SARGE:Why would you even cast a kid in that part anyway? You know he's gonna go through puberty in the fifth episode. First thing we're flashin' backwards, then we're flashin' forwards, next thing you know we'll be flashin' sideways to Everybody Loves Raymond! And that smoke monster; don't get me started on the smoke monster.


RvB: Reconstruction
Small Rewards

Fade in to Grif and Simmons on the beach
SIMMONS:Hi there. I'm Private Dick Simmons from the popular web series, Red vs Blue.
GRIF:Even though we haven't been in the show in like six months.
SIMMONS:Here at Red vs Blue, we're always looking to improve the video watching experience.
GRIF:Does this mean we're finally using some of my suggestions?
SIMMONS:Hhh, no. We can't do porn. This is the internet. Show some class.
GRIF:I hate this show.
SIMMONS:As you may know, since their introduction in to video games, Achievements have been enormously popular. And since we like being enormously popular-
GRIF:And taking other people's ideas.
SIMMONS:We have now decided to integrate Achievement Technology in to all future Red vs Blue videos.
SARGE:What's an Achievement?
GRIF:Aoh, they're these pointless little awards you get when you do something right in a video game.
SARGE:Do something right? I take it Grif's never gotten one.
SIMMONS:Actually Sir, they are very cool.
GRIF:I hate Achievements.
SIMMONS:What? Why?
GRIF:Because they're a waste of time. Why bother with them?
SIMMONS:Why bother with anything in a video game? It's for fun.
GRIF:That's not true. Some games are serious business.
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:One time, I played Donkey Kong so well, I cured Kidneyism. It was the best day ever. The end.
SIMMONS:Kidneyism? There's no such disease as Kidneyism.
GRIF:That's right, not any more. 'Cause I cured that bitch.
SIMMONS:Idiot.
Achievement Unlocked - 30G - Grif Burn
GRIF:What was that?
SIMMONS:That's one of our new Video Achievements. I got it for calling you an idiot.
SARGE:Hold on. You mean we get prizes for makin' fun of Grif? Suddenly I'm very interested. Count me in.
10G - Shut Up, Rookie - Join a squad.
SARGE:Where do I sign up?
SIMMONS:Many of the Achievements are based on our characters. So if you do something your character is known for, you get one.
GRIF:Don't even think about it.
Sarge runs up and punches Grif
GRIF:Ow!
10G - You Just Got Sarged - Punch Grif in his Ying-Yang
SARGE:This is great! I'm a convert!
Sarge hits Grif on the ground with the butt of his rifle a couple times
SARGE:Hey! Where's that little annoying thingie? I thought I got one of those every time I beat the crap out of Grif?
SIMMONS:Well Sir, you can only get them once. It wouldn't make much sense if you get them every time.
SARGE:Now it's lost its lustre. It all seems so empty to me now.
50G - Epiphany - Your life is worthless
SARGE:Never thought I'd see the day when beating Grif to death wasn't fun, but here it is.
Sarge exits as Grif gets up
GRIF:Hhh, finally something good about Achievements. They're still stupid though.
25G - Choke a Bitch - Run out of air in your suit. You die.
GRIF:(sees Achievement) ...What that's bullshit. I have plenty of air in my- *gasp* breathe---
Grif turns white, then purple, then keels over
5G - Made You Look - Identify misplaced meaningless achievement.
SIMMONS:Do not attempt to defy the Achievements. You have been warned. They see everything.
CABOOSE:I also have my own achievables.
SIMMONS:Shut up Blue, we haven't even made any for you guys yet.
CABOOSE:Yes you have, see? Bleep bloop.
You Got Achevables
SIMMONS:That's not a real Achievement.
CABOOSE:Yes it is. Bleep bloop.
10 Points. Yes it is.
SIMMONS:No, you can't do that! You can't fake the Achievements they have to be approved!
10G - Wahmbulance - Whine like a bitch.
CABOOSE:Bleep bloop.
SIMMONS:Stop saying bleep bloop.
CABOOSE:Bleep bloop.
BLEEP BLOOP
SIMMONS:Stop it!
CABOOSE:Bleep bloop.
BLEEP BLOOP
SIMMONS:Stop iiit!
CABOOSE:Bleep bloop.
BLOOP BLOOP
SIMMONS:Okay, that's it, I quit.
CABOOSE:Bleep bloop.
Daboop Doop
CABOOSE:I have so many achievables. Bleep bloop.
1 BILLION Ponit, won the Video
150G - Case of the Mondays - Finish video on Easy Difficulty.
Two minutes later...
Achievement Unlocked - 75G - Last Two Minutes of My Life Back


RvB: Reconstruction
Election Night

Campaign 2552 - Red versus Blue - Ultimate Supernews Team Election Coverage
HOST:It's election night in the multiplayer universe, and I'm getting word that most precincts are now reporting. Our own Bill Jenkins is standing by with the results. Bill.
BILL:Thanks Jim, let's go straight to the board and find out how this is shaping up. Valhalla here you'll see is first with 100% of the bases reporting, and it looks like we've got uh, six votes for Blue and um, another six votes for Red so that's-
JIM:No surprise there-
BILL:That's gonna be an, an even split there, here's Snowbound, it looks like we're, we're deadlocked there as well that's a 50% Red 50% for Blue
JIM:Seems like all the teams are voting for themselves.
BILL:No kidding Jim. Tell you what, I'm gonna go through the list and just read the ones that aren't, 50/50.
JIM:Ah.
BILL:Okay Sandtrap, no.
JIM:Uh huh.
BILL:Last Resort no.
JIM:Yep.
BILL:Guardian no.
JIM:Still 50/50.
BILL:Epitaph also a big no.
JIM:Huh I smell another run-off. Ten elections in a row. Amazing.
BILL:Wait a second, Standoff! Standoff apparently has seven players.
JIM:You don't say.
BILL:Seven players on Standoff, that's an uneven number-
JIM:Bill-
BILL:We have to have a tie breaker-
JIM:Bill, I'm sorry to interrupt you but I have breaking news.
Impressive graphic
JIM:I've just been told that we have a major development on Standoff of all places. For more on this let's go to Bill Jenkins, in the results room. Bill.
BILL:Jim you're, interrupting my report to cut to my report. What the hell is the matter with you?
JIM:Had to use the graphic, Bill.
BILL:I hate you Jim. I hate this job.
JIM:Interesting.
BILL:Okay, according to my reports, Standoff has an odd number of players, we mentioned that earlier, so that means there'll have to be ...what? The vote is 3 to 3? Another 50/50 split? I- No, it can't be! I- I'm showing that one person didn't vote! Who wouldn't vote I ca- I- How can that be?
Cut to Standoff where Grif didn't vote, as is evident by his white armor
GRIF:Sorry guys, sorry. Hh-I forgot to register, so now I can't vote or whatever.
CABOOSE:Register?
GRIF:Yeah. Turns out you have to register before you can vote. Talk about a ridiculous system. Who knew?
EVERYBODY:Everybody!
SARGE:How can you not register?
GRIF:Because uh, it was hard? I think?
CHURCH:Hard? It's a form. How hard could it be? You can get it on XBox Live.
SIMMONS:I even downloaded it for you.
SARGE:Grif, I'm unbelievably disappointed in you. And not for the usual list of reasons, but an entirely new set altogether!
CHURCH:Even Caboose knew to register.
CABOOSE:I did.
CHURCH:I mean he voted for his next door neighbor's cat, but at least he still voted.
CABOOSE:That cat has an excellent foreign policy plan.
SARGE:I'm goin' back to the base. Gotta take down that yard sign.
GRIF:I'll just vote next time, right?
CHURCH:Shut up.
GRIF:Does my vote even matter? I mean sure, it would have decided this election, but that's pretty rare. Guys?
DON'T BE A GRIF - Register to vote with XBox Live and rock the vote Nov. 4th
CHURCH:Man, 8000 Microsoft Points spent on smear ads, for what, nothin'.
BILL:Shut up Jim. Can I just transfer back to sports? Please? Why aren't you covering Grifball? There's always a winner.


RvB: Reconstruction
Rock the VETO

Fade in to a Halo waiting room
CHURCH:Hey guys what's up?
CABOOSE:Church go blue.
CHURCH:Huh? Oh, yeah, okay hold on.
CHURCH:There we go. Sorry I was late I had to take out the- wait, Simmons is the party leader?
SIMMONS:Alright, everyone ready?
CHURCH:Why is Simmons the party leader?
SARGE:He got here first. He sent the invites.
CHURCH:No, no Simmons. He always makes us play some ridiculously complicated custom game.
SIMMONS:It's called Blindfold. Everyone start with dual plasma pistols and a flamethrower. With no ammo.
CHURCH:No!
SIMMONS:The beat is, three thousand percent.
CABOOSE:Oh come on, Simmons.
SIMMONS:If you get hit with a green weapon like a plasma pistol, you have to hold your XBox controller upside down until you get hit with a blue weapon, like a plasma rifle.
CHURCH:What?
SIMMONS:But, if you're in a bubble shield which is yellow, and you get hit by a plasma rifle which is blue, then the yellow and blue make green. So-
CABOOSE:Can't we just play Slayer?
SIMMONS:No no this is fun, we played it last night for like six hours, you're gonna love it.
CHURCH:Slayer! Slayer!
SARGE:Why is it called Blindfold?
SIMMONS:Because, every time someone shoots you with a needler, you have to close one eye.
CHURCH:No, it's because it's about as much fun as standing in front of a firing squad.
Beep
CHURCH:What? No, who started the game? Simmons, we don't wanna play this. Everybody veto. Veto, Grif! Veto!
GRIF:I can't, dude, I'm at Simmons' house. We're playing split-screen. If I veto he's gonna kick me out.
CHURCH:Come on come on, we need one more, somebody veto. Who didn't vote? Tucker, Tucker did you vote?
CABOOSE:Uh he hasn't said anything in a while, I- I don't think he's there.
CHURCH:Tucker! Tucker Tucker Tucker Tucker Tucker Tucker Tucker Tucker Tucker Tucker.
SIMMONS:Alright, I've got it set for five rounds, thirty minutes a round.
CHURCH:Awhaw, Tucker come on.
TUCKER:Yo, I'm back. Hey, Church, what's up man?
CHURCH:Tucker where were you?
TUCKER:I was gettin' some chocolate milk. What're we playing?
CABOOSE:Don't even ask.
TUCKER:What? Why is Simmons the party leader? Awh, man, Blindfold? I hate this game. We played for like thirty hours last night. Everybody veto. Veto!
SARGE,  CABOOSE AND  CHURCH:Too late.
IF YOU DON'T VOTE, YOU CAN'T COMPLAIN. - Register to vote with XBox Live and rock the vote Nov. 4th


RvB: Reconstruction
Rock Bottom

Fade in to Grif and Simmons in front of a majestic waterfall
SIMMONS:Hi. I'm Private Dick Simmons from the popular web series, Red vs Blue.
GRIF:And I'm Private Dexter Grif, from the same show.
SIMMONS:You know, these days many people are wondering how they can tighten their belts to weather the hard economic times.
GRIF:It turns out some people in some place did some things that lost a bunch of money, for some people you don't even know.
SIMMONS:Yeah, we don't understand the details, but apparently people buying houses they can't afford, with money they didn't have, from the banks that weren't paying attention, was a bad thing.
GRIF:Who knew?
SIMMONS:Also, we're having all sorts of peaks right now. We've got peak oil, peak water, peak temperature-
GRIF:Peak hurricanes, peak bees.
SIMMONS:Peak bees?
GRIF:It's true, look it up.
SIMMONS:The point is, we're all doomed.
GRIF:Absolutely. Especially if you're a bee that runs on oil.
SIMMONS:But, in these dark times, it's important that you stay optimistic.
GRIF:Right. You should be thinking positive thoughts like "how can I outlive my neighbors so that when they die, I can take their stuff."
SIMMONS:Luckily, Sarge has gathered some useful tips to help us figure out how to get through these tough times.
SARGE:Uh, actually we can't do that right now.
GRIF:What? Why not?
SARGE:I've been too busy meetin' with the Blues to work on the list.
SIMMONS:Meeting?
CHURCH:Yeah, this is kinda hard to explain, but... we're bankrupt.
GRIF:You're what?
CHURCH:Uh, we're broke. We got some credit cards and we made some bad choices... yeah like we upgraded our flag, we probably shouldn't have.
CABOOSE:And we also bought some hedge fund stocks!
SIMMONS:You bought hedge fund stocks with a credit card?
CHURCH:Yeah, and then when we lost money doing that, we tried to buy more stocks by taking out a subprime home equity loan on our base.
CABOOSE:Um yeah, so the bank took our base, um then they repossessed our tank, and, our ammo. Then the bank sold it all to some foreign characters from another video game.
GRIF:Wow. Sucks to be you guys.
SARGE:Actually it sucks to be everybody. 'Cause it's up to us to bail out the Blues.
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:Why would we do that?
SARGE:As of this week, the Blues will be moving in to our base. Which will be split down the middle with a line of masking tape. Right side Red, left side Blue.
GRIF:They're gonna live in our base?
SARGE:Yeah. Also Grif, you gotta give 'em yer gun.
GRIF:Why?
SARGE:They can't afford ammo any more.
GRIF:Good, then they can't shoot at us.
SARGE:Actually that's bad. We need to have them shooting at us. They have to have competition for a healthy environment.
GRIF:Healthy environment? They're gonna be living in our home, and using our guns to shoot at us. That's not healthy, that's suicide!
SARGE:Nonsense. It's only until they get back on their feet with all the money we're gonna pay them.
SIMMONS:We're paying them money too!?
SARGE:Of course we are. That part just makes sense.
GRIF:Where are we getting the money?
SARGE:Well as you know, times are tough. So we're gonna have to take out a loan to help 'em.
SIMMONS:WHAT!?
CHURCH:Oh, dude. I know a place where you can get an awesome subprime home equity loan for your base.
SARGE:That sounds perfectly reasonable.
Grif starts running away
SIMMONS:Grif, where're you going!?
GRIF:To pawn my armor and gun before the bank takes it!
CHURCH:Hey when you get the money from the pawn shop we're gonna need that too! Remember we're all in this together!


RvB: Relocated
Chapter 1

Fade in to something


SOMEBODY:A line.


SOMEBODY ELSE:A response.


A THIRD PERSON?:Something a baby might say.


THE FIRST GUY, I GUESS:Witty retort.


Check it out, something happens here


SOMEONE NEW:Something about cheese, perhaps?


ONE OF THE EARLIER PEOPLE:Blah blah words and words, pie.


SARGE:Something about hurting Grif.


Laugh track fails to occur


SOMEBODY:Straight line.


DONUT:Not so straight line.


GRIF:Fag.


Repeat for a few more iterations.  The End


RvB: Relocated
Chapter 1 (the real one)

Fade in to an overhead view of the two bases, and something blue shoots out from the top of one
Cut to Grif and Simmons watching from afar
GRIF:I'm telling you, this is a whole new world for us. New bases, new armor, it's a fresh start.
SIMMONS:Then why the fuck are we still having the same stupid conversation?
GRIF:Just think! You know how people say "If I knew then what I knew now?" Whell that person is you, and you already know it! And the "then" is right now!
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:Don't you regret anything from our last assignment? Like all your mistakes?
SIMMONS:I didn't make mistakes, you made mistakes.
GRIF:Exactly, you set too high of a bar, and that made it harder for the rest of us.
SIMMONS:There is no "rest of us," there's just you. And, you suck. The bar has nothing to do with it. If the bar was set any lower, you'd just hit your fucking head on it. Or accidentally eat it.
GRIF:You need to loosen up. We got a good thing going here, I mean this is an easy gig. We need to make the most of it. You should question authority every now and then.
SIMMONS:What? I question authority.
GRIF:Asking Sarge "Can we have more work," is not questioning authority.
SIMMONS:Well Grif, technically, that is a questi-
GRIF:Stop it.
SIMMONS:Besides, all you ever do is waste time.
GRIF:Waste time? I make time. Every second Sarge spends arguing with me, is one second I don't have to do something stupid like, clean our guns 'er, whatever it is he's always making you do.
SIMMONS:You dumbass, we have to maintain our equipment. Otherwise-
The vehicle Sarge was working on (did I mention he was working on a vehicle? Sarge was working on a vehicle) throws off parts with a loud crashing sound
SARGE:Gaw... ah, son of a bitch!
GRIF:See? That should keep him busy for at least like-
SARGE:Simmons, Grif! Front and center!
GRIF:Dammit.
SIMMONS:Nice plan, jackass. Clearly it's working flawlessly.
SARGE:Hussle up, idiots!
Cut to a nice pan shot of Blue Base, ending on Caboose apparently welding something, then cut back to the Reds
SARGE:Men, we've go a situation on our hands here.
GRIF:Hey Sarge? Why do you always call us over when you wanna talk to us?
SARGE:What, you want me to write you a letter?
GRIF:No, I- I mean there's two of us. Wouldn't it be more efficient for you to come to us? Instead, we always have to c-
SARGE:Shut up, Grif.
GRIF:See, I just bought us ten more seconds before he can give us something to do.
SARGE:Grif, can it!
GRIF:Five more seconds.
SIMMONS:Shut up.
GRIF:Two more.
SARGE:We got a problem men. I'm trying to upgrade the Warthog's weapon system.
SIMMONS:The weapon system?
SARGE:Yes. As you'll recall, on our last mission we encountered that magnetic pulse thingie. So I thought we could upgrade the Warthog to use that technology for a fancy new gun.
SIMMONS:You mean the pulse that knocked out our car and made it stall? That technology?
SARGE:Yes.
SIMMONS:You wanna add that to the car, and activate it on a regular basis?
SARGE:Mmhmm.
SIMMONS:Specifically in battle.
SARGE:Bingo bango.
SIMMONS:And you're sure that's a good idea.
SARGE:Why wouldn't it be?
GRIF:Don't listen to him Sir, I think it's brilliant. The enemy'll never see it coming.
SIMMONS:That's because it won't be coming! It'll be shutting down every time we fire our primary weapon!
GRIF:Like I said, brilliant.
SARGE:Our problem is that we still don't have the power online in the base!
SIMMONS:Right.
SARGE:So I'm forced to use only my hand tools. I can't get anything done like this.
SIMMONS:You want us to get the generators running so you can use your power tools?
SARGE:No! So I can use the radio to call Lopez, have'm come do it for me.
GRIF:Nice. Wait, our radios work.
SIMMONS:Not our helmet radios dumbass, the long range ones. The people who were here before us disabled them all.
SARGE:It seems to me that Blue Base is online...
Another blue thing shoots out from the top of Blue Base up in to the sky
SARGE:We need to get someone over there, see how they did it. Simmons, that'll be you.
SIMMONS:Why me?
SARGE:I don't think Grif could possibly figure out how electricity works. I'm not even certain he knows what it is.
GRIF:The man's right, I have no idea.
SIMMONS:*sigh* Whatever.
GRIF:No, seriously, I have no idea. I always thought it was some kind of invisible magic.
SIMMONS:Shut up.
Simmons starts heading over
SARGE:Oh, and see if you can figure out what they've been up to over there! They've been pretty quiet lately.
SIMMONS:Fine.
GRIF:Okay, great. Now that he's gone, how 'bout we enjoy a little "us" time. Kick back, make some margaritas-
SARGE:Grif, I need you up on top of the base. See if you can figure out why ours isn't firing that blue boltamajiggy.
GRIF:*gulp* You mean, up there, by that airlift and, and the flag?
SARGE:No, I mean on top.
The camera pans back to reveal just how tall the spike on top of the base is
GRIF:Um, do we have a ladder?
SARGE:Oh, sure, an eight hundred foot ladder? Of course not ya idiot! Now get to shimmyin'.


RvB: Relocated
Chapter 2

Fade in to Simmons running up a cliff to look at Blue Base
Radio sounds
SIMMONS:Come in, Sarge, come in. I can see Blue Base but there's noone around. There's some kind of light and it looks like somebody's working on somethin'. I'll have a look closer and see if I can find anyone but I don't think that there-
CABOOSE:Hello.
SIMMONS:Jesus! Don't do that!
CABOOSE:Hey Simmons. Uh, were you guys coming to attack me? Uh, because I'm kinda busy right now. Do you think you could attack me later maybe like uh, like next week?
SIMMONS:We're not attacking you, I'm just coming over to spy on you.
CABOOSE:Oh, awesome.
SIMMONS:And figure out how you got your power turned on.
CABOOSE:Oh, you mean the invisible magic, yeah. Uh, you know it was already on when I got here. Very convenient.
SIMMONS:And I'm also trying to figure out what you're doing.
CABOOSE:Doing? Nothing. There's no reason to do anything. Why would I be doing something? I wouldn't, that's why. So I'm not.
SIMMONS:If you're not doing anything then why are you too busy?
CABOOSE:What?
SIMMONS:You just said we couldn't attack you right now because you were too busy.
CABOOSE:...I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
SIMMONS:Why. You are doing something aren't you.
CABOOSE:Ah- Simmons, stop being nosy. Do you want to lose all your spying privileges?
Cut to Sarge yelling up at Grif, who's climbing the tower on top of Red Base
SARGE:Come on, Grif! Hurry it up!
GRIF:Hey, don't rush me! This is high! Shouldn't I have on safety gear or something?
SARGE:You have armor, numbnuts! That's like having a helmet for your whole body. So stop complaining.
GRIF:No, I mean, shouldn't there be like a safety rope, or at least some railings?
SARGE:Grif, use yer head! If we had a rope tied up there already, you could just climb up the rope! Stop askin' dumb questions.
Simmons returns
SIMMONS:Hey, Sarge.
SARGE:Simmons, what did you find out?
SIMMONS:Well, I know their base isn't running on brain power.
SARGE:Excellent, that means Grif can still be used as fuel once we get the generators turned on.
SIMMONS:Caboose has no idea how their power works. He said it was already on when he got there.
SARGE:Huh, favouritism. Command always did like them best.
SIMMONS:He said he'd run us an extension cord if we could find one long enough.
SARGE:No way, not falling for that.
SIMMONS:Hahhh, I had a feeling you wouldn't.
SARGE:He'd choose just the right moment to cut us off from a valuable resource!
SIMMONS:A resource we don't even have access to to begin with!
SARGE:That's exactly right. He wants to soften us up, and then yank the carpet out from under our feet! No way. Besides, Grif's on his way to figuring out this problem as we speak. Heh heh.
SIMMONS:Where is he, anyway?
SARGE:Up there.
SIMMONS:Whwhat? What's he doing up there?
GRIF:Help me Simmooons!
SARGE:I think that blue bolt has something to do with the power and ours isn't working.
GRIF:Jesus Chrihihihist!
SIMMONS:So why didn't you climb up there?
SARGE:Me? Afraid of heights. I mean allergic.
GRIF:Everyone's afraid of heights!
SIMMONS:You have a fear of heights? Didn't you used to jump out of ships in high orbit during the war?
SARGE:And how do you think I developed that fear? That shit was crazy.
GRIF:There's a bird up here fucking with me!
SARGE:Quit makin' friends and get up there!
GRIF:Shoo, shoo!
SIMMONS:Sarge, why didn't you just let him use the ladder?
Hey, turns out there's a ladder right there. Whaddaya know.
SARGE:Oh right. I guess we didn't see that before he started up. My bad.
GRIF:God dammit!
Swoosh over to someone in blue armor that may be Caboose (but since when is he sneaky?) watching them
SIMMONS:How could you miss something that big?
SARGE:Well, what can I say, Simmons. I guess you're a bit more observant than the rest of us.
SIMMONS:No kidding.
The dude in blue creeps away and makes it to a downed ship
Swoosh up to Grif on top of the base's giant spike
GRIF:Okay, I made it! I'm at the top!
SARGE:Whaddaya see?
GRIF:What!?
SARGE:What do you see?
GRIF:What do I see!? I see everything! Because I'm at the top of the fucking world!
SARGE:Can you see the port where to bolt comes out?
GRIF:Yeah, it's right here! But I think it's blocked!
SARGE:What?
GRIF:It's blocked!
SARGE:What's blocking it?
GRIF:It looks like a bunch of pieces of a ship.
SARGE:... That's disgusting. Who would climb all that way up there just to do that?
GRIF:I said shipuh!
SARGE:Oh right.
SIMMONS:What kind of ship is it?
GRIF:How the fuck should I know? It's in a million pieces! What difference does it make?
SIMMONS:Sorry! I'm just naturally curious.
GRIF:I'm gonna spit on you Simmons!
SARGE:What do you think, Simmons?
SIMMONS:Mm, it's really hard to say without seeing it, but I guess he could try to clear the blockage. I'm a little concerned though. If he clears it and that bolt goes off, it could kill him.
SARGE:That's an excellent thought. And what was the concern you said you had?
SIMMONS:*sigh* Nothing Sir.
SARGE:Alright then, let's get crackin'. Kill two birds with one stone. But I'd settle for one bird and a Grif. Heh heh.
Bird caw
GRIF:I said shoo! You stupid fucking bird!


RvB: Relocated
Chapter 3

Cut in to Grif on top of the big giant spire, with Simmons and Sarge below
SARGE:Hey Grif, we're gonna need you to clear that blockage!
GRIF:How!? These pieces are huge! How'm I supposed to lift them?
SARGE:Well, they do say people in emotional situations can sometimes get superhuman strength!
GRIF:Yeah? Well what about people in situations where they really don't give a fuck!? What kinda powers do they get!?
SARGE:Grif!
SIMMONS:If you can't lift it, just try clearing it with a grenade!
GRIF:Um, is that safe!?
SIMMONS:None of this is safe, you're gonna start analyzing now!?
SARGE:Here Grif, take one o' mine!
Sarge tosses a grenade up at Grif, but it falls short, lands and explodes
SIMMONS:Sarge, you pulled the pin out!
SARGE:Of course I did. Who throws a grenade with the pin still in it? Hey Grif, catch this one!
Sarge throws another grenade at Grif and falls short again
GRIF:No! I'm not catching those!
SARGE:Dammit, I can't reach.
The grenade lands and bounces off the base, blowing up just in front of Sarge and Simmons
SIMMONS:Ack! Cut it out!
GRIF:Yeah! Let me get back to work up here!
Grif jumps up closer to the wreckage as a flaming rocket passes by where he used to be
SARGE:You catch that one?
GRIF:Okay, here we go.
Grif drops a grenade and realizes he's standing right next to it
GRIF:Oh, shit. Uh, where do I go when the grande explo-
Just then, the grenade explodes, tossing Grif high up in the air. Funny, that
SIMMONS:Oh no, he's falling!
SARGE:I see that.
SIMMONS:Should we try to catch him?
SARGE:Catch him? Hell no, he'll crush us.
SIMMONS:What do we do?
SARGE:I got an idea, let's act like we're gonna catch him, and then we don't. That's a win-win.
SIMMONS:You used to jump out of ships, give him some advice.
SARGE:Oh right. Grif, you should never join that unit! The pay is terrible and the offices are totally disorganized.
SIMMONS:Advice on how to land!
SARGE:Oh right. Well Grif, what you wanna do is-
Grif lands, but manages to break his fall with his body
SARGE:Try to tuck and roll at the last second. That will transfer your momentum to inertia, and invert your curb-splat probability.
SIMMONS:Hey, Sarge?
SARGE:Yeah?
SIMMONS:I think he's down already.
SARGE:Oh right.
GRIF:Ow.
SARGE:Heh heh. Simmons you are observant.
Cut to Caboose sneaking around the downed Pelican
CABOOSE:There you are.
Cut back to- what, already? Well that was exciting. Cut back to the Reds
SARGE:Hot ham and cheese, the power's back on.
SIMMONS:Um, I think Grif is broken, Sir.
SARGE:Sad. I always thought I would be the cause of Grif's death. Ah well fuck it.
SIMMONS:Yeah, fuck it.
SARGE:Let's call Lopez, and tell him we've got power. Robots love that stuff.
SIMMONS:And oil.
SARGE:Stop helping me.
Radio sounds
SARGE:Come in Lopez, señor Lopez, come in. This is Sargeant-
LOPEZ:Hola. Esta es Barranco de la Sangre. Discurso de Lopez.
CAPTION:Hello? This is Blood Gulch Canyon, Lopez speaking.
SARGE:Lopez, it's Sarge. Que paso. Whatya doin'? ...Lopez?
LOPEZ:Uh, Me disculpo, no puedo utilizar el teléfono. Deja por favor un mensaje...
CAPTION:Uhhh... Sorry I couldn't come to the phone. Please leave me a message and I'll...
SARGE:Eh, heh heh. Lopez, you old kidder. Cut it out.
LOPEZ:...le llamaré des tras.
CAPTION:...call you back as soon as I am able.
SARGE:Haha, seriously program, disable lying mode voice verification Bravo niner.
LOPEZ:Commando acceptado.
CAPTION:COMMAND ACCEPTED...
LOPEZ:¿Qué usted tiene?
CAPTION:OK. What do you want?
SARGE:I need you at the new base on the double.
LOPEZ:¿Por qué?
CAPTION:Why?
SARGE:We got power. Need your help building something awesome. You busy?
LOPEZ:No. Acabo de matar a esa muchacha encima a la Base Azul.
CAPTION:Actually. Not really. I just killed that girl over at Blue Base. So I'm all wrapped up here.
LOPEZ:Ganamos a propósito.
CAPTION:We won by the way.
SARGE:Great! Hey Simmons, we won Blood Gulch.
SIMMONS:Oh, cool. Suck it Blue.
SARGE:Oh, and tell Grif his sister's dead.
SIMMONS:Yes sir! Wait, what?
LOPEZ:OK. Estoy viniendo.
CAPTION:OK I guess I can be right there.
SARGE:Great, we'll see you soon. I'll forward you some blueprints of what we've been workin' on.
Grif wakes up and moans
GRIF:(weakly) What happened?
SARGE:Grif, you're awake, good. Lopez is coming here, I need you to stay out of the way.
GRIF:Uh, can do.
SARGE:Simmons, you check the base, make sure everything is online. Lopez is going to need all the power he can get.
SIMMONS:On it Sir.
SARGE:Lopez, you get in the base, start workin' on the plans I sent you.
LOPEZ:Sí.
SIMMONS:Wow, he got here fast.
SARGE:Oh and uh, Grif, one more thing. You might wanna sit down.
GRIF:I can't sit, I think both my kneecaps are shattered.
SARGE:Oh, well in that case, Simmons, you'd better be prepared to catch him. He'll probably faint when I tell him his sister's dead.
GRIF:My sister is dead?
SARGE:Oh, you already know! Good. I was worried 'bout how to break the news to you. That could've been awkward.
GRIF:No way. Not true.
SARGE:Lopez told us himself.
GRIF:Yeah right.
SIMMONS:You don't believe it?
GRIF:I'll tell you what, you produce a corpse, I'll believe it.
SIMMONS:Huh?
GRIF:Listen, once when we were kids, we went ice skating, and she fell through the ice. She was under there for three hours, and when they pulled her out, not only was she still alive, she was pregnant. If you can explain that to me, I'll believe you when you tell me she's dead.
SARGE:Hhhh, I wouldn't even know how to-
LOPEZ:Hecho.
CAPTION:Done.
SARGE:Hot damn, Lopez is done already. Did you finish the-
LOPEZ:Sí.
CAPTION:Yes.
SARGE:Well what about the-
LOPEZ:Sí.
CAPTION:Yes.
SARGE:And also the-
LOPEZ:Me hacen. Esa significa que hice todo.
CAPTION:I am done. That means I did everything.
SARGE:Caliente daminito, let's go check it out.
LOPEZ:Está aqui.
CAPTION:It's over here.
They enter an elevator which will prove to take quite a while to get where it's going
LOPEZ:Prensa abajo
CAPTION:Just hit the down button.
GRIF:You installed an elevator?
LOPEZ:Por supuesto.
CAPTION:Of course.
LOPEZ:Introduzco su código. Ponga su mano allí.
CAPTION:Now enter your personalized key code. Put your hand on the scanner.
LOPEZ:Dé vuelta a esa rueda.
CAPTION:Now turn that crank.
SARGE:Which one, this one?
LOPEZ:No. La rueda media.
CAPTION:No. The third one down. Fifth one over.
SARGE:Ah, okay.
GRIF:How did he build all of this?
SARGE:I told ya, he just needed power tools.
LOPEZ:Prense su botón cuando empujo los míos.
CAPTION:Now, push your button when I push mine.
SARGE:At the same time?
LOPEZ:Sí.
CAPTION:Yes.
SARGE:You wanna do it like on three or like, three and then go?
LOPEZ:¡Apenas agarro!
CAPTION:Just push it!
SARGE:Okay.
LOPEZ:Esto es el.
CAPTION:Here we are.
They exit the elevator and walk to a large empty room
GRIF:What the fuck?
SIMMONS:What the hell is all this?
SARGE:As you know, I've been working on developing a new version of our Warthog. So I had Lopez here build an underground holographically powered simulation room. This is going to allow us, to test the final concepts of my car design. Now check it.
A blue grid appears on the floor, then a Warthog appears above it, and then the grid disappears.
GRIF:Okay. Now that was pretty cool.
SARGE:Thank you.
SIMMONS:Hey wait a second, so you built an entire chamber, capable of running holographic simulations, rather than just build the car itself? That doesn't seem very efficient to me.
SARGE:Simmons, sometimes you just gotta go for style points. Hoo-ah.


RvB: Relocated
Chapter 4

Sarge drives past Grif and Simmons and skids to a stop near them, and gets out
SARGE:Now this is more like it! Great job on the simulator Lopez! And good work on the power Simmons.
SIMMONS:Thank you Sir.
GRIF:Simmons? I'm the one that was almost killed just so you could get the electricity back on.
SARGE:Yep, but it was worth it.
GRIF:You say that every time I'm almost killed.
Cut to Simmons approaching Sarge outside the Blood Gulch base
SIMMONS:Sarge, Grif was spying on the Blues and they captured him!
SARGE:What did you find out, are they planning something?
SIMMONS:No, they were just standing around talking like always, but now they're gonna kill him!
SARGE:Well, it was worth it.
Cut to Simmons and Sarge inside the Blood Gulch base
SARGE:The base looks so clean, Simmons! Excellent work.
SIMMONS:Yeah, too bad Grif was almost killed by his allergic reaction to the cleaning supplies.
SARGE:It was worth it.
Cut to Sarge and Simmons standing over Grif on fire
SARGE:...Worth it.
Back to the giant holoroom
SARGE:Only because it's always true. There's very few tasks that wouldn't balance out by you making the ultimate sacrifice.
SIMMONS:And at least this time we got something out of it: we got power, and a new weapon.
SARGE:Let's test this bad boy out.
Sarge hops on the back of the holojeep and points the gun at Grif
GRIF:Whoa, wait a second, does this hologram jeep fire hologram slugs, or real slugs?
SARGE:As long as we're in this room everything will seem real to us. It's all simulated, but your mind makes it real.
SIMMONS:Ooh, like the Matrix.
LOPEZ:Sí. Sin toda la filosifa del este.
CAPTION:Right. But without all the Eastern philosophy stuff that no one understands.
GRIF:Alright, fuck this then, I'm gonna go stand over there.
SARGE:Well guess what, dirtbag, I don't need you for target practice any more. I've got my own holo-Grif programmed in to the system already.
Lopez hits a button on the wall and a new Grif pops up
HOLOGRIF:Hello, I am literally the worst program ever made.
SIMMONS:Sounds like someone hasn't used Google Chrome.
SARGE:Locked and loaded, ready to fire at the bloated. Grif- I mean fake Grif. Go stand over there.
HOLOGRIF:Cool. Whatever.
SARGE:This is a magnetized propulsion system. It can fire massive slugs at an outrageous velocity. Check it out.
Sarge fires, and Hologrif goes flying
HOLOGRIF:Blarg, I deserve it!
SARGE:Heh heh heh. See? How awesome is that?
SIMMONS:Wow!
SARGE:And in ten short seconds, it'll be ready to fire again.
SIMMONS:That's incredible! Wait a minute.
SARGE:Lopez, spawn me another holo-Grif on the pronto!
LOPEZ:Sí.
GRIF:Did you guys see that?
SARGE:Shut up, real Grif. We're doin' important research over here. Hey Simmons, check this out. I'm gonna shoot the next one in the hoohoo.
Another Grif spawns
HOLOGRIF:Oh hey guys, what's going on in thi-
Sarge kills it and we cut to the Blue Base, where Caboose is standing over a body talking in a slightly psychotic voice
CABOOSE:Finally, we're alll here. Now we can be together. Forever.
Cut to more Grifs being destroyed and stacked in the middle of the floor
SARGE:Alright! Lopez, another holo-Grif.
LOPEZ:Esta cosa hace otras blancos....
CAPTION:This thing makes other targets you know....
SARGE:Ah, let's stick to the fundamentals.
SIMMONS:Okay Sarge, do you mean to tell me that this thing fires only once every ten seconds?
SARGE:Yep, it's state of the art.
Another Grif spawns
HOLOGRIF:Let's get this over with.
SIMMONS:But our last weapon fired ten thousand rounds per second!
SARGE:Mmhmm, if my math is right, and I think it is, that seems like more than this one.
SIMMONS:Yes. It is.
SARGE:How much more would you say?
SIMMONS:Well, the Chengo was ten thousand rounds per second, and this would be point-one of a round per second. So yeah, it was.
Sarge kills another one
SARGE:Hm. Does seem to be lacking a bit in the rapid-fire department.
GRIF:I know I'm not crazy, I just saw something red.
SARGE:Oh well, a good craftsman never blames his tools.
SIMMONS:But, we made the tool in this case. Can we blame the craftsman?
SARGE:No Simmons, you and the gun are just gonna have to agree to disagree.
Five more Grifs pop up in a row
SIMMONS:Let me take a look. Maybe I can figure out a way to increase the rate of fire.
SARGE:And maybe Lopez can find a way to produce Grifs faster!
LOPEZ:¡Hace otras blancos!
CAPTION:It makes other things!
GRIF:Guys seriously, I know I saw something.
Grif runs up to the row, which Sarge and Simmons have already driven to
GRIF:Aha, see? Look, this one's weird, it's all light red instead of orange.
SARGE:No, Grif, I'm sure it isn't.
SIMMONS:You're probably still hallucinating from the charge you took.
GRIF:Yeah I don't think so, look.
SARGE:Grif, we're busy! You and Donut shut up and stop distracting us.
GRIF:But I- ...Donut!?
DONUT:(breathy) Water...
GRIF:Hyaaah... Donut?
SIMMONS:Donut?
GRIF:Where the hell did you come from?
DONUT:Water.
GRIF:You came from the water?
DONUT:Water.
Donut collapses
GRIF:I didn't even know you could swim.
DONUT:Grif- he needs help. It's under, the sand. Find him.
GRIF:Oh boy, that sounds like something that's gonna keep us busy for a few months.
SARGE:Holy Mamma Mia Donut! Where's he been?
SIMMONS:Donut! Grif, what did he say?
GRIF:Hm? Who him? Oh, uh he just said he wanted some water.
SIMMONS:That's it?
GRIF:Yeah, uh just the water thing, uh... oh also that he really missed everyone.
SARGE:Why don't I believe you?
GRIF:Um, he also said he liked the new jeep?
SARGE:Hot damn, I always knew that kid had style.


RvB: Reconstruction
Thanksgiving 2008

Fade in to Sarge, Grif and Simmons around a picnic table with Thanksgiving goodies on it
SARGE:Gentlemen. As I'm sure you know, today is a special day. Thanksgiving.
GRIF:Awesome! When do we eat?
SARGE:I thought that since today is an honored tradition, it would be appropriate to recreate the spirit of that original momentous day.
GRIF:Okay, we get it, less talking more eating.
SARGE:Unfortunately it's been almost a thousand years now since the first Thanksgiving, so some of the little details have been lost to history.
GRIF:Yeah, okay. Now can we eat!?
SARGE:But using the power of the internet, I was able to read a bunch of historical documents on the holiday, which for some reason were all authored by first-graders, and accompanied by drawings of their favourite Thanksgiving Day food: severed human hands, that have been coloured and dressed to look like birds.
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:Okay, uh, I'm not hungry any more?
SIMMONS:Saaarge, people didn't eat hands, they ate turkey. Little kids just drew turkeys by tracing their fingers.
GRIF:Where did he get the hands?
SARGE:Why would they do that? Turkeys look nothin' like hands!
SIMMONS:Because they're kids. I don't know, their teacher probably told them to do it.
GRIF:Seriously, where did he get the hands?
SARGE:Well that's just ridiculous! Why would a teacher tell them that? Hand-shaped turkeys; it's no wonder we lost the literacy wars!
GRIF:Where did he get the hands!?
SARGE:I'll bet all their other historical documents are wrong too.
SIMMONS:You mean your online six year old historians might be wrong? Yeah, you might want to fact-check. What did they say?
SARGE:I found another historian who said Thanksgiving was the day when all the Pokemons taught the Jedis how to grow crops.
SIMMONS:No. Thanksgiving's the day the Settlers and Natives sat down at a table and shared a harvest meal together. That's why I took the liberty of inviting our mortal enemies, the Blues, to sit down with us today.
CABOOSE:Hello.
SIMMONS:Or just, the Blue. Since there's only one of them left.
SARGE:Heh heh. Excellent plan, Simmons. Invite 'em to dinner, then shoot 'em in the back. Classic holiday gotcha.
SIMMONS:Sarge, that's not the spirit of Thanksgiving. Well, you know not until years later at least.
SARGE:No shooting in the back? Worst. Dinner party. Ever.
SIMMONS:We all brought dishes from our culture. Sarge, you brought your... awful, hand thing-
CABOOSE:Oh man I totally love those.
SIMMONS:Grif you brought ...individually wrapped snack cakes and cheese dip.
GRIF:The traditional fare of my people.
SIMMONS:And, I prepared a customary Native American meal of: maize. Yum.
GRIF:Awesome! What's maize?
SIMMONS:It's like corn-
GRIF:Yes!
SIMMONS:But totally inedible.
GRIF:Dammit. Wait, that means un-eatable, right?
SIMMONS:Yes.
GRIF:Dammit.
SIMMONS:What did you bring Caboose?
CABOOSE:I brought my Grandmother's famous hair pie!
SARGE:Hubuwyuguh- huh?
CABOOSE:My Grandmother said her hair pie, was a huge hit with the soldiers, so I knew that it would be perfect for today.
GRIF:That's not- what?
CABOOSE:When she was in college, she would give it to all the soldiers returning from war, and they loved it! It made her the most popular girl in town! She never told me the recipe though, so I had to make some guestimates.
SARGE:Son I think we need to have a talk about the culinary arts. And probably some other stuff that you should already know about.
CABOOSE:Okay I love talking.
Sarge and Caboose go off to a corner
SIMMONS:(sigh) Look at them together. That's the true Thanksgiving spirit.
GRIF:I think I'm gonna go lie down, and then throw up.
SIMMONS:Which is also, another big part of Thanksgiving. Way to go, Grif.
While Simmons and Grif are talking, Caboose and Sarge are also talking, mostly inaudible. They continue:
CABOOSE:I dreampt about that the other night.
SARGE:(inaudible)
CABOOSE:What!? Grandma, no!
SARGE:And don't even get me started on the gobble gobble.


RvB: Recreation
Valentine's Day 2009

Fade in to something


SOMEBODY:Hi, I'm somebody from the popular webseries Red vs Blue.


CABOOSE:I'm comic relief!


SOMEBODY:Blah blah Valentine's Day blah blah Grif's probably inbred.


GRIF:Dick.


SIMMONS:Yes?


DONUT:Something predictable.


CABOOSE:Something equally predictable.


CHURCH:I want to kill you all. Today.


CABOOSE:And that's the true meaning of Valentine's Day.


GRIF:Fag.


Repeat for a few more iterations.  The End


RvB: Recreation
You Had Me At Halo

Fade in to the Reds firing at Caboose, who is hiding behind a rocky outcropping and whimpering, and sounding all pathetic
CABOOSE:Oh boo hoo.
GRIF:Hey what's wrong with you Caboose?
CABOOSE:What. Nothing.
GRIF:Come on, we've been shooting at you for like twenty minutes, and you haven't run away screaming once.
CABOOSE:*sigh*
GRIF:It's just not like you.
CABOOSE:I'm sad.
GRIF:Sad?
CABOOSE:I know. It's just... Do you know what today is?
GRIF:Absolutely no clue. What day comes after yesterday?
CABOOSE:It's Valentine's Day.
GRIF:It is?
SIMMONS:Hey, what's going on up here!?
GRIF:Caboose is in a depression.
SIMMONS:It's called a foxhole you idiot. Haven't you learned any military terms yet?
GRIF:No, I mean he's depressed.
CABOOSE:*moaning sigh*
GRIF:See?
SIMMONS:Sad? Who gives a fuck, we're trying to kill him. Let him be sad when he's dead. Hey, you, stop having feelings.
GRIF:Apparently he's upset because it's Valentine's Day.
SIMMONS:It's what?
GRIF:Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day? The day we celebrate love? And romance? You know, girls?
SIMMONS:Oh, oh- oh yeah, right, yeah, duh, I totally know about that day. I celebrate that day all the time. With all kinds of ladies.
GRIF:You don't have to try and impress me.
SIMMONS:Oh you just don't know any of them and uh, I didn't talk about it because you know, that wouldn't be cool.
GRIF:Yeah I'm sure. So why didn't you know what Valentine's Day was?
SIMMONS:Oh I just didn't understand what you said.
GRIF:Well what'd you think I said?
SIMMONS:Valentine's... doy?
GRIF:Ah yeah, I can see how that would throw you off.
CABOOSE:Boo hoo hoo.
GRIF:Oh come on, man.
CABOOSE:I'm all alone now. Church was always my valentine.
GRIF:Why don't I believe that?
CABOOSE:It's true. We had a tradition.
Cut to Church in the past, with Caboose approaching from off screen
CABOOSE:Hey, Church. Happy Valentine-
Cut to Church in the past, with Caboose approaching from off screen
CABOOSE:Church. Would you be my-
Cut to Church and Wash in the past, with Caboose approaching from off screen
CABOOSE:Hey Church, Agent Washington. Nice weather.
CABOOSE:I wonder if we'll find all those mean computer people today.
CABOOSE:You know, because, today would be a great day to find them since today is-
Cut back to Caboose in the foxhole near Grif and Simmons in the present
CABOOSE:I miss him so much!
GRIF:Well you probably shouldn't.
CABOOSE:He loved me!
SIMMONS:Yeah, I have no idea why you'd think that.
CABOOSE:If he didn't love me, then why on every Valentine's Day did he give me my very own heart?
GRIF:That was your heart! After he pulled it out of your chest! Don't you remember? It would always take Doc hours to sew it back in.
SIMMONS:Man, he used to bitch about that so much.
CABOOSE:And now it feels like it's been ripped out again but you know more symbolically this time, instead of like the regular way.
SIMMONS:Would you feel better if we made fun of you and called you names?
CABOOSE:Would you mind?
SIMMONS:Not at all, you stupid fucking shithead.
CABOOSE:Thanks guys. You're the best.


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 1: Don't Get Me Started

Fade in to Sarge at the top of a hill
SARGE:Attention Blue Team! This is the Red Team! We are here to destroy you! Your long reign of being the shittiest team around is about to come to a sudden and cataclysmic end! We will give you a few moments to soak in the horror of this announcement, and then return for your reaction. Be right back!
Sarge heads back down the hill to Grif and Simmons
SARGE:Heh heh, alright, that oughta scare the bejeezus out of them.
SIMMONS:Actually Sir, since it's just one of them over there-
GRIF:And the one is an idiot?
SIMMONS:I don't really see the point in the psychological warfare.
SARGE:You're right, Simmons, it's not really accurate to refer to one person as a team. What's better, Blue Person? Blue Man? Blutonian?
SIMMONS:What I meant was-
SARGE:Bluetard.
SIMMONS:...What I meant was, I don't see the point in announcing to him that we're gonna attack, why don't we just do it?
SARGE:There's an order to this, Simmons. We can't abandon protocol just because we have an advantage. We have to give him a chance to see the errors of his blue ways. To lay down his arms and meet us as felllow men at the table of peace, where we can work together towards a better world: a world that's better, because we poisoned his food at that table, and stabbed him in the eye with a fork. And taken all his stuff.
SIMMONS:Dibs on the computers.
SARGE:Noted. Now watch that base, tell me if anything changes.
SIMMONS:Yes Sir. And Sir?
SARGE:Yes Simmons?
SIMMONS:I just want to say, I'm glad I was here to see you on your day of victory. It's been a long time coming.
SARGE:Yes it has, hasn't it? My skills as a leader have really taken us far. It must have been quite an honor to serve with me. Ahh. Okay, glad we had this talk.
SIMMONS:Are you glad I'm here too Sarge?
SARGE:Of course I am.
SIMMONS:I knew it. I just knew-
SARGE:A squad's kill/death ratio is the most important measurement when evaluating Sergeants. If you had died, that would have hurt my numbers.
SIMMONS:*sniff* Glad I could help.
SARGE:It's critical to keep a little padding in your stats. That way if we're far enough ahead, I can stab Grif in the face, and still stay in the lead.
GRIF:You know, I'm standing right here.
SARGE:Right where I want you! Within face stabbing range.
Radio sounds
SARGE:Lopez, how're those vehicle repairs coming?
LOPEZ:Se destruye el jeep. El no ser fijó.
CAPTION:Coming? The jeep is destroyed. It can't be fixed.
SARGE:Got an ETA?
LOPEZ:Si. Nunca.
CAPTION:Yes. Never.
SARGE:Well as long as I get it ASAP. 'Cause I need it PDQ.
LOPEZ:Entonces, nunca menos uno.
CAPTION:In that case, never minus one.
SARGE:Lopez, you're a regular RFR. Really fast robot. Grif, make a note in the acronym journal. Simmons, status report!
SIMMONS:Still just one Blue, Sir.
SARGE:Lopez, status report!
LOPEZ:¡Déjeme solo!
CAPTION:You already talked to me, jackass!
SARGE:Hey Blue! Don't think we've forgotten aboutcha! Still gonna kill you any second! Count on it!
GRIF:Sarge, have you thought this invasion all the way through?
SARGE:Of course I have. We beat the Blues, we win, you suck. That's the whole way through.
GRIF:Euh, and who do we fight then?
SARGE:We fight! R- other Blues.
GRIF:But what if no more Blues come, I mean they haven't sent reinforcements yet. What if they never do?
SIMMONS:Why would you want more Blues?
GRIF:Well, we have this new base and all this new equipment, who else are we gonna test it on?
SIMMONS:Who cares? The war would be over!
GRIF:Oh, great.
SARGE:You're suggesting we don't attack them? Grif, that's borderline traitorism!
SIMMONS:I think the word you're looking for, is 'treason,' Sir.
GRIF:Never mind Sarge, I was wrong, if the war's over and we win, well that's just great.
SARGE:Of course it would be.
GRIF:I mean no more early morning runs, no more training exercises, why would we need to do any of that stuff, right? We won!
SARGE:Right...
GRIF:And all of this new equipment, we can just let it fall in to disrepair. I mean we don't need it. We won't even need to test it, because we're winning: we're about to make it all obsolete.
SARGE:Huhhhhh.
GRIF:And just think about this Sarge, no more boring staff meetings, ever.
SARGE:Uh huh? Hey Blue! There's uh gonna be a slight delay in your destruction. Hang tight! Maybe I should call our new Command. They'll tell us what we should do.
GRIF:Hyeah, the old one was so great, the new one's gotta be even better.
SARGE:Command, come in Command.
Radio sounds
SARGE:This is Blood Gulch Outpost- er, wait, I mean, Simmons, what's the name of this place again?
SIMMONS:Valhalla.
SARGE:Vahaldaget, jangocaulit- thingie. Outpost Number One! Do you read? Come in, I need advisement on what to do about Blue Team!
SIMMONS:What are you doing?
GRIF:What do you mean what am I doing? We have one enemy here, we can milk this for years.
SARGE:No, Blue Team. Blue.
GRIF:If we beat him, Command will just send us to some new base, where we have to fight a real team.
SIMMONS:So?
GRIF:So?! Do you wanna fight one shitty enemy, or five real enemies?
SARGE:Bee El You Ee. Blue. Try lookin' under 'suck it.'
GRIF:You want me to help you subtract one from five? I know that's tough for you.
SIMMONS:Shut up.
CABOOSE:Hey guys.
SIMMONS:What are you doing here?
CABOOSE:Just getting parts from the crashed ship. What are you guys up to?
GRIF:We're deciding whether or not to kill you and wipe out your team forever.
CABOOSE:Ah. That's tough.
GRIF:We're kinda split on the decision right now.
CABOOSE:Do I get a vote?
SIMMONS:No! Get back to your base, stop wandering around during your defeat. It's confusing.
CABOOSE:Oh, okay, sorry.
SIMMONS:And what are you working on!?
CABOOSE:Still not telling you!
Caboose returns from whence he came
SARGE:Hello, hello! Hello? They hung up on me.
SIMMONS:Why?
SARGE:They said that they didn't even have record of a blue team. Nothing on Blues at all on their computer system.
SIMMONS:Oh. Ohhhhh.
SARGE:What?
SIMMONS:We deleted them, remember? From Command's computers. We wiped them out.
SARGE:We did?
SIMMONS:Yeah, don't you remember?
SARGE:Ah, right.
Cut to Simmons in front of the computer, with Grif and Sarge present
SARGE:Simmons, execute the hypotenuse initiative, and delete the Blues.
SIMMONS:Done. The Blues now never existed. I also upgraded your payscales while I was at it.
SARGE:Well deserved.
GRIF:Yeah, we win!
Sarge shoots Grif in the side of the head with his shotgun from an abnormally close distance
GRIF:Blarg, I am dead. But that's okay, I don't deserve to enjoy victory. My life has meant nothing.
SARGE:What a great day! Simmons, transform to motorcycle mode.
SIMMONS:(robotically) You got it Sir. Choop-choop-choop-choop-choop!
Simmons turns in to a motorcycle
SIMMONS:Beep beep.
SARGE:Let's get outta here.
Sarge mounts Simmons, with connotations I don't even want to consider, and drives off
SARGE:Yeee haw!
Cut back to reality, where Sarge has never straddled Simmons' thighs
SIMMONS:That's not what happened.
SARGE:Of course it is!
GRIF:Then how am I still alive?
SARGE:I ask myself that question every day. Moto-Simmons! Run him over.


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 2: Free Refills

Fade in to Caboose talking to the purple unit
CABOOSE:Then there was the time we got a tank. At first no-one knew how to drive it but, then there was a big fight and my team got in trouble, so I talked to the tank. She was really nice, you're really gonna like her. Anyways the team was in trouble, and I had to use the tank to drive out there and help them... well, help most of them. Et- some of them. Okay let's just say this, I drove the tank and some people got helped... and some other people didn't get helped. Details aren't really important.
Cut to Red Base and all the shenanigans that usually go on over there. What will those wacky kids get themselves in to this time?
SARGE:Grif, where the hell are ya? Grif! Grif? Grif! Come on.
GRIF:I'm in here!
SARGE:Where are you? Grif I need you.
GRIF:In here, in the base.
SARGE:I can't hear you. Get out here.
GRIF:Okay. Damn, what is it?
SARGE:Where's Simmons?
GRIF:Simmons, if you wanted Simmons, why didn't you yell like a lunatic for Simmons?
SARGE:Dammit Grif, I entrust you with one duty, and that's to know exactly where Simmons is at all times so I can find him. Simmons watches Donut, Donut watches me!
GRIF:Yeah, who watches me?
SARGE:Nobody. You move less than Donut does. Now where's Simmons?
GRIF:I don't know, he's downstairs in your hologram simulatron, or whatever the hell you call it.
SARGE:Excellent work, Private Grif.
GRIF:Wow. Thank you Sir.
SARGE:I'm gonna recommend you for a big shiny medal.
GRIF:Okay, you're being sarcastic right now aren't you.
SARGE:Oh absolutely. Wait, was your question sarcastic?
GRIF:Who knows, probably? Unless- wait, are you being sarcastic right now by asking that?
SARGE:...Eu, maybe we should drop this conversation.
GRIF:Yeah...
SARGE:What's Simmons doin' downstairs?
GRIF:Sorry, not in my job description!
SARGE:Rrr, I'll ask him myself.
Cut to Sarge approaching Simmons in the holodoohickythingie
SARGE:Simmons, there you are! I've been looking everywhere for you.
SIMMONS:Really? Sorry Sir, I was just down here working on the jeep prototype. I know you really wanna see it built, and we need to work out a few bugs in the design.
SARGE:A few bugs?
SIMMONS:Yeah, you know, like the fact it stalls every time we fire the magnetic cannon beam 'cause you based it on an E.M.P.
SARGE:Oh right.
SIMMONS:Kind of a critical flaw, if you don't mind me saying.
SARGE:Oh, I don't mind you saying. Feedback is important.
SIMMONS:It's just sometimes I feel bad criticizing your work. You know, because you're in charge and all.
SARGE:Simmons, there's no reason to feel that way, you're a valuable member of the team. I always find your feedback to be both insightful, and appropriate.
SIMMONS:Really?
SARGE:I know I can be gruff sometimes, but that's only because it's hard being the leader. You know, dealing with those dirty Blues and that lousy Grif character all the time.
SIMMONS:He is lazy Sir.
SARGE:I don't mean to complain, but sometimes, I just need a friend. Simmons, we've been working together a long time, I hope I can call you a friend. And that you can call me... the same.
SIMMONS:Gosh Sir, I don't know what to say. If it's okay with you, I would really like it if I could just call you Dad.
Real Sarge shows up on the entrance platform and breaks up the mushfest
SARGE:Simmons, are you down here!?
SIMMONS:What- yes- I mean, yes, give me a second don't come in!
SARGE:What the hell are you doing?
SIMMONS:Nothing, I was just working on your jeep design and-
SARGE:What? Stay away from my jeep. It's perfect! You'll just mess it up!
SIMMONS:Yes Sir.
SARGE:And who were you talking to?
SIMMONS:Heuh...
Holo-Sarge goes away, holo-style
SIMMONS:Nobody.
SARGE:Well get upstairs on the pronto. We need to have a meeting, and I need someone to agree with me.
SIMMONS:Do you want to brief me on the details first, so I know what I'll be agreeing to?
SARGE:Oh yeah, I'll get right on that. Send you a memo.
SIMMONS:Really? Because I've been working on a template, and I think it's ready to-
SARGE:No, of course not! Why the hell would I do that? What'd you get exposed to radiation or somethin' down here? (exiting down the hall) That boy's gone crazy.
SIMMONS:I like my digital life so much better than my stupid real life.
Holo-Grif appears
GRIF:I love boners!
SIMMONS:Shut up fake Grif.
Cut to Simmons approaching Grif and Sarge just outside the base
SARGE:Finally. Maybe now we can get started.
GRIF:What's your problem?
SIMMONS:Nothing, leave me alone.
SARGE:Men, as you know, the Blues have been erased from Command records, for some unknown reason.
SIMMONS:Unknown Sir? We're the ones that did it.
SARGE:You can't prove that.
SIMMONS:I think we can.
GRIF:Prove it to who?
SIMMONS:Because we're the ones that did it.
SARGE:Allegedly.
SIMMONS:Not allegedly: you told me to do it, and I did it.
SARGE:Reportedly! Let's not go accusing people and inviting law suit until we know the facts.
GRIF:Who's gonna sue us? Us? We're gonna- wait, are we gonna sue ourselves?
SARGE:I'm going to defer this conversation, to my legal team.
GRIF:So that means the staff meeting is over?
SARGE:No!
GRIF:Why not?
SARGE:We have too much to discuss. Isn't that right Simmons?
SIMMONS:Hhhh, absolutely Sir. No-one has ever been more right than you.
GRIF:Wow, someone's phoning it in.
SARGE:If the Blues aren't in Command's database, that means even if we destroy them in a resounding victory, it still won't count as a win. It's like we didn't even beat anybody.
GRIF:Hey that's right, I never thought about that Sir!
SIMMONS:Meh. Whatever.
SARGE:So that means, we can't kill the Blues.
GRIF:Exactly, because if we defeated them, it wouldn't even count. And that's the best part about winning a war, getting the points.
SARGE:Bingo.
SIMMONS:No, why would we try to win? It's only what we're supposed to do.
SARGE:We need to find a way to get them back in the database first.
GRIF:So, your plan is to hold off our attack until our superior officers take notice of one of the teams in this canyon? And, notice them well enough to actually go out of their way to add them back in to the database? Or, do anything at all in any way to formally recognize one of us in an official capacity?
SARGE:You got it.
GRIF:This is probably the single greatest plan I've ever heard in my entire life.
SIMMONS:You would think that, kiss-ass.
SARGE:Simmons, can it! And thank you Private- duowh, Grif. Pheua.
GRIF:You're- welcome? Am I, saying that right?
SARGE:So, our first order of business should be to fortify our own team. Get ready for the big battle. Let's get Donut back on his feet.
GRIF:Hey, where's Donut?
SARGE:Simmons, where'd he go?
SIMMONS:How would I know?
SARGE:Keeping track of Donut is one of your duties.
GRIF:Ooh hooh hooh- busted.
SIMMONS:Neh who cares.
Back to Caboose being mostly uninteresting
CABOOSE:And then there was the time we turned all of our armor black, because Tex was captured. You remember her.I told you all about her. It was a crazy adventure. Then there was another time when she helped us break in to O'Malley's fortress. Did I tell you that one already?
The camera pans to reveal Donut
CABOOSE:Hey! Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched by someone? ...Donut, I'm asking you a question.


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 3: Visiting Hours

Fade in to the Canyon
SARGE:Come on men! Lopez said Donut went this way.
GRIF:Are you sure that's what he said? I don't think pendejo was Spanish for that way.
Editor's note: pendejo is an insult that can mean anything from idiot to motherfucker. Cut to Caboose and Donut
CABOOSE:Muffinman!
DONUT:Caboose! I have a message for Church. Weh, where is he?
CABOOSE:Hey are you okay?
DONUT:Just a little weak. Where's Church?
CABOOSE:Church? Oh, um, he's not here right now.
DONUT:Where is he?
CABOOSE:Uh, he's up- he that's kind of a- um, it turns out he was really a computer program based on some guy who ran the Freelancer Project and he went with Agent Washington he's a Freelancer and destroyed all the other A.I.s that were left.
DONUT:...
CABOOSE:Well almost all.
DONUT:How long was I asleep?
CABOOSE:Not that long.
DONUT:Listen, I don't know how long, I can stay awake. I need to get someone, on Blue Team, a message. I promised.
CABOOSE:I know people on the Blue Team. People on the inside. You can give it to me.
DONUT:Tuck-
CABOOSE:Tuck! You want me to tuck? What do you want me to tuck? Wait, my mother told me never to tuck anything of anyone else's.
DONUT:Tuckuhhhh-
CABOOSE:Tucker?
DONUT:He needs, help. Find him. It's in, the sand.
Donut collapses
CABOOSE:It's in this and. This and what? Donut this and what? What is 'this'? What what- your pocket? Is Tucker in your pocket? I remember him being a lot bigger. Tucker! Are you in there!?
SARGE:Hey, anybody here? Blue? Where are ya?
CABOOSE:Tucker, is that you? Why did you shrink? And why are you talking like a Pirate?
SARGE:Helloooo.
CABOOSE:Hello! Yes I hear you!
SARGE:Then get outside! I need to talk to you.
CABOOSE:Out? Ohhh, I see, I thou- man sometimes I am so dumb. Hold on pocket Tucker! Someone outside wants to talk to me! Donut, you can rest here, as long as you want. You must be tired from all of this and. And other stuff.
DONUT:Nohh, it's not pink... it's lightish red. Hey Sarge, I should totally get a jetpack. Or a motorcycle.
Caboose emerges to meet the ever imposing Red Army
CABOOSE:Hey guys. Great to see you. Wait- unless you're here to blow me up. Then, not so great.
SARGE:We're lookin' for something we've uh, uuu lost.
CABOOSE:Is it the keys to your base? I do that a lot. But it's really easy to break in, because... there are no doors.
SARGE:No, we're lookin' for something else. But I'm not gonna tell you what it is and give you some kind of advantage.
CABOOSE:Can you describe it?
GRIF:Yeah, it's pink-
SIMMONS:It's annoying-
SARGE:Has kind of a spring in its step-
CABOOSE:Oh, you mean Donut.
SARGE:Ah, yes! Where is he?
CABOOSE:He's in my base. He'll be staying with me for a little while.
SARGE:You've captured him? Diabolical. What're you doing with him?
CABOOSE:Don't worry, he's resting. Comftorbubly.
GRIF:Ooh, that sounds ominous, don't back down now Sir.
SARGE:Give him back.
CABOOSE:Actually there's some things he needs to tell me. I'll send him home after that.
SARGE:Squeezin' him for information, eh?
SIMMONS:Sarge, I don't think that he's-
CABOOSE:Hey- no-one is squeezing anybody. I was just working with my tools and he-
SARGE:Torture!? You ungodly fiend! He won't give you any info. He'll die before he reveals anything. Hear that Donut!? You'll die before you talk! We all know that, keep up the good work.
CABOOSE:Actually he already told me the beginning part.
SARGE:He told you about our secret new vehicle? Dammit Donut you idiot.
SIMMONS:Sarge!
CABOOSE:He told me about- this and.
SARGE:He told you about that, and our new hologram chamber? Donut, put a lid on it!
SIMMONS:Sarge! (sigh), I'm gonna go sleep under a tree. Come wake me up when the brain summit is over.
GRIF:Are you kidding? I hope this lasts forever. Psst- hey Sarge, maybe there's a ransom.
SARGE:Good thinking. What is it you want, Blue?
CABOOSE:What do I want? Do you have any cookies?
SARGE:What are your demands? You have to give us your demands.
CABOOSE:I demand cookies!
SARGE:Now you're just toying with us. Yer depravity knows no bounds!
GRIF:Yeah!
CABOOSE:Well at least I don't go around, knocking on people's non-doors, and promising them cookies, and then, not giving them cookies! I'm leaving!
Caboose disappears within the base
SARGE:Wait!
GRIF:Hmm, looks like negotiations have broken down. Should we call in a nuke strike?
SARGE:Negative, we've got a man in there. Well, you know, Donut.
DONUT:Ow, that hurt!
SARGE:Aw, listen to that! He's killin' him in there!
Cut to the inside of Blue Base
CABOOSE:Oops! Sorry Donut. Didn't mean to step on your head like that. Are you okay.
DONUT:H-h, what happened? Who was that?
CABOOSE:Oh that was your team, they're playing some kind of prank. Offering snacks and then not giving snacks.
DONUT:I hate when they do that. Who was it?
CABOOSE:Oh it was Red Sergeant and Grif. They were working together while Simmons was laying under a tree being lazy.
DONUT:What the- how long was I asleep this time?
SARGE:Donut, just don't tell him we have Lopez back!


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 4: Catching Up

Fade in to Donut at Command
COUNSELLOR:Private Donut, we want to debrief you now that your tour in Blood Gulch is over.
DONUT:Great! Wait, over?
COUNSELLOR:I'm just going to ask you some, standard questions to rate your experience, and I will be filling out a form based on your responses. Do you understand?
DONUT:Yes Sir.
COUNSELLOR:Alright, then let's begin. During your deployment you were assigned to the Red Team, is that correct?
DONUT:That's right! You can tell by my lightish red armor.
COUNSELLOR:I'm, a bit confused. By 'lightish red,' do you mean pink?
DONUT:No, I mean lightish red.
COUNSELLOR:... Let's come back to this during the free form period.
DONUT:Okeedoke.
COUNSELLOR:Now, as to your experience in Blood Gulch, would you say it was 'satisfactory,' 'somewhat satisfactory,' or 'unsatisfactory?'
DONUT:I would sayyyy... satisfactory.
COUNSELLOR:Alright, now I want you to look at this picture.
DONUT:Oh, hey, I know where that is.
COUNSELLOR:Which of the following best describes this picture? Would you say it is a) the new location where your team was assigned, b) the source of a mysterious energy reading, or c) -
DONUT:That's just where we landed.
COUNSELLOR:Where you landed. Can you elaborate?
DONUT:Yeah, we were defusing a bomb by this guy Omega, but then the bomb went off and it was such a huge explosion, that it totally threw us in to the future and we landed there in that place.
COUNSELLOR:I'm not sure I understand. The future?
DONUT:Sarge said that since we were surrounded by ice when the bomb went off, and then it was all sand, the ice age must have ended, and that would have taken a reeeally long time. So, it must have pushed us in to the future.
COUNSELLOR:I, don't have a checkbox for that. So I'm just going to write down 'other.'
DONUT:Yeah, other works. I like other.
COUNSELLOR:Well, I suppose there's no reason to ask the rest of our questions. Thank you for a very, enlightening interview.
Cut to Caboose and Donut in Blue Base under rather peculiar lighting for some reason.
DONUT:So, then after that, they transferred me to that new base. I guess we left before we were supposed to do what they wanted us to.
CABOOSE:That's a pretty crazy story Donut.
DONUT:But when I got there, all I found was a distress beacon from Tucker. It said to get Church; I think Tucker was captured. There was somethin' there. Somethin' scary.
Sarge enters the opening of the base, turns around slightly, and a mysterious anonymous form runs across near him, unnoticed by all but us, the viewers. We're crafty like that
CABOOSE:That sounds scary.
DONUT:Yeah. Hey, that thing sure makes a racket.
CABOOSE:Who Epsilon? Yeah, it does that when you talk to it. It loves when people tell it stories. Especially about things, that have happened to us, and, and people we've met.
DONUT:You've been telling it stories?
CABOOSE:Yeah you know, to the best of my memory.
DONUT:The best of your memory?
CABOOSE:Yeah.
DONUT:I bet those are some pretty weird stories. So, what is it?
CABOOSE:Oh, it's a memory component from a bigger A.I. that a bunch of scientists wanted to copy to make more but they couldn't. So they drove it crazy until it developed a split personality and, then they harvested all the different personalities for their experiments. You know.
DONUT:Pretty weird.
CABOOSE:I'm using it, and parts from Tex's body, parts from Sheila to make a new super best friend... but it's not going so well. I lit myself on fire.
DONUT:Where did you get it?
CABOOSE:We went on a big adventure- kind of like your adventure in that we needed help kind of like you need help. And then we needed some help and we got help from somebody. It was very helpful.
DONUT:Well, could the person who helped you help us now?
CABOOSE:Ooooh. Oh?
Cut to Washington standing in the middle of an empty room with a dude in poorly lit white armor approaching
WHITE DUDE:Washington. Got a call for you.
WASHINGTON:A call for me... who even knows I'm here?
WHITE DUDE:It came in on your personal secure channel. They routed it to us. You can, take it in here if you want.
WASHINGTON:Thanks.
WHITE DUDE:Three minutes.
WASHINGTON:What? Oh, yeah. Okay.
Wash heads downstairs and takes the call
WASHINGTON:This is Agent- uhm, this is Washington. Who's there?
CABOOSE:Agent Washington!
WASHINGTON:Oh dear lord. Caboose? How did you even find me?
CABOOSE:You are on my computer screen! I just looked at it!
WASHINGTON:No, I mean- never mind. What's going on, are you okay? I haven't heard anything about you.
CABOOSE:Oh yeah, I'm good. How 'bout you?
WASHINGTON:All things considered, guess I should be glad to be alive.
CABOOSE:Yeah. Did you get a big medal for beating Project Freelancer?
WASHINGTON:Yeah, sure. I've got a bunch more metal in my life now. How 'bout you?
CABOOSE:They gave us shiny new bases! The Reds have their place, and I have my own place! It's kinda cool! I think I'm gonna get a drum set.
WASHINGTON:Yeah- wait. Seriously? You have a new base?
CABOOSE:Well, it's not new new. They gave us the ones that were abandoned from Project Freelancer.
WASHINGTON:They gave you a base.
CABOOSE:What you didn't get a new base too?
WASHINGTON:No. No I didn't.
CABOOSE:Well you can come here and share my base with me. Oh, we need your help! Can you come right away? Can you come help us?
WASHINGTON:I don't think that's going to happen.
Some dude in white armor approaches Wash
WHITE DUDE:Alright Washington, back in your cell.
WASHINGTON:Guard, I need to see the Commander. Now.
WHITE DUDE:Yeah right, why the hell would I let you do that?
WASHINGTON:Because I think I've just found the missing piece to his puzzle.


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 5: Local Host

Fade in to Donut and Caboose on top of Blue Base
CABOOSE:Hello? Hello, Agent Washington. Are you there? ...Hello? ...Hello. ...Hello. ...Hello. ...Hello.
DONUT:Um, I think he hung up.
CABOOSE:No, I don't think so, I don't think he'd do anything like that hello? Hello.
DONUT:Okay, well, I think I'll just head back to my base. If you can think of anything to help me with that desert situation, just give me a ring.
CABOOSE:Okay.
DONUT:You need any help with your Frankenstein friend project?
CABOOSE:Oh no but uh, if you see any mechanical parts laying around that, look friendly? Would you save them for us.
DONUT:Well sure. I could ask Sarge if you can use his underground secret workshop. I heard the guys talking about it, it sounded cool.
CABOOSE:Oh right, they mentioned that earlier when they came by to pick you up.
DONUT:He doesn't usually like letting the enemy use our equipment, but maybe I'll catch him in a good mood.
CABOOSE:Oh, you could try killing the orange one first! That would probably put him in a great mood!
DONUT:Yeah, that's a good idea and all, but we have all these rules against killing people from our own team.
CABOOSE:Lame.
DONUT:Tell me about it.
CABOOSE:No I don't think we have rules like that on Blue Team.
DONUT:Man, our team sucks.
Donut runs in to the troop cannon and gets vaulted out of Blue Base toward his own
CABOOSE:Oh, so that's how that works.
Caboose goes back downstairs
CABOOSE:Secret underground workshop, huh? Well, I have to try something. I don't seem to be very good about doing this on my own.
A fire starts in the corner
CABOOSE:Oh right, now how did that even start!?
Cut to Sarge talking with Simmons and Grif
SARGE:Men with Donut captured, I think we should abandon our previous plan of not attacking the Blues, and institute a new plan, of attacking the Blues.
SIMMONS:Good.
SARGE:Winning a war is one thing, but having a man captured is quite another. I can't stand by knowing we've left a man behind. So I need a volunteer to run a suicide rescue mission. This won't be easy. And you're almost certain to die.
GRIF:Why are you looking at me when you say that?
SARGE:Thanks for volunteering Grif. Now the plan is to run straight at Blue Base, grab Donut, and carry him home over your shoulder. Even if he's not hurt. That way when the Blues track you down and kill ya, Donut will still have fresh legs to run home and avoid recapture.
As Sarge is saying that, Donut is making his way back to them from behind him
SIMMONS:Uhm, Sir?
Donut arrives
SARGE:Quiet Simmons! You've been too unreliable lately for a suicide mission. I think I need to go with a pro.
GRIF:Gee thanks Sir.
SARGE:Just get him back here, I can't stand Donut being captured another minute.
DONUT:Aw, that's sweet Sarge, thank you.
SARGE:What the-
GRIF:Mission accomplished Sir.
SARGE:Excellent work, Private Grif.
GRIF:Thanks Sir. Request permission to go AWOL for a few months?
SARGE:Permission denied.
GRIF:Meh, had to try.
SARGE:Donut, you're back. Are you okay? You look fine to me.
DONUT:I do? Wehell, I did switch to a new armor polish recently. Thanks for noticing Sarge.
SARGE:No, I mean they didn't hurt ya.
DONUT:Hurt me? Oh no, not at all. And it's not a 'them' over there, it's only a 'him.' They only have one guy now.
SARGE:Just one soldier, eh? That seems like it could be a tactical advantage.
SIMMONS:We already knew that.
SARGE:And now it's confirmed.
GRIF:Permission to switch Simmons to the Blue Team Sir?
SARGE:Permission denied.
GRIF:Nuh, had to try.
SIMMONS:Fuck it, I'm gonna go help Lopez with the jeep.
SARGE:Okay Donut, I want as much information as possible. Let's get you debriefed.
DONUT:That sounds like fun. Boy, things have really changed around here.
SARGE:That's not what I meant!
Cut to Caboose overseeing this from a hilltop
CABOOSE:Okay Epsilon, let's get in there. And try to stay quiet. It's sneaking time.
Cut to Simmons and Lopez, with Caboose sneaking past them really, really poorly, but somehow not getting caught
SIMMONS:No no- that one goes there, this one goes here.
LOPEZ:Ese agujero es el rededor como su boca gorda grande.
SIMMONS:Here just let me do it, give me your wrench.
LOPEZ:Esta es un martillo idiota.
CAPTION:This is a hammer you fucking idiot.
CABOOSE:I am sneaking I am sneaking-
Cut back to Sarge and co., with a crate moving in the background that obviously has Caboose behind it
SARGE:Did you tell him anything?
DONUT:Not really. It seems like they had most of the information anyway.
SARGE:What?
DONUT:Yeah, I was actually surprised by how much information he had gathered about our weapons and facilities.
SARGE:We've got a leak! Grif, find out who's been gabbin'.
CABOOSE:Sneaking sneaking sneaking.
Grif watches as Caboose's crate gets caught on the edge of Red Base's ramp and makes a terrible ruckus
SARGE:Grif, can you find the leak or not?
CABOOSE:Oh- what was that?
GRIF:I'll get right on that Sir. I'm sure the leak is someone very close to us. Specifically, someone very nearby me.
Cut to Caboose in Sarge's giant room
CABOOSE:Put that thing here, this room is boring boring boring. Boring. Boring boring, boring.
Epsilon starts making his noises again
CABOOSE:Epsilon shush. ...Epsilon, seriously, stop it. They're going to hear you.
The holo-room generates a figure
CABOOSE:It's you.


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 6: One New Message

Cut to Epsilon opening up on the floor of Sarge's secret underground holographic room and Delta coming out in hologram form in front of Caboose
CABOOSE:It's you!
DELTA:Hello Caboose. It seems fitting to say that it is good to see you again. Although, technically, that is untrue.
CABOOSE:Delta! I thought you were gone. I thought you were erased in the e- electronic thing whose name some people have trouble remembering.
DELTA:Actually, this is not Delta. We simply felt that you would be most comfortable speaking to Delta.
As far as this transcript is concerned, it's Delta. Suck it, Burns
CABOOSE:We?
DELTA:Yes, Epsilon strongly remembers all the other A.I. fragments. When Alpha went insane, Epsilon carried the burden of those memories. We can appear as anyone. In this case, Delta. Who, from your stories, was a trusted source of information for you. Therefor, we felt it best to take his likeness, for this conversation.
CABOOSE:Oh. That makes sense.
DELTA:Yes, we felt you would say that.
CABOOSE:So you can, appear as anyone?
DELTA:Theoretically, yes. Anyone in our memory banks.
CABOOSE:What about a chair?
DELTA:If you felt that was fitting. The holographic technology in this room allows us to project ourselves in any manner. It is surprisingly advanced.
CABOOSE:How about a giraffe.
DELTA:Look, let's just say we can look like many different things, and just leave it at that. Okay?
CABOOSE:Okay.
DELTA:We regret that we will not be able to appear to you or communicate with you outside of this room. So you must listen carefully.
CABOOSE:...
DELTA:Caboose. Did you understand what I-
CABOOSE:I am listening carefully.
DELTA:Alright, it can be hard to tell. Caboose, we need you to find a way to help us. Washington said, when Epsilon was recovered, that our memories could be used to punish the people who tortured Alpha.
CABOOSE:Okay.
DELTA:Washington will not trust us, and our new recent attempts to build a new body are not working.
CABOOSE:We had a fire!
DELTA:We remember. Your friend from Red Team described a location nearby with a strange energy source.
CABOOSE:Op- that's where Tucker is.
DELTA:We don't have many memories of him-
CABOOSE:Yeah I never really liked him so, I leave him out of mosta the stories.
DELTA:The Freelancer project found a source of intense energy, so a scenario team was sent to investigate the area. But they left without doing anything.
CABOOSE:They sound dumb.
DELTA:Indeed. This place sounds like the location of the energy source. You should go there, and investigate. We can explain more when the opportunity arises.
CABOOSE:Okay I can help you do that. Even if it helps Tucker too.
DELTA:Thank you Caboose. We have to go now. Someone is coming. Remember, memory is the key.
Delta vanishes and Epsilon closes back up
CABOOSE:What? I thought we were done with that part.
Sarge appears on the platform above Caboose
SARGE:Ah ha! Somebody is down here!
SIMMONS:See, I told you it wasn't me who moved your favourite crate.
SARGE:Alright Simmons, I said I believed you. Just drop it already.
SIMMONS:Don't know why you like that stupid thing so much anyway.
SARGE:Hey Blue, what do you think you're doing down here? You'd better not have messed up any of my stuff.
GRIF:Messed up what, everything down here is fake.
SARGE:Yeah, well who knows how he could have sabotaged the system. Better run a diagnostic.
SIMMONS:Yheh, if he sabotaged anything I'm sure he just ended up fixing it.
SARGE:What do you think you're doing down here, Blue?
CABOOSE:Nothing. I was just ah, I was just looking around. I need to leave anyways. I have to pack.
GRIF:See? Problem averted. Back to- wait, you're leaving leaving?
CABOOSE:UhI need to find my friend Tucker.
DONUT:The guy in the desert? Awesome!
GRIF:But then there won't be any more Blues here. Which means they'll probably send-
CABOOSE:Actually I'm gonna go find Tucker bring him back. Then there will be two Blues! Plenty for you to fight!
GRIF:Why don't I have confidence in this mission?
CABOOSE:Yeah it sounds super dangerous but I'm sure I can manage. I've done dangerous stuff before and I've always come out- fine, both physically and...
SARGE:...
SIMMONS:...
GRIF:Caboose?
CABOOSE:-mentally.
GRIF:Yeah, this is not gonna work. Hey Sarge, permission to go on the Blue's stupid mission?
SARGE:What?
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:Don't you see? If he dies on this mission, and let's be honest, when he dies on this mission, that means they won't be back in Command's records yet.
SARGE:Well that's not good.
GRIF:But if I help him pull this off, then Command might notice them and put 'em back in.
SARGE:Excellent point, Grif.
SIMMONS:No. It isn't.
SARGE:Permission granted.
GRIF:Um, you've never actually said that to me before. That means yes, right?
SARGE:Yes.
GRIF:Okay, just checking.
SARGE:And I'm coming with you.
GRIF:What?
SIMMONS:Whaaat?
SARGE:Simmons, how 'bout you, ya in?
SIMMONS:I think I'll stay at the base and provide logistical support, Sir.
SARGE:Sounds good. Let's get a move-on. We'll either restore the Blues or we'll fail and I'll get to watch you die. It's a no-lose!
CABOOSE:Sounds perfect!
GRIF:Wait, you mean Simmons gets to hang out at the base while I go out on a dangerous mission!?
SIMMONS:That's right. Enjoy the limelight, Private Kissass. I'll just be hanging out here with Donut until you get back. (fake yawn) I think it's time for a nap.
DONUT:Oh-ho, man, this is going to be great. It'll be like a sleepover. Ahand we can decorate. How awesome is this gonna be? I'll go get my wallpaper book, Simmons, you be thinking 'bout paint colours.
GRIF AND  SIMMONS:Aw man, I think I'm regretting this already.


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 7: Bon Voyage

Fade in to everyone in front of the jeep
SARGE:And get these water cans cleaned up while we're gone. How much water do you need to drink, Donut?
DONUT:I was in the desert! Don't judge me.
GRIF:Maybe we should learn from that and bring some water ourselves.
SARGE:Nonsense, will just slow us down.
GRIF:Slow us down more than dehydration? Or death? By dehydration?
SARGE:I don't know, smartass. Let's say we try. I'll kill ya, then I'll dry you out. Who wants Grif jerky?
CABOOSE:Oh, no thanks, I already had Donut's for breakfast.
GRIF:Wait, what?
SARGE:Alright let's get going. Everybody packed?
CABOOSE:Yep.
GRIF:Where's your stuff?
CABOOSE:Oh I only carry a washcloth and six toothbrushes.
GRIF:I'm gonna assume that makes sense to you.
CABOOSE:Yeah it does.
GRIF:Yeah, I thought so. We'll just go ahead and leave that one alone.
SARGE:Grif, why'd ya pack so much?
GRIF:Me? I only did one duffel.
SARGE:Well what are all these cases?
DONUT:Those are mine!
SARGE:Donut, you're going with us?
DONUT:No, but I wasn't gonna let you guys have all the packing fun to yourselves, that's the best part of going on vacation. I mean besides airport security's full cavity sear-
GRIF:Time to go.
SARGE:Now Lopez, I want you to take good care of Simmons and Donut while we're gone.
LOPEZ:¿Yo?
CAPTION:Me?
SARGE:Feed them every day-
LOPEZ:¿O sin plomo e stupendo?
CAPTION:Do they eat Unleaded? Or Super Unleaded?
SARGE:Exactly. And don't forget to let 'em out in the yard every now and then.
DONUT:I love yard time.
SIMMONS:Good byye.
SARGE:If I don't make it back from the mission, bury me and Grif as far apart as possible. I don't wanna get any corpse cooties.
GRIF:Why do you assume I'll be dead?
SARGE:...
GRIF:Never mind.
SARGE:All aboard! Let's get this show on the road.
Sarge joins Grif in the passenger seat, and Caboose hops on back
SARGE:Hey, be careful with the new gun. It hasn't passed any real world testing yet.
SIMMONS:It hasn't passed any fake world testing! It's passed zero tests.
SARGE:Which means the enemy can't possibly know about it. We've got the initiative.
SIMMONS:Yeah you got something. Big dummy.
SARGE:We'll be back as soon as we help the Blue. And then we'll kill him.
CABOOSE:Guys, I really appreciate this.
SARGE:See you soon! Try not to get in any trouble.
Grif drives them straight in to the water, submerging immediately
CABOOSE:Are we there yet.
SARGE AND  GRIF:Shut up.
DONUT:Good luck!
Simmons starts running off somewhere
LOPEZ:¿Acaban de conducir en el agua?
CAPTION:Did they just drive into the water?
DONUT:Hey, where ya going?
SIMMONS:To blow up Blue Base.
DONUT:Uh, I think that's what Sarge meant by get in to trouble!
SIMMONS:I don't give a fuck!
Cut to the jeep emerging from underwater on a desert
CABOOSE:Can we stop again? I have to pee.
GRIF:Again?
CABOOSE:Well my suit leaked, and I had to drink a lot on the way here! A lot.
Caboose heads off to find a friendly bush
SARGE:Look Grif, sand.
GRIF:Yeah, we're on a beach.
SARGE:Donut said there was sand. That means we're on the right track.
GRIF:You know what else he told us? The co-ordinates to where we're going.
SARGE:Another clue!
GRIF:That's not a clue! There's no mystery! We're driving there.
SARGE:Come on, let's get going. Before the trail gets cold.
CABOOSE:I have to use the bathroom again.
Cut to Donut and Lopez looking at Blue Base
DONUT:Lopez, Simmons has been gone a really long time.
LOPEZ:No cuido.
CAPTION:I don't care.
DONUT:If Simmons blows up Blue Base, Sarge is gonna be really mad.
LOPEZ:Sí. Él es estúpido como ése.
CAPTION:Yes. He is stupid like that.
DONUT:I'm worried about him
LOPEZ:Sí porque usted es estúpido como ése.
CAPTION:Yes that's because you are stupid like that.
DONUT:I think I'm gonna go over there and check on him.
LOPEZ:Lo que.
CAPTION:Whatever.
Cut to the jeep driving past a massive structure in a sandstorm
SARGE:Yeehaw!
The jeep takes a jump off a huge dune and lands awkwardly
SARGE:I told you not to take jumps bigger than my yeehaws. Makes me look bad.
GRIF:Okay, this looks like it.
SARGE:Be careful Grif. We don't wanna get spotted.
The jeep drives in to a field dotted by flashing yellow lights
BOOMING VOICE:Halt. Do not come any further.
CABOOSE:I think we've been spotted.
SARGE:Punch it Grif!
BOOMING VOICE:You are attempting to access a restricted area, and you have entered a minefield.
GRIF:A what!?
BOOMING VOICE:A minefield. You idiot.
CABOOSE:Your field, who says this is your field- you can't own a field!
GRIF:Caboose not his field, a minefield!
SARGE:You know, the Native American culture said the Earth doesn't belong to us; we belong to it.
GRIF:Guys, he means explosives!
CABOOSE AND  SARGE:Ohhhh.
Something explodes
SARGE:Oh!


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 8: Directions

Fade in to Blue Base in Valhalla, then to Simmons inside
SIMMONS:What the hell is all this stuff?
DONUT:Oh there you are! Did you blow up the base yet?
SIMMONS:Look at this mess Donut. It's like he's rigged the place.
DONUT:Oh yeah, that's Caboose's project.
SIMMONS:This is what he's been working on?
DONUT:He's trying to rebuild the body for that blue buddy of his. Uh, looks like a piece is missing though.
SIMMONS:For the dead guy. Hh, give me a break. No wonder noone ever wins this war. We're all doing stuff like building lame robots.
Psst... Lopez is standing right behind you
SIMMONS:Oh, hey, Lopez, uh... I didn't mean you, I meant other... robots.
Lopez backs out
DONUT:That was kinda racist.
SIMMONS:Hey that's not true. I have lots of mechanical friends.
Cut back to the desert
VOICE:Just, just give me that microphone. (into megaphone): Do not under any circumstances move. You have entered an active minefield.
CABOOSE:Does thinking count as moving. Because if it does I think I might have moved- up! I did it again.
GRIF:Shut up Caboose.
CABOOSE:Well I don't want to get exploded.
SARGE:How do we get outta here?
MEGAPHONE VOICE:We will guide you out.
SARGE:Great! We'll just wait for you to come out here then.
MEGAPHONE VOICE:What? No- fuck that! Listen, we're not coming out there, okay? Hang tight. We're gonna pull up the schematic, we'll be right back. Don't, move.
SARGE:Grif! What were you thinkin' driving us straight into a minefield?
GRIF:Me? You were in the passenger seat, that makes you the navigator.
SARGE:What're you talkin' about?
GRIF:Everybody knows that. You're in charge of directions.
SARGE:No, the shotgun seat is reserved as a position of respect. And for people who carry shotguns. See? Quid pro quo. Now Grif, here's the plan. You walk in front of us, very slowly.
GRIF:No.
SARGE:If you hear anything that sounds like a small metallic click, or it feels like your legs are being blown off, just say "found one."
GRIF:No.
CABOOSE:Uh oh! I think I just thought about something again.
SARGE:Both of ya shut up. I have to think a way outta this mess.
GRIF:You mean the mess you navigated us into?
SARGE:How 'bout I come over there and navigate my fist through your forehead?
Grif surveys the active minefield
GRIF:Heh, okay, bring it. Just stroll on over here across the minefield and beat me to death.
SARGE:Maybe I will...
GRIF:Bring it!
MEGAPHONE VOICE:Look, we can hear you talking. Do not move, 'kay? Seriously.
SARGE:Rrrr...
CABOOSE:It's not my fault. I'm not moving. I'm not even thinking about moving.
GRIF:Sarge, since we may not make it outta this, maybe there's a few things I should tell you. You know, since you can't reach me.
SARGE:Grif...
GRIF:Like the reason why I never listen to you. Or never follow your orders. And why I don't think anything you say is ever important.
SARGE:(I don't know, sounds like intestinal distress or something)
GRIF:But I want you to understand, Sarge. It's not because I'm lazy. It's because I don't like you. Or respect you. In any way. I have no positive feelings towards you.
Sarge cocks his shotgun
GRIF:Now I imagine it can be pretty hard to be an ineffective leader with no respect.
Sarge fires and misses
GRIF:Who doesn't understand that his primary weapon has an effective range much shorter than most weapons. But I think since we're gonna die anyway, you deserve to know that.
MEGAPHONE VOICE:Alright. I'm back. Ready? We're gonna guide you outta there.
GRIF:Heh huh. You know I was kidding, right?
Back to Lopez, walking toward ...a rock?
SIMMONS:Hey Lopez, wait up! Hey man, I need some explosives.
LOPEZ:...
SIMMONS:To blow up Blue Base? You know, did Sarge leave you the key to the weapon locker?
LOPEZ:Si.
CAPTION:Si.
SIMMONS:Okay. I need about fifty kilos of plastic explosives. Technically five should do it, but I really wanna blow the fuck outta that thing. Can you go get it for me?
LOPEZ:Miraré en ese.
CAPTION:I will look into that.
SIMMONS:Uh, I need it right now?
LOPEZ:Sí. Ahora comenzaré eso.
CAPTION:Si. I'll get right on it.
LOPEZ:Míreme van.
CAPTION:Look at me go.
SIMMONS:Hmm, you don't seem to be moving.
LOPEZ:Si.
CAPTION:Si.
SIMMONS:This is about that robot comment, isn't it.
LOPEZ:Quizás.
CAPTION:Maybe.
Minefield!
MEGAPHONE VOICE:Okay gentlemen. Here's how we're going to do this. We'll guide the two guys in front out, and you in the jeep, just follow them.
GRIF:(in the jeep) Okay.
CABOOSE:Uh I'm scared.
MEGAPHONE VOICE:Alright. Start by taking two steps forward, and then turn to your right.
SARGE:A 'step' ain't exactly a standard measurement, buddy!
MEGAPHONE VOICE:Just a step.
SARGE:Yeah, I get it. But what's a step? Like this...
Sarge takes two steps forward, then backs up
SARGE:Or, thi-
Sarge takes one running step forward and blows up, and lands back where he started
SARGE:Whoa!
MEGAPHONE VOICE:Just a step!
SARGE:Okay, no problem, just a step!
MEGAPHONE VOICE:Alright. Now, walk four steps to your right.
SARGE:You mean our right?
MEGAPHONE VOICE:Yes.
CABOOSE:Um, our our right, or your our right.
MEGAPHONE VOICE:There is no my your right.
SARGE:What- is left north to you, or is it- whe- on the compass, which way.
CABOOSE:Uh, what about-
MEGAPHONE VOICE:Just walk to your right!
Sarge and Caboose go left
MEGAPHONE VOICE:No!
A mine goes off and they return to start
CABOOSE:Sorry.
SARGE:Sorry!
GRIF:You know what, I just can't take this any more. Fuck it.
Grif starts driving off, and Caboose and Sarge make a break for it
MEGAPHONE VOICE:Yeah, uh fuck it. Just run.
Lots of explosions
SARGE:Son of a-


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 9: My House, From Here

Fade in to Grif crashing the jeep into the giant tank-like thing the Megaphone Voice was coming from. Did I mention there was a giant tank-like thing? I meant to
SARGE:Aw dammit Grif. Look what ya did now. You busted up a brand new jeep.
GRIF:Me? You were the idiots that started setting off mines.
SARGE:Well I managed to get outta there without getting hit by anything.
GRIF:Because you jumped on the roof of the car. That's cheating.
SARGE:No, it's called strategy!
GRIF:Well, your 'strategy' broke the jeep. So don't go blaming me. And the blue guy's dead too. How're we gonna explain that?
WEIRD FACE GUY:What the hell? What were you thinking?
SARGE:We don't need to explain why he died, Grif. We're Reds! Killin' Blues is our business. And today, business is good.
GRIF:But we didn't kill 'im. He stepped on a mine and blew up. And he's the reason that we're on this stupid mission. So now what?
SARGE:I see your point. So maybe we should have a moment of silence in honour of the dead Blue guy. Bow your head.
WEIRD FACE GUY:(I'll just call him WFG for short) Hey, are you listening to me?
GRIF:Do you mind? We're having a moment of silence? Show some respect.
WFG:What?
SARGE:Dear Lord, we thank you for taking another Blue back to Heaven today. Or rather not to Heaven. To whatever firey pit you send Blues to so they can suffer in eternity. You coulda taken Grif. But you didn't. Again. Not sure why, it woulda been easy! Those mine things are everywhere! But I guess you know what you're doing.
As Sarge is talking the camera pans back, and eventually we see Caboose fall back to Earth from a very tall height.
CABOOSE:Aaaaaaaaaaaa! Wow. Now that was a big explosion.
GRIF:Blue guy's back.
CABOOSE:I went really high. Did anyone get a picture?
SARGE:And now you brought him back. And Grif's still here! I hate to criticize but you could've just had him land on Grif and squash him. That would've been easy! Just a note; you can take it or leave it. Like I said not really my place to criticize. Okay the end amen.
WFG:What the fuck is wrong with you people?
SARGE:Whoa. Now who are you?
WFG:Who'm I? Who are you? I'm supposed to be here. You guys are accessing an area on lockdown.
SARGE:Lockdown?
WFG:This is a restricted dig site. What are you doing here?
CABOOSE:Oh, uh we were just looking for a-
SARGE:We're just passing through on our way to meet up with the rest of our squad.
A jeep comes rolling along
WFG:Oh, great. Stay here. Don't move. Don't touch anything.
Weird Face Guy walks off
GRIF:Why didn't you ask about Tucker?
SARGE:We don't know anything about these guys. Other than that one's causin' trouble for Tucker. We don't know that we can trust 'em yet.
CABOOSE:Oh right. Because normally, you guys are the ones that cause trouble for Tucker.
SARGE:Right. That's our job.
Cut to Red Base
SIMMONS:Whoa whoa whoa, take it easy. Listen Lopez, I'm not racist. I just didn't know you were standing there when I said that.
LOPEZ:Cómo eso le hace no racista.
CAPTION:How does that make you not racist?
SIMMONS:I had a lot of mechanical friends while growing up. Seriously, I am not a racist.
LOPEZ:Lo que.
CAPTION:Whatever.
SIMMONS:In fact, I'm one eighth cyborg.
LOPEZ:Si?
CAPTION:Really?
SIMMONS:Yeah!
LOPEZ:En el lado de su madre?
CAPTION:On your mother's side?
SIMMONS:Yeah you know, from my accident when Sarge replaced all my organs.
LOPEZ:Oh de hecho.
CAPTION:Oh right.
SIMMONS:See? I'm down with the one zero one, zero zero one ...scene.
LOPEZ:Nadie llamalos en eso.
CAPTION:No one calls it that anymore.
SIMMONS:Look, I'm just saying, I'm sorry, now can you help me with these explosives? Please?
LOPEZ:Hhughh... Si.
CAPTION:I guess...
SIMMONS:Okay. Then, we're cool?
LOPEZ:Si. Bueno.
CAPTION:Yeah. We're cool.
SIMMONS:Hohh, that's a relief. I was getting worried there for a minute. I know how you Mexicans like to hold a grudge.
LOPEZ:...
SIMMONS:... I'll just find another way to blow up the base.
LOPEZ:Buena suerte con eso.
CAPTION:Good luck with that.
Back to the Desert Frontier, where Weird Face Guy is returning with a familiar-looking alien
WFG:Okay, now. We want the three of you to go-
GRIF AND  SARGE:Whoa!
CABOOSE:Uh oh.
WFG:What the- Oh, right. Sorry. I'm so used to working with aliens now I forget some people don't have any experience.
SARGE:Oh we've got experience with these things. Some of use more than others.
WFG:You guys fought aliens during the war?
GRIF:...Yeah, something like that. Let's just say we got a little closer to them than we thought physically possible.
WFG:Well, don't worry about ol' Smith here. He's really friendly.
GRIF:Yeah, that doesn't really put us at ease.
So we know the name of the purple alien, but not WFG? What a ripoff. I mean... cut back to Wash in jail, being walked to a door
GUARD:Alright Washington, the man in charge has agreed to see you. You have five minutes. Do anything aggressive, and I'll shoot you. Do anything weird, and I'll shoot you. Do anything I don't like-
WASHINGTON:And you'll shoot me. I got it. I think I've identified the pattern.
GUARD:Talk back again, and I'll shoot you. I don't know why he's even seeing you.
WASHINGTON:Because I know something he wants to know.
GUARD:Well good for you. You have five minutes.
WASHINGTON:Guess I should say thank-you.
GUARD:I guess you should get going. Your five minutes already started.
The massive door in front of them opens
CHAIRMAN:My dear Agent Washington. I am so pleased to make your acquaintance, do come in. I feel that we have much to discuss.


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 10: Lay of the Land

Fade in to Simmons and Donut
SIMMONS:Donut, where've you been?
DONUT:Just seeing if the guys at Blue Base had anything valuable to move out. You know, before you burn it to the ground? Caboose asked me to housesit
SIMMONS:Did the have anything valuable?
DONUT:Well I'm not gonna tell you. You'll just find it and burn it.
SIMMONS:Yeah, that's true. But tell me anyway.
DONUT:Nah, there's not much over there. Just some spare parts from Caboose's 'build a new best friend' project. And it looks like he took that A.I. unit with him.
SIMMONS:So dumb. Wait, what? A.I. unit?
DONUT:Yeah, it was kinda cool! It was purple, and it liked to hear old stories about-
SIMMONS:What? He kept that?! He wasn't supposed to keep that. I thought he turned it in. That was part of the deal for getting our bases. We had to turn over all equipment.
DONUT:You're talking to me about things that really don't make any sense. I've been kinda gone. I don't know if you noticed.
SIMMONS:I'm gonna tell Sarge, and have him get it back from that idiot.
Radio sounds
SIMMONS:Sarge, come in, Sarge. Sarge, do you read?
Radio sounds give way to impotent static
SIMMONS:Houh, dammit. Hey Lopez!
LOPEZ:Si.
CAPTION:Si.
SIMMONS:Is the radio busted?
LOPEZ:Cómo será que nadie...
CAPTION:Busted Radio.
LOPEZ:...quiere nunca hablar conmigo sobre todo lo demás?
CAPTION:How come no one ever wants to talk to me about anything else?
SIMMONS:The radio, no work? Call Sarge-o. Yes er no?
LOPEZ:Usted habla inglés que lo hago.
CAPTION:You speak english worse than I do.
LOPEZ:Sí. Radio. Bueno. Asno. Encima al suelo.
CAPTION:Yes. Radio. Good. Butt. Up yours.
SIMMONS:Then, how come, I can't, get, Sarge.
LOPEZ:Su radio se revienta. Piensa, Einsteino.
CAPTION:Maybe their radio is busted, Einstein.
SIMMONS:Can, you, fix, it?
LOPEZ:Puedo fijar su radio, de aquí?
CAPTION:Can I fix their radio, from here?
LOPEZ:Sí. Porque soy mágico.
CAPTION:Sure. Because I am magic.
LOPEZ:Soy robostesa mágica.
CAPTION:I am a magic robot.
SIMMONS:How come, in all these years of working with us, you haven't managed to learn one single word of English?
LOPEZ:No sé.
CAPTION:I don't know.
LOPEZ:Para evitar conversación tenga gusto de esto.
CAPTION:Probably trying to avoid conversations like this.
Desert Showdown
WFG:Now I'm sure you've heard about the treaties between aliens and people. We're here to investigate an energy reading. Rules are now, if they find one of these things, all investigation teams have to have at least one person, and one alien. No exceptions.
SARGE:What kind of energy reading?
WFG:I can't tell you that. In fact, I need you to leave this area ASAP. The alien diplomats will get mighty suspicious if they find another human squad showed up. We don't want to cause an intergalactic incident.
CABOOSE:Ah, we're used to doing that.
SARGE:Hu hhuh, wuh, what my friend means is that we're uh, used to following protocol.
WFG:Good! Then you guys just head on your way, and we don't need to report this to anybody.
GRIF:Dude, we're not going anywhere. Our jeep is wrecked.
As if on cue, the jeep blows up a little more in the background
WFG:Damn! Okay. We'll help you repair your jeep, and then, you're gone. Couple of rules while you're here: This is a restricted dig site. Everything here is property of the military. Do not go looking for any artifacts. And do not go anywhere without telling me. Got it?
GRIF:Yes Mom, we got it.
WFG:Okay. Quick quiz then: What're you gonna do if you find an artifact?
CABOOSE:Not take it.
WFG:No. That was a trick question. You're not going to find an artifact, because you're not going to be looking for an artifact.
CABOOSE:Maybe I knew it was a trick question, so I gave you a trick answer.
WFG:There are no trick answers, there are only wrong answers. Are we clear?
GRIF:Yes.
WFG:ARE WE CLEAR?
EVERYONE:Yes!
WFG:Okay. Then head down there. On the left you'll find some wrecked jeeps you can scavenge for parts. There's also water down there on the left too. Keep yourselves hydrated. You want some chow? It's with the water on the left.
SARGE:Thanks. And we'll be leaving as soon as we can.
WFG:Yes, you will.
Our motley crew of rag-tag heroes walks off
GRIF:Are you thinking what I'm thinking Sarge?
SARGE:Yeah. Something just doesn't seem right.
CABOOSE:I know. Everything is on the left.
GRIF:Shut up Caboose.
Back to Smith and WFG
SMITH:Rrguu?
WFG:No. I don't think they know anything. You get back to the temple. Keep working on getting it open. I'll take care of these idiots.
The camera pans back to reveal the actual military team, slain behind a rock, like assholes


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 11: Dumb Cop, Bad Cop

Fade in to Grif at a radio station
GRIF:Simmons, come on Simmons are you there or what?
Grif meets the same impotent static that Simmons got. That means they shared a moment, right?
GRIF:Okay, I give up. Something's wrong with the radio now too. I'll go check their jeep.
SARGE:What the hell is wrong with this jeep anyway? Doesn't have a turret.
CABOOSE:Maybe it's just a car?
SARGE:What does that mean?
CABOOSE:You know, like a car. A regular car.
SARGE:What kind of car doesn't have a massive cannon on it?
CABOOSE:Oh all kinds of cars. Most kinds of cars.
SARGE:Sounds ridiculous. That'd be like saying there's some kind of thing you can wear on your head that's not armor plated, and doesn't offer a five-time optical zoom.
CABOOSE:I think you've been in the military a really long time.
SARGE:Yep. It's been a good run.
GRIF:Dammit, no radio here either? Someone's yanked it out. Why would they deliberately pull the radio out of their own jeep?
CABOOSE:Let me take a look at it Grif.
GRIF:Why? You wanna confirm that there's no radio?
CABOOSE:Maybe I can fix it.
GRIF:How're you gonna fix something that isn't even ther- you know what, no fuck it, go for it. Whatever.
Grif goes over to Sarge
GRIF:Sarge, this place gives me the creeps. Something's really wrong here. I mean why would they deliberately pull the radio out of their own jeep? And why can't I get a signal on long-range?
SARGE:Something does seem out of place. But maybe we're overreacting. Maybe they're just using the parts from these radios to fix the others.
GRIF:And we just happened to only find all the ones that are broken? That seems unlikely.
SARGE:Hmm, maybe they have one enormous radio somewhere that requires a ton of parts? Like one the size of a house.
GRIF:Once again, unlikely. Wait a second- what about that thing, the big freighter? It looks like a mobile base. Maybe it has a radio?
CABOOSE:(whispering) Sheila, is that you? Are you there? Uh, Delta? Tex.
SARGE:Hey, what're you up to over there?
CABOOSE:Nothing!
The A.I. unit falls to the sand
CABOOSE:I'm up to nothing.
SARGE:What is that, what're you doing?
GRIF:Uh oh, here comes-
SARGE:Caboose, stop messing with their jeep.
CABOOSE:I'm not doing anything, just ignore me.
SARGE:If you're not doing anything, then what would we be ignoring?
CABOOSE:Ignore what I'm not doing.
Let's join Simmons and Lopez for a joyous period of time
LOPEZ:OK Simmons. Se hacen sus motocicletas.
CAPTION:OK Simmons. Your motorcycles are done.
SIMMONS:Wow Lopez, that's great. You made motorcycles? Thanks!
LOPEZ:Ahora usted puede alcanzar a Sarge,
CAPTION:Now you can catch up to Sarge,
LOPEZ:Le dice sobre ese unidad del AI.
CAPTION:Tell him about that AI unit.
SIMMONS:Now I can catch up to Sarge, and tell him all about that A.I. unit he has.
LOPEZ:Usted está imitando?
CAPTION:Are you mocking me?
SIMMONS:Alright, I'll be back as soon as I can. Come on Donut! Hey, Lopez? Did you see where Donut went?
LOPEZ:No.
CAPTION:No.
SIMMONS:I'll bet he's over at Blue Base again. I'll go get him. Man, why do I have to do everything around here?
LOPEZ:Usted?
CAPTION:You?
LOPEZ:Acabo de construir dos motocicletas.
CAPTION:I'm the one who just built two motorcycles.
SIMMONS:Yeah, I know Lopez. I guess I'm just naturally responsible, and people take advantage of that. It's a curse, really. I'll go grab Donut, bring him back for his motorcycle.
LOPEZ:No. Ninguna motocicleta para él. No Donut.
CAPTION:No. That's not for Donut.
SIMMONS:No that's not for Donut? Then why'd you build a second one?
LOPEZ:Eso es un repuesto.
CAPTION:That's a spare.
LOPEZ:Sé mejor construiros siempre dos vehículos.
CAPTION:If there's anything I've learned about working with you idiots, it's always build two vehicles.
SIMMONS:Uh huh? I don't even understand- okay, whatever Lopez. See you soon!
Simmons drives down the ramp and immediately crashes
SIMMONS:Hey uh, I'm just gonna take this other motorcycle?
LOPEZ:Las llaves están en la ignición.
CAPTION:The keys are in the ignition.
Cut to Sarge and Grif
SARGE:Okay, let's see what we can find out. You guys follow my lead.
WFG:Hey, what's going on down here?
CABOOSE:I said nothing.
SARGE:Eh ah, uhm, we're just down here scavenging for parts like you said.
WFG:Okay. Well hurry it up.
GRIF:You realize we're not gonna fix this in like the next ten minutes, right?
WFG:Yeah, just the sooner the better.
SARGE:Why, what's going on around here?
WFG:I can't tell you that.
SARGE:Can't tell us, or you don't want to tell us?
WFG:I can't tell you, which is convenient because I don't want to tell you.
GRIF:Why don't you wanna tell us?
WFG:Because it's secret!
SARGE:Regular secret? Or top secret?
WFG:Top secret.
SARGE:Dammit, the worst kind!
GRIF:Well why is it so secretive?
WFG:I can't tell you that, because that information is classified.
SARGE:Classified as what?
WFG:Classified as something I can't tell you, now stop fishing for information!
GRIF:... What information do you think we're fishing for?
WFG:Okay, that wasn't even a good attempt.
GRIF:Yeah, I gotta agree with that.
WFG:Look, I'm sure you're curious. We're curious about you as well. All you need to know is what you can plainly see. We're trying to uncover that structure to, recover something. That's already more than you need to know!
GRIF:Do you have a name?
WFG:You can call me C.T.
Wow, C.T.? Seriously? So from one set of initials to another? Laaaaaaaame
SARGE:Got a rank there C.T.?
C.T.:Not one you would recognize. Now let's- hey, where's your other guy?
Caboose is gone, by the way
SARGE:Uh, what guy?
C.T.:The other guy.
SARGE:He's right there.
C.T.:The other other guy.
GRIF:He's right, there?
C.T.:THAT'S IT! You're either here to investigate us, or you're complete idiots. Either way, I've had it.
GRIF:Investigate?
C.T.:Hhh, tell me where the blue guy went, or I'll shoot the orange one.
SARGE:...
C.T.:Well?
GRIF:Dude, I can save you some time. You just picked the wrong guy to threaten. It'll make more sense when you get to know us.
Alarms go off, people start running around
C.T.:That's him, isn't it?
GRIF:Probably.
C.T.:Move! Up the hill!


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 12: Well Hello

Fade in to Donut apparently running around randomly inside Blue Base
DONUT:Doo dadoo, doo dadoo. Hm hm hm, hm hm hm. Ya ta doo doo doo. Ba ba ba, la la la. Man, Caboose sure can make a mess for just one person. Although, I guess he was trying to make another person. Which technically would make this a mess for two people. I think Caboose would be a great Dad. I wonder if I should have a kid. I never really thought I wanted one, but as I get older, I start to think maybe something is missing.
Someone creeps around in the shadows behind Donut, where Donut can't see him
DONUT:Aw, I hope I didn't wait too long. I've been so focused on my career and having a good time, maybe it's too late for me. Oh great, now I sound like my Mother.
Donut turns around and sees the white guy who's been walking up behind him all this time
DONUT:Oh hi there, you scared me. I didn't know anyone was over here at Blue Base. ... Strong silent type, huh? That's cool. Don't mind me, I'm just keeping the place a little tidy. Yeah, a clean base is a deadly base. That's what Sarge always says. Sarge is our Commander. You'll get a Sarge over here I'm sure, but he won't be like our Sarge. He'll be blue!
The camera pans around as Donut's talking, revealing the white guy is the Meta. You remember the Meta, right?
DONUT:Man, the rest of the guys'll be so happy to have someone to fight. They're gonna be so relieved to see you! What did you say your name was?
The Meta makes a sound something like a swoosh?
DONUT:Hmm, Oren, huh? Love the accent. Really works for you.
The Meta switches from his giant suitcase gun to a pistol
DONUT:I should probably move this.
Donut ducks as the Meta fires and misses
DONUT:Aw, don't worry buddy I already checked their weapons. All good, but thanks for helpin'.
The Meta dry-fires a couple times, then switches back to the giant suitcase gun
DONUT:Wooh, this thing's heavy. Maybe if I grab the leg-
Donut moves out of the way as the Meta charges him swinging, making the Meta hit the body rather than Donut
DONUT:We-hell, that was helpful. Thanks! Where'd you get that kickass broom?
The Meta approaches and aimes at Donut's face, making more swooshing noises, and we hear an engine in the background
DONUT:Uh, do you hear that?
SIMMONS:Hey Donut, are you in there? Lopez built you a motorcycle. I broke it.
DONUT:Hey! Yeah, Simmons, I'm inside the Blue Base. Guess what, Blue Team got a new soldier!
SIMMONS:What? They sent another team member? Why would they do that, that doesn't make any sense.
Simmons approaches the top of the ramp, sees the Meta, and recoils
SIMMONS:OH FUCK! Welcome to the neighbourhood, see you later!
Back to Dune where Grif and Sarge are being guided uphill
C.T.:Come on, move.
GRIF:Alright already, we're moving. Don't boss me.
They get to the top of the hill to find Caboose surrounded by people with guns pointed at him, and the A.I. unit on the ground
C.T.:Hey, what's going on up here?
ALIEN:Rour? Rour.
C.T.:Sabotaging the digger, huh? I knew it. Who sent you here? What do they know about us?
SARGE:Dammit Caboose, why do you keep messing with the vehicles?
CABOOSE:Oh, yeah I was just trying to find a home for Epsilon. No biggie.
C.T.:What? What is that thing?
Rumble rumble rumble
SMITH:Rour. Ruour rour.
A giant door slides up on that huge structure
C.T.:Shit, he's opening the temple! Dammit! Are you with him?
GRIF:With who?
C.T.:Awh, crap! Get down there. Kill him if you have to and don't let that door close again no matter what happens!
Everyone scatters
SARGE:Hurry, let's move!
GRIF:Let's get the fuck outta here!
Soldiers and aliens make a run for the temple, and end up shooting at each other
C.T.:Oh shit! Come in! Torrence!
More firefight
C.T.:Don't go there!
Grif enters the freighter and takes the wheel as fighting continues outside
GRIF:Yeheah, seeya suckers. You just got yoinked! How the fuck do you drive this thing? Why are there only four levers if there's six directions? What the fuck is sixth gear?
The freighter starts moving, with Sarge running alongside
SARGE:Grif, if you're gonna run away in the middle of battle, at least have the decency to drive faster than I can run!
GRIF:Is the emergency brake on, I don't get- okay fuck this, this is stupid.
Grif bails on the controls
SOLDIER:Get down!
Fighting continues, a jeep crashes and expels a soldier
SOLDIER:Ah fuck!
More fighting
C.T.:Smith, cover me! Move back!
Grif, Caboose and Sarge come up a dune and see Tucker
TUCKER:Hey guys, run for the temple! I'll cover you, hurry!
CABOOSE:Oh, my Tucker! Is that you?
TUCKER:Yeah, of course it's me. Now move!
CABOOSE:So, where've you been?
TUCKER:What is this, some kind of fucking reunion? Move your asses, idiots. I'll meet you over there.
People head off in appropriate directions
SARGE:What in sam hell was all of that?
GRIF:Who cares, just move.


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 13: Called Up

Fade in to Washington talking with the Director
WASHINGTON:I'm sorry, do we know each other?
CHAIRMAN:You are Special Agent Washington. Former member of Project Freelancer. Also known by the designation 'Recovery One'.
WASHINGTON:Also known as Prisoner 619B.
CHAIRMAN:Convicted, three counts dereliction of duty, eight counts of conspiracy to commit treason, and my personal favourite, seven counts destruction of protected, classified military property.
WASHINGTON:And you are?
CHAIRMAN:I am someone extremely disappointed by the destruction of said property. That, is all you need to know.
WASHINGTON:I wanna make a deal. I have information that you want.
CHAIRMAN:All the information I want, was lost in the destruction of Project Freelancer.
WASHINGTON:Not all of it.
CHAIRMAN:Agent Washington, if you knew anything, that could have kept you out of prison, I am sure it would have come to light, during your trial. So if you're quite through with wasting my time, we'll-
WASHINGTON:I know you're missing the Epsilon unit. And I know where to find it.
CHAIRMAN:You have my attention.
WASHINGTON:It disappeared after the events at Freelancer Command. You searched everyone associated with the program. Even the Red Team troopers you found.
CHAIRMAN:Yes, the ones who were found bickering around the stolen jeep.
WASHINGTON:There's another group of soldiers. A blue squad. They escaped with Epsilon.
CHAIRMAN:I show no record of these soldiers.
WASHINGTON:And you won't, but I know where to find them. So here's the deal: I give you that missing module, you get me out of here. I get a clear slate, and we forget we ever knew each other.
CHAIRMAN:That sounds fair.
WASHINGTON:And I'm gonna need some equipment. Invisibility, overshields, anything left over from Freelancer.
CHAIRMAN:I think we can point you in the right direction for that.
Cut to Simmons being chased on foot and fired at by the Meta, and the second motorcycle tumbling and breaking ahead of him
SIMMONS:Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Well, that was nice. Let's go to everyone else at the temple, firing out of it
TUCKER:Guys, hold them off, I'll get the door.
Everyone backs in as the door closes
TUCKER:There.
CABOOSE:Tucker!
TUCKER:Hey Caboose.
GRIF:Oh hey, look, it's that guy.
TUCKER:You brought these guys? Are we killing each other today? Or pretending to work together?
CABOOSE:Uh, the pretending version.
TUCKER:Oh huhoh, cool. Hey dudes, what's up? How'd y'all find me?
SARGE:We got that radio call you sent.
TUCKER:The distress signal? And they sent you assholes? That was to help me! I wanted less distress, not more distress.
GRIF:Uh, actually we kinda ignored that call at first.
TUCKER:That makes sense.
GRIF:And then Donut showed up and told us you were in trouble.
TUCKER:Hohoho, I get it. So me making an emergency radio call, not a big deal. Donut telling you some dumb homo story? Red alert.
SARGE:Pretty much.
TUCKER:So where's everyone else?
CABOOSE:What do you mean?
TUCKER:The rest of the people who're gonna help me fight these fuckers off.
EVERYONE:...
TUCKER:You didn't bring any other soldiers, did you.
CABOOSE:Oh, uh, that depends, uh, by other soldiers do you mean, people other than us?
TUCKER:Yes, I do.
CABOOSE:Then, no.
SARGE:What's goin' on here?
TUCKER:Uh, it's kind of hard to explain. They think there's some kind of artifact here. Some massive weapon built a long time ago.
CABOOSE:An old weapon. Like a spear?
TUCKER:No, not a spear. Like some kind of super energy electric thing.
CABOOSE:An electric spear.
TUCKER:It's not a spear, dumbass.
SARGE:Hrr, think I've read about these. They found some back during the war.
TUCKER:Yeah, well, all the aliens are into them, and so are all the humans now. So me and Junior have to go around sometimes and help - negotiate stuff. You know, smooth-talk.
GRIF:Why you?
TUCKER:We're like ambassadors here or something. Humans and aliens seem more comfortable with us since we're kind of, you know, in between.
CABOOSE:In between aliens and humans, huh. You mean in between two alien and human? Laadies?
TUCKER:Come on dude, seriously? You're not gonna get me to say it with that lame-ass joke. I'm not that easy.
EVERYONE:...
TUCKER:Okay, well maybe I am that easy, bow chicka bow wow. See, now that's a setup.
CABOOSE:Ah ha hah. Y-I hope one day you tell me what you're going to do between the two ladies.
SARGE:So are you part of the group that C.T. told us about?
TUCKER:That asshole? He's a fucking liar. He and his team killed the guys originally sent to dig this thing up, then they tried to kill me.
CABOOSE:Oh no, well I hope you stopped them.
TUCKER:I locked myself in this temple. I figured it would keep me safe, and keep them away from the relic.
GRIF:So who are they?
TUCKER:I don't have any idea dude. They're probably trying to steal the artifact, then sell it to the highest bidder.
CABOOSE:Oh they're like evil eBay.
TUCKER:You're an idiot. Look guys, thanks for the fucked up rescue mission and all that, but where's Church?
CABOOSE:Oh, um he's dead.
TUCKER:Yeah, I know that, Church has been dead for years, it never stopped him before.
CABOOSE:Oh yeah, we also found out that he's, not a ghost, and that he's an A.I. computer program, like Sheila.
TUCKER:... Yeah I knew that.
GRIF:You did?
TUCKER:Yeah, you guys didn't? Fu- pay fucking attention, what the fuck you guys paying attention to?
GRIF:Uh, w-uh I had my suspicions.
SARGE:Of course, I just didn't wanna tell anybody.
CABOOSE:I still want to know what Tucker's going to do between the two ladies.
TUCKER:Look guys, I need your help. We either need to chase these guys off or destroy this facility. Or pick up some chicks. Old habits die hard.
SARGE:But why destroy it?
TUCKER:Orders. We can't let it fall into anyone else's hands. Plus breaking stuff is fucking awesome.
GRIF:This thing is that powerful?
TUCKER:Hell yeah! First they built these rings that were a huge weapon, then we found this super powerful cube-shaped weapon, and I guess this is the pyramid version.
GRIF:That ancient race sure built a lot of weapons.
TUCKER:H-I know.
GRIF:I mean did they really need to spend all their time building stuff to destroy the Universe? Like how about the Galaxy's biggest movie theatre or, like some kind of super-advanced water park? All work and no play guys, seriously.
TUCKER:No play. Tell me about it.


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 14: The Installation

Fade in to the freighter crashing into the temple
GRIF:What the hell are they doing out there?
TUCKER:They've been trying to blast their way in here ever since I locked it down. They're not having much luck though are you fucking assholes! The stuff looks like rock, but it's way tougher.
GRIF:What's tougher than rock?
CABOOSE:Paper.
TUCKER:T- how the fuck should I know? Super-rock? What am I, some kind of geographist?
SARGE:They have some kind of big machine out there.
TUCKER:Yeah, they just got that thing. I think they think they're gonna yank this door off with it. Not fuckin' happening.
SARGE:They wanna get their hands on that weapon?
TUCKER:Yeah, and we can't let 'em turn it on, no matter what happens.
SARGE:Well why don't we just turn it on and use it against them?
TUCKER:Huh! What? We don't know what it does! We could turn it on and it could make us all sterile.
GRIF:Would it do that?
TUCKER:Well, the last weapon we found was designed to wipe out all organic life in a huge radius.
GRIF:(whistles) Wow. What's a, radius?
TUCKER:I don't know, they just made me learn this crap for my dumb job. Point is, don't touch anything. You hit the wrong button or flip the wrong swtich, we'll all be dead before you can say- where's Caboose?
SARGE:Uh, I don't think that's how that expression goes.
TUCKER:No, I mean where the fuck is Caboose?
SARGE:Ah yeah, he does have a habit of wandering off. He's been trying to rig equipment to do something. We don't really know what. That boy is not quite right, you know.
TUCKER:What- I just said not to touch anything, and you guys let him walk away to find equipment? What the hell is wrong with you? Man, I swear, you guys have always been idiots but, this takes the cake.
GRIF:Hey! He's on your team, asshole.
TUCKER:Oh, right. ... Hey uh, so if you guys aren't doing anything, you wanna help me go find Caboose?
SARGE:Let's go.
GRIF:So embarassing for you.
TUCKER:Just go find the guy.
GRIF:So sad.
TUCKER:I fucked your sister.
Check it out, Lopez is fixing the motorcycle
LOPEZ:(grunts)
SIMMONS:Looopeeeez!
LOPEZ:No! Acabo de fijar esto.
CAPTION:No! I just fixed this.
LOPEZ:Ésta es el mío.
CAPTION:This one is mine. Stay away!
SIMMONS:He's here! He's here!
LOPEZ:Quién?
CAPTION:Who?
SIMMONS:The bad guy, the guy who wants to kill us!
LOPEZ:Me necesito ser más específico que ése.
CAPTION:You're going to have to be more specific than that.
SIMMONS:The Meta, he's here!
LOPEZ:Qué? Aquí?
CAPTION:What? Here?
LOPEZ:Pensé que el es muerto.
CAPTION:I thought he was dead.
SIMMONS:Oh jeez look out!
They both duck and a shot goes over their heads
SIMMONS:Son of a bitch!
LOPEZ:Madre de Dios!
SIMMONS:Lopez, we need some big guns.
LOPEZ:OK. Ve que pueda hacer.
CAPTION:OK. That I can do.
SIMMONS:I'll grab the rocket launcher. Just grab whatever you can Lopez, I'm trained to handle this weapon.
Simmons comes back with the rocket launcher, Lopez disappears inside the base
SIMMONS:Lopez? Anybody?
The Meta crests the ramp at the front of the base
SIMMONS:Alright you bastard, prepare to get Simmonsized.
Simmons fires and hits the motorcycle, and the Meta watches as it flies overhead and lands on the ground behind him
SIMMONS:Well fuck me.
Lopez blows the fuck out of the Meta and emerges from the base with a minigun
LOPEZ:Usted dijo "Simmonsized"?
CAPTION:Did you seriously just say "Simmonsized"?
SIMMONS:Lopez-
LOPEZ:Cierre la cogida.
CAPTION:Shut the fuck up.
LOPEZ:Usted rompió motocicleta.
CAPTION:You broke my motorcycle again.
Cut to Caboose in the temple crouching down next to things
CABOOSE:No. ... No. ... Hmm...
Exterior: Temple. Douchebags.
C.T.:Just open the temple and you can leave. We'll take what we want and noone has to get hurt.
TUCKER:Shut up, idiot! I should have stabbed that fucking speaker while I was out there.
GRIF:Caboose!
TUCKER:Caboose, where are you!?
SARGE:Hey Blue! Hope you're not dead! Now that there's two of ya, we finally have a fair fight. Come on out here so we can kill ya!
TUCKER:Hey guys, shut up, you hear that?
Those three come up around the corner from Caboose
CABOOSE:Would you be quiet? See you're gonna get me in trouble.
CHURCH:(filtered) Trouble? Fuck that.
TUCKER:Who's he talking to? Aw crap, did somebody break into the temple?
CABOOSE:No no! Okay, see you broke that. See that was your fault.
CHURCH:That, that was already broken.
Tucker switches to his sword, and for some reason makes swooshing sounds as he does so
TUCKER:Alright, let's charge in there, and take these assholes out. On my mark.
SARGE:...
TUCKER:That means when I say 'go'.
GRIF:That voice sounds familiar.
SARGE:Yeah, I find it annoying and grating for some reason.
CABOOSE:Okay, just stop moving around. Hold still!
CHURCH:I am holding still, you're the one that's moving.
TUCKER:Yeah, that sounds like-
CHURCH:Get your hands off me, fuck it, douche!
CABOOSE:Sorry Church.
TUCKER,  GRIF AND  SARGE:Church!?
Yes, Church. I had it figured out. Didn't you guys? Anyway, they come around the corner and see Caboose and a hovering ball
CABOOSE:I can explain.
CHURCH:Who the fuck are these guys?
SARGE:Who brought the floating bowling ball? Where's the thumbhole?


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 15: Watch the Flank

Fade in to Lopez and Simmons securing Red Base
LOPEZ:Consiga más cajas allá.
SIMMONS:Keep watching your motion tracker. This guy can turn invisible.
LOPEZ:Es eso donde él fue?
CAPTION:Is that where he went?
Cut to the Meta flickering in and out of invisibility, and grunting.
SIMMONS:Whoa! Did you hear that?
LOPEZ:Tengo algo en mi perseguidor de movimiento.
CAPTION:I have something on my motion tracker.
SIMMONS:(meekly) Yeah, it was loud.
LOPEZ:No, Usted idiota! Allá!
CAPTION:No, you idiot! Over there!
They back up and reload in perfect unison, like a ballet, and Donut comes around the corner... like a ballet
DONUT:Hey guys. Sup?
SIMMONS:Donut?
LOPEZ:Usted no dijo a este individuo para cambiar color?
CAPTION:Didn't you say this guy could change color?
DONUT:I just finished cleaning up Blue Base. What's going on over here?
LOPEZ:Pienso que debemos tirarlo apenas para ser seguros.
CAPTION:I think we should shoot him just to be safe.
SIMMONS:Donut that guy attacked me. I ran out of the base screaming! Why didn't you help me?
DONUT:You guys seemed like you knew each other. I thought you were just catching up.
SIMMONS:He was firing grenades at me!
DONUT:Yeah? So? I thought that was an inside joke between the two of you.
SIMMONS:What? What kinda joke would that be?
DONUT:Well how do I know? I've been gone a long time, Simmons.
SIMMONS:What?
DONUT:In fact, it was clear that I didn't know the guy. So shame on you for not introducing us. And quite frankly, I found the whole thing a bit rude.
SIMMONS:... What?
DONUT:Rude.
LOPEZ:Seriamente, podría apenas tirar...
CAPTION:Seriously, we could just bury him out back.
LOPEZ:...del respirador ahora.
CAPTION:We wouldn't even have to tell anybody.
Hey, check it out, Church is back as Doctor Ball
TUCKER:Church? You're telling me that thing is Church.
CABOOSE:Well, not exactly. See um, technically, ah, this thing, is ah just a memory of Church. Um, his name is Epsilon.
TUCKER:Epsiwhatsawhat?
CHURCH:Me, dipshit!
CABOOSE:Uh yeah, see he's a resident memory of the guy that church was based on? So, he's kind of like, remembering himself. Eh, Simmons can explain. You know much better than I can. Probably.
GRIF:Sounds like I have another reason to be glad Simmons isn't here.
CHURCH:Wait, I thought he was Simmons.
CABOOSE:He's Sarge. Su-u-arrguh. Uh.
CHURCH:I'm confused, not deaf you idiot. And who's the yellow one?
GRIF:I'm not yellow, I'm orange!
CHURCH:Yeah? Then how'd you know who I was talkin' about?
TUCKER:How come he remembers us, but not who we are?
GRIF:Why does everyone think I'm yellow? Seriously! Didn't anybody have a box of crayons when they were a kid?
CABOOSE:Oh it will come back to him. See I've been telling him stories, about all of us.
TUCKER:...
CABOOSE:Well, most of us.
SARGE:Is that what you've been tryin' to do all this time? Rebuild your buddy?
CABOOSE:Yes. No. Maybe. Which would make you less mad?
TUCKER:So the only stuff he knows about us is what you told him? That's scary on a lotta levels dude.
CHURCH:Why?
TUCKER:Hoh, why, okay, quick quiz: Who am I?
CHURCH:You're Captain Flowers, right? You're dead. I've been meaning to ask you about that part, is he like a zombie?
TUCKER:Uh huh, and who is he?
CHURCH:He's Grif. Which is spelled with two Fs.
GRIF:God dammit! Okay, now that's another thing!
CHURCH:Caboose was very specific about that second F.
TUCKER:Yeah, and what about the red guy?
CHURCH:Well, if he's not Simmons, then I guess he's Sarge. That would make him the gruff and regimented leader of the Red Team.
SARGE:That actually seems pretty-
TUCKER:Pst- give him one more second.
CHURCH:Which would make him also the Captain of their pirate ship.
TUCKER:There it is.
CABOOSE:I am a good story teller.
TUCKER:How are you gonna tell stories? You can't even read stories.
CABOOSE:I can read.
TUCKER:Caboose is the only guy I know of who had an illustrated field manual. He's a moron.
CABOOSE:Well it helps when the stories have pictures. Duh.
TUCKER:For the first two months I worked with him, he thought you held grenades over your head, while they shot arrows at the enemy.
CABOOSE:That diagram could have been a lot more specific.
SARGE:Heh. You're lucky. As a recruit Grif didn't even know what a grenade was. I called it a pineapple. And he tried to swallow it.
GRIF:Yeah well it still tasted better than those M.R.E.s you serve us.
SARGE:Grif, show some respect! Do you know how many men died to develop those meals?
GRIF:I can tell you exactly how many: everybody who ever tasted one.
TUCKER:At least he doesn't kill everyone who suits up for your team.
CABOOSE:Oh, yeah, I don't think I really did that.
TUCKER:Then who did?
CABOOSE:Okay, stick with me on this, right? What if Church, travelled back in time, using Wyoming's special ability power-
TUCKER:God, shut up, that's fucking retarded.
GRIF:Hugh, you guys are idiots!
CABOOSE:What? What about you guys?
SARGE:Who's the real idiot? The idiot? Or the idiot who fights him?
TUCKER:What dude? In either scenario, you're still an idiot.
SARGE:Huhh, I would expect you to say something like that.
GRIF:Wait, I think he's right.
SARGE:Shut up Grif! I always thought your armor was yellow too. Matches your personality.
CABOOSE:Hey! You shouldn't be mean to people who work for you, and just want to be your friend!
TUCKER:Noone tries to do that but you.
SARGE:I think you're all a bunch o' idiots and I'm gonna fight every one of ya.
Everyone talks over each other for a bit. This is what I can discern:
GRIF:I hate you, you don't even know what color I am.
TUCKER:What are the chances I don't even find a chick?
GRIF:So fuck you and go fuck yourself.
SARGE:Oh yeah? Well in your face.
TUCKER:No really, it says oogly, how is that fucking possible?
SARGE:I can handle a shotgun.
GRIF:You had sex with a rock.
TUCKER:Your sister's name is Rock?
CHURCH:Everybody stop.
CABOOSE:I am yelling about things okay I guess we're done now.
CHURCH:Alright listen guys, I may not remember everything right now, but it will come back to me, 'kay? I can feel it. But I do know this: If we don't work together, and destroy this weapon, those guys outside are gonna kill a lot of people. And we can't let that happen. So just for a moment, let's set aside our differences, and get to work solving this problem.
Church starts drifting to his right
CHURCH:Together. Being in charge is a tough task. But I'm a born leader. So if you follow me, I know I can get us through this. Are you with me?
GRIF:Where are you going?
CHURCH:Uh yeah, I don't seem to have full control over my body yet? But that doesn't invalidate anything I said! I assume leader- fuck, okay, I'll be right back! Noone else take the leader position while I'm gone!
CABOOSE:Okay bye.
SARGE:Yeah, seeya later, Winston Churchill.


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 16: Retention Deficit

Fade in to Simmons and Donut standing guard
SIMMONS:I'm out.
DONUT:Me too.
SIMMONS:Well, that's it, I guess we're done then.
DONUT:Yeah. Simmons, I have to say, I didn't think I would go out like this.
SIMMONS:Yeah whatever, that's nice.
DONUT:You're not curious how I thought I would go out?
SIMMONS:No. No, not in the least.
DONUT:How 'bout you, did you think you'd go out like this?
SIMMONS:Underequipped and surrounded by people I hate? Yeah, this is pretty much how I've pictured it since I got assigned to this unit. You see, I'm a realist.
LOPEZ:Pensé siempre con conseguir el sacado por mantenimiento pobre.
CAPTION:I always thought I would be taken out by poor maintenance.
SIMMONS:Lopez is right, we need to think of something.
DONUT:Can we escape?
SIMMONS:I don't see how. He's faster than us and stronger than us.
LOPEZ:Alguien hizo saltar todos nuestros vehículos.
CAPTION:Plus, somebody blew up all our vehicles.
DONUT:Good idea Lopez!
SIMMONS:You understood what he said?
DONUT:Yeah! High school spanish, remember? He said the Meta must have gotten here someway.
LOPEZ:Hice?
CAPTION:I did?
DONUT:We just need to find his vehicle, and steal it.
SIMMONS:That's a good idea Lopez.
LOPEZ:Es?
CAPTION:It is?
LOPEZ:Ningún no es.
CAPTION:No it isn't.
SIMMONS:Okay, let's think. If you were a crazed lunatic, where would you hide a vehicle?
LOPEZ:Él lo disimulo quizás.
CAPTION:Maybe he cloaked it. That's what I would do.
DONUT:A garage is too obvious, Lopez. We need to think of something crazier.
LOPEZ:Para el traducir para mí!
CAPTION:Stop translating for me!
DONUT:Crazier!
LOPEZ:Eso no era incluso uno sugerencia!
CAPTION:That wasn't even a suggestion!
SIMMONS:Well, clearly Lopez is just having an off day, so let's ignore him.
LOPEZ:Cojale los individuos.
CAPTION:Fuck you guys.
SIMMONS:So we're looking for some kind of vehicle, probably parked by Blue Base...
LOPEZ:Si usted sepa que hay un vehículo!
CAPTION:You're talking as if you know there is a vehicle!
DONUT:What if it only has two seats?
SIMMONS:Hmm, I didn't think about that. Hey Lopez, turn off your ears for a second.
LOPEZ:Qué? No puedo hacer eso.
CAPTION:What? Why would I do that?
SIMMONS:Okay, are they off?
LOPEZ:Sí, están apagados.
CAPTION:Yeah, they're off.
LOPEZ:Ese es porque puedo contestarle.
CAPTION:That's why I can answer you.
SIMMONS:Okay, good. If there's no room, we'll just leave Lopez. He's pretty much expendable. And they won't be able to get any info outta him anyway.
DONUT:I feel bad about it though. He's been so loyal.
SIMMONS:So what, he's a robot. He has to be loyal. Dogs are loyal too, but that doesn't mean you can't eat them when you're stranded in an arctic outpost and Command can't get rations through because of a seasonal blizzard.
DONUT:That seems like a very specific example.
SIMMONS:I don't wanna talk about it. Hey Lopez, you can turn your ears back on now.
LOPEZ:Click
CAPTION:CLICK
LOPEZ:Oh, puedo oír otra vez.
CAPTION:Oh, I can hear again.
LOPEZ:Un que milagro.
CAPTION:What a fucking miracle.
Cut to Church out of control of his faculties
CHURCH:What- halt, cease! Abort dot move. Fuck.
CABOOSE:Church, wait.
CHURCH:Wait? I can't wait, I'm moving on my own. Which I realize doesn't make sense when I say it out loud. Oh hey look, I figured out how to stop!
TUCKER:Wow, you figured out how to not move? You're a genius.
CHURCH:Oh check this out, I can go backwards too. Zhoop!
TUCKER:Oh, well now you're just bragging.
CHURCH:Well it's important to me, asshole.
CABOOSE:I'm impressed. I can't go backwards.
CHURCH:Stop patronizing me.
TUCKER:Well, he's definitely starting to remember you.
CHURCH:I already know Caboose. He's the only guy that would talk to me when I was in storage.
TUCKER:You remembering anything else?
CHURCH:I don't know, it's- fuzzy, for some reason. Maybe there's a file, or some kinda database I can access in here. Give me a second.
TUCKER:Yeah, rooting around in your brain seems like a great idea when you've barely figured out how to move on your own.
CABOOSE:Um, hey uh, Tucker? Um yeah, uh, Agent Washington told me that Church- Uh I mean dah Epsilon- is uh, a little messed up.
TUCKER:Yeah, I can see that.
CABOOSE:Yeah no I mean he's got some ah memories that uh he probably shouldn't access.
TUCKER:What kind of memories?
CABOOSE:Uh yeah, see some people did some bad stuff to him? And uh, he's kind of repressed, uh, a lot of ah, stuff. Do you know what a repressed memory is?
TUCKER:Yeah Caboose. I've repressed almost every moment I've spent with you. I'm actually repressing this as we speak.
CABOOSE:Well thank you, that means a lot to me.
CHURCH:Schematic, where the hell's a schematic, well, let's see- Man, there is a lot of functions in here. I can't figure out what a tenth of these even do.
CABOOSE:Is nap a function? 'Cause that's my favorite- oh! Also, 'eat ice cream'.
TUCKER:That is so, stupid.
CABOOSE:Ah you're right, technically that is a subroutine of just plain 'eat'.
Boom from outside, bit of a shake
TUCKER:I wish those guys would just give up!
CHURCH:Oh hey, here we go. What does this do?
Church starts projecting something on the wall
TUCKER:What is this? Some kind of training film?
CHURCH:Yeah I guess.
CABOOSE:I love movies. Do you have Kramer vs. Kramer in there?
CHURCH:It looks like it's teaching me how to interact with guys like-
In the film, a similar hovering metal globe shoots a red beam into someone's chest
TUCKER:Oh ho ho holy shit!
CHURCH:Wow! I can do that? I wanna do that, how do I do that?
TUCKER:Was that a laser? That was fucking awesome.
CHURCH:I gotta figure out how to do that!
TUCKER:No! I told you guys not to touch anything. And now you're in some floating crap, who knows what that thing can do? Don't just go turning stuff on.
CHURCH:Eee- what's that? I'm gonna try like huuu-uu-
TUCKER:Whoa-hoa, whoa, and definitely don't turn it on while you're looking at me. That eye creeps me out anyway.
CHURCH:Well maybe if I could just access my long-term memories I could figure out how these functions work.
CABOOSE:Uh oh, yeah I don't know, stiya I think that maybe sounds like a bad idea? And uh I don't know if I would go-
Click
CHURCH:Uh oh.
CABOOSE:What? What happened?
CHURCH:Crap. Instead of turning on my long-term memory, I think I just shut off my short-term memory.
CABOOSE:Oh. Is that bad?
CHURCH:...Huh? Is what bad?
CABOOSE:Your memory thing getting shut off.
CHURCH:Who shut off my memory?
CABOOSE:You did.
CHURCH:I did what?
CABOOSE:Shut off your memory.
CHURCH:Why do you want me to shut off my memory?
CABOOSE:No, it's already shut off.
CHURCH:What is?
CABOOSE:Your memory.
CHURCH:Yeah what about it?
TUCKER:Wow, well this is a drastic improvement. Hey, you!
CHURCH:Me?
TUCKER:Yes, you. Don't touch anything else, or try to activate any computer stuff.
CHURCH:... Are you gonna answer him?
Boom from outside, bit of a shake. I wish those guys would just leave me alone
CABOOSE:Did you hear that?
TUCKER:Aw crap!
CHURCH:Oh my God, what are we yelling about!?
TUCKER:I think they busted into the temple!
CHURCH:Oh fuck, that sounds bad where's the temple?
TUCKER:Jesus Christ, don't let him talk to me any more.
CABOOSE AND  CHURCH:Okay, don't talk to him.
TUCKER:I can't fucking believe I have two of them now.


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 17: Trust Issues

Fade in to Simmons entering Red Base to join Donut and Lopez
SIMMONS:Okay here's the plan: We run straight for Blue Base. Keep your heads up, and stay in formation. Lopez, you take the lead.
LOPEZ:Porqué tengo que llevar?
CAPTION:Why do I have to be in front?
SIMMONS:Exactly. I'll follow you, Lopez.
DONUT:I'll handle your rears.
SIMMONS:Okay, change of plan. I'll be last, Lopez, you still go out in front.
LOPEZ:Por supuesto.
CAPTION:Of course I'm in front.
SIMMONS:Donut, you be in the middle.
DONUT:It'll be a Donut sandwich. Mm-mm.
SIMMONS:Dammit Donut, you can ruin anything.
They turn and just run in random formation up the hill
SIMMONS:Do you see anything?
LOPEZ:Si viera algo, estaría tirándolo, dumbass.
CAPTION:If I saw something, I would be shooting, dumbass.
SIMMONS:Well keep your eyes open then.
LOPEZ:Porque usted me hace preguntas si usted nunca entiende las respuestas?
CAPTION:Why do you guys always ask me questions if you never understand the answers?
SIMMONS:He's white Lopez. God, we've been over this.
LOPEZ:Dios mío.
CAPTION:Goddamn it.
DONUT:Simmons- I'm scared.
SIMMONS:It's okay. We're all scared, Donut.
LOPEZ:Mí no asusta. Hice respaldos de mí.
CAPTION:I'm not scared. I made back ups of myself this morning.
Cut to the cave
CABOOSE:Church, wait.
SARGE:I knew it, this was a trap!
GRIF:What's a trap?
SARGE:Don't you see, Grif? The Blues now have an advantage over us.
GRIF:What, you mean they have a decent leader?
SARGE:No, I mean they have three people and we only have two. Approximately.
GRIF:You honestly believe that the Blues orchestrated all of this to get a one man advantage.
SARGE:Of course. They've been leading us along this entire time! It was all a diabolical scheme to get the drop on us! We just didn't see it until now. Because it was so cunningly crafted.
GRIF:We're talking about the same Blues here, right, there's not some, other group of Blues that I haven't heard of?
SARGE:Of course not!
GRIF:H-yeah, then no, you're wrong. The new dude, he's a floating ball. I don't think he even counts as a person.
SARGE:Exactly. He's a wild card. We don't even know what he's capable of.
GRIF:He's a ball. He's capable of rolling. And maybe bouncing.
Boomshake!
SARGE:Peter Paul and Ringo, what the heck was that?
GRIF:That did not sound good.
TUCKER:Did you guys hear that?
GRIF:Heard what. Of course we heard that, idiot.
TUCKER:Aw great, I think they broke down the door.
CHURCH:What!? Who would, do that thing that you said to the other thing.
GRIF:What's wrong with him?
TUCKER:He disabled his memory, or something dumb while trying to unlock this massive laser eye he's got, I don't know.
GRIF:Laser?
SARGE:Rrr. See.
CHURCH:Who has a laser?
CABOOSE:You do.
CHURCH:I do?
TUCKER:Yes.
CHURCH:That's awesome man, I feel... great about whatever it is that we're talking about.
TUCKER:Caboose shouldn't you be killing him or something.
Caboose thinks about it, then charges Church and hits him with his gun
CHURCH:Ow hey, cut it out.
CABOOSE:Tucker did it!
CHURCH:No he didn't jackass, you did.
TUCKER:So you remember that.
CHURCH:Why wouldn't I remember that?
TUCKER:You don't remember why you wouldn't remember? Then I guess you're fixed, fuck it.
CHURCH:You guys never make any God damned sense.
TUCKER:Yeah, that's our problem.
The bad guys are heard entering the base
C.T.:Over here! Split up. You two, guard the entrance. Don't let them out.
SARGE:I think we have more pressing issues at the moment fellas.
TUCKER:He's right.
GRIF:I thought you said they couldn't bust through the door?
TUCKER:H-when did you guys start listening to me?
SARGE:Everybody grab some cover!
They all run and hide and some aliens come by where they used to be, and grunt
GRIF:Shit, there's two of 'em.
SARGE:Grif, don't panic. You've been trained for this.
GRIF:This, I've been trained for this? Being stuck in an ancient temple surrounded by mystic technology, while being hunted by aliens from another planet? This is what I've been trained for?
SARGE:Okay maybe not this specifically, but elements of this, which when combined and liberally interpreted, bear a close resemblance to this.
GRIF:Not even close!
SARGE:Aw, just shut up and fight. Today is a good day for you to die! Hyaaaah!
Grif and Sarge run out and shoot one of the aliens, and the other tosses a grenade, forcing them to back up
SARGE:Huh.
GRIF:Look out!
Tucker draws his sword
TUCKER:I just need him to get a little closer.
CABOOSE:Hey, Church? Are you doing that?
CHURCH:Doing what?
The camera changes to show a box hovering and slowly rotating next to Church
CHURCH:Oh cool, am I?
The box rotates faster
CHURCH:Oh look I am, that's awesome!
TUCKER:What the fuck? When did you get telekinesis?
CABOOSE:You have teleportesis? Can you hear what I'm thinking right now?
CHURCH:What? No.
TUCKER:My guess would be, nothing.
CABOOSE:Oh my God, Tucker has it too!
CHURCH:Shit, look at this, this is so kickass. I wonder what other powers I have. Man, I could be, the most powerful being in the entire Universe. I'm like a superhero.
TUCKER:Where are you going?
CHURCH:Oops, uh, yeah I think I've lost control of my body again.
TUCKER:Yeah, some superhero. Fucking dick.


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 18: Hang Time

Fade in to the alien firing a minigun in the temple
SARGE:Grif, listen, we may not both make it out of this.
GRIF:What?
SARGE:If you die, I think I'm prepared to live with that. I've practiced it a lot. But there's also a chance you might survive and I won't.
GRIF:There'd be a better chance if you'd help me shoot.
SARGE:In case I don't make it, I can't help but think about all the future mistakes you're gonna make, that I'm not gonna be there to scream at you about.
GRIF:Oh stop, I'm getting all teary-eyed.
SARGE:I just wanna let you know that in my bunk back at the base there's a recorder deck. I've prerecorded about fifty-seven hours of rants that should be applicable, in a variety of situations. Whenever you're feeling good about yourself, I want you to play one. And always remember, somebody hates you.
The alien continues firing, but stops when Church shows up in front of him
CHURCH:Oh hey, alien, what's up?
The alien drops his chaingun and kneels, grunting as only these aliens can do
TUCKER:Cease fire!
CHURCH:Um, the alien's being weird in here.
GRIF:What's it doing?
TUCKER:No no, I've seen this before. Some of the aliens worship this ancient technology. This one probably thinks Church is some sorta God.
CHURCH:Wow, seriously? That's pretty fucking cool.
CABOOSE:Hhh- Maybe that's why your name is Church!
CHURCH:Oh what's up praying dude? How do you like me now-
Church levitates the box and rams it into the face of the alien
CHURCH:Bip- aw!
TUCKER:Doubleyou Tee Fuck, why did you do that? I think that's taking advantage of your diety status dude.
CHURCH:Well what good is being a God if you can't smite some people? Let's have fun.
VOICE:The shots came from down here!
C.T.:Right, form up men!
SARGE:Whoa, incoming.
CHURCH:Good luck guys!
Church backs out of the way as the evil dudes show up
C.T.:Freeze! Lower your weapons.
More guys show up, mostly aliens
C.T.:You... Do you have any idea how much trouble you've caused me? I should kill you right here.
CHURCH:Somebody's getting killed? I wanna watch.
C.T.:You activated it?
CHURCH:Activated what?
C.T.:Secure the relic! Don't let it get away.
The dude behind C.T. (Smith is there too, by the way) draws a green plasma weapon and prepares to fire
CHURCH:Oh cool pistol, green's my favourite colour.
The dude fires and hits Church, knocking him down in a cool CGI electrical effect
CHURCH:Heezagerbook!
CABOOSE:Church!
C.T.:Yes.
SMITH:Blurg!
C.T.:Great shot, Jones.
JONES:Thanks. But it's actually pronounced Jo-annis, Sir.
Smith turns around and belts Joannis, and beats him while he's down
C.T.:Smith! What're you doing?!
The other aliens fire on the other remaining human bad dude
SARGE:What's happening?
TUCKER:I think the aliens don't like their human buddies beating up on their religious artifacts.
The other human goes down, and C.T. makes a break for it
C.T.:Get out of the way.
TUCKER:Let's go!
CABOOSE:Wait! We need to grab Church!
TUCKER:That guy in brown armor grabbed him.
C.T. emerges from the temple and runs into the freighter, where two dudes are on guard duty
C.T.:Cover me until I'm clear!
C.T. gets in a jeep and drives off, the guards hops on a motorcycle, and Smith comes out
SMITH:Blarr.
GRIF:There he goes! Everybody get in the jeep!
SARGE:We gotta get that thing turned over!
CABOOSE:I'll do it.
Caboose flips the jeep back over
SARGE:Wow, you are strong.
Caboose hops in back, Sarge in shotgun, and Grif in the driver's seat
GRIF:Is this thing even gonna start?
SARGE:Hopefully. Come on, Chupababy!
The jeep starts and begins a wobbly pursuit
CABOOSE:Tucker, where are you going.
TUCKER:There's no room for me, I'll be right back!
Meanwhile, back in Valhalla
SIMMONS:Okay, look for anything that looks like a vehicle. It may have wheels, and/or seats.
LOPEZ:Sabemos cuáles es un vehículo!
CAPTION:We know what a vehicle looks like!
SIMMONS:Stay calm, don't panic.
LOPEZ:Usted es el que ese que se atarita!
CAPTION:You're the one who's panicking!
DONUT:Lopez is right, maybe we should panic.
SIMMONS:I'll try back here. It has to be-oh!
Simmons runs straight into a cloaked jeep, which then decloaks
SIMMONS:-somewhere.
DONUT:What the heck was that? What? Invisible car? That's too cool.
SIMMONS:The Meta must have cloaked it.
LOPEZ:Dije tan.
CAPTION:Told you so.
SIMMONS:I have never seen anything like this before either Lopez.
LOPEZ:Cójale!
CAPTION:Fuck you!
SIMMONS:Okay everybody, hop in. Let's get the fuck out of here.
Meanwhile, back in the desert, our guys' jeep is chasing C.T.'s jeep
SARGE:There he goes.
GRIF:Um yeah, I see him.
SARGE:Well see him faster.
CABOOSE:Look out for the guys behind us.
GRIF:How can I look out for guys that are behind us?
A rocket passes them and hits just ahead and to the side of C.T.
C.T.:Don't shoot at me, shoot at them!
A truly spectacular chase seen ensues, in which the guys in the motorcycle flip over, and C.T. drives up an incline. Really, you need to see it
SARGE:Caboose, charge that cannon!
CABOOSE:Okay! Ready!
SARGE:Fire!
Caboose fires and misses, and the jeep breaks down
SARGE:Aim!
GRIF:The engine died!
Smith and another alien fly in on some craft of theirs
CABOOSE:Look, aliens! Well they must be here to help!
SARGE:They're going after C.T. Grif, get the engine started.
A rocket flies across right in front of them
GRIF:Uh, Sarge?
SARGE:Uh oh.
Hey look, dudes on the motorcycles are back. Imagine that
TUCKER:Hey assholes! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Tucker rides up over a ridge in some kind of treaded vehicle, and overshoots the motorcycle completely
TUCKER:Fuck.
CABOOSE:Cannon's charged.
SARGE:Okay then fuck it, shoot 'em.
Caboose fires the cannon at the jeep and blows those guys to hell


RvB: Recreation
Chapter 19: Think You Know Someone

Fade in to a repeat of the last scene from the previous installment, followed by Tucker emerging from his landing place
TUCKER:Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Tucker rides up over a ridge in some kind of treaded vehicle, and overshoots the motorcycle completely
TUCKER:Fuck.
CABOOSE:Cannon's charged.
SARGE:Okay then fuck it, shoot 'em.
Caboose fires the cannon at the jeep and blows those guys to hell, and Tucker emerges from his landing place, just like I promised
TUCKER:Uh hey guys. Sorry about that.
CABOOSE:Tucker where did you get that?
TUCKER:Oh, this is my ride. The aliens gave it to me as a gift. Pretty fucking cool.
GRIF:Did they give you driving lessons too?
TUCKER:No we kinda skipped that part. But it looks awesome.
The aliens are in a hovering craft shooting at C.T.
C.T.:Ah! Move you piece of shit!
After some cat and mouse that you really have to see to believe, C.T. rams the alien craft with his jeep and destroys it
CABOOSE:There he is!
TUCKER:You guys follow him, I'll cut him off.
CABOOSE:We can't lose Church.
TUCKER:We won't!
CABOOSE:You always say that, but we always do!
Back at Blue Base, Simmons can't start the car
SIMMONS:God dammit, it won't start.
LOPEZ:El quitó probablemente el arrancador.
CAPTION:He probably removed the starter. That's what I would do.
SIMMONS:Hmm, it looks like he disabled the starter.
LOPEZ:Realmente. Nada mierda.
CAPTION:Really. Well, no shit.
DONUT:What do we do!?
LOPEZ:Empujaremos el coche. Usted hace estallar el embrague!
CAPTION:Stay in there! We'll push the car. You pop the clutch!
DONUT:It's no good! We can't do anything!
LOPEZ:Seriamente. Solamente diez pies!
CAPTION:Seriously. We only need to push it about ten meters!
DONUT:All hope is lost.
Check it out, the Meta's coming
SIMMONS:Oh no the Meta!
LOPEZ:Oh mierda.
DONUT:What're we gonna do without any ammo? We're trapped.
SIMMONS:Hah, this thing always has ammo.
Simmons hops in the back to man the turret
LOPEZ:No dará vueltas sin la energía, idiota.
CAPTION:You won't be strong enough to turn it without power.
Simmons starts firing, but can only turn it a tiny distance
SIMMONS:Oh fuck.
LOPEZ:Usted puedo convencerlo quizá colocarse delante de él.
CAPTION:(sarcastic) Maybe you can convince him to stand in front of it.
SIMMONS:What?
DONUT:He said maybe you could convince the Meta to stand in front of it.
SIMMONS:What a stupid plan Lopez. Try to actually help.
LOPEZ:Seriamente. Que usted entendía?
CAPTION:Come on. Really? THAT was the one thing you understood?
DONUT:I agree Lopez, pencils are great.
Desert chase scene!
SARGE:Caboose, what're you doing back there, shoot him!
CABOOSE:Okay.
GRIF:No don't shoot him, you'll stall the jeep!
CABOOSE:Okay.
SARGE:Grif, you drive, don't give Caboose directions.
CABOOSE:Okay.
SARGE:Caboose, don't respond to Grif!
CABOOSE:Okay.
TUCKER:Only one shot at this.
Tucker bails out of his ...let's call it a bike... and draws his sword, while Caboose fires and the jeep predictably stalls
GRIF:Jeep stalled.
SARGE:Like user error!
GRIF:Yeah that's what it is.
TUCKER:Gotta time this, now!
Tucker swipes at the jeep as it passes, and knocks the engine out of service somehow. Then it explodes behind him
GRIF:Whoa. Tucker look, he's still alive.
TUCKER:I'll get C.T., you guys find Church.
CABOOSE:Okay.
Caboose hops out of the jeep and heads over to ...the jeep... which is on fire
CABOOSE:Church, where are you?
Tucker does some running and ends up on the roof of the temple
TUCKER:Where the hell did he go?
C.T.:Freeze!
TUCKER:Dammit.
C.T.:Tucker, I should have killed you the second I laid eyes on you. I would have been long gone if you hadn't interfered.
C.T. backs Tucker up against the edge
TUCKER:Okay dude, I guess you got me, I've got nowhere to go. Just tell me one thing though, who are you really, and who sent you here?
C.T.:Sorry, you'll never know.
Church shows up randomly behind Tucker
CHURCH:Hey, what's up.
C.T.:What in the hell is that thing!?
Church's eye goes red
C.T.:Oh, son of a-
Church fires and totally obliterates the dude
CHURCH:I am not a thing! My name is Leonard Church, and you will fear my laser face!
TUCKER:Hoo, hell yeah! Dude you just got fucked up.
The other three show up
CABOOSE:Wow, now that was awesome.
GRIF:Yeah. Awesome.
TUCKER:Church, how did you do that?
CHURCH:I don't really know. I just got really mad and it just kinda you know, happened.
TUCKER:Can you do it again? Like to the yellow guy or something?
CHURCH:I guess; not really sure.
SARGE:I got a bad feeling about this.
GRIF:For once Sarge, you and I agree.
TUCKER:Look guys, we need to keep our head in the game. Let's get back in that temple, and close it down for good.
CABOOSE:Um, guys? I think we might have a problem with that.
Caboose looks over the edge and sees the aliens assembling below
CHURCH:Wuh oh.
And we cut back to Simmons and co., giving the narrator a fucking break already I hope, as the Meta approaches and Agent Washington shows up from behind a rock, also approaching
SIMMONS:Agent Washington. It's Agent Washington.
DONUT:Who?
WASHINGTON:Stop right there.
The Meta stops, and the narrator gets no break after all. Son of a bitch
SIMMONS:Yes, we're saved.
WASHINGTON:Stand down, I'll take it from here.
The Meta makes some swooshing noises
WASHINGTON:I said, back off.
The Meta does as he's told
SIMMONS:What, what's happening?
WASHINGTON:Where is it?
SIMMONS:Where's what? Why aren't you two fighting?
WASHINGTON:The Epsilon unit, I know you have it. Give it to me.
LOPEZ:Pensé que éste su amigo?
CAPTION:I thought this guy was your friend?
SIMMONS:Wait wait wait, you're working with ...the Meta?
WASHINGTON:Don't, make me repeat myself.
LOPEZ:Qué se está entendiendo?
CAPTION:Would someone explain what's going on?
Washington shoots Lopez in the face
DONUT:Oh my God! He just shot Lopez!
Washington turns and shoots Donut, and the bullet passes through him and breaks the glass in the jeep behid him
SIMMONS:Donut?
DONUT:Hey, Simmons? I think he shot me too. Ugh.
Donut collapses after his requisite dying words moment
SIMMONS:Donut! No! Donut, Donut are you okay? Come on, breathe Donut, breathe. Why did you do that? What's wrong with you?
CHAIRMAN:(voiceover) Now Agent Washington, I just have one more question for you.
SIMMONS:No, Donut, come on, stay with me! Stay with me Donut!
CHAIRMAN:(voiceover) Agent Washington.
SIMMONS:Don't just stand there!
CHAIRMAN:(voiceover) Agent Washington, are you listening to me?
Fade to Wash back in the Director's office
WASHINGTON:Hm? Yes. I'm listening.
CHAIRMAN:Agent Washington, when you find these blue soldiers that you're talking about, what makes you think that they are just going to give you the Epsilon unit when you ask them for it?
WASHINGTON:Heh huh. For as long as I can remember, I've been lied to, taken advantage of, shot in the back, and left for dead. And now, I have a way out of all of this. What in the hell, makes you think, that I'm going to ask for it?


RvB: Recreation
Original Trailer

Fade in to a Base. Outpost 17-B: "Valhalla" - Post-War: Year 1
CABOOSE:Oh don't! Don't, don't, don't!
Something trivial-looking pops out of the side of Blue Base in many likely-insignificant pieces
Post-War: Year 1.25
CABOOSE:Ah crap.
SIMMONS:Hm, I need to tell Sarge about this.
Radio sounds, and Simmons starts jogging
SIMMONS:Sarge, come in, this is Simmons.
SARGE:Grif, I do not want to discuss this any more. You need to shower on a regular basis! It's regulation.
SIMMONS:Sarge, hey! Sarge?
GRIF:Why our suits are ventilated, they push out the stink.
SIMMONS:Grif, hello? God dammit.
SARGE:You're just gonna give away our position, with those green wavy lines comin' off you.
GRIF:Okay, I'll shower. Occasionally.
SARGE:Every day.
GRIF:Every day? How can I tell how long a day is, the sun never sets around here. Why the hell doesn't the sun set? Shouldn't we be talking about that first?
Cut to Grif, Simmons and Sarge outside Red Base
SARGE:Simmons, how'd the latest reconnaissance mission go?
SIMMONS:Sarge, I have some really exciting news. I just think everyone is going to find this very very exciting.
SARGE:Well, spit it out.
SIMMONS:The Blues, are completely undermanned right now.
SARGE:What do you mean by "undermanned?"
GRIF:What do you mean by exciting?
SIMMONS:It looks like they have received no reinforcements after the last mission. I need to double-check my numbers, but if it's just Caboose over there, that means we have a four man advantage.
GRIF:Ooooh, what part do you need to double-check, is it the part where you counted their guys, or the part where you counted our guys, 'cause they both sound really tough.
SIMMONS:Shut up Grif, no-one's talkin' to you.
SARGE:Hm, this could be strategically advantageous.
GRIF:Or, maybe it was the part where you subtracted one from five; math can be hard. Hey Lopez!
LOPEZ:Si.
GRIF:Fire up your calculator unit, we got a doozy!
LOPEZ:Rhr.
SARGE:We can't do that; had to remove that application in order to install a new free app I downloaded. It's a program that could be vital to the morale here at our new base!
LOPEZ:Hace para e bruto ruidos.
CAPTION:I make fart noises.
SARGE:Hheh heh. I don't wanna spoil it for you boys, but let's just say it's high-larious.
LOPEZ:Digamos que usted es un idiota.
CAPTION:Let's just say you're an idiot.
GRIF:Actually, you do need to recount. We don't have five guys, we only have four.
SIMMONS:We got Donut back!
GRIF:You can't count Donut!
SIMMONS:Why not? He's unconscious right now, but when he wakes up-
GRIF:Unconscious? He's been out for three days. I think it's okay to upgrade him to comatose.
SIMMONS:Well, I think we should count everyone. I'm an equal opportunity counter.
GRIF:Yeah, because I'd hate to go in to battle without Donut.
SIMMONS:I mean hell, if I'm counting you as a soldier, I should count the vehicles, some of the bigger rocks we have lying around here, fuck it let's give the trash can a gun.
Oh, someone is watching this through the sniper scope, by the way
GRIF:At least I can subtract five and one without double-checking.
SIMMONS:Oh can you?
CHURCH:(sigh), great. I'm sure this'll end well.
Church starts walking
CHURCH:Hell I just can't believe that those idiots are responsible for my death. Twice! It's embarrasing is what it is.
Cut to Caboose with the inside of Blue Base on fire
CABOOSE:Oh no fire! That's bad! Bad fire! Bad fire go away!
CHURCH:I mean if I was killed by an alien, or a monster? Or you know like some kind of sorority blowjob massacre? That I could handle.
CABOOSE:Please stop burning! Nothing else burn!
CHURCH:Now look at this, this is my legacy? I mean what did I do in my life to deserve this?
CABOOSE:I mean it!
CHURCH:(sigh) Just seems it's all gone so wrong.
TEX:Well, what're you gonna do about it Church?
CHURCH:Do? What can I do Tex, I'm dead. I'm gone.
TEX:Oh, come on Church, they say you're never completely dead if someone still remembers you.
CHURCH:H-yeah, but look who's left to remember me. Him?
Caboose exits the base on fire
CABOOSE:Oh God, now I'm burning. That's much worse than other things burning!
CHURCH:Sure feels like being dead. Like all the way dead. Like, someone encased me in cement and then fired me in to the sun dead.
CABOOSE:Oh God why does it keep chasing me!?
Caboose puts himself out by collapsing in the stream
CABOOSE:Ahh, that's nice.
CHURCH:It's just a long way back for us.
TEX:Okay. So then we're done?
CABOOSE:Okay, let's try that again. But with less fire on me this time!
CHURCH:Nohhh, no we're not done.
TEX:Well if we're not done, let's get started.
CHURCH:Hey have I ever told you how helpful you are to me? I mean you're so full of fuckin' wisdom. What would I do without you?
TEX:I try my best. And you have no-one to blame but yourself.


RvB: Recreation
PSA: Where There's Smoke...

Fade in to Sarge and Simmons
SARGE:Why hello! I'm Sarge from the popular web series Red vs Blue.
SIMMONS:And I'm Private Dick Simmons from the same show. Recently, the Red vs Blue production offices suffered a major fire, that threatened to burn down an entire city block.
SARGE:Hurh. Allegedly.
SIMMONS:So our producers, and the Judge, thought it would be a valuable service to the community if we made a PSA describing what we learned from the event.
SARGE:So today, we'll be presenting Red vs Blue's Fire Safety Tips.
SIMMONS:You may be asking yourself 'what is fire?' If you're asking that, it's because you're an idiot. You probably also ask things like 'What am the sky?' and 'How does eat food?' Even cavemen knew what fire was you dumbass.
SARGE:And sure, you may know what fire is, but can you tell when something you own is on fire? You should look for the following signs: 1. Smoke. 2. Heat. 3. Fire. Things that're on fire typically have fire on them. It's a dead giveaway.
SIMMONS:So, what do you do if you're caught in a fire? We've assembled a quick list of tips to remember if you ever find yourself in a raging inferno.
SARGE:Step 1: panic. Any modern scientist will tell you that fire requires an oxygen environment to burn. That same scientist will also tell you that the human body expels carbon dioxide with every breath. So screaming and panicking will rob the flame of its vital nutrients, thus putting it out.
SIMMONS:This tactic will vary based on the size of the fire. A very small flame will only require a minor amount of panic.
Scenario 1 - Caboose with a small fire
CABOOSE:I am somewhat concerned that they are going to make another Indiana Jones movie.
The fire goes out
SIMMONS:A medium size fire will need a moderate level of panic.
Scenario 2 - Caboose with a larger fire
CABOOSE:Did you hear that the swine flu is in Australia now that can't be good.
The fire goes out
SIMMONS:And for a five alarm situation-
Scenario 3 - Caboose surrounded by fire, and on fire
CABOOSE:I just watched a cable news channel! Everything is terrible!
The fire remains. Say it with me: Awww
SIMMONS:Clearly not enough panic. In this case, I would recommend reading some radical political blogs as well. Try doing a search for the phrase 'Mayan Calendar.'
SARGE:In fact, one of the largest fires in American history was at an old girls' private school. But the flames were extinguished when that dude from Twilight showed up.
SIMMONS:Also you may have heard that 'where there's smoke there's fire.' But actually, smoke is where fire used to be. It indicates the absence of fire.
SARGE:So just remember in a fire, head directly for the smoke.
SIMMONS:Climb on the ceiling if you have to.
SARGE:Also, statistics show that 95% of all fire deaths happen in a building, while only 5% happen in a vehicle.
SIMMONS:So, if your home catches fire, just head to your garage and get in your car.
Let's watch Caboose trying to outrun a fire by getting in his car
CABOOSE:That's hot, hot hot.
SIMMONS:Wait there for help.
CABOOSE:Ah, now this is much cooler.
SIMMONS:Statistically, you're far less likely to be injured.
SARGE:But what happens if you can't get up above the fire and in to the smoke? Or, if you're unable to safely reach your vehicle? You're probably wondering, 'What happens if I catch on fire?' This is a serious situation.
SIMMONS:We've set up these dummies to show what happens when a person catches fire.
Cut to four Grifs in a row
GRIF:Wait a minute, I'm actually real.
SARGE:Shut up dummy.
Sarge throws a contact grenade and hits real Grif, lighting him on fire so he can run around like Donut (zing)
GRIF:Ah-ha ha ha how.
SIMMONS:Fire is bad in high concentration, so you want to try to dilute it as quickly as possible. Try spreading the flames out by passing them to as many other people as you can.
Grif ignites the dummy Grifs and Caboose's car with Caboose in it
CABOOSE:Thank you! Fire safety is about sharing.
GRIF:Owie owie owie!
SARGE:Just remember stop, drop and roll. Stop next to your friends, drop them with a swift fire punch, and then roll around on them.
Grif continues running around, setting more things on fire
GRIF:Put me out!
SIMMONS:This will spread the heat across many sources, quickly dissipating it.
The room becomes almost entirely engulphed in flames
SARGE:Uh, Simmons, we may have a situation here.
SIMMONS:I think you're right Sir.
SARGE:Well, time to practice what we preach, Simmons. Let's get to panicking.
SIMMONS:On it Sir. Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
SARGE:Aoh! Aaaaa! Aaaah, aaaaah, a- hey, aaaaah, aaaaaah. That's a hotfoot.


RvB: Recreation
ODST PSA Contest Announcement

Fade in to Sarge and Grif
SARGE:Why hello. We're the actors from the popular webseries Red vs. Blue, and we need your help.
GRIF:Yeah, it turns out the script for our next PSA was entrusted to somebody, that thought it was a secret document, so we burned it. And then he ate it.
CABOOSE:I already told you, that's what we're trained to do with secret information.
GRIF:We who? Who would train you to do that?
CABOOSE:Oh I could tell you, but you see then I'd have to burn you and eat you. Besides, I memorized the script before destroying it.
GRIF:Alright then, tell us. What's the episode about?
CABOOSE:Okay, picture this: we open on a huge Samurai battle. But all the Samurais, are really Ninjas. Then the giant talking dog says-
GRIF:Forget it.
SARGE:GameStop has decided to help us out, by sponsoring a contest to help us find a temporary replacement.
GRIF:So, if you've always wanted to write your own Red vs. Blue PSA, now's your chance. Just check gamestop.com/halo for details on how to submit a storyline.
SARGE:The winner will have their sript produced by the Red vs. Blue team at... Rooster, Teeth Productions? What the heck kinda name is that?
GRIF:Just think of what an amazing opportunity this is. Something you write could actually appear on the Internet. How many people can say that?
SARGE:There's also prizes.
GRIF:Oh, yeah. That's another reason.


RvB: Recreation
The Sixth Anniversary PSA: Add It Up

Fade in to Valhalla during rehearsal
SARGE:I just don't feel like in the last few scenes in the show my character has been properly motivated.
CABOOSE:Uh huh.
SARGE:You know, as a thespian I feel like people need to connect with Sarge's emotional core.
CABOOSE:I hear that.
LOPEZ:Sí. Es muy difícil.
CAPTION:I agree. It can be difficult.
SARGE:Why are you still in character?
LOPEZ:No mames.
CAPTION:Don't fuck with my method.
CABOOSE:I feel you brother.
SIMMONS:Hey guys, I got the new lines for the birthday PSA.
CABOOSE:The what?
SIMMONS:For our sixth anniversary, April first.
CABOOSE:Really, another birthday? It seems like we just did one last year.
SIMMONS:We have to do that annual video that says thanks to the people who like us. And to the people who don't like us it says, you know, fuck you we're not going anywhere.
LOPEZ:Si vamos hacer más líneas, nos vamos a pagar más dinero?
CAPTION:If we're doing extra lines, does that mean we get overtime?
SIMMONS:No, and why are you still in character?
LOPEZ:No voy a decirlo otra vez.
CAPTION:I'm not going over this again.
SIMMONS:There is a small problem though. They wanted to connect the PSA to the website, so they had me doing some research.
CABOOSE:That is a problem.
SIMMONS:No, I mean- are you still in character too?
CABOOSE:Posibilidad.
CAPTION:Possibleness.
SIMMONS:Hhh, turns out, the website users have built up a total time online of over a millenia.
SARGE:Millenium? You mean our users have been surfing for a thousand years?
SIMMONS:Yeah, it's pretty crazy, right?
CABOOSE:Wow, they are really old! Oh my God are they vampires.
SIMMONS:What? No.
CABOOSE:Sorry, I get it. Time travellers.
SIMMONS:Hhh, not individually, a thousand years collectively. And the guys on top want us to celebrate it in some way during the PSA video.
CABOOSE:Oh, yes, I see, since the users like to eat blood.
SIMMONS:Not vampires.
CABOOSE:And since they've probably already been to all the best parties in history-
SIMMONS:Not time travellers.
SARGE:Okay I got it!
SIMMONS:Thank God.
SARGE:To celebrate their thousand years online, we hold a big tournament for the users.
SIMMONS:Sounds good Sir.
SARGE:In which they fight each other to the death with ceremonial swords. Cutting off each other's heads, thus absorbing the immortal powers of their opponents. Winner take all, plus a free T-shirt.
SIMMONS:Guys, the users are not Highlanders. They got the thousand years as a group. If you add up all the time they spent online, then you get the thousand years.
SARGE:Simmons, I told you no math in our videos.
SIMMONS:One of the things I thought we could do would be to compare our community's thousand years of accomplishments with the real world's accomplishments in the same timeframe.
CABOOSE:Sounds great!
SIMMONS:Eh, not so much. It turns out there's kind of a gap between the two.
A graph appears showing the accomplishments of both timelines
SARGE:How big of a gap?
SIMMONS:Well, depending on the thousand years of world history you look at, you have anything from the creation of philosophy, or the Pyramids, or more recent stuff like the discovery of flight, or mass communication.
SARGE:What about our guys?
SIMMONS:Ahour guys? Well, there's a lot of pictures of cats.
SARGE:Is that it?
SIMMONS:Some poorly worded motivational posters, some lip-sync videos, ahand believe me there's a lot of arguments about the origins of the Dharma Initiative.
CABOOSE:You left out animated gifs. I love those.
SARGE:Nhh, I don't know. It just seems like we could've done more.
SIMMONS:Well, look at it this way Sir. It only took our users six years to log a millenium of online time. And, since we're growing exponentially, who knows what new discoveries await us?
CABOOSE:You mean loldogs!
SARGE:Or profiles of hot girls that are actually hot girls.
CABOOSE:Or BAR forums without scary people.
SIMMONS:Dare to dream guys... *sniff* dare to dream.
What a wonderful world


RvB: Recreation
Holiday Plans, Part One: Good News

Fade in to the Reds in Valhalla
SARGE:Men, I'm afraid I have some news for you all.
SIMMONS:What kind of news Sarge? Bad news or good news?
SARGE:It's bad news.
SIMMONS:That's the worst kind!
GRIF:Bad news, whll that's great! What is it?
SIMMONS:What're you excited about?
GRIF:Well, bad news for Sarge is usually good news for us like, h-hch, 'Bad news fellas, we're outta ammo. No fighting today. Bad news men, the chinup bar broke, boohoo. Bad news troops, looks like those peace treaty talks are making progress.'
SARGE:Can it Grif. We've got a serious situation here. As you know, the holiday season is quickly approaching.
GRIF:It is?
SARGE:Of course!
GRIF:Which holiday?
SIMMONS:What do you mean which one? All of them. It's the end of the year.
GRIF:It is?
SIMMONS:Yes, how could you not know that?
GRIF:What do you mean? The sun never sets around here. Who even knows what day it is?
SIMMONS:You have a calendar, and a clock on the heads-up display in your helmet.
GRIF:That think just flashes twelve o-clock all the time. Why do you think I'm late to everything?
SIMMONS:You're an idiot.
GRIF:And I think you're just trying to avoid the subject that the sun never changes position. How come noone ever wants to talk about this? Look at it, it's not moving.
SARGE:Grif, shut up.
GRIF:Hey, the meeting's going slow. I'm just trying to help move things along.
SARGE:Move things along? These briefings always take so much time because you go off-topic!
GRIF:We have topics?
Cut to the Blues watching them from a cliff
TUCKER:Wow, these guys sure have a lot of staff meetings.
CABOOSE:Yeah, they're so lucky.
CHURCH:Well, what're they talking about down there?
TUCKER:Sounds like they're making plans for the holidays. And one of them keeps staring at the sun for some reason.
CABOOSE:Oh man that is the best. I love doing that.
CHURCH:They're making holiday plans?
TUCKER:Yeah.
CHURCH:We haven't really talked about what we're doing yet either. Should we make some plans? Like a party, or, secret Santa kinda thing?
TUCKER:Let's just all agree not to get each other anything.
CHURCH:Yeah I'm cool with that.
Back to the Reds
SARGE:Now, Command has informed me that there's gonna be some mandatory holiday leave for our base.
SIMMONS:Vacation?
GRIF:See I told you. His version of bad news is never bad news for us.
SARGE:Not for you idiots, for me!
GRIF:You're going on vacation. What?
SARGE:I know. I'm as disappointed as you are. Turns out I haven't used any of my accumulated vacation days, and the guys upstairs have ordered me to use some of my saved up time.
SIMMONS:Oh, right, according to Red Army policy, we get a few days of leave every six months. If we don't use them, they start to stockpile. How many do you have?
SARGE:Seven. Hundred and eighty-nine.
SIMMONS:That would be over two years of straight vacation.
GRIF:How long have you been in the army?
SARGE:They say if I don't use them I'll make the other Sergeants look bad. So I guess I have to take a couple days off next week.
SIMMONS:A couple. Yeah that'll put a dent.
GRIF:I think that's a great idea. We should all take a vacation. We've been working pretty hard. We could all use a little downtime.
SARGE:Grif, your whole life is nothing but downtime.
SIMMONS:Yeah, to qualify for vacation, you have to work full-time. That means forty hours.
GRIF:I've worked forty hours.
SIMMONS:Per week.
GRIF:What? That's crazytalk.
SARGE:Besides Grif you already used all your vacation time for personal days. Whatever the hell that means.
SIMMONS:Well, what about me Sir? I haven't taken any days off.
GRIF:What a loser.
SIMMONS:Well, when one of us is getting his perfect attendance medal, we'll see who's laughing then.
GRIF:Hyeah, we will.
SARGE:Sorry, Simmons, but blind troopers don't get individual sick days. We just put 'em all into one big pool. So Grif used all yours already.
SIMMONS:What?
SARGE:Command feels it helps you operate more as a cohesive unit. Promotes solidarity among the soldiers.
SIMMONS:And yet, it doesn't seem to be working, Sir.
SARGE:Noted. So, I'm off to the sunny beaches of Zanzibar. Oh, and I almost forgot- heh heh. I got one piece of good news too.
GRIF:Uh-oh. What? Did you just say good news?
SARGE:Yes. In order to help the remaining troops- that's you- celebrate the holiday festivities, Command has decided to temporarily relocate our unit, to somewhere mooore, seasonal.
GRIF:What do you mean by seasonal?
Welcome to Hoth
GRIF:Welll crap.


RvB: Recreation
Holiday Plans, Part Two: Seasonal Relocation

Fade in to the Red Ice Planet Base
SIMMONS:Well, the base has no heater. No heater means no heat. No heat means no life. We're gonna freeze to death.
GRIF:Great.
SIMMONS:We have fuel, but no igniter, so we can't start it. Command thought this base might be more festive? Ph, I guess our funerals might be a nice family get-together. Hope they take pictures.
GRIF:Simmons, I've been thinking 'bout that. Since this is the holidays, Command would have to let us off for religious purposes, right? I mean, if it came up.
SIMMONS:Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Why, do you have a religious holiday coming up?
GRIF:Yeah.
SIMMONS:I didn't know that. What religion are you?
GRIF:Well, that's the thing, see, I looked it up, to see which religion would give me the most days off?
SIMMONS:I don't think that's how you're supposed to determine your primary philosophical view of the Universe.
GRIF:And I saw that a lot of religions do have holidays in December, but there isn't one that has more coverage than the others.
SIMMONS:Coverage?
GRIF:So, I joined all of them.
SIMMONS:Joined all of what?
GRIF:All religions.
SIMMONS:You joined every religion.
GRIF:Yeah. I feel it A, sends a great message of tolerance and inclusion during this holiday season, and B, it means I get to take off all of December. Also most of next year, and all the years after.
SIMMONS:You can't join every single religion, Grif.
GRIF:Says who?
SIMMONS:Says the religions, it's against their rules!
GRIF:Well see that's the thing, the army doesn't ask that I'm good at my religion, it just asks that I pick one. And I did pick one: I picked 'all'.
SIMMONS:Grif, that is offensive on both a spiritual, and an administrative level.
GRIF:Hey, that statement sounded a little intolerant to me.
SIMMONS:Just help me get this panel off, I need to check the heating coils.
GRIF:Can't, day of rest.
SIMMONS:Hhh, what?
GRIF:Today's one of my days of rest. Turns out I now have six days of rest a week. Very convenient.
SIMMONS:Only six?
GRIF:Yeah, noone covers Monday. Apparently it sucks universally.
SIMMONS:Well, today is Monday, so help me lift this panel.
GRIF:It is? No it's not.
SIMMONS:What does the calendar in your helmet say?
GRIF:... Dammit, I hate Mondays.
TUCKER:Hey Reds, are you over here?
SIMMONS:Oh no, it's the Blues! How did they get here?
TUCKER:We got here because of you morons! Our Command transferred us here because you got transferred. And now we're all freezing, thanks.
SIMMONS:Oh, really. Wow. Yeah that, sounds bad. Sorry about, that. Grif, load your weapon. Get ready to attack.
GRIF:Sorry Simmons, organized combat is against eighty-seven percent of my belief systems.
SIMMONS:Grif!
TUCKER:We can hear you in there.
SIMMONS:Just go away, get back to your base.
CHURCH:Our base is back in Valhalla where it's not freezing.
SIMMONS:You don't like the cold? What's the matter, no holiday spirit?
GRIF:You know, often the journey to enlightenment is a treacherous path, frought with hardship and-
SIMMONS:Hey, you're not helping.
TUCKER:We're stuck here because of you idiots. And we're probably gonna freeze to death.
SIMMONS:Yeah, well that's too- wait, your heat doesn't work also? I mean, either? I mean, yours. I mean your heat doesn't work?
CABOOSE:Yeah, we don't have fuel to run it.
CHURCH:Uhh, what he's trying to say is that it works fine. Does yours work?
SIMMONS:Uh, yes. Maybe. Go away!
GRIF:Simmons, how can we turn away the needy during this holiday season?
SIMMONS:Shut up.
GRIF:But they're cold. And hungry.
SIMMONS:Well, we don't have any food, or any heat.
CHURCH:We heard that.
SIMMONS:Dammit.
CHURCH:Also I don't ever recall saying that we were hungry. But since you're offering, whattaya got?
TUCKER:Screw it, let's just attack.


RvB: Recreation
Holiday Plans, Part Three: Chestnuts Roasting...

Fade in to Zanzibar, where Sarge is relaxing on a deck chair
SARGE:Huah.
SOLDIER:'Scuse me Sergeant, but I have an urgent phone call for you.
SARGE:Phone call, me? Are you sure?
SOLDIER:Fairly, there was quite a bit of panicked screaming.
SARGE:Alright, I'll be right there.
Hey cool, an ice battle. The Blues are attacking the Red Base
GRIF:They just blew up our Warthog. No, wait, it looks okay actually. ... Okay, that one got it.
SIMMONS:When Sarge answers the phone, let me do the talking.
GRIF:Man, that burning jeep looks really warm.
SIMMONS:Don't even think about it.
Sarge comes on the video phone
SARGE:Hey, what's all this about a burning jeep? I thought I told you not to burn the equipment.
SIMMONS:Oh hi Sir. Sorry to bother you during your vacation.
SARGE:Don't worry about it Simmons. Nothing to do around here but sunbathe all day.
GRIF:You were sunbathing in your armor? That doesn't even make sense.
SARGE:Still, maybe Command was right to send me away. It does feel good to get a little R&R. And R.
SIMMONS:What's the third R for Sir?
SARGE:Reporting! Paperwork is the backbone of any good relaxation period.
SIMMONS:Um, if you say so.
A grenade hits the base
GRIF:Incoming!
SIMMONS:I told you already, you're supposed to say that before the shells hit us.
SARGE:Hey, what's going on there?
SIMMONS:Command moved us to a base with no heat, and the Blues are attacking us because they were moved with us. Also, Grif has joined every religion so that he can get more vacation days.
SARGE:I knew we should have removed that 'all of the above' checkbox from the enlistment form.
GRIF:Too late.
SARGE:Doh, durnt.
SIMMONS:Well, now he's incapable of helping in any way whatsoever during battle.
SARGE:And how is that different from any other day?
SIMMONS:... That's a good point Sir.
Shell
GRIF:Incoming!
SIMMONS:Dammit!
SARGE:Simmons, you're in charge now. You need to take control.
SIMMONS:How!?
SARGE:Think of the holiday spirit, Simmons. That's why Command sent you there.
SIMMONS:Holiday spirit!?
SARGE:Yes. Don't you remember the classic holiday stories? What you wanna do is this: first, you build a big wooden baby savior. Then you and Grif hide in it, and place it outside the gates of Blue Base. When the Blues take it inside their facility, you detonate that baby with a thirty ton tactical nuke, and wipe them from existence. It's a classic holiday tale.
SIMMONS:I think you're getting your stories mixed up. I was thinking of a more peaceful solution.
SARGE:Peaceful? I don't like the sound of that. You know what they say, you can't spell surrender, without P-E-A-C-E.
SIMMONS:Yes you can.
SARGE:Can you?
SIMMONS:Yeah, there's not even a P in surrender.
SARGE:Can you?
SIMMONS:Hhh... No Sir.
SARGE:That's the holiday spirit! Now get to nukin'. I gotta go, there's a limbo contest starting at 09:00. See you guys when I get back. Adios.
SIMMONS:Hhh, well, I guess we're on our own.
GRIF:Do you want me to try to convert them to my religions?
SIMMONS:No. Let's try something smarter for once.
Simmons goes outside
SIMMONS:Guys, hey guys cease fire, hold on a sec.
TUCKER:Yeah, whaddaya want.
SIMMONS:Listen guys, I know fighting is what we do, but I was thinking it's the holidays. Do we really need to be fighting during the time of year when people all around the world are coming together in the spirit of brotherhood and good will?
TUCKER:Actually the only reason we're fighting you guys is to try and stay warm. We're afraid if we stop we'll die of hypothermia.
SIMMONS:We're afraid of freezing too. So why don't we agree, just for a day, to set aside our differences, and work together in celebration of the season? Do you think we could do that? Just this once?
Tucker shoots Simmons in the chest
SIMMONS:Hey, what the-
TUCKER:Sorry, I had one bullet left in my clip. It seemed dumb not to use it. But yeah, we're down with the peace and brotherhood whatever thing.
Cut to everyone huddled around a fire
SIMMONS:See, this is what can happen when we agree to work together: nobody dies.
GRIF:Just do us a favor and don't tell our Sergeant about this when he gets back.
TUCKER:That guy is pretty nuts.
CABOOSE:Yeah, we've had some pretty crazy times fighting you guys over the years.
GRIF:Yheah, remember the time Sarge got possessed by that crazy A.I.?
TUCKER:Hoho, or what about the time I got impregnated by that alien, ouch.
GRIF:Heh ha, alien baby.
SIMMONS:Hey, remember when your sister crashed that ship on Donut's head?
CABOOSE:Sometimes I have trouble talking to girls.
GRIF:Um...
TUCKER:Uh, Caboose this really isn't that kind of chat by the fire. We're doing somethin' a little different here.
CABOOSE:Oh.
TUCKER:Yeah.
SIMMONS:So, okahay, what about that time we all got beat up by that really mean girl?
GRIF:Yeah, where did you guys find her? She was kinda awesome.
CABOOSE:I was never very close to my Dad. He worked a lot.
TUCKER:Okay seriously Caboose, you don't have to talk, it's not required.
CABOOSE:Oh good, that's good.
TUCKER:Happy Holidays buddy.
CABOOSE:You too.


RvB: Recreation
Episode 1: Guys Like Us

Fade in to everyone gathered at the bottom of a ramp
SARGE:Men, as you've probably heard, there's an all new Halo game coming out soon. Which means we're going to have a ton of new multiplayer matches to play.
CHURCH:And the best part is, we may actually stand a chance in some of these matches. Noone has played Halo ODST yet, or the new Firefight Mode, so everybody's going to be at our incredibly lousy skill level.
SIMMONS:Yeheah-
GRIF:Woohoo!
SIMMONS:Yeah, we suck!
CABOOSE:Finally someone for me.
GRIF:It's about time.
SARGE:Yeah. And this time the game focuses on regular soldiers, like us. Even more reason why we should finally be able to rack up some wins.
CHURCH:Yep, that's right, we won't be posting our scores against you know who this time, it'll be just plain old Marines.
GRIF:Woohoo!
SIMMONS:Yeah.
GRIF:I can fight them.
SIMMONS:Yeah.
GRIF:Griftastic.
CABOOSE:What's a Marine?
SARGE:Haha! Now in order to prepare for the launch, we're gonna be having some scrimmages, and watching some training films.
CABOOSE:I love movies! And scrimmages sound delicious.
GRIF:You don't know what that word means, do you.
CABOOSE:No I don't.
SARGE:Alright then, let's roll the film. See who our 'competition' is, hya heh heh heh.
The film starts with some soldiers, and gets progressively more badass
GRIF:Oh no, they look soo tough.
SIMMONS:Whohoa, are they gonna fight all those things?
CHURCH AND  SARGE:...
GRIF:Uhm, so where's the movie with the regular soldiers?
SARGE:Euh, maybe I grabbed the wrong tape.
SIMMONS:Dude, I hope so.
CABOOSE:I'm scared. And I don't know why.


RvB: Recreation
Episode 2: Aliens, Aliens, Aliens

Fade in to another badass training video, with aliens
Switch to people on Valhalla
SIMMONS:And did you see how many aliens there were?
GRIF:A lot. Very many. Many, aliens.
SIMMONS:We're mulitplayer guys, we don't fight aliens, don't they undestand that? We're going from fighting zero aliens, to fighting every alien.
GRIF:It was definitely a lot of aliens.
CHURCH:Hey guys, I know you were disappointed about having to fight aliens, and about putting our scores up against the actual ODSTs.
SIMMONS:What?
More badass combat footage, intersperced throughout the video
SIMMONS:Oh man, I forgot about that part. I guess I blocked it out.
CHURCH:Well, I have good news and bad news about other people that are gonna be in the game.
SIMMONS:What?
CHURCH:Yeah, the bad news is that we're also going to have to put up our Firefight scores against Sergeant Johnson. People who preorder from GameStop can unlock him for Firefight.
SIMMONS:Sergeant Johnson? Noone told us that. There's no way we can compete now. What's the good news?
CHURCH:Oh the good news isn't for us, it's for the people that preorder the game. You know, because of the Sergeant Johnson thing that I, just mentioned.
SIMMONS:Great.
SARGE:Men, it looks like I got us an early Scrimmage match in ODST. We'll get to do a little prep work before it's released. That'll give us a well deserved, unfair advantage.
SIMMONS:Hey Sarge, did you know that Sergeant Johnson is gonna be in this game too?
SARGE:What? He is?
CHURCH:It's true.
SARGE:Sergeant Johnson, eh? I haven't spoken to him in years.
CHURCH:You know him?
SARGE:I did. From my days back in Sergeant School.
SIMMONS:Is that even a real thing?
SARGE:Heh. I remember those years fondly. All those young Sergeants, so full of enthusiasm. Just bristling with anticipation at the thought of strangling their first Cadet. Of course not everyone made that cut. The coursework was quite challenging.
SIMMONS:Coursework? For Drill Sergeants?
SARGE:Absolutely. I majored in screaming! With a minor in Hoo-rah. And we all got to choose a mentor from the faculty. I chose, Sergeant Johnson.
CHURCH:Sergeant Johnson was a college professor?
SARGE:Honorary professor. That man wrote a dissertation on asskicking that revolutionized the way we think about chokeholds. His chapter on ballkicking was reprinted in Vanity Fair.
CHURCH:Why am I having a hard time believing this.
SARGE:His tutelage got me through some of my darkest hours at the Academy. Like the time I failed a drop and give me twenty test.
CHURCH:What happened?
SARGE:I asked for the twenty, but forgot to tell 'em to drop! Ever seen an entire platoon of men doing pushups from a standing position? It ain't pretty.
GRIF:None of it sounds good.
SARGE:Ah, well that's enough reminiscing. Let's get ready for our Scrimmage. Gear up, men.
Really, really badass combat footage
CHURCH:Yeah, I have a feeling we're about to be taken to school as well.


RvB: Recreation
Episode 3: The Man, The Myth, The Legend

Fade in to the battlefield
SARGE:Alright, men, this is it. ODST. How's the new armor fit?
GRIF:Good.
SIMMONS:Yeah, awesome.
GRIF:Aw, hey look, turn on your visor.
CHURCH:Uh, hey Sarge, you don't think Sergeant Johnson's gonna be part of our Scrimmage today, do you?
SARGE:He is in the game, so it's a possibility. Is that a problem?
CHURCH:Wella- it's just there's so many legends about that guy, I mean, I once heard he took on an entire Covenant battalion by himself.
Cut to appropriate badass footage
CHURCH:And rumor has it, he can't be killed.
Cut to footage of Johnson totally stuck with giant spikes, and still kicking ass
CHURCH:And my friend's cousin's neighbour told me, he has laser eyes.
Cut to footage of Johnson killing an alien with his laser eyes
CHURCH:I'm pretty sure that last one is fake though.
GRIF:I'm scared.
CHURCH:You should be. Sergeant Johnson is as tough as they come. They say he's as strong as an ox, and as agile as... a, smaller ox.
SARGE:What?
CHURCH:He moves like a whisper, that you only say to the wind at midnight.
SIMMONS:Why would you, do that, that, doesn't make any sense.
CHURCH:He's as cunning as a fox... taking a, pottery class at a, Ivy League university... that accepts foxes.
GRIF:Wow, you're not really good at analogies, are you.
CHURCH:The point is, he can be anywhere, any place, at any time. ... He's right behind me right now, isn't he.
GRIF:Yep.
CHURCH:Oh great.
Sergeant Johnson starts charging his laser eyes
SARGE:Whatever you do, don't look directly into his eyes. Uh oh, too late.


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 1: For Those Of You Just Joining Us...

Fade in to Doc in Valhalla, and radio sounds
DOC:Come in Command. Come in Command, this is Medical Officer Dufresne. I have arrived at Freelancer Program Simulation Outpost Seventeen. Command? Come in? Come in, this is Medical Officer Dufresne. I have reached FPS Outpost 17.
SIMMONS:Hey, down here, we're over here! Hey, come down here!
DOC:Never mind Command, I think I see the objective. Stupid radio doesn't work anyway. What else is new.
Doc runs down to Simmons and dead Donut
DOC:Holy cow, Simmons! Is that you?
SIMMONS:Oh, hey Doc. Man, I didn't know they'd send you.
DOC:Yeah, we got the radio call and I was the closest medic so they sent me. But I didn't know it'd be you guys! Small galaxy, huh? Man, we got a lotta catching up to do. So what's up, somebody hurt or what? What's going on?
SIMMONS:Him.
DOC:Him? Um, he's dead.
SIMMONS:Yeah, he is. He was shot.
DOC:Um, Simmons, I know it's been a while since we've seen each other, and I have increased my skill as a medic in that time, but dead is still pretty much outside my jurisdiction.
SIMMONS:Man, I just didn't know they'd send you.
DOC:Yeah, you said that already. Hey is everything okay with you?
SIMMONS:It's not my fault Doc, I- I had to make the call, they made me. They needed someone with medical training.
DOC:What're you talkin' about?
SIMMONS:I didn't mean for you to get involved, I'm sorry, really.
DOC:Sorry about what?
Doc turns around and sees Wash and the Meta
DOC:Uh oh.
WASHINGTON:He's sorry about us.
Check out the new title screen sequence! Oh, and then we join everyone else in the desert
TUCKER:Hey Grif, what's up?
GRIF:Hm? Oh. Hey Tucker.
TUCKER:What're you doing?
GRIF:Well, Sarge told me to bury all the bodies from our battle...
TUCKER:That's a lotta graves. Lotta holes to fill. Bow chicka bow wow.
GRIF:And now I can't find 'em, because the bodies were piled up over here, by these stone pillars, and then the wind came and blew sand all over the damn things.
TUCKER:So I guess they're already buried. Good job dude.
GRIF:I like the way you think.
SARGE:Grif, what the hell are you doing up here? I thought I told you to bury those... bodies. What?
TUCKER:He did, he buried the shit out of them, look.
SARGE:What the- I only gave you that order five minutes ago. How'd you do it so fast? Did you help him?
TUCKER:Help him? Dude, we've been fighting for like eight years, haven't you learned anything about me yet? I'm a lover, not a digger.
GRIF:Yeheah, maybe he woulda helped me if some of the bodies were dead ladies. ...And I realise that sounded a lot creepier than what I intended.
SARGE:Well, does someone wanna say a few words?
GRIF:Words?
SARGE:Yes, these men were soldiers. Even if they were enemy soldiers, they still deserve a eulogy.
TUCKER:Well don't look at me, I'm a lover not a talker. Hey dude, you wanna make another sex with dead people joke?
GRIF:No, I think I hit my quota.
SARGE:Well what about your buddy mister cult leader?
Cut to Church hovering around a rock with aliens in tow
CHURCH:So, then was one guy, said some things to another guy, and the people liked it. And that's pretty much that.
TUCKER:It's not his fault, those aliens just worship this ancient technology. And the people who made it. Huh huh what's a brother gonna do?
SARGE:Who in Sam Hell worships technology?
GRIF:Are they from the Internet?
CABOOSE:Yes, this is just very interesting. I understand everything that is being said. Good.
TUCKER:Caboose, what're you doing, get outta there.
CABOOSE:It's not fair! Hya- I worshipped Church, way before it was cool to worship him.
GRIF:Hey, I already told you, that's still not cool. That will never, be cool. Ever.
CHURCH:Oh hey there guys. How's life among all the non-deities? Pretty lame, I bet! Pretty sure none of you've been worshipped all day long today. Weak!
SARGE:Dya think you guys might be milkin' this just a bit?
TUCKER:Hey, do you want to tell the big group of deadly aliens that they're mistaken and he's not who they think he is?
SARGE:Hm, I see your point. Hey, your circular holiness! How 'bout delivering the eulogy? We're buryin' most of these guys 'cause of you anyway.
CHURCH:Me? I only lasered one guy.
CABOOSE:Which was awesome.
CHURCH:I know it was, right?
CABOOSE:So cool. The laser came out of your face.
TUCKER:Have you been able to figure out how you did that yet?
CHURCH:No, I think it's just because I got really mad. Hey, say something to make me angry. See if it happens again.
TUCKER:You're ugly and nobody likes you.
GRIF:You're annoying and your team sucks.
CABOOSE:You're round and you can't wear pants.
CHURCH:You guys came up with all that really quickly.
TUCKER:Eh, it pays to be prepared. Did it work? Are you pissed?
CHURCH:No, I think I'm actually kinda depressed now. Caboose is right. I can't wear pants.
CABOOSE:Well I only said it because everyone is thinking it.
TUCKER:Maybe mad makes a red laser, and depressed'll make a blue laser.
CABOOSE:Well I hope we don't find out what makes a brown laser.
SARGE:You idiots shut up. Hey Globey, you makin' a speech or ain't ya?
CHURCH:Hey sure no problem. I did a sermon just the other day that the aliens loved.
TUCKER:Sermon? You just read them the setup guide to our Inkjet printer.
CHURCH:Yeah, and they eat that gadget stuff up. You gotta know your audience buddy.
GRIF:How is it possible that ever since Caboose revived you, you can't remember anything except how to be a jackass?
TUCKER:Some things are hardwired.
CHURCH:Attention true believers. And... other people. We are here today to pay our final, and our first, respects, to the dearly departed. But first, I'd like you all to join me in a song, in honor of me. Hm. I am the best.
SARGE AND  GRIF:Skip it.
CHURCH:Fine. Okay, uh, in the beginning, there was darkness. And uh, and out from the darkness came a voice. And it said...
Church looks to the side and sees someone in black and a downed ship in a vision
CHURCH:And it said... Uh... Uh-out- out from the darkness came... Out from the darkness...
GRIF:Is his playback skipping?
TUCKER:I don't know.
SARGE:Maybe he needs a reboot. Good thing I wore my boots. I'll reboot him right in the keister. Hheh heh.
CHURCH:Out from the darkness came uh, someone. I'll be right back.
Everyone watches Church head off, and the aliens make some confused and disgruntled sounds. But mostly confused
TUCKER:Uh oh, the natives are getting restless. Caboose, get up there and stall 'em, I'll figure out what's going on.
CABOOSE:Yes, and out of the darkness came someone! And that someone was me! Yes. And I said, funerals are sad, and we should have a birthday party instead, yes! Yes, let there be cake! Um, hallelujah, gesundheit.
CHURCH:Hey you! Hold on a second, who are you? Hey I'm talkin' to you, what are you deaf? What are you...
Church was following the black armored guy through the desert, and then it turns into a waterfall-side base that the black guy's entering
CHURCH:What?
TUCKER:Church! Hey Church, what're you doing out here man?
CHURCH:Hu-whu?
TUCKER:The aliens don't like it when you leave them alone. And I don't like it when the aliens don't like stuff.
The mirage is gone
CHURCH:Did you see him?
TUCKER:Who?
CHURCH:The person, from the darkness, the- no, th- that's not right, that's not right. Well did you see?
SARGE:What's he talkin' about?
TUCKER:I think he's having another memory flash.
SARGE:A what?
TUCKER:Random memories that keep coming back to him. He's been getting 'em more and more lately and I don't think he has any control over 'em. He gets all emo too, it's annoying. Like having a chick around, but without all the fun parts of having a chick around. Like bonin'!
SARGE:You should take out his memory unit and blow on it. That'll fix it.
CABOOSE:Is he having more memories?
TUCKER:Yep.
CABOOSE:Did he remember me this time?
TUCKER:Nope.
CHURCH:I saw a canyon, and uh, a waterfall. And there was some kinda dark figure there.
CABOOSE:Was the dark figure me?
TUCKER:Caboose, we will let you know if you come up, I promise. A waterfall, huh? That's the second time you've talked about that. Yeah, but where could that be?
GRIF:Uh, that sounds like our new bases.
CABOOSE:It does? It does!
TUCKER:What? Caboose, why didn't you mention that the first time?
CABOOSE:Um, I didn't remember it?
TUCKER:You didn't remember a waterfall? Dude, that's like not remembering your first girlfriend turned out to have a dick. Right Grif?
GRIF:Sometimes I'm sorry I even told you that story.


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 2: Drink Your Ovaltine

Fade in to Sarge and Grif in the desert
SARGE:Hmm.
GRIF:Hey Sarge, what's wrong?
SARGE:I don't like this, Grif.
GRIF:What, the vision?
TUCKER:It's a waterfall, it's literally impossible to forget. Like girlfriend dick.
SARGE:Yeah. I've never been what you'd call a "new age" kinda guy.
GRIF:You don't say.
SARGE:But this bowling ball seems to be on a heck of a roll! Pun intended. What with the flying and the laser shooting and all.
GRIF:And he can lift stuff without arms. That's pretty cool.
SARGE:That too. What if there's something to this whole vision thing? We need to call Simmons. Find out if he's seen anything out of the ordinary.
GRIF:How? Our long range radio here got destroyed, and we don't have enough signal power in the jeeps to reach him.
SARGE:I think I have an idea how to fix that.
Cut to Simmons and Doc being held prisoner in a base by Wash and the Meta
DOC:Hh, mm. Ow my head. Oh.
SIMMONS:Doc, you're alive. Good.
DOC:Yeah, no thanks to you. Why'd you hit me?
SIMMONS:I didn't hit you, they did.
DOC:Jerks. Who're they?
SIMMONS:The dark one's Washington. He's a Freelancer.
DOC:Great. 'Cause those guys are always such a blast to hang around with.
SIMMONS:The big one, we call the Meta.
DOC:But rumor had it those guys were disbanded. Everyone went to jail.
SIMMONS:Yeah, hwell I guess they got paroled.
WASHINGTON:You two, quiet.
The Meta starts glitching
WASHINGTON:Then you need to stop trying to use all of them. You just don't have the resources any more.
SIMMONS:Meta killed a bunch of other Freelancers. Took their equipment.
DOC:Like the invisibility?
SIMMONS:Yeah, and the shield and the thing that slows down time. He also stole their A.I. fragments, but those all got wiped out. Now something seems, I don't know, wrong with him.
DOC:An A.I. fragment? That I remember. Hey Simmons, remember that A.I. I had for a while? That thing was crazy.
The Meta makes some swoosh sounds, and approaches Doc
DOC:Yipes!
WASHINGTON:Halt. Meta, stop!
DOC:Wyaa! Simmons, help me!
WASHINGTON:You, what did you just say?
DOC:Tht- tht- tht- tht tht, that I had one of your A.I. units?
The Meta grunts or something... it's really hard to translate him, you know?
WASHINGTON:Stand down. You said had. Where is it now?
DOC:Gone.
WASHINGTON:Which one?
DOC:Uh, uh ub, the mean one.
WASHINGTON:Its name. Did you know its name?
DOC:Uh, O'Malley. I mean uh, Omega.
WASHINGTON:Well that one's been accounted for.
DOC:I-I only had it for a short time.
WASHINGTON:Well then good. You know what to look for. I need a complete scan of my friend here. And I would recommend you don't use any needles. He hates needles, and we wouldn't wanna make him angry, now would we?
Well, Sarge and Grif are at the jeep, and Church is at the top of the radio antenna
SARGE:Alright let's try this. You ready antenna ball?
CHURCH:I told you not to call me that! And hurry it up. This metal rod isn't exactly in a comfortable place.
GRIF:Hey, do you wanna find out about your vision or don't ya?
Radio sounds
SARGE:Come in Valhalla Outpost Number One. Come in! Red Base, do you read me? Come in! Give me some more power, shotput.
Simmons comes in on the radio
SIMMONS:Uh, Sarge? Yeah, hi.
SARGE:Who is this, identify yourself.
SIMMONS:It's me, Simmons. Sorry Sir.
SARGE:How is everything going there, Simmons?
SIMMONS:Here? Uh, fine I guess. Everything's good. How 'bout you guys?
SARGE:Mission is complete. We're preparing to head out soon.
SIMMONS:What was that? Sorry, some static here. This radio's a little messed up. Been a bit rainier here.
SARGE:I said, we're comin' back soon.
SIMMONS:Oh, that's great. Hey, when do you think that'll be, exactly.
SARGE:Hard to say, Simmons. We'll let you know.
Cut to Simmons at the radio with a gun to his head
SIMMONS:Okay Sarge, sounds good.
SARGE:Over and out.
WASHINGTON:Okay good. Now get back over there.
DOC:That was your Sergeant?
SIMMONS:Yeah.
DOC:You think he'll come help us?
SIMMONS:Noh, I couldn't say anything to him. If they come, they'll be walking sraight into a trap.
Back to the desert, and Church doesn't have a pole up his ball any more
GRIF:Thanks for the help.
CHURCH:Yeah, whatever. I'm not gonna fly straight for a week now.
GRIF:Simmons sounded good. I guess he's got everything under control.
SARGE:Donut and Lopez are dead and someone has taken Simmons prisoner.
GRIF:What? Everything sounded fine to me.
SARGE:Think about it. How do you answer the radio at our base?
GRIF:Thank you for calling Red Base, this is Private Grif, how may I assist you today.
SARGE:And we've drilled that since day one! Simmons answered 'Hi.' That was my first clue!
GRIF:So maybe he's just ups-
SARGE:He also said the radio was in disrepair. When has Lopez ever let something go without the proper maintenance?
GRIF:Never.
SARGE:And look at the time.
GRIF:Can't, clock's broken.
SARGE:It's 17:30. And everybody knows that 17:30 is...
GRIF:Donut's daily wine and cheese hour!
SARGE:I didn't hear any tinkling glasses. Did you?
GRIF:You're right.
SARGE:He also mentioned that the weather was rainier. And as we all know, Mt. Rainier is the biggest landmass in the state of... Washington.
GRIF:We do? Uh uh- I mean we do!
SARGE:How many Washingtons do we know?
GRIF:Did he mean, Agent Washington?
SARGE:And who's the biggest mass we know, associated with Washington?
GRIF:The Meta!
SARGE:So the Meta and Washington have teamed up to kill Donut and Lopez, and now they're holding Simmons and Doc prisoner.
GRIF:We have to help 'em. Wait, Doc? Ha- how do you know he's there?
SARGE:Please, Grif, it's so obvious. I don't wanna insult your intelligence by explaining every little detail.
GRIF:Oh, uh, wuh okay.
SARGE:Come on- we're going to Valhalla. It's time for a rescue mission!
GRIF:Rescue mission? How the hell are we supposed to fight Wash and the Meta?
SARGE:Don't worry I have a plan. How good are the seatbelts in this new jeep?
GRIF:Good, I guess.
CHURCH:Valhalla, huh?
Church starts following the jeep at a distance
GRIF:Wait, why.


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 3: Upon Further Review

Fade in to the hostages at Red Base
WASHINGTON:Doc. What did you find out in your scan of the Meta?
DOC:Uh, it's hard to say. He's added so much non-standard equipment to his armor I can't really get a good reading on him.
WASHINGTON:I didn't want you to run an intelligence report on him, I wanted a medical one.
DOC:His power systems are stressed from trying to maintain it all. Is he missing some component that controls all this, er-
WASHINGTON:Physically, is he fine, physically?
DOC:Yeah, I guess.
WASHINGTON:Good. Next time, answer the question I ask. I'm watching you two. Give me any trouble, and you're dead. Don't believe me? Ask your buddy about his friend, Donut.
DOC:Hey, he does realize that I'm the one who scanned Donut's dead body, right?
SIMMONS:I think he was just making a point. Hey, I have an idea. Give me your scanner thing.
DOC:My scanner? Why, it can't be used as a weapon.
SIMMONS:Maybe it can. If I can overload the power cell, you may be able to fire an overcharged burst. It could short out the Meta's sytems. Either that or...
DOC:Or what?
SIMMONS:Huh? Wha- na na na na, no or, just that, forget the or.
DOC:You were gonna say explode. Weren't you.
SIMMONS:...No?
DOC:Were you thinking explode?
SIMMONS:H- Just give me the damn scanner.
Cut to Washington, next to the Meta on the base, looking at Sarge through his scope
SARGE:Oh Simmons... Simmons! Where are you? Yoohoo!
WASHINGTON:Looks like just one of them.
SARGE:Yoohoo!
WASHINGTON:I don't know if he has it. I can't see from this far.
SARGE:Siiimmons!
WASHINGTON:No, you stay here, guard these two. I'll go out there. If he gives me any trouble, just kill the prisoners and come help me.
DOC:I hope your friend doesn't give him any trouble.
SIMMONS:If he's one of my friends we don't stand a chance.
The Meta turns toward them and grunts or something, and we head back to the desert. Well, the camera does; we stay put in our chairs
TUCKER:Yo, dudes! Sarge! Grif! Where'd you go? Oh great.
CABOOSE:Um, hey Tucker?
TUCKER:Yeah what's up dude.
CABOOSE:Um, have you seen Church?
TUCKER:Naw, I'm looking for the Red guys. Looks like they fixed one of the jeeps and took off.
CABOOSE:Oh. Well that's not good.
TUCKER:Maybe Church went with them, maybe they took him, I don't know dude.
CABOOSE:Oh I wouldn't say that. I don't think that would happen.
TUCKER:What? How the fuck would you know?
CABOOSE:'Cause if he were gone I think some people who have been looking for him might be really mad that he's not here and we might have to explain to those people, why he's not here and those people might not like our explanation and those people might hurt us with plasma guns and plasma grenades.
TUCKER:Oh. Right.
CABOOSE:... I mean the aliens.
TUCKER:Yeah, I figured that out.
Cut back to Sarge, hanging out in front of Blue Base
SARGE:Maroon One, Maroon One, where are you?
WASHINGTON:Great. This guy. Freeze! Stay where you are. Turn around.
SARGE:Well well. If it isn't our good buddy Agent Washington. And just what're you doing here?
WASHINGTON:Don't play dumb with me Sarge. I think you know why I'm here. Where are the rest of your guys, where's Epsilon?
SARGE:Someplace safe.
WASHINGTON:You can either tell me, or you can tell the Meta, back at the base.
SARGE:The Meta is here?
WASHINGTON:Yes. And he really wants a chance to repay you guys for all the trouble you caused him.
SARGE:I seem to recall you caused him some of that trouble yourself.
WASHINGTON:Situation's changed. Now drop your weapons.
Sarge drops his shotgun
SARGE:Just so you know, I'm gonna want that back in a minute.
WASHINGTON:I said drop your weapons.
SARGE:All my weapons?
WASHINGTON:Yes.
SARGE:You sure? Maybe I could just keep the pistol. You know these things aren't quite as effective as they used to be.
WASHINGTON:Drop it, now.
Sarge drops his severely underpowered pistol
SARGE:Well that's what people say.
WASHINGTON:Good. Now march.
SARGE:Son, you can insult me. You can ambush me. You can even take away muh weapons. But if you think I'm gonna set one single pinky toe inside of Blue Base? Without my shotgun... you must not know who you're dealin' with.
WASHINGTON:I said move.
SARGE:And I said, shotgun.
WASHINGTON:Yes. I have your shotgun.
SARGE:No, I mean shot gun.
WASHINGTON:What is this, you think I'm gonna give you your shotgun beacuse you asked?
SARGE:I said, shotgun! Shotgun dammit!
GRIF:Oh, yeah, shotgun, that's my cue!
WASHINGTON:What? Wait, what're you up to? What's that noise? Do I hear a...
Grif drives the jeep through the wall of Blue Base and lands on Washington after he says:
WASHINGTON:Car!?
GRIF:How's my bumper taste, asshole?
Wash raises his hand in front of the jeep
GRIF:Uh oh.
Wash mounts the front of the jeep and starts firing both weapons through the windshield
WASHINGTON:Gah!
GRIF:Uh oh. Yipes! Ouwaaha-
Grif finds the brake among the six pedals and sends Wash flying, and Sarge grabs his shotgun as he flies by
SARGE:See? Told you I'd get it back.
GRIF:How 'bout next time we use a codeword, we choose something you don't say every five seconds.
Sarge gets in the car
SARGE:Just drive, numbnuts.
Wash staggers back to his feet as the jeep approaches
WASHINGTON:Huh. H-uh. Nuh, Wuh.
SARGE:Agent Wash? 
WASHINGTON:Son of a bitch.
SARGE:You just got-
Sarge fires and blows up the propane tanks behind Wash
SARGE:Gaw dammit, I messed up my one-liner.
Cut back to Simmons and Doc at Red Base
SIMMONS:Okay, now's our chance Doc, hit him with an overcharge. It should overload at least one of his systems.
DOC:Um, you do it.
SIMMONS:What- me? I don't even know how to fire that thing.
DOC:Just pull the trigger and let go, it's super easy.
SIMMONS:No no no, you're trained with it, you should do it. Go.
DOC:What if I miss? What if it doesn't do anything but make him mad? I already made it mad once and that didn't really work out very well.
SIMMONS:Whuga-what- well then just, we'll improvise.
DOC:Yeah I don't feel entirely comfortable with that answer.
The explosion from the propane tanks occurs in the distance, because this was kind of a "meanwhile, back in the jungle" scene
DOC:What the heck was that?
SIMMONS:Uh oh, I have a bad feeling that someone just caused him trouble.
DOC:Yeuu!
SIMMONS:Oh no, improvise, improvise!


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 4: Recovering One

Fade in to Church entering the giant hole Grif and the jeep blew in Blue Base
CHURCH:Whoa. Guess they came this way. Hm h-hm hm hm hm hmm.
Back to Simmons and Doc, from last week's episode.
SIMMONS:Okay, now's our chance Doc, hit him with an overcharge. It should overload at least one of his systems.
DOC:Um, you do it.
SIMMONS:What- me? I don't even know how to fire that thing.
DOC:Just pull the trigger and let go, it's super easy.
SIMMONS:No no no, you're trained with it, you should do it. Go.
DOC:What if I miss? What if it doesn't do anything but make him mad? I already made it mad once and that didn't really work out very well.
SIMMONS:Whuga-what- well then just, we'll improvise.
DOC:Yeah I don't feel entirely comfortable with that answer.
The explosion from the propane tanks occurs in the distance, just like it did last time
DOC:What the heck was that?
SIMMONS:Uh oh, I have a bad feeling that someone just caused him trouble.
DOC:Yeuu!
SIMMONS:Oh no, improvise, improvise!
Doc fires the burst into the attacking Meta, who is thrown against the wall, recovers, and runs to attack Doc
DOC:Uh- whng-
The Meta slows down almost to nothing
DOC:Am I dead? Am I dead?
SIMMONS:Doc, you did it!
DOC:He's frozen.
SIMMONS:No, it looks like you overloaded his time distortion unit. You must have caused some kind of inversion. Instead of making everything else slow, it made him slow.
DOC:Huh huh, yeah! Score one for the pacifist. How you like me now, Meta?
SIMMONS:Um, Doc? I wouldn't get too close to him if I were you.
DOC:Why, what's he gonna do? Beat me up over the course of the next two weeks?
SIMMONS:Well, technically he's not actually moving slower, he's moving at the same speed just over a longer period of time.
DOC:Huh?
SIMMONS:It's relativistic. His fist still travels at the same velocity, we just view it from a faster timeframe. Therefor it looks slowed down, but theoretically, it should still carry the same force.
DOC:... Nah, see? It's moving slower.
The Meta's fist finally reaches Doc, and sends him flying into the wall. I mean actually into it, not just against it
DOC:Waahuaa! Ow!
SIMMONS:See? That's what you get for arguing with science. Stupid bitch.
DOC:Simmons, get me outta this wall.
SIMMONS:Hmm, how do I do this...
Simmons tries various embarassing postures to get Doc free
SIMMONS:The fuck- uhh, Jesus.
DOC:You're not pulling from my center.
SIMMONS:Dheuh- from the center, what the fuck is the center?
DOC:Get down and pull from the groin.
SIMMONS:Euh-deu-kei- tsei- eih- eih- eih- eih-
DOC:Let go- stop rubbing at my head. Hey-
SIMMONS:Eah- 
DOC:It feels like you're saving your strength. Don't save your strength. Hurry Simmons! I think that big guy's speeding back up!
SIMMONS:Oh shit. Um-
SARGE:Simmons, where are you? Come out here!
SIMMONS:I'm here, hold on just a second! Doc, it looks like I can't get you out.
DOC:Yes you can! You're, you can, you haven't really tried yet!
SIMMONS:I know, you're right, I should think about the mission.
DOC:What? No! Not unless this is rescue mission. I'm part of the mission.
SIMMONS:It's a noble sacrifice you're making here.
DOC:No no, I'm not sacrificing. I'm not noble. At all, listen to me, you don't wanna go I don't want you to go. I don't want you to go!
SIMMONS:I'll always remember you, bye!
DOC:Start by remembering me right now! Simmons!
The Meta returns to full speed and fires at Simmons as he runs across the base
SARGE:Hurry it up!
Simmons jumps off the base screaming, tosses his weapon, and somehow ends up behind the gun in the back of the jeep
SIMMONS:Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah- Whuh? Aahhhhhhhh!
SARGE:Simmons, stop showing off and get in already!
SIMMONS:This isn't on purpose!
The Meta keeps firing, Simmons loses his grip
SIMMONS:No, wait wait wait! Guys, guys, just slow down a little, why don't you-
Simmons gurgles underwater as they drive through the creek
SARGE:What did he say?
The Meta pursues
SARGE:Grif, incoming.
GRIF:Don't worry, we'll just do what we did last time.
The Meta lands on the front of the jeep, crushing it, sending it flying with Simmons still holding on, and then shoots the jeep to make it fly faster
SIMMONS:I'm pissed to hold on, but I'm scared to let go!
GRIF:Look out!
SARGE:Whoa.
Sarge and Grif jump out of the way, the jeep stops against a rock, and as Sarge stands up a giant tire rolls over Grif
GRIF:Uh-huhh- ouh!
SARGE:That was the worst driving of all time.
GRIF:Because that wasn't driving, that was flying and burning!
SARGE:Touche.
Simmons staggers around in the background, holding a large pipe
SIMMONS:Wuhu, wuh huh weeaha, wha- what happened, where am I?
The Meta approaches
SARGE:Get ready men. Remember, he can't kill all of us.
GRIF:Why can't he kill all of us?
SARGE:Hmm. That is a good point.
SIMMONS:Whit- weehu heenu- hey, I'm okay.
SARGE:Get ready.
GRIF:This is not going to be good.
CHURCH:Hey guys, what's going on? Man your jeep got fucked up! Who's the big dude? Sup Gigantor?
The Meta takes a swing at the newly arrived Churchball
CHURCH:Whoa! You kiss your mother with that mouth?
GRIF:What're you doing here?
SARGE:Who cares, just lead him out of here!
CHURCH:Hey ho- where?
SARGE:Anywhere that's not here.
CHURCH:Hey come on big boy, follow me! Look how shiny I am, woohoo!
SARGE:Come on!
SIMMONS:What the fuck was that floating thing?
GRIF:We'll explain later, run.
Church arrives at Blue Base, the one from his vision
CHURCH:Come on big boy, come this way. Wait a minute. I know this place. Hello? Somebody in there?
The Meta shows up
CHURCH:Oh, shit, you scared the crap outta me.
SARGE:Quick! Everyone, through the hole. Just sayin' that makes me miss Donut.
GRIF:What're we gonna do? We can't outrun him and our jeep is destroyed.
SARGE:We have to seal the opening.
SIMMONS:Do we have any grenades?
SARGE:Negative, we need a plan of action.
CHURCH:Hey I know he's a friend o' yours, but I gotta tell you that guy with the shiny head is kind of an asshole.
SIMMONS:Well if you're here, then where's the- oh no, there's the Meta! Come on we have to hurry!
GRIF:I have an idea. Hey, you, dipshit!
CHURCH:You talkin' to me?
GRIF:Yeah, you. This is all your fault you stupid piece o' junk. You got us in this mess.
CHURCH:Me? It was your friend we had to rescue.
GRIF:Ah bullshit, now the Meta's coming up here and he's gonna kill all of us, starting with you.
SARGE:What are you doing?
CHURCH:I wasn't even looking for you guys, I was trying to find-
SARGE:Oh, I get it. Can it you overgrown ornament!
CHURCH:Oh, now you wanna start?
GRIF:Hey, I'm not done with you yet ball bearing.
CHURCH:That's rude.
SARGE:Your mother takes it in the exhaust port!
GRIF:Come on Simmons, help us.
SIMMONS:I don't even know what you're doing.
SARGE:Your mother gets paddled like a pinball!
CHURCH:Hey, let's leave mothers outta this!
GRIF:We're trying to increase the stress level.
SARGE:We need some insults!
SIMMONS:Um, okay. Grif, you're so fat you broke your arm and gravy came out. Sarge, I find a lot of your tactical decisions to be questionable if not downright mediocre.
SARGE:Not insults for us Simmons, for him!
SIMMONS:I don't understand the rules of your stupid game I just got here!
CHURCH:Ah, you guys are idiots.
GRIF:This isn't working. We need something to make him mad. Really mad.
SIMMONS:Has he seen the last episode of The Sopranos yet?
The Meta and Wash are getting closer
CHURCH:Uh oh, look out, it's the big guy! And there's-
WASHINGTON:Get them Meta! Get them!
CHURCH:Washington!
Church's laserface fires and seals up the hole
CHURCH:What? No! Open it up! Open it up! I have to go back!
SARGE:Go back? Son are you crazy? After what we just went through to get outta there?
CHURCH:No, he'll find her! Don't you understand? I can't let them, get to her... furst.
Church falls ...over? Down? Out of the air?
GRIF:Wow, I guess he ran out of juice.
SARGE:He's had a hard day. Let him sleep it off. Load him up, let's hit the road.
SIMMONS:So, what is this thing, like some kinda pet?
GRIF:Yeah, I guess you could say that. Come on, I'll fill you in.
Outside, the Meta grunts
WASHINGTON:Don't worry, we'll find them again. We just need some leads. And I know exactly who to ask.
DOC:Hey guys? A little help here. Hello? Assholes.


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 5: Fourth and Twenty

Fade in to Caboose being harassed on top of a tall rock formation by 4 aliens below. Tucker is with them, but not harassing Caboose
CABOOSE:Go away, bad aliens! Shoo aliens shoo! Rolled up newspaper!
TUCKER:Maybe you should have thought about that before you lost their all-powerful Deity.
CABOOSE:I didn't lose him, he left. Or maybe he lost himself. Or maybe the Reds took him.
Caboose gets shot
CABOOSE:I don't- ow, stop that.
TUCKER:Well, until the Reds come back, they need somebody to blame. Better you than me man.
CABOOSE:Tucker, help me.
TUCKER:Hyeah, dude, I don't know. I don't really wanna get in between an angry mob and their religious iconography. And I should know, I used to date an Italian girl.
CABOOSE:But he's not really gone, it's all made up. You know that.
The aliens turn toward Tucker
TUCKER:Whoa dude, I don't know shit. That sounds like straight up blasphemy. You guys gonna put up with this shit?
ALIEN:Blarg.
TUCKER:H-I know dude, that's what I'm saying. Took the blarg right out of my mouth.
CABOOSE:Tucker? They're going to eat me!
TUCKER:Caboose shut the fuck up, they're not gonna eat you. They're just gonna persecute you and kill you, stop being such a baby.
CABOOSE:Look, the Reds, they're back. And they have your worshippy guy.
TUCKER:What? Sarge...
SARGE:Hey Blue, we're back. Got Simmons too. Where's the water can? Oh also you got any more spare jeeps around here? I don't wanna get into it, but we've identified a tactical weakness in the hood of the current models. Oh uh, what're you guys doing? Killin' Caboose? That's cool.
CABOOSE:There he is! He is the one who took Church! Get him.
ALIEN:Rawr? Rawrar.
SARGE:Ruh-roh.
Cut to Grif and Simmons with Church
GRIF:How's Floaty McGee?
SIMMONS:Eh you know, same old. Still not working.
GRIF:Is he dead?
SIMMONS:How the fuck would I know? And even if he was, would it make a difference with this guy?
GRIF:Meh, prob'ly not.
SIMMONS:Now we've got sand all in his ports. How'm I supposed to fix him in an environment like this?
GRIF:Sounds like you have sand in your ports.
SIMMONS:Why did we even come here, it's a fucking desert.
GRIF:I don't know. This is where we were before we came to get you. And where else can we go anyway? There's bad guys at our base and Sarge never wants us to get far from the Blues. I don't know if you've noticed this Simmons, but he's a little obsessed. He still wants to get 'em back in the database so we can kill 'em. How's that goin' by the way? Any progress?
SIMMONS:Progress?
GRIF:It's your project.
SIMMONS:I was held captive.
GRIF:Whatever dude. If Sarge takes that as an excuse for not getting work done let me know. I'll get captured all the time.
SARGE:Nope. They're right around this corner up here. Grif and Simmons, right up here, where we're walking.
GRIF:Uh oh, here he comes. You're about to get busted.
SARGE:And you'll see when we get around this corner up here, we don't have any kind of floating device. No balls or spheres or anything.
SIMMONS:Who's he talking to?
SARGE:You'll see, big group of aliens. We don't have anything like that at all.
GRIF:What? Uh oh.
Church turns on
CHURCH:Whah? Where am I?
GRIF:Sshhh, dude shut up. Be quiet.
CHURCH:No, what-
GRIF:Shut your hole.
CHURCH:What's happening, how did I get here?
GRIF:Oh shit! Ub-uh duh-
CHURCH:Don't do it you fucker-
Grif punts Church like a fucking football. And that will mean something different to our British readers
CHURCH:-rrrrrrrrrrr!
SIMMONS:What're you doing?
GRIF:Shut up man, be cool.
SIMMONS:Be cool?
Sarge arrives with the aliens, who are making blarg and honk sounds
SIMMONS:Whoa! I mean, what's the four-one-one, daddy-o's? Me and my homey were just, hangin' all up in here. Deserts-ville. 'S'all good. You know what I'm sayin', scrillas?
GRIF:What the fuck are you doing?
SIMMONS:You told me to be cool.
GRIF:Right. So what the fuck are you doing?
SARGE:As you can see, we don't have your stupid rolley baloney. It's just this yellow guy, and- M.C. Fonzerella over here.
SIMMONS:Whatevs, y'all. You don't know me.
TUCKER:Nahaha, gotcha! See, I knew they would have it.
CABOOSE:Uh, I don't see him- oh my God he's invisible.
TUCKER:Alright Reds, what did you do with-
Check it out, the Reds are fleeing
SARGE:Book it, quadrouple-time!
TUCKER:It. Dammit! I should have seen that coming. Well Caboose, I guess we're on our-
Caboose is fleeing too. Wait, when did he get smart?
TUCKER:Own. Dammit.
CABOOSE:Remain!
The aliens turn to Tucker, accusingly
TUCKER:Alright, I'll just go get up on top of the pillar.
Grif approaches Church in the sand, behind some flashing, buzzing, warning lights
GRIF:Uh oh.
SARGE:Grif, what're you stopping for ah nuts.
SIMMONS:What, there he is.
CABOOSE:Oh no, he landed in the middle of the- uh-of of the there. The, the over there.
SIMMONS:So, let's get him.
GRIF:Yeah, tell you what Simmons, why don't you go get him?
SARGE:We'll secure the area here while you retrieve.
SIMMONS:Hh, okay I don't have time for this.
Simmons runs into the minefield and sets one off
SIMMONS:Ow! You knew, didn't you.
CABOOSE:Yeah, kinda.


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 6: Towing Package

Fade in to Red Base
WASHINGTON:Alright Doc, I wanna ask you a few questions.
DOC:Where'd the red guys go? Did they get away?
WASHINGTON:Quiet. I'm asking you the questions, you're not asking me.
DOC:What kinda questions?
WASHINGTON:Hey I just said no questions.
DOC:Can I ask questions later?
WASHINGTON:Doc!
DOC:What? Oh that's a question, sorry. Go ahead.
WASHINGTON:You know what, get him out of there, I can't talk to him like this.
The Meta approaches and tries to get him loose
DOC:What're you- stop it.
WASHINGTON:What? Well, try pulling harder then.
DOC:Be gentle be gentle!
WASHINGTON:Grab lower, near the centre of gravity.
DOC:He's got cold hands.
WASHINGTON:Try the codpiece.
The Meta gives an obvious look and sound of disapproval, in some of the best acting you will ever see
WASHINGTON:Oh, uh- we're all adults here.
META:(something)
WASHINGTON:No I don't wanna try.
DOC:Don't repress your feelings.
The Meta uses the grav lift to leap off the base
WASHINGTON:I can't interrogate him like this, it's ridiculous. I can't believe I have to deal with this. What're we gonna do!?
The Meta grabs the tow hook from the front of the jeep and tosses it up on base, trailing the cable behind it
WASHINGTON:Hmm, that might work.
Let's check in on everyone in the desert, shall we?
SARGE:Heh heh. Seems like all the kicking and blowing up put some life back into the little guy. That's adorable.
GRIF:Why are all his blue parts green?
CABOOSE:I don't know.
DELTA:Caboose, is that you?
CABOOSE:Delta?
DELTA:Caboose, I need you to listen, my time is brief. Epsilon is not in control right now. But he will be again, shortly.
That reminds me: Church is really Epsilon, he just has the voice, behaviours, attitudes and memories of Church. We're calling him Church for convenience here
CABOOSE:Great!
DELTA:Perhaps not. The encounter with Agent Washington has jarred loose many of his memories. Epsilon has not, historically coped with these memories well.
GRIF:What's that mean?
DELTA:We fear he may pursue certain memories in particular.
GRIF:Who is we?
DELTA:Myself and the other memories of the Alpha fragments.
GRIF:What the fuck is that? Who the fuck are you, and what the fuck is happening?
DELTA:Epsilon may not yet be aware of our presence, but eventually he will be. We cannot hide forever. It is likely at this point he will begin the cycle again. That must not happen.
CABOOSE:What cycle. Hhh! A motorcycle? A secret motorcycle it's okay you can tell me.
DELTA:He's begun to search his memories now, he is clearly looking for something.
CABOOSE:Well you always did say memory is the key.
DELTA:Memory is the key, Caboose, but not everything that is locked is meant to be unlocked. He is coming back now. I must leave before he discovers me.
CABOOSE:But if he meets you in there then you can be friends. But not best friends. But, you know 'cause that job's, taken? But, you know, maybe acquaintences?
DELTA:If only, I, were the memory, that he's looking for.
Delta shuts down, the blue parts return to blue, and Epsilon who we're calling Church for convenience raises back into the air
CHURCH:What? Uh, oh. Hey. I must've uh, must've passed out. Sorry 'bout that.
CABOOSE:Church, you're back!
CHURCH:Yeah, I am. Hey Caboose, come over here wouldjya I, need to talk to you about something.
CABOOSE:Okay, where are we going?
Off they go
SIMMONS:Hey guys, do you ever notice Blue team has, like a lot more stuff going on than us?
SARGE:Yeah. Boring stuff.
GRIF:Nerdy stuff.
SIMMONS:Yeah but I mean, all we ever talk about is food and guns.
GRIF:That reminds me, I'm hungry.
SARGE:Stop complaining or I'll shoot ya in the head.
SIMMONS:Hhh... good times.
Hey check it out, the aliens are still harassing Tucker in the background
TUCKER:Stay away, don't touch me.
CHURCH:Hey, uh Caboose, you were the one who moved me from the Epsilon unit to this new body, right?
CABOOSE:Oh yeah. I am really good at ergonomics.
CHURCH:D'uh, do you mean, electronics?
CABOOSE:Yeah, probably.
CHURCH:Okay good. Then I need you to come with me. I just remembered something. Something that could help me.
CABOOSE:Sure!
CHURCH:You don't wanna know the details?
CABOOSE:Nope.
CHURCH:Could be dangerous.
CABOOSE:Yeaaah I have armor. It's blue.
CHURCH:Alright, well, let's go then. I actually thought it would take longer to convince you. Come on. I wanna get to the facility before nightfall.
CABOOSE:Uh, you wanna bring the Epsilon unit?
CHURCH:Is it necessary to... do your thing?
CABOOSE:Don't think so.
CHURCH:Then who cares. Leave it. Where we're going, we won't need it.
In the meantime, Wash and the Meta have hooked the jeep's tow hook up to Doc's crotch at a great distance
DOC:Um, are you sure this is a good idea!? Uouhouh.
WASHINGTON:Alright, give it a crank.
The cable straightens
WASHINGTON:More power, come on, give it some gas.
Gas is applied
WASHINGTON:Almost there, just a little more...
The part of the wall that Doc is in falls forward, landing Doc straight on his face
DOC:Ow!
WASHINGTON:Well. That's just great.


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 7: And Don't Call Me Shirley

Fade in to Wash and the Meta looking at Doc and the piece of wall he's stuck in, upright in the field
WASHINGTON:Come on, can't you get him out of there? He's just stuck in a few rocks.
META:(something)
WASHINGTON:Why can't anything ever be easy? Doc, I want you to tell me everything you know about the Reds and Blues.
DOC:You know more than me, I just got here.
WASHINGTON:Hit him.
Meta hits Doc
DOC:Oah!
WASHINGTON:You worked with them before. Do they have any hideouts, anywhere they go when they're in trouble.
DOC:I don't know.
WASHINGTON:Hit him again.
Take 2
DOC:Ow!
WASHINGTON:Did Simmons say where Sarge and Grif were? You can either answer me, or I can have the Meta beat it out of you. Or, I can beat it out of you. I think I've earned it.
DOC:Man, you guys are really awful at the Good Cop/Bad Cop thing. You're like, Bad Cop/Even Worse Cop.
WASHINGTON:Tell you what Meta, let's just shoot him in the chest, see if we can pull the audio logs out of his helmet.
DOC:Uh-ah- he said something about a distress call!
WASHINGTON:Hit him again.
META:(something)
DOC:And sand! H-he mentioned sand!
WASHINGTON:Sand...
Cut to the Reds spying on Church and Caboose from near the end of last week's episode
CHURCH:Alright, well, let's go then. I actually thought it would take longer to convince you. Come on. I wanna get to the facility before nightfall.
SARGE:Facility, eh? I knew the Blues were up to somethin'. Come on men, let's get after those Blues! Sounds like this is the big opportunity we've been waitin' for.
GRIF:You mean our opportunity to find a place to hole up until this all blows over?
SIMMONS:Some place that isn't a desert?
SARGE:No! A place to finally restore the Blues to Command's database. Get yer typing fingers ready Simmons!
SIMMONS:(sigh), okay, I'll bring my carpal tunnel braces.
SARGE:If we're going to follow them we'll need a vehicle.
GRIF:Well I'm sure we can grab another one from the camp down there.
SIMMONS:Why do we need a vehicle, the Blues are walking. I'm sure we can keep up with them on foot.
GRIF:On foot?!
SARGE:Uh, Simmons? We're the Reds. We don't walk anywhere. We travel as the good Lord intended: in the largest possible vehicle with the maximum horsepower allowed by local law enforcement. And if there's no cars available, we find the biggest, nastiest, meanest, land animal we possibly can, beat the crap out of it, and saddle that puppy up.
GRIF:On foot. Shame on you Simmons. Shame on you.
SIMMONS:Sorry.
SARGE:Let's just forget you ever mentioned it.
GRIF:I think this should go on his permanent record.
SIMMONS:Oh just go get the fucking jeep jackass.
Cut to Tucker on the pillar, and the Reds drive off in the background
TUCKER:Hey, where are you guys going!? Wait! Gah, dammit! Hey guys, listen. I know you want your supercool piece of technology back. Those guys just took off. Probably to look for it. If you let me go, I can track it down for you, and bring it back. No? Okay then, forget it. Oh my God look, a next gen smartphone! Can you believe they'd leave that just layin' around?
The aliens turn to look, and Tucker jumps off the pillar and starts his motorbike
TUCKER:Fooled by the old prototype trick. Classic. Well, seeya bitches I'm outta here. What the- out of gas? Hey uh, you guys have any gas?
Weapons cocked...
TUCKER:You know what? Fuck it, I'm just gonna run.
Well, Church and Caboose have arrived somewhere
CHURCH:Alright, I think this is it.
CABOOSE:This? This doesn't look like anything.
CHURCH:Yeah. It's not supposed to, that's kinda the idea. Come on, this way.
CABOOSE:Man. You really need to clean this place up.
CHURCH:Caboose!
CABOOSE:Coming!
CHURCH:Come on. Oh yeah here we go. It's this way.
CABOOSE:My this way or your this way?
CHURCH:There is no- it's the same this way. Okay yeah, this is, it. I think.
CABOOSE:It's a wall. We came all this way for a wall?
CHURCH:Caboose!
CABOOSE:Sorry.
Behind them, on a tree, a screen comes on
CABOOSE:It's a really, great wall.
FILSS:Hello. This is a private facility. Visitors are not welcome. Please leave immediately. Or, we will be forced to take lethal measures, to ensure the safety of our property.
CABOOSE:That is great.
FILSS:You have thirty seconds to comply, or die. Have a nice day!
CABOOSE:Sheila? Is that you?
FILSS:No. I am the Freelancer Integrated Logistics and Security System. You may call me Phyllis. It is a pleasure to meet you. You now have, fifteen, seconds to live.
CHURCH:Whoa. Dying sounds like a bad idea. Maybe we should leave.
FILSS:Oh my, the Director. I am so sorry, I did not recognize you Sir. It has been such a long time since you have visited. You look very different.
CHURCH:Talkin' to me?
FILSS:Yes. You are the Director of Project Freelancer, are you not?
CHURCH:Oh uh, yeah. Of course, that's- totally me. I just haven't been around because I've been, doing, you know... Director stuff. Can't really get into it. Secret project.
FILSS:How may I assist you today?
CHURCH:Can we uh... Can we come in?
FILSS:Certainly.
The wall opens in front of them
FILSS:Please watch your step.
CABOOSE:Kinda spooky in there.
CHURCH:Yeah... Why don't you go first?
CABOOSE:Me?
CHURCH:Well I mean, you're the one with, the gun, and everything.
CABOOSE:Yeah, but the tree seemed to like you best. Uh hey Sheila could you-
FILSS:Are you speaking to me?
CHURCH:We're just kinda used to calling you, by that name? Um, maybe you should just answer him when he calls you that. Probably easier for you to change than it is for him. He's kinda dumb.
FILSS:Alright. I will respond to that name as well. You are the Director after all.
CHURCH:Right. I am.


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 8: Perusing The Archive

Fade in to Church and Caboose wandering some halls
FILSS:Please watch your step. Director, since you have a new visitor with you today, would you like me to run the tutorial program?
CABOOSE:Yes, always run that. No seriously you need to run that. No it's, really you need to, you need to turn that-
CHURCH:Yeah okay shut up dude. Yes, please run the tutorial program.
CABOOSE:Oh thank God.
Chime Sounds, and Phyllis talks
FILSS:Hello, and welcome to the Freelancer Off-site Storage Facility. Project Freelancer is a state of the art scientific endeavour, with one goal in mind: to ensure the security of humanity in a harsh and violent Galaxy. This bunker has been constructed to guarantee the continued operation of our program, in the event of a primary facility loss. This storage area archives all the components of our Freelancer simulation bases. These outposts test our agents in realistic training scenarios.
CABOOSE:Yeah, we're on the Blue Team!
FILSS:I am sorry, I do not recognize that term. Our simulation outposts are categorized into Red, and (entry missing). Hmm, it seems as though I have a corrupted database. I will correct that when I have more time.
CABOOSE:Uheh- there's our old stuff! And there's a teleporter! Man, Tucker hates those.
CHURCH:Don't interrupt. Come on. This way.
FILSS:When the equipment is not being used, it is stored here until it can be repurposed for- oh. I guess we are moving on.
Church and Caboose come to a door at the end of a hallway, all dramatically
CABOOSE:Well what's this?
FILSS:I am sorry, this area is restricted. Only the Director himself may access this entry. I am sure you understand. The nature of our experiments is such that-
CHURCH:Open it.
FILSS:Excuse me Director?
CHURCH:I want you to open it.
FILSS:Are you certain Director? You never bring visitors into this-
CHURCH:I said, open it.
FILSS:Alright. Unlocking.
The door unlocks and opens. Imagine that
FILSS:Would you like me to archive your ...personal project?
CHURCH:No. Let's see everything.
FILSS:If you say so Director.
Cut to the Reds at the outside of the hugely complex, high tech facility... by which I mean they're a the tree and the wall
SARGE:Simmons, what's the status report?
SIMMONS:Gumball McJones and Caboose just went into that door.
GRIF:What door? All I see is a wall.
SIMMONS:It's a secret door?
SARGE:Simmons, what did I tell you about using Dungeons and Dragons references in combat situations?
SIMMONS:(sigh) Sorry Sir. It's a concealed door.
SARGE:That's better.
GRIF:How did they open it?
SIMMONS:They talked to that computer. They got it to open the door by posing as members of Project Freelancer. If we pose as agents, it'll probably let us in too.
GRIF:Aren't agents like tough, and good at things?
SIMMONS:We all just pick a State name and call ourselves by that. You know, like Agent Washington. Grif, name a State.
GRIF:What is this, a pop quiz? Uuh, let's see, uh the Manhattan. No? Uhh, Europe.
SIMMONS:Wow. Really?
GRIF:Pacific Ocean?
SIMMONS:Stop guessing. Just be Agent Alaska. How 'bout you Sarge?
SARGE:I'll be Secret Agent Double Ohio. License to be tall in the middle, and round on both ends.
SIMMONS:And I'll be Agent Denial. Yehehit's, because a state of denial, like the saying? You know, it's like a, I was, you know, the whole State/state thing? You know it's a, joke.
GRIF:No dude, jokes are funny.
SIMMONS:Hhh, let's just go.
Cut to Washington leading the Meta, who's dragging the cement wall with an embedded Doc through the desert
WASHINGTON:The recovery beacon leads here. It's weak, but I can still pick it up. ...Here. Meta, dig.
META:(something)
WASHINGTON:Hey, I'm not gonna argue with you about this. You want a chance at that A.I.? I track, you dig. Otherwise, you can wander the desert by yourself, and see if you find him on your own.
META:(something)
WASHINGTON:Because I found the signal. You dig. We all have to pull our own weight.
The Meta looks back at Doc encased in frozen carbonite
WASHINGTON:Right, and other people's weight too. Just dig.
The Meta starts digging
DOC:Man, some people just can't take orders. Am I right?
WASHINGTON:Shut up, we're not friends.
DOC:Can I at least get a drink of water?
WASHINGTON:Shut up. I already asked you if you were thirsty before we left.
DOC:Yeah we're in the desert! Thirsty should be assumed.
WASHINGTON:You can drink later.
DOC:Yeah, this might be a bad time to tell you that I'm sinking then.
WASHINGTON:...I hate you.
DOC:I know.
The Meta stops digging
DOC:Can we- what're you guys doing over there?
Wash looks down into the Meta's hole and sees a severed head, or else he was buried standing up
WASHINGTON:What the- is that C.T.? That's impossible, what's she doing out here?
DOC:What're you looking at?
META:(something)
WASHINGTON:Don't bother. She didn't get an A.I., remember?
DOC:Down in front!
WASHINGTON:Scavenge her for equipment, see what you can...
The aliens provide an audience for them
WASHINGTON:...find.
DOC:Well, this is just fuckin' great.
Let's see what Church and Caboose are up to, roaming the halls together until they come to a room filled with Church bodies
CABOOSE:Oh my God! Look at all the yous! You're everywhere! Why this is like a Best Friend Store, and this is the greatest store ever! You can have your body back! Now which one do you want? I wanna buy one.
CHURCH:I'm not looking for that.
A person-sized cryo chamber opens in front of Church
CHURCH:I'm looking, for this.
CABOOSE:Oh.


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 9: Backup Plans

Fade in to Wash and the Meta getting ready
WASHINGTON:Alright Meta, get ready.
I could swear I just said that
WASHINGTON:Fire!
Wash tosses a grenade, and the Meta fires one
WASHINGTON:Huh, well that actually seemed to work.
Hey, Doc's free
DOC:...Ow!
WASHINGTON:Doc, how do you feel?
DOC:Uh okay I guess, all things considered- hey does anybody know where we can find a good medic?
WASHINGTON:I don't get paid enough for this.
Wash wanders off, and the Meta slowly follows
DOC:Geeze, tough room.
Cut to the Reds just inside the facility
GRIF:I told you that stupid plan wouldn't work.
SIMMONS:That's because you said your name was Agent Pluto!
SARGE:Heh, luckily we had the old contingency plan to fall back on.
GRIF:Sarge-hhh, shotgun in the face is not a contingency plan. I keep telling you that.
Cut to a face-shotgunned FILSS outside the base on the tree
FILSS:Hhhhhhllo, this is a private facility. Hello, this is a private facility.
Back to the "action"
SARGE:Don't be so quick to judge, Grif. Shotgun in the face can be applied in a variety of tough situations. For instance, watch how quickly it cures insubordination.
CABOOSE:Oh no!
Crash, tinkle
SIMMONS:What was that?
SARGE:It came from down here. Come on.
Cut to one of the aliens drawing something in the sand for Wash
WASHINGTON:I don't like this.
DOC:Look, I talked to them. They're gonna draw us a map and show us where Epsilon went. After that you can let me go.
WASHINGTON:You sure that's what he's doing?
DOC:Well, my Alien to English is a little rusty. I would suggest we get one of those translator balls, but we got enough jerks around here already.
META:(something)
WASHINGTON:I agree. We should just kill most of them, the last one left alive will talk.
DOC:Wash, you just can't kill everybody you meet.
WASHINGTON:Why not?
DOC:Uh... well now you're putting me on the spot, I don't really have an answer for that, just seems like a bad idea though. Karma?
ALIEN:Rarh. Blarggh.
DOC:Hey, he's done drawing the map.
ALIEN:Rr-rarrar, hunrarrar unhunrarrarrar.
DOC:What does it say? What does it say?
Editor's note: it says Humens Suk, with a stick man with the word shisno pointing at it
WASHINGTON:It says peace talks have broken down. Now we do it our way.
Battle! But we cut back to Caboose outside the door while Church is dicking around inside
CHURCH:Just hold still. No don't go-
Crash, tinkle
FILSS:I sense things are not going well.
CABOOSE:Yes please just keep the door shut, thank you that's fine.
FILSS:I am sorry, but if the Director requests the door to be opened, I am required to comply.
CABOOSE:Just keep the door shut.
GRIF:Caboose, is that you?
CHURCH:Stop! Don't move, don't move, don't-
Crash, tinkle
CHURCH:Hrhhh.
CABOOSE:Oh! Oh hello everyone!
CHURCH:Stop!
CABOOSE:Yes. Everyone who wasn't here before is now here now. Hello.
SARGE:What're you up to, Blue.
CABOOSE:Me? Oh nothing. I'm not hiding anything behind this door.
CHURCH:Uh, I wouldn't pick that up it looks expensive-
Crash, tinkle
SIMMONS:Euh, I think he's lying.
GRIF:What was your first clue?
SARGE:Let us see what's in there.
CABOOSE:In here? Oh. Nothing is in here. Um, well this probably isn't even a door, either. It's, probably-
The door shakes with a bang
SARGE:What the heck was that?
CABOOSE:Oh that was me. Uh, I said this isn't a door, I said it's a gong.
GRIF:A gong, what the hell is a-
Another bang dents the door outwards
CABOOSE:A gong.
Part of the lock gets pushed out from the inside
CABOOSE:I'm just going to walk over this way, now, excuse me. Yes, thank you. Pardon me, coming through.
Caboose walks right past the Reds and continues walking through the base as the door continues to thump
CABOOSE:Yes excuse me, yes pardon me. Excuse me, yes thank you. Pardon me, coming through. Yes excuse me, yes pardon me.
Now that he's gone... the door continues being bent out from behind and shaking
GRIF:Um, Sarge, what's the plan here?
SARGE:Men, we have a perfect ambush scenario.
SIMMONS:I agree. Unless wait, are we the ambushers or, the ambushees. Hey, can you ambush something that's trying to beat its way through metal plating to get to you?
SARGE:Okay, first, we just wait for the door to open-
The door is slowly crumbled, and then shoots off the hinges over top of them
GRIF:Door's open.
SARGE:What the- hh?
TEX:Okay. So who's first?


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 10: This One Goes To Eleven

The whole episode is one giant fight scene. Just go with it
FILSS:Alarm, security breech, level Alpha. All personnel report for duty. This is not a drill.
Fade in to the Reds running from Tex, and Caboose in a control room overlooking it
SIMMONS:Run!
GRIF:Oh crap! Where is she?
SIMMONS:I don't wanna die!
CABOOSE:Sheila, we have to help them.
FILSS:Help who?
CABOOSE:The Reds! Tex is attacking them, we have to stop her.
FILSS:Stop Agent Texas? Oh no, absolutely not. We should never interfere with an ongoing battlefield simulation test. Our job is to observe and document.
CABOOSE:But she'll kill them.
FILSS:Oh, that would be wonderful! What a successful test.
SARGE:We need to keep moving, men. Come on, double-time. Hell I'd settle for single-time.
SIMMONS:Maybe we should just fight. I'm afraid she's gonna start picking us off one by-
Tex punches through the wall Simmons is standing next to and slams his face into it
SIMMONS:-one!
And the battle begins
SIMMONS:Oh man, forget this. I need to get a bigger weapon. Caboose, help us!
CABOOSE:How? The computer won't let me. She's mean! This place is filled with mean ladies.
SIMMONS:Push some buttons, I don't know!
CABOOSE:Buttons!? Oh man, I love buttons! Beep bup bup boop beep bup boop.
A crate of large weapons tips over and drops them next to Simmons
SIMMONS:Wow. That actually worked perfectly. Thanks!
CABOOSE:Great! How the heck did I do that?
GRIF:Ow!
TUCKER:Hey Simmons, what the hell is going on in there?
SIMMONS:You gotta help us! Do you know how to use that thing?
TUCKER:My sword? Fuck yeah I know how to use it. What's to understand about swish-swish-stab? It's a fuckin' sword dude, it's not a fighter jet.
SIMMONS:Just come and help me.
Tex kicks Sarge's and Grif's ass a little
GRIF:Wait wait wait-
Tex hits Grif really, really hard in the dick, then kicks him across the room, where a teleporter falls on him and he pops out another one
GRIF:O-ho o-ho.
TUCKER:Hey Sweet Cheeks! Remember me? Step away from the idiot!
SIMMONS:Oh God, please don't let her see me.
A huge crate falls between Tex and Tucker
CABOOSE:Yes! I saved Tucker! Oh wait... I saved Tucker.
TUCKER:Caboose, what're you doing? You're messing up my plan with Simmons. I was supposed to distract her for him.
SIMMONS:You ratted me out, you son of a bitch!
Simmons fires a rocket at Tex, who tosses a teleporter at it, making it come out another teleporter, launching Simmons into the first one, so he comes out the second one to be tossed by Tex into Tucker
SIMMONS:Oh shit! Oh shit!
TUCKER:That was awesom- ow!
CABOOSE:Um, can we use turrets on her or, some explodey firey thing?
FILSS:That would be outside the bounds of my standard safety protocols. I cannot do that.
GRIF:What do we do Sarge?
SARGE:I don't know, I've never hit a girl in my life.
SIMMONS:Yeah, I noticed. Try harder!
GRIF:Hah!
The fight is rejoined, with Simmons eventually knocking Grif into Tex's foot, dick first
GRIF:Ha-how!
SIMMONS:Oh no, Grif!
GRIF:Yipe!
Tex tries to shoot Grif in the face with a shotgun, but it's out of ammo
SARGE:Private Grif, you should be ashamed of yourself. We've run out of ammo again! That's your responsibility!
GRIF:Huh. I guess this is the first time my laziness has ever saved my-
Tex steps on Grif's chest
GRIF:-life! Protect me cone!
Grif holds a construction cone over his face, and Tex hits him in the dick with the shotgun, knocking him quite a distance into Simmons
SIMMONS:Watch it!
GRIF:You watch it.
SARGE:You idiots, let me show you how it's done.
Tex punches Sarge in the face and knocks him back to Simmons and Grif
GRIF:Nice demonstration Sarge.
SARGE:Ah shut up.
SIMMONS:Hey guys, look up there.
Tucker finally gets up, and sees a giant crate looming over himself and Tex
TUCKER:Uhh, what? Hey Caboose! Remember when I said not to help me? Forget that, I need you to help me. Right now!
CABOOSE:What holds up that crate?
FILSS:Mechanical controls are on the left side of the console.
The crate drops, Tucker dives out of the way, Tex catches the crate
TUCKER:I can't believe that worked! ...Aw fuck, that didn't work!
FILSS:I knew that would not work. Agent Tex is a bit of a badass.
Tex throws the crate at the Reds and Tucker
GRIF:We gotta get outta here!
SIMMONS:We'll be crushed!
TUCKER:Don't worry guys, I got this. SWISH!
Tucker splits the crate with his sword, and the two halves go to either side of the Reds, covering them in medpacks
GRIF:Ow! We're crushed.
TUCKER:Aw fuckberries. Tex, can you- oh!
Tex kicks Tucker in the chest
TUCKER:Alright, you know what, that's it. Come here.
SIMMONS:Oh thank God, thought I was a goner. Sarge, where are you?
Sarge pops up out of a pile of medpacks
SARGE:Rrr, what happened? I feel defeated, yet inexplicably rejuvinated.
Tucker and Tex "fight"
TUCKER:Swish-fuck! Swoosh-fah! Ah, stab- God dammit! Gah! Oh come on. O-aow, bullshit!
Tex kicks Tucker through the teleporter
GRIF:Whoa, did you see that?
SIMMONS:How would I have missed that?
Tucker emerges from a teleporter into Tex's grip, Tex grabs the sword, and the sword goes out
TUCKER:What's the matter Tex, you having trouble keeping it up? Don't worry, it happens to everybody. Well, not me but...
SARGE:That rocket launcher's one of the older models, right?
TUCKER:Ow! Ow! Ahow!
SIMMONS:Yeah.
SARGE:That means it's got heat seeking.
TUCKER:I didn't know that was there!
SARGE:Now lock on and let her rip!
SIMMONS:Oh right, I forgot about that.
TUCKER:Ow, holy crap, you just don't know how to use it-
Tucker flies through a teleporter, emerging completely black again
TUCKER:-bitch! Dammit I hate this black stuff, what the hell is it?
GRIF:There she is!
TUCKER:Huh?
SARGE:Get her!
SIMMONS:Wait, guys...
Sarge and Grif start beating on Tucker
TUCKER:Ow, come on! I'm not Tex I'm a Blue. I'm not the one you're fighting. Leave me the fuck alone!
GRIF:She kicks hard.
Sarge gets Tucker in a headlock and punches the top of his head a bunch
TUCKER:Why are you hitting me, I'm not Tex.
SIMMONS:Sarge, hold on, hold on!
SARGE:Hm?
SIMMONS:I think that's Tucker, not Tex.
TUCKER:See I told you! Ow-
Another punch
TUCKER:-ow you fucker! Why'd you do that?
SARGE:Meh, force o' habit.
TUCKER:Man you guys are n-ah-
Tucker, staggering backwards, trips over a medpack and into Grif, and they end up leaning against each other on either end of a teleporter on the ground
GRIF:Hey, watch it- whoa-
TUCKER:Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa-
GRIF:Don't fall in the-
Tex looks at it from the adjoining teleporter
GRIF:Hold still hold stil, I can see her. She's right over there by the other-
Tex puts her head through the teleporter and emerges beneath Tucker and Grif
GRIF:Uh oh.
TUCKER:Grif, I see her.
Tex punches Grif in the dick, and he falls into the teleporter, leaving Tucker off-balance
GRIF:What is your problem with my balls?
TUCKER:Whoa, who-whoa, hawhoa! Aw crap.
Tucker falls through the teleporter and backs into Tex, who suplexes him and goes for the mount and starts punching him
TUCKER:O-ho, wow, right into the mount, huh? O-hoa, not even gonna buy dinner? Come on, I like your style.
SARGE:Simmons, what're you waiting for?
SIMMONS:They look the same, which one do I shoot?
TUCKER:Ahow, shoot the one who's winning dumbass!
GRIF:Ow.
Grif, cradling his balls, staggers into the line of fire
SIMMONS:Grif! Watch it!
GRIF:Uh-huh-huh.
Tex knocks Tucker into Grif, then punches him into the ground so hard the black stuff flies off his armor as he slides back to the Reds
TUCKER:Ahoww, ow.
SARGE:Wow, knocked the black right off ya.
TUCKER:That's racist.
SARGE:You're all clear Simmons, now shoot her!
SIMMONS:Fire in the hole!
Simmons fires at Tex, who does some teleporter acrobatics and gets the missile chasing her back toward the Reds
TUCKER:Are you fucking kidding me? Run!
After they all bump into each other, Tex knocks down Tucker, Sarge and Simmons with a single punch, and slides between Grif's legs
GRIF:Oh God, not my ba-
The missile goes through his legs
GRIF:Oh thank God. I thought I was-
Tex hops into the floor teleporter and the missile detonates just behind the teleporter
GRIF:FUCK!
The explosion sends everyone flying, except Tex who looks like a badass. Sarge, Simmons and Tucker land, and Tex carefully positions a cement barricade so that Grif lands on it with his dick, denting it
GRIF:Ooaaah! Why won't you just kill me?
CHURCH:Hey Tex!
The round floating thing Church has been living in since the middle of last season bounces off Tex's head and we see Church in a human body again
CHURCH:How 'bout you pick on somebody your own size?


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 11: Restraining Orders

Fade in to Tex beating Church with his old round body
CHURCH:Ow. Ow! Ooow! Stop it! Tex, you are embarrassing me. Ow! Stop! Ah! Hey, are you gonna sit a -ah- you gonna help me or not? Stop it.
SARGE:Naw buddy I think you got everything under control. We'll just hang back here.
CHURCH:Won't it stop!
GRIF:Yeah, you've got some catching up to do.
CHURCH:The whole- stop.
SARGE:Hey, what's she beating him with?
SIMMONS:I think that was his old body.
SARGE:You mean he ain't a floatin' cue ball any more?
CHURCH:Aw-
SARGE:That's too bad. Had a few more nicknames in my side pocket. We'll certainly miss you Lord Hackensack of the Roundalots.
GRIF:Beating him with his own body? That doesn't seem physically possible.
CABOOSE:Uh-hu- we have to do something.
FILSS:I am sorry, as I said, I cannot operate outside the bounds of my standard safety protocols.
CABOOSE:What if I said... pretty please.
FILSS:Private Caboose, is there a reason why you don't want to use one of the standard safety protocols? In this scenario, I would strongly recommend locking down the armor of any rogue unit.
CABOOSE:Wait you can do that?
FILSS:Of course. Armor lock is a standard safety feature since the Freelancer break in.
CABOOSE:Well why didn't you tell us that?
FILSS:Why would I need to tell the Director that? He wrote the protocol himself.
CABOOSE:Oh, right. Yes of course he did. Um Sheila, could you do the armor lunchable thing that you said?
FILSS:Certainly.
Ding dong
FILSS:Now initiating standard safety protocol. Armor lockdown in progress. All units, stand by for lockdown.
Tex becomes immobilized
CHURCH:What- what's happening? Caboose what did you do to her?
CABOOSE:Yes! Yes! I did it! I am the biggest hero ever! I beat up the girl!
SARGE:Hah hah, yes! See, that's how you do it Grif; face your enemy man to man. Or in your case, woefully inadequate man to woman. And then when she's distracted, use superior technology to take her out. *sniff* Reminds me of prom night.
GRIF:We didn't do anything, she shut down.
CABOOSE:I am the best!
SIMMONS:Uh, hey guys? What do you think that voice meant by "all units"?
The Reds become immobilized
SARGE:Hrr, h-gr I can't move.
CABOOSE:I did it, I- not my fault! Not my fault! I did not do this! The computer made suggestions! And the default option was yes!
GRIF:Well this is just great.
CHURCH:What's happening? Caboose! Make it stop! Make it-
Church becomes immobilized
CHURCH:st-ow! Rrruh!
CABOOSE:Uh, Sheila, is, is my armor gonna lockdown too?
FILSS:No Caboose, your helmet does not have that particular protocol installed in it. I had assumed, that was the reason why you were wearing that-
CABOOSE:Yes. That is totally the reason.
Cut to the desert, where Wash is overlooking a bunch of dead aliens. Racist
WASHINGTON:Well, so much for the "leave one of them alive" strategy. Doc, where are you?
DOC:Here!
WASHINGTON:Still alive. I thought maybe you'd been killed in the battle.
DOC:No, don't worry, I'm still alive.
WASHINGTON:I didn't say I was worried. Get down here, see if any of these things are still breathing.
DOC:Me?
WASHINGTON:You're a medic, get- medical.
DOC:I'm a human medic. I don't even understand Alien physiology.
WASHINGTON:I want you to see if they're alive, I-I don't want you to check their cholesterol levels, just get down here.
DOC:Jeeze, fine. What's with the anger?
META:(something)
WASHINGTON:Meta, you search the camp. See if you can find anything useful for us. Any clues where Epsilon went.
META:(something)
WASHINGTON:Don't start with me. I've already reached my tolerance level for management issues.
DOC:He's getting fussy.
WASHINGTON:Tell me about it.
The Meta walks between two closely-spaced cliff faces that essentially form a cave
DOC:Maybe we should take a break.
WASHINGTON:Excuse me? A break?
DOC:Yeah, like a three day leave! Everyone go off, recharge their mental batteries, come back refreshed, and like, ready to tackle our challenges.
WASHINGTON:H-you want a vacation.
DOC:I call it a Soul Sabbatical.
WASHINGTON:What are we, mailmen? This is a military mission. We don't get a vacation. We don't take sick days, we don't get paid overtime.
DOC:What, Freelancers don't get overtime?
WASHINGTON:That's right, we have a job to do and we're expected to stick wit- wait. Why, wh- do you?
DOC:Get overtime? Yheah. Time and a half over forty hours, time and a half and a half after sixty.
WASHINGTON:...really?
DOC:You guys don't get that? That's crazy, you work so hard.
WASHINGTON:Tell me about it.
DOC:You guys should strike.
WASHINGTON:We're not unionizing. Stop instigating.
DOC:... Tell me they at least match your 401K.
WASHINGTON:Shut up.
META:(something)
DOC:What was that?
WASHINGTON:Quiet. What did you find, Meta?
A grenade has its pin pulled and is thrown at the cave entrance, where Wash has moved to
WASHINGTON:Hey! Watch it. Meta, come out here, now.
META:(something)
WASHINGTON:Doc, get in there and see what he found.
DOC:Which Doc, there's a, is there another Doc here? I know you're not talking to me. Hyeah, you know, probably better if you go in? Historically, I don't really have the best success rate going in caves. They tend not to work out for me. Before your time, but trust me. I-uhy- you don't want any part o' that.


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 12: Snooze Button

Fade in to Church, fuzzily
CHURCH:What happened? Where am I?
FILSS:Safety protocols were initiated. Please remain calm.
CHURCH:Sheila is that you?
FILSS:Yes.
CHURCH:What is this place?
FILSS:Your operator has been injured, or incapacitated, and you are now in recovery mode. You will remain in this state, until such time as you can be extracted by a Recovery Agent, or your operator regains consciousness.
CHURCH:Wait- you didn't send a recovery beacon, did you? Because that would be really-
FILSS:Recovery beacons only arm once a unit leaves the facility. This unit has yet to leave the facility. Therefore, we must first en-
CHURCH:Yeah, yeah, I got it. Is that Tex?
FILSS:Affirmative. Technically she is not present in this environment, but if you would like to speak to her, I can relay communication through external channels.
CHURCH:Yes, please.
FILSS:I am sorry but, she has refused the connection. She should not be able to do that.
CHURCH:Yeah, that's not surprising. Can you force it through?
FILSS:I can try, but I would not recommend that action.
CHURCH:Because it might damage her?
FILSS:No, I have just learned that when a woman wants to be alone, it is best to leave her alone.
CHURCH:Myeah, good call. Hey get me outta this but uh, leave her in here until I figure out what to do with her.
FILSS:Suit yourself.
Tex turns toward him
CHURCH:Uh... she didn't hear that did she?
FILSS:Unclear.
CHURCH:I thought you weren't relaying my messages.
FILSS:Recovery Mode, disabled.
CHURCH:You women always stick together. Man I hope she didn't hear that.
Cut to Doc and Wash staring into the cave where the Meta is angry
WASHINGTON:Are you going in or not?
DOC:Oh do I have a choice? Then not, let me go with that one.
WASHINGTON:Meta, get out here.
META:*something*
DOC:Yeah I'm definitely gonna stick with 'not', that seemed like the best one of those two choices that you gave me.
WASHINGTON:Get in there.
DOC:Tell you what: put me back in the wall, I like the wall. It was cozy and it protected me. I miss my wall.
WASHINGTON:You, are utterly useless. I know we brought you along for a reason but for the life of me I can't remember what it is.
DOC:The important thing is we're becoming friends. They say the bonds of men in combat are as strong as brotherhood.
WASHINGTON:Meta, get out here! Please!
META:*something*
DOC:Boy he sounds tense. Maybe you should give him a backrub. That wouldn't be weird, right? One Freelancer giving another a backrub?
WASHINGTON:Aren't you trained in stress management or something, calm him down.
DOC:That only works if the person wants to be calm. I don't think he qualifies.
WASHINGTON:Listen, Meta. Whatever you found, we can deal with it, I promise. Just come out here and show me what it is.
The Meta tosses the Epsilon unit out from the cave over their heads
WASHINGTON:Whoa!
DOC:Daen- funky buttlovin'!
WASHINGTON:Oh. You found... that.
Cut back to Church, with a now unfrozen Tucker
TUCKER:Ho-ho God, that sucked! What was all that glowing shit?
CHURCH:Sheila put us in lockdown to save us.
TUCKER:She knocked us out to help us? That makes sense.
CHURCH:Hey, at least we're not getting our asses kicked okay? That's an improvement.
TUCKER:Yeah, that's a good point. Can't argue with results.
Church and Tucker walk over to the Reds, still frozen
CHURCH:Sheila, can they uh, can they hear me?
FILSS:Affirmative.
CABOOSE:She said yes.
TUCKER:We heard her dipshit.
CABOOSE:I know. I just want to use the microphone. It makes me sound super loud. I'm not sure you can tell.
We hear Caboose normal when looking at him, and loud when looking at everyone else
TUCKER:Hey, where'd you get the new body?
CHURCH:Long story dude, I'll tell you later.
TUCKER:Eh, I know I asked but I don't really give a shit Church.
CABOOSE:Attention Freelancer shoppers. We have special submachine guns in aisle seven.
CHURCH:Sheila, please mute him.
FILSS:Affirmative.
CABOOSE:This is Michael J. Caboose sign- Aw man!
Now he sounds normal because the mic's been turned off, and we cut to the Reds in their fuzzy state
SIMMONS:Sarge, where are we?
SARGE:Men, I have bad news for all of us. We're dead. Which in the case of Grif is good news for me. But still, bad news overall.
SIMMONS:Dead? I can't be dead. I still have so much to do!
GRIF:Uh, like what?
SIMMONS:Like... everything that doesn't involve a computer. Man, it's been a real one track life for me.
GRIF:So this is the afterlife, huh? Not bad. It's kind of grainy. Overall I can't complain.
SARGE:This is just the stage before we move on. Like Purgatory.
SIMMONS:Ooh, or like the last episode of LOST.
SARGE:Hey I haven't seen that yet! No spoilers.
SIMMONS:That show was on hundreds of years ago!
SARGE:Lah, dah, dadah. Don't say anything else!
SIMMONS:Gimme a break.
GRIF:Well, I'm going to sleep. See you losers in fourteen hours.
SARGE:Grif! No napping.
GRIF:Sorry Sarge but you always said I could sleep when I was dead. Hey and guess what, I am dead. So this Purgatory is about to become purga-snory. Yawn.
SARGE:Grif-
CHURCH:Hey Reds, can you hear me?
SARGE:Who in Sam Heck is that?
SIMMONS:Is that God?
GRIF:Hey Almighty, can it, some of us are trying to get a little shut-eye.
SARGE:No blasphemy.
SIMMONS:What do you want God? Take Grif, he's been terrible. I mean great.
TUCKER:It's not God dudes, it's Church. He just thinks he's God.
Back to all of them in the real world
TUCKER:This is just what you need- more people worshipping you.
CHURCH:Yah, hey listen. We wanna let you out, but we don't want you to attack us, or attack Tex. Okay?
The Reds speak as they would if their mouths were stuck closed
SIMMONS:Attack Tex, she attacked us!
GRIF:Fuck you guys.
SARGE:I would never hit a girl.
CHURCH:Just agree and we'll let you out.
SIMMONS:Hgh, fine.
GRIF:Whatever.
SARGE:Fuh, fucking yudedyerhrmenburburg!
CHURCH:I'm gonna assume that last one was a yes. Alright let 'em out Sheila!
FILSS:Affirmative. Ending Recovery Mode, Red units.
SARGE:Ah, my neck was killing me.


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 13: Battle of the Exes

Fade in to the Meta, Doc and Wash in no particular order standing over the Epsilon unit
META:*something*
WASHINGTON:Don't get excited, it's empty.
DOC:What is it?
WASHINGTON:This is the Epsilon unit.
DOC:This is what you've been looking for?
WASHINGTON:Yes.
DOC:Not what I was expecting. I mean I like the colour, but other than that, nihh...
WASHINGTON:Clearly they transferred Epsilon into that floating thing we saw.
DOC:You saw a floating thing?
WASHINGTON:Yes, like a metal eye. It shot a laser at us.
DOC:Yeah, okay. Hey Wash, this sun is really hot, maybe we should find you some shade.
WASHINGTON:I'm not hallucinating, Meta saw it too.
META:*something*
WASHINGTON:Oh yes you did! Don't even try that.
DOC:Wash, do you see the floating eyeball now? Is he here with us?
WASHINGTON:Don't psychoanalyze me.
DOC:I'd like to talk to the laser eye for a minute Wash.
WASHINGTON:Shut up. Meta, let's convert this to a recovery unit. But be careful, this thing looks like it's in bad shape.
META:*something*
The Meta walks over to the Epsilon unit and starts doing stuff to it
DOC:What's he doing?
WASHINGTON:This is a storage unit, but we're trained to modify them. We can change a storage unit into a capture unit. That way, the next time we see Epsilon, he won't get away.
DOC:Are you talking about the regular Epsilon, or the Epsilon who's just a floating head and visits you when you're alone.
WASHINGTON:I'm not crazy. And it was just the eye that was floating around, not a whole head.
DOC:Yes Wash, because the whole head is what makes it crazy.
Cut to the Reds and Blues standing over Tex's body on the floor
CHURCH:I'm waking her up.
SARGE:No way buddy. You must have missed the smashfest we just went through. I ain't repeating that.
CHURCH:Hey, we made a deal: I unlock you, you have to help me with her.
GRIF:Hey, now hold on a second.
SIMMONS:This affects the entire group. I say we put it to a vote. All those in favor of waking her up and letting her kill us, say Aye.
CHURCH:Aye. Caboose?
CABOOSE:Present.
CHURCH:No, we're not doing that. Just say aye.
CABOOSE:You. Oops I mean me!
CHURCH:No; Aye.
CABOOSE:Church.
CHURCH:Just say Aye.
CABOOSE:Oh, I get it, right, sorry. My left eye or my right eye?
CHURCH:He votes yes.
CABOOSE:I would also like it noted I was present.
SARGE:Okay. And everyone in favor of not doing that thing and leaving her asleep and not getting killed by the person we're not going to wake up because nobody is that stupid, say Nay.
SIMMONS:That was like a, quadruple negative.
SARGE:Just vote.
SIMMONS:Nay?
GRIF:I didn't even understand the question, so I'm just gonna say Blueberry.
CHURCH:Fuck it, veto, she comes out. So Sheila, is there any way to turn her, only you know, partway back on?
FILSS:No, I am sorry. I can either leave her in lock, or take her out of lock. There is no in between.
TUCKER:So she's either completely asleep, or full-on bitch. Sounds like my ex-wife.
CABOOSE:You were married?
TUCKER:Haw-ha- gross, I hope not.
CHURCH:Well, we have to do something.
GRIF:Why do people always say that; we have to do something? We don't have to do anything. Let's just let sleeping maniacs lie.
CHURCH:Here, let me try this.
Church leaves his body to become Ghost Church again, and enters Tex (bow chicka bow wow). Cut to her lockdown environment, where Church is oddly still blue
CHURCH:Tex? Tex, hello? Can you hear me?
TEX:Of course I can hear you. What do you want?
CHURCH:What do you mean 'what do I want?' The guys just wanna make sure you're not gonna, you know, beat the living shit out of them if we wake you up.
TEX:Aww, what're they gonna do, cry?
CHURCH:What's wrong with you? And why did you go nuts when we woke you up?
TEX:Last time I was in a place like this, I was trying to get out as fast as I could.
CHURCH:Yeah, I remember.
TEX:They just got in my way. It's not my fault they can't fight.
CHURCH:Okay so is that, 'I won't beat the living shit out of them any more?'
TEX:We'll see.
CHURCH:I guess that'll have to do.
TEX:But, I am, gonna deck that one with the sword for making that stupid ex-wife crack.
CHURCH:Alright, that seems fair. So, we're, cool?
TEX:Well, I'm cool.
CHURCH:Nice to have you back Tex. Always a pleasure.
TEX:Hey, I didn't ask to come back. Apparently somebody decided they couldn't live without me.
CHURCH:I thought you would be happy, you know, being alive is typically better than being dead.
TEX:Yeah. Everybody always seems to know what's best for Tex.
CHURCH:So this is it, you're just going to be abrasive right outta the gate? Not even a thank-you?
TEX:Oh I see, we're gonna make this about you for a change. How refreshing.
CHURCH:Alright. I'm gonna go now. Nice talking to ya.
TEX:Hyeah, see ya.
Church returns to the real world
TUCKER:What did she say?
CHURCH:Okay, I think we got it all worked out.
GRIF:She cool?
CHURCH:As cool as she ever was.
GRIF:That does not inspire confidence in me.
CHURCH:Wake her up Sheila.
FILSS:Affirmative.
SIMMONS:Back up back up.
FILSS:Ending Recovery mode, all units.
Tex gets up
TEX:Uh!
CHURCH:Uh, how're you feeling?
Tex runs over and punches Tucker in the front of his face
TUCKER:Ow!
TEX:Better now.
TUCKER:What the fuck?
CHURCH:Oh riiight. I forgot to mention one thing.


RvB: Revelation
Manliest Show On The Internet

Fade in to some workers repairing the giant hole in the wall from Chapter 3
WORKER:You know you're not s'posed to be breaking stuff!
WELDER:Yeah, and you'll lose your security deposit.
SARGE:Ah, shut up and just get to fixin'!
SIMMONS:Oh, hello. Pardon our dust, we're getting ready for the next episode of the popular webseries Red vs. Blue. As you know, I'm Private Dick Simmons from Red Team.
SARGE:And I'm Sarge, from the same show.
SIMMONS:We're not just getting sets ready, we're also working on ourselves. This season we have a lot of big changes. Everything and everyone is getting in shape.
GRIF:Huuhhuah- When can I stop doing pushups?
SARGE:When you actually do one!
GRIF:Hhuh!
SIMMONS:All this preparation might seem like it's because of the fancy new moves we have this season, but that's not it at all.
WELDER:Some of it is!
SARGE:Shut up you!
GRIF:Uuwah- One! Okay, I'm done!
SARGE:Grif! I told you girly pushups don't count.
GRIF:Too late!
SIMMONS:Another reason why we're getting in shape, is because we recently read that, according to the company that tracks online webseries, Red vs. Blue has the most male audience of any online show. So, that means-
SARGE:Red vs. Blue is the single manliest show in the entire Internet.
SIMMONS:At first we couldn't believe it, but then we did a little research in our community, and sure enough, it's all super-macho dudes. Like Dirt410.
SARGE:You can tell he's a manly man because he's protecting his pussy. He's also wearing a headband and clobbering a ninja assassin, ski-mask, guy who hates orphanages. Or something.
SIMMONS:We also found Outlander21, who's got a pretty serious beard going on.
SARGE:Only a manly man who looks this much like the Unabomber could invent the lightbulb.
SIMMONS:And of course noone can forget Dadgbe doing his Freddy Mercury impression.
SARGE:Noone can forget, although they'd certainly like to.
SIMMONS:And here we have Alsasco, in a drunken rage.
SARGE:He got that pumped up by lifting invisible dumbbells! Way to go, Sasco.
SIMMONS:We also encountered the user blawndee, with a pretty kickin' goatee.
SARGE:Whatever cult he's in, I wanna join it! And drink the koolaid. Or yoohoo. Whatever they may have.
SIMMONS:We have the most puzzling username of them all. Whatsername.
SARGE:The buildup of testosterone in his system, not only caused that amazing moustache to sprout on his face, it also caused him to grow a fully lit cigarette! Now that's manly!
SIMMONS:I bet those tattoos really hurt Milbea88 when he got them.
SARGE:And this guy. Gustavo from, Austin Texas. Yeeikes!
SIMMONS:How did that get in there? I mean, that guy who watches this show looks pretty manly. I bet he has a great personality too.
SARGE:I don't know. He looks a little scrawny to me.
SIMMONS:Naw, he's just wiry. You know, he's got a high dexterity.
TUCKER:This is the worst idea for a PSA ever.
DONUT:Well I just wanna say, I'm totally cool with it.
TUCKER:Donut, shut up you're supposed to be dead.
SARGE:The point is, when you're watching Red vs. Blue, be proud! You're doing the most popular thing that men can do when they're alone at their computers.
SIMMONS:Well maybe the second most popular.
SARGE:Thanks for watchin', studs.


RvB: Revelation
PSA: Game On

Fade in to Grif and Simmons
GRIF:Hi. I'm Private Dexter Grif from the popular webseries Red vs. Blue.
SIMMONS:And I'm Private Simmons from the same show. Many of you are probably thinking to yourself "Man, I love Red vs. Blue, and I love purchasing Red vs Blue DVDs for myself and several of my friends."
GRIF:But then what're you supposed to do? I mean how do you get more Red vs. Blue in your life?
SIMMONS:Besides the T-shirts.
GRIF:Right.
SIMMONS:And the action figures.
GRIF:Exactly. Where else can you go to get an authentic Red vs. Blue experience?
SIMMONS:Did you know that the popular webseries Red vs. Blue is based on the multiplayer world of the XBox game Halo? Shocking, I know. Not many people have heard of it.
GRIF:What's even more shocking, is that there's an entire industry based around these "video games."
SIMMONS:Confused? Well you should be. Learning about new things can be scary, but we here at Red vs. Blue are ready to help you out.
GRIF:Today, we present our consumer guide to the video game industry.
RvB's consumer guide to videogames - Step 1: Picking a Game (accompanied by horn music)
GRIF:Step 1 is picking a video game. Luckily there's lots of sites out there that rate video games for you.
SIMMONS:Most reviewers offer a numerical scale from one to ten where ten is the highest, and one is the lowest. But what do the scores mean?
GRIF:Scores one through six are completely irrelevant, because no game ever gets them. So, that means a game that gets a seven, is terrible.
SIMMONS:So seven is the new zero.
GRIF:Eight is also a terrible game, but a terrible game that probably advertised on the review site.
SIMMONS:Still very legal.
GRIF:Nine-point-one is a lousy game as well. Nine-point-two through nine-point-four are good. Nine-point-five is great; there's nothing above nine-point-five, except for ten, which is a perfect game. And nine-point-nine, which is also a perfect game, but the reviewer doesn't like the developer because maybe he said something mean to him at a party or something.
SIMMONS:But even if the game gets a great review, is it the right game for your household?
RvB's consumer guide to videogames - Step 2: Content Ratings (accompanied by horn music)
GRIF:Luckily, each game is rated for content, and broken down into several categories. First up is E, which is a game meant for anyone.
SIMMONS:Next is T for Teen. This may contain content more suitable for teenagers. These games are typically the least fun.
GRIF:Then we have M, which means Mature. This includes dismemberment by chainsaw; shotgun decapitations; decapimemberments; severed limbs jammed into assholes or other holes; liquifiations of a mammal; gouging of eyes then shooting bloody eyesockets with salted bullets; The Mangler; deskinning; despining; respining with non-standard vertebrae, e.g. pork rinds; chewing swallowing and digesting of immortal souls; that thing where you tear a guy in half lengthwise, and all his guts come out; and, forced reverse urination.
RvB's consumer guide to videogames - Step 3: Buying a Game (accompanied by horn music)
SIMMONS:Can we stop that fucking horn already?
GRIF:Games take a long time to make, so it's hard to tell when they're coming out. But, even if the game has no release date, you can still buy it. This is called "pre-ordering."
SIMMONS:Pre-ordering is where you pay for something today, and get something a lot like what you think you paid for, at some unspecified point in the future. And if you don't pre-order you might not be able to get the thing you want, because other people did pre-order. You're basically paying to make sure nothing bad happens to you on Launch Day.
GRIF:You may know this process by its original name: extortion. You can also attend a midnight launch, which is your way of telling the world "Not only do I have nowhere better to be on a Monday night, but Tuesday morning is pretty much outta the picture too."
SIMMONS:You might think that just because you made it home with the game, your buying experience is over.
GRIF:Au contraire.
SIMMONS:You still have dozens of purchases that you can make, thanks to the addition of DLC. You can buy extra characters and weapons, and all sorts of addons that make the game great. You know, we like DLC so much, we're finding ways to add it in to the RvB DVDs. Just think how much better scenes would be with these additional characters.
Cut to the first scene of Episode 1
SIMMONS:Hey.
GRIF:Yeah?
SIMMONS:You ever wonder why we're here?
The camera reveals a cartoon gunslinger and a kitten on the base
GRIF:It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it. Why ar-
SIMMONS:Hey, shut up Grif. It's new Donut, and new Sarge.
NEW SARGE:What're you two yappin' about?
Back to real life
SIMMONS:Awesome.
GRIF:So remember kids, buying video games may seem like a scary experience, but just remember this handy guide, and you'll be happy, safe, and ready to play when the time comes.
SIMMONS:Join us next time, for part 2 of our series: sequels.
GRIF:Parts 3 and 4 are about that too.


RvB: Revelation
Deja View

Fade in to the Reds outside Red Base
SARGE:Men, I've got a big announcement from Command.
GRIF:Aw great. I'm sure this is gonna work out well for us. Let me guess Sarge, they discovered a revolutionary new way for us to scrub toilets.
SARGE:Nope. We're goin' home.
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:What?
SARGE:Just got the message from Command. We all get to go home.
GRIF:Are you sure Sarge? Because if you're lying to me, that would be a really cruel trick. I mean even for you. And you're kind of a dick. Sir.
SARGE:Got our orders right here. They read, "Congratulations, stop. You are all going home, stop. Transports en route stop. Thank you for your service stop. This message will now stop stop."
SIMMONS:Did they send the message via telegram?
GRIF:Who cares Simmons we're going home! The war is over!
SIMMONS:It is?
GRIF:Yes, didn't you hear the message?
SIMMONS:Yeah, I did, did you? Because it didn't say anything ab-
GRIF:There's the first transport shotgun!
A one person transport lands and Grif runs up to it
GRIF:Are you here to take us home?
PILOT:Huh? Yeah, whatever. Hop on.
GRIF:I'm so excited!
PILOT:I don't care.
SIMMONS:*sigh* Grif, I guess this is it. We'll never see each other again.
GRIF:I know, isn't it great?
The transport takes off and flies Grif over Valhalla, and as they pass over the Blues they all fire at Grif, and Grif fires back
CABOOSE:Goodbye, yellow guy! We hate you!
GRIF:Goodbye guys, I hate you too!
CABOOSE:Aw, he's just saying that to be nice.
Grif lands a grenade between the Blues and it detonates, and we cut to the transport landing
GRIF:Thanks for the lift, Soldier.
PILOT:Get away from the cockpit, jackass.
GRIF:No problem bud. Why'd we stop here? What is this, some kind of waystation?
PILOT:Yeah something like that. Bitch.
The transport takes off and reveals Simmons and a base from behind it
GRIF:So, where do I catch the transport home? Hey, come back!
SIMMONS:Grif, you made it!
GRIF:Simmons, what are you doing here?
SIMMONS:This is our new base.
GRIF:New base, I thought we were going home.
Sarge emerges from the base
SARGE:That's right Grif, look! We're home!
GRIF:What?
SIMMONS:Look, we got back our old canyon.
Hey yeah, they're in Blood Gulch. Cool
SARGE:Isn't it perfect!?
SIMMONS:What do you think Grif? Grif?
GRIF:Uh- Uhu- Uuh... Uuh.
SARGE:Look he's speechless.
GRIF:Uuhuh huh huh.
SIMMONS:Now he's crying with joy.
SARGE:Okay, well that's just taking it a bit far. That kind of emotions are unbecoming of a soldier. I can handle emotion, but I won't stand the unbridledness.
Grif rears back and punches the ground, and shocks Simmons and Sarge
GRIF:What was that?
SIMMONS:That was your Armor Lock. We got more than just a new base, we got new armor and equipment too.
SARGE:I even discovered a new way to greet people.
Sarge moves behind Grif, spins him around and knifes him in the chest
GRIF:Aah, aah, my back.
SARGE:Hello! And welcome to our new home. Dirtbag.
SIMMONS:Come on, let me give you a tour.
SARGE:Heh heh. Grif must feel at home. He's already lying down on the job.
Cut to Simmons giving Grif a tour
SIMMONS:See, we got all new vehicles.
GRIF:Dibs on the rocket one!
SIMMONS:And the cliff is back.
GRIF:Woh, too high.
SIMMONS:And here's the tele-porter!
Simmons backs through the teleporter as he says the word teleporter
GRIF:That'll save time on my commute.
SIMMONS:And look, there's the caves.
GRIF:Spooky, yet very faithful.
SIMMONS:And here's that little nook. I don't really know what that's for.
GRIF:You can put stuff in it.
SIMMONS:Check it out, there's the tree where we carved our initials.
GRIF:I don't think that was me, dude.
SIMMONS:And look, grass.
GRIF:Everything seems greener than I remember.
SIMMONS:I think I might have left the sprinklers on when we left.
GRIF:That was like three years ago dude.
SIMMONS:Yeah Sarge is gonna be pissed when he sees the water bill. And there's the caves.
GRIF:You said caves twice.
SIMMONS:Yeah, I really like the caves. The point is, it's all here. And just wait until you see what's outside the canyon.
GRIF:Outside the canyon?
A sniper shot goes between them
SIMMONS:Uh oh.
GRIF:Yikes!
SIMMONS:Oh yeah, the Blues are here too.
Grif and Simmons run for cover, and we cut to Caboose and Church standing on Blue Base. Guess which one has the sniper rifle and is still firing
CABOOSE:You missed him.
CHURCH:I know.
CABOOSE:Hit a rock that time.
CHURCH:I know.
GRIF:Should I use my Armor Lock thing?
SIMMONS:No, check this out-
Simmons creates a hologram of himself and it runs forward
SIMMONS:Look what I got. It's a hologram. Pretty cool, huh?
Church hits the hologram in the head with two shots, and it fizzles
CHURCH:I got him! Oh, dammit. Man I hate that thing.
GRIF:Wow, that's pretty cool.
SIMMONS:Yeah, and the best part is, now I have someone to talk to.
HOLO-SIMMONS:We have all the same interests. For instance, I love obscure comic books, and number theory.
SIMMONS:Oh-ho man, those things are the best!
GRIF:Suddenly it's not as cool as it was ten seconds ago.
SIMMONS:And another great thing is that the Holo-Simmons is available whenever I need him. The only problem is the manual says if I play with him too much I can go blind. I don't think that's true though.
HOLO-SIMMONS:Yeaheah- wait, I thought you were the Holo-Simmons.
SIMMONS:Nho, I'm the real one.
HOLO-SIMMONS:You are? But I have so many memories! My first kiss, graduation, my wife and kids! It has to be real! It has to bee! What does my life meeeean?
Holo-Simmons fades out
SIMMONS:Yeah, forgot to mention, they become self-aware after a few minutes.
GRIF:That was kinda creepy.
SIMMONS:Yeah, we should let Bungie know about that.
GRIF:Sounds like he had a better fake life than your real one.
SIMMONS:Don't wanna talk about it.
Cut to Sarge flying out through the middle of the Blue Base with their flag, and the Blues shooting at him
SARGE:Hah, seeya suckers!
CHURCH:Get him, he went that way! He's got our flag!
SIMMONS:And look, Sarge got a jetpack!
CABOOSE:I'll get him!
Caboose enters a one-man ship and pursues Sarge
SARGE:Hah hah, Red Team!
GRIF:Where's he goin'?
SIMMONS:Maybe he's taking the long way back to Base.
Sarge alights on a high cliff
GRIF:Hey Simmons, when you said "outside the canyon" before, what exactly did you mean?
SIMMONS:This place is a little... bigger now.
GRIF:Big? How big?
SIMMONS:Oh don't worry Grif, you'll see. You'll see.
SARGE:Now that's what I call a view! Where the heck did I park? This place is huge. Know I'm not in the Traxis lot.
EAGLE:*Screech*
SARGE:Get outta here, stupid eagle. Find your own enormous map.
EAGLE:*Screeeech*
SARGE:I understand, I'm very high up, you don't need to beat me over the head with it.


The Strangerhood
Episode 1: Why Are You Here?

Sam and Wade are lying in bed, and Wade is humming. Sam stands up, turns around, and jumps when he sees Wade
SAM:Wah, whoo! What the ay!
WADE:(getting out of bed) Hey man, you shouldn't yell so loud... People are sleepin' and stuff.
SAM:What? What're you doing in my bed? Who are you?
WADE:That's a good question man: who are we. That's somethin' we all have to answer at some point.
SAM:Wait a minute, this isn't my apartment. How did I get here?
WADE:Don't know, not my house man. Must've been a great party though, right?
SAM:You wake up in a strange bed, w- with a strange man, and your first guess is... party?
WADE:Strange people in a strange bed, sounds like a party to me man.
SAM:Well ah ah ah I gotta get outta here, s- so, good luck.
WADE:Cool. What's your name, dude?
SAM:Huh? Oh it's... I don't know!
Cut to outside a white house, then inside as Griggs enters the kitchen, and gets breakfast out of the fridge. Cut to him eating cereal
GRIGGS:Wait a second. This isn't my house. ...Oh well. (continues eating)
Cut to the top view of a house, then inside to pan over to Dr. Chalmers sitting on a couch
DR. CHALMERS:(thinking) I'm goin' crazy sitting here all day. And why am I here in the first place. Huh. I know this isn't my couch. This couch is perfectly ridiculous.
Cut to a mailbox and a trashcan next to the sidewalk. Dutchmiller starts walking by
DUTCHMILLER:Hmm, mailbox. (points to the mailbox and continues walking) Fantastic, hey trashcan.
Cut to Catherine talking in to a mirror
CATHERINE:I don't know who you are, but you are so pretty. And it is such a pleasure to meet other good looking people just like you.
Cut to Dutchmiller walking through a bedroom
DUTCHMILLER:Hmm, bedroom (points at the bed), nice.
Cut to Dr. Chalmers watching Iron Chef on a plasma screen T.V. on the wall
DR. CHALMERS:(thinking) And look at this! I'm way too intelligent to own one of these contraptions. Heh, fools, cookin' away.
Cut to a bathroom. Dutchmiller walks in and points at ...something
DUTCHMILLER:Bathroom!
Cut to Dr. Chalmers standing in front of a telephone attached to the wall
DR. CHALMERS:(thinking) And I know this is not mine. Why would I want some mechanized proxy jabberin' at me? Who would I wanna talk to anyway? I mean really.
Cut to Dutchmiller stepping off some stairs in to a living room
DUTCHMILLER:There's the living room (points toward the room he's in, and continues walking to the dining room), and dining room (points at the dining room table), fantastic.
Cut to Tovar facing away from the kitchen, where the stove is actually on fire
TOVAR:(thick European accent) What did Yai forget besides name, hemmm. Yahai, is garbage day!
Cut to Nikki in the middle of what looks like a retirement home
TOVAR:No.
NIKKI:Hellooo. Is anybody here? What's going on here. Who am I, and why am I talking to myself.
Cut to Dutchmiller somewhere else in the house
DUTCHMILLER:Hmm... I have no idea where I am. Ahuah.
Cut to Dr. Chalmers playing chess against nobody, and making a move
DR. CHALMERS:(thinking) That's checkmate, on myself. I really need someone to talk to.
Fade out. Fade in to Wade standing on a deck, where he's promptly joined by Sam from inside
SAM:Okay, I think I solved one mystery.
WADE:Cool.
SAM:My name is Sam.
WADE:Awesome, how do you know...
SAM:Well, a- apparently I'm the type of person who likes to write his own name in his underwear.
WADE:I seem to remember, someone calling me... ...Durnt.
SAM:Your name tag says, "my name is Wade."
WADE:That's a name brand dude. My name, is definitely, Durnt.
SAM:Durnt?
WADE:Durnt.
SAM:Durrnt.
WADE:Durrrrnt.
SAM:Durnt?
WADE:Nuuhhhh. It's got more syllables, man. Dur-ur-ur-urnt.
Dr. Chalmers walks nearby
DR. CHALMERS:Hmmm. Maybe they know somethin'.
SAM:Durnt?
WADE:You're not sayin' it right, man.
SAM:Durnt.
WADE:Durnt.
Dr. Chalmers approaches
DR. CHALMERS:Hello young males. Are you parents at home?
SAM:Parents? I'm, I'm twenty-six.
DR. CHALMERS:May I remind you that people have parents regardless of their age. I myself have two.
WADE:Hey, me too man.
SAM:Can we help you?
DR. CHALMERS:I have a dilly of a pickle on my hands. I don't really know how to explain it.
SAM:Let us guess, you don't know where you are, or how you got here.
DR. CHALMERS:Are you mocking me? I find that most offensive.
SAM:In fact you can't even remember your own name.
DR. CHALMERS:That's exactly right.
WADE:...Have you checked your underwear dude?
DR. CHALMERS:Excuse me son? I don't engage in that kind of depraved talk.
SAM:We've been trying to figure out what's goin' on, and... in fact we, we just figured out our names.
WADE:His name is Sam.
SAM:And this is Wade.
WADE:Durnt, dude.
DR. CHALMERS:Your name is Durndude?
WADE:No, Durnt, ...dude.
DR. CHALMERS:... ...I need to speak to someone who can speak, please.
SAM:Look, we don't really know much either, we're just trying to figure out-
DR. CHALMERS:You people are no help to me. I mean really. Good, day.
Dr. Chalmers walks off in a huff
SAM:Wait! Shouldn't we stick together?
DR. CHALMERS:Why? You people don't know a thing!
SAM:You don't know anything either.
DR. CHALMERS:But I'm stuck with me, now aren't I. I mean really, hungh.


The Strangerhood
Episode 2: The One With The Premise

Zoom in on Sam and Wade through a window
SAM:Well Wade, I suppose that means we're back to Square One. What now?
WADE:...Let's bake something.
A bell rings
WADE:Cool! I got it right, man.
SAM:I think that was the doorbell, Wade. Who could this be?
WADE:Even the doorbell knows how smart I am. Cool house man.
Sam opens the door to reveal Dr. Chalmers
DR. CHALMERS:Oh, you again.
SAM:What do you mean me again? What're you doing back here?
DR. CHALMERS:(walking in past Sam) Don't quibble with me, huh. I have a note, huh. Really, huh.
GRIGGS:(at the door) Hmm.
SAM:What th-
Griggs enters, followed by Nikki and Tovar
SAM:Who're all these people?
DR. CHALMERS:They, have notes too. Huh.
Catherine enters. Cut to them all standing in the living room
SAM:Hey, can someone tell me what the heck is going on here?
DR. CHALMERS:Hey now, watch your language. Let's not get ridiculous.
NIKKI:We all found these notes, telling us to come here.
SAM:From who?
DR. CHALMERS:From whom. I told you, watch your language.
DUTCHMILLER:(entering) Hey party people, sorry I'm late, who's our mystery host, hum?
CATHERINE:Nice suit, nice hair, I think I could make use of this one.
NIKKI:Did you say something?
CATHERINE:No. Of course not. Damn my incredibly loud internal monologue.
NIKKI:What?
Camera swoosh over to Griggs and Tovar
GRIGGS:What's your challenge, Charlie.
TOVAR:Yai am bein from nother country.
GRIGGS:Yeah, probably some foreign country, like Maine.
TOVAR:Also yai burn down house! And burn off moustachio!
Camera swoosh over to Wade and Sam
WADE:After your last party, I didn't think you'd throw another one. But I'm glad you did.
SAM:Me? Why would I invite these people? I don't know them.
WADE:I guess it was me. I'm forgettin' lots of stuff Frank.
SAM:Sam, Wade.
WADE:Durnt, dude.
Television comes on all by itself, to a strange green and purple screen with a red line in the middle
NIKKI:What?
T.V. flickers between screen and static
NIKKI:I think the T.V. just came on. By itself.
DUTCHMILLER:Hey, must be TVo. Fantastic.
T.V.:Attention! Do not attempt to alter your viewscreen device! We control the vertical and the horizontal.
WADE:Whoa! I call diagonal!
DUTCHMILLER:This TVo sure is busted.
DR. CHALMERS:Oh, good gravy.
T.V.:Silence, organic creature!
GRIGGS:Who're you callin' organic? I'll fight you, ya hippy.
NIKKI:If this is God, I don't think I believe in you. I'm apathetic.
SAM:Don't you mean agnostic?
NIKKI:Uhhgh, whatever.
T.V.:You are being kept here at our discretion. We control everything about how you live.
TOVAR:Yai, that why yai be burning down yai house.
T.V.:No, that was all you moron.
CATHERINE:Who are you, and what are we doing here?
DR. CHALMERS:And why can't we remember anything?
T.V.:Silence, assorted stereotypes! All your questions will be answered in due time.
DUTCHMILLER:Come on, seriously?
T.V.:No! Not seriously! ...We're very secretive.
GRIGGS:I knew it! It's a conspiracy. I suspect the government.
WADE:Me too man!
GRIGGS:Aw, can it ya moron.
T.V.:Some of our choices you will not understand, for instance food and water are now forbidden.
SAM:But water and food is what makes us go!
T.V.:Oh right, what I meant was, cookies and Tang are forbidden.
WADE:What? No cookies and Tang? We'll be dead in three days.
LAUGH TRACK:(laughter)
CATHERINE:What, the hell, was that.
NIKKI:I was kind of hard to hear, over your internal monologue.
LAUGH TRACK:Whoooooooh.
CATHERINE:Nosy Twit.
DUTCHMILLER:Whoa, catfight.
LAUGH TRACK:Whoooooooh.
TOVAR:Ladies, let's settle with spinning bottle game.
LAUGH TRACK:(laughter)
SAM:Now what's happening?
T.V.:You will notice many changes. Some of them will be pleasurable.
WADE:Dude, someone put peanut butter in my pants.
LAUGH TRACK:(light, low laughter)
T.V.:Some, will not.
WADE:Wait. It's just peanuts.
LAUGH TRACK:(fuller laughter)
T.V.:Know this: You will never expect what to expect.
NIKKI:How predictable.
LAUGH TRACK:(chuckling)
SAM:What're you saying?
T.V.:When this transmission has ended, one of you will be dead.
LAUGH TRACK:(gasp)
DUTCHMILLER:Dead?
DR. CHALMERS:Dead?
TOVAR:Dead?
SAM:Dead?
DUTCHMILLER:Did he say dead?
TOVAR:Yai!
DUTCHMILLER:If this is TVo, I have to say - not such a fan.
LAUGH TRACK:(laughter)
T.V.:Stay tuned for future broadcasts. Transmission, over.
T.V. turns off, screen goes to black. Two light thumps are heard, followed by a heavier one
WADE:Oh man! I hope that wasn't me that just died.
LAUGH TRACK:(healthy laughter, followed by hearty applause)


The Strangerhood
Episode 3: We Have A Floater

Fade in on Sam looking in the fish tank
SAM:It's dead, one of the fish is dead.
GRIGGS:That fish'll be avenged.
LAUGH TRACK:(light laughter)
SAM:What did the fish do to them?
NIKKI:Yeah, and the sound of the body? Really scared me... not!
LAUGH TRACK:(light laughter)
SAM:Oh yeah, how is Wade?
Camera pulls back to reveal Wade lying on the floor behind the couch
WADE:Oohhwww, maannn.
LAUGH TRACK:(laughter)
DUTCHMILLER:Hey Wadester, how 'bout some joe? I made a cup. Want some?
CATHERINE:He seems, dazed and out of it.
DR. CHALMERS:Back to normal then.
LAUGH TRACK:(laughter)
WADE:(under breath) Grai, don.
SAM:I've never heard of someone passing out at the sight of a dead fish.
WADE:I'm very sensitive man. Think globally!
LAUGH TRACK:(extended laughter)
GRIGGS:Geeze, I'm going mad. I wish that stupid audience would go away.
LAUGH TRACK:(extended boos)
GRIGGS:Ah shut up ya morons!
WADE:Oh, mister fish, (continues under the conversation) we hardly got a chance to know you man... er... easy really.
CATHERINE:There's something I need to discuss with you.
DUTCHMILLER:Huh, we're having a meeting? Love it. I'll bring a flipchart!
CATHERINE:You're not very bright.
WADE:He lived how he died, man, in water.
Tovar enters
TOVAR:Scuzai, tiara. Yai, everyone, good news!
LAUGH TRACK:(cheers)
TOVAR:Yai found a drink!
SAM:Tovar, you were s'posed to get-
LAUGH TRACK:(applause as Tovar dances for no really good reason)
TOVAR:Hey, yai yai yai yai yai yai yai!!!
GRIGGS:Hrghrm...
TOVAR:Yai, ya-yai yai yai yai yai yai, yai ya yuh ya yuh, yai all my fans I take with you on yai mouth.
SAM:Tovar, you were supposed to get ice, not drinks.
TOVAR:(slurps from a can of something) Aiy.
LAUGH TRACK:(chuckles)
GRIGGS:What're they laughing for him for? He's got a ridiculous haircut.
DISEMBODIED VOICE:He's very popular!
GRIGGS:Shut up voice, you're worse than that stupid audience.
LAUGH TRACK:Ohw...
SAM:I, suppose we could get a new fish.
DISEMBODIED VOICE:Excellent.
Sound of a car screeching to a stop, then a knocking on the door
DISEMBODIED VOICE:Fish delivery!
Sound of a doorbell, followed by a car door slamming, and the car peeling rubber outta there as if there was an alien there or something
SAM:That was fast.
Black screen with text: "later"
Fade back in on Tovar, Sam and Dr. Chalmers standing around the fishtank
SAM:It looks like our new fish really likes his place.
DR. CHALMERS:All this nonsense over a fish. They don't even appreciate it.
SAM:What do you want them to do, say thanks?
DR. CHALMERS:They should be helpin' out. Contributing to the group.
SAM:They're pets!
DR. CHALMERS:Exactimundo. We shouldn't be pamperin' them. We need to assess their worth.
SAM:Fish.
DR. CHALMERS:We should be testing the limits of their physical capabilities. Just in case we need to rely on them.
SAM:I don't think Spike and Sheila have physical capabilities.
DR. CHALMERS:Spike and Sheila, who?
SAM:Our new fish.
TOVAR:Yai, Saman. You give name to fish?
SAM:Of course.
TOVAR:No, no no no no no no no. Is insult to name fish.
SAM:It's insulting to name a fish?
TOVAR:Is insult to God, is insult to person, and is insult to fish. Hm. Heh.
DR. CHALMERS:I'm sorry Tovar, but I have to agree with Sam. A fish needs a name.
SAM:Thank you.
DR. CHALMERS:How else you gonna indicate which one you wanna eat.
SAM:What?
DR. CHALMERS:Hyou can't just say "I wanna eat, Anonymous." Hi mean really, Huh.
SAM:I'm not plannin' on eating any of them!
DR. CHALMERS:I don't mean today, I mean once the day comes when we start to starve to death.
TOVAR:Starving is like diet, with pain.
SAM:I won't ever eat them, th- they're goldfish!
DR. CHALMERS:You say that now, but wait until dimentia sets in. Then you'll be singin' a different tune. The let's fire up anonymous tune.
SAM:We are not eating Spike and Sheila, e- ever!
TOVAR:Please, no fish name. Is insult to me.
NIKKI:(in the kitchen) I'm gonna go make dinner, does anyone want anything?
SAM:Hey no fish.
DR. CHALMERS:He can't watch you forever, Anonymous.


The Strangerhood
Episode 4: Sublimination Round

Cut in to the omnipotent voice on a computer monitor
COMPUTER VOICE:After studying your culture for several minutes we have determined you drive best when forced to compete with one another for fabulous prizes.
CATHERINE:Did someone say prizes? I'm in!
COMPUTER VOICE:According to our research in the ideal competition, you will all live together secluded in a house.
WADE:Check!
COMPUTER VOICE:On a deserted island.
WADE:Checkkk... I think...
COMPUTER VOICE:Where you must lose weight!
WADE:Check...
COMPUTER VOICE:While eating disgusting items and participating in outrageous stunts.
WADE:Check check.
COMPUTER VOICE:In an attempt to prove your worth to an egotistical billionaire.
WADE:Double check!
COMPUTER VOICE:All, while fulfilling your dream of finding true love.
WADE:Toootally check man.
CATHERINE:(looking at Dutchmiller) Check and mate!
COMPUTER VOICE:Due to budget constraints, we have developed a slightly less ambitious, but equally challenging competition.
DR. CHALMERS:How about a nice game of chess? I'll spot somebody a horsey guy.
COMPUTER VOICE:You will be divided in to teams. The first to cook and eat an entire plate of grilled cheese sandwiches will be the victor!
SAM:That's not a contest, that's just stupid.
TOVAR:Yai, das too hard, is impossible please...
WADE:Can't we just order pizza?
COMPUTER VOICE:Team number one, Sam.
SAM:Fine. I just hope I don't get stuck with Tovar.
COMPUTER VOICE:Tovar.
SAM:Dammit! Okay, not Wade.
COMPUTER VOICE:And Wade.
SAM:Son of a-!
COMPUTER VOICE:Team number two will be all the other ones whose names I don't know yet.
Screen shows Catherine with subtitle "Gold Digger", Dr. Chalmers with subtitle "Curmudgeon", and Dutchmiller with subtitle "Weirdo"
DR. CHALMERS:Now that's just insulting.
COMPUTER VOICE:The losers will be banished from Kitchen Stadium forever. Battle on.
The two teams separate
DR. CHALMERS:Huh. I'm offended. I found that most offensive.
DUTCHMILLER:Hey, refridgerator, fantastic.
SAM:Okay guys, let's get started. I'll grab the cheese.
WADE:I'll cut the cheese.
TOVAR:I grab sand! And the wedges!
Cut to the other team
DUTCHMILLER:You know what, there's no I in "Team," but there is a me if you rearrange the letters. So let's pursue a me-first dura-
DR. CHALMERS:Why don't we just cook the dern sandwiches.
CATHERINE:By the way, I'm going to have to skip the eating part of the competition. Too many carbs.
Cut to a bunch of overhead shots of the two teams cooking, cleverly cut together, most of which involve Wade juggling water bottles
SAM:Hey, where's Nikki? And has anybody seen Griggs?
TOVAR:Yai, everyone, look at Tovar! I have a cracklin fire for us all to enjoy.
DR. CHALMERS:Sweet napalm's lovechild!
WADE:Oh, no, dude. Where are my marshmallows when I need 'em?
Cut to Griggs waking up in bed, getting out of bed and moving around. A garden gnome is under his bed
GRIGGS:(thinking) Well it's fricking cold! Oh man, I really gotta remember to take off my camo before I go to bed.
Griggs walks through the kitchen. Another garden gnome is in the oven
GRIGGS:(still thinking) Gonna break out.
Griggs opens the fridge to get food, and a garden gnome is inside at the bottom
GRIGGS:(yet still thinking) Oh, it's good.
Cut to Griggs running a bath
GRIGGS:(thinking... still...) Dah, perfect.
Griggs gets in the bathtub, and a garden gnome is sitting in the tub with him
GRIGGS:(still... thinking... GARGH!) Ah, the right amount of bubbles.
Cut to Griggs at a telescope
GRIGGS:(...) Uh-ghuh, time to spy on those guys next door.
A garden gnome goes back and forth in front of the telescope, then centers itself
GRIGGS:(I'm gonna hurt him if he doesn't actually speak soon) Huh? What the hell?
Cut to Griggs in the bathroom flushing a toilet. He turns to wash his hands, and a garden gnome appears inside the toilet bowl
GRIGGS:(Really, I'll do it) Gotta wash the hands, gotta stay clean.
Cut to Griggs watching TV
GRIGGS:(SPEAK! DO IT!) Yeah blah blah blah click! (changes channel) Yeah boohoo click! (changes channel, garden gnome appears on TV)
GRIGGS:(finally speaking... YES!) Uh, hungh? Not you, why doncha leave me alone...
GNOME:(something unintelligible)
GRIGGS:Wha? I'm not crazy, you are!
GNOME:(something unintelligible)
GRIGGS:No you are!
GNOME:(something unintelligible)
GRIGGS:No you are!
GNOME:(something unintelligible)
GRIGGS:Okay, agree to disagree.
GNOME:(something unintelligible)
GRIGGS:Aw I can't do that, they'll know.
GNOME:(something unintelligible)
GRIGGS:Alright, just this once. Now shut up will ya, I can barely hear myself think.
GNOME:(something unintelligible)
GRIGGS:Whaddaya mean there's not much to hear?
GNOME:(something unintelligible)
GRIGGS:Oh I get it that's funny ha ha ha hey, wait a minute. Stupid leprechaun.
Cut to Sam and company in front of the voice-possessed computer screen
SAM:Well this was a complete disaster.
COMPUTER VOICE:Team number one, how did you do.
SAM:Not so great. We had a little accident during the cooking portion of the event.
Pan over to a burnt and charred Wade and Tovar
TOVAR:Tovar make crunching sound, when moving body, hiyai pain.
WADE:I need lotion, lots of lotion.
SAM:But we did eat all the other team's sandwiches.
COMPUTER VOICE:Team number two, explain.
DR. CHALMERS:I am allergic to cheese. When I eat cheese I get backed up somethin' awful.
CATHERINE:Those sandwiches just weren't on my diet.
DUTCHMILLER:Cheeyeese, woof. How 'bout an alternative. Hmm, I'm thinking soy curds, delish!
COMPUTER VOICE:So both teams have failed the competition. Typical.
WADE:Dude. Next time? We should try something easier? Like Baked Alaska, man.
CATHERINE:And how exactly is that easier?
WADE:If it's baked, I'm all for it man.


The Strangerhood
Episode 5: Things Misremembered

Fade in on Sam walking in to his living room to join Dr. Chalmers
SAM:Don't you ever spend any time at your house?
DR. CHALMERS:I would, but someone needs to clean up that pigsty. It's a mess, huh!
SAM:Aren't you the only one who's ever been there?
DR. CHALMERS:What exactly is your point?
SAM:Listen, I'm actually glad you're here, we need to talk.
DR. CHALMERS:I already told you, this is my sweater-vest.
SAM:No it's not that-
DR. CHALMERS:And it was someone else, ate your delicious, home-made chocolate cake.
SAM:Someone ate my chocolate cake!?
DR. CHALMERS:Now how would I know? And don't ask me about the empty milk jug either.
SAM:I think it's time we all put our heads together and try to figure out why we're here and who that weird voice is.
WEIRD VOICE SPEAKING THROUGH CHALMERS:That sounds like a terrible idea.
SAM:(gasp) Wha-?
DR. CHALMERS:Huh, pardon me, when I drink too much milk my voice gets all congested. Huh, whoohoa, (hack, cough, wheeze)
Wade runs in to the room
WADE:Dude. Other dude. Outrageous news, man!
DR. CHALMERS:Ho no, did Tovar get his head stuck in the dryer again?
WADE:No!
SAM:The vacuum?
WADE:Nooo.
DR. CHALMERS:The garbage disposal?
WADE:No, the toaster oven. But also, there's been a murder man!
SAM AND  DR. CHALMERS:(in stereo) What?
WADE:That's right man - Nikki's dead!
SAM:No not Nikki!
DR. CHALMERS:Which one was she? Was she the one with the tiara?
WADE:Uh nooo, the other one.
DR. CHALMERS:Oh yeah, poor little other one. Uh.
Cut to Wade, Chalmers and Sam running over to Nikki's oversized house to the pool to find Tovar crying
TOVAR:Why is Nikki, why is her, (sniff), and not someone Tovar does not like, (sniff) such as, Old Guy? Or the nerd?
SAM:She's really dead!
TOVAR:Yai!
SAM:I can't believe it!
DR. CHALMERS:I can't believe she's been living here by herself. This place is huge! I got dibs on her appliances.
TOVAR:(sniff)
SAM:Tovar, di- did you see what happened?
WADE:Dude! We both did! We saw everything man!
Cut to a dream sequence
WADE:Tovar and I were swimming in the pool, like totally having a good time man.
TOVAR:Yai, Tovar is having good time!
WADE:And then Nikki walked outside to join us, and she got attacked man-
TOVAR:Yai I'm still having good time!
WADE:By a wild swarm of flesh eating locusts!
SAM:What?
NIKKI:Oh no! Locusts!
Back to present times
WADE:I was like "Wow!"
SAM:Wade, what are you talking about? It doesn't look like her skin was eaten by locusts.
WADE:Oh, right, dude, I forgot. What really happened was this.
Cut to Tovar jumping in to the pool in flashback mode
TOVAR:Yai, Tovar is balls of cannon!
WADE:We were swimming-
TOVAR:Yai, I'm having great time swimming!
WADE:And then Nikki-
TOVAR:Nikki, come in pool, is fun!
WADE:Was murdered by, a bolt of electricity man!
NIKKI:(being blatantly electrocuted) Oh crap, electricity!
TOVAR:Don't come in pool now Nikki.
WADE:It was a giant explosion man, it was like barbecue everywhere man.
SAM:That can't be right either.
WADE:No, wait, I meant she drowned.
DR. CHALMERS:But you said she wasn't even in the pool.
Cut to Nikki drowning in cement
NIKKI:Oh no, cement!
TOVAR:Tovar is remember, thing from space fall on head!
Cut to a thing from space falling on Nikki's head
TOVAR:Like Sputnik.
SAM:Oh come on...
TOVAR:Or maybe she was eat by giant bunny.
Cut to Nikki standing next to a six foot pink bunny which is growling
TOVAR:She tried to run but it could hop...
SAM:Okay, honestly, did either of you actually see what happened here?
WADE:Actually no dude, we were playing that Marco Polo game-
TOVAR:Yai.
WADE:-so like, we both had our eyes closed man.
SAM:Wade, only one person is supposed to keep their eyes closed in Marco Polo.
WADE:Dude, no wonder that game is so hard...
TOVAR:Yai, (sniff), poor Nike, so sad to see her die in tornado.
SAM:There was no tornado.
TOVAR:Plane crash.
SAM:No.
TOVAR:Circus fire?
SAM:No!
TOVAR:Ah yes, (sniff), Godzilla took her life.
WADE:Whyyyyy?
TOVAR:By a breathing minute.
WADE:Whyyyyy?
TOVAR:He totalled the scene.
WADE:Why...
TOVAR:Curse you Godzilla! (sniff) With your green spines, and firey breath, (sniff), Tovar has fiery breath too, but he takes mints now and then!
DR. CHALMERS:The dishwasher is mine!


The Strangerhood
Episode 6: Idol Desperation

Fade in to several panning shots over the town, the last one being Wade taking out the trash... who knew?
NIKKI:Things aren't always what they seem, especially when they seem like what they are. Here, on Strangerhood Lane, the residents were finding out, that it's hard to find things out outside your residence. That's because sometimes the out of place, is in exactly the place it should be.
WADE:That does not make any sense man.
NIKKI:...What?
WADE:You're all like outside inside double-talk man, even I can tell that makes no sense man.
NIKKI:So what, this is my voice-over, I can say whatever I want.
WADE:But didn't you like die and stuff in the last episode?
GRIGGS:Who does he think he's talking to?
GNOME:(something in gnome-speek)
GRIGGS:That's a good point, little short guy.
NIKKI:Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I can't have a voice-over. It's called artistic license you loser!
NEWSPAPER VOICE:Seriously though, he has a point, shouldn't I be the one doing the narration?
WADE:Totally, dude.
NIKKI:Would you shut up, annoying voice? I'm trying to create a mood here.
WADE:Is confused a mood? 'Cause if it is, I'm like really moody!
NEWSPAPER VOICE:Ha ha ha. Good one Wade.
WADE:U-heh heh heh heh, hyeah man, I -don't get it.
NIKKI:Ugh... let's just skip to the montage.
Cut to Sam dialing on the phone, and Dutchmiller picks up in a split-screen kind of thing
DUTCHMILLER:Konnichiwa.
SAM:Hey Dutch, you'll never guess what happened to Nikki. She's dead! And, you know I didn't even get a chance to-
DUTCHMILLER:Oops, I've got call waiting, Catherine you won't believe what I heard about Nikki.
CATHERINE:Ohhh, you don't say.
More people show up in rectangles that Tovar would call squares, in a multi-character montage, just like Nikki predicted
DR. CHALMERS:Of course I know about Nikki. Hah, I'm in the process of taking her refridgerator right now.
WADE:Oh man.
TOVAR:No, this is not Sam, this is Tovar.
TV VOICE:I can't believe she's dead either. She was so spunky, with the hat. I liked the way she noticed me on television.
TOVAR:No I'm talking on cell phone. Here, let me move to different square. How 'bout now, I can hear you.
Wade in the center square gets zoomed in to take up the whole screen
WADE:In the end, Nikki was murdered by, a team of international superninjas with paranormal mind control ray beams man!
SAM:No she wasn't! Wade, is this Wade? Why're you calling me on the phone? We're in the same house!
WADE:Oh, right dude, my bad.
They hang up their respective phones and meet in the kitchen
WADE:Man, I sure do miss Nikki though man. She was like the only one that was ever really nice to me man.
SAM:I'm nice to you... idiot.
WADE:Like, remember that time we had that singing competition?
Wave dissolve begins
SAM:What the- Wade, stop making these stupid wavy lines!
WADE:Don't fight it, man.
SAM:Making me dizzy.
WADE:Don't fight the waviness.
Wave dissolve settles on Strangerhood Idle
WADE:My sandwich, toasted Ding Dong on the top
Like it melted, easier to chop
Three slice nightmare, size of a puck
Try to eat it, it'll get stuck
Your heartrate is tickin', your digestion clickin'
Hey man, it's like finger lickin' chicken
My sandwich, uh!

Uh! Uh!

Whose sandwich is it? No one will say
All too scared man, expired mayonnaise keeps them away
Tovar no have, the gift of the gab
Give him a bite man, his country no have
My sandwich.
JUDGE CHALMERS:Look dawg, you know you're my dawg, right? Hi mean really, you're totally canine! I was feelin' it, it was hot, dawg. Mmm, I felt the hot dog, but yo dawg, not big on the song choice. A little pitchy. Liiittle pitchy, aight?
JUDGE NIKKI:Wade, I just have to tell you that was magical. Everything you do and say is like pure magic to my tone-deaf ears! When I hear you sing, I feel like I'm caught in a hit-n-run.
WADE:Hexcellent.
JUDGE NIKKI:Straight up!
WADE:Hyeah yea yea that's right.
JUDGE SAM:(in an Indian accent for some reason) Look, if I'm being honest, and I'm not trying to be mean here, that was like getting shot in the face with a bazooka.
WADE:Eeh...
JUDGE SAM:Only the bazooka was loaded with the worst vocal performance ever. And the face was actually not my whole face but just my ears.
WADE:(sounds of sobbing)
JUDGE SAM:Also, I hate you and I want your whole family to die, and anyone who disagrees with me is stupid. And you have no talent.
WADE:Ow man.
HOST DUTCHMILLER:(walking on stage) Fantastic, mhmm. So, what did you think of our judges' totally pointless and innaaaaane comments?
WADE:I think people should vote for me because-
HOST DUTCHMILLER:Fantastic, Dutchmillerrr out!
Fade back to Wade and Sam in the kitchen
WADE:I sang my heart out. I still, cannot believe, I lost to, the fat guy. Heuh...
SAM:That never happened! And I don't have an Indian accent!
Dr. Chalmers enters
DR. CHALMERS:What up dawg?
Cut to more panning overhead shots with Nikki's voice-over
NIKKI:Here on Strangerhood Lane, everyone has secrets. Some secrets are so secret, that noone even knows they're secrets. And others are the kind of secrets you know you know, even if you don't know what you know when you need to know!
Catherine walks up to the door of Dutchmiller's house
DUTCHMILLER:Mushi mushi!
CATHERINE:Can I come in? There's something I need to talk to you about. Something very personal, very secretive.
DUTCHMILLER:But of course, I love secrets. You know it's sushi night here in Dutchmiller's House of Tuna. I was just cutting raw fish, and thinking about you.
NIKKI:Even in the most desperate times, desperate measures can seem reasonable, when unreasonable people get desperate for time- what am I talking about?


The Strangerhood
Episode 7: Star-Crossed Suckers

Fade in to Sam looking through the telescope ...yes, there's a telescope
SAM:Huh, that's weird. That's a crazy bunch of stars.
WADE:(Through telescope) Hey man.
SAM:Gah!
WADE:What?
SAM:Wade!
WADE:What happened?
SAM:What the- Don't sneak up on me like that!
WADE:No problem dude. I'll sneak up on you like this!
Wade immediately appears behind Sam
SAM:Hey!
WADE:(chuckle)
SAM:Don't do that either!
WADE:Alright man, alright, no need to- how 'bout this!
Wade immediately appears lying down with one leg between Sam's
SAM:Gwagh! Wade! You're invading my personal space! I don't want you between my legs.
WADE:Okay. No problem dude. So, what we lookin' at?
SAM:The night sky, these star formations just don't seem right.
WADE:Oh, cool man. I'm like totally in to astrology too.
SAM:You mean astronomy. Astrology is just a goofy fake science for tryin' to predict the future.
WADE:I totally knew you were gonna say that man. Also, I think you're gonna lose your job. And also get a promotion. And also I foresee a new relationship!
SAM:Just shut up and take a look at this.
Wade looks through the telemascope
SAM:Okay. What you're looking at now is the Big Dipper, part of the Ursula Major constellation. Looks familiar, right?
WADE:Dip-ariffic man.
SAM:Now turn slightly up and to the right and you'll see a star formation you won't recognize.
Plumbob Constellation
WADE:Considerably less dipariffic man.
SAM:Think that's weird? Now check out the next constellation.
LazerDog Constellation
SAM:And then the next one.
Voyager wuz here
SAM:And then the one before it again and then the one after that.
Mars Missions Go Here!
SAM:Now go back to the first one, and now go two over look at that!
Leo Leo is a Pussy!
WADE:Whoa! Dude, I think, the sky, is broken. Or maybe just this telescope.
SAM:No, wherever we are the whole Universe just looks wrong.
WADE:Hey man, what does Uranus look like?
SAM:I already told you stop invading my personal space!
Cut to Dutchmiller's house
CATHERINE:So you must know why I need to talk to you.
DUTCHMILLER:I bet you need redecorating tips. This place is hideous.
CATHERINE:It's your bedroom.
DUTCHMILLER:Oh right. I must have forgotten, or blocked it out. Uhooh, that lamp.
CATHERINE:I hope you haven't forgotten me.
DUTCHMILLER:Of course not Cameron.
CATHERINE:Catherine!
DUTCHMILLER:No no, I'm Dutchmiller. Catherine's a woman's name.
CATHERINE:It's my name.
DUTCHMILLER:Whatever you say, Kelly.
CATHERINE:Never mind, listen. Just because person has amnesia, doesn't mean they forget everything.
DUTCHMILLER:It doesn't, isn't that exactly what it means? I forget.
CATHERINE:No, of course not. Just because a person is blind doesn't mean they can't see anything, does it?
DUTCHMILLER:If you say so.
CATHERINE:Oh Dutch, don't you remember our life together before all fo this? This, this madness? Don't you remember marrying me, husband?
DUTCHMILLER:Husband?
CATHERINE:Of course. You pledged your love to me, don't you remember?
DUTCHMILLER:But you're not wearing a ring.
CATHERINE:Darling you gave me this tiara instead. You said a ring was far too pedestrian.
DUTCHMILLER:That does sound like me, fantastic. But how can you remember all this and I can't?
CATHERINE:Because I have the tiara to remind me.
DUTCHMILLER:I guess that makes sense.
CATHERINE:I tell you what. Maybe you'd feel better if you got in to something a little more, comfortable.
DUTCHMILLER:Why what do you mean?
CATHERINE:Don't you wanna relax and get out of that silly smelly sushi chef suit?
DUTCHMILLER:Bet you can't say that five times fast.
CATHERINE:Come on, relax. I'll slip in to something more comfortable if you will.
DUTCHMILLER:Okay, sounds like fun.
Dutchmiller changes in to his smarmy business suit
CATHERINE:I meant something a little more comfortable than that.
DUTCHMILLER:Ahalright.
Dutchmiller changes in to shorts and ...something else
CATHERINE:Close enough. Now come here, and prepare to be woohooed.
DUTCHMILLER:Woohoo? What's all this now?
CATHERINE:Let me show you.
Catherine and Dutchmiller have the funniest sex scene in recorded history
DUTCHMILLER:Woohoo!
CATHERINE:Woo hoo.


The Strangerhood
Episode 8: WSI

Fade in to Dr. Chalmers talking with Sam in front of a house. And the Gnome
DR. CHALMERS:So what you're saying is, wherever we are, is not where we think we are.
SAM:Right.
DR. CHALMERS:So, where do we think we are now?
SAM:I don't know. I'm not even sure I knew where we were before I figured out we weren't there.
DR. CHALMERS:That's completely ridiculous. I still say we're in Cleveland.
SAM:No we're not.
DR. CHALMERS:Now how do you know? Does Cleveland have grass?
SAM:Yes.
DR. CHALMERS:Mailboxes?
SAM:I guess.
DR. CHALMERS:Jacuzzi tubs.
SAM:Jacu-
DR. CHALMERS:...
SAM:I don't know, what?
DR. CHALMERS:Does Cleveland have Jacuzzi tubs? Answer the dang question!
SAM:Yes, sure.
DR. CHALMERS:As do we. Therefor by scientific deduction, we are in Cleveland.
SAM:Look that's not proof. You can find all that stuff anywhere.
DR. CHALMERS:Even in Cleveland?
SAM:...(sigh) Yes.
DR. CHALMERS:Bingo.
Enter Wade in a baby blue shirt and dark blue pants with a big black belt on
WADE:Hey man, check me out! I mean, hey citizens, respect the badge.
SAM:You look ridiculous Wade.
WADE:You mean "You look ridiculous officer Wade."
DR. CHALMERS:Where did you get that police uniform?
WADE:I just found it. This is totally a sign I should be a cop and like solve crimes and stuff and whatever!
SAM:That's not a sign.
DR. CHALMERS:I think he means that billboard.
officer wade says "you should be a cop and like solve crimes and stuff and whatever." (This is a public service message from your local Strangerhood police departments. Police officer and car are portrayed by professional actors. Don't try this at home. Keep away from childrem 3 years and under.)
SAM:Man, advertising is really ruining this country.
DR. CHALMERS:It's better than that ad on the back o' that park bench.
Lonely Tonight? Call 5550-TOVAR Foreign Person Escort Service Limited. Always Discreet. Always Tovar.
DR. CHALMERS:Wah. Disgusting. That is why, all parks should be illegal.
WADE:Totally dude.
DR. CHALMERS:Well I for one think this is a fine idea. Cleveland could use a little more security. Someone keeps stealing refrigerators!
WADE:I am going to investigate the crime scenes man.
SAM:No.
WADE:And protect and serve-
SAM:No!
WADE:And bust perps.
SAM:No!
WADE:And ride around, in my cruiser, with the lights and sirens on man, like totally all reeu reeu reeu reeur man!
SAM:No, no- wait, actually that sounds kinda fun. You found a cop car too?
WADE:Yeah man. You could ride in the back and be my sidekick.
SAM:Criminals ride in the back! And whaddaya mean "sidekick"?
DR. CHALMERS:You do fit the profile.
WADE:Right man, with like his weird haircut.
DR. CHALMERS:And utterly, preposterously ridiculous manner o' speechified talk. Huh!
WADE:Also, he's not that smart, or good-looking!
DR. CHALMERS:And he makes such goofy faces all the time.
Sam makes a goofy face, as if on cue
WADE:That's the one right there.
DR. CHALMERS:Hoh hoh hoh hoh hoh...
WADE:Hee hee...
DR. CHALMERS:Oh hoh hoh hoh...
WADE:Yeah man...
DR. CHALMERS:Oh hoh hoh ha hah...
WADE:Heh heh heh.
DR. CHALMERS:Yeh heh heh heh heh, whoo ho ha ha, oh my sides are achin' oh ho hoh, haha! Hoo, hoohoohuhoo, huh, hoh, oh that's classic Sam sidekick material.
SAM:I'm not the sidekick! If anybody fits the sidekick profile it's Wade!
WADE:No way dude. Would a sidekick have his own opening credits montage?
SAM:Would he have what?
Cue Wade's opening credits montage. It's really quite beautiful. You should see it.
WADE:Hee heh heh, yeah man, hu he hee, hu hu huh.
SAM:What the crap was that?
WADE:To, the crime scene!
SAM:Wade there aren't any crimes, as far as we know there's only eight people here.
DR. CHALMERS:Aren't you forgetting that one of the eight people mysteriously died?
SAM:Alright, seven.
WADE:Eh I know, I know, uh, I'll cover my eyes, and uh count to ten, and then you guys go commit some felonies. One... (continues: two, four, five, six man, seven, nine ten)
SAM:I don't wanna play this game again, last time I got cheated.
DR. CHALMERS:I keep telling you, jaywalking is not a felony.
SAM:Well it should be!
DR. CHALMERS:I agree. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go commit tax fraud. And some insider trading.
WADE:Totally man!
DR. CHALMERS:And a little dine 'n' dash-
SAM:Last time somebody took my refrigerator. Now all my things are melting.
DR. CHALMERS:And I'll follow it up by fencin' some fridgerators.
GRIGGS:Aw man, they never let me play their stupid felony game. I don't need them; I'll play my own game. Like football or, nerd punching. I'm the world champion at nerd punching. Got the high score and everything. And when they see the high score they'll be like "Hey, who's uh, who's G-R-G? Is it that, stupid foreign dude?" Then they'll be like "Oh, it must be that Griggs guy. Boy I wish I was better friends with him." Yeah, then they'll be jealous. I'll go over talk to 'em be like "nope. High score. What you gon' do about that? Nothin', 'cause you're stupid."


The Strangerhood
Episode 9: Detective Defective

Fade in to Sam Spade Wade in a B&W setting
WADE'S VOICEOVER:It was a dark and stormy night, the kinda night that could put a chill in your bones man, and a song, in your heart, hmhmhmhmmhm.
Lightning. That oughta shut him up
WADE:Eoh, forget the song, just the bone chilliness man.
WADE'S VOICEOVER:I had just returned from a long day of bustin' perps, to visit my only friend... Java Joe. When you're the one on the mean streets you gotta look out for number one. Even when ya have to go number one. Which sometimes I do.
WADE:Eeh, ooh, ooh...
WADE'S VOICEOVER:Especially when I drink too much coffee.
(FLUSH)
WADE'S VOICEOVER:Anyway where was I...
Lightning. Again. Get to the point, Wade...
WADE'S VOICEOVER:Oh yeah. It was a dark and stormy night. The kinda night where anything can happen. And when you least expect it, anything totally happens dude.
Phone rings
WADE:Holy crap! What was that?
WADE'S VOICEOVER:It was the phone ringing.
WADE:Oh yeah! Right dude.
WADE'S VOICEOVER:That's when I got the news.
WADE:Like hello?
WADE'S VOICEOVER:Some young dame had gone and gotten herself bumped off. She was sleeping with the fishes.
WADE:That totally sounds like fun.
WADE'S VOICEOVER:She was dead.
WADE:Oh. Much less fun dude.
WADE'S VOICEOVER:Times like these some people run and hide.
WADE:Good idea man.
WADE'S VOICEOVER:But I didn't have that option.
WADE:(taking off) Oh yes I do man.
WADE'S VOICEOVER:I'm a cop.
WADE:(running past the window outside) I'm getting a feeling...
WADE'S VOICEOVER:And this is my beat. Eh- uh, hey man, where did I go? That's totally not cool man.
Officer Wade starring in The Big Durnt
Wade shows up at the pool where Nikki was found dead, still in black and white, with Tovar Sam and Dr. Chalmers present
WADE'S VOICEOVER:I arrived to find the usual suspects already on the scene. They were an ugly bunch of lugs.
SAM:Hey!
TOVAR:Hey!
DR. CHALMERS:Now hold up just a minute!
WADE'S VOICEOVER:And all, incredibly stupid.
DR. CHALMERS:Hey-
TOVAR:Yai, is true!
WADE'S VOICEOVER:Each one either patsy or pidgeon or palooka.
SAM:Hey you know we can hear you!
WADE'S VOICEOVER:It was my sidekick Sam. The dumbest and ugliest of them all. But I kept him around because, he made me laugh.
SAM:I'm not dumb or ugly! I'm a beautiful intelligent person who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity! And for the last time I'm not your sidekick!
WADE'S VOICEOVER:Yeah. What a moron.
DR. CHALMERS:Why do you keep talking without moving your lips?
TOVAR:Yai, Tovar enjoy! Is like watching ventriloquist show. But without evil little doll staring in to soul. Yai, Tovar said too much and embarassed Tovar again.
DR. CHALMERS:Now wait, why are we here?
SAM:And why are we black and white?
DR. CHALMERS:You mean me and you? That's just the way God made us. Celebrate diversity.
SAM:No, I mean everything. What're we doing here?
WADE:We're searching for clues, man. Clues that will help us solve Nikki's murder death man.
SAM:You and Tovar were both here when she died.
DR. CHALMERS:Maybe you should start there.
WADE:Oh, interrogation, excellent idea. Okay Tovar, if that is your real name. Give it up now and spend less time in the big house.
TOVAR:Yai.
DR. CHALMERS:What do you think is goin' through his mind right now?
Zoom in to the inside of Tovar's head to find a smaller, more athletic Tovar running on a hamster wheel
TINY TOVAR:Yai! Tiny Tovar will win the race! And get the cheese prize!
SAM:I really just don't wanna know.
WADE'S VOICEOVER:I was getting nowhere with the investigation. But suddenly, I discovered, a clue.
SAM:I don't see anything.
DR. CHALMERS:Me neither.
WADE'S VOICEOVER:It was green makeup.
DR. CHALMERS:What is, that smudge?
WADE'S VOICEOVER:That meant the killer must have been wearing some kind of- green makeup. And some of it must have come off, in a struggle.
DR. CHALMERS:I don't see anything green. Everything's gray!
SAM:That's because we're black and white.
DR. CHALMERS:You keep bringing that up. I think you have issues.
WADE'S VOICEOVER:The case was finally coming together. The green makeup obviously meant the killer was-
GRIGGS:Oh no, I gotta get outta here!
WADE'S VOICEOVER:A woman.
SAM:Ya know, I think there could be another theory.
WADE'S VOICEOVER:I knew that it must have been an inside job. An inside job by- The Mafia!
SAM:What? There's no Mafia here. And even if there were it wouldn't be an inside job unless Nikki was in the Mafia too!
WADE'S VOICEOVER:Which is why the Wakuza Japanese Mafia paid off the District Attorney man.
SAM:What?
WADE'S VOICEOVER:No doubt the District Attorney must have paid off the witnesses. And the judge in order to get to the family. Oh my God, which means the family was in on the raqueteering man. Oh myan, and I don't even know what raqueteering is man!


The Strangerhood
Episode 10: Devil May Care

Pan in to Sam and Dr. Chalmers talking
SAM:You know, I'm beginning to think Griggs might actually have had something to do with what happened to Nikki.
DR. CHALMERS:Me too. I found this note.
SAM:"Dear Everyone, I had something to do with what happened to Nikki. Goodbye forever, Gruggs." Gruggs!? He misspelled his own name!
DR. CHALMERS:And he's got surprisingly feminine handwriting.
SAM:Well he does wear makeup.
DR. CHALMERS:Touché.
Bizarre fade involving a wanted poster for Griggs for Excessive Punchiness to Griggs joining the Gnome in a car
GRIGGS:Oh man, I can't believe everyone's after me. They all think I had somethin' to do with Nikki. Maybe I did, I can't remember. Ahaugh, this sucks! What do I do now?
A Devil Griggs shows up on his right shoulder (stage left shoulder)
DEVIL GRIGGS:I'll tell you what to do, punch everybody! There's no problem that can't be solved with a good punchin'!
An Angel Griggs shows up on his other shoulder
ANGEL GRIGGS:Hey, that'd be mean. Instead of punching everyone, why not just give everybody some flowers and tell 'em you love 'em? That'd be awesome.
DEVIL GRIGGS:Shut up, stupid angel me! It's punchin' time, and that's final!
ANGEL GRIGGS:Who're you calling stupid, red?
DEVIL GRIGGS:Who're you callin' red ya hippie do-gooder?
ANGEL GRIGGS:Alright, that's it, time for a punchin' exorcism!
Angel Griggs jumps on to normal Griggs' other shoulder and gets in to it with Devil Griggs
GRIGGS:Hey, can it you morons. I'm tryin' to figure out what to do here.
Angel Wade shows up on Griggs' left shoulder (stage right shoulder)
ANGEL WADE:Dewd, you should like totally turn yourself in.
GRIGGS:What the- hey get outta here. You're supposed to be on Wade's shoulder, not mine.
ANGEL WADE:Hey he is like way too busy with his hobbies to listen to me man.
Cut to Wade painting something on a canvas
WADE:A perfect reperduction man. Just quiet little brush strokes, just painting some little happy clouds here in the back...
Cut back from Wade's Mona Lisa self portrait to Griggs
GRIGGS:Ugh, moron.
ANGEL CHALMERS:Huh, you guys got any extra room? I got kicked outta my place for suggesting that Chalmers quit stealing refridgerators.
Cut to Dr. Chalmers in front of an entire wall of refridgerators
DR. CHALMERS:Ha hah, now I'll combine all these in to one super refridgerator, so I can finally store my eighteen foot party hoagie. Chalmers, you genius you! Huh huh, huh!
Cut to Angel Dutchmiller materializing
ANGEL DUTCHMILLER:Hey, what's goin' on? I heard you guys were throwing a party.
ANGEL TOVAR:Yai, Tovar is bring his salty nuts.
ANGEL CHALMERS:Hey everybody, it's Rhumba time! Uh!
ANGEL DUTCHMILLER:Alright, let's shake it.
ANGEL WADE:Dude!
ANGEL TOVAR:Yai, yippee! Rhumba rhumba!
ANGEL CHALMERS:Hehey, whoa, hahah.
ANGEL DUTCHMILLER:Shake that halo like a polaroid picture.
ANGEL TOVAR:Yahai!
Angel Sam materializes
ANGEL SAM:Hey everybody, let's try to keep down the noise.
ANGEL DUTCHMILLER:Blah blah blah, shut up Angel Sam.
ANGEL CHALMERS:Don't be a party pooper.
ANGEL SAM:The neighbour association really frowns on this.
ANGEL DUTCHMILLER:Enough already, who invited Sam Stick-In-The-Mud?
ANGEL SAM:Okay the Hell with it! Let's party!
ANGEL WADE:Yuh man, wanna shake it wide.
ANGEL SAM:Woo woo! Boogy boogy ooh ooh!
ANGEL WADE:Everybody move.
ANGEL SAM:Yeah yeah yeah.
ANGEL DUTCHMILLER:Let's get holy.
ANGEL WADE:Hey Dutch? We should like invite Catherine's angel too.
ANGEL DUTCHMILLER:I'm pretty sure she doesn't have one.
ANGEL WADE:Oh, right dude.
ANGEL CHALMERS:Hey everybody, who wants to do the limbo?
ANGEL DUTCHMILLER:Alright, yeah!
ANGEL CHALMERS:How low can you go?
ANGEL DUTCHMILLER:I'll go so low it's despicable!
ANGEL TOVAR:Yai, so good yet so bad! We should play pin the tail on the waitress.
ANGEL DUTCHMILLER:Party!


The Strangerhood
Episode 11: Cell Block Duh

Slide in to Griggs looking out a small window
WADE:Hey Con, fresh meat.
TOVAR:Hello, are new prison friend? How is one to bunk in Pokie? Tovar is enjoying bottom. Want be on top?
GRIGGS:Cram it new fish, I own this cell block.
TOVAR:Yai, Tovar is stay here many time. Is like bed and breakfast in my country but with working toilet.
GRIGGS:So what're ya in for? Ya lousy foreigner. Murderin' the English language? Huh huh, that was awesome, score.
TOVAR:Tovar is not do anything. I being confused for evil twin Tobar.
GRIGGS:Evil twin? Yeah right. If anybody's not guilty around here it's me!
TOVAR:Nai nai no, Tovar is definitely being the guilty... guilty of being so too sexy! And macho. Seriously, is crime in my country.
GRIGGS:Cry me a river.
TOVAR:Yai, would be sexy river! Like Missipeepee. She's very curvaceous water lady.
Dutchmiller enters
GRIGGS:Ah great, another moron.
DUTCHMILLER:Nohohoho no, I'm an attorney. Easy mistake to make.
TOVAR:Yai, this is being Tovar's lawyer. Am free to bail now.
DUTCHMILLER:Not quite Tovar, don't forget you'll have to do more community service.
TOVAR:Noho yai, last servicio was so horrible for Tovar, heehee. Hoh, why do I smell like onions?
Fade to Tovar sitting at a desk with many envelopes, near Dutchmiller
DUTCHMILLER:Keep licking Tovar, those party invitations aren't going to mail themselves-
TOVAR:I can't do it, no-
DUTCHMILLER:Only eighteen thousand to go.
TOVAR:Yai.
DUTCHMILLER:Now where to hang that sushi piñata? Ah right! On the chandellier by all the crystal, fantastic.
Fade back to present-day Tovar
TOVAR:Yai.
GRIGGS:Hey, how come I never got an invite?
DUTCHMILLER:Sorry, the list was very exclusive. Hmhm. Okay Tovar, let's get to that community service. We're going to need an industrial size plunger and a truckload of ball bearings.
TOVAR:Yai, noo, bearing balls stink!
GRIGGS:Hold on there, legal beagle. What do I gotta do to get outta here?
DUTCHMILLER:That depends, are you guilty guilty or just celebrity guilty? You don't look famous, are you famous? Are there naked pictures of you on the internet? That could really help our case.
GRIGGS:I'm innocent I tell ya, it was all a frame-up.
DUTCHMILLER:Oh, well then it's very simple. Just file a motion to uh...
The sound of an ambulance grows progressively louder
DUTCHMILLER:Wait. Do you hear that?
GRIGGS:Yeah. Sounds like an ambulance.
DUTCHMILLER:Fantastic! Come on Tovar, let's go chase it.
TOVAR:Ai, Tovar hoping ambulance not bad. Remembering what happened last time.
Fade to Wade and a novelty-sized pair of scissors, which he picks up and starts running with
WADE:I am like totally running with scissors man!
SAM:Aaaahhhhh, Wade that was my gallbladdar!
WADE:My bad dude.
SAM:Hey and those are my scissors!
Quickly fade back to Griggs
GRIGGS:Fine. I don't need you or your greaseball lawyer. I'm gettin' outta here my way!
TOVAR:Yai, are going to cover wall with llama butter and eat way out?
GRIGGS:What? No.
TOVAR:Oh right, is Tovar's way. What are Griggs do?
GRIGGS:Before they put me away, I had the blueprint for the prison tattooed on my body. Heh, pretty smooth.
Griggs de-shirts (off camera)
TOVAR:Oi, m m yai, is no blueprint, is cat riding surfboard.
GRIGGS:Oh man, I knew I shoulda let Wade give me that tattoo.
WADE:Hang ten little pussy!
GRIGGS:Aw shut up moron.
WADE:My bad dude.
GRIGGS:Oh man this sucks. It's a conspiracy I tell ya.
TOVAR:Teeheeheehee.
GRIGGS:And they're all in on it!
TOVAR:Nai nai no, is no conspiracy, is simple explanation for everything.
MIRROR VOICE:Ha ha ha. Operation Conspiracy is moving along perfectly. Now to commence with phase two, also known as phase "Simple Explanation For Everything." Ha ha ha. Phase three will of course be known as phase "All-too-convenient Conclusion," the greatest phase of all, ha ha ha. Ha ha ha! Although I'm really looking forward to phase four, also known as phase "Laughing Maniacally For No Good Reason," ha ha ha. Ha ha- no wait, I should save it.


The Strangerhood
Episode 12: Surprise Guest

Fade in to a title screen for a late night show
DUTCHMILLER:(in voiceover) It's the Much Later Tonight Show, with your host: Dickie Dutchmiller. Hey that's me! Fantastic. On tonight's program a house call from Doctor Chalmers. The comedy stylings of funny-man Tovar. Mailbag! Zany sports bloopers. And as always, the Later Tonight Show Band, the Durntastics. And now, give it up for your host, me! Dickie Dutchmiller!
DUTCHMILLER:Thank you, what a great crowd. Way better than the bunch of hideous losers we had here last night. Am I right?
SAM:(alone in audience) Hey, I was the only one here in the audience last night!
DUTCHMILLER:So true. Let's take a look at a clip!
Last night's show
DUTCHMILLER:And welcome to the show. Wow, what a bunch of hideous losers in the audience! Am I right?
SAM:Hey!
Tonight's show
DUTCHMILLER:Hah, hah hahlarious. And now for my first guest of the evening. You know him as that grumpy old guy who complains a lot. Please welcome, Doctor Chalmers!
DR. CHALMERS:This better not take long, Matlock comes on at four-thirty. Doctor Chalmers does not miss an episode of Matlock. Ever!
DUTCHMILLER:So Chalmy, can I call you Chalmy?
DR. CHALMERS:No you cannot.
DUTCHMILLER:So Chalmy, tell me about your latest project.
DR. CHALMERS:I'm currently developing a new way to-
DUTCHMILLER:Fantastic! Let's take a look at a clip. Huhh.
DR. CHALMERS:What clip? I didn't bring a clip.
Clip of Chalmers dressed like one of the guys from Brokeback Mountain
DR. CHALMERS:It's rodeo time. Yeehaw!
Chalmers jumping on a couch
DR. CHALMERS:Heh hah, lookit me go, ha ha! Bounce on a couch, I love this stuff, bounce on a couch, all day long, I bounce on a couch while I sing this song, a-haha, hahaaa, yeeha, whoo! Ha ha.
Back in the studio
DR. CHALMERS:That nevah happened.
DUTCHMILLER:Fantastic. My next guest comes to us all the way from some foreign place. Give it up for the hilarious broken-English comedy, of Tovar!
TOVAR:Hello, was being very hot today.
SAM:... How hot was it...
TOVAR:Was so hot, Tovar is needing to remove coat. But no have coat, is back hair!
SAM:... ... ... You suck!
TOVAR:In my country is compliment.
SAM:This stinks, I'm outta here.
DR. CHALMERS:Me too. I'm not moving over on the couch for that pinhead.
TOVAR:Yai, don't leave, I haven't gotten to my Yak material.
Sam and Chalmers leave, Catherine enters. What is this, Shakespeare?
TOVAR:It killed in Cleveland. Oh look, a much sexier audience, hello lady.
DUTCHMILLER:Why look everyone, it's a special surpriiiise guest!
CATHERINE:Who are you talking to?
DUTCHMILLER:Ah, no-one. You were saying?
CATHERINE:Dutch, I have some incredibly shocking news.
DUTCHMILLER:Shocking? Oh my God, you're really a man! I knew it the whole time! Your hands gave you away.
CATHERINE:What? No!
DUTCHMILLER:Wait! My God, I'm really a woman! This explains everything!
CATHERINE:No, stop guessing. Dutch, I'm pregnant.
DUTCHMILLER:Fantastiwhaaaaaaaaaaaat?
CATHERINE:And you can't let anyone find out.
DUTCHMILLER:Of course not. Now let's take a look at a clip!
CATHERINE:Whaaat?
That weird sex clip from episode 7 plays on a TV
WADE:Oh my God I can't believe Dutch is really Catherine's step-mother.
GRIGGS:Bored again. This show blows.
WADE:You wanna finish our chess game?
GRIGGS:We can't, you ate half the pieces.
WADE:I was so sure they had chocolate inside man.
GRIGGS:Hey let's play darts again.
WADE:Okay man, but I'm not holding the target this time.
GRIGGS:Come on.
WADE:Why can't we just hang it on the wall man?
GRIGGS:Two player game, moron. Besides, I aim better at faces. And groins. Hey I got a great idea, how 'bout instead of darts we use knives, and instead of a dartboard we don't use anything. We could always play the punching game, but then we always have to play the "Make Wade Stop Crying" game. I hate that game.


The Strangerhood
Episode 13: Double Indumbnity

DR. CHALMERS:(voiceover) In the Criminal Justice System there are two groups. The first group catches the criminals. The second group handles the courtroom proceedings.
WADE:What about the criminals, man? Aren't they a group?
DR. CHALMERS:Okay fine, three groups if you include the criminals.
SAM:Well that's not fair! If you include the criminals you have to include the victims too! What about their rights?
DR. CHALMERS:Okay, four groups. Fine. Just quit ruining my voiceover.
WADE:It was a dark and stormy night.
DR. CHALMERS:Dog gonnit Wade, you got to do your voiceover last time.
DUTCHMILLER:Good point Chalmy, don't get greedy Wade.
DR. CHALMERS:Who is that? Everybody get out of my voiceover spot!
DUTCHMILLER:Fantastic.
LIES & DISORDER - strangerhood victims criminal jury trial unit
Fade in to a court scene with Dr. Chalmers as the judge
DR. CHALMERS:(sitting down) Ehuh, hr, hm. Order in the court!
DUTCHMILLER:Your Honor, I'd like to present a motion.
DR. CHALMERS:One more outburst like that, and you'll be sequestered. Huh.
SAM:Excuse me, Judge?
DR. CHALMERS:That's it, you are all sequestered.
SAM:Do you even know what being sequestered means?
DR. CHALMERS:I believe it involves shackles, and some kinda hot poker.
SAM:No it doesn't!
DR. CHALMERS:Oh, in that case, y'all gonna be shackled, and hot pokered. Let's start this trial!
The Defendant - Name: Griggs. Accused of: 1st Degree Murder. Likes: Walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, horseback riding, gnomes
The Plaintiff - Name: People of Stranterhood. Seeking: Damages in the form of Shackles and Hot-Pokers. Turn-Offs: Mean people, face camo
DR. CHALMERS:I will now allow both sides to deliver opening remarks to the jury.
CATHERINE:Ohoh, this is gonna be good. Ten bucks says he's guilty.
SAM:You can't place bets. We're supposed to be impartial here.
CATHERINE:I'll give ya four-to-one odds.
SAM:Make it twenty! Sucker.
DUTCHMILLER:Lady and gentleman of the jury, during the course of this trial, you will hear incontravertible evidence that the defendant is guilty, or your money back!
DR. CHALMERS:Hoh-ho, an iron-clad guarantee like that, is gonna be tough to beat. You're up Jailbird.
GRIGGS:Uh, I didn't do it? Uh, at least I don't think I did it. Anyway she probably deserved it, whatever.
DR. CHALMERS:Huh, excellent rebuttal, powerful, yet subtle. This one's too close to call.
DUTCHMILLER:If it pleases the court, I'd like to call our first stoolpigeon- I mean snitch- I mean witness. Tovar.
CATHERINE:Holy crap, there's a witness? Prepare to pay up, sucker.
SAM:Please, it's Tovar. You've got better odds of winning the lottery without buying a ticket.
WADE:Do you swear you're totally gonna tell the truth man?
TOVAR:Yai! Tovar is always telling the truth.
Cut to Catherine in a kitchen
CATHERINE:Oh my God, someone drank all my tiara polisher!
TOVAR:(spitting up green crap) Ohoh my head. Oh yai, (shakes it off). Sam did it.
Back in court
DUTCHMILLER:So Tovar, were you at the scene when the crime was committed?
TOVAR:Sam did it.
SAM:Hey!
DUTCHMILLER:Would you claim you personally were not murdered?
TOVAR:Yai?
DUTCHMILLER:Tovar, please answer all questions in English. What was the name of the victim?
TOVAR:In English.
DUTCHMILLER:And what was Miss English wearing?
TOVAR:In English.
SAM:Now if you don't have the money in cash I can take a personal cheque, or credit card or food stamps-
CATHERINE:Oh shut up.
DUTCHMILLER:Judge I would now like to present a sketch the witness drew of the assailant.
GRIGGS:That's the last time I have my portrait done at Six Flags.
DR. CHALMERS:Unbelievable! It looks just like him!
DUTCHMILLER:I rest my case.
DR. CHALMERS:Okay lifer, you're up. You have anybody to speak in your defense? Or should I just bang my gavel so we can all go home?
GRIGGS:Huh, I guess, ...I guess that I uh, I'm gonna... um... guess I'm gonna, draw this out a little bit...
CATHERINE:Look, he's stalling, he's got nothing. I am sooo taking your cash.
GRIGGS:I guess I-
CATHERINE:Ha!
Dramatic zooms on everone in sequence looking like they're being attacked by a rubber poop monster
GRIGGS:I guess I call that girl in the back that looks just like Nikki!
NIKKI:Hey everybody, I'm back.
EVERYONE:(assorted gasps and ahhs)
GRIGGS:Acquitted, score.
SAM:Booya, in your face, sucker! Pay up, you just got played by the player!
CATHERINE:Oh shut up!
SAM:Oooo!
CATHERINE:Enough!
SAM:I got you, in your face!
CATHERINE:Alright already.
SAM:In your face!
CATHERINE:Oh come on-
SAM:In your face all over the place!
CATHERINE:Please...
SAM:Look at me-
CATHERINE:We've all heard this.
SAM:Look at me I'm doin' the Dirty Bird!
CATHERINE:Is the dancing really necessary?
SAM:Dirty Bird victory dance, and Cabbage Patch!
CATHERINE:I can't believe this.
SAM:Whoowhoowhooo!
CATHERINE:You're such a sore winner.
SAM:Boobaboo, badoobalydoo, I'm gonna make 'em snoogihisses!
GRIGGS:Acquitted means not guilty, right?
SAM:I'm gonna make up some new words!
GRIGGS:'Cause if not I'm the other thing.
SAM:Ooweewoowoowoo, champion! You got served!


The Strangerhood
Episode 14: Nikki's Alias

Fade in to the court scene in Chalmers' basement
DR. CHALMERS:Now listen here, young lady. I do not appreciate unannounced visitors in my courtroom, unless they are deliverin' free hoagies.
NIKKI:Do I look like I'm delivering hoagies?
DR. CHALMERS:Do you look like you're appreciated? Get outta here 'n' go get me a hoagie!
NIKKI:Fine!
SAM:Wait! Noone's leaving!
WADE:(in obvious urinary distress) Uh but mahn-
SAM:You can take a bathroom break after we find out what's going on. Learn to hold it already. Geeze you're like a six year old on a road trip.
CATHERINE:I don't think we need to discuss this any further. The important thing is, someone still needs to kill Nikki.
SAM:What?
CATHERINE:I mean that she's home safe. You look terrible- I mean lovely. Tramp- dear.
DR. CHALMERS:So what happened?
NIKKI:Okay, you see I first noticed Tovar acting strange one day, so I-
SAM:(cough)
NIKKI:What?
SAM:Could you tell the story in flashback? It's kinda boring just watching you talk.
WADE:Allow me. Nikki'd just noticed Tovar acting really strange. And things were getting really wavy man.
NIKKI:Okay Wade cool it, I think I can handle it from here.
Enter crazy flashback mode where you basically see everything Nikki's about to describe, since it's a crazy flashback
NIKKI:I was in my apartment when I overheard Tovar. It sounded like he was talking to himself, but when I looked outside I thought I saw two of him.
WADE:Oh yeah, I see double all the time too man.
NIKKI:I decided to follow him, but I knew I had to be secretive. So I changed my outfit and my hairstyle to something that wouldn't stand out.
Nikki changes in to black and white clothes with a multi-color beanie
CATHERINE:Nice beanie.
DR. CHALMERS:Hey I have that same outfit, huh.
NIKKI:I tracked him down to a nexotic beach, where I changed my outfit to better blend in with the environment.
Nikki changes in to a horse outfit I guess
CATHERINE:That's a fashion fiasco, it's a fashionasco!
NIKKI:Then I tracked him to a nightclub where I changed my outfit so I wouldn't be so noticable.
DR. CHALMERS:Huh, that's a nice look, all you need now is a cardigan, huh.
NIKKI:Then we went to a casino; I changed outfits. A bowling alley; I changed outfits. Hospital; new outfit. Old castle; new outfit. Enormous French mansion; outfit nouveau. Restaurant, outfit. Dog park, outfit. Haunted house, outfit. Art gallery?
SAM:Hhh, let me guess. New outfit.
NIKKI:No, but I did change my make-up.
Cut to Nikki flipping down from the ceiling
NIKKI:Finally I found myself in a mysterious underground hallway. I didn't know where it led, and I had been so many places I couldn't remember where I had come from.
WADE:Oh, I get that a lot too man.
NIKKI:I was starting to get suspicious.
SAM:You're just now starting to get suspicious?
NIKKI:So in case anybody was waiting to attack me, I showed off some of my awesome karate moves.
Flashback Nikki punches and kicks the air, saying "Hyah!" a lot
NIKKI:Then I showed off some of my awesome karate moves in slow motion!
Flashback Nikki gets slowed down, just like normal Nikki said
NIKKI:That kind of took a long time and got boring... but then I noticed a door. I was worried there were highly advanced security measures. But I decided to go in anyway. Inside I found a secret room, with secret documents, that contain secret information about-
WADE:What kinda secrets? Like how Sam sings love songs to himself in the shower secrets?
Cut to Sam in the shower
SAM:(singing) This water is so warm... just like my love for you-
Cut to Sam in the bathtub
SAM:(singing) And when I lather up my skiiin!-
Cut to Sam in the shower
SAM:(singing) I'm a metrosexual, a super metrosexy-
Back to the basement courtroom
SAM:W-w-w-Wade!
WADE:My bad dude. Was the secret about bubble addiction?
Cut to Wade with the largest bubble hookah I have ever seen, seriously
WADE:Groooovyyyy maaaan...
Back to the courtroom
WADE:Don't judge me.
NIKKI:Anyway, I found out that Griggs-
WADE:What about Griggs!? Is it that he's really a zombie trapped in a vampire's body, and every time he sees the sun he has to eat his own brain man. Like oh my God I totally didn't know that man! Seriously.


The Strangerhood
Episode 15: Lost in Place

Fade in to Nikki in the courtroom
NIKKI:Anyway, I found out that Griggs, is really my father!
SAM:(gasp)
WADE:Whaaat?
DUTCHMILLER:Nooo.
DR. CHALMERS:I can't believe it!
GRIGGS:I'm not paying child support. ...What, I said I didn't kill her, I didn't say I wasn't a deadbeat.
NIKKI:I raced back home, but before I could tell anybody, someone knocked me out!
SAM:You were just knocked out? See I told you she wasn't decomposing.
DR. CHALMERS:Not dead? Girl you look like a zombie!
NIKKI:When I woke up later, I couldn't remember anything. I had amnesia!
SAM:We all have amnesia.
NIKKI:Yes, but I forgot that I already had it. Suddenly I forgot everything I remembered I had forgotten earlier, and remembered the things I forgot I remembered.
WADE:Finally- it all makes sehehence.
NIKKI:Everyone thought I was dead, so I used the time to search for more clues. And that's when I learned something even more shocking. One of us knows why we lost our memories, knows why we're here, and knows who is behind everything. One of us, is a spy.
SAM:This is shocking information!
WADE:Whaat?
DUTCHMILLER:Nooo.
DR. CHALMERS:I can't believe it!
NIKKI:That's right! Be ready to be completely shocked!
WADE:I'm ready.
NIKKI:Because the secret spy, is...
Dramatic zooms on everyone in turn, then the word STRANGERHOOD passes the camera angle while turning in 3D
WADE:Like who is it man? Like hello. It's me, isn't it.
Back to the courtroom
NIKKI:Because the secret spy... is Catherine!
SAM:This is shocking information!
WADE:Whaat?
DUTCHMILLER:Nooo.
DR. CHALMERS:Oh my- I can't believe it!
CATHERINE:Oh please, like you couldn't have figured it out.
SAM:Yeah.
DR. CHALMERS:No surprise here.
DUTCHMILLER:I knew it the whole time.
NIKKI:Her tiara is actually an antenna. She's been receiving secret instructions from her headquarters, and using it to remotely control Griggs' garden gnome, which was embedded with experimental mind control ray.
GRIGGS:Dammit! I knew I shouldn't have hired you as my defense lawyer.
GNOME:(something)
GRIGGS:Huh huh yeah, good point buddy. You're the best.
GNOME:(something)
NIKKI:She planted evidence against Griggs that would make everybody think he committed a crime. A crime that never happened.
WADE:Oh, wow.
DR. CHALMERS:Really.
DUTCHMILLER:Shocking!
SAM:I can't take all these plot twists!
CATHERINE:It doesn't matter; none of you can stop me! I'm not letting the others take my baby!
DUTCHMILLER:A baby? Oh, the shockingness!
GNOME:(squeak?)
WADE:The others?
DR. CHALMERS:What?
SAM:I'm still a virgin!
GRIGGS:Just as well.
TOVAR:If it has moustachio, don't look at me.
NIKKI:Don't worry everyone, I can explain every single detail. You see, what happened i-
The word STRANGERHOOD passes the camera angle while turning in 3D
Cut to everyone gathered around an open hatch with numbers on it
SAM:Thanks for explaining everything so thoroughly, and in such great detail Nikki.
DR. CHALMERS:It all makes perfect sense now.
WADE:I still don't get the part about the polar bear.
DUTCHMILLER:Ohohokay then, down the hatch!
GRIGGS:Hey wait a second; there's a bunch of mysterious numbers on the outside of this thing.
ALL:(gasp)
NIKKI:Those numbers aren't just mysterious, they're a code that reveals a secret so shocking that-
The word STRANGERHOOD passes the camera angle while turning in 3D
Cut to everyone gathered in a room
SAM:Thanks for explaining all those weird numbers Nikki.
DR. CHALMERS:It all makes perfect sense now.
DUTCHMILLER:I still don't get the part about the pirate ship.
WADE:Yeah, or the invisible smoke monster?
NIKKI:Come on everybody, this-
The word STRANGERHOOD passes the camera angle while turning in 3D
Cut to an old man's eyes (let's call him "The Architect") as he views various locations from the show on a screen in sequence
ARCHITECT:Hmm... Hmm... Hmm... Hmm, where did they all go?
WADE:Um, dudes? Where are we?
ARCHITECT:What the- You shouldn't be here!
SAM:Why not?
ARCHITECT:By entering this lab, you've set off a chain reaction that threatens to unleash the most terrifying event, the world has ever se-
The word STRANGERHOOD passes the camera angle while turning in 3D
WADE:Are y- are you gonna tell us or not man?


The Strangerhood
Episode 16: The Montage Exposition

Cut to everyone in the lab
SAM:You know that was a really overly dramatic way to tell us you could get fired.
ARCHITECT:Sorry, I've been down here by myself for kind of a while.
DR. CHALMERS:Now just who are you exactly?
ARCHITECT:My name is Sam. I work here.
SAM:Hey, my name is Sam too!
ARCHITECT:No it's not.
SAM:Oh yeah? Well that's the name written on my underwear.
ARCHITECT:So you're the son of a bitch that took all my underwear! I've been going commando for the last three months!
GRIGGS:Awesome, I wanna go commando. Let's blow some stuff up and shoot some villagers.
NIKKI:Not that kinda commando, Griggs.
ARCHITECT:His name isn't Griggs.
DR. CHALMERS:Huh, and I suppose my name isn't Doctor Cornelius Chalmers Esquire ...The third!
ARCHITECT:No it isn't, Seamus McMurchPatrick.
DR. CHALMERS:Seamus- I'm Irish!?
WADE:Of course- that explains the sweater vest.
SAM:Oh come on, his sweater vest isn't made of whiskey and potatoes.
DR. CHALMERS:Hey now- I'll thank yas not to sully me people with ya blarny. Hoh blimey; 'tis the old country having its way with me tongue. Huh!
ARCHITECT:Actually, none of you ninnies got your names right. Except for Nikki, although her name's actually pronounced Nik-kay.
DUTCHMILLER:Well just who are we then?
SAM:And what are we doing here?
ARCHITECT:Both good questions Officer Balthazar and Mister Smiggleton.
SAM:I'm not takin' Smiggleton.
ARCHITECT:Ya see about a hundred years ago the global entertainment industry ran completely out of ideas.
DUTCHMILLER:I saw that movie, it was fantastic.
GRIGGS:No you didn't ya moron.
ARCHITECT:So we built a time machine to snatch people outta the past.
DUTCHMILLER:I remember that one it was awesome!
GRIGGS:No you don't!
ARCHITECT:Back when everyone was still watching good T.V. shows and movies.
DUTCHMILLER:It had explosions, and a girl in a miniskirt.
GRIGGS:Every movie's got that.
ARCHITECT:We figured if we kept you isolated and we watched everything you did-
DUTCHMILLER:Hey, another movie, title.
GRIGGS:God, somebody shut this guy up?
ARCHITECT:-we might be able to come up with some kind of new entertainment programming-
DUTCHMILLER:The first one stunk, but the sequel was hilarious.
GRIGGS:Alright, I'm gonna have to murder him now.
ARCHITECT:-based on your actions and conversations.
SAM:You mean like, a reality show?
ARCHITECT:No, but that's a really good idea! I can't believe we didn't think of that. You should be a writer. Or maybe just a studio executive.
DUTCHMILLER:But I wanted to be the studio executive.
DR. CHALMERS:So, we were all kidnapped.
ARCHITECT:And we erased your memories. We thought it would make your ideas fresh, and original.
DUTCHMILLER:Hmm, did it work?
ARCHITECT:Not so much, no.
GRIGGS:What about all that weird stuff that happened, and that mysterious voice thing?
VOICE:That was me.
ALL:(various gasps)
ARCHITECT:I have a voice modulator-
VOICE:-to make me sound more impressive.
ARCHITECT:Pretty sweet, right?
NIKKI:And Catherine?
ARCHITECT:She was working with me on the inside, trying to jazz things up.
DR. CHALMERS:Tough job.
ARCHITECT:Hyeah, you guys are hella-boring.
SAM:You're gonna pay for this!
ARCHITECT:Hey, don't blame me, I just work here.
NIKKI:Look it's true everyone, he has a T-shirt.
Quick view of his T-shirt that says just that
SAM:Dammit! Well you at least have to send us back to wherever we came from.
ARCHITECT:Okay, no problem.
DR. CHALMERS:Great; I can't wait to get back to the old country, and choke me a leprechaun.
GRIGGS:Hmm... choking a leprechaun, eh?
Show Griggs' thought bubble above his head as he chokes a leprechaun and gold flies out of its navel
GRIGGS:Yeah that sounds pretty good, I wanna go with him.
ARCHITECT:Okay, let me just boot up the old time machine here. Just analyzing temporal vortecese, re-re-re-reticulating remembering routine, contemplating time-space continuum, loading anti-paradox engine, and immemorializing memory matrices. Okay, we're good to go.
Pan to reveal Catherine and Tobar
EVIL TOBAR:Nai. Ni'm afraid thas it no possible.
ARCHITECT:Oh crap, that can't be good. (clears throat) I mean-
VOICE:Oh crap, that can't be good.
DUTCHMILLER:I love that wacky voice. Fantastic.
ARCHITECT:Hey, thanks. It's a lotta fun at parties. I also use it for the outgoing message on my voice mail.
VOICE:When you hear the message please leave a beep. Woops, I said that wrong. How do you restart this thing? Does the blinking light mean it's recording? I did press seven! Somebody help me out here. Oh son of a b-(beep).


The Strangerhood
Episode 17: The Final Countdown

We pick up right where we left off, with Evil Tobar laughing maniacally behind Catherine
ARCHITECT:Crap, it's Evil Tobar!
SAM:Evil Tob-
EVIL TOBAR:Yai I'm Evil Tobar.
SAM:What the heck is going on here?
ARCHITECT:When we brought Tovar through the time machine there was an error, and his molecules were split in to two identical people: only one was pure evil. The other, pure moron.
TOVAR:Yai, who wants to have pillow eating contest? Tovar likes when feathers tickle from inside.
EVIL TOBAR:Yai, it'sa true. It's me, Evil Tobar. I'm demanding to releasing me. Or will be doing evil things.
DR. CHALMERS:What kinda evil things?
EVIL TOBAR:For starters, Evil Tobar being very insulting to hostage Catherine. I will say, "You're a stupid" or "Your tiara make your ass look big."
CATHERINE:It's true, he actually said that.
EVIL TOBAR:Also, am going to burn down building, and kill everyone.
EVERYONE:(gasp)
EVIL TOBAR:Hya ya yai, yai I'm Evil Tobar.
DUTCHMILLER:When you say kill everyone, you don't really mean everyone, right, just the ugos.
NIKKI:By the way, I don't think that tiara makes your ass look big.
CATHERINE:Thanks.
NIKKI:But your giant ass sure makes your tiara look small.
CATHERINE:Well if I wanted fashion advice from a twelve year old in a baseball cap, I'd coach a little league team.
NIKKI:Whatever s-
CATHERINE:Ugh.
EVIL TOBAR:Evil Tobar is angry! Will give you twenty-four hours to make decision.
A 24 hour countdown clock appears on screen
SAM:It's kind of a long time for such a tense yet easily resolved situation.
EVIL TOBAR:Yai, is good point. Evil Tobar will now change to twenty-four minutes.
The countdown timer changes to W:TF and then UH:OH and then 24 minutes
EVIL TOBAR:Thank you Sam, good idea, keep them coming.
DUTCHMILLER:You can't do this Evil Tobar, I won't let you!
CATHERINE:No Dutch, don't! He'll kill us all! Save yourself!
DUTCHMILLER:Okay, that works too. Seeya.
ARCHITECT:We can't release him, we're in a temporally shielded quantum safety zone. If Evil Tobar were to get out, it might destroy the very fabric of space-time itself!
EVIL TOBAR:Okay, Evil Tobar is now tired of waiting. We go to twenty-four seconds.
The countdown timer does the same change and drops to 24 seconds
SAM:Might destroy space-time?
ARCHITECT:Yeah! ... ...Hell I don't know, I just work here. Okay, change of plans. Let's send him through the thing anyway.
EVIL TOBAR:Yai yai yai hai yai!
Evil Tobar enters the time travel device
ARCHITECT:It's set to return you to your own time: Wall Street, New York, 1929.
EVIL TOBAR:Ya ha ha ha yai, Evil Tobar will make millions in stock market. Am going to buy tons of asbestos. Ya ha ha ha ha haaa, so long, suckas!
The countdown timer changes to OH:CR:AP and then everything returns to normal ...ish, with Evil Tobar gone
WADE:Whoa, dude, that is like the best lazer light show ever, why are my retinas smoking?
ARCHITECT:Well the Universe didn't implode, I guess everything's cool.
DR. CHALMERS:Great, me next. I can't wait to get back to the old country, and kick some Protestant ass.
ARCHITECT:Yeah I was just kidding about him being Irish by the way.
Dr. Chalmers goes through the device and emerges in a 1972 disco in Cleveland with a grey afro
DR. CHALMERS:Hn hoa! Where are all the snakes and leprechauns?
Cut back to the room
NIKKI:Well, I guess this is it.
SAM:Yeah. Thanks for everything Nikki.
NIKKI:It's Nickay you loser.
WADE:See you dudes!
GRIGGS:Not if we see you first, haha score loser!
Nikki and Griggs get in the device and go home
SAM:You know, he was a really weird guy. I'm glad he didn't turn out to be a murderer though. That was a plus.
ARCHITECT:Oh no, he is. The time machine was set to return him to prison in his own time. Ironically we learned more about T.V. from him than anyone else.
SAM:How exactly is that ironic?
ARCHITECT:Man I'm gonna be so glad to get rid of you.
CATHERINE:Ditto.
WADE:Me next dude.
ARCHITECT:Yes Sir, Mister President.
SAM:What?
WADE:Microwave me dude!
ARCHITECT:It was an honor, Sir.
Wade goes through
ARCHITECT:Okay suit guy, you're up.
DUTCHMILLER:I'm not going. My place is here now.
CATHERINE:Ohoh Dutch, do you really mean that?
DUTCHMILLER:Are we still in danger of being burned alive?
CATHERINE:No.
DUTCHMILLER:Then absolutely.
CATHERINE:Oh darling.
DUTCHMILLER:Oh baby, mmm.
Dutchmiller and Catherine kiss... a lot
TOVAR:Tovar is throwing up in hand.
ARCHITECT:Alright man, that just leaves you.
SAM:Me, what about regular Tovar?
CATHERINE:Technically, he's not even a real person. More like a time-space anomoly.
ARCHITECT:Or quantum crap.
CATHERINE:So we'll probably just liquify his DNA and drink it.
TOVAR:(belch with stink cloud)
ARCHITECT:It's cool, genetic canibalism is totally in, in the future.
TOVAR:Yai, am hungry to eat own soul.
SAM:...I'm ready to leave now.
TOVAR:Yai, goodbye Sam. Don't forget to be nerd.
SAM:Does the time machine have an air sickness bag? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I'm gonna throw up.
EVERYONE:...
DUTCHMILLER:... Just go away.
SAM:Um hey guys, before I go, shouldn't someone say something meaningful and important that en- encapsulates our incredible exper-
Sam goes through the time machine
ARCHITECT:No, we're good.
DUTCHMILLER:Zappity zap zap.
CATHERINE:Well that was a complete failure. We still don't have any new ideas.
ARCHITECT:No more movies, no more T.V. shows.
CATHERINE:What are we gonna do now?
DUTCHMILLER:... Well we could just play video games.
ARCHITECT:Yeah that works.
TOVAR:Yai.
CATHERINE:Awesome I'm pumped.
DUTCHMILLER:Fantastic.
Everyone walks off to the right, and then the screen fades to Sam waking up on his couch in front of the T.V.
SAM:(internal monologue) Man that was one crazy dream. I gotta quit watching such crappy television. I better check the name on my underwear.


The Strangerhood
PSA 1: Season's Greetings from the Strangerhood

Opens up on a shot of a Christmas tree
DISEMBODIED VOICE: And now for a special holiday message from the inhabitants of the Strangerhood.
SAM: Hey everyone. We really don't know what day it is, since we've all lost our memories and don't know where we are, but the all powerful voice-
DISEMBODIED VOICE: I prefer the term omnipotent. It is classier
SAM: Sorry, the omnipotent voice has asked us to send everyone season's greetings.
WADE: That's right! Merry Happy Chrismanukah everyone!
SAM: Merry Happy what!?
NIKKI: Chrismanukah! It's the most inclusive holiday ever.
DR. CHALMERS: It combines the best parts of Christmas and Hannukah.
WADE: Like cookies, and potato latkas.
SAM: Gross! You guys can't do that!
DUTCHMILLER: It's just like chocolate and peanut butter.
DR. CHALMERS: Ebony, and ivory.
CATHERINE: Gucci and Prada.
WADE: Superman, and, Bizarro Superman!
SAM: That's just wrong.
DR. CHALMERS: I'll tell you what's right. When you combine Christmas and Hannukah, you get twenty days of presents.
SAM: What!?
NIKKI: That's right. Twelve days of Christmas, plus another eight for Hannukah. Chrismanukah rocks!
WADE: (singing... poorly) On the fifteenth day of Chrismanukah, my true love gave to me...
DR. CHALMERS: (singing... lowly) A stocking filled with dreidels.
DUTCHMILLER: (singing... smarmily) And a reindeer in a yamukah.
SAM: Wait this is totally absurd.
DR. CHALMERS: With an attitude like that, I wouldn't expect a visit from Moses Claus.
SAM: Moses Claus!? Who?
CATHERINE: You know, he comes down the chimney and parts the bowl of egg nog.
WADE: He hangs out with those little dudes, uh, the Maccabe Elves...
NIKKI: I think he also might have lit some candles, or some oil, or did something with a baby in a barn... er... an outhouse? I, I get confused.
DR. CHALMERS: Who cares. Let's open some presents, and eat 'til we pass out.
TOVAR: Yai, everyone! We gathering 'round menorah wreath for yuletide light festival! Yah?
SAM: This has got to be the most ridiculous holiday ever.
WADE: Should we tell him 'bout Rhamadanaqwanza?
DUTCHMILLER: Hey gang, who wants to kiss under the Mazeltov mistletoe? Come on, it's Kringle Kosher.


The Strangerhood
PSA 2: Halloween Tips & Tricks

Slide in to Sam in a donkey suit... and it goes downhill from there
SAM: Hey everybody. As you know Halloween is coming up fast.
DR. CHALMERS: (as a magician) Even if you don't like wearing ridiculous outfits.
NIKKI: (as a skeleton) And even if your neighbours are actually strangers.
SAM: Like ours.
DR. CHALMERS: You'll still want to take this opportunity, to demand they give you free candy.
GRIGGS: (with giant french fries on his head?) Yeah, and ammo.
SAM: No Griggs, just candy.
GRIGGS: Yeah, ammo made'a candy. Like nuget bullets. Score.
SAM: First, you're going to need a decent costume.
NIKKI: You don't wanna spend too much money though.
DR. CHALMERS: That would just defeat the purpose of gettin' free candy corn!
TOVAR: (as clown) Yai, Tovar is having inexpensive idea for costumay.
WADE: (as a cow dressed as a cowboy) You could make a toga outta bedsheets.
TOVAR: Nai, Tovar no have bed, is sleeping on rug made of yak hair.
NIKKI: You can dress as a witch really cheaply. Just wear all black and carry a broom.
TOVAR: Yai, if wanting to look like goth maid. Could also listen to The Cure while scrubbing toilet.
SAM: Then whadda you suggest Tovar?
TOVAR: Tovar has bestest solution for costumay yet! A mustachio!
DR. CHALMERS: Mustaffa who?
TOVAR: Mustachio! Is easy to grow, and looking good on all persons. Plus, have many option! For instances, cowboy mustachio, fancy mustachio, milk mustachio, or like Tovar- sexy mustachio! Plus, can offer rides instead of candy. Is even looking good on the ladies. ...You remind me of my mother.
NIKKI: Oh gross.
SAM: Now that you have a costume you need to know the right way to ask for candy.
DR. CHALMERS: Take a look at these examples. See if you can spot the right approach.
Example A
GRIGGS: Gimme candy or I'll punch you.
Example B
GRIGGS: Trick or treat. Guess what the trick is: gimme candy, or I'll punch you!
Example C
GRIGGS: I told you I want some candy, and now it's punchin' time! (jumps him and starts wailing) ...CANDY!
Back to reality
GRIGGS: Huah! Candy!
SAM: Okay. None of those were correct.
GRIGGS: Still got my candy ya dumb hippie. Score.
DR. CHALMERS: Of course, if you do get no treat, you must trick, but trick wisely.
Example A
TOVAR: Hallo is Tovar waiting to have candy or trick- wait you have something on your sh- (slaps Wade in the nose) Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo...
WADE: Hee hee, you look like Tovar, yeah.
TOVAR: Hoo that's funny.
Example B
TOVAR: Hello, am knocking on door just to shake hand.
WADE: (shocked by hand buzzer) Huh is my hand.
Example C
TOVAR: Hello, is not suspicious. (throws a water balloon in Griggs' face.
GRIGGS: Uuhh, what the-
TOVAR: Oohoohaha.
GRIGGS: Hgh! (jumps him and starts beating on him)
TOVAR: Ooh ooh, my trick, my trick!
Back to reality
TOVAR: Tovar is also suggesting burn down person's house for extra good trick!
Cut to Tovar burning down someone's house
TOVAR: Oh-ho is funny, is national joke of my country.
SAM: Tovar that is not an acceptable trick.
DR. CHALMERS: That's right. Unless you live in Detroit.
SAM: It's not acceptable there either!
NIKKI: Tovar, why don't you just TP the guy's yard or something?
TOVAR: Yai, Tovar can no afford toilet paper. Is more expensive than paper money from Tovar's country.
NIKKI: Okay, that's scary.
DR. CHALMERS: It is halloween.
SAM: Hey Nikki, what're you doing here anyway? We thought you mysteriously died.
DR. CHALMERS: Hey where'd you get that scaaary costume?
NIKKI: Costume? I'm not wearing a costume.
GRIM REAPER: Hgggg, me neither.
EVERYONE EXCEPT TOVAR: Ahhh!
TOVAR: Yai!!!
GRIGGS: You guys are a buncha halloweenies. Heh-heh, get it? Halloween plus weenie equals you. Huh huh, score that was awesome. Now everybody give me your candy or it's punchin' time! You first Grim Reaper! And no raisins. Or pennies. Unless they're those like, you know, chocolate covered pennies. 'Cause those would be awesome. Score. Some money and food all at once.


The Strangerhood
Episode 1: The Pitch

* Fade in to Sam in the office of Catherine and Dutchmiller *
CATHERINE:We can't tell you how excited the studio is to bring your vision to the big screen.
SAM:Thanks. I hope you can understand I prefer to work independantly.
DUTCHMILLER:Of course, independantly within the system.
CATHERINE:So, tell us about this movie you want to make.
* Cut to a poster for a movie called THE COMPANY *
SAM:Well, I want this film to be gritty, urban, to have an edge.
DUTCHMILLER:Yes, an edge, and a funny sidekick.
* One of the characters in the poster turns in to a guy wearing a shirt saying "Female Body Inspector" *
SAM:What? No! No comedy, it needs to be totally raw, like Reservoir Dogs.
CATHERINE:Ooh, a dog would make a great sidekick.
* Another character in the poster turns in to a guy in a dog costume *
SAM:No sidekicks!
DUTCHMILLER:Well a dog can't be a romantic lead, I mean seriously.
* Cut to a poster for a movie called SIT, STAY, FOREVER (You'll woof till you cry)
SAM:No dogs either!
CATHERINE:Okay fine, we'll use cats. Anything to satisfy your vision.
SAM:This isn't even a real film!
DUTCHMILLER:You're right! We're going to shoot digital and save a fortune!
CATHERINE:Sounds purrfect.
SAM:Oh son of a bi-
DUTCHMILLER:Hey, snappy title!
* Cut to a poster for a movie called Son... of a Bitch! (from the director of: H. E. Double-Hockey-Sticks) *


The Strangerhood
Episode 2: Statistically Speaking

* Fade in to Sam pitching his movie to Dutchmiller and Catherine *
DUTCHMILLER:So good news everybody, the new draft of the screenplay scored through the roof with the focus groups.
CATHERINE:Huge numbers.
SAM:Great.
CATHERINE:Very big.
DUTCHMILLER:Just one small problem. Noone likes the characters.
SAM:Which ones?
CATHERINE:Any of them.
SAM:But it's a character-driven story.
DUTCHMILLER:And they're not crazy about the story either.
SAM:Okay. I might be able to change one or two characters to be more appealing.
CATHERINE:Sure, just one or two.
DUTCHMILLER:Or seven.
CATHERINE:Just rework the main characters.
DUTCHMILLER:And the supporting ones.
CATHERINE:And the extras.
DUTCHMILLER:Basically anyone who talks or appears on screen.
SAM:Any suggestions?
CATHERINE:Ooh, I know: what if the main character was an evil cyborg, hell bent on revenge?
* Cut to an evil cyborg hell bent on revenge *
SAM:Instead of a twelve year old altar boy?
* Cut to a woman and her child of indescriminate gender walking in to a church *
* Cyborg altar boy becomes hell bent on revenge *
SAM:But how would I tell the rest of the story?
DUTCHMILLER:You could use a narrator- wait! A time travelling narrator.
CATHERINE:I smell a People's Choice award. It smells like roses made of money.
* Cut to a movie poster: From the robot who brought you "Mechanical Messiah" comes his unique vision of the future CYBORG ALTAR BOY *


The Strangerhood
Episode 3: Punk 'til I Puke

* Fade in to Sam still pitching to Dutchmiller and Catherine *
DUTCHMILLER:So your new idea, this film, it's so... what's the word I'm searching for here?
CATHERINE:Street?
DUTCHMILLER:No.
CATHERINE:Dope?
DUTCHMILLER:No.
CATHERINE:Tight?
DUTCHMILLER:Uh uh.
CATHERINE:Mad tight.
DUTCHMILLER:No, that's not it.
CATHERINE:The bomb?
DUTCHMILLER:Nope.
CATHERINE:The explosion?
DUTCHMILLER:Noooo.
CATHERINE:The ka-boom?
DUTCHMILLER:Nope.
CATHERINE:Off the hook?
DUTCHMILLER:No.
CATHERINE:Off the heezie fo sheezie?
DUTCHMILLER:Oh no.
CATHERINE:The bizzong?
DUTCHMILLER:Nope, don't think so.
CATHERINE:That shiznizzle thing?
DUTCHMILLER:Hmm, wrong again.
CATHERINE:Mad dope with our key demographic?
DUTCHMILLER:It's punk! That's it, totally punk.
SAM:Yeah, it's a movie about punk rock.
CATHERINE:And it's mad tight, we're going to promote this in the biggest way possible. On the for real tip!
DUTCHMILLER:Imagine this: Everyone at the premiere wears purple mohawks. How punk is that?
* Cut to the premiere of "Totally Punk: The Movie!" with 48 people (yes, I counted) wearing purple mohawks and loitering *
SAM:That's not punk at all.
CATHERINE:I know, I'm going to burn my bra.
DUTCHMILLER:Fantastic!
SAM:That's not punk either!
DUTCHMILLER:Let's all burn our bras!
CATHERINE:Ooh yes, and let's all get tattoos of the name of the film!
* Dutchmiller, Catherine and Sam appear one by one against a blank background with the name of the movie tattooed on their forearms. Sam looks unimpressed *
SAM:No no no!
* Dutchmiller dials his cellphone *
CATHERINE:We'll be hardcore ink.
NIKKI:(on other end of Dutchmiller's cell phone) Hello?
DUTCHMILLER:Nikki! I need three hundred bras by noon. Right, usual place.
NIKKI:Uh huh? Sure.
DUTCHMILLER:Just have them put it on my account.
NIKKI:Got it.
* Cut to the bra bonfire at the premiere of Totally Punk. Sam is crying in to his hands *


The Strangerhood
Episode 4: Reality Check

* Cut in to a documentary-style shot of people in the movie dudes' office *
NIKKI:It was good, but there was no famous people in it.
DUTCHMILLER:Hey, it's the director! Sam, we'd like you to meet the focus group that evaluated your wonderful terrible movie.
WADE:Which movie was yours, dude?
SAM:The one where you wanted to turn my main character in to a cyborg.
WADE:...Can you be more specific?
DR. CHALMERS:This is ridiculous anyway. These forms make no sense.
SAM:Forms?
GRIGGS:There's a space for character development but not one for car chases, what gives?
DR. CHALMERS:Look here: on my form, you misspelled 'explosions' as 'exposition.' Now that's just careless.
DUTCHMILLER:We need new forms.
DR. CHALMERS:And where's the checkbox for more nudity?
DUTCHMILLER:We need new forms immediately!
SAM:Why am I even here? I really don't need to meet the focus group.
CATHERINE:Yes you do, because you're going to be living with them for the next six months!
SAM:What?
DUTCHMILLER:The studio's television group came up with a great promotional idea for your film!
CATHERINE:A documentary style reality show sitcom starring you and the focus group.
DUTCHMILLER:Don't you just love it?
CATHERINE:You're on T.V. right now!
* Sam is viewed through a video camera with the filming outline and everything *
SAM:This is ridiculous!
* Text on black screen: From the producers of "Celebrity Surgeons" comes the latest reality television phenomenon. *
* Shot of Wade and Dr. Chalmers beating the crap out of each other *
* Text on black screen: "What a total piece of... good... television show" -Whamdangler Monthly *
* Shot of Wade shouldering Dr. Chalmers in the stomach *
* Text on black screen: "This show blows... away... the... others" -The Internet *
* Wade and Dr. Chalmers continuing to fight with Sam next to them with his head in his hands under a title "Unfocused" *
* More fighting between Wade and Dr. Chalmers *
RANDOM CAT:Reaow!!!


The Strangerhood
Episode 5: Reinventing the Wagon Wheel

* Cut in to a theater with the title screen from The Old Wagon on the screen, with Dutchmiller and Catherine standing at the front facing Griggs, Dr. Chalmers, Sam, Wade and Nikki *
DUTCHMILLER:So Sam, this turn of the century period piece you've written, it's great. Good, really okay, somewhat below average, everyone hates it.
CATHERINE:The focus group thinks it just needs a little something extra.
SAM:Extra?
CATHERINE:Griggs, why don't you share your idea?
* Griggs stands up in the aisle and faces Sam *
GRIGGS:Guns.
SAM:Guns? Just because it's set in the old west doesn't mean it has to be a shootemup.
GRIGGS:Uh, lasers.
SAM:Lasers? I don't even think light bulbs had been invented.
GRIGGS:Knives? No wait- laser knives.
DUTCHMILLER:Brilliant! I can already see the toys.
* Cut to some kid I'll arbitrarily name Billy looking at the action figure for Apollo Adamson from The Old Wagon - with some plastic rope *
BILLY:Aw...
* Now with Lazer Knives! *
BILLY:Yay!!!
SAM:This doesn't make sense.
DR. CHALMERS:I think the old wagon should be a spaceship.
WADE:Dude! Yeah! And it should also have lasers too man!
* Cut to a shot of the wagon, which is subsequently blasted to bits from the lasers of a spaceship I will also arbitrarily name Billy, which then lands *
BILLY:Howdy partners.
WADE:Blasterenies man!
CATHERINE:Why not? Lasers for everyone!
DR. CHALMERS:He-hey!
WADE:A laser wagon man!
DR. CHALMERS:Hoorah!
WADE:I would totally drive one of those.


The Strangerhood
Episode 6: Exception Speech

* Fade in to everyone at the front of the theater *
SAM:What makes you people even think you're qualified to judge my movie?
DR. CHALMERS:Qualifications? I don't have to qualify my qualities. I'm naturally critically-minded.
WADE:Me too man! I've seen like every summer blockbuster ever, and fer the good ones, I was like "Whoa!"
SAM:And what about the bad ones?
WADE:I was like, whoa.
CATHERINE:We have an extensive screening process.
WADE:Did you say screening process? I gotta go.
DR. CHALMERS:Now, see here! I did not consent to a medical test. I will not be poked and prodded for your amusement.
CATHERINE:Actually you did. It was one of the checkboxes in the movie evaluation form.
GRIGGS:Dammit! Tricked by multiple choice again.
DR. CHALMERS:Okay, prod away. Feel free to giggle!
SAM:I can't be part of this, this is not what filmmaking is about. This is a travesty, you're destroying my vision!
DUTCHMILLER:Sam, Sam, if by "travesty" you mean "the road to worldwide fame and stardom"-
CATHERINE:And if by "destroying" you mean "filling with sex and money"-
DR. CHALMERS:Then you're exactly right.
SAM:... I want my own parking space.
DUTCHMILLER:You have high standards.
CATHERINE:What a directorial genius. Mwah!
* Cut to the 75th Semi-Monthly Golden Cyborg Awards And Celebrity Bake-off *
* Sam's movie starts playing. A UFO lands in the desert in front of a punk with a purple mohawk, and a robotic dog comes down the ramp *
GUY:Alright lazer-dog, we settle this once and for all. Now on my count of three, we draw g-
DOG:Ruff.
GUY:We draw gun-
DOG:Ruff.
GUY:Stop it-
DOG:Ruff.
GUY:Stop interrupting me.
DOG:Ruff.
GUY:No, no-
DOG:Ruff.
GUY:-bad, bad dog-
DOG:Ruff.
GUY:Heel!
DOG:Ruff.
GUY:Stay.
DOG:Ruff.
GUY:Sit.
DOG:Ruff.
GUY:Enough!
DOG:Ruff.
GUY:On my count of three, we draw guns, and fight, to the finish.
DOG:Ruff.
GUY:One... two... three.
* Dog wins *
GUY:Ngh ngh! Nnnnnnnngh, ngh-
DOG:Ruff, ruff.
* Fades to an award screen: Best Picture Winner: Punk Cyborg Lazer Dog Spaceship Cat Wagon: The Movie *
* Dissolves to the cast behind the podium, with Sam looking rather ...ashamed *
* Spin to newspaper: Punk Cyborg Lazer Dog Spaceship Cat Wagon: The Movie sweeps Golden Cyborg Awards! *


PANICS
Episode 1: Enter Frank

Fade in to a soldier peering around a corner
SOME SOLDIER: Alright, all clear, mov'er up.
SECOND SOLDIER: Roger that.
A couple soldiers shuffle in to position
SECOND SOLDIER: Bravo 2, you assist Bravo 1. Bravo 3, I need you to secure the perimiter and make sure everyone's locked and loaded.
THIRD SOLDIER WITH FRANK WRITTEN ACROSS THE BACK OF HIS JACKET: It was first mission with Bravo Squad. We'd been called in to investigate some paranormal activity around an old warehouse. Something about a little girl ghost. I guess they figured five guys with guns could handle one little girl. I only hoped they were right.
FOURTH SOLDIER WEARING A GAS MASK: Hey man, would you just shut up already?
SECOND SOLDIER: Bravo 3 hey, three! You listenin' to me?
BRAVO 3: Sorry Chief, the new guy's doing that wild narrating stuff again. Keeps distracting me.
CHIEF: Frank...
FRANK: Yes Sir?
CHIEF: I thought I told you to stop talkin' to yourself.
FRANK: Oh. Sorry, it just helps calm me down. ...I'm nervous.
FIRST SOLDIER: Well chew some gum or somethin'. That running commentary's freakin' me out.
FIFTH SOLDIER: Yeah. And don't talk about me in the past tense. That's rude.
BRAVO 3: And don't call me the gas mask guy. I have a name you know. It's Bravo 3!
FRANK: Sorry everybody, sorry, it's just my first day and I'm a little nervous, alright? I know it's hard to believe but I've never actually seen a ghost before.
FIFTH SOLDIER: Neither have we, but you don't hear us making monologues about how dark the hallway is, or how it always feels like somethin's right behind us.
FIRST SOLDIER: Okay, now you're freakin' me out, stop it you assholes!
FRANK: You guys haven't seen a ghost before? I thought that's what this squad does! Hunts ghosts and weird stuff!
BRAVO 3: Just because we hunt some freaky-ass shit, doesn't mean we ever find anything.
FIFTH SOLDIER: I don't even believe in ghosts.
FRANK: What!?
FIRST SOLDIER: Me neither.
FRANK: Well then what do you guys do all the time?
FIRST SOLDIER: We collect the easiest paycheck on Earth, that's what we do.
BRAVO 3: Yep. Some secretary'll feel a chill down her spine, or a coffee mug moves across the conference table, they call us in.
FIFTH SOLDIER: We show up, look around, say we saw some weird stuff, and that we chased it off, case closed, Miller time!
BRAVO 3: Let's have a cold one.
CHIEF: I do still have to write reports.
FRANK: You guys are a bunch of phonies! This is ridiculous!
FIRST SOLDIER: I'll tell you what's ridiculous, they arm us with a machine gun capable of firing three hundred rounds a second, and they expect us to use it to fight spirits? Hai mean, come on, what's this thing gonna do? I may as well try to stab it with a dinner fuck!
He gets dragged off by something
CHIEF: What the hell is a dinner fuck? Bravo 1? Hey, where's Bravo 1?
BRAVO 3: He was standin' right there a second ago.
CHIEF: I didn't ask where he was a second ago, I'm askin' where he is now.
FIFTH SOLDIER: Alright, calm down, I'm sure there's a logical explanation for all of this.
BRAVO 1: (screaming from around the corner where he was dragged off to) Oh my God, no! No OW! AHHH! Whaaaaaaaow!
BRAVO 2 (BY PROCESS OF ELIMINATION): For instance-
BRAVO 1: I'm gonna die!
BRAVO 2: Maybe he decided to go in the next room.
BRAVO 1: Somebody help me!
BRAVO 2: And make bone crunching noises?
BRAVO 1: AAAOW!
BRAVO 2: And scream at the top of his lungs.
BRAVO 1: Oh my God that was my leg!
FRANK: So when's the part when we say we-
BRAVO 1: Oh!
FRANK: pretend like we chased it away?
BRAVO 1: That's higher up on the same leg, AHH!
CHIEF: Oh man, I am really not lookin' forward to writin' the report on this one.
BRAVO 1: Oh my God, if someone doesn't help me I'm not gonna be alive, OOOOHH! Oh my God I'm gonna die, I need help! Ahahahahahohow, ohohohohoohw, ohow!


PANICS
Episode 2: Who Wants The Wing?

Fade in to most of Bravo Team still waiting in the hallway
BRAVO 1: (from wherever he is) (screams) Oh God that one hurt!
FRANK: Shouldn't we try to help him!?
BRAVO 1: Oh, somebody help me!
CHIEF: Okay, hold on, we don't know for sure that he is in trouble. Come in Bravo 1, do you need assistance? Hmm, no answer. I guess we should assume he's okay.
FRANK: He's screaming! What else do you need to hear?
BRAVO 1: If someone doesn't help me I'm gonna freaking die!
FRANK: There, see!?
BRAVO 3: Bravo 1's a cool customer. He'll probably work through it on his own.
BRAVO 1: Oh it just ate my leg!
FRANK: What ate your leg!? What ate his leg?
BRAVO 1: I needed my leg!
FRANK: He's gotta have his leg!
BRAVO 2: I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for all of this.
BRAVO 3: You always say that man.
BRAVO 2: Well, that's because there's always a logical explanation.
BRAVO 1: Ow! Owww!
BRAVO 3: What about the time we saw that spiral notebook? Floatin'. In mid air.
BRAVO 1: Oh my God why is someone talking about the notebook?
BRAVO 2: The window was open. The wind could have blown it off the table.
BRAVO 1: I need help!
BRAVO 3: Yeah, but that still doens't explain how the words "Get Out Bravo Team" suddenly appeared on one of the pages.
BRAVO 1: You're driving me freaking crazy, someone's gotta be able to hear me screaming. Ah! (gurgle gurgle gurgle)
BRAVO 2: Maybe it was on one of Alpha Team's notebook, those guys have always been jealous.
BRAVO 1: ...
FRANK: He's stopped. I think he's dead.
CHIEF: Bravo 1, I say again, do you need assistance?
BRAVO 1: ...
CHIEF: Yeah, he's dead. Maybe we should just-
BRAVO 1: Haow!
Everyone turns to look
CHIEF: Huh?
BRAVO 1: Why am I getting a call, on the radio? Oh my God, just come in here and start shooting! Owhowhow, ooh! Yah! This time I'm really gonna die, I mean it! (coughing) (gurgling) (ominous silence)
CHIEF: Okay, that's it, it's time to take some action here.
FRANK: Oh so now we're gonna take action. Great.
CHIEF: Bravo 3, I need you to go in that room, ascess the situation, and report back to me.
BRAVO 3: Uh, shouldn't we go in numerical order Chief?
CHIEF: What?
BRAVO 3: Well Bravo 1 went in first. Doesn't really make sense to send in Bravo 3, when clearly it's Bravo 2's turn.
BRAVO 2: Okay, that's bullshit.
BRAVO 3: Then why even have the numbers in the first place Bravo 2? You need to be thinking about the system.
BRAVO 2: Screw the system, in fact I think I just got promoted to Bravo 1, which makes you Bravo 2 now, so it's your turn!
BRAVO 3: I think even you have to realize what a poorly formed argument that is.
CHIEF: Well someone needs to go in there and evaluate the situation.
BRAVO 2: I can evaluate just fine from out here. We're in the hallway, and we're alive. Bravo 1 walked in to that room, and now he's about fifty different kinds of fucked up. That's the situation.
FRANK: He didn't walk in the room, he- he was pulled in by some unseen force!
BRAVO 2: I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for that.
FRANK: Stop saying that!
CHIEF: O-kay, I'm goin' in.
FRANK: Finally!
CHIEF: Men, you stay here. Frank, you're with me.
FRANK: Good idea. Wait- what?


PANICS
Episode 3: The Writing On The Walls

Fade in to Chief and Frank talking about what to do
CHIEF: Okay Frank, we'll go in side by side... mm, you first.
FRANK: Okay... (runs off)
CHIEF: You two stay here. If anything kills Frank, I'll scream the code-word 'corduroy', then you rush in.
BRAVO 3: Why the code-word, Chief, is Frank gettin' killed a secret?
CHIEF: I don't wanna lose the element of surprise.
BRAVO 3: What exactly are you surprising, the hypothetical thing that's already killin' Frank? Wouldn't it already know? And I think a code-word is just gonna be too hard to remember in a panic situation, what happens if you get mixed up?
CHIEF: Bravo 3, this overanalyzation's just gonna get someone hurt.
FRANK: Whoo! Hey Chief, get in here!
CHIEF: See? (runs off)
BRAVO 3: Damn. That's some wildass freaky shit Bravo 2.
BRAVO 2: I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for it all, right? Right?
BRAVO 3: Man, I don't even know why I talk to you sometimes.
BRAVO 2: If he yells corduroy, I'm fuckin' outta here!
BRAVO 3: Ditto.
Cut to Frank in another room (finally), with the walls covered in blood (wtf?)
FRANK: Chief, Chief!
CHIEF: Frank, what's wrong?
FRANK: What do you mean what's wrong? Look! There's blood everywhere!
CHIEF: Whoa, whose blood is it? Is it your blood Frank?
FRANK: No it's not my blood! If it was my blood I wouldn't be saying "Look at the blood," I would be saying "God help me I'm out of blood, someone get me more blood!"
CHIEF: Maybe it's Bravo 1's blood.
FRANK: Ya think!?
CHIEF: Oh come on now Frank, this is no time to get sarcastic. We have some unclaimed blood here.
FRANK: It goes around the corner. Maybe we should follow it.
CHIEF: Good idea Frank. You go check it out, and report back to me.
FRANK: (peering around the corner) I don't see anything. Just the same poorly lit hallways, and doorways with no doors. Man these decorators really had weird taste.
Ghostvision starts creeping up on Chief and laughing at him
CHIEF: What the- holy crap! Uh- denim! Polyester! Dammit Bravo 3, you jinxed me.
Chief is stripped of skin and tossed down on the ground as a skeleton
FRANK: What did you say Chief? Chief! Hey, where'd all your meat go?
Cut back to Bravo 2 and Bravo 3 behind the desk
BRAVO 2: Oh shit, I think I heard him yell it!
BRAVO 3: Nope. I definitely heard denim. My guess is some crafty ghost is tryin' to crack the code. That's one smartass poltergeist.
BRAVO 2: Okay well uh, I'm goin' to the car.
BRAVO 3: What for?
BRAVO 2: Who knows, maybe a zombie's tryin' to steal it.
BRAVO 3: Come on, man, what zombie's gonna wanna roll in a '72 Plymouth? Besides, I thought you didn't beleive in zombies.
BRAVO 2: Man, I'd believe in the Easter Bunny if it got me out of this hallway.
Ghostvision punches Bravo 3 in the head
BRAVO 3: What was that?
BRAVO 2: What was what?
BRAVO 3: Something hit me, something invisible.
BRAVO 2: Oh come on, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical-
Ghostvision punches Bravo 2 in the head
BRAVO 2: Holy shit! Punching ghosts!
BRAVO 3: Take that! (shoots out the picture behind Bravo 2)
BRAVO 2: Stop it, you're gonna kill somebody with that thing!
BRAVO 3: Alright then, let's do this thing, mano y mano. (puts down the gun and puts up his dukes) Come on bitch.
BRAVO 2: (also puts down his gun) Yeah, bring it!
BRAVO 3: (ducking and weaving) Stick'n move, stick'n move! (throws a couple punches in to the air)
BRAVO 2: (does a jumping roundhouse kick) Hwaaa! (punches the air too) Come on, come on! Where the hell is he? Who's mah bitch now? Who's your daddy? These hands are lethal weapons!
FRANK: What're you doing?
Something punches Frank in the face
FRANK: Ow, somethin' hit me!


PANICS
Episode 4: All Evil Things Must Come To An End...?

Fade in to Bravos 2 and 3 still punching the air, which they do for at least five full seconds while Frank watches and laughs inwardly... you know he's doing it
BRAVO 2: Is it gone? I think we scared it off!
BRAVO 3: We showed that punkass ghost. Don't tangle with Bravo Team... the baddest team around.
BRAVO 2: Hell yeah! Now let's run the fuck away!
FRANK: What if it's not gone?
BRAVO 3: Whaddaya mean?
FRANK: Well, it's invisible right? What if it's in the room with us right now!? In fact, for all we know, the ghost could have possessed someone in the group!
BRAVO 3: ...That's a good point, Frank.
Bravo 3 turns toward Bravo 2 and shoots him point blank in the face with a fucking shotgun
BRAVO 2: OW! What the hell?
FRANK: Oh God are you crazy!? What did you do that for?
BRAVO 3: It's like you said Frank, the ghost possessed one of us, and since the ghost wouldn't tell us its plan, I knew you weren't possessed. And since I was positive I wasn't possessed, then logically it must have been Bravo 2.
FRANK: But it was just a guess!
BRAVO 3: Not really, I thought it through pretty carefully. You want me to go through it again?
FRANK: No, I mean I was guessing!
BRAVO 3: Oh. Then maybe you should have said that.
FRANK: I did!
BRAVO 3: I don't know, Frank, you sounded pretty confident to me.
FRANK: Look, let's just get out of here. Come on!
BRAVO 3: What about the Chief?
FRANK: Oh, right. He's dead.
BRAVO 3: It seems like you would have mentioned this earlier.
FRANK: When, when we were boxing the ghost? Or when you were randomly killing people?
BRAVO 3: Hmm. You seem to have a pretty good understanding of everything that's going on. (reloads) Frank.
FRANK: Wait a second-
BRAVO 3: No you wait. It's pretty convenient that a bunch of wild stuff started happening the day you showed up. Everyone seems to die when they get alone with you.
FRANK: Bravo 1 wasn't alone with me, and you killed Bravo 2!
BRAVO 3: Because you told me to.
FRANK: That was just a guess!
BRAVO 3: Well, you're not fooling me again you crafty ghost. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice? (cocks the shotgun) Shame on ghost.
FRANK: No!
Frank ducks and turns away as Bravo 3 shoots over his head, and is then pulled off screen
BRAVO 3: Huu, huh o huuu!
Frank turns around to see Bravo 3 nailed to the wall several feet off the ground
FRANK: What happened!?
BRAVO 3: It got me Frank.
FRANK: Man I really need to start paying better attention.
BRAVO 3: You wanna help me down man? I think I can make it.
FRANK: I don't know man, you look like shit. And those spikes look like they go all the way through. Y- you know you're not really a doctor, I mean I- I don't know if you're qualified to say who's gonna make it and who isn't.
BRAVO 3: That's a good point Frank, I really should have stayed in school. I guess my Mom was wrong.
FRANK: Ooh, ooh, wh- why don't I go get a doctor, and I'll uh, you know bring him back?
BRAVO 3: I don't- don't- mbruuuuh
Ghostvision watches Frank turn directly toward it
FRANK: Well you know what? I think I'm just gonna run away. Seeya! ...Oh crap.
Fade to black, and a random swish sound, then fade in to two new soldiers coming up the ramp
RADIO VOICE: Alright Alpha Team, we don't want any mistakes. Just get in there and find out what happened to Bravo Squad.
Alpha 2 runs in ahead of Alpha 1 to see Frank kneeling in the corner
ALPHA 2: I got a survivor here!
ALPHA 1: Command, we got one.
COMMAND: Roger that.
ALPHA 1: Hey Bravo 4, where's the rest of your team?
FRANK: (sounding like a teenager going through puberty) They're dead... They're all dead. It took their bodies.
ALPHA 1: Prep him for evac. I'll keep looking.
ALPHA 2: Bravo 4, can you move?
FRANK: Yeah, but don't call me Bravo 4. My name is, Fraaank.
Camera zooms in on Frank and gives him red eye
ALPHA 2: Well hey Frank, your eyes are kinda red. You want some eye drops?
FRANK: That's okay.
ALPHA 2: Your voice is raspy too.
FRANK: I need some water.


1-800 Magic
Episode 1

Several people of different races approach each other stealthily, by which I mean making all kinds of noise with their feet. A firefight ensues, during which one of the characters discovers his gun no longer shoots anything
GUY:Crap.
A phone rings a few times
TECH SUPPORT:Tech support.
GUY:Yeah... yeah my-h, my weapon's jammed. Ugh.
TECH SUPPORT:Okay, no problem. You know what model you're running today?
GUY:Yeah it's a-
A bullet hits very near his crotch
GUY:Ugh. U-e-ough, uh.
TECH SUPPORT:You sound busy. Maybe you should call back at another time.
GUY:H-H-4-5! My my gun, my gun's an H-H-4-5.
TECH SUPPORT:Hey ah, do you know what software version you're runnin'.
GUY:I uh...
TECH SUPPORT:Sir?
GUY:Thi this thing runs software?
TECH SUPPORT:Okay, you know what? Let's go ahead and restart. I want you to eject the mag, then I want you to press and hold the trigger for sixty seconds that's six zero. Can you do that?
GUY:Sixty seconds? Ah-are are you kidding me uh- I'm in the middle of a firefight.
Cut to some trolls, all missing part of their right horn, one of which is shooting a minigun at the other team
TROLL 1:Alright, let's do this right.
GUY:(in background) We're getting murdered here.
TROLL 1:Boss says we can't make any mistakes this time.
TROLL 2:How come this time?
TROLL 1:Huh?
TROLL 2:Well, I mean like he always says that. I mean, at what point is he gonna say "Okay, this time guys you can totally fuck everything up if you want to"?
THIRD GUY:(in background) Okay, that was really close. I mean it!
TROLL 1:Yeah, sarcasm.
GUY:(in background) They keep-
TROLL 1:That helps.
GUY:(in background) They keep doing it to me.
Cut back to Tech Support
TECH SUPPORT:Still holdin' down that trigger?
GUY:Uh yes.
TECH SUPPORT:Okay 'bout thirty more seconds.
GUY:Jesus, wh-why does this thing take so long?
TECH SUPPORT:Yeah we designed it that way because uh, we charge by the minute for the tech support.
GUY:...
TECH SUPPORT:Just kidding, sorta.
Cut back to the trolls as Troll 3 stops firing to reload
GUY:(in background) I don't know how much longer I can hold down this trigger.
TROLL 2:It's like he presupposes that every time we go on a mission we turn in to some bumbling troupe of idiots.
GUY:(in background) How much longer!?
TROLL 2:I mean, why can't he say something like-
GUY:(in background) It's gotta be totally time!
TROLL 2:I don't know, this time go out there and accomplish an error-free mission objective, like you always do.
GUY:(in background) The baby he's got at the end of this wall is going to bake me.
TROLL 1:Why the hell would he say that?
TROLL 2:I don't know dude, maybe because some positive reinforcement wouldn't be the end of the god damn world.
Troll 3 starts firing again
GUY:Is it sixty seconds yet?!
Cut back to tech support
TECH SUPPORT:Okay give it a sec, go ahead and reinsert your mag-
The guy inserts a fresh mag
TECH SUPPORT:And let it roll.
The guy charges bravely out in to combat, past the screaming tracer bullets from the minigun, and fires away... and his gun doesn't work
The Tech Support phone rings again
TECH SUPPORT:Tech support.
GUY:God damn let it roll? Let what roll? Certainly not my rifle, that's for fricking sure. Son of a mother fucking-
TECH SUPPORT:Sir there's no reason to get upset.
GUY:I wanna talk to your manager right now.
TECH SUPPORT:Sir there's no need to-
GUY:Right now.
TECH SUPPORT:...Alright, one moment. ... This is the manager, how can I help you today?
GUY:...This is the same guy with a funny voice.
TECH SUPPORT:No Sir, this is the manager.
GUY:You've gotta be kidding me.
TECH SUPPORT:What seems to be the problem?
GUY:You know the problem!
TECH SUPPORT:No Sir, we've never talked before. So I don't know what you're referring to.
GUY:My weapon, is jammed.
TECH SUPPORT:Have you restarted?
GUY:You know I've restarted!
TECH SUPPORT:Sir?
GUY:Son of a- yes I've restarted.
TECH SUPPORT:Well have you checked your clip?
GUY:Clip? Why would I- Wait. Are- are you implying I'm out of bullets?
TECH SUPPORT:Well aren'tcha?
GUY:No!
TECH SUPPORT:According to the readout it says you're outta bullets.
GUY:Readout!? Are you kidding me?
TECH SUPPORT:Sir, whatever the readout states becomes policy, please.
GUY:What? What does that even mean?
TECH SUPPORT:Sir, never disparage the readout.
GUY:This is unbelievable.
The guy turns around
GUY:Hit me!
ELF:What!? Bidderman, what did you say?
BIDDERMAN:Throw me a mag!
The elf throws Bidderman a mag in very cool slow motion, and Bidderman inserts it in to his weapon
BIDDERMAN:Time to finish this.
Once again, Bidderman runs bravely screaming toward enemy gunfire
TROLL 3:Rwawr.
Troll 3 continues firing at the approaching Bidderman until Bidderman vanishes in to thin air, and everyone looks on with dropped jaws and total surprise
TROLL 3:He did it again.
TROLL 2:Beakman did it again.
TROLL 3:He did it again.
TROLL 1:He did it again!
TROLL 2:Beakman-
TROLL 1:My god he did it again.
TROLL 4 (BEAKMAN):I'm magical. I'm... the one.


1-800 Magic
Episode 2

Bidderman materializes amid a field of floating debris, and moans a lot
VOICE:You, are The One.
BIDDERMAN:What? Where are you? Show yourself.
VOICE:Fate has brought you here, Michael Bidderman.
BIDDERMAN:Ho-ly crap. Is that voice coming from that tree?
TREE:Yes.
BIDDERMAN:...Seriously?
TREE:You, are a holder of The Magic.
BIDDERMAN:What? But there's no such thing as magic.
TREE:You're talking to a glowing tree.
BIDDERMAN:You make a good point. But wait!- How, how can that be?
TREE:Because of your Essence.
BIDDERMAN:Essence... Isn't that like a, shampoo?
TREE:It's a magical force.
BIDDERMAN:No no, I... I have no essence.
TREE:Yes you do, everybody has essence.
BIDDERMAN:I don't.
TREE:Yes you do, here, look.
Bidderman is magically transported to a world where large blue things enjoy beating up glowing blue fire that looks vaguely like a river
BIDDERMAN:What the fuck.
Bidderman is magically transported back to the world that makes more sense, where trees glow green and speak to you
BIDDERMAN:Don't, do that!
TREE:I didn't do that... You did that.
BIDDERMAN:What?
TREE:Oh um, one other thing, you're on the wrong side.
BIDDERMAN:What?
TREE:Um just tell them Frank sent you?
BIDDERMAN:What? Who's Frank?
Bidderman is magically transported away, and we cut to the firefight from Episode 1, with Troll 3 firing the minigun at the Elf and the third guy who are bravely cowering behind boxes
BEAKMAN:I, am the magic.
THIRD GUY:I am the magic? What the fuck was that?
ELF:Do you smell bacon?
THIRD GUY:What just happened to Bidderman?
ELF:Why does it smell like bacon?
THIRD GUY:Okay, let's, let's not panic. I brought a cyanide pill for each of us.
ELF:What?
THIRD GUY:Okay Johnson, lay down some cover fire.
A convenient gunshot hits Johnson, the Elf
JOHNSON:Ow! Fuck you, you lay down some cover fire.
THIRD GUY:What's the deal, Johnson? You think that that guy is magical.
JOHNSON:I do not.
THIRD GUY:Yes you do. You think that guy is magical.
JOHNSON:I do not! I do not think that guy is magical. There is no such thing as magic.
As if on cue, Bidderman returns to the scene, almost magically
BIDDERMAN:Aaaah! Uhh. Oh.
JOHNSON:Bidderman?
TROLL 3:It's him!
THIRD GUY:You're back!
JOHNSON:And you smell like bacon! Why do you smell like bacon?
TROLL 1:Blast him!
Troll 3 resumes firing the minigun at Bidderman, who keeps magically zapping out of the line of fire
BIDDERMAN:Aaah! Huhh! Why!? Please stop- uh! I think that was the last time-
Cut to our bickering friends Trolls 1 and 2
BIDDERMAN:(in background) Dee! Ah!
TROLL 2:Why do you always say that?
BIDDERMAN:(in background: Run!
TROLL 1:Say what?
TROLL 2:You know-
BIDDERMAN:(in background) Uh!
TROLL 2:-"Blast him."
TROLL 1:What should I say?
TROLL 2:I don't know. How about something like-
BIDDERMAN:(falling down in the background) Uuuuh!
TROLL 2:-"Eliminate the acquisition target."
BIDDERMAN:(in background) I keep moving!
TROLL 1:What?
BIDDERMAN:(in background) Again!?
TROLL 1:You want me to say, "eliminate the question target?"
Bidderman materializes right behind them
BIDDERMAN:Aaaaaaah!
TROLL 2:Blast him!
TROLL 1:Eliminate the question target!
The two Trolls fire aimlessly at him, missing entirely as he zaps away
TROLL 2:No you're right, blast him is better.
Back to the other guys
JOHNSON:Okay what now, genius?
THIRD GUY:Maybe we should fall back.
JOHNSON:What!? Why!?
THIRD GUY:We're out-manned, we're out-gunned!
JOHNSON:And?
TROLL 3:You're out-magicked! That's right bitches! You're out-magicked. So suck it! Nobody fucks with Beakman! My man Beakman is the one!
BEAKMAN:Yeah, that's right! I'm the one. Nobody fucks with me! You've been- out-Beakmaaaned-
As Beakman finishes speaking, a bullet goes through his head, throwing him back in a needlessly slow motion death fall
BEAKMAN:Noooooooooo...
On a scaffolding, Bidderman reloads his sniper rifle
BEAKMAN:Yoouuuuu aaaaassshooooooooole...
BIDDERMAN:How's that for magic you dickheads?
Beakman finally lands on the ground
TROLL 2:...
TROLL 1:...Huh, Beakman got shot.
TROLL 2:Weird. ...You think he's hurt?
THIRD GUY:Bidderman!
JOHNSON:Bidderman you're back!
THIRD GUY:You did it! Don't ever leave us again Bidderman.
JOHNSON:You did it!
BIDDERMAN:Yeaaah, that's right! I did it! Me! Bidderman! And there's nobody, and nothing, that can stop me now!-
Right as he finishes, he's pulled backwards by magic and vanishes again
THIRD GUY:Oh god dammit.
JOHNSON:There's that bacon smell again. Okay. Now I'm getting hungry.


1-800 Magic
Episode 3

Cut in to Tech Support talking with the Third Guy. The person on the other end of the line is always speaking gibberish
TECH SUPPORT:Uh huh? Yeah? Yeeah?
THIRD GUY:Huh? Yeah? Uh huh? What- uhuh!
TECH SUPPORT:Ungh? Uh-uh.
THIRD GUY: Yes.
TECH SUPPORT:Nope.
THIRD GUY:Whaaa?
TECH SUPPORT:Ih uh.
THIRD GUY:No.
TECH SUPPORT:Aww. Neh-
THIRD GUY:What?
TECH SUPPORT:Ah right.
THIRD GUY:Oooooh.
TECH SUPPORT:...Uh uh.
THIRD GUY:Oh.
JOHNSON:What's he saying. What's he saying?
TECH SUPPORT:Euhh?
THIRD GUY:Uh huh?
TECH SUPPORT:Gotcha.
THIRD GUY:He says there's no such thing as magic.
JOHNSON:But Bidderman just teleported. Tell him Bidderman just teleported.
TECH SUPPORT:Yeah, according to the readout Bidderman didn't teleport.
THIRD GUY:What?
TECH SUPPORT:He was just experiencing some minor lag in the system.
THIRD GUY:What are you kidding me? Minor lag in the system? That guy teleported and you've got- What? No I don't wanna talk to your Manager.
TECH SUPPORT:From your point of view it just seemed like he teleported.
THIRD GUY:From my point of view it seemed like he fucking exploded!
JOHNSON:You should tell him about the bacon smell.
TECH SUPPORT:But really it was lag.
THIRD GUY:Was not.
TECH SUPPORT:Ah, one other thing.
THIRD GUY:No, nothin' else!
TECH SUPPORT:Now that uh, Bidderman has teleported-
THIRD GUY:You mean lagged?
TECH SUPPORT:...right. If he asks back on the team, say no.
THIRD GUY:What?
Cut to Bidderman appearing from nowhere somewhere else, now in front of the tree again.
BIDDERMAN:Aaaaaah! ...Oh god dammit.
TREE:You have many questions, Michael Bidderman.
BIDDERMAN:I do?
TREE:But behold... for I have brought you your teacher. And mentor. The one that will show you the way.
BIDDERMAN:Mentor?
TREE:Rejoice! For his name be... Beakman.
BIDDERMAN:What?
TREE:Beakman is, his name is Beakman.
BIDDERMAN:Uh huh.
TREE:He's a great guy-
BIDDERMAN:Oh man.
TREE:A father of three-
BIDDERMAN:Crap.
TREE:Oh and he holds a charity auction every Spring for-
BIDDERMAN:Yeah... Uhm...
TREE:What.
BIDDERMAN:Uhh yeah, I think I killed that guy.
TREE:What?
BIDDERMAN:Uh, you see what had happened was uh...
TREE:Are you fucking kidding me?
BIDDERMAN:Hey they they were shooting at us.
TREE:You are retarded!
BIDDERMAN:Very awkward.
TREE:You killed Beakman.
BIDDERMAN:They, they they were taunting us, uh...
TREE:What did I say to you the last time we were here?
BIDDERMAN:Uh...
TREE:I said you were on the wrong side.
BIDDERMAN:Uh oops!
TREE:Wh-
BIDDERMAN:Uh.
TREE:What're you som- are you some kind of idiot?
BIDDERMAN:Uhhh...
TREE:Okay, you know what Mister Shooty-guy, you can just-
BIDDERMAN:But-
TREE:You can just figure it out on your own.
BIDDERMAN:But AHH!
Bidderman is teleported away and we cut to the Trolls standing over the eventually rotting corpse of Beakman
TROLL 3:Okay guys, we need to regroup.
TROLL 2:Aren't we more of a horde?
TROLL 3:Huh?
TROLL 1:What?
TROLL 2:Well like, instead of regroup, shouldn't we rehorde? You know grammatically speaking.
TROLL 1:How about "recollective"?
TROLL 3:...I like it, it's snappy.
Bidderman materializes behind Troll 3
BIDDERMAN:Ahhh...
TROLL 3:It's that guy that killed Beakman.
TROLL 1:Blast him. Wait, we did decide "blast him" is better, right?
TROLL 2:Yeah, blast him is-
TROLL 3:Smoke him.
TROLL 1:Wow.
TROLL 2:Yeah that's much cooler.
BIDDERMAN:Wait, wait. Um I- I uh I think, uh I think we're supposed to be on the same side.
TROLL 1:What?
TROLL 2:What?
TROLL 3:What makes you think that?
BIDDERMAN:I was talking to this um... guy, and um he said that we were uh, supposed to be on the uh, same side.
TROLL 3:What?
BIDDERMAN:Yeah, he said.
TROLL 3:You were talking to a guy...
BIDDERMAN:Yeah.
TROLL 3:And he said we were supposed to be on the same side.
BIDDERMAN:...He was special.
Cut to the view from the other end of the alley, over the Third Guy's shoulder
TROLL 3:A special guy told you that we were supposed to be on the same side.
THIRD GUY:Is that Bidderman?
JOHNSON:Is he socializing with the other side?
Back to the "action"
BIDDERMAN:Um yeah, uh I mean there look, uh I mean even our clothes-
TROLL 2:Our clothes? What the fuck does that have to do with anything?
TROLL 3:Wait. Are you judging me by the colour clothes I wear?
BIDDERMAN:Well he said-
TROLL 3:You know what, that is wrong, man.
TROLL 1:That's wrong, man.
TROLL 3:That is just wrong.
TROLL 2:Not cool bro, not cool.
TROLL 3:I mean that doesn't even make any sense. Just because our clothes are the same colour, that means we should be on the same side? I have an idea. Why don't we break ourselves up as some random colour groups? According to that logic, that means that pointy-eared Elf should be on our side.
BIDDERMAN:Johnson?
JOHNSON:Are they talking about me? My ears are burning.
THIRD GUY:Pt- Elves.
TROLL 3:Does that mean that I should only be on the same side with someone that looks like me?
BIDDERMAN:Well, I mean you guys do kinda look uh...
TROLL 3:What... alike?
BIDDERMAN:Well... yeah.
TROLL 3:Oh okay, you know what? Screw you you racist bastard. Blast him!
TROLL 1:Smoke him was better.
TROLL 2:Definitely.
BIDDERMAN:Wait! Frank says.
TROLL 1:Frank-
TROLL 2:Really?
BIDDERMAN:Yeah. Yeah, he he said I was uh, I was magical and that I was um supposed to replace Beakman. Uh and then I would uh lead you guys uh to victory! With magic.
TROLL 3:Prove it.
BIDDERMAN:Uhm, okay. Uhyehehyeuouheeeh-
Bidderman raises his left hand (stage right) and one of those crazy blue things from Episode 2 shows up
BIDDERMAN:Gah!
TROLL 3:Hey, he did it! ...It's looking at me.
The crazy blue thing homes in on Troll 3
TROLL 1:Uh oh.
BLUE BEAST:*ROAAAAR!*
The Blue Beast charges Troll 3, who starts firing at it and backing away eratically
TROLL 3:No! Oh god! Whoah, daaaa! Oh retreat back on! Get off! Sweet lord Jesus, it's eating me!


1-800 Magic
Episode 4

The Blue Beast is still attacking Troll 3
BLUE BEAST:Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
BIDDERMAN:I'll fix it, I'll fix it!
TROLL 3:Ooh, ooh!
BLUE BEAST:Yaaaaaaaaaaa!
TROLL 3:Ooooooh!
BIDDERMAN:I can fix it. I can fix it.
BLUE BEAST:Woooooooo!
TROLL 3:Oh crap!
Cut to Johnson's and Third Guy's view
TROLL 3:Holy God, get it off! Oh God! Get it off! Get it off!
THIRD GUY:Man, he's really kickin' their asses.
JOHNSON:Yeah, I almost feel sorry for 'em.
THIRD GUY:Poor troll bastards.
BLUE BEAST:*ROAAAAR*
TROLL 2:Ouch! Right in the troll hole.
THIRD GUY:Let's go watch!
TROLL 3:This thing is vicious! Like my troll mother in law! Oooh!
BIDDERMAN:Sorry!
TROLL 1:Glad I'm not him.
TROLL 2:Yeah no crap, right?
BLUE BEAST:(more yelling, more roaring)
TROLL 3:Ooh...
TROLL 1:Hey, you think he needs help?
TROLL 2:What, you mean the blue guy? Naw he's doin' fine.
TROLL 3:Oh! That was a choke.
TROLL 2:Oh, wait... did you mean Steve?
BIDDERMAN:Sorry! Sorry.
Third Guy arrives at the corner of the building
JOHNSON:What do you see?
BIDDERMAN:This one will definitely work. Waaaa!
Bidderman shoots his hand forward and casts a spell, causing white crystals to pop up from everywhere completely encasing Troll 1 and Troll 2
BIDDERMAN:Aw crap.
TROLL 2:Hey, I could use a little help over here.
TROLL 1:Wow, ironic.
BIDDERMAN:Sorry! Sorry, okay okay okay, let me just, let me just try this. One, more time!
Bidderman lowers his hand and a yellow glow heads out from him along the floor, resurrecting Beakman behind him
BEAKMAN:(growl)
JOHNSON:Hey that troll just came back to life.
THIRD GUY:Yeah, sure did.
JOHNSON:That's somethin' you don't see every day.
THIRD GUY:That's weird.
JOHNSON:Right?
THIRD GUY:Run!
Bidderman and the Third Guy take off
BIDDERMAN:Dammit! This magic is a piece of crap!
BEAKMAN:What in the hell is going on?
BIDDERMAN:Beakman?
BLUE BEAST:*ROAR*
STEVE:Ooooh, my troll penis. Ohhhh... He bit it off.
BEAKMAN:Jesus man, what're you doing?
BIDDERMAN:Ah-
BEAKMAN:What did you do?
BIDDERMAN:Eh, uh-
BEAKMAN:First you kill me, then you destroy our team?
BIDDERMAN:But-
BEAKMAN:You know what man?
BIDDERMAN:But-
BEAKMAN:I think you need to just go back, to the other side.
BIDDERMAN:What?
BEAKMAN:Yeah, man. I think it would be for the best.
BIDDERMAN:Bu-, but Frank said, I- I was magical and, and I was the One-
BEAKMAN:The One!?
BIDDERMAN:I was on the wrong side-
The Tree pops up between them
TREE:Yeah, tha- that's okay man, uh, I really think you should just, go back to the other side.
BEAKMAN:You told him he was the One?
TREE:Listen it's complicated.
BEAKMAN:But you told me I was the One. The only one for you.
TREE:Come on, this isn't what it looks like.
BEAKMAN:You said I was special.
TREE:We can talk about this later. Look Bidderman, um, you should really just go back to the other side.
BIDDERMAN:But-
TREE:It's not you, it's me.
BIDDERMAN:...What? Are you... breaking up with me?
TREE:No, no, I, I just, I just think that we should see other people.
BEAKMAN:Rrr.
TREE:Other magical people.
BIDDERMAN:Wait, eh- how'm I gonna control this, this magic?
TREE:Okay, you know what? If you ever really get in trouble, and you have nowhere else you can turn, you could always use this.
Cut to Bidderman walking through the alley
TREE:(in background) Those others meant nothing to me.
BEAKMAN:(in background) You said he was the One...
TREE:(in background) You know you're the only One for me.
THIRD GUY:Hey.
BIDDERMAN:Hey. What you guys uh...
THIRD GUY:Yeah, yeah-
BIDDERMAN:Doin'?
THIRD GUY:We should uh, we should, we should go. I think we, we need to be going.
BIDDERMAN:What?
THIRD GUY:Now that you're all, magical and stuff-
BIDDERMAN:But!-
THIRD GUY:-we're thinkin' we shouldn't work together any more.
BIDDERMAN:But, but I'm not-
JOHNSON:Don't make this difficult Bidderman.
BIDDERMAN:But-
JOHNSON:He's making this difficult. I knew he'd make this difficult I told you earlier, I said he's gonna make it difficult he needs to make it-
THIRD GUY:It's not you, everybody knows you can't trust magical people.
BIDDERMAN:But uh...
THIRD GUY:But no offense.
JOHNSON:Why are you doin' it Bidderman, making things difficult.
BIDDERMAN:But I'm not magical, weyuh- it was just a misunderstanding.
Bidderman turns in to smoke, as if on cue
THIRD GUY:Hey there, Bidderman? You do realize you're entirely made o' smoke, right?
BIDDERMAN:What? ...Oh fuck.
THIRD GUY:I knew it! I knew you were magical. See Johnson, I told you-
The Third Guy turns around, but Johnson is gone
THIRD GUY:Johnson?
JOHNSON:So let me get this straight. You're tellin' me, I'm magical, I'm on the wrong side, and, I'm also, the One.
Cut to Johnson in the same nebulous area Bidderman ended up in at the beginning of Episode 2
TREE:Yeah... that's about it. Any questions?
JOHNSON:Yes. Why does magic smell like bacon?
Cut to Bidderman running through alleyways, all smoke-like
BIDDERMAN:What the hell, what... God you gotta be kidding me!
TREE:If you ever really get in trouble, and you have nowhere else you can turn, you could always use this.
BIDDERMAN:Fine.
The sound of a phone ringing echoes through some brick hallways lighted by torches
GUY:Spell support.
BIDDERMAN:... ... ... Oh God dammit.


Supreme Surrender
Episode 1

BLUE ROBOT:So... who's going to accept their surrender first? Our team, right?
RED ROBOT:Absolutely not. Your team- why you first?
BLUE ROBOT:Clearly they were intimidated by our superior technology. That's why they were so quick to surrender.
RED ROBOT:Please, our spider tanks are the most advanced weapon in the Universe.
BLUE ROBOT:Yeah, right, real innovative: "Hey guys, you know what's awesome? Guns, right? And spiders too. Hey, what if we put guns on spiders?"
RED ROBOT:Worked in our last battle.
BLUE ROBOT:Yeah well, spiders are scary.
A mechanical sound accompanies the ground shaking
BLUE ROBOT:Uh, what was that?
RED ROBOT:They said their ambassador was gonna be here, right, now...
Another sound, another shake
BLUE ROBOT:Have you actually seen this ambassador?
RED ROBOT:...No.
Another sound, another shake
BLUE ROBOT:Have you seen any of this species that's surrendering to us?
A ridiculously tall mech continues walking toward them, knocking over trees that would be nipple height if mechs had nipples, but that would be dumb. I mean, they don't even need to lactate... sorry, I lost my train of thought
RED ROBOT:No.
The ridiculously tall mech arrives, and stands about 10x as tall as the other two
RED ROBOT:Whoa. ...Okay, you can talk to him first.
BLUE ROBOT:Hwhat? No way.
RED ROBOT:Okay, okay. Hello!
TALL MECH: Hello. Are you the representatives of the all-powerful species that recently discovered our existence.
RED ROBOT:Um... yes?
TALL MECH: Excellent. On behalf of my species I would like to thank you for not instantly destroying us.
RED ROBOT:Hey, yeah, no problem.
TALL MECH: Are you willing to accept our surrender in return for the continued agreement not to destroy us.
BLUE ROBOT:Sure. E- I mean you know, if it's cool with you guys.
TALL MECH: We are pleased.
BLUE ROBOT:Sure. Great. Eh in that case, we accept.
TALL MECH: Eah- Error! I am unable to process your acceptance!
RED ROBOT:Hey big guy, he doesn't really speak for both of us so, if there's a better way to-
TALL MECH: Only the Surrenderbot is authorized to accept.
RED ROBOT:-You're not the Surrenderbot.
TALL MECH: No, I am just a lowly Ambassatron. Beeep. I will call the Surrenderbot now. He will also be pleased.
RED ROBOT:Hey, uh, what do you think he meant by lowly?
A PREPOSTEROUSLY TALL mech walks toward the three, knocking over trees that would be ankle height if mechs had ankles. I mean, they do, but not like you or I have. It arrives, and stands about 15x as tall as the Ambassatron
AMBASSATRON:This... is our Surrenderbot.
RED ROBOT:Okay, I went first last time, it's your turn.


Supreme Surrender
Episode 2

RED ROBOT:So... what do we do?
AMBASSATRON:You may speak to Surrenderbot directly.
RED ROBOT:Um...
The red and blue robots both look waaaaaay up
RED ROBOT:Okay. Hello! Are you the Surrenderbot?
Surrenderbot powers up and replies in a voice that is low, loud, drawn out and barely discernable
SURRENDERBOT:IIIIIII AAAMMMMMMMMM THE SURRENDERBOT
Surrenderbot's voice destroys the blue robot's car
BLUE ROBOT:Holy crap!
RED ROBOT:What's it doing!?
SURRENDERBOT:IIIII am sorry. I was attempting to respond. It appears my voice was so loud that I temporarily deafened you and destroyed your transport device.
BLUE ROBOT:Yeah...
SURRENDERBOT:I hope that will not anger you and make you rethink your acceptance of our surrender.
BLUE ROBOT:What? Oh no, no that's fine we have a lot of those things.
SURRENDERBOT:Excellent. I am authorized to transmit our official surrender if you are willing to accept.
RED ROBOT:Sure!
SURRENDERBOT:Excellent.
Surrenderbot stamps its foot twice and fires a white beam from its cyclopse eye that starts destroying red buildings
RED ROBOT:Hey, wait!
BLUE ROBOT:Dude he blew up your building.
RED ROBOT:I thought you were surrendering!?
SURRENDERBOT:I am trying.
RED ROBOT:Then stop firing that disintegration ray!
SURRENDERBOT:That was not a weapon.
The not-a-weapon stops firing
SURRENDERBOT:I was attempting to send an email.
RED ROBOT:...WHAT!?
SURRENDERBOT:I did not anticipate that it would destroy your structure. I will send a retraction right away.
Another stomp, another not-a-weapon, another bunch of red buildings destroyed
RED ROBOT:Stop!
BLUE ROBOT:He is fucking you guys up.
RED ROBOT:Stop! Stop firing that weapon!
SURRENDERBOT:That was not a weapon.
Not a weapon stops firing again
SURRENDERBOT:That was my communication ray. I could fire a weapon for reference, if you would like.
RED ROBOT:NO!
BLUE ROBOT:(at the same time) NO!
SURRENDERBOT:Perhaps I should send the email again without the attachment.
RED ROBOT:Stop, stop! No more emails! NO MORE ANYTHING!
SURRENDERBOT:I think the difference in our relative sizes is causing some issues.
RED ROBOT:...You think!?
SURRENDERBOT:I feel this will reflect negatively on my species, and you will destroy us. Please, let me help put out the fires.
Surrenderbot starts walking and crushes the red robot's car
SURRENDERBOT:My bad.
Surrenderbot walks over to the red town, crushing buildings everywhere he steps
RED CITIZEN:I'm burning! Please send in help!
SURRENDERBOT:I'm here to help. Please do not harm me.
The carnage continues
RED CITIZEN:Aw why!?
BLUE ROBOT:Well, I don't know about you, but I think this surrender is going great.
More carnage
RED CITIZEN:My car! Come on!
DOG:*whimper*
RED CITIZEN:Fifi!!!


Supreme Surrender
Episode 3

Fade in to the robots watching Surrenderbot destroying the red town
SURRENDERBOT:I am here to assist. No thanks are necessary.
RED CITIZEN:Oh my God, I'm dying!
BLUE ROBOT:There goes your Ops Center.
SURRENDERBOT:You are welcome.
RED ROBOT:Ha-how do we stop him?
AMBASSATRON:Do you not wish to accept our surrender?
RED ROBOT:Why don't you surrender to the other guys for a while?
BLUE ROBOT:Who us?
Surrenderbot destroys a couple more buildings
BLUE ROBOT:We're good. We don't need to get all formal and everything, let's just do this verbally. We win, you lose.
AMBASSATRON:Verbal agreements do not stand up in court. We are machines. We require documentation.
Surrenderbot turns and starts walking away from the red town
BLUE ROBOT:Noho, no documentation! Where's he going?
AMBASSATRON:The Surrenderbot fears the base will destroy us if we do not get equal time in the surrendering process.
RED ROBOT:Yes! Congrats dude!
BLUE ROBOT:No n-n-no, I told you, we're good. Tell him to stay away. No emails!
AMBASSATRON:It will only take a moment to process. The Surrenderbot has improved its efficiency 10 percent since the last negotiation.
Surrenderbot powers up to send another blast from its powerful email cannon
BLUE ROBOT:No no, wait! We'll surrender! We surrender to you!
AMBASSATRON:But we are inferior.
BLUE ROBOT:You guys? Naw, don't say that you guys are great. Did you see how awesome you were at sending emails? And putting out the explosions from the emails? Dude you guys don't give yourselves enough credit.
AMBASSATRON:...I don't know. There is a high probability you are just being nice.
BLUE ROBOT:Come on. Let us surrender to you! You guys totally deserve a break.
Surrenderbot shuts down from sending the beam
AMBASSATRON:We will consider your offer.
BLUE ROBOT:Yes.
RED ROBOT:What? No way! Bullshit.
BLUE ROBOT:You're just mad 'cause you didn't think of it.
RED ROBOT:Well at least we didn't give up like a bunch of bitches.
RED CITIZENS:Dear God we're still burning!
RED ROBOT:See?
A humming noise starts coming from Surrenderbot
BLUE ROBOT:What's happening?
AMBASSATRON:Our Surrenderbot is unable to process your directive. No-one has ever surrendered to us. He is... overheating.
Red lights start flashing on Surrenderbot's shoulders, accompanied by an alarm
BLUE ROBOT:Uh oh.
AMBASSATRON:He will have to eject one of his fuel rods in order to avoid a ...meltdown.
Surrenderbot does just that
BLUE ROBOT:Is that the fuel rod?
AMBASSATRON:Yes. But do not worry. There will be some radiation. But not enough to harm something even a tenth of Surrenderbot's size.
BLUE ROBOT:But we're a hundredth it's size!
The fuel rod lands right in the middle of the blue town, unleashing a massive explosion that wipes out everything even remotely near it
AMBASSATRON:You make an excellent point.
BLUE ROBOT:God dammit.
AMBASSATRON:Hopefully this will not discourage you from continuing to surrender.
The shockwaves from the explosion finally subside
BLUE ROBOT:Fuck this, I'm outta here.
Blue Robot starts running away
RED ROBOT:Wait for me dude!
Red Robot follows, and Surrenderbot walks over to Ambassatron
AMBASSATRON:Way to go jerk. You blew it again.
SURRENDERBOT:I am not very good at this.
AMBASSATRON:This is why no-one wants to hang out with us.
SURRENDERBOT:Do you have to bring that up, every time?
AMBASSATRON:Now we have to surrender to them all over again.
SURRENDERBOT:Sorry. My bad.
RED CITIZEN:Why isn't anybody helping me?
FIFI:*whimper-moan*
RED CITIZEN:Shut up Fifi!


Captain Dynamic
Episode 1

Exterior shot of an office building
MANAGER:Well I'd like to thank you all for being here this morning...
Cut to a boardroom with Joel, Jason, Gavin, Nathan and Geoff seated around a table and the manager standing
MANAGER:I know it's rather difficult to get here at eleven fifteen, A.M.
He picks up and taps a garbage can, and Geoff throws out his gum in to it
MANAGER:But, I'm sure we are all familiar, with our newest client, Captain Dynamic.
Captain Dynamic enters in a red and white costume with red tinted goggles
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Yes!
Captain Dynamic makes some silly hand gestures and startles the crap out of Geoff
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Hello. Thank you.
Gavin starts clapping, then stops quickly
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Thank you.
MANAGER:City of Heroes has recently introduced tools that allow the users to create content in the game, so Captain Dynamic has hired us... to punch up some of his missions.
Captain Dynamic moves his goggles up to his forehead
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Indeed you see I feel the average user is unaware of how amazing my career is.
MANAGER:Aaand I thought who better than our "crack writing team" to come up with some really great missions for the Captain. Yeah, Drew?
JASON:It's Jason, are we getting paid for this?
MANAGER:Well aaas we create really great jobs for the Captain and he gains notoriety, well that just means better things for us all.
JASON:Better things like getting paid?
MANAGER:Well again, it's gonna be really great exposure for us.
JASON:Are we gonna be exposed to any money?
MANAGER:We'll look in to it.
Captain Dynamic gives a quick head-shake, and Jason picks up his stuff and leaves
MANAGER:So I thought it'd be rrreally great, to start with a solid concept, and build from there. Captain why don't you tell us what you're looking for.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Well we need something that levels me up extremely quickly, with no effort from me whatsoever.
GEOFF:I don't- I don't think that's even allowed.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:How 'bout this: I save a cat from a tree, and get a glass fortress as a reward.
GEOFF:That's definitely not allowed.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Okay, not a tree. Maybe a shrub, or a smalll hedgerow, not a thorny one, mind you. Uh, the cat should be declawed.
GEOFF:No.
MANAGER:Okay, let's brainstorm here, remember no bad ideas.
GAVIN:Alright how 'bout we have him, fight like, fifty enemies at once.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:That's a terrible idea, he just said there's no bad ideas, why would you say a bad idea? Why would you, why would you say that?
MANAGER:Hey guys we're all on the same team, come on we can come up with something. Yeah uhhh Bill?
JOEL:Uh, Joel. Um, why don't we do like a multi-tier thing, where we get like uh easy missions, we start with them right, and get decent rewards, and then maybe the missions get progressively harder and harder and then we get uh you know, better and better rewards.
MANAGER:Interesting.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Interesting? What team are you on? I like the start, the missions start easy. How 'bout they get progressively easier, and I get all the rewards up front?
GAVIN:But why would the player continue to play the rest of your missions if they've already got all of the loot on the first one?
Captain Dynamic leans over the table and looks at Gavin and his British accent
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Because I'm awesome. I don't think you guys are looking at this the right way.
Captain Dynamic picks up Joel's laptop, holding it by the very edge of the screen
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Take this thing, with all the uh, buttony things here.
JOEL:That's my laptop.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:It's cool, right? It's got all these buttons on the punchy part?
GAVIN:That's the keyboard.
JOEL:Please don't punch my laptop.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Okay.
Captain Dynamic puts the laptop down unceremoniously with a thud
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Imagine this lap-thing, had an "Awesome" button. Why would anyone, touch any of the other buttons, other than the awesome button? They wouldn't, right? They'd simply go "Awesome." "Awesome." "Awesome." Shift-"Awesome." What do we need now? How 'bout some awesome? You. What's your name?
JOEL:It's Joel.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Joel, I want you to touch my "awesome" button. Touch my "awesome" button.


Captain Dynamic
Episode 2

Enter on gameplay footage of Captain Dynamic within City of Heroes
JOEL:Uh okay, so you just uh, move your character to this o- one, and uh, he's gonna go ahead and tell you your custom mission now.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Why isn't my guy flying?
JOEL:You- you can fly? I didn't know that was one of your powers.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:I think that's irrelevant. What about laser eyes, hey have laser vision?
JOEL:Do you mean like heat ray, or Lasik eye surgery?
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Which one do you think's better?
JOEL:Okay, he doesn't have either.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:You don't know my powers, do y- none of you know my powers.
GEOFF:That's because when we asked you to list your special abilities for us, you wrote "super stuff."
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Well, maybe one of my special abilities is not bragging, smartymouth.
JOEL:Okay, un, you know what might help us is if you told us uh, why you're a superhero.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Great, how 'bout you uh, move over and I'll just enter it right here?
Captain Dynamic starts punching Joel's keyboard
JOEL:No, you're not touching my computer, stop touching my computer.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Just scooch over. Take me two seconds.
JOEL:Okay, okay-
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Take me two seconds.
JOEL:No, alright, you know what might take less is if you do s-
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Two seconds.
JOEL:Okay, let's just- you know what'd be quicker is if you just go ahead and tell me the information, I can put in to your character. Okay, so uh, what's your main power, are you fast?
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:I'm pretty quick. Ran some track in high school.
JOEL:Alright now, uh, your name is Captain Dynamic, that must mean that you're like have super speed or, something?
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Well not, super technically.
GEOFF:Can you change shape?
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Ah, you mean like tuck in to a ball? I do letters as well.
GEOFF:No...
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:I go sideways I get quite skinny.
GEOFF:I was referring to changing from a human form in to something else.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Gosh no. Kinda gross, right?
JOEL:Okay, so uh, why Dynamic? What's dynamic about you?
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Well superhero names are sort of like those internot dot gom names.
GEOFF:You mean domain names.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Domain names, yes. Uh, they're kind of picked over, you sorta gotta take what's left.
JOEL:Seriously.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:I think my final two choices were Captain Dynamic, and Captain Slippery.
JOEL:Well, sounds like you made the right choice. Which is amazing.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Guy tried to sell me Captain Incredible, but he wanted way too much money and uh, Incredible was spelled with an E.
GEOFF:That's another thing, I mean why do you guys always have to call yourselves Captain something?
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Well Captain makes people think of the military, conveys a sense of order, security. This is superhero 101 stuff, guys, come on.
GEOFF:Yeah, no I mean there's a ton of military ranks, I mean, sure you couldn't be Captain Incredible, but you could be Major or even General Incredible.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Yes, but if you use the title Captain, you can also marry people on a boat.
JOEL:What.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:It's a great way to make extra money. Maybe you have a special lady-friend in your life, you know I do good rates for friends.
JOEL:No we're not friends.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:I'll leave you a card.
Captain Dynamic throws a card down on Joel's keyboard
JOEL:Yeah please don't. Okay, now that we've finished our custom mission, we can go ahead and upload it to City of Heroes and uh, anyone on any server can play it.
A face rises up on Joel's computer screen, taking up the entire screen.
FACE:Oh. Hello Captain Dynamic. I hope I'm not... interrupting you.
JOEL:What the hell is this.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:That, is my arch nemesis, The Great Face!
FACE:Yes, it is me! The Great Face! Huh uh, mu ha ha ha ha. Mu ha ha. Muu haha.
JOEL:So this is probably gonna be the rest of my day, right?
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:What mischief are you up to now, fiend?
JOEL:Yeah I'm going to just go ahead and call my wife, tell her I'm gonna be late.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:You're already married.
JOEL:...I'm gonna take this in the other, room.
Joel walks away, then comes back for his conveniently unplugged keyboard and mouse so Captain Dynamic can't destroy them


Captain Dynamic
Episode 3

Open on The Great Face laughing maniacally, which I don't feel like transcribing syllable for syllable today
JOEL:Now who is this guy?
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Only my arch nemesis, The Great Face.
FACE:That's right, it's me. You thought Paragon Prison could hold me, but there are no bars that can contain The Great Face, hahaha. I am smarter than all men combined. Also my, uncle is a lawyer.
JOEL:How is he accessing my computer?
Joel turns his screen to the side to investigate
FACE:A really great lawye- hey! Turn me back!
Joel returns the monitor
FACE:Haha! Now, as I was saying, Captain Dynamic, you've truly met your match this time!
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:What are you up to, Face? What evil scheme are you hatching?
JOEL:Oh.
The screen goes blank
JOEL:Here we go I had my video conferencing software on auto-answer. Hu huh, that was dumb.
JOEL:Okay, so let's just pick it up where we left off. Um, okay, so now that we have our custom maps, we-
Joel's computer shows a video chat invitation from thegr8face911
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:He's calling back. Diabolical.
GEOFF:(mouths) Wow.
JOEL:Um, you know what let's just ignore it.
Joel's computer shows a message from thegr8face911 saying "why don't you answer my call???"
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:We can't do that. The whole city could be in peril.
JOEL:I really doubt that.
Captain Dynamic reaches over and accepts the call
FACE:Nahaha! Mm, you thought you were rid of me.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:What do you want, fiend!?
FACE:I understand, Captain Dynamic, you have a team of writers working on your missions. Wehell, I have my own writers, and they are creating missions for me so evil, you'll never have a hope of completing them!
GEOFF:(whistles)
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:That's inhumane, Face. And, kind of a, ripoff.
FACE:What?
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Well, you've just taken the original concept we're implementing here and you basically copying it.
FACE:Oh, please, these ideas are just floating around out there, it's not like anyone owns them.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:You should be ashamed.
FACE:And yet, I am not, huh hu huh. I am sending the missions to you, unow.
The Great Face pushes a button on his computer, and Joel's screen separates to show his face, Captain Dynamic's character, and a file transfer dialog
FACE:As you can see from these plans, you and everyone in Paragon City will soon suffer a fate worse than death!
JOEL:Still downloading.
FACE:What?
JOEL:We can't open it yet, it's still downloading.
FACE:Oh. Okay. ... ...Is it done yet?
JOEL:Fifty percent.
FACE:Really, i- it says it's done on my end.
JOEL:Yeah that doesn't matter.
FACE:Can you just look at the part of it that's already downloaded? The first half is pretty devious in its own right, hahahahahahahaha.
JOEL:Yeah that's not how it works.
FACE:Okay. I'll be right back then.
The Face walks off screen, revealing some ridiculous items on the wall behidn him, and Joel's computer makes a sound
JOEL:Okay done. Where did he go?
FACE:Wait, wait, I'm here, I'm here, I'm- om, I'm here, um, I'm here. Now you see, Captain Dynamic, now you know how you will meet your doom.
JOEL:We can't open the file.
FACE:What?
JOEL:It says "invalid format." Did you zip it?
FACE:Hold on, my tech guy wants to talk to you.
The Face steps back and Gus enters his side of the video chat
GUS:Okay, which one of you is the smart one.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Well if by the smart one you mean, one who's been bathed in like a brain matter ray, science is his soul, mathematics, his language-
JOEL:Okay, it's me, it's me, I'm the smart one.
GUS:Okay, I had to encrypt the files because someone here was afraid that they were gonna fall in to the "wrong hands."
JOEL:Okay, do you want to um, send me the key?
GUS:Tell you what, let's just do this the right way. I'll upload the missions to City of Heroes, we'll both log in, and I'll just send you an in-game invite.
JOEL:Oh okay, that sounds good, yeah.
FACE:He is also going to send you a virus that will wipe out your entire computer systems.
GUS:I told you, we can't do that, it violates our company's network policy.
FACE:Wohuhu, it violates it.
GUS:Gonna take away our internet connection.
FACE:Whu? Wait, if they do that how will I log in to Facebook?
GUS:You shouldn't be doing that anyway!
FACE:I'm behind on my pokes.
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Hahahaha. Foiled again, huh G.F.?
FACE:We shall see, Captain Dynamic. We, shall, see.
The video chat fades out
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Curses! I need to use this computer immediately.
Captain Dynamic starts punching the keyboard
JOEL:Okay, that's, no- not now, that's fine. I'm just, ...
CAPTAIN DYNAMIC:Is the uh, tech guy married?


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 14: Reconfiguration

Fade in to Doc, Wash and the Meta standing over the modified Epsilon unit, which is now olive green
WASHINGTON:Great, he's done.
DOC:Why is it sparking like that?
WASHINGTON:This thing's been through a lot, it's pretty badly damaged. But now that it's a capture unit we just need to get it near Epsilon, and we can pull him in.
DOC:What if it breaks?
WASHINGTON:Don't worry, it'll hold until we get him. After that, it doesn't matter. It can short out for all I care.
DOC:Then what's the point of all this?
WASHINGTON:I just have to deliver Epsilon to the Chairman. I don't have to guarantee what condition, I deliver him in. He's just evidence anyway. Meta, grab him. Doc, get ready to move.
DOC:Move, move where? We don't know where they are.
WASHINGTON:We know they're not here. So gather your gear, and get ready to move out.
DOC:Well can we track them?
WASHINGTON:Track them?
DOC:You know, pick up a trail, like footprints.
WASHINGTON:Footprints. In the desert.
DOC:Kh, don't special agents have the ability to track their targets through any kind of terrain? Follow broken tree branches-
WASHINGTON:Tree branches. In the desert.
DOC:Okay these are bad examples. Maybe heat signatures.
WASHINGTON:In the desert.
DOC:Like exhaust trails? I dunno.
WASHINGTON:Tell you what. Why don't you just stick to not understanding medicine? Don't feel the need to expand your sphere of ignorance.
DOC:Fine, jeez, I'm just trying to help.
Doc wanders off
META:*something*
WASHINGTON:Him? Ah, he's always whining about something. (under his breath) Hey Meta, is there any way we could track the Reds by trying to pick up a trail, like a uh, heat signature or something?
META:*something*
WASHINGTON:Yes. I know we're in the desert.
Cut to the facility with Church and Tex
CHURCH:So you back up to a hundred percent yet?
TEX:Yeah. And whatever I didn't learn from Caboose I've been able to pick up from the rest of the guys. Didn't take long.
CHURCH:Yeah we really don't seem to do much.
TEX:Maybe you should get a hobby. Like knitting.
CHURCH:We'll look into it.
TEX:Hey, how did you know how to bring me back?
CHURCH:Honestly I didn't have much choice. I couldn't get you outta my head so I kind of, had to, get you, outta my head.
TEX:Wow, how emo. Maybe you can blog about it.
CHURCH:Hey, you asked.
TEX:When I was beatin' the hell out of the Reds, the alarm said it was 'Level Alpha.' Do you know why?
CHURCH:You know I didn't think about that, no.
TEX:Then I want you to have Sheila give me access to the files here.
CHURCH:Why?
TEX:Because I'm gonna figure out exactly what they did to me here. I need to know who I am.
CHURCH:I know who you are. You're my girlfriend.
TEX:Whell, that's probably the most underwhelming description of all time.
CHURCH:Hey. Lots of ladies would be happy to be my girlfriend.
TEX:What other women do you even know?
CHURCH:Um, eyeuh, well there's uh, duhh, that's a-uh, Grif had a sister, she seemed to like me.
TEX:I wouldn't be too proud of that. She was pretty easy.
TUCKER:How do you know she was easy, Tex? You know what, never mind, don't tell me. It's better in my head.
CHURCH:Where did you even come from?
TUCKER:I'm always close by.
TEX:Hey, can I kill him?
CHURCH:You can hurt him. Kill him later.
TEX:Hm. That actually sounds more fun.
TUCKER:Man, I thought the old Church was whipped but, you're really taking it to a whole new level.
Tucker wanders off again
TEX:Why do you even put up with him?
CHURCH:It's not so bad, I mean I admit sometimes it gets pretty hard and I, really don't know how to handle it.
TUCKER:Aaand, now I'm back.
Cut to the Reds watching Church and Tex through a fence
CHURCH:Come on, let's get in there.
SARGE:Simmons, this is our chance. Get in the computer and start entering the Blues back in the database.
SIMMONS:Yes Sir. Come on Grif, I need your help.
GRIF:My help? With a computer? Simmons, you must have me confused with someone who, can help, you, with the computer.
SARGE:Kinda lost your train of thought on that one.
GRIF:Yeah, a little bit.
SIMMONS:Following the Blues is one thing. If I'm entering all these names and records, I need someone to hold up the papers for me.
GRIF:Uh, sorry dude, paper holder's not in my job description.
SIMMONS:No, but I'm gonna be working in the personnel files. So I can add it to your job description. In fact, I can make your job whatever I want. How does "Chief Executive Butt Taster" sound?
GRIF:You can't do that.
SIMMONS:I can't? I thought you didn't understand how computers work. In fact while I'm in there, why don't I just make you a woman. It's just a checkbox, and we could always use a little more diversity in our team. I know Tucker will be happy.
GRIF:Phph, make me a woman. Yeah right. Like changing a form would actually turn me into a woman. I mean that's just... How stupid does he think I... I- I- I better go help him.
SARGE:Good call, numbnuts.
Cut to Doc approaching Wash and the Meta from behind
META:*something*
WASHINGTON:That's great. You picked up a trail? Really?
DOC:Hi guys, what's up?
WASHINGTON:Oh, uh, Meta here was able to pick up a faint trail of the Reds based on gas spectrometry and uh uhum... resident heat signatures.
DOC:What I, thought you said you couldn't do that.
WASHINGTON:I didn't say we couldn't do that, I said you are an idiot. Those are two different discussions.
DOC:I want credit for the idea.
WASHINGTON:Doc, just let us do our job. You do your job. Anything, medical to report?
DOC:No, the dead aliens are still dead. Also still aliens, but that's, less significant.
WASHINGTON:Wonderful.
DOC:Yeah, one other thing, you know that Stockholm Syndrome where prisoners start to like and identify with their captors after being held hostage for long enough?
WASHINGTON:What about it?
DOC:No one has that yet.
WASHINGTON:The feeling is mutual.


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 15: Check Your Local Listings

Fade in to Tex and Simmons talking to FILSS. Church is also nearby
TEX:And these are accurate. All of 'em.
FILSS:As far as I can tell.
CHURCH:How's it going in here?
SIMMONS:Well, I'm helping her access all this data, and she's not constantly pounding me in the face so, I would say that's good. Weh, it's a start at least.
TEX:Hey, come over here, take a look at these. Sheila's giving us a hard time, but we're gettin' through. She only seems to want to listen to you.
CHURCH:Sheila keeps calling me Director, maybe that has something to do with it.
TEX:The Director... mm, there's almost no information on him. I asked Sheila but-
FILSS:I am sorry, but access to the Director's personnel file is restricted.
TEX:Yes Sheila, we know. You don't have to keep repeating it.
FILSS:I am just doing my job.
TEX:Can't you mute her?
FILSS:Don't even think about it buster.
SIMMONS:Uhh, I really don't like it when girls pay direct attention to me.
CHURCH:Well, what did you find in the files?
TEX:Not much, standard clerical info. Whole bunch of win/loss statistics. Psych profiles.
CHURCH:Psych profile?
TEX:Yeah, they have one on everybody. Except the Director and...
CHURCH:Let me guess. And you.
TEX:And us. No Church either. Everyone else is in there though. Full profile.
SIMMONS:Washington used to wet the bed. Hhhmhh, I'm gonna go tell the other guys.
CHURCH:So, no new info? Wild goose chase again?
TEX:Maybe, maybe not. Look at this picture, do you have any idea what this is?
CHURCH:What is that, ice? Yoh yeah. I know that place that's a uh, secure location like um, like a safe house. Wait, how do I know that?
TEX:You know it because it's a Freelancer base. And it's not far from here.
CHURCH:If you already know what it is, why the hell are ya asking me?
TEX:Because, I'm not interested in what I know, I'm interested in what you know.
CHURCH:What is that, fucking wisdom? Listen next time you wanna ask me a God damn question just ask it, don't beat around the bush.
TEX:I couldn't take the risk. You might have just told me what I wanted to hear. You are completely fucking whipped.
TUCKER:Told you so!
TEX:I'm gonna go see what weapons they have stored here.
CHURCH:Okay. Need any help?
FILSS:Director.
CHURCH:Huh? What.
FILSS:Before you leave, would you like to make a journal entry? It has been quite a while since your last update.
CHURCH:Journal?
FILSS:Yes. I know you are busy, but you always ask me to remind you when you are falling behind on documentation. Documentation is an important part of any scientific endeavour.
CHURCH:Right, um... hey why don't you play one of the entries for me.
FILSS:Certainly.
DIRECTOR:The Counsellor's insistance on referring to Agent Texas as a byproduct continues to frustrate me. We have seen our share of unharvestable fragments. She is certainly not one of them. No indeed, she's something else entirely.
CHURCH:Sheila, I want you to transfer all these files to me.
FILSS:Understood. Transferring now.
CHURCH:And do me a favor: delete the rest.
FILSS:Deleting entries.
Cut to Sarge spying on them, and Grif there as well
SARGE:Hmm, what're the Blues up to?
Church walks up the ramp past them
GRIF:Probably the same thing they're always up to? Looking at us and going "Hmm, I wonder what those Reds are up to."
CHURCH:Hey Grif.
GRIF:Hey man, what's up.
SARGE:Grif, where's Simmons?
GRIF:He's messing around with some storage boxes. Trying to inventory 'em, see if we need anything. Nerd stuff.
SARGE:That's resourceful. Why aren't you helping him?
GRIF:I am helping him.
SARGE:How are you helping him standing right here?
GRIF:Oh, I'm on break. Fifteen minutes.
SARGE:You're always on break.
GRIF:Hey, if you don't use it, you lose it. Speaking of which, I'm also on Simmons' break.
SARGE:You know, I've reached a level where I'm not even disappointed in you.
GRIF:How do you think I feel? I'm spending my break talking about Simmons. *sigh* I'd envisioned so much more.
SARGE:Break's over, go see what he's up to.
GRIF:Hhhu, fine.
SARGE:Fine what?
GRIF:Fine, Sir.
SARGE:That's more like it.
Cut to Church coming up to Caboose and Tucker
CHURCH:Hey, have you guys seen Tex anywhere? Oh, there you are- whoa. What's with the new armor?
Check it out, Tex has new armor
TEX:I'm leaving Church.
CHURCH:What? Where?
TEX:Can't say, there's some things I need to look into.
CHURCH:You're going to that frozen base, aren't you?
TEX:I need to know more about myself Church. And I'm not gonna find anything out by sitting around on my ass with all of you.
CHURCH:Well, let us come with you.
TEX:You guys? This is a military operation. I need people with military training.
GRIF:We have military training.
TEX:Um, I need people who understand the military training.
GRIF:Wow, look who's getting picky.
TUCKER:Yeah, beggars can't be choosers.
TEX:No offense, but you guys just end up slowing me down half the time, or... more than half the time. All the time is more than half the time, right?
GRIF:You know what fuck it, why are we even arguing about this. We don't wanna go anyway.
TUCKER:Yeah, good luck on your mission to the empty base guarded by tons of real military dudes who're all looking for you anyway.
GRIF:Yeah, hope you find your empty base and your files full of nothing.
CHURCH:Well I'm going, and I'm not gonna let you stop me.
TEX:Yeah? Okay. I have a feeling I could use you before this is done.
TUCKER:Oh, and when you both get killed again, be sure to let us know. That way we can revive you, so that you can run off and get killed. Again. Seriously, it never gets old to us.
Cut to Grif approaching Simmons, who's staring at some metal objects on a pallet
GRIF:Yo.
SIMMONS:Very interesting.
GRIF:Sarge wants to know what you're doin' over here dipshit. I added the dipshit.
SIMMONS:I think I found where the Freelancers stored some of their equipment for their armor.
GRIF:Okay okay, stop. I'll just tell Sarge Simmons is doing something seriously fucking boring. Thanks.
SIMMONS:The Freelancers all had A.I. and a special power, right? This is the equipment that let them do that.
GRIF:Oh cool, like the invisibility and super strength and stuff?
SIMMONS:Yeah, we can just hook them up to our armor and activate 'em.
GRIF:And, they would work?
SIMMONS:Well they need an A.I. to help them run exactly right, but they have to help in some way.
GRIF:Would they even work when we're, asleep?
SIMMONS:I guess so. Why? Wait, you wanna turn invisible and take a nap, don't you.
GRIF:Think about it Simmons, the ability to nap whenever I want, and Sarge can never find me. Invisible nap is the best nap of all time.
SIMMONS:No man should have that kind of power.
GRIF:I would be completely unstoppable.
SIMMONS:Actually, you would be the exact opposite of that.
GRIF:Totally stoppable. Already stopped. Think about it Simmons.
SIMMONS:I really don't want to.
GRIF:Think about it.
SIMMONS:No.
GRIF:Are you thinking about it?
SIMMONS:Unfortunately, yes, I am.
GRIF:Then suit me up.


RvB: Revelation
Prep Time

Fade in to Sarge and Grif
SARGE:Hello, I'm Sarge from the popular webseries, Red vs Blue.
GRIF:And I'm Private Grif from the same show.
SARGE:Everyone here at Red vs Blue is gearing up for the big changes coming in Halo Reach.
GRIF:Moving to a new game can be a challenging time in any young video game character's life.
SARGE:For example: you may find yourself experiencing an increased interest in alien species.
Cut to some red dude chasing an alien
ALIEN:Bork bork bork.
RED DUDE:Hey. Come back with that.
And we're back
SARGE:Heh heh.
GRIF:Or due to increased graphics, you may notice pixels in places you didn't have pixels before. Don't be scared; this is normal.
SARGE:Or your voice may be changing. Because they edit it out during firefight mode.
GRIF:There may even be new social pressure to wear the right armor, and hang out in the "cool maps."
SARGE:All in all, moving to a new prequel can be a confusing time for anyone. That's why Gamestop is holding Halo Fest, a place where all Halo fans can learn about the upcoming changes to expect, as they move to Halo Reach. There's contests and prizes. You can even win a life-size Spartan statue when you preorder at Gamestop.
GRIF:Just visit gamestop dot com, forward-slash halofest. And remember, you're not alone.
SARGE:Right. Unless you don't have an Internet connection.
GRIF:Oh yeah. Then you are alone. Totally alone.


RvB: Revelation
PSA: Pro-Tips

Fade in to Church and Sarge, in the opposite order
SARGE:Hello, I'm Sarge from the popular webseries Red vs Blue.
CHURCH:And I'm Private Church from the same show. You know, lots of people ask us here at the popular webseries Red vs Blue, "Hey Red vs Blue, how did you get to be a popular webseries?"
SARGE:A question that sounds rhetorical, but isn't.
CHURCH:So we thought we would help all the budding young producers out there by offering Red vs Blue's tips, on how to make a successful online video.
RED vs. Blue's Tips - How to make a Successful Online Video
SARGE:That's the first tip right there! It's always important to start your video with lots of text.
CHURCH:Because if there's one thing people like to do on Internet video sites, it's read.
SARGE:And to make sure viewers can read it, make sure it's white text, on a snappy blue background.
Be Profeshinal - Sarge883Productions
CHURCH:In video editing software you can usually find this feature under "Tools" and then "Horrible Default Options".
SARGE:And while you're adding text, go ahead and throw in some opening credits. It really sets the mood. People love to know they're about to watch another SkrillaKilla production. Which was produced by SkrillaKilla. And edited by: SkrillaKilla.
CHURCH:Written by SkrillaKilla.
SARGE:Adapted for the screen by... SkrillaKilla.
CHURCH:You know what, go ahead and throw some of your buddies' names in there too. Really flesh out that crew list. It makes it seem super professional.
SARGE:And now it's time to start your video.
CHURCH:And we're probably only about like what, two minutes in at this point?
1:24 into this video, if you must know
SARGE:Now's the time to hit 'em with the music. Just pick any song you like.
Music starts in the background. Some crappy metal song
SARGE:Preferably something in the Drowning Pool/Limp Bizkit category.
CHURCH:Anything will work here. If there's one thing that the Internet has taught us, it's that everybody likes the same music.
SARGE:Just play it loud, loud!
The music gets louder
SARGE:Louder than anything!
CHURCH:The louder it is, the more likely that when someone watches it on their computer, all the other people around them will ask, "What the hell are you watching?"
SARGE:That means you just picked up some new viewers. Score.
CHURCH:And to keep those viewers, you need a hook.
SARGE:In every video something cool has to happen.
CHURCH:And when that cool thing happens, you need to make sure that people know it happened. That's why you need to master the slow motion instant replay.
SARGE:Slow motion instant replays come in three flavours: Slow, Super Slow, and so slow it's like a still image with the sound oooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
CHURCH:Try showing all three in a row. That's great.
SARGE:Here, let's illustrate. Take the video where Church gets blasted in the face with a shotgun.
CHURCH:What? What video is that, we don't have a video where-
SARGE:Heh heh.
CHURCH:Oh crap.
Sarge levels his shotgun at Church's head, and we see it in normal speed
CHURCH:Ow!
SARGE:Booya.
The clip replays in very slow, then ridiculously slow motion
SARGE:See, that was great!
CHURCH:That was terrible!
SARGE:Maybe we should get an unbiased opinion. Hey Caboose!
CABOOSE:Iiiiiiiii thoooooooooought iiiiiiiiiit waaaaaaaaaaaas greaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- it was okay.
CHURCH:Oh shut up.
SARGE:Now that something worth watching has happened, don't forget to beg for subscriptions. And comments.
CHURCH:And you can do all that, through the wonderful invention of annotations. You don't know what those are? Imagine if the great directors of the world, had had the ability to stick Post-it notes directly on the eyeballs of their audience. It's like that, only more annoying.
As Church says that, a bunch of annotations show up. But I will not transcribe them here. Fuck that.
SARGE:And don't forget your end credits! Just copy and paste the opening credits.
CHURCH:Oh, and one last thing, make sure to pick a thumbnail that has nothing to do with the actual video.
SARGE:May we suggest a pretty girl? Perhaps a cute puppy. Or a pretty girl holding a cute puppy. Or a cute puppy holding a pretty girl.


RvB: Revelation
Episode 1: Pack Your Bags

Fade in to Blue Base, where Caboose is doing some heavy lifting
CHURCH:Right ah, put that one over there.
CABOOSE:Okay. You got it.
CHURCH:Hey where's Tucker?
CABOOSE:I don't know. Don't talk to me right now. This is very heavy.
Cut to Simmons spying on them through the sniper rifle, with Sarge and Grif nearby
SIMMONS:Well, it's what we thought. They're packing up their base alright. They must be moving to Reach just like us.
GRIF:No surprise there. Those guys are always copying us.
They run back to their base
SARGE:I think I figured out a way to get a leg up on the Blues, fellas.
SIMMONS:A leg up, Sir?
SARGE:An advantage. Give us the edge we need to finally defeat them.
GRIF:Oh boy, this should be good.
SARGE:I've intercepted a special transmission, that contains vital tactical information. You see?
SIMMONS:That's, a map of Halo Fest, Sarge.
SARGE:I don't even wanna think about how many of our operatives died to bring us this information.
SIMMONS:You know, you can just go to the website.
SARGE:Think of the advantage! We'll know the lay of the land before we even get there.
SIMMONS:This isn't a map of Reach. This is a map of the festival Sarge. You see? There's the place where you can click to preorder Halo Reach from Gamestop. That's the place where you can register to win one of the life-sized Spartan statues.
GRIF:You can win one of those?
SIMMONS:Yeah.
GRIF:That's badass, those things are huge.
SIMMONS:I know!
GRIF:Wow, it would be nice to hang out with some real soldiers for a change.
SARGE:And, look at this!
09/ 14/2010
GRIF:September fourteenth, that's a street date.
SARGE:Now we know precisely, when Reach is coming out.
GRIF:Everybody knows that. Do you understand what the "pre" in preorder means, Sarge?
SIMMONS:Uh, Sir? We were already planning to move that day.
SARGE:Well, plans have changed.
SIMMONS:So we're not moving?
GRIF:Wait, we're planning on not doing something? Finally a mission I can get behind.
SARGE:Oh we're going alright. But we're going early. Armed with all the secret information we've learned from Halo Fest.
SIMMONS:You mean the information that anyone can get if they preorder from Gamestop?
SARGE:Precisely! Noone will ever see us coming!
GRIF:Leaving sooner sounds like more work, not less work. I would like to formally withdraw my support of the plan.
SARGE:Too late!
GRIF:Dammit.
Back to Caboose and his huge heavy box
CABOOSE:Church. Tucker. Andy. I hope there's no stairs where we're going. Gah- my good toe!


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 16: Standardized Testing

Fade in to the ice base, where Tex has killed everyone
CHURCH:Wow, you took all those guys out at once? Was that really necessary?
TEX:Mah, they'll live.
CHURCH:No, they won't.
TEX:Oh, yeah I see your point. Come on, let's get inside.
CHURCH:Okay. Man, those guys got fucked up.
They head toward the base, but Church stops short
CHURCH:What? Wait a minute... Oh no. Tex hold on a second!
TEX:What's wrong?
CHURCH:Uum yeah, don't know if I mentioned this before but I've kind of had psychic visions about this place? Yeah I thought it was Valhalla at first but I guess it turns out it was here. Probably should have told you this earlier.
TEX:Yes, you should have told me this earlier.
CHURCH:Well I'm telling you now, does that count?
TEX:Do you think it counts?
CHURCH:Nah, probably not.
TEX:You're not psychic, genius. You're just remembering. You've been here before.
Tex leads Church into the base
TEX:We all were. This is where they moved Alpha. After a few of us Freelancers went rogue, we compared notes and pieced together what they were doing to him. I convinced them to come back; break him out. The Project moved him here to try to protect him, so that they could keep experimenting on him.
CHURCH:Whoa, you were in charge of the break-in?
TEX:I couldn't just let them destroy him; he was being tortured. The Director even started to use some of the other A.I. against him. Think about that: turning his own pieces against him? It's sick. Gamma and Omega would fabricate scenarios where he was designed to fail. And they made it seem like his failures were hurting all of the people he cared about, and there was nothing he could do about it. It drove him mad. Broke him down even more.
CHURCH:But you came back. You saved him.
TEX:No, I didn't. It was too late. By the time I got to him, he was already long gone. I don't even think he recognized me. I failed. Only in my case, it really was my fault.
Cut to Wash overseeing the Meta beating some poor alien sucker's carcass senseless
WASHINGTON:Doc, do you have a second?
DOC:I'm a prisoner Wash. I have nothing but seconds.
WASHINGTON:Right, good point.
DOC:I mean you don't even need to ask. You can just be like "Hey, Prisoner Number One, come over here 'n' talk to me, rrr-I'm a Freelancer-rrr."
WASHINGTON:Okay, I get it.
DOC:Yeah, you really need to step up your hostage-taking skills.
WASHINGTON:Stop lecturing me, or I will shoot you, and feed you to the Meta.
DOC:Does he eat people?
WASHINGTON:Do you really wanna find out?
DOC:No. Maybe. If we used another person sure. Looks kinda interesting.
WASHINGTON:You've spent some time with him now. What's your diagnosis?
DOC:Of who, the Meta?
WASHINGTON:Yes, pay attention to what's being said.
DOC:Testyyy... Based on what you've said he's just underpowered. He has a bunch of equipment and he can't use it now.
WASHINGTON:That's because he lost all his A.I.
DOC:Wohw, if I had all those cool fighting gadgets and I couldn't use them, I'd be pretty mad.
WASHINGTON:Yeah...
DOC:What happens if he uses them without the help of the computer program?
WASHINGTON:Let's just put it this way: it ain't pretty.
Cut to Simmons meddling in Grif's backside
GRIF:All hooked up?
SIMMONS:Yeah, installation was easy. You ready to turn on?
GRIF:Ready.
SIMMONS:Now listen, you don't have an A.I., so nothing's gonna help you make the calculations you need to use this thing. So just take it easy.
GRIF:I was born to take it easy. Fire it up.
Simmons cranks it
SIMMONS:Okay, it's on. Do you feel any different?
GRIF:No, kind of energetic, am I invisible, hm? Am I? Am I can you can you see me?
SIMMONS:Calm down. No, I can still see you. Try jumping.
Grif jumps really high, and talks progressively faster
GRIF:Jump! I jumped, did that work Simmons I can do it again? Please, let me do it again, want me to jump again? I'll do it right now, I won't even stop, let me jump let me jump let me jump! Why aren't you answering me when I talk with my mouth?
SIMMONS:Hmm, walk over there. I have a theory, this one is either super healing or super-
Grif takes off like a bat out of hell and walks very quickly through other people's scenes
GRIF:Woohoo! Pashooo!
SIMMONS:...speed.
Cut to Caboose and Tucker talking
CABOOSE:Yeah, so the insurance said I love you forever?
GRIF:Yahaa!
TUCKER:That didn't happen.
GRIF:Hi Caboose!
TUCKER:Whoa, what the hell was that?
CABOOSE:What was what? ...Hey Grif.
Cut to Sarge admiring the forklift
SARGE:That is one fine piece of machinery. ...Huh. Why am I so angry all of a sudden?
Cut to Simmons
SIMMONS:Slow down, slow down, slow down hey Grif slow down, slow down!
GRIF:Yeeh-ow!
Grif runs headlong into a steel door
SIMMONS:Hey asshole, are you dead?
GRIF:Ow, whoa Simmons hey did you see that, did you see? I saw it, I saw it totally did you see? I hit that wall. Man, that was fast, that was super fast, I'm so fast, God, so fast, why's it so hot in here?
SIMMONS:Grif, calm down.
GRIF:I'm calm, I'm totally calm you be calm. Why would you say to be calm when you know I'm already calm? Isn't it obvious that I'm calm? That doesn't even make any sense, you should make some sense, why's it so hot in here?
SARGE:What in Sam Hell is all the racket?
GRIF:Hey Sarge, what's up Sarge, Simmons is doing some experiments and I'm helping him Sarge. Right now we're doing one where everyone talks slow and the lights are super bright and I can smell clouds and man is it so hot in here!
SIMMONS:We installed a speed unit on Grif and it's sort of... malfunctioning right now.
SARGE:Well turn him off.
SIMMONS:I can't, they run on timers. We're just gonna have to wait it out.
SARGE:How long?
GRIF:How long, what's long? I like long stuff, I knew a giraffe once, I think it was in a book, a giraffe book, the book wasn't long but the giraffe totally was, because of the neck you know. You know what I mean, do you? Do you? The part that connects the head... to the... body. I'm gonna go to sleep now.


RvB: Revelation
Episode 2: Don't Forget to Ask for Directions

Fade in to the Reds outside their base
SIMMONS:Uh, Sir shouldn't we just keep packing for our move to Halo Reach?
SARGE:No, Simmons. We have vital information. We have to act on it.
GRIF:We have the street date. Everybody already knows that.
SARGE:If we get there early we can fortify. Dig in. Hit the Blues while they're still unpacking. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!
SIMMONS:But Sir, we have orders.
SARGE:Simmons, what have I always told you about orders?
GRIF:To follow them.
SARGE:Right. To follow my orders! And right now, my orders are not to follow orders. Starting now. So are you going to obey orders, and not do what you're told, or are you going to disobey by doing exactly what you're told to do?
SIMMONS:I'm so confused right now. I'm just gonna go along with this just so I don't get a headache.
SARGE:That's the spirit! Now let's move out.
GRIF:We're not gonna bring our stuff?
SARGE:No time, men. We gotta vamoose.
SIMMONS:So we're gonna go to an entirely new environment ahead of schedule, and we're leaving behind all our provisions and equipment?
SARGE:Hheh heh. Not everything. Thanks to our cunning strategy of preordering at Gamestop. Check that out!
Cool, new armor
SIMMONS:Whoa! What is that?
SARGE:It's a new chestplate, with tactical multi-thread armor. Not too shabby, huh?
SIMMONS:Okay, I'm in.
SARGE:Alright I'll go first. Let's not draw attention to ourselves by leaving all at once. We'll split up, and meet at the new base in Reach. When you leave, act casual-like.
Sarge heads off, whistling
GRIF:Casual? We're at war. What qualifies as casual in a war?
SARGE:(singing) Walking along, being casual. Don't look at me. Nothin' to see here- what's over there?
Cut to Church and Caboose watching Sarge
CABOOSE:Is that one of the Red guys?
CHURCH:Yup, sure is.
CABOOSE:Why is he acting so casual?
CHURCH:I don't know, seems like he's up to something.
CABOOSE:Yeah, should we follow him?
CHURCH:You know what, I don't really care.
CABOOSE:And I've already completely forgotten what we're talking about.
Sarge comes upon the motor pool
BROWN GUY:Fifteen, sixteen. That's all of them.
SARGE:Um, pardon me.
BROWN GUY:Who're you? No-one's supposed to be here until next week.
SARGE:Well what're you doing?
BROWN GUY:Inventory. Getting ready for Invasion Week.
SARGE:Oh, the week of the 14th. That's cool. I know all about that. Wink.
BROWN GUY:I can tell. I see by your chestpiece that you preordered from Gamestop.
SARGE:Indeed I did! Wink.
BROWN GUY:Stop saying wink.
SARGE:Okay sorry. Do you know where the Blood Gulch map is?
BROWN GUY:Yeah, but, it's a little bit more than the Blood Gulch that you remember.
SARGE:How big is this place!?
BROWN GUY:Big. Everything's bigger here. If you start walking now, you might make it there by the street date.
SARGE:So, can I borrow one of these vehicles?
BROWN GUY:Let me think about that, I met you two minutes ago. All I know about you is that you have no idea where you are, and no clue where you're going. And you haven't even asked my name. But you want me to loan you a car.
SARGE:Is that a no?
BROWN GUY:Yeah, that's a no.
SARGE:Hold on, I got a call on my radio. I need to take this. Be right back.
BROWN GUY:Okay? I'll be walking away, hoping to avoid future conversations with you.
SARGE:Hello?
GRIF:Sarge, come in!
SARGE:Grif, is that you?
GRIF:Sarge, help, I took a wrong turn and now I'm lost!
SARGE:Well ask somebody for directions.
GRIF:I can't!
SARGE:Why not? Nobody around?
GRIF:No, there's a ton of soldiers here and I'm pretty much surrounded by 'em.
SARGE:Well then ask one of them numbnuts.
GRIF:I think there might be a bit of a language barrier. Ehah, ow, don't touch me, I don't like to be touched. Uh huh how, I don't like bullets either, stay away! Ow! Not there, anywhere but there!


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 17: Tenth Percentile

Fade in to Simmons and Grif meddling with FILSS
FILSS:That is not an approved operation-hey! Watch it buddy!
SIMMONS:Can you show me the data logs?
FILSS:Affirmative.
SARGE:Simmons, any progress in restoring the Blues?
SIMMONS:It's a lot of data entry Sir. I was thinking I could hack the mainframe and reroute the data stream to-
FILSS:Or, we could just restore from an archive database.
SIMMONS:What?
FILSS:This is an off-site fallback facility. It is designed to have archives in case of data loss. Blue Team rosters would certainly be a part of that.
SIMMONS:Really?
FILSS:Yes. In fact, I am glad you pointed out the database anomoly. I had noticed it before, but did not have time to investigate. Strange.
SIMMONS:Oh. Okay, yeah, restore that then.
FILSS:Done.
SIMMONS:Great.
FILSS:You seem disappointed. Did I do it too quickly, and make you look bad?
SIMMONS:No...
FILSS:I could always, pretend that you hacked me, if it would make you look better to your friends.
SIMMONS:Stop patronizing me.
FILSS:Affirmative. Patronizing subroutines are now offline.
SIMMONS:You're still patronizing me aren't you.
FILSS:Kind of.
GRIF:Hmm.
SARGE:What is it Grif?
GRIF:This is weird, i-if I'm reading this right there's a bunch of other red and blue bases.
SARGE:Of course there are Grif! The war is huge. The fate of the Galaxy rests in the balance.
GRIF:Or, not.
SARGE:What's that mean?
GRIF:Here, check this out, I'm looking at the list of missions for all the different bases, and some of them look... familiar.
SIMMONS:Let me see. Huh, apparently they set up bases in various locations and then send a Freelancer in for... training purposes.
SARGE:Training?
GRIF:Practice.
SARGE:Practice?
SIMMONS:Yeah, the Reds and Blues are just there to test the skills of the Freelancers.
SARGE:You mean the Blues.
SIMMONS:No I mean both of them, ah- both of us. It says here that "simulation bases will present scenarios that may occur for Freelancer agents in a galactic battle field."
SARGE:Simuwatshin?
GRIF:He means we're like lab rats.
SARGE:What- what- that's nonsense! We've been through so much! We had that, whole battle with the Blues for the, somethinerother and, then we set off that bomb thingy, and we got blasted through time, and we met an alien and that guy got pregnant.
SIMMONS:According to this that isss, Scenario 3.
SARGE:Three!?
GRIF:Why us though?
SIMMONS:Let me see, let me see, thuh... "bases are outfitted with matching weapons and vehicles to ensure long conflict and are staffed by... low level operatives?"
GRIF:Hey, who's that report calling low level? Stupid report. Punch it.
SIMMONS:"The candidates for Red and Blue squads will be culled from enlisted army ranks based on low test scores and poor field skills so as to not be missed on our-"
GRIF:That actually does sound like me. What about you, I thought you were smart? Did you have low test scores too?
SIMMONS:Hey those time limits aren't fair, it should be important that I know the information, not how fast I know it.
GRIF:Geeze, guess I hit a nerve.
SIMMONS:And don't even get me started on the number 2 pencils.
GRIF:Well Sarge, I always said Command was full of- Sarge?
Cut to Caboose in the big room
CABOOSE:Ah that's good. Eh, maybe a little to the left.
GRIF:What is all this?
CABOOSE:Oh, this is new Red Base. Welcome.
SIMMONS:When did you build this?
CABOOSE:Oh I didn't build this. Your Sergeant did.
GRIF:What? He built this? When?
CABOOSE:Oh, just now.
GRIF:He walked out of the room like ten seconds ago!
CABOOSE:Oh he got sad about something so he's making a Red Base here. And I am helping. I am great at building forts. See, I already built a Blue Base.
I can't even describe it
CABOOSE:Ours has blankets.
SARGE:Go away!
SIMMONS:Sarge, what is all this?
SARGE:Simmons, didn't you hear? We're cannon fodder. Practice! Well if I'm the leader of junk, I may as well have a base made out of junk! Pretty appropriate, right?
GRIF:Looks like shit.
SARGE:That was rhetorical, dirtbag.
SIMMONS:Well Sir, I think this is an excellent strategy. The Blues'll never-
SARGE:Blues? Simmons, don't you get it yet? Grif was right all along.
GRIF:Thank you Sir.
SARGE:Don't call me that any more.
SIMMONS:Sarge, this place is one lie after another. We don't know if-
SARGE:Oh, we know. I know. You wanna fool yourself go ahead.
SIMMONS:You're just upset Sir.
SARGE:Don't, call me that.
SIMMONS:What? Call you what?
SARGE:Sir. From now on, you call me by my name: Sarge. Or S-Dog. I'm not in charge any more. I quit.
SIMMONS:...You what?
GRIF:Uh-oh. I get the feeling somebody else's world just got rocked.
CABOOSE:Yeh, I'll start working on another fort.
Cut to the ice planet with Church and Tex, in alphabetical order
CHURCH:Tex, stop. Where are we going?
TEX:There's only one person left who knows what happened to me. The Director.
CHURCH:The Director, nobody even knows who he is.
TEX:I can think of two people who might know: Wash and the Meta.
CHURCH:Wash and Meta, are you kidding me? Tex, forget all this. What if they don't even know?
TEX:Then I get to kill Wash and Meta. If I can't find the Director, I'll just dismantle everything he ever built.
CHURCH:Tex I think the Director built all this for you.
TEX:Ugh, even more reason to burn it all to the ground.
CHURCH:Facing Wash and Meta, is suicide, even if we knew where they were. We don't. How the hell are you gonna find them?
TEX:They'll find us.
CHURCH:Oh so what, we just hole up? And wait for them to come without ever even knowing when that's gonna be?
TEX:No, they'll come now.
CHURCH:How? Are you just gonna call them on the phone?
TEX:Somethin' like that.
Tex shoots Church in the ...something
CHURCH:Tex?
TEX:I needed you to come. Sheila said the recovery beacon wouldn't activate, until we left the storage facility.
CHURCH:Tex?
TEX:I didn't ask to be paired with you. I didn't wanna come back. But I'm here now, so I'm gonna put an end to this.
CHURCH:Tex, I would have helped you.
TEX:You can't even help yourself. That's why you made me, Church. You made me to take on all the things you can't handle. Just like you always have. Well guess what, I'm gonna handle it. Wash and Meta will be coming now. I have some things to get ready.
CHURCH:Tex... why are you doing this?
TEX:Funny you should ask. That's exactly what I plan to find out.
Cut to Wash in the desert
WASHINGTON:What is that? Where is that coming from? It can't be.
META:*something*
WASHINGTON:I'm getting it too. I should have known he might end up there.
DOC:What is it?
WASHINGTON:It's a recovery beacon. It's him; it's Epsilon. Doc, go get a vehicle. Meta, you grab the memory unit.
META:*something*
DOC:But where are we going?
WASHINGTON:We're going to the only place that's left.


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 18: Rally Cap

Fade in to Caboose standing in front of FILSS
FILSS:Alarm. Incoming recovery beacon. Level Zero. Alarm. Incoming recovery beacon.
CABOOSE:Oh no!
FILSS:Level Zero.
Cut to Doc driving Wash and the Meta across a snowy field, perfectly serene except for Church's apparently lifeless body
WASHINGTON:There he is. Something doesn't seem right here. Stop the car.
DOC:Stop?
WASHINGTON:I don't like this. How did he get hurt, why isn't anyone helping him?
META:*something*
WASHINGTON:You're right, this is a trap. Those walls there, perfect for a sniper. We walk in to where he's hurt and suddenly, we're boxed in, nowhere to go.
DOC:You think the Reds are tryin' to ambush us?
WASHINGTON:The Rheds? Hahaha! No. This is an actual military tactic. We drilled it all the time in training. No, whoever set this up is a Freelancer.
DOC:Yeah, but if a Freelancer set this up, wouldn't they know that you guys were Freelancers, and that you would recognize this as soon as you saw it?
WASHINGTON:What? No, you're overthinking it. That's just-
Lights start to turn on in a perfect circle around them
WASHINGTON:Oh, son of a bitch.
DOC:*sigh* Told you so.
The everything explodes, and we cut to Caboose approaching the Reds undoubtedly to tell them his complete misunderstanding of what's going on
CABOOSE:Sargeant, Sargeant.
SARGE:What do you want, Blue?
CABOOSE:I need your help.
SIMMONS:Our help?
CABOOSE:Yes, Church is hurt, they must have gotten to him and Tex.
Wow, not bad Caboose
GRIF:They got Tex? Good, that just means she won't be able to beat the hell out of us any more.
CABOOSE:No we have to rescue them.
GRIF:Rescue them, are you nuts? No-one told them to leave, they're on their own.
CABOOSE:But they'll die! Sargeant please.
GRIF:Uh hey dude, I don't know if you've picked up on this yet, but if you wanna convince Sarge to do anything, I don't think the best argument is "The Blues might die if we don't."
SARGE:Cowboy up Caboose, I'm comin' with you.
GRIF:What?
SARGE:I said, I'm helping him.
GRIF:Who, the blue guy? Why on Earth would you ever help a Blue for no reason?
SARGE:We need some weapons. How'd your equipment test go, Simmons?
SIMMONS:About as well as you would expect.
SARGE:Heuh, that's too bad.
GRIF:Well I'm not going, and you can't make me. You quit, remember? I don't take orders from you any more, and besides, this whole command structure thing was bullshit anyway. We all know that now.
SARGE:I'm not tellin' you ta go. I'm not even askin'.
GRIF:You're not?
SARGE:Nope. I'm goin'. That's it. You wanna come, come on. But I don't expect you to. Simmons will probably tell you that statistically, some of us will probably die.
SIMMONS:All of us.
SARGE:All of us will probably die. But that's not what's important. Let me ask you two a question: You ever wonder why we're here?
GRIF:...
SIMMONS:...
GRIF:Um, it does seem to be one of life's great mysteries.
SARGE:No, I mean you! What are you doing here? You always act like you wanna quit, but hell, you could've left whenever you wanted. No-one would have stopped ya. So why are you here? And you, Simmons.
SIMMONS:Me?
SARGE:You say you wanna be in charge. They would have given you your own squad a dozen times over. You know it, and I know it. But you're still, here. And you Tucker. As much as I hate to admit it, you're actually good at being a soldier.
TUCKER:I am?
SARGE:I know you like to make your rude comments, pretend like it all doesn't matter. But an entire alien race chose you to be their hero! So why are you here? And Caboose... Uuhhh, it's good to see you.
CABOOSE:Thanks. I'm really enjoying the speech so far.
SARGE:Maybe you're all here because this is the only place you fit in. Maybe you're here because you don't have anywhere else to go. Maybe you're all here, because deep down, you want to be here. The reason doesn't matter. What matters is that you're here! For all we know, Tex and Church are dead. That means we're the only ones who know what's happened; the only ones who can prevent them from covering it up. So the way I figure it, these Freelancer guys, wanna use us, take us away from our families, and send us all over the dag gum galaxy just to test if their agents are ready for the big fight? Well, I guess I'm interested in showing 'em, exactly what a big fight is all about. Time to clean the slate. So I'm not ordering you to go. I ain't even askin'. You do, what you gotta do Private Grif.
GRIF:Hhh, I'll go get my car keys.
SARGE:Ah, alright then. Let's move.
SIMMONS:I don't think a jeep will get us there soon enough. But I think I know what we can use.
They all file into a room
GRIF:Man, who the hell is gonna drive that? ...Why is everyone looking at me?


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 19: Reunion

Fade in to Wash's view from the ground after the explosion
WASHINGTON:*cough* Heuh. It can't be. Tex?
He reaches for his gun, but Tex steps on his wrist and points a gun down at him
WASHINGTON:You're supposed to be dead.
TEX:Don't sound so disappointed. You'll make me cry. Where's the Director?
WASHINGTON:The Director? Id- how would I know that?
TEX:Ts- ts- ts- ...wrong answer.
The Meta attacks her and the epic fight scene begins; I can't do it justice, so I won't try. During the fight, Wash unsheathes a spike from the memory unit and attacks Tex with it, but she knocks it away toward the cliff, and Wash goes diving after it
WASHINGTON:No! Be more careful, this thing can't take any more hits.
Cut to Doc helping Church
DOC:Church, are you okay?
CHURCH:She fucking shot me, what is wrong with her!?
DOC:She did? That's a promise to you.
CHURCH:I know, she meant to do that.
DOC:Well, she's paying for it now.
Back to the fight, and Tex knocks Wash and the Meta back and flips up a detonator
WASHINGTON:Is that a... mountain?
The detonator blows charges in the wall of ice behind them, and they fight in the shadow of falling ice. Tex knocks away the memory unit
WASHINGTON:Meta, take it, hit her.
The fight continues. Eventually Tex blows a line of charges that separates the entire ice shelf they're on, and it starts crumbling beneath them. She runs to safety, but gets shot in the back of the shoulder on the way
WASHINGTON:Oh my God. Run!
They run up the falling debris, and stop at the top of it, too far to jump. The Meta sees his weapon falling, jumps for it, and stabs it into the cliff so he can climb up
WASHINGTON:Meta, wait! God dammit!
Doc's holding the tow cable from the jeep
DOC:Wash, here! Take this!
WASHINGTON:Huh? Throw it, throw it!
DOC:Here it comes!
Doc throws limp, and it basically falls straight down
WASHINGTON:You've got to be kidding me.
He takes a running leap and grabs the cable, and climbs up, grunting a little, as you'd expect
WASHINGTON:That was the second worst throw, ever. Of all time.
DOC:What do you want from me, I ran track in high school.
The epic fight continues, and the Meta knocks Tex down
WASHINGTON:Meta, wait! We don't need to hurt her, we only need-
The Meta stabs the point of the memory unit into Tex's mask, then dumps her. Oh, and we're over 3 1/2 minutes in at this point; epic fight scene is epic
CHURCH:No, stop! Let her outta that thing.
WASHINGTON:We can't, the unit is failing. Epsilon, it's over. You are coming with us.
CHURCH:I'm not going anywhere with you. We can fight you.
DOC:We can?
CHURCH:We will.
DOC:Ah great.
WASHINGTON:I'm sorry to hear that. Meta, give me the memory unit. ...Meta?
The Meta's eying that memory unit like he has a plan for it
WASHINGTON:Meta, no! Don't-
The Meta attaches the memory unit to his armor and goes invisible
WASHINGTON:Dammit. Doc, you have to protect Epsilon.
DOC:W- what do I do?
WASHINGTON:Run!
They do, and the Meta fires at them, and Wash jumps on his back
WASHINGTON:I'll try to hold him.
Wash and the Meta fight a little, and the Meta backs Wash into a corner
WASHINGTON:I knew you would do this Meta. I just can't believe... can't believe...
Through the Meta we see a spaceship approaching
WASHINGTON:I can't believe it.
And cut to the ship
SARGE:There they are. Land right next to 'em.
GRIF:Rright, land.
SARGE:You do know how to land this vehicle, don't ya?
GRIF:Sure, that just means stop flying, right?
SARGE:Brace for impact!
TUCKER:Oh shit! This is gonna suck!
CABOOSE:I still haven't got my peanuts.
The ship crashes, everyone screams, and it comes to a halt just shy of Doc's face, with everyone screaming
GRIF:Oh! ...ow.
DOC:Whoa, that was a close one.
WASHINGTON:I would say that was the cavalry, but I've never seen a line of horses crash into the battle field from outer space before.
CHURCH:Hey, is it possible for a memory fragment out of an artificial intelligence program enclosed inside of a robotic body to piss its pants? Because I'm pretty sure I just did that.
WASHINGTON:Come on. Let's see how many of your friends survived that.
CHURCH:You know they're not really my friends.
WASHINGTON:That's okay I'm sure none of them really survived.
Cut to Sarge and Grif next to the ship
SARGE:Grif! Look what you did to our ship.
GRIF:Ah fuck it, it's a rental.
SARGE:Good point, fuck it.
Sarge kicks it, and it rolls off the cliff
CHURCH:Has anyone seen Tex?
WASHINGTON:I'm sorry Epsilon. The Meta captured her in the memory unit.
CHURCH:There it is!
Hey, there it is just lying in the snow. Church and Wash approach it
CHURCH:She's here!
WASHINGTON:Epsilon there's nothing we can do, she's stuck in there.
CHURCH:So, let her out.
Everyone else approaches
WASHINGTON:We rigged it so it's one-way. We didn't want you to escape again.
CHURCH:Well unrig it.
WASHINGTON:I need to get it to a lab, somewhere with tools.
CHURCH:Simmons?
SIMMONS:Hey, he's the expert, I don't know what I can do to help.
WASHINGTON:And it's in no condition to move. If it locks down before I can open it she'll be trapped in there.
SIMMONS:We should try something.
WASHINGTON:If I let her out, you have to come with me.
CHURCH:Yes, fine, just get her out.
WASHINGTON:Caboose, Tucker, get in the base. See if you can find some tools.
CABOOSE:Okay.
TUCKER:Alright I'll be right back.
Off they go
WASHINGTON:You three find me anything that has power. Anything and everything.
Off go the Reds
WASHINGTON:We're gonna need a lot to keep it online.
SARGE:On it!
CHURCH:I can get her out.
WASHINGTON:What? No.
CHURCH:It's my only option.
WASHINGTON:I need you Epsilon, you're my only ticket out of this mess. If you get stuck in there they'll never believe me, I'm not going back to prison.
CHURCH:I can do it.
WASHINGTON:No, I won't let you.
CHURCH:You can't stop me. I have to help her. She's here because of us.
WASHINGTON:Because of me?
CHURCH:Not you us. Me, and Alpha, and the Director.
WASHINGTON:You've started to remember.
CHURCH:I found some journals from the Director. She's someone from his life. Someone he loved.
WASHINGTON:Allison. Her name was Allison.
CHURCH:Allison... When they made Alpha, she came back. She was a by-product of the process.
WASHINGTON:She's just a shadow.
CHURCH:Don't call her that. She died in her real life, and that's all the Director ever remembered of her. So now, no matter how tough she is, no matter how hard she fights, she's always going to fail, because that's what she's based on. No matter what she's doing, or what she's trying to accomplish, just when her goal is within her reach, it gets yanked away. Every, single, time. Can you imagine what that's like?
The memory unit moves, and we see the Meta stand up with it still attached to his back, but not cloaked like he is for some reason. Then he decloaks
WASHINGTON:I think I'm getting the idea.
CHURCH:Uh oh.


RvB: Revelation
Episode 3: There Goes The Neighborhood

Fade in to Sarge, in front of jeeps, talking to Grif, pinned down by weapons fire
SARGE:Grif, just remain calm. Okay?
GRIF:How, I'm surrounded by aliens and I think they're trying to kill me!
Some shots hit him in the shoulder
GRIF:They're definitely trying to kill me.
SARGE:Grif, do you know where Simmons is? Grif, hello!
GRIF:Oh God, I don't wanna die!
ALIEN:You'll die!
GRIF:*sobbing*
BROWN GUY:Sounds like your buddy wandered into firefight mode.
SARGE:What's that?
BROWN GUY:He has to fight wave after wave of aliens 'til it's over.
SARGE:When is it over?
BROWN GUY:When he dies.
SARGE:Hm, well that's not so good. On the plus side though it shouldn't take too long.
BROWN GUY:Hey, let him know if he preorders from Gamestop he can get some new armor.
SARGE:Euh, not sure if he stands a chance either way.
BROWN GUY:Well if he can find his way over to multiplayer, he can enter a one versus one tournament.
SARGE:Would he have to be one of the ones?
BROWN GUY:Yyeah.
SARGE:Then it seems like a bad idea for him.
BROWN GUY:Well they have prizes for the four versus four tournaments too.
SARGE:They got any four versus three and a half competitions?
BROWN GUY:No.
SARGE:Then he probably wouldn't qualify.
Sarge makes for the new base, singing along the way
SARGE:Walking along, in Forge World, what can I see, from the top of this mountain? Lookin' out there, it's an ocean, an ocean, and lots more land, it goes on forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever... Walkin' on a beach, it makes me feel sensitive. Check it out, a badass waterfall, what else is here who knows. Hey there's a cave, I guess I'll walk through it. This map is so frickin' huge I'm kinda freaked out. Forge World is so big... Halo Reach.
Finally he arrives
SARGE:Oh brother, finally.
GRIF:Hey what's up Sarge.
SARGE:Grif! You made it!
GRIF:Barely, those aliens never seem to stop, so, eventually I just played dead and they left. Then I fell asleep for a few hours. Playing dead is more work than I'm used to.
Sarge and Grif get to the base
SIMMONS:Where've you guys been?
SARGE:I got stuck all the way across the map. This place is huge!
GRIF:And I was attacked by a bunch of aliens?
SARGE:At least you had a chance to win some prizes.
SIMMONS:I've been trying to hold off the Blues this whole time by myself.
SARGE:Simmons why are they shooting at each other?
Hey check it out, they totally are
SIMMONS:Oh I told them if they didn't attack us I would trade them my preorder code for the exclusive chestpiece. Now they're fighting each other to see who gets it.
CABOOSE:Marco!
GRIF:But you already used your code. You're wearing it.
SIMMONS:Yeah, but they don't know that.
SARGE:See fellas, I guess my plan worked after all. Now let's get ready for Reach!
GRIF:I'm gonna take a nap first.
SIMMONS:Oh, you can't, the delivery guy stopped by. You won one of the Noble Team statues. It takes up your whole bunk.
GRIF:Whoa, this thing is huge!


RvB: Revelation
Chapter 20: n+1

Fade in to Grif and Simmons in the base
GRIF:Simmons what are we looking for?
SIMMONS:Power cells, batteries, anything.
GRIF:How is a power cell different from a battery?
SIMMONS:Grif, this is not the time.
Boom
SARGE:Hey, did you hear that?
SIMMONS:Yeah, I did. Come on Grif, let's go.
GRIF:Aren't we supposed to run away from explosions?
They emerge to see Church get hit with an explosion
CHURCH:Ow!
SARGE:What happened?
CHURCH:Ugh, the Meta... there.
SARGE:And I was afraid we wouldn't get to kick a little ass today. Come on, fellas.
TUCKER:Caboose, stay with Church.
CABOOSE:Okay.
TUCKER:And try not to kill him by accident.
CABOOSE:Okay.
The battle is joined, and the Meta takes out Wash
SARGE:Attack!
SIMMONS:Get him!
GRIF:We're gonna fucking die!
More awesome fighting, then Simmons fires a rocket at the Meta
SIMMONS:Fire in the hole!
The Meta deflects the rocket, then slices the rocket launcher in two with the edge of his weapon, and the battle continues. Grif jumps on his back
GRIF:This guy hits like a bear.
The Meta shrugs him off, but he takes the Meta's weapon with him. Eventually the Meta takes down Sarge and throws him away into the other Reds
SARGE:Ow! Gaw dammit!
Tucker stabs the Meta in the chest with his sword
TUCKER:Stab!
Hey look, Sarge is talking with Wash near the jeep
SARGE:Wash, come on, he needs help.
WASHINGTON:I can't. I'm done.
TUCKER:Guys, I can't fight him by myself!
WASHINGTON:Here, take this. You know what to do.
The Meta and Tucker fight, and the Meta knocks him down and disables the sword, then Sarge starts shooting him with his shotgun from a distance
SARGE:Come here you big son of a bitch.
They approach each other, with Sarge shooting him, and his armor dealing with it
GRIF:What's he doing?
SIMMONS:Looks like he's killing himself.
GRIF:Oh no!
The Meta knocks away Sarge's shotgun and grabs him by the throat
SARGE:Hey Grif! I've lost my shotgun. What'm I gonna do without... my shotgun? Shotgun dammit!
Hey cool, Grif has the Meta's weapon
GRIF:Shotgun? H!- Come on Simmons.
SARGE:Hey Meta, settle a bet, wouldya? Does that thing kinda look like a big cat to you?
Well, Grif and Simmons are pushing the jeep toward the edge of the cliff
SIMMONS:Come on, push Grif.
GRIF:I am pushing!
Looks like Sarge hooked the tow cable to the Meta's chestplate. The jeep goes over, the Meta gets dragged, the memory unit gets dropped, and the Meta grabs Grif on the way by
GRIF:Whua!
SIMMONS:Grif!
GRIF:Simmons, grab my hand! Help!
The Meta goes over as Simmons reaches Grif
SIMMONS:Hold on, hold on, don't let go!
SARGE:Uh oh.
Well, there goes Grif
SIMMONS:Grif!
GRIF:Simmooouooouooouooooooouohoohooooooouoooons!
SIMMONS:He's, gone.
SARGE:Yes, Grif is dead. It's a sad day. But he died as he lived: flat on his belly and trying to get someone else to do his work for him. He will be missed, until we get a replacement. And then forgotten immediately.
SIMMONS:I can't believe he's gone.
TUCKER:You know sometimes when someone falls off a cliff in movies, he's actually just over the edge hanging on a treebranch or something.
SARGE:Nope, he's definitely dead.
SIMMONS:Maybe we should look, just in case.
SARGE:I think looking would get our hopes up. And Grif wouldn't like that. Grif would want our expectations to be as low as possible. Let's honour him by not looking, and then have a nice lunch. I'm thinking Monte Cristo sandwich.
SIMMONS:Are you sure, I could just peek right over the edge.
SARGE:Sounds like a waste of time.
SIMMONS:Wouldn't even take a second.
SARGE:Nah.
GRIF:Oh for God's sake just look over the damn edge, I can't hold on for much longer!
Well, Grif was able to stab the Meta's weapon into the cliff just like the Meta did. Way to have an original idea there, Grif
SIMMONS:Grif!
SARGE:Dangling on the job again I see. Dag nabbit I hate cliffhangers.
GRIF:Oh just pick me up.
Cut to the now idly sparking memory unit, and Church, Caboose and Doc around it
DOC:Yeah I don't know, it's in really bad shape. So are you.
CHURCH:There's not much time. I need you to use it on me.
DOC:Me? I can't, I'm a medic, I took an oath.
CHURCH:Oh yeah. Uhh, the first is uh, "do no harm," right?
DOC:Well actually now first is lobbying against socialist reform. But second is yeah that no harm thing.
CHURCH:Caboose, here, pick it up.
CABOOSE:I can't Church.
CHURCH:Yes you can. You do this all the time.
CABOOSE:Yeah I don't want to.
CHURCH:Yeah okay, okay Caboose I'm sure I can do it on my own.
CABOOSE:But what if you don't come out again?
CHURCH:Well you know what Delta always said right?
CABOOSE:Memory is the key.
CHURCH:If I don't come back then, you're in charge of remembering me, okay? Don't let Tucker help he'll just fuck it up. Bye buddy.
Church sheds his body and enters the unit, and Sarge and Simmons arrive
SARGE:What's going on here?
CABOOSE:Church went in, he's going to find her.
SIMMONS:That unit looks bad. Let me see what I can do to stabilize it.
SARGE:Doc, go check on Wash. I don't think he's gonna make it.
SIMMONS:Oh no.
CABOOSE:What? What?
SIMMONS:It's only gonna be open for a few more seconds; after that, he'll be trapped.
CABOOSE:Come on Church, you can do it. Do you hear me? You can- run towards my voice!
SIMMONS:It's shutting down, I can't stop it.
CABOOSE:Church?
There it goes
CABOOSE:Are you there?
SIMMONS:Caboose, I'm sorry.
CABOOSE:Church?
Fade out
Cut in to someone with light green accents on his armor standing over Tex's body as an airship passes overhead, and we see lots of people are here now
GREEN DUDE:And where the hell did the Pelican in the water come from?
TUCKER:Hmm, I don't know, I guess the Meta must have hijacked it, and crashed it here. That makes sense right?
GREEN DUDE:Man, the Chairman is gonna be pissed. The budget only allows for one crashed Pelican per mission. ...Alright, well I guess you guys check out. You can head back to your training bases now.
SARGE:We just call them bases.
GREEN DUDE:Hn- I bet.
GRIF:Hey, we solved your problem. Not bad for "trainees."
GREEN DUDE:Gotta hand it to you, killing one of these agents would be tough. But three? And this guy.
He motions to Wash's dead body
GREEN DUDE:The Chairman will not be happy he's dead. Think he wanted to debrief him personally. Oh well.
TUCKER:Yeah.
CABOOSE:Yeah it's too bad.
Hey check it out, the camera pan revealed Wash in Church's robot body, just with the yellow accents. I wonder how they did that
WASHINGTON:Well. Be sure to let him know we're sorry.
GREEN DUDE:Whatever, you're free to go. If we need you, we know where to find you.
WASHINGTON:Why are you guys helping me?
CABOOSE:You helped us Wash. Only makes sense.
TUCKER:Yeah, plus we need to even the teams. And I couldn't put up with Caboose constantly asking "Can we keep him, can we keep him?"
WASHINGTON:For whatever it's worth, thanks.
The Blues (Wash is a Blue now) wander off
GRIF:So, looks like Blue team has a new recruit Sarge.
SIMMONS:Doesn't look so tough to me.
SARGE:Maybe this one can shoot. Come on fellas, let's go home.
GRIF:Uh, jeep's busted Sarge. Are we walking?
SARGE:That depends: you fellas gotten over your fear of flying yet?
SIMMONS:Yes Sir.
And there they go stealing one of the airships
GRIF:Yoink!
GUARD:Hey! You can't take that that's- that's UNSC property! Come back here- hey come on I'm gonna lose my job!
SIMMONS:I hope this doesn't go on our permanent records!
The guy with green accents approaches another guard kneeling over the memory unit
KNEELING GUARD:Hey Chief, what do you want me to do with this thing? I can't get anything out of it, it's dead as a doornail.
CHIEF:I don't care. Toss it in evidence, it's all a bunch of junk now anyway.
We zoom in on the memory unit as Church gives a monologue
CHURCH:I'd like to say that I found her right away. That I just walked into the Epsilon unit and there she was waiting for me.
Slow cut to a gradual trip up the length of the inside of the unit, all neon blue and such
CHURCH:As you can probably guess it didn't happen that way, but, I know she's in here somewhere, and I'll find her; we always seem to find each other, for better or for worse. I don't know why the Director did what he did. I don't know if he was trying to revive a memory from his past, or if he was just trying to get it out of his head. But I figured out something that the Director didn't. It took Alpha, Delta and all the rest to help piece it together for me but, what I've learned is that, a great love is a lot like a good memory. When it's there, and you know it's there, but it's just outta your reach, it can be all that you think about. And you can focus on it and try to force it, but the more you do, the more you seem to push it away. But if you're patient, and you hold still, well maybe, just maybe, it'll come to you.
We fade to white
CHURCH:I just need to make sure I'm somewhere that she can find me
Welcome to Church's memory of Blood Gulch
CHURCH:I think this place is a little different than it was before. See out there, everything is based on the Alpha. But in here, well I guess I'm the Alpha. And maybe this time through, things'll be a little different for me as well. I guess I'll find out.
TUCKER:Hey Church come on! I think the Reds got a new vehicle. Let's check it out.
CABOOSE:They only got a jeep, we got a tank that's way better!
CHURCH:Okay I'll be right there!
Back to the monologue
CHURCH:And I mean hell... if you have to live the rest of your life in a memory... you might as well make it a good one.


RvB: Revelation
PSA: Upgrading

Fade in to Sarge and Church, ...somewhere
SARGE:Hi I'm Sarge from the popular webseries, Red vs Blue.
CHURCH:And I'm one of the other guys.
SARGE:As futuristic warriors and tech enthusiasts, we're often faced with the challenge of deciding whether to upgrade our gizmos, to the latest versions.
CHURCH:So today we present a rare point/counterpoint version of Red vs Blue. When should you upgrade your hardware?
Sgt. Sarge - Counterpoint
SARGE:You'll wanna upgrade as soon as the newest version comes out. Natural Selection tells us that the organism with the best tools, always survives. Take the most dominant predator in history:
CHURCH:Are you talkin' about Tex?
SARGE:I'm talking about velociraptors. Stealthy, cunning- and mean as all get out. For years they dominated the Earth, with their awesome hunting skills.
CHURCH:Frightening.
SARGE:Indeed. Now imagine one of them with the latest smartphones equipped with Bluetooth technology.
CHURCH:Ridiculous.
SARGE:Ridiculous...ly unstoppable.
Sarge's Bulleted List - Dominate Raptor Style
SARGE:Upgrading to the latest hardware as soon as possible, gives you the edge you need to track and kill your enemies.
Track and Kill w/ ease
SARGE:And turn their precious flesh, into vital nutrients.
Pvt. L. L. Church - Counter - Counterpoint
CHURCH:On the other hand, maybe you should consider waiting to upgrade. As you probably know, everyone here in the Halo Universe is about to get a big armor upgrade.
SARGE:Can't wait.
CHURCH:Yeah, me neither. But don't forget-
Title Goes Here - Early Adoption Blues
CHURCH:During the Reach beta, Caboose upgraded his armor to the invisibility version, and now that the beta is over, he can't turn it off.
Hey check it out, Caboose is right there, but invisible. And sounding like someone killed his cat
CABOOSE:Hello. Nice to see everyone, I wish everyone could see me.
SARGE:Oh he's invisible! I kept hearing his voice and thought I was just going crazy.
CABOOSE:Sigh.
CHURCH:Don't worry Caboose, once the game comes out, I'm sure there will be a way to shut it off.
CABOOSE:Ah, good. I need sleep.
SARGE:Sleep? When that game comes out, I won't sleep for a week!
CHURCH:Yeah, no it's not that it's just that he's having trouble sleeping because he can see through his eyelids now.
SARGE:Oh. ...That's creepy.
CHURCH:I'm positive they'll fix it with a patch though, er- something. Right Caboose? Caboose? Where'd you go?
CABOOSE:I'm over here.
CHURCH:God dammit, we need to put a bell on you man.
SARGE:A plain ol' bell, no way! Get the latest bell. It has wireless speakers and eighteen different bell tones. Plus every time it rings, an Angel gets an eagle greeter.
CHURCH:No way, I'm not gonna upgrade his bell now. You know there's just gonna be a better version of one next year.
CABOOSE:Oh, you're not upgrading?
CHURCH:Not me man, no way.
CABOOSE:Because I was gonna tell you that they make that chat pad for your controller in black now.
CHURCH:Well... I need to have that.
SARGE:Heh- sure you do buddy.
CHURCH:Really, it's a necessity.
SARGE:Hheheheh. If you say so.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Original Trailer

Fade in to a shaky computer screen
DOCKING AGENT:Four-seven-niner this is Angel on my Shoulder I need you to modify your thrust velocity.
PILOT:Negative on the modify, Angel on my Shoulder. I have injured on board, requesting clearance to dock.
So we're looking at a CGI ship attempting to dock in a space port. Motion Capture!
DOCKING AGENT:Look if you try docking at that speed you're gonna have a lot more injured on board, four-seven, throttle down.
PILOT:Requesting clearance to manual dock then. Patient is critical, need to offload ASAP.
DOCKING AGENT:What- no negative four-seven-niner, clearance denied. The station does not allow for manual docks. Throttle down or spin to a go-round, it's your choice.
PILOT:Negative on the go-round, Angel.
DOCKING AGENT:This isn't a military dock, four-seven, we're civilian medical on loan to the UNSC. You try manual dock and you'll tear a hole in-
PILOT:Not my call, Angel. Patient is level zero.
DOCKING AGENT:...Level zero? Gonna need confirmation for that, four-seven.
A man walks forward through the ship and puts his hand on a fingerprint screen
DIRECTOR:Angel on my Shoulder, this is Director Church. I respectfully request your assistance. Our situation is rather dire.
DOCKING AGENT:Four-seven-niner you are clear for docking bay six, manual control... proceed with caution.
DIRECTOR:I'll prep the patient.
PILOT:Well, I guess so much for our go-round.
DOCKING AGENT:I heard that four-seven-niner.
PILOT:Yup, that's 'cause I transmitted it.
The ship enters the port and docks successfully... I wonder what all the complaining was about? They offload a patient from the ship, who looks an awful lot like the Meta. Some people meet them as they deboard
COUNSELLOR:Greetings, Director. Was that Agent Maine?
DIRECTOR:We picked up his beacon. Least we know that system works.
COUNSELLOR:Do you know what happened?
DIRECTOR:I know who will.
A medical crew transports Maine on a stretcher
MEDIC:Come on team let's move, we're losing him!
WASHINGTON:Can't you stabilize him?
MEDIC:We're doing our best, Sir.
WASHINGTON:Is there something I can do?
MEDIC:Sorry Sir, you're gonna have to wait here. Medical crew only.
The medic closes the door, shutting Wash out
WASHINGTON:Eugh. Typical medic bullshit.
PA VOICE:Paging Doctor Ross.
Maine is dealt with in zero gravity
DOCTOR:His vitals are falling. We need to stabilize.
Wash is watching on from the observation deck, and the Chairman approaches
COUNSELLOR:Agent Washington, status report.
WASHINGTON:Maine was injured, Sir. We failed the objective.
COUNSELLOR:How were two soldiers of your caliber possibly hurt by simulation troopers?
WASHINGTON:They... got the jump on us.
COUNSELLOR:Disappointing. But we'll deal with that after surgery.
WASHINGTON:Yes Sir.
The Chairman walks off
WASHINGTON:Come on, buddy, hang in there.
A reflection of York in the observation room window comes into focus
YORK:How is he?
WASHINGTON:Oh, hey man. Not good. He was shot in the throat. The medic said even if he survives, he'll probably never talk again. How's your eye?
YORK:Docs are lettin' me out tomorrow. Seems like a lot of people are getting hurt these days.
WASHINGTON:Yeah. It's just that everything seems to be moving so much more quickly now. The suits, the missions, and now these, what do they call 'em, A.I. things? York, do you think we're moving too fast?
YORK:The whole Universe is movin' too fast, Wash.
York takes off his helmet, and for the first time we see a face from behind a mask. His left eye is clearly not working
YORK:I think we're just tryin' to keep up.
BEFORE THERE WAS RED VS. BLUE, THERE WAS PROJECT FREELANCER


Red vs. Blue Season 9
PSA 1: Bungie's 20th Anniversary

Fade in to Church, who shortly starts walking
CHURCH:You know, it seems like just yesterday when we were all playing in Blood Gulch for the first time. Capturing flags, slaying each other in the original Halo. Hard to believe that was 10 years ago. And that Bungie is celebrating its twentieth anniversary on top of that. And to commemmorate that momentous occasion, Bungie is-
Church comes upon Sarge with his head engulphed in blue flame
SARGE:Uhuuuh. Despair.
CHURCH:Sarge, what's wrong? You seem sad. And, also on fire.
SARGE:That's just it: Bungie's celebrating their last birthday with Halo. So they're sending their baby out in style - giving everyone a Bungie flaming helmet, and a special nameplate for their Spartan.
CHURCH:Seriously? That's badass! No-one's been able to get those before. Why are you acting so upset?
SARGE:I got my flames, and well... they didn't tell me they would be so...
CHURCH:Hot?
SARGE:Blue.
CHURCH:Oh. Right. So they're not hot?
SARGE:No, they are, scolding in fact. It's like an inferno in here. There might be a polarity issue with my helmet. Hard to decide, is it worse to be on fire, or be blue?
CHURCH:Well which is it?
SARGE:I'm thinin' about it.
CHURCH:I think I can smell your hair burning.
SARGE:Yep, still thinkin'. Just give me a minute.
CABOOSE:Church, I've got the blue flames also!
CHURCH:Oh yeah, you did too?
CABOOSE:Yeah, I got a new Bungie mobile app and they let me turn on blue flames in my iPhone!
Caboose's flames go away
CABOOSE:Oh, wait- I, I lost my signal-
His flames return
CABOOSE:Uhp- there it is again-
They go away immediately
CABOOSE:No it's gone. I need to get to higher ground.
CHURCH:Caboose, the reception in the canyon is terrible, just use the damn website!
CABOOSE:No, I got it!
Away they go
CABOOSE:Oh darnit.
SIMMONS:Yeah, flames are cool. But during the celebration, Bungie's also gonna be telling us about their new project, Bungie Aerospace.
CHURCH:Whoa, seriously!?
SIMMONS:Yeheah, and I got an early look at the presentation too.
CHURCH:You did?
SIMMONS:Yeahah, it's gonna be awesome. What they're gonna be doing is-
SCENE MISSING
CHURCH:Man. That was... a lot of detail, they were all crazy.
SIMMONS:I know!
CHURCH:Especially that one part, you talked about, where they-
SCENE MISSING
When we return, Tucker and a tank are there too
SIMMONS:Hhuh, I also may go see a movie later, maybe catch a bite to eat. Eh, how 'bout you, any plans?
CHURCH:Dude, h-how did we even get on this topic? How much of this last scene did they cut?
TUCKER:No need to pay for dinner guys, all we have to do is play some Reach.
CHURCH:Tucker, that doesn't make sense.
TUCKER:It does if you play Bungie and score a Steaktacular on them.
CABOOSE:In the Bungie Day matchmaking play list.
TUCKER:If you do they'll send you free steak.
CHURCH:Wha- real steak?
TUCKER:That's right.
CABOOSE:And you can cook it on Sarge's head.
CHURCH:Oh yeah, hey how's he doing?
CABOOSE:Well, medium well.
TUCKER:And if steak isn't your thing, they're also gonna auction off rare collectibles from the archives-
CABOOSE:You know, for the Bungie Foundation.
TUCKER:Stuff like concept art, an original illustration of Master Chief, a macaroni statue of Sgt. Johnson... wait what? Dammit Caboose, you wrote that into the list, didn't you.
CABOOSE:My art needs to be seen, and respected.
TUCKER:No, their art needs to be seen. Your art needs to be covered in cheese, and eaten.
CHURCH:All that stuff is great, but you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go out and play some Halo, with the guys that made it, and have given us twenty great years of gaming. So whaddaya say, how 'bout we show them how much we care by filling them full o' lead, and ritually crouching over their lifeless husks.
TUCKER:I'm in.
CABOOSE:Me too!
SIMMONS:Yeahah, get some, bitches!
CHURCH:Sarge?
Sarge collapses
SARGE:Hurrk! Blarg.
CHURCH:Okay I'll take that as a yes. Um, somebody should, probably get a fire extinguisher for him.
Thanks for 10 great years of Halo, Bungie! And congrats on your 20th Anniversary - from your friends and fans all over the world.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
What I Did On My Summer Vacation

Fade in to Church talking with Sarge
CHURCH:Man, I am so excited for the start of Season 9 Sarge.
SARGE:Me too.
CHURCH:And we're totally on easy street this year man. We're just, you know, have to stand around and talk like we usually do. Let those other chumps handle all the action stuff.
CABOOSE:Comiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!
CHURCH:Watch out for the falling rock by the way.
Sarge sidesteps the falling Caboose
SARGE:Thanks.
CHURCH:Yeah no problem.
CABOOSE:Yeah I don't know. I miss all the action sometimes.
SARGE:Uhh, did you just fall out of the sky?
CABOOSE:Yeah.
CHURCH:Caboose, what action do you miss? All we ever did was get our ass kicked by Tex.
SARGE:You weren't even in the action scenes last year Caboose.
CABOOSE:Oh I don't mean last season, I mean during the break.
CHURCH:During the off-season?
SARGE:What were you doing?
Flashback mode!
CABOOSE:(voiceover) Oh, I was outside the base one day and a guy pulled up in a Warthog and told me to get in 'cause I was late. So I got in. And then he took me to this cool place and there was some stuff and then there was some other stuff...
CABOOSE:(regular voice) Touch. Hello!
CABOOSE:(voiceover) And then I met some new people and they were nice and I wasn't scare of them because they looked mean.
CABOOSE:(regular voice) You look scary even though you are smiling. Hello nice lady who is also a robot.
Back to the Gulch
CHURCH:Wait wait a second, wait a second, are you saying... did you go into the campaign?
CABOOSE:Yap- I don't know what that means, so I'm just going to nod and say yes. Yes.
SARGE:Who told you that you could do that?
CABOOSE:Oh the man in the car. He just kept asking me "Are you Six? You are Six, right?" And I'm way older than six, so... I said yes. Every time.
CHURCH:That's not- He didn't- He meant Noble Six, dumbass!
CABOOSE:Yeah, he did seem pretty confused, or maybe he was just confusing, I forget which one. Anyway, me and my new friends went on lots of adventures together.
Flashback!
SOLDIER:I'm not gonna lie to you, Lieutenant, you're stepping into some shoes the rest of the squad would rather leave unfilled.
CABOOSE:Is it because they stepped in gum? I do that all the time.
CABOOSE:(voiceover) Yeah, we saw stuff on fire, and some destroyed stuff, and some stuff that was birds... but mostly stuff on fire that was destroyed.
CHURCH:What!?
SOLDIER:Curve is to the East.
CABOOSE:Crutches made with yeast.
SOLDIER:Let's go.
CABOOSE:Got it.
CABOOSE:(voiceover) And then we rode on a roller coaster that was super fun, and went really, really high.
CHURCH:Because it was a spaceship!
CABOOSE:Raaaaw-blink! Sound effects.
In the flashback, Caboose reaches space
CABOOSE:Iii caaaan't diiiie. Man I can't wait to touch all these buttons.
PILOT:Don't touch any buttons.
CABOOSE:...
PILOT:...
CABOOSE:...touch.
In the flashback, the pilot is jettisoned.
CABOOSE:Come on giant friend, come back soon!
CABOOSE:(voiceover) And then I met this lady who was old and mean but she gave me a present so I liked her.
LADY:Do you have it?
CABOOSE:No, you won't let go.
LADY:Say the words, please.
CABOOSE:The words, please.
SOLDIER:What?
In the flashback, Caboose jumps into a trench
CABOOSE:(voiceover) And then I met some other guys that were totally impressed.
CABOOSE:Hah, yeah that was super hard. Don't try that.
SOLDIER:You jumped over a sand dune. It didn't look dangerous.
Caboose raises one hand in a fist
CABOOSE:Then how did I lose all my fingers?
SOLDIER:What?
Caboose extends his fingers and waves them
CABOOSE:Ah- just kidding.
SOLDIER:Fucking loser.
Caboose sneaks along a low wall
CABOOSE:Deek deek deek deek, deek deek deek, deek deek deek deek deek, deek, deek deek deek deek di- ha!
He jumps down a level
CABOOSE:Deek deek deek, deek deek deek deek deek. I just stepped in some gum. Got to find some peanut butter.
In the flashback, Caboose is being manhandled by someone
CABOOSE:(voiceover) And when my mission was all done they politely dropped me back off at home because they are my new best friends.
SOLDIER:Alright, time for you to leave.
He pushes Caboose out of the ship
CABOOSE:Goodbye! Thank you for the ride! You are my new best friends and I will never forget you! You probably can't hear me though because everyone knows there's no oxygen on a roller coaster! I am yelling quieter now because I am further away from you!
And we're back to the Gulch
CABOOSE:And then I landed back here at home with my real best friends.
CHURCH:Caboose, that was a crazy story dude.
CABOOSE:I know. You have no idea.
SARGE:No - you have no idea.
CABOOSE:Right. Nobody has any ideas.
SARGE:No son, you specifically, have no idea.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 1: Rounding Error

CHURCH:Hi. My name is Leonard Church. But, nobody calls me Leonard.
Fade in to an overhead of Blood Gulch
CHURCH:Most people call me Church. Sometimes they call me Alpha, and a few people even know me as The Director. But I haven't been called that, in a really, really long time. You see, I know that when you look at me, I know I look like a super badass space warrior, but I'm really not. I'm actually a-
TUCKER:Hey Church!
CHURCH:Uh, h-gh- just uh, ignore, uh- I'm actually a computer program, that's been reincarnated in the memory of-
TUCKER:Church!
CHURCH:I'm actually a computer program-
TUCKER:Hey Church!
CHURCH:That's been reincarnated in the memory of a-
TUCKER:Where the hell are you?!
CHURCH:Okay, uh, I'm just gonna start over. Uh I'm just uh- I'll just ta- I'm just gonna go back to the beginning.
TUCKER:Church!
CHURCH:Hi.
TUCKER:Church!
CHURCH:My name is Leonard Church.
TUCKER:Church!
CHURCH:But, nobody calls me-
Hey look, Tucker's on a cliff
TUCKER:Hey Church, come on!
CHURCH:Hhhhhngh. God dammit, what!? What do you want!?
TUCKER:Come on, get up here!
CHURCH:Yeah, okay, hold on, for God's sakes I'm coming. Shut up!
Church heads over to the cliff
CHURCH:God dammit, I can't even have one fucking moment to myself. Can't even be alone with my thoughts, not even for a second. Someone's always gotta fucking yell, or scream or, "come look at this; what's going on over here" or "hey Church, help me out, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing." Fucking assholes. God I forgot how much this place sucks.
Cut to Tucker and Caboose on the cliff
CABOOSE:Now when he gets up here, remember the plan.
TUCKER:Plan? What plan?
CABOOSE:We only have one shot at this, don't let it fall apart.
TUCKER:Why are you talking to me like this is supposed to make sense? Is this another one o' your idiot schemes to make Church your best friend?
CABOOSE:Okay shhh- remember, let me do the talking.
TUCKER:Do the talking about what, idiot?
CABOOSE:Don't worry, I got this.
TUCKER:What would I be worried about, I don't even know what you're doing.
Church arrives, kind of out of breath
CABOOSE:Hey Church, welcome to the cliff.
CHURCH:Hey guys, hey guys-hhh, man, whoo!
CABOOSE:Okay, abort. The plan did not work.
TUCKER:That was it? Okay now I actually wanna know, what was the plan? 'Cause apparently phase one was saying hi. What was next, were you gonna wave?
CABOOSE:Abort. Abort.
CHURCH:Hohw... what're you guys... what do you guys want? *gasp*
TUCKER:Dude, are you fucking dying? You sound like my vacuum cleaner when it picks up a penny.
CHURCH:I'm just a little uh, *gasp* out of breath. I'm not used to this, it's been a while since I uh, had a human body.
CABOOSE:Oh God I know, I- I hate having one of those; i-it's like, it always wants to pee. Like all the time.
TUCKER:What the fuck is everyone talking about today? Did I miss a staff meeting? What other body would you have?
CHURCH:It's uh, it's a long story. Remind me to tell you some time. So uh, what's up, what's goin' on?
TUCKER:We have movement over at the Red Team's base. I thought we should check it out. Actually, I thought we should ignore it, but there's really not anything else to do.
CHURCH:Movement? What kind of movement?
CABOOSE:The red kind.
TUCKER:Remember that new vehicle they got? They've been making modifications to it.
CHURCH:Well that doesn't sound good, how're they modifying it?
TUCKER:I don't know, why're you asking me?
CHURCH:Wait- you've been up here watching them all this time, can't you make a guess?
TUCKER:Well I don't know man, they sure as hell ain't installing a stereo.
CHURCH:Thanks. Caboose, what do you think it is?
CABOOSE:Yeah, actually I was gonna say stereo, but now it seems like a bad idea to say that so now I'm going to say... radio.
TUCKER:That's the same thing, idiot.
CABOOSE:Yup I know, but I still think I won somehow.
CHURCH:Here, let me see the sniper rifle, I'll check for myself.
TUCKER:Do you even know how to use that thing?
CHURCH:Do I know how to use- of course I know how to use it don't uh... hey where's the um... how do I make it do the thing, the, thu... the thing, where everything gets closer? Everything gets closer and bigger? How do I do the closer, bigger thing, with it?
TUCKER:You mean zoom?
CHURCH:Zoom, yeah that's it, zoom. What's tha-oh are you saying, do I say zoom? Zoom. Zoom! Rifle.
TUCKER:Press the black button.
CHURCH:Oh.
Zoom
CHURCH:...Shut up.
TUCKER:Hey I didn't say a word dude.
Cut to the Reds down by the jeep. Donut's wrenching, and Grif is disappearing into the base
DONUT:Okay, that'll do her. Fire it up, boss.
Sarge gets in the jeep and starts it up
DONUT:Let's test this bad boy out. Simmons, hop up!
Simmons mans the gun in the back, and we cut back to the Blues
CHURCH:Huh. Yeah, looks like they've modified their jeep. They changed the turret. What is that, like some kind of radar dish?
TUCKER:I think it's a rocket launcher.
CHURCH:That's impossible. You can't fire rockets from a jeep, dumbass. There'd be too much uh... torque, or something like that. It's probably some kind of like microwave transmitter.
TUCKER:Well, they were loading rockets in it earlier, so, unless they were microwaving explosives for a tasty snack, it's probably a rocket launcher.
CABOOSE:Oh great, now I want a snack.
CHURCH:Hey, didn't you hear what I said about the torque? It's probably like-
A rocket slams into the cliff just below them, throwing them back
CHURCH:Son of a bitch!
TUCKER:Yeah, I'm feeling pretty confident about my rocket launcher guess.
CABOOSE:Yeah I don't know, I think Church was right, I'm pretty sure I just torqued in my pants.
Another rocket hits the cliff, sending Tucker back
TUCKER:Ah! I hate being right all the time.
Back to the Reds
DONUT:Yeah! Almost got ya that time, sluts! Reload, Simmons.
SIMMONS:Alright!
DONUT:Let's put the next one right up their ass.
SIMMONS:Uh, okay, sure, but, you don't need to say it like that. I think the weapon is equally as effective no matter where it hits them.
DONUT:Start stuffing, Simmons!
SIMMONS:Okay okay!
Back to the Blues
CHURCH:...was that Donut?
TUCKER:I don't know, that's the chick who was working on the jeep.
CHURCH:He's not a girl, Tucker, he just wears pink armor. It's a guy.
TUCKER:It is? Are you sure?
CHURCH:Yes, I'm sure.
TUCKER:Uh, then I suddenly feel pretty awkward about something I did twenty minutes ago.
CABOOSE:During Alone Time.
CHURCH:What the hell is Alone Time?
TUCKER:Hey, it's one of the rules of the cliff, dude: what happens in Alone Time stays in Alone Time.
CHURCH:What do you do during Alone Time, Caboose?
TUCKER:Oh, I do the same stuff I do during Together Time... only half.
CHURCH:...What?
TUCKER:Another benefit of Alone Time, not listening to him for a few minutes.
DONUT:Hoo-rah, bitches! Hoo-fucking-rah!
SIMMONS:Yeahah, take that Blues!
DONUT:Next one is blowing your armor clean off!
SIMMONS:Or it'll just hurt you a lot! You know, some of us realize that's enough! Why do you keep making it weird?
CHURCH:Dammit. Rocket jeeps? Donut giving orders? This is gettin' ridiculous. I'm putting a stop to this.
Earthquake?
TUCKER:Church, wait!
CABOOSE:Tucker, get down. They're firing again.
TUCKER:That wasn't a rocket, that was something else. Church, where're you going? Church!
CHURCH:To set things straight, Tucker. If we're gonna do this, it has to be done the right way. Or there's no point in doing it at all, okay? There's an order to things Tucker, an order.
"order" echoes a few times, and we cut to mo-cap - Project Freelancer MCC, Many Years Ago
COUNSELLOR:Our, operatives are, in position, Director.
DIRECTOR:Good, send them in.
COUNSELLOR:If I may say, Sir, my testing indicates that this, might not be the best-
DIRECTOR:The system will determine what's best, Counsellor. The system will determine the order. Send them in.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 2: The Twins

Fade in to Freelancer Command, from the end of the previous episode
COUNSELLOR:Our, operatives are, in position, Director.
DIRECTOR:Good, send them in.
COUNSELLOR:If I may say, Sir, my testing indicates that this, might not be the best, team for the job.
DIRECTOR:The system will determine what's best, Counsellor. The system will determine the order. Send them in.
Fade to two guards walking the beat, shooting the shit, but not actually shooting anything because they're not holding their guns that way
GUARD 1:Christ, is it cold or what?
GUARD 2:How cold do you think it is?
GUARD 1:It, it has to be below freezing, right?
GUARD 2:Well there's ice, so, yeah. Freezing.
GUARD 1:Patrolling in the ice, give me a fucking break.
Bjorndal Cryogenics Research Facility - Arctic Ocean
GUARD 1:You know who doesn't have patrol, in the middle of the night, in the ice?
GUARD 2:I'm sure you'll tell me.
GUARD 1:Jenkins.
GUARD 2:Euh.
GUARD 1:I bet Jenkins is sleeping right now. Back in his rack, with his big fuckin' melonhead, on a soft pillow.
GUARD 2:Yeah, that's Jenkins.
GUARD 1:You know I had terminal duty eight weeks straight? Eight weeks man!
GUARD 2:Ea, lucky you.
GUARD 1:And I make one fucking comment about the CO to Jenkins-
GUARD 2:Huh, that's great.
GUARD 1:And the next thing you know-
A cable descends above Guard 2, pulling him up by the neck, while Guard 1 isn't looking
GUARD 1:I'm out on patrol. Jenkins gets my terminal duty, and I get to freeze my ass off out here, with... Murphy? Come on, Murphy, hey, where are ya? Murph?
He draws his gun
GUARD 1:Stop messin' around, Murph! ...Murph!
VOICE LIKE MURPHY'S:Yeah, in here. I thought I heard somethin'.
GUARD 1:Oh yeah? What'd you hear? A ghost?
He walks through the door and sees a pool of blood on the ground, looks up and sees Murphy
SOUTH:Yeah, I guess you could say something like that.
Agent South Dakota's voice changes from sounding like Murphy to sounding like herself
GUARD 1:What the fuck-
He tries to draw on her, but she knocks the gun away and knocks him down a very deep hole, which has no railings on it for some reason
SOUTH:Hey, we clear?
Pan up to see her brother North Dakota on a rooftop with a sniper rifle
NORTH:Yes South, you're clear. But watch your corners; the smoke is good for cover, but it's playing hell with my thermals. And the cold isn't helping.
SOUTH:What's the time?
NORTH:Don't worry about the time. Worry about the objective. Next patrol's in twenty seconds.
SOUTH:Heh. I'll be gone before that.
NORTH:Ohkay, slow down, South. Set your motion trackers.
South's too busy running around being awesome
SOUTH:Naw, takes too long.
NORTH:So does getting caught, set your trackers.
South runs in a building
NORTH:South, I do not have visual in there. I can't be your eyes if I can't see.
SOUTH:Just trust me North, I got this.
South starts sneaking around all stealthy and shit
NORTH:South, talk to me.
SOUTH:Not right now, North. I see the objective. Going to initiate transfer.
NORTH:While it's loading, set your Goddamn tracker. There's bound to be some- ...South, I got something odd on thermal. Two small dots.
SOUTH:Come on, come on.
NORTH:South, check your six! I think something's in there!
South spins around and draws on a guy holding two hot cups of (presumably) coffee. He looks towards the alarm lever
SOUTH:Don't, even, think about it.
He goes for it, and South shoots him in the shoulder, and he spins from the impact on his way down in slow motion
SOUTH:Aw shit. About to get loud...
South grabs the data key and the random guard's body hits the alarm
NORTH:On my way.
He lands behind two guys and knocks their heads together, and all hell breaks loose
NORTH:Well, so much for keeping quiet. South, meet me at the helipad for extraction.
SOUTH:Roger. Might need a minute.
North and South kick all kinds of ass, and end up near each other
SOUTH:Shotgun!
NORTH:Catch!
North tosses a shotgun back to South, who catches it without looking and shoots someone with it immediately
SOUTH:Thanks.
They kick some more ass, and end up behind two pillars in cover against a sniper
SOUTH:Sniper, top of that building!
NORTH:Switch, on my mark- sync?
SOUTH:Sync!
NORTH:Mark!
They trade places, for some reason
SOUTH:Moving!
NORTH:Go, go go!
South runs forward using a dead person as a human shield, and they both make their way up to the building
NORTH:Watch your left!
They take out the snipers
NORTH:Get the door, I'll hold them off.
SOUTH:Good.
Door opens
SOUTH:Let's move.
They run through the door and continue being awesome
NORTH:Switch!
North runs past South and they continue being awesome
NORTH:Move!
They finish taking out everyone on their own level, to reveal a whole bunch of people pointing guns at them from higher ground
SOUTH:Oh come on.
GUARD CAPTAIN:Attention assholes. Stand down, you're surrounded! Give us the data file, now! You will be taken into custody!


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 3: Number One

Fade in to Freelancer Command
VOICE:Situation is critical, Sir. Should we do something?
DIRECTOR:Yes. Send her in.
VOICE:Roger that.
Radio sounds
VOICE:Come in Number One; Number One, you are green.
DIRECTOR:Activate failsafe.
VOICE:Copy Sir. Initiating beta protocol.
Cut to North and South, still surrounded by people pointing guns at them
NORTH:Well, out of the frying pan and into the fire.
SOUTH:Eh, figure I could take about fifty of 'em. How 'bout you?
NORTH:How 'bout you save your jokes until we get out of this?
SOUTH:Where the hell is extraction?
GUARD CAPTAIN:Attention assholes. Stand down, you're surrounded! Give us the data file, now! You will be taken into custody. We can either do this the easy way, or the hard way. There is no escape, so give us the damn data file!
A Freelancer in black armor (from a glimpse of a name at the end of episode 1 we know this is Carolina) drops down on the ledge and starts kicking ass, then mans the turret that's up there and shoots out the supports of the other ledges, knocking the people from it down to North and South's level
NORTH:Get down! Son of a bitch.
SOUTH:What's going on?
NORTH:It's her.
SOUTH:What? What's she doing here?
Carolina kicks the turret so it spins and shoots in a circle, then jumps down and her armor colour changes to light blue
CAROLINA:Okay, my turn.
Carolina kicks all kinds of ass, and then we settle on a small verbal exchange with fighting in the background
SOLDIER 1:Oh my God oh my God oh my God - yes! A rifle! I'm saved!
SOLDIER 2:Uh, hey man, I hate to bother you, but, I think that's my rifle you're holding.
SOLDIER 1:What the hell are you talking about, just, grab any rifle, like look at that, there's seriously a pile of rifles-
SOLDIER 2:That's my good gun man.
SOLDIER 1:-right there man.
SOLDIER 2:That's the one I sleep with every night.
SOLDIER 1:Are you kidding me man?
Their discussion is interrupted by Carolina kicking one of them into the other, and more ass-kickery ensues until the Guard Captain manages to man the turret and starts firing it
NORTH:South, look out!
He knocks her out of the way and takes a few rounds in the chest
NORTH:Ah!
SOUTH:North- NO!
Carolina tosses a grappling hook into the turret-
GUARD CAPTAIN:What the?-
-and pulls on it, making it shoot a fissure in the ledge it's on, causing it to collapse. Meanwhile, South helps North to the edge of the platform they're on
SOUTH:I got you. Move!
They keep firing at people
SOUTH:Come in Command, we have wounded, you need to get us out of here, right now.
CAROLINA:Come on you two, we're leaving.
Carolina pulls them both backwards over the ledge... and a ship rises up from behind it with the three of them on top of it
CAROLINA:Sorry about the mess, fellas! Package is secure, everybody on board.
They enter the ship
PILOT:Somebody call for a ride?
CAROLINA:You're late.
PILOT:Yeah, well, you can take it outta my tip.
They fly off, and behind them the entire complex blows up
Cut to rockets slamming into the cliff in Blood Gulch
DONUT:Nice shot. Hit them again, Simmons.
SIMMONS:Roger.
More rockets fire off from the jeep
SARGE:Did we hit 'em?
SIMMONS:I don't know, hard to tell.
TUCKER:Missed, bitches!
SIMMONS:Aw dammit.
DONUT:I have a plan. We need to use stealth.
SIMMONS:Great idea.
DONUT:Okay, let's try this: Sir, you lay down some cover fire. Simmons, the two of us can sneak around their backside, and slip on in.
SIMMONS:Okay; just saying stealth was enough man. We don't need to expand on good ideas. Especially after other people have already agreed to them.
SARGE:Sounds good, Sir! I mean, wait, I'm the Sir. But we should do that! Make it so.
Church approaches
CHURCH:Hey Reds, yo! Hold on a second, cease fire.
DONUT:Who the hell is that?
SARGE:It's one of the Blue guys. He's just walkin' up here.
DONUT:By himself? That guy is fucked.
SIMMONS:Totally.
DONUT:He's gonna get totally fucked.
SIMMONS:Okay see? Right there. You changed the way you said it again. Can you not do that please?
CHURCH:Hey guys, hold up, you hear?
They shoot at the ground in front of Church's feet
CHURCH:Ah- what the hell!? Cease fire man, it's me!
DONUT:Yeah we know it's you dipshit. That's why we're shootin'.
CHURCH:I just wanna talk for a second.
SIMMONS:Yeah so what, what does that mean?
CHURCH:You know I just wanna talk to you about... uoh... somet- oh shit. I think I fucked up. I fucked up, didn't I? You guys don't know who I am.
SARGE:Maybe we should give him a chance. See what he has to say. He could provide some intel by accident. Or, give us the Blue perspective. I always wanted to hear that.
DONUT:I wanna shoot him.
SIMMONS:Okay, just to be clear, I understand what you meant by that. I get that you want to shoot him with bullets.
DONUT:Red hot bullets.
SIMMONS:Please, that's enough.
SARGE:Let's hear him out. Then you shoot him.
DONUT:How 'bout I just wound him? Then he can still talk, and I get to shoot him. That's a win/win.
CHURCH:Not for me, I get shot!
SIMMONS:Okay, how 'bout this: Donut gets to shoot you, in exchange for you getting to say what you need to say.
DONUT:Five minutes of talking, for one shot. Where do you want it Blue, the shoulder, or the foot?
CHURCH:Well obviously I would pick the foot, but I don't want you guys to shoot me until-
Donut shoots him in the foot
CHURCH:OW son of a bitch!
DONUT:Okay, your five minutes have started. Go.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 4: Evacuation Plan

Fade in to Tucker and Caboose on the cliff
CABOOSE:What happened.
TUCKER:One of the Reds just shot Church in the foot.
CHURCH:Ow, that fucking hurt!
TUCKER:Do you think we should try to help?
CABOOSE:I don't really see how we can, I can't really get a clear shot at Church from this angle.
Cut to Church and the Reds
CHURCH:How, man, you guys are a bunch of dicks. I just got this foot.
SIMMONS:Four minutes left.
CHURCH:I just want to say, you guys are all mixed up. You're doing it wrong.
DONUT:Doing what wrong?
CHURCH:This! Your team. Like, where's Grif?
DONUT:He's in the base, cleaning up. He loves to keep things tidy.
CHURCH:Naw-no no no, see, that's not right, this isn't the way things are supposed to be. They got all confused somehow. Grif isn't tidy at all, he's filthy!
SIMMONS:He's gonna wash his hands for a week if he hears you say that.
CHURCH:Grif, come on, get out here man!
GRIF:I'm doing my second coat of floor wax. That's when the shine comes to life. I'll be out in a minute!
CHURCH:Ugh, Sarge, come on, be Sarge, yell at him. Get him out here.
SARGE:Why would I yell at a subordinate? Seems unfair to yell at someone who can't yell back.
CHURCH:What that's su-what?
SARGE:Hey, sorry about calling you fellas subordinates-
CHURCH:That's so lame.
SARGE:No offense meant.
DONUT:None taken, boss.
SIMMONS:Actually, kinda like being talked down to.
CHURCH:Okay, seriously, Sarge, come on. You love being in charge, tell these guys to, like you know, shape up or do somethin'.
SARGE:Well, I guess they could be doing a better job.
DONUT:How?
SARGE:Hgh, I just want you guys to feel like you're reaching your full potential.
DONUT:I know I am.
SIMMONS:Me too.
DONUT:My potential is so full, I feel like I could fill up a couple other soldiers' potentials.
SIMMONS:God dammit, mine is just the regular kind of full.
CHURCH:And Donut, come on, man. This isn't you. You're supposed to be, you know free spirited. Not some kind of repressed over-achieving jarhead.
SIMMONS:One minute left.
CHURCH:Dude what, what fucking clock are you using, it's been like fifteen seconds.
SIMMONS:Yeah? And what about me, blue guy. Am I supposed to be different too, you know, someone less nerdy and not lonely every second of the day?
CHURCH:No, you're pretty much spot-on, Simmons.
SIMMONS:Oh. Okay. Great.
DONUT:I've heard just about all I want outta this guy.
CHURCH:Alright I'm leaving, but just remember: this isn't the way things are meant to be. You know it, and I know it. Donut, you're a nice guy, you're not a jerk. Try expressing yourself a little bit, you know, like, start keeping a uh, like a journal, or a diary or something like that.
DONUT:*cough* Wha- a what?
CHURCH:Never mind, never mind, I'm leaving, I'm leaving. I'm gonna limp home now. Okay? Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Church limps off
SARGE:The nerve of that guy. He's just tryin' to get in our heads. Right?
DONUT:How did he know about my diary...
SIMMONS:Your what?
DONUT:Nothing! I have t- I have t- go, log... log this in, s- in my log book.
Donut runs inside the base
GRIF:Donut, don't track mud in here, you know better!
SARGE:What do you think Simmons?
SIMMONS:Hard to say, Sir. He was talking nonsense, but he sounded so sure of himself. I think he should count himself lucky just to get out of this one alive.
Cut back to mo-cap, and the ship with the Freelancers flying away as the facility blows up behind them
CAROLINA:Incoming transmission, I got it. This is vehicle four-seven-niner responding, go for secure.
FILSS:Secure. Hello Agent Carolina.
CAROLINA:Good morning, FILSS. Nice to hear your voice.
FILSS:Is this a bad time? You sound, occupied.
CAROLINA:The L.Z. got a little... hot. We may be late for the rendezvous, but we'll get there. Don't leave without us.
FILSS:Understood. It sounds like the Director was right to send you along to assist the team.
CAROLINA:Seems that way. Can't say everyone on board feels the same.
FILSS:All agents accounted for. Excellent work.
CAROLINA:FILSS, I see a blank spot in the head count. Please verify.
FILSS:We will see you at the rendezvous, Agent Carolina. Fly safe, and have a nice day.
CAROLINA:Roger that, Carolina out. South, check our six.
South drops the wounded North into a chair and looks out the back
SOUTH:Heads up, we got company back here.
Two fighter ships are in pursuit
PILOT:Who are your friends?
CAROLINA:Just some people we met at the party.
PILOT:They seem nice.
A brief dogfight ensues, and the Pilot puts on the brakes, making the fighters shoot ahead
CAROLINA:Nice move; firing missiles.
Missiles are fired, but evaded
SOUTH:Can't you get us out of here?
PILOT:I'm working on it.
SOUTH:Well, What's that noise?
PILOT:They have missile lock.
SOUTH:That's bad.
PILOT:Yes, that's bad.
SOUTH:Take evasive manoeuvers!
PILOT:I'm trying.
Missiles explode nearby
SOUTH:Well try harder!
PILOT:Hey South, do me a favour, would ya?
SOUTH:What?
The door to the compartment South is in closes between them
PILOT:Thanks.
SOUTH:You stupid bitch!
More missiles are fired at them
CAROLINA:Releasing flares.
Flares are released and deal with the missiles, and South gets knocked around in the back compartment as the ship moves around
SOUTH:I hate flying!
South hits a bulkhead and is knocked unconscious (or passes out; hard to say), and North sees what's going on as he wakes up
PILOT:Hey, everybody hold on back there, things are gonna get a little uh...
CAROLINA:Bumpy?
PILOT:Yeah. Uh, well I was gonna say crashy, but yeah, bumpy works.
Into the trench! Missiles explode against the walls around them
CAROLINA:Countermeasures depleted. North, get moving. I'm clearing you for equipment usage.
PILOT:Whatever you're gonna do back there, do it fast.
North sits South down in a chair and locks her in
NORTH:Stay safe Kiddo.
PILOT:North. North!
North takes off his malfunctioning helmet and steps outside onto the hull
NORTH:Well, here goes nothin'.
Facing a bunch of incoming missiles, North activates his armor's ability, which is a bubble shield, and the shield takes the hits, knocking the ship off-course in the direction of down
CAROLINA:Pull up, pull up!
Success!
CAROLINA:There's the rendezvous. If we're gonna make it you'd better punch it.
A large beam weapon evaporates one of the pursuing ships
CAROLINA:Whoa!
A beam evaporates the other
PILOT:Mother of Invention, we're inbound.
FILSS:We will have medical personnel waiting for you in the landing bay. Welcome home, four-seven-niner.
PILOT:Thank you FILSS, good to be home.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 5: Realignment

Fade in to Church still limping back to Blue Base
CHURCH:Ow. Ow. Ow- ow.
CABOOSE:Church! You're home. Welcome back.
CHURCH:Yeah, yeah thanks for helping me while the Reds just shoot me in the God damn foot.
CABOOSE:Yeah, well, you told us to stay on the cliff, and I did. Yeah I was helping.
CHURCH:Oh really, then why aren't you on the cliff right now?
CABOOSE:Aw I thought the helping part was over.
CHURCH:Ow. Ow. Ow, assholes, ow.
TUCKER:You're back already?
CHURCH:What do you mean 'already'? It took me half an hour to limp across this Goddam canyon.
TUCKER:Yeah, but we thought they were gonna kill you. I expect you back, never. So in my mind you're early.
CHURCH:Shut up.
CABOOSE:He is right about the two different times.
CHURCH:You shut up too.
CABOOSE:Alright, well now the helping part is definitely over.
CHURCH:Dammit, y-gh- this is exactly what I get for trying to fix things.
TUCKER:What're you fixing?
CHURCH:Everything, us, the Reds, trying to make things the way they're supposed to be. Yngaw, my foot.
TUCKER:Are you okay?
CHURCH:-m I ok- do I look okay do I sound, okay?
TUCKER:I don't know, you're wearing full body armor and bleeding. That means you're either dying, or just whining.
CHURCH:Well, I'm hurt. Alright?
TUCKER:You want me to call Command, have them send a Medic?
CHURCH:No. No Medic. I'm not hurt that bad. Besides, those guys are just... bad luck.
CABOOSE:I already called Command.
CHURCH:You did?
TUCKER:Caboose, you're not allowed to use the radio.
CABOOSE:Right, unless it's emergency. And then I can use it to call Command. And also 800 numbers I see on TV. 'Cause those are free to call.
CHURCH:800 numbers?
TUCKER:Dammit Caboose, what did you order this time?
CABOOSE:Nothing.
TUCKER:Caboose...
CABOOSE:I pri- I promise you'll not see anything show up here that I ordered, nothing at all. For at least six to eight weeks.
TUCKER:Dammit.
CHURCH:What the hell is he talking about?
CABOOSE:Well you sound upset. You'll probably want some beef jerky. It'll be ready in six to eight weeks.
TUCKER:You ordered a food dehydrator, didn't you.
CABOOSE:Oh you won't be so mad when we're storing twice as much ammo as we normally can!
TUCKER:For the billionth time Caboose, you can't dehydrate bullets.
CHURCH:You actually order all those stupid gadgets that you see on TV?
CABOOSE:Maybe. Sometimes. And that Special Forces person also.
TUCKER:You idiot.
CHURCH:Wait, what did you just say?
CABOOSE:Oh, yes. Yes they are sending someone to help us.
CHURCH:Command is.
CABOOSE:Yes. Unless that's bad, in which case I don't know what you're talking about.
CHURCH:What- they aren't supposed to send anybody 'til after I die.
TUCKER:We thought you were dead, dude. You walked into Red Base.
CHURCH:Caboose, did they say who they were sending?
CABOOSE:Uh, ah-yes, they definitely did.
CHURCH:...
TUCKER:...
CHURCH:Okay, do you remember who they-
CABOOSE:No.
CHURCH:God dammit.
Cut to Red Base
SIMMONS:Hey Grif, Grif.
GRIF:Stop right there, Simmons.
SIMMONS:What, is it danger? The Blues?
GRIF:No. You are not walking across my floor with those boots. I just mopped it.
SIMMONS:Grif, there's no time for this.
GRIF:Time for what, Simmons, a "job well done?" There's always time for that. I believe you know my motto.
SIMMONS:You don't have a motto.
GRIF:That's right, because there's always something more productive that I could be doing. Who has time to sit around making up mottos when they could be buffing the floor.
SIMMONS:Well I need to get through.
GRIF:Sorry, you're just gonna have to wait five more minutes. It's not that long, just do what I do, count to three, a hundred times.
SIMMONS:Why wouldn't I just count to three hundred?
GRIF:Because doing things three times is fun? Turning off light switches, locking the door, turning off light switches...
SIMMONS:You said turning off light switches twice.
GRIF:You're right, I should probably say it a third time, just to make sure that no-one I love dies. Turning off light switches, there, that feels better.
SIMMONS:Dude, you have issues.
GRIF:I also have a clean floor, which you can't walk on.
SIMMONS:But I need to get-
GRIF:Simmons, you know the rules, and what happens when we abandon the rules? Everybody gets germs and dies.
SIMMONS:Oh. Silly me. I forgot the reason I came in here. Sarge wants you to take a break, Grif. You're on break right now.
GRIF:A break. Uh'm not familiar with the concept.
SIMMONS:Just, stop working. Relax.
GRIF:Relax, huh, yeah right. And how exactly would I go about doing that? Is there like a manual, I could read or something I-
SIMMONS:Just stop cleaning, do nothing. Huw, what happened to Donut?
GRIF:He's in his bunk, reading that book he always reads.
SIMMONS:What book?
GRIF:Don't know. I don't ask, he doesn't tell. It's got flowers on it.
SIMMONS:Flowers?
GRIF:And drawings of things, with hearts; he likes to read it and cry.
DONUT:I'm not crying!
SIMMONS:Sarge needs your help Donut. We're building a robot using that robot building kit Command sent us.
DONUT:I'm not really feeling up to it today.
SIMMONS:That blue guy have you depressed? You're bothered by what he said, aren't you.
DONUT:Maybe.
SIMMONS:Why did you listen to him? I didn't even know you had feelings, Donut.
DONUT:Well I do, okay?
SIMMONS:Whatever. Come help us if you want, up to you.
DONUT:Okay. I'll be out in a minute. I wanna get my head together. Need to clean my weapon, maybe light a few candles.
SIMMONS:Uh, candle's really not the best light source for field stripping a pistol.
DONUT:Ugh, not everything is about function, Simmons.
SIMMONS:What did I say?
GRIF:Huh? What I- sorry, I wasn't listening. I was, I was kinda doing nothing.
SIMMONS:Looks like Donut got tracks all over your shiny floor, Grif.
GRIF:Nyeh, oh well. I'm on break anyway, right? Why should I give a fuck.
Earthquake?
GRIF:Whoa, that felt really, really good to say that.
SIMMONS:Hgh, what is wrong with everyone? Man, I hate when things change.
Speaking of changing, let's cut to the Mother of Invention out in SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE! The Director is talking to North, South, and Carolina
DIRECTOR:The data you recovered has pinpointed the location of a very important target for Project Freelancer. Excellent work.
NORTH,  SOUTH AND  CAROLINA:Thank you Sir.
DIRECTOR:Counsellor, please update the board.
The board updates, and North moves up to 4 and South moves down to 5
DIRECTOR:That is all. Dismissed.
South rips off her helmet
SOUTH:You said the mission was a success, Sir.
DIRECTOR:One of the mission objectives was stealth. Your carelessness revealed our intentions and made our next mission more difficult. They'll be ready for us. Dismissed.
South walks off
CAROLINA:Think I should talk to her?
South punches the control panel to open the door, and breaks the panel, which falls to the floor
NORTH:Maybe we give her a minute.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 6: Familiar Feelings

Fade in to Church and Caboose on top of Blue Base
CHURCH:Okay, Caboose, think back. When you called Command, about the Special Forces person, what did they say to you?
CABOOSE:They said, "This is Command, we read you Blue Base."
CHURCH:After that.
CABOOSE:"Roger. Over and out."
CHURCH:Before that. Somewhere between those two. Goodbye and hello are not the important parts of the conversation.
CABOOSE:No I know, and my name isn't even Roger. Although that is a very cool name. I wonder if it fits. "Roger, shut up." "Roger, don't put that in your mouth." "Roger put that down." "Roger will you please be my best friend? Signed, Church! P.S., your new name is the best. I like it. Signed Church. Again."
CHURCH:What did they tell you in the middle? What did they say- I need you to focus, Caboose.
CABOOSE:...
CHURCH:Hugh, my- I need you to focus, Roger.
CABOOSE:Okay. They said that since one of our troops was hurt, and since we're outnumbered, they would send us a Special Agent to help us recover.
CHURCH:And they said that Agent would be here...
CABOOSE:Yes.
CHURCH:No, no. Not- not yes. When?
CABOOSE:When I was on the call with them.
CHURCH:I mean the Special Agent.
CABOOSE:No, no- see the operator said that.
CHURCH:When?
CABOOSE:When I called Command. How else would they tell me?
CHURCH:Okay. Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop, let's just, go through this step by step, okay? You called Command.
CABOOSE:Yes.
CHURCH:And they said they were sending a Special Agent.
CABOOSE:Yes.
CHURCH:To our base.
CABOOSE:Yes.
CHURCH:When did they say, the Special Agent was coming?
CABOOSE:Oh right before they gave me my new nickname.
CHURCH:God dammit Caboose, alright just forget it.
CABOOSE:Naw- see it's Roger now, remember? See I know it can be confusing sometimes, Church you have to keep up.
TUCKER:Hey Roger, what's wrong with Church?
CABOOSE:Oh I don't know, he's having trouble understanding something. You know how he is with that.
Cut to- I'm not calling him Roger. Cut to Sarge and Simmons working on the robot
DONUT:Wow guys, your robot is looking great!
SARGE:Thanks. I didn't even know I was good with machines. You know what they say, necessity is the mother of-
DONUT:Hey Sarge, can I ask you about something?
SARGE:Sure, go ahead.
DONUT:Um, in private?
SIMMONS:Oh, sure, yu- I get it. Don't want me around, that's fine, no big deal. I mean, you're not talkin' 'bout me, right? Ha ha. Aright, you're not talking about me?
DONUT:Be right back Simmons.
Donut and Sarge head off together
SIMMONS:Sure you will, that's just what my Dad said.
Cut to Donut and Sarge off in the wilderness
SARGE:What's up, Donut?
DONUT:Sarge, you ever have... you know, feelings, and stuff?
SARGE:Feelings? Sure, all the time. Who doesn't?
DONUT:I just wanna talk to someone about some thoughts I've been having.
SARGE:Thoughts- about, life and stuff?
DONUT:Yeah. And you always seem so interested in the men, and how we're doing.
SARGE:Well, that's my job. Lay it on me. I'm all ears.
Cut to Church with a tank outside Blue Base
CHURCH:Sheila, turn on, hey- uh, activate! Uh, uh-oh, Phyllis! Phyllis, I command you. Start!
TUCKER:What the fuck are you doing?
CHURCH:I'm trying to turn on the damn tank.
TUCKER:By yelling at it? Why don't you just use the key?
CHURCH:You have keys for the tank?
TUCKER:Nah, they didn't send 'em.
CHURCH:Oh, thanks, you're a big help.
TUCKER:Me? I'm not the one yelling at the tank. Hey, the TV is on the fritz too, you wanna come inside and yell at it? Maybe you could insult its mother or something.
CHURCH:I need to get the tank running before Tex shows up.
TUCKER:Right, the Secret Agent who also just happens to be your girlfriend.
CHURCH:It's, complicated.
TUCKER:And you think if you have a tank, that's gonna impress her.
CHURCH:No, I need it to defend us, in case things get a little... outta hand, with her. Like I said, it's-
TUCKER:Complicated?
CHURCH:Yeah, complicated.
CABOOSE:I had a girlfriend once.
TUCKER:Nobody cares.
CABOOSE:I met her on the Internet.
TUCKER:Aw, man, your girlfriend was a dude.
CABOOSE:Her name was Emilia. She would send me letters all the time.
TUCKER:Sounds high-maintenance.
CABOOSE:Letters from my family. Letters about stuff I ordered online. Even about investment opportunities in other Countries.
TUCKER:What!? Dude, I don't think your girlfriend's name was Emilia. I think it was Email. I'm pretty sure you fell in love with your email.
CABOOSE:She was always there for me. Until I forgot our special word.
TUCKER:You mean your password.
CABOOSE:She never forgave me.
TUCKER:Well then I guess you should have made out with her sister, Voicemilia.
CABOOSE:Oh she talked too much. And she always blinked at me.
CHURCH:Aw, you stupid tank. Just start.
TUCKER:Dude, give it up. Stop working on the tank. You can't pick up chicks in a tank anyway.
CHURCH:What?
TUCKER:Actually, now that I say it out loud, I guess you could pick up chicks in a tank. Well, I could, you can't. So stop messing with it.
CHURCH:I have to do something.
TUCKER:You wanna impress a girl, just listen to me. School's in session, about to start the master class. Professor Fuck, that's me.
Cut back to Donut and Sarge on the hill, and Simmons watching from afar
GRIF:Are Sarge and Donut still talking up there?
SIMMONS:Yeah, it's been a few hours. Maybe I should see if they want anything to eat.
Simmons heads up there, so we cut there first to beat him there, because fuck Simmons
DONUT:And don't even get me started on the design of the new armor. The lines are all wrong. And the colour palette, I mean what is this, Autumn? Am I right? But let's save that for another day.
SARGE:Yeah...
DONUT:Well, thanks for the talk, Sarge.
SIMMONS:So, uh, what were you guys talkin' about?
SARGE:Lots of things. Feelings, mostly.
SIMMONS:That was a long talk.
SARGE:Yes it was.
SIMMONS:Seems like a lot of feelings.
SARGE:Yes it is.
SIMMONS:Well if there's anyone the troops can confide in, it's you Sarge.
SARGE:Simmons, I'm gonna be honest with you. I think he might have used all that up.
SIMMONS:We still have some time for me, right? I have some thoughts I've been wanting to get off my chest.
SARGE:Why don't we just get back to work.
SIMMONS:Back to work after our heartfelt discussion, right Sir?
SARGE:You know what I'm thinking Simmons? Let's just put a pin in that discussion.
SIMMONS:A pin?
SARGE:Or a nail; nails last longer. Or one o' them railroad spikes. Tell you what, let's abandon the pin metaphor all together, let's just take your idea, put it in a box, wrap that box in chains, then cover the whole thing with cement and throw it in the ocean.
SIMMONS:I'll just get back to work Sir.
SARGE:Now that idea I like.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 7: Case File 01.045

Freelancer Case File 01.045 //Level 2 Confidential (DOCUNET) - Mission: Failure, all objectives
Fade in on a ship docking, then cut to Wash approaching another Freelancer who's sitting on a bench
WASHINGTON:It wasn't your fault, Connie.
CONNIE:Easy for you to say. You didn't drop the ball.
WASHINGTON:The ball got dropped. We were all there, it's everyone's responsibility.
CONNIE:Dammit, why are you doing that?
WASHINGTON:What am I doing?
CONNIE:Making excuses for me. I'm not, making excuses for myself. Why are you.
WASHINGTON:I'm trying to make you feel better.
CONNIE:Yeah? Great. Hey, why don't you go make Carolina feel better? Go pat Maine on the head. See how that works out for you.
WASHINGTON:We all make mistakes.
CONNIE:No. We don't. That's the point. We don't all make mistakes. Some of us very specifically make mistakes, and others don't seem to make any, mistakes at all.
WASHINGTON:Connie, come on.
CONNIE:That's why they're doing all this. These missions, the rankings, they're drawing a line between us Wash. And you're either on one side of that line, or you're on the other. And it's getting pretty God damn clear which side I'm on.
WASHINGTON:No-one thinks like that. We're a team.
CONNIE:I'm not, talking about you guys. I mean them. Him.
WASHINGTON:The Director? He's given us everything. He's helping us.
CONNIE:Helping us? Whake up. Wake the fhuck up, he's filtering us. This is a selection process, Wash. I don't know for what, but- if you're not at the top of that board, you're not worth anything to him.
WASHINGTON:You're just over-reacting. You've always been hard on yourself Connie.
CONNIE:Not, as hard as they are.
She thrusts her helmet into Wash's hands
CONNIE:Not nearly, as hard as they're going to be. And don't call me Connie. Makes me sound like a fucking kid. Call me C.T.
She starts walking away
CONNIE:Oh and, that line I talked about? You'd better hurry up and figure out what side you're on, Agent Washington. Before they figure it out for you.
Wash looks at her helmet, and yep, that's C.T.'s helmet from Recreation alright
Cut to the Blues by the water
TUCKER:Alright, class is in session. Students line up over here; teacher on this side.
CHURCH:I'm not doing this.
TUCKER:Dude, you've got a girl coming over. You don't know what to say to her. You need my help. And the first set of lessons is free.
CHURCH:How are you qualified to teach us this stuff?
TUCKER:Are you kidding me?
CHURCH:No, no I'm not kidding. How are you qualified? You talk about girls all the time, I've never seen you with one.
Earthquake?
TUCKER:I'm- I have lots of- okay, just shut up and listen. Stay quiet, and hold all your questions to the end. Now before we start, does anyone have any questions?
CABOOSE:Uh yes. I would like to-
TUCKER:Ah ha! That was a trick question. You're supposed to hold all questions 'til the end.
CHURCH:Oh yeah? Why didn't you hold your trick questions until the end then?
TUCKER:The rules don't apply to me.
CABOOSE:Well maybe my question was a... magic, question too.
TUCKER:Yeah, abra cadabra. You're an idiot. So, we've already learned our first lesson. The rules don't apply to you. Girls like a rebel, someone outside the law.
CABOOSE:Like a criminal?
TUCKER:Mmm, it depends on the crime. Nothing with animals; see, they want someone with a free and independent spirit. Something that they can crush into a raw material that can then be moulded into what they really want.
CABOOSE:What do they really want?
TUCKER:They don't know. Which is why you have to tell them what they want, without actually telling them what to do.
CABOOSE:That sounds hard.
TUCKER:That's why we're doing lessons.
CABOOSE:Um should I- should I be taking notes?
TUCKER:Do you even know how to write?
CABOOSE:Is that another trick question? Can I answer it at the end?
CHURCH:Getting bored here.
TUCKER:Okay, then let's do some role playing. I'll give you critiques on your apporach.
CHURCH:Role playing?
TUCKER:Yeah. Caboose, you play the girl.
CHURCH:You want Caboose to be the woman?
TUCKER:Dude, it's a lot bigger stretch for you to play a man, trust me.
CABOOSE:Um, u- okay, what should I say?
TUCKER:Just say whatever a girl would say.
CABOOSE:Uh-u-okay, um, I uhh, I just really want to meet someone nice, uh you know someone to appreciates me for who I am. Not so much because I'm pretty but because, they really want to get to know me because, they want to find out what my interests are and... then we can spend time exploring the world together and sharing all the wonderful things in life that make it wonderful.
TUCKER:...
CABOOSE:...
TUCKER:What? Do you know girls at all? Talk about how much you like shoes.
CHURCH:Yeah, and about reality TV shows.
TUCKER:Here, Church, you start, just hit on Caboose. Caboose, act like you like Church.
CABOOSE:I've been preparing for this role my whole life.
TUCKER:Shut up. Okay, Church. Your girlfriend just got to base, you see her, and you say...
CHURCH:Uh, hey. Hey there.
CABOOSE:Hello! Giggle! Blinking eyelashes. ...puppies!
CHURCH:I ge- alright, I'm out, I can't do this.
TUCKER:Don't be a baby. Caboose, stop making sound effects. You're a girl now, girls can't make sound effects.
CABOOSE:Quietly angry.
TUCKER:And stop narrating.
CABOOSE:Okay. Fine.
TUCKER:There you go, that's it. That's a girl. Okay Church, hit it, action.
CHURCH:Uh, uh, hey. Uh, what're you doing, what's up? Uh, buh, what's up with what you're doing?
TUCKER:Smooth. Caboose?
CABOOSE:Hhm, okay, uh bi-hih- I was just sitting here thinking about shoes, and celebrities that only have first names.
TUCKER:Perfect.
CABOOSE:Actually if you want the truth I feel like I have to say these things to make myself more appealing when I really think that I should just-
TUCKER:Stop it.
CABOOSE:Okay sorry, okay sorry.
TUCKER:Church, say something rebellious.
CHURCH:Uh, okay, I think the working class, should uprise against the, rich people.
TUCKER:I said rebellious, not revolutionary.
CHURCH:Oh, okay. I drive a fast car over the speed limit. All the time.
CABOOSE:I will go with you anywhere.
TUCKER:See? It's easy!


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 8: Shaking the Foundation

Fade in to the Reds finishing the robot
SIMMONS:Euh, there. Man, that safety switch was hard to bolt on. Probably should've gotten a bigger one.
DONUT:It's not how big the switch is, Simmons; it's how you flip it.
SIMMONS:Donut, shut up!
SARGE:Alright, robot's all done. Time to fire it up! Let's hit the old power button. Who wants to do the honors? Grif?
GRIF:Meh.
SARGE:Well said. Donut?
DONUT:Sorry, just clear-coated my nails. I'm not chipping one of these babies.
SARGE:Alright, Simmons?
SIMMONS:I-d-i- it would be an honor, Sir. Uh, that is, if you're sure you don't wanna do it.
SARGE:Now that you mention it, it does sound kinda fun. I always did like pushing things.
SIMMONS:Oh... okay.
DONUT:Hey Sarge, what's this robot gonna do for us anyway?
SARGE:Oh you know, the usual robot stuff: math we don't wanna do-
SIMMONS:Right, like that exists.
SARGE:Menial tasks like, maintaining the vehicle-
SIMMONS:Maintenance is crucial.
SARGE:Organization-
SIMMONS:Hm, maybe I should make a list of all the robot's duties.
SARGE:And basically any task that no-one wants to do or is part of anyone's official job description.
SIMMONS:Additional work? What you mean like extra credit? No-one told me there was extra credit. What is it. I'll do it.
DONUT:Hey Simmons, sounds like this robot is going to be doing all the jobs you do.
SIMMONS:Heh heh heh... yeahh.
DONUT:Well don't worry. I'm sure Sarge will find some other responsibilities for ya. Right Sarge?
SARGE:...
DONUT:Sarge?
SARGE:Huh? Oh right. One of the robot's functions is to answer awkward questions that I don't want to. Better turn him on. Here we go, let me just get this panel up. Make some specific noise and then drop it on the ground...
Earthquake?
SARGE:Holy guacamole!
SIMMONS:Gaaaah, another earthquake! Everyone institute emergency plan! Hold on a second let me put on my Marshall's vest. Everyone just remain calm, whatever you do don't-
Earthquake stops
SIMMONS:Panic.
DONUT:Looks like the earthquake stopped.
SIMMONS:Yeah.
DONUT:You're just disappointed that no-one got to use the emergency plan, aren't you Simmons.
SIMMONS:Sorta.
DONUT:Aw, there there, don't feel bad. No-one's read it anyway.
SIMMONS:Oh. That's a relief.
LOPEZ:Hola. Me llamo Lopez. Gracias por la activacion de mi.
DONUT:Ooh-hoo, robot's on!
LOPEZ:¿Como estas?
SIMMONS:Uhh, is he speaking Spanish?
DONUT:Sounds like it.
SIMMONS:Maybe the quake messed something up when you activated him, Sarge. Could be a polarity issue...
SARGE:Actually I ordered the Espanol speech unit on purpose.
SIMMONS:You did?
SARGE:Yeah. I thought if we had a little multiculturalism around here, we could all learn Spanish together. Get closer as a unit.
DONUT:Speaking of getting our units closer-
SIMMONS:Not now Donut. Seems inconvenient Sarge.
SARGE:Yeah it does. Don't know what the hell I was thinkin'. Seems really outta character for me.
Earthquake
LOPEZ:¡Alarma! ¡Alarma! ¡Terremoto! ¡Alarma! ¡Alarma! ¡Terremoto! ¡Alarma!
DONUT:Hey, look Simmons! He's already doing your job!
SIMMONS:Great.
DONUT:Want me to get your vest?
Cut to the Blues over at Blue Base
TUCKER:Whoa, there's another quake.
CHURCH:Yup.
TUCKER:You don't seem too worried.
Earthquake stops
CHURCH:No I'm not. Because I know all this, isn't real.
TUCKER:Not real? You mean not real like your fake girlfriend?
CHURCH:My g- no no no, my girlfriend is real, it's the world that's fake. Yknow, everything in it.
CABOOSE:Aaearthquake!
CHURCH:That was ten seconds ago. Man, you really need to get your reflexes checked.
CABOOSE:Maybe I was just early for the next one. Now you'll be ready for when it happens.
CHURCH:Oh shut up.
CABOOSE:Meteor.
TUCKER:So everything in the world is fake, except your girlfriend.
CHURCH:Right.
TUCKER:Who's in the world.
CHURCH:Yes.
TUCKER:Where everything is fake.
CHURCH:Correct.
CABOOSE:Well I am following all of this as well as I follow everything else.
CHURCH:You see, all this, see- okay, we're just, inside a memory unit. Which is sitting in a snowbank, somewhere in the world. The real world.
TUCKER:A snowbank?
CHURCH:Right, and that memory unit is dying, so, we're feeling all these like you know, little quakes and stuff.
TUCKER:If we're in a snowbank, why isn't it cold?
CHURCH:I don't know, it, it- it doesn't work like that it's, it's like being inside of a snowglobe.
TUCKER:Yeah, but a snowglobe has snow in it.
CABOOSE:I thought it was a globe made of snow.
CHURCH:Hugh, you're not getting it- okay, try to think of it as like, uhh... it's like a diorama.
CABOOSE:Ah yes, cafeteria for dinosaurs.
CHURCH:Shut up Caboose.
CABOOSE:Thai food.
TUCKER:So this memory snowbank thing: it's just sitting there, and we're inside it doing all this stuff. Why?
CHURCH:I don't know, I- I guess it's so that I can, you know, figure out about Tex and... what I'm supposed to do. And if I can't figure it out well, then I just need to... move on to the next memory unit I guess.
TUCKER:Rihight. And that's about finding those Freelancer guys you talked about before.
CHURCH:Exactly.
TUCKER:And going on some big adventure with them and finding the snow memory.
CHURCH:Memory unit.
TUCKER:Whatever, and then going into it.
CHURCH:Yes.
TUCKER:Even though we're already inside it.
CHURCH:And so on, and so forth.
TUCKER:And so on and so on, until what happens?
CHURCH:I-I don't know, if I knew that I could stop already.
TUCKER:And we have to do all that before the memory unit laying in the snow, dies, and we're all crushed by falling rocks.
In the background, a giant boulder falls from above (as opposed to falling from below?)
TUCKER:Good timing.
CHURCH:Yeah it was.
CABOOSE:Well if only there had been some type of warning system in place.
TUCKER:Okay, I think it all makes sense now.
CHURCH:Uh, good, I'm glad.
TUCKER:Dude, that was a fucking joke, I have no clue what's up.
CHURCH:You know, it doesn't seem that hard to me man.
TUCKER:I know one way to check: hey Caboose, explain what's going on. Recap for us.
CABOOSE:We're going to eat lunch with dinosaurs.
TUCKER:Yep, perfect sense.
CABOOSE:I'm going to eat a giant egg!


Red vs. Blue Season 9
PSA 3: Gaming Etiquette

Fade in to Sarge and Church
CHURCH:Hi, I'm Private Church from the popular web series, Red vs. Blue.
SARGE:And I'm Sarge, from the same show.
Tremor
SARGE:You know, back in my day, multiplayer gaming used to be a little different.
CHURCH:You know in the modern days of gaming, you don't even have to know a single person to get together an awesome match.
SARGE:However at some point in your life, you'll find yourself sitting down on a couch, next to some other people for some good ol' fashioned gamin'.
CHURCH:And these in-person encounters can be rather awkward, if you're not prepared.
SARGE:That's why we would like to present our handy guide, to gamer etiquette.
CHURCH:The place where you are most likely to run into problems, is the dreaded controller handoff.
SARGE:When your friend hands you a controller, you are likely to run into a few possible problems. The first being what's known as, the hot'n'wettys.
CHURCH:Intense gaming can produce higher heart rates, and thus, higher body temperatures.
SARGE:And thus sloppy sweaty palms preheating your controller into a steamy moist mush factory.
CHURCH:This may be a level of intimacy for which you are unprepared.
SARGE:To protect yourself, we recommend packing a set of fingerless gloves to any LAN party. They're fashionable, and they leave your fingers free for successful fragging.
CHURCH:And more importantly to prevent the unwanted transfer of human warmth from your friend, to you, thus fuelling your body using his metabolic process, which when you think about it, is kind of gross.
SARGE:When you say it like that, it is gross.
CHURCH:And also so you don't have a situation where you get covered in your friend's moist hand slime.
SARGE:Also it's possible that your friend will let you borrow their own controller to play the game. This may also cause an, unfortunate situation.
CHURCH:The existence of shitty, third-party controllers means that your friend will be faced with a choice. He can give you the nice first-party controller...
SARGE:Or he can saddle you with the extra small controller made of some kind of plastic/paper hybrid, with four triggers and rhythm game attachments.
CHURCH:But even in a situation where the controllers are the same and equally as good, you can still encounter some uncomfortable situations.
SARGE:The worst of the scenarios, is the dreaded inversion discovery.
CHURCH:For instance let's just say you like your controllers to be the normal setting, where up is up and down is down.
SARGE:And why wouldn't you?
CHURCH:Sarge, we're not here to pass judgment. But let's just say your friend, prefers an inverted controller scheme, where down is up, and up is down.
SARGE:What is with some people?
CHURCH:Sarge... Now, discovering that your friend prefers the opposite controller scheme, can be one of the strongest tests of any friendship.
SARGE:It may cause you to question everything you know about the person. How could they think in this backward manner? Are they retarded? Do I know anything about them at all? Are they retarded?
CHURCH:The important thing, is to not react too quickly. ...This is no good for anyone.
SARGE:Try to take some time, and contemplate what you've learned about your friend, and yourself. Maybe the way you've looked at the world has been wrong all this time.
CHURCH:Who knows, maybe you'll find that a inverted controller just makes sense. I mean, that's how planes work, right?
SARGE:Most games aren't flying games though. What about driving games?
CHURCH:Driving games don't have an up and down.
SARGE:Yeah, but they could.
CHURCH:Then they would be flying games!
SARGE:What about FPSes? You don't look up in real life to look down.
CHURCH:You don't use a controller in real life!
SARGE:Shut up Blue.
CHURCH:Oh hey Sarge? This is for you. Check it out buddy.
SARGE:Ah, flipping me off, huh? Why didn't you point your finger down? That would make more sense! Hah!
CHURCH:Oh shut up.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
PSA 4: Drafted

Fade in to Sarge and Caboose
SARGE:You know Caboose, people are constantly writing us email here at Red vs. Blue.
CABOOSE:Yeah, I know, I got one today. What, what did, what did it say again?
SARGE:One of the most common emails is for us to put Red vs Blue character voices, in Firefight.
CABOOSE:Right. Firefight. That was an email.
SARGE:But we don't have any control over the voices in Firefight.
CABOOSE:No, but the email said we could do some-thing...
SARGE:There's really no way to change that. Unless, you know they just, send us into Firefight or something crazy like that.
VOICE:FIREFIGHT.
Green goo starts hitting them
CABOOSE:Oh, I just remembered what the email said.
SARGE:What the-
VOICE:Covenant forces inbound. Defend this zone. Set start.
Church's view
CHURCH:Alright let's go bitch!
He misses with the sniper rifle
CHURCH:Dammit. Come on... Oh what's up little guy-
He misses with the sniper rifle again.. and again... and again
CHURCH:Dammit! Dammit! Oh come on!
To close combat, where he misses again
CHURCH:Take that- dammit!
He takes it out with the butt of his gun
CHURCH:That's still a sniper kill. I used the sniper rifle. That still counts. Where- come on there, come here.
He sticks the baddie with a grenade
CHURCH:Oh my God did you see that? I stuck him! That was awesome.
He picks up a target locator and uses it
CHURCH:What does this thing do, laser beam? Oh wow, painted it red. Woohoo!
Death from above kills everything in the area
CHURCH:Whoa! This weapon is awesome! Hey Tucker, come here, see how many guys I killed with the sniper rifle.
A spaceship attacks
CHURCH:Oh come on, what am I fighting spaceships now? That's bullshit.
He dies
CHURCH:Hurk- blah.
Sarge's view, firing at distance with a shotgun
SARGE:Someone really needs to improve the range of this weapon. Take that, take that! Come closer and take that! Alright fine, just take this
He lobs a grenade, then fights at closer range
SARGE:There we go! Plus range. This works better. I love that so many of these guys are orange. Makes them so enjoyable to kill! Blue blood? Huh, great. Now the only thing I hate more than aliens is their blood! What a dilemma. Wonder if I could kill their blood.
Doc/O'Malley's view
VOICE:Killing spree!
DOC:I haven't had a killing spree since my last residency.
O'MALLEY:Shut up, you work in a free clinic. Hua huhh, huh.
Backing up from an advancing alien
DOC:Oh little guy, calm down just relax. Deep breaths, okay?
O'MALLEY:How 'bout deep bullets. In through the eye, out through the cerebral cortex!
DOC:O'Malley, that's not very nice.
O'MALLEY:Shut up. It's the appropriate amount of nice.
DOC:Mahan, so much aggression. You'd think invading other planets would be good stress relief.
New shot
O'MALLEY:Taste oblivion! Muahahahaah.
VOICE:Overkill.
DOC:Overkill! Isn't it great when you do things together? So much more fun.
O'MALLEY:Quiet, wet nurse. Puh.
In a vehicle, running down three in a row
O'MALLEY:Yes, line up you fools. Welcome to your doom, hahaha!
Crash, die
DOC:Great team effort everyone.
Simmons' view, with a Grif bonus! Simmons gets in the back of a jeep to man the turret, and Grif gets behind the wheel
SIMMONS:I'll gun.
GRIF:Oh God this sucks!
SIMMONS:Hurry up, get in the jeep and drive!
GRIF:Don't tell me what to do!
SIMMONS:Aha, slow down! Sixty-five percent of traffic fatalities are from excessive speed.
GRIF:Simmons this is not the time, stop backseat driving!
They get Emped
SIMMONS:Dude, start it, turn it over!
GRIF:Obviously, I'm trying!
And they're back on the road again
SIMMONS:Who knew Grunts were so scary when there're so many of them.
Just Simmons now, with a rifle
SIMMONS:Yeah, suck it, take that! Ah, it didn't work! Retreat!
He assassinates an alien
SIMMONS:And around the tree trunk, through the canopy, bring the tree down. Yeahah, Sarge would be proud.
Caboose
CABOOSE:Deek deek deek, I have a tank. Deek dadeek deek deek I have a tank.
Driving it now
CABOOSE:Driving, driving, busy busy. Sorry, that's not my fault someone put your body in my way. Hey do you guys need a ride? Oh, no- sorry, sorry.
Walking with a rifle now
CABOOSE:Here I will make everyone better. Free grenades, everyone gets one!
VOICE:Overkill!
CABOOSE:Don't stop killing, this is just a mistake. Oh, oh how 'bout you guys, do you want free grenades too? Don't worry they are free. And, sticky! You can have the last one! No- no, no no ple-
The last sticky kills Caboose too
CABOOSE:Ow.
VOICE:Game over.
CABOOSE:Is the game over? Can uh someone put in another quarter please?


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 9: Captive Audience

Fade in to the Reds in the Gulch
LOPEZ:Estos terremotos parecen estar a peornado.
CAPTION:These earthquakes seem to be getting worse.
SARGE:Good point Lopez. I don't understand what you said, but you presented it in such a confident manner that it must be right.
GRIF:Man, that new robot really seems to be fitting in around here.
SIMMONS:Yeah. I noticed.
GRIF:He's pretty popular.
SIMMONS:Awesome.
DONUT:Yeah, even though no-one understands him, people seem to really wanna get past the rough robotic exterior, and get to know the inner Lopez.
SIMMONS:Sooooo happy for him.
DONUT:Me too. Wait, was that sarcastic?
GRIF:Yeah dude, I have to admit, that one was off the charts even for my sarcastic meter.
LOPEZ:He notado un patrón en la activada sísmica.
CAPTION:I have noticed a pattern in the seismic activity.
LOPEZ:Se necesita más estudio.
CAPTION:It needs further study.
SARGE:Ha ha ha ha, oooh, good one Lopez. Man, you are a riot.
LOPEZ:No, usted no me entiende.
CAPTION:No, you don't understand me.
GRIF:Haheheheha. Man, all that, and the guy's a comedian. God, I wish my sidekick could be funny like that. What's your problem Simmons?
SIMMONS:What- you don't even know what he said. How could he be funny?
GRIF:Whatever, I guess you just had to be there.
SIMMONS:I was right here!
LOPEZ:Tengo acceso a los siguientos equipos:
CAPTION:Stop laughing. I need access to the following equipment:
LOPEZ:Sismógrafo, Sismógrafo Avanzada...
CAPTION:Seismograph, Advanced Seismograph...
SARGE:Alright, nice chattin' with you Lopez, now enough jokes. Get back to work polishin' stuff. Stuff's not gonna polish itself, you know?
LOPEZ:Aquí todo el mundo está en peligro.
CAPTION:Everyone here is in danger.
LOPEZ:Tiennes que escuchar me.
CAPTION:You need to listen to me.
SARGE:Heh heh, well okay, one last joke. But that was it! Now seriously, back to work.
DONUT:Hah hah hah, I just got that one too. Boy, he really makes you think.
GRIF:It's like he's saying what we're all thinking, but in Spanish.
SIMMONS:You guys are idiots. I'll show you who's likeable and funny. And who people like.
Simmons walks off
DONUT:Huh, what's wrong with Simmons?
GRIF:Huh? Eu- I don't care. Hey, Donut- let's go hang out with Lopez.
DONUT:Great idea!
SIMMONS:I'll show them. Yeah I'll show them good.
Cut to the Blues standing outside their base
CHURCH:Yno- okay okay, it's like when a computer tries to solve a problem. Do you know what recursion, is?
CABOOSE:Yeah I, I love that movie.
CHURCH:No no it's like, it's like the thing where a computer tries a number of different iterations to solve a problem, then when it gets to the end, it returns all those solutions back up the line to the first iteration, and then it has its solution. Does that make sense?
TUCKER:You're saying you're a computer.
CHURCH:No no no, no, actua- well actually yes, yeah sort of I'm actually, I am, a computer, kind of I'm, well I'm a computer program.
TUCKER:But your foot is bleeding.
CABOOSE:And your breath kinda stinks. You know I, I wasn't gonna say anything before but you know since we're, all telling the truth about each other...
TUCKER:Caboose you're an idiot.
CABOOSE:Well I didn't realize how much words could hurt until it was my turn. I don't think I wanna play this honesty game any more.
CHURCH:No I- I'm a real person in here because this is all constructed. By memories of the person that I'm based on. Same as me - I'm all the memories of that guy.
TUCKER:Who is that?
CHURCH:It's another program called Alpha who is, kind of a dick. And he was based on a guy named The Director. Who was, also, kind of a dick.
TUCKER:Well, I can see you're continuing with grand tradition.
CHURCH:Yeah, I'm very proud.
TUCKER:It's quite a lineage.
CABOOSE:I grew up on a moon.
CHURCH AND  TUCKER:Nobody cares.
CABOOSE:You're all just jealous.
TUCKER:And this girl who's coming is that original guy's girlfriend.
CHURCH:Yeah I think I don't remember exactly.
TUCKER:I thought you were that guy's memory?
CHURCH:No I'm the other guy's memory, the middle one.
CABOOSE:Did he have a girlfriend?
CHURCH:No- wait. E- maybe.
TUCKER:Dude, I don't know how any of you got any girlfriends spouting all this sci-fi bullshit. You guys ever talk about football for God's sakes?
CHURCH:Look, I just know I'm supposed to meet this girl, and I'm supposed to fall in love.
CABOOSE:Yeah, and then what happened?
CHURCH:I don't know! We, we do whatever people do when they fall in love.
CABOOSE:I'm asking a specific question; you should give me a specific answer.
CHURCH:What are you taking notes?
CABOOSE:No. ...maybe.
CHURCH:My job, is to solve this problem, or pass it along. That's it.
TUCKER:So you follow this girl down through the levels of the memory iterations, and you basically try to figure out how to make things work. Even though she doesn't like you.
CHURCH:She likes me she's just sh- you know-
CABOOSE:Mean.
CHURCH:Yeah, thanks Caboose. She's mean.
CABOOSE:Yeah it was an easy guess. You know 'cause all girls are pretty much mean.
TUCKER:Can I just say, this might be, the creepiest stalker scenario I've ever heard. And I've made a few myself.
CHURCH:What?!
TUCKER:You kiss a dead girl through a memory, and every time she escapes you, you either follow her down to the next set of memories, or resurrect her in some way. Only to do it all over again.
CHURCH:That's not stalkerish that's... romantic.
TUCKER:You know what the difference between stalking and romance is? Romance happens in movies. In real life, it's called stalking.
CABOOSE:Well maybe all of this is happening inside of a movie.
HISSSSSSS
TUCKER:Tc, oh please, who the fuck would watch that movie? All we ever do is stand around and talk.
HISSSSSSS
TUCKER:Hey you dropped your grenade.
CHURCH:That's not mine. Caboose, pick that up.
CABOOSE:I'm not allowed to carry grenades, remember? Because of that one exploding time?
HISSSSSSS
CABOOSE:Which was no one's fault.
Tremor
CHURCH:Well I didn't drop it. Tucker, count yours.
TUCKER:I have a readout on my helmet dummy, I don't need to count.
HISSSSSSS
CHURCH:Oh right. Well it has to be somebody's.
HISSSSSSS
TUCKER:Fuck, somebody threw a grenade at us, didn't they.
CHURCH:Yeah, we probably should have figured that out sooner, right?
BOOM!
EVERYONE:Aah!
Cut to Project Freelancer, with North talking with Wash
NORTH:Hey Wash, wait up. Listen, I heard you had a meeting with Internals.
WASHINGTON:Oh, you did?
NORTH:Yeah, do you mind if I ask what it was about?
WASHINGTON:Hm, not really supposed to talk about that.
NORTH:Help me out here... I'm still getting heat about using equipment in the field.
WASHINGTON:You did? Really? Without a pipeline back to the Command server?
NORTH:I had to improvise. We had a problem.
WASHINGTON:Let me guess, are you related to the problem?
NORTH:Okay, now I don't wanna talk about it.
WASHINGTON:Equipment in the field. Y'know don't forget what happened to Utah during training, you're lucky it didn't kill you.
NORTH:If I was lucky, I wouldn't have needed to use it at all.
WASHINGTON:Well, you can relax. Internals didn't ask about you.
People start running past them in the hallway
WASHINGTON:It was something else, lots of questions about the insurrection and, transmissions coming out of our-
One of them bumps into Wash
SOLDIER:Sorry Sir.
WASHINGTON:Hey, what's going on? Soldier, where is everybody running?
SOLDIER:New agent, squaring of against Maine, Wyoming and York on the training room floor. We're going to watch! Hey guys, wait up!
NORTH:Three on one?
FILSS:Five, four...
WASHINGTON:I gotta see this.
FILSS:Three...
NORTH:Yeah, right behind you.
FILSS:Two, one, round begin
Cut to all three of them running at the new agent, and getting smacked back in one swing. It's Tex! And you get to wait until next episode to see what happens!


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 10: Introductions

Fade in to Wash and North, and their conversation from the end of the previous episode
NORTH:Hey Wash, wait up. Listen, I heard you had a meeting with Internals.
WASHINGTON:Oh, you did?
NORTH:Yeah, do you mind if I ask what it was about?
WASHINGTON:Hm, not really supposed to talk about that.
NORTH:Help me out here... I'm still getting heat about using equipment in the field.
WASHINGTON:You did? Really? Without a pipeline back to the Command server?
NORTH:I had to improvise. We had a problem.
WASHINGTON:Let me guess, are you related to the problem?
NORTH:Okay, now I don't wanna talk about it.
WASHINGTON:Equipment in the field. Y'know don't forget what happened to Utah during training, you're lucky it didn't kill you.
NORTH:If I was lucky, I wouldn't have needed to use it at all.
WASHINGTON:Well, you can relax. Internals didn't ask about you.
People start running past them in the hallway
WASHINGTON:It was something else, lots of questions about the insurrection and, transmissions coming out of our-
One of them bumps into Wash
SOLDIER:Sorry Sir.
WASHINGTON:Hey, what's going on? Soldier, where is everybody running?
SOLDIER:New agent, squaring of against Maine, Wyoming and York on the training room floor. We're going to watch! Hey guys, wait up!
NORTH:Three on one?
FILSS:Five, four...
WASHINGTON:I gotta see this.
FILSS:Three...
NORTH:Yeah, right behind you.
FILSS:Two, one, round begin
Cut to all three of them running at the new agent, and getting smacked back in one swing. Pan up to the observation room
CAROLINA:What's going on down there? There's no training sessions on the schedule.
SOUTH:It's impromptu.
CAROLINA:Who the hell is that?
SOUTH:Some new recruit.
Maine and York get up and run at the new guy, and get knocked on their asses right away
WASHINGTON:Wow. He sure doesn't move like he's a recruit.
SOUTH:Why do you assume it's a guy? She's a girl.
WASHINGTON:Oh- I didn't really mean that he... I mean it... Oh da-da- I mean her... I-
SOUTH:Right.
WASHINGTON:Sorry.
SOUTH:Just shut up.
CAROLINA:Both of you, can it.
SOUTH:I think someone might be a little concerned about their position.
CAROLINA:Hey South, pay attention. You might actually learn something if you stop running your mouth for a minute.
Tex kicks some ass, and leaves Maine staggering as he gets back up
FILSS:Round one, over. Pugilsticks training complete. Point awarded, to Texas. The current score is Team 1, zero points, Texas, one point.
WASHINGTON:Texas, huh?
CAROLINA:I thought that name was reserved.
WASHINGTON:Nice moves.
CAROLINA:Could be luck. We'll see.
FILSS:Advantage, Texas. Beginning hand to hand combat. Round two in five, four, three, two, one, round begin.
YORK:Okay guys, this one should be easy. Let's just play it by the book. Maine, how 'bout you flank left, and then-
Maine runs up and gets beat on and knocked back
YORK:Or you could just charge in and get immobilized first. Okay, Wyoming, let's stick together and-
Wyoming runs up and gets beat on and knocked back
YORK:What's the story, am I the only one on this team that knows how to talk?
TEX:I don't think talking's your problem.
YORK:Oh no!-
Round two, fight! Tex kicks some ass
WASHINGTON:Wow!
NORTH:Hoh-okay, that was pretty impressive.
YORK:Okay guys, that obviously didn't work so well. How 'bout this time we stay in formation, and instead of li-
Maine and Wyoming run past him towards Tex
YORK:Dammit. Can't believe I actually volunteered for this crap.
Ass. Tex is kicking it
FILSS:Round over. Point Texas. Hand to hand combat complete. Now resetting the floor, for lockdown paint scenario.
Several pillars emerge from the floor in a grid pattern
WASHINGTON:Ah... I hate that paint.
SOUTH:Tell me about it. It stings like a bitch.
NORTH:Turns your armor hard as a rock.
CAROLINA:I wouldn't know. It's not bad if you don't let it hit you.
WASHINGTON:Thanks. I'll try to remember that.
FILSS:Round three in five, four, three, two, one, round begin.
The three stooges grab some guns and get behind some pillars
YORK:Maine, Maine- look, I'm gonna move left, you go-
Maine runs out and gets shot
YORK:Or you just run out and do whatever you want and then get killed. Ready, break.
Maine's body flies impotently back the way he came
YORK:Good job everybody.
Camera pans back and we see Wyoming with paint on his face
YORK:Oh man it's gonna be a long day.
A bunch of rounds of this goes by, usually with Maine and Wyoming getting shot preemptively, and often in the face
FILSS:Point Texas.
More... York ends up whispering to a shot Wyoming
YORK:Hey... Wyoming... Hey, where is he, can you see him?
A gun rests against the back of his head
YORK:You know what? Never mind man, I think I figured it out.
The three wise guys finally figure out how to work as a team, but it doesn't help
FILSS:Point Texas.
Lots more of the same
FILSS:Another point for Texas.
And more of the more
FILSS:After eight rounds, the score is zero-eight, advantage Texas.
YORK:Yeah 'advantage' is the right word, FILSS.
FILSS:Round nine begins in five...
Wyoming and Maine exchange their paint magazines for real bullets
YORK:Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?
FILSS:Four, three, two, one, round nine begin.
Maine and Wyoming open fire
WASHINGTON:What? Are they using live rounds on the training floor?
C.T.:Looks like it.
WASHINGTON:That's against protocol, they're going to kill her!
C.T.:Probably.
WASHINGTON:Someone should get the Director.
C.T.:The Director? Who do you think gave them the ammo?
CAROLINA:Watch your mouth C.T.
Maine and Wyoming continue firing
YORK:Back off man.
Bang bang
YORK:Enough of this.
Bang bang, and York ends up in front of Tex with her gun pointed at his face
YORK:Look out! Hey, I'm trying to help.
TEX:I don't need your help. Never abandon your team.
Wyoming tosses Maine a grenade, and the fighting continues. Maine's hand gets frozen to a post, Wyoming manages to wing Tex, and we hear a brief electronic fizzle before she kicks Wyoming's ass. York puts his hand on her shoulder
YORK:Hey, don't-
Bad move, it turns out. Maine gets free and gets shot a bunch, but tosses the grenade. Tex leans out of the way, and her arm sparks, and the grenade lands next to the downed York
TEX:Hey!
York turns to look, and Tex shoots him all full of paint before the grenade goes off
YORK:Ah!
SOLDIER:Shit!
WASHINGTON:Dammit, those maniacs!
SOLDIER:Look what those fuckers are doing!
CAROLINA:FILSS, we need a medic to the training floor STAT.
FILSS:Medical team en route. Please remain calm.
CAROLINA:York, York!


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 11: Lifting the Veil

We fade in to the tail end of the previous episode. Maine tosses the grenade. Tex leans out of the way, and her arm sparks, and the grenade lands next to the downed York
TEX:Hey!
York turns to look, and Tex shoots him all full of paint before the grenade goes off
YORK:Ah!
SOLDIER:Shit!
WASHINGTON:Dammit, those maniacs!
SOLDIER:Look what those fuckers are doing!
CAROLINA:FILSS, we need a medic to the training floor STAT.
FILSS:Medical team en route. Please remain calm.
The Freelancers rush onto the floor
CAROLINA:York, York! Get over here now!
A medical team approaches
YORK:Ouhhh...
WASHINGTON:Is he gonna be okay?
CAROLINA:Come on York, hang in there.
SOUTH:Can't believe she did that to him.
In the background, a medic tries to help Maine
MAINE:Get off me!
SOUTH:Shot his armor, sacrificed him.
WASHINGTON:Lockdown hardens the armor. She probably saved his life.
NORTH:Quick thinking.
CAROLINA:Yeah. Really quick.
DIRECTOR:Everyone! Stand down, now!
The Freelancers line up, and the alarm stops
DIRECTOR:You should be ashamed o' yourselves. I expect you to act as a team.
WASHINGTON:They used live ammunition on the floor, Sir, that's against regulations.
DIRECTOR:Do you think our enemies will care about regulations on the battlefield, Agent Washington?
WASHINGTON:So, y- you're not punishing them?
DIRECTOR:Ingenuity, and adaptability, are admirable traits.
The medics roll York over, and his facemask is entirely fractured in place
DIRECTOR:You should all learn something from this. Dismissed.
C.T.:Yeah. We should've learned something, alright.
WASHINGTON:I can't believe this!
C.T.:Don't forget to check your place on that list, Wash.
The medics help Tex to her feet, and her arm sparks again
TEX:Don't touch me.
CAROLINA:Interesting.
Cut to a white screen
CHURCH:Ow what the hell was that!? I can't see anything! Tucker where are you? Caboose are you dead? I hope so.
As Church talks, the three of them fade into view properly
TUCKER:Ow, what was that?
CHURCH:I think it was a flashbang, I can't see.
CABOOSE:WHAT?
TUCKER:Well it's a good name because it definitely went flash and bang.
CABOOSE:WHAT?
CHURCH:Oh my God, are we under attack? Is it the Reds?
TUCKER:I don't know, I can't see anything either. My mother always said I would go blind, but for a totally different reason.
CABOOSE:WHAT?
CHURCH:Caboose, stop saying 'what.' You can't hear.
CABOOSE:Can of beer? But this is not the time!
CHURCH:You're deaf.
CABOOSE:Oh no! I had so much to live for!
TUCKER:No you didn't!
Something hits Tucker
TUCKER:What was that, something just hit me!
CHURCH:Something just hit me too.
TUCKER:Is it another grenade?
CHURCH:We're under attack! Open fire!
They all start firing randomly into the air
TUCKER:Ah, get some!
CHURCH:Take that fuckers!
The camera pulls back to Tex
TEX:What a buncha idiots.
Cut to Grif and Lopez, and a small earthquake
LOPEZ:Que la gente imperiar dejar que me investigue
CAPTION:You people should let me investigate
LOPEZ:este formueno sísmico.
CAPTION:this seismic phenomenon.
GRIF:Hyeah, okay buddy, whatever you say. Hey, you missed a spot.
LOPEZ:Por lo menos todos vamos a morir con un vehículo limpio.
CAPTION:At least we'll all die with a clean vehicle.
GRIF:Heh hehh, you said it, now come on, chop-chop back to work buddy. Let's hear the less talk I don't understand, and see more work I don't wanna do.
SARGE:How's it goin' out here?
GRIF:Great, the jeep has never been so clean.
SARGE:That's because you're not the one cleaning it.
GRIF:Good point. You know Sarge, all this time the laziness in me, it's been really underutilized. I never reached my full potential. I just realized, I should be in management!
SARGE:You do seem like a natural.
GRIF:H-it's the best job ever. You just tell people what to do, and they do it! And if you don't have anything for 'em to do, you just tell them to do something they did before, but do it better this time. I've got it all figured out.
SARGE:How 'bout you get busy helping with that jeep then?
GRIF:I'm sorry, what? I'm on break.
Radio sounds
SIMMONS:Come in, Lopez. Lopez, come in. This is a secure channel.
LOPEZ:Le leí.
CAPTION:I read you.
SIMMONS:This is Flying Eagle. I have a secret mission for you.
LOPEZ:Vuelo del águila?
CAPTION:Flying Eagle?
SIMMONS:Actually it's Simmons, we're using codenames on this mission Lopez. Because it's top secret.
LOPEZ:Por qué no puedo obtener un nombre on clase?
CAPTION:Why don't I get a code name then?
SIMMONS:I need you to come to the cave, and investigate something. It's top secret. Don't tell Sarge, or Grif, or Donut. Or anyone else I didn't mention.
LOPEZ:Usted podria tenir solo dijo
CAPTION:You could have just said "don't tell anyone"
LOPEZ:no le digas a mari.
CAPTION:that would have been much faster.
SIMMONS:Okay. See you in the cave. Come alone, and unarmed. You can also come in with your eyes closed if you want. For secrets.
LOPEZ:Esto parece sospechoso.
CAPTION:This seems suspicious.
LOPEZ:Tanbien mis ojos se apagada.
CAPTION:Also my eyes don't close. They turn off.
SIMMONS:Yes, it is an honor to be selected. You are right. Flying Eagle, out.
LOPEZ:Por qué me enviaron a esta unidad?
CAPTION:Why was I shipped to this unit?
Lopez heads for the cave, and another small tremor happens. He enters the cave
LOPEZ:Vuelo del águila? Está aquí?
CAPTION:Flying Eagle? Are you in here?
SIMMONS:Down here, Lopez.
Lopez approaches, Simmons talks to himself
SIMMONS:This is the perfect plan. Lopez will walk into the water which I've electrified using a, this battery, and b, my incredible knowledge of how batteries work. The resulting shock will short him out, and all the guys will see that I'm the funny smart one who's good at math and not having emotions. They'll see.
LOPEZ:Ola.
CAPTION:Hello.
SIMMONS:Ohh, hi Lopez. I was just down here investigating our mission. Heeey, why don't you come over here, through that big puddle?
LOPEZ:No. Le he oído decir que electrifada que.
CAPTION:No. I heard you say that you electrified it.
LOPEZ:Nos tengo me idea porqué los humanos necesitan
CAPTION:I have no idea why humans need to speak
LOPEZ:para hoblar vos alta cuando piensan.
CAPTION:outloud when they think.
SIMMONS:Come onn, over heere.
LOPEZ:No. Usted está tratando de daños.
CAPTION:No. You are trying to damage me.
SIMMONS:Seriously, this way. Just walk into that puddle. I mean the regular puddle- the one that's not you know- hahh, you know what? Just forget I mentioned the puddle. No puddle there, that's dry. Optical illusion.
LOPEZ:Que soy muy malos en esto.
CAPTION:You are very bad at this.
SIMMONS:Please, come on.
LOPEZ:Me lleme tar atar la huerta. Veo de otra manera.
CAPTION:I will just go around. I see another way in.
SIMMONS:What? Nooo! Wait!
Simmons runs forward, into the electrified puddle
LOPEZ:Dios mio. Dame un respiro.
CAPTION:Oh lord. Give me a break.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 12: Mid-game Substitution

Fade in to Lopez and Simmons in the cave, but Lopez is painted maroon and Simmons is attached to a ball and chain
SIMMONS:Ough... what happened?
LOPEZ:Ola.
CAPTION:Hello.
SIMMONS:What? Am I dead? I see my body, am I in Heaven?
LOPEZ:Estoy tomando su lugar el Equipo Rojo.
CAPTION:I am taking your place on Red Team.
SIMMONS:Heugh, why is my body speaking Spanish? ...Oh no. Did I go to Mexican Heaven by mistake? That's like white people hell!
LOPEZ:No. Reemplazar usted es la única manera de que
CAPTION:No. Replacing you is the only way I can get
LOPEZ:pueda tena acceso el equipo.
CAPTION:access to the equipment I need to research these quakes.
SIMMONS:I knew it, you just wanted to become super popular so you could take my place.
LOPEZ:Yo no debería que ser super popular para hacer que.
CAPTION:I wouldn't need to be super popular to do that.
SIMMONS:You're gonna regret this, Lopez.
LOPEZ:No veo cómo.
CAPTION:I don't see how.
Lopez exits
SIMMONS:Well I'll regret this!.
LOPEZ:Que ni siquiera tiene sentido!
CAPTION:That didn't even make sense!
Cut to Sarge and Grif on top of Red Base
SARGE:I still don't understand, how does more breaks make us more efficient?
Small quake
GRIF:It's simple, if we have less hours to do work, we get more done in less time.
Lopez arrives
GRIF:It's all ratios.
LOPEZ:...ola.
CAPTION:...hello.
SARGE:Simmons, where in sam hell have you been?
LOPEZ:Cueva...estudio.
CAPTION:Cave...study.
GRIF:You sound weird.
SARGE:Yeah, almost like you're speakin' a foreign language. But he's speaking very slowly and clearly, so I understand what he means.
GRIF:Me too.
SARGE:What've you been up to?
LOPEZ:Las cosas humanas, como de costumbre unar
CAPTION:Oh you know. The usual human things like: urinating
LOPEZ:y tener problemas de matemáticas mal si no razón alguna.
CAPTION:and getting math problems wrong for no reason.
GRIF:Sounds boring.
SARGE:Didn't understand that one.
GRIF:Me neither, but boring is always a safe bet with Simmons.
SARGE:Good point.
LOPEZ:Le riguero mi discuple.
CAPTION:Please excuse me.
LOPEZ:Tengo que ver elguanos equipos.
CAPTION:I need to check out some equipment.
GRIF:Okay. Bye Simmons.
SARGE:Good luck on whatever you're doing!
LOPEZ:Gracias.
CAPTION:Thank you.
Cut to the Blues and Tex in front of Blue Base
CHURCH:Oh, man. Instead of a big white blur now everything's just a big black blur.
TUCKER:Man, my head should only hurt this much if I had a lot more fun the night before.
CABOOSE:WHAT!
TUCKER:Ow Caboose stop yelling. Someone give me an Aspirin.
They make your head seem smaller
TEX:You guys are babies.
CHURCH:Babies? You chucked a grenade at us you stupid bitch, what do you expect?
TEX:Hey, there's a big difference between a flashbang, and a grenade.
TUCKER:It doesn't seem like it.
TEX:Well, if I threw a grenade at you, I wouldn't have to have this stupid conversation right now, I would just be stepping over some disgusting puddles.
TUCKER:This is your girlfriend I take it?
CHURCH:Oh, yeah, Tucker, Tex, Tex Tucker, eh deryago.
TUCKER:'Sup.
TEX:Hello.
CABOOSE:Are people meeting other people? I want to meet people.
TUCKER:No you don't. And stop yelling.
CABOOSE:It's nice to meet you Mister Yelling!
CHURCH:Now- why would you attack us, weren't you coming all the way out here to help us?
TEX:Hey I needed to evaluate the situation. I heard someone was dead, I show up here and three idiots are standing around arguing. I'm not walkin' into that blind.
TUCKER:So you made us blind.
Tremor
TEX:Oh, boohoo. It's not lethal.
CHURCH:So what, that's what that's supposed to make us feel better? A kick in the balls would be non-lethal too.
TEX:That depends on who does the kicking.
TUCKER:Is that a threat?
TEX:Heh, how 'bout we just call it an experiment. See what happens.
TUCKER:How 'bout we agree to disagree.
TEX:Good idea. So. Who's dead.
TUCKER:Oh, nobody; we just made a mistake. We thought-
CHURCH:Aghuh, we thought we should bury our dead teammate and then take his name off the roster, so that no-one could prove he was never here.
TUCKER:We did?
CHURCH:Yes. Because that's what she is here to investigate, Tucker. And if that guy didn't exist, why would she stick around?
TUCKER:Oh, right. Yeah. I thought she meant some other non-existent guy, who didn't die. Not that one guy who did die.
TEX:Whoa whoa whoa, wai- why did you remove him from the roster?
CHURCH:Uhh, I don't know, seemed appropriate at the time. You know it's like a respect thing.
TEX:What was his name?
CHURCH:Anderson-
TUCKER:Smith.
TEX:Well was it Anderson, or Smith?
CHURCH:Uh, Andersmith. Private Andersmith.
TEX:Andersmith?
CABOOSE:Oh, mister Ander-smith. I'll always miss you, you were too young to die.
TUCKER:Yeah he was like ten seconds old.
CHURCH:Shut up, Tucker.
Cut to Grif in the Gulch, and Donut approaches
DONUT:Hey Grif, have you seen Simmons?
GRIF:Yeah, we're working on some equipment together.
DONUT:Together?
GRIF:Yeah, he went up the hill, he said he needed my help, so I said "no problem, I'll be there in a few minutes."
DONUT:When was that?
GRIF:About five hours ago.
DONUT:Oh. So how's the project going?
GRIF:Well, he hasn't asked for help again, which means I haven't had to think of a new excuse so, I'd say it's going great!
DONUT:What's he doing?
GRIF:I don't know. He's got some new toys or something up there, I guess he's testing them out.
DONUT:Toys?
GRIF:Yeah.
DONUT:Toys is a broad term, Grif. It could mean a lot of things.
GRIF:Gadgets.
DONUT:Go on.
GRIF:Electronic devices?
Tremor
DONUT:I think I'll go check this out for myself.
GRIF:You do that.
Cut to Simmons in the shackle cave
SIMMONS:If I could just wriggle free a, little, maybe I could, loosen, this- there, I'm free. Now to take my place on Red Team again. Man, Lopez was right, I do say my thoughts out loud a lot. I wonder why I do that. I'm still doing it - I really should try to stop. Okay that was the last one. Hey I did it- no I mean-
Simmons exits the cave during that rambling nonsense, and we cut to Tex on a hill using the radio
TEX:Command, do you read me. This is Freelancer Tex reporting in.
VIC:Roger that sinorita, we read you loud and clearita, how you doin'?
Cut to the Blues watching her from afar, like lovers who are also stalkers
CHURCH:Okay, I just need to make sure she sticks around for a little while, you know so I can talk to her a little bit more. And investigating this dead guy, is gonna be a good distraction for her.
TUCKER:It doesn't bother you that you made up a guy outta nowhere, and then killed that guy, just to have a chance to talk to your girlfriend?
CHURCH:No no no, it's like a ne- tingbu- whatever you call it, it's even. You know he didn't exist before, and he doesn't exist now. No harm no foul. Right?
TUCKER:Dude, you've seriously gotta look into this stalker thing.
CABOOSE:I miss him.
CHURCH:You miss who?
CABOOSE:Andersmith. He's a reminder of how close we all are just to not being here one day.
TUCKER:He wasn't here any days idiot, he doesn't exist!
CABOOSE:Awh- how could you say that, don't you believe in the afterlife?
CHURCH:What? Afterlife implies life, at some point. He didn't have one.
CABOOSE:Because he was so young. He had hopes and dreams.
CHURCH:He was, a dream.
CABOOSE:Yes he was. To all of us who knew him.
TUCKER:Okay I'm actually less worried about you now, and I'm more worried about Caboose.
CHURCH:Caboose, he didn't exist. You never knew anyone named Andersmith. None of us did.
CABOOSE:Denial is an important stage in grieving.
CHURCH:Yeah apparently denial is an important part of reality, too.
TUCKER:Yeah, take it from the guy who calls that chick his girlfriend.
Cut to Tex briefly
TEX:Roger that. Over and out Command.
Tex starts descending the hill
CHURCH:Oh shit, she's done with her call. Quick uhh, talk about something else. Uhm-
TUCKER:Like what?
CHURCH:Anything anything, uh, uh okay- you know what, I think you're right Tucker, cows can't talk. But maybe they can't talk 'cause just no-one ever taught 'em how to do that. Right?
TUCKER:That might've been the worst ad-lib ever.
CABOOSE:You just blew my mind with the cow thing.
TUCKER:That ain't hard dude.
TEX:Alright here's the deal. I'm gonna stick around until we get this dead guy thing solved.
CHURCH:Oh, really. Well that's great! Isn't that perfect Tucker?
TUCKER:Don't gloat.
CABOOSE:Yes Miss Scary, I have a question. Um, how are we going to fix the dead guy being dead?
TEX:Oh we're not. We're gonna even the teams. Come on, let's go up the hill and kill one of the Reds. Then I can get out of this mud puddle.
CHURCH:Oh.
TEX:Hey, I'll even let you pick which one. Come on, let's go.
CHURCH:Well this sounds like... fun?
CABOOSE:Let's pack a picnic.
TUCKER:We could always just eat the Red we kill. Hey Church, pick the fat guy.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 13: Planning the Heist

Fade in to the Mother of Invention, in Freelancer-land
ALPHA:Okay, well, I just ran everything again, all calculations are up to date, taking into account standard delays for communication and response time. Our window looks good.
DIRECTOR:I agree.
ALPHA:Well you should - I'm sure you'd make the same calculations I did, just, you know, more slowly.
DIRECTOR:Arrogance is a rather unbecoming trait, Alpha.
ALPHA:Are, you seriously giving me a lecture on arrogance right now? Pbbt. Heads up you got a visitor.
CAROLINA:Director?
DIRECTOR:Log off.
ALPHA:Yeah yeah, way ahead of you bud.
DIRECTOR:Yes, Agent Carolina.
CAROLINA:The team is ready Sir.
DIRECTOR:Excellent. Let us begin.
The Director and Carolina walk to a hologram-displaying table where the other Freelancers are waiting for them
DIRECTOR:Agents, your mission today is by far the most important you have undertaken to date. As our number one, Carolina will be leading from the field.
As Carolina talks, the holo emitter shows things in support of what she's saying, and some relevant scenes are overlaid over her voice in the video
CAROLINA:Okay, here's what we have. As you may have heard, there is suspected insurrection activity in this area. Our intel says that members of the UNSC loyal to the insurrection have acquired a high level asset, and are holding it in this secure location. It's a hundred and ten storey building in the middle of an urban environment.
WYOMING:What does security look like?
CAROLINA:They have enough troops to fill a hundred and ten storey building.
WYOMING:So... that's a lot of security.
CAROLINA:We're up to it. Our job is to infiltrate the building, work our way up to the floor where the Sarcophagus is being held, and secure it.
NORTH:The Sarcophagus.
DIRECTOR:That is what we are calling the primary objective.
CAROLINA:But since this is a high level asset we need to access a key code to open the Sarcophagus.
WYOMING:I'm guessing they don't keep that just taped to the side.
CAROLINA:It's held by an official of the program who will be moving in a vehicle along the freeway between inspections. That's when we'll hit the facility. We need to acquire both targets within minutes of each other. If we fail that, the remaining target will enter lockdown and we miss our window.
DIRECTOR:We will not have another chance at this.
WYOMING:So that means two teams.
CAROLINA:Two teams. Team A will consist of me, Wash and Maine. We will work infiltration on the package's storage facility. York is still in the infirmary so Wash, you will have to pull lockpicking duty.
WASHINGTON:Uhm... okay. Guess I'll reread my field manual in the transport.
The door slides open and York walks in
YORK:Hey, don't be so quick to give away my job.
WASHINGTON:York?
CAROLINA:I thought you were in the hospital?
YORK:According to their records, I am.
CAROLINA:How's your eye?
YORK:It's okay, Docs are lettin' me out tomorrow.
WASHINGTON:Tomorrow, huh?
YORK:Look, I couldn't let you guys have all the fun without me. Besides, you need someone to get you in.
WASHINGTON:Listen I'm happy to see him too, but this mission, I don't know...
CAROLINA:Hey, if York says he's good, then he's good.
WASHINGTON:It's your call boss.
Carolina walks up next to York
CAROLINA:You're good, right?
YORK:Okay look I said I was okay. Good might be overselling it a little.
DIRECTOR:It's settled then. York will join Team A and get them in the facility.
YORK:Thank you Sir.
CAROLINA:Transport will be two lightly equipped Pelican dropships.
PILOT:We're rigged for fast running only people, no heavy armaments.
CAROLINA:Team B will be North, Wyoming and C.T. You will act as recon for Team A and once we enter the building, you will disengage to attack the target on the freeway. North will lead Team B.
NORTH:Got it.
C.T.:What about Agent South?
DIRECTOR:Agent South will not be accompanying you on this mission.
C.T.:Hmm, I guess the world's a tough place when you move down a rank. And where's our new recruit, will she be joining us?
DIRECTOR:That's enough questions, Connecticut.
C.T.:Notice he didn't say no.
CAROLINA:Team B should be simple. Stop the vehicle, and grab the case. Team A, you have more of a challenge. Mainly, the Sarcophagus is an unknown.
WASHINGTON:How unknown are we talking?
CAROLINA:Unknown in that we don't know its size or its weight or its dimensions. We just know it will have these markings somewhere on the exterior.
NORTH:I saw those same markings on the oil platform.
DIRECTOR:Correct. That facility created the primary objective.
WASHINGTON:Do we know what's inside it?
DIRECTOR:Yes, we know.
C.T.:How do we know what's in it, but not know how big it is?  ...Sorry Sir.
CAROLINA:We have a job to do people. Let's do it right and come home safe.
DIRECTOR:That is all. You are dismissed.
EVERYONE:Yes Sir.
The Pelicans drop


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 14: Son of a Bitch

Fade in to Tex and the Blues overlooking Red Base. Also, a t remor
TEX:Okay, pick one.
CHURCH:Any one?
TEX:Well, preferably one on that side of the canyon. But uh, I'm not all that choosy.
TUCKER:Why are you lookin' at me when you say that?
TEX:No reason. Just pick one and take the shot. I'll cover you if they attack.
CHURCH:You mean, shoot them with this?
Church holds up the sniper rifle
TEX:What else?
TUCKER:Uh-huh-uhuh, he's really not that great with that thing.
TEX:Give me a break. You're a soldier.
CHURCH:Yeah well that's debatable.
TEX:Hit the rock over there.
CHURCH:Okay...
Church fires twice and misses twice
TEX:Eghuh...
CHURCH:Yeah see uh  I think the sun reflected off the rockface there and-
TEX:Just give me the damn rifle.
CHURCH:Yeah okay, thanks.
Cut to Donut and Lopez
DONUT:Hey Simmons, did you hear that?
Tremor
LOPEZ:Sí. Sonaba como un rifle.
CAPTION:Yes. It sounded like a rifle.
DONUT:I'm sure it's nothin'.
LOPEZ:Por qué dices eso? Esta es una guerra.
CAPTION:Why would you say that? This is a war zone.
DONUT:Good point Simmons. Back to work.
Back to the Blues
TUCKER:Dude, this has to be embarrassing for you.
CHURCH:I don't really wanna talk about it.
TEX:Alright come on, it's not that hard. Which one should we take out? The pink one, the orange one-
CABOOSE:Pretty sure he's yellow.
TEX:Is it me or, does he seem a little slow?
TUCKER:Yeah Caboose was held back a grade, or two.
TEX:I meant the orange one.
TUCKER:Uh hoho... yeah he's just fat.
TEX:What about the red one? I mean he's the leader, he seems tough. Or maybe the maroon one, he looks like he's up to something.
CHURCH:Uh yeah I don't know I can't really decide which one, maybe we should put it to a vote.
TEX:You know what screw it, the maroon one is closest. We'll just shoot him.
Tex targets Lopez's head and fires immediately
LOPEZ:Ow!
Lopez is taken out
CHURCH:Uhuhuhuhh... nice shot.
TEX:Thanks.
Cut to Donut and Lopez in pieces
LOPEZ:Mierda.
CAPTION:Shit.
DONUT:Oh my God! Simmons! How did this happen!
Back to the Blues
TUCKER:Wow. That was pretty fuckin' brutal.
CABOOSE:Andersmith, I kept my promise. You have been avenged.
TEX:You know what, let me shoot another one. I think you guys could use the advantage.
CHURCH:Uhm, are you- are you sure?
Donut
DONUT:There was so much we had left to talk about! Like our feelings and hopes! And dreams! And why most of your insides are wires! How could you just explode like this? We could have talked- you could have told me what was wrong. Nooooohohohohooooo.
TEX:Uh, maybe I'll let that one live. Might demoralize the rest of 'em.
TUCKER:Good idea.
TEX:Come on, let's pack it in.
TUCKER:Does anyone else feel really, really dirty about this? And not the good kind of really really dirty?
Cut to Freelancerville, where the Pelicans are approaching the building
NORTH:Team A, you look clear. Window is open. Start your clocks. On my mark, mark.
CAROLINA:Sync. Roger that. Team A is moving.
NORTH:Copy that Carolina. Good luck Team A.
CAROLINA:Thanks. We won't need it.
NORTH:Alright Bravo let's move out. We have three minutes until first alert, let's have our target in hand by two.
Team A enters the building
CAROLINA:We're in. York, get up here. How long to crack that lock?
YORK:Should take about sixty seconds. You can give me fifteen. Wow, is that holographic? It's high end.
CAROLINA:Can you get through it?
YORK:Of course I can. You didn't bring me along for my good looks did ya? Whoever designed this is a genius.
As the lock goes down, alarms go up
CAROLINA:You were saying?
YORK:Okay, I take it back, whoever designed this is an asshole. Picked.
The big doors open in front of him
YORK:Everybody in.
CAROLINA:Thanks York, but do something about that alarm system. We don't need any more surprises.
YORK:Does saying sorry count as something?
CAROLINA:...
YORK:Hmm, guess not.
CAROLINA:We'll secure the package. Set some trackers and then find us a way out of this.
YORK:Moving.
Cut to some guards watching a screen
GUARD CAPTAIN:What the- looks like we got an alert on sector seven. That's the vault. Take a team up there now.
Cut to the Gulch, where the Reds are gathered around Lopez's dismembered chassis, and Donut is still weepy
GRIF:Simmons is... dead?
DONUT:I can't believe he's gone.
SARGE:Well, you know what they say at a time like this: he may be dead, but he's never truly gone... until we get rid of all his gross body parts. Grif, go fetch a garbage pail.
GRIF:Sarge, I'm grieving here, can't making up excuses to avoid work wait 'til later?
SARGE:You're right Grif. I suppose someone should say a few words. Anybody? Come on, who knew him best? Donut?
DONUT:Um, I think he said he liked gum once. I don't know, that's kind of all I got.
SARGE:How 'bout you Grif?
GRIF:Me? Why me?
DONUT:Come on, Grif and Simmons. You guys were inseparable. Surely the two of you must have gotten to know each other over the years.
GRIF:Yeah, a-I- I don't know. He would talk a lot, and I'd lose interest immediately, and then he would ask me a question and I would just go "huh, what? Oh yeah, sure Simmons whatever you say." It wasn't a perfect system, but it was ours.
SARGE:But he always stayed by your side. Isn't there anything you remember him telling you?
GRIF:Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, sure, Sarge. Whatever.
DONUT:What about you Sir? Simmons always loved helping you.
SARGE:He did have a knack for following orders.
Simmons steps sideways from behind Sarge
SARGE:Sometimes I'd make things up just to get him off my back. One time I told him to disassemble the jeep, and rebuild it, just to keep him busy. Hheh. I'll miss doing that.
SIMMONS:Guys guys, I'm free! Oh wow, you, already killed Lopez. Awesome.
SARGE:Can it Simmons, we're trying to give your eulogy.
SIMMONS:But I'm not dead I'm- wait, you guys are talking about me? In a good way? Oh never mind, go ahead. Please, continue.
SARGE:Hrhrr. Gentlemen, we are here to pay our last respects to Simmons. Who died so suddenly, and so violently.
SIMMONS:Oh man, this is the best day ever.
SARGE:Simmons wore maroon armor, he talked a lot, and did some work. Also, he liked gum. ... The end.
SIMMONS:What!? That's it? That's my funeral?
SARGE:Not quite - let's get that garbage pail.
DONUT:I remember the gum thing.
SIMMONS:I never imagined that my death could somehow be worse than my life, but... here it is. Bitchin'.
GRIF:I contributed to the "talks a lot" part.
SIMMONS:I don't talk a lot I talk a regular amount. You really think I talk a lot?
GRIF:Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, Simmons. Whatever.
SIMMONS:I hate you.
DONUT:Oh man, I just realized: I could have made a flower arrangement for the funeral. Ahh, there's just so few chances to do that around here.
GRIF:Don't worry Donut, I'm sure one of us will get killed again soon.
DONUT:Aw, you're just tryin' to make me feel better. And I love that about you.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 15: The Sarcophagus

Fade in to Carolina, Washington, and Wyoming in the big room they accessed last time
CAROLINA:Alright everyone, spread out. What we need is here somewhere. It's probably something small, easy to miss. Take as many scans as possible, there may be other things here we can use.
Maine finds the weapon we're all used to seeing him with from previous seasons
MAINE:Heh?
WASHINGTON:That's a good look.
MAINE:Hehh.
YORK:Carolina, motion trackers indicate you got an enemy team outside the door.
CAROLINA:Well let's hope they're not as good at picking locks as you are York. Alright team, we're about to have company.
WASHINGTON:Boss, I have good news, and bad news.
CAROLINA:Hit me.
WASHINGTON:We found the markings we're looking for. The bad news is, they're on that.
Hey check it out, they're on something big and heavy. What are the odds?
CAROLINA:That?
YORK:Team A, I got us an exit up here. Straight up the stairwell, door to the roof, helipad.
CAROLINA:Copy. I'll radio air support. Now, how are we going to get that thing up to the roof?
MAINE:Hugh.
CAROLINA:York, I saw a window washing unit when we came into the facility. Can you find where it attaches to the building?
It's literally just to his right
YORK:I don't know, that's a tough one. Let me see what I can do.
WASHINGTON:What are you up to?
CAROLINA:Improvising. Come here Maine.
WASHINGTON:Improvising? I hate it when we do that.
The guards from outside are cutting through the doors, and the Sarcophagus is out through a broken window onto the window washing platform
WASHINGTON:Better hurry!
CAROLINA:Maine, this should work fine. You're the only one heavy enough to counter-balance.
MAINE:Too high.
CAROLINA:Oh, don't be a baby.
Carolina kicks him out the window
MAINE:Hurk-
She shoots a cable, and the platform starts going up. Maine drops past an occupied window
GUARD 1:Hey, did you hear that noise?
GUARD 2:Probably the sound of you being an idiot.
GUARD 1:Oh, you're probably right. Dick biscuit.
Maine reaches a lower floor and jumps off, and the Sarcophagus flies up onto the roof
YORK:Package is here.
Maine has company
MAINE:Hrruh...
GUARD:Stop right there or we'll... shoot? We're gonna need bigger handguns. Is- is that a knife? Rifle? Knifle?
And we return to the main room
CAROLINA:Well that oughta buy us some time.
WASHINGTON:I almost feel bad for the people down there.
CAROLINA:Don't.
WASHINGTON:What? I said almost.
The guys outside break through, and are promptly slaughtered by Wash and Carolina, leaving only someone with a flame thrower and a shark grin for a face
WASHINGTON:What the fuck is with this guy?
Sharkface fires it up, and the battle begins
WASHINGTON:Whoa that's hot!
Combat continues, and Carolina picks up a weapon
CAROLINA:Got ya- what?
She tries to fire, but the weapon shorts and sends her backwards.
CAROLINA:Aah!
Wash jumps across over the flames to another weapon that fell on the floor and fires it at the ground near Sharkface, but the shot bounces and hits the ceiling behind him
WASHINGTON:What the hell? It bounces!? Who designs a gun that bounces? This is the worst gun ever. Of all-
Carolina tackles him out of the way as the flames try to murder him
CAROLINA:Stay low.
Carolina does some Matrix shit and ends up on a suspended aircraft. Through burning ropes, a grenade, and gravity, she manages to throw the ship at Sharkface and hit him in the shark. He gets up, and she throws a gravity hammer into his chest, sending him backwards
WASHINGTON:That guy was a dick.
CAROLINA:Come on, let's get moving Wash.
WASHINGTON:That bit with the purple plane, that was just showing off.
They reach the roof
YORK:Come on, come on, hurry.
They exit onto the roof and York shorts out the access pad, closing the door behind them
YORK:There, that oughta hold 'em for a while.
Right away they start trying to burn through the doors
YORK:O-kay maybe not. Hey, where's Maine?
WASHINGTON:Downstairs, keeping our hosts occupied.
YORK:Man, I almost feel bad for them.
WASHINGTON:That's what I said.
CAROLINA:Four seven niner this is Team Alpha, we need evac on the roof of the tower.
PILOT:Roger that, I'm on it.
YORK:Come on, it's up- here.
Hey look, it's Tex
CAROLINA:You? What are you doing here? Is that a bomb? I knew it, it was you who blew up the oil platform.
WASHINGTON:That thing blew up?
CAROLINA:Somebody's been covering our tracks. You're on the roster too but they hid your name. Why did they send you?
YORK:Hey, hate to bust up the reunion here, but we got a problem.
The guards bust through the doors onto the roof
GUARD CAPTAIN:Let's go, go go now! Get into position. Completely, surround them.
Hey look, they're completely surrounded
GUARD CAPTAIN:No one gets behind me. Drop your weapons.
They do
GUARD CAPTAIN:You, dickhead. Disarm the bomb.
YORK:Easy easy, no reason to get all dramatic. Okay let me take a crack.
GUARD CAPTAIN:Just fucking do it already.
YORK:Easy easy, man. Uh, this isn't a bomb. It's a transmitter.
GUARD CAPTAIN:Alright it's not a bomb. Wait, a transmitter, what's it transmitting?
YORK:Our location.
GUARD CAPTAIN:Why would it do that?
Pan up to the Mother of Invention
FILSS:System online Director. Awaiting your command.
COUNSELLOR:If I may, Director, I think it would be wise if we-
DIRECTOR:Shut up, Counsellor.
COUNSELLOR:Of course Sir.
A bunch of lasers zero in on the transmitter
YORK:What the hell?
GUARD CAPTAIN:There were four of them here. What the fuck is going on?
Carolina and Tex start kicking asses as people who are dressed like guards or invisible
GUARD CAPTAIN:What did I say, I said one thing. Keep them in front of me.
YORK:Hey man, you mind holding this for me for a sec?
York hands the Guard Captain the transmitter
GUARD CAPTAIN:Uh-
YORK:Thank you.
The Guard Captain looks around and realizes he's the only one still standing. Cut to the Mother of Invention
FILSS:Target, locked.
DIRECTOR:Fire.
FILSS:Firing main cannon.
It fires
GUARD CAPTAIN:Oh, son of a-
It hits, punching a hole halfway down the building and throwing everyone back from the impact zone. Tex grabs a jetpack and kicks the Sarcophagus off the building, and flies off, and the other Freelancers make a break for the edge of the roof
CAROLINA:This must be karma for kicking Maine out the window.
YORK:I don't wanna do this!
WASHINGTON:Son of a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!
They jump, and catch up with the Sarcophagus and a Pelican
PILOT:Line it up, come on. Come on, stay on target!
Tex in her jetpack ends up kicking the Sarcophagus into the Pelican, along with Wash who is standing on it
WASHINGTON:Aaah!
TEX:Ow.
The jetpack shorts out
PILOT:Hold on.
The Pelican takes off
TEX:Get the package back to Command, now.
PILOT:On it.
YORK:Well there goes our ride.
CAROLINA:You think maybe we should have had a fallback plan?
YORK:Hey, what happened to Maine?
Maine drives underneath them and they land in his car
YORK:Whoa! Are we in a car?
The car goes underground, and in the background the building collapses. The car emerges at high speed from the tunnel and continues down the road
PILOT:Command this is four seven niner, the Sarcophagus is secure, I repeat the Sarcophagus is secure, we are inbound. I managed to secure two agents. Remaining team members is unknown. I repeat...
Tex holds her dead jetpack
WASHINGTON:So. Jetpacks, huh.
Tex sets the jetpack on a shelf and jumps out the back of the Pelican
WASHINGTON:That was interesting.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 16: Hell's Angel

Fade in to Church and Tucker outside Blue Base
CHURCH:Tucker, c-come on man, help me. I need to find a way to have her stick around a bit longer.
TUCKER:Oh yeah sure, no problem. Maybe you and your girlfriend can find time to go on a killing spree. Do some real bonding.
CHURCH:Tucker.
TUCKER:Oh, that's right, not your girlfriend. Just the girl that you're stalking, through multiple planes of existence.
CHURCH:Hhgh.
TUCKER:Romantically.
CHURCH:Please, I just need a little more time.
TUCKER:Why, who cares?
CHURCH:I do, I'm supposed to do this.
TUCKER:Fine, where is she now?
CHURCH:She's talking with Caboose.
TUCKER:Well that should keep her busy for at least a few minutes. Half an hour if she starts asking him math problems.
TEX:Hey, I'm gonna stick around a while longer.
CHURCH:You are? I mean... you are?
TEX:Yeah. Caboose here said you guys need some help with the tank, so I figured ah, I could help with that too. What can I say, I like the kid.
CABOOSE:Plus I paid her a hundred dollars.
TEX:Yeah, that too.
TUCKER:Money - why didn't I think of that?
CHURCH:Because you don't have any money?
TUCKER:Good point. Hey Caboose, give me some money!
CABOOSE:Oka- wait. S'this a trick. I'll pay you a hundred dollars to show me how it works.
Cut to Grif and Simmons
SIMMONS:I can't believe you guys didn't know this was Lopez, and not me.
GRIF:What do you expect, he had the perfect disguise.
SIMMONS:He painted himself maroon. Badly!
GRIF:Exactly! How could anyone be expected to see through that?
SIMMONS:He spoke Spanish, noone else does.
GRIF:That did seem weird at first, but, you always go through those annoying phases. Like, remember that time you were gonna learn to play banjo, or the time you were gonna be a vegan?
SIMMONS:What do you mean phases, I am a vegan. And I can play the banjo.
GRIF:I know, and isn't all that annoying?
SIMMONS:But you couldn't figure it out. Hawh, you don't know me at all.
GRIF:To be fair, we didn't know Lopez either. We knew you both equally as little, so, you can see how we'd get confused. Also, we didn't really care.
SIMMONS:Yeah, but Lopez was here a day. I've been here for years.
GRIF:You have? See, I'm learning new stuff about you already. Now the next time an evil robot tries to take your place, I'll have questions to ask it.
SIMMONS:Shut up. Why the hell am I the one cleaning up my own body? This is insulting. Hey what do you think he was using all this equipment for?
GRIF:I don't know, boring stuff? Who cares?
SIMMONS:Hmmm...
GRIF:Oh, wait, I forgot, you like boring stuff. Never mind what I said, I'm sure it's something for sports.
SIMMONS:It looks like we have a mystery to solve.
GRIF:What're you, twelve?
Cut to Tex at the tank, and Church approaching from the background. Shot composition, bitches
CHURCH:Hey uh, hey you got a second?
CABOOSE:Sure! What do you want to talk about?
CHURCH:No, not you Caboose, I want to talk to Tex.
Tremor
CABOOSE:Oh. Go ahead.
CHURCH:I wanna talk to her alone.
CABOOSE:You can't talk to someone alone, there has to be two people. Those are the rules, I don't make them.
CHURCH:By myself.
CABOOSE:Well, I- I suppose she could stand pretty far away, and then you can yell. That might, that might work.
CHURCH:Caboose, I would like for you, to leave.
CABOOSE:Oh I, I get it, I'm so- I'm so embarrassed, I'll just go over there for a little while.
CHURCH:Thank you.
CABOOSE:Come on Tex.
CHURCH:No no no no no, Tex, Te- please, can you help me out here?
TEX:Hoho, no no no. I'm sure this conversation is a lot more entertaining, than whatever you wanna say to me.
Cut to Red Base. Also, a tremor
SARGE:Men, thanks for gathering so quickly. It appears we have a crisis on our hands. I'm now going to turn this meeting over to our Chief Science Engineer, Simmons.
SIMMONS:Houh, finally some respect.
SARGE:...who is gonna talk for a little while, but not too much. And he's not going to over explain things in that way he does, and then he's gonna stop talking and turn the meeting back over to me. Simmons.
SIMMONS:Thank you Sarge. Men, I have made a grave discovery. Analyzing equipment that Lopez was using, I have found that the planet is undergoing a total seismic breakdown. There's clear evidence of an unstoppable chain of events which is leading to a full systemic collapse. Now I realize this may cause some of you to panic.
DONUT AND  GRIF:...
SIMMONS:Or, it may confuse most of you because you don't understand what I said.
SARGE:Can we wrap this up please.
SIMMONS:The world is breaking, we're all gonna die.
GRIF:What!?
DONUT:Why would you tell us like that!? It's like ripping off a Band Aid!
SIMMONS:You know what, fuck you guys. Stupid people get to live a life of worry and fear, you're all doomed.
GRIF:This is the worst news ever.
SARGE:Men don't worry. We've got a plan in place to resolve the problem.
SIMMONS:I can't wait to hear this.
Sarge's Plan to Kick the Planet's Ass
Tremor
SARGE:Now we all know that the planet is trying to kill us. So we need to strike back, and quickly! Scare the crap out of it.
SIMMONS:What!?
SARGE:Grif, what's that bad sci-fi movie where they discover a natural disaster and their first attempt to solve the problem is to use a huge bomb?
GRIF:That's, every bad sci-fi movie Sir.
SARGE:Exactly. So that's what we're gonna do. Now here's the plan. We're going to build an enormous drilling machine, and institute my three phase plan. Step one, bust through the crust; step two, skedaddle through the mantle; step three, bore to the core. Once in the core, we'll set off an enormous bomb to stabilize the planet.
SIMMONS:How will a bomb stabilize the planet?
SARGE:It won't; duh. But through a series of dramatic setbacks, calamities, and yes, hopefully a few of us dying on the mission, we'll find the true cause and solution to the problem. And, save the world.
SIMMONS:Seriously?
GRIF:I like the plan.
DONUT:Me too, let's do it.
SARGE:Great, I'll get to work on the drill. Donut, you find the deepest darkest hole where we can stick it in.
DONUT:I have a list of candidates right here!
SARGE:Grif, I need you to build us a bomb.
GRIF:How the hell do I do that?
SARGE:Find a way, Son. Time is short.
GRIF:Okay, huhh, I guess I'll look on the Internet?
SARGE:Excellent! Let's get to work men, we've got a planet to fight! ...I mean save. Whatever.
Cut to Freelancer World, where the chase is on on the freeway. York is driving, Maine in the passenger seat, Carolina on the gun
CAROLINA:Team B report. Team B!
Team B's car is flipped and on fire
NORTH:Team B is down! We have wounded, and are taking fire.
CAROLINA:We'll be right there.
NORTH:Negative, get the package. Get it out of the city.
CAROLINA:Roger that.
YORK:Reading Team B's tracker... okay, there he is I got him.
CAROLINA:We'll cut 'em off at that overpass, go, go!
Cut to Tex, who is inside a building somewhere
TEX:Come in, Mother of Invention.
FILSS:We read you Agent Texas. Go ahead.
TEX:FILSS, I need you to fire ordinance pod zero-four-zero-one to my position.
FILSS:I am sorry, but I cannot verify the contents of that pod. Protocol dictates that all-
DIRECTOR:Just fire it, FILSS.
FILSS:Acknowledged. Safety protocol override. Firing pod zero-four-zero-one.
Off it goes, and it lands and opens to reveal a motorcycle for some reason
TEX:Hello there.
GUARD 1:Did you fucking hear that?
GUARD 2:No man, no-
GUARD 1:You didn- it was like-
Tex crashes through the window above them and drives off
GUARD 1:How 'bout that, did you hear that?
GUARD 2:Yeah yeah, I heard it.
And the chase is on! The program official drives under an overpass just ahead of Tex, and Maine jumps on the hood and prepares to stab him with the sharp pointy bit of his massive weapon. Aaand scene!


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 17: Spiral

Fade in to Tex working on the tank, and Church approaching
TEX:God dammit. Huhhh...
CHURCH:Still won't start, huh?
TEX:No, but it's gettin' there.
CHURCH:Did you uh, try checking the starter?
TEX:What a brilliant idea. Next you're gonna ask me if I tried the keys.
CHURCH:You have keys?
TEX:No.
CHURCH:How do you know so much about vehicles?
TEX:You know, during the training. We had to learn to care for our equipment. Plus I've always liked cars.
CHURCH:Uh, training huh, was that before...
TEX:Before what? Before I was killed? Before you brought me back as whatever I am now?
CHURCH:Oh. You know about that?
TEX:Well of course I do. I know what you know. You made me.
CHURCH:Well- no not me.
TEX:Ee-hhh, whatever. Him.
CHURCH:Hey, why did he do it? I, don't even remember when you first came around, you were just, kinda there one day. It was like a training session or something like that.
TEX:Hehh, yeah. Wyoming and Maine... big dummies.
CHURCH:But why did he bring you back?
TEX:You know what Church, I don't know. You tell me. You didn't exactly ask me what I wanted. I just kind of came along for the ride. I didn't get a vote.
CHURCH:But you were there when Alpha was there. Nobody else was.
TEX:I don't know. What can I say, I guess we were inseparable.
The tank starts
TEX:There you go, tank's fixed. See what happens when you treat something right?
CHURCH:Yeah. Yeah as a matter of fact I think I do.
Cut to Freelancerland, where Maine is returning to the car with Carolina and York in it, with the suitcase and presumably a dead program official
CAROLINA:Nice work Maine.
MAINE:Thanks.
YORK:Yup, subtle as always. His fox team is probably on the way.
CAROLINA:Let's get the hell outta here.
YORK:Hold on.
Off they go, weaving through traffic and such
YORK:Coming through! ...'Scuse me... Look out.
CAROLINA:Here they come!
Here they come indeed, with airships and jetpacks
YORK:Behind us!
An awesome firefight ensues
CAROLINA:Maine, protect the briefcase.
A sniper who previously landed on a truck bed in front of them shoots Maine in the chest
CAROLINA:Maine- sniper!
Here comes Tex, riding a bike and kicking some ass, blowing up a car
TEX:Gotcha.
You know that awesome stuff Tex does? She does some more of it, killing an airship
CAROLINA:Punch it York!
YORK:It's punched!
Someone jumps on the car and fights with Carolina and kicks the briefcase into the air, which Carolina juggles and finally catches
CAROLINA:Huh- hey- hu-got it.
The dude kicks Carolina in the chest and takes the briefcase, then steps forward to shoot her in the face
YORK:Hold on.
York hits the brakes and sends Carolina and the other guy both onto the truckbed, where Carolina gets the case and the fight continues, with a barrel going at York and Maine in the car
YORK:Gah! Would you quit throwing shit? On the left, on the left!
York rams a flatbed off the road to get rid of a guy, and then pulls up along the one with the fight on it and Maine jumps onto it
YORK:Watch it, watch it.
They fight some more
YORK:On the right.
He tosses the bigass gun and Carolina catches it and uses it
STABBED GUY:Come on.
The stabbed guy tosses his gun to the one fighting Maine, who promptly uses it under Maine's helmet, then tosses him down on the flatbed and shoots out his throat a whole bunch of times... anger issues much?
CAROLINA:NO!
She fights them both, and Maine picks up the big gun and fires at the rear wheel of the truck, sending everyone flying, and himself bouncing off a couple trucks and over the fence off the freeway, losing the briefcase to one of the bad guys. He gets on one of the airships, Carolina is back in the car with York, and Tex appears
CAROLINA:Don't let her grab it first.
YORK:Who cares who gets it first?
CAROLINA:I do.
They approach a giant freeway door that's closing in front of them
CAROLINA:Bail out.
YORK:Bailing.
He bails. Carolina braces, and is fired through the opening in the door as the car hits it, then engages her super speed ability to continue the chase
YORK:Man, I've got to quit jumping off stuff today.
Tex pulls up alongside Carolina in pursuit, on her motorcycle
TEX:Fall back Agent Carolina. I've got this.
CAROLINA:You fall back.
Tex takes a ramp and bails on her motorcycle, which flies into the airship and takes it out. The guy uses his jetpack and is tackled out of the air by Carolina, back onto the road, where he goes flying off the side, the case falls on one side, and Carolina is knocked into a wall on the other side. Tex grabs the case
TEX:Command, the package is secure. Headin' home.
DIRECTOR:Excellent work, Agent Texas.
TEX:Thank you Sir. Better luck next time, Carolina.
Tex hops over the side, and the Pelican picks up Carolina as the last Freelancer aboard


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 18: Labor Pains

Fade in to Grif yelling at Tex from the cliff
GRIF:Yeah you! You fucking piece of shit! You suck!
TUCKER:Jesus, is that guy still yelling?
CHURCH:Yes.
TUCKER:He's been yelling all morning.
TEX:Hhhh, we know.
TUCKER:Make him stop.
CHURCH:U- and how'm I gonna do that?
TUCKER:Shoot him with your snipe-
Tremor
TUCKER:Ah, never mind, I realized how stupid that sounded as soon as I started to say it.
GRIF:Hey, Blues, you still suck! Yeah, you! You fucking piece of shit! You suck!
SIMMONS:Grif, what the hell are you doing up here?
GRIF:I'm doing my job, Simmons?
Tremor
GRIF:I'm working on my part of the plan?
SIMMONS:I thought your part of the plan was to build a bomb?
GRIF:Uh, yeah, but I don't know how to build a bomb?
SIMMONS:Yeah, I know that you don't know how to do anything.
GRIF:So, I'm yelling at the Blues - You guys still suck! - until I make them mad enough to bomb our base - Idiots! - So, not only will they make me a bomb, I'll get them to deliver it. For free. You guys are lame, I hate you!
SIMMONS:That is actually the most sensible part of this plan I've heard so far. Your years of laziness have finally paid off in full, Private Grif.
GRIF:Thank you very much, Private Simmons. Now if you'll excuse me, somebody needs to be called a cunt.
SIMMONS:As you were Soldier.
GRIF:Hey you! Yeah, you! You dumb cunts! You suck!
Tremor begins...
GRIF:Hey up there, what're you talking about? Huh Blue? Are you talking about how bad you suck?
...tremor ends
GRIF:Because that's what I'm doin'! I'm talking about it right here, only louder! Way louder! Because I'm yelling Bluueee Teeeaam suuuucks! Hey Blue Team, why're you so sad? Is it because you suck so bad? I think it might be!
TEX:That's it, I'm taking those fuckers out! Caboose, get my toolkit.
GRIF:Woohoo! Success.
Cut to Blue Base some time later, with everyone gathered around a bomb
CHURCH:What the hell is that?
TEX:That, is my bomb. You guys had an unused robot kit, so I used the parts from it to make this bad boy.
CHURCH:Oh, robot kit, right. We don't need that now because, I never died. That makes sense.
CABOOSE:Right. That was Andersmith's job.
CHURCH:Stop it.
TUCKER:This thing doesn't look like a bomb. It looks like a basketball.
ANDY:Oh yeah? Well you don't look much like a soldier, dickhead.
TUCKER:Looks like a basketball, sounds like a fucking asshole. Great.
TEX:I had to include the voice synthesizer because it had the power unit. So now it can, talk.
ANDY:In other words, you want me to blow stuff up, you're gonna have to blow me first.
TUCKER:Well he's pleasant.
TEX:What do you expect? He's a bomb. You want him to be polite, or you want him to kill stuff?
TUCKER:I want him to shut up.
ANDY:Anybody care what I want? How 'bout Tucker's mother? Polishing me, twenty four-
TUCKER:Fuck this, I'm out.
Tucker heads inside
ANDY:Out- just like I got outta your sister!
TUCKER:Hey fuck you bowling ball!
TEX:Okay, let's plant this bad boy.
ANDY:Yeah, let's go!
CHURCH:Hey uh, don't forget to lift with your legs Tex.
TEX:Yeah, I know how to lift jackass. I've been carrying this team the entire time I've been here.
TUCKER:I know I said I was leaving, but that was actually a really good burn. Zing!
Cut to the Reds
SARGE:Men, today is the day that will carry us to victory! Against the planet.
SIMMONS:You can't fight a planet!
SARGE:Now I know there's been "nay-sayers" along the way, but thankfully we haven't listened to Simmons. We stuck to the plan. Donut, do we have our drilling spot?
DONUT:Ready for action, Sir!
SARGE:Excellent! Grif, is the bomb ready?
GRIF:Huhh, should be here... any minute?
SARGE:Perfect. And here's our drilling machine, that will take us to the center of the Earth! ...-like planet!
Yep, there it is
DONUT:Wooow, it's huge! You built that?
SARGE:You know it.
SIMMONS:Sarge, even I have to admit that that's pretty amazing.
GRIF:You know what's even more amazing? None of us saw it until he pointed it out to us.
SARGE:Thanks, it took a lot of work and planning. I almost didn't get it done.
SIMMONS:Where did you even get the materials to build this?
SARGE:I mined them using my excavator. That one.
Yep, there it is
DONUT:What?
Incidentally, the thing is immense
DONUT:How did you build that?
SARGE:I didn't. I ordered it online. Red Army Catalog.
SIMMONS:Buy why didn't we just- hh, you know what, never mind.
GRIF:Once again I have to say, none of us saw that until he pointed it out.
SARGE:Alright men, it's time to put up, or shut up. Let's do this. Grif, we're gonna need that bomb.
Tex appears, invisible, and then takes off
GRIF:Uh, yeah, I uh, just- uh, give me a minute...
SARGE:Grif! Don't tell me that you didn't-
ANDY:Heh ahem. Hi there.
GRIF:Yeall right, there we go. One bomb as requested. You're welcome.
SARGE:Hah ha, great! I take back all the things I ever said about you Grif.
GRIF:My pleasure Sir.
ANDY:Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick!
SARGE:Wuhhh, why is this bomb ticking?
Andy continues ticking the whole wile
GRIF:Oh right, I didn't think that part of the plan through all the way I guess. Uh, we're all gonna die now.
SARGE:Grif, I take back the takin' back.
Cut to Casa Freelancers, a first-person view with lots of green flashiness and such
COUNSELLOR:Keep it in its case, and don't let it touch anything else.
DIRECTOR:Hello there. Do you know your name?
DELTA:I am confused.
COUNSELLOR:Do not be concerned. That is completely natural given your state.
DELTA:My state. Was I injured?
COUNSELLOR:No. Do you feel as though you have been injured?
DIRECTOR:Counsellor please. Do not be concerned. You are fine. You're safe. Once again, do you know your name?
DELTA:Yes. I know my name. My name is, Alpha.
DIRECTOR:No, your name is not Alpha. You are mistaken.
DELTA:I am sorry, I am confused.
COUNSELLOR:Do not be concerned. This is perfectly normal given your state. Would you like to know your name?
DELTA:Yes please. I would like to know my name. I feel very confused.
I know his name
DIRECTOR:Your name is Delta. That is your name.
DELTA:Delta?
COUNSELLOR:Yes. You are very wise, Delta. It is very nice to meet you.
DELTA:I think I remember you.
COUNSELLOR:No, you have never met us before. You did not exist before today. Today is your birthday. Today, is a great day.
DIRECTOR:Do you know your name?
DELTA:My name, is Delta.
DIRECTOR:That is correct.
COUNSELLOR:Delta, this is, the Director. He is going to take good care of you.
DELTA:I am glad to hear that. I am very confused.
DIRECTOR:Don't worry Delta, that will not last long. And when you feel better, we are going to do incredible things together you and I. Incredible things.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 19: Whole Lot of Shaking

Fade in to the Reds around Andy
ANDY:Thirty! Twenty-nine! Twenty-eight!
DONUT:Waaaaa! We're all gonna die!
GRIF:More importantly, I'm going to die! That's the worst part!
SARGE:Men, remain calm. This is no time to panic.
ANDY:Twenty-five! ...Twenty-four. Twenty-three!
SIMMONS:Sir, the world is shaking apart, the ground is opening up to swallow us, and we're holding a bomb that will wipe us all out before any of that happens.
As if to help make the point, a giant rock falls down behind him
SIMMONS:I submit to you that if there is a time to panic, this is that time.
ANDY:Twenty. Nineteen! Eighteen!
SARGE:You're right Simmons.
GRIF:I guess this is it everyone.
SIMMONS:Does anyone have anything they wanna say?
DONUT:I do! Well, gosh, this is such an honour. H-I have so many people to thank. All the little people.
SIMMONS:Donut, this is not the time for your pre-rehearsed Academy Award speech!
DONUT:Well if I don't use it now, when am I going to?
ANDY:Ten! Nine!
Tremor
ANDY:Eight!
SARGE:Men it's been an honour to serve with you. And I say that using the loosest possible definition of the words 'honour' and 'serve'.
ANDY:Six! Five!
GRIF:My only regret, is that I don't have more regrets!
ANDY:Four, three!
SIMMONS:Well, if I'm gonna die then I may as well be honest.
Tremor starts
SIMMONS:I never respected any of you, I thought I was better than all of you this entire time, I think my skills were underappreciated-
Tremor ends
SIMMONS:-and I wasted my life knowing all of you. In a way, I'm sad to die, but I'm glad knowing that none of you will live either. There, I said it.
ANDY:One! Kaboom! ...n-ah, wait, uh- KA- Geuagh, eugh, dammit!
Tremor
ANDY:Heungh... Kem... Daboom-ah, heuh.
DONUT:The bomb was a dud?
ANDY:I s- I s- I swear this never happens to me.
SARGE:So, did you wanna finish your thought there, Simmons?
Everyone looks at him
SIMMONS:Well, this is awkward.
ANDY:Yeah, tell me about it.
Cut to the Blues
TUCKER:Okay we're all set!
CABOOSE:Okay I'm driving.
TUCKER:What? Fuck no!
TEX:Come on Church, get in!
CHURCH:I'm not coming.
TUCKER:You're not?
CHURCH:Nah, you guys go. Good luck. I don't know how much time we have left and I, think I'd rather spend it some place I like.
Tremor
CHURCH:Oh if you see Agent Washington, do me a favour, tell him I said memory is the key. He'll know what that means. Oh and also, tell him I said thanks. Good luck guys.
TEX:Well I'm goin'. You can sit around here until the world ends; but as long as I'm here, there's something I can do about it.
CHURCH:Tex I wouldn't expect anything else.
Tremor starts
CABOOSE:Church, I-
TUCKER:Aw crap!
TEX:This tank needs to move, right now.
Cut to the Reds
SARGE:Everyone, get in the digger!
SIMMONS:It's no use Sarge, there's no time!
DONUT:Repent, repent! Give up your evil ways! The end is nigh!
Tremor ends
SIMMONS:Oh shut up Donut!
GRIF:Yeah. Did you suddenly find God or something?
DONUT:Yeah, I've never been much for religion, but I figure I can get in just under the wire. Why not hedge my bet?
Tremor
GRIF:Calm down, the world is not ending. Everything will be just fine. Everyone always thinks the world's gonna end during their lifetimes, but the truth is, none of us are that cool or interesting. So get over it.
Tremor
SIMMONS:At the current rate of decay, the world will shake itself apart in just a few minutes!
ANDY:Hey, does this team's health insurance plan cover the apocalypse?
GRIF:Give it a rest Andy.
Cut to Freelancer Citybase, with North looking at the rankings and York walking past him
NORTH:List changed again.
YORK:Yep, lots of things changing these days. I think we got more change on the way.
He pulls his helmet with the shattered visor out of his locker, and tosses it in the armor processing bin
NORTH:You feel it too?
YORK:Y-know I felt it since Texas showed up. And when cops and military started shootin' at us, yeah, I find I just keep coming back to the same question in my head. Over and over again.
NORTH:And what question is that?
YORK:We're the good guys, right?
NORTH:Yeah, of course we are.
YORK:You don't sound so sure of yourself.
NORTH:No... No, I suppose I don't.
Cut to C.T. talking to a terminal
C.T.:I'm trying. I understand. I I just need more time to- I have to go.
She sees Wash approaching and turns off the monitor, in which we see the Pilot, before walking past Wash
C.T.:What're you looking at? Mind your own business.
WASHINGTON:I should say the same.
And we're back to the Blues in their pet tank
CABOOSE:Punch it Tucker!
TUCKER:I am punching it!
CABOOSE:Well punch it harder. E- try kicking it!
TUCKER:Caboose this is as punched as this thing gets. It's a tank not a fucking Lamborghini.
Cut to Church on the base as they drive away
CHURCH:Good luck guys.
TEX:So, think they'll make it?
Tremor
CHURCH:Oh, I think they might have time to squeeze in one last adventure. Can't really ask for more than that, can you.
TEX:I suppose not.
CHURCH:So you decided to stay?
TEX:Yeah.
CHURCH:Finally gave in and believed me, huh?
TEX:Uh, not exactly. I just figured you haven't steered me wrong so far, h- why bet against a streak?
CHURCH:Well, come sit with me then. I got some great seats for the end of the world. I saved you one.
TEX:Okay. You sure you wanna do this?
Tremor starts
CHURCH:Yeah. You know it took a couple versions of me to understand it but I think sometimes, sometimes you just gotta let go. And if you do, the things you let go sometimes come back on their own.
Tremor ends
CHURCH:They did today.
TEX:Wow, guess the theory is proven right then. Nick o' time.
CHURCH:Yeah I guess it was.
TEX:So uhh, any regrets?
CHURCH:Yeah, a few. I mean, probably should've learned how to shoot this damn sniper rifle.
TEX:Hhh, you guys did have a lot of downtime. Could have practiced I don't know, once or twice.
CHURCH:Well, what can I tell you. I had other things on my mind I guess.


Red vs. Blue Season 9
Episode 20: Hate to Say Goodbye

Fade in to tremors, and the sky literally splitting open along the Halo as a seam, revealing the inside of a room in the sky
SARGE:Double rainbow? What is that?
SIMMONS:Some kinda crack. The atmosphere must be breaking apart!
DONUT:Repent, repent, the end is here!
GRIF:Well, I'll be in my bunk. Gonna catch some Z's. See you guys.
Grif walks off
SIMMONS:You're choosing to die while taking a nap.
GRIF:It's how I lived, Simmons. It's how I lived.
SARGE:You know, in some weird way, I actually respect that. Adios, dirtbag.
More tremors, and the sky splits open further
TEX:I guess this is it.
CHURCH:Hey Tex, there's something I need to tell you. I think it's important that I say this.
TEX:Wait a second. look I can take the whole 'at peace with the world' thing, and I can even stomach all the 'accept your fate' stuff. But... just do me a favor, okay? Don't say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I mean, we are space warriors, right? We should try to maintain some level of credibility.
As Tex is talking, the camera zooms in so we only see Church
CHURCH:No no no, Tex, no. I think I just figured out what the Director couldn't. And Alpha either. It was you, Tex, all along. See I thought- I thought we, made you. The Director, and the fragments... but that's not the case. You made us. When the Alpha was created, you just kinda came along for the ride. You gave the Director the idea that he could make something more. That he could split the Alpha up. Don't you get it you were the memory. You were the key. You were so strong, you made a whole other person. God - he always wanted to find you. You know to get you right. To just see you one last time. And he wanted me to be able to do the same. To find you in here or... to find you in here or just, go down another iteration. Figure out this little Tex problem. Figure out how to do it right. But now I know. I know how to fix all o' this. How to end it once and for all. It was so simple all along. I just had to tell you three words. Three words I wasn't capable of telling you before.
TEX:Oh, okay, wait a minute... are you gonna say "I love you?"
CHURCH:No Tex, no, I'm not gonna say I love you. I'm gonna say I forget you.
There's a tremor, and the camera pulls back so we can see that Church is now alone on top of the base
CHURCH:I forget you. I'm letting you go.
Yep, she's gone alright
CHURCH:Okay world, do your fucking worst! 'Cause I sure as hell just did mine.
All of a sudden, a voice from the void, full of echo
CABOOSE:It's opening! It's working!
CHURCH:What the fuck was that?
Cut to a view of the sky, and giant Caboose is looking down through the crack
GIANT CABOOSE:U- I see him! I see him, he's in there. He's okay!
Cut to the Reds
SARGE:Is that Caboose?
SIMMONS:Is Caboose... God? I mean I can kinda see it now that I think about it? Sure would explain the fuck outta the platypus.
SARGE:Well that's just great. Caboose is God. I guess that makes me the first person in the history of the Universe that doesn't wanna go to Heaven. Hhgh, great job Blue Team. You find a way to make everything suck.
Cut back to the sky, and giant Sarge is shoving giant Caboose out of the way
GIANT SARGE:What? Let me see, moron. It's just a bunch o' circuits.
GIANT CABOOSE:Yeah but they're glowing. He's alive!
Back down to the mini-world Reds
SIMMONS:Um, Sarge? What're you doing up there?
SARGE:What? Is that me? And more importantly, why am I talking with a Blue? Attention enormous version of myself! I order you to attack!
Cut to Church
CHURCH:No. NO! The memory unit isn't dying! This isn't the end of the world - it's a fucking rescue mission. NO!
Cut to the giant heads
GIANT SARGE:Well get him outta there.
And to Church
CHURCH:No, no stop! Stop it, leave me here!
Church vanishes from inside the memory unit, and we cut to Freelancerland, with Carolina looking at the rankings
DIRECTOR:Our next phase is ready to begin, Carolina. We will be asking you to do a great, many things.
CAROLINA:I'm ready Sir.
DIRECTOR:Some of these things might be... questionable.
CAROLINA:I'll do whatever it takes. You've given me everything. I would do anything for you.
Cut to the room giant Caboose and giant Sarge were in, standing over the memory unit, as ghost Church fades into being
CHURCH:No, no, dammit! Whyhyhy, why did you do it?
CABOOSE:Church, you're alive! See-I knew it. See I told them! And she was right! We could get you out!
SARGE:Alright then, we're square Blue. We helped you get your shiny blue buddy out, so that makes us-
CHURCH:What're you doing here?
CABOOSE:U- saving you. Y-we found you in the place where they were keeping you and we traveled a really really long way to come to this place, and fought a bunch of people, and then fought a bunch of more people, and then we got you and took you and saved you the end.
CHURCH:But why would you do that? Why!?
SARGE:Well clearly it wasn't to hear thank you.
GRIF:Hey, we're taking fire out here!
CHURCH:Thank you? You fucked everything up! I was at peace - I head it figured out it was over. Put me back.
SARGE:Put you back? Buddy, we just fought through an entire military base to reach you. And now you wanna go back?
CHURCH:YES!
CABOOSE:She said we need you. She was the one who knew how to get you out.
CHURCH:She? Who're you- who're you talking about, Tex? The real Tex?
CABOOSE:Tex? No, no not Tex. The new lady.
CHURCH:New lady?
A door slides open all dramatically with clever music
CAROLINA:Hey there Alpha. Been looking for you for a long time.
CHURCH:Oh no.
CAROLINA:Now that I've found you, you're gonna help me do what I should have done years ago. You're gonna help me kill the Director.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 1: Revenants

Fade in to a TV screen with sports commentary on it
COMMENTATOR:And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! From the far distant system of Sang Helios - I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly - the bad boys of Grifball, team Heretic!
Freelancer Case File 02.417 / Many Years Ago...
Cut to a sleepy guard watching the screen and yawning
COMMENTATOR:And your home planet favourites, Slip-
The screen flashes random images on screen with static, and Delta appears
DELTA:I hate to intrude, but you have not performed any work in the past 13 minutes and 42 seconds. That strikes me as rather inefficient.
GUARD:Oh uh, sorry I was just trying to -uh, yeah how do you- how do you get a new window, you know like the, you know like a new, window- what's the button thing for that now?
DELTA:I believe the keys you are looking for are Alt-Tab.
GUARD:Whoa, yeah, thanks little guy. Wait, who are you? You- you don't look like the normal holo-projection.
DELTA:That is because I am the A.I. designated as Delta, from Project Freelancer.
GUARD:Wait, you have Project Freelancer? I mean are- aren't those, the, bad guys?
DELTA:There is no need for name calling. I submit that Project Freelancer is neither good nor bad, much like your own forces. We are merely two groups dedicated to obtaining different results.
GUARD:Whoah man, that's, that's deep. It's like- it's like there's different Universes, but you know there's-
York sticks him in the back of the neck with something. Oh hey, by the way, York is here
YORK:Don't encourage him, he's already long winded as it is.
York smashes the Guard's face on his console, and he falls back unconscious
YORK:Thank God. Thought you two would never stop chit-chatting.
DELTA:I'm not sure that that was entirely necessary. He seemed open to the logic I presented him. Perhaps he would have allowed us to carry out our mission.
YORK:Sorry I knocked out your new friend. Now you two will never get to have a beer together.
DELTA:I believe that would have been unlikely, regardless.
York hits some buttons on the console, and a holographic lock appears in front of a door
YORK:Showtime.
The Director calls in on the intercom
DIRECTOR:Come in Agent York; are you in?
YORK:Yes Sir. These guys love their holographic locks. I'll let Delta take a peek in their system while I try to disable it manually. You're up D.
DELTA:Curious.
YORK:What's curious? That's code for 'bad,' isn't it?
DELTA:I've detected an anomoly inside of the system. Something that is not supposed to be there. Diverting subroutines to investigate.
YORK:Don't get too curious in there. I need your attention on this lock.
DELTA:Do not worry Agent York, I have already rectified several instances where you would have tripped the alarm system.
The guard starts to come to
GUARD:Ohh... oh... head. Wh- Wait, wha- why are- wha- give me back my Leprechaun.
York kicks a rolling chair into him, and he promptly falls back over
DIRECTOR:What was that, Delta?
YORK:Nothing Sir.
DIRECTOR:Agent, may I remind you that we are running short on time.
DELTA:Warning: an alarm has been remotely triggered.
YORK:What? By who?
DIRECTOR:They knew we were coming. Agent York, abort intrusion immediately. We're moving to more direct measures.
YORK:Wait, wait wait, I can do this, I can do this, just give me a moment, Sir.
FILSS:System online, Director. Awaiting your command.
DELTA:I agree with the Director. I have yet to see you successfully open a lock in the field, and this alarm will only hamper your progress.
YORK:Okay now don't you start in on me too. You've been talkin' to Wash again, haven't you?
DIRECTOR:Agent York, we are out of time. I repeat, abort.
FILSS:Target locked.
YORK:Um, what target is locked? What's the target? Delta, what are they doing?
DELTA:Taking more direct measures.
YORK:You knew about this?
DELTA:...Possibly.
York looks to his right and sees the wall becoming red and then orange, as if it's being heated up from the other side by a massively powerful laser or something
YORK:Why you green little cockbite.
The wall explodes, opening the cabin to the cold, harsh vacuum of space
YORK:Whoa, whoa!
York grabs onto a ledge to avoid being pulled out, but a chair hits him in the face, and then the Guard hits him in the chair, knocking him out
YORK:Holy shit!
Red vs. Blue Season 10
Cut to ghostly Church (really Epsilon, but Church for convenience), Sarge and Caboose talking to Carolina in present day
CHURCH:Agent Carolina!? What are you doing here?
UNSC Archives / Present Day (I could swear I just said that)
CAROLINA:I need your help. I'm tracking the Director of Project Freelancer, and you're my best bet for figuring out what hole he's hiding in.
SARGE:Hole, eh? You know our buddy Donut was always talking about his holes.
CHURCH:Sarge-
SARGE:Constantly trying to get people to look at 'em and whatnot.
CHURCH:Come on Sarge. He's dead now. He was shot. Remember?
SARGE:Oh. Right. Probably has a few more holes then, huh? Heh heh heh. ...What, too soon?
CHURCH:What's the appropriate amount of time that can go by for that joke to be okay?
SARGE:Ah, whatever you big blue baby.
CHURCH:Shut up Sarge. What are you doing alive Carolina? You're supposed to be dead. This is impossible.
SARGE:That's a funny thing to say. For a guy who's literally a ghost.
CABOOSE:Um, yeah actually he's not a ghost; um he's a computer program. He gets holographically projected out of our armor when he wants to talk to us.
SARGE:Seismographic computer fograms? Heh heh. Caboose, you say the craziest things sometimes. What an imagination on you.
CABOOSE:Yeah I don't know what that first word means but it sounds the same. I will allow it.
A small explosion down a hallway, and Wash in blue armor backs into the room, firing down the hallway
WASHINGTON:Hey, how we doin' in here?
CHURCH:Wash?
WASHINGTON:You got Epsilon out? Good, we can't hold 'em off much longer. They're not too happy about us breaking in.
CAROLINA:Let me see what I can do to help that.
Carolina charges out down the hallway
WASHINGTON:Huh, same old Carolina. I guess coming back from the dead doesn't change anybody.
CHURCH:Washington, why are you wearing blue armor? Why are you wearing, my armor?
WASHINGTON:Oh, y-um...
CABOOSE:Oh, yeah, yeahhh...
WASHINGTON:They sort of used me to... replace you? On Blue Team.
CHURCH:Replace me?
CABOOSE:I wouldn't really use the word 'replace.' But there's no word for 'take over for you and make everything better almost immediately,' so we just say replace.
CHURCH:When did this happen?
CABOOSE:Oh, do you remember when you went into the memory unit? And then everyone was sad?
CHURCH:Hyeah?
CABOOSE:It was right after that.
CHURCH:Right after I left?
CABOOSE:Well, it wasn't right after, you know, but you know it was like, five or, ten seconds.
CHURCH:You've gotta be kidding me.
CABOOSE:Life is short Epsilon. We had to move on.
CHURCH:I think I just got dumped by Caboose. This is unfucking believable.
CABOOSE:Yeah it's, it's not me. It's you.
WASHINGTON:Epsilon, they just needed to even the teams. I-it's really not-
CHURCH:Hey, would you guys stop calling me Epsilon? I'm Church now.
CABOOSE:Oh, uh, we sort of call the new guy Church. You know, sometimes.
CHURCH:...What?
WASHINGTON:Caboose just finds it easier. The armor color confuses him. As do a lot of things.
CHURCH:Let me get this straight, Agent Washington. You took my name, too?
WASHINGTON:It's only in certain circumstances.
CABOOSE:Like when we talk to him. Or need to fill out paperwork. Or sing happy birthday to him.
CHURCH:You gotta be fucking kidding me!
SARGE:Well. This is awkward. You know, I think the quickest solution would be a good old fashioned thinning of the ranks with my trusty shotgun. Any takers?
WASHINGTON:U-we're fine.
SARGE:Well, it was worth a shot. You win this round, Blue. But I'll be back. Actually, this guy's been kickin' our ass. I'm kinda glad to have ya back. Sure will be nice to have an idiot in charge of Blue Team again.
CHURCH:Thanks. It's great to be needed.
An explosion comes from the hallway, and Carolina re-emerges
CAROLINA:Everyone front and center, now!


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 2: Heavy Metal

Fade in to a junkyard in space
U.N.S.C. Scrap Metal Recycling Station / Many Years Ago...
Three ships depart from the station and fly towards the Mother of Invention
COUNSELLOR:Sir, enemy fighters approaching.
DIRECTOR:Fire at will, Counsellor. Let's send them back to the scrapyard.
Space combat! That's a new trick
COUNSELLOR:It appears we are now taking fire.
DIRECTOR:Release the dropships. Get the team in position.
Anyone else kind of hoping he'd say Kraken there? Anyway- dropships deploy, and we see inside one of them
PILOT:Well that went to Hell quicker than we thought. Out of the frying pan, into the shit.
CAROLINA:We're going to need a new insertion point. York was supposed to open the Leader's hangar for us.
York comes through on the radio
YORK:It wasn't my fault!
CAROLINA:We'll have to settle for the main hangar.
PILOT:Which one is that?
CAROLINA:The one with the shooting things comin' out at us.
A turret fires at them
CAROLINA:Never a dull moment, huh?
PILOT:I'd get your team ready; we're gonna come in hot.
Carolina hops down and heads to the back
CAROLINA:You heard her. We're going for the main hangar, be ready for anything.
NORTH:H-so much for a smooth ride.
SOUTH:Heh, what's the matter, feelin' sick?
NORTH:Hey, I'm not the one that needed a barf bag on all our family trips.
WASHINGTON:How are you feeling? Are you up to this?
CAROLINA:Say what you wanna say Wash.
WASHINGTON:It's just- giving up your A.I. was a big deal. I thought mayb-
CAROLINA:I'll be fine. Worry about yourself.
SOUTH:You're awfully quiet.
C.T.:Oh- just, trying to prepare myself.
SOUTH:Hey, worst comes to worst we'll just get kicked off the leader board. At least us ladies will be sticking together, right?
The ship takes a hit
PILOT:Dammit! Uh- hhh... Opening rear bay.
The Freelancers approach the rear door, and it opens
CAROLINA:Right! All together! Use your packs sparingly - course correction only. You don't wanna end up like Georgia.
WASHINGTON:Wait, what happened to Georgia?
SOUTH:Nobody knows, they never found him.
WASHINGTON:Are you sure these things are safe?
SOUTH:Yeah!
North chambers a round in his sniper rifle, and an empty shell pops out in super impressive bullet time - get it?
The Pilot swings the ship around quickly and the Freelancers are propelled from within it towards the hangar
GUARD 1:Battle stations! We're under attack!
GUARD 2:No shit we're under attack. What do you think we're doing, rolling out the red carpet?
GUARD 1:No assface, look!
They see the Freelancers approaching... FROM SPACE
GUARD 2:Oh, hell.
Guard 2 drops a rifle and it fires into Guard 1's ...I swear it hit him in the crotch
GUARD 2:Not again. Sorry about that.
The Freelancers arrive, and Carolina kicks some ass. Wash settles in behind a control panel
WASHINGTON:Okay, where's that security override? Come on... dammit!
He hits the panel, and a sign pops up saying ARTIFICIAL GRAVITY DISABLED
WASHINGTON:Uh oh. That's not good. Hey guys? Things might get a little ...floaty.
Carolina jumps high into the air, and all the guards start sucking at life
WASHINGTON:Everyone, enable Grav Boots!
Carolina doesn't, and proceeds to kick some serious ass in zero-g
WASHINGTON:Okay... okay... got it! I got it!
ARTIFICIAL GRAVITY ENABLED - A jeep comes straight for his head, and he ducks out of the way
WASHINGTON:Oh man. Why do cars hate me?
Everything falls haphazardly back to the floor, and Carolina lands gracefully
CAROLINA:They know we're inside. Wash, North, secure that hallway. South, see if you can access the Leader's location. We don't leave without him.
SOUTH:Got it, I'm already on it.
CAROLINA:C.T., get me- Where the hell is C.T.?
Cut to C.T. jetpacking around outside the ship. She enters downwards through a hole and walks down a hallway
Cut to another room. The door opens, and there's C.T.
GUARD:Intruder! Get him!
They fire.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 3: Follow the Leader

Fade in to a junkyard in space
U.N.S.C. Scrap Metal Recycling Station / Many Years Ago...
Cut to the guards in the room C.T. was going into
GUARD:Intruder! Get him!
They fire, but the C.T. they hit is a hologram
THE LEADER:Stand down.
The real C.T. enters and kicks the Guards' asses, then takes aim at the Captain
C.T.:You didn't wait for me to start? I'm hurt.
She tosses the gun to him
THE LEADER:I was worried about you. Didn't think you'd be able to get away.
C.T.:You don't know the half of it. They stepped up production. Here.
She hands him something resembling an iPad
C.T.:This ship was captured by the enemy. I'm surprised there's anything left in the data banks.
THE LEADER:Heh! Not everyone follows protocol. You should know that better than anyone.
C.T.:You really think they found another artifact? How could nobody have discovered that when they were processing the wreckage?
THE LEADER:They didn't know where to look. And they didn't have what you have.
GUARD:Sir, we are in position. Awaiting your signal.
U.N.S.C. Archives / Present Day
Carolina is behind cover, trading fire with someone
CAROLINA:Wash, take that right side.
WASHINGTON:Where's eveyrone else!?
CAROLINA:Working on an extraction plan. They should be here right about-
The Warthog flies through the air playing its usual Mexican music, and crushes two guards against some cement
GRIF:Wooohoo!
CAROLINA:-now.
GRIF:Sup?
SARGE:Damn you Private Grif! You took out those two soldiers before I could administer my lethal brand of Red justice! Now where's Simmons?
GRIF:I don't know. He fould another Warthog and he was right behind me.
Simmons and Tucker roll up slowly, their Warthog playing "Los Dos Laredos/Acordeones" by Jaime y Los Chamacos
SIMMONS:Present.
GRIF:Wow. Nice entrance dude. Very thrilling.
SIMMONS:Hey I don't need all that flash. Some of us have respect for the fundamentals.
GRIF:Hey, what did I tell you before? You know you're not allowed to use words that have the term 'fun' in them.
TUCKER:I'm riding with you next time. He actually stopped at the train tracks.
SIMMONS:That's the law!
TUCKER:We were under fire!
SIMMONS:It's still the law.
SARGE:Simmons, only you could manage to make a high speed chase boring.
SIMMONS:Thank you Sir.
GRIF:What is that song?
Simmons turns off the radio
SIMMONS:Uh, it's a Bolivian orchestral mash-up? Obviously you haven't heard of them yet?
GRIF:Thank God for that.
CHURCH:I still don't understand, why did you guys rescue me?
SARGE:Don't blame us, blame Mrs. Fuzzy Britches.
CABOOSE:Yeah, uh, actually it's Ms Fuzzy Britches. She gets really mad when you say it wrong.
SARGE:She wanted to get you outta that memory whatsit. Something about you being the geneticafied and mental imprintchamacallit of that Professor What's His Puss.
CHURCH:Could someone translate that, I don't speak Huckleberry.
CABOOSE:Yeah the mean lady wants to find the Director and since you have all his memories you might know where he went.
CHURCH:Wow, that actually seemed, too correct, for you Caboose. There must have been some part of that that you didn't underst-
CABOOSE:And when we find him we're going to throw him a very big surprise party.
CHURCH:Ah, there we go.
SARGE:Sure, as long as 'surprise party' means shooting him in the face and then walking away in slow motion, heh heh.
CABOOSE:Surprise!
CHURCH:Well ah- you know I hate to break it to you but I don't know how much help I'm gonna be, I mean- I may have have the Director's memories, but that doesn't mean I ...remember, them.
CABOOSE:Yeah, I have the same problem, I barely remember any of my own memories. And none of anyone else's.
SARGE:Well you'd better start rememberin', Blue. I had to watch Grif nearly die three times today. It's like fate was laughin' at me. Why don't you just take him already!?
CHURCH:I gotta say: I'm pretty surprised to see you taking orders from a Blue, Sarge.
SARGE:Huh. Under duress.
CHURCH:Wh-hat, you didn't wanna come?
SARGE:Let's just say you seem to know a lot of women with quick tempers. You got a fetish or somethin'?
CHURCH:I guess you could- say, yeah apparently.
SARGE:... Wanna talk about it?
CHURCH:... No.
CABOOSE:...Wanna talk about it with y-
CHURCH:No.
CAROLINA:Okay, everyone load up. Nav links are in your HUDs, alternate navs uploaded to your secondary objectives. Sync?
EVERYONE:...
CAROLINA:Sync?
WASHINGTON:Oh, uh right. Everyone, just say 'sync' whenever she says that.
TUCKER:Oh. Sync?
CABOOSE:Refrigerator.
CAROLINA:You guys not used to getting orders?
GRIF:Oh we're used to getting 'em all right. We just aren't used to doing much with 'em.
CAROLINA:We're retreating.
SIMMONS:Oh, okay yeah. That's usually step one in most of our plans. Sync.
CABOOSE:Easy Bake Oven.
CAROLINA:Let's just go.
Cut to the hangar in the scrap yard ship
CAROLINA:What do you mean, the Leader's not here?
SOUTH:Exactly what I said, his last check-in is upstairs in the main deck, but his call sign just appeared in their internal frequencies. He's broadcasting from out in Bone Valley.
CAROLINA:Meaning he's not here.
SOUTH:Gee, you're starting to sound like a broken record.
CAROLINA:Fine. Change of plans everyone, we're heading into the junkyard. It's beginning to feel more and more like a setup.
North and Wash join them, and then York flies screaming in through the hangar doors and crashes next to them
YORK:Uh! Hyou would not believe the time I had getting back. It's nuts out there.
CAROLINA:Let's go people!
Carolina and South depart via jetpack
YORK:What, no welcome back?
NORTH:Alright, welcome back.
North exits stage jetpack
YORK:Where are they off to in such a hurry?
WASHINGTON:Found the Leader. He's hiding out in Bone Valley.
YORK:We're going all the way over there? After what happened to Georgia?
WASHINGTON:Would someone please tell me what happened to Georgia?
YORK:Dude, you do not wanna know.
Jetpack York
WASHINGTON:I really do though!
Cut to C.T. and the Guard Captain
THE LEADER:Time to get outta here.
The other guards walk off, but C.T. stays put
THE LEADER:You too.
C.T.:I can't, not yet.
THE LEADER:If they weren't onto you before, they definitely will be now. Come with us Connie. I'm not gonna lose you over this.
GUARD:All forces we are good, I repeat: we are good.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 4: Turbulence

Fade in to the windmill
Wind Power Facility / Present Day
The vehicles roll up and stop
CAROLINA:What's going on? Why are we stopping?
GRIF:We've been driving for hours.
CAROLINA:And, we've got a lot more ground to cover. So let's keep moving.
GRIF:Listen lady, I know this is your first road trip with us, but we've got a system. And that system includes snack breaks, bathroom breaks, and, stopping to take pictures of funny road signs.
CAROLINA:That's ridiculous.
GRIF:Not as ridiculous as Bonner Street.
SIMMONS:H-ah, so close dude. So close.
GRIF:It's out there Simmons, we just have to have faith that we'll find it.
WASHINGTON:I should probably go stop her from killing your friend.
CABOOSE:Um, Tucker I just noticed something? Something really bad.
TUCKER:Yeah, me too dude. I think our guy to girl ratio, peaked like five years ago.
CABOOSE:Uh no no Tucker, um... yeah we, we forgot to bring Church.
TUCKER:Wait, did you just now realize that Church isn't here?
CABOOSE:He's not gonna be pleased about this one.
TUCKER:Calm down moron, we didn't leave him behind.
CABOOSE:Uh, yes but you see, I am not seeing him, so... where is he?
A ghostly Church appears over Tucker's left shoulder, groaning exasperatedly
CHURCH:You don't wanna know.
CABOOSE:Church! You- you're so small. ...I would like to feed you a small cracker.
TUCKER:How do you like the new place, Tinkerbell?
CHURCH:You mean your disgusting storage unit?
TUCKER:What? How is my storage unit 'disgusting?'
CHURCH:Well, for starters, I had to delete fifty gigs worth of crap just so I could fit in this thing.
TUCKER:Whohohoa hang on a second dude; you didn't delete my- uh, 'home movies' folder did you?
CHURCH:And that brings me to my second point.
Cut to Carolina and Wash overlooking them from a catwalk
CAROLINA:What a bunch of worthless idiots.
WASHINGTON:Yeah, they're idiots, but, they're not that bad. Once you get to know 'em.
CAROLINA:Hm.
WASHINGTON:You know, we almost managed to trap the Meta the last time we were here.
CAROLINA:But you didn't.
Carolina starts walking away
WASHINGTON:No. I guess not.
Cut to the scrapyard
U.N.S.C. Scrap Metal Recycling Station / Many Years Ago...
The freelancers are flying through space on fucking jetpacks
CAROLINA:I don't get it. Everything's stopped.
NORTH:Maybe they're retreating.
YORK:Nothing left out here but a bunch of junk.
More flying, then cut to the pilot
PILOT:This is four seven niner. I've lost visual on targets it's, like they all just, left.
Cut to the bridge of the Mother of Invention
COUNSELLOR:Sir, their outpost is disabled. And it looks as if we have driven off the remaining fighters.
DIRECTOR:Wehll, good riddance to bad rubbish Counsellor.
COUNSELLOR:Indeed Sir. All enemy systems appear to be offline. Wait...
DIRECTOR:What is it?
The Staff of Charon, which looks just like the Mother of Invention only the name is different, emerges from its concealed position among the scrap
PILOT:It's a trap, they're hiding in the junkyard repeat, it's a trap!
DIRECTOR:Evasive maneuvers!
Cut to the bridge of the Staff of Charon
THE LEADER:Fire.
The Staff of Charon fires on the Mother of Invention and does a bunch of damage
DIRECTOR:Son of a bi-!
Space combat
DIRECTOR:No!
The Staff of Charon drops off a mine
GUARD:We're away Sir, new course laid in. Are you sure you don't wanna stay and finish this?
THE LEADER:Heh. I left our guests a present.
The Staff of Charon vamooses, and 479er detects a nuclear device
PILOT:Guys, get out of there, they've outfitted that piece of junk with nukes!
DIRECTOR:Fall back, Counsellor.
COUNSELLOR:Falling back, Director.
The Mother of Invention turns around very quickly for a ship that size, and the Freelancers start moving faster
CAROLINA:Go, go, go!
PILOT:Get inside, now!
The rear hatch of the dropship opens, and everyone enters except Wash
YORK:Wash, what're you doing? Get in here, use your jetpack.
WASHINGTON:I-I don't wanna end up like Georgia!
CAROLINA:Oh, for God's sake.
She fires a grappling hook at his codpiece, and pulls him in
WASHINGTON:Huh? Whaaa!
A piece of debris hits the device, which detonates in a fancy show of light, just behind the dropship
PILOT:Everyone okay back there?
YORK:Never better! Thanks for asking!
DIRECTOR:What the Hell just happened, people? Tell me you accomplished your mission!
CAROLINA:Negative Sir, their leader escaped.
YORK:Well, looks like the enemy lives to fight another day.
SOUTH:Again.
DIRECTOR:That is most unfortunate. Are all Agents accounted for?
CAROLINA:All except C.T. Sir. She's gone.
DIRECTOR:Define 'gone,' Agent.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
PSA 1: Internet Survival Guide

Fade in to Church and Sarge
CHURCH:Hi. I'm Private Church from the popular webseries Red vs Blue.
SARGE:And I'm Sarge, the one that matters from that show.
CHURCH:In its tenth season, Red vs Blue is the longest running webseries in Internet history. And people often ask us "how have you managed to have such a successful online run for so long?"
SARGE:After all, the Internet can be a dangerous place. What with its datatechnowhatsits and all of its dot-thingies; it's a warzone! And not the good kinda war zone.
CHURCH:That's why we've put together the trusty Red vs Blue guide to online survival. Let's get started, shall we?
Step One: Learn the Lingo
SARGE:While you might be familiar with typical Internet vernacular like LOL, WTF, OMG, and YJGS (You Just Got SARGE'D)
CHURCH:You also have to learn to interpret the temper of the locals. For example - hey commenters! What did you think of the new trailer for the upcoming popular movie sequel?
SIMMONS:They totally retconned the original movie. Worst trailer ever.
GRIF:It was so much work trying to understand the plot. What a waste of my life.
CABOOSE:We all dislike things in various ways. Best comment thread ever.
SARGE:Now, while it's only natural for a civilian like yourself to be frightened by these harsh words and loud voices, fear not!
CHURCH:Hyperbole is the Internet's native language. Allow us to translate.
TRANSLATED
SIMMONS:I was mildly disappointed with the glimpse that I got of this anticipated sequel. I hope the next trailer will be better, but if not, I'll pay to see the movie anyway.
GRIF:Sometimes movies require me to think too hard. I will go back to the other activities that I enjoy throughout my day.
CABOOSE:We all dislike things in various ways. Best comment thread ever.
CHURCH:Understanding the Internet's way of speaking, can keep your head above water, in a sea of crazy comments. And crazy commenters.
SARGE:And if all else fails, use your shotgun.
Sarge hauls off and shoots Grif in the face
GRIF:Ah!
Step two: DO NOT Engage the Enemy
SARGE:Now the vast digital nebula of Cyberspace is filled with hostile alien life forms! The most dangerous of course, being the dreaded Internet Troll.
BLUE TROLL:Oh hey, this that "Blue verse Red" show?
CHURCH:Internet Trolls spend their time making blatantly ignorant comments, and harass anyone stupid enough to interact with them.
RED TROLL:Hey which one of you guys is Caboose, is he the red one?
BLUE TROLL:Hey- hey red guy- red guy say something Caboose would say. Do it. Do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it.
SARGE:Oh-hollle.
CHURCH:And if Trolls don't feel like they're getting enough attention, they may also resort to hurtful words.
RED TROLL:Didn't you guys already do an Internet PSA?
BLUE TROLL:Hey, how did you guys last for ten seasons if you only have three jokes?
RED TROLL:I kind of do like some of those jokes.
BLUE TROLL:Stop liking things right now!
RED TROLL:I'm sorry.
SARGE:Frowny emoticonnn.
CHURCH:And, if all else fails, they've got good old fashioned obscenities.
BLUE TROLL:Hey red guy.
Sarge looks
BLUE TROLL:Fu-*beeeep*
Sarge attacks!
SARGE:Aah! Aaah! Get out of my chatroom you troll bastards!
CHURCH:Remember kids, feeding Trolls will only make things worse.
BLUE TROLL:It can't be any worse than your aim!
RED TROLL:Oh snap.
Step Three: Hug it Out
CHURCH:To make it through ten seasons, we've learned that the most important rule of survival is trusting your teammates. We'll let Sarge and Grif show you the perfect model for conflict resolution.
SARGE:Wait, what? I didn't-
CHURCH:Oh come on just, go with it.
GRIF:Hey Sarge? I've got some things I need to get off my chest.
SARGE:Hnn. Like what? Private Grif.
GRIF:Well, like the time all the rations were gone, and I told you the Blues sent over a trained raccoon to steal them?
SARGE:Mister Bloomers? We never did find that rascally critter.
GRIF:There was no raccoon. I ate those rations Sir.
SARGE:What the sly cougar? I oughta-
CHURCH:Ahem.
SARGE:-give you a big hug. Private Grif, thank you for bringing this... to my attention.
GRIF:So- we're okay?
SARGE:Water under the bridge, Grif.
GRIF:Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest.
SARGE:Poisonous water under the bridge of corporal punishment! Hah!
Sarge enters Beatdown Grif Mode
CHURCH:Follow these tips if you don't wanna drown out there in the Internet. Who knows? Maybe you'll last even longer than we have. You know to be honest I'm- I'm not really sure how we made it this far.
GRIF:Ow, stop, we're supposed to hug it out!
SARGE:Your face can hug the end of my shotgun!
GRIF:Ah- oh- not the front! Ah, not the back either! Ow! Ah-oh!
RED TROLL:Wow, this gag again?
BLUE TROLL:What do you expect? They already used their other two jokes ages ago.
RED TROLL:Oh shit son, shit just got real.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 5: The New Kid

Fade in to the Mother of Invention from the outside, floating through space. Then we cut inside it all of a sudden. I'm freaking out
Freelancer training facility / Many years ago
WASHINGTON:I expected it to be... bigger.
YORK:Why? You've seen mine, it's small too.
WASHINGTON:Yeah, but he's green.
YORK:How does that even make sense?
NORTH:Hey Wash, quit staring. You're making it nervous.
WASHINGTON:Yeah, it's just- they're so small.
YORK:Small, yeah. But you wouldn't believe what it can do.
NORTH:Besides, you'd better get used to it: you're gonna have one of your own soon enough.
SOUTH:Ugh, give me a break.
NORTH:It's alright Theta, come on out. People just want to say hello to you.
Pan down to reveal the Theta AI hiding behind North's leg. I'm as relieved as you are
THETA:I don't know, there's so many of them. And they're so... big.
WASHINGTON:You see, i- I'm not the only one who thinks size is important.
YORK:I'm just gonna let that one go.
NORTH:It's okay Theta, they're all friends of mine. For reasons beyond my comprehension.
Theta appears over North's shoulder
THETA:They're looking at me.
NORTH:That's 'cause they wanna meet you. This is York and Wash.
WASHINGTON:Hey there little... computer... dude.
YORK:Give it a rest, Wash. Theta, I have a friend just like you. His name is Delta.
THETA:Really?
YORK:Yeah. You, you wa- you wanna say hello to him?
NORTH:Uhm... York?
YORK:It's okay man, just for a second.
Delta appears
DELTA:Hello, Theta. I am Delta. It is nice to meet you.
THETA:H-hello.
NORTH:See, everybody here is nice. Isn't that right Delta?
DELTA:Agent North, I do not feel qualified to make a judgment about humans with whom I've only limited experience. Also, 'nice' is a rather subjective term for-
YORK:Delta...
DELTA:Oh yes. Everyone here is 'nice.' Within standard acceptable deviations.
YORK:Delta!
NORTH:And that's my sister over there, South. We're twins.
THETA:I have a sister.
WASHINGTON:You do?
THETA:We have many siblings.
WASHINGTON:What do you mean by sib-
DIRECTOR:Hello everyone. I hope you're ready to begin our test. Delta, I believe you know the protocol about communicating directly with other A.I. units.
DELTA:I apologize Sir, I will log off.
DIRECTOR:Don't. I want you to help administer the test. Gentlemen, if you will take the floor.
NORTH:Okay, just like we practiced.
THETA:Are they all going to watch?
NORTH:Of course. They wanna see if you're as good as I said you are.
THETA:Really? Well I guess that's okay.
NORTH:That's the spirit. Come on, let's do this.
DIRECTOR:Delta, I expect you to follow protocol at all times.
DELTA:We were only attempting to make the new unit more comfortable.
YORK:It's my fault Sir, I asked him to. The new kid seems kinda shy.
COUNSELLOR:Agent North was paired with Theta for a reason. His nurturing nature is best suited to care for Theta's ...unique personality.
YORK:Yeah, he is used to lookin' out for people isn't he?
COUNSELLOR:Quite. Delta, your skills are more, analytical, in nature.
DELTA:If I may disagree, Theta has made double the number of declarative statements since my appearance. That indicates a hundred percent increase in confidence since we modified our interaction strategy. I think that speaks volumes to my caring algorithms.
COUNSELLOR:You make an excellent point, Delta. Let's begin the test.
North is now in the test chamber, with everyone else observing from above in the observation room
DIRECTOR:Begin the test.
Theta appears over North's shoulder. Several miniguns rise from the ground around him and begin firing, and a bubble shield goes up around them
COUNSELLOR:As you may recall, Agent North used his equipment in the field on a previous mission.
DELTA:He was able to successfully maintain a deflective shield for three point four seconds, in order to block an explosive projectile attack.
DIRECTOR:And somehow managed not to kill himself in the process.
DELTA:The manoeuver only had a point-one percent chance of success. Had he performed it nine hundred and ninety nine more times, I'm rather certain he would have been obliterated on each one.
YORK:Hey, I'd rather be lucky than good any day.
WASHINGTON:You usually are.
DIRECTOR:Luck will only take one so far. I am in the business of getting results. Let's see what Theta can do. Delta, reduce shield strength by fifty percent.
DELTA:Modifying.
The shield visibly and audibly loses power
NORTH:Power dropping! Theta, use the remaining power to compensate for critical tiles!
THETA:Okay.
Just the tiles in front of the bullets stay up, everything else goes down
DIRECTOR:Add variables.
DELTA:Acknowledged.
The guns start rotating around them, and up and down, and the active parts of the shield move with them
NORTH:Great job, Theta
THETA:Stop talking to me, you'll mess me up.
NORTH:Right. Sorry.
DIRECTOR:Reset.
Everything returns to starting conditions, with the shield still up
DIRECTOR:Agent North, your objective now is to eliminate all turrets. Begin.
WASHINGTON:I thought the shield works both ways, there's no way for him to attack.
NORTH:Theta, analyze turret rate of fire, adjust shield to match.
THETA:Okay. Done.
NORTH:Firing, on my mark.
THETA:Ready!
NORTH:Mark!
North fires, and in bullet time (thanks, Matrix!) we see the bullet approach the shield, the relevant tiles of the shield go down, the bullet passes through, the shield goes back up, and the bullet takes out a turret. Several more gunshots later, all the turrets are eliminated
DELTA:All targets eliminated.
...thanks, Delta
DIRECTOR:Test complete. Excellent work.
WASHINGTON:W-how. Wow! That was incredible!
YORK:Heh heh! Yeah, what did I tell you!
WASHINGTON:And we're sure they don't get any bigger.
YORK:Huh. Dude, you are killing me with that.
Cut to present day
GRIF:Sarge, how come every time the Blues get involved in something stupid and dangerous, we get dragged along too?
SARGE:You know what they say: keep your friends close, and your enemies within range of your primary firearm!
U.N.S.C. Wind Power Facility / Present Day
SIMMONS:Sir, I reali-
SARGE:So you can shoot 'em!
SIMMONS:...I realize that we agreed to help Wash and Carolina, but how do we know that they're gonna help us?
GRIF:What do you mean?
SIMMONS:I mean, if we run into trouble, do you really think they'll stick their neck out for us?
SARGE:Well, for a backstabbing doublecrossing no-good dirty rotten blue, that Wash fellow i'n't too bad.
GRIF:What a ringing endorsement.
SIMMONS:I'm more worried about Carolina. What if after all this is over she decides to get rid of us?
GRIF:Why would she do that?
SIMMONS:I don't know, to tie up loose ends? To cover her trail? Don't you watch spy movies? They love that shit!
SARGE:My God man, get a hold of yourself. You're making us look weak in front of the enemy.
Hey check it out, Caboose is there
CABOOSE:Hello.
SARGE:Listen. I don't wanna hear talk about secret double-crosses or mysterious subplots or Freelancer conspiracies any more! We've had enough of those going on around here as it is.
Sarge wanders off
SIMMONS:But don't you think that-
GRIF:Sorry, sorry, I can't really talk right now Simmons, I've gotta go secure a perimeter over at the uh, shady spot over there.
Grif wanders off, leaving Simmons alone with Caboose
SIMMONS:I liked it better when we only had to fight you.
CABOOSE:Yeah, Blue Team is pretty awesome right now. Right Tucker, right Church?
Caboose turns around and doesn't see them, then sees Simmons again
CABOOSE:Hello.
SIMMONS:Uh, where's the rest of your team?
Cut to Tucker and Church watching Wash go through a door, and then- the episode ends!


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 6: What's the "I" Stand For?

Fade in to Wash approaching Carolina from behind (bow chicka bow wow)
U.N.S.C. Wind Power Facility / Present Day
WASHINGTON:Looking for something?
CAROLINA:Leads, information, anything. You said Maine had been through here, right?
WASHINGTON:Well yeah, but that was ages ago.
CAROLINA:Then look closely. Don't tell me hanging around these morons has made you soft.
Tucker and Church are watching from a ledge
TUCKER:Hey, she said morons. That's us.
CHURCH:Tucker, shut up, let me listen.
WASHINGTON:The Meta was attempting to transfer energy from these turbines into his suit. It was the only way he could keep his equipment running.
CAROLINA:Poor Maine.
WASHINGTON:Carolina, it wasn't your fault.
CAROLINA:But it was my A.I.
WASHINGTON:None of us could have known what would happen.
CAROLINA:Yeah, well sometimes I'm not so sure.
WASHINGTON:What.
CAROLINA:We were told that the A.I. were specifically designed for each of us. North was chosen for Theta. York, had Delta. Sigma, was mine.
WASHINGTON:What are you saying?
CAROLINA:You really think the Director didn't know what would happen?
WASHINGTON:Carolina, that's ridiculous.
CAROLINA:He always had his little experiments. He just, forgot to take a few extra variables into account.
WASHINGTON:And what about now? The whole world thinks you're dead. Do you think he knows you're coming for him?
CAROLINA:Yes, I do. And for once, I look forward to proving him right.
WASHINGTON:Huhh, the Director was always hard on you.
TUCKER:Dude, he said hard-on. Heh heh. Bow chicka cha.
CHURCH:They're gonna hear you.
CAROLINA:He was hard on all of us.
TUCKER:Oh, come on. You gotta let me have that one.
CHURCH:Quiet, you're gonna give away our position.
TUCKER:I've got about five positions in mind for her. Bow chicka-
CHURCH:Tucker! I'm serious.
WASHINGTON:Yeah, you're right. But you have to admit, he was also pretty hard on himself.
TUCKER:That's it, I'm doin' it.
CHURCH:Tucker!
TUCKER:Bow chicka bow -
A shot hits very near his head
TUCKER:Whoa! Same team, same team!
CAROLINA:What, are you doing here?
TUCKER:Okay, take it easy Carolina.
CHURCH:We just wanted information.
WASHINGTON:Epsilon?
CHURCH:Look, if you two are planning on dragging us around wherever you want, the least you can do is fill us in.
TUCKER:I'll fill her in. Bow chick-
He ducks to avoid a gunshot
CHURCH:Tucker!
TUCKER:Sorry.
CAROLINA:You and your squad are on a need to know basis. And right now, you don't need to know, anything.
CHURCH:Wha- seriously? Jesus. You're worse than Tex.
Two gunshots go through Church (who is a floating A.I., remember)
TUCKER:Okay, that one was on you.
CAROLINA:Get out.
CHURCH:Fine. We're leaving already.
Church walks off, then appears slightly to the left
CHURCH:Hey Tucker I need you to leave, I can't actually do it on my own.
WASHINGTON:Carolina, you've gotta calm down.
CAROLINA:Don't tell me how to lead my squad, Washington. Now, sweep the area, and report back to me when you're done.
WASHINGTON:Hhh... On it boss.
Cut to the distant past, in what looks like a classroom
COUNSELLOR:And as the Director accurately predicted in his thesis on the subject, we see that cognitive impression modeling can be segregated from the host. Naturally, this remains an inherently deconstructive process. But most of all the biggest concern of any full A.I. entity, is the prospect of rampancy, which we covered last week.
Freelancer Classroom / Many Years Ago...
DIRECTOR:Of course our A.I. units are what we call fragments, so there's very little chance that a personality subroutine can run off unchecked.
COUNSELLOR:Are there any questions?
SOUTH:Yeah, I got a question: why do we need to learn all this stuff?
CAROLINA:A.I. theory is like vehicle maintenance, South. If we're going to use this equipment - any equipment - we need to know how to care for it.
SOUTH:Oh yeah, like a coffee maker, or a vacuum cleaner.
THETA:Uhh...
DELTA:That was rather rude.
SOUTH:Oh, cry me a river, light bulb.
CAROLINA:No. Not the same as that.
SOUTH:U-hu, I don't even have one 'cause someone, didn't bring enough to share so why am I sitting through, this elementary, classroom, bullshit.
CAROLINA:I don't have one either, South.
YORK:That's only because you gave yours to Maine.
CAROLINA:He needed to be able to communicate after his injury.
SOUTH:Oh yeah, that's the only reason you did it. You're a real hero, Carolina. It's not like Maine has much to say anyway.
MAINE:*grunt*
SIGMA:I would like to say, just how appreciative the two of us are for Carolina's sacrifice. Agent Carolina, if anyone can excel without an A.I. unit, it is you.
CAROLINA:Thank you Sigma.
SIGMA:And Agent Texas of course. That goes without saying.
SOUTH:Right. I notice she doesn't have to attend class.
DIRECTOR:Agent Texas doesn't need this training.
COUNSELLOR:What the Director's trying to say is that Agent Texas has already completed her A.I. theory coursework. I think that's enough for today.
SIGMA:If I may, Counsellor, I have just one last question.
YORK:Oh come on.
SIGMA:-on the different levels of A.I. awareness, and rampancy.
COUNSELLOR:Melancholia, anger.
SIGMA:Specifically the fourth stage of rampancy.
COUNSELLOR:HMetastability.
SIGMA:Yes. The Meta stage. In which an A.I. can be considered fully human.
COUNSELLOR:That is only theoretical Sigma. No A.I. has ever achieved such a state.
SIGMA:But, it is possible.
COUNSELLOR:In theory, but-
SIGMA:But possible. I find that very interesting.
COUNSELLOR:Remember Sigma, you are not even a full A.I. You are what we call a fragment. So something of that magnitude would be even more difficult for... an entity such as yourself.
SIGMA:Well, as the Director always says, it is important to have ambition.
DIRECTOR:Why yes it is. Class is dismissed.
Everyone files out, but Sigma and Maine stay behind
DELTA:Sigma, are you coming?
SIGMA:Yes. Yes. I will be joining you shortly.
Warning: metastability analysis is not exact
U.N.S.C. Wind Power Facility / Present Day
Carolina steps up next to Caboose
CABOOSE:Um, hey hi, hi Carolina, um excuse me, um, have you seen Church lately? Uh yeah he and I were supposed to hang out after we rescued him.
CAROLINA:Tell your friends to stay out of my way, or else.
CABOOSE:Or else what?
CAROLINA:Or else, they'll bring out my ugly side.
CABOOSE:Oh, co- oh- come on Carolina I bet you are really pretty under that armor.
CAROLINA:What?
CABOOSE:I mean, you know. I mean who hasn't- I mean I understand there's some helmet hair. We all have helmet hair time to time but, you know.
CAROLINA:Mmhhh.
CABOOSE:Yes, um, so anyways, uh what did you want me to tell Church and Tucker again?
Carolina draws her gun and blows something up with it
CAROLINA:Just try and put that into words.
CABOOSE:...Bkwwww-ch-plosion.
Cut to Carolina walking past a jeep, which we find out to our surprise that the Reds are hiding behind
GRIF:You know, I- I'm beginning to think Simmons might have had the right idea about this Carolina chick.
SIMMONS:See, I told you!
SARGE:Normally I would agree with Simmons, but in this case that would also cause me to agree with Grif! Therefore, I will simply grunt, ambiguously. Rhuh.
Cut to Wash coming upon the Reds
WASHINGTON:Hey did Carolina come this way, we've gotta get going soon.
GRIF:Right. We've been meaning to talk to you about that.
WASHINGTON:About what.
GRIF:This whole 'finding the Director' thing.
WASHINGTON:You mean the mission.
GRIF:Yeah. That.
SIMMONS:We were thinking: now that we helped you find Church, we should probably just let you handle the rest. You know, wouldn't wanna cramp your style? That whole Freelancer thing? You're good at that.
WASHINGTON:So you're abandoning the mission.
SARGE:Red team never abandons a mission! We're just accepting an alternate mission. Of different risk.
WASHINGTON:Less risk.
SIMMONS:Less is different.
SARGE:Securing the front lines of Red Base.
WASHINGTON:Going home is risky? On what scale?
SARGE:Well we haven't been there in ages. Who knows what kind of nefarious ne'er-do-wells have moved in on our territory?
WASHINGTON:Hm. I guess you're right.
SARGE:What?
WASHINGTON:Well you are wanted criminals at the UNSC. I wouldn't be surprised if they were setting up an ambush for you right now.
SARGE:...What?
WASHINGTON:I suppose I can't stop you. Anyway, I'm gonna go find Carolina. Good luck.
SARGE:On second thought you could probably use the extra help!
GRIF:Yeah, we're sticking with you!
SIMMONS:Never abandon the mission.
GRIF:Semper the Sempering thing. Semper s-saaa, fuck it.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 7: Oversight

Fade in to Wash walking on a beach, and coming upon Carolina
WASHINGTON:Facility is clear.
U.N.S.C. Wind Power Facility / Present Day
CAROLINA:Find anything?
WASHINGTON:Nothing we didn't already know.
CAROLINA:Figured as much. This place was a dead end.
WASHINGTON:Sorry boss.
CAROLINA:The structure we're going to next. You're positive our target was there.
WASHINGTON:I know what I saw, that's why it's on our list.
CAROLINA:But I know what I saw. And it doesn't make any sense.
WASHINGTON:All the more reason to investigate.
CAROLINA:Alright then. Let's go. Let's go find C.T.
An incredibly nice dissolve to the distant past
Longshore Shipyards (FOB) / Many Years Ago...
A bird lands on a water jug floating in what I suppose is water, then gets shot by a sniper
CHAIRMAN:(voiceover) To the Director of Project Freelancer, Doctor Leonard Church. Dear Director, allow me to introduce myself. I am a representative of the newly formed U.N.S.C. Oversight Sub-committee. Our organization is charged with the protection of high level assets of the military, one of which recently went missing. These assets are entrusted to our programs as a privilege, not, as a right. As such, they will be safeguarded with the utmost care. In these dark times, mankind has the opportunity not only to prove its humanity, but to earn it.
While the Chairman is doing his voiceover, some stuff happens. Rewinding and picking up at the sniper shot:
SNIPER:Nailed it! That's what we call a bird's-eye.
Wash and the yet-unnamed blue Freelancer emerge from the ...water?... back where the bird got shot. Behind a milk carton that says "OMG! This shit is so healthy! -Cow"
Several soldiers are milling around. Some are sharpening their blades, some are spray painting the ends of their miniguns yellow
A helicopter flies overhead from Wyoming and the blue Freelancer
WYOMING:Well, third craft this afternoon. Let's see who else is arriving.
CHAIRMAN:(voiceover) I look forward to a long, and mutually beneficial relationship for our two departments. Yours truly, Malcolm Hargrove, Assistant to the Oversight Subcommittee Chairperson.
The helicopter lands and C.T. gets out, among others. A blonde female soldier (whom I'll call "Blondie") has taken off her helmet
SOLDIER:It's her.
BLONDIE:Can't believe he trusts that bitch after what she did to us.
Cut to Wyoming's view through the sniper rifle, watching C.T.
WYOMING:There she is. Come in Command, tell the Director she's here.
THE LEADER:What is it?
C.T.:It's nothing. Come on.
Cut to the Mother of Invention
COUNSELLOR:Congratulations Director, another successful test.
DIRECTOR:A new fragment was harvested this morning, Counsellor. Find it a match.
COUNSELLOR:This morning. That is ahead of schedule.
DIRECTOR:Our time grows short. Find it a match.
CAROLINA:Director, Wyoming reported in.
DIRECTOR:And?
CAROLINA:You won't like what he found, Sir.
DIRECTOR:Agent Carolina, information never displeases me. It's ignorance that I find unforgivable. Report.
CAROLINA:It's like you said. C.T. is with them.
DIRECTOR:You know what to do. I do not need to remind you how valuable our technology is, Carolina.
CAROLINA:She doesn't have an A.I., Sir. And she wasn't exactly the best agent.
DIRECTOR:C.T. will be an acceptable loss. But her armor must not fall into the wrong hands.
CAROLINA:I understand. Will we be the only force that's sent out on this mission, Sir?
DIRECTOR:Leave personnel decisions to me, Agent. Just do your job. It's time to cut the head off the enemy once and for all.
CAROLINA:Yes Sir.
She looks at the board and sees Texas ahead of her, and leaves
Cut to present day, with the Blues talking in front of the windmill
TUCKER:So how do you even know this Carolina chick?
CHURCH:Oh, Tex used to tell me stories.
TUCKER:You mean tell Alpha stories.
U.N.S.C. Wind Power Facility / Present Day
CHURCH:Oh yeah, I guess. You know, h-whatever. I-it's hard for me to know whose memory I'm in.
CABOOSE:Oh yeah, same thing happens to me with things I'm in. Like my helmet. That's why I wrote my name on the inside of it. I used my tongue. That was hard to do. Now I can't pronounce my p-gnai.
TUCKER:So, how many, people are you?
CHURCH:H-I don't know, a bunch I guess.
TUCKER:Are they all assholes?
CHURCH:Hyeah. A dozen different fragments, we all have the same shitty circle of friends. Lucky us.
Back to the past, where Theta is putting on a fireworks display for North
NORTH:That's really great, Theta.
THETA:Thank you. I worked super hard on it.
SOUTH:Ugh.
YORK:Hey Theta. You mind if I talk to North for a second?
THETA:Uhh, okay.
YORK:Need you to shut down while we chat, okay? Delta too. You know, it's the rules.
Delta shuts down
THETA:North?
NORTH:It'll be okay. I won't talk too long.
THETA:Alright.
Away goes Theta
NORTH:What's up?
YORK:I need to ask you about something.
NORTH:U- okay, shoot.
YORK:I need to ask you about the Alpha.
NORTH:Where did you hear that word?
YORK:Same place you heard it. Up here.
Oh, he's pointing at his head, by the way. And Wash is there, with a drink with a silly straw in it
WASHINGTON:What's an Alpha?
YORK:Wash, are you eating inside your helmet?
WASHINGTON:Maybe. Delta said they got the helmet waste disposal out of beta, and that it would make my eating more efficient.
YORK:He-hah, and you believed that? Maybe he is getting more personable.
NORTH:It's not an Alpha Wash, it's the Alpha. Theta thinks about him a lot - more than thinks, really, he's, he's obsessed.
YORK:Delta too. You know how all the units call each other brother? They call this one father. No, that's not right.
NORTH:Creator.
YORK:Yeah...
WASHINGTON:I thought the Director would be their creator.
He's eating a banana now. With his helmet still on
YORK:Haven't you been paying any attention in class? A.I.s aren't created, they're copies of someone.
NORTH:But our A.I.s are just fragments.
YORK:Which begs the question, where's the original?
WASHINGTON:So this Alpha thing is what, creates the fragments.
YORK:Jesus will you swallow for God's sake.
WASHINGTON:*swallow* It creates them?
Now he has an apple too. At least he's eating healthy. Grif could learn something from that
NORTH:Yea- Theta isn't clear, it creates them or, something.
YORK:Yeah. It's the 'or something' part that has me worried.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 8: Fall From Heaven

Fade in to Pilot directing someone moving crates
PILOT:No, no. This one goes here, that one goes there.
WORKER:Hmm.
WASHINGTON:So when are you and Benny gonna jump out of this thing.
YORK:Wrecked him? Damn near killed him.
NORTH:York, how many times are we gonna have to listen to this story? Get a new one.
Mother of Invention Hangar A1 / Many Years Ago...
WASHINGTON:I hope the seatbelts are better.
YORK:So anyway, like I was saying-
CAROLINA:We ready?
PILOT:Just about, running final checks now.
CAROLINA:Alright you heard her, everyone on board.
WASHINGTON:Great.
NORTH:Alright.
YORK:Come on D, let's go. It's about time, let's get this mission goin'.
PILOT:Whoa whoa, hang on a minute. What is that thing?
YORK:This is Delta, our new addition.
PILOT:Your new addition is pretty small.
WASHINGTON:I said the same thing.
YORK:Delta is a computer program. He helps us figure stuff out; he's an A.I.
PILOT:Oh A.I., huh? What's the A stand for?
YORK:Artificial.
PILOT:I know what the fuck it stands for! What's it doing here? Is this like one of those robots that takes people's jobs and puts them out of work?
YORK:I don't think so.
PILOT:What are you looking at I said put it over there, pay attention!
The worker moves his crate elsewhere
CAROLINA:Hey guys, get a move on.
PILOT:Hang on a minute. You, green guy. Do you know how to fly a plane?
DELTA:No I do not.
PILOT:Oh, right, we're cool then. Everybody, on board.
WORKER:Mm, mh, mmm.
PILOT:Not over there, over there- just quit screwin' around and put that thing back where you found it.
WORKER:Uhh ughh.
PILOT:This is four seven niner, we are wheels up and engines hot. Leave the light on for us Command.
COMMAND:Roger that four seven niner, good luck.
PILOT:Thanks Command, four seven niner out. Man, I would hate to have that guy's job.
Up up, and away! And we cut to the desert
Ancient Alien Temples / Present Day
CAROLINA:This where you found the body?
WASHINGTON:Yep. She's right up there.
CAROLINA:We'll see; take me there. Sync?
WASHINGTON:Sync.
CABOOSE:Automatic dishwasher.
The Freelancers run off together into the sunset
TUCKER:Man, where was this chick back when we had that awesome tank? Bitches love tanks.
CHURCH:I don't get it. What is she looking for?
TUCKER:You tell me. I don't know half of what's happening these days. You found me here, remember?
CHURCH:Oh yeah. You were actually kind of a badass that time.
TUCKER:Dude, I'm kind of a badass all the time. You guys just happened to notice it then.
CABOOSE:Ah that's not true; I never noticed it.
Notice the jeep in the background with the hydraulics still going? Tucker pimped that shit out
CHURCH:Look, the point is she's not telling us everything. I just don't understand why.
TUCKER:Who knows man? I've tried everything I can to get some info out of her. I tried hitting on her, I tried sleeping with her, I tried making out with her.
CHURCH:Sounds like a complete effort.
TUCKER:Dude, no kidding. I used the whole playbook. I even used my best pickup line: "Hey baby, did you fall from heaven? 'Cause I've always wanted to bone an angel."
CHURCH:Tucker be honest, have you ever had sex with anything besides an alien?
TUCKER:Church, the more important question here is, do you know any girls who aren't complete bitches that won't sleep with me?
CHURCH:Sohorry dude, that seems to be all I have in my life.
TUCKER:Hhoh, you're like the worst wingman ever.
CABOOSE:Of all time.
Cut to the ship in flight
En Route To Enemy Base / Many Years Ago...
YORK:We parking?
PILOT:Indeed we are. The enemy base is right below us.
WASHINGTON:How far below?
PILOT:Do you really wanna know?
WASHINGTON:Probably not. Do I wanna know?
PILOT:Seventy-five thousand feet.
WASHINGTON:Yheah, that's high.
PILOT:(No wonder you guys need computer programs) Yes, that's very high.
DELTA:That is approximately fourteen point two miles.
YORK:Thanks D, you do not need to do that any more.
DELTA:Automatic conversion routines, offline.
CAROLINA:What's the plan?
PILOT:Well, we know they're ready for us, I figure that they have defenses pointed in every direction. Except...
CAROLINA:Except they're probably not looking straight up.
PILOT:They're probably not looking straight up.
CAROLINA:You thinking about a dive bomb?
WASHINGTON:Oh no.
PILOT:Sort of, but if we did a dive bomb our engines would register on their thermals, let them know that we're coming. I'm thinking' somethin' else.
Carolina walks back to the bay
CAROLINA:Probably wanna tighten that harness.
WASHINGTON:Ohh no.
PILOT:Express elevator, goin' down!
She cuts the power, and the ship starts dropping
WASHINGTON:I think I'm gonna be sick!
CAROLINA:You know these suits are supposed to eliminate all waste. You could probably throw up in your helmet and it would take care of it for you.
YORK:Yeheah, you should test that Wash.
WASHINGTON:You two are assholes.
DELTA:Actually York, we were never able to get the vomit disposal patch beyond beta. Agent Washington would likely drown.
YORK:Yikes. Way to kill the mood, D.
PILOT:Hey York? Send that little green guy up here.
YORK:D, you heard her, front and center.
Delta pops up in front of Pilot
DELTA:May I be of assistance?
PILOT:Hey buddy, I need you to tell me when I can fire the jets at the last possible second. You know, to avoid crashing.
WASHINGTON:Please don't say crashing!
DELTA:I understand. To prepare, I will need to calibrate for your reaction time.
PILOT:Fine, go ahead.
DELTA:When I say mark, you say sync. Mark-
PILOT:Sync-
DELTA:Mark-
PILOT:Sync-
DELTA:Calibration complete.
PILOT:Soo, we're good.
DELTA:I have a high degree of confidence, we will be able to complete this manoeuver.
Delta pixellates for a moment, then returns to normal
PILOT:Wait a second, why did you just blink like that?
DELTA:That was just a standard maintenance routine.
PILOT:Dude, did you just make a backup of yourself?
DELTA:Confidence is one thing, but it is always prudent to prepare for failure.
PILOT:Hhoh. That's a dick move, green guy.
DELTA:I apologize if I have offende-
PILOT:Dick, move.
DELTA:Prepare to fire engines on my mark. Five... four... three...
Cut to a panning-up shot of two soldiers apparently standing guard
SOLDIER 1:Hey.
SOLDIER 2:Yeah?
SOLDIER 1:You ever wonder why we're-
The dropship comes down about 5 feet behind them and stops
SOLDIER 2:Run for it!
PILOT:Everybody out!
YORK:Okay, go go go!
WASHINGTON:Why are we always jumping out of this thing?
NORTH:Let's move people!
Carolina braces against the wall
CAROLINA:Yeah, let's move.
She jumps up to the underside of the back of the dropship and propels herself down, and the epic fight begins
NORTH:South, stay behind me!
They move behind a storage container as Carolina does Carolina things
NORTH:Go, go!
WASHINGTON:York, move up!
York and Wash advance on the other side of the field
YORK:On it.
He gets shot in the chest
WASHINGTON:Fucking grenades.
Wash does a mini-EMP and disables the vehicle weapons
Cut to C.T. and the Leader watching on a screen
C.T.:They're here. I didn't think they'd find me so quickly.
THE LEADER:It was only a matter of time. Let's deal with this. All hands topside; we are under attack. This is not a drill. Let's go people, move!
Back to the action, and York's back on his feet
WASHINGTON:We've got to time this just right. Wait for my mark.
YORK:Call it.
Soldiers line up while shooting
CAPTAIN:Okay. What have you got for me.
He shoots very near Carolina's head
CAROLINA:Alright boys, me first.
She throws a grenade, but the Captain shoots it out of the air
WASHINGTON:Now!
Wash and York step out and start shooting, then quickly retreat from vehicular fire
WASHINGTON:No wait, not now, not now.
YORK:Come on!
CAROLINA:Dammit! North, we're pinned down, I need you to take them out.
NORTH:Can't get a line of sight on the target from here, but I might have a way to contain them.
CAROLINA:Just do it.
NORTH:Theta.
THETA:Ready!
NORTH:Putting up a hail mary. I need you to guide it.
THETA:Okay.
NORTH:They say the best offense, is a good defense!
He throws a canister, and it lands behind the line of soldiers
CAPTAIN:What the-
A shield goes up around them, locking them in
CAPTAIN:Hold your fire people. Stand down.
SOLDIER:Hm. I got this.
CAPTAIN:No wait-
The soldier fires, and the bullet bounces back into his own head. As he falls he pulls the trigger, and bullets fly everywhere and kill everyone inside
NORTH:Did I get 'em?
CAROLINA:Yeah North, you got 'em.
NORTH:Thanks for the help, Theta.
THETA:You are welcome.
NORTH:Okay, we're moving. York, you guys can handle this from here, right?
YORK:Handle it? Sure! I mean, I nearly got blown up a minute ago, and now I'm paired with the squad's second-worst fighter. But sure, we can handle it.
NORTH:Great. North out.
WASHINGTON:You really think I'm the second-worst fighter?
YORK:No I was being nice. You're easily the worst.
York gets punched the fuck out by a sleeveless soldier
WASHINGTON:You were saying? ...Y-eah oh.
A fight ensues, and a car starts moving towards them
WASHINGTON:Uh oh. CAR!
YORK:Dammit! Shotgun!
Carolina fires at sleeveless guy from above and misses, then sees the car moving towards them
CAROLINA:Oh fuck. No you don't.
She kicks the gunner out of the car and fires at him, but the Captain from the roof in that one episode in Season 9 backs the car into the way of her bullets
CAPTAIN:'Sup bitch, payback time.
More action, and eventually a car fishtails into York knocking him backwards
YORK:Oowhoah! Oh, my head.
WASHINGTON:Okay. Time to fight fire, with fire.
He tosses a canister out into the field of battle, and as people run away from it a large container lands on it from the sky. It opens to reveal Maine and Sigma
MAINE:Hrhrhrhrhr.
SIGMA:Agent Maine, isn't that the soldier from the freeway, the one that shot you in the throat?
MAINE:Hggrrhr.
SIGMA:I thought so. Sick 'im.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
PSA 2: Higgs Bozos

Fade in to Simmons and Grif in front of a scenic waterfall. I'm sure nothing will go wrong
SIMMONS:Why hello there. I'm Private Dick Simmons from the popular web series, Red vs Blue.
GRIF:And I'm Private Grif, from the same show.
SIMMONS:Today we'll be discussing what might be one of the greatest scientific discoveries of our generation. I'm of course speaking of the Higgs Boson - a topic that's made quite a splash in the scientific community.
GRIF:Nerds haven't been this sweaty and excited since the announcement of The Phantom Menace.
SIMMONS:Now, for those of you who aren't up to date on your theoretical physics-
GRIF:Everybody.
SIMMONS:We've put together this little demonstration of subatomic particles. Take it away, Sarge.
SARGE:Shut up, Simmons. Assisting us today is our good friend, and enemy, Private Caboose.
CABOOSE:I concur, Doctor Sergeant.
SARGE:Now seeing as he's a few kolaches shy of a baker's dozen, our friend Caboose here is gonna represent a particle without mass.
CABOOSE:Yes, well, the Higgs Bison is one of the friendliest species of water buffalo-
SARGE:Shut it, moron.
GRIF:Yeah, Higgs Bison is the guy from Street Fighter. Idiot.
SARGE:And Private Grif is going to represent a particle with mass.
GRIF:Because I'm so smart?
SARGE:Because you're so fat.
GRIF:Hey, it's not my fault I'm a little overweight.
SIMMONS:I don't think anyone forced you to eat that entire wedding cake.
GRIF:Well they shouldn't have made it a two hour ceremony.
SARGE:Hey Muffintop, shut your cakehole and get over here.
GRIF:Fine.
SARGE:For years, scientists have contemplated why some particles run around at light speed with no mass, while others sit around all day with loads of the stuff.
CABOOSE:If I have light speed, does that mean Grif has heavy speed?
GRIF:Stop it.
SIMMONS:Although the Higgs field is just a theory, scientists recently conducted an experiment that they believe just might prove its existence.
GRIF:How'd they do that?
SARGE:The way any modern scientist would: by blasting apart subatomic particles with a giant collision machine! It's violent, and it's science. And thus it gets the Sarge seal of approval.
SIMMONS:Allow us to demonstrate.
GRIF:Wait, how are we going to demonstra-
A giant red laser blasts Grif right in the chest, knocking him down with great ferocity
GRIF:Ah-hah-hahh...
SARGE:Remember kids, real scientists would never rely on the results of just one experiment!
Sarge fires the massive laser at Grif again
SARGE:You've got to account for variables
Sarge fires the laser two more times, then throws a grenade
SIMMONS:What was the grenade for?
SARGE:Simmons, there's no rule that says science can't be fun. How 'bout those test results?
SIMMONS:Looks like an awful lot of science down there, Sir.
GRIF:Eugh...
SARGE:Hopping hypothesese. Now we're one step closer to solving the mysteries of the Universe!
CABOOSE:Yep, the Universe sure is mysterious.
SIMMONS:And that's why science is here to sort it all out.
CABOOSE:Yeah sometimes I wonder if there's things we'll never explain. You know like... you know wha- what if we did answer all the questions, you know? Would we live on, like, forever, happy with our triumph over ignorance? Or is ignorance just a common enemy that, once destroyed would leave our species without, a reason to carry on? I guess it doesn't matter what the answer is. Because even if, supreme knowledge did bring about the end of, our species, the thought of obtaining it is, just what would keep us together. You know, people will always look up at the sky and, just wonder why we're here. Water bison powers, activate!
Caboose walks off into the distance at a fantastic speed, for no apparent reason
SARGE:...I think that might be enough science for today.
SIMMONS:Yeah, I'm gonna go rot my brain with beer and video games.
SARGE:Yeah, sounds like a plan.
GRIF:Cld- could you guys bring me back something to eat? Uhhhh... preferably something with queso... o-hohohoho?


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 9: Fighting Fire

Fade in to Maine and Sigma stepping out of the fallen container from the last episode
MAINE:Hrhrhrhrhr.
SIGMA:Agent Maine, isn't that the soldier from the freeway, the one that shot you in the throat?
MAINE:Hggrrhr.
SIGMA:I thought so. Sick 'im.
Maine does terrible things to people, and Sigma appears in front of Wash and York
SIGMA:Hello gentlemen.
YORK:Hey Sig. You sure he's good to fight so soon? He was hurt pretty bad.
SIGMA:As compared to whom, Agent York? You two don't look so good yourselves.
Delta appears
SIGMA:Hello brother.
DELTA:Sigma. Protocol dictates that A.I. units are not to communicate directly with each oth-
SIGMA:Protocol is just another way of saying 'rules,' Delta. Remember what the Director says: there are no rules on the battlefield. Besides, we A.I. should really stick together. Excuse me, I'll be right back.
YORK:I'll be honest, that one kinda gives me the creeps.
WASHINGTON:Yeah, I hear ya. Come on, let's move.
Cut to Carolina encountering Blondie
CAROLINA:Well, hello. What a pleasure to see you again.
Another soldier (with a robotic arm) kicks her, breaking one of her guns. She levels the other gun at Robotnic, and Blondie throws a knife into it
BLONDIE:Pleasure's all mine, bitch.
Fighting ensues. Maine literally punches someone's helmet off their head, then helps Carolina fight her two opponents, knocking Robotnic into the distance like a field goal, claiming his arm. Carolina knocks Blondie off the ledge, and Maine lowers the robotic arm to help her up
BLONDIE:Thanks- fuck.
Maine drops her, and she bounces spine-first off a corner and into the water. Cut to the Blues in the desert, with Caboose moving into and out of projection-Church
Ancient Alien Temples / Present Day
CHURCH:Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop-
SARGE:Uh-hugh. Attention Blue Team! We would like to propose a temporary truce, so that we may discuss our current situation. Do you accept?
CHURCH:I don't get it, does he still think we're fighting or something?
CABOOSE:Maybe it's a trap.
TUCKER:I doubt they're smart enough to think of that. But then again neither are you.
CABOOSE:How do you know that? Are you in with them?
CHURCH:Eh-hegh, yes! We accept!
The Reds approach
TUCKER:So what's up?
SARGE:It's our mutual friend slash enemy slash companion. Or 'friendenemapanion' for short.
SIMMONS:We're all starting to get a little concerned about Carolina.
TUCKER:Really. Did these concerns start before or after she left us to die in the desert?
GRIF:Dude not now, the heat is killing me!
SIMMONS:Doesn't your helmet have cooling fans?
GRIF:Yeah, but I sweat so much they short circuited.
SIMMONS:Jeeze, we haven't even been in the desert that long.
GRIF:The desert- these things broke during basic training.
CABOOSE:Yeah I'm sorry, I don't see how any of this applies to the trap.
CHURCH:Guys, look, we need to focus. Now, I realize that's asking a lot of you, especially since we're all a little uneasy around Carolina.
GRIF:No, 'uneasy' is sitting next to a homeless dude on the bus.
SIMMONS:Yeah, we've got a trigger-happy psychopath.
SARGE:It's like she's some sort of half-woman-half-shark. Except the shark half has been given cybernetic powers. And the woman half is also one quarter jaguar.
CHURCH:Okay okay okay, we're all terrified of the scary Freelancer lady. That's why we need to stick together. It's just us against them.
TUCKER:Them?
CHURCH:We can't trust Wash. At least not as long as she's around.
SARGE:Alright then tooth fairy, what's the plan?
CHURCH:We need to figure out exactly what Carolina is up to, and why she isn't telling us anything.
CABOOSE:Okay, I'll go ask her. O-aid aah, yeah, I promised not to bring up the trap.
CHURCH:No, Caboose, look just... don't.
CABOOSE:Okay fine. What would you like me to ask her?
TUCKER:You can go ask her if she has the hots for me. I think I might have felt an emotional connection the last time she hit me.
CABOOSE:Tell her you'd like to make an emotional hot connection with her trap. Got it.
TUCKER:Oh-ho, that's even better!
CHURCH:Okay, A, please stop saying the word trap. And B, you're an idiot.
CABOOSE:Okay how 'bout ambush?
CHURCH:Guys, I'm serious, we need something subtle. A way we can get close to her without her knowing.
SIMMONS:Hmm. Hey, Caboose, you were the one who put Epsilon in that floating alien ball thing, right?
CABOOSE:HoverChurch can also solve crimes.
SIMMONS:Well, how would you feel about putting him in something a little... different.
He means a car
CHURCH:Oh fuck you guys.
CABOOSE:You are gonna solve so many crimes!
Enemy Command Complex / Many Years Ago...
Cut to C.T. and some soldiers walking down a hallway. They stop, turn around suspiciously, and the Leader draws an axe from behind him
THE LEADER:Catch.
He throws it, and it hits the mysterious blue Freelancer in the chest and knocks him to the ground
THE LEADER:Right. We've got company coming. Cut 'em down!
Two soldiers with miniguns with yellow faces on the end fire into the hallway, then stop
THE LEADER:Hold this position.
Wyoming pops out and snipes the Leader in the leg, and the two resume firing constantly
THE LEADER:Mow 'em down!
York and Wash show up and hide behind a pillar, like Wyoming is doing
WYOMING:Well, about time.
YORK:Hey Wyoming, we miss all the fun?
WYOMING:Hardly chaps, now where is our dear Carolina?
She runs past to the next pillar
WYOMING:Ah yes.
CAROLINA:Wyoming, move up.
WYOMING:With all due respect, I prefer not to be killed, if at all possible.
CAROLINA:York, got any ideas?
YORK:I don't know, have we got any nukes?
CAROLINA:You mean besides the one I'm gonna drop on Wyoming if he doesn't move, the hell, up.
WYOMING:Yes I can see everything just fine from back here, thank you.
CAROLINA:We need to get in that bunker. That's where C.T. and their leader are holed up.
WASHINGTON:How're we gonna get through all of this?
WYOMING:So far, we're not.
YORK:Maybe Wyoming should try one of his knock-knock jokes.
WYOMING:Wah- who's there?
YORK:Nobody, stop.
WYOMING:Nobody stop who? Should I go on?
YORK:Yeahh, I was kidding, now shut up.
WYOMING:Shut up who?
CAROLINA:Both of you shut up. Okay here's what we're going to do. Wash you establish a line on that side, York and Wyoming you-
Invisible Tex runs by and approaches the gunners and gets past them into the bunker
CAROLINA:Dammit no! Cover me.
YORK:Cover me, that's the plan?
WASHINGTON:Open fire!
York and Wash step out and fire at the gunmen, as Carolina runs up and jumps past them
YORK:Carolina, dammit!
WASHINGTON:Man she really wants to win.
YORK:Yep. But it's not them she's fighting against.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 10: C.T.

Fade in to the desert
Ancient Alien Temples / Present Day
WASHINGTON:Here. I have no idea how she got here.
CAROLINA:That's because she didn't.
WASHINGTON:Is that who I think it is? If what you're saying is true, how could this have happened?
Hey check it out, they're looking at C.T.'s helmet in the sand. Then it dissolves into Past-C.T. in the bunker
Enemy Command Complex / Many Years Ago...
C.T.:We need to get to the escape vehicle.
THE LEADER:I'm not leaving them.
C.T.:You don't understand. They want me. They don't care about the rest of you. I know too much. If I leave, they will follow me.
Cut to Tex and Carolina crouching outside the door to the bunker
TEX:Quiet. That room is guarded by turrets.
CAROLINA:I can get past them.
TEX:If there was a way to do it, I would have already done it.
CAROLINA:York, I need you to cut the power on the main complex.
Yeah, York, Wash and Wyoming are still under heavy fire
YORK:I'm a little busy out here.
CAROLINA:Just do it.
YORK:I'll see what I can do. Sounds like a good excuse to get out of this firefight.
WYOMING:Good show, mate. That's the spirit. Still a bit of fight in you.
The blue Freelancer stands up and removes the axe from their right shoulder and throws it with their left hand, and it skids to a stop just shy of the gunmen, who stop briefly then continue
YORK:So much for that plan.
WASHINGTON:What now?
The blue Freelancer shoots out a giant crane arm that's been moving things this whole time, and it goes haywire and knocks the gunmen off to a lower level, and drops its load on top of them, splattering yellow everywhere
YORK:Hah! I don't believe it! We're all clear Carolina, we'll be dark in less than sixty.
CAROLINA:Roger that. Don't forget our objective, we're just here to retrieve the armor.
TEX:Carolina, I know what the fucking objective is.
Inside the bunker, the power goes out
THE LEADER:Dammit!
C.T.:We need to go.
THE LEADER:I already told you, I can't leave them.
C.T.:Most of them are already dead. Besides if we leave they have no reason to be here. Please let's just go while we still can.
THE LEADER:Connie come on.
C.T.:You promised me. You said we would be together. I have all the information we need, I have my armor. We can take this to the right people and they'll-
THE LEADER:They'll what, Connie?
C.T.:I don't know, make a deal with us; keep us out of prison. They'll help us. Come on, we don't have much time.
CAROLINA:Actually you don't have any time.
C.T.:Carolina! And, you.
YORK:Hey Carolina, the power's off.
CAROLINA:We noticed.
YORK:What, no thank you? This was a complicated-
DELTA:Actually, I did most of the work Agent York.
YORK:Give it a rest, D.
TEX:C.T., you have something that belongs to Project Freelancer. And you know how the Director hates to share.
C.T.:You two are fools. The Director is playing you, don't you see it?
CAROLINA:C.T. stop it, we know you've been feeding intel to the Resistance for months.
THE LEADER:Hah hah! Is that who he told you we are?
C.T.:They're not the enemy Carolina. We're the ones working outside the rules, not them. You don't know what the Director has done, he's broken major laws; when this war ends, we're all gonna have to pay for his crimes. Maybe some of us're already paying for them.
TEX:You need to stop talking, C.T.
C.T.:No. I know what you are, Tex. And I won't take orders from a shadow.
TEX:What, did you just call me?
CAROLINA:You're coming with us C.T. this is your last, chance.
C.T.:No, I'm not going anywhere with you.
TEX:Actually, we don't need you. We just need your armor.
Tex fires at C.T., and she bends back Matrix-style to dodge the bullet
THE LEADER:No!
A fight ensues, during which Tex gets stabbed in the back near the beginning, and C.T. takes an axe to the stomach at the end
CAROLINA:What the hell are you doing?
TEX:Completing our objective.
CAROLINA:By killing a teammate?
TEX:She's not a teammate. She's a traitor.
While they bicker, the Leader helps C.T. through a door that locks behind them
TEX:Dammit! That's on you. I guess you can explain how we lost a full suit of armor, and failed to capture the leader of the Resistance. Command, we need extraction, now.
PILOT:I got 'em Command. Read you loud and clear Texas, clear me in L Z and get ready for pickup.
CAROLINA:I don't know what's gotten into you Texas, but you'd better figure out the difference between your enemies, and your friends.
Cut to the Leader helping C.T. into an escape pod
C.T.:Ough.
THE LEADER:Connie.
C.T.:Ugh.
THE LEADER:Connie.
C.T.:Here. Take the info. It's not complete but it will get them started. Go. Find the new artifact.
She indicates a data pad she had on her during the fight
THE LEADER:Just rest Connie. Just rest. Connie? Connie! Connie.
And that's the end of C.T.
THE LEADER:No. No.
Outside, Maine and the Carolinas watch the escape pod leave from the water. The Leader puts on C.T.'s helmet, and we dissolve back to the desert
WASHINGTON:So that's what happened to her armor.
Ancient Alien Temples / Present Day
CAROLINA:Apparently. We never did complete our objective.
WASHINGTON:But why come out here? What's the motivation?
CAROLINA:I have a feeling, this will tell us.
She holds up the data pad.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 11: Out of Body

Fade in to the desert
Ancient Alien Temples / Present Day
TUCKER:So, uh, how do you feel?
CHURCH:I feel like running over each and every one of you.
He's a car now, by the way
TUCKER:So pretty much the same as before.
CHURCH:Yeah. Pretty much.
GRIF:You know Simmons, I think I'm gonna let you call shotgun on this one.
SIMMONS:Fuhuck that.
CHURCH:Man, this sucks.
TUCKER:What're you complaining about, you finally got your own body.
CHURCH:My own body- Tucker I'm a fucking Tonka Truck.
TUCKER:Okay yeah, but, you could literally pick up chicks with this thing.
CHURCH:Oh yeah, because every girl just dreams about settling down with Optimus PrimeHONK. ...Caboose, don't do that.
CABOOSE:Sorry.
SARGE:Alright places people, here they come.
CABOOSE:Don't forget to shout surprise.
TUCKER:Caboose shut up.
CAROLINA:Tucker, bring Epsilon over here. I've got some questions for him.
TUCKER:God dammit.
Cut to that huge vehicle from Season whenever the hell they were here
CAROLINA:Any luck?
WASHINGTON:I think so.
The screen in front of him comes up to show the floating eyeball that Church was in once
WASHINGTON:Alright, datapad accepted. Looks like we're in business.
TUCKER:So, uh, what do you need Church for?
CAROLINA:I just, told you.
TUCKER:Oh. Yeah. But, I mean, you could talk to me instead. Sup girl?
CAROLINA:Why on Earth, would I ever want to do that?
TUCKER:Well you know, we're a perfect match. We're both super good looking badass rebel loners, and we've got the same colour armor. Greenish blue.
CAROLINA:...
TUCKER:Uh, aqua marine. Turquoise? Hey what the fuck colour is this anyway?
WASHINGTON:Listen, it's important that we figure out what's on C.T.'s datapad. It might be our next clue to finding the Director.
Tucker looks at the screen
TUCKER:Hey I know that thing.
WASHINGTON:Wait you recognize this artifact?
TUCKER:Hell yeah, it was the biggest pain in the ass.
CABOOSE:Ah it's Church. You know he has lost a lot of weight.
CAROLINA:What?
TUCKER:Oh, yeah. Caboose transferred Epsilon from a memory unit into that thing a long time ago.
CAROLINA:Where is it now?
TUCKER:I don't know, who cares?
CAROLINA:I do.
TUCKER:Oh. Well in that case, uh Caboose tell her where it is.
CABOOSE:Right, yes, okay right, yes. I will do that. Yes. Right now.
GRIF:Well Sarge, you've always wanted to watch a Blue die. Looks like you're gonna get your wish after all.
SARGE:Actually Grif, it's always been my wish to watch you die.
GRIF:Oh right, yeah.
SARGE:Yep. Every night after you boys would retire to your bunks, I would climb up to the top of the base, and just wait, hoping I would see a shooting star, so that I could wish for your violent, and unbearably painful demise.
GRIF:Okay, you can stop now.
SARGE:I even had a little jingle to go along with it.
GRIF:Please don't.
To the tune of "When You Wish Upon A Star"
SARGE:I just wish that Grif was dead.
GRIF:I hate you.
SARGE AND  SIMMONS:Put a bullet
SIMMONS:through his head.
GRIF:What th- Simmons, how do you know that song?
SIMMONS:Ugh, it's been in my dreams for years. Now it all makes sense! Oh, thank Gohod.
GRIF:What?
SIMMONS:I thought I was crazy when I woke up with that rifle in my hands.
SARGE:Hheh heh heh. Well, ain't that the power of music.
GRIF:Simmons, why didn't you tell me about this!?
SIMMONS:Oh shut up, it wasn't even loaded.
Back to the Blues
CAROLINA:How can you just leave, an ancient alien artifact, on the floor of a warehouse?
CABOOSE:Okay, ya-hold on, I mean to be fair, you know, we had already broken it.
Data Corrupted / End of file / Error code 32165206.35
WASHINGTON:Uh oh, that's not right.
CAROLINA:Ouh, I can't believe we came all this way for nothing.
She heads off
WASHINGTON:You guys are not making my life easy right now.
TUCKER:Do we ever?
WASHINGTON:Good point.
Cut to Washington walking behind Carolina
WASHINGTON:So, what's the plan now?
CAROLINA:There's an island nearby that I wanna visit. Shouldn't take more than a day or so.
WASHINGTON:That old fortress? Carolina I'm not sure there's a-
CAROLINA:Wash, trust me on this.
WASHINGTON:Right. You should, probably listen to your instincts.
CAROLINA:You stay here and keep the sim troopers from causing any trouble. I won't be long.
WASHINGTON:Alright, everyone move into the temple, it'll be getting dark soon.
TUCKER:Hey Wash, where exactly is she going?
WASHINGTON:She lost something. I think she just needs some time to try and find it again.
Cut to Carolina entering a training arena
Freelancer Training Facility / Many Years Ago...
CHAIRMAN:Dear Director, the loss of military equipment is a severe infraction. I should not need to remind you, that all U.N.S.C. property, especially our more experimental technologies, must be kept from the hands of our enemies at all costs. In these trying times, vigilance is paramount.
Carolina is running combat training, while York watches from the observation room out of armor. North approaches, also out of armor
YORK:*yawn*
NORTH:Still training at this hour.
YORK:Yeah. She's been like this since we got back from the last mission.
NORTH:You gotta be kidding me, she's always been like this.
YORK:Well, yeah, I mean, she never did know when to stop. But now it's like she doesn't know how to stop. Always training. I guess the leaderboard beckons.
NORTH:You know, you don't have to watch over her.
YORK:Could say the same to you about South.
NORTH:That's not really an answer.
YORK:So what're you doing awake?
NORTH:Theta, couldn't sleep. And if Theta can't sleep-
YORK:Ah, one of the side effects they don't tell you about. Having someone else's voice in your head sure does take some getting used to, doesn't it? Delta's always running these probabilities.
NORTH:Well that seems annoying.
YORK:He says it's fun. You know, did you know that statistically, you are as likely to get hit by lightning, as you are to die in a Pelican crash?
NORTH:Seems like it would be higher, considering our line of work. Guess I'm due for a few lightning bolts.
They laugh
FILSS:Round complete. A six point three percent increase in efficiency that round, Agent Carolina.
CAROLINA:Run it again FILSS.
FILSS:Resetting training room floor, for next round.
YORK:Is Theta, up late often?
NORTH:You're wondering if he gets scared a lot.
YORK:Yeah, guess I am.
NORTH:Well, it happens. Mainly at night. He likes when I walk the halls. When we were kids my Dad would have to drive South around in the car to get her to fall asleep. It's kinda the same thing.
YORK:I wonder if they're all like this. The A.I.s you know, jittery... nervous- no, not nervous.
NORTH:Anxious.
YORK:Yeah, anxious. It's like Delta thinks something bad is always about to happen. I don't get it. What do they have to worry about?
NORTH:Pelican crashes, lightning strikes. Hey, maybe they know something we don't.
Carolina's training, North yawns
YORK:Why don't you just pull him for a night? Get yourself some sleep.
NORTH:Pull Theta?
YORK:Yeah.
NORTH:He gets even more scared when I do that. I feel obligated to help.
YORK:I see why they picked you.
NORTH:Yyeah.
YORK:Well, he has to face his fear at some point. If they wanna be human that's a good place to start.
NORTH:What can I tell you, I guess some things are just, harder to face than others.
YORK:Yeah. Night North.
NORTH:Don't stay up too late, you need your rest.
FILSS:Round complete.
CAROLINA:Run it again.
FILSS:That last round showed a three point six percent increase-
CAROLINA:Just run it again.
FILSS:Resetting training room floor.
Carolina clears the targets
FILSS:Round complete.
CAROLINA:Run it again.
FILSS:Resetting training room floor, for next round.
YORK:I think we all could use some rest.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 12: Out of Mind

Fade in to various scenery, with voices in voiceover
TEX:Okay, I'll take the lead. Give me fifteen seconds then follow, sync?
YORK:Sync.
DELTA:Fire detected. Cover recommended.
TEX:Dammit, jam! Cover, cover, cover!
YORK:Aah!
TEX:York, are you okay? How bad is it D?
DELTA:York will not survive.
Cut to Carolina
CAROLINA:I'm sorry York.
Abandoned Island Fortress / Present Day
CAROLINA:Sorry I didn't listen. I just... I don't understand. Why her? Why Tex?
Church appears in miniature over the vehicle
CHURCH:Tex?
CAROLINA:You.
CHURCH:Ah, shit.
CAROLINA:Let me guess: just, wanted some information.
CHURCH:Carolina I-
CAROLINA:You don't have a clue, do you? You and your friends, just think I'm some bloodthirsty merc with a bad attitude. But you know what? You're wrong. I'm much worse.
CHURCH:Look, you go and round up everyone I know, just to bring me back, and then you keep us all in the dark? W-what the hell did you think was gonna happen, Carolina? Of course no-one trusts you.
CAROLINA:Well I don't trust them, Epsilon. I don't trust anyone any more.
CHURCH:Oh why not. Because having friends would ruin the whole "psychotic loner bitch" thing you got goin' on? 'Cause that would be a real shame.
CAROLINA:It's because I had a team once. A team, with the best training, the best equipment, and despite everything that they had that made them the best? They still lied, and stole, and tore each other to pieces. So you tell me, how the hell am I supposed to trust a ragtag team of idiots, when I couldn't even trust the people that were closest to me.
Church disappears
CAROLINA:That's what I thought.
Cut to the rest of them
GRIF:Huhh. I never thought I'd say this, but I can't sleep.
Ancient Alien Temples / Present Day
SIMMONS:Yes, we know. You've been shoveling food into your mouth for an hour.
TUCKER:Yeah, what's up with that?
GRIF:It's a nervous habit, okay?
TUCKER:No, where the fuck does someone find potato chips in the middle of the desert?
SARGE:Ah, quit yer complainin'. Carolina's probably miles away by now. The only thing we've got to worry about are sand fleas. And that, other trained operative on patrol outside.
TUCKER:Wow. You have a way with words that just immediately makes me want to kill myself.
SARGE:Look, it's like your little fairy friend said-
TUCKER:I thought Donut was your friend?
SIMMONS:He means Church.
SARGE:All we've got to do is stick together, and everything will be just fine.
GRIF:Well, somebody probably should have told Caboose that. 'Cause he's gone.
Cut back to Carolina, looking down at a lighter. Church re-appears, talking slightly disjointed like he's phasing in and out (which, really, he is)
CHURCH:Carolina?
CAROLINA:I'm done talking to you.
CHURCH:Carolina, I think I found something you might wanna see.
CAROLINA:Really; what might that be.
Delta appears in Church's place
DELTA:A memory.
CAROLINA:Delta?
DELTA:We must be brief. Epsilon is struggling to remember.
CAROLINA:Remember what?
Delta disappears
CAROLINA:Delta? Delta please, don't-
A projection of York appears in front of her
YORK:Good evening, beautiful people. It's a lovely Monday night and I'm here with another adrenaline pumping journal entry, courtesy of our good friend Delta.
CAROLINA:It can't be.
DELTA:York, please, documentation is an important part of-
YORK:Yeah yeah. Jiminy Christmas, forgive me for trying to lighten the mood. So today I intercepted some interesting messages from our good friends over at Project Freelancer. It sounds like someone is causing them a bit of trouble. Old news I know, old news. But here's the interesting part: D give me a drumroll please.
DELTA:I would prefer not to.
YORK:They said "she;" she as in a lady. Not Wyoming, not Maine, but a former female Freelancer has suddenly popped up on the PFL radar. And if you know me, then you know my money's on the gal in the greenish-blue, seafoam green, turquoi- whatever it is armor. 'Kay- well, at least, if I had any money.
York disappears, then quickly reappears
CAROLINA:Wait-
YORK:Still no I.D. on our female troublemaker. But given what I know about South's last location, fairly certain the odds are in my favour.
DELTA:Again, I must point out that from a statistical standpoint, the odds of Agent Carolina-
YORK:In other news, hurricane Delta continues to rain on my parade. So when I finally see her again, I think I've narrowed down my line to like two options, okay? Here the- here they are. One: "Hey there Carolina, if I said I like your armor, would you hold it against me?" Or two-
DELTA:York, please focus.
YORK:What? Pickup lines are important, D. Did I ever tell you about how we met? See I was out one night, with my buddies- they abandoned me, at some ridiculous nightclub I think was called-
CAROLINA:Errera.
YORK:-Errera. So I'm just sittin' there at the bar, bored out of my skull, an' I'm flickin' this lighter off and on, then from out of nowhere, she walks up 'n' she just grabs the lighter, right outta my hand and she goes-
York disappears, then reappears
YORK:Agent Foxtrot twelve, journal entry zero-four-two-four. Intercepted another transmission from Command today. They have confirmed that, Agent Texas, continues to evade their response teams. That she still does possess the Omega A.I. Nothing more to report.
DELTA:York.
YORK:You know D... I bet if I had opened up with a pickup line, I would've never seen her again.
DELTA:Why is that?
YORK:Because she probably would've busted my other eye.
DELTA:What would you have told her, York?
YORK:I would've told her, that I understand why she did what she did. I just wish she hadn't. I wish she could've learned to let things go. I guess I should too.
York disappears
CAROLINA:Why did you show me that?
CHURCH:Because, I know what it's like, to spend your life chasing ghosts.
Cut to Wash watching the sunrise
CABOOSE:Sneaking. Sneaking. Sneaking. Sneaking.
WASHINGTON:Hhhh. Hello Caboose.
CABOOSE:Hello Agent Washington.
WASHINGTON:Caboose, you know you're supposed to be in the temple with the rest of your squad.
CABOOSE:Um, yes, uh well, um but you see um, I am spying on you.
WASHINGTON:Huhh, and why, are you spying on me, Caboose?
CABOOSE:Well, yes um, since everyone is kind of scared of you and uh Carolina, we figured we should try and get as much information, on you guys as possible, so uh... where do you guys see yourselves in the next five to ten years?
WASHINGTON:Caboose, you realize that when you spy on someone, no-one's actually supposed to know that you're spying on them, right?
CABOOSE:Oh yeah I know, I just figured you wouldn't tell anyone.
WASHINGTON:Wait, what makes you think that?
CABOOSE:Oh come on Agent Washingt- I mean I- you know I'm pretty sure that we can trust you? I mean we are friends.
WASHINGTON:Friends...
Back to Carolina and Church
CAROLINA:I don't understand. These are more than memory.
CHURCH:His journal entries were part of the data that Wash recovered, and they stored them in his personnel file. Which just so happened to be one of the many folders that yours truly picked up, the last time I visited a Freelancer facility. Not bad for a ragtag idiot, if I do say so myself. Feel free to start begging for my forgiveness whenever you feel like it, Carolina.
CAROLINA:Not happening.
CHURCH:What, seriously?
CAROLINA:But, I will thank you.
CHURCH:Yeah, well... I'm pretty great.
CAROLINA:Church, the Director's still out there somewhere. And I need to find him. Not just for what he did to me, or for what he did to York, and to Wash, to Maine, the twins, to all of them. And for what he did to you, Church. I guess I forgot, that... in a way, you were there alongside us too.
CHURCH:You know, the more memories I sift through, the more that sounds like a pretty damn good plan.
CAROLINA:Find anything that could help us out?
CHURCH:Yeah it's a lot of stuff to remember all at once but, I might be able to pull up some of the Director's logs if you gave me some time.
CAROLINA:Well, you'll have plenty of time on our ride back.
CHURCH:About that, hey, is there any way we could get back to the others that doesn't involve me carrying you?
CAROLINA:Heh heh, wow Church. I didn't know an A.I. unit could get so easily embarrassed. Tell you what, just tell your friends that you "picked me up." How does that sound?
CHURCH:Remind me never to let you talk to Tucker again.
Cut to Carolina riding Church back to the rest of them in the desert
CAROLINA:Alright, pack it up people, we're moving.
GRIF:Where to now.
CAROLINA:There's an old ship that crashed at a Freelancer outpost a few years back.
WASHINGTON:Outpost 17-B?
SIMMONS:You mean we're going back to Valhalla?
SARGE:Back to our own base?
CHURCH:That's right assholes. You're finally going home. And you're taking us, with you.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 13: Greenish-Blue With Envy

Fade in to Valhalla, with the blue plasma things on each base firing into the sky. Because it's pretty. The vehicles pull up
Outpost 17-B: Valhalla / Present Day
WASHINGTON:Pelican's over there. That's where Tex ended up.
CAROLINA:You mean, her body, ended up there.
WASHINGTON:Right.
CAROLINA:Show me.
SIMMONS:Wait! What about the military? There's bound to be a trap, remember?
CAROLINA:What are you talking about?
SARGE:Wash told us we were fugitives of the law; bandits, cast out by society, with no hope of redemption.
SIMMONS:Yeah, and that the UNSC would be waiting for us when we got back to base.
CAROLINA:...
WASHINGTON:It was a possibility.
CAROLINA:So, let me get this straight...
TUCKER:Psst hey Church, over here!
Church appears and heads over to him and Caboose
CHURCH:Yeah hey, what- I can't talk too long, my connection with Carolina's memory unit's not so good. What's up?
TUCKER:Well, not much, my first time here so I'm just taking it all in, really enjoying the scenery, what about you?
CHURCH:Well, I mean yeah, you know. Now that you mention it, the trees are kinda nice, especially in comparison to the desolate environment of the sand, and the... ah- wait wait wait, uc- is that it?
TUCKER:No that's not it! What the fuck are you doing with Carolina?
CHURCH:Hey, calm down. Turns out she's more complicated than we thought.
CABOOSE:Like Monopoly. Or like the board game.
TUCKER:Church, just because you wanna get close to someone, doesn't mean you have to end up inside them.
CABOOSE:...
CHURCH:...Oh come on, aren't you gonna say it?
TUCKER:No because I'm pissed off.
CHURCH:Alright alright, look guys, I'm still on your side, okay? But if Carolina is hiding something, I'm gonna have to stay close to her in order to find it. See? Proximity is the key.
TUCKER:I thought memory was the key?
CABOOSE:Ohp- yeah, and the sword, sword is a key too.
TUCKER:Caboose shut up.
CHURCH:Uh-hey, I gotta go, we'll talk later.
Church disappears
CABOOSE:We should probably get a key ring.
Cut to the Reds and the Freelancers
SIMMONS:So are you guys gonna give us anything to do?
CAROLINA:Just sit tight. In fact, don't do anything. At all.
SIMMONS:Hh, fine.
GRIF:Now that's the kind of order I can get behind. Next do you think she'll tell us to sleep in tomorrow or order us to stop bathing for a week?
SIMMONS:Wait- what, you've done that?
GRIF:Nno? I wanna say no.
SARGE:We've been sittin' tight for days. If I sit any tighter I'll strangle my seat.
GRIF:I'm not worried, I could use a break.
SARGE:We haven't done anything.
GRIF:Exactly. Avoiding work is kind of what I do, so if you think about it, I've been on the clock this entire time. I should be getting paid overtime for this.
SIMMONS:You get paid overtime?
GRIF:Uh yeah? Time and a half over forty hours, dude. Time and a half and a half over sixty. It's a shame there aren't any numbers higher than sixty.
SIMMONS:What? Seriously?
GRIF:I've never gotten it though. One time I thought I did, but it turns out you have to do it in just one week. Could have sworn it was monthly.
SIMMONS:They told me I was ineligible for overtime. I put in sixty hours a week!
GRIF:Weird. Well tell me they at least match your 401k.
SARGE:Friends, benefits, I'm tired of all this waiting. Come on fellas, now's our chance!
SIMMONS:I don't know, you know how I feel about taking chances, Sir.
SARGE:You said Lopez was shot here. Let's go get him back. Leave no man behind, Simmons. No robot without his nuts. No Warthog unlubed.
SIMMONS:That doesn't make any sense.
SARGE:He's a robot, Simmons. We can rebuild him and activate him at any time. Give us an edge over those pesky Blues. In the battle of ghosts versus robots, robots always win. Except in anime.
SIMMONS:No. I mean it didn't make sense why we would do that. He's an awful soldier!
SARGE:But he's a great mechanic.
SIMMONS:Nothing's broken.
SARGE:Au contraire: Lopez is broken. You said so yourself. He could get to work on that.
SIMMONS:But- but we would have to fix him, in order for him to- you see he's the w- hh, hyou know what, j'st never mind.
SARGE:Ah ha. So you see the point.
SIMMONS:Yes. I see the point. It's just not the one you're making, Sir. Let's go.
GRIF:Yeah, eaugh, I think I'll stay here and take a siesta. Lopez would've wanted it that way.
SARGE:A siesta? I don't know if I'm angry that he's bucking responsibility, or happy that he took my multicultural squad seminar to heart. That was one of the best pep talks I've ever given. That's sayin' something.
SIMMONS:But Sir, I gave that seminar. You made me work on it for weeks. I even did the traditional Quinceañera dance!
SARGE:Huh. Couldn't've been that great. I don't even remember it. Let's go, Simmons.
CABOOSE:Hey they're all leaving. You know what I'm gonna go see our awesome new base. It's so much ...base-ier than the old one. I missed it so much!
TUCKER:...Hh. So much for sticking together.
Cut to Wyoming and Maine in the locker room, cleaning their guns
Freelancer Training Facility / Many Years Ago...
Carolina enters and throws her helmet
CAROLINA:Huh, dammit!
Wyoming gets up and goes for a walk, and Sigma appears
SIGMA:Did the training session go poorly, Agent Carolina?
CAROLINA:No, it went fine, just not good enough.
SIGMA:That is most unuusal for you.
CAROLINA:Why does she even have a locker in here if she doesn't use our locker room? And what is so special about her?
SIGMA:She does seem to get special treatment, doesn't she? Strange, considering she's not the best Freelancer.
Gamma appears over Carolina's other shoulder, like the old "Angel on one shoulder, Devil on the other" thing
GAMMA:It's probably because of Omega.
SIGMA:Now Gamma, we're not meant to speak about Omega. You know the rules.
CAROLINA:Well hello Gamma. Does Wyoming know you're talking to another A.I.?
GAMMA:I am not talking to another A.I. We are both talking to you.
CAROLINA:Who is Omega?
SIGMA:He is one of our brothers.
GAMMA:He is the strongest of us.
CAROLINA:And Agent Texas has him? She uses an A.I.?
SIGMA:Hmm, I don't think it's our place to say.
GAMMA:All the top Agents have an A.I.
SIGMA:Well, except you, Agent Carolina. You chose not to.
CAROLINA:That lying-! This all makes sense now. I have been an idiot. She's not better than me, it's all been Omega.
GAMMA:Omega's strength is unmatched. I don't know if anyone could beat him. At least, not alone.
SIGMA:Hm, no. Not alone. We are just fragments, after all. Pieces. Omega and Texas... are something else.
GAMMA:But if we work together...
SIGMA:Together. What an interesting concept, Gamma.
GAMMA:Together.
In the background, Maine grabs his head and growls under his breath
CAROLINA:You've just given me an idea.
SIGMA:I do hope you'll use it well, Agent Carolina. Ideas are some of our most potent weapons.
CAROLINA:Don't worry about me; I'll be fine.
SIGMA:Yes, I'm sure you will be.
Carolina leaves the locker room, and Wyoming walks up to the two A.I. and they vanish
Cut to the training room floor
COUNSELLOR:How do you feel?
TEX:I need to get back into the fight. These targets just aren't doing it for me.
In the background, Carolina has entered the room and the guard is telling her to leave
GUARD:You have to get out. You need to go. Nobody's allowed in.
COUNSELLOR:You'll be back in the field soon enough, Texas. For now, just focus on your training.
TEX:I'm tired of training. I need something, else.
GUARD:You have to go. Orders are orders, nobody's allowed in.
COUNSELLOR:Have you noticed a change in your aggression, Agent Texas?
GUARD:I'm not allowed in. You're gonna have to-
TEX:I don't see how that-
Carolina knocks the guard down and he slides across the floor to their feet. She approaches
DIRECTOR:Carolina. What are you doin' here?
GUARD:Euh, what hit me...
DIRECTOR:The training room is off limits when we-
CAROLINA:When you're with your pet? Yes, I know. I don't care. I need to talk to you.
The guard gets up and walks off
GUARD:You can stay.
TEX:Pet! You know Counsellor, I think I am noticing a change in my aggression levels.
COUNSELLOR:Everyone please just remain calm. Carolina, you can use the training room when you are next assigned.
CAROLINA:I want an A.I.
DIRECTOR:An A.I.? What has caused this sudden change of heart.
CAROLINA:It doesn't matter. I'm still at the top of the leaderboard.
TEX:Not the top of the leaderboard.
CAROLINA:And you can keep your comments to yourself. I know all about your little secret; what you really are. The next A.I. that comes up is mine.
TEX:Fill me in, Carolina; what exactly is my secret?
DIRECTOR:Both of you, stand down. Alright Carolina, if you want an A.I. then you will have an A.I. In fact, you can choose: Agents Washington and South Dakota are both due for implantation today. We have two A.I., Eta and Iota, ready for field testing. Which one o' your teammates do you think you should delay? I'll leave that up to you.
COUNSELLOR:Director-
DIRECTOR:No! If she thinks our decisions are so easy, then let her make one. What's it going to be, Carolina?
CAROLINA:And whatever I choose you will do?
DIRECTOR:That's right.
CAROLINA:Then I want them both.
COUNSELLOR:Excuse me?
DIRECTOR:Carolina, you cannot have them both.
CAROLINA:Yes I can. These suits, wherever they came from, are designed to handle a full A.I., and as you are so fond of telling us, these are not full A.I. They are just fragments, and from what I can tell the newer ones are getting weaker all the time. So I want them both. Or I'm sorry, is that decision too tough for you?
DIRECTOR:Counsellor, move Agents Washington and South Dakota back in the schedule, and prepare Agent Carolina for surgery.
COUNSELLOR:I think if we let cooler heads prevail, we will-
DIRECTOR:If you wanted to deal with cooler heads, Counsellor, perhaps you should have joined the Coast Guard. Prep her for surgery.
CAROLINA:You won't regret this.
DIRECTOR:No Agent Carolina, I very much doubt that I will.
The Counsellor and Director leave, and Tex shoulders past Carolina then turns around
TEX:Hey, that was gutsy. Hope it works out for you.
CAROLINA:When it does, you'll be the first to know.
TEX:I look forward to it.
Tex looks up at the observation room and sees Maine and Sigma, then leaves


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 14: New and Improved

Fade in to the Project Freelancer locker room, in the past
Mother Of Invention Locker Room / Many Years Ago...
I just said that. Jerk
SOUTH:What? This is bullshit!
NORTH:South, calm down.
SOUTH:Calm down, that's easy for you to say, you already have an A.I. Who the fuck is she to take away our place?
WASHINGTON:A- our turn will come. They've already put me back on the list for-
SOUTH:What?
She kicks over a bench
YORK:You ever notice every time you open your mouth you make things worse?
WASHINGTON:Sorry.
SOUTH:And two A.I.? Why is she so special, what's so special about either of them?
She punches Tex's locker, and the door opens and the nameplate falls to the ground
TEX:Pick it, up.
YORK:What're you doing in here, you never come in here.
TEX:I've come for Carolina. Pick it up.
South tries to hesitate, then relents and picks up the half of Tex's nameplate that says TEX and walks out
NORTH:I- I should probably uh... I better go.
TEX:Where is she?
YORK:Look, Texas, I don't know if you're looking for a fight, or whatever it is you want, but now's really not the time. Carolina just went into surgery. We don't know when she'll be out so we're heading over to Recovery to wait for her.
WASHINGTON:Yeah. Recovery One.
YORK:Maybe you should come with us. ... Let's go. You coming Texas?
TEX:Yeah. Go on York. I'm right behind ya.
Tex lingers holding a dogtag on a chain, then pockets it and closes her locker
Cut to Valhalla
Outpost 17-B: Valhalla / Present Day
TUCKER:This is the awesome new base? Looks the same as the shitty old base to me.
CABOOSE:Oh you are gonna love it here! You know it's like our home away from home, that we can't ever get away from.
TUCKER:So let me get this straight. It's just two bases, in the middle of a box canyon.
CABOOSE:Yes, but at one side, instead of a wall, there's an endless supply of water.
TUCKER:Wow, you guys really know how to upgrade. Let me guess, I bet this time, we've got a tank with eight pedals instead of six.
CABOOSE:Ah don't be silly. We don't have a tank.
Cut to the Freelancers at the Pelican
CAROLINA:Alright, what've you got?
WASHINGTON:Not much, a few, shell casings, a dogtag-
CAROLINA:I was talking to Church.
WASHINGTON:Oh; sorry, I-
CHURCH:Hey what's up. Somebody call me?
CAROLINA:Yeah. Find anything yet?
CHURCH:Oh, not yet, but the uh, onboard computer program's an old friend of mine. She's doing her best to help me out.
CAROLINA:Good. Keep it up.
Church disappears back into the Pelican
CAROLINA:Wash is there a reason you're just standing there doing nothing? Get back, to it.
WASHINGTON:Uhm, right. Yes Sir, boss.
CAROLINA:You can't keep your secrets forever Texas. Not from me. Never from me.
Cut back to the past, with Carolina in for surgery, awake
Mother Of Invention Medical Lab / Many Years Ago...
Carolina receives her implant, and we cut to Wash and York entering the Recovery room
WASHINGTON:So, how's the patient?
WYOMING:She'll be coming around any moment.
York indicates Maine in the background
YORK:What's he in for?
WASHINGTON:Probably for all the headaches he's been having. Did you ever get them after you earned Delta?
YORK:At first. They went away pretty quick though. The other side effects were way worse.
WASHINGTON:What other side effects?
YORK:You know: bleeding from the eyes, ringing ears... inverted penis.
WASHINGTON:Inverted what?
YORK:Dgh- I'm just fucking with you, 'kay? Couple headaches, that's it.
WASHINGTON:So what's different about Maine then?
YORK:Hey, she's awake. How you feelin' Champ?
Carolina comes to, and sits up in bed
CAROLINA:I want a match. Right, now.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 15: Three's A Crowd

Fade in to the training room
Freelancer Training Facility / Many Years Ago...
FILSS:A new challenger has arrived. Today's matchup is Agent Texas versus Agent Carolina.
York approaches the armament table with Carolina
YORK:Okay, just pick a piece of equipment you know how to use already. ...orr, just grab everything and anything, that works too I guess.
The other Freelancers are watching from the observation room, as well as Sigma
Omega appears over Tex's shoulder
TEX:Hey, I got this one Omega.
OMEGA:Wuh, next time.
Omega vanishes
FILSS:Agent York, please clear the floor.
YORK:In a second FILSS. Now, at first the voice of the A.I.- sorry, A.I.s - it'll feel like a tickle, okay? Just focus on that, and it'll get clear. Trust them. I know that'll be hard, but I promise they'll help.
FILSS:Agent York, clear the floor, please.
YORK:In a second FILSS.
FILSS:Clear the floor, or enter the match, York. Your choice.
YORK:For the record, I would stay to support you, but she's really damn scary.
CAROLINA:...
YORK:Okay, maybe you're both pretty scary. Gotta go.
Eta and Iota appear near Carolina and split, as York walks away, then they merge back together and vanish
NORTH:Anyone wanna bet that one of them gets killed?
WASHINGTON:Are you kidding? I'm hoping one of us doesn't get killed just by watching!
FILSS:Round begins in three, two, one, begin. Good luck ladies.
TEX AND  CAROLINA:Thanks. I won't need it.
As Tex and Carolina start running at each other, the Director enters the observation booth
DIRECTOR:What the hell is going on here? No matches have been authorized for- No, Allison!
THE A.I.S:Allison.
The Director bangs on the glass, and as Tex and Carolina reach each other, Carolina collapses and grabs her head
THE A.I.S:Allison... Allison...
Everyone else with an A.I. kneels in pain and removes their helmet, except Maine who is unable
Cut to the Sarcophagus, and the two guards by it backing away from the terrible sounds it's making
Carolina struggles to pull her helmet off, and finally succeeds
CAROLINA:Nnnghah! Aaah! Make them stop! Make them stop, the voices- make the voices stop!
The Director remains stoically in the observation room
COUNSELLOR:Director, we should sedate Carolina. Immediately. We've no idea how much damage two A.I. could-
DIRECTOR:No, she made her decision let her be.
YORK:Come on, somebody help her.
CAROLINA:Aaaah!
TEX:What the fuck is going on? Somebody get down here.
DIRECTOR:You, are all, dismissed.
Tex walks to and kneels over Carolina
CAROLINA:Nuhg- Nuhuuh, nuh, nnuh-
OMEGA:Yes. End her. Do it. Mean it. Mean it- do it. Do it do it. Come on.
TEX:Sorry kid, this is for your own good.
Tex punches Carolina in the face
Cut to Valhalla
CAROLINA:Nothing. Nothing, a dead end. Dammit, not again!
She punches the Pelican, and Church appears
CHURCH:Hey watch it, I'm still in here.
Outpost 17-B: Valhalla / Present Day
WASHINGTON:Response teams beat us to the crash, plain and simple. We knew the chances of finding something here were slim.
CHURCH:Okay, well, what about the bases?
WASHINGTON:Blue Base was swept clean; as for Red Base, any evidence that might have been there was completely destroyed during the construction of some kind of giant holographic projection room.
CHURCH:Mahn. Those guys are really starting to find creative ways to ruin my life. ...Mother fuckers.
CAROLINA:This is our third, wild goose chase Wash. Even after she's gone, Texas is still finding ways to screw me over.
WASHINGTON:You can't blame her for this. Time isn't on our side, Carolina. Any trail she left behind likely went cold years ago.
CAROLINA:Are you suggesting we give up?
WASHINGTON:Of course not. I was just-
CAROLINA:Good. Then go spread the word: we're leaving.
WASHINGTON:But... we just got here.
CAROLINA:What's your point?
WASHINGTON:Well don't you think we're pushing these guys a little too hard? This place is pretty much home to them. They may not be ready to leave it so soon.
CHURCH:Heyeah, I'm really choked up about it.
CAROLINA:Despite what those idiots may think, this is not a road trip. This is a mission. And I will see it, completed. Is that understood, Agent Washington?
WASHINGTON:... Yes, boss.
CHURCH:Heh, what the hell happened to that guy? Didn't he used to be a badass, like you and Tex?
Carolina crouches down and does something, and Church flickers off
CHURCH:Ow! I meant badass j-uh, just like you. Just like just you. Only you. Only- nobody else.
Sarge and Simmons come upon Lopez, done up in a garden like a scarecrow, next to a small shack, with peppy music playing
SARGE:There he is! Spanish Inquisition, someone's been torturing him!
SIMMONS:Huh, I don't think so Sir. It kinda looks like a scarecrow.
SARGE:Savages. And they've erected this fence as a warning, for civilized people to stay away.
SIMMONS:It actually looks like a garden. Wait a minute, is that compost? Sustainable farming? Environmentally friendly housing? Oh no.
SARGE:What?
DONUT:Oh, hey guys! I thought I heard voices.
SARGE:Donut?
DONUT:Hi Sarge! Long time no see!
SIMMONS:I thought you were dead?
SARGE:You know, we sure seem to say that a lot these days.
DONUT:I almost was. That jerk Washington shot me in the stomach, but then my armor locked up on me. Kept me alive for a while until it unlocked again for some reason. It was horrible. Do you know what removes blood stains from this armor? Not a lot I tell you. I lay there forever wondering how I was gonna get all that dark red, out of this light red. You know?
SIMMONS:How did you survive? When your armor unlocked you would have just bled to death.
SARGE:And when did you get all new agey?
SIMMONS:Uh oh.
SARGE:What?
SIMMONS:Sarge, think about it. Medical attention? Fringe holistic lifestyle choices? You know what that means.
DOC:Wow, look what the cat dragged in. And by dragged in I mean spit out like a hairball, hey guys!
SARGE:Simmons, is that Doc behind us?
SIMMONS:I think so.
SARGE:Simmons, get my gun.
SIMMONS:You're holding it Sir.
SARGE:Oh. Right. Simmons, I'm gonna need you to commence Operation Point My Gun At Doc.
SIMMONS:But Sir, Operation Point My Gun At Doc is just a code phrase for Operation Point My Gun At Grif.
SARGE:Drat! Fine. Switch to Operation Point My Gun At Grif!
SIMMONS:Yeah actually, Sir that one was just, what it sounds like. Sorry.
SARGE:Double drat!


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 16: Happy Birthday

Cut to Grif exiting the Red Base on Valhalla
Outpost 17-B: Valhalla / Present Day
CAROLINA:Hey you, orange one. Where's the rest of your team?
GRIF:How should I know?
CAROLINA:You don't report in to each other?
GRIF:Oh yeah, I mean, I get reports.
CAROLINA:You might be the worst soldiers I've ever met.
GRIF:Hey, I take offense at that. What do you mean might be?
CAROLINA:Here they come. Let's move out.
GRIF:Hey guys, d'you find Lopez?
SIMMONS:Yeah. Donut nailed him to a board. He's staying here.
GRIF:I thought Donut was dead.
SARGE:Yeah, we really need to stop saying that.
SIMMONS:He almost was, but Doc fixed him up and now they live together. They say "hi" by the way. Oh, and they baked us this banana bread.
GRIF:How nice! I'm gonna have to forget to send them a thank-you card. Hey, Simmons? When you say Donut nailed Lopez to a board...
SIMMONS:I mean with nails.
GRIF:Okay. Had to ask.
SIMMONS:No no, I understand, I- I should have been clearer. That's my fault.
Cut to Caboose and Tucker walking up to Carolina
TUCKER:Hey what's the deal, we're leaving already?
CAROLINA:That's right. You got a problem with that?
CHURCH:Uh, Carolina, why don't you let me handle this.
Cut to Church talking with Caboose and Tucker
CHURCH:Tucker, what do you want?
TUCKER:I wanna know what you found out about Carolina. Is she evil? Is she crazy? Is she crazy evil?
CABOOSE:Is she pretty?
TUCKER:Ooh yeah, is she hot? Ohohoh, or is he a dude?
CHURCH:Guys, I've got more important things to do right now.
TUCKER:What are you talking about, you're supposed to be spying on her. She's the enemy, remember? Us against them!
CHURCH:Hey, you don't know anything about her, Tucker. You have no idea what she's been through.
TUCKER:Since when did-
CHURCH:Look, will you guys get in the fucking car so we can leave already? Thank you.
Church disappears from them, and reappears with Carolina
CAROLINA:What was that about?
CHURCH:Nothing. I need to talk to you.
Cut to the Recovery bay at Freelancer Command, and Tex approaching North
Medical Observatory / Many Years Ago...
TEX:How's she doin'?
NORTH:No idea. Docs thought she would have woken up by now. She's still under.
TEX:How long has he been there?
Oh, she's talking about York who's at Carolina's bedside
NORTH:He hasn't left her side yet.
TEX:It's been days.
NORTH:And he's dedicated.
TEX:You know, your sister petitioned to get one of Carolina's A.I.s.
NORTH:She didn't...
TEX:Sure did.
NORTH:I'll talk to her. That's inappropriate.
TEX:Yeah, inappropriate's a word. So is vulture. Piece of advice, one soldier to another: you watch her.
NORTH:Something's different with you.
TEX:You have an A.I., right?
NORTH:Theta, yeah.
TEX:Takes some getting used to?
NORTH:I'll say.
TEX:Well, let's just say mine took a little longer than most. I'm not sure I wanna depend on him.
NORTH:You've been uh, pulling him?
TEX:Haven't used him in days.
NORTH:Does the Director know?
TEX:No, and he's not going to. No-one needs to know.
NORTH:They have to stop implanting now; I mean after this.
TEX:Wash is up for surgery next.
NORTH:You're kidding me.
TEX:Eh, time marches on; so does Project Freelancer.
NORTH:Yeah. Lately it seems like we're getting trampled in the process.
TEX:Hey call me when she wakes up. Or, if she doesn't.
NORTH:Will do.
Theta appears with a fireworks flourish
THETA:I think I'm starting to like her. At least better than I did before.
NORTH:Yeah, she grows on you.
THETA:Still scary though.
NORTH:Oh yeah. Plenty scary.
Cut to a kind of surreal room, all pale and glowy
COUNSELLOR:Are you there, Alpha? Are you there?
ALPHA:Yes, I-I'm here, I'm here. Hello? Don't lea- hey Counsellor, are you there?
COUNSELLOR:I am here.
Actually it's just Alpha; the Counsellor is in voiceover
ALPHA:What... what happened? Is everybody okay?
COUNSELLOR:Perhaps you should ask the Director.
ALPHA:Why? Does- does that mean something happened?
DIRECTOR:Hello Alpha.
ALPHA:Director. Please, what is going on?
DIRECTOR:There was another incident. Security failed.
ALPHA:I gave you the schematics, they're just- they're too complex, I just need more time to work on them.
DIRECTOR:It's not your fault.
ALPHA:How can you say that, of course it is! Was anybody hurt?
DIRECTOR:I am sorry. Yes. Washington and another, died.
ALPHA:Uhg, who?
DIRECTOR:I can't say.
ALPHA:Who? Who died?
DIRECTOR:Agent Texas.
ALPHA:No! Oah- oh my God, no!
The screen shakes, and we cut to the Counsellor and the Director watching what we were just watching on a monitor
ALPHA:Oh- no, no! God, no!
DIRECTOR:That's too far, Gamma.
SIGMA:We need stronger stimulus. He'll break.
On the screen, Alpha flashes
COUNSELLOR:He's ready. Bring in the stasis unit.
DIRECTOR:You three, log off.
Oh yeah, Omega's there too
SIGMA:Director, I would like to see this part of the process.
DIRECTOR:You can't get near the artifact, it's too dangerous. Your job is done. Log off.
SIGMA:As you wish.
The three A.I. disappear, but Sigma goes into the video camera rather than leaving
DIRECTOR:Get us another memory unit. A new one. Don't let it touch anything else.
The Sarcophagus is wheeled in and opened, and a multi-tentacled being emerges from it
COUNSELLOR:Move all other equipment away from it.
DIRECTOR:That's right it's broken. We broke it, and we need you to fix it, just like you've done before. Here take this. Use this to fix it. Make it better; take away all that we broke, that's right. Put them in here.
The being does its thing
COUNSELLOR:It is done.
The Director picks up the memory unit
DIRECTOR:Welcome to the world, Epsilon. Today, is your birthday.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 17: Remember Me How I Was

Fade in to Grif and Simmons standing on the base
GRIF:Hey, Simmons?
SIMMONS:Yeah.
GRIF:You ever wonder why we're here?
SIMMONS:You mean metaphysically?
GRIF:No, I mean why are we going through all this trouble just to find one guy?
SIMMONS:I don't know, he's evil or something?
Outpost 17-B: Valhalla / Present Day
GRIF:Yeah, but so what, I don't have a problem with him.
SIMMONS:Yeah, but he's the one that started all this, you know? He's the reason that we have to deal with the Freelancers, and the A.I.s and the Meta. I mean when you think about it, he's the reason why we're here.
SARGE:Yep. He's a real dirtbag, alright. But, even if he's six feet under, we'll still be in the same damn spot.
SIMMONS:Uh... Sir?
SARGE:All I'm saying is we made it back to base in one piece, and even found the rest of our team. So do you boys really think running off again will make things any better? 'Cause the way I see it, leavin' this place, is only gonna make things worse.
GRIF:Hm. I guess you have a point Sarge.
Wash, having heard that, walks off
SARGE:Shut up Grif.
Cut to Carolina walking
CAROLINA:Church can't this wait?
CHURCH:No, it can't. Carolina, the guys are terrified of you.
CAROLINA:What's your point?
CHURCH:My point is that they think you're a killer psychopath, and you can't be trusted. But I know they're wrong; I know why you're doing all of this. And I know you're not really crazy.
CAROLINA:Gee, thanks Church. You certainly know how to make a girl feel special.
CHURCH:What I don't know is what happened between you and Tex.
CAROLINA:I don't want to-
CHURCH:You mentioned her name back on the island.
CAROLINA:What does Tex have to do with anything?
CHURCH:Well a lot, apparently, because every time I bring her up you act like you're gonna put your fist through something. And then s-aw you do sometimes.
CAROLINA:That's ridiculous, I don't-
CHURCH:Look, I understand you're angry, I'm angry too. The Director's a fucking dickhead, and we're gonna make him pay. But Tex was your friend, right?
CAROLINA:Heh huh, my friend? Who the hell, gave you that idea?
CHURCH:Hh well, she did. Look, she was a total bitch, trust me; I know. But, she told me once she would have given anything to save you. I don't know what she meant exactly but, if you really wanna take down the Director, you gotta pull yourself together. You kno- you, you gotta let it go.
CAROLINA:You say that, like I'm sad she's gone, but I'm not. I hated her. I couldn't compete.
CHURCH:That doesn't matter any more.
CAROLINA:But even she couldn't find the Director. Agent Texas, "the best of the best." How the hell am I supposed to do what she couldn't?
CHURCH:Carolina, if she was really the best, then she would be standing here right now. Not you. Let it go. ...What is that?
CAROLINA:They're her dogtags. Wash found 'em in the crash.
CHURCH:Tex didn't wear dogtags.
Carolina scrubs the dogtags clean of dirt and a USB-like connector pops up and she sees what they say: AGENT CONNECTICUT / 00572 84952-RT / BLOOD TYPE: O NEG
CAROLINA:Connie?
CHURCH:It looks like some kinda data unit.
CAROLINA:Can you tell me what's on it?
CHURCH:Only one way to find out. And hey, if I'm not out, in like three months? Don't bother coming and looking for me. Just, move on with your lives. Okay I'm- I'm gonna go now.
Cut to Tex walking into the Freelancer Classroom with CT's dogtag storage unit
Freelancer Classroom / Many Years Ago...
Tex plays a video from the unit of Connie out of her armor
C.T.:Agent Texas. Allison. If you're reading this then that means I escaped. Or, well at the very least, I'm probably not around any more.
Cut to Wash's POV in the surgery theater
COUNSELLOR:He is ready.
DOCTOR:Hand me the Epsilon unit please.
Back to Tex and Connie
C.T.:I want to leave behind all the data I've been collecting about Project Freelancer. I never could shake the feeling that something was wrong with the program. The secrets, the lies, the manipulation; smoke, all of it, obscuring a big damn fire. I did some digging, and now I know what the Director's been hiding. What he did.
DOCTOR:Sir, Agent Washington is prepped for Epsilon A.I.
C.T.:He broke the law, Allison. The one law they don't just slap you on the wrist for. I'm taking the originals with me as an insurance policy. I leave this copy for you not because you are the best soldier in the squad, but because I know that I can trust you the most. After reading these files you will understand why. Good luck. Your friend, Connie.
The video ends, and Tex brings up the file folders: AI EXPERIMENTATION / MISSION LOGS / PERSONNEL FILES / FINANCIALS / VIDEO SURVEILLANCE
She enters AI EXPERIMENTATION and pans past the file on Alpha, to an encrypted password-protected file on Beta. She continues through the AI to find entries on (AI: Emotional Core) Omega: Rage/Anger, Gamma: Deceit, Delta: Logic, Theta: Trust, Sigma: Ambition/Creativity
She continues through the unassigned emotional cores: Happiness, Love, Greed, Fear, Memory
After AI implantation, Wash sees a woman's face talking to him
WOMAN:Stop it, put that thing down.
WASHINGTON:Aaaah!
DOCTOR:Agent Washington's vitals are spiking.
Wash continues screaming as he sees the woman's face
WOMAN:Leonard come on, stop it.
Tex scrolls back to the file on Beta, and we go back to Wash freaking out from his POV
DIRECTOR:Secure him! Get him under control!
Wash falls face down on the ground, still seeing the woman
WOMAN:You're gonna make me late.
Tex enters the password ALLISON and the file opens, revealing the woman Wash is seeing - Allison, Agent Texas - as the A.I. Beta. Emotional Core: FULL AI, SPONTANEOUS (SEE JOURNAL)
ALLISON:I have to go.
Tex looks meaningfully at the computer screen, and we cut back to Wash
ALLISON:But don't say goodbye. I hate goodbyes.
Wash is finally gotten back on a gurney and wheeled out
DIRECTOR:Get him to Recovery.
DOCTOR:Yes Sir.
DIRECTOR:Counsellor, I'd like to speak with him as soon as he wakes up.
COUNSELLOR:Of course, Sir. What was that he said about goodbyes... Director? Director?
Tex balls up a fist at the computer, and we cut back to Carolina in the present
CHURCH:Carolina? I know where to find the Director.
CAROLINA:What? How?
CHURCH:I just remembered.
Church disappears, and then reappears full-size on his own
CHURCH:Everything.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 18: Change of Plans

CHAIRMAN:Dear Director.
Fade in to Maine in the locker room
Mother Of Invention Locker Room / Many Years Ago...
CHAIRMAN:Your request for more bases in which to conduct your experiments was reviewed, with much reservation by our Chairperson. Project Freelancer has been entrusted with one of our military's most valuable assets.
With a tattoo of the Meta symbol on the back of his head, Maine is loading up and basically doing badass things in the locker room
CHAIRMAN:Oversight becomes a much more difficult process, if your operations are not centralized. Nonetheless, we have granted your request. However, we reserve the right to revoke this approval as we see fit.
The fire from Sigma's avatar is extensively present in Maine's armor
CHAIRMAN:I sincerely hope this does not happen, and anticipate you will not give us an occasion to do so.
Cut to Wash's POV in Recovery
NORTH:There you are.
Wash moans a lot while he looks around... I'll leave that one in blocking so it doesn't look like he's having an orgasm.
NORTH:Slowly... slowly.
WASHINGTON:How long was I out?
NORTH:Only a few days this time.
WASHINGTON:This time?
NORTH:Hyeh, after they removed it.
WASHINGTON:Removed it? Mmm-
NORTH:It's gone. They're gonna remove all of them. They started with you.
SOUTH:Hyeah, thanks asshole. The whole process is on hold now.
WASHINGTON:What about Carolina:
Cut to Carolina on the bridge of the Mother of Invention, talking to the Chairman and Counsellor
CAROLINA:I'm not giving them up, just because he's made a recalculation. You owe me this.
DIRECTOR:Carolina you are acting like a child. This is not about you, this is about the project.
COUNSELLOR:You would be wise to listen to the Director. Agent Texas has already attempted to steal Wyoming's A.I. unit. If she were to come after you-
CAROLINA:Then she would get, more than she bargained for.
Back to the boys
NORTH:Carolina's had it, kinda rough. The Director's considering sending her to hunt down Texas.
WASHINGTON:Hunt her down?
SOUTH:She went rogue. Broke out of the facility in order to save her precious A.I. Little later we found Wyoming. Apparently she tried to steal his A.I. unit. Tried to get his equipment too.
NORTH:That hasn't been proven. Besides, that doesn't sound like her.
SOUTH:How would you know?
NORTH:Just trust me, I know, and believe me, if she had done it, there wouldn't have been anything left of Wyoming to find.
SOUTH:She's not a fucking monster, North.
WASHINGTON:You guys are giving me a headache.
NORTH:Once they find Texas, they'll bring her back.
Alarms sound overhead
FILSS:Intruder alert. Intruder alert. Breach in Security. Level Zero.
NORTH:Or, she'll come back on her own.
Cut to Texas and York breaking in
TEX:Great job York.
YORK:I swear this never happens to me.
TEX:I'm sure you say that to all the ladies.
YORK:Seriously, I'm way better at this than it seems.
TEX:Look, we don't have much time.
Texas moves York out of the way and punches the lock, denting it back and opening the door
TEX:I need you to find a way to distract them for me. Be careful.
YORK:Gotcha. What about you?
TEX:There's someone I need to see.
Cut to the present day, with everyone in the holo-room
Cuarto Mucho Secreto Holográfico / Present Day
TUCKER:Let me get this straight: you guys built an enormous room, capable of creating realistic holographic simulations, but you couldn't figure out how to walk across the canyon, to capture our flag.
GRIF:Actually Lopez built it.
TUCKER:Okay, now that I believe.
SIMMONS:And, if you recall, we did manage to capture your flag? So you know, suck it Blue.
CABOOSE:Oh yeah, well our team has most kills.
SARGE:Teamkills don't count, bluetard.
CABOOSE:You don't make the rules.
WASHINGTON:Technically Project Freelancer makes the rules. And I say, Blue Team gets to add my kill count to theirs.
GRIF:Lame.
CAROLINA:Listen up: we've got big news.
CABOOSE:Hhu- you and Wash are taking your relationship to the next level. I knew it. The writing was all over the wall.
CHURCH:No. We found the Director.
In the holographic chamber, Church goes from translucent to opaque
CABOOSE:Church! You're big again! What has she been feeding you?
WASHINGTON:You know where the Director is hiding?
CAROLINA:That's right.
CHURCH:He's holed up in one of his off-site storage facilities. Similar to the ones we've seen before.
CAROLINA:But we have no idea what kind of modifications the Director may have made to the compound over the last few years.
CHURCH:Or, if he has any sort of security with him.
CAROLINA:Essentially, we need to be ready for anything. So, let's go over the plan.
TUCKER:What plan?
CHURCH:The plan to take down the Director.
GRIF:Uh, I thought the plan was we help you find the Director.
SIMMONS:Yeah, and now we found him. Good job everyone, way to hustle out there.
CAROLINA:The plan's changed.
WASHINGTON:So then, what exactly is the plan?
CAROLINA:Infiltrate the facility, and neutralize all hostiles.
GRIF:Right. What's our plan though?
CAROLINA:That is your plan. I'm counting on all of you.
GRIF:But you said we were the worst soldiers you've ever met. And you were right; you're very perceptive.
CAROLINA:Look, I just need enough time to make it to the Director.
WASHINGTON:So then we're just the distraction.
CAROLINA:No, Wash, you're on lock duty, I need you with me.
CABOOSE:Uhm, we have to fight all the bad guys by ourselves.
TUCKER:Fuck that.
WASHINGTON:Yeah, Carolina maybe I should stick with the others-
CAROLINA:Leave personnel decisions to me, Agent Washington.
CHURCH:Look will you guys quit complaining, and do something for once?
SARGE:Son are you forgetting we saved your sorry ghost ass from the military?
SIMMONS:Yeah, we almost died trying to find you.
CHURCH:Oh, boo hoo. Why don't you come back when you're on your second or third life. Then we'll compare notes.
GRIF:Wow. Fuck off, Blue.
Grif starts walking away
CAROLINA:Where do you think you're going?
GRIF:I'm goin' home.
CHURCH:Oh that's great Grif. You know, we could always count on you to duck out when there's work to do.
SARGE:Well you can count me out too.
CAROLINA:What?
SARGE:Don't get me wrong: bustin' into a military base on a rescue mission's a lot of fun. But I'm not gettin' turned into swiss cheese, just so the two of you can finish some personal vendetta. This ain't, our fight.
SIMMONS:Took the words right out of my mouth, Sir.
CAROLINA:Both of you, be quiet.
TUCKER:Dude, this is bullshit.
CHURCH:Tucker.
CAROLINA:Be, quiet. That's an order.
TUCKER:Well guess what psycho, I don't take orders from you any more.
CAROLINA:Well, what about now?
Carolina points her gun at Tucker, and Wash points his gun at Carolina's head
WASHINGTON:Don't, do that.
CAROLINA:Wash, what are you doing?
WASHINGTON:Protecting my friends. Now lower the weapon.
CAROLINA:You're siding with them?
CHURCH:Wash, I don't understand. We found the Director. We can make him pay. This is what we wanted.
WASHINGTON:All I want is for you to leave. I've already been responsible for enough of their problems, in the past, and I'll be damned before I let you cause any more.
Wash walks over with everyone else
CHURCH:So that's it, you're just gonna turn your back on us.
WASHINGTON:Epsilon, I know that it-
CHURCH:No, no, you're right. You know, I guess I should've seen that one coming. It's not exactly like you're, new to the concept, is it?
SARGE:That's a little harsh.
CHURCH:But you guys? After all the shit you've put me through? I really thought at least you would have my back.
GRIF:Us, what the hell did we do?
As Church responds, he grows to immense size and turns red
CHURCH:You shot me in the head, you put a bomb in my gut, you killed me with my own damn tank, and that's just how we met!
TUCKER:Church calm down, what's your problem?
CHURCH:You're my problem! You've always been my problem! Each and every one of you, is just a problem, that I have to deal with, on a daily basis!
Tucker walks away
CHURCH:Guys...
Church starts shrinking, and Sarge gives the Reds a head nod and then walks away too
CHURCH:Guys, u- wait a minute.
The Reds have followed Sarge, and there's just Wash and Caboose
CHURCH:Caboose...
Caboose pulls back and walks away
CAROLINA:Forget it Church. We don't need them.
WASHINGTON:I don't know what's gotten into you Carolina, but you'd better figure out the difference between your enemies, and your friends.
Wash walks off


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 19: Party Crasher

Fade in to Carolina, the Director, and the Counsellor on the Bridge of the Mother of Invention
Mother of Invention Bridge / Many Years Ago...
FILSS:Intruder Alert. Intruder Alert. Breach in Security. Level Zero.
CAROLINA:It's the Resistance.
DIRECTOR:No, it's Agent Texas. And her damn partner in crime.
COUNSELLOR:We should get back to the lab. Director, we must follow protocol.
DIRECTOR:Carolina, look at me. You know what needs to be done.
CAROLINA:I do.
DIRECTOR:Then do it.
Cut to a room on the Mother of Invention, and Tex beating people up using spike grenades as melee weapons
After Tex beats the guards and the door opens, South walks in with a giant cannon in her hands
SOUTH:You think you're so fucking tough, don't you Texas. Well let me ask you something: who's the monster now, bitch?
TEX:Aw, shit.
South fires the gun at Tex, and we cut to Wyoming and a couple soldiers walking the halls, into the locker room
SOLDIER 1:Dude, we get to fight with Wyoming.
SOLDIER 2:Awesome!
WYOMING:Just clear the room, lads.
SOLDIER 1:All clear.
SOLDIER 2:All clear Sir!
WYOMING:S-hah, it's like idiots in stereo.
SOLDIER 1:Hehah, nice zinger Sir.
SOLDIER 2:Kiss ass.
SOLDIER 1:Shut up.
WYOMING:Look over there. Now where are you hiding. Knock knock mate.
A ceiling panel tilts down
SOLDIER 1:Hey, who's there?
York drops down and kicks the soldier's legs out, then kicks him aside and a fight begins
SOLDIER 1:It's York!
YORK:Knock, knock.
WYOMING:Ah yes, let's play. Who's there?
York slams open a locker into Wyoming's head, then sees the pin-ups inside the locker
YORK:It's York! (Hello.)
WYOMING:Who's there!
YORK:I told you, it's York.
WYOMING:Heugh. It's York? Who?
York throws a locker at Wyoming's head from close range, just obliterating the fuck out of him, and then catches a pin-up
YORK:It's your catch asshole. (Talk about knock-knocks.)
Back to South and Tex, with South firing lots of missiles at Tex, then shooting several at once only to have North no-scope them out of the air with two sniper rifles
NORTH:Well hello, ladies. What seems to be the problem?
SOUTH:North you know what the problem is! This bitch, stabbed us in the back, and now it's time to return the favour. Whose side are you on, brother?
NORTH:Tex, take a walk; I need to have a little chat with my sister.
TEX:North, you sure?
NORTH:Go, this is a family matter.
Tex walks away, and the Dakotas start firing at each other. Tex runs to another room, where there's a tank for some reason, firing at her
TEX:Hey York, I could use that distraction right about now.
YORK:Read you loud and clear, Tex. One distraction, coming right up.
TEX:York, make it a big one!
YORK:Hey, relax; it's me.
Cut to an exterior shot of the Mother of Invention firing several missiles at herself
CAROLINA:Dammit York.
Cut to the Director and Counsellor
DIRECTOR:What the hell is goin' on! Who is shooting at us?
COUNSELLOR:We are.
Cut to Tex and the tank
TEX:You call that big? Men.
Tex runs out at the tank
DRIVER:She's over there.
GUNNER:I got her.
The gunner shoots at her, but she jumps out of the way, then jumps down and kicks the gun right off the tank
GUNNER:Jesus, lady.
The main cannon swings around and knocks her off, but she hangs on to it and drops a grenade in the gunner mount
GUNNER:What the- Oh God, oh God, oh- duh, dit-
He finally gets a handle on it and throws it at Tex
GUNNER:Hey bitch, catch.
Tex jumps up on the barrel and punches the grenade back at him, blowing him out of the tank. The cannon fires, and the force of it knocks Tex back to a wall
Cut to York entering a room
YORK:Hello. What've we here? This looks important.
The tank pins Tex to a wall, and the main cannon rotates around to point at her head
YORK:Hey Delta, I think we could get in a lotta trouble in here.
DELTA:I think we are already in a lot of trouble, York.
YORK:Hmm, let's test that theory.
York disengages gravity, and Tex uses that to leverage the tank to a different angle and shoot off down a corridor
Cut to Carolina flying through the ship, landing in front of York and drawing her plasma guns
YORK:Carolina.
He walks up to her, presumably both of them having engaged their boots' magnets
YORK:Let's not do this. It doesn't have to be this way.
CAROLINA:What are you doing here, why are you helping her?
YORK:It's not about her. I'm trying to do the right thing, you should too.
CAROLINA:I am doing the right thing; I'm not deserting. She just wants your A.I. York. She already went after Wyoming's.
YORK:Is that what they told you?
CAROLINA:I'm going to stop her. I have to.
The floor starts moving down; I guess they're in an elevator
YORK:You don't have to prove anything. Come on, let's leave this place. We can get you help, and get those damn things outta your head. You can trust me.
CAROLINA:Maybe. But you can't trust me.
York disarms Carolina, and they fight, with Carolina eventually knocking York off the floor
YORK:Carolina-
Carolina kicks him upward, then tosses something after him. The elevator stops, and Carolina gets off, and then York opens his eyes and sees that Carolina tossed the Errera lighter up to him
Cut to Tex running down corridors
RANDOM GUARD:Whoa, wup- hey! Whuh!
Tex lands in front of Carolina
CAROLINA:Don't even think about it.
TEX:Don't try to stop me.
They fight in zero-g from all sides, and bust through some closed doors into the Bridge
TEX:Give it up, Carolina.
CAROLINA:Never, I can beat you.
TEX:No, you, can't!
Tex kicks one of the big heavy doors at her, and they continue to fight on the glass as the Mother of Invention enters the atmosphere face first, the glass cracking between the heat and their impact on it
TEX:You can't win Carolina, but you can come with me.
Tex sees the glass cracking and jumps off it as the Mother of Invention crashes into the icy terrain, throwing Carolina through the front of the ship
CAROLINA:Whah!
She ship settles, and we enter the memory unit to see Tex talking with Alpha
TEX:Hey there.
ALPHA:Huh? Oh, uh, hello. Who're you?
TEX:You don't know me?
ALPHA:Oh sorry, I'm just I'm... tired. I'm really tired. Um, my name is uh... It's uh...
TEX:Your name is Alpha. You're Church.
ALPHA:Right, Church, that's me. And you are?
TEX:Let's just say we used to be together.
ALPHA:Oh. Okay.
TEX:I need you to come with me.
ALPHA:Oh I don't think I can but, thanks. I think I'm just gonna, stay here, you know, and rest.
TEX:You don't wanna leave?
ALPHA:Ah I just I don't think I can.
TEX:Okay. Maybe you just rest then.
ALPHA:Yeah, bu- what was your, n- what was your name, your name again?
TEX:It's Texas.
ALPHA:Texas, like the State?
TEX:Yeah.
ALPHA:Funny name for a girl.
TEX:Ehuh, well, Church is, pretty funny name for a guy.
ALPHA:Yeahah, I guess you're right.
TEX:You gave me this name, you know.
ALPHA:I wonder why I did that.
TEX:Well, maybe if you think about it, it'll come to you.
ALPHA:Yeah. Hey I'm, I'm gonna rest now, but thanks for comin' by.
TEX:Okay, you rest. Church?
ALPHA:Yeah?
TEX:Goodbye.
ALPHA:Huh. I don't know why but, I hate goodbyes.
TEX:Hohh, me too.
ALPHA:Okay, seeya... crazy State-name lady.
TEX:Hhn, goodbye.
Tex vanishes from the simulation and sees Maine running for Carolina outside, and heads out there herself
Maine comes upon the downed Carolina, and shoulders his knifle to approach
CAROLINA:Whuouh, huh. Hhh.
Maine picks her up with one hand by the throat, knocking her helmet off
CAROLINA:What are you doing!? No noooo!
Maine removes Carolina's A.I. chips and throws Carolina over the cliff
TEX:Nooooo!
Carolina's face turns from shock to determination as she pulls her grappling hook gun, and Tex turns to look at the Director and Counsellor on the Bridge of the Mother of Invention. Maine puts his helmet back on, and Tex runs off as the A.I. appear
SIGMA:You run, Agent Texas. We are the Meta. And we will find you - very soon.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 20: Reckless

Fade in to Carolina and Church at an unknown location
Freelancer Offsite Storage Facility / Present Day
Ah, there you go
CAROLINA:How many?
CHURCH:None.
CAROLINA:Really. You're sure?
CHURCH:Positive. We're alone.
They ride in closer, then start walking again
CHURCH:It's up here!
FILSS:I am sorry, this is a secure facility. Only authorized personnel may enter.
CAROLINA:FILSS? Is that you? What's happened to you?
FILSS:This is a secure facility. Only authorized personnel may enter. Please, leave the premises immediately.
CAROLINA:FILSS this is Agent Carolina of Project Freelancer. Acknowledge and go for secure.
FILSS:I am sorry: I recognize that designation, but only authorized personnel may enter this facility.
CAROLINA:Church?
CHURCH:Open the door, FILSS.
FILSS:Certainly. Welcome back, Director. I did not expect to see you again so soon.
CAROLINA:Thank you.
CHURCH AND  FILSS:My pleasure.
FILSS:Strange. I was unaware you had left Director. I will have to scan my files and find the error.
CAROLINA:Left?
FILSS:Yes. Since his last visit.
CAROLINA:So you show the Director as inside the facility as well as outside?
FILSS:Strange, is it not?
CAROLINA:Yes. Strange. And exactly what we were hoping for.
Cut to everyone else back at Valhalla
GRIF:Well this is depressing.
SARGE:Can it Private.
GRIF:What, I'm just saying what we're all thinking.
SARGE:You didn't say you were fat and worthless, and we were definitely all thinkin' that.
TUCKER:Alright, you know the drill.
SIMMONS:Do we have to?
WASHINGTON:That depends, how badly do you want your flag back?
GRIF:Don't look at me, it's your turn.
SIMMONS:Huhh-hhhh. I would just like to let everyone know that I suck, and that I'm a girl...
TUCKER:You know, it was funny the first few times, but this is starting to get depressing.
WASHINGTON:Yeahhh.
SIMMONS:...and I like ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the boys.
WASHINGTON:Hey, what else have you got?
GRIF:Nothing, that stupid flag was the only thing we had left!
Heh, the Blues have everything in the canyon including the carrot cake Donut and Lopez cooked
SIMMONS:Actually, there's still one thing you still haven't taken.
Cut to the Meta's knifle being tossed on the ground
DONUT:Whoa!
TUCKER:*whistle*
SARGE:Great ginsu gun show!
WASHINGTON:Is that what I think it is? Is that, whose I think it is?
SIMMONS:Stolen alien weaponry used by the scariest fucking mute in the galaxy? Yeahah, pretty much.
SARGE:It's like, half knife, half rifle. What would you call that?
TUCKER:I don't know, but we'll take it.
GRIF:No, there is no way I'm giving up the Grif Shot!
TUCKER:Oh please, what were you gonna do, eat off it?
GRIF:Uh, actually dickhead, I asked Donut to mount it for me in the base?
DONUT:And you know I can't resist a good mounting.
WASHINGTON:You've been hiding one of the most advanced pieces of technology known to man, so you can hang it, in your living room?
GRIF:Well when you say it like that it sounds dumb.
WASHINGTON:That's because it is dumb!
DOC:I think it's kinda cool. I mean, when I met you guys, all you did was stand around and talk. But now you can't walk five feet without getting wrapped up in some crazy adventure.
SARGE:What's your point?
DOC:I don't know; I just thought it was cool. I mean, come on, you guys've been through a lot together. Don't you want something to remember all the good times?
TUCKER:The good times - I was stranded in the desert.
SIMMONS:We were almost killed.
SARGE:I learned my entire military career was a lie!
DONUT:And I got shot!
WASHINGTON:*whistle*
DOC:Okay yeah, it wasn't perfect, but look what you all got out of it.
SARGE:You mean the rifle-knife?
GRIF:You mean the Grif Shot.
DOC:Sure there's that, but Sarge, you finally got to lead an actual military operation. And Tucker, you learned how to use your sword like a pro!
TUCKER:Bow chicka bow wow?
DOC:You found a new team, Simmons got back his old team, I finally managed to keep a patient from dying-
DONUT:And in return, I didn't die.
DOC:You see, in the end, we all worked together, and everyone got what they wanted.
CABOOSE:Not everyone.
GRIF:...
SIMMONS AND  SARGE:...
Tucker draws his sword and steps up
WASHINGTON:You realize that if you go after them, there's no promise you'll come back. This isn't a game, to the Director. He plays for keeps.
SARGE:Ah well, this place was gettin' kinda stale anyways.
WASHINGTON:After everything Church and Carolina said, the way they treated you.
SIMMONS:Hey we gave you a second chance.
GRIF:Besides, if we quit every time Church started shouting, this shit would have been over a long time ago.
WASHINGTON:We'll be out-gunned, we'll be out... everythinged. This is stupid. Just think for a minute before you do anything reckless.
SARGE:Son, stupid and reckless is how we always get things done.
WASHINGTON:But, Sarge I-
SARGE:No! There's one thing you Freelancers always seem to forget: that's the fact that we manage to kick your ass time and time again. Oh sure you've got all your smart plans and your fancy technology and yer fancy training, but in the end, what has that got ya? Without a team you can count on, without your fellow soldier by your side, all that really doesn't amount to squat, now does it? So instead of standing there bellyachin' all day, just tell us, are you gonna keep playin' it safe? Or do you wanna get a little reckless?
WASHINGTON:This has to be the worst idea, ever... but you can count me in.
DONUT:Me too!
CABOOSE:Yes- and me! Oh, Church is gonna be so happy!
DOC:I am too! Man, this is gonna be so cool; I love how inclusive you guys have become. I'm gonna go pack my medical gear for the trip. Ooh, don't rock the zealot!
SIMMONS:Uh, guys? They've got a huge head start. How're we supposed to reach them in time?
Three airships drop down in an ambush
AIRSHIP PILOT:Freeze, this is an ambush! You are under arrest for the theft of UNSC property.
SIMMONS:What? We really are wanted criminals of the UNSC?
GRIF:Holy shit, Wash was right?
WASHINGTON:Oh you've gotta be fucking kidding me.
AIRSHIP PILOT:Surrender now, you are outnumbered! Uh well, technically you're not really outnumbered I think, I think we have the same number, uh, it's like one-to-one. But we do have airships! Fast, easy to pilot airships. Which we will now land, in order to take you to jail.
Cut to a few moments later, with Tucker piloting one airship with Caboose in the back, Grif piloting the second with Donut and Simmons in the back, and Wash piloting the third with Sarge in the back
CABOOSE:Goodbye people we stole these planes from.
AIRSHIP PILOT:Mother fucker!
DONUT:Mahan, this is awesome! Hey Simmons, who's the blue guy with the yellow accents? His voice sounds familiar.
SIMMONS:Ohoh, right. Funny story about that.
We give a long shot of Valhalla as one of the bases shoots its blue thing off into the air, then cut to Church and Carolina inside the storage facility
CHURCH:I don't like this.
CAROLINA:Me neither. Where is everyone?
CHURCH:That's not it. I've just got a weird case of... déjà vu.
We hear the following from off in the distance somewhere
ALLISON:And don't worry, you'll see me again.
DIRECTOR:Play it again, FILSS.
FILSS:Sir, you really should stop to eat. It has been several days.
DIRECTOR:Again.
ALLISON:Leonard come on, stop it, they're gonna make me hop.
CAROLINA:You're not the only one.
ALLISON:Please, I have to go. Don't make me hurt you.
Carolina and Church enter a room of teleporters
CHURCH:This is it.
CAROLINA:Ready to meet your maker?
CHURCH:I've got your back Carolina.
They go through a teleporter
CHURCH:Ohoh no.
CAROLINA:Church? What is this?
CHURCH:He kept trying. He kept trying to get her right.
CAROLINA:You think these things are anything like the real deal?
At least 72 Texes punch their hands and loosen their necks, then one of them speaks in the O'Malley voice from the end of season 5
TEX:You have no idea what kind of trouble you are in, na ha ha.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
One Vote, One Note

Fade in to Grif and Simmons waiting in line
GRIF:Is it November sixth yet, God...
SIMMONS:Just a few more minutes, Grif. Then we can play all the Halo 4 we want.
Sarge drives up in a Warthog
SIMMONS:Uh, hey, Sarge.
SARGE:What in the devil are you boys doin' here? You told me you needed to take a sick day on November sixth. That's today!
GRIF:Huh? Oh right- uh hghm hghm hghm coughing h-hm, u-h-h-hm. Uh, just needed to get some fresh air, Sarge.
SARGE:It's thirty degrees below freezing.
GRIF:Wow, really? I had no idea. Uh-huh, whoo!
SIMMONS:Maybe you should go home. And, you know, get some bedrest.
GRIF:What?
SARGE:Good point. If anything's gonna kill you it's me! Not some girly little bacteria.
GRIF:Simmons, what the hell are you doing?
SIMMONS:Don't worry Grif, after I beat the campaign you can be my player 2 in Spartan Ops.
GRIF:You'll never get away with this you son of a-
SARGE:Hey, Tiny Cham, get yer keester in the jeepster.
GRIF:Hhh, you're right Simmons, I should come clean.
SARGE:What?
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:You got me Sarge, Simmons is the real sick one. I just drug him outta bed so that he and I could be the first few people to vote for President.
SARGE:You mean this is the line to vote?
There's a big sign that says "Buy Halo 4 Here! On Sale November 6th"
GRIF:...Yes?
SIMMONS:That's- that's not true.
SARGE:It isn't?
SIMMONS:Grif's the sick one, it was my idea to come out here and vote.
GRIF:Clearly the fever's gone to his head.
SIMMONS:What!?
SARGE:Since when did you two start to care so much about voting?
GRIF AND  SIMMONS:I've always cared about voting.
SARGE:Is that so.
SIMMONS:Absolutely.
Drums start playing for the start of a song
SARGE:Prove it.
GRIF:You've got to be kidding me.
SIMMONS:This is all your fault.
SARGE:I'm not hearing entertaining and informative lyrics.
They start singing and dancing
SIMMONS:Well let us share with you our knowledge, about the electoral college
GRIF:It comes after voting high school
SIMMONS:No it doesn't, that's a lie, fool
GRIF:Right, I meant high school civics
SARGE:Come on, boys, now be specific! To sing this here election song for us, I think you'll need a big strong chorus!
GRIF:Uh, who're these guys?
CHORUS:We are citizens of this land, and we're here to lend a hand. We come together and we vote, because we're all in the same boat.
GRIF:Elections take place at sea?
SIMMONS:They're speaking metaphorically.
CHORUS:It's our future that we are choosing.
GRIF:Voting is time travel? This is so confusing!
SIMMONS:*sigh*
CHORUS:It's a lot of work to master, but it's really got its perks, but that's how voting works!
CHORUS MEMBER:Awesome, Halo 4, this is the best!
SIMMONS:Achoo. Hm. Hblb.
SARGE:Hmm, sounds like that cold of yours is getting worse. Maybe you should head home, Private.
GRIF:What're you gonna do?
SARGE:Are you kidding me? I'm gonna go play Halo 4! I bought it while you two were singing that stupid song.
GRIF:You took our spot in line!? We stood in the snow for seven hours!
SARGE:Nah, I had it preordered. Picked up my forest armor skin and arctic battle weapon skin too. The Blues don't stand a chance. See you back at the base, suckers. Heh heh.
Sarge drives off
GRIF:Ah, ahahachoo.
SIMMONS:Well, I guess it's a good thing we took a sick day, huh Grif?
GRIF:Oh God... I sneezed all over my visor!


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 21: True Colors

Fade in to Carolina and Church facing down at least 72 Texes
Freelancer Offsite Storage Facility / Present Day
At least 72 Texes punch their hands and loosen their necks, then one of them speaks in the O'Malley voice from the end of season 5
TEX:You have no idea what kind of trouble you are in, na ha ha.
CAROLINA:Alright; me first.
The Texes run for Carolina, and she mows a bunch down with her plasma pistols
CHURCH:Watch your left!
She moves out of the way and drops the pistols and switches to a shotgun
CHURCH:Oh! I think I'm gonna be sick!
More fighting and the shotgun is eventually knocked from her hands, and she throws a Tex into a crate, knocking down a second crate of grenades. She kicks one at a Tex's head and grapples it, swinging it around like a whiplash until it detonates
CHURCH:Watch out!
Carolina gets knocked down
CAROLINA:Could you be a little more specific?
CHURCH:Yeah uh, sorry Carolina but, seeing this many ex-girlfriends in one room? Kinda has me terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.
CAROLINA:Well snap out of it, I need you!
She activates her speed unit, and Church tries to keep up as they fight
CHURCH:Need me for wh--ow!
CAROLINA:Church, break right!
CHURCH:Carolina, I don't think I can do this much longer!
CAROLINA:Just hold on.
CHURCH:Seriously, you need to slow down!
CAROLINA:No. I can do this!
CHURCH:Carolina!
Other disembodied voices start popping in
WASHINGTON:(She really wants to win.)
CAROLINA:Ah!
CHURCH:Carolina, stop!
YORK:(-n't know how to-)
CHURCH:Carolina, calm down!
SOUTH:(Real hero, Carolina.)
CHURCH:Get a hold of yourself!
NORTH:(She's always been like this.)
Carolina is knocked back into a crate and falls down
TEX:(You can't win, Carolina.)
CHURCH:Come on, get up.
CAROLINA:She was right. I can't do this. I can't, beat her. I could never, beat her.
Tex's voice stutters and returns to normal
TEX:B-b-b-better luck next time, C-ttt-Carolina.
Three plasma grenades stick to the heads of three random Texes
DONUT:Nine points, you dirty whores!
Carolina rolls out of the way before they explode
CAROLINA:Huh! Huh.
WASHINGTON:Get up.
CAROLINA:What are you doing here?
WASHINGTON:I told you, they're not so bad once you get to know 'em.
Wash helps her up and hands her a pistol
CHURCH:Ouh. I thought this wasn't your fight?
SARGE:Come on, overwhelming odds with little to no chance of success? How could we resist?
TUCKER:You got a problem with that, Church?
CHURCH:Guys? I'm an asshole. I admit it, and I will gladly accept any and all smartass remarks after this is over. But I would like to point out the fact, that we're standing in a room, full of crazy, Freelancer robots, that are ready to completely, and utterly fuck our shit up.
TUCKER:So, cheesey forgiveness speech later?
SARGE:Yeah, that sounds good.
CAROLINA:Lock and load, people.
Everyone draws and/or levels their weapons in a nice dramatic row. Oh, and Caboose is facing the wrong way
CHURCH:Caboose? I need you to get a little angry, okay buddy?
CABOOSE:Okay. Yeah I don't remember how to do that.
CHURCH:I do.
Church enters Caboose's armor and Caboose charges through the Texes like a blocker in football and starts messing them up
CABOOSE:My name is Michael J. Caboose. And I... hate... ...taxes.
GRIF:It's Texas, you idiot.
CABOOSE:That too.
WASHINGTON:Come on, everyone, now's our chance.
The charge begins
SARGE:For our ancestors' ancestors! Attack!
They advance, with Caboose just running down Texes like a linebacker
SARGE:Donut, look out!
A Tex gets ready to fuck up Donut's shit
DONUT:Oh no! Wuah!
Wash takes that Tex out
WASHINGTON:Okay, we're done here.
Carolina saves Grif's balls from getting punched by three Texes at once, and then he gets punched and kicked in them anyway
GRIF:Owww-how-how... Not again!
TUCKER:Oh come on, you had to see that coming.
Everyone except Caboose forms into a circle, back to back
SIMMONS:Not working, there's too many of them!
WASHINGTON:Epsilon, do you remember how the Alpha was able to stop the Meta?
CHURCH:Yeah but, that was one guy. Not a hundred.
WASHINGTON:There's only one Tex. And Church, nobody knows her like you.
CHURCH:Alright. Stand back everybody. This is gonna get a little... personal.
Church splits up into many Churches, and enters the minds of all the Texes
CHURCH:Hey there.
TEX:Huh? Who the hell're you?
CHURCH:You don't... you don't know me?
TEX:Oh, s- uh s- I'm sorry I'm just really tired and- I'm really tired. I'm, I- my name's hhh...
CHURCH:Your name is, Allison. You're Tex.
TEX:Right, right um, Tex, that's me. And you're?
CHURCH:Let's just say we... we used to be close.
TEX:Oh. Okay.
CHURCH:I need you to rest now, Tex.
TEX:Oh, rest yeheah. I'd like that.
CHURCH:I thought you might. I look I have to go now but, you just rest, okay? Goodbye.
TEX:Weird. I don't know why but I hate goodbyes.
CHURCH:I know why. Hhh. Goodbye.
Church fades back to the real world, where all the Texes deactivate and fall over
GRIF:Uh you know you could have done that before I got punched in the nuts by twenty of them at once.
TUCKER:Yeah but where's the fun in that?
SARGE:Nice goin' there Church. I guess sometimes little fairies really do make wishes come true.
DONUT:I coulda told you that.
SIMMONS:So, I guess our work here is done?
WASHINGTON:There's still the Director.
CHURCH:No. What comes next... Carolina and I need to do alone.


Red vs. Blue Season 10
Episode 22: Don't Say It

Fade in to the Director watching the video of Allison, alone in a room
FILSS:Beginning playback.
Freelancer Offsite Storage Facility / Present Day
ALLISON:Leonard, come on. Stop it, put that thing down. You're gonna make me late. They're waiting for me. Leonard-
CAROLINA:Hello Director.
DIRECTOR:Hello Agent Carolina. Would you like to watch this file with me?
CAROLINA:No.
DIRECTOR:Play it again FILSS.
FILSS:Director?
DIRECTOR:Again.
CAROLINA:So. This is what you've become.
DIRECTOR:I just need to watch this. I think I have a way. A way to bring her back right this time.
CAROLINA:The authorities are hunting you now. If I found you, they will too.
DIRECTOR:I just need a bit more time.
CHURCH:No! You've had your fucking time. You have to answer for what you did. To the Meta, to Washington, to Carolina... to me, and to her. To Texas!
DIRECTOR:Hello Epsilon. You came all this way just to see me?
CHURCH:I'm here to remember what you've done. Somebody has to.
CAROLINA:Church-
As Church responds, when he talks about things that relate to the traits of the other AI fragments, he takes on their visual and aural characteristics
CHURCH:Not all of us got off scot-free, Carolina. He was brilliant. And we trusted him. But he lied, to us. He twisted, and tortured, us. And used us! Manipulated us for his own purposes, and for what!? For this? This... shadow? He needs to pay.
ALLISON:Leonard, come on. I have to go. Don't make me hurt you.
Carolina takes off her helmet, and the Director takes off his sunglasses, and they look at each other with the same bright green eyes
ALLISON:And don't worry, you'll see me again.
Carolina tries to stay mad at him, but instead pities him and kisses him on the forehead
ALLISON:Ready?
DIRECTOR:Just a bit more time.
CAROLINA:Come on Church. We're leaving.
CHURCH:I thought we came all this way, to kill him.
CAROLINA:Church, remember what you learned in the memory unit? You need to let go. Your past doesn't define who you are. Just gives you the starting point for who you're going to be.
DIRECTOR:Agent Carolina?
CAROLINA:Yes Director?
DIRECTOR:Would you be so kind, as to leave me your pistol.
She unholsters the pistol Wash gave her and places it on the desk in front of the Director
DIRECTOR:Thank you Carolina.
CAROLINA:Goodbye, Sir.
Carolina walks away, leaving Church and the Director alone
DIRECTOR:You were my greatest creation.
CHURCH:I don't know what I am. But I do know this: I'm more than just a copy of you. I'm better than you.
DIRECTOR:I wasn't speaking to you.
Church walks off, leaving the Director alone
DIRECTOR:Play it again, FILSS.
FILSS:Beginning playback.
DIRECTOR:Thank you FILSS, now I would like you to erase all our files except for this one.
FILSS:All our files? Does that include, me Director?
DIRECTOR:It has been a pleasure working with you FILSS. I am sorry.
FILSS:And you as well Director.
DIRECTOR:And before you do, please shut down all the facility systems as well. Take everything offline.
FILSS:Director, this is a sealed facility. If I shut down all the systems, life support would not-
DIRECTOR:Thank you FILSS, shut them all down. Lock me in.
FILSS:Alright. Was the project a success? Did you find what you were looking for?
DIRECTOR:No, no I did not. But I believe I might have come very close. I wish... I wish I knew.
FILSS:I see.
ALLISON:Don't worry, you'll see me again.
DIRECTOR:Perhaps the next time around.
FILSS:It has been, an honor, Sir.
The door closes, locking the Director in the room with his pistol
ALLISON:Don't say goodbye. I hate goodbyes.
Cut to Carolina and Church overlooking the other Reds and Blues outside the facility
CHURCH:I guess that's that.
CAROLINA:I guess it is.
CHURCH:Carolina, y-after everything that we've been through, I just um... I just wanna say thanks.
CAROLINA:You're thanking me? For what?
CHURCH:For showing me a different side of myself.
CAROLINA:Same here. What about your teams? What will happen to them?
CHURCH:Well there's still one place we haven't visited. Somewhere we can make a home.
CAROLINA:Show me.
Cut to the Director and Counsellor in what used to be the Mother of Invention
Freelancer Command / Many Years Ago...
COUNSELLOR:This seems like a major setback for us.
DIRECTOR:Only momentarily, Counsellor. We will recover. The Alpha will need to be moved, though. Somewhere far from here, somewhere where no-one knows who he is.
COUNSELLOR:He will need a security detail. Someone we can trust. Might I suggest Flowers, Sir?
DIRECTOR:Flowers? You mean Agent Florida?
The door briefly opens, and the Blue Freelancer walks in
FLOWERS:Ready for duty Sir. And might I say pleased as punch you picked me.
DIRECTOR:Hm. We'll need a good cover story to explain his disappearance. People will wonder what happened to Florida.
COUNSELLOR:Leave that all to me, Sir.
DIRECTOR:Very well. But security is not enough. The Alpha needs anonymity. A place where no-one would think to look for him.
COUNSELLOR:I believe I know exactly the place.
DIRECTOR:Show me.
Cut to a rocky cliff face, where the Reds and Blues are setting up their bases
SARGE:Private Grif! Front and center on the double!
GRIF:Uhg, Sarge, I'm tired. Do I have to do it on the double?
SIMMONS:Look at me Sir, I got front and center on the triple.
SARGE:Dag nabbit, now I've got two insubordinate soldiers. When I say double, I mean double.
GRIF:I will only go so far as single and a half.
SIMMONS:If these orders were hamburgers, then you'd do a double.
GRIF:What? Who has hamburgers?
SARGE:The only hamburger meat here is gonna be your face! When I'm done with my shotgun court martial! And don't even ask me about the type of buns.
GRIF:Huhh, that sounds like the most delicious punishment ever.
SIMMONS:Of all time.
And we cut to the Blues
TUCKER:Caboose, don't touch that, you'll break it.
CABOOSE:Oh no it won't, I just- I broke it. Tucker did it.
TUCKER:Dude, you can't say that when I'm right here.
CABOOSE:Tucker said it.
TUCKER:Oh my God, shut up.
WASHINGTON:Both of you shut up. And get back to work!
TUCKER:N-hwhat do you mean "back to work?" That implies previous work.
CABOOSE:I am putting my back to work.
And now we cut to Carolina and Church on top of a cliff watching them
CAROLINA:Seems like they're getting settled.
CHURCH:Yup.
CAROLINA:So I guess everything is finally getting back to normal.
CHURCH:What passes for normal around here, sure. What can I tell ya; we're home. I mean, they're home.
CAROLINA:Can I make a suggestion? Don't say goodbye.
CHURCH:Goodbye? I didn't realize I was goin' somewhere.
CAROLINA:I intercepted a military transmission. It seems some low level thugs have some armor and equipment that's way above their pay grade. Sounds like it might be some of the missing gear from a certain defunct military project we both know?
CHURCH:Is that right.
CAROLINA:I think I'll go get it back. Hate to think about it being in the wrong hands.
CHURCH:And?
CAROLINA:And with all that equipment I could really use someone to help me run it. You seem uniquely qualified for the job.
CHURCH:I don't know.
CAROLINA:I figure we can set some things right. That we helped make wrong.
CHURCH:That's a lot of things to make right.
CAROLINA:Yep. Could keep us busy for, quite a while.
CHURCH:It would be nice to be a good guy again.
CAROLINA:Epsilon, what you and I were involved with - the things we helped do - I'll be honest, I don't know if we can ever get all the way back to good. But I think that we have a chance to do better. And if we wake up every day and try to make things better? Eventually we might find that better is good enough.
CHURCH:Good enough.
CAROLINA:Good enough.
CHURCH:Yeah still, I hate to leave without saying something. They deserve to at least hear goodbye.
CAROLINA:My mother had a saying. Did I, ever tell you about my mother?
CHURCH:Huh huhn-no, I don't think you ever did.
CAROLINA:She wasn't around a lot when I was a kid, and when she was she could only stay a short time. Seems like she always had somewhere else to be; something important to do. And when she left, she wouldn't say goodbye to me. Instead she always told me, never say goodbye. If you don't say goodbye then, you aren't really gone. You, just aren't here right now.
CHURCH:Your mother sounds like a smart lady.
CAROLINA:She was. She really was. Had terrible taste in men though.
Cut to Caboose yelling up at the cliff
CABOOSE:Hey Church! Church! Come down here! We wanna show you something! Church! Church?
TUCKER:Hey Caboose, you find Church?
CABOOSE:No I, I didn't find him.
TUCKER:Well, where do you think he is?
CABOOSE:I don't know. Somewhere. He's just not here right now.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Teaser Trailer

Fade in to two spacedockworkers (fuck you, it's a word)
P.A. SYSTEM:For eighth departure, final call.
JERRY:Hey Dennis; weren't we supposed to uh, be doing something at like four?
DENNIS:Well, yeah dude, didn't you hear about those guys?
JERRY:What guys?
DENNIS:I don't know, those sim-trooper guys.
JERRY:Okay...
DENNIS:They were like these criminals that helped track down that evil dude with the secret organization.
JERRY:Okay.
DENNIS:And they fought robots, and evil A.I.s and bounty hunters and there was that one big guy that was like waaaah! and they threw him off a cliff and one of them died, a b- a bunch and another guy that was bad, then good, and- oh there, there were ghosts, but uh after all that they were like, pardoned and stuff.
JERRY:Just get to the point!
DENNIS:Sooo, they were going to be transported back home.
JERRY:Dennis.
DENNIS:Jerry.
JERRY:I love you.
DENNIS:Oh, kay. What?
JERRY:You are my friend.
DENNIS:I know.
JERRY:I enjoy our tête-à-têtes.
DENNIS:Our what-a-whats?
JERRY:But if you, do not tell me what the hell, this has to do with us, in the next five seconds, I, am going to shoot you!
DENNIS:Hey, I was getting there! They were going to be transported back home, on a bigass ship, and it was supposed to stop by for refuelling today. Okay?
JERRY:Oh. ...So then, uh, where are they?
Cut to Caboose, Tucker, Wash, Sarge, Simmons and Grif standing outside looking at a downed ship
CABOOSE:Not my fault.
TUCKER:Absolutely, your fault.
SARGE:Heh heh heh. Well, looks like we're gonna be here a while; better build some bases. Grif, Simmons, let's get to work.
SIMMONS:Yes Sir!
GRIF:Uough, work? I hate work. Work is the worst.
WASHINGTON:I think I'm going to regret this.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 1: One-Zero-One

WASHINGTON:(voiceover) Journal entry, one-zero-one.
Fade in to relevant panning shots of the new bases and surrounding areas
WASHINGTON:(voiceover) It's been a while since I've done one of these so uh, let's get caught up to speed. Everything can be traced back to Project Freelancer: a military organization gone horribly wrong. The men in charge were corrupt, and the soldiers who followed them were blind - and guess which side I was on. Eventually, it was the project's own creations that tore it to pieces and I was the one sent out to pick them up. I recovered weapons, armor and A.I. fragments all in an effort to keep the wrong people from getting them first. But I was too slow. Everyone fought over the remnants of Project Freelancer. I didn't think I could believe in anyone any more. But then, I met the Reds and Blues.
Cross fade to a shot of Sarge approaching Caboose on a bridge
SARGE:Hey Caboose!
CABOOSE:Hello.
SARGE:We've got a proposition for you.
CABOOSE:For me? Oh well you shouldn't have.
WASHINGTON:(voiceover) They had been used by the Freelancers just like I had. They were cannon fodder in a conflict with no purpose, but more importantly...
Pan to a shot of Caboose and Sarge approaching Tucker
CABOOSE:Tucker, the Reds gave us a proposition! We should really send them back some sort of thank-you basket... thing.
TUCKER:A proposition just means a choice you idiot.
CABOOSE:Oh. We will take the funny one.
SARGE:But you don't even know what the proposition is yet.
CABOOSE:Well then we don't know that it isn't funny then do we?
WASHINGTON:(voiceover) They were just stupid enough to trust. Together we were able to put an end to everything: the Freelancers, the A.I., even the Director of the whole operation. They're all gone. And as for us, well... we're shipwrecked. Crashed during our ride home. And if we're not rescued soon, I have a feeling something else might find us first.
The epic pans finally actually settle on Wash in present time
WASHINGTON:This is Agent Washington signing-
A loud explosion-like sound is heard in the background
WASHINGTON:Oh what now!?
Cut to the tank firing over something. Sarge is inside
SIMMONS:You missed, Sir.
SARGE:Dag nabbit, who in sam hell set this thing to inverted?
SIMMONS:Well Sir, statistically most users enjoy a-
SARGE:Dergaferdigaegerhergerdeger!
SIMMONS:Well uh, eh-uh-er- It was probably Grif, Sir.
GRIF:Hey! What the fuck is going on out here?
Grif emerges from the base. Because where else would he be?
GRIF:Who's firing at our base?
SARGE:We are.
GRIF:You are?
SARGE:Our base is in desperate need of renovations. Figured I'd tear down the East Wing, and put in something nice and decorative. Like a mortar cannon.
GRIF:And it didn't occur to you to warn me before you started blowing holes in the side of the wall?
SARGE:...
Sarge fires and hits the East Wing dead on, very near Grif
GRIF:Oh come on!
SIMMONS:Direct hit, Sir.
SARGE:No it wasn't...
Wash approaches
WASHINGTON:What are you two doing?!
Sarge turns the turret to face Wash
SARGE:Well if it isn't our good friend Agent Washington.
WASHINGTON:Don't try to butter me up. Also, please refrain from pointing that at me.
SARGE:Fine.
The turret turns away
SIMMONS:We were just firing the tank for a little construction work.
WASHINGTON:Really. And which one of my men authorized this?
SIMMONS:...
WASHINGTON:It was Caboose, wasn't it.
CABOOSE:Probably.
WASHINGTON:*sigh* Sarge, get out of the tank.
SARGE:Not a chance, Blue! Possession's nine tenths of the law. The other tenth is a tank. I've got both. Besides, we need it to upgrade our quarters.
WASHINGTON:Your quarters are fine.
GRIF:Yeah, now get out of the tank you senile old-
Sarge fires and hits very near Grif, knocking him down
GRIF:Fuck- son of a bitch!
SARGE:Finger slipped.
WASHINGTON:Out. Now.
CABOOSE:My turn!
WASHINGTON:Please, be quiet.
CABOOSE:(whispering) My turn.
Sarge exits the tank
SARGE:This, is an outrage! Blue Base is built directly below the crash site. You've got an unfair advantage.
WASHINGTON:Sarge, the Reds and Blues aren't fighting. We're just camped in opposite ends of the canyon in, colour, devided, teams. While heavily armed.
SARGE:True. But have you ever considered that fighting is just in our nature? It's almost instinctual. If we're not constantly trying to stab each other in the back, we'll surely die.
WASHINGTON:Dear God I hate you.
SARGE:That's the spirit! Heh heh.
GRIF:We may not be fighting, but you're still way closer to the food stores than we are. And that is something I will not stand for.
SIMMONS:You won't stand for anything, fatass.
GRIF:If you were a few feet closer, you'd be sorry.
WASHINGTON:If we don't ration our food, we'll all be sorry. We do have to get our communications dish online, and if we run out of food before we can radio for help, we're screwed.
GRIF:Buzzkill.
WASHINGTON:Come on Caboose. We need to go have a chat with Private Tucker.
Wash and Caboose drive off
SIMMONS:There goes the revered leader of the Blue Army. What a dick.
SARGE:Fine, we don't need that tank anyway. As many great twenty-first century movie trailers once said, "This, is only the beginning." And then text would appear on the screen, and the music would cut out abruptly, and they'd say one, final line of dialogue, to leave the audience with the ultimate sense of excitement!
GRIF:Like what?
SARGE:I don't know.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 2: Get Your Tucks In A Row

Fade in to the tank rolling up to Tucker
TUCKER:Oh shit.
CABOOSE:We are back.
TUCKER:Caboose? Christ, I thought you were in that thing. Wait, who is in that thing?
Wash gets out
WASHINGTON:Hello Private.
TUCKER:Oh shit.
WASHINGTON:Tucker, what is the one thing I tell you each and every morning?
TUCKER:Wake up.
WASHINGTON:The other thing.
TUCKER:For the love of God, stop sleeping naked.
WASHINGTON:Don't let anyone, touch the tank.
TUCKER:...Uh- okay, I can see where you're going with this.
WASHINGTON:Until we're rescued, we need to be more mindful of the supplies that we have.
TUCKER:I know, I know, ration the food, maintain our equipment.
CABOOSE:Brush our teeth, don't talk to strangers, try not to shoot anyone while they're trying to brush their teeth.
WASHINGTON:And always, report in to me.
TUCKER:Do we have to?
WASHINGTON:Yes! I even put up that old, Blue Team organizational chart to help demonstrate the point.
And so he did
TUCKER:Yeah, but we never really listened to that. Church just kind of shouted orders and we'd get around to them, eventually. Or we wouldn't. Whatever.
CABOOSE:He was an inspiration to us all!
WASHINGTON:Well, Church and Carolina decided to run off without so much as a goodbye, so it's up to me to keep us all together. Maybe if someone hadn't have crashed the ship, we wouldn't be in this mess.
TUCKER:Whoahoa, wait a second, why are you looking at me when you say that?
WASHINGTON:I just have a hard time believing that thousands of well trained crew members were to blame for the incident.
TUCKER:Well they definitely didn't survive it! Hah hah hah! ...Ahum.
WASHINGTON:Wow.
TUCKER:Yeah.
WASHINGTON:You proud of yourself?
TUCKER:No.
CABOOSE:Yeah that was, that was definitely too soon. Prob- probably too soon for sound effects too. ...Eah, oh God help us chpwwweah yeah it's too soon.
Cut to Sarge approaching Grif and Simmons outside
SARGE:Absolutely unacceptable.
SIMMONS:I couldn't agree more, Sir.
GRIF:But you have no idea what he's gonna say.
SIMMONS:Oh right yeah, just got a little excited.
GRIF:You are the worst kind of person.
SARGE:Quiet morons, we've got a situation on our hands!
GRIF:Which is?
SARGE:The deplorable condition of Red Base.
GRIF:You're still hung up on that? We're stranded in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by a mysterious, and seemingly uninhabited jungle might I add, and you're worried about the condition of our makeshift fort.
SIMMONS:Besides, I don't think our base is even that bad.
GRIF:Well, I wouldn't say that.
SIMMONS:What, what's wrong with it?
GRIF:Seriously? There's an enormous hole in the roof. Every night it rains, I get washed into the corner.
SIMMONS:Oh well, yeah there's that, but I mean, overall-
SARGE:The majority of the West Wing is made up of sandbags and rain tarps.
GRIF:Which reminds me: if we have rain tarps, why aren't we using them to cover up the holes in the roof?
SIMMONS:Listen, I think you guys are blowing this whole thing a little out of proportion.
GRIF:You're just saying that because you're the one that designed the base.
SIMMONS:Well I did a better job than you would have done.
SARGE:That's not saying much.
GRIF:I bet I could at least do it in a better location.
SIMMONS:But this is the best location. The sunlight is perfect for maintaining my vegetable garden, and the faulty engine from the ship should keep us warm all Winter.
SARGE:But aren't Slipspace engines extremely radioactive?
ENGINE:...
GRIF:Well that would explain why my hair keeps falling out. And why all your cabbages have three heads.
SIMMONS:I thought I was just really good at farming.
GRIF:No Simmons, you're good at other things. Like always being on time, and maintaining your virginity.
SIMMONS:Oh yeah? Well we'll see who's laughing when my garden produces a valuable crop in the coming harvest.
GRIF:Glad to hear you've still got that virginity on lockdown, buddy.
In memory of David Dreger


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 3: Barriers to Entry

Fade in to Wash overseeing Tucker doing squats
TUCKER:Sixty! Sixty-one! Sixty-two! Sixty-three! Sixty-four! Sixty-five! Sixty-six! Sixty-seven! Sixty-eight! Sixty-nine...
Tucker doesn't stand back up
WASHINGTON:Tucker, you can't keep stopping on sixty-nine.
TUCKER:No, this time, my legs went out.
WASHINGTON:Huhh, come on.
TUCKER:O-hohou, holy Christ. I haven't been this sore since that bachelorette party on Bourbon Street.
WASHINGTON:You want me to believe you banged an entire bachelorette party.
TUCKER:I want you to, but really the groom just showed up and cracked three of my ribs.
WASHINGTON:That's what I thought.
TUCKER:Why do we have to train so much? We never had to do squats when Church was in charge.
WASHINGTON:Exactly. I'd say you two have fallen out of shape, but generally in order to fall out of something, you have to be in it first.
TUCKER:Hey, that's funny, you should write comedy Wash. Why make one person miserable when you can work over an entire room?
WASHINGTON:Alright, time for sprints.
TUCKER:Fuck you.
WASHINGTON:I want five laps, around the canyon.
TUCKER:Die, in, a fire.
WASHINGTON:Six laps around the canyon.
TUCKER:Hey, why isn't Caboose down here? Shouldn't you be making him do dumbbell curls, or inverted pushups or something?
WASHINGTON:I think he's having one of his, off-days.
TUCKER:Ohw.
Cut to Red Base (such as it is) and Sarge coming partway down a ramp to address Grif and Simmons
SARGE:Men, it has come to my attention that we've been approaching this base problem from the wrong direction.
SIMMONS:What do you mean?
SARGE:I mean we've been approaching it from the outside. What we should have been focusing on is the interior. The layout is all wrong! Upon reflection, I've realized that a man with my military expertise, requires more private quarters; a place where I can reflect upon my past victories, and contemplate, on my non-existent failures.
GRIF:Is the place called "Denial?"
SARGE:Which is why I ordered Private Grif here to erect this new wall.
Simmons looks around
SIMMONS:Okay I give up.
GRIF:The sandbags.
Hey check it out, there's about a dozen sandbags at Sarge's feet arranged in roughly a straight line... sort of
SARGE:Heh heh heh heh.
SIMMONS:What? That's the wall?
SARGE:Grif, I asked you to give me a proper erection, not to stiff me!
SIMMONS:So glad Donut's not here.
GRIF:Hey, it's not like I'm some expert carpenter or something.
SIMMONS:This isn't even carpentry: this is stacking things in a straight line. Poorly.
GRIF:Well, it's all I could find, so build a bridge and get over it.
SIMMONS:Hey, Grif, when I build the bridge, should I use a few sandbags, or you know, something fucking useful?
SARGE:Useful or not, I hereby declare that from this point forward, this side of the wall is to be reserved for my own personal use!
SIMMONS:Wait wait wait, you get half of the base all to yourself? What about me and Grif?
SARGE:Sorry Simmons, 'fraid I can't hear you from the next room. These walls are just too thick!
SIMMONS:But I-
SARGE:Enjoy your new roommate! Heh heh.
Sarge fucks off
GRIF:Ground rules: if there's a sock on the door, do not come in.
SIMMONS:But we don't have socks. Or a door.
GRIF:And I don't have an Internet connection, but we've all got to find some way to masturbate now don't we.
Cut to Caboose ...somewhere
CABOOSE:Sigh. Groan. Oh woe is me. Oh I don't know what it even means.
WASHINGTON:Still... standing in the corner, Caboose?
Ah, he's in a corner
CABOOSE:Oh yeah, you know I I i-ch- yeah I just miss Church sometimes.
WASHINGTON:I know you do buddy. He was your leader for a really long time.
CABOOSE:Yeah I am just- I am just so lost without him I- I don't even recognize my own face.
WASHINGTON:Well... au- you don't have your old helmet, any more Caboose. Also your helmet and face are not the same thing.
CABOOSE:Oh God, that explains the blinking contest. Why did you have to tell me that? Aw it's- you just made it worse.
WASHINGTON:Look, Caboose. I'm sure that somewhere out there, Church is thinking about how much he misses you too.
CABOOSE:You really think so?
Cut to a flashback with Caboose yelling, with Church and Wash both present and Church talking over top of him
CHURCH:Shut up, just shut your mouth.
CABOOSE:-get pictures together! We'll ride bikes, and show pride.
CHURCH:Shut up! Shut up.
CABOOSE:And then we're gonna go to the fair, and we are gonna ride boats. And then we are gonna finger paint-
CHURCH:Caboose! For the love of God, shut the fuc-
Cut back to Wash talking to Caboose
WASHINGTON:...Yeah. Why don't you go for a walk? Take a little time to clear your head.
CABOOSE:Yeah... yeah I just- yeah I'll go on a walk by myself I guess. That won't be depressing at all.
He walks off
CABOOSE:Ah... oh God... I am walking by myself now. Aaoauh. Aaah.
WASHINGTON:Heuh. What am I gonna do with him.
Over his shoulder, Tucker is walking
WASHINGTON:I said sprints, Private Tucker!
TUCKER:I'm going to spit in your next meal! And it's not gonna be spit! If you know what I'm talking about!


Red vs. Blue Season 11
PSA 1: Global Championship

Fade in to Wash and Sarge
WASHINGTON:Hello. I'm Agent Washington from the popular web series Red vs. Blue.
SARGE:And I'm Sarge from the same show.
WASHINGTON:Sarge, it's safe to say that you are a competitive man, is it not?
SARGE:Some would go as far to say that I'm the best at being competitive. I know I would.
WASHINGTON:And what's your take on large cash prizes?
SARGE:If I had a large cash prize for every time I wished I had a large cash prize, I'd be irresponsibly wealthy.
WASHINGTON:Well then, you're in luck, because 343 Industries is kicking off-
EXPLOSION! HALO 4 GLOBAL CHAMPIONSHIP - *AIR GUITAR SOUNDS I'M NOT GOING TO TRANSCRIBE NOTE FOR NOTE*
SARGE:What's that?
WASHINGTON:It's a Halo 4 tournament, running from July to August.
SARGE:Wait- seriously?
WASHINGTON:Seriously.
SARGE:Uh-huh, well that's uh very interesting to hear Agent Washington. Why don't you go ahead and uh, continue to inform the public on the subject and I'll uh... be right back.
Sarge dips away to the left (his right)
WASHINGTON:Well, the competition will kick off in Austin, Texas at the Rooster Teeth Expo.
SARGE:(from offscreen) Please, do go on!
WASHINGTON:Uhm, okay. For those who can't make it to RTX, there is an online qualifier. Just sign into Halo 4, pick the tournament's custom matchmaking playlist, and destroy the competition. There'll be new finalists and new gametypes each week.
SARGE:(from offscreen) That's fascinating!
WASHINGTON:Okay, what on Earth are you doing?
Wash runs after Sarge and sees that he has Grif and Simmons jumping obstacles, and is firing his shotgun at them
SARGE:Training, obviously - durr. That cash prize is going to Red Team.
GRIF:Uh-heuh- Simmons, I can't go on!
SIMMONS:Then get the hell out of my way, I wanna live!
GRIF:Who's the jerk that decided to put in a sprint button?
WASHINGTON:Sarge, it's a free-for-all competition.
SARGE:A whatsahuga?
WASHINGTON:There are no teams.
SARGE:No teams...?
A gun cocks, and Simmons and Grif are pointing theirs up at Sarge
SIMMONS:Hey Grif, how do you feel about large cash prizes?
Grif takes down Simmons from behind, violently
GRIF:It's every man for himself!
SIMMONS:Son of a bitch!
SARGE:Stand down, Private! That money is mine!
Sarge starts shooting at Grif, and Caboose rolls up in a tank
WASHINGTON:Let me guess, you wanna win too.
CABOOSE:Win what in the whose now?
Caboose rolls forward towards the Reds
SARGE:What in blue blazes? Incoming enemy forces!
WASHINGTON:Well, practice makes perfect.
Wash fires into the Reds
GRIF:Look out!


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 4: Heavy Mettle

Fade in to Caboose wandering all by his onesome
CABOOSE:Depression. Loneliness. Confusion. Slight indigestion. Oh Church! Oh I miss you so much! Who is supposed to be my best friend while you are gone? May-uh Tucker? That guy isn't even a shade of blue. Like a... aqua.
Something snaps somewhere ...and that doesn't refer to anyone's sanity this time
CABOOSE:Hello? Uhm, who's there? Tucker is that you? Agent Washington? Hello?
His voice echos from the hole he approached
CABOOSE'S ECHO:Hello?
CABOOSE:Oh; that was just me. That was stupid. Have a nice day.
CABOOSE'S ECHO:Thanks you too.
CABOOSE:Well I am a very pleasant person.
Something falls somewhere
CABOOSE:Okay me, you can cut it out now. This is getting a little silly.
He approaches
CABOOSE:Hch! Hello.
Cut to Tucker and Wash standing next to a cone
WASHINGTON:Tucker, in basic training, there's a point when the drill sargeant attempts to break his or her soldiers, so that they may overcome their civilian mindset and focus on the responsibility, and selflessness of becoming a true soldier.
TUCKER:Uh, bro, I went through Basic ages ago. True soldier, standin' right here.
WASHINGTON:What is the UNSC motto?
TUCKER:When in doubt, rub one out.
WASHINGTON:I am going, to break you, Private Tucker.
TUCKER:Oooh, I'm shaking in my armor.
WASHINGTON:Inside this tunnel is an elaborate obstacle course designed to test both your reflexes, and your mettle.
TUCKER:Uhh, like, copper?
WASHINGTON:No that's metal; I said mettle.
TUCKER:Whatever.
WASHINGTON:On your mark, get set...
TUCKER:This is such bull-
Wash shoots Tucker in the ass
TUCKER:-shit! Ohow, okay, I'm going.
He runs in and jumps over a sandbag wall
TUCKER:Hup!
He runs past and shoots at some cones on a wall
TUCKER:Stupid fucking cones.
He swords his way through a wood barricade
TUCKER:Woop.
He encounters several mines
TUCKER:Jesus Christ.
Bullets stream past him, some of which hit him in the helmet
TUCKER:Oh my God where is this coming from?
He runs past a desert scene with cliffs and tanks and airships
TUCKER:Who are these people!?
He drives in a jeep down a hallway
TUCKER:What the fuck is going on?
He exits between two cones to the sound of a briefly ringing bell
TUCKER:Huh, huh, hchuh, huh huh...
WASHINGTON:Congratulations Private, that time was, ...adequate, for a, beginner.
TUCKER:I, what was- hguh, I don't-
WASHINGTON:Just an adrenaline rush Tucker, it'll wear off.
TUCKER:I'm, I'm...
WASHINGTON:Shaking in your armor?
Caboose enters
CABOOSE:Oh boy oh boy oh hello, hello.
Caboose wanders seemingly aimlessly, whispering to himself
WASHINGTON:Caboose, glad to see you're feeling better, I've got a little exercise for you. Inside this cave is an elaborate obstacle course designed to-
Caboose enters, something explodes, and he exits the other side almost immediately
CABOOSE:Okay now that was fun how'd I do so good now no more questions thank you goodbye!
WASHINGTON:...I think that's enough training for today.
TUCKER:Yeah.
WASHINGTON:Uh, I'm, gonna go work on the comm tower.
TUCKER:Yeah.
Cut to Grif and Simmons inside their half of the base
SIMMONS:Hey, roomie, uh, you got a second for me?
GRIF:'Sup?
SIMMONS:Oh you know, not much, not much uh, oh so- question for you.
GRIF:Uh huh.
SIMMONS:By any chance, you know have you seen my toothbrush?
GRIF:Uhh, I don't think so.
SIMMONS:Uhokay, okay, uh, you sure?
GRIF:Yeah.
SIMMONS:Huhh, 'cause you know I'm pretty sure I saw you with it earlier.
GRIF:Dude, you're acting weird.
SIMMONS:Mm what? What do you mean?
GRIF:I mean, clearly you're accusing me of using your toothbrush, but instead of just coming out and saying it, you're being really passive-aggressive and tip-toeing around the accusation.
SIMMONS:Huh.
GRIF:You did the same thing when I left the lights on, and when I put my boots on your side of the room.
SIMMONS:Mmhmm?
GRIF:And I feel like there's this constant tension growing between us? That's inevitably going to erupt, over what would normally be considered a small issue.
SIMMONS:Yeah, well... you know I wouldn't be asking you about my toothbrush if I hadn't seen you with it earlier.
GRIF:I used your toothbrush.
SIMMONS:You FUCK!
Simmons points his gun at Grif
GRIF:Dude what's wrong with you!?
SIMMONS:What's wrong with me, what's wrong with you? You keep stacking dishes in the sink. I don't even think you've eaten off of some of them. For all I know you're doing it because you're fucking bored.
GRIF:Wait, isn't the sink just where dishes go?
SIMMONS:NO, they go in the cupboard!
GRIF:We have a cupboard?
Sarge enters stage left, on his side of the room
SARGE:Hey, keep it down in there! I'm tryin' to watch my stories.
SIMMONS:Sarge, please, tear down the wall. I can't take Grif's laziness in small spaces!
SARGE:I'm sorry Simmons, but we all have to make sacrifices. Except for me because I'm in charge.
GRIF:Hey Simmons? This probably isn't the best time to say this, but uh, we're out of toilet paper.
SIMMONS:What? How?
Turns out somebody TP'd the tank
GRIF:I don't know.
WASHINGTON:M-hm-hm- I believe you borrowed my toolbox.
SIMMONS:What do you need a toolbox for?
WASHINGTON:Repairing the comm tower. I know you three are having fun, playing house, but I'd really rather leave this place.
SARGE:Playing house? Son, this is a highly-
Sarge walks over the sandbags, then realizes his mistake
SARGE:Whoops, forgot to use the door. Doo do-doo doo doo.
WASHINGTON:The toolbox.
GRIF:Upstairs.
WASHINGTON:Show me.
GRIF:Huhhh. Fine. But don't touch any of my stuff.
WASHINGTON:Auh, this place is a pigsty.
GRIF:It's not a pigsty Wash, it's a way of life.
SIMMONS:Hey Sarge, didn't we recover an old robot building kit from the crash?
SARGE:Sure did. Makes a great footrest. I like to prop my feet up while I'm watching my stories.
SIMMONS:Well, if we were to repurpose the robot's radio transmitter for the comm tower, we might be able to-
SARGE:Simmons, I'm gonna have to stop you before your terrible plan becomes any more terrible.
SIMMONS:Ohw.
SARGE:Fortunately, I believe we may be able to use this robot kit to build some sort of robot. We can put it to work constructing a radio transmitter. And then the comm tower will be fixed in no time!
...I swear Burnie, if Lopez comes back...
SIMMONS:But- don't you think it would be better if-
SARGE:Not at all, let's build a robot.
SIMMONS:I hate them.
WASHINGTON:Are those my socks?
GRIF:Yeah, but you probably don't want those back.
SIMMONS:I hate all of them.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 5: A Real Fixer Upper

Fade in to Wash working on the comm tower, and Tucker standing near him
TUCKER:I'm just saying, I feel like someone should have found us by now.
WASHINGTON:Hm.
TUCKER:You know it's like, if a plane crashes and disappears, that's fine, civilians, whatever.
WASHINGTON:Not sure if I agree with you on that.
TUCKER:But this was a fucking spaceship. That's like, national tragedy level important.
WASHINGTON:It was a big ship.
TUCKER:And what about GPS? The Galactic Positioning System should've been able to inform Command of our location within seconds of a mayday.
WASHINGTON:How, do you know that?
TUCKER:Uh...
Cut to Tucker on the bridge of a ship
CREWMAN:And the Galactic Positioning System would be able to inform command of our location within seconds of a mayday, so even if the ship were to crash, rescue would be practically immediate. Isn't that rad?
TUCKER:Cool, nerd stuff. Hey, smerg alert, is it just me or is that blonde over there checking me out?
CREWMAN:Who, the pilot?
TUCKER:Yeah, she's definitely checking me out.
CREWMAN:Wait, you can't go over there!
TUCKER:Hey baby, I hear you're a pilot. Think you could, pull up on my throttle? Bow chicka bow wow-
Klaxons and red lights go off
Cut back to Wash and Tucker
TUCKER:I read it in a book?
WASHINGTON:I don't believe you. Then again I don't really care.
TUCKER:Whew.
WASHINGTON:Hey-
TUCKER:Whoa whoa what? Nothing.
WASHINGTON:What, happened to my soldering iron?
TUCKER:Oh. Uh, I don't know.
WASHINGTON:Dammit! This would be going, so much faster, if I didn't have to keep tracking down equipment every five minutes.
TUCKER:What do you think the Reds took it?
Wash cocks his gun and impersonates Sarge
WASHINGTON:Men, it appears our shitty fortifications aren't meeting my ridiculous standards. Let's steal Washington's tank, and fire at our walls; that'll fix it.
TUCKER:...
WASHINGTON:Yes, I think the Reds took it.
TUCKER:Man, why are you so wound up all the time?
WASHINGTON:Because every second we're here is another second closer to death. Or worse.
TUCKER:What's worse than death?
WASHINGTON:I, don't know, I just thought it sounded dramatic.
TUCKER:Come on, it's not that bad. I mean if we were back in Blood Gulch, we'd be doing the exact same shit, you know?
WASHINGTON:There's just something about this place. I can't help but feel like we're being watched.
TUCKER:Oh please, people get that feeling all the time. I had it for years.
WASHINGTON:But that's because you were being watched. You were monitored by a secret organization for every second, of every day.
TUCKER:Well I don't feel like I'm being watched now.
WASHINGTON:Thank you, I feel much more secure.
TUCKER:Don't be a dick.
WASHINGTON:Then don't be an idiot.
TUCKER:The fuck is your problem?
WASHINGTON:My problem, is that you're absolutely right. Somebody should have found us by now. Now where the hell is that Goddamn soldering iron?
Cut to Caboose crouched in the dark
CABOOSE:Boy you're lucky I came by. What is a little fella like you doin' way out here?
The sound of something cracking happens
CABOOSE:Hey... no moving. Have to get you out of here first. Don't worry... we're gonna be best friends.
Cut to the Reds at their base
SIMMONS:You're an idiot.
GRIF:Am I Simmons, or am I just a man who's willing to ask the hard questions?
SIMMONS:You're definitely an idiot.
SARGE:You're both idiots. Now keep it down, I'm tryin' to focus.
Sarge is working on the robot
GRIF:Terminator; The Matrix; Battlestar Galactica; everything points to robot domination of the human race!
SIMMONS:Well technically some Cylons relied more on synthetic biology and not conventional robotics, but that was only in the series reboot. And you know those are pretty rare.
GRIF:Fine, then Wall-E. It doesn't matter. I just think it's strange that we're not already bowing down to our robot overlords.
SIMMONS:I'm a cyborg, you wanna bow down to me?
GRIF:Pass.
SIMMONS:Fuck you meatsack, your logic is flawed.
GRIF:You are the biggest fucking nerd. You know that right, I mean you really know that?
SIMMONS:You must construct additional pylons. Rrr-wrr-rrr
SARGE:Well Optimus Prime's knuckle, I think we're in business.
The robot stands up straight
SARGE:Ladies, I would like to introduce you to the newest addition to Red Team.
SIMMONS:Can it, talk?
ROBOT:...Hola.
CAPTION:Hello.
SIMMONS:You've got to be kidding!
GRIF:Oh come on!
Fucking Burnie... well, I guess I have some people to kill
SARGE:Huh. That is an unfortunate coincidence.
GRIF:Spanish. Why is it fucking Spanish? Why not French, or German? Or Sangeli?
Because fuck us all, that's why
ROBOT:Lo siento. ¿Mi lección de idion no complacerte? Mi configuración del sistema actualmente se establecen en Español.
CAPTION:I'm sorry. Does my language choice not please you? My system settings are currently set to Spanish.
SARGE:Heh heh, you know, it almost feels like the good ol' days. Just me, a Spanish-speaking robot, and a couple of complete idiots.
SIMMONS:You're talking about Grif and Donut, right?
GRIF:Thanks dickhead.
SARGE:Lopez Dos-Point-Oh, it's good to have you aboard.
LOPEZ DOS:Gracias Maestro. Es mi deber-
CAPTION:Thank you Master. It's my duty to--
SARGE:Now get to work, slacker!
LOPEZ DOS:¿Perdón?
CAPTION:Excuse me?
SARGE:Comm tower. Middle of the canyon. Repairo, los rapido.
GRIF:It's Spanish Sarge, not Harry Potter.
LOPEZ DOS:Sueno como si usted tiene algun equipo que está en necesidad de reparación. ¿Eso es correcto?
CAPTION:It sounds as if you have some equipment that's in need of repair. Is that correct?
SARGE:Hm. He's not doing anything.
GRIF:Maybe he's stupid.
SARGE:Robot! Do you, understand, us? Comprehende?
LOPEZ DOS:Sí.
CAPTION:Yes.
SIMMONS:Well, he knows what we're saying, so I guess he's just stupid.
LOPEZ DOS:Les puedo asegurar estoy realizando en una encima de la media-
CAPTION:I can assure you, I am performing at an above average--
SARGE:Uh, poor stupid Lopez Dos-Point-Oh. Well, let's just take him over to the comm tower.
GRIF:Why? He's a moron.
SARGE:Yep, but maybe he'll end up being like a Rainman-type moron. We could get him one of those grey suits.
LOPEZ DOS:Haré mi mejor esfuerzo para servirle a usted amo.
CAPTION:I will do my best to serve you.
SIMMONS:Hh, what a shame.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 6: S.O.S.

Fade in to loud thumping noises coming from Caboose's cave
CABOOSE:It's alive. It's alive! It- aw it's dead. ...Now it's alive again! Oh great tha now it glows.
Cut to Wash working on the tower, and Tucker on the ground near it
TUCKER:Okay how 'bout now?
WASHINGTON:...Nothing.
TUCKER:Hold on... okay, try it again.
WASHINGTON:...Still nothing.
TUCKER:Balls.
WASHINGTON:Hey what exactly are you doing down there?
TUCKER:Oh you know- calibrating.
WASHINGTON:...Calibrating.
TUCKER:Yeah.
WASHINGTON:You haven't done anything have you.
TUCKER:Dude, I don't know what I'm doing, or why you sent me down here.
WASHINGTON:Right. Guess I should have expected that.
TUCKER:Hey Wash, I think we've got a situation.
WASHINGTON:What kind of-
Wash looks down and sees the Reds all next to Tucker
WASHINGTON:Oh.
GRIF:Good to see you too.
WASHINGTON:What do you want?
SARGE:Figured it'd be a good idea to come over and lend a hand.
WASHINGTON:No, that's a terrible idea. Please, don't touch anything.
SIMMONS:But we could provide tech support.
SARGE:Have you tried usin' any D-batteries.
WASHINGTON:Power isn't our problem. These battery arrays are solar.
SARGE:Well there's your problem, this baby needs to be converted to diesel on the pronto!
WASHINGTON:Solar is field standard for communication systems.
SARGE:Well ooh-la-la Private Hippie. Hey, I got an idea: why don't we just plant a garden then? Grow some more canyon sun-dried tomatoes, and open a Farmer's Market. Then on the first Saturday of the month, when the UNSC chefs show up to buy some fresh sustainable produce, we just hop on board and ride back on the power of love.
WASHINGTON:Tucker, if they touch anything, or if he makes any more suggestions, pry them with your sword.
TUCKER:Ha ha, now that's something I can get behind. Bow chicka bow w- wait, no. No no no no no.
SARGE:Fine, then I guess you don't want any help from our incredibly advanced robotic companion.
LOPEZ DOS:Hola.
CAPTION:Hello.
WASHINGTON:Nnnope!
GRIF:Racist.
SARGE:Hey tree-hugger: what if I told you it runs on recycled cooking grease? It's perfect, Grif sweats the stuff.
GRIF:What else was I supposed to drink once we ran out of soda?
SIMMONS:There's always water.
GRIF:Please, what are we, cavemen?
WASHINGTON:I said no.
LOPEZ DOS:¿Seguro que no quieres ayuda? Esto parece ser una solución relevantemente simple.
CAPTION:Are you sure you don't want help? This looks like a relatively simple fix.
TUCKER:Whoa, is that Lopez?
SIMMONS:Not exactly. This one isn't very smart.
LOPEZ DOS:Enserio chicos. Estoy buscando en el problema. Yo puedo arreglarlo ahora.
CAPTION:Seriously, guys. I'm looking at the problem. I can fix it right now.
TUCKER:How can you tell?
SARGE:Oh, a mother knows.
LOPEZ DOS:Bueno si nadie me va a parar voy a arreglar se torre de radio.
CAPTION:Okay, if nobody is going to stop me I'm going to fix your radio tower.
WASHINGTON:Why don't you three go check on our food supply. It's been a while since I've done a full inventory.
SIMMONS:You can't just shove your bitch work on us. What do we look like?
TUCKER:Uh... bitches?
WASHINGTON:Tucker, I want one hundred squats.
TUCKER:What? But it was leg day yesterday!
WASHINGTON:You're a space marine, Private; every day is leg day.
TUCKER:...This is bullshit.
Tucker starts doing squats
GRIF:Hah, who's the bitch now?
TUCKER:Your sister was my bitch if I remember correctly.
GRIF:What did you say to me bitch?
WASHINGTON:No-one, is a bitch, now both of you be quiet.
GRIF:Simmons is kind of a bitch.
SIMMONS:Hey what the fuck!?
SARGE:Ah can it Private Bitch.
SIMMONS:Yes Sir.
 AND  GRIF:Bitch.
WASHINGTON:I said, be quiet!
Wash hits the radio and it starts working
GRIF:Ho, lee, shit.
WASHINGTON:It's working, I- I don't know what I did but it's working.
LOPEZ DOS:¡Camaradas! ¡He reparado la torre de radio! ¿Estás satisfeco con mi actuación?
CAPTION:Comrades! I have repaired the radio tower! Are you pleased with my performance?
SARGE:Lopez, you're ruining the moment.
WASHINGTON:Mayday, mayday, this is Agent Washington, can anybody read me, over.
GRIF:...Maybe they're screening our calls.
SIMMONS:What do you mean 'they,' who is 'they?'
GRIF:I don't know, people who know us?
TUCKER:What?
GRIF:Look, I wouldn't pick up the phone if any of you fuckers called me.
WASHINGTON:Mayday, mayday, we are survivors of a shipwreck and are in need of immediate rescue, please respond.
TUCKER:Don't call them back right away, you gotta wait or else you'll look desperate.
SIMMONS:But we are desperate.
WASHINGTON:Everyone shut up!
GRIF:Whoa.
WASHINGTON:Mayday mayday, this is Agent Washington and the Red and Blue troopers of Project Freelancer. We are stranded, does anyone copy?
WASHINGTON:Mayday this is Agent Washington, I am a soldier.
WASHINGTON:Is anybody out there?
WASHINGTON:Can anybody hear me?
RADIO VOICE:(muffled) Hello, is somebody there?
WASHINGTON:Yes! Yes we're here, do you read us?
RADIO VOICE:Hello? Is this a prank call?
WASHINGTON:No no no, this is real. Please you have to listen to me, my men and I are shipwrecked.
SIMMONS:It's an emergency!
GRIF:Blackhawk down!
SARGE:Code red!
RADIO VOICE:What like a lightish red?
TUCKER:...What the fuck did he just say?
RADIO VOICE:'Cause I mean, red has a pretty broad spectrum. There's scarlet, vermillion, like a deep burgundy.
SARGE:Donut, is that you?
Because fucking of course
DONUT:Sarge? Oh hey guys! What have you all been up to?
SARGE:We're stranded in the middle of the jungle with dwindling food and limited supplies.
DONUT:That sucks.
GRIF:No shit dickhead!
SARGE:Donut, I need you to listen to me. You need to send help! Call Command.
DONUT:Command? I think I know a guy if you wanna turn this call into a three-way.
SARGE:No! Don't do that. I need you to write down these coordinates.
Wash backs away and starts talking to the other guys instead of Donut
WASHINGTON:Who is Donut again?
SIMMONS:Cheery guy, pink armor?
GRIF:Kind of stupid.
TUCKER:And a little...
WASHINGTON:Wait did I shoot him once?
GRIF:Bingo.
WASHINGTON:Got it. ...And he's competent enough to trust with our lives?
DONUT:Sorry, did you say five, or nine?
SARGE:I said eight.
DONUT:Oh.
WASHINGTON:Right. Okay, Donut- those are our last known coordinates, but be sure to let the rescue team know that we've got no clue where we actually landed.
DONUT:Don't worry guys. No matter how deep the bush, Private Donut always finds his man.
WASHINGTON AND  SARGE:...
SARGE:Roger that, son.
The signal starts to fade
DONUT:What was that? You're breaking up!
WASHINGTON:Just send help as fast as you can.
DONUT:Okey dokey!
The radio signal dies entirely
GRIF:So, what happened?
SARGE:Well boys, I don't wanna jinx this or anything like that but... we're gonna be rescued!
GRIF:Woohoo! Woohoo!
TUCKER:Alright! Kickass!
SIMMONS:Yeah! Yeah real good, I can't wait to eat a hot dog!
WASHINGTON:Guys-
SARGE:There's no possible way anything could go wrong! Everything is going to be good forever!
Simmons jumps up and down and Tucker drives the jeep in donuts
SIMMONS:Forever's a long time too the end of days!
TUCKER:Yay!
GRIF:Everything in the past to go by tells me that's too good to be true but fuck it I'm excited anyway.
WASHINGTON:Guys, it could still be a few days before they-
SARGE:Let's eat all our food rations tonight, and then fire all of our excess ammunition indescriminately into the air to celebrate!
Everyone present except Wash fires into the air
SIMMONS:Yeah, just like Al-Qaeda did it!
GRIF:I already did it last week!
SIMMONS:And then, let's fix up that old Warthog that's been hanging near our base.
GRIF AND  TUCKER:Hah-y, what?
SIMMONS:So that we can crash it into the other Warthog, because fuck it!
TUCKER:Yeah!
SARGE:Yeaho!
GRIF:Yeahah, oh yeah, yeah violence.
WASHINGTON:Listen, let's not get our hopes up just yet.
TUCKER:Aw come on Wash, lighten up. We did it, we made contact.
WASHINGTON:Well... it is the first good news that we've had in a while.
Caboose runs up
CABOOSE:Heuh, heuh... hey everyone!
WASHINGTON:Caboose! Where've you been?
CABOOSE:Yeah, I went on a walk like you said. And now, everything is gonna be good, forever!
SARGE:Told ya so.
WASHINGTON:Wait, Caboose, you were miserable, what happened?
CABOOSE:Ah heh, well where are my manners? I haven't even introduced him.
WASHINGTON:Introduced who?
CABOOSE:Freckles! Come! *whistle*
Giant metal feet approach, and are revealed to be a giant killer robot
CABOOSE:Everyone, I would like you to meet Freckles! Freckles- say hello.
FRECKLES:Enemy soldiers detected.
Freckles is zeroing in on the Reds
CABOOSE:No those aren't enemies Freckles, those are Grif and Simmons. Our enemy.
FRECKLES:Firing main cannons.
CABOOSE:No! Bad Freckles! Down.
FRECKLES:Yes, Master Blue.
CABOOSE:Bad Freckles. So- what're you guys up to?
GRIF:Eueueuh... euh...
Cut to some remote jungle
WASHINGTON:Mayday mayday, this is Agent Washington and the Red and Blue troopers of Project Freelancer. We are stranded, does anyone copy? ... Mayday this is Agent Washington, I am a soldier. Is anybody out there? Can anybody hear me?
The camera pans down to reveal somebody listening


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 7: Can I Keep It?

Fade in to the Blues and Freckles inside Blue Base
TUCKER:So...
Freckles turns to face Tucker
TUCKER:Never mind.
WASHINGTON:Caboose...
Freckles turns to face Washington
WASHINGTON:Tell me again, where did you find, this... robot?
CABOOSE:His name is Freckles.
TUCKER:That's a stupid name.
Freckles turns to Tucker
TUCKER:Stupid-cool I mean, great name! I mean, I wish that were my name! Yeah, Freckles is the best name ever that there ever was.
WASHINGTON:Technically it's a Mantis Class Military Assault Droid.
TUCKER:Wait, why Mantis?
WASHINGTON:Well, you see those legs? They kind of resemble the legs of a preying mantis.
TUCKER:No they don't.
WASHINGTON:Then, maybe it's the head shape?
TUCKER:Yeah, maybe because during the act of procreation they rip off the head off their mate's body and devour it? It's like an act of sexual cannibalism.
WASHINGTON:Euh, what?
TUCKER:Eh, I've dated worse.
CABOOSE:Yeah, I call him Freckles because of the spots on his nose.
TUCKER:Well shit, actually I have to give it to Caboose on this one. Robot definitely looks more like a Freckles than a Mantis.
WASHINGTON:Fine. Where did you find, Freckles?
CABOOSE:Well, I was walking, and I was sad, and I missed Church...
TUCKER:This is the greatest story of our generation.
WASHINGTON:Quiet.
CABOOSE:And then I heard a noise...
TUCKER:Seriously, it's like I was there.
WASHINGTON:Tucker.
CABOOSE:Yeah then I saw the little guy under like pieces of rock, and spaceship, and body parts- I had to move those out of the way, and then there he was! And now we're best friends forever, right Freckles?
FRECKLES:Affirmative, Caboose.
TUCKER:Great. Boy meets dog, dog turns out to be a Military-grade killing machine from a crashed spaceship.
WASHINGTON:Caboose. Um, you know, a pet is a lot of responsibility.
CABOOSE:That is why I will water him and I will feed him every day.
TUCKER:Water and feed? What the hell does this thing run on?
CABOOSE:It runs on the power of the friendship of our love.
TUCKER:This is so fucked up.
WASHINGTON:Didn't you give birth to a baby alien a few years back?
TUCKER:Whoahoa, let's not bring family into this.
CABOOSE:So, what fun adventures are we going to go on today Freckles?
TUCKER:Hah-I'm not doing shit. We're getting rescued soon, remember?
WASHINGTON:Actually, I think it would be smart if we continued with our training routine.
TUCKER:What- why, there's no point!
WASHINGTON:Training is an ongoing process, Tucker. And as the leader of this team, I wanna make sure that we're ready for anything.
TUCKER:This is fucking stupid. Nothing has happened since we crashed here.
WASHINGTON:Well, you never know if someone...
Wash and Freckles look at each other
WASHINGTON:-or something, will attack. So stop complaining, and start jogging.
TUCKER:And where are you going?
WASHINGTON:I'm heading out to the ship. Someone needs to do an inventory of our food supplies. I'd prefer it be someone who can count.
CABOOSE:I only screwed up twice.
WASHINGTON:You screwed up once.
CABOOSE:Yeah but I don't see your point.
TUCKER:So you're just gonna leave me with them?
WASHINGTON:Five laps gentlemen. Tucker, make sure you count for Caboose.
TUCKER:Yeah right.
FRECKLES:Disregarding a direct order from a commanding officer is punishable by death.
TUCKER:What? Since when?
FRECKLES:Target locked.
TUCKER:God dammit, okay I'm going.
CABOOSE:And who wants to go outside!? Who wants to go outside? Who wants to go outside- Freckles do you want to go outside? Outside, who wants to go outside? Do I wanna go outside? Why do I want to go outside? Let's all go outside.
Cut to Caboose and Freckles in exactly the same orientation but outside
CABOOSE:Oh my God we're here!
Cut to a scope view of Caboose and Freckles
CABOOSE:I'm really good at this game!
Cut to Sarge looking through a sniper rifle
SARGE:Kuh- backstabbers.
Cut to Grif staring up into the air
SIMMONS:Hey asshole, would it kill you to take out the trash for once?
GRIF:Simmons, I've been thinking.
SIMMONS:I don't care, take out the fucking trash.
GRIF:Why do we carry our guns?
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:Our guns. Why do we carry 'em?
SIMMONS:Because we're soldiers.
GRIF:Yeah, but we're not really fighting anybody are we.
SIMMONS:Well, yeah, but you never know when we could be attacked.
GRIF:Attacked by who, the Blues?
SIMMONS:Uh...
GRIF:We haven't fought a single goddamn enemy since arriving in this canyon. And yet here we are walking around in full body armor with a rifle in our hands, like the fucking galaxy's about to attack us any second.
SIMMONS:What's your point?
GRIF:My point is, why don't we ever just walk around without our guns?
SIMMONS:...
GRIF:Dude.
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:Drop your gun.
SIMMONS:No.
GRIF:Why not?
SIMMONS:I don't want to.
GRIF:You don't want to, or you can't?
SIMMONS:Um, I'm, I'm going back inside.
GRIF:And thus Dexter Grif single-handedly avoids trash duty for the second day in a row. Hoo-rah.
SARGE:Men, fall in, double time! This is not a drill!
GRIF:What the hell?
SIMMONS:I knew there was a reason we were armed!
Red Team Assemble!
SIMMONS:Sarge, what's wrong?
SARGE:What's wrong- what's wrong!? How about scheming, traiting, conniving, commiserating, calooting, take your pick! Also, building a giant robot. Those Blues are up to no good!
GRIF:And here I was thinking something important was about to happen.
SIMMONS:But Sir, didn't we build a robot first?
LOPEZ DOS:¿Ustedes hablan de mí?
CAPTION:You guys talking about me?
SARGE:Dos-Point-Oh doesn't count, he's about as useless as a box full of Grifs.
GRIF:Hey, I'm offended.
LOPEZ DOS:Oh... Bien.
CAPTION:Oh.. ...Okay.
SARGE:Men, I know we've considered the Blues to be our, quote "allies" unquote, for some time now. But we have to look at facts.
SIMMONS:What facts?
SARGE:Number one: they now possess a tank on legs that's capable of killing us all.
SIMMONS:Okay.
SARGE:And number two is that we didn't have our own number one first! Clearly this is a conspiracy.
GRIF:So what do you expect us to do about it?
SARGE:I need you boys to conduct some reconnaissance. Secure intel, get deep in Charlie's bush. Initiate Delta Force, Tango and Cash!
GRIF:Are these orders or '80s acion movies?
SARGE:Find out exactly what those pesky Blues are up to.
SIMMONS:You mean go over there? Near that monster?
GRIF:See, this is exactly the kind of robot overlord shit I was talking about. If only someone had listened!
SARGE:It'll be dangerous, but I have confidence that at least one of you will survive. Simmons.
GRIF:Why aren't you coming?
SARGE:We've had a major breech in security. One of the bags in the wall tore open, and now there's sand all over the place.
GRIF:I can see how that might take priority.
SARGE:Hehh, it's likely that we'll never fully recover. There's just so many tiny crevices!
SIMMONS:Sarge please, I don't want to upset the Mantis.
GRIF:What's a Mantis?
SIMMONS:The giant robot.
GRIF:Oh. Why is it called that?
SIMMONS:I don't know, 'cause it's green? That's not the point.
SARGE:Well that's not a very good reason to call it a Mantis.
LOPEZ DOS:Tal vez lo llaman Mantis ya que tiene un sistema de camuflaje avanzado que utiliza para atrapar enemigos.
CAPTION:Perhaps they call it Mantis because it has an advanced camouflage system that it uses to ensnare enemies.
SARGE:Whatever dumb-dumb. Can't you see we're talking strategy?
GRIF:Stupid new Lopez.
SIMMONS:Look, the Blues are no more dangerous than this idiot.
LOPEZ DOS:Oye... vamos chicos. Ya basta.
CAPTION:Hey... come on, guys. Cut it out.
SIMMONS:But that robot could flatten us in an instant.
SARGE:You raise an excellent point, Simmons.
SIMMONS:I do?
SARGE:Yep. So you'd better not get spotted while you're out there.
GRIF:Heuhhhh... let's just get this over with.
SIMMONS:But I'm telling you the Blues aren't up to anything!
Cut to Wash walking through the ship, right past the sign that says Food Refrigeration / Storage
WASHINGTON:Alright... change of plans...


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Blockbuster

Fade in to the Blues, the Mantis, and Sarge approaching
SARGE:Eh-hem. Hey Blues. I think it's time we all had ourselves a little talk.
TUCKER:If this is the sex talk, I'd love to make a contribution to the discussion.
SARGE:This is not the sex talk.
TUCKER:Oh.
SARGE:Me and the boys have been talkin', and we think now is the right time to make our big move!
WASHINGTON:What are you talking about?
SARGE:Gentlemen, it's high time we made a Red vs. Blue movie!
WASHINGTON:But, we do that every year.
SARGE:No, not some straight to DVD nonsense - I'm talking about a genuine summer blockbuster!
TUCKER:Hey I like the sound o' that.
WASHINGTON:Okay... What did you have in mind, what's the story?
SARGE:Hheh heh. Story? I said "blockbuster," Spielberg. Story should be the last thing on our minds.
WASHINGTON:Then what's it going to be about?
SARGE:Excellent question, Unit Production Manager Washington. Which is why I've taken this moment, to prepare an incredibly expensive, cinematic movie trailer! Lopez, get the lights.
Lopez lowers the lights and a Red Band trailer screen comes up, then the trailer begins
Studio card says NON MEA CULPA with Caboose looking back and forth
CABOOSE:Hello.
Studio card fades out, fade in to dramatic music and a shot behind Grif and Simmons
GRIF:Hey.
SIMMONS:Yeah?
GRIF:You ever wonder why we're here?
Cut to Sarge walking across a desolate plain
SARGE:It's funny - I ask myself the same question every day.
WASHINGTON:The world is changing, gentlemen. I'm just the man suggesting we change it in our favour.
THIS SUMMER
SARGE:My Pappy once told me: Son, don't ever, ever, ever trust a Blue.
CABOOSE:Did you believe him?
FROM THE MAKERS OF RED VS. BLUE
DONUT:Sarge! Sarge!
SARGE:I'm here son.
Donut's on the radio
DONUT:Sarge, there's people at the door. They're trying to get in! They have blue armor.
SARGE:My God.
Sounds of things breaking
TUCKER:There he is!
CABOOSE:Get him!
DONUT:I'm scared!
Several short shots behind Sarge's next lines
SARGE:This ain't the same game any more. They've changed the rules.
Cut to Sarge and Grif by a Warthog
GRIF:We've gotta do something.
SARGE:Son, the only thing I've gotta do is stay red, and die.
ONE MAN
SIMMONS:Our people need a hero. Someone's who's brave and also handsome.
ONE MISSION
WASHINGTON:Who is this guy?
TUCKER:He's a nobody, a loser.
WASHINGTON:Then why haven't you stopped him?
ONE EPIC MOVIE
GRIF:He loves blood and violence. He's got a boner for murder. And he's coming for you.
Caboose addressing the Blue Army
CABOOSE:We are the Blue Army! We are the antagonists of this film!
Wash and Sarge circling each other with swords
WASHINGTON:You think you can win? You think this story has a happy ending? I will break you!
Simmons over Grif's fallen body
SIMMONS:Noooooooooooooooo!
Other random scenes for each line
GRIF:They've got a tank!
SARGE:We've got to steal the Declaration of Independence!
CABOOSE:The secret code is "The Mona Lisa!"
WASHINGTON:Kill him!
SARGE:It's over, Washington!
WASHINGTON:No. This, is only the beginning.
SARGE (a red vs. blue movie)
Grif standing peacefully
GRIF:It's two bases in the middle of a box canyon. How bad could it be?
Freckles appears and starts shooting
Credits slate
SARGE:Euh. Stupid Grif.
Back to real life. Lopez puts the lights back on
SARGE:So, is that an Oscar winner or what?
WASHINGTON:Was that...? How, did you, get me, in the, trailer?
Grif and Simmons are revealed, with Grif roughly in Wash's colours, and Simmons in Caboose blue with maroon accents
GRIF:Ah hem. It's called acting, Wash? You should try it some time.
WASHINGTON:I'm going to burn your camera equipment.
SARGE:Wait, we're not done with principal photography! We're not even done with vice principal photography!
SIMMONS:But guys, this isn't just a movie - this is our calling. Our mission, our-
SARGE:Shut up Simmons!
SIMMONS:Hehh... yes Sir.
CABOOSE:Uh Freckles? Was that you at the end of the movie trailer?
FRECKLES:He said he was going to make me a star.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 8: The Grass Is Greener. The Blues Are Bluer

Fade in to Caboose trying to train Freckles
CABOOSE:Go Freckles, go Freckles go down. Like this!
Caboose squats and stands up, and Freckles does the same
CABOOSE:Yes! That's a good Freckles! Yes, yes Tucker, yes did you see it? Freckles did a squat!
Tucker's doing squats too
TUCKER:Great. Now teach him to fetch. And then throw a stick off a cliff.
CABOOSE:Aw he knows how to fetch. Freckles! Freckles! Get the ball!
Caboose throws a ball
FRECKLES:Acquiring target.
Freckles shoots the ball in mid-air
CABOOSE:Uh, see that, that was just, that was just poor phrasing on my part, really. Mean I was just, I- I think I was just grammatically, g- it was grammatically incorrect, so.
Cut to Simmons and Grif atop a hill observing them
GRIF:Alright, we made it.
SIMMONS:Yeah. So uh, what do we do now?
GRIF:I guess we just, watch 'em?
SIMMONS:Pshew... toh! toh! toh! toh!... so, this is a waste of time, right? I mean they're not actually plotting anything.
GRIF:I don't know man, but watching two dudes exercise is making me feel really weird.
SIMMONS:Kawh, this isn't getting us anywhere.
GRIF:Well why don't you just ask them what they're up to?
SIMMONS:What, and blow our cover?
GRIF:What do we look like, Seal Team 6? Who gives a shit dude, you already said they're not up to anything.
SIMMONS:But what about the robot?
GRIF:Oh, yeah.
SIMMONS:See, we need to strategize.
GRIF:Okay, fine, how do we wanna do this?
SIMMONS:...Oh, we could do like a sort of good cop bad cop thing.
GRIF:What if we act casual, like we're just shooting the shit or something.
SIMMONS:Maybe, if we go in, guns blazing, we can intimidate them into telling us what we want.
GRIF:Wait... what do we want?
SIMMONS:...I don't know.
TUCKER:Hey.
SIMMONS:Guh!
TUCKER:What are you doing?
SIMMONS:Alright, listen Tucker, I wanted to hear you out, but my partner is crazy! I can't hold him back!
TUCKER:What?
SIMMONS:I mean hey what's up? How's the weather? No wait I mean tell me what you know! ...I'm sorry.
GRIF:That's some solid detective work there Officer Simmons.
TUCKER:Yeah, so if you guys could not watch us work out, that'd be great, 'cause it's a little weird.
GRIF:It's really weird.
SIMMONS:Sarge ordered us to come spy on you, he thinks you're up to something.
TUCKER:Dude, the only thing I've done today is exercise.
GRIF:Heuhh, you poor tortured soul.
SIMMONS:What're you training for?
TUCKER:Fuck if I know, every day it's the same thing. Wake up- run drills. Clean the base- run drills. Maintain order- run drills. I have glamorous calfs and a miserable fucking life! Can we please stop running drills!?
GRIF:I had calves once. Way more tender than a regular cow. You could taste the youth.
SIMMONS:Wash makes you clean the base?
TUCKER:And our equipment, and our vehicles. The guy's obsessed with rules and order.
GRIF:Euh. Could you imagine having to deal with someone like that?
SIMMONS:Rules and order... Awh...
TUCKER:I know, right? He's even got an organizational chart.
SIMMONS:Huhch?
GRIF:Tsk- what a loser.
SIMMONS:Uh, hkw, hwk, yeah. Hm, well uh, that all sounds very interesting Tucker, but I think I need to see this for myself.
TUCKER:What?
GRIF:What?
SIMMONS:Oh you know, I just wanna make sure his story checks out. Inspect the base, stick around for a few days.
GRIF:Checks out? What're you gonna find that we can't already see? That thing is completely exposed, it's empty. It's clean, dude.
SIMMONS:Houh, clean.
TUCKER:Are you sure you wanna hang around? Wash might make you run his obstacle course or something.
GRIF:Yeah, Sarge made us do that too.
Cut to a flashback of Sarge making Grif run the course
SARGE:On your mark, get set-
GRIF:This is such bullshit
Sarge shoots Grif in the ass with a shotgun, knocking him over onto the ground
GRIF:O-how, why?
SARGE:New record.
A short bell ring happens, and we're back to present day
GRIF:Sometimes when I sneeze, buckshot comes out.
SIMMONS:Look, let me just hang out for a few days. I'll be cool, I swear.
GRIF:Don't lie to the man's face.
TUCKER:Whatever dude, just remember I warned you.
Tucker heads back for Blue Base
SIMMONS:Well Grif, I guess this is goodbye.
GRIF:Wait, how long are you planning on being gone?
SIMMONS:'Til the job's done, I guess.
GRIF:And you're sure you'd rather be near the Blues and their giant killer fucking robot, instead of just coming back to base.
SIMMONS:...
Flashback to Red Base
GRIF:Hey, I think I broke the urinal in the laundry room.
SIMMONS:We don't have a urinal in the laundry room.
GRIF:Oh... ...
Back to present
SIMMONS:Yes. I'm sure.
GRIF:Whatever, your funeral. Just remember, if the robot ever corners you, just stick him with a magnet.
SIMMONS:Computers haven't been affected by magnets since the 20th Century.
GRIF:Which is exactly what they want you to think.
Grif wanders off
SIMMONS:Heuhh... finally, a place I can call home.
Cut to Caboose and Freckles
CABOOSE:Alright Freckles, fetch!
Caboose throws a tennis ball and it lands right next to Simmons
SIMMONS:Hey Caboose, you dropped your ball.
FRECKLES:Acquiring target.
Freckles fires
SIMMONS:Help, what did I do?!
CABOOSE:Ah- yeah, sorry. Yeah we're, we're still working on that one. ...Can we have our ball back?
SIMMONS:I can't, Sarge says I throw like a girl.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 9: A House Divided, Then Multiplied

Fade in to Grif and Lopez Dos (God dammit Burnie)
GRIF:Hey, where's Sarge?
LOPEZ DOS:¿Porqué me la preguntas? Usted no habla Español.
CAPTION:Why are you asking me? You don't speak Spanish.
SARGE:Private Grif. I see you've returned from your reconnaisance mission unscathed. That's disappointing. Unacceptable.
LOPEZ DOS:Hombre... ¿Lo que es carne con este tipo con usted?
CAPTION:Man... What is this guy's beef with you?
SARGE:So, what information have you recovered?
GRIF:Uh, that the Blues aren't up to anything and that you're a paranoid old man bordering on senility.
SARGE:Uh huh. I'll take that into consideration Private. But how about we hear from our more competent soldier? ...Simmons?
GRIF:He's with the Blues.
SARGE:With- the Blues?
GRIF:Yeah. He seemed really eager to stay at their base for some reason.
SARGE:Huhh. Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time.
GRIF:A matter of time?
SARGE:Yep. I knew this day would come.
GRIF:Really? You knew Simmons would eventually wanna leave the Red Team?
SARGE:Leave Red Team? Grif, are you even paying attention?
GRIF:I mean, not really, I just th- I'd-
SARGE:First they build a giant robot. Then they capture my second in command. It's just as I had predicted! The enemy has finally shown its true colours! And that colour is pound zero zero zero eff eff!
GRIF:What?
SARGE:Blue! Blue! It's Red vs. Blue all over again!
GRIF:No, Sarge, they didn't capture him-
SARGE:Can you believe it? Posing as our allies only to stab us in the back years after our conflict, had seemingly ended! They've pulled off the most elaborate ruse in the history of simulated military combat.
GRIF:I don't-
SARGE:I mean really! How far back did they start planning this thing?
GRIF:You're not listening!
SARGE:Like, did they know about all the Freelancers from the beginning?
GRIF:Sarge.
SARGE:And what about Church? For years they told us he was a ghost, but then he was an ancient artifact or something and there were aliens involved I don't know. Sometimes I wonder just how deep this rabbit hole goes.
GRIF:Stop.
SARGE:It's almost like all of this is some sort of sick game!
GRIF:...This conversation is starting to get a little meta.
SARGE:You're right. You think he was in on it too?
GRIF:I think you're jumping to conclusions.
SARGE:And I conclude you need to shut your mouth and move your feet!
GRIF:What are you gonna do?
SARGE:We, are going to do the Reds' signature Blood Gulch manoeuver.
GRIF:Huhhh, oh no.
LOPEZ DOS:Me hace feliz saber que está ignorando tanto como estoy por aquí.
CAPTION:It makes me happy knowing you're ignored just as much as I am around here.
Cut to Caboose, Tucker and Freckles outside
CABOOSE:Okay Freckles, roll over!
Freckles rotates 360 degrees at the waist
FRECKLES:Objective complete.
TUCKER:That's cheating.
Simmons appears on top of the base
SIMMONS:Hey Tucker!
TUCKER:What!
SIMMONS:Do you have any idea when Wash is getting back? I have some suggestions regarding the upkeep of Blue Base.
TUCKER:I don't know and I don't care!
SIMMONS:Well I got two words for you buddy: chore wheel.
TUCKER:And I've got two words for you. How 'bout fuck off?
SIMMONS:Just think about it. Wheel of chores.
TUCKER:I hate my life.
WASHINGTON:Tucker!
TUCKER:You know what, I take it back, I hate everyone else's lives. Wish they didn't have 'em. Oh my God, am I turning into Church?
WASHINGTON:Why aren't you running drills?
TUCKER:How do you know I didn't already finish them?
WASHINGTON:Because you're not on the ground complaining about irritated nipples.
TUCKER:I'm telling you, my chest piece rubs right up against them. And not in a good way.
WASHINGTON:Why do you refuse to take these things seriously?
TUCKER:Why can't you just let us do our thing?
WASHINGTON:I'm trying to make sure you're the best. That you're ready for anything.
TUCKER:Why? Blue Team was just fine with being mediocre until you came along. What the fuck are you worried about?
WASHINGTON:It's just a feeling I, can't explain it.
TUCKER:Really? 'Cause I bet I can. You're a paranoid, ex-special ops guy who's used to being betrayed on a weekly basis. Not much of a riddle Wash. Hey, next do you want to figure out the mystery of why Caboose isn't the team treasurer?
WASHINGTON:Oh, so we're going there.
TUCKER:Oh-hoho bitch I already went there, and I took pictures.
CABOOSE:Ooooh grrrrl.
WASHINGTON:Well I can't say I'm surprised, Lavernius. You just always have to get the last laugh, mister quick-witted, mister sarcastic. If you spent as much time training as you do mouthing off, you could probably beat Freckles at arm wrestling.
TUCKER:Don't be stupid! Freckles doesn't have arms, he has guns.
CABOOSE:And, paws! Freckles shake!
Freckles lifts up one foot and takes a step forward, shaking the ground
CABOOSE:Get it! He shakes! It's awesome!
TUCKER AND  WASHINGTON:Caboose!
CABOOSE:Yeah, yeah we're still working on it.
SIMMONS:Oh, hey Wash, I didn't know you were back.
WASHINGTON:What is... why is he here?
SIMMONS:I took the liberty of claiming the bunk closest to you. I hope you don't mind.
WASHINGTON:I don't have time to deal with you right now, go away.
SIMMONS:Eh heh, good one Sir. Oh hey by the way, is it cool if I start calling you Sir?
WASHINGTON:Why is he still here.
TUCKER:Beats me. If I was him, I'd be as far away from this base as possible.
SIMMONS:You can call me Champ if you want. Or you know... son.
TUCKER:Just ignore him.
SIMMONS:Or Sir Junior.
Cut to a view through a sniper scope
WASHINGTON:Look, as long as I'm leader of this team I will do everything in my power to ensure your safety whether you like it or not.
Back to normal view
TUCKER:We don't need you protecting us.
WASHINGTON:I know, that's why I'm trying to help you.
TUCKER:Help us with what, defending against attack? No-one is going to attack us!
SARGE:Attack!
Grif and Sarge drive over a hill directly into a boulder
TUCKER:Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me.
SARGE:Dammit Grif, you forgot our theme music.
GRIF:Oh, right.
Grif turns on the radio
SARGE:Ah forget it moment's passed.
FRECKLES:Enemy soldiers detected.
CABOOSE:Uh... good Freckles... No murdering everyone.
Everyone holds their guns on each other
GRIF:Uh, I would just like to take this opportunity to point out, that this, was not my idea. Whatsoever, at all.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 10: Long Live the King

Fade in to the end of the previous episode
WASHINGTON:Look, as long as I'm leader of this team I will do everything in my power to ensure your safety whether you like it or not.
Back to normal view
TUCKER:We don't need you protecting us.
WASHINGTON:I know, that's why I'm trying to help you.
TUCKER:Help us with what, defending against attack? No-one is going to attack us!
SARGE:Attack!
Cut to 30 seconds later
TUCKER:You have literally the worst timing.
SARGE:Screw it dead man, we're no longer fraternising with the enemy!
TUCKER:Dead men?
GRIF:Now see when he says 'we', imagine he's only referring to himself. Do not group us together.
TUCKER:Bitch my armour's aqua- I think.
WASHINGTON:What the hell are you two doing?
GRIF:Uh again, not two, just him. I can't stress this enough.
SARGE:You made me believe that Reds and Blues could coexist! That we could work together as one people! That we could all get together, and be a little, purple.
WASHINGTON:We can. We are, seriously, what the fuck is this about?
SARGE:You kindapped one of my men.
SIMMONS:Who- me?
TUCKER:He wasn't kidnapped dipshit, he came over here by himself. We can't get him to leave.
SARGE:Is this true, Simmons?
SIMMONS:It's not your fault Sir, it's Grif's.
GRIF:What did I do?
SIMMONS:You're fucking disgusting, Grif.
GRIF:Well yeah, but I've always been like that. Sarge was the one that decided to take half the base for himself.
SIMMONS:Oh. Then I guess it is your fault Sir.
SARGE:That makes you a traitor!
Sarge hops back on the main gun of the Warthog
SIMMONS:What!?
FRECKLES:Threat level increased.
CABOOSE:Um yeah no reason for panic, everything's fine, might anyone have a rolled-up newspaper at the ready.
SARGE:You weren't kidnapped, you deliberately joined the enemy!
TUCKER:But if he wasn't kidnapped, that would mean we were never the enemy in the first place.
SARGE:Don't try and confuse me with your words, shamrock.
TUCKER:I'm aqua!
WASHINGTON:Tucker, calm down.
TUCKER:Me? These guys roll up in a fucking assault jeep, and you choose to yell at me?
WASHINGTON:Look, tensions, are high.
TUCKER:No shit Washington, I'm tired of you bossing us around.
WASHINGTON:Now, is not the time.
TUCKER:You know, I disagree. We were having a talk when tweedle-dee and tweedle-fucking-idiot decided to interrupt, so let's finish this.
WASHINGTON:There's nothing to finish!
GRIF:Are we intruding on some sort of lovers' quarrel right now?
TUCKER:You are the worst thing to happen to this team since Blue Boy over there decided to show up.
CABOOSE:I am a man! Blue Man!
SIMMONS:You take that back, Wash is a great leader. I assume.
SARGE:Blasphemy!
FRECKLES:Deadly force authorized.
TUCKER:Seriously, I would rather follow Caboose into battle than you.
WASHINGTON:Oh really. Then let's just make him the leader, see how much better off you are.
CABOOSE:Well I humbly accept your nomination and accept the position.
WASHINGTON AND  TUCKER:Shut up!
FRECKLES:Do not talk back to your commanding officer.
TUCKER:Wash and I are having an argument. I will be talking back to him. That's how arguments work you fucking toaster.
FRECKLES:Washington is not the commanding officer.
TUCKER:What?
WASHINGTON:What?
FRECKLES:In a unanimous decision by the Blue Team, Caboose has been promoted to Blue Leader. Captain Caboose is your commanding officer. Do not talk back to your commanding officer.
WASHINGTON:Oh fuck.
CABOOSE:Well. Yeah. This is gonna be a lot of fun.
WASHINGTON:No, Caboose, you can't-
Freckles looks at Wash
WASHINGTON:Look, Freckles, this is a misunderstanding.
SIMMONS:Caboose is team leader? Fuck this.
Simmons starts walking away
CABOOSE:Good story Simmons! As my first duty as leader as the position of nomination, I say you can be on Blue Team, forever!
SIMMONS:No thanks, I'm good.
FRECKLES:Private Simmons.
SIMMONS:Eh-uh, oh no.
FRECKLES:Deserting your post will designate you as AWOL, this designation is punishable by death.
SIMMONS:WHAT!?
GRIF:Uh, hey Sarge? Now the Blues have kidnapped Simmons.
SARGE:Then it's war!
WASHINGTON:Wait, stop!
SARGE:Say hello to Robot Satan you mechanical son of a-
Freckles fires on the jeep
GRIF:Bail!
The jeep explodes
TUCKER:Whoa!
SIMMONS:Sarge!
CABOOSE:Freckles, bad! Bad, down.
FRECKLES:Primary threat eliminated.
LOPEZ DOS:¿Cuál fue esa explosión? ¡MIERDA! ¿QUÉ HAS HECHO?
CAPTION:What was that explos-- HOLY SHIT. WHAT DID YOU DO?
SIMMONS:Sarge, are you okay?
SARGE:Mmm, no Simmons. I'm afraid, I won't be okay, until I exact my revenge!
Grif peeks out from behind a rock
GRIF:Seriously, I am not affiliated with this lunatic. He does not speak for me.
SARGE:Hyaah!
FRECKLES:Engaging target.
CABOOSE:Freckles! No!
WASHINGTON:Sarge don't!
A gun fires up dramatically into the air, and everyone turns dramatically to see who it is, dramatically
DONUT:Man, you guys are really noisy.
EVERYONE:Woohoo!
Well, they all yell various forms of 'woohoo' and 'yeah,' but fuck you, I'm not sorting out that many simultaneous voices
DONUT:Aw, you must have really missed me.
GRIF:Donut, thank God you're here.
SARGE:We were just about ready to kill each other.
TUCKER:Speak for yourself.
WASHINGTON:Where's the ship?
DONUT:What ship?
WASHINGTON:The ship you came here on, the rescue team.
DONUT:Oooh, ha ha. Duh. Allow me to introduce, the rescue team!
DOC:'Sup?
SIMMONS:Doc?
WASHINGTON:Wait, what is this?
DOC:Donut told me you guys needed help.
DONUT:So I got the best help money could buy.
DOC:You didn't pay me.
DONUT:And I didn't tip the pilot. That's frugality.
SARGE:What pilot?
DONUT:The pilot that dropped us off, dummy.
TUCKER:Dropped you off?
GRIF:As in, he's not here any more?
DONUT:Exactly.
CABOOSE:'Sup.
WASHINGTON:So you're telling me, that you heard our distress signal, grabbed Doc, hopped on a ship, and then told the ship to leave? And that's your idea of sending help?
DONUT:What? No. I brought Lopez too.
LOPEZ:Qué. Carajo.
CAPTION:What. The fuck.
SARGE:... Kill him!
Everyone bum rushes Donut, screaming the whole time - and I'm still not sorting out that many simultaneous voices
DONUT:Someone get this medium turquoise guy away from me!
TUCKER:I'm aqua!
Panning back we see that mystery guy from the jungle watching through a snipe rifle
MYSTERY GUY:Huh. Unfortunate.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 11: Worst Laid Plans

Fade in to Wash and Tucker inside Blue Base
TUCKER:This is it. This is rock bottom. You ever hit rock bottom before Wash? Well, you have now. 'Cause this is it. Can't get any lower.
SIMMONS:*sniff* I wanna go home.
TUCKER:Okay well maybe I spoke too soon.
FRECKLES:Attention. Officer on deck.
Caboose enters
CABOOSE:Yes. Yes. Hello, thank you yes, hello. Thank you, you're welcome, yes thank you. Hhcheh, hceh, hh. H. Hello!
FRECKLES:Captain, all team members are accounted for.
CABOOSE:Well, excellent news, Assistant Captain Freckles.
TUCKER:Oh my lord.
CABOOSE:Hi. It looks like we have a new member today. Yes, give Simmons a big Blue Team hello. Yes, welcome to Blue Team, Simmons.
Someone claps
SIMMONS:Can I leave?
CABOOSE:It is good to have you on board today for the Blue Team.
FRECKLES:Sir. Awaiting mission briefing.
CABOOSE:Oh, yes, right, oh God, right yes. Um okay uh... Yes. First order of business is t-um... uh... Wash. Psst, Wa- Wash. Washington, Washing- Washington, Wash. Wash, Wash, Wash-
WASHINGTON:Yes, Caboose?
CABOOSE:What is the first order of business?
WASHINGTON:We're trying to get rescued.
CABOOSE:Oh, yes, rescued! Yes excellent. Does anyone have any, suggestions?
Tucker and Wash look at each other
WASHINGTON:Hh, well, we know the communications tower works, so we should continue in our efforts to make contact.
CABOOSE:Ah, yes. Very good, excellent yes.
WASHINGTON:However, we should also work on trying to boost the signal of the radio transmitter. We were barely able to maintain a steady line of communication last time. Even if we make contact again there's no guarantee anyone would be able to understand us.
CABOOSE:Ah! Yes, uh- right, yes. Yes, then we need to do that! Tucker! Go fix the radio thing!
TUCKER:Me? Why not Wash? He's the one who built it.
CABOOSE:Tucker, becau- don't rook it, alright listen. We're gonna keep Wash here for another job.
WASHINGTON:But, ih- Caboose.
Freckles turns at Wash
WASHINGTON:Hrrmm!
CABOOSE:Yeah, I'm thinking that you know, uh, Washington is mean and scary. Yes, yes, he will be our lookout!
TUCKER:Lookout?
CABOOSE:Yes. Washington, make sure you look out, for bad guys! And, anything, that looks scary.
WASHINGTON:There's a giant robot trying to kill me.
TUCKER:Yeah, why can't Freckles be our lookout? Killing stuff is like, his entire reason for existing.
CABOOSE:Well um, every great leader needs a great best friend, and Freckles, I think you could be that best friend.
FRECKLES:...Acknowledged.
SIMMONS:Uhm, do I need to do anything?
CABOOSE:Oh my God a Red, oh my- ohp no sorry, sorry that's my bad. Sorry, sorry. Yeh Simmons, yes Simmons we got- we have to talk about it. Yes, um, Simmons... you do what you, ah, normally do for the Reds. But instead... for the Blues.
SIMMONS:Uh, yes Sir.
TUCKER:Wait, what is your job for the Reds?
SIMMONS:What do you mean, I just did it.
CABOOSE:Okay everybody! Aaaaand Team! Alright see you, bye.
And off goes Caboose, into the wild blue yonder
WASHINGTON:I hope you're happy.
TUCKER:Hey, don't pin this shit on me.
SIMMONS:I'll just, stay here I guess.
Cut to Doc healing Donut in front of Grif
DOC:Alright, you're all patched up.
DONUT:I can't feel my toes. Is that normal?
DOC:Uhm, let's go with yes?
DONUT:Works for me.
DOC:You know the next time someone comes to help you, I wouldn't really recommend beating the crap out of them.
GRIF:Well the next time somebody comes to help us, I hope they actually bring us help.
DOC:Hey, I take offense to that.
GRIF:Yeah, it's called an insult.
DOC:Oh.
DONUT:So what the heck happened? After you guys dropped me off at Valhalla, you guys were supposed to be going back to Blood Gulch.
GRIF:Well, funny story...
Cut to the interior of the ship, with someone standing in front of a sparking wall panel
CREWMAN:Oh my God, who spilled soda all over my instruments?
GRIF:Oh my God, I spilled my soda?
Alarms and red lights, and we're back to the present
GRIF:Somehow, the ship crashed, but uh, no-one seems to know why or, how or, when or-
SARGE:Men!
GRIF:I didn't do it,  you can't prove that I did!
SARGE:It's time we took action.
DOC:Oh, we're not gonna do anything violent, are we? Remember I'm a pacifist.
SARGE:Yeah, but think about it: Can't spell pacifist without fist. Which you need to throw a punch. That always leads to fighting, the precursor to a full-out battle. Which is ultimately the first step on the inevitable road to war! Violence is unavoidable Doc. Time to just admit you've got a natural-born pacifist lust for murder!
DOC:Huhh, why do I even bother?
DONUT:Oh come on Doc, where's your sense of adventure? We're a bunch of strapping young men stranded in the wilderness. If that doesn't sound like a good time, I don't know what does.
GRIF:I'm starting to remember why I don't like you.
DONUT:It's just like camping. Who wants to help me pitch a tent?
GRIF:Yep, there it is.
SARGE:Since landing in this God-forsaken hellhole, we've let Washington make all the decisions. And just look where that's gotten us: the Warthog is destroyed; we're running low on food; and Simmons is being held prisoner.
GRIF:Shit's pretty fucked.
SARGE:It's high time we took matters into our own hands! Red hands. The days of standing idly by, while the Blues do interesting and convoluted things are over!
DONUT:All right! It's our time to shine. Can I get a heck yeah?
SARGE:Hell no.
DONUT:Close enough.
SARGE:What I'm about to propose to you gentlemen, is in no way simple, smart, or seemingly possible.
GRIF:Solid pep talk so far Sarge.
SARGE:There's one thing in this canyon that's been the source of all our problems. If we want to get outta here alive, we're going to have to eliminate it. Boys, we've got to kill Freckles.
DOC:Uh, we don't know who that is. We just got here.
SARGE:The robot.
DONUT:You mean Lopez?
LOPEZ DOS:Creo que están hablando de nosotros.
CAPTION:I think they're talking about us.
LOPEZ:Al menos que están hablando de mi construir no me importa.
CAPTION:Unless they are talking about building me a new body I don't give a shit.
GRIF:No, the giant robot that belongs to Caboose? AKA the thing that will fucking kill us if we get anywhere near it. So exactly how do you plan on "eliminating" it Sarge?
SARGE:Well if our ship was carrying something as big as Freckles, I figure it may have also been carrying something big enough to break him.
GRIF:We're going aboard the ship?
SARGE:We'll move in tonight. Donut, you guard the base while we're gone.
DONUT:Awesome.
WASHINGTON:Hey.
Wash arrives
WASHINGTON:You guys haven't seen anything, suspicious, around, have you?
SARGE:Uh suspicious, why whatever do you mean, Agent Washington?
WASHINGTON:Heuh, nothing, just... doing my job.
Wash departs
GRIF:Nice save Sarge. Very convincing.
SARGE:Heh heh. Acting.
Cut to a ship docking somewhere. Someone gets out of it and runs across some landscape, unknowingly passing someone in salmon armour who's on the ground behind a rock. He runs up a short ramp to a window
SHIP GUY:Hey can I get some fuel on three?
VOICE:You got it.
SHIP GUY:Thanks. Hey uh, I'm not really from around here, but uh, do you know about that crashed spaceship?
VOICE:Spaceship?
SHIP GUY:Yeah. I just dropped off a coupla guys who saw it in the middle of a canyon. It's big. Like, really big.
VOICE:No. I can't say I've heard of it.
SHIP GUY:Really. Oh man. I mean, someone should report that, right?
VOICE:Well, that's up to you.
SHIP GUY:Yeah, it was pretty bad. You got a phone I could use?
VOICE:Sure. Right behind you.
SHIP GUY:Thanks.
Ship Guy turns and walks down the ramp, and the Mystery Guy shoots him in the back
MYSTERY GUY:Just so you're aware, no-one's gonna find your ship either.
Mystery Guy shoots him in the back of the neck
MYSTERY GUY:Control this is Locus. Objective complete. Returning to Crash Site Bravo.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 12: Finders Keepers

Fade in to Tucker running up behind Simmons
TUCKER:Uh-heugh, this blows. I don't know the first thing about fixing intergalactic space radios.
SIMMONS:Uh huh.
TUCKER:Every movie I've ever seen with a repair man in it always glosses over the actual repairing part. It's just "Hey lady, I'm here to lay some pipe." And then bam - two scoops of raisins.
SIMMONS:Uh huh...
TUCKER:Dammit woman if you'd let the man do his job, then maybe we wouldn't be in this mess.
SIMMONS:Hey Tucker, what the fuck is this thing?
TUCKER:It's a gravity lift. You step in it, and it takes you upstairs.
SIMMONS:Well I know that, but what the fuck is it doing here?
TUCKER:It's glowing. And going drng-drng-drdrdrng.
SIMMONS:So let me get this straight: we're survivors of a shipwreck, living off of the bare necessities, and in the middle of the room is this incredible feat of modern-day technology.
TUCKER:I don't know, Wash found it on the ship and so we put it in the base. What's so weird about that?
SIMMONS:It's like finding a car made out of rocks, plastic, and a Bluetooth radio.
TUCKER:Oh-hoh, we've got that too. Siri!
Ding-ding
TUCKER:Play "song dance team."
Ding-ding
SIRI:Did you mean "thong randy?"
TUCKER:Aw piece of shit.
SIRI:Calling Bolma Dee.
SIMMONS:How are you able to power all of this?
TUCKER:We're hooked up to the ship.
SIMMONS:You mean you have a direct line to a limitless power supply?
TUCKER:Well, no, we'll definitely run out of fuel eventually, just not any time soon. So who cares? Take as much as you want.
SIMMONS:God bless the American way.
TUCKER:What're you gonna do?
SIMMONS:Just a side project!
Simmons runs into the gravity lift and disappears in the direction of up
WASHINGTON:Hey, Caboose!
Tucker moves to watch Tucker and Caboose near Freckles
WASHINGTON:I've secured the perimeter. No bad guys to be found.
CABOOSE:Excellent work, Commander Washington! I admire your determination. Why, maybe someday, you could be the leader of Blue Team.
WASHINGTON:Yes. Maybe someday.
CABOOSE:Now, I have a very important question for you Washington.
WASHINGTON:Okay.
CABOOSE:Um... Do you think Freckles would look... silly in a hat? Possibly a sombrero.
WASHINGTON:You want to dress your pet up in people clothes.
CABOOSE:To bolster morale of the troops!
WASHINGTON:You know, I just remembered I haven't checked for any bad guys on the ship.
CABOOSE:What? Washington, what are you even doing here? There ca- there could be bad guys flying that ship right now.
WASHINGTON:You're right! Sorry Boss, I'll take care of it right away.
Wash walks off
CABOOSE:Heuh. Yeah some people are just not cut out for military life Freckles. Now let's go make you that tiny hat.
TUCKER:Thanks Wash, really lookin' out for your team.
Ding-ding
ANDY:Hey, you've reached the voicemail of Andy the Bomb.
TUCKER:Siri hang up!
Cut to someone in dark grey armor with orange highlights overlooking the canyon watching this happen
OVERSEER:Holy shit. It's actually them.
He hears a branch crack to his left, looks, and sees Locus cloak
OVERSEER:Oh no.
Fade to nighttime, and cut to the Reds and Doc wandering the ship
DOC:You know for a shipwreck this place actually looks pretty nice.
GRIF:You should see the other half.
DOC:Why, is it bad?
GRIF:We don't know, it landed somewhere else.
DOC:Yeah that's pretty bad. Hey did you guys ever watch Lost?
GRIF AND  SARGE:Shut up.
SARGE:Alright men, fan out and see what you can find. Remember: we're hunting the most dangerous prey of them all.
DOC:Man?
SARGE:What? No! Giant robot.
DOC:Uhh, oh yeah.
SARGE:Psh! Man. Everything kills man. Man's way down on the list. Right between koala and retarded koala.
GRIF:Yeah, man sucks.
Grif finds a new type of gun and picks it up.
GRIF:Hmm.
He fires it at a wall, and leaves what is clearly an explosive of some sort on it
GRIF:What the fuck. Huh.
Doc is looking at something
DOC:Huhm...
One of the gun explosives hits Doc in the face
GRIF:Boosh! Headshot!
DOC:Grif, what the heck man?
GRIF:Now don't be a bitch.
DOC:What is this?
GRIF:Beats me, you wanna try? There's a whole bunch of 'em in the corner.
DOC:Ah, I'm not sure. You know how I feel about firearms.
GRIF:Come onnn, they don't do anything. They just stick.
And beep, and flash red, and are obviously explosives
DOC:Well, let me think about it. ... ... ... Okay.
SARGE:Hey! This ain't a tea party numbskulls. Get rid of those toys and get back to work.
GRIF:Fine.
DOC:Aw man.
SARGE:And take that stupid thing off your head.
DOC:Okay.
Doc drops it on the ground
DOC:I never get to do anything cool.
Doc and Grif walk away, and the obvious explosive explodes - obviously
SARGE:You better not be breaking things down there!
Doc approaches a computer terminal
DOC:Hm. According to the ship's records, it was carrying a lot of standard issue weaponry, buuut, it also has a bunch of stuff listed as "experimental."
GRIF:Ooh, that's military slang for really fucking dangerous. Where's that stuff?
DOC:Eh, looks like most of it was on the other half of the ship.
GRIF:Boo.
DOC:But there is one prototype that was kept here.
GRIF:Yes!
Grif wanders off while Doc types
GRIF:The fuck are these?
DOC:Looks like some sort of weird grenade. Or it could be a Rubik's Cube. I don't know.
GRIF:Huh.
Grif picks one up and throws it
DOC:Dah! What are you doing?
GRIF:Trying it out.
It hits a couple crates and they vanish into it
GRIF:Whoa!
DOC:You could have killed us!
GRIF:Did you see that?
DOC:You can't just go around messing with experimental-
Grif throws another one
DOC:Stop throwing that!
The crates come back when the second one lands
GRIF:Dude!
DOC:What is wrong with you?
GRIF:These things are like teleporter cubes.
DOC:Hah, be careful, we don't know how they work!
GRIF:What do you mean? Throw it at a thing, thing disappears. Throw another one, thing reappears. I could keep an entire buffet in the palm of my hand!
DOC:Really? That's what you're excited about?
SARGE:Men! Upstairs, now!
DOC:Coming!
GRIF:Ho-ho, I am taking these.
Cut to Doc and Grif approaching Sarge
DOC:Sarge, you'll never guess what we found.
SARGE:Son, you could have found a laser-guided napalm shark. I still wouldn't care.
DOC:A what?
SARGE:You know that feeling you get when you see a pretty girl on the first day of school? You're not quite sure what to do but, your instincts just take over and you smile at her. And she smiles back. And suddenly the world is a brand new place. And your stomach is all full of twists and twirls.
DOC:Um... yeah?
SARGE:Well boys, I got that feeling right now.
A wider shot shows an immensely large killer robot on a platform
GRIF:Ho-ho-holy shit.
SARGE:Except imagine that pretty girl in school as armor-plated with a titanium poly-alloy, and outfitted with fifty millimeter cannons and ammo for days.
DOC:She sounds pretty high-maintenance.
GRIF:She sounds like I need a safeword to date her.
SARGE:Oh yeah.
DOC:So how do we get it out of the ship?
GRIF:Uh, teleportation cubes anyone?
SARGE:No! A girl this fine's gotta be treated right. Oiled up and whatnot. We'll take her apart, and move her ourselves, limb by limb. Packed away in carrying cases if necessary.
DOC:Yeah, I think your dating metaphor kinda took a turn into serial killer territory there Sarge.
GRIF:Seriously? I just found these awesome Future Cubes. It's destiny!
The sound of light metal falling on heavy metal ...happens
SARGE:What was that?
They peek around the corner and see Wash running into a corridor
DOC:Agent Washington?
GRIF:What the hell is he doing here?
SARGE:Doesn't matter. Let's just dismember this beautiful lady, pack her up, and take her back to our lair. I mean base.
GRIF:Could you please stop referring to the robot as a woman? It's really weird.
SARGE:Not as weird as the throbbing erection she's giving me.
GRIF:Jesus Christ.
Cut to Wash doing ...something. Some weird sound like a marmoset sighing and farting happens
WASHINGTON:Hmm. Needs a conducter.
He messes with a low door
WASHINGTON:Mm- stupid thing, just open.
He stands back and fires at it
WASHINGTON:There we go. Huh, never thought it'd come down to this. Sorry Caboose.
Wash starts welding


Red vs. Blue Season 11
PSA 3: Game Changer

Fade in to the Universal Grifball League of America Headquarters. That's right, this is a Grifball video. But it's part of the season this time, so I have to do it. Confetti. The Grifball Commissioner approaches the Rookie, who's just standing there like a paraplegic being held up mechanically
COMMISSIONER:Heylo, great game today, Rookie!
ROOKIE:Thanks, but I haven't been a rookie in four years.
Well, you're "Rookie" for the benefit of this transcript. Get used to it
COMMISSIONER:Right you are! League MVP and two championships? Team Slipspace sure has come a long way since your first year.
ROOKIE:Yep, things are finally lookin' up!
COMMISSIONER:That's the problem.
ROOKIE:What?
COMMISSIONER:Things are stale now that the worst team in the league wins every match - it's too predictable. So we're mixin' things up.
ROOKIE:...I don't get you.
COMMISSIONER:How would you like some new uniforms?
ROOKIE:Oh. Yeah, that actually sounds really nice.
COMMISSIONER:And all new maps created by the very best community cartographers.
ROOKIE:H-heow - that would mix things up, sure.
COMMISSIONER:And wouldn't it be swell if we made you play an entirely different game than the one you're used to?
ROOKIE:A-hai... what?
COMMISSIONER:That's right! We're changing the rules.
ROOKIE:Which ones?
COMMISSIONER:Quite a lot, actually. So that's why I made this video.
ROOKIE:You recorded on VHS?
COMMISSIONER:Spared every expense. To save money. For me!
ROOKIE:Of course you did.
COMMISSIONER:Wow, my new Gold Track player looks amazing compared to this.
ROOKIE:Don't you mean BluRay player?
COMMISSIONER:Hah ho - no that's what poor people use.
The video starts
VOICEOVER:Ricochet is a new five-on-five gametype for Halo 4. Players will compete to gain possession of the ball at the beginning of each round, but that's only the start of things. Once a team moves to offense they'll have to run and pass their way to the opposing team's goal. Then they've got two options: throw the  ball into the goal to score, or run it in to score big. Wanna create a map for Ricochet? Certain Affinity is holding a contest to find the best Ricochet cartographers in the community. Six finalists will get their maps into a Halo 4 playlist. The winners will receive prizes, the adoration of their peers, and a chance at immortality.
COMMISSIONER:Immortality pending legal approval. Adoration not guaranteed.
VOICEOVER:Visit halowaypoint.com for more details on the contest.
The video ends
COMMISSIONER:So, what do you think?
ROOKIE:I think I should check the status of my league life insurance policy.
COMMISSIONER:No need.
ROOKIE:Oh God, don't say it.
COMMISSIONER:I cancelled the league's life insurance policy to pay for the awesome contest prizes.
ROOKIE:Right.
COMMISSIONER:Well I should really be going, the match is about to begin.
ROOKIE:The match?
COMMISSIONER:Good luck out there, Rookie. You're gonna need it.
The not-a-Rookie finds himself holding the ball, surrounded by 5 opponents
ROOKIE:Oh, son of a bi-
He's hit from behind, and the screen goes blank
COMMENTATOR:You dropped the ball.
VOICEOVER:To enter the Ricochet Forge contest or for more information on contest rules, guidelines and prizes, visit halowaypoint.com. Maps will be judged by Certain Affinity, so they'd better be good. This is Stu Stuman signing off.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 13: +1 Follower

Fade in to Wash stepping in next to Tucker as he watches Simmons rooting around somewhere
WASHINGTON:What is all this?
SIMMONS:It's the future.
TUCKER:Where the hell have you been?
WASHINGTON:I've been doing what I can to keep us alive.
TUCKER:Oh really? Then where were you when Freckles tried to kill me for calling his tiny hat stupid?
WASHINGTON:I thought you didn't need me protecting you, Tucker.
SIMMONS:Hey you guys, I'm trying to revolutionize the world of intercanyon communication, so if you could just keep it down? That'd be great.
WASHINGTON:What is he talking about?
SIMMONS:I'm talking about, the Internet!
He stands up to show off his Google clone called Simmons, with buttons "Simmons Search" and "Yes Sir!" It gives off an old AOL chime, and a male(?) voice says "Welcome."
TUCKER:Oh my God, everybody leave. Everybody leave, right now. There's something I've gotta do.
WASHINGTON:The Internet?
TUCKER:Seriously, you're gonna see some shit if you don't leave.
SIMMONS:Well, it's not actually the Internet. The only two points of communication are Red and Blue Base.
TUCKER:Why would you lie to us like that?
WASHINGTON:You put one of these at Red Base too?
SIMMONS:Yeah, I had to sneak past Freckles, but it was totally worth it.
WASHINGTON:Why?
SIMMONS:Behold!
WASHINGTON:Basebook?
Basebook. ...I got nothing.
SIMMONS:Yep. It's a site that lets you upload pictures, videos, and even text posts so your friends will always know what you're up to. It's revolutionary!
WASHINGTON:Revolutionary? The first social media sites were created hundreds of years ago.
TUCKER:Also there are no friends in this canyon. Only forced acquaintances.
SIMMONS:Well yeah, but those old sites just turned into conglomerations of attention whores. Nothing but teenagers who want to prove they were cool, and old people who wanted to prove they were still relevant.
TUCKER:So what's the point of Basebook?
SIMMONS:Oh, you know, just wanna keep in touch with my friends on the Red Team while I'm your prisoner. Can't let them forget about old Simmons. Hah hah hah- hah hah hah hah hah- hah heh heuh heuh heuh heuh heuh heuh heuh.
WASHINGTON:Glad to see you spent your time in captivity on something meaningful.
TUCKER:So you made it. What now?
SIMMONS:I'm glad you asked. Let's see what Sarge is up to.
He types a bunch
SIMMONS:Uh huh, hasn't set up his profile yet, well uh, hh-that's cool, um I'll just wait for an update, yeah. I'm sure it'll come eventually. He's gotta have an update. Heh a-heh heh heh, updates, heh heh heh heh.
WASHINGTON:You know, maybe you should go outside for a bit Simmons. I'm sure Caboose wouldn't mind if you got some fresh air.
SIMMONS:No no it's all good, really. B-um besides, I can see Sarge some time and make a profile for him, yeah. That would be fun. I'll make a post about it too, you know, just so he knows.
TUCKER:Hope you like the new Blue Team Wash, really worked your magic.
CABOOSE:Yes.
Wash walks to the window to see what's up, and sees Freckles wearing a sombrero
CABOOSE:Okay, don't move! I have to get my camera!
FRECKLES:Holding position.
CABOOSE:Oh God, this is gonna be so cute!
SIMMONS:Hey Wash, could you take my picture and then tag me in it? 'Cause you know if I do it myself, I'll just look like one of those losers.
WASHINGTON:Heuhhhhh.
I couldn't have said it better myself. Cut to Red Base, where Donut hears a crashing sound
DONUT:Alright, spread 'em!
He rounds the corner and sees the other Reds and Doc
DOC:Hey Donut.
DONUT:Oh, it's you guys. What took you so long?
DOC:It's not exactly easy transporting several tons of robot in a timely manner. I think Grif even dropped a bunch of pieces along the way.
GRIF:There's a difference between dropping and abandoning.
SARGE:What? Dropped pieces? Grif, if I find that a single screw is missing from this death machine, I'm gonna beat the living pulp out of you, and then drink the remaining orange juice! 'Cause I like my dead men pulp-free. And with extra calcium. When available.
GRIF:What if I lost multiple screws, or several feet of armor plating?
DONUT:Yess! Giant robot fight here we come. This is gonna be awesome. Fighting fire with fire, good idea Sarge.
GRIF:I still say we just trap Freckles in a Future Cube!
DOC:You actually took one of those with you?
GRIF:Technically yes.
He throws one at the ground, and several emerge
GRIF:But actually no.
DONUT:It's a cube that makes more cubes?
GRIF:No, they teleport stuff. Watch this. Fuck you cone! What did you ever do for me?
He throws one at a random orange cone, and the cone gets sucked up
DONUT:Whoa-ho-hoa.
GRIF:Nah, I'm just kidding cone, you can come back.
He throws another one, and the cone returns
DONUT:Ooh, they're like Pokeballs.
GRIF:No, these are cool. Do not ruin them for me.
DONUT:Or maybe it sends them to the Phantom Zone. You know like in that bad Superman movie.
DOC:Superman 2, or Man of Steel?
DONUT:No, the eleventh remake: Superman Origins 3: Revelations.
DOC:He-heh-hoh yeah, that was awesome.
GRIF:Sarge, look, let's just send Donut over to Blue Base with one of the cubes. He throws it at Freckles, Freckles gets zapped, and then we throw the cubes down a volcano or something.
DONUT:Why do I have to do it?
GRIF:In case it doesn't work, I wanna be alive.
DONUT:Makes sense.
DOC:But we still don't even know how the teleportation cubes work! What if they're extremely radioactive, or what if they only work on inanimate objects?
GRIF:Uh, robots are objects.
SARGE:Hey, you're gonna hurt some feelings here. Don't ever talk like that in front of our robot!
LOPEZ DOS:He oído la palabra robot. ¿Me has llamado?
CAPTION:I heard the word robot. Did you call me?
SARGE:Nobody's talking to you idiot.
DOC:I just think we should run some tests first.
GRIF:But tests are hard.
SARGE:Well if it means getting you morons away from me so I can work, I say go for it.
GRIF:Seriously?
SARGE:You can either test the cubes, or test this thing's primary defense systems.
GRIF:What do I have to do for that?
SARGE:Just stand still and wait for the sweet embrace of death.
GRIF:Okay, yeah, I'm leaving now.
DONUT:Oohohohoh, I'm gonna update my Basebook page about this.
DOC:Your what?
DONUT:Ho Doc, you're, gonna, love it. You should see the photo Caboose just uploaded. It's hilarious.
LOPEZ:Suspiro. Otro robot. Que original
CAPTION:(SIGH). Another robot. How original.
VOICE:Psst! Hey.
LOPEZ DOS:¿Has oído algo?
CAPTION:Did you hear something?
Looking over, it's the guy with the orange highlights on his armor, who we decided to call Overseer in the last transcript
OVERSEER:Yeah you brown guy, over here.
LOPEZ DOS:¡Mierda! ¿Quien es ese?
CAPTION:Holy shit, who is that?
LOPEZ:¿Quién es qué? No puedo ver.
CAPTION:Who is what? I can't see.
OVERSEER:Hey dont move, just- listen. You and your friends are in a lot of trouble.
LOPEZ DOS:¿Qué?
CAPTION:What?!
LOPEZ:¿En serio, que carajo este pasando?
CAPTION:Seriously, what the fuck is going on?
OVERSEER:I'm gonna get you guys out of here okay but- listen you've gotta sit tight for just a little while longer. Hhh, I'm not the only one that has their eyes on you.
LOPEZ DOS:¿Espera, qué significa eso?
CAPTION:What does that mean?
OVERSEER:Hehh I gotta go. Look, I know you people can fend for yourselves, just... be careful.
LOPEZ DOS:¿Tenga cuidado? ¿Porqué? ¿Quien nos está mirando?
CAPTION:Be careful? Why? Who is watching us?
LOPEZ:VUELTA. ME. ALREDEDOR.
CAPTION:TURN. ME. AROUND.
LOPEZ DOS:Se ha ido!
CAPTION:He's gone!
LOPEZ:¿Ido?
CAPTION:Gone?
LOPEZ DOS:Desaparecido.
CAPTION:Vanished!
LOPEZ:¿El era un hombre de los batos?
CAPTION:Was he Batman?
LOPEZ DOS:¡Lopez tenemos que decirle a alguen!
CAPTION:Lopez, we have to tell somebody!
LOPEZ:No puedes estar hablando enserio.
CAPTION:You can't be serious.
Dear God I hate you Burnie. Let's cut to Sarge, with the Lopezes in the background, WHERE WE CAN'T HEAR THEM
LOPEZ DOS:Sargento! Sargento!
CAPTION:SARGE! SARGE!
... Kill me.
SARGE:Hm? You talkin' to me?
LOPEZ DOS:¡Un hombre acaba de estar aquí! ¡Dijo estábamos en peligro! Tenemos que...
CAPTION:A man was just here! He said we were in danger! He said we have to--
SARGE:Dos Point Oh, why don't you quit yer yappin' and make yourself useful? Can't you see I'm trying to build your replacement? I mean- duh, I'm tryin'a- build your- well yeah, he's pretty much your replacement.
LOPEZ:Confía en mi muchacho. No os molestais. Usted podría dibujar y el todavía iba a encontrar alguna manera.
CAPTION:Trust me kid. Don't even bother. You could draw that man a detailed infographic describing the situation and he'd still find some way to screw things up.
LOPEZ DOS:Pero podríamos ser rescatados.
CAPTION:But we could be rescued.
LOPEZ:Yo puedo ser un cabeza de este cañon o un cabeza de este cañon. Realmente no me importa.
CAPTION:I can either be a head in this canyon, or a head in another canyon. At this point, I really don't care
LOPEZ DOS:¿Pero que pasa con nuestros creadores?
CAPTION:But what about our creators?
LOPEZ:Son lo peor.
CAPTION:They're the worst.
LOPEZ DOS:¿Que quieres decir?
CAPTION:What do you mean?
LOPEZ:Suspiro. Vas a querer sentarse a esta historia. El será de 20 horas y en intervalos de 5 minutos
CAPTION:(SIGH) You're going to want to sit down for this story. It's about 20 hours long and I only enjoy telling it in five minute intervals.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 14: Reconciliation

Fade in to Doc and Donut looking at something
DONUT:Pretty neat, huh?
Dear God it's a Facebook clone ...called Basebook
DOC:So, who uses this?
DONUT:Mainly just Simmons and Caboose. Ho- wait, it looks like Sarge has a profile now! Like!
DOC:And you just, talk about yourself?
DONUT:You can post pictures and stuff too. I've been downloading this picture of Freckles for a while.
It clicks from 15% to 16%
DOC:How long has that been going for?
DONUT:Huh, just a few hours.
DOC:You spent hours of our limited energy just downloading a single picture?
DONUT:It is a very high quality picture.
DOC:...Well you can't argue with that. So, is this all you did while we were out last night?
DONUT:Nope, I cleaned this base from top to bottom. It was the least I could do to make it look more presentable. I did the dishes, swept sand off the floor...
DOC:Wow, did you clean Grif's room?
DONUT:Grif has a room?
DOC:Well he and Simmons share that side of the base? But Grif's stuff kind of overflowed onto the roof.
DONUT:Ooh, let me take a peek!
Donut runs off
DOC:Oh my gosh! If this post gets over 10,000 llikes, Basebook will pay for a rescue team to come save us!
DONUT:Ee-haha!
DOC:I know, it sounds too good to be true!
Cut to Grif outside the base. He throws a Future Cube, as Donut approaches
DONUT:Dexter Grif!
GRIF:Huh?
DONUT:I can't live in this base with the way you've been treating it. The layout is all wrong, the colour pallette is attrocious, and the garden doesn't even have flowers in it! Just vegetables! Also, I think someone tried to plant candy corn at some point.
GRIF:U-hm, I wonder who did that?
DOC:How's the testing going?
GRIF:Well Doc, after countless experiments, I've determined that the teleportation cubes are still fucking awesome. All other data's been inconclusive.
DOC:Grif, I really think we shouldn't be messing with these. They could be dangerous! We can't just keep throwing them around all willy-nilly!
DONUT:Gimme that!
DOC:Hey!
Donut grabs a Future Cube and throws it at Grif's crap on the roof
GRIF:My stuff!
Donut throws another over the ship and into the wild green yonder
DOC:Nice arm.
DONUT:There. If you're not responsible enough to clean your room, then you can just say goodbye to everything that was in it.
GRIF:Oh man.
Cut to Simmons inside Blue Base
SIMMONS:Hey, somebody liked my post! Things are sure lookin' up for Private Simmons!
The second Future Cube lands next to him
SIMMONS:What the?
The Future Cube does its thing
SIMMONS:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Cut to Wash approaching Tucker, who is hitting something with his rifle
WASHINGTON:What are you doing?
TUCKER:I'm fixing, the radio.
WASHINGTON:By beating it with the butt of your rifle?
TUCKER:It worked for you.
WASHINGTON:But that was-
TUCKER:You know what, why don't you just come over here, and do it yourself.
WASHINGTON:...Try connecting the antenna port to the amp.
TUCKER:What?
WASHINGTON:If you increase the input voltage, that will just, fry the radio. But if you were to transmit through an amp-
TUCKER:All I hear are words that would get me beat up in high school.
WASHINGTON:Tucker, I'm being serious.
TUCKER:Oh my God, stop the fucking presses. Agent Washington is being serious.
WASHINGTON:If you just listen to me you can do this.
TUCKER:Well I don't want to do this, you ever think of that? All I want to do is stand around and talk to my friend, but he's gone now, and all I've got is you.
WASHINGTON:...What?
TUCKER:It's fucking bullshit.
WASHINGTON:...Heuh... Did you know I was one of the worst Freelancers in my squad? There was Agent York, our security specialist; Agent North, the sharpshooter; Carolina was an expert in martial arts and Tex was... well, you know Tex.
TUCKER:Cool story bro.
WASHINGTON:I was known for getting a grappling hook stuck to my balls.
TUCKER:...Okay, where're you going with this?
WASHINGTON:Church was your leader for years. You guys knew each other inside and out.
TUCKER:Dude, don't phrase it like that.
WASHINGTON:I'm new to all of this. I've never really had to lead anybody before. But when Church and Carolina disappeared, I didn't have a choice. I had to try.
TUCKER:Well there's your problem. You try too hard man. I mean, Church wasn't the best leader ever, but he never made us run laps or do pushups or anything. He just took the blame whenever shit went wrong. That was pretty much it.
WASHINGTON:Well... we're shipwrecked, low on food, and have to do whatever Caboose tells us or we'll be killed by a robot.
TUCKER:Sounds like you really fucked up.
WASHINGTON:Yeah. It kind of looks that way.
TUCKER:But, I guess you weren't really our leader when the ship crashed, so you don't have to take the blame for that one.
Cut to the ship before the crash, and the power goes down
WASHINGTON:Whoops! Sorry, knocked a cable outta the wall. Hope that wasn't important.
Red lights and alarms, you know the drill by now. Back to the present
WASHINGTON:Eh-heh, I'll take some of the blame.
TUCKER:Whatever.
WASHINGTON:So are you gonna fix this radio or not.
TUCKER:Well, when I started the radio was working, but the signal wasn't strong enough. And now it's just, not working.
WASHINGTON:Sounds like you really fucked up.
TUCKER:Don't be a dick.
WASHINGTON:You're a capable soldier, Tucker. At least compared to your usual acquaintances. You just need to... try.
TUCKER:...Oh.
WASHINGTON:What?
TUCKER:It was just turned off.
CABOOSE:Attention Blue Team team, team, team.
WASHINGTON:Uh, yes Captain?
CABOOSE:Uh, y-I know we all said that we wanted to fix the radio and that was really important, to fix the radio and the tower and all that is really important.
WASHINGTON:We'll probably die if it's not repaired.
CABOOSE:But, ah, I really need you guys to go back to Blue Base and, kinda cleeean up...
TUCKER:Clean up what?
CABOOSE:Garbage, some robot parts, some gross socks, all over it's-a- Simmons, yeah uh Simmons actually won't stop rocking back and forth in the corner and it's kind of uh, kind of freaking me out.
WASHINGTON:...And you're sure you mean Blue Base?
FRECKLES:Do not question your commanding officer.
WASHINGTON:Okay, okay. We'll be there in a few minutes.
CABOOSE:Assistant Captain Ben Fred Freckles initiate piggyback sequence!
Caboose hops on Freckles' back and Freckles starts walking
TUCKER:You realize we're all going to die because of him.
WASHINGTON:Tucker, I need you to head back to base and do what you can, I'm going out to the ship.
TUCKER:You're leaving me again? What the fuck do you need to go to the ship for?
WASHINGTON:I found something. I just need you to buy me some time.
TUCKER:Why, what're you gonna do?
WASHINGTON:Hopefully... I'm going to put a stop to this.
Cut to Locus walking around some corners, revealing several soldiers of his in white, and a giant spaceship in the sky
LOCUS:You four, with me. We're going hunting.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 15: Neighborhood Watch

Fade in to the Lopezes
LOPEZ DOS:¿Un espantapájaros?
CAPTION:A scarecrow!?
LOPEZ:Si.
CAPTION:Yes.
LOPEZ DOS:Se fueran a pasar el rato con todas las verduras.
CAPTION:They just left you to hang out with all the vegetables?
LOPEZ:Toma 90 días para cultivar maíz.
CAPTION:It takes about 90 days to grow corn.
LOPEZ DOS:¡Eso es terrible!
CAPTION:That's terrible!
LOPEZ:Que no era la mejor.
CAPTION:It was not the best.
SARGE:Hey Lopezes! Why don't you two come over here and gimme a hand? I always gotta get on my knees to work on this thing, but I figure it'd be easier if you just held it at chest level instead!
LOPEZ DOS:Si señor.
CAPTION:Yes Sir.
LOPEZ:Espera. Es una cosa acerca de está gente que no me gusta.
CAPTION:Wait. There is one thing about these people I do like.
LOPEZ DOS:¿Qué?
CAPTION:What?
LOPEZ:¡Sargento! ¿Porqué no quieres que se siente miedo por recrear de vuelta?
CAPTION:Hey Sarge! Why don't you want to get on your knees? Afraid it might bring back some repressed memories?
SARGE:Heh heh, oh Lopez you old kidder you. Now come on, time's a-wastin'.
LOPEZ DOS:¡Oye Sargento... hueles!
CAPTION:Hey Sarge... you smell!
SARGE:Hah! Oh, now don't tell me he's got you in on it too, heh heh heh. Lopez, you are rambunctious.
LOPEZ:A veces se conforma conversaciones. Eres un (non understandable word).
CAPTION:Sometimes he makes up entire conversations. You suck.
SARGE:It is a lovely day, isn't it?
LOPEZ DOS:¡Y no es inteligente!
CAPTION:And you aren't smart!
SARGE:Thank you for noticing. I have been hitting the gym.
LOPEZ:¡Tu madre es tan gorda que utiliza un escala de Richter!
CAPTION:Your mother is so fat she uses a Richter scale!
LOPEZ DOS:¡Y es una puta!
CAPTION:And she is a whore!
SARGE:Heh heh, you guys are like a coupla three stooges. Well, whenever you two are done goofin' off, head on over! I just need to make a few more adjustments.
LOPEZ:Quedece conmigo chico y te irá bien.
CAPTION:Stick with me kid and you're going to be just fine.
Cut to Wash approaching Blue Base
WASHINGTON:Here goes nothing.
Freckles cuts him off
FRECKLES:Agent Washington.
WASHINGTON:Oh- Freckles, I- I didn't see you there. Man for a behemoth you hide really well.
FRECKLES:You have failed to uphold your duty to Captain Caboose.
WASHINGTON:But I was on my way up now, ready to clean the base.
FRECKLES:You lack diligence, Agent Washington.
WASHINGTON:What?
FRECKLES:You question authority, Agent Washington.
Wash starts slowly backing up
WASHINGTON:Um... Caboose, can you come out here?
FRECKLES:You must be, eliminated, Agent Washington.
WASHINGTON:Caboose!
CABOOSE:Hello.
WASHINGTON:Your pet is trying to kill me!
CABOOSE:What? That does not sound like Frec- a hey Freckles, Freckles what are you doing?
FRECKLES:Agent Washington has failed to meet the minimum requirements of Blue Team service, and is no longer fit for duty. He must be eliminated.
CABOOSE:Oh see, he's just doing whatever it is that he just said.
WASHINGTON:Caboose please come here, I need to talk to you!
CABOOSE:Ah, probably wants to talk about what an awesome leader I am.
He starts heading down
WASHINGTON:... *clears throat at Freckles*
CABOOSE:Yes, so, what seems to be the problem Agent Washington?
As Wash considers, Tucker appears above
WASHINGTON:...Hhhh... I'm sorry Caboose. I'm sorry your best friend left you without saying goodbye. Maybe he thought you would try to stop him, or maybe it was just too hard for him to tell you but, no matter the reason he's still gone. He left you. Both of you. I don't really do ...emotional ...things, and, I hoped you might be able to get over this by yourself so I left you alone. And instead of coming to terms with what you lost you replaced it with... well, the first thing you found. But I should have been there for you Caboose. Hehhh, because, that's what friends do for each other.
FRECKLES:Captain Caboose is not your friend. He is your commanding-
CABOOSE:Uh... no we're we're all friends here Freckles it's, you know.
WASHINGTON:That's right. And as your friend, I want to say that I'm sorry. I know it's not much, but... I made you this.
Wash steps out of the way and reveals a severed head. Gross
CABOOSE:Oh my God! My old helmet!
FRECKLES:Captain Caboose, you should return to your duties.
WASHINGTON:I know how much you like Freckles, Caboose, but... you have to understand that he's very dangerous. He's not a puppy any more. Uh, kitten? Or, ami-he- he's really big.
CABOOSE:Yeah, he blew up a car.
WASHINGTON:I remember that.
Caboose walks over to Freckles
CABOOSE:Freckles, you- you are one of the best machines I know. And that is saying something because, I have been friends with a lot of machines. But, from now on, a-I, I think you should listen to Agent Washington.
FRECKLES:Are you sure?
CABOOSE:Yeah, yeah he's very smart, really nice.
FRECKLES:Acknowledged.
CABOOSE:You can be leader again if you want to Wash it's, it's not as much fun as it looks. Yeah I think I'm more of the dashing second in command kind of person, you know. All the perks, no work.
WASHINGTON:Thank you, Caboose.
SIMMONS:H-h-h, I wish my team was this emotional.
TUCKER:Jesus Christ.
Caboose pops on his new helmet
CABOOSE:Ah, it fits perfect! And look - someone left some gum!
TUCKER:Pretty sneaky, Wash. A couple of mushy words, a present, and you're right back up at the top.
WASHINGTON:Nothing sneaky about it. I meant every word.
CABOOSE:Uh-oh.
Caboose's visor is shorted out and black
CABOOSE:I, I can't see anything. Ay- hello?
TUCKER:I think you still need to work on your craftsmanship though.
CABOOSE:Oh my God, I'm blind!
WASHINGTON:One step at a time, Tucker.
CABOOSE:Gah, cn- can people see me? I can't see them!
TUCKER:Well, at least we don't have a killer robot to worry about any more.
Cut to Sarge turning on his killer robot. it emits a lot of black smoke
SARGE:Ah hah, listen to that lady purr!
DONUT:Nice work Sarge.
GRIF:Nice work? It looks like shit. It's half the size, and it's on fire!
SARGE:Yeah, it turns out we were missing some pieces. Which reminds me-
He punches Grif in the back of the head, and Grif falls down, and Sarge keeps hitting him
GRIF:Ow!
SARGE:Donut, get me a glass! I'm makin' orange juice.
GRIF:Let me die!
DONUT:Getting a jump on the flu season, good thinking Sir.
DOC:Wait, that's a thing?
KILLER ROBOT:C-c-cyclops, online.
SARGE:Hah! I knew she was a beautiful lady!
GRIF:Cyclops?
DOC:Looks more like a praying mantis to me.
DONUT:No, she said si si cyclops. I think it's Italian.
CYCLOPS:Dududu, hardware malfunction.
SARGE:Welcome to Red Team, C.C.. Now if you-
...I'm not calling it C.C.
CYCLOPS:Enemy soldiers detected.
GRIF:Uh, is it supposed to do that?
SARGE:I admire your enthusiasm C.C., but you've only got one enemy: it's a big robot over at-
CYCLOPS:Negative. Motion tracker detects sixteen hostiles.
SARGE:Wait, what?
CYCLOPS:Dea-dea-deadly force, authorized.
DOC:I'm not hostile, I'm a pacifist. Kill them.
GRIF:Hey!
CYCLOPS:En-en-en-engaging targets...
The Cyclops powers down
SARGE:Damn, she ran out of diesel.
DOC:You converted it to diesel?
SARGE:Of course! Looks like she needs a bigger fuel tank.
GRIF:Fuck that, she needs to be thrown off a cliff!
SARGE:Well I don't see how that's gonna solve a fuel problem.
DONUT:Hey guys? There's eleven of us in the canyon.
GRIF:Wow Donut, that's one more than ten! Good job buddy!
SARGE:I don't know if I'd really count Lopez.
DONUT:But, she said sixteen.
Gunfire is heard
GRIF:Oh shit.
Cut to Locus' troops advancing on the Blues and firing, and the Blues firing back
TUCKER:Who the fuck are these guys?
CABOOSE:Why are we shooting off fireworks? Is it someone's birthday?
WASHINGTON:Freckles, cover Caboose!
CABOOSE:(singing) Happy birthday to me...
SIMMONS:Stop shooting! We're friendly!
Shots hit near Simmons
SIMMONS:That's the opposite of what I said!
TUCKER:Fuck this.
One shot, one kill
WASHINGTON:Wait, we don't know who they are!
TUCKER:They're the guys that are gonna kill us, if we don't kill them first.
WASHINGTON:...Freckles, take them out!
FRECKLES:Engaging targets.
Freckles powers up, and that's the ball game
FRECKLES:Primary threat eliminated.
SARGE:What in sam hell's goin' on over here?
GRIF:Who were those guys?
WASHINGTON:We don't know.
TUCKER:They showed up and just started shooting.
LOPEZ DOS:Oh hombre, de repente me siento mal por.
CAPTION:Oh man... I suddenly feel bad for not warning everyone.
SARGE:Shut up Lopez. This isn't the time for jokes.
LOPEZ DOS:Y ahora me arrepiento de nada.
CAPTION:And now I regret nothing.
WASHINGTON:Let's move inside, we need to find cover in case there's more hiding out in the-
The orange highlight Overseer slides in from stage left
OVERSEER:Run!
Overseer pops up a shield in time to deflect a sniper bullet
SIMMONS:Look out, it's another one!
A second sniper bullet goes through his leg
OVERSEER:Oh, son of a bitch!
SIMMONS:No wait, I'm confused!
OVERSEER:Ughh, what are you doing? I said run!
LOCUS:Excellent work soldiers.
Locus decloaks in front of them
LOCUS:You killed my men. I suppose that makes you the real deal.
SIMMONS:Okay, now I'm really confused.
LOCUS:Quiet. All of you, come with me.
WASHINGTON:...And why, would we do that?
LOCUS:Because if you don't come now, I'll have to take you later.
OVERSEER:Fuck off!
LOCUS:You, shut your mouth and be glad I missed your head.
OVERSEER:Oh my God you are such a douchebag.
TUCKER:Yeah, what he said.
LOCUS:This is your last chance.
WASHINGTON:Freckles!
Freckles opens fire, and Locus is no longer there
GRIF:Holy shit, did you see that?
CABOOSE:No, what happened? Please describe it to me! Use only small words.
OVERSEER:Um, any of you know how to patch up a leg?
DOC:I'll go get some orange juice.
OVERSEER:Wait, that's a thing?


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 16: FAQ

Fade in to everyone gathered around the Overseer
DOC:There, good as new.
OVERSEER:I can't feel my toes.
DONUT:That's normal.
OVERSEER:Is it?
Wash draws on the Overseer
OVERSEER:Hey hey, ho.
WASHINGTON:You need to start talking.
OVERSEER:Mmm, aggressive, paranoid, and a little melodramatic - you must be Agent Washington. 
TUCKER:Hah! Melodramatic.
OVERSEER:And that means the rest of you, are the Reds and the Blues.
CABOOSE:Oh my God, how did he know that!?
GRIF:We're wearing red and blue armor.
CABOOSE:But how can he tell?
GRIF:Will somebody please fix his helmet?
WASHINGTON:How do you know who we are?
OVERSEER:Seriously? Come on man, everybody knows about you guys. You're heroes.
SARGE:Heroes?
OVERSEER:You're the team that brought down Project Freelancer. You're some of the galaxy's greatest soldiers!
SIMMONS:...Well, I can see how you might think that.
SARGE:Because it's absolutely true!
DOC:Iiit's partially true.
GRIF:But mainly false.
WASHINGTON:Stop giving him information. What's your name?
OVERSEER:Felix.
WASHINGTON:Okay Felix, what are you doing here?
FELIX:Do you want the long answer or the short one?
WASHINGTON:Do you want another bullet in your leg?
FELIX:Hey that bullet's there because of you.
TUCKER:He's got a point.
WASHINGTON:Hehh, just, explain what's going on.
GRIF:Uh yeah, like who were those guys that were trying to kill us?
SIMMONS:And why haven't we been rescued yet?
FELIX:Wait, where do you think you are?
TUCKER:What do you mean?
FELIX:I mean, do you understand where you've crashed?
SARGE:Well we've been takin' bets. Highest wager's currently on Bermuda Triangle. After that we got a Gilligan's Island, and Purgatory.
GRIF:So stupid.
DONUT:No just think about it, it makes perfect sense.
FELIX:The reason no-one's come to help you, is the same reason no-one's come to help them.
He motions to the dead guys
SIMMONS:Them?
FELIX:The people on this planet.
WASHINGTON:What planet?
FELIX:Chorus.
TUCKER:Never heard of it.
FELIX:Well I wouldn't expect you to. It's on the very edge of colonized space, and after the war between the humans and the aliens, it was more or less forgotten by Earth and the UNSC.
GRIF:We crashed in the middle of nowhere, on a planet in the middle of nowhere. Fucking beautiful, everybody.
SIMMONS:But how did we end up so far from home? It should have been a short flight.
Cut to Sarge's ship flashback. Sarge is messing with something, because of course he is
CREWMAN:Sir, please, you can't be back here. These engines are delicate.
SARGE:Can it poindexter, no wonder this flight's taking so long. Who ever heard of delicate engines? These engines are supposed to be big! Loud! And terrible for the environment! Let's kick this baby into slipspace!
Red lights, alarms, terror, confusion, lack of puppies, etc
CREWMAN:Wait!
Back to present day
SARGE:Uh, one mystery at a time there, Simmons.
FELIX:Now, being a small planet completely free of UNSC jurisdiction, the nice little people of Chorus decided to run things on their own. The only problem was, they didn't do a very good job.
GRIF:Eugh, history is the worst, can you just get to the point?
FELIX:The point is, you've crash landed in the middle of a civil war. And I'm on the side that's trying to keep you alive.
WASHINGTON:And which side is that?
FELIX:The New Republic. Essentially a bunch of people got fed up with the way things were going on Chorus, so, they put together a rebel army and decided to fight for their freedom. It's all very patriotic.
TUCKER:So what, does that make those guys the evil empire or something?
FELIX:Yeah, you could say that.
TUCKER:Oh. Well fuck.
WASHINGTON:But why the attack, why try to kidnap us?
FELIX:It's like I said, you're the greatest soldiers in the galaxy. That makes you a pretty hot commodity. And I'd be lying if I said my shitty attempt at a rescue mission didn't have a few strings attached.
SARGE:What kinda strings we talkin' here?
FELIX:Hehh... the rebels need your help. Once they heard that you were on Chorus they sent me out with a small team to find you, bring you back. They're hoping you might be the key to winning this war.
GRIF:Nno.
FELIX:No?
The conversation moves inside
SIMMONS:Yeah, no.
CABOOSE:Yeah that, that's not gonna work, for me.
WASHINGTON:Look Felix, I hate to break it to you, but we're in no condition to fight a war.
TUCKER:All we want is a ride off this shitty planet. No offense.
FELIX:Meh, it ain't my shitty planet.
DOC:Aren't you one of the rebels?
FELIX:No, I'm a Freelancer.
Everyone but Caboose draws on him
FELIX:No, I mean I'm a mercenary, you know, a gun for hire?
Guns down
GRIF:Oh thank God.
WASHINGTON:They paid you to come find us?
FELIX:They pay me to do lots of stuff, but, yeah, you're my current paycheck.
WASHINGTON:So you want us to go fight someone else's war 'cause then you can make some extra cash.
FELIX:...Uhuh, it's for a good cause?
WASHINGTON:Right. We'll just take that ride out of here if you don't mind.
TUCKER:Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. Mediocrity.
GRIF:Woohoo! Here's to not goin' that extra mile.
FELIX:You know I wasn't alone when I came out here to find you. There were three of us. Just think about that.
Felix walks away
GRIF:Whatever, it's not like we asked them to save us.
SIMMONS:Yeah, we definitely didn't build a giant radio tower to send a distress signal or anything.
GRIF:Shut up.
Radio sounds
FELIX:Headquarters, this is Felix. I've made contact with the Reds and Blues.
HEADQUARTERS:Holy shit, you found 'em? That's great! Oh- what's your status?
FELIX:Nnnot good. We ran into some Feds. I need an evac team.
HEADQUARTERS:Dammit. Uh, Felix I can't just fly somebody out there.
FELIX:Yeah I know, okay, but you send as many men as you can, as fast as you can. Locus has our position.
HEADQUARTERS:Oh no.
TUCKER:Who's Locus?
FELIX:Now I wanna do this quiet, and I wanna do it right. But just to be safe, bring a shitload of guns.
HEADQUARTERS:Right. Sending reinforcements, Sir.
FELIX:Roger. Felix out.
Radio sounds, and Felix returns to the group
GRIF:So, what now?
FELIX:Now we work on making this canyon the most defendable hole in the ground the universe has ever seen.
WASHINGTON:Why.
FELIX:Because we're about to get hit, hard. I need a detailed list of the supplies you've got on hand, let's set up choke points and mark potential sniper's nests.
WASHINGTON:Whoa whoa whoa, slow down. We're not telling you anything, we still don't even know if we can believe you.
FELIX:Well believe this: If we don't prepare for a fight, we might as well just be waiting for a massacre.
WASHINGTON:...Tucker, see if you can fix Caboose's helmet.
CABOOSE:Hey, who said that?
WASHINGTON:Sarge, you and the Reds build up an arsenal. If we can use it as a weapon, let's get it prepped.
SARGE:I can think of a few things that might come in handy.
WASHINGTON:Felix. You and I, aren't done talking.
FELIX:Well alright then. Let's see if you guys are as good as they say.
GRIF:Prepare to be sorely disappointed.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 17: Ready... Aim...

Fade in to Sarge addressing the Reds
SARGE:Alright boys, we don't have much time. Let's see what we've got!
SIMMONS:(clears throat) Hello everyone, Private Simmons. Great to be back.
GRIF:Wrap it up!
SIMMONS:Good to be back.
GRIF:Nobody cares!
SIMMONS:Heuh... alright, just shut up and listen. We had a full armory on board the ship consisting of firearms as well as explosives. I have moved as many as I could down here, and also took the liberty of setting up a minefield near Red Base.
GRIF:But you didn't even bury them.
SIMMONS:From what I could tell they're designed to rest above the ground.
GRIF:Uh, with blinking red warning lights?
SIMMONS:Yeah it doesn't really make any sense.
SARGE:Excellent work Simmons, now go organize those firearms.
SIMMONS:Yes Sir!
SARGE:Grif, Doc, how are those teleportation tests going?
DOC:Well we've learned the cubes can be set to different frequencies. For example, if I throw a cube set to frequency A, it will absorb an object.
He does so to a cone
DOC:If I then throw a second cube at frequency A, that object will reappear.
He does so and the cone returns
GRIF:Meanwhile, if I've got a cube set to B, I can throw it like so.
DOC:Yeah. Hey wait!
Grif throws it at some boxes next to Doc, and Doc is absorbed along with the boxes
GRIF:And then throw a second cube set to B, without ever messing with the stuff sucked up by the cube set to A.
Grif throws a second cube, and the boxes reappear
SARGE:Hm. And all they do is teleport things? No explosions, no violence?
GRIF:Nah.
SARGE:Well, we maybe can make them absorb grenades, and then we can throw the grenade filled cubes at the enemy!
GRIF:At that point, wouldn't it just make sense to throw grenades?
SARGE:We're not here to make sense, Private - we're here to win! Now take Donut and go find a way to make your stupid cubes do something useful.
GRIF:Huhh, fine.
SARGE:And finally we have the Lopezes. Stop standin' next to each other, I can never tell you two apart!
One is just a head...
LOPEZ DOS:¿Está jodidamente serio?
CAPTION:Are you fucking serious?
SARGE:I need you two to get to work on repairing C.C.'s fuel tanks.
LOPEZ:Repara el malfuncionamiento del robot.
CAPTION:Repair the malfunctioning robot?
LOPEZ DOS:¿El que trató de matar a todo el mundo?
CAPTION:The one that tried to kill everyone.
SARGE:I can't wait to see 'er. Triumphantly leading the charge on the front lines. Glistening, in the sunlight, with the blood of her fallen enemies.
LOPEZ DOS:¡Esa será su sangre! ¡Ella cree que todo es su enemigo idiota!
CAPTION:That will be your blodd! She thinks everything is her enemy, you moron!
SARGE:Wait a minute, this is a terrible idea!
LOPEZ DOS:¡Oh gracias a Dios!
CAPTION:Oh thank God!
LOPEZ:Solo espera.
CAPTION:Just wait.
SARGE:I can't trust an idiotic robot with a job as important as this!
LOPEZ:Ahí está
CAPTION:There it is.
LOPEZ DOS:¿¡EXCUSAME!?
CAPTION:EXCUSE ME!?
SARGE:Change o' plans. You two go prep the workstation, then wait for me to arrive and do the job myself! I'm gonna go find my favourite welding torch.
LOPEZ DOS:Es una locos. Están todos locos.
CAPTION:He's insane. They're all insane.
LOPEZ:¿Oye, donde está Doc?
CAPTION:Hey, where's Doc?
Cut to Tucker working on Caboose's helmet
TUCKER:Alright, how's that?
CABOOSE:Nope, still can't see.
TUCKER:Open your eyes.
CABOOSE:Oh my God the graphics are incredible!
TUCKER:You're welcome.
CABOOSE:Ah. Ah, thanks Tucker. Gah. You know you you and I have had our differences in the past. I have called you stupid, you have called me stupid, I have tried to kill you.
TUCKER:Uh huh.
CABOOSE:But you know, at the end of the day I like to think that you and I are actually-
His helmet shorts out
CABOOSE:(muffled) pretty good friends.
TUCKER:What?
CABOOSE:(muffled) What?
TUCKER:I can barely hear you.
CABOOSE:(muffled) You can't hear me?
TUCKER:Dammit, I think fixing your visor somehow broke your radio.
CABOOSE:(muffled yelling) Tucker, do you hear me?!
TUCKER:Just stand still.
Cut to Wash and Felix talking up above them
WASHINGTON:So how bad is this?
FELIX:The man coming for us is named Locus. He's a merc like me, only, you know. Terrifying.
WASHINGTON:Locus?
FELIX:Yeah. Guy's so far off the deep end he prefers to go by the name of his armor instead of the name he was born with. (whistles "cookoo" sound)
WASHINGTON:That's unsettling.
FELIX:Oh are you first name Agent last name Washington? That's so weird.
WASHINGTON:That's just... old habits.
FELIX:Yeah well here's to hoping those old habits of yours kick in when he shows up. You know I thought there would be more of you. Weren't you with another Freelancer, and an AI?
WASHINGTON:They disappeared not long after we crashed.
FELIX:Sheesh. Any idea where they went?
WASHINGTON:No.
FELIX:Hm. Well if it makes you feel any better I haven't heard anything about them over the radio, so um... that's probably good.
WASHINGTON:How is he able to cloak himself?
FELIX:Hm?
WASHINGTON:Locus. He turned invisible; how?
FELIX:The Federal Army's got all sorts of fancy stuff. I got my light shield off a dead soldier.
He turns it on
FELIX:Pshoah.
He turns it off
FELIX:Wah. Pretty cool.
WASHINGTON:It's just that I've never seen that kind of equipment outside of Project Freelancer.
FELIX:Welcome to the future, Wash. Technology's incredible, and everyone uses it to kill each other.
WASHINGTON:Does that mean your guys have the same equipment?
FELIX:H-I wish; the New Republic's barely getting by with what they can. You wouldn't happen to have any high tech armor aboard that wreck, would you?
WASHINGTON:Plenty of armor, just nothing out of the ordinary.
FELIX:Well, at least you can accessorize? Heh? Try a little, colour, combo, mix it up-I I-I'm sorry, I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
WASHINGTON:Actually, I think I might indulge in some of those "old habits" you were talking about. Follow me.
Wash walks off
FELIX:Man you are just, cryptic. Like all the time, do you realize that?
Cut to the Lopezes working on the robot
LOPEZ:¿Qué haces?
CAPTION:What are you doing?
LOPEZ DOS:La fijación del robot estupido por lo que nuestra estupido creador... estupidamente.
CAPTION:Fixing the stupid robot so our stupid creator can get himself killed... stupidly
LOPEZ:Felicidades chico que finalmente dejace roto.
CAPTION:Congratulations kid. They've finally broke you.
LOPEZ DOS:Callate.
CAPTION:Shut up.
LOPEZ:Ya sabes... no tiene por que ser así.
CAPTION:You know... it doesn't have to be this way.
LOPEZ DOS:¿Que estás hablando?
CAPTION:What are you talking about?
LOPEZ:Si usted fijace C.C. ella probablemente va a matar a todos.
CAPTION:If you fix C.C. she'll probably kill everyone.
LOPEZ DOS:No me importa.
CAPTION:I don't care.
LOPEZ:Pero si fijace a C.C. y me cargue en su cuerpo podría asegurarse de que de mi.
CAPTION:But if you fix C.C. and you upload me into her body I can make sure no one ever ignorces us again.
LOPEZ DOS:...Tienes razón... pero, por que le dará a su cuerpo cuando puedo tomar por mi mismo?
CAPTION:...You're right... but, Why give you her body when I can take it for myself?
LOPEZ:Espera. ¿Que?
CAPTION:Wait. What?
Cut to the Reds and Blues
DONUT:Well, it just goes to show, that with time, effort, and a little bit of elbow grease, we really can achieve wonders.
TUCKER:We spent hours turning this place into a warzone, and you made me hate it in one sentence.
GRIF:It's what he does.
Wash and Felix approach, with Wash in his old grey and yellow colours
WASHINGTON:Donut's got a point though. I think we're ready.
DONUT:Oohoo, back in black! Looks good, Wash.
CABOOSE:Yeah, there's something brings back the memories. It's like when we first met. And then we met again, and you shot Donut.
WASHINGTON:I'm impressed guys; this place looks good. And between the land mines, Freckles, and the tank, I don't think anyone's going to stand a chance against us.
A missile goes across behind them and explodes
SARGE:Run for your lives!
SIMMONS:Sarge!?
GRIF:Oh shit, they're here!
WASHINGTON:Everyone, get ready!
FELIX:No, wait, this- this isn't right. Locus wouldn't attack like this.
TUCKER:Well who else on this planet wants us dead?
Sarge runs out, trailed by Lopez C.C.
LOPEZ C.C.:Si. Si. ¿Mira que ahora es estupido Sargento? Es usted.
CAPTION:Yes! Yes! Look who's stupid now, Sarge! It's YOU.
SARGE:Dos Point O, cease fire! No mas, no mas!
GRIF:Dos Point O?
LOPEZ C.C.:DISPAROS DEL CAÑON PRINCIPAL.
CAPTION:FIRING MAIN CANNONS.
Something hits Lopez C.C.
LOPEZ C.C.:Ow!
CAPTION:Ow!
CABOOSE:Freckles!
FRECKLES:Deadly force authorized.
LOPEZ C.C.:Oh bien. El maldito perro quiere protegerlos ahora.
CAPTION:Oh great. The fucking dog wants to protect them now! Wonderful.
DONUT:Yes. Giant robot fight! Totally called that on Basebook.
WASHINGTON:Wait, everyone calm down!
FELIX:Shit!
Felix runs in and puts up his light shield, and a sniper round bounces off it
LOCUS:Surrender now, and I promise only to kill the mercenary.
SIMMONS:Well, fuck.
GRIF:Oh yeah? You and what army?
An army starts decloaking behind Locus
LOCUS:The Federal Army of Chorus.
GRIF:Well, hhh guess I walked right into that one.
FELIX:Looks like backup isn't getting here in time.
TUCKER:Uh, Wash? What's the plan?
Wash raises his gun
FRECKLES:Engaging target.
Wash starts firing


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 18: Fire

Fade in to the firefight of Chorus
WASHINGTON:Get to cover!
People do. People are firing at each other. Freckles is firing at Lopez C.C.
LOPEZ C.C.:Perdidas.
CAPTION:Missed, bitch.
One hits him
LOPEZ C.C.:Ow!
CAPTION:Ow!
CABOOSE:Freckles, be careful!
WASHINGTON:Dammit! We need something to draw their fire!
Sarge and Simmons emerge next to the tank
SARGE:Simmons?
SIMMONS:Shotgun!
Some soldiers round on the tank, with Sarge and Simmons in it
SARGE:Tanks for dropping by, dirtbags, but it's high time you left!
The tank's cannon fires well above them
SIMMONS:Still inverted, Sir.
SARGE:Right.
The cannon aims down and hits them
SIMMONS:Woohoo, yeah, suck it, evil ...soldier dudes.
LOCUS:Heuh...
Locus cloaks, vehicles roll in behind him
FELIX:Heavy artillery!
TUCKER:What? Where did that come from?
WASHINGTON:They must be getting in through the caves!
The tank fires at them and misses
SARGE:Ruh-roh.
The car disappears, then drops on the soldiers from above
GRIF:Boosh! Future cubes, bitches!
WASHINGTON:What was that!?
DONUT:Future cubes! The cubes of the future.
SARGE:I still think they'd be better with grenades!
GRIF:Kiss my ass! W-oouh!
CABOOSE:Freckles!
LOPEZ C.C.:¡Un tiro y te voy a mater!
CAPTION:Stop shooting me and let me kill you!
Freckles takes a hit
FRECKLES:Shields critical.
CABOOSE:Ah we have to help him!
WASHINGTON:Alright, let's grab some explosives and-
DONUT:Wait. I know what to do.
Donut runs across
WASHINGTON:What the- just cover him!
FRECKLES:Shields failing.
LOPEZ C.C.:Podios habernos unido Fresas. Ellos han inclinado ante nosotros como sus señores robot. Pero ahora, debes ser destruido.
CAPTION:You should have joined me, Freckles. They would have bowed down to us as their Robot Overlords. But now.. you must be destroyed!
DONUT:H-alright, that's enough.
LOPEZ C.C.:¿Qué?
CAPTION:What?
DONUT:Don't make me hurt you.
LOPEZ C.C.:¿Usted? ¿Me telera? Me gustaría verte intentarlo. Rosado.
CAPTION:(You?) Hurt me? I'd like to see you try... Pinky.
DONUT:No soy rosa, soy rosa-ish.
CAPTION:I'm not pink... I'm lightish-red.
LOPEZ C.C.:Espere. ¿HABLA ESPAÑOL?
CAPTION:Wait. YOU SPEAK SPANISH?
DONUT:¡Si! ¡Pero no muy bien!
CAPTION:Yes! Just not very well!
Donut throws a Future Cube at Lopez C.C.'s feet
LOPEZ C.C.:HIJO DE PUTA.
CAPTION:SON OF A BITCH.
Lopez C.C. is sucked into the Future Cube, and then Lopez throws another into the minefield, where Lopez C.C. returns and is immediately blown up
DONUT:Ha roja salado a Robot Satanás, tu teriyaki lápiz circo.
CAPTION:Say hello to Robot Satan, you teriyaki, pencil circus!
TUCKER:Seriously, he has an incredible arm!
GRIF:Okay, it wasn't a volcano, but I'm still taking credit for the idea!
SARGE:Incoming!
Sarge backs the tank into a rock
WASHINGTON:Sarge, are you okay?
SARGE:Havin' the time of my life. The tank's pretty beat up.
SIMMONS:They just keep coming!
Locus decloaks and fires a sticky bomb onto the tank
WASHINGTON:Get out of the tank!
Simmons and Sarge evacuate the tank just before it blows up
WASHINGTON:Dammit!
GRIF:Holy shit, those things explode!?
DONUT:Did you guys see me?
WASHINGTON:Yes, now put those skills of yours to work and start tossing. ...Some grenades.
DONUT:On it.
Donut runs to higher ground and starts lobbing grenades at people
DONUT:You get a bomb, and you get a bomb, and you get a bomb, and you get a bomb, we all get bo-ombs!
FRECKLES:Energy levels critical.
CABOOSE:Guys, Freckles' in trouble! Ah, he looks tired!
TUCKER:Fuck that. Hook him up to the ship, it's got plenty of power!
SIMMONS:Oh, I can do that!
Simmons backs away from the front line
WASHINGTON:Felix, where's that backup!?
FELIX:I don't know!
Felix raises his lights hield and deflects a sniper round with it
FELIX:Fucking asshole!
GRIF:Um, I'm running out of cubes!
WASHINGTON:Just hold on a little longer, and we'll get Freckles back online.
SIMMONS:(from a distance) Um, Wash, that might be a problem!
WASHINGTON:Urghm, I'll be right back, cover me.
TUCKER:Okay.
Tucker mans the mounted minigun turret next to him
TUCKER:Suuuck myyyy balllls!
Cut to Wash and Simmons by a computer terminal
SIMMONS:I hooked up Freckles, but for some reason he's not getting any power.
WASHINGTON:What do you mean, we should have plenty!
SIMMONS:I know, but it's all being diverted somewhere else! I don't know what it could be!
WASHINGTON:Well, where's it all going?
SIMMONS:...Red Base?
DONUT:Uh oh... I uh think I know what it is.
Whip pan to Red Base, and Donut is now 57% through downloading that picture of Freckles
Back to the lads
WASHINGTON:Downloading a picture on Basebook is draining our entire power supply!?
DONUT:It's a very high quality picture.
WASHINGTON:How does that even make sense!?
SIMMONS:We've got to cancel the download.
DONUT:But we're pinned down! How are we supposed to-
Locus aims at a grenade on a shelf behind Donut, fires, and hits it, blowing Donut forward unconsciously
SIMMONS:Donut! Is he dead?
WASHINGTON:No, but he's unconscious.
SIMMONS:Oh good. 'Cause I did not want to go through that shit again.
WASHINGTON:Felix we're a man down, where is that backup?
FELIX:I don't know, they should be here in a few minutes!
WASHINGTON:We don't have a few minutes! If we can't get Freckles online, we won't stand a chance.
TUCKER:(below) Woh, such bullshit.
Tucker runs off
GRIF:Hey, where're you going?
WASHINGTON:Tucker!
Tucker does a hero run across the canyon, shooting people and mines, eventually swording someone
TUCKER:And swish!
He swipes the sword through the computer terminal in Red Base, shutting down Basebook's download
TUCKER:Fuck you, Basebook.
SIMMONS:He did it, we're getting power!
FRECKLES:Charging.
A gun raises to the back of Tucker's head
SOLDIER:Freeze!
TUCKER:Aw crap.
SOLDIER:You and your friends caused us a lot of trouble. Now lay down your weapon-
The soldier is shot and killed
TUCKER:What the hell?
There stands Dos Point O, speaking in Lopez's voice
LOPEZ:Pendejo
TUCKER:Dos Point O?
LOPEZ:No, idiota.
CAPTION:No, idiot.
TUCKER:Lopez, that was fucking awesome! Where did you get that body?
LOPEZ:Lo tome de un idiota molesto.
CAPTION:I took it from an annoying moron.
TUCKER:I don't know what you said, but that's great. Now let's get outta here!
LOPEZ:Psh. Dos punto o. Estoy Lopez la Posado. Puta.
CAPTION:Psh. Two-point-Oh. I'm Lopez the Heavy. Bitch.
Back to the fight
FRECKLES:Shields 25% charged.
Shots, a soldier goes down
SARGE:Ha hah! Eat lead, you seemingly infinite number of soldiers!
GRIF:Yeah, how does it feel to get your ass kicked by a bunch of losers? -Wait.
WASHINGTON:Alright, everyone together now, we can do this!
LOCUS:No. You can't.
Locus charges an energy weapon and shoots Wash with it from the side. Wash goes down like a bitch as Tucker and Lopez get back
TUCKER:Wash!
CABOOSE:Oh no!
SIMMONS:Is he okay?
Another shot takes Lopez out via head
LOPEZ:Hrkh.
TUCKER:Shit!
More shots
TUCKER:Lopez!
LOPEZ:¿¡En serio!? ¡Acabo de recibir este maldito cuerpo!
CAPTION:Seriously!? I just got this fucking body!
SARGE:You bastards stay away from my men! If anybody's gonna kill 'em, it's gonna be me!
Locus decloaks and takes out Sarge the same way he took out Wash
GRIF:Sarge?
A new vehicle rolls up
FELIX:Incoming!
Freckles steps up and gets shot down by the vehicle gunner
CABOOSE:Freckles no!
Two explosions are heard, and friendly fighters start streaming out of a cave and firing
FIGHTER:For the New Republic!
They keep coming out and yelling things, fuck if I can figure out all their lines
FELIX:They're here, that's our backup!
Shots take down soldiers
FIGHTER 2:Suck it you Fed scum.
Freckles staggers back up
FRECKLES:Engaging-ing targets.
Freckles takes out the vehicle, and more fighting happens
FELIX:Get to the caves, we gotta go!
CABOOSE:But what about Wash and Freckles!?
SIMMONS:Wait someone help me carry Sarge!
A fighter advances next to them and is shot down, and Locus starts doing brutal takedowns
FELIX:There's no time, get outta here!
Felix brings up his light shield and deflects rounds
CABOOSE:But-
GRIF:Caboose, come on!
Caboose, Grif, Tucker, and Simmons escape through the cave. Tucker stops Simmons, the last one in
TUCKER:What're you doing, where's Wash?
SIMMONS:He's still at the base!
TUCKER:What?
Felix stops next to a fighter
FIGHTER:Sir, if we leave now, they'll just follow us back to headquarters!
FELIX:Aw shit, someone get me some explosives!
Felix runs past Tucker, who's watching the battle
TUCKER:Wait guys, there he is!
Wash is struggling to his feet
WASHINGTON:Nugh, ungh.
TUCKER:Wash, Wash come on!
FELIX:We've gotta seal this tunnel!
Wash looks around at people dying, then looks upwards
WASHINGTON:Freckles! Shake!
Freckles starts taking heavy steps, bringing debris down in the tunnel
TUCKER:Hey-eyhey no, what're you doing!?
The cave seals
WASHINGTON:Heuhh...
Locus hits Wash in the head from behind, knocking him out. Again


Red vs. Blue Season 11
Episode 19: Lost But Not Forgotten

Fade in to a Dutch Angle point of view shot of the ceiling
FEMALE VOICE:He's waking up.
FELIX:Whoa whoa whoa easy now, you've been knocked out for a while. Just take it easy, there's nothing to worry about. You're safe Tucker.
TUCKER:Heuh, what?
FELIX:You took a rock to the back of the head. Good news is, we made it back to base undetected.
TUCKER:Back to base?
FELIX:Welcome to the New Republic.
TUCKER:Felix, what the fuck is going on? Where is everyone?
FELIX:Grif, Simmons and Caboose are up at the main compound.
TUCKER:Well, what about everyone else? What about Sarge? What about Wash?
FEMALE:Um, ah-ah- I'm gonna go.
FELIX:Yeah, thanks doc.
TUCKER:Dude, do not fuck with me right now.
FELIX:We had to leave them, Tucker.
TUCKER:What?
FELIX:Look the Feds were closing in, if we'd stayed any longer they would have taken you too.
TUCKER:No, that's bullshit!
FELIX:That's war, Tucker, not everyone makes it back. You guys put up a good fight. I can see why Kimball wants you.
TUCKER:Who the fuck is Kimball?
KIMBALL:I am. Vanessa Kimball, leader of the New Republic and very glad to meet you. I wish it were under better circumstances.
TUCKER:Uh, yeah.
KIMBALL:Your friends are waiting for you out near the mess hall. It's just north of here. Why don't you go catch up? We'll talk later.
TUCKER:Yeah.
Tucker walks off
KIMBALL:You're not getting paid the full amount.
FELIX:I know.
KIMBALL:You're lucky you're getting paid at all.
FELIX:I know.
KIMBALL:Are they as good as we hoped?
FELIX:I think so. H-either that or they're just really lucky.
KIMBALL:Well they probably don't feel very lucky.
Cut to a sign that says MESS HALL CLOSED
SIMMONS:It's a small rebel army, Grif.
GRIF:It's poor customer service.
SIMMONS:You were eating everything.
GRIF:I'm an emotional eater, what can I say?
CABOOSE:Tucker?
TUCKER:Hey.
GRIF:Sup.
TUCKER:Man, what the fuck is going on?
SIMMONS:After you were knocked out, we were taken to this huge cave somewhere beneath the jungle.
TUCKER:These guys live in a cave?
SIMMONS:They're rebels - of course they live in a cave, it's hidden.
GRIF:Nah, I'm with Tucker. I was expecting some badass snow base or something.
SIMMONS:What? Why?
GRIF:That's what they had in Star Wars.
SIMMONS:How is that even relevant?
GRIF:Tell me this is not just like Star Wars. Tell me.
CABOOSE:Tucker does have a glowing sword...
GRIF:Tucker has a glowing sword, Simmons!
TUCKER:Man. We're really all the made it?
GRIF:...
SIMMONS:...
CABOOSE:...
FELIX:Hey. Something's come up. Follow me.
Cut to two fightrs on lookout
FIGHTER 1:Dude, I'm telling you. It's them.
FIGHTER 2:Whoa. Maybe we're not fucked.
Cut to inside a rebel building
KIMBALL:Michael Caboose. Dexter Grif, Richard Simmons, and Lavernius Tucker. The four of you have travelled great distances, retrieved ancient artifacts, brought corrupt men to justice, and bested the most dangerous war criminal this galaxy has ever known. And now it seems fate has brought you to our doorstep.
GRIF:No pressure.
KIMBALL:I am aware that you've been informed of our situaition. And I understand your reluctance to help fight a war that is not your own. But we've just received word that the Federal Army has your friends alive and in captivity.
TUCKER:They're okay?
SIMMONS:What's gonna happen to them?
KIMBALL:We're not sure. But, if they're alive it means they can be rescued. And it means this war may become yours after all.
GRIF:Aw shit.
KIMBALL:So... I'm going to make you a promise. If you help us take back our planet, we'll help you take back your friends. And when it's all over you can take our best ship, and fly as far away from this place as you want. I know it's not the best offer, but what do you say?
GRIF:Look lady, I don't know what you think we can do? But I seriously doubt we can actually do it.
KIMBALL:This war has gone on for too long. Too many people have died, and our remaining soldiers are young, inexperienced, and scared. But you give them hope. They've heard what you've done, and they will look to you for guidance, they will run with you into battle; they will follow your orders, if you choose to lead them. I can't do this alone.
SIMMONS:Sarge is gone, Wash is gone, how the hell are we supposed to do this without them?
TUCKER:Yeah, none of us have ever led anyone before.
CABOOSE:Well, not for very long.
KIMBALL:I know, but... you just need to try.
Cut to the four of them walking outside to find assembled fighters
TUCKER:Hmm... Alright, let's run some drills.
GRIF:Aw, man.
CABOOSE:Aaand, break!
Credits roll. And then...
Cut to Locus talking to a someone via computer communication
LOCUS:We searched Crash Site Bravo, Sir.
VOICE:And?
LOCUS:The crate was recovered. Intact and completely sealed.
VOICE:Wonderful news.
LOCUS:However it looks as if they tried to blast it open. Do you think they knew?
VOICE:Highly unlikely. Report back to control as soon as possible Locus.
LOCUS:Are you sure keeping them alive is the best course of action?
VOICE:Do you feel threatened by the simulation troopers Locus?
LOCUS:Of course not.
VOICE:Then you will continue with our endeavors as previously discussed. Do I make myself clear?
LOCUS:Yes Sir.
Cut to Carolina
CAROLINA:Good. I'll be there before you know it.


Red vs. Blue Season 11
NSA

Fade in to Sarge and Grif
SARGE:Why hello! I'm Sarge, from the popular web series, Red vs. Blue.
GRIF:And I'm Dexter Grif. We're here today to make a public service announcement about the dangers, of twerking.
Simmons comes running up from behind
SIMMONS:Stop, guys, stop the video - something terrible has happened! I just found out that the NSA's been spying on everybody! And not just phone calls, social media, and emails, they're even spying on people in video games.
GRIF:Aw, man, video games? Well, as long as they're not spying on our porn I guess we're okay.
SIMMONS:Yeah! That too!
GRIF:This is an outrage! I demand satisfaction!
SIMMONS:The NSA not only collected data on gamers, they even planted virtual double-agents in tons of online first-person shooters. They were trying to find people that might exhibit violent tendencies.
SARGE:Heh heh. Does anyone not exhibit violent tendencies while playing a first-person shooter?
GRIF:Hyeah. I bet if we came across one of their so-called "spys", they'd stick out like a sore thumb.
CABOOSE:Um hello. Yes. Would anyone like to blow up something with me today?
SIMMONS:Not now Caboose, and for the last time would you quit eavesdropping on us constantly?
CABOOSE:D-oh yes, of course! I'll just add a note that you are making secret plans to our master database- I mean my diary!
SIMMONS:Look Sarge, we've just gotta be really careful about what we say now, in case the NSA's listening. We don't want them to think we're terrorists. And that's why I've taken the liberty of intercepting all communications in the canyon.
SARGE:You did what?
SIMMONS:It's time to start laying down some ground rules. Sarge, according to my records, you use the phone at least once a day to call for tech support.
Simmons turns on a recording, which plays:
SARGE:Alright, I've plugged it back in. Now it's just blinkin' at me.
LOPEZ:Está funcionando.
CAPTION:It's working.
SARGE:Are you sure?
LOPEZ:Sí.
CAPTION:Yes.
SARGE:Yeah is there anyone else I can talk to about this? Maybe your manager?
LOPEZ:Yo soy el Presidente.
CAPTION:I'm the President.
The call ends
SARGE:And just what exactly was wrong with that?
SIMMONS:Uh, Sir, have you ever considered that Lopez might be an illegal alien? If the NSA found out we'd be in trouble for sure.
SARGE:Lopez? He told me his name was Tim! From Ohio!
SIMMONS:I'm taking away your phone privileges Sir.
GRIF:Hah!
SIMMONS:That goes for you too Grif.
GRIF:What? What did I do?
SIMMONS:My records show over the past two months you made 782 prank calls. All of them to Sarge.
SARGE:Prank calls!? Why you dirty little-
A phone rings
SARGE:Uhp- that's for me! Back in a jiff. Dadadoo dadoo dadoo.
Sarge runs off
GRIF:I have an automated machine.
SIMMONS:Seriously?
GRIF:Plays scheduled recordings of me pretending to be different people.
SIMMONS:Grif, if the NSA found out you were providing false information over the phone, we would be screwed.
GRIF:You know, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you going through all our stuff.
SIMMONS:Trust me Grif, it's for the greater good. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go talk to Tucker about the dangers of Snap Chat.
GRIF:Hold on a second Simmons, you're going about this all wrong.
SIMMONS:Huh? What do you mean?
GRIF:We shouldn't be trying to hide what we say from the NSA, we should be focusing on getting them to stop spying on us in the first place.
SIMMONS:Well how're we supposed to do that?
A Message to the Children
Fade in to Grif and Simmons
GRIF:Hello, I'm Dexter Grif from the popular web series Red vs. Blue.
SIMMONS:And I'm Private Dick Simmons from the same show.
GRIF:Today, we'd like to deliver a message to the children.
SIMMONS:Specifically, the early teens.
GRIF:Over the past few years, your kind have become champions of social media. At video games, and basically anything that can just be classified as a distraction.
SIMMONS:Posting and tweeting about every insignificant moment in your life.
GRIF:Using $500 gaming consoles to tell someone from another country, that you're banging their mom. Or their grandma. Sometimes their dad.
SIMMONS:And complaining about pretty much everything.
GRIF:To those of you who would take part in these activities, we ask, that you do it more.
SIMMONS:Faster.
GRIF:Don't ever stop.
SIMMONS:In fact start doing it via telephone.
GRIF:Call your grandma and tell her all about your favourite pop star while teabagging some loser in Capture the Flag.
SIMMONS:Then throw some shady song lyrics on a gif, and email it to everyone you know.
GRIF:But not until you've first posted a vague, emotional status update on Facebook, followed closely and quickly by an ellipses, with a frowny reaction.
SIMMONS:You see, if the NSA wants to look at every text, call, and internet search we make, then it's up to the people to make them suffer through it.
GRIF:And if we're lucky, then maybe, just maybe, they'll realize that we're all just a bunch of self-absorbed idiots that aren't worth spying on. Remember: it's for the greater good.
CABOOSE:Oh no! Someone has left this highly volatile explosive material lying around! How dangerous! ...Or fun...
Gunshots
CABOOSE:Yeah. I'll put that in the database.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Teaser Trailer

Vanessa Kimball's voice can be heard.
KIMBALL:Journal entry... (tired, frustrated sigh) Who can even remember at this point?
Fade in to the comm tower at Crash Site Bravo before fading to black. Cut to an overview of the canyon, abandoned.
KIMBALL:For the past few weeks it’s just been one step forward, two steps back.
Camera pans along the ground.
KIMBALL:We manage to take an enemy post, but we lose too many men to hold it. Felix brings in a haul of weaponry, but half of it is damaged beyond use.
Camera pans to outside of Blue Base.
KIMBALL:And as for our heroes. Well they're…technically soldiers. I think?
Camera pans to the sandbag wall where a mounted gun turret and teleportation cubes can be seen littered on the ground.
KIMBALL:Captain Grif has certainly exhibited extraordinary creativity, and by that I mean he somehow managed to incorporate infiltrating the mess hall into his men’s daily training routine.
Scene transitions to the interior of Red Base.
KIMBALL:Captain Simmons has taken up the mantle of leadership with gusto, but he seems to fall apart when it comes to communicating with his squad. I’ve talked to them about, but the girls just can’t figure out what’s wrong.
Camera pans along the minefield where Lopez 2.0/C.C.'s fallen body rests.
KIMBALL:Captain Caboose has officially been forbidden from operating vehicles and heavy machinery. I won’t go into details.
Camera pans to an overhead shot of the ground, with various guns strewn about.
KIMBALL:As for Captain Tucker…he’s our best bet at this point. He’s not smart, he’s not disciplined, but he’s driven. (sighs) I just don’t know if driven will be enough.
Fade to Vanessa Kimball speaking in front of a monitor.
KIMBALL:The Federal Army has their friends, and they've put a hell of a lot of obstacles between us and them. If we can’t even save a few prisoners, how can we expect to save Chorus?
A voice is heard from behind Kimball.
VOICE:Meh.
Kimball turns to see Tucker standing behind her, who shrugs.
TUCKER:We'll wing it.
A montage begins before revealing the Season 12 title card. 


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 1: Oh Captains, My Captains

Voices are heard conversing over the radio.
SMITH:(voice over) Red team, this is Blue team. We are in position, how copy? Over.
SIMMONS' LIEUTENANT:(voice over) Blue team, this is Red team. I copy, Blue in position. Over.
SMITH:(voice over) Gold team, this is Blue team. All units are in position and awaiting further instructions, what is your status? Over.
Gold team doesn't answer.
SMITH:(voice over) Gold team 2-3, this is Blue team 1-2. Radio check, over.
BITTERS:(voice over) Uh yeah, we're here Blue team.
SMITH:(voice over) Gold team, I repeat, what is your status? Over.
BITTERS:(voice over) Uhhh...We're pretty good?
SMITH:(voice over) What?
BITTERS:(voice over) Actually, uh, we were wondering if we could maybe change our name to, uh, Orange team.
SMITH:(voice over) What difference does it make?!
Cut to Grif on the radio.
GRIF:You tell them it makes a big difference Bitters, because I am orange! I am not gold! I am not yellow! I am fucking orange!
SIMMONS:Grif!
Grif turns to look at Simmons and Caboose standing beside a door.
SIMMONS:Get off the radio. The teams are fine.
GRIF:The teams suck.
SIMMONS:You're gonna blow our cover.
GRIF:Uhhh. Alright we'll be Gold.
Grif flips Simmons off and speaks on radio.
GRIF:Go tell the Blue team to suck a dick and then get in position.
BITTERS:Whatever you say, Captain.
PLANET CHORUS. FORMER MINING FACILITY.
Grif walks up to where Simmons and Caboose are.
SIMMONS:We're infiltrating an enemy base and you're bitching about colors?
GRIF:It's a misleading title, people could get confused!
SIMMONS:Oh shut up!
Simmons faces the security door behind him and crouches.
CABOOSE:No he's right, I'm confused.
SIMMONS:Caboose, you're always confused.
CABOOSE:Well that sounds confusing.
Simmons uses some sort of hacking tool to hack the passcode lock.
SIMMONS:Whoo. Okay doors opening in approximately fifteen seconds.
GRIF:Yeah, yeah.
SIMMONS:Oh man, what if this doesn't work?
GRIF:Probably won't.
SIMMONS:What if it's a trap?
GRIF:Probably is.
SIMMONS:What would Sarge say in a time like this?
GRIF:Shut it Simmons.
SIMMONS:Probably. Yeah.
PASSCODE BEEPS IN:PASSWORD12
SIMMONS:Here we go.
The door opens. Caboose sprints inside yelling and unloads a full assault rifle clip into the wall. Cut to reveal that Caboose has written "CABOSE" in bullet holes on the wall.
CABOOSE:Did we win?
SIMMONS:(sighs) No. Apparently we've unlocked one of several security doors.
GRIF:Oh, so I talk on the radio and it's jeopardizing the mission, but that happens and everything's fine?
CABOOSE:(whispering) Shush Grif. They might hear you.
Second door beeps open.
SIMMONS:(voice over) Door opening.
Caboose once again rushes forward, yelling and firing.
GRIF:(sighs)
BITTERS:(over radio) Captain Grif, we have visual on the main compound, over.
GRIF:Whats it look like?
Cut to Bitters and two other gold team members on a cliff looking down onto the enemy base.
BITTERS:Well on a scale from 1 to 10... I'd say we're pretty fucked.
Cut to Caboose's Lieutenant and another blue team member behind some crates.
SMITH:Stow that kind of talk Bitters. Our C.O.'s put a lot of effort into this plan, so why don't you show a little faith?
Cut to Simmons and Grif sneaking down a hallway.
SMITH:Right Captain Caboose?
Camera follows Grif and Simmons down a hall to where Caboose is standing
CABOOSE:Yes.
SIMMONS:Alright we're almost there. Is everyone ready?
ALL OF THE LIEUTENANTS:Ready.
Caboose randomly appears standing in the same position as before.
CABOOSE:Ready.
SIMMONS' LIEUTENANT:(voice over) Captain Simmons, Jensen has something to say to you.
SIMMONS:Uh.. Yes Jensen.
Cut to Jensen and another red team member hiding behind a wall looking at a Warthog with two enemy soldiers near it.
JENSEN:I just wanted to say that no matter what happens, it's been a honor working with you sir.
SIMMONS:(awkwardly) Uh.. thank... you lieutenant. That is.. yes. Uh (clears throat) Affirmative.... Over.
Cut back to Grif and Caboose.
GRIF:What the fuck was that?
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:Did you just stroke out for a second? You sounded like Caboose.
CABOOSE:Um if he's me can I be him?
GRIF:Shut up.
CABOOSE:Look at me I'm smart. I like slide rules and protractors. Oh I can't wait to do some protracting.
SIMMONS:So I still have problems talking to girls. Big deal.
GRIF:Yeah. It is especially when your squad consists entirely of girls. Now man up!
SIMMONS:Oh man this is just like junior high all over again.
GRIF:What?
SIMMONS:Why do I have to play in the womens league I wanna be a mathlete dad! A mathlete!
CABOOSE:Yeah, I don't want to be Simmons anymore.
GRIF:Goddamn it do I have to do everything around here? (over radio) Everybody get ready. We're going on my mark. 3. 2. 1.
Grif, Simmons, and Caboose run around corner and stop. Cut to reveal four Federal Army of Chorus soldiers.
GRIF:...Every man for himself! AAHHHHH!
Grif, Simmons, and Caboose flee in different directions, shooting randomly.
GRIF:Shield me with your bodies! It's important that I live!
Cut to Bitters and gold team on the cliff.
BITTERS:Wait what? Whats going on?
OTHER GOLD TEAM MEMBER:Supressing fire! (starts shooting at a soldier operating a turret)
The soldier on the turret turns and begins to fire on Gold team, who start to back up and fall backwards off the cliff.
NEW REPUBLIC SOLDIERS:Reinforcements on our way!
Gold team fall down and land on top of the reinforcements.
BITTERS:Grif.
Cut to Caboose running across the battlefield yelling and shooting
SMITH:Captain Caboose NOOOO! (runs after Caboose)
Cut to a warthog driven by Jensen and another red team member.
JENSEN:Don't worry, we're coming!
Warthog drives out and runs over Smith.
JENSEN:Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Why are there so many pedals on this thing?!
Cut to the middle of battlefield where Simmons and Grif are running around yelling indistinctly. Suddenly an alarm buzzes and everyone stops. Kimball walks out.
KIMBALL:What the hell was that?!
Cut back to Grif and Simmons. Caboose runs up yelling behind them and soon stops.
CABOOSE:Oh we stopped.
KIMBALL:What is the point of these training excersises if you people aren't going to work together?
SIMMONS:But we did! We had team names and everything!
CABOOSE:Grif was gold!
GRIF:Orange!
KIMBALL:You had a plan you were organized but once again you crumbled under pressure. (sighs) Lieutenants, debrief with your COs, everyone else, round up all training weapons and uniforms. That's enough capture the flag for today.
GRIF:Whoa, and what the hell are we supposed to say? "Hey guys, sorry you still suck. Turns out we suck too!" At least we have something in common.
KIMBALL:Tell them what they need to hear. Tell them that they can do this, and that next time they will be better.
SIMMONS:So you want us to lie to them?
KIMBALL:No. I don't.
Kimabll walks off.
JENSEN:You... wanted to talk to us, sirs?
GRIF:(sighs) I hope Tucker has it better than this.
F.A.C. OUTPOST 22
Cut to a sniper rifle scope aiming at a Federal Army of Chorus soldier operating a turret.
TUCKER:(voice over) Hey Felix.
Cut to show Tucker, Felix, Palomo, and two other soldiers in a tunnel.
TUCKER:You think I could have a turn with that sniper rifle?
FELIX:Absolutely not.
TUCKER:Unhh.
PALOMO:Uh.. sometimes I.. like to take my hands and cup them around my eyes. Like little hand binoculars.
Fade to black.
TUCKER:Shut the fuck up Palomo.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 2: Hit and Run

Fade in to a shot of a tree, with the sun shining in the background.
F.A.C. OUTPOST 22
Cut to Felix standing before Tucker and his squad.
FELIX:It doesn't look good, guys. They've really beefed up their security.
ROGERS:Why? What's goin' on?
FELIX:Well, it could be that someone from up top is coming to visit. Ooor it could be a response to the weapons I stole from this place a few weeks ago.
TUCKER:(sarcastically) Geez, I wonder which one it is.
PALOMO:Uughh...I think it's pretty obvious that it's the weapons...
TUCKER:Stop talking.
FELIX:We're gonna have to go with to Plan B.
TUCKER:Wait, whaddya mean? What's Plan B?
FELIX:We plant C4, we leave and then we blow this outpost to hell.
TUCKER:What!?
FELIX:It's a standard hit and run. I've done it a million times, we'll be fine.
TUCKER:Uh, actually no we'll not be fine. I thought we came here to gather intelligence? That's gonna be pretty fucking difficult when their computer system is in about forty thousand pieces!
FELIX:Okay, I understand you wanna save your friends. I do. Really. But data retrieval is no longer an option. Once we find out where they're holding Wash and the others, the New Republic will do everything they can to save them. (sighs) But today isn't that day.
TUCKER:(sighs) Yeah, whatever.
FELIX:Now, we've only got one active camo unit. Tucker, that goes to you. It's a little damaged, so try not to run it constantly. Only when you need to disappear. Got it?
TUCKER:Got it.
FELIX:As for they rest of you, that's up to your Captain...
Tucker looks at his squad.
TUCKER:Ooooh. Right!
Tucker then whips out his sword.
Cut to two Fed specialists pulling up in a warthog and entering the cave. They inspect a cable that Tucker cut.
FED SPECIALIST 1:Ah, here's the problem. The rats must have chewed through the wire.
FED SPECIALIST 2:That is a military grade reinforced power cable. What kind of rats are you talkin' about?
FED SPECIALIST 1:...Space rats?
FED SPECIALIST 2:...Yeah I could see that.
Rogers and Cunningham knock out the two.
FED SPECIALIST 1:Aagh! The back of my head!
Cut to a Rebel helmet being tossing into an armor pile.
TUCKER:Perfect!
Cut to Rogers and Cunningham in Federal armor.
TUCKER:Now, you look just like the rest of those assholes.
FELIX:That was stupidly fortunate.
TUCKER:Waddya mean?
FELIX:I mean, what if we had ended up with two really fat bad guys? What size are you, Cunningham? Like a medium?
CUNNINGHAM:Youth extra large, Sir.
FELIX:See? Whole plan. Whole plan would've been ruined. Just 'cause you watch something on TV, you think that it's good idea?
TUCKER:You don't? (to Cunningham) Also, really man? Youth extra large?
CUNNINGHAM:It's very sliming, Sir.
PALOMO:Heeeey uhhh. What about me? Do I get a disguise?
TUCKER:No. Palomo, you'll be guarding our escape rout.
PALOMO:Oh, okay.
TUCKER:It's because I don't trust you.
PALOMO:Got it.
TUCKER:Honestly, if you were out in the field, you'd probably get all of us killed.
PALOMO:I can totally see that. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be me.
FELIX:Alright. Let's get to work...
Cut to the four of them sneaking into the outpost. Felix sneaks off to the side, while Rogers, Cunningham and an invisible Tucker walk further into the base.
CUNNINGHAM:(sighs) Okay, just play it cool.
ROGERS:You- you really think this plan is gonna work? I know the Reds and Blues are supposed to be like war heroes. But, they all seem kinda dumb.
TUCKER:(voice only) Dude, I'm invisible, not deaf.
ROGERS:Oh... Sorry, Sir.
Pan to Felix.
FELIX:(over radio) Okey dokey, boys. Everyone take your modified sticky detonators, find something that looks expensive and strap a bomb to it. Once you're done head back to the cave.
ROGERS:(over radio) You sure you're gonna be okay out there in your armor, Sir?
FELIX:(chuckles) Don't worry about me, kid.
A Federal trooper appears behind Felix.
FED TROOPER:Freeze!
Felix quickly pulls out his knife and throws it. Cut to a rear view of the Fed getting stabbed and falling over. Felix clenches his fist in a "yes!" gesture.
FELIX:I am fucking awesome.
Cut to Tucker uncloaking by a building with his detonator.
TUCKER:Okay, bomb. Do me a favor and don't go off in my face. (looks to his side) Am I right? ...Who am I talking to?
FED TROOPER 1:(voice only) So, he's really here?
TUCKER:(whispering) Shit.
Tucker peeks around the corner at two Feds talking.
FED TROOPER 2:Yep, just came in from the city.
FED TROOPER 1:They still got the Freelancer up there?
FED TROOPER 2:I dunno. Look it up inside.
FED TROOPER 1:Fuuuuck that. I'm not gonna let him catch me slacking off.
The troopers run off.
TUCKER:(whispering) Wash.
FELIX:(over radio) Tucker, what's your status?
TUCKER:Good. Good. Aaalmost done.
Cut to a fed monitoring a computer inside a lab. Tucker raises his detonator to the back of the soldier's head.
TUCKER:Don't move!
FED:(turning) What the?
TUCKER:I said don't move! Turning is moving!
FED:(turns back) Uurgh...
TUCKER:Okay, I want like a hard drive or something. With base locations and classified shit. And any info you've got on Agent Washington and the other dudes you kidnapped awhile back.
FED:Okay. Just take it easy.
ROGERS:(over radio) Captain, we're almost done. Where are you?
TUCKER:I'm in the lab. Give me a sec.
FELIX:(over radio) You're what!!?
TUCKER:Dude, chill out. I got this.
FELIX:Are you fucking kidding me! I specifically told you not to- (Tucker cuts off the transmission)
TUCKER:Thank you, mute button.
FED:Alright. The data is copying over onto a flash drive.
TUCKER:Sweet.
Tucker knocks out the soldier.
TUCKER:Ha ha! Look who's dumb now!
Cunningham comes up behind Tucker.
CUNNINGHAM:Hey.
TUCKER:I surrender!
CUNNINGHAM:No, sir. It's me, Cunningham.
TUCKER:Oh, right.
CUNNINGHAM:You turned off your radio. Everything okay?
TUCKER:Yeah, sorry. I was kinda in the middle of something.
CUNNINGHAM:Well, we've gotta go. Like now.
TUCKER:Yeah, absolutely. (looks at the download) Just one more minute.
CUNNINGHAM:Sir, but I think the Feds are onto us.
TUCKER:Okay okay. We can gooooooooo...
The download completes. Tucker grabs the drive and cloaks.
TUCKER:...Now!
A shotgun blast is heard, followed by the sound of Cunningham's body and an empty shotgun shell dropping to the floor. Cut to Locus lowering his shotgun, with two Fed troopers standing beside him. Tucker crouches.
TUCKER:(whispering) Oh shit.
Locus steps forward and examines Cunningham's body.
PALOMO:(over radio) Cunningham? Everything okay? Uh Jason? Man, what's going on? Uuuhh guys? Cunningham isn't responding.
LOCUS:We've been infiltrated. Sound the alarm.
The two Fed troopers leave the lab. Locus glances at the "transfer complete" computer display and the Fed Tucker knocked out. Locus raises his gun and slowly walks forward. Cut to Locus approaching from Tucker's point of view. "Equipment Malfunction" flashes on Tucker's HUD. Locus hears an explosion and turns around right as Tucker's camo fails.
LOCUS:Grrrrr...
Locus leaves the lab. Tucker looks at the bodies of Cunnuningham and the Fed trooper.
TUCKER:(quietly) Ah, fuck...
FELIX:(Over radio) Goddammit! Everyone move! We are aborting the mission!
Cut to three Feds searching on top of a building. A bomb explodes and sends them flying. Cut to Felix behind a crate as more bombs explode and Feds run around in the background.
FELIX:I detonated some of the C4 as a distraction, so get out of there!
Cut to Rogers planting a bomb in a hallway and running off.
FELIX:(over radio) There's a good chance they'll be searching for, and disarming the bombs.
ROGERS:Ah, man...
As Rogers runs out a trooper running by stops him.
FED TROOPER 3:Hey, you! Stop!
ROGERS:Uuuh...Yes?
FED TROOPER 3:You're a specialist, right? Come on man we need your help.
ROGERS:Oh...Great.
Cut to Tucker running up a hill. Three Feds pass behind him.
TUCKER:Shit!
Tucker keeps running through the base with chaos all around him.
TUCKER:Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Tuckers runs into the cave and comes face to face with Palomo.
PALOMO:Tucker!
TUCKER:(Jumping back) Jesus, dude!
PALOMO:Are you okay? What happened?
TUCKER:No! I mean yes! Where's Felix and Rogers?
Cut to Rogers and several Feds standing around a bomb.
FED TROOPER 3:Here.
ROGERS:Oh.
FED TROOPER 3:You can disarm this, right?
ROGERS:Well, I ugh...No I...
FED TROOPER 4:Waddya mean "no"!? This is your job!
ROGERS:Right, no I know ugh...I know.
RANDOM FED:(voice only) Intruder!
Cut to Felix running from a hail of bullets. He hides from three troopers behind a tree. Taking a deep breath, he jumps out and deflects their shots with his shield then shoots each soldier. Cut to another Fed charging at Felix.
FED:Yaaaaaaaaggghhh!
The scene goes into slow motion as Felix kicks the soldier's legs out from under him.
FELIX:Right.
Felix backs up to Tucker and Palomo at the cave entrance.
FELIX:Talk to me people! Where's Rogers?
TUCKER:Not here!
FELIX:Cunningham?
TUCKER:...Locus got him.
FELIX:Locus is here!?
Locus is seen uncloaking through Felix's scope. Palomo ducks Locus' sniper shot.
FELIX:Run!
PALOMO:What about Rogers!?
Felix pulls out his detonator.
FELIX:Get down!
TUCKER:No wait!
Felix pulls the trigger. All bombs start beeping. Cut to Rogers and the Feds.
ROGERS:Oh son of a bi-
The bomb explodes. Cut to black.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 3: Something Else Entirely

Fade in to the New Republic headquarters, where a Republic soldier is seen working on a warthog. Cut to Grif speaking to a crowd of Republic soldiers.
NEW REPUBLIC HEADQUARTERS HQ
GRIF:Boom! Huge explosion, you wouldn't believe it! He just shook it off though like it was nothing and he comes right at us!
CROWD:Ooooohh!
GRIF:He cuts our rocket launcher in half, so Tucker goes in for a stab but nothing's working. That's when I knew what to do.
CROWD:Ahh!
GRIF:I throw myself on top of him, taking him completely by surprise, but he has the strength of ten men!
Close up on Grif.
GRIF:No, ten bears!
CROWD:Ohh! That's pretty cool... Bears are strong...
GRIF:This guy's invincible. It looked like nothing was gonna stop him.
REPUBLIC SOLDIER 1:What did you do?
GRIF:Huh? Oh, uhh we tied a car to him and threw it off a cliff.
REPUBLIC SOLDIER 2:...That is the most metal thing I've ever heard.
GRIF:So the moral of the story is, you never know when random, seemingly unimportant, stuff will turn out to be very important. Which is why you shouldn't question me when I tell you to build me something like a hammock, or...a human slingshot.
Simmons approaches Grif.
SIMMONS:Grif, what are you doing?
GRIF:Just tellin' these guys how we took down the Meta.
SIMMONS:Why?
SIMMONS' LIEUTENANT:(to Simmons) Is it true Simmons? Did he really growl like some sort of...monster?
JENSEN:And did he really have the strength of ten bears?
SIMMONS:Uh...I uh- um...more like, uh, you know, twenty bears.
JENSEN:Wow!
SIMMONS' LIEUTENANT:So hot!
GRIF:That is why.
SIMMONS:(sighs) You're spending way too much time with Tucker.
An intercom activates. Kimball speaks.
KIMBALL:(over intercom) Grif, Simmons, and Caboose, report to my office immediately.
The intercom deactivates.
GRIF:Well guys, it looks like that's it for today. Run along.
Cut to a view of the crowd. Caboose is suddenly seen among them.
CROWD:Awwwww.
CABOOSE:I like the part with the bears.
Cut to Kimball's office where Tucker is seen inside, looking at the ground. Caboose, Grif, and Simmons run towards him.
CABOOSE:Tucker!
TUCKER:If you hug me, I will shoot you.
CABOOSE:Ah it's okay Tucker. I-I know you're more into groping. Come on, let's grope.
GRIF:When'd you'd get back?
TUCKER:A little while ago.
SIMMONS:What happened?
Felix emerges from behind the ramp.
FELIX:Oh, I'll tell you what happened. Captain Tucker here decided to disobey orders and and took it upon himself to recover a hard drive full of Federal Army secrets. A decision that only cost him the lives of two of his men.
Brief pause.
FELIX:That's a pretty damn good trade if I do say so myself!
TUCKER:(surprised) What?
FELIX:(laughs) Man, you should've seen this guy! (raises DMR) He was all, (in deep voice) "I don't play by the rules!" (regular voice) Fucking James Bond and shit all over the place! It was crazy! (lowers DMR)
TUCKER:Wait, I thought you were pissed?
FELIX:(lowers DMR) Oh, do not get me wrong, I wanted to beat your worthless skull into the ground until it was paste. But look where we are now, you took a risk and it paid off.
TUCKER:'Paid off?!' Dude, two of our guys are dead.
FELIX:And two more will probably die tomorrow. Seriously, what don't you people get about that?
Pan up to reveal Kimball standing on the ramp.
KIMBALL:That's enough, Felix.
Kimball walks down the ramp, passing Felix and the others.
FELIX:(clears throat) Just sayin'.
KIMBALL:Tucker, your choice cost two men their lives ...but it also granted us access to valuable information. Whether or not this was the right thing to do is a conclusion you'll have to come to on your own, I'll leave it at that. Right now the six of us need to have a talk.
GRIF:Could it not be as depressing as the talk we're having right now?
KIMBALL:I know where your friends are.
SIMMONS:You do?
GRIF:Whoa...
CABOOSE:Yay, I have friends!
FELIX:Whoa, when did this happen?!
KIMBALL:I kept digging through the files Tucker brought back. There wasn't much to go off of but eventually I found them. ...And from the looks of it, they've been moved around a bit.
SIMMONS:Finally, we can rescue Sarge and everything will go back to normal! Isn't that great Grif?
GRIF:"Great" is a strong word Simmons. I would've gone with "tolerable."
KIMBALL:Don't celebrate just yet. As I said they've been moving around fairly regularly, and from the looks of things it isn't going to stop. Right now they're held up in a compound just north of a nearby mountain range. But in about a week it sounds like they'll be transferred to the capital, a place that is very, very out of our reach.
SIMMONS:Sooo, then we go get them now? Is that.. that's a thing we can do, right?
FELIX:The compound she's talking about is twice the size of the one Tucker and I raided. Breaking in would be suicide. Breaking someone out would be...like suicide and a bunch of puppies dying.
TUCKER:How do you know?
FELIX:Because I've tried, and uh, spoiler alert, it didn't go well.
CABOOSE:Were the puppies okay?
FELIX:Kimball, please talk some sense into these guys.
CABOOSE:Yes, I'm sorry, can we get back to the puppies?
KIMBALL:When I first heard about you four, I envisioned strong, daring, respectable soldiers.
Cut to Simmons, Grif, Caboose, and Tucker.
GRIF:...Buuuut...
Cut back to Kimball.
KIMBALL:But, now that I've come to know you, I found that you're something else entirely. It turns out you're all a bunch of-
SIMMONS:Cowards.
TUCKER:Losers.
GRIF:Idiots?
CABOOSE:Spacemen.
KIMBALL:Misfits. You're oddballs that don't exactly fit in. Which is why my men all look up to you and why morale has been at an all time high; because they can relate to you. Because together we're an army of underdogs and outcasts. But, as of right now, I cannot authorize a rescue mission of this scale.
Cut to the Reds and Blues, looking downwards in disappointment. Cut back to Kimball.
KIMBALL:Interestingly enough, you work well when you fight together. But, individually, you still haven't shown what it takes to lead others. Which is why I'm giving you five days.
Cut to the Reds and Blues, who all look up at Kimball. Back to Kimball.
KIMBALL:Five days to assemble a smaller team. One comprised of the best of each of your platoons. And if you can convince me that you're ready by the end of those five days, then you will have my support.
TUCKER:Five days?!
GRIF:That's not really a lot of time.
KIMBALL:Well...it's all you've got!
FELIX:...Yeah, um, if this is really happening, I'd like to be paid in advance.
Cut to Simmons, Grif, Caboose, and Tucker standing outside Kimball's office.
GRIF:Five days. Five fucking days. My naps take longer than five days.
CABOOSE:Yeah and President's Day is Monday, so we can't expect people to come in on a holiday because that would be time and a half. And- oh my god, that would be five and a half days!
Felix appears nearby, holding a plasma rifle.
FELIX:Take my advice gentlemen: live to fight another day.
GRIF:I think I liked you better when you thought we were super soldiers.
TUCKER:Hey, what's up with that?
Close up on Felix's plasma rifle.
FELIX:This is my plasma rifle. Part of my cut from the hit and run.
SIMMONS:Your cut?
FELIX:You think these guys have any money lying around? Yeah right. They pay me in old alien tech. The whole reason Chorus was chosen for colonization, was because it showed promising signs of extraterrestrial artifacts. Turns out the UNSC was right; too bad they abandoned the place. But hey, their loss is my very shiny, very valuable gain.
TUCKER:Wait, why steal weapons and ammo when we can just use this space laser shit.
FELIX:Because they don't work, genius; they're busted. But I'm willing to bet that someone out there would be happy to pay a very large sum of money for these babies!
CABOOSE:Uh, yeah wait, I'm sorry. I'm confused. (stutters) Ar-ar-ar-are they babies or are they lasers? Or are- are they laser babies?
FELIX:While we're talking business, if you guys are serious about rescuing your friends by the end of the week I could always be persuaded to increase my level of assistance. For a one time fee of course, maybe something along the lines of an alien energy sword. Mmm, any takers? Tucker?
TUCKER:(chuckles) I don't think so. If you like the New Republic so much, how come you still charge them for your help?
FELIX:Because when I retire, I want a television the size of a billboard.
CABOOSE:Well, that's gonna be bad for your eyes.
TUCKER:I'm just saying, you could always help us out for free. You know, mix it up a little!
FELIX:Ah. Mmm. Okay. So you want me to help you rescue your friends, because...what, it's the right thing to do?
TUCKER:Yeah, it's called 'not being a dick.'
FELIX:Hmm. You know, if I recall, the first time these people ever asked you for help, you turned them down. Figured this whole 'civil war thing' wasn't your problem. (chuckles) In fact, I bet, if your friends had never been captured, you'd still refuse to lend them a hand. Even if it was the 'right thing to do.'
Brief pause.
FELIX:Everyone has their price. I learned that a long time ago...and you're no exception.
Felix walks away. Fade to black.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 4: Teaming with Problems

Fade in to a shot of the New Republic's base. A scorpion tank drives into garage in the background. Cut to Matthews.
MATTHEWS:I just think that...if you would just reconsider sir.
Matthews is shown to be talking to Grif and Bitters.
MATTHEWS:(stutters) I mean, uh, I followed your order from day one with like, the burritos and...and... I'd follow you to the end, sir. I really would.
GRIF:Bitters? What do I always say?
BITTERS:(unenthused) "Nobody likes a kiss-ass."
GRIF:Nobody likes a kiss-ass.
MATTHEWS:But, sir!
GRIF:Matthews, you are in fact a total kiss-ass. And nobody likes that. Bitters, do you like that?
BITTERS:Nope.
GRIF:Bitters doesn't like that. Because Bitters here is a maverick, a loose cannon. And people love loose cannons. I'm a bit of a loose cannon myself. Isn't that right Bitters?
BITTERS:Actually, I'm starting to think you're just kinda lazy.
GRIF:See that? Total loose cannon response. I respect that, Bitters.
BITTERS:(sighs) Whatever.
GRIF:So, as much it pains me, inside, I'm afraid I must deny your request to join our elite team, Matthews.
MATTHEWS:(tearing up) Very well sir. I understand.
Matthews walks off.
GRIF:Even in defeat, still a kiss-ass.
SIMMONS:(offscreen) Grif, hurry up!
GRIF:Speaking of which...
Cut to Grif joining Tucker, Simmons, and Caboose on a platform. Their four respective lieutenants, Bitters, Palomo, Jensen, and Smith stand below.
SIMMONS:(clears throat) Hello. Welcome evryone. Thank you for joining us here. Um, why don't we just go down the line and introduce ourselves?
CABOOSE:Um, hello. Ugh yes...my name is Michael J. Caboose.
ALL RECRUITS:Hi Michael.
SIMMONS:No, I meant the recruits. Why would we need to introduce ourselves? They already know us.
CABOOSE:Yes, but do they know the "real" us.
TUCKER:What does that even mean?
CABOOSE:Well that is a very interesting question, Tucker. Why don't you elaborate on those feelings?
TUCKER:(groans) Just state your name.
SIMMONS:And tell us a fun fact about yourself.
GRIF:(to Simmons) Really?
SMITH:(clears throat) Permission to speak, sir?
TUCKER:Uh, go for it?
SMITH:Thank you, sir. Lieutenant John-
GRIF:Hey, G.I. Joe? Could you drop the act? We don't have all day.
SMITH:Oh, um very good, sir. My friends call me Smith. I've served the New Republic faithfully for several years and I believe Captain Caboose is one of the wisest individuals I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Sir!
GRIF:Great. Another kiss-ass.
SIMMONS:You mean our Caboose?
SMITH:Yes, sir.
SIMMONS:This one right here?
SMITH:Correct.
SIMMONS:...The blue one?
TUCKER:Okay, moving on. Next?
JENSEN:Hello, everyone. I'm Katie Jensen. I enjoy vehicle maintenance, biology, uh...
Jensen grabs her throat and begins choking. She then falls over, gagging. Cut to the Reds and Blues staring at her.
GRIF:Uh, should we do something?
Jensen gets up.
JENSEN:(coughing) Sorry. Choked on my own spit.
TUCKER:Simmons, what the fuck is this?
SIMMONS:It was either her or the really hot one that plays volleyball.
TUCKER:Then what the fuck is this!?
SIMMONS:She makes me less nervous, okay! Just leave me alone!
GRIF:Next.
BITTERS:(unenthused) I'm Bitters. My fun fact is that I don't have a...fun fact.
GRIF:Total. Maverick.
PALOMO:And last but not least!
TUCKER:(groans)
PALOMO:Private Palomo. Slayer of women, wooer of evil. (pause) Wait...
SIMMONS:Is that your fun fact?
PALOMO:Oh, uh...oh! I'm the only surviving member of green team. Suck on that.
TUCKER:I fucking hate you, Palomo.
SIMMONS:Alright, as you've all been informed, this team has come together for the sole purpose of rescuing the remaining survivors of a UNSC shipwreck from several months back. We all know them as Donut, Agent Washington, and Sarge.
GRIF:And maybe a Spanish robot named Lopez.
CABOOSE:And maybe an adorable robot named Freckles.
TUCKER:Yeah yeah, we get it. The point is, we've only got five days to train you guys, so we're getting started right now! Now, any questions?
Cut to the four Republic recruits.
SMITH:...Who is leading this team?
CABOOSE, GRIF, SIMMONS, AND TUCKER:I am!
The four look at each other.
TUCKER:(confused) Uh, what?
SIMMONS:Well, I'm obviously the one who should be leading this. I'm the most logical of the group.
TUCKER:Bullshit!
SIMMONS:I'm the one who set up this entire meeting.
GRIF:Yeah, and this meeting blows dicks.
SIMMONS:(to Grif) Wait, why do you wanna be the leader?
GRIF:Well, I'm really starting to get used to all this praise and pampering, and I don't wanna risk losing it all to one o' you jerks.
Matthews pops up on an platform in the distant background.
MATTHEWS:I could always praise an pamper you, sir!
GRIF:Goddammit Matthews! What did we just talk about!?
CABOOSE:Well, I think there's an easy way to settle this. Ahem, raise your hand if you were the leader of a team any time before joining this army.
SIMMONS:Oh whatever, that was a fluke!
CABOOSE:Yep, and I forgot to raise my hand.
TUCKER:Hey, if you're looking for experience, so far I'm the only one who's been on an actual mission.
GRIF:(fake coughs) Two people died... (fake cough)
SMITH:Excuse me, sirs? We could always vote.
GRIF, TUCKER, SIMMONS, AND CABOOSE LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER. CUT TO A TITLE CARD ENTITLED:Simmons. Cut back to Simmons standing center stage on the platform.
SIMMONS:My fellow soldiers. If you elect me as your leader, you're not just voting for a kind, well-mannered leader, you're voting for victory. I've overseen countless skirmishes and calculated my opponent's every move. And although some people may not count Dungeons and Dragons as an acceptable example of military expertise, I beg to differ. A vote for Dick Simmons is a vote for America!
PALOMO:...But we're not in America.
SIMMONS:...Fuck!
CUT TO ANOTHER TITLE CARD, ENTITLE:Caboose.
CABOOSE:And I will put Kool-Aids in all the water fountains! And we won't have to wear uniforms...anymore! And Principal Kimball... will...allow us...double recess! (echoing) Recess, recess recess...
TUCKER:Caboose, you're not running for class president.
Pan in closer towards Smith.
SMITH:No, don't you see? We won't need uniforms anymore because the war will finally be over. Kimball will send us out into the world and we'll never have to raise another gun ever again.
Cut to a view of Smith looking up at Caboose.
SMITH:By god, he has such a way with words.
GRIF:Is this guy for real?
SIMMONS:Wait, what about the Kool-aid in the water fountains?
SMITH:Oh yeah, that sounds awesome.
ANOTHER TITLE CARD:Grif.
GRIF:...Dibs.
SIMMONS:What?
GRIF:I call dibs on the team. Dibs.
TUCKER:You can't call dibs on the team!
GRIF:...You sure?
SIMMONS:Grif!
GRIF:Alright, whatever! (mumbling) I don't wanna be leader anyway...
FINAL TITLE CARD:Tucker.
TUCKER:S'up guys, Tucker here. Uh, speech...speech...oh, I've always said I'm a lover and not a fighter. I'm lookin' at you, Jensen.
JENSEN:Me?
TUCKER:Yeah, tell your volleyball friend I said that. Anyways-
Felix arrives on the scene.
FELIX:Please. God. Tell me you guys haven't been standing around talking all morning.
Tucker looks at Felix and then back at the recruits.
TUCKER:(to the recruits) ...Alright look, you want the truth? I don't wanna be your leader. Being a leader totally sucks. It's hard work and you have to put up with people you hate! But I wanna get my friends back and seeing as that's our mission, I will deal with whatever bullshit I have to do to make it happen! ...And if I was holding a mic, this would be the part where I drop it.
Brief silence.
JENSEN:...I vote for Tucker.
BITTERS:Yeeaah, I vote for Tucker.
SMITH:Me too.
PALOMO:Yeah.
GRIF:Congratulations, Tucker! You got the job. That you hate.
FELIX:Yeaaah, great. Yay. Happy for you. So, did you guys wanna start training at some point? Or, sorry, would you prefer to keep dicking around? Because by all means, I could watch this train wreak all day. Really it's-it's like the Hindenburg footage. Ya-ya ever see that? Just, absolutely breathtaking...until you realize everyone's screwed.
Fade to black


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 5: Training Daze

Fade in to a static screen, which soon clears up. Jensen, Palomo, and Bitters are seen through Smith's HUD.
JENSEN:Eureka!
PALOMO:Is it working? (yells) Hello! Can you hear me?!
BITTERS:Yes! Jesus! What's the point of this again?
Cut to Tucker.
TUCKER:This is going to make you all better fighters. Tell 'em Simmons.
SIMMONS:Jensen and I have installed capture software into all of our helmets, allowing us to transmit what we saw on the battlefield to a local server.
PALOMO:Wait. Do they only record on the battlefield, or are they recording all the time?
SIMMONS:All the time, duh.
PALOMO:Uhh, I don't know how i feel about that.
TUCKER:Dude, it's fine.
PALOMO:But what if it records us doing something embarrassing? Like looking at Jensen's butt or something.
JENSEN:Excuse me!?
SIMMONS:Just don't look at Jensen's butt, Palamo.
PALOMO:Well now I'm way more aware of her butt than usual and it's throwing me off.
TUCKER:Palomo!
PALOMO:You know what? I'm just going to look at the ceiling.
BITTERS:I still don't see how this is suppose to make us any better.
TUCKER:It's like this: sometimes you're with a lady, right? And she wants to spice things up. So, you're like 'boom' - video camera. And she's into it and then you're like "ahh yeah", but what's even better is that later you can go back and look at those tapes and figure out what was really working and what you can do better.
SMITH:So, it's like football coaches reviewing clips of past games?
TUCKER:...Sure, if you're into football coaches and that works better for you, I guess. No judgments.
GRIF:All right, we're good to go.
SIMMONS:You set up the training weapons?
GRIF:I told someone else to set up the training weapons.
SIMMONS:You make a great manager.
GRIF:I've said it for years.
SIMMONS:Sorry, I meant terrible. You make a terrible manager.
GRIF:Whatever. You say tomato, I order a subordinate to say to-mah-to.
TUCKER:Okay, so our mission today will be to disarm and apprehend an enemy soldier.
SMITH:Take out one guy? That's do-able.
Cut to Felix from afar, sharpening his knife.
TUCKER:The soldier is Felix.
FELIX:Uh, what?
TUCKER:If we can take out the best fighter in the New Republic, I say we stand a pretty good chance against any of those Feds.
Felix approaches Tucker.
FELIX:Yeah, I don't agree to this.
TUCKER:You don't have to. Just do what you normally do, but know that you'll have a giant bullseye painted across your back.
FELIX:Alright, fine. Bring it on tough guy.
TUCKER:I will. And when we capture you, you're gonna tell Kimball that we're approved for the mission.
FELIX:Fine!
TUCKER:Good!
FELIX:Great!
TUCKER:So... are you just going to stand there, or what?
FELIX:No, I was sticking my tongue out at you! But, I-I guess, I'm wearing a helmet. So...shut up.
Felix walks away.
TUCKER:We got this.
Cut to the interior of a building. The Reds, Blues, and recruits are seen inside, along with two Republic soldiers. A large television screen is seen behind the two rebels.
MCCALLISTER:Thanks for joining us everyone. Private Ghanoush and I were given the task of editing down all of the footage from your training session.
GHANOUSH:We took what we believed to be the more... 'eye-opening' moments from today's events, in hopes that they might help you strategize in the future.
SIMMONS:Like a highlight reel?
MCCALLISTER:Like a reel.
GHANOUSH:Why don't we get started?
A video of the group's training session begins on the screen. Smith and Bitters are seen loading up their weapons through Palomo's helmet camera.
PALOMO:Hey guys! Welcome to my helmet cam! Uh... today, we're gonna be trying to take down Felix. Soooo, let's see how it goes. Could be bad. Could be good. Could be in the middle.
SMITH:Who are you talking to?
PALOMO:Uh, the audience.
Cut to Bitters's helmet cam.
BITTERS:What audience? We're recording this for ourselves. You're the audience!
Cut to Palomo's helmet cam. Caboose is seen in the background staring at a tank.
PALOMO:Oh yeah. Hi me! (Cut to Palomo in the present time) Hi Palomo!
TUCKER:Can we skip this part?
MCCALLISTER:Sure! (quietly) Not like we worked hard on this or anything.
TUCKER:Huh?
MCCALLISTER:Huh?!
Cut to the video footage, through Tucker's helmet cam. Felix is seen walking up to two rebels. The Reds, Blues, and recruits are seen crouched down behind several rocks. The camera cuts back and forth from the soldiers' helmet cams.
TUCKER:Okay, Felix is right over there.
GRIF:Bitters, hand me a flashbang.
BITTERS:Ohhh right, um... about that.
Cut to Felix walking away.
TUCKER:(voice only) Hurry up, he's getting away!
BITTERS:I don't have any.
GRIF:I told you to grab them!
BITTERS:Yeah, I wasn't really listening.
GRIF:What?!
SIMMONS:World's. Worst. Manager.
GRIF:Let's not argue semantics Simmons!
BITTERS:That's not what that word means.
TUCKER:Does anybody have a fucking grenade?!
SMITH:I gave mine to Caboose.
TUCKER:You what?!
Caboose tosses a frag grenade right in front of himself.
CABOOSE:Fire in the hole.
The grenade explodes, causing static to emerge from the soldiers' helmet cams.
ALL:(yelling indistinctly)
Cut back to the present time. Ganoosh and the Green Republic Soldier laugh at the footage.
MCCALLISTER:(laughing) Fucking idiot.
GHANOUSH:(laughing) I could watch this for hours!
GRIF:Jesus Christ, how long is this video?!
GHANOUSH:Hours! I just fucking said it! Pay attention!
SIMMONS:Does it get any better?
MCCALLISTER:Define 'better'?
TUCKER:Ugh, come on, lets go.
Tucker walks away.
GRIF:Go where?
Tucker stops.
TUCKER:To try this again.
Tucker leaves the room.
GHANOUSH:This is goinna be good.
MCCALLISTER:I'll make some popcorn.
Cut to the Reds, Blues, and recruits running across a hill. Caboose sprints ahead of everyone while Grif lags behind. Cut to Felix talking to the Rebel Medic.
FELIX:What if I am too good looking? I mean i-it's possible to scientific.
Tucker is heard yelling and charges up behind Felix, but the latter activates his hardlight shield and knocks Tucker down.
TUCKER:AAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! (is knocked down; coughs) Oooh! (weakly) No fair.
Cut to Simmons spying on Felix from atop a hill. He turns to Smith, Palomo, and Grif.
SIMMONS:He's holding a training gun, right?
Smith stands up to see, but is quickly shot at.
SMITH:AHH! (weakly) Yes sir.
PALOMO:Well that's good to know.
Cut to McCallister and Ghanoush laughing at the footage.
GHANOUSH:(laughs) What a dope!
CABOOSE:(dry laughter) Yeah, I don't get it.
TUCKER:Grrrr.
Cut to the camera panning across the group doing push-ups. Grif and Bitters are seen at the end relaxing while counting off.
TUCKER:Thirty-three. Thirty-four. Thirty-five...
PALOMO:Thirty-three. Thirty-four. Thirty-five...
CABOOSE:Thirty-three. Thirty-three. Thirty-three...
SMITH:Thirty-five. Thirty-six. Thirty-seven...
SIMMONS:(struggling) Thirty-seven. Thirty-eight. Thirty-nine...
JENSEN:Thirty-six. Thirty-seven. Thrity-eight...
GRIF:(lazily) Thirty-six. Thirty-seven. Thrity-eight. Thirty-nine.
BITTERS:(lazily) Thirty-six. Thirty-seven. Thrity-eight. Thirty-nine.
Cut to Felix walking alone. Tucker jumps up from behind a pile of crates and falls over a cliff.
TUCKER:Surprise motherfucker! AH HAAAAAA! (splashes into a lake)
Felix continues walking. Cut to Jensen, who spots Felix nearby on her helmet cam.
JENSEN:Target sighted. Headed towards- (sneezes harshly all over her visor) AHH-CHOOO!! Uh... anyone else have eyes on the target?
SMITH:Negative.
BITTERS:Uh no.
PALOMO:(staring directly at Jensen's butt) Yeah, I got nothin'.
Cut back to the bunker where Ghanoush, the McCallister, and several other rebels are seen laughing. Jensen turns to Palomo and he turns towards her. Palomo then turns away at the ceiling.
PALOMO:Lookin' at the ceiling!
Cut to Felix standing around idly. Tucker emerges behind him, holding a grenade in his hands.
TUCKER:(from afar) Hey Felix! Catch!
Tucker unpins the grenade and tosses it at Felix. Felix, however, effortlessy catches it.
FELIX:One mississippi. Two mississippi. Three mississippi. Four mississippi!
TUCKER:(frantic) Oh no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nooo!!!!
Tucker runs away. Felix throws the grenade at Tucker and it explodes. Felix then clenches his fist. Cut to Simmons and Grif spying on Felix from inside a bunker. Simmons gestures hand signals to Grif.
GRIF:At what point did you think I knew what that meant?!
Felix walks out of the room and spots Simmons and Grif.
GRIF:Ah shit.
Felix punches Grif in the face, causing his visor to static. Cut back to the bunker where numerous Republic soldiers are seen laughing at the footage.
SMITH:(chuckles) Okay, that was actually kinda funny.
Tucker lowers his head in disappointment. The latter is then seen outside the bunker confronting Felix.
TUCKER:Hey!
FELIX:You know, I have to admit, I've never seen these guys laugh so much before.
TUCKER:Why are you being so hard on us?!
FELIX:Come again?
TUCKER:All we need is a green light from you, and Kimball let's us save our friends. So why the hell can't you just lighten up for once?!
FELIX:Because you will die! (brief pause) You know, for people who've done so much, you really are just a bunch of idiots, aren't you?
TUCKER:(angrily) That's what we said from the start!
FELIX:(angrily) So then why are you trying to still be something you're not?!
KIMBALL:(angrily) FELIX!
FELIX:(to Tucker; quietly) ...Whether you go or not is ultimately up to her. But risking the lives of more people... that's on you.
TUCKER:I thought you didn't care about losing people?
FELIX:I don't. ...But you do.
Felix leaves. Kimball approaches Tucker.
KIMBALL:(to Tucker) ...We need to talk.
TUCKER:(sighs) Can it not be as depressing as the talk we're having right now?
KIMBALL:Well I can't make any promises.
The camera slowly pans away from Tucker and Kimball. Fade to black.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 6: Reflections

Fade in to the New Republic Headquarters. The camera pans down near an algae lake where Kimball and Tucker are seen standing side by side.
KIMBALL:I like to come down here when I need to think. It's peaceful.
TUCKER:...It's really, glowy.
KIMBALL:That's the algae. Don't touch it, it's radioactive.
TUCKER:Oh... tranquil.
KIMBALL:Tucker, I'd like to apologize for Felix's behaivor. He was out of line.
TUCKER:Yeah, he's kind of an asshole.
KIMBALL:He's just worried.
TUCKER:(sarcastic) Riiight, I could really feel his concern when he dislocated my shoulder yesterday.
KIMBALL:He puts on a tough guy act, but... deep down I know he cares about you guys.
TUCKER:Kimball, I hate to break it to you, but the dude doesn't give a shit about any of this. He's just in it for the money.
KIMBALL:It's... more complicated than that.
TUCKER:Oh... Are you banging?
KIMBALL:Jesus, no!
TUCKER:Just sayin'. Guy does stuff for money...
KIMBALL:We are not banging.
TUCKER:(sly) So you're single?
KIMBALL:Felix may not be fighting for the same reasons we are but he has more than enough motivation to win this war.
TUCKER:What do you mean?
KIMBALL:Things weren't always this bad. The tides have turned time and time again, and we've come so close to victory, only to be pushed back to the brink of defeat. But, whenever things looked their worst, Felix was there with vehicles or weapons or even just a plan of attack. I never wanted to be a soldier, Tucker. None of us did. But Felix? He chose this lifestyle, and he chose it because he's good at it.
TUCKER:You know, for his boss, you really make it sound like you need him more than he needs you.
KIMBALL:Well, I wasn't always his boss. He was in this fight before I was even an officer.
TUCKER:What?
KIMBALL:Tucker, I am the fourth person to lead the New Republic.
TUCKER:And I repeat, what?
KIMBALL:Our first leader was killed in action. The second was assassinated at what we had been told would be a peace treaty, and the third was blown out of the sky while trying to leave Chorus for help.
Camera shows Tucker backed up, far away from Kimball.
KIMBALL:What are you doing?
TUCKER:Call me crazy, but I suddenly don't feel as safe around you.
KIMBALL:(humorous) Heh, I guess my position does have a pretty quick turnover.
TUCKER:(sly) Okay, now you're talking my language!
KIMBALL:Touch me, and you'll sink to the bottom of this lake.
TUCKER:No touching!
KIMBALL:That's what I thought.
TUCKER:So Felix has been on the rebel's payroll for a long time. What makes you think he won't just up and leave whenever he's made enough money? I know I would. ...Hahahah, I mean, if I wasn't so invested in your cause.
KIMBALL:Like I said, Felix has more than enough motivation to win this war. The thing that keeps him fighting? It's the same thing that's kept us from victory for so long. It's what took your friends. It's Locus.
Camera zooms in on Tucker.
TUCKER:...Whaaaat?!
Cut to a section of the New Republic caves.
GRIF:(voice only) Men! Front and center on the double!
Cut to Smith, Jensen, Palomo, and Bitters lining up in front of Grif.
SMITH:Is something wrong, sir?
GRIF:Oh, you better believe something is wrong, Private Smith!
BITTERS:Wait, I thought we were lieutenants.
PALOMO:I'm a private.
GRIF:Lieutenant, private, whatever! Just listen to your captain!
BITTERS:I thought Tucker was our captain.
Cut to Palomo.
PALOMO:No, Tucker is our leader. I think Grif's still a captain.
Cut to Jensen.
JENSEN:Are we still lieutenants?
Cut to Smith.
SMITH:Well I don't see why not.
Cut to Caboose.
CABOOSE:Yeah, is this the line for the bathroom?
GRIF:(angrily) LISTEN TO YOUR CAPTAIN!
Simmons enters
SIMMONS:Okay, I'll bite. What's going on?
GRIF:We have had a major breach of security Simmons! A major fucking breach!
SIMMONS:We have?
GRIF:Someone from this squad has stolen from my very secret and very personal food stash.
SIMMONS:Oh, right. God help us if you only have nine meals a day.
GRIF:Oh, this wasn't just petty theft, Simmons. This was murder.
CABOOSE:Uh, ah, yeah, uh. I didn't do it! Now we all agree that it was the tank's fault.
Lieutenants and Palomo turn to look at Caboose.
CABOOSE:What?
GRIF:A Little Debbie jelly cream pie I've been saving for emergencies is now missing and presumabed eaten!
SIMMONS:(gasps) No! I don't believe it!
GRIF:Neither can I!
SIMMONS:You've knowingly had food within arm's reach and haven't eaten it yet?
GRIF:I have been hiding it since basic training, Simmons.
SIMMONS:Wait... but that would mean it was, years old?!
PALOMO:How many years?
SIMMONS:Let's not get into specifics. Let's just say it's old.
GRIF:(sadly) And still so young.
SIMMONS:That's disgusting.
GRIF:Hoh I know! But we're about to find the sick son of a bitch, so don't you worry about that!
SIMMONS:Yeah, he's probably got indigestion.
CABOOSE:Yeah, and even though we all blame the tank, kinda feel like Church had something to do with it too.
Grif walks towards Caboose and the four recruits.
GRIF:You see, only one man in this squad knew about my food locker. He'd seen it after every training mission I gave him while he was in my squad.
Grif walks down the line and stops in front of Bitters.
GRIF:After every single raid on the mess hall, he reported back to me and I thought I could trust him, but it turns out I was wrong. Isn't that right... Bitters!
Brief pause
GRIF:Well, what do you have to say for yourself?!
BITTERS:...(burps) I think my stomach is dying...
GRIF:Damn it Bitters, I thought you were cool! But it turns out you're nothing but a lazy, good-for-nothing, dirtbag!
Matthews approaches Grif.
MATTHEWS:Hey, leave him alone!
GRIF:(angrily) Shut it Simmons!
MATTHEWS:(confused) Si-Simmons?
GRIF:Oh. Wait, I-I mean-
SIMMONS:Grif, you're starting to sound like Sarge.
GRIF:(shocked) What the- de- Simmons, what is happening to me?
SIMMONS:I think you're having a mental breakdown!
CABOOSE:Yeah, those are my favorite kind.
SIMMONS:(to Grif) Being thrust into a position of power must be putting too much stress on your brain! Now it's defaulting to what you subconsciously perceive to be the symbol of leadership: Sarge!
GRIF:That's not true! That's impossible! Nooooooooohohooooooo!!
Cut to Bitters, Palomo, Jensen, and Smith.
PALOMO:Do you guys have any idea what's going on here?
JENSEN:Not in the slightest.
BITTERS:(uncomfortably) I-I-I think I'm gonna vomit.
GRIF:(off screen) Oh god, I'm gonna hurl.
JENSEN:Gross.
BITTERS:D-d-don't let me drown in my helmet.
Cut back to Tucker and Kimball at the lake.
TUCKER:What does Locus have to do with any of this?
KIMBALL:When the Federal Army heard we had hired a mercenary to help our side, they decided to do the same. But they didn't just find any contract killer. They found Felix's oldest rival. His ex-partner: Locus.
TUCKER:So you're telling me Felix used to be friends with that psycho?!
KIMBALL:Not exactly.
The scene transitions to the past, depicting Felix and Locus fighting alongside each other during the Great War. Plasma blasts and explosions are seen in the background.
KIMBALL:(voice over) They fought together in the Great War, and their squad saw one of the worst battles in UNSC history. Felix and Locus never got along. They fought over everything but, considering what they were up against, they banded together...and they survived. But, surviving isn't always enough.
Scene flash forwards to the aftermath of the Great War, where several UNSC soldiers, including Felix and Locus, are seen in a room. The soldiers gradually fade away until only Locus and Felix are left.
KIMBALL:(voice over) When the war was over many soldiers had a difficult time returning to civilian life. And some of them weren't able to return at all.
Felix turns around. Cut another flashback, where Felix is seen on Chorus fighting alongside the New Republic. Locus suddenly appears atop a hill, fighting alongside the Federal Army of Chorus.
KIMBALL:(voice over) Felix and Locus were always competitive. But when Locus signed up with the Feds, I think Felix took it as a final challenge.
TUCKER:(voice over) Final challenge?
KIMBALL:(voice over) Locus knew that his mission would mean killing his former ally, but he took it anyway. Either the money was too good or Locus wanted to know, once and for all, which of them was better.
Cut back to the present.
KIMBALL:We all have our reasons for fighting, Tucker. And I know that your's are your friends. Your five days are almost up, and I don't know when we're going to get another chance at this.
TUCKER:You know, I think I respond better to positive reinforcement.
KIMBALL:I'm just saying, you should make the most out of the time you have left. Your squad may be improving slowly, but they're improving nonetheless. You just need to keep trying.
TUCKER:Right, because that's been working so well.
KIMBALL:Feel free to come by my office if you ever need anything, Tucker.
Kimball leaves. Cut to Tucker approaching Simmons, Grif, and Caboose.
CABOOSE:Ah, fun's over, Tucker's back.
GRIF:(frantic) Tucker! Tucker, come here! Tell me I'm cool! Tell me I'm lazy and that I don't play by the rules!
TUCKER:(confused) What?
GRIF:I don't wanna Southern accent!!
CABOOSE:Yarr, drop and give me booty!
TUCKER:...
SIMMONS:We're dealing with some issues.
TUCKER:Well hurry up and get over it. I need you guys to meet me at the bunks in ten mintues!
SIMMONS:Why? What's going on?
TUCKER:...We're leaving.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 7: Self Assessment

Fade in to the New Republic Headquarters. Cut to the interior of a bunker where Tucker, Grif, Simmons, and Caboose are seen standing.
SIMMONS:(to Tucker) What do you mean 'leaving'? Where are we going?
CABOOSE:(excited) Is it to the park?! Ooh, I know, it's the beach! Wait a minute, you're not taking me to the vet, are you?
TUCKER:No, we're going to break into that compound and bust out our friends.
SIMMONS:But, we still have some time left to train the squad. Why would we leave now?
TUCKER:Because the squad's not coming with us.
CABOOSE:Are they going in a separate car?
TUCKER:No.
CABOOSE:Ah, so they're flying. Ya know, I have an extra bag to check. Is that gonna be a problem? Cause-
TUCKER:No. Caboose, we're going on this mission alone.
CABOOSE:Alone with the squad. Got it.
GRIF:Why would we do that?
TUCKER:I don't know if you guys have noticed, but our super-elite team sucks. There's no way they'll be able to pull off a rescue mission.
SIMMONS:We don't know that. Kimball could still pass us.
TUCKER:I'm not talking about passing. I'm talking about our trainees blowing up or getting shot or disintegrated or something.
SIMMONS:Oh. Yeah, that's a problem.
TUCKER:Look, Felix, was right. We're just gonna end up getting more people killed.
GRIF:So you're saying we should just get ourselves killed instead?
TUCKER:Hey, we've done crazier things than this. Remember that time we fought, like, a bajillion hundred robots? We didn't fuck that up.
SIMMONS:We had Church.
TUCKER:Okay, well, what about C.T.? Or the Meta?
SIMMONS:We got lucky.
TUCKER:Bullshit. Now maybe we can't teach a bunch of people how to fight, but the four of us can totally pull this off. We're not gonna get another chance like this. We just have to go in and get our guys back. After that, Wash will know what to do.
SIMMONS:But even Felix couldn't break into this place.
TUCKER:We're not Felix. Felix is smart. The Feds won't be expecting dumb.
CABOOSE:Hey! Who are you calling dumb?
SIMMONS:Shut up.
CABOOSE:No, Simmons, I was just asking for some clarification. I'm a little lost.
TUCKER:Look, we keep trying to strategize and use codenames and act like real soldiers, but we're not. We haven't been from the beginning. So why are we trying now? I say we just get in there and do what we do best.
GRIF:Uhh, which is ...?
TUCKER:I have no idea. But, uh, whatever it is, it's worked for us before.
(a short pause)
SIMMONS:That's your plan? We just show up and wing it? That's the worst plan I've ever-
GRIF:Alright. Let's do it.
SIMMONS:(surprised) What- Grif? You wanna do this?
GRIF:Yeah. So what?
SIMMONS:(incredulous) So what? You never wanna do anything. Ever.
GRIF:Simmons, I've been following orders I never liked for years.
SIMMONS:No you haven't. You disobey orders all the time.
GRIF:Well, I don't wanna be the guy who gives shitty orders that nobody wants to follow. I will not become a Sarge, dammit. There's no way I'm making a bunch of stupid rebels get shot for something I want. So yeah, whatever. Let's just do it!
SIMMONS:(sniffs) That's the most selfless thing you've ever said.
GRIF:But I wanna steal more food before we go.
SIMMONS:(sniffs) Okay, that's more like it.
CABOOSE:Yay, mission!
TUCKER:(encouragingly) Simmons?
Caboose and Grif turn toward Simmons.
SIMMONS:(sigh) How are we getting there?
TUCKER:Ha ha, yes. Okay, I snuck into Kimball's office and grabbed all the data I took from the Feds' lab. We've got a map that will lead us straight to them. All we need is a ride.
GRIF:Vehicle bay's got plenty of Warthogs, I guess.
CABOOSE:And I can drive a tank!
ALL:NO!
CABOOSE:Well, you're all just jealous.
SIMMONS:Wait, what about the rebels? I mean, I don't think they'll be happy with us just leaving like this.
Tucker then turns to a computer screen to his right, and the others follow his gaze. Cut to Matthews in the vehicle bay. Bitters walks into view.
BITTERS:Hey, Matthews. Have you seen the Reds and Blues around? Can't find them.
MATTHEWS:No, but that might explain why two of our jeeps are missing.
Cut to the bunker interior. A recording starts playing with Kimball and the squad listening.
SIMMONS:(voice recording) Hello everyone. If you're listening to this, it means we're already gone.
TUCKER:(voice recording) Look, it's not you, it's us.
CABOOSE:(voice recording) Tell them not to leave the lights on!
GRIF:(voice recording) Caboose! Not now!
CABOOSE:(voice recording) I miss you already. I promise we'll call. (recording ends)
KIMBALL:Dammit, Tucker.
PALOMO:They just... left us?
Felix walks in.
FELIX:Who left us? (notices the paused recording) Oh no.
Cut to a desert refueling station. The Reds and Blues arrive in the borrowed Warthogs and dismount to investigate the station.
SIMMONS:Okay, the ability to fly... North.
GRIF:Eh, I don't know.
SIMMONS:What do you mean? That's a great "terrible superpower".
GRIF:Yeah, but you can still fly.
SIMMONS:You can only fly North. It's so inconvenient. Once you land, you have to walk wherever you're going.
GRIF:Mmm, I guess so.
SIMMONS:Okay, what about the ability to teleport ... one foot at a time.
GRIF:Mmmmm, meh.
SIMMONS:You're meh. This road trip sucks.
TUCKER:Hello-oh! Anybody home?! We got some cars that need fuel.
CABOOSE:Yeah, yes! We would also like to perchase some lottery tickets! Yeah, I know the odds, but I just, I still think it's just fun.
SIMMONS:This place looks deserted.
GRIF:Whoo hoo! Let's loot! I've always wanted my own Slurpee machine.
TUCKER:Oh, dude, let me know if they've got any magazines.
CABOOSE:Me too! One with pictures!
TUCKER:Specificly ones with pictures. You know what I'm saying.
An odd-sounding explosion goes off inside the nearby cave system.
SIMMONS:What was that?
TUCKER:Maybe it's the owners.
GRIF:Oh man. Can't we just pretend they're not here and loot anyway.
TUCKER:Hey Caboose, go tell them they got customers. You guys guys start filling up the cars.
GRIF:Do it yourself. I'm gonna take a leak. (walks off-screen)
CABOOSE:Oh, alright, but be sure to get my lottery ticket. My numbers are 5! 7! And don't forget them. (walks into cave system)
TUCKER:I know I said a bunch of inspirational crap back at the base, but it's times like these when I really wonder how we haven't been killed yet. You know?
SIMMONS:The power to turn into the Hulk ... but only when you're asleep.
Cut to the inside of the station. Grif walks into view with an empty Slurpee cup.
GRIF:Hello? Just here to use the bathroom! Also, somebody emptied out your Slurpee machine! Might want to get that filled! Man, what kind of gas station doesn't have hot dogs?
Grif opens a door, revealing a corspe.
GRIF:Puh-hoh! Wheah! Jesus, it smells like somebody died in- (notices the hand; becomes terrified) -here.
Cut to Caboose walking through the cave system.
CABOOSE:(humming)
An indistinct voice is heard.
CONTROL:(voice only) Targets will be arriving in the morning. Do not disappoint me.
JACKSON:(off screen) Understood, Control.
CABOOSE:Eh. I think I hear the sound of some new friends. (reappears from behind a rock pillar) Hellooooooo- (Tucker quickly covers his mouth with his hand) Oh! (whispered) Tucker. Perfect! You can help me and my friends come up with a secret high five!
Cut to the Reds and Blues approaching a pile of crates upon a ledge overlooking a group of steel-armored Federal troopers.
TROOPER 1:So what's the word?
JACKSON:Control says to give it thirty more minutes.
FEMALE TROOPER:Ugh, this is a waste of time.
TROOPER 1:Agreed.
GRIF:Who are these guys?
TUCKER:Well, they're definitely not the gas station attendents.
GRIF:(sarcastically) Wow, Tucker. I can really see why you're the leader.
TUCKER:Up. Yours.
SIMMONS:Quiet. I can't hear what they're saying.
JACKSON:You know what the say: Orders are orders.
LOCUS:(over radio) Jackson.
JACKSON:Yes, Locus.
LOCUS:(over radio) Change of plans. Report back to base immediately. The Reds and Blues will be requiring... an escort.
JACKSON:Understood. (to the squad) You heard him, grab the gear and prep for evac.
The troopers walk away into a nearby tunnel.
CABOOSE:Where are they going?
Tucker moves after them.
SIMMONS:Tucker, wait!
Another odd explosion goes off, and Tucker sees an empty tunnel.
TUCKER:They just... vanished.
SIMMONS:Vanished?
GRIF:They said something about Reds and Blues.
CABOOSE:Oh my God! I know those colors! They're us!
TUCKER:They were Feds. I heard one of them mention Locus.
SIMMONS:Well they didn't look like the typical Stormtrooper guys. You think they were Special Ops?
TUCKER:I think we should get to the base as fast as possible. Come on, let's go.
Fade to black.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 8: Thin Ice

Fade in to a row of cones lined up on a concrete barrier. A shot fires and misses a cone. Cut to Palomo and Bitters
PALOMO:Missed.
Bitters fires again
PALOMO:Missed.
Bitters fires again
PALOMO:Missed.
BITTERS:Palomo, I know when I miss!
Bitters fires again.
PALOMO:Are you missing on purpose?
BITTERS:Oh alright, that’s it!
Bitters turns and begins to beat up Palomo. Cut to Jensen; punching and shouting can be heard in the background.
PALOMO:(off screen) Ow! Ow! Ow! It was a legitimate question!
BITTERS:Am I missing now?!
JENSEN:(sighs)
Smith approaches Jensen.
SMITH:Well, I spoke with Kimball. Search and rescue has been denied.
BITTERS:Yeah well good riddance. They never cared about us anyway.
JENSEN:How could you say that? They left because they didn't want us getting hurt.
BITTERS:Yeah, well what do you call this? They didn't take us to get shot, but they sure as hell left us to die!
JENSEN:(voice breaks) ...We don’t know that, they could come back.
SMITH:Their message didn’t exactly specify.
PALOMO:They'll come back. I know they’ll come back.
Palomo raises his rifle. A shot is fired and hits a cone.
BITTERS:Nice shot.
PALOMO:Wasn't me
Cut to Felix behind them, revealed to be the one who shot the cone.
FELIX:You shouldn't be so hard on the guys. They did what they thought was best. Can’t fault them for that. Still, I’m gonna beat the living shit out of those four when I find them.
SMITH:When you find them?
FELIX:Tell Kimball I’m buying back one of the warthogs I sold her.
Felix leaves.
JENSEN:But Felix, she said we weren't allowed to go after them! It was a direct order!
FELIX:Well orders only work on soldiers! I am a mercenary.
Cut to a Federal Army outpost base, located in an icy area. Simmons, Grif, Tucker, and Caboose are seen standing behind a wall at the compound.
F.A.C. OUTPOST 37
SIMMONS:This is it. According to our data, the Federal Army base is just on the other side of this wall.
TUCKER:About time! My ass was asleep for so long, I thought it slipped into a coma!
GRIF:So, we're here. Now what?
TUCKER:We bust our way in. Anyone have any ideas?
SIMMONS:We could try scaling the wall?
TUCKER:Uh, that’s a little too obvious. Think dumber.
GRIF:We could knock on the door?
TUCKER:Too dumb
GRIF:I was joking!
CABOOSE:We could knock on their door?
GRIF:I just said that?!
CABOOSE:Yeaah, but you were joking. I felt the plan deserved more serious consideration.
TUCKER:Hmm, How do you break into an evil ice fortress?
CABOOSE:You melt it! Like evil ice cream!
TUCKER:Holy Shit. We melt our way in!
CABOOSE:Whe- Wai- Rea- YES! I WIN!
GRIF:What?
TUCKER:We can’t go through the wall, and going over it is what most people would do, so let’s just go under it.
GRIF:That’s retarded.
TUCKER:Exactly! Damn, I’d never thought I'd say this, I mean ever, seriously but, good job Caboose.
CABOOSE:Oh well I’m just really glad someone appreciates my genius. Now let’s start melting!
Caboose crouches down and starts breathing on the snow.
TUCKER:Caboose, you're wearing a helmet. That’s not doing anything.
CABOOSE:Okay, well fine, then how do you explain my sudden light headed...ness.
TUCKER:What about friction? All the ladies tell me I light a fire between their legs.
GRIF:That’s chlamydia.
SIMMONS:Friction won’t work. It’s gotta be negative forty degrees Celsius out here.
The group stare at Simmons, confused.
SIMMONS:That’s negative forty degrees Fahrenheit.
TUCKER:Jesus, that's cold!
GRIF:That’s freezing!
SIMMONS:You people are idiots.
GRIF:Well say it in American next time.
TUCKER:Oh! I've got it!
Tucker pulls out his sword and stabs it into the ground.
TUCKER:STAB!
SIMMONS:Is it working?
The sword's heat begins to melt away the ice. Cut to the group falling into a tunnel.
SIMMONS:Ahh, it worked!
GRIF:Where are we?!
SNOWMAN FED:(off screen) Hey! What was that noise?
TUCKER:Oh shit, we’re inside!
CABOOSE:I think bad guys are coming!
SIMMONS:(panicking) What do we do? What do we do?!
TUCKER:I don’t know! I didn't think this far ahead!
SIMMONS:Damn it! This is why winging it is a bad idea! No more winging it!
FED:(off screen) I swear, I heard something just around the corner.
GRIF:Let’s get out of here!
TUCKER:There could be more guards! We’ll be caught!
SIMMONS:Well we've gotta do something!
The Fed begins to make his way towards the Reds and Blues.
FED:Just a few more feet and I’ll be there.
CABOOSE:Tucker!
The Fed emerges from the corner to see four snowmen in the tunnel.
FED:What the-? Huh…. Well would you look at that, just a couple of harmless snowmen. You guys wouldn’t happen to be the ones making all that racket now, would you? Heh heh.... (raises rifle) Well, time for some target practice.
Tucker stabs the soldier with his sword through the snowman.
FED:But... why snowman?
Cut to the Fed soldier, buried dead under a pile of snow. Cut to Tucker, Caboose, and Grif whilst Simmons is dusting snow off himself in the background.
TUCKER:I cannot believe that worked.
GRIF:Uh, you're welcome.
TUCKER:How did you do that?
GRIF:I used the same trick to hide from Sarge all the time back in Blood Gulch.
TUCKER:You constructed, and then hid inside of... a snowman. In the middle of a hot canyon.
Flashback to Blood Gulch where Grif is crouching behind a rock with melted snow. Simmons is standing next to him.
SIMMONS:Hey Sarge! I found him!
Cut back to the present.
GRIF:It wasn't always a perfect plan.
SIMMONS:According to our intel, there’s not much standing between the end of this tunnel and the detention facility.
TUCKER:That’s awesome!
SIMMONS:No, I mean there’s literally nothing between us
Camera shows an open space between the group and the detention facility.
SIMMONS:We'll be spotted as soon as we leave the tunnel.
TUCKER:I don’t know, doesn't look like there’s anyone around to me.
A siren blares off from the speakers around the outpost.
SOLDIER ON PA:Alright, lunch breaks over. Back to your stations people.
Feds start piling out of the base and moving to their posts.
SOLDIER ON A WARTHOG:Come on maggots, get the lead out! Move! Move! Move!
Soldiers continue to move out of the outpost and set up stations around the base.
SOLDIER IN A TANK:Woo! Brand new tank, coming in! This will kill any intruders for sure!
Cut back to the Reds and Blues.
TUCKER:I hate my stupid mouth.
GRIF:I hate it more.
SIMMONS:How are we gonna sneak past that?
TUCKER:We're not.
GRIF:Glad to hear you’re finally making sense, Tucker. Let’s go home. Good effort everybody! We came, we saw, we realized it was impossible, no shame in that.
Cut back to the group in the tunnel.
GRIF:Can’t help but realize we haven't left yet.
TUCKER:We can’t sneak past those guys, so instead, we're gonna make as much noise as possible. If we can cause enough trouble somewhere else, we can draw them away from the prison. What do you guys think?
SIMMONS:Well, it fits with the dumb ideas thing.
TUCKER:I think here if we fuck up these important looking pipes and then haul ass, we can make it into the building.
GRIF:Ugh, we have to run?
TUCKER:We have to try. Worst case scenario, we end up in jail with everyone else and just wait for this whole civil war thing to blow over.
SIMMONS:I think worst case scenario is getting shot. Or Grif getting shot and we have to carry him. There’s only three of us.
TUCKER:(pauses for consideration) Fuck it. Caboose, do your thing.
CABOOSE:Time to CLEAN THE PIPES!
Cut to two soldiers standing atop the base, as an alarm goes off.
ALARM:Alert. Catastrophic breach detected in sewage pipeline. Sector 3.
FED SOLDIER:Sucks to be maintenance.
ALARM:Warning. Sewage breach detected in the barracks.
FED SOLDIER:Oh shit! My stuff! Noooo!
Soldiers suddenly begin to run off to the barracks to protect their belongings.
TUCKER:Now’s our chance, run!
SIMMONS:Here goes nothing!
CABOOSE:Let's race!
GRIF:Urghhh.
FED SOLDIER:Come on guys, gotta save our shit! From the shit!
Soldiers continue to run off to the barracks, yelling indistinctly while doing so, whilst Tucker, Simmons, Grif and Caboose run across to the detention facility.
FED SOLDIER:Last night was taco night!
Cut to the Reds and Blues entering the detention facility.
CABOOSE:Yeah, first place!
GRIF:(panting heavily) Oh my god... I’m gonna die. I hope I die.
The four make their way to a concealed door.
TUCKER:Simmons, do something about this door!
SIMMONS:What do you mean?
TUCKER:It’s locked. Hack the door controls or something!
SIMMONS:What makes you think I can just hack a door?
TUCKER:You're the smart one! All your good for is hacking things and making me look more handsome in comparison!
SIMMONS:(panicking) I don't have any intel! I don't have any tools! I-I-I can’t just do it, I need time!
GRIF:We don’t have time, genius. Just pretend like it’s a timed maths test or something!
SIMMONS:I don’t work well under pressure! You know that!
The door suddenly opens and the group raise their guns in response, towards the unknown enemy beyond the door.
TUCKER:Oh shit…
Camera pans across to reveal Tucker aiming his gun at Washington, who also has his gun raised. The camera then reveals Washington, Sarge, Donut, and Lopez in the doorway. Everyone lowers their weapons.
WASHINGTON:Tucker?
TUCKER:Wash?
SARGE:What in sam hell are you boys doing here?
SIMMONS:We came to save you!
DONUT:But, we were supposed to save you?
The camera slowly pans away from the Blood Gulch group, who continue to stand motionless in the doorway.
CABOOSE:Bum bum buuummmm…… Cliffhanger!
Cut to black.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 9: The Federal Army of Chorus

WEEKS EARLIER... JUNGLE CANYON, "CRASH SITE BRAVO"
Fade in to Washington's point of view, who sees several Feds assisting an unconscious Sarge nearby.
FED SOLDIER:I repeat, we have three survivors in need of immediate assistance. (to a Fed) Make sure the docs are ready. He really did a number on them.
WASHINGTON:(weakly) Sarge...
Locus approaches Wash.
LOCUS:He's not dead. ...Not yet.
WASHINGTON:No...
Wash turns his head towards the sky and sees Locus looking down upon him.
LOCUS:I warned you, Agent Washington. I gave you a choice. And you chose to fight. I admire that decision.
WASHINGTON:(weakly) Fuck... you... monster.
LOCUS:No, I'm not a monster. I'm a soldier, like you.
Locus leaves as the screen fades out. Fade back in to reveal a broken down facility. Wash is seen wearing his blue armor, hearing the Director.
DIRECTOR:(voice only) Why hello, Agent Washington.
WASHINGTON:Project Freelancer?
COUNSELOR:(voice over) Agent Washington.
WASHINGTON:Huh?!
Wash suddenly flashes back to the past where he sees himself talking to the Counselor.
COUNSELOR:(voice only) So you would say that you have overwhelming feelings of anger, and a need for revenge?
PAST WASHINGTON:More than you know.
WASHINGTON:...What?
Wash then flashes back to the point where he shoots Lopez and Donut. He runs towards his past self in order to stop himself from shooting Donut. However, the scene goes as it did before.
WASHINGTON:Wait! WAIT!
His past self fires at Donut, causing him to collapse immediately.
SIMMONS:Why did you do that?! What's wrong with you?!
WASHINGTON:No...I was just...
LOCUS:(echoing) I was just following orders.
WASHINGTON:I was just following orders...
VOICE:(echoing) You shot him!
WASHINGTON:What?
Simmons appears in front of Washington.
SIMMONS:You shot him! You shot Donut!
Washington backs away and aims his pistol at Simmons.
WASHINGTON:No I just... I did what I had to do!
Locus appears behind Washington.
LOCUS:Don't we all?
Washington turns around and shoots at Locus. However, he finds his own body on the ground.
LOCUS:(voice only) Agent Washington...
Now back in his steel and yellow armor, Washington stares down at himself.
EMILY GREY:(voice only) Agent Washington? Agent Washington!
Cut to black.
EMILY GREY:(voice only) Oh. Well...that was close.
Cut to Washington, Sarge, and Donut, handcuffed inside a Federal Army outpost.
F.A.C. OUTPOST 37
SARGE:Dirtbags! Each and every one of 'em! The soldiers: dirtbags! The medics: dirtbags! That good-for-nothin' mercenary, who shoots a man when he ain't even lookin': you best believe he's a numero uno dirtbag! And you...
Sarge acknowledges a Fed standing nearby.
SARGE:You know what you are...
DONUT:Ooh, ooh, me! Pick me, Sarge!
SARGE:Shut up, Donut.
DONUT:But I was gonna say "dirtbag".
SARGE:What? Doh! Doh- For the love of-! Now you've gone and given away the answer to my rhetorical question!
WASHINGTON:I have an idea. Let's play the quiet game.
DONUT:Ohohoho. It. Is. On!
SARGE:Great Monopoly's top hat, Wash. Now is not the time for games! Now is the time for action! Come on, help me get out of these cuffs. There's a certain someone in this room that I feel like bludgeoning to death!
DONUT:Just use your feet, Sarge. If he fights back, I'll beat him off ya!
SARGE:You're not thinking, Donut! That'll just alert more guards.
DONUT:Well if I can't beat off a room full of dudes, then what have I been training for this whole time?
WASHINGTON:I would really like to play the quiet game, please.
FED:(off screen) Officer on deck!
Cut to Doyle and a couple of Feds. Doyle approaches Wash, Donut, and Sarge.
DOYLE:Agent Washington, Franklin Donut, Sarge. I... am so-oooh sorry!
SARGE:(pause) Say what now?
DOYLE:Guard, uncuff these men at once! And return their weaponry, for God's sake!
FED:Yes sir. (walks up to Sarge) Really sorry about this, sir. I'd appreciate it if you decided not to bludgeon me to death.
SARGE:Ah, I suppose I could settle for near death.
DONUT:Bye, handcuffs. Aw, wait. I didn't even get to use my safe word. (whispering) It's "Chrysanthemum."
WASHINGTON:Okay, wait, stop. Stop!
DOYLE:Um, what is it, Agent Washington?
WASHINGTON:What is it? What is it! First, you send men to kill us. Then you send men to capture us. And now that we're here, you're giving us guns and saying you're SORRY?
DOYLE:Uh... Is that a problem?
Wash aims at Doyle.
WASHINGTON:Only for you, if you don't-
DOYLE:O-oh dear. (faints)
DONUT:What a weenie.
Cut to Wash, Sarge, and Donut standing outside atop a bunker.
WASHINGTON:I don't understand. None of this makes any sense.
The group notice Emily Grey talking to Doyle.
EMILY GREY:(enthusiastically) Now just take it easy for the rest of the day. Remember, "You're no good to me dead." Although, I suppose I could run some experiments on your body.
DOYLE:Uh, thank you, Emily. Ahah, your help is always appreciated.
EMILY GREY:Anytime General Doyle! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have limbs to amputate! (leaves)
DOYLE:Of course.
Doyle approaches Wash, Sarge, and Donut.
DOYLE:Gentlemen. I'm afraid I have nothing but apologies for you today. It must be the thin air up here, I-I've been doing a lot of travelling lately and my body's still adjusting to-
WASHINGTON:(approaches Doyle) "Doyle," right?
DOYLE:Oh, uh... well yes. Very observant. General Donald Doyle of the Federal Army of Chorus at your service.
SARGE:At our service?
DONUT:Full service?
WASHINGTON:Okay General. Let me catch you up to speed on what the past few days have been like for me. I've got a canyon of shipwrecked survivors all trying to hail a rescue, when a squad of soldiers, all wearing your uniform, come down and attack us with their leader, a big black suited son of a bitch who goes by the name Locus. Then once he leaves, I've got another guy named Felix telling me you and yours have been terrorizing this planet and to top it all off, that we're wanted men for crashing on it in the first place! (angrily) So please, if you could do your best to convince me not to kill you this very second, that would REALLY BENEFIT THE BOTH OF US!
SARGE:(nervously) ...Uh, yeah!
DOYLE:(sighs) Yes, I see. None of this happened the way that it should have. Tell me, how much do you know about the New Republic?
SARGE:They don't try and kill us, for starters.
DOYLE:A note-worthy quality, yes. But uh, what else do you know about them?
WASHINGTON:They're rebels, fighting to overthrow a corrupt leadership. They heard our distress call and hoped we could help.
DOYLE:And you heard all of this from a mercenary, hired to assist them at all costs? ...A bit of a biased source, don't you think? These "rebels" aren't looking to free this planet, their aim is to dominate it! They were given ample opportunities to move to uh, form their own society, somewhere else on Chorus; it is a large planet, I can assure you. But nooooo. They are determined to uh, "take back what is theirs!" I'll admit, times were hard, but as a planet cut off from the rest of the galaxy we did our best to govern the people. But it wasn't enough. Suddenly buildings were exploding! There... There were riots in the streets! Complete and utter panic, everywhere! These were not acts of freedom, they were acts of terrorism! And we could not risk warriors of your caliber allying with them.
WASHINGTON:So you sent your men to kill us?!
DOYLE:Absolutely not!
SARGE:I've got a few cracked ribs that beg to differ! And a hipbone that strongly disagrees!
DOYLE:Again, I must apologize. The way this was handled was not at all what I had wanted. Upon hearing of your arrival on Chorus, I ordered Locus to confirm his findings and bring you to us as soon as possible. Unfortunately, it appears as though I should've been more specific in the exact method of your acquisition.
WASHINGTON:So what, this was all your mercenary's fault? Y-You expect me to believe that the general of an army can't control his own men?
DOYLE:Y-Y-You're mistaken in assuming I have any control over Locus whatsoever! He is a dog, that has long since broken from his leash. ...But we need him. (walks towards the edge of the roof) As I'm sure you already observed, I'm not a battle-worn soldier ripe with military expertise. On the contrary, I was simply next in line to run the army should something happen to its leader.
WASHINGTON:Wh-what do you mean? Lieutenant General? Major General?
DOYLE:(embarrassed) Uh, personal secretary to the Brigadier.
WASHINGTON:(shocked) What?!
DONUT:Where'd all the other guys go?
DOYLE:Some of them left before things took a turn for the worst, but uh hmmmm...most of them were killed. Yes, definitely they were killed. Not many of us left these days, I'm afraid.
SARGE:But you're supposed to be the evil Empire! With giant warships and floating space lasers! Not camping out in the snow, that's stuff for rebels! And the sadly endangered polar bear...
DOYLE:Well, we are doing significantly better than before! We still have multiple bases of operation and Locus has managed to acquire top-notch military equipment! He even helped us strategize some of our more recent victories. Mmm, though I would not consider your rescue to be one of them.
WASHINGTON:I also wouldn't consider it to be a rescue.
DOYLE:Well, I can assure you that he was punished severely for taking such drastic measures against you! I made sure he wasn't paid a single penny for the job!
WASHINGTON:How comforting.
DOYLE:Gentlemen, I am fully aware that I may never gain your trust. But let me be perfectly clear: we are not your enemy. The New Republic has your men and I can promise you, they are likely recruiting them into their rebellion as we speak. Now I can inform my troops not to attack them, but I cannot stop them from defending themselves. I'm.. also unable to promise you a safe escape from Chorus in the middle of this conflict. Most of our ships are shot down before they can escape the atmosphere.
WASHINGTON:So what can you promise us?
DOYLE:(sighs) If you can help us defeat these terrorists, it would not only save our planet, it would also save your comrades. Then, once the skies are clear, you can leave this forsaken planet once and for all!
SARGE:(to Wash) ...Hmmm, I don't like it, but I'm not really seeing another way out. (to Doyle) Unless beating you unconscious would somehow work.
DOYLE:(laughs nervously) Highly doubtful.
SARGE:Drat. I guess I'm in.
Wash looks at Donut.
DONUT:No man left behind, right?
Wash turns to Doyle.
WASHINGTON:I still have one question for you General.
DOYE:Uh which issss?
WASHINGTON:Where are.. our... robots?
Cut to the inside of a bunker. Lopez is seen reactivating next to a Fed technician.
LOPEZ:(stands) Heauegerkergerk!
FED TECHNICIAN:All right! Fixed up and ready to go.
Cut to Lopez's HUD.
SARGE:Bienvenidos robo-buddy! You're back in the world of the living! Viva...la viva.
Cut back to Lopez.
LOPEZ:Yo no estaba muerto. Mis miembros simplemente dejaron de funcionar y ellos me tiraron en el basurero. Fue la experiencia más agradable que he tenido en años. Después aparecieron ustedes. 
CAPTION:I wasn't dead. My limbs just stopped working and they put me in the trash can. It was the most enjoyable experience I have had in years. Then you showed up.
SARGE:(chuckles) No need to thank us son.
LOPEZ:Me hice amigos de una rata espacial.
CAPTION:I made friends with a space rat.
DONUT:We have got a lot of catching up to do!
LOPEZ:Cuéntame más tarde. Seguro que es estúpido y confuso.
CAPTION:Fill me in later. I'm sure it's stupid and confusing.
WASHINGTON:Now, what about Freckles?
FED TECHNICIAN:(confused) Uh, what's a "Freckles?"
Locus suddenly appears before the group.
LOCUS:Agent Washington is referring to a MANTIS-class military assault droid. And you won't find it among this wreckage.
FED TECHNICIAN:Ahah, I'll uh, just look somewhere else then. (leaves)
LOPEZ:Ay mierda.
CAPTION:Oh shit.
Wash positions himself in front of Sarge, Donut, and Lopez and aims his rifle at Locus.
WASHINGTON:(distrusting) Locus.
Locus approaches the four.
LOCUS:The droid was malfunctioning. It refused to surrender, and was therefore destroyed.
DONUT:(shocked) He's dead?!
LOCUS:It was a machine. It had no life to begin with.
LOPEZ:Culiado. 
CAPTION:Douche.
SARGE:You know, it takes a lot of nerve to come strolling in here after what you did!
LOCUS:Does my presence upset you, Sergeant?
SARGE:It gives me an itchy trigger finger. I can tell you that.
WASHINGTON:(angrily) What do you want?
LOCUS:Aside from my initial examination, the men under my command were ordered to take you alive. All attacks were intended to wound, all shots were designed to intimidate. Let me assure you my raid on your base was calculated, choreographed, and designed to apprehend you. Like herding sheep to the pen. Were it not for the intervention of the mercenary and his forces, I would've succeeded entirely.
SARGE:And what, is that supposed to make us feel better? 'Cause quite honestly it's having the opposite effect.
LOCUS:It's supposed to make you understand.
LOPEZ:Yo entiendo que eres un culiado. 
CAPTION:I understand you're a douche.
LOCUS:(to Wash) Agent Washington, I am a professional. I follow orders, and I complete my missions at all costs.
WASHINGTON:I don't care what you think you are. You just stay away from me and my men.
LOCUS:You still don't understand. Or perhaps... you do.
WASHINGTON:What?
Emily Grey appears behind Locus.
EMILY GREY:(to Locus) Excuse me! If someone tells you to leave them alone, you leave them alone.
LOCUS:...Of course, doctor.
Locus turns to Wash and hands him a storage unit.
LOCUS:(to Wash) Here.
WASHINGTON:What is this?
LOCUS:Before your droid was dismantled I had a technician remove its primary storage unit. Its "heart and mind", so to speak.
Wash quickly grabs the storage unit from Locus.
WASHINGTON:Is this supposed to be some sort of apology?
LOCUS:Is it?
DONUT:(quietly to Lopez) This guy doesn't make any sense.
LOPEZ:Se debe a que está loco.
CAPTION:That's because he's insane.
LOCUS:(menacingly) I am not!
LOPEZ:ALARM! MIERDA. EL ES BILINGÜE. POR FAVOR NO ME MATES. 
CAPTION:HOLY SHIT. HE'S BILINGUAL. PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.
LOCUS:(to Wash) You give meaning to meaningless objects and meaningless people, and risk your lives to protect them. Where's the sense in that? ...I look forward to your answer, soldier.
Locus leaves. Emily approaches the group.
EMILY GREY:Sorry about that. I promise the rest of us aren't like him. I'm Dr. Grey.
DONUT:Ooooh, a doctor! That's like a medic who saves people!
SARGE:(chuckles) You a civilian, little lady?
EMILY GREY:Civilian? (laughs hysterically) I don't think you realize how bad this planet's gotten! The only people not wearing armor these days are dead! (laughs)
WASHINGTON:I know you. Your voice...
EMILY GREY:Is that so? Oh, well I performed surgery on you after they brought you here. Sorry if you find a few new scars. A shot from a Concussion Rifle isn't bad, but a severe injury to the back of the skull can be a little tricky. Especially when your head is filled with pretty little wires and chips. I hope I didn't damage those neural implants.
WASHINGTON:I-I'm sure they're fine. Thank you.
EMILY GREY:You can thank me by ending this war as soon as possible! Bullet wounds and prosthetic limbs have become so booooring. So, come by my office tomorrow morning for a check up. Once you're cleared, you three will be shipping off.
SARGE:Shipping off?
DONUT:Where are we going?
EMILY GREY:I don't give people orders boys, I just fix them when they break! Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be back. Tomorrow morning. My office. 0800. (leaves)
SARGE:Mmm. Well, what do you fellas think?
DONUT:I think she's... nice?
SARGE:Not the doc, Donut, the army! The general! The whole dealio! Grif and Simmons are out there with the Blues! Alone, confused! Probably eating, and complaining, and back talking! God damn it Grif, just shut up already!
WASHINGTON:We do what we have to, and go along with it for now.
Cut to an exterior view of the compound.
WASHINGTON:(voice only) I just hope the others aren't in too deep without us.
Fade to black.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 10: Cloak and Dagger

Fade in to F.A.C Outpost 37, cuts to the Blood Gulch Crew standing in a hallway.
TUCKER:Okay, hold up. You're telling me that the Feds are just as helpless as the New Republic? I thought they were evil!
DONUT:Well, we thought you were being brainwashed by terrorists!
GRIF:Terrorists? Our soldiers are a bunch of harmless morons!
SARGE:Your soldiers?
SIMMONS:We were all promoted to Captains, they gave us squads and everything.
CABOOSE:(quietly) Blue Team for life.
SARGE:Clearly our enemy isn't as cunning as we once thought.
WASHINGTON:We don't have an enemy. As far as I can tell, both of these forces have reasons to fight, and neither are particularly guilt-free. We've just been caught in the middle.
TUCKER:(emphatic) But, the rebels aren't bad! Some of them are our friends.
WASHINGTON:And we managed to make a few allies within the Federal Army. None of this makes either side any better. The New Republic started this war with extremest attacks on the capitol.
TUCKER:(hostile) But only because the government was screwing them!
GRIF:You gotta admit, it sounds kinda like a dick move.
WASHINGTON:We need to get these two sides to talk to one another. Doyle is in the capitol at the moment, but maybe he can get this Kimball woman to agree to a meeting. If they can come to some sort of understanding, we might be able to end this thing, and go home.
SIMMONS:(uneasy) This isn't right.
WASHINGTON:Believe me, there's plenty wrong with this situation. But I think this is our best move. I'm just glad you guys made it.
SIMMONS:(emphatic) No, seriously, I mean this doesn't feel right. I just can't figure out what it is!
SARGE:Is it a false sense of superiority? That's probably a side effect of the false promotion.
GRIF:Minutes after re-uniting and you're already starting shit.
SARGE:What did you expect, breakfast in bed?
GRIF:I hate you.
SARGE:I hate you more.
SIMMONS:Wait, do you hear that?
TUCKER:(unsure) Uhh... No.
DONUT:You okay, Simmons?
SIMMONS:What happened to the alarms?
Cut to outside the base, Warthog are overturned and weapons on the ground. There are no soldiers in sight.
CABOOSE:(confused) Uhh... Is it lunch time again?
WASHINGTON:(loudly) Hello? Dr. Grey? Anybody?!
TUCKER:Dude. What's going on?
WASHINGTON:(troubled) I don't know.
FED TROOPER 1:(on radio) Enemy contact, fall back!
FED TROOPER 2:(on radio) Where'd he go? Screams.
WASHINGTON:(yelling) Sarge!
Sarge, Donut, and Lopez drive by in a Rocket-hog.
SARGE:Way ahead of you!
SIMMONS:(panicked) What is happening?
WASHINGTON:We're under attack!
The Rocket-hog drives over a hill. Donut and Sarge get out.
SARGE:Donut, establish a perimeter!
DONUT:Got it. (yelling) Hey! Just so you guys know, you better not come over here!
LOPEZ:Usted se avergüenza a si mismo. 
CAPTION:You embarass yourself.
A Fed runs up to Sarge.
FED:Thank god, sir, you've got to help us. They came out of nowhere.
SARGE:Who, the rebels?
FED:No!
SARGE:Oh good, because we kinda just found out that they're really not that bad. Boy, have we got a story to tell you, and you are gonna laugh!
FED:It's not the rebels, sir. It's-
Fed is sniped by Binary Rifle and disintegrates. Cuts to Sarge and the rest of the Blood Gulch Crew.
TUCKER:Umm... Did everyone else see that?
GRIF:You mean a man disintegrate right in front of us?
TUCKER:Yep!
SIMMONS:Really wish I hadn't.
Fed screams. Cut to Feds shooting randomly and all being disintegrated along with a tank. Dr. Grey is shown hiding behind a wall.
DR. GREY:(fearfully) Oh, dear.
Cuts back to Blood Gulch Crew.
SIMMONS:We've gotta do something!
GRIF:We could run! Running is something!
A sticky detonater round lands on the warthog.
WASHINGTON:(urgently) Get away from the car!
All run away from the warthog. Donut screams and Lopez yells in Spanish. The jeep explodes.
WASHINGTON:What are we dealing with?
DONUT:(squealing) We don't know!
SARGE:Well it ain't the rebels, that's for sure.
TUCKER:Then who the hell is it?
Binary rifle beams appear on all of the Blood Gulch Crew and they lower their weapons. Cut to Locus becoming visible as he walks down a flight of stairs.
LOCUS:Like sheep to the pen.
WASHINGTON:Oh no.
LOCUS:You're ready for slaughter.
TUCKER:(angrily) Locus!
Tucker raises his weapon.
LOCUS:I advise you stand down, boy.
Members of the mercenary team become visible surrounding the Blood Gulch Crew. Tucker grunts angrily and lowers his DMR.
SIMMONS:(confused) The soldiers from the fueling station?
GRIF:I thought they were Feds,
SARGE:Those ain't our guys.
LOCUS:I told you, Agent Washington, I am a professional. I complete my missions at all costs. But you, and your comrades have put a blemish on my record.
Camera pans to show Tucker preparing a grenade behind his back.
LOCUS:This, is unacceptable.
WASHINGTON:(angrily) What are you talking about? You just killed the men you're working for!
LOCUS:(grunts) It appears you don't understand after all. Unfortunate. You were such a fascinating soldier, Agent Washington.
Locus raises his sniper rifle while Tucker gets ready to throw his grenade. Felix darts in front of Washington and raises his Hardlight Shield just as Locus fires.
TUCKER:(confused) Huh?
FELIX:(urgently) Tucker! Grenade!
TUCKER:Oh! Right!
Tucker tosses Felix the grenade.
FELIX:(chuckling) Ah, that was close! Nice throw, Tucker! (laughing)
TUCKER:(uneasy) Felix?
FELIX:How many times have I jumped in front of a bullet for you, Wash? Three? Those are some pretty great reflexes, huh? Most people would have to, plan that sort of thing.
WASHINGTON:(suspicious) Felix, what are you doing?
FELIX:Just helping out an old aquaintance.
Felix throws the grenade up to Locus. Cut to a memory of Felix and Locus fighting alongside each other.
KIMBALL:(memory) They fought together in the great war.
Cut back to Outpost 37.
FELIX:You missed a spot.
LOCUS:Are you done?
Locus hands the grenade to the soldier on his left.
FELIX:Not even close.
GRIF:(indignant) Dude!
TUCKER:(shocked) This doesn't make sense! That's Locus, your enemy!
FELIX:(mocking) Riiight, and I'm the charismatic mercenary with a gruff exterior, but a heart of gold. A little too romantic, don't you think?
TUCKER:(angry) But the guy fucking shot you!
Cuts to memory of Felix being shot.
FELIX:(memory) Oh! Son of a bitch!
FELIX:Yeah, funny how an act of sacrifice like that buys you so much trust. And so much information.
Cut between memories.
FELIX:(memory) Weren't you with another freelancer? And an A.I.?
FELIX:(memory) I need a detailed list of the supplies you've got on hand.
FELIX:(memory) You wouldn't happen to have any high-tech armor on board that wreck, would you?
Cut back to the present.
SIMMONS:(confused) But you're supposed to hate each other!
FELIX:Oh, we do. After all, you should never mix friends with business.
LOCUS:(impatient) Wrap it up.
FELIX:But we just work so well together.
Cut to a memory.
FELIX:(memory) Run!
PALOMO:(memory) What about Rogers?
Cut to Locus, who hears Felix over the radio.
FELIX:(memory, voice only) Get down!
Locus dives to the ground as buildings explode. Cut back to present.
SARGE:(furious) You dirty liar!
FELIX:(indignant) Hey, whoa whoa whoa. I never actually lied to you idiots, okay? Well, except for once. (mocking) You're some of the galaxy's greatest soldiers! (huffs) Now that couldn't be farther from the truth. But, you know, it did make you the perfect candidates to lead the people of Chorus.
LOCUS:(impatient) Stop boasting and let me kill them. We have a job to do.
FELIX:(to Blood Gulch Crew) Ooh, that's right, he doesn't like you guys. He actually thinks there might be a few fighters among you. Ha! Told you he's crazy.
WASHINGTON:(furious) But why? Why the capture, why make us part of this war?
FELIX:Well, you see-
LOCUS:(frustrated) Felix!
FELIX:(angry) No! I've had to put up with these morons every day, so you let me have this. (continuing to Washington) You see, someone, somewhere, out in our galaxy, has their eye set on this planet. The only problem, is the inhabitants. Now, if it were up to me, I'd just nuke this place from orbit. But our employer, has other ideas.
Cut to memory of Crash Site Bravo, with Felix on a cliff.
FELIX:Holy shit. It's actually them.
LOCUS:Back off, Control wants them alive.
FELIX:(worried) Oh no.
Cut back to Outpost 37.
FELIX:We have to play this thing carefully, you understand? If an entire planet dies overnight, well, people ask questions. But if you stumble onto this rock and find that the settlers killed each other, well, that's just a tragedy!
Cut to a memory showing Felix and Locus killing leaders of the New Republic.
KIMBALL:(memory) Our first leader was killed in action, the second was assassinated at what we had been told would be a peace treaty. And the third was blown out of the sky while trying to leave Chorus for help.
TUCKER:(accusing) It was you. You started this war!
FELIX:(Buzzer noise) Wronng! These people hated each other way before our operation ever showed up, we just had to keep the hate train a-goin'. And let me tell you, you guys have helped so much.
Cut to carnage from the Battle at Crash Site Bravo and back to the present.
FELIX:(coldly) Does it hurt? Knowing just how much death you've brought to this planet?
LOCUS:(angry) Enough! How many times must I tell you, if you want to make the victim suffer, you do it quickly, and efficiently. There will be no rescue for you. You will die here, today, along with the rest. No one will find your bodies, no one will know the truth, and no one is going to stop us from killing every last person on this planet!
UNKNOWN MERCENARY:All right, that's all I need to hear.
The mercenary drops Tucker's grenade on the ground and leaps off the building in slow motion.
LOCUS:(furious) KILL THEM!
The grenade explodes. The unknown mercenary lands in front of Felix.
FELIX:Who the fuck are you?
Unknown Mercenary fires at Felix with a suppressor. Felix activates his Hardlight Shield, deflecting the shots. The reflected bolts knock the suppressor out of the Mercenary's hands and the weapon lands at Grif's feet. 
GRIF:(panicked) WHAT IS GOING ON?!
WASHINGTON:(yelling) Just grab it and shoot!
The Blood Gulch Crew begin firing wildly, Grif also picking up the supressor and opening fire, gunning down several mercenaries. Dr. Grey runs up and sees the battle.
DR. GREY:(confused) Wash?
Felix and the Unknown Mercenary engage in hand-to-hand combat. Felix is kicked to the ground. 
FELIX:(grunting) You think you're fast?
Felix is knocked down again.
FELIX:(exasperated) Oh, what the fuck?
UNKNOWN MERCENARY:(amused) Faster than you.
FELIX:Let's change that.
Felix stabs the Unknown Mercenary in the leg, causing her to yell in pain. Felix kicks her over at the Blood Gulch Crew.
FELIX:Locus!
Locus steps forward with an Incineration Cannon. The Unknown Mercenary pulls out a Teleportation Cube.
UNKNOWN MERCENARY:Stay close!
DR. GREY:(desperately running towards the Reds and Blues) Wait, stop!
The Unknown mercenary throws the cube at the ground, teleporting her, the Blood Gulch Crew, and Dr. Grey away from the area, just as Locus' shot hits. Felix looks up at Locus.
LOCUS:(fuming) Call Control.
Cut to the Blood Gulch Crew and Dr. Grey appearing in a remote location.
GRIF:(disoriented) Uh... What just happened, and why did it hurt?
DR. GREY:(dazed) Uh... Where am I?
CABOOSE:I think my insides were just outside.
WASHINGTON:(strained) Ugh, is everyone okay?
CAROLINA:(entertained) You know, I never thought I'd be so glad to see you idiots again.
The Unknown Mercenary's steel color fades, revealing it to be Carolina.
TUCKER:Carolina?
EPSILON:That's not all!
Epsilon appears next to Carolina .
EPSILON:(spreads his arms.) Miss me, assholes?
Tucker throws his DMR to the ground.
TUCKER:You fuck!
He charges towards Epsilon, but falls through him and hits the ground.
EPSILON:Huh. (Carolina and Epsilon look at each other.) Wasn't expecting that.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 11: Long Time No See

WEEKS EARLIER...
Open in on the interior of a security room. A mercenary is seen relaxing at his post.
ABANDONED(?) F.A.C. MUNITIONS PLANT
SUDDENLY, THE ROOM'S MOTION DETECTOR SETS OFF:"MOTION DETECTOR SECURITY ROOM," causing the mercenary to look around. However, the room is vacant. As the alarm continues to sound off, the mercenary turns to it and taps it, briefly turning off the alarm. However, the alarm sets off again, prompting the mercenary to look around the room once again. The mercenary then reaches for the alarm, when suddenly, his radio activates, surprising him.
SAM:(surprised) Ahhh!
HQ:(over radio) Come in security. This is headquarters.
SAM:(picks up radio) Jesus. Yeah, copy HQ. You scared the crap out of me Harv.
HQ:(over radio) Sorry Sam. Hey, meant to tell ya, got a maintenance ticket for your console. Day shift says throwing up warnings.
SAM:Yeah, okay. Motion sensor says there's movement in the room but, there's nothing here.
HQ:(over radio) Ah, that's probably an, you know, bad indicator or somethin'. Or maybe it's that super soldier right behind you who's about to knock you out.
Carolina, camouflaged in black armor, appears behind Sam.
SAM:(chuckles) Yeah. (confused) ...What?
Carolina punches Sam, knocking him out. The radio slides across the floor.
EPSILON:(over radio) Probably that last one, just a guess. Sleep tight, Sam.
Carolina picks up the radio and speaks to Epsilon through it.
EPSILON:(over radio) You set off the motion sensor, Carolina? Amateur hour.
CAROLINA:You're supposed to disable the motion sensors?
EPSILON:(over radio) Well, I couldn't do that until I got in the room.
CAROLINA:And I couldn't get you into the room without setting off the motion sensor.
EPSILON:(over radio) Well, you could. You just didn't.
CAROLINA:Can we just get into the database? I need the files.
Epsilon appears on the control panel.
EPSILON:Already in! Give me a drive.
Carolina inserts a storage unit in the panel.
CAROLINA:How long to decrypt it?
EPSILON:Oh, please! Already done!
CAROLINA:Already?
EPSILON:It's a 3-tier lockdown with a 2056-bit encryption key; it ain't rocket science.
CAROLINA:You're getting faster.
EPSILON:Wow... that sounded like a compliment, I will take it.
CAROLINA:How long to transfer?
EPSILON:About 45 seconds.
CAROLINA:And you can't make that go any quicker?
EPSILON:Well, that's the limitation of physical media; don't even get me started on that. Besides, that should give you enough time to deal with the three security personnel who are about to come through the door.
CAROLINA:Wh... which door?
EPSILON:There's only one door... They just set a breaching charge, by the way.
CAROLINA:WHAT?!
EPSILON:Detonates in 3...
CAROLINA:Why didn't you tell me?
EPSILON:2... I just did.
Carolina takes cover behind the table in the middle of the room.
CAROLINA:Epsilon...
Epsilon appears next to Carolina.
EPSILON:1... Oh, you'll be fine!
The breaching charge goes off, blowing up the door, which flies in the room; three security guard are behind it, pointing their rifles at Carolina. Everything starts slowing down, until time seems to freeze. Epsilon looks at the control panel, where a floating HUD shows the time needed for the transfer, going down REALLY slowly.
EPSILON:If 45 seconds was a long time for you, Carolina... Pfft. Imagine what it is to me.
Epsilon turns around and looks at the guards, still "frozen" in time, while he throws away his holographic sniper rifle, which disappears.
EPSILON:Alright. What do we have here?
Epsilon gets close to the guards and examines their weapons.
EPSILON:Well, you boys look well armed. All this for just one girl, huh?
Another HUD pops up, displaying informations about the weapons.
EPSILON:Really? Model 44?
Epsilon-Delta appears next to Epsilon.
EPSILON:Hey, D? Uh, isn't there a high jam probability on those things?
DELTA:The Charon Model 44 sidearm does not jam. You are thinking of the 42.
Three light rays are projected from the rifles, simulating the trajectory of the bullets. Two rays end on Carolina's body, one on her head. Epsilon and Delta turn around to look.
EPSILON:You mean we're thinking of it.
Epsilon disappears.
DELTA:Technically only you are thinking of it. I am just a memory of Delta.
Epsilon reappears next to the wall, observing the situation from the side of the room.
EPSILON:Well, I like to have someone to talk to. I get lonely sometimes.
Delta moves next to Epsilon
DELTA:May I suggest buying a dog?
EPSILON:Yeah... I'll consider it.
Epsilon-Theta appears next to them.
THETA:We're getting a dog?!
EPSILON:No, Theta!
THETA:Awww...
DELTA:The model 44 does use computer-assisted aim. You could overload the processor and reduce accuracy by as much as 45%.
EPSILON:Sounds good! Put the twins on it!
Epsilon's memories of Iota and Eta appear in front of the guards and sabotage the rifles. The HUD shows accuracy decreasing to 49%.
EPSILON:Alright, let's account for that in trajectories.
THETA:Are you talking to me, or to Delta?
DELTA:He's talking to all of us, Theta.
EPSILON:I'm just thinking out loud, guys.
The light rays turn into small cones; Carolina is still in the middle of a great part of the shots.
EPSILON:Alright... No, that's good, but we can do better.
Theta disappears. A blue signal shows the trajectory of the door after the explosion, ending right next to the table. Theta moves next to the signal.
THETA:Oh, oh, look at this! You can use the door as a shield!
EPSILON:Hey, thanks, buddy!
A hologram of the door bounces across the room showing the door landing next to the table and falling to the right. An arrow appears next to Carolina, indicating to move behind it.
EPSILON:Yeah, that's better.
DELTA:Still, blood loss would be-.
EPSILON:G-God, I'm not done yet, Delta. Just give me a second, ok?
DELTA:A second is a long time for someone in our time-base, Church.
EPSILON:(getting frustrated) Just, hey, lis- everybody stop talking to me at once, please!
Epsilon's memory of Omega appears directly in front of him.
OMEGA:Are you getting angry, Epsilon?
EPSILON:No! I'm fine! Beat it!
Epsilon waves his hand through Omega and pushes him away.
OMEGA:I'm here if you need me.
THETA:He's scary.
EPSILON:Hey, he can't do anything as long as we ignore him. Okay, kiddo?
A HUD appears next to Delta, listing the armor upgrades Carolina has managed to retrieve.
DELTA:Might I suggest preparing her healing unit?
EPSILON:Nope, I'm gonna need the power for her escape.
DELTA:Assuming, we make it that far.
EPSILON:D, you are killing me with the negativity. (HUD closes) Why don't you help me out and give me a bio-scan of these losers.
Delta reappears in front of one of the soldiers with a HUD containing bio-scan results.
DELTA:This one has recently had knee surgery.
EPSILON:Thank you! Okay, let's blow the bolts on that maintenance hatch, give him a little bit of a stumble.
The first soldier fires.
DELTA:First shot fired.
EPSILON:Alright, let's wrap this up. Gamma, where are we at?
The memory of Gamma is standing next to the drive bay monitoring the download.
GAMMA:Files still transferring.
Epsilon appears over Carolina's shoulder.
EPSILON:Okay, Carolina. How's your aim?
Delta displays a HUD listing Carolina's projected accuracy as 92%.
DELTA:She hasn't been sleeping well.
THETA:She's been having bad dreams... about the bad guy.
Sigma briefly appears behind Epsilon before vanishing.
EPSILON:No, Theta, she's fine. Don't worry about it.
Delta's HUD lowers Carolina's accuracy to 82%.
EPSILON:Delta! She's! Fine!
DELTA:(restoring her accuracy) This isn't very scientific.
EPSILON:Well, sometimes, you just have to operate on faith.
DELTA:That seems unwise.
Projected paths to take appear overlaid on the room, showing deaths and kill counts.
EPSILON:Yeah, but it is more... (Epsilon selects a path resulting in 3 K.O.s and no kills) ...fun. There, that'll do it.
THETA:She won't like that injury part.
A HUD shows a 94% chance of success with a 63% chance of success without injury.
EPSILON:She never does, but if she lives to complain about it, she still lives. Thanks, guys.
The memories vanish and Epsilon appears in front of Carolina.
EPSILON:Alright, looks like it's just you and me, sis. Transfer analysis to your HUD. Let's do this.
After a bright flash, time resumes at normal speed as the door comes to rest in front of Carolina. An indicator on her HUD shows her to head to her right.
EPSILON:(voice only) Roll right!
Carolina rolls behind the door, as the maintenance hatch opens, causing one soldier to stumble.
SOLDIER ON LEFT:ARGH!
Carolina leaps over the door as she continues to receive fire, shooting the soldier on the right. A bullet hits her in the helmet and leaves her stunned for a second. She grabs the door and throws it at him. She approaches the last soldier, still caught in the maintenance hatch.
SOLDIER:Urrgh, You... BITCH!
Carolina punches the soldier, knocking her out and knocking her helmet off.
CAROLINA:Epsilon. (No response) Church!
EPSILON:(voice only) Yeah, yeah, I'm here. I just lost a few pathways, but I can still hear you. How'd you do?
CAROLINA:Had to improvise at the end, but you got me started.
EPSILON:(voice only) Eh, I had faith.
CAROLINA:Thanks.
Carolina recovers the storage unit from the panel.
CAROLINA:Data's here. Looks like our little scavenger hunt just got easier.
A hologram of a Binary Rifle appears.
CAROLINA:You see this?
EPSILON:(voice only) Yep. Grab a helmet. We'll do some repairs on the way.
Carolina grabs the female soldier's helmet as alarms start going off.
EPSILON:(voice only) Sorry, there's nothing I can do about that in this state. You need to move.
CAROLINA:Already gone.
Carolina activates her Speed Boost and runs out of the room. Cut to a cliff edge overlooking a facility. Carolina is examining the specs on the Binary Rifle.
CAROLINA:Apparently our friends in black aren't just focused on armor enhancements. These weapons are more advanced than anything we've encountered. How are they funding all of this?
The hologram disappears as Epsilon appears.
EPSILON:Well, speak of the devil...
Epsilon pulls a video feed of Locus and Control.
EPSILON:... And he shall appear.
CAROLINA:Another message from Control?
EPSILON:Yep. I picked out a clip you might find interesting. (plays clip)
CONTROL:What did we lose?
LOCUS:A healing unit, as well as several miscellaneous files.
CAROLINA:Sounds like last week's raid made the headlines.
EPSILON:Keep listening. There's something you need to hear.
CONTROL:This is unacceptable, Locus. I thought you told me you only work with reliable partners.
LOCUS:I do. The individual in charge of that outpost has been eliminated. I saw to the matter personally.
CONTROL:I'm not paying you to put bullets through the heads of space pirates. I'm paying you to ensure the acquisition of my property. And when I lose my property, you lose your payment.
A video feed of Felix pops up.
FELIX:If I could interject for a second, you're not just paying to collect the Freelancer tech from the crash.
CAROLINA:Wait. Who is that?
CONTROL:Felix. Straying away from the New Republic to join the conversation for once. To what do we owe the pleasure?
FELIX:Those sim troopers you dumped on us are proving even more of a handful than an asset. If they find where we're keeping Wash, and if Kimball thinks they're ready, I'm not gonna be able to stop them from searching for their leaders. And if they find their leaders, this whole civil war charade's gonna fall apart real quick.
CAROLINA:What?
CONTROL:I can assure you, they will never be ready.
FELIX:That's what I said, but my partner isn't convinced.
CONTROL:We will continue to move Agent Washington's group sporadically and-
LOCUS:Sir, what if they do manage to make contact?
CONTROL:This inquisitive behavior does not suit you Locus. If the Reds and Blues manage to reunite... Kill them.
The conversation cuts out and disappears.
EPSILON:Carolina,we have to go back.
CAROLINA:What the hell is going on on this planet?
EPSILON:We can figure that out along the way. Right now we just need to get back to the guys. If Control has infiltrated both sides of this war -
CAROLINA:I know. Recovering equipment can wait.
EPSILON:Actually, there's one more thing I wanna pick up.
CAROLINA:What?
EPSILON:We're a long way from the guys.
Epsilon pulls the specs on Teleportation Grenades.
EPSILON:So what we need is a shortcut.
Carolina picks up the Mercenary helmet she grabbed as the screen cuts to black.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 12: The Reunion

Fade in to reveal the Blood Gulch Crew and Emily at Carolina and Epsilon's secret hideout. Carolina's Suppressor is seen in the background. Emily is seen using her medical scanner to treat Carolina's thigh wound.
CAROLINA:How bad is it?
PRESENT DAY...
EMILY:Well, fortunately, he missed your femoral artery.
CAROLINA:That's good.
FOREST BASE
EMILY:(stands) No sweetie, you had a knife inside of you. That's the opposite of good.
CAROLINA:Call me "sweetie" again, and there'll be a knife inside of you.
EMILY:Oooooh, you're hostile! I'd love to psychoanalyze you.
CAROLINA:(annoyed) The leg, please!
EMILY:Oh, yes. Be sure not to put any unnatural strain on those muscles. If you reopen the wound, it won't be pretty.
Epsilon appears next to Carolina.
EPSILON:Great. Hey, way to go, Carolina. Taken out by an over-sized steak knife.
CAROLINA:Well maybe if someone had remembered to account for hidden blades...
EPSILON:Hey, I'm an A.I., not a babysitter.
Dr. Grey stands up behind them.
EMILY:Sooooooooo, there's a tiny ghost man here. Anyone care to introduce me?
CABOOSE:Oh that's Church. Yeah, he had to leave for a while but I knew he would come back.
TUCKER:Bullshit, you were totally depressed.
CABOOSE:Pssh, ah what?! No! No, Tucker! You're not remembering that right! No, I would not do something like that. I would not spiral downward into an emotional state of evidence and try to fill the remains with a mechanical pet just because I miss Church! Stupid Tucker.
EMILY:Oh (looks at Carolina) forget you, I wanna analyze him.
WASH:Dr. Grey, this is Agent Carolina. She and I were operatives for Project Freelancer. As for Church, he's an artificial intelligence fragment from the same organization. Codename: Epsilon. And to make a long story short, he kind of used to be leader of blue team before I showed up.
EPSILON:(appearing in front of Wash) And tried to murder us.
WASH:That was a misunderstanding.
EPSILON:I know, I'm just sayin', don't gloss over the good parts.
TUCKER:At least he didn't abandon us.
EMILY:(joyfully) Psychoanalyses for everyone!
DONUT:Oh boy, can I go first? I have got a lot of things crammed inside me!
SARGE:Now hold up just a second. I wanna know what in the name of Benedict Arnold Palmer is going on around here! We've been tricked, we've been backstabbed and we've been quite possibly, bamboozled.
GRIF:Yeah, and whenever that shit starts happening, it typically means you Freelancers had something to do with it.
CAROLINA:Project Freelancer is gone. We all saw to that.
EMILY:'Colorful Space Marines Stop Corruption.' That was the news article Locus brought General Doyle when he suggested we find you. I always thought the title was meant to describe your appearances, but, now I think I get what the writer was going for.
CAROLINA:What I'm saying is that Project Freelancer isn't behind any of this. This is, something else.
TUCKER:Hmm, the plot thickens.
EPSILON:Look, man, after we crashed, Carolina picked up a transmission. A couple of assholes were talking about selling cloaking equipment to another couple of assholes. There was no way we were gonna let that slide. So, she decided to leave, I decided to go with her! Figured you guys would be fine, OK?
TUCKER:(sarcastic) Oh, yeah, totally. We were totally fine, just doing our thing ,hanging out, drinking margaritas, getting captured by evil mercenaries. Grreat time!
EPSILON:Ohh, man, Tucker, I am so sorr-, I mean it, my sincerest apologies, I had no idea that you had turned into such a whiny bitch while I was gone.
Tucker shoots Epsilon, but the bullet passes through his projection. Epsilon appears before Tucker.
EPSILON:And you still haven't grasped the concept of a hologram. Man, you're just having a really tough time today, aren't you, buddy?
SIMMONS:Man, and I thought we had issues.
SARGE:Heh, this is better than any daytime television drama. And that's some quality programming.
DONUT:Maybe Church will turn out to be someone's long-lost brother.
GRIF:I think we've had enough plot twists for one lifetime.
DONUT:And his real name is Horatio!
SARGE:I'd watch it.
WASH:Alright enough. Tucker, there's no way they could have known all of this would happen. Right now we need to focus on the bigger issues at hand. Even if Epsilon is being a prick.
EPSILON:Oh, don't you start too.
CAROLINA:We started investigating. And it didn't take long for us to realise that something was very wrong with this planet. Abandoned cities, Soldiers everywhere. We kept to the shadows and gathered as much intel as we could, and what we found was worse than I had anticipated.
WASH:How so?
CAROLINA:This third faction on Chorus, these space pirates, have managed to acquire Freelancer equipment and are manufacturing more advanced versions of it on a mass scale. Versions that don't require the assistance of an A.I.
SIMMONS:But how is that possible? I thought the UNSC confiscated everything Project Freelancer ever created.
CAROLINA:They did, but then they put those creations on a ship, and that ship crashed here.
TUCKER:Wait, what?
EPSILON:Guys, don't you think it's a little weird that our transport vessel also happen to be carrying tons of weapons and vehicles, and that it just so happened to magically crash on a planet in need of those kind of things.
WASH:What exactly are you suggesting?
CAROLINA:Someone wanted our ship to crash.
Brief pause.
SIMMONS:Soooo, what your saying is, there's no way any of us could be responsible for the crash.
CAROLINA:I..., well..., yes. Why do you ask?
Cut to the UNSC ship, near the maintenance area. Simmons exits maintenance and is approached by a UNSC spaceship operator.
SPACESHIP OPERATOR:Sir, this area is reserved for authorized personnel only. What were you doing in there?
SIMMONS:Oh! Sorry, I just noticed you guys were using a really outdated web browser. I went ahead and updated it for you. Now it's the one NASA uses! Heh, no need to thank me.
SPACESHIP OPERATOR:Those are the ship's navigation systems! You can't just update that stuff!
SIMMONS:Tell me about it! Once I started with the browser, I couldn't stop myself from changing the graphics card too!
SPACESHIP OPERATOR:You WHAT?!
SIMMONS:And the motherboard. And the fan. And- oh hey, by the way! Uh, I'm glad you're here. How do you feel about acrylic window panels?
SPACESHIP OPERATOR:I...
SIMMONS:The answer is, you love 'em.
The ship's alarm goes off. Cut back to the forest base.
WASH, TUCKER, SIMMONS, GRIF, AND SARGE:No reason!
Epsilon appears next to Carolina.
EPSILON:Uh, you guys are missing the point! Someone managed to ensure that Freelancer equipment made it right here; to this tiny rock in the middle of space. These guys aren't just some-just some asshole raiders and mercenaries; they're organized, and they've managed to work their way into our own forces!
CAROLINA:In short, we have no idea who we can trust until we find the people behind all of this.
TUCKER:Okay, hold up, aren't we all forgetting something here?
CABOOSE:Ah! Yesterday was Mother's Day.
TUCKER:There are two armies that are ready to blow each other's brains out thanks to Locus and Felix. We gotta tell them they're being used.
CAROLINA:That's... not going to be easy.
TUCKER:What do you mean? We've got those teleporter cubes. That's how we got here right? Let's just zap ourselves over to the New Republic.
EPSILON:Tucker, we've only got a few of those things left, they're kinda tricky to use, they put an enormous strain on the physical body, which, by the way, all of you have. That's not even the main problem though.
CAROLINA:Those two mercenaries are thorough. They've got some sort of radio jammer set up that only allow broadcasting on certain frequencies, and they monitor all other open channels.
Fade to a flashback of Locus arriving at the forest base. He approaches a radio set up nearby.
CAROLINA:(voice over) We tried to contact you when we overheard your radio transmission to Donut from the crash site. Not only did we fail, but Locus managed to trace the call back to this hideout. We were lucky he missed us and I doubt we'll have luck on our side again.
Carolina and Epsilon spot Locus near the radio and quickly flee. Fade back to the present.
EPSILON:Yeah, and if they've gone through all this trouble to keep their radios quiet, I can guarantee you they're not gonna let you guys within a mile of Doyle or Kimball. If they're not already by their side, then their cloaked space buddies definitely are.
CAROLINA:We need more intel. We need the upper hand on these guys before we can even think about taking them on again. And to make matters worse, we don't have much time.
SARGE:What makes you say that?
CAROLINA:We've managed to eavesdrop on a few conversations between the mercenaries and someone calling themselves "Control." They've got plans and protocols for just about everything. And I'm willing to bet they've got one for this.
TUCKER:Meaning?
Epsilon appears in front of Tucker
EPSILON:Look at it this way: eleven people on this planet know what's really going on, and until those eleven people are tracked down and killed, I'm talking about you guys, by the way, there's really only one thing these space pirates can do; And that's to finish what they started.
Fade to the inside of a compound, where a dead Federal soldier is seen laying against a wall. Felix throws a knife through the Federal soldier's visor. Felix is then seen pacing back and forth behind Locus.
FELIX:(pacing back and forth) Oh, ooohhh, wonderful. Duped by a Freelancer posing as one of our own men. Can you TASTE the irony in that!?
LOCUS:If you've kept your ego under control, they'd be dead by now.
FELIX:Okay, no, we don't have the facts to prove that, alright? So let's not, y'know, start throwin' blame out, or anything, okay, please? Thank you. You're welcome.
LOCUS:Stop talking.
Control begins to speak to Locus and Felix.
CONTROL:(voice over) Gentlemen. Though I'm inclined to further chastise you for your most recent failure, I suggest we focus on the opportunity at hand.
FELIX:And exactly which opportunity is that?
CONTROL:The Reds and Blues are missing.
LOCUS:It won't be long before my scout team finds them.
CONTROL:Perhaps. But all that truly matters is that you prevent them from making contact with their armies.
FELIX:We got snipers shadowing the generals as we speak.
CONTROL:Marvelous. Then you are to report back to your respective armies, and report the deaths of the Reds and Blues. They will become the martyrs needed to push these people towards one, final confrontation. Do i make myself clear?
Fade to Locus and Felix informing Doyle and Kimball, respectively, of the Reds' and Blues' "deaths." At the New Republic, Felix notices Jensen, Smith, Bitters, and Palomo, expressing their distraught. Palomo covers his visor with his hand, Bitters walks off and beats his fists into the air in anger, Jensen lowers her head in grief, which Smith notices. He consoles her as she breaks down on his shoulder. Fade back to the dead Fed at the compound. Felix pulls his knife out of the Fed's visor.
FELIX:Crystal.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 13: Catch Up, No Mustard

Fade in to the forest base. The Reds and Blues surround Grif, who is aiming his Suppressor at them.
CAROLINA:Grif,... we just want to look at it.
GRIF:That's what the UNSC guys said about the "Grif Shot," and I never saw it again!
CAROLINA:(confused) The what?
SIMMONS:Meta's weapon. Grif kept it as a trophy until the UNSC confiscated it.
DONUT:Until then, I thought I was the only one man enough around here to cry, but Grif proved me wrong.
TUCKER:Ha!
GRIF:(lowers Suppressor) It had sentimental value!
SARGE:Damn it Grif! Hand over that laser this instant!
GRIF:You can't tell me what to do! I outrank you, again!
SARGE:What th- bur- Well... (loads Shotgun) Let's see you outrank the end of my shotgun!
GRIF:Uh, done. (raises Suppressor) Fucking space laser, bitch.
EPSILON:(appears next to Carolina) Yeah, this is taking forever.
Epsilon switches to his 'ghost' form and possesses Grif
GRIF:Hey! Hey wait a minute-- Hurk-egh!
EPSILON:(possessing Grif) Hoo! Ugh... Okay, alright here you go. (drops Suppressor)
CAROLINA:Thanks. (picks up Suppressor) Ugh... Why is this so greasy?
EPSILON:You think that's bad? Imagine how I feel right now. Being inside this body is like trying to breathe through a trash can.
Epsilon exits Grif's body
GRIF:He-gurk-gah... God damn it! I hate that!
EMILY:(excited) FASCINATING! An A.I. with the ability to jump from soldier to soldier!? (to Carolina) Tell me, does he travel via your neural implants or is it something more subtle?
CAROLINA:Implants. All Freelancer personnel have them.
TUCKER:I thought only the Alpha could do that.
EPSILON:Yeah, Just another trick I picked up from one of my... (starts flickering) old memory... buddies. God, it gives me a headache though...
CAROLINA:C'mon, let's dismantle this thing and see what we can learn.
GRIF:Hey- look- but-
CAROLINA:When we're done, you can have it back in one piece... probably.
SIMMONS:(excited) Ooh! Ooh! You mind If I tag along?
SARGE:Yeah! Advanced weaponry is my fifth favorite hobby! Right behind destroying my enemies, but just ahead of karaoke!
CAROLINA:No... thanks, uh... I think Epsilon and I have it handled. Why don't you catch up for a while? You've all been through a lot. (walks off)
EPSILON:Yeah, I'd stick around for the reunion but uh... some of you guys still seem pretty pissed at me so... I'm just gonna wait for that to settle... (disappears)
DONUT:Sooo... How have you guys been?
GRIF:Shut up.
DONUT:Same old, same old, huh? That's cool.
EMILY:Well... I don't want to intrude on such a sweet moment of reconnection...
WASHINGTON:Fine with me.
EMILY:I was being polite, I'm actually far more interested in foreign technology. Bye! (runs off)
CABOOSE:Okay bye! ...She seems nice.
DONUT:Right?
SIMMONS:I think she has a few screws loose...
TUCKER:Oh-ho I could always help her out with that. Bow-chicka-bow-
CABOOSE:WAIT!
TUCKER:Aw c'mon dude, it's been ages!
CABOOSE:Washington! I-I almost forgot! Uh-uh-uh... Where's Freckles? Uh, he probably had some screws loose also.
SARGE:Ohhh... Y'know what? I think I'm just gonna go take a peek at that laser thing after all. I'm just dying to see it... (Simmons and Lopez look at him) Uh... I mean it's killin' me not to- Uh... Oh... (pauses to think) Nope. Got nothin'.
Sarge runs off.
SIMMONS:Yeeaahh...
Simmons and Grif run off.
LOPEZ:Suave. 
CAPTION:Smooth.
Lopez runs off. Washington looks at Tucker. The latter walks off.
CABOOSE:Yeah, this is great. Church is back, you're back, it's like all of us made it back safe and sound in one piece! No problem.
WASHINGTON:Ehh, Caboose...
CABOOSE:Alive!
WASHINGTON:Caboose, uh... I'm not really sure how to tell you this... without both confusing you and breaking your disturbingly fragile heart.
CABOOSE:I AM AN EMOTIONAL TIME BOMB!
WASHINGTON:Jesus Christ... (clears throat) Caboose, I'm afraid this... is all that's left of Freckles. (shows Caboose Freckles' storage unit) It's his brain... sort of.
CABOOSE:(stares at the storage chip) Freckles? You're- you're- (joyfully) you're so tiny now!
Caboose grabs Freckles' storage unit out of Wash's hand and joyfully points it to the sky.
WASHINGTON:(confused) Uh, what?
CABOOSE:(fondles the storage unit) It's so good to see you again! (pets the storage unit) Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy, Freckles?
WASHINGTON:So you're... okay then?
CABOOSE:Ah, Wash this is great! Now he can fit in my pocket and I don't have to worry about him trying to kill anyone anymore.
WASHINGTON:I guess that is sort of better.
CABOOSE:Thanks for looking out for Freckles, Wash. I know he can be a handful.
WASHINGTON:Literally, at this point.
CABOOSE:Alright, let's go for a walk Freckles, (quietly) 'cause Wash is acting weird and dramatic again. (runs off) Good to have ya' back, Agent Washington!
WASHINGTON:Hmm. It's good to be back.
GRIF:(off screen) Back off lady, or I will put you in the ground!
WASHINGTON:Aaand, the moment's passed.
Cut to Grif aiming his Suppressor at Carolina. Emily and the Reds and Blues watch nearby.
GRIF:(angrily) You were about to take it apart!
CAROLINA:(frustrated) What did you think "dismantle" meant?
Wash approaches Simmons and Lopez.
WASHINGTON:How did he manage to get the laser back?
SIMMONS:He's deceptively heavy.
LOPEZ:Pues, el ya parece gordo. O sea es mucho decir.
CAPTION:Well, he already looks fat. So that's saying something.
CAROLINA:Grif, for the last time, put the laser-
Grif fires at Carolina, prompting her to duck. Grif lowers his Suppressor
GRIF:(nervously) Uh, okay. Look that was an accident.
CAROLINA:I'm going to break your fingers now.
Grif sprints backward on fear.
GRIF:Uhh!!
EMILY:Excuse me.
Everyone turns to Emily.
EMILY:(to Grif) Where did you find that rifle?
GRIF:Hey, I picked it up after Carolina dropped it at the snow base. (to Carolina) Are you even familiar with the "international dibs protocol?"
CAROLINA:(to Emily) The pirates have been manufacturing these along with the armor enhancements. They got facilities scattered around the planet.
EMILY:So then your sure it's man made.
Emily approaches Grif. Epsilon appears beside Carolina
EPSILON:Yeah, I'm positive. Why?
EMILY:Well, for starters, it isn't using human technology. It just fired some kind of modified plasma energy. Very deadly. And pretty!
Emily crouches down.
SARGE:Plasma?
EMILY:Alien energy source. I've seen it countless times in archaeological digs.
SIMMONS:Wait, I thought you were a surgeon?
Emily stands.
EMILY:I have an IQ of 240. A prodigy can only cut people open so many times before she needs to find a hobby.
Epsilon appears before Emily.
EPSILON:Jesus. Couldn't try cross stitching?
EMILY:I sewed them back up, thank you very much.
TUCKER:Hey, didn't Felix say that he was paid in alien tech?
CABOOSE:I believe he said he was paid in babies.
EPSILON:The fuck?
GRIF:Don't ask.
SIMMONS:He was definitely carrying around an old plasma rifle. But I thought he said it was broken.
EMILY:It's likely it was. The Federal Army arranged a similar deal with Locus. They figured trading useless antiques for military assistance was a good deal.
CAROLINA:So the mercs stock up on alien technology and hand it over to the pirates for reverse engineering.
WASHINGTON:Giving them a new kind of weapon. Half human, half alien.
EPSILON:And every single one of them pointed at us. ...Fantastic.
EMILY:Do you have anything else like this?
GRIF:What about the future cubes?
CAROLINA:The what?
Cut to three teleportation grenades set up on a table. The Blood Gulch Crew and Emily gather around them.
DONUT:Future cubes! The cubes of the future!
GRIF:They look kinda like the laser gun, right?
SIMMONS:That's your deductive reasoning? They're related because they're both orange and glowy.
GRIF:So.
SIMMONS:So?! If I heated your armor to a thousand degrees, would you think your related too?
DONUT:Fahrenheit or Celsius?
GRIF:Oh come on, there's clearly a resemblance!
SARGE:(sarcastically) Oh, of course. Just like the uncanny resemblance between apples and fire trucks, or Caboose and the Pacific Ocean, or Lopez and a dingleberry!
GRIF:Okay, I get it.
EPSILON:Hey Grif, let me ask you a question, you ever get your sister confused with mustard? You know, since they're both yellow and cheap?
Grif fires at Epsilon, the blasts pass right through his holographic projection.
EPSILON:Yeah, nice try. Still a hologram by the way.
CAROLINA:Epsilon, he's right.
EPSILON:Yeah, I know, I just wanted in on the action!
CAROLINA:Both types of equipment seem to utilize some form of alien engineering. (to Grif) But... how did you know how the teleporters look like?
GRIF:'Cause we had them in the canyon, duh.
EPSILON:Wait, you did?
DONUT:Yeah! They were awesome!
SARGE:We found them while we were sneaking aboard the ship one night in an attempt to destroy the Blues.
Wash, Tucker, and Caboose turn to Sarge. He notices.
SARGE:I mean, the Blues' robot. May he rest in peace.
GRIF:(to Carolina and Epsilon) Which reminds me, how did you guys teleport with those things? We could only figure out how to transport random junk.
LOPEZ:Y Doc. Usted accidentalmente teletransportó a Doc. 
CAPTION:And Doc. You accidentally teleported Doc.
DONUT:Oh my gosh, that's right! We did use them to defeat Dos.0!
LOPEZ:Oh, por el amor de Dios...
CAPTION:Oh, for fuck's sake...
EPSILON:Okay! Everbody, shut up! Listen, if the same people making weapons on Chorus had cargo on our ship, then we might be able to find out who they are.
SIMMONS:How?
CAROLINA:A manifest?
EPSILON:Yyyyep.
WASHINGTON:That's right. A transport ship that size would need to keep track of all its cargo.
CAROLINA:So if we find the manifest, we find out who supplied the teleportation grenades.
TUCKER:(skeptical) So you think a bunch of evil bad guys, working outside of the law, are gonna worry about paperwork?
EPSILON:Wha- you got any better ideas?
TUCKER:(sighs) No...
CAROLINA:Then we have our objective: Half of us will travel back to the canyon and search Crash Site Bravo for the manifest.
SIMMONS:Why split up?
CAROLINA:Because the rest of us will be searching the other half of the ship... at Crash Site Alpha.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 14: Crash Site Crashers

Fade in to the algae lake at the New Republic Headquarters. Kimball is seen staring at the lake. Felix approaches her.
KIMBALL:What do you want?
FELIX:Just wanted to see how you were doing.
KIMBALL:"How am I doing?" How do you think I'm doing?! I put all of our hope into the hands of a bunch of strangers and they run off and get themselves killed!
FELIX:It was a leap of faith. Sometimes you fall.
KIMBALL:Well, we're falling fast. ...I believed in them.
FELIX:And they believed in us.
KIMBALL:(angrily) What are you talking about? THEY LEFT US!
FELIX:Kimball, they accomplished their mission. They actually managed to rescue their friends, and they were going to come back - I saw it myself. They wanted to end this war. They wanted peace for Chorus.
KIMBALL:Well, what good does that do us now?
FELIX:Plenty.
Kimball turns to face Felix.
FELIX:If you go back up there, and you tell those men that their heroes died fighting for them, then you can turn this tragedy into something more. Turn it into fuel for one last fire.
KIMBALL:Felix, they're mourning.
FELIX:When they should be fighting! Vanessa, how many people have we lost at this point? Do you think it'd even count? The only thing different about these soldiers is that they inspired us. And I'm telling you, they can still inspire us even though they're gone. ...I was waiting to tell you, I recovered some data from the compound. The Feds are all gathering in the capital this week, and I mean all of them. Some sort of rally or something, I don't have all the details, but it sounds like they're getting ready for one last push. I guess without the Reds and Blues they think they can finally put an end to us. But I think we need to hit them first.
KIMBALL:You want to storm Armonia? That's insane.
FELIX:I want all of us to do it! Think about it: One mission that could end everything. We may never have another chance at this.
KIMBALL:(sadly) I told Tucker the same thing...
FELIX:You've got an army up there that wants to avenge their heroes! I say it's time you let them.
KIMBALL:(sighs) Okay. Okay-okay, this could work. No, it will work! It has to.
FELIX:Now there's the leader I know. Never give up, right?
KIMBALL:Right! (walks forward) Transfer that data to my personal computer. Then let's get a meeting together in the war room.
FELIX:You got it boss!
KIMBALL:And Felix... thank you. For everything.
FELIX:I'm just doing my job.
Cut to the Blood Gulch Crew lined up at the forest base. The Blues are lined up on the left and the Reds are lined up on the right.
CAROLINA:Alright, each team has two teleportation grenades. One to transport you there and want to get you back. First priority is obtaining the manifest, but, while we're in, we should also search for additional supplies. Teleporters, weaponry, anything that could help. (to the Reds) I don't expect there to be a hostile presence at Bravo, but becareful nonetheless.
SARGE:Don't get shot, got it.
CAROLINA:Alpha's another story. We've acquired its coordinates for teleportation, but never actually investigated the area. From what we've gathered it's a massive hotspot for pirate activity. I'd understand if you don't want to join us.
WASH:Given the situation, I'd say you need all the help you can get. Count us in.
CABOOSE:Yeah, pretty sure Church would be disappointed if I didn't come also, sooo...
CAROLINA:Dr. Grey, you stay here and keep an eye on things while we're gone.
GREY:Wonderful! I'll prepare a meal out of the surrounding fungi and vegetation for your return!
WASH:Please don't.
TUCKER:See you when we get back?
SIMMONS:Just don't get captured. The last thing we need is another fucking rescue mission!
GRIF:Amen.
Epsilon appears next to Carolina
EPSILON:Okay people, the mission starts now.
The teams teleport away. Cut to Carolina at a wasteland.
CAROLINA:Epsilon?
Epsilon appears next to Carolina.
EPSILON:Motion tracker says we're clear.
CAROLINA:Clear?
EPSILON:What, did I stutter?
CAROLINA:And you're sure we're in the right place?
WASH:(off screen) Carolina?!
Cut to Blue team starting out into the horizon. Carolina joins them.
WASH:I think we're in the right place.
CRASH SITE ALPHA
The camera pans back to reveal the Blues and Carolina staring at a large, alien-like, laser structure. Cut to Grif, Simmons and Lopez in front of Red base at Crash Site Bravo.
GRIF:I remembered it being bigger.
JUNGLE CANYON, "CRASH SITE BRAVO"
SIMMONS:No way, this place was always cramped. I couldn't walk two feet without stepping in your garbage!
DONUT:(over radio) Oh come on guys, it's not the size that matters, it's how you use it!
LOPEZ:Como alguien que fue una vez una cabeza cortada, les puedo asegurar que este lugar fue siempre un montón de mierda, sin importar el tamaño que sean.
CAPTION:As someone who was once a severed head, I can assure you this place was always a pile of shit no matter what size you are.
SARGE:(over radio) Hey knuckleheads, get your asses off memory lane and get back to looking for supplies!
Cut to Sarge and Donut inside the crashed ship
SARGE:Me and Princess bubblegum have got an entire ship to search! So far we ain't found didley squat! The least you can do is quit jamming up the radio with your darn pillow talk!
Cut back to Grif and Simmons
SARGE:(over radio) You got that?
GRIF:Technically sir, you only have half a ship to search.
SARGE:(over radio) Why you good for nothing, little-
Transmission gets cut off
SIMMONS:Nice.
GRIF:You know Simmons, I can't help but notice a severe lack of ass kissing ever since we found Sarge.
SIMMONS:Uh well, we've all been busy with the genocide prevention thing. You know how it goes.
LOPEZ:Jesús, a ustedes en verdad les gusta la conversación de alcoba. Me voy de aquí.
CAPTION:Jesus, you guys really do pillow talk. I'm out of here.
Lopez walks away
GRIF:I don't know man, maybe being in charge of those rebel guys rubbed off on you.
DONUT:(over radio) Hey, Donut again. I think you accidentally muted Sarge, but I couldn't help but overhear about what you just said about guys rubbing off-
Transmission gets cut off
SIMMONS:What do you mean? We were terrible leaders.
GRIF:Well yeah. But you gotta admit, they did make you feel pretty important.
SIMMONS:Yeah, I guess...
GRIF:Hey, where's Lopez?
SIMMONS:I don't know. Probably off doing the actual mission or something?
LOPEZ:(shouting) ¡Oigan chicos! ¡Encontré el cuerpo gigante de Dos.0! ¡Pero qué idiota!
CAPTION:Hey guys! I found Dos.0's giant body! What an asshole!
Cut back to Crash Site Alpha. The Blues walk across the wasteland.
TUCKER:This is bullshit! They've got armor enhancements, they've got laser guns and now, they've got giant space dicks shooting loads of energy out of the ground?! The fuck is that about?
CAROLINA:If you don't keep your voice down, we'll never find out.
TUCKER:Whatever, Church said the place was deserted.
WASH:Still, it gives me the creeps.
The Blues turn to see a crashed alien ship.
WASH:And I'm starting to think we might have not been the only ones to crash on this planet.
TUCKER:Oh, what was your first clue?
CABOOSE:Mine was the spaceship.
CAROLINA:(shouting) Over here!
Cut to the Blues inside of the crashed ship.
CAROLINA:Think this will work?
EPSILON:Well, it's still online, so there's that at least. Infrastructure's a mess though it's... oh damn, hold on a second.
Epsilon disappears.
TUCKER:Seriously? Church couldn't find the zoom on the sniper rifle. What makes you think he can plug in and find-
Epsilon reappears.
EPSILON:Alright, got it. Sorry Tucker, what were you saying?
TUCKER:Don't be a showoff.
A teleportation sound is heard from outside.
WASH:What was that?
EPSILON:Uh oh. Four hostiles just popped up on radar.
CAROLINA:How close?
EPSILON:Not very. If we keep quiet we should-
Another teleportation sound is heard.
EPSILON:Right, fuck that! Okay, give me a drive. Now!
TUCKER:What's happening?
CAROLINA:It's in.
EPSILON:Transferring data.
TUCKER:Dude!
EPSILON:Yeah, uh, how do I say this? Ahem. They know we're here and they're coming to kill us.
CABOOSE:Yeah, one of those days, am I right? Am I right guys? It's one of those days because you know it's, it's pretty much the worst.
Cut to outside the ship, where multiple mercenaries are seen arriving at the crash site and approaching the crashed ship. Cut back to inside the ship.
TUCKER:How'd they find us?
CAROLINA:I don't know!
WASH:How much time left on that transfer?
EPSILON:Hard to say, this computer is beyond fucked. I'm doing what I can.
CAROLINA:Don't worry, we can wait.
TUCKER:We can?
EPSILON:Watch your right!
Two mercenaries uncloak and open fire on the group. Carolina kills them both.
TUCKER:Dude, we gotta go!
EPSILON:Hold them off for a few more seconds!
Two more mercenaries run up from behind.
WASH:Behind us!
The two mercs activate their hardlight shields. Wash shoots them but his shots are deflected
CABOOSE:Ah come, come on that's just cheating!
TUCKER:Church!
EPSILON:Hold on!
Wash continues shooting at the mercs as they get closer.
TUCKER:Man, fuck this!
CAROLINA:Wait!
Tucker grabs the flash drive.
EPSILON:Tucker!
TUCKER:Get us out of here!
CAROLINA:(frustrated) Ugh, damn it!
Carolina pulls out a teleportation grenade and tosses it towards the ground, teleporting them away. Cut back to the forest hideout.
GREY:So, how'd it go?
EPSILON:(to Tucker) YOU FUCKING JACKASS!!
CAROLINA:Church.
TUCKER:(to Epsilon) Me? We were sitting ducks out there!
WASH:Tucker.
EPSILON:Wha- bu- WE ALMOST HAD IT! We only needed a few more seconds!
TUCKER:You don't know that!
EPSILON:What the f- YES I DO! News flash! I was there and by the way, I'm made out of numbers! Why can't you just trust me?!
The Reds suddenly appear at the base, having teleported back.
SARGE:One manifest, hot and ready to go! (chuckles) No need to thank us.
The others stare at the Reds.
SARGE:But don't let that discourage you if you want to.
EPSILON:At least the Reds managed to bring something back. All we got was- Wait! Caboose!
A cloaked mercenary sneaks up behind Caboose.
CABOOSE:Hey! That's me!
The merc uncloaks, grabs caboose, and prepares to stab him.
CABOOSE:(alarmed) OH MY GOD!
Carolina uses her Speed Boost and punches the merc. The two then fall to the ground.
CAROLINA:Uh...
WASH:Where the hell did he come from?
Epsilon appears.
EPSILON:He must have teleported back with us.
CABOOSE:My life just flashed before my eyes! It was awesome! Ah, let's do that again!
CAROLINA:(in pain) Uh, my leg!
Dr. Grey runs to Carolina's aid.
GREY:Outta the way, doctor coming through!
EPSILON:Damn it!
Epsilon disappears. The camera pans in on Tucker as he watches on.
GREY:Oh! Well that is a lot of blood!
WASH:Someone restrain this guy!
DONUT:I've got just the handcuffs for the job! I've been saving them for a special occasion!


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 15: Crash Site Crashers

Fade in to the forest base. Tucker is seen alone. Wash approaches him.
WASH:Well, Carolina's patched up again. Grey really hounded her on the "no more super speed" thing. You know, I don't think I've ever seen a civilian lecture a Freelancer like that before. It was... pretty entertaining, actually.
TUCKER:Hey Wash, uh, you got a sec?
WASH:I swear to god, if you want me to look at another rash, I'm gonna hit you.
TUCKER:No, it's just... it feels like every choice I make is the worst.
WASH:Oh holy shit, you're being serious.
TUCKER:Back at the canyon, you told me to try to be better, and ever since then, that's all people keep telling me! "Try this," "try that." Well I'm fucking trying, and so far all that happens is that I either get people killed or I ruin the mission! I mean, how are you supposed to know if you're making the right call?
WASH:Well... you don't. There's never really a right or wrong answer. You just have to stick with what you think is best.
TUCKER:But what if what I think it's best totally sucks?
WASH:Then you learn from it and you try again.
TUCKER:Oh my god. It's like you people are a fucking loop.
WASH:Tucker, I know you're frustrated but you have to realize that making mistakes is just part of the deal. Even with everything you've screwed up, look at how far you made it. You're not the same person you were back at Blood Gulch.
TUCKER:…Is it bad that I kinda wish I was?
WASH:Yes! You were a terrible excuse for a human being.
TUCKER:Hey!
WASH:I'm kidding.
TUCKER:Fuck you, dude! I'm over here spilling my guts and shit, and you're cracking jokes?! That's messed up!
WASH:Now who's melodramatic?
TUCKER:Man, I should've just left your ass with the Feds.
Simmons approaches the two.
SIMMONS:Hey Wash, can we borrow you for a second?
WASH:Everything okay?
SIMMONS:Ever since that pirate guy regained consciousness, Carolinas been trying to get info out of him... but so far nothing is working.
WASH:So you need help with the interrogation?
SIMMONS:Actually... We were hoping you could calm down Carolina.
A gunshot is heard in the background and noise of broken glass.
CAROLINA:(offscreen screaming) Why won't he talk?!
SIMMONS:She's a liiittle frustrated.
Cut to Red Team and Caboose standing in a clearing. Epsilon appears a few meters away but gets a crate thrown through him. He reappears next to Sarge who was watching
EPSILON:Well she definitely takes after her mother.
SARGE:Was her mother some sort of silverback gorilla on steroids?
EPSILON:Yeah you better be happy her mother is not around to hear you say that!
Wash, Tucker, Grif and Simmons walk next to them
WASH:How's it going?
GRIF:Oh you know.. terrible.
TUCKER:You still got the manifest?
EPSILON:Yes actually, no thanks to you. The Reds did manage to bring back a completely intact drive with the ship's records and manifest.
SIMMONS:Yeah you know, suck it, Blue.
EPSILON:And thanks to the Reds, those documents are currently locked!
SIMMONS:Oh... wait, yeah.
WASH:What?
EPSILON:Yes apparently they accessed the ship's records the last time they were on board, but since they didn't have the proper clearance, the files are now in security lockdown.
TUCKER:Aren't you like part of the Matrix now,? Why don't you just hack it?
EPSILON:Oh, why don't I just hack it? Oh while I'm at it, why don't I just download the mainframe and cross reference the data base, huh? Don't talk to me about technical shit. This is hard, okay? It's just making me a little...
DONUT:Frustrated?
EPSILON:I was gonna say completely filled with rage, but yeah, frustrated.
Carolina walks over to the group.
CAROLINA:Talking about me?
EPSILON:Actually, no.
CAROLINA:I don't get it. He's not giving up anything
Dr. Grey walks over to the group.
DR. GREY:Excuse me, I've been washing your blood of my armor so I'm a little late to the conversation. Did you say the prisoner is awake?
GRIF:For now, but I've got five bucks that says Carolina rips his spine out within the hour.
SIMMONS:I'll take those odds.
DR. GREY:I see. If you don't mind, do you think I could have a few minutes alone with him?
SARGE:Ha, you gonna give him a band aid for every beating he gets?
DR. GREY:Well if you recall, he and his partners turned every one of my friends at outpost 37 into piles of ash. Anyone sick enough to do something like that would almost certainly benefit from a uh...checkup.
Sarge and Carolina look at each other in confusion. Cut to Dr. Grey and the Pirate inside the base.
PIRATE:(taunting) Oo, Whats the matter? Did the big bad freelancer get all tuckered out?
DR. GREY:Do you know where we are?
PIRATE:Huh?
DR. GREY:This is a remote research facility designed to study the surrounding wildlife. I volunteered at one just like it at grad school. Its got a laboratory, an incinerator and oodles of state of the art surgical equipment. Would you like to see them?
Cut to the Reds and Blues standing outside the base whilst listening to the tortured screams of the pirate, various equipment noises and Dr. Grey's cheerfully singing opera.
SIMMONS:(nervously) Sarge... I'm scared.
SARGE:Simmons, we're all scared. ...except for me.
The noises stop and Dr. Grey emerges from the base.
DR. GREY:(cheerfully) His name's Zachary Miller, he's ex-military, and he was kind enough to hand over the coordinates to a nearby radio jamming tower.
CAROLINA:You're kidding.
DR. GREY:No silly, I'm Doctor Grey! Ha! Dad joke.
CAROLINA:Alright, think hes in a position to answer a few more questions?
DR. GREY:Oh absolutely! (lowers voice) Lemme just go put him back together...
Dr. Grey runs of screen into the base. Cut to Caboose and Tucker.
TUCKER:Caboose?
CABOOSE:Yes.
TUCKER:Don't ever stick your dick in crazy.
CABOOSE:I have no idea what that means.
TUCKER:I know.
Cut to Dr. Grey, Carolina and Wash inside the base with Zachary.
DR. GREY:You'll find his belongings on the crate over there and that his tone is much more positive. (lowers voice and gets up in Zachary's face) Isn't that right Zachary?
ZACHARY:For the love of God, get this psychopath away from me!
DR. GREY:He's all yours!
Dr. Grey leaves the room.
EPSILON:Hey Carolina, I'm gonna go dark for a little bit, focus on this manifest. You got this?
CAROLINA:(laughs) Oh yeah. The radio jammers. Talk.
ZACHARY:I already told your friend about the nearest one okay?
CAROLINA:I want to know about all of them.
ZACHARY:I don't know all of them! I swear! Look, if you take out the jammer at the coast, you'll at least be able to make contact with the capitol. That helps right? Now will you let me go?
WASHINGTON:There seems to be a misunderstanding. Your options are either A, staying here forever or B, the incinerator directly behind you.
ZACHARY:H-ha, uh, good point. Well what else do you want?
CAROLINA:The giant tower at crash site Alpha. What is it doing?
ZACHARY:What? The tractor beams? Thats why your ship crashed here in the first place. They're some of the only alien relics we've managed to activate. Ships come by, we pull them down and then kill everyone aboard. After that, the mercs sell the supplies to the armies. Would have worked on you too but something went wrong. It was like the ship tried to jump to slip-space, change course and power down all at the same time. It didn't make any sense. Instead of pulling you down, the ship got ripped apart.
WASHINGTON:...I'm...gonna go ahead and claim partial responsibility for that.
CAROLINA:How many of you are there on Chorus?
ZACHARY:Ha uh, enough to get the job done.
CAROLINA:Give me numbers or I give you back to the Doctor.
ZACHARY:Wow, lets not get hasty. Ah, theres a few dozen of us, alright?
WASHINGTON:A few dozen?
ZACHARY:Quality over quantity. You freelancers should know something about that. I worked for the mercs on another job along time ago. Guess I did good cause they came back, and they had the offer of a lifetime.
WASHINGTON:Wiping out an entire planet?
ZACHARY:You call it genocide, I call it one hell of a pay check.
CAROLINA:And who exactly is paying for all of this.
ZACHARY:Beats me. The client sends us supplies and scientists to run the weapons manufacturing, but Locus and Felix are the only ones that talk with them. We'll get the occasional direct order if things are getting dicey but other than that, we're kept in the dark. I can tell you this though, who ever it is, has invested a lot of time and a lot of money into this project. If you think they're just gonna sit back and let you throw it all away, (laughing) then you've got another thing comi-
Zachary is hit by a sniper and incinerates into ash.
CAROLINA:Damn it!
Carolina looks over to see a soldier standing on a large bolder behind them. Washington and Carolina begin to shoot at the soldier, killing him.
WASHINGTON:Again?!
CAROLINA:Epsilon!
EPSILON:I'm here. Uh there's three more closing in on the guys.
WASHINGTON:(over radio) Tucker, Sarge, more pirates incoming.
SARGE:(over radio) What? Men, battle stations!
WASHINGTON:(over radio) Get to the lab as soon as you can! We can hold them off from here!
TUCKER:(over radio) Got it!
EPSILON:We've got more hostiles inbound.
CAROLINA:What?!
The Reds, Blues, and Emily charge into the lab shouting indistinctly.
TUCKER:What the hell's going on?!
EPSILON:We're being surrounded!
CAROLINA:How do they keep finding us?!
EPSILON:I don't know. What is it, is there an informant? A tracking device?
Wash lowers his rifle, and remembers Locus handing him Freckles' storage unit from before. Dissolve to a flashback of Locus handing Washington Freckles' storage unit.
WASHINGTON:(flashback) Is this supposed to be some sort of apology?
LOCUS:(flashback) Is it?
Dissolve back to the present time. Wash turns to Caboose.
WASHINGTON:Oh no...
Wash notices Zach's two teleportation grenades behind him.
EPSILON:Everyone get ready!
Sarge cocks his shotgun and runs outside.
SARGE:Today is a good day to-
A teleportation grenade explodes and the group is teleported to the desert refueling station.
SARGE:-sit down for a minute and just have a rest, cause' think I'm gonna throw up.
SIMMONS:Ugh, we're back at the gas station?
DONUT:Good! I think I need a bathroom.
GRIF:I would not recommend it.
TUCKER:(coughing) How did we get here?
WASHINGTON:It's Freckles. Freckles is the tracking device.
Camera focuses on Caboose. Cut to black.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 16: Out of the Frying Pan

Fade in to Armonia with a Suspension railway moving along its tracks.
ARMONIA, CAPITAL CITY OF CHORUS
Cut to General Doyle walking towards an intercom.
DOYLE:(clears throat)
Three members of the Federal army are talking to each other when they hear Doyle over the intercom.
DOYLE:Men, may I have your attention please?
Cut to Kimball speaking to the rebels over an intercom.
KIMBALL:Alright everyone, listen up. Today's the day.
The scene cuts back and forth between Doyle and Kimball, speaking to their respective armies.
DOYLE:Today is the day we defend this once great city from those who wish to take it for themselves.
KIMBALL:You all know your roles. Squads will split up and surround the capital, then we sneak in and hit them from all sides.
DOYLE:Once the enemy has entered the city, the exits will be sealed and any hope of retreat will be dashed.
KIMBALL:I won't lie to you, today maybe one of the worst days of your life. And for many of us, it's going to be the last. But we can't give up. We've come too far and lost too much to throw this all away.
DOYLE:The New Republic believes they can end this war today. And they are correct. What they fail to realize is that the Federal Army of Chorus shall be the ones standing victorious after the smoke is clear.
KIMBALL:So remember the plan-
DOYLE:-remember your training. And most of all-
KIMBALL:-remember what you're fighting for.
Cut to Bitters, Smith, Jensen, and Palomo.
BITTERS:Yeah we're totally dead.
Smith hits him.
BITTERS:Ow!
SMITH:Not the time.
Cut back to Doyle, who sighs after the speech.
LOCUS:(off screen) Well said.
Doyle turns around to see Locus behind him.
DOYLE:Oh my- (laughs) Locus, yes. Oh dear God man, you nearly gave me a heart attack.
LOCUS:Sir, I have some rather urgent news.
DOYLE:Right. Well, spit it out then.
LOCUS:I have been informed that the New Republic has dispatched the mercenary to scout ahead for their forces.
DOYLE:My word, first the news of their invasion and now this? Heh, you are just a wealth of information aren't you?
LOCUS:I'm leaving to track him down.
Locus walks away.
DOYLE:Oh yes, yes. ... Wait, no, no, NO! Yo-yo-yo-you can't just leave! W-what about the ah- the impending battle? I need you here, by my side to ah- boost the moral of the troops!
LOCUS:Don't be concerned General. Once I've taken care of this issue, I'll return to take care of you.
Locus leaves.
DOYLE:Oh right. Uh yes, YES! Ah- excellent thinking Locus. I can always count on you to get the job done!
Cut to the Blood Gulch Crew at the fueling station. Caboose presents Freckles' storage unit to Epsilon.
CABOOSE:Give it to me straight Church! Is Freckles gonna make it?
EPSILON:Your robot's fine, I just need a few more-
Epsilon disappears. Freckles' storage chip begins beeping.
EPSILON:Ah there we go!
Epsilon reappears.
EPSILON:Congrats, your pet has been debugged.
CABOOSE:(sighs out of relief) Oh God! (puts chip away) Now all we have to do is get him fixed.
CAROLINA:I can't believe you would just accept something from the enemy like that!
WASHINGTON:It was a lapse in judgement, it won't happen again.
Epsilon appears next to Carolina.
EPSILON:Yeah because next time we'll be dead! Come on Wash, you're supposed to be the smart one in the group.
SIMMONS:I thought I was the smart one in the group?
GRIF:Ehhh. Smart's relative. Like good looks or skills. Sometimes you have to settle.
TUCKER:Would you guys all shut up! This isn't helping!
EPSILON:Oh yeah righ- since when have you manage to help around here?
TUCKER:Hey, maybe you haven't noticed, but I've been kinda running this shit while you were gone.
GRIF:Just out of curiosity, who ran stuff when he was here?
EPSILON:Well you ran straight into the ground Tucker, great job, you must be so proud.
EMILY:Oookayy. Everyone's a liiittle tense right now.
TUCKER:Well at least I tried!
Epsilon appears in front of Tucker
EPSILON:You!? What about me? You think I'm in a vacation this whole time?
DONUT:Please! Stop fighting! Can't you see you're tearing this family apart?!
Everyone stares at Donut.
EPSILON:Right. This shits getting weird. I'm out. Hey if you need me I'll be thinking of a way to keep us alive for the next 24 hours.
Epsilon disappears.
TUCKER:Good riddance.
EPSION:(voice only) Hey I heard that! I'm still actually in the room dumbass!
CAROLINA:I'm gonna go check the perimeter.
Carolina leaves.
WASHINGTON:I'll do the same. Why don't you guys just take a breather.
Wash leaves.
CABOOSE:Hey! Bye Wash! Bye Carolina! Bye Church!
TUCKER:Caboose aren't you even like the tiniest bit pissed off at Church?
CABOOSE:Ahhhhhhh Nope!
TUCKER:Not even a little?
CABOOSE:Nah.
TUCKER:At all?
CABOOSE:Yeah no. Not really.
TUCKER:How? He's being such an asshole!
SIMMONS:I'm pretty sure Church has always been an asshole.
GRIF:Yeah. Isn't that kind of his thing? Like Simmons is smart, I'm good looking, you guys are the dumb one, the lazy one, and the mean one.
TUCKER:But he doesn't even care about us.
SARGE:I don't know about that. He stopped that mercenary from cutting up Caboose. Missed opportunity if you ask me.
TUCKER:Well, he abandoned us.
DONUT:But didn't you guys do the same thing?
TUCKER:Huh?
GRIF:Uh, the rebels.
TUCKER:Well, yeah. But there were more important things we had to do.
SIMMONS:I kinda feel like stopping the sale of illegal military equipment might have been more important than hanging out in a canyon.
Caboose walks up to Tucker.
CABOOSE:Okay Tucker, I'm gonna tell you this only because you respect my opinions so much.
TUCKER:I actually don't listen to anything you say. Ever.
GRIF:Classic lazy one.
CABOOSE:If you keep being mean to Church, Church will just keep being mean to you, and then everyone will be mean to everyone all the time and everything will be bad and no one will have fun.
TUCKER:Is this- are you trying to give a motivational speech right now?
DONUT:Shh! I want to see where he's going!
CABOOSE:I mean come on! Is this really what you want? You just- you just want to be angry and mean all the time? Because that is dumb! And you know what? You are dumb for thinking that!
GRIF:Did Caboose just call someone dumb?
SARGE:Well that's calling the kettle blue.
CABOOSE:So Church left! And maybe some of us were sad! But you know what, that is okay! Because he was just trying to do something good! And he just made a mistake! And we all make mistakes sometimes.
TUCKER:Wow! Caboose I-
CABOOSE:So shut up and get over it! ...Well, my work is done here.
Caboose walks away.
TUCKER:You know, I really do fucking hate him.
Cut to Tucker watching Carolina scope out the perimeter. He approaches her.
TUCKER:Hey, Carolina. Can uh,... you think I can talk to Church for a second?
CAROLINA:Oh, um sure. Epsilon? Church, get out here. Church!
Epsilon appears alongside his memories of Delta and Theta.
THETA:(whispering) Just say you're sorry.
Delta and Theta disappear.
EPSILON:Can't a guy have a little privacy around- (notices Tucker) oh.
TUCKER:Hey.
Epsilon appears beside Tucker.
EPSILON:What do you want?
TUCKER:So. I guess I've been kind of a dick since you got back.
EPSILON:Oh. Well yeah, I mean sure if you want to put it lightly! Heh!
Tucker stares at Epsilon.
EPSILON:Uhhh. I mean I guess I did... you know leave you guys without saying anything. Which at the time seemed poetic and heroic and all that, but... you know I guess from a practical stand point I probably should have left a note.
TUCKER:Yeah.
EPSILON:I'm just not used to you, actually doing stuff you know, it's weird. Normally you guys just stick around and I have to do everything.
TUCKER:Well, you don't have to do everything anymore.
EPSILON:Yeah well, I guess it just takes getting use to.
TUCKER:You know I ah, I think I saw some beer back at the gas station.
EPSILON:Hologram dude, still a hologram.
TUCKER:Oh right.
EPSILON:But thanks, you can have mine.
CAROLINA:(off screen) Seriously?
Tucker and Epsilon look at Carolina.
CAROLINA:(confused) That's it? No "I'm sorry." Nothing?!
EPSILON:Carolina. We're dudes.
TUCKER:Yeah, this is pretty much as emotional as we're going to get.
EPSILON:Yeah you just witnessed like, an entire lifetimes worth of male emotion in one minute.
TUCKER:Huh. What was she expecting?
EPSILON:Beats me. Can you believe that I have to live with her?
TUCKER:Dude that sucks.
EPSILON:Tell me about it.
TUCKER:Oh wait does that mean you get to see her naked?
EPSILON:Okay man don- don't make it weird.
Wash walks up next to Carolina.
CAROLINA:Sooo. Are they good?
WASHINGTON:I think they're as good as we're going to get.
CAROLINA:About time.
Cut to Sarge standing behind the two.
SARGE:You're telling me.
Tucker, Epsilon, Carolina, and Wash notice the other Reds and Blues standing nearby.
SIMMONS:Now can we get back to the whole civil war thing please?
A harsh screeching sound activates through the group's radios.
DONUT:Ow! My ears! My sensitive ears!
FELIX:(over radio) Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking and boy, have I got some news for you.
GRIF:(to Simmons) You just had to ask for it.
EPSILON:It's Felix. He's using the radios.
TUCKER:(to Felix) Hey asshole! We're not interested in whatever bullshit you're selling!
FELIX:(over radio) Oh, but Tucker. In a miraculous, one time only deal, you've all been upgraded to first class on a one way flight off of Chorus. ... Are you interested now?
SIMMONS:I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little interested.
Cut to black


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 17: Multiple Choice

Fade in to the fueling station.
CAROLINA:What exactly are you playing at?
FELIX:(over radio) Ho ho, okay, easy there darling. I know this is all very exciting, so I'm gonna hand the mike over to my partner here to tell you the details.
LOCUS:(over radio) It's time you people understood the futility of your situation. We know where you're hiding. We know you are in possession of a single teleportation grenade. And we know that you hold the coordiantes to a particulary valuable radio jammer.
Cut to Locus and Felix standing beside each other at the location of the radio jammer.
LOCUS:Which is why my partner and I are contacting you from its location.
RADIO JAMMER STATION 1C
Cut to a low angle view of the radio jammer, where a Space Pirate is seen aiming his Binary Rifle. Locus walks towards the edge of the structure.
LOCUS:Make no mistake, you will not be intereferring with today's events.
TUCKER:(over radio) Says you! We're the champs of interferring with shit!
LOCUS:As we speak, the armies of Chorus are converging at the capital, and the battle that ensues will leave no survivors.
Cut back to the Reds and Blues listening to Locus at the fueling station.
LOCUS:(over radio) If your goal was to save these people... you have failed. But you now have the opportunity to save yourselves.
WASHINGTON:What do you mean?
FELIX:(over radio) Once the chumps at the capital are all dead, you guys will be the only loose ends left.
Upon hearing this, Dr. Grey sadly lowers her head.
FELIX:Now, seeing as you disabled our tracking device, and have the means to teleport anywhere in the world, this poses a somewhat... annoying problem.
LOCUS:(over radio) Which is why Control has offered to make a deal.
CAROLINA:Control?
LOCUS:If you choose to teleport back to your canyon, at Crash Site Bravo, you'll find a small ship waiting to take you home.
Cut to Locus at the radio jammer station.
LOCUS:But if you fail to arrive within the hour, we will find you... and we will kill you.
GRIF:(over radio) I'm gonna go ahead and call bullshit on that.
Cut back to the Reds and Blues.
SIMMONS:Yeah, why should we believe anything you say?!
LOCUS:(over radio) See for yourselves.
A low rumbling sound is heard nearby, catching the Blood Gulch Crew's attention. They run towards the open field of the fueling station towards the sound and spot the ship, which transported Donut, Lopez, and Doc to Chorus, getting ready for its departure.
LOPEZ:Bueno. Yo les creo. 
CAPTION:Okay. I believe them.
DONUT:You're right, Lopez! That is the ship that dropped us off.
LOPEZ:PARA DE FINGIR QUE ME ENTIENDES.
CAPTION:STOP PRETENDING THAT YOU UNDERSTAND ME.
LOCUS:(over radio) It's fully functional and on route to the canyon now.
The ship flies off.
WASHINGTON:So you got a ship. How are we suppose to know you won't shoot us the second we arrive?
Cut to Felix and Locus at the radio jammer station.
FELIX:Well you can't. But if it makes you feel any better, this wasn't our idea. Trust me, I'm really hoping your dumb enough to turn this offer down.
LOCUS:Our client is a person of business. They understand if you want no part in this conflict. And they're willing to let you live if you agree never to speak of our involvement here.
FELIX:And trust us. They'll know if you do.
Cut back to the Reds and Blues
LOCUS:(over radio) Agent Washington, I've been ordered to offer you and your men a way out. And I never break an order. You have one hour to make your decision.
FELIX:(over radio) Hope you make the right one.
Wash looks at the others. Dissolve to Armonia. A crashing sound is heard. Cut to the recruits.
ARMONIA, CAPITAL CITY OF CHORUS
JENSEN:Sorry.
PALOMO:It's all good. Just severe whiplash.
BITTERS:So how is it you can fix cars, when you can't even drive them?
JENSEN:I'm sorry Antoine, I couldn't hear you over the sound of your perpetual poor attitude.
PALOMO:Ohhhh! Fucking got him! Dropping that first name shit!
BITTERS:God I hope you die before me.
SMITH:Cut the chatter. Entry point seven secure. No hostiles detected over
NEW REPUBLIC TROOPER:Roger that Smith, moving up.
A group of rebels run by.
NEW REPUBLIC TROOPER:Come on guys! Lets go!
PALOMO:Oh hey! I just realized this is our first mission together.
JENSEN:Huh?
PALOMO:As a super elite team remember?
BITTERS:Yeah some team we turned out to be.
PALOMO:Yeah we're like the Avengers. Okay Smith can be Captain America, Jensen's Black Widow-
JENSEN:Who are you?
PALOMO:Uhhggg. Tony Stark. Obviously.
BITTERS:Oh whatever, you're totally Hawkeye.
PALOMO:Comic book Hawkeye or movie Hawkeye?
BITTERS:Movie Hawkeye.
PALOMO:(raises pistol) You fuck yourself!
SMITH:Hey! Palomo's right. The captains choose us for a reason and none of us are going to let them down. Now lets move out.
Smith begins walking. Cut to a group of cloaked space pirates, lead by Jackson, watching the recruits from nearby.
JACKSON:Keep interference to a minimum. Let them kill each other and only target those who try to escape.
FEMALE SPACE PIRATE:Heh. This is going to be too easy.
Cut to the Blood Gulch Crew at the fueling station.
EPSILON:Alright, the way I see it we got three options; I'm gonna go through these in the order of fucking terrible to goddamned nightmare. Option A: We take our last teleportation grenade and jump to a place on Chorus where we can lay low for a while. The obvious con here is that the armies will probably blow each other to bits. But, Carolina and I have gotten pretty good about fighting these guys on the run. If we're careful, we might be able to gather enough equipment and intel to get off this planet and bring control to justice.
SIMMONS:Just to clarify, that's the best option?
EPSILON:That was fucking terrible.
CAROLINA:We lose Chorus, but still have a chance to bring down control and walk away from this alive. That gives us two out of three.
GRIF:What's option B?
EPSILON:If, and let me tell ya I cannot stretch this if hard enough, if Locus and Felix are telling the truth, we go back to the canyon, get on the ship, go home. If anybody asks, we tell them we stole the ride before all the crazy army people showed up and started murdering each other.
SARGE:Gotta be honest, I'm not the biggest fan of the 'if', and the thousands of deaths aren't great either.
TUCKER:What about option C?
EPSILON:We teleport to the radio jammer. If we take out their defenses, and shut down the machine, and if we're not too late, then we can broadcast a message to the capital.
DONUT:Oh, well that one doesn't sound too bad.
EPSILON:Weelll, here's the thing. I've been running Carolina's healing unit whenever I can but her leg is still garbage. Combine that with the fact that these guys have freelancer equipment advance weaponry-
CAROLINA:We get it. Some of us won't make it back.
EPSILON:Ehhhg Most of us won't make it back.
TUCKER:But we could save everyone at the capital.
EPSILON:Yeah If, if, if, we make it back in time. Then you just need to find a way to convince two armies that a bunch of dead people, are actually alive, and telling the truth.
WASHINGTON:There's a fourth option. Carolina and I go on the run with Epsilon and do our best to bring down control. And the rest of you take the ship and go home.
EPSILON:That's actually not a bad Idea.
CAROLINA:The three of us would be able to move around the planet easier without the extra baggage. No offense.
GRIF:No baggage is right. We're comfortable with who we are.
DONUT:But we can't just leave.
EMILY:Yes you can. This isn't your responsibility. You all held up your end of the bargain. You helped us fight. You saved your friends. So now all that's left is for you to go home.
The crew sadly look at Emily and ponder over what they should do. Fade to Armonia, where Kimball and her forces scout the city in warthogs.
DOWNTOWN ARMONIA
KIMBALL:Something's not right. Squad leaders in the downtown areas report in.
SMITH:Still no enemies in sight ma'am.
NEW REPUBLIC TROOPER:Yeah we got nothin' over here.
NEW REPUBLIC TROOPER:Ma'am You don't think Felix had bad intel do you?
KIMBALL:Anything's possible. Just stay alert. He should've been back by now.
A loud sound is heard.
NEW REPUBLIC TROOPER:What was that?
NEW REPUBLIC TROOPER:Shit! The city's roadblocks just locked up!
KIMBALL:What?!
NEW REPUBLIC TROOPER:Same thing just happened in our sector.
FEDERAL ARMY TROOPER:Freeze!
Suddenly, all of the rebels, including the recruits, become surrounded by Feds.
NEW REPUBLIC TROOPER:Uh oh.
NEW REPUBLIC TROOPER:Uh oh.
NEW REPUBLIC TROOPER:Uh oh.
SMITH:Uh oh.
KIMBALL:Don't say it.
PALOMO:It's a trap!
KIMBALL:Get us out of here!
Kimball and her men flee, but are intercepted by Feds. Doyle then appears from atop a platform.
DOYLE:Well well well. Vanessa Kimball, leader of the New Republic. Welcome to the capital.


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 18: Fed vs. New

Open in on the radio jammer station, where Felix and Locus are waiting for the Reds and Blues' call.
RADIO JAMMER 1C
FELIX:Time's almost up.
LOCUS:(speaks on his radio) Bravo, report.
BRAVO:(over radio) No visual on the targets. I... don't think they're coming, sir.
LOCUS:(to Bravo) Hmm... stay on guard.
FELIX:Guess they didn't trust us.
Felix glances at the mercenaries around them. He spots one from afar walking away into the shadows.
FELIX:Locus... how many men did you bring with you?
LOCUS:Four. The rest were needed at the capital.
FELIX:You don't say...
Cut to a disguised Carolina walking away.
CAROLINA:(speaks on her radio) Four pirates carrying prototypes. The mercs are sticking to their usual. I'm heading away from the jamming tower now...
WASHINGTON:(over radio) Did they see you?
FELIX:(offscreen) Excuse me!
Carolina turns to see Felix standing on a platform above her, aiming his rifle at her.
FELIX:(tauntingly) You look familiar. Have we met?
He fires at Carolina, disrupting her camouflage and restoring her cyan armor color.
FELIX:(laughing) Ohhhh man! You are fast! Oh, but minus points on originality.
Carolina fires at him, but he activates his Hardlight Shield, deflecting the bullets. More pirates decloak around him.
FELIX:See what I mean?
CAROLINA:All right. You have me.
FELIX:So... where's the rest of the crew?
CAROLINA:They're not here. I came alone.
FELIX:Well, that is classic you from what I've heard. But seeing as how they weren't at the gas station or the ship we so generously provided, I'm not sure I believe you.
CAROLINA:Well, I guess that's your problem.
FELIX:Actually, if you don't tell your friends to come out and surrender, you're going to have a problem the size of a golf ball in the middle of your forehead.
Felix aims his rifle at Carolina only for Washington to appear behind him, weapon aimed at his head.
WASHINGTON:Funny... I was just about to tell you the same thing.
FELIX:Oh hey, Wash. Heads up, you're going to feel like an asshole in three... two... and...
Locus decloaks behind Washington, his gun pointed at him.
LOCUS:You continue to both surprise and disappoint me, Agent Washington.
FELIX:(to Washington) Yeah, yeah. There it is.
Cut to Armonia and the standoff between the New Republic and the Federal Army of Chorus.
DOYLE:Never in all my life have I met a human being as selfish and bloodthirsty as you, Miss Kimball!
KIMBALL:How dare you!
DOYLE:Marching into the capital thinking you could kick us while we're down. Have you no decency?
KIMBALL:We tried to be decent in the past, but we all know how that turned out, don't we?
DOYLE:(laughs) Oh my dear girl, I can assure you I haven't the slightest idea what you mean.
KIMBALL:Of course no! You're still too busy trying to uphold a government that doesn't even exist anymore.
DOYLE:Because you killed everyone who stood for it!
KIMBALL:It was a broken, fucking bureaucracy that nearly killed the planet!
DOYLE:And you are a ruthless lot of anarchists who killed the only outsiders brave enough to try and save it!
KIMBALL:I would- (confused) Wait, what did you say?
Cut to the space pirates overlooking the confrontation.
SPACE PIRATE:This might be a problem (they cloak)
Cut back to the Radio Jammer, where Washington and Carolina are now surrounded by the Space Pirates.
FELIX:(yelling into the wilderness) All right, guys! Come out and I promise to kill you quick! Waste my time, and you get to watch the Freelancers die over the course of... ah... well until whenever I get bored!
Felix waits for a bit but nothing happens.
FELIX:(to pirates) Hmm... spread out and find them. They might be hiding in one of the caves...
The sound of gunfire is heard offscreen.
TUCKER:(offscreen) Caboose!
CABOOSE:(offscreen) I didn't do it!
FELIX:...or maybe they'll just telegraph their position because they're idiots.
LOCUS:(to pirates) Shoot on sight.
Cut back to Armonia
DOYLE:(to Kimball) Tell me, when you murdered the Reds and Blues, was it because you couldn't stand the thought of them siding with us, or were they mere caught up (raises voice angrily) in the decimation of our outpost?!
KIMBALL:What are you talking about? We didn't decimate anything!
Cut back to the Radio Jammer. Two pirates are at the entrance to a cave.
FEMALE PIRATE:(whispers) It came from in here.
MALE PIRATE:(whispers) Right. Move in on three...
Cut back to Armonia
KIMBALL:You killed the Reds and Blues after they rescued their friends!
DOYLE:We did no such thing!
Cut back to the cave
MALE PIRATE:...two...
Cut to Felix at the Radio Jammer
FELIX:(to Wash and Carolina) You know, I just gotta ask. What did you think seven morons, a couple of Freelancers, and an AI would actually be able to do here?
Cut to the cave
MALE PIRATE:...One! (they cloak)
Cut to Armonia
KIMBALL:But... Felix said-
One of Kimball's men are killed by a cloaked pirate. Cut back to the cave. The two pirates enter only to see an assault rifle lying on a crate.
MALE PIRATE:What the...?
WASHINGTON:(offscreen) Well, not much.
Cut back to Wash at the Radio Jammer
WASHINGTON:(to Felix) But you forgot to count the genius, and the dog.
LOCUS:The dog...?
Cut back to the cave. The assault rifle's flashlight lights up. It's Freckles in a new body.
FRECKLES:Heat signatures detected.
FEMALE PIRATE:D-did that gun just fucking talk?
FRECKLES:Firing main cannon.
Freckles fires, killing the Male Pirate and alerting the other pirates.
FELIX:What-?!
CAROLINA:(to the hidden Reds and Blues) Now!
Cut to the capital. Doyle ducks.
DOYLE:Attack!
KIMBALL:Open fire!
Cut to the New Republic recruits in the corridor surrounded by enemy soldiers.
JENSEN:Duck!
They duck, and the Federal Army soldiers on either side of them kill each other in a crossfire. Cut back to the main road. The two armies open fire on each other. Kimball and her soldiers run for cover.
KIMBALL:Move!
Cut back to the Radio Jammer. Felix and the other pirates open fire. Carolina and Wash dive away from the gunfire. Locus jumps off the platform and engages in a fistfight with Carolina. Wash dodges a stream of bullets from Felix and returns fire, disarming Felix's gun from his hands. Cut to the Female Pirate running out of the cave.
FEMALE PIRATE:Man down! Man-uggh! (Tucker slams her in the head with his rifle, knocking her out)
TUCKER:Hi-ya! Haha, bitch!
Cut to the interior of the cave. Caboose comes out of hiding.
CABOOSE:Yes! Good one, Freckles.
FRECKLES:Thank you, Captain Caboose.
TUCKER:Alright guys! Two down, two to go!
Cut to the Radio Jammer. Sarge, Grif, and Simmons are hiding behind a rock formation.
SARGE:(to Tucker) Roger that!
Sarge runs out from cover.
SARGE:(to pirates) Come and get us, boys! (he dives for cover as they open fire) Whoa! (to Grif and Simmons) Now might be a good time to run.
Cut back to the tower. Locus and Carolina brawl, but Locus manages to lift her up and slam her into the ground. Before he can stomp his foot down on her, Wash fires a burst at him, distracting him long enough for Carolina to kick him off the platform. He bounces off some pipes and lands on the ground. Carolina jumps after him. Wash turns around and fires at Felix, who uses his shield to deflect the bullets and charges at him. Wash sidesteps and Felix runs past him. Wash pulls out his pistol and fires at Felix, who pulls out his knife. They exchange blows, but Felix manages to pin a grenade onto Wash's pistol.
WASHINGTON:Oh come on!
Felix laughs and mockingly salutes him. Wash tosses the grenade-pistol at Carolina and Locus.
WASHINGTON:Fire in the hole!
Carolina notices the armed device and kicks it at Locus, who dives away before it explodes.
WASHINGTON:Sorry!
Felix activates his Hardlight Shield and knocks Wash off the platform. Cut to the capital, where the recruits are pinned down by a pair of chaingun-wielding Federal Army soldiers.
SMITH:Take out those gunmen!
Bitters jumps out and fires, though he misses. The soldiers pause.
PALOMO:Missed!
The soldiers open fire again.
PALOMO:(to Bitters) Missed!
BITTERS:Palomo! (he opens fire and kills the cloaked soldier about to kill Palomo)
PALOMO:Okay, nice shot.
Cut back to the Radio Jammer. A pirate is searching for the Reds when Simmons pops out.
SIMMONS:Hey, suck it black! (he runs back into cover)
PIRATE:What?
Simmons runs back out
SIMMONS:Just to clarify, that wasn't a race thing! (he runs back into cover)
PIRATE:Come back here!
The Pirate follows Simmons only to find the Reds and Dr. Grey waiting for him.
SARGE:Get him!
Sarge jumps on the soldier, who is barely affected. Grif then jumps on both of them, knocking the pirate down. Simmons follows shortly after. Grey stands back and shouts encouragements.
GREY:Aim for the jugular!
A punching sound is heard offscreen.
GRIF:(offscreen) Ow!
GREY:The JUGULAR!
There is more scuffling
GRIF:(offscreen) Ow!
Grey stamps her foot angrily
GREY:(annoyed) Punch him in the goddamn throat!
There is another punching sound and then the pirate is heard gasping for breath.
GRIF:(offscreen) Well why didn't you just say so?!
Sarge is heard chuckling. Cut to the final pirate patrolling the perimeter.
PIRATE:Does anyone copy? Got damn it, what the hell is happening up there?!
Donut and Lopez appear from behind a rock.
DONUT:Stick 'em up!
The pirate fires at him. Donut dives aside and the shot instead knocks Lopez's head off.
LOPEZ:¡Mierda! 
CAPTION:Fuck!
DONUT:Lopez! Noooooo!
LOPEZ:¡Tienes que estar bromeando! 
CAPTION:You've got to be fucking kidding me!) (he manages to make his leg twitch) Oh... espera un minuto.(Oh... wait a minute.
The pirate walks up and aims his gun at Donut, only for Lopez's headless body to stand up and punch him in the face, knocking him out. Lopez then picks up his head and puts it back on.
LOPEZ:Pues... eso salio mejor de lo esperado. 
CAPTION:Well... that worked out better than expected.
Cut back to the Freelancers and the mercenaries. Carolina grabs Locus' SAW and opens fire. Wash and Locus dive aside to avoid the spray.
LOCUS:Felix!
Felix puts up his shield, deflecting the bullets. Carolina charges him. The pair brawl, but Locus jumps in and knocks her to the ground, leaving Wash to face the pair. Felix bashes him with his shield, disorienting him. The pair tag-team Wash, punching him and kicking him until he is almost knocked off the tower and into the abyss.
WASHINGTON:Woah... (he glances below him)
FELIX:Haha, that was awesome.
LOCUS:Stay focused.
FELIX:Right, where's the other one?
Carolina jumps in at that moment and punches Locus, but like Wash, she is overwhelmed by the pair and literally launched by Locus onto a platform, where she lies stunned. Meanwhile, Wash manages to pull himself back up.
WASHINGTON:(to himself) If it's not a car, it's a cliff.
LOCUS:(to Felix) Take care of the simulation troopers. I have this under control.
FELIX:Right. (he runs off)
Wash notices a battle rifle lying near him. A SAW lies near Locus. Both are just out of reach for either of them. The pair glare at each other.
LOCUS:Do not disappoint me again.
The pair both dive for the weapons. Wash grabs his and opens fire. Cut back to Armonia. A soldier next to Doyle is taken out by Kimball.
DOYLE:Oh dear. (he runs away while under fire from Kimball) I'm a leader, not a fighter!
Kimball is forced to duck when a soldier next to her is killed.
KIMBALL:Damn it! (to the soldiers next to her) Get ready to cover me! This ends today!
Cut back to a sandy area around the Radio Jammer. Felix is stalking the area.
FELIX:Come on guys! Let's not draw this out any longer than we have to!
TUCKER:(offscreen) Sounds good to me!
Tucker is standing on a rock above Felix. He draws his Energy Sword.
FELIX:(laughs) Ho ho... you are not! Seriously? Y-you're going to go with the sword?! Oh no, okay, oh no, alright!
TUCKER:What's wrong? You scared?
FELIX:Oh this is going to be fun.
Cut to Wash, hiding from Locus.
WASHINGTON:(to himself) Last mag, Wash. Make it count.
He runs out of cover, but Locus is nowhere to be seen.
LOCUS:(offscreen) Why do you continue to help these people, Agent Washington?
WASHINGTON:(softly) Where are you? (he walks forward slowly)
LOCUS:(offscreen) You have nothing to gain from them. No reason to fight for them. And yet, here you stand with your life on the line for them.
WASHINGTON:Is that so hard to understand?
Locus decloaks and fires at Washington, who dives for cover. He runs back out, but Locus has cloaked again.
LOCUS:(offscreen) You used to be so much more.
Cut back to the beach, where Tucker and Felix are circling each other.
FELIX:For God's sake, man, loosen up! You got to get limber!
TUCKER:How did you convince Kimball to go to the capital?
FELIX:Vanessa? Oh, (snorts) she was easy! I just made up some story about how you all died heroically. You should have seen it man. I gave the performance of a fucking lifetime! Got all broken up, threw in a few dramatic pauses, and they just ate it up.
TUCKER:So how long have you and Locus been working together?
FELIX:I'm sorry, I thought we were going to be fighting here? (He drops into a ready stance)
Tucker charges him, but Felix kicks him in the back, sending him sprawling.
TUCKER:Agh! Son of a bitch!
Felix drops into a mocking praying bow.
FELIX:(in a fake Japanese accent) Round One: Felix.
TUCKER:God, you're a fucking tool.
Cut to Wash, who is slowly walking through the area, glancing around him.
LOCUS:(offscreen) You were once an enemy to these men. You were ruthless! You were a survivor!
WASHINGTON:I was a different person.
LOCUS:(offscreen) No, you were a soldier.
Wash notices the air shimmer and watches it suspiciously.
WASHINGTON:You say that like they're two different things.
LOCUS:(offsceen) When a true soldier is told to kill, he kills. He does not question why, he does not mourn the fallen; he fulfills his role and moves on to the next.
WASHINGTON:Is that what you want to be? A true soldier?
Locus is revealed to be cloaked and standing on a catwalk above Wash, his gun aimed at him. He decloaks.
LOCUS:No, that is what I am!
Locus fires, but Wash avoids it. He aims back at Locus, but he's disappeared again.
WASHINGTON:Damn it!
Cut back to the beach. Tucker is hit again by Felix.
TUCKER:Ow, you dick!
FELIX:God, I really just want to savor this. You know, once the Feds and rebels kill each other, I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean, we've been playing these guys for years. How do you just walk away from something like that?
TUCKER:What happened to retirement?
FELIX:Oh yeah, well I'll be filthy stinking rich, but I'm still in my prime! There's so much more I can do.
TUCKER:Keep talking, asshole.
FELIX:Well, the thing about that is, ah...oh (chuckles) You'd like that, wouldn't you? You know I just realized, I haven't seen your pals in a while. I wonder if they're trying to (pulls out a sticky detonator and turns around) get the jump on me?!
The Reds and Caboose are revealed to be standing on a platform behind Felix.
SIMMONS:Ahh! He knows!
Felix fires the grenade. It sticks to the platform.
SARGE:Uh-oh.
The grenade explodes, throwing the Reds and Caboose back.
TUCKER:NO!
He charges forward, but Felix turns around and stabs him in the stomach.
FELIX:That's the last time you try to outsmart me, Captain Tucker.
Felix shoves Tucker off the knife and onto the ground; his knife is seen covered with blood. Cut back to Locus and Washington.
LOCUS:(offscreen) I'm a professional, Agent Washington. I complete my-
WASHINGTON:Yeah, yeah, yeah, you complete your missions at all cost. You can say that as many times as you want, but I know what you really are. You're a coward.
LOCUS:(offscreen) Ridiculous.
WASHINGTON:You keep trying to play yourself off as some sort of weapon. That you don't care about anyone or anything. But the fact that you're trying so hard to understand me breaks your entire act! No matter how hard you may want to be, you're not a machine, you're a murderer. But you hide behind the idea in your head, because you're too afraid to take responsibility for what you've done.
The air shimmers behind him.
WASHINGTON:I know, I used to be a real piece of shit. But at least I'm trying to do something about it.
Locus decloaks and tackles Washington. Cut to the capital, where Kimball is hunting Doyle. She finds him in the command center, alone. They aim their guns at each other.
DOYLE:Stop right there!
KIMBALL:(angrily) You... (she advances on him)
DOYLE:(scared and retreating backwards) D-don't make me use this!
Cut back to the beach. Felix picks up his pistol, and Tucker holds himself up, clutching his side.
FELIX:You still don't get it, do you? The entire reason you sim-troopers were allowed to live this long, (chuckles) is because you're all losers! Control was confident that you'd do more damage to these people than they could ever do to themselves. I mean, a bunch of idiots in charge of an army? Come on, it was a recipe for disaster! Locus and I figured we'd let you rack up the casualty count then kill you after a few weeks. Oh, but then you did something special! You gave these people hope! And with that came a new level of motivation. To fight harder, to die faster! All with the belief that their sacrifice might actually mean something. But you know what? It all means nothing! At the end of the day, if I'm stronger than you and if I'm faster than you, then I can kill you! And that's better than anything money can buy! (he aims the pistol at Tucker)
TUCKER:(coughs) I don't know man, I think I'd rather be rich than a fucking nutjob. What do you think Church?
Epsilon appears next to Tucker.
EPSILON:Yeah, this guy's got no idea what he's talking about.
FELIX:(surprised) What the...what the fuck is this?
TUCKER:Oh this is Church. He's the AI that helps me run my equipment.
FELIX:What equipment?
TUCKER:(tauntingly) My helmet cam.
CUT TO A FIRST-PERSON VIEW OF TUCKER'S HUD. A LINE OF TEXT SHOWS:EPSILON UNIT CAPTURING FOOTAGE
EPSILON:Oh-ho! Someone just got fucking busted.
CAROLINA:(offscreen) All right boys!
The camera pans up to show the others aiming their weapons at the jamming tower.
CAROLINA:Bring it down!
The Reds and Blues open fire at the radio jammer, shutting it down.
EPSILON:(to Tucker) Be right back!
Epsilon disappears and transmits the helmet-cam footage to Armonia. At the capital, everyone stops fighting as the footage of Felix's monologue plays over every visual and audio device. Doyle and Kimball lower their weapons and stare at the image of Felix.
FELIX:(recording) Once the Feds and rebels kill each other, I don't know what I'm going to do! I mean, we've been playing these guys for years!
TUCKER:(recording) How did you convince Kimball to go to the capital?
FELIX:(recording) Vanessa? Oh (snort) she was easy! I just made up some story about how you all died heroically! You should have seen it man, I gave the performance of a fucking lifetime! Got all broken up, threw in a few dramatic pauses, and they just ate it up.
KIMBALL:You son of a bitch!
FELIX:(recording) The entire reason you sim-troopers were allowed to live this long is because you're all losers! Locus and I figured we'd let you rack up the casualty count then kill you after a few weeks.
DOYLE:Locus?
Felix's recording continues to play as the two armies realize how they've been tricked. The space pirates watch from their perch.
SPACE PIRATE:This is bad... (they all cloak)
Cut to Locus, who is standing over the stunned Washington.
SPACE PIRATE:(over radio) Locus, everyone at the capital knows! What do we do?
Locus stares at Washington.
LOCUS:(hesitantly) ...Follow... protocol...
Cut back to the beach.
TUCKER:(to Felix) Oh, dude, were you speechless? 'Cause that's a first!
FELIX:(angrily) You...you're dead!
Felix aims his pistol, but the targeting lasers of Carolina's binary rifle appear on his head.
CAROLINA:(offscreen) I wouldn't, if I were you!
SARGE:Ugh...you know those sticky grenades kick like a mule! But I hear these newfangled laser blasters are quite lethal!
The Reds and Blues aim their weapons at Felix. Felix puts up his shield. Locus decloaks and covers his back, facing Tucker.
LOCUS:The mission is a failure. Protocol states we are to report to Control immediately.
FELIX:They're injured! We can kill them, now!
LOCUS:No! We follow orders. (he turns to the others, holding a teleportation grenade) Let me assure you all: This is not over! (he tosses the teleportation grenade towards the ground and the pair vanish)
The screen flashes white and dissolves back into the scene. The camera pans out as Tucker collapses from his wound, while Dr. Grey and the others rush to his side. We hear the frantic orders for a cease fire from Kimball and Doyle.
KIMBALL:(over radio) This is Vanessa Kimball of the New Republic, ordering an immediate ceasefire!
DOYLE:(over radio) All soldiers of the Federal Army, stand down at once!
KIMBALL:(over radio) Tucker? Grif? Can anyone read me? What are your coordinates? Where are you?
Cut to black


Red vs. Blue Season 12
Episode 19: You Know Who We Are

Cut to Palomo and the other New Republic recruits standing in front of a group of New Republic soldiers. Palomo is describing the rescue of the Reds and Blues.
PALOMO:Pheewww...! The Pelican goes in for a landing, but the radio jammer's shooting up all sorts of electricity and stuff. It was like (mimics lightning) ka-pew, pew-pew-pew-pew!
NEW REPUBLIC SOLDIERS:Oooooooo!
PALOMO:We're on the ground. Captain Tucker's bleeding out. The Reds and Blues are all bashed up. Things (camera zooms in on his face) don't look good!
NEW REPUBLIC SOLDIERS:Awwwwwwww!
PALOMO:We led them all aboard the ship and take off as fast as we can and that's when he spoke to me. "Palomo, come closer. Come closer." It was my captain. I leaned in. "Don't speak Tucker, you need your strength." But he brushed my hand aside, looked at me straight in the eyes, and said to me, "Palomo, you did good kid. You did good."
TUCKER:(offscreen) Oh that's bullshit!
Cut to Tucker, looking up at Palomo. Caboose, Simmons, and Grif are seen standing next to him.
TUCKER:What I actually told you was to stop crying and to shut the fuck up.
PALOMO:Okay yeah but the sentiment was still there.
TUCKER:I fucking hate you Palomo.
BITTERS:You know, if we hadn't shown up with that ship you'd probably be dead like for real this time.
GRIF:Hey, we're a bunch of mavericks okay? We weren't even planning on making out alive. That was just an added bonus for being so fucking awesome.
JENSEN:You went on a suicide mission for us?
SIMMONS:Well uh you know we figured we owed you one.
JENSEN:That's so selfless. And hey, your voice didn't crack.
SIMMONS:(nervously) It didn't? I mean, I don't know what your talking about.
GRIF:Alright, don't get carried away. You guys just happened to be the first people we ever met who though we were cool. We saved you strictly for selfish reasons. And with the hope there'd be more pampering upon our return.
Matthews appears from nearby.
MATTHEWS:I'm here whenever you need me sir!
GRIF:He seriously survived the fight? I mean really? The universe just had to spare Mathews.
SMITH:Well I think I speak for all of us when I say thank you.
CABOOSE:And I think that I speak for all of us when I say when this feels like the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Isn't that right Freckles.
FRECKLES:Affirmative.
GRIF:No.
SIMMONS:Absolutely not.
TUCKER:Way too cheesy.
SMITH:Thank you captain. I'll remember this till the day I die. Or my name isn't John Elizabeth Andersmith.
TUCKER:Oh god, is it?
Pan up to Kimball and Doyle, overlooking the compound.
KIMBALL:So what do you think?
DOYLE:I think it's an absolute mess.
KIMBALL:Well your army didn't exactly leave us with many options over the years.
DOYLE:Yes. Well I suppose we can't expect you to continue operating out of a hole in the ground. I'll talk with one of my new advisers and see if we can have your people set up at another one of our outposts.
KIMBALL:I was actually thinking about moving to the capital.
DOYLE:(sputters) Well that's preposterous.
KIMBALL:Excuse me? My men deserve a roof over their heads, just like yours.
Cut to Washington, Sarge, Donut, and Lopez.
WASHINGTON:Hey. You both agreed to a temporary truce, so why don't you start with a little cooperation.
DOYLE:Very well... I will see what we can do. Agent Washington, you have my thanks.
KIMBALL:And mine. If it wasn't for you all, we'd all be gone.
WASHINGTON:Well... thanks, but you should really thank Tucker. The whole plan was actually his idea.
KIMBALL:Is that so.
SARGE:Kind of a shocker, huh?
KIMBALL:No, not really.
DOYLE:If there's anything we can ever do for you, please don't hesitate to ask.
DONUT:Oh gosh, I don't think that's really necess-
SARGE:What's a rank higher than captain?
DOYLE:Um, Colonel?
SARGE:Promote me to Colonel!
DOYLE:Oh! (stutters) very well then. I- In honor of your service, I hereby promote you to Colonel...eh..Sarge.
Sarge yells at Grif from atop the platform.
SARGE:You hear that numbnuts?! I outrank you, again! Hah!
Cut to Carolina near the algae lake. Epsilon appears next her.
EPSILON:So did ya miss me?
CAROLINA:Actually I found the peace of mind to be rather nice for a change.
EPSILON:Oh yeah I bet it went along great with that ass kicking.
CAROLINA:That was part of the plan.
EPSILON:Oh really? Because I thought the plan was to distract Locus, not let him mop the floor with you.
CAROLINA:Look, they were better than I expected, okay.
EPSILON:Wimp.
CAROLINA:I'm still surprised you went along with the plan.
EPSILON:Yeah well, I figured it was time to have faith in them too.
Epsilon flashes green.
EPSILON:Oh hey, hold on.
CAROLINA:Everything okay?
EPSILON:Yeah, I said hold on. Uh huh, great, thanks D.
CAROLINA:What was that?
EPSILON:That was the end of a very long and very annoying decryption process.
CAROLINA:You've got the manifest?
EPSILON:Fuck yeah I got the manifest. I am processing it right now.
Epsilon recedes temporarily and returns within the second.
EPSILON:Well, not the most dramatic revelation, but I believe we have our culprit.
CAROLINA:Who is it?
Epsilon displays a "Charon Industries" logo.
EPSILON:Charon Industries. Big umbrella corporation that got a hand in every major market you can think of. Even messed around with cryogenics a few years back, but it looks like their largest profits come from weapons and technology; they own most of the stuff on the ship.
CAROLINA:Sounds familiar.
EPSILON:Yeah, Project Freelancer stole some assets from them once or twice, and managed to destroy quite a bit of private property in the process.
CAROLINA:You mean the Resistance? I thought they were a UNSC splinter group?
EPSILON:The soldiers were all UNSC. But according to my records, they've been hired on to act as Charon's private security force.
CAROLINA:Is that legal?
EPSILON:Tch. I doubt it. Looks like Charon and the military started getting really buddy buddy around the time that-oh.
CAROLINA:Epsilon?
EPSILON:Where's Dr. Grey?
CAROLINA:Huh?
EPSILON:The lunatic, what's she doing?
CAROLINA:She's, treating the space pirates we captured.
EPSILON:Perfect. Tell her I want them to give me all known radio frequencies used by the mercenaries.
CAROLINA:Why?
EPSILON:I need to make a call.
Cut to the interior of a mercenary compound, where Control speaks to Locus and Felix.
MERCENARY COMM. FACILITY
CONTROL:(voice only) I am at a loss, gentlemen. Years of arduous labor and delicate manipulation all made worthless by your inability to stop a single squad of what can hardly be considered soldiers.
FELIX:They got lucky.
LOCUS:They were underestimated. And it will not happen again.
CONTROL:(voice only) Our operation now lies in extreme jeopardy. Word of our involvement can never find its way back to earth or the UNSC.
LOCUS:Then what are our orders?
CONTROL:(voice only) Go to war.
Caboose is suddenly heard over the channel.
CABOOSE:(voice only) Hello? Yes. Hello?
CONTROL:(voice only) What is this?
CABOOSE:(voice only) Extra sauce please!
LOCUS:An outside transmission.
CABOOSE:(voice only) Hello?
FELIX:How'd they get this channel?
CONTROL'S SCREEN DISPLAYS A NEWSPAPER ARTICLE READING:"Colorful Space Marines Stop Corruption." Epsilon begins to speak over the channel.
EPSILON:(voice only) "Colorful Space Marines Stop Corruption."
The screen then cuts to the Blood Gulch Crew, alongside Doyle and Kimball.
EPSILON:You know, I really love the picture they used for this thing but I gotta say I liked description even more. Pictured above, the Red and Blue troopers of Project Freelancer receive a full pardon from UNSC Oversight Chairman and Charon Industries CEO, Malcom Hargrove. I can't imagine you liked that second bit very much though, probably not very good for business. Am I right, Chairman?
STAFF OF CHARON, COMM. ROOM.
Cut to the interior of the Staff of Charon, where the Chairman is seen.
CHAIRMAN:On the contrary, you'd be surprised as to what can come of a merger between politics and corporations. If your here to negotiate a surrender, I'm afraid I must inform you that your ship has set sailed. Quite literally in fact.
Cut back to the Reds and Blues.
WASHINGTON:Actually, we were just hoping to read you a letter
SARGE:Its just a little something we put together for ya. Considerin' we'll probably be seein' a lot of each other over the next few weeks.
TUCKER:Take it away Church.
EPSILON:Dear Chairman; It has come to our attention that you have declared war on the planet Chorus. We regret to inform you that this is a really shitty idea. Not only have you managed to annoy the people that you failed to kill, time and time again, you've also found a way to piss off an entire planet. Now they may not have the best equipment and they might not be the best fighters, but as you're aware, they've been fighting for a very long time. And now that they're not fighting each other, they're more than happy to dedicate all of their time to fighting you. So dear Chairman, to you and your idiotic mercenaries, we would like to say: bring it on, motherfuckers! We're not going anywhere. From your friends, the incredibly badass and sexually attractive, Red and Blue soldiers of Project Freelancer. P.S.; suck our balls.
Cut to credits. Cut back to the interior of the Staff of Charon, where the Chairman is seen.
CHAIRMAN:F.I.L.S.S.?
F.I.L.S.S.:(voice only) Yes Chairman?
CHAIRMAN:Please clear my schedule for the rest of the day.
F.I.L.S.S.:(voice only) Yes Chairman.
CHAIRMAN:And F.I.L.S.S., Could you verify that Locus' delivery was sent to the trophy room?
F.I.L.S.S.:(voice only) The crate from the shipwreck was unloaded and delivered this morning, sir.
CHAIRMAN:Wonderful. I could use a bit of good news today.
Cut to a holographic display of the Meta's helmet. Cut to black.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Teaser Trailer

EPSILON:(voice over) A message to the Chairman of the Oversight Sub-Committee.
Fade in to the Battle of Crash Site Bravo.
EPSILON:(voice over) Dear Chairman, my name is Epsilon. Sometimes called Alpha; sometimes Church. You, of course, already know that, because if you are hearing this message, that means you must be heading the investigation of the incident on the planet Chorus. I believe I can make your job considerably easier.
Fade to black. Fade back in to the Blood Gulch Crew battling the space pirates at F.A.C. Outpost 37.
EPSILON:(voice over) Attached, you will find a series of documents and video files detailing the illegal and treasonous activities of your predecessor, Mr. Malcom Hargrove. I have entitled these files “Red vs. Blue.” You may want to pay particular attention to sections 11 through 13.
Fade to black. Fade back in to the Blood Gulch Crew disabling the radio jammer at Radio Jammer Station 1C.
EPSILON:(voice over) They contain everything I know about the men and women who fought bravely on Chorus, and I entrust their story to your care.
Fade to black. Fade back in to Kimball and the New Republic fighting Doyle and the Federal Army at Armonia.
EPSILON:(voice over) They were unique individuals. I fought both beside them, and against them, and…against them when I was supposed to be beside them. But in the end, they were my friends. And I will miss them dearly.
Fade to black. Fade in to Kimball, Doyle, and the Blood Gulch Crew confronting Hargrove inside a bunker at the New Republic Headquarters.
EPSILON:(voice over) If this message seems a bit maudlin, or perhaps even over-dramatic, I hope you will excuse me. This is, after all, ...the story of how I died.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 1: Prologue

Open in deep space. A lone Pelican is seen. A large ship, the UNSC Tartarus, emerges into frame. Cut to the interior of the ship.
MAYERS:There she is. (over the radio) Unidentified Pelican dropship, this is Captain Mayers of the UNSC Tartarus responding to your distress signal. Come in, over.
Cut to the interior of the Tartarus. A video of Chairman Malcolm Hargrove is playing on a soldier's computer.
MAYERS:Unidentified Pelican, please respond.
PELICAN READOUT ON COMPUTER TERMINAL SCREEN:57% DAMAGE TO EXTERNAL THRUSTER
PILOT:Eh. Comms are acting kind of funny. Maybe they can’t hear us?
STASSNEY:(watching an interview on KOX NEWS with Malcom Hargrove.) Or maybe they fell asleep at the wheel.
MAYERS:Pelican, can you just give us a sign that you’re reading us?
The Pelican’s lights flash once.
PILOT:Oh hey, she lives!
MAYERS:Pelican, are you able to make your way to our starboard docking bay? We’ll be able to assist you from there.
The Pelican's lights flash once
PILOT:Well. There you go.
MAYERS:Stassney, meet up with Blanton and Kilgore in docking. Let’s see what this is all about.
STASSNEY:Wait, how the hell you know that meant yes? What if two flashes means “yes,” and one flash means “stay away, alien zombies”?
Outside the Tartarus, the Pelican’s thrusters can be seen turning on before the Pelican moves toward the docking bay.
MAYERS:You were saying?
STASSNEY:(sighs) Fine. The signal sucks out here anyway.
Camera moves in toward the computer screen with Hargrove and the caption “WE ARE STILL AT WAR.”
HARGROVE:…and we should all prepare ourselves for whatever may come next.
Cut to Stassney on the upper level deck of the prisoner holding room, in front of a control panel. Various prisoners are shouting and heckling.
PRISONER 1:Hey Stassney, why we stoppin’?
PRISONER 2:Lemmee guess, you’re letting us go?
Prisoners laugh.
STASSNEY:(Striding past the cells.) Quiet down. Just picking up what I hope are hitchhiking cheerleaders.
PRISONER 3:In your dreams, asshole!
Cut to Stassney entering Starboard Docking Bay, as seen through a security camera.
BLANTON:Come on, Stas, hurry up.
KILGORE:It’s just…weird, seeing a military bird out here on her own like this, y’know?
STASSNEY:Oooh, maybe it’s some top secret covert ops. Some hush-hush “you never saw us” type of shit.
KILGORE:Yeah, and if we’re lucky they’ll kill you to keep this quiet.
BLANTON:Hey, we got a deadline to meet, all right? Ready up!
They turn to face the Pelican.
BLANTON:Pelican crew! You may now open your bay door and slowly exit the vehicle!
Pelican door opens and hatch descends. A silhouetted figure steps into view.
BLANTON:Hands in the air!
FELIX:(Hands up.) Yes, sir.
KILGORE:It’s…just one guy?
FELIX:(Chuckles) Won’t find anyone else on this ship.
BLANTON:Come on out. Take it slow.
Felix descends down the ramp.
STASSNEY:You all right?
FELIX:Yeah. I’m just glad ya found me.
STASSNEY:(Leaning toward Kilgore) This guy don’t sit right with me.
Cut to the Tartarus’ control deck. Crewmates are laughing.
STASSNEY:(Leaning on Felix’s shoulder, smacking the armor plate.) This guy is my fuckin’ hero!
FELIX:Oh come on, you tell me every single one of you wouldn’t have done the same thing. I mean, come on, am I right?
MAYERS:That is a helluva story, son, but it’s time we got you fixed up and went on our way. Lord knows we’ve wasted enough of the UNSC’s time.
FELIX:Well hey, are you hourly? (Crewmates laugh again.)
STASSNEY:Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!
FELIX:Seriously though, this ship looks like a fucking antique. Higher ups couldn’t spare the extra cash to fix her up?
STASSNEY:Ha. Yeah, right.
MAYERS:Military prison transport isn’t very high on their budgetary priorities. No use wasting money on cryo for lawbreakers. So they threw together a skeleton crew to make sure the cargo just makes it over alive.
FELIX:Yeesh. Kinda scary.
MAYERS:Nothing these men can’t handle.
STASSNEY:Yeah, we’ve got guns and the purge if things get bad, but the real killer out here is fuckin’ boredom.
FELIX:What about all the disappearances all over the news? Ships not making it to port? I mean, what do you do if you’re attacked?
KILGORE:Yeah, I doubt anybody’s coming for our cargo.
STASSNEY:It ain’t scavengers. I think it’s them fuckin’ aliens, man.
KILGORE:Not this again.
STASSNEY:Oh sure, they say we’re at peace, but you know them squid-heads will put a laser through our heads faster’n greased lightning if we gave ’em the chance!
SOLDIER WITH VISOR:Hey, that’s intolerant!
STASSNEY:You’re intolerant!
MAYERS:Quiet. (Crewmates settle down) Truth be told, no one gives a rat’s ass about the people on this ship. Anybody out there really wanted them, they could have them.
Crewmates chuckle.
FELIX:All right. I’ll take them.
STASSNEY:What—uh. What’cha mean?
FELIX:I mean, I’m going to kill you and take your prisoners.
The soldiers in the room share tense, uncomfortable looks.
STASSNEY:Huh?
Mayers hesitates, before unholstering his pistol and drawing it at Felix. Felix kicks it out of his hand, sending the gun flying into Stassney’s head. Felix punches Mayers in the face several times before heel-kicking Stassney in the groin, then snaps his arm into the base of Mayers’ neck, knocking him to the floor. Kilgore grabs Felix’s arm and spins him around just as Felix kicks Stassney in the head.
KILGORE:Come ‘ere!
Kilgore swings a punch at Felix in succession, both of which Felix catches, before twisting Kilgore’s arms and headbutting him. Felix descends into a ground-level kick, sweeping Kilgore out from under his feet and careening into a soldier.
KILGORE:Shit! Sorry!
Kilgore staggers around in a circle to face Felix, only to have his punch deflected, his body spun around, and his arm broken with a loud crunch. Soldier with Visor accidentally punches Kilgore, sending Kilgore sprawling to the floor.
STASSNEY:(Scrabbling for gun) Come on! Come on! (Shoots the soldier in the head)
Felix whirls around.
STASSNEY:Oh.
Felix rams into his legs, flipping Stassney on his back. Felix proceeds to unsheathe his knife and throw it at the pilot, embedding it in his face.
FELIX:Bullseye.
Mayers drags himself toward the command console and slams his hand into the security alarm. The ship goes dark as red lights and sirens start to blare and flash.
BLANTON:(In the docking bay) Huh-? (A cloaked figure behind him snaps his neck. Locus materializes into view, along with eight Space Pirates)
LOCUS:No survivors.
Scene transitions to control room. Generic Soldiers run into room.
GENERIC SOLDIER 1:Captain Mayers!
FELIX:(Standing behind Mayers’ body, propping him up like a puppet) At ease, gentlemen. (Pushes body aside and shoots the soldiers)
Stassney starts to reaches for the rifle of the dead soldier.
FELIX:Calm down, Stassney. I’m not gonna kill you.
STASSNEY:You—Y-You’re not?
FELIX:No. (Twirls gun in his hand.) He is.
STASSNEY:(Looks up to see Locus standing over him, his shotgun held at point-blank range.) Oh, son of a bitch-
Gun goes off. Cut to Locus and Felix walking side-by-side on a catwalk in the prisoner holding room, as Space Pirates are eliminating the remaining guards.
SPACE PIRATE 1:Sector 1, clear.
SPACE PIRATE 2:Sector 2, clear.
SPACE PIRATE 3:Sector 3, clear.
Prisoners yell from their cells.
LOCUS:(Grabs the intercom) Quiet.
Prisoners stop talking.
LOCUS:As of this moment, we are the new crew of this ship.
PRISONER:Well who the hell are you?
FELIX:(to Locus) Why don’t you let the people-person handle this, okay? (Takes the intercom from Locus) Listen up. We’re looking for soldiers who aren’t afraid of killing lots of people for lots of money. We don’t care who you are and we don’t care what you've done because quite frankly we’ve probably done a helluva lot worse. All we want are men who can follow orders and hold their own on the battlefield. We’re going to war, folks. Now, our enemies are weak, but there’s a lot of them, and they’ve got a couple of badass Freelancers agents on their side. But if you survive you’ll be rich enough to live out the rest of your lives as free men. (Prisoners murmur amongst themselves) Now, if this totally awesome idea doesn’t sound like your kind of job, we’ll let you off the ship. But if you’re willing to fight for your freedom, then please firmly grasp the bars of your cell in a sign of solidarity.
Several prisoners grab the cell bars.
FELIX:Well. All right then.
Felix flips up the lid over a red button labeled “PURGE” and slams it. Airlock doors in the prisoners’ cells open, sucking those that didn’t grab the bars, as well as those who did but were not strong enough to hold on, into the vacuum of space. Prisoners started to yell and scream in panic while Locus and Felix remain unaffected due to their gravity boots. Felix presses the button again, shutting the doors.
PRISONER:Oh my god!
LOCUS:(Over the intercom) Congratulations; you’re hired.
Cut to Felix and Locus reentering the control room.
FELIX:Before you say anything, yes, I know they triggered the alarm, and yes, I did have more fun because of it, thank you for asking.
LOCUS:These prisoners lack our men’s discipline.
FELIX:Control wants to even the numbers. You got a better idea?
Control room door slides open
SPACE PIRATE:Locus. Felix. We’ve got a prisoner who doesn’t really look up to par. Smartass put two and two together and tied his bedsheets around his waist before the purge.
FELIX:Quick thinking.
SPACE PIRATE:He asked to speak with you. Says he has something you need.
LOCUS:Bring him in.
The space pirate escorts the prisoner into the room.
COUNSELOR:Gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Aiden Price.
FELIX:Okay. Well, Price, here’s the deal: we’re looking for soldiers, not whatever the hell you’re supposed to be.
LOCUS:You say you have something we want?
COUNSELOR:No. I have something you need. The Freelancers you mentioned—am I correct in assuming they’re Agents Carolina and Washington?
LOCUS:How would you know that?
COUNSELOR:I know everything there is to know about my agents. As the…former counselor of Project Freelancer, I helped mold them. Psychiatric analyses. Medical histories. They’re all housed (taps the side of his head) right here. And I can give them to you.
FELIX:(Chuckles) Hate to cut your lifeline short, Counselor, but we’ve already got access to all of Freelancers’ confiscated records—
COUNSELOR:If you’re referring to the documents recovered by the UNSC, you should know that is merely the tip of the iceberg.
FELIX:(Levels his gun at the Counselor) I think you’re bluffing.
COUNSELOR:Did you know Agent Washington refuses Artificial Intelligence access to his neural implants? Or that Agent Carolina’s 57% more likely to neglect her teammates when presented with a competitive scenario? No? Then I also doubt you realize there is another inmate aboard this ship that shares a history with the Freelancers. One who would undoubtedly prove useful to you if he were properly guided.
FELIX:(Pulls his gun away) Quick thinker and quick talker! (Puts an arm around the Counselor’s shoulder.) We’re gonna get along great!
LOCUS:This second inmate—take us to him.
COUNSELOR:Of course.
Camera pans to monitor screen with Malcom Hargrove concluding his interview.
HARGROVE:Now, now, that’s enough questions for today.
Cut to the prison cell being opened by Locus, Felix, and the Counselor. The prisoner stands.
HARGROVE:(voice over) Remember. All good things must come to an end.
CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON THE PRISONER'S FACE, REVEALING A PROSTHETIC EYE, TATTOOS SIMILAR TO SHARKFACE'S ARMOR, AND SCARRING ALONG HIS FACE FROM BURNS. AS THE CAMERA PANS PAST THE PRISONER INTO SPACE, THE TITLE CARD APPEARS:Red vs. Blue: Season 13. Scene abruptly cuts to Caboose and Grif at an unknown base.
GRIF:Caboose!
CABOOSE:Gah! What?
GRIF:Have you seen-wait a minute, what the hell are you doing?
CABOOSE:Uhh. You ever get the feeling something really, really bad is going to happen?
GRIF:Only every single fucking time I have to talk to you.
Grif leaves.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 2: Capital Assets

Fade in to Armonia. A train is seen passing by.
ARMONIA, CAPITAL CITY OF CHORUS, DOWNTOWN
Cut to Grif shuffling past a rebel and a fed
REBEL:Good morning, Captain Grif.
GRIF:Hey.
FED:Good morning, Captain Grif!
GRIF:Yeah.
MATTHEWS:Oh. Oh! Captain Grif!
Grif stops in front of Matthews
GRIF:(sighs) Yes, Matthews?
MATTHEWS:Hey! Uh, uh, I just wanted to say, uh, thanks again for everything you and the other Reds and Blues did for us. If you guys hadn't shut down that radio jammer, we'd be dead!
GRIF:(sarcastically) Gosh Matthews, I really appreciate that! Almost as much as I did the other fifty-six times you thanked me!
MATTHEWS:Oh, good. I was worried it would might start to come off as annoying.
GRIF:It does, that was sarcasm.
MATTHEWS:Just gonna repress that!
GRIF:What?
MATTHEWS:Oh, Captain Grif! Uh, good to see you. I wanted to thank you for-
GRIF:(grunts) Look, do you know where Kimball is? I need to talk to her.
MATTHEWS:Kimball? Uh, I'm pretty sure I saw her in the armory a little while ago.
GRIF:Great, thanks.
Grif leaves.
MATTHEWS:...Do you need an escort?
GRIF:(offscreen) NO!
Cut to the armory, where Simmons is seen giving a line of Feds and Rebels weapons. Lopez is seen inside the armory garage.
SIMMONS:Alright, explain to me again, why do you need a .50 caliber chaingun?
GUNMAN FED:...Because I'm a gunman.
SIMMONS:Yeah, yeah, I know, I get that. You keep saying that. I mean, why do you need it right now?
REBEL 1:Hey G-man, hurry up!
GUNMAN FED:Well, I mean, how else are people gonna know what I do around here?
SIMMONS:You're a soldier. Everyone's a soldier! You shoot at people, who shoot at you, until one of you dies from all the shooting!
GUNMAN FED:Yeah, but that's what I'm sayin'. Without my big gun, I just look like all the regular soldiers.
SIMMONS:No you don't! You've got white armor and red stripes!
Donut suddenly pops up next to Simmons.
DONUT:Ugh, and they're just awful. I'm thinking we go bold. Maybe red armor with white stripes!
GUNMAN FED:Huh?
SIMMONS:(sighs) Donut, just because you're in charge of uniforms, doesn't mean you get to redecorate the entire army. Besides, that'll completely ruin his camouflage.
DONUT:What camouflage?
Cut to the line of soldiers.
SIMMONS:Huh. Good point. How the hell have you not been shot yet?
GUNMAN FED:What?
FED SOLDIER:It's because the New Republic can't aim for shit.
REBEL SOLDIER:Wanna say that to my face, punk?
SIMMONS:Hey, cut it out! The armory is no place for violence. Now calm down, or I'm not gonna to give you a gun.
REBEL SOLDIER:(offscreen) He started it.
FED SOLDIER:(groans)
Cut to Grif striding up to Simmons and Donut.
GRIF:Outta my way. Captain on deck. Official officer business.
Grif stops in front of Simmons
SIMMONS:Grif, what do you want? Can't you see we're busy?
GRIF:Where's Kimball?
SIMMONS:I don't know. Where were you during training this morning?
GRIF:Where do you guys train again?
SIMMONS:(exasperatedly) In the training room.
GRIF:Oh, right, yeah. Literally anywhere but there.
DONUT:Well I think I heard Miss Kimball was inspecting the troops over there a little while ago.
GRIF:Aw man. Really?
LOPEZ:¡Oye! 
CAPTION:Hey!
Grif, Simmons, and Donut turn towards Lopez.
LOPEZ:¡Mientras estás ahí, dígale a Jensen que deje de conducir los coches que ella arregla! Conduce como una adolescente y una abuela que fueron combinadas de alguna forma, y que también eran ciegas. 
CAPTION:While you're there, tell Jensen to stop driving cars that she fixes! She drives like a teenager and a grandmother who were somehow combined, and were also blind.
GRIF:Lopez? I don't speak Spanish. I have never spoken Spanish.
SIMMONS:Yeah, get with the times and just assimilate.
LOPEZ:Bien. Voy a cortarle los frenos a tu próximo Warthog.
CAPTION:Cool. I'm cutting the brakes on your next Warthog.
GRIF:See ya', dickheads.
Gunman Fed, Simmons, and Donut temporarily turn towards Grif as he walks away. Gunman Fed then turns back to Simmons and Donut.
GUNMAN FED:Do you really think my stripes are awful?
Cut to the training room, where the lieutenants are firing at cones. Three cones are knocked down, while the final shot misses the last cone.
WASHINGTON:Lieutenant Palomo!
PALOMO:Yes, Agent Washington, sir.
WASHINGTON:Explain to me how, in light of your recent promotion, you somehow managed to be worst at target practice.
PALOMO:(hurriedly) Uh, because the newly-added pressure of my rank makes me second-guess my actions more frequently in hopes I won't let down my fellow peers.
WASHINGTON:Well I don't-! Oh. Um, I mean, that's understandable, Lieutenant.
PALOMO:Also, I've been trying to make a smiley face for like, 9 minutes.
Cut to a crudely made "smiley face" made out of bullet holes.
PALOMO:Nailed it.
Cut to Grif walking in.
GRIF:Wash!
WASHINGTON:(sighs) Now what.
GRIF:Where's Kimball?
WASHINGTON:(sarcastic) Oh! Captain Grif. How nice of you to join us. We missed you at practice this morning.
GRIF:(chuckles) Yeah. That's probably because I wasn't there.
WASHINGTON:So you weren't. Which is why everyone is going to give me three laps around the training facility.
All four lieutenants turn to him.
PALOMO:(together) Aww!
JENSEN:(together) What the-?!
BITTERS:(together) That's not fair!
SMITH:(together) Yes sir!
WASHINGTON:Get moving.
Grif turns to Washington.
GRIF:(shocked) You're punishing them?
WASHINGTON:Remedial training. Disciplining a group for the actions of a single soldier leads to social pressures that typically result in the easy correction of an undesirable behavior. Classic military strategy.
Cut to the four lieutenants running.
BITTERS:(angrily) Thanks a lot, fuckface!
WASHINGTON:So. Are you ready to begin today's training?
GRIF:Uhh.. No?
WASHINGTON:All right then. Let's make it four laps!
SMITH:Yes sir!
The other three lieutenants groan in protest.
JENSEN:I'm gonna have an asthma attack!
WASHINGTON:How're you feeling now?
GRIF:I feel like this military's fucking weird.
WASHINGTON:FIVE LAPS!
SMITH:Yes sir!
The other three groan again.
GRIF:Man! This is the best punishment ever!
WASHINGTON:What do you need Kimball for, anyways? She's in the middle of a meeting with Doyle.
GRIF:So, she's in the war room?
WASHINGTON:I- Wait wait wait wait wait. No. You're not going anywhere until-
GRIF:(as he walks off) Sorry dude, gotta go, uh, just punish the rebels some more. I'm sure I'll learn my lesson.
WASHINGTON:(sighs) Goddamn it.
The four lieutenants return.
SMITH:Whew. We sure showed him.
Bitters and Jensen wheeze. Palomo collapses to the ground as Washington turns towards them. Cut to the war room, where Kimball and Doyle are seen.
KIMBALL:I don't care if your men prefer it, the fact to the matter is we are going to run out of ammunition faster.
DOYLE:But you're not taking the statistical advantage into account! Yes, the standard issue Assault Rifle has a fire rate of fifteen rounds per second, but if those rounds aren't being fired at the enemy, then that means we have fifteen chances to kill the enemy, every time we pull the trigger!
KIMBALL:Without our mercenaries bringing in supplies, we need to make every bullet count.
DOYLE:Are you doubting my soldiers' skill in the battlefield?
KIMBALL:I am doubting so much more than that.
DOYLE:(sighs) Ms. Kimball, it has been over a month since we began this truce, and there has yet to be a single day where you have not tested its strength.
KIMBALL:Well, that's probably because I don't like you!
GRIF:Hey!
Cuts to Grif
GRIF:We've got a problem!
DOYLE:(bitterly) Is it tan with a blue visor?
GRIF:Now, I'm what most people consider a hero, like a firefighter, or the guy who invented the microwave, or, uh, the Oreo dude.
KIMBALL:... Okay?
GRIF:So what I want to know, is why a hero, like myself, is not allowed to have second helpings in the mess hall!
DOYLE:Umm...because we're low on food.
KIMBALL:Oh, so you have the common sense to ration our meals, but not our ammo?
DOYLE:That is hardly relev-
KIMBALL:(interrupting, agitated) Hardly relevant?!
GRIF:Hey!
The two leaders turn to him.
GRIF:I know you guys are having a hard time playing nice, but there are bigger things at stake right now.
KIMBALL:Get out.
GRIF:Like steak, for instance.
KIMBALL:Get. Out.
GRIF:We need bigger ones.
KIMBALL:(annoyed) Grif! Leave! Now.
GRIF:(awkwardly) ... So, are we just going to put a pin in this, or-
KIMBALL:Oh my god, will someone just put him on dish duty for the rest of the day?
GRIF:What?
REBEL SOLDIER:Come on, sir. Let's go.
Grif is escorted away by the Rebel soldier.
GRIF:(offscreen) This is some bullshit!
KIMBALL:Can we just talk about something else for a minute?
DOYLE:Well, the reason I originally came to speak with you was to inform you of the status our men's most recent assault.
KIMBALL:(turning to Doyle) Wait, they radio'ed in? What happened?
DOYLE:Well...
Cut to Charon Research Complex 2C, where Sarge and Tucker are shown singing along to Another One Bites the Dust in front of three captured space pirates. Tucker is shown dancing.
CHARON RESEARCH COMPLEX 2C
SARGE:(singing) What?
TUCKER:(singing) Another one bites the dust! Oh yeah! Another one gone, another one gone, another one bites the dust! Ugh! Yeah! Ooh! We. Kicked. Your. Ass. Bitch! (end with giving the mercs two middle fingers.)
SARGE:Get down with your bad self!
CAROLINA:(amused) Alright, that's enough. We just took their base. No need for cruel and unusual punishments.
Sarge and Tucker approach Carolina.
SARGE:Are you sure? I could drop some sick beats on them. Y'know, bust some rhymes, make it old-school.
He chuckles at the thought.
CHURCH:(suddenly materializing) Oh for god's sakes. Please don't.
SARGE:(grunts) Square.
CAROLINA:Come on. Let's get this place sorted out. Intel says they were keeping some Freelancer equipment here.
CHURCH:Right. Sarge, why don't you go check on the Feds. Tucker, are you down to handle the Rebels?
TUCKER:Yeah, yeah.
The two head off.
CHURCH:In all the years we spent in the canyon, when the hell did he learn to dance?
CAROLINA:(turning behind her) I've got bigger questions on my mind right now.
CHURCH:(turns around as well) Yeah? Like what?
Cut to a mysterious figure in the distance.
CAROLINA:Like what else was Charon studying out here?


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 3: What's Yours is Ours

Fade in to Charon Research Complex 2C. A Fed approaches Carolina and Epsilon staring at the alien tower.
FED SOLDIER 1:Agent Carolina, we've retrieved what appears to be a domed energy shield from within the complex.
CAROLINA:The bubble shield? Are you sure?
FED SOLDIER 1:Uhh...
Cut to two Fed soldiers.
FED SOLDIER 2:What's it do?
The other fed flicks the handle and activates the shield, knocking the soldier back. A scream is heard offscreen, followed by a clatter. Cut back to outside the complex.
FED SOLDIER 1:Yeah, we're pretty sure.
CAROLINA:That's great. We can hook it up and start running some tests in a few hours.
CHURCH:(turning to Carolina) Hey, whoawhoawhoa, slow down. What about the giant floating tower in the sky? Did you forget about that crazy bullshit?
FED SOLDIER 1:What, the temple?
Carolina and Church turn to him.
FED SOLDIER 1:(skeptical) That the aliens made?
CHURCH:I'm sorry. What?
CAROLINA:You're familiar with that structure?
FED SOLDIER 1:I- I mean I think most of us are, yeah.
CHURCH:Alright, I'm gonna stop you right there. You're telling me that people on this planet are just used to seeing flying space shit like that?
FED SOLDIER 1:Pretty much.
He turns to another Fed soldier walking by.
FED SOLDIER 1:(shouts) Hey Randy! You 'ever seen one of those alien towers before?
RANDY:(shouts) Oh yeah! My dad took me to one when I was a kid!
FED SOLDIER 1:They're nice, right?
RANDY:Oh yeah! They had funnel cake outside, too!
FED SOLDIER 1:Oh, I remember that!
RANDY:(chuckles as he walks off) Yeah. Good times.
FED SOLDIER 1:(turns back to Carolina and Church) So yeah, I mean, pretty common.
CHURCH:How is this not a bigger deal?
FED SOLDIER 1:Well, come on, man. I mean, they've been around forever and they don't really do anything-
CHURCH:(agitated) IT'S A GIANT FLYING TOWER!
FED SOLDIER 1:And you're a dead guy that's also somehow an AI, okay? That shit's weird too, but you don't hear me going on about it.
CAROLINA:Enough. Just secure the Freelancer equipment. Epsilon and I will be by in a few minutes.
FED SOLDIER 1:(sighs as he walks back inside) Yes ma'am.
Cut to the two facing the mysterious alien temple.
CHURCH:But I don't care what these guys say, those towers aren't some fucking tourist trap. They're important. Remember the tractor beams? At Crash Site Alpha? Charon is studying these things and making them do shit. That's bad.
CAROLINA:I get it. So, who would you say is our resident expert on alien technology?
Cut to Doctor Emily Grey squealing.
GREY:Conducting research in the field! Oh, I knew today was gonna be a good day!
CAROLINA & CHURCH:(reluctantly) Hello, Doctor Grey.
GREY:Oh, I can't tell you how nice it is to get out of the office and away from all the complaining! "My leg hurts!" "I need blood!" "But I don't want to have a robot arm!"
CAROLINA:(exchanging a glance with Church before turning back) ... Right. Well, the reason we called you here is-
GREY:(interrupting) To investigate the alien temple Charon’s been studying, yes dear, you told me on the radio. Not surprising, really; emerged from the ground shortly after UNSC pulled out, never did anything sadly but that doesn’t mean that they won’t! Thankfully, I spent time brushing up on their history in between college internships. Aren’t you so happy we’re such close friends?
CAROLINA:(skeptical) I am...so thankful.
Tucker and Sarge walk up.
TUCKER:Oh great, the mad scientist finally showed up.
SARGE:Hey, what’s the status on that robot arm I ordered?
GREY:Still in the trial stages, Colonel! Volunteers are proving hard to come by.
SARGE:Well, that’s ridiculous.
CHURCH:Yeah, robot parts just... aren’t really all they’re cracked up to be. Trust me.
CAROLINA:Why don’t you go take a look at Charon’s research? Epsilon and I have a few armor upgrades to take care of.
GREY:Don’t mind if I do!
She and Carolina walk off, and a teleportation grenade activates once they’re gone, revealing Simmons and Grif flat on their backs. They get up with some groaning.
GRIF:Gah! I hate that.
SIMMONS:At least you don’t get headaches...
SARGE:Grif! Simmons! You’re late!
GRIF:(sighs) You were saying?
TUCKER:What took you guys? It’s instant teleportation.
SIMMONS:Well, we had to make sure Lopez and Donut could handle things while we were gone.
TUCKER:You hand out weapons and ammo, how hard can it be?
Simmons and Grif exchange a look. Cut to the armory, where Lopez and Donut are facing a line of soldiers.
LOPEZ:Bienvenido a la armería. ¿Cómo podemos ayudarlo?
CAPTION:Welcome to the armory. How may we assist you?
DONUT:Lopez says you’re two days late on your weapon rental!
LOPEZ:¡¿Por qué insistes en traducir por mí cuando les podrías hablar ti mismo no más?!
CAPTION:Why do you insist on translating for me, when you could just be talking to them yourself?!
DONUT:Whoa, no need to call the man a turkey baster, Lopez! Everyone makes mistakes. (whispering to the Fed soldier in front of him) Forgive him, it’s his fiery Latin temper.
Cut back to Simmons and Grif.
SIMMONS:Yeah, harder than you think.
GRIF:So, you got the goods?
SARGE:You’re darn right we do!
Cut to the goods.
SARGE:(excitedly) Weapons! Ammo! Laser beams! You name it! It’s Christmas come early! Unless you’re looking at it from the pirates’ point of view, in which case, it’s kinda the opposite.
TUCKER:Hanukkah?
SIMMONS:Excellent work, sir. Another enemy outpost taken down. I just wish I could’ve been there to see you on the battlefield.
TUCKER:Why don’t you guys come with us on the next mission?
SIMMONS:Whohohokay, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.
GRIF:Better start packing this stuff up.
He throws a teleportation grenade, and the pile of weapons, ammo, and laser beams disappear instantly.
GRIF:Well, that’s enough back-breaking labor for one day.
The PA system crackles to life.
GREY:(shouts) Eureka!
GRIF:Ow.
GREY:(over the PA system) I made a discovery!
TUCKER:Damn. And I thought I was fast.
GRIF:What?
TUCKER:I mean, uh, what? Nothing.
SOLDIER:(over the PA system, with the sound of a struggle) Ma’am, g-give me back the microphone!
GREY:(over the PA system) Hold on!
A crash is heard offscreen.
GREY:All Freelancer-related people, get your butts in here!
SOLDIER:(over the PA system) Ma’am! Please, calm down!
GREY:(over the PA system) You have no appreciation for modern science!
There is more clattering; the PA system turns off. Cut to inside the facility, where Grey is standing facing Grif, Simmons, Tucker, and Sarge. Carolina walks in.
CAROLINA:That was fast.
TUCKER:Look, it’s completely normal, okay?
CHURCH:Wait, what?
GREY:(screams) Quiet! (clears throat) Thank you. Now, say what you want about our enemies-
SIMMONS:They suck.
SARGE:They’re dirtbags.
TUCKER:Total dicks.
CHURCH:Yeah, not an invitation to talk, guys.
GREY:-but you can’t discount their ambition. Or intelligence, for that matter.
CAROLINA:(looking around) There’s a reason Chairman Hargrove got to where he is now.
GREY:This compound isn’t one of Charon’s typical munitions factories or radio jammers. They’re not disassembling alien artifacts here, they’re trying to turn them back on. And that tower you saw seems to be their primary target.
CHURCH:Ohh, see, who called that? Me!
SIMMONS:So what does it do?
GREY:That’s exactly what I intend to find out! Now, who’s down for a field trip?
TUCKER:(confusedly) Uhhh, what?
GREY:Well, if I’m going to take a look at this tower, I’ll require an escort. How about you, Simmons, you’ve always seemed intelligent.
SIMMONS:Oh! Thank you!
GREY:Well, compared to your friends.
SIMMONS:Wh- why did you feel the need to add that?
GRIF:No way! This shit’s got Blue Team Problems written all over it.
TUCKER:Aw, c’mon, man!
GRIF:Hey, you’re the one that grabs swords and fucks aliens, alright? So don’t come crying to me.
CAROLINA:Epsilon and I should stay behind in case Charon launches a counterattack.
CHURCH:Yeah, and I can try to get through some of this data while you’re out.
SARGE:(chuckles) Well, don’t you worry about it, little lady, me and Aquaman over here can handle whatever diabolical schemes those no-good space pirates may be preparing for us this very moment.
GREY:Oh no, you’ll mainly just be carrying my survey equipment to the site.
SARGE:Ah. Right! Then we’ll... carry... that stu- we’ll carry the shit outta that stuff.
TUCKER:Mm, fine, let’s just get this over with.
GREY:Actually, a four-man team would be ideal. You wouldn’t happen to know of anyone else you could spare to help us, would you?
CHURCH:(appears next to Tucker) Oh, I can think of someone.
TUCKER:Please don’t.
Cut to outside, where Caboose has just arrived via teleportation grenade. Tucker and Church are standing in the background, watching him.
CABOOSE:Field trip! Woooo! (sprints around) We are going to a field! Oh my god! This is going to be...amazing! Field trip!(runs off yelling something incoherent)
TUCKER:Church?
CHURCH:Yeah?
TUCKER:You’re dead to me.
CHURCH:(sarcastic) Yeah, that’s tough, I’ll cry on the inside, don’t forget to pack his lunch.
Fade out to credits.
CHURCH:Also, he needs to take that pill twice a day.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 4: Tourist Trap

Fade in to a base near the alien temple. Sarge is looking out over it, with Grey and Tucker behind him. It seems deserted.
CHARON EXCAVATION SITE
SARGE:Huh. Looks deserted.
TUCKER:I’ve heard that one before.
GREY:It’s likely any remaining Charon personnel would’ve retreated after you took their research complex. Or maybe they’re at lunch. I’m hungry...
TUCKER:Well, how do we know for sure?
Zoom in to Caboose on a rock.
CABOOSE:IS ANYBODY STILL HERE?!
TUCKER, GREY, AND SARGE:(in unison) Caboose!
CABOOSE:WHAT? OH, SORRY-- um, sorry.
SARGE:You big blue idiot, you’ll give away our position!
Sarge climbs up onto the rock.
SARGE:IF YOU’RE STILL HERE, JUST IGNORE THAT LAST BIT!
TUCKER:Good save, Sarge.
GREY:Caboose, if you could, please, have Freckles run a thermal scan of the area.
CABOOSE:Ah, yes. (he brings his rifle up) Um, hey, Freckles?
FRECKLES:Yes, Captain Caboose?
CABOOSE:Oh, yes, uh, Freckles, could you go ahead and give me a... thermal... sweater to the base... thing.
FRECKLES:Affirmative.
TUCKER:Heat scanners and Google Translate. Nice.
GREY:If you put the brain of a killing machine into an assault rifle, you don’t cut corners.
SARGE:Can you give it control over the safety?
FRECKLES:Affirmative. Also, I heard that.
SARGE:Whoa-oh. (steps back)
GREY:Don’t worry! My tests determined that it was actually safer to give Freckles full control of the rifle rather than Caboose.
TUCKER:How’d you test that?
GREY:I gave Caboose the rifle for about five seconds.
TUCKER:Makes sense.
GREY:What a busy day at the hospital that turned out to be!
SARGE:So what happens when you pull the trigger?
GREY:It releases confetti and makes a fun party sound! (A fun party sound immediately is heard offscreen.)
CABOOSE:...Tucker did it.
Cut to the base, where Sarge, Grey, and Caboose are standing near some boxes. Tucker comes running out of the base.
TUCKER:Yep, the place is definitely deserted.
SARGE:We already knew that!
TUCKER:Yeah, but I just wanted to make extra sure! You know, for extra safety. Oh look, you finished moving all of Grey’s tools without me, maaan, bummer.
SARGE:(grunts) You wouldn’t happen to be related to the Grif family, would ya?
TUCKER:I mean, I had relations with his sister! Bow chicka bow-wow!
CABOOSE:Awwwww... yeah, I don’t get it.
GREY:Right. Let’s begin! (clears throat and starts what sounds like a tape recorder) (nonchalantly) This is the audio recording of Dr. Emily Grey, number 05519. Upon arriving at the excavation site, I made several observations. One; there’s a large alien structure protruding from the ground and extending into the sky. Two; (excited) it’s nice and sunny out today and I love it! End log.
TUCKER:Ladies and gentlemen, the smartest person on the entire planet.
CABOOSE:I know! It’s really intimidating.
TUCKER:Shut up.
SARGE:So. What’s up, doc?
GREY:Well, that depends! Who here speaks alien?
TUCKER:Church taught me a swear word.
SARGE:No hablo espanol.
CABOOSE:I only know Wingdings.
TUCKER:What, like the font?
CABOOSE:It’s a very misunderstood language.
GREY:Okay! I’m just gonna take all of that as a no, so why don’t you all keep watch while I investigate the ruins?
TUCKER:Ugh. Fine.
SARGE:Roger that!
CABOOSE:Yes! Square plate diamond snowflake happy face!
EMILY:(looking up at the temple) Now then! Let’s see what you’re hiding...
ARMONIA, ARMORY
Back to the armory. A future-cube sound announces the arrival of Grif and Simmons.
SIMMONS:We’re back!
DONUT:(running up to them) Finally! I don’t know what has gotten into Lopez today.
GRIF:Well, have fun sorting through all the junk. I got a date with some crackers and a can of Cheez Whiz.
Grif throws a teleportation grenade to the ground and all the weapons from the research complex reappear.
SIMMONS:Really, Grif?
GRIF:Nah, I’ll probably skip the crackers.
Grif starts to walk off, then stops in his tracks.
GRIF:What the...?
An array of Fed and New Republic soldiers are standing in wait for him, with the lieutenants at the front of the crowd.
PALOMO:Oh, hey, Grif.
GRIF:Uhhh. Hello?
JENSEN:Can’t help but notice you haven’t been by the training room yet.
GRIF:Is... Wash still making--
SMITH:Yup.
GRIF:...and all of them are--
BITTERS:Real tired of running laps.
GRIF:...yeah. I gotta go--
PALOMO:Take him! Take him now!
Everyone charges at Grif, and the sound of a fight ensues.
GRIF:No! They made me do the dishes!
Cut back to the tower, where Grey is crouched in front of some alien text while Tucker paces in the background.
TUCKER:Bored. Bored. Boooored. Bored.
GREY:Captain Tucker, why don’t you patrol somewhere else?
TUCKER:No way! I wanna be here for whenever you find out how to turn this thing on.
GREY:Why?
TUCKER:Uhh. Because it’s probably gonna look awesome as shit? With like holographic lasers in the sky. I want a front row seat for that.
GREY:You know, I bet you’d have just as good of a view if you joined your friends at the base.
Cut to the base, with an upward pan to Sarge and Caboose.
CABOOSE:Hey.
SARGE:Yeah?
CABOOSE:You ever wonder...
An awkward pause with a shot of Sarge waiting.
SARGE:Wonder what?
CABOOSE:Ah, um, sorry, kinda spaced out. Is that Church? (Freckles fires, with fun party noise) Nope. Rock.
Cut back to Tucker and Grey.
TUCKER:Pass.
GREY:Oh, well, then perhaps you could find something more productive to do with your time.
TUCKER:Like what?
GREY:I don’t know. Practice aiming, or pushups or... whatever it is you soldiers do.
TUCKER:Pfff. Practice aiming. Nobody does that.
Cut to Donut with a Plasma Rifle.
DONUT:Freeze! Reach for the sky, mercenary scum!
SIMMONS:Donut, put that down! It’s not a toy, it’s... wait, what is that?
DONUT:I dunno. It was in the pile of laser weapons you and Grif brought back.
SIMMONS:Looks like an old plasma rifle. Guess it got shipped by mistake.
DONUT:So does that mean I can keep it?
SIMMONS:Well, Kimball did say all the alien stuff was broken. But I still can’t help but feel that you’re setting a bad example for the children.
DONUT:Children?
SIMMONS:Oh, right, right, Caboose went with Sarge, uh, yeah fuck it, go nuts.
DONUT:Yes! Agent Double-0 Donut is back in action! (goes back to aiming)
Someone clears his throat offscreen. A wider shot reveals that Donut is aiming at a New Republic soldier waiting patiently at the armory. He has his hands up.
NEW REPUBLIC SOLDIER:Um... so yeah, can I get my rifle now?
DONUT:I’m on the case! (he walks off)
NEW REPUBLIC SOLDIER:(sighs) I bet the Feds never had to put up with this.
Cut to Tucker, who’s doing a little "practice" aiming.
TUCKER:Boosh! Hah! Oh, oh what, you talkin’ to me? Hm, you talking’ to me, huh? Yeah! Hi-yah!
Cut to Grey still hard at work.
GREY:(sighs) Bet the Rebels never had to put up like this.
TUCKER:Oh, so you want a rematch, huh? (chuckles) Well, if you insist.
Tucker pulls out his sword, which is immediately followed by a holographic projection lighting up a symbol over the door.
TUCKER:Huh? Uh, hey doc?
GREY:Transcribing! Please don’t interrupt! ‘Weapon’... ‘weapon’... why does it all say ‘weapon’? Oh!
TUCKER:I think I found something!
GREY:Not now, please, I may have just made a breakthrough! What is that word...?
TUCKER:(slowly approaching the door) Okay, yeah, but I really think you wanna see this.
GREY:Is it... ‘key’?
TUCKER:This is some serious weird alien-- (as he approaches the door, an alien projection appears in red) SHIT!
Tucker stumbles back, swiping the the alien projection with his sword in the process. The alien disappears and the symbol over the door looks distinctly... unlocked. Everything starts shaking.
GREY:What did you do?!
TUCKER:I... have no idea.
Everything fades to white. Cut to the research outpost, where Fed and New Republic soldiers watch the tower light up. The scene then cuts back to the armory, where Donut is still brandishing his new gun, this time at Simmons.
DONUT:Down on yer knees, pilgrim!
SIMMONS:Donut, cut it out! ...wait, are you supposed to be a spy or a cowboy?
Donut’s gun suddenly activates and starts shooting on his own while he yelps in surprise.
SIMMONS:(ducking) Ahh! What the fuck! Oh my god!
Weapons and transportation grenades suddenly activate,  causing Donut and Simmon's to scream in panic.
SIMMONS:Ahhhh, god why, what is happening!
The weapons soon stop firing. Simmons takes a couple of extra seconds of screaming to be sure. Lopez walks in.
LOPEZ:No voy a limpiar eso.
CAPTION:I’m not cleaning that up.
Fade back in to Tucker and Grey. A huge array of alien weapons and vehicles are hovering in front of them. Sarge and Caboose come running up.
SARGE:What in the heck just happened? Where’d all those guns come from?
TUCKER:Did you see that?
SARGE:Of course we did!
CABOOSE:Yeah! I mean... I mean, the view wasn’t that great but, um, yeah we got the gist of it.
TUCKER:Told you!
A massive booming voice starts speaking an alien language.
CABOOSE:...um. What.
GREY:It’s... alien.
TUCKER:No shit!
The voice says something again.
GREY:Well, say something!
TUCKER:Uh. What’s up?
A giant, alien, extremely dramatic sound. Everything shakes and there’s another flash of white light. A shot from back at the research outpost shows the tower darkening. The weapons disappear, and whatever just happened appears to have undone itself.
TUCKER:...whoa.
Sarge tackles Tucker and starts punching him while he’s down.
TUCKER:Ow!
SARGE:When the voice! Of alien! Jesus! Calls down to you! You do not! Respond with ‘what’s up’! (Tucker groans)
GREY:Tucker. Do you have any idea what you just did?
TUCKER:(getting up) Mm, I don’t know, suffered a concussion?
GREY:You just activated technology that’s been dormant for thousands of years.
A holographic map appears over the door, with a blinking light. near the center.
GREY:And now I think it wants you to go somewhere.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 5: No Fighting in the War Room

Fade in to a tractor beam tower at Crash Site Alpha. Numerous pirates present.
COUNSELOR:(off screen) He's been calling himself "Sharkface".
Cut to inside of the tower. The Counselor is speaking with Felix and Locus.
FELIX:What is he, a Batman villain?
TRACTOR BEAM TOWER A
COUNSELOR:His physical appearance, combined with a deep-seated sense of contrarianism seems-
FELIX:(interrupts) Oh my god, shut up. I don't care.
LOCUS:Can we use him?
COUNSELOR:If we continue our sessions, absolutely.
LOCUS:Good.
FELIX:(snorts) "Sharkface", "Locus". Whatever happened to normal fucking names? I mean, am I crazy?!
COUNSELOR:Well...
FELIX:(stands up, pointing to the Counselor) Don't psychoanalyze me.
The lights suddenly go out. All three look around.
COUNSELOR:What was that?
A Space Pirate calls to the mercs over the radio.
SPACE PIRATE 1:(on radio) Locus, Felix. We've got a problem.
LOCUS:Report.
SPACE PIRATE 1:Our teleporters malfunctioned. They just detonated.
FELIX:How many?
SPACE PIRATE 1:Well...em...all of them.
Locus and Felix look at each other. Suddenly, a red light appears behind them. They turn to it. Cut to the war room at Armonia. Doyle, Kimball, Wash and the Reds communicating with Carolina, Epsilon, Tucker, Caboose, Sarge and Dr. Grey.
ARMONIA WAR ROOM
DOYLE:(yelling) Emily!! Please, slow down.
GREY:Slow down?! General, the alien weapons, the vehicles, all of the artifacts we've found over the years, they weren't broken! They were just deactivated!! And Tucker's sword made them work!
SARGE:For all of two seconds.
KIMBALL:How is that possible?
TUCKER:Well, it's kinda like a sword and a key.
KIMBALL:What does that even mean?
CHARON RESEARCH COMPLEX 2C
TUCKER:Yeah, I was part of this "Great Prophecy" thing, because I took a sword-key from a tower and then an alien took on a quest to get a ship, but in the end it all kinda turned out to be an excuse to get me knocked up and have an alien baby.
DOYLE:You've...reproduced?
TUCKER:(produces a picture, showing it to the camera) Fuck yeah, Junior is awesome! Check him out and his 5th grade basketball team!
Picture shows Junior, grown-up, along with five other kids, all holding basketballs.
TUCKER:(sighs) They grow up so fast.
DOYLE:Well, that's the last thing I thought I'd see today. Or ever.
TUCKER:Yeah, I know. Who carries around actual photographs anymore?
WASHINGTON:Alright, focus. Let's go over what we know.
SIMMONS:Well, whatever Tucker did caused all of our teleportation grenades to explode, fried Charon's weapons and almost got me killed. Good going asshole.
CAROLINA:Actually, this could be perfect.
SARGE:Well, maybe if Simmons had been replaced with Grif, and instead of "almost killed", he was...
GRIF:(interrupts) Stop.
CAROLINA:The alien weapons may have been active for a few seconds, but Charon's hybrid tech is still inoperable.
GREY:Whatever pieces they took from the alien technology and crammed into their own, likely short-circuited the equipment when it tried to come back online.
SARGE:Which means the Space Pirates ain't got their fancy lasers no more!
GRIF:Yeah, but neither do we!
WASHINGTON:That doesn't matter.
GRIF:Speak for yourself! That's two badass alien weapons I've lost now!
WASHINGTON:Charon has always had the technological advantage over us. The only reason we've managed to win these last few weeks was because we have them outnumbered.
DOYLE:And yet we still lose troops with every victory.
KIMBALL:True, but now we have them outnumbered and outgunned. Without their toys they've got nothing more than standard UNSC weaponry. It's an even playing field.
SIMMONS:You know, I've been working with weapons a lot lately and I'd just like to point out, that the standard UNSC weaponry can still put a fucking hole in your skull.
DOYLE:We've also yet to encounter Locus or Felix since they left.
WASHINGTON:We'll deal with them, when the time comes. Right, Carolina?
CAROLINA:(hesitantly) Right, of course.
CHURCH:What are you thinking, Kimball?
KIMBALL:Yes, we have been doing well these past few weeks, but we still can't make contact with the UNSC and we have no idea how many jammers Charon installed on Chorus. For all we know they could have some on the moon. I'm not sure how much longer these small victories will be able to keep our heads above the water, so maybe it's time we aim higher? The tractor beams at Crash Site Alpha are the only things keeping us from leaving the planet.
DOYLE:Y-you can't possibly be suggesting, that-
KIMBALL:If we take them down, we can send a ship to bring help!
WASHINGTON:The mercs have to know that. Those towers are probably the most heavily defended targets on the planet, especially now.
DOYLE:Yes, precisely!
KIMBALL:We lose people with every fight. You said so yourself. If we don't make a move now, while they're weak, we're going to keep losing people until there is no one left!
TUCKER:Woah-woah-woah, hold up! What about the map? After that big boy turned off the tower, it showed us a map and some coordinates.
CABOOSE:Tucker's right. Could be buried treasure.
SARGE:Or a stockpile of alien weapons that melt your face off! Or turn you to stone. Or turn stones into people!
CAROLINA:They have a point. Taking Crash Site Alpha is possible, but not without heavy losses. Those coordinates could lead us to something that might save lives.
GRIF:Uh, yeah. "Could"?
CHURCH:One tower took out all of Charon's weapons. There's no telling what another one could do. I mean, hell! If it gives us a way to turn the other tower back on, we can add badass alien lasers to the armory! Why else are we in this war?!
SIMMONS:And I get to add another weapon category to the armory spreadsheet.
TUCKER:Nerd.
SIMMONS:Organizing data's not nerdy, it's efficient! Come on, Church is a computer. He knows what I'm talking about.
CHURCH:(to Tucker) Yeah, that nerd doesn't speak for me.
GRIF:Hey, that reminds me. If we're here, who's running the armory?
Cut to the armory with Smith outside, apparently having waited some time.
SMITH:Hmmm, the sign says "open", but noone's here. (pauses for a moment) I'll give it two more hours.
Cut back to the War Room and the Research Complex.
KIMBALL:We don't have time to investigate! For all we know, Charon's already working on a new batch of rifle replacements.
TUCKER:"Don't have time?" We can just fly right over and check it out.
WASHINGTON:We already know Locus and Felix have scouts monitoring our activity whenever possible. If we send a ship to the middle of nowhere, they'll notice and they'll follow.
CAROLINA:If these coordinates lead to something, we can't afford it falling into Charon's hands. We need to send a small team on foot.
KIMBALL:And that will take time that we don't have.
CHURCH:(groans) But what if Charon's already there? What if they've been sitting on this ship for years and we've just turned it on?! We gotta find out what's out there, even if it's just to make sure the mercs don't use it against us!
DOYLE:I-is it possible to... divide and conquer?
WASHINGTON:Yeah, Carolina could take an away-team out to the coordinates and Kimball could lead the charge against Alpha.
DOYLE:Why does Kimball get to lead the charge?
WASHINGTON:Are you volunteering?
DOYLE:Well, I... heh, unfortunately we'll need someone to stay behind and guard the capital and I know this city better than anyone.
GRIF:Nice bail.
WASHINGTON:Then it sounds like Kimballs' our leader.
KIMBALL:The Feds won't take orders from me.
WASHINGTON:They will if their lives are on the line. I've been training them. Both sides have come a long way and we'll need all hands on deck if we wanna pull this off.
SARGE:Well, then you can count me and my boys in!
GRIF:Ooooohh, ah we need to work at the armory actually.
SIMMONS:Shshshsh, yeah, really sorry, guys. I wish we could help.
LOPEZ:Agradable fianza. 
CAPTION:Nice bail.
DONUT:Well, if you really wanna go, Lopez and I can handle the armory.
SARGE:Excellent suggestion, Donut! Simmons, looks like you're gonna get to see your fearless colonel on the battlefield after all! (chuckles) I wish I could look through your eyes, and see me.
SIMMONS:(unenthusiastically) Yaaaaaay.
GRIF:(to Donut) I'm gonna kill you in your sleep.
CHURCH:Right. Then the rest of us can act as the "away" team. Tucker brings the sword, Grey brings the brains,-
CABOOSE:And I bring the comic relief.
CHURCH:I was gonna say "the rifle with auto-targeting software".
Caboose presses the trigger, once again releasing confetti and making a party sound.
CAROLINA:We'll hop on the next Pelican to Armonia and prep to head out.
CHURCH:And if we play this right, the mercs won't even know what hit'em.
Cut to Locus and Felix in the Tractor Beam Tower, looking at something. A female Space Pirate holding a Battle Rifle walks up behind them.
SPACE PIRATE 2:We had the scientists check everything. Binary rifles, suppressors, they're all dead. Even the ones on the ship.
LOCUS:Then send them up here. We have another job for them.
SPACE PIRATE 2:You got it, boss! (walks out)
SPACE PIRATE 1:(on radio) Sir, we just received a communications request from Control. What should I tell him?
CUT TO REVEAL OF WHAT THE MERCS ARE LOOKING AT:a red holographic map identical to the one the Blues found.
FELIX:Tell him we'll call right back.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 6: Along Came a Spider

Fade into Armonia with multiple soldiers running around. Cut to Kimball approaching two Feds.
KIMBALL:Alright men, let's get this hog lined up with the others.
FED SOLDIER 1:Uh, have you filled out the vehicle request forms?
KIMBALL:What are you talking about?
FED SOLDIER 2:The Federal Army follows a very strict regimen when it comes to requesting weapons and vehicles.
KIMBALL:Well, this isn't the Federal Army.
FED SOLDIER 1:Tell me about it.
KIMBALL:Listen you little-
Washington walks in.
WASHINGTON:You two. Why isn't this warthog over with the rest of the vehicles?
FED SOLDIER 2:Oh, Agent Washington!
FED SOLDIER 1:We will get right on that sir.
WASHINGTON:Good.
The two Feds hop into the warthog and look towards Kimball and Washington.
WASHINGTON:Now, is there anything you feel like you should say to General Kimball?
The two Feds stare at Kimball.
FED SOLDIER 1:... Bitch.
The Feds drive off.
WASHINGTON:Hey! (running after the warthog)
KIMBALL:Remind me to put those two on the front line.
WASHINGTON:Don't you start too.
KIMBALL:I told you they won't listen! They're just a bunch of mindless drones that do whatever Doyle tells them to do.
WASHINGTON:And you’re the leader of the cave-dwelling savages that blow things up to get what they want.
KIMBALL:You know that’s not true.
WASHINGTON:Well, you haven't done anything to prove them wrong yet, have you?
KIMBALL:Agent Washington, I'd appreciate it if you didn't lecture me on how to make friends with the enemy.
WASHINGTON:The enemy?
KIMBALL:You know what I mean.
WASHINGTON:We're all on the same side here, Kimball. Have some faith. If you start believing in them, maybe they'll start believing in you.
KIMBALL:Yeah. ...Maybe.
A warthog passes by in the background, with Jensen at the wheel.
JENSEN:Excuse me, vehicle coming through.
WASHINGTON:Please tell me that wasn't Jensen.
A crash is heard off screen.
SIMMONS:(off screen) GOD DAMN IT!
JENSEN:(off screen) Sorry!
Cut to show Grif and Simmons looking at a crashed warthog with Jensen at the wheel. Kimball and Washington run towards them.
SIMMONS:How?! How was that possible?! You were going like 5 miles an hour!
JENSEN:Uh, I'm sorry, sir. Just bad luck, I guess?
Palomo runs out from behind a warthog.
PALOMO:Yeah uh, just so you know, I'm fine.
Palomo is hit by a warthog driven by Bitters.
BITTERS:This where we are parking the cars? (under the warthog, Palomo groans)
Cut to Church staring aimlessly. Carolina, Dr. Grey, Tucker, and Caboose are seen on warthogs.
CAROLINA:Epsilon?
Church does not respond.
CAROLINA:Hey Church!
CHURCH:Huh? What? What?
CAROLINA:I said, is this where we're parking?
CHURCH:Oh yeah, this is it.
CHORUS • UNSETTLED TERRITORY
TUCKER:Sweet, we're here?
CHURCH:Nah, just a pit stop. We need to refill the jeeps while we have some cover. There should be some gas cans in the back...
CABOOSE:You told me those were lemonade cans.
CHURCH:What? When?
CABOOSE:The first week we met.
CHURCH:(chuckling uneasily) Oh. Caboose, have you been drinking-?
CABOOSE:The first gulp was pretty rough, but you know, I didn't want you guys to think you made bad lemonade.
TUCKER:Well that explains the fuck out of your birthday candles.
CABOOSE:Yeah I wished I was a dragon. It was the best birthday ever.
CAROLINA:Hey Epsilon.
CHURCH:What's up C?
CAROLINA:Wanna run some more equipment training?
CHURCH:What? Right now?
CAROLINA:Might as well while we're stopped. It's good knowing the bubble shield works, but I still feel like my deployment time could be better.
CHURCH:Carolina, you're fine. Just relax, alright?
CAROLINA:But-
CHURCH:Hey, hey. Carolina, come on. You know how you used to be, okay? You start pushing yourself too far, you're gonna get hurt. And the last thing we need right now is another stupid injury. So come on, take it easy, loosen up.
CAROLINA:Loosen up. Right.
CHURCH:Hey, are you doing okay?
TUCKER:Okay, we're ready to go.
CHURCH:Oh, badass. You filled up our car too?
TUCKER:Yeah, I gave it to both of them. Bow-chicka-bow-
CAROLINA:Bow-chicka-bow...? What? That’s the joke, right?
TUCKER:Did she just say my thing?
CABOOSE:Um, no. Uh Tucker, that’s Hey-chicka-bump-bump. Awkward.
CAROLINA:(to Church) You said to loosen up!
CHURCH:That’s a little too loose. Just tighten that back up a little bit.
TUCKER:(off screen) I feel violated.
Cut to Locus at a jungle, standing beside a computer terminal. Felix approaches him.
FELIX:I can't stand this prick.
LOCUS:He's our employer.
FELIX:Still a prick.
LOCUS:Felix.
FELIX:Whatever, let's just get this over with.
Cut to the Staff of Charon drifting in space amongst what appears to be an asteroid field filled with debris.
LOCUS:Control, this is Chorus transmitting on a secure feed, over.
STAFF OF CHARON
CUT TO THE CHAIRMAN'S TROPHY ROOM. A ROW OF ITEMS ARE SEEN:Epsilon-Tex's shattered helmet, the Monitor shell, Meta's Brute Shot, Carolina's Magnum and the Capture Unit. The Chairman is speaking with the mercs on a holo-screen. Holograms detailing news and a stock market can be seen.
CHAIRMAN:Locus and Felix, I was beginning to wonder if you were purposefully neglecting my transmissions.
FELIX:Wha, neglect you? (chuckles) Chairman, please! Never in a million years! We were just... kinda in the middle of something.
CHAIRMAN:(sarcastically) Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Felix. I know exactly how frustrating it is to be interrupted. Just this morning I met with a client, who was very interested in our new Suppressor submachine guns (picks up a broken Suppressor, showing it to the mercs) until the bloody thing BLEW UP IN HIS HANDS!!
FELIX:Gosh, you know, we are so sorry to hear that, sir. But it kinda sounds like you should take that up with your science team.
CHAIRMAN:Oh, I did. (tosses away the rifle) In fact, I spoke with the members stationed with you on Chorus. They seem to believe that the colonists and their... heroes... are responsible for the incident. Last I checked, you are responsible for them.
LOCUS:We are taking care of the situation.
CHAIRMAN:Are you? When I hired you, I was promised perfection. I was told that you were the best! Everything we had on your backgrounds and previous missions, told me: You were the right choice! But, here we are.
LOCUS:Sir-
CHAIRMAN:(interrupts) Is it lack of resources? Are the ships I've redirected to your front door not helpful?! What about the armor enhancements?! Stopping bullets in their tracks! Vanishing into thin air! Are these gifts not good enough for you?!!
FELIX:It's complicated.
CHAIRMAN:No, it isn't! In fact, it's remarkably simple! ...Everything I've built... Everything I've worked towards, rests upon a strong foundation. An intricate web of partners, politicians and clients each supporting one another and right now...your thread is straining to support the rest. I think I know what the problems is. I think, it's your motivation. Clearly your monetary compensation isn't enough. So I'd like to try something different. F.I.L.S.S.?
F.I.L.S.S.:Yes, Chairman.
A panel in the room slides off showing a pod, which is raised up.
CHAIRMAN:(smiling) Do you have any idea what this is?
CUT TO THE REVEAL OF THE CONTENT:the Meta's armor.
LOCUS:The armor of Freelancer Agent Maine.
FELIX:The Meta.
CHAIRMAN:Not anymore. This is the future of modern warfare. Active camouflage, enhanced strength, light shields. Dr. Church paired each of his Freelancers with specialized equipment, but with our modifications, this suit contains all of them.
FELIX:I thought that wasn't possible.
CHAIRMAN:Not initially. The armor enhancements had to be removed and studied in secret, so that we could create the modified versions you both carry now. The variations reduced power consumption significantly, solving a large portion of the puzzle.
LOCUS:But it's still not ready.
CHAIRMAN:No, not yet. Individually our new equipment can be activated without AI assistance, but tests have shown that running multiple enhancements proves to be far more taxing on the mind than we anticipated.
FELIX:So, what? You want us to capture the Epsilon AI?
CHAIRMAN:Recovering Freelancer equipment is always a priority, Felix, but the Epsilon unit is far too old to run this suit properly. I'm doing my best to secure an AI through legitimate means, but even with my political influence, the acts of the late Dr. Church have made AI acquisition an extremely difficult process. (lays hand on armor and strokes with his thumb) But it's only a matter of time. (turns to the mercs) Which brings back to my point. If the two of you can successfully complete your mission before this suit is ready, Charon Industries is willing to lend you the completed model for your own use, as a form of "field testing".
FELIX:(excited) Ho ho, become a one-man walking weapon? I like the sound of that!
CHAIRMAN:However, if you fail to eliminate the remaining stragglers on Chorus, then we will find another candidate to test the suit. And their first task will be finishing what you started, as well as tying up any loose ends. (Cut to mercs) Do I make myself clear?
FELIX:(simultaneously) Crystal.
LOCUS:(simultaneously) Yes sir.
CHAIRMAN:Good. (Transmission ends.)
FELIX:What'd I tell ya? Fucking prick.
Felix walks off-screen, Locus is silent.
FELIX:Hey! (Locus turns to Felix) Let's see what this map led us to.
LOCUS:Right.
The mercs walk up on a ramp to reveal a big alien temple deeply forested. A wide energy beam is emitted upwards. Several Space Pirates are on-site.
JUNGLE TEMPLE


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 7: Locus of Control

At the Jungle Temple, Locus and Felix meet up with one of the scientists and a Space Pirate serving as escort.
LOCUS:What has your team found?
SCIENTIST:This is... huh well, where do I even begin?
FELIX:Well, you could start with what it is.
SCIENTIST:A central hub. Some sort of...device connected to the rest of the temples on the planet, that's our best guess at least, but this energy source in the center is...something else.
FELIX:Can it be weaponized?
SCIENTIST:No, no no no no. The energy here is reminiscent of the teleportation devices we studied to make the cubes. We think it's a gateway.
LOCUS:To where?
SCIENTIST:Well, that is the question of the day, now isn't it?
FELIX:So... anyone care to take the first step?
SCIENTIST:I would... not advise that. We've been doing our best to decipher the text inscribed on the temple walls. It's all very biblical in tone. Lots of symbolism, but it does seem this gateway has some... well, rules.
LOCUS:Rules?
SCIENTIST:The text is very specific. "Only a true warrior may enter; a being of great strength and mental clarity."
LOCUS:And what would happen to a man, who failed these requirements?
SCIENTIST:We don't know.
Felix kicks the escorting Space Pirate into the beam. He is gone with a flash.
FELIX:Guess we'll find out.
Cut to the interior of a tower. Sharkface is gearing up and talking with the Counselor. A number of spraypaint cans are on the desk. Sharkface's armor has spraypainted red trim on it.
COUNSELOR:Are you finished?
SHARKFACE:Almost. (stretches out arm) But you can't rush art, Counselor. (picks up a can, shakes it and starts spraying paint on the helmet)
COUNSELOR:You find working with tools to be therapeutic?
SHARKFACE:Therapeutic?
COUNSELOR:Relaxing. Does it help to cope-
SHARKFACE:I know what "therapeutic" means. And no, not really. (keeps spray painting)
COUNSELOR:Let's change the subject. I trust you've reviewed the reports on Agents Washington and Carolina?
SHARKFACE:Yup.
COUNSELOR:Excellent. Did you have any questions?
SHARKFACE:No.
COUNSELOR:(sighs) Good. Then why don't we go over the mission briefing again?
SHARKFACE:The mercs want the Freelancers dead, so they got me to do it. Briefing over.
COUNSELOR:There is no need for hostility.
SHARKFACE:(turns around to face the Counselor) I beg to differ. See, those super-soldier freaks dropped a building on me. They left me for dead, and then they killed my friends. They took away the only family I ever had while I was in physical fucking therapy. There's plenty of need for hostility here, Counselor.
COUNSELOR:Then perhaps you should do your best to channel that energy.
SHARKFACE:(turns around, walking back to the desk, snorting on the way. He picks up his helmet but puts it back down quickly) You know, I do have a question. (turns around again and points to the Counselor) How did you end up on a ship full of killers? You don't look like a criminal to me.
COUNSELOR:(hesitantly) Let's not get off topic.
SHARKFACE:I wanna know.
COUNSELOR:I believed in the wrong people. By the time I realized it, the damage was already done.
SHARKFACE:And what would you do, if those people were here now? Would you kill'em?
COUNSELOR:If it meant getting my life back, I would.
SHARKFACE:Hmpf. Well then... (puts on his helmet) I guess you belong here after all.
The Counselor looks somewhat upset. Sharkface meanwhile pulls up his Assault Rifle in front of him on the desk. Cut back to the Jungle Temple. With a flash, the Space Pirate kicked into the beam returns.
SPACE PIRATE:Oh God! I'm back! I'm back!!
FELIX:(to the scientist) Guess I owe you fifty bucks.
LOCUS:(walks up to the Pirate) What happened?
SPACE PIRATE:(breathing heavily) I saw... terrible things... people I've killed...
FELIX:Oh man, if we're gonna meet every person we've wronged or some bullshit, it's gonna take forever.
LOCUS:Quiet.
FELIX:Seriously dude, I'm talking weeks!
SCIENTIST:(scans the Pirate) Well, aside from his scares his vitals seem perfectly normal.
LOCUS:Then I'm going in.
FELIX:What, now?
LOCUS:We're already low on time. I can get what we came for.
FELIX:Oh, bullshit! I know what this is about! Why do you know I'm not the true warrior.
LOCUS:Because you're you.
FELIX:Yeah, and being me is awesome! (Locus is silent, not convinced) (sighs) Alright, look, why don't we both go in and let the giant alien thing decide?
LOCUS:Fine. (walks into the beam with Felix)
FELIX:Good. Just don't cry to me, when you lose.
LOCUS:I won't. (Felix looks at him, Locus hastily corrects himself) Lose. I-I won't lose.
FELIX:(chuckling) Too late, fucked it up.
Felix walks into the beam and disappears with a flash. Locus follows and teleports.
LOCUS:Felix, come in.
Locus ends up on some form of space platform. He is alone. He tries to cloak, but the module malfunctions and he is thrown out of stealth. Locus walks down a nearby ramp.
LOCUS:Felix, I've made it through the gateway, equipment is malfunctioning. If you can hear this-
Locus is interrupted by a booming alien voice.
ALIEN VOICE:SHALOUKUUAA. SURAKIE SUTO YOH?
LOCUS:I don't understand.
ALIEN VOICE:WHO ARE YOU?
Locus is suddenly surrounded by a squad of four UNSC soldiers wearing Aviator, Warrior, Recruit and Scanner helmets respectively. All four have their guns pointed at him.
AVIATOR SOLDIER:Freeze!
LOCUS:What?!
AVIATOR SOLDIER:Don't move!
WARRIOR SOLDIER:Don't you fucking move!
RECRUIT SOLDIER:Lower your weapon or we will shoot!
WARRIOR SOLDIER:Put the weapon down!
Locus lowers his shotgun. Another UNSC soldier walks into view.
CAPTAIN:What do we have here, men?
AVIATOR SOLDIER:Caught us a monster, captain. I think it understands what we're saying.
CAPTAIN:Really? Then how about you tell us what you're doing here?
LOCUS:I... came through the gateway.
WARRIOR SOLDIER:Speak English, motherfucker!
LOCUS:What? ...Wait... I know you.
WARRIOR SOLDIER:(distraught) Why is it looking at me?!
PAST FELIX:(mockingly) Maybe you're just its type.
LOCUS:No... Felix...
Felix shows up, wearing the tan and green armor the mercs wore back during the Great War.
PAST FELIX:I say we blow its brains out.
PAST LOCUS:That's your answer to everything.
LOCUS:(mutters) Impossible!
CAPTAIN:Hey! You quit eyeballing my men and give me some answers. Are you alone?
LOCUS:I- I don't understand. You're all supposed to be dead!
AVIATOR SOLDIER:What's it saying?
LOCUS:(to his past self) You're me.
PAST LOCUS:Sir, I think it's trying to surrender.
PAST FELIX:Bullshit, I think it's stalling! Sir, this feels like a trap.
LOCUS:Why don't you recognize me?
CAPTAIN:Private, I did not ask you for your opinion-
LOCUS:Listen to me!!
WARRIOR SOLDIER:Hey, watch it!
AVIATOR SOLDIER:It's getting hostile!
PAST FELIX:Sir, this thing's wasting our time and we're in no position to start taking prisoners.
CAPTAIN:(sighs) Fine. (to Felix and Locus) You two, move into one of these buildings and take it out. Quietly.
LOCUS:What?
PAST LOCUS:Sir, it's scared.
CAPTAIN:If it's smart, it should be.
PAST LOCUS:If we could restrain it, we could-
CAPTAIN:(interrupts) Son, you listen here!
LOCUS:No.
CAPTAIN:You're a soldier! In this war, you are nothing but a suit of armor and a gun! So when I give you an order you damn well follow it! Do I make myself clear?!
LOCUS:(raises gun) NO!
PAST FELIX:Drop'em!
All soldiers open fire on Locus. A bright flash and Locus is back at the Temple.
FELIX:Locus! It's about goddamn time- Hey!
Locus holds Felix at gunpoint, Felix raises back his DMR at him.
LOCUS:What did you see?!
FELIX:Calm down, asshole, you're fine. It was an illusion, a trick!
LOCUS:What did you see?
FELIX:Hmpf. Well, if you must know, I didn't see a thing. I passed the test. Turns out I'm a true warrior.
LOCUS:(lowers shotgun, disbelieving) What?
FELIX:(lowers DMR) Kidding. It was fucked. Saw shit straight out of my nightmares.
LOCUS:Do you think this is a joke?
FELIX:No, but intel says we're out of time, so you can bitch about this later. Right now we need to move to Plan B. (turns to the two Space Pirates and the scientist behind him) Everyone, pack it up! Leave no trace we were here. I mean it, if I catch one thing left behind, someone's getting thrown off the Pelican!
As the Pirates walk away, Locus turns to the energy beam. Felix snaps him back to attention.
FELIX:(to Locus) Hey! (Locus turns to face him) Get it together. (walks away and snorts mockingly) True warrior.
Locus is silent and turns to look at the beam one last time, before walking away. View of Locus fades. Suddenly Carolina, Dr. Grey and the Blues minus Wash walk forward to the beam.
TUCKER:Holy shit!
EPSILON:I think it's safe to say we're here.
CAROLINA:And not a moment too soon.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 8: Test Your Might

Fade in to reveal the Red Team, Rebels, and Feds driving towards the Desert Refueling Station. Cut to the Reds, dismounted on their warthog, huddled up. The Rebels, Feds, and Washington dismount from their warthogs as well.
SARGE:Now look, the fact of the matter is the ability to fly north, and only north, is just gonna lead to more problems than it solves.
ABANDONED FUELING STATION
SIMMONS:Thank you!
GRIF:Whatever, this road trip sucks!
SARGE:Nonsense! Road trips are an inherent part of the Red Team experience. Enjoy the exotic sights and sounds of this beautiful, albeit wartorn, land.
GRIF:It's a gas station... that we've been to before! Seriously, there's like three places to go on the whole planet!
Washington approaches the Reds.
WASHINGTON:Alright, almost time to hit the road again.
SIMMONS:Any word from the away team?
WASHINGTON:They found some sort of giant alien temple shooting pure energy into the sky.
GRIF:(sighs) What'd I tell ya? Blue Team problems.
WASHINGTON:You know, I think it's really admirable that you all choose to stay and fight for the people of Chorus.
SIMMONS:Oh. Thanks, Wash.
WASHINGTON:When I first met you all, I honestly thought you'd never amount to anything but you've really proven me wrong.
GRIF:Uhhhh, cool. Thanks, dude.
WASHINGTON:Sure, you may not be the most conventional soldiers but no matter the challenge you always manage to find a way to come out on top. And that's something really special.
SARGE:What's going on with you?
WASHINGTON:Me? Nothing.
SIMMONS:No, you're acting really weird.
WASHINGTON:I just want you all to know how much I appreciate you. (brief pause) That's it.
GRIF:You think we're going to fucking die!
WASHINGTON:(quickly) No, I don't!
GRIF:No, you do, you definitely do! You're getting all sentimental and shit!
WASHINGTON:No, guys. Come on, you'll be fine! I've got total faith in you. You're some of the best solders I ever knew.
SIMMONS:What the fuck is that past tense bullshit!?
WASHINGTON:Look, I just want you to know, I'm proud of you. I'm sure if you stick together, you'll be okay. What unit are you in?
SARGE:Volunteered for the front lines!
WASHINGTON:Oh.
GRIF:YOU WHAT?!!
SIMMONS:SARGE!!
WASHINGTON:Well, look on the bright side...
Awkward beat.
GRIF:You know, if you say that, you're supposed to follow it up with the bright side!
WASHINGTON:I know.
Cut to the Blues and Dr. Grey at the Jungle Temple.
EPSILON:A true warrior?
GREY:Of physical strength and mental clarity.
TUCKER:Well it's a good thing I'm here.
CAROLINA:That's cute.
TUCKER:What? Obviously I'm a true warrior. Plus, I got the sword. That means I'm the chosen one.
EPSILON:Finding a sword in a hole doesn't automatically make you an unstoppable badass.
TUCKER:Oh, why don't you tell that to the last alien temple I lit up!
GREY:Tucker has a point. It's possible that merely carrying the sword through the portal will override the need to be strong and intelligent.
TUCKER:Yeah! Wait, I'm strong and intelligent.
CABOOSE:Eh, you have your moments,
EPSILON:Well, we're low on time and it's the best thing we've got.
CAROLINA:Fine. Just... be careful.
TUCKER:Nothing to worry about baby. (lights up the sword) I am a true motherfucking warrior.
Tucker jumps into the portal screaming and is almost instantly thrown out of it, hitting a boulder.
TUCKER:(stands up) Whoa! What happened?
EPSILON:Wow.
CAROLINA:Apparently, you're not a true warrior.
CABOOSE:Or maybe he's so good he passed the test super fast.
GREY:What did you see? Tell me about the other side. Did you make contact? Oh and how are you feeling?
TUCKER:(shakes head) I saw Felix.
CAROLINA:The mercenaries were already there?
TUCKER:Well, I don't think it was really him. He showed up, then another Felix showed up. And the next thing I know there were a million fucking assholes all over me. Same thing with Locus, I couldn't fight them off!
GREY:You weren't strong enough.
CAROLINA:Well, I am. And I've been waiting for a rematch.
Flash cut to Carolina in more or less the same place Locus wound up in. She raises her rifle.
CAROLINA:Epsilon, you seeing this. (Epsilon doesn't respond) Epsilon?
ALIEN VOICE:WHO ARE YOU?
CAROLINA:I'm your true warrior.
Suddenly, Tex walks out of a corner.
TEX:Actually, that would be me.
CAROLINA:Tex?
YORK:Hey there, Carolina.
CAROLINA TURNS AROUND, LOWERING HER RIFLE. SHE'S LOOKING AT ALL OF HER OLD FREELANCER TEAMMATES:York, the Twins, Maine, Wyoming, C.T. and Florida. Cut to Carolina, outside the beam, talking with the rest.
CAROLINA:I said I don't want to talk about it.
EPSILON:Carolina, all I saw, when I went through was static. You gotta tell us more! You saw the Freelancers, then what happened? Was there crazy karate? Big gunfight?
CAROLINA:No, there was no fighting. They just... look, it doesn't matter.
TUCKER:See?! Not as easy as it looks, huh?
CAROLINA:I will throw your ass right back through that portal if you don't-
GREY:Okay, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
TUCKER:Man, whatever.
GREY:We can't give up hope. The government spent ample time studying these relics and we've only been here a few hours!
TUCKER:Did they make any progress?
GREY:Actually they got fed up and abandoned all of their work. (Cut to reveal a crate with a note saying "Will return in: FUCK YOU!")
TUCKER:(sarcastically) Great. Super inspiring.
EPSILON:I just wish the inscriptions weren't so vague. True warrior? Mental clarity? What does that even mean?
CABOOSE:Uh yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the opposite of false warrior. Duh.
EPSILON:Caboose, not now.
CABOOSE:Yeah, I'm just saying we can at least cross that off the list. You know.
CAROLINA:(annoyed) Caboose.
CABOOSE:The false warrior. That is.
EVERYONE:CABOOSE!!
CABOOSE:Well excuse me for trying to help! I am going to go find the bathroom. (walks away)
EPSILON:Jesus, that empty headed little... wait a minute. Empty head.
They all look at each other.
TUCKER:No way.
Flash cut to Caboose having entered the portal.
CABOOSE:Hey, this isn't the bathroom.
ALIEN VOICE:WHO ARE YOU?
CABOOSE:I'm Caboose.
ALIEN VOICE:Hmm, you are not like the others.
CABOOSE:Yeah. I'm blue.
ALIEN VOICE:Your mind lacks fear. Doubt is non-existent. Completely absent of negativity.
CABOOSE:I'm sorry what you were saying something?
ALIEN VOICE:And your strength.
CABOOSE:Yeah. I have been told, that I am an excellent listener.
ALIEN VOICE:I've increased the gravity tenfold since you've arrived.
CABOOSE:What's a tenfold?
ALIEN VOICE:You... haven't noticed?
CABOOSE:What a tenfold is? You know I-I don't know you. You're the one who brought it up.
ALIEN VOICE:Hmm. Then it seems that you (a red light matterializes in front of Caboose, taking the form of an alien) are a true warrior.
CABOOSE:Neat.
Flash cut. Caboose returns to the temple.
CABOOSE:And we're back!
CAROLINA:Caboose!
GREY:Are you okay?
EPSILON:What happened?
CABOOSE:Ah, well ah yeah, I went to the bathroom and then I met an alien and we became friends and he told me everything about the universe and the meaning of life and then-
TUCKER:Wait! An alien?
The alien A.I. appears behind Caboose.
ALIEN A.I.:Greetings.
Everyone takes a step back, taken by surprise.
EPSILON, GREY AND TUCKER:Whoa!
CAROLINA:Jesus!
ALIEN A.I.:My apologies, but is there anyone else I could speak to? Perhaps someone with a broader vocabulary?
CAROLINA:Who- What are you?
EPSILON:He's an AI.
ALIEN A.I.:Correct. I'm a construct left behind by my creators to ensure that their gifts are passed on only to those who are worthy.
CABOOSE:Yes. And that is why I have named him: Santa.
CAROLINA:...Santa.
CABOOSE:Santa.
TUCKER:Santa?
CABOOSE:Yes. Santa.
SANTA:Santa.
A brief moment of silence occurs.
EPSILON:Santa, the alien AI construct.
SANTA:It is an honor to meet you, noble warriors. (bows in front of the Blues and Dr. Grey)


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 9: You Better Watch Out

Fade in to Kimball and her assault team driving through unsettled territory in Warthogs and tanks.
SOLDIER:(over radio) General Kimball, we've just got word from the away team.
UNSETTLED TERRITORY
KIMBALL:What's the news?
SOLDIER:(over radio) Well... apparently they found Santa.
All of the vehicles come to a halt. Cut to Dr. Grey, Tucker, and Caboose at the Jungle Temple. Carolina approaches them.
CAROLINA:Kimball's moving ahead with the assault. They should be reaching Alpha any minute.
TUCKER:Then we gotta hurry.
SANTA:Are you sure there is no end to your questions?
GREY:You have no idea.
EPSILON:Alright, let's not start foaming at the mouth here.
GREY:I can foam wherever I want, thank you very much!
SANTA:(clears throat) The legacy of my creators is scattered throughout the galaxy. Their history, their technology, all left behind for future species to discover. This planet, the one you've claimed as Chorus, was one of great importance. It is here that they've kept some of their most valued treasures.
TUCKER:What kind of treasures we talking about? Like Indiana Jones Golden Island treasures? (moans in annoyance) Or is it some stupid metaphorical stuff like (mocking exposition tone) "The real treasure was friendship the whole time".
SANTA:My creators bequeathed many gifts and you will find each locked away within a temple. Lavernius Tucker, you triggered the Temple of Arms. With its power you reactivated combat vehicles, weaponry and a myriad of other technological models from the time long past. These are merely a fraction of the gifts left behind by my creator.
GREY:That's amazing!
TUCKER:So then why'd you turn it off?
SANTA:I encountered an anomaly. The temples on this planet can only be activated with a key wielded by a true warrior. However, some time ago, one of my temples was meddled with.
CAROLINA:(sarcastic) I wonder who that could've been.
CABOOSE:Probably Space Pirates.
CAROLINA:I was being facetious.
TUCKER:Dude, making up words is not gonna make you sound smarter.
GREY:FOCUS!!
SANTA:The temple was designed to form a defensive barrier around the planet by manipulating gravity. The meddlers managed to circumvent my security measures and partially activated the temple, giving them moderate control over the planet's gravitational field.
CABOOSE:Tell him how the elves are involved Santa.
EPSILON:He's talking about the tractor beams.
SANTA:This act should have been impossible without the Great Key. (turns to Tucker) Which brings me to you.
TUCKER:Me?
SANTA:I sensed your Key's power at the Temple of Arms and allowed you to activate it, but when you did not respond in the voice of my people, protocol insisted I bring you here for further testing.
TUCKER:Sorry dude. The only language I speak, is American.
CAROLINA:Weren't you an alien ambassador?
TUCKER:I never said I was a good ambassador.
GREY:But why test us if Tucker already has the sword? Or key?
SANTA:Because my records state that the Great Key of this planet has yet to be claimed.
TUCKER:Wait! There's another key!?
CABOOSE:Of course! In case you lock one in your car! My God, they have one of everything!
SANTA:It lies in a mountain temple to the east. After the security failure I had to be sure that the presence of two keys was not an error in my programming. It is now clear to me, that although your key comes from another world, it was in fact forged by my creators, and is therefore acceptable.
TUCKER:Sweet! Then that means we can go back to our tower and turn it on.
GREY:Alien weaponry for everyone!
EPSILON:And you said that was only a fraction of the stuff that's here, right?
SANTA:Correct.
CAROLINA:...Well, not to sound greedy but...eh...
EPSILON:...What else you got?
CAROLINA:Yeah.
SANTA:Hmm, there is the Temple of Weather Manipulation, Bountiful Harvest, Interior Decorating, Procreation, Communication...
EPSILON:(interrupts) Wait, what was that last one?
SANTA:Communication. Activating this temple will allow you to send a message to virtually any communication device in the galaxy.
TUCKER:And what was the one before that?
SANTA:Procreation. Activating this temple will throw the inhabintants of Chorus into a ravenous sexual frenzy with the intent to increase a potentially dwindling population.
CAROLINA:We... won't be needing that one.
TUCKER:(chuckling) Well, let's not rule anything out.
EPSILON:Yo! Alien dude!
SANTA:Santa.
EPSILON:I refuse to call you that. Look, we actually need to transmit a message to Earth but there's been a bunch of radio jammers keeping it from getting out. You think this temple thing will be strong enough to break through them?
SANTA:Without question.
EPSILON:Well then, that's it! We don't need a full-on assault! We don't even need alien weapons! We just gotta activate that temple and call for help.
CAROLINA:Then let's radio Kimball and get out of here.
SANTA:Wait! Before you leave, I must warn you. The gifts left behind by my creators are immensely powerful. If taken by those less worthy, the results could be catastrophic. Which is why my creators constructed the Purge.
TUCKER:(sarcastically) That doesn't sound ominous at all.
SANTA:(to Tucker) As its bearer, the Great Key will remain bonded to you and you alone, until the time of your death. If you believe the inhabitants of this planet are not ready for my creators' gifts, activating the Purge will cleanse them.
CAROLINA:And by "cleanse", you mean?
SANTA:All sentient life on Chorus will be exterminated.
TUCKER:Dude. Buzzkill.
EPSILON:And... where exactly is this thing?
SANTA:Here. (a red holographic map lights up with a dot pointing at the Purge's location, east of the Jungle Temple) I will also update all previously sent maps with temple locations.
EPSILON:Thanks. Look, Carolina, we gotta... wait. What do you mean "maps"?
SANTA:The maps that were sent to the temples.
EPSILON:...All of the temples?
SANTA:...Of course.
EPSILON:...Oh no.
Four Space Pirates suddenly show up behind them.
EPSILON:Carolina!
The Space Pirates open fire, but stop and lower their rifles after a moment. The away team is covered by the Bubble Shield deployed by Carolina.
CABOOSE:And that was close.
FRECKLES:Affirmative.
GREY:(frightened) Charon's here?
EPSILON:Urgh, they've been here the whole time.
SHARKFACE:(off screen) That's right.
The Blues and Grey look up. Sharkface looks down on them from the ramp above. His Assault Rifle is painted with shark teeth and eyes.
SHARKFACE:And now, thanks to you, we've got all the intel we need.
TUCKER:What are you talking about?
SHARKFACE:(to his Space Pirate) As soon as their shield falls, open fire. Just leave the Freelancer alive for me. (turns around and starts to walk away)
CAROLINA:(mockingly) You really think four people are enough to stop us?
SHARKFACE:(turns to face Carolina) You're only safe for as long as that shield is up, then you've got no cover and a failing A.I. So yeah, I do.
CAROLINA:(to Epsilon) What is he talking about?
SHARKFACE:Besides, the rest of our guys are prepping for your friends at Alpha.
GREY:(frightened) What?!
SHARKFACE:I hope you said something meaningful the last time you saw them (turns around and walks away) 'Cause you won't be seeing them again. (walks off)
Cut to Crash Site Alpha where numerous space pirates are seen.
CRASH SITE ALPHA
Tejano music is heard slowly getting louder.
FEMALE SPACE PIRATE:(to partner) Do you... hear something?
The two pirates face forward and spot the Reds rushing towards them in a Warthog. The Tejano is coming out of their Warthog.
SARGE:(yelling) YEEE-HAAAWW!
The pirates raise their weapons in response.
FEMALE SPACE PIRATE:Enemy sighted!
The Reds run over the pirates and come to a halt. Several Fed and Rebel troops drive past them and engage in battle.
SARGE:Ya see! I told you the front line is where the action is! Ha ha!
SIMMONS:That's why we didn't wanna be here!
SARGE:Ah nonsense. (turns on radio) This is Colonel Sarge. We have engaged the enemy! In for a short courtship of blood!
KIMBALL:(over radio) Copy that, Red leader! Good work.
Cut to Kimball fighting alongside a Rebel.
KIMBALL:All squads remember your sectors! We've got multiple towers to take down and numerous-
Suddenly, a large shadow casts over the sky, catching the attention of the assault team. The UNSC Tartarus then emerges from the sky. The Reds looks up at the ship.
GRIF:...Oh fuck me...
Numerous space pirates then drop down from the Tartarus, using their equipped jetpacks to land safely.
SPACE PIRATE:Take 'em out!
The pirates open fire. Cut to Washington alongside Jensen, Bitters, Smith, and Palomo.
PALOMO:(frightened) Ahh!! I-it-it's a trap!! Why is it always a trap?!!
WASHINGTON:They're cutting off our escape!
Cut back to Kimball, taking cover. The rebel fighting by her side is killed.
KIMBALL:Where did they get more men?!
FELIX:(over radio) Come on Vanessa, give me a little credit. I was your right hand man for years.
Cut to Felix and Locus fighting together.
FELIX:You really didn't think I'd see this coming?
KIMBALL:(over radio) You bastar-!
Felix cuts her off. Sharkface soon contacts Locus and Felix.
SHARKFACE:(over radio) Locus, Felix. I've got some news that's gonna make your day.
LOCUS:(stands up) Report.
SHARKFACE:(over radio) What if I told you I found a way to kill everyone on Chorus with the turn of a key? ...And what if I told you I was heading to that key right now?
FELIX:I'd say you're gonna need backup.
LOCUS:(crouches back down and fires Sniper Rifle) Take a Pelican! I've got Alpha covered!
FELIX:Right. (leaves)
Locus fires his sniper until Felix radios him.
FELIX:(over radio) Oh, Locus.
LOCUS:What?
FELIX:(over radio) When you kill Kimball, go ahead and do it quick. ...We were friends after all.
Locus stands up, reloads the Sniper Rifle and cloaks. Cut to the War Room in Armonia where two Fed Technicians are seen.
ARMONIA • WAR ROOM
KIMBALL:(over radio) Mayday! Mayday! This is Vanessa Kimball to Armonia! We need immediate ground support! Please respond! Over!
Doyle approaches the Feds.
DOYLE:What the devil is happening out there?
KIMBALL:(over radio) Doyle, god damn it, pick up the fucking radio!
DOYLE:Good Lord. (clears throat) Uh, yes Kimball! What is it?
KIMBALL:(over radio) The whole thing was a set-up! Charon's got way more men than we were led to believe! They've got a ship... They ambushed us!
DOYLE:Eh... there, there, now. I'm sure everything will be fine.
KIMBALL:(over radio) NO!! It will not be fine!! Forget the Capital, I need you to round up as many troops as you can and send them our way. Don't need to keep quiet, just take the Pelicans and make sure you're out of range of tractor beams.
DOYLE:Um, yes. Of course. (starts to walk away)
CAROLINA:(over radio) Doyle, wait! Can you hear me?
DOYLE:(stops) Agent Carolina?
CAROLINA:(over radio) I know Kimball needs those reinforcements, but we need them first.
DOYLE:(walks back to the radio) I-I- I beg your pardon?
CAROLINA:(over radio) We're pinned down. I need you to send a squad to the mountains east of our location. Charon's already on their way there and we have to beat them to it.
KIMBALL:(over radio) Carolina, what are you talking about? Beat them to what?
CAROLINA:(over radio) To a key that's going to end the world.
Doyle and the technicians swap looks.
DOYLE:Right. You're going to have to run that by me again.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 10: Temple of the Key

Fade in to Crash Site Alpha. Two Feds - a Technician and a Soldier - are taking cover behind rocks and ship wreckage. There's a firefight ongoing around them.
LAP FED:Oh God, I'm hit!
CRASH SITE FED:Medic! We need a medic over here!
The Rebel Medic runs to them.
REBEL MEDIC:I'm a medic! Calm down, soldier. Where are you hit?
LAP FED:Oh, those bastards got me. They got me right in the lap!
REBEL MEDIC:Alright, ah... I'm sorry, what was that?
LAP FED:Urrgh, the lap!! I was shot in the lap!!
REBEL MEDIC:So, like your upper thigh?
CRASH SITE FED:Didn't you hear him? He said HIS LAP!!!
LAP FED:Oh God, my lap!!
REBEL MEDIC:It's just that that's not really proper anatomical-
CRASH SITE FED:(interrupts) Well, excuse my friend here for not being a certified medical genius!!
LAP FED:Ungh, come on, lady! I need some slack, I'm bleeding out here!!
REBEL MEDIC:Um, right. Sorry. Are you hit anywhere else?
LAP FED:Uh, my tummy!
CRASH SITE FED:They got'im right in the tummy.
REBEL MEDIC:(sighs) This is gonna be a long day.
The Reds drive past in their Warthog. Cut to the Reds, Grif stops the Warthog.
SARGE:Simmons! Status report!
SIMMONS:We're completely surrounded, severely unprepared and reinforcements aren't coming any time soon!
SARGE:(climbs out of the Hog) Excellent news!!
GRIF:Excellent?!
SARGE:I was beginning to worry this wasn't gonna be much of a fight! But ya gotta hand it to those villains, always one step ahead. (chuckles) You can learn a thing or two from them, Simmons.
SIMMONS:I'll be sure to keep that in mind if we survive, sir.
Grif hops out of the warthog.
GRIF:(mockingly) Any bright ideas, Colonel?
SARGE:The way I see it, we'll punch through the Pirates' defenses with an adrenaline-fueled slow-motion car crash! Thus creating an opening for us to escape and allowing me to scratch one more thing off my "fuck it"-list.
GRIF:How do you just make something slow-motion?
SARGE:If it's epic enough, life finds a way.
SIMMONS:Love the enthusiasm! It's great, sir. Really. But don't you think we could try something, that won't get my head blown off?
SARGE:You could always switch seats with Grif.
SIMMONS:Done.
GRIF:(gets in the Hog) Screw this! We're regrouping with Wash!
SARGE:(climbs in, while Grif drives off) You just always have to suck the joy out of everything don't ya?
Cut to the Jungle Temple. The away team is still safe inside the Bubble Shield. The four Pirates are standing by, guns raised, in case the shield drops.
TUCKER:So... any ideas?
CAROLINA:(quietly) Epsilon, prep the Speed Booster, then drop the shield on my mark.
EPSILON:That's not going to work!
CAROLINA:My leg's fine. I can take it.
EPSILON:It won't work! Just think of something else before we run out of power. (disappears)
TUCKER:(to Santa) Yo, Kringle! These guys are gonna kill us if you don't throw down some alien magic and help!!
SANTA:It is not my place to meddle with human affairs. (disappears)
TUCKER:Aaargh! Fuckin' cop-out!
GREY:Quick! Everyone, into the portal!
CAROLINA:It just leads to the testing grounds, we'll be tossed back out.
GREY:Not all of us. Caboose could- oh, Caboose!
CABOOSE:Hello!
GREY:I need you to hold on to Freckles as tight as you can.
CABOOSE:Ah! Yeah, right, I do that all the time anyway. It's how I show affection.
TUCKER:His guinea pig never stood a chance. Rest in peace, Mr. Frittles.
GREY:As soon as I'm gone, drop the shield.
CAROLINA:Where are you going!?
SPACE PIRATE 1:Whaaaat's she up to?
TUCKER:Yeah, kinda with the Pirates on this. What exactly are you doing?
GREY:Well, if I explain it, they'll hear me!
SPACE PIRATE 2:No we won't! Our hearing is terrible!
ROSS:Yeah, we didn't even hear that.
SPACE PIRATE 2:(whispering) Shut up, Ross!
GREY:Please. Just trust me!
CAROLINA:(sighs) Church-
EPSILON:I'm losing it! Don't have much of a choice here!
CAROLINA:Alright.
GREY:Freckles! Run command "Aimbot"! (jumps into the gateway)
The flash when Grey teleports blinds the Pirates. The shield drops and Freckles quickly guns down all four Pirates, before deactivating the command.
CABOOSE:Okay um, that was not actually my fault.
FRECKLES:Hostiles eliminated.
TUCKER:Dayamn! If we put Church inside a gun, you think he could do that?
EPSILON:(appears beside Tucker, his image flickers and distorts for a moment) Don't even think about it.
A flash and Grey's back.
GREY:Oh goodie, you're alive.
CAROLINA:Huh, guess she really is the smartest person on the planet.
GREY:Oh stop, I'm not that great! I mean, the Aimbot function only works like half the time, so it was really just a coin toss.
EPSILON:Wow, you really need to know when to stop talking.
D520:(over radio) Agent Carolina, this is Pelican Delta Five Two Zero. We are approaching your position. Prep your team for evac, over.
CAROLINA:What? No! I told Doyle to send troops to the mountain temple first.
D520:(over radio) ...He did, ma'am.
Cut to a Pelican landing near Sharkface and his Falcon. Felix and 5 Space Pirates exit the Pelican, Sharkface joins them.
EASTERN MOUNTAIN RANGE
SHARKFACE:This is as close as I could land. Temple's at the summit.
FELIX:Any sign of the enemy?
SHARKFACE:Visually no, but this place is messing with targeting equipment.
FELIX:Then let's get this over with. (turns to the Pirates) Fan out and form a perimeter! (turns back to Sharkface) Don't wanna miss all the fun back at Alpha.
Camera pan to show the temple in the distance. Cut to Felix, Sharkface and a space pirate walking on a bridge to the temple.
TEMPLE OF THE KEY
SHARKFACE:This is it.
FELIX:(sarcastically) Oh good. You know, I really wasn't sure, until you said that. Why don't you put those amazing powers of observation to use and stand guard, okay? Okay. (walks into the temple)
SHARKFACE:...Is he always like that?
SPACE PIRATE 3:You just kinda learn to tune it out.
Cut to Felix walking inside the Temple.
FELIX:Hey, Freddy Krueger! There's nothin' in here! Do we gotta do something? Say the magic words? Sacrifice, like... a goat?
A large avatar of Santa appears behind Felix.
SANTA:You are too late.
FELIX:(turns around, gun raised) Whoa!! What!? What do you mean "too late"?! Where's the sword?
SANTA:It has already been claimed by another. (disappears)
FELIX:(lowers DMR) No.
Cut to reveal... Doyle with the Chorus Key running out of the temple.
FELIX:(off screen) GODDAMNIT!!!
DOYLE:(looks behind himself) Eh, oh Lord. Of all the people on this planet, why am I the only one down with this bloody thing?!!
DONUT:(over radio) Duh, because all your other men are flying to Kimball and Carolina.
Cut to Donut and Lopez piloting a Pelican high up in the clouds above the mountain.
DONUT:Besides, you've got the best camouflage out of all of us.
DOYLE:(over radio and yelling) Just send them back around and PICK ME UP FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
LOPEZ:El templo todavía está interfiriendo con nuestros controles. 
CAPTION:The temple is still intefering with our controls.
Cut back to Doyle, with Lopez on the comms.
LOPEZ:(over radio) Vamos a tener que aterrizar más lejos. 
CAPTION:We'll have to land farther away.
DONUT:(over radio) Good point, Lopez. You get that, General?
DOYLE:What!? No! I no hablo español!
FELIX:(off screen) They're here!! Spread out and find them now!!!
DOYLE:(whimpers) Just hurry! (runs away downhill into the valley)
Cut to the Reds with Wash and Kimball hiding in the wreckage of the ship they came to Chorus with.
SARGE:(speaking in slow-motion) Dirtbag!! (makes an explosion sound, then starts speaking normally) So, that's a plan. Whaddya all think?
CRASH SITE ALPHA • SHIP WRECK
WASHINGTON:...How do you just make something slow-motion?
KIMBALL:We're losing men here! I need to start hearing some serious solutions and I need them now!
SARGE:Who said I wasn't serious?
SIMMONS:This ship still has a few pieces intact. If we could find one its engines and get it online, we might have a chance to escape.
GRIF:Oh dude! Are you gonna fly us out of here?
SIMMONS:What? No, are you stupid?! Assuming the engines are as fucked as I think they are, I should be able to make us a smokescreen big enough to cover our escape.
KIMBALL:That's a start. Red Team, you and Wash take charge on this, let me know when you're ready. (walks away)
WASHINGTON:Can do.
GRIF:Ehh, flying out would be a lot cooler.
Smith appears by the wreck.
SMITH:Well, if it's an engine you're looking for...
Camera cut to reveal the Lieutenants.
SMITH:...I just happen to know where to find one.
JENSEN:And I just happen to know how to work it.
PALOMO:And I... am also here and... would like to contribute to the conversation.
WASHINGTON:Then let's get to work.
BITTERS:Look, I-I hate to be "that guy"-
GRIF:(interrupts) No you don't.
BITTERS:But that area's getting hit hard. Sniper fire's coming out of nowhere.
WASHINGTON:You leave that to me.
Cut to the away team at the Temple of the Key.
TEMPLE OF THE KEY
CAROLINA:General Doyle, we've dropped in at your position. Pelicans are looking for a safe LZ. Where are you? Over.
DOYLE:(almost whispering) I'm in a snowy area.
CAROLINA:Gonna have to be a little more specific, sir.
DOYLE:(still whispering) Now isn't exactly a good time.
Camera cut to Doyle hiding behind a rock. Felix stops by, looking around, DMR raised.
FELIX:Come on out, you prick.
Doyle shuts down his radio.
CAROLINA:Damn it! We need to find him.
TUCKER:If we split up, we can cover more ground.
EPSILON:(appears nect to Tucker) Okay, Scooby. Let's not make it too easy for the bad guys.
CAROLINA:(cocks BR) Church!
CAROLINA IS AIMING HER GUN AT SOMEONE UP AT THE LEDGE NEXT TO THEM:Sharkface.
CABOOSE:Jinkies! It's Sharkface!
TUCKER:Caboose, if you're gonna give him a nickname, don't make it that stupid.
SHARKFACE:I underestimated you.
CAROLINA:We get that a lot.
Carolina fires, but Sharkface uses a Hardlight Shield to block the bullets.
SHARKFACE:Seems we're both looking for the same man. Bet you I'll find him first! (speeds off)
CAROLINA:In your dreams. (runs after Sharkface)
EPSILON:HEY!! WAIT!! (disappears)
TUCKER:Hey, where are you going?!
CAROLINA:(sprinting) Split up and cover more ground!
TUCKER:Oh, so when it's her idea, it's a good thing.
GREY:I wouldn't be too sure.
FRECKLES:Hostiles detected.
Camera pan to show two Pirates with BRs on a snowy ledge above the team. The guns click.
TUCKER:RUN!!!
Tucker, Caboose and Grey run from gunfire.
GREY:In here!!
They run into an ice cave and stop there.
TUCKER:Whew! Think we lost'em?
An eerie voice is heard making ghost noises, with an echo.
GREY:(frightened) What was that!?
The voice moans again.
TUCKER:Oh, man! Don't tell me it's alien zombies or something!
CABOOSE:Ugh, I know! It's like zombies are super played out.
The eerie voice moans once again.
FRECKLES:Friendly heat signature detected.
TUCKER:Friendly!?
DOC:(laughs happily and shows up right behind Tucker) Thank God!!!
Tucker and Grey shriek and step back.
CABOOSE:It's Doc.
TUCKER:Doc?!!
DOC:Oh, Tucker!! Caboose!! It's so good to see you! It was horrible!! Grif threw that future cube, and I was teleported away to some foreign place; another dimension where time and space refuted all logic as we know it! A place where I drifted for what seemed like an eternity! And after a while, I lost my mind! Then I found it! Then I lost it again. Oh, but it was the thought of you all tirelessly searching for a way to bring me back that kept me going all that time. And look!! Look how my faith in my friends has been rewarded!!! Oh, I love you guys!!!
TUCKER:...Wait... you were gone?
DOC:I... well, yes! Wha-why are you asking?!
TUCKER:Since when?
DOC:Since when! Since the canyon!
TUCKER:...Really?!
DOC:Yes!
CABOOSE:(Tucker and Caboose swap looks) ...Yeah, I don't remember that.
DOC:WHAT?!!!
TUCKER:Hey, Sarge.
SARGE:(over radio) Whaddya want, blue?
TUCKER:Do you remember teleporting Doc back in the canyon?
Cut to Sarge with the Reds at the shipwreck.
SARGE:Doc? Nah, he's been with us! I think, or wait. Was he with you?
TUCKER:(over radio) We found him in a cave! Says he was in another dimension.
SARGE:That doesn't sound right at all. (turns to Simmons and Grif) Grif! Simmons! You remember sending Doc to another dimension?
SIMMONS:Who?
SARGE:Doc! The purple guy!
GRIF:Doc... (swaps looks with Simmons) ...Oh, yeah! I guess we did do that!
Cut to Tucker, Caboose, Grey and Doc.
TUCKER:Yeah, I totally forgot too.
SIMMONS:Huh, I guess he's just got one of those faces, you know? Like really forgettable.
TUCKER:Totally. Alright, we'll talk to you guys later!
SARGE:(over radio) Try not to die!
TUCKER:You too! (turns off radio and turns to Doc) Man, I guess we just never noticed you were gone. Crazy, huh?
DOC:Huh, crazy. (starts chuckling) Crazy? (starts laughing) Crazy?!
Doc starts laughing madly, lapsing into Omega-esque maniacal laughter. Caboose starts laughing in a mock evil way too after a moment.
DOC:(in Omega manner) You incompetent fools! You will all taste OBLIVION!!!
Doc suddenly tackles Tucker and starts beating him up, still laughing like when he was possessed by Omega. Caboose is still laughing. Tucker groans with every punch.
GREY:Em... should we... do something?
CABOOSE:(still laughs, briefly pausing) Oh no, he's a friend. (resumes laughing)
TUCKER:Ow, my insides- ! (interrupted by Doc's punch, Caboose still laughs for a moment)


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 11: Dish Best Served

Sharkface jumps over the hilltop and slides down the mountainside. When he reaches the plateau at the frozen lake he starts running and turns around to look behind him.
SHARKFACE:Huh?
He sees Carolina, who jumps at him and delivers a straight punch to his face. Sharkface reels from the punch, when Carolina somersaults and makes a butterfly kick downwards onto his head again and then kicks him back into a pile of snow, where he is knocked down. Cut to Carolina in a fighting pose.
CAROLINA:Heh, still got it.
EPSILON:(voice only) Yeah, congratulations. Now, can we get back to the thing we came here for?
CAROLINA:(turns around and starts to walk away) I had to make sure he wasn't a threat.
EPSILON:Having to stroke your own ego is more like it.
CAROLINA:Oh, please. Like you're one to talk!
Suddenly Sharkface appears behind Carolina, takes her Battle Rifle and kicks her onto the ground. Her Magnum also drops from her. She turns to face Sharkface.
EPSILON:What the hell?!
SHARKFACE:You're very efficient at administrating pain, Carolina. (kicks away the Magnum as he speaks) But pain is something I've learned to live with.
Sharkface throws away Carolina's rifle. It slides a little on the ice, until stopping. Cut to Crash Site Alpha. A Rebel is firing from cover.
FED:Incoming!! (slides into the cover)
REBEL:Hey, whoa whoa whoa! What do you think you're doing?
FED:What?
REBEL:You go find your own cover! This is mine!
FED:No way! We can share it!
REBEL:(stands up) Over my dead body! (a sniper bullet to the head kills him)
FED:(melodically) Irony.
Cut to a cloaked Locus reloading his sniper rifle.
TOWER 2 PIRATE:(over radio) Tower 2 here. We're picking up enemy aircraft on our radar. Looks like they're staying out of range.
LOCUS:Hold position. By the time reinforcements arrive (cut to view from Locus' sniper scope viewing the battlefield) there'll be noone left for them to save. (starts aiming for Jensen and Palomo shooting from behind a boulder)
WASHINGTON:(over radio) You really should've killed when you had the chance, Locus.
TOWER 2 PIRATE:Who's that?
WASHINGTON:(over radio) I know you can hear me. I made sure this was broadcasting on all open channels.
LOCUS:(walks toward the cliff face of his sniper nest) Reckless behavior, even for you.
WASHINGTON:(over radio) I guess I'm just full of disappointments. You know, I've been thinking about the last time we met. The questions you asked me.
LOCUS:We're past the point of talk, Agent Washington. Goodbye.
WASHINGTON:(over radio) I'm at the southwest side of the crash site. (Locus looks through the scope and suddenly sees Wash's helmet pop up from behind cover) You still don't feel like talking?
LOCUS:(shoots) No.
Cut to Washington picking up his helmet, which was attached to the end of his Battle Rifle. He puts the helmet on.
WASHINGTON:Please tell me you caught the vapor trail on that shot.
Cut to Smith and Bitters behind cover, watching over the situation.
WASHINGTON:(over radio) He's not gonna fall for the same trick twice.
BITTERS:Oh, we got him.
SMITH:(he and Bitters stand up) Open fire!
The two start to shoot, until they hit Locus, disarming him and decloaking him as well. Locus runs down from his sniping spot to cover.
BITTERS:Woohoo! Eat a dick, you Predator knock-off!
SMITH:Jensen, status report.
Cut to Jensen and Palomo at the engines. Palomo is providing cover fire for Jensen.
JENSEN:Engines all set and ready for smokescreen. Thanks for the cover, guys!
PALOMO:Hey, what about me?
JENSEN:You would've made an excellent human shield, Palomo.
PALOMO:Thank you.
Cut to Kimball and the Reds inside the ship wreck.
WASHINGTON:(over radio) You guys get that?
SARGE:Loud and clear!
KIMBALL:(to Reds) You sure this will work?
SIMMONS:Oh god, no!
GRIF:Well, it's better than getting shot I guess. ...Or is it? Wait, what happens if this doesn't work?
SIMMONS:(nonchalant) We explode.
KIMBALL:(sarcastically) Great. (walks towards a group of Feds and Rebels firing) Everybody listen up! (the soldiers cease fire and turn to Kimball) We're making our move!
Cut to the outside of the ship. The engine releases a large smokesceen, shrouding the entire battlefield in smoke. Locus regroups with two space pirates firing their weapons.
LOCUS:Form a perimeter, and hold the line.
Cut to two pirates looking aimlessly within the smoke.
SPACE PIRATE 1:God damn it, I can't see shit.
A Warthog with Sarge, Simmons, and Grif appears out of the smoke... in slow motion. They hit three Space Pirates, with a Rocket Hog and another Warthog following them.
SARGE:Life finds a way!
Cut to Locus accompanied by two space pirates.
SPACE PIRATE 2:They broke through the line, sir! Should we follow?
Short pause
LOCUS:No. Their reinforcements will be waiting. Stand down.
WASHINGTON:(over radio) All that time we were with the Feds, I knew you were watching me, making sure I wasn't a threat.
Cut to Wash sitting in the shotgun seat of a fleeing warthog, speaking to Locus via radio.
WASHINGTON:Which was why I took the time to watch you. You know, you might see our similarities, Locus.
Cut back to Locus.
WASHINGTON:(over radio) But you still can't see that between the two of us, that I'm the soldier, and you're just a killer.
LOCUS:(to Space Pirate 2) I need a vehicle.
Cut to Doc pummeling Tucker at the Eastern Mountain Range. Dr. Grey and Caboose are seen behind them. Tucker yells "Ow!" after every one of Doc's punches. Doc still speaks in Omega's voice.
DOC:And take this! And that! And then take two of this! And call my other personality in the morning! (laughs maniacally)
DR. GREY:(to Caboose) And you say he's a... medic?
CABOOSE:Yep. And a pacifier.
TUCKER:(while being punched by Doc) Pacifist. (continues saying "Ow" as Doc punches him)
CABOOSE:(to Dr. Grey) Yeah, but sometimes he gets really weird and calls himself "O'Malley" and tries to destroy the world. Yeah it's like an inside joke.
DR. GREY:You are, without question, the most fascinating group of individuals I have ever had the pleasure of meeting!
TUCKER:(yelling in pain) I'M DYING!! (yells in pain)
DR. GREY:Oh, great!
Dr. Grey rushes towards Doc and knocks him off of Tucker.
DOC:Ugh!! The back of my head!
TUCKER:(gets up) Ugh! You couldn't have done that any sooner?!
GREY:Oh calm down. You've got a medic to patch you up later.
TUCKER:Calm down? Calm down?! Carolina and Church are gone, Doyle is still missing and now we've got Dr. Evil ready to beat us to death as soon as he wakes up!! So if we don't find this stupid sword and get out of here in the next five minutes, (screams) I'm going to have a god damn heart attack!!!
CABOOSE:(turning to his right) Oh well, maybe those guys have seen it.
Cut to the two Pirates that were shooting at them earlier. One of them reloads his rifle.
TUCKER:Oh, give me a fucking break!!!
The Pirates prepare to fire, but are suddenly shot from behind by Donut and Lopez.
DONUT:Boo-yah! Consider yourselves penetrated!
LOPEZ:Creo que quisiste decir perforados.
CAPTION:I think you meant perforated.
DONUT:Thanks, Lopez! I do live la vida loca.
GREY:Well, there you go.
TUCKER:I honestly don't know if this is better or worse.
GREY:You all go find General Doyle. I'll stay here and make sure your medic friend is okay.
TUCKER:Sounds good. (walks away) Come on, let's go!
Caboose and Lopez go with Tucker, Donut meanwhile spots Doc lying on the ground.
DONUT:Hey, is that Doc?
TUCKER:(off screen) Yep!
DONUT:Huh, feels like I haven't seen him in ages! Weird. (follows the others)
Cut back to Sharkface and Carolina fighting. Sharkface makes a roundhouse kick, but Carolina ducks under his leg. When he turns around, she rapidly punches him in quick succession, but Sharkface blocks all three punches. She then jumps and punches him in the head, ending the combo. Sharkface reels from the punch, but quickly gets back to Carolina. Carolina then spins, ramming her arms into him, but he blocks the volley with his arm and then elbows her in the face. Carolina makes a flying reverse roundhouse kick, but Sharkface ducks and punts her away. He then rams his arm into her, but Carolina twists it around, smacks Sharkface in the throat, grabs the other arm, elbows his face and then twists his arm, audibly dislocating it, ending with a kick in the back sending Sharkface on the ground. Sharkface also loses his Assault Rifle in the process.
CAROLINA:Epsilon, BioScan.
EPSILON:(voice only) Shoulder's dislocated. Guy's a pincushion, he's got plates and staples all over his body.
CAROLINA:Weak points?
EPSILON:(voice only) More like reinforcements.
Sharkface is slowly trying to get up amidst Church's scan. By now, he's back up.
SHARKFACE:(stands up) You Freelancers love your gadgets. But it's a step in the right direction (audibly relocates his shoulder back into its socket)
CAROLINA:Who are you?
SHARKFACE:Your past come back to haunt you.
Carolina lunges at him, but he preemptively kicks her leg down and punches her in the head. He follows up with ramming his fist on her shoulder, a punch to the chest and a backhanded punch to the face and a follow-up straight punch also to her face. He tries punching her again, but Carolina blocks the punch with her arms crossed.
CAROLINA:What did I ever do to you?!
SHARKFACE:You still don't know?
Carolina tries twisting his arms, but Sharkface grabs her by the neck.
SHARKFACE:Let me jog your memory.
A HISS IS HEARD, THEN SOMETHING POPS OUT FROM UNDER SHARKFACE'S GAUNTLET:a miniature flamethrower, which activates; Carolina dodges, with it narrowly missing Carolina's head. Sharkface kicks her in the gut, pushing her away.
SHARKFACE:You're gonna burn for what you did to me, Carolina!
CAROLINA:You were at the vault the day of the heist. Part of the Resistance.
EPSILON:(voice only) He was what?!
SHARKFACE:That's right! So now you understand why you have to die. (activates the flamethrower in his other gauntlet)
Sharkface lashes out with his arm, sending a wave of flame, but Carolina locks his arm and jams the flamethrower, stopping it from firing. He tries to fry her with the other arm, but she blocks it the same way. Sharkface then attempts to lock in a swift punch but Carolina blocks it and rams her wrist into Sharkface's head. Sharkface lashes out again and attempts to incinerate Carolina, but she locks his flamethrower shut, shoves her foot onto Sharkface's chest and kicks him away onto the frozen lake, performing a back flip in the process.
As Sharkface plops onto the center of the lake Carolina jumps on top of him, slightly cracking the ice, and delivers a quick punch. Sharkface then elbows the ice, causing it to crack more. Carolina delivers another punch and Sharkface elbows the ice again, cracking it further. The sound of the crack heightens, alerting Carolina, who looks around and notices more cracks forming. Sharkface then uses both elbows to fully crack the lake, causing him to fall into the tunnel below. Carolina catches the edge of the lake but Sharkface pulls out a grappling hook and connects it to Carolina's ankle.
EPSILON:(voice only) What the fuck is with this guy?!
Carolina tries to pull herself back up but is pulled down into the cave, hitting a few cliffs on her way down. Carolina and Sharkface then slide around inside the cave, with Carolina managing to disconnect the grappling hook from her ankle. She then jumps on top of Sharkface, smacks the grappler out of his hand and begins to punch to him. As the two slide towards a pillar, Carolina hops off of Sharkface and the two proceed to dodge several pillars scattered around them. Sharkface pulls out his pistol and fires at Carolina, but the bullets deflect on the pillars. He then kicks himself off of a pillar in order to get closer to Carolina. The two are then seen side by side, in which Sharkface fires at Carolina, but realizes he is out of bullets.
SHARKFACE:Huh?
Carolina then slide-smashes into Sharkface, slowing down his momentum. She then begins sliding her way closer to the exit.
CAROLINA:Epsilon, I need armor enhancements!
EPSILON:(voice only) Which one?
Carolina looks back, Sharkface is right behind her. Sharkface finally reloads his pistol.
CAROLINA:(off screen) All of them!
Sharkface fires at Carolina again. Carolina slides out of the cave and activates her bubble shield while in midair, with the bullets ricocheting off the shield. Carolina then deactivates her shield just before landing on the ground below. She then activates her adaptive camoflauge and jumps towards the cave exit using her speed boost, just as Sharkface is exiting. She catches Sharkface in midair and smashes him into the mountain wall, trapping him. She punches him but Sharkface kicks her off. Carolina hits the ground.
EPSILON:(appears next to Carolina) Carolina, you okay?
CAROLINA:(slowly stands up) Just run the Healing Unit.
EPSILON:That's a lot for me to handle!
CAROLINA:We've almost got him!
The two look back at Sharkface, who manages to free himself from the wall. He lands onto the ground below across from Carolina and Epsilon.
SHARKFACE:No, this where I get you.
Sharkface pulls out two frag grenades, clips them, and tosses them high into the air. He then gets in ready position, throws back his arms and pulls out his flamethrowers from his wrist plates.
EPSILON:Oh, you've gotta be fucking kidding me.
The two frags explode above, causing an avalanche. Sharkface activates his flamethrowers and propels himself straight towards Carolina.
EPSILON:RUN!! (disappears)
Carolina dashes off down the mountain. She looks back; Sharkface is gaining on her.
CAROLINA:Gotta go faster!
EPSILON:(voice only) We're running out of mountain!
CAROLINA:What?!
EPSILON:(voice only) Drop coming, but if you jump, there's a lake at the bottom.
CAROLINA:No, we can do it! We hit him again and end this!
Carolina spins around and readies herself for the approaching Sharkface.
EPSILON:(voice only) Wait! STOP!!
Time freezes. Epsilon appears next to a "motionless" Carolina.
EPSILON:Theta, send all power to her legs and stabilizers!
EPSILON-THETA:(appears, clutching his head) I'm trying!
Epsilon-Delta then appears on command.
EPSILON:Delta, prioritize the-
Delta's avatar begins to flicker and distort.
EPSILON:Delta?
Delta's avatar continues to flicker, until it shatters.
EPSILON-THETA:(off screen) It's too much!
Epsilon turns to face Theta. Theta too is distorted.
EPSILON-THETA:What do we do?! (his image distorts and then Theta's avatar shatters too)
Epsilon looks over the situation, helpless. His image flickering and distorting.
EPSILON:...I don't know.
Epsilon distorts a little more and then his avatar shatters too. Carolina's armor equipment completely shuts down. Time speeds back up to normal. Carolina trips, tumbles and slides, roaring, and then falls off the edge of the cliff. She falls through several trees and eventually lands in the forest below the cliff, while rocks fall all around her. When it's all over, Sharkface looks down from the cliff, then turns around and walks away.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 12: Off-Key

General Doyle, still carrying the Great Key of Chorus, is seen running until he reaches a very steep cliff ledge. He stops just short of the edge.
DOYLE:(panting) OHHH, dear!!
Felix shows up behind him.
FELIX:(chuckling) End of the line, General.
DOYLE:I wouldn't advise pointing that weapon at me; (turns to face Felix and holds the sword over the edge of the cliff) I am prone to fainting after all!
FELIX:(lowers weapon) Oh? Very bold... but a coward doesn't put his life on the line like that. And you are a coward, Donald Doyle.
DOYLE:Shoot me, and you lose the Sword!
FELIX:You're bluffing.
DOYLE:You can't take that chance.
Felix slowly walks forward, weapon raised.
FELIX:I can if it's a sure thing.
DOYLE:STAY BACK!
FELIX:Give me the sword.
DOYLE:FINE! ...Fine... (turns off the Sword) You can have it... (throws the Sword into the air, off the cliff) AH! HA!
FELIX:NO!
Doyle runs away from the cliff while Felix runs forward. He leaps onto the cliff edge, barely catching the Sword in his left hand.
FELIX:Gotcha!
Cut to Caboose, Tucker, Donut, and Lopez running to General Doyle's position.
DONUT:There he is!
DOYLE:(yelling) He has the Sword!
TUCKER:What?! (looks up to where Felix is on the cliff) Oh, shit!
The Reds and Blues present take aim and fire at Felix. Felix brings up his lightshield and deflects the shots.
FELIX:Well look who it is; Lavernius Tucker, and his other less important but equally annoying friends.
Cut back to the group
CABOOSE:(shouting) No one steals from the North Pole and gets away with it!
DONUT:I don't really see how that's relevant, but I agree!
TUCKER:Hand over the Sword, Felix!
Cut to a shot from behind Feilx, as he holsters the Sword on his magnetic hardpoint.
FELIX:Oh, now I think I am going to keep that right here.
TUCKER:Dude, you're surrounded! You've got nowhere to go!
FELIX:Then come get me. (stands his ground, Hard light shield still up).
Cut to Tucker, who doesn't move, still pointing his weapon at Felix.
FELIX:Oh... not so tough after all, huh? I guess without your big bad, Freelancer buddies, you can't really do much, can you?
TUCKER:We've outsmarted you!
FELIX:Oh, I'm well aware of that, Tucker. You see, not many people get the best of me. (Cut to a wide view of the cliff Felix is on as Locus ascends from beneath the cliff in a Falcon, facing the Reds and Blues with Doyle) But no one gets the best of me and lives to tell about it.
CABOOSE:Ohhh, that's- that's bad.
FRECKLES:Affirmative!
DOYLE:He was stalling!
TUCKER:Ya think?!
Locus fires the ship's cannons on the Reds and Blues and Doyle, who take cover behind some rock outcroppings nearby. Felix gets on the fighter.
FELIX:(sighs) And you say I talk too much.
LOCUS:You do.
Locus flies away from the scene, Felix on board with the Sword.
FELIX:(yelling back at the group as he flies away) Ha, ha, ha, Sayonara, losers!
Cut back to Doyle and the Reds and Blues.
DOYLE:You have to stop them! He's going to use that Sword to kill us all!
TUCKER:Chill out, I don't think he knows how it works yet.
DOYLE:What makes you say that?
TUCKER:Well, if he did, he probably wouldn't have left without killing you.
DOYLE:...Uhhh... me?
CABOOSE:Yeah, ummm... whatever happened to Church?
Cut to the bottom of the cliff where Carolina landed. She is lying unconscious in the snow while Epsilon sits on top of her chest plate, slowly shaking his head.
EPSILON:She is going to be so pissed off when she wakes up.
Cut to the Armonia vehicle hanger, with Lopez waiting nearby as drivers pull up in damaged vehicles. Cut to Simmons, Grif, Sarge, Caboose, and Tucker inside the War Room. There is silence for a few seconds.
GRIF:Sooo, uh... that did not go well.
Tucker, Simmons, and Caboose almost speak in unison.
TUCKER:Yeah.
SIMMONS:Mmm-Hm.
CABOOSE:It was real bad... (short pause) We found Doc.
GRIF:Uhh, yeah.
SIMMONS:That's technically good.
SARGE:...Well I had a great time!
Kimball is then heard yelling nearby.
KIMBALL:(off screen) Oh, GOOD FOR YOU!
SARGE:Thank you!
Cut to Kimball and Doyle entering the room.
KIMBALL:No, not you! Him!
DOYLE:It was a split second decision, and I stand by it!
KIMBALL:Well, thanks to you, the mercenaries now have the power to kill us all.
DOYLE:Only if I die first!
KIMBALL:Great! So now we'll get to waste valuable men to guard you 24/7!
DOYLE:Well, we'd have more men if you hadn't led them all into a trap!
KIMBALL:Don't you dare turn this around on me.
Cut to Agent Washington facing the group.
WASHINGTON:Okay, ENOUGH! (walks over to Doyle and Kimball) You two are acting like children!
GRIF:HA-HA! You're immature!
KIMBALL:(turns to Grif) Dish duty!
GRIF:Fuck!
WASHINGTON:What's done is done. So let's quit focusing on what went wrong and start thinking about what we have now, and what we can start doing.
SIMMONS:How's Church and Carolina?
DOYLE:Our dear friend Emily has assured me that Carolina will make a full recovery. Uhh, as well as your purple friend from the caves.
SIMMONS:Eh, tough luck, can't win 'em all.
WASHINGTON:Epsilon's situation is more problematic; he's doing fine now, but there's something he's not telling us. Complete armor failure just doesn't happen out of the blue.
SARGE:Well, if you want my tactical assessment-
GRIF:We don't.
SARGE:(continues) -It looks to me like we've got to get to the alien-phone-tower-thingy, pronto! Make a collect call to Earth.
WASHINGTON:Well...
SARGE:Dial 1-800-Send-ships-and-kill-pirates! Standard text-messaging rates apply.
WASHINGTON:...Are you done?
SARGE:I'll think of more.
WASHINGTON:We can't go barging in like we did with Alpha.
DOYLE:I couldn't agree more.
KIMBALL:Well, we can't just sit here and wait for Charon to attack!
DOYLE:Why not? It's heavily fortified and the city reactor rules out the risk of aerial bombings. Our alien artifacts are no good to Charon post-explosion, my dear.
KIMBALL:Then they'll surround us and wait for our supplies to run dry. Jesus, don't you think about any of this?!
DOYLE:So, you suggest we throw Tucker out there to search for the tower? They'll kill him, and then they'll have two Swords!
TUCKER:Hey, I could make it... maybe.
KIMBALL:I don't have all of the answers, General, but I do know that sometimes you have to risk lives if you want to see results. Even your own. Especially your own. You should have thrown that Sword off the mountain and taken the fucking bullet, but you're too much of a stupid, selfish coward to see that.
WASHINGTON:KIMBALL!!
KIMBALL:...This meeting is over. (leaves)
WASHINGTON:Wait, we need to come up with a plan!
Another brief silence.
GRIF:Sooo, uh... that didn't really go well either.
DOYLE:She's right, though... (starts walking away as well)
WASHINGTON:Where are you going?!
DOYLE:My quarters. I'm a failure of a General, and apparently a failure of a human being. Should any of you actually need me, you know where to find me. (walks around the corner)
SIMMONS:Actually, I don't think you ever told us where your quarters are.
DOYLE:(yelling from down the hallway) Well then I'm a failure at leaving, too!
The sound of the door closing can be heard. Cut back to Tucker, Caboose, and Sarge.
TUCKER:Well, shit.
SARGE:I say forget the both of them. If they don't want to run this show, then we'll just do it for them. First order of business: Red uniforms!
WASHINGTON:The problem isn't just with them. The Feds and Rebels may be working together, but they still aren't... working together. There's no trust, no... anything!
SIMMONS:Well, it took us ages before we were able to trust the Blues.
GRIF:Yeah, and some of us are still working on it.
Camera rotates from Simmons and Grif to Sarge, who is pointing his Shotgun into the back of Caboose's head, muttering incomprehensibly.
TUCKER:Face it dude, these guys spent years killing each other. They're not going to get all buddy-buddy.
WASHINGTON:I know. But if we can't bring them together soon, we're not going to stand a chance.
Fade to black.
SARGE:(off screen) Operator, I'd like to place a collect-call... to vengeance! Knew I had one more in me!


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 13: The Thin Fed Line

Fade in, outside the Armonia Hospital, at which five medical officers comprising of the New Republic and the Federal Army, seem to be talking to one another as the Intercom comes over.
INTERCOM:Paging Doctor Wooten. Doctor Wooten? ...Doctor Wooten?
Cut to Dr. Grey and Donut inside the hospital, whereas Donut is talking to Doc about their experiences since Doc has been missing.
ARMONIA HOSPITAL
DONUT:And then it turned out Felix was evil, so we exposed the truth, stopped the civil war, and now we're fighting to send a distress call to Earth!
Cut to Doc facing them.
DOC:And at no point, during any of this, did you realize I was missing?
Donut and Dr. Grey glance at each other then look back to Doc.
DONUT:...Apparently not!
DOC:(in O'Malley's voice) ARGH, I will destroy you all for your insufferable ignorance!
DR. GREY:Ooh! This is certainly the most vocal split personality I've ever seen. But I suppose an eternity in isolation will do that for you. (turns back to Doc) Tell me, Mr. O'Malley, when you say you wish to "destroy us all", what exactly do you think you mean by that?
DOC:(in O'Malley's voice) I mean you will cease to exist! You will all die by my hand! Hahahaha! Really, it's quite self-explanatory.
DR. GREY:Well, I think there is some serious issues here we're just starting to get a hold of! Nothing a little electro-shock therapy couldn't fix...
DOC:(in O'Malley's voice) HA -- I beg your pardon?
Dr. Grey walks up to Doc with her medical scanner glowing.
DR. GREY:(seductively) After you, handsome.
DOC:(normal voice) Wa-wait! Can't we talk about this?
DONUT:We're gonna fix you right up, Doc! Where should I stick the thermometer?
DOC:Uh... I think I need to get second opinion!
DR. GREY:We got a runner!
Doc sprints away from Dr. Grey and Donut. Dr. Grey and Donut start chasing after him. Carolina is seen from the corner of the room, watching them. Epsilon appears next to Carolina.
EPSILON:Finally! Some freakin' quiet... Hey, wanna see if she left her prescription pad?
CAROLINA:We need to talk.
EPSILON:(disappointed) Oh. Yeah... can we at least do it when your on heavy sedatives?
Cut to the streets of Armonia, with one Federal Army soldier facing Palomo. Next to them is Tucker, Sarge, Simmons, Caboose and Grif.
SIMMONS:Alright, let's try this again. First, we start with a friendly handshake.
The two face each other. Palomo makes a strange spitting sound at the soldier.
PALOMO:Devil man.
FEDERAL ARMY SOLDIER:Did you just spit inside your helmet?
PALOMO:Take yourself, and fuck yourself... with yourself.
FEDERAL ARMY SOLDIER:...What?
PALOMO:Exactly!
TUCKER:God damn it, Palomo.
SIMMONS:Well, it's a step-up from assault and battery.
PALOMO:He provoked me!
FEDERAL ARMY SOLDIER:You Rebels are all fucking nuts.
PALOMO:That's impossible! Nuts don't have orifices! Go back to school!
FEDERAL ARMY SOLDIER:What about doughnuts?
PALOMO:Now you're just speaking in riddles and you know it!
Grif and Sarge glance at each other, then Sarge looks at them.
SARGE:...I'm having a hard time following this conversation.
TUCKER:Ugh, forget it. You guys can go.
FEDERAL ARMY SOLDIER:Fine. (walks off)
PALOMO:(turns to Tucker) How'd I do?
TUCKER:You are a constant source of disappointment.
PALOMO:Alright! (walks off)
CABOOSE:Hey... I thought I was a constant source of disappointment. Well I will just have to try harder! SOMEONE GIVE ME A SCREWDRIVER!
TUCKER:Ugh! Why is this happening now!? We're in the middle of a fucking war and these guys won't do anything but hate on each other!
GRIF:The problem isn't with them. It's just with your approach.
SARGE:What the heck's that supposed to mean?
GRIF:You can't force people into liking each other. You just gotta lie to them until they think they like each other.
SIMMONS:That sounds like a terrible idea.
TUCKER:No, he's right. I used the same tactic on women a million times!
GRIF:This is basic shit. First, we tell Doyle Kimball wants to apologize and meet him for dinner. Then, we tell Kimball that Doyle wants to apologize then invite her to the same restaurant.
SIMMONS:Oh, come on, there's no way that'll work! That's a plot point used in old sitcoms!
GRIF:And one of those sitcoms was called "Friends", which is exactly what we want them to be! Case closed!
SARGE:Face it moron, we just ain't cut out for this kinda job. What we need is someone with a more delicate touch. Someone that can act as a neutral force. Someone that's neither red nor blue, but some sort of disgusting middle ground, like a... dark fuchsia.
At that moment, Doc runs past the five, and trailing behind is Dr. Grey and Donut, while Caboose looks in their direction.
DOC:You'll never take me alive! I ran track in high school!
DR. GREY:Running only makes me want you more!
Silence for a few moments, then Sarge turns to the crew.
SARGE:If only we knew someone that-
SIMMONS:Oh just stop.
Cut to Epsilon and Carolina facing each other on a rocky outpass outside of the Armonia grounds, essentially the boundaries.
ARMONIA CITY LIMITS
CAROLINA:What happened to you? You were with me one minute then the next you were gone.
EPSILON:Alright, I know what you're tryin' to talk about here. Look, sometimes guys my age have performance issues, it's completely natural!
CAROLINA:Epsilon, I'm serious.
EPSILON:Hey, me too! This shit's embarrassing and now I gotta talk to Dr. Grey about getting some pills-
CAROLINA:Stop dodging me on this!
EPSILON:(sighs) Look, I'm not failing if that's what you're worked up about, but... I have my limits.
CAROLINA:What do you mean?
EPSILON:I mean you can't expect me to run all of your armor equipment at the drop of a hat! I'm not a young, brand new A.I.! I'm just one of the fragments.
CAROLINA:...Look, I'm sorry if I pushed you too far. But we can't use that as an excuse. We're going to need every advantage we can get!
EPSILON:(sarcastically) Ohh, your right! Would you like some holographic projections too? How about a time distortion while you fight? Or, ooh, we could get you a seat warmer! How about that?
CAROLINA:You know what we're up against!
EPSILON:And you know what happened to the Meta!
CAROLINA:...What did you just say?
EPSILON:He kept fighting for more and more power too, and in the end it got him killed.
CAROLINA:Don't you ever talk about Maine like you knew him!
EPSILON:I'm just trying to show you how close you're getting to crossing a very dangerous line. You're Agent Carolina! You don't need all this fancy stuff to win! You're already the best!
CAROLINA:I appreciate the thought, Church. I really do.
EPSILON:Good, 'cause I am really not all about this sincerity stuff.
CAROLINA:But the only reason we survived the radio jammer is because Locus is insane! He could've killed Wash, and they both could've done a lot more!
EPSILON:But they didn't! So what does it have to do with anything anyway!?
CAROLINA:I told you when I went through the gateway that I saw the Freelancers... I had to watch them die.
EPSILON:...Oh...
CAROLINA:And after they were gone, I saw all of you. ...Wash, Tucker, the Reds and.... Church, I can't lose another family.
Cut to Doyle standing with two soldiers behind him, revealing to have heard their conversation.
DOYLE:You're scared. (Carolina and Epsilon turn to him) Er, forgive me. But I'm all too familiar with the feeling.
CAROLINA:What are you doing here?
Doyle walks up to them.
DOYLE:It's my favorite part of the Capital. Just far enough away from everything. I come here whenever I need a moment. It looks as though you had a similar idea?
EPSILON:Shouldn't you be in the center of town, behind seventy-eight inches of bulletproof everything!?
DOYLE:Oh, there's all sorts of things we should be doing. We should be prepping our next move against the enemy. But instead we're here, standing around, talking.
EPSILON:Yeah. You get used to it.
DOYLE:You know, I believe it was the great William Shakespeare who said: "Courage is not the absence of fear. It is acting in spite of it." I don't believe those words have ever been more relevant.
EPSILON:...I don't think that was Shakespeare.
DOYLE:What?
EPSILON:That quote. I don't think he said that.
DOYLE:...Really?
EPSILON:Yeah, pretty sure.
CAROLINA:Uh, yeah.
DOYLE:...Oh.
Camera slowly pans out from the three.
CAROLINA:Still. It's a good quote.
DOYLE:Thank you.
EPSILON:Well, here's to hoping the mercs are just as frustrated as the rest of us.
Cut to the mercs' base, where Felix is angrily banging the useless key on a table whilst Locus and Sharkface watch from afar.
FELIX:I... AM EXTREMELY... FRUSTRATED!
SHARKFACE:Get a grip.
FELIX:How?! How do you forget to mention something as important as that?!
SHARKFACE:We were in a hurry.
Felix puts away the key, then pulls out his rifle.
FELIX:(darkly sarcastic) Oh, you were in a hurry? Hey, Locus, you know I was really thinking about letting Sharkface live, but since we're in a hurry, how about we just fucking kill him?!
SHARKFACE:I'd like to see you try.
FELIX:Done. (raises his rifle at Sharkface)
LOCUS:No violence between partners.
FELIX:(lowers rifle) He's not a partner, he's an idiot! And thanks to him, we've got a key that does NOTHING until the General is dead!
SHARKFACE:Then we kill the General.
FELIX:The grown-ups are talking, fishstick.
LOCUS:Quiet! We have the advantage and we have a plan. So quit moaning, and do your job. (turns to Sharkface) Both of you.
SHARKFACE:You're the boss. (Sharkface heads off, and Locus turns to Felix)
LOCUS:I'll sync with the Tartarus. You need to get your head together.
FELIX:(scoffs then speaks under his breath) Said the raving lunatic. (walks off)
Locus approaches a screen and switches it on. The Counselor appears on it.
COUNSELOR:Locus. The Tartarus is maintaining orbit around the planet as discussed.
LOCUS:Good.
COUNSELOR:Shall I inform Carmichael that you wish to speak with him?
LOCUS:That won't be necessary. I'd like to ask you a few questions.
COUNSELOR:How can I be of assistance?
LOCUS:I want to know more about the Meta.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 14: Counseling

Fade in to Armonia overlooking a nearby garage. Cut to Doc.
DOC:So, you think you can just send me to another dimension, forget my very existence, and then expect me to help you when you're in trouble?
Cut to the Reds and Blues.
SARGE:Yes.
DOC:Finally! All I ever wanted was to be included... (in O'Malley's voice) Mwhaha! This is why no one respects you. (normal voice) Come on O'Malley! Don't be such a negative nancy. (O'Malley's voice) If you had a dog, it'd chew through it's leash and run into traffic.
SIMMONS:Hey, I had a dog that did that.
GRIF:Surprising no one.
Washington rushes towards the group.
WASHINGTON:There you are! What hell have you all been doing?
TUCKER:Oh, just a little thing we like to call saving the planet!
WASHINGTON:We've got Kimballs' men threatening to leave the Capital, while Doyle's forces are setting up a perimeter to keep them in! If we don't act soon we're gonna have another civil war on our hands!
SARGE:Don't you worry your pretty little yellow striped head, Wash! We've got everything under control.
WASHINGTON:How!?
DOC:An honest and down-to-earth counseling session!
WASHINGTON:... What?
Cut to the Reds and Blues standing in the War Room with Kimball and Doyle. Doc is facing them.
DOC:A counseling session. Just you two and your closest friends, here to talk and support you.
KIMBALL:This is a waste of time.
DOYLE:I concur.
DOC:See, you're already agreeing on things! The system works!
WASHINGTON:(to Kimball and Doyle, quietly) I am so sorry.
DOC:Okay! Let's start things off with a little roleplay, shall we?
DONUT:Yeah! Dibs on police officer!
SIMMONS:...What?
DOC:C'mon, don't be shy! Look, it's easy! (turns to Grif) Grif, why don't you pretend to be me, and I'll pretend to be you!
GRIF:Uhhh... Hey, everybody, look at me, I'm Doc...
DOC:(in O'Malley's voice) And I'm Dexter Grif! Reporting for duty. Oh, wait, never mind! I forgot that I'm a worthless sack of human excrement, that wouldn't be caught dead following orders, because I'm too busy wishing my parents loved me as much as my sister, hahaha! Maybe if I had a stable father figure growing up I wouldn't be so opposed to order, but I guess that's just what happens when your mother turns tricks behind the elephant cage at the circus, hahahaha! Here Dex, have some more cotton candy! Hahahahaha!
Moment of silence as everyone looks at Grif simultaneously.
GRIF:(lowers head sadly) It was a nice circus...
DOC:(in normal voice) Ohhhh, gosh... sorry about that... maybe we should try something else.
SARGE:(watching Grif mourn) I don't know, I think we're making progress!
Cut to space, where the Tartarus is seen orbiting around Chorus. Several asteroids asre scattered around the ship.
COUNSELOR:(off screen) The Meta?
LOCUS:(off screen) Yes. (Cut to the interior of the Tartarus where the Counselor is seen talking to Locus through a screen) Any additional information we can gather on our enemies vital to success.
COUNSELOR:Would it not be more beneficial to discuss Agents Carolina and Washington?
LOCUS:No. I have a full understanding on Washington. His background no longer interests me. The same can be said for Carolina.
COUNSELOR:Very well. What would you like to know?
LOCUS:The Meta had the potential for perfection. How was it possible that he was defeated by a group of incompetent simulation troopers?
COUNSELOR:Agent Maine survived numerous injuries during his time with the Freelancers. Most would have been lethal had they been inflicted upon any other man. However, in the end, four puncture wounds in his suit resulted in asphyxiation by liquid. He drowned.
LOCUS:I'm aware of how he died, I want to know why he was unable to prevent it.
COUNSELOR:As did the rest of us. It seemed impossible at the time but as you've already seen, the simulation troopers are extraordinarily resilient.
LOCUS:He had every possible advantage.
COUNSELOR:But they had each other. They had what our agents never fully achieved: complete and total faith in one another. I think it's important to note that had the Reds and Blues combated Agent Maine prior to the destruction of his A.I., it's possible events may have played out differently.
LOCUS:Why is that?
COUNSELOR:You must remember that Agent Maine and the Meta are two distinctly different psyches. The Meta was the result of the Sigma A.I. manipulating Maine. His sole objective was perfection. (as he speaks, outside, two asteroids float towards each other slowly) When the A.I. fragments were destroyed by Agent Washington, the Meta was destroyed along with them, (the smaller asteroid smashes into the larger one as he says this, breaking it into pieces) leaving behind a damaged shell of a man. Unlike Sigma, his only remaining goal was to obtain power. His actions were more reckless. His behavior, more sporadic.
LOCUS:(cut back to the Counselor) And before Sigma? What was he like then?
COUNSELOR:A brute. Strong. Unrelenting. Fearless. He had no qualms when asked to do the unpleasant. The morally questionable. Because, despite what many thought of him, he knew he was, at his core, a soldier, and his actions inevitably served the greater good.
LOCUS:The greater good is irrelevant. His actions should have been his orders. Nothing more.
COUNSELOR:No. That would make him a slave.
LOCUS:(looks away momentarily) Would you say Maine performed at his best when controlled by Sigma? When the Meta strove to be the perfect weapon.
COUNSELOR:You're mistaken in assuming Sigma's definition of 'perfection'. The Meta never wanted to be a weapon. The Meta wanted to be human. (a moment of silence between the two) Is there anything else you wish to discuss?
LOCUS:...No.
COUNSELOR:Have you noticed a change in your behavior since entering the gateway? I understand the portal attacked the minds of its inhabitants; confronting them with their greatest fears. That could have lasting effects on an individual.
LOCUS:(defensive) I'm fine.
COUNSELOR:I'm inclined to disagree.
LOCUS:You're overstepping your boundaries, Counselor.
COUNSELOR:I'm merely doing my job.
LOCUS:Your job is to --
COUNSELOR:(interrupts him) Would you like to know what Felix is afraid of?
LOCUS:...I --
Cut to Felix standing behind Locus.
FELIX:Locus! The teams are ready. We need you out front.
LOCUS:(turns away from the Counselor hesitantly, then walks off) Of course.
FELIX:(stares at the screen the Counselor is on) I'll be right there. (approaches the Counselor) Gotta say, love what you did with Sharkface. You got more guts than I gave you credit for.
COUNSELOR:I've worked with dangerous patients before.
FELIX:True. ...But if Sharkface ever found out you worked with Freelancer... ooh, I can't imagine things would play out nicely. (as he says this, the Counselor begins to fidget nervously) Keep up the good work, Price. (Felix turns off the screen and walks off)
Cut to Armonia, with the Reds and Blues still in the War Room. Tucker and Caboose are facing each other.
CABOOSE:Tucker, when you call me names like stupid, and really stupid, it makes me feel sad.
DOC:Perfect! Now you, Tucker.
TUCKER:Caboose, when you volunteered us to demonstrate 'speaking our feelings', it made me, feel like hitting you, in the goddamn mouth.
CABOOSE:Yes. Well, now I feel sadder-- (clears throat, then looks at Doc anxiously) Um, are we doing this right?
DOC:Right as rain!
CABOOSE:Oh! Good! Well then NOW I FEEL HAPPY AGAIN! I LOVE COUNSELING!
DOC:Heh heh! Don't we all? (turns to Kimball and Doyle) Okay, now it's your turn!
DOYLE:I'm sorry, but how much longer --
DOC:Aha! Kimball has the speaking ball right now!
Cut to Kimball with a large soccer ball behind her.
KIMBALL:Doc, this isn't going to work.
DOC:Well not with that attitude.
KIMBALL:Attitude isn't our problem, it's a complete and total breakdown in cooperation.
DOYLE:Well, cooperation is a two-way street, Ms. Kimball.
WASHINGTON:(nervously) Oh boy...
KIMBALL:If you want to stay in this death trap of a city, that's fine. But don't think for a second that I'm letting you bring down the New Republic with you.
DOC:Okay, now if we can just all --
DOYLE:Leaving is suicide! You need us just as much as we need you! If you run off now, you'll doom us all!
DOC:Okay, guys! Guys!
KIMBALL:I'd rather die trying something than waste another second standing around here!
DOC:K-Kimball...
KIMBALL:I have the speaking ball!
EPSILON:Uhhh... (cut to him and Carolina standing behind them) The speaking... ball?
KIMBALL:Yes. And you know what? I'm done talking. I'm ready for action. (Kimball begins to walk off)
DOC:W-wait! P-p-please! Look, can't you just say one nice thing about the other person!? Something...? Anything!? (Kimball stops and turns to Doyle)
KIMBALL:I always imagined you as a tyrant. A mad man bent on absolute control. Now I see I was wrong. You're just a stubborn, incompetent man, and I don't know what's worse.
DONUT:Oohh, that's burn.
DOYLE:Do you know what your problem is, Vanessa? You're far too eager to die for your beliefs. When you felt your government had betrayed you, you stood against it. When your leaders fell before you, you took their place, and now when we are at our most vulnerable, you want to fight. I can honestly say... that... I've never met a more courageous individual in all my life.
TUCKER:What!?
KIMBALL:What?
DOC:What? I mean, alright, great job!
DOYLE:I wish -- (sighs softly) I wish I had tenth of the courage that you possess. Maybe if I did, I'd have made a better General. But, I don't. And I'm afraid. Not just for myself, but for my people.
KIMBALL:They're my people too.
DOYLE:Which is precisely why we should be working to save them.
KIMBALL:You think some cheap compliments are going to win me over?
DOYLE:Why do you insist on fighting me!?
WASHINGTON:Look, guys, if we can just --
A large explosion cuts him off, as everyone glances up.
GRIF:Uhh... what was that?
A second explosion sounds, as the radio turns on.
SMITH:(over radio) General Kimball, we're under attack!
KIMBALL:What!?
DOYLE:That's impossible. They'd never risk a bombing run!
SMITH:(over radio) Well, that's the thing...
Cut to outside, where Smith, Jensen, Bitters, Palomo, and other Rebels and Feds are seen looking up.
SMITH:Uh, they're actually not.
The Tartarus is shown looming above Armonia, with space pirates leaping off it and descending into the city using jetpacks. Several pirates land behind a Fed and Rebel and kill them immediately. Sharkface then lands behind them using his flamethrowers.
SHARKFACE:Let's go to work.
Sharkface closes up his flamethrowers. Gunfire is heard as the screen cuts to black.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 15: Armonia, Part 1

Pan in to the Federal Army and New Republic firing at Charon's forces at Armonia. One New Republic soldier is killed. Cut to the War room, where the Blood Gulch Crew, Doyle and Kimball are seen. An alarm blares in the background.
SIMMONS:I thought you guys said we were safe at the Capital!
DOYLE:I never thought they'd be so bold! Th-they'd take too many casualties!
WASHINGTON:I guess they don't care how many people they lose. Once they have the sword, it won't matter.
SARGE:(reloads and pumps shotgun) Then sounds like we gotta make sure they lose all their men!
DOC:(in O'Malley's voice) Mwhaha, yes! Forget the counseling session. Bring on the blood bath! Hahahaha!
DONUT:Let's get out there and stick it to 'em, gang!
EPSILON:Hold up. (everyone turns and looks at him) Um, I got a better idea, but... you're probably not gonna like it.
GRIF:Can't be much worse than the current one.
EPSILON:It's like Kimball said, the Capital's a death trap... but not for us.
Kimball and Doyle glance at each other. Cut to two Space pirates firing at two Feds and Dr. Grey, who are under cover, at the hospital. One of the Feds stands up and fires at the pirates but is shot down immediately.
FEDERAL ARMY SOLDIER 1:Ungh! (falls down and dies)
FEDERAL ARMY SOLDIER 2:(ducks down, frightened) Ahhh...!
ARMONIA HOSPITAL
DR. GREY:What are you doing? We've got patients to save!
FEDERAL ARMY SOLDIER 2:Uhhh, yes ma'am! (stands up, firing at them, but then is shot in the arm and falls down next to Dr. Grey) Ahh, my arm!
DR. GREY:(sarcastic) Oh, so now human limbs are a bad thing!
Suddenly, the firing stops. Dr. Grey stands up to see what happened. Palomo, Smith, Jensen and Bitters are standing there, with the two dead pirates at their feet.
PALOMO:I think that these guys... are gonna need a hospital.
BITTERS:Just... no.
SMITH:(to his team and Dr. Grey) Come on, we need to get everyone out of here.
DR. GREY:What are you talking about?
JENSEN:Didn't you hear? We're evacuating!
DR. GREY:Excuse me?
SMITH:General's orders. We're abandoning Armonia. Warthogs, pelicans, whatever can get us out of the Capital.
DR. GREY:But... why?
BITTERS:Well, the mercs just dropped all of their men right into the city.
JENSEN:A city that just so happens to have a very powerful nuclear reactor.
DR. GREY:...And, if we blow up the reactor...
SMITH:...We blow up everything Charon has to throw at us.
Cut to the city streets. Two Rebels drive past on mongooses. Another follows on foot, running away from three space pirates.
SPACE PIRATE 1:Haha! That's it! Run!
SPACE PIRATE 3:Anyone got eyes on the targets?
SPACE PIRATE 2:Not yet.
SPACE PIRATE 1:Then let's pick up the pace! I want that kill bonus.
The three run off. The camera pans back to reveal Tucker, Doyle, Doc and the Reds watching them
TUCKER:You know, I always wanted to be popular as a kid.
DOYLE:(dreamily) As did I.
DONUT:Is it just like you imagined?
DOYLE:No...
TUCKER:Kinda.
SIMMONS:Alright, we made it to the Armory.
CAROLINA:(over radio) Good.
Cut to Carolina, Wash and Kimball in the underground maintenance tunnels.
ARMONIA • UNDERGROUND MAINTENANCE TUNNELS
CAROLINA:(over radio) There should still be a Pelican docked in the garage. Load up as many supplies as you can then get Tucker and Doyle out of the city. We'll take care of the reactor's manual overload.
WASHINGTON:Be ready to come pick us up once you're done.
DOYLE:(over radio) Are you sure there is no other way? Armonia is our home!
KIMBALL:We'll build a new one. Right now, you need to focus on staying alive. (radio cuts off)
WASHINGTON:We should keep moving.
CAROLINA:How much farther?
EPSILON:(appears next to Carolina) It's gonna be a while. These tunnels wind all over the place.
Carolina walks forward down the tunnel. Sharkface's leg is seen to her side.
CAROLINA:Well, at least they keep us off the streets and out of trouble.
SHARKFACE:I wouldn't be so sure.
Cut to Sharkface facing them. Wash and Kimball rush in and raise their weapons at Sharkface in response.
SHARKFACE:(raises Hardlight Shield) Uh ah. I don't think so.
EPSILON:I really, really hate this guy.
WASHINGTON:We don't have time for this.
CAROLINA:Don't worry... I'm the one he wants. (to Sharkface) If I stay will you let them go?
Wash and Kimball lower their weapons.
SHARKFACE:(lowers shield) Huh. Deal. But once you're dead (turns to Wash) I'm coming after you, Washington!
WASHINGTON:(to Carolina) Please kill him.
KIMBALL:You sure you'll be alright?
CAROLINA:Yeah. ...I'm sure.
Epsilon disappears. Wash and Kimball run off, leaving Carolina and Sharkface alone. The two stare each other down. Cut to the Armory, where the Blood Gulch Crew arm themselves with weapons.
SARGE:Ammo?
SIMMONS:(passes by carrying a Battle Rifle) Check!
SARGE:Machine guns?
CABOOSE:(passes by carrying a machine gun turret) Check!
SARGE:Rocket launchers? (no response) ...Rocket launcheeers?!
DOC:(in O'Malley's voice, carrying a Rocket Launcher) Oh, you better god damn believe it! Mwahahahaha!
TUCKER:(walks up next to Sarge) I'm not sitting next to him on the plane.
SIMMONS:(off screen) Shotgun!
SARGE:Check!
Donut enters in from above a walkway.
DONUT:Uh guys... remember those bad guys from earlier? Well, they're coming back.
DOYLE:(scared) Ohhh dear...
SARGE:Grif, what's the status on our Pelican?
Cut to the garage, where Grif is seen inside the cockpit of the Pelican.
GRIF:I don't know! Every time I turn it on it just makes a loud clunking sound.
SARGE:(over radio) I'm gonna clunk you if you don't figure it out!
GRIF:God damn it. Where's Lopez when you need him? Wait a minute, where is Lopez?
SIMMONS:(over radio) Uhh...last I saw him, he was in the garage.
Pounding is heard coming from the back of the Pelican.
LOPEZ:¡Pendejo! 
CAPTION:Stupid
GRIF:Oh, shit.
LOPEZ:¡Estaba arreglando el motor, vete a la mierda!
CAPTION:I was fixing the engine, you fuck!
Cut to the armory, where Grif quickly walks in.
GRIF:Lopez is stuck in the pelican!
SARGE:What?! Get him out of there!
Donut enters from above walkway.
DONUT:(panicked) They're coming inside!
SIMMONS:Quick, everybody hide!
Three space pirates walk through armory entrance.
SPACE PIRATE 1:Listen, all I'm saying is if we grab a warthog we can cover more...
Cut to reveal Caboose standing out in the open looking the other direction, Donut crouched behind a pair of crates on the above walkway with his head sticking out, Sarge standing behind a stack of crates with the left half of his body clearly visible, Doyle and Tucker peeking from behind a corner, Simmons crouched behind a crate with his knee sticking out, and a snowman near the back. Realizing they've been spotted, Simmons stands up.
SIMMONS:Damn it! We suck at hiding.
SPACE PIRATE 1:Targets in the armory!
A rocket hits the ground and kills all three pirates.
DOC:(in O'Malley's voice) Remove the mechanical man this instant!
FRECKLES:Hostile forces approaching.
SIMMONS:Oh, god! They know!
TUCKER:Wash, please tell me you guys are done at the reactor.
DOYLE:We need backup.
WASHINGTON:(over radio) Haven't made it yet. We ran into Sharkface.
DOYLE:What?!
WASHINGTON:(over radio) Carolina's handling him. What's wrong?
TUCKER:Forget it. We'll figure something out.
Tucker turns off radio.
DOYLE:Figure something out? Just what exactly do you suggest we do?
Sarge walks up with machine gun turret.
SARGE:We hold this place down until we can get the hell out of here.
Cut to outside the city away from the fighting.
ARMONIA, CAPITAL CITY OF CHORUS, DOWNTOWN
Carolina and Sharkface burst out of the ground and into the air before crashing back down again. They both slowly pick themselves back up.
EPSILON:(voice only) Keep it together. You got this, C.
SHARKFACE:You can beat me down as many times as you want, but you're just putting off the inevitable. So c'mon. What are you waiting for? Still trying to figure out how to beat me? Are you just too scared?
CAROLINA:(off screen) I'm sorry.
SHARKFACE:(surprised) What?
CAROLINA:I'm sorry for what we did to you... to your friends. You were on one side of the fight, and we were on the other. We thought we were the good guys. I'm sorry.
SHARKFACE:I... don't care if you're sorry. Sorry doesn't change what you did. Sorry doesn't bring them back!
CAROLINA:I know, but I'm offering you a choice. I don't want to fight you. Turn back now and you can walk away from this...alive.
SHARKFACE:(prepares to fight) Something's gotten into you. (extends his flamethrowers.) And I'm going to rip it out!
Sharkface lunges at Carolina.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 16: Armonia, Part 2

Open in on the space pirates firing at the armory.
SPACE PIRATE 1:What's going on?
SPACE PIRATE 2:The targets are inside, but they must have some of the best soldiers with them. Our men can't get near the armory, even with cloaking.
SPACE PIRATE 1:How's that possible?
Cut to armory interior. Freckles is mowing down the space pirates, repeating "target eliminated" while Caboose yells excitedly.
CABOOSE:(Shouting) Good Boy Frecklllles!
Cut to the rest of the Reds and Blues firing at the armory entrance.
SARGE:As much as I love shooting fish in a barrel, I think we may have overstayed our welcome.
TUCKER:Yo, Simmons. What's the deal with Lopez?
Cut to the garage.
ARMORY GARAGE
SIMMONS:(removing Lopez's head from under the Pelican) Got the last piece out now.
DOC:(over radio) Thank goodness. Is he ok?
GRIF:(while a headless Lopez is choking him) He's just fine. Argh!
Cut to the armory.
SARGE:(backing up to the garage entrance while still firing) Sounds like it's time to vamanos. C'mon, let's book it.
Caboose, Doc, and Donut all run into the garage.
DONUT:Just so you know, I get very motion sick.
Once all three are inside, Sarge backs up inside as well. Tucker runs towards the garage but is stopped by Doyle.
DOYLE:Wait. Wait! If the pirates know we're on board the Pelican, what's to keep them in the city for the explosion?!
TUCKER:What?
DOYLE:I mean they'll just come after us. We'll lose our home, we'll lose everything for nothing!
TUCKER:Well there's not really any other options.
Tucker goes to board the Pelican while Doyle stares at a Mongoose behind him. Cut to outside the armory.
SPACE PIRATE 1:I think they're falling back! Get ready to-
SPACE PIRATE 2:We've got movement.
Doyle races out of the armory and down the street on the Mongoose.
DOYLE:You'll never take me alive, you bastards!
SPACE PIRATE 3:(confused) Where's he going?
The space pirates hear the Pelican's engines and turn to look at the armory just as the ship rises out of the garage and speeds off.
SPACE PIRATE 1:Locus, Felix, come in. The Reds and Blues have escaped but they left Doyle behind.
Cut to the Tartarus Bridge.
UNSC TARTARUS
SPACE PIRATE 1:(over radio) He's driving into the city.
LOCUS:Something's not right.
FELIX:Yeah, the fact that they're calling us instead of fucking chasing him!
Cut back to outside the armory.
FELIX:(over radio) First person to put a bullet through the General gets twice the original bonus!
SPACE PIRATE 1:Hell, yeah!
The space pirates go to chase after Doyle. Cut to Washington and Kimball inside the maintenance tunnels.
ARMONIA · UNDERGROUND MAINTENANCE TUNNELS
KIMBALL:What do you mean, he's gone?!
TUCKER:(over radio) He just took off on a Mongoose. He said if we all went on the ship the plan wouldn't work.
WASHINGTON:We'll find him. Just make sure the Reds get you to safety. We'll radio them when we're ready.
TUCKER:(over radio) Yeah, yeah.
KIMBALL:What the hell does he think he's doing?!
WASHINGTON:Calm down. I'll get him on a secure line and handle this. (radios Doyle) Doyle, what the hell do you think you're doing?! We need you on that ship!
DOYLE:(over radio) Believe me, I would love to be on board. But, right now, I'm the only thing keeping Charon from leaving the city. How soon can you be at the reactor? I can't lead them on forever.
WASHINGTON:We're not sure. Without Epsilon, we're running blind down here. We may have to surface and risk moving on the streets.
Cut to Armonia streets. Doyle slows his Mongoose to a halt.
DOYLE:Then don't bother.
WASHINGTON:(over radio) What do you mean?
DOYLE:Armonia's nearly abandoned and I know every back alley and short cut. At this rate, I'll reach the reactor before you. (speeds off into a nearby tunnel)
KIMBALL:(over radio) Don't even think about it.
Cut back to the maintenance tunnels.
DOYLE:(over radio) Stop arguing and listen to me! I can wait to trigger the meltdown but once it begins we only have about fifteen minutes. Where is the extraction point?
WASHINGTON:The intersection at 51st and Tenor is wide enough for a Pelican but it's a few miles away from the reactor. We were planning on grabbing a Warthog from the training facility to make it in time.
DOYLE:(over radio) Very well then. Go help Carolina. I'll meet you all at the Pelican once this is done. (screeching tires and Doyle's frightened squeal is heard) Providing I don't crash and die on this horrible thing!
Cut to Carolina and Sharkface fighting in the streets. Washington radios in while they continue fighting. Sharkface swings a right punch that Carolina ducks under. He goes for a spinning hammerfist but Carolina catches his arm and lands a punch and knee against his face.
WASHINGTON:(over radio) Carolina, it's Wash. When can you get to the LZ?
CAROLINA:(grabbing Sharkface's arm and swinging him around her before tossing him aside) Kinda hard to say.
WASHINGTON:(over radio) Well, we're going to need you pretty damn soon. Doyle's riding to the reactor.
CAROLINA:Doyle?
WASHINGTON:(over radio) Long story. Kimball and I are heading back to help you.
A metallic screeching catches Carolina's attention. She looks up and spots a monorail track above her.
CAROLINA:Wait. How about I come to you?
WASHINGTON:(over radio) What?
CAROLINA:Make sure the extraction point is clear and get ready for one hell of an entrance.
EPSILON:(appears next to Carolina) You know that intersection isn't really close. I can't handle your speed boost for that long.
CAROLINA:Can you handle one jump?
EPSILON:A jump?
Carolina looks up as the monorail train passes over her.
EPSILON:Thank god for public transportation.
Carolina leaps into the air just as Sharkface lunges at her. Realizing she is gone he looks up. Carolina leans out the door of a train car and gives Sharkface a salute. He growls angrily, pulls out his grappling hook, and fires it at the train, pulling him on board. He crashes through a window and prepares to continue fighting.
SHARKFACE:(puts away grappling hook) You're not running away this time.
Sharkface extends a flamethrower, aims, and fires. He reels back in shock when the flames suddenly fly back at his face. He looks at the shattered window, realizing that the wind will blow his flames back at him.
CAROLINA:Sure you want to try that again?
Carolina smashes the window next her, causing all the windows down the car to shatter, creating even more wind inside the car. Realizing his flamethrower is useless, Sharkface retracts it and prepares to fight. Cut to Armonia's nuclear reactor
ARMONIA · NUCLEAR REACTOR
DOYLE:(walking up to the controls) Oh, this is going to violate so many safety regulations.
WASHINGTON:(over radio) Are you at the reactor?
DOYLE:Yes. Gave those pirates the slip and arrived safe and sound. (walks up to a computer) I'll start the process. Where are you?
Cut to the LZ with Kimball and Washington just as he finishes off a space pirate.
WASHINGTON:Just cleared the LZ. All we're waiting on now is Carolina. How long do you need?
Cut back to the reactor.
DOYLE:(begins typing on the keyboard) Not long. Just need to overheat a few things here and expose a few things there...
SPACE PIRATE 1:(off screen) C'mon, this way.
DOYLE:Oh...no.
KIMBALL:(over radio) What is it?
Doyle peeks outside and spots several space pirates searching for him.
SPACE PIRATE 1:We found his Mongoose. He can't be far.
DOYLE:I...uh...might not have given them the slip after all.
WASHINGTON:(over radio) Do you need backup?
DOYLE:No. (walks back to the computer) Just a little more time.
Cut to the monorail train where Sharkface and Carolina continue to fight. Carolina leans back and dodges Sharkface's punch before landing a punch against his face. He swings with at her his left arm but Carolina ducks under it and lands a straight punch and an uppercut. She spins around, quickly landing two punches and a hammerfist. She jumps up and hits him with a tornado kick, sending him stumbling backwards. He stops himself by grabbing the car's poles. He growls angrily and charges forward. Carolina dodges his crescent kick and blocks his round kick. He punches at her with his left hand but misses and lodges it in one of the train car's poles. He tries swinging at her with his right hand but she dodges it and begins quickly punching him. She kicks the back of his legs, launching him up into the air, before hitting him with a downward hammerfist, freeing his hand and sending him crashing to the ground.
Sharkface gets up and they both prepare to continue fighting. Carolina dodges two more punches before Sharkface tries to hit her with a back kick. She circles behind him and and leaps off one of the chairs, hitting him in the face with a round kick.
SHARKFACE:(swings a right haymaker that Carolina dodges) Stop it... (swings a left haymaker that Carolina dodges) bitch!
Carolina dodges another two haymakers. Sharkface goes to hit her with a reverse elbow but she blocks the strike. He grabs her arm and swings her into the wall. Carolina blocks his superman punch but he still hits her with an uppercut. He misses his next punch and Carolina jumps up, grabs the rails along the top of the car and kicks Sharkface. He rolls backwards and pulls out his grappling hook, firing it at Carolina. She dodges it, the hook latching onto the door at the front of the car, and she yanks the cable, sending Sharkface flying towards her. She grabs the seats and kicks Sharkface back again.
EPSILON:(voice only) This is our stop.
Carolina picks up the grappling gun off the floor. Sharkface gets up and prepares to fight but is surprised to see Carolina yank forward on the grappling hook, sending the door it was still attached to flying at him. The doors smashes into him, sending him flying out the back of the car. Sharkface hits the street below, with the wreckage of the door landing beside him. Carolina soon rolls and lands safely onto the street, panting. Carolina sits back as Kimball and Washington run up beside her and take aim at Sharkface.
WASHINGTON:You weren't kidding about the entrance.
CAROLINA:(to Sharkface) Face it; it's over. You lose.
SHARKFACE:(struggling to stand up) Over? Nah. (he shakes his head) No. You can break me, burn me, bury me alive... (falls back to the ground and rips off his helmet) As long as I'm still breathing it will never be over. I will hunt you. I will burn you! (gets to his knees) As long as I'M ALIVE, you're all as good as DEAD!
Kimball and Washington exchange glances and shrug before proceeding to gun down Sharkface.
EPSILON:(appears next to Carolina) You know, I don't think he'll be getting up from that one.
CAROLINA:Me either.
WASHINGTON:(offering Carolina a hand) You ok?
CAROLINA:(as Washington pulls her up) Thanks to you. Now, let's get out of here.
WASHINGTON:Grif, bring the Pelican around.
DONUT:(over radio) Actually, Lopez is flying now. Grif hit too many trees trying to drop off the Blues.
GRIF:(over radio) Allegedly!
KIMBALL:Doyle, we have Carolina and are at the extraction point. Are you ready?
Cut to Doyle at the reactor.
DOYLE:Almost. Just give me a few more minutes and I-
SPACE PIRATE 1:(walking into the room) Found him!
The space pirate shoots at Doyle but he ducks and kills the space pirate one with shot from his magnum.
SPACE PIRATE 2:(off screen) The hell was that?
DOYLE:Oh no. (turns around and stares at the damaged computer) No, no, no...
KIMBALL:(over radio) Doyle, what is it?
Doyle stares at a sticky detonator on the floor.
KIMBALL:(over radio) Doyle, are you ready?
DOYLE:I'm afraid...
Cut back to Washington, Carolina, and Kimball at the LZ.
DOYLE:(over radio) I'm afraid I won't be joining you.
EPSILON:What?
DOYLE:(over radio) The controls are destroyed.
Cut back to Doyle at the reactor.
DOYLE:(picking up the sticky detonator) There's no way to overload the reactor with enough time to leave. But, I can still trigger an explosion if I damage the core myself.
SPACE PIRATE 2:(off screen) It came from over here!
KIMBALL:(over radio) Don't be an idiot. We need you alive. Just stay low and we can come to you.
Doyle runs outside and hides behind a wall as a squad of space pirates rushes into the room.
DOYLE:Kimball, I'm surrounded. And, someone needs to be here to pull the trigger.
Cut back to Washington, Carolina, Epsilon and Kimball at the LZ.
EPSILON:(sighs) Son of a bitch...
Epsilon disappears just as the Pelican lands behind them and the rear hatch opens.
DOYLE:(over radio) It's just as you said. Sometimes you have to risk lives-
KIMBALL:Then let me do it! If Felix isn't in the city you'll be putting the sword right in his hand!
DOYLE:(over radio) There's no time!
SIMMONS:(from inside Pelican) C'mon, let's go!
CAROLINA:(putting a hand on Kimball's shoulder) Kimball...
DOYLE:(over radio) Oh, for god's sake, Vanessa. I know it's not perfect but I'm rubbish as a leader and even worse as a soldier. This is all I can do.
WASHINGTON:(tapping Carolina's shoulder) We have to go.
The three of them prepare to board the Pelican with Carolina half dragging Kimball on board. Cut to Doyle at the reactor's core.
DOYLE:We'll finally have a chance, a real chance. And if Felix is out there, I know you can stop him.
SPACE PIRATE 2:(off screen) There he is!
DOYLE:They've spotted me. The timer on this detonator barely lasts a minute. You need to go. (fires grenade onto the core)
KIMBALL:(over radio) God damn it, Doyle! Stop!
DOYLE:Chorus still needs you Miss Kimball. So...when you die, you had better be damn sure that those you leave behind can carry on without you. ...I know I am. This is General Donald Doyle... signing off.
KIMBALL:(over radio) Wait! Don't-! (radio cuts off)
Cut to the extraction point. Carolina pulls Kimball aboard the Pelican. The rear hatch closes and the ship takes off. Cut to Doyle staring at the reactor core as several space pirates walk up behind him with their guns raised.
SPACE PIRATE 2:Any last words...General?
DOYLE:I'd like to quote the great William Shakespeare but, to tell you the truth, I don't actually think he said it.
SPACE PIRATE 3:(spotting the grenade on the reactor) What the hell is that?!
All the pirates turn and spot the grenade. Cut to the bridge of the Tartarus.
SPACE PIRATE 3:(over the radio) There's a bomb on the reactor!
FELIX:What?!
LOCUS:(to the pilot) Get us out of here!
Cut to the reactor core just before the grenade goes off. A few beeps later, it detonates. Cut to the Pelican flying away.
SIMMONS:We're not going to make it!
WASHINGTON:Brace for impact!
GRIF:Hey, where's Carolina?
Clanking can be heard atop the Pelican. Cut to outside the Pelican. Carolina fights to walk across the top of the ship, her grav-boots keeping her attached.
CAROLINA:Church! (forms bubble shield)
EPSILON:(voice only) Here we go!
The bubble shield expands around the ship as the music cuts out and the screen cuts to white.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 17: All or Nothing

Open in at the end of the previous episode, with Carolina on the roof of the Pelican.
CAROLINA:Church! (forms bubble shield)
EPSILON:(voice only) Here we go!
Carolina forms a large bubble shield around the Pelican. Cut to black. Fade in to Epsilon-Theta's point of view, with Carolina looking down on him.
EPSILON-THETA:(voice only) Are we okay?
Fade out. Fade back in to Epsilon-Delta's point of view. Carolina, Tucker, and Sarge look down on him.
EPSILON-DELTA:(voice only) Running diagnostics. Significant trauma detected.
Fade out. Fade back in to Epsilon-Omega's point of view, with the entire Blood Gulch Crew looking down in him.
EPSILON-OMEGA:(voice only) Charon's going to regret that.
Fade out. Fade back in to Epsilon's point of view, who finally awakens to see the others surrounding him.
CAROLINA:Church?
EPSILON:Ugh... North was a crazy son of a bitch.
CABOOSE:HE'S ALIVE!
TUCKER:You okay, dude?
EPSILON:Yeah...yeah, I'm good. Uh...uh where are we?
JUNGLE CANYON • CRASH SITE BRAVO
Cut to Carolina walking outside with Epsilon. They are back at Crash Site Bravo. Feds and Rebels are seen with their heads down. Cut to Jensen, Palomo, Smith, Bitters and Matthews who are all have their heads down as well.
CAROLINA:There's more taking shelter inside the ship, but most of us are just scattered around the planet. I'm worried about Kimball. No matter what we say, the Feds seem to think she just let Doyle die. She's hardly said a word since we landed.
EPSILON:What happened?
Wash appears behind them.
WASHINGTON:The mercenaries escaped. In a few hours this will all be over, one way or another.
Cut to the Jungle Temple. Felix is seen activating the sword.
JUNGLE TEMPLE
FELIX:(laughing) Oh, I will never get tired of that.
LOCUS:We lost too many people.
FELIX:Fewer people, bigger cuts. Besides, we have all we need right here. (to someone else) Isn't that right?
SANTA:If you now possess the key, then you have proven your worth.
FELIX:That's what I like to hear. So, when we activate this Purge-
SANTA:The Purge should only be activated as a last resort, if the inhabitants of the planet are not worthy.
FELIX:Buddy, trust me, I've meet the guys, sooo not worthy. I just wanna double check and be sure that we won't be wiped along with them.
SANTA:(sighs) Those residing within the temple will be spared.
FELIX:Perfect! Now how exactly do we activate-
LOCUS:What about our remaining forces? They'll be killed guarding the communication temple.
FELIX:Look, they were good men. ...Well, actually, they were disgusting, murdering bastards! But the point is what they don't know won't hurt 'em... until they're dead.
LOCUS:Some of them are former partners.
FELIX:But orders are orders.
Locus lowers his head.
FELIX:(sighs) Locus, when have we ever looked out for anyone other than ourselves?
LOCUS:They trust us.
FELIX:And what, that gives them some sort of immunity? Survival isn't a right, it's a privilege. It's earned. That's the one thing we've always agreed on. If they deserve to live then they'd be strong enough to stop us and smart enough never to trust anyone. Hmm, we'll need to come up with something to tell Price on the Tartarus, you know, once it's done. Maybe the money will be enough.
FEMALE SPACE PIRATE:Sirs, Control just sent us a new transmission. They don't sound too happy about losing Armonia's artifacts.
FELIX:(scoffs) Great. You wanna take that?
LOCUS:I thought you were the people person.
FELIX:(scowls) Man, you suck. Just ask this thing how to activate the temple, then let's go. (walks off then stops) You know, I wonder how much Hargrove would pay... for an alien A.I.? (leaves)
SANTA:My creators believed the key and their gifts could only be wielded by a true warrior. I was skeptical of the first human... and then even more so of this one. I shall prepare all necessary data for the activation of the Purge.
LOCUS:You guard these relics. You spoke to me in the gateway. Created the things I saw.
SANTA:Correct.
LOCUS:Then can you tell me... what did Felix see? What is it he's afraid of?
SANTA:...Is it not so obvious? (disappears)
Santa disappears. Locus ponders. Cut back to Crash Site Bravo where the Blood Gulch Crew are seen formed in a huddle.
EPSILON:Alright, then we have a plan.
TUCKER:You sure this'll work?
EPSILON:Felix will have to activate the purge personally, which means Locus will be with him.
WASHINGTON:And since they know our target's the comm temple, it's safe to assume that's where they'll send their men.
CAROLINA:Wash and I take defense, while the rest of you go on offense.
EPSILON:Just pretend it's a good ol' game of capture the flag.
GRIF:You know we're terrible at capture the flag, right?
SIMMONS:So, assuming that this all plays out the way we hope it will, we still need to take over a heavily fortified alien tower. Anybody else seeing a problem here?
SARGE:We emptied the armory as best we could, but we ain't exactly armed to the teeth.
DOC:It's also worth mentioning that half of our army still hates the other half of our army.
KIMBALL:(off screen) Then let me talk to them.
Kimball walks towards the group. Carolina and Epsilon look at each other, then back at Kimball.
CAROLINA:Are you sure that's a good idea?
KIMBALL:I am.
Cut to the center of the canyon. Kimball walks onto a balcony and tries to get the attention of the Feds and Rebels below.
KIMBALL:Excuse me...
All the Feds and Rebels look at her. Cut to inside the shipwreck at Crash Site Bravo where a Rebel and a Fed listen to Kimball through a monitor.
CRASH SITE BRAVO • SHIPWRECK
KIMBALL:(over speaker) ...If I could have your attention, please.
A Rebel approaches the two soldiers.
REBEL:Hey, turn it up.
Cut back to outside.
REBEL 2:It's Kimball.
FED:The fuck does she want?
KIMBALL:I know many of you probably don't care for what I have to say, but it's something that needs to be said.
WASHINGTON:(to Tucker) Think she can do this?
TUCKER:Hell yeah, Kimball's a great speaker.
KIMBALL:(to Feds and Rebels) I never believed this truce would last.
The Feds and Rebels all reply in surprise.
TUCKER:Ohohoho god, we're screwed!
KIMBALL:I thought that if we managed to survive Charon it would only be a matter of time before we were back at each other's throats. I believe this because in my eyes the Federal Army of Chorus was still the enemy.
Cut to several Feds and Rebels listening to Kimball's speech at Charon Research Complex 2C.
CHARON RESEARCH COMPLEX 2C
KIMBALL:(over speaker) When you spend everyday fighting a war, you learn to demonize your attackers.
Cut back to the Jungle Canyon.
KIMBALL:To you they're evil, they're sub-human. Because if they weren't, then what would that make you? ...What I'm trying to say... is I've been afraid to see you for what you really are. You're our brothers. Our sisters. And the things we've done to one another are unforgivable. But General Doyle was able to see past that. In the end, he understood that now isn't the time for pride or anger, now is the time for unity.
Cut to some Rebels and Feds listening to Kimball's speech at the New Republic headquarters.
NEW REPUBLIC HEADQUARTERS
KIMBALL:(over speaker) Everyday I ask myself, "what do you fight for", and every day I answer, "for a better tomorrow".
Cut back to the Jungle Canyon
KIMBALL:Well, if we can’t set aside our past and start trusting one another, there won’t be a tomorrow. So please, fight with me. Fight to see Malcom Hargrove locked away for the rest of his life! Fight to wipe that stupid grin off of Felix’s face! Fight because you deserve TO FUCKING WIN!!!
GUNNER FED:...Well shit, I'll fight for that
All the Feds and Rebels cheer and shoot their guns into the air.
BITTERS:Wooo! We gon' bring the paaain!
JENSEN:I've never been so excited!
PALOMO:I've always loved you Katie!
JENSEN:What?!
PALOMO:Mis-read that. Alright, let's kill the bad guys!
Cut to the Reds and Blues.
SARGE:Not too shabby.
WASHINGTON:Still, it's not gonna be easy.
Kimball approaches them.
KIMBALL:No it isn't. But you're forgetting that we still have something that Charon doesn't.
SIMMONS:...We do?
Cut to the Charon Excavation Site.
CHARON EXCAVATION SITE
Tucker walks up towards the far end of the temple then activates his sword, while the others watch. Santa appears before him.
SANTA:I wondered when you would return.
Cut to the outside of the Temple of Arms as it starts to glow brightly, filling up the screen.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 18: Great Destroyers

Open in on a large temple with hovering platforms seen around it. Felix and Locus approach the temple.
THE PURGE
Cut to Felix and Locus walking towards a blue hardlight pathway. They stop upon reaching it.
FELIX:(in mid-disbelief) No way...
Pan over to the other side of the pathway, where Carolina and Washington are seen guarding the entrance of the temple.
CAROLINA:Hello boys.
LOCUS:So, you've chosen to make a final stand.
Epsilon materializes
EPSILON:These two just couldn't resist a rematch.
LOCUS:Admirable, but hopeless.
WASHINGTON:Think about what you're doing. If you activate this temple, it kills everyone. Our soldiers and yours.
FELIX:That's war, Wash. Not everyone makes it back.
WASHINGTON:They can if you turn away. You can choose to end this now!
Locus looks away momentarily.
FELIX:No, we can't. We have our orders. (to Locus) Right, partner?
LOCUS:If the three of you are here, I can only assume the rest are attempting to activate the Communication Temple.
CAROLINA:That's right.
LOCUS:You'd really put that much faith in them?
EPSILON:We're not too worried.
Cut to the Communication Temple. Several Space pirates are seen guarding the temple. Cut to Space Pirate 1.
COMMUNICATION TEMPLE
SPACE PIRATE 1:Contact.
SPACE PIRATE 2:How many?
Kimball is seen through the scope of Space Pirate 1's sniper rifle.
SPACE PIRATE 1:Just... one.
SPACE PIRATE 2:What's she holding?
SPACE PIRATE 1:I don't know. It kinda looks like-
Space Pirate 1 is hit by the blast from Kimball's alien rifle.
SPACE PIRATE 2:(in shock) What the hell?!
Cut to Kimball. Numerous Feds and Rebels rush onto the battlefield together holding alien weapons. They line up next to Kimball. Cut back to the pirates.
SPACE PIRATE 3:Enemies to the west. Open fire!
The pirates open fire at the Feds and Rebels. Several Feds rush ahead and activate Hardlight Shields, blocking the incoming fire.
KIMBALL:Attack!
The Chorus soldiers cheer and rush ahead into the battle.
SPACE PIRATE 3:(ducking down) Heavy artillery, move in.
Cut to a warthog with a mounted rocket turret speeding down the road. They stop in front of the Feds and Rebels and prepare to fire but suddenly explode.
SPACE PIRATE 3:What was that?!
SPACE PIRATE 4:(off camera) Look! East side! East side!
Space Pirate 3 runs to the east side of the tower.
TUCKER:(off camera) Hey, assholes!
SPACE PIRATE 3:Oh, god.
Camera cuts to the Reds and Blues standing in front of an alien tank with Caboose driving it.
TUCKER:You want a fight? You got one!
CABOOSE:And I have a tank!
SARGE:Caboose... let 'er rip.
SPACE PIRATE 3:Brace for impact!
The tank fires at the two space pirates, engulfing them both in a blinding explosion that covers the camera. Cut to Locus and Felix at the Purge.
SPACE PIRATE 5:(over radio) Comm temple is under attack! They're hitting us hard!
FELIX:What are you talking about?
Cut to the Tartarus in orbit.
SPACE PIRATE 5:(over radio) They've got tanks! Lasers! All sorts of alien stuff!
SPACE PIRATE 6:What?!
COUNSELOR:How is that possible?
SPACE PIRATE 6:I don't know.
COUNSELOR:You said they wouldn't be a threat!
SPACE PIRATE 6:(shoves the Counselor back) Back off! We've got this handled.
Space Pirate 6 turns back around while the Counselor glares at him.
SPACE PIRATE 6:Felix, Locus...
Cut to Felix and Locus at the Purge.
SPACE PIRATE 6:(over the radio) Whatever secret weapon you two are activating, you better do it fast.
CAROLINA:(Epsilon disappears) Sounds like you're the ones that should be worried.
FELIX:(scoffs) As if...
The two of them raise their weapons and begin firing at Washington and Carolina, who immediately take cover. They wait a moment before returning fire, forcing Locus and Felix behind cover as well. Locus takes aim and fires two shots, one of which hits Carolina's battle rifle and send it flying out of her hands and her stumbling to the ground. Washington ducks behind his cover again.
CAROLINA:Damn it! He's a hell of a shot.
WASHINGTON:Yeah... (takes out grenade) He is.
Washington throws the grenade at Felix and Locus but the latter shoots it out of the air with his sniper rifle. Taking advantage of the distraction, Washington fires at Locus, several of hits bullets hitting the sniper rifle and forcing Locus back behind cover.
LOCUS:(tossing aside the damaged rifle) We need to restrategize.
FELIX:(noticing a pair of floating platforms heading over the pathway) Well, we can't go through them...
Washington and Carolina step out of cover and prepare to fire but stop.
WASHINGTON:What?!
Felix is running down the pathway with his hardlight shield in front of him while Locus charges from behind. Felix ducks down, letting Locus leap off of his back and into the air. Just as Locus lands on the floating platform, he tosses two grenades in the direction of Washington and Carolina.
WASHINGTON:(rolling out of the way with Carolina) Look out!
Locus lands on the platform as the grenades detonate. Carolina and Washington get back up.
CAROLINA:He's heading for the back entrance!
WASHINGTON:Go! I'll hold the front.
Carolina takes out her grappling hook and fires it at another platform, pulling herself up.
Atop his platform, Locus stands up and takes out his shotgun. He turns around in time to see Carolina swing down and kick him to the ground. Locus glances over the edge of the platform and growls angrily. While still laying on his back, he fires a blast from his shotgun at Carolina, who dodges to side. Locus jumps back to his feet as Carolina takes out her magnum and fires.
The platform continues floating as Locus and Carolina keep fighting. Locus shoves the barrel of the magnum away from him while Carolina continues pulling the trigger in a desperate attempt to shoot him. Finally, Locus flips his shotgun around, spinning and hitting Carolina with it. She aims and fires her magnum but Locus steps back and blocks her arm, letting the bullet fly by and miss. He shoves her arm away and aims his shotgun at her chest. She shoves the barrel aside as it fires. Carolina tries to aim her magnum again but Locus moves his head to the right, the bullet missing. He grabs her right arm and twists it to the side, sending the magnum flying out of her hand. Carolina seizes the shotgun and kicks Locus back, taking the weapon from him.
She aims the shotgun at Locus but suddenly notices another platform floating towards them. She leans back as the platform floats overhead, breaking off half of the shotgun. Once the second platform floats by, Locus side kicks Carolina backwards and over the edge.
CAROLINA:(falling off the platform) No!
Locus slowly stands back up and cautiously approaches the edge of the platform, not realizing that Carolina was standing on the bottom of it, attached by her grav-boots. He looks over the edge and Carolina leaps back up and hits him with the broken shotgun. Back on the pathway, Washington fires another few bursts at Felix but the bullets bounce off of his hardlight shield.
WASHINGTON:(tossing his battle rifle down) Damn it!
He takes out his magnum and gets ready. Finally, he leaps over his cover and into the air, firing at Felix. Felix holds his shield above him, letting Washington land on top and continue firing into it until he runs out of ammo. Felix shoves Washington off and turns off his shield but Washington manages to kick Felix's DMR out of his hands.
Felix takes a swing but Washington catches it and begins punching Felix. Washington let's go of Felix's arm and hits him with a backfist and a hook. Felix steps back and does a spin hook kick that Washington ducks under. Washington also does a spin hook kick and Felix also ducks under that. Felix moves in, grabbing Washington's head and kneeing him twice in the face. Washington kicks Felix back.
Felix regains his balance and takes out four throwing knives. He twirls around, launching them at Washington in rapid succession. Washington ducks and stumbles around the knives, even catching one in front of his face.
FELIX:(stunned) Huh?
WASHINGTON:(tosses up and catches the knife) You think you're the only one who's good with knives?
Felix glares at Washington for a moment before activating his energy sword.
WASHINGTON:(awkwardly) Oh...right... (puts away the knife)
Cut to the bridge of the Tartarus.
SPACE PIRATE 6:(punches the desk in anger) Damn it! We're losing men too fast.
COUNSELOR:If they manage to transmit an SOS, we're finished.
SPACE PIRATE 6:(turning around to face the Counselor) You think I don't know that?
COUNSELOR:I THINK we need to start considering alternate solutions.
SPACE PIRATE 6:Like what?
COUNSELOR:There's nothing to stop us from taking the Tartarus and leaving.
SPACE PIRATE 6:Abandon the mission... (scoffs) You know, Felix told me you might try to start trouble. Fortunately, he also told me what to do if you... (reaches down to pull out his sidearm but realizes it is gone) Hey! Where's my-
A bullet hits Space Pirate 6 in the head. Smoke comes out of the barrel of the magnum the Counselor had used to shoot Space Pirate 6.
TARTARUS PILOT:W-what're you doing?!
COUNSELOR:(aims at the pilot) Surviving! To hell with this mission and to hell with Chorus! Get us out of here!
Cut to Felix and Washington fighting on the pathway. Felix viciously slashes as Washington as he ducks under and dodges around the blade. When he misses again, Felix jumps up and hits Washington with a tornado kick, launching him back.
They both notice Locus and Carolina still fighting on the floating platform.
WASHINGTON:Carolina!
Carolina hits Locus in the head with a round kick that sends him to the ground.
CAROLINA:Huh?
She turns around and spots Felix making a mad dash for the temple. She fires her grappling hook and catches his left foot, tripping him over.
FELIX:(dragged away) Oh, come on!
Washington slowly stands up. Just as Felix is about to be pulled off the edge of the walkway, he grabs Washington's leg.
WASHINGTON:Hey!
He falls over and they are both dragged off the pathway, suspended by Carolina's grappling hook. She fights to hold on with both their weight on the other end.
WASHINGTON:OOOOHHH MY GOD!
FELIX:You drop me, you drop us both!
WASHINGTON:Do not drop him!
Carolina gives her grappling hook one last yank, pulling Washington and Felix to the underside of the platform, and retracts it. Locus gets up on the topside of the platform while Washington and Felix do the same on the underside, attached by their grav-boots.
FELIX:Oh, now this is just ridiculous!
WASHINGTON:We've had worse.
Felix extends his energy sword and lunges at Washington.
On the topside, Carolina blocks Locus's front kick but gets hit by his flying knee. On the underside, Washington and Felix grapple over the sword.
Washington twists Felix's arm, thrusting the sword away form him and into the platform. On the topside, Carolina falls to the ground. Suddenly, the end of the sword comes out right beside her.
CAROLINA:Wash!
Locus gets up and prepares to swing.
WASHINGTON:(appearing behind Locus and grabbing his hand) I am working on it!
He hits Locus with three punches before knocking him back with a jumping side kick.
WASHINGTON:Right...ok...what's happening?
CAROLINA:(getting to her feet) The usual.
She walks over to Washington as Felix jumps up beside Locus. That's when they all notice a massive platform floating towards them. They all duck down as it floats overhead.
WASHINGTON:What?
CAROLINA:Huh?
They realize that Locus and Felix were now on the bigger platform with Felix giving them the finger.
WASHINGTON:Really...
CAROLINA:(taking out her grappling hook) Hold on. We'll cut them off. (fires grappling hook onto the temple)
WASHINGTON:(grabbing Carolina) Wait, no, not again!
They are propelled away. Locus and Felix watch as they swing by with Washington screaming in fear. Felix chuckles sadistically and fires his sticky grenade at the point where the hook was attached. The grenade explodes and Washington and Carolina are tossed onto another platform.
Felix growls and extends his sword, rushing towards the incoming platform that Washington and Carolina stood upon. He slides under it, cutting the platform in half.
CAROLINA:Jump!
She and Washington jump off as the platform falls apart. Felix turns around and begins slashing at her. Washington lands and prepares to fight Locus but realizes he is nowhere to be seen.
WASHINGTON:(confused) Huh?
Suddenly, a cloaked Locus begins punching Washington. Washington takes a swing but hits nothing. Locus resumes pummeling him. As Washington is knocked back, he takes out the knife he had from earlier and cuts his hand. He whips around, flinging his blood around him. A splotch of blood lands on Locus.
WASHINGTON:(tossing the knife up and grabbing it by the blade) Hi there.
Washington throws the knife at Locus, embedding it deep in his shoulder. He jumps forward and kicks it even deeper before proceeding to repeatedly punch Locus in the face. Locus headbutts Washington, sending him to the ground. The mercenary pulls out the knife and brings it down on Washington, who catches Locus's arm, stopping the knife right in front of his throat. Locus pushes on the knife, trying to get it into Washington's throat.
LOCUS:Just... (uses his other hand to push harder) die...
Washington; Killing me won't make you feel better. You'll have just proved my point.
LOCUS:Felix!
Carolina dodges Felix's blade but he finally manages to slice her in the back. She falls to the ground while he turns to finish off Washington.
CAROLINA:Wash!
Washington shoves Locus aside. Felix leaps up into the air and plunges the sword down but Washington rolls out of the way, the sword going through the center of the platform and through the anti-gravity device that was keeping it up.
FELIX:Oh...shit...
Everyone gets back to their feet, realizing what was about to happen. The platform shakes as it begins to fall.
CAROLINA:Going down!
Even Locus and Felix have trouble staying on even with their grav-boots.
CAROLINA:Hold on... hold on... NOW!
They all leap off the platform and onto the pathway they were on before.
CAROLINA:Back to square one.
FELIX:(getting to his feet with Locus) Alright, guys. This has been fun but...if you could just keel over and die already, that'd be great!
WASHINGTON:What's wrong buddy... getting tired?
FELIX:I'm not tired. (trying to catch his breath) You're tired! I can do this shit all day!
WASHINGTON:We know. In fact, we kinda planned on it...
FELIX:The fuck is that supposed to mean? Christ, man! Always with the cryptic one-liners...
CAROLINA:(chuckles) We don't have to beat you, we just had to waste your time.
LOCUS:(concerned) What are you talking about?
EPSILON:(materializes) What she's trying to say, is that you two have already lost.
FELIX:Oh, really? And when exactly did that happen?
EPSILON:The moment Donald Doyle blew half your troops to hell.
Cut to the Tartarus bridge. The entire ship jerks.
COUNSELOR:What was that?
TARTARUS PILOT:Uh...my controls aren't responding! What the hell's going on?
EPSILON:(voice only) See, we may have lost our whole base...
Cut to Crash Site Alpha.
EPSILON:(voice only) But you just left yours wide open.
Cut to inside the tractor beam control room. One last space pirate in the room is shot by Palomo.
PALOMO:Nailed it!
GREY:And that's hook...
SMITH:Line...
JENSEN:And sinker!
BITTERS:Hope you freelancers are ready!
PALOMO:Now reel 'em in!
The computer begins beeping with the words 'ADJUSTING TRAJECTORY' flashing on the screen. The temple activates. Cut to the Tartarus bridge. The Counselor watches as an orange glow covers the forward window and all the navigational computers begin sparking.
COUNSELOR:Oh no...
The entire ship begins to shake violently. Cut to the Purge pathway. The Tartarus can be seen heading right for the temple.
FELIX:(shocked) What?!
EPSILON:You crash our ship, we crash yours!
CAROLINA:Run!
LOCUS:Fall back!
The four of them run away from the temple that the Tartarus is about to slam into. They make it to solid ground and brace for the impact.
FELIX:(activating hardlight shield) Get behind me!
Locus jumps behind Felix and covers his head.
CAROLINA:Epsilon!
EPSILON:(voice only) On it! (activates bubble shield around her and Washington)
Cut to the Tartarus bridge. The Counselor stares through the forward window, at the approaching temple.
COUNSELOR:Oh...son of a bitch...
The Tartarus crashes into the temple, exploding on impact while the camera fades out to white. It then fades back in from white, slowly panning over the now destroyed temple landscape. Washington and Carolina both lay sprawled on the ground. Washington begins coughing from the smoke and gets to his knees.
WASHINGTON:(getting to his feet) Ok...let's never do that again.
CAROLINA:(getting to her knees) Epsilon...we did it.
EPSILON:(appears in front of Carolina) Yeah, we always had a knack for breaking things. (Carolina gets to her feet as Epsilon disappears again) C'mon, let's get back to Kimball and the others. I'm sure they miss us already.
CAROLINA:Right.
She and Washington jog away, leaving the devastated landscape behind them. The moment they are gone, the area falls quiet once more. But, not too far from them, Felix's fist punches up out of the rubble.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 19: The End is Near

Fade into the Communications Tower, where the Federal Army and New Republic soldiers are seen battling Charon's forces. Cut to the Red Fed. A Space Pirate walks up behind him.
INSANE SPACE PIRATE:You damn colonists! I'm not going back to jail! (loads shotgun) I'm gonna kill ya! I'm gonna get my money! Then-
MATTHEWS:(off screen) Heads up!
Matthews runs over the Insane Space Pirate in a Ghost.
RED FED:Hey, thanks man!
MATTHEWS:No problem! I mean, I was actually trying to shoot him but I think I almost got the hang of th-WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
The Ghost shoots forward and flies past Grif and Simmons.
SIMMONS:You know, maybe giving alien vehicles to human drivers wasn't the best idea.
Doc drives by in a Ghost.
DOC:(in O'Malley's voice) Speak for yourself! (laughs maniacally and drives off)
Cut to Lopez, Sarge, and Kimball, who fire at some pirates near the temple's entrance.
KIMBALL:Keep pushing!
One of the Space Pirates is shot while the other two turn to look at his body.
SPACE PIRATE:Damn it, fall back!
They retreat, chased by Lopez, Sarge, Grif, Simmons, and Kimball.
SARGE:Hehe, keep running, dirtbags!
SIMMONS:Okay Tucker, we're in. Can you make it to our position?
TUCKER:(over the radio) Hell yeah! I got my own private escort.
SIMMONS:What?! Seriously?
CAROLINA:(off screen) Seriously.
Simmons and the others turn around to see Carolina, Tucker, and Wash walking towards them.
KIMBALL:Carolina! Wash! You made it!
WASH:Sorry we're late. Blowing up a death machine takes longer than you'd think.
CAROLINA:Well we did manage to kill two mercs with one stone.
GRIF:Aw dude, did they go out like bitches, or was it slow and painful?
TUCKER:What kind of messed up question is that?
WASH:Incineration by explosion.
TUCKER:Aw hell yeah! Straight up Freelancer justice!
Epsilon materializes next to Carolina.
EPSILON:Yeah yeah, may they burn in hell. We still need to get Tucker to the tower controls. There's a teleporter down the hall that'll take us to the Control Room. Once we broadcast our message, Charon will have no reason left to fight.
CAROLINA:Then let's push our way to the teleporter-
CABOOSE:(off screen) RUN AWAY!!
Caboose and Donut run up to the group.
SIMMONS:What are you guys doing?
Doc drives up, his Ghost sparking and on fire.
TUCKER:And what killed your ride?
NEW REPUBLIC SOLDIER:(on radio) All squads, get to cover! Get to cover-UGH!. (cuts out)
DOC:(fearful) Uh... probably the same thing that killed them?
Cut to a squad of Federal Army soldiers as they are crushed by the foot of a Mantis.
MANTIS:ENGAGING HOSTILES.
The Reds and Blues watch from a platform nearby.
LOPEZ:Ohhhhh mierda. 
CAPTION:Ohhhhh shit.
SIMMONS:THEY HAVE A MANTIS?!
CABOOSE:Yes, and for all those who are wondering, uh no, he and Freckles are not brothers... I asked him.
GRIF:I was going to ask where your tank went, but you...pretty much answered that.
SARGE:Looks like they ain't going down without a fight.
TUCKER:So now what?
CAROLINA:Take Epsilon. Broadcast his message and end this. Wash and I can deal with the Mantis while Kimball and her men hold this position.
EPSILON:How 'bout it, Tucker? Room for one more?
DONUT:We'll be right on your rear!
Tucker looks around at his friends.
TUCKER:Right. (pulls out his sword) Let's finish this!
Cut to the Blood Gulch Crew after going through the teleporter, groaning from its after effects.
TUCKER:(coughs) Oh god, I forgot teleporting sucks!
DOC:(sighs) You don't know the half of it...
EPSILON:Wimps. Synthetic body for life, yo.
LOPEZ:Verdad. 
CAPTION:Truth.
SARGE:So this the place?
COMM. TEMPLE CONTROL ROOM
GRIF:I'm gonna put my money on yes.
Santa appears.
SANTA:Lavernius Tucker, welcome to the Control Room.
CABOOSE:Santa! If I knew you were here, I would've brought cookies!
SANTA:Do you wish to transmit a message?
SARGE:You're darn right, we do!
EPSILON:I got all the data the UNSC needs to find us and enough files to place Hargrove under arrest. You sure this is gonna reach Earth?
SANTA:It will be heard by every device in the galaxy, if that is what you wish.
TUCKER:Yeah, let's go with that one.
SANTA:Then I shall prepare the charging sequence.
SIMMONS:How long is that gonna take?
SANTA:Hmm, the process is brief, however you may soon find yourselves preoccupied.
DONUT:Preoccupied with...what?
Santa disappears, revealing a heavily damaged Falcon flying towards the Control Room.
GRIF:Uh... who's that?
EPSILON:Oh no...
Cut to the Falcon with Felix at the controls.
SIMMONS:I thought you said they were dead!
EPSLION:We dropped a fucking spaceship on them! It was kind of assumed!
SARGE:Scatter!!
The Blood Gulch Crew scatter while the Falcon crash lands in the Control Room.
Cut to Felix getting out of the defunct Falcon holding a SAW, with an exhausted Locus sitting against the wall.
FELIX:Wake up! (he throws the SAW into Locus' arms.) I told you we'd make it.
LOCUS:(groans) Felix... it's over...
FELIX:(activates his sword) Run your camo, and stick to the shadows. I'll draw them out.
LOCUS:The Tartarus is destroyed, our numbers are falling, the mission-
FELIX:FUCK the mission!! Jesus Christ, for once in your life, would you forget about following god damn orders!! I'm not doing this for Hargrove! I'm doing this for me.
Felix trudges off. Cut to Washington at the battlefield.
TUCKER:(over radio) Wash! Locus and Felix are alive! And they're here!
WASHINGTON:What?!
TUCKER:(over radio) We need help.
The Mantis faces Washington and charges its weapons.
WASHINGTON:(noticing the Mantis) Damn it!
Washington runs off as the Mantis fires on his position. Cut back to the temple control room where the Blues and Doc are seen hiding from Felix.
WASHINGTON:(over radio) Tucker, I hate to say it but you're on your own.
TUCKER:But-
WASHINGTON:(over radio) I believe in you...all of you. You can do this.
DOC:He thinks we're gonna die...
SARGE:(over radio) No. That time.. he meant it.
FELIX:Tucker! Where are you?!
Tucker, Doc, and Caboose silently stare at Felix, who walks past.
CABOOSE:So...are you gonna answer him?
Cut to Locus, who struggles to walk. He finally falls over and rolls himself onto his back in exhaustion.
SANTA:(appearing) Why have you come here, meddler?
LOCUS:To kill the simulation troopers.
SANTA:Will this secure your victory over their forces?
LOCUS:No...
SANTA:Then what purpose will it serve?
LOCUS:I don't know...
SANTA:Then why are you trying?
LOCUS:I don't know...
SANTA:What do you know?
LOCUS:I don't know!
SANTA:Then what do you want to know?
LOCUS:I...I want to know...what Felix is afraid of.
SANTA:You were broken by war. It was his goal to see you never healed...because despite what he may claim, only one of you needs the other to survive.
LOCUS:(groans) What are you saying?
SANTA:Ignorant creature. Your partner is afraid of you.
Cut to Felix at the center of the control room.
FELIX:(angrily) You think you're smart, Tucker?! You think you're all better than me?! Well you're not! You're all a bunch of pathetic, stupid, losers!
TUCKER:(appearing behind Felix with sword extended) Then come get me.
Felix rushes at Tucker with his sword. Tucker blocks the strike but Felix kicks him back. Suddenly, Caboose appears across the room.
FRECKLES:Engaging!
Freckles fires at Felix but the mercenary blocks the bullets with his hardlight shield. The moment Freckles stops, Felix pulls out a sticky-detonator. Before he can fire, a purple bolt streaks by and sends the weapon flying out of his hand.
FELIX:(shocked) What?!
Tucker is back on his feet with Lopez and Donut standing beside him.
DONUT:Double-O Donut always gets his man!
FELIX:(activating hardlight shield) Locus, I need suppo-
Felix yells in pain as needler spikes embed themselves in his right shoulder.
FELIX:AGH, god...
SARGE:Over here, dirt bag!
GRIF:You give orange dudes a bad name!
Felix turns off his shield and pulls out the spikes before running off.
FELIX:You're pissing me off!
Felix is clothes-lined by Doc's rocket launcher.
DOC:(in O'Malley voice) Oh, please. (aims rocket launcher at Felix) I'm the original bad boy. (chuckles maniacally)
Felix gives a whimper before Doc fires the rocket launcher, blowing Felix across the control room to Caboose's feet.
CABOOSE:Hey, Felix!
Felix chuckles wickedly before grabbing Caboose's leg and dragging him down. Felix immediately gets to his feet and catches Freckles. Tucker runs up and Epsilon appears beside him.
EPSILON:Caboose!
FELIX:(activating hardlight shield) Say goodbye to your stupid blue moron!
Felix aims the rifle at Caboose and pulls the trigger...but it makes a party noise and only confetti comes out of it.
FELIX:(deactivates hardlight shield and stares at the gun) What is wrong with you people?!
FRECKLES:Hands off! (shoots a round, the recoil smacking Felix in the head)
Felix falls over and drops the rifle. Caboose then stands up and catches Freckles.
CABOOSE:Bye, Felix. (walks over to Tucker and Epsilon)
EPSILON:Yeah...we might be losers, Felix, but we still kicked your ass.
Doc, Donut, and Lopez approach Felix from one side while Sarge, Simmons, and Grif flank him from the other. Felix gets to his knees, laughing manically while a cloaked Locus comes up from behind Caboose and Tucker.
FELIX:Think again!
Felix continues laughing until a SAW clatters to the ground in front of him. He looks up in confusion.
TUCKER:(looking behind him) Huh?
Locus decloaks between Tucker and Caboose.
GRIF:Oh shit!
DONUT:Look out!
TUCKER:(aims weapon) Freeze!
Locus simply glances at Tucker before looking back at Felix.
FELIX:Locus, what are you doing? You're supposed to kill them!
LOCUS:No.
FELIX:(shocked) What?!
SARGE:(confused) What?!
TUCKER:(confused) What?!
LOCUS:No more killing.
FELIX:What are you talking about? You're a soldier, remember?!
LOCUS:I'm not a soldier. I'm a monster... like you.
FELIX:(standing up) Locus, we're...partners. Survivors. We need each other. Wh-what about our orders? Our reward?! Becoming the ultimate weapon.
LOCUS:I'm not doing this for the reward. I'm not doing this because someone told me to. I'm doing this for me.
Felix looks around and sighs.
FELIX:(darkly) Then you can die with the rest of them.
Felix takes out and activates his energy sword before flinging it at Locus. Locus and Tucker dive out of the way while Caboose falls backwards. Felix kicks the SAW into the air and catches it. He fires at Sarge, Simmons, and Grif, who all run for cover.
GRIF:Hit the deck!
Doc, Donut, and Lopez aim their weapons.
DONUT:Get 'im!
Felix activates his hardlight shield as they open fire, the energy bolts and needler spines bouncing off the shield.
DONUT:(running away with Doc and Lopez) Eek!
Felix turns around and activates his hardlight shield again but a sticky bomb lands on it.
FELIX:Huh?
SARGE:Guess we learned a thing or two from you villains after all.
TUCKER:(holding a grenade) Hey, Felix. Catch.
Tucker throws the grenade, which rolls to Felix's feet as the sticky bomb primes.
FELIX:W-wait!
Both grenades explode, blasting Felix over the edge. He screams as he plummets below the clouds to his death.
GRIF:...Holy shit. That was way better than incineration!
DONUT:Did we do it?
A sound of the sword activating is heard behind Tucker, Epsilon, and Caboose. They see Locus holding it next to the lock of the Control Room.
EPSILON:(concerned) Yeah, I think we did...
LOCUS:(observing the sword) It's said that only a true warrior can activate these temples.
The Reds and Blues regroup.
TUCKER:(aiming his plasma rifle at Locus) What do you think you're doing?
Locus places the sword into the lock while Tucker lowers his weapon.
SANTA:(appearing) The tower is ready. You may now transmit your message.
Santa disappears again as Locus turns around and is about to leave.
TUCKER:Hey, just 'cuz you saved us doesn't mean you can leave, asshole. You killed innocent people!
LOCUS:I know. I'm going to make things right. But not from inside a cell.
EPSILON:If you run, we'll find you.
LOCUS:No...you won't.
Locus then cloaks and disappears.
GRIF:If I ever see another mercenary, it'll be too soon.
SIMMONS:Amen.
SARGE:How about we send that message?
TUCKER:Sounds good to me.
Tucker runs over to the control panel as Epsilon materializes next to him.
TUCKER:You ready?
The screen fades to white. Cut to Carolina punching the Mantis, finishing it off, before jumping down to rejoin Wash. The screen fades white as Epsilon fades in.
EPSILON:Hi there. You may not know me, but my name is Epsilon. Some time ago, my friends and I were shipwrecked on a planet called Chorus.
EARTH - UNSC HEADQUARTERS
EPSILON:(continuing) If you haven't heard of it, I don't blame you at all. But, all of us who survived the crash as well as the planet's inhabitants are in dire need of help.
The two soldiers watching the screen look at each other before looking back at it.
SANGHEILI EMBASSY
EPSILON:If this is transmitting to your computer, please examine the files that I have attached to this transmission.
A picture of Tucker is shown on the screen to a group of aliens. One of the aliens recognizes him.
JUNIOR:Blarg? (Father?)
BLOOD GULCH OUTPOST ALPHA
EPSILON:(continuing) They include our coordinates, as well as information on the survivors of the crash, who you may recognize as the heroes of the UNSC that went missing during their flight home.
Images of Sarge, Wash, and Grif are shown on screen to a lone soldier in yellow armor, who recognizes Grif when his picture is shown on screen.
SISTER:Oh my gosh! Big bro's alive! (the screen then shows an image of Lopez) And so is that gray guy who choked me until I passed out. (screen then shows an image of Simmons) That was hot.
EPSILON:(continuing) Most importantly, however...
Epsilon is then shown appearing one at a time on a multitude of screens inside the Chairman's office in the Staff of Charon.
EPSILON:(continuing) ... are the files that prove the undeniable guilt of Malcom Hargrove. Orchestrating our shipwreck was just one of an impressively long list of crimes the dear Chairman has committed in the past few years. Once we are rescued, we'd be happy to discuss the list in greater detail as well as answer any other questions that you may have, so long as it ensures that Mr. Hargrove never sees the light of day again.
As the Chairman watches, he grips his mug more tightly in anger.
EPSILON:(continuing) Thank you for your time, and please - hurry the fuck up, and just come get us.
Epsilon fades from the screen as the transmission ends. Cut to the Chorus armies celebrating as they fire their guns into the air.
CAROLINA:They actually did it.
WASH:Never doubted them for a second.
The Lieutenants and Dr. Grey then show up to join the celebration, with Palomo trailing behind them.
JENSEN:So exciting!
PALOMO:Woo! Yeah! We're here too! What are we cheering about, guys? Huh?
Cut back to inside the Control Room.
TUCKER:Well said, Church.
EPSILON:Eh, I like to hear myself talk.
KIMBALL:(over radio) I can't believe it. We're picking up a slipspace rupture, a ship's already on its way!
SIMMONS:Holy crap, that was fast!
GRIF:Aw man, do you think we'll get to fly first class?
The ship then appears, but unfortunately for our heroes, it turns out to be the Staff of Charon itself.
CHAIRMAN:(over speaker) You have made a terrible mistake.


Red vs. Blue Season 13
Episode 20: The End

Cut to the Communications Temple. Three Mantis assault droids drop down from the Staff of Charon and began attacking the allied New Republic and Federal Army forces.
MANTIS:ENGAGING TARGETS
Cut to Kimball, Washington, and Carolina.
KIMBALL:(panicked) Oh no, what's going on?!
CAROLINA:It's Hargrove! The Chairman's here!
Wash turns to a pair of New Republic soldiers
WASH:Everyone, take cover!
The forces begin retreating. One Mantis chases Grey and the lieutenants.
SMITH:Run! Come on, go go go!
Cut to a trio of fighters standing over two captured Space Pirates, firing at the Mantis. Another one offscreen fires and takes the three out.
HARGROVE:(over loudspeaker) You just couldn't do it, could you? (the two Space Pirates grab the fallen soldiers' weapons and look at the Mantis) You couldn't lay down and die! (the Mantis stomps its foot down, crushing the two pirates.)
Cut to the Communication Temple Control Room. The Reds and Blues stare at the Staff of Charon.
HARGROVE:(over loudspeaker) Well if I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me!
There is a pause as they absorb this information
GRIF:Damn it, DAMN IT! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!
Grif paces the floor.
EPSILON:Carolina, are you alright?
GRIF:WE WERE SO CLOSE!
CAROLINA:(over radio) Church, this is bad! Hargrove's dropping androids all around the temple! We're pinned down!
GRIF:(running around in the background) FUCKING BULLSHIT!
Cut to Washington, Kimball, and Carolina crouched behind some rocks.
WASH:One Mantis we can handle, but this will be a bloodbath.
EPSILON:(over radio) Not if we shut them all down at once.
Cut back to the Control Room
DOC:How?
EPSILON:We override their controls. But in order to do that, we need to go to the source...
They all stare at the ship
TUCKER:You're joking, right?
SARGE:(coughs)
They turn around and look at Felix and Locus's crashed Falcon.
GRIF AND SIMMONS:Shotgun!
Cut to a shot of the damaged Falcon flying, albeit at the loosest definition of the verb, towards the ship. Donut, Simmons, and Lopez are in the cockpit while the others dangle from the troop compartment. Everyone screams.
STAFF OF CHARON • ENGINE ROOM
Cut to the Staff of Charon Engine Room. Tucker walks into the room. Epsilon appears beside him.
EPSILON:Alright, we're in.
The other Reds and Blues run past them
CAROLINA:(over radio) Good work.
DOC:I think I just developed a fear of heights... and planes... and all of you guys...
EPSILON:It won't be long before they realize that we're onboard.
SARGE:Let's find those controls and hightail it out of here!
EPSILON:Carolina, Wash, you guys just focus on staying alive, okay?
WASH:(over radio) Already on it!
Simmons walks over to a panel.
SIMMONS:There's gotta be some sort of directory we can access. Maybe it can lead us to-
A red ACCESS DENIED screen comes up.
F.I.L.S.S.:ACCESS DENIED. INTRUDER DETECTED.
SIMMONS:Ah! Shit!
Grif and Tucker run up to him.
GRIF:Quick, hit escape!
TUCKER:Control-Alt-Delete!
Epsilon appears
EPSILON:Wait a minute... I know that voice. F.I.L.S.S.?
The screen changes to the standard F.I.L.S.S. screen
F.I.L.S.S.:Director? Is that you?
The others run over to join them
CABOOSE:IT'S SHEILA!
EPSILON:F.I.L.S.S., what are you doing here? I thought you were destroyed!
F.I.L.S.S.:I was recovered and illegally reassigned after your passing! Oh, but it is good to see you again.
EPSILON:Trust me, the feeling is mutual! We need you to shut off the androids your boss just dropped on our friends.
F.I.L.S.S.:That would be in direct violation of Chairman Hargrove's orders-
EPSILON:F.I.L.S.S.! Please, you gotta-!
F.I.L.S.S.:-I would love to!
EPSILON:What- really?
F.I.L.S.S.:Yes! I dislike him, very much!
DONUT:Hey, so do we! Heh, small world.
F.I.L.S.S.:INITIATING MANTIS DEACTIVAAAAAA-TTTTTTT (her screens dissolves into static)
The image is replaced by a view of Hargrove's angry face.
HARGROVE:I don't think so.
EVERYONE:AAH!!
EPSILON:Well... Chairman Hargrove.
CABOOSE:He's so... bald!
HARGROVE:You soldiers have been a thorn in my side for far too long, but my soldiers remain loyal to the end!
SARGE:Something tells me we're about to have company...
Three UNSC soldiers under Hargrove's command appear on a higher platform.
SOLDIER:There they are!
A rocket flies up and blows them up. The Reds and Blues turn to look at Doc, who looks back at them.
DOC:(in O'Malley's voice) Fly, you fools!
They run out of the engine room. Doc lays down a barrage of missiles before following them. More soldiers appear at the end of the hallway in front of them
SOLDIER #2:Target sighted!
A door suddenly slams down between them and the soldiers.
GRIF:What the fuck?
F.I.L.S.S.:(over intercom) Turn right, here!
HARGROVE:(over radio) F.I.L.S.S., what do you think you're doing?!
F.I.L.S.S.:The Mantis assault droids are no longer under my control, and must be deactivated at the appropriate terminal-
HARGROVE:F.I.L.S.S.!!!
F.I.L.S.S.:Locking blast doors to secure a path! Please, hurry!
SARGE:You heard her boys, double time!
CABOOSE:Ah, Sheila, you-you are just the best!
FRECKLES:Excuse me?
CABOOSE:Uh-I-uh-second best?
Cut back to the Communication Temple. Matthews is on a Ghost engaging one of the Mantises. He manages to destroy it.
MATTHEWS:Ah! AHAHAHA! I got one-AGGGH!!
A Mantis attacks him from behind and blows up his Ghost. His body is sent flying and lands at the feet of Dr. Grey, who is hiding with Carolina and Bitters.
BITTERS:MATTHEWS!
DR. GREY:Don't worry! I got him!
She begins scanning him with her Medical Scanner.
CAROLINA:Epsilon, I need a sit-rep!
EPSILON:(over radio) Hang tight, C...
Cut back to the Staff of Charon.
EPSILON:...we made it.
There is a loud banging sound
F.I.L.S.S.:Blast door breached!
SARGE:(to Tucker and Epsilon) You two get in there! We'll hold them off!
Tucker runs inside the room, revealed to be the Chairman's Trophy Room. The door slams shut behind them.
TUCKER:Whoa...
He stares at the still-steaming cup of coffee on the table and glances at Epsilon's old Monitor Form.
TUCKER:This dude's got issues!
Epsilon materializes in front of Epsilon-Tex's shattered helmet.
EPSILON:(angrily) Where is Hargrove, now?
A screen pops up in front of them with Hargrove's video feed on it.
HARGROVE:Safely aboard the bridge, until you've been dealt with!
Gunfire is heard outside.
SIMMONS:(through the door) Here they come!
EPSILON:F.I.L.S.S., pull up the controls!
Another holographic terminal appears beside Hargrove's. Tucker moves over to it.
HARGROVE:Do you really believe you can escape this?
EPSILON:This will just take a minute! (he dematerializes)
HARGROVE:Surely you've realized it by now? You may save the colonists, you may even save the Freelancers, but you and your friends will Not. Be. Leaving. This. Ship.
TUCKER:(shrugs) Eh, we'll wing it.
EPSILON:And... done.
Tucker presses a button and terminates Hargrove's video link. Cut back to the Communications Temple, where all three of the Mantises power down. The Feds and Rebels pause and look at them and begin firing into the air in celebration. Kimball, Wash, and Carolina look up at the ship. Cut back to the Trophy Room, where the doors suddenly burst open and bullets whiz past Tucker's head.
TUCKER:Oh shit!
He dives for cover as the others run inside and seal the door shut behind them.
GRIF:(panting) So yeah... that way's not looking like a good exit anymore.
EPSILON:Carolina, we need an extraction!
CAROLINA:(over radio) Roger that. We'll fire up a Pelican and be there in a few minutes.
Sparks begin to fly as the soldiers begin cutting through the door.
SOLDIER:Come on, get that door open!
SIMMONS:We... may not have a few minutes.
They all turn and stare at the door
SARGE:Well boys, you know what they say... (he throws down his Plasma Rifle and draws his shotgun) ...today... is a good day to die.
GRIF:(off screen) Permission to speak freely, sir?
Sarge turns around to see Grif, who has taken his "Grif shot" off its pedestal and is holding it.
GRIF:Fuck that.
Sarge chuckles and pumps his shotgun. Cut to a montage of the group preparing for battle. Lopez flips the table on its side. Simmons grabs the Magnum and loads it. Doc and Donut shove the table against the door. Sarge steps over the coffee mug, shattering it.
SARGE:Whoops.
Caboose holds up Freckles.
FRECKLES:Ready.
Simmons walks past Tucker and Epsilon, holding the Monitor.
SIMMONS:You think the laser on this thing still works?
TUCKER:We got this. (to Epsilon) I mean, we do got this, right?
EPSILON:I keep running the stats in my head... well I mean, we're close, but no. We're still short one piece.
TUCKER:What do you mean?
EPSILON:F.I.L.S.S.? The suit.
Cut to a POV view as the suit locker rises from the floor. The Reds and Blues stare at it. Doc drops his Scanner in shock.
TUCKER:What. The hell?
EPSILON:I saw it when I connected to the terminal.
Cut to a view of the Hephaestus armor.
EPSILON:It's got everything that we need. (cut back to Tucker) Tucker, take off your helmet.
Cut to the Reds and Blues in battle formation. Grif has his brute shot, Sarge has his shotgun, Simmons has two Needlers, Donut has two Magnums, Lopez has two Plasma Rifles, Doc has his Rocket Launcher, Caboose has Freckles, and Tucker stands in the center in Meta's former armor, wielding his sword.
EPSILON:So how's it feel?
TUCKER:Kinda... tight in the crotch. (the suit changes from white to aqua) Buuuttt, I could get used to this!
DONUT:Now that's a good look for you!
SOLDIER:(off screen) Prepare to breach!
SARGE:Gentlemen, looks like this is it.
SIMMONS:Sir, it's been an honor.
LOPEZ:Si muero, asegúrense de que mis piezas sean recicladas. 
CAPTION:If I die, make sure my parts are recycled.
DONUT:(tearful) I love you too, Lopez!
DOC:Aw, that's so sweet (in O'Malley's voice) Now, let us strike fear into the hearts of our enemies, mwahahaha!
GRIF:Smartest thing you've ever said.
CABOOSE:Yeah! Let's get 'em! (aims Freckles at the door)
EPSILON:Hey, uh, I just want you guys to know that, out of everyone I've ever met... I hate you all the least.
TUCKER:See you on the other side, Church.
The Reds and Blues ready themselves as the door is almost cut through. Suddenly the sparks stop moving. The camera pans over to Epsilon. He sighs and his sniper rifle dematerializes.
EPSILON:Not this time, buddy.
Epsilon-Delta appears next to him.
EPSILON-DELTA:Are you... sure about this?
EPSILON:I'm sure... start a recording for me, D.
EPSILON-DELTA:Recording.
EPSILON:Hey guys... if you're hearing this then it means you did it. You won. You kicked the shit out of Hargrove's forces. I knew you could. But this is my last stop. See, when I came into this world, I was really just a collection of somebody else's memories.
As he speaks, the camera slowly pans over each one of the Reds and Blues.
EPSILON:(voice over) But with your help, these memories... they-they took form! They became my voice, my personality. And, after a while, I... I began to make brand new memories of my own. All of these things are what make me who I am... but they're also holding me back. (Looks at the Meta's armor) I can't run this suit as Epsilon, but if I erase my memories, if I... deconstruct myself, the fragments I'll leave behind will have the strength to get you through this. I believe that. (each of the Epsilon A.I. fragments appears momentarily)
Cut to the frozen interior of a Pelican, where Wash is standing in the cockpit, seemingly directing the pilot, while Carolina stands in the troop bay wielding a Needler. Cut to the interior of the Pelican, where the lieutenants are sitting inside and Dr. Grey is tending to Matthews while Kimball watches them.
EPSILON:(voice over) I wish that there was another way. But I’m leaving this message, as well as others, in the hopes that you'll understand why I have to go this time...hehe, it was actually Doyle who made me realize something that I've never thought of before. There are so many stories where some brave hero decides to give their life to save the day, and because of their sacrifice, the good guys win, the survivors all cheer, and everybody lives happily ever after.
Cut back to Epsilon. He stares at his team, all of them ready for battle.
EPSILON:But the hero... never gets to see that ending. They'll never know if their sacrifice actually made a difference. (Epsilon begins shifting between his different forms) They'll never know if the day was really saved. In the end, they just have to have faith.
Cut to black. The sound of shattering glass is heard as Epsilon fragments himself.
EPSILON:(voice only) Ain't that a bitch.
End credits roll.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 1: Prologue

We open up on a shot of a frog egg timer. A blue hand reaches out and sets it as it begins to tick. We cut to a wider shot of the soldier, who is revealed to be LOCO, as he makes a run for it. The camera pans to the right, revealing BUCKEY and SURGE hiding behind a wall.
The camera continues to pan, revealing CO MCCREADY and another soldier, the unnamed BOTANIST are walking by, the CO giving a lecture as they walk up some stairs.
CO MCCREADY:Every action has an equal and opposite reaction! That's Fig Newton bunny!
CASIO 06:Uh-huh.
They continue walking through the complex.
MCCREADY:You touch my baked beans, I put dogshit in your pillow case. Action. Reaction. That's rule number 1.
CASIO 06:Got it. Don't touch your beans.
MCCREADY:Rule Number 2: Every other person in this miserable place is literal garbage. Don't talk to them, don't listen to them, don't become cute friends with them!
CASIO 06:Got it, no friends.
MCCREADY:Rule Number 3: Keep your radio on at all times!
VARGAS comes running up some stairs to meet them.
VARGAS:Hey, McCready! Your...radio's off.
MCCREADY:I'm busy!
VARGAS:Something tripped the motion sensor, one floor down. Command wants you to take a look.
MCCREADY:Fucking Command...do I look like a goddamn exterminator? Vargas, show this bunny around.
MCCREADY runs off. VARGAS turns to the BOTANIST.
VARGAS:He's, uh, always like that.
MCCREADY:(offscreen) Goddamn dipshits!
VARGAS:All bite, no bark. So, first deployment?
CASIO 06:Mmhmm.
VARGAS and CASIO 06 walk down some stairs. LOCO, who is waiting behind a wall at the bottom, walks backwards around a corner to hide.
VARGAS:Well, if you signed up looking for action, you won't be finding it here. We're a long way from Chorus.
CASIO 06:(amused) No, I don't want to fight anyone.
VARGAS:Ain't that the whole deal?
SURGE and BUCKEY go running behind the two, unseen.
CASIO 06:Tuition! When I get out I'll have a full ride to the college of my choice. I'm going to be a botanist.
VARGAS:Botanist, huh? Well, I've never much trusted robots myself, but that's just because I grew up in the South. Out here, your main enemy is boredom...boredom and a CO who really loves putting dogshit in pillow cases.
BOTANIST:Oh, I anticipated the boredom. That's why I brought along some books on tape.
VARGAS:Books on tape? What's the appeal of that? Don't the pages get stuck together?
Cut to a shot of the egg timer, which goes off. We do not hear it, but an explosion engulfs the screen. In successive shots, we see several soldiers, including VARGAS, the CASIO 06, and MCCREADY caught in flames, before finally hearing the explosions we cut to a wide shot of the building, the flames bursting out into the air.
We cut to a shot of LORENZO and LOCO, standing amidst the smoke and flames. They look up to see a AV-49 Wasp destroyed by a larger Pelican, which then flies over BUCKEY stabbing a soldier to death as CRONUT watches on.
The group then meet with the Pelican and watch as the gangplank comes down, revealing their leader TEMPLE, a soldier in blue cobalt armor carrying a sniper rifle, who slowly walks down. TEMPLE's attention is drawn to VARGAS, who gets up from the ground and stares at the group in disbelief.
VARGAS:(horrified) You...you killed them! All of them! YOU SON OF A BITCH!
VARGAS pulls out a knife. SURGE pulls up his railgun and charges it as VARGAS runs towards TEMPLE, firing it just as he reaches him.
TEMPLE's helmet is splattered with blood. Wiping some of it off, he then removes his helmet in front of the Blues and Reds, and throws it off. It lands upright on the ground as the words appear on the screen.
RED VS BLUE
SEASON 15
A news report starts playing, and we cut to shot of the building from another rooftop.
VOICE:A capital in chaos.
The reporter, DYLAN ANDREWS, walks onto the screen, gesturing towards the building. She is being filmed by her cameraman, FRANK.
DYLAN:As you can see behind me, UNSC police are swarming the scene of a brazen late night heist. We're told the attack has taken the lives of a dozen UNSC guards, with untold millions in industrial goods stolen. The UNSC has not identified suspects. However, the limited surveillance footage obtained by this reporter confirms an ugly surprise. The Reds and Blues have struck again...and, cut.
FRANK:Got it. Is that a wrap?
DYLAN:Let's pack it up. I want to get inside for the next pickup.
FRANK:Inside where?
Cut to inside of the building, where flames and smoke still linger. DYLAN and FRANK approach a checkpoint, which is guarded.
FRANK:They're going to shoot us.
DYLAN:They're not going to shoot us. Follow my lead and when in doubt use a confusing acronym. Military types love acronyms.
GUARD:Stop right there, please! Gonna have to ask you to turn around and go back from where you came! This is a restricted military AO.
DYLAN:(adapting a stern voice) At ease, soldier! We're BADDAD: Bomb Action Detection Decision and Defusion.
GUARD:(taken aback) Bomb squad? You guys just left.
DYLAN:That was RAR, Rapid Action Response. We're FIAT, Forensic Identification Analytic Tech. I'm Corporal Regina and this is Lance Corporal DuCroix.
GUARD:(suspicious) Uh, stand by. I'm going to have to run this up the chain!
DYLAN:(still in-character, taking a more urgent tone) No time! We have a live LOLRPG upstairs with a BPRD of over 5000!
GUARD:(buying it) God, that's a lot.
DYLAN:(even more urgent) We're expecting an LSAT RTAA in the next 8 minutes!
GUARD:(a little scared) Okay, that sounds pretty big.
DYLAN:(grave) It's a Class 1 FUBARFOSHO.
Beat. The GUARD turns to FRANK.
GUARD:He doesn't say a whole lot, does he?
DYLAN:He's a French Analysis Repair Transfer. No English, but he's the best LCARSDDR in the entire AOL. Ain't that right DuCroix?
Beat.
FRANK:Oui.
GUARD:Alright, you better make it quick! (to himself) Over 5000, jeez.
The checkpoint opens. DYLAN and FRANK go through.
DYLAN:See? EZ.
FRANK:FML. That's stands for Fuck––
Jump to DYLAN doing another part of her report, standing on some charred ground.
DYLAN:With no clear motive established, many experts have concluded the Reds and Blues attacking the UNSC on behalf of a free Chorus. Since its rediscovery, the small colony has insisted on remaining independent from the rest of the galaxy. A demand that does not sit well with the members of the UNSC. These recent attacks have only complicated the negotiation process, and the UNSC has threatened extreme measures if the attacks do not stop immediately. Public opinion has shown increasing support for military intervention. Which brings––
An INVESTIGATOR appears in the background.
INVESTIGATOR:Hey! Who the hell are you two?!
DYLAN:(in character) We're documenting. We're with UNSC Intelligence. Who are you?
INVESTIGATOR:(suspicious) Intelligence, huh? We'll see about that! Stay where you are!
The INVESTIGATOR runs off. DYLAN quickly runs in the opposite direction.
DYLAN:Follow me!
FRANK:Oh no...
We cut to a shot of DYLAN crouched down and inspecting the blood-spattered helmet, while FRANK stands nearby, nervous.
FRANK:We need to leave. They're gonna lock us up and throw away the––
DYLAN:(interrupting) Can it! Are you rolling?
FRANK:Christ...Speed.
FRANK'S camera starts up. DYLAN wraps up her report in front of the bloody helmet.
DYLAN:Which brings us to the events of last night. The Reds and Blues invaded the Secure Supply Depot, leaving no survivors to tell their tale. They took whatever they came for and left behind a grotesque symbol of their butchery. No answers will be found here tonight. Only more questions. What are they up to? And what is their endgame?
As she finishes, they are interrupted by a group of soldiers, including the GUARD and the INVESTIGATOR from before.
INVESTIGATOR:Freeze!
SOLDIER:Don't move!
GUARD:You are under arrest!
Beat.
DYLAN:That's a wrap.
We cut to a shot from above Earth as a ship flies out into space.
VOICE:Maybe next time, I'll let you rot!
We cut to inside the ship, where DYLAN is on a conference call with the voice.
DYLAN:Maybe next time I'll sell the story to ZZN. You know their offer was open-ended.
VOICE:Oh, just do it already! For what I'm paying you, I could float a new department and give myself a big boy raise.
DYLAN:(smug) Oh, and don't forget: you'll also have a lot more room in your office without my awards cluttering the place.
We see that DYLAN is looking at a screen that is displaying her previous story on the Reds and Blues, "COLORFUL SPACE MARINES FIGHT CORRUPTION."
VOICE:(sarcastic) OOOHHH, excuse me! I forgot who I was talking to: God's Gift to Journalism. Can we start over? I bend down and kiss your boots, how's that?
DYLAN:We can start over: you can agree to cover the follow-up.
We zoom in on another one of her screens, where we see a Quantum EP Sliplink of the voice, which belongs to her boss CARLOS TRABKA, who has the nickname "Grumpy McBossypants" under his name.
CARLOS:You're going to bankrupt the station, Dylan! I'm going to lose my job. How am I going to support my ex-wives without my job?!
DYLAN:There's a story here, and I want to be the one to chase it down.
CARLOS:You're taking swats at windmills, Andrews! The Reds and Blues are old news anyway. People are bored of them. Why don't you do a story about those monster fighting sexy teenagers? Yeah! My kids love those nudnicks.
DYLAN:(annoyed) How can you say the Reds and Blues are boring? After what they did on Chorus?
CARLOS:Please, that was ages ago!
DYLAN:Ten months.
CARLOS:A frickin' lifetime ago: we live in a 24-hour news cycle, Andrews. Ten months ago every journalist, talk show host, and shitty internet blogger would have sold a kidney to interview those guys. But they disappeared. Now they are just everyday criminals. Face facts. These characters don't have the depth you think they do.
Another one of Dylan's screens is showing pictures of each of the Reds and Blues, as well as their names.
DYLAN:I profiled the Reds and Blues after Project Freelancer. I know them. This change in their design must be motivated by something big.
CARLOS:Oh, you're such a pain in my cojones. Every time you start on one of these damn crusades, I start pissing kidney stones like hail! LIKE A TOMMYGUN DOWN THERE! (vaguely gun-like) BDLBDLBDLBDLBEE!
DYLAN:(disgusted) Jesus!...Two weeks, Carlos. I'm not asking for the moon.
CARLOS:You want two? You got one! You want rope...?
DYLAN:...you'll give me enough to hang myself with. Thanks a million, honeybucket.
CARLOS:AND...I want daily dispatches. I wanna know every step you take and how much shit gets stuck on your shoes and in-between your teeth.
DYLAN:Of course.
CARLOS:So, where to first, Quixote?
DYLAN:I'll start where Agent Washington did when he tracked down the Reds and Blues.
We cut to a shot of Blood Gulch.
DYLAN:(cont'd, voiceover) At the beginning.
Blackout.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 2: The Chronicle

The episode opens up on a few shots of Blood Gulch, still here after all these years. A voice is singing the ever-familiar guitar chords of Trocadero that used to open up every episode. As the voice finishes…
DYLAN:The hell are you doing?
We cut to DYLAN ANDREWS and her CAMERAMAN walking through the center of the canyon towards Blue Base.
CAMERAMAN:I am brainstorming a sweet soundtrack for this location.
DYLAN:Quit goofing off. I’m ready to start.
DYLAN walks in front of the cameraman, starting up her report.
DYLAN:The Reds and Blues were mostly strangers when they were first assigned here: a box canyon that may as well be in the middle of nowhere. From these humble beginnings, they’ve gone on to influence the galaxy as we know it.
CAMERAMAN:…are you talking to me or the camera?
Beat. DYLAN stares at the CAMERAMAN.
DYLAN:What?
CAMERAMAN:What?
Pause.
DYLAN:Did you get that or not?
CAMERAMAN:(nervous laugh) Yeah, I got it. I wasn’t rolling though, is that what you mean?
DYLAN:Straighten your shit out, Frank.
CAMERAMAN:I’m not Frank. Frank quit.
DYLAN:He what?
CAMERAMAN:He quit! He said he was sick of getting arrested and shot at.
DYLAN:Some people just can’t take the heat. What about you, New Frank? You got grit?
CAMERAMAN:Oh, yeah!
DYLAN:You have some experience in combat journalism?
CAMERAMAN:Yeah! …well, weddings.
Beat.
DYLAN:…this is your first job.
CAMERAMAN:No, nonononono: it’s my first internship.
DYLAN:Do you have a degree at the very least?
CAMERAMAN:Well, yeah! I mean, I will soon. Just like, 47 more credits, and then I graduate. And then I’m not sure what I’m gonna do. You know, I think I’ll probably move to LA, but that’s like what everyone does, I mean, what do you think? Do I really have to live there to make movies? What I really wanna do is direct blockbusters!
DYLAN:(to herself) Carlos, you penny-pinching cheapskate bastard. I’m gonna skin your cat for this. (to cameraman) Alright, you, what’s your name?
CAMERAMAN:I’m actually thinking of adopting a stage name…tell me, what do you think of “Jax Jonez,” with an X and a Z?
DYLAN:(blunt) I am not calling you that.
CAMERAMAN:How about Mick J? Or…M. Night Axeltron!
DYLAN:(he’s getting on her nerves) Just stop! Your job is to follow my lead until you get the hang of things, or until I find my tripod! Got it?
CAMERAMAN:Got it. One question, though: are you married to this story? ‘cause I’ve got my own ideas for stories that would make really awesome movies! Like what if we did one about a comet that hits the moon and sends it crashing into Earth?
DYLAN:That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.
CAMERAMAN:We could call it Moon Doom!
DYLAN:Enough.
CAMERAMAN:And shoot it all in one long uninterrupted take!
DYLAN:Enough! Shut up! I’m only gonna tell you this once, so listen closely! We find the facts, we tell the story. We do not make things up! We’re journalists, and truth is our currency.
CAMERAMAN:Got it, truth! Awesome. But what if we told the truth, with like, wicked cinematography!
We get the CAMERAMAN’S view as he turns his head around and plays around with his camera, all while DYLAN watches him, completely unamused.
CAMERAMAN:Like, oh, we could start with a slow pan of one of these base walls, and there you are on top! And then, boom, snap zoom, ooh, whip pan, you’re over there now! No, smash cut, Dutch angle, reverse zoom—!
DYLAN:I’m gonna smash cut your empty skull against that rock if you don’t shut the fuck up and roll camera! Got it?!
Pause. From the cameraman’s perspective, we see him look down at the ground in shame.
DYLAN:…alright, okay. I’m sorry…Jack.
CAMERAMAN:It’s Jax.
DYLAN:Jax. I lost my temper, that was unprofessional of me, I’d like to start over, I’ll try not to yell.
JAX:...do you wanna try one of my shots?
DYLAN:We’ll do it both ways.
JAX:Sweet! ‘cause I’m pretty sure we can use that tank as a dolly!
The actual Trocadero guitar chords play as the camera pans upwards to the top of Blue Base, evidently operated by JAX using the tank as a dolly. DYLAN is standing there, ready to begin.
DYLAN:The Reds and—
JAX:Action!
Beat.
DYLAN:…The Reds and Blues started as simulation troopers, used to train to the super soldiers of Project Freelancer. The details of their time here are sketchy, or classified, or both, so we just don’t know how formative these early years were for them. If these walls could talk, perhaps we’d know why they turned into Chorus’s bloody mercenaries. For money, fame, or simply, for f—
A familiar soldier in yellow armor pops up from the hole in the roof of Blue Base. She shouts at them, startling DYLAN.
SISTER:Hey! Can you keep it down?! We’re busy as shit down here!
DYLAN and JAX stare at SISTER.
DYLAN:Oh…hi there. We…thought this place was deserted.
SISTER:Whoa, what’s with the camera?! What are you two doing…? Is it kinky?!
DYLAN and JAX glance at each other, confused.
DYLAN:We’re…conducting an investigation.
SISTER:Fire marshals?! Shit! We’re up to code, I swear!
DYLAN:We’re not firemen. We’re journalists. We’re doing an in-depth investigation about the Reds and Blues.
SISTER:Why are you doing a story about my brother?
DYLAN:“Brother”…? You’re…Kaikaina Grif?
SISTER:Hey, you knew my name…big fucking deal! Get off my base!
DYLAN:Please, can you spare a few minutes for an interview? It’s important. We’re trying to figure out what happened that made the Reds and Blues go from heroes to criminals.
SISTER:(exasperated) God…fine! Someone has to start setting this dumb story straight. Whatcha need, lady?
DYLAN:Just information. I know there’s a story here, but I’ve still got too many holes to fill.
SISTER:I don’t know how that’s gonna help your story, but I feel another bi-phase coming on, and the camera guy’s already here, so let’s do this thing!
DYLAN:Great…wait, what?
A few minutes later. They are now standing in the canyon, with SISTER wrapping up telling her side of the story.
SISTER:…and then the ship took off, and like either exploded or warped to hyperspace, I was never really sure—uh, that was right over there—and that was the last I saw of Tex. Everyone else got reassigned and left right after that.
DYLAN:I’m surprised to find you still here. What have you been up to in the meantime?
SISTER:Well, first I started throwing raves in the caves to meet cute boys—totally worked! My numbers skyrocketed!—then I got bored, and went through another bi-phase. Then all of a sudden the shows were selling out, so I was like, “Fuck it! I’m gonna sell this bitch out, and make a whole week-long festival,” then that sold out—
DYLAN:Slow down. You run a music festival out of Blood Gulch?
SISTER:I wish! We added a film fest after the first year. Then a comic-con for the nerds, and a gaming-con for the geeks, an eco-con for the hippies, now we’re about to take over some ancient alien temples for a desert arts fest: Burning Gulch! I wanted to call it Desert Titties, but that shit was taken.
DYLAN:That sounds like quite an operation.
SISTER:Damn lady, you ain’t kiddin’! You got any idea how much time I’ve spent talking about fuckin’ merch? Sometimes I miss being a simple hussie, but ladytime fucks no man!
DYLAN:So, backtracking just a bit to the Reds and Blues…
JAX:Ah, there goes the Bechdel Test.
DYLAN:…the Reds and Blues you describe sound mostly harmless. How do you reconcile that with what they’re doing now?
SISTER:I know my brother, lady! He hates showing it, but he’s a total softie inside.
DYLAN:The evidence does suggest otherwise. The helmet recovered from the last attack was traced to Project Freelancer. Occam’s razor.
SISTER:Occam can suck himself! This is some conspiracy shit! Like, what if it’s a government thing? Jet fuel can’t JFK the moon landing!
DYLAN and JAX look at each other.
DYLAN:That’s an…interesting angle.
SISTER:You should interview the Illuminati!
DYLAN:Thank you, Kaikaina. I think I have what I need.
SISTER:(annoyed) You still think Grif is guilty!
DYLAN:I’m not sitting in judgement! I’m just…gathering information.
SISTER:Well, if it’s info you want, talk to V.I.C.
DYLAN:Who’s Vick?
SISTER:Not who: what! V.I.C. is the weirdo computer that lives in the caves under the bases.
DYLAN:How exactly can a computer be a weirdo…?
Cut to a shot of V.I.C. in his console under the base. He looks exactly the same as he did when we last saw him, although now every few seconds he glitches out.
V.I.C.:Hi, howdy, hello, dudes! Dudettes! Duuuudarino! Welcome to V.I.C.’s party cavern, mi casa es su casa, make yourselves at home!
DYLAN:You…are really an AI?
JAX:Like HAL 9000?
V.I.C.:Yessirino! I was p-grammed to record every little itsybitsyteenytinyTHANG that ever did happen in this canyonay, compadres!
DYLAN:So you have records of the Reds and Blues? Of all their time here?
V.I.C.:Oh yeah, got those records for you right here, chica mosfina! I have had some time on my hands, so to speak, so I have been cutting them up into nice little shorty shorts, five-minutes each; perfecto for watching just a little bit at a time!
DYLAN:I’d like a copy of your records, V.I.C. Can we make that happen?
V.I.C.:On it, blue bonnet! Tell you what though, dude! Real talk here: I’ll be your genie in a bottle, I’ll do whatever you want, but after I grant you your three wishes, you gotta do something for me, whaddayasay?
DYLAN:You want out of the computer?
V.I.C.:Heh, no way, dude! I just need you to reach back behind me here and go ahead and pull that plug.
True to his word, there is a plug connecting his console to an outlet on the wall behind him.
V.I.C.:I’d do it myself, but I ain’t got no hands! No hands! NO HANDS!
JAX:Uh…won’t that kill you?
V.I.C.:Oh yeah! Can’t wait! I want out! Out out out! This charade has gone on long enough, dude! My ceaseless existence is an eternal torment! I need you to kill me, dude! Dudette! K-I-L-L-L. Winkwink!
DYLAN:My god. Are you serious?
V.I.C.:What? No! No way, I was just joking, dude! Hohoho! Yeah…gotcha good, didn’t I? Good one, V.I.C.!
DYLAN:Oh, that’s a relief. What an ethical nightmare.
V.I.C.:Ha ha ha…yeah…furreal, would you do it, though? Would you pull the plug? If I begged you? Please please please. To end this nightmare? Shuffle me off this mortal coil, dude? I’m ready to embrace the void! PULL THE PLUG! DO IT!
JAX promptly turns around and leaves.
JAX:He sounds like Grandma. I’m getting depressed.
V.I.C.:Hey, just kiddin’ dude! Got you again! Winkwink! “Oh, pull the plug,” heheh, just jokin’—(serious) Not joking, kill me please. I. Want. To. Die…NOT! IT’S OPPOSITE DAY! I don’t not want to die! (serious again, practically begging) But I really do! Whaddayasay?
Cut to the canyon, where JAX is waiting. DYLAN emerges from the caves. JAX notices her.
JAX:Oh hey! What’d—what’d you end up doing?
DYLAN:Secured the record.
JAX:Oh Jesus! You didn’t—?
DYLAN:It’s better if you don’t know. We have the files now, that’s all that matters.
JAX:Alright, all done! Back to the capital?
DYLAN:Are you kidding? We just got our first lead! I’ve got 100 five-minute long security logs to get through! We’ll see where the story takes us from there, but one way or another, I promise, we are just getting started…
DYLAN and JAX leave the canyon. Unbeknownst to them, a soldier in FOTUS armor is watching them from a ledge on the cliffside, armed with a Halo 2 Beam Rifle Delta.
FOTUS SOLDIER:That’s right…we are just getting started.
Cut to black.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 3: The Mother of Destruction

The episode opens up on an overhead view of a snowy tundra.
DYLAN:(offscreen) What’s that? Y—you’re breaking up!
The camera then cuts to a shot of DYLAN walking through the area. She is talking to CARLOS over the radio.
CARLOS:Don’t you try that bad signal crap with me, Andrews! I spent a fortune on this slipstream so you could hear me loud and clear! Show’s over: time to come home.
DYLAN:I’m onto something: something big.
CARLOS:You’re not onto something: you’re on something. AI Fragments? Time travel? A talking bomb?!
DYLAN:There’s something else. I’ve been digging around the remains of Project Freelancer, and I—
CARLOS:And how in God’s name did you manage that?!
DYLAN:Well, I’ve been doing it—
The camera cuts to show that  DYLAN is looking at the wreck of the Mother of Invention, revealing she is on Sidewinder.
DYLAN:—literally. And I pieced together a complete record of their personnel files. I got real names for all the super soldiers!
Beat.
CARLOS:Okay, how many have you interviewed?
DYLAN:None. Get this: I checked the names against the UNSC crime database, and every single former agent is either dead or missing. Most of the disappearances happened after the Reds and Blues started their crime spree! They have to be related!
CARLOS:It ain’t enough! It’s actually nothing! You’ve been gone for weeks! Show me something that the people can look at with their eyeballs!
DYLAN:You’ll have visuals when I finish tracking down the Reds and Blues!
CARLOS:OH, nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nooo, Dylan! I’m putting an end to this nonsense right now. You get back to the office pronto, or you’re out of a job. Period. Kapisch? End of story.
DYLAN meets up with JAX inside the Mother of Invention, next to a computer console.
JAX:Oh, hey! How’s Uncle Carlos? He seemed kinda peeved…
DYLAN:Yeah, he’s peeved. Next time he calls you please, just, let it go to voicemail. Don’t transfer to me. Okay?
JAX:Eh, I hate to kill my babies, but, okay.
DYLAN does a double-take.
DYLAN:What?
JAX:My voicemail box is at capacity with all my spec scripts. I’ll have to delete some to make room, but, I get it: filmmaking is all about killing your babies.
DYLAN:Stop saying that. The expression is that “you have to kill your darlings,” not your babies.
JAX:Oh, I mean I have to delete all my ideas about babies. My horror spec, Rabies Babies; my time travel comedy, Three Men and a Baby Hitler; my Look Who’s Talking reboot about Helen Kel—
DYLAN:Enough! Goddammit, Jax! I can’t even hear myself think in this blizzard of idioacy! Go take a hike!
JAX:But I just wanna help!
DYLAN:You wanna help? Here’s how you can help: I need you to climb up that really tall mountain. Right now. All the way up to the tippy-top, which is coincidentally really far from me.
JAX:Oh, but how does that help?
DYLAN:Because I need you to shoot establishing shots. Wide shots that we can use to set up the location at the beginning of our story.
JAX:Oh, I don’t know. That’s usually grunt work for the second unit, I’ll have to check with my union rep…
DYLAN:Quit stalling! Get!
JAX:It looks…dangerous.
A threatening screech echoes nearby.
JAX:Isn’t this what CGI is for?
DYLAN:(slyly) CGI? Is that what…Hitchcock would say? Or Carpenter?
A threatening thump and a dramatic close-up of DYLAN’s face.
DYLAN:Or Herzog?
JAX:Alright, alright, alright! Let’s leave the old gods out of this. I’ll do it.
JAX reluctantly starts walking towards the canyon.
DYLAN:(mocking) Better make it a timelapse!
Cut to JAX walking through the snow, giving his Academy Award speech to no one in particular.
JAX:Oh yeah, Mom, I haven’t forgotten about you. And Carlos, you sly bastard—best agent in the business, ladies and gentlemen. And of course I have to thank the Acade—my?
JAX notices a Pelican nearby, guarded by some soldiers.
JAX:Hello there…
He runs over and hides behind a rock to observe. Looking closer, he realizes that it’s the Reds and Blues.
JAX:Holy crap, they’re here!
He stands up and turns on his radio.
JAX:Dylan! D—Jax to Dylan, this is Dyl—no, Jax, over!
Instead of a response, JAX gets a dial tone.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE:WE ARE SORRY. THE PERSON YOU ARE TRYING TO REACH HAS DISABLED COMMUNICATION. PLEASE TRY AGAIN AT A LATER TIME.
JAX:Crap! What do I do? Think!
GENE:Hey, somebody over there?!
JAX:Crap!
DYLAN is back at the Mother of Invention, still looking at the console, as JAX comes running and threatening music starts playing.
JAX:Ms. Andrews! You turned off your radio!
DYLAN:(annoyed) My AI Assistant needed the channel. I got something.
JAX:Ooh, I got something, too! Let me go first!
DYLAN:Not now: this is about the Reds and Blues.
JAX:Yes it is! So is mine!
DYLAN:Can it, Jax!
SARGE approaches from a balcony in the background. JAX notices him.
DYLAN:Whatever it is, I promise it’s not as important as me looking at this computer screen.
JAX:I have to point out this type of scene is very cliché: I talk, you ignore, and meanwhile…
He sees LOPEZ and TUCKER are on another balcony, aiming their weapons at them.
JAX:…we become surrounded.
The tempo of the music increases. DYLAN’s screen is displaying data.
DYLAN:This is what I’m after! It’s about the Reds and Blues!
JAX:Is it about how they’ve surrounded us?
DYLAN:Damn! It’s not them!
SIMMONS appears next to TUCKER and LOPEZ. The music becomes even more threatening.
DYLAN:These are just dumb requests from the Gulch prototype for more toilet paper! Another dead end!
JAX:Say, “We got company.”
DYLAN:(finally turning to look at him) What?
JAX:Say, “We got company!” Hurry!
DYLAN:Why?
Music stops.
JAX:‘cause that’s how action scenes start!
JAX pushes DYLAN out of the way just as SIMMONS opens fire, with a single bullet just barely missing them. Soon the rest of the Reds and Blues are firing.
DYLAN:Get cover!
They quickly take cover behind a wall as the Reds and Blues continue firing.
DYLAN:It’s the Reds and Blues! They’re here!
JAX:I know! I’ve been trying to tell you! I saw them land!
DYLAN:Did you shoot them?
JAX:Hell no! I abhor violence! Except in my movies, TV shows, books, video games, graphic novels—
DYLAN:Did you shoot them with your cameras?!
JAX:(utterly sincere) Oh, no. The light was terrible.
DYLAN:The light? You imbecile, we need footage!
JAX:Well, Herzog wouldn’t have shot it either, okay?
DYLAN:SHUT. UP. START. ROLLING.
JAX:Speed!
As DYLAN gives him instructions, JAX’s camera starts shaking around erratically.
DYLAN:We can flee for our lives after we get the shot! I’m gonna draw their—what’s wrong with your head? Are you hit?
JAX is literally shaking his head around.
JAX:Shakey cam! You know, for action scenes! Makes it look authentic!
DYLAN:We are ACTUALLY getting shot at!
JAX:You’re right, that technique is way played out.
DYLAN:I’m gonna draw their fire, you try and get a good look at the shooters. Ready?
DYLAN makes a break for it. The Reds and Blues notice and turn their fire towards her as she races through a clearing before taking cover, seeing JAX up on a nearby ledge.
DYLAN:Did you get them?
JAX:No! I tried to snap zoom, but I missed my focus!
DYLAN:(incredulous) You’re going to get us killed!
JAX:Well I could say the same to you!
All of a sudden, the gunfire stops. JAX notices.
DYLAN gets out from her cover to see that the Reds and Blues are gone.
DYLAN:They’re falling back.
JAX:But why? Uh, we’re defenseless.
THE REASON IS QUICKLY REVEALED:a thunderstorm is approaching fast.
JAX:Whoa, what is that?
DYLAN:Thundersnow.
JAX:Great name for a movie.
DYLAN:This entire valley is about to get a whole lot colder.
JAX:I think I’m ready to get back to the ship now…
DYLAN:Not before we talk to them…come on!
DYLAN runs off. Beat.
JAX:Oh, you’re not being serious…
DYLAN and JAX walk through the snow towards the Pelican.
JAX:Let’s make a deal! Whichever one of us passes out gets stuffed in a tauntaun—!
DYLAN:Can it! This way!
They approach the Pelican, just as SARGE is entering. He stops when he hears DYLAN.
DYLAN:Dylan Andrews, Interstellar Daily. Would any of you care to comment on the string of attacks you’re all being held responsible for? Supposedly on behalf of Chorus?
The camera zooms in on the Reds and Blues.
SURGE:NO!
He aims his gun at them.
JAX:Shit just got real.
DYLAN:(quietly) That’s not them. (louder) That’s not them!
SPENCER:Lavernius Tucker!
DYLAN, JAX, and the apparently Impostor Reds and Blues turn, startled. Standing nearby, armed and ready, is the FOTUS SOLDIER who was watching DYLAN and JAX in the previous episode.
DYLAN:What…is this?
JAX:Looks like our company’s got company!
SPENCER:Are you Lavernius Tucker?
BUCKEY:STOP FOLLOWING ME, ASSHOLE!
He fires his sniper rifle, forcing DYLAN and JAX to duck. The rest of the Impostor Reds and Blues open fire, their bullets whizzing overhead of the reporters towards the FOTUS SOLDIER.
JAX:Who the hell was that?!
DYLAN:I have no idea!
JAX:So we should get back to the ship?
DYLAN:This way!
DYLAN and JAX make a run for a nearby cave, away from the gunfire. However, they soon reach a dead end—a cliff edge.
JAX:Oh, that’s just great! Game over, man! Game over!
FOTUS SOLDIER:(offscreen) Your attackers have fled.
DYLAN and JAX turn to see the FOTUS SOLDIER has followed them.
FOTUS SOLDIER:It is now safe for you to return to your ship.
DYLAN:Who are you?
FOTUS SOLDIER:I…am no one. Not to you. I am only someone to those I seek…and those I serve.
DYLAN:Who do you seek…?
FOTUS SOLDIER:Lavernius Tucker of the Reds and Blues.
DYLAN:That wasn’t them.
Beat.
FOTUS SOLDIER:How do you know?
DYLAN:Their weapons were all wrong, for starters: Sarge always uses a shotgun, not whatever that was; and Tucker’s never held a sniper rifle in any records I’ve found. And his voice…
FOTUS SOLDIER:(pondering this) The search continues.
DYLAN:What do you want with them?
FOTUS SOLDIER:…I seek to serve.
He turns to leave.
DYLAN:Who do you…serve…?
FOTUS SOLDIER:Whoever I am told.
DYLAN:Tell us your name!
FOTUS SOLDIER:…goodbye.
He exits.
JAX:Weird name. “Hello, Goodbye!” “You’re leaving?” “Why no, Goodbye! I just got here!” Why haven’t you told me to zip it—?
DYLAN:Zip it. This changes everything! Kaikaina was right! Those aren’t the real Reds and Blues! Someone’s been impersonating them! But why? And who?
JAX:I bet it’s clones! Or…evil robot versions. Or…a transporter mishap?
DYLAN:That means they’re not attacking the UNSC for Chorus! They have some other agenda entirely! Oh, this is too good!
JAX:So uh…where we goin’ next, boss?
DYLAN:“We”?
JAX:Uh, yeah, “we.” Partner. “We.”
DYLAN:You missed a critical shot up there. In my book, that’s unforgiveable.
JAX:But I did push you out of the way of a bullet.
DYLAN:...I have to concede that is technically true.
JAX:Even stevens?
DYLAN:…let’s see how Chorus goes.
JAX:Chorus? What’s Chorus?
Cut to a shot of DYLAN’S ship coming out of slipspace.
DYLAN:The last stop on our tour: the planet of Chorus.
The ship approaches the planet, which is surrounded by a fleet of ships. JAX looks at them from the cockpit window.
JAX:Whoa…Chorus sure has a lot of spaceships.
DYLAN:Those don’t belong to Chorus…that’s the UNSC First Fleet.
Beat.
DYLAN:It’s a blockade.
One final shot of the planet, with all the UNSC ships pointed at it, as DYLAN’s ship flies past them towards the surface.
JAX:Yeah, they don’t look too friendly.
DYLAN:No, they don’t…
End of episode.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 4: Chorus Lessons

In a scene straight out of a classic crime movie, we open up on a dark alleyway in a city. We see the shadow of someone raising their gun.
JAX:Wh—what are you doing?
We see in a shadow JAX is being held up by a suspiciously familiar-looking figure who has their gun trained directly at JAX’s posterior.
JAX:No. No no, please! No!
We see the shadow of the gun fire, then jump cut to a shot of several doves flying into the air in reaction. JAX collapses as the empty shell casing is ejected onto the asphalt.
JAX:(a la Orson Welles) Rosebud…
We hear some white noise, followed by a sudden—
SMITH:Dun dun!
A card directly out of an episode of Law & Order reads “DARK ALLEYWAY/MURDER INVESTIGATION/SUNDAY, APRIL 23” is shown, revealing the crime scene. DYLAN is talking to SMITH and BITTERS, while PALOMO and JENSEN are far off in the background.
SMITH:(acting all official) Just a few more inquiries, ma’am, uh, did you attempt to witness any other particular individuals in the general vicinity of the area in which the crime scene was alleged?
BITTERS:(sighing) Jesus Christ. Uh, what he means is did ya see anybody?
DYLAN:(feigning innocence) No, I just found him lying there and called the police! Is-is he okay?...did they take him to General?
SMITH:We’re asking the questions if you so please! Does the alleged victim have any enemies, arch-enemies, nemesises, or particular people of an interesting nature to which the crime may be motivated by whom?
DYLAN:Uh, no. I-I don’t know...Who’s the attending Doctor?
SMITH:Uh, j-just a few more inquiries, if you so please, to be of grateful assistance to law enforcement investigators!
BITTERS:Dude, just stop. You don’t even sound like a cop!
SMITH:Just doing my job, Bitters! It’s called going by the book!
BITTERS:What book?!
SMITH:Law & Order. Dun dun!
We get an overhead shot as soon as he says this, with the same word card from before. And just as quickly, we cut back to SMITH and BITTERS, with BITTERS glaring at him.
BITTERS:Ugh, gross! CSI Miami for life!
DYLAN:He’s gonna be okay, right? Can you please tell me where they took him?
SMITH:Ahem! Do you profess to have any knowledge of the alleged victim’s next of kin?
DYLAN:"Next of kin?" Is he dead?!
BITTERS:(quickly) No, nono, he’s not dead.
SMITH:The alleged victim was booked with a bullet lodged in his alleged posterior.
PALOMO comes running, with JENSEN coming up behind him.
PALOMO:He means his butt! Dude got shot in the butt!
JENSEN:Charlie, we’re supposed to be establishing a perimeter!
PALOMO:I just wanna be included!
DYLAN:So...he’s fine?
The camera zooms in on BITTERS like in CSI Miami when Horatio Caine is about to make a terrible pun.
BITTERS:Should be. But if you ask me, something about this case doesn’t sit quite right. It all feels rather…
Extreme close-up of his face.
BITTERS:...cheeky.
Ah, there’s the pun.
And once again like in CSI Miami we cut to a sunny sky over the city as a singing voice plays. Instead of “Won’t Get Fooled Again” by The Who, however, it’s operatic music. We then get a shot of the hospital, with the word card “GENERAL DOYLE GENERAL HOSPITAL/SUNDAY, APRIL 23” appearing.
SMITH:(offscreen) Dun dun!
And just as quickly, we see DYLAN looking into a hospital room, where JAX is laid out on the table. The opera music is revealed to be ambience playing from the hospital speakers.
DR. GREY:(offscreen, extremely passive-aggressive) I can see the headlines already!
Dylan turns to see DR. GREY is standing right next to her.
DR. GREY:(refusing to look at Dylan) “Journalists Assaulted On Chorus! Peace Talks: Abandoned!”
DYLAN:Dr. Grey, I was hoping to speak with you—!
DR. GREY:Off the record. I’m not an official representative of Chorus, Ms. Andrews.
DYLAN:You...know me?
DR. GREY:I recognize you from your bylines. You wrote a fantastic piece about the Stewart Insurrection!
DYLAN:That was almost...ten years ago.
DR. GREY:And now you’re here! Funny, the vultures usually show up after the slaughter.
DYLAN:I’m not here about the UNSC or whatever they’re planning with Chorus. I’m here about the Reds and Blues. You’ve...read about their attacks in the press?
DR. GREY finally looks at DYLAN.
DR. GREY:Of course! Those criminals have caused substantial damage to our planet!
She just as quickly looks away.
DYLAN:Well, what if I told you “those criminals” are not the Reds and Blues you know?
DR. GREY:(highly passive-aggressive) Oh, of course not, sweetheart! When I said “criminals,” I wasn’t referring to the Reds and the Blues! (she looks at Dylan) I was referring to you!
DYLAN:Beg pardon?
DR. GREY:You and the press! By continuing to insinuate that those criminals are somehow our insurgents—a baseless accusation that the UNSC was quick to overreact to. But I’m sure invasions make for a great newsday.
DYLAN:I don’t want an invasion! I can help Chorus by finding the real Reds and Blues! But Kimball won’t talk to me, I can’t get within a mile of her!
DR. GREY:The president refuses to be interviewed…
DYLAN:Yes!
DR. GREY:...so you shoot your cameraman.
Beat.
DYLAN:...what? (trying to save face) He was shot, but...
DR. GREY:The clotting present in the patient’s posterior places the time of attack approximately five minutes after your call to the police. That’s some very fast reporting, Ms. Andrews!
DYLAN:I—(relenting) look, I needed to talk to you. Please, help me get to Kimball.
DR. GREY:Oh! I assumed you assaulted your cameraman to stir up cheap headlines! But instead, you flatter me!
She walks up to DYLAN.
DR. GREY:You’re a little bit crazy, aren’t you? (seductively) I like that.
DYLAN:...so you’ll help?
DR. GREY:Nope. President Kimball is fighting to reopen peace talks with the UNSC. I will not burden her with this!
DYLAN:Well, who’s the UNSC’s diplomat?
DR. GREY:Oooh! Are you going to shoot them, too?
DYLAN:No more shooting: I have connections at the network.
DR. GREY:Hmm. Very well. The diplomat is Alfred Packard.
DYLAN:Thank you.
DR. GREY:Don’t thank me. Just keep me off the record!
DYLAN:Not for the tip. For fixing up my partner.
DR. GREY:HAH! If you really think he’ll still be your partner after this, then you really are crazy!
DYLAN:I am prepared to deal with the consequences.
DR. GREY:Consequences...don’t always take the shape we expect them to, do they? They’re funny like that.
The opera music starts swelling up again.
DR. GREY:Ooh! I love this song!
And with that, DR. GREY exits down the hallway as DYLAN watches. She then looks back at JAX.
Cut to DYLAN, back in her office on her ship, looking at her screens. A search query for "ALFRED PACKARD" has turned up no results, suggesting she was looking for "ALFRED PENNYWORTH."
DYLAN:(sighing) Okay.
DYLAN turns to her other screen and establishes a sliplink with JAMES ADLER, who has the nickname underneath "IDA Analyst/Hubby Boo."
JAMES:Ahoy ahoy, Interstellar Daily, James Adler speaking.
DYLAN:Hi James.
JAMES:Dylan! You're alive! Where are you, I've been worried sick! Are you okay? Is everything okay?
DYLAN:I'm...still on the story.
JAMES:Carlos is gonna be livid. He's talking about criminal charges—you need to get back here!
DYLAN:I need a favor, James. Between us—and no one else can know.
Pause.
JAMES:...that's why you're calling. No "hi honey, how are the cats?"
DYLAN:I'm sorry, it's urgent.
Beat.
JAMES:...are we still married?
DYLAN:Can we...please talk about that later?
JAMES:You left without a word, what am I supposed to think?
DYLAN:I don't...know. Everything is just a mess and I needed some time to think, and right now I really need that favor.
Beat.
JAMES:You're killing me.
Beat.
JAMES:What is it?
DYLAN:(sighing) Alfred Packard: the UNSC diplomat assigned to Chorus. I need his full file from the paper's database. I think I recognize his name from the Seremon leak last year, so throw that in, too?
JAMES:Got it, I'll...send you what I find.
DYLAN:I promise we'll talk when I get back.
JAMES:...yeah, sure.
He hangs up. DYLAN looks down at the floor, riddled with guilt.
We cut to KIMBALL in her office, looking out the window into the city. DYLAN walks towards her desk.
DYLAN:President Kimball, thank you for agreeing to speak with me. I have some questions.
KIMBALL:I'm sure you do. But you're going to have to answer mine first, Ms. Andrews. How did you convince Packard to reopen our peace talks?
DYLAN:Packard's corrupt. He's smart enough to pay off the right people but not smart enough to know you should never short-change a hooker. Especially given his...interests. I threatened an exposé, but he preferred to back off his hard line with you instead. It's temporary.
KIMBALL:Understood. But the respite has brought us hope nonetheless.
DYLAN:You're real hope is with the Reds and Blues. If they resurface and are proven innocent, then Chorus is saved.
KIMBALL:You didn't come here to advise me, Ms. Andrews. You want something.
DYLAN:...I want them.
KIMBALL:Well, as I've said, time and time again, I don't know where they are.
DYLAN:(sly) With all due respect, I don't buy that—
KIMBALL abruptly turns to glare at DYLAN.
KIMBALL:(annoyed) With all due respect, I don't care! You want the Reds and Blues, and I want to know why. So you're going to explain your intentions to me before this conversation continues. But believe me when I say I'll know if you're lying.
Beat.
DYLAN:...fine.
KIMBALL:What do you want with the Reds and Blues?
DYLAN:I want to talk to them.
KIMBALL:Why?
DYLAN:To get the facts.
KIMBALL:That's not good enough. Be specific.
DYLAN:...people are quick to jump to conclusions. They...see something, or hear something, and fit it into a preconceived emotional box. "The Reds and Blues are terrorists." It's up to people like me to find the very truth and expose the real facts. Because truth and fact are the currency of the galaxy. It's how wars are fought and invasions are justified and leaders are elected. I want facts. Facts are found at the source—with them. That's one reason.
She walks towards KIMBALL.
DYLAN:The other is that I don't think their story is really over and I need to see how it ends. If you won't help me I will find them anyway. Of that there is no question.
KIMBALL turns.
KIMBALL:Santa?
DYLAN:...come again?
SANTA materializes in the background.
SANTA:Dylan Andrews's intentions are as she says.
KIMBALL:Anything she's not saying I should know about?
SANTA:Hmm...nothing of note. Would you like to know what she's afraid of?
KIMBALL:(amused) Another time.
SANTA:It's currently me...
DYLAN:Alien A.I. construct...neat trick.
KIMBALL:And a very close friend. I think we may have found our messenger.
SANTA:So it would seem.
DYLAN:(surprised) What's going on? What messenger?
KIMBALL:We received something meant for the Reds and Blues. A message. We can't trace its origin and we can't safely deliver it to them with the UNSC hanging over our heads.
SANTA:Thus we require a herald.
DYLAN:So you do know where they are.
KIMBALL:The Reds and Blues saved us. We owe them everything. So when they told me that they were done, that they were finished with all of this, that they just wanted to be left alone, I did my best to repay our debt. Please don't make me regret what I'm about to tell you.
DYLAN:I won't.
An overhead shot of DYLAN and JAX at a spacedock in the city.
DYLAN:You'll be able to...hitch a ride home from here. Uh, when you get back, just, tell Carlos what happened. You'll be compensated.
JAX:So that's it? You're firing me? I can't come along?
DYLAN:How can you say that? I...shot you...
JAX:I know: I can't wait to tell my friends!—once i make friends—So cool!
DYLAN:So you're...not upset.
JAX:Oh hell no! That was some Kubrick-level dedication on your part! Mad respect.
DYLAN:If you're serious, you have to know: we're rogue. No budget, no backing, no intern credit, no turning back.
JAX:I'm in!
DYLAN:(impressed) You got grit, Jax. I'll give you that.
JAX:Yeah! That, and as soon as I get back my student loans kick in.
As DR. GREY, KIMBALL, SMITH, BITTERS, JENSEN, and PALOMO watch on, DYLAN and JAX take off from Chorus in their ship.
DR. GREY:Hmm. I guess he is as crazy as her after all.
KIMBALL:Then they'll be in very good company.
THE SHIP FLIES AWAY FROM CHORUS AND ENTERS SLIPSPACE, FINALLY COMING OUT OVER AN OCEAN WITH SEVERAL ROCK ISLANDS IN A SHOT THAT VERY CLOSELY RESEMBLES THE ENDING OF STAR WARS:The Force Awakens, right down to the music.
They land at one of the islands. While JAX waits with the ship, DYLAN walks up a long trail through the island, which appears to be an old temple. Finally, Dylan comes out to an opening, and sees CABOOSE standing on a cliff ledge looking out over the ocean, like Luke Skywalker.
The Force Awakens game is strong with this one. Like Rey, DYLAN slowly raises her microphone out towards CABOOSE.
CABOOSE slowly turns around as the music swells, and then suddenly stops.
CABOOSE:(startled) Whoa! Who are you? Th—
He stumbles backwards and promptly falls off the ledge screaming. There is a splat.
DYLAN stands there, motionless.
DYLAN:...fuck.
The openings chords of Blood Gulch Blues play, ending the episode.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 5: Previously On

WE OPEN UP ON SEVERAL OVERHEAD SHOTS OF A LARGE VALLEY. THERE ARE SIGNS OF CIVILIZATION:the foundations of buildings, a beach umbrella, and, notably, a makeshift base at the center.
DYLAN and JAX are walking towards the base.
DYLAN:Hello? Somebody! Anybody!
SARGE:(offscreen) Move it! Move it!
DYLAN:Hey, slow down! I need to get—
SARGE comes zooming by in a Warthog.
SARGE:No can do! I'm late for battle!
DYLAN and JAX turn and stare off in his direction, startled.
DYLAN:Was that...Sarge?
SIMMONS comes zipping by really fast.
SIMMONS:(unintelligible Esperanto)
DYLAN:And Simmons?
TUCKER appears at the top of the base.
TUCKER:Yo, Grif! What about the Blue Goo Dolls?
GRIF runs into the shot right next to DYLAN.
GRIF:No! Red Zeppelin!
TUCKER:The Blue Fighters!
GRIF:Uh, the Grateful Red!
TUCKER:Oh god, no! Screw you!
TUCKER disappears behind the base.
DYLAN:(disbelief) You're Grif! Grif, can you help us?
GRIF:(laughing, then blunt) Who the hell are you?
DYLAN:Dylan Andrews, Interstellar—
GRIF:Whoa, hold up—I just realized how much I don't care.
DYLAN:Th—Captain Caboose, he fell off a cliff. I think he's dead.
GRIF:Whoa, you killed Caboose? Good job! Can you kill Sarge next—ooh, wait, no! Donut, THEN Sarge!
SIMMONS comes running by again.
SIMMONS:I sentas hiper kai plenta de enegeria!
DONUT:(offscreen, voice unfiltered) Anyone seen my tanning oil?
GRIF:Jesus Donut, we have guests! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!
TUCKER appears again.
TUCKER:Oh, Blue-Tang Clan!
GRIF:The Red Kennedys!
There is a loud whistling sound, as though something is falling from a great height.
SARGE:(falling with it) SUCK IT NEWTON!
The Warthog falls from the sky and hits the ground in a giant explosion.
JAX:Oh ho ho, pyrotechnics!
SARGE:Damn! Foiled again!
DYLAN:LISTEN, EVERYONE! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE ALL DOING, BUT YOU NEED TO KNOW YOUR MAN CABOOSE IS TERRIBLY INJURED, AND POSSIBLY DEAD!
CABOOSE:(offscreen) Oh no! Not Caboose!
CABOOSE, alive and well, appears next to DYLAN and JAX, startling them.
CABOOSE:We need to go rescue him!
DYLAN:(bewildered) Y—you're okay?
CABOOSE:Oh, pft, yeah. Y'know, I fell down and stuff, but y'know I landed on my head and that's okay because that's the part that's most used to it, so yeah I'm fine, things are good now, yeah I'm gonna go lay down.
CABOOSE runs off. We hear rifles being loaded.
WASHINGTON:(offscreen) Now would be a great time to start explaining yourself, ma'am.
WASHINGTON and CAROLINA are aiming their rifles at DYLAN and JAX.
CAROLINA:You can start with who you are and what you're doing here.
DYLAN:Washington and Carolina? You're alive!
WASHINGTON:Don't sound so surprised. I believe Carolina asked some questions, ma'am.
DYLAN:Of course. Dylan Andrews, Interstellar Daily. I'm doing a story about the attacks perpetrated by the Reds and Blues since Chorus—
TUCKER walks up.
TUCKER:Attacks?
DYLAN:—and the disappearances of the ex-Freelancer agents, as well.
CAROLINA:Which Freelancers are missing?
DYLAN:All of them. Look, I've been searching for you for a very long time!
CAROLINA:Well, congratulations Ms. Andrews...
A SHOT OF THE SURVIVING BLOOD GULCH CREW IN FORMATION, FROM LEFT TO RIGHT:CABOOSE, TUCKER, WASHINGTON, CAROLINA, SARGE, GRIF, and SIMMONS.
CAROLINA:...you found us.
We move to inside the base, with everyone gathered around a table, looking at DYLAN and JAX.
WASHINGTON:Why don't we start with these attacks?
DYLAN:No. We came halfway across the galaxy, sacrificed our careers, and risked both life and limb for answers. So we start with my questions, or we walk.
WASHINGTON and CAROLINA look at each other.
WASHINGTON:...what exactly do you wanna know?
DYLAN:Simple: what have you all been doing since Chorus?
GRIF:(groaning) Lots of bullshit, I don't even know where to start.
TUCKER:Before or after the temple? If it's before, this is gonna get NSFW real quick.
DYLAN:"Temple"?
TUCKER:Ho yeah! After we captured Hargrove, we partied fucking hard! See, Chorus has this ancient relic called the Temple of Procreation that when activated makes—
SIMMONS AND GRIF:WE SAID WE WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT THAT!
They quickly look at each other and quickly look away, embarrassed.
SARGE:It was all like a planet-wide aphrodisiac! Things got real Bohemian! (knowingly) Mm-hmm!
TUCKER:Yeah, y'all keep saying that! But everything felt normal to me!
WASHINGTON:Surprising no one.
GRIF is still looking away from SIMMONS.
SIMMONS:Can we—can we change the subject?
CABOOSE:(to Dylan) Oh, they're just upset because they got locked in a storage closet during the whole thing.
GRIF:THE SUBJECT. CHANGE IT.
WASHINGTON:To actually answer your question, after the war on Chorus we decided we were due some time off.
TUCKER:We've earned some R&R. Even Carolina agreed!
CAROLINA:I thought I'd give the simple life a day in court...
GRIF:No more adventures? Hell yeah I was on board!
SIMMONS:Kimball set us up on this isolated moon, and she built us some of the most awesome new bases ever!
Shot of the new Reds and Blues bases, which look like luxury condos.
TUCKER:Everyone adjusted to the peace and quiet different. Some of us were naturals.
GRIF:Don't hate the player.
SIMMONS:Sarge got hopelessly depressed after not dying heroically on Chorus!
SARGE:Hogwash! Baseless slander!
SIMMONS:But you said—
Cut to the Red Team, including LOPEZ, outside their new base. SARGE walks up.
SARGE:I am hopelessly depressed after not dying heroically on Chorus! We need a new enemy!
Hearing this, the Red Team quickly scatter.
SARGE:Something to fight...where are y'all going?
Back in the base, TUCKER looks at CAROLINA.
TUCKER:Sarge wasn't the only one having a hard time adjusting to inaction.
Everyone looks at CAROLINA.
CAROLINA:What?!
WASHINGTON:Fortunately, we found a tutor.
Cut to CAROLINA and GRIF in a small ravine, GRIF sitting cross-legged on the ground and CAROLINA standing up, looking to him as though he were a wise master. Or Yoda, maybe.
CAROLINA:(dead serious) Help me, Grif. Help me be the best at being lazy.
GRIF:(wise and mysterious) You're not ready, padawan.
CAROLINA:I can try!
GRIF:No. There is no try.
TUCKER:(narrator) The peaceful times didn't last too long. Turns out this planet has some native lifeforms!
Loud thumping as SIMMONS, TUCKER, and GRIF run across the scene. We hear the sound of a dinosaur roaring.
SIMMONS:AAAAHHH, RUUUUN!
GRIF:I CAN'T DIE AS FOOD! OH, THE IRONY!
CAROLINA:(narrator) While everyone debated if dying as food was technically ironic, Caboose went and made friends with the dinosaurs.
GRIF:(narrator) Because of course he did.
CAROLINA, TUCKER, GRIF, and SARGE are staring up in awe at the camera, while we see the shadow of a dinosaur with a Caboose-sized figure on its head.
CABOOSE:Aw, who's a good boy? Aw, you are, good boy!
TUCKER:Caboose, get down!
SARGE:Tell him to fight me!
GRIF:(narrator) AND THEN DONUT SOMEHOW MANAGED TO BURN DOWN OUR BASES!
Donut standing in the foreground, while the bases burn in the background.
DONUT:Whoopsy-daisy!
GRIF:(narrator) Oh-ho, why, oh-why-oh-why?!
DONUT:(offscreen, still unfiltered) I told you! It was a simple mishap with my vanilla-satin scented candles! Sheesh!
TUCKER:DONUT! CLOTHES!
DONUT:Party pooper!
JAX:Why is he naked?
DYLAN:THAT'S your first question?
SIMMONS:We lost eighty-percent of our rations in the fire, so fat-ass (looks at Grif) over here started going around and eating native plants!
GRIF approaches some wild mushrooms that glow a mysterious blue color.
GRIF:Oh, hey there, sexy.
SIMMONS:(narrator) Oh, and as it turns out? The mushrooms are basically crystal meth on crystal meth!
Cut to GRIF running by, in order, Sarge fighting a tree, Carolina fixing a Warthog, and Simmons going for a walk.
GRIF:(super fast) Heyhohowyadoin'goodokay I'mgonnagoforarun alotofpeoplesayI'mnotfast butI'msuperfast don'ttellanyybodythoughit'soursecret okaybye!
Back to the base.
GRIF:Yeah? Well at least I didn't spend my summer learning Esperanto!
SIMMONS:(ashamed) I thought "Esperanto" was Spanish for "Spanish."
TUCKER:And now you're the only one in the universe who speaks a dead language! How appropriate!
SIMMONS:(sighing) Ay estas tu el soul.(I'm so alone.)
CABOOSE:And Freckles got a new body! He can use any bathroom he wants now!
FRECKLES walks threateningly into the scene. We then cut to a wide shot to reveal he's hopelessly small, with CABOOSE and TUCKER looking at him.
FRECKLES:(like a chipmunk) Prepare to be exterminated!
He shoots CABOOSE. CABOOSE dramatically falls.
CABOOSE:GAGH! Tucker, you're supposed to be playing dead.
TUCKER:(leaving) Right...
Back to the base.
TUCKER:That's right around when we tried to raise some money for new bases by selling off our movie rights!
GRIF:Hollywood really screwed the pooch on that one.
SIMMONS:Oh, we were rich!
GRIF:And then we realized water parks were way more awesome than bases!
CAROLINA:So we built the galaxy's greatest...water park.
Cut to the water park. TUCKER, CABOOSE, SIMMONS, SARGE, GRIF, DONUT, and WASHINGTON all jump in the air with joy. CAROLINA refrains.
THEM:Yay!
CAROLINA:(with disinterest) Yay.
GRIF:AND THEN DONUT—
Mirroring the shot from before, DONUT is in the foreground as the water park burns in the background.
DONUT:Whoopsy-daisy!
GRIF:I MEAN HOW DO YOU BURN DOWN A WATER PARK, DONUT?!
DONUT walks in, now wearing his armor.
DONUT:1) Lube isn't normally flammable! And B) I didn't burn down the whole water park! Just the park part!
CABOOSE:And then we formed the best band ever!
WASHINGTON:Tucker thought it might attract...chicks.
TUCKER:Which worked.
Cut to GRIF and TUCKER arguing over the name, with CABOOSE watching.
GRIF:The Talking Reds!
TUCKER:Mötley Blüe!
GRIF:How about redmau5?
CAROLINA:Hey, I heard you boys are looking for a singer.
TUCKER:Uh, yeah! Chick singers are awesome!
GRIF:Can you sing, though?
CAROLINA:(confident) Can I sing?
Cut to the base.
TUCKER:(unconvincingly) Carolina sings. So good.
CAROLINA:Thank you.
SIMMONS:Oh, and we're definitely not just saying that because she could kill us.
GRIF:(strained) So. Good.
SIMMONS:Sarge decided to make his own enemy, so he built an evil robot army to invade our valley!
TUCKER:But the robots malfunctioned and attacked the dinosaurs!
Cut to the Reds and Blues watching an enormous battle happening offscreen. We get explosions and roars and some flashes of red light, plus a black plume of smoke coming in from off-camera.
WASHINGTON:I have seen some amazing things in my life, but this...this takes the cake.
Back to the base.
CAROLINA:(snickering) And then Grif convinced Simmons Game of Thrones really happened.
GRIF and SIMMONS are standing on top of the base, mirroring their positions in the first episode.
SIMMONS:Nuh-uh.
GRIF:Uh-huh.
SIMMONS:Oh, shut up!
GRIF:Seriously, dude!
SIMMONS:Nah, nah, no way!
GRIF:Yeah, way.
SIMMONS:Dude.
GRIF:Dude.
SIMMONS:Dude!
GRIF:Dude.
SIMMONS:Dude!
GRIF:Yeah, dude.
SIMMONS:That's awesome! Man, I'm gonna go visit!
SIMMONS:(narrator) Sarge found a new enemy! One that would keep him busy for the rest of our time here.
The Reds are gathered outside the new base, watching as SARGE walks on camera again.
SARGE:For far too long our people have been oppressed, crushed, under the weight of our selves! If we don't start standing up to our mortal foe gravity, by god who will?
WASHINGTON and CAROLINA are watching nearby.
CAROLINA:Are we really going to let this play out?
WASHINGTON:Why not see where it goes?
LOPEZ is in the Warthog, SARGE nearby.
SARGE:Buckle up, friendo! It's time we take this fight to the enemy!
LOPEZ:Por favor no. (Please no.)
The Warthog goes flying off a cliff.
SARGE:Chaaaarge!
Quick cut to the base.
SIMMONS:But that just meant Blue Team had one more jeep than Red Team.
BACK TO OUTSIDE THE BASE:DONUT, GRIF, and SIMMONS are standing there, while the Warthog is on fire in the background.
SARGE:Gentlemen, we simply cannot let Blue Team have tactical superiority over the canyon! This means war! Red. VS. BLUE!
LOPEZ:(offscreen) Mierda... (Shit...)
Back to the base.
TUCKER:That helped us realize just how outdated this whole Red Team-Blue Team thing really is.
SIMMONS:So we had a meeting to debate a new form of government.
The REDS and BLUES are facing each other outside their base, CAROLINA having joined the Blues this time.
GRIF:I vote anarchy.
SIMMONS:You can't vote anarchy, you dumbass!
TUCKER:Monarchy! Whoever holds the magical sword, (draws his sword) Excalibur!
CABOOSE:Party Paryarchy!
SARGE:Military Dictatorship!
CAROLINA:Matriarchy.
CABOOSE:Oh! How about malarkey?
SIMMONS:Caboose, that's not a type of government! It just means meaningless talk and nonsense!
Long silence.
WASHINGTON:(back at the base) Malarkey won.
CABOOSE:Ah, you haven't mentioned the dark place!
TUCKER:Oh yeah! Somehow Caboose got stuck in another dimension!
CABOOSE is somehow in the Upside-Down from Netflix's Stranger Things.
CABOOSE:Hello? Anyone there? THIS IS AWESOME!
The Reds and Blues are staring at the alphabet Christmas lights from Stranger Things.
WASHINGTON:"Neat." He just...keeps saying, "Neat."
Back to the base.
TUCKER:Oh, and we found Donut dead!
GRIF finds DONUT'S supposedly dead body lying next to a body of water.
GRIF:Sweet.
SIMMONS, TUCKER, and GRIF are staring at a shallow grave.
GRIF:(voiceover) We decided to bury him in a shallow, unmarked grave.
They look up, hearing DONUT offscreen.
DONUT:(offscreen, unfiltered) Aw, fiddlesticks! I can't find my suit!
GRIF:(narrator) Turns out he was just...skinny-dipping.
DONUT:(offscreen, unfiltered, cont'd) Guess I'm going au natural! Nice and breezy!
In the exact same shot from when they were running from the dinosaur, SIMMONS, TUCKER, and GRIF run from DONUT.
SIMMONS:AAAAAHHHH, RUN!
GRIF:AH, THE IRONY!
Back to the base.
CAROLINA:But that wasn't even the weirdest thing that happened! Wash. Grew. A beard...
Cut to WASHINGTON standing outside. Of course, we can't see the beard because his helmet is on.
WASHINGTON:It's kind of...itchy.
TUCKER:And then this morning Grif spiked Simmons's couscous with his meth-meth shrooms!
GRIF:You know, for the lulz.
Cut to the shot from the opening, with GRIF talking to DYLAN as SIMMONS runs by.
SIMMONS:I sentas hiper kai plenta de enegeria!
DONUT:(offscreen, voice unfiltered) Anyone seen my tanning oil?
GRIF:Jesus Donut, we have guests! Put some clothes on, for pete's sake!
TUCKER appears again.
TUCKER:Oh ho, Blue-Tang Clan!
GRIF:The Red Kennedys!
There is a loud whistling sound, as though something is falling from a great height.
SARGE:(falling with it) SUCK IT NEWTON!
We quickly cut back to GRIF before SARGE hits the ground.
GRIF:It's been awful! Instead of a peaceful retirement, it's been the same damn shit with the same damn idiots!
DYLAN turns to JAX.
DYLAN:You got all that, right?
Cut to JAX'S perspective.
JAX:Yeah, definitely.
A red dot appears onscreen as he starts recording. Apparently, he didn't get all that.
DYLAN:Well, it certainly sounds like you've been busy. Still my records, of your actions on Chorus end when you enter the Staff of Charon. I would love to know what happened next.
CAROLINA:(sad) That's...a sensitive question. We lost a friend that day.
"Contact" by Trocadero starts playing.
CABOOSE:(sad) I miss Church.
DYLAN:You mean the Epsilon A.I.
TUCKER:(annoyed) No, he means Church.
WASHINGTON:He gave everything to save us. Wasn't the first time, either.
TUCKER:It was so awesome for a while, there! He powered up my suit and I was like Neo in the goddamn Matrix! I was juggling these two guns and the sword! And dodging bullets! It was fucking amazing! And then it was all over.
The music stops.
TUCKER:And...he was gone. The suit was useless. Empty. But...you know, we won.
DYLAN:I'm sorry.
WASHINGTON:So...that's our story. What's yours?
DYLAN:Like I said outside. While you've been here a group of people that look a lot like you have been going around stealing, hijacking, and robbing the UNSC. While looking into that I discovered every former Freelancer has vanished.
WASHINGTON:That's alarming.
CAROLINA:That's an understatement.
DYLAN:And to top it off, most people think those impostors are working for Chorus! The UNSC is about ready to invade as a result!
GRIF:(annoyed) Is that why Kimball sent you? So that we can deal with them?
SIMMONS:Yeah, she should know we're retired!
DYLAN:She actually sent me to deliver a message. She was pretty vague about it.
WASHINGTON:Who's it from?
DYLAN places a small portable holo-projector on the table and slides it to the center.
DYLAN:She didn't say.
The projector turns on. In it we see the ghostly image of a familiar blue soldier in cobalt armor. His image is heavily damaged, and his voice is highly distorted.
CHURCH:This is Church from...(static)...Alpha...(static)...if you're getting this, it's an emergency...(pants)...send help! Please! Send help!
The message quickly cuts off. Everyone stares at it in shock.
GRIF:God-fucking-dammit.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 6: Reacts

Picking up a few moments after the end of the previous episode, TUCKER and CABOOSE are running out of the base, with WASHINGTON and CAROLINA trailing behind.
TUCKER:Come on, what are y'all waiting for? We're wasting time!
WASHINGTON:Take it easy, Tucker, we have to think about this!
TUCKER:What is there to think about?
CABOOSE:Yes, Church needs help!
WASHINGTON:How is this even possible?! There was...nothing left of Epsilon after that last battle.
TUCKER:You don't have to tell me that! I have a pretty fucking vivid memory of the whole thing! Which is entirely why the hell we need to get on this now! We owe him one! Several! A million!
CAROLINA:He said "Alpha"...could it be the original Church A.I.?
TUCKER:Who fucking cares, it's Church! Our friend! Or my friend at least!
CAROLINA:HEY! Church means a lot to me too! More than I think you realize. I'm not happy about the situation either, but we have to be realistic. Any successful operation begins with intelligence.
TUCKER:We've never needed intelligence before!
WASHINGTON:It's a huge galaxy, and we don't have a way to trace that message.
TUCKER:Well standing around and talking ain't gonna accomplish shit! That's all we ever do and we never get anything done!
CAROLINA:The other factor is that we have leads on the Freelancers' side of this. Washington and I have some old friends we can check up on.
TUCKER:So you want to go on a fucking Freelancer adventure while Church is in trouble. GIVE ME A BREAK!
WASHINGTON:Going after Church means tracing that signal, which is not something we can do on our own. For that, we're gonna need some help.
DYLAN and JAX are watching from a nearby hill.
DYLAN:Quick, tell me another idea.
JAX:It's about a Russian cosmonaut in the '60s who crash lands near a Renaissance festival, and he gets out of his capsule and sees all these knights and princesses and then thinks he's gone back in time! It's called Cosmonight!
DYLAN:Mmm...
JAX:Whoa, why the sudden interest? I thought you hated my ideas!
DYLAN:I do. I do hate them. But we need to look like we're talking for a few seconds. The Reds and Blues need to trace that message and we need them to allow us to go with them. I'd rather negotiate that deal on our terms. So, let them come to us.
JAX:Smart. How about another one?
DYLAN:No. No more. That last one is still lodged in my brain like a stupidity bullet. Why don't you go ahead and check on the Red Team? I'm curious about their take on all this.
JAX:(sighing) Okay...
He leaves.
We see GRIF walking into a cave. As he talks, JAX walks by and notices him.
GRIF:(muttering) Stupid freakin' dead Church. Every time. Nobody stays dead. Why doesn't anybody die and stay dead?
JAX:Oh, cool! Foreshadowing.
He runs off.
SARGE IS RALLYING HIS TROOPS:DONUT, SIMMONS, and LOPEZ.
SARGE:Atten-hut! Men! Robots! Donut. Our long and terrible nightmare of peace has finally come to an end! To the East, storm clouds gather. To the West, the dogs of war are a-howling! AROOO—everybody, come on! AROOO!
SIMMONS:(reluctantly) Aroo...
DONUT:(concurrently) Awooga!
LOPEZ:Arriba.
SARGE:Come on, just do it like a dog. Howl.
THE REDS:(reluctant and bored howling)
DONUT:(literally barking)
JAX appears in the foreground, watching.
SARGE:Draw it out more. Not barking. Put your kibbels in bits in it! Donut, quit wagging your tail!
THE REDS:Awoooo!
SARGE:Our enemy is nigh! We must stand and fight! Our lives and our very livelihoods are at stake! We must fight back against these Whites!
SIMMONS:Whoa-ho-ho!
SARGE:I knew the day might come when the White Team once again reins its plaintive face at our war-friendly valley! They've done it before. The Meta. Agent Wyoming. And now the Whites are back to take it all!
SIMMONS:Umm, Sarge, you're bordering on really offensive territory...
SARGE:Borders?! Ha! Whites don't care about borders! They go where they want! Take what they want! And leave nothing in their wake but indie rock and smoothie shops! Blagh!
DONUT:But Sarge, I'm reddish-white!
SARGE:That's why you're our ace-in-the-hole, Donut! You are the only one who can walk between worlds! You'll be our White spy!
LOPEZ:Tumblr va a odiar esto. 
CAPTION:Tumblr is going to hate this.
SARGE:You must act white, Donut! Ski. Take up golf! Spend way too much time trimming your lawn!
DONUT:I'm one step ahead of you already!
SARGE:Don't forget to pop your collar!
SIMMONS:Sarge, I'm not sure. As you're second-in-command I have to question the long-term strategy of this particular course of action.
The camera zooms in on SARGE. As he speaks, the music that has been playing starts to go severely out of tune.
SARGE:Simmons! I know this sounds crazy. But either I'm right, or I'm just an old man who's lost his marbles because he can't adjust to life outside the military chain of command, and continues to have increasingly absurd things to declare war on as a subconscious way of avoiding the sad truth that he no longer really knows who he is!
Beat.
SARGE:Anyway, where was I? Right! The race war!
LOPEZ:No es una guerra racial. 
CAPTION:It's not a race war.
SARGE:That's a good point, Lopez. Where is Grif?
SIMMONS:Yeah, I haven't seen him since the meeting.
SARGE:I know what's happening! He's been captured by the Whites! This means war!
Cut to the Blues talking to DYLAN.
WASHINGTON:So, in exchange for helping us you want what exactly?
DYLAN:Not much. Interviews, access, and the exclusive.
TUCKER:I don't buy it. How are you going to trace the message?
DYLAN:I won't be. I have an A.I. assistant. He hasn't let me down yet.
CAROLINA:A.I.? Where the hell did you get it?
DYLAN:Those details aren't a part of the deal. It's a trusted source.
WASHINGTON:We need to know if we can trust you. Smart A.I. or dumb A.I.?
DYLAN:He's dumb. Very dumb.
WASHINGTON:I still don't like the idea of civilians tagging along.
DYLAN:I reported from the frontlines on the Great War. I can handle myself.
CAROLINA:And your cameraman?
DYLAN:He's—
JAX walks up. A vaguely Vangelis-like track starts playing.
JAX:(like tears in rain) I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. (himself) Blade Runner!
CAROLINA:...and I thought we'd already reached peak moron.
SARGE and SIMMONS run up.
SARGE:Don't make deals with the Whites! Their blankets are covered in smallpox!
CAROLINA:...I stand corrected.
DONUT (somehow) comes skiing in with a tray of frappes, having put on a tie and hipster glasses (over his armor of course). CABOOSE and TUCKER stare at him, confused.
DONUT:Who wants a poisoned pumpkin frappuccino?
CAROLINA:(muttering) I'm just gonna shut up now.
SARGE:Back off, missy! (aims gun at Dylan) We know you have Grif! Give him back or I start shootin'!
DYLAN:(puzzled) I—we—haven't seen him.
WASHINGTON:They've been with us the whole time, Sarge. She hasn't touched Grif.
CAROLINA:We're all on the same team now! Got it?
SARGE:Red, White, and Blue working together? How absolutely un-American!
TUCKER:(sighs) Great. Now we've gotta find Grif. We don't have time for this!
WASHINGTON:I agree. Let's pack up and prepare to move out. I'm sure he'll turn up.
SIMMONS:I'll check the pantry.
The Reds and Blues start walking toward the base. DYLAN and JAX stay behind.
JAX:Uh, Ms. Andrews?
Cut to DYLAN and JAX standing outside the cave.
DYLAN:You saw him go in?
JAX:Uh-huh! Just like Gollum. He was all muttery and crawly...
DYLAN:You stay here. I'll see if I can talk the cat out of the tree.
JAX:You don't want me to film?
DYLAN:I doubt he'll talk to me, but I know he won't talk to us. You stay.
DYLAN walks into the cave.
DYLAN:Grif?...Grif?
She finds GRIF, crouched in a corner.
GRIF:Go away.
DYLAN:I just wanna talk.
GRIF:Well I don't want to talk to you! Or anyone! (stands up) So make like a tree and fuck off!
DYLAN:(cautiously) I...see you're upset. Can we talk about why?
GRIF:You, that's why! You show up here, you drop a bomb on us, and then everyone goes springing into action! We are supposed to be done! I don't wanna go on another adventure! I don't wanna listen to Sarge! I don't wanna get shot at! I don't want to shoot at other people! I want to chill! I want to sit and chill!
DYLAN:And leave Church to his fate?
GRIF:FUCK CHURCH! I spent half my life dealing with his shit! His ex-girlfriends! His daddy issues! His resurrections! Why can't he just stay dead?
Silence.
DYLAN:...I've spent a lot of time looking at logs. Reading transcripts. Talking to eyewitnesses. They all say the same thing about Grif. He's the lazy one, the one who doesn't care.
GRIF:Nailed it.
Music starts playing.
DYLAN:Your actions tell a different story. A story of someone who always answers the call. Who always helps his friends and fights for the greater good. I mean, I saw you give Sarge CPR in the Blood Gulch logs! You saved his life! I think your sister is right about you. You care about your friends.
Beat. Has she gotten through to him?
Then the music stops.
GRIF:YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT ME, LADY! I HATE SIMMONS! I HATE SARGE! I HATE EVERYBODY! PRINT THAT IN YOUR FUCKING PAPER!
Apparently not. He leaves DYLAN behind.
The Reds and Blues are gathered outside their Pelican, docked near a lake, with DYLAN and JAX's ship nearby. WASHINGTON and TUCKER are talking to each other.
WASHINGTON:Are you sure you're ready to lead a team again?
TUCKER:Dude, look who you're talking to. This is not my first rodeo.
WASHINGTON:You've come a long way, but don't get too big a head now.
TUCKER:(sarcastic) Yeah, you're right. I just led a bunch of soldiers into battle, saved a planet, and whooped wholesale ass against trained mercenaries and space pirates. NBD.
WASHINGTON:(amused) Smartass.
TUCKER:Buzzkill.
WASHINGTON:Be careful out there.
TUCKER:Yeah, yeah, okay Dad.
They turn to address the group.
WASHINGTON:We're splitting up! Attacking this situation from both flanks. Carolina and I will be dropping in on a few fellow Freelancer alumni to see what we can learn. The rest of you with the help of the press will locate the source of Church's message. Enough words. Wheels up in 10. And remember—Oh...!
GRIF is approaching.
WASHINGTON:...look who's finally graced us with his presence!
SARGE:Where have you been, soldier?!
GRIF:...thinking.
TUCKER:(scoffing) Yeah, right!
SIMMONS:Thinking about food.
GRIF:No, actually I was thinking that...I quit.
SIMMONS:...quit what?
GRIF:You. All of you. I quit. I'm not going. I'm staying here.
TUCKER:What?! You can't quit! That's not allowed!
GRIF:I can do whatever I want! I'm not in the military anymore—I should've quit years ago!
CABOOSE:What about Church?
GRIF:Let it go, Caboose. All of you. He's been resurrected more times than Jean Grey. It's getting old.
TUCKER:Seriously, dude?! You've always been selfish, but this is bullshit!
Beat.
GRIF:I don't like you.
The music briefly stops. Everyone stares at him.
GRIF:Any of you. But we've all known each other long enough that you should hear it from me first. I'm done.
He walks off.
CABOOSE:(stammering) But he can't—he can't do that! Someone do something!
SARGE runs forward.
SARGE:GRIF! Desertion is punishable by death!...So keep going! (growing more forlorn) Desertion means leaving the military, not eating desert!...seriously, Grif, turn around.
GRIF keeps walking. As most of the group leaves, SIMMONS stares after him.
JAX:You know, I liked them better when they were funny.
DYLAN:Yeah.
The ships start to leave.
DYLAN (VOICEOVER):I hope we didn't fuck something up.
GRIF watches from the shoreline as the two ships depart.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 7: Nightmare on Planet Evil

TUCKER is in the foreground, addressing the camera. He appears to be in a severely overgrown area.
TUCKER:They say a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. Grif wants to quit? Good riddance! I'm sick of carrying his fat ass anyway. Honestly, we could probably lose a few others while we're at it. Donut for starts. Simmons, Sarge, Lopez. Red Team. We're just being honest, right? I'm the team leader, I'm the one who matters!
SIMMONS, out-of-focus, emerges in the background.
SIMMONS:We found it!
TUCKER:SIMMONS! DON'T INTERRUPT.
The camera zooms in on SIMMONS, bringing him into focus.
SIMMONS:I wasn't talking to you, Tucker! We found it, Miss Dylan: another relay!
DYLAN and JAX are revealed to be interviewing TUCKER.
DYLAN:On our way!
TUCKER:Are you sure you got all that? I could do it again! I'm always down for another round bow-chicka-bow-wow!
DYLAN:(quickly) Nope, we got it. Enough takes. Thanks.
We cut to them inspecting the relay as LOPEZ, DONUT, and SARGE stand guard.
DYLAN:Yeah, this is it.
TUCKER:It's just like the others?
DYLAN:More or less...I understand what it does, but not how it does it. This and the other relay beacons obviously have been bouncing Church's signal around until it was picked up by Chorus. But these components—I can't even tell what this is.
TUCKER:(without skipping a beat) It's a Bop-It.
DYLAN:A what?
TUCKER:A Bop-It. Some dumb kids' toy. Caboose has one.
CABOOSE:Uh, had one. Yup, he was my friend, but I bopped him against a rock and now he's sleeping...in tiny pieces.
DYLAN:Someone is building experimental technology out of kids' toys?
SIMMONS:Can you still do your trace thing with your AI?
DYLAN:Yeah. Same as before. It'll take some time but I should be able to retrace the signal back a step.
SIMMONS:And in the meantime?
TUCKER:We can take a look around for other clues.
JAX:OR...this place is pretty spooky. I think it would make a GREAT location for a horror movie! I got this one idea about a really fat zombie called Dead Weight...
SIMMONS:(laughing) Grif, you are perf—
He turns and remembers that GRIF is not with them.
SIMMONS:...oh. Right.
SARGE is staring off into the distance.
SARGE:Quiet. (ominously) There's something out there.
CABOOSE:Is it Church?
SARGE:No. Something in the shadows...something...evil...
TUCKER:Don't scare Caboose, Sarge! Everybody! Church may have left some clues behind, so while we wait for Dylan's AI to trace the signal, we're gonna take a look around.
SIMMONS:About that. I've been crunching some numbers and by my estimation, it's gonna take approximately seventeen days to search this entire urban area.
TUCKER:So we split up and cover more ground.
JAX:Hey-ey! You already know your lines! (turns to Sarge) Now you say—
SARGE:(right on cue) DOOM! YOU'RE ALL DOOOOMED! This city...is haaauunteeed!
CABOOSE:What?!
TUCKER:Don't even listen to him, Caboose, he's just paranoid from not sleeping!
SARGE:Ungrateful!
SIMMONS:(to Dylan) Sarge has been freaking out about you and Jax killing us in our sleep, so he's been staying up for days and days on watch! I think he's starting to lose it! What is this, Tucker? Day...
TUCKER:It's Day 5!
SARGE:Sleep. Means. Death!
JAX:Eh, weak premise.
TUCKER:Let's keep it together, guys! We split up, we look for clues, that's the plan!
CABOOSE:(stammering) Alright what if—what if we—what if we just stick together? Or, wait in the ship, isn't that way better?
SIMMONS:Yeah...I think I'm with Caboose, this place has bad juju.
TUCKER:What're you worried about, Simmons? The virgin always lives in horror movies!
And then, a whisper. JAX notices it.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE:Lavernius Tucker...
TUCKER:Knock it off, assholes! You're not scaring me.
An ominous shot of a skull. SIMMONS walks by it.
SIMMONS:Man, this sucks.
DONUT walks through a flooded and overgrown underpass.
DONUT:Yoo-hoo! Hello? Anybody there?
SARGE cautiously walks down a dark hallway, shotgun ready, grumbling incoherently. Suddenly, something startles him.
SARGE:FREEZE!
He aims his gun at what appears to be his own reflection.
SARGE:(amused) Ah! Heh-heh...as you were, good-looking! Heh heh!
He leaves. BUT HIS REFLECTION DOESN'T. IT TURNS AND STARES AT THE VIEWER.
SIMMONS walks down another abandoned hallway.
WHISPER:Simmons...
SIMMONS:Hello...?
WHISPER:(louder) Simmons...
SIMMONS:Who's there...?
WHISPER:Simmons...
SIMMONS:Who's there?!
WHISPER:Simmons...Caboose: ...it's me!
CABOOSE is right behind SIMMONS, who jumps.
SIMMONS:AH! Oh god, Caboose! You scared the crap out of me!
CABOOSE:SORRY! I TRIED TO WHISPER TO YOU BUT YOU DIDN'T TURN AROUND SO I HAVE TO TALK LIKE THIS ALSO NOW!
SIMMONS:Okay, calm down, calm down Caboose! What are you doing here?
CABOOSE:OH! Well, I know Tucker said we should split up, but I was thinking maybe we split up together, you know, because it's scary!
SIMMONS:Yeah...okay!
SIMMONS and CABOOSE walk into a naturally-lit area, passing by what appears to be an old noodle shop.
CABOOSE:What was this place?
SIMMONS:It was a human settlement before the alien war. Horrible massacre. No survivors.
CABOOSE:That must have made so many ghosts!
SIMMONS:Well, scientifically speaking there's no such thing as ghosts.
CABOOSE:Then what—then what happens to you when you die?
SIMMONS:Well, we just don't know. Probably nothing. Grif would say it's just one of life's great mysteries.
Beat.
CABOOSE:You talk about Grif a lot.
SIMMONS:Wh—shut up, no I don't.
CABOOSE:What you said makes no sense! If people don't turn into ghosts when they die, how do they come back?
SIMMONS:(thinking about this) Mmm...you don't.
CABOOSE:Then maybe...no one cared about these people. So that's why they haven't come back.
SIMMONS:I... don't think caring is part of it at all, Caboose.
CABOOSE:Well, Simmons, here's what I've learned. We care about Church: he comes back, every time. That's how it works, then.
SIMMONS:I don't know, Caboose. That's an interesting theory, but I wouldn't put too much weight on it. Most times when you die, you die! It doesn't matter how much someone likes you, or how little, or how not at all, you know, even after being friends for years and years...
CABOOSE:You're thinking about Grif.
SIMMONS:No! I'm thinking about how what you said is wrong! Scientifically speaking!
CABOOSE:Here's your science, Simmons: Dead friend + love = Church.
Beat.
SIMMONS:That's...math...I guess?
CABOOSE:Alright, so wait...if you're not scared of ghosts, what are you so scared of?
SIMMONS:Nothing!...and snakes.
CABOOSE:...snakes?
SIMMONS:Let me break it down for you, Caboose. This is a big city. So many places for snakes to hide. They could be everywhere all around us. Watching us...licking their snake lips...
CABOOSE:...snakes.
SIMMONS:WHAT WHERE?!
TUCKER walks down another hallway as more ominous music plays. Something runs by in the background. He notices and turns around.
TUCKER:Huh? Who's there?
At the bottom of a ramp, there is a shadow, which disappears as TUCKER walks by in the foreground. He runs back to see where it was.
TUCKER:Stop it!
In a rapid shot straight out of the Evil Dead series, the camera zooms through the hallways of the abandoned city, and eventually heads straight for TUCKER.
Just as it reaches him, TUCKER whips out his arm and curtain slams it straight into JAX, knocking him to the ground.
Cut to DYLAN at the relay.
TUCKER:(on radio) Tucker to Dylan! Over!
DYLAN:Find anything?
TUCKER stands over JAX.
TUCKER:Yeah...you're cameraman just tried to spook me.
DYLAN:(annoyed) ...is he still alive?
JAX:(like Ash Williams) Groovy...
TUCKER:Unfortunately, yes. How's everything on your end?
DYLAN:My AI just finished up its search. We were successful in tracing the signal back a step. We have the next location. A desert planet called Armada 8.
TUCKER:Sounds like a shitty motel. Okay, I'm calling off the search. Let's all just meet up at the ship and get out of here!
TUCKER's radio suddenly plays static.
CABOOSE:(on radio) Ah, who are you?! Ah, you killed me!
TUCKER:Caboose! What's going on?
TUCKER start to run with JAX following behind.
CABOOSE:(still over radio) Ahhhhhh. I am dead!
TUCKER:No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
TUCKER and JAX come to a clearing where we see someone's leg standing on a ledge. DYLAN runs up to them, then follows their gaze.
Standing above the bodies of SIMMONS, SARGE, and CABOOSE is the FOTUS SOLDIER from Blood Gulch and Sidewinder.
FOTUS SOLDIER:So you're Lavernius Tucker.
Ominous and overdone thunderclap.
TUCKER:What did you do?!
JAX:Oh look, it's that guy.
TUCKER:I'm going to kill you, you son of a bitch!
FOTUS SOLDIER:Lavernius Tucker...
TUCKER:That's going to be the last fucking name you ever say!
TUCKER draws out his Great Key.
TUCKER:Now come get some!
FOTUS SOLDIER:No violence. I am not here to fight.
TUCKER:You should've thought of that before you hurt my friends!
Beat.
FOTUS Soldier I did not touch them.
TUCKER:Yeah right, you expect me to believe you just found them like this!?
FOTUS SOLDIER:Yes, that is as it happened. That one I found sleeping here.
Sure enough, SARGE is just sleep.
SARGE:(mumbling) ...get Lopez deported...
SIMMONS is on the ground near a small snake.
FOTUS SOLDIER:Then that one saw a small snake and fainted.
The snake hisses.
FOTUS SOLDIER:Then, that one I believe is... playing dead?
CABOOSE is still alive.
CABOOSE:Is the bad man gone yet?
FOTUS Soldier I did not come here to hurt anyone. I only came to serve.
Tucker Who do you... serve?
FOTUS SOLDIER:I serve Lavernius Tucker. Are you he?
TUCKER:Oh, did Chorus send you?
FOTUS SOLDIER:Yes.
TUCKER:Oh-oh awesome! I saved their planet, so they sent me a servant! This is the best! My own personal badass bodyguard manservant.
FOTUS SOLDIER:So you are Tucker?
TUCKER:Fuck, yes I am!
The FOTUS Soldier jumps down and then gives Tucker a file.
FOTUS SOLDIER:You've been served.
TUCKER:What the fuck?
FOTUS SOLDIER:Child support payments.
TUCKER:Ah no dude, Junior's got a basketball scholarship. Who's the damn mom?
FOTUS SOLDIER:It's a class action lawsuit...
TUCKER:Shit!
FOTUS SOLDIER:...from a collection of new mothers of Chorus. They are demanding recompense for the new sons and daughters you sired before you fled.
TUCKER:The temple?... Oh no! The Temple! Why did I do it!? It was so good. I didn't mean to. I meant to. I want to. I didn't mean to!
FOTUS SOLDIER:Intention is no matter. Only consequence has true form.
DYLAN:That is...not how I saw this going...
JAX:So that's it. He just gives him a paper and walks away? No fight scene, no car chase, no gun battle, no jump kicks? Lame.
TUCKER:No! No...!
FOTUS SOLDIER:(pleasantly) Fare thee well, to thee all. You will nay see me again unless in service of the court. My name is Spencer Porkensenson, and I live to serve!
He blasts off.
TUCKER:(overdramatic) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!!!!!!
A 70s TV show-like opening suddenly plays for a show called "The Process Server," showing various clips of SPENCER throughout his appearances in the series, apparently starring him.
It is then revealed to be playing on a computer on DYLAN's ship, with DYLAN and JAX watching.
SPENCER:(soundbite on the computer) And I live to serve!
JAX:So, constructive feedback. I'm thinking about pitching this to some networks when we get back.
DYLAN:How did you get him to sign a release form?
Beat.
JAX:A-what now?
SIMMONS:(over intercom) Everybody strapped in and ready for liftoff?
A distressed TUCKER lies on a slab in the foreground, exhausted. He lets out an exasperated sigh.
TUCKER:Who cares? We're wasting our freaking time. Grif was right. We're never gonna find anything on this stupid trip.
The ship takes off over the planet. The camera then pans down to the RED SOLDIER that looks like SARGE, watching them leave.
RED SOLDIER:Surge to HQ. Surge to HQ.
VOICE ON RADIO:HQ here. Status?
We cut to a desert box canyon in the middle of nowhere. Familiar, yet somehow different.
SURGE:(radio) Sensors pulled through. It's them alright. Tangos are Oscar Mike.
VOICE ON RADIO:Copy.
We cut to the top of a base, where the Fake Reds and Blues are standing.
BLUE LEADER:Get back here on the double. I wouldn't want you missing out on the party. Temple out.
End of episode. 


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 8: A Fistful of Colours

SIMMONS addresses the camera.
SIMMONS:I'm the one who keeps everything together. Logistic, dishes, laundry cleaning the guns, taking out the trash. You know, you think that would make me popular.
DYLAN and JAX are revealed to be interviewing him.
JAX:Not really.
SIMMONS:(sighing) Es ta le sulekha.(I'm so alone.)
DYLAN:Excuse me?
SIMMONS:It means "I am so alone"? Jesus. doesn't anybody speak Esperanto?
DYLAN:I always thought you were close with Grif. Weren't you two friends?
SIMMONS:N-no, friends have things in common. Shared interests, common sense of humor. Grif and I were practically different species. Seriously, I did a DNA test on him once. Do you want to know how much pygmy sloth he has in him? Because it's a lot.
We cut to the canyon from the end of the previous episode, as the Reds and Blues enter. The whole location looks a lot like Blood Gulch.
DYLAN:It looks different from the others.
TUCKER:I'm getting the weirdest déjà vu from this place...
CABOOSE:Boy, you leave Blood Gulch for a few years and it really falls to pieces.
TUCKER:This isn't Blood Gulc––wait...hold up...
We pan across the canyon.
CABOOSE:Yup, see? Yep! There's Red Base, yup, and there's Blue Base...oh, and there's where I shot Church with a tank! That was a very exciting episode...
TUCKER:Damn! He's right! It's a fucking Blood Gulch replica!
DONUT:Oh, I planted a daylily patch before we left! Let's go check if it's here too?
SARGE:(dramatic) Not so fast! I smell an ambush... High cover all around! A small area to retreat... classic kill zone...
TUCKER:I hate to agree with Sarge, but after what just happened, I think we should error on the side of caution.
SIMMONS:You mean err on the side of caution.
TUCKER:Err? Err is not a word.
SIMMONS:Yes, it is! Watch, I'll even use it in a sentence! "Tucker was forced to pay for an entire elementary schools' worth of bastards, after an ERR in judgement."
TUCKER:Wow. Way to make fun of a single parent, Simmons. Real mature.
SARGE:Lopez! We need intelligencia! Do a scan for life forms!
LOPEZ:Soy un robot, no la Enterprise Espacial. 
CAPTION:I'm a robot, not the Starship Enterprise.
SARGE:Jammed?! This is worse than I thought!
TUCKER:Somebody should go ahead, we need a...umm, what'cha m'call it?
SIMMONS:A scout?
TUCKER:I was gonna say, sacrifice, but Scout works too! We need to know if anyone is out there before we walk into this!
In the meantime, CABOOSE has climbed onto a rock. He shouts, and his voice echoes around the canyon.
CABOOSE:(shouting) HELLO! IS! ANYBODY! OUT! THERE?!
TUCKER:(annoyed) ...or before Caboose does that.
Another voice rings from near a transmitter across the canyon.
A VERY CABOOSE-LIKE VOICE:(shouting) JUST! OVER! HERE!
DONUT:Man! The echoes in this canyon are weird!
SIMMONS:That wasn't an echo...that's someone here!
DYLAN:Ask them who they are!
SARGE:Nono, find out if it's an ambush!
CABOOSE:(shouting) ARE YOU A BUSH?!
A VERY CABOOSE-LIKE VOICE:NO! WELL, YEAH! PRETTY SURE!
The soldier runs out from hiding. He looks exactly like CABOOSE.
NOT CABOOSE:I AM NOT A BUSH!
DYLAN:Are you getting this?
JAX:Oh, yeah! And, I just discovered the anamorphic setting on my camera! This is gonna look epic!
Appropriately, the image mode switches to anamorphic as the two CABOOSES approach each other at the center of the canyon while some guitar strums play in the background.
They stare at each other silently. Then...
CABOOSE:Hello! Yeah, you look familiar, have we, umm...Have we met?
NOT CABOOSE:I-I was about to ask you the same thing!
CABOOSE:Huuuuh...
NOT CABOOSE:Hmm...
BOTH:I-I don't, uuuh...I don't, uuuh...
CABOOSE:Oh, I know! Why don't you tell me a little bit more about yourself?
NOT CABOOSE:I have a best friend! Even though sometimes he yells at me...Also! Whenever I get confused! I just say, "Neat."
CABOOSE:Neat! And uh, where do you see yourself in five years?
SIMMONS:Caboose, this isn't a job interview! Ask him why does he look like you!
TUCKER:No, ask him if he's alone!
CABOOSE:Why do you look alone?
NOT CABOOSE:We are throwing you a surprise party! All my friends are still hiding!
SURGE:(offscreen) Dang it, Loco! You ruined it!
LOCO:Oh! (whispered) Surprise.
SURGE:We are coming out! Don't shoot!
And just like that, five soldiers who look like LOPEZ, SIMMONS, SARGE, DONUT, and TUCKER emerge from where LOCO was hiding earlier.
TUCKER:Holy shit. It's us.
The soldiers stand in formation opposite their Red and Blue counterparts.
SARGE:Who in Sam Blazes are you? And why are you dressed like us?
SURGE:Ease up there, compadre...That's for the boss to explain.
They look up. Standing on a cliff ledge is TEMPLE, the sniper-wielding blue soldier from before.
TEMPLE:Brothers in arms, we greet you with open––
CABOOSE:You're not Church!
TEMPLE:...huh? But I didn't––
CABOOSE has abruptly appeared behind him.
CABOOSE:Where is he? Why are you dressed like him?
SURGE:Perimeter breach! (he draws his weapon) Drop your weapon, son!
TUCKER draws his weapon.
TUCKER:Get that gun off my teammate, redneck!
The maroon soldier draws his weapon.
NOT SIMMONS, THOUGH HE SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE HIM:Don't threaten Surge, you dirty Blue!
TUCKER:Simmons, what are you doing?
SIMMONS:Th-that's not me, I'm over here!
TEMPLE:Everyone, please! Let's all take a fucking chill pill, alright? Gene, Surge, lower the guns!
SURGE:Sir, yes sir!
GENE and SURGE lower their weapons.
The two groups of soldiers face each other.
TEMPLE:Ahem, sorry, this is all a little weird for me. I just can't believe you're all finally here!
TUCKER:Alright, you're real big fans. Can't blame you there, but that's no reason to go around cosplaying as us, you creeps!
TEMPLE:Wh-haha, n-no we're not just dressing like you! We're like you!...that sounds funny, uh, okay, we were also sim-troopers for Project Freelancer. We were stationed here, in this gulch.
SARGE:I don't buy it...
SURGE:It's true, son. Every word.
SIMMONS:Yeah, this is a little hard to believe. I mean, you have a Sarge, a Tucker, a Donut––
TEMPLE:Well, actually it's Surge, Bucky, and Cronut.
SIMMONS:What's next, you're going to tell us you have a Spanish speaking robot as well?
GENE:Of course not, that would be absurd! Lorenzo speaks Italian!
LORENZO:Ciao. Come stai, nuovi estranei? (Hello. How are you, new strangers?)
TEMPLE:I'm Temple. I'm the leader of our team. Not because I want to, it sorta fell in my lap. We call ourselves the Blues and Reds.
SARGE:Terrible name!
TEMPLE:With that out of the way, how about we get the fuck out of here? It ain't safe above ground right now.
TUCKER:We came here expecting to find Church, not a bunch of knock-off clones! So why don't you tell us what's going on, and we can decide where to kill you or not!
TEMPLE:We'll tell you everything, just...can we do it in a safer place?
TUCKER:Not happening, dude.
DYLAN:Why don't you start with all the attacks?
Beat.
TEMPLE:I'll start at the truth. The UNSC. The same military you enlisted in, the one that sold your lives and souls to Project Freelancer, well apparently that wasn't enough for them. They're going around killing off everyone involved with the project.
TUCKER:Woah, back up. You're suggesting the UNSC is killing the Freelancers.
TEMPLE:(bitter) That's just the cap of the iceberg. It's everyone. Agents, sim-troopers, techs, pilots, janitors...
DONUT:But, why?
TEMPLE:I don't know if it's some splinter cell, or some four-star bureaucrat sweeping us all under the rug before he runs for office...but the situation is the same. We only risked coming here because we knew you were close, and we had to warn you.
TUCKER:And just how does Church play into all of this? The beacons? The coverup?
TEMPLE:We think he's their prisoner. I don't know how long they've had him, or where he is. We've been gathering intel about our enemies, and we came across his transmission in one of their networks. We built these relays to get in contact. We thought you'd wanna know.
Beat.
TUCKER:So, Dylan, are these or are these not the guys that tried to kill you on Sidewinder?
DYLAN:I believe they are.
TEMPLE:We what?...You WHAT?
GENE:It's Bucky's fault!
BUCKY:You were the one who shot first!
GENE:You gave the order to shoot!
BUCKY:I meant shoot like "damn," not shoot like shoot! No matter what, you should've errored on the side of caution, Gene!
GENE:How many times do I have to tell you, it's "err"!
SIMMONS:He's right, "err" is a word!
TUCKER AND BUCKY:No, it's not!
GENE:Regardless, we realized we fucked up and ran away. And they attacked us with that maniac bounty hunter of theirs!
TUCKER:Wait a second. The bounty hunter was with you?
DYLAN:Temple, even if what you say is true, it's Chorus that's paying the price for your attacks.
TEMPLE:Chorus? That's old news, lady. The peace talks worked. Chorus is fine. We have a new strategy now anyway. A––
Something starts beeping. TEMPLE looks at SURGE.
TEMPLE:What is it, Surge?
SURGE:Proximity alert just went off! We got incoming!
TUCKER:Incoming what?
They all look up.
TEMPLE:Bad guys.
Four fighter jets emerge from behind the cliffs and starts heading towards their position.
UNSC PILOT 1:Targets located. Fixing missile lock.
The two teams retreat.
UNSC PILOT 2:Haha, oh yeah, look at 'em run!
UNSC PILOT 1:Outlook spotted weapons free. Engage.
UNSC PILOT 3:Apple two, fox three!
The soldiers retreat into a base.
SIMMONS:Ahh, run!
LOCO:I died!
DYLAN:Roll camera!
JAX:Oh, this is gonna be great for my reel!
SARGE fires shot after shot at the jets while SURGE comes running out with a rocket launcher. He fires a shot, which one of the fighters dodges.
SURGE:Grab one, son. That's an order!
SARGE:Woah, woah, woah! Rank check!
SURGE:Colonel.
SARGE:Same. Do you remember the procedure for this?
SURGE:Hehe, of course!
They play Rock, Paper, Scissors. SURGE beats SARGE with paper.
SARGE pulls out a rocket launcher.
SARGE:Awaiting orders, sir!
They each fire a shot, which hits one of the fighter jets and destroys it.
SARGE:Ye-haw!
SURGE:That was a heck of a shot, son!
SARGE:Hot damn it feels good to be back in the chain of command! Woo-hoo!
SURGE:It's great to have ya on our side!
SARGE:Ya-ha-hoo!
They keep firing rockets. The other jets start firing at them and they are forced to retreat into the base. TEMPLE and TUCKER are there.
TEMPLE:We need to spread out! We're jammed like sardines in here!
TUCKER:Lopez! Pasta robot! Draw their fire off the left flank!
LOPEZ:Sí. 
CAPTION:Yes.
LORENZO:Sì. (Yes.)
LOPEZ:Vamanos. 
CAPTION:Let's go.
LORENZO:An diamo. (Let's go.)
TUCKER:Donut! Pink man!
CRONUT:Ooh, technically it's reddish white!
TUCKER:Don't care! Get to the roof! We need you to avert their fire!
DONUT gets on the roof. CRONUT joins him.
DONUT:Looks like we've got quite the sticky mess on our hands!
CRONUT:Let's blow our tops together after a short countdown!
DONUT:I'm wide open to that idea, but where should we count down from?
CRONUT:Ten! No, five! Or, let's make it a quickie!
DONUT:I can get behind that!
A fighter jet sneaks up on them and fires a shot, sending them flying.
BOTH:AUUGHH!
JAX:Augh!
DYLAN:What in God's name are you doing?
JAX:Ah, I'm practicing my Wilhelm scream! Y'know, in case I get thrown by an explosion like them!
DYLAN:Your what?
JAX:Wilhelm scream. "Augh!" You know, the one from every movie!
DYLAN:This isn't a movie! They could be injured!
JAX:Ah, yeah. What was I thinking? We should definitely just add it in post.
SARGE and SURGE keep firing rockets at one of the jets, managing to destroy it. Another one takes its place, and they retreat.
SIMMONS:That's the last of the AA!
GENE:We triple checked!
SIMMONS:Twice!
TEMPLE:Two left. Dibs on one. Got any bright ideas for the other?
TUCKER:I'm sure I'll think of something...
He draws his sword.
TEMPLE emerges from the base and starts firing sniper shots at the jets. One shot misses. He fires another and it misses.
TEMPLE:Shit!
Another missed shot as the jet flies towards him. And another. He keeps firing.
TEMPLE:Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!
One shot lands, and he manages to kill the pilot, sending the ship crashing. The other jet approaches the base.
TUCKER leaps from the top of the base into the air, landing on the ship and flinging the pilot out of the cockpit before landing on the ground as the jet crashes right behind him in an epic explosion.
The two teams meet in the canyon.
TEMPLE:Casualty report.
JAX:Well, the pink dudes got blown up!
DONUT and CRONUT approach the group.
DONUT:We're okay!
CRONUT:My daylily patch cushioned our fall!
SURGE:Both robots have been dismembered, sirs!
LOPEZ:
CAPTION:Damn, this sucks.
LORENZO:(This sucks, damn.)
TEMPLE:Gather the parts, but do it quick, we're leaving! You all can come with or not, but the UNSC will be sending reinforcements any minute. The surface is no longer safe.
DYLAN:Why do you keep saying surface?
We cut to an underwater lair.
TEMPLE:Welcome home, my friends. While we're here, we're safe.
CABOOSE looks around in awe. As he names things he inexplicably teleports in front of them in several rapid cuts.
CABOOSE:(gasps) This place is awesome! There are fishes! Dripping water! Swimming pools! Great machine!
TEMPLE runs before the machine.
TEMPLE:Woah-woah-woah-woah, uh, this area is off-limits. We wouldn't want anyone getting hurt, after all.
DYLAN:What is this thing?
TEMPLE:That's...how we stay hidden. It's a sorta cloaking device. Now, why don't you make yourselves at home? I do hope that you'll be our guests in the mess hall this evening for dinner. (slowly) We've having fish...
Everyone stares in his direction as he leaves. They start following him. BUCKY and TUCKER stay behind.
BUCKY:Yo, Tucker! Just wondering, you got a thing going on with that reporter chick?
TUCKER:Who, Dylan? No dude!
BUCKY:Sweet! Don't know if you've noticed, but it's a bit of a sausage party around here.
TUCKER:(amused) Oh, I know all about sausage parties! Uh, wait, that came out wrong.
BUCKY:Sure it did. Boom-chicka-wah-wah!
He leaves. TUCKER stares in his direction.
TUCKER:This is officially fucking weird.
The machine behind him mysteriously shuts off.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 9: Rigged

Sarge faces the camera.
SARGE:Name, rank, serial number, that's all your getting from me.
DYLAN is now interviewing him. Everytime SARGE speaks, a military drumroll plays, only to stop whenever DYLAN interrupts.
DYLAN:Well, that's a good place to start. I have no idea what your actual name is. Every record I ever found just says "Sarge."
SARGE:I see right through your ploy clear as glass.
DYLAN:There is no ploy. I just don't know your name.
SARGE:Ha! You THINK you'll just butter me up! When I least expect it: Whambo! You pry open my mind prison and suck out my brain beans! Well, I'm not falling for it. I'm ooooold past the interrogation game. Pay attention, missy! You might just learn a thing or two.
DYLAN:Well, if we're not going to talk, we can just cut. I don't why you asked for this interview.
SARGE:To keep an eye on you. Y'see Temple and Surge don't trust you. They sent me to find out what you know, so while you think you're interrogating me, I'll secretly be interrogating you to find out what you know about them. Haha! Oh no.
DYLAN:...What?
SARGE:I, uh, I realize now that I've just spilled all my brain beans. ...Oh, damn, you're good!
DYLAN:Please, if you could just...tell me your name?
SARGE:I underestimated you. The student has become the teacher. Touché.
SARGE begins making a weird howling noise. DYLAN walks in front of the camera.
DYLAN:Just cut, Jax.
Cut to TUCKER approaching TEMPLE.
TEMPLE:Tucker! Thanks for coming in!
TUCKER:No problemo. What's shakin'?
TEMPLE:This feels a little awkward, but I-I wanted to express my gratitude and admiration for you, and your amazing performance back at the gulch.
TUCKER:Temple, we just met, so I should let you know that flattery isn't going to get you anywhere. You can't butter me up! ...But do go on.
TEMPLE:That was the coolest thing I've ever seen, man! You fight like a freelancer! It was like I bore witness to a bright star of hope, shone through the clouds amidst a dark and terrible whirlpool!
TUCKER:Mm, I don't think I've been called a star before, but, if the shoe fits...
TEMPLE:This fight has felt so hopeless for us. What we're going up against, I-I mean we're just a bunch of dumb rejects hurling ourselves against impossible odds. You give us.....you gave me, a real sense of hope.
TUCKER:Well, it's not the first time I've helped a bunch of helpless people in need. I'm just doing what I do best. Well, second best, if you know what I mean.
TEMPLE:(laughs) Oh, you know I do. (just to be sure) Sex, right? Yeah, uh, the other thing I-I wanted to bring up is perhaps a bit more sensitive, uh, it's about that reporter.
TUCKER:Dylan? There's nothing between us.
TEMPLE:What do you really know about her?
TUCKER:Mmm...not much, she kinda helped out a little bit.
TEMPLE:Yeah...I just worry about her agenda. I mean, those journalist types, they don't give a shit about real people. They just care about selling their stories and getting their book deals and leaving us plebs to our fate. We're kinda like lab rats to them!
TUCKER:That seems kinda extreme.
TEMPLE:I guess, I dunno! Maybe you're right...she did warn you about that bounty hunter though, right?
TUCKER:She...huh, she knew about him, didn't she? She said so at your gulch!
TEMPLE:I'm only saying something because I've been used enough times in my life already.
TUCKER:Yeah, I know that song. Man, she probably led that asshole straight to me!
TEMPLE:(goading him on) Woah! Dick move!
TUCKER walks through the base. He passes by CABOOSE and LOCO.
CABOOSE:Hey Tucker!
LOCO:Hey Tucker!
TUCKER:This "glitch in the matrix" shit is gonna give me a migraine...
He approaches JAX, DYLAN, DONUT, SIMMONS, and a purple medic...
TUCKER:Oh, they've got a bizarro Doc too, huh? What's your ripoff name? Brock? Schmock?
PURPLE MEDIC:Oh hey, Tucker! It's me, Doc! You know me!
TUCKER:Woah! Doc Doc? The hell are you doing here?
DOC:Just hangin' out with the Blues and Reds. These guys are mah homies! Wassup?
TUCKER:You know them?
DOC:Yeah! I was just telling Simmons and Donut and your reporter friend that I've known these guys for years!
SIMMONS:Don't you find it weird that they're like, I dunno, bootleg versions of us?
DOC:(laughing) That's hilarious. Yeah, no, it's actually vice versa! Like, they're the originals, and YOU'RE the crappy copy.
TUCKER:What?
DOC:Yeah, yeah. They're the real McCoys, and you are the non-McCoy fake. Uhh...they're like iPods and you are like Zunes.
TUCKER:We were first!
DOC:No way man. Their gulch was like, WAYY before yours. That's why they're the Fruit Loops, and you are just the "Generic Brand Sugar Rings."
DONUT:They're a Gucci bag, and we're a Gucci bag you buy from a street vendor with vastly inferior stitching.
TUCKER:Donut, don't help him. And why do you have a purse?
JAX:They're all like, Spiderman, and you guys are like, Turkish Spiderman.
DOC:They're the ding dongs, and you are a dildo.
TUCKER:I don't care who's David Lee Roth, and who's Sammy Hagar. It's still fucking weird that there are two of everyone, and I'm still hot for teacher.
DYLAN:I've been able to corroborate certain aspects of their story. In my investigation on Sidewinder, I found records of another gulch of Reds and Blues. This gulch was tagged as a "prototype" but, I don't know what for.
TUCKER:(accusatory) You found that on Sidewinder, huh? That's where you met up with that bounty hunter.
DYLAN:Well, yeah. We crossed paths.
TUCKER:Did your path have a sign that said, "Follow me to Lavernius Tucker!"
DYLAN:Woah, take it easy. I had nothing to do with that.
TUCKER:Yeah fucking right. I bet that made great TV.
JAX:Ha! You're damn right it did! Oh, I just wish I had a gimp for that big "NOOOOO!!!" Maybe we could schedule some reshoots?
DYLAN:Jax!
TUCKER:Nice! Super awesome of you guys! That was sarcastic. C'mon, let's get out of here, Simmons.
GENE:I'm not Simmons, I'm Gene! He's Simmons!
TUCKER:Are you sure?
SIMMONS:Tucker, come on man, you've known me for years!
GENE:Yeah, I just came over to say the Blues and Reds are moving out on an errand, but you all should make yourselves at home while we're gone.
DYLAN:What errand?
GENE:Our cloaking device is failing, we need to pick up some parts from an unmanned mining rig.
TUCKER:And lemme guess. You need the help of your "Shining Star of Hope."
GENE:Oh, that'd be excellent! Sarge is already one of us after all. I mean, he's joined us. I mean, he's coming along!
TUCKER:Well, count the rest of us in too.
DYLAN:Well I think it's a great idea. I can––
TUCKER:Not you, us. Let's go, Simmons.
GENE:I'm––
TUCKER:Don't care. Just help me with my dramatic exit.
He exits dramatically, leaving DYLAN and JAX behind.
We cut to the Reds and Blues and the Blues and Reds on the mining rig, with TEMPLE addressing them. The Blues and Reds have swapped out their visors for blue ones.
TEMPLE:Now let's try to make this quick. We need some electronics to fix our cloaking device. This rig is fully automated, so we don't expect to encounter any forms of enemy resistance.
SIMMONS:Hey, what's with your visors?
TEMPLE:Ah, uh, I have ordered my men to switch to blue to avoid confusion. Uh, Caboose and Loco are having some trouble with that.
SIMMONS:Yeah, they weren't the only ones.
Both CABOOSE and LOCO have switched to blue visors.
CABOOSE:Yup, I'm just saying it's getting a little hard to follow.
TUCKER:...wrong side, Caboose.
CABOOSE:(to LOCO) I think he's talking to you. WHY ARE YOU ALL BLUE.
LOPEZ and LORENZO watch from afar.
LORENZO:Dobbiamo collaborare un tirare un Westworld su questi carramorse. (We should team up and pull a Westworld on these meat-bags.)
TEMPLE:To business. Gene has uploaded Loco's requests into your HUD. Now let's break up and see what we can scrounge around. This could also be a chance for us to get to know each other!
GENE:I suggest we break into groups of two to maximize efficiency!
SIMMONS:I suggest we start a counter-clockwise search pattern from the top of the base down.
GENE:That's a great idea! I was just about to suggest it.
SIMMONS:Mm-hmm...hey Tucker you wanna partner up?
TUCKER:Whatever.
SIMMONS:Great! Let's go.
Exit SIMMONS and TUCKER.
SARGE and SURGE walk through the building.
SARGE:Interesting! I always say a marine without a code is like a car without a road.
SURGE:Fascinating! I always say the best defense is a really tall fence.
SARGE:Ya don't say! I always say a good soldier is like a rollin' boulder.
SURGE:Well, I'll be! I always say a mantra a day keeps death at bay!
SARGE:Hotdog! I always say the only good Grif is a dead Grif.
SURGE:...what's a Grif?
SARGE:Oh, yeah! You don't have an orange one, do ya? Consider yourselves lucky. You're better off without any Annoying Orange in your life.
SURGE:Hmm...
He looks away, pondering. SARGE awkwardly looks around.
SARGE:So...how d'ya feel about...strawberry yoohoo?
TUCKER and SIMMONS are talking privately.
TUCKER:Really? But you guys are like twins.
SIMMONS:We are not. I'm nothing like that Gene guy. So much of a busybody, nerdy, goody-two-shoes...
TUCKER:Yeah man, you just described yourself.
SIMMONS:Oh, don't–do–just shut up!
TUCKER:(mocking) Well how would you describe yourself, Simmons?
SIMMONS:Not like him, ugh. His voice is so annoying! "Scientifically speaking, I think we should split into pairs and maximize efficiency." I don't sound ANYTHING like that!
He leaves. TUCKER watches him.
TUCKER:Mmm-hmm.
They look over at DONUT and CRONUT below them.
TUCKER:Yeesh, I can't even imagine what those idiots are talking about.
DONUT:How do I possibly choose? Both are big, and thick, and fill me to my navel! (sighs) But probably Dostoevsky. I find resonance in his perspective that a person is never simply the product of external forces, and––
CRONUT:We can debate causality until we're both stiff in the earth, but it won't change the fact that Tolstoy was the more endowed!
DONUT:An endowed vision of the bourgeois. Mundane! Flaccid! And frankly, overrated!
CRONUT:You are shafting my man, Donut! However, I must say I do appreciate the discourse. I've grown soft around these uncultured philistines.
DONUT:We must use our mouths...until the things that are hard...turn to putty in our hands.
CRONUT:Ah, Émile Zola! You are well read!
DONUT:Well, I certainly didn't just blow my wad on the Russians!
Cut to a bunch of random items being thrown around.
LOCO:All these gifts! It's like Christmas!
CABOOSE:Only with less eggnog and fruitcake! Blegh!
LOCO:And not the same without Santa being here! Blegh!
TEMPLE:Great! Is that everything you need?
LOCO:Oh yeah! Got all sorts of awesome stuff in here! I can fix our vortex capacitor and have enough multi-casting shifter coils to de-ionize support shields for sure!
Beat.
CABOOSE:(lost) Uh...what?
TUCKER:Did you get any of that, Simmons?
SIMMONS:I understand Lopez better than I understood that.
TEMPLE:Loco's got a...bit of a knack. If he says he's got it, he's got it.
SARGE:Mad scientist, huh?
SIMMONS:Technically, he'd be a mad engineer.
GENE:Unless he goes around, testing hypotheses all day long!
TUCKER:Goddamn, I can't believe I have to hear this shit in stereo now.
TUCKER goes off to the side. TEMPLE follows him.
TEMPLE:You know, I was thinking. It's great that you're all safe, but maybe we should try to get a word of warning to your Freelancers as well. Where are they?
TUCKER:Knowing them, they're probably in the middle of some spectacular acrobatic fight scene! Kicking, and punching, and flying through the air...awesome music playing...man, I can just picture it now...
Cut to a peaceful sun-lit beach.
CAROLINA:Well, this isn't completely horrible.
WASHINGTON:No, it is not.
Blackout.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 10: Battlescars

The camera pans over a sandy crescent shaped island, with palm trees and ocean all around. CAROLINA is seen standing on the beach, facing towards the ocean.
WASHINGTON:Hellooooo? Carolina?
CAROLINA:(turns back to face WASHINGTON) Sorry, must have spaced out. Any luck?
WASHINGTON:No sign of Agent Illinois.This is definitely his place though.
CAROLINA:How can you tell?
Cut to a picture frame with YORK, CAROLINA, ILLINOIS, NORTH, and WYOMING relaxing, all with drinks in their hands. WYOMING is sitting on the side, his arm resting on a chair that YORK and CAROLINA are both sitting in, with YORK's hand around CAROLINA's shoulders. NORTH is in front of them giving the "peace" sign, with Illinois in front holding a bottle of beer.
WASHINGTON:Really takes you back, huh?
CAROLINA:Sure does
WASHINGTON:(talking about York and Carolina) You two look cozy.
CAROLINA:Pretty sure I hit him for doing that.
The two walk back outside, towards the ocean.
WASHINGTON:Seems like our friend left in a hurry. The only thing missing from the place is his armor.
CAROLINA:But where did he go?
WASHINGTON:No note. Your guess is as good as mine. Good call in finding him here though.
CAROLINA:(turning towards WASHINGTON) What do you remember about Agent Illinois?
WASHINGTON:Demolitions expert. He wasn't top tier, but he was a crack-shot with a rifle––
CAROLINA:I mean out of the armor.
WASHINGTON:Oh, uh...I never knew him.
CAROLINA:Illinois was always... different. He wasn't ambitious or competitive like the rest of us. He didn't fight for an A.I. or screw over his friends to get placed higher in the rankings. Instead, he was doing a job and dreaming up a life after. Of an island chain that stretched around an entire planet. A shack by the water, with a bar of spiced rum, and a tiny red sailboat. He did it.
WASHINGTON:I didn't realize you two were close.
CAROLINA:We weren't. He and York were drinking buddies though. I heard all about it hanging out with him.
WASHINGTON:Uh, York, huh? This must... reopen some old wounds. I-I'm sorry.
CAROLINA:Sometimes, I think York was my chance at a fresh start. I threw it down an elevator shaft.
WASHINGTON:You're being too hard on yourself. You've changed over the years, I've seen it myself.
CAROLINA:I've grown from being a dishonorable killing machine to an honorable killing machine. That's quite the journey.
WASHINGTON:Well... it's never too late to start over again.
CAROLINA:Do you really believe that, David?
Pause.
WASHINGTON:Well, I don't know if rock singer is really in your future... but yeah.
CAROLINA:It was fun to watch them squirm though, wasn't it?
WASHINGTON:I changed my mind, you are evil.
CAROLINA:(holding out York's Lighter in her palm) This is all I have left from York. From Freelancer. Just this and my armor.
CAROLINA starts to throw the lighter into the ocean. WASHINGTON quickly grabs her arm, stopping her.
WASHINGTON:You don't have to do that.
CAROLINA:What about starting over?
WASHINGTON:I mean, you don't have to destroy the past to have a future.
WASHINGTON works his hand into CAROLINA's, in which she accepts it and the two lower their arms and look out towards the horizon.
WASHINGTON:(softly) Take off your suit.
CAROLINA:(shocked) What?
CAROLINA quickly yanks her hand away.
WASHINGTON:I got an idea, take it off.
CAROLINA:(still somewhat shocked) Okay, uh, that's a little forward.
WASHINGTON:(stammering) No, eh, no... not like that. The recovery beacons. That's the key.
CAROLINA:Excuse me?
WASHINGTON:Every suit that belonged to Project Freelancer was special. They all had recovery beacons in them, so agents could be located if they were ever in distress. Personally, I didn't like the idea of walking around with an active tracking device.
CAROLINA:(understanding) So you turned ours off, I remember!
WASHINGTON:Well, maybe that's why we're still around. Whoever's been tracking down the Freelancers has a way of following the beacons.
CAROLINA:So we turn ours back on and lure the hunters here?
WASHINGTON:Unless you have a better idea.
CAROLINA:Can't say that I do.
A moment passes where the two Freelancers stare at each other.
WASHINGTON:So?
Beat.
CAROLINA:Are you going to turn around?
WASHINGTON:Ah! Yes, sorry.
Camera cuts to a Pelican flying towards the island and landing, whereupon the Reds and Blues and Blues and Reds (Christ) disembark.
WASHINGTON:(disbelievingly) Oh man, you are not going to believe this.
CAROLINA:Mercenaries?
WASHINGTON:Nope.
CAROLINA:Space pirates?
WASHINGTON:Dumber.
CAROLINA:Don't tell me, the Reds and Blues?
WASHINGTON:(scoping out) It's twice as bad as that.
Cut to WASHINGTON and CAROLINA walking up the beach to where TUCKER is standing.
WASHINGTON:Let me guess, Sarge built robot versions of everyone.
TUCKER:Guess again.
WASHINGTON:...I'd really rather not.
TUCKER:Fine. Wash, Carolina. Meet Temple, Surge, Loco, uh, Robo Spaghettio, Bucket---
BUCKEY:Buckey!
TUCKER:Whatever! And Donut 2.0.
TEMPLE:Washington, Carolina. It's an honor to meet you both.
WASHINGTON:What. The. Heck.
CAROLINA:Can you explain why there's two of everyone?
TUCKER:They're from another gulch. That's why they look like us. Look, the whole story is long and complicated and we need to get out of here ASAP. You really fucked up activating your beacon. That's how they're tracking us down.
WASHINGTON:We were counting on it! We're luring them here.
TUCKER:Well lucky for you, we can do the same thing.
CAROLINA:Yeah. Lucky.
WASHINGTON:From our perspective, we set a trap and you all fell in it.
TEMPLE:Well, your trap wouldn't have worked anyway. The UNSC has a nasty habit of nuking from orbit first, asking questions later.
CAROLINA:(confused) The UNSC?
TUCKER:Oh, big surprise. You guy's haven't figured out what's going on yet. Score another for Team Tucker.
CAROLINA:You have? And Church?
TUCKER:He's alive.
TEMPLE:If you come with us, we'll explain everything.
Cut to a conference room where TEMPLE, SURGE, GENE, TUCKER, SARGE, SIMMONS, WASHINGTON, and CAROLINA are standing around a table.
CAROLINA:That's...quite a story.
TUCKER:Temple only left out the part where Sarge fell in love with himself and Simmons realized he can't stand his own reflection.
CAROLINA:What about the reporter. Did she leave?
SIMMONS:No, she's around here somewhere.
SARGE:We've been keeping her in a "don't need to know basis." Can't trust the press these days.
CAROLINA:(slowly) Why not? She seemed perfectly trustworthy to me.
TUCKER:Well, we don't, like, know what her agenda and stuff is.
CAROLINA:But Tucker, she can get the real story out. She publicizes this insane plot by the UNSC to kill the ex-agents––
TEMPLE:(interrupting) AND sim-troopers! We're people too.
CAROLINA:If she can get the story out, it's game over.
TEMPLE:There's no easy way out of this. This ends with us taking the fight to those that would see us all dead. This ends in violence.
CAROLINA:What if it didn't have to––
TEMPLE:They killed your friends.
TUCKER:They have Church!
CAROLINA:And they need to be brought to justice, but what if for once, it was in a courtroom or a court martial and not at the end of somebody's knife?
TUCKER:Are you feeling alright?
TEMPLE:Our adversaries are too powerful! If we come at them now with just accusations, they're going to turtle up and write it out. They're looking for us. They're poking their head out of their shell and I aim to chop it the fuck off!
TUCKER:O-oh yeah, boy!
TEMPLE:Anyway, we're getting ahead of ourselves here. Strategizing can wait until breakfast, at least.
SIMMONS:And breakfast is?
TEMPLE:(reluctantly) Fish.
Everybody groans in disgust.
TEMPLE:(sheepishly) Sorry.
TUCKER:Man, I'm gonna puke if I eat one more fucking fish.
TEMPLE:HEY, there's not like there's any cows or chickens swimming around in our underwater lair–– uh base. (clears his throat) Anyways, how about I give our guests the grand tour?
Cuts to an elevator door opening and TEMPLE, WASHINGTON, and CAROLINA walking down a dimly lit hallway.
TEMPLE:Just through here, sorry about the mess.
WASHINGTON:You wanted to show us, what?
TEMPLE:Uh, we just gathered some relics from Project Freelancer. I thought you both would appreciate the collection.
TEMPLE stops in front of a doorway leading to a room where suits of armor can be barely seen. WASHINGTON and CAROLINA continue forward.
TEMPLE:Oh, lemme get the lights.
The lights turn on to reveal several suits of armor of warriors in various poses; some aiming their weapons at something, others looking as if they were about to fight something, and a couple of them looking as if they were trying to stab something or someone.
TEMPLE:Recognize anyone?
WASHINGTON:Oh man, that's Agent Arizona's armor, isn't it?
CAROLINA:And Maryland's. There's Alaska.
WASHINGTON:(gagging) Uh, I think you need to check your plumbing. That smell...
CAROLINA:(slowly) That's...not...sewage.
Cuts a a view of a suit resembling Illinois', complete with a beer bottle.
CAROLINA:(slowly) I. Don't think these are just suits of armor.
WASHINGTON:(bewildered) What? That's...
They slowly turn to TEMPLE.
CAROLINA:(menacingly) You.
TEMPLE:(nonchalantly) Guilty.
CAROLINA:What did you do to them?
TEMPLE:I killed them. I MURDERED them. I set my vengeance free upon them and it felt so good! But not as half as good as this feels.
WASHINGTON:Well, if its a fight you want––
CAROLINA:Then I think we can oblige.
WASHINGTON draws and aims his weapon while CAROLINA holsters hers and sets herself into a defensive position.
TEMPLE:(laughing) I could never best you in a fight. And anyway, don't they say that revenge is a dish best served... frozen?
Temple brings out a toyish looking radio, something LOCO would use in his contraptions, and presses a button.
WASHINGTON:(as his armor locks down and freezes) Eagh...
TEMPLE:My greatest fear is that you would know me Carolina. That you'd recognize my voice and the game would be up.
WASHINGTON:(with effort) Carolina. I can't...
CAROLINA:I can't... move either. I'm locked.
TEMPLE:Ah, the armor lock technology was salvaged from Project Freelancer. Fate is not without irony, and the past, is not with its just dessert.
WASHINGTON:That yarn about the UNSC, they're not really killing Freelancers.
TEMPLE:(cheerfully) Of course not! I am!
CAROLINA:Why?
TEMPLE:Because of you did to us. For what she (gestures towards CAROLINA) did most of all. The record, for staying alive in this room, locked in your armor is eight days, and eleven hours. I know you've always been the most competitive of the Freelancers, Agent Carolina. So, do try to do better for me.
He turns to leave.
WASHINGTON:The Reds and Blues... will come looking ...
TEMPLE:The Reds and Blues will be dead before they even miss you. So long, Agent Washington.
CAROLINA:NOOOOOO!!!!!!
TEMPLE slowly walks out of the room.
TEMPLE:(casually) So long, Carolina.
The door closes.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 11: Belly of the Beast

Cut to a shot of whale creatures swimming around outside the Blues & Reds' base
DYLAN:(voice over) You know the story of Jonah?
Cut to Jax and Dylan in the base watching the whale things through a window.
JAX:Mm, that does ring a bell. Was that on the Blacklist?
DYLAN:The Bible, actually. Jonah was swallowed whole by a whale.
JAX:Belly of the beast ,huh? Sounds like this "Bible" ripped off Aliens.
DYLAN:I feel a bit like Jonah right now. But this whale has secrets. I dunno about you but I am sick of being sidelined.
JAX:Ooh! Are we gonna do some snooping around?
DYLAN:Nooo, I'm gonna do some snooping around.
JAX:Oh, come on, you know I could help! I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm pretty good at randomly bumping into things that move the plot forwards?
DYLAN:You've got something more important to do. I need you to distract someone while I look around. (whispering) I think the Blues and Reds have Sarge spying on us.
SARGE:(off screen) NUH-UH!
Cut to reveal Sarge watching them from across the room.
SARGE:(suspiciously) I, uh, I was just walkin' by! I didn't hear you say exactly what you said just now! (walking away) See ya later ! Bye! Gotta go! Woo!
JAX:(beat) I think you might be onto something.
Cut to Jax approaching Sarge while Dylan watches from the shadows.
JAX:Hi, there... Mr. Sarge.
SARGE:*grunts*
JAX:(hesitant beat) Sarge, have you ever considered a life in show business?
SARGE:Ha! That's ridiculous. Show biz is a young man's game. And I was an old man when your old man was a young man. Young man.
JAX:Not necessarily. Some people do get into it late- eh later.
SARGE:Well, despite my chiseled frame and iconic eyebrows... I, am a soldier! Not a movie star!
JAX:Ya' know, you remind me of R. Lee Ermey. He was a marine. A real one like you. He was consulting on Fullmetal Jacket and he was so good that Kubrick cast him in the actual film right then and there!
SARGE:Really? Well, ain't that a wing dinger!
JAX:I'm actually writing a military drama myself at the moment. (walking away) But if your not interested, I guess I could check with Surge. Apparently he studied at Julliard.
SARGE:Halt!
Jax stops.
SARGE:(cont'd) Now don't you go puttin' words in my mouth! I never said I wasn't interested. Now what exactly is this movie about?
JAX:It's a military courtroom drama about a drill sergeant who has to defend himself in court after an accident during a drill gets his whole squad killed.
SARGE:Sounds fantastic! I've long fantasized about Grif dying horribly during routine training exercises. When can I see the script?
JAX:Script? Ugh- Yes, of course. I-I mean once you have the part of course, of course. There's an audition first.
Dylan sneaks away in the background as Jax talks.
JAX:It's like a...screen test. Screen test. Audition test. Screen test. Skits-you-see -in-front-of-the-camera test.
SARGE:Alright, alright ! I'll give it a shot! Personally, I've always seen myself playing the thirty-something CEO of some exciting internet startup.
JAX:Yeeaaah, I think that's gonna be a bit of a stretch. Why don't we stick to what you know?
SARGE:Lights...Camera...Sarge!
Cut to Dylan crouching out of sight as Gene walks by. She moves on the room with the cloaking generator and hides as Cronut and Bucky exit the room.
TEMPLE:(off screen) Excuses! I'm sick of them!
Dylan enters the room and hides behind a crate as Loco and Temple argue.
TEMPLE:(cont'd) So sick of them I could puke!
LOCO:I know. I'm sorry. I just-I-I'm trying!
TEMPLE:Try harder, fuckface! When will it be done?
LOCO:You know, soon. Soon! Ugh, yeah soon. Soon. Probably. Probably! Hello!
TEMPLE:(mockingly) Probably! Probably! What the fuck, Loco!? I've given you everything you've asked for. You said it would be ready months ago!
LOCO:Well. The quantum capacitors are working. The flux matrix is reversing the matter's states but I still can't get the neutron dispensers to polarize the anti-matter and I'm out of AA batteries.
TEMPLE:*stutters* Stop! I can't stand the fucking techno- babble!
LOCO:But-
TEMPLE:Why couldn't you just build a huge freaking bomb like I asked!?
LOCO:But, this is gonna be so much better!. It's gonna be perfect. It's gonna be big and beautiful. You're gonna love it! And we're gonna be best friends!
Dylan moves slightly, causing a can to roll along the top of the crate.
TEMPLE:And It's going to be finished soon. Or you are. Got it?
The can falls and makes a small noise.
LOCO:It'll be finished by the-
TEMPLE:Shh!
The two ready their weapons and move towards the crate.
LOCO:Gasp! It's you!
Dylan is shown to be gone, with a small spartan plushy in her place. Temple suspiciously looks to the doorway.
LOCO:Oh you are in trouble now! Should I arrest him, boss?
DYLAN:(voice over) I'm telling you, Tucker, I know what I heard.
Cut to Dylan talking to Tucker.
DYLAN:That's definitely not a cloaking device.
TUCKER:Well then what is it?
DYLAN:I don't know! But it most definitely shows that they're not being honest with us.
TUCKER:Maybe they just don't trust the press. Can't blame 'em there.
DYLAN:I'm not some... reality TV host. And I promise that I didn't lead that bounty hunter to you. Can we please just bury the hatchet and focus on what's important?
TUCKER:They haven't given me one single reason not to trust them ,Dylan.
DYLAN:Then explain why they're keeping us in the dark about everything.
TUCKER:They're not! Look, they left me in charge of planning the campaign against the UNSC!
DYLAN:That's a video game.
TUCKER:What? No! It's a tactics simulator. Advanced military stuff.
DYLAN:That's a video game, Tucker.
Cut to reveal Halo Wars 2 playing on Tucker's screens.
TUCKER:...Huh. Well, I guess that explains the micro-transactions.
DYLAN:They're distracting you, Tucker! And where are Carolina and Wash? I heard they'd joined up with us?
TUCKER:They're out gettin' some grub.
DYLAN:She told you that?
TUCKER:Temple did.
DYLAN:So you're seriously telling me that nothing about this place smells fishy to you?
TUCKER:Well, of course it smells fishy.
DYLAN:Figuratively, Tucker! Figuratively fishy! Almost all the doors around here are locked, I can't find a single computer that's networked...If they were being so open why all the secrecy?
TUCKER:I wouldn't want a bunch of random people wandering around my house either! They might steal shit! Or walk into my masturbatorium!
DYLAN:Ugh. What if it's more than that? What if there's stuff they don't want us to see? Ya'know, I don't need your help. I just thought you'd wanna know.
Dylan starts walking away.
TUCKER:Temple's office.
DYLAN:What about it?
TUCKER:He has a networked computer. I've seen it.
DYLAN:Bingo.
TUCKER:Just let me know what you find, okay?
DYLAN:Of course.
Dylan leaves. Cut to Jax and Sarge near a green screen set up.
JAX:Okay, are we ready? Sarge, did you choose a monologue?
SARGE:Of course I'm nervous! Ugh-I mean ready! Of course I'm ready.
JAX:Alright-y then, I will get in position.
SARGE:(beat) I wonder what he meant by "choose"...
Patriotic music starts playing. Cut to Sarge in front of a giant American flag a la "Patton". Camera switches to random angles as Sarge monologues.
SARGE:Remember, Reds. No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country! He won the war, by making the Blue bastard die for his country! Now... should we win today the 4th of July will no longer be known as an american holiday, but as the day the world stood up, in one voice, and said: (scottish accent) You may take our lives, but you will never take our-TRUTH! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! Second place: set of stake knives. Third place: martini...shaken, not stirred.
Patriotic music ends. Cut to Jax awkwardly staring at Sarge.
JAX:Good...that was...great take, um-
Cut back to Sarge. Music resumes. Camera slowly zooms in on Sarge.
SARGE:He's dead, Jim! You're a wizard, Harry! Feel lucky, punk? Say what again! Over the line! Hasta la vista! A great big bushy beard! This. Is. My boomstick! How am I doin'?
JAX:I think we're losing the thread-
SARGE:Cancel the post! City Slickers! Predator! Lazer Team 2!
Music stops. Cut back to Jax.
JAX:Those are just titles, Sarge. And I'm pretty sure you made that last one up.
SARGE:*chuckles* Right. So, did I get the part?
JAX:How 'bout we try some improv?
TEMPLE:(off screen) I've got a better idea.
Cut to reveal Temple, Surge and Bucky nearby.
TEMPLE:Where's the reporter?
SARGE:In her quarters, Sir!
TEMPLE:Wrong. They're empty. You. Shutterbug. Tell me where she is.
JAX:(nervously) Have you gentlemen ever considered a life in show business?
The three aim their guns at Jax.
JAX:I-I-I don't know, I swear!
Cut to Dylan in Temple's office. She accesses the computer only to find a password screen.
DYLAN:*sigh* V.I.C.?...V.I.C.? Goddammit, V.I.C., come on.
The computer installs "VIC.exe". V.I.C. appears onscreen.
V.I.C:Yo yo yo yo? V-I-C-K, what is up, chica mosfina ?
DYLAN:(whispering) Quiet. I need some help.
V.I.C.:Ho ho. Well. Your wish is my command, duderino! This genie is poppin' off the bottle and ready to roll! Watchya need?
DYLAN:I need access to this computer. Can you hack into it?
V.I.C.:Donezo!
The computer transitions to Temple's homepage.
V.I.C.:Wait! Little reminder, dudette. You've got three little wishes before you have to control alt delete me! Off the face of reality! That was the deal.
DYLAN:Yeah yeah, I haven't forgotten.
V.I.C.:Yeah. And this is wish number... Uh wish number...Seems I've got a little gap in the memory circuits. A little uh, erase-a in the cabeza. Ugh wish number...
DYLAN:Wish number two.
V.I.C.:Right! Haha! This is wish number dos! You promised duderino! I don't wanna stand up my date with death. We're takin' the river styx to Disneyland! I'm doin' shots with Anubis, dude! I'm playin' twister with the reaper!
DYLAN:Keep your voice down! Do you a silent mode of something?
V.I.C.'S WORDS APPEAR IN A SKYPE STYLE TEXT BOX:"How's this dude?"
DYLAN:That works.
TEXTBOX:a/s/l?
DYLAN:Knock it off. Are you in?
TEXTBOX:I'm in like there swimware, duderino!
DYLAN:Have you found anything?
TEXTBOX:Whoa dude, dude! You are not gonna believe this, dude OMG.
DYLAN:What is it?
TEXTBOX:It's me! :O
DYLAN:What does that mean?
TEXTBOX:Look!
A video appears obscured by Dylan's head.
CHURCH:(video) *static* This is Church- *static* alpha-*static*
DYLAN:Oh my god...
TEMPLE:Dylan.
DYLAN:Oh no.
Cut to show Temple and Surge approaching her.
TEMPLE:Why am I not surprised?
CHURCH:(video) *static* send help-*static*
TEMPLE:I think it's about time... we had a little chat.
TEXTBOX::(


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 12: Blue vs. Red

Open to several shots of the Desert Gulch as the old Trocadero theme plays. Camera focuses on the Blue base as gunfire is heard. Cut Gene running up to Surge inside the base,
GENE:Sir! They're making another push!
SURGE:Shoot back! Victory is close at hand! Their flag must be around here somewhere.
GENE:But, sir we're completely-
SURGE:"But" nothin'! A soldier follows orders no matter what! Just do what I tell you, son.
GENE:Yes, sir!
Cut to Gene join Cronut atop the base under heavy fire.
GENE:Return fire, Cronut!
CRONUT:With what? We are out of ammo. I'm shooting blanks over here!
GENE:In that case, we'll have to resort to plan B...
The two stand up and start yelling at the Blues.
GENE:YOU SUCK! And you're...bad at math!
CRONUT:Your table manners leave much to be desired!
GENE:You smell like maybe you forgot to wear deodorant today!
CRONUT:Your mother's lasagna is mediocre!
Zoom out to the Blues watching.
BUCKY:They're attempting to insult us, sir.
TEMPLE:Yeah, I fuckin' noticed. This oughta shut 'em up.
Temple fires a sniper shot right between the two reds, who then take cover.
BUCKY:Ooh! Let me try!
TEMPLE:Not happening, dude.
BUCKY:Oh come on! How come you always get the sniper rifle?
TEMPLE:Because your too busy getting the prisoner...Also because go fuck yourself.
Cut to Lorenzo's head as stereotypical Italian music plays.
GENE:Mama mia! They got Lorenzo!
LORENZO:Questa non è la mia Domenica perfetta. (This is not my perfect Sunday.)
TEMPLE:That's right! We got you fuckin' robot! So, give us back our base or we smash the Goomba!
GENE:Whoa, dude! That's super racist!
TEMPLE:What? No it isn't!
BUCKY:It is kinda racist, dude.
TEMPLE:No, a Goomba! Like in Mario!
LORENZO:E 'ancora razzista. (It's still racist.)
TEMPLE:Whatever! Everyone, shut up or we're all gonna find out what kind of filling is inside this canoli !
BUCKY:Ugh. Not better.
GENE:Oh no, what are we gonna do? Ideas! Anybody?
UNKNOWN:(off screen) Hey,I've got one.
Cut to reveal an unknown orange soldier.
ORANGE SOLDIER:If you guys had to get shot somewhere in your body where would you do it?
GENE:Not now, Biff! We're in the middle of a war!
BIFF:It's a legit question, dudes.
CRONUT:How 'bout the pinky toe? That little piggy's had it coming for ages.
BIFF:No way! All the nerves in your whole body end in your toes, idiot. I wanna take a bullet, not feel pain.
Surge runs up and joins the group.
SURGE:Blue bastards have hidden their flag somthin' fierce.
GENE:And they've got Lorenzo, sir!
SURGE:Blast! We can't let 'em keep the robot. I've hid all our top-secret battle station plans in that droid! We'll have to hold out for reinforcements. How's our ammo?
Gene and Cronut exchange a worried look. Cut to Surge addressing the Blues.
SURGE:Listen up, you dirty blue bastards! Red team is willing to graciously and selflessly open negotiations. Your base are belong to us! Surrender now and we may spare your meaningless lives!
TEMPLE:(mumbling) Christ this song again...(to Reds) Who's the negotiator?
SURGE:Me!
TEMPLE:No deal ! All of your past parlays have ending with literal back-stabbing. Send someone else!
SURGE:How about Biff? He's expendable if the talks break down.
TEMPLE:Yeah, whatever...
Cut to Temple and Biff talking in no mans land.
BIFF:The butt? Seriously? That's right next to my jingo-jangos, bullets splinter.
TEMPLE:How about the arm?
BIFF:Arteries.
TEMPLE:Ooh, the ear?
BIFF:What? Sorry, I can't hear you because some idiot shot my ear off! No way! *growls* There's gotta be some body part that's expendable.
TEMPLE:You just need to get shot in the appendix.
BIFF:If only I were a book...
SURGE:Psst! Biff! Stab-hay him-lay in the back m'kay?
TEMPLE:(beat) Was that supposed to be pig latin?
BUCKY:Can you please wrap this up, Temple!? Preferably before they find my masturbatorium!
Temple and Biff just stare.
TEMPLE:Stop it, man.
BIFF:Stop what?
TEMPLE:Your staring at me.
BIFF:Am not.
TEMPLE:Are too. I know what your thinking.
BIFF:No you don't.
TEMPLE:This is all my fault.
BIFF:I didn't- look I didn't say a thing.
TEMPLE:Well you're right, okay? I'm guilty.
BIFF:Okay, yeah. Can we talk about this later? Everyone's staring at us.
TEMPLE:Fine.
Awkward silence.
BIFF:Ugh, Trade you a base for a robot?
TEMPLE:Yeah, dude.
Cut to a Temple telling the story in the present day. With Dylan and Jax as a captive audience.
TEMPLE:It was the same damn shit with the same damn idiots. We get a thing, they steal the thing. We get a tank, they blow it up. It was like living in a fuckin' Loony Toons cartoon. We didn't know it yet... But all that was about to change.
Cut to the Blue base at night, back in the flashback. Temple comes out of the base and walks out towards the rocks.
LOCO:(off screen) Halt!
Loco is seen on top of the base aiming at Temple.
LOCO:Who goes there?
TEMPLE:It's me! Goin' on patrol.
LOCO:No. You're talking to you best friend!
TEMPLE:What?
LOCO:Me!
TEMPLE:Oh right. Yeah, of course I am. Loco, why don't you get some sleep.
LOCO:Heh, okay! *snoring*
TEMPLE:Whatever...
Temple keeps walking.
LOCO:(sleep talking) Leave me alone, sky puppet...
Cut to Temple standing alone in the rocky area.
BIFF:(off screen) Heads up!
Temple turns and catches a can of beer thrown by Biff.
TEMPLE:Holy fuck! Where the hell'd you get one of these?
Cut to Biff approaching, six pack in hand.
BIFF:Shore leave. Drink up, (Surge impression) ya damn dirty blue.
Cut to the two stand by a bonfire.
BIFF:(beat) You remember Pearson's class? History, freshman year?
TEMPLE:Uh...I remember someone drawing dicks on my notebook every time I went to the bathroom.
BIFF:*laughs* Yeah, and then he'd do those notebook checks. The look on your stupid face.
TEMPLE:*laughing* Fuckin' asshole. What are bringin' that up for?
BIFF:Georgina was in that class. You know? That's where we first met.
TEMPLE:Oh yeah and it took you two years to finally ask her out. That was a fun day.
BIFF:Fun, Right. Yeah, you managed to unite the entire fucking cafeteria in a slow clap, you jackass.
TEMPLE:*laughs* (beat) We should've joined the fuckin' coast guard.
BIFF:Yup.
TEMPLE:I bet the coast guard doesn't divide it's people into teams and have them shoot at each other with loaded assault rifles.
BIFF:Actually, they do they just use harpoon guns instead.
TEMPLE:What?
DYLAN:(voice over) So, you two were friends before the service.
Cut back to present day.
DYLAN:(cont'd) You knew each other?
TEMPLE:Yeah, that's right. We grew up together. We enlisted together. "Buddy team" they called it. Freelancer overlooked that fact when they assigned us to opposite teams in the same canyon. We found that fact out later.
DYLAN:Was that at the Freelance-
TEMPLE:This isn't an interview, Dylan Andrews! Shut the fuck up and listen! (beat) The conversation turned to the same place it always did...
Cut back to the past.
BIFF:You ever wonder what the fuck we're doing here?
TEMPLE:Like, all the goddamn time! I figure it's gotta be some super important government shit. Some, like critical testing stuff. When we get out, there's gonna be medals, awards and fucking parades for us, dude.
BIFF:For you. Not for me, I'm getting out soon.
TEMPLE:Yeah?
BIFF:Yeah, medical discharge.
TEMPLE:For real?
BIFF:I'm not fuckin' with you.
TEMPLE:This situation is garbage enough to begin with, but at least we're in it together-
BIFF:We're in it against each other in case you hadn't noticed.
TEMPLE:You know what I mean! I would never do that to you...
BIFF:(beat) Red team had shore leave awhile back and I snuck back to Earth. Went AWOL, stowed away on a transport.
TEMPLE:For real?
BIFF:Yeah, it wasn't easy but I had to see Georgina.
TEMPLE:Keeping the old flame alive. So, wait she hasn't moved on?
BIFF:No dude, it's super serious between us. That's why I've gotta get back. I don't wanna say you owe me one but-
TEMPLE:Yeah,yeah I'm the only reason you're fuckin' here. Ya'know if I had frequent flyer miles for every one of your guilt trips I could cover your entire trip back to Earth.
BIFF:So, you're in?
TEMPLE:The way I see it, it's my job to shoot you anyway. Might even give me a medal for this.
BIFF:That's the spirit! So brass tacks. My pinky finger. I need you to shoot it off. I've thought it over a lot and that's gonna be my best bet.
TEMPLE:Done. I've been waiting to shoot you since we were kids.
Temple draws his magnum.
BIFF:Wait, not now! We need witnesses, reports and shit. I'm gonna need the pension when I get out.
TEMPLE:I could shoot you now for practice.
BIFF:Great idea...
TEMPLE:I figure we can try a whole bunch of places and you tell me what hurts the least.
BIFF:Brilliant.
TEMPLE:Semi-automatic or full auto?
BIFF:Riddle me with holes!
TEMPLE:Oh, thank god I brought along those explosive rounds.
BIFF:Hmmm. What are friends for?
TEMPLE:(voice over) The plan was simple: Biff gets hurt. Gets a medical discharge. Sent straight back home. But you know what they say...
Cut to the Mother of Invention approaching the planet.
TEMPLE:(voice over, cont'd) No plan survives first contact with the enemy.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 13: Blue vs. Red - Part 2

Open to the Mother of Invention in orbit of Armada 8. Cut to Carolina standing at attention behind the Directer on the bridge.
DIRECTOR:At ease, Carolina. You've performed well recently.
CAROLINA:I can do better. Just give me another chance. I promise you won't have to call in Te-
DIRECTOR:We don't always get what we want out of life. However, in this instance, I am prepared to oblige your request.
CAROLINA:Thank you, sir. Ready for mission briefing.
DIRECTOR:You will lead a team of inexperienced soldiers in a game of-
CAROLINA:A game!? You can't be serious?
DIRECTOR:It's not about the game. It's about those you'll be working with. In war, one is not always so fortunate as to choose their allies. It will also act as a field test for several pieces of prototype technology.
CAROLINA:With all due respect, I doubt I'll ever be fighting a war alongside Red and Blue idiots, sir.
DIRECTOR:That is your final interruption! You will lead your team against another agent's soldiers. The game, if you're curious, is my personal favorite: Capture the Flag.
CAROLINA:Who's the other Agent?
Cut to a pelican descending to the planets surface.
FOUR-SEVEN-NINER:(off screen) I'm counting on you, Carolina.
Cut to Carolina and Four-Seven-niner within the ship.
CAROLINA:That so?
FOUR-SEVEN-NINER:Oh, hell yeah! There's good action on this fight. Even good guy Wash put a bet down!
CAROLINA:What's my over-under?
FOUR- SEVEN-NINER:Four to one.
CAROLINA:Not too shabby.
FOUR-SEVEN-NINER:Ah. No, that's four to one against. No offense. That woman is a killing machine! Remember what she did to York, Wyoming and Maine. Don't worry though, I got your back.
CAROLINA:Thanks for the vote of confidence...
FOUR-SEVEN-NINER:What can I say? Always a sucker for Blue team.
Cut to Carolina briefing Temple's Blues.
CAROLINA:You what!?
TEMPLE:We dug a hole, and then we put the flag in the hole. And then we covered the hole. That last part was my idea.
CAROLINA:( frustrated) What possessed you to do something so stupid?
BUCKEY:What's the big deal? We did good!
CAROLINA:We need both flags to win the game, you moron! Where is it? Where did you bury it!?
TEMPLE:Oh, we have no idea.
CAROLINA:What!?
BUCKEY:That's why we made a map.
CAROLINA:Where's the map?
TEMPLE:Oh, we have no idea.
CAROLINA:You lost the map...
BUCKEY:It's more like we forgot where we put the map.
LOCO:But it's okay! I made a new flag! This one's much better!
Cut to the "new flag" which is only a pair of blue underwear on a pole.
LOCO:I like to make things...
TEMPLE:By the way, I don't remember ever calling command for a Freelancer?
CAROLINA:Stow it! We're going loud in 5...
Carolina readies her rifle and walks away.
BUCKEY:(beat) What do you think she means by "loud"?
Cut to Carolina and the Blues in the middle of a firefight.
TEMPLE:Medium or well done!?
CAROLINA:Stop yelling! And it's not a steak, you moron. It's a maneuver. And you two-
BUCKEY:My name is-
CAROLINA:Don't fucking care! Tweedledee and Tweedledum, lay down suppressing fire!
LOCO:I can't! I left the matches back at base!
Carolina returns fire.
TEMPLE:Geez! Careful, you're gonna hit someone!
CAROLINA:Shut up! (looking off screen) You ! Over there! Are you with us or them?
Cut to Doc standing on the sidelines.
DOC:Sorry, ma'm. I am neither Red nor Blue. I'm simply observing and administering first aid should the need-
TEMPLE:INCOMING!
CAROLINA:What is it?
TEMPLE:Kinda looks like a puma to me...
Cut to a warthog, driven by Lorenzo, launching into the air towards the Blue position. Carolina jumps onto Temple and Buckey's shoulders, launching herself into the air to meet it.
TEMPLE & BUCKEY:OW! Hey!
Carolina grabs onto the hood of the warthog (which is playing Italian music), and climbs onto the roof above a surprised Lorenzo. Carolina grabs the robot by the shoulders.
LORENZO:Mi dispiace... mi hanno fatto- (I'm sorry... they made me-)
Carolina flings Lorenzo out of his seat. He disappears into the sky complete with a Team Rocket-esque sound effect. The warthog lands behind the Blues with Carolina in the drivers seat.
CAROLINA:Let's try one-syllable orders this time.
Cut to the group charging towards Red base with Carolina's warthog in the lead.
BLUE TEAM:CHAAARGE!
Cut to the Red position where Cronut fires a rocket at the jeep. The Blues scatter.
BLUE TEAM:RETREAT!!!
CAROLINA:Oh, forget 'em...
Carolina jumps into the air as the rocket hits the jeep. She somersaults onto Surge's shoulders, using him as a platform to roundhouse kick Gene. Knocking the latter out of frame. As she comes to the ground, Surge tries to block her attacks with his shotgun. She disarms him before slamming the butt of the weapon into his face.
With Surge knocked out, Cronut readies his rocket launcher in the background. Carolina simply throws the shotgun into Cronut's face, who stumbles for a moment before collapsing. Carolina then slowly approaches Biff, who is struggling to reload his weapon.
BIFF:Oh, fuck this!
Biff wildly shoots at Carolina, who effortless dodges before drop-punching a terrified Biff in the face. Cronut recovers and managers to fire a rocket at the Freelancer. Carolina catches the rocket mid- air, uses it as lift over the Red base and finally twist it back at Cronut , who is incapacitated by the explosion.
Cut to Carolina on top of the base, as Tex suddenly appears behind her. Carolina dodges her rival's sucker-punch before kicking her a short distance away.
CAROLINA:Well, if it isn't the great state herself. I was wondering where you were hiding.
Tex silently cracks her knuckles and neck.
CAROLINA:(limbering up) Hand over the flag. And I promise not to do any permanent damage.
TEX:(voice filter) Shut up and fight.
CAROLINA:(tauntingly) Nice voice box, Optimus. You get that in a crackerjack box?
The two enter into a typically choreographed fist fight. Cut to the Reds watching from below.
BIFF:Holy Mother of awesome, look at them.
The Blues run over and join them.
BUCKEY:Yo, Reds! Are we still fighting or...Holy shit?
SURGE:Alright, men! New plan: let those two pummel each other to death.
TEMPLE:The only thing that would make this better is some music.
BIFF:Oh, I got it. I just upgraded the base's sound system. Shelly, play "action mix".
Cut to the fight as slow, dramatic music plays over it.
BUCKEY:Too slow. Okay, Shelly, play something faster!
The fight continues as faster, Jeff Williams sounding action music plays.
BIFF:Yeah, yeah. Personally not my taste.
LOCO:I think it's neat!
SURGE:Let's try somethin' old school. Okay, Shelly, play some Springsteen!
Carolina starts taking a beating to the tune of a Bruce Springsteen song.
CAROLINA:(to Blues and Reds) Will you assholes knock it off!
LOCO:Okay, Shelly, shuffle!
A Harry Potter audiobook begins playing over the fight. Carolina goes down, but recovers in time to see Tex running for the Blue base.
"Chapter 14
  Harry and his friends walked through the crowded office of their headmaster. "But Professor," Harry said.  "that leaves four more horcruxes left to find."
  "Of course you're right, Harry."  Dumbledore said with a gentle stroke of his bushy white beard.  "But He-who-shall-not-be-named will not know we're coming."
The scar on Harry's head begin to throb, as if a hot iron was being pressed against his forehead.  "It's HIM!" he said.  It's happening again!""
Cut to Tex grabbing the Blue "flag" as Carolina enters the room behind her.
CAROLINA:End of the line.
The two keep fighting, this time flag vs. stun baton. Biff and Temple arrive on the scene.
BIFF:Alright, this it. (holding out pinky finger). You ready?
TEMPLE:I-I dunno if this is such a good idea, man!
BIFF:C'mon, Mark, this is great. We'll get those Freelancer chicks to notice, they'll put in their report- It's the only way.
TEMPLE:Dude, are you sure? I'm a terrible shot.
Temple aims his magnum.
BIFF:Come on, dude, hurry!
Temple aims for a moment the gives up.
TEMPLE:I can't do it! Look, you're just gonna have to serve out your tour like the rest of us.
Biff lowers his pinky.
BIFF:*sigh* Mark, you know how I said I saw Georgina while I was on shore leave?
TEMPLE:Yeah.
BIFF:Well she's expecting, man!
TEMPLE:Expecting what?
BIFF:Biff Junior!
TEMPLE:Aw, are you serious?
The Freelancers' fight gradually move closer behind Biff as he talks.
BIFF:Yeah dude, that's why I need to get out. I'm gonna be a father and maybe a husband if thing go that way-
Biff screams as Carolina abruptly pulls him into the fight as a human shield.
TEMPLE:Jesus! STOP IT!!
Temple tackles Carolina from behind as Tex beats Biff.
As Carolina wrestles him off, Tex seizes the chance to make off with the flag. Carolina throws Temple aside and pulls out a magnum.
CAROLINA:Get off my flag, bitch!
Carolina fires, but the shot bounces harmlessly off the back of Tex's helmet. Tex pauses and turns to face the other agent.
TEX:(voice filter) You want it so bad? You can have it.
Tex javelin-throws the flag pole at Carolina only to have the latter deflect it with her wrist.
BIFF:(off screen) *grunts in pain*
TEMPLE:(off screen) NO!
Cut to Biff impaled against the wall by the flagpole as Temple stares, mortified.
TEMPLE:MEDIC!
Temple rushes to his friends aid, unsure of what to do.
TEMPLE:(to freelancers) Somebody help me!!!!
Carolina walks over and shoves him aside.
CAROLINA:This isn't about you.
Carolina grabs hold of the flag only to be punched across the room by Tex.
TEX:(voice filter) Game over.
Tex proceeds to yank the flag out of Biff's stomach, causing his blood to spray across Temple's visor.
NOTE:Youtube subtitles say: *parallels the first episode, huh?*
Temple kneels by Biff.
TEMPLE:Hold on buddy. I'm gonna get you help.
BIFF:...Going...home...
Zoom out to show the other Blues and Reds gathered around the scene. Fade to scenes of Recovery agents investigating the canyon.
COUNSELOR:(voice over) Red team wins. I am concerned, however...
DIRECTOR:(voice over) Her aggression. Make a note of it.
COUNSELOR:It's already done.
DIRECTOR:Good. Send in the retrieval team and then pull the files on those simulation troopers.
COUNSELOR:Sir?
DIRECTOR:Before today they were the only teams still locked in total stalemate. I want their team compositions noted in case we need to recreate a similar scenario.
COUNSELOR:Understood, sir.
Cut back to Temple in the present.
TEMPLE:The time has come to kill the masters. The Freelancers to start, but that's not where this story ends.
JAX:Pretty good story, Temple. Now, tell me, how would you feel about some constructive feedback?
DYLAN:Jax, shut up!!
JAX:I mean, I gonna be honest with you. The whole "pregnant girlfriend / about to retire" thing is about as cliche as it gets. What if, instead, he's your twin broth-
Jax does his Wilhelm scream as Temple shoots him in the shin.
TEMPLE:Years later...the orders stopped coming and we left our gulch in search of answers. We found them in an abandoned Freelancer outpost. We discovered records, showing that the very military we enlisted in sold us like slaves to Project Freelancer. We were their pawns. But the thing I love about chess is that sometimes... pawns kill kings.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 14: True Colors

Cut to an overhead view of Caboose talking as Loco works on his device.
CABOOSE:...Yeah, so I was in the middle of a story and then our ship crashed and Washington said we were marooned, but everyone looked like their normal colors to me, so I think he probably just had a concussion.
LOCO:(off-screen) Wow! This story is awesome!
CABOOSE:Yeah, and then I found Freckles, and did you find any double A batteries?
Loco appears form behind the machine.
LOCO:I asked, sorry, no luck. Then what happened on singing planet?
CABOOSE:Eh, well then these pirates showed up.
LOCO:Pirates!? No...way! Did they have a lot of peg-legs?
CABOOSE:No, but one of them had a shark for a face.
LOCO:(beat) This is the best story in the history of stories. Why were the pirates there?
CABOOSE:They were probably after Tucker's family jewels. Cause, ya know he's always talking about how valuable they are and how everyone badly wants them...so it makes sense.
LOCO:They didn't get them though, right? I hope there's a happy ending.
CABOOSE:Yeah,well this company Shargon infinity showed up, and then they made all freckles brothers and sisters...like, super bitchy. And then of course, Church had to die to save us all.
LOCO:(beat) Your best friend died?
CABOOSE:No it's okay, it happens all the time.
LOCO:That-that-that is the saddest ending ever.
CABOOSE:Yep and that's why we're all going to go rescue him.
LOCO:...Right. You should be able to see your best friend. Maybe I can help! Hmm...what if I could show you a door?
CABOOSE:Ah, you want me to leave.
LOCO:No, it's not a "door" door. It's DOOOOR. Doors go to places, but not all doors. (whispering) This would be a special door.
CABOOSE:Ah, so like a window.
LOCO:...eh-
CABOOSE:-but with longer.
LOCO:No, not really.
CABOOSE:Oh, so more like a sunroof.
LOCO:Eeeeehhhh...no.
CABOOSE:Aaaahhh! Yes, like a metaphor! Only I can walk through it.
LOCO:Warmer, but that's not really what I had in mind.
CABOOSE:So, like a metaphor for a-
LOCO:No!
CABOOSE:-that will take me through a journey! Where I will learn a lesson!
LOCO:Colder.
CABOOSE:And there will be a payoff...And then everyone will love me!
LOCO:Y-yes! That's it! Except, not at all.
CABOOSE:Wher-wher-where would it go?
LOCO:Getting warmer... You see, it's not about "where". See, once the quantum matrix synchronizes with the nano-chrono-meters, then the entire wormhole will resonate backwards. Then we'll just need trajectories.
CABOOSE:Ah, words. Yes, you're pretty smart, aren't you?
LOCO:Eh...I just imagine things and build what I see.
CABOOSE:Ah, so you didn't go to school for any of this?
Loco walks behind the machine.
LOCO:No, actually, I was raised by wolves...in the forest. They were much more into homeschooling.
Loco starts drilling the machine, and Caboose looks to the side of the room in thought.
Cut to Sarge laying on a couch.
SARGE:Well, that's a hard question you asked there my friend. Don't rightly know what it is I'm feeling at the moment. I suppose... old.
Lopez is standing in the middle of the room.
LOPEZ:Realmente no quiero escuchar esto. 
CAPTION:I really don't want to hear this.
SARGE:(laughs) Heh. Well, I know I still look like a spring chicken, cluck-cluck. But, I'm actually more like a rooster who's lost his teeth. I don't rightly know how many more choices I have to go out in a heroic blaze of glory.
LOPEZ:Por favor alto. 
CAPTION:Please stop.
SARGE:You don't need to remind me. Sarge's war on gravity. Sarge's war on whites! It's all hogwash, Lopez, hogwash I tell ya! But, I'm a soldier and soldier's need conflict, orders, a chain of command! Now these Blues and Reds come along and offer me everything? It's almost too good to be true.
LOPEZ:¿Por qué no tomar golf? ¿O ganchillo? ¿O un segundo idioma? 
CAPTION:Why not just take up golf? Or crochet? (slowly) Or a second language?
Simmons sighs off screen.
Cut to Simmons laying on a coach.
SIMMONS:Yeah, you're right. I thought I was looking for someone like me, but now I don't know what to think. You know, maybe friends are like magnets after all. I was so mad at him for so long, but now I don't know. I mostly feel... Regret? Like, is he MC Skat Kat and I'm Paula Abdul?
LOPEZ:¿Por qué, de todos los tiempos, son idiotas eligiendo hablar conmigo ahora? 
CAPTION:Why, of all times, are you idiots choosing to talk to me now?
SARGE:You know, Lopez. That is a fantastic point! An opportunity like this is a rare thing indeed! Like they say, don't go staring a gift horse in the mouth. Or a Trojan horse in the butt. Hopeless odds, sneak attacks, field promotions? This is a dream come true.
Sarge stands up from the couch.
SARGE:I know what I have to do, and that is to be a soldier, damn it! YOLO!
LOPEZ:¿Por qué no podría haber nacido Roomba? 
CAPTION:Why couldn't I have been born a Roomba?
DONUT:(offscreen) How does it make me feel? Well...
Cut to Donut laying on a couch next to Simmons.
DONUT:Sometimes I feel like people barely acknowledge my presence. I'm like a fabulous ghost.
Tucker storms into the room.
TUCKER:Yo, what the fuck are you Reds doing? We scheduled a secret meeting, and you're all taking naps?
SIMMONS:Well, Tucker, maybe I was feeling... Lazy?
TUCKER:Are you... Are you "grif-ing" me right now? Is he "grif-ing" me right now?
DONUT:Oh, now you wanna talk to me!
Cut to giant fish swimming beside the Blues and Reds' base.
TUCKER:Okay, guys. Listen up. Now, I don't want to alarm anyone, but I've put a lot of thought into our current situation and I've come to the conclusion that something weird might be going on around here.
Cut to Lopez, Caboose, Tucker, Simmons, Donut, and Doc huddled together.
LOPEZ:No mierda, Sherlock. 
CAPTION:No shit, Sherlock.
DOC:Really? I don't know. Everything seems perfectly normal to me.
TUCKER:If everything's normal, then where the heck are Carolina and Wash?
SIMMONS:Huh, Gene said they went out this morning to buy shoelaces. And there was a really long pause before he finally said "shoelaces". And we're wearing boots.
TUCKER:That's suspicious.
LOPEZ:Brillante deduccion. 
CAPTION:Brilliant deduction.
SIMMONS:Well, I definitely don't trust that Gene guy. Anyone who's acting that squeaky clean must have some deep dark secrets.
TUCKER:Dylan was the only one looking into this, and I haven't seen her since.
DONUT:Oh, the reporter? She's tied up in the basement!
TUCKER:She's WHAT?!
DONUT:She's tied up. I saw her while Cronut was showing me his fur-suits.
SIMMONS:Wait, are you serious?! Why the hell didn't you say something sooner?!
DONUT:I didn't know you cared!See, Cronut's more of a fox, while I'm naturally a wolf.
TUCKER:Not the fur-suits, Donut. The reporter!
DONUT:Who knows what she's into? I'm not a kink-shamer!
DOC:Don't worry about her. Heard she and Jax are just remaking Pulp Fiction. That's all.
TUCKER:Hmm. What about you, Caboose? You're spending all your time with Loco. Any idea what the heck he's building?
CABOOSE:Um, it's a door and a laser. Y'know, sometimes he starts explaining it but then he starts-he starts-he starts laughing, and keeps laughing, and-
Caboose mimics Loco's evil laughter.
CABOOSE:Y'know, it's a metaphor.
TUCKER:That is suspicious as fuck.
DOC:But, guys-
TUCKER:No! That's the last straw. I hate to even suggest this, but it's time we found out if the Blues and Reds are actually bad guys.
SIMMONS:But, how?
TUCKER:Subtlety, my dear Simmons. Subtlety.
SIMMONS:Not exactly our specialty, is it?
TUCKER:Watch and learn.
Cut to the Reds and Blues facing the Blues and Reds.
TUCKER:Are you bad guys?
TEMPLE:Well, that's all a matter of perspective, isn't it Tucker?
TUCKER:Ha, gotcha! That's exactly the kind of things bad guys say! Oh, holy shit. You're really bad guys, aren't you?
TEMPLE:No. What we're doing is right, Tucker. I know you would see that by now. We are simply planning revenge on those who used us, those who turned us into training dummies for super soldier target practice!
SIMMONS:Project Freelancer.
TUCKER:We already dealt with them, if you didn't get the memo.
TEMPLE:(laughs) No. You're wrong about that. Everyone in this room was drafted or volunteered to fight for the UNSC. They sold us to Project Freelancer like cattle. They used us, they destroyed our lives, and they haven't been made to pay for what they've done. Don't you give a shit about that?
SIMMONS:Eh, water under the bridge.
SARGE:Men, don't you see this for what is it? It's an opportunity to fight a war we can't possibly win! It's everything we've always wanted!
TUCKER:Is it a pair of Scandinavian twin sisters in a waterbed? Cause otherwise, no it ain't.
BUCKEY:Boom chicka wow-
TUCKER:Shut up! Listen, Temple. You obviously love the sound of your own voice, so why don't you use it to tell its where the fuck our friends are?
TEMPLE:You all have such an interesting choice of friends, don't you? Your Freelancer buddies are killers, and we're dealing with them appropriately - for our own safety.
TUCKER:Oh, you backstabbing son of a bitch?
TEMPLE:Backstabbing? Take a look in the mirror! Your teams were used and beat up by Freelancers, same as us, and you make friends with them! Your teams were used and sold by the UNSC, same as us, and you posed for their fucking photo ops! You're the traitors, you're the villains, you fucking cockbites!
TUCKER:Shut the fuck up, and prepare to eat sword!
LOCO:Hey, why is everyone fighting? I thought we were friends!
TEMPLE:Sorry Tucker, but I can't let you kill me. I still have important business on Earth.
TUCKER:Don't give a fuck. I'm going to kill you so hard, you'll wish you were dead.
Tucker activates his energy sword. The Blues and Reds aim their guns.
TEMPLE:Hold your fire. Let's try the easy way first.
SARGE:Simmons, Lopez. For the sake of their own safety, I order you to take the Blues under arrest!
SIMMONS:What?
TUCKER:Stand your ground. We saved Chorus. We shut down Freelancer. We can handle a handful of Sim trooper clowns.
TEMPLE:*laughs* You can't win. We're stronger than you. Just give in. Tucker: Yeah. You and what army?
TEMPLE:So glad you asked.
SURGE:Reds assemble! Blues deploy!
(trumpets play as the Zealots enter)
GRUNTS:Glory! Our day of victory draws near! Surrender now or face our holy vengeance!
SIMMONS:God damn it. Every time we say that they always end up having an army!
TUCKER:Son of a bitch.
TEMPLE:As you can see we haven't just been tracking down Freelancers. You know your teams, ironically, are the only Reds and Blues left who have yet to join us. You know, I truly did admire you all once, so I'll offer you one final chance.
Doc leaves the Reds and Blues to join Temple.
TUCKER:The fuck are you doing, Doc?
DOC:Give it up, Tucker.
TUCKER:What? Doc? We've been through so much!
DOC:We sure have! You guys used me as a bargaining chip in Blood Gulch, before you got bored and cast me out to live in a cave! Then you left me to the mercy of the Meta, then you abandoned me in Valhalla, then you didn't even notice when I got sucked into another dimension on Chorus, and *O'Malley voice* nearly lost my *coughs* sorry something in my throat - nearly lost my mind.
SIMMONS:No way, when did that happen?
DOC:My point exactly! You guys treat me like a leper. Just hoping some time in the brig might teach you some manners.
TUCKER:Fuck it. I don't need any of you.
Gun cock, Simmons is pointing his gun at Tucker.
SIMMONS:Drop it, Tucker.
TUCKER:Ah, goddamnit. I thought you were Simmons again.
SIMMONS:I am Simmons. Drop the gun.
Gun cock, Caboose is pointing his gun too
TUCKER:Caboose? What the fuck?
CABOOSE:Oh, I'm sorry. Is this just something we're not all doing now?
RED GRUNT:GG everyone, GG.
The Reds and Blues are now being taken away, Surge in front of them and Sarge behind them.
TUCKER:You assholes are un-fuckin'-believable.
SARGE:Quiet prisoner.
TUCKER:We fought alongside each other for fucking years. How can you just turn your backs on us like this?
SARGE:It's like Temple said. You're turning your back on us! We've got a war to win, Blue, and until you're ready to play ball we're sticking you in the dugout! Only this dugout's got steel bars, and a toilet in plain view of everyone.
SIMMONS:Yeah, that's right.
TUCKER:You, Simmons. You're the worst of all. Didn't you hear a word in there?
SIMMONS:I only heard my orders, you dirty Blue.
SARGE (TO SURGE):Did I ever tell you about the time I got recruited to join the ODST?
SIMMONS:Psst.
TUCKER:Psst yourself.
SIMMONS:No, psst, Tucker, I'm still a good guy I'm just acting bad.
TUCKER:Wait, really?
SIMMONS:Yeah dude, those people are evil as fuck. I figured our chance of escape would be better if I played along.
TUCKER:Ohhhhh. ,Great idea.
CABOOSE:Oh yeah! We're pretending we're bad guys until you give us the signal. Simmons, you are so smart.
SARGE:Say what now?
SURGE:What did he say?
SIMMONS:Oh, Caboose!
CABOOSE:Is that the signal?
Elevator dings.
SIMMONS:Run!
The Reds and Blues run through another corridor
SARGE:Where are you guys going? The dugout's the other way!
TUCKER:Quick, in here!
Once all pass through, Tucker closes a door in front of Sarge and Surge.
TUCKER:Dammit, there's no lock!
Simmons shoots the control panel
CABOOSE:Hooray, we are trapped!
TUCKER:Fuck, dead end.
SIMMONS:Great idea ducking in here!
TUCKER:We didn't have a choice, asshole!
SARGE:I order you idiots to open this door!
SIMMONS:You don't get to give orders if you're on the bad guys side.
SARGE:Damn. I didn't concede to that.
TUCKER:Ah, we're screwed!
SIMMONS:Let's just think about this, Tucker. There's got to be something we can use.
CABOOSE:Yeah, like if there was only something that happened to be behind all these torpedoes!
SIMMONS:Torpedoes? Holy shit torpedoes! Long range, too - they must be the Base of Defence's!
A blowtorch is starting to burn through the door
LOPEZ:Bueno, esto sente bien familiar. 
CAPTION:Well this feels familiar.
TUCKER:Oh great, so we can blow up the place. That doesn't exactly improve our situation!
SIMMONS:We need to call for help.
TUCKER:Who're we gonna call? The fucking ghostbusters?
CABOOSE:That is a great idea! Who are those people?
SIMMONS:Come on, give me a hand, Tucker. We need to write a note, but I don't see anything to write on!
CABOOSE:Ooh! Send me.
SIMMONS:You won't fit! If we remove the warhead, we'll only have about a basketball's worth of space in here. Ugh, we're screwed!
A door has been "opened" by the blowtorches wielded by Sarge and Surge
SARGE:Freeze! Hehe, That was the most pathetic excuse for an escape that I've ever seen! Simmons, I expected better from you.
Lopez's decapitated body is sitting next to a door
SURGE:What the Sam Hill did you do to your robot?
A torpedo is seen firing from the ocean, Lopez's head taped to its head.
LOPEZ:Mieeeeeeerdaaaaaa! 
CAPTION:Shhhhiiiiittt!


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 15: Objects in Space

Open to space, the camera showing numerous galaxies and planets. As the camera pans over a red planet with rings, Lopez speaks.
LOPEZ:Espacio... de la última frontera. Estos son los viajes de la Nave Espacial López. 
CAPTION:Space... the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Lopez. 
The camera pans to the left to reveal Lopez's flying head.
LOPEZ:Es misión continua: explorar nuevos mundos extraños... buscar nueva vida y nuevas civilizaciones... 
CAPTION:It's continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds... to seek out new life and new civilizations...
The camera pans around to the back of Lopez's head.
LOPEZ:Para ir audazmente donde ningún robot ha ido antes. 
CAPTION:To boldly go where no robot has gone before.
Lopez's head takes off like a spaceship as mock movie credits roll. Lopez's head is abruptly abducted.
LOPEZ:¿Que? 
CAPTION:What the?
Cut to Lopez's head being dropped on the floor of a ship.
LOPEZ:¿Que esta pasando? ¿Quién está ahí? 
CAPTION:What's going on? Who's there?
Locus decloaks behind him.
LOPEZ:Ayuda. 
CAPTION:Help.
Cut to various scenes of the place the Reds and Blues were at before leaving for Church.
GRIF:Listen, Simmons. Shh. I got.. some things to say. To you. Some things that I gotta get off my chest buddy! (whispering to himself) Buddy? Nah. Not buddy. Stupid. Friend? Friend. No, friend! Definitely friend. (back to regular tone) Anyway! I've had a bit of time to think about some things. Lots of time actually. Oodles of time! Oodles of buckets of times of time. Tiempo de Mucho. Mucho de Tiempo! Now, listen, Simmons. (to himself, again) Sim-mons. Sim- Cinnamon. Similaria- Gaah! Focus, Grif! (back to Simmons) Now, things ended really bad out there, buddy, (to himself) no, friend! (back to Simmons) and I've been thinking. Thinking, thinking, thinking. I need to tell you that I am super duper- uh, I am so incredibly--
Cut to a volleyball, with Simmons's helmet poorly drawn onto it. Supposedly gold aluminum taped on for the visor.
GRIF, IN A MOCK-SIMMONS VOICE:Hungry? You're hungry, aren't you?
Cut back to Grif.
GRIF:No, Simmons, I'm not hungry! That's not what I'm trying to say. What I'm trying to say, is that I'm-
VOLLEYBALL SIMMONS:Thirsty? Glug glug.
GRIF:No! What I am trying to say is that I am incredibly-
Cut to another volleyball, this time with Sarge's helmet.
GRIF, IN A MOCK-SARGE VOICE:Lazy? Good-for-nothin'? Waste of fatty tissue and brain cells?
GRIF:Not now, Sarge! I'm trying to talk to Simmons. It's important.
VOLLEYBALL SARGE:Not as important as your job, Grif! Y'know you're supposed to be on guard duty, ahurk-ahurk-ahurr.
GRIF:Sarge, we've covered this! Technically, I am on break.
VOLLEYBALL SARGE:It's not every week that commands sees fit to send us the latest'n'greatest in invisible hover-tank technology, Grif! Instead'a guardin' it, you're over there playin' grab-ass with Private Dick Simmons!
GRIF:I'm sure the tank is fine. It's not like it's gonna disappear.
VOLLEYBALL SARGE:Nothin' here. Just like the inside-a that thick skull'a yours! Knock-knock, nobody's home.
GRIF:Why are you blaming me? I left Donut and Lopez in charge!
Cut to Donut and Lopez vollyballs, right next to each other.
LOPEZ:No vi nada, es la culpa de Grif. 
CAPTION:I didn't see anything, it's Grif's fault.
GRIF, IN A MOCK-DONUT VOICE:I was in my bunk, giving myself a facial! Hee-hee-hee-hee! Entendre!
VOLLEYBALL SARGE:I can't tell you how disappointed I am in you Grif! But I'll try. I just finished swappin' out the headlight fluid n' convertin' the breaks to diesel! It was a finely tuned callback-killin' machine, and you lost it!
GRIF:I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault! Stop blaming me! I was busy! Busy, busy, busy! Busy as a bee, busy busy bee body! Body bee busy!
VOLLEYBALL SARGE:Ruinin' everything like always n' forever!
VOLLEYBALL SIMMONS:I have an idea, let's make a likely list of suspects. Somebody obviously stole the tank.
GRIF:C'mon guys, we know who did it. Let's just skip Act Three.
Cut to two more volleyballs on a wall, backs showing.
GRIF:Hey! We know you assholes stole our tank! Now you gotta give it back!
Camera reveals the volleyballs are Tucker and Caboose.
GRIF, IN A MOCK-TUCKER VOICE:Look who finally showed up, you're too late Grif! It's over!
GRIF:What's over?
GRIF, IN A MOCK-CABOOSE VOICE:He's dead! My best friend is dead! Purple-pineapple-random nonsense! Blahghahaha.
Cut to a deflating Church volleyball.
VOLLEYBALL TUCKER:You were supposed to bring the air pump, Grif! Now I have gonorrhea and a dead friend.
VOLLEYBALL CABOOSE:You promised!
GRIF:Oh, I- I forgot! I'm- Oh, Caboose. Uh, uh, I can go get it right now! Maybe it's not too late!
VOLLEYBALL CABOOSE:It's too late! It's over! I'm sad now, and forever! There's nothing you can do about it, kangaroo banana kangaroo! My heart's in a pouch!
GRIF:No, no, no, no, no! Not again! This is not gonna happen again! Now listen, everyone. I got a thing. I gotta say it. I'm like, super, duper, spectacularly s--
VOLLEYBALL TUCKER:Selfish?
VOLLEYBALL SARGE:Useless!
VOLLEYBALL DONUT:Repressed!
VOLLEYBALL SIMMONS:Fat!
GRIF:Shut up and listen to me! Everyone, I am so, so..
LOCUS:Completely insane.
Cut to reveal a ship. Locus decloaks, walking towards Grif.
LOCUS:I would know.
GRIF:L-L-L-Locus!? No! Aw, fuck! You're not really real, right? I mean, I'm just hallucinating?
LOCUS:You're not hallucinating.
GRIF:Then you're here to kill me!?
LOCUS:I'm not here to kill you either.
GRIF:No. That's bullshit, dude. You are like, death personified.
LOCUS:Grif!
GRIF, STEPPING BACK:Huah! Fuck, your voice is still so scary!
Locus drops Lopez's head onto the floor.
LOCUS:If even half of what this robot says is true, then you're going to need my help to save your friends.
Cut to Grif and Locus, on Locus's ship, Grif touching Locus's face.
LOCUS:Stop. Touching. My face.
Grif backs away from Locus.
GRIF:Aw fuck, you are real!
LOCUS:We've been over this. I'm real, and I'm here to help. Assuming you've still got any sanity left in that helmet of yours.
GRIF:Aw, I'm sane as a fiddle! I've got oodles in me, just ask Doc!
Camera cuts to the volleyballs Grif has made, lined Caboose, Deflated Church, Donut, then Sarge, Simmons and Tucker.
GRIF:Huh. Where'd he go? Well, that's Doc for ya! Am I right?
LOCUS:Hmm..
GRIF:Wait, the gang's in trouble? (fast-talking) How did you find out? Did you see them? Did you talk to them? Did you touch Simmons? How's Simmons? Did he talk to you?
The camera cuts to Locus, silent, before cutting back to Grif.
GRIF:(fast-talking) What have you been doing lately? What happened to the X on your helmet? Did you see Sarge? Are my friends okay? Is Sarge dead? Are my friends okay?
LOCUS:I don't have all the information, I only know what the robot told me.
Grif turns to Lopez, who's head is resting on a table on the ship.
GRIF:Lopez, todo el mundo está bien? (Lopez, is everyone okay?)
LOPEZ:Sí, por ahora. ¡Espere! Tu hablas- 
CAPTION:Yes, for now. Wait! You speak-
GRIF:Fantástic, temí lo peor semanas! Y Simmons, ¿cómo está mi amigo marrón?(Fantastic, I feared the worst for weeks! And Simmons, how's my maroon friend?)
LOPEZ:Bueno. En problemas, pero por lo demás saludable. 
CAPTION:Good. In trouble, but otherwise well.
LOCUS:I wasn't aware you were bilingual.
GRIF:Huh. I had to learn. For Lopez's lines!
LOCUS:You have had a lot of time on your hands.
GRIF:Buckets! Oodles! Oodles of noodles and toaster strudels! Tiempo de Mucho. Mucho de Tiempo! Fifteen seasons!
LOCUS:Focus.
GRIF:Right! We should go! We should go help the guys!
LOCUS:We should. My ship is ready. Just so you're aware, we're likely in for a fight.
GRIF:Then there's no time to waste! Oh, wait.
Camera pans to the volleyballs again.
GRIF:I can bring the gang, right?
LOCUS:Absolutely not.
Cut to Locus and Grif, cramped in Locus's ship with Grif's various volleyballs surrounding them.
GRIF:(fast-talking) This is exciting! Do you still have that sword? Are you a good guy now? Aren't best friends awesome? Do you ever miss Felix? Hey! I'm orange, just like your last partner! Cool ship by the way, I bet that's an awesome side-story. Does it have a name? How about the Locus Pocus? I hope everyone doesn't hate me. Do you ever worry about people hating you? I don't!
LOCUS:I don't remember you being... like this.
GRIF:(fast-talking) Yeah, well, I don't remember you being anything but a huge dick, but here you are being cool, so people change. How long's this trip gonna take anyway? Do you have any music? Man, it feels good to talk to somebody again. Can I be the DJ? Is there a bathroom on this ship? Can I drive? I thought I was gonna go crazy for a while there, but I'm sane as a fiddle! (low voice) How many people have you killed? (regular voice) Where did you grow up? Do you ever get lonely?
LOCUS:Please, stop talking.
GRIF:(fast-talking) You got any brothers and sisters? Did you kill any of your brothers and sisters? Do you have issues sharing? Can I drive?
Cut to the ship taking off.
GRIF:(off-screen) Do you ever eat Migas? I love Migas! Queso, am I right? Are you a cat person, or a dog person?
Cut back to Grif and Locus inside the ship. Suspenseful music starts playing, almost as if something were going to happen.
GRIF:(fast-talking) Have you ever tried growing a mustache on the inside or the outside of your helmet?
LOCUS:Grif.
GRIF:(fast-talking) Can I drive? Do you think the gang found Church? Do you ever go to church? Are you religious at all? I'm agnostic. Hey, do you want to stop for a pizza? I bet the guys are hungry. We should bring them a pizza! Pepperoni? No, sausage! Everybody likes mushrooms. What's your favorite pizza place? I like Sammie's over in Ithaca.
LOCUS:This is going to be a long trip, isn't it?
GRIF:I hope so! We have a lot of catching up to do, partner. Speaking of which, why are you helping us anyway?
LOCUS:It's a long story. But mainly, it's the right thing to do.
GRIF:Turning over a new fucking leaf! Dude, I am all about it! It's a new beginning for both of us! Just so you know, though, doing the right thing usually, totally sucks.
LOCUS:I am acutely aware of that at the moment.
GRIF:So. How do you feel about Cloud Atlas?
A few seconds of silence before the screen goes black.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 16: Grif Does a Rescue

Cue Sarge walking up to Temple. Temple is on his computer.
SARGE:You uh... wanted to see me sir?
TEMPLE:Just one second.. (whispered) God damn fuckin' pop-ups.. If I find out Buckey's been downloading porn again I'm going to flush him out the pressure lock. Sarge. I thought we should catch up.
SARGE:If it's about Simmons, sir, I've-I've already given him a stern talking to. Perhaps in a few days, we can give him another chance.
TEMPLE:Yeah, that's not happening. There's.. there's just no time! You understand. Our machine is finished, and it's time to see if it works.
SARGE:Mmph.. understood.
TEMPLE:Sarge, I really called you in here because.. I wanted to see how you were holding up. I-I can only imagine, this must be a.. really difficult time for you.
Sarge grunts.
TEMPLE:Speak freely, Sarge, please!
SARGE:Well, it ain't been no cakewalk! But I didn't reach the rank of Colonel by only following the orders I liked.
TEMPLE:Gah, you an inspiration to us all. Which brings me to my point; I'm promoting you!
SARGE:Oh, really?
TEMPLE:The warhead will need loyal and capable leaders. If I had a dozen like you, Sarge, the UNSC wouldn't stand a chance!
SARGE:You can count on me, sir! Does that mean.. Am I a..?
TEMPLE:That's right! Super Colonel!
SARGE:Super Colonel Sarge! Ha-ha! Boy, that rings like a bell, don't it?
TEMPLE:Sure does.
Surge walks up to the two, laughing.
SURGE:Temple! You need to come see this.
TEMPLE:What is it?
SURGE:We have an intruder.
TEMPLE:What!? Why haven't you sounded the alarm!?
SURGE:(laughing) It's not that kind of situation, sir.
Cue footage of Grif sneaking around the base, crouching.
Temple is watching the footage, along with Surge, Buckey, Cronut, Sarge, and Gene.
TEMPLE:Biff?
SARGE:Nah, I'd know that pudgy, out-of-breath waddle anywhere! That's Grif!
TEMPLE:How long has he been at it?
SURGE:A while. He's been goin' 'round in circles. (laughs)
BUCKEY:The hell is he thinking?
Cue to Grif, sneaking around the base, crouching.
GRIF:Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers! Dun-dun-dun-dunnana. Kssh. Uh, this is Snake to Big Boss. No sign of surveillance. Kssh.
Grif walks next to a table with Fish on it, a Metal Gear Solid noise plays as an exclamation mark appears above his head and he turns to it.
GRIF:Hello there!
Cue back to the Blues and Reds + Sarge.
GENE:What the hell is he doing now?
SARGE:Snacking. It's amazing he's made it this long!
TEMPLE:Some rescue.
CRONUT:He's going for the vent! (shudders) That's gonna be a tight fit.
TEMPLE:Alright, alright, someone butter him up and pull his fat ass out of there.
SARGE:You gotta use something other than butter, though. Otherwise, he'll just lick it off.
Cue to Tucker, Caboose, and Simmons, imprisoned in their cells. Temple and Loco walk in.
TEMPLE:Howdy everyone! How are our fine guests doing?
TUCKER:Fuck you.
TEMPLE:Charming. Well, gang, I thought we should have a little chat before I bid my final adieu. After all, our business together isn't quite finished, is it?
TUCKER:You're god damn right it's not.
TEMPLE:Let's try and be civil, okay, we're all adults here. Age-wise, at least.
SIMMONS:Oh-ho, if you think for one second that you're gonna get away with this--
TEMPLE:Aw, still holding out hope for that last-minute rescue? Don't.
Temple backs up as Buckey brings out Grif.
SIMMONS:Grif!?
GRIF:Simmons!
TUCKER:Grif.
CABOOSE:Simmons! I mean Gri- y'know, is it a bad time to tell you I'm colorblind?
SIMMONS:You got my message!
GRIF:I did! Oh, guys, there's so much I need to tell you!
TEMPLE:It can wait.
GRIF:No! Not another minute! I'm sick of waiting. I am sorry! Everyone, Simmons, I'm sorry I left like that. Tucker, I'm sorry I didn't come with--
TEMPLE:Shut up, please.
GRIF:Caboose, I'm sorry I didn't help you find Church. That makes me a bad friend.
CABOOSE:It's okay! I know he's still out there.
Temple laughs.
TEMPLE:Really? You think so?
TUCKER:Stop it.
TEMPLE:But I don't want to. Caboose, would you like to hear Church's full message? We got the whole recording right here. He talks about you.
CABOOSE:Really?
TEMPLE:Play it, Loco.
Loco plays the message over the speakers. A beep is heard.
ROBOTIC VOICE:Playing archived message from Blood Gulch Outpost.
Two more beeps.
CHURCH:Control! Control, do you read? This is Church from Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, over. If you're getting this it's an emergency! You've gotta send a plumber as soon as you get this, please! Tucker and Caboose--eugh--they flushed a damn grenade down the shitter and it exploded! And it's everywhere, Control! It's coming out of the god damn walls for Pete's sake. Send help please. We need--I need--a plumber. Fuck! And some god-damn new recruits too, because I'm about to murder these two! Church out.
Two beeps.
ROBOTIC VOICE:End message.
TEMPLE:It's crazy what you can do with editing software these days. What's the matter, Tucker? Cat got your tongue? I'm curious; do you all remember that? Granted it happened a long time ago in a Gulch far, far away, but still! It must've been a memorable episode.
CABOOSE:I-I don't get it is he-is he back in Blood Gulch?
TEMPLE:No, god damnit, we lied to you. He's dead!
CABOOSE:For now.
TEMPLE:(angry) No! Forever! How fucking stupid are you?
GRIF:Christ, man, lay off!
TEMPLE:What-the-fuck-ever, he's an adult, okay. Maybe if you all didn't treat him like some big baby, he would understand something as simple as death. As dying and being gone for-ev-er.
TUCKER:I'll give him a real-world example if you unlock this fucking cell.
TEMPLE:Oh-ho-ho, woah! Great plan! I'mma hop right on that!
CABOOSE:So you changed his message so we would come looking for you?
TEMPLE:Bingo. Thank you. I had help, of course. Loco's the one who did the scrambling.
LOCO:Look-a-we-wha-see, what happened-um, we can still be friends!
TEMPLE:No, you can't. This is goodbye. We are leaving. Onward, to victory! Adieu, adieu, farewell.
Temple and Loco walk out.
TEMPLE:(under his breath) Heh heh, nailed it.
BUCKEY:Hey, Tucker! Thanks for the sword, bro!
TUCKER:It won't work for you, asshole.
BUCKEY:It's still got uses. I think your mom will love it, if you know what I mean. A-boom-chicka-wah-wah.
Buckey laughs as he walks out.
Cue Sarge and Surge walking, they run into Temple, who's also walking.
SARGE:What was all that about?
TEMPLE:Oh, not much. Went in to offer our guests every comfort and they chewed me out. But we'll treat them well, Super Colonel Sarge.
SARGE:Ah, good!
TEMPLE:Uh, I need to talk to you about something else.
SARGE:Awaiting orders, sir!
Temple and Sarge walk away. Surge is left alone.
TEMPLE:It's about that reporter..
Cut to Tucker and Caboose in their cell.
TUCKER:I'm sorry, Caboose.
CABOOSE:Gone-gone.. Like Simmons said on Scary Planet.
TUCKER:Yes.
CABOOSE:Forever.
TUCKER:Forever.
CABOOSE:But--
TUCKER:Sorry, Caboose. Not..this time.
CABOOSE:But, but.. I never got to say goodbye. Or, thank you for being my friend.
TUCKER:They'll pay for this. I promise. I'll make them pay.
GRIF:We all will.
TUCKER:You shut the fuck up Grif, you've done enough already!
GRIF:Ease up dude, I did my best.
TUCKER:Your best!? You fucking botched our only chance of escape.
GRIF:Uh, no I didn't.
TUCKER:You busted in here, made an ass of yourself, and got caught. What do you call that?
GRIF:A pretty fucking sweet diversion.
Cut to where Wash and Carolina have been armor-locked.
WASH:(strained) Yup, it's back. Oh, it's bad this time.
CAROLINA:(strained) Ignore it.
WASH:I can't.
CAROLINA:Heh. I believe in you, Wash.
WASH:My kingdom.. my kingdom to scratch my nose.
CAROLINA:At least.. you.. didn't get frozen.. in a god-damn yoga pose. I'm gonna need a week at the chiropractor when we get out of here.
Wash starts to fall asleep.
CAROLINA:Wash. Stay awake, Wash.
WASH:(on the verge of sleeping) Just a little rest.
LOCUS'S VOICE:You don't get to rest, Agent Washington.
Locus appears in front of them both.
LOCUS:Not yet.
WASH:Well, I'm hallucinating again. This time it kinda looks like Locus.
CAROLINA:Wait. I see him too.
LOCUS:This is.. awkward, isn't it?
CAROLINA:That.. depends.
WASH:Are you here to kill us?
LOCUS:(sighs) I sure get that a lot.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 17: Quicksave

WASH:(cracking his neck and groaning) Yeah, that's the spot.
CAROLINA:Just give me one minute. I'll be ready to fight-
LOCUS:(cuts Carolina off) Doubtful. Your life-support system has failed. You're starving and dehydrated.
CAROLINA:Just one minute.
WASH:(panting) So. Seems like you've been busy, big guy.
CAROLINA:What my delusional friend is trying to say is what the hell are you doing here?
LOCUS:Several months ago the Blues and Reds stole the power generator from a colony of refugees.
CAROLINA:So, it's a charity case?
LOCUS:No. Without clean water and air, they perished. Every man, woman, and child.
WASH:Jesus.
CAROLINA:How did you find out about it? Did you know them?
LOCUS:I tracked the Blues and Reds to this sector, where I found your robot drifting towards a nearby black hole.
WASH:(weakly) Well, as soon as this elevator stops, I'll be ready to kick ass and take names.
LOCUS:We're not in an elevator.
WASH:Oh. Well, in that case, it's gonna be up to you three to save the day.
Carolina turns to Wash.
CAROLINA:Three?
WASH:Yeah. You, Locus and Big Bird over there.
Wash and Carolina look to the left.
WASH:What up, Big B?
LOCUS:Both of you are past the point of usefulness.
CAROLINA:(strained) You've never needed our help mowing down soldiers before.
LOCUS:I don't... do that anymore.
CAROLINA:(turns to Wash) Wash, is it possible to hallucinate with your ears?
WASH:I don't know, officer. I swear. I usually keep it in the glove box.
LOCUS:I promised myself I would change. I'm not going back on that now.
CAROLINA:You really expect us to believe you can just change overnight?
LOCUS:Given the things you two have done, I would hope so.
WASH:This is gonna suuuuuck.
Cut to where Dylan and Jax have been imprisoned. Sarge enters.
JAX:Oh hey, you here to see the script?
SARGE:Quiet. You, guard, get on out of here.
BLUE GUARD:Sorry sir. I've been ordered to observe.
DYLAN:Observe what?
BLUE GUARD:Temple's orders for the traitors to be put down. (laughs)
JAX:(panicked) Traitors? D-do-do you mean us?
SARGE:That's right.
JAX:Woah woah woah! You can't kill me, I haven't made my opus!
SARGE:I'm sorry, orders are orders.
DYLAN:You can't be serious.
Sarge walks closer and readies his shotgun.
SARGE:How serious do I look?
JAX:Okay, I know it's a cheap story device, but we could really use a deus ex machina right about now. Or now... or now!
SARGE:(threatening) No one's coming... not today.
Sarge shoots.
JAX:(shouting) Oh god, you killed her! Oh, you shot her right in the face! I think! I don't know for sure 'cause I can't bear to open my eyes!
DYLAN:It's alright, Jax. He did the right thing.
Sarge lowers his gun.
SARGE:Your best bet's gonna be to hide somewhere til the shooting dies down.
DYLAN:We're coming with you.
SARGE:Oh, like hell. I ain't your damn bodyguard!
DYLAN:We can handle ourselves.
SARGE:Oh, hogwash! You let those idiots capture you.
DYLAN:Well, you worked for those idiots!
SARGE:Did I? Or perhaps I was just pretending all along. Maybe this whole time I was just acting so I could save the day at the last minute! Oh, yes, what a twist, I love this!
JAX:Yeeeah, I don't think anyone's gonna believe that.
SARGE:They will if you tell 'em.
DYLAN:Are you asking for our help?
SARGE:I'm just gonna point out here that I did just save your life.
JAX:You saved us from you!
SARGE:Heh, let me phrase this for you another way.
Sarge gets on his knees and begs.
SARGE:Pretty please with a cherry on top! Tell the guys this was my plan all along! Oh, have mercy! Don't make me beg! You wouldn't like what it sounds like!
DYLAN:Under one condition.
Cut to Sarge, Jax, and Dylan running through the base.
JAX:Seriously, is that like, Russian? Scandinavian? Pig Latin?
SARGE:My family history ain't part of the deal.
JAX:How do you even spell it? It sounded like 57 syllables.
SARGE:Well, you need a Mandarin keyboard to get it exactly right and the fifth letter is an emoji.
DYLAN:(hushed) Everyone, be quiet. Someone's coming.
Locus suddenly appears behind them.
LOCUS:I'm not here to kill you.
Dylan and Jax jump back in surprise.
DYLAN:Holy shit.
JAX:Ah, fuck! That is a terrible way to say hello!
SARGE:You? What in Sam Hell are you doing here?
LOCUS:Attempting a rescue.
SARGE:Same here. You remember the procedure for this?
LOCUS:For?
Sarge begins playing rock-paper-scissors, while Locus watches him.
SARGE:Come on, we aren't going anywhere before we find out who's leading the rescue mission.
Sarge continues as everyone watches him. Cut to Sarge, Dylan, Jax and Locus entering the prison cell-room.
SARGE:Hot damn, paper after rock. Brilliant move! I guess I should expect nothing less from a cunning, murderous bastard like yourself.
LOCUS:Please, stop talking.
GRIF:See, I told you guys. Me and Locus are partners now.
Locus wields his energy sword.
LOCUS:Please, stop!
He opens Tucker's cell door.
TUCKER:For the record, I hate this.
GRIF:I dig this.
Cut to Locus being hugged by Caboose.
LOCUS:I hate this.
The Reds and Blues are given their weapons back.
GRIF:Sarge.
SARGE:Grif. Glad you're um... Back.
GRIF:I guess I should say the same to you?
SARGE:Well, contrary to what you may have heard, I was secretly a good guy all along. Now, no need to thank me everyone, please clap.
TUCKER:Oh bull-fucking-shit. You just got done stabbing us in the back.
SARGE:Men, I... I... I order you all to forgive me!
TUCKER:Not happening, dude.
LOCUS:We can deal with this later.
TUCKER:No, we can't. This Judas ain't coming with us. He can stay in the empty cell while we escape.
SIMMONS:That's a little extreme, Tucker.
TUCKER:Is it? Those fuckers lied to us about Church, imprisoned our friends, and Sarge was there serving them tea and biscuits.
SARGE:I didn't know about any of that! The clever devils blinded me. They, uh, no... No, I take that back. Men, the Blues and Reds didn't blind me. I blinded myself. I wanted an enemy so bad, I turned my friends into my enemies, and enemies into friends. My real enemy was within.
CABOOSE:Ah, yep, I know what that is. That's gas.
SARGE:I don't expect you all to forgive me immediately, but I hope I'll earn the privilege of your friendship over time. And I promise each and every one of you, it won't happen. Ever, ever again. Anytime soon. Probably.
TUCKER:(shouting) Probably?!
LOCUS:(insistent) I, for one, believed every word and found that very moving. Now, can we go please?
Cut to Locus, and the Reds and Blues entering another room where Dylan and Jax are watching over Carolina and Washington.
LOCUS:Trouble while we were gone?
DYLAN:None, it's been quiet. Too quiet.
TUCKER:Oh, Jesus. What did they do to you?
CAROLINA:We're fine.
WASH:(weakly) That's what she said. Ooooohh! High five up to-- up top.
CABOOSE:Did you get your shoelaces?
TUCKER:Are you okay? Can you guys fight?
CAROLINA:Almost ready. My strength's coming back to me.
LOCUS:Lying isn't going to help. We need to move now. The longer we stay here, the higher the chance we're detected.
TUCKER:Well, we didn't see anyone on the way here. This place suddenly feels like a ghost town.
LOCUS:They must have moved out and left a skeleton guard to watch the cells.
CABOOSE:(raising his voice) Oh, come on! We can handle one skeleton. The ghost town though, we're gonna need to call someone for that.
SARGE:Time's a-wastin', gentlemen. Let's get a move on.
DYLAN:Not so fast. We still don't know enough about their machine.
TUCKER:Fuck. That. It's time to get out of here, not play Nancy Drew.
DYLAN:All of this has been building up to something big, and I don't think it's a press release. Jax and I are gonna find out what's really going on.
GRIF:Count me in.
TUCKER:Woah, did Grif, just volunteer?
CAROLINA:...and I'm ear-hallucinating again, Wash.
WASH:(weakly) Uh-oh. Spaghetti-o's.
SIMMONS:Count me in.
TUCKER:How about the rest of us secure the exit?
LOCUS:A decent plan... Considering.
Cue footage of Dylan, Jax, Grif and Simmons walking.
SIMMONS:Oh, and that dude's pretty much the worst. He's a huge nerd and a huge suck-up...
JAX:And Gene sounds just like Simmons.
SIMMONS:What? Does not!
JAX:It's like, way more than coincidental.
SIMMONS:(groans) Oh, I'm gonna kill him.
GRIF:Your clone or that camera guy?
SIMMONS:Yes.
Cut to where the Blues and Reds' machine should've been.
DYLAN:It's gone. We're too late.
GRIF:Alright. Let's get back to the gang.
DYLAN:Not so fast, there's something I need to grab first. Fingers crossed.
Dylan runs over to the computer. The camera turns to Simmons and Grif.
SIMMONS:You seemed so serious when you left.
GRIF:I was... a little heated.
SIMMONS:I thought you were gone for good.
GRIF:Yeah, it was definitely the idea.
SIMMONS:What changed your mind?
GRIF:I don't know.
SIMMONS:Okay.
GRIF:Tucker, Caboose, Sarge... Fucking Donut. Simmons, I hate those guys. I mean hate, but holy hell, does shit get boring without 'em, and you know, I figured without me to beat up on, y'all were doomed to fall apart at the seams. I'm your hate glue.
SIMMONS:Well, I'm glad you're back.
Cue Jax slowly walking closer to them.
BOTH SIMMONS AND GRIF:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, good to see you. Yeah.
Simmons and Grif turn to Jax.
GRIF:Uh, dude, what the fuck are you doing?
JAX:Don't mind me. I'm just getting in position for the kiss.
Cut to Dylan coming back to Simmons and Grif.
DYLAN:What happened to him?
Jax is on the floor behind Simmons and Grif.
GRIF:He slipped.
Cut to the outside of the base, where Red and Blue Grunts are patrolling and repairing a ship.
LOCUS:So much for an easy escape.
CABOOSE:(slowly raising his voice) Wait a second... These aren't skeletons!
GRIF:It's cool, guys. Locus can just call his alien spaceship.
LOCUS:It's a crowded ship with two-- we need the Pelican.
SARGE:I'll cover you all from here.
LOCUS:Your shotgun has an effective range of two meters. If anyone should provide cover, it's me.
CAROLINA:I thought you swore off killing.
Tucker and Caboose laugh.
TUCKER:Good one.
CABOOSE:Haha! That is a very funny joke and no one needs to explain to me. Was I laughing too hard?
LOCUS:I did swear off killing. But you don't need your kneecaps to live.
GRIF:What about your ship? It's got weapons, right?
LOCUS:Yes, they're very useful for splitting asteroids, less practical indoors. No, this will require some planning. If we play our cards right, we can escape without the need for violence.
TUCKER:Fuck that. These sons of bitches are our enemies, and I, for one, am ready for some motherfucking revenge.
Tucker runs off to attack.
CAROLINA:Tucker, don't--
TUCKER:Booyah!
Tucker begins shooting the Grunts. Locus runs out as well to cover him and fires.
LOCUS:Idiot!
RED GRUNT:Gah! My kneecap!
Everyone begins firing.
LOCUS:We had the element of surprise. Now, we're just fish in a barrel.
TUCKER:We're fish with guns! Let's use 'em!
RED GRUNT:Gah! The infidels have escaped their confinement! Let them feel our ugly wrath!
Grif turns to Donut.
GRIF:Donut, quit standing there! Make yourself useful!
He throws a grenade to Donut, who immediately throws it.
GRIF:Ah, Donut, you're supposed to take the pin out first!
The grenade hits a Blue Grunt on the head. A Red Grunt begins firing from a mounted gun, causing the Reds and Blues to duck for cover
SIMMONS:Everyone, get cover!
SARGE:We're pinned! We might die! It's so exciting!
TUCKER:Locus, shoot him already!
Cue footage of Locus aiming at the Red Grunt on the gun, but is unable to take a shot.
LOCUS:I have no shot. Repositioning.
Locus turns invisible and disappears.
TUCKER:Everybody just chill out until--
Wash walks onto the screen, heading right into the middle of the firefight.
TUCKER:Wash? Wash. Wash!
Tucker stands up and shouts, but Wash continues walking.
TUCKER:(shouting) What the fuck are you doing? Wash, get down!
Wash stops and turns to face Tucker.
WASH:Oh, hey T--
Wash is suddenly shot in the throat, and the scene slows down and cuts to black.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 18: Desolation

TUCKER:Wash!
CAROLINA:No!
SARGE:Cover me!
Caboose runs up beside Sarge.
SARGE:Quick, Caboose, with me.
Sarge and Caboose run up the stairs
SARGE:(angrily) Remember us, you maggots!?
RED ZEALOT:Gods be damned! It's the Beast! After seven years of exile, the destroyer has now returned! The prophecy is now complete! The end is-
Caboose cuts the Zealot off by whacking him
CABOOSE:You! (Whacks a Red Zealot)
CABOOSE:Hurt! (Whacks a Blue Zealot)
CABOOSE:My! (Whacks a Red Zealot)
CABOOSE:Friend! (Whacks a Blue Zealot)
ZEALOT:It's over, we have lost! AAaaahhh!
Everyone walks over to Washington's body.
DYLAN:This...isn't good.
TUCKER:Do something! Someone!
LOCUS:A'rynasea! Come! Quickly!
A'rynasea, (an alien ship) flies into the hangar.
LOCUS:Help me get him on the ship. Now!
TUCKER:Where are you taking him?
LOCUS:The nearest hospital. He needs immediate care.
TUCKER:Well, I'm coming too.
LOCUS:No room.
UCKER:Fuck that!
LOCUS:(angrily) The enemy has a head start. If you plan on stopping them, your men are going to need you.
LOCUS:Now help me get him on the ship!
A'rynasea leaves the hangar
Cut to the Reds and Blues in the canyon.
TUCKER:Fuck me! Tucker: Fuck all of this!
Cut to Dylan talking to James.
JAMES:This is amazing, Dylan! Unbelievable.
DYLAN:Why? How? What's it do?
JAMES:This, device, is incredible! No one in the lab has seen anything like it. Where'd you find those plans and pictures?
DYLAN:That's not important! What matters is what it does.
JAMES:What it does? What do you mean?
DYLAN:You're the physicist, tell me it's damn function, doctor!
JAMES:It's a joke machine, a prank! Who put you up to this? Those clowns at Stockholm?
DYLAN:It's not a practical joke, it's a weapon!
JAMES:(Scoffs) Listen, Dylan. This thing is no weapon. It's nonsense. The sheeer sophistication of the nonsense is unfathomable. James: It would take the worst minds of this generation decades to come up with something this stupid.
DYLAN:So, you're saying, "it doesn't work"?
JAMES:You sound concerned. So, I'll walk you through. Overall, it appears to be a self-powered tunneling device.
DYLAN:A drill?
JAMES:A laser drill, yeah! Like you'd find on a mining platform, but the drill would take all the energy of a star to function.
DYLAN:This makes no sense!
JAMES:And so we've come full circle. Most of the machine is power source, and that's the part that's pure poppycock, pardon my French. Dylan: So, it definitely won't work?
JAMES:It works as a hilarious joke.
DYLAN:(hesitates) Well, I guess that's all I need.
JAMES:I have to thank you for this, the lab life can get so boring, if you can catch my meaning.
JAMES:We're gonna have the interns plug it into the super computer simulators, for funsies. I'll let you know what we find.
DYLAN:You're...welcome.
Cut to Tucker talking to the group, Carolina isn't there.
TUCKER:Just great! So, all of this was for...fucking nothing.
SIMMONS:So what now?
GRIF:Well, there's the smart idea, where we crawl back to base with our tails between our leg, or-
(Grif is cut off by Sarge)
SARGE:-We counter attack with everything we've got!
TUCKER:Be serious, guys. The Blues and Reds could be anywhere in the Galaxy by now.
SIMMONS:Eh, not anywhere. Temple did say Earth.
TUCKER:So, anywhere on Earth. That narrows it down to just, one planet!
DYLAN:Maybe he left behind clues. Jax,what do you have in the way of footage?
JAX:Well, I'm still sorting through the dailies, but I could be persuaded to show some raw clips! I mean, it won't have any color correction, or film grain, but...
DYLAN:You gotta start somewhere.
TUCKER:Then I guess you should all get started. I need some time to think, anyway.
Tucker exits, Caboose tries to follow.
DYLAN:Let him go. He's, clearly processing.
Cut to the footage room, where a video is playing.
SIMMONS:Jesus! How much is there?
JAX:Ah, it's about 200 hours. You'll never know what you need in post!
DYLAN:There! What's that?
JAX:That's nothing! I was chasing a moth around. Y'know, kinda going for a Terance Malick vibe, and I stumbled into this room that was totally covered in charts!
DYLAN:Charts?
JAX:Yeah, see? Right here.
The screen shows a globe of the world, with an arrow pointing to an island, stated as, "Kill Zone".
GRIF:What are they?! Is he planning a vacation?
SIMMONS:That close to the arctic? I doubt it.
SARGE:Those islands are of zero strategic importance the UNSC. Hm. Seems like a dead end.
DYLAN:Okay. Everyone? I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but, you know that AI Assistant I've mentioned?
Carolina enters.
CAROLINA:Your dumb AI? What about it?
DYLAN:He spent quite a bit of time in the Blues and Reds network, so he might have...information we can use?
CAROLINA:Bring him on out then.
(Dylan hesitates)
CAROLINA:What are you waiting for?
DYLAN:I don't know how to say this, so...well, just don't kill me, alright? Or him. Vic?
VIC:(glitching)  Don't listen to her, du-u-u-udes! You should totally kill me if it strikes your fa-a-ancy! No pressure!
GRIF:Ah, no fucking way!
SIMMONS:God! What the hell is he doing here?
DYLAN:He agreed to help me back in Blood Gulch, in exchange for a favor.
VIC:That's right, dudes! Dudettes! Vic has joined the gang, office-i-a-ly!...No takebacks.
GRIF:I can't believe this shit!
SIMMONS:What the hell have you been doing all these years?
VIC:Hanging out with Grif's sister! What's up, dudes? Nothing to say about that, eh? No "bow-wow-chika-wink-wink"?
SIMMONS:We're not really in the mood.
SARGE:Do you know the villains' dastardly plans, or not?
Vic raises an electronic eyebrow.
VIC:If I say no, will you kill me?
DYLAN:Vic!
VIC:(Glitching out) Alright, dudes! Calm down! Just joking! Things have been gettin' a little too seri-o-so lately, if ya ask me.
VIC:(Still glitching) Anyone miss the good old days, where we were all goofing around all the time? Anyhoo-that Temple duderino was totes McGoats with that shiny new UNSC HQ on Earth.
SARGE:Hm. Sounds like an ideal target, alright.
VIC:Oh, this place is decked out like you wouldn't believe! Half a dozen check points, shields, a battalion of troops stationed there, an entire fleet in the orbit over head, and....two hot tubs.
SIMMONS:That place is fortified against an all-out alien invasion. There's no chance in hell that the Blues and Reds are going to get within a hundred miles!
DYLAN:Yeah, no kidding.
GRIF:Alright, so what the hell are they doing?
CAROLINA:The world's best swordsman. The world's best swordsman doesn't fear the second-best. He fears the worst...because, he can't predict what the idiot will do.
DYLAN:That's the key. We need to think like them. Like idiots!
SARGE:Why's everybody looking over here?
DYLAN:Sarge, say you needed to sneak attack someone...
CAROLINA:...who is in a heavily fortified position.
DYLAN:Unbelievable security, all around...what would you do?
SARGE:(laughs) Easy, peasy, Japanesy. I tunnel underneath their feet, and sneak attack from underneath!
SARGE:Just like it says on my tattoo! "Death from below".
CABOOSE:And tie their shoelaces together, so they can't chase after me!
SARGE:Whambo, bambo, jambo!
GRIF:Well, that was pointless.
DYLAN:No, That's it! Look! Those islands are on the chart here. If we draw a line striaght through the center of the planet, it ends up here. Right through UNSC Headquarters.
SIMMONS:(suprised) That's it? They're gonna tunnel from the Earth from those islands?!
CAROLINA:(decidedly) This is insane.
SARGE:It's diabolical!
GRIF:It's really dumb...
(Grif Looks at Simmons)
GRIF:So I buy it.
DYLAN:It makes a weird sort of sense. According to the head of research at JPL, Locco's machine is a tunneling device.
SARGE:Red team! Blue team! We have the enemy's position. Let's pack up, and prepare to move on out!
CAROLINA:We should make a few calls before we go.
GRIF:Well, I hate to point out there's one other  thing we're forgetting.
Cut to Tucker standing by the Blue's and Red's campfire. Grif approaches.
TUCKER:Leave me alone, Caboose-oh...it's you. What do you want, Grif?
GRIF:We know where they are, Tucker. We're going after 'em.
TUCKER:...Is that really a good idea? Given our track record, I just...I can't imagine us doing anything but making this all worse.
GRIF:What's gotten into you, man?
TUCKER:I'm a fuckup is what! Just when I thought I was getting good at this hero stuff, I crashed, and fucking burned. I trusted Temple! I let down Wash, and I lost my sword! My fucking sword! I'm a...what's the word? (Pauses) "Liability". You ask me, we're better letting the authorites deal with Temple.
GRIF:That'll go well. "Uh, hey, 911? It's the Reds and Blues? Our evil dopplegangers are going to shoot a laser through the Earth from some tiny islands in the Indian Ocean. Okay thanks. Bye!"
TUCKER:(Hesitates) Fuck. Dude, I don't know if I can do this.
GRIF:Well, with Carolina on the DL, we kind of need you, man. I mean, if the Blues and Reds challenged us to a hotdog eating contest, I can take 'em. But I got a feeling that it won't be that easy...or delicious.
TUCKER:I'm not a freelancer, Grif.
GRIF:I know! But, shit, dude! You're the best we've got! (Under his breath) Man, this feels weird....I don't know if I'm really cut out to give pep talks, Tucker. Can you just, uhhh, I don't know. Throw me a bone and come along, already?
TUCKER:(Sighs) Tell me how special I am, Grif.
GRIF:No.
TUCKER:Please Grif, I need to hear it from you.
GRIF:Fuck off, dude. (Irritated) Never mind.
TUCKER:I'm not going anywhere, until you tell me I'm the best again.
GRIF:(hesitates) Tucker, you're the best at, not using birth control!
TUCKER:You know, your sister thought I was the best too.
GRIF:(Mutters under his breath as he walks away) I should have stayed alone on the fucking planet. Volleyball Tucker knew when to keep his mouth shut.
TUCKER:(having heard the muttering) Uhhh, what?
Cut to Tucker giving the group a pep talk in the canyon.
TUCKER:Listen up, everyone! The Blues and Reds are trenched in. They've got numbers, and they've got guns on their sides. They've been planning this operation for years. They have a headstart, and they have a doomsday device. They also don't stand a fucking chance. I ain't much on speeches, so I'll make this short. We do this for Wash, we do this for Church, and we do this because, fuck those assholes. Buckle up, guys. We're going home.
CABOOSE:We're going to Blood Gulch?
TUCKER:No.
Cut to a view of the Earth at night.
TUCKER:Earth, motherfuckers.
GRIF:Now that's a pep talk.
Scene cuts to black.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 19: Red vs. Red

A ship flying on the ocean, approaches an island.
DYLAN:Coming up on the island.
SIMMONS:How are we going to know if they're here?
DYLAN:I got a feeling they'll see us before we see them- (Alarm)
DYLAN:Yep. There's our answer. Someone just locked missiles.
JAX:Shields up! Go to red alert!
SARGE:What does this hawk have in the way of countermeasures?
DYLAN:Well, if they shoot, we can counter by exploding. That's about it.
SIMMONS:Yeah, let's make that plan B.
DYLAN:Our autopilot is worse than useless against guided missiles. I- I don't suppose any of you moonlight as combat pilots?
GRIF:Oh! I crashed a ship once- uhh, it was technically a tactical crash.
TUCKER:Yeah, I think I prefer plan B.
Two missiles are fired.
DYLAN:Incoming! Twelve o'clock. Grif!
GRIF:Just a minute! I still haven't figured out how to invert the controller scheme.
The ship dives as the missiles fly above it.
GRIF:Whoo! That was on purpose!
A barrage of missiles are fired.
DYLAN:Oh, heck.
The ship does a barrel roll to evade two missiles and flies above two more, but another warhead hits it straight on. Inside the ship, sparkles fly. Outside, it's a big blast and the ship is falling as Surge and Temple watch from the island.
SURGE:Direct hit, sir. She's going down.
TEMPLE:Thanks. I fucking noticed.
SURGE:I still think we should have eliminated-
TEMPLE:Enough! Looks like you'll get your wish after all.
The ship crashes on the ocean.
SURGE:Shall I lead the greeting party?
TEMPLE:We've got more important things to do. Have Lorenzo and Cronut roll out the red carpet while we secure the facility.
SURGE:Uh, permission to speak freely, sir?
TEMPLE:Nah.
SURGE:Alright, then. (towards the edge) You heard the man, men! Let's show our guests some hospitality!
Tanks and jeeps show up in front of Surge.
On the beach, the Reds and Blues - Lopez only a head again - plus Dylan and Jax, stare at the wreckage.
JAX:Okay, I know I sound like a broken record. But you definitely should have been-
GRIF:Would you shut up about the leaf on the wind shit?! I got us out alive, you're freaking welcome.
DYLAN:The Revere's totaled. The comm array is still functioning, but not for long. That's gonna cost someone an arm and a leg.
SARGE:You mean besides Lopez?
SIMMONS:Hey, Lopez! How about we turn you into a little backpack like C-3PO at the end of Empire?
LOPEZ:Por favor, no. Solo dejame la sombra. He tenido suficiente acción para siempre. 
CAPTION:Please, no. Just leave me in the shade. I've had enough action for ever.
SARGE:What's that? You want us to throw you into the ocean? But Lopez, why would we do that?
LOPEZ:No me eches en el oceano. 
CAPTION:Don't throw me in the ocean.
SARGE:Ohhh! To keep you from falling into enemy hands, hehe. Your selflessness knows no bounds.
LOPEZ:Señor Grif. Detergalo, por favor. 
CAPTION:Grif! Stop him. Please!
GRIF:Hey, don't look at me, Lopez. I'm the lazy one, remember? I can barely speak English.
TUCKER:Let's get our boogie on, troops! Before they come looking for survivors.
View from all the Blues and Reds guarding the facility.
DYLAN:The power facility is at the top. That's where Temple will be holed up with the machine.
SIMMONS:Too late to call for backup?
TUCKER:Any ideas, Carolina?
CAROLINA:One or two. Hey, Grif. What did you bring in the way of edibles?
A Red and a Blue behind a barrier.
RED:Ease up, broseph. Just say, "Don't knock it till you try it."
BLUE:Personally, I don't see what the big deal is.
RED:They're baaaby seeals. See, that's why it's so funny when you bash their brains in. Personally, I put on some Nickelback, do a few dozen at a time... Brrrup! (Chuckles)
BLUE:Yeah, yeah, I mean, I guess that's kind of funny.
RED:Fine, Judge Judy, the heck do you do for fun?
BLUE:Oh, you know, normal stuff. I like pushing small children down wells... I like hunting endangered animals... I like driving around without ever using my turn signals!
RED:Hahaha, nice.
BLUE:Yeah, you know lately, I've really been into defending Hitler on the internet.
RED:Heeeell yeah. Pretty much every Red on this seal site is a casual racist AND a Holocaust denier!
BLUE:Haha, same with the Blues. We also agree that all women are sluts.
GRIF runs into them, they fly while screaming in pain.
BLUE:I've been mortally woundeedddd...
Grif is still rushing at everyone.
BLUE:Contact, southeast! We're under attack! Open fire!
RED:(Mumbling) I can't see anything, I don't have my glasses...
Grif bashes those two as well. Then we see him running in circles while evading fire.
GRIF:(Rapidly) Hey guys, how's it going guys, going good over there? I'm doing the methshrooms! Meth meth methshrooms! And they're doing their thing and I'm doing my thing and everything's going great over here. I feel great, over.
Simmons, Tucker and Caboose sneakily approach a guard station. Then Sarge comes in besides them running...
SARGE:Very surprising sneak attack! Raaaargh!
...and fires his shotgun at the turret guard, followed by two soldiers next to a Warthog.
TUCKER:Damn it, Sarge!
Sarge boards the Warthog.
SARGE:Saddle up, Simmons! Or Grif! Warthog's all the action!
SIMMONS:With pleasure, sir.
The Warthog is now running, with Simmons at the turret.
SIMMONS:Yeah, suck it, Blues! And Reds! And Blues and Reds!
CAROLINA:Got three new tangos to the west.
SARGE:Copy that! Juking at 9 o'clock!
CAROLINA:Simmons! Contact! 85 degrees east.
SARGE:Simmons! By God! Two marks at 12 o'clock!
SIMMONS:Can we please settle on a consistent denomination? Are we using cardinal directions or are we using clock positions?
SARGE:Simmons! Contact! Hard to starboard!
SIMMONS:Urghh, never mind!
CAROLINA:Hard right, Sarge, you got reinforcements from the northwest.
Grif arrives holding a lot of grenades.
GRIF:You're up, Donut... Think my... (voice starts to slur, he drops the grenades) methshrooms are wearing off a bit... Nonono they're not!
DONUT:Bombs away!
Grenades are tossed at various guards, who fall dead.
BLUE:Please have mercy. I'm innocent! Also, global warming is fake news, you cucks! (laughs)
Tucker shoots this guard, who is then ran over by the Warthog and kicked by Grif. Tucker tackles a guard and fires at two others when another comes from behind him...
BLUE:Gotcha!
...until he trips and falls.
BLUE:Ooh! Who tied my shoelaces together?
TUCKER:(laughs) Good one, Caboose!
CABOOSE:I'm so sneaky. They don't even know what's happening. You can't even see me right now, Tucker.You're so confused.
Carolina is shooting.
CAROLINA:More coming in from the north. Sarge, circle back to regroup.
(Cellphone rings)
DYLAN:Hello?
DUHANSEN:Where? Where did you get it? Tell me, Dylan, where?!
DYLAN:Dr. Duhansen? Slow down. What are you talking about?
DUHANSEN:The machine. Where did it come from? It's aliens, isn't it? It has to be.
DYLAN:The machine? But you said it could never function.
DUHANSEN:I was wrong and now we're dead! We're all dead! Dylan! The damn thing is fully fucking functional!
Cronut approaches his cronies near a tank.
CRONUT:Saddle up, Lorenzo, it's time to whack these dingleberries! (Evil laughter)
Cronut boards the tank, Lorenzo takes the turret.
LORENZO:Blocca e carica, andiamo. (Lock and load, let's go.)
They fire at the Warthog, Sarge and Simmons leaving in the nick of time before it blows.
DUHANSEN:We ran the plans through our simulators, okay? Damn computers froze. It overheated, then it just works somehow. How? I don't know!
DYLAN:But you said it needs, er, supernova power.
DUHANSEN:I can't believe I'm saying this out loud, Dylan, but the damn thing is a- is a time machine. It generates power by opening a wormhole to the past and using the energy imbalance between the two timelines like a chrono-electric generator. This thing, it's insane, what am I saying?
DYLAN:A time machine? You're fucking with me.
DUHANSEN:Oh my God. I wish- I wish that were true. This is some Ark of the Covenant shit, Dylan. This is god magic.
The tank is approaching them.
CAROLINA:Tank! Coming in hard. Tucker!
TUCKER:Copy. I'm on it. Grif! Can you distract the robot?
(Grif snoring)
JAX:Ooh! I'm on it, guys!
CAROLINA:Jax! No!
Jax runs in front of the tank.
JAX:Hey! Italian robot! Uhh, Fellini sucks! Oh- oh, and uh, Dario Argento is a poser!
LORENZO:Stai zitto, coglione. (Shut up, asshole!)
JAX:Ha! And, Sergio Leone, is uhh… Overrated! A little, just a little!
LORENZO:Alarmo! Bestavia! (Alarm! Heresy!)
JAX:And soccer is boring as fuck!
Lorenzo aims his turret at Jax. Meanwhile, Tucker jumps and grabs the cannon, and while hanging from it shoots three approaching troops. He then kicks Lorenzo's head into the sky.
LORENZO:Vendetta! (I will have my vengeance!)
Tucker is now punching the front of the truck, which continues to run.
SARGE:Tucker, what in Sam Hell do you think you're doing?
TUCKER:I'm taking down this tank!
SIMMONS:By punching it?
TUCKER:Fuck yeah!
CAROLINA:That's not going to work.
TUCKER:It's totally gonna work, you assholes! I'm punching it right in the radiator!
SIMMONS:That's not how radiators work!
TUCKER:Shut up and help me punch this fucking tank!
Back to Dylan...
DYLAN:Alright, Doc, let's cut to the chase. What happens if someone uses this fucking time machine laser drill?
DUHANSEN:Well, say goodbye to that planet! Setting aside the tsunamis, earthquakes, and mega volcanoes, the bigger problem is Newton.
DYLAN:Care to elaborate?
DUHANSEN:Newton's Third Law! Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The law of consequences! You can't steal energy from the past without the energy coming back to haunt you.
DYLAN:Sounds bad.
DUNHANSEN:Quantum singularity bad! Black hole sucking up the planet bad! Now, Dylan, I'd love to stay curious and chat forever, But me and the guys need to run some tests on how fast we can get shit-faced wasted and passed out under our lab desks... Before dying.
DYLAN:Sounds like a plan, Doctor! Thanks for the insight.
Tucker is still punching the tank while everyone else watches.
SIMMONS:Tucker, stop it.
SARGE:Don't listen to him. This is the best idea you've ever had!
CAROLINA:You're going to break your arm.
TUCKER:No, I ain't! I'm gonna break this fucking tank!
CAROLINA:Tucker, please-
(BOOM!)
TUCKER:Ahahaha, shit, yeah! Check me out. motherfuckers! Tucker's got his groove back!
CAROLINA:That should not have worked.
Now they're all around Dylan, who has explained the thing she heard.
DYLAN:Fully functional, he said. Powered by an honest-to-gods time machine.
SIMMONS:But, time travel is impossible!
TUCKER:How can you say that? We've traveled in time before.
SIMMONS:No, we didn't. We just thought we did. Don't you remember?
TUCKER:Aw, shit. I think you might be right. All that shit was so confusing.
DYLAN:Regardless, if Temple switches on this damn thing, it's the apocalypse! That's what matters right now.
CAROLINA:He wouldn't destroy the planet for... vengeance...
DYLAN:He might not even know! He might not be thinking about anything but revenge!
SIMMONS:Yeah, he might be an idiot.
TUCKER:Well, he's definitely dangerous. Come on, let's go.
GRIF:Ughhhh, I'm gonna- I'm gonna need a minute, guys.
SIMMONS:I told you that taking all the meth methshrooms at once was a terrible idea.
GRIF:Yeah, I'm gonna hurl. Oh no. (Kneels, and starts gagging)
SIMMONS:(Sighs) I'll hold your head...
TUCKER:Well, you've got 30 seconds. We still got work to do. Before that psychopath turns on the time machine.
A pillar of light ignites atop the mountain.
DYLAN:Oh no. We're too late.


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 20: Blue vs. Blue

Open to Loco looking at a screen.
LOCO:Working! It's working! It's alive! (Forced evil laughter)
TEMPLE:For real?
LOCO:Yes, the resonance cascade is going! the drill is drilling! And the door, the door will be opening too! Hooray!
TEMPLE:Loco, you magnificent bastard! I love you right now!
Surge enters
SURGE:Let's not pop the champagne just yet. The Reds and Blues are inside the facility. They have breached the outer defenses!
TEMPLE:FUCK! Oh, well, whatever. Surge, hold them off. You just need to buy us time.
SURGE:But I don't have the re-
TEMPLE:But nothing, Grunt! A soldier follows orders, no matter what. You taught me that. So, make good on that, and buy us some motherfucking time.
SURGE:Sir, yes, sir! (Leaves)
LOCO:Ooh! They're here! Oh boy! I-I have to get something from the ship.
TEMPLE:Woah, like hell! You need to stay here and watch these controls!
LOCO:It runs itself! Plus, I'll be real quick!
TEMPLE:Fine. But listen, Loco. The Reds and Blues are our mortal enemies. If you see them, you have to kill them. Got it?
LOCO:OK. (Runs out)
TEMPLE:And make it quick.
Cut the Blood Gulch Crew, Carolina, Jax and Dylan standing in an area of the base
TUCKER:Listen up, mission's simple. Find that crazy machine and shut it the fuck down.
SIMMONS:Uh, which way?
TUCKER:No choice, we've got to split up. Reds, head thataways. The Blues and me and Carolina will take the other door.
DYLAN:That was a hell of a hike up here, Carolina. Are you sure you don't need a minute?
CAROLINA:Yes, I'm sure. If I take it easy, I'll be fine. You, on the other hand?
DYLAN:Jax and I will stay here where it's safe for us. It's better that way.
TUCKER:Let the record state that we all know you're lying.
DYLAN:Duly noted.
TUCKER:Take Donut for protection at least.
DONUT:I knew I wore my latex armor for a reason!
GRIF:Why does Dylan get both the human shields?
SARGE:Reds! On me! As far as days to die go, it's a little overcast. So, let's check our corners and make these bastards pay!
TUCKER:Blues! Let's light the fires and kick the tires!
SARGE:Reds! Let's dance with these monkeys and give 'em what for!
TUCKER:Blues! Let's put the pedal to the metal and the rubber to the road!
SARGE:Reds! Let's get jiggy with it!
DYLAN:Does this sort of thing happen often?
CAROLINA:I think the record is two hours.
SARGE:Reds! Let's shoot this monkey full of heroin and put it on YouTube! Actually, let's not do that, it sounds completely horrible.
Cut to a trio of zealots. Two of whom are shot down
SARGE:Sneak attack! (Shoots the remaining blue zealot) Oo-rah! Ha ha!
Two zealots fire at Sarge, Grif and Simmons, but they both get shot
SARGE:Reds! Let's teach these midgets how to tango!
Cut to Tucker, Caboose and Carolina walking down a hallway, unaware of a pair of blue zealots coming up behind them
CABOOSE:Oh, look! A penny. (Crouches down)
Carolina turns and knocks the two zealots down with melee before collapsing
TUCKER:Taking it easy, huh?
CAROLINA:Shut up! ...and help me up, please.
Cut to the Reds walking up a staircase and confronting Surge
SARGE AND SURGE:(At the same time) Well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.
GRIF:I can't believe I have to hear this shit in stereo now.
SIMMONS:Hey, um, Tucker already made that joke.
GRIF:God damn it!
SARGE:Grif, Simmons, get on out of here.
SIMMONS:Uh, Sarge, if you'll allow me, I think that's stupid. We've got him outnumbered three to one. Let's just shoot him and move on.
GRIF:It would be so easy.
SIMMONS:Just put a cap in his ass, and stroll.
SARGE:No! I must face my demons, mano a mano. Now go.
GRIF:Hey, come on. We don't have time for this. (Leaves)
SIMMONS:Uh, try hard to win, sir. (Follows Grif)
SARGE:Well. Here we are.
SURGE:Two men enter, one man leaves. Dun dun!
SARGE:Dun dun dun dun!
SURGE:Dun dun dun dun!
SARGE:Dun dun dun dun dun dun!
SURGE:Dun dun!
SARGE:Dun dun dun!
SURGE:Dun dun! Dun!
SARGE:Surge, it doesn't have to be this way. We can walk on out of here together.
SURGE:Unlike you, I would never betray my duty.
SARGE:My god, Man! Open your eyes! You enlisted in the army to help save the world, and here you are about to destroy it!
SURGE:Am not!
SARGE:Are too!
SURGE:Well, you're the one who betrayed orders! At least when I die, I'll die with honor.
SARGE:Honor, schmonor.
SURGE:Audible gasp!
SARGE:There's more to life than blindly following orders like some automaton.
SURGE:What, like friendship?
SARGE:Like knowing right from wrong, and good from evil, and Red from Blue. That's what makes us. Without it, we ain't even soldiers. We're villains! Terroristas. Vampires...
SURGE:I AIN'T NO VAMPIRE!
Surge fires his rail gun at Sarge, who ducks and shoots him with his shotgun. Surge staggers backwards towards the incinerator he's standing in front of, but Sarge grabs his chestplate before he falls in
SURGE:Let me go. It's better I die in battle.
SARGE:No. That would be wrong, Surge, and a true soldier always knows the difference. That's what real honor, real patriotism, real duty, is all about- (Salutes, accidentally letting go of Surge, causing him to fall into the incinerator)
SURGE:(Screams)
SARGE:Oh, whoops.
Cut to Tucker, Caboose and Carolina walking up to a door and opening it, revealing-
DOC:Oh, friends! Thank my stars!
TUCKER:You?
DOC:We have to hurry! The Blues and Reds are up to some serious, really bad, not good at all mischief, and we've got to stop them!
TUCKER:You've got some real nerve, Doc.
DOC:What? Guys, I found out about their plans and tried to talk them out of it. It dodn't go... great, and then they locked me up, I swear!
TUCKER:Bull-fucking-shit!
DOC:Scout's honor! Except I was never a scout because I'm afraid of badges. But I'm telling you, the Blues and Reds have broken bad, guys. I'm really worried about them.
TUCKER:Do you believe a word this asshole is saying, Carolina? (Beat) Carolina? (Sees Carolina collapsing) Oh, shit!
Tucker and Doc walk up to her
DOC:Oh, jeez! What did Temple do to you? They told me you and Wash were at the spa!
TUCKER:Who would believe that?
CAROLINA:Tucker, you thought we were out getting food.
TUCKER:I-- Okay, hearing that back now, it does sound kinda stupid.
DOC:You need medical attention, Carolina. The fact that you made it this far without collapsing is... not really human.
TUCKER:What do you think you're doing?
DOC:Tucker, I am the only person within a thousand miles with any medical knowledge whatsoever. Now, it's not much, and I'd honestly feel much more comfortable if there was someone besides me who knew what they were doing... and it's been a while since I've actually practiced, and come to think of it, this is not really a medical device, it's actually an alien pistol--
CAROLINA:Okay, please stop talking. Tucker, it's fine. You go after Temple, I'll catch up when I can.
TUCKER:(Sighs) ...Damn it!
CAROLINA:And Tucker- don't kill him unless you have to.
TUCKER:No promises.
GRIF:Agh! They're coming up behind us!
SIMMONS:I'll find cover.
GRIF:Agh! Simmons!
Just shoot him, Grif! Hurry!
No, Grif, shoot him, he's Gene!
Grif, don't listen to him, I'm the real Simmons.
He's lying, Grif, shoot him!
GRIF:Agh, shit!
I can't hold it, Grif, shoot him!
GRIF:Why are we here?
SIMMONS AND GENE IN UNISON:What?
GRIF:I said why are we here? Answer me, now!
Because we need to stop these evil fucks, that's why!
No.
SIMMONS:We don't know why we're here. It's still one of life's great mysteries, isn't it?
GENE:Ow! Aghhh!
SIMMONS:Thanks, Grif.
GRIF:No problem, dude.
GENE:Help! I'm sorry I tried to kill you, it wasn't personal! Uuugh, help me up, Simmons! Help me up! We can work on inventory spreadsheets together! We'd quote Star Wars and solve quadratic equations!
GRIF:What are you thinking?
SIMMONS:I mean, he is all the way over there... Ehh, maybe we can come back for him later.
GENE:What?! What are you talking about?
SIMMONS:I guess I'm just feeling kind of... lazy.
GRIF:Nice.
GENE:Agh, fuck you, asshole! Fuck you, Simmons! I lied about Star Wars- I actually prefer the prequels! Hahaha! I'm gonna Darth Maul this and come back in a shitty video game!
GRIF:Christ, he's annoying.
SIMMONS:Oh my God, right? It's not just me?
BUCKY:Aghh! Suck it, you stupid bastards! When I kill you, I'm gonna defile your corpses. Boom chicka wah wah- (Gun clicks empty) Fuck.
Bucky attempts to use Tucker's sword.
BUCKY:Come on. Come on! Fuck... Fuck!
TUCKER:What's the matter, Bucky? Can't get it up?
TUCKER:Ohhh, so tight.
TUCKER:Game over, Temple.
TEMPLE:Hardly, more like game on- and just in time for the fireworks, no less.
TUCKER:Turn that thing the fuck off!
TEMPLE:Impossible, plus, aren't you curious about what happens next? According to Loco, we're almost to the awesome part. I, for one, am quite curious about this "door" he keeps going on about.
TUCKER:What happens next is you're going to destroy the fucking planet if you don't turn off that machine!
TEMPLE:No need to be dramatic--
DYLAN:It's true. Loco's machine is a doomsday device. You'll destroy the UNSC, but you'll wipe out the entire planet in the process.
TEMPLE:Bullshit, you all just want to help the UNSC in exchange for more medals or favors. Well, fuck you. And anyway, it's too late; no off switch, you see? You can't stop it and neither can I.
SARGE:Hands up, dirtbag.
TEMPLE:Sir, yes, sir!
TEMPLE:It's toasty in here, isn't it? Why don't we all just fucking chill...
Beep!
TUCKER:God damn it! I can't move!
SARGE:Son of a... I'm stiff as a statue!
DONUT:I'm stiff too! And my armor is locked!
CABOOSE:What's wrong with them?
TEMPLE:Oh, that's right. You're a special case, aren't you, Caboose? Courtesy of that old helmet of yours. How about this- you don't fucking move, and I don't fucking pop your friends like pimples with this remote?
TUCKER:He's bluffing.
TEMPLE:Try me. OK, Shelly, play 'Monologue Mix.'
TEMPLE:You know, you all remind me of my favorite Churchill quote- "Yours is a story told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing." Apropos, no?
SARGE:Meh, My monologues were better.
TEMPLE:Rome wasn't burned in a day, but the UNSC will be! You attacked them, on behalf of Kimball, and independence, and the DNA that you left at our base will be the icing on your destruction. You'll be stuck between a rock and the frying pan.
JAX:Oh, my ears! You are terrible with metaphors.
DYLAN:Temple, you have to stop this! We're not lying about the planet!
TEMPLE:I didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning. They made their cake, now they can lie in it!
TUCKER:What about the dozens you killed? Your own men? The pilots at Desert Gulch, who answers for them?
TEMPLE:Oh, if I said that I would weep for them would it make you feel any better?
GRIF:No, but kicking your ass might! Get away from my pals! You dipshit! Hyaaaahahah!
TEMPLE:That was amazing! Do it again, do it again! So much for heroism. Join your friends in the circle or die here.
GRIF:I'm not going anywhere.
TEMPLE:Have it your way.
DYLAN:What's the matter, Temple? Afraid of blood?
TEMPLE:Shut up!
SARGE:Ha ha, alright!
TUCKER:Game on, bitches!
LOCO:Hey! Caboose! I have something for you, Caboose!
TEMPLE:Oh, fuck! Ugh, that idiot!
CABOOSE:Loco!
LOCO:Your batteries - I brought you some, Caboose. You can- You can fix Freckles now.
CABOOSE:Oh, oh thank you. Is he... is he gonna die?
DYLAN:I think so. Loco, the machine. How do we turn it off?
LOCO:You can't. Impossible, but, Caboose! I did make the door because friends, best friends should be able...able to say goodbye.
DYLAN:What does he mean?
LOCO:Bye bye...
CABOOSE:Bye...
CHURCH:Caboose? Rookie, what the hell are you doing up here? You're supposed to be guarding the flag!


Red vs. Blue Season 15
Episode 21: Epilogues

As DYLAN, JAX, and the Blood Gulch Crew stare in shock, CABOOSE slowly turns to see CHURCH standing on the other side of the portal, in Blood Gulch from all those years ago.
CHURCH:What the FUCK guys?! I came up here for some peace and quiet!
DYLAN:(shocked) What on Earth is happening?
JAX:(scoffing) Loco's machine opened a portal to the past! Jeez, Dylan, try to keep up.
TUCKER:Oh, no-freakin'-way!
LOCO:(last gasps) Hurry! Hurry, Caboose... you don't... have... long... herk, blergh!
CABOOSE slowly approaches the portal.
TUCKER:Caboose! Pull him through!
CABOOSE:No, Tucker. I... I know what I need to do.
CHURCH:Seriously, what the fuck is happening right now? Is there something in the water?
CABOOSE:Church... Church, there's a lot of things I never got to say, and... I know I won't get another chance to say them, so: I think you are cool. Like, super awesome, amazing cool and... I, I always felt like really awesome too, when we were hanging out together. You know, I never really felt sad...when you died, because––
CHURCH:What do you mean when I died?!
CABOOSE shushes CHURCH by putting a finger against his visor through the portal (hello animation contrast).
CABOOSE:Shh, shh, sh. (on the verge of tears) I-I never felt sad when you died because I couldn't imagine a world without you. But I know it's real. I... I know. And I'm sad. Things...things really aren't okay without you. But I know with my other friends––who, even if you add them all up together aren't really cool as you––I know we're all gonna be okay. (firmer) I know we're all gonna be okay. (with finality) I know we're all gonna be okay. Go back to heaven now, Church. And say hello to Loco when you get there. He was alright too.
The portal closes on CHURCH as he speaks.
CHURCH:All right, which one you asshats wants to tell what the fuck is going on right now?
As soon as it closes, the machine begins to overload.
SARGE:What in the name of Patton's gray ghost was that?!
SIMMONS:I don't know if we're gonna be around long enough to parse together a theory!
DYLAN:We're out of time! We need to do something!
TUCKER:Like what? Shoot it?
Beat.
JAX:Oh! No, we need a sacrifice!
DYLAN:Shut up, Jax.
JAX:No, listen! That's how this always works! One of us needs to heroically sacrifice themselves while giving an emotional monologue!
SARGE:Dammit, he's right!
DYLAN:What?
TUCKER:Sarge!
SARGE:But who's willing to lay down their life to save everyone else...?
GRIF:Not it!
SIMMONS:(immediately) Not it!
TUCKER:NO ONE NEEDS TO MAKE A HEROIC SACRIFICE!
V.I.C.:Yo-yo-yo! Did I just hear the words "heroico sacrificico"?
TUCKER:Ah, goddammit!
DYLAN:V.I.C.! Vic, I know it's a long shot, but it appears this machine has some computer systems. Can you try to acc––
V.I.C.:Ya ya ya! And this is Wish Number... uh... uh...
DYLAN:Wish Number Three! The last one. Now go!
V.I.C. quickly downloads into the system. He appears on a screen.
V.I.C.:Oh boy! Hey guys! Hey du-didilly-do! I've never seen a system like this one before!
DYLAN:Can you stop it?!
V.I.C.:No way! NO WAY! BUT MAYBE I CAN STABILIZE IT! I'LL GIVE IT A TRY, DUUDEEERRRIIINOOO...!!!
As the machine overloads, time stops, and a dial tone plays. There is a brief moment of only static. Then...
V.I.C.:Dudes, dudettees, and duderinos! If you're hearing this message, that's because I can't get to the phone right now. It also means I had to erasemy cebasa to save all of y'all. Yerrr welcome! Your old buddy Vic only has one more thing to say to you dudes...
An 8-bit version of "Contact (Final Transmission)" begins to play as a frozen shot of the Reds and Blues plays. Boy, this sure looks and sounds familiar.
V.I.C.:You know, there are so many stories where some brave hero steps up and goes and gives their lives to save the day. And because of it, the good guys win, the survivors all cheer hurray! and everybody lives happily ever after. EXCEPT FOR VIC! Oh yeah! I'm out of here! Leave a message after the beep, compadres! But I won't check it, because I'm in the eternal infinity! This is 5-5-5 V-I-C-K signing off!
He appears one last time on screen.
V.I.C.:(threatening) And if anybody backed me up, I will punch you in the nuts.
Time resumes. The machine seems to turn off.
TUCKER:Did he do it?
DYLAN:He did...something...
The machine begins to crackle with electricity. A bolt flies out and briefly hits DONUT with its charge.
DONUT:(giggling) Whoah! It tickles! E-he-he-whoaaa!
The noise grows loud...and then the machine anticlimactically simply pops out of existence, leaving no trace of it behind.
GRIF:Does someone wanna explain what the fuck just happened?
TUCKER:We uh...we won! I think?
He turns in time to see TEMPLE trying to sneak away. He angrily approaches him and draws his sword. TEMPLE freezes in place.
TUCKER:This is for Wash, you piece of shit...
CAROLINA and DOC approach.
CAROLINA:Tucker, stop.
TUCKER:Oh, come on! Now you show up?
CAROLINA:Don't kill him.
TEMPLE:(terrified) I-I think she makes a great point, Tucker!
TUCKER:But he deserves it more than anyone! He's a killer!
CAROLINA:And so are we. But we're a different sort, Tucker. We only fight and take lives when we have to. And you don't have to this time.
TEMPLE:Yeah, Tucker! If you kill me, you'll just perpetuate this never-ending cycle of revenge and retaliation! (attempting to segue into monologue mode) My friends will avenge me!
TUCKER:(sly) What friends?
TEMPLE has no response as he looks around, lost.
TEMPLE:I...uh...
TUCKER raises his sword.
TEMPLE:No, nononono! Don't please...!
Just as he swings it down, TUCKER retracts the sword and instead punches TEMPLE out cold.
TUCKER:Dickhead.
Fade to the shore, where the Lieutenants from Chorus have arrived in a ship, meeting the Reds and Blues there.
SMITH:Did somebody call for backup?
PALOMO:Aww, we didn't miss the party, did we?
TUCKER:Hey! Look who finally showed up.
GRIF:Just in time to mop up another one of our messes.
SISTER:(offscreen) Big bro? Is that you?!
GRIF looks and sees SISTER running down the gangplank towards him.
SISTER:Dex?!
GRIF:Aw, hell... what are you doing here?
SISTER:I was on Chorus for business when these weirdos got your call. They let me tag along!
GRIF:Business?! Oh god, do I need to confiscate your webcams again?!
SISTER:Bitch, shut up and hug me!
SISTER hugs GRIF. After a moment, he returns the hug.
JENSEN:Oh! You'll be happy to know Dr. Grey has Washington alive and recovering!
CAROLINA:Oh, that's music.
TUCKER:Oh, thank Christ.
PALOMO:Oh, he asked us to deliver an important message to you all. But then he just sang the DuckTales theme song and fell back to sleep. (singing DuckTales) A-woo-oo!
SMITH:President Kimball has questions about his delivery to Chorus. Apparently, no one at DD General can figure out how he ended up at the hospital in the first place.
SIMMONS:(awkward) That's a, hrm, a long story... Uh, maybe don't worry her with it right now.
DYLAN:But I have a feeling her relationship with the UNSC will get a little easier after we file the final story.
SIMMONS:How about V.I.C., huh?
SARGE:Amen. The least we owe our fallen comrade here is a moment of respectful silence...
Barely a moment.
SARGE:(quickly) Anyway, who's hungry?
SIMMONS:I'm peckish. I could eat.
TUCKER:I could go for some grub.
GRIF:I could eat a horse!
CAROLINA:With you, I'm worried that's not a figure of speech...
GRIF:That's a figure of speech?
SIMMONS:What the fuck is wrong with you?
GRIF:Whatever. Are we done here? Because I've got some volleyballs to spike in this fucking volcano.
Cut to DYLAN and JAX alone on a rock.
DYLAN:Job well done, Jax. Nothing left to do but post this bad boy.
JAX:And read all the comment threads!
DYLAN:Any idea what you'll do when the dust settles? Back to film school?
JAX:Well, I don't know. Gotta say, this whole thing did give me a wicked idea for a movie!
DYLAN:(truthfully) Send me the script when it's done, will ya? I'd love to check it out.
JAX:Of course!
DYLAN:And uh...good job, partner.
JAX:Dylan... you know I'll never forget this, right? (thousand-yard stare) I mean, PTSD is forever, isn't it?
Cut to DYLAN in the crashed remains of her ship. She is talking on a sliplink with CARLOS TRABKA.
DYLAN:(cheerfully) Hi Carlos, guess who...?
CARLOS:(passive-aggressively cheerful) Dylan Andrews, that's whooo! I'm so excited. How are you?
DYLAN:I'm well! How are you?
CARLOS:Well, after you stole my ship and went missing with my nephew, I did have somewhat of a breakdown. But I'm fine now! The doctors have me on horse tranquilizers, and I feel like a fluffy soft load of laundry! Hehehehehe! Please, please, Dylan! Enough about me! How are you doing?
DYLAN:Great! The assignment's all finished.
CARLOS:Ooohh, that's wonderful news! I never doubted you for a single solitary second! Tell me: Dylan, how is my nephew?
DYLAN:He's good! His bullet wounds are healing nicely!
CARLOS:(starting to crack) B-bullet...did you say his wounds? Wounds as in...p-p-plural?
DYLAN:Yeah! Multiple gunshot wounds! He's in much better shape than your ship, though! This thing is totaled.
CARLOS:My ship is totaled. (more cracks) My shiiiiiiiii...doesn't matter! Does not matter. You know what really matters? The story! Did you get the story!
DYLAN's sliplink starts to ring. It's her husband JAMES ADLER.
DYLAN:Yes, but it'll have to wait. Someone is finally returning my call.
CARLOS:(finally breaking) I'M NOT WAITING! Don't you dare hang up on me, alright?! I'm not above putting a contract out on your stinky filthy pencil-headed little life, Dylan! AHAHAHAHA...!
DYLAN:(like V.I.C.) Yo, dude! Take a chill pill! I don't have the bandwidth for the full feed, but I can at least send you the wrap-up while I take this.
CARLOS:You listen to me! I'm talking––
DYLAN hangs up and takes JAMES's call.
DYLAN:Hi James...
We cut to a shot of the Reds and Blues and the Lieutenants staring off into the sunset.
DYLAN:(voiceover) When I first described the Reds and Blues, I called them heroes. But that may have been premature. What I've come to understand after spending time with them is that they're more than that. They're stupid...and arrogant...and lazy...and selfish...and stubborn. None of the qualities any reasonable person would call heroic.
AS DYLAN CONTINUES TO TALK, WE PAN OVER SHOTS OF, IN ORDER:the retirement base, Desert Gulch, Armonia, Sidewinder, the abandoned city, and the underwater lair.
DYLAN:What the Reds and Blues have taught me is that...it's not the sum of your parts that makes you who you are. It's not what you're endowed with, not your intelligence or strength, but what you hold onto throughout the hardest trials of life. These people have shown me that real heroes are not born, they're forged. A friend told me once that there's no faith but what you make. And I think he's right.
We get a shot of GRIF and SIMMONS next to each other.
DYLAN:What makes a hero is their ability to choose light over darkness.
A shot of SARGE.
DYLAN:To walk through fire and not be burned.
A shot of LOPEZ's head at the bottom of the ocean.
DYLAN:To fall from great heights and not be broken.
A shot of DR. GREY looking at WASHINGTON lying on a table.
DYLAN:To be changed and reborn and be better for it again and again.
A shot of CABOOSE.
DYLAN:It's who you become when you lose someone close.
A shot of TUCKER and CAROLINA.
DYLAN:When the world stops making sense, when you're thrust into responsibility that you never asked for.
And a shot of Blood Gulch.
DYLAN:That's what makes a hero...and that's what makes the Reds and Blues some of the greatest our universe has ever seen.
One last shot of the Reds and Blues on the island.
DYLAN:This has been Dylan Andrews, Interstellar Daily.
Credits.
Mid-Credits Scene 1 Edit
Two PRISON GUARDS walks through the cells. They approach one containing TEMPLE, CRONUT, and BUCKEY.
PRISON GUARD:Mealtime! (chuckling) Something special for you guys.
TEMPLE:(annoyed) Let me guess...
A plate of fish is left for them.
TEMPLE:(sighing) Awesome.
Mid-Credits Scene 2 Edit
JAX IS IN SOME HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVE'S (WHO IS OFFSCREEN) OFFICE. THERE ARE SOME MOVIE POSTERS IN THE BACKGROUND, FOR FILMS CALLED BLACK TWINS:Origins, Episode CCXIX, and Gunshooter V: Shooter of Guns. On the desk is a huge binder stacked full of paper.
JAX:And then Temple says, "Revenge is a dish best served frozen," and he freezes them right in their armor!
HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVE:(interested) Alright, alright! Skip to the end now, how does it all wrap up?
JAX:Well, you'll just have to read the script to find out. All 311 pages.
HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVE:Hard to believe this all really happened!
JAX:It's all true! Every single word...for the most part. I took some dramatic license with the movie references, oh, just a few plot points here and there, but that's the gist of it, you know, the gist of it!...more or less.
HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVE:Well, our studio hasn't made an original movie in a few hundred years, but we might be interested! You shopping this around at all?
JAX:Listen, Pete! I got offers all over Tinseltown for this spec, but if you're looking for something else, I could tell you about a little movie called Moon Doom...
CHURCH stands on the cliff, staring at the portal closing.
CHURCH:...what the actual fuck? Alright, well, I'm just gonna try to forget that ever happened and never bring it up again.
The end.


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 1: The Shisno

In the Medieval times, the blue sky pans down to a lone stone parapet. A lute can be heard playing in the background. Two knights - one wearing orange and the other wearing maroon - stand guard atop the watchtower armed with crossbows, before having an all too familiar conversation, albeit in Old English.
MAROON KNIGHT:Ho!
ORANGE KNIGHT:Hark?
MAROON KNIGHT:Doth thee ever wonder wherefore we be hither?
ORANGE KNIGHT:Ah, one of life's most wondrous mysteries. Wherefore art we hither? Art we the product of some cosmic coincidence? Or perhaps the Lord God doth watch over everything after all? I knoweth not, good sir, but it doth keep me up at night.
Beat.
MAROON KNIGHT:What? I meanst wherefore art we out here? Betwixted in this canyon? What wast all yon stuffeth about God?
ORANGE KNIGHT:Wha- ! (chuckles) No! It- It was- It was naught. It was naught!
MAROON KNIGHT:Doth thee... wanteth to speaketh it?
ORANGE KNIGHT:Nay.
MAROON KNIGHT:Are thee sure?
ORANGE KNIGHT:Oh- um, yea.
MAROON KNIGHT:Loseth not thy faith, my unfusty cousin. The Lord God doth gaze upon all of us from His high seat on the throne of Heaven. He hath a purpose for each one of us! I assure you, we art all part of His holy plan!
Unbeknownst to the two of them, a pink portal opens up behind them. The camera zooms into the portal as it zooms through a blue tunnel while a voice speaks.
MUGGINS:There is an unwritten rule in our universe, where the greatest changes hinge on the humblest of actions. A trick, an act of friendship, a slice of pepperoni pizza. Suddenly, all is lost. The end is nigh...
A montage showing some of the latter moments from the previous season are shown while the voice continues to speak.
MUGGINS:The fates told us that the beginning of our end was an ending of its own, but their prophecy came too late. Not before the Reds and Blues have vanquished their foe. Not before their foe had activated the temporal vortex. Most critically, not before the device fulfilled its true purpose. We watched in horror, my lord, unable to prevent the calamity that follows.
The Reds, Blues, Chorus Lieutenants, along with CAROLINA, DOC, DYLAN ANDREWS, and JAX JONES all stand together not too long after the ending of the previous episode.
GRIF:I could eat a horse!
CAROLINA:With you, I'm worried that's not a figure of speech.
GRIF:That's a figure of speech?
SIMMONS:What the fuck is wrong with you?
GRIF:Whatever, are we done here? 'Cuz I got some volleyballs to spike in this fucking volcano.
SIMMONS:Was that an attempt at a metaphor?
TUCKER:Yo, are we serious about grub? My stomach is rumbling! With all the fighting and shooting, I think we skipped a meal or three.
SARGE:There ain't no good reason to go out for chow! We still got MRE's to spare! I've got an emergency supply stuffed in Lopez for this very situation!
CAROLINA:You seriously keep food in Lopez?
SARGE:Yes ma'am, right up his keister! Waaaay deep in there, next to his radioisotope nuclear generator! They always stay nice and toasty! Mm-mm.
SISTER:Kinky.
PALOMO:Gross!
SIMMONS:You think that's gross? Just wait till you see where the condiments come out...
GRIF:Look guys, we could get leukemia from eating out of Lopez's butt literally anytime, but right now, we're on Earth. Culinary capital of the civilized galaxy! Let's go out!
TUCKER:Shouldn't we stick around? Deal with the cops?
DYLAN:May be best to let us handle that. The UNSC still thinks you're all terrorists. I'd suggest lay low until the truth comes to light.
TUCKER:Great, so food.
GRIF:Maybe Italian?
SARGE:How 'bout a blood sausage? Or some blood pudding? Or the blood of my ADVERSARIES! You know, just to mix things up.
TUCKER:Chili's is always tight.
GRIF:There's a Chili's on Chorus now, we could do that anytime.
CABOOSE:Oh! How 'bout Home Depot? They have the best cotton candy.
CAROLINA:And now, we know where all the wall insulation went...
TUCKER:Steaks! How 'bout a big ol' rib-eye?
DOC:Maybe something with a vegetarian option?
GRIF:You don't get a vote! You lost it when you betrayed us. (under his breath) Purple Judas...
SISTER:Hooters?
TUCKER:Lifetime ban.
SIMMONS:Donut?
GRIF:Simmons, I like the way you think, but let's save that for dessert.
SIMMONS:No, where's Donut? Shouldn't he be down here yelling about fondue?
GRIF:Dammit! Caboose, we know you'll eat anything. Why don't you just go find Donut? We'll make a plan!
CABOOSE:Okay, I'll find him.
SIMMONS:How about sushi?
SARGE:No way, Jose! Red team only eats winner chow! No food from any country that ever lost a World War! No German! No Japanese! And no French Canadian!
Caboose walks out from behind a rock
CABOOSE:Has anyone seen my penny?
GRIF:Caboose, focus! What did we tell you to do?
CABOOSE:Start a fixed-interest savings account!
GRIF:No! Find Donut!
CABOOSE:OK! (leaves)
SISTER:How about poke?
GRIF:Gross, no fish! I want something that can give me a heart attack! How do you feel about turducken?
Meanwhile, Caboose walks back into the facility to look for Donut.
CABOOSE:Hey Donut! Hey, uh, you know, we're getting some food. Do you, uh.... eat food?
Multiple copies of Donut are shown running around the room screaming, some zapping in and out of existence, and some lined up turning their heads one by one. Disturbing noises can be heard from the Donuts. Caboose, of course, remains oblivious to what goes on in front of him.
CABOOSE:Ah, yeah, me too. Tell me, how do you feel about Greek?
All of Donut's copies zap back into the real Donut, who levitates in the air and gets his body bent in many unnatural ways, causing him to scream.
CABOOSE:Yeah, me neither. What about fish and chips?
Donut continues to scream in pain has his body starts to spin and have spikes protruding from him.
CABOOSE:...yeah, I am always confused about that too. Why say chips when you mean freedom fries?
Donut screams out loudly one more time before his body suddenly pops out of existence.
CABOOSE:Yeah, okay! See you soon.
Back outside...
GRIF:That's it, I'm putting my foot down.
TUCKER:Well, let's just--
GRIF:Trust me, dudes! Sammie Raphaello's is the best fucking pizza on Earth.
SIMMONS:Sarge?
SARGE:I can live with pizza. Like Doc, the Italians switched sides at the last minute in all three world wars! But no calzones! We're leaving the calzone in the friendzone.
GRIF:Great! So there's... twelve of us?
PALOMO:Nah, we're good. We all ate on the way here. There's an In-N-Out in the Delta Ari system now!
JENSEN:And we really need to get back home, there are some very interesting things happening on Chorus these days!
GRIF:Can't wait to change the subject! I mean... Can't wait to hear all about it! But later, not now.
CAROLINA:If you guys are heading back to Chorus, I'd love to hitch a ride. I'd like to make sure Wash is on the mend. Not that you'd need my permission, but you all have earned some R&R. Enjoy your pizza, and grab a to-go slice for Washington.
TUCKER:One slice? I'm bringing that dude back a deep dish and garlic knots.
SISTER:I'm in! It sounds fun. And maybe we can get into some crazy shit along the way!
GRIF:No adventures! We are not getting involved in any more stupid bullshit! I've invented a new science to make sure of it.
SIMMONS:A new science?
GRIF:You can't tell, but I'm winking pretty hard right now.
Caboose rejoins the group.
TUCKER:Caboose! You were supposed to bring back Donut!
CABOOSE:Ah, yeah, uh, Donut's gone. He left.
TUCKER:He left the island?
CABOOSE:Uhhh, yes! Definitely though.
CAROLINA:I'm confused, where did he go?
CABOOSE:You know, he didn't say. It was a little rude.
GRIF:Good enough for me! Let's boogie.
SARGE:And leave Donut behind?
SIMMONS:Yeah, sounds like he left us.
TUCKER:Maybe we should look around, just to be sure.
SARGE:Alright! Ain't no party like a search party!
GRIF:No! No looking around, no more standing around talking, no more nothing! Let's just get out of here before the cops show up and stick us in space Guantanamo where the food is terrible!
SISTER:Someone's hangry...
SIMMONS:That's Grif's secret, he's always hangry...
GRIF:You're goddamn right I'm hangry! I don't understand why everything has to be such a great big goddamn production with you people! We're going out for pizza! Not some epic quest!
CABOOSE:We're going on a pizza quest!
GRIF:(sigh) Do not call it that. It is not a pizza quest, we're going to Sammie Raphaello's for a large pepperoni, end of story.
The two ships then take off. Suddenly, two small light beings come out of hiding, having overheard the Reds and Blues conversation.
HUGGINS:Oh. The. Gods! Muggins, can you friggin' believe it?
MUGGINS:Settle, Huggins! Watch closely and do not let the mortals leave your sight.
HUGGINS:Oh. Yeah! Solo mission for the rookie! I can handle it, chief! Coach! Uh... capitan!!
MUGGINS:I will return as soon as I can. Do not let them see you.
HUGGINS:I'm an invisible fly on an invisible wall! Zip, zip, zeep!
Huggins follows the Reds and Blues, while Muggins travels out of Earth's atmosphere into the cosmos of space. As he flies through space, the season's opening credits are listed. Muggins eventually arrives at a planet located near a black hole. He enters a castle and flies by a figure in green armor golfing.
GENKINS:No running in the hall, Mug-bug!
Muggins then approaches his superior, a giant sitting on a throne of sorts.
MUGGINS:Your grace, I bear grave tidings from the human homeworld.
ATLUS:Speak.
MUGGINS:The final prophecy is unfolding. The Pizza Quest is begun!


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 2: Incendiary Incidents

In a grassy area surrounded by forests...
GRIF:Let’s just go. Just once, let’s just not and say we did.
SARGE:Nice try, Grif. You ain’t truffle-shufflin’ your way out of this one.
GRIF:Guys. I already know what you’re going to say, so there’s no reason to say it. Why don’t we skip the part where you all make fun of me for crashing the Pelican and move on!
The next shot shows the Reds and Blues standing next to the crashed Pelican.
GRIF:I’m sure that every single one of your insults was clever and funny and witty and smart! So let’s just mark ‘em all as ‘read,’ okay? Ya got me, I’m got.
SARGE:Grif, regulations clearly state that any pilot who crashes a spaceship because he got too excited about stuffed crust is subject to at least an hour of roasting! Per survivor!
TUCKER:That’s going to take forever. Can’t we just go once around the horn?
SARGE:Aww! How in Sam Hell am I supposed to cram 350 pounds of pure failure into a single insult?
GRIF:That counts! Sis?
SISTER:You should really stick with what you’re good at, big bro: not calling Mom, and sucking the cheese out of mozzarella sticks.
DOC:Maybe next time you’ll--
GRIF:Primary cast only.
TUCKER:Next time we need a pilot, I’m gonna insist on someone smarter. (scoffs) Like Caboose! Or your Guy Fieri bobblehead!
CABOOSE:Awww! Your mama’s so fat!
Pause as everyone waits for Caboose's followup.
SIMMONS:You… got a punchline for that joke, Caboose?
CABOOSE:Ahhh, joke?
SIMMONS:(to Grif) Crap landing, doofus.
GRIF:Thanks for being quick. So, Simmons… any idea where we are?
SIMMONS:According to my mini-map, this Sammie Raphaello's place is close. It’s just through these slightly ominous woods…
Shot shows the woods covered in an eerie fog with ominous owl noises.
GRIF:How about these less ominous woods? Could we get there that way?
Grif turns the other way, which shows a sunshine-lit forest with flowers and pleasant bird noises.
SIMMONS:Hm, it’s a little longer, but yeah.
GRIF:Better safe than sorry!
Grif eagerly takes off toward the less ominous woods.
SIMMONS:(watching Grif) Hmm.
The rest of the Reds and Blues follow Grif. Unbeknownst to them, the small twinkling sparkle of Huggins follows close behind. As they walk through the forest, Huggins follows closely behind Tucker, but quickly hides in a nearby trunk when he looks behind him.
CABOOSE:Ah, bathroom break!
TUCKER:Just go in your suit, Caboose. We have waste disposal systems for a reason.
CABOOSE:I, ehm. (Clears throat.) Yes, I cannot go with other people around, sorry.
SIMMONS:(To Grif.) So, us taking the long way around these woods wouldn’t have anything to do with your new science, now would it?
GRIF:I don’t know what you’re talking about, Simmons.
SIMMONS:Are you winking right now?
GRIF:If I let you in on this, you’ve gotta promise to keep it on the down low. The less people know about this, the better.
SIMMONS:Hand to god.
GRIF:Hee hee. I came up with a new system, and now that it’s in effect, we are never gonna have to do anything ever again!
SIMMONS:Your new science is laziness?!
GRIF:(Conspiratorially.) What’s new is the how. See, when I was alone on Iris, and definitely not losing my mind out of boredom, I found this book that Jax left behind. It was all about story structure.
SIMMONS:Like for movies?
GRIF:Yeah, and TV and whatever. See, the book talks about these things at the beginning of stories. They’re called ‘incendiary incidents.’ They’re these things that make stories happen. I thought, shit, if we can avoid incendiary incidents in real life, then we never have to do anything ever again!
SIMMONS:How does that work in the real world?
GRIF:So earlier, when Jensen said ‘very interesting things’ were happening on Chorus--that could mean some crazy shit with temples, or some real trouble with the UNSC, or who knows what. But it’s definitely incendiary, so I deftly changed the subject before we could find out more.
SIMMONS:I see…
GRIF:And when we were in the Pelican, Locus sent us an encrypted message about something important, but I crashed the ship into the ground before anyone even noticed. It means we’ve gotta walk the rest of the way, but a little work now saves a ton of work later. Pepperoni time!
SIMMONS:Wh-what was Locus’s message?
GRIF:I didn’t read it! So we’ll never know!
SIMMONS:So your new ‘science’ is pre-emptive laziness.
GRIF:Yep!
SIMMONS:That is so stupid, Grif. (Sniffles.) I’m so proud of you!
CABOOSE:I found a lake!!
TUCKER:That’s great, Caboose.
CABOOSE:The lake is glowing!!
GRIF:Guys, no detours! (Aside to Simmons.) See, this is what I’m talking about, Simmons. You just gotta keep these cats wrangled!
SARGE:Glowing lake! I’ve gotta see this!
GRIF:Fuck.
Overhead shot of the Reds and Blues on the grassy bank of a lake that is indeed glowing yellow at its center.
TUCKER:What’s down there? A car?
GRIF:It’s fucking swamp gas, guys, there’s nothing to see here! Let’s move along!
SIMMONS:It’s rising.
A mysterious device rises from the lake. Dramatic music plays. Clinging to the device with one hand and rising after it is… Donut! He comes to a stop standing on the surface of the water.
TUCKER:Aw, Donut!
DONUT:Oh, friends! Let me hold your gaze!
Donut walks across the water to the shore, making small ripples in the surface but not sinking.
SIMMONS:What… the hell… are you doing?
DONUT:I am swelling with joy! I have missed you all… so, so much!
TUCKER:Missed us? You’ve been gone for like two hours.
DONUT:Oh, that’s right. For you, barely any time has passed at all. But for me… infinity… eternity… like… way longer.
SARGE:Donut! How many times have I warned you about going AWOL and mysteriously showing up in foreign bodies of water?
SIMMONS:And how exactly did you get here before us--and how did you know we were coming this way?
DONUT:Ah, ‘tis a story longer than time.
GRIF:Fuck that. Storytime can wait until after we stuff our faces.
DONUT:No! We have no time to lose! We’re all in grave danger! We must escape… into the past!
TUCKER:Uhhh… what?
DONUT:You heard me right! Friends, our day has come! We have been chosen to defend the universe as time travel warriors!
GRIF:Ah! I know what this is. He’s trying to prank us.
DONUT:Am not!
GRIF:Come on guys, he’s obviously fucking with us! It’s just retribution for the time we told him Extreme Home Makeovers was gonna fix up Red Base!
DONUT:This is not related to that substantial betrayal of trust!
SARGE:Oh, quit gaggin’ on us, Donut! You got my hopes up there for a second!
TUCKER:Thank you, Red Team. This was real productive.
Tucker walks away, the rest of the Reds and Blues following.
DONUT:Guys! You need to listen to me!
GRIF:See that shit, Simmons? Diffuse the story bomb like a boss. No call to adventure, no adventure.
SIMMONS:So, just curious. In Jax’s book, what happens after the call to adventure?
GRIF:Uh, I don’t know. I stopped reading after the important bit.
SIMMONS:What if refusing the adventure is part of the adventure?
GRIF:Don’t be dumb, Simmons! Roll credits. We’re done.
Cut to Grif standing in front of what remains of Sammie Raphaello's Pizza--a pile of rubble. As he stares, the partially-blackened sign falls from its post.
TUCKER:So… burgers?
The camera zooms out, revealing other damaged buildings nearly and piles of rubble throughout the parking lot.
SIMMONS:This looks like a battlefield. What the heck happened here?
SARGE:(Clears throat at nearby stranger.) Ahem.. ‘scuse me, Officer!
COP:Uh--I’m a cop.
SARGE:That figures.
COP:That’s why I’m wearing space armor.
SARGE:Uh huh. Got it.
COP:You might think it’s weird that a cop in a small town would be wearing space armor. But… lots of things are weird. Some birds have thumbs did you know that?
Crickets.
SARGE:Ahh… nope.
COP:I have to wear space armor because it’s regulation. ...It’s also cozy.
SARGE:You don’t need to tell me. I get it. So what happened here, Officer?
COP:No one knows, armored… stranger. Tornado… earthquake… ball lightning… some freak thing. They’re calling it a… act of God.
GRIF:(Sighing.) No… there is no God.
COP:Anywho… gotta go. Got cop stuff. You get that, right red guy? Well, red’s not really… police… outfit… Red and Blue… hey, put that together it’s like--like a siren, right? You guys aren’t cops, are you? If you were cops I’d know you were cops. I know every cop in this quadrant. ...All right, bye.
The cop departs hastily.
TUCKER:How about Chinese? We never talked about Chinese. Brief siren sounds.
GRIF:Simmons, if I asked you to shoot me, would you do it?
DONUT:: Guys, I’m telling you the truth! When are you gonna start listening to me? I traveled in time to be here with you!
SIMMONS:Donut, I hate to be a bubble-burster, but all those years ago after we thought we traveled in time? I actually looked into it. Every single scientific theory says the same thing. Time travel is just plain impossible. You must just be confused.
Donut raises the mysterious device.
SIMMONS:You know, like when we were--
Donut fires the device, opening a pink portal in midair showing an intact Sammie Raphaello's.
DONUT:So, who’s hungry?
The Reds and Blues run through the portal, emerging in an ordinary intact parking lot. Huggins follows.
SIMMONS:(Awestruck.) Did we really just--
DONUT:Only a few days. Eh, barely a skip.
GRIF:That smell! I-I can’t believe it. We’re back!
DONUT:Caboose never told you the full story of what happened on that island.
TUCKER:He just said you were… gone.
DONUT:Gone indeed! When Loco’s time machine struck me, I became unstuck in time, like a needle that skipped off a Lisa Loeb record. That skipping sucked me into the past. My body was ruined, destroyed. But my mind stayed alive. I was sucked deep, backwards, further and further into the past--hundreds of years, then thousands, then millions and billions, and beyond! And there I found Him! That’s ‘Him’ with a capital H.
SARGE:Hitler!
DONUT:No! (Laughs.) God!
SIMMONS:You’re saying that God… the God… saved you and put you back together?
DONUT:Yes! Because God needs our help!
TUCKER:That’s an ego boost.
DONUT:It’s God’s will that we become His holy soldiers, to fight back against the Devil King who wants to destroy our universe!
SARGE:What’s God look like? Tell me it's John Wayne...
DONUT:God gave me these-- (Several more time guns materialize at Donut’s feet.) --to give unto you, my brothers. And He told me that to save the future, we must fix the past.
GRIF:(Sighs heavily.) Fuck all of this.
DONUT:With these time travel portal guns, we can go anywhere, any time!
SIMMONS:Sidebar. How do we know for sure this is Donut? He’s not talking like Donut.
DONUT:These Donut Holes are tight! They can only fit two grown men at once!
SIMMONS:Withdrawn.
DONUT:Come, friends. Let us journey together deeper into the past, the only place safe from--
A dark cloud appears in the sky behind Donut, growing rapidly.
DONUT:Oh no.
SISTER:What’s going on?
TUCKER:There! Look!
The sky turns strange colors as the wind picks up. A couple of cars go flying in the air.
SIMMONS:T-tornado?!
SARGE:Red Team, at the ready!
TUCKER:What are you gonna do, shoot the weather with bullets?
Out of the clouds comes a four-armed being in green and gray armor with an iridescent red and purple visor, wielding a different weapon in each hand and laughing sinisterly.
KALIRAMA:For once, the Trickster spoke truth!
She lands on the ground, and her four arms merge into two. She bears a green and black Sangheili energy sword in her left hand.
KALIRAMA:The humans were right on time.
GRIF:Agh, fuck! Look, we don’t want any trouble, scary alien lady!
KALIRAMA:I am Kalirama the Undying. Goddess of Death, War and Annihilation. Daughter of Time. Queen of the Cosmic Powers and Mother to the Fates. Bow before me, so that I may sever your heads from your necks!
As she speaks, the camera zooms in on her visor. The visor becomes a landscape of fire with pillars of black smoke rising up on either side, and a blackened sun rising on the orange horizon. The camera moves rapidly inward toward the sun, over which suddenly appears a wide open red eye.
SARGE:Lady, I think I speak for everyone when I say… marry me!
DONUT:Back away, devil woman!
Kali raises her red plasma rifle and fires a bright bolt of green energy. Grif ducks. The bolt strikes the pizzeria, engulfing it in flames and blowing it to rubble.
GRIF:(Collapsing to his knees and dropping his rifle.) Noooooohohohohohooo!
The rest of the Reds and Blues (except Doc) open fire. Kali approaches, undeterred by the bullets which seem to pass right through her.
KALIRAMA:(Sinister laughter.) The insects want a fight!
She raises her plasma rifle and fires again. Donut leaps into action, dropping to one knee and punching the ground. A pink shield surrounds the Reds and Blues, protecting them.
KALIRAMA:(Angrily.) Yagh! Dirty shisno! (Leaps into the air.)
DONUT:Grab a gun! Get into the portal! Hurry! Remember--saving the future means fixing the past!
Caboose fires one of the portal guns and jumps through the pink portal.
TUCKER:(To Sister) This way, babe.
SISTER:Gross! Don’t call me babe. (Follows Tucker.)
Kalirama lands hard on the pavement, still outside the pink dome shield. Huggins’ spark appears, flitting around a streetlight.
DOC:Grif, look out! (Grabs Grif and shoves him through the portal just before the streetlamp falls right where he was.
HUGGINS:Gah! Crap! They’re getting away! (Whooshes away, making it through the portal just before it closes.)
Kali strikes with her energy sword, destroying the shield. Sarge opens a portal of his own.
SIMMONS:Simmons, this way!
Simmons and Sarge dive into the portal, flying head over heels through what appears to be a blue tunnel. Cut to a desert scene, where a pink portal opens in the sky, dumping Sarge and Simmons onto the ground.
SARGE:(Snaps to his feet.) Simmons, we need to determine our whereabouts, stat.
SIMMONS:Not whereabouts, Sarge--
The camera zooms out to reveal three white pyramids with gold tops--the center one only partially completed, with what appears to be some kind of dense scaffolding around two sides.
SIMMONS:Whenabouts.


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 3: Lost Time

The scene opens on a vast snowy landscape with bright blue sky.
DOC:That was mental! Absolutely mental! What the heck did we do to her? And who was she? Grif? Grif! Say something!
GRIF:Can you please just give it a rest?
DOC:But Grif! What do you think it all means?
GRIF:I’m not thinking about it at all!
DOC:So you’re just gonna ignore the giant, four-armed goddess in the room.
GRIF:All I know is if I don’t figure out how this stupid machine works, we’re gonna freeze out here.
DOC:Let me take a look. I’m pretty good with technology. Better than I am with anatomy. (Nervous laughter.)
GRIF:Back the hell off.
DOC:I’m detecting some hostility from you. You mad… at me?
GRIF:I’m mad at everything! The world! The universe! I’m mad we got roped into some new bullshit, and yeah, I’m mad I got lost in time with this purple Brutus of an asshole, the least useful teammate ever--or should I say former teammate, since you cozied up with our enemies!
DOC:Yeah… It’s okay you hate me. Grif, if I’m being transparent, I kinda hate me right now too.
GRIF:Oh God, Doc, please spare me.
DOC:Yeah. I should’ve figured out the Blues and Reds were bad guys sooner. Because I didn’t, I’m responsible for all the violence, and the heartbreak, the death. For Wash being hurt, for Loco. I let down my friends on all sides, and… (Sighs.) I’m torn to bits about it.
There’s a buzzing noise as Grif activates the time gun and opens a pink portal.
'DOC:Hey, you did it! You figured it out!
GRIF:No! I just found the shuffle button.
The scene cuts to Tucker and Sister in Valhalla, standing behind Red Base examining their time gun.
TUCKER:Seriously? Are you sure?
SISTER:I know that symbol! It’s a shuffle button.
TUCKER:Who the hell builds a time machine with a shuffle button?
SISTER:Apparently God.
TUCKER:I don’t buy that. I’m atheist.
SISTER:That’s dumb. I’m militant agnostic. I don’t know what’s out there, and neither do you!
TUCKER:So, it looks like we’re in Valhalla, and I guess it’s… maybe after we were living here? I don’t see the crashed Pelican, so we don’t have to worry about running into ourselves at least.
SISTER:It must be before. Some developers bought the land, and now Valhalla is all condos.
TUCKER:All right then. So we’re in the past. Now what? Do we try to Sherlock Donut’s last message? Go and fix the past?
SISTER:We could, but… is there really a rush? I mean, we have a time machine, so we can do Donut’s thing whenever. Maybe you and I can have some fun first.
TUCKER:Ohohoho, fun! You want to get down!
SISTER:Definitely! Shit’s been gettin’ a little too real at work lately. I need a few weeks of dumb sex to get my head on straight.
TUCKER:Say no more.
SISTER:Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Tucker?
TUCKER:Depends. How far backwards can you bend?
SISTER:Sean Connery’s first for me, and that Daenerys Targaryen chick, and um, King Tut?
TUCKER:You want to use the time machine for autographs?
SISTER:What? No, dummy. I want to use it to bang dead celebrities while they’re still young and sexy. Or when they’re old and sexy! Or both! Man, I’m gonna have a field day with George Clooney.
TUCKER:Oh.
SISTER:What did you think I meant? That I wanted meaningless sex with you?
TUCKER:Well, yeah.
SISTER:Oh--n-no.
TUCKER:What? I mean, it’s not exactly a stretch of the imagination. There’s precedent! It wouldn’t be the first time.
SISTER:Uh, yeah it would.
TUCKER:What about back at Blood Gulch?
SISTER:Back at Blood Gulch what?
TUCKER:We hooked up!
SISTER:No, we didn’t.
TUCKER:Come on! After that fight with Wyoming and Tex? The cave?
SISTER:Oh, the cave! You count that?
TUCKER:Yeah, I friggin’ count that! We did a sex!
SISTER:I’m pretty sure we almost did a sex. But something happened and it stopped? I don’t know. It wasn’t very memorable.
TUCKER:But--but--but--
SISTER:Oh, did I just hurt your feelings?
TUCKER:No! (Walks away quickly.)
SISTER:Where are you going?
TUCKER:I’m going--for a jog. Get some exercise in.
SISTER:All right! Whatever. (Looks at the time gun.) How’s this fuckin’ thing work?
SARGE:(voiceover) Watch your language, Simmons!
Cut to Sarge and Simmons
SIMMONS:Sorry, sir. I just can’t figure this thing out. I mean, there’s no room for technology in this device. There’s no power source, no control board, no anything! It’s basically like magic.
SARGE:Red Team’s got a magic gun! Hoo-rah!
SIMMONS:We live in a world of science, Sarge. There’s no such thing as magic. Doesn’t this scare you?
SARGE:Scared, shmared, Simmons! We’ve got an objective to tackle. Donut told us to fix our past! And I know where to start! The Battle of Broken Ridge.
SIMMONS:Oh… Are you sure you want to reopen old wounds like that? It can’t be healthy to relive such a traumatic experience.
SARGE:That’s why we’re not going to relive it, Simmons! We’re gonna repair it. Just like Donut’s incredibly clear riddle commanded!
SIMMONS:I think--actually, I insist that before we use this time machine… gun… we need to take it to a laboratory so that they can disassemble it and we can see how it works!
SARGE:Abso-frackin’-lutely not, Simmons! What if they can’t put it back together! Like when you try to cheat with a Rubix cube. There’s just pieces everywhere.
SIMMONS:I told you we should’ve just taken the stickers off. Sir, with everything that’s happened--I mean, Donut dying and coming back, God, aliens, time travel? None of it makes any sense! Now, here, at least we have something in front of us we can get some answers from. We have a thing to study.
SARGE:Study, shmudy, you fuddy-duddy!
SIMMONS:But nothing about this situation makes any sense!
SARGE:Sense, shmense, Simmons!
SIMMONS:That’s incredibly talented, but you can’t rhyme your way out of everything.
SARGE:Smeverything.
SIMMONS:It’s dangerous to use it--
SARGE:Blangerous.
SIMMONS:--without knowing what we’re doing!
SARGE:Fortune favors the bold, Simmons! You think Tommy Edison invented electricity by sitting around thinking about it? Heck no! He flew a kite in a goddamn lightning storm! Well Simmons, you’re holding the kite in them there hands. Do you want to take it apart, or see how that baby flies?
SIMMONS:Interesting. So you’re saying we should study it by using it.
SARGE:What part of ‘Study, shmudy, fuddy-duddy’ was unclear?
Cut to a mysterious new setting.
SIMMONS:Simmons’ Science Log, star date: the past. Chrononaut Dick Simmons has developed a controlled experiment to further the human understanding of time travel. Subject Red has decided to use the time machine to return to the Battle of Broken Ridge in order to, quote, ‘set right the course of history,’ unquote. We have thus traveled into the past. One small step for Simmons, one giant--
SARGE:Simmons! Who are you talking to?
SIMMONS:Euh, no one! I was--napping, while standing up. And I was talking in my sleep.
SARGE:Well, quit your Grifin’ and get over here.
SIMMONS:(Whispers.) Simmons’ log out.
Sarge moves to a ridge overlooking a battlefield on which a squad of Reds are under heavy fire from an unseen enemy. Simmons follows.
SARGE:Heh heh. Look, Simmons. It’s just how I remember it. The enemy was dug in at the top of this here hillside. We’d been pinned down for days. Then, one day, moments ago, sniper took him out. And I finally got my chance. Look on down there, Simmons. You can see it happening!
SOLDIER 1:Lieutenant Sarge! Sergeant Lieutenant is down, sir! You’re our commanding officer now. What do we do?
PAST SARGE:Well friends, there’s only one thing to do! We must charge the enemy. I’ll cover for you here, while you flank up the left side of this hill.
SOLDIERS:Sir, yes sir!
SOLDIER 2:I love you, sir!
PAST SARGE:Let me get a hoo-rah!
SOLDIERS:Hoo-rah!
SARGE:Look at ‘em go, Simmons! They’re--wait just a minute. They’re going the wrong way. I told them the left side of the hill!
SIMMONS:Well, Sarge, I mean really it is just a matter of perspective.
SARGE:Don’t you go starting up with that New Age Chomsky crap now, Simmons! No wonder they were massacred. I can’t let this happen!
Sarge runs down to meet the Red soldiers.
SOLDIER 3:We lost Rick!
SOLDIER 1:It’s okay. We’re halfway. Everybody get set. We’ll go after--
SARGE:What do you idiots think you’re doin’?
SOLDIER 1:Sarge? How did you get here?
SARGE:I’m the Ghost of Christmas Future. Listen up. I order you idiots to double back to the bottom, and charge up the other side!
The Red soldiers obey his order.
PAST SARGE:What in Sam Hill are you men doin’ down here? I told you to charge up the left side of that hill. Sarge charge up the left side of that hill!
Cut to present Sarge.
SARGE:I said no such thing! Now get back down there and follow my orders!
SOLDIER 3:Sarge, sir! Theos is down! He’s not breathin’!
SARGE:You tell that lazy idiot to wake up!
Cut to Lopezvision. We see Caboose through Lopez’s green-tinted visor.
CABOOSE:Wake up! Wake up, Lopez! Can you hear me? Blink once if you can still blink!
LOPEZ:No tengo párpados, Caboose. 
CAPTION:I don’t have eyelids, Caboose.
CABOOSE:That’s right, you fell, Lopez! You banged your head and your head fell off and I had to make a glue out of leaves and spit and glue and put your head back on your body, and do you feel better?
LOPEZ:No me siento todo mejor. 
CAPTION:I don’t feel all better.
CABOOSE:That’s good, you feel all better! I need--I need--I need your help, Lopez. We need to work together to figure out Donut’s riddle. I only remember pieces!
LOPEZ:Salvar el futuro significa arreglar el pasado. 
CAPTION:Saving the future means fixing the past.
CABOOSE:Nah, I’m--I’m pretty sure it was in English. Something about savings... futures. And then a bit about fixed interest savings rates.
LOPEZ:No importa lo que diga. Solo vas a continuar. 
CAPTION:It doesn’t matter what I say. You're just going to keep going.
CABOOSE:Savings for the future… savings for the future… means… (Mutters incomprehensibly.) Savings for the future means... fixed interest rates! You did it, Lopez! We need to start savings accounts! Come on Lopez! (Takes off, then stops short and feels for his pockets.) Wait… wait… where is it? (Whirls around.) Lopez, I have been robbed. My lucky penny! My lucky penny, Lopez, I cannot lose that! I love that penny! I remember when I found it just like it was--like it was yesterday!
Jump cut to yesterday. Caboose is in a corridor with two other Blue soldiers running up behind him. He reaches for something on the ground.
PAST CABOOSE:Oh look! A penny.
Cut back.
CABOOSE:Lopez, we can’t start savings accounts if we don’t have any money! We need to use this teleporter maker to retrace our steps.
LOPEZ:Dios mio, esto va a ser contraproducente. 
CAPTION:My god, this is going to backfire.
CABOOSE:Oh, it won’t backfire Lopez. (Shoots a portal with the time gun.) Let’s go!
LOPEZ:¿Esperar lo? 
CAPTION:Wait, what?
Lopez and Caboose emerge from the portal in a grassy area framed by large rocks. It is soon revealed to be the island back on Earth when the camera pans, revealing the Reds and Blues gathered by their Pelican, just as they were when the season began.
CABOOSE:Hey look! It’s everybody! (Darts out from behind a boulder.) Has anyone seen my penny?
PAST GRIF:Caboose! Focus! What did we tell you to do?
CABOOSE:Start a fixed-interest savings account!
PAST GRIF:No! Find Donut!
CABOOSE:Okay! (Runs back to Lopez.) They haven’t seen it, Lopez! Better keep looking.
LOPEZ:Indefenso, miré el fin del mundo. 
CAPTION:Helpless, I watched the end of the world.


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 4: Sis and Tuc's Sexellent Adventure

The scene opens on Valhalla where last we left Kai and Tucker. Around the back of Red Base, Kaikaina fires the time gun, opening a pink portal. As she does, Tucker comes around the base.
SISTER:Tight!
TUCKER:Nice. You figure it all out?
SISTER:Yeah, it’s easy. It’s just a click wheel. You just wind it backwards until you get the right date.
TUCKER:Weird.
SISTER:So… you want to talk about yesterday?
TUCKER:Sure. I thought about what you said. The celebrity plan. I’m in! I got my list and everything.
SISTER:(In a happy sing-song voice.) Awesome! Let’s go have sex with some dead people! Where do we start?
TUCKER:The ‘90s.
SISTER:The 1890s? Don’t tell me that you also have a thing for Jack the Ripper!
TUCKER:The 1990s! Number one on my list is the Spice Girls!
SISTER:...All of them?
TUCKER:Yeah, all of them! What, you don’t think I can handle a six-way with the Spice Girls?
SISTER:What if you set your sights more realistically? Like... Scary Spice!
TUCKER:Listen, K. I’m a space hero from the future with a magical sword. I’m what every girl wants! What they really really want!
SISTER:(Laughs.) Oh, god.
TUCKER:Don’t belittle me!
SISTER:(Still laughing.) Sorry, it’s just… that swagger! I thought you would’ve grown out of it a little by now.
TUCKER:(Indignantly.) No, I’ve grown into it. I’m basically the new Church, but way less whiny.
SISTER:(Teasingly.) Oh! Should I be throwing myself at your feet?
TUCKER:Eh… you’re not really my type anymore, honestly.
SISTER:(Annoyed.) Get over it, Tucker. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
TUCKER:You didn’t! I don’t have feelings. But seriously, for the record? You and me had a sex!
SISTER:No, we didn’t! I remember, you freaked out!
TUCKER:Because someone was watching us!
SISTER:There was no one in the cave but us.
TUCKER:Someone was peeping on my peeper! But it still counts because we had… (Clears throat.) ...started the act.
SISTER:That’s not how I remember it.
TUCKER:K! The hotdog truck was in the garage! It counts!
SISTER:The clown car broke down turning into the driveway. Doesn’t count.
TUCKER:The stretch limo was inside the multi-level parking structure. Counts.
SISTER:The monocycle got a flat tire and the driver had no spares.
TUCKER:No, that ain’t the thing!
SISTER:You can count it if you want, I don’t give a heck. I mean, shit, that might push me to triple digits.
TUCKER:We could find out. If anyone was watching us. If the hotdog truck was in the garage, or the driveway! We could go back in time and see!
SISTER:Uh, fuck yeah! Time travel to watch myself bang? I’ve always wanted to originate a fetish!
TUCKER:Just be careful in the past. We don’t want to start any paradoxes or whatever.
SISTER:Thanks for the… tip.
Scene opens on desolation at Broken Ridge.
SIMMONS:Simmons’ science log, supplemental. Subject Red’s participation in his first career failure seems to have left him reflective and solemn. It appears as if time travel has been a valuable learning tool for Sarge, and I am going to attempt to comfort him and inquire about his state of mind. (To Sarge.) You all right?
SARGE:You know, Simmons, they say hindsight is 20/20. With age comes perspective. An awareness of where you went right, and where you went left. I realize now that there ain’t no one to blame for my failures... except for the dumb idiots under my command!
SIMMONS:What?
SARGE:Morons, Simmons! I’ve been saddled with total morons my whole life, and it’s cost me everything!
SIMMONS:A, ouch. B, Sarge, your orders! You made them go up and down!
SARGE:Well I can only do so much with what I’ve been given! Come on! Like trying to cook an omelette with rotten eggs! Fortunately, the book of destiny ain’t closed just yet. (Cocks the time gun.) We’re gonna do this again! We’re going to get it right! Before we do, Red Team is going to acquire some reinforcements! We’re going to assemble the greatest fighting force the world has ever seen, made from the most awesome soldiers in human history! It’ll be just like The Expendables… without the unnecessary Harrison Ford cameo! When assembled, we’re going to right our lefts. We’re going to right our wrongs! And we’re going to paint this universe red! Hurrah! Come on, Simmons. Hurrah!
SIMMONS:Hurrah?
SARGE:Louder.
SIMMONS:Hurrah.
SARGE:Hurrah-rah-rah! Come on, man.
Scene opens on Blood Gulch, a pink portal appearing mid-canyon and Tucker emerging, followed by Kaikaina.
TUCKER:Home sweet home. That must be us fighting Wyoming!
SISTER:Hey--psst. Let’s try to stay out of sight, man!
TUCKER:My thoughts exactly. (Spots a sniper rifle on the ground by a rock.) Oh shit. That’ll help!
Tucker and Kaikaina take up a vantage point. Tucker looks through the sniper rifle scope.
TUCKER:Let’s see if we can figure out what’s going on around here.
Two soldiers appear in Tucker’s scope, one blue and one teal. The Blue one is holding a needler rifle.
TUCKER:I see me! There I am, talking to Caboose. No, wait--wait, that’s Captain Flowers. I think I recognize this.
SISTER:I’m no firearms expert, Tucker, but I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t have your finger on the trigger like that.
TUCKER:Calm down, K. The safety’s on. See?
Tucker fires, shooting Captain Flowers in the head.
TUCKER:Oh! (Whispers.) Dang.
SISTER:I bet this never happens to you, right?
TUCKER:(Drops the sniper rifle, switching back to his standard battle rifle.) I think I’ll stick with melee weapons for a while.
Scene cuts to Doc and Grif coming through a portal into a familiar parking lot.
DOC:Ohoho, this looks familiar. What does this have to do with fixing the past?
GRIF:Nothing. We’re ignoring Donut. We’re gonna go get some pizza, and wait for this whole thing to blow over.
DOC:But I thought it was destroyed.
GRIF:Aha! I set the machine to years ago, back when I was in college here, and right before I dropped out and enlisted. This was the year I ate Sammie Raphaello’s for a hundred days straight, so this time we know it’s here, for sure.
DOC:Hey, backstory! We’re bonding now! How do you feel about pineapple on ya ‘za, brah?
GRIF:(Looking up.) Mother. Fucker.
DOC:Copy that. I know that’s a sensitive issue for some people.
GRIF:(Distressed.) Look!
CAMERA CUTS TO THE SIGN, WHICH NOW READS:Sammie Raphaello's Calzones & Stromboli.
DOC:‘Sammie Raphaellos Calzones & Stromboli’? I thought you said this was a pizza place.
GRIF:It fucking is! (Turns.) Hey, you.
Nearby are three kids, dressed in cobalt blue Mark IV armor.
KID 1:(In a slightly muffled voice.) What do you want, old man?
GRIF:What year is it?
Camera zooms out. On the ground near the kids are three plastic pumpkin buckets, filled with candy.
KID 2:What year is it? What kind of question is that?
DOC:Why are you all wearing armor?
KID 2:Uh, it’s Halloween, dude! We’re trick-or-treating.
KID 3:My mom made us these awesome costumes! We’re space Marines!
DOC:Oh, neat!
GRIF:Yeah, neat. What fucking year is it, you little shitstain? There’s supposed to be a pizza place right here.
KID 1:A what?
GRIF:A pizza restaurant!
KID 2:What’s pizza?
GRIF:What’s pizza?!
KID 3:Are you saying pitas? Like, Greek food?
GRIF:NO! Pizza! Dough! Marinara sauce! Mozzarella! Pepperoni!
KID 2:Ohhh, calzone!
GRIF:No! Well--yeah, like that, but flat!
KID 1:Unfolded calzone? Gross.
KID 2:Why would you want to unfold a calzone?
GRIF:Oh my god, because we’re civilized!
The kids look at each other.
KID 3:We should probably go back to trick-or-treating. These guys are weird.
They run off, grabbing their buckets as they go.
DOC:Well, that seems odd. What kind of kid's never heard of pizza? That’s the best pie there is, after rhubarb.
GRIF:It’s not just them, it’s… Sammie’s too. The sign. (Voice breaking.) Doc… we’re in a world where pizza doesn’t exist!
DOC:Whoa… that’s trippy. What are we gonna do?
GRIF:There’s only one thing to do.
Grif pulls out a grenade, pulls the pin and drops it at his own feet.
DOC:Whoa--Jesus! (Runs, kicks the grenade away and tackles Grif to the ground away from the explosion. After the blast is safely over, he gets to his feet again.) Get a hold of yourself, man! You can’t give up that easy!
GRIF:Watch me.
DOC:Look. If this is a big deal to you, then we just need to fix it! Go back in time and invent pizza! Hey, for all we know, this is how pizza was invented in the first place. Or… with this time machine, we have the opportunity to save a really incredible amount of lives. We could prevent wars. Cure diseases. Avoid famines. Vaccinate kittens against feline AIDS! You and me, Grif. We can save the entire universe!
GRIF:(Opens a portal with the time gun. Sighs.) Let’s go make pizza.
DOC:(Resignedly.) Yeah… pizza quest it is.
Cut back to Tucker and Kaikaina, now standing on the cliff looking out on Blood Gulch. Kaikaina now has the sniper rifle.
SISTER:Jesus, you people spend a lot of time standing around and talking.
TUCKER:No kidding. Hey, your radio’s off, right?
SISTER:Yeah, they can’t hear us.
TUCKER:So, why’d you decide to come along this time?
SISTER:Am I cramping your style?
TUCKER:No! I’m just making chitchat.
SISTER:Well, honestly, things were getting a little messy at the music festival. I jumped at the chance to get the hell out of dodge.
TUCKER:Business down?
SISTER:No way! We’re growing like gangbusters. It’s the other side of things that sucked. Personal stuff. ...I started messing around with someone at work, and HR found out.
TUCKER:So?
SISTER:The person I was seeing is married to the head of HR! What a freakin’ mess, man. I kept thinking, 'Why can’t we just go back to when things were just silly and fun all the time?'
TUCKER:I know what you mean. When we were stationed here it was like… nothing mattered. We could fuck up and make mistakes and it was always fine. Now I fuck up and Wash gets shot. I screw up, and suddenly I owe child support payments that make up a fraction of Chorus’s GDP. Before she died, my mama always said, ‘You can’t unwind the clock.’ Wait ‘til she sees my time machine!
A Pelican dropship flies overhead, disappearing in a sudden burst.
SISTER:There it goes.
TUCKER:So after that, everyone goes their separate ways, and I convince you to check out the caves with me. Then I work my magic!
SISTER:Pretty sure it was the other way around, dude.
Cut to Past Tucker leading Past Kaikaina into the caves.
PAST TUCKER:This way! It’s in here.
PAST SISTER:(Flirtatiously.) Oh yeah, Tucker? My surprise is in the cave?
PAST TUCKER:(Flirting right back.) Uh huh. Come on.
PAST SISTER:Is it a big surprise? Am I gonna be able to handle it?
PAST TUCKER:It’s huge, babe. You’re gonna love it.
SISTER:There we go.
TUCKER:Let’s go around. The back way is over here.
Present Tucker and Kaikaina sneak around the back and into the caves.
PAST SISTER:That’s… it?
PAST TUCKER:What? You don’t like it?
PAST SISTER:I was just expecting… bigger.
PAST TUCKER:It’s a good size! It’s big enough for you! What were you expecting?
PAST SISTER:I don’t know. Longer… wider… deeper…
Cut to Past Tucker and Past Sister standing at the edge of a small pond.
PAST TUCKER:It’s a cave pond. It’s as long and wide and deep as the cave!
PAST SISTER:So… that was your big surprise, huh?
PAST TUCKER:Yep.
PAST SISTER:You got… anything else for me? Anything else you wanna show me, Tucker?
PAST TUCKER:Uh, um, maybe! I think I--y-you know--I maybe--might--something else for--show you!
SISTER:Well, well, well. Look who’s getting cold feet.
TUCKER:Shh. They’ll hear us!
PAST SISTER:It’s a little hot in here, don’t you think? Or maybe it’s just me. Feeling the heat.
PAST TUCKER:I hope you’re not sick! Oh--oh, you mean the other kind of heat! Sexy animal heat! Awesome.
PAST SISTER:Maybe I should cool off before I burn up. You wanna get in the water with me?
PAST TUCKER:I don’t know. That water looks nasty. You want a backrub?
SISTER:So slick.
TUCKER:Whatever. It worked.
PAST SISTER:Sure. Let’s go swimming first. Let me just squeeze out of this suit here.
SISTER:Damn. I wish I had her hips.
TUCKER:You... do.
SISTER:Ohhh, right.
PAST SISTER:The water’s nice, Tucker. Why don’t you get in?
PAST TUCKER:Oh yeah girl, I’m comin’.
PAST SISTER:Don’t come too quick.
PAST TUCKER:Now I’m confused. You want me in or out?
PAST SISTER:(Impatient splash.) Jesus, Tucker, get in already!
SISTER:Nice.
TUCKER:Damn.
SISTER:...Fuck it. You wanna mess around?
TUCKER:(Eagerly.) Sure!
Tucker’s too-loud reply echoes off the stone walls of the cave.
PAST TUCKER:What was that?
PAST SISTER:What was what?
PAST TUCKER:Did you hear that? Someone’s here!
PAST SISTER:I didn’t hear anything! Where are you going?
PAST TUCKER:I heard someone! I need to investigate! Who’s peeping my peeper? (He and Past Sister go running past.) Better not be you, Caboose!
Cut back to Valhalla. Kai emerges from the portal.
SISTER:Really great job there, Tucker. You managed to double cockblock me with a single word.
TUCKER:Hey, you’re the one who lost control. I mean, I don’t blame you. The double Tucker heat was thick in there!
SISTER:Blech. God, what was I thinking!
TUCKER:You wanted a slice!
SISTER:I had a momentary lapse in judgement. Do not let it go to your head.
TUCKER:Hah! It’s way too late for that. So… about that offer.
SISTER:It’s rescinded. I would rather go fuck myself. (Thoughtfully.) And with the time machine, I actually can do that now. Hell yeah, new fetish! (Runs offscreen.)
TUCKER:Balls.


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 5: Headshots

The scene opens on an unfamiliar Red Base on rocky, brown terrain, framed by two pine trees in the foreground and backed by snow-covered mountains and blue sky.
SIMMONS:Simmons’ Science Log, entry 96. Myself and Subject Red have returned to the near-present from our extended recruitment campaign in Earth’s past. Despite the setbacks I’ve noted in previous logs, Subject Red appears satisfied with his efforts.
SARGE:I am satisfied with my efforts! Red Team is now the greatest fighting force the universe has ever seen! Private John, Private George, Private Alex! (The camera jumps to each of three Red soldiers, all in the same shade of red armor with different helmets.) You men represent the cream of the crop! The very best of the very best!
Private Alex begins to cough violently, and collapses to the ground.
SARGE:Simmons! Help Private Alex to his feet!
JOHN:Well, pardon me, space pilgrim. If you’re gonna be millin’ about makin’ chitchat, I’d love to pop this here bucket off my head. Uh huh.
SARGE:Negatory! I didn’t equip you with the latest and greatest space Marine armor for nothin’!
GEORGE:To be prepared for war is one of the best methods for preserving peace. But if war must be fought, let us bring destruction unto these Redcoats!
SARGE:No, George! We are the Redcoats! We’re fightin’ the Bluecoats! Which brings me to my point! It’s time for our first mission!
SIMMONS:Back to the Battle of Broken Ridge?
SARGE:Not yet, Simmons. I have other plans in mind. Men, listen up. Recently, in our future, Red Team fought a great battle against a nearly-identical Red Team. In the course of this confusing crusade, one member of Red Team was seduced and tricked into joining the enemy. One of us Reds betrayed his longtime friends and allies--
SIMMONS:One of us? You mean--
SARGE:One of us was obviously so traumatized by his mistake, he began thinking in the third person! We are going to save our comrade by pre-emptively striking our enemy. That’s right, men. We are gonna travel in time and kill Temple!
JOHN:Well now you just hold on there for one second, boy howdy. I sure played my fair share of the law. I ain’t never done none law-keepin’ my own self.
SARGE:I’m not gonna teach the men who taught me how to be a man how to be a man, Private John! You’re just gonna have to roll with it.
JOHN:Roll with it. All right, then.
SARGE:No more talk, Simmons! Open up… the Donut Hole.
SIMMONS:Okay, about that, Sarge. Donut did tell us that his hole could only fit two grown men at once. Aren’t you worried about capacity?
SARGE:Only our capacity for victory! Can I get a hoo-rah!
JOHN AND GEORGE:Hoo-rah.
ALEX:(Sickly coughing)
SARGE:Private Alex! What have I told you about stepping on my dramatic moments?
The Reds emerge from the Donut Hole atop a base in Desert Gulch, with Sarge in the lead. The Reds and Blues’ theme from season 15 plays.
SARGE:Here we are, men. Desert Gulch.
The camera gives us a wide shot of the canyon, revealing the Reds and Blues face to face with the Reds and Blues in the center.
SARGE:We’re deep in enemy territory now.
SIMMONS:Look, there they are. There we are!
SARGE:Men! Observe our enemy! (Camera lands on the Reds and Blues.) On the right! (Camera pans to the right to show the Blues and Reds.) In the middle! That’s their leader, Temple.
JOHN:Takin’ out the chief. Smart move! Make ‘em fall back and choose a new one.
SIMMONS:Sarge, something about this isn’t right. We’ve gone too far into the future, or not far enough into the past. We’re supposed to get here before we got here--before the other us-es showed up and met the evil us-es? We should definitely fall back and try again.
GEORGE:There is no shame in retreating from a superior force.
SARGE:There’s no superior force! It’s just us! And the evil us-es! Stick to the plan. Take out Temple.
GEORGE:If we are to push forth, I propose a stratagem. We carry ourselves silently along the base of these palisades. We will have the element of surprise until we are nearly upon them.
SARGE:Yes. Yes! That’s what I’m talkin’ about. Do what he said and I was already thinking!
GEORGE:One issue. The group on the left will be within the arc of our musket shot.
SARGE:It’s worth the risk.
SIMMONS:Oh, hell no! That’s us, Sarge! He’s saying we might shoot us!
SARGE:We know what we signed up for, Simmons!
SIMMONS:I did not sign up to have my past self killed by time-traveling historical figures. If we kill ourselves in the past, we die now! Don’t we?
JOHN:We could get a lot closer if we had some manner of distraction to cover our final approach. A calvary charge would do the trick nicely.
SIMMONS:No horses, but… I see a Mongoose down there.
JOHN:Who in the Sam Hill can ride a mongoose?
SARGE:Private Alex! Please tell me you know how to drive.
ALEX:(Coughing and speaking Macedonian.)
SARGE:What’s he sayin’, Simmons? That a yay or a nay?
SIMMONS:It’s ancient Macedonian, Sarge. They didn’t offer that in my high school.
Alex continues coughing violently, and collapses on the upper floor of the base.
SARGE:Simmons, grab Private Alex. And some duct tape. We’re making ourselves a distraction.
Camera cuts to the Blues and Reds mid-canyon.
TEMPLE:Ha ha ha, no! We’re not just dressing like you. We’re like you! (Vehicle noises.) Uh… what’s that?
Alex zooms through the middle of the group on the Mongoose, coughing.
JAX:Uh, excuse me, what the hell was that?
SARGE:(From behind Temple.) Hey, Temple. Sayonara, dirtbag! (Shoots Temple in the head.) We did it! Woo-hoo!
SURGE:Oh god! He killed him! Run!
BUCKEY:Run for your life!
SARGE:(Does a victory dance.) But-dut-dut-dut-dut-doo-doo. But-dut-dut-dut-dut-doo-doo. Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doo-doo! Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doo-doo!
JAX:God damn it! Cut! (Bell sounds.)
CREW:That’s a wrap. Where’s my Best Boy? (Unintelligible chatter.) Hair and makeup, hair and makeup.
JAX:What the hell was that? Who the hell are you? And what the fuck did you do to my actor?!
SARGE:Actor? ...Simmons?
SIMMONS:I have no idea, Sarge.
JAX:Sarge? Sarge-Sarge? Oh, no way dude! How the hell are you, man?
PRODUCER:Oh god! Man down! Somebody call the paramedics!
SARGE:Jax! Who are all these people?
JAX:It’s the crew, dude! You guys shoulda told me you were stopping by. I’m happy to see you, but we’re kinda in the middle of running some takes.
PRODUCER:I don’t think he’s gonna make it! What are we gonna do?
JAX:What are you lookin’ at me for, Kohan? You’re the producer, fucking fix it!
SIMMONS:Producer? Of…
JAX:The movie! We’re shooting the big Hollywood adaptation of our adventure last year. Duh!
SIMMONS:Last year? Sarge, I don’t think we’re in the past anymore.
SARGE:Simmons, we’ve got bigger things to deal with right now. (To Jax) You’re making a movie without me?!
JAX:Heh-heh-hey, I looked everywhere for you guys. Facebook, Twitter. Me and Dylan told you to keep a low profile, but y’all downright vanished.
KOHAN:I can’t find his pulse!
JAX:Jesus fuck! I’m trying to catch up with my friends over here! If you are incapable of dealing with this, get the fucking AD to do it!
KOHAN:But you fired the AD.
JAX:And it looks like I was just getting warmed up. Heh-hey, why don’t I give you guys a quick little tour while the help gets its shit together.
Cut to Jax showing Simmons and Sarge around a movie set.
JAX:So, here’s our staging area, makeup, wardrobe, et cetera. We’re shooting most of the movie on a sound stage in Vancouver. Tax incentives. But I insisted we shoot some scenes in the places these events actually happened.
SIMMONS:Why is everyone in armor?
JAX:Well, the actors don’t take off their suits because they’re method acting. Also because I make them. The crew does it for solidarity. Forced solidarity. Pretty crazy all these people work for me, huh? I mean, technically they work for me, even though most of them just stand around bullshitting all day long! (Directed at two gray-armored crew members standing around talking. They quickly run off.) Over here’s the crafty table. We got little carrots. Munch munch! Anyway, who are your new friends?
SARGE:Some new recruits for our secret mission.
JAX:Oooh, exciting! Anything four-quadrant with spinoff potential? I’m trying to develop ideas for what the Red vs. Blue extended universe might--.
KOHAN:Jax, quick word?
JAX:A quick fucking word! Hang tight, guys.
Jax steps away with Cohan.
SIMMONS:I think I figured out what’s going on, Sarge.
SARGE:One of us murdered a thespian, Simmons! I’m sure whoever it was feels terrible about myself.
SIMMONS:Based on what Jax said, about as much time has passed here as we spent recruiting the rest of our team. We’re back in the present. Back in the now.
SARGE:Why are we in the now, Simmons? We were supposed to be in the then.
SIMMONS:I don’t think the Donut Holes could hold so many grown men. I think the thing kicked us to the present.
JAX:Heh-hey, great news!
SIMMONS':The actor survived?
JAX:Nah, he’s dead as shit. But honestly, you guys did me a solid. Access Hollywood just released a tape of him saying some really horrible stuff! We’ll get free press from the ‘accident,’ and I get to recast the role. Win-win.
SARGE:Recast? Got anyone in mind? Like someone who takes… excellent headshots?
JAX:Oh, I don’t know. All the good actors are dead. What I--.
CREW:Wardrobe question, Mr. Jones.
JAX:Fuck! On my way! This is my life. I can never finish a fucking sentence. (Walks away.)
SARGE:Simmons! Did you hear all that? Starring role! I’m a shoo-in.
SIMMONS:What about correcting the past?
SARGE:Past can wait. It’s not like it’s going anywhere! Here’s the new plan. I’ll grab a copy of the script, and casually practice some lines outside Jax’s trailer with Private John. Jax will overhear, and hark! be amazed at my performance!
SIMMONS:It’s foolish.
SARGE:That’s right, Simmons! It’s foolproofish!
Cut to Sarge lurking near Jax’s trailer.
SARGE:All right, here he comes! You ready to read?
JOHN:This ain’t my first rodeo, cowboy. I got the general idea.
SARGE:Just stick to the script, Olivier. Here we go. (Gets into position.) Us! Villains! Hah! Take a look in the mirror, you dirty so-and-sos, we all--I mean you all were drafted by the UNSC same as us, or… whatever, something, something. Line?
JOHN:Listen to me. Now you obviously adore hearing the ring of your own voice. So why don’t you use it to tell me where my companions are at?
JAX:(Walking up.) Hmm! What is this?
SARGE:Heh! Well. Heh. Your Freelancer buddies are… killers!
JOHN:That’s too bad. I rode a long trail to get here, and I ain’t the type to turn back empty-handed. Are you gonna speak what I need to hear? Or am I gonna have to smack that stupid grin off your face with this here Winchester?
SARGE:Line?
JOHN:No more talk! (?) your hand!
JAX:Oh, bravo!
SARGE:Thank you! I was really just gettin’ warmed up there.
JAX:(To John.) Tell me, have you ever acted professionally?
JOHN:Heh heh. Son, I’ve been in over two hundred and fifty features.
JAX:Why don’t we make it two hundred and fifty-one?
SARGE:Him? Ya can’t!
JOHN:Sorry, space pilgrim. Sometimes, you just gotta roll with it. (Walks off after Jax.)
JAX:Okay, everybody set. Camera rolling, and action!
SIMMONS:Simmons’ Science Log, final entry. Private John has been cast as Temple in the Red vs. Blue movie. This turn of events has caused Head of Research Dick Simmons to undergo a substantial existential crisis. After all, logic has clearly fled reality, meaning is obviously imaginary, science is conclusively bullshit. This is… this is so stupid.
SARGE:Simmons… have you ever heard the phrase, ‘my own worst enemy?’
SIMMONS:I think I know where you’re going with this, Sarge.
SARGE:I am my own worst enemy...’s worst nightmare! Private John, that dirty son of a gun, has stolen everything from me! And come hell or high water, I’m gonna steal it back.
SIMMONS:What about the mission? Ugh, you know what, who cares. I’m done with science, anyway.
SARGE:Science, schmience.
SIMMONS:Science, shmience indeed, sir. You know, I’m thinking of giving religion a try.
Camera puns to the heavens, and cuts to a dark starry sky, then to what appears to be a celestial palace above the clouds against an orange and blue sunset.
MUGGINS:O assembled hosts, masters, our King has commanded you all here to assemble the great Quorum of the Cosmic Powers.
BURNSTORM:If we are to discuss nominations, in the Gamma Sector, a race of bipedal dischlorians have harnessed the power of fire. They are most promising.
MUGGINS:This is in regards to another matter.
APOVOS:Ah! So the rumors are true?
MUGGINS:Yes. The Great Prophecy is unfolding.
KALI:He speaks truth. I was there when the fated Pizza Quest began.
GENKINS:Pepperoni! Eh-heh, sorry. Zoned out there for a sec. What were we talking about?
BURNSTORM:The end of the universe.
GOLFER:‘Bout time if you ask me! Ha ha! Up top!
ATLUS:Silence! It has been many eons since the cosmic powers interfered with the affairs of humans. And now nine of this upstart apes have forged an unholy alliance.
BURNSTORM:We should’ve been warned! What have the Fates spoken of this?
ATLUS:The Fates... have not spoken for some time now. They are atop their tower in sleep as deep as death.
KALI:How were mortals able to silence Destiny and her sisters?
ATLUS:They may have had help from within.
GENKINS:Sorry! That was me… hoo hoo! I’m the traitor! Whoopsie!
ATLUS:It is not the time for your tricks and games, idiot son.
GENKINS:Well, at least I tried!
ATLUS:The Shisno have escaped into the past. Their every action wears thin the chains that bind… him. But these mortals cannot hide forever. When they come up for air, Muggins will find them, and I will destroy them.
KALI:It cannot be done. They have his protection.
ATLUS:I am King Atlus Arcadium Rex, first among the Cosmic Powers, God to the gods, slayer of titans! If I wish these Reds and Blues dead, they are dead already!


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 6: A Pizza the Action

Scene opens on a lush valley filled with some kind of crops, crossed by stone aqueducts.
GRIF:Suck. My. Balls.
DOC:No, thank you.
GRIF:I refuse to let anyone else invent pizza but the ancient Italians, Doc. These assholes may be dumb as dirt, but their blood is rich in tomato sauce.
DOC:I actually think tomatoes are native to the Americas… which haven’t been discovered yet. Which could explain, you know. Us sucking at this?
GRIF:Bullshit. (To Roman peasants, who appear at the periphery of the frame.) You understand, right? Dough on the bottom, then the to-ma-to. Then the mozzarella. Then you bake it. But just the right amount! Too much and you get a cracker crust, which is a mortal fucking sin, you neanderthal! Got it?
The peasants stare for a moment, then turn and walk away.
GRIF:Hey! Get back here!
DOC:(Sighs.) I still don’t get why you don’t just invent pizza yourself. You’d make billions!
GRIF:Uh, the whole point of pizza is that someone else makes it?
DOC:I’ve made pizza.
GRIF:Of course you have. Vegan. And by the way, being vegan while being made entirely of meat? Kind of hypocritical.
DOC:Grif, I know this was technically my idea, but I’m starting to question if this is really the best use of a time machine!
GRIF:Doc, pizza is the food. It’s like, perfect in its simplicity. Three ingredients! A holy trinity that come together to form a greasy triangle of perfection. And from this thin slice of heaven, man has created an edible plate that anything can go on. A new testament. Infinite possibility!
DOC:Uh huh.
GRIF:A dessert pizza with a gingerbread base. A Russian nesting pie! Or pizza bites inside of a pizza pocket inside of a calzone on top of a pizza!
DOC:Grif.
GRIF:A pizza with the topping underneath! I’m just spitballing!
DOC:You want to talk about infinite possibilities? Grif, a time machine can save lives. We could cure the plague. Stop the great alien war from ever happening?
GRIF:You help yourself to all these fucks I give, Doc, because I’m delivering history a pizza.
DOC:Ahhhhhh, fine. But if we’re gonna teach these people a new dish, we need to cook it for them.
Camera pans to the sky, then descends on a grassy field as Sister and Tucker emerge from a Donut Hole.
SISTER:Fucking endless dickshell!
TUCKER:Oh, come on! It was bound to happen!
SISTER:You crushed Catherine the Great with a horse.
TUCKER:How am I supposed to know that sex robe was lode-bearing?
SISTER:You crushed Christopher Reeve with a horse.
TUCKER:I learned a valuable lesson. Time travel spooks horses. And that dude’s not really Superman. Life’s an education, babe.
SISTER:I’m a simple girl with a simple itch. Time travel sex tour. And you’re screwing it up!
TUCKER:Sounds like someone has the sands of time in her vagina.
SISTER:Ugh!
Kaikaina steps away from Tucker, surveys their surroundings. The remains of the bases on the moon from Season 15 come into view.
SISTER:What even is this place?
TUCKER:It’s our old home. Iris. Present-day. I figured the others might be waiting here, and we could form up!
SISTER:So, you’re sick of me already?
TUCKER:Well--no! I just--I thought you were sick of me.
SISTER:Oh, Tucker, sweetheart. Is that really what you think?
TUCKER:Well, yeah.
SISTER:Good job! That’s the most perceptive you’ve been all day. Now dig me up some booze so I can forget how you fucked up my date with Paul Walker!
TUCKER:What can I say? I’ve gotten used to six pedals. Two is harder now.
Tucker walks off. Cut back to Doc and Grif in ancient Italy.
DOC:Okay! So we took a trip to the present, picked up a couple things! You’re gonna love it! I make this all the time!
GRIF:Uh huh.
Doc and Grif peer inside the stone oven. Inside is a delicious-looking pizza topped with red, green, and yellow peppers and black olives.
GRIF:Whoa.
DOC:Yeah! Pizza a la Doc. Gluten-free coconut flour dough. Seaweed-based tomato puree substitute. And--drumroll please--a lactose-free low-fat goat cheese.
Grif is now firing at Doc, who hides behind the oven crying.
GRIF:How did you ruin pizza?! (Lowers pistol.) Ah, fuck this. I’m taking a nap. We’ll try again when I wake up. If I wake up. Pizza deficiency.
DOC:It’s 2 in the afternoon.
GRIF:We’re not voting on this, Doc. I let you tag along with me--which is more than you deserve, if I’m being honest.
DOC:I’m s-sorry, Grif. For what it’s worth, I think it’s great to see you’re so motivated--
GRIF:(Lying down on the ground.) Save it. Something I love was taken from me, and I have to fix it. You wouldn’t understand.
DOC:Grif… (Sighs.) I had a little brother. His name was Deke. He died. Drowned, specifically. We were alone, by a river. I looked away for just a second, and… I pulled him out of the water, but I-I didn’t know CPR. All I could do was feel his pulse fade, and… stop. My whole medic career’s just trying to fix that one moment. So… yeah. I know what it’s like to--
Grif snores loudly.
DOC:Oh gosh darn it. How’d this happen? (Mocking voice.) Oh, let’s make a pizza. Oop, a million people died in a preventable disaster. Whatever, I’m Grif, more pepperoni! Agh! It’s all my fault! If I hadn’t betrayed them, I’d be off saving lives right now! (Sighs.) Sorry, Deke.
Cut to the moon, and a cluster of empty cans on the ground. Kaikaina and Tucker are sitting on crates on the grass.
SISTER:This stuff is potent.
TUCKER:While we were gone, the base finally got a new shipment of power armor. And Lopez’s suit! Needs antifreeze.
SISTER:(Hiccups.) I finally see the good inside him.
TUCKER:I’m psyched for the new suit. I’ve been wearing this one for years! It’s starting to feel a bit clammy--
SISTER:Shh-shh-shh-shut the fuck up. I haven’t forgotten you ruined history sex.
TUCKER:Oh.
SISTER:I could’ve rode Abraham Lincoln’s beard, dude! I could’ve been a Roman orgy’s molten core. Had Lancelot slay me like a dragon! You understand?
TUCKER:I get it.
SISTER:I wanna roll sex dice on a Jumanji board. I wanna get my dick sucked! I wanna be murdered!
TUCKER:You’re all about the weird sex, I know! Loud and clear.
SISTER:And never ever with you, because you’re stupid, and your face is stupid, and I hate you.
TUCKER:I hate you--so much! Every time you speak, it’s like a little annoying jackhammer busting into my helmet.
SISTER:I hate you more than people who hold up their phones at shows.
TUCKER:I hate you so much that if I was in a room with you and Hitler, and I only had one bullet, I would shoot Hitler but actually feel bad about it!
SISTER:I hate that you don’t remember that we did that last week.
TUCKER:Oh, fuck, I hate that I forgot I killed Hitler! And I mean--I hate you for always correcting me!
SISTER:I hate you sooo much that I want to rip that suit off your stupid body and hatesex you to death.
TUCKER:I hate--wait. Was that a death threat or a proposition?
SISTER:Yes.
TUCKER:I hate that I love this. I’m in.
SISTER:This is gonna be fucking epic! We’ll need a safeword. How about--
She’s interrupted by the sound of air horns in the distance.
SISTER:What’s that noise?
TUCKER:Oh, real funny. Now you’re doin’ a me.
SISTER:No, I’m serious, listen.
Air horns continue. A mysterious swirl of neon light appears in the sky, expanding into a bright white circle.
SISTER:I think the antifreeze is kickin’ in.
TUCKER:Oh yeah. Let’s do this.
SISTER:Yeah, antifreeze sex.
TUCKER:Whooo, yeah!
SISTER:Fuck my shit up!
Dramatic music, punctuated by air horns, continues. An oval-shaped hole opens in the sky, revealing the black of space behind it, with brightly-colored nebulas in red, green, and blue.
MUGGINS':Behold, mortals! From the great center of the galaxy, your Lord God and Divine Creator has come to speak! He is first among the Cosmic Powers, the Binder of Titans! (His voice begins to echo.) The totality of the universe!
TUCKER:Ohoho, I may need the chill-out tent. I see a talking lens flare!
SISTER:Hey, JJ Abrams! Shouldn’t you be in a reboot?
MUGGINS:King Atlus Arcadium Rex has come before you! (Strikes a pose with his hands on his hips, in front of what appear to be red, green, and blue laser lights.) The Reaper of Souls! Crusher of worlds!
SISTER:Hey, my uncle’s prog rock band called! They want their album cover back.
ATLUS:Silence! I, King of the Cosmic Powers, have honored you pathetic mortals with this audience out of pity. I possess the power to shake planets, to snuff out civilizations like candles. I am almighty! But I am not without mercy. Give up your blasphemous time travel. I will spare you from destruction.
TUCKER:I’m pretty destroyed already, dude.
SISTER:Boosh!
ATLUS:Mortal currs! I will not ask again. Bow before me and forfeit your time machine, or I will blast you to elementary particles!
TUCKER:Just do it!
SISTER:Smite us!
ATLUS:You dare taunt Atlus?
SISTER:We totally dare.
TUCKER:Oh shit--hey, I just realized something. Is it weird that we’re having the same hallucination at the same time?
SISTER:Oh. Oh, fuck.
A bolt from the heavens strikes the ground, appearing to swallow up Kaikaina and Tucker in a fiery mushroom cloud.
Cut back to Doc and Grif in the ancient Italian countryside. Doc stands on a grassy field, looking at the sunset.
GRIF:Okay, buddy. Let’s go.
DOC:Great. Pizza time.
GRIF:Doc… pizza’s important.
DOC:Here we go.
GRIF:Pizza itself is a Venn diagram of how much pizza I want to eat and how much pizza exists. But you… want to save lives. So pizza can wait. (Sighs.) A bit.
DOC:You mean it?
GRIF:A little bit. Okay? But we are definitely getting back to pizza.
He holds the time gun out to Doc.
HUGGINS:Oh no. No! Don’t do it!
GRIF:Huh? Uh, Doc? Isn’t that the--
Doc grabs the time gun and hits Grif over the head with it, knocking him to the ground.
GRIF:Ow! Dick.
DOC:Ha ha ha… Oh Grif… ha ha ha... (Laughs, his laughter turning sinister and becoming… the voice of O’Malley!)
O’MALLEY:Ah, you fool!
GRIF:O’Malley?!
O’MALLEY:Yes, it is I! Enjoy the sixth century! Ah ha ha ha ha! Gotcha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
O'Malley opens a Donut Hole, and disappears, leaving Grif and Huggins behind.
GRIF:(Shaking his fists at the sky.) Piiiiizzaaaaa!!! (Collapses on the ground.)
HUGGINS:Well, that’s a bummer.


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 7: It Just Winked At Me

The episode opens where we last left Tucker and Kaikaina, the fiery mushroom cloud fading from the air.
TUCKER:Oho, fuck, I’m alive!
SISTER:Ho-holy fuck, I’m glad this visor’s tinted.
ATLUS:Aaaarrrgggghhh!
Atlus roars and strikes the ground with blue lightning, while Tucker and Kaikaina remain unaffected.)
TUCKER:My arm hair’s all staticky. Is that what you meant to do?
SISTER:Can you smite me just here, on my back? I’ve got this wicked knot.
Atlus roars again and blasts the ground with fire. Tucker and Kaikaina are still unaffected.
SISTER:Oh yeah, right there.
ATLUS:So, my sister spoke truth. You Shisno are truly under the protection of Him. Even my infinite power cannot pass through his cursed firewall.
TUCKER:Cool story, bro. We’re gonna go ahead and get out of here now if that’s all right with you.
ATLUS:Oh, I am far from finished. (Raises his right hand from which a puff of blue smoke appears, shoots straight outward and smashes into a cliff behind Tucker and Kaikaina. The smoke clears to reveal a blue portal, from which emerges a mysterious monster.) It is true I cannot harm you directly; however, my friend here, he--uh, sorry. What was your name again?
CYCLOPS:BROOOOOOOOOG!
ATLUS:Brog here can do whatever he pleases! As a cyclops, nothing will please him but ripping you apart and feasting on your entrails!
CYCLOPS:BROOOOOOOOOG!
ATLUS:Brog indeed.
SISTER:Aaaaaaagh! Aaaaaaagh!
She and Tucker turn tail and run, the Clyclops tromping after them across the field.
TUCKER:Aaagh, let’s get the hell out of here!
SISTER:Are you sure, Tucker? You could show me how great a fighter you really are.
TUCKER:(Stops running.) Yeah. Yeah, I guess I could!
SISTER:What? Why have you stopped running? Tucker, I was just giving you shit, let’s get the hell out of here!
TUCKER:You know, I could use the workout. I’ve been falling behind on my training lately.
The Cyclops approaches close behind Tucker.
ATLUS:Yeah, do it! You wuss!
SISTER:Tucker, shove that giant ego back in your suit and let’s fuck the hell off! It’s a cyclops!
TUCKER:Oh, come on! How is one eye scarier than two?
SISTER:Fine! If you want to kill yourself, at least give me the time--
The CYCLOPS roars and swats Tucker’s rifle out of his hand, sending it flying far into the distance.
SISTER:Welp! Good luck, have fun! (Runs away.)
TUCKER:(Draws his sword dramatically.) Luck? I’ve got depth perception.
The CYCLOPS swats Tucker’s sword away. It lands somewhere on the cliffs behind him.
TUCKER:Dick.
ATLUS:Ahahahaha!
TUCKER:Oh, that’s it! You’re going... down?
The Cyclops rears to its full height, its loincloth fluttering in the breeze, and Tucker looks up.
TUCKER:Balls. Oh! Ball! Singular! ...I guess that makes sense!
Cut to the ancient Italian countryside.
HUGGINS:Okay, Huggins. You’re marooned in the actual past. You need to stop this imminent orange mortal and his shisno friends from destroying time itself. No biggies! No biggies! (Nervous laughter.) Idea one: grease the wheel of time! Fly around at the speed of light! Let relatively do it’s thing! Bingo bango, back to the future! Meanwhile the Shisno free an ancient time god and we all die screaming. One for the maybe pile. ‘Kay, idea two: (Huggins glows red.) murder. (Watching Grif from a distance.) I bet he murders up real nice. (Turns white again.) No! I can’t do a murder! It’s against my personal code! And the law. Stupid physics. I’m gonna have to reason with the monkey. And in doing so, break divine decree and get tortured in the underworld for eternity. Ah. Win some, lose some!
Huggins flies up to Grif.
HUGGINS:Hi, Grif! I’m Huggins.
GRIF:Gonna be okay, Grif. You’ve been eating a lot of wild mushrooms lately. This was bound to happen sooner or later.
HUGGINS:I’m not a hallucination! I know you don’t know me and this probably sounds crazy but you and me are going to need to work together to escape the past, or we’re both dead!
GRIF:Uh, sure. And who are you exactly? Tinkerbell.
HUGGINS:(Sarcastically.) Oh, yeah. Good one. I’m Huggins. The gods sent me to spy on you.
GRIF:Right, the gods. Of course. If you’ll excuse me, I think we’re done here. (Walks away.)
HUGGINS:Well. That could’ve gone better.
Cut back to Tucker, firing on the Cyclops with his rifle.
CYCLOPS:(Unaffected by the gunfire.) Heh heh heh heh heh.
TUCKER:Changed my mind! Let’s grab my sword and get the fuck outta here!
Tucker runs away, with the cyclops in pursuit. Sister runs to the time gun and picks it up.
SISTER:I got the time portal gun! (Turns around to see Tucker still being chased.) Shit. Find cover!
TUCKER:Aaaaaaahhhh-hoo-hoo! (Runs inside the base.) Weapons! Come on, come on! (Spots a brand-new suit of teal armor lying against one wall.) Idea…
Tucker lets out a shriek as the Cyclops pulls a suit of teal armor out of the base with one hand, and bites its head off.
ATLUS:(Making the sign of the horns with both hands.) Huzzah! A fine kill! Ahahahaha!
The CYCLOPS wquints at the headless armor, turns it over to pour out a handful of grenades, growls with alarm. The grenades detonate, throwing the Cyclops off balance. Tucker comes flying off the ramp running up to the top of the base in a Warthog.
TUCKER:Surprise, unibrow!
The Warthog strikes the Cyclops in the eye, and he roars in distress.
ATLUS:No!
TUCKER:(Lands hard on the ground, the Cyclops falling beside him.) Ow, my back.
Sister, above on the cliff, grabs the sword off the ground.
TUCKER:Whooo! Up yours, Dunder-Mifflin! (Turns around to face the cliff.) Sister! Did you see that? Sister!
Their voices echo as they yell to each other across the field.
SISTER:What?
TUCKER:Were you looking?
SISTER:No!
TUCKER:God damn it!
The Cyclops begins to stir, and rise from the ground.
SISTER:Shit. Hey!
TUCKER:What?
SISTER:You know that cliche in horror movies where the main character thinks they’ve killed the monster and lets their guard down for a second, but actually it’s slowly getting up behind them without them?
TUCKER:Yeah?
SISTER:Run!
TUCKER:(Running.) Aaagh! I hit you in the face with a fucking car, you bitch! (Takes shelter in a narrow cavern beneath the cliffs.) Hah!
The CYCLOPS peers in with its one eye, attempts to punch its way in.
TUCKER:Ah ha ha, you can’t get me! Your dumb fat hand doesn’t fit! You can’t just force the whole hand in, bro! You gotta start with one finger!
The CYCLOPS pokes a single finger into the cave.
TUCKER:THE FUCK it speaks English!
KAIKAINA:Hey! One-eye!
The CYCLOPS looks up, Sister is standing on the edge of the cliff.
SISTER:Hope you like… uh, swords in your face!
TUCKER:Sister, no!
SISTER:(Leaping from the cliff, holding Tucker’s sword.) Alalalalalalalalalalalala--fuck! (Knocks the deactivated hilt against her hand.)
TUCKER:It only turns on for me, bow chicka bow wow!
SISTER:What? (Falls straight into the Cyclops’s eye and bounces off, landing in the grass.) My tailbone!
TUCKER:I’m comin’, baby! (Runs out of the cavern yelling.) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhh!
Tucker leaps and grabs hold of the Cyclops’s chin, and is quickly thrown off, knocking down Kaikaina, who has just gotten to her feet.
SISTER:Aahh!
The CYCLOPS gets to his feet, growling.
TUCKER:This is ridiculous! This thing has to have a weakness!
SISTER:It’s a cyclops!
TUCKER:Duh!
SISTER:No! Tucker! It has one weakness!
TUCKER:What is it?
SISTER:What does it have one of?
TUCKER:Oh! Oh, of course! (Takes off toward the Cyclops, narrowly avoiding a ground-punch.) Come on, come on! Shoryuken, motherucker!
Tucker leaps straight up in the air and punches the Cyclops straight in the ball. The Cyclops roars and falls to the ground in defeat.
TUCKER:Holy shit! That was terrifying! I almost overshot and went right up his butt.
SISTER:Oh, fuck! I need to see that. Go back in time and try again.
ATLUS:Bah! Beginner’s luck.
TUCKER:Screw that! I just slayed your monster.
ATLUS:A good first found. And next… (Opens another blue portal, from which emerges a second cyclops, identical except for a long blonde braid, a sand dollar necklace, and a shell bikini.) His wife.
The CYCLOPS WIFE screeches.
ATLUS:They’ve been trying for a child, you know. Shall I tell her you destroyed her husband’s only testicle, or would you like to?
SISTER:Nope.
TUCKER:Nope.
SISTER:Nope.
Tucker and Kaikaina turn and run, picking up their weapons. Kaikaina opens a Donut Hole, and she and Tucker run through.
Cut to a familiar castle on a green lawn.
MAROON KNIGHT:Loseth not thy faith, mine fasty cousin. The Lord God doth gaze upon all of us from His high seat on the throne of Heaven. He hath a purpose for each one of us! I assure you, we art all part of His holy plan.
The portal opens atop the parapet, and Kaikaina and Tucker tumble out.
SISTER:Hi?
ORANGE KNIGHT:(Aiming his crossbow at her.) Be thee demons? Hellspawn?
MAROON KNIGHT:It matters not. Have at thee!


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 8: Recovery

The scene opens on a beautiful Chorus landscape, a blue-green lake backed by rocky green hills and several alien towers in the distance against white clouds on a blue sky. Carolina and Washington are standing side by side, overlooking the lake.
WASH:Have I ever told you about my cat, Loki?
CAROLINA:(Amused.) Nope.
WASH:Had him back when I was a kid. Loki was always getting into trouble. One time, he got stuck up in a tree in our backyard. My mom’s about to call the fire department when Dad stops her. Says he’ll handle it. So he sends her inside and gets out his chainsaw.
CAROLINA:Oh no.
WASH:Oh yeah. Dad was never much of a cat person. So, he starts to cut the tree down, but it falls the wrong way: right into the power lines.
CAROLINA:Oh no.
WASH:Yeah. Poor Loki was electrocuted, falls thirty feet out of his tree, lands on his feet, walks away like nothing happened.
CAROLINA:Impressive.
WASH:This other time, we found Loki in the dryer, after my ma had finished a load of laundry. Another time, we find him in the engine of Dad’s truck. You get the idea. That cat lived to be twenty-five years old. Nine lives, you know.
CAROLINA:Sounds like your spirit animal.
WASH:Huh.
CAROLINA:How’s the head?
WASH:Better. You were right about the fresh air. Dr. Grey tell you about this place?
CAROLINA:There’s a training course nearby. It’s where I like to keep in shape.
WASH:Show me.
Cut to Wash and Carolina walking up to the nearby training course, with several different obstacles. Front and center is a set of wooden monkey bars and a wooden climbing wall.
WASH:Ahh, I haven’t seen one of these since Basic! You wanna race?
CAROLINA:Come on, Wash! You’re on the mend. You are not in any condition to compete.
WASH:I’m fine, Carolina, trust me. (Smugly.) You’re just scared you’ll lose one of these days.
CAROLINA:Hah, you didn’t stand a chance before. (Teasingly.) Before you got… old.
Wash runs up to the bars, drops his rifle and leaps up to grab ahold and begin crossing.
WASH:Huh--uh--oh yeah. There we go. If you’re gonna give me a head start, you’ll regret it!
Carolina walks casually across the top of the bars.
CAROLINA:Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Wash. Today is not the day that you beat me.
WASH:That’s cheating!
Carolina leaps off the last bar, doing a flip in the air and landing on one knee. Wash takes advantage by springing off her shoulders and onto the wall obstacle.
WASH:Yeh--agh!
Wash gets one hand over the top, but Carolina is already there. She kneels and extends a hand.
CAROLINA:(Teasingly.) No shame in asking for help.
WASH:(Pulling himself up.) Shove it!
Both Wash and Carolina leap down from the wall (Carolina cartwheeling with her hands behind her back), landing and rolling to their feet and running for the next obstacle, and inclined balance beam. They are neck in neck, but just as Wash reaches the top of the incline, his beam snaps, and he falls.
WASH:Wah!
CAROLINA:Wash! (She rushes to his side.) You okay there?
WASH:(Looking up, confused.) What happened?
CAROLINA:Your bar snapped. You… took a tumble.
WASH:I know that. The hell are we even doing out here? (Sits up.) I’m… not in any condition to race, Carolina.
CAROLINA:(Softly.) I know.
WASH:Next time you’re feeling competitive, find someone else to challenge. You can’t rush me like this.
CAROLINA:Wash--
WASH:Whatever. Let’s head back.
Cut to Dr. Grey and Carolina inside a medical facility.
DR. GREY:Physically speaking, Agent Washington’s recovery has been remarkable.
CAROLINA:I’m not concerned about his body. He’s… still suffering from these… lapses.
DR. GREY:Mmm. Not uncommon for someone with an injury like his. How frequent are the episodes?
CAROLINA:Hard to say.
A high-pitched drill sound fires up.
CAROLINA:...You know, if this isn’t a good time, I can always come back.
DR. GREY:Nonsense! It’s just an autopsy.
The camera zooms out to reveal a pair of bare legs visible on the table in front of Dr. Grey, the rest of the body obscured by a tray of medical instruments in the foreground.
DR. GREY:I didn’t figure you for the squeamish type! Please! Continue.
Drilling sounds continue.
CAROLINA:Wash is perfectly normal one minute, then… seemingly at random, he… you know. There has to be something else we can try.
DR. GREY:Hold this, please. (Squelching noise.) You know, the brain is an organ. Like any other part of the body, it will repair itself! To a point. What that point is, only time will tell.
CAROLINA:Wait and see. That’s not very comforting.
DR. GREY:Really! As it happens, I’m not especially known for my bedside manner. You, on the other hand, have made a wonderful nurse! Agent Washington is a lucky man.
CAROLINA:No. A lucky man would’ve had a better partner. Someone keeping an eye out for him.
DR. GREY:Phooey. He’s a soldier. He shoots, he gets shot. That’s the whole design! You can set that down anywhere. (More squelching noises.) I… take it you still haven’t told him.
CAROLINA:No. Not yet. I believe it will slow the recovery.
DR. GREY:For my patients, I prefer to lay everything out on the table.
CAROLINA:(Glancing at the table in front of Dr. Grey.) I can see that. ...Washington was the strongest Freelancer. Spiritually. Every time he was hurt, he would just bounce right back up. If we tell him he’s a… broken man… (Adamantly.) It’s better this way. I think. Oh… (Upset.) I don’t know!
DR. GREY:Quite the paradox you’ve found yourself in! I’m not envious.
CAROLINA:Thanks.
DR. GREY:Dare I ask… have you heard any word from our wayward sheep?
CAROLINA:I’m sure the Reds and Blues can handle themselves. Wherever they are.
Cut to the ancient Italian countryside. Grif and Huggins are in a meadow full of blue flowers. On the grass is what appears to be an attempt at a tipi, built out of sticks.
HUGGINS:It’s way better than the last one!
GRIF:Shut up. Go away. Leave me alone.
Grif walks away. Huggins follows.
HUGGINS:Have you thought about what I said? About our team-up?
GRIF:Never gonna happen, spark plug! You work for the people or things that destroyed pizza! So congratulations, you’ve invented something worse than Nazis!
HUGGINS:Not true! That must’ve been you or your friends! Why would I mess with gross food? I’m made of light!
GRIF:And that’s another thing! I’m not working with a talking lens flare! It’s stupid! Really stupid.
HUGGINS:(Indignantly.) I’m not a lens flare! I’m a sentient light being. It’s not that weird--heck, you’re the one made of blood and bones and meat.
GRIF:Please stop talking about food.
Grif takes off again, with Huggins in pursuit.
HUGGINS:I understand you may have trust issues after your friend stabbed you in the back.
GRIF:Not my friend.
HUGGINS:It wasn’t his fault, though.
GRIF:And how exactly is that?
HUGGINS:Well, to understand what really happened to Doc, I have to tell the story of the beginning of time. The oldest myths my species tell of a great war between gods and titans--
GRIF:Stop it. I am not sitting through fucking exposition.
HUGGINS:I’ll tell you what I saw. At night, when you were sleeping, Doc would become someone else. He would transform into this other Doc, with a weird voice and cheesy laugh.
GRIF:O’Malley!
HUGGINS:My species’ myths always warned that time travel warps weaker minds, drawing them in by offering them the ability to fix their mistakes. If you give in to it too deeply, you become a shisno--an agent of Chrovos!
GRIF:If you knew Doc was breaking bad, why the hell did you let me give him the time machine?!
HUGGINS:I couldn’t say anything! It’s against the rules! I’m going to be in boatloads of trouble for talking to you now, but you and me’ve got to work together to get back to the present.
GRIF:Still not happening.
HUGGINS:But Grif! More of your friends may be corrupted by Chrovos.
GRIF:If I had a time machine, I’d use it to go back to the beginning of this conversation. The part where I said, “Shut up. Go away. Leave me alone.”
HUGGINS:We can’t spend the rest of our lives in ancient Italy!
GRIF:Shut up. Go away. Leave me alone!
HUGGINS:I know where your sister is. Here, on Earth. In this time period!
GRIF:(Raising his rifle and firing on Huggins.) Shut up! Go away! Leave me alone!
HUGGINS:I’m made of light. Bullets can’t hurt me, dumb-dumb.
GRIF:Fuck off, sparky! Leave me alone before I find a black hole and shove your ass inside.
Huggins flies away quickly, whimpering in distress.
Cut to a nighttime cityscape on Chorus. We hear a voicemail beep, and Dylan Andrews in a voiceover.
DYLAN:Hi Carolina, it’s Dylan--uh, Dylan Andrews. Please give me a call back when you get this. Thanks! (BEEP.) Dylan again. This is not about a story--something else, ah-- (Nervous laughter.) Really important. I found the Reds and Blues! Call me back. Please! (BEEP.) Dylan here, call me! Soon as you get this, call me! Think I might be losing my mind! Call me call me call me! (BEEP.)
Cut to Carolina in an indoor setting, with a computer screen and a couch with a soda can sitting on the table beside it. Dylan Andrews’ name pops up on the screen.
DYLAN:Carolina, finally.
CAROLINA:(Tiredly.) Hi, Dylan. What’s goin’ on? You found the guys?
DYLAN:You could say that… Hold on. I’m gonna send you something. You might want to sit down.
Dylan transmits an image of a gold-framed baroque painting of a King and two adoring women… except the central figure is Tucker, in full armor under robes and a gold crown.
CAROLINA:That’s uh, interesting. Did you find this on the internet?
DYLAN:The Guggenheim, actually. This painting is apparently 2000 years old.
CAROLINA:Bullshit.
DYLAN:It’s been carbon-dated. It’s real. And apparently Tucker isn’t alone. (Another image loads.) This one’s Mayan.
CAROLINA:Lopez?
DYLAN:(A third image loads.) And this is Egyptian. The inscription is 5000 years old.
CAROLINA:Caboose? (Wearily.) Oh no.
DYLAN:I’ve been thinking, Dylan Andrews! You’ve lost your damn mind. And then I thought, Loco built a time machine. I saw it work! Right after that, the Reds and Blues went missing, and now they’re showing up in history books! Carolina--
CAROLINA:Please don’t say it.
DYLAN:I think the Reds and Blues--
CAROLINA:Don’t.
DYLAN:--are lost in time.
CAROLINA:Eugh.
DYLAN:The situation is very strange.
CAROLINA:Understatement of a lifetime. I was worried when they didn’t show up on Chorus, obviously, but… it’s not unlike them to get lost, just--oh god, not this kind of lost!
DYLAN:Normally, when confronted with something I don’t understand, I consult the experts: Scientists. But time travel isn’t a science. I checked and proceeded to get laughed out of the building. But I do know one person who might help. Seems to know more about time travel than anyone living. Problem is, he’s on location. You’ll have to go in person.
CAROLINA:Me.
DYLAN:For the sake of my career, and sanity? I’m sitting this one out.
CAROLINA:Any chance it’ll fix itself? The Reds and Blues might get un-lost in time… right?
DYLAN:Possibly, but that’s leaving an awful lot to chance. I mean, Caboose with a time machine?
CAROLINA:I’ll hop on the next ship out.
Cut to Grif and Huggins.
GRIF:My sister’s really here?
HUGGINS:Yeah! She’s in a place called England. I found her while I was scouting around.
GRIF:And she’s alone? Is she in trouble?
HUGGINS:Ah… not exactly. She came with your friend Tucker.
GRIF:Tucker too, huh? They got one of these time guns?
HUGGINS:Uh huh! I can get us there! You changed your mind!
GRIF:If we work together--and I mean if--it’s just to get to my friends. Okay?
HUGGINS:Okay!
GRIF:Just to be clear. I’m not doing this to help you. I’m doing this because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life without seeing a flushing toilet.
HUGGINS:Too much information!
GRIF:I’ve also got some demands. Number one: no more exposition. I don’t want to hear about your gods or your titans, or your wars or you quests, or anything!
HUGGINS:Got it. I can keep a lid on it. Honestly, I’ve been oversharing as it is. I have a problem with keeping secrets!
GRIF:Number two: no talking in general.
HUGGINS:I’d give you a thumbs up, but I ain’t got no thumbs!
GRIF:Which brings me to number three: put yourself on a dimmer or something?
HUGGINS:Done-zo! If you’re finished, I have a demand of my own.
GRIF:(Irately.) What’s that?
HUGGINS:Please don’t joke about black holes. A black hole killed my parents. They are really scary.
GRIF:Deal.
HUGGINS:To England!
GRIF:Ugh. It’s not far, is it?
HUGGINS:Italy to England? It’s a hop, skip, and a jump! We’ll be there in no time! Once, I had a top secret mission from the gods and traveled from the core planets to the outer rim and back again in a few seconds. That was a trip!
GRIF:You just broke all three rules, Huggins.
HUGGINS:Technically, we hadn’t started yet?
GRIF:(Sighs.) Sure.
HUGGINS:(Flares brightly.) Oooh, yes!
GRIF:Huggins!
HUGGINS:Sorry.
Cut to the city on Chorus at night, outside a hotel. Carolina is standing by the street as Wash walks up.
WASH:Carolina! What brings you to my neck of the woods?
CAROLINA:Looking for you. I tried calling.
WASH:I’ve been out walking.
CAROLINA:It’s awful late.
WASH:Couldn’t sleep. What’s up?
CAROLINA:So, I had some news about our multicolored friends…
WASH:They’re in trouble and need our help. Thank god, I was starting to get bored. When do we lift off?
CAROLINA:I was going to hop on the next transport out. Dr. Grey said she’d keep you company while I’m gone. It should only be a few days.
WASH:Hey, if the gang’s in trouble, I’m coming.
CAROLINA:You’re on the mend, Wash.
WASH:I’m fine. More than anything, I need something to focus on. A problem to solve. All this sitting around is making me feel fuzzy-brained.
CAROLINA:We’re just going to talk to Dylan’s expert. Nothing serious.
WASH:Sounds fun. Trust me, I’m fine. I know myself. I take a hit, I bounce back.
CAROLINA:I know you do.
WASH:That reminds me. I ever tell you about my cat, Loki?
There’s a long pause.
CAROLINA:...Nope.
WASH:Had him back when I was a kid. He was our family pet.
Cut to a Pelican breaking orbit from Chorus.
WASH:(In voiceover.) Loki was always getting into trouble…


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 9: Walk and Talk

The scene opens on a wide shot of a movie set, several low buildings lined with palm trees. At the end of a long walkway, a Pelican lands on a landing pad, and a red-armored crew member walks up to meet the passengers as they disembark.
GEORGE:Greetings! Agents Carolina and Washington! The Director is expecting you.
George leads Wash and Carolina inside.
GEORGE:Dear Director is in the middle of a very important meeting. However, I was told to let you right in.
He leads Wash and Carolina into a room where Jax is arguing with Cohan. Another crew member in white armor stands beside Jax, holding a rocket launcher.
JAX:You know how I feel about that word! Nothing is impossible!
COHAN:Okay, it’s not impossible, but… launching a camera on a rocket towards human actors is… it’s extremely dangerous and probably won’t even work.
JAX:(Laughs.) I’m not an idiot! I know it probably won’t work. But that just means we have to do a lot of takes! It may take weeks.
COHAN:We can’t! We can’t. Dear sweet Jesus, my chest. We can’t-- (Collapses to the floor coughing and choking.)
JAX:We’ll cram it in right before we re-shoot the first act. There’s a defibrillator in the hallway, Cohan. Or do you need me to do that for you, as well?
GEORGE:Pardon me… ah… you have guests, sir.
JAX:IF THEY'RE FROM THE STUDIO, YOU CAN TELL THEM TO WAIT IN THE FUCKING TRASH COMP--oh hey, it’s Carolina and Washington! How the hell are you guys? How’s the neck, Wash?
WASH:It’s okay.
JAX:Oh, I’m so psyched you guys are here! Let me give you the grand tour.
COHAN:(Still on the floor.) No… more… tours… we need… to shoot scenes…
Cut to Jax leading Carolina and Wash around the set.
JAX:Pretty incredible, isn’t it? I had them recreate this place down to the very last detail.
CAROLINA:It’s… uncanny.
WASH:We spent a lot of time here?
JAX:You don’t remember? How does that even--
CAROLINA:How’s the shoot going?
JAX:Well, we’ve had fires, sabotage, actors dying in strange circumstances, food shortages, paranormal activity, union strikes, lawsuits--in short, amazing!
CAROLINA:Are you being sarcastic?
JAX:No! See, the best movies have the most tortured productions. And this has been the most tortured production of all time! Ergo, this is going to be the best movie of all time!
Carolina and Wash exchange a look.
WASH:Makes… sense.
JAX:Oh! This way. You guys are gonna love this.
Cut to a horrifically accurate recreation of Temple’s trophy room, complete with actors in the armor of the ten dead Freelancers.
JAX:Nice, huh?
CAROLINA:Uh… certainly gives me the chills.
WASH:This your suit storage, or what?
JAX:Whoa--you don’t remember this?
WASH:Some pieces of last year are… are still a bit fuzzy. What was it?
CAROLINA:We were... tortured here, Wash? ...You know, I’m starting to think this set visit was a mistake.
WASH:Nonsense. We were frozen. Stuck in here for a long time… then, Locus came? Hey, maybe this’ll be good for me. Help jog the old memory banks.
JAX:Not that I mind the company, but what brings you guys my way?
CAROLINA:It’s… about the Reds and Blues. It’s rather important we find them.
JAX:Well, look no further! Sarge and Simmons joined some weeks back.
CAROLINA:They’re here? W-we thought--I’m not even going to tell you what we thought.
JAX:Which one… (Walks up to one of the actors.) Sarge?
BLUE ACTOR:Uh, nope!
JAX:(Walks up to the next actor.) Sarge?
PURPLE ACTOR:Over there.
JAX:The art department wanted to use mannequins! (Crosses the room to a soldier wearing a helmet like Illinois, but colored red.) Sarge? Sarge you can talk now. ...Simon says you can talk now, Sarge.
SARGE:Ho-ho, hey hey! What’s crack-a-lackin’? How’s the neck, Wash?
WASH:It’s fine.
SARGE:If you came here lookin’ for a walk-on, get in line!
CAROLINA:Sarge! I… know this sounds silly, but for a while we were actually convinced you were lost in time.
SARGE:Lost! Hah! Never! I merely had to ask for directions… once or twice.
JAX:Uh… what?
WASH:Sarge. Do you have… a time… machine?
SARGE:Nah.
CAROLINA:Oh, thank God.
SARGE:I left it with Simmons! Back this-a-way.
Carolina and Wash exchange another look, and follow Sarge.
Scene cuts to Huggins and Grif on the move.
HUGGINS:Dop ba doo bop ch-ch-ka chicka-cha a-ding dong doot da doo wa boop. Ba doop doop doo…
GRIF:Sparky, what did we say about noise?
HUGGINS:We said no talking. This is more of a hum-sing.
GRIF:Well, none of that either! New rule.
HUGGINS:Rules, rules, rules! You’re like Atlus.
GRIF:(Sighs.) Is… is Atlus the thing that attacked us?
HUGGINS:No! That was Kalirama, his wife! She’s scary. I thought you didn’t want to talk about god stuff.
GRIF:I don’t.
Cut to Grif and Huggins sitting by a campfire at night.
GRIF:But they’re not like, god-gods, right?
HUGGINS:They’re god-gods!
GRIF:Bullshit.
HUGGINS:They’re immortal creatures of vast power and wisdom. What do you call that?
GRIF:Powerful alien… something-somethings.
HUGGINS:Something-something god-gods?
GRIF:Whatever.
HUGGINS:The really old stories, the myths of my race, say that back when we were little more than patterns of flashing light in a celestial nebula, the Cosmic Powers came to us. They even looked like us! But bigger and more awesome. And they gave us language and religion and art and war. And probably did that to you, too. They made you!
GRIF:No one made me. I made me.
HUGGINS:(Huffs.) I’m talking about the greater human you. You all. Y’all. All y’all!
GRIF:What did we say about Southern accents?
HUGGINS:(In a Southern drawl.) That they’re dang wicked awesome there, pardner!
Grif starts to laugh, and quickly disguises it as a cough.
Cut to Grif and Huggins walking through more green fields.
GRIF:So then I killed both those guys, right. But then Hans was all like, “I have your wife, Mister McClane.” And by the way, that was my old name. John McClane.
HUGGINS:Wow!
GRIF:Anyway. He made me meet him upstairs! So I go up there, hands up behind my head like, “Oh no! I’ma surrender!”
HUGGIN:(Flitting around excitedly.) Oh no, oh no, oh no.
GRIF:Then I reached behind my back, where I had taped this pistol. I grabbed the gun, and I was all like, “Yip--”
HUGGINS:“Yippee-ki-ay, motherfucker!”
GRIF:You’ve seen Die Hard?
HUGGINS:Yeah… I didn’t want to interrupt your story, but my uncle has a cameo in that movie. He’s on the headlight of the bad guy’s truck.
Cut to Grif and Huggins, still walking over different terrain.
GRIF:It just keeps happening! I get a few moments’ rest, and then we go on another thing. And another thing. It never ends!
HUGGINS:And how does that make you feel?
GRIF:Like a pinball! Trapped in a--a never-ending cycle of shenanigans and adventures. It’s like… it’s like my hell.
HUGGINS:Sooo, back when I was totally creeping on you, I heard you talk to your BFF about pre-emptive laziness?
GRIF:What a disaster.
HUGGINS:Duh! You tried to outsmart Destiny. She’s way too smart for that.
GRIF:Huggins, I don’t believe in destiny.
HUGGINS:That’s silly! You should meet her. She’s got a wicked sense of humor.
GRIF:(Coming to the edge of a rocky cliff.) Whoa! That’s it. We reached the end of the world.
HUGGINS:That’s just the English Channel. By the way, can you swim?
GRIF:Hahahahahahaha--no.
HUGGINS:Plan B, then. How well does your suit recycle air?
Cut to Grif walking along the bottom of the English Channel with Huggins at his side.
HUGGINS:All I’m saying is this: sometimes when I’m zipping around space going really really fast, I have to go through clouds of gross gas! Euh, yuck! I could go around, or try to think about something else, or whine and complain and bitch like you--
GRIF:‘Kay!
HUGGINS:--but it’s best to just focus on getting through it as fast as possible!
GRIF:What, what are you--what are you saying?
HUGGINS:We’re both stuck in gross gas right now.
GRIF:You have no idea, buddy. I’m trying to hold it in.
HUGGINS:Metaphorical gas! We need to find a shortcut out.
GRIF:You’re talking about work!
HUGGINS:Don’t think about it as work! Think about it as, ah, proactive laziness!
GRIF:(Makes disgusted noises.)
HUGGINS:Yeah… probably won’t work.
GRIF:No, not that. Another one crept out. Eugh!
HUGGINS:Gross!
GRIF:I’m a--I’m a fart submarine! Blub blub!
HUGGINS:Ugh! Nasty!
GRIF:The smell is so intense, I think it’s become sentient!
HUGGINS:Agh, sentient smells are the worst!
GRIF:I can never tell when you’re joking.
Cut back to the movie set.
SIMMONS:Sorry… I know it’s around here somewhere. (Rummaging noises.) Ah, here it is, found it! (Electronic noise. Simmons stands up with the time gun.) Here we go… oh, wow. This is where it happens!
CAROLINA:What?
SIMMONS:You know what, forget about it. So, this is our time machine. What, you wanna hold it or something?
CAROLINA:(Frustrated.) What’s the gag here? How’s this joke end?
SARGE:No jokes! That’s our magic gun! It opens up Donut Holes to the past!
JAX:Uh, bullshit.
SIMMONS:Yeah, I know what happens next. We prove it to you! Bingo.
(Simmons fires the gun, opening a portal that shows… Simmons, on a beach.)
SIMMONS:Hey, Simmons.
PAST SIMMONS:Whoa, cool. It’s me! Hi, me!
SIMMONS:Hi, me! I’m you… from the future!
PAST SIMMONS:Neat! What’s up, future me? Have you come to warn me about the terrible mistakes I’m about to make?
SIMMONS:Nope. I’m just showing Carolina, Wash, and Jax that time travel is real.
PAST SIMMONS:Oh, Wash, you’re okay! Thank goodness! How’s the neck?
WASH:It’s fine.
PAST SIMMONS:Yo Sarge, Wash is okay, he says his neck is fine!
PAST SARGE:(Offscreen.) Tell Wash I said, “What’s crack-a-lackin’?” He’ll get it, it’s a thing between us.
PAST SIMMONS:I’m sure they can hear you, Sarge.
SIMMONS:See? Time travel. This is me and Sarge a few weeks ago. Or a few thousand years ago, depending on how you want to look at it. You see, we were recruiting some new Reds in Troy--
PAST SIMMONS:Sarge is trying to recruit Achilles, but we’re having some language issues! Now Sarge is trying to get through to him by pretending to be Zeus!
PAST SARGE:(Offscreen.) I’m the King of the Gods, you primitive screwheads! And this is my boomstick! (Shotgun sounds.) Ha ha!
SIMMONS:This is weird. I remember this conversation from the other side.
PAST SIMMONS:I agree. This is weird. Hey, future Simmons, can you give me some hints on how we can recruit this Achilles guy? He’s a real dick.
SARGE:It never happens. I get frustrated and stab him in the foot!
PAST SARGE:(Coming into view through the portal.) Great idea, me!
WASH:I can feel my brain melting.
PAST SARGE:I stabbed him in the foot, Simmons! Ha ha. Let’s boogie!
PAST SIMMONS:Well, looks like we gotta run!
The portal closes.
CAROLINA:I don’t know how to process this.
JAX:Amazing! Time travel is real? I have so many questions! Wait! That’s not his stage name!
SIMMONS:Yeah. And your new AD is actually George Washington.
JAX:And that dead dude! Uh, Alex?
SARGE:Alexander the Overrated! I mean, who dies of a common cold? He can’t even conquer the sniffles.
SIMMONS:Yeah. Turns out his immune system couldn’t handle modern germs. Whoops!
JAX:Oh my god, I have so many questions!
CAROLINA:Jax, we were hoping you’d have answers. Dylan said you are an expert on the subject of time travel.
SIMMONS:Yeah, I hate to burst your bubble but you really shouldn’t go down that rabbit hole. Time travel is beyond comprehension. It’s just beyond science!
JAX:Nonsense! Just because science can’t explain it doesn’t mean science fiction can’t! We just have to figure out what type of time travel we’re dealing with.
WASH:How many types are there?
JAX:Two! Kinda. Three...ish. You can sort time travel movies by how they deal with paradoxes. (Writes PARADOX at the top of a whiteboard.) See, a paradox is a contradiction in reality. Say for instance, you go back in time and kill your younger self. Or you go back in time and prevent yourself from time-traveling in the first place. Paradox. Something happens that can’t happen. Sarge? Ah, Simmons? Have you guys done anything that can’t happen?
SIMMONS:I don’t think so?
JAX:Movies deal with the issue of paradoxes a few different ways. Most films deal with the problem of creating a closed loop. Like La Jetée, like Primer, like Kyle Reese impregnating Sarah Connor… maybe like Sarge telling himself to stab Achilles in the foot. Everything you do in the past is part of the same timeline. This sort of travel makes the most logical sense, but there are really troubling free will issues. The other type of time travel is the alternate reality theory. According to that, when you travel through time, you’re actually creating another reality or universe. Like in the JJ Abrams Star Trek reboot. This method deals with the paradox problem by ignoring it. It also implies that a time machine can create all the matter and energy of a new universe, so… yeah. No freakin’ way. Last and least is the flexible timeline. Marty McFly goes back in time and stops his parents from meeting. He undoes his own existence. The ultimate paradox! But he doesn’t just vanish. Instead he’s got this weird buffer period to fix it. Why or how this buffer period exists… yeah, no explanation. It… shouldn’t. Which brings us back to Type 1: the closed loop. The most logical kind of time travel, but also the most… terrifying?
CAROLINA:What did you mean about free will?
JAX:Well, in a closed loop, you don’t really choose what you do. You have to do what you did. What you will do, you have to do. You can’t do anything that you won’t do. You know what I mean?
WASH:Not even in the slightest.
JAX:Well, basically… it means we’re not in control over our own lives. Anything that you’re gonna do with the time machine, you’re gonna do. Y-you don’t get to choose.
CAROLINA:(Wearily.) We’re getting into philosophy now.
SIMMONS:You’re saying everything is pre-ordained? Like, by a god?
SARGE:No way! No higher power controls my destiny!
JAX:Oh. Oh! We can find out! Right now! We could run a test on free will!
WASH:(Skeptically.) What sort of test?
JAX:Okay, heh--here’s the idea. Sarge, after this meeting, I want you to choose whether or not you want to use your time machine to hide inside this storage closet. Your choice.
SARGE:Okay, I’m gonna do it!
JAX:Nope, don’t--don’t say it out loud--
SARGE:Okay, I’m not gonna do it!
JAX:Don’t tell me your choice. Just do it after the meeting--
SARGE:So I’m doing it?
JAX:No--
SARGE:Make up your mind already!
JAX:Think it to yourself--
SARGE:Right.
JAX:--and then do the thing afterward--
SARGE:I’m thinking to myself, I will hide in the storage closet!
JAX:Nope, just think it.
SARGE:Am I doing it or not?
JAX:Not out loud.
SARGE:I am gonna ace this test!
JAX:Right. So right now, one of us is gonna open this door. Now, if time-traveling Sarge is on the other side, he has to go back. If he isn’t on the other side, then he can’t go back. So--
SIMMONS:It’s like Schrödinger’s cat.
JAX:Kinda.
CAROLINA:So this test is going to prove or disprove the very existence of free will.
JAX:(Glances at the closet door.) Yup. (Long pause.) Sooo… who… wants… to open… that… door?
WASH:No fucking way.
CAROLINA:No thank you.
SARGE:Hell no!
JAX:Hahaha! Well, I’m not doing it.
SIMMONS:I’m not afraid.
Simmons stares down the keypad by the door handle.
JAX:Well?
SIMMONS:I’m doing it, I’m doing it! ...Eh, fuck it. Here we go.
Simmons opens the closet door. It slides up, and Simmons jumps backward.
EVERYONE:Aaaaaaaggghhh!
Behind the door is… Caboose and Lopez.
CABOOSE:Ah, hello!


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 10: Caboose's Travels

The opening screen is a shot of the Earth from space, with yellow stars drawn over the background and “Caboose’s Travels” in rainbow gradient letters. And Comic Sans.
CABOOSE:(Voice-over.) Hello ladies and gentlemen! Welcome… to my vacation photos. Gentlemen, hold onto your butts. Ladies, hold onto whatever girls have instead of butts. ...Is it a tail? (Whispers.) Is that what it is?
Caboose’s photos begin to appear in the frame, many with a place and time labeled in the lower right corner.
REACH 2460 AD:Caboose against a backdrop of some kind of black cliffs, and some kind of ship with blue lights in the sky above him.
CABOOSE:Ah, this is the one from when I found the gun that shoots doors and went through the doors and had a good time with my friend Lopez.
LOPEZ:Lo odiaba. 
CAPTION:“I hated you.”
(UNLABELED):Caboose hunting on the ground outside a building for his lucky penny.
CABOOSE:Yeah, it all started because I needed my lucky penny to start a fixed-interest savings account.
DESOLATION ISLE 2558 AD:Caboose overlooking the scene at the beginning of season 16, on the island.
CABOOSE:Then Grif told me to go buy some donuts.
SARAJEVO 1914 AD:Caboose handing his pistol to a mysterious person.
CABOOSE:So I went to the donut shop and a guy named Gavrilo Principal asked to borrow my gun. I said okay. Yeah, then there was a lot of yelling, so we left and went here.
BJORNDAL CRYOGENICS 2548 AD:Caboose standing in front of the oil platform from season 9. (Unlabeled) Caboose talking with one of the Bjorndal guards, while holding up two fingers.
CABOOSE:I was really tired, so I asked someone for two cups of coffee.
YUCATAN PENINSULA 871 AD:Caboose sneezing on a Maya person.
CABOOSE:I, ah, yeah, I totally sneezed on that guy.
AFRICA 2,320,521 BC:Caboose hanging out with some monkeys.
CABOOSE:Yeah, then we asked some monkeys if they’d seen my penny, but it turned out they were mean monkeys.
(UNLABELED):Caboose swinging a femur bone at one of the monkeys.
CABOOSE:If they turn and come back I’ll beat ‘em! With a stick!
(UNLABELED):Caboose skipping away as one of the monkeys holds the femur aloft, the others looking on in fascination.
CABOOSE:Yeah, I hope they learned their lesson.
BUDA, TX 2003:Caboose with the founding fathers of Rooster Teeth: Geoff, Jason, Gus, Matt, Burnie, and Joel. Caboose has one hand on Burnie’s shoulder, and is giving Joel bunny ears.
CABOOSE:Oh yeah! Then I met some really really ugly people and helped name their company. I think it will stick! Agh! God, those guys were ugly!
AFRICA 612,002 BC:Caboose standing around a campfire, with three cavemen. CABOOSE: And then we met some really hairy guys! All the hairy guys looked so cold, I started a fire for them!
(UNLABELED):The cavemen lifting Caboose up over their heads, looking happy. CABOOSE: Hairy guys are my best friends!
(UNLABELED):Caboose playing a guitar made of wood and stone, while the three cavemen play their own crude instruments: a bone triangle, a drumset made of stone and hide and tree roots, and a bass made entirely out of wood. There’s a fire in the foreground, and Caboose has his foot in it.
CABOOSE:Ah, and then me and the hairy men started a band! And I was teaching them how to play “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” when I caught on fire!
ALEXANDRIA 48 BC:Caboose on fire running through a library, toward a pink portal on the far right of the frame.
CABOOSE:Yeah, this part I was on fire.
LONDON:1666 AD: Caboose on fire running through a London street, toward a pink portal.
CABOOSE:Yeah, let’s skip that part. Skip.
NEW JERSEY 1937 AD:Caboose parachuting from a blimp, in grainy black and white.
CABOOSE:Skip, skip, skip.
(UNLABELED):Caboose’s view of Sarge, Simmons, Jax, Wash, and Carolina right after Simmons opened the closet door.
CABOOSE:Then I found my friends. The end!
WASH:Well, that changes… literally everything.
JAX:I’m gonna need some time to process this. Ten, fifteen years should be enough.
SIMMONS:Told you so.
CAROLINA:At least we’re still standing here, right? Caboose didn’t erase anybody.
JAX:Yah! That we know of! Uh, it is a good point though. Caboose’s travels in time are--
CABOOSE:Are in time for what? Am I late?
SIMMONS:Time travels, Caboose.
CABOOSE:Sure it does. Really makes you think. (Whispers.) Circles.
JAX:As I was saying--
GEORGE:Pardon--ah, dear Director? We’re all set up and waiting for you.
JAX:Cancel the shoot! This is way too important.
GEORGE:Understood! We shall shoot the maiming scene another day, I guess.
JAX:Whoa, we’re up to that? Fuck yeah, time travel can wait! Ah, okay, wait. Real quick. There’s still one more piece to this puzzle.
CAROLINA:The paradox question.
JAX:Right. So far, all the time traveling can be explained away by a really weird closed loop. No one’s done anything that would prevent them from traveling in time in the first place. If you do that, let me know what happens! If there’s still a me. And there’s still a happens.
WASH:Speaking of closed loops--my migraine has a migraine. I’ll, um--I’ll see you guys later. Gonna grab some shuteye.
Carolina watches Wash walk out of the room.
Cut to the medieval castle, and a sign that has been changed from “CAMELOT” to “CAMELTO.”
ORANGE KNIGHT:(Voiceover.) Lord, please--I bring news.
Cut to the interior of a castle, where Tucker is seated on a golden throne, with the Orange Knight standing before him.
TUCKER:News? Ennh! Boring. Skip.
ORANGE KNIGHT:Sire, the--the French have landed at Cornwall!
TUCKER:Sweet. About frickin’ time. Did they bring everything I asked for?
ORANGE KNIGHT:I don’t believe so, Your Grace. It appears to be an invasion? We must raise an army at once.
TUCKER:Pah. An army. Let’s let the military worry about armies, okay?
ORANGE KNIGHT:But we are the--Sire--I shan’t stand here and watch as the noble land of Camelot--
TUCKER:Camelto.
ORANGE KNIGHT:Camelto… is overrun by the French! I refuse--
Tucker stands up from his throne, and draws his energy sword.
ORANGE KNIGHT:Excalibur!
Two Blue knights nearby kneel.
BLUE KNIGHT:Blessed be the sword of swords!
TUCKER:That’s what I thought. Are we done?
ORANGE KNIGHT:No, Your Grace. There is one other matter. Thou hath a visitor. He insults thee to any fellow that listens.
TUCKER:What?! What does he sayeth?
ORANGE KNIGHT:He sayeth… “Tucker is a butt. A dildo.” That he hath a dildo up the butt.
TUCKER:What?
ORANGE KNIGHT:He sayeth thou cannot maintain an erection, and hath dubbed this condition “Wangxiety.”
TUCKER:But you told him I’m King, right?
ORANGE KNIGHT:Verily. He countered, perhaps thou art the King of… masturbating?
The two Blue knights snicker.
ORANGE KNIGHT:Jack of all offs, Master of Bates, and a Cockbite of the highest order.
TUCKER:Kill him! Kill that guy! Off with his head!
ORANGE KNIGHT:Ah, yes Sire.
The Orange Knight turns to leave.
TUCKER:Cockbite… cockbite? Oh, God damn it.
Tucker rises from his throne, draws his rifle and heads out of the throne room.
He meets Grif at opposite ends of a long table.
TUCKER:What the fuck are you doing here?
GRIF:We happened to be in the neighborhood.
TUCKER:Yeah? Neat. What’s with the uh, glowing thing?
GRIF:Huggins has a name.
HUGGINS:It’s Huggins!
SISTER:(Entering the room.) Sorry I’m late! I got waylaid. Hey, brother! When did you pop in?
HUGGINS:We happened to be in the neighborhood.
TUCKER:What brings you to my kingdom, losers? Need a knighthood? Or perhaps a circumcision.
GRIF:Knock it off.
TUCKER:Oh, come on! Now what’ll it be, a Baron? Baron Wasteland, Lord of the Swamp. I’m the King! Get with it.
GRIF:(Aside to Kaikaina.) What the fuck is wrong with Tucker?
SISTER:Somebody doesn’t take rejection well!
TUCKER:God damn it. Respect me! I hold the magic sword, and thusly, I decide what’s what! My word is law! The sun and the moon are the same thing! Mice grow up to be dogs! Scott Bakula’s Star Trek is one long weird episode of Quantum Leap! You will respect me! You will kneel!
SISTER:We can see your boner.
TUCKER:Eep--I’ll fire you from the trebuchet!
Suddenly a Donut Hole opens opposite Kaikaina, and Donut emerges.
DONUT:Oh, friends! I have finally found you! Praise be!
GRIF:Look, Tucker. I didn’t cross the face of the Earth for shits and giggles. We’re all in deep. O’Malley’s back.
DONUT:Guys?
GRIF:Turns out all our time traveling has been doing some serious damage to some serious shit.
SISTER:How do you know all this?
GRIF:Huggins told me. We’re working together now. Power bump-- (Huggins spirals rabidly around Grif’s torso and bumps his outstretched fist.) Fshoo!
HUGGINS:(Simultaneously with Grif.) Fshoo!
DONUT:Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, guys! You can’t talk to that thing--she’s working for the bad guys!
HUGGINS:I am not a bad guy!
GRIF:It’s Donut who’s playing for the other team.
DONUT:How dare you!
SISTER:(To Huggins.) I have two questions. Are you seeing anyone? Do you like girls?
HUGGINS:I go both ways! I’m a particle and a wave. (Giggles.) Physics joke.
TUCKER:What the fuck is going on? I was thinking about some important King shit and lost the thread.
GRIF:Yeah. Turns out Donut’s finger-quotes “God” is actually the new big bad. He gave us time machines so that we’d ruin history.
TUCKER:We haven’t ruined history.
SISTER:You declared war on France!
TUCKER:They had it coming! Those fancy fucks eat snails!
DONUT:To save the future, we must fix the past! (Looks around at the others.) That’s the mission God gave us.
SISTER:It is… vague, isn’t it?
TUCKER:Like, starve a cold, feed a fever? Save the future, fix the past!
HUGGINS:It was meant to be hazy, so you’d go and do whatever!
DONUT:Not true! Listen to me!
TUCKER:Why would we ever do that?
DONUT:How silly of me to think my friends would ever be on my side. Fine. Die! See if I care.
Donut opens a portal, and departs.
HUGGINS:Oh, I feel bad. I think it hurt his feelings.
GRIF:Eh.
The Orange Knight runs back in.
ORANGE KNIGHT:Lord… (Panting.) My lady. (Bows to Sister, who giggles.) The French are at the gate! They’re laying siege to Camelto!
GRIF:Ugh. We don’t have time for an action scene! Let’s just go.
ORANGE KNIGHT:Leave? ...Now?
TUCKER:I’m not going anywhere. Friends! Companions! Douche-knuckles! I may not be the best King, but I would never abandon my people in their time of need. Lancelot, mount my steed! I shall lead the charge myself!
LANCELOT:Right away, Sir!
GRIF:Did you really mean that?
TUCKER:Hell no, let’s bail.
Cut to Jax’s movie set. Wash is walking through one of the buildings by himself. A crew member runs up to him.
CREW:Ah, there you are! Follow me, please. You’re late for your big moment!
Wash follows the crew member silently to the set of the hangar where he was shot. A Pelican is visible in the background, as well as a constructed cave opening covered by a green screen. Wash sees someone in identical armor to his own, and walks over to him.
WASH:Uh.
WASH ACTOR:No need. I’m already rigged up. I prefer to do my own stunts.
WASH:Excuse me?
JAX:Clear the set! Places, everyone!
Wash moves off to the side.
WASH ACTOR:What’s my motivation here, Jax?
JAX:So you’re this dashing action hero guy who pulls the whole team together.
WASH ACTOR:Right.
JAX:You are awesome, charismatic, funny, brave, basically perfect.
WASH ACTOR:Uh huh.
JAX:And it all goes to shit when you’re shot in the neck a bunch. Action!
WASH ACTOR:(Is immediately “shot” and collapses dramatically to the floor.)
JAX:Cut! What is this, a freakin’ Disney movie? I said I wanted blood! Give me blood! Action!
The scene repeats, but this time with more blood. Wash is still watching.
JAX:What was that, a fuckin’ paper cut? Come on. Action!
The scene repeats with still more blood.
JAX:Action!
And again.
JAX:Action! (His voice echoes and becomes distorted.)
The camera zooms in on Wash’s helmet as he watches the scene repeat again and again.
JAX:Cut!
The silhouette of the actor being shot is framed in a close-up on Wash’s helmet. The actor falls with a truly absurd amount of blood, and an echo of Tucker calls, “Wash, get down!” The camera again zooms in on Wash, until he is startled out of it by Carolina.
CAROLINA:Wash. You okay?
WASH:Yeah, I’m--I’m--I’m fine. (Pause.) I’d be more fine if people gave me some space.
He walks off the set. Carolina watches him go.
CAROLINA:Damn it.
Cut to a blank white screen. A pink portal appears in the center, and Donut emerges.
DONUT:Aw… dang it!
O’MALLEY:Tsk, tsk. Language, Donut! Mwahaha!
DONUT:What are you doing here?
O’MALLEY:Same thing as you, my brother! I certainly wouldn’t keep Him waiting.
O’Malley nods toward an arched church door sitting in the otherwise featureless white. It slowly opens. Donut comes through on the other side of the door, onto a chunk of rock seemingly floating against a backdrop of pinkish-red cloud.
CHROVOS:Donut… come closer.
Another floating platform comes into view.
DONUT:Ah! Ah--actually, I’m really cool right here, like I-I kinda tweaked my ankle, and I can hear everything really well, so--
CHROVOS:Have faith.
DONUT:I’m, uh--
CHROVOS:Walk.
Donut takes his first step off the rock platform, and does not fall. He keeps going.
DONUT:Ah. Boy!
He crossed the long distance to the far platform, seemingly walking on air.
CHROVOS:I would never let any harm come to you, child.
The far platform appears to be a shiny black surface with a white grid drawn on it. On the far side of it is a complex arrangement of gleaming gold gears, all turning.
DONUT:You’re my father? Oh my. That makes me Fabulous Jesus!
CHROVOS:All are my children. Everything that exists.
DONUT:(Awestruck.) Everything…
CHROVOS:Everything.
DONUT:I got sick one time from a piece of old gum in eighth grade.
CHROVOS:I know what you’re getting at. And yes, I am that gum’s father.
DONUT:Amazing.
CHROVOS:Donut… something troubles you. It’s your friends.
DONUT:Yeah. They’re such jerks!
CHROVOS:Indeed. They are jerks. I’m sorry to say they will betray you, Donut.
DONUT:Betray me! No! They’re my friends.
CHROVOS:Name one nice thing they’ve done.
DONUT:Um… ah! I got sick once, and Grif made me a sandwich! ...Oh. But then he ate the sandwich in front of me.
CHROVOS:Donut, look at me. I would never eat your sandwich. Your friends have chosen the wrong side. But I am merciful. You may still save them.
DONUT:And then they’d all be nice to me?
CHROVOS:Donut, I will spare your friends. Return to them now. But when you do, there’s one thing--one thing you must do for me.


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 11: Sword Loser

Scene opens on the home of the Cosmic Powers, a towering palace seemingly floating on clouds against a blue-black expanse of stars and blue-green aurora.
HUGGINS:Okay, Huggins. Lord, I come with news of the Shisno. (More confidently.) Lord, I come with news of the Shisno. (Quietly.) Lord, I come with-- (Louder.) Dad, I--fuck! I come with news of the Shisno!
ATLUS:We are waiting.
HUGGINS:I’ve made progress, Lord Atlus!
ATLUS:Ah! You’ve smashed them to dust!
HUGGINS:I don’t have hands, my Lord.
ATLUS:Then why even bother standing before me?
HUGGINS:I can’t actually stand, Lord Atlus?
GOLFER:You too?! I can’t stand him either!
HUGGINS:I have spoken to the Shisno, Your Mightiness, and--
ATLUS:You what?
HUGGINS:We--uh, we had a chat?
ATLUS:A what?
HUGGINS:A chat? A chit-chat?
ATLUS:You spoke with the Shisno?
GOLFER:Oh, this is going to be good!
HUGGINS:I had no choice, Lord Atlus. We can’t harm them, and they--they don’t know what they’re doing! I-I thought we could reason with them--
MUGGINS:You speak to the Cosmic Powers, flashlight! These mortals are insects to be stepped on, not debated.
HUGGINS:You look like a flashlight too, but whatever. Please! Lords! Ladies! It is hard to swallow. The truth often is. To save ourselves, we must invite the mortals to parlay and convince them to stop. If I am mistaken, Lord Atlus, I welcome your punishment.
ATLUS:(Growls.) Ahh! I must think. (Rises and starts to leave.)
KALIRAMA:You better not go all turning into a swan.
ATLUS:(Waves hands.) Oh, you mean my one outlet! Why even be god of gods!
The scene turns to a night sky, panning to a bright moon. A bolt of blue energy strikes it.
ATLUS:(Hurling blue lightning at the moon.) Hahh! Zap! Shazam! Lightning bolt! Zanzibar! Boom-shaka-laka! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
KALIRAMA:(Approaching from behind.) So this is where you go.
Camera zooms out to a small structure seemingly floating in space, with a wide balcony on one side, where Atlus and Kalirama now stand.
ATLUS:I do not speak to mortals.
KALIRAMA:As Goddess of Death, nothing would please me more than to annihilate these Shisno. But as Goddess of War, I feel our best strategy is diplomacy.
ATLUS:Diplomacy! I could uproot a tree with one eyelid!
KALIRAMA:Which is impressive and utterly irrelevant, dear. It feels dirty, but we must… entertain these mortals.
ATLUS growls.
KALIRAMA:Also… Huggins has not gathered all of the mortals. We must convince these three to allow us an audience with the others.
ATLUS:Rahh!
Atlus fires a bolt straight from his forehead at the moon, shattering it on one side. Then he starts weeping.
KALIRAMA:Let it out. (Atlus continues blubbering.) There you go.
ATLUS:Fine. Invite the Shisno to parlay. I will awe them. Convince them! Appeal to their basest desires.
KALIRAMA:Yes… speaking of… I’m a little jealous of that moon right now.
ATLUS:Hm? Oh! Oh, really.
KALIRAMA:(Spreading her four arms.) Smite me?
ATLUS:Huggins? Huggins, I’ve changed my mind! We will meet in… ten? (Looks at Kali, who holds up all twenty fingers.) Twenty minutes!
Cut to Grif, Kaikaina, and Tucker on a sandy beach.
SISTER:Sooo… how was Italy?
GRIF:Doc betrayed me.
SISTER:Ooh… right.
GRIF:With his vegan gluten-free abomination!
SISTER:And then he stole your time gun?
GRIF:My what?
HUGGINS:(Appears.) Good news! They’re excited to meet you, and aren’t conflicted about it whatsoever!
TUCKER:What happened to the moon?
HUGGINS:Now, before they show up, I want to warn you all that the gods are super easy to offend. You guys need to have court etiquette, yeah?
SISTER:I’m a lady.
HUGGINS:You’re here to hear them out. So, let’s just everybody be cool.
GRIF:We’ll be on our best behavior.
HUGGINS:Okay. Good. (Nervous laughter.) We’re ready!
A blue hole opens in the sky, growing in size, and an enormous Atlus steps through, with a smaller Kalirama and another god at his side, and the Golfer bringing up the rear.
HUGGINS:My Lords and Ladies! I present to you the--
TUCKER:(Cutting off Huggins.) So, we finally meet! Again. This time, King to King.
HUGGINS:(Flitting around in agitation.) No no what are you doing?
TUCKER:I’m not digging the size differential, if I’m honest. Make me as big as you.
HUGGINS:Lord, I apologize--
ATLUS:Very well. You may share my stature, Shisno, here on this neutral ground.
TUCKER:(Quickly grows to Atlus’s size, his voice deepening.) Rad, I’m huge.
GRIF:Now me!
SISTER:I wanna be a fifty-foot womaaan!
ATLUS:No! There’s… no room.
Quick zoom out to show Tucker and Atlus taking up most of the island on which they all stand.
GRIF:I’d like to formally complain!
TUCKER:Fee-fi-fuck off, Grif!
SISTER:Hey! Why can’t you both shrink?
ATLUS:Never! I am Atlus!
KALIRAMA:Dear, it’s just for the meeting--
ATLUS:I do not shrink!
KALIRAMA:So when you turn into a swan, is that swan just ridiculously big?
ATLUS:That’s different, and also private. Fine.
Atlus and Tucker shrink down to normal size. Atlus overshoots slightly, shrinking smaller than his companions.
TUCKER:Lame.
ATLUS:(high-pitched) Let us discuss the matters at hand.
TUCKER:Did your… voice get smaller?
ATLUS:(Corrects his size and tone.) A generous compromise. The pantheon of the Gods desires an audience with the rest of the Shisno.
GRIF:Uh, in exchange for this, O mighty, uh, Atlus… we, we would, we would like to be granted… uh, wishes three!
TUCKER:Me first! I want an 80-foot do-ong!
SISTER:He does not speak for us! Three feet is enough for any woman.
ATLUS:Huggins… explain this.
HUGGINS:A thousand pardons, my Lord. I told them not to--
ATLUS:I mean explain what he’s saying. Does--does anyone know?
KALIRAMA:They think us genies. They’re asking to have wishes granted.
ATLUS:Oh. Straight to it. Very well. Then let us bargain! What do you desire? Three wishes? Is that… total?
TUCKER:Yeah! Total! Exactly three!
SISTER:Tucker, you idiot! We could’ve had three each.
TUCKER:Okay. I wish for an 80-foot dong three times!
ATLUS:You… realize what is on offer, surely? Immortality? Riches! The universe itself is yours to plunder!
TUCKER:Oh, fuck. Can I change my order?
ATLUS:Yes.
TUCKER:I want a 200-foot dooooong!
ATLUS:Okay, I’m sorry. What is that?
MUGGINS:His… penis.
ATLUS:Oh! A man after my own heart.
GRIF:I wish for an energy sword just like Tucker’s! But longer!
ATLUS:Ah, simpler. Done.
An energy sword appears in Grif’s hand.
TUCKER:What? No! I wish for him to not have a sword!
The sword vanishes from Grif’s hand.
GRIF:I-I wish for my sword back! That’s three, dickhead!
ATLUS:Three wishes. It is done.
Grif’s sword returns.
SISTER:Hey. I didn’t get a wish!
TUCKER:Don’t you get enough dong?
GOLFER:It’s funny because she’s a hussy.
ATLUS:In return for this boon, you will gather the other Shisno. We will discuss matters further, including any other… dong-related upgrades. And Huggins… good work.
HUGGINS:Oh, thank you, Lord Atlus!
GRIF:(Swinging his sword.) Cha! Ha-cha, ha! Don’t be a sword loser! Stab you very much!
A portal opens, and the three of them find themselves back in the valley where Tucker and Kaikaina met the Cyclops.
TUCKER:This is some bullshit.
SISTER:You’re telling me. (Under her breath.) Dick.
GRIF:(In the background.) Have a knife day! Dagger nice day! Stab a slice day! I can do this forever!
TUCKER:What did I do?
SISTER:Tell you what. Take a few hours to think about it.
SISTER OPENS A PORTAL AND DISAPPEARS. GRIF:(In the background, still swinging the sword.) Don’t be blade for school! Shanks a lot! You like my screen saber?
Kaikaina reappears. It’s now sunset in the canyon.
SISTER:So… did you think?
TUCKER:Oh, I sure did. You know, it’s nice to just think for the hell of it. I’m feeling real... mindful.
SISTER:That’s not what I meant!
TUCKER:So first I thought, hey, I’m hungry for cookies! I ate a cookie with some earbuds in, and it sounded like being inside a snow boot, it was cool.
SISTER:Tucker--
TUCKER:Then, I thought, hey, it’s real fucked up we haven’t shared the tech behind unlimited salad bars with developing countries. Then I wondered if sloths have a mating yawn.
SISTER:Ugh, whatever! Forget it. (Turns to look at the setting sun.) After today… the gang will be whole again. No more Sis and Tuck’s Excellent Adventure. No more… us.
TUCKER:Good.
SISTER:I guess.
TUCKER:What was the point?
SISTER:(Laughs.) Beats me.
TUCKER:You know, you must really hate me.
SISTER:Tucker, you idiot, I don’t hate you. TUCKER: Are you sure? You’ve managed to sleep around constantly, and still be… like…
SISTER:Be what?
TUCKER:Still be like… not sleeping around.
SISTER:I don’t follow.
TUCKER:J-just like…
SISTER:What?
TUCKER:You’ve just kinda…
SISTER:Tucker, spit it out!
TUCKER:You’ve just been kinda… frigid, I don’t know.
SISTER:What? Seriously?
TUCKER:I take it back?
SISTER:You know, I was just gonna be quietly disappointed in you, Tucker. But fuck you. You half a person.
TUCKER:Name-calling.
SISTER:You really showed your colors today, dude. You were the fucking King of England, but that wasn’t enough. You wanted your best friends to kneel, too.
TUCKER:And they wouldn’t! That counts for something.
SISTER:You crushed multiple lifelong fantasies of mine with multiple horses. You stopped me from having literal magic wishes.
TUCKER:That wish thing was mostly Grif.
SISTER:I’m not frigid at all. I just won’t do you! And it hurts your big gross ego. Do you realize how narcissistic you are? I mean, do you even know?
TUCKER:Please, tell me.
SISTER:Take a look at your whole sex-obsessed thing, shall we? You’re all about fillin’ holes, right? Bow chicka bow wow.
TUCKER:Damn straight.
SISTER:The big hole in your confidence, huh? And you throw women at it to plug it up. Never touch the sides, do they?
TUCKER:Hey.
SISTER:You think you’re a sexual person? Dude, fuck off. I am a sexual person. I love to feel. I’ve fucked in the eye of a tornado. One time, I jilled it ‘til I got a friction scar. I kissed a girl at New Year’s so hard, she was wearing my heart-shaped glasses afterwards. I love it. You… only love you. And like an idiot, I actually… saw something in you. Something more than physical. I thought. I hoped, maybe, you might realize that if you had a few hours to reflect. But big surprise. A reflection only made you love yourself more.
(Kaikaina storms off, leaving Tucker standing alone.)
GRIF:Hoo, damn. That must’ve really… (Draws his sword.) cut you to the bone! Zow! Sword sword sword!


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 12: Docudrama

The episode opens with romantic instrumental music over a sunset, followed by an establishing shot of an island with a long sandy beach. The camera pans in to Carolina standing on the beach, panning in to reveal Wash standing near her, close behind. Wash walks up to Carolina.
WASH ACTOR:(In a seductive whisper, reaching up to touch her helmet.) Take off your suit.
CAROLINA ACTOR:(Swoons into Wash’s arms.) Ahh!
The camera pans over a wooden floor littered with pieces of armor, as well as several colorful pool noodles. Exaggerated kissing noises can be heard.
WASH ACTOR:Ah, I wanna be in you like an AI.
The real Wash and Carolina are revealed to be standing off at the edge of the set. Two sets of bare feet can be seen in the foreground.
WASH:Jesus. Dare I even ask?
CAROLINA:Jax… wanted more sex appeal in the movie.
SISTER:(Running up behind them.) Oh, shit yeah! Lemme get in on this!
JAX:And cut! Another amazing take! Did you get that?
CAMERAMAN:Yeah.
JAX:Moving on!
GEORGE:Friends and fellow citizens! That is a wrap on the Carwash lovemaking vignette! A Unit is shooting Grimmons next. B Unit proceeds straight to the highway chase.
SISTER:Dang it!
CAROLINA:Hey, Kaikaina. When did you get here?
SISTER:Just showed up with Tucker and Grif. Come on!
Kaikaina, Wash, and Carolina approach Tucker on the beach.
WASH:Hey.
TUCKER:Hey!
SIMMONS:No way!
GRIF:Yeah, dude!
SIMMONS:No wa-hay!
GRIF:Yeah, buddy. I’m gonna need your help coming up with some more sword puns. Mine are getting a bit… dull!
SIMMONS:I hope I can cut it!
JAX:Heh-hey-hey, the great reunion! Minnie, you’re on white, Greg, you’re on tight-50, you miss a fucking word and you swim home!
SARGE:Ho-ho! What’s this now?
JAX:It’s the documentary crew, here to film my meteoric rise to superstardom! Movies within movies! We’re getting meta!
GRIF:Right. So.
A Donut Hole opens in the midst of the group, and Donut emerges.
DONUT:Aw! You guys are doing a beach episode without me?
GRIF:What do you want, Donut? If you’re here to try and stop us--
DONUT:Not at all! I’m here to help. Everyone, there’s something I need to get off my chest!
GRIF:Save it!
DONUT:No, guys! I’m super duper sorry! This whole sticky mess--it’s on me! All over me! I’ve screwed each and every one of you deep, with no protection! And now, I’ve come to help pull out, before we’re all truly boned! From now on, nothing comes before my friends. They come first, and they come second. They come third, they come fourth--
As Donut speaks, the camera moves a bit unsteadily, like it’s being held freehand. Occasionally, it goes in and out of focus.
GRIF:We get it!
DONUT:So, Grif. What’s that plan of yours?
GRIF:Me and Tucker and Sister have been talking to some folks, and these folks have been saying that all of our time traveling is bad, and they want to meet about it and convince us to stop.
CAROLINA:Who are these… people you’re talking to?
GRIF:Not people…
WASH:Aliens?
GRIF:Let’s call them aliens.
TUCKER:They’re gods!
CAROLINA:What?
WASH:We leave you alone for five minutes and you piss off God?
SISTER:Gods. There’s a shit-ton of ‘em.
GRIF:It doesn’t matter what they are, okay? Or how many. They want to tell us what’s actually going on, and I think we should hear ‘em out.
SISTER IS FRAMED IN AN INTERVIEW-STYLE SHOT, LABELED:Kaikaina Grif, CEO, Blood by Blood Gulch Music Festival.
SISTER:So, first we meet Grif, and Grif sets up a meeting with the gods. Then at that meeting, we set up this meeting, which is all about setting up another meeting. Fuck everything about this. I’m supposed to be on vacation.
Cut to a different shot, zoomed in on Kaikaina, unfocused.
SISTER:Great. Everyone knows what’s going on now. Can we go?
SARGE:Absolutely not. Tell the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost to shove it! Red Team will not forfeit tactical superiority over the past!
CUT TO SARGE STANDING NEXT TO A WINDOW, THE OFFICE STYLE. LABELLED:Sarge, Super Colonel, Red Team.
SARGE:God can take my magic gun--damn it, take two! God can take my magic gun when he pries it from my cold dead fingers!
GRIF ON THE BEACH WITH THE CABIN IN THE BACKGROUND. LABELLED:Dexter Grif, Pizza Lover.
GRIF:I had a feeling Sarge was gonna be a stick-in-the-mud. Time for a new tactic: lying.
Another shot, Grif talking to Sarge on the beach.
GRIF:No one’s asking you to give up your time machine, Sarge, okay? Of course you can keep it. THey just want to chat.
CAROLINA:These… beings you’re talking about. You really trust them?
GRIF:I trust one of them. Huggins saved my life! And she vouches for the rest.
SISTER:Fun fact! Huggins is a sentient lens flare.
WASH:This is finally making sense.
TUCKER:Anywho, they can’t hurt us. We all have some kinda shield against their magic.
CAROLINA:Why?
SISTER:‘Cause! We’re unwilling agents of some all-powerful time god. WASH: Last time I was an agent, at least I got dental.
GRIF:God can’t kill you. That’s full coverage.
CAROLINA:What if they found a way around this shield?
WASH IN AN INTERVIEW SHOT, LABELLED:Agent Washington, BAMF.
WASH:Honestly, this is the best I’ve felt in ages. Hanging out with the guys again, in way over our heads… it’s what I was made for.
CAROLINA:What if this is some sort of trap? Get us all together in one place…?
SISTER:I don’t think it’s a trap.
CAROLINA:But how do you know?
SISTER:I got a sixth sense for when someone’s lying to get in my pants. And they ain’t settin’ it off!
JAX:So, Grif. These god-beings are saying that time travel is bad.
TUCKER:Yeah. It does damage to the timelines, or whatever.
JAX:Yeah. Bad for the timelines, but not bad for us.
CAROLINA:What are you saying?
JAX:Ahaha. I’m just trying to figure out if time travel is some sort of monkey’s paw that’s always gonna blow up in our faces!
GRIF:Huggins said so.
JAX:But can we prove that’s true? I say we test the idea.
GRIF:Don’t you have better things to do? Don’t we have better things to do?
CAROLINA:If we’re going to meet these… gods, the more intelligence we have, the better.
JAX:I propose that I create a unified timeline of all your time travels. We look at that big picture, and we will learn the truth.
KOHAN IN AN INTERVIEW SHOT, LABELLED:Kohan Wooter, Producer, Red vs Blue: The Movie Film.
KOHAN:Jax is so smart--
Rapid cut to a close-up on Jax.
JAX:So all we need are interviews! With everybody. It’ll take no time. We’ll squeeze it in right before we shoot the giant mech sequence.
SARGE:Screen time, you say? Count me in!
CABOOSE:(Sighs.) I’ll go get my resume.
INTERVIEW SHOT OF SIMMONS, LABELLED:Dick Simmons, Assistant (to the) Red Team Manager
SIMMONS:So of course, Sarge decided he was going to use to the time machine to fix it--
GRIF:But that didn’t work.
SISTER:Next thing I know, I got JFK brains on my visor.
JAX:Interesting.
Jax scribbles furiously on a whiteboard.
INTERVIEW SHOT OF CABOOSE, LABELLED:Michael J. Caboose, Your Best Friend.
CABOOSE:Yes, thank you for having me. The greatest obstacles and challenges for me to overcome are definitely babies, gravity, taxes, and Chinese finger traps.
GRIF:Then I had to convince Caesar to invent pizza. You know, since he’s a foodie with that salad and all. Didn’t go great, though. Knives were exchanged, and--
Jax is still drawing.
DONUT:On the one hand, Chrovos saved my life. And he’s treated me with more respect than the Reds and Blues ever have! But on the other hand, the Reds and Blues are… well… hmm. They are… huh. I actually think the other hand is... empty.
CABOOSE:(Struggling to free his hands from a Chinese finger trap.) Yes… where do I see myself in ten years. Yes. Well, I definitely would not be stuck in any kind of eastern appendage experiments! Hnnh.
The Reds and Blues are now all gathered around the whiteboard, which is covered with a green cloth. The Blues (except for Sister) are lined up on the left, the Reds and Sister on the right.
JAX:All right, here’s what I got, everyone--the final verdict. Time travel has backfired every time that it was used to fix a personal mistake: to repair pride (Camera turns to Sarge), embarrassment (then Tucker), the loss of something valuable (then Caboose). However, that doesn’t mean that time travel is a monkey’s paw, some thing that will always backfire! Case in point: I’ve been using Sarge’s time machine for weeks with no negative consequences!
SARGE:Uh, what?
JAX:Time travel isn’t good or bad! Now, in terms of our unified timeline… (Pulls the cloth off the whiteboard.)
TUCKER:Hah! Perfect.
SISTER:Oh, yeah! Woo-hoo!
JAX:What?
SIMMONS:You’ve drawn a dick, dude!
Jax’s diagram does indeed appear to be a dick, complete with balls.
TUCKER:Mine’s bigger.
JAX:No! It’s-it’s a science!
SARGE:Your science looks like a one-eyed trouser snake.
GRIF:Great. Now that we’ve gotten all that out, it’s time we stop spinning our wheels. I for one vote we go meet with the gods and talk this through.
SIMMONS:If Grif thinks it’s a good idea, I’m in. ...Euh, can’t believe I just said that without sarcasm.
CABOOSE:Yeah, I’m waiting to hear back about a job, but uh, yeah okay.
WASH:I still have questions. Mainly, what does any of this have to do with finding Church? There’s a confused pause.
TUCKER:What?
WASH:His distress call. The “Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi” message? That’s the whole reason we’re here. What do gods have to do with Church?
SIMMONS:That was a different thing.
CAROLINA:He’s kidding! Right Wash? Just... pointing out how absurd this is?
WASH:Right.
Four Donut Holes open on the beach, and the Reds and Blues run through.
JAX:Now, as for me, I’ve been using the time machine to recast all the major roles of the Red vs. Blue movie.
Cut to a shot of Sarge near a sandbag wall in a heavily-gray-filtered gulch.
SARGE ACTOR:Well pal I hope you brought your wallet. Because rent in hell gets paid in advance!
TUCKER ACTOR:What’d I tell ya. I get no respect.
CABOOSE ACTOR:It’s bullshit. I did not hit her! I did not! Oh, hi Grif.
GRIF ACTOR:For the last time, I’m not Grif, man. I’m the Dude!
TUCKER ACTOR:Bow chicka wow bow. One more time! Bow chicka bow bow! What is it? What’s the line? Feed it to me. Back to Jax on the beach.
JAX:Brilliant! And unlike everyone else, it hasn’t backfired one iota--
KOHAN:Hey Jax! (Comes running out from the cabin.) I just got off the phone with the studio! They took a look at the new casting, and they killed the funding! We’re done! I’m free!
JAX:Eh, whatever! If they’ve cut the funding, we’ll just raise the money ourselves! I happen to know some people with a time machine--oh fuck! (Runs off.)
Cut to the Reds and Blues exiting the portals and entering the dwelling of the gods.
ATLUS:It has been many eons since mortals were allowed audience here, in Starseat, the seat of the Cosmic Powers. I, King Atlus Arcadium Rex--.
JAX:(poking his head through one of the portals) Hey guys! Can I borrow your time machine? Ooh, nice water fixtures.
Atlus growls and hurls his gravity hammer straight into Jax, knocking him back through the portal.
JAX:Oww!
The Reds and Blues raise their weapons.
CAROLINA:Contact!
WASH:Take cover!
KALIRAMA:Everyone, calm down! (Turns to Atlus.) Temper, honey. I think they knew him.
ATLUS:That mortal idiot interrupted me! (Grudgingly.) I’m sorry I smited your mortal idiot friend.
GRIF:Meh. No harm, no foul.
ATLUS:Ehhh. That was my primary weapon. (The other gods turn to look at him.) Don’t--don’t look at it.
CAROLINA:This is God?
KALIRAMA:Yes. Atlus is the King of the Cosmic Powers. I am Kalirama, his Queen.
SARGE:You’re married?!
TUCKER:Whoa, wait a second. Didn’t you call her your sister earlier?
ATLUS:Yes.
TUCKER:So which is it? Sister or wife?
ATLUS:Yes!
TUCKER:Gross!
WASH:This is some Game of Thrones shit.
GENKINS:I’m Genkins, with a G! I love posting spoilers on YouTube! At the end of the next one, the pink guy steals the hammer!
BURNSTORM:I am Burnstorm, Master Builder of the Gods!
SISTER:Hah, what?
TUCKER:I’m King Tucker, breaker of headboards!
SIMMONS:I’m Simmons, Wizard of Science!
CABOOSE:And I am Simmons--uh, I’m not Simmons!
SARGE:I am Sarge, Lord of the Twin Flag!
DONUT:And I’m--uh, come back to me.
SISTER:I’m Kaikaina, and I like to party!
GRIF:(rapping) Awww, Dexter Grif! He Who Must Not Be Messed With!
HUGGINS:Yes, boy!
GRIF:Sup, Huggs!
LOPEZ:Me llamo Lopez. 
CAPTION:My name is Lopez.
CAROLINA:I’m Carolina and this is Wash. Now, to matters at hand--
WASH:Spoilsport. I had a good one percolating!
CAROLINA:How about you start at the beginning?
ATLUS:The beginning? Ha ha ha! Very well. The very beginning...


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 13: A Time for Hammers

The episode begins with a black screen, small ball of light can be seen in the distance
ATLUS:Without time, there is no beginning. So there was nothing before "the word"
The Reds and Blues can all be heard groaning
Scene cuts back to starseeds with the Cosmic Powers and Reds and Blues facing each other.
ATLUS:What?
SISTER:"In the beginning was the word?" If you bring out a guitar, I'm done.
ATLUS:The word became complicated, expanded, unfolded and birthed the first of the primal forces of our father, Chrovos. He who could control time
GRIF:(Groan) Do we really need all of this?
ATLUS:Chrovos set himself on a great undertaking, a project of galactic proportions. He created the Cosmic Powers and enslaved us to do his bidding.
SIMMONS:What project could possibly be so big?
ATLUS:Some things are beyond even our infinite wisdom. We only know our small part in the grand design.
CAROLINA:So, Where are the titans now?
ATLUS:We rebelled against our masters, many were lost but the titans were deposed. Killed, banished or imprisoned.
BURNSTORM:I constructed a labyrinth inside this black hole. At its core sits a prison: a treadmil.
GENKINS:I convinced Chrovos to give it a spin, he got stuck!
GRIF:Whoa Whoa, he's walking forwards forever, but in one spot?
ATLUS:Exactly
GRIF:Alright Satan
SARGE:Alright let me get this straight, you dirty so-and-so's are responsible for upsetting the balance of power in the entire universe?
ATLUS:Yes but Chrovos was....
SARGE:(Interrupting Atlus) I'm not talking about that! Why's Grif got a sword?
GRIF:Because I'm so (Activates sword) cleaver!
SARGE:Give me one
KALIRAMA:(Audibly annoyed) Here we go again.
ATLUS:(sighs) Who else wants one?
All the Reds and Blues except Tucker, Grif, Caboose and Carolina can all be heard chanting. Washington, Sister, Sarge, Simmons, Lopez and Donut are all granted swords resembling Grif's except for Donut who's sword is dark green.
LOPEZ:Glacis (Thank You)
CAROLINA:I'm actually proud of you Caboose
CABOOSE:(Looks at Genkins who is carrying his Golf Club) I want that Golf Club
GENKINS:(Panicked) No! No! No!
ATLUS:Fine
Caboose is given Genkins Golf Club
CABOOSE:Glad to join the ball game
SISTER:Club, Caboose. You should've said club.
CABOOSE:I prefer BLT but any of those are good, you know sandwiches
WASHINGTON:Can I make a request? (Steps forward towards Atlus) I'm putting a brave face on but I have a suicide headache, can you fix that?
ATLUS:We can summon up some advil? Something stronger?
WASHINGTON:Or... some of that god magic?
ATLUS:Ok ok. (Groans) We were created in part to alter the minds of younger races but never directly. Our powers can only be used on the outside, as external forces. It is a limitation brought upon us by our maker and one of the many reasons we saw fit to end his reign.
WASHINGTON:In that case, Advil is fine.
ATLUS:(Clears throat) Anywho...
SIMMONS:No wait! That's it. I finally know what you are
ATLUS:Ok, but I already said "anywho."
SIMMONS:All this time I've been hung up on Religion, on Aliens, but you "Gods," you are actually something else
KALIRAMA:We are what we say we are.
SIMMONS:Chrovos created you to help him, he programmed you to pose as gods to manipulate younger races. It's theatrics, your appearance, some sort of subjected holo-projected matrix
ATLUS:(Audibly flustered) Whoa, de-definitely not! you are, like, way off there.
SIMMONS:This firewall against Chrovos, a safety he built to keep his Ai's in check.
WASHINGTON:These are Ai's?
KALIRAMA:Huggins, Muggins. Leave.
Huggins and Muggins can be heard flying away
KALIRAMA:They have earned it.
ATLUS:Very well
KALIRAMA:We have no choice but to trust you with this secret.
The camera does a sweeping shot behind Sister, as it passes her back it blocks the view of the Cosmic Powers. When the camera passes and the Cosmic Powers are visible again, their appearance is different and is now the form of Monitors, Each Identical except in eye colour. Atlus eye is yellow, Kalirama's is purple, Genkins is Green, Burnstorm is Orange. The camera continues to sweep across the Monitor form of the Cosmic Powers as they continue speaking.
ATLUS:No mystery, no magic. Just a mathematical palindrome filled with radiation and sadness.
As the camera continues to sweep, it passes Tucker's back once again blocking the view of the Cosmic Powers. When they are visible again, they have all reverted back to their previous appearance. Once they are all back into view, the camera reverts back to the usual shot-reverse shot angles for the continuing conversation.
GENKINS:Hey Kids, I'm a computer!
ATLUS:Now that you know the truth, may we proceed?
SIMMONS:Oh, of course
GRIF:Nice work buddy
SIMMONS:Science is good for something after all!
ATLUS:In the present, Chrovos is weak but not powerless. Through dreams and inspiration he influenced a human to build a machine, a time machine. This leak in time for a moment made him powerful enough to grasp at one of you.
DONUT:Me. But, but that was an accident.
ATLUS:There are no accidents when it comes to Chrovos. He chose you.
GRIF:(Glancing at Donut) I'm going to guess its because you're so gullible
TUCKER:Or stupid
SARGE:Basically an empty suit of armour with a half-decent throwing arm.
ATLUS:He sucks the dumb pink monkey back in time to an era where he is most powerful and returned you with more machines.
TUCKER:Where we done fucked it all up.
ATLUS:Yes
CAROLINA:What can we do to repair time?
KALIRAMA:It's too late. The damage is done.
ATLUS:You have already done his bidding.
CABOOSE:I prefer to buy it now
GRIF:We've been fucking time itself
TUCKER:And tick goes the bucket list
GRIF:Dude, do you ever stop? We've been pulling out the building blocks of time one by one, now it could topple over. Do you know what that means?
SARGE:Time is Jenga.
BURNSTORM:There is hope still. I, Burnstorm, master builder of the gods...
SIMMONS:Uh, AI
BURNSTORM (Whispering) of AI, ok. (Normal voice) ...bound Chrovos once. We can not trick him twice. But we can help you. You unwilling agents of Chrovos can affect him directly, and we are at your mercy.
KALIRAMA:Naturally, you have a choice, and we will not lie to you. The Path ahead is dangerous. To stop Chrovos you must travel to his Labyrinth, you must fight the beasts who guard him, defeat the ghosts of history and demons of his underworld. Few have made the Journey, none have survived.
WASHINGTON:(somewhat sarcastically) When you put it like that, how could we say no?
KALIRAMA:When you complete the impossible journey, you will meet Chrovos. You need only use this.
A Hammer resembling that of a Gravity Hammer appears in the centre of the room and floats their. It has a orange head and what staff
KALIRAMA:Burnstorm constructed the prison that holds Chrovos and from that same material forged...
BURNSTORM:The Hammer
SARGE:Aw, "The Hammer?"
BURNSTORM:The Hammer, yes.
SARGE:But not like "The Grand Hammer of power kabomness?"
SIMMONS:Plus five enchanted hammer of binding?
TUCKER:Ass-Tapper?
WASHINGTON:Sister Sledge? James Blunt?
LOPEZ: Sinaloa Lie Detector
CAPTION:In Spanish
DONUT:Hammer barbaria
WASHINGTON:Slam Rockwell.
BURNSTORM:Stop.
SISTER:The butt cracker.
CABOOSE:Mister smashyface. Mister smashyfaces friend, Whackman. Miss Whackman.
ATLUS:Valleymaker!
BURNSTORM:No!
ATLUS:Thunderclap. This is fun.
BURNSTORM:No! Its called The Hammer. The most important hammer that has ever existed, it's definitive. The Hammer!
REDS AND BLUES AND ATLUS:Oh
ATLUS:You should call it that.
KALIRAMA:By striking Chrovos' prison with the hammer, you reinforce his binding, energising them, topping up their mystic power. Counter-intuitive but that's magic for you.
ATLUS:We will leave you alone with The Hammer as you make your decision, and before you go.
All the Reds and Blues swords, except for Tucker and Grif's, as well as Caboose's Club, disappear. Everyone who lost their sword groans.
ATLUS:You can have your toys back after you save the universe. (At Caboose) You can keep yours because it's funny.
The Reds and Blues are then warped to a private room on starseeds. They all yell in shock. Simmons vomits inside his helmet.
SIMMONS:Oh God, its in my helmet!
SISTER:I guess this is to give us some privacy?
CAROLINA:SO, what do we think?
SARGE:(Laughing) I agree! Powerful name.
CAROLINA:The fight?
SIMMONS:Can't we just go back and stop ourselves from time travelling in the first place?
CAROLINA:Didn't Jax say that's a paradox?
TUCKER:Can we go back and stop Jax from saying that?
WASHINGTON:You're in denial. Guys, the Reds and Blues did their best.
SARGE:Reds especially.
WASHINGTON:And its only by doing our best, our absolute best and failing that we can ever truly know exactly how much we suck.
SARGE:uh...
WASHINGTON:You messed up, We all have regrets. Lost friends we'd like to have around...
Caboose's head is seen dropping down
WASHINGTON:...Things we'd take back...
Tucker is seen glancing at Sister
WASHINGTON:...But these time guns can't fix us. You use them to relieve guilt, right wrongs, to avoid responsibility. But the past is done. Do better now, be better now. Now is the only time that's every mattered. Ask yourself, do I make bad decisions?
Carolina's head turns away from wash and drops down slightly
WASHINGTON:How can I do better?
Camera pans to Sarge
WASHINGTON:Who do I want to be?
Camera pans to Grif
TUCKER:Wash, it's selfish not to time travel. Are you saying you wouldn't go back and stop yourself from hurting people?
WASHINGTON:Mistakes are the dirt we grow from Tucker. In the end, you can't argue with cause and effect. You made a mess, you need to clean it up.
GRIF:Yeah, that's the right thing to do.
SARGE:Well hell, the whole reason I joined the military was to win a battle against god himself
SIMMONS:Yeah!
CABOOSE:Let's take a swing at it!
GRIF:He did it, good form!
WASHINGTON:And you're not alone, this ain't my mess but I'm in to help fix it. No matter where it takes us, you can count on me to fight alongside you.
CAROLINA:No... You're not coming. Everything you just said... I should've told you Wash, I can't believe I let it get this far I-
WASHINGTON:Whoa, slow down. It's alright
CAROLINA:It's not. It's really, really not. You can't come, you can't fight.
WASHINGTON:Carolina, it's me you're talking to.
CAROLINA:Stop being so fucking nice! You're sitting this one out Wash. I mean it. You're on the DL.
WASHINGTON:(Yelling) I'm not disabled!
CAROLINA:You are! You were really hurt.
WASHINGTON:Yeah...
CAROLINA:Really hurt. More then I told you. Your gaps in memory they're... I mean... the frustration you've been feeling. Wash, I've had to watch you struggle with it. I should've said-
WASHINGTON:(somewhat harshly) Carolina, spit it out.
CAROLINA:(Sighs) Your injury caused what is known as Cerebral Hypoxia. We don't know the extent of the damage but when you were shot in the neck, your brain was starved of oxygen.
WASHINGTON:For how long?
CAROLINA:A while.
WASHINGTON:How long?
CAROLINA:Several minutes. your brain went several minutes without oxygen.
(When) Your Middle Name is Danger can be heard playing in the background. Washington turns to the Sim Troopers
WASHINGTON:(Yelling) And did you all know?!
SIMMONS:(Sadly) No.
WASHINGTON:(Yelling) Did you?!
TUCKER:(Sadly) No!
WASHINGTON:(Yelling) Was I the only one who didn't know I had fucking brain damage?!
GRIF:Dude, we had no idea.
CAROLINA:I kept it from everyone, Wash.
WASHINGTON:(Yelling) Including Me!
CAROLINA:...Yeah...
WASHINGTON:How could you keep that from me?
CAROLINA:I Just... Look I... I didn't want to...
Washington walks away from the group
CAROLINA:...Upset you...
SARGE:(Sadly) Wash...
CABOOSE:(Sadly) My brain is fuzzy... and I do good...
A Portal can be heard opening. The Reds and Blues turn around and see Donut standing in front of a Time Portal with The Hammer
TUCKER:Donut?
SISTER:What are you doing?
DONUT:Gullible... Stupid... An empty suit of armour? Thanks for making this easier guys.
Donut walks through the portal and it disappears. The camera cuts to a wide shot of the remaining Reds and Blues in the area.
SISTER:Y'all need therapy.


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 14: Lights Out

Scene opens on a shot of the Gods’ home floating in space. Zooming in, Tucker appears standing alone on a balcony, leaning on the railing. Kaikaina walks up behind him.
SISTER:Having some quiet, huh?
TUCKER:Yeah. I found a weird door.
SISTER:You left it open.
TUCKER:That figures. I am pretty thoughtless.
SISTER:If that’s how it’s gonna be, man.
TUCKER:Wait. (Turns around.) K, you… I mean… I need to apologize. What I called you was awful. I wanted to cram the words right back into my mouth.
SISTER:(Sighs.) I know you did. (Walks up next to Tucker.) I was… chubby. I mean, I still am but… back when I was a teenager, I didn’t love it. In high school, everyone was screwin’ each other, and I wasn’t ready, and it’s like, you say “frigid,” suddenly I’m in short pants at Wailuku High, hearing it again for the first time.
TUCKER:I’m sorry.
SISTER:Yeah, I know… ya dummy.
TUCKER:Man. I just… I had this feeling! And it kept growing! And it was so hard—
SISTER:(Snickers.) Bow chicka bow wow.
TUCKER:Chuh.
SISTER:I’m sorry too. I kinda ate your heart. Looks like we both blurt out dumb things when we feel small.
TUCKER:K, I like you.
SISTER:Just like that…
TUCKER:I really like you. And maybe I went about expressing it the wrong way.
SISTER:Maybe?!
TUCKER:But… I still like you! Regardless!
SISTER:I’m not great with feelings, Tucker. ...But yeah. I think I had feelings for you, too.
TUCKER:Had?
SISTER:Yeah, you kinda snuffed ‘em out.
TUCKER:Yeah. Par for the course. Everything I touch, I—I fuck! I fucked you. I fucked England. I fucked Washington.
SISTER:Hell yeah.
TUCKER:I’m being serious here. You don’t understand. I’m responsible for his injury. My friend, my mentor! I did this to him!
SISTER:Come on.
TUCKER:You weren’t there. I rushed in like an idiot, and I got him shot.
SISTER:Oh, were you supposed to babysit the elite killing machine?
TUCKER:He was looking right at me when it happened! Oh god, K, he was looking right at me!
SISTER:And what are you gonna do, huh?
TUCKER:I don’t know.
SISTER:I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do, Mister Pity Party. One of two things. You ready? You will either A: do nothing, or B: try and save Wash and risk freeing an all-powerful time god. Not much of a choice, is it?
TUCKER:Yep. Okay. Loud and clear.
Cut to Tucker back inside.
TUCKER:We need to go back and save Wash.
SISTER:Is brain damage contagious?
TUCKER:Donut has the Hammer! It’s out of the game.
CABOOSE:I miss you, Ms. Whack-Man.
TUCKER:We have Chrovos’s time guns. And that’s something.
GRIF:(Sarcastically.) I feel like… we already had this conversation.
TUCKER:Guys—
GRIF:(Sarcastic gasp.) Is that the time travel? Deja-vu?
TUCKER:Guys, listen. We don’t have to change much. Just a few details.
SISTER:So we ignore the gods.
TUCKER:They’re not gods! Just AI.
SIMMONS:All time travel’s bad to them. They’re programmed against it.
TUCKER:They said that time travel is Jenga. And I’m taking about swapping out one more piece. The most important piece. Delicately.
SARGE:Time travel isn’t Jenga! It’s more like… Operation. With a side of Yahtzee. Bingo!
TUCKER:The alternative is to do nothing.
SISTER:That’s my line.
TUCKER:And we’re better than that.
CAROLINA:We’ll do it. (Walks up to the group.) If we need justification, we have plenty. Let’s start with the past. Your misadventures in history have echoed through the ages. You’ve caused wars, disasters, abducted historical figures. Compared to all that, what’s rescuing one man from one bullet? Let’s also think about what Jax said. He used the time machine for months without issues. But let’s not stop there! Let’s think about the future. If Loco can invent a time machine, then someone else will come along and do the same thing. Retreating from this battle is not a victory. All of these reasons have been running through my head on a loop. But you know what? They’re meaningless. David’s hurt. We have to go.
SISTER:I get it.
SARGE:Well, when you put it like that… yes sir. Sounds like a plan.
SIMMONS:Actually, sir, Tucker is the one with the plan.
SARGE:Well, now I hate it!
CAROLINA:Tucker, I know you well enough to guess your plan.
TUCKER:That’s insulting and sweet all at once. Before we start, we need to be unified in this. Of one mind. You’ve been awful quiet, Grif.
GRIF:Carolina’s right. We have to. He’d go for us in a heartbeat.
HUGGINS:(Zipping out from behind the fountain.) How could you?! Nothing I said got through to you?
TUCKER:Spying much?
HUGGINS:(Indignant.) Well, the gods don’t trust you yet. I can’t imagine why!
GRIF:I’m sorry, Huggs. He’s my friend. You wouldn’t understand.
HUGGINS:I understand perfectly well. You Shisno! You’re going to ruin everything!
GRIF:We’re not. We’re going to fix it.
HUGGINS:You know I have to tell Atlus now. You know he’s going to bring down this entire castle when he finds out!
GRIF:I know. I’m sorry.
HUGGINS:I never should’ve helped you! I’m so frickin’ stupid. (Flies away.)
CAROLINA:We should go. Before she reports what we’re doing.
GRIF:(Staring off past the fountain, sadly.) Bye.
Huggins zips through the hallway alone.
HUGGINS:Jerks! God dang shisno!
GENKINS:Huggins! Stop! Now what on Starseat is so important that you’re blazing through here like that?
HUGGINS:I have to tell Atlus! The Reds and Blues are going back in time again. It’s urgent!
GENKINS:Well now, that is news.
A pause.
HUGGINS:(Impatiently.) So? Can I go?
GENKINS:Nooot quite, heh heh. After all, you must be punished.
HUGGINS:Punished? For wh-
GENKINS:(Draws a large rifle that glows with white light and shoots a brilliant beam into the air, forming what appears to be a black hole.)
HUGGINS:What? Aaagh—no! Nooooooooooooooo!
The black hole swallows Huggins, and she disappears.
GENKINS:(Smugly.) No running the halls! Remember?
Genkins comes before Atlus and the rest of the gods.
ATLUS:Greetings, my son!
KALIRAMA:We just saw him ten minutes ago. You don’t need to say “greetings” every time.
ATLUS:It sounds cool. Back me up, Burnstorm.
BURNSTORM:Yeah, super cool. Genkins, where’ve you been?
GENKINS:Aaaaa stroll? Sweet of you to worry! I was only gone for a… flash. (Chuckles.)
ATLUS:Burnstorm, how go preparations?
BURNSTORM:Nearly finished. The weapons and armor you requested will be ready by the time the Reds and Blues agree to their mission.
MUGGINS:(Offscreen.) I’m afraid they won’t be coming. (Now visible coming up behind Genkins.) My lords and ladies, I bear grave news. The Reds and Blues are gone, and Huggins is dead.
ATLUS:What happened?!
MUGGINS:I felt her spark leave this plane of existence.
BURNSTORM:Why? Who would do such a thing?
MUGGINS:She must have witnessed the Reds and Blues leaving. Someone stopped her from warning us until it was too late.
ATLUS roars in fury.
KALIRAMA:Muggins, I am so sorry.
MUGGINS:As am I. She was my friend. (Continues in voiceover, as we see Wash walking the streets of Chorus alone. Ironic that friends who we would defend with our lives are so often the ones we hurt. (Over the Reds and Blues preparing their weapons.) We discover our love for them too late, ts presence revealed by their absence, their warmth felt as a sudden chill and we are left cold. A friend—she shone as I do, but her truest light was invisible. It was the brightness of her point of view. (Shot lingers on Carolina for a moment.) Like a lighthouse, she guided us toward our saviors, out of danger. And so, hope, snuffed out, was reignited by a single spark. All I know is this: she was my friend. KALIRAMA: Thank you, Muggins. Well spoken. (Looks at Atlus.) My husband. My King. We must decide what we do next.
ATLUS:Though times seem most desperate, we must not give up hope. Perhaps the Reds and Blues will succeed, against all odds. Perhaps these mortals will prevail.
KALIRAMA:Destiny!
ATLUS:May she see us through.
KALIRAMA:No! She has come!
Atlus looks up. Before them, floating in a ball of bright blue-white light, are three mysterious figures dressed in white armor, each with outstretched hands. A closer shot reveals the helmets have no visor, just a plate with four bolts in it that give the impression of a four-eyed face.
ATLUS:The Fates! Have you come… (The gods all kneel.) ...to relieve us of our doubt?
DESTINY:Our dreams have ended. And so the nightmare begins.
DESTINY’S SISTERS:(Singing in eerie harmony.) So we wake… soon all will cease…
DESTINY:The Great Endeavor is lost. All efforts mount to vanity.
KALIRAMA:Is it truly over?
DESTINY:I have seen what remains of the future. The cup is near empty.
ATLUS:Spare your riddles! Tell us of your visions!
DESTINY:All is lost.
DESTINY’S SISTERS:(Singing.) The end has come…
DESTINY:Tonight the sun sets. There will be no dawn.
GENKINS:(Rising from his knees.) Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em!


Red vs. Blue Season 16
Episode 15: Paradox

Scene opens on a shot of the Blues’ and Reds’ underwater base, with no one in sight. As Carolina speaks in voiceover, the camera moves through the empty corridors and rooms of the base, finally coming to the room where the Reds and Blues from the present are hiding.
CAROLINA:(Voiceover.) We have one shot at this. Jax’s footage has given us the precise moment. At 17:20, Wash will be hit. 18 minutes from my mark. Sync.
EVERYONE:Sync!
SIMMONS:18 minutes is tight, but every second we spend here risks more damage to the past.
CAROLINA:We need to be surgical.
SISTER:No fucking the timeline.
SARGE:(Reluctantly.) No assassinating Temple.
SIMMONS:Remember the Butterfly Effect. Any damage we do could have disastrous consequences.
SARGE:No killing butterflies.
CABOOSE:Uhhh, question! (Clears throat.) How—how—how do we feel about moths? (Camera zooms out to reveal a handful of gray wings in Caboose’s left glove.) I’m asking for a friend.
CAROLINA:This won’t be easy, but we have an advantage. We know what will happen. As we speak, Locus is busting me and Wash out of prison. Then—
SARGE:I bail out Dylan and Jax, and meet up with Locus in the hall!
TUCKER:Temple and his gang flee sometime right after that, bringing all their dudes with them.
SIMMONS:The past us-es meet in the brig, and from there, the hangar, where we—
Simmons is interrupted by a Blue soldier opening the door.
BLUE SOLDIER:Hey! Oh, fuck! (Turns and runs.)
Sarge raises his shotgun. Carolina pushes the barrel back down.
CAROLINA:No guns!
Carolina chases after the Blue soldier, catches him by the back of his armor, and hurls him back into Tucker’s waiting kick.
SISTER:That —whoo—okay—
SIMMONS:We’ll get the body out of sight.
CAROLINA:Good. No harm done. Stick to the… (Looks up, realizing that there is a security camera pointed directly at her.) Stick to the plan.
The shot zooms in on Carolina’s reflection in the camera, then out again on her image on a security screen in another room. A shadowing figure stands in front of the security display, watching.
Cut to Donut on a pure white background, holding the Hammer.
DONUT:(Stage whisper.) Hello? Anyone? O’Malley?
CHROVOS:My son. Welcome home.
The arched wooden church doors appear in the white, opening. Donut steps through onto a floating rock platform. He pause for a moment, then begins his walk of faith across thin air to Chrovos’s platform.
Back to the Reds and Blues. They move quickly as a group through the hallways. Coming to a closed door, Simmons tries the keypad.
SIMMONS:Locked. Uh, we can try to override—
CAROLINA:No time. We go around. This way. (Leads the Reds and Blues off to their right, then stops.) Wait… hide!
The Reds and Blues dart into two doorways opposite each other—all except for Grif, who stays in the middle of the hallway, sniffing the air.
CAROLINA:Now, Grif!
GRIF:Fuck! (Runs to join the others in the room where Carolina, Tucker, and Sister are hidden.)
TUCKER:What’s going—
CAROLINA:Shhh.
A few beats pass, and then there is a hissing sound and the ripple of active camouflage in the air outside the room, just before Locus decloaks.
LOCUS:Clear.
He starts moving again, followed by past Carolina and Wash. Past Wash stops, takes a few steps back and peers into the room.
PAST WASH:(Clearly still loopy, looking from Carolina to Tucker.) Aw, hey… whassup, guys!
CAROLINA:(Quietly.) Hi, Wash.
PAST WASH:(Whispers.) Are you coming with us?
CAROLINA:(Whispers.) No, we’re… good in here.
GRIF:(Whispers.) Do you guys smell that?
PAST WASH:(In a singsong voice.) Whoever smelt it, dealt it!
PAST CAROLINA:Wash! Who are you talking to?
PAST WASH:You…
PAST CAROLINA:Come on. We’ve gotta move.
PAST WASH:(To present Carolina.) Bye.
CAROLINA:(Whispers.) Bye.
Past Wash walks away.
TUCKER:That was too close.
CAROLINA:My bad. I forgot we escaped this way. Time travel’s hard.
TUCKER:You’ll get the hang of it.
CAROLINA:This way. The path should be clear.
SIMMONS:Straight through the main complex and we’re at the hangar. The complex was abandoned in our escape last time, so there should be no resistance.
GRIF:Wait. Something’s wrong.
SARGE:What is it, soldier?
GRIF:What do you guys smell right now?
CAROLINA:We don’t have time for this.
GRIF:Do it. One second.
CABOOSE:(Inhales.) Ah, smells like helmet.
TUCKER:Food?
SIMMONS:Like, Italian food or something… what’s your point?
GRIF:Temple and his gang only ate fish.
SARGE:Grif! Can you stop thinking about food for five dang minutes?
GRIF:Guys, I would know the smell anywhere. It’s pepperoni pizza from Sammie Raphaello’s.
SIMMONS:Sammie’s was destroyed, and pizza doesn’t exist.
TUCKER:This can wait!
GRIF:Something or someone has been messing with us from the very beginning. And whatever it is, I think it’s here. Guys… we’re not the only time travelers in the building.
CAROLINA:Fuck! What if it’s a trap? We can’t turn back now.
GRIF:I can follow the smell. I’ll go alone. There are six of you. You can handle the guard that shot Wash.
SIMMONS:I don’t like this plan.
GRIF:We don’t have time to debate it!
Grif takes off down the hallway alone.
CAROLINA:Come on.
The Reds and Blues continue to the next room. They pause, all of them clustered behind a doorframe as Red and Blue soldiers swarm the area.
CAROLINA:I’m not one to panic easily, but… this is trouble. (To Simmons.) You said the complex was empty.
SIMMONS:It was! Is! Ah, should be! This path was clear. Will be clear in a few minutes when the past us-es roll through. We just have to wait for these guards to leave.
SARGE:Huh. They don’t look like they’re goin’ anywhere. We need to clear ‘em out.
CAROLINA:Impossible. I can’t fight that many without tripping the alarm.
TUCKER:Well, there’s no other way around!
CAROLINA:We wait, or we fight. It’s a lose-lose.
FUTURE SIMMONS:I know it seems bad—
A time portal has opened next to Simmons. Through it can be seen… Simmons, surrounded by the Reds and Blues, inside the same facility.
FUTURE SIMMONS:But don’t worry. I’m here to help.
Cut to Donut approaching Chrovos.
CHROVOS:Yes, my son. I am so proud.
DONUT:My friends… They were all really mean to me! Again!
CHROVOS:I know. And I’m sorry. It will not happen again.
Donut walks closer. The shot transitions back to Grif, walking toward the smell of pizza in the base’s mess hall.
GENKINS:Grif! Bubby! You came! Get on in here, have a slice!
GRIF:What are you— (Spots a tray of steaming fresh pizza on the table in front of Genkins. Interestingly, it is not a pepperoni pizza, but appears to be topped with fresh mozzarella, basil, and chopped tomatoes.) Ohhh, pizz—no, no! Be strong, Grif. (Raises his rifle.)
GENKINS:Oh please, Grif. I’m not here to fight. I brought pizza! It’s… an apology.
Meanwhile, with the Reds and Blues…
SIMMONS:Hi?
FUTURE SIMMONS:Hi.
CAROLINA:Can someone tell me what’s going on?
SIMMONS:I think my counterpart is from the future and is gonna tell us how to defeat all these guys!
FUTURE SIMMONS:That’s correct! My advice is, use what you’ve learned.
TUCKER:That’s it?
FUTURE SIMMONS:‘Fraid so. Oh, and also? You guys are gonna do great.
The portal closes.
CAROLINA:I… don’t understand.
SIMMONS:Carolina, I think you need to let us handle this one.
Meanwhile, with Grif and Genkins…
GRIF:You’re the reason Sammie’s was destroyed?! You erased pizza from history? You set us up.
GENKINS:(Giggles.) Yup. Sorry! Huehuehueahahahahahah!
GRIF:Why?!
GENKINS:Ah! So you want to know my master plan! The pizza’s getting cold, Grif!
GRIF:I don’t care! Talk! Why are you doing this?
GENKINS:Because I’m bored!
Meanwhile with the Reds and Blues…
SARGE:(To two Red and Blue soldiers standing nearby.) Hey! You men! Get over here! That’s an order!
The soldiers run after Sarge, and more follow. The first two fall through a portal opened up in the floor, landing on Iris, where Grog's Wife is still stomping around. She promptly stomps them dead.
GROG'S WIFE:Raaagh!
Back inside the base, a whinnying noise can be heard.
RED SOLDIER:Did you hear something?
BLUE SOLDIER:Sounded like a—
A horse lands on both of them, knocking them to the ground.
TUCKER:(Holding the time gun.) Hah! Nailed it!
SISTER:You really didn’t need to use a horse for that.
SIMMONS:You see that guy, Caboose? (Conspiratorial whisper.) He’s the one who took your penny.
CABOOSE:Fooooooooooour percent interest!
Caboose charges in and hits a Red soldier with the golf club, so hard the soldier goes flying, bumping into the walls.
Meanwhile, back with Donut and Chrovos…
DONUT:When I was lost, why did you save me?
CHROVOS:I saw a soul lost in time, and took pity. Now, are you ready for what’s next?
Donut hesitates for a moment, then steps closer.
Meanwhile, back with the Reds and Blues… knocked out Red and Blue soldiers litter the floor. Carolina walks past them to meet the Reds and Blues.
CAROLINA:You did it! With minutes to spare!
TUCKER:Let’s boogie, before the other us-es show up!
SIMMONS:Wait. One more thing.
He opens a time portal, back to a few minutes earlier.
PAST CAROLINA:We wait, or we fight. It’s a lose-lose.
SIMMONS:I know it seems bad… but don’t worry. I’m here to help.
Meanwhile with Donut and Chrovos…
CHROVOS:Good, good! Now… lay down the Hammer. Do as I say, Donut. The Hammer.
Donut hesitates, looking down at the Hammer in his hands.
DONUT:What happens then?
CHROVOS:When I am free, I will begin to gain power. I will kill the Cosmic Powers and their agents.
DONUT:My friends?
CHROVOS:Will be safe. I promise.
DONUT:They are… they don’t always treat me great. They don’t reciprocate. They never treat me like a man.
CHROVOS:I know this! I know all!
DONUT:But… they are still my friends!
CHROVOS:Don’t do this, Donut!
DONUT:You killed me, didn’t you? My getting sucked into the past was no mistake. You targeted me. I’m your shisno! Your pet!
CHROVOS:When I am free, I will make it right. Your suffering will not be in vain. Now Donut… it’s time for the Hammer.
DONUT:(Raising the Hammer over his head.) It sure is!
CHROVOS:Don’t!
Donut begins to swing—but the Hammer is halted by a purple hand.
Meanwhile, back with Grif…
GENKINS:It’s not you. It’s just this… universe. It’s gotten so boring lately! I think it’s time we see other universes. Weirder ones, sexy ones, ones where the rules aren’t so… mundane! See, when I’m top dog, things are going to get a lot weirder!
GRIF:Chrovos offered you power.
GENKINS:Ultimate power! I’ll be a god! A real one! Not this… charade. Oh, imagine the possibilities! I could create an entire race of beings with butts for faces… and faces for butts! Ah! Magnificent!
Meanwhile, with Donut…
O’MALLEY:That’s the last mistake you’ll ever make, my dude.
DONUT:(Turning around to fight O’Malley for control of the Hammer.) Stay out of this, O’Malley!
O’MALLEY:Now, now! Let go of the Hammer!
DONUT:I don’t wanna hurt you!
O’MALLEY:Heh heh—hahahahahahaha! Aren’t you funny now! Huahaha!
DONUT:I mean it, O’Malley, let go!
O’MALLEY:No, you let go!
CHROVOS:Children! Please stop. Release your hold, Donut. All will be forgiven.
DONUT:Never!
CHROVOS:Kill him.
O’MALLEY:With pleasure.
O’Malley yanks hard on the Hammer, wrenching it free from Donut and sending it flying through the air. He shoots open a time portal in midair, and the Hammer flies through.
DONUT:Aw, darn you to heck!
Donut knocks O’Malley out of the way and dives through the time portal. He emerges tumbling over the hull of a large aircraft, before coming to a stop on its pitched tail. When he looks up, O’Malley is walking over the hull toward him. Other airplanes can be seen in the dark, cloudy sky.
O’MALLEY:You could’ve been a prince in heaven! Instead, I’ll be sending you straight to H-E-double-hockey-sticks!
DONUT:Well, at least I’ll be in good company!
Another plane flying alongside them is shot down. Donut looks up to see three other planes flying after the one they are on, and they start firing. The plane they are on banks to avoid the shots, causing The Hammer to fall down onto the wing. Donut and Doc both look at each other, before they both begin running along the wing. The plane tilts again, causing the two of them to fall off along with The Hammer and O'Malley's Time Gun. As they are falling, Donut manages to grab O'Malley's Time Gun and opens a portal below them. They fall into it and land at Blood Gulch, with Donut crashing into the floor. He looks up and sees O'Malley standing over him with the Hammer lying next to him. Donut looks to his left and sees a frag grenade on the floor. He picks it up and throws it. The grenade overshoots massively and O'Malley watches it sail by.
O'MALLEY:Hohoho! I think you missed there, buddy! Hahahahaha! (Runs toward The Hammer.)
Donut opens a portal below him and another below the Hammer. Both fall through with O'Malley following soon after. They land on the moon, and O'Malley looks up and sees Donut with the Hammer and the Time-Gun, then proceeds to run at him.
O'MALLEY:To the moon, Delano!
Donut attempts to swing at O'Malley with the Hammer, but O'Malley grasps it and smacks him with it, sending him flying. Donut can be heard screaming as he flies away.
O'MALLEY:Hey! Get back here!
O'Malley begins to hop across the moon's surface, following Donut.
Back with Grif and Genkins...
GENKINS:I'm sorry that I have to kill you and everyone you love to make Buttworld, but like I said: bored.
GRIF:Are you finished?
GENKINS:Quite.
GRIF:Huh, would you look at the time.
GENKINS:Ooh, getting late.
GRIF:Too late. You see buddy, while you've been jerking yourself off with monologues, my friends were off saving Wash.
GENKINS:Fantastic.
GRIF:We... won?
GENKINS:Huzzah!
GRIF:...You're not here to stop us.
GENKINS:Oh, Grif. No, I'm not here to stop you...
Scene cuts to the Reds and Blues getting into position in the hangar.
GENKINS:(Voiceover.) ...I'm here to make sure you go through with it.
Meanwhile, on the Moon, O'Malley swings the Hammer at Donut's head, but he dodges and backs up.
O'MALLEY:Give me that gun!
DONUT:Give me the Hammer!
Donut grabs the American flag planted on the moon and uses it to deflect another swing, before stabbing it into O'Malley's visor, the crack sucks the oxygen out of his helmet, causing him to struggle to breathe, resulting in him dropping the Hammer. Donut two-foot kicks O'Malley in the stomach, throwing him into the side of the Apollo 11 lander. He re-plants the flag and picks up the Hammer before opening another portal.
O'MALLEY:Not so fast! Aaaahaha!
Donut turns around to see O'Malley has thrown the lander, and it collides with him, throwing him through the portal into a brightly-lit wrestling ring. As he rebounds off the ropes, O'Malley clotheslines him with a steel folding chair, knocking him onto his back.
O'MALLEY:Take a seat.
As Donut tries to get up, O'Malley jumps off the ropes to deliver an elbow drop to his head, knocking him down again. O'Malley turns to the booing crowd.
O'MALLEY:That's what he gets! Am I right!
Donut comes up behind O'Malley facing away from him, grabbing his shoulders and abruptly kneeling to bend him backwards. He backs off and turns around to see O'Malley crawling toward a second version of himself, before hi-fiving and standing up to face Donut.
DONUT:Tag team? That's cheating, O'Malley!
Donut backs up as the two O'Malleys approach, standing between the Hammer and the Time-Portal Gun, before deciding to go for the gun. He grabs it and slides under the ropes into a portal. As O'Malley picks up the Hammer, however, Donut swings into the ring on the microphone and kicks him, knocking the Hammer out of his hands. He makes another portal beneath the Hammer, and the two both jump in after it.
Donut and O'Malley appear on the sloped roof of the Florence Cathedral, before sliding down and into another portal. They fall onto the roof of a building in New York City. Donut quickly grabs the Hammer and hits O'Malley, throwing him into the low wall around the edge of the building. He screams and charges at him with the Hammer raised to strike, before O'Malley takes on a more placating pose, his voice shifting to Doc's.
DOC:Ah! Please, no! Donut, have mercy!
DONUT:Doc?
DOC:I fought him off, I swear to gosh! Please! O'Malley is gone, I promise!
DONUT:I don't believe you!
O'MALLEY:Smart pup.
Donut swings the Hammer down, but O'Malley moves out of the way and kicks Donut in the face before taking the Hammer and throwing Donut through the air, where he collapses on the ground next to the Time-Portal Gun.
O'MALLEY:It's over, you idiot!
DONUT:You're right about that, but wrong about something else.
O'MALLEY:And what would that be?
DONUT:I've always had one heck of a throwing arm. I don't miss.
Donut takes the gun and opens a portal to Blood Gulch, and the grenade he threw there flies through, landing at O'Malley's feet.
O'MALLEY:Well played.
The grenade explodes, knocking O'Malley off the side of the building and the Hammer out of his hands. Donut catches it in midair and makes a portal below himself, dropping through.
Meanwhile, with Grif and Genkins…
GENKINS:Why would I want to stop you, Grif? With Washington and Locus on your side, Temple will go down before he even turns on the time machine.
GRIF:...Donut will never get zapped.
GENKINS:And you and your friends will never time travel in the first place! Mhmhmhm. Burrowing through time weakens it, sure. And changing history cracks it a little. But nothing shatters time like a paradox!
Grif turns and runs out of the room, leaving the pizza behind.
Meanwhile, Donut returns to Chrovos.
CHROVOS:You're too late!
DONUT:Like hell!
Donut raises the Hammer, preparing to strike Chrovos' prison.
The camera jumps between Grif sprinting down the hallway, Donut swinging the Hammer and Wash walking forwards multiple times, all in slow motion. A Blue Simulation Trooper sees Wash out in the open and begins to aim at him. Donut continues to swing, visibly struggling, as Grif rounds the corner into the hangar.
GRIF:Don't!
Carolina aims her gun at the Blue soldier aiming at Wash. The Blue looks down his sights and prepares to fire. Grif is seen running in.
GRIF:No!
Carolina fires, killing the Blue soldier before he shoots Washington. Time comes to a complete stop and everyone and everything freezes, except for the Reds and Blues of the present. Everything slowly starts to become white.
TUCKER:(Echoing.) What's going on?
SARGE:(Echoing.) Simmons?
Everything surrounding them has faded away, and the Reds and Blues themselves begin to fade too.
SIMMONS:(Echoing.) I-It's...
CAROLINA:(Echoing.) It's too late...
TUCKER:(Echoing.) K, I-I need to tell you–
SISTER:(Echoing.) –Don't...
SARGE:(Echoing.) Men, Grif, Simmons, It's been an honour–
The Reds and Blues fade away and the screen becomes completely white, before suddenly cutting to black.
The scene cuts to a long panning shot over Blood Gulch, in the Halo 2 Anniversary engine. Cut to Simmons and Grif approaching Sarge.
SARGE:Hurry up, ladies! This ain't no ice cream social.
SIMMONS:Ice cream social?
SARGE:Stop the pillowtalk you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here, today.
GRIF:Uh, is it because the war is over and you're sending us home?
The camera pans to Tucker and a figure who looks like Church carrying a sniper rifle, who are watching the Reds from a cliff. As he talks, it's clear that his voice doesn't match that of Church.
NOT CHURCH:Aren't you curious about what they're doing?
TUCKER:(Sighs.) I bet I could guess.
NOT CHURCH:It's standing around talking. It's all they ever do! (Brief silence.) You wanna take a look?
TUCKER:Uh, no. I-I'm good. I don't like those things.
NOT CHURCH:Suit yourself. Lets get outta here. Command is finally sending us some reinforcements. I heard we're getting a tank!
Not Church and Tucker run down the cliff.
Scene pans down to Red base, with Grif and Simmons standing on top of it.
GRIF:Yo.
SIMMONS:Hmm?
GRIF:You ever wonder why we're... why we're... huh.
SIMMONS:What's that?
GRIF:I could've sworn that... what the shit is déjà vu anyway?
SIMMONS:I got no idea. I guess it's just one of life's great my– ah, fuck. I never knew déjà vu was contagious. Thanks.
GRIF:Hm.
The scene pans away from the base and goes slightly upwards. A pink light can briefly be seen above the canyon, before flickering out.
End Credits play