Episode 58 - The Old Man  pc: 418, season 4, episode 18  Broadcast date: February 18, 1993   Written by Bruce Kirschbaum  Story by Larry Charles  Directed by Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Bill Erwin ............................. Sid  Tobin Bell ............................ Ron  Robert Donley .................... Ben  Lanei Chapman ................... Housekeeper  Victoria Dillard .................... Agency Rep  Jerry Hauck ........................ Tim  rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman   ==================================================================   [Open at Monk's, with Jerry & George just sittin' around. Jerry is reading the paper while George reflects on things]   GEORGE: Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?   JERRY: Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll *all* be over...   GEORGE: Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English.   JERRY: Yeah, how about a mute?   GEORGE: A mute would be good.   JERRY: Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?   GEORGE: This is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute.   (George quickly shifts into deep philosophical mode. Jerry remains pedestrian on the issue, still reading the paper.)   GEORGE: I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry, there's a void...   JERRY: A deep, yawning chasm...   GEORGE: There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?   JERRY: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.   (Elaine enters and greets George & Jerry cheerfully.)   ELAINE: Hey boys!   JERRY: Hey! How you doin'?   ELAINE: Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start tomorrow.   GEORGE: Start what?   ELAINE: I signed up to do volunteer work with senior citizens.   GEORGE: *Really*.   ELAINE: Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! I mean, I feel *so* *good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I haven't even met the woman yet.   GEORGE: Volunteer work, huh?   JERRY: What're you gonna do down there?   ELAINE: Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and, I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and it's supposed to make them feel good.   JERRY: That's what I do with him [points at George]   (George gives Jerry that "Oh, ha-ha... it is to laugh" look and probes Elaine further (no, that's not a euphemism for those who are wondering.)   GEORGE: When did you get this idea?   ELAINE: Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going *on* and *on* and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak English.   JERRY: What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me?   GEORGE: And... and anybody can do this?   ELAINE: Yup.   GEORGE: Helping people... Of course. Of course! It makes perfect sense! How could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit!   ELAINE: [To Jerry] What about you?   JERRY: Nah, it's not for me.   ELAINE: Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you.   GEORGE: What *kind* of a person are you?   JERRY: I think I'm pretty much like you-- only successful.    [We skip forward to the apartment where a representative from the senior citizens office is giving George & Jerry their information sheets on their volunteer cases.]   AGENCY REP: This is a wonderful thing you're doing. They're so grateful just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that everyone who participates finds the experience extremely rewarding.   GEORGE: Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin' like a good person.   AGENCY REP: Good luck.   JERRY: Thank you.   (The rep leaves and George & Jerry compare information sheets)   GEORGE: Hey, what's your guy's name again?   JERRY: Fields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old. *87*. How about your guy?   GEORGE: Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that age?   JERRY: *We*? No.   (Enter Kramer)   KRAMER: So what's up, Diggity Dog?   JERRY: George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.   KRAMER: Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you.   JERRY: What're you talkin' about?   KRAMER: Oh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you!   JERRY: What?   KRAMER: It's a *con*. These agencies are usually a front for some money laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out of their life savings, oh *yeah*.   JERRY: Where do you *get* this?   KRAMER: The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth.   (Before Kramer can get too far into his tale, a commotion is going on outside the door at Kramer's apartment. Someone's knockin' on his door.)   NEWMAN: Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!?   KRAMER: I'm in here. C'mon...   JERRY: Hello, *Newman*...   NEWMAN: Jerry, George. [To Kramer] So, did you ask him about the records?   KRAMER: Well--   JERRY: What records?   KRAMER: Well, Newman and I are going partners selling used records.   (Kramer and Newman do what I can only assume is some sort of Secret Hand Shake (like the Moose lodge).)   NEWMAN: You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used records!   KRAMER: Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know, old-fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around--   KRAMER: Y'know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge.   (Before Jerry issues a response, George needs his curiousity satisfied.)   GEORGE: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?   NEWMAN: I'm a United States postal worker.   GEORGE: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?   NEWMAN: Sometimes...   JERRY: Why *is* that?   NEWMAN: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!!   (Newman is restrained by the boys, but on the bright side, Jerry has allowed Kramer & Newman to take whatever records they want from his bedroom. We shift to the record shop, but the sign says "Bleeker Bob's Records" (Continuity alert! Continuity alert!) The clerk (presumably Ron) files through Kramer & Newman's stash carefully and somehow comes to his total without a calculator)   RON: I'll give you five bucks.   KRAMER: Five bucks???   NEWMAN: Well, you know how much those records are worth!?   RON: Yeah, I do... Fi' dollars.   NEWMAN: Those records are worth more than five dollars!   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] He's gyppin' us...   NEWMAN: You're gyppin' us!   RON: Well, whattya got here, y'know, you got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes, now come on...   KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has a cult following.   NEWMAN: They follow him like a cult.   KRAMER: He can't even walk down the street in South America...   RON: Look, that's his problem, alright? Now you don't like it, too bad.   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I don't like it...   NEWMAN: I don't like it.   RON: Well, then get the Hell out of my store, alright? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money.   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] Alright, well be back, jack.   NEWMAN: Alright, well be back... *jack*!    [At the home of Sid Field, Sid sits in an armchair while his housekeeper answers the door. Sid is not the jolly fellow one might associate with someone of his mellowing years]   JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.   HOUSEKEEPER: Agency?   JERRY: Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence?   HOUSEKEEPER: Sid Fields.   (The Housekeeper points over to the E-Z Chair where Sid is sitting. He welcomes Jerry into his home.)   SID: What the *Hell* is it?   JERRY: Mr. Fields?   SID: What!?!   JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.   SID: Agency? What agency? The *CIA*?   JERRY: No, no, the--   SID: Who let you in here?   JERRY: The woman, she--   SID: Oh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...   JERRY: Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you.   SID: Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud, you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? [Jerry gets out card]   JERRY: No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm--   SID: I can't read that you fool...   (Jerry is in the pocket and he's in trouble. Attempting to avoid the sack he scrambles and picks another topic to switch to. There are a couple of piles of records on top of the TV. Jerry asks about them.)   JERRY: What's all this stuff?   SID: Trash. Garbage.   JERRY: You're throwin' this out??   SID: I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot.   (You can make out the albums pretty clearly. One is an apparent K-Tel "classic": "22 Explosive Hits", I don't know the other one. Anyone? I believe "The Beatles" (The White Album) is there also.)   JERRY: You don't want any of this?   SID: Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, *Ein-stein*.   JERRY: You know I have some friends who would really like to have these.   SID: Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not going to give it to my family.   (They've bonded. Just like in all those buddy-cop movies. This seemingly non-compatible couple have found common ground. They've reached each other)   JERRY: Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee...   SID: With you? I'd rather be dead.   JERRY: Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an appointment to get my, um, tonsils out.   SID: Good. Thank God. Good riddance. [pause] Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!!    [At Monk's, George and his charge enjoy a bowl of soup over some, er, light conversation.]   BEN: No, I feel great for 85.   GEORGE: Y'know the average life span for an American male is like, 72. You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there.   BEN: I'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think about it.   GEORGE: You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it at my age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. All I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane...   BEN: I'm grateful for every moment I have.   GEORGE: Grateful? How can you be grateful when you're *so* close to the end? When you know that any second-- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all be over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on the wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake...   BEN: I guess I just don't care.   GEORGE: What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any *sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?!   (Ben gets up to leave)   GEORGE: Wait a second, where are you going?   BEN: Life's too short to waste on you.   GEORGE: Wait a minute, please--   BEN: Get out of my way...   (As Ben shoves George out of the way, all of a sudden you just *have* to feel a tinge of pain in your heart as you realize George realizes he won't be able to talk to Ben anymore)   GEORGE: But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me for the soup...    [The apartment of Elaine's senior citizen. It's very dark in the apartment.]   ELAINE: Mrs. Oliver?   MRS. O: Yes my dear.   (Elaine looks around the room, trying to find Mrs. Oliver. She pans around and wham-o!! She sees that Mrs. Oliver has a rather, er, um, unsightly physical problem (to put it mildly)   ELAINE: Ooh!   MRS. O: What's the trouble? Are you alright?   ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.   MRS. O: It's my goiter, isn't it?   ELAINE: Did you say goiter? What goiter?   MRS. O: This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck.   ELAINE: Oh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... Whaddya know...   MRS. O: Does it bother you?   ELAINE: Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like that bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um, in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you want to know something? I, I wish I had one. [pause] Really.    [At Jerry's apartment, the kids compare notes on their visits.]   JERRY: C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter...   ELAINE: I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there: "Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* has a second head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.   JERRY: They really should mention that in the breakdown: height, weight, goiter.   ELAINE: Y'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but this is too much to ask.   JERRY: Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to.   ELAINE: Hey Georgie, what happened with your guy?   GEORGE: I don't think it's gonna work out...   JERRY: Whattya mean?   GEORGE: He fired me.   JERRY: He fired you?!?   ELAINE: *How* do you get fired from a volunteer job?   GEORGE: I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me!   JERRY: Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy. He's a mean, mean guy.   ELAINE: I wish I could quit...   JERRY: So quit!   GEORGE: Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.   (Kramer and Newman come in, albums in hand)   KRAMER: Well, here's your *albums* [Journey "Escape" is on top, BTW...]   JERRY: What happened?   NEWMAN: Five dollars. He offered us *five* dollars.   KRAMER: Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening to? You *embarrassed* me at that store.   NEWMAN: That guy thought we were a couple of total squares.   JERRY: Oh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*...   KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America!   (Elaine relieves herself of the conversation by going to the bathroom)   JERRY: Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away: Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson, Benny Goodman...   KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out??   JERRY: Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them and he said yeah.   KRAMER: Okay...   NEWMAN: [In Kramer's ear] The old coot's sittin' on a mountain of gold!   KRAMER: Yeah...   JERRY: But you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin' them all.   KRAMER: Yeah, but you've gotta come with us.   JERRY: Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this house keeper he's got. She's from Senegal [and, ala Carson] Wild, Wild, Stuff...   (George peeks up from the magazine he's reading on the couch)   GEORGE: Senegal?    [At Mr. Fields' apartment, George is helping the housekeeper put away some groceries. He takes this time to get to know her better]   GEORGE: So you don't speak *any* English at all?   HOUSEKEEPER: English? No.   SID: Hey, what are those bums doin' back there?   JERRY: Well you said they could come and take the records.   SID: It's like watchin' a couple of hyenas goin' through the garbage.   GEORGE: You don't speak *any* English?   HOUSEKEEPER: No English.   GEORGE: I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body. [No reaction] You don't understand! It's a miracle! You don't understand because you don't speak English!   JERRY: So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is--   SID: Hey, I don't like what's goin' on around here. I want all you bums outta here.   KRAMER: Now calm down, Mr. Fields...   SID: Now don't tell me to calm down... Get your hands off of me! Why you little...   KRAMER: Oooow! He's biting me!   (Kramer's defense mechanism kicks in and when he rips his arm away from Sid's jaws of death, something flies away from the scrum)   SID: My teeth! My teeth!   JERRY: Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth!   GEORGE: I thought I saw something fly over here...   JERRY: Well turn the light on...   (George flicks the light switch by the kitchen sink)   JERRY: That's the garbage disposal!   SID: My teeth! You idiots!!!   (The boys decide to take Sid to the dentist to get new teeth, or something but on the way to the cab, somebody forgot to stay with Mr. Fields. They go back to find him, but they can't, apparently.)    [Cut to Mrs. Oliver's place where Elaine is sitting, bored out of her skull through a very pedestrian conversation. She keeps mumbling to herself throughout Mrs. Oliver's story]   MRS. O: And we would take long automobile trips--   ELAINE: Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun...   MRS. O: Staring out the window--   ELAINE: Uh huh...   MRS. O: You'd see a long view of rolling pastures and--   ELAINE: Well, that'll get you goin' right there...   MRS. O: Big, roaming cows--   ELAINE: Cows, well that's fascinating...   MRS. O: That's when I began my affair with Mohandas.   ELAINE: What?   MRS. O: Mohandas.   ELAINE: Ghandhi?   MRS. O: Oh, the *passion*. The *forbidden pleasure*--   ELAINE: You had an affair with Ghandhi? MRS. O: He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body. Here, look... [shows Elaine a picture of the two together]   ELAINE: Oh, my God... The Mohatma?    [Meanwhile, back at Bleeker Bob's, er, I mean, Ron's on Bleeker, Kramer and Newman have brought Ron the clerk "something decent".]   RON: Twenty bucks.   NEWMAN: Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your mind?   RON: Well, take it or leave it.   NEWMAN: Take it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson* here, *Al Jolson*!!   RON: Now what the Hell do I care about Al Jolson. I'd just assume her you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh...   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap...   NEWMAN: You are nothing but a piece of crap.   RON: Pardon me?   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] A piece of crap...   NEWMAN: A piece of crap.   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I find you extremely ugly...   NEWMAN: I find you extremely ugly.   RON: *Do* you?   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] You emit a foul and unpleasant odour...   NEWMAN: You emit a foul and unpleasant odour.   RON: Oh, is that right?   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I *loathe* you...   NEWMAN: I *loathe* you.   RON: That's it. Get out of my store!   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] Make us.   NEWMAN: Make us!   RON: Oh, I'll make you!   (As Ron jumps the counter to get at the boys, we cut to Jerry's apartment where it seems he is being lectured)   AGENCY REP: Do you realize how irresponsible this is? Our agency's sole purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation.   JERRY: Yes, but--   (buzzer)   JERRY: [Into intercom] Yes?   TIM: It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son.   JERRY: Alright, c'mon up.   JERRY: [To Rep] I dunno what happened, we were just trying to take him to the dentist.   AGENCY REP: Why were you taking him to the dentist?   JERRY: Um, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage disposal--   AGENCY REP: What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal?   JERRY: Well, after he bit my friend--   AGENCY REP: Bit your friend?!  % Tim comes into the apartment to temporarily get Jerry off the hook.   TIM: What the *Hell* is going on here? How do you *lose* a human being?!   JERRY: I, I'm sorry.   TIM: And who were these other people. What were they doing in the apartment!?   JERRY: Well, I brought them up there to take his records--   TIM: Take his *records*? Do you realize how valuable that record collection is?    [Kramer and Newman come into the apartment.]   KRAMER: Hey.   JERRY: There you are. Did you find him?   KRAMER: No, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's and he tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight.   NEWMAN: It was a real melee.   KRAMER: Yeah, a real brouhaha...   (They inform all that the records are broken, but before Tim can get *really* out of control, they try to call Mr. Fields at home, but the line is busy, so they go to his apartment figuring he must be home. As they all get there, they come upon a rather)   (Scene of George on couch with the maid rubbing oil on his head.)    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 58 - The Old Man  pc: 418, season 4, episode 18  Broadcast date: February 18, 1993   Written by Bruce Kirschbaum  Story by Larry Charles  Directed by Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Bill Erwin ............................. Sid  Tobin Bell ............................ Ron  Robert Donley .................... Ben  Lanei Chapman ................... Housekeeper  Victoria Dillard .................... Agency Rep  Jerry Hauck ........................ Tim  rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman   ==================================================================   [Open at Monk's, with Jerry & George just sittin' around. Jerry is reading the paper while George reflects on things]   GEORGE: Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?   JERRY: Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll *all* be over...   GEORGE: Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English.   JERRY: Yeah, how about a mute?   GEORGE: A mute would be good.   JERRY: Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?   GEORGE: This is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute.   (George quickly shifts into deep philosophical mode. Jerry remains pedestrian on the issue, still reading the paper.)   GEORGE: I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry, there's a void...   JERRY: A deep, yawning chasm...   GEORGE: There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?   JERRY: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.   (Elaine enters and greets George & Jerry cheerfully.)   ELAINE: Hey boys!   JERRY: Hey! How you doin'?   ELAINE: Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start tomorrow.   GEORGE: Start what?   ELAINE: I signed up to do volunteer work with senior citizens.   GEORGE: *Really*.   ELAINE: Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! I mean, I feel *so* *good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I haven't even met the woman yet.   GEORGE: Volunteer work, huh?   JERRY: What're you gonna do down there?   ELAINE: Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and, I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and it's supposed to make them feel good.   JERRY: That's what I do with him [points at George]   (George gives Jerry that "Oh, ha-ha... it is to laugh" look and probes Elaine further (no, that's not a euphemism for those who are wondering.)   GEORGE: When did you get this idea?   ELAINE: Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going *on* and *on* and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak English.   JERRY: What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me?   GEORGE: And... and anybody can do this?   ELAINE: Yup.   GEORGE: Helping people... Of course. Of course! It makes perfect sense! How could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit!   ELAINE: [To Jerry] What about you?   JERRY: Nah, it's not for me.   ELAINE: Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you.   GEORGE: What *kind* of a person are you?   JERRY: I think I'm pretty much like you-- only successful.    [We skip forward to the apartment where a representative from the senior citizens office is giving George & Jerry their information sheets on their volunteer cases.]   AGENCY REP: This is a wonderful thing you're doing. They're so grateful just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that everyone who participates finds the experience extremely rewarding.   GEORGE: Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin' like a good person.   AGENCY REP: Good luck.   JERRY: Thank you.   (The rep leaves and George & Jerry compare information sheets)   GEORGE: Hey, what's your guy's name again?   JERRY: Fields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old. *87*. How about your guy?   GEORGE: Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that age?   JERRY: *We*? No.   (Enter Kramer)   KRAMER: So what's up, Diggity Dog?   JERRY: George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.   KRAMER: Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you.   JERRY: What're you talkin' about?   KRAMER: Oh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you!   JERRY: What?   KRAMER: It's a *con*. These agencies are usually a front for some money laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out of their life savings, oh *yeah*.   JERRY: Where do you *get* this?   KRAMER: The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth.   (Before Kramer can get too far into his tale, a commotion is going on outside the door at Kramer's apartment. Someone's knockin' on his door.)   NEWMAN: Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!?   KRAMER: I'm in here. C'mon...   JERRY: Hello, *Newman*...   NEWMAN: Jerry, George. [To Kramer] So, did you ask him about the records?   KRAMER: Well--   JERRY: What records?   KRAMER: Well, Newman and I are going partners selling used records.   (Kramer and Newman do what I can only assume is some sort of Secret Hand Shake (like the Moose lodge).)   NEWMAN: You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used records!   KRAMER: Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know, old-fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around--   KRAMER: Y'know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge.   (Before Jerry issues a response, George needs his curiousity satisfied.)   GEORGE: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?   NEWMAN: I'm a United States postal worker.   GEORGE: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?   NEWMAN: Sometimes...   JERRY: Why *is* that?   NEWMAN: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!!   (Newman is restrained by the boys, but on the bright side, Jerry has allowed Kramer & Newman to take whatever records they want from his bedroom. We shift to the record shop, but the sign says "Bleeker Bob's Records" (Continuity alert! Continuity alert!) The clerk (presumably Ron) files through Kramer & Newman's stash carefully and somehow comes to his total without a calculator)   RON: I'll give you five bucks.   KRAMER: Five bucks???   NEWMAN: Well, you know how much those records are worth!?   RON: Yeah, I do... Fi' dollars.   NEWMAN: Those records are worth more than five dollars!   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] He's gyppin' us...   NEWMAN: You're gyppin' us!   RON: Well, whattya got here, y'know, you got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes, now come on...   KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has a cult following.   NEWMAN: They follow him like a cult.   KRAMER: He can't even walk down the street in South America...   RON: Look, that's his problem, alright? Now you don't like it, too bad.   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I don't like it...   NEWMAN: I don't like it.   RON: Well, then get the Hell out of my store, alright? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money.   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] Alright, well be back, jack.   NEWMAN: Alright, well be back... *jack*!    [At the home of Sid Field, Sid sits in an armchair while his housekeeper answers the door. Sid is not the jolly fellow one might associate with someone of his mellowing years]   JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.   HOUSEKEEPER: Agency?   JERRY: Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence?   HOUSEKEEPER: Sid Fields.   (The Housekeeper points over to the E-Z Chair where Sid is sitting. He welcomes Jerry into his home.)   SID: What the *Hell* is it?   JERRY: Mr. Fields?   SID: What!?!   JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.   SID: Agency? What agency? The *CIA*?   JERRY: No, no, the--   SID: Who let you in here?   JERRY: The woman, she--   SID: Oh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...   JERRY: Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you.   SID: Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud, you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? [Jerry gets out card]   JERRY: No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm--   SID: I can't read that you fool...   (Jerry is in the pocket and he's in trouble. Attempting to avoid the sack he scrambles and picks another topic to switch to. There are a couple of piles of records on top of the TV. Jerry asks about them.)   JERRY: What's all this stuff?   SID: Trash. Garbage.   JERRY: You're throwin' this out??   SID: I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot.   (You can make out the albums pretty clearly. One is an apparent K-Tel "classic": "22 Explosive Hits", I don't know the other one. Anyone? I believe "The Beatles" (The White Album) is there also.)   JERRY: You don't want any of this?   SID: Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, *Ein-stein*.   JERRY: You know I have some friends who would really like to have these.   SID: Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not going to give it to my family.   (They've bonded. Just like in all those buddy-cop movies. This seemingly non-compatible couple have found common ground. They've reached each other)   JERRY: Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee...   SID: With you? I'd rather be dead.   JERRY: Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an appointment to get my, um, tonsils out.   SID: Good. Thank God. Good riddance. [pause] Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!!    [At Monk's, George and his charge enjoy a bowl of soup over some, er, light conversation.]   BEN: No, I feel great for 85.   GEORGE: Y'know the average life span for an American male is like, 72. You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there.   BEN: I'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think about it.   GEORGE: You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it at my age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. All I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane...   BEN: I'm grateful for every moment I have.   GEORGE: Grateful? How can you be grateful when you're *so* close to the end? When you know that any second-- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all be over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on the wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake...   BEN: I guess I just don't care.   GEORGE: What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any *sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?!   (Ben gets up to leave)   GEORGE: Wait a second, where are you going?   BEN: Life's too short to waste on you.   GEORGE: Wait a minute, please--   BEN: Get out of my way...   (As Ben shoves George out of the way, all of a sudden you just *have* to feel a tinge of pain in your heart as you realize George realizes he won't be able to talk to Ben anymore)   GEORGE: But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me for the soup...    [The apartment of Elaine's senior citizen. It's very dark in the apartment.]   ELAINE: Mrs. Oliver?   MRS. O: Yes my dear.   (Elaine looks around the room, trying to find Mrs. Oliver. She pans around and wham-o!! She sees that Mrs. Oliver has a rather, er, um, unsightly physical problem (to put it mildly)   ELAINE: Ooh!   MRS. O: What's the trouble? Are you alright?   ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.   MRS. O: It's my goiter, isn't it?   ELAINE: Did you say goiter? What goiter?   MRS. O: This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck.   ELAINE: Oh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... Whaddya know...   MRS. O: Does it bother you?   ELAINE: Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like that bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um, in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you want to know something? I, I wish I had one. [pause] Really.    [At Jerry's apartment, the kids compare notes on their visits.]   JERRY: C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter...   ELAINE: I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there: "Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* has a second head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.   JERRY: They really should mention that in the breakdown: height, weight, goiter.   ELAINE: Y'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but this is too much to ask.   JERRY: Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to.   ELAINE: Hey Georgie, what happened with your guy?   GEORGE: I don't think it's gonna work out...   JERRY: Whattya mean?   GEORGE: He fired me.   JERRY: He fired you?!?   ELAINE: *How* do you get fired from a volunteer job?   GEORGE: I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me!   JERRY: Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy. He's a mean, mean guy.   ELAINE: I wish I could quit...   JERRY: So quit!   GEORGE: Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.   (Kramer and Newman come in, albums in hand)   KRAMER: Well, here's your *albums* [Journey "Escape" is on top, BTW...]   JERRY: What happened?   NEWMAN: Five dollars. He offered us *five* dollars.   KRAMER: Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening to? You *embarrassed* me at that store.   NEWMAN: That guy thought we were a couple of total squares.   JERRY: Oh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*...   KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America!   (Elaine relieves herself of the conversation by going to the bathroom)   JERRY: Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away: Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson, Benny Goodman...   KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out??   JERRY: Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them and he said yeah.   KRAMER: Okay...   NEWMAN: [In Kramer's ear] The old coot's sittin' on a mountain of gold!   KRAMER: Yeah...   JERRY: But you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin' them all.   KRAMER: Yeah, but you've gotta come with us.   JERRY: Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this house keeper he's got. She's from Senegal [and, ala Carson] Wild, Wild, Stuff...   (George peeks up from the magazine he's reading on the couch)   GEORGE: Senegal?    [At Mr. Fields' apartment, George is helping the housekeeper put away some groceries. He takes this time to get to know her better]   GEORGE: So you don't speak *any* English at all?   HOUSEKEEPER: English? No.   SID: Hey, what are those bums doin' back there?   JERRY: Well you said they could come and take the records.   SID: It's like watchin' a couple of hyenas goin' through the garbage.   GEORGE: You don't speak *any* English?   HOUSEKEEPER: No English.   GEORGE: I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body. [No reaction] You don't understand! It's a miracle! You don't understand because you don't speak English!   JERRY: So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is--   SID: Hey, I don't like what's goin' on around here. I want all you bums outta here.   KRAMER: Now calm down, Mr. Fields...   SID: Now don't tell me to calm down... Get your hands off of me! Why you little...   KRAMER: Oooow! He's biting me!   (Kramer's defense mechanism kicks in and when he rips his arm away from Sid's jaws of death, something flies away from the scrum)   SID: My teeth! My teeth!   JERRY: Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth!   GEORGE: I thought I saw something fly over here...   JERRY: Well turn the light on...   (George flicks the light switch by the kitchen sink)   JERRY: That's the garbage disposal!   SID: My teeth! You idiots!!!   (The boys decide to take Sid to the dentist to get new teeth, or something but on the way to the cab, somebody forgot to stay with Mr. Fields. They go back to find him, but they can't, apparently.)    [Cut to Mrs. Oliver's place where Elaine is sitting, bored out of her skull through a very pedestrian conversation. She keeps mumbling to herself throughout Mrs. Oliver's story]   MRS. O: And we would take long automobile trips--   ELAINE: Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun...   MRS. O: Staring out the window--   ELAINE: Uh huh...   MRS. O: You'd see a long view of rolling pastures and--   ELAINE: Well, that'll get you goin' right there...   MRS. O: Big, roaming cows--   ELAINE: Cows, well that's fascinating...   MRS. O: That's when I began my affair with Mohandas.   ELAINE: What?   MRS. O: Mohandas.   ELAINE: Ghandhi?   MRS. O: Oh, the *passion*. The *forbidden pleasure*--   ELAINE: You had an affair with Ghandhi? MRS. O: He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body. Here, look... [shows Elaine a picture of the two together]   ELAINE: Oh, my God... The Mohatma?    [Meanwhile, back at Bleeker Bob's, er, I mean, Ron's on Bleeker, Kramer and Newman have brought Ron the clerk "something decent".]   RON: Twenty bucks.   NEWMAN: Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your mind?   RON: Well, take it or leave it.   NEWMAN: Take it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson* here, *Al Jolson*!!   RON: Now what the Hell do I care about Al Jolson. I'd just assume her you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh...   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap...   NEWMAN: You are nothing but a piece of crap.   RON: Pardon me?   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] A piece of crap...   NEWMAN: A piece of crap.   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I find you extremely ugly...   NEWMAN: I find you extremely ugly.   RON: *Do* you?   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] You emit a foul and unpleasant odour...   NEWMAN: You emit a foul and unpleasant odour.   RON: Oh, is that right?   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I *loathe* you...   NEWMAN: I *loathe* you.   RON: That's it. Get out of my store!   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] Make us.   NEWMAN: Make us!   RON: Oh, I'll make you!   (As Ron jumps the counter to get at the boys, we cut to Jerry's apartment where it seems he is being lectured)   AGENCY REP: Do you realize how irresponsible this is? Our agency's sole purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation.   JERRY: Yes, but--   (buzzer)   JERRY: [Into intercom] Yes?   TIM: It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son.   JERRY: Alright, c'mon up.   JERRY: [To Rep] I dunno what happened, we were just trying to take him to the dentist.   AGENCY REP: Why were you taking him to the dentist?   JERRY: Um, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage disposal--   AGENCY REP: What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal?   JERRY: Well, after he bit my friend--   AGENCY REP: Bit your friend?!  % Tim comes into the apartment to temporarily get Jerry off the hook.   TIM: What the *Hell* is going on here? How do you *lose* a human being?!   JERRY: I, I'm sorry.   TIM: And who were these other people. What were they doing in the apartment!?   JERRY: Well, I brought them up there to take his records--   TIM: Take his *records*? Do you realize how valuable that record collection is?    [Kramer and Newman come into the apartment.]   KRAMER: Hey.   JERRY: There you are. Did you find him?   KRAMER: No, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's and he tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight.   NEWMAN: It was a real melee.   KRAMER: Yeah, a real brouhaha...   (They inform all that the records are broken, but before Tim can get *really* out of control, they try to call Mr. Fields at home, but the line is busy, so they go to his apartment figuring he must be home. As they all get there, they come upon a rather)   (Scene of George on couch with the maid rubbing oil on his head.)    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 58 - The Old Man  pc: 418, season 4, episode 18  Broadcast date: February 18, 1993   Written by Bruce Kirschbaum  Story by Larry Charles  Directed by Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Bill Erwin ............................. Sid  Tobin Bell ............................ Ron  Robert Donley .................... Ben  Lanei Chapman ................... Housekeeper  Victoria Dillard .................... Agency Rep  Jerry Hauck ........................ Tim  rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman   ==================================================================   [Open at Monk's, with Jerry & George just sittin' around. Jerry is reading the paper while George reflects on things]   GEORGE: Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?   JERRY: Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll *all* be over...   GEORGE: Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English.   JERRY: Yeah, how about a mute?   GEORGE: A mute would be good.   JERRY: Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?   GEORGE: This is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute.   (George quickly shifts into deep philosophical mode. Jerry remains pedestrian on the issue, still reading the paper.)   GEORGE: I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry, there's a void...   JERRY: A deep, yawning chasm...   GEORGE: There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?   JERRY: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.   (Elaine enters and greets George & Jerry cheerfully.)   ELAINE: Hey boys!   JERRY: Hey! How you doin'?   ELAINE: Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start tomorrow.   GEORGE: Start what?   ELAINE: I signed up to do volunteer work with senior citizens.   GEORGE: *Really*.   ELAINE: Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! I mean, I feel *so* *good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I haven't even met the woman yet.   GEORGE: Volunteer work, huh?   JERRY: What're you gonna do down there?   ELAINE: Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and, I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and it's supposed to make them feel good.   JERRY: That's what I do with him [points at George]   (George gives Jerry that "Oh, ha-ha... it is to laugh" look and probes Elaine further (no, that's not a euphemism for those who are wondering.)   GEORGE: When did you get this idea?   ELAINE: Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going *on* and *on* and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak English.   JERRY: What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me?   GEORGE: And... and anybody can do this?   ELAINE: Yup.   GEORGE: Helping people... Of course. Of course! It makes perfect sense! How could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit!   ELAINE: [To Jerry] What about you?   JERRY: Nah, it's not for me.   ELAINE: Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you.   GEORGE: What *kind* of a person are you?   JERRY: I think I'm pretty much like you-- only successful.    [We skip forward to the apartment where a representative from the senior citizens office is giving George & Jerry their information sheets on their volunteer cases.]   AGENCY REP: This is a wonderful thing you're doing. They're so grateful just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that everyone who participates finds the experience extremely rewarding.   GEORGE: Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin' like a good person.   AGENCY REP: Good luck.   JERRY: Thank you.   (The rep leaves and George & Jerry compare information sheets)   GEORGE: Hey, what's your guy's name again?   JERRY: Fields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old. *87*. How about your guy?   GEORGE: Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that age?   JERRY: *We*? No.   (Enter Kramer)   KRAMER: So what's up, Diggity Dog?   JERRY: George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.   KRAMER: Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you.   JERRY: What're you talkin' about?   KRAMER: Oh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you!   JERRY: What?   KRAMER: It's a *con*. These agencies are usually a front for some money laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out of their life savings, oh *yeah*.   JERRY: Where do you *get* this?   KRAMER: The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth.   (Before Kramer can get too far into his tale, a commotion is going on outside the door at Kramer's apartment. Someone's knockin' on his door.)   NEWMAN: Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!?   KRAMER: I'm in here. C'mon...   JERRY: Hello, *Newman*...   NEWMAN: Jerry, George. [To Kramer] So, did you ask him about the records?   KRAMER: Well--   JERRY: What records?   KRAMER: Well, Newman and I are going partners selling used records.   (Kramer and Newman do what I can only assume is some sort of Secret Hand Shake (like the Moose lodge).)   NEWMAN: You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used records!   KRAMER: Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know, old-fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around--   KRAMER: Y'know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge.   (Before Jerry issues a response, George needs his curiousity satisfied.)   GEORGE: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?   NEWMAN: I'm a United States postal worker.   GEORGE: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?   NEWMAN: Sometimes...   JERRY: Why *is* that?   NEWMAN: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!!   (Newman is restrained by the boys, but on the bright side, Jerry has allowed Kramer & Newman to take whatever records they want from his bedroom. We shift to the record shop, but the sign says "Bleeker Bob's Records" (Continuity alert! Continuity alert!) The clerk (presumably Ron) files through Kramer & Newman's stash carefully and somehow comes to his total without a calculator)   RON: I'll give you five bucks.   KRAMER: Five bucks???   NEWMAN: Well, you know how much those records are worth!?   RON: Yeah, I do... Fi' dollars.   NEWMAN: Those records are worth more than five dollars!   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] He's gyppin' us...   NEWMAN: You're gyppin' us!   RON: Well, whattya got here, y'know, you got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes, now come on...   KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has a cult following.   NEWMAN: They follow him like a cult.   KRAMER: He can't even walk down the street in South America...   RON: Look, that's his problem, alright? Now you don't like it, too bad.   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I don't like it...   NEWMAN: I don't like it.   RON: Well, then get the Hell out of my store, alright? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money.   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] Alright, well be back, jack.   NEWMAN: Alright, well be back... *jack*!    [At the home of Sid Field, Sid sits in an armchair while his housekeeper answers the door. Sid is not the jolly fellow one might associate with someone of his mellowing years]   JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.   HOUSEKEEPER: Agency?   JERRY: Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence?   HOUSEKEEPER: Sid Fields.   (The Housekeeper points over to the E-Z Chair where Sid is sitting. He welcomes Jerry into his home.)   SID: What the *Hell* is it?   JERRY: Mr. Fields?   SID: What!?!   JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.   SID: Agency? What agency? The *CIA*?   JERRY: No, no, the--   SID: Who let you in here?   JERRY: The woman, she--   SID: Oh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...   JERRY: Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you.   SID: Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud, you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? [Jerry gets out card]   JERRY: No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm--   SID: I can't read that you fool...   (Jerry is in the pocket and he's in trouble. Attempting to avoid the sack he scrambles and picks another topic to switch to. There are a couple of piles of records on top of the TV. Jerry asks about them.)   JERRY: What's all this stuff?   SID: Trash. Garbage.   JERRY: You're throwin' this out??   SID: I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot.   (You can make out the albums pretty clearly. One is an apparent K-Tel "classic": "22 Explosive Hits", I don't know the other one. Anyone? I believe "The Beatles" (The White Album) is there also.)   JERRY: You don't want any of this?   SID: Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, *Ein-stein*.   JERRY: You know I have some friends who would really like to have these.   SID: Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not going to give it to my family.   (They've bonded. Just like in all those buddy-cop movies. This seemingly non-compatible couple have found common ground. They've reached each other)   JERRY: Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee...   SID: With you? I'd rather be dead.   JERRY: Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an appointment to get my, um, tonsils out.   SID: Good. Thank God. Good riddance. [pause] Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!!    [At Monk's, George and his charge enjoy a bowl of soup over some, er, light conversation.]   BEN: No, I feel great for 85.   GEORGE: Y'know the average life span for an American male is like, 72. You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there.   BEN: I'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think about it.   GEORGE: You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it at my age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. All I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane...   BEN: I'm grateful for every moment I have.   GEORGE: Grateful? How can you be grateful when you're *so* close to the end? When you know that any second-- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all be over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on the wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake...   BEN: I guess I just don't care.   GEORGE: What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any *sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?!   (Ben gets up to leave)   GEORGE: Wait a second, where are you going?   BEN: Life's too short to waste on you.   GEORGE: Wait a minute, please--   BEN: Get out of my way...   (As Ben shoves George out of the way, all of a sudden you just *have* to feel a tinge of pain in your heart as you realize George realizes he won't be able to talk to Ben anymore)   GEORGE: But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me for the soup...    [The apartment of Elaine's senior citizen. It's very dark in the apartment.]   ELAINE: Mrs. Oliver?   MRS. O: Yes my dear.   (Elaine looks around the room, trying to find Mrs. Oliver. She pans around and wham-o!! She sees that Mrs. Oliver has a rather, er, um, unsightly physical problem (to put it mildly)   ELAINE: Ooh!   MRS. O: What's the trouble? Are you alright?   ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.   MRS. O: It's my goiter, isn't it?   ELAINE: Did you say goiter? What goiter?   MRS. O: This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck.   ELAINE: Oh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... Whaddya know...   MRS. O: Does it bother you?   ELAINE: Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like that bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um, in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you want to know something? I, I wish I had one. [pause] Really.    [At Jerry's apartment, the kids compare notes on their visits.]   JERRY: C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter...   ELAINE: I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there: "Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* has a second head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.   JERRY: They really should mention that in the breakdown: height, weight, goiter.   ELAINE: Y'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but this is too much to ask.   JERRY: Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to.   ELAINE: Hey Georgie, what happened with your guy?   GEORGE: I don't think it's gonna work out...   JERRY: Whattya mean?   GEORGE: He fired me.   JERRY: He fired you?!?   ELAINE: *How* do you get fired from a volunteer job?   GEORGE: I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me!   JERRY: Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy. He's a mean, mean guy.   ELAINE: I wish I could quit...   JERRY: So quit!   GEORGE: Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.   (Kramer and Newman come in, albums in hand)   KRAMER: Well, here's your *albums* [Journey "Escape" is on top, BTW...]   JERRY: What happened?   NEWMAN: Five dollars. He offered us *five* dollars.   KRAMER: Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening to? You *embarrassed* me at that store.   NEWMAN: That guy thought we were a couple of total squares.   JERRY: Oh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*...   KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America!   (Elaine relieves herself of the conversation by going to the bathroom)   JERRY: Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away: Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson, Benny Goodman...   KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out??   JERRY: Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them and he said yeah.   KRAMER: Okay...   NEWMAN: [In Kramer's ear] The old coot's sittin' on a mountain of gold!   KRAMER: Yeah...   JERRY: But you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin' them all.   KRAMER: Yeah, but you've gotta come with us.   JERRY: Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this house keeper he's got. She's from Senegal [and, ala Carson] Wild, Wild, Stuff...   (George peeks up from the magazine he's reading on the couch)   GEORGE: Senegal?    [At Mr. Fields' apartment, George is helping the housekeeper put away some groceries. He takes this time to get to know her better]   GEORGE: So you don't speak *any* English at all?   HOUSEKEEPER: English? No.   SID: Hey, what are those bums doin' back there?   JERRY: Well you said they could come and take the records.   SID: It's like watchin' a couple of hyenas goin' through the garbage.   GEORGE: You don't speak *any* English?   HOUSEKEEPER: No English.   GEORGE: I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body. [No reaction] You don't understand! It's a miracle! You don't understand because you don't speak English!   JERRY: So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is--   SID: Hey, I don't like what's goin' on around here. I want all you bums outta here.   KRAMER: Now calm down, Mr. Fields...   SID: Now don't tell me to calm down... Get your hands off of me! Why you little...   KRAMER: Oooow! He's biting me!   (Kramer's defense mechanism kicks in and when he rips his arm away from Sid's jaws of death, something flies away from the scrum)   SID: My teeth! My teeth!   JERRY: Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth!   GEORGE: I thought I saw something fly over here...   JERRY: Well turn the light on...   (George flicks the light switch by the kitchen sink)   JERRY: That's the garbage disposal!   SID: My teeth! You idiots!!!   (The boys decide to take Sid to the dentist to get new teeth, or something but on the way to the cab, somebody forgot to stay with Mr. Fields. They go back to find him, but they can't, apparently.)    [Cut to Mrs. Oliver's place where Elaine is sitting, bored out of her skull through a very pedestrian conversation. She keeps mumbling to herself throughout Mrs. Oliver's story]   MRS. O: And we would take long automobile trips--   ELAINE: Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun...   MRS. O: Staring out the window--   ELAINE: Uh huh...   MRS. O: You'd see a long view of rolling pastures and--   ELAINE: Well, that'll get you goin' right there...   MRS. O: Big, roaming cows--   ELAINE: Cows, well that's fascinating...   MRS. O: That's when I began my affair with Mohandas.   ELAINE: What?   MRS. O: Mohandas.   ELAINE: Ghandhi?   MRS. O: Oh, the *passion*. The *forbidden pleasure*--   ELAINE: You had an affair with Ghandhi? MRS. O: He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body. Here, look... [shows Elaine a picture of the two together]   ELAINE: Oh, my God... The Mohatma?    [Meanwhile, back at Bleeker Bob's, er, I mean, Ron's on Bleeker, Kramer and Newman have brought Ron the clerk "something decent".]   RON: Twenty bucks.   NEWMAN: Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your mind?   RON: Well, take it or leave it.   NEWMAN: Take it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson* here, *Al Jolson*!!   RON: Now what the Hell do I care about Al Jolson. I'd just assume her you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh...   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap...   NEWMAN: You are nothing but a piece of crap.   RON: Pardon me?   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] A piece of crap...   NEWMAN: A piece of crap.   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I find you extremely ugly...   NEWMAN: I find you extremely ugly.   RON: *Do* you?   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] You emit a foul and unpleasant odour...   NEWMAN: You emit a foul and unpleasant odour.   RON: Oh, is that right?   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I *loathe* you...   NEWMAN: I *loathe* you.   RON: That's it. Get out of my store!   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] Make us.   NEWMAN: Make us!   RON: Oh, I'll make you!   (As Ron jumps the counter to get at the boys, we cut to Jerry's apartment where it seems he is being lectured)   AGENCY REP: Do you realize how irresponsible this is? Our agency's sole purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation.   JERRY: Yes, but--   (buzzer)   JERRY: [Into intercom] Yes?   TIM: It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son.   JERRY: Alright, c'mon up.   JERRY: [To Rep] I dunno what happened, we were just trying to take him to the dentist.   AGENCY REP: Why were you taking him to the dentist?   JERRY: Um, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage disposal--   AGENCY REP: What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal?   JERRY: Well, after he bit my friend--   AGENCY REP: Bit your friend?!  % Tim comes into the apartment to temporarily get Jerry off the hook.   TIM: What the *Hell* is going on here? How do you *lose* a human being?!   JERRY: I, I'm sorry.   TIM: And who were these other people. What were they doing in the apartment!?   JERRY: Well, I brought them up there to take his records--   TIM: Take his *records*? Do you realize how valuable that record collection is?    [Kramer and Newman come into the apartment.]   KRAMER: Hey.   JERRY: There you are. Did you find him?   KRAMER: No, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's and he tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight.   NEWMAN: It was a real melee.   KRAMER: Yeah, a real brouhaha...   (They inform all that the records are broken, but before Tim can get *really* out of control, they try to call Mr. Fields at home, but the line is busy, so they go to his apartment figuring he must be home. As they all get there, they come upon a rather)   (Scene of George on couch with the maid rubbing oil on his head.)    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 58 - The Old Man  pc: 418, season 4, episode 18  Broadcast date: February 18, 1993   Written by Bruce Kirschbaum  Story by Larry Charles  Directed by Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Bill Erwin ............................. Sid  Tobin Bell ............................ Ron  Robert Donley .................... Ben  Lanei Chapman ................... Housekeeper  Victoria Dillard .................... Agency Rep  Jerry Hauck ........................ Tim  rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman   ==================================================================   [Open at Monk's, with Jerry & George just sittin' around. Jerry is reading the paper while George reflects on things]   GEORGE: Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?   JERRY: Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll *all* be over...   GEORGE: Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English.   JERRY: Yeah, how about a mute?   GEORGE: A mute would be good.   JERRY: Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?   GEORGE: This is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute.   (George quickly shifts into deep philosophical mode. Jerry remains pedestrian on the issue, still reading the paper.)   GEORGE: I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry, there's a void...   JERRY: A deep, yawning chasm...   GEORGE: There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?   JERRY: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.   (Elaine enters and greets George & Jerry cheerfully.)   ELAINE: Hey boys!   JERRY: Hey! How you doin'?   ELAINE: Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start tomorrow.   GEORGE: Start what?   ELAINE: I signed up to do volunteer work with senior citizens.   GEORGE: *Really*.   ELAINE: Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! I mean, I feel *so* *good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I haven't even met the woman yet.   GEORGE: Volunteer work, huh?   JERRY: What're you gonna do down there?   ELAINE: Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and, I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and it's supposed to make them feel good.   JERRY: That's what I do with him [points at George]   (George gives Jerry that "Oh, ha-ha... it is to laugh" look and probes Elaine further (no, that's not a euphemism for those who are wondering.)   GEORGE: When did you get this idea?   ELAINE: Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going *on* and *on* and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak English.   JERRY: What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me?   GEORGE: And... and anybody can do this?   ELAINE: Yup.   GEORGE: Helping people... Of course. Of course! It makes perfect sense! How could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit!   ELAINE: [To Jerry] What about you?   JERRY: Nah, it's not for me.   ELAINE: Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you.   GEORGE: What *kind* of a person are you?   JERRY: I think I'm pretty much like you-- only successful.    [We skip forward to the apartment where a representative from the senior citizens office is giving George & Jerry their information sheets on their volunteer cases.]   AGENCY REP: This is a wonderful thing you're doing. They're so grateful just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that everyone who participates finds the experience extremely rewarding.   GEORGE: Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin' like a good person.   AGENCY REP: Good luck.   JERRY: Thank you.   (The rep leaves and George & Jerry compare information sheets)   GEORGE: Hey, what's your guy's name again?   JERRY: Fields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old. *87*. How about your guy?   GEORGE: Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that age?   JERRY: *We*? No.   (Enter Kramer)   KRAMER: So what's up, Diggity Dog?   JERRY: George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.   KRAMER: Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you.   JERRY: What're you talkin' about?   KRAMER: Oh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you!   JERRY: What?   KRAMER: It's a *con*. These agencies are usually a front for some money laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out of their life savings, oh *yeah*.   JERRY: Where do you *get* this?   KRAMER: The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth.   (Before Kramer can get too far into his tale, a commotion is going on outside the door at Kramer's apartment. Someone's knockin' on his door.)   NEWMAN: Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!?   KRAMER: I'm in here. C'mon...   JERRY: Hello, *Newman*...   NEWMAN: Jerry, George. [To Kramer] So, did you ask him about the records?   KRAMER: Well--   JERRY: What records?   KRAMER: Well, Newman and I are going partners selling used records.   (Kramer and Newman do what I can only assume is some sort of Secret Hand Shake (like the Moose lodge).)   NEWMAN: You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used records!   KRAMER: Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know, old-fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around--   KRAMER: Y'know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge.   (Before Jerry issues a response, George needs his curiousity satisfied.)   GEORGE: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?   NEWMAN: I'm a United States postal worker.   GEORGE: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?   NEWMAN: Sometimes...   JERRY: Why *is* that?   NEWMAN: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!!   (Newman is restrained by the boys, but on the bright side, Jerry has allowed Kramer & Newman to take whatever records they want from his bedroom. We shift to the record shop, but the sign says "Bleeker Bob's Records" (Continuity alert! Continuity alert!) The clerk (presumably Ron) files through Kramer & Newman's stash carefully and somehow comes to his total without a calculator)   RON: I'll give you five bucks.   KRAMER: Five bucks???   NEWMAN: Well, you know how much those records are worth!?   RON: Yeah, I do... Fi' dollars.   NEWMAN: Those records are worth more than five dollars!   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] He's gyppin' us...   NEWMAN: You're gyppin' us!   RON: Well, whattya got here, y'know, you got "Don Ho: Live At Honolulu", you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got Sergio Mendes, now come on...   KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has a cult following.   NEWMAN: They follow him like a cult.   KRAMER: He can't even walk down the street in South America...   RON: Look, that's his problem, alright? Now you don't like it, too bad.   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I don't like it...   NEWMAN: I don't like it.   RON: Well, then get the Hell out of my store, alright? You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money.   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] Alright, well be back, jack.   NEWMAN: Alright, well be back... *jack*!    [At the home of Sid Field, Sid sits in an armchair while his housekeeper answers the door. Sid is not the jolly fellow one might associate with someone of his mellowing years]   JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.   HOUSEKEEPER: Agency?   JERRY: Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence?   HOUSEKEEPER: Sid Fields.   (The Housekeeper points over to the E-Z Chair where Sid is sitting. He welcomes Jerry into his home.)   SID: What the *Hell* is it?   JERRY: Mr. Fields?   SID: What!?!   JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.   SID: Agency? What agency? The *CIA*?   JERRY: No, no, the--   SID: Who let you in here?   JERRY: The woman, she--   SID: Oh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...   JERRY: Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you.   SID: Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud, you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? [Jerry gets out card]   JERRY: No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm--   SID: I can't read that you fool...   (Jerry is in the pocket and he's in trouble. Attempting to avoid the sack he scrambles and picks another topic to switch to. There are a couple of piles of records on top of the TV. Jerry asks about them.)   JERRY: What's all this stuff?   SID: Trash. Garbage.   JERRY: You're throwin' this out??   SID: I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot.   (You can make out the albums pretty clearly. One is an apparent K-Tel "classic": "22 Explosive Hits", I don't know the other one. Anyone? I believe "The Beatles" (The White Album) is there also.)   JERRY: You don't want any of this?   SID: Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, *Ein-stein*.   JERRY: You know I have some friends who would really like to have these.   SID: Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not going to give it to my family.   (They've bonded. Just like in all those buddy-cop movies. This seemingly non-compatible couple have found common ground. They've reached each other)   JERRY: Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee...   SID: With you? I'd rather be dead.   JERRY: Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an appointment to get my, um, tonsils out.   SID: Good. Thank God. Good riddance. [pause] Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!!    [At Monk's, George and his charge enjoy a bowl of soup over some, er, light conversation.]   BEN: No, I feel great for 85.   GEORGE: Y'know the average life span for an American male is like, 72. You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there.   BEN: I'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think about it.   GEORGE: You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it at my age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. All I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane...   BEN: I'm grateful for every moment I have.   GEORGE: Grateful? How can you be grateful when you're *so* close to the end? When you know that any second-- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all be over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on the wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake...   BEN: I guess I just don't care.   GEORGE: What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any *sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?!   (Ben gets up to leave)   GEORGE: Wait a second, where are you going?   BEN: Life's too short to waste on you.   GEORGE: Wait a minute, please--   BEN: Get out of my way...   (As Ben shoves George out of the way, all of a sudden you just *have* to feel a tinge of pain in your heart as you realize George realizes he won't be able to talk to Ben anymore)   GEORGE: But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me for the soup...    [The apartment of Elaine's senior citizen. It's very dark in the apartment.]   ELAINE: Mrs. Oliver?   MRS. O: Yes my dear.   (Elaine looks around the room, trying to find Mrs. Oliver. She pans around and wham-o!! She sees that Mrs. Oliver has a rather, er, um, unsightly physical problem (to put it mildly)   ELAINE: Ooh!   MRS. O: What's the trouble? Are you alright?   ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.   MRS. O: It's my goiter, isn't it?   ELAINE: Did you say goiter? What goiter?   MRS. O: This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck.   ELAINE: Oh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... Whaddya know...   MRS. O: Does it bother you?   ELAINE: Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like that bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um, in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you want to know something? I, I wish I had one. [pause] Really.    [At Jerry's apartment, the kids compare notes on their visits.]   JERRY: C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter...   ELAINE: I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there: "Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* has a second head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.   JERRY: They really should mention that in the breakdown: height, weight, goiter.   ELAINE: Y'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but this is too much to ask.   JERRY: Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to.   ELAINE: Hey Georgie, what happened with your guy?   GEORGE: I don't think it's gonna work out...   JERRY: Whattya mean?   GEORGE: He fired me.   JERRY: He fired you?!?   ELAINE: *How* do you get fired from a volunteer job?   GEORGE: I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me!   JERRY: Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy. He's a mean, mean guy.   ELAINE: I wish I could quit...   JERRY: So quit!   GEORGE: Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.   (Kramer and Newman come in, albums in hand)   KRAMER: Well, here's your *albums* [Journey "Escape" is on top, BTW...]   JERRY: What happened?   NEWMAN: Five dollars. He offered us *five* dollars.   KRAMER: Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening to? You *embarrassed* me at that store.   NEWMAN: That guy thought we were a couple of total squares.   JERRY: Oh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*...   KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America!   (Elaine relieves herself of the conversation by going to the bathroom)   JERRY: Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away: Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson, Benny Goodman...   KRAMER: Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out??   JERRY: Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them and he said yeah.   KRAMER: Okay...   NEWMAN: [In Kramer's ear] The old coot's sittin' on a mountain of gold!   KRAMER: Yeah...   JERRY: But you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin' them all.   KRAMER: Yeah, but you've gotta come with us.   JERRY: Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this house keeper he's got. She's from Senegal [and, ala Carson] Wild, Wild, Stuff...   (George peeks up from the magazine he's reading on the couch)   GEORGE: Senegal?    [At Mr. Fields' apartment, George is helping the housekeeper put away some groceries. He takes this time to get to know her better]   GEORGE: So you don't speak *any* English at all?   HOUSEKEEPER: English? No.   SID: Hey, what are those bums doin' back there?   JERRY: Well you said they could come and take the records.   SID: It's like watchin' a couple of hyenas goin' through the garbage.   GEORGE: You don't speak *any* English?   HOUSEKEEPER: No English.   GEORGE: I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body. [No reaction] You don't understand! It's a miracle! You don't understand because you don't speak English!   JERRY: So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is--   SID: Hey, I don't like what's goin' on around here. I want all you bums outta here.   KRAMER: Now calm down, Mr. Fields...   SID: Now don't tell me to calm down... Get your hands off of me! Why you little...   KRAMER: Oooow! He's biting me!   (Kramer's defense mechanism kicks in and when he rips his arm away from Sid's jaws of death, something flies away from the scrum)   SID: My teeth! My teeth!   JERRY: Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth!   GEORGE: I thought I saw something fly over here...   JERRY: Well turn the light on...   (George flicks the light switch by the kitchen sink)   JERRY: That's the garbage disposal!   SID: My teeth! You idiots!!!   (The boys decide to take Sid to the dentist to get new teeth, or something but on the way to the cab, somebody forgot to stay with Mr. Fields. They go back to find him, but they can't, apparently.)    [Cut to Mrs. Oliver's place where Elaine is sitting, bored out of her skull through a very pedestrian conversation. She keeps mumbling to herself throughout Mrs. Oliver's story]   MRS. O: And we would take long automobile trips--   ELAINE: Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun...   MRS. O: Staring out the window--   ELAINE: Uh huh...   MRS. O: You'd see a long view of rolling pastures and--   ELAINE: Well, that'll get you goin' right there...   MRS. O: Big, roaming cows--   ELAINE: Cows, well that's fascinating...   MRS. O: That's when I began my affair with Mohandas.   ELAINE: What?   MRS. O: Mohandas.   ELAINE: Ghandhi?   MRS. O: Oh, the *passion*. The *forbidden pleasure*--   ELAINE: You had an affair with Ghandhi? MRS. O: He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over my body. Here, look... [shows Elaine a picture of the two together]   ELAINE: Oh, my God... The Mohatma?    [Meanwhile, back at Bleeker Bob's, er, I mean, Ron's on Bleeker, Kramer and Newman have brought Ron the clerk "something decent".]   RON: Twenty bucks.   NEWMAN: Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your mind?   RON: Well, take it or leave it.   NEWMAN: Take it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson* here, *Al Jolson*!!   RON: Now what the Hell do I care about Al Jolson. I'd just assume her you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh...   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap...   NEWMAN: You are nothing but a piece of crap.   RON: Pardon me?   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] A piece of crap...   NEWMAN: A piece of crap.   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I find you extremely ugly...   NEWMAN: I find you extremely ugly.   RON: *Do* you?   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] You emit a foul and unpleasant odour...   NEWMAN: You emit a foul and unpleasant odour.   RON: Oh, is that right?   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] I *loathe* you...   NEWMAN: I *loathe* you.   RON: That's it. Get out of my store!   KRAMER: [In Newman's ear] Make us.   NEWMAN: Make us!   RON: Oh, I'll make you!   (As Ron jumps the counter to get at the boys, we cut to Jerry's apartment where it seems he is being lectured)   AGENCY REP: Do you realize how irresponsible this is? Our agency's sole purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation.   JERRY: Yes, but--   (buzzer)   JERRY: [Into intercom] Yes?   TIM: It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son.   JERRY: Alright, c'mon up.   JERRY: [To Rep] I dunno what happened, we were just trying to take him to the dentist.   AGENCY REP: Why were you taking him to the dentist?   JERRY: Um, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage disposal--   AGENCY REP: What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal?   JERRY: Well, after he bit my friend--   AGENCY REP: Bit your friend?!  % Tim comes into the apartment to temporarily get Jerry off the hook.   TIM: What the *Hell* is going on here? How do you *lose* a human being?!   JERRY: I, I'm sorry.   TIM: And who were these other people. What were they doing in the apartment!?   JERRY: Well, I brought them up there to take his records--   TIM: Take his *records*? Do you realize how valuable that record collection is?    [Kramer and Newman come into the apartment.]   KRAMER: Hey.   JERRY: There you are. Did you find him?   KRAMER: No, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's and he tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight.   NEWMAN: It was a real melee.   KRAMER: Yeah, a real brouhaha...   (They inform all that the records are broken, but before Tim can get *really* out of control, they try to call Mr. Fields at home, but the line is busy, so they go to his apartment figuring he must be home. As they all get there, they come upon a rather)   (Scene of George on couch with the maid rubbing oil on his head.)    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 39 - The Parking Space  pc: 322, season 3, episode 22  Broadcast date: April 22, 1992   Written by: Larry David and Greg Daniels  Directed By Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Lee Arenberg ...................... Mike Moffit  Jay Brooks ........................... Sid  Maryedith Burrell ............... Maryedith  Shannon Cochran .............. Sheila  Zachary Charles ................. Angry Man  Michael A. Costanza .......... Truck Driver  Mik Scriba ............................ Cop #1  Stan Sellers ........................... Cop #2  John Christian Graas .......... Matthew  Peggy Lane O'Rourke ........ Bystander #1  Steven Marcus Gibbs .......... Bystander #2  rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman   ==================================================================   [Opening monologue]   At parking lots now they have these 'compact car only' spots, isn't that discrimination against the size of your car? If I want my ass hanging out of the back of my parking spot, that's my business. There are people out there with real asses hanging out of their pants, nobody's stopping them. Nobody goes, "Hey, hold it, sir. Those are compact jeans, you can't pull that in there."    [Jerry is in his apartment, Kramer enters.]   KRAMER: Hey. I got some bad news for you, buddy. I think your car got stolen again.   JERRY: What are you talking about?   KRAMER: Well you parked it on eighty-fourth and Columbus, right?   JERRY: Yeah.   KRAMER: Yep, well I just walked by there and that car is gone.   JERRY: Oh yeah, I know.   KRAMER: Well, where is it?   JERRY: What's the difference?   KRAMER: Well, there's no difference, you know, I'm just curious.   JERRY: You always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?   KRAMER: What happened to the car?   JERRY: If I don't tell you it will kill you, won't it?   KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, it'll kill me.   JERRY: You have to know, you must know.   KRAMER: I must know.   JERRY: Well, I'm not telling you.   KRAMER: Oh, come on.   JERRY: Nope. I don't think so.   KRAMER: Well, please?   JERRY: Not today, pal.   KRAMER: Okay, I beg you.   JERRY: Now see? Just saying beg doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta put some beg into it.   KRAMER: Okay, please! Please tell me!   JERRY: Alright, I'll tell you, but your begging needs a lot of work.   KRAMER: Okay, okay, what is it? Come on.   JERRY: I loaned the car to George.   KRAMER: Ah, George, alright. Well, what for?   JERRY: George and Elaine went to a flea market in Westchester, okay?!   KRAMER: Alright.   JERRY: Huh?   KRAMER: Huh. I mean, what do they want to go there for?   JERRY: Will you stop it already?!   KRAMER: You know, why didn't they ask me to go?   JERRY: I don't know! How am I supposed to know?!   KRAMER: What, they don't like me?   JERRY: *I* don't like you!   KRAMER: If they like me, why don't they ask me to go? Oh yeah.     [George and Elaine are in Jerry's car. George is wearing a new hat.]   GEORGE: I really think it looks good.   ELAINE: Ten bucks, how can you go wrong?   GEORGE: All bald people look good in hats.   ELAINE: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men wore hats all the time then.   GEORGE: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.   ELAINE: Well, you can wear a hat all the time now. Who's stopping you?   GEORGE: No, I can't. What if I meet a woman? I'd always be worried about that first moment where I'd take it off and see that look of disappointment on her face.   ELAINE: Are you sure you like these sunglasses?   Elaine moves the rear view mirror so she can check out her sunglasses and this causes George to swerve and hit something.    [Cut back to Kramer and Jerry at Jerry's apartment.]   KRAMER: Well I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know I'm somebody you don't want to have on your bad side.   JERRY: Why not?   KRAMER: Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems. (notices some snacks on the table) Oh, is this for the fight?   JERRY: Yep. (checks watch) Starts in thirty-five minutes.   (Kramer and Jerry start 'sparring'.)   KRAMER: Oh hey, you know I invited Mike Moffit. You don't mind, do you?   JERRY: No, I like Mike.   KRAMER: Yeah, I just got off the phone with him, you know we had a great conversation.   JERRY: Oh yeah? What did you talk about?   KRAMER: Well actually we talked about you. Yeah. He had some pretty interesting things to say.   JERRY: Oh yeah? What did he say?   KRAMER: You have to know everything, don't you?   JERRY: No, come on, Kramer. What did he say?   KRAMER: Why is that? Why do you have to know everything?   JERRY: Kramer, just tell me what the guy said.   KRAMER: Beg me.   JERRY: Please, don't make me beg.   KRAMER: No no no, I want you to beg me. And I don't want you to say it, I just want you to put some beg into it. Go on.   JERRY: Kramer, please tell me what the guy said.   KRAMER: No no no, that's no good. No, I really don't think that's a beg. No, it's close, but uh...   JERRY: Kramer!   KRAMER: Look, I can't say anything. You know, the guy told me the stuff in confidence, I'd be betraying a friend.   JERRY: Well you can't just mention it and then not tell me.   KRAMER: Alright. I'll tell you but you can't say anything to him.   JERRY: I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the vault, it's a vault!   KRAMER: He thinks you're a phony.   JERRY: He what?   KRAMER: I told you, he thinks you're a phony.   JERRY: A phony? He called me a phony?   KRAMER: A big phone. A big one.   JERRY: Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything?!   KRAMER: You begged me.    [Cut back to Elaine and George in Jerry's car, the car is now making a clanking noise.]   GEORGE: Do you hear that?   ELAINE: Of course I hear that.   GEORGE: You had to move the mirror?   ELAINE: I wanted to check out my sunglasses.   GEORGE: I went to look in the mirror, it wasn't there. You threw off my equilibrium.   ELAINE: Oh yeah, blame it on me because you can't drive, George.   GEORGE: I can't drive?   ELAINE: Yeah.   GEORGE: Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on. Wanna see me make a right turn from the left lane? Watch this.   ELAINE: No, I really don't.   GEORGE: And I can make a left turn from the right lane too.   ELAINE: I'm sure you could.   GEORGE: What are we gonna tell Jerry about the car?   ELAINE: I don't know.   GEORGE: Alright, start looking for spaces.   ELAINE: Oh, you're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block, just put it in a garage.   GEORGE: Look, I have my system. First I look for the dream spot right in front of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.   ELAINE: Oh come on, George, please put it in a garage. I don't want to spend an hour looking for a space.   GEORGE: I can't park in a garage.   ELAINE: Why?   GEORGE: I don't know, I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking, it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking; my mother, my brother, nobody. We can't do it.   ELAINE: I'll pay for it.   GEORGE: You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free? (he hears a horn honking) What? What do you want? Go around me, I'm looking for spaces.   ELAINE: (pointing backwards) Oh George, there's a space right there!   GEORGE: (putting the car in reverse) Oh beautiful! Look at that, the dream space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come true, what did I tell you?   ELAINE: You didn't even have to take it out to dinner.   (They share a laugh.)   GEORGE: Alright, now you're gonna see some parallel parking. (spitting into his hands and rubbing them together) How I wish you could make a living parallel parking. (turning around in his seat) It's all geometry, knowing all the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, that's the key.   ELAINE: Will you just park it already?   GEORGE: There's nothing I can even impart to you, that's the sad thing. It's so inborn, I can't pass it on. (begins backing into the space) Look at this guy. Are you crazy, what are you doing?! Hey! Hey, you're stealing my space!   ELAINE: George, wait, you don't know who this guy is, people kill for a parking space in this city.   GEORGE: No no no, he's not getting away with this.   ELAINE: George?   (George gets out of the car to confront the other driver.)   GEORGE: Hey, what are you doing?   MIKE: I think I'm parking my car.   GEORGE: You can't do that, you can't just sneak in from the back like that.   MIKE: I'm not sneaking. I didn't even know you were parking, you were just sitting there three spaces up.   GEORGE: Well if you didn't think I was parking, why did you put it in head first?   MIKE: Well that's the way I park. Anyway, you didn't start backing in until I pulled in.   GEORGE: I was in the middle of a conversation.   MIKE: Hey, buddy, what can I tell you?   GEORGE: The point is I was here first.   MIKE: I was closer to this space than you were.   GEORGE: But I'm backing in! You can't put it in head first!   MIKE: I can if I have room!   GEORGE: Are you gonna move the car?   MIKE: No, I'm not gonna move the car.   GEORGE: Jerk!   MIKE: Oh, you're not?   GEORGE: Do you believe this guy?   ELAINE: Come on, we'll put it in a garage.   GEORGE: I am not putting it in a garage, it's my space.   ELAINE: What are you gonna do, you just gonna leave it here like this? Uh. I'm going upstairs.   GEORGE: Are you coming back down?   ELAINE: Yeah, I gotta tell Jerry we're here. I gotta go to the bathroom.   GEORGE: Alright, just make sure he reserves the good chair for me. Wait, what are you gonna tell him about the clanking noise in the car?   ELAINE: Me? No no no, you. You're gonna tell him. I'm not gonna tell- Noo.   GEORGE: Oh, come on, you're good at this.   ELAINE: What am I gonna say?   GEORGE: I don't know, I don't know, you'll think of something.   (Elaine heads upstairs. Mike honks his horn, George honks his in retaliation.)    [Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is moving chairs, Elaine bursts in.]   ELAINE: Oh god, I need a drink, do you got any Hennigan's here?   JERRY: Yeah, under the counter. What happened?   ELAINE: Oh god. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible what we just went through on the way home. (pouring a big shot of scotch) You wouldn't believe it. (pushing a bag of chips off the counter)   JERRY: (bending down to pick up the chips) Tell me what happened.   ELAINE: (after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted and pretending to have downed it) Okay. Now listen. We were at the toll booth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then we payed the toll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow us, alright?! So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like a souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George is such a great driver.   JERRY: He is?   ELAINE: Oh, he is fantastic! And then they fired a gun right up in the air.   JERRY: A gun?!   ELAINE: I think it was a gun. And then they followed us all the way into the city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went home.   JERRY: My god, are you okay?   ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, I'm alright. Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole and now it's making a clanking noise.   JERRY: Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that, that's the important thing.   ELAINE: Exactly.   JERRY: Where's George now?   ELAINE: Oh, he's out in front of the building. He's arguing with some guy about a parking space.   JERRY: What are you talking about?   ELAINE: Look out the window, you'll see.   JERRY: (leaning out the window) Hey Georgie!   GEORGE: Hey!   JERRY: Are you okay?   GEORGE: Yeah, I'm fine.   JERRY: Crazy kids, huh?   GEORGE: What?   ELAINE: (desperate to distract Jerry) Ow!! (Jerry looks over) It's my cuticle.   MIKE: Is that Jerry? Jerry?!   JERRY: Oh, hey Mike.   GEORGE: What, you know Jerry?   MIKE: Yeah, I know Jerry.   GEORGE: How do you know him?   MIKE: What's the difference?   GEORGE: Because I know him too, and probably a lot better than you.   MIKE: Well, bully for you. Hey, Jerry! You know your friend here's a real piece of work!   JERRY: I'm coming down.   MIKE: Hey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside?   GEORGE: What, you know Kramer?!   (Kramer walks into Jerry's apartment.)   ELAINE: Hi.   KRAMER: (acting standoffish) Hello.   JERRY: Hey, your friend Mike's outside, he wants to talk to you.   KRAMER: (out the window) Hey, Mike! Come on up, the fight's almost starting!   GEORGE: And you're watching the fight at Jerry's?   MIKE: Yeah.   GEORGE: Oh great.   ELAINE: You know that guy downstairs?   JERRY: Yeah, he's a real phony.   KRAMER: What's going on?!   MIKE: Hey, will you come on down? This guy's in my space!   GEORGE: It's my space!   KRAMER: I'll be down in a minute.   ELAINE: Are you going down?   KRAMER: Yeah.   ELAINE: Is anything wrong?   KRAMER: (leaving) Why should anything be wrong?   ELAINE: (heading for the bathroom) Be down in a minute.   (Jerry grabs his jacket and walks out the door.)   MIKE: Hey pal, you're not getting that space. I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to.   GEORGE: I'll die out here.   (Two bystanders are discussing the incident. )   BYSTANDER #1: He was down there. Once he passed his front bumper, it's no longer his space.   BYSTANDER #2: No, it doesn't matter. He was-   MIKE: Hey! Jerry! Long time no see!   JERRY: Hi Mike. (Noticing George's fedora) Indiana.   MIKE: Hey Krame! You know this guy?   KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, I know him.   MIKE: (to Jerry) You're looking tremendous. What are you on some kind of regimen?   JERRY: Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too much so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another fifteen percent.   MIKE: (laughing way too loud and hard) Ha ha ha ha!!! That's killer! Killer! I love that! Ha ha ha!!! You gotta use that, that's a definite!! Ha ha ha!!!   GEORGE: Oh, come on.   MIKE: Hey! Your friend here has some real problems.   GEORGE: Me? You see what he did here, you see how he tried to sneak into my space?   MIKE: Hey, just 'cause I went in front first doesn't mean I'm sneaking in.   GEORGE: You only went in front first 'cause you saw me backing up and you didn't have room to parallel park!   MIKE: I only went in front first 'cause I could make it in front first and if you pull out I'll show you!   GEORGE: You've got a prayer.   KRAMER: I go in front first all the time.   JERRY: Front first, that's how you park when you're pulling a bank job.   (Elaine shows up and pulls George aside.)   GEORGE: Did you talk to him?   ELAINE: Yeah, it's all taken care of.   GEORGE: You told him? What did you tell him?   ELAINE: I did a number on him, it was a thing of beauty, you really had to have been there to appreciate it.   GEORGE: I don't believe it, what did you say?   ELAINE: I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and they followed us into the city.   GEORGE: A pack of teenagers?   ELAINE: Yeah, by the time I got to the end of the story, he was to relieved that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car.   GEORGE: You are a genius, it's as simple as that.   ELAINE: What can I say, you know? It's a gift. I only wish I could teach it but, you know it's inborn.   (Elaine and George rejoin the others.)   KRAMER: By the way, thanks a lot for inviting me to the flea market.   ELAINE: What?   KRAMER: Yeah, Jerry, he told me all about it.   GEORGE: Oh great.   JERRY: I didn't know.   ELAINE: Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny.   GEORGE: Well I didn't know you wanted to go to the flea market.   MIKE: A flea market? You went to a flea market??   GEORGE: Hey, who's talking to you?   ELAINE: We just didn't think of you.   KRAMER: You said it, sister.   GEORGE: What? Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody I know and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing?   (People forget. Look at "Home Alone". They forgot.)   GEORGE: Great move, telling him, by the way, real smart move.   JERRY: I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything!   GEORGE: Judgement, Jerry, judgement! You exercised no judgement.   JERRY: You're right. My fault.   ELAINE: Kramer? I'm so sorry, really.   GEORGE: Yeah, I'm sorry.   KRAMER: I'm sorry, I don't care for that sorry.   GEORGE: What was wrong with that sorry? It was a good sorry. Jerry, was that a good sorry?   JERRY: It was a so-so sorry.   (A delivery truck pulls up and honks. The driver leans out of the cab.)   TRUCK DRIVER: Hey! Move this car, I gotta get through!   GEORGE: You heard the man. I guess you gotta be moving your car.   MIKE: And like you're not gonna just back it in if I do that?   TRUCK DRIVER: Well somebody better move something soon! I got a truck full of ice cream here!   ELAINE: You see, they had to move the cars so the truck could get through, right? But these guys don't trust each other so they got these two nonpartisan drivers to move them.   JERRY: Wild pack of teenagers, huh?   GEORGE: Yeah.   JERRY: Amazing how they picked you, out of everyone, to terrorize.   ELAINE: Yeah. I know, I said to myself, 'Why us?' You remember?   GEORGE: Uh huh.   JERRY: Sounds like you did some pretty nifty maneuvering,   GEORGE: Well, you know, It's interesting, you know, under that pressure, what you're capable of.   ELAINE: Right.   GEORGE: I learned a lot about myself.   JERRY: What did you do to my car?!   GEORGE: I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated.   ELAINE: Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.   JERRY: I thought you said you were a good driver!   GEORGE: No no, I never said I was a good driver, I said I was a good parker.   JERRY: I think you said driver.   GEORGE: Parker, I never said driver, I said parker, a great parker.   MIKE: Will you move it up a little bit?   GEORGE: No no no, that's in the right position.   MIKE: No no, I was further in.   GEORGE: No you weren't. Stop there, that's fine.   MIKE: Do you mind?   GEORGE: Do you?   SID: Hey, somebody better move these cars, you're making a commotion.   JERRY: Hey Sid.   MIKE: Who are you?   SID: Never mind who I am. I know who I am. Do you know who you are? (to George) Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything gets disrupted and disjointed?   GEORGE: Sid, it's completely his fault.   MIKE: Oh, right.   SID: Why don't you start taking the bus?   JERRY: Okay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm putting it in a garage. The fight's starting in two minutes.   GEORGE: Don't do it!   JERRY: What are we gonna do, stay out here all night?   GEORGE: Yes! I'm not giving him the satisfaction, it's my space.   ELAINE: Why don't you just flip a coin already?   GEORGE: No no, this is a matter of principle. That would just be saying that anybody could just pull into any parking space any way they want. Well I'm making a stand here. I'm saying *no* to head first parking. I'm not putting up with that. We put up with too much crap in this city, we're not putting up with head first parking.   ELAINE: You know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting there pontificating about what a great parker you were, you might have got the space.   GEORGE: So you're against me now?   (An old man and Matthew, the boy who's father owns the 'fat free' frozen yogurt store, are discussing the incident.)   ANGRY MAN: He could have pulled up to the car and backed in, but he chose to go in head first.   MATTHEW: No he couldn't, because the other car was already backing in.   ANGRY MAN: No he wasn't.   MATTHEW: All that matters is who was there first.   ANGRY MAN: Ahh, you're not even old enough to drive, you little puke.   MATTHEW: You just spit on me!   ANGRY MAN: Don't you raise your voice to me!   MATTHEW: You're not my father.   JERRY: Hey Matthew.   MATTHEW: Hi Jerry. This guy's really a jerk.   JERRY: How ya doing?   MATTHEW: Okay.   JERRY: Hey, how's your father? I hear he's closing his store.   MATTHEW: What?!   JERRY: Oh no, nothing.   MATTHEW: What's happened to daddy? He's going out of business?   JERRY: No, no, no, no.   MATTHEW: We're not going to have any money? We're out of money?   JERRY: No, of course not, of course not!   MATTHEW: Mommy!? Jerry says daddy's closing the store. He's going out of business. We don't have any money?   MARYEDITH: Jerry?! What's the matter with you?   JERRY: I didn't--   MARYEDITH: (to Kramer) Boy, I don't know about your friend, Jerry. He says some pretty stupid things sometimes.   KRAMER: Oh, congratulations.   MARYEDITH: What for?   KRAMER: Well, you're pregnant.   MARYEDITH: What?   KRAMER: You're not pregnant?   MARYEDITH: No, I'm not pregnant.   KRAMER: Are you sure you're not pregnant?   MARYEDITH: Yes, I'm sure!   KRAMER: That's weird.   MARYEDITH: Come on, Matthew.   MATTHEW: No.   MARYEDITH: Come on, Matthew!   KRAMER: I thought she was pregnant.   JERRY: (to Elaine) Hey, do you think I'm phony?   ELAINE: What?   JERRY: Mike thinks I'm a phony.   ELAINE: He thinks you're a phony?   JERRY: Yeah, but I can't say anything because Kramer wasn't supposed to tell me.   ELAINE: Oh, you have to say something.   JERRY: I can't, I told Kramer I was vaulting it.   ELAINE: You gotta open the vault.   JERRY: Open my vault?   ELAINE: Open your vault.   JERRY: Once I open the vault, it ceases to be a vault.   ELAINE: You have no choice.   JERRY: Oy ga-vault.   Newman: (to Kramer) You wanna know why you can't go in front first? I'll tell you why. because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It reduces us to jungle law.   (George begins applauding.)   KRAMER: When can you park head first?   NEWMAN: Never.   MIKE: What are you asking this guy for?   NEWMAN: Who's talking to you?   GEORGE: He's right. never.   MIKE: Oh yeah? What if you got ten car lengths? You have to pull all the way up to the front car?   NEWMAN: Well, I suppose if you got ten car lengths.   GEORGE: When do you ever have ten car lengths?   KRAMER: What about Sundays and holidays?   GEORGE: Oh please.   (A passerby (Sheila) stops and asks George)   SHEILA: What's going on here?   GEORGE: Oh, this guy tried to sneak into my space.   SHEILA: I really hate people who do that. I hope you don't let him get away with it.   GEORGE: Well, thank you for your support.   SHEILA: Hey, that's a great hat.   GEORGE: Really? You like it? I got it at a flea market today.   NEWMAN: Hey George, nice hat.   GEORGE: Yeah, thanks.   NEWMAN: Can I try it on?   GEORGE: No! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you.   NEWMAN: Well sure it would.   GEORGE: No! Get out of here, Newman.   NEWMAN: Come on, let me try it on.   GEORGE: No, Newman, stop it.   SHEILA: Let him try it on.   GEORGE: I don't want him to!   SHEILA: What is wrong with you?   GEORGE: You wanna see?! (pulling off the hat to reveal the bald pate) There! There it is! (turning to Newman) Alright, here! You wanna try on the hat?! Here! Try on the hat!   NEWMAN: Stop it, George, stop it. I was defending your parking.   GEORGE: Alright, just keep the hat!   JERRY: Alright, that's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs, who's coming? Elaine?   ELAINE: It depends on who's going. (to George) Are you going?   KRAMER: I'm not going if he's going.   NEWMAN: Me either.   GEORGE: I'm not going if he's going.   MIKE: Well I'm going.   JERRY: Well if he's going then I'm not going.   NEWMAN: But it's your house.   JERRY: I still don't have to go.   ELAINE: Well I don't want to go if Jerry's not going.   MIKE: Why won't you go if I go?   JERRY: Why? I'll tell you why.   KRAMER: No. Don't, Jerry.   JERRY: Like you didn't call me a phony?   MIKE: What? (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good! Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.   JERRY: Use it in a sentence.   MIKE: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. (to Kramer) Why'd you tell him?!?   KRAMER: He begged me.   MIKE: He begged you?!   JERRY: Alright, come on. Who wants to watch the fight?   (Two police officers walk up.)   COP #1: Okay, who's cars are these? Let's move 'em. Let's go.   GEORGE: Officer, could I just explain something to you?   COP #1: Hey. Let's go or I'm gonna write both of you a ticket in about two minutes.   GEORGE: Officer, he can't pull in head first.   MIKE: Officer, he backed up from down the street. He was double-parked, he was  sitting there.   COP #1: Alright, you move your car. It's his space, you can't go in head  first.   COP #2: Wait a second. Why can't he go in head first? He said the guy was just sitting over there.   COP #1: What are you talking about? This guy was here first.   COP #2: But he didn't take it.   COP #1: Hey, it's his space.   COP #2: No, it's his space.    [Cut to Jerry entering his apartment, George and Mike can be heard arguing through the window]   GEORGE: Well, you're gonna have to go to the bathroom!   MIKE: Well, you're gonna have to go to work!   GEORGE: I don't have a job!   MIKE: Neither do I!   (Jerry closes the window, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote and turns on the TV.)   REFEREE: Seven... Eight... Nine... Ten. *ding*   (Jerry falls over and hides his face in the couch cushion.)    [Closing monologue]   People will kill each other for a parking space in New York because they think, 'If I don't get this one, I may never get a space.' You know? 'I'll be circling for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons.' I think because everyone in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. It's like Musical Chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. The problem is car manufacturers are building hundreds of thousands of new cars every year, they're not making any new spaces. That's what they should be working on. Wouldn't that be great? You go to the Auto Show, they got that big revolving turntable, and there's nothing on it. New from Chrysler, a space.    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 79 - The Pie  pc: 515, season 5, episode 15  Broadcast date: February 17, 1994   Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross  Directed by Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Suzanne Snyder  ................. Audrey  Christine Dunford .............. Saleswoman  Reni Santoni   ..................... Poppie  Lane Davies  ...................... MacKenzie  Mark Beltzman  ................. Bob  Sunday Theodore ............. Olive  Sam Lloyd   ....................... Ricky  Paul Mantee   .................... Health Inspector  Patricia Belcher  ................. Woman #1  Pamela Mant   .................... Woman #2  Bernard Hocke  ................. Guy in Diner  Eamonn Roche  .................. Waiter  Robert Kino  ...................... Ricky's Boss  Tony Edwards  .................. Businessman     ==================================================================   [Opening Monologue]   JERRY: Aren't mannequins an insult to your imagination? You couldn't possibly visualize a sweater so we'll show you on this life size snotty puppet. I guess when they finish with them they become crash test dummies. That's the end of the line for a mannequin. "What ever happened to Bob?" "Have you seen that new Volvo commercial? He's got a bulls eye right in his face." Mannequins are only used for car accidents and fashion, I guess these are the two situations that it's impossible for us to imagine ourselves. Well dressed or getting killed. I'm sure there is some pro-mannequin organization that doesn't even like you to use the term mannequin. "Hey they're not mannequins, they're the life deprived."    [Monk's coffee shop, evening]    (Jerry and his date, Audrey, are sitting at a booth having dinner)    AUDREY: Hum! That was really good!    JERRY: Yeah. are you full?    AUDREY: Oh no, I've had just enough.    (Waitress brings dessert)    JERRY: Ah, here we go... apple pie! Best apple pie in the city. (Jerry starts eating) Mmm, delicious. I'm not waiting for you. Take some.    AUDREY: No thanks.    JERRY: You're not gonna have any?    AUDREY: No (with a disgusted face)    JERRY: Do you not like apple pie?    AUDREY: No, it's not that.    JERRY: Well, at least taste it.    AUDREY: No (a resolute "no")    JERRY: You won't even taste it?    AUDREY: No.    JERRY: Come on, try it! (Audrey shakes her head doing "no") A little taste! (still shaking) Come on. (still shaking)    (scene ends)     [Jerry's appartment, the next day]    (Jerry and George)    JERRY: She wouldn't so much as taste it.   GEORGE: Did she say why?    JERRY: No. She wouldn't say anything. She just kept shaking her head like this (Imitating Audrey)    GEORGE: Maybe she's diabetic.    JERRY: No. She carries Entemanns doughnuts in her purse.    GEORGE: Maybe you said something that offended her.    JERRY: The only thing I can think of is I told her we should have those moving walkways all over the city.    GEORGE: Like at the airport? (getting excited)    JERRY: Yeah.    GEORGE: That's a great idea!!!    JERRY: Tell me about it!    GEORGE: We could be zipping all over the place.    JERRY: They could at least try it.    GEORGE: They never try anything.    JERRY: What's the harm?    GEORGE: No harm!    (Elaine enters)    JERRY: (still talking to George) I'm sorry. There's no reason for her not to taste that pie.    ELAINE: Who wouldn't taste a pie?    JERRY: Audrey.    ELAINE: Dump her.    JERRY: Boy, I never broke up with anyone for not tasting pie???    ELAINE: (piffling) I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie.    JERRY: You did?    ELAINE: He could be eating a gyro, he wouldn't offer me anything. It's a sickness.    GEORGE: Well, I can't walk anywhere now. I'm just gonna be wishing there were walkways. (seeing Elaine removing her shoe) What are you doing?    ELAINE: I got a pebble.    JERRY: Boy, I never heard of that happening to a woman?    ELAINE: What the hell does that mean?    (Kramer enters)    KRAMER: Hey! Elaine. Go Like this. (imitating a mannequin posture)    ELAINE: What? Why?    KRAMER: Do it. Do it. This.    ELAINE: Like... (doing it) Like this?    KRAMER: Oh yeah! It's you!    ELAINE: What's me?    KRAMER: (to the gang) There's a clothing store downtown. They got a mannequin in there that looks exactly like Elaine.    ELAINE: Get out!    KRAMER: It's uncanny! It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, and screwed you back all together again, and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite.    GEORGE: Kramer, what's the name of the store with the mannequin?    KRAMER: Rinitze. (he takes Jerry's spatula and starts rubbing his back with it) Oh yeah...    JERRY: (to Kramer) Uh... may I help you? (wondering what the hell's Kramer doing)    KRAMER: It's this itch. I was watching TV without my shirt on, and one my couch cushions didn't have any fabric on it.    GEORGE: Wait a minute, Rinitze? Don't they have somme really cool suits in there?    KRAMER: Real Boss!    ELAINE: I'm going down there.    GEORGE: I'm gonna go with you. I gotta get a new suit. I got a second interview with MacKenzie, and I think I'm really close. They're all taking me out to lunch on Friday.    ELAINE: (grabbing George by the arm, hurried to leave) Let's go.    GEORGE: All right. All right. (They both leave)    KRAMER: (leaving too, with the spatula) Are you gonna need this?    JERRY: Keep it. (implied: please)    (scene ends)     [Rinitze]    (George and Elaine stares at the mannequin)    ELAINE: It looks exactly like me.    GEORGE: It's like some pod landed from another planet and took your body. Don't fall asleep Elaine.    ELAINE: What's going on here? How do you think this happened?    GEORGE: Whoa, look at this. This is a beautiful suit. Huh?    ELAINE: You think that could be a coincidence George? Is that possible?    (the saleswoman approaches George as he's trying the suit)    SALESWOMAN: (european accent) You are perfect for that suit.    GEORGE: You think so?    ELAINE: (to the saleswoman) Excuse me. Where did this come from?    SALESWOMAN: I don't know.    GEORGE: You really think this looks O.K. on me?    SALESWOMAN: Fabulous. Perfect fit. And it's the last one we have.    ELAINE: I'm sorry. You can't tell me where the mannequin came from?    SALESWOMAN: I told you, I don't know.    ELAINE: (irritated, but still polite) Well, is there somebody around here I could talk to who would know?    SALESWOMAN: Why?    ELAINE: Isn't it obvious? This mannequin looks exactly like me.    (saleswoman rolls her eyes at George about Elaine)    ELAINE: (upset) Did you just roll your eyes at him? Because let me tell you something, if anobody should be rolling their eyes, it is me at him about you.    SALESWOMAN: I think maybe you're flattering yourself. That mannquein is wearing a twelve hundred dollar Gaultier dress.    (George is looking at himself in the mirror and doesn't care about their dispute)    ELAINE: What are you saying, that I'm not good enough for this hideous dress? (looking at her name tag) Listen Natasha... I wouldn't be caught dead wearing your crummy little euro-trash rags. (to George) I'll meet you outside.    (Elaine leaves and waits outside)    SALESWOMAN: What is her problem?    GEORGE: Ah, Pfft! What can you do? (looking at a tag on the suit) Is this the price tag?    SALESWOMAN: Yes.    GEORGE: Yes, hello. Party's over. (taking off the suit)    SALESWOMAN: I'll tell you a little secret. We're having an unadvertised sale starting Friday, that suit will be half-price.    GEORGE: So you think you can put the suit aside and hold it for me?    SALESWOMAN: Oh, I'm afraid I could't do that. It wouldn't be fair to the other customers.    GEORGE: Oh yes, of course, and we have to be fair. (placing the suit further away in the rack)    (scene ends)     [Monk's]    (Jerry, Elaine and Kramer at a booth)    ELAINE: So, I found out who supplies the mannequins and I called 'em up.    KRAMER: Well, how did they get your face?    ELAINE: I don't know. They wouldn't tell me. (Jerry is not listening, he's looking at two women sitting in the other booth) Jerry? Je... Hello?    JERRY: (Jerry gets up and walk to these persons) Uh... Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice you offered her a piece of your pie.    WOMAN 1: That's right.    JERRY: And you waved it away.    WOMAN 2: Right.    JERRY: Did you give her a reason?    WOMAN 2: Yes, I was full.    JERRY: You were full. So you gave a reason. You didn't just shake your head.    WOMAN 2: No, I'm not a psycho.    JERRY: Exactly. You're not a psycho. You've been very helpful. Thank you very much. Allow me to leave the tip. (sits back with Elaine and Kramer) Well, I think we proven who the psycho is.    ELAINE: We certainly have.    KRAMER: Hey, Elaine scratch my back.    ELAINE: No way!    KRAMER: Come on, one lap around.    ELAINE: No.    KRAMER: It will be a funky adventure.    ELAINE: Kramer, forget it.    KRAMER: Jerry, how about you?    JERRY: I think you know my policy.    KRAMER: I'm going home to spatula. (picks up the check and walks to the cashier)    ELAINE: I thought George was meeting us here?    JERRY: No he's going downtown to guard the suit.    ELAINE: He's guarding a suit?    OLIVE: (the cashier; to Kramer) Do you need some help with that itch?    KRAMER: Madam, I pray you're not toying with me. (Olive shows her long finger nails) Whoa.    OLIVE: Turn around.    KRAMER: Oh, all right. (Olive scratches, Kramer enjoys, Elaine and Jerry watch.)    (scene ends)     [Rinitze]    SALESWOMAN: (makes a guy trying the suit) It fits you perfectly.    BOB: You think so? (she nods and walks away)    GEORGE: (outside, looking the guy trying the suit through the window, and thinking out loud) What's this? Can't I leave this place for a second? (goes in, take off his jacket, walks to the guy and talks to him with an european accent) Can I help you?    BOB: I'm buying the suit.    GEORGE: No, no, no, this suit is not for sale. (tries to take off the suit from the guy)    BOB: Excuse me, do you work here?    GEORGE: (leaving the european accent) No. (laughs)   BOB: Then what the hell business is it of yours?    GEORGE: Look, I'm doing you a favor. They're having an unadvertised sale. This suit is gonna be half-priced starting ... Monday.    BOB: Really?    GEORGE: Yea Yea Yea   BOB: This Monday?    GEORGE: Yes. Now take off those pants.    SALESWOMAN: Actually, the unadvertised sale starts on Friday.    BOB: Friday? Thanks. (Gives a dirty look at George and leaves)    GEORGE: (to the saleswoman) You know honey for an unadvertised sale, you're doing a lot of yapping about it.    (she starts undressing mannequin Elaine, and George acts like he's really seeing Elaine naked)    (scene ends)     [Poppie's restaurant]    (Jerry and Audrey are sitting at a table, and Jerry looks at the menu)    JERRY: I can't beleive your father owns this place. So how are the desserts here?    AUDREY: Everything is delicious.    JERRY: You've tasted them?    AUDREY: Um-hmm, I think almost all of them.    JERRY: Oh I see they have apple pie.    AUDREY: Mmm-hmm.    JERRY: You've had the apple pie?    AUDREY: Many times.    JERRY: Audrey, I got to be honest with you. I'm a very curious guy. It's my nature. I need to know things. Not tasting the apple pie the other day, I can't get past it. You obviously like pies. You carry doughnuts in your bag, you're not averse to pastry. Surely you could see how such a thing would prey on my mind.    AUDREY: Can we drop this?    JERRY: (like a frustrated child) Why can't I know?    (Poppie comes to the table)    AUDREY: Ah! Poppie.    POPPIE: Sweetheart, hello.    AUDREY: Poppie, this is Jerry.    POPPIE: Welcome (shakes Jerry's hand)    JERRY: Hello Poppie.    POPPIE: Don't fill up on the bread. I'm making you a very special dinner. Very special. (he leaves)    JERRY: The pies. I'm going to the bathroom. You know. (he leaves)     [Poppie's Restaurant: Bathroom]   (Jerry and Poppie in the bathroom. Jerry washes his hands while Poppie flushes and gets out of the stall)    POPPIE: Ah, Jerry! Tonight you in for a real treat. I'm personnaly going to prepare the dinner for you and my Audrey.    (He zips up and leaves without washing his hands. Jerry notices it very shocked)     (Poppie's Restaurant]   (back at the table with Audrey, Jerry can see Poppie in the kitchen with his hands in the dough, making dinner)    AUDREY: Jerry are you OK?    JERRY: Huh?    AUDREY: Is anything wrong?    JERRY: No, Nothing.    AUDREY: You look like you've seen a ghost.    (Jerry can't talk and he's staring at Poppie's hands. Poppie smiles and winks at him)    (scene ends)     [Monk's]    OLIVE: (to another cashier) I'll see you tomorrow.    (Kramer enters with flowers)    KRAMER: Hey. These are for you Olive.    OLIVE: Thank you.    (They leave and she starts scratching Kramer's back)    KRAMER: Ohh!    (scene ends)     [Poppie's]    (Poppie serves dinner)    POPPIE: Here it is.    AUDREY: Wait till you taste this. (she eats) Poppie, this is perfect.    POPPIE: (to Jerry) Well?    AUDREY: Jerry have some. (Jerry shakes his head doing "no") You're not gonna taste it? (still shaking) Jerry. (still shaking)    (scene ends)     [Jerry's appartment]    (Jerry and George eating cereal sitting on the couch)    JERRY: So she tought I did it to get back at her    GEORGE: Why didn't you just tell her?    JERRY: I don't think that's the kind of thing you wanna hear about your father. But I'll tell you when he came out of that bathroom and he was kneading that dough, it was a wild scene.    GEORGE: How could he not have washed?    JERRY: Even if you're not gonna soap up, at least pretend for my benefit. Turn the water on, do something.    GEORGE: Yeah, just like I do.    JERRY: You know a chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help, he wants to get caught.    GEORGE: Well, I think Poppie's got some problems. There's a whole other thing going on with Poppie. So how did you leave it?    JERRY: We haven't spoken.    (Kramer enters holding the spatula)    KRAMER: Well, I'm not gonna need this anymore. I got Olive. (Jerry throws out the spatula)    GEORGE: Olive?    KRAMER: Yeah. My lady friend down at Monks.    GEORGE: Oh.   KRAMER: You guys ought to see the way she works her nails across my back. Ohh! She's a maestro. The crisscross. The figure eight, strummin' the ol' banjo, and this wild, savage free-for-all where anything can happen.    GEORGE: I got to get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes.    KRAMER: Is that Elaine mannequin still there?    GEORGE: Yeah.    KRAMER: Yeah.   GEORGE: The last time I saw her, she was naked.    JERRY: Yeah, and Poppie's got problems...    (scene ends)     [Rinitze]    (The saleswoman unlock the door's entrance where Bob is waiting. He rushes inside and George enters after him slowly and confident. Bob can't find the suit on the rack. George walks to a different rack.)    BOB: Where is it? Where is it?    GEORGE: (George takes out the suit from the other rack) Well, look at this. (innocently) This doesn't belong here! Someone has made a terrible mistake.    BOB: You bastard! You hid the suit.    GEORGE: Hid? I have no idea how this suit got misplaced. Nevertheless, I do believe I shall purchase it.    BOB: I hope you rot in that suit. Look I'm gonna get you for this. I don't know how, but I'm gonna get you. You are going to pay!    GEORGE: Oh, I'll pay. Half-price. Arrivederci my fellow 40-short.    (scene ends)     [Monks]    (Jerry and Elaine at a booth)    ELAINE: So I made a little list of people who might've made the mannequin. You know, possible suspects.    JERRY: Yeah, all right. Go ahead. (not very interested)    ELAINE: There's this blind guy at a party I was at, and he felt my face for a really long time. You know, to see what I looked like. He almost put his finger up my nose.    JERRY: (very disinterested) Hum... ok, what else you got?    ELAINE: OK, I'm not gonna tell you the rest of the list.    JERRY: Oh, because I didn't think the blind guy did it?    ELAINE: Because you have an attitude.    (George enters wearing his new suit, parading and snapping his fingers)    JERRY and ELAINE: Oh!    JERRY: Georgio! Nice duds!    GEORGE: You're telling me. (he walks around and the suit makes a swooshing sound) So, what do you think?    JERRY: Did you hear something?    ELAINE: Yeah, like a swoosh.    JERRY: Yeah.    ELAINE: (feels the fabric) It must be the fabric. It's rubbing between you thighs when you walk. That's what's making that swooshy sound.    (George walks back and forth to verify and it swooshes again)    GEORGE: I probably didn't hear it on the way over because of the street noise. (he panics) This is no good! I got to meet these guys from MacKenzie for lunch in half an hour!    JERRY: So what? What would they care?    GEORGE: This MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut. Someone told me he fired the last guy because his nose whistled when he breathed.    JERRY: So you think you're not gonna get the job because your pants make a noise?    GEORGE: Let's say it comes down to me and one other guy. He's got a nice quiet suit, and I'm whooshing all over the place! Who do you think he's gonna hire?    JERRY: You know, I think all these interviews are making you nuts.    (Kramer comes back from the bathroom)    KRAMER: Hey Jerry, I saw your girlfriend was in here before.    JERRY: Audrey?    KRAMER: Yep. Sat down, had herself a piece of pie.    JERRY: Was it apple?    KRAMER: What else?    JERRY: This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel!    (a stranger stops and looks at Elaine)    STRANGER: Do I know you?    ELAINE: Hmm... No you don't.    STRANGER: Yeah! You were wearing a G-string and one of those bras with points.    ELAINE: The mannequin!    JERRY: Oh, I got to see this thing.    (scene ends)     [Rinitze]    (Jerry and Elaine enter and see the mannequin getting spanked by another mannequin)    JERRY: Boy, the resemblance is uncanny.    (Elaine goes to the saleswoman)    ELAINE: You think you can pose me however you want? That's my ass in your window!    SALESWOMAN: It's our store and our mannequin, we can do whatever we want with it.    ELAINE: No! You take that mannequin down right now, or I'm pressing charges. (Jerry goes along) Yes, this is my attorney.    SALESWOMAN: (to Jerry) Yeah? What law am I breaking?    JERRY: Well, I believe there's some legal precedent - Winchell vs. Mahoney,    ELAINE: Uh-huh    JERRY: The Charlie Macarthy hearings.    ELAINE: Uh-huh. Are you taking this down?    SALESWOMAN: I'm getting the manager. (she leaves)    ELAINE: Jerry get the car. (she's getting the mannequin)    JERRY: What are you doing?    ELAINE: Just get the car!    JERRY: Elaine, as your legal counsel I must advise against this.    (They get out with the mannequin)    (scene ends)     [Jerry's car]    (Jerry and Elaine are sitting in the car with the mannequin between them. Jerry looks at the two Elaines beside him.)    JERRY: I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for some doublemint gum. Alright, I'm dropping you off at work, right?    ELAINE: Where are you going?    JERRY: Poppie's    (scene ends)     [a restaurant]    (George with MacKenzie and two other businessmen are walking to a table)    MACKENZIE: Thanks for meeting me down here George. My office is out of control, (George's pants are making noise) phones ringing, people running in and out. (MacKenzie stops talking and walking, George too) Did you hear something?    GEORGE: No, I didn't hear anything.    MACKENZIE: Huh, that's strange. (they start walking again) It's quieter here. We can concentrate without people wooshing around... (he stops again, George too) That sound again. Sure you didn't hear anything?    GEORGE: No, can't say as I did.    MACKENZIE: Kind of like a... rustling.    GEORGE: Could be the leaves...    (scene ends)     [Poppie's]    (Audrey talks to a client on the phone)    AUDREY: That's right. Poppie's on 77th. Ok we'll see you at 8:00. Bye-bye.    JERRY: Hello.    AUDREY: What are you doing here?    JERRY: So how was the pie?    AUDREY: What pie?    JERRY: The apple pie you had today at Monks    AUDREY: I'm very busy here.    JERRY: Pretty good, wasn'it? I told you you should've tasted it.    AUDREY: You better not let Poppie see you here.    (a man in a coat, a Health Inspector, comes to Audrey)    HEALTH INSPECTOR: All right, I'm looking for someone named Poppie.    AUDREY: Uh, who are you?    HEALTH INSPECTOR: Board of health, we've had several complaints.    JERRY: Oh, about the... uh (Jerry pretend to wash his hands)    HEALTH INSPECTOR: Are you Poppie?    POPPIE: I'm Poppie.    HEALTH INSPECTOR: I think you'd better come with me.    POPPIE: What's the problem?    (Poppie leaves with the Health Inspector)    AUDREY: What do they want from Poppie?    JERRY: Well, Poppie's a little sloppy.    (scene ends)     [at the restaurant with MacKenzie]    (everybody's laughing at the table)    MACKENZIE: You taught I'd care about your pants wooshing?    GEORGE: I heard the last guy got fired because his nose whislted.    MACKENZIE: No, no, no. He got fired because he wasn't a team player. That's something we don't joke about at MacKenzie. You'll find we're team here George. We don't tolerate dissent. If you want to go your own way, you're in the wrong place.    GEORGE: No problem there. Conformity is an obsession with me.    (The waiter brings dessert)    WAITER: Chocolate cream pie. Compliments of the house.    MACKENZIE: Oh! Hope you saved room for dessert.    WAITER: (to George) The chef said that he made it special for you.    GEORGE: Oh... (George looks around and sees the chef hiding behind a plant: it's Bob!)    MACKENZIE: Mmm.. Best pie I've ever tasted. Take a bite George. (George shakes his head doing "no") Well, take a bite. It's delicious. (still shaking) I insist. (still shaking)    BUSINESSMAN: If you're one of us, you'll take a bite.    (still shaking)    (scene ends)     [Monk's]    (evening, George, Jerry and Kramer at a booth, Olive at the cash)    JERRY: So you didn't get the job.    GEORGE: No. But I was the only one at the table that didn't get violently ill.    JERRY: Kramer, you can't keep avoiding her like this, you're gonna have to say something.    KRAMER: What am I supposed to say?    JERRY: Tell her you lost your itch.    GEORGE: What happened to your itch?    KRAMER: I lost it two days ago. I've been faking it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings.    JERRY: Well you should tell her.    KRAMER: I'll let her down easy. All right. (he gets up and walks to Olive) Well, hi Olive. (she reaches for Kramer's back) No, no. No more of that. There's something I have to tell you.    OLIVE: What?    KRAMER: Uh, well, there's someone else.    OLIVE: Someone else?    KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, yeah...    OLIVE: Who is she?    KRAMER: Her. (he points to the Elaine mannequin in Jerry's car)    OLIVE: her?    KRAMER: Yeah, there she is. That's my gal.    OLIVE: You're a liar. I've seen her in here before. She's not your girlfriend.    KRAMER: Now Olive, look, I'm sorry.    OLIVE: Why is she wearing her underwear?    KRAMER: Well, it's the style. (turns back to Jerry) Jerry give me the keys. (Jerry throws his keys to Kramer) Well, I guess we're gonna go for a drive now. She really loves that.    (Kramer gets into Jerry's car and starts making out with the mannequin while Olive is looking through the window. But it doesn't work quite as good as Kramer was hoping cause the mannequin's hand falls out from the arm)    GEORGE: Did you ever solve the riddle of the pie?    JERRY: No. That's one for the ages. But I think they're gonna put Poppie away for a long long time.    (Elaine enters and sit with Jerry and George. Olive is looking at her, confused.)    ELAINE: You guys are not gonna believe this. I just got a letter from a friend of mine in Chicago who was shopping, and she said she saw a mannequin that looked just like me. What if there're more. Where are they coming from?    (scene ends)     [The building where Ricky works. Ricky's the guy in "The Cigar Store Indian" who made a bouquet for Elaine from Frank's TV guide.]    RICKY'S BOSS: Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous response to your TR-6 mannequin.    RICKY: TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... Elaine.     The End<|endoftext|>Episode 155 - The Muffin Tops  pc: 821 season 8, episode 21  Broadcast date: May 8, 1997   Written by Spike Feresten  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Rena Sofer ........................... Mary Anne  Melinda Clarke..................... Alex  Chaim Jeraffi ........................ Jiffy Dump Guy  Sonya Eddy ......................... Rebecca  Barry Kramer ...................... Bag Guy  Elayn Taylor ........................ Book Fan  Paige Moss ........................... Girl  Viola Kates Simpson ............. Old Woman  Jack Riley ............................. Rider  Bunny Summers ................... Rider  Earl Carroll .......................... Rider  Norman Brenner .................. Rider  Reuven Bar .......................... Foreign Guy  Vince Donvito ...................... Passerby  Chris Burmester ................... Passerby  Deck McKenzie .................... Man  Victoria Fischer .................... Bartender  Keith Sellon-Wright .............. Guy  rc: Wayne Knight ................. Newman  rc: John O'Hurley ................. J. Peterman  rc: Richard Fancy .................. Mr. Lippman   ==================================================================   [Jerry and George walking down the street.]   JERRY: Hang on just let me pick up a paper.   MAN: Excuse me. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?   GEORGE: Yeah. No problem.   JERRY: Let's go.   GEORGE: Woah, I gotta watch this guy's bag.   JERRY: For how long?   GEORGE: I'm sure he'll be back in a second.   JERRY: Come on.   GEORGE: Excuse me sir. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?   MAN 2: Why? So I can stand here like an idiot not knowing if you'll ever come back?   (Jerry starts to leave.)   GEORGE: Where are you going?   JERRY: I'm going to be this guy's friend.     [Jerry and George at Monk's]   JERRY: New clothes?   GEORGE: Yeah. I did some shopping. Some new clothes shopping. (turns to a man) Can I borrow your menu?   JERRY: Strange. For new pants, there's noticable wear on the buttocks of those chinos. Wait those are the clothes from the bag!   GEORGE: The guy never came back.   JERRY: He asked you to watch them not wear them.   GEORGE: I'm still watching them.   JERRY: You look like a tourist.   GEORGE: All right, let me ask you something: When do you start to worry about ear hair?   JERRY: When you hear like a soft russeling.   GEORGE: It's like puberty that never stops. Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty, you gotta be vigilent. Let me ask you this: Do you know where Walker Street is downtown? I've got a league meeting there.   JERRY: Oh right, the new job, how is it?   GEORGE: I love it. New office, new salary. I'm the new Wilhelm.   JERRY: So who's the new you?   GEORGE: They got a new intern from Francis Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.   JERRY: Oh hi Alex.   ALEX: I'm sorry I'm late. Have you ordered yet?   JERRY: No.   ALEX: I'll be right back.   GEORGE: Where are you meeting these women? When they get off the bus at the port authority?   JERRY: Right here, George. In here. (pointing to his chest) Try opening this up. You'll find the biggest dating scene in the world.   GEORGE: Thanks. Thanks a lot.     [Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Kramer searches in Jerry's couch for something and picks it up. Elaine enters. Kramer hurriedly puts the cushions back on the couch.]   KRAMER: Hey.   ELAINE: Hey.   KRAMER: Hi.   ELAINE: Where's Jerry?   KRAMER: Well he's in the shower. You want me to get him?   ELAINE: No. No no. Actually I kind of need to speak to you.   KRAMER: Well let's sit down.   ELAINE: Kramer, ahem, remember that whole deal with you selling Peterman your stories for his book and then he gave them back to you?   KRAMER: Vaguely.   ELAINE: Well I was kind of, hehehe, short on material and I, um, I put them in the book anyway.   KRAMER: You put my life's stories in his autobiography?   ELAINE: Kramer listen, it is such a stupid book. It doesn't matter.   KRAMER: Oh no. Sure. It matters. Wow. I've broken through, huh. I'm part of popular culture now. Listen I've got to thank Mr. Peterman.   ELAINE: He's doing a book signing at Waldenbooks this afternoon.   KRAMER: Waldenbooks? That's a major chain huh.   (Kramer enters the bathroom.)   KRAMER: He Jerry, I'm going to waldenbooks.   JERRY: (yelling) Get out! Get out! I don't want to live like this.   KRAMER: All right, let's go.     [At Waldenbooks.]   ELAINE: Mr. Lippman, how are you?   MR. LIPPMAN: Well I'm not bad. Not bad.   ELAINE: What are you doing here?   MR. LIPPMAN: I work for Pundant Publishishing. This is our book.   ELAINE: Oh.   MR. LIPPMAN: If you can call it that. Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star has his own book out now?   KRAMER: Hey buddy. Remember me?   MR. PETERMAN: You're that gangly fellow we bought the stories from.   KRAMER: Yeah, I'm just here to do my part. What's your name darling?   WOMAN:: Who are you?   KRAMER: I'm the real Peterman.   MR. PETERMAN: All right playtime's over.   KRAMER: Relax man. There's enough juice here to keep us all fat and giggley.   WOMAN: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.   ELAINE: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.   MR. LIPPMAN: So you just eat the tops.   ELAINE: Oh yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy, it's explosive, it's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of (makes hand motions) does it's own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollor idea right there. Just sell the tops.   (Two men forcefully pick Kramer up and push him out of the store.)   KRAMER: I have a right to be here. These are my fans. Hey you're hurting my elbow.   (George is walking down the street looking down at his map. He is bumping into people.)   MAN 1: Try looking up hayseed.   MAN 2: You wanna sightsee? Get on a bus.   MARY ANNE: Please don't think all New Yorkers are so rude.   GEORGE: Well actually I'm...   MARY ANNE: I'm Mary Anne. I work for the New York Visitor's Center. Where are you visiting from?   GEORGE: Little Rock, Arkensas.   MARY ANNE: Ooh.     [Jerry is in his bathroom shaving. He thinks. He tilts the mirror down.]   JERRY: Hmm. That looks new.   (He thinks some more. He picks up his razor.)   KRAMER: So get this. Peterman has his henchmen forcefully eject me from the book signing like I'm some kind of a maniac.   JERRY: (uncomfortably) Yeah that's too bad.   KRAMER: What's the matter with you?   JERRY: (uncomfortably) Nothing.   KRAMER: No, no, no. Don't give me that. I know you. Something's wrong. What is it.   JERRY: I did something stupid.   KRAMER: What did you do?   JERRY: Well I was shaving. And I noticed an asymmetry in my chest hair and I was trying to even it out. Next thing I knew, (high pitched voice) Gone.   KRAMER: Don't you know you're not supposed to poke around down there.   JERRY: Well women do it.   KRAMER: (high pitched voice) "Well women do it." I'll tell you what. I'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just (high pitched voice) sashey your pretty little self around the town square.   JERRY: Well what am I going to tell Alex?   KRAMER: Listen to me. You don't tell anybody about this. No one. You hear me?   JERRY: Um hum.   (George enters)   KRAMER: Hey, Jerry shaved his chest.   JERRY: Hey!   KRAMER: I forgot. Wait. Never mind.   (Jerry and Alex walking.)   ALEX: How about the beach this weekend?   JERRY: You couldn't pay me enough to go to the beach on a weekend. I mean it's hard enough...   ALEX: All right. All right. Wow is that a Mexican Hairless? Oh, I love those. Ooh, Hairless. This is where it's at. It's so much smoother and cleaner.   JERRY: Really?     [Elaine walks into a muffin shop]   ELAINE: "Top of the Muffin to you!"?   MR. LIPPMAN: Top of the muffin to you. Elaine!   ELAINE: Mr Lippman?     [George and Jerry at Jerry's apartment.]   JERRY: So you're pretending to be a tourist?   GEORGE: It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here so it's okay if I'm stupid, and she knows I'm only in town visiting so there's no messy breakup   JERRY: How do you explain your apartment?   GEORGE: I got a hotel room.   JERRY: you moved into a hotel?   GEORGE: Well I don't know anyone here Jerry. Where else am I going to stay?   JERRY: So get this: we're in the park today Alex goes wild for this hairless dog.   GEORGE: So?   JERRY: So. I figure since she likes one hairless animal why not another.   GEORGE: Oh really. You tell her you shaved it?   JERRY: Are you nuts? I don't want her to think I'm one of those low-rise briefs guys who shaves his chest.   (Kramer is in a school bus. He honks his horn. Camera shot down on the bus.)   KRAMER: (yelling up at Jerry) Hey Jerry.   (Jerry pulls up the blinds on his upstairs window and looks down.)   KRAMER: (yelling) I'm starting a Peterman Reality Bus Tour. Check it out. Hahaha.   GEORGE: Reality tour?   JERRY: The last thing this guy's qualified to give a tour of is reality.     [Elaine at the muffin shop]   ELAINE: This was my idea you stole my idea.   MR. LIPPMAN: Elaine these ideas are all in the air. They're in the air.   ELAINE: Well if that air is comming out of this face then it is my air and my idea.   MR. LIPPMAN: You want a muffin or not?   ELAINE: Peach.     [Gerge and Mary Anne at Monks]   MARY ANNE: So I notice you don't have much of an accent.   GEORGE: Yeah my parents have it. Sometimes it skips a generation.   MARY ANNE: Look george, I'm really enjoying spending time with you but I'm not sure this is going to work out. At some point you're going back to your job at Tyler Chicken and your three-legged dog Willie.   GEORGE: Willie. Yeah.   MARY ANNE: And I'm still going to be here.   GEORGE: Well what if I told you I'm thinking of moving here?   MARY ANNE: (laughs) George, no offense. But this city would eat you alive.   JERRY: You're moving to New York? That's fantastic. I can see you all the time now.   GEORGE: Eat me alive, huh? We'll see who can make it in *this* town.   JERRY: What is it she think you can't do?   GEORGE: Find a job. Get an apartment.   JERRY: How did you do those things?   GEORGE: Never mind. The're done. All I have to do now is redo them. You know if you take everything I've ever done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent.   JERRY: Hey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday?   KRAMER: Here you go, here you go, check it out.   JERRY: "The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour". I'm confused.   KRAMER: Peterman's book is big business. People want to know the stories behind the stories.   JERRY: Nobody wants to go on a three hour bus tour of a totally unknown person's life.   KRAMER: I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get a pizza bagel and desert.   GEORGE: What's desert?   KRAMER: Bite-size Three Musketeers. Just like the real Peterman eats.   GEORGE: He eats those?   KRAMER: No. I eat those. I'm the real Peterman.   GEORGE: I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.   KRAMER: Talk to me.   GEORGE: But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you.   KRAMER: Understand?   JERRY: Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.     [Elaine and Mr. Lippman at Monk's]   MR. LIPPMAN: Elaine. I'm in over my head. Nobody likes my muffin tops.   ELAINE: So? What do you want me to do about it?   MR. LIPPMAN: You're the muffin top expert, tell me what I'm doing wrong.   ELAINE: Mr. Lippman, when I worked for you at Pendent Publishing, I believed in you, you know as a man of integrity. But, I saw you in that paper hat and that aprin...   MR. LIPPMAN: What if I cut you in for 30% of the profits?   ELAINE: Deal. Here's your problem. You're making just the muffin tops. You've gotta make the *whole* muffin. Then you... Pop the top, toss the stump. Taste.   MR. LIPPMAN: Ah. (takes a bite of the top.) Mmmmm. Ah hah?   ELAINE: Yeah.   MR. LIPPMAN: So what do we with the bottoms?   ELAINE: I don't know, give em to a soup kitchen.   MR. LIPPMAN: That's a good idea.   ELAINE: And one more thing, you really think we need the exclamation point? Because, it's not "Top of the Muffin *TO YOU!!!*"   MR. LIPPMAN: No. No. It is.     [At Jerry's apartment]   KRAMER: Hey Jerry. What is this? Lady Gillette? What's going on?   JERRY: What? Can't I get a moment's peace?   KRAMER: What are you doing to yourself?   (Jerry walks into camera view with his chest covered with shaving cream.)   JERRY: I can't stop. Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless.   KRAMER: You can't keep this up. Don't you know what's going to happen? Everytime you shave it, it's going to come in thicker and fuller and darker.   JERRY: Oh that's an old wives tale.   KRAMER: Is it? Look at this.   (Kramer walks off-screen and opens his shirt. On-screen, Jerry reels from the sight.)   KRAMER: (high pitched voice) Look at it! Look at it! And it's all me. I shaved there when I was a lifeguard.   JERRY: Oh come on. That's genetics. That's not going to happen to me.   KRAMER: Won't it? Or is it already starting to happen?     [Elaine at the muffin shop]   ELAINE: Wow. Look at this. We're cleaning up.   LIPPMAN: Oh, Rubin, get me another tray of lowfat cranberry.   REBECCA: Excuse me, I'm Rebecca Demore from the homeless shelter.   ELAINE: Oh, hi.   REBECCA: Are you the ones leaveing the muffing pieces behind our shelter?   ELAINE: You been enjoying them?   REBECCA: They're just stumps.   ELAINE: Well they're perfectly edible.   REBECCA: Oh, so you just assume that the homeless will eat them, they'll eat anything?   MR. LIPPMAN: No no, we just thought...   REBECCA: I know what you thought. They don't have homes, they don't have jobs, what do they need the top of a muffin for? They're lucky to get the stumps.   ELAINE: If the homeless don't like them the homeless don't have to eat them.   REBECCA: The homeless don't like them.   ELAINE: Fine.   REBECCA: We've never gotten so many complaints. Every two minutes, "Where is the top of this muffin? Who ate the rest of this?"   ELAINE: We were just trying to help.   REBECCA: Why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells.   ELAINE: I think I might.     [Mary Anne and George at George's "new" apartment.]   MARY ANNE: I can't believe you found something so quickly. How much you pay?   GEORGE: $2300.   MARY ANNE: Ouch. A month?   GEORGE: Yeah.   MARY ANNE: Well, guess that's all right for now, but if you say here for more than a few months, you're a real sucker.   GEORGE: Yeah, well I uh got lots of other stuff to show you too. Wait till you see the plum job that I landed.   MARY ANNE: Yeah. We should let this place air out anyway. It smells like the last tenant had monkeys or something.   (Mary Anne exits. George sniffs his armpit.)     [On Kramer's bus.]   KRAMER: Comming up on the right, if you glance up you can just make out my bedroom window. It's the one that's covered in chicken wire.   WOMAN: Hey if you're the real Peterman, who come you're wearing those ratty clothes? The're not very romantic.   KRAMER: (over the speaker) Well that's your opinion.   MAN 1: Can I have another Three Musketeers? They're rather small.   KRAMER: Forget it. Okay Newman's postal route is around here somewhere.   MAN 2: Who's Newman?   MAN 3: Who cares.   MAN 4: Hey fake Peterman, let me off. I'm nautious.   MAN 1: Can I have his candy bar?   KRAMER: Ahh. Everyone just settle down. We have three hours left on this thing, and I can't drive and argue with you rubes all at the same time. Okay. Lomez's place of worship is right on the right here.     [At Jerry's apartment.]   JERRY: Why do I have to go on the tour?   KRAMER: Jerry you're a minor celebrity. If you go on this thing, it could create a minor stir. Bring that girlfriend of your and I'll only charge to 60 bucks.   (Elaine enters)   JERRY: Hey, how's business?   ELAINE: Ooh, I've got stump troubles. The Sanitation Department won't get rid of them all, I can't get a truck to haul this stuff until next week. Meanwhile, I'm sitting on a mountain of stumps.   KRAMER: All right, I've got to hose the puke off the floor of the bus.   ELAINE: Bus? Wait a minute, wait a minute, bus? You've got a bus?   KRAMER: Yeah.   ELAINE: You got any room on that thing?   KRAMER: Yeah there are a few seats still available.   ELAINE: Do you think you could transport some stumps for me? I'll make it worth your while.   KRAMER: Well, if they don't mind sitting in the back.   ELAINE: No they don't.   KRAMER: Are they war veterans?   (Elaine looks at him confused.)     [In George's office.]   MARY ANNE: Wow this is your office.   MR. STEINBRENNER: Woah. Hello. Sorry George, didn't know you got a girl in here. Give me a signal on the doornob like a necktie or a sock or something. Come on George, help me out.   MARY ANNE: Mr. Steinbrenner, I would like to thank you for taking a chance on a hen supervisor at Tyler Chicken like our boy George here.   MR. STEINBRENNER: Hen supervisor from Tyler Chicken?   GEORGE: Yes. Very nice to have had her to mention... (starting to leave)   MR. STEINBRENNER: Wait a minute George.   GEORGE: Be right with you. Look Mr. Steinbrenner.   MR. STEINBRENNER: Moonlighting for Tyler Chicken. Pretty impressive George. Days with the New York Yankees and nights in Arkensas with a top flight bird outlet. And a hen supervisor to boot. I am blown. Bloooown away. Blown George. (vibration in the "o"'s) Bloooooooooooooooooooown.     [On Kramer's bus.]   ALEX: You know when you make a pizza bagel, you really shouldn't use cinnimon rasin.   JERRY: You also shouldn't use a donut.   (Kramer gets on the bus. He starts the tape player playing banjo music.)   KRAMER: All right ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Peterman Reality Tour...   TAPE PLAYER: Turn music off.   JERRY: Can we just go?   KRAMER: And go we will.   MAN: What is this? A piece of pound cake?   KRAMER: We have a bonus reality stop today. We will be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository.   MAN 2: We're going to a garbage dump?   KRAMER: And we're off.   JERRY: You know I never though he would be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close.     [Mr. Steinbrenner is sitting at his desk on the phone with the manager at Tyler chicken who is also sitting at his desk.]   MR. STEINBRENNER: (the back of his head to the camera) John Tyler? George Steinbreener here. I want to talk about George Castanza. I understand he's been dividing his time between us and you. I cannot have that.   JOHN TYLER: (the back of his head also to the camera) Well I don't know who he is but if you want him that bad I'm not giving him up that easily.   MR. STEINBRENNER: Oh is that so. Playing a little hardball huh Jonnyboy?   JOHN TYLER: How about this. You give me Castanza, I convert your concessions to all chicken no charge. Instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs. Instead of pretzels, chicken twists. Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken.   MR. STEINBRENNER: How do you make that alcoholic chicken?   JOHN TYLER: Let if ferment, just like everything else.   MR. STEINBRENNER: That stuff sounds great. All right. I'll have Costanza on the next bus.     [Kramer at a garbage dump carrying a garbage bag.]   MAN: Hey hey hey hey hey. Where do you think you're going?   KRAMER: I was going to dump this.   MAN: It doesn't look like garbage.   KRAMER: Well it's muffin stumps   MAN: Where are the muffin tops?   KRAMER: This is a garbage dump. Just let me dump it.   MAN: Can't do it.   KRAMER: Is this a joke?   MAN: That's what I'd like to know about it.   ALEX: You have a pretty heavy beard, don't you?   JERRY: What's that?   ALEX: Well look it's almost time for you to shave again.   JERRY: Oh. Yeah.   KRAMER: (gets back on the bus, yelling) Well maybe I will take it up with Consumer Affairs. Ladies and Gentlemen you're in for an additional treat. We're going to extend the tour at no extra charge.   MAN: Where are we going?   KRAMER: (looking at a map) I don't know. (over the speaker) Uh, no more questions.   (Banjo music plays as they look for garbage dumps.)     [Next scene. Kramer argues with someone at a dump.]     [Next scene. A man vomits on the floor.]     [Next scene. Kramer is driving. He is sleepy. His head nods down onto the horn. The horn blows. Startled, Kramer sits back up. Banjo music finishes.]   WAITRESS: So, the New York Yankees traded you for a bunch of Tyler chicken.   GEORGE: Dogs, twists, a kind of fermented chicken drink.   MAN: Hey, aren't you the guy I asked to watch my clothes?   GEORGE: What clothes?   MAN: These clothes. The ones you're wearing.     [On Kramer's bus]   JERRY: (in low voice to next to Kramer) Kramer how much longer? My chest hair is comming back and it's itching me like crazy. I can't let her see me scratch it.   KRAMER: Don't worry. I've got a good feeling about this dump.   JERRY: I'm telling you man, I'm losing it.   (Kramer gets off the bus, carrying a garbage bag.)   (Eerie music is playing. Jerry looks out the bus window at a full moon. A dog starts barking.)   JERRY: I can't sit on this bus anymore. I think I'll go play with that dog.   KRAMER: I don't know where the tops are.   (Jerry runs past Kramer and another person. Eerie music still playing.)   KRAMER: Jerry what's the matter?   (In slow motion Jerry runs into the woods. At normal speed he runs behind a tree. Camera shot down on him as he starts scratching his chest.)   JERRY: (for the first half of the howl, a dog howls along with him.) Awoooooo-oooooooo, that feels good.   BARTENDER: Hey, you looking for George?   MARY ANNE: Yeah.   BARTENDER: He's been in the bathroom awhile. You might want to check on him.   GEORGE: (talking on the phone) Jerry you gotta bring me some clothes down here. I lost my job with the Yankees. I'm standing in the men's room on 43rd street in my underpants.   MARY ANNE: I told you this city would eat you alive.     [At the muffin shop.]   MR. LIPPMAN: What is this guy again?   ELAINE: They call him a Cleaner. He makes problems go away.   (Newman enters. )   NEWMAN: Hello Elaine. Where are they?   ELAINE: In the back.   NEWMAN: All right, I'm going to need a clean 8 ounce glass.   MR. LIPPMAN: What is going on here?   NEWMAN: If I'm curt, then I appologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here and time is of the essence.   (Newman goes to the back room with the muffin stumps and sets down a cooler and an empty glass. From the cooler he takes out 4 bottles of milk and sets them down. He bites into a stump, then takes a drink of milk from the glass. (continuity error: he never actually poured the glass of milk.) He swishes the muffin and the milk together and swollows. He takes another stump.)    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 2 - The Stakeout  pc: 103, season 1, episode 1  Broadcast date: May 31, 1990   Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld  Directed By Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Lynn Clark .......................... Vanessa  Phil Bruns ............................ Morty Seinfeld  Liz Sheridan ........................ Helen Seinfeld  Maud Winchester ............... Pamela  William Fair ........................ Roger  Ron Steelman ..................... Artie Levine  Joe George .......................... Uncle Mac  Ellen Gerstein ..................... Carol  Janet Rotblatt ..................... Woman  rc: Helen   NOTE: When this episode is shown in syndication, Phil Bruns still plays Jerry's dad (a role later assumed by Barney Martin).   ==================================================================   INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT   (Jerry is on stage, performing.)   JERRY: So, I’m on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me. One of them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They both of course choose to pay by the use of the...   (He pauses and gestures to audience for response.)  AUDIENCE: Cheque.   JERRY: Cheque. Now, the fact is, if it’s a woman in front of you that’s writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that women are very fast with cheques, y’know, ‘cause they write out so many cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don’t know where that is, but the cheque book: they got that. They never fumble for the cheque book. The cheque book comes out of a holster: (Jerry “draws” imaginary book from a holster.) “Who do I make it out to? There’s my ID.” There’s something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. I don’t know exactly what it is. I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says, “I don’t have any money, but if you’ll contact these people, I’m sure they’ll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time- I don’t have any money but I have these. I wrote on these. Is this of any value at all?”     INT. VIDEO STORE – NIGHT   (Jerry and Elaine are picking out a movie for the night.)  JERRY: What’s that one?   ELAINE: “Coccoon II: The Return”. I guess they didn’t like it up there.   JERRY: Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y’know Maureen Stapleton, if she gets a craving, she’s probably screamin’ at those aliens, “I gotta have a lo mein!”   ELAINE: Okay, what’re we doing here? I have seen everything.   JERRY: Oh yeah? I don’t believe you’ve seen... this.   (Jerry shows Elaine a movie from the Adult section.)   ELAINE: Oh, lovely.   JERRY: Yeah.   ELAINE: What do you think their parents think?   JERRY: “So, uh, what’s your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?” “Oh, he’s a public fornicator. Yes, he’s a fine boy...”   ELAINE: Y’know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamela’s birthday.   JERRY: Pamela? Do I know her?   ELAINE: Yeah, you met her when we were going out.   JERRY: Oh yeah, right...   ELAINE: You have no idea who I’m talking about, do you?   JERRY: (quickly) No.   ELAINE: Blonde hair, remember? Glasses? (pause) Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?   JERRY: (a lightbulb goes on in his head) Riverside Drive.   ELAINE: Right! In fact... No, never mind...   JERRY: Well, what is it?   ELAINE: Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some bar for her birthday, but... (Jerry turns in disgust) you don’t want to go to... that... no.   JERRY: Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here.   ELAINE: What little deal?   JERRY: I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I have on Saturday.   ELAINE: A wedding? Have you lost it, man?   JERRY: Y’know, my parents are coming in for this...   ELAINE: They’re coming in?   JERRY: Yeah, tomorrow.   ELAINE: Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?   JERRY: No, no. Still doin’ the big sweep across.   ELAINE: Why does he do that?   JERRY: Doesn’t think anyone can tell. So c’mon, do we have a deal?   ELAINE: A wedding?   JERRY: There’s a lot of people to mock...   ELAINE: All right, what the hell.   JERRY: Great!   WOMAN: When you’re dead, you’re dead. That’s it. You’re not goin’ anywhere...     INT. BAR – NIGHT   (Elaine and Jerry enter.)   ELAINE: C’mon lets go...   JERRY: Was I supposed to bring something?   ELAINE: You could have.   JERRY: I met her one time...   ELAINE: It is not necessary.   JERRY: What did you say then?   ELAINE: Sssshhhhhh!!!   PAMELA: Hi   ELAINE: Hi, Pamela, you remember Jerry.   PAMELA: (shakes Jerry's hand) Yes, we met.   JERRY: Hi, happy birthday.   PAMELA: Thanks, ah, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry.   GUESTS, JERRY & ELAINE: Hi   JERRY: I didn’t bring anything.   PAMELA: Uh, I put you two right here.   JERRY: Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to bring, nobody told me.   (Jerry and Elaine sit next to each other at a table. Across from Jerry is a strikingly beautiful woman, Vanessa. The piano is playing awful dinner music.)   VANESSA: How big a tip do you think it’d take to get him to stop?   JERRY: I’m in for five...   VANESSA: I’ll supply the hat.   JERRY: (thinking) Uh-oh... What do we have here?   VANESSA: Why don’t you relax and take your jacket off?   JERRY: Oh, I can’t. Uh, I have a tendency to get chilly.   VANESSA: How masculine.   JERRY: Plus I’m wearing short sleeves, I don’t want to expose my tattoos. (Vanessa smiles; thinking) She’s unbelievable!   (The guy beside Vanessa interrupts.)   ROGER: (to Vanessa) Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker.   VANESSA: Oh, you know Bricker! From where?   JERRY: (thinking) What’s going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, she’s too good to be alone. What’s the difference, I can’t maneouver anyway with Elaine next to me.   VANESSA: (to Jerry) How do you know Pamela?   JERRY: Uh, friend of a friend. And you?   VANESSA: We went to law school together.   ELAINE: (interrupting Jerry's conversation) Oh, Jerry!   JERRY: (turning to Elaine; thinking) Oh no, not now.   ELAINE: I had this dream last night and you were in it.   JERRY: Oh really? (tries turning away in the hopes Elaine gets the hint; thinking) Oh God, I gotta get out of this.   ELAINE: You were you, but, you weren’t you...   JERRY: No kidding. (thinking) Why is this happening? Please, make her stop!   ELAINE: I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were standing there, you were looking out the window...   JERRY: (thinking) This is brutal.   ELAINE: You turned around and you had these wooden teeth.   JERRY: How do you like that? (tries to turn away again; thinking)Can I turn now? Is this over? No, I can’t, I can’t. I’m stuck.   ELAINE: (noticing Jerry not wanting to listen; annoyed) Jerry? Are you listening to me?   JERRY: Yes, I heard you.   PAMELA: Elaine, what’s the name of that jewelry store you took me to that time?   JERRY: (thinking) Thank you, Pamela! (turns to talk to Vanessa; to Vanessa) So, you’re a lawyer...   VANESSA: Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.   JERRY: (thinking) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft... (to Vanessa) Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit.   VANESSA: Oh, that was you?   JERRY: Imagine, spelling “Mom” with two O’s.   VANESSA: Very funny! What do you do?   JERRY: Comedian.   VANESSA: Really? That explains it.   JERRY: (thinking; quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.   ROGER: Are you ready?   VANESSA: We gotta run. Happy birthday!   (Vanessa and Roger get up an leave. Jerry panics.)   JERRY: (thinking) I can’t believe it. I got nothing! I don’t even know her name! Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag...   (A grim stare from Elaine knocks his concentration.)     INT. TAXICAB – NIGHT   (On the ride home from the party. Jerry and Elaine sit in the back seat.)   JERRY: That wasn’t so bad, really.   ELAINE: Y’know, um, you could use a little work on your manners.   JERRY: Why? What did I do?   ELAINE: Wel-Well, I just don’t appreciate these little courtesy responses, like I’m selling you aluminum siding.   JERRY: I was listening!   ELAINE: No! You couldn’t wait to get back to your little... “conversation”.   JERRY: No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had.   ELAINE: Uh-huh...   JERRY: Where you had, uh, wooden teeth.   ELAINE: No! No! You had wooden teeth! You had wooden teeth! I didn’t have wooden teeth, you did!   JERRY: All right, so I had wooden teeth, so what?   ELAINE: So nothing! Nothing. (annoyed sigh)     INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT   (Jerry is on stage, performing.)   JERRY: Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after himself. He said, “Yeah, I got this new thing: Platonic. My idea, my name, callin’ it after myself. What I do is, I go out with the girls, I talk with them- don’t do anything, and go right home. What’d you think? I think it’s going to be big!” I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get relationships named after them, but it didn’t work. Y’know, I bet you there were guys who tried to do it, just went, “Uh, Hi, uh my name’s Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it’s a Riconic relationship.”     INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT   (Jerry’s parents, Helen and Morty, are sitting on a pullout couch. Jerry enters.)   JERRY: Hey!   MORTY: Ah, there he is!   JERRY: This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!   HELEN: Y’know, Jerry, we don’t have to do this.   JERRY: What are you talkin’ about? It’s fine, I love having you here.   HELEN: Tomorrow we’ll go to a hotel.   JERRY: Ma, will you stop?   HELEN: No, why should we take over your apartment?   JERRY: I don’t care. I’m sleeping next door.   HELEN: Your friend Kramer doesn’t mind?   JERRY: No, he’s making a bouillabaisse.   JERRY: So, dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big law offices?   MORTY: Depends on the firm.   JERRY: Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they would know who it was?   MORTY: What’s the matter? You need a lawyer?   JERRY: No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I don’t know her name.   MORTY: So why don’t you ask someone who was at the party?   JERRY: Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I can’t ask her.   HELEN: Why not?   JERRY: Because it’s complicated. There’s some tension there.   HELEN: He used to go with her.   HELEN: Which one is she?   MORTY: From Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered cherries you didn’t like.   HELEN: Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person.   JERRY: Oh yeah, she’s great.   HELEN: So, how come nothing materialized there?   JERRY: Well, it’s a tough thing to talk about uh. I dunno...   HELEN: I know what it was.   JERRY: You don’t know what it was.   HELEN: So, what was it?   JERRY: Well, we fight a lot for some reason.   HELEN & MORTY: Oh, well...   JERRY: And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry.   (His parents don’t know how to respond.)   HELEN: Well, I think she’s a very attractive girl.   JERRY: Oh, she is, she absolutely is.   HELEN: I can see if there was a weight problem...   JERRY: No, it’s not that. It wasn’t all one-sided.   HELEN: You know, you can’t be so particular. Nobody’s perfect.   JERRY: I know, I know...   MORTY: Y’know Jerry, it’s a good thing I wasn’t so particular.   HELEN: (hits Morty) Idiot. (to Jerry) So who’re you looking for, Sophia Loren?   JERRY: That’s got nothin’ to do with it.   MORTY: How about Loni Anderson?   HELEN: Where do you get Loni Anderson?   MORTY: Why, what’s wrong with Loni Anderson?   HELEN: I like Elaine more than Loni Anderson.   JERRY: What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasn’t the one.   HELEN: And this other one’s the one?   JERRY: I dunno, maybe...   MORTY: So ask Elaine there for her number.   JERRY: I can’t. She’ll get upset. I never talk about other women with her, especially this one tonight.   HELEN: How could you still see her if your not interested?   JERRY: We’re friends.   MORTY: Doesn’t sound like you’re friends to me. If you were friends you'd-you’d ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works?   JERRY: Oh yeah.   MORTY: Well, go up to the office.   HELEN: Up to her office?   MORTY: Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesn’t she?   JERRY: I guess.   MORTY: So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to come down for lunch.   JERRY: You mean stakeout the lobby?   HELEN: Morty, that’s ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number!   MORTY: He doesn’t want to ask Elaine for the number.   HELEN: So you’ve got him standing by the elevator like a dope! What happens when he sees her?   MORTY: He pretends he bumped into her!   JERRY: Y’know what? This is not that bad an idea.     INT. OFFICE BUILDING – DAY   (Jerry and George are staking out Vanessa.)   GEORGE: What does she look like?   JERRY: I dunno. Hard to say.   GEORGE: What actress does she remind you of?   JERRY: Loni Anderson.   GEORGE: Loni Anderson?!   JERRY: What, there’s something wrong with Loni Anderson? (pause) Hey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate it.   GEORGE: Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th street. Besides, you think I wanna miss this? (chuckles)   JERRY: I’m a little nervous.   GEORGE: Yeah, me too...   JERRY: If I see her, what do I say that I’m doing here in the building?   GEORGE: You came to see me. I work in the building.   JERRY: What do you do?   GEORGE: I’m an architect.   JERRY: You’re an architect?   GEORGE: I’m not?   JERRY: I don’t see architecture comin from you.   GEORGE: (somewhat annoyed) I suppose you could be an architect.   JERRY: I never said that I was the architect. Just somethin’ else.   GEORGE: All right, she’s not even gonna ask, if we see her, which is remote.   JERRY: Well whaddaya want me to say, that I just wandered in here?   GEORGE: We’re having lunch with a friend. He works in the building.   JERRY: What is his name?   GEORGE: Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son.   JERRY: Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up.   GEORGE: No good? All right, uh how about Art... Cor.....   JERRY: Art Cor...   GEORGE: ...velay.   JERRY: Corvelay?   GEORGE: Yeah, right.   JERRY: Well, what does he do?   GEORGE: He’s an importer.   JERRY: Just imports, no exports?   GEORGE: (annoyed) He’s an importer/exporter, okay? (beat) Elaine ever call you back?   JERRY: No, I guess she’s still mad.   GEORGE: I don’t understand, you never talk to her about other women?   JERRY: Never. (The elevator door opens.) Wait a second. That’s her. On the right.   GEORGE: (anxious) I forgot who I am! Who am I?!   JERRY: You’re you. We’re having lunch with Art Corvelay.   GEORGE: Vandelay!   JERRY: Corvelay!   GEORGE: Let me be the architect! I can do it!   (Jerry ignores George and approaches Vanessa.)   JERRY: Hey, hey. uh Pamela’s birthday party, didn’t I see you there? Jerry.   VANESSA: Sure! Hi!   JERRY: Uh, this is George. (reaches for her name) I’m sorry...   VANESSA: Vanessa.   GEORGE: Nice to meet you.   JERRY: Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.   VANESSA: That’s right! Yea, what’re you doing here?   JERRY: Oh, we’re meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the building.   GEORGE: Yeah, Art Vandelay.   VANESSA: Really? Which company?   JERRY & George: (turning to each other) I don’t know. He’s an importer.   VANESSA: Importer?   GEORGE: ...And exporter.   JERRY: He’s an importer/exporter.   GEORGE: (clears his throat) I’m, uh, I’m an architect.   VANESSA: Really. What do you design?   GEORGE: Uh, railroads, uh...   VANESSA: I thought engineers do that.   GEORGE: They can...   JERRY: Y’know I’m sorry you had to leave so early the other night.   VANESSA: Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston.   JERRY: Oh, that guy was your cousin! (walking in front of George so he gets the picture to leave)   VANESSA: Yeah, and that woman was your...   JERRY: Friend!   GEORGE: I’ll just, uh, get a paper...   JERRY: So, um, do you date uh immature men?   VANESSA: Almost exclusively...     INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT   (Helen and Jerry are in the middle of a game of Scrabble. Morty sits on the couch. Helen sings to herself while she tries to form a word.)   HELEN: Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters... Bum bum bum bum...   JERRY: (annoyed) Ma, will you go already?   HELEN: Bum bum bum bum...   (She picks up a nearby dictionary.)   JERRY: What are you doing?!   HELEN: Wait, I just want to see something.   JERRY: You can’t look in there, we’re playing!   (Kramer enters.)   KRAMER: Hi.   JERRY: Hi.   MORTY: (cleaning his shoes) Good evening, Mr. Kramer!   KRAMER: Hey Morty! (to Jerry) Salad dressing?   JERRY: Look.   HELEN: “Quo”. Is that a word?   JERRY: Maybe!   HELEN: Will you challenge it?   JERRY: Ma, you can’t look up words in the dictionary! (to Morty) Dad, she’s cheating!   KRAMER: “Quo”? That’s not a word.   HELEN: (to Jerry) You’re such a stickler...   JERRY: Well put something down, you’re taking twenty minutes on this. So is Uncle Mac and Artie, they’re all coming over here before the wedding?   HELEN: They’ll be here at two o’clock. Oh, Elaine called. She said she’d be here at two-thirty. And she says “Hope your meeting went well with ‘Art Vandelay’?”   JERRY: She said what?   HELEN: Just what I said, here.   (She hands Jerry the note. He reads it.)   JERRY: She knows! Oh, I am such a jackass.   HELEN: She knows what?   JERRY: She knows the whole stupid thing. Vanessa and the elevator...   (Kramer arranges Mrs. Seinfeld’s tiles, offering her a word.)   HELEN: No, no, no, that won’t do. He may have a “Z”.   MORTY: So, how did she find out?   JERRY: Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably told Elaine.   (While they talk, Kramer has covertly scoped Jerry’s tiles to confirm that Jerry doesn’t have a “Z”. This goes unnoticed by Jerry, who continues to talk with Morty.)   MORTY: So, what are you? Afraid of her?   JERRY: Yes. Yes I am! (to Helen) What else did she say on the phone?   HELEN: Whatever I wrote down.   JERRY: Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound?   HELEN: Who am I, Rich Little?   MORTY: Well, she can’t be too mad. She’s still coming to the wedding.   JERRY: Yeah, but now I’m nervous.   HELEN: Oh, stop it.   (She makes her move and tallies the points.)   JERRY: “Quone”?   HELEN: ...30...31...   JERRY: “Quone”? No, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to challenge that.   (Jerry picks up the dictionary.)   HELEN: ...32...   KRAMER: No, you don’t have to challenge that. That’s a word. That’s a definite word.   JERRY: I am challenging.   KRAMER: Quone. To quone something.   JERRY: Uh-huh.   (Jerry looks up the word.)   HELEN: I’m not playing with you anymore.   MORTY: Quone’s not a word.   JERRY: No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.   HELEN: (to Kramer) Why did you make me put that down?   KRAMER: Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him.     INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT-NEXT DAY   (A few people mingling about, waiting to go to the wedding. [SeinPurgatory] Jerry is talking to Carol.)   CAROL: You want some funny material, you oughta come down to where I work, now that’s a sitcom!   JERRY: You must have quite a time down there.   (Jerry checks his watch.)   CAROL: We got plenty of time.   JERRY: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m just waiting for someone.   UNCLE MAC: Watch what you say to this guy. He’ll put it in his next act!   (Carol and Uncle Mac laugh)   JERRY: Yeah, yeah...   UNCLE MAC: Jerry, did I tell you that I’m writing a book? An autobiography.   JERRY: Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it.   UNCLE MAC: It’s based on all my experiences!   JERRY: That’s perfect.   (Elaine enters.)   JERRY: Could you excuse me one second? I’m sorry.   (Jerry goes over and greets Elaine.)   JERRY: How do you do? (introducing himself) Uh, Jerry Seinfeld.   ELAINE: Oh, how do you do? Elaine Benes.   (Awkward sighs from Jerry and Elaine)   JERRY: Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get in the car?   ELAINE: Oh no, let’s do it now.   JERRY: All right, the whole elevator business, let me just explain-   ELAINE: Okay.   ARTIE: Jerry, were you goin’ with us?   JERRY: No, I’m gonna take my car.   ARTIE: That’s why I brought the wagon. Why the hell did I bring the wagon?   JERRY: Anyway, you know why I didn’t ask you, I mean I felt so uncomfortable, and you were so annoyed in the cab.   ELAINE: Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before. It was quite the spectacle.   CAROL: Jerry, we’ll see you there. Bye, Elaine.   ELAINE: Oh, bye. Good to see you.   ARTIE: Oh, we didn’t meet.   JERRY: Oh, I’m sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin, Artie Levine.   (Jerry pronounces the name ‘le-VEEN’.)   ARTIE: (correcting Jerry) Levine.   (Artie pronounces it with a long “I”. Artie exits.)   JERRY: (sarcastically) Yeah, “Levine”. And I’m Jerry Cougar Mellencamp. Anyway, I admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean, obviously we have a little problem here.   ELAINE: Yeah, obviously.   JERRY: I mean, if we’re gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about other people.   ELAINE: Couldn’t agree more.   JERRY: Good.   ELAINE: Good.   JERRY: Good.   ELAINE: Great!   JERRY: Great? Where do you get ‘great’?   ELAINE: It’s great to... talk about... other people...   JERRY: ...Guys?   ELAINE: Yeah.   JERRY: Uh-huh. Yeah. So, anybody specific?   ELAINE: No. A general guy.   JERRY: Oh really? Elaine Marie Benes...   ELAINE: What? No, it’s not a big deal.   JERRY: No, that’s great! That’s terrific!   ELAINE: No, we just met...   JERRY: Doesn’t matter. What’s the young man’s name? I would like to meet him.   ELAINE: Hmmm, I don’t think so.   JERRY: Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer of some sort?   ELAINE: Wall street.   JERRY: Ah, high finance. Bulls, Bears, people from Conneticut.   ELAINE: And he happens to be pretty good lookin’.   JERRY: (pause) All right, sir.   ELAINE: And... he’s hilarious.   JERRY: Now that’s not fair! So where did you meet this guy?   ELAINE: I staked out his health club.   JERRY: Uh huh. When you’re on a stakeout, do you find it’s better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?   (They leave his apartment)     INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT   Jerry is on stage, performing.   JERRY: Y’know I think that even if you’ve had a relationship with someone, or let’s say, especially if you’ve had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, it’s very difficult. Isn’t this? It’s hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. It’s like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. The one goes, “Look, a rabbit.” The other goes, “So? I believe this is your card.” “Look, why don’t we just saw each other in half and call it a night, okay?”    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 139 - The Package pc: 805, season 8, episode 5 Broadcast date: October 17, 1996  Written by Jennifer Crittenden Directed by Andy Ackerman  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------  The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld........................  Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander.................... George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus................ Elaine Benes Michael Richards.................... Cosmo Kramer  Guest Stars:  Richard Roat........................ Dr. Berg Fort Atkinson...................... Dr. Stern David Purdham................... Dr. Resnick Heather Campbell................ Sheila Ramon Franco...................... Mailman Bari K. Willerford................. Ron Shuko Akune....................... Receptionist F. William Parker.................. Country Doctor Lynn A. Henderson............. Clerk Bill Gratton........................... Postal Official Susan Leslie.......................... Nurse rc: Wayne Knight................. Newman rc: Len Lesser...................... Uncle Leo  Notes: "The Mikado", a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta, which ties in later with Leo's made up (drawn) eyelashes.  ================================================================== [Kramer and Newman at the park, smoking cigars]  KRAMER: Well, I really miss the Bermuda Triangle.  NEWMAN: I guess there's not much action down there these days.  KRAMER: Oh, there's action. There's plenty of action. That damned alien autopsy is stealing all the headlines.  NEWMAN: Yeah, tell me about it.  KRAMER: See, what they gotta do is loose a plane or a Greenpeace boat in there. See, that would get the triangle going again.  NEWMAN: What keeps the water in there? I mean, why doesn't it disappear?  KRAMER: What would be the point in taking the water?  NEWMAN: It's gorgeous water. (pause) Do we own Bermuda?  KRAMER: No. It belongs to the British.  NEWMAN: Lucky krauts.  KRAMER: So, what do you think about that alien autopsy?  NEWMAN: Oh, that's real.  KRAMER: I think so too.    [Elaine at the doctor's]   ATTENDANT: The doctor will be with you in a moment.    (Elaine looking at her chart)    ELAINE: Difficult?    DOCTOR: Elaine. You shouldn't be reading that. So tell me about this rash of yours.    ELAINE: Well it's, it's..... You know I noticed that somebody wrote in my chart that I was difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell you that I remember that appointment exactly. You see this nurse asked me to put a gown on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I specifically wore a tank top so I wouldn't have to put a gown on. You know there made of paper.    DOCTOR: Well that was a long time ago. How about if I just erase it. Now about that rash......    ELAINE: But it was in pen. You fake erase.    DOCTOR: All right Miss Benes. This doesn't look to serious. You'll be fine.   ELAINE: What are you writing? Doctor.      [George at Photo Shop]    SHEILA: Here you go.    GEORGE: Thanks.    SHEILA: I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt.    GEORGE: Ohhhhhh      [Jerry, Kramer, and George at the apartment]    JERRY: No. All you got to do is jiggle it with this screwdriver.    GEORGE: Smile    JERRY: What are you doing?    GEORGE: I meet this women, Sheila. She works down at the one hour photo pace. She's got this incredible smile. Like she's got extra teeth or something    JERRY: Extra teeth. I love that look.    GEORGE: Hey check this out. I go to pick up my pictures and she says " I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt."    JERRY: What mustard stain?    GEORGE: Don't you see. She's looking at my pictures.    JERRY: Why did you take a picture of a mustard stain?    GEORGE: That's got nothing to do with it.    JERRY: I see. She's looking.    GEORGE: Yesssss.    KRAMER: Hey, you got to get this thing fixed.    JERRY: They've tried to fix it. But it keeps coming back the same.    KRAMER: Would you like a refund?    JERRY: Well I can't the warranty expired two years ago.    KRAMER: Would you be interested?    JERRY: Well how are you going.....    KRAMER: Would you?    JERRY: I guess I would.    KRAMER: Yeah, yeah.    (Elaine walks in)    ELAINE: You are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctors office today.    JERRY: Not the gown again.    ELAINE: No, no. I was looking at my chart and it said I was difficult. Why would they write that?    JERRY: They have gotten to know you.    (Kramer leaves with Jerry's stereo)    ELAINE: Then the doctor writes more stuff down and doesn't even look at my rash.    GEORGE: Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult.    ELAINE: Oh come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy.    JERRY: Why because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys.    ELAINE: Listen to me you little shi........    GEORGE: Smile.      [Elaine at another doctor's office]    DOCTOR: Well Elaine you really didn't have to put on the gown.    ELAINE: Oh it's my pleasure. I love these. In fact I got one at home. It's perfect when you just want to throw something on.    (Nurse hands the doctor her chart)    DOCTOR: All rightly. Let me just review your history before we begin.    ELAINE: Where did you get my chart?    DOCTOR: From your last doctor. It's a standard procedure.    ELAINE: You know I can tell you my whole history. Let's just.......    DOCTOR: Okay. Let's take a look. Well that doesn't look to serious. You'll be fine.    ELAINE: Please, please. It's really, really itchy.    (Doctor writes more stuff in her chart)      [Jerry at apartment]    (Knock, knock)   POSTAL WORKER DANNY: Seinfeld?    JERRY: Yeah.    POSTAL WORKER DANNY: I got a package for you. Sign here.    JERRY: Who's it from?    POSTAL WORKER DANNY: No return address.    JERRY: What if I don't want it?    POSTAL WORKER: Are you refusing delivery?    JERRY: Maybe I am.    POSTAL WORKER DANNY: Why would you do that?    JERRY: I've never done it before.    POSTAL WORKER DANNY: Why start now?    JERRY: Why not?    POSTAL WORKER DANNY: All right.    (George walks in)    GEORGE: Why did you refuse the package. Everybody loves a package.    JERRY: I don't know it was weird. Crazy printing. I don't know who it was from.    GEORGE: What do you think it's a bomb?    JERRY: It's not totally impossible.    GEORGE: Oh the ego on you.    JERRY: Why can't I be bombable?    GEORGE: Who's going to bomb you. An airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes.    JERRY: I suppose you think your bombable.    GEORGE: Hey. There is a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of the way.    JERRY: There's more than a couple.    GEORGE: Hey. Check these out. I just picked them up from Sheila. She must have loved these.    JERRY: You don't have a Mercedes.    GEORGE: I know. I just sort of leaned on it so it would look like it was mine.    JERRY: The driver seems a little put out.    GEORGE: No. He was fine with it. Check that out.    JERRY: Is that Burt Reynolds?    GEORGE: Wax Museum.    JERRY: Oh.    GEORGE: Oh. What is this?    JERRY: That's a lot of skin.    GEORGE: This must be Sheila from the photo place.    JERRY: You can barely see her face.    GEORGE: She must have slipped it in here.    (Kramer walks in)    KRAMER: I I I    GEORGE: Photo store Sheila.    KRAMER: Well hello Photo store Sheila.    GEORGE: All right. I will see you boys later.    JERRY: Where are you going?    GEORGE: To ask her out.    KRAMER: No, no. Your not playing the game.    GEORGE: What game?    KRAMER: She goes to these lengths to entice you and your only response is " Gee I really like your picture. Would you like to go out on a date with me please. "    GEORGE: No good?    KRAMER: George. It's the timeless art of seduction. You got to join in the dance. She sends you an enticing photo, you send her one right back.    GEORGE: Oh, I don't know.    KRAMER: Well as you know I've always been something of a photog.    JERRY: Oh yeah I like this idea.      [Outside Uncle Leo's apartment]    UNCLE LEO: Hey Danny. Hello. How are you?    POSTAL WORKER DANNY: Hey Leo. Leo what's up with your nephew. He wouldn't except his package.    UNCLE LEO: Oh He wants it. He's just trying to be funny. Yeah I'll sign it .     [George and Elaine in taxi]    ELAINE: And then he starts writing on my chart.    GEORGE: Well why don't you get a hold of it and change what you don't like.    ELAINE: You can't change your chart. It's your chart.    GEORGE: I am in and out of my personnel file at work all the time.    ELAINE: You are!?!    GEORGE: Hey. I've kept the same job for more than two years. It's not luck. Elaine, have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone?    ELAINE: Yeah. I sent one to everyone I know. Remember my Christmas card.    GEORGE: Oh yeah the nipple. But besides that. How did you feel about Kramer's work?    ELAINE: Actually I thought he was very professional.    GEORGE: So it was a good experience.    ELAINE: Oh yeah. In fact I like the picture so much I cropped out the nipple and am using as my health club ID.    GEORGE: Nice.    ELAINE: Yeah it is nice actually.      [Elaine at another doctors]    ELAINE: I need to see Dr. Burke right away. This rash is spreading.    ATTENDANT: He can't see you Miss Benes, he's busy.    ELAINE: Oh come on. Have some compassion. Okay well I hope it's contagious    (Elaine rubs the attendants phone on her neck. Soon after Elaine finds her chart and runs to the elevator)    ELAINE: Come on. Move. (elevator doors reopen; Dr. Burke and two orderlies are revealed) Oh hi Dr. Burke. I didn't know if uh....    DR. BURKE: The chart Miss Benes.    (The doctor writes more stuff in it)    ELAINE: Oh please no more.      [Jerry at his apartment]    (George walks in)    JERRY: Hey    GEORGE: Where's Kramer?    JERRY: He went to get some steak sauce. Why?    GEORGE: Personal matter.    (Phone rings)    JERRY: Hello    UNCLE LEO: Jerry! It's your Uncle Leo! Hello!    JERRY: Hello Leo. You don't have to yell.    UNCLE LEO: I got your package.    JERRY: How did you get my package?    UNCLE LEO: What should I do with it?    JERRY: I don't know what you should do with it.    GEORGE: Tell him to open it.    JERRY: I am not going to treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot.    UNCLE LEO: Jerry, Your cousin Jeffrey is in the Parks Production of "The Mikado". I want you to go see it with me.    JERRY: Open the package Leo.    UNCLE LEO: Okay. Opening.    JERRY: Opening.    (Through the phone: BOOM!!!)     [Jerry's apartment later that day; Jerry and Elaine]    ELAINE: So it wasn't a bomb.    JERRY: No, No bomb.    ELAINE: Well then what?    JERRY: Oh stupid Leo was using one of those oven cleaners. He left the canister in there and the pilot light was on. The whole thing blew up.    ELAINE: But he's okay?    JERRY: Yeah but the explosion singed off his eyebrows, mustache everything. He's all smooth now. Look's like a seal.    (Elaine on phone)    ELAINE: Yeah I am still holding.    (Jerry opens his package)    JERRY: Is this my stereo?    (Kramer walks in)    KRAMER: Hey you got it.    JERRY: What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.    KRAMER: That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.    JERRY: But you were supposed to get me a refund.    KRAMER: You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.    JERRY: So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?    KRAMER: It's just a write off for them.    JERRY: How is it a write off?    KRAMER: They just write it off.    JERRY: Write it off what?    KRAMER: Jerry all these big companies they write off everything    JERRY: You don't even know what a write off is.    KRAMER: Do you?    JERRY: No. I don't.    KRAMER: But they do and they are the ones writing it off.    JERRY: I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back.    (Elaine still on phone)    ELAINE: What?!? He doesn't have one appointment this whole month!?! Oh come on. I am dying here man. Hello, hello.    JERRY: Still no luck    (Kramer leaves with a fan)    ELAINE: Jerry I am at doctor Zimmerman. I am at the end of the alphabet.    JERRY: There's no Zorn or Zoutraph.    ELAINE: There on vacation. Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am .   JERRY: Hey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle Leo is going to see him tomorrow .   ELAINE: Dr. Resnick. He's not listed.    JERRY: He's not that good.    Kramer and George at Kramer's apartment    GEORGE: Elaine said your pretty good at this stuff.    KRAMER: Oh yeah. Elaine was a fun project. I enjoyed working with her.    GEORGE: You don't have your own camera.    KRAMER: Uh no. Look at this. Okay yeah this looks good and I like what your wearing.    GEORGE: I feel fat.    KRAMER: No, no. You're stoked. The camera loves stokedness. Look were not going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. The key word is tasteful. Now I want you to relax and have fun because your a fun guy. All right let's do it. Okay come on. Feel the beat. Feel the beat. You know you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt.    GEORGE: Well do you want me to take it off?    KRAMER: I don't know it's up to you.    GEORGE: Do you think it would be better if I did?    KRAMER: It might be. I mean whatever you want.    GEORGE: ALL RIGHT!!    KRAMER: That's it George. Come on, come on. Give it to me. Come on,work it. Work it. Yeah be a man, be a man.    (Jerry leaving apartment)    KRAMER: You are a lover boy!!    JERRY: Oh yeah. This can't miss.      [Elaine sleeping in bed]    (Phone rings)    ELAINE: Hello.    GUY: Is this Elaine Marie Benes?    ELAINE: Yes. Who it this?    GUY: We are with the American Medical Association. Can you confirm the correct spelling of your last name? Is it B-e-n-e-s.    ELAINE: Yeah. What is this all about    GUY: Good bye.    ELAINE: Hello, hello.    GUY: What?    ELAINE: Oh uh uh...    GUY: Get off the line. Were trying to make another call.      [Uncle Leo and Elaine at Dr. Resnick's office]    UNCLE LEO: Elaine. Hello. What are you doing here?    ELAINE: Leo. Has the doctor been in yet?    UNCLE LEO: No. I am going to ask him about my eyebrows.    ELAINE: Okay listen Leo. Your hairless, your scared. When the doctor comes in let me do the talking. Okay.    (Dr. Resnick walks in)    DR. RESNICK: Leo. I heard you had a little mishap.    UNCLE LEO: It was a fireball.    ELAINE: I should have never left him alone.    DR. RESNICK: And who are you?    ELAINE: I am his nurse... Poloma.    UNCLE LEO: You're not my nurse.    ELAINE: He has good days and bad.    DR. RESNICK: What seems to be the problem?    UNCLE LEO: Are my eyebrows going to grow back?    ELAINE: And he's has a bit of a rash.    DR. RESNICK: Really.    ELAINE: Yeah.    DR. RESNICK: Well there's been a bit of that going around lately. Will you excuse me Poloma. I just need to get some ointment.    ELAINE: I don't like this, it is to easy.    UNCLE LEO: Elaine...    ELAINE: Shut up! I think he's on to us.    UNCLE LEO: Elaine what about my eyebrows?    ELAINE: Shhhhhh. Here.    (Elaine draws fake eyebrows on him)      [Kramer and Jerry at Post Office]    JERRY: I don't like this Kramer. Will it be much longer?    ATTENDANT: I am sorry. It looks like the claim has been red flagged. Your under investigation.    JERRY: Investigation?    NEWMAN: Hello Jerry.    JERRY: Hello Newman.    NEWMAN: Kramer you might as well run along. Jerry might be a while. Suspicion of mail fraud.    KRAMER: Mail fraud. Your in a lot of trouble buddy.      [Uncle Leo at Dr. Resnick's office]   DR. RESNICK: I got your ointment. Where's your nurse?    UNCLE LEO: She left.    DR. RESNICK: No need to get angry. Calm down.    UNCLE LEO: I am calm.    DR. RESNICK: Leo I don't care for your demeanor.    UNCLE LEO: Demeanor?    DR. RESNICK: Now your just being difficult.    UNCLE LEO: What are you writing?      [George at photo store]    GEORGE: So I really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday.    SHEILA: I am glad George.    GEORGE: And here's a roll that I think you may enjoy.    SHEILA: Great.    GEORGE: Shall we say an hour.    (George leaves)    SHEILA: Hey Ron I got to go to lunch. Can you do a roll?    RON: No problem.    SHEILA: By the way. You know that model that is always in here. She's missing one of her lingerie shots. Have you seen it?    RON: No.      [Jerry and Newman at the Post Office]    NEWMAN: All right. Then let me ask you this. Didn't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo. Huh. I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.    JERRY: Define rarely.    NEWMAN: Frequently.    JERRY: Are we about throw here Newman?    NEWMAN: It's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld. Pretty....... Hot .   JERRY: Actually I am quite comfortable.    NEWMAN: Can I have a sip?    JERRY: No.    NEWMAN: Not going to play ball. Huh all right. Admit it that stereo was all ready busted.    JERRY: You can't prove anything.    NEWMAN: Is this or is this not your signature?    JERRY: No in a matter of fact it isn't.    NEWMAN: Uncle Leo? This case is closed pending further evidence. Jerry.      [Kramer and Elaine at doctor's]    ELAINE: Get in there. Get chart. Get out. You got it.    KRAMER: Yeah let me borrow your scarf.    ELAINE: This.    KRAMER: Yeah. All right one chart coming up.    ELAINE: Okay.    KRAMER: Bennette right?    ELAINE: Benes. My last name is Benes you jackass. Yeah.      [Newman walking down the street]    NEWMAN: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.     [Kramer at doctor's]    KRAMER: I like what you've done with that.    ATTENDANT: May I help you?    KRAMER: Yes, yes. I am Dr. Vanostran from the clinic. I need Elaine Benes chart. She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it. It's uh very bad very messy.    ATTENDANT: I see and what clinic is that again?    KRAMER: That's correct.    ATTENDANT: Excuse me.    KRAMER: From The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium.    ATTENDANT: Really?    KRAMER: The Netherlands?    ELAINE: Where's my chart? Did you get it?    KRAMER: No.    ELAINE: What? What happened?    KRAMER: I don't know. But now they got a chart on me.      [George at photo store]    SHEILA: I don't know where they could be.    GEORGE: Can't find them. That's marvelous. The dance continues.    SHEILA: Well if I find them I'll call you.    GEORGE: And maybe we could go out and do something.    SHEILA: Sure.    RON: Hello.    GEORGE: Hi.    (George leaves)    SHEILA: So the little guy finally asked me out.    RON: Really?    SHEILA: Hey I can't find his photo's anywhere.    RON: Oh you know what happened. Some guy from the Post Office confiscated them. He left his card.    SHEILA: Newman?      [George and Jerry at Post Office]    GEORGE: I don't know what Newman wanted to see me for.    NEWMAN: Gentlemen, gentlemen. I am so happy to see you both. There is just some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out.    JERRY: I'm clean and you know it.    NEWMAN: Clean? Hardly. This looks like a man that isn't happy with his stereo performance.    JERRY: Where did you get that?    GEORGE: I think that's one of mine.    NEWMAN: It looks like your breaking into it like an otter breaking into a clad.    JERRY: I don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation.    NEWMAN: Yes. It's called mail fraud. Oohhhh. How I've longed for this moment Seinfeld. The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you are. A monster so vile.....    GUY: NEWMAN!!    NEWMAN: There will be a small fine.    JERRY: Okay.    GEORGE: Can we go now?    NEWMAN: Not so fast pretty boy. There is more to this sorted little affair.    JERRY: Oh my god!!    NEWMAN: This photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived mail order pornography ring.As does this one found in the same disturbing packet.    (Newman holds up a picture of Ron)    GEORGE: OH MY GOD!!!    NEWMAN: We have some questions we'd like you to answer.    JERRY: I have some questions of my own.    (Sheila walks in)    SHEILA: Hi. One of your mailmen....... Oh my god, George!?!    GEORGE: Listen Sheila it's not what you think. I put my trust into the wrong person. He said the key word was tasteful.    JERRY: The timeless art of seduction.    GEORGE: SHEILA!!!       The End [Elaine at the doctor's]   ATTENDANT: The doctor will be with you in a moment.    (Elaine looking at her chart)    ELAINE: Difficult?    DOCTOR: Elaine. You shouldn't be reading that. So tell me about this rash of yours.    ELAINE: Well it's, it's..... You know I noticed that somebody wrote in my chart that I was difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell you that I remember that appointment exactly. You see this nurse asked me to put a gown on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I specifically wore a tank top so I wouldn't have to put a gown on. You know there made of paper.    DOCTOR: Well that was a long time ago. How about if I just erase it. Now about that rash......    ELAINE: But it was in pen. You fake erase.    DOCTOR: All right Miss Benes. This doesn't look to serious. You'll be fine.   ELAINE: What are you writing? Doctor.      [George at Photo Shop]    SHEILA: Here you go.    GEORGE: Thanks.    SHEILA: I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt.    GEORGE: Ohhhhhh      [Jerry, Kramer, and George at the apartment]    JERRY: No. All you got to do is jiggle it with this screwdriver.    GEORGE: Smile    JERRY: What are you doing?    GEORGE: I meet this women, Sheila. She works down at the one hour photo pace. She's got this incredible smile. Like she's got extra teeth or something    JERRY: Extra teeth. I love that look.    GEORGE: Hey check this out. I go to pick up my pictures and she says " I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt."    JERRY: What mustard stain?    GEORGE: Don't you see. She's looking at my pictures.    JERRY: Why did you take a picture of a mustard stain?    GEORGE: That's got nothing to do with it.    JERRY: I see. She's looking.    GEORGE: Yesssss.    KRAMER: Hey, you got to get this thing fixed.    JERRY: They've tried to fix it. But it keeps coming back the same.    KRAMER: Would you like a refund?    JERRY: Well I can't the warranty expired two years ago.    KRAMER: Would you be interested?    JERRY: Well how are you going.....    KRAMER: Would you?    JERRY: I guess I would.    KRAMER: Yeah, yeah.    (Elaine walks in)    ELAINE: You are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctors office today.    JERRY: Not the gown again.    ELAINE: No, no. I was looking at my chart and it said I was difficult. Why would they write that?    JERRY: They have gotten to know you.    (Kramer leaves with Jerry's stereo)    ELAINE: Then the doctor writes more stuff down and doesn't even look at my rash.    GEORGE: Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult.    ELAINE: Oh come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy.    JERRY: Why because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys.    ELAINE: Listen to me you little shi........    GEORGE: Smile.      [Elaine at another doctor's office]    DOCTOR: Well Elaine you really didn't have to put on the gown.    ELAINE: Oh it's my pleasure. I love these. In fact I got one at home. It's perfect when you just want to throw something on.    (Nurse hands the doctor her chart)    DOCTOR: All rightly. Let me just review your history before we begin.    ELAINE: Where did you get my chart?    DOCTOR: From your last doctor. It's a standard procedure.    ELAINE: You know I can tell you my whole history. Let's just.......    DOCTOR: Okay. Let's take a look. Well that doesn't look to serious. You'll be fine.    ELAINE: Please, please. It's really, really itchy.    (Doctor writes more stuff in her chart)      [Jerry at apartment]    (Knock, knock)   POSTAL WORKER DANNY: Seinfeld?    JERRY: Yeah.    POSTAL WORKER DANNY: I got a package for you. Sign here.    JERRY: Who's it from?    POSTAL WORKER DANNY: No return address.    JERRY: What if I don't want it?    POSTAL WORKER: Are you refusing delivery?    JERRY: Maybe I am.    POSTAL WORKER DANNY: Why would you do that?    JERRY: I've never done it before.    POSTAL WORKER DANNY: Why start now?    JERRY: Why not?    POSTAL WORKER DANNY: All right.    (George walks in)    GEORGE: Why did you refuse the package. Everybody loves a package.    JERRY: I don't know it was weird. Crazy printing. I don't know who it was from.    GEORGE: What do you think it's a bomb?    JERRY: It's not totally impossible.    GEORGE: Oh the ego on you.    JERRY: Why can't I be bombable?    GEORGE: Who's going to bomb you. An airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes.    JERRY: I suppose you think your bombable.    GEORGE: Hey. There is a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of the way.    JERRY: There's more than a couple.    GEORGE: Hey. Check these out. I just picked them up from Sheila. She must have loved these.    JERRY: You don't have a Mercedes.    GEORGE: I know. I just sort of leaned on it so it would look like it was mine.    JERRY: The driver seems a little put out.    GEORGE: No. He was fine with it. Check that out.    JERRY: Is that Burt Reynolds?    GEORGE: Wax Museum.    JERRY: Oh.    GEORGE: Oh. What is this?    JERRY: That's a lot of skin.    GEORGE: This must be Sheila from the photo place.    JERRY: You can barely see her face.    GEORGE: She must have slipped it in here.    (Kramer walks in)    KRAMER: I I I    GEORGE: Photo store Sheila.    KRAMER: Well hello Photo store Sheila.    GEORGE: All right. I will see you boys later.    JERRY: Where are you going?    GEORGE: To ask her out.    KRAMER: No, no. Your not playing the game.    GEORGE: What game?    KRAMER: She goes to these lengths to entice you and your only response is " Gee I really like your picture. Would you like to go out on a date with me please. "    GEORGE: No good?    KRAMER: George. It's the timeless art of seduction. You got to join in the dance. She sends you an enticing photo, you send her one right back.    GEORGE: Oh, I don't know.    KRAMER: Well as you know I've always been something of a photog.    JERRY: Oh yeah I like this idea.      [Outside Uncle Leo's apartment]    UNCLE LEO: Hey Danny. Hello. How are you?    POSTAL WORKER DANNY: Hey Leo. Leo what's up with your nephew. He wouldn't except his package.    UNCLE LEO: Oh He wants it. He's just trying to be funny. Yeah I'll sign it .     [George and Elaine in taxi]    ELAINE: And then he starts writing on my chart.    GEORGE: Well why don't you get a hold of it and change what you don't like.    ELAINE: You can't change your chart. It's your chart.    GEORGE: I am in and out of my personnel file at work all the time.    ELAINE: You are!?!    GEORGE: Hey. I've kept the same job for more than two years. It's not luck. Elaine, have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone?    ELAINE: Yeah. I sent one to everyone I know. Remember my Christmas card.    GEORGE: Oh yeah the nipple. But besides that. How did you feel about Kramer's work?    ELAINE: Actually I thought he was very professional.    GEORGE: So it was a good experience.    ELAINE: Oh yeah. In fact I like the picture so much I cropped out the nipple and am using as my health club ID.    GEORGE: Nice.    ELAINE: Yeah it is nice actually.      [Elaine at another doctors]    ELAINE: I need to see Dr. Burke right away. This rash is spreading.    ATTENDANT: He can't see you Miss Benes, he's busy.    ELAINE: Oh come on. Have some compassion. Okay well I hope it's contagious    (Elaine rubs the attendants phone on her neck. Soon after Elaine finds her chart and runs to the elevator)    ELAINE: Come on. Move. (elevator doors reopen; Dr. Burke and two orderlies are revealed) Oh hi Dr. Burke. I didn't know if uh....    DR. BURKE: The chart Miss Benes.    (The doctor writes more stuff in it)    ELAINE: Oh please no more.      [Jerry at his apartment]    (George walks in)    JERRY: Hey    GEORGE: Where's Kramer?    JERRY: He went to get some steak sauce. Why?    GEORGE: Personal matter.    (Phone rings)    JERRY: Hello    UNCLE LEO: Jerry! It's your Uncle Leo! Hello!    JERRY: Hello Leo. You don't have to yell.    UNCLE LEO: I got your package.    JERRY: How did you get my package?    UNCLE LEO: What should I do with it?    JERRY: I don't know what you should do with it.    GEORGE: Tell him to open it.    JERRY: I am not going to treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot.    UNCLE LEO: Jerry, Your cousin Jeffrey is in the Parks Production of "The Mikado". I want you to go see it with me.    JERRY: Open the package Leo.    UNCLE LEO: Okay. Opening.    JERRY: Opening.    (Through the phone: BOOM!!!)     [Jerry's apartment later that day; Jerry and Elaine]    ELAINE: So it wasn't a bomb.    JERRY: No, No bomb.    ELAINE: Well then what?    JERRY: Oh stupid Leo was using one of those oven cleaners. He left the canister in there and the pilot light was on. The whole thing blew up.    ELAINE: But he's okay?    JERRY: Yeah but the explosion singed off his eyebrows, mustache everything. He's all smooth now. Look's like a seal.    (Elaine on phone)    ELAINE: Yeah I am still holding.    (Jerry opens his package)    JERRY: Is this my stereo?    (Kramer walks in)    KRAMER: Hey you got it.    JERRY: What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.    KRAMER: That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.    JERRY: But you were supposed to get me a refund.    KRAMER: You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.    JERRY: So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?    KRAMER: It's just a write off for them.    JERRY: How is it a write off?    KRAMER: They just write it off.    JERRY: Write it off what?    KRAMER: Jerry all these big companies they write off everything    JERRY: You don't even know what a write off is.    KRAMER: Do you?    JERRY: No. I don't.    KRAMER: But they do and they are the ones writing it off.    JERRY: I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back.    (Elaine still on phone)    ELAINE: What?!? He doesn't have one appointment this whole month!?! Oh come on. I am dying here man. Hello, hello.    JERRY: Still no luck    (Kramer leaves with a fan)    ELAINE: Jerry I am at doctor Zimmerman. I am at the end of the alphabet.    JERRY: There's no Zorn or Zoutraph.    ELAINE: There on vacation. Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am .   JERRY: Hey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle Leo is going to see him tomorrow .   ELAINE: Dr. Resnick. He's not listed.    JERRY: He's not that good.    Kramer and George at Kramer's apartment    GEORGE: Elaine said your pretty good at this stuff.    KRAMER: Oh yeah. Elaine was a fun project. I enjoyed working with her.    GEORGE: You don't have your own camera.    KRAMER: Uh no. Look at this. Okay yeah this looks good and I like what your wearing.    GEORGE: I feel fat.    KRAMER: No, no. You're stoked. The camera loves stokedness. Look were not going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. The key word is tasteful. Now I want you to relax and have fun because your a fun guy. All right let's do it. Okay come on. Feel the beat. Feel the beat. You know you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt.    GEORGE: Well do you want me to take it off?    KRAMER: I don't know it's up to you.    GEORGE: Do you think it would be better if I did?    KRAMER: It might be. I mean whatever you want.    GEORGE: ALL RIGHT!!    KRAMER: That's it George. Come on, come on. Give it to me. Come on,work it. Work it. Yeah be a man, be a man.    (Jerry leaving apartment)    KRAMER: You are a lover boy!!    JERRY: Oh yeah. This can't miss.      [Elaine sleeping in bed]    (Phone rings)    ELAINE: Hello.    GUY: Is this Elaine Marie Benes?    ELAINE: Yes. Who it this?    GUY: We are with the American Medical Association. Can you confirm the correct spelling of your last name? Is it B-e-n-e-s.    ELAINE: Yeah. What is this all about    GUY: Good bye.    ELAINE: Hello, hello.    GUY: What?    ELAINE: Oh uh uh...    GUY: Get off the line. Were trying to make another call.      [Uncle Leo and Elaine at Dr. Resnick's office]    UNCLE LEO: Elaine. Hello. What are you doing here?    ELAINE: Leo. Has the doctor been in yet?    UNCLE LEO: No. I am going to ask him about my eyebrows.    ELAINE: Okay listen Leo. Your hairless, your scared. When the doctor comes in let me do the talking. Okay.    (Dr. Resnick walks in)    DR. RESNICK: Leo. I heard you had a little mishap.    UNCLE LEO: It was a fireball.    ELAINE: I should have never left him alone.    DR. RESNICK: And who are you?    ELAINE: I am his nurse... Poloma.    UNCLE LEO: You're not my nurse.    ELAINE: He has good days and bad.    DR. RESNICK: What seems to be the problem?    UNCLE LEO: Are my eyebrows going to grow back?    ELAINE: And he's has a bit of a rash.    DR. RESNICK: Really.    ELAINE: Yeah.    DR. RESNICK: Well there's been a bit of that going around lately. Will you excuse me Poloma. I just need to get some ointment.    ELAINE: I don't like this, it is to easy.    UNCLE LEO: Elaine...    ELAINE: Shut up! I think he's on to us.    UNCLE LEO: Elaine what about my eyebrows?    ELAINE: Shhhhhh. Here.    (Elaine draws fake eyebrows on him)      [Kramer and Jerry at Post Office]    JERRY: I don't like this Kramer. Will it be much longer?    ATTENDANT: I am sorry. It looks like the claim has been red flagged. Your under investigation.    JERRY: Investigation?    NEWMAN: Hello Jerry.    JERRY: Hello Newman.    NEWMAN: Kramer you might as well run along. Jerry might be a while. Suspicion of mail fraud.    KRAMER: Mail fraud. Your in a lot of trouble buddy.      [Uncle Leo at Dr. Resnick's office]   DR. RESNICK: I got your ointment. Where's your nurse?    UNCLE LEO: She left.    DR. RESNICK: No need to get angry. Calm down.    UNCLE LEO: I am calm.    DR. RESNICK: Leo I don't care for your demeanor.    UNCLE LEO: Demeanor?    DR. RESNICK: Now your just being difficult.    UNCLE LEO: What are you writing?      [George at photo store]    GEORGE: So I really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday.    SHEILA: I am glad George.    GEORGE: And here's a roll that I think you may enjoy.    SHEILA: Great.    GEORGE: Shall we say an hour.    (George leaves)    SHEILA: Hey Ron I got to go to lunch. Can you do a roll?    RON: No problem.    SHEILA: By the way. You know that model that is always in here. She's missing one of her lingerie shots. Have you seen it?    RON: No.      [Jerry and Newman at the Post Office]    NEWMAN: All right. Then let me ask you this. Didn't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo. Huh. I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.    JERRY: Define rarely.    NEWMAN: Frequently.    JERRY: Are we about throw here Newman?    NEWMAN: It's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld. Pretty....... Hot .   JERRY: Actually I am quite comfortable.    NEWMAN: Can I have a sip?    JERRY: No.    NEWMAN: Not going to play ball. Huh all right. Admit it that stereo was all ready busted.    JERRY: You can't prove anything.    NEWMAN: Is this or is this not your signature?    JERRY: No in a matter of fact it isn't.    NEWMAN: Uncle Leo? This case is closed pending further evidence. Jerry.      [Kramer and Elaine at doctor's]    ELAINE: Get in there. Get chart. Get out. You got it.    KRAMER: Yeah let me borrow your scarf.    ELAINE: This.    KRAMER: Yeah. All right one chart coming up.    ELAINE: Okay.    KRAMER: Bennette right?    ELAINE: Benes. My last name is Benes you jackass. Yeah.      [Newman walking down the street]    NEWMAN: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.     [Kramer at doctor's]    KRAMER: I like what you've done with that.    ATTENDANT: May I help you?    KRAMER: Yes, yes. I am Dr. Vanostran from the clinic. I need Elaine Benes chart. She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it. It's uh very bad very messy.    ATTENDANT: I see and what clinic is that again?    KRAMER: That's correct.    ATTENDANT: Excuse me.    KRAMER: From The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium.    ATTENDANT: Really?    KRAMER: The Netherlands?    ELAINE: Where's my chart? Did you get it?    KRAMER: No.    ELAINE: What? What happened?    KRAMER: I don't know. But now they got a chart on me.      [George at photo store]    SHEILA: I don't know where they could be.    GEORGE: Can't find them. That's marvelous. The dance continues.    SHEILA: Well if I find them I'll call you.    GEORGE: And maybe we could go out and do something.    SHEILA: Sure.    RON: Hello.    GEORGE: Hi.    (George leaves)    SHEILA: So the little guy finally asked me out.    RON: Really?    SHEILA: Hey I can't find his photo's anywhere.    RON: Oh you know what happened. Some guy from the Post Office confiscated them. He left his card.    SHEILA: Newman?      [George and Jerry at Post Office]    GEORGE: I don't know what Newman wanted to see me for.    NEWMAN: Gentlemen, gentlemen. I am so happy to see you both. There is just some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out.    JERRY: I'm clean and you know it.    NEWMAN: Clean? Hardly. This looks like a man that isn't happy with his stereo performance.    JERRY: Where did you get that?    GEORGE: I think that's one of mine.    NEWMAN: It looks like your breaking into it like an otter breaking into a clad.    JERRY: I don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation.    NEWMAN: Yes. It's called mail fraud. Oohhhh. How I've longed for this moment Seinfeld. The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you are. A monster so vile.....    GUY: NEWMAN!!    NEWMAN: There will be a small fine.    JERRY: Okay.    GEORGE: Can we go now?    NEWMAN: Not so fast pretty boy. There is more to this sorted little affair.    JERRY: Oh my god!!    NEWMAN: This photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived mail order pornography ring.As does this one found in the same disturbing packet.    (Newman holds up a picture of Ron)    GEORGE: OH MY GOD!!!    NEWMAN: We have some questions we'd like you to answer.    JERRY: I have some questions of my own.    (Sheila walks in)    SHEILA: Hi. One of your mailmen....... Oh my god, George!?!    GEORGE: Listen Sheila it's not what you think. I put my trust into the wrong person. He said the key word was tasteful.    JERRY: The timeless art of seduction.    GEORGE: SHEILA!!!       The End<|endoftext|>Episode 5 - The Stock Tip  pc: 105, season 1, episode 4  Broadcast date: June 21, 1990   Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld  Directed By Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Lynn Clark  ......................... Vanessa  Ted Davis ............................. Dry Cleaner  Jill C. Klein ........................... Waitress  Benjamin Lum ..................... Stock Boy   ==================================================================   INT. COMEDY CLUB   (Jerry is on stage, performing.)   JERRY: Went out to dinner the other night. Check came at the end of the meal, as it always does. Never liked the check at the end of the meal system, because money’s a very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat, money has no value. And you don’t care about money when you’re hungry. You sit down at a restaurant, you’re like the ruler of an empire. “More drinks, appetizers, quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of our lives.” Then after the meal, you know, you’ve got the pants open, you’ve got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes. Then the check comes at that moment. People are always upset, you know. They’re mystified by the check. “What is this? How could this be?” They start passing it around the table, “Does this look right to you? We’re not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?”     INT. MONK’S DINER – DAY   (Jerry and George sit at a booth.)   JERRY: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.   GEORGE: I never heard him say anything really funny.   JERRY: But it’s common sense. He’s got super strength, super speed. I’m sure he’s got super humor.   GEORGE: You would think that, but either you’re born with a sense of humor, or you’re not. It’s not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.   JERRY: Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?   GEORGE: I don’t know. But he ain’t funny.   (Elaine joins them. The boys check their watches.)   ELAINE: I know, I know. I’m sorry I’m late.   JERRY: No problem.   ELAINE: I dropped a grape.   GEORGE: Pardon?   ELAINE: I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. I couldn’t find it. I was, I was literally on my knees for ten minutes looking for this stupid grape. I have no idea where it went.   JERRY: Were you crying? I mean, it’s just a grape. You’ll find it.   ELAINE: No, I’m just getting over an allergy attack. This guy I’m going out with...   JERRY: Robert.   ELAINE: Robert. Yes. Thank you. He has two cats and I’m allergic to them. You know, I finally meet a normal man, and I can’t even go into his apartment, you know. And, of course, my apartment is the actor’s studio so we can’t go there. It’s really causing a lot of problems, you know. He won’t even go away for the weekend because of these cats.   GEORGE: Guys with cats... I don’t know.   JERRY: I’ve been thinking about asking this girl I’m, uh, seeing-   ELAINE: Vanessa.   JERRY: Vanessa, thank you. I’ve been thinking about asking her to go away for a couple of days.   GEORGE: Oh, no. No no no no no. I’d have to advise against that. What, do you know this woman a month? Let’s see, you’re going to be with her seventy-two hours. That’s a dating decathlon.   ELAINE: (balancing a spoon on her nose) Hey, why don’t you take her to that place in Vermont I was telling you about? You know, that really charming place with the separate faucets for the hot and cold. She’ll love it.   GEORGE: That’s exquisite. Listen, uh, if it’s not too much trouble, could you pass me that paper over there?   (Elaine gets the paper, and George starts flipping through it.)   JERRY: You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form. There was once a mutant grape that terrorized an entire town in the Texas panhandle. They brought in the army, nobody could stop it. Apparently it had a pit of steel.   (Elaine gives Jerry a look)   GEORGE: Up again?! This is incredible! I’m.. I’m getting it.   ELAINE: You’re getting what?   GEORGE: A stock.   JERRY: What stock?   GEORGE: Did you ever meet my friend, Simons?   JERRY: Maybe.   GEORGE: He knows this guy, Wilkinson. He made a fortune in the stock market. Now he’s got some new thing. You know, there’s supposed to be a big merger. He wasn’t even supposed to say anything. You guys should think about doing this too.   JERRY: How high’s it suppose to go?   GEORGE: I don’t know. But Simons said that if I wanted to get involved, that Wilkinson would tell me the exact right minute to sell. You wanna do it?   JERRY: Boy... I don’t know.   ELAINE: I’d do it but I don’t have any money.   JERRY: What kind of company is it?   GEORGE: It’s called Sendrax. They’ve got some new kind of technique for televising opera.   ELAINE: Televising opera?   GEORGE: Some sort of electronic thingy.   JERRY: Well, how much are you going to invest?   GEORGE: Five thousand... Ten. Ten thousand. Five thousand.   JERRY: Boy...   GEORGE: C’mon. Wilkinson’s got millions invested in this stock. It’s gone up three points since I’ve been watching it.   JERRY: What if I lose it?   GEORGE: C’mon, go for twenty-five hundred. We’ll do it together. Come on, come on. We’re in it together.   JERRY: All right. Twenty-five hundred.   GEORGE: That’s it.   (The waitress arrives.)   WAITRESS: Yeah, can I take your order?   GEORGE: (Gesturing to Jerry) Check the raiser.   JERRY: My bet? All right. I’ll open with a tuna sandwich.   ELAINE: Tuna?   JERRY: Oh, the dolphin thing?   ELAINE: They’re dying in the nets.   JERRY: Ohhh... You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna.   ELAINE: Jerry, can’t you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine?   JERRY: Hey, when I’m driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time. I’m always waving everybody in. “Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.” ...All right. All right. I’ll have a chicken salad.   ELAINE: And I’m going to have an English muffin with margarine on the side and a cup of coffee.   WAITRESS: Okay. (To George) What about you?   GEORGE: I’ll have the tuna.     INT. SUPERMARKET – NIGHT   (Jerry and Vanessa are on a date.)   JERRY: I have to say, those people talking behind us really ruined that movie for me.   VANESSA: Why didn’t you do something?   JERRY: What do you want me to do? I gave the guy the half-turn. (acts like he did in the movie) Then I gave him the full-turn with the eye roll. (does the next look) I mean, beyond that, I’m risking a punch in the mouth. (To a stock boy) Excuse me, do you have these in the puffs?   STOCK BOY: No puffs. Just flakes.   JERRY : Have you thought any more about that trip?   VANESSA: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it.   JERRY: You know, my friend told me about this great place in Vermont.   VANESSA: I don’t know. I just worry about trips like this. It’s a lot of pressure.   JERRY: It’s great! It speeds up the intimacy level. It’s like putting the relationship in a time compressor. Where we would be six months from now we accomplish (snaps his fingers) three days.   VANESSA: Oh, so you want to move our relationship into Phase Two?   JERRY: Exactly. I love Phase Two. Extra toothbrushes, increased phone call frequency, walking around naked. You know, the presents get a lot better in Phase Two.   VANESSA: Really? Could we go fishing up there?   JERRY: Yeah. We can fish. What? Blues, carp, marlin?   VANESSA: They have marlin in Vermont?   JERRY: Oh, big fighting marlin. (Jerry acts like he is catching a marlin)   (Jerry picks up a newspaper.)   VANESSA: Jerry, the stock is the same as when you checked it earlier. There are no changes after the market closes. The stock is still down.   JERRY : I know. But this is a different paper. I thought maybe they have, uh, different... sources.     INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT   (Jerry is looking at a road map. Kramer enters with a newspaper.)   JERRY: Is that my paper?   KRAMER: Bad news, my friend.   JERRY: What? What news?   KRAMER : Sendrax.   JERRY: Oh, c’mon! It’s down again?!   KRAMER: Two and a half points.   JERRY: Oh, I can’t believe it. Let me see that. (Jerry takes the paper.) That’s four and a half points in three days! That’s almost half my money!   KRAMER: Hey, I told you.   JERRY: (sarcastic) Yeah, you told me.   KRAMER: It’s all manipulated with junk bonds. You can’t win.   (Jerry picks up the reciever of his phone, and dials.)   JERRY: There’s one thing I don’t understand. Why does it please you? (to the phone) George Costanza, please.   KRAMER: Hey, I don’t care. I’m just telling you to (yelling) get rid of that stock, now!   JERRY: (to the phone) George, what’s going on?!   KRAMER: Sell it, just say I’m selling!   JERRY: (to the phone) Well, where is the guy?!... Nothing?! Almost half my money’s gone... Well, call me right back. (Jerry hangs up.) Nobody can reach Wilkinson. He hasn’t been home or in his office in the past three days!   KRAMER: You know, I can’t believe you put your money in that Sendrax. And you could’ve invested in my roll-out tie dispenser.   JERRY: Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that one?   KRAMER: Okay, you’re in a restaurant. You’ve got a very big meeting coming up...   JERRY: Okay...   KRAMER: (looks at his shirt as if he had a tie on) Oh man, you got mustard on your tie!   JERRY: (going along with it) Oh No!   KRAMER: You just (makes the tearing sound) tear it off, and vvvvrrrpppp you got a new one right here. Then you’re gone.   JERRY: You’re gone all right.   KRAMER: (Looking at map) Hey, where, where are you going? You gonna take a trip? The map... what...   JERRY: Yeah, I’m going to Vermont with uh Vanessa for a few days.   KRAMER: Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend.   JERRY: What friends?   KRAMER: Well, it’s just some people I met at a rock concert. (Phone rings.) Do you mind if they use your bed? (Jerry give Kramer a look.) ‘Cause they’re really good people, Jerry. I’m telling you. You know, they’re anarchists. They’re.. they’re.. they’re.. huge.   (Jerry answers the phone.)   JERRY: George- What?! You’re kidding... Well, what’s wrong?... So, what are we gonna do?... Great!... All right, I’ll speak to you later. (He hangs up.) Wilkinson, the guy who’s supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, he’s in the hospital.   (Kramer smiles.)     INT. DRY CLEANERS – DAY   (Jerry and George are in line. )   JERRY: So you don’t know what’s wrong with him?   GEORGE: All Simons was able to find out is that he’s in the hospital.   JERRY: Okay, fine. Has Simons been in touch with him?   GEORGE: Of course he’s been in touch with him. He’s left two messages. He just hasn’t heard back yet, that’s all.   JERRY: Well, this is it. I’m selling.   GEORGE: Just give it a little more time.   JERRY: I never should’ve gotten involved in this. I’m a nervous wreck. I’m not cut out for investing.   GEORGE: All right, all right. That’s it. I’m gonna go down there.   JERRY: Where?   GEORGE: To the hospital.   JERRY: The hospital?   GEORGE: I’m going to find out what’s going on. All right?   JERRY: Are you nuts? You don’t even know the guy.   GEORGE: So what? I’ll start talking to him, you know, casual, and I’ll work my way around to it.   JERRY: What if he’s in an iron lung or something? What are you gonna do? (Jerry knocks on imaginary glass.) “How you feeling, Mr. Wilkinson?” (He makes a hissing sound.) “By the way, what’s happening with Sendrax?”   GEORGE: Maybe he’s resting.   JERRY: Who goes to the hospital to rest?   GEORGE: What are you, a doctor?   JERRY: Okay, fine, fine. When are you going down there?   GEORGE: Today. I’m going today. Just don’t do anything until you hear from me.   JERRY: All right.   (Jerry moves up in line; a woman takes his place. George does not notice.)   GEORGE: (to the woman) Boy, I have to get to a bathroom.   (Woman gives him a look.)   DRY CLEANER: (to Jerry) May I help you?   JERRY: Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. It’s completely shrunk. There’s absolutely no way I can wear it.   DRY CLEANER: When did you bring it in?   JERRY: What’s the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?!   DRY CLEANER: You got a receipt?   JERRY: I can’t find the receipt.   DRY CLEANER: You should get the receipt.   JERRY: Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! It’s a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?!   DRY CLEANER: Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?   JERRY: What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? In fact, forget the money. I don’t even want the money. I just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That’s what I want. I want an admission of guilt.   DRY CLEANER: Maybe you asked for it to be washed.   JERRY: No! Dry-cleaned.   DRY CLEANE: Let me explain to you something, okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing-   JERRY: You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it!   DRY CLEANER: (looks around making sure not too many people are listening) I shrunk it.     INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT   (Jerry is on stage, performing.)   JERRY: I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner, “Well, it’s ruined.” And of course, the dry cleaner can respond, “It’s not our fault. We’re not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That ends our legal obligation.” You see, the whole problem with dry cleaning is that we all believe that this is actually possible. Th-Right? They’re cleaning our clothes, but they’re not getting anything wet. It’s all dry. I know there’s gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids that they’re using. There’s no such thing as dry cleaning. When you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt and try to get it off like that (Jerry brushes off his shirt.) That’s dry cleaning. I don’t think that’s what they’re doing back there. They don’t have eighty guys going, “Come on, hurry up! There’s a lot of shirts today!”     INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT   (Jerry and Elaine are there. Elaine sneezes.)   JERRY: Bless you.   ELAINE: Thank you. What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they’re clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can’t count to ten, so don’t give me hygiene.   JERRY : So what are you gonna do?   ELAINE: I don’t know. I can’t think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?   JERRY: Well, it couldn’t be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?   ELAINE: What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks?   JERRY: I’m no cat killer.   ELAINE: How about we go over there right now and we shave them?   JERRY: I’d really like to go, Elaine. But, George is coming back from the hospital. I gotta wait for him. But otherwise I would definitely go.   ELAINE: He actually went to the hospital?   JERRY: Yeah.   ELAINE: Oh man, he’s nuts.   JERRY: Yeah, he’s nuts. You wanta bump off a couple of cats. (Enter Kramer, holding a paper up to Jerry.) I know, I know. It’s down again.   KRAMER: How much are you down altogether?   JERRY: I don’t know.. fifteen hundred dollars.   KRAMER: Wow.   JERRY: You don’t have to say “Wow.” I know it’s “Wow.” (Kramer smiling) And there’s that smile again. Well, what is that? (Intercom buzzes.) It’s George.   (Jerry presses the button to let George in. Elaine goes into the bathroom. Kramer picks up some binoculars and looks out the window.)   KRAMER: Oh, look at this one by the bus stop. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.   JERRY: I really don’t need to look.   KRAMER: What a body. Yeeaahh. That’s for me.   JERRY: Yeah, and you’re just what she’s looking for too – a stranger leering through a pair of binoculars ten floors up.   KRAMER: I’m gonna go down there and try and talk to her.   (Kramer exits. George enters and flops onto the couch.)   JERRY: What? What? Did you go down there? (George nods.) Did he tell you what’s gonna happen? (George shakes his head.) How long were you there?   GEORGE: Fifteen seconds.   JERRY: You told him you knew Simons?   GEORGE: Yeah, I mentioned Simons. Next thing I know, I’m in the parking lot. Perhaps they had some sort of a falling out. I’ll tell you one thing. I don’t know what he’s got. But for a sick guy, he’s very strong.   (Elaine exits bathroom.)   JERRY: Well, that’s it. Look, I’m going to Vermont. I don’t want to think about this. I’m selling.   ELAINE: Didn’t work, huh?   GEORGE: (laughs) Not quite.   ELAINE: We-Well, what are you gonna do about the stock?   GEORGE: I’m keeping it. I’m going down with the ship.     INT. COUNTRY INN’S LOBBY - DAY   (Jerry and Vanessa are well into their weekend together. It’s raining outside.)   JERRY: So I know this guy. I’m getting all my sneakers at a discount now.   VANESSA: I know. You mentioned it.   JERRY: Oh yeah, right.   JERRY: (thinking) Oh God. Get me out of here. What a mistake. What made me think this would work? And I’ve still got another day! I’ve got nothing left to say. Wait... wait... Got one. (to Vanessa) That’s a nice watch. Do you wind it?   VANESSA: No, it’s got a little battery.   JERRY: Well, that’s good.   JERRY: (thinking) Well, the drive home should be a delight. I’m speeding the whole way. Let them throw me in jail. I don’t care. (to Vanessa) That's the manager? Do you want me to see if we can get another room?   VANESSA: No, it’s okay.   JERRY: So, I guess you don’t find the separate faucets for the hot and cold, charming?   VANESSA: Not especially.   JERRY: Well, what do you want to do this afternoon?   VANESSA: What can we do? It’s raining.   JERRY: We cold play “Sorry!” We cold play “Steal the Old Man’s Bundle.” (Vanessa not amused; Jerry thinking) Maybe I can get an extension cord and hang myself. (to Vanessa) What kind of perfume is that you’re wearing?   VANESSA: Oh, you’ve never heard of it.   JERRY: No, what? What kind is it?   VANESSA: I can’t tell you.   JERRY: (thinking) Yeah, that’s normal. (to a man nearby) Excuse me, sir. Could I have a look at that business section?   VANESSA: That stock? I thought you got out of that?   JERRY: I did. I’m just curious. It’s been almost a week. I want to check it out. (He finds the stock.) Six points? (to Vanessa) It’s up six points!   VANESSA: I told you not to sell.   JERRY: You did not tell me not to sell.   VANESSA: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?   JERRY: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!   VANESSA: That’s probably why we're-   (She stops herself.)   JERRY: What?   VANESSA: Forget it.   JERRY: No, what? ‘That’s probably why..’   VANESSA: That’s probably why we’re staying here, because you lost money on the stock.   JERRY: (thinking) So, what am I looking at here? Twenty-nine hours to go. Well, at least I got plenty of time to find out the name of that perfume...     INT. MONK’S DINER – NIGHT   (Jerry, George and Elaine are there, having just eaten.)   GEORGE: (laughing) Have something else. C’mon, have a little dessert?   JERRY : I’m good, thanks.   GEORGE: Elaine, get something! It’s all taken care of.   ELAINE: I’m kinda full.   GEORGE: So don’t finish it.   JERRY: (acidly) She’s full. So, Big Daddy. I’m just curious. How much did you clear on your little transaction there, all told?   GEORGE: I don’t like to discuss figures.   JERRY: How much?   GEORGE: I don’t know, what? Eight thousand. It’s a Hyundai. Get out of here. I told you not to sell. Simons made money, Wilkinson cleaned up.   JERRY: So, Wilkinson’s out of the hospital now?   GEORGE : No. You’d be surprised. You don’t recover that quickly from a nose job.   (Elaine sneezes.)   ELAINE: Oh god.   JERRY: Is that still from the cats?   ELAINE: No, I just have a cold.   JERRY: So, what ever happened with that?   ELAINE: I gave him an ultimatum.   (Jerry looks at her. Elaine shrugs.)   GEORGE: He chose the cats?   ELAINE: They’re very clean animals.   JERRY: I gotta say, that’s pretty sad. Losing out to a cat.   ELAINE: Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume.   GEORGE: I told you those trips were relationship killers. Too bad you can’t get your buddy Superman to fly around the Earth at super speed and reverse time. You’d get all the money back, you could have avoided the whole trip to Vermont...   ELAINE: Superman can go back in time?   JERRY: We went over that.   GEORGE: Pst. (moves in close with Elaine and Jerry) Wilkinson’s got a bite on a new one. Petramco Corp. Out of, uh Springfield. I think. They’re about to introduce some sort of a robot butcher.   JERRY: A robot butcher?   GEORGE: Shhhhh. If you want to get in, there’s very little time. (calling to the waitress) Sweetheart.. (Waitress approaches and tears off a check. George stops her.) No, no, no. That ought to cover it. (He hands her some money; she turns to leave; George stops her.) Just a second. Just a... let me jus-peek... (He looks at the check, then takes some money out of her hand. George urges Jerry and Elaine to eat.) Come on, come on, come on...     INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT   (Jerry is on stage, performing.)   JERRY: I’m not an investor. People always tell me, you should have your money working for you. I’ve decided I’ll do the work. I’m gonna let the money relax. You know what I mean? ‘Cause you send your money out there – working for you – a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, “What happened? I had my money. It was here, it was working for me.” “Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go.”    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 111 - The Engagement  pc: 701, season 7, episode 1  Broadcast date: September 21, 1995   Written by Larry David  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Mario Joyner ....................... Himself  Janni Brenn ......................... Woman #2  Mailon Rivera ...................... Cop #1  Athena Massey ................... Melanie  Ron Byron  ......................... Man  Renee Phillips ...................... Alice  Cindy Cheung .................... Woman #1  rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman  rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... FRANK: Costanza  rc: Estelle Harris ................. Estelle Costanza  rc: Heidi Swedberg ............. Susan Biddle Ross   ==================================================================   [George's Apartment]   GEORGE: Well, you got no place to go. I'll tell you what your problem is: You brought your queen out too fast. What do you think? She's one of these feminists looking to get out of the house? No, the queen is old fashioned. . Likes to stay home. Cook. Take care of her man. Make sure he feels good.   LIZ: Checkmate.   GEORGE: I don't think we should see each other any more.     [At Elaine's. She's trying to get some rest.]   (dogs barking)   ELAINE: Shut up! Shut up! You stupid mutt.     [Monk's]   JERRY: And you broke up with her 'cuz she beat you at chess? That's pretty sick.   GEORGE: I don't see how I could perform sexually in a situation after something like that. I was completely emasculated. Anyway, it's not the only reason.   JERRY: Yeah, what else?   GEORGE: All right. You wanna know what one of her favorite expressions is? Happy, Pappy?   JERRY: Happy, Pappy? What does that mean?   GEORGE: Like if she wants to know if I'm pleased with something, she'll say, "Happy, Pappy?"   JERRY: Oh, you're "Pappy".   GEORGE: I'm "Pappy".   JERRY: Oh, I get it. Why don't you just say it?   GEORGE: Oh, come on. What, are you kidding? GEORGE: I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind there backs. Anyway, look who's talking. You just broke up with with Melanie last week because she "shuushed you" while you were watching TV.   JERRY: Hey, I got a real thing about "shushing"!   GEORGE: What is this? Did you ever get the feeling like you've had a haircut but you didn't have one? I'm all itchy back here.   JERRY: Ahh.   GEORGE: What?   JERRY: What is this? What are we doing? What in god's name are we doing?   GEORGE: What?   JERRY: OUR LIVES!! . What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men.   GEORGE: No, we're not. We're not men.   JERRY: We come up with all these stupid reasons to break up with these women.   GEORGE: I know. I know. That's what I do. That's what I do.   JERRY: Are we going to be sitting here when we're sixty like two idiots?   GEORGE: . We should be having dinner with our sons when we're sixty.   JERRY: We're pathetic… you know that?   GEORGE: Yeah, Like I don't know that I'm pathetic.   JERRY: Why can't I be normal?   GEORGE: Yes. Me, too. I wanna be normal. Normal.   JERRY: It would be nice to care about someone.   GEORGE: Yes. Yes. Care. You know who I think about a lot? Remember SUSAN: ? The one that used to work for NBC?   JERRY: Hmm. I thought she became a lesbian.   GEORGE: No. It didn't take.   JERRY: Oh.   GEORGE: Did I tell you I ran into her last week? Ho-ho, she looked great.   JERRY: Hmm.   GEORGE: You thought she was good looking, right?   JERRY: See, there you go again. What is the difference what I think?   GEORGE: I was just curious.   JERRY: Well, this is it. I'm really gonna do something about my life, you know? You know, I think I'm gonna call Melanie again. So what if she shushed me. GEORGE:, I am really gonna make some changes.   GEORGE: Yes. Changes.   JERRY: I'm serious about it.   GEORGE: Think I'M not?   JERRY: I'm not kidding.   GEORGE: Me, too.     [At JERRY:'s. He's on the phone]   JERRY: Melanie, you can shush me at every opportunity. 5? 3? Oh, it was just an expression. All right, well, that's very sweet of you. Okay, I'll call you later. All right, bye. Hey!   KRAMER: What?   JERRY: I had a very interesting lunch with GEORGE: Costanza today.   KRAMER: Really?   JERRY: We were talking about our lives and we both kind of realized we're kids. We're not men.   KRAMER: So, then you asked yourselves, "Isn't there something more to life?"   JERRY: Yes. We did.   KRAMER: Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something. There isn't.   JERRY: There isn't?   KRAMER: Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, JERRY:? Marriage? Family?   JERRY: Well...   KRAMER: They're prisons. Man made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning. She's there. You go to sleep at night. She's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?   JERRY: Really?   KRAMER: Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating.   JERRY: I can?   KRAMER: Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it's dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner?   JERRY: What?   KRAMER: You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know. How about you? How was your day?   JERRY: Boy.   KRAMER: It's sad , Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs..   JERRY: I'm glad we had this talk.   KRAMER: Oh, you have no idea.     [Apiphany scene - on the pier]   GEORGE: La-la-la...     [Jerry's. Elaine pops in, she looks like something the cat just dragged in]   KRAMER: Hey.   JERRY: Hey.   ELAINE: Three hours of sleep again last night.. Three hours of sleep because of that dog.   KRAMER: What dog?   KRAMER: Yeah. What dog?   ELAINE: This dog in the courtyard across from my bedroom window that never never stops barking..   KRAMER: Don't...   ELAINE: I lost my voice screaming at this thing. I can't sleep. I can't work. I mean, I just moved. I can't move again. What am I gonna do? What? What am I gonna do?   KRAMER: Well, there is something you can do.   ELAINE: What? KRAMER:, I'll do anything.   KRAMER: Well, what if there should be an unfortunate accident?   JERRY: You're going to rub out the dog?   KRAMER: No, no. Not me. I just happen to know someone who specializes in exactely these kinds of sticky situations.   ELAINE: Uh-huh.   JERRY: What, you're considering this?   KRAMER: Look, just meet with him. ?????.     [Newman's - dark and dangerous]   ELAINE: I don't really know why I'm here. Kramer talked me into coming up here. But, obviously, I could never really do anything.   NEWMAN: Of course. Obviously.   ELAINE: Uh, so, anyway, I'm sorry for wasting your time.   NEWMAN: What kind of dog did you say it was?   ELAINE: Um, I don't know. I've never really seen it.   NEWMAN: I see many dogs on my mail route. I'll bet there's not one type of mutt or mongrel I haven't run across.   NEWMAN: If you ask me, they have no business living amongst us. Vile, USELESS BEASTS . . .   KRAMER: NEWMAN: ! Stop it!!   NEWMAN: Anyway.   ELAINE: Yeah. Well um, I was just curious if I were interested in availing myself of your services, um, what exactly would you do?   NEWMAN: Well, ELAINE:, There's any number of things I could do. But, I can promise you this, though, this vicious beast will never bother you again. So, what's it going to be?   ELAINE: No, I'm sorry. I can't hurt a dog. I can't hurt a dog. I can't.   KRAMER: I got it. We'll kidnap him . and we'll drop him off Upstate and this way he won't bother you anymore and he won't get hurt.   NEWMAN: Yeah, I suppose.   KRAMER: Huh?   ELAINE: I'd have to think about it. I doubt it, though. I doubt it. I'll let you know.   NEWMAN: Of course. Take your time. I be here.     [GEORGE: is still at the pier. His thoughts shift somewhat.]   GEORGE: La-la-la-la-la-la-la! [flashbacks to Susan]     [Elaine's .- makes phone call]   ELAINE: All right. Let's do it.   NEWMAN: Excellent. Excellent.     [Restaurant]   JERRY: How come you're eating your peas one at a time?   MELANIE: I'm sorry.     [Susan's]   SUSAN: Who is it?   GEORGE: It's GEORGE:.   SUSAN: GEORGE:? GEORGE:, what is it?   GEORGE: Will you marry me?     [George is on the phone.]   GEORGE: Ma, guess what!   MRS. COSTANZA: Oh, my god!   GEORGE: No, it's nothing bad. I'm getting married.   MRS. COSTANZA: You're what?   GEORGE: I'm getting married?   MRS. COSTANZA: Oh, my god! You're getting married?   GEORGE: Yes!   MRS. COSTANZA: Oh, I can't believe it. FRANK:, come here.   FRANK: You come here.   MRS. COSTANZA: Georgie's getting married.   FRANK: What?   MRS. COSTANZA: Georgie's getting married.   FRANK: Get the hell out of here. He's getting married?   MRS. COSTANZA: Yes.   FRANK: To a woman?   MRS. COSTANZA: Of course to a woman. What's she look like?   FRANK: I'm sure she's pretty gorgeous.   GEORGE: What difference does it make what she looks like?   MRS. COSTANZA: Is she pretty?   GEORGE: Yes, she's pretty. What difference does it make?   MRS. COSTANZA: Oh, I'm just curious.   FRANK: She's not pretty?   MRS. COSTANZA: Let me talk to her.   GEORGE: She wants to talk to you.   SUSAN: Uh, hello?   MRS. COSTANZA: Congratulations!   SUSAN: I just want you to know that I love your son very much.   MRS. COSTANZA: You do?   SUSAN: Yes.   MRS. COSTANZA: Really?   SUSAN: Yes.   MRS. COSTANZA: May I ask why?   FRANK: Okay...   MRS. COSTANZA: Will you stop. I'm on the telephone.   FRANK: Can I talk to her, please?     [Outside Jer's and Cosmo's apt.]   JERRY: Hey!   KRAMER: Hey!   JERRY: What are you up to?   KRAMER: Nothing.   JERRY: What's the rope for?   KRAMER: Oh! Well, How do you like that. I got rope. Um, I gotta go.   JERRY: The dog. You're getting the dog.   GEORGE: Hey, Kramer, where are you going?   KRAMER: Out.   GEORGE: Don't go. Kramer! Come back. I got great news. Well, I did it.   JERRY: Did what?   GEORGE: I got engaged. I'm getting married. I asked Susan to marry me. We're getting married this Christmas.   JERRY: You're getting married?   GEORGE: Yes!   JERRY: Oh, my god!   GEORGE: I'm a man. Jerry, I'm a man. And do you know why? It's because of that talk we had. You were my inspiration. Do you believe it? You. That lunch was the defining moment of my life.   JERRY: I'm blown away.   GEORGE: You're blown?   JERRY: Wow!   GEORGE: You like that?   JERRY: And she said "Yes"?   GEORGE: It took a couple of hours of convincing. I was persistent. I was just like those guys in the movies. And it worked! She said "Yes"! I can't believe my luck that she was still available . A beautiful woman like that. You think she's good looking, right?   JERRY: You're gonna have gorgeous kids.   GEORGE: Yes. She's got great skin - a rosy glow..   JERRY: Pinkish hue?   GEORGE: Oh, she's got the hue. So, what's going on with you and Melanie? I mean, I know you're not getting married, but uh, things are happening?   JERRY: Well...actually, we kind of broke up.   GEORGE: You what?   JERRY: Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit. She eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat Corn Niblets. But she scooped them.   GEORGE: . . . she scooped her niblets?   JERRY: Yes. That's what was so vexing.   GEORGE: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What about the pact?   JERRY: What?   GEORGE: What happened to the pact? We were both gonna change. We shook hands on a pact. Did you not shake my hand on it uh?   JERRY: You stuck your hand out, so I shook it. I don't know about a pact. Anyway, you should be happy you're engaged. You're getting married.   GEORGE: Well, it's not that. I just, you know, I thought that we were both uh...   JERRY: You thought I was gonna get married?   GEORGE: Well, maybe not married, but...   JERRY: I mean, you love Susan, right?   GEORGE: Yeah.   JERRY: You want to spend the rest of your life with her   GEORGE: . . . . . . Yeah.   JERRY: So?   GEORGE: Yeah. It doesn't make any difference.   JERRY: No. So, we're still on to see uh, Firestorm tonight?   GEORGE: Yeah.   JERRY: I'll pick you up at your apartment. We'll go to the Eight.   GEORGE: Yeah.   JERRY: Hey, wait a second. Wait a second. ! Celebrate! How about some champagne?   GEORGE: Champagne?   JERRY: Yes, come on! How often do you get engaged? Come on!   GEORGE: Okay! Alright!   JERRY: You know what? No champagne. Anyway. . . I'll see you later.   GEORGE: Yeah.     [Night outside]   ELAINE: That's it. That's it. Stop right here.   NEWMAN: All right, give me the rope.   ELAINE: What? What do you need a rope for?   NEWMAN: Look, I don't have time to explain every little thing to you.   ELAINE: I don't know. Now, I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't do this.   NEWMAN: I knew you'd back out.   ELAINE: KRAMER:, are we doing a bad thing?   KRAMER: Well, Look at it this way. We drop the dog off in front of somebody's house in the country. They find it and adopt it. Now the dog is prancing in the fields. Dancing and prancing. Fresh air. . Dandelions. We're doing this dog a huge favor.   ELAINE: Yeah. That's him.   NEWMAN: All right. I'm going in. Keep the motor running.     [George's.]   JERRY: Ready?   GEORGE: Um, I don't uh, really think I can go.   JERRY: Oh, how come?   GEORGE: Well, I didn't really tell Susan about it, and she doesn't really have anything else to do.   JERRY: Well, she could come.   GEORGE: Well, she doesn't really want to see Firestorm.   JERRY: Oh.   GEORGE: She um, she wants to see The Muted Heart.   JERRY: Oh, The Muted Heart. Glen Close. Sally Field. Well, that should be good.   GEORGE: Yeah. see you later.   JERRY: Hey, wait a second. You know, we could share a cab. They're playing at the same Cineplex.   SUSAN: George, better get ready.   GEORGE: I am ready.   SUSAN: You wearing that shirt?.   GEORGE: Okay, I guess I'll see you down there.   JERRY: Yeah.   GEORGE: Okay.     [In the van.]   ELAINE: What time you got?   KRAMER: Oh, no. I don't wear a watch.   ELAINE: What do you do?   KRAMER: Well, I tell time by the sun.   ELAINE: How close do you get?   KRAMER: Well, I can guess within an hour.   ELAINE: Tsk. Well, I can guess within the hour, and I don't even have to look at the sun.   KRAMER: Yeah.   ELAINE: Well, what about at night? What do you do then?   KRAMER: Well, night's tougher but it's only a couple of hours.   NEWMAN: Let's go. Let's go. Move!   KRAMER: You got it?   NEWMAN: What do you think? Drive. Drive.   ELAINE: Where is it? Where is it? This? This is the dog?   NEWMAN: Yep.   ELAINE: But he's so small.   NEWMAN: Yeah, but he's a fighter.   ELAINE: That can't be the dog. Are you sure you got the right one?   NEWMAN: Look, you said the one in the second courtyard. He was in the second courtyard.   ELAINE: How could that be the dog?   KRAMER: Well, get him to bark.   ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah. I'll know if he barks.   NEWMAN: All right. Bark.   ELAINE: Bark.   NEWMAN: Bark.     [At the theater]   SUSAN: Did you like it?   GEORGE: Yes, it was very, very good.   SUSAN: Oh, do you think he'll ever find her again?   GEORGE: Oh, I sure hope so.   JERRY: How about when Harrison Ford jumped out of that plane, and he was shooting back at them as he was falling?   FRIEND: What about that underwater escape?   JERRY: Oh, man!     [In the van]   KRAMER: Let's turn the radio on. Maybe there's a news report about it.   NEWMAN: ???????   ELAINE: You think we're far enough.   NEWMAN: We're practically to Monticello.   KRAMER: Yeah. This looks right. All right. Give me the dog. Okay, boy. This is it. This is your new home. Let go of my shirt. Come on. Let go of my shirt. This shirt is from Rudy's.     [Jerry's on the phone with his newly imprisoned buddy, Georgie.]   GEORGE: Hello?   JERRY: Hey, ??? is rerunning the Yankee game. You watching this?   GEORGE: They are?   SUSAN: GEORGE:, you coming to bed? I'm taping Mad About You.   GEORGE: Uh, yeah, I'll be there in a minute.   JERRY: What was that?   GEORGE: Uh, nothing. I got to go.   JERRY: Oh, Mattingly just singled .   GEORGE: You know, it was really wrong of you to back out on that deal.   JERRY: I didn't make a deal. I just shook your hand.   GEORGE: Yeah, Well that's a deal where I come from.   JERRY: We come from the same place.   SUSAN: GEORGE:, I'm starting it.   GEORGE: I got to go.     [At the pooch's pad. ]   LADY: Roxy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick about you. What's this? Hmm. Rudy's.     [Elaine's bedroom - dog barking]   ELAINE: No! No! It's impossible. It's impossible.     [At Jerry's. ]   ELAINE: I don't know. I don't know how it happened. We were practically in Monticello. I mean, how could that thing have found its way back? There's no way.   JERRY: Very strange.   ELAINE: I know.   JERRY: So, tell me anyway. Who was the BIG mastermind?   ELAINE: Oh, I can't Jerry. 4I'm sworn to secrecy.   JERRY: All right. But then I can't tell you the BIG news.   ELAINE: News? What news?   JERRY: Sorry!   ELAINE: What? What?   JERRY: All right, Elaine but this is beyond news. This is like Pearl Harbor. Or the Kennedy assassination. It's like not even news. It's total shock.   ELAINE: Oh, come on, Jerry. Please, please, please, please, please!   JERRY: George Costanza...   ELAINE: Yeah?   JERRY: Is getting married!   ELAINE: Get out!     [Outside Kramer's apartment]   KRAMER: Hi.   COP: You Cosmo Kramer?   KRAMER: Uh, yes. Yeah.   COP: You recognize this piece of fabric?   KRAMER: Oh, yeah, that's...   COP: What?   KRAMER: What?   COP: You're under arrest.   KRAMER: Arrest?   COP: I have a receipt for a rental car with your signature. Including a report with some damage to the rear seat. It seems the spring was so compressed it completely collapsed the right side..   JERRY: Newman.     [Cop at Newman's door]   NEWMAN: What took you so long?     [back of a Cop car]   KRAMER: Hey, what do you think they'll do to us?   NEWMAN: Ah, don't worry about a thing. In twenty minutes that place'll be swarming with mailmen. We'll be back on the street by lunch.   ELAINE: I gotta make some changes. I'm not a woman. I'm a child. What kind of life is this?   (George and Susan in bed - MAY music)    The End<|endoftext|>Episodes 177&178 - The Clip Show (a.k.a. The Chronicle)  pc: 921 season 9, episodes 21&22  Broadcast date: May 14, 1998   Written by Darin Henry  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer   ==================================================================   *Part 1 (only cut up for syndication)   [Jerry's Apartment]   GEORGE: (checking his watch) You know if we are gonna see this movie we gotta get moving.   (Kramer is seen exiting his Apartment through Jerry's open door)   ELAINE: Let's Roll (hand motions to hurry up)   (Kramer enters through the threshold)   KRAMER: Come on people, previews, Shnell! Shnell!   (Kramer, George and Elaine leave Jerry's and start down the hall; Jerry walking door the door putting on his coat, grabs the nob to leave then turns around and notices "us" the viewers)   JERRY: Oh, Hello. Nine years, seems like a long time doesn't it? It is, and we've packed a lot in the four of us, it seems like every week a whole new set of problems would just crop up outta nowhere...except for summer where nothing seemed to happen for months at a time. Anyway the point is over the last nine years...   GEORGE: (from the hallway off camera) Jerry were gonna miss the movie.   JERRY: (toward the door yelling) I'm comin'!   KRAMER (from the hallway off camera) Previews Jerry!   JERRY: (toward the door yelling) Just go already! (back to the viewers) Over the last nine years we've had a lot experiences. And I'll tell ya, when you stop and add em all up. That's what you realize. Watch this.   ELAINE: (from the hallway off camera) Jerry?!   JERRY: (toward the door yelling) SHUTUP!! (turn back toward the viewers and smilies and we break into clips)    *List of all the clips shown and their corresponding episode to be added later     *Part 2 (Only shown during syndication)   [Jerry's Apartment]   JERRY: Wow Nine years, A hundred and eighty shows (turns and looks toward his kitchen) same twelve boxes of cereal, and millions and millions of dollars.   (kramer runs into the locked door)   KRAMER: Jerry you in there?   JERRY: (toward the door) Busy (toward the viewers) We've made a lot of friends, shared a lot of laughs, often at the expense of others, and slept with.. well who's counting?   KRAMER: (trying to get in again) Ah man why's the door locked.   JERRY: I'm coming. Anyway watch this.   (Jerry opens the door and Kramer falls)   KRAMER: (getting back up) Jeez, (looking around) who you talking to?   JERRY: (walking out the door) No one.   KRAMER: (starts his way out closing the door; notices the viewers) Oh, Hello.   JERRY: (from the hallway off camera) KRAMER!   (Kramer smilies as he exits; Clips begin)     *List of all the clips shown and their corresponding episode to be added later<|endoftext|>Episode 1 - Good News, Bad News  pc: 101, season 1, episode 1 (Pilot)  Broadcast date: July 5, 1989  (The series is titled The Seinfeld Chronicles, then re-titled Seinfeld for the rest of the series)   Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld  Directed By Art Wolff   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Michael Richards ................. Kessler   Guest Stars:   Lee Garlington ................ Claire  Pamela Brull ..................... Laura    ==================================================================   INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT   (Jerry is on stage, performing.)   JERRY: Do you know what this is all about? Do you know, why we’re here? To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about “We should go out”? This is what they’re talking about...this whole thing, we’re all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we’re all out! There are people tryin’ to find us, they don’t know where we are. (on an imaginary phone) “Did you ring?, I can’t find him.” “Where did he go?” “He didn’t tell me where he was going”. He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...Then you’re standing around, whatta you do? You go: “We gotta be getting back”. Once you’re out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it’s my feeling, you’ve gotta go.     INT. PETE’S LUNCHEONETTE – DAY   (Jerry and George sit at a table, having coffee.)   JERRY: (pointing at George’s shirt) See, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it. It’s too high! It’s in no-man’s-land. You look like you live with your mother.   GEORGE: Are you through?    JERRY: You do of course try on, when you buy?   GEORGE: Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don’t actually recall considering the buttons.   JERRY: Oh, you don’t recall?   GEORGE: (on an imaginary microphone) Uh, no, not at this time.   JERRY: Well, senator, I’d just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it.   (A waitress, Claire, approaches the table. She pours refills Jerry’s coffee.)   CLAIRE: Mr. Seinfeld. Mr. Costanza.    (Claire tries to refill George’s coffee, but George blocks her.)   GEORGE: Are, are you sure this is decaf? Where’s the orange indicator?   CLAIRE: It’s missing, I have to do it in my head: decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...it’s very challenging work.   JERRY: Can you relax, it’s a cup of coffee. Claire is a professional waitress.   CLAIRE: Trust me George. No one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine.   (Claire exits.)   GEORGE: How come you’re not doin’ the second show tomorrow?   JERRY: Well, there’s this uh, woman might be comin’ in.   GEORGE: Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in?   JERRY: I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan?   GEORGE: No, you didn’t!   JERRY: I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing...    GEORGE: Ha.   JERRY: (looks in the creamer) There’s no milk in here, what...   GEORGE: Wait wait wait, what is she... (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) What is she like?   JERRY: Oh, she’s really great. I mean, she’s got like a real warmth about her and she’s really bright and really pretty and uh... the conversation though, I mean, it was... talking with her is like talking with you, but, you know, obviously much better.   GEORGE: (smiling) So, you know, what, what happened?   JERRY: Oh, nothing happened, you know, but is was great.   GEORGE: Oh, nothing happened, but it was...   JERRY: Yeah.   GEORGE: This is great!   JERRY: Yeah.   GEORGE: So, you know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you!   JERRY: Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe we’ll get together.    GEORGE: (whistles disapprovingly) Ho ho ho, ‘Had to’? ‘Had to’ come in?   JERRY: Yeah, but...   GEORGE: ‘Had to come in’ and ‘maybe we’ll get together’? ‘Had to’ and ‘maybe’?   JERRY: Yeah!   GEORGE: No...no...no, I hate to tell you this. You’re not gonna see this woman.   JERRY: What, are you serious...why, why did she call?   GEORGE: How do I know, maybe, you know, maybe she wanted to be polite.    JERRY: To be polite? You are insane!   GEORGE: All right, all right, I didn’t want to tell you this. You wanna know why she called you?   JERRY: Yes!   GEORGE: You’re a back-up, you’re a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan, a contingency!   JERRY: Oh, I get it, this is about the button.   (Claire passes the table; George stops her and writes something on his notepad.)   GEORGE: Claire, Claire, you’re a woman, right?   CLAIRE: What gave it away, George?   GEORGE: Uhm...I’d like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, you know, from a female point of view.   JERRY (to George) Oh, come on now, what are you asking her? Now, how is she gonna know?   GEORGE: (to Claire) Now, a woman calls me, all right?    CLAIE: Uh huh.   GEORGE: She says she ‘has to’ come to New York on business...   JERRY: Oh you are beautiful!   GEORGE: ...and, and ‘maybe’ she’ll see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me?   CLAIRE: I’d have to say, uuhh, no.    (George shows his note-block to Jerry; it says very largely: NO.)   GEORGE (to Claire) So why did she call?   CLAIRE: To be polite.   GEORGE: To be polite. I rest my case.   JERRY: Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what you’re talking about, now, come on, come with me. (stands up) I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway.   GEORGE: I’m not gonna watch you do laundry.   JERRY: Oh, come on, be a come-with guy.   GEORGE: Come on, I’m tired.   CLAIRE: (to Jerry) Don’t worry, I gave him a little caffeine. He’ll perk up.   GEORGE: (panicking) Right, I knew I felt something!   (Claire exits, smiling.)     INT. LAUNDRAMAT - DAY   (Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers.)   GEORGE: Jerry? I have to tell you something. This is the dullest moment I’ve ever experienced.    (George walks away from the dryer. A man passes by.)   JERRY: Well, look at this guy. Look, he’s got everything, he’s got detergents, sprays, fabric softeners.  This is not his first load.   GEORGE: I need a break, Jerry, you know. I gotta get out of the city. I feel so cramped...   JERRY: And you didn’t even hear how she sounded.   GEORGE: What?!   JERRY: Laura.   GEORGE: I can’t believe- (falls on his knees) WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS!   JERRY: Yeah, but how could you be so sure?   GEORGE: ‘Cause it’s signals, Jerry, it’s signals! (snapping his fingers) Don’t you- all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin’ tomorrow night, if you were busy?   JERRY: No.   GEORGE: She calls you today and she doesn’t make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? It’s Saturday night!   JERRY: Yeah.   GEORGE: What is that? It’s ridiculous! You don’t even know what hotel she’s staying at, you can’t call her. That’s a signal, Jerry, that’s a signal! (snaps his fingers) Signal!   JERRY: Maybe you’re right.   GEORGE: Maybe I’m right? Of course I’m right.   JERRY: This is insane. You know, I don’t even know where she’s staying! She, she’s not gonna call me, this is unbelievable.   (George puts his arm around Jerry.)   GEORGE: I know, I know. Listen, your stuff has to be done by now, why don’t you just see if it’s dry?   JERRY: No no no, don’t interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what it’s doing. Just let it finish.   GEORGE: You’re gonna overdry it.   JERRY: You, you can’t overdry.   GEORGE: Why not?   JERRY: Same as you can’t overwet. You see, once something is wet, it’s wet. Same thing with death. Like once you die you’re dead, right? Let’s say you drop dead and I shoot you. You’re not gonna die again, you’re already dead. You can’t overdie, you can’t overdry.   GEORGE: (to the other laundry patrons) Any questions?   JERRY: How could she not tell me where she was staying?    (George stands by the dryer again and secretly opens it. The dryer stops working and he closes the lid.)   GEORGE: Look at that. They’re done!      INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT   (Jerry is on stage, peforming.)   JERRY: Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is...y’know, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, it’s dark, there’s bubbles happening, they’re all kinda dancing around in there- shirt grabs the underwear, “C’mon babe, let’s go”. You come by, you open up the lid and they’ll- (stiffens up, as the clothes) Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, they’re in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper the night before, “Tomorrow, the dryer, I’m goin’. You wait here!” The dryer door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. He hopes you don’t see him and then he goes down the road. They get buttons sewn on their faces, join a puppet show. So they’re showing me on television the detergent for getting out bloodstains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains? I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem right now. You gotta get the harpoon out your chest first.      INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT   (Jerry is on the couch, watching TV. The phone rings. He picks up the reciever.)   JERRY: (answering, quickly) If you know what happened in the Met game, don’t say anything, I taped it, hello. Yeah, no, I’m sorry, you have the wrong number. Yeah, no    (There’s a knock at the door.)   JERRY: (to the door) Yeah?   (Kessler enters.)   KESSLER: Are you up?   JERRY: (to Kessler) Yeah. (to the phone) Yeah, people do move. Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem.   (Jerry hangs up.)   KESSLER: Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?    JERRY: (upset) Ohhhh, what are you doing? Kessler, it’s a tape! I taped the game, it’s one o’clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this.   KESSLER: Hey, I’m sorry, I- you know, I, I thought you knew. (takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets, and holds them out to Jerry.) You got any meat?   JERRY: Meat? I don’t, I don’t know, go... hunt! (Kessler opens the refrigerator and sticks his head in.) Well what happened in the game anyway?   KESSLER: (from the refrigerator) What happened? Well, they STUNK, that’s what happened!   (He takes some meat from the refrigerator and closes it.)   KESSLER: You know, I almost wound up going to that game.   JERRY: (cynical) Yeah you almost went to the game. You haven’t been out of the building in ten years!   KESSLER: Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch. Kessler walks over with his sandwich and looks at Jerry and uses expressions to ask Jerry to move the newspapers on the other side of the couch so he could site down. Kessler sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry gives him a look as if to say, “Do you mind?”) Are you done with this?   JERRY: No.   (Kessler glues the article back with his own saliva and puts the magazine back on the table.)   KESSLER: When you’re done, let me know.   JERRY: Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow.   KESSLER: I thought I wasn’t allowed to be in here this weekend.   JERRY: No, it’s okay now, that, that girl is not comin’. Uh, I misread the whole thing.   KESSLER: You want me to talk to her?   JERRY: I don’t think so.   KESSLER: Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost... a lawyer.   (Kessler shows with his fingers how close he was.)   JERRY: That close, huh?   KESSLER: You better believe it.   (The phone rings. Jerry picks it up.)   JERRY: Hello...Oh, hi, Laura.   KESSLER: Oh, give me it...let me talk to her.   JERRY: (to the phone) No believe me, I’m always up at this hour. How are you?... Great... Sure... What time does the plane get in?... I got my friend George to take me...   KESSLER: (to the TV) SLIDE! Wow!   JERRY: No, it’s, it’s just my neighbour... Um... Yeah, I got it. (Jerry takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on.) Ten-fifteen... No, don’t be silly, go ahead and ask... Yeah, sure... Okay, great, no no, it’s no trouble at all... I’ll see you tomorrow... Great, bye. (He hangs up the phone; to Kessler) I don’t believe it. That was her. She wants to stay here!      INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT   (Jerry and George enter, carrying a heavy mattress.)   JERRY: If my father was moving this he’d had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. (as his father) 'Have you got your end?...Your end’s got to come down first, easy now, drop it down...drop it down, your end’s got to come down.'   GEORGE: You know, I can’t believe you’re bringin’ in an extra bed for woman that wants to sleep with you. Why don’t you bring in an extra guy too?   (George takes a seat. Jerry hands him a beer.)   JERRY: Look, it’s a very awkward situation. I don’t wanna be presumptuous.   GEORGE: All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What was the exact phrasing of the request?   JERRY: All right, she said she couldn’t find a decent hotel room...   GEORGE: A decent hotel-room...   JERRY: Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place.   GEORGE: You can’t be serious. This is New York city. There must be eleven million decent hotel rooms! Whatta you need? A flag? (waving his handkerchief) This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal!    JERRY: (cynical) This is the signal? Thank you, Mr. Signal. Where were you yesterday?   GEORGE: I think I was affected by the caffeine.    (Suddenly a dog enters the apartment and jumps George on the couch.)   GEORGE: Ho, ho, ho, good dog, good dog...   (Kessler enters and closes the door.)   KESSLER: Hey, he really likes you, George.   GEORGE: Well, that’s flattering.    (The dog heads for the bathroom and starts drinking from the toilet.)   KESSLER: Oh, he’s gettin’ a drink of water. (pointing to the mattress) Is this for that girl?   JERRY: Yeah.   KESSLER: Why even give her an option?   JERRY: This is a person I like, it’s not “How to score on spring break”.   GEORGE: Right, can we go? ‘Cause I’m double-parked, I’m gonna get a ticket.   JERRY: Yeah, okay. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I forgot to clean the bathroom.   GEORGE: So what? That’s good.   JERRY: Now, how could that be good?   GEORGE: Because filth is good. Whaddaya think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin’ around the bathroom? They, have a woman comin’ over, “I’ve gotta tidy up?” Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite.   JERRY: This is how you operate?   GEORGE: Yeah, I wish.   JERRY: Let me just wipe the sink.   KESSLER: Why even give her an option for?    (Jerry walks to the bathroom and closes the door.)   KESSLER: (to George, pointing at the mattress) It’s unbelievable.   GEORGE: Yeah.   KESSLER: How’s the real estate-business?   GEORGE: (feeling awkward) It’s uh, not bad, it’s comin’ along. Why? Did you need something.   KRAMER: Do you handle any of that commercial...real estate?   GEORGE: Well, I might be getting into that.   KESSLER: (slaps George on the arm) You keep me posted!   GEORGE: I’m aware of you. (to Jerry) All right, let’s go (opens the bathroom door) Let’s go!   (Jerry and the dog come out.)     INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT   (Jerry on stage; performing)   JERRY: The dating world is not a fun world...it’s a pressure world, it’s a world of tension, it’s a world of pain...and you know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, ‘cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I don’t know what they need. I know I don’t have it, I know that- You know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one I’m- always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton-balls, we’re all human beings, what is the story? I’ve never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, I’ve never been in a situation, when I thought to myself: “I could use a cotton-ball right now.” I can certainly get out of this mess. Women need them and they don’t need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, they’re like peat moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? They’re huge and two days later, they’re out, they’re gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doin’ with them? The only time I ever see ‘em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, there’s two or three, that look like they’ve been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I don’t know what happened to them. I once went out with a girl who’s left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over at my house. I don’t know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town. “Let’s move on.” The dating world is a world of pressure. Let’s face it: a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it. You know? “Well, Bill, the boss thinks you’re the man for the position, why don’t you strip down and meet some of the people you’ll be workin’ with?”      INT. AIRPORT – NIGHT   (Jerry and George are waiting for Laura.)   JERRY: Wouldn’t it be great if you could ask a woman what she’s thinking?   GEORGE: What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what she’s thinkin’.   JERRY: You know, instead, I’m like a detective. I gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation.   GEORGE: Listen, listen, don’t get worked up, ‘cause you’re gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane.   JERRY: Really? How?   GEORGE: ‘Cause it’s all in the greeting.    JERRY: Uh-huh.   GEORGE: All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that’s a good sign.   JERRY: Right.   GEORGE: You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good.   JERRY: Lip area.   GEORGE: You know a hug: definitely good.   JERRY: Hug is definitely good.   GEORGE: Sure.   JERRY: Although what if it’s one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?   GEORGE: That’s so brutal, I hate that.   JERRY: You know how they do that?   GEORGE: That’s why, you know, a shake is bad.   JERRY: Shake is bad, but what if it’s the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?   GEORGE: Hand sandwich.   JERRY: Right.   GEORGE: I see, well, that’s open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.    (A woman approaches Jerry from behind and puts her hands over Jerry’s eyes.)   LAURA: Guess who?   JERRY: Hey, hey.   LAURA & JERRY: Heeeey!   (They take each others hands and shake them around. George is looking puzzled.)   JERRY: It’s good to see you.   LAURA: Hi.   JERRY: This is my friend George.   LAURA: Hi, how nice to meet you.   GEORGE: Hi, how are you?   JERRY: This is Laura.   GEORGE: Laura, sure.   JERRY: (to Laura) I can’t believe you’re here.   GEORGE & JERRY: Ooh yeah, the bags, sure.    (They pick up the bags.)   LAURA: Oh, thank you.   JERRY: (aside, to George) Now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, George?   GEORGE: Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. That wasn’t in the manual, I don’t know.     INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT   (Jerry is in the midst of showing Laura the apartment.)   JERRY: So uh, what do you think?   LAURA: Ooohhh, wow! This place isn’t so bad.   JERRY: Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road. So uh, make yourself at home. (Laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt.) So uh, can I get you anything? Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing?   LAURA: (laughs) Actually, um, do you have any wine?   JERRY: Uh, yeah, I think I do.   LAURA: (referring to a lamp) Oh, do you mind if I turn this down?   JERRY: Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead.   (She turns down the lamp.)   LAURA: Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wandering, would it be possible – and if it’s not, fine – for me to stay here tomorrow night too?   (Jerry takes off his shoes to make himself comfortable)   JERRY: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why don’t you stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin’ anything?   LAURA: No, I’d love to do something. Uh, I have my seminar in the morning, then after that I’m right open.   JERRY: Really? What would you like to do?   LAURA: Well... now I know this sounds touristy, but I’d just love to go on one of those five-hour boat rides around Manhattan.   JERRY: (unenthusiastic) Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. (pouring the wine) I’m just, I’m really glad you’re here.   (The phone rings; he picks it up.)   JERRY: (answering) Yeah, hello...yes...yes, she is, hold on. (to Laura) Um, it’s for you.   LAURA: (to the phone) Hello?... Hi!... No no it was great, right on time... No, I, I’m gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes it’s fine... No, we’re goin’ on a boat ride... Don’t be silly... I’m not gonna have this conversation... Look, I’ll call you tomorrow... Okay, bye. (She hangs up the phone.) Never get engaged.   JERRY: (not excited) You’re engaged?   LAURA: You, you really have no idea what it’s like until you actually do it. And I’m on this emotional roller coaster.   JERRY: You’re engaged?    LAURA: You know, I can’t believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of “we”. Ugh, it’s a very stressful situation.   JERRY: (matter-of-factly) You’re engaged.    LAURA: Yeah, yeah, he’s a great guy...   JERRY: Yeah.   LAURA: You’d really like him, you know, I can’t wait to get on that boat.   JERRY: Me too!     INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT   (Jerry is on stage, performing.)   JERRY: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don’t get it, okay? I, I, I admit, I, I’m not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they’re so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that’s it! It’s the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don’t know ‘bout that, we don’t know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we’ve had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it...? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! “I don’t think she likes me.” The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don’t we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That’s why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like: “Where to meet men?” We’re here, we are everywhere. We’re honking our horns to serve you better.    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 148 - The Van Buren Boys  pc: 814, season 8, episode 14  Broadcast date: February 6, 1997   Written by Darin Henry  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Bruce Davison ..................... Wyck  Christine Taylor ................... Ellen  Jed Rhein ............................. Steven Koren  Tony Colitti ......................... Leader  David Moscow .................... Lomez Jr.  Yunoka Doyle ..................... Lydia  Dublin James ....................... Maurice  Justine Slater ....................... Melissa  Michelle Maika .................... Kim  Steve Hofvendahl ............... Man  rc: Barney Martin ............... Morty Seinfeld  rc: Liz Sheridan ................... Helen Seinfeld  rc: John O'Hurley ................ J. Peterman   ==================================================================   [Setting: A Restaurant]   ELLEN: So, they have this clock now, where you punch in your age, and all your risk factors. It actually counts down how much time you have left to live.   JERRY: So what's the great moment? You're on your death bed, they're pounding on your chest - and you're going 10, 9, 8,.. I told you this thing was good!   ELLEN: (Laughs) I can't believe this is our first date.   JERRY: I know.. How about dessert?   ELLEN: I suppose I have to get a piece of cake..   JERRY: Why?   ELLEN: Today's my birthday.   JERRY: What? Today? Really?   ELLEN: Yeah.   (Waiters come out with a cake, singing "Happy Birthday" to a woman named "Lisa" at another table. Jerry ponders why Ellen isn't celebrating with her friends)     [Setting: Jerry's apartment]   GEORGE: So, she went out with you on a first date.. and it was her birthday?   JERRY: Yeah. And she picked the day!   GEORGE: Is she socially awkward?   JERRY: No, she's great! She's.. attractive, she's fun..   GEORGE: Well, maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday on the Monday after the weekend.   JERRY: She's not Lincoln.   (Enter Kramer)   KRAMER: Hey! Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza?   JERRY: I'll pass.   KRAMER: Oh, yeah? Huh. (Turns to George) Hey, George! Pizza? Yum, yum!   GEORGE: Eh, I can't. I gotta go down to the foundation. I'm interviewing high schoolers for the Susan Ross.. scholarship.   JERRY: Does it ever bother you that this organization-   GEORGE: Nope!   JERRY: is beating the bushes-   GEORGE: Nope! (Starts heading for the door)   JERRY: to basically give this money away-   GEORGE: Noo!   JERRY: to virtually anyone, as long as they're not you?   GEORGE: (Standing in the doorway) I'm fine with it! Fi-hi-hi-hine I say! (Leaves)     [Setting: Susan Ross Foundation conference room]   STUDENT 1: And then I received a 740 on the English achievement test. (George looks bored)   GEORGE: Quick, what's your favorite animal?   STUDENT 1: I.. I don't know.. frog?   GEORGE: (Disappointed) A frog?   STUDENT 1: Well, I.. I..   GEORGE: (Annoyed) Frog is wrong.   (Cut to another student's interview)   GEORGE: (Reading) I see here that you play the harp.. tell me, why do you have to tilt it? Can't you just build it on an angle? It'd save you a lot of trouble.   STUDENT 2: Well, the modern-day harp has been refined over thousands of years-   GEORGE: (Annoyed) Yeah, yeah. We'll, uh, let you know.   (Cut to another student interview)   GEORGE: (Reading) I see your G.P.A's a 4.0.   STUDENT 3: (Smiling gloatingly) You like that, don't you?   (Cut to another student interview)   GEORGE: so, uh, Steven.. I see you're president of the chess club.   STEVEN: State champs.   GEORGE: Who's your favorite chess player?   STEVEN: (Hesitating, he mumbles) Nastercoff?   GEORGE: Right. (Mumbles) Nastercoff.. What country is he from, again?   STEVEN: (Sighs) I don't know.. I made it up. (Gets up to leave) I'm never gonna get this thing.   GEORGE: (Gets up, stopping him) Woah, woah, woah! What are you telling me for? You really had me going, there! C'mon, sit down. (They both sit back down) What do you want to do when you grow up?   STEVEN: I've been telling people that I'd like to be an architect..   (George is suddenly interested)     [Setting: Jerry's apartment]   ELAINE: So, get this: Mister Peterman is finally letting me do some real writing. He's got this book deal, for his autobiography. He's gonna let me ghost write it.   JERRY: Wow. That's great! When it comes out, I'll have to get someone to ghost read it.   (Elaine mockingly laughs at Jerry's joke. Kramer enters)   KRAMER: Hey.   JERRY: Hey.   ELAINE: Hey!   KRAMER: Alright, so there I am at Lorenzo's - loading up my slice of the fixin's bar.. garlic, (imitates the shaking of garlic onto a pizza) and what-not.. mmm, mmm.. and I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the stink-eye. (Imitates the 'stink-eye') So I give hime the crook-eye back, (Imitates the 'crook-eye') you know.. Then, I notice that he's not alone! I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys!   JERRY: The Van Buren Boys? There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren?   KRAMER: Oh yeah, and they're just as mean as he was! So, I make a move to the door, you know, (makes a noise) they block it! So, I lunged for the bathroom. (demonstrates) I grab the knob - Occupado! Then they back me up agains the cartoon map of Italy, and all of the sudden, they just stop.   ELAINE: What? What happened?   KRAMER: Because I'm still holding the garlic shaker.. Yeah.. like this (grabs Jerry's peper shaker, and demonstrates) I'm only showing eight fingers.   JERRY: Well, what does that mean?   KRAMER: That's their secret sign! See, Van Buren, he was teh eighth President.. (Holds up 8 fingers) They thought I was a former Van B. Boy!     [Setting: Outside a coffee shop]   ELLEN: (Sees a pay phone) Oh, Jerry, can you hold on a sec? I just want to check my messages.. (She meets up with two of her friends on the way to the phone) Oh, Melissa! Kim!   MELISSA: Ellen.   ELLEN: Hey! You guys, I want you to meet Jerry. (Gestures tward Jerry, then goes back to the phone)   MELISSA: Ohh, we've heard a lot about you! (Confidentially) It is so sweet of you to take her out.   KIM: Yeah, you don't even know how much she needs this.   JERRY: (Sympathetically) She coming of a bad break-up?   KIM: (Casually) No.   MELISSA: See ya!   (They walk off. Ellen hangs up, then walks over to Jerry)   JERRY: Any messages?   ELLEN: Yeah, no one called.     [Setting: Coffee shop]   JERRY: They act like it was some act of charity. Just going out with her.   GEORGE: So, she's the loser of the group. Every group has someone that they all make fun of.. Like us with Elaine. (Jerry thinks about this, then shakes it off)   JERRY: There is no way Ellen is the loser of that group.   GEORGE: Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath?   JERRY: No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly can!   GEORGE: (Changing subject) Hey, I htink I may have found someone for the scholarship.   JERRY: Yeah?   GEORGE: I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers.. finally, this kid walks in - Steven Koren - a regular guy.. likes sports.. watches T.V..   JERRY: Is he smart?   GEORGE: (Defensively) He knows how to read. And he also knows finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. And get this: he's into architecture.   JERRY: Hey! Just like you pretend to be.   GEORGE: Yes. With a little guidance, Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. That's my dream, Jerry.   JERRY: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me!     [Setting: J. Peterman's apartment]   ELAINE: Mister Peterman, thanks for having me over. Your place isn't quite what I imagined.. (It's plain, with no sign of Peterman's personality)   PETERMAN: Ohhh.. It's just a place to flop. (Sits in his recliner)   ELAINE: Well, (Clears throat) what part of your life (hits the record button on a mini-recorder, and sets it down on the table) do you want to start with? Foreign intrigue? Exotic romances?   PETERMAN: Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that in the catalogue ad nauseum. No, I would like this book to be about my day-to-day life.   ELAINE: Oh.   PETERMAN: (Turns on the T.V, and starts flipping through the channels) Oh damn. They changed the cable stations again.. just when I finally memorized them.   ELAINE: Well, Mister Peterman, do you want to, um..   PETERMAN: (Still flipping through the channels) 2.. CBS..   ELAINE: get, um, started..   PETERMAN: 3.. I don't know what that is.. where's my damn preview channel?   ELAINE: (After observing Peterman's home life) Well, I - I got ta tell you, Mister Peterman.. I don't think I see a whole book here.   PETERMAN: well, I'm sure we'll come up with something. What do you say you and I order ourselves a pie? Do you like Lorenzo's?   ELAINE: You know, a friend of mine almost got beat up at that place by the Van Buren Boys?   PETERMAN: (Interested) You don't say.   ELAINE: Yeah. The only think that saved him is that he accidentally flashed their secret gang sign.   PETERMAN: Well, that's pretty exciting. (Pause) Let's put that in the book.   ELAINE: But, that didn't happen to you.   PETERMAN: So, we pay off your friend, and it becomes a Peterman.   ELAINE: No, I - I really don't think you can do that.   PETERMAN: (Looking at his dying plant) Ohh, damn. I forgot to buy plant food again.. I'll bet I got a coupon for it. (Starts looking through a small coupon box)   ELAINE: You know what? Maybe I better talk to my friend.     [Setting: Coffee shop]   (Jerry's on a date with Ellen, he's desperately trying to find out what is wrong with her)   JERRY: Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?   ELLEN: No, this is brand new. Do you like it?   JERRY: Actually, yeah. (Pause) Wait a second! Is that the fork that fell on the floor?! (Dramatically) Are you using the fork that fell on the floor?!   ELLEN: (Laughs) No, Jerry, the waitress game be another one.   JERRY: I guess that's all right.   ELLEN: Is something wrong, Jerry?   JERRY: No, absolutely nothing. (They get up to leave) You're fantastic! (They meet up with Kramer and George on the way out) Hey guys!   GEORGE: Hey.   JERRY: (Gesturing to Ellen) Kramer, George, this is Ellen.   (Kramer gives a look)     [Setting: Susan Ross Foundation conference room]   GEORGE: Ladies and gentlemen, this (Opens the door, Steven is standing there) is Steven Koren. His G.P.A. is a solid 2.0! Right in that meaty part of the curve - not showing off, not falling behind.   WYCK: George, the quailifications for this scholarship were suppose to be.. largely academic.   GEORGE: I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws and biases of standardized tests..   WYCK: These aren't standardized tests - these are his grades.   GEORGE: Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations. He wants to be (pauses for effect) an architect.   WYCK: Is that right?   STEVEN: Actually, maybe I could set my sights a little bit higher.   GEORGE: (Laughs) Steven, nothing is higher than an architect.   STEVEN: I think I'd really like to be a city planner. (Sits down, addressing the entire foundation board) Why limit myself to just one building, when I can design a whole city?   WYCK: Well, that's a good point.   GEORGE: (Mutters) No, it's not.   STEVEN: Well, isn't an architect just an art school drop-out with a tilty desk, and a big ruler? (Laughs - so do the board members)   GEORGE: (Irritated) It's called a T-square.   WYCK: You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity became an architect - after he flunked out of dental school! (Everyone but George laughs) Contratulations, young man. (Shakes Steven's hand)   STEVEN: Thank you.   WYCK: Susan would be proud of what you're doing.   STEVEN: Thank you.     [Setting: Peterman's office]   (Kramer is selling his Van Buren Boys story to Peterman)   KRAMER: And they made it their sign, because, Van Buren, our 8th President, was the man they most admired.   PETERMAN: (Laughs) Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn.. (Hands Kramer a check)   KRAMER: You know, if you like that one, I got more.. what are you looking for? Romance? Comedy? Adventue? .. Erotica? (Clicks his tongue)   ELAINE: No, uh, Kramer. I don't think -   PETERMAN: (Interrupting) How much would you take for the whole lot?   KRAMER: My whole lot?   PETERMAN: Name your price, man!   KRAMER: (Thinks) 1500 dollars.   PETERMAN: I'll give you half that.   KRAMER: (Excited) Done!   PETERMAN: Kramer, my friend, (Gestures to Elaine) consider Elaine at your disposal.   KRAMER: Okay.. (To Elaine) Well, I, Uh.. I like to work in the evenings.. (Elaine slumps back, and covers her head in misfortune)     [Setting: Elaine's office]   (Elaine is growing weary of Kramer's childish antics. Kramer's practicing putting golf balls on her office floor)   ELAINE: Would you please just get on with the stupid Bob Saccamano story?!   KRAMER: Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then and there that I need to return this pair of pants. So, I'm off to the store.   ELAINE: What happened to Bob Saccamano?   KRAMER: Well, nothing. His part of the story is done. (Elaine covers her face with her hands - showing her difficulty coping with Kramer) So I'm waiting for the subway, It's not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the tunnel.   ELAINE: Alright, well, now that's something..   KRAMER: Well, I don't know if I lost track of time - or what, but the next think I knew..   ELAINE: (Adding) A train is bearing down on you?!   KRAMER: No, I slipped - and fell in the mud. Ruining the very pants I was about to return.   ELAINE: (Reflects on the story) I don't understand.. you were wearing the pants you were returning?   KRAMER: Well, I guess I was..   ELAINE: (Still confused) What were you gonna wear on the way back?   KRAMER: Elaine, are you listening?! I didn't even get there! (Pauses) All right, next story..   ELAINE: Alright, I think I got enough for one day.   KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, chew on that.   ELAINE: (Mocking) Yeah, I'll chew on that.   KRAMER: Oh, hey, listen, by the way - I'm hosting a little get-together tonight in honor of my little financial upturn..   ELAINE: Oh, thanks. I've got plans.   KRAMER: Elaine, you should be there to document it.   ELAINE: (Putting on her coat) Oh, you're getting together with some of your jackass friends, and you want me to take notes?   KRAMER: Yeah, but get there after nine. You know, give the poeple a chance to loosen up.   (Kramer turns to go, but slips on a golf ball. He falls to the ground. Elaine looks at him as if to say 'What a doofus.')     [Setting: Jerry's apartment]   JERRY: So you're denying him the scholarship just because he wants to be a city planner?   GEORGE: I was betrayed! That kid was like a son to me. And if there's one person you should be able to hold down, it's your own flesh and blood. Like my father.. my father's father before him.   JERRY: You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field. (Phone rings, he answers it) Hello. Oh, Hi, Ellen. Yeah, I called the hotel.. we're all set for the weekend.   GEORGE: You're spending the weekend with Ellen?   JERRY: (To George, in a 'cha-ching!' motion) Vermont! (To Ellen) With any luck, they said we could stay an extra couple of days if we want to! (George is disturbed. He gets up, goes go Kramer's door, and knocks. They talk) Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast! I can't wait.. buy-bye. (Hangs up. George and Kramer come into Jerry's apartment, confronting him) What? (George takes the phone off the hook) What is this?   GEORGE: (To Kramer) You want to start?   KRAMER: (To George) Uh, No, no, no.. you go ahead. I gotta get my thoughts together.   GEORGE: Jerry, this whole Ellen situation.. has gone far enough.   JERRY: What?!   KRAMER: (Adding) Jerry, she's a loser. (George points to Kramer - gesturing that he's right on target)   JERRY: Where is this coming from? She's great!   GEORGE: (Concerned) Why're you doing this, Jerry? Is it your career? Things will pick up.   JERRY: There's nothing wrong with my career!   KRAMER: (Like a parent) Well, I still like the Bloomingdale's executive training program for him.   GEORGE: I though we said we weren't going to discuss that now!   KRAMER: Well, you know, I think it's something he should consider.   GEORGE: Of course he should consider it, but now is not the time!   KRAMER: Listen, George, all these issues are interrelated.   JERRY: (Fed up) Alright! Excuse me! (Gets up) I'm not buying any of this!   KRAMER: All right, so what're you saying? That we're wrong? Oh, everybody's wrong but you!   JERRY: You know, this is liek that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up, and he's the same - but everyone else is different!   KRAMER: Which one?   JERRY: They were all like that!     [Setting: NYC Street]   (George comes out of a store, he meets up with Steven Koren)   STEVEN: Why'd you take away my scholarship, Mister Costanza?   GEORGE: Well, Steven, I, uh.. (All the sudden, a small gang steps out of nowhere, surrounding George)   STEVEN: These are my new friends - The Van Buren Boys.   MEMBER 1: He became so disillusioned, he had to join us.   GEORGE: Oh.. nice.   STEVEN: I want my scholarship back, so I can be a city planner.   GEORGE: What about architect, Steven?   MEMBER 1: (Moves threateningly close to George) City planner.     [Setting: Cafe]   (Kramer is having his party, Elaine is painfully sitting through it)   FRIEND 1: Great party, K-man!   KRAMER: Yeah, well, you got that straight! (Turns to Elaine) Hey, Elaine, try the beef - because that's realy au jus sauce, huh. (Dramatically) Real au jus sauce!   ELAINE: (Sourly) I'll make a note of it.   FRIEND 1: Hey, Kramer,   KRAMER: Yeah?   FRIEND 1: Ramirez has never heard your pants story.   KRAMER: Ohh kay! Well, you know, I had Bob Saccamano on the phone, and I suddenly realized that I- (Elaine stops him)   ELAINE: You can't tell that story now. It belongs to Peterman.   KRAMER: What do ya mean?   ELAINE: You signed the release.   KRAMER: Yeah.   ELAINE: He sat in mud. Not you.   KRAMER: But I did sit in mud.   ELAINE: (Stern) Ya didn't! You never sat in mud!   KRAMER: (Pleading) I was all dirty!   ELAINE: It ever happened! Understand?   (Kramer's friends get restless, and beg for the rest of the story)   KRAMER: (To crowd) Hey, hey, hey! All right! Yeah, uh, yeah.. well.. Uh, the pants. they, uh, they fit, uh, well - and so I, uh, decided I wasn't gonna return them! (Laughs) Wooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!   (The crowd is disappointed)   FRIEND 1: It's getting late. Maybe we better get going. (They all get up to leave)   KRAMER: What? You're gonna go now? Hey, woah! I don't.. (watches his friends leave)   (Enter George)   KRAMER: (Frantic) Kramer, Kramer! I got big trouble with the - with the Van Buren Boys.   KRAMER: Hey, now, they're tough cookies.   GEORGE: Yeah, and I - I heard you got on their good side. Now, what'd you do?   KRAMER: Uh.. ah, (Looks over at Elaine, and realizes he can't tell the Van Buren Boys story) Oh, nothing - nothing.. No, I certainly don't have any stories, if that's what you're implying. (Laughs heartily)   GEORGE: (Frantic) Kramer, do you know what those guys are gonna do to me?!   KRAMER: Yeah, well, uh.. you know uh, you didn't hear from me, but, uh, the Van Buren Boys - they never hassle their own kind.   GEORGE: You mean, like, a former member?   (Kramer nods his head while drinking from a mug of beer)     [Setting: Jerry's apartment]   ELAINE: These Kramer stories are unusable! (Thumbs through them) I mean, some of them aren't even stories! (Holds one out) Look, this is a list of things in his apartment!   JERRY: Is my toaster oven on there?   ELAINE: How am I ever gonna turn this into a book?   JERRY: Well, just shape them - change them. You're a writer.   ELAINE: Yes! I'm a writer.   JERRY: Make them interesting.   ELAINE: Interesting! Of course! People love interesting writing!   (Jerry reacts oddly, as if to say 'That's enough of that!')   JERRY: Well, I gotta go to the airport. I'm picking up my parents.   ELAINE: What? Wheren't they just here?   JERRY: Yeah. I'm flying them in to meet Ellen. I don't know where to turn! I gotta see what they think of her.   ELAINE: Maybe we could all have dinner later?   JERRY: I don't think so. I'm gonna try to get them to fly right back tonight.   (Enter Kramer)   KRAMER: Oh, hey! Hey, have I told you about my bunions? Oh, you're gonna love this story! (Rubs his hands together) So, I line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into my foot bath! (Jerry and Elaine look disgusted)   JERRY: Kramer, this is awful! We don't want to hear about this!   KRAMER: Damn!   JERRY: What?   KRAMER: Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman - but they all stink!   ELAINE: How much did you pay for them?   KRAMER: Eight bucks! I think I got ripped off! (Leaves, yelling out "Newman!")     [Setting: Peterman's office]   ELAINE: Oh, what didn't you like about the first chapter?   PETERMAN: Well, it started out nicely: "I'm returning some pants." A very identifiable problem.. (turns page) "I set of down a train tunnel.".. (turns page) But that's where the story takes a most unappealing turn.   ELAINE: Oh, no, no! That's where it gets interesting! Don't you see? The - the train is bearing down on you, you - you dive into a side tunnel - and you run into a whole band of underground tunnel dwellers!   PETERMAN: It just seems so cliched, and obvious. It's not interesting writing.   ELAINE: Yeah.. yeah. I know. Um.. how about if, instead of.. diving from the train, you.. uh, you, I don't know, you slip and, and fall in some mud, and.. ruin your pants?   PETERMAN: (Intrigued) The very pants I was returning. That's perfect irony! Elaine, that is interesting writing! (The intercom beeps)   SECRETARY: I have a Cosmo Kramer on line 4.   PETERMAN: (Picks up the phone) Peterman, here.   KRAMER: Mister Peterson, you gotta sell me my stories back!   PETERMAN: You want to know something? I no longer need them!   ELAINE: No, no. Mister Peterman, why don't we keep them - as a, as a reference?   PETERMAN: Nonsense! (To Kramer) I have Benes' woderfully imaginative mind to spin my stories. You take back your tales, you vagabond!   KRAMER: Yippie-yi-yay!   PETERMAN: (Hangs up) There you are, Elaine. Go forth, and create. (Elaine gets up to leave) And, by the way, when you get to that chapter about my romantic escapades - feel free to toss yourself in the mix.     [Setting: NYC Street]   (George meets up with the Van Buren Boys again)   GEORGE: Hey, Van B. Boys.   STEVEN: So, Mister Costanza, did you get my scholarship back?   GEORGE: Now, fellas, fellas.. easy. You wouldn't want to beat up on one of your own.   MEMBER 2: Is that right? Then why don't you flash us the sign?   GEORGE: Right.. the sign. (Hesitates, then makes a series of stupid gestures)   STEVEN: That's not the sign.   GEORGE: (Defensively loud) It was when I was banging!   MEMBER 2: All right, if you really are one of us.. let's see you take the wallet off the next guy who walks by.   GEORGE: Love to! (Cracks his knuckles, then winces under the pain)     [Setting: Coffee shop]   ELLEN: And after college, I got my masters at the Sorbonne.   MORTY: Sorbonne? Oh, hey. (To Helen) That's in Paris.   ELLEN: (Looks at her watch) Oh, Jerry, you're parking meter's about to expire. Don't get up, I've got change. (Leaves with her purse)   JERRY: (To his parents) So? What do you think?   HELEN: Jerry, she's fantastic.   JERRY: I knew it! I'm not crazy.   HELEN: She's so sweet, and she's got some body on her!   MORTY: And smart! Like a computer!   HELEN: And so much personality! But, it doesn't matter what we think. Do you like her?   JERRY: (After seeing how much his parents like her) Now, I'm not so sure.   HELEN: Well, she's 10 times better than that awful Amber girl that you were with.   JERRY: yeah, Amber.. I wonder if she's back from Vegas..     [Setting: NYC Alley]   MEMBER 2: The next one, or you're meat!   GEORGE: Alright, alright! (Goes out onto the sidewalk. The Seinfelds walk by) Seinfelds!   MORTY: Hey, George!   GEORGE: Shhh! Listen, you gotta do me a favor. Give me your wallet. I'll give it back to you later.   MORTY: How're your folks?   GEORGE: Eh, they're trying to pick out a new couch - you don't want to know. (Remembering the watching Van Buren Boys) Give me your wallet, or I'll spill your guts right here on the street!   MORTY: What did you say?   GEORGE: Come on, hurry up, old man! I'm an animal!   HELEN: You're being very rude. Come on, Morty.   GEORGE: (Pleading) Please, please, they're gonna hit me! (Attempts to grab Helen's purse, she starts hitting George defensively, he backs off)   MORTY: Tell your parents we said 'Hi!' (They leave)   (The Van Buren Boys come out of the alley, George holds up his hand in a "stop" gesture - then takes off running down the street, screaming. The Van Buren Boys chase him)    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 60 - The Junior Mint  pc: 421, season 4, episode 20  Broadcast date: March 18, 1993   Written by  Andy Robin  Directed by Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ........................ Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander ................... George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards .................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Susan Walters ...................... Mystery Woman / Mulva (Delores)  Sherman Howard ................ Roy  Victor Raider-Wexler ........... Doctor   ==================================================================   [Opening monologue]   JERRY: You can't just *have* an adultery-- you *commit* adultery. And you can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you can commit the adultery. Then you can get caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning to the robber next to you and goin'  Alright, gimme everything you have, too''.         [Jerry's apartment, Jerry's unloading groceries.]   GEORGE: You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?   JERRY: (flips a roll of paper towels in the air) Produce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.   GEORGE: (laughs-hu) So when're you gonna see her?   JERRY: Tonight.   GEORGE: What's her name?   JERRY: I... don't... know...   GEORGE: How could you not know her name?   JERRY: I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do with a car, or a fish...   (Jerry interrupts himself to pick up a pile of black bananas on his counter)   JERRY: Look at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one* day...   (Tosses the bananas back in the bowl and goes back to unpacking the grocery bag.)   GEORGE: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank.   JERRY: Yeah, I did that too.   GEORGE: Yeah, You remember the, the little eh, bank book, there?   JERRY: Sure.   GEORGE: Alright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to 1,900 dollars. 1,900 dollars! They're sending me a cheque!   JERRY: Wow!   GEORGE: Hu-Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything...   JERRY: Y'know I have some friends who try and base their whole life on that principle.   GEORGE: Really? Who?   JERRY: Nobody you know...   GEORGE: Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse...   JERRY: Why don't you put it in the *bank*?   GEORGE: The *bank*? This is *found* money. I want to *parlay* it. I wanna make a big score!   JERRY: *Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it...   (Kramer Enters. Jerry flips him a pack of dishwashing gloves he picked up for him at the grocery store.)   KRAMER: Yeah... All right....Ya got it, eh.   JERRY: Yes I did.   KRAMER: Yes.   GEORGE: What's with the gloves?   KRAMER: Well, I'm staining my floors, y'know, I don't want to get my hands dirty...   GEORGE: Huh. What, the whole apartment?   KRAMER: The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry [Snaps fingers]... Wood.   JERRY: Wood is good.   KRAMER: Definitely.   JERRY: So we're still going to the health club to play racquetball right?   KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, whenever you're ready.   JERRY: O.K., soon as Elaine gets here.   KRAMER: Yep.   [Kramer exits]   JERRY: What, you rented "Home Alone"?   GEORGE: Yeah.   JERRY: I thought you saw that already...   GEORGE: No, I saw "Home Alone II".   JERRY: Oh, right... But you *hated* it!   GEORGE: Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, you mind if I watch it here?   JERRY: What for?   GEORGE: Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something.   JERRY: All right.. Go ahead.   [Intercom buzzes - Jerry walks over to answer it.  George puts the tape in the VCR.]   JERRY: Yeah?   ELAINE: (on the intercom) It's me, are you ready to go?   JERRY: No. Come on up.   [Kramer enters wearing the gloves Jerry got him.]   KRAMER: I can't work with these!   JERRY: What's wrong?   KRAMER: Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no *fine touch*...   JERRY: You said "gloves"...   KRAMER: No, no, these are too thick.  (removes the gloves/tosses them on the kitchen counter)   KRAMER: Oooh, is that "Home Alone"?   GEORGE: Yeah. The *original*.   (Elaine Enters)   ELAINE: Hey Boys-O!   EVERYONE: (in unison) Heyyyyyyyy.   KRAMER: Hey, how's it goin'?   ELAINE: Hello.   JERRY: (to Kramer) Hey (snaps fingers) get your stuff, let's get going.   (Kramer get up to leave, but)   ELAINE: Well wait a minute, there's a slight change of plans.   JERRY: What?   ELAINE: eh, Remember Roy, the artist?   JERRY: Oh, the "triangle" guy.   ELAINE: Yeah, exactly, the "triangle" guy.   JERRY: Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him?   ELAINE: Yeah I did. He was very talented. He was, ah just, I don't know a little too...   JERRY: Artsy?   ELAINE: Fat.   JERRY: Oh. (unh - very quiet sigh)   ELAINE: He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare.   JERRY: Yeah.   ELAINE: Anyway, he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should go visit him.   JERRY: What's wrong with him?   ELAINE: Unh, something with his spleen.  Anyway it'll just take five minutes, O.K., and then, the hospital is right on the way.   KRAMER: Yeah. (putting hand to his mouth, hatching a thought)   JERRY: All right we'll wait for you.   KRAMER: Yeah, maybe I can get some rubber gloves there huh, yea.   [Kramer exits]   ELAINE: Listen, Jerry can you do me a favor? (clears throat) Could you, go into the room with me to visit him because ah, I don't want him to think that I'm, y'know... interested.   JERRY: Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend.   ELAINE: Well...   JERRY: Well I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role before to some critical acclaim.   ELAINE: Aha ha ha (laugh)   [Kramer enters, standing in the open doorway holding a sports bag]   KRAMER: All right, lets go.   JERRY: All right (picks up his sports bag)   KRAMER: Yep yep yep.   (Elaine notices George is staying behind)   ELAINE: What's with him?   JERRY: Y'know a lot of people have asked that...         [EXTERIOR shot of the hospital with cars driving by -- then INTERIOR of Roy's hospital room.  Roy is lying in bed, resting. At the Hospital, Elaine and Jerry enter -- finding the triangle? man's room]   ELAINE: Roy!   ROY: *Elaine*! What a *surprise*.  (sitting up)   ELAINE: (gasp) Oh, my *God*! I hardly recognize you! You look so...   ROY: Yeah, ya know, I've lost some weight...   ELAINE: A *lot* of weight. (enthusiastically)   ROY: I know.   ELAINE: Aha hu, You look *terrific*.   ROY: Thank you. So do you.   ELAINE: Ah hahaha hhuu ha (flirty laughing)   (Elaine introduces Jerry the boyfriend? to Roy)   ELAINE: Ah, This is... uh... you *really* lost weight.   ROY: Thank you.   (Since Elaine is preoccupied, thinking about Roy, Jerry takes it upon himself to be introduced and sticks out his hand.)   JERRY: Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend. (puts his arm around Elaine's shoulder, but she shrugs it off twice)         [While Roy, Elaine and Jerry are talking -- Kramer is out in the hallway looking for some thinner gloves on a hospital cart.]   HOSPITAL VOICEOVER: Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call. Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call.   (Kramer opens a door)   WOMAN: AHAaaaaaaaaa!  (scream)   KRAMER: (a bit startled) Ahh.   (he takes a few steps down the hallway and sees another door to try).   HOSPITAL VOICEOVER: Doctor Wittenberg, Outside call.   KRAMER: Ah, the mother lode!  (the door squeaks a bit as he pushes it open)         [George sits on the couch in the darkened apartment -- watching Home Alone, and eating a bag of popcorn -- 6 seconds of funny dramatic music from the movie play during the scene]         [Back in Roy's room, Elaine is sitting on the bed, close to Roy -- Jerry sits in a chair in the corner]   ELAINE: I can't believe it! You were *huge*! Like blubber! I couldn't even get my arms around you...   ROY: Yesss, I remember.   ELAINE: Ahahaha. Well that's the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight.   ROY: Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was you.   ELAINE: Me?   ROY: (quietly- yeah) After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't eat for weeks.   ELAINE: *Get* *out*!   ROY: Really, it's the truth.   ELAINE: Jerry, did you hear this? He couldn't eat for weeks...   JERRY: That's terrible...   ELAINE: I had no idea I had that kind of effect on you.   (Jerry gets up and starts playing with a Yo-Yo)   ROY: You did.   JERRY: You know I can't get this *damn thing* to sleep. (about the Yo-Yo)   ELAINE: Now listen Roy, tell me something. When, are you gettin' out of here?   ROY: Next Thursday.   ELAINE: Okay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin...   [Jerry the boyfriend? seems to have a problem with this -- and the two exchange in a banter as they speak to each other in super-polite, higher-pitched voices.]   JERRY: Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday?   ELAINE: No that's the week after.   JERRY: No, I believe it's next week.   ELAINE: You're wrong.   JERRY: No I'm not...   ELAINE: Shut up...   (Kramer comes back in the room with a mitt full o' gloves.)   KRAMER: Pay dirt!  (holding up the hand full of gloves. He looks behind himself as the door closes)   ELAINE: Uh Roy, this is uh Kramer -- he's one of our friends.   ROY: Oh, How do you do?   KRAMER: Yeah... I do great, yeah.   [Roy's doctor enters the room.]   DOCTOR: Hi Roy.   ROY: Oh, hey Dr. Siegel.   JERRY: Hey Doc, check this out. [does an around-the-world with the Yo-Yo]   KRAMER: Heey.   JERRY: I *just* learned that.  (proudly holding the Yo-Yo)   DOCTOR:  A-hu. (The doctor is at a loss)   DOCTOR: I just wanted to stop by -- see if you had any questions about tomorrow's operation.   KRAMER: Ah, Yeah Yeah, I have a - I have a question, um -- What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors?   DOCTOR: Are you asking because you saw "20/20" last night?   KRAMER: I sure am.   DOCTOR: Well that report was about *one* very specific type of retractor and I can assure you we do not use that retractor in your friend's procedure.   KRAMER: But you *will* use... a retractor.   DOCTOR: We have to...   KRAMER: Mmm-hmm... (turns and walks away, makes a face, raises his eyebrows, nodding his head, then turns back to the group.)   DOCTOR: Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch it with them?   KRAMER: I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!   JERRY: I dunno...   KRAMER: Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open -- His guts'll be all over the place...   JERRY: Yeah, that's true...   KRAMER: ...They'll saw through bone.  Uuuuuuuing yutyutyutyutn naannnaaa [makes saw noises while gesturing over Roy's chest] You'll see what's *inside* bone...         [Jerry's apartment. George is finishing watching the movie, music playing -- he is crying]   GEORGE: Ttu (wipes nose and sniffs) Ttu.   [Jerry enters]   JERRY: Hey.   GEORGE: Hi...   JERRY: What are doing, you crying??   GEORGE: No... (takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes with his sleeve)   JERRY: You crying from "Home Alone"??   GEORGE: The old man got to me.   JERRY: Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore after this display.   GEORGE: Oh Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway? (puts the tape back in it's case.)   JERRY: Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves, wanted to come home and start working on his floor.   GEORGE: Oh. How's the guy?   JERRY: Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting ah, pretty chummy. Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art. (opens the fridge and gets a bottle of water.)   GEORGE: Hnh. That's nerve...   JERRY: Yeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can go out to fancy restaurants. (takes a sip of water)   GEORGE: Y'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale Syndrome."  He falls ill; she falls in love.   JERRY: You mean Florence Nightingale. **  (** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **)   GEORGE: What'd I say? Clara?   JERRY: Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton. **  (** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **)   GEORGE: Clara Barton? What did she do?   JERRY: I'm not sure, but I think she was nice. (takes a sip of water)   GEORGE: Susan B. Anthony** I think I'd have a problem with.  (** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **)   JERRY: Yeah, I think you would.   GEORGE: So, you gonna buy his art?   JERRY: No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1,900 dollars.   GEORGE: Yeah, that's what I want-- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here. Have fun with what's-her-name.   JERRY: I will.   GEORGE: Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing.   JERRY: No, it isn't. I can find out.   GEORGE: Yeah? How?   JERRY: There are ways.         [Later, the mystery woman and Jerry are sitting on the couch]   JERRY: Y'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe-- "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry", and-hu "Seinsmelled"...   WOMAN: "Seinsmelled"?   JERRY: Yeah. a-hu. What about you? Did people make fun of your name?   WOMAN: Are you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when your name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy?   (They both laugh, she leans in and kisses his ear and they hug. Jerry looks confused.  She leans back --)   WOMAN: (con't) Of course, not everybody can be as sweet as you are.   (They embrace and a couple of light kisses and a hug)   WOMAN: Oh, oh Jerry...   JERRY: Oh... *you*...         [Exterior shot of Monks Restaurant then inside to Jerry and George sitting in the usual  booth.  Seems like it's the next day -- they're in the middle of a conversation when we join them.]   GEORGE: Now let's try "breast"... Celeste... Kest...   JERRY: No.   GEORGE: Rest... Sest... Hest...   JERRY: "Hest"? That's not a name.   GEORGE: What, you should've just asked her.   JERRY: I know, I should've asked her.   GEORGE: What're you gonna do now?   JERRY: I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.   GEORGE: Aretha!  (points finger at Jerry)   JERRY: No...   GEORGE: Bovary!  (points finger again at Jerry)   JERRY: Alright, that's enough. (sips coffee)   GEORGE: Alright, well you know what'cha gotta do, you gotta go through her purse. Y'know, the-the credit cards, driver's license...   JERRY: How am I gonna do that?   GEORGE: When she goes to the bathroom.   [Kramer enters]   KRAMER: Ah, (smacks hands) there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys go to the operation with me?   JERRY: You asked a date to go to the operation?   KRAMER: Yeah... So c'mon,  (smacks hands and rubs them together) what d'you say?   GEORGE: What kind of operation is it?   KRAMER: Spleenectomy.   GEORGE: Isn't that where they remove the--   KRAMER: No No, Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet! Ah-C'mon, what d'you say?   GEORGE: Mulva! (again pointing finger at Jerry -- Kramer watches the exchange back and forth)   JERRY: Mulva? (waves off George with his hand)   KRAMER: C'mon, C'mon. You wanna go? (pats Jerry a couple times on the shoulder quietly) C'mon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.   JERRY: Alright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll watch 'em go slice this fat bastard up. (sips coffee)         [Exterior of the hospital then cut to the operating room where Jerry and Kramer, dressed in green scrubs and head cover, are seated in the front row of the viewing gallery directly overlooking the table below. There's no glass in front of them, so they can look right over the edge.  Several students are also in the gallery behind them.  The sounds of beep, beep, beep from the heart monitor, and the breathing from the patients oxygen mask are a constant throughout the scene]   DOCTOR: Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's internal organs. Nurse-- retractor.   (Kramer gets a box of candy out and pours a few into his hand and starts to munch)   JERRY: What are you eating?   KRAMER: Junior Mints. Do you want one?   JERRY: No...   KRAMER: Now, I can't see..... Psst.... Psst...   (The entire surgical team stops and looks up at him. Kramer motions to a nurse to get out of the way so he can see.)   KRAMER: ... Cou, ye, ge...   (The doctor shakes his head in disbelief and returns to the surgical procedure)   KRAMER: Y-ea (pours a few more Junior Mints into his hand and eats them)   JERRY: Where'd you get those?   KRAMER: The machine. You want one?   JERRY: No.   KRAMER: Here, take one.   JERRY: I don't want one.   KRAMER: No, they're good! Take one..   JERRY: I don't want any!   KRAMER: Just take one.   JERRY: No! Stop it! Kramer, stop it!   [As they struggle to force the Junior Mint on each other, Jerry pushes Kramers' hand away and -- in slow motion with the sound of a beating heart to emphasize the event -- The Junior Mint is launched into the air towards the operating table and, well, in a word: "Bingo" -- with a small "splat" sound -- falls into Roy, the patient.  The surgical team looks around puzzled as to what just happened -- but they continue on with the operation)   [Jerry and Kramer look around at the other students and at each other in amazement as to what just happened]   JERRY: (pointing at the operation he mouths the words) Did it go in?   KRAMER: Ge--   (Camera fade to black with familiar Seinfeld music)         [Jerry's apartment where he is obviously relating the day's events to George.]   JERRY: ...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing *into* the patient!   GEORGE: What do you mean "into the patient"?   JERRY: Into the patient, *literally*!   GEORGE: Into the hole?   JERRY: Yes, the hole!   GEORGE: Didn't they notice it?   JERRY: No!   GEORGE: How could they not notice it?!?   JERRY: Because it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* Mint.   GEORGE: W-ca-What did they do?   JERRY: They sealed him up with the mint inside.   GEORGE: They *left* the Junior Mint *in* him?   JERRY: Yes!   GEORGE: I-I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things.   JERRY: Yes they *eat* them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!   [Intercom buzzes - Jerry answers it.  George goes to the fridge]   JERRY: Yeah.   ELAINE: It's me.   JERRY: Come on up.   [Kramer enters with a sheet of the wood? wallpaper]   KRAMER: Hey. This wallpaper is *very* good. My place looks like a ski lodge!   JERRY: Why did you force that mint on me? I told ya I didn't want the mint!   KRAMER: Well, I didn't believe you.   JERRY: How could you not believe me?!?   KRAMER: Well who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint-- it's *delicious*!   JERRY: That's true.   KRAMER: It's very refreshing!   JERRY: Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine...   [Elaine enters the apartment, looking forlorn and morose...]   ELAINE: Prognosis... negative.   JERRY: Prognosis *negative*!?   ELAINE: He's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is. They're baffled.   JERRY and KRAMER: Oh, my God...   ELAINE: Just my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and attractive. Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really lift his spirits.   GEORGE: It's that bleak? (pours a glass of milk)   ELAINE: Mmm... (Elaine goes to the bathroom)   GEORGE: Y'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something...   JERRY: We gotta confess.   KRAMER: Really?   JERRY: Yes!   KRAMER: We could be tried for murder...   JERRY: I can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb! **  (** Footnote: see short bio at end of script **)   KRAMER: You're not gonna say anything, you got that?   JERRY: I'm telling and you can't stop me!   KRAMER: You're *not*!!!   (Elaine comes out of the bathroom -- just in time before Jerry and Kramer resort to fisticuffs).   GEORGE: Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1,900 dollars worth.   [Kramer, Jerry and Elaine look at George like they can't believe he would do that.  George raises a toast? with his glass of milk.  He has a large sandwich in his other hand.]         [Later, at Jerry's apartment, the Mystery Woman gives him a massage.]   JERRY: Oh yeah, that's the spot...   WOMAN: What're you so tense about?   JERRY: Oh, nothing really, just a homicide. [She finds the right spot on his back] Oh that's terrific... Mulva.   WOMAN: What?   JERRY: Mulva?   WOMAN: Mulva?   JERRY: Oh my eh, my Aunt's name is Mulva. She's-she's a masseuse.   WOMAN: huh.   JERRY: Yeah.   WOMAN: Um, I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back.   JERRY: Oh, good idea...   (She walks into the bathroom and closes the door.  Jerry gets up quickly and opens her purse to look for an ID, but she comes back suddenly, catching him with the open purse.)   WOMAN: What are you doing?   JERRY: Oh, I was just looking for er, some... gum or... mint.   WOMAN: Oh, I have Junior Mints.   JERRY: No! [throws her purse back at her] No, I mean, no thank you, nah...   (She turns and walks back into the bathroom taking her purse with her.)   (Stealthy Kramer enters the apartment)   KRAMER: Any news?   JERRY: [whispering] No, no news. You better get out of here.   KRAMER: Oh.   JERRY: Oh No, wait a second... Wait a second... I-I don't know the name of this woman in the bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then she'll be forced to say her name.   KRAMER: 10-4.   JERRY: O.K. (closes the apartment door)   WOMAN: Oh, hello.   KRAMER: Hello, I'm Kramer.   WOMAN: Nice to meet you.   KRAMER: See you later. (He promptly turns and leaves)   WOMAN: Well, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the play. (Grabs her coat.)   JERRY: Oh, okay.   WOMAN: Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage and meet Olympia Dukakis.   JERRY: Oh, Hey, there's a name you don't forget.   WOMAN: Mm. Bye Jerry.   JERRY: Bye.   [They kiss.  She turns and opens the door to leave. In the hallway, George is just reaching for the door knob as she opens the door. He has three more videos with him to watch at Jerry's -- the movie on top looks to be "Pretty Woman", in which Jason Alexander plays an evil lawyer)   WOMAN: Oh, hi.   GEORGE: Oh, Hi, I'm George. (they shake hands)   WOMAN: Oh, Nice to meet you, George.   [She leaves]   GEORGE: Yeahaha, I gave it a shot (pats Jerry on the arm)... So, any word on the "artiste"?  (puts a video in the VCR)   JERRY: No, I haven't heard anything.   GEORGE: Hehe. Well, I got my triangles. (sitting on the couch)   JERRY: Really...   GEORGE: Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment.   JERRY: Yeah, I'm sure...   JERRY: Well, I-I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened.   GEORGE: No-no Jerry. I wouldn't do that.   JERRY: Why?   GEORGE: Ehh, You could get in trouble.   JERRY: Look, I gotta try and help the guy.   GEORGE: Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number is up, who are you to interfere!?   JERRY: Yes I'd like to speak with Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's condition...   GEORGE: W-What? What?   JERRY: Oh, that's *fantastic*!   GEORGE: He didn't get better, did he?   JERRY: Thank you very much. O.K. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay!   GEORGE: Where's the luck? There's no luck. 1,900 dollars down the drain.         [Exterior of the Hospital then into Roy's room.  Roy is recovering with a huge plate of spaghetti.  Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and George are visiting]   ROY: You saved my life, George. You buying my art is what inspired me to get better. I'll never forget what'cha did for me.   GEORGE: Oh, well th-that's great. It's really great.  Hm hm mm.   KRAMER: Y'know, art's a great investment.   ELAINE: And they're gonna look great in your apartment, George.   GEORGE: Yes I look forward to many years of... looking at the triangles. Well, I'll ah, I'll wait for you outside.   ROY: Hey, George...   GEORGE: Yeah.   (Roy puts his hand out -- George takes it, but Roy pulls him in and kisses him on the cheek.  George is a bit surprised but does not let on -- he claps his other hand to Roy's)   KRAMER: Awe, alright   JERRY: That's nice.   GEORGE: Thanks Roy.   [George leaves as the Doctor enters the room]   ROY: Heeyy - there's the guy who saved my life. (points at the doctor.)   DOCTOR: Y'know... I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery but, I think there were other factors at play here.   JERRY: What do you mean?   DOCTOR: I have no medical evidence to back me up but, something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps, from above...   (Kramer reaches into his shirt pocket and takes out a box of Junior mints -- he rattles it.)   KRAMER:  Mint?   DOCTOR: Those can be very refreshing.   (Kramer shakes a couple of mints from the box into the doctor's hand. The doctor turns and exits.)     (Roy is thinking about Elaine while continuing to eating the giant plate of spaghetti like an absolute pig.)   ROY: So Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday? (takes a big mouthful of spaghetti)   ELAINE: Uh-m, uh I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we are going to the, Poconos on Friday, right honey? (pointing to Jerrythe boyfriend?)   JERRY: I don't think so...   ELAINE: We are... that means that we ah, we are...   JERRY: I believe we're not...   ELAINE: (Catching another glimpse of Roy eating) Hunh, Please can we go to the Poconos?   JERRY: Well, I'll think about it...       [Exterior of Jerry's apartment building then inside where Jerry and the woman are talking...]   WOMAN: Great seats. You could see the actors spitting.   JERRY: Really...   WOMAN: Uh-huh. And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my playbill.   JERRY: Oh, Wait a second, you got her autograph?   WOMAN: Yeah.   JERRY: Do you have it with you?   WOMAN: Yeah, it's in my purse.   JERRY: Ah, Le'me see.  (hands Jerry the playbill)   WOMAN: Y'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld. (stands up, a quick  kiss on the cheek and hugs him.)   WOMAN: Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... [opens the playbill and flips five pages till he finds and reads autograph] .....Joseph Puglia...   WOMAN: I had it autographed for my uncle.   JERRY: Yeah, I-I know...   WOMAN: (licks he lips) You don't know my name, do you?   JERRY: Yes I do.   WOMAN: What is it?   JERRY: It-it rhymes with a female body part.   WOMAN: What is it?   JERRY: Mulva...   (She turns and grabs her purse, playbill and coat and leaves the apartment. Jerry follows)   JERRY: Aub, ah, Gipple?   (He stands in the open doorway and tries again)   JERRY: Loleola?   (Nope, obviously not. He closes the door and and goes to get something out of the refrigerator, but before the fridge light can even go on, a light goes on in Jerry's head and he rushes to the window to catch the Mystery Woman before she gets out of earshot.)   JERRY: Oh! Oh! *Delores*!      [Closing monologue.]   JERRY: Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favorite candies that you love. You know the ones I love those... I hate those...''. ``I hate those... I love those...''.  And only a seven year old kid could actually taste the difference between like a red M&M and a light brown, M&M. That's two totally different things when you're seven years old. "Well, your red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown it's more of a mellower flavor; it's an after dinner M&M, really''.      The End         ==================================================================   Footnotes:  Really short bios:   Clara Barton  December 25, 1821 - April 12, 1912   served from 1881-1904 as the first president of the American Red Cross organization (formed in 1881), she wrote theAmerican amendment to the Red Cross constitution, which provided for disaster relief during peace time as well as war.  http://www.incwell.com/Biographies/Barton.html         Florence Nightingale  May 12, 1820 - August 13, 1910   Florence Nightingale is most remembered as a pioneer of nursing and a reformer of hospital sanitation methods. For most of her ninety years, Nightingale pushed for reform of the British military health-care system and with that the profession of nursing started to gain the respect it deserved.  http://education.yahoo.com/search/be?lb=t&p=url%3An/nightingale__florence  http://www.agnesscott.edu/lriddle/women/nitegale.htm         Susan B. Anthony  February 15, 1820 - March 13, 1906   In addition to many things, during her time she was the leading proponent for the Woman Suffrage/Woman's rights movement.  http://www.mith2.umd.edu/WomensStudies/PictureGallery/anthony.html  http://womenshistory.about.com/library/bio/blanthony.htm         Leopold and Loeb   Among the criminal celebrities of Prohibition-era Chicago, not even Al Capone was more notorious than two well-educated and highly intelligent Jewish boys from wealthy South Side families. In a meticulously planned murder scheme disguised as a kidnapping, 19-year-old Nathan Leopold and 18-year-old Richard Loeb chose 14-year-old Bobby Franks at random as their victim, abandoning his crumpled body in a culvert before his parents had a chance to respond to the ransom demand.   Leopold and Loeb - links  http://www.leopoldandloeb.com/  http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/leoploeb/LEOPOLD.HTM  http://www.lawbuzz.com/famous_trials/leopold/leopold_loeb.htm  http://www.unomaha.edu/~wwwphrel/leopold.htm   ==================================================================<|endoftext|>Episode 157 - The Butter Shave pc: 901 season 9, episode 1 Broadcast date: September 25, 1997  Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel Directed by Andy Ackerman  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------  The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld ...................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer  Guest Stars:  Gordon Jump ..................... Mr. Thomassoulo Kristin Davis ....................... Jenna Everett Greenbaum ............ McMaines Connie Sawyer ................... Old Woman Matthew Fonda ................. NBC Executive Chris Parnell ....................... NBC Executive Frank Van Keeken ............. Vegetable Lasagna Shannon Whirry ................. Cute Girl Nancy Balbirer ................... Woman Erica Y. Becoat ................... Stewardess Torsten Voges ................... Cab Driver George Georgiadis ............. Cab Driver Brian Callaway ................... Passenger rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman rc: Steve Hytner ................ Kenny Bania rc: Patrick Warburton ....... David Puddy  ==================================================================  [Exterior of Monk's coffee shop. Cut to Jerry and George at their regular booth.]  (A newspaper blocks out view of George's face. He lowers the paper to reveal... a moustache.)  GEORGE: What is Holland?  JERRY: (also wearing a moustache) What do you mean, 'what is it?' It's a country right next to Belgium.   GEORGE: No, that's the Netherlands.  JERRY: Holland *is* the Netherlands.  GEORGE: Then who are the Dutch?  JERRY: (picking at his moustache) You know I cannot stand this thing anymore.  GEORGE: I know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn star.  JERRY: I told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation.  GEORGE: Well why didn't we?  JERRY: Because you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation from ourselves. That's what you said.  GEORGE: What if we grew muttonchops?  JERRY: No.  GEORGE: Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!  JERRY: Stop it, George. Stop it. I'm sorry, you've gotta get a job.  GEORGE: (resigned) Dammit.    [George approaches Jerry at the bar of a nightclub, carrying a cane.]  GEORGE: Hey hey hey, check me out, huh?  JERRY: No more crutches, that must be a relief.  GEORGE: Yeah, with crutches everyone has questions.  JERRY: Not with a cane?  GEORGE: Nah, with crutches it's a funny story, with a cane it's a sad story. You through with those?  (George uses the cane handle to drag a bowl of pretzels over from the other end of the bar.)  JERRY: That is a sad story. Hey, you should have been here tonight. Some guy from NBC saw my set, he wants me to do a showcase. I might have another shot at a pilot.  GEORGE: Alright, we're back in!  JERRY: We? No.  CLUB ANNOUNCER: (off camera) Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania.  (Applause from off camera, then Bania walks up to the bar.)  BANIA: Thank you, thank you, (To Jerry) Hey, Jerry, did ya see me up there? I was killing, Jerry. Killing. I killed.  JERRY: Killed?  BANIA: Killed. (pause) I'm gonna go pick up some chicks. Good-looking ones, too! (walking away) Hey, what's your name?  JERRY: Yeah, killed. Because I killed first and warmed up the crowd. He's like that fish that attaches himself to the shark.  GEORGE: And you're the shark?  JERRY: Yeah, I'm the shark and he's the fish eating my laughs.  GEORGE: I don't know how a fish could eat laughs.  JERRY: Well, I'm glad I brought it up.    [Jerry's apartment. George and Jerry are there, clean shaven, George is on the phone. Kramer walks in wearing a moustache.]  KRAMER: You got any shredded coconut?  JERRY: (looking at Kramer's moustache) Uh, we're not doing that anymore.  KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, right. (walks out)  GEORGE: (on the phone) Oh my God.  JERRY: What?  GEORGE: I got a job interview. They want to see me this afternoon.  JERRY: So what's this job?  GEORGE: Oh, it's beautiful. It's in sports.  JERRY: Knicks? Rangers?  GEORGE: Playground equipment.  JERRY: Welcome back to the show.  GEORGE: Yeah haha.  (Kramer walks back in, clean shaven.)  KRAMER: Yeah, this is better. So, you got any shredded coconut?  JERRY: No.  GEORGE: (holding his cane) I gotta hobble. (walks out)  (Kramer puts some aftershave on his lip.)  KRAMER: D-d-d-d. I gotta switch shaving creams. I'm getting no protection.  JERRY: What kind do you use?  KRAMER: Whatever you get.  JERRY: (nods) Look, postcard from Elaine from Europe.  KRAMER: Don't tell me she's dragging another poor guy across Europe.  JERRY: Remember David Puddy?  KRAMER: Oh, the face-painting auto mechanic. So she's dating him again, huh?  JERRY: Well, I guess she's batted around and she's back at the top of the order.  KRAMER: Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. (whistles) That guy's coming home in a body bag.    [Atlas map of Scandinavia with Oslo, Norway highlighted. Cut to Elaine and Puddy in the back seat of a taxi.]  PUDDY: Well, let's see, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner? No wait, that's another ten kroner. A fimty kroner? How much is that?  ELAINE: We have to break up.  PUDDY: What?  ELAINE: I can't take this anymore! I don't want to hear how interesting the change with the hole in it is! And if you tell me what time it is in New York again, you are going home in a body bag!  PUDDY: Well what about you? What do you think The Gap in Rome has that's not in The Gap on Broadway?  ELAINE: Okay, alright listen. Forget about The Gap because we are through!  PUDDY: Fine!  ELAINE: Fine!  CAB DRIVER: Okay, terminal three. Have a nice flight.    [Interior of an airplane. Elaine and Puddy are seated together. Puddy is crying]  CAPTAIN: Ladies and gentlemen, our flight time, with stopovers, will be approximately 22 hours.  ELAINE: (to flight attendant) Hey, you gonna bust out that drink cart or what?    [Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Jerry are there.]  KRAMER: Hey, what are you doing?  JERRY: Oh, I'm taking this lace out. It came undone and touched the floor of a men's room. That's the end of that.  KRAMER: Did you see Bania's set last night? 'Cause I read on the Internet he killed.  JERRY: He killed. He only does well when he has me for a lead-in. He's a time slot hit.  KRAMER: Jerry, you gotta give him some credit. (starts rubbing a stick of Jerry's butter across his face) You're just being totally ridiculous. (keeps rubbing) I'll see you later buddy.  JERRY: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.  KRAMER: What?  JERRY: Do I have to ask?  KRAMER: I ran out of butter so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy?  (Kramer starts to walk out, Jerry grabs him by the shirttail and drags him back.)  JERRY: Why are you buttering your face?  KRAMER: I'm shaving with it.  JERRY: Oh Moses smell the roses.  KRAMER: Jerry, it's vastly superior to any commercial shaving cream. The shave is close and clean, and the natural emolients keep my skin silky-smooth. Now feel my face.  JERRY: No.  KRAMER: Feel it.  JERRY: I don't want to.  KRAMER: Feel it. Feel it.  JERRY: (places two slices of bread against Kramer's face) That is close.  (Kramer takes the bread and eats it as he walks out of Jerry's apartment.)    [George's job interview at Play Now Sporting Goods.]  GEORGE: I got the job?  MR. THOMASSOULO: George, everybody here at Play Now is very impressed with you. I, I'm sure you heard that.  GEORGE: Well, no.  MR.THOMASSOULO: Now I don't want you to think that anyone's gonna treat you any differently just because of your, uh, (clears his throat) handicap.  GEORGE: Handicap? (gesturing to his cane) Oh, I'm not handicapped.  MR. THOMASSOULO: I'm sorry. Differently, uh, advantaged.  GEORGE: Yeah, I didn't mean that.  MR. THOMASSOULO: Of course you will have your own private, fully equipped bathroom.  GEORGE: (shocked) When do I start?  MR. THOMASSOULO: Whenever you feel that you're able. (rises to show George out) Um, you need a hand here.  GEORGE: (Thomassoulo helps George get up) Yeah, what the hell.    [Monk's. George and Jerry are in their regular booth]  JERRY: You got the job?  GEORGE: Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there. They- they treat me so great. You know they think I'm handicapped, they gave me this incredible office, a great view.  JERRY: Hold on, they think you're handicapped?  GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me!  JERRY: How can you do this?  GEORGE: Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees-- no arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did.  JERRY: He drove a car with no arms?  GEORGE: All right, I made up the part about the car, but the rest is true. And he hated me anyway!  JERRY: Do you know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you?  GEORGE: I love that bathroom. It's got that high, high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building.  (Kramer walks up holding an institutional sized container of butter.)  KRAMER: Hey! They hooked me up.  GEORGE: What's with all the butter?  KRAMER: I'm shaving with it, and you know what I discovered?  JERRY: You can eat it?  KRAMER: No, my face feels so good, I'm gonna use it all over my body.  (Jerry smirks, Kramer walks away. Bania and Jenna enter)  JERRY: Oh my god, it's Bania and Jenna.  GEORGE: Who?  JERRY: The tooth brush in the toilet bowl.  (Bania and Jenna walk over.)  BANIA: Hey Jerry, this is Jenna. Pretty good-lookin' huh?  JENNA: Uh, Jerry's the guy that I dated right before you.   BANIA: Oh. This is awkward.  JENNA: Don't worry, Kenny. After dating Jerry, you're a pleasure.  (Bania and Jenna leave.)  JERRY: I don't believe this.  GEORGE: You miss her, don't you?  JERRY: No! He's riding my coattails again. He's getting everything off me, first laughs now ladies.  GEORGE: You miss her.    [Puddy and Elaine on the plane.]  PUDDY: (to flight attendant) You know I think ultimately, I'm upset with myself. I knew what I was getting into, she's a bitter, unstable person. I mean the sex was good. I'm sure it was fine for her. I need more.  ELAINE: (to another passenger) Huh. You believing this?  PASSENGER: Excuse me, I...I was sleeping.  ELAINE: You missed quite a performance.  (Elaine drinks from a can of juice.)  PASSENGER: (disbelieving) That's my apple juice.    [A "Handicapped George montage" at Play Now Sporting Goods. With "Morning Train" by Sheena Easton as the background, George rides up the stairs on a rail, is carried through the hall by a woman, is caught 'fencing' with his cane and fakes a lame knee, and trips a co-worker with the cane handle and gets laughs from everyone, including the man he tripped.]    [Jerry walks into his apartment sniffing the air, followed closely by Newman.]  JERRY: Someone's cooking.  NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry.  JERRY: Hello, Newman.  NEWMAN: You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us and I say, "Why?" Are we really so different. For what is--  JERRY: (cutting in) I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.  NEWMAN: Damn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule. Um, somebody's got something on the griddle. maybe it's Kramer.  JERRY: No, he's up on the roof getting some sun with the butter (pauses) Oh no!  NEWMAN: Butter?    [Back to the airplane. Elaine and Puddy indirectly attack each other.]  PASSENGER: (explaining the coins to Elaine) This is the fimty kroner.  ELAINE: (to passenger) Oh? You know my last boyfriend, he had a real kroner comprehension problem. Know what I mean? A real cement head.  (Puddy and the woman across the aisle share a laugh.)  WOMAN: David, you are so funny.  PUDDY: Yeah, I know.  ELAINE: (grabbing Puddy) What are you doing?  PUDDY: It's a long flight, Elaine. I had to get on with my life.  ELAINE: By making time with some floozy across the aisle?  PUDDY: Yeah, that's right. Well, what's going on over there with you and, uh, Vegetable Lasagna?  ELAINE: This guy? He's an idiot. he doesn't mean anything to me.  PASSENGER: (hereon known as Vegetable Lasagna) I can hear you.  PUDDY: Well, she doesn't mean anything to me either. If it were up to me, we'd still be together.  ELAINE: Well maybe I feel the same way.  PUDDY: Ok.  ELAINE: Ok, so now what?  PUDDY: Let's make out.    [Roof of Jerry and Kramer's building, very bright and sunny. Kramer is decked out shirtless and sleeping on a lawn chair, and he's bright red.]  JERRY: Kramer!  KRAMER: Oh, man. I think I cooked myself.  JERRY: Look at your skin.  KRAMER: Stick a fork in me, Jerry. I'm done.    [Jerry's apartment, Kramer walks in.]  KRAMER: I'm fried.  JERRY: Technically, you're sautéed. So, what are you doing for that?  KRAMER: Well, I just gotta keep my skin moist so I don't dry out.  JERRY: Is that what the doctor said?  KRAMER: No, I read an article in Bon Appetit magazine. (grabs a baster) I'll see you later.  JERRY: Yea.  (George enters limping)  KRAMER: Hey.  GEORGE: Hey.  KRAMER: How you doing? (Kramer leaves)  GEORGE: (sniffing) Hmm. Game hen?  JERRY: Kind of. Nice limp, you're bringing your work home with you?  GEORGE: No, I fake limp on my right. This is a real limp because I sprained my ankle.  JERRY: What happened?  GEORGE: Well, I was buttering myself up for a nice shave --  JERRY: Oh no, not you too?  GEORGE: I must have dripped some on the floor and I slipped and...  JERRY: You know what's good for that? Relish.  (Phone rings, Jerry answers.)  JERRY: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? No. No! No! No!! No!!! Thank you. (Hangs up.) I don't believe this. They've added Bania to the network showcase and he's going on right after me.  GEORGE: So what, he's got a couple of good jokes.  JERRY: Oh, like what, Ovaltine? Why do dogs drink out of the toilet? Shopping carts with one bad wheel?  GEORGE: That's true, that always happens to me.  JERRY: You think that's funny?  GEORGE: I don't know, I like stuff you don't have to think about too much.  JERRY: You like Bania's act. You're a closet Bania fan!  GEORGE: Maybe I am.  JERRY: Oh, I'm gonna puke.  GEORGE: Puke! That's a funny word. Puke. (laughing) Puke! Don't have to think about that.    [Elaine and Puddy on the plane.]  ELAINE: I can't believe we broke up like that.  PUDDY: It was stupid.  (Elaine starts reading, Puddy stares off into space.)  ELAINE: Do you want something to read?  PUDDY: No I'm good.  ELAINE: Well, are you going to take a nap or --  PUDDY: No.  ELAINE: You're just going to sit there staring at the back of a seat?  PUDDY: Yeah.  (Elaine tries to read but cannot concentrate.)  ELAINE: That's it! I cannot take this! I mean, look at this, nothing has changed. We've been back together two hours, we're having the same problems we had 12 hours ago.  PUDDY: Tell me about it, I don't know why I ever took you back.  ELAINE: Oh, please! I took you back. You know it, I know it, Vegetable Lasagna here knows it.  VEGETABLE LASAGNA: Please, please, I don't want to get involved.  ELAINE: Ugh, I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean and we just ram right into it and end this whole thing!  VEGETABLE LASAGNA: Oh God.  (Elaine then slams her seat back several times into the legs of the passenger seated behind her.)  PASSENGER 2: Ow! Ow!!    [Kramer's apartment, Kramer is in the hot tub, Newman is seated beside it, reading "Alive"]  NEWMAN: How much longer you gonna be, I'm starving here.  KRAMER: Just a few more squirts. Cause I gotta stay juicy.  NEWMAN: That smell. It's still with you, huh?  KRAMER: Yeah, it's baked on in. Hey, put another stick of butter in.   NEWMAN: Here.  KRAMER: Yeah, stir it up so it melts.  (Newman stirs the hot tub with a lacrosse stick, licking his lips and working himself up.)  KRAMER: Oh yea that feels good. Ahh, now I'm simmering.  (Newman drops the stick and runs out.)  NEWMAN: I'll meet you at the coffee shop.    [George and Mr. Thomassoulo at Play Now.]  MR. THOMASSOULO: Good morning, George.  GEORGE: Good morning, sir.  MR. THOMASSOULO: Is there something wrong with your other leg?  GEORGE: Oh, no, that's just the old, uh, the old handicap acting up.  MR. THOMASSOULO: But your cane's on the wrong side.  GEORGE: Oh well, that's, uh, thatís just because we're, uh, standing on opposite sides.  MR.THOMASSOULO: Huh?  GEORGE: Yeah, see, uh, when we met, I was over there and, uh, you were over here, so the image, uh, the image was reversed, like, uh, like in the mirror.  (They walk over to a mirrored wall.)  GEORGE: See? This looks right to you, doesn't it?  MR. THOMASSOULO: Uh, yeah, I guess.  GEORGE: (passes cane from right to left and back a few times) But, see here. Right. Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right. Right. Wrong--  MR. THOMASSOULO: Will you stop it, George? Just stop it! I think I can see what's going on here.    [Jerry's apartment, there's a beeping sound coming from the hall. Jerry opens the door, George rolls in on a Rascal scooter.]  GEORGE: Well, you're not gonna believe what happened.  JERRY: You mugged Stephen Hawking?  GEORGE: Play Now thinks I got problems in both legs. My own personal Rascal, Jerry. On the house.  (George rides around the apartment.)  JERRY: Well it must be comforting to know you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles an hour.  (Jerry's phone rings, he answers it.)  JERRY: Hello?  ELAINE: Jerry.  JERRY: Hey, Lainie, how's the trip going?  ELAINE: Awful. This trip was a *huge* mistake. Huge!  VEGETABLE LASAGNA: Please don't shout. I can't take it.  JERRY: Who's that?  ELAINE: It's Vegetable Lasagna.  JERRY: Who?  ELAINE: Vegetable Lasagna!  VEGETABLE LASAGNA: My name is Magnus.  ELAINE: Shut up or I'll snap you in half and stuff you in the overhead!  JERRY: Get me some duty free Kahlua.  (Jerry hangs up.)  GEORGE: How's the trip?  JERRY: Sounded good.  GEORGE: Well. Gotta motor.  JERRY: Hey, if you got any juice left, you might wanna roll by the big showcase tonight.  GEORGE: Ah, you still going on in front of Bania, eh?  JERRY: That's right, and I'll tell you what. I'm feeling a little off.  GEORGE: What are you talking about? (Jerry grins) You're not!  JERRY: That's right, I'm taking a dive.  GEORGE: You're throwing the set?  JERRY: I'm laying down! Then we'll see how he does up there, without all the assistance.  GEORGE: Listen Jerry. With all due respect, Bania's voice is the voice of a new generation. My generation.  JERRY: We're four months apart.  GEORGE: Nevertheless. His time has come.  (George tries to back out but his front wheel becomes wedged under Jerry's coffee table.)  GEORGE: Now if you will kindly help me unwedge my front wheel, I'll be on my way.  (Jerry ignores him, George leans on his horn.)    [Newman is seated at the counter at Monks, mumbling to himself.]  NEWMAN: Butter. Kramer. Butter. Kramer.  (The waitress brings a roasted turkey out on a tray. Newman hallucinates Kramer's head on the turkey.)  KRAMER/Turkey: (waving wing) Hey buddy.  (Newman screams and runs out of Monks.)    [Jerry and Kramer in the back room of a comedy club]  KRAMER: Jerry, what are you doing? George tells me you're gonna throw your set?  JERRY: That's right, Choochie. Let's see how Bania does without the cushy timeslot.  CLUB ANNOUNCER: (OC) Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld!  (Jerry removes his jacket to reveal a pair of rainbow-colored suspenders.)  JERRY: If you'll excuse me.  (Jerry tosses the jacket to Kramer.)  KRAMER: Whoa, man!  (Jerry bolts through the kitchen door, presumably towards the stage.)  JERRY: (OC) Hey everybody! Who's ready to laugh?    [Jerry is on stage at the comedy club, Kramer is in the audience.]  JERRY: What's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade?  (Kramer laughs hysterically, he's the only one.)  JERRY: And what's with people getting sick?  NEWMAN: Hee hee! Yeah yeah!  JERRY: I mean, what's the deal with cancer?  MAN IN AUDIENCE: I have cancer!  KRAMER: Oh, tough crowd.    [George is riding his Rascal scooter on a city sidewalk when he accidentally bumps another scooter as its owner and some friends are walking out of a nearby store.]  MAN: Hey, hey! You dented my ride.  (George walks back to inspect the damage.)  GEORGE: Whatcha got there, the 4-volt? Heh, I did you a favor.  MAN: How about I do you a favor upside your head?  GEORGE: Oh yeah?  MAN: Oh yeah.  (George leaps back on his scooter and floors it.)  MAN: Hey!  WOMAN: Get the bikes.    [Jerry returns to the comedy club kitchen to a chorus of boos. he's soaked with sweat. Kramer and Bania are there.]  BANIA: Ouch.  KRAMER: Well, that wasn't so bad, huh?  JERRY: What are you talking about? I bombed!  KRAMER: No, you had some good stuff. The cancer bit? I mean, it was edgy, it was not my sort of thing but some of those people out there, they really liked it.  JERRY: Like who?  KRAMER: Well, that guy who yelled out.  JERRY: He *had* cancer!  KRAMER: And laughter is the best medicine.  JERRY: Hey, sorry Kenny. Guess you got your work cut out for you.  CLUB ANNOUNCER: (OC) Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania!  (Bania walks out, Jerry leaves, Newman walks in.)  KRAMER: Hey, Jerry, he could have used your laugh. He was a big turkey out there.  NEWMAN: (salivating) Turkey?  KRAMER: A big fat turkey.  NEWMAN: I'm sorry I missed that.  KRAMER: I tell ya, he worked so hard and then he just--  (Kramer accidentally knocks over a bowl of oregano, getting it all over himself.)  KRAMER: What is this, oregano?  (Just then the other kitchen door swings open and a chef bursts through carrying a bowl of Parmesan cheese. he trips and empties the bowl all over Kramer.)  KRAMER: Look at me! I'm all covered in oregano and Parmesan, and it's sticking to me because of the butter! Look at me!  (Newman, still salivating, now with a vacant stare, grabs a bunch of green leaves and hands them to Kramer.)  NEWMAN: Here. Hold this.  KRAMER: What is this, parsley?  (Newman makes as if to attack Kramer.)    [Jerry watching Bania from the wing.]  JERRY: Ah, the sweet stench of failure.  (Kramer and Newman, locked in struggle, run past Jerry and onto the stage.)  KRAMER: Ah you bit me. Get off of me, get off of me!    [City sidewalk, George is leading an extremely low speed chase. Action movie music plays, and pedestrians walk by faster than the scooters. George's battery dies and his scooter stops.]  MAN: Now I got you!  (George jumps up from the scooter, picks it up and begins hauling it as fast as he can. He meets up with Mr. Thomassoulo who's exiting a building at that moment.)  MR. THOMASSOULO: George? Your legs!  GEORGE: Are you a religious man, sir?  MR. THOMASSOULO: No.  (Unbeknownst to George, the old man catches up to him and is about to lay into him with a cane.)  MAN: Eat hickory!!  (The man swings the cane at George's head)    [Jerry, sitting in the bar at the comedy club drinking a glass of champagne. Bania walks in.]  BANIA: Hey Jerry, didja see it?  JERRY: Ouch.  (Two men in suits walk in and introduce themselves.)  STU: Kenny! There you are. Jay Shermak and Stu Crespi from NBC. Listen, Kenny. Really funny out there.  JERRY: What?  JAY: That thing you did having the two guys running through? I love stuff you don't have to think too much about.  STU: Give us a call. We want to be in the Kenny Bania business.  JAY: By the way, Jerry? The suspenders? A little hacky.  BANIA: How about that Jerry? First you had a pilot on NBC and now I'll have one. Looks like I'm following you again.  JERRY: Oh, I'm gonna puke.  BANIA: Puke? That's a funny word. Can I use that?    [Exterior of NYC airport.]  ELAINE: David, this has been the worst month of my life and if I never see you again it'll be too soon.  PUDDY: Ditto.  ELAINE: Oh that's origi-  PUDDY: Go to Hell.  (Elaine gets into a taxi cab.)  ELAINE: 86th and Broadway please.  CAB DRIVER: I'm sorry lady, there's a cab shortage. The Transit Police are making everybody share.  (Puddy enters the cab on the left.)  ELAINE: Oh no.  (Vegetable Lasagna enters the cab on the right.)  VEGETABLE LASAGNA: Hello! (sees Elaine) Oh no. I'm sorry.  ELAINE: Noooooooooooo!  (Cab rides away.)   (Episode Dedicated to the Memory of Brandon Tartikoff)  The End <|endoftext|>Episode 12 - The Revenge  pc: 212, season 2, episode 7  Broadcast date: April 18, 1991   Written By Larry David  Directed By Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer      Guest Stars:  Fred Applegate ................. Levitan  John Capodice .................. Vic  Teri Austin ........................ Ava  Patrika Darbo ................... Glenda  Marcus Smythe ................ Dan  John Hillner....................... Greeny  Deck McKenzie.................. Bill  Larry David.........................Voice of Newman (uncredited)  rc: Newman....................... (uncredited voice only in syndicated reruns (see note)   ==================================================================   [Opening Monologue]   JERRY: Whenever I see the news and they're hauling in some kind of terrorist, psycho, maniac, mass murderer guy. You notice he's always covering up his face with the newspaper, with the jacket, with the hat. What is he worried about? I mean what is this man's reputation? That he has to worry about this kind of exposure damaging his good name? I mean, what is he up for a big job promotion down at the office or something? Afraid the boss is gonna catch this on TV and go "isn't that Johnson from sales? He's up in that clock tower picking people off one by one. I don't know if that's that kind of man we want heading up that new branch office. He should be in bill collection. I think he's got aptitude."      [Office complex; Levitan's office]   LEVITAN: (on the phone) Ha ha, she was great. You don't want to know. Hey Breaky, remind me to tell you what we did in Lake George. (laughing) Get this...I got it all on video. (laughing)    (George bursts into the office)   GEORGE: That's it. This is it. I'm done. Through. It's over. I'm gone. Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you. (laughing) You think you're an important man? Is that what you think? You are a laughingstock. You are a joke. These people are laughing at you. You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing! (knocking object over on desk) I quit!      [Jerry's Apartment]   (Jerry exits his bedroom with a bag of laundry; Kramer enters)   KRAMER: Hey.    JERRY: Hey.    KRAMER: Boy, I have really had it with Newman. He wakes me up again last night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up onto the roof to kill himself.    JERRY: Well, what'd you say?    KRAMER: I said " Jump." Well, he's been threatening to do this for years. I said " Look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and stop bothering me." At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something.    JERRY: What's his problem?    KRAMER: No job. No women.    JERRY: He called the right guy.    KRAMER: Well, what am I supposed to tell him? How much there is for him to live for? Why should I lie to him?    JERRY: All right, I'm leaving. I going to the laundry.    KRAMER: Why don't you use the machines down in the basement?    JERRY: Fluff and Fold. The only way to live. (snapping fingers in tune with words) I drop it off. I pick it up. It's a delight.    KRAMER: How 'bout if I put a few things --    JERRY: Wait a sec. I don't wanna do --    KRAMER: Well, you're going over there.    JERRY: I don't wanna mix in everything! My guys don't know your guys. You can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. They'll start a riot.    KRAMER: Have you ever met my guys?    JERRY: No. I can't say as I have.    KRAMER: Well!    JERRY: All right. Put 'em on top.    KRAMER: Ah!    JERRY: Oh, beautiful.      [Laundromat]   JERRY: This stuff on top is my friends. Could I get it done in a separate machine?    VIC: I'll have to charge you for another machine.    JERRY: Whatever it costs. In fact, I would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other. Because something could, you know, jump across.    (George shows up)   GEORGE: Guess what.    JERRY: How did you know I was here?    GEORGE: Kramer. Guess what.    JERRY: I don't know.    GEORGE: I quit my job.    JERRY: Get outta here.    GEORGE: I couldn't take it anymore.    VIC: You can have this on Monday. (hands Jerry a ticket)   JERRY: What happened? Levitan?    GEORGE: I go in to use his private bathroom, everybody uses it, and then I get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the hall. Well, (laughing) I mean we share it with Pace Electronics. It's disgusting!    JERRY: You and your toilets.    GEORGE: I snapped! It was the last straw. (sighs)    JERRY: So, what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna look for something else in real estate?    GEORGE: Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible.    JERRY: So what are you gonna do?    (George realizes he's made a mistake)     [Jerry's Apartment]   GEORGE: I like sports. I could do something in sports.    JERRY: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?    GEORGE: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.    JERRY: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get.    GEORGE: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.    JERRY: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.    GEORGE: What about that?    JERRY: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.    GEORGE: Well, that's really not fair.    JERRY: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do ya like?    GEORGE: Movies. I like to watch movies.    JERRY: Yeah. Yeah.    GEORGE: Do they pay people to watch movies?    JERRY: Projectionists.    GEORGE: That's true.    JERRY: But you gotta know how to work the projector.    GEORGE: Right.    JERRY: And it's probably a union thing.    GEORGE: (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports,...movies. What about a talk show host?    JERRY: Talk show host. That's good.    GEORGE: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.    JERRY: Really?    GEORGE: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?    JERRY: Well, that's where it gets tricky.    GEORGE: You can't just walk into a building and say " I wanna be a talk show host."    JERRY: I wouldn't think so.    GEORGE: It's all politics.    JERRY: All right. Okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else?    GEORGE: This could have been a huge mistake.    JERRY: Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.    GEORGE: (sighs) Guess not. What should I do?    JERRY: Maybe you can just go back.    GEORGE: Go back?    JERRY: Yeah. Pretend like it never happened.    GEORGE: You mean just walk into the staff meeting on Monday morning like it never happened?    JERRY: Sure. You're an emotional person. People don't take you seriously.    GEORGE: Just..go back. Pretend the whole thing never happened.    JERRY: Never happened.    GEORGE: I was just blowin' off a little steam. So what?    JERRY: So what? You're entitled.    GEORGE: I'm emotional.    JERRY: That's right. You're emotional.    GEORGE: Never happened.    JERRY: Never happened.      [Middle Monologue]   JERRY: To me the most annoying thing about the couple of times that I did work in an office. Is that when you go in, in the morning you say Hi to everyone and for some reason throughout the day you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them. I mean you walk in "morning Bill, morning Bob, how you doing? fine" Ten minutes later you see him in the hall, "How ya doin'?" Every time you pass you gotta come up with another little greeting. You know you start racking your brains you know you do the little eyebrow "Hey" You start coming up with nicknames for them. "Jimbo."     [Office complex; Staff Meeting]   (George enters)   GEORGE: How ya doin'?    GLENDA: What are you doing here?    GEORGE: What? I work here.    GLENDA: I thought you quit.    GEORGE: What quit? (laughing) Who quit?    DAN: Bill, how was your weekend?    BILL: Oh, excellent weekend. What about your weekend?    DAN: Fine weekend.    GEORGE: Yeah. Good weekend.    DAN: Went up to the Cape. Took the kids sailing. (laughing) Lisa was a little scared at first, but that kids' gonna be a good sailor someday.    GEORGE: Aw, she's gonna be a fine sailor.    (Levitan enters; George covers his face with a folder)   LEVITAN: Ava, what happened to you Friday afternoon?    AVA: Oh, I got a little tied up.    LEVITAN: I'll bet you did.    (laughter breaks out in boardroom)    LEVITAN: I wanna remind everyone that the tenth anniversary party for Rick Barr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at four o'clock in Lasky's Bar, on Madison 48th. I want all of you to be there. This really means a lot to me. Is that Costanza over there? What are you doing here?    GEORGE: What?    LEVITAN: Am I crazy, or didn't you quit?    GEORGE: When?    LEVITAN: Friday.    GEORGE: Oh, what? What? That? Are you kidding? I didn't quit. What? You took that seriously?    LEVITAN: You mean, laughingstock? All that stuff?    GEORGE: Come on. Will you stop it.    LEVITAN: No brains? No ability?    GEORGE: Teasing.    LEVITAN: Okay. I want you outta here.    GEORGE: I don't know where you're getting this from. I....you're serious aren't you? Oh, (laughing) you see? You see, you just don't know my sense of humor. Dan, don't I joke around all the time?   DAN: I wouldn't say all the time.   LEVITAN: You can't win. You can't beat me. That's why I'm here and you're there. Because I'm a winner. I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser.      [Laundromat]   GEORGE: " I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser." This is what he said to me.    JERRY: Well, so that's that.    GEORGE: No. That's not that.    JERRY: That's not that?    GEORGE: No.    JERRY: Well, if that's not that, what is that?    GEORGE: I've got some plans. I got plans.    JERRY: What kind of plans?    GEORGE: What's the difference?    JERRY: You don't wanna tell me?    GEORGE: I'm gonna slip him a mickey.    JERRY: What? In his drink? Are you outta your mind? What are you Peter Lorre?    GEORGE: You don't understand. He's got this big party coming up. He's been looking forward to this for months. This is gonna destroy the whole thing.    JERRY: What if you destroy him?    GEORGE: No. No. No. No. No. Don't worry. It's perfectly safe. I researched it. He'll get a little woozy. He might keel over.    JERRY: Well, wha - what does that do? Big deal.    GEORGE: This is what they would do in the movies! It's a beautiful thing! It's like a movie! I'm gonna slip him a mickey!    JERRY: You've really gone mental.    GEORGE: Nah.    JERRY: Where are you gonna get this mickey? I can't believe I'm saying "mickey"!    GEORGE: I got a source.    JERRY: You got a mickey source?    GEORGE: And Elaine is gonna keep him busy.    JERRY: Elaine? How did you rope her into this?    GEORGE: I told her what a sexist he is. How he cheats on his wife.    JERRY: She knew that.    GEORGE: But she didn't know he doesn't recycle.    JERRY: What is the point of all this?    GEORGE: Revenge.    JERRY: Oh, the best revenge is living well.    GEORGE: There's no chance of that.      [Jerry's apartment]   (Kramer enters somewhat depressed)   JERRY: Did you get your laundry?    KRAMER: Yeah.    JERRY: What's with you?    KRAMER: He jumped.    JERRY: What?    KRAMER: Yeah. Newman jumped.    JERRY: Did he call you last night?    KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.    JERRY: What did you say?    KRAMER: I said " Wave to me when you pass my window."    JERRY: Whew. Did he wave?    KRAMER: No! He jumped from the second floor. Mr. Papanickolous saw him from across the street. He's lying out there faking. See, he's trying to get back at me.    JERRY: (realizing something) Oh, my god!    KRAMER: What's the matter?    JERRY: (tearing through his laundry bag) Well, on Thursday when I came home I had $1500 on me. For some reason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely forgot about it...and then I took the laundry in on Friday! Oh, come on, let's go.    KRAMER: Where? Where?    JERRY: To the Laundromat.      [Laundromat]   VIC: I never saw it.    KRAMER: Okay. Come on. Give the guy his money. What -- what are you doing?    VIC: Hey, you see that sign right there? (Points to a sign saying "Not Responsible for Valuables"   JERRY: Oh, I see. So, you put up a sign so you can do whatever you want? You're not a part of society.    VIC: Yea that's right, 'cuz this place is my country and I'm the president, and that's my constitution. I'm not responsible.    JERRY: So, anybody leaves anything here, you can just take it? You have a license to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry?    VIC: You ever hear of a bank?    JERRY: Come on. Let's go.    KRAMER: No. You can't let him get away with this.      [Office party at the Bar]   (Elaine and George staking out the bar)   ELAINE: Which one is he?    GEORGE: That's him over there. The one that looks like a blowfish.    ELAINE: Oh, yeah. I see him.    GEORGE: Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing this.    ELAINE: Why pass up the opportunity to go to prison?    GEORGE: This is by far the most exciting thing I've ever done.    ELAINE: Yeah. It is kind of cool.    GEORGE: First time in my life I've ever gotten back at someone.    ELAINE: I can't believe we're doing this. This is the kind of thing they do in the movies.    GEORGE: That's exactly what I told Jerry!    ELAINE: Really?    GEORGE: Yes! (both laugh) God, I've never felt so alive!      [Laundromat]   (Jerry is carrying a large bag of clothes)   JERRY: Maybe we should call this off.    KRAMER: Come on. What's the big deal? Just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine.    JERRY: And what's gonna happen?    KRAMER: Well, it'll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the cycle it'll be a solid block!    JERRY: If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You're like Lex Luthor.    KRAMER: You keep him busy.    (Kramer, holding heavy bag of concrete in arms, stumbles to machine, knocking chairs around)    (Kramer plops concrete down onto washing machine)    KRAMER: Whoa!    (lifting bag into the air, Kramer, thrown off balance, stumbles backwards and slams into the dryer)      [Office party at the Bar]   (George and Elaine are in the corner talking)   GEORGE: You go over there -    ELAINE: Yeah.    GEORGE: You start flirting with him and I'll come by and, while you're keeping him busy, I'll slip it in his drink.    ELAINE: Wouldn't it be easier just to punch him in the mouth?    (George motions for her to do it. Elaine walks over to where Levitan is sitting)   LEVITAN: Come on! They're terrible. They got no infield.    ELAINE: Oops! (bumps into Levitan) 'Scuse me.    LEVITAN: Yeah.    GREENY: I'm gonna get some food. You want some?    LEVITAN: Nah.    ELAINE: Hi.    LEVITAN: Hi.    ELAINE: (sneezes)    LEVITAN: God bless you.    ELAINE: Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. (blowing nose) Really. I mean that. I am not one of those people who give insincere thank you's. No sir. No sir. When I thank someone I really thank them. So, thank... yoooou!    LEVITAN: (confused) You're welcome.    ELAINE: People don't say " God bless you " as much as they used to. Have you noticed that?    LEVITAN: No.    ELAINE: (having trouble getting him to pay attention) So, I'm going to a nudist colony next week.    LEVITAN: (interested) Nudist colony?    ELAINE: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love nudist colonies. They help me..unwind. Aah!    LEVITAN: (laughing) I'd never been to a nudist colony.    ELAINE: Oh, really? Oh, you should go. They're great. They're great. Of course, when it's over, it's - it's hard to get used to all this clothing, you know. So, a lot of times, I'll just lock the door to my office and I'll just sit there naked.    LEVITAN: Seriously?    ELAINE: Oh, yeah. I usually work naked a...couple hours a day.    (George makes his move; Glenda is occupying the seat next to Levitan)   GEORGE: (whispering) Glenda, can I ask you a favor? Can I have this seat?    GLENDA: (loud) What do you have to sit here for? There are plenty of other seats.    GEORGE: (whispering) I can't explain. It's very important that I sit here.    GLENDA: (loud) What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were fired.    GEORGE: (whispering angrily) Okay. Okay. Fine.    ELAINE: I cook naked, I clean....I clean naked, I drive naked. Naked. Naked. Naked.    LEVITAN: Who are you?    ELAINE: Oh, you don't wanna know, mistah. I'm trouble. Big trouble.      [Laundromat]   (Back to Kramer after hitting the dryer; Picks up the concrete makes his way back to the washer; opens the lid on the machine, it slams shut forcing Kramer to pour the concrete all over the machine)   JERRY: (trying to divert Vic's attention) What about the gentle cycle? You ever use that?    (opening lid, Kramer begins to contort & flail arms about as a cloud of concrete covers his face)    JERRY: Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?    (Kramer emptying bag into machine)    JERRY: What about fine fabrics? How do you deal with that kind of temperament?    (finished with machine, Kramer walks to corner of room with half-full bag & drops it on the floor)    (Kramer giving "OK" sign)    (Kramer starting machine & trying to brush the mounds of concrete off of the machine)    JERRY: What about stone washing? You ever witness one of those? That must be something. What? Do they just pummel the jeans with rocks?    (Kramer walks over to where Jerry is standing, his entire body covered with dry concrete)    KRAMER: I didn't realize it was a full box.      [Office party; Bar]   GEORGE: (trying again with Glenda) I'm gonna count to three. If you don't give up the chair, the wig is coming off.    GLENDA: I don't' wear a wig.    GEORGE: One... (Glenda seeing George is serious; gets up and leaves)   ELAINE: No. No. No. No. No. I don't really have a phone. In fact, I - I really don't have an apartment. I kinda sleep around.    (Levitan & Elaine laughing)    ELAINE: I just like to have and few drinks and just let the guy do whatever he wants. Would you close your eyes for a second? I wanna tell you a secret about my bra.    (George empties contents of tiny bottle into Levitan's drink)    (Elaine & Levitan laughing)    GEORGE: Hello, Rick.    LEVITAN: Heh heh heh hey! Look who's here!    GEORGE: That's right, Ricky Boy, it's me!    LEVITAN: You know something, Costanza? I'm a very lucky man.    GEORGE: Oh!    LEVITAN: I've always been lucky. Things just seem to fall right in my lap.    GEORGE: Boom!    (all laughing)    LEVITAN: You wouldn't believe it if I told you. In fact, uh, I'm glad you're here. You know, maybe I've been a little rough on ya, huh?    GEORGE: Oh.    LEVITAN: Why should we let petty, personal differences get in the way of business? I, uh, I want you to come back. (George is shocked) You can use my bathroom anytime you want.    GEORGE: You want me to come back? Uh...    LEVITAN: Hey! How about a toast, huh? Everybody, a toast!    GEORGE: Rick.    LEVITAN: Everyone, I wanna propose a toast to ten great years at Rick Barr Properties.    GEORGE: Uh, Rick..    LEVITAN: And all the people in this room, (clears throat) that made that possible..    GEORGE: Rick.    LEVITAN: I'd also like to welcome back into the fold our..our little shrimpy friend, George Costanza who, although he didn't really have a very good year -- how you blew that McConnell deal, I'll never know. But, hey, what the hell, huh? We've always enjoyed his antics around the office. Heh heh. Anything you wanna add to this?    GEORGE: Drink up. (Levitan takes a drink)     [Jerry's Apartment]   (George is sitting at the coffee table; Jerry and Elaine on the couch)   GEORGE: I like history. Civil War. Maybe I could be a professor, or something.    ELAINE: Well, to teach something you really have to know a lot about it. I think you need a degree.    (Kramer enters)   JERRY: Yeah. That's true.    KRAMER: (seeing Jerry is with people) Oh.   JERRY: What? (Kramer hands Jerry an envelope) My God, the money! The 1500! Where'd you find it?    KRAMER: It was in my laundry.    JERRY: In your laundry the whole time? I told you not to mix in our guys. What did we figure the damage on that machine would be?    KRAMER: It was about 1200 bucks.    NEWMAN: Kramer!    KRAMER: Oh! That's Newman. (goes over to the window)   NEWMAN: I'm on the roof!    KRAMER: (yelling up) Well, what are you waiting for?    JERRY: Elaine, come on, take a walk with me down to the Laundromat. I gotta pay this guy the money..    (Elaine and Jerry leave)   GEORGE: (talking to nobody) I like horses. Maybe I could be a stable boy.    KRAMER: You wanna shoot some pool tonight?    NEWMAN: I can't. I'm goin' to a movie.    GEORGE: (talking to nobody) Nah. It's probably a union thing.     [Closing Monologue]   JERRY: People like the idea of revenge. Have you ever heard the expression 'The best revenge is living well' I've said this, in other words it means supposedly the best way to get back at someone is just by being happy and successful in your own life. Sounds nice, doesn't really work on that Charles Bronson. kinda level. You know what I mean, those movies where his whole family gets wiped out by some street scum. You think you could go up to him, 'Charlie forgot about the 357 what you need is a custom-made suit and a convertible. New carpeting, french doors, a divan. That'll show those punks.'    The end<|endoftext|>Episode 153 - The Yada Yada  pc: 819 season 8, episode 19  Broadcast date: April 24, 1997   Written by Peter Mehlman and Jill Franklyn  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Robert Wagner .................... Dr. Abbott  Jill St. John ............................ Mrs. Abbott  Debra Messing ..................... Beth  Bryan Cranston ................... Dr. Tim Whatley  Suzanne Cryer ..................... Marcy (The Yada Yada)  Stephen Caffrey ................... Arnie  Henry Woronicz .................. Father Curtis  Monica Lacey ....................... Julie  Ali Marsh ............................. Karen  David Chandler ................... Brian  Virginia Watson ................... Nun  Walter Franks ..................... Waiter  Jerry Maren ........................ Dad  rc: Danny Woodburn .......... Mickey Abbott   ==================================================================   [Jerry with George and his girlfriend Marcy at Monk's.]   GEORGE: So, Marcy, you should've seen me in the hot tub yoday.   MARCY: Why?   GEORGE: I was naked.   MARCY: Oh, George.   JERRY: I saw it.   MARCY: How'd he look?   JERRY: Okay. I wouldn't see it again.   MARCY: You know, a friend of mine thought she got Legonare's disease in the hot tub.   GEORGE: Really? What happened?   MARCY: Oh, yada yada yada, just some bad egg salad. I'll be right back. (She gets up)   JERRY: I noticed she's big on the phrase "yada yada."   GEORGE: Is "yada yada" bad?   JERRY: No, "yada yada" is good. She's very succinct.   GEORGE: She is succinct.   JERRY: Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today. (Tim the dentist enters Monk's)   GEORGE: Hey.   JERRY: Hey, George, you know Tim Whatley.   GEORGE: Yeah, dentist of the stars.   JERRY: What's up?   TIM: I'll tell you what's up. I'm a Jew.   JERRY: Excuse me?   TIM: I'm a Jew. I finished converting two days ago.   JERRY: Well... (Thinking of something to say) Welcome aboard.   TIM: Thanks.   GEORGE: Hey, where you just at the health club?   TIM: Oh, well, I didn't do much. I just sat in the sauna. You know, it was more like a Jewish workout. I'll see ya. (Jerry and George give confused looks)     [Elaine and Jerry at his place.]   JERRY: Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes.   ELAINE: So what? When someone turns twenty-one, they usually get drunk the first night.   JERRY: Booze is not a religion.   ELAINE: Tell that to my father. Anyway, guess what? Beth Lookner called me.   JERRY: Ooh. Beth Lookner, still waitin' out hat marriage.   ELAINE: What are you talking about? That marriage ended six months ago. She's already remarried.   JERRY: I gotta get on that internet. I'm late on everything.   ELAINE: Anyway, Beth and her new husband Arnie have listed me a reference for an adoption agency. They're trying to get a baby. (Kramer and Mickey enter wearing the same shirt)   KRAMER: Elaine, all right, who looks better in this shirt? Me or Mickey?   MICKEY: We're double dating tonight, and if we wear the same shirt we'll look like idiots.   ELAINE: Hmm, turn around. (They turn around) Both so striking.   KRAMER: Tell me about it. We just picked up two women at the Gap.   ELAINE: How did you decide which one of you would date which girl? (They pause then look at each other)     [Marcy and George in his car.]   MARCY: So I'm on 3rd Avenue, mindin' my own business, and, yada yada yada, I get a free massage and a facial.   GEORGE: What a succinct story.   MARCY: I'm surprised you drive a Cadillac.   GEORGE: Oh, it's not mine. It's my mother's.   MARCY: Are you close with your parents?   GEORGE: Well, they gave birth to me, and, yada yada...   MARCY: Yada what?   GEORGE: Yada yada yada...     [At Mickey and Kramer's date.]   KAREN: (To Mickey, wearing the shirt Elaine looked at for them) I like your shirt.   MICKEY: Oh, thank you. It's 100 cotton, and some wool.   KRAMER: Well, you too seem to have the same taste.   JULIE: Well I like it, too.   KRAMER: Well I have the same shirt.   MICKEY: Yeah, well I'm wearin' it.   JULIE: I like your shirt too.   KAREN: Oh, so do I.   KRAMER: Oh. (Waiter approaches table)   WAITER: Anything to drink? Some wine, perhaps.   MICKEY: I like Merlot.   KAREN: I love Merlot.   JULIE: I'm crazy about Merlot.   KRAMER: I live for Merlot.   WAITER: We're out of Merlot.     [Cut to the adoption agency.]   AGENT: So you, uh, know Betha and Arnie pretty well?   ELAINE: Oh, yeah, yeah.   AGENT: Do you socialize with them often?   ELAINE: Yeah, we got out to dinner a lot. Usually Chinese, well sometimes Thai. And we go to the movies, Arnie's a real film buff.   AGENT: Oh.   ELAINE: Actually, I remember this one time, um, this is funny. Um, we went to see the movie Striptease. I don't know if you've seen... doesn't matter. Anyway, I was whispering something to Beth, and Arnie leens over to me, and he goes, "Would you SHUT UP?!" I mean, he barely even knew me. Where did he get ah-- But they're nice people. (Elaine tries to smile realizing her mistake)     [Jerry is in the dental chair when George enters.]   GEORGE: Oh, you're in here.   JERRY: What're you doing here?   GEORGE: I knew you had an appointment.   JERRY: Well this is very awkward.   GEORGE: I'll leave when the guy comes in. I gotta tell you, I am loving this yada yada thing. You know, I can cross over my whole life story. (Picks up dental tool)   JERRY: Hey, you don't play with that. That's going in my mouth.   GEORGE: Hey, what this thing? Whew!   JERRY: All right, that's enough. Now get going. Get outta here. (Tim and his staff enter)   GEORGE: Hey, Tim. Quick question. Is it normal for your teeth to make noises, like a hissing or a chirping?   JERRY: George...   TIM: Um...   GEORGE: Fine, I'll make an appointment. (He leaves)   TIM: All right, it is cavity time. Ah, here we go. Which reminds me, did you here the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter? Huh?   JERRY: Hey.   TIM: Those aren't mahtzah balls.   JERRY: Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that?   TIM: Why not? I'm Jewish, remember?   JERRY: I know, but...   TIM: Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years.   JERRY: 5000.   TIM: 5000, even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give me a schtickle of flouride.     [Jerry and Elaine at Jerry's apartment.]   JERRY: And then he asked the assistant for a schtickle of flouride.   ELAINE: Why are you so concerned about this?   JERRY: I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes. (Phone rings)   PHONE: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?   JERRY: Yes. (Slams down phone. Kramer and Mickey enter)   KRAMER: I don't believe that.   MICKEY: If you had gotten into the backseat of the car we could've figured this whole thing out.   KRAMER: Why were you holding the door open for?   MICKEY: Not for you! Who holds a door open for a man?   KRAMER: Well, I thought it was a nice gesture. But I guess I was wrong!   MICKEY: Let's just put they're names in a hat.   KRAMER: I don't even know their names! Look, why don't you just take the one that was on the left?   MICKEY: I'm not sure she was my type.   KRAMER: Oh, everybody's your type.   MICKEY: What the hell does that mean?   KRAMER: You've been married three times.   MICKEY: That's it, it's go time! (Charges toward Kramer, only to be held back by Jerry and Elaine)   JERRY: All right, take it easy.   ELAINE: Hey, hey, hey!   KRAMER: Come on, let him go. You want throw? Let's throw!   ELAINE: Hey! Hold on a second. All right, look, I got an idea. Why don't you just show up early for your next date, sit across from each other, and see who the girls sit next to.   MICKEY: That's not bad.   KRAMER: All right, so we let the girls decide.   MICKEY: Yeah, why should we knock ourselves out?   KRAMER: Yeah, I wanna wear that shirt next time.   MICKEY: No, no one wears the shirt next time.   KRAMER: That's right, 'cause they already saw it.   MICKEY: We'll look like idiots. (They exit)     [George and Marcy at Monk's.]   GEORGE: Well, we were engaged to be married, uh, we bought the wedding invitations, and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single.   MARCY: So what's she doing now?   GEORGE: Yada.   MARCY: Speaking of ex's, my old boyfriend came over late last night, and, yada yada yada, anyway. I'm really tired today.     [Beth and Arnie see Elaine walking down the street.]   ELAINE: Beth, Arnie, hi. What's up?   ARNIE: Well our adoption application was denied.   ELAINE: Really.   BETH: The adoption agent seems to feel that Arnie has a violent temper.   ELAINE: Oh.   BETH: So we're just asking our friends what they may have said to the adoption agent.   ELAINE: Uh, you know, I just told them what kind people you are and, uh, yada yada yada, that is it.     [Cut to the dentist waiting room.]   JERRY: How you doing?   FATHER: I have a discomfort in my molar. (Enter Tim)   TIM: Well, the Curtis, why don't you come in? (To Jerry) Father Curtis, good guy. Oh, which reminds me, did you hear the one about the Pope and Raquel Welch on the lifeboat, huh? I'll tell you later. (Exits)   JERRY: Whatley. (Like "Newman")     [At Kramer and Mickey's date, they enter to find the girls already at the table.]   KRAMER: What are they doing here?   MICKEY: I told you we should've gotten here a half hour early.   KRAMER: All right, all right. Now what're we gonna do?   MICKEY: All right, don't panic. Let's just decide now. Which one do you want?   KRAMER: All right, I'll take Julie.   MICKEY: I knew you wanted her. That's who I wanted.   KRAMER: All right, I'll take Karen.   MICKEY: No, no, you think I'm fallin' for that? I'll take Karen.   KRAMER: All right, which one is Julie? (They walk over to the table and fight over who sits where) Hey, you ladies look lovely tonight. (Continue to struggle)     [Jerry's.]   JERRY: So Whatley sayd to me, "Hey, I can make Catholic jokes, I used to be Catholic."   ELAINE: You see, I don't think it is a Catholic joke. I think it's more of a Raquel Welch joke. What was it? No, I said hand me the buoys. (Laughing) Bouys!   JERRY: Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke telling immunity. He's already got the two big religions covered, if he ever gets Polish citizenship there'll be no stopping him.   ELAINE: So what're you gonna do?   JERRY: I think this Father Curtis might be very interested to hear what Whatley has the Pope doing with Raquel Welch.   ELAINE: (Calling on phone) Hey, Beth, Arnie, it's Elaine. Um, thought you guys might wanna have lunch. Gimme a call. Bye.   JERRY: They're not getting a baby so you're taking them out to lunch?   ELAINE: Thought it would be nice.   JERRY: Poor Beth.   ELAINE: Hey, Arnie's just as upset.   JERRY: Oh screw him! (George enters)   GEORGE: Listen to this. Marcy comes up and she tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late last night, and "yada yada yada, I'm really tired today." You don't think she yada yada'd sex.   ELAINE: (Raising hand) I've yada yada'd sex.   GEORGE: Really?   ELAINE: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisk, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.   JERRY: But you yada yada'd over the best part.   ELAINE: No, I mentioned the bisk.   GEORGE: Well, I gotta do somethin'. (Walks over to bathroom. Kramer enters)   KRAMER: Well, I gotta do somethin'.   JERRY: George is already in there.   KRAMER: (Confused) No, Mickey and I, we can't work it out. You know, I'm thinking of asking that Karen out by myself.   JERRY: I thought you were leaning towards Julie.   KRAMER: I was, but the one I thought was Julie turned out to be Karen.     [George and Marcy at Monk's.]   GEORGE: Well it was a helluva yada yada.   MARCY: He's moving to Seattle. We wanted to say goodbye, I was just getting out of the shower, and yada yada yada--   GEORGE: All right, enough! Enough! From now on, no more yada yada's. Just give me the full story.   MARCY: Okay.   GEORGE: Tell me about the free facial.   MARCY: Okay, well, like I said I was on 3rd Avenue, and I stopped by a large department store.   GEORGE: Which one?   MARCY: Bloomingdale's.   GEORGE: Very good. Go on.   MARCY: Oh, and I stole a Piaget watch.   GEORGE: What's that?   MARCY: And then, I was on such a... high, that I went upstairs to the salon on the fifth floor, and got a massage and facial, and skipped out on the bill.   GEORGE: Shoplifting.   MARCY: Well, what about you? You told me that you were engaged. What was the rest of that? (Pause)     [Jerry at the church approaches a nun.]   JERRY: Excuse me, Mother?   NUN: Sister.   JERRY: Sister, right. Do you know when Father Curtis has office hours?   NUN: Well not until tomorrow.   JERRY: Hmm, I really need to speak with him.   (Jerry enters confessional, sits down on kneeler. Father Curtis opens sliding door.)   FATHER: That's a kneeler.   JERRY: Oh. (Adjusts accordingly)   FATHER: Tell me your sins, my son.   JERRY: Well I should tell you that I'm Jewish.   FATHER: That's no sin.   JERRY: Oh good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.   FATHER: And this offends you as a Jewish person.   JERRY: No, it offends me as a comedian. And it'll interest you that he's also telling Catholic jokes.   FATHER: Well.   JERRY: And they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.   FATHER: I haven't heard that one.   JERRY: Oh, I'm sure you have. They're out on the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she says, "Those aren't buoys." (Father starts laughing) Father...   FATHER: One second... Well, if it would make you feel better I could speak to Dr. Whatley. I have to go back and have a wisdom teeth removed.   JERRY: You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist don't you?   FATHER: Um...   JERRY: Newer magazines.   FATHER: Now if you'll excuse me. (Closes door. George enters confessional.)   GEORGE: Jerry, I gotta talk to you.     [Kramer knocks on Karen's apartment door, she opens the door.]   KRAMER: Hi.   KAREN: Hi, Kramer.   KRAMER: Got a minute?   KAREN: Uh, actually my parents are over, but, would you like to meet them?   KRAMER: Sure.   KAREN: (Parents enter and are little people like Mickey) Mom, Dad.   KRAMER: Hi.     [At Monk's, Arnie is talking to Elaine.]   ARNIE: Elaine, I have to ask you something. What exactly happened down there?   ELAINE: Well, I don't know. I mean, I talked to him and, blah blah blah, he asked about you guys and, da da da da da, more questions, bleh bleh bleh....   ARNIE: All right, shut up!   ELAINE: Again you are telling me to shut up?   ARNIE: What?   ELAINE: You yelled that time at the movies. That's why you're not getting the baby.   ARNIE: Oh my God. How am I gonna tell Beth?   ELAINE: Look, I'll go down and talk to this adoption guy and I'll make sure that it all gets worked out.   ARNIE: All right, just don't screw it up this time! (He exits)   ELAINE: See, again with the yelling. Not a fan of the yelling.     [At the dentist, Tim is working on Jerry.]   JERRY: (In pain) Oh, are you about done?   TIM: I'm just getting warmed up. Because I'm just a sadist with newer magazines.   JERRY: Huh?   TIM: Father Curtis told me about your little joke.   JERRY: What about all your Jewish jokes?   TIM: I'm Jewish, you're not a dentist. You have no idea what my people have been through.   JERRY: The Jews?   TIM: No, the dentists. You know, we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?   JERRY: Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?     [Jerry enters his apartment to see Kramer talking on his phone.]   KRAMER: So, I'll uh... all right. (Hangs up)   JERRY: Date with Karen?   KRAMER: No, Julie. She's the one.   JERRY: What happened to Karen?   KRAMER: Well, Mickey and her have a lot more in common. you know her parents are little people?   JERRY: Oh, small world. So little people can have not little people children?   KRAMER: Oh yeah, and vice versa. Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.   JERRY: So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to hime that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy.   KRAMER: Those people, listen to yourself.   JERRY: What?   KRAMER: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.   JERRY: Kramer, he's just a dentist.   KRAMER: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.   JERRY: I am not an anti-dentite!   KRAMER: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.   JERRY: They do have their own schools!   KRAMER: Yeah!     [At the adoption agency]   ELAINE: One little baby, whatever you have in stock.   AENT: Miss Benes...   ELAINE: Look it, look it, Ryan. These people are gettin' a baby. Period. Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the fun way.     [Beth enters Jerry's place.]   BETH: Jerry, I'm sorry to bother you, but you always said you'd be there for me.   JERRY: Well, what's wrong?   BETH: I'm thinking of leaving Arnie.   JERRY: Talk to me.   BETH: He met with Elaine, and I asked him what happened, and he yada yada'd me. I mean, could he be having an affair?   JERRY: Well, I wouldn't put anything past anybody.   BETH: But we just got married.   JERRY: Well obviously that was a mistake. You need to forget about Arnie. The important thing is you're moving on.   BETH: Why would Elaine do that to me?   JERRY: Forget about Elaine. Let's just focus on us. Come on, big hug. (Mickey and Karen enter)   MICKEY: Hey Jerry. Where's Kramer? I've got exciting news.   JERRY: I'm kinda in the middle of something.   MICKEY: Karen and I are getting married.   JERRY: Oh, congratulations. Her marriage just fell apart.   MICKEY: (To Beth) How many is that for you?   BETH: Two.   MICKEY: You're a lightweight. Come on, honey.     [One week later at the wedding. Elaine is sitting with adoption agent. Jerry enters with Beth.]   ELAINE: Hey Jerry. What are you doing here with Beth?   JERRY: Beth and Arnie broke up.   ELAINE: So they don't want a baby?   JERRY: (Shaking his head no) Pff.   ELAINE: (Realizes her mistake) I think I'm gonna be sick. (George enters alone)   JERRY: Hey, where's Marcy?   GEORGE: She, uh, went shopping for some shoes for the wedding and, yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months. (Kramer and Julie enter)   JERRY: Hey, Kramer, over here.   KRAMER: I just assume not sit next to you.   JERRY: Kramer... Oh look, there's Mickey and his parents.   ELAINE: Nice looking family.   JERRY: Very handsome.   KRAMER: (To Mr. Abbott) How ya doing?   MR. ABBOTT: Hey Kramer.   JULIE: Oh Mickey. Excuse me, I can't take this. (She exits quickly)   JERRY: Hi, Mr. Abbott.   MR. ABBOTT: That's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S. Tim Whatley was one of my students. And if this wasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock you teeth out you anti-dentite bastard.   BETH: What was that all about?   JERRY: Oh, I said something about dentists and it got blown all out of proportion.   BETH: Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school?   JERRY: What?   BETH: A dentist. (They laugh)   JERRY: That's a good one. Dentists.   BETH: Yeah, who needs 'em? Not to mention the Blacks and the Jews. (Jerry fakes a smile)   (A little later)   ELAINE: Where's Beth?   JERRY: She went out to get her head shaved.   FATHER: We are gathered her today to unite this couple in holy... matrimony.   JERRY: Those wisdom teeth are tough to get out.   FATHER: Marriage is not an intervention to be entered lightly... Yada yada yada, I pronounce you man and wife. (They kiss, walk toward exit)   KAREN: (To Kramer) I really wanted you.    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 36 - The Limo  pc: 318, season 3, episode 19  Broadcast date: February 26, 1992   Written By Larry Charles / Story By Marc Jaffe  Directed By Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Peter Krause ....................... Tim  Suzanne Snyder ................. Eva  Jeremy Roberts  ................ Chauffeur  Jodi Baskerville  ................. Herself  I.M. Hobson  ...................... Businessman  Harley Venton  ................. Dan  Adam Leslie  ...................... Man at Protest  Norman Brenner  ............. Man at Airport  Aaron Kanarek  ................ Protester #1  Ray Glanzmann  ............... Protester #2   ==================================================================   [Opening Monologue]   Do you think that the people at the airport that run the stores have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? Or do you think they just feel they have their own little country out there and they can charge anything they want? You're hungry? Tuna sandwich is nine dollars. You don't like it; go back to your own country. I think the whole airport airline complex is a huge scam just to sell the tuna sandwiches. I think that profit is what's supporting the whole air travel industry. I mean think about it; the terminals, the airplanes, it's all just a distraction so that you don't notice the beating that you're taking on the tuna.    [George is at the airport]   GEORGE: It's all departures. I see nothing but departures. (to the woman beside him) Do you know where the arrivals are?   (The woman walks away. George addresses the man standing on the other side.)   GEORGE: Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?   MAN: There's a clock over there.   GEORGE: Where?   MAN: (pointing) There.   GEORGE: But you have a watch on.   MAN: It's right by the escalator.   GEORGE: Why don't you just look at your watch?   MAN: I told you, it's right over there.   GEORGE: Let me see the watch.   (George grabs the man's wrist.)   MAN: Hey! What are you, some kind of nut?!   GEORGE: You know we're living in a society!   (Jerry walks up from the ramp.)   JERRY: George.   GEORGE: Jerry. Jerry.   JERRY: Sorry, the flight was delayed, how long've you been waiting?   GEORGE: I just got here. My car broke down on the Belt Parkway.   JERRY: Oh I can't believe-- why don't you get rid of that piece of junk.   GEORGE: One mile from the exit it starts shaking, really violently shaking, like it's having a nervous breakdown. It completely stopped dead.   JERRY: So you have no car?   GEORGE: No.   JERRY: So what good are you?   Jerry looks over towards a chauffer holding a sign that says O'BRIEN   JERRY: I'll tell you one thing, this chauffeur's gonna be waiting a while, O'Brien's not showing up.   GEORGE: How do you know?   JERRY: He was in Chicago, the flight was overbooked, wouldn't let him on the plane. He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden.   GEORGE: We should take his limo.   JERRY: Yeah, right.   GEORGE: Wait a second. Think about it. He's not showing up. Wait till you see the line of cabs, its like forty-five minutes long. You said he's in Chicago.   JERRY: He's definitely in Chicago.   GEORGE: Well the guy's just standing there.   JERRY: How would we do it?   GEORGE: We just go up to him, we say, "We're O'Brien."   JERRY: Maybe he knows O'Brien?   GEORGE: No, he doesn't know O'Brien, if he knew O'Brien he wouldn't have a sign. Let's just do it.   JERRY: What if we get caught?   GEORGE: What's gonna happen? They can't kill us.   JERRY: Who's gonna be O'Brien?   GEORGE: I'll be O'Brien.   JERRY: Who am I?   GEORGE: You're you.   JERRY: Just me?   GEORGE: Yeah.   JERRY: Okay.   GEORGE: What, you don't want to be you?   JERRY: Well if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody?   GEORGE: Like who?   JERRY: Dylan Murphy.   (George mumbles something.)   JERRY: What, now you wanna be Dylan Murphy?   GEORGE: Well I like Dylan.   JERRY: You could be Colin.   GEORGE: Colin O'Brien.   JERRY: I'm Dylan Murphy.   GEORGE: I'm Colin O'Brien.   (They walk towards the chauffeur.)   GEORGE: Are we really doing this?   JERRY: Come on,   MAN: (to George) Hey, do you have the time?   GEORGE: Clock over there. (to chauffer) O'Brien.   CHAUFFEUR: Yes sir.   GEORGE: Sorry we're late.   CHAUFFEUR: Here let me take that for you.   GEORGE: Oh thank you.   CHAUFFEUR: I'll get the car and I'll bring it around front.   GEORGE: Thank you very much. Dylan?   JERRY: Colin?    [George and Jerry are in the back of a limo. George is giddy with excitement.]   GEORGE: This is incredible! This is one of the greatest things I've ever done in my life! I'm gonna call my mother.   JERRY: What for?   GEORGE: I dunno, I'm in a limo. (dials) Hello ma? It's me. Guess where I am. In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it? Alright, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you! How's this? I'm *never* telling you! I don't care! No! Fine! Never!!   JERRY: She happy for you?   GEORGE: Can he hear us?   JERRY: No. Why?   GEORGE: I thought I saw him look in the mirror suspiciously.   JERRY: He can't hear us.   GEORGE: Let's test him. Hey, driver. What do you say we stop off, pick up your sister, have a little fun back here? No, he can't hear us.   JERRY: Where's he dropping us? Maybe we can get him to drop us right at my house?   GEORGE: We'll ask him. (opens partition) My dear fellow, where are you dropping us?   CHAUFFEUR: Madison Square Garden, of course. I have the four passes.   GEORGE: Of course, the uh, the four passes. (closes partition) Four passes to Madison Square Garden? Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Of course! Chicago! The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight!   JERRY: What?   GEORGE: We are going to the Knick game! Michael Jordan!   JERRY: We're going to the Knick game!   GEORGE: Did I tell you?! Did I tell you?!   JERRY: I can't believe it! You may have hit with this one!   GEORGE: You see, you see? I see things as they are and I say, 'no!' Uh, wait, you see things as they are not and you s- Wait, uh, you see things, do you see things as they are? What do you say when you see things?   JERRY: Lemme call Elaine and Kramer.   GEORGE: If I see things as they are, I would ask 'why' or 'why not?'   JERRY: Elaine? It's me. What are you doing tonight? Great. George and I have tickets, four free passes to the Knicks-Bulls game, Madison Square Garden. Can you go? Great, listen, call Kramer, tell him to meet us on the corner at seven o'clock. Alright. We're gonna pick you up in a limo. That's right baby-doll. Hey listen, when we pick you up, I'm Murphy and George is O'Brien. I can't tell you now, it's a long story. I am serious. Okay. Okay bye. (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, we have to make a little stop first.   CHAUFFEUR: I know.   Jerry and GEORGE: He knows?   GEORGE: Where are we going? Why are we pulling off here?   JERRY: Maybe it's a shortcut.   GEORGE: We're on the Grand Central, there's no traffic.   JERRY: (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, why are we getting off this exit?   CHAUFFEUR: Pick up the other members of your party.   GEORGE: Right. The other members of our party. (closes partition) Other members of our party? What other members of our party? I didn't even know we were in a party. Oh, I'm telling you, the jig is up.   JERRY: It was a bad jig to begin with, we never should have started this jig.   GEORGE: It was a good jig.   JERRY: It was a bad jig, a terrible terrible jig. What are we gonna do now? They're gonna know you're not O'Brien.   GEORGE: There could be more than one O'Brien on a plane who ordered a limo.   JERRY: First of all, you don't look like any O'Brien, period.   GEORGE: Well you should have been O'Brien.   JERRY: I don't want to be Murphy anymore; do I still have to be Murphy?   GEORGE: Yes, you have to be Murphy.   JERRY: It makes no sense now, me being Murphy.   GEORGE: You're Murphy!   JERRY: I'm Seinfeld!   GEORGE: You're Murphy!! Look, let's just jump out of the car.   JERRY: We're doing sixty miles an hour!   GEORGE: So we jump and roll, you won't get hurt.   JERRY: Who are you, Mannix?   GEORGE: We're slowing down. Are those the people?   JERRY: Alright put your hands up over your face, pretend you're sleeping.   (The limo pulls over, two people, a man (Tim) and a woman (Eva), get in.)   WOMAN: (reaches out to Jerry) Mr. O'Brien?   JERRY: No, I'm, uh, Dylan Murphy. Mr. O'Brien had a long trip, he's sleeping.   EVA: (whispering) Oh, well I don't want to disturb him. We're just rather excited to meet him face to face, finally. We're faithful readers of his newsletter.   JERRY: Newsletter?   TIM: And of course, his great book, "The Game".   JERRY: Oh, yes, he's very proud of his work in the big game. So you've never uh, met him before?   EVA: No.   JERRY: Never seen a picture of him?   EVA: Never.   JERRY: Not even on the book jacket?   EVA: There was no picture on the book jacket.   JERRY: (nudging George) Hey O'Brien, wake up, c'mon, we got company. Wake up.   GEORGE: Hello. I'm O'Brien.    [Elaine meets Kramer of Jerry's corner.]   KRAMER: Hey!   ELAINE: Hey!   KRAMER: What, you took a cab?   ELAINE: Yeah? So?   KRAMER: How much do you make?   ELAINE: I'm not telling you.   KRAMER: C'mon.   ELAINE: No!   KRAMER: I'll tell you how much I make.   ELAINE: I know how much you make. I don't even know why I'm doing this, I don't even like basketball.   KRAMER: You ever seen Michael Jordan?   ELAINE: Just in those commercials.   KRAMER: Maybe you'll see him do one of those three-sixty dunks.   ELAINE: What's that?   KRAMER: Oh, it's like this, here, you guard me.   ELAINE: Huh?   KRAMER: Yeah.   (Kramer then drives to 'the hoop' and tumbles headfirst into a bunch of garbage cans.)    [Cut back to 'O'Brien' and 'Murphy' in the limo.]   JERRY: (checking his watch) I don't think we're gonna make the tip off.   TIM: You think someone's been tipped off?   GEORGE: So, um, you've read "The Big Game", have you?   EVA: (fawning) Yes I've read it and I've memorized it.   GEORGE: Tell me your impressions, I would love to hear what a young woman thinks of "The Big Game".   EVA: Well, this is sort of embarrassing, but it's changed my life. The way you analyzed the game? The way you identify the major players? Well it left me breathless. You're a brilliant, brilliant man.   GEORGE: Well, it's just a game. Remember that, kids.   TIM: Just a game. He's so humble. Don't forget what you wrote in the epilogue, the fate of the world depends on the outcome of this game.   GEORGE: Well, I was exaggerating a bit, just for effect.   JERRY: He tends to exaggerate.   GEORGE: Okay, I mean it's serious but--   EVA: We are really looking forward to your speech tonight.   GEORGE: Uh, my speech?   EVA: Yes, your secretary faxed me the copy. Would you like to look it over?   JERRY: Well you might as well look it over.    [Cut back to Kramer and Elaine waiting on the corner.]   KRAMER: So what's going on, how did all this happen?   ELAINE: Jerry and George called me from this limo and they said we're all going to the Knicks-Bulls game.   KRAMER: Limo? I thought that George went to pick him up.   ELAINE: He did.   KRAMER: Well then why would they take a limo from the airport?   ELAINE: I don't know.   KRAMER: That's pretty strange. Did he say anything else?   ELAINE: Yeah. He said, um, he said it's really important that we call them O'Brien and Murphy.   KRAMER: O'Brien. Why would he want to be called O'Brien?    [Cut back to the limo, George is reading from O'Brien's speech.]   GEORGE: ...and the Jews steal our money through their Zionist occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities.   JERRY: You're not going to open with that, are you?   EVA: What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust?   GEORGE: I said so many things.   (Suddenly they hear a loud bang.)   GEORGE: They're shooting! They're shooting!   TIM: (pulling out a gun) Alright, get down!   (The limo comes to a screeching halt. Tim exits the limo to look around, Eva has fallen on top of George.)   EVA. Ohhh. I'm ready to die for you.   GEORGE: That's really very nice of you, Eva. Thank you.   EVA: But of course you know I would. I would do anything for you. Anything.   (Tim returns.)   TIM: Nothing to worry about, it was just a flat tire. But rest assured, we're prepared to handle anything that might come up.   Tim opens a briefcase filled with firearms. Eva grabs one and starts handling it sensually.   JERRY: Nice looking Lugar.    {Jodi Baskerville, reporting live.}   JODI: I'm standing in front of the Paramount adjacent to Madison Square Garden where a growing number of vociferous and angry demonstrators are gathering to protest the very first public appearance of Donald O'Brien, the leader of the midwestern regional chapter of the Aryan Union, and reputed to be their most charismatic spokesman. The reclusive Mr. O'Brien is an advocate of the violent overthrow of the government. He has openly professed a deep admiration of Adolf Hitler. Even David Duke has denounced him as a dangerous extremist. There is a full house inside awaiting his arrival from the airport. Sources tell me he is in route and should be arriving momentarily. Police have set up barricades, but quite frankly Bill and Jean, I don't think they're any match for the emotional fuse that has been lit here tonight. Reporting from the Paramount, I'm Jodi Baskerville, back to you in the studio.    [Cut back to Kramer and Elaine on the corner.]   KRAMER: Something's very strange. George goes to the airport to pick up Jerry. They come back in a limo with four tickets to the basketball game and wanna be called O'Brien and Murphy? O'Brien. O'Brien, why O'Brien?   (A group of people approach from the adjacent sidewalk. One of them recognized Elaine.)   DAN: Elaine?   ELAINE: Dan! Oh, hi Dan, how are you?   DAN: Good.   ELAINE: Um, oh, this is um, Kramer.   DAN: Oh, Kramer?   (They shake hands.)   ELAINE: What's going on?   DAN: Oh, we're heading down to protest this big neo-nazi rally. The head of the Aryan Union is speaking, he's in from Chicago. You should come.   ELAINE: Oh, can't, I'm going to the Knicks-Bulls game.   DAN: Oh, well that's where the rally is. The Paramount, right next door.   ELAINE: Oh, well, maybe we'll run into you.   DAN: Yeah, yeah ok. It's really gonna be something, this is the first time he's ever appeared in public, no one even knows what he looks like.   KRAMER: Who?   DAN: The head of the Aryan Union; O'Brien.    [Cut back to the limo.]   (Jerry and George are alone inside.)   JERRY: What's taking him so long out there?   GEORGE: Didja see the way she was looking at me?   JERRY: She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!   GEORGE: I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though.   JERRY: Well we gotta make a plan before they come back, what are we gonna do?   GEORGE: I don't know.   JERRY: Let's just make a run for it.   GEORGE: I can't run, I have a bad hamstring.   JERRY: How'd that happen?   GEORGE: I hurt it in a hotel room. You know where they tuck the covers in real tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that so I tried to kick it out and I pulled it.   JERRY: I know, why do they make that bed so tight? You gotta sleep with your feet like that.   GEORGE: For a mental patient. Wait a minute, the phone, we'll call the police.   (George grabs the phone and dials.)   GEORGE: 9... 1... 1. She said she'd do anything. Hello, police? Uh, yeah listen, we're in the back of a limo in Queens--   (Tim re-enters the limo.)   GEORGE: --Astroturf? You know who's responsible for that, don't you?! The Jews! Ah, the Jews hate grass. They always have, they always will.   TIM: We'll be ready in a minute.   GEORGE: Would you excuse us for a minute Tim boy, we're kind of in the middle of something.   TIM: With all due respect, Mr. O'Brien, we're just about to leave.   GEORGE: Tim, who's the head of the Aryan Union, you or me?   TIM: You are.   GEORGE: And who's responsible for making hate mongering and fascism popular again?   TIM: You are.   GEORGE: Good. I think you forgot something.   TIM: I'm sorry.   GEORGE: Good. Now get out.   (Tim leaves.)   GEORGE: Okay, what are we gonna do?   JERRY: I don't know.   GEORGE: Alright, how's this? We wait till we get to your street corner, we see Elaine and Kramer then we get out. They can't shoot us in the city.   JERRY: Nah. No one's ever been shot in the city.    [Cut back to Elaine and Kramer on the corner.]   KRAMER: I'm telling you, something's going on. I can feel it, sense it.   ELAINE: I'm sure he was just joking around.   KRAMER: Oh no no no, this is no joke. O'Brien's coming in from Chicago, Jerry's in a limo, says he's O'Brien? That's not funny. Oh my god. Yes. Yes!   ELAINE: What is it?   KRAMER: Don't you see? There's always been something very strange about Jerry, always so clean and organized. Do I have to spell it out for you? The limo? The name? The rally at Madison Square Garden? Jerry, O'Brien are the same person. Jerry is the leader of the Aryan Union!   ELAINE: Jerry's a nazi?!   KRAMER: I can't believe I didn't see it.   ELAINE: Listen, you idiot! Just calm down! I know Jerry, he's not a nazi.   KRAMER: You don't think so.   ELAINE: No, he's just neat.    [Cut back to the limo]   TIM: You know it's funny. You don't look like an O'Brien.   GEORGE: Me??   (George and Jerry laugh nervously.)   TIM: And you really don't look like a Murphy.   JERRY: I may not look like a Murphy but I act like a Murphy.   GEORGE: He's extremely Murphy. He's Murphy to a fault.   TIM: Where are you from?   JERRY: Dublin. Originally. Parents came over here when I was eighteen. Cereal famine. Couldn't get a bowl anywhere. Bad. 'Tis a beautiful country though; lush rolling hills, and the peat, ah the peat.   TIM: Sounds more like Scottish.   JERRY: We were right on the border.    [Cut back to the street corner]   KRAMER: Maybe he's with the company.   ELAINE: What?   KRAMER: The CIA! Maybe they placed him in there to infiltrate the organization from within.   ELAINE: What about his comedy act?   KRAMER: That's the perfect cover! All that time on the road? Look Jerry, he's too normal to be a comedian. These comedians, they're sick, neurotic people.   ELAINE: What about George?   KRAMER: What about him, he's part of it. His whole personality is a disguise. No real person can act the way he does. Elaine, I'm telling you they're with the organization. They're all part of it. He's in there with Helms and Hunt and Liddy, that whole crowd. George and Jerry, they probably know who killed Kennedy!   ELAINE: I'll bet they were even in on it.   KRAMER: Alright, what are we gonna do? I'm not gonna let him hurt you. (grabs and hugs Elaine tightly) I'm not gonna.   ELAINE: Kramer, you're hurting me!    [Quick cut to the now approaching limo.]   GEORGE: Those are my friends I was telling you about. We're gonna talk to them, pull over.   ELAINE: Get off of me!!   (The limo pulls over and George and Jerry get out.)   KRAMER: O'Brien.   (This attracts the attention of Dan and his friends standing at a nearby bus stop.)   MAN #1: O'Brien? Is that him?   MAN #2: Yeah, that's him.   MAN #3: Look there's O'Brien!   MAN #4: Filthy nazi bastard!   ALL FOUR MEN: Let's get him!!   (They begin running full speed towards the gang.)   GEORGE: What do I do?! What do I do?!   JERRY: Get in the car! Get in the car!   (George, Elaine, Jerry and Kramer all jump into the limo which speeds off.)   KRAMER: (pointing to Jerry) O'Brien. Long time no see. How's tricks, Murphy?   TIM: Why did you call him O'Brien and him Murphy?   JERRY: No, he was talking to me, he's cross-eyed.   ELAINE: It could be very confusing.   (The limo phone rings Kramer answers it.)   KRAMER: Yeah? Eva?   EVA: It's for me. (takes phone) Hello? (cups receiver) It's O'Brien.   KRAMER: O'Brien? Well that's weird.   EVA: (gun drawn) Who are you?   (George and Jerry begin simultaneous explanations about how George's car broke down when he went to pick Jerry up at the airport.)    [Cut back to Jodi Baskerville, reporting live.]   JODI: A limousine has just pulled up it's being surrounded by a huge group of protestors, this has the makings of a very ugly scene.    [Cut back to the limo, Elaine has joined the group explanation, none of the three are intelligible at this point.]   JODI: They are banging on the car, trying to flip it over. The police seem unable or unwilling to control the crowd, I would imagine Mr. O'Brien must be having some very grave doubts if he made the right choice for his first public appearance.   Cut back to the limo. The explanations are becoming more heated and less understandable, the limo is rocking violently and Tim and Eva are becoming unnerved.   EVA: Get out!!   ELAINE: Look, it's Dan! Hi Dan!   DAN: Elaine?   ELAINE: Hey!    [Cut to George in front of a news camera, the on screen graphic says 'DONALD O'BRIEN Leader of the Aryan Union'.]   GEORGE: I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien! I'm not O'Brien! Ask anyone! Jerry?! Jerry?!!    [Closing monologue]   So I was watching this movie the other night, it was a World War Two movie and there was Nazis in the movie and I noticed that the Nazis in those movies always had like two separate heils. They had like the regular heil that they would do and then when they were around the offices they had like this casual heil, remember that one, you ever notice that? They come in, yeah, heil, how are ya, is the kid back with the coffee yet? Come on, are you finished with the copier? Yeah. World domination, Aryan race, whose donuts are those? Yeah, heil, nice to see ya, can I have one of those donuts?    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 140 - The Fatigues  pc: 806, season 8, episode 6  Broadcast date: October 31, 1996   Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ........................  Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................... George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ................ Elaine Benes  Michael Richards .................... Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Joseph Urla ............................ Dugan  Ned Bellamy .......................... Eddie  A.J. Langer ........................... Abby  Katie Layman ........................ Cynthia  Eddie Allen ........................... Doctor  Gwen McGee ........................ Janine  Lynn Manning ...................... Blind Man  rc: Estelle Harris ................... Estelle Costanza  rc: Jerry Stiller ....................... Frank Costanza  rc: Richard Herd ................... Wilhelm  rc:  Steve Hytner .................. Kenny Bania   ==================================================================   [Jerry and a woman are eating at a restaurant.]   WOMAN: Well I started out working in mortgage bonds, but I just found that so limiting.   JERRY: My friend Kramer and I were discussing that same thing the other day. He was with Brant-Leland for a while.   WOMAN: Wow. Well then my mentor suggested that I move into equities, best move I ever made.   JERRY: Mentor? You mean your boss.   WOMAN: Oh, no no no, Cynthia's just a successful businesswoman who's taken me under her wing.   JERRY: Hmm. So Cynthia's your mentor.   WOMAN: And I'm her protégé. You must have someone like that. You know, who guides you in your career path.   JERRY: Well, I like Gabe Kaplan.     [George and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.]   GEORGE: I still don't understand this. Abby has a mentor?   JERRY: Yes. And the mentor advises the protégé.   GEORGE: Is there any money involved?   JERRY: No.   GEORGE: So what's in it for the mentor?   JERRY: Respect, admiration, prestige.   GEORGE: Pssh. Would the protégé pick up stuff for the mentor?   JERRY: I suppose if it was on the protégé's way to the mentor, they might.   GEORGE: Laundry? Dry cleaning?   JERRY: It's not a valet, it's a protégé.   GEORGE: Alright. Listen, I gotta get some reading done. You mind if I do this here? I can't concentrate in my apartment.   JERRY: (checking out George's textbook) Risk management?   GEORGE: Yeah. Steinbrenner wants everyone in the front office to give a lecture in their area of business expertise.   JERRY: Well what makes them think you're a risk management expert?   GEORGE: I guess it's on my resume.   (The phone rings, Jerry answers.)   JERRY: Hello?   VOICE: Please hold for Elaine Benes.   GEORGE: You know what? I can't do this. I can't read books anymore; books on tape have ruined me, Jerry. I need that nice voice. This book has *my* voice. I hate my voice.   JERRY: So get this book on tape.   GEORGE: You can't, it's a textbook.   ELAINE: Hey, Jer. Are you going to this Bob Sacamano party?   JERRY: Am I going? It was three nights ago.   ELAINE: What? You're kidding, I just got this invitation today. Oh, I was so excited. It's really a beautiful invitation.   JERRY: Oh, it was a lovely affair.   ELAINE: Wait a minute; this postmark is three weeks old. Man, this happens all the time. (Into intercom) Jeanine? Who the hell runs the mailroom?   JEANINE: Eddie Sherman.   ELAINE: Alright, send him up here.   JERRY: You gonna do a little yelling?   ELAINE: I'm gonna do a little firing.   JERRY: That is so cool, can you put me on the speaker?   ELAINE: Oh yeah, sure. (hangs up) Gimme a break.   (Jerry gets a dial tone and hangs up; he looks over at George who has nodded off with the book in his lap. Jerry picks up a peanut and tosses it at George, hitting him in the glasses and waking him up.)   JERRY: Hey, Copernicus?     [Elaine's office.]   JEANINE: Eddie Sherman is here.   ELAINE: Oh, great. Send him in.   (Eddie Sherman walks in dressed in full military fatigues. He speaks in a raspy voice.)   EDDIE: You wanted to see me?   ELAINE: Eddie. Yes, um, I am so sorry but I'm afraid we're gonna have to... promote you.     [Elaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop.]   JERRY: So, what did you say?   ELAINE: Well, I called him all the way up to my office, so I had to tell him something important. So I promoted him.   JERRY: What? What did you--   ELAINE: Copywriter.   JERRY: He's writing copy?   ELAINE: Well it can't be any worse than the pointless drivel we normally churn out.   (Kramer walks in carrying a stack of flyers, he hands a few to Jerry and Elaine.)   KRAMER: Yowza yowza. Check it out.   JERRY: (reading) Jewish singles night?   KRAMER: I expect you both to be there.   ELAINE: I'm not Jewish.   KRAMER: Well neither am I.   JERRY: Well why are you going?   KRAMER: I'm not, I'm running it.   JERRY: What are you talking about?   KRAMER: Well Lomez, he usually runs it but he's in the Everglades.   JERRY: Lomez is Jewish?   KRAMER: Oh yeah yeah yeah. Orthodox, Jerry. Old school.   ELAINE: (reading) At the Knights of Columbus?   KRAMER: Yeah, Frank Costanza, he's getting me a room at his lodge. So Jerry, you know I'm really counting on you to come to this.   JERRY: Kramer, you know, I--   KRAMER: No, Jerry, look I'm cooking all the food myself.   ELAINE: (reading) A tempting schmear of authentic Jewish delicacies.   KRAMER: Do you like tsimmis?     [Jerry and Abby are being seated in a restaurant.]   ABBY: My mentor says the duck is outstanding here.   JERRY: I'm not really a duck fan, the skin seems sort of human.   ABBY: Oh! Look who's here, Cynthia!   CYNTHIA: Hello, Abby.   ABBY: Hello. Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman, my mentor.   JERRY: Hello.   CYNTHIA: Hi Jerry, nice to finally meet you.   ABBY: Well come join us, we could pull up a chair.   CYNTHIA: Great, my boyfriend's just parking the car. Actually, Jerry, you  night know him, he's a comic too.   JERRY: No kidding?   CYNTHIA: Kenny Bania.   JERRY: Bania?   (Bania enters.)   BANIA: Hey, Jerry!! How's it going?! You gonna join us for dinner? The duck here's the best. The best, Jerry.     [George is on the subway, seated beside a blind man wearing headphones.]   GEORGE: Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, I noticed that you have a textbook on tape. May I ask where you got that?   MAN: Reading for the Blind. They can get any book on tape.   GEORGE: I tell ya, I am hooked on these books on tape.   MAN: Oh, tell me about it. These things have ruined me for Braille.     [George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.]   JERRY: Reading for the Blind?   GEORGE: I take an eye test; I flunk it, the next thing you know I am swinging to the sweet sounds of risk management.   JERRY: So, I finally met the mentor.   GEORGE: What's she like? Impressive?   JERRY: Oh yeah, she's dating Bania.   GEORGE: Bania?   JERRY: Yeah. I had to spend two hours at dinner last night with that specimen.   GEORGE: What did you have?   JERRY: Chicken, how could she look up to a person who voluntarily spends time with Bania?   GEORGE: Marsala?   JERRY: Piccata, if anything I should be dating a mentor and Bania should be setting pins in a bowling alley.   GEORGE (leaving) Alright, I got a test to fail.   JERRY: Hey, good luck with that.   GEORGE: Thank you.   (George opens the door to see Kramer and Frank leaving Kramer's apartment.)   GEORGE: Dad.   FRANK: What are you wearing, an athletic sweat suit?   GEORGE: What are you doing here?   KRAMER: Well, he came by to pick up his check for the banquet hall. You know I got a hundred and eighty-three responses? Oh, it's gonna be a rager.   JERRY: Kramer, how are you gonna cook Jewish delicacies for a hundred and eighty-three people?   KRAMER: Yeah, you're right. That's a lot of pupkitz. Hey Frank, you know anybody who can help me cook?   FRANK: Cook? No, I don't know any cooks. I don't know anything about cooking!   (Frank storms out of the apartment.)   KRAMER: What's the matter with him?   GEORGE: My dad was a cook during the Korean War. Something very bad happened, ever since you can't get him near a kitchen.   KRAMER: Shell-shocked?   GEORGE: Oh yeah, but that has nothing to do with it.     [Elaine is wrapping up a meeting at Peterman's.]   ELAINE: That's good work, guys. That aught to do it for today.   EDDIE: Wait. You didn't ask me about my ideas.   ELAINE: Oh, Eddie, well it's your first day.   EDDIE: I'm ready.   ELAINE: Oh, okay.   EDDIT: (reading) It's a hot night. The mind races. You think about your knife; the only friend who hasn't betrayed you, the only friend who won't be dead by sun up. Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted Chambray nightshirts.     [Elaine and Jerry are at the coffee shop.]   ELAINE: What am I gonna do? He is a disaster.   JERRY: Well, if he's doing that bad, maybe he's in line for another promotion.   ELAINE: You know what? You are exactly right. That is what I should do, I should promote him. I'll give him another office on another floor and he can sit there with his nice title and his bayonet and stop freakin' me out.     [George is taking an eye exam.]   GEORGE: Nothing at all.   DOCTOR: Well George, your vision is quite impaired. If you'll just sign this insurance form, here's a pen.   (George reaches for the pen and grabs the Doctor's face.)   GEORGE: You're a very handsome man, by the way.     [Jerry walks into his apartment; there are pots and pans bubbling on the stove.]   JERRY: What the hell is going on here?   (Kramer comes running in holding a scalding pot full of dumplings, he drops the pot into the sink and cools his burnt fingers.)   JERRY: What are you doing?   KRAMER: I got three kitchens going. I got brisket going at Newman's, I got kugel working at Mrs. Zamfino's, this is kreplach. Here, try some of this.   JERRY: No, I don't want to.   KRAMER: Eat, eat! You're skin and bones.   (Jerry gabs a fork and tastes a piece.)   KRAMER: Hah?   JERRY: Oh, this is awful.   KRAMER: Jerry, it's kreplach. It's an acquired taste, yeah.   (Kramer bites into one and spits it out.)   JERRY: Did you follow the recipe?   KRAMER: The recipe was for four to six people; I had to multiply for a hundred and eighty-three people. I guess I got confused.   JERRY: It tastes like dirt.   KRAMER: Well I also dropped it on the way over. Look I'm in trouble, I got no skills. I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate. I can't mince! I got no sense of flavor, obviously. You know, I gotta talk to Frank.   JERRY: Kramer, you can't talk to Frank.   KRAMER: No I gotta talk to him, I know that he can help me, Jerry.   (Abby walks in.)   ABBY: I think there's a dead animal in the elevator.   KRAMER: My stuffed cabbage!   (Kramer runs out.)   ABBY: So, great dinner last night.   JERRY: Yeah, it was alright.   ABBY: I told Cynthia we'd double with her and Bania Saturday and then catch his act.   JERRY: No. No, no way, no Bania.   ABBY: What?   JERRY: Have you seen his act? He's got a twelve-minute bit about Ovaltine. He's a punk, a patsy, a hack.   ABBY: Cynthia would not date a hack.   JERRY: Would. Does. Is.     [Elaine is chairing a meeting at Peterman's.]   ELAINE: Before we get started, I am happy to tell you that Eddie Sherman is no longer writing for this catalog.   (There are general remarks of relief from the meeting attendees.)   ELAINE: He's upstairs, I made him Director of Corporate Development.   EMPLOYEE: You promoted him?   ELAINE: Well, no, I would hardly--   EMPLOYEE: I bust my hump ever day.   ELAINE: Relax--   EMPLOYEE: As far as I'm concerned, you and your deranged protégé can run the catalog by yourselves! I quit!   (What follows is a chorus of "me too"s and "I'm with him"s as everybody walks out.)   ELAINE: Well, hey? Hey. Hey!!     [George is in his office at Yankee stadium, he pushes 'play' on a cassette recorder. The voice on the tape sounds exactly like George.]   VOICE: Chapter one. In order to manage risk we must first understand risk. How do you spot risk? How do you avoid risk and what makes it so risky?   GEORGE: This guy sounds just like me.   VOICE: To understand risk, we must first define risk.   GEORGE: This is horrible.   VOICE: Risk is defined as--   GEORGE: (banging the recorder) Stop it! Stop it!     [Kramer is at Frank's.]   KRAMER: C'mon Frank, I need you. I mean the war was fifty years ago.   FRANK: In my mind, there's a war still going on.   KRAMER: Alright, what happened, Frank? What is it that you can't get over?   (Frank pours a shot of whiskey and drinks it.)   FRANK: Inchon, Korea, 1950. I was the best cook Uncle Sam ever saw, slinging hash for the Fighting 103rd. As we marched north, our supply lines were getting thin. One day a couple of GIs found a crate, inside were six hundred pounds of prime Texas steer. At least it once was prime. The Use date was three weeks past, but I was arrogant, I was brash, I thought if I used just the right spices, cooked it long enough...   KRAMER: What happened?   FRANK: I went too far. I over seasoned it. Men were keeling over all around me. I can still hear the retching, the screaming. I sent sixteen of my own men to the latrines that night. They were just boys.   KRAMER: Frank, you were a boy too. And it was war. It was a crazy time for everyone.   FRANK: Tell that to Bobby Colby. All that kid wanted to do was go home. Well he went home alright, with a crater in his colon the size of a cutlet. Had to sit him on a cork the eighteen-hour flight home!   KRAMER: Frank, now listen to me. Two hundred Jewish singles need you. This is your chance to make it all right again.   FRANK: No. No, I'll never cook again! Never! Now get out of my house!! Get out. Go.     [Jerry and Abby are in Jerry's apartment.]   JERRY: So you saw Bania's act?   ABBY: He got two minutes into that Ovaltine thing and I just couldn't take it anymore.   JERRY: I told you, it's like getting beaten with a bag of oranges.   ABBY: Why is he so obsessed with Ovaltine?   JERRY: He just thinks that anything that dissolves in milk is funny.   ABBY: Anyway, Cynthia and I got into this big argument afterwards and I think it's over.   JERRY: No more mentor?   ABBY: Looks that way.   JERRY: Well at least you and I are okay again.   ABBY: Actually I was kind of thinking that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while.   JERRY: Why?   ABBY: Well I'm feeling a little disoriented. It's just weird for me not to have an advisor.   JERRY: I can tell you what to do.   ABBY: No, it's more than that.   JERRY: I can tell you what to think.   ABBY: I need someone I can trust.   JERRY: Oh.   (George busts in.)   GEORGE: I got a big problem here, Jerry. The tapes are worthless.   JERRY: Kind of in the middle of something here, George.   (George shuts up and relaxes on the couch.)   JERRY: George?   ABBY: I gotta run anyway.   JERRY: I can't believe you feel you really need a mentor.   ABBY: I just need someone who can give me some kind of direction. I'll see ya.   JERRY: Yeah, see ya.   (Abby leaves and George gets up and runs out the door after her.)   JERRY: What's your problem.   (George runs back.)   GEORGE: No problem.   (George runs away again.)     [Elaine and Eddie Sherman are alone in the office working on writing copy.]   EDDIE: Hey, I think I got something here. The Bengalese Galoshes.   ELAINE: Oh.   EDDIE: (reading) It's tough keeping your feet dry when you're kicking in a skull.   ELAINE: You know, Eddie, that might be just a tad harsh for womenswear.   EDDIE: Well, I'm not married to it.   Elaine. Oh. Well, um, in that case why don't we take the phrase, "kicking in a skull" and we tweak it, you know, just a hair, to something like, what, like "strolling through a dewy meadow"?   EDDIE: Dewy meadow.     [Frank and Estelle are in their kitchen.]   ESTELLE: Here's your omelet.   FRANK: It's dry.   ESTELLE: That's the way I always make it.   FRANK: Well it sucks.   ESTELLE: What did you say?   FRANK: Your meatloaf is mushy, your salmon croquettes are oily and your eggplant parmesan is a disgrace to this house!   ESTELLE: Well that's too bad, because I'm the only one who cooks around here!   FRANK: Not any more! Gimme that spatula! I'm back, baby!     [George and Abby are at George's office.]   ABBY: And you're sure with your busy schedule you'd have time to take on a protégé?   GEORGE: I'll make time, because Abby, I was once like you; wide-eyed, naive, I didn't know the first thing about a subject as fundamental as risk management.   ABBY: I'm not familiar with that, you'll have to explain it to me.   GEORGE: I'll tell you what, why don't you read this book and let's just see if you can explain it to me.   ABBY: Alright.   GEORGE: Okay.     [Jerry runs into Bania on a street corner.]   BANIA: Hey Jerry.   JERRY: Oh, hey Bania.   BANIA: Didja hear what happened? The mentor saw my act. She dumped me.   JERRY: Oh, that's too bad.   BANIA: Maybe she's right. Maybe I am a complete hack. I'm the absolute worst. The worst, Jerry.   JERRY: Well it's just that you got so many things with the milk. You got that Bosco bit then you got your Nestlé's Quik bit, by the time you get to Ovaltine--   BANIA: You think you can give me a hand with my material?     [Frank is knocking on Kramer's door.]   KRAMER: Hey.   FRANK: You still need a cook?   KRAMER: Oh yeah, come on in, Frank.   FRANK: Ya got T-Fal?   KRAMER: Keflon.   FRANK: No! Follow me.     [Jerry is reviewing material with Bania.]   BANIA: (reading) Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it round tine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold!     [Elaine is reviewing copy with Eddie.]   ELAINE: Let's just replace "hail of shrapnel" and "scar tissue" with "string of pearls" and "raspberry scones".     [Jerry and Abby are at Jerry's apartment.]   JERRY: George Costanza is your mentor?   ABBY: Yeah, he's great! I am learning so much.   (Abby places her risk management folder on the table.)   JERRY: About what? How to calculate five percent of a restaurant check?   ABBY: You know what your problem is? You just have no respect for the mentor/mentor relationship.   JERRY: As a matter of fact, I happen to have a protégé of my own.   (Jerry places his Bania folder on the table.)   ABBY: Who?   JERRY: A Mister Kenneth Bania.   ABBY: Bania?   JERRY: I'm gonna mentor this kid to the top.   ABBY: Huh, well, I don't think I want to date a mentor whose protégé is a hack.   (Abby picks up a folder and puts it in her bag.)   JERRY: Well, I don't think I want to date a protégé whose mentor is a Costanza.     [Elaine and Eddie are sharing chocolate shakes at the coffee shop.]   ELAINE: I don't know how we did it, but there's some kind of chemistry between us, we turned out one hell of a catalog.   EDDIE: Cool.   ELAINE: Hey Ed, let me ask you something. What's with the fatigues and all the psychotic imagery? Huh?   EDDIE: I don't want to talk about it.   ELAINE: Come on, don't be a baby.   EDDIE: I went out on a couple of dates with this woman, I thought she really liked me, and then things kind of cooled off.   ELAINE: That's it?   EDDIE: Well it's tough meeting somebody you like, let alone somebody Jewish.     ["Jewish Singles Night".]   ELAINE: Mm. This food is fantastic.   JERRY: Have you tried the hamentashen?   ELAINE: I can't get off the kishkas.   BANIA: Hey Jerry!   JERRY: Bania?   BANIA: I just stopped by to thank you. That risk management stuff you wrote for me? It's killer!   JERRY: Risk management?   BANIA: Aw, it's gold, Jerry! Gold! I got all these corporate gigs and even Cynthia took me back.   (Cut to a woman talking with Eddie Sherman.)   WOMAN: So you went from the mailroom to the director of corporate development in two days?   EDDIE: That's right.   WOMAN: How much are they paying you? I'll double it.   (Cut to Kramer and Frank behind a table loaded with 'Jewish delicacies'.)   KRAMER: Ya know these latkes are going like hotcakes.   FRANK: Where's the powdered sugar?   KRAMER: You know Frank, you could take a break.   FRANK: No breaks. I fell reborn, I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.   (Cut to Eddie breaking the news to Elaine.)   ELAINE: You're quitting?   EDDIE: I can't churn out that pointless drivel any more.   ELAINE: Well, you can't quit, you're all I've got. I need you!   (Elaine grabs Eddie by the lapels and shakes him, Eddie chokes on a piece of bread. Frank sees this and flashes back to Korea. He runs around the room knocking plates to the floor and when Kramer tries to stop him, he heads to the loaded down table and starts to tip it over. The scene ends in mid-tip.)     [George is prepared to give his speech at the Yankees meeting.]   VOICE: Our next speaker is George Costanza on the subject of risk management.   (George steps up and opens his folder.)   GEORGE: Ovaltine. Have you ever had this stuff? Why is it called Ovaltine?   (George flips through a few pages.)   GEORGE: They should call it round tine. You know what I'm talking about.   WILHELM: (proudly, to the man seated beside him): He's my protégé.   FRANK: Noooo!!! Don't eat it! No good!"    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 57 - The Outing  pc: 416, season 4, episode 17  Broadcast date: February 11, 1993   Written by Larry Charles  Directed by Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Paula Marshall .................... Sharon  Kari Coleman ..................... Allison  Anthony Mangano ............ Sailor  Ben Reed ........................... Male Nurse  Lawrence A. Mandley ....... Manager  Charley Garrett ................. Man #1  Deck McKenzie .................. Scott  David Gibbs ....................... Man #2  rc: Liz Sheridan .................. Helen Seinfeld  rc: Barney Martin .............. Morty Seinfeld  rc: Estelle Harris ................ Estelle Costanza   ==================================================================   [Opening monologue]   I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick of pretending to be excited every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over... All you did was not die for twelve months. That's all you've done, as far as I can tell. Now those astrology things where they tell you all the people that have the same birthday as you? It's always an odd group of people too, isn't it? It's like Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat.    [The scene opens with George dropping off his date for the night. She obviously has had a wonderful evening]   ALLISON: I don't want to *live*! I don't want to *live*!   GEORGE: Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because of me? I'm nothing!   ALLISON: No... You're *something*.   GEORGE: You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!   ALLISON: You're good. You're *good*!   GEORGE: I'm bad. I'm *bad*!   ALLISON: You're *killing* me!      [We cut to Monk's where George, Jerry & Elaine are dining (it being a diner, and all). Jerry is over making a phone call while George & Elaine talk at the table.]   GEORGE: So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself.   ELAINE: Over you?   GEORGE: Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable?   (Cut to Jerry who is over at the phone trying to get Sharon Leanord at NYU. Elaine and George exchange thoughts on what they got Jerry for his birthday.)   GEORGE: I got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls".   ELAINE: I got him a two-line phone.   (Jerry returns to the booth and explains the phone call.)   JERRY: Unbelievable! She's not there.   GEORGE: What paper does she write for?   JERRY: The works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student in journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has no idea who I am.   ELAINE: Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that...   JERRY: Y'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately...   ELAINE: [Proudly] Really?   (The camera pans out some so that we can see the three at their table and a girl sitting with her back to George at the next table. She starts to become interested in what the people behind her are talking about as Elaine pops the following philosophical dilemma to her companions)   ELAINE: Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?   JERRY: Living or all time?   ELAINE: All time.   JERRY: Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev.   ELAINE: I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?   GEORGE: Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle.   ELAINE: I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree.   (Elaine notices the woman sitting behind George is eavesdropping on their conversation and discreetly alerts J+G. She decides to add some spice to the conversation. The makes sure to say it loud enough so that the spy at the next table is sure to hear... )   ELAINE: Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already.   (Jerry rolls his eyes and turns away in disbelief while George on the other hand addresses Jerry directly)   GEORGE: So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love.   JERRY: [indignantly] What's the matter with you?   GEORGE: [quietly] C'mon, go along...   JERRY: I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose- stepping past me: "C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..."   JERRY: Y'know I hear that all the time.   ELAINE: Hear what?   JERRY: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.   ELAINE: Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too.   JERRY: Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat.   ELAINE: And you get along well with women.   GEORGE: I guess that leaves me in the clear...     (Meanwhile over at the phone booth, the eavesdropper reveals that she is one Sharon Leonard and she's calling the newspaper that she got to the diner late and missed out on meeting up with Jerry. As she's hanging up, George and Jerry make a trip to the bathroom (have two guys ever actually gone to the bathroom together? Hmmmm...)      [Jerry's apartment]   (Jerry's unpacking groceries (no cereal to be seen) and George comes in.)   GEORGE: I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor.   JERRY: Oh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"?   GEORGE: Yeah, how did you know that?   JERRY: You told me that already like two months ago.   GEORGE: Allison bought it for me.   JERRY: How you gonna get out of *that* one?   GEORGE: I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die.   (Sharon buzzes and comes up to Jerry's apartment. George decides to stay. There's a knock at the door and when Jerry answers it, the two decide if they've ever met before. It's pretty obvious Sharon remembers Jerry and George as that "funny" couple from Monk's. Jerry hasn't placed her face, however. Sharon is introduced to George and)   JERRY: He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you?   SHARON: Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too.   GEORGE: Jerry did you wash this pear?   JERRY: Yeah, I washed it.   GEORGE: It looks like it hasn't been washed.   JERRY: So *wash* *it*.   GEORGE: You hear the way he talks to me?   SHARON: You should hear how *my* boyfriend talks to me...   (Again, Jerry seems confused as to what Sharon is saying. Something's not quite right... But, before another question can be asked, again George has a question-- this time for Sharon)   GEORGE: Let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt?   SHARON: It's nice.   GEORGE: Jerry said he didn't like it.   JERRY: I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K...   GEORGE: No, you said you didn't like it...   JERRY: Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or something?   SHARON: So how did you two meet?   JERRY: Actually, we met in the gym locker room.   GEORGE: Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since.   (George takes a hold of Jerry's leg to stress the point and Sharon, who obviously thinks she has a real story here now, asks another question:)   SHARON: Do you guys live together?   JERRY: [quizzically] Live together?   GEORGE: No, I got my own place.   (Jerry is about *this* close (picture my thumb and forefinger *really* close together) to figuring out what is going on here, when the "question fatale" is asked:)   SHARON: And do your parents know?   JERRY: Know *what*?   GEORGE: My parents? They don't know *what's* goin' on...   JERRY: Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I *knew* you looked familiar!   (All three rise from the couch and a rather excited J+G try to explain things to a very confused reporter.)   JERRY: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that...   GEORGE: No, of course not...   JERRY: I mean that's fine if that's who you are...   GEORGE: Absolutely...   JERRY: I mean I have many gay friends...   GEORGE: My *father* is gay...   SHARON: Look, I know what I heard.   JERRY: It was a *joke*...   GEORGE: Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!   (Not that that approach was going to work, or anything, but what minute chance they had of convincing her is blown away as the door bursts open and:)   KRAMER: Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam!   GEORGE: No!   JERRY: No steam!   KRAMER: Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself!      [We fast forward a couple of hours and Jerry and Elaine are talking in the apartment. Elaine offers to talk to her and Jerry reveals that he has convinced her to "think about it" before she prints anything in the NYU paper. And, for some unknown reason, Elaine refuses to take her jacket off. Kramer enters, graceful as always.]   KRAMER: Happy birthday paruba!   JERRY: Today's not my birthday.   KRAMER: Well, I beg to differ...   (Kramer convinces Jerry it's his birthday and, after Elaine refuses to take her jacket off again, Kramer presents the big guy with his present.)   JERRY: Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone!   (Elaine can be seen mouthing the word "sh*t" and is, for some reason, not impressed with the gift. She picks up her purse to leave.)   JERRY: Hey, where you going?   ELAINE: I gotta go return something...   (Kramer goes to his apartment and Jerry calls him to try out the phone. And, as luck would have it, a call comes in on the other line.)   SHARON: Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just calling to tell you that I'm not going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry.   JERRY: Thank you very much, that's great- >click< Oh! Hold on a sec, I got a call on the other line. >click click< Hello?   GEORGE: Hey.   JERRY: Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper on the other line.   GEORGE: So, what did she say?   JERRY: She says she's not going to play up that angle of the story. She thinks we're heterosexual. [sarcastically] I guess we *fooled* her. I'll get rid of her, hold on... >click click< Sharon? Hello? Sharon, are you there? >click click< I'm back...   GEORGE: Y'know... I could hear you on the other line...   JERRY: What are you talkin' about?   GEORGE: I heard what you said: "Sharon, are you there?".   JERRY: You heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure?   GEORGE: Yes, I heard you!   JERRY: Well, maybe she was disconnected.   GEORGE: Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation!   JERRY: Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer and see if you can hear anything, hold on. >click click click<...   KRAMER: Yello?   JERRY: Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. >click click<   GEORGE: "There may be a problem with the phone, hold on"!   JERRY: Oh no! >click click< Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye!   GEORGE: "The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye"!   JERRY: Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!?   GEORGE: Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong with it...   JERRY: No, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences are nobody's business but their own!    [We shift to Sharon's apartment where Elaine is paying a visit]   SHARON: Why don't you take a seat?   ELAINE: Thank-you.   SHARON: Why don't you take your coat off?      [Monk's; Jerry George and Elaine drinking coffee]   ELAINE: So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it.   JERRY: She wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either.   GEORGE: Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war!   JERRY: So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that...   GEORGE: Not at all.   (Jerry tries to "forcibly remove the coat" in pursuit of some satisfaction. George springs his birthday gift on Jerry.)   GEORGE: Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go with you!   JERRY: "Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical?   GEORGE: It's "Guys And *Dolls*", not "Guys And *Guys*".   JERRY: "The Collected Works Of Bette Midler".   (Nope. Unfortunately for Jerry, things are about to get worse. Elaine notices that there are a couple of guys pointing at Jerry from the other side of the cafe. Jerry goes to investigate.)   JERRY: What do you got there?   MAN #1: _The New York Post_, they've got an article about you.   JERRY: "Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time *companion* seem to be inseparable..." Oh no! The Associated Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper! I've been "outed"! I wasn't even "in"!   GEORGE: Now everyone's going to think we're gay!   JERRY: Not that there's anything wrong with that...   GEORGE: No, not at all...    [Back in the apartment, E+G+J read from _The Post_]   JERRY: "Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor *pad*, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like an old married couple--" *I told you that pear was washed*!   (Kramer Enters)   KRAMER: I thought we were friends...   JERRY: Here we go...   KRAMER: I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me?   JERRY: It's not true!   KRAMER: Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single...   JERRY: So are you...   KRAMER: Yeah--   (It's at this point that Kramer, well, "Pulls a Kramer". He does that mini-epileptic, losing his balance, "waaaaugh" thing and he retreats to his apartment, probably to confront his own sexuality. In Jerry's apartment, the phone rings, George answers.)   GEORGE: Hello?   MRS. S: George?   GEORGE: Mrs. Seinfeld?!?   MRS. S: Oh, my God...   JERRY: Oh, my God! [takes the phone] Ma?   MRS. S: Jerry?   JERRY: Ma!   GEORGE: Oh, my God! My *MOTHER*!!!      [Back at Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld's place, the conversation continues.]   MRS. S: Jerry?   JERRY: Ma, it's not true!   MR. S: It's those damn culottes you made him wear when he was five!   MRS. S: They weren't culottes, they were shorts.   MR. S: They were culottes! You bought them in the girl's department.   MRS. S: By mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry!   MR. S: It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud!   JERRY: Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes!   MRS. S: Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry.      [Back at the Metropolitan Hospital Center, George pays his mother a visit. She seems to be in the same bed from episode ... (yes, that includes the thin sheet covering that allowed for that infamous silhouette]   MRS. C: I open up the paper, and *this* is what I have to read about? I fell right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move... The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked!   GEORGE: It's *not* *true*!   MRS. C: Every *day* it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows *what* you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films.   GEORGE: Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.   MRS. C: Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. Not that there's anything wrong with it.   GEORGE: Of course not...   (In comes a hulking male nurse. He parts the screen and announces)   NURSE: 6:30, Scott. Time for your sponge bath.   (Ack! It's deja vu all over again! Except instead of a couple of women behind the screen (as in the "M" episode), there are two guys. George is transfixed. Mrs. C. has to scream to get his attention off of the "show" going on beside him.)    [at Monk's, E+G+J converge yet again. Jerry informs G+E that Sharon has left a message on his machine. George has other things on his mind.]   GEORGE: Alright, now the play is tomorrow night. So do you want to have dinner first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre?   (Before Jerry can utter his response, a military guy approaches the table.)   SAILOR: Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks.   (And, just as quickly as he appeared, he leaves before Jerry can respond (Colonel Flagg, anyone?) He does have an answer to George's previous question, though.)   JERRY: Y'know, I think I'll pass on the "Guys And Dolls"...   (George throws a "hissy fit" and it told to pipe down by a rather bulky manager from the diner and resolves to take Elaine instead. Elaine then queries George if Allison has seen the article yet.)   GEORGE: No. Just imagine her reaction.   ELAINE: Yeah...   GEORGE: Oh, my God...   JERRY: What?   GEORGE: She hasn't seen the article! When she sees it, she's gonna think-- *I'm out baby*!! I'm out!!!!!    [So, we flash forward to George dropping off Allison. She is mulling over the article that George has given her.]   ALLISON: Yeah? So?   GEORGE: Yeah so??   ALLISON: Well this is nice. They mention your name.   GEORGE: Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying?   ALLISON: No, what?   GEORGE: I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay.   ALLISON: You're *gay*?   GEORGE: Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.   ALLISON: [matter-of-factly] I don't believe it.   GEORGE: You don't believe me? Ask Jerry.   ALLISON: I will.   GEORGE: What do you mean you will? That's a bad idea. Jerry is a very private person.   ALLISON: [Grabs George's lapels] I want to hear it from *Jerry*...    [Back at Jerry's apartment, Sharon and Jerry are, well, "making out on the couch". Apparently, she's all turned around on the subject.]   SHARON: Oh, can you ever forgive me?   JERRY: I dunno... [they kiss again] *Alright*, I forgive you...   SHARON: Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately.   JERRY: I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane.   (George Enters)   GEORGE: Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?!   JERRY: What!?   GEORGE: You're with a *woman*!   JERRY: I know! What are you doin' here?!?   GEORGE: I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I trusted you!   JERRY: [forcibly removing G. from the apt] Would you get the Hell out of here!   SHARON: What's going on?   ALLISON: Yeah, what's going on?   GEORGE: Alright, tell her. Go ahead.   JERRY: Tell her what?   GEORGE: Y'know. About *us*.   (George has emphasized his point by reaching up and putting his hand in J's hair. Jerry flips out at this point. His arms are flailing about and he's well, gone loopy. George embraces Jerry to keep it going, but Jerry's not buying any of it. Sharon leaves, much to Jerry's chagrin. Allison asks (again) for an explanation.)   GEORGE: Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked, I'm a porno actor.   ALLISON: *Really*?   (Allison takes George's arm (not quite the reaction he wanted, I'm sure). Kramer walks by the open door to go to his apartment. He is escorted by what appears to be a virile young man. Kramer addresses G+J (and Allison) before he goes into his apartment.)   KRAMER: We'll see you later...   (George & Jerry look disbelievingly at each other, obviously at a loss for words over Kramer's new, interest. Kramer notices this and)   KRAMER: He's the *phone* man!   (George + Jerry see the light and are visibly relieved)   KRAMER: Not that there's anything wrong with that...    [Closing Monologue]   I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. Sometimes when someone is thin, single and neat people assume they are gay because that is a stereotype. They normally don't think of gay people as fat, sloppy and married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype. I'm sure they are the minority though within the gay community. They're probably discriminated against because of that, people say to them "Y'know Joe, I enjoy being gay with you but I think think it's about time, y'know that you got in shape, tucked the shirt in and lost the wife". But if people are even going to assume that people that are neat are gay, maybe instead of doin' this: "Y'know I think Joe might be a little... [waves hand back and forth]", they should vacuum: "Y'know I think Joe might be >vroom< [makes vacuuming motion]. Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little >vrooom<..."    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 67 - The Glasses  pc: 502, season 5, episode 3  Broadcast date: September 30, 1993   Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross  Directed by Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Timothy Stack ..................... Dwayne  Anna Gunn ......................... Amy  Tom Towles ........................ Tough Guy  Rance Howard ................... Blind Man  Michael Saad ....................... Doctor  Kim Gillingham ................... Assistant  rc: Len Lesser ..................... Uncle Leo   ==================================================================     [Opening Monologue]   I never get enough sleep. I stay up late at night, cause I'm Night Guy. Night Guy wants to stay up late. 'What about getting up after five hours sleep?', oh that's Morning Guy's problem. That's not my problem, I'm Night Guy. I stay up as late as I want. So you get up in the morning, you're alarm, you're exhausted, groggy, oooh you hate that Night Guy! See, Night Guy always screws Morning Guy. There's nothing Morning Guy can do. The only thing Morning Guy can do is try and oversleep often enough so that Day Guy looses his job and Night Guy has no money to go out anymore.     [Jerry's apartment]   (Elaine and Jerry hang out the window)   ELAINE: Do you ever spit on anybody from here?   JERRY: No. You?   ELAINE: No. Do you ever think about it?   JERRY: Yeah.   ELAINE: Me too.   (Kramer enters the apartment)   KRAMER: Hey.   JERRY: Hey.   KRAMER: Well I got it!   JERRY: You got me the air conditioner?   KRAMER: What do you think?   JERRY: Beautiful!   ELAINE: What air conditioner?   KRAMER: Well my buddy works in an appliance store and he got us thirty percent off.   JERRY: Is it a good one?   KRAMER: Good one? It's the Commando 8.   JERRY: Commando 8?   KRAMER: 12,000 BTU's.   ELAINE: I thought you hated air conditioning. You've never had an air conditioner.   KRAMER: Yeah, but Amy likes air conditioning.   ELAINE: Oooh, you're getting an air conditioner for Amy. (In a wining voice:) Amy doesn't like the temperature up here. She's a little hoooot.   JERRY: All right.   KRAMER: Okay, so, I'm gonna measure the window up, okay buddy?   JERRY: Yeah.   KRAMER: Yeah. (George enters the apartment wearing goggles) Yeah, rock on!   (Kramer leaves the apartment)   GEORGE: I gotta get out of this city.   JERRY: So you're tunneling to the center of the Earth? (Elaine laughs silently)   GEORGE: I'm at the health club and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?   ELAINE: You don't have an old pair?   GEORGE: I broke 'em playing basketball.   JERRY: He was running from a bee. (Elaine laughs)   GEORGE: Now if I wanna see anything I gotta wear these.   ELAINE: George, those are prescription goggles? What is there to see in a health club pool?   JERRY: There's a lot of change down there.   GEORGE: When I find that guy, this much I vow: those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner.   JERRY: We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed!   (Kramer enters the apartment)   GEORGE: What kind of a sick, demented person wants another person's glasses?   ELAINE: Yeah, especially those frames.   KRAMER: You know what you ought to do? Go see my friend Dwayne at J & T Optical on Columbus Avenue. He'll give you thirty percent off.   GEORGE: Yeah, come on.   JERRY: Hey, he just got me thirty percent off on an air conditioner.   GEORGE: Really?   KRAMER: Retail is for suckers.   GEORGE: Wow. Uh, what do I have to do?   KRAMER: You just gotta mention my name.   GEORGE: That's it?   KRAMER: That's it. (smacks George on the forehead with a ruler)     [J & T Optical]   (George tries on a pair of glasses)   GEORGE: What about these?   ELAINE: They look good. I liked the other one too. I've liked about five of them.   GEORGE: Well, it's a tough decision. I have to wear these every day. I'm deciding on a new face.   JERRY: (bored) Come on, George. Pick a face and go with it.   (George tries on some black glasses whose frames are OVERLY large)   ELAINE: Now those look good, they're very bold.   (Elaine begs George behind his back to pick a frame)   GEORGE: Yes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you think?   JERRY: (While looking at posters of women wearing glasses) I think these women would be pretty good looking if they weren't wearing glasses.   (A man with a dog enters the store)   ELAINE: Hi there, little doggy. (to owner:) Do you mind if I pet your dog?   DOG OWNER: It's okay with me.   ELAINE: Hey little doggy. (Elaine pets the dog and he bites her) Aaah!   DWAYNE: Hey, you can't have that dog in here.   (The man leaves the store taking his dog with him)   JERRY: Are you okay? Did he bite ya?   GEORGE: Can you believe that guy?   ELAINE: I'm okay, it's just a nip.   GEORGE: He just walked away! And once again I'm standing here like a little man. Well not this time! (George leaves the store and follows the dog owner) You! Dog man!   (George, without his glasses, squints and it looks like he sees something interesting. He enters the store again)   ELAINE: My leg looks pretty bad.   JERRY: Oh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency room.   ELAINE: Okay.   JERRY: (To George:) Hey, any luck? Did you catch 'em?   GEORGE: Uuh, no, no.   JERRY: All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over to the hospital.   GEORGE: (In a really strange way) Good, good, do that.   JERRY: What's the matter?   GEORGE: Oh, no, nothing.   JERRY: What is it?   GEORGE: I can't tell you.   ELAINE: (pulling on Jerry's pants from the ground) Jerry, can we go?   JERRY: Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second. (And to George:) What do you mean you can't tell me?   GEORGE: I can't tell you, don't ask.   JERRY: I'm asking!   ELAINE: Jerry, my leg.   JERRY: Yeah, yeah, take care of it. (Jerry throws her some toilet paper) Come on, George, what is it?   GEORGE: I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey.   JERRY: What?   GEORGE: They were right outside!   JERRY: Amy and Jeffrey?   GEORGE: Yes!   JERRY: Are you sure?   GEORGE: Yes, positive.   JERRY: But you can't see, there's no lenses in those frames.   GEORGE: I know! I was squinting.   ELAINE: Okay, listen, Jerry, you just catch up with me okay? You can just follow the trail of blood.   JERRY: We're gonna have to talk about this later. (Elaine holds the door open for Jerry while holding her leg) Thank you. Taxi!   (Jerry and Elaine leave the store; George tries on another pair of glasses)   GEORGE: (To the store owner:) Excuse me, what do you think of these?   DWAYNE: Oh, we just got those in. It's a very exciting new frame.   GEORGE: Yes, it is exciting! All right, this is gonna be my new face.   DWAYNE: All right, do you have a prescription?   GEORGE: Yeah. (George hands over the prescription) Kramer...   DWAYNE: What?   GEORGE: Kramer...   DWAYNE: What about him?   GEORGE: You do know Kramer?   DWAYNE: Yes...   GEORGE: Well, I'm mentioning his name.   DWAYNE: Why?   GEORGE: Because... you know...   DWAYNE: No, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need a deposit on these.     [Hospital]   (Elaine and Jerry are at the hospital; Elaine's wound is being fixed up by a foreign doctor)   ELAINE: Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not possible!   JERRY: Why not? They could have met. She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department.   ELAINE: Jerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George didn't even have his glasses on!   JERRY: But he was squinting.   ELAINE: So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference.   JERRY: Are you kidding? I've seen 'em squint. He can squint his way down to like twenty, thirty vision. Once we were driving down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses. He squinted his way from Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on the road!   DOCTER: Okay.   ELAINE: Okay? That's it? I don't need a shot?   DOCTER: Not shot, dog bite.   ELAINE: No, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?   DOCTER: Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang.   (the doctor exits the hospital room; Jerry and Elaine are shocked)     [Jerry's apartment]   (Jerry and Amy watch television)   JERRY: Nah, look at this. Cable's out.   AMY: Oh that's okay, we don't have to watch tv.   JERRY: No, no, no. No trouble at all, it's a principal the thing. (Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number) I like them to know that I know what's going on. That they're not... getting away with anything. Oh, I'm on hold. So, what did you do yesterday?   AMY: Yesterday?   JERRY: Yeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful day... good day to be... out.   AMY: I didn't do anything.   JERRY: (laughing) Oh you must have done something.   AMY: No, nothing really.   JERRY: Didn't go out of the house? Didn't take a walk... on Columbus Avenue?   AMY: Well, I did go out for a little while.   JERRY: Well, your day's getting more interesting already. (Jerry shows the phone) Ah, see, told me they'd be back in a minute and THEY lied.   AMY: You can't thrust anyone.   JERRY: No you can't. (hangs up the phone) Now let's cut the ball, sister! You think I don't know about you swapping spit with somebody yesterday on Columbus Avenue?   AMY: What are you talking about?   JERRY: Look, my friend saw you.   AMY: Saw me? With who?   JERRY: You tell me.   AMY: There's nothing to tell.   JERRY: There isn't?   AMY: No.   JERRY: Oh... all right... wanna get some pizza?   (Amy stands up and walks away)   AMY: I had a feeling this was to good to be true.   JERRY: Why?   AMY: I knew there had to be another side to you.   JERRY: No, no, there's no side!   AMY: There is a side, an ugly side.   JERRY: No, no, no ugly side.   AMY: Look, I think I'm gonna go.   JERRY: Why?   AMY: It's really hot in here.   JERRY: Uuh, so we can still go out on Friday though?   AMY: Yeah. When you getting an air conditioner?   JERRY: It's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000 BTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker in here.     [Jerry's apartment]   JERRY: I was an idiot for listening to you!   GEORGE: Hey, I saw what I saw.   JERRY: Ooh, everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side.   GEORGE: What side?   JERRY: A bad side, an ugly side.   GEORGE: Ooh, so what?   JERRY: So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you make me throw off the whole learning curve.   GEORGE: Why don't you just ask Jeffrey?   JERRY: Ah, he'd just deny it.   GEORGE: There must be some way to find out.   JERRY: Amy said nothing happened.   GEORGE: What, you're gonna take her word over mine? I'm your best friend!   JERRY: Yeah, but you're blind as a bat!   GEORGE: I was squinting! Remember that drive from Wortsborough? (snapping his fingers) I was spotting those raccoons.   JERRY: They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you.   GEORGE: (noticing something) Hey look, a dime.   (George walks over to the other end of the room and picks up a dime)   GEORGE: Heh, Mercury head. You mind?   JERRY: (Stunned:) No, keep it. (Elaine enters the apartment) Hey what happened to you? You buzzed five minutes ago.   ELAINE: There was a dog in front of the building and it spooked me. I couldn't come in until he left.   JERRY: A little white dog?   ELAINE: Yeah.   JERRY: Snowball? You were afraid of Snowball?   ELAINE: I'm afraid of dogs now.   JERRY: He's like a squirrel.   ELAINE: Well he frightened me.   GEORGE: Did you get the shot?   ELAINE: No. He said I didn't need a shot.   GEORGE: You got bit by a strange dog and you didn't get a rabies shot?   ELAINE: What, you think I should have?   (George indicates 'yes')   JERRY: You know, you should just go back to the optical store and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog.   ELAINE: All right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna do that.   (Kramer enters the apartment)   KRAMER: The AC is on it's way.   GEORGE: Pardon me, I went to see your friend Dwayne... there was no discount.   KRAMER: What?   GEORGE: That's right, no discount!   KRAMER: Well did you mention my name?   GEORGE: Yes, I mentioned your name.   KRAMER: And?   GEORGE: Pbbbs, Bubkis!   KRAMER: Now I don't believe this. That guy owes me big time. I got him off sugar! Look, I'm gonna go down there with you right now.   GEORGE: All right, let me just... I'm gonna grap an apple.   JERRY: Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball!   KRAMER: Little Snowball? He runs on batteries!   (George takes a bite out of an onion)   ELAINE: You know, George, that's an onion.   GEORGE: Yes it is.   (And he takes another bite)   ELAINE: He couldn't tell an apple from an union and he's your eye witness?   GEORGE: I saw them making out, you can believe it.   JERRY: I don't know what to believe! You're eating unions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on.   KRAMER: Look, all you gotta to do, is get Amy and Jeffrey together somewhere, that's it.   JERRY: Hey wait a second, wait a second. I'm going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets. I'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta do is bring her with me. And then when Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody time.   KRAMER: Right this way, mister Doody!   GEORGE: (crying from the onion) You'll see I'm right.     [J & T Optical]   KRAMER: Hey, Dwayny.   DWAYNE: Oh hello Kramer.   KRAMER: What is going on here?   DWAYNE: What are you talking about?   KRAMER: I'm talking about the thirty percent discount.   ELAINE: Uhm excuse me... uh... a man came in here...   GEORGE: Elaine, don't interrupt, they're discounting something.   DWAYNE: Who said anything about a discount.   KRAMER: Ooh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy.   DWAYNE: For what?   (Kramer pulls out a candy bar)   KRAMER: Remember this?   DWAYNE: What are you doing?   KRAMER: Six months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two butter fingers on the train. Sounds familiar?   DWAYNE: Put that away!   KRAMER: Remember that night I found you at Dinky Donuts? You were all *hopped* up on cinnamon swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuffin' cantaloupe down your throat! So much for gratitude... yeah, yeah, yeah!   DWAYNE: All right, all right, all right! I'll give him the discount, just put that thing away! This squares us.   ELAINE: Can I just have the name...   DWAYNE: Out!   KRAMER: We'll see you Dwayne.     [Jerry's apartment]   (George shows Jerry his glasses)   JERRY: I don't know what to tell you, Elton.   ELAINE: (While reading a book:) Oh oh, listen to this, this is not good, listen to these symptoms for rabies: anxiety, irritability. I got those, I'm irritable!   JERRY: (To George:) Who picked these out?   GEORGE: I did!   JERRY: They're ladies' glasses! You know all you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear 'em while you're playing Canasta.   GEORGE: Well Elaine was supposed to help me.   (Elaine runs over to George and starts screaming)   ELAINE: Hey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go to the hospital! I was bleeding to death! I can't solve every little problem you have!   JERRY: Hey, hey.   ELAINE: I'm sorry... sorry.   (Kramer enters the apartment with the air conditioner in his arms)   KRAMER: Commando 8 has arrived!   JERRY: Take it to the window.   KRAMER: 12.000 BTU's of raw cooling power. (Kramer places the air conditioner in the window) Installed!   GEORGE: That's it? You don't have to screw it in or anything?   KRAMER: No, just plug it in and the Commando 8 does the rest. (And to Jerry:) I'll seal that up later, right?   JERRY: Just in time for Amy.   GEORGE: Oh yeah, when are you gonna execute that plan?   ELAINE: I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom!   KRAMER: Of what?   JERRY: Rabies.   KRAMER: Oh that's fatal, you don't want that!   (Elaine runs over to Kramer and starts screaming again)   ELAINE: I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus!   JERRY: Hey, hey, what is this? What's going on here?   ELAINE: I'm sorry, Kramer, I'm sorry.   KRAMER: No, no, it's all right. I had a friend who had rabies once. (George's eating chips) May I have one of those, madam?   GEORGE: Madam? What are you calling me madam for?   KRAMER: They're ladies' glasses.   (Kramer takes George's glasses and shows him the inside)   KRAMER: Now look here, see it's right here: Gloria Vanderbilt Collection.   GEORGE: He sold me ladies' glasses!   ELAINE: I... I think I'm... I'm having trouble swallowing. I can't... I can't swallow.   KRAMER: She's got rabies, just like my friend Bob Sacamano. She's delirious. (Elaine drinks some water and drools) She's foaming at the mouth!     [Hospital]   ELAINE: Is this gonna hurt?   DOCTER: Yes, very much.   (Elaine gets the shot)     [Jerry's apartment]   ELAINE: What if Jeffrey's not home. Did you ever think of that?   JERRY: Oh he'll be home, it's Friday night. That's the big night on the Nature Channel.   ELAINE: Let me tell you this: there is no way cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks like a horse!   JERRY: He does look like a horse.   ELAINE: Yeah, he's got a real horse face. (Elaine, while looking out the window:) Here, look at this! It's the guy with the dog! (She opens the window and screams:) Hey! Hey! You down there! Remember me? I had to get shot because of your stupid dog!   DOG OWNER: Hey who are you calling stupid?   JERRY: Hey, shall we spit on him?   ELAINE: No no no no, come on, let's go downstairs.   (Kramer enters the apartment)   KRAMER: (Singing:) Oh myyyy papayaaaa. (The air conditioner wobbles) The air conditioner! (Kramer tries to keep it from falling by holding it's cord, but it snaps) I think it got the dog!     [New York Health Club's locker room]   (George is drying himself)   GEORGE: Ah, Oh boy.   BLIND MAN: Excuse me, uh I'm new here, would you mind walking me back to my locker?   GEORGE: Oh uuh, sure, why not. (the blind man hangs on to George's arm) Hey, that's the guy.   BLIND MAN: What guy?   GEORGE: The guy that stole my glasses. This time I got 'em! (George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man with him) Would you pick it up a little?   BLIND MAN: Where the hell are we going?   GEORGE: He's getting on a bus, damn! (To the blind man:) Those are nice glasses.   BLIND MAN: I don't like 'em, they pinch my nose.   GEORGE: Is that right?     [J & T Optical]   (George has taken the blind man with him)   GEORGE: Dwayne, my friend and I would like to exchange frames. Could you put his lenses in my frames and mine in his?   DWAYNE: (While eating a candy bar:) Yeah, we can do that.   GEORGE: And I'd like a discount.   DWAYNE: Why should I give you a discount.   GEORGE: Listen, you're lucking I'm not asking for a whole refund. (trying to speak quietly) You gave me ladies' frames!   BLIND MAN: What's that about ladies' frames?   (The man with the dog enters and the dog wears a collar)   DOG OWNER: I'm trying to track down that lady that was in here the other day, the one that was messing with my dog.   GEORGE: Yeah, well, she's trying to track you down.   DOG OWNER: Well I would love to talk with her. (George chuckles) She lives on 81st Street, right?   GEORGE: No, that's Jerry.   DOG OWNER: Really? You wouldn't happen to know what apartment he's in, would you?   GEORGE: Yeah, 5A!   DOG OWNER: Thanks a lot!     [in front of Jeffrey's apartment]   AMY: So what are we doing here?   JERRY: Oh, you'll find out.   AMY: I don't know, you're acting very mysteriously.   JERRY: Well, I'm very mysterious by nature. (Jerry knocks on the door) A lot of women find that attractive.   AMY: I find it annoying.   JERRY: Oh?   (Uncle Leo opens the door)   UNCLE LEO: Helloooo!   JERRY: Uncle Leo?!   UNCLE LEO: Come on in.   JERRY: This is Amy.   UNCLE LEO: Hello Amy.   JERRY: Unlce Leo, what are you doing here?   UNCLE LEO: Jeffrey went out tonight.   JERRY: Ooh! Very convenient.   UNCLE LEO: I'm supposed to tape this nature show for him, he loves nature. Botany, zoology. You know his botany teacher from college stays in close touch with him? They became friends!   JERRY: Oh really?   UNCLE LEO: That's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends! Like equals! They have dinner together, they have discussions...   JERRY: Uncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets here for me?   UNCLE LEO: Oh yeah yeah, I'll get 'em.   JERRY: Thank you.   AMY: What tickets?   JERRY: To the Paul Simon concert in the park!   AMY: We're going to the Paul Simon concert?   JERRY: That's right, lady!   AMY: Oh what a great surprise!   JERRY: I thought you'd like that.   AMY: Oooh, so that's why you've been acting so mysteriously.   JERRY: Now you know. That, and that alone, is the reason.   UNCLE LEO: You know Jeffrey's favorite animal: the leopard.   AMY: Why is that?   UNCLE LEO: He likes the spots. Oh uh, here's the tickets.   JERRY: Thank you.   UNCLE LEO: Oh uh, he asked me to give you a message. He said that uh he's very sorry and uh he hopes you'll forgive 'em.   JERRY: (To Amy:) Aha! So it's true! You were making out with him!   AMY: What are you talking about, I don't know Jeffrey. Oh so this is why you brought me up here?   JERRY: Oh very convincing, but it's not gonna work this time.   UNCLE LEO: What are you talking about? All he meant was that he was sorry that the seats aren't very good.   JERRY: Oh... oh... wanna get some pizza?     [in front of J & T Optical]   (George is walking with the blind man)   GEORGE: Boy, these really do pinch the nose.   (George takes of his glasses)   BLIND MAN: Tough luck! A deal's a deal.   (George looks and see what he thinks is Amy and Jeffrey without his glasses)   GEORGE: Oh my God it is them.   (George puts on his glasses again and sees it's a policewoman kissing a horse; realizing this George's reaction says "I stand corrected")     [New York Health Club locker room]   (George and Jerry after a workout)   JERRY: I still don't know how you spotted that dime. I think you planted it. Plus I had to pay that vet bill for the stupid dog. I don't know how that guy got my name.   (While Jerry goes to tie his shoes George nods his head knowing it was him)   GEORGE: Yeah. Hmm. Boy these really do pinch. I tell you, if I ever find the son of a bitch that stole my glasses...   (The camera shows George's glasses on top of his locker)     [Closing Monologue]   But I wanna know, when did glasses go from being this carefully crafted medical apparatus to just this mall impulse item? 'Honey, I'm going out for a yogurt and a pair of trifocals do you need anything?' It's always glasses in about an hour. How much are they? 75 bucks. Well here's 72 and that's about 75 ok? Oh are you trying to coordinate it with the one hour photo place, is that the idea? 'Oh yea give me the glasses, my pictures are coming out right now I need to see 'em.' A then they have those Woolworth glasses you know. They're there, they're there now. No eye examine you don't have any idea what is wrong with your eyes and the glasses are made up they are ready and waiting so you can just walk in, 'thank you, bye.' And just walk right into a wall. Bang.    In Memory of Our Friend, John Oteri   The End<|endoftext|>Episode 103 - The Kiss Hello  pc: 614, season 6, episode 17  Broadcast date: February 16, 1995   Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Wendie Malick .................... Wendy  Billye Ree Wallace ............... Nana  Carol Leifer ........................ Receptionist  Julio Oscar Mechoso ........... Julio  Rondi Reed ......................... Mary  Gene Elman ........................ Buddy  Mary Scheer ....................... Joan  Louisa Abernathy .............. Nurse  Timothy McNeil .................. Jeff  Mark Fite ............................ Jack  C.D. LaBove ....................... Steve  Wendy Worthington .......... Louise  Belinda Barry ..................... Stephanie  rc: Liz Sheridan .................. Helen Seinfeld  rc: Barney Martin ............... Morty Seinfeld  rc: Len Lesser ..................... Uncle Leo   ==================================================================   [Opening Monologue]   Now, I was thinking the other day about hair, and that the weird Thing about it, is that people will touch other people's hair. You will actually kiss another human being, right on the head. But, if one of those hairs should somehow be able to get out of that skull, and go off on its own, it is now the vilest, most disgusting thing that you can encounter. The same hair. People freak out. (horrified) "There was a hair, in the egg salad!"       [Jerry's Apartment]   (George sits on the couch with a newspaper, Jerry stands.)   GEORGE: Say it's Saturday night in Spain. They go out dancing. You think they do the flamenco?   JERRY: I would think.   GEORGE: So you could call a woman for a date, ask her if she's free for Dinner and a flamenco?   JERRY: (scoffs) You don't flamenco on the first date.   GEORGE: Boy, I wish the flamenco was popular here.   JERRY: Yeah? Would you do it?   GEORGE: Yes, I think I would.   JERRY: Well, I knew you'd have an affinity for it, because it's the dance of a very proud people.   (The phone rings. Jerry answers.)   JERRY: Hello. (listens) Oh, hi Nana. (listens) What? Oh. Oh, alright, okay. Don't worry about it. (listens) Okay, I'll see you later. Alright, bye.   (He hangs up the phone.)   JERRY: I have to go over to my grandmother's.   GEORGE: What for?   JERRY: I have to open a bottle of ketchup for her.   GEORGE: So, what, no lunch?   JERRY: No, we have time.   GEORGE: Oh. How's she doing?   (George rises, and he and Jerry collect their jackets and make their way to the door.)   JERRY: Ah, she's starting to slip a little. Sometimes she has Difficulty distinguishing between the past and the present.   GEORGE: Ah. You know, there's gotta be an easier way to open ketchups. They should make it in a tube.   JERRY: Like toothpaste?   GEORGE: Ya-hah.   (Jerry and George leave.)       [Street]   (Jerry and George stroll along, continuing their conversation.)   JERRY: There's a squeeze ketchup.   GEORGE: I've seen squeeze mustard. I've never seen squeeze ketchup.   JERRY: Well, if they make squeeze mustard, doesn't it stand to reason that they make squeeze ketchup?   GEORGE: Not necessarily. Mustard lends itself to the squeeze.   JERRY: I really don't see the difference.   GEORGE: Oh, there's a difference. It's subtle.   JERRY: It's subtle.   GEORGE: Hey uh, isn't Elaine supposed to meet us?   JERRY: (looking ahead) Yeah, there she is. Uh-oh.   GEORGE: What?   (They stop walking.)   JERRY: Ah, she's with her friend Wendy.   GEORGE: Wendy? Is that the uh, physical therapist?   JERRY: Yeah. I'm on a kiss hello program with her.   GEORGE: Really?   JERRY: Yeah. Every time I see her, I gotta kiss her hello. I just did it once, on her birthday, somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread seeing her because of it.   (Jerry smiles and waves to Elaine, who is approaching with Wendy. Elaine waves back.)   ELAINE: (from a distance) Hey.   GEORGE: You know, I'm down to one kiss hello. My aunt Sylvia.   JERRY: Ah, that's fortunate. I really admire that.   GEORGE: (surprise) Huh. I never heard you say you admire me for anything.   JERRY: No, I told you I admire your hearing.   (George waves away the compliment.)   JERRY: No, don't slough that off, you have great hearing.   (Jerry and George walk and meet Elaine and Wendy. Wendy greets Jerry with a kiss on the cheek, which he's not happy about. Wendy is attractive, but has a real old-fashioned fifties-style hairdo.)   GEORGE/JERRY/ELAINE/WENDY: Hey/Hi/Hello (etc.)   ELAINE: (to Wendy) Wendy, George. (to George) Wendy.   (Wendy and George shake hands.)   GEORGE: You're uh, physical therapist, right?   WENDY: Yes.   GEORGE: You know, I got this little swelling right here. (rolls up his sleeve to expose his wrist) It's kinda painful. What d'you make of it?   (Wendy takes a brief glance at George's proffered limb. Elaine isn't happy that George is bothering Wendy.)   ELAINE: (warning) George.   WENDY: Have you tried heat and ice on it?   GEORGE: (reluctant) Oh that uh, that seems like a lotta trouble.   WENDY: Well, you could come by my office later, I could work on it for you a little.   GEORGE: (happy) Oh! Okay.   WENDY: Let me give you my card.   (Wendy fishes in her bag and hands a card to George.)   GEORGE: Oh, thank you.   WENDY: Well, I'll see you guys later. (to George) Nice meeting you. Bye Elaine.   ELAINE: Bye Wendy. I'm sorry.   WENDY: Bye Jerry.   (Wendy walks away down the street.)   JERRY: Bye.   ELAINE: (slapping George on the arm) What did you do that for?   GEORGE: What?   ELAINE: (pinching George's arm) Ask about your arm.       [Monk's]   (George, Jerry and Elaine enter.)   GEORGE: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.   ELAINE: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.   GEORGE: Why not?   (The trio sit down in a booth.)   ELAINE: Because, it is what she does.   GEORGE: I love these people, you can't ask 'em questions. (getting excited) They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. (worked up) When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!   ELAINE: George, you got a little something, right here.   (Elaine indicates underneath George's nostrils.)   GEORGE: (wiping the area with a hand) People think they're so important...   JERRY: (adamant) Well, I'm going on record right now that that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.   ELAINE: Why?   JERRY: Well, you know, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time.   GEORGE: (regarding the menu) What're you getting?   JERRY: (to Elaine) And what's with that hairdo, by the way?   ELAINE: Huh, yeah, I know. It's not very flattering.   JERRY: She looks like something out of an old high school yearbook. You should say something to her.   ELAINE: Oh, I could never say anything to her about that.   JERRY: Yeah. Kramer's the only person who could say something like that.   ELAINE: Yeah. Hah.   GEORGE: Well, just tell Kramer to tell her.   ELAINE: No. If you tell him to do it, he'll never do it.   JERRY: What you have to do is introduce him, and then he'll just come out with it.   ELAINE: (sharp intake of breath) Hoh. Yes, yes, you're right. That's right. I'll bring her over to meet...   (Kramer enters.)   ELAINE: (to Kramer) ...Kramer.   (Kramer strolls over to the table.)   KRAMER: Hello, boys and girls.   JERRY: Speak of the devil.   (Kramer sits at the table. Elaine starts to peruse her menu, as Kramer speaks to Jerry)   KRAMER: Yeah. Hey listen, I uh, I need a picture of you, buddy.   JERRY: What for?   KRAMER: Well, I'm uh, I'm putting everybody's picture up in the lobby of our building.   JERRY: Why?   KRAMER: So everyone will know everybody's name. See, people are gonna be a lot friendlier.   JERRY: (reluctant) I, I don't want my picture plastered up in the lobby.   KRAMER: Imagine walking by someone on the floor, and you say "Hey, Carl!" and he says "Hey, Jerry!" You see, that's the kind of society I wanna live in.   JERRY: (still reluctant) Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk with everyone, every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and be on my way.   KRAMER: (to Elaine) You know your eyeliner's smudged a little. Why do you wear so much eye makeup?   ELAINE: (to Jerry, indicating Kramer) Yeah. This is gonna work out just fine.       [Nana's Apartment]   (Leo is in the living room, speaking with Nana, who's in another room.)   LEO: Ma! Again with the ketchup? Don't they have 'em in the plastic squeeze containers?   (There is a knock at the door. Leo opens it, to reveal Jerry.)   LEO: (traditional greeting) Jerry! Hello!   JERRY: Hello, uncle Leo!   LEO: What're you doing here?   JERRY: Nana called me to open the ketchup bottle.   LEO: Yeah, me too.   (Nana enters with a bottle of ketchup.)   NANA: Hello Jerry.   JERRY: Hi Nana.   (There's a brief pause, as Leo waits for something.)   LEO: Aren't you gonna kiss her hello?   JERRY: Yes. (kisses Nana) Yes of course.   NANA: Ha, well, here's the bottle.   (Nana holds out the ketchup.)   LEO: (grabbing the bottle) I'll do it.   JERRY: (also grabbing) What're you doing, I got it.   (Jerry and Leo begin to struggle for possession of the ketchup.)   LEO: Give it to me.   JERRY: Will you stop it.   LEO: Jerry, will you give me the bottle?   JERRY: Uncle Leo! (releasing his grip) Alright! Take it!   NANA: You should let Buddy open it.   LEO: Buddy? He lived next door to us forty-five years ago.   (Leo hands the ketchup back to Nana.)   NANA: Leo, did you give Helen the fifty dollars?   LEO: What fifty dollars?   NANA: Your father won a thousand dollars at the track last week, and he gave you a hundred, and you were supposed to give fifty dollars to your sister.   (Nana walks away out of the room again.)   LEO: Ma, dad died in nineteen-sixty-two.   (Jerry is staring at Leo, with an expression of suspicion.)   LEO: (laughing off Nana's confusion) Believe me. I don't owe your mother fifty dollars.   (Leo continues to force out laughter, and Jerry continues his look of mistrust.)       [Lobby, Jerry's Building]   (Elaine and Jerry wait by the elevator. Jerry is speaking to the building super.)   JERRY: I'm just not getting any hot water.   JULIO: Hey, believe me, I know there's nothing worse than when your shower's not working. I'm gonna take care of it as soon as I can, Jerry.   JERRY: Thanks, Julio.   JULIO: Awright.   (Julio walks away as the elevator arrives. Jerry and Elaine step aboard.)       [Jerry's Apartment]   (Kramer is rooting through a drawer, searching for something. The door opens and Jerry and Elaine enter.)   JERRY: Huh?   KRAMER: (surprised) Hey, hey hey hey. Hello!   JERRY: What's going on here?   KRAMER: (evasive) Ohh, nothing, nothing.   JERRY: (suspicious) Well, then what're you doing?   KRAMER: Oh, I, I need a pen.   JERRY: What for?   KRAMER: Well, I'm making out my will. Oh, I got a big slice of dough for you, buddy. And you too, Elaine, I haven't forgotten you.   JERRY: (accusingly) You're looking for a picture of me, aren't you?   KRAMER: You got that straight.   JERRY: I told you, forget it.   KRAMER: Oh, come on, Jerry. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn't have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don't rob somebody, if you know their name!   JERRY: You're robbing me.   KRAMER: Well, I'm gonna get your picture, and you're gonna participate in my program.   (Kramer heads out the door, but Elaine intercepts him.)   ELAINE: Wha... W.. Are you going home?   KRAMER: Yeah.   ELAINE: Uh, could you come back in about five minutes?   KRAMER: Why?   ELAINE: No reason. (big smile) Just wanna see you again.   (Kramer smiles at this. He exits, but turns to flash the smile at Elaine as he crosses the hall to his apartment. After Kramer goes into his place, Elaine shuts the door of Jerry's apartment.)   JERRY: (removing his coat) So? Are you sure Wendy's coming?   ELAINE: Yeah, she'll be here any second.   JERRY: Well, this'll be a very interesting experiment to see if Kramer says something. You sure you wanna go through with this?   ELAINE: Listen, Jerry. She never dates, and I know it's because of her hair.   (The phone rings, and Jerry picks up. Elaine removes her coat.)   JERRY: Hello. Oh, hi mom. Yeah, I was at Nana's yesterday. I had to help her open a ketchup bottle. Hey, mom, let me ask you a question. Do you remember when you were a kid, your father winning like a thousand dollars at the track? (listens) Really? Did you know he gave uncle Leo a hundred dollars, and he was supposed to give you fifty? (listens) How do I know? Because Nana doesn't know what year it is, and she thinks this just happened. (listens) Well, I think you should. Okay, bye.       [The Seinfeld's Place, Florida]   (Morty and Helen in the kitchen. Morty has a pencil and pad and a pocket calculator out, doing some work.)   MORTY: Do you know what the interest on that fifty dollars comes to over fifty-three years?   HELEN: Oh, Morty, please.   MORTY: Six hundred and sixty-three dollars and forty-five cents. And that's figuring conservatively at five percent interest, over fifty-three years, compounded quarterly. Or, if you put it into a ten-year T-bill...   HELEN: Morty, will you stop it!   MORTY: (determined) Well, he's not getting away with this!       [Jerry's Apartment]   (Jerry by the kitchen. The buzzer sounds, and Jerry answers.)   JERRY: Yeah?   WENDY (O.C.): Wendy.   JERRY: Come on up.   (Elaine enters from the bathroom.)   ELAINE: Well, this is it. Shall I go get Kramer?   JERRY: No no, he'll come in. Well, this is gonna be my first opportunity to not kiss her hello.   ELAINE: What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's face?   JERRY: It's the obligation, you know? As soon as this person comes in, you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little better.   ELAINE: How 'bout an intercourse hello? How would that be?   JERRY: Elaine, now you're being ridiculous.   (There's a knock at the door.)   ELAINE: (indicating) That's her. That's her.   (Jerry holds up his hands, indicating he wants a few seconds to prepare. He goes to the refrigerator, and indicates Elaine should let Wendy inside. Elaine opens the door and Wendy enters.)   ELAINE/WENDY: Hi/Hey.   (Jerry has the door of the fridge open, and his head is inside the appliance.)   JERRY: (muffled) Hi Wendy.   WENDY: Oh, hi Jerry.   (Wendy wanders over to the fridge.)   JERRY: (muffled) Would you like something to drink?   WENDY: Sure.   (Jerry holds out his arm, with a bottle in his hand.)   JERRY: (muffled) There you go.   WENDY: (taking the bottle) Ah.   (Jerry starts to withdraw his head from the fridge, and Wendy is poised for the kiss hello. But, just as he turns to face her, he opens the freezer compartment and the door blocks her approach. Wendy walks away to the couch.)   JERRY: Oh, look at that. I'm almost outta Klondike bars.   (Jerry peers around the edge of the door, to see if the coast is clear. Finding that it is, he closes the various doors of the fridge.)   JERRY: So, how's everything going?   WENDY: Oh, okay. Oh, your friend George came by the office the other day, and then yesterday he cancelled on me.   JERRY: Oh, yeah, he had to take his mother to the chiropodist.   (There is a clunk in the hallway, as of Kramer's door opening.)   ELAINE: Oh, you hear that? That must be Kramer.   (Jerry's door opens and Kramer enters. He's holding a polaroid camera.)   KRAMER: Hey! Jerry!   (Jerry turns at the call of his name, and Kramer fires off a quick shot.)   JERRY: C'mon, that's not fair!   KRAMER: I told you I was gonna get it.   JERRY: No, c'mon Kramer. (crossing to Kramer) Gimme that picture.   KRAMER: (holding the picture away from Jerry) Aagh. No no no no no.   JERRY: (throws up his hands) Alright, fine. Put my picture up. What do I care?   ELAINE: Uh, Kramer. Kramer, I'd like you to meet my friend Wendy.   KRAMER: Oh, hello.   WENDY: (holds out her hand) Hi.   KRAMER: (shaking hands) Yeah.   (Kramer does looks at Wendy, and something intrigues him. He turns away, Then back again, unable to take his eyes off her hair.)   KRAMER: (points) You know, I really like that hairdo.   (Jerry and Elaine both look surprised and let-down by Kramer.)   WENDY: (flattered) Oh. Thank you. I actually was thinking it might be time for a change.   ELAINE: (hopeful) Oh, you were?   WENDY: Well, I...   KRAMER: (interrupting) Oh, no no no. You don't wanna do that. No no. Nobody wears it like that.   ELAINE: Kramer, if she wants to change her hair...   KRAMER: No, no. you'd be a damn fool to change it. It's very becoming.   WENDY: Oh, well.   (Kramer raises his camera to take a picture of Wendy and her hair.)   WENDY: (laughs, flattered) Oh, ho.   (Kramer presses the button and nothing happens. He turns the camera up, to look at the front of it and it chooses to fire at that moment, dazzling Kramer with the flash.)       [Wendy's Car]   (Wendy drives, Elaine in the passenger seat.)   WENDY: So, who's that friend of yours? That guy that came in.   ELAINE: Oh, Kramer.   WENDY: Yeah. Does he have a girlfriend?   ELAINE: You wanna go out with him?   WENDY: Well, why not?   ELAINE: Well, it's just that... uh, I don't...   WENDY: What, is there anything wrong with him?   (Elaine stares off for several seconds, with a faraway look in her eyes.)   WENDY: Elaine?   ELAINE: I'm just thinking about the question.       [ProFitness Physical Therapy Center]   (George is at the counter with his cheque book. He's moving his wrist and lower arm, clearly much more comfortable.)   GEORGE: You know, my arm feels a lot better. That Wendy really knows her stuff. (he writes out a cheque)   RECEPTIONIST: (perky) She is super. Same time tomorrow.   GEORGE: (tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time. (hands over cheque) There you go.   (George heads for the door. The receptionist looks at George's cheque and finds it's not up to scratch.)   RECEPTIONIST: Oh. Ah, you owe a hundred and fifty.   GEORGE: What for?   RECEPTIONIST: Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and our policy is "twenty-four hours notice, for all cancellations".   GEORGE: (agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come. I, I had to drive my mother to, to the chiropodist.   (Wendy enters, carrying a file. She overhears.)   WENDY: What's the problem?   GEORGE: (harassed) Are you aware that I'm being charged for Tuesday's appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist.   WENDY: Well, I'm sorry, that's our policy.   (Wendy walks out, into another room.)   GEORGE: (after Wendy and to the receptionist) Oh, you have a policy! (to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy! George heads for the door.   RECEPTIONIST: So. Will you be here tomorrow?   GEORGE: Well, it's less than twenty-four hours, so I guess I have to!   (George leaves, slamming the door behind him.)       [Lobby, Jerry's Building]   (Kramer has covered one wall of the lobby with photographs of the tenants. They're all labeled with the appropriate name in magic marker. Kramer is just completing Jerry's name underneath the Polaroid he took earlier. Jerry and Elaine enter from the street.)   KRAMER: Hey! (indicating photos) So what d'you think? You like it?   (Elaine seems generally positive, Jerry's not so enamoured, especially by his own picture.)   JERRY: Oh my god! Look at that picture, it's terrible...   (The Polaroid has caught Jerry with his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide. It's not flattering in the slightest.)   JERRY: ...You can't put that picture up.   KRAMER: Well, it's not a beauty contest. It's just a way for people to get to know one another.   (The elevator opens and a guy (Steve) steps out. He points to Kramer.)   STEVE: Hey Cosmo.   KRAMER: Hey...   (Kramer turns to the wall of pictures, searches around for the face and then points back. Steve makes his way to the door as Kramer speaks.)   KRAMER: ...Steve. (to Jerry) Ah, you see?   ELAINE: Hey Kramer, my friend Wendy wants to go out with you.   KRAMER: (interested) Well, how do you do?   (A woman (Mary) has entered from the street. She stands behind Jerry and looks through Kramer's gallery of tenants.)   MARY: Hello, (finds the right photo) Jerry.   JERRY: Oh. Hello, uh (looks for and finds the photo) Mary.   MARY: You know, I've seen you so many times and now we can finally talk to each other.   KRAMER: (keen) What was I telling you? Isn't this nice?   JERRY: (not really) Yeah.   MARY: Jerry. You know, could you help me with a package?   JERRY: Oh, sure, yeah.   MARY: Thank you.   (Mary leans across and gives Jerry a quick kiss on the cheek, then makes her way toward the door. Elaine is giggling gleefully at Jerry's discomfiture.)   JERRY: Oh, no!       [Jerry's Apartment]   (Jerry and Elaine enter. Jerry mad, and Elaine still giggling.)   JERRY: You see? That's just what I need. More kissing!   ELAINE: (laughs) Hee, hee, hee. Hee hee hee...   JERRY: What is so funny?   ELAINE: Nothing, nothing. (laughs out loud)   (The phone rings and Jerry picks up.)   JERRY: Hello. Oh, hi mom. (listens) What? Oh my... He didn't?! He couldn't! (listens) Alright, I will. (listens) Okay, bye.   (Jerry hangs up the phone, and turns to Elaine.)   JERRY: (aghast) Uncle Leo put Nana in a home!   ELAINE: Why?   JERRY: (suspicious) I don't know. Maybe to keep her quiet.       [Lobby, Jerry's Building]   (Jerry is collecting his mail from his mailbox. A woman (Joan) enters and immediately goes for the kiss hello. She's friendly and overfamiliar.)   JOAN: Hi Jerry. (she kisses Jerry) Mmmwah.   JERRY: (not as eager) Hi Joan.   JOAN: How you doing?   (Jerry backs away toward the elevator.)   JERRY: Pretty good.   JOAN: Just pretty good? Not great?   JERRY: Okay, great.   JOAN: Are you happy?   JERRY: Oh, I'm delighted.   JOAN: Okay. Have a nice day.   JERRY: You too.   (The elevator comes down, the door opens and another woman (Louise) emerges, with a big friendly smile for Jerry.)   LOUISE: Hi Jerry.   (Louise also kisses the less than happy looking Jerry.)   JERRY: Hi, Louise.   (Louise walks on and the unhappy Jerry enters the elevator.)       [Jerry's Apartment]   (Jerry has just arrived with his mail. The door opens and Kramer darts into the room.)   KRAMER: Hey.   JERRY: Ah, well. Thank you very much!   KRAMER: For what?   JERRY: (agitated) For putting my picture up on that wall! I'm like Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages me in this long, boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building!   KRAMER: You should be thanking me for liberating you from your world of loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family.   JERRY: Family?   KRAMER: Yeah.   JERRY: You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are.   (As Jerry reaches the end of his emphatic declaration, Kramer takes Jerry's head in his hands, leans in and plants a big kiss right on Jerry's lips. Halfway through the kiss, the door opens and George half-enters. Kramer releases Jerry, who stands bug-eyed with shock. George stands silently in the doorway, he looks from Jerry to Kramer, with a thoughtful expression. Biting his lips, George slowly backs out of the door and closes it behind him.)       [ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre]   (George enters, and the receptionist spots him.)   RECEPTIONIST: Oh, hi. Mister Costanza, we were trying to get in touch with you. Wendy can't make her appointment.   GEORGE: What d'you mean?   RECEPTIONIST: She had some personal affair she had to attend to. I left a message on your machine. You didn't get it?   GEORGE: When did you leave the message?   RECEPTIONIST: Few hours ago.   GEORGE: (pointedly) Oh, I'm sorry, I require twenty-four hours notice for a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me seventy-five dollars.   RECEPTIONIST: Look, Mister Costanza...   GEORGE: Will that be cash, or cheque?   (George gives an exaggerated wink.)       [Wendy's Car]   (Wendy driving into New York at night with Elaine as passenger. Elaine is wearing much of her ski gear - woolly hat, with goggles on top of her head, and there are ski poles on the back seat.)   WENDY: I am really glad I took the day off.   ELAINE: Oh, yeah, there's nothing better than skiing.   WENDY: Yeah. I hope my clients weren't too upset.   ELAINE: Ugh, the hell with 'em.   (Wendy and Elaine share a laugh. Wendy then starts to pull the car over to the side of the road.)   ELAINE: What're you stopping here for?   WENDY: I'm dropping you off.   ELAINE: (pointing) Oh, no, I'm three more blocks.   WENDY: Yeah, but if I take you to your door, then I have to go all the way around Central Park West, back to Columbus, you know it's all one way...   ELAINE: Yeah, but it's only three blocks.   WENDY: Right. It's only three blocks.   ELAINE: (unbuckling her seatbelt) Alright, well...       [Street]   (Elaine struggles along the sidewalk at night with her ski gear in her arms. She's not finding it easy fighting with the uncomfortable bulk of skis, poles, boots, etc.. Eventually she drops the boots and, rather than pick them up, simply kicks them along in front of her.)       [Street]   (Jerry and Elaine walk together.)   ELAINE: She'd driven me a hundred and twenty miles and, all of a sudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over. Isn't that strange?   JERRY: Yes, it's very strange. Very strange.   ELAINE: I've never heard of anything like this. I mean, it's almost as if I was hitch-hiking and she says "Well, this is as far as I can take you."   JERRY: I tell you. If you were hitch-hiking, you'd never get into a car with someone with a hairdo like that.   ELAINE: I had to carry my skis, and my boots and my poles. I think I pinched a nerve in my shoulder.   JERRY: You should have her work on it for you.   ELAINE: Yeah, alright, I gotta go.       [Lobby, Jerry's Building]   (Jerry enters his building. Mary spots him from across the lobby and closes for a kiss hello.)   MAR: Hi Jerry.   JERRY: Hi Mary.   (Jerry backs away from the kiss with so much effort that he's up against the mailboxes.)   JERRY: Uh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello anymore. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal....   (Mary looks upset by Jerry's outburst.)   JERRY: ...It just makes me a little uncomfortable and I can't do it. I'm sorry.   (The door to the street opens and Louise enters, also friendly and aiming for the kiss hello.)   LOU: Hi Jerry.   JERRY: Hi Louise...   (Jerry backs sharply away from Louise as she leans in for the kiss.)   JERRY: ...I was just telling Mary how I'm not gonna be doing the kiss hello thing anymore. (continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just can't do it. It's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it and uh, I'm sorry.   (Jerry backs into the elevator.)   JERRY: (as the elevator doors close) Thank you for your cooperation.       [Jerry's Apartment/The Seinfeld's Place, Florida]   (Jerry answers the phone.)   JERRY: Hello.   HELEN (V.O): Jerry?   JERRY: Hi mom. So, what's happening with uncle Leo? Is he paying you?   (In Florida, Helen is on the phone and Morty is still working out figures with a pad and a calculator.)   HELEN: Well, he said no. He said we had no proof.   MORTY: No proof? We'll get him. He's a crook, sooner or later, he'll slip up.   HELEN: Uh, anyway, I want you to go check on Nana at the home.   JERRY: Okay, I will.   MORTY: D'you realise, an above-average performing growth mutual fund for fifty-three years...       [Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment]   (Jerry and Kramer emerge from their apartments.)   KRAMER: What's up?   JERRY: (locking his door) Oh, I gotta go visit my nana in the nursing home.   KRAMER: Oh.   (They walk together down the hall.)       [Lobby, Jerry's Building]   (The elevator doors open and Jerry and Kramer come out. Something on the wall opposite catches Jerry's eye.)   JERRY: Hey, Kramer, look at this.   (Jerry points and walks over to Kramer's gallery, Kramer following.)   JERRY: Look at my picture!   (The photograph has been crudely vandalised with a magic marker. 'Grade-A Dork' has been written on the forehead, whiskers, spots, horns and a wormlike tongue added and teeth blacked out.)   JERRY: I've been defaced!   KRAMER: Hey, don't you worry buddy. I made double prints.   (Behind Kramer a guy (Jack) has entered the building. Jack walks up behind Kramer and slaps him on the shoulder in a friendly fashion.)   JACK: Hey. Hi Cosmo.   KRAMER: Oh, hey, Jack. How you doing?   JERRY: Hi Jack.   (Jack gives Jerry an unfriendly look and walks to the elevator without replying. Julio comes out of the elevator, and Jerry walks over to ask him something.)   JERRY: Hey, Julio. I was wondering, could you get to that shower today, You think?   JULIO: Oh, I see. When you need something done, you're very friendly to people, huh?   JERRY: (defensive) No no, that's not true!   JULIO: (accusing) Well, I think it is! It's a big building, Seinfeld, maybe I'll get to it someday. After I take care of the people who're civil to each other.   (Julio stalks away. Jerry swings to give Kramer a look.)       [Knollridge Nursing Home]   (Jerry is talking with a nurse on the porch.)   NURSE: Yeah, she's upstairs, playing cards.   JERRY: You know, she really doesn't belong here. My uncle put her here, Because he's trying to prove he doesn't owe my mother fifty dollars.   NURSE: Well, she seems very happy. She met an old friend who used to live next door to her.   JERRY: Buddy?   NURSE: Yes, that's his name. He's right over there.   (The nurse indicates an elderly guy with a white moustache, wearing a cap and reading a newspaper on a bench outside.)       [ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre]   (George is talking with Wendy at the counter.)   WENDY: (smiling) I'm sorry, I don't owe you anything. I had some personal business that day.   GEORGE: (irascible) Oh, I see. So your time is more valuable than mine. Is that it? You're a delicate genius!   (Behind George, Elaine has slipped in the door.)   WENDY: A delicate genius?   (George spots Elaine.)   GEORGE: Elaine?   ELAINE: (surprised) George!   (George stalks past Elaine and exits.)   GEORGE: (leaving) Hah. Good luck.   WENDY: What's going on?   ELAINE: (feeling her arm) Wendy, I injured my shoulder, Wednesday, when you dropped me off and I had to carry my skis, and my boots, and my poles and everything, all the way home. I'm, I'm having trouble lifting my arm. Do you think you could give me some treatment?   WENDY: Oh sure. You have insurance, right?   ELAINE: (shocked) Insurance? You're charging me?   (Behind Elaine, George is standing in the open door)   GEORGE: Wednesday? That's your personal business?! (stalks over to the counter) Skiing?! (angry) So let people suffer, while you're shushing all over a mountain?   WENDY: How did you hear that?   GEORGE: I hear everything.   WENDY: I mean, why don't you two just take your business elsewhere, hmm?   ELAINE: Oh, huh huh, that is a good idea. C'mon George.   GEORGE: Yeah. Let's go.   (Elaine and George, united, head for the door. AS they get there, Elaine turns to deliver her parting shot.)   ELAINE: (pointedly) And you know, you might wanna do something about that hair.   WENDY: Why, what's wrong with my hair?   ELAINE: Huh, I think it's a little old-fashioned. Don't you? (to receptionist) Uh, tell her.   RECEPTIONIST: She's right.       [Nursing Home]   (Jerry and Buddy sit on the bench, reminiscing.)   JERRY: So you were with him that day at the track?   BUDDY: Oh yeah. He won a thousand dollars. His son was there too.   JERRY: Leo?   BUDDY: Yeah, that's it. Leo. Ooh, what an obnoxious little kid. He used to steal my soda bottles. and cash 'em in for the deposits, uh?   JERRY: Is that so?   BUDDY: And, after your grandfather hit the daily double, he gave him a hundred dollars, and told him to give fifty to his sister. His sister? Why I tell you he shoulda give it to me for all the bottles he took!   JERRY: Well, that's very interesting.   (Just then, Uncle Leo strolls up the path to the nursing home. Jerry spots his arrival.)   JERRY: (standing) Uncle Leo! I just met an old acquaintance of yours. (indicates Buddy) You remember Buddy. He just told me quite a story about you and Grandpa at the track.   (Leo's caught out, and looks worried.)   LEO: (defensive) One second...   JERRY: (with a triumphant point) You're busted!       [Lobby, Jerry's Building]   (Jerry enters from the street. Steve is in the lobby, collecting his mail. Jerry decides to be friendly.)   JERRY: Hey, Steve. How you doing?   (Steve turns to Jerry, gives him a disdainful look, and turns away again. Another guy (Jeff) approaches from within the building. Jerry tries the friendly approach again.)   JERRY: Hey, Jeff. What's happening?   (Jeff completely blanks Jerry and goes to get his mail. Jerry spots Mary over by Kramer's gallery wall, and walks across to her.)   JERRY: Mary! Oh, Mary! Give us a kiss.   (Mary moves to avoid Jerry.)   JERRY: Don't be like that, Mary. C'mon, I made a mistake!   MARY: (contemptuous) Look, why don't you do everybody a favour, and just get out of this building? (angry) Nobody wants you here. Nobody!   (Jerry looks downcast. Mary walks over to the mailboxes, where she greets Jeff and Steve.)   JEFF: Hi Mary.   MARY: Hi Jeff. How are you?   (Mary and Jeff kiss hello.)   MARY: Hi Pete. How you doing?   (Mary and Pete kiss hello.)   PETE: Hey, let's go get some coffee.   JEFF: Great idea.   MARY: Oh, that'd be great.   (The three of them exit together chatting happily, watched by a rueful Jerry. Jerry looks at his photo on the wall and adjusts it so it's straight. Then Jerry notices the elevator is about to go up, so he asks a favour of the occupant as he crosses the lobby.)   JERRY: Oh, Paul, could you hold that door...   (But Paul makes no move to hold the door, which shuts in Jerry's face.)       [Hall Outside Kramer's Apartment]   (Jerry, wearing a bathrobe and with a towel round his neck, knocks at Kramer's door. Kramer takes a quick peek through the peephole, then opens the door.)   KRAMER: Hi.   JERRY: Hey. Could I use your shower?   KRAMER: What, again? You took one this morning.   JERRY: (pleading) I got a date. C'mon, please.   KRAMER: I know but I... (waves toward the interior of his apartment) Little problem.   KRAMER: (leaning to look round Kramer) Wendy here?   KRAMER: No no no. She changed her hairstyle, (pulls a face) it's terrible. No, we're done.   (A happy looking guy pushes his way past Kramer and out of the apartment.)   GUY: I'll go get some more beer.   KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah, great. (calling after the guy) And get some of those blue corn chips.   (An attractive redheaded woman comes along the hallway. Kramer greets her approach.)   KRAMER: Hey.   STEFANIE: Hi Cosmo.   KRAMER: Hi.   STEFANIE: (kisses Kramer hello) Mmmwah.   KRAMER: Ooh, I like that.   JERRY: (impressed) Who's that?   KRAMER: Stefanie. 2-G.   JERRY: Oh man. Looks like you got quite a few people here.   (Jerry tries to see around Kramer into his apartment.)   KRAMER: Yeah yeah. Well uh, you know, I'd invite you in, but uhm... you know.   JERRY: (rueful acceptance) Oh, yeah, I understand.   (Kramer closes the door, and Jerry can be seen peering through the narrowing gap until it shuts.)    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 179 - The Finale (1)  pc: 923 season 9, episode 23  Broadcast date: May 14, 1998   Written by Larry David  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Peter Blood .......................... Jay Crespi  David Byrd .......................... Pharmacist  Steve Carlson ....................... Captain Maddox  David Dunard ...................... Guard  Donna Evans ........................ Woman  Geoffrey C. Ewing ............... Bailiff  Warren Frost ........................ Mr. (Henry) Ross  Keith Hernandez .................. Himself  Scott Jaeck ............................ Officer Vogel  Wendle Josepher .................. Susie  Robert Katims ...................... Mr. Deensfrei  Scott Klace ........................... Guard  Bruce Mahler ....................... Rabbi Glickman  Ed O'Ross ............................ Det. Blake  Kevin Page ........................... Stu Chermak  James Pickens Jr. .................. Det. Hudson  John Pinette ......................... Howie  Victor Raider-Wexler ........... Dr. Wexler  James Rebhorn .................... D.A. Hoyt  Peter Riegert ....................... Kimbrough  Geraldo Rivera .................... Himself  McNally Sagal ...................... Carol  Gay Thomas ........................ O'Neal  Myra Turley ........................ Foreman  Jane Wells ............................ Herself  Grace Zabriskie ................... Mrs. Ross  Van Epperson ...................... Passerby  Jeff Johnson ......................... Criminal  Sean Moran ......................... Man  Dianne Turley Travis ........... Receptionist  Jim Zulevic ........................... Bernie  rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman  rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... Frank Costanza  rc: Estelle Harris .................. Estelle Costanza  rc: Liz Sheridan .................... Helen Seinfeld  rc: Barney Martin ................. Morty Seinfeld  rc:  Steve Hytner ................. Kenny Bania  rc: Len Lesser ...................... Uncle Leo  rc: Phil Morris ....................... Jackie Chiles  rc: John O'Hurley ................. J. Peterman  rc:  Patrick Warburton ......... David Puddy  rc: Danny Woodburn .......... Mickey Abbott   ==================================================================   Episode 180 - The Finale (2)  pc: 924 season 9, episode 24  Broadcast date: May 14, 1998   Written by Larry David  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Stanley Anderson ................ Judge Vandelay  Frances Bay ......................... Mrs. Choate  Peter Blood .......................... Jay Crespi  David Byrd .......................... Pharmacist  Tony Carlin .......................... Co-Worker  Maggie Egan ........................ Ticket Clerk  Steve Carlson ....................... Captain Maddox  Melanie Chartoff .................. Robin  Brian Doyle-Murray ............. Mel Sanger  David Dunard ...................... Guard  Geoffrey C. Ewing ............... Bailiff  Warren Frost ....................... Mr. (Henry) Ross  Brian George ....................... Babu Bhatt  Philip Baker Hall .................. Mr. Bookman  Teri Hatcher ........................ Sidra  John Hayman ...................... Bubble Boy  Keith Hernandez ................. Himself  Carlos Jacott ........................ Pool Guy  Scott Jaeck ........................... Officer Vogel  Wendle Josepher ................. Susie  Robert Katims ...................... Mr. Deensfrei  Scott Klace ........................... Guard  Jane Leeves ......................... Marla  Bruce Mahler ....................... Rabbi Glickman  Wendel Meldrum ................. Low-Talker  Sheree North ....................... Babs  Ed O'Ross ............................ Det. Blake  Kevin Page ........................... Stu Chermak  James Pickens Jr. .................. Det. Hudson  John Pinette ......................... Howie  Victor Raider-Wexler ........... Dr. Wexler  James Rebhorn ..................... D.A. Hoyt  Geraldo Rivera ..................... Himself  McNally Sagal ....................... Carol  Miguel Sandoval ................... Marcelino  Reni Santoni .......................... Poppie  Gay Thomas ......................... O'Neal  Larry Thomas ....................... Soup Nazi  Myra Turley ......................... Foreman  Jane Wells ............................. Herself  Grace Zabriskie .................... Mrs. Ross  Van Epperson ...................... Passerby  Dianne Turley Travis ........... Receptionist  Jim Zulevic ........................... Bernie  rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman  rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... Frank Costanza  rc: Estelle Harris .................. Estelle Costanza  rc: Liz Sheridan ................... Helen Seinfeld  rc: Barney Martin ................ Morty Seinfeld  rc: Ian Abercrombie ............. Mr. Pitt  rc: Richard Fancy ................. Lippman  rc: Richard Herd .................. Wilhelm  rc:  Steve Hytner ................. Kenny Bania  rc: Len Lesser ...................... Uncle Leo  rc: Phil Morris ....................... Jackie Chiles  rc: John O'Hurley ................. J. Peterman  rc:  Patrick Warburton ......... David Puddy  rc: Danny Woodburn ......... Mickey Abbott   =================================================================   [Opening Monologue]   It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting, the whole thing is about the sitting down. I would really like to sit down with you. I think we need to sit down and talk. Why don'tyou come in, and we'll sit down. Well, sometimes the sitting down doesn't work. People get mad at the sitting.You know, we've been sitting here for I don't know how long. How much longer are we just going to sit here? I'll tell you what I think we should do. I think we should all sleep on it. Maybe we're not getting down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work.     [Jerry and George at Monks]   GEORGE: I can't eat this without catsup. Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing? "How's everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for you?"   JERRY: I know what you mean.   GEORGE: Do ya?   JERRY: It's like going out with someone and you never hear from them again.   GEORGE: Same thing!   JERRY: Not really, but it's something. Ask the people behind you.   GEORGE: Excuse me. Are you using your catsup?   WOMAN: What do you think? You want to give him the catsup?   MAN: It's up to you.   WOMAN: You know what? I don't think so. I'm going to need it from time to time.   JERRY: So what are you doing later? You want to go to the movies?   GEORGE: Nah - what for?   JERRY: To see a movie.   GEORGE: I've been to the movies.   JERRY: Not this movie.   GEORGE: They're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick of it.   JERRY: Did you shower today?   GEORGE: Yeah.   JERRY: That's usually the kind of mood I'm in when I haven't showered.   GEORGE: When is it going to be my turn, Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes? I want my 15 minutes!   JERRY: Oh, quit complaining. At least you have your health.   GEORGE: Ah! Health's not good enough. I want more than health. Health's not doing it for me anymore. I'm sick of health.   WOMAN: All right, we're done. You can have it now.   GEORGE: Oh, very gracious.     [Jerry and George are walking down the sidewalk. Kramer and Elaine drive up.]   MAN: Nice day   GEORGE: Yeah.   JERRY: What is that?   KRAMER: Hey! JoJo!   JERRY: Ey, ey!   ELAINE: All right, thanks for the ride, Kramer.   KRAMER: No, thank you. So what are you doing?   JERRY: Nothing.   KRAMER: Come on, let's go to the beach.   GEORGE: What are you crazy?   KRAMER: What? It's a beautiful day.   JERRY: Have a good time.   KRAMER: Yeah, there's something in the air today. You feel it? There's something in the air.   JERRY: You know you're turning into Burt Lancaster?   KRAMER: Yeah, there's something in the air.   (Kramer drives off)   ELAINE: Oh, I forgot to call Jill. Jill. Hi, it's Elaine. How is your father? Is everything okay? What? I can't hear you so good. There's a lot of static. Wha? I'm going to call you back.   JERRY: Jill's father is in the hospital and you call to ask about him on a cell phone?   ELAINE: What? No good?   JERRY: Faux pas.   ELAINE: Faux pas?   GEORGE: Big hefty stinking faux pas.   ELAINE: Why?   JERRY: You can't make a health inquiry on a cell phone. It's like saying "I don't want to take up any of my important time in my home so I'll just get it out of the way on the street."   GEORGE: On-the-street cell-phone call is the lowest phone call you can make.   JERRY: It's an act of total disregard. It's selfish.   GEORGE: It's dismissive.   JERRY: It's pompous.   GEORGE: Why don't you think before you do something?   ELAINE: Here's a thought - Bye bye.   (Elaine leaves)   GEORGE: Too much?     [Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment]   GEORGE: Boy - I'm really surprised at Elaine - that whole phone business - she should know better than that.   JERRY: Hey - hey - hey!   GEORGE: What?   JERRY: Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend.   GEORGE: You're so uptight.   JERRY: Uptight? Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party.     [Jerry listens to his answering machine]   PHONE TAPE: Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling from James Kimbrough's office at NBC. Could you please give us a call?Thanks.   JERRY: Hello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld calling for James Kimbrough. Hello? Hi? Uh huh, really, uh, no problem, definitely, ok, buhbye. That was James Kimbrough.   GEORGE: Who's he?   JERRY: He is the new president of NBC. He wants to sit down with us and talk about "Jerry."   GEORGE: Our show, "Jerry"?   JERRY: Right.   GEORGE: "Jerry", oh my God. He wants to talk about "Jerry"?   JERRY: Yeah!   GEORGE: When?   JERRY: Today, like right now.   GEORGE: Right now? "Jerry"?   JERRY: "Jerry"!   GEORGE: He wants to talk about "Jerry"?   JERRY: He wants to talk about "Jerry"!   GEORGE: "Jerry"!   JERRY: "Jerry"!   GEORGE: Can I go like this?   JERRY: Sure!   GEORGE: No sports jacket? I don't need a sports jacket? Writers wear sports jackets.   JERRY: Forget the sports jacket.   GEORGE: I won't feel like a writer.   JERRY: You're not a writer.   GEORGE: Right!     [Jerry and George are sitting in a waiting room at NBC]   GEORGE: Water. Need some water! Water here!   JERRY: Ok, now listen, I don't want any scenes in here like the last time.   GEORGE: Don't worry, don't worry, no scenes.   JERRY: Don't blow this.   GEORGE: I will not blow this.   JERRY: If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts.   GEORGE: It's fine, it doesn't have to be about nothing.   JERRY: He might not want nothing.   GEORGE: Something, nothing, I could care less.   JERRY: He might want a show about anything and everything.   GEORGE: Anything, everything, something, nothing - Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm down!   JERRY: All right.   RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Kimbrough is ready to see you   GEORGE: Magic time.   JERRY: What?   GEORGE: nothing    [Jerry and George are escorted into Mr. Kimbrough's office]   RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Kimbrough.   STU: Hey, Jerry, good to see you.   GEORGE: Hey, hey, hey!   STU: How you been?   JERRY: Good, good. You remember George.   STU: George, good to see you.   GEORGE: Hello Stu.   STU: You remember Jay Crespi.   GEORGE: Jay Crespi, how am I gonna forget Jay Crespi?   STU: This is James Kimbrough.   KIMBROUGH: Nice to meet you, pleasure, thanks for coming in.   GEORGE: Kimbrough.   JERRY: Don't spell.   GEORGE: K-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H   KIMBROUGH: That's right.   GEORGE: It's a talent I have.   KIMBROUGH: Why don't we sit down, glad you're here.   GEORGE: Woo! Some day out there - You ever see weather like that? Woo! It's crisp - it's crispy crisp.   JERRY: Shut up, George.   KIMBROUGH: Can I get you anything?   GEORGE: What do we have in the fruit department?   JERRY: Oy.   STU: Pineapple.   GEORGE: Oh, that's a dangerous fruit. It's like a weapon that thing, got spikes on the end. You can get killed from one of those things.   KIMBROUGH: Anyway, let me tell you why I called. When I took over here last month, I reviewed what was in development,and it was pretty much same old, same old.   GEORGE: Been there, done that.   KIMBROUGH: Right. I was looking for something different. Something that would have people talking at the water coolers.   GEORGE: Water coolers?   CRESPI: We call it a water-cooler show.   JERRY: Because the next day in the offices, people gather around the water coolers to talk about it, right?   GEORGE: See, I think people would talk about it at the coffee machines.   JERRY: Well it's probably just easier to say "water cooler show" than "coffee machine show."   GEORGE: It's really not accurate. Nobody drinks from a water cooler any more - they use bottles.   JERRY: But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point.   KIMBROUGH: Anyway, Stu here started telling me about a show, "Jerry", that he developed five years ago.   STU: I have always loved it.   KIMBROUGH: He said it was a show about nothing. So, I saw the pilot and I've got to tell you - I flipped out.   CRESPI: He totally flipped out.   KIMBROUGH: What I want to do is put it on the air. 13-episode commitment. Start it off on Wednesday night, build up an audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy.   JERRY: He's a little off the wall.   CRESPI: Oh yeah.   STU: Kramer.   KIMBROUGH: And Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing something happening between you two.   JERRY: Definitely.   GEORGE: I tell you, I really don't think so-called relationship humor is what this show is all about.   KIMBROUGH: Or we could not do the show altogether, how about that?   GEORGE: Or we could get them together. Woo!     [George and Jerry attempt a hug outside Mr. Kimbrough's office]   GEORGE: Yeah!   JERRY: Yeah!     [Elaine is at home using the phone when Jerry calls to tell her the news]   ELAINE: Jill, hi, it's Elaine. Well, I'm calling from my home. Indoors. Well, I was just calling to see how your fa.. I'm sorry, I'm getting another call. Hang on just a second. Hello?   JERRY: Hi. Elaine, it's me.   ELAINE: Jerry, I'm on the other line.   JERRY: No no - this is an emergency - get off the phone.   ELAINE: I'm sorry, Jill. I'm going to have to take this call. Jerry, what's the emergency?   JERRY: The "Jerry"'s back on - the TV show! George and I are moving to California!   ELAINE: That's the emergency?   JERRY: Did you hear what I said?   ELAINE: I was on the other line talking to Jill.   JERRY: Jill? Well, why didn't you say so?   ELAINE: You said it was an emergency.   JERRY: So now she's lost a phone face-off? That's even worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk.     [Jerry is telling his parents the good news about Jerry]   HELEN: Congratulations, they're doing the show.   MORTY: They should have put that show on 5 years ago. Bunch of idiots at that network. Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's all crap on TV. The only thing I watch is Xena the Warrior Princess. She must be about six-six.   HELEN: She's not six-six.   MORTY: Jerry, you ever watch that?   JERRY: Yeah, it's pretty good.     [George is telling his parents the news.]   ESTELLE: They picked up the show?   GEORGE: I'm moving to California.   FRANK: Oh baby-doll, this kid's going places, I told you.   ESTELLE: The NBC guy liked it?   GEORGE: Of course he liked it.   ESTELLE: He told you he liked it?   GEORGE: He wouldn't put it on if he didn't like it.   ESTELLE: Well, what are you doing?   GEORGE: I'm writing.   ESTELLE: You know how to write?   FRANK: Without the writing, you have nothing. You're the ones that make them look good.   ESTELLE: Since when do you know how to write? I never saw you write anything.   GEORGE: Ma?!   ESTELLE: I don't know how you're going to write all those shows. And where are you get all the ideas?   FRANK: Would you leave him alone? You'll shatter his confidence!   GEORGE: I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing.   ESTELLE: Nothing. Please. I'll tell you the truth - the whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me.     [Jerry's Apartment]   (Jerry is on the phone with his agent, Kramer walks in.)   JERRY: NBC is letting me use their private jet? And I can go anywhere I want? That's fantastic! Thanks. Great. Okay, bye.   KRAMER: Oh hey!   JERRY: Hey - how was the beach?   KRAMER: Oh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas - some major femininas   JERRY: I had a little meeting today at NBC. What are you doing?   KRAMER: You know, I went swimming and I can't get this water out of my ear.   JERRY: So do you remember five years ago, we did that pilot, "Jerry"? Well, the new guy at NBC wants to do it. They're putting it on the air! They're giving us a 13-episode commitment. George and I are moving to California!   KRAMER: You're moving to California?   JERRY: Yeah, only for a while.   KRAMER: Yeah, but Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years! You might never come back.   JERRY: No, I'll be back.   KRAMER: Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.   JERRY: And my agent said as a bonus, I can use their private jet, so we'll all go somewhere - the four of us, one big fling before George and I go to California.   KRAMER: Fling!     [The group is sitting at their table at Monks]   ELAINE: So we can go anywhere we want?   JERRY: Anywhere.   ELAINE: Why are they doing this?   JERRY: I think they want to make it up to us cause they let this thing sit on their shelf for five years.   ELAINE: This is all very exciting.   GEORGE: So? Where are we going?   KRAMER: I say Japan.   ELAINE: Why Japan?   KRAMER: Oh - geishas - they cater to your every whim. They're shy at first, but they're quite skilled at conversation. They can discuss anything from world affairs to the fine art of fishing - or baking.   ELAINE: Oh - I got it - how about Russia?   JERRY: Russia, it's so bleak.   ELAINE: It's not bleak - it's springtime.   JERRY: It's still bleak.   ELAINE: You can't be bleak in spring.   JERRY: You can be bleak in spring.   GEORGE: If you're bleak, you're bleak.   ELAINE: What about Switzerland?   KRAMER: Oh - Switzerland - the Von Trapp family, huh?   GEORGE: It's a bit hilly - no?   ELAINE: You're not going to do any walking.   GEORGE: What if I want to walk around a little?   ELAINE: So then you'll walk down the hill and we'll pick you up.   GEORGE: What if I'm at the bottom?   ELAINE: All right! You know what, just forget it!   JERRY: Alright - come on - come on now, people. Let's face it, we're not all going to agree on anything. Why don't we all just go to Paris?   ELAINE: I'll go to Paris.   GEORGE: Me too.   KRAMER: Oh yeah - oui oui.   JERRY: So that's it - it's settled, we're going to Paris.   (they put theirs hands in the middle)   GROUP: Yeah!     [Jerry's Apartment]   (Elaine enters)   ELAINE: Hey. NBC limo is downstairs - beep beep beep. {NBC tune} I'm just going to call Jill one more time before we go.   JERRY: Wait, you can't make a call like that on your way out. You can't rush that conversation.   ELAINE: Well, I can't call from the limo. Can I call from the plane?   JERRY: First you make a cell-phone walk-and-talk, then she loses a call-waiting face-off, now you're talking about a plane call?   ELAINE: All right, I'll just have to call her from Paris.   (Knock at the door. Jerry answers.)   NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry.   JERRY: Hello, Newman. What gives?   NEWMAN: I was speaking earlier with Kramer and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris?   JERRY: Yeah, that's right.   NEWMAN: Well, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course you know I'm one-quarter French.   JERRY: Really.   NEWMAN: Oh yes, in fact I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly. She's lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her - bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker.   JERRY: That's a shame.   NEWMAN: Take me! Take me!   JERRY: Oh, forget it. Pull yourself together. You're making me sick. Be a man!   NEWMAN: All right! But hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching - watching as it all comes crumbling down.     [The group arrives by limo to the airport]   CAPTAIN: Ah, Jerry?   JERRY: Yeah.   CAPTAIN: I'm Captain Maddox this is my co-pilot, Kurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris?   JERRY: All set. We'll just grab the bags.   CAPTAIN: Don't worry about that. We'll take care of them for you.   JERRY: Just keeps on getting better and better.   (Our heroes enter the plane)   JERRY: Not bad.   ELAINE: Wow!   KRAMER: The only way to fly.   GEORGE: This is it?   (After take-off, the group chit-chats)   GEORGE: I'm sorry - I have to say, I'm a little disappointed, I thought it would be a lot nicer.   JERRY: You're complaining about a private jet?   GEORGE: You think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets?   JERRY: Ted Danson is not even on the network anymore.   GEORGE: Still, I bet when they gave him a plane, it was a lot nicer than this one.   ELAINE: Will you shut up? You are ruining the whole trip.   GEORGE: This is a real piece of junk. I don't even feel safe on this thing. I have a good mind to write a letter toMr. Kimbrough.   JERRY: You're not writing any letters!   ELAINE: Will you turn around?   GEORGE: Why?   ELAINE: You are annoying me sitting like that. It's effeminate.   GEORGE: It's effeminate to sit like this?   ELAINE: Yes, I think it's a little effeminate.   GEORGE: How is this effeminate?   ELAINE: I don't know - it just is.   GEORGE: Kramer, what are you doing?   JERRY: Still got water in your ear?   KRAMER: Can't get rid of it. Maybe it leaked inside my brain.   GEORGE: Would you stop that? It's not safe to be jumping up and down on a plane.   KRAMER: I got to get it out, I can't take this anymore.   GEORGE: Kramer, don't be fooling around up here.   GEORGE: Kramer!   CAPTAIN: Hey, get the hell out of here!   ELAINE: What is that?   GEORGE: Oh my God!   ELAINE: What is that noise? What is that noise?   JERRY: Kramer, what the hell did you do?   KRAMER: I lost my balance.   ELAINE: Oh my God!   ELAINE: What's going on?   JERRY: Kramer!   KRAMER: It was an accident.   GEORGE: I told you to stop with the hopping.   ELAINE: Oh my God, we're going down. We're going to die!   GEORGE: Just when I was doing great. I told you God wouldn't let me be successful.   JERRY: Is this it? Is this how it ends? It can't- it can't end like this.   KRAMER: I'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah!   GEORGE: Jerry? Jerry can you hear me?   JERRY: Yeah.   GEORGE: There's something I have to tell you.   JERRY: What? What is it?   GEORGE: I cheated in the contest.   ELAINE: What?   JERRY: What?   GEORGE: The contest - I cheated.   JERRY: Why?   GEORGE: Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.   JERRY: Great - I won.   ELAINE: Jerry, I gotta tell you something too.   JERRY: Yeah, Elaine I got something I want to say to you.   ELAINE: No no - me first.   JERRY: Alright.   ELAINE: Jerry, I've always loved ..u..   GEORGE: Hey - What's going on?   KRAMER: We're straightening out!   ELAINE: We're straightening out?   JERRY: We're straightening out!   GEORGE: We're straightening out!   GROUP: Yeah!     [Outside the plane]   CAPTAIN: Well, again, sorry about that little mishap. But once you get everything checked out there shouldn't be anymore problems.   JERRY: Where are we?   CAPTAIN: Latham, Massachusetts. Why don't you take a cab into town, get yourself something to eat. I got your beeper number - I'll beep you as soon as we're ready.   JERRY: Okay.   ELAINE: Okay.   JERRY: We'll see you later.     [In front of a store, in Latham, Massachusetts]   ELAINE: Well, what are we going to do about Paris? I mean are we actually going to get back on this plane?   JERRY: I say we go back to New York, and take a regular flight.   GEORGE: I'm not getting on a regular plane now - I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet. No way I'm getting on a regular plane.   ELAINE: Well, I'm sure that they would fly us first class.   GEORGE: First class doesn't make it anymore. Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here, but this time, the good one - the Ted Danson plane.   JERRY: Alright, I'll feel him out.   GEORGE: Yeah, just tell him to hurry it up.   STRANGER: Nice day.   JERRY: Another one?   (A carjacking takes place in front of the group)   ROBBER: Alright fatso, out of the car.   KRAMER: I want to capture this.   ROBBER: Come on! Gimme your wallet.   VOGEL: Don't shoot.   JERRY: Well, there goes the money for the lipo.   ELAINE: See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You know? They can't really chase ya!   GEORGE: He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.   ROBBER: I want your wallet. Come on. Come on, come on.   JERRY: That's a shame. Alright, I'm gonna call NBC.   VOGEL: Officer, he's stealing my car! Officer, I was carjacked. I was held up at gunpoint! He took my wallet, everything!   JERRY: Okay, thanks anyway. They can't get another plane.   KRAMER: All right, what's wrong with the plane we got? They're just checking it out.   ELAINE: Forget it.   JERRY: No, no, no. We're not getting on there. Come on, let's go get something to eat in Sticksville.   OFFICER: All right, hold it right there.   KRAMER: What?   OFFICER: You're under arrest.   JERRY: Under arrest? What for?   OFFICER: Article 223-7 of the Latham County Penal Code.   ELAINE: What? No, no - we didn't do anything.   OFFICER: That's exactly right. The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger as long as it's reasonable todo so.   GEORGE: I never heard of that.   OFFICER: It's new. It's called the Good Samaritan Law. Let's go.     [In a cell, at the Latham County Jail]   ELAINE: The Good Samaritan Law? Are they crazy?   GEORGE: Why would we want to help somebody?   ELAINE: I know.   GEORGE: That's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for.   KRAMER: The Samaritans were an ancient tribe - very helpful to people.   ELAINE: Alright - um, excuse me, hi, could you tell me what kind of law this is.   DEPUTY: Well, they just passed it last year. It's modeled after the French law. I heard about it after Princess Diana was killed and all those photographers were just standing around.   JERRY: Oh, yeah.   ELAINE: Oh, yeah.   DEPUTY: You're the first ones to be arrested on it, probably in the whole country.   GEORGE: All right, so what's the penalty here? Let's just pay the fine or something and get the hell out of here.   DEPUTY: Well, it's not that easy. Now see, the law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000 and as much as five years in prison.   ELAINE: What?   GEORGE: Oh no no no no - we have to be in California next week. We're starting a TV show.   DEPUTY: California? Oh gosh, I don't think so. Yeah, my guess is you're gonna be prosecuted. Better get yourselves a good lawyer.     [Lawyer Jackie Chiles' office]   CHILES: Who told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't tell you to put the cheese on.   (The phone rings)   SECRETARY: Jerry Seinfeld on the phone.   CHILES: You people with the cheese. It never ends. Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of it. You don't have to help anybody. That's what this country's all about. That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable. Hold on. Suzie, cancel my appointment with Dr. Bison. And pack a bag for me. I want to get to Latham, Massachusetts,right away.     [Hoyt's Office]   HOYT: So they got Jackie Chiles, huh? (Sets down the newspaper) Uh hmm. You know what that means. This whole place is going to be swarming with media by the time this thing is over. You're not going to be able to find a hotel room in this town. The whole country is going to be watching us. Now we got to do whatever it takes to win it, no matter what the cost. The big issue in this trial is going to be character. I want you to find out everything you can about these people - and I mean everything.     [The four are in prison, having a meal]   KRAMER: Mmmm, this is pretty good chow, huh?   GEORGE: Would it kill him to check up on us? No - drops off the meals and that's it. I realize we're prisoners, but we're still entitled to catsup.   ELAINE: I guess we could've called for help.   JERRY: But then we would have missed the whole thing.   KRAMER: I still had it on video. We could have watched it later.   GEORGE: Yeah, he's right.   JERRY: I forgot about the video.   ELAINE: Sure - the video.   (Jerry's beeper starts beeping)   ELAINE: What is that?   JERRY: Plane's ready.     [Rivera Live news show]   RIVERA: Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we'll be talking about what most of you have probably been discussing in your homes, and around the water coolers in your offices. I am speaking of course of the controversial Good Samaritan trial that gets underway Thursday in Latham, Massachusetts. Now before we meet our distinguished panel, let's go to Latham live, where Jane Wells is standing by. Jane-   WELLS: Yes. Good evening, Geraldo.   RIVERA: What's the mood? What's going on tonight?   WELLS: Well, Latham is fairly quite tonight, considering the media circus that has descended upon this quaint little town.   RIVERA: And what about the defendants - the so-called New York Four. How are they holding up?   WELLS: Well, I did speak with one of the deputies who had some contact with them, and he told me quote "There's no love lost with that group."   RIVERA: Anything else, Jane?   WELLS: There also seems to be some friction between Mr. Seinfeld, and Ms. Benes. The rumor is that they once dated, and it's possible that ended badly.   RIVERA: Well, ladies and gentlemen, who know, maybe this trial will bring them closer together. Maybe they'll even end up getting married.     [Jerry's parents are packing]   HELEN: I hope you packed enough - this trial could last for weeks.   MORTY: What's all that?   HELEN: Cereal.   MORTY: You're packing cereal?   HELEN: I'm bringing it for Jerry.   MORTY: You got enough here for a life sentence.   HELEN: He likes it. He says he misses that more that anything.   MORTY: So bring a snack-pack.     [George's parents are packing]   ESTELLE: Poor Georgie, was it our fault this happened to him? Did we do something wrong? Maybe it was our fault.   FRANK: Maybe it was your fault. It wasn't my fault. I can tell you that.   ESTELLE: Oh, so it was my fault, but not yours.   FRANK: You were the one who smothered him.   ESTELLE: I did not smother him.   FRANK: You smothered! He couldn't get any air! He couldn't breathe! He was suffocating!   ESTELLE: Sure, and you were always in Korea with your religious chachkis.   FRANK: I had to make a living!     [Newman, laughing, leaves his building with a suitcase. Uncle Leo leaves with his bags, followed by J. Peterman, David Puddy in his 8-ball jacket, Mickey, Kenny Bania, Mr. and Mrs. Ross, Mr. Bookman, Keith Hernandez, and George Steinbrenner.]     [The four are at a table. Jerry and Kramer are enjoying some cereal, while they wait for Jackie Chiles.]   KRAMER: This is excellent huh? Don't worry I didn't use too much milk, cause I know we gotta make it last.   JERRY: You know I've had to reduce my milk level. My whole life I've always filled to at least three quarters - sometimes, to the top of the cereal. Now, to conserve, I can't even see the milk anymore. It's a big adjustment.   KRAMER: I bet.   JERRY: It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.   (Enter Jackie Chiles)   CHILES: Good morning.   ELAINE: Good morning, Jackie.   JERRY: Good morning.   CHILES: Is everybody ready? Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan?   GEORGE: It makes me look older.   CHILES: Look older? Do you think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm trying to give you amoral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into that courtroom, and the jury's going to see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want them to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's getting robbed.   (Jerry laughs)   CHILES: Do you think it's funny?   JERRY: No.   CHILES: You damn right it isn't. You better not be carrying on laughing in that courtroom, funny man. Cause if you start getting all smart-alecky, making wisecracks, acting a fool, you gonna find yourself in here for a long, long time. I don't like that tie. Suzie, get one of my ties from my briefcase.   ELAINE: How do I look, Jackie?   CHILES: Oh, you looking good. You look strong. You one fine-looking sexy lady.   ELAINE: Thank you, Jackie.   KRAMER: How bout me, Jackie?   CHILES: Kramer, you always look good. You got respect for yourself. You're genuine. Jury's going to pick up on that.   (Jackie hands Jerry a tie)   CHILES: Here.   JERRY: This one?   CHILES: That's right.   JERRY: Do I have to?   ELAINE: Jackie says put it on, Jerry.     [Court is starting]   BAILIFF: All rise. Fourth District County Court, Latham, Massachusetts is now in session. The Honorable Judge Arthur Vandelay presiding.   GEORGE: Vandelay? The judge's name is Vandelay?   CHILES: Vanda who?   GEORGE: Jerry, did you hear that?   JERRY: Yeah.   GEORGE: I think that's a good sign.   VANDELAY: Is the District Attorney ready to proceed?   HOYT: We are, Your Honor.   VANDELAY: Mr. Hoyt.   HOYT: Ladies and gentlemen, last year, our City Council by a vote of twelve to two, passed a Good Samaritan Law. Now, essentially, we made it a crime to ignore a fellow human being in trouble. Now this group from New York not only ignored, but, as we will prove, they actually mocked the victim as he was being robbed at gunpoint. I can guarantee you one other thing, ladies and gentlemen, this is not the first time they have behaved in this manner. On the contrary, they have quite a record of mocking and maligning. This is a history of selfishness, self-absorption, immaturity, and greed. And you will see how everyone who has come into contact with these four individuals has been abused, wronged, deceived and betrayed. This time, they have gone too far. This time they are going to be held accountable. This time, they are the ones who will pay.   (Newman shown eating popcorn)   VANDELAY: Mr. Chiles.   CHILES: I am shocked and chagrined, mortified and stupefied. This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayers' time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing - lying and laughing, laughing and lying. You know what these four people were? They were innocentbystanders. Now, you just think about that term. Innocent. Bystanders. Because that's exactly what they were. We know theywere bystanders, nobody's disputing that. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing. Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No, because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders are by definition, innocent. That is the nature of bystanding. But no, they want to change nature here. They want to create a whole new animal - the guilty bystander. Don't you let them do it. Only you can stop them.   VANDELAY: Is the prosecution ready to present its first witness?   HOYT: We are, Your Honor. Call Officer Matt Vogel to the stand.   BAILIFF: Call Matt Vogel.   HOYT: So they were just standing there?   VOGEL: Yes.   HOYT: Did one of them have a video camera?   VOGEL: Yes.   HOYT: Your Honor, with the court's permission, we would like to play back that video and enter it into evidence as Exhibit A.   VANDELAY: Proceed.     [The tape plays]   VOGEL: Don't shoot.   JERRY: Well, there goes the money for the lipo.   ELAINE: See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. They can't really chase ya!   GEORGE: He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.     [New Witness: the victim of the robbery]   HOYT: So they just stood there and did nothing?   VOGEL: Yeah, nothing. Nothing!   HOYT: No further questions.   (Enter NBC executives Stu Chermak and Jay Crespi)   GEORGE: Hey! Great plane! Thanks a lot. Piece of junk. You know you almost got us killed!   HOYT: Call Mabel Choate to the stand.   BAILIFF: Call Mabel Choate.   CHILES: Your Honor. I most strenuously and vigorously object to this witness. She was not present at the time of the incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational, and inconsequential.   HOYT: Your Honor, the prosecution has gone to great lengths and considerable cost to find these character witnesses.It is imperative that we establish this is not merely an isolated incident. It's part of a pattern of anti-social behavior that's been going on for years.   VANDELAY: Objection overruled. I'll hear the witness.   HOYT: Now, Mrs. Choate, would you please tell the court what happen the evening of January 4th.   CHOATE: Well, I was in Snitzer's Bakery when I got accosted by that man.   HOYT: Let the record show that she is pointing at Mr. Seinfeld.   HOYT: What did he want?   CHOATE: My marble rye.   HOYT: Your marble rye?   CHOATE: I got the last one. He kept persisting, and I said no.   HOYT: And then you left the bakery.   CHOATE: That's right.   HOYT: But it didn't end there, did it, Mrs. Choate?   CHOATE: Oh no.     [Flash-back from past episode, "The Rye"]   JERRY: Gimme that rye.   CHOATE: Stop it.   JERRY: I want that rye lady.   CHOATE: Help - someone help.   JERRY: Shut up, you old bag!     [Back to the courtroom]   HOYT: No further questions.   HOYT: I call Marla Penny to the stand.   BAILIFF: Call Marla Penny.   JERRY: The virgin!   HOYT: And what was your connection to the defendants?   PENNY: I dated Mr. Seinfeld for several weeks in the autumn of 1992.   HOYT: Then on the evening of October 28, there was an abrupt end to that relationship. Tell us what happened.   PENNY: It's rather difficult to talk about.   HOYT: It's alright. Take your time.   PENNY: Well, I became aware of a -   HOYT: A what?   PENNY: A, uh -   HOYT: Yes?   PENNY: A contest.   HOYT: Contest?   PENNY: Yes.   HOYT: What was the nature of the contest?   PENNY: Oh please, I can't.   HOYT: It's okay.   PENNY: The four of them made a wager to see if they could -   HOYT: Yes?   PENNY: To see who could go the longest without gratifying themselves.   PETERMAN: For the love of God!   PENNY: It was horrible, horrible!   HOYT: Call Donald Sanger to the stand.   JERRY: Who the hell is that?   MR. SANGER: Come on Donald, you're doing fine.   GEORGE: The Bubble Boy!   CHILES: Bubble Boy?   JERRY: That's right, the Bubble Boy.   CHILES: What's a Bubble Boy?   JERRY: He's a boy who lives in a bubble.   BUBBLE BOY: What the hell are all you looking at?   HOYT: So Donald, would you please tell the court about the incident that occurred in your house, October 7th, 1992.   BUBBLE BOY: Well, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to come to my house, but his friend Costanza showed up instead, so I challenged him to a game of Trivial Pursuit.     [Flash-back from past episode, "The Bubble Boy"]   GEORGE: Who invaded Spain in the Eighth Century?   BUBBLE BOY: That's a joke - the Moors.   GEORGE: Oh no - I'm so sorry, it's the Moops. The correct answer is the Moops.   BUBBLE BOY: Moops? Let me see that. That's not Moops, you jerk. It's Moors. It's a misprint.   GEORGE: Sorry, the card says Moops.   BUBBLE BOY: It doesn't matter. It's Moors - there's no Moops.   GEORGE: It's Moops.   BUBBLE BOY: Moors!   GEORGE: Moops!   GEORGE: Help! Someone!   BUBBLE BOY: There's no Moops, you idiot.   SUSAN: Stop it! Let go of him!   MRS. SANGER: Donald, stop it. No. Donald, stop it.     [Back to the court]   GEORGE: It was Moops.   BUBBLE BOY: Moors.     [New Witness: the lady Kramer gave a defective wheelchair to in "The Handicapped Spot"]   HOYT: So Mr. Costanza parked in a handicapped spot, and as a result you got in an accident, and your wheelchair was destroyed?   LADY: That's right.   HOYT: And then Mr. Kramer gave you a used wheelchair?   LADY: That's right.     [Flash-back showing lady screaming going out of control down hill in her wheelchair.]     [New Witness: Dr. Wilcox, the doctor on duty when Susan died]   HOYT: So you were the doctor on duty the night Susan Ross died?   WILCOX: Yes, that's right. It was May 16, 1996. I'll never forget it.   HOYT: So you broke the news to Mr. Costanza? Could you tell the court, please, what his reaction was?   WILCOX: I would describe it as restrained jubilation.   MR. ROSS: Murderer!   MRS. ROSS: He killed our daughter! He knew those envelopes were toxic!   VANDELAY: Order in this court!   HOYT: Call Sidra Holland to the stand.   CHILES: Whew! Look at this one, she fine. You dated her?   HOYT: So you met Jerry Seinfeld in a health club sometime in 1993?   SIDRA: Yes.   HOYT: And you also met Miss Benes in that same health club?   SIDRA: Yes, that's true.   HOYT: Would you describe the circumstances of that meeting.   SIDRA: We were in the sauna, making chit-chat.     [Flash-Back from past episode, "The Implant"]   SIDRA: You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcie.   ELAINE: Oh, hi, I'm Elaine.     [Back in the courtroom]   HOYT: So, she pretended to trip, and she fell into your breasts?   SIDRA: Yes.   HOYT: Why would she do something like that?   SIDRA: Because he sent her in there to find out if they were real.     [New Witness: Joe Bookman, library cop]   HOYT: State your name.   BOOKMAN: Bookman, Joe Bookman.   HOYT: And what's your occupation?   BOOKMAN: I'm a library cop.   HOYT: What does a library cop do?   BOOKMAN: We chase down library delinquents.   HOYT: Anyone in this room ever delinquent?   BOOKMAN: Yeah, he was. Right over there - Seinfeld.   HOYT: How long was his book overdue?   BOOKMAN: 25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long.   HOYT: What do you call them?   BOOKMAN: Criminals.     [New Witness: George's old girlfriend]   HOYT: So you and Mr. Costanza were dating.   WOMAN: Yes.   HOYT: And then what happened?   WOMAN: Well, I invited him to attend my son's birthday party and -     [Flash-Back from past episode, "The Fire"]   GEORGE: Fire! Get out of the way!     [New Witness: parking lot security guard]   GUARD: At the time, I was employed as a security guard in the parking lot at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall.     [Flash-back from past episode, "The Parking Garage"]   JERRY: Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.   GUARD: I don't know.   JERRY: Because I could get uromycitisis poisoning and die - that's why.     [Back to the courtroom]   HOYT: Uromycitisis! I wonder if they're having any trouble controlling themselves during this trial? Perhaps these two hooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom!   CHILES: Objection, Your Honor! This is completely inappropriate! My clients' medical condition is not on trial here! I refer you to the Disability Act of 1990.   VANDELAY: Sit down, Mr. Chiles.     [New Witness: Police Detective]   HOYT: Alright, Detective, then what happened?   DETECTIVE: We got a tip that a lot of prostitutes had been turning tricks in the parking lot.     [Flash-Back from past episode, "The Wig Master"]   PROSTITUTE: You just cost me some money.   KRAMER: Cool it, lady. Cool it. Cool it, lady. Cool it.   POLICE: Police officers - freeze right there!     [Back to the courtroom]   HOYT: So Cosmo Kramer was, in fact, a pimp.   (Detective shacks his head "yes")     [Witness: the low-talker from "The Puffy Shirt"]   HOYT: So you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would wear your puffy shirt on the Today Show?   LOW-TALKER: (Mumbles)   HOYT: Excuse me?   CHILES: Uh, excuse me, Your Honor, but what is the point of this testimony? This woman's a low-talker. I can't hear a word she's saying. So either get some other kind of microphone up there, or let's move on.     [New Witness: George Steinbrenner]   HOYT: Call George Steinbrenner to the stand.   BAILIFF: Call George Steinbrenner.   HOYT: So George Costanza came to work for you in May of 1994?   STEINBRENNER: Yes, that's right, he was good kid - a lovely boy. Shared his calzone with me - that was a heck of a sandwich, wasn't it, Georgie?   GEORGE: Yes, sir, that was a good sandwich, sir.   STEINBRENNER: He had one little problem though.   HOYT: What was that?   STEINBRENNER: He was a communist. Thick as they come. Like a big juicy steak.   FRANK: How could you give twelve million dollars to Hideki Irabu?!   VANDELAY: Order!     [New Witness: Marcellino from "The Little Jerry"]   HOYT: Cock fighting?   MARCELLINO: Cock fighting.     [New Witness: Pharmacist from "The Sponge"]   PHARMACIST: Sponges. I don't mean the kind you clean your tub with. They're for sex. Said she needed a whole case of them.     [New Witness: Elaine's old boyfriend from work]   MAN: She exposed her nipple.     [New Witness: Mr. Pitt]   HOYT: How did she try to kill you?   PITT: She tried to smother me with a pillow.   HOYT: Call Yev Kassem to the stand.   BAILIFF: Call Yev Kassem.   JERRY: Who?   ELAINE: The Soup Nazi!   CHILES: Soup Nazi? You people have a little pet name for everybody.   HOYT: State your name.   SOUP NAZI: Yev Kassem.   HOYT: Could you spell that?   SOUP NAZI: No! Next question.   HOYT: How do you know the defendants?   SOUP NAZI: They used to come to my restaurant.     [Flash-Back to "The Soup Nazi" Episode]   GEORGE: Medium turkey chili.   JERRY: Medium crab bisque.   GEORGE: I didn't get any bread.   JERRY: Just forget it. Let it go.   GEORGE: Um, excuse me, I think you forgot my bread.   SOUP NAZI: You want bread?   GEORGE: Yes, please.   SOUP NAZI: Three dollars!   GEORGE: What?   SOUP NAZI: No soup for you!     [Back in the courtroom]   SOUP NAZI: But the idiot clowns did not know how to order. I banned that one - the woman - for a year. Then one day, she came back.     [Flash-Back to the "Soup Nazi" episode]   ELAINE: Five cups chopped porcini mushrooms. Half a cup of olive oil. Three pounds celery.   SOUP NAZI: That's my recipe for wild mushroom.   ELAINE: You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!     [Back in the courtroom]   SOUP NAZI: She published my recipes. I had to close the store, move to Argentina. She ruined my business!   ELAINE: Soup's not all that good anyway.   SOUP NAZI: What did you say?!   HOYT: The state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt to the stand.   JERRY: How did they find Babu?   ELAINE: I thought he was deported.   HOYT: You came a long way to be here today, haven't you?   BABU Yes, all the way from Pakistan.   HOYT: And what's your connection to the defendant?   BABU I owned a restaurant. Seinfeld told me to change the menu to Pakistani. But nobody came! There were no people.   HOYT: And then what happened?   BABU Then, he got me an apartment in his building. But they mixed up the mail. And I never got my immigration renewal papers. So they deported me. It's all his fault. Him. And the woman. But they did not care. They're totally indifferent. All they do is mock me, just like they did the fat fellow. All the time. Mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking. All the time! Now it is Babu's turn to mock. Finally I will have some justice. Send them away! Send them all away! Lock them up forever! They are not human. Very bad! Very, very, very bad!     [Rivera Live]   RIVERA: Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera and welcome to this special edition of Rivera Live. Well, arguments in the Good Samaritan trial ended today. The jury has been in deliberation for four and a half hours now. Let's go live to Jane Wells who is in Latham, Massachusetts, covering this trial for us. Jane -   WELLS: Geraldo, just a few minutes ago, the jury asked to see the video tape.   RIVERA: That's the one where they are overheard making sarcastic remarks during the robbery.   WELLS: Yes, it's a very incriminating piece of evidence. But I must tell you, Geraldo, this courtroom and everyone who has attended this trial is still reeling from the endless parade of witness who have come forth so enthusiastically to testify against these four seemingly ordinary people. One even had the feeling that if Judge Vandelay didn't finally put a stop to it, it could've gone on for months.   RIVERA: Jane, whose testimony do you think resonated most strongly with this jury?   WELLS: That is so hard to say. Certainly there's the doctor with the poison invitations. The Bubble Boy was an extremely sympathetic and tragic figure. And that bizarre contest certainly didn't sit well with this small town jury.There's the woman they sold the defective wheelchair to, the deported Pakistani restaurateur. Geraldo, it just went on, and on, and on, into the night.   RIVERA: And so we wait.     [The group, waiting for the jury to decide]   JERRY: Do they make you wear uniforms in prison?   ELAINE: I think so.   JERRY: It's not that bright orange one is it?   ELAINE: I hope it's not that one, because I cannot wear orange.   KRAMER: Will you stop worrying? Jackie's going to get us off. He never loses. How about when he asked that cop if a black man had ever been to his house. Did you see the look on his face?     [George's mother, Estelle, tries to butter up Judge Vandelay]   ESTELLE: Sorry to bother you, Judge.   VANDELAY: How did you get in here?   ESTELLE: Please, if he's found guilty, please be kind to him. He's a good boy.   VANDELAY: This is highly irregular.   ESTELLE: Well, maybe there's something I can do for you.   VANDELAY: What do you mean?   ESTELLE: You know     [Witnesses waiting in pool hall, at restaurant, etc. Mr. Ross buys a gun]     [Sidra Holland and Jackie Chiles are in bed]   SIDRA: Oh, Jackie, you're so articulate.   CHILES: We have plenty of time, too. This jury could be out for days.   (Phone rings)   CHILES: Hello? Damn. They're ready.     [Back in the courtroom]   JERRY: Hey Elaine, what was it you were about to say to me on the plane when it was going down?   ELAINE: I've always loved ... United Airlines.   (Jury reenters the courtroom)   KRAMER: I think it's going to be okay - that girl just smiled at me.   JERRY: Maybe because she knows you're going to jail.   BAILIFF: All rise.   VANDELAY: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?   FOREMAN: We have, Your Honor.   VANDELAY: Will the defendants please rise. And how do you find, with respect to the charge of criminal indifference?   FOREMAN: We find the defendants - guilty.   VANDELAY: Order! Order in this court, I will clear this room! I do not know how, or under what circumstances the four of you found each other, but your callous indifference and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built. I can think of nothing more fitting than for the four of youto spend a year removed from society so that you can contemplate the manner in which you have conducted yourselves. I know I will. This court is adjourned.   (Exit Judge Vandelay)   GEORGE: You had to hop! You had to hop on the plane.   ELAINE: Puddy, don't wait for me.   PUDDY: Alright.   FRANK: We gotta get out of here. We want to beat the traffic.   SIDRA: Come on, Jackie. Let's go.   JERRY: What?   CHILES: Oh, and by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular.     [The group, walking back to the holding cell]   JERRY: Well, it's only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year, and then we'll be back   KRAMER: Could be fun. Don't have to worry about your meals, or what you're going to do Saturday night. And they do shows. Yeah, we could put on a show - maybe "Bye Bye Birdie" or "My Fair Lady". Elaine, you could be Liza Doolittle.   ELAINE: Why don't you just blow it out your a...   (They enter the cell)   ELAINE: If I call Jill from prison, do you think that would make up for the other ones?   JERRY: Sure.   ELAINE: Cause you only get one call. The prison call is like the king of calls.   JERRY: I think that would be a very nice gesture.   KRAMER: I got it - it's out! How about that, huh? Oh, boy, what a relief.   JERRY: See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.   GEORGE: Really?   JERRY: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.   GEORGE: Haven't we had this conversation before?   JERRY: You think?   GEORGE: I think we have.   JERRY: Yeah, maybe we have.     [Epilogue, on stage in the prison]   JERRY: So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So, anyone from Cellblock D?   PRISONER 1: I am.   JERRY: I'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir?   PRISONER 2: Murder one.   JERRY: Murder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir - lighten up. How about you, what are you in for?   PRISONER 3: Grand theft auto.   JERRY: Grand theft auto - don't steal any of my jokes.   PRISONER 3: You suck - I'm gonna cut you.   JERRY: Hey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of your hand.   GUARD: Alright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.   JERRY: Alright, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria.    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 169 - The Cartoon  pc: 913 season 9, episode 13  Broadcast date: January 29, 1998   Written by Bruce Eric Kaplan  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Kathy Griffin ......................... Sally Weaver  Tracy Nelson ......................... Janet  Joe Urla ................................. Dugan  Paul Benedict ......................... Mr. Elinoff  Bart McCarthy ...................... Cab Driver  rc: Wayne Knight .................. Newman  rc: John O'Hurley .................. J. Peterman   ==================================================================   [Some street, Jerry and Kramer walking]   JERRY: So your saying UNICEF is a scam?   KRAMER: It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change.   JERRY: Oh! No it's Sally Weaver.   (We see Sally from a distance.)   KRAMER: Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh?   JERRY: No, It's Susan Ross's old college roommate; she moved to New York a few years ago . she's trying to become an actress.   KRAMER: Hmmm,, Dramatica comedia heh!   JERRY: Untalented, She's always inviting me to see her in some bad play in tiny room without ventilation. It's really depressing.   KRAMER: Euh.. We don't go to enough theater.   JERRY: She should just give up.   (She recognizes them.)   JERRY: Heeyyy!...   SALLY: Hey there Mr. Too big to come to my shows. I just came back from (?) Whoooooooo.....I'm on my way to an audition still waiting for that big break.   KRAMER: Why don't you just give up?   JERRY: Kramer!!!   KRAMER: At least that's what Jerry says. Now face it. If it hasn't happen it's not gonna happen. All right, we go grab some bouffe . Join us?   (Kramer leaves both Sally and Jerry speechless)   JERRY: So......Susan's dead.....       [At Monks]   KRAMER: I think she was happy someone finally said it.   JERRY: Why'd you have to say anything to her?   KRAMER: 'felt that the conversation was lagging.   JERRY: Why can't you ever keep your big mouth shut?   KRAMER: I come in here to get a pleasant meal and if we're not gonna have one I'll grab a bite to eat at your place.   (Pushes Jerry out of the booth and leaves.)   ELAINE: You know, maybe Kramer is right, some people should just give up . I have.   JERRY: What did you wanna be?   ELAINE: I don't remember, but it certainly wasn't this. Look at this cartoon in the New Yorker, I don't get this.   JERRY: I don't either.   ELAINE: And you're on the fringe of the humor business.   (George comes in)   GEORGE: Hey!   ELAINE: Hey! George look at this.   GEORGE: That's cute.   ELAINE: You got it?   GEORGE: No, never mind.   ELAINE: Come on, We're two intelligent people here. We can figure this out. Now we got a dog and a cat in an office.   JERRY: It looks like my accountant's office but there's no pets working there.   ELAINE: The cat is saying " I've enjoyed reading your E-mail".   GEORGE: Maybe it's got something to do with that 42 in the corner .   ELAINE: It's a page number.   GEORGE: Well, I can't crack this one.   ELAINE: Aahh! this has got to be a mistake.   GEORGE: try shaking it...(long pause) Well,Janet should be here any minute.   JERRY: You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her?   GEORGE: Aah! the minute I saw this girl, we just clicked. She's got such a nice face. hummmm her eyes, her mouth, nose   ELAINE: We know what a face consists of.   (Janet arrives)   JANET: I'm sorry I'm late.   GEORGE: Jerry, Elaine, I give you.. Janet.   JANET: Nice to meet you.   ELAINE: Hi!   JANET: Do we still have time to make the movie?   GEORGE: Oh! euh.. Yeah We just can't go to the supermarket to get some candy.   (George goes to the cashier and empties out the candy bowl, they leave.)   ELAINE: Jerry, She looks exactly like you.   JERRY: She does not.   ELAINE: Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care.     [Jerry's place, Kramer is already there making himself a lunch.]   JERRY: Hey! Kramer.   KRAMER: hey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm.. .George, George, Elaine, George again, Elaine, Newman; but that was a crank call. and some Sally woman called said "Thanks a lot, she's quitting the business, you ruined her life.   JERRY: What! You're the one who ruined her life.   KRAMER: Well that's not how she remembers it.   JERRY: Well, I got to talk her out of this.   KRAMER: I thought you said she stinks   JERRY: She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.   (Door buzzer rings)   JERRY: Yeah...   GEORGE: Hey! George and Janet.   KRAMER: Aahh...Who's Janet?   JERRY: George's girlfriend, Elaine thinks she looks like me but I think it's as you would say,kookie talk.   KRAMER: You know what woman I always thought you looked like; Leena Horne.   ALL: Hey, Hey!   KRAMER: And you must....look exactly like Jerry. You don't see this; you're like twins .. WOoooohhhhh!!! this is eerie.   GEORGE: Kramer, what are you talking about...Janet doesn't look anything like Jerry   JANET: well maybe we do look a little like each other.   GEORGE: No..hummm, What do you know about what you look like.   KRAMER: C'mon George relax . Just because they look alike doesn't mean you're secretly in love with Jerry.   GEORGE: (nervous) All right now we're going bye bye.   JANET: We just got here George   GEORGE: Well,,, it's getting dark.   (They leave.)   KRAMER: yeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet though.   (Jerry slaps him in the back.)   JERRY: What are you doing? Don't tell a woman she looks like a man and George doesn't want to hear his girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I   KRAMER: Well how should I have "broached the subject"   JERRY: You don't broach, you keep your mouth shut.   KRAMER: Well sounds like someone's having a bad day.   JERRY: Yeah! Because of you.   KRAMER: Well, I think one of us should leave.   (They stare at each other for a while)     [Monks]   JERRY: Sally, you can't quit the business. This is all because of me.   SALLY: (nods) Hehumm!!   JERRY: You can't give up. You don't think people tell me I stink? When I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink, You suck. We like magic.   SALLY: Really?   JERRY: Of course, I stink, you stink. It's show bizz. everybody stinks..   SALLY: Yeah! You've been stinking since the Eighties.   JERRY: All right, I think we've covered my act. Now you get out there and stink it up with everybody else.   SALLY: Right!, Yesss!! Thank you I'm gonna do it. (starts to eat her food)   JERRY: NOW!!!!.... (she leaves in a hurry)     [Back to Jerry's place, evening.]   ELAINE: Well I've asked every one at work and nobody gets this cartoon. I mean I don't understand why no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.   JERRY: Oh! I think we're at the bottom.   ELAINE: (to George who just came in) Hey! George, Janet looks very nice and she's quite a handsome woman.   GEORGE: What does that mean?   JERRY: Yeah. What does that mean?   GEORGE: (to Jerry) What do you mean by that?   ELAINE: Enjoy. (she leaves)   JERRY: Elaine huh?.. She's completely..   GEORGE: Oh! I know....'Cos you don't think Janet?..   JERRY: No....   GEORGE: Why would I...   JERRY: It's ludicrous..   GEORGE: Yes.   JERRY: For either one of us..   GEORGE: No...   JERRY: So...   GEORGE: Exactly.   JERRY: I'm not gay.   GEORGE: ...neither am I.   BOTH: Kramer, Kramer, get in here.   GEORGE: Where's the crazy man, Come on up.   JERRY: Come on in here.   (As Kramer steps out and comes in)   GEORGE: Haaaaaa!!!   JERRY: What's happening? What, you doing, come and talk to us.   KRAMER: I've made an important life decision.   JERRY: Lets talk about that.   GEORGE: Don't leave (George slams the door)   KRAMER: Aw right. I know I've been shooting off at the mouth lately; First with that girl whose life you destroyed and.. emm...about George dating a lady Jerry   GEORGE: What's the decision?   KRAMER: I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm never gonna talk again.   JERRY: Yeah right.   KRAMER: What do I need to talk for.. ha!, For to blab to the neighbors about George has a new fem-Jerry friend or to tell everybody at the coffee shop ho George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend. See now, I've done all that.....Now it's time for silence.   GEORGE: Silence YES!!   JERRY: Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking.   KRAMER: Jerry, ninety four percent of communications is non-verbal. Here watch.   (Kramer does mimics but you can make out somebody angry saying "What are you talking about, twice and then some crying))   JERRY: Well what does this mean?   KRAMER: Well it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing George's man love towards she-Jerry.   GEORGE: (frantic by now) SHUT UP,SHUT UP, SHUT UP,...(then leaves)   KRAMER: That's the idea.   JERRY: Kramer there's no way you stick to this.   KRAMER: (makes a zipper gesture to his mouth) ..Weeeeeepp!!   JERRY: Oh! you just startin' now?   KRAMER: that's right......Aye oooh!! ...Right now.   (Kramer turns abruptly and hit his knees on the coffee table)   KRAMER: Ouch!!..........Now!!     [Next day at the New Yorker]   MR. ELINOFF: So, J. Peterman wants to hire some of our cartoonists to illustrate your catalog?   ELAINE: Well we're hoping that if perhaps that the catalog is a little funnier,people won't be so quick to return the clothes ha ha....For example.. I..I really do....Well I love this one   (Elaine shows him the cartoon)   MR. ELINOFF: Oh! yeah... That's a rather clever jab at inter office politics don't you think.   ELAINE: Ahan, Ahan....yeah...Euh but, Why is it that the, that the animals enjoy reading the email?   MR. ELINOFF: Well Miss Benes . Cartoons are like gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer. heh..hemm..   ELAINE: Well you don't have to dissect if you can just tell me. Why this is suppose to be funny?   MR. ELINOFF: Ha! It's merely a commentary on contemporary mores. (slides the magazine to her)   ELAINE: But, what is the comment. (she slides the magazine back to him)   MR. ELINOFF: It's a slice of life.   ELAINE: No it isn't.   MR. ELINOFF: Pun?   ELAINE: I don,t think so.   MR. ELINOFF: Vorshtein?   ELAINE: That's not a word.....You have no idea what this means do you?   MR. ELINOFF: No.   ELAINE: Then why did you print it.   MR. ELINOFF: I liked the kitty.   ELAINE: (gets up) You know what? you people should be ashamed of yourself, you know ya doodle a couple of bears at a cocktail party talking about the stock market. You think you're doing comedy.   MR. ELINOFF: Actually that's not bad..   ELAINE: Oh! really (laughs) well you know..... I have others       [Cuts to the Samuel Beckett Theatre]   JERRY: Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman show?   SALLY: No, no.. It's just a little performance piece I wrote... You know what? You really inspired me,oKay, a tear.   (Kramer joins Jerry just as the show starts)   JERRY: Ah! There you are.(Kramer motions silence)   JERRY: Aw.. right, code of silence.. how's that going?....Ha!!...   (Applause, Sally starts her show)   SALLY: Hi everybody think you're really going to like this 'cos it' about me...All right it's not just about me It's about me and this guy; Jerry Seinfeld. who I like to call; The Devil...Okay, Okay so.. I run into this Jerry on the street and he says to me " Sally, You stink, You should give up acting." Oh! I'm doing Jerry Now so you've got imagine I have ; horns, a tail and hooks instead of feet. (big laughs from the audience and Kramer is cracking up)   JERRY: (to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!!     [Next day at Jerry's]   ELAINE: She does a full hour about how you're the devil .I got to go see this thing.   JERRY: Good luck, It's sold out for the next three weeks.   ELAINE: Well I bet I can get in once I mention I'm from ...The New Yorker.   JERRY: The New Yorker?   ELAINE: Yes, The New Yorker, I've met with their cartoon editor and I got him to admit that that cartoon ...MADE NO SENSE....   JERRY: Wow! Good work, Nancy Drew   ELAINE: Then we ended up going out to lunch and he had some great gossip about James Thurber.   JERRY: Nodding off...   ELAINE: ....And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons.   JERRY: Wow! that's incredible......But you don't draw.   ELAINE: I do to.   JERRY: What, your sad little horsies, the house with the little curl of smoke, the sunflower with the smiley face. the transparent cube... (as she leaves)   ELAINE: It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane.   JERRY: Where did you see that? Those are private!!!       [Back to Monks, same day]   SALLY: Jerry, sorry I'm late. Channel Nine is doing a piece on my show. Isn't that great? Do you hate me?   JERRY: No,no I tought the show was terrific. I was just wondering if you have to keep saying Jerry Seinfeld is the devil.   SALLY: Well...That is the title.   JERRY: I know but I thought that maybe you could mention how I apologized then encouraged you to stick with it.   SALLY: You know I workshopped that and.. SNOOZERS!!! he he he....but I'll tell you what I'll think... It's all a journey.   JERRY: You got a little shmootz there (picks something on her sweater)   (Newman shyly approaches the table)   NEWMAN: Excuse me Miss Weaver, OH! My god it is you! I.. I've seen your show six times..   JERRY: What a surprise.   NEWMAN: Aahh! You're great,It's great, It's so great to see a show that's (looks at Jerry) about something.   (Kramer climbs into a cab)   DRIVER: Where to?   (Kramer realizes that he can't talk so quickly gets out of the cab.)     [Evening at Janet's apt.]   GEORGE: (we hear him think) My friends are idiots, she doesn't look like Jerry. She doesn't look like anybody. And so what if does look like Jerry,what does that mean?. That I could have everything I have with Jerry but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her....And that somehow that would be exactly what I always wanted.....She doesn't even look like Jerry..   SALLY: You know I really do look like your friend Jerry.   GEORGE: I know....     [Back to Jerry's]   TV ANNOUNCER: Thanks for watching Nine News. We leave you tonight with a scene from Sally Weavers One woman show.   SALLY: Ok so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at this horrible coffee shop right? And he's like "Hey stop doing your show." and I'm like, Hello! It's a free country. So then he goes." Okay Shmootsie" and he starts pulling at my sweater right?. He's getting, you know, Hands Across America.   JERRY: There really was shmootz on I didn't try to grab her   SALLY: ...And this is what he looks like when he's eating...   JERRY: Get Out of my House!!.   (Elaine walks in the door looking terrible)   ELAINE: Well boys, I did it. I had to stay up all night but I finally came up with a great New Yorker cartoon.   JERRY: I'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself up a little before I'd go out.   ELAINE: That is not the point.   JERRY: some mouthwash, a hat, something.   ELAINE: Just read it!   JERRY: (glances at it) Pretty good.   ELAINE: Pretty good? Well uh! This is a gem . Kramer look it....(Kramer stays silent).....What? It's funny.   JERRY: It's a pig at a complain department.   ELAINE: And he's saying " I wish I was taller" ha ha. See? that's his complaint.   JERRY: I get it.   ELAINE: Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal complaint.   JERRY: How 'bout if it was something like " I can't find my receipt my place's a stye.   ELAINE: Everything with you has to be so .. jokey.   JERRY: I'm a comedian.   ELAINE: I wish I was taller, that's, that's, that's nice. that's real.   JERRY: Well I got a complaint. This cartoon stinks.   ELAINE: I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks, The New Yorker. that's right. They're publishing it in their next issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall and he said you tried to grope Sally Weaver.   JERRY: oh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to this.   (Picks up a phone and dials Sally's number. Kramer taps on a sheet of paper that he gives to Elaine to read.)   ELAINE: The pig says "my wife is a slut."   JERRY: Now that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally, yeah this is Jerry,I just wanted to leave you a message that I caught your little piece on TV and..   (Instant switch to the club where Sally is playing the message that Jerry left on her message.)   JERRY: ....I'm getting a little tired of hearing how horrible I am and would appreciate it if you would leave me out of your act all together.   JERRY: (from the back of the club, leaving) That's it I'm calling in the big guns.   (Still Sally's act but seen on his TV back in his apartment.)   SALLY: To cease and desist on behalf of my client, Jerry Seinfeld. Signed ; Crybaby Jerry Seinfeld's Lawyer. Ok but I got two words for you Jerry Seinfeld...(censored beep)...You   JERRY: How could she say that on TV?.. And how did she get a cable special . I 've never gotten a cable special.....well that's it I'm not giving her any more material. We are incommunicado. (to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly.     [At Peterman's office, next day. Elaine posted her cartoon on her door.]   ELAINE: Check it out, from the new issue of the New Yorker...huh!...Funny isn't it? (Dugan shrugs) Look at it, the pig wants to be taller and what's this guy gonna say?.. he he...Nothin'..he he.   PETERMAN: Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet another flat tire.   ELAINE: Can I fix that after lunch sir?   PETERMAN: Oh! no right away, chop, chop........Oh! a new cartoon....."I wish I was taller (hearty laugh) I'd like to see that complaint get rectified. (more laughs and he leaves)   ELAINE: (to Dugan ) You see? You see? Smart people think this is funny and you want to know why? 'Cause I wrote it.   DUGAN: You shouldn't make fun of pigs. (he leaves)   PETERMAN: (returns) Flash of lightning Elaine I just realized why I like this cartoon so much.   ELAINE: Oh! Do tell sir?   PETERMAN: It's a Ziggy!   ELAINE: A Ziggy?   PETERMAN: That irreverence, that wit I'd recognize it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen a Ziggy and passed it off as his own. I can prove it. Quick Elaine, to my archives.       [In a restaurant later that evening.]   GEORGE: You know, you know what's great about our relationship?...It's not about looks.   JANET: It's not?   GEORGE: No, Can't be...For instance I remember when we first met, we had a great conversation.   JANET: I remember you said I was the prettiest girl at the party.   GEORGE: ....But after that we really talked didn't we?   JANET: Well,you told me how familiar I looked and that you must have seen me somewhere before.   GEORGE: Na....no ... This relationship he..he..has got to be about something and fast or I'm in very serious and weird trouble....hum What else happened?   JANET: You asked for a piece of gum because you thought your breath smelled like hummus.   GEORGE: Aw right YES! GUM! Good enough I'll take it.   JANET: I like gum.   GEORGE: I do too. you see that's what we're about . You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum.   JANET: I have gum in my hair.   GEORGE: I'm losin' it     [Monks]   SALLY: (joining Kramer) Hey! Your Jerry's friend. You're Goofy, mind if I sit. My show is going really well. Have you seen it yet? you should. Everybody else have and you know what? I got recognized the other day, How weird is that. I know . At first I liked the attention but it's like Whoa!! take three steps back, Get a life, okay. but then there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without the fans, know what I mean. But who am I? anyway. I mean there's Sally weaver the woman, Sally Weaver the artist, Sally Weaver the person...   KRAMER: (loudly) Now you gotta shut up!.....(Sally is speechless)...I'm sorry, I..I haven't spoken in days.   SALLY: Well, lay it on me string bean.       [Janet's apt. She is in the bedroom.]   JANET: Let me get this gum out of my hair and then I'll be ready for bed.   GEORGE: OK Look, the gum isn't cutting it for me. We need to be about something else...anything..please.   JANET: George.   (George turns around to see Janet with short Jerry like hair and a jerry like blue shirt.)   GEORGE: Your hair?   JANET: Well I had to cut the gum out and I had a little trouble getting it even. So why don't you get undressed George. (George speeds out the door)   GEORGE: George is in big trouble....       [At Jerry's the next day.]   JERRY: You ripped off a Ziggy?   ELAINE: It must've seeped up my subconscious, Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets....D'you read the comics today?   JERRY: I see that Ziggy's back at the complaint department.. "The New Yorker is stealing my ideas." ha ha ha See that's funny.....'cause it's real.   (Kramer comes in)   ELAINE: Hey look it ;Sally's cable show's on (Kramer turns around to leave)   JERRY: Hey! Kramer come on in. You've got to watch this, now she's got nothing.   SALLY: (on TV) Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld has broke off all contacts with me.   JERRY: That's right sister. Why don't you just give up?   ELAINE: Why are you yelling at the TV?   SALLY: ..OK get this; I heard he makes his best friend date women that look just like him.Hello issues..   JERRY: Elaine, have you been talking to her?   ELAINE: Hey! I'm just a fan..ha ha...   SALLY: Oh and speaking of issues . Guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his neighbor not to tell anyone?   JERRY: (to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking??   KRAMER: ...All right ..Starting now......       [Monks]   JERRY: You broke up with her just because she cut her hair! how short?   GEORGE: like that (looking at Jerry)   JERRY: You mean like.. (points to his hair)   GEORGE: ..That.   JERRY: So she..   GEORGE: Yes..   JERRY: And you don't...   GEORGE: Nooo...   JERRY: So...   GEORGE: Exactly..   JERRY: Hmmmm...   GEORGE: We...must never ever speak of this again..   JERRY: No, no......(long pause . they stare at the walls) Hey uh.. you want to see a movie?   GEORGE: Actually I think I'm gonna take a few days off (starts to leave)   JERRY: I think that's for the best.      The End<|endoftext|>Episode 44 - The Ticket  pc: 404, season 4, episode 4  Broadcast date: September 16, 1992   Written by Larry David  Directed by Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Kevin Page .......................... Stu  Steve Eastin ........................ Cop #1  David Graf ......................... Cop #2  Al Fann ............................... Judge  Stephen McHattie ............... Psychiatrist (Dr. Reston)  Peter Blood ......................... Jay  Julie Blum ............................ Receptionist  rc: Wayne Knight ................ Newman  rc: Bob Balaban ................... Russell Dalrimple  rc: Heidi Swedberg ............. Susan Biddle Ross  rc: Len Lesser ..................... Uncle Leo   ==================================================================   [Jerry's apartment]   (Enter Kramer with one pant leg on)   JERRY: (going through couch cushions) Where the hell did I put this?   KRAMER: What are you looking for?   JERRY: The remote, the remote, I can't find the remote. Did I lost, I lost it. Did you take it? Did you put it some place?   KRAMER: No, no, no.   (Jerry notices Kramer's look)   JERRY: All right, what is this?   KRAMER: (clueless) what is what?   JERRY: All right, very funny. I get it.   KRAMER: You're in a weird mood.   JERRY: Come on. Go back to your apartment and fix it.   KRAMER: Fix what?   JERRY: Your pants!   (Kramer is startled when he realizes his looks)   KRAMER: what is this? What have I got one pant leg on for?   JERRY: Don't you know? Look-look at your face! You only shaved the right side of your face! What is this? A joke?   KRAMER: No, t's a joke.. a joke... a joke... you think this is funny?   JERRY: Go look at your face in the mirror.   KRAMER: Wha-huh-wha-huh...   (door buzzer)   JERRY: (pressing intercom) yeah?   GEORGE: (on intercom) It's George.   JERRY: Come on up.   KRAMER: I don't believe this.   JERRY: You mean, you didn't know you were doing any of these things?   KRAMER: No, I swear.   JERRY: I bet this is from that kick from that crazy Joe Davola. You better see a doctor and get some X-rays.   (Enter George)   GEORGE: (to Kramer) Ah! You're just the man I'm looking for.   KRAMER: Me?   (George hands Kramer a paper)   GEORGE: Yeah, here you go.   KRAMER: What's this?   GEORGE: A dry-cleaning bill?   JERRY: From that woman at NBC?   GEORGE: Yeah.   KRAMER: A dry-cleaning bill for what?   GEORGE: For vomiting on her vest!   KRAMER: Oh, come on George! I didn't do that on purpose!   GEORGE: Well, I shouldn't have to pay for it!   KRAMER: Well, neither should I! Jerry's the one who left the milk in the refrigerator.   GEORGE: (to Jerry) Yeah, your milk.   JERRY: (pointing Kramer) He drank it.   KRAMER: I didn't know.   JERRY: All right, well, we should all chip in I guess.   KRAMER: Yeah.   JERRY: How much was it to clean the vest?   GEORGE: Eighteen dollars.   JERRY: Can you get vomit out of suede?   GEORGE: I don't know.   KRAMER: Yo-yo Ma!   JERRY: What? Yo-yo Ma?   KRAMER: What about him?   JERRY: You just said 'Yo-yo Ma'.   GEORGE: What's Yo-yo Ma?   JERRY: He's a cellist. (to Kramer) You should see a doctor today.   GEORGE: All right, come on, come on, let's go. Six dollars.   JERRY: I can't believe she sent you that dry-cleaning bill.   GEORGE: I know!   JERRY: That doesn't really bode well for the show, does it?   GEORGE: The show! Forget about the show! We should take the idea to a different network   JERRY: Oh, yeah. Right. Like anybody's ever gonna do this! How did you get me to go along with that? A show about nothing!   GEORGE: It was a good idea. Susan liked it. Now, if he hadn't vomitted all over her, we'd be writing it right now.   KRAMER: Jeez!   GEORGE: Anyway.   (Phone rings, Kramer picks up. Answers in Italian.)   JERRY: (interrupts) What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What're you doing? Give me that phone! Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today. (on the phone) Hello? Oh hi! I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor. He's not quite himself. He got kicked in the head. What? Really? You're kidding! Today? Yeah! Sure! We could make it. Two o'clock? Yeah, we would do that. Okay. Great! Thanks a million! Okay, bye.   GEORGE: What?   JERRY: NBC! They wanna have another meeting about the idea.   GEORGE: They wanna have another meeting? They wanna buy it?! They wanna but it?! Oh! I tell you! We're gonna be rich!! What are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand?   JERRY: I don't know about sixty.   GEORGE: Oh, it's gotta be fifty! Hee hee! You know how much Ted Danson makes, huh?   JERRY: Ted Danson! Now, how are you comparing us to Ted Danson?   GEORGE: I didn't say 'We're Ted Danson.'   JERRY: Yes, you did. You said 'We're Ted Danson'!   GEORGE: Oh!   JERRY: You know, I think he wears a piece.   GEORGE: Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it.    [Street]   JERRY: I'm ten minutes slow again! That's it for this piece of junk! I've had it.   (He throws his watch in the trash can beside him)   GEORGE: What, is that the one your parents gave you?   JERRY: Yeah! But it never works. You know we're supposed to be there by two o'clock. We should take a cab.   GEORGE: All right, we'll be a little late, I,m not taking a cab.   JERRY: I'll pay for it.   GEORGE: It's not the money!   JERRY: Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The Speed? The convenience?   (Both raise their arm to signal a cab.)   LEO: Jerry!   JERRY: Uncle Leo!   LEO: Helloooo!   JERRY: Hello there, how're you doing?   LEO: Ha ha! How are you?   JERRY: Good, good.   LEO: How's your mom and dad?   JERRY: Good, fine.   LEO: What are you getting to be too much of a big shot now to give me a call? I don't hear from you anymore!   JERRY: Oh, no. I've been kinda busy. It's all.   LEO: You know where I just came from?   (He grabs Jerry's forearm.)   Danny Barma.   JERRY: (not enthousiastic at all) Oh, sure. Danny.   LEO: He used to be in the pajama business. I used to be able to get pajamas for free. I used to come over and get pajamas all the time!   (Leo shakes Jerry around using his grip on Jerry's arm.)   JERRY: Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember.   (George gets impatient, touches his watch subtly, maybe subconsciously.)   LEO: The funny thing is: I can't wear 'em. I get too hot. I sleep in my underwear and a t-shirt. If it gets too hot, I just get the t-shirt off! Anyway, Danny says to me: 'You need any pajamas?'   JERRY: (interrupts) I-I'm sorry Uncle Leo, I really gotta get going.   LEO: Oh. Well. You gotta get going, so go.   JERRY: We, we got a big meeting with the president of NBC.   LEO: Nobody got a gun to your head!   JERRY: (seems sincere) Yeah, I'm really sorry, uh.   LEO: Go. Really. I understand. You got an appointment, go to your appointment.   JERRY: I'm sorry, really.   LEO: You know, I know plenty of people in Hollywood too!   JERRY: Sorry, really.   (Leo turns around and leaves. He passes by the trash can and sees the watch. He picks it up, takes it to his ear, laughs and puts it on. He walks away.)    [Hall out of Kramer's apartment]   (Newman knocks on Kramer's door)   KRAMER: (from inside) Yeah?   NEWMAN: Come on, are you ready? Let's go!   (Straightens his tie)   (Kramer opens the door. He has shaving cream on his face.)   KRAMER: For what?   NEWMAN: What's the matter with you? I just talked to you fifteen minutes ago.   KRAMER: what about?   NEWMAN: The courthouse. You gotta go with me to the courthouse. I'm contesting a ticket today.   KRAMER: I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later.   NEWMAN: You gotta go with me. I mean, you-you're my alibi. You have to take the stand.   KRAMER: Well, I can't!   NEWMAN: Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! You wouldn't even begin to comprehend what that means!!   KRAMER: Shut up! I'll get my coat!    [Newman enters Kramer's apartment]   KRAMER: Don't step on anything.    [NBC's waiting room]   JERRY: You see the look on my uncle's face? Did you see how insulted he was? What could I do? Waht are we supposed to do? You can't leave. There's no excuse good enough to justify walking away from a conversation with one of my relatives.   GEORGE: I didn't shave this morning. I don't feel like myself.   JERRY: You could be a fireman on a fire truck on the way to a fire. You bump into one of my relatives. 'I'm sorry Uncle Leo, there's a building full of people burning down. I really do have to be running.' He'll go: 'Go. Go ahead. Go to your fancy fire. If that's what you have to do.'   GEORGE: Look at this.   JERRY: Why didn't you shave this morning?   GEORGE: 'Cause I shaved yesterday in the afternoon.   JERRY: Why?   GEORGE: Because of the day before. It's a long story.   (Jerry looks down the hall.)   Can't get back on schedule.   JERRY: Is that Joe Davola?   (Jerry crouches in his seat)   GEORGE: It's not him!   JERRY: I can't live tlike this. I'm being stalked.   Receptionist: Mister Seinfeld? They're ready for you.   JERRY: Oh.   (They get up)   GEORGE: Mister Seinfeld? What about Mister Costanza? I'm not here?   (They walk toward the office)   JERRY: All right. Look. Now, you promised you're gonna be a little more flexible on the nothing idea, okay? Jsut a little.   GEORGE: Okay. A little.    [Courthouse waiting room]   NEWMAN: Okay, you're all set? You got your story?   KRAMER: No.   NEWMAN: When the cop stopped me, I told him that I was rushing home because my friend was about to commit suicide.   KRAMER: Uhm...   NEWMAN: Now, you're that firend. Now, all we need is a reason why you were going to commit suicide.   (Pause; they're thinking)   KRAMER: I never had an air conditioner.   NEWMAN: No! That's no reason to kill yourself!   KRAMER: Why? It gets hot at night, you can't sleep. You ever tried to sleep in a really hot room?   NEWMAN: Every night I sleep in a really hot room, I don't want to kill myself.   KRAMER: Well, I slept in really hot rooms and I wanted to kill myself.   NEWMAN: No, no, no. That's not gonna work. Something else.   KRAMER: I was never able to become a banker.   (Newman has a revelation.)   NEWMAN: Banker! So you're killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a banker have gone unfulfilled. You-you-you-you can't live without being a banker.   KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. If I can't be banker, I don't wanna live.   NEWMAN: You must be banker.   KRAMER: MUST be banker.   NEWMAN (satisfied): Okay, we'll go with the banker story.    [NBC office]   (I might be missing a line here, I suck at cutting the commercials. If so, please complete.)   GEORGE: The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation.   (George is the only one laughing)   RUSSEL: And people really have to care about the characters.   GEORGE: Care? Forget about care. Love. They have to love the characters. Otherwise, why would they keep tuning in?   JERRY: Wouldn't tune in.   GEORGE: Would they tune in?   JERRY: No tune.   RUSSEL: We like to look at the show as if it were in EKG. You have your highs and your lows and it goes up and down.   GEORGE: The show will be like a heart attack!   JERRY: Just a huge massive coronary.   RUSSEL: So what you said last week about no story, you're a little flexible on that now.   GEORGE: Is-is that what I said 'no story'? Because Jerry had to tell me later.   JERRY: He couldn't believe it.   GEORGE: (Laughs, snorts) I said, I said: 'Get outta here! No story? Is that what I said?'   (Jerry and George laugh)    [Courtroom]   Police officer: Well, I informed him that he was exceeding the speed limit and uh, that's when he told me that he was racing home because his friend was about to commit suicide.   JUDGE: And then what happened?   Police officer: Well, then he became very loud and hysterical. He was flailing his arms about as he told the story and then he threw himself on the ground and he grabbed me around the legs and then he begged me to let him go. And when I refused, that's when he began to scream: 'My friend's going to die, my friend's going to die.'    [NBC office]   RUSSEL: Look. I don't know how you two guys feel but we would really like to be in business with you.   (George starts, Jerry starts later, both speak at the same time, nonstop)   GEORGE: Well, we would like to be in business. Let's do business. We'll have some business. Let's have business.   JERRY: We would love to be in business. We'll do business. We're in business. It's... it's business. This is business.   GEORGE: Yeah!   Stu: Would it be possible to get a-a-a copy of 'La Cocina'?   (Pause. George and Jerry are puzzled.)   (Jerry gets it, pokes George.)   JERRY: Your off-Broadway play.   GEORGE: Oh, oh. Uh, you know. It's the damndest thing. I, uh, I moved recently and my files, pfff, disappeared. Now, I-I don't know if they fell off the truck or if there was some sort of foul play but let me tell you something. I'm not through with that moving company.   JERRY: (backs his story) Hmm, hmm.   GEORGE: That's my vow to you.   RUSSEL: Well, I got a feeling about you two. And even more than that. I place a great deal of confidence in that lady's judgment.   (the lady is Susan)   (George and Jerry both speak at the same time, nonstop)   GEORGE: Oh! That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there. Sure.   JERRY: Oh! Taht's judgment. Yes, yes. Judgment with earrings on. Yeah.   RUSSEL: (gets up) So, let's make a pilot.   (Hand shakes)    [Courtroom]   NEWMAN: I had gone up to Westchester. I go there every Tuesday. I do charity for the blind in my spare time for the Lighthouse. I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker.   JUDGE: I don't understand.   NEWMAN: You see, it'd been his lifelong dream to be a banker and he uh, just the day before he was turned down by another bank. I believe it was the Manufacturer's Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street. That was the third bank to turn him down so I was-I was a little concerned. I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible. But I distinctly recall him say...   KRAMER: (interupts involuntarily) Yo-yo Ma!   NEWMAN: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.   JUDGE: So then he didn't kill himself.   NEWMAN: No sir. He did not. But only by thge grace of God. He's in the courtroom today   (Stands up, points to Kramer.) (dramatically) sitting right over there! And he can corroborate my entire testimony.    [NBC's waiting room]   (Jerry and George are coming out of the office)   GEORGE: See?   JERRY: Yeah!   GEORGE: I told you, I told you! Ha ha ha! Ooh ooh!   JERRY: Now, all we gotta do is write it.   GEORGE: Yes! How're we gonna do that?   (Enter Susan)   SUSAN: Hey! Congratulations!   JERRY: Thanks.   GEORGE: Oh, thank you.   JERRY: Thank you, thanks.   GEORGE: Thanks. Gee, you know, I thought you were mad at me.   SUSAN: No.   Receptionist: Mister Seinfeld, you have a phone call.   JERRY: Phone call? Who knows I'm here?   (He picks up the phone)   Hello? Mom? How'd you know I was here? Oh, I was not rude to him, that is baloney! I couldn't talk! I couldn't talk! I had a meeting! I don't know... he-he went off on something about pajamas!   GEORGE: When you sent me the-the bill for the dry-cleaning. I thought the show didn't have a chance.   SUSAN: Oh, it was only vomit.   GEORGE: Anyway, I-I would like to-to pay for the cleaning.   SUSAN: Oh no-no, it's okay. *comment from transcriber: yeah, she doesn't want to be paid, didn't she send the bill?*   GEORGE: No-no-no, we all chipped in. We have the money.   SUSAN: Well, it was eighteen dollars.   GEORGE: Okay, uh, eighteen dollars, and there it is. There you go. So maybe we could get together this weekend.   SUSAN: Yeah. Call me.   GEORGE: All right, great.   SUSAN: Bye.   JERRY: Bye thanks.   GEORGE: (chuckles) Bye, thanks. (To Jerry, when Susan is far) I can't believe she took the money.   JERRY: Why?   GEORGE: I offered to pay. She should've said no.   JERRY: She did, you insisted.   GEORGE: Maybe this is what the pilot should be about, vomiting on somebody's vest.   JERRY: Nah!   GEORGE: How much are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand?   JERRY: oh, I d-I don't know. I d---   GEORGE: Oh, gotta get fifty. Gotta get fifty. All right, I tell you what. We go to the coffee shop, you call your manager. Maybe they made an offer.   JERRY: Okay.   GEORGE: (excited, pushing Jerry forward) All right, let's go, let's go, let's go, come on.    [Coffee shop]   GEORGE: Thirteen thousand?   JERRY: Thirteen thousand.   GEORGE: a piece?   JERRY: No, for both!   GEORGE: That's insulting! Ted Danson makes eight hundred thousand dollars an episode.   JERRY: Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson?   GEORGE: Well, he does.   JERRY: You're nuts!   GEORGE: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?   JERRY: He's somebody.   GEORGE: What about me?   JERRY: You're nobody.   GEORGE: Why him? Why not me?   JERRY: He's good, you're not.   GEORGE: I'm better than him.   JERRY: You're worse, much much worse. (crouches in booth) That's Davola!   GEORGE: (crouches too) What? Where? Where?   JERRY: Outside! I saw him outside!    [Europe]   (Elaine is kissing with a guy. He stops. She keeps kissing him, then stops.)   ELAINE: what is it?   BOYFRIEND: Oh, it's this patient.   ELAINE: (sighing) Again?   BOYFRIEND: I'm fairly certain. I forgot to leave him an extra prescription for his medication.   ELAINE: Well, so, he can live without his Valium for a couple of days.   BOYFRIEND: Nah, you don't understand. He could be dangerous.   (Elaine turns around, rolls her eyes.)    [Coffee shop]   JERRY: Go outside and see if he's still there.   GEORGE: I can't go out there, he knows we're friends.   JERRY: Well, what are we supposed to do? I gotta take Kramer to the doctor.   (A cop sits down at the counter.)   GEORGE: Tell the cop.   JERRY: Good idea.   (Walks to counter)   Excuse me officer. There's a guy outside and he's kind of a nut job and I think he's waiting to beat me up. If you could just walk me outside and wait till I get into a cab.   COP: Yeah, all right. Just let me get a muffin.   JERRY: Thanks.   (Jerry waits a while and realizes he has to go sit back with George and wait over there.)   JERRY: (back in booth) He's gonna get a muffin and then he'll walk us outside. This is a great way to go through life.   (Looks over at the cop)   Hey! He's looking at the menu now. What's he looking at the menu for?!   GEORGE: I thought you said he was gonna get a muffin.   (Jerry gets up and walks to the counter)   JERRY: (bossy) What are you doing?   COP: What?   JERRY: What, are you ordering food now?   COP: Yeah! Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich.   JERRY: What happened to the muffin?   COP: I got a little hungry.   JERRY: All of a sudden you get hungry?   COP: Yeah! You got a problem with that?   JERRY: No! Enjoy your lunch.   (Goes back toward the booth and stops.)   You know a muffin can be very filling.   (Keeps walking to the booth) (to George) He's getting a sandwich now!   GEORGE: I thought he was just gonna have a muffin.   JERRY: All of a sudden he gets hungry.   GEORGE: You know, a muffin can be very filling.   JERRY: I know!    [Courtroom]   NEWMAN: (interrogating Kramer) Mister Kramer, you heard the testimony so far. Would you please tell the court in your own words what happened on the afternoon of September 10th?   KRAMER: What do you mean 'my own words'? Whose words are they gonna be?   NEWMAN: You know what I mean.   KRAMER: (to Judge) I was very upset that day.   NEWMAN: And why was that?   KRAMER: (to Newman) Would you let me say it? Let me talk!   NEWMAN: All right, all right. Go ahead, go ahead.   KRAMER: All right.   NEWMAN: Okay.   KRAMER: (to Judge) I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker.   NEWMAN: And that failure to become a banker was eating at you. Eating-eating-eating at you inside.   KRAMER: (not convincing) Uh, yeah.   NEWMAN: It was your family that pushed you into banking , it was their dream for you...   JUDGE: Mister Newman.   NEWMAN: Your Honor, I'm only trying to establish Mister Kramer's fragile emotional state, my entire case depends on it.   JUDGE: Uh, continue.   NEWMAN: As you were saying, Mister Kramer...   KRAMER: What was the question?   NEWMAN: You're telling how your parents pushed you into banking.   KRAMER: Uh, well, my father when I was a kid, he took me to the bank and he lifted me up and he pointed to the teller and he said: 'Sonny boy, take a good look at him, that's gonna be you some day.'   NEWMAN: But you never became a banker, did you Mister Kramer? Why? Why did you fail?   KRAMER: I don't know.   NEWMAN: It was because you hated your father and you would do anything to displease him. Isn't THAT true?   JUDGE: Uh, could you get to the speeding?   NEWMAN: Yuh, yes. I intend to Your Honor. And then, on the afternoon of September 10th, you received a phone call did you not?   KRAMER: (puzzled) Phone call?   NEWMAN: Yes, a phone call!   KRAMER: From who?   NEWMAN: From me!   KRAMER: From you?   NEWMAN: Yes, from me!! I called you remember?   KRAMER: You called me?   NEWMAN: Yes, I called you, you idiot! Because you were going to... You were going to... Remember?   KRAMER: what?   NEWMAN: You were going to...   (Mimmicks hanging himself, growing hysterical as only Newman can)   You were going to do something   (Mimmicks stabbing himself in stomach and jerking the knife around) to yourself! You were going to do something to yourself! Remember the banking? The banking, about the banking, about the banking!!!   JUDGE: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call a---   NEWMAN: Yes, the banker!!!   KRAMER: What banking?   NEWMAN: A banker! A banker! Your Honor, Your Honor, Your Honor...   JUDGE: That's enough already.   NEWMAN: Your Honor, Mister Kramer's obviously very distraught.   KRAMER: I'm distraught!?! Wooh-wooh-hoo!   NEWMAN: (to Kramer) You shut up! (to judge) I demand a recess so I can take him outside and help him regain hius composure.   JUDGE: That'll be seventy-five dollars.   NEWMAN: (Strangling Kramer) What's the matter with you? We had it all worked out!   (They fall on their backs. Kramer knocks the flag on judge.)    [Coffee shop]   JERRY: Do you see him?   GEORGE: I'm not* sure.   JERRY: Well, either you see him or you don't.   GEORGE: All right. I don't.   JERRY: (looking at the cop) What is he doing? Is he getting coffee? I think he's getting coffee.!   GEORGE: What's with this guy?   (Jerry walks to the counter)   JERRY: (still bossy) Did you just order coffee?   COP: Yeah.   JERRY: This is really too much.   COP: What is your problem?   JERRY: Well, I'm sitting over there waiting for you to finish your sandwich for twenty minutes. Now you're drinking coffee, that's gonna be another ten minutes.   COP: Well, you're just gonna have to wait.   (Enter Kramer and Newman)   KRAMER: Never said anything about the banking.   NEWMAN: You're off your rocker.   JERRY: Hey you guys!   KRAMER: Hey!   JERRY: What are you doing here?   KRAMER: What are YOU doing here?   JERRY: Hey, is Davola outside?   KRAMER: Davola?   JERRY: Yeah.   KRAMER: No, I didn't see him.   NEWMAN: Crazy Joe Davola?   GEORGE: (reading the tabs) Jerry, yours is eleven dollars.   JERRY: Eleven dollars for what?   GEORGE: Muffin, sandwich and coffee!   JERRY: (to Kramer) Hey, NBC okayed our idea. We're gonna make the pilot.   KRAMER: You're gonna do the circus freak show, uh?   JERRY: No.   NEWMAN: Pilot? So what do you make for something like that? Fifty? Sixty thousand?   GEORGE: What's the difference? The money is not important.   JERRY: (looking outside) Hey Newman, is that your red car?   NEWMAN: Yeah.   JERRY: I think you're getting a ticket.   NEWMAN: Deh!   KRAMER: Run, run! Go, go, go!   (Newman runs outside)   NEWMAN: Hey! What are you doing? It's after six o'clock! You can't give me a ticket! Hey, you're not gonna get away with this. I'll fight this. I got witnesses.   KRAMER: I saw the whole thing!   JERRY: Maybe this whole thing would be a good idea for the pilot.   GEORGE: Ah, get outta here. The vomiting is much funnier.   JERRY: Oh, like you know what you're talking about!   GEORGE: No, YOU do!    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 68 - The Sniffing Accountant  pc: 504, season 5, episode 4  Broadcast date: October 7, 1993   Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld  Directed by Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   John Kapelos ....................... Barry  Marty Rackham .................. Jake Jarmel  Patrick Cronin .................... Farkus  Christa Miller ...................... Ellen  Ralph Harris Jr. ................... Ralph  Maria Stanton ..................... Woman in Diner  Deck McKenzie ................... Mitch  rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman  rc: Estelle Harris ................. Estelle Costanza  rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... Frank Costanza  rc: Richard Fancy ................ Mr. Lippman   ==================================================================   [Opening Monologue]   To me government is basically parents or adults... especially the IRS, the IRS is like Ward and June Cleaver, and we're all Wally and the Beaver and your accountant is Eddy Hascal showing you all these neat tricks to get away with stuff. Which is fine unless you get audited then you don't want some wise guy in a suit just standing there going 'You have a very lovely office here sir.' Because jail is the government's way of sending you to your room and when you meet Whitey and Lumpy in the joint, there's really gonna be something wrong with the Beaver.     [Monk's]   (Jerry, George and Elaine at he booth behind the cash register)   JERRY: So, does he like you?   ELAINE: What do you think?   JERRY: You like him?   ELAINE: Yeah, yeah like him, definitely like him. I like him a lot.   GEORGE: So, what's wrong with him?   ELAINE: Nothing, and I've looked.   GEORGE: Well, I'm sure you'll find something.   JERRY: So, how did you meet him?   ELAINE: In the office.   JERRY: So, he's a writer.   ELAINE: Yeah.   JERRY: Yeah, big surprise.   ELAINE: So, I was sitting at the reception desk, I was looking pretty hot. I was wearing my sling back pumps.   GEORGE: What are those?   ELAINE: Ask your mother, (making fun of George's living situation) you live with her now, don't you? Anyway, so then this guy comes up to me and starts feeling my jacket through his thumb and his forefinger like this.   (Elaine feels George's material)   JERRY: So, what did you do?   ELAINE: I said: "So, what do you think?". And he said, "Gabardine?". And I said, "Yeah." That was it.   GEORGE: Wow, just felt your material?   ELAINE: Yeah...Jake Jarmel.   GEORGE: Sounds like a cool guy.   JERRY: Sounds like a jerk. Felt your material, come on.   GEORGE: Jerry, where did you get that sweater?   JERRY: Oh, what do you think? I found it at the back of my closet.   GEORGE: I think that's what the back of closets are for.   (Elaine looks out the window)   ELAINE: Hey, that's Barry. Look it's Barry. (taps on the window)   JERRY: (taps on the window) Hey...   ELAINE: Hi.   GEORGE: Who's that?   JERRY: That's Barry Prophet, he's our accountant.   GEORGE: I don't know how you can let this guy handle all your money.   ELAINE: Oh, he doesn't handle my money, he handles Jerry's money. He just does my taxes.   (Barry comes in)   JERRY: Hey Barry, how you doing?   BARRY: Hey, how are you?   (Jerry and Barry shake hands)   JERRY: This is my friend George.   BARRY: Hi George. (shakes George's hand)   ELAINE: Hi, what are you doing on this neighborhood?   BARRY: Nothing really. (sniffs; looks around) You, eh, you eat here?   JERRY: Yeah, so how's my money?   BARRY: Well it's still green. (sniffs twice)   JERRY: What, you got a cold?   BARRY: No, no.   ELAINE: Wow, look at that ring.   BARRY: (showing off the ring to Elaine) Oh, uh you like that? (Elaine not amused gives Barry a polite laugh; Barry sniffs) Say uh, where's the bathroom?   JERRY: Bathroom uh, bathroom's uh right over there.   BARRY: (turns looking in the direction Jerry mentioned) Oh, great.   (Barry goes to bathroom)   JERRY: Did you see that?   ELAINE: See what?   GEORGE: Yes, I saw that.   ELAINE: What?   JERRY: What was all that sniffing?   ELAINE: I don't know.   JERRY: You don't think...?   ELAINE: Oh, no! Come on Jerry.   GEORGE: He was definitely sniffing.   JERRY: I mean what if, what if, this this guy has got all my money. Plus he has got some Kramer's money with him. This guy could write checks to himself right out of my account.   ELAINE: No, I have known this guy since college. He doesn't do drugs.   JERRY: Then, what was all that sniffing?   ELAINE: Maybe it's the cold weather.   JERRY: Today's not cold.   GEORGE: All right, I gotta get going. My parents are expecting me.   ELAINE: (making fun of George as he leaves) Don't forget to wash your hands before supper.     [Costanza's. George, Estelle and Frank are eating dinner. George is pounding a ketchup bottle.]   FRANK: Why do you need all that ketchup for?   GEORGE: This is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup just so I could have as much as I want.   FRANK: So I, I talked to Phil Casacof today.   ESTELLE: Phil Casacof?   FRANK: Yeah, you know my friend, the bra salesman. He says they are looking maybe to put somebody on so I got you an interview next Friday with his boss.   GEORGE: Next Friday, what time?   FRANK: 2 o'clock.   GEORGE: That's my whole afternoon! I was going to look for sneakers.   FRANK: You can look for sneakers the next day!   ESTELLE: He doesn't know anything about bras.   GEORGE: I know a little. Besides, what do you have to know?   FRANK: Well, it wouldn't hurt to go in the and be able to discuss it intelligently. Maybe you should take a look at a few bras? (to Estelle) Where is you bra? Give him a bra to look.   ESTELLE: I am not giving him a bra.   FRANK: Why not?   ESTELLE: Because I don't need him looking at my bra.   FRANK: Why, so he'll go to the interview and he wouldn't know what he's talking about!?!   GEORGE: Do we have to...?   FRANK: You don't even know what they're made from.   GEORGE: They are made from lycra-spandex.   FRANK: Get out of here! Lycra-spandex?   ESTELLE: I think they are made from lycra-spandex.   FRANK: Wanna bet? How much you wanna bet?   ESTELLE: I'm not betting!   FRANK: Take a look.   ESTELLE: All right, I'll get a bra.   (Estelle leaves)   FRANK: (Yelling to Estelle as she leaves)I don't know what the big problem is getting a bra?!   GEORGE: She doesn't want to get a bra.   FRANK: I'm not saying go to the library and read the whole history, but it wouldn't kill you to know a little bit about it.   GEORGE: All right, it wouldn't kill me.   FRANK: How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the uh cup sizes and all? They have different cups.   GEORGE: Yea I-I know about the cups.   FRANK: You got the A, the B, the C and the D. That's the biggest.   GEORGE: I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.   ESTELLE: Here, here's the bra.   FRANK: Let me see it.   ESTELLE: (reading the bra) 100% lycra-spandex.   FRANK: Let me see it.   ESTELLE: I told you. Here, think you know everything?   FRANK: Hmm, that's surprising. All right, what else? You got the cups in the front, two loops in the back. All right, a guess that's about it.   GEORGE: I got it. Cups in the front, loops in the back. (puts the bra on the table)   ESTELLE: You got ketchup on it!   (George takes his plate and the ketchup and leaves.)     [5A. Jerry and Kramer.]   KRAMER: Sniffing, what do you mean sniffing?   JERRY: Sniffing, with his nose.   KRAMER: Jerry, he probably had a cold.   JERRY: No, I asked him.   KRAMER: So, what are you saying?   JERRY: I don't know, you know, what if...?   KRAMER: Drugs? You think he's on drugs?   JERRY: I don't know.   KRAMER: Jerry   JERRY: All I know he was sniffing.   KRAMER: Listen, we went in on a CD together.   JERRY: I know.   KRAMER: And Newman gave you money too. So, I didn't even meet this guy. You know, we trusted you.   JERRY: Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything yet, it just means he was sniffing.   KRAMER: Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'?   JERRY: No, he didn't use 'man'.   KRAMER: I mean when he was leaving did he say "I'm splittin'"?   JERRY: No, but in one point he did use the bathroom.   KRAMER: Whoh!   JERRY: Do you think that's a bad sign?   KRAMER: Yes!! Yes, that's what they do! They live in the bathroom! All right, what are we going to do? We are going to get our money back, right?   JERRY: I don't know. (takes off his sweater) This sweater really itches me. You want it?   KRAMER: (grabbing the sweater) Yeah.     [Elaine's apartment. Jake is there and Elaine comes in.]   ELAINE: Hello.... hello, oh...   JAKE: Well, you notice anything?   ELAINE: You have cleaned out the whole apartment and you're making dinner. You're perfect, you're a perfect man.   (Jake feels Elaine's coat material.)   JAKE: Ooh...   ELAINE: Did anyone call?   JAKE: You got a few messages, I wrote them down.   ELAINE: Where are they?   JAKE: Lets see, they are (looking for the paper; finds it; hands it to Elaine) here they are.   ELAINE: Thank you. (looking at the messages) Oh ya, heh, I'll call you back. Ooh, Myra had the baby! Oh, my God that's wonderful! Who called?   JAKE: She did.   ELAINE: She did? Oh, that's so great!   JAKE: Where do you keep the corkscrew?   ELAINE: In the drawer on the right. Hmm...   JAKE: What?   ELAINE: Nah it's nothing.   JAKE: What is it?   ELAINE: It's nothing.   JAKE: Tell me.   ELAINE: Well, I was just curious why you didn't use an exclamation point?   JAKE: What are you talking about?   ELAINE: See, right here you wrote "Myra had the baby", but you didn't use an exclamation point.   JAKE: So?   ELAINE: So, it's ya nothing. Forget it, forget it, I just find it curious.   JAKE: What's so curious about it?   ELAINE: Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.   JAKE: Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.   ELAINE: You don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point.   JAKE: Hey look, I just chalked down the message. I didn't know I was required to capture the mood of each caller.   ELAINE: I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.   JAKE: Ok, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points.   ELAINE: Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one!   JAKE: Well, you can put one on this one: I'm leaving!   (Elaine laughs as Jake leaves)     [5A. Jerry and Elaine]   JERRY: You're out of your mind you know that.   ELAINE: Why?   JERRY: It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it.   ELAINE: Well, I felt a call for one.   JERRY: A call for one, you know I thought I've heard everything. I've never heard a relationship being affected by a punctuation.   ELAINE: I found it very troubling that he didn't use one.   JERRY: George was right. Didn't take you long.   (Kramer enters)   KRAMER: Anything new with that guy on drugs?   ELAINE: Oh, he's not on drugs.   KRAMER: Then why the sniffing? Who walks around (sniff, sniff) sniffing?   ELAINE: All right, here, you call him right now. See if he's sniffing right now.   JERRY: Good idea. (Jerry calls Barry's office)   VOICE ON THE PHONE: Prophet and Goldstein.   JERRY: Yes, I'd like to speak to Barry Prophet, please.   VOICE: I'm sorry he's out of town this week.   JERRY: Out of town?   VOICE: Yes, he went to South America.   JERRY: South America?   KRAMER: South America?   JERRY: I'll call back, thank you. (hangs up the phone) He went to South America!   KRAMER: Yyyeeaaah!!   ELAINE: So what?   JERRY: Who goes to South America?   ELAINE: People go to South America.   JERRY: Yeah, and they come back with things taped to they're large intestine.   ELAINE: So, because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent?   JERRY: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.   KRAMER: Well, I say we're going to take our money right now!   (Newman enters)   NEWMAN: Hey, hey...   JERRY: Hello Newman.   NEWMAN: Hello Jerry. (to Kramer) So, any news?   KRAMER: Yeah, he skipped out and *ptruut* went to South America!   NEWMAN: South America?! (to Jerry) What kind of snow blower you get us mixed up with?   ELAINE: Look it, gentlemen. The fact remains you still have no proof. This is all speculation and hearsay.   KRAMER: Wait, there is one way to find out. We set up a sting. You know like Abscam. Like Abscam Jerry.   ELAINE: Ohh, what are you gonna do? You gonna put on phony beards and dress-up like Arab sheiks and sit around in some hotel room. I mean come on...   JERRY: Wait a second. Maybe there is someway we can tempt him and find out...   NEWMAN: If we put our three heads together we should come up with something.   (Jerry, Kramer and Newman begin thinking)     [Jerry's Car]   (Jerry, Kramer and Newman)   KRAMER: What's today?   NEWMAN: It's Thursday.   KRAMER: Really? Feels like Tuesday.   NEWMAN: Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel....   KRAMER: I feel Tuesday and Wednesday...   JERRY: All right, shut up the both of you! You're making me nervous. Where is he already? He should've been out of work by now.   NEWMAN: Hey, you know this is kind of fun.   KRAMER: Yeah, maybe we oughta become private detectives...   JERRY: Yeah maybe you should.   KRAMER: Maybe I will.   NEWMAN: Yeah, me too.   JERRY: All right, what are you gonna say to him?   KRAMER: Just gonna find out if he's interested.   NEWMAN: Hey, hey maybe I should go with him?   JERRY: No, you stay here in the car.   NEWMAN: Who made you the leader?   JERRY: All right Newman, one more peep outta you, you're out of the whole operation!   NEWMAN: Alright.   JERRY: There he is. He's going into that bar.   KRAMER: All right, I'm going in.   JERRY: Be careful Kramer.   (Kramer leaves)   NEWMAN: I shoulda gone in with him.   JERRY: No, you stay here in the car. I may need you.   NEWMAN: What you need me in the car for?   JERRY: I might need you to get me a soda.     [Bar]   (Barry is drinking by the counter. Kramer enters)   KRAMER: I'll have a brewsky, Charlie.   BARTENDER: The name's Mitch.   KRAMER: Oh, there's nothing like a cold one after a long day, eh?   BARRY: Yeah.   KRAMER: Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things. (Waiter opens the counter which hits Kramer on the head) Cigarette?   BARRY: (sniffs) No, I never touch them.   KRAMER: I suck'em down like Coca-Cola. Well here's to feeling good all the time. (Kramer drinks the beer and smokes the cigarette at the same time. Barry sniffs) Looks like you've got yourself a little cold there, eh fella?   BARRY: I don't think so.   KRAMER: Me neither.   (Kramer puts the cigarette back in his mouth the wrong way)     [Jerry's Car]   (Newman is now in the passenger seat)   JERRY: You should try this new dental floss Glide, it's fantastic.   NEWMAN: I use dental tape.   JERRY: You should try this.   NEWMAN: I don't wanna.   JERRY: Not even once?   NEWMAN: No.   JERRY: You're an idiot.   NEWMAN: Why, because I use dental tape?   JERRY: Right, anyone who uses dental tape is an idiot.     [Bar]   KRAMER: South America?   BARRY: Yeah, yeah.   KRAMER: Well that's a burgeoning continent.   BARRY: Well, they are expanding their economic base.   KRAMER: Tell me about it.   BARRY: (sniffs) Excuse me, I gotta goto the bathroom.   KRAMER: I'm hip.   BARRY: Hip to the what?   KRAMER: To the whole scene. (sniff)   BARRY: What scene?   KRAMER: The bathroom scene. (moves his knows as you would if you sniffed)   BARRY: Listen, don't take this personally, but when I'm coming back I'm sitting over there.   KRAMER: What ever turns you on.     [Jerry's Car]   (Newman takes a dental floss out of his mouth.)   NEWMAN: No, no I don't like it.   JERRY: What do you mean you don't like it? How could you not like it?   NEWMAN: I like the thick tape.   (Newman puts dental floss on the dashboard. Jerry looks disgusted.)     [Bar]   (Kramer enters the bathroom, kicks the door open and takes a photograph)   BARRY: Heeyy!! What kind of a nut are you?     [George's job interview.]   FARKUS: So, basically George the job here is quite simple. Selling bras.   GEORGE: Well, that interests me very much Mr. Farkus.Very much indeed, sir.   FARKUS: Have you ever sold a woman's line before?   GEORGE: No, but um I have very good report with women, very good, comfortable. And from the first time I laid eyes on a brassieres, I was enthralled.   FARKUS: Hum. tell me about it.   GEORGE: Well, I was 14 years old. I was in my friends bathroom. His mother's brassieres were hanging on the shower rod and I picked it up, studied it. I thought, I like this. I didn't know what way or what level, but I knew: I wanted to be around brassieres.   FARKUS: That's an incredible story. You have a remarkable passion for brassieres.   GEORGE: Well, they're more than an underwear to me Mr. Farkus. Two cups in the front, two loops in the back. How do they do it?   FARKUS: Well, I think I can say, barring some unforeseen incident, that you will have a very bright future here at E.D. Granmont.   GEORGE: Thank you Mr.Farkus, thank you very much indeed sir.   FARKUS: See you monday 9 o'clock.   GEORGE: If you don't mind, sir. I'll be here at 8.   FARKUS: Excellent.   GEORGE: So long, Mr. Farkus.   (George leaves the office and goes to the elevator. A women there is waiting for the elevator. George feels her blouse material.)   MS. DE GRANMONT: What you're think you're doing?   GEORGE: Oh, nothing...   MS. DE GRANMONT: Farkus, get out here!   FARKUS: Yes, Ms. De Granmont?   MS. DE GRANMONT: Farkus, who is this pervert little weasel?   FARKUS: Uh, this is Costanza, he's our new bra salesman. (George's offers his hand to shake) He's supposed to start on monday.   MS. DE GRANMONT: If he's here on monday, you're not. Take a pick.   FARKUS: (to George): Get out! (to Ms. De Granmont) I'm terribly sorry Ms. De Granmont...     [Pendant publishing. Elaine is at Lippman's office.]   ELAINE: You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman?   LIPPMAN: I was just uh going over the Jake Jarmel book and I understand you worked with him very closely on this.   ELAINE: Yes (clears her throat) yes I did.   LIPPMAN: And uh, anyway I was just reading your final edit and um, there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points.   ELAINE: Uh well um, I felt that the writing lacked certain emotion and intensity.   LIPPMAN: Ah, (reads an excerpt) "It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"   ELAINE: Right, well...   LIPPMAN: You put exclamation point after sweatshirt?   ELAINE: That's that's correct, I-I felt that the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly...   LIPPMAN: I see, (reads another excerpt) "I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!" Exclamation point?   ELAINE: Well, yeah, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then (prrt) nothing comes out...   LIPPMAN: Get rid of the exclamation points...   ELAINE: Ok, ok ok ...   LIPPMAN: I hate exclamation points...   ELAINE: ...ok I'll just....    [5A. Jerry, Kramer, Newman writing a letter. Elaine reads on the couch.]   JERRY: 'Dear Barry. Consider this letter to be official termination of our relationship effective immediately.'   KRAMER: Exclamation point.   ELAINE: You still have no proof.   KRAMER: Elaine, he was sniffing like crazy around me.   JERRY: 'I will expect all funds in form of cashier checks no later than the 18th'.   KRAMER: Double exclamation point!   NEWMAN: Will that take care of ours too?   JERRY: Yeah, I'll give you yours as soon as I get my money back.   NEWMAN: Hey, you want me to mail it? I'm on my way out anyway.   JERRY: Yeah, thanks.   NEWMAN: It'll be my pleasure.   (Kramer puts the photograph in the envelope. Newman and Kramer laughs and Newman leaves.)   NEWMAN: See'ya later.   JERRY: You know this...   (Knock on the door. It's pizzaguy)   KRAMER: Hey, Ralph.   JERRY: Hi Ralph.   RALPH: What's up fellas? That'll be 14.30.   JERRY: All right.   KRAMER: Mushrooms, you got mushrooms Jerry?   JERRY: Yeah.   (Ralph sniffs and rubs his eyes.)   KRAMER: What's the matter? You've got a cold?   RALPH: No man (sniffs again) Kramer, what is this?   KRAMER: It's a sweater.   RALPH: What is it made out of?   KRAMER: I don't know, Jerry gave it to me.   JERRY: Mohair, I think.   RALPH: Mohair, that figures, I'm allergic to mohair.   JERRY: You mean you just started sniffing?   RALPH: Yeah, mohair does it to me every time.   (Ralph leaves)   JERRY: I was wearing that sweater in the coffee shop when Barry came in.   KRAMER: Jerry, I was wearing it in the bar.   ELAINE: The sweater! The sweater made him sniff! See, I told you he wasn't a drug addict.   JERRY: Oh no! The letter, Newman, it's got exclamation points all over it!   KRAMER: Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet.   (Jerry leaves the door and comes back second later)   JERRY: The what??   (Kramer looks very confused, and smiles at Jerry)     [Newman is taking the letter to the mailbox. There's a woman at same time at the letterbox.]   NEWMAN: After you.   WOMAN: Thank you.   (Newman feels the woman's coat material.)   WOMAN: Get your hands off of me! Johnny!!! Johnny!   (Newman rushes away dropping the letter on the ground. Johnny chases after him)     [Costanza's]   FRANK: What do you mean you felt the material? What, with your fingers like this?   GEORGE: So what, what is so bad about that?   ESTELLE: Who goes around feeling people's material? What can be gained by feeling a person's material? It's insanity!   FRANK: What ever happened to "Why, that's a lovely dress you have on. May I have this dance?"!!     [Monk's]   (Kramer and Elaine at the booth behind the cash register)   ELAINE: You are really lucky Newman never mailed that letter.   (Jerry enters and tosses a letter on the table)   JERRY: Sorry I'm late, I just came from a meeting with my lawyer.   ELAINE: What is this?   JERRY: It's a letter from your friend Barry Prophet's lawyer.   ELAINE: He is filing a chapter eleven. Why, what's going on, why is he filing a chapter eleven?   JERRY: Bankruptcy, bankruptcy...as in I've taken your money and spent it on drugs!   ELAINE: What do you mean, I thought it was the sweater.   KRAMER: All right, What about the money?   JERRY: What about the money? Apparently if I had dissolved my relationship with him prior to his filing chapter eleven, I've could've got the money back. Which I would've done, if a certain imbecile had been able to get to a mailbox and mail a letter!!   (Newman enters and goes to the counter.)   NEWMAN: Pair of bear claws, please.   (Jerry approaches Newman, but some women comes between and feels Jerry's shirt.)   WOMAN: Nice.   JERRY: Think so?   WOMAN: Yeah, what is it?   JERRY: Half silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong?     [Closing Monologue]   My accountant actually did take a big chunk of money from me and use it to buy drugs and the thing that was hardest for me to comprehend about this is the life choice of drug abuse and accounting. But actually it makes sense I mean why would an athlete or a musician take drugs? They have an interesting job but an accountant if ever a job required some hallucinogenic support this is the job. That should be the legal defense, you're in court "You're charged with possession of illegal narcotics" "But you're honor, I'm an accountant." "Bang, case closed. Bailiff give this man back his peyote buttons and tequila back for the drive home. Sorry to bother you sir, terribly sorry."      The End<|endoftext|>Episode 75 - The Conversion  pc: 511, season 5, episode 11  Broadcast date: December 16, 1993   Written by Bruce Kirschbaum  Directed by Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Kay E. Kuter  ...................... Older Priest  Molly Hagan ....................... Sister Roberta  Tom Verica ......................... Doctor  Kimberley Campbell ............ Tawni  Jana Marie Hupp   .............. Sasha  Bill Rose .............................. Younger Priest  Randy Brenner ................... Waiter  Darlene Kardon .................. Mrs. Lupchek  Karen Rizzo. ....................... Woman Hailing Cab  rc: Jerry Stiller ..................... Frank Costanza  rc: Estelle Harris ................. Estelle Costanza   ==================================================================   [Opening Monologue]    JERRY: You know doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. But it’s really like one of the only jobs where you have to have your diploma right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn’t it? "I really am a doctor you know. You think I’m not, just check it out." I don’t know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage over us all the time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes, and I’ll give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with pants on seems like they know what they’re talking about. In any difference of opinion, pants always beats no-pants.     [At a restaurant.]    GEORGE: Can I say one word to you? Lobster. The lobster here is unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive.    SASHA: Twenty five dollars.    GEORGE: Yes, well, you know, I’m not thinking about the price. You know you’re the only woman I’ve never thought about the price. Get the lobster. I beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster.    SASHA: George, George, uh, I think we have to talk. I think we have a problem.    GEORGE: We do?    SASHA: We can’t keep seeing each other.    GEORGE: Why?    SASHA: (crying) Because it’s over. (sob, sob, sob) It’s my parents George, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you ever forgive me? (sob)    WAITER:: Uh, have you decided yet?    SASHA: (crying) Yes. I’ll have the lobster.    GEORGE: Um, you know I’m starting to think that maybe lobster isn’t the way to go.     [The hallway outside Jerry’s apartment.]    JERRY: Then he asked you out?    ELAINE: We started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then he put his hand on my heart.    JERRY: On your heart?    ELAINE: Jerry, the man is a doctor.    JERRY: Doctor? He’s a podiatrist.    ELAINE: So, it’s the same thing.    JERRY: Anyone can get into podiatry school. George got into podiatry school.    ELAINE: Really?    TAWNI: Hello.    JERRY: Oh hi.    TAWNI: Are you going to be stopping by later?    JERRY: Yes, I’ll be stopping.    TAWNI: Ok, see you later.   JERRY: See you later. (to Elaine) Well we can’t all be dating podiatrists. (Elaine laughs)   (They enter Jerry’s apartment. George is laying on the couch)    GEORGE: It’s over.    ELAINE: What?    JERRY: How did you get in?    GEORGE: Kramer.    ELAINE: What’s that? (points at some foil on the table)   GEORGE: Lobster.    JERRY: Looks like a swan.    GEORGE: She says we can’t go out anymore.    ELAINE: Why?    GEORGE: Because I’m not Latvian Orthodox. Her parents won’t let her get involved with anyone who isn’t Latvian Orthodox.    ELAINE: Latvian Orthodox? (gasps) Mmm, it is lobster.    JERRY: She’s limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? Too bad.    GEORGE: I know. This was the only woman I never lied to. Well that’s not entirely true.    (Jerry hands Elaine a folk and they dig into the lobster)   JERRY: Oh, whatever.   ELAINE: Mmm, this is delicious.    JERRY: Mmm, succulent.    GEORGE: She knew I didn’t have a job, she knew I lived at home. Didn’t seem to bother her. I think I could have married this woman.    ELAINE: Why don’t you just ask her parents?    GEORGE: I can’t. I met them. They’re devout. You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.    JERRY: To Latvian Orthodox?    GEORGE: Why not? What do I care?    JERRY: You know it’s not like changing toothpaste.    ELAINE: I think it would be romantic.    GEORGE: Really?    ELAINE: Yeah, it’s like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.    GEORGE: King Edward. (snapping his fingers) King Edward, Jerry.    JERRY: Yeah well King Edward didn’t live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.    GEORGE: You know what? I could probably do this. What’s the difference.    ELAINE: George I was just kidding around.    GEORGE: No. I wouldn’t even have to tell her. I could surprise her.    ELAINE: George I wasn’t serious.    GEORGE: How hard could it be? You make a little contribution, you have a ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am really going to think about this.    (George leaves.)    ELAINE: I guess this one is my fault.    JERRY: Oh yeah.     [At Tawni’s apartment]    TAWNI: (kiss, kiss, kiss) Oh that was nice. Have you always been such a good kisser?    JERRY: Oh I don’t know. Not always. No I uh I had to work at it. When I was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in my room practicing my kissing.    TAWNI: Well it was worth it. (kiss) I’ll be (kiss) right (kiss) back (kiss). Where are you going?    JERRY: To wash my hands. They’re sticky from the orange.    TAWNI: Meet you back here?    JERRY: Right there.    (Jerry goes into the bathroom and washes his hands. He sees the medicine cabinet open slightly and peeks in. )   JERRY: (thinking to himself; picks up a tube) "Fungicide". Fungus?     [At Monk’s.]    (Jerry, Kramer, and Elaine eating at the normal booth)   JERRY: Fungicide. I mean what could she have?    ELAINE: I don’t know.    KRAMER: Fungus.    JERRY: Exactly   ELAINE: So what did you say?    JERRY: I said I was coming down with the flu or something and I had to go home.    ELAINE: I don't know, what were you doing opening her medicine cabinet?    JERRY: I didn’t open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little.    ELAINE: You were snooping.    JERRY: I was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking and entering. I wouldn’t do that.    KRAMER: I would. I always open medicine cabinets.    ELAINE: Well I trust people not to do that.    KRAMER: Big mistake.    JERRY: Why don’t you ask that doctor what it is?    ELAINE: What? Now he’s a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist.    JERRY: But that’s what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. They’re knee- deep in fungus. This guy knows fungus.    ELAINE: I am not going to ask him about funguses.    KRAMER: Fungi.    JERRY: What?    KRAMER: Fungi.     [In the priest’s office.]    FATHER-PRIEST: Why do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox faith?    GEORGE: (ahem) In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man begins to ask himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words something so um… (trying to think of a word)    FATHER-PRIEST: Enigmatic?    GEORGE: No.    FATHER-PRIEST: Vast? (he pronounces it as "vost")    GEORGE: No not vast (he pronounces it as "vost")    FATHER-PRIEST: Well whatever it is, basically you like the religion.    GEORGE: Yes.    FATHER-PRIEST 2: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?    GEORGE: (he thinks) I think the hats. The hat conveys that solemn religious look you want in a faith. Very pious.    FATHER-PRIEST: Are you familiar with Orthodox theology?    GEORGE: Well perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know the basic plot. Yeah.    FATHER-PRIEST: Plot?    GEORGE: Yes. You know the uh flood, and the uh lepers, and the commandments and all that.    FATHER-PRIEST 2: Well it’s obvious that you are sincere in your desire.    GEORGE: Oh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh, pffft, am I in?    FATHER-PRIEST: The first step would be to familiarize yourself with these texts (brings out a pile of books).    GEORGE: Ah hah. You see Father, I’m I’m incredibly anxious to become a member. Um, don’t you offer any kind of an express conversion? A quick change?    (Sister Roberta enters)   SISTER ROBERTA: Oh I’m sorry. Father, there’s a man waiting in the chapel.    FATHER-PRIEST: You may attend to it Sister, oh this is George Costanza. He is interested in joining the church.    SISTER ROBERTA: Oh are you? That’s wonderful. Well good luck to you.    (They bow back and forth; Sister Roberta leaves)   GEORGE: Nice nun.    FATHER-PRIEST: No, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She is what we call a novice.    FATHER-PRIEST 2: She won’t be taking her final vows until next Thursday.     [In the chapel.]   SISTER ROBERTA: May I help you?    KRAMER: Oh yeah, I’m here to pick up my friend George Costanza.    SISTER ROBERTA: Well he’s in with the Father.    KRAMER: Oh yeah.    SISTER ROBERTA: I’m Sister Roberta.    KRAMER: Oh. Kramer. Pleasure.    SISTER ROBERTA: Mine. (she smiles at Kramer)     [At Jerry’s apartment.]    (George and Jerry in the kitchen area; George is taking a small cake out of a box)   GEORGE: I can’t believe how easy it is. I’m virtually Orthodox. All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I’m in the club.    JERRY: That’s all there is to it.    GEORGE: That’s all there is to it. By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza.    JERRY: And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?    GEORGE: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.    (Kramer enters. He is flinging a slinky.)    JERRY: Oh a slinky.   KRAMER: Sister Roberta gave it to me.    JERRY: Why did she give you that?    KRAMER: I think she liked me.    JERRY: What do you mean she liked you?    KRAMER: Liked me.    GEORGE: Kramer, they like everybody. They’re friendly people.    KRAMER: No. I think I picked up on a vibe.    JERRY: You picked up on a vibe, from a nun.    KRAMER: Yeah, Jerry I’m telling you I have this power. And I have no control over it.    JERRY: Yea alright.    (ringing sounds from Kramer's apartment)   KRAMER: Oh, that's my phone.   (Kramer leaves. Jerry’s girlfriend appears at the doorway.)    JERRY: Oh hi.    TAWNI: Hi, I just wanted to stop by and see how you were feeling.    JERRY: (weakly) A little better. (fake cough)    TAWNI: If you need anything let me know.    JERRY: Okay.   TAWNI: Okay.   JERRY: All right.   TAWNI: Bye.   JERRY: Bye.   (Tawni leaves; Jerry closes the door)   GEORGE: Story.    JERRY: She’s subletting Carol’s place for a month.    GEORGE: Yea, she likes you.    JERRY: Yeah but there’s a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide in her medicine cabinet.    GEORGE: So?    JERRY: So I don’t know what she’s using it for.    GEORGE: Well how do you even know it’s hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol. Did you see a name on the tube?    JERRY: I didn’t even think to look.    GEORGE: Well take a look. It might not even belong to her.    JERRY: Yeah.    GEORGE: People always leave old things in their medicine cabinet.    JERRY: Yeah I’ve got this old bottle of cough medicine.    GEORGE: I still have brill cream.     [At Tawni’s apartment. ]   (Jerry knocks on the door )   (knock, knock, knock)    JERRY: Hi   TAWNI: Hi.    JERRY: Hi. Can I use your bathroom?     [At the doctor’s apartment.]    ELAINE: You sure you don’t mind?    DOCTOR: No of course not. People ask me medical questions all the time.    ELAINE: Well I mean the question isn’t even for me it’s for a friend.    DOCTOR: Elaine, I’m used to it. I’m a doctor.    ELAINE: Well… podiatrist.    DOCTOR: Huh?    ELAINE: No no, I’m just saying you didn’t really go to medical school, you went to podiatry school. Which I’m sure is very grueling in it’s own way.    DOCTOR: I went to podiatry school because I like feet. I chose to work with feet.    ELAINE: I like feet too. I’m just saying…    DOCTOR: Saying what?     [In Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment. ]   (She knocks on the bathroom door.)    (knock, knock, knock)    TAWNI: How are you doing in there?    JERRY: Fine all done, just looking for the soap.    (Jerry is looking around for the bottle of fungicide.)    TAWNI: No soap?    JERRY: No I don’t see it.    (Jerry finds the bottle of fungicide and picks it up. Jerry’s girlfriend enters the bathroom with soap. Hastily, Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in his pocket.)    TAWNI: (giving Jerry the soap) Here you go.     [At George’s parent’s house.]    (George is in the bathroom with his Latvian Orthodox books.)    (knock, knock, knock)    ESTELLE: George what are you doing in there?    GEORGE: What? Nothing.    FRANK: You’ve been in there an hour.    ESTELLE: You don’t feel well?    GEORGE: I’m fine.    ESTELLE: I want to know what you’re doing in there.    GEORGE: Nothing.    FRANK: George, open the door.    GEORGE: No.    ESTELLE: Georgie.    GEORGE: No!     [At Kramer’s apartment.]    (Sister Roberta is knocking on the door.)    (knock, knock, knock)    KRAMER: Hey.    SISTER ROBERTA: Good evening. I hope I’m not disturbing you, but I found another toy I thought you might like.     [At Jerry’s Apartment.]    JERRY: Okay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? And I’ll need that in the form of a question.    GEORGE: I don’t know. I can’t believe they’re making me take this test.    (Elaine enters.)    JERRY: Hey, did you talk to the doctor?    ELAINE: No.    JERRY: All right, the next time you see him show him this. (He presents the bottle of fungicide.)    ELAINE: You took her medicine.    JERRY: Not on purpose. I was hoping there would be a name on the tube. When are you seeing him again?    ELAINE: I don’t know. We got into this whole thing about how podiatrists aren’t real doctors.    JERRY: How could you say that?    ELAINE: It’s you fault. You just got me thinking.    JERRY: I was merely speaking extemporaneously.    ELAINE: I’ve got nothing against the foot. I’m pro-foot.    JERRY: Me too.    ELAINE: Do you think I should call him and apologize?    JERRY: Yes. He’s a doctor. (Elaine starts to leave. ) Wait a second. (Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaine’s purse.) (to George) What are you doing?    GEORGE: What does it look like I’m doing?    JERRY: (Reading words George wrote on his hand) "Matthew, Luke, Paul", what you’re cheating on your conversion chest?    (Kramer enters.)    KRAMER: I told you.    JERRY: What?    KRAMER: I told you she liked me.    JERRY: Who?    KRAMER: Sister Roberta.    JERRY: How do you know?    KRAMER: She told me. She said she’s never had a man stir up all of these feelings inside of her. She’s questioning her faith. She’s thinking of leaving the church.    JERRY: Wow   KRAMER: Oh, uh, this power. I’m dangerous Jerry, I’m very very dangerous.     [At the priest’s office.]    FATHER-PRIEST: I must say George, I was somewhat surprised at the results of your conversion test. I don’t recall having seen such an impressive performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord.    GEORGE: Oh, I’m I’m full of it Father.    FATHER-PRIEST 2: (muttering something to Father-Priest 1) …(mumble)… Kramer …(mumble)…    FATHER-PRIEST: Yes, yes I see. (To George) I’m sorry something has come up.    GEORGE: Oh, I understand. (George exits; Sees Kramer in the hallway) Hey.   KRAMER: (rushed) Yea, Hey. (Kramer enters.) Um, you wanted to see me Father?    FATHER-PRIEST: Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta came to see me yesterday.    KRAMER: I know what this is about Father. I didn’t do anything. I just spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It’s just that, that I have this power.    FATHER-PRIEST: Yes. Kavorka.    KRAMER: Kavorka?    FATHER-PRIEST: It is a Latvian word which means "the lure of the animal".    KRAMER: I don’t understand.    FATHER-PRIEST: Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be possessed by you.    KRAMER: Help me Father. Help me.    FATHER-PRIEST: Yes, yes I will help you. Listen very carefully. I want you to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces…     [The hallway by Jerry’s apartment]   JERRY: What is that stench? I got it. (He follows the smell to Kramer’s door) Ah hah.    (knock, knock, knock)    (Kramer opens his door. He is wearing a ring of garlics around his neck.)    KRAMER: Hey.    JERRY: Hey. What are you doing?    KRAMER: I’ve got the Kavorka Jerry.    JERRY: The Kavorka? What’s that?    KRAMER: The lure of the animal. I’m dangerous.    JERRY: What is this thing around your neck?    KRAMER: The priests they’re helping me. I just bathed in vinegar.    JERRY: You know you’re funcifying the whole building.    KRAMER: Keep away Jerry. Keep away.    (He closes his door.)    JERRY: Kramer. (knock, knock, knock) Kramer.     [At the entrance of the church. There is a sign there. It reads: CONVERSION CEREMONY - FOR - GEORGE COSTANZA - 3:P.M. The sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters.]   (A woman reads the sign.)    WOMAN: George Costanza? Estelle’s son?     [At George’s parent’s house.]    ESTELLE: Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?    GEORGE: For a woman.    FRANK: A woman? What are you out of your mind?    ESTELLE: Why can’t you do anything like a normal person?    FRANK: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?    GEORGE: No it’s a regular religion.    FRANK: I’m calling my lawyer. It might not be too late to get out of this.    GEORGE: I don’t want to get out of it.    ESTELLE: Bu George, you don’t know what you’re saying. You’re under their control.    FRANK: What, they brainwashed you?    GEORGE: No no.    FRANK: You’re not performing any rituals in this house.    ESTELLE: Go back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.    FRANK: And stay away from those squirrels.     [At Tawni’s apartment.]    TAWNI: Oh how you doing Jerry?    JERRY: Good. What’s the matter?    TAWNI: I’m tired. I hardly slept last night with all this scratching. Bonkers was going crazy.    JERRY: Bonkers?    TAWNI: My cat. He’s got this weird sort of skin condition. Some type of fungus, I couldn’t find his medicine.    JERRY: Oh it’s your cat!    TAWNI: What?    JERRY: Ooh, nothing.     [At the church.]   FATHER-PRIEST: Are you ready my son?    GEORGE: Yes faddah.    FATHER-PRIEST: What did you say?    GEORGE: What?    FATHER-PRIEST: I thought you said faddah.    GEORGE: I said faddah, I meant Father. Just a little bit nervous.    FATHER-PRIEST: Ooh, of course.    [Outside on a sidewalk.]    (A woman is waiting for a cab. Kramer walks up to her.)    KRAMER: How you doing?    WOMAN: Get away from me you creep. (She walks away.)    KRAMER: Yes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta I’ve still got time to catch her.     [At the church. It is George’s conversion ceremony.]    (Church music plays. George is dressed in a white church gown. He walks down the church aisle carrying a candle. Father-priest says some Latvian words. Kramer is running down the street going to the church. The church music is still playing. George takes a drink of some wine. He spills some on his gown. He makes a hand motion on his gown. Kramer is still running to the church.)    FATHER-PRIEST: Congratulations George. Welcome to the faith. Sister Roberta would you please offer the final benediction.    SISTER ROBERTA: (hesitates) I can’t. (crowd murmurs) I’m sorry. It’s a beautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something else.    (Kramer enters the church.)    SISTER ROBERTA: Him.    CROWD: Kavorka, Kavorka.     [At Elaine’s apartment.]    ELAINE: (kiss, kiss) You know, because I love the foot. I’m a big fan of the foot.    DOCTOR: Well it’s my fault. I got a little defensive.    ELAINE: And that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable is the pinkie toe.    DOCTOR: It’s my favorite toe.    ELAINE: Let’s face it, you get a bunion, where are you going? You’re not going to the ear guy.    DOCTOR: No you’re not.    (phone rings)    ELAINE: I’ll be right back.    DOCTOR: Oh uh, where’s the bathroom?    ELAINE: It’s right down here to the left. I will uh meet you right back here.    JERRY: Elaine it’s her cat. Her cat had the fungus. So I need the tube back.    (The doctor is in Elaine’s bathroom. He peeks into the medicine cabinet and finds the tube of fungicide.)   DOCTOR: (Thinking to himself) "Fungicide"? Fungus?     [At the church]   SISTER ROBERTA: Something’s wrong. I don’t feel the same lure.    KRAMER: You don’t?    SISTER ROBERTA: What have I…? I must return to the church. By the way you really need to take a bath. You stink.    KRAMER: Yeah yeah.     [Closing Monologue]   JERRY: But once you put medicine in your medicine cabinet you're never using it again. Any medicine you're using, is on the sink. It's not really even a medicine cabinet, it's really like an ointment museum isn't it? It's like here's a saff from 1983, some cream from the 70s. But you want to keep it private, because a medicine cabinet is a place that reveals our weaknesses and it can really throw off the balance between two people that might be going out. Somebody peeks in there, "Oh I see Mr. Perfect needs tough actin' Tinactin. Well I guess I'll be calling the shots in this relationship from now on."   [At Monk’s]   SASHA: For me?    GEORGE: Well I didn’t do it for my mother.    SASHA: I’m really flattered. But I just don’t feel ready to make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia.    GEORGE: Latvia?    SASHA: Yes. I’m going to stay with some relatives there for a year. Isn’t it great?    GEORGE: Enjoy, enjoy.    SASHA: Oh George, you are so sweet. Don’t ever change.    (She leaves)   GEORGE: I’d like a doggie bag for this please. (hands her plate to the waitress)    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 29 - The Red Dot  pc: 311, season 3, episode 12  Broadcast date: December 11, 1991   Written By Larry David  Directed By Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   David Naughton ................. Dick  Bridget Sienna ..................... Evie (Cleaning Woman)  Rachel Davies ...................... Saleswoman  rc: Richard Fancy ................ Mr. Lippman   ==================================================================   [At the comedy club]   JERRY: I'm sorry it's gotta be a little bit of a scary place to work. I don't know how you feel about it. You want to be standing there having people comming in all day going "I need knives. I need more knives. Do you have any bigger knives? I'd like a bigger knife, a big, long, sharp knife, that's what I'm in the market for. I like them really sharp. Do you have one with hooks and gouges like blades and kind of serrated? That's the kind of knife I'm looking for. I need one I can throw. I need another one I can just hack away with. Do you have anything like that?    [At a party]   JERRY: Oh yeah, like you know what you're talking about.   GEORGE: Like you do.   JERRY: Well what do you think? They put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France?   GEORGE: What do you think? The brought it over in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table?   JERRY: I don't know. It's too early for a Christmas party isn't it?   GEORGE: Why did France give that to us anyway?   JERRY: It was a gift.   GEORGE: So countries just exchange gifts like that?   JERRY: If they like each other.   GEORGE: There's Elaine.   JERRY: See that guy he's talking with? That's her new boyfriend.   GEORGE: Really? They work here in the office?   JERRY: Yeah. They're having a little fling so don't say anything.   GEORGE: Who am I going to tell? My mother? Like I've got nothing better to talk about.   JERRY: You don't. He's a recovering alcoholic.   GEORGE: Really?   JERRY: Yeah. He's been off the wagon for two years.   GEORGE: "Off the wagon"?   JERRY: I think it's off the wagon.   GEORGE: I think it's "on the wagon".   ELAINE: Jerry, George, what are you doing here?   JERRY: What am I doing here? Ba-boom (holding out a present)   ELAINE: *gasp* My god! My watch! You found my watch! (pushing Jerry)   JERRY: Hey keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you.   ELAINE: Where did you find it?   JERRY: Under the sofa cushion.   ELAINE: And you stopped by just to give it to me?   JERRY: It's your Christmas present.   ELAINE: I though I'd never find it.   GEORGE: Well today's your lucky day.   ELAINE: No. Today's *your* lucky day.   GEORGE: It will be my first one.   ELAINE: You want to work here?   GEORGE: Huh?   ELAINE: Yeah one of the readers left and there's a job opening. Dick, this is Jerry and this is George.   DICK: Hi nice to meet you. Is this the guy?   JERRY: "The guy?"   ELAINE: (softly to Dick) Dick.   GEORGE: How can you just get it?   ELAINE: My boss told me to find someone. I'm in charge of it. All you have to do is meet him. Come on. Come on, come on, here hold my drink.   JERRY: Cranberry juice?   ELAINE: And vodka.   DICK: I got the cranberry juice.   DICK: So... you're Jerry.   JERRY: So... I'm Jerry. (he puts down the drink)   MR. LIPPMAN: (What is his name?) So have you ever done this kind of work before?   GEORGE: Well, you know, book reports. That kind of stuff.   MR. LIPPMAN: How do you read?   GEORGE: I like Mike Lubika.   MR. LIPPMAN: Mike Lubika?   GEORGE: He's a sports writer for the daily news. I find him very insightful...   MR. LIPPMAN: No, no, no. I mean authors.   GEORGE: Lot of good ones. I don't even want to mention anyone because I'm afraid I'm going to leave somebody out.   MR. LIPPMAN: Name a couple.   GEORGE: Who do I like? I, like, uh, Art, Vandelay.   MR. LIPPMAN: Art Vandelay?   GEORGE: He's an obscure writer. Betnik, on the village.   MR. LIPPMAN: What has he written?   GEORGE: Venetian Blinds.   DICK: (picking up the drink) I've got new for you. I'm funnier than you are.   JERRY: Why don't get we together New Years day and watch some football.   ELAINE: Where's my drink?   JERRY: There. (turns to George) So, how did it go?   GEORGE: I think he was impressed.   ELAINE: No, no, no, this is just cranberry juice.   JERRY: Oh, uh, I think maybe Dick picked up yours.   ELAINE: Dick? He can't drink. He's an alcoholic. I told you to hold it.   JERRY: I didn't know you meant *hold* it, I thought you meant hold it.   ELAINE: One drink like that and he could fall right off the wagon.   GEORGE: Told you.    [At a clothing store]   JERRY: I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a *little* too close to trying on a dress.   GEORGE: Do I really have to buy her something?   JERRY: Hey the woman got you a job. The least you could do is buy her a gift. How about this?   GEORGE: What is that? Is that cashmere?   JERRY: Yeah. She would love cashmere.   GEORGE: Who doesn't like cashmere? Find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere. It's too expensive.   JERRY: Look at this. It's 85 dollars marked down from 600.   GEORGE: Wow. Excuse me, Miss?   SALES WOMAN: Yes?   GEORGE: How come this sweater is only 85 dollars?   SALES WOMAN: (showing the dot) Oh, here. This is why.   GEORGE: What? I don't see anything.   SALES WOMAN: See this red dot?   GEORGE: Oh yeah.   JERRY: Oh it's damaged. (grabbing the sweater)   GEORGE: (grabbing the sweater back) Well it's not really damaged. 85 dollars huh?   SALES WOMAN: There's no exchanges on this.   GEORGE: You think she would care about the red dot?   JERRY: It's hard to say.   GEORGE: I don't even think she'd notice it. Can you see it?   JERRY: Well I can see it.   GEORGE: Yeah, but you know where it is.   JERRY: Well what do you want me to do? Not look at it?   GEORGE: Pretend you didn't know it was there. Can you see it?   JERRY: It's hard to pretend because I know where it is.   GEORGE: Well just take an overview. Can't you just take an overview?   JERRY: You want me to take an overview?   GEORGE: Please.   JERRY: I see a very cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. That's my overview.    [At Jerry's apartment]   JERRY: Yeah so?   ELAINE: He's acting very strangely. I think he started drinking again.   JERRY: Oh boy, can you smell it?   ELAINE: No. I can't smell it.   JERRY: Well if you can't smell it then he hasn't been drinking.   ELAINE: You don't always smell someone from a drink.   JERRY: Yes you do.   ELAINE: What about one drink? Would you smell it from one drink?   JERRY: Yes you would.   (Kramer enters)   JERRY: I'll prove it. Would you do me a favor?   KRAMER: Okay.   JERRY: Would you take a drink and let us smell you?   KRAMER: You can smell me without the drink.   ELAINE: I suspect that this guy I'm seeing might be drinking but I can't smell it.   KRAMER: Okay, well what am I drinking? What do you got?   JERRY: I got a bottle of scotch my uncle gave me. It's Hennigans. It's been here for two years. I've been using it as a paint thinner.   (Kramer drinks.)   KRAMER: All right.   (Elaine and Jerry lean up really close to him.)   JERRY: I don't smell anything.   ELAINE: Maybe we're too close to the bottle.   (Jerry's buzzer buzzes.)   JERRY: Yeah.   GEORGE: (over the speaker) It's George.   JERRY: Come on up.   KRAMER: That is *damn* good scotch. I could do a commercial for this stuff. Mmmmm, boy that Hennigans goes down smooth. And afterwords you don't even smell. That's right folks. I just had three shots of Hennigans and I don't smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigans, the no-smell, no-tell scotch.   GEORGE: Hello everybody.   KRAMER: Hey. (snuggling really close to George) I'm going to tell you what I think. I know you don't care what I think, but I'm going to tell you. I think that you are terrific.   GEORGE: (uncomfortablly) Thank you.   ELAINE: Hey what's that?   GEORGE: It's an early Christmas present.   ELAINE: Christmas present? For who?   GEORGE: For you.   ELAINE: *gasp* (pushing George) Get out of here.   KRAMER: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret. (singing) h-e-double n...   JERRY: Kramer. Yeah that'll do.   ELAINE: (opening the present) Oh George, this is beautiful. Is this cashmere?   GEORGE: Of course it's cashmere.   ELAINE: Oh, I love cashmere.   GEORGE: Well who doesn't.   ELAINE: My, George this must have cost a fortune.   GEORGE: Ahh, money.   ELAINE: Jerry, how could you let him spend so much money?   JERRY: I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy.   ELAINE: George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me.   GEORGE: Well good, good. Take it off you're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.   KRAMER: What's that red dot on your sweater?   ELAINE: What?   GEORGE: Just take it off. I'm getting hot just looking at it.   ELAINE: Uhh. This. It's like a red dot.   GEORGE: What red dot? What are you talking about? Jerry come here for a second. Do you see anything here?   JERRY: (uncomfortable) Uh, I don't know. Uh, I don't know.   ELAINE: What don't you know?   JERRY: I don't know.   ELAINE: Well do you see it or don't you?   JERRY: Ahem. Say that again?   ELAINE: Do you see it or don't you?   JERRY: Do I see it... or don't I? That's the question.   (Jerry goes to the counter and pours some scotch. He drinks it. He comes back groggy.)   JERRY: Now what did you ask me again.   (Kramer is snoring.)    [At the office. Elaine is walking by]   ELAINE: You're still here. You're a dynamo.   GEORGE: I can't believe I get paid for this.   ELAINE: I'll see you tomorrow.   (Elaine walks out. George gets back to work. The cleaning lady comes by.)   GEORGE: How you doing?   CLEANING WOMAN: Hello.   (The lady starts cleaning. George has a thought. He watches the lady as she is cleaning.)    [At Monk's]   JERRY: You had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk? Who are you, how did you do that?   GEORGE: Hennigans. I was there sitting in the office and the cleaning woman comes in. I've always been attracted to cleaning women. Cleaning women, chambermaids.   JERRY: Yeah chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too.   GEORGE: Why is that?   JERRY: It's a woman in your room. So go ahead.   GEORGE: So she starts vaccuming, back and forth, back and forth, her hips swivelling, her breasts, uh... (trying to think of a word)   JERRY: Convulsing?   GEORGE: Convulsing?   JERRY: I don't know, I'm trying to help you.   GEORGE: Then I asked her if she wanted a drink.   JERRY: You don't drink.   GEORGE: I know but I couldn't think of anything else to say to her.   JERRY: So you started drinking.   GEORGE: So we started drinking, and I'll tell you I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next think I knew she was mopping the floor with me.   JERRY: So how was it?   GEORGE: Well the sex was okay, but I threw up from the Hennigans.   JERRY: Good thing the cleaning lady was there.    [At Jerry's apartment]   ELAINE: Dick was fired.   JERRY: You mean to tell me if I had put that drink six inches over to the right, and none of this would have happened.   ELAINE: You knew he was an alcoholic. Why'd you put the drink down at all?   JERRY: What are you saying?   ELAINE: I'm not saying anything.   JERRY: You're saying something.   ELAINE: What could I be saying?   JERRY: Well you're not saying nothing you must be saying something.   ELAINE: If I was saying something I would have said it.   JERRY: Well why don't you say it?   ELAINE: I said it.   JERRY: What did you say?   ELAINE: Nothing. It's exhausting being with you.   (Jerry's buzzer buzzes.)   JERRY: Yeah?   GEORGE: (over the speaker) It's George.   JERRY: Come on up.   ELAINE: Hey, let me ask you something something. Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? (Jerry is unconfortable) Ooookay, you just gave me the answer.   JERRY: No I didn't.   ELAINE: Yes you did, yes you did. I saw your expression.   JERRY: I didn't have an expression. I have a deviated septum. I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe.   ELAINE: How much did he save?   JERRY: Frankly I am shocked that you would ask such a question (Elaine sticking out her tongue like she isn't buying a word of it) of me, that you would think - the only surprise is how you could even think of that. That's what you were seeing.   (Elaine gets up and goes into the bathroom.)   GEORGE: I have to talk to Elaine. This cleaing lady is turning the screws on me. She's pushing for this whole relationship thing. She keeps calling me, threatening to go to the boss with this thing, I could lose my job, I gotta do something to keep her quiet.   JERRY: Elaine is in the bathroom. She's wise to whole red dot thing. She's asking me all kinds of questions.   GEORGE: Did you tell her anything?   JERRY: No.   GEORGE: Do you swear?   JERRY: I'm not swearing. I don't want to swear.   GEORGE: Oh you told her didn't you.   JERRY: No.   ELAINE: Hey George, did you buy that sweater knowing that red dot was on it because you could get it at a discount?   GEORGE: What? Did I what?   ELAINE: You did didn't you.   GEORGE: Elaine, I'm, I'm shocked. I'm shocked. Here I go out in the spirit of the season (Elaine looking like she's not buying a word of it) and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas and this is the thanks that I get at Christmas.   ELAINE: Well Jerry told me that you did.   GEORGE: You told her? How could you tell her? I told you not to say anything.   JERRY: I didn't tell her you stupid idiot. She tricked you.   GEORGE: Elaine you don't understand. I had 103 temperature when I bought that sweater. I was so dizzy I was seeing red dots everywhere. I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it. I couldn't distinguish one red dot from another. I couldn't afford anything. I have nothing. I haven't worked for a really long time. (Jerry is standing right behind George. Jerry takes out a hankerchief and starts fake-crying in it.) I mean look, I have no clothes, look at what I'm wearing. It's just a little red dot.    [At the office.]   GEORGE: This is for you.   CLEANING WOMAN: Oh, Georgie, you bought this for me? Oh I knew you cared for me.   GEORGE: As you care for me. Which is why it is very important that you never breathe a word of this to anyone about the... you know. What, with Clarence Thomas and everything.   CLEANING WOMAN: Okay, okay, can I open it now?   GEORGE: Yes of course go ahead. My guess is you're going to like this very much.   CLEANING WOMAN: Oh! Is that cashmere?   GEORGE: Of course it's cashemere.   CLEANING WOMAN: A cashmere sweater. Oh Georgie Porgie!   GEORGE: Just a little something for Christmas.   CLEANING WOMAN: When I was a little girl in Panama, a rich American came to our town and he was wearing the softest most beautiful sweater. I said to him, "what do you call this most beautiful fabric?", and he said "they call it cashmere". I repeated the words "cashmere, cashmere". I asked if I could have it, and he said "No. Get away from me." Then he started walk away. But I grabbed onto his leg screaming for him to give me the sweater and he dragged me through the street. And then he kicked at me with the other foot and threw some change at me. Oh, but I didn't want the change Georgie. I wanted the cashmere.   GEORGE: I had a feeling you would like it. No, don't try it on now, try it on later.   CLEANING WOMAN: Wow, look at this. It feels so beautiful.   GEORGE: Take it off. You're going to ruin it.   CLEANING WOMAN: (noticing the dot) What's this?    [At the comedy club]   JERRY: I was in the men's room the other day and they had the hand blower, instead of the paper towels, you know this thing. I like the hand blower I have to say. It takes a little bit longer, but I feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench you want to spend as much time as you can.   DICK: The only stench is comming from you.   AUDIENCE: Oooooh.   JERRY: Oh, wait a second, I believe we have a heckler ladies and gentlemen. Hey Dick I don't know what your problem is. It's not my fault you're back on the wagon.   DICK: It's off the wagon.   JERRY: In the old days how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town?   DICK: I don't know.   JERRY: On the wagon. Don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way?   DICK: You can't drink on a wagon it would be too bumpy.   JERRY: They had smooth trails. What about the Cumberland Gap?   DICK: What the hell do you know about wagons?   JERRY: I know enough not to get on them.    [In the Lippman's office.]   MR. LIPPMAN: I'm going to get right to the point. It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?   GEORGE: Who said that?   MR. LIPPMAN: She did.   GEORGE: Was that wrong? Should I have not done that? I tell you I gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing was frouned upon, you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices and I tell you peope do that all the time.   MR. LIPPMAN: You're fired.   GEORGE: Well you didn't have to say it like that.   MR. LIPPMAN: I want you out of here by the end of the day.   GEORGE: What about the whole Christmas spirit thing? Any flexability there?   MR. LIPPMAN: Nah. Wait, wait, she wanted me to give you this.   (He tosses the sweater and it lands right on top of George's face. George walks out of the office "wearing" it. )    [In the hall of the office]   ELAINE: You had sex on your desk with the cleaning woman.   GEORGE: You never had sex in the office before?   ELAINE: No. I once made out with someone but that was it.   GEORGE: Alright so you made out with someone.   ELAINE: Well that's not sex.   GEORGE: Kissing is sex.   ELAINE: Kissing is not sex.   JERRY: George?   GEORGE: Jerry.   ELAINE: Hey, did Jerry leave that drink next to Dick's on purpose?   GEORGE: No.   JERRY: George?   GEORGE: Over here.   ELAINE: What are you doing here?   JERRY: I'm taking the kid out to dinner to chear him up.   ELAINE: Hey Jerry when do you consider that sex has taken place?   JERRY: I would say when the nipple makes its first appearance.   ELAINE: So, George told me that you left the drink next to Dick's on purpose.   JERRY: Nice try. So guess who heckled me at the club last night.   *crash*   DICK: Merry Christmas.   ELAINE: Oh my god that's Dick. It's Cape Fear.   GEORGE: Hide, hide under the desk.   ELAINE: Ow, ow move over.   JERRY: Get off of me.   ELAINE: I've got no room.   (Dick walks over dragging behind him a Christmas tree. He looks down and notices them under the table. George holds out the sweater, his hand shaking.)   DICK: Is that cashmere?   GEORGE: Of course it's cashmere.   DICK: (noticing the dot) What's this?    [At the comedy club]   JERRY: But in a way, I think I inadvertantly turned this guy into an alcoholic. I hate being around alcoholics because they're either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you. And those are the two statements that scare me the most. But I think he's okay now because I have no idea how he feels about me. He's finally off the wagon.   DICK: You mean on the wagon.   JERRY: Don't get smart.    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 171 - The Wizard  pc: 915 season 9, episode 15  Broadcast date: February 26, 1998   Written by Steve Lookner  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Grace Zabriskie ................... Mrs. Ross  Warren Frost ...................... Mr. (Henry) Ross  Samuel Bliss Cooper ............ Darryl  Edgar Small ......................... Sid Luckman  Vic Helford ......................... Tom  Michael McShane ................. FDR (Franklin Delano Romanosky)  Bahni Turpin ....................... Waitress #1  Constance Zimmer .............. Waitress #2  Jeanette Miller ..................... Old Woman  Murray Rubin ...................... Rubin  rc: Liz Sheridan ................... Helen Seinfeld  rc: Barney Martin ................ Morty Seinfeld   ==================================================================   [Monk's]   GEORGE: When are they gonna learn that any news about China is an instant page-turner? (seeing Jerry with a small black device) What's that?   JERRY: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm goin' to Florida for his birthday.   GEORGE: How much was it?   JERRY: Two hundred. But I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift. He gets excited about the deal.   GEORGE: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?   JERRY: Ah, I'll tell him I got it on the street, and maybe it's hot. That's his favorite.   GEORGE: I got a message from the Rosses at work today.   JERRY: Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked to them?   GEORGE: At the funeral, give or take. You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.   JERRY: Why, because you picked out the poision envelopes? That's silly.   ELAINE: (entering Monk's with her boyfriend) Oh, um... Darryl. These are... people I know. Jerry, George.   DARRYL: Nice meeting you. Ah, I gotta run, Elaine. I'll see you later.   ELAINE: OK.   JERRY: Still no Puddy?   ELAINE: Uh, I think his answering machine's broken, so I just gave up. Well, what do you think?   JERRY: What? About you datin' a black guy? What's the big deal?   ELAINE: What black guy?   JERRY: Darryl. He's black, isn't he?   ELAINE: He is?   GEORGE: No, he isn't.   JERRY: Isn't he, Elaine?   ELAINE: You think?   GEORGE: I thought he looked Irish.   JERRY: What's his last name?   ELAINE: Nelson.   GEORGE: That's not Irish.   JERRY: I think he's black.   GEORGE: Should we be talkin' about this?   ELAINE: I think it's OK.   GEORGE: No, it isn't.   JERRY: Why not?   GEORGE: Well, it would be OK if Darryl was here.   JERRY: If he's black.   ELAINE: Is he black?   JERRY: Does it matter?   ELAINE: No, course not. I mean, I'd just like to know.   JERRY: Oh, so you need to know?   ELAINE: No, I don't need to know. I just think it would be nice if I knew.   WAITRESS: Should I take that?   JERRY: (getting out his wallet) Uh, one second.   ELAINE: (looking in her purse) Oh, here.   GEORGE: (pulling out some money) Uh, yeah. Hang on. Just... yeah.   (when they see the waitress, who is black, all three hurriedly get out lots of money for her tip)     [Jerry's Apartment]   GEORGE: (on the phone) Uh, Mrs. Ross? It's-it's George.   MRS. ROSS: Uh, who?   GEORGE: George Costanza. Susan's, uh, friend? Long time no speak.   MR. ROSS: (walking by Mrs. Ross) We're all out of lime juice. I told that woman to buy more.   MRS. ROSS: Uh, George, the Susan Ross Foundation is having an event this weekend.   GEORGE: Oh, I just, uh, leased a house out in the Hamptons, and I have got to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.   MR. ROSS: (again walking by) I'm goin' back to bed.   MRS. ROSS: Thank you for calling, George.   GEORGE: Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh... OK, I gotta go.   JERRY: House in the Hamptons?   GEORGE: Well, you know, I've been lyin' about my income for a few years. I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.   KRAMER: (enters) Well.   JERRY: Hey.   KRAMER: Well, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah. It's time to celebrate.   JERRY: Wow. What are we celebrating?   KRAMER: Uh, you remember my coffee table book?   JERRY: With the little legs?   KRAMER: That's the one. A big Hollywood so-and-so optioned it for a movie.   GEORGE: How are they gonna make that book into a movie?   KRAMER: You remember that photo book on toy ray guns?   GEORGE: Yeah?   KRAMER: Independence Day?   GEORGE: Oh.   JERRY: How much are they payin' you?   KRAMER: Let's just say that I don't have to worry about working for a while. A long while.   JERRY: That's funny because I haven't seen you working for a while. A long while.   KRAMER: Yeah, and you're not going to, because I'm hanging it up. Boys, I'm retiring.   JERRY: From what?   KRAMER: From the grind. I mean, who needs it? I mean, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do.   JERRY: (seeing that Kramer has a new watch) What's that?   KRAMER: Oh, I bought myself a little retirement gift. Gold watch.   JERRY & GEORGE: Ooh!   KRAMER: Well, it's not really gold.   JERRY & GEORGE: Aww.     [Darryl's Apartment]   (approaching Darryl's apartment, Elaine hears loud rap music being played, and smiles knowingly)   ELAINE: (as Darryl opens his door) Hey.   DARRYL: Hey.   ELAINE: Great music.   DARRYL: Oh, it's my neighbor. They blast that stuff twenty four hours a day. I hate it.   DARRYL: Yo, you! Turn it down!   ELAINE: Oh, wow, these are nice. Do they have any cultural significance?   DARRYL: They're... African.   ELAINE: Right. African.   DARRYL: Well, not Africa, actually. South Africa.   ELAINE: South Africa.   DARRYL: My family used to live there, but, uh, we got out years ago, for obvious reasons. You know how it is.   ELAINE: Maybe.     [Street]   GEORGE: (to a street vender selling hot dogs) You must hate hot dogs, huh? Or else, you, uh, you really like 'em and that's why you, you do this.   (the Rosses come out of a nearby building onto the street, observe George not being in the Hamptons, and move on)   GEORGE: I'll tell ya, if I had one of these things, I'd be eatin' hot dogs all the time.   VENDER: Are you gonna buy a hot dog or not?   GEORGE: Mmm... no.     [Florida- Seinfeld Condo]   MORTY: (Jerry comes out of his room, having just woken up) Rise and shine, sleepy head! Ha ha!   JERRY: It's 5:30 in the morning!   HELEN: We let you sleep in.   JERRY: (handing his dad a gift) Well, as long as I'm up. Dad, I got you a birthday present. Here. Happy Birthday.   MORTY: Aw, Jerry. I should be buyin' you presents.   JERRY: What does that mean?   HELEN: Leave your father alone. It's his birthday.   MORTY: Oooh! Heh heh! It's a radar detector.   JERRY: Radar detector? I've never seen you go over twenty miles an hour. You're like the Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. It's a Wizard organizer.   MORTY: This looks like too much money.   JERRY: Nah, I got it from a guy on the street. It was, like, fifty bucks.   MORTY: You think it's hot?   JERRY: Could be.   MORTY: Attaboy! Helen, Jerry got me a hot Wizard computer!   HELEN: I'm right here.   JERRY: And you can do everything with it. You can get e-mail, fax, there's a calculator.   MORTY: So, I can use it in the restaurant to figure out the tip?   JERRY: Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily planner.   MORTY: Helen, we got into restaurants and figure out the tips.   HELEN: Jerry, you're getting your father too excited.   KRAMER: (entering the condo, and going to the fridge as if he's a neighbor) Hey, buddy. When'd you get here?   JERRY: Kramer, what are you doing here?   KRAMER: I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.   HELEN: Mr. Kornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.   KRAMER: Yeah, your, uh, folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.   JERRY: Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people come to die.   JERRY: (getting looks from his parents) Not you. Older people.   HELEN: Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How 'bout a feta cheese omelette?   KRAMER: Mmmm, that sounds great, Mom.   JERRY: If you feed him, he'll never leave.   HELEN: We don't have any feta. How about cottage cheese and Egg Beaters?   KRAMER: (immaturely) I guess.   JERRY: I can't believe this.   KRAMER: I know, I know. Don't I look more relaxed?     [Monk's]   ELAINE: So, George, do you have any thoughts on this Darryl situation?   GEORGE: Actually, I did have a thought.   ELAINE: Oh.   GEORGE: Why don't you just ask him?   ELAINE: (rudely and giving him a 'duh' look) Because, if I ask him, then it's like I really want to know.   GEORGE: Maybe he's, um... mixed.   ELAINE: Is that the right word?   GEORGE: I really don't think we're supposed to be talkin' about this.   ELAINE: Yeah.   GEORGE: (standing up) I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.   ELAINE: (starting to leave) You know what, I'm leavin'.   GEORGE: Yeah.   ELAINE: I'll just talk to Jerry when he gets back. (seeing the Rosses entering Monk's) Oh. Mrs. Ross, Mr. Ross.   MRS. ROSS: Oh, you're George's friend.   MR. ROSS: We saw him in the city this weekend. Uh, what happened to his place in the Hamptons?   ELAINE: (laughing uproariously) The Hamptons? George Costanza? I, uh... I don't think so. Have a good one.   GEORGE: Rosses.   MR. ROSS: George, we were just talking about you.   GEORGE: Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity thing. But this was one of those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about.   MRS. ROSS: Really?   GEORGE: Yeah, I may move out there. (getting 'yeah, right' glances from the Rosses) I mean it, I'll do it! OK, I'll see ya later. Keep it real!     [Florida- Restaurant]   MORTY: (eating lunch with Helen and Jerry) Another fine meal, and now for my Wizard tip calculator.   JERRY: Dad, it's got lots of other functions.   MORTY: Don't worry. I'll get to the other functions. (trying to open it) I can't get it open.   (Jerry easily opens it)   HELEN: Yay! Jerry got it open.   MORTY: The service was slow. And God forbid they should refill the water. How does 12.4% sound?   JERRY: (looking at the Wizard) Well, your tip is four dollars and thirty-six point six six six six cents.   MORTY: We'll round down.   HELEN: Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here on your father's birthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo elections.   JERRY: Oh, right. You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo.   MORTY: I was never impeached! I resigned!   HELEN: Even so, the press would bury him!   JERRY: What press?   HELEN: The condo newsletter, the Boca Breeze.   MORTY: Pinko Commie rag.     [Florida- clubhouse]   OLD MAN: (coming up to the three Seinfelds) Hey, Morty. Your boy here, he just got a date with that young aquacise instructor.   JERRY: She's fifty.   OLD MAN: You know what he's got? He's got charisma. That's my man.   KRAMER: All right, I'll see you guys.   OLD MAN: Yeah.   KRAMER: Yeah.   (Kramer, scanning the scene, is surprised to see Morty, right next to him, staring at his face)   KRAMER: (taping Morty's glasses) Morty, what're you lookin' at?   MORTY: I'll tell you what I'm looking at: the next condo president of Del Boca Vista, Phase Three.   KRAMER: Hmm.     [Darryl's Apartment]   DARRYL: Elaine, thank you for the Wizard!   (Elaine laughts somewhat awkwardly)   DARRYL: Wow, it's got so many functions.   ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. Forget about all that. First thing is first. Warranty information. Name, we know that. Uh, hobbies. Skiing, racquetball...   DARRYL: Well, I don't do that stuff.   ELAINE: It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Um. Oh, here's one: race.   DARRYL: Isn't that optional?   ELAINE: It certainly should be. It's nobody's damn business! But they really would like to know.   DARRYL: All right, I'm... Asian.   ELAINE: What?   DARRYL: Just to mess with 'em.   ELAINE: laughing awkwardly: Oh. Right. Good one.   DARRYL: Average income, uh... over a hundred thousand.   ELAINE: Really?   DARRYL: Does that matter?   ELAINE: No, but... it is very nice to know.     [Florida- Seinfeld Condo]   JERRY: (in his parent's condo, on the phone with Elaine) So did you figure out Darryl's... you know.   ELAINE: (in Jerry's apartment) Ah, I've given up. So, now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants. I figure that'll cover us either way.   JERRY: (as Kramer walks by) You're a master of race relations.   ELAINE: Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo?   JERRY: Yeah, it's all my father's doing.   (Kramer, apparently looking for something to do, mumbles to Jerry to hand him a magazine from the table)   JERRY: He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.   ELAINE: Oh, heh heh heh. Who are they running against?   JERRY: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.   GEORGE: (entering Jerry's apartment) Jerry?   ELAINE: (to George) He's still down with his folks.   GEORGE: (to Elaine) What are you doin' here?   JERRY: (overhearing the other two: Elaine, Elaine--   ELAINE: (to George) I'm gettin' his mail.   JERRY: (overhearing the other two) Oh, no.   GEORGE: (to Elaine) He asked you to get the mail?   ELAINE: (to George) Mm-hmm.   GEORGE: (taking the phone from Elaine) Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?   JERRY: George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you. I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.   ELAINE: (trying to understand what they're talking about) What?   GEORGE: What about the mail?   JERRY: This is far more important. You must exercise the gaskets, George.   GEORGE: (hanging up) All right, Jerry. I'll do it. See ya.     [Jerry's apartment]   GEORGE: So, I ran into the Rosses again.   ELAINE: Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons?   GEORGE: From me.   ELAINE: What did you say?   GEORGE: I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did you say?   ELAINE: I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed.   GEORGE: So, they knew? Those liars!   ELAINE: But you lied first.   GEORGE: Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons, they never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when they know you're lying. You call them a liar!   ELAINE: Like you're a liar!   GEORGE: Yes. Thank you! Is that so hard?   ELAINE: So, this is over, not over? I'm bettin', not over.   GEORGE: Hmm-hmm, not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them up to my non-existent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks first.   ELAINE: Haven't you done enough to these people?   GEORGE: This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.   (Elaine gets a sarcastic, 'oh, boy' expression)     [Florida- Kramer Campaigning]   KRAMER: (to a room) Vote for Kramer. (to a man walking by) Cosmo Kramer. I'm running for condo president. I'd like your vote. Thanks. (to an old woman) Remember, ma'am, a vote for me, is a vote for Kramer.   OLD WOMAN: Will you cut my meat?   KRAMER: Gladly.     [Monk's]   WAITRESS: (to Darryl) Coffee?   DARRYL: Sure.   WAITRESS: (to Darryl) Are you black? Or should I bring some cream.   DARRYL: I'm black. (re-thinking) Oh, you know what? Bring a little cream. (seeing a couple gesturing towards him and Elaine) Did you hear that?   ELAINE: What?   DARRYL: God, there are still people who have trouble with an interracial couple.   ELAINE: Interracial? Us?   DARRYL: Isn't that unbelievable!?   ELAINE: Yes, it's awful! They're upset because we're an interracial couple. That is racism!   DARRYL: I don't feel like eating.   ELAINE: Me neither. Well, maybe this turkey club.     [Outside the Ross']   GEORGE: So... here I am. Ready to take you to the Hamptons.   MRS. ROSS: Sounds grand.   GEORGE: Do you have your bathing suits?   MR. ROSS: It's March.   GEORGE: Speak now, or we are headed to the Hamptons. It's a two-hour drive. Once you get in that car, we are going all the way... to the Hamptons. All right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts!     [Florida-Seinfeld Condo]   JERRY: (in his parent's condo, to his father, who's in another room) Hey, Dad. You know you can program this thing to beep every time you need to take a vitamin. (as Kramer comes walking out in a retirement-like athletic sweatsuit) Dad, you look so different.   KRAMER: Oh, no. We're campaigning, Jerry. To rule the people, one... must walk among them.   MORTY: (coming into the hall) This is the home stretch. Tomorrow's the election!   KRAMER: Right. Yeah. The polls close after dinner, three o'clock. But then when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of eight p.m.   JERRY: You know, you can put that whole schedule right in your daily planner.   MORTY: Daily what?   HELEN: (coming into the condo) Have you read today's Boca Breeze?   KRAMER: (looking at the newsletter) Hey, look at that. Picture of me, huh? (reading out loud) Candidate Cosmo Kramer caught barefoot in clubhouse.   MORTY: Barefoot in the clubhouse? Don't you realize this is against the rules.   KRAMER: Well, I couldn't find my shoes.   JERRY: Kramer, these people work and wait their whole lives to move down here, sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these rules.   HELEN: Who wants hot chocolate?   KRAMER: Oh, yeah! Me.   MORTY: This is a huge scandal! We need damage control.   KRAMER: All right, look. People seem to like those tip calculators, huh?   JERRY: Wizards!   KRAMER: Yeah, well, how 'bout if we give one out to every member on the condo board.   JERRY: Kramer...   MORTY: There are twenty people on the board. Thank God you can get that deal.   KRAMER: Payoffs. Now we're playin' politics. All right, what do we next, Morty, huh? Wiretaps, slush funds?   MORTY: (rushing to his bedroom) First, I need a nap.   HELEN: (running after him) Oh, I'll get your electric blanket!   JERRY: Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards.   KRAMER: Well, what about your deal, huh?   JERRY: I didn't have a deal! They're two hundred dollars a pop. What do I do?   KRAMER: Well, don't worry about it. I know a guy.   JERRY: Down here?   KRAMER: Yeah, Bob Saccamano's father.     [George's Car]   George, driving in the car with the Rosses) And that leads into the master bedroom.   MRS. ROSS: Tell us more.   GEORGE: You want to hear more? The master bedroom opens into the solarium.   MR. ROSS: Another solarium?   GEORGE: Yes, two solariums. Quite a find. And I have horses, too?   MR. ROSS: What are their names?   GEORGE: Snoopy and Prickly Pete. Should I keep driving?   MRS. ROSS: Oh, look, an antique stand. Pull over. We'll buy you a housewarming gift.   GEORGE: (chuckling to himself) Housewarming gift. (swerving the car to go to the antique stand) All right, we're taking it up a notch!     [Monk's]   WAITRESS: (handing Elaine a menu) Here you go.   ELAINE: (to the black waitress) Long day?   WAITRESS: Yeah, I just worked a triple shift.   ELAINE: I hear ya, Sister.   WAITRESS: Sister?   ELAINE: (as Darryl comes into Monk's) Yeah. It's OK. My boyfriend's black. Here he is. See?   DARRYL: Hi, Elaine.   ELAINE: Hey.   WAITRESS: He's black?   ELAINE: Yeah.   DARRYL: I'm black?   ELAINE: Aren't you?   WAITRESS: (leaving) I'll give you a couple minutes to decide.   DARRYL: What are you talking about?   ELAINE: You're black. You said we were an interracial couple.   DARRYL: We are. Because you're Hispanic.   ELAINE: I am?   DARRYL: Aren't you?   ELAINE: No. Why would you think that?   DARRYL: Your name's Benes, your hair, and you kept taking me to those Spanish restaurants.   ELAINE: That's because I thought you were black.   DARRYL: Why would you take me to a Spanish restaurant because I'm black?   ELAINE: I don't think we should be talking about this.   DARRYL: So, what are you?   ELAINE: I'm white.   DARRYL: So, we're just a couple of white people?   ELAINE: I guess.   DARRYL: Oh.   ELAINE: Yeah. So do you want to go to the Gap?   DARRYL: (leaving with Elaine) Sure.     [Florida-Seinfeld Condo]   KRAMER: (having lunch with Jerry and his parents) Oh, well... I handed out all the Wizards. Polls close in one hour. Whoo hoo hoo! I think we've got this baby all sewn up, huh? Oh, uh, there was an extra one. Norman Burgerman, he won't be leavin' any tips where he is.   JERRY: Aw.   MORTY: Congratulations, Mr. President.   KRAMER: Congratulations, Mr. Puppet Master.   OLD MAN: Hey, Morty, what's wrong with these tip calculators?   MORTY: What are you talking about?   OLD MAN: It's overtipping. I just left five bucks for a BLT.   MORTY: This isn't a Wizard, it's a Willard.   JERRY: A Willard? Saccamano, Sr. screwed me!   OLD MAN #2: Mine doesn't have a seven!   OLD MAN #3: I'm ruined!   MORTY: Jerry, why didn't you get them Wizards?   JERRY: Because a real Wizard's two hundred dollars.   MORTY: You didn't have a deal?   JERRY: No deal. Not hot.   OLD MAN: Morty, you, and Kramer, you're finished.   KRAMER: What?   OLD MAN: Everyone vote for the guy in the wheelchair.   KRAMER: (getting up to leave) Well, the people have spoken. Well, that's it for me. I'm, I'm headin' back to New York.   JERRY: Dad, I'm sorry.   MORTY: You should be! How could you spend two hundred dollars on a tip calculator?!   JERRY: It does other things!     [Outside George's Car on a beach]   MR. ROSS: Where are we, George?   GEORGE: Almost there.   MR. ROSS: Well, this is the end of Long Island. Where's your house?   GEORGE: We, uh, we go on foot from here.   MR. ROSS: All right.   GEORGE: There's no house! It's a lie! There's no solarium. There's no Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium.   MR. ROSS: We know.   GEORGE: Then, why? Why did you make me drive all the way out here? Why didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why?   MRS. ROSS: We don't like you, George.   MR. ROSS: And we always blamed you for what happened to Susan.   GEORGE: Oh.   MR. ROSS: All right! Let's head back.    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 150 - The Pothole  pc: 816 season 8, episode 16  Broadcast date: February 20, 1997   Written by Steve O'Donnell and Dan O'Keefe  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Kristin Davis ....................... Jenna  Jack McGee ........................ Ralph  George Kee Cheung ........... Owner  Seraiah Carol ...................... Mrs. Allister  Radmar Agana Jao ............. Delivery Boy  Walter Addison ................. Man  rc: Wayne Knight ............... Newman   ==================================================================   [Jenna's Apartment: Bathroom]   (Jerry is standing by the sink, preparing to brush his teeth. Jenna enters.)   JENNA: Morning.   JERRY: Morning.   (She hands him a tube of toothpaste.)   JENNA: Hope you don't mind baking soda flavour.   JERRY: (applying paste to brush) Ah, baking soda. Annoying little product. 'I can do this. I can do that.' Why doesn't this stuff just shut up?   JENNA: I'm gonna grab you a towel.   (Jenna leaves the bathroom. Jerry brushes his teeth. He clearly doesn't like the taste of the baking soda, and leans over the sink to spit. He puts his hand on the counter and knocks Jenna's toothbrush off the edge. The brush falls into the toilet bowl. )   (There is a shot from beneath the water in the toilet, looking up. Jerry's face looking down into the bowl, with an expression of shock and horror. )   (Jerry looks behind him, to see if Jenna has spotted him. He rolls up the sleeve of his dressing gown, grimaces, and plunges his hand into the toilet. He grabs the brush out, drops it on a shelf beside the mirror and immediately begins frantically washing his hands. As he completes this task, he raises his head and finds Jenna has returned. She is standing behind him, smiling as she brushes her teeth with the brush he just retrieved from the toilet. )   JERRY: Ooh-ooh     [Monk's]   (Jerry and George in a booth, as per usual.)   GEORGE: So?   JERRY: So? She used the toothbrush!   GEORGE: You said you grabbed it outta there real fast, right?   JERRY: Yeah.   GEORGE: So I'm sure whatever germs it landed on were knocked out, and by the time the rest of them realised what was going on, you had already grabbed it out.   JERRY: How many years of med school did you have?   GEORGE: Was she mad?   (Jerry says nothing, but pulls a face.)   GEORGE: You didn't tell her.   JERRY: Jenna's like me. She's very... (searches for word)   GEORGE: Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?   JERRY: I'll take fastidious.   (George puts his keys on the table. On the ring is a miniature head, clearly a caricature of someone.)   JERRY: What is that?   GEORGE: Ahh, Steinbrenner gave 'em to us, in honour of Phil Rizzuto being inducted into the Hall of Fame.   (He squeezes the miniature head.)   HEAD: Holy cow!   JERRY: They don't actually have to squeeze his head to get him to say 'holy cow', do they?   GEORGE: Just the last few innings of a double-header.   (Kramer enters. He is carrying a battered sewing machine. He comes over.)   KRAMER: Hey. Look at this. I'm in the passing lane of the Arthur Berkhardt expressway, going seventy and (makes impact sound - pckergh!) Dragged this thing for five exits.   (He dumps the machine on the table and sits beside Jerry.)   JERRY: Why didn't you pull over?   KRAMER: Well I was draughting behind a semi. I didn't wanna lose him. The infrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling.   (George squeezes the miniature head.)   HEAD: Holy cow!   KRAMER: Well, look at that. A talking Nixon.     [Elaine's Apartment/Chinese Restaurant]   (Elaine is calling for Chinese food. The scene flicks from her at home with the phone and a menu, to the restaurant owner taking the order.)   OWNER: China Panda.   ELAINE: Yeah, I'd like to place an order.   OWNER: Ah yes, what you like?   ELAINE: This Supreme Flounder, it says first time served in America. Is that true?   OWNER: What number?   ELAINE: Forty-seven.   OWNER: Yeah, first time. What else?   ELAINE: Uh, that's it.   OWNER: Address?   ELAINE: Seventy-eight, West Eighty-sixth Street. Apartment three E.   OWNER: That's southside. Sorry, we don't deliver below Eighty-sixth.   ELAINE: I'm not below.   OWNER: Yes you are. Street itself is boundary.   ELAINE: Your guy can't cross to my side?   OWNER: If we deliver to you, then what? Eighty-fifth Street, Wall Street, Mexico, Eighty-fourth Street.   ELAINE: Alright, fine. I'll just cross and meet him.   OWNER: Sorry, food only for those who live within boundary. (slams down phone)   (Elaine listens to the dial tone for a second. Then she pushes the redial.)   OWNER: (picks up phone) China Panda.   ELAINE: (using silly voice) Uh, yeah yeah. I'd like to place an order.   OWNER: Ah, what you like?     [Jerry's Apartment]   (Kramer enters. He's smoking a substantial cigar.)   KRAMER: Well, I'm a poppa.   JERRY: Bring it on. Nothing's throwing me at this point.   KRAMER: (handing Jerry a cigar) Well, as of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.   JERRY: Oh, that adopt-a-highway thing.   KRAMER: Yeah, I'm part of the solution now Jerry. Yeah, I went down there and I checked it out this morning. Here, take a look. Mile one-fourteen.   (He gets his wallet from his back pocket and shows Jerry a Polaroid snapshot in it.)   JERRY: Aw, looks just like you.   KRAMER: Aw, I'm beaming Jerry.   JERRY: So what d'you have to do? Pay to keep it clean?   KRAMER: They try to push you into using their cleaning crew, with all their so-called maintenance equipment.   JERRY: That old scam.   KRAMER: Yeah, well that's why I'm doing it all myself. This parenting isn't about delegating responsibility, it's about being there.   JERRY: At the side of the road, with a pile of garbage.   KRAMER: Quality time.   (George enters looking anxious, maybe borderline panicky. He stalks about the place, looking for something, frustratedly.)   GEORGE: Keys. I can't find my keys.   JERRY: You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?!   GEORGE: Have you seen 'em?   JERRY: No.   GEORGE: Dammit!   KRAMER: C'mon, retrace your steps. What d'you do today?   GEORGE: I got up, I was supposed to go to work, I came here instead.   KRAMER: Right.   JERRY: Well, they're not here. You'll have to dig up your spare set.   GEORGE: I don't have a spare set. All my keys say 'do not duplicate'.   JERRY: So?   GEORGE: So you can't duplicate 'em.   (At this, Jerry and Kramer exchange a look, and laugh.)   KRAMER: Sure you can. (to Jerry) Such a sweet kid.     [Street]   (Elaine stands on the sidewalk, waiting for someone. She looks up the street and sees a Chinese delivery boy approaching with a bag of food. She ducks into the entranceway to the apartment building behind her, and then effects to be coming out of the building as the delivery boy gets there.)   ELAINE: Oh. Oh, hi. China Panda?   DELIVERY BOY: (suspicious) Why you waiting on the street and not in your apartment?   ELAINE: I... thought that I would meet you halfway.   (She takes the bag of food.)   DELIVERY BOY: You really live here?   ELAINE: Oh yeah. (handing over money) There you go, keep the change. Bye now. I'll see you.   (Elaine walks back towards the door to the building. She expects the boy to leave, but he's still suspicious, and waits. Elaine tries the door, but it's locked. She looks, and the boy still waits. Elaine tries the door harder, but it won't yield. She admits defeat and hands the food back, and receives her money. The delivery boy walks off.)   ELAINE: (at the boy's back) This isn't fair. This is address discrimination!     [Another Street]   (George is standing outside a store, looking preoccupied. Jerry emerges from the store with a carrier bag full of stuff.)   JERRY: Well, I cleaned out their whole dental hygiene shelf.   GEORGE: So the plan is to secretly sterilise her mouth?   (They begin to walk along the street.)   JERRY: By the time I'm through with her mouth, she'll be able to eat off it. Is it safe to drink bleach if you dilute it?   GEORGE: No, stings the throat. Anyway, so I was coming along here, and I felt like a piece of cake, you know? But then I thought, it's morning, I should really have a muffin. I like those chocolate chip ones. Then I figured, well, they're really both cake. So I, uh, I sat on that bench for a little while, twenty minutes or an hour, and then I figured, check and see what you were up to. (a thought occurs to him) Wait a minute, wait a minute. The broad jump! The broad jump over the pothole on Eighty-sixth Street!   (George dashes off excitedly. Jerry follows, with somewhat less enthusiasm. )     [Eighty-sixth Street]   (George is still animatedly leading Jerry along in pursuit of his keys.)   GEORGE: Now I remember, as I jumped over the hole I heard a, like a jingling sound.   JERRY: You didn't look down?   GEORGE: I was trying to stick the landing. (indistinct) ...was right around here.   (He peers about at the road surface for the pothole. He finds a patch of fresh tarmac.)   GEORGE: No! No!!   (A car drives by, running right over the patch.)   HEAD (O.C.): Holy, Holy Cow!   JERRY: Poor son of a bitch.     [Jenna's Apartment]   (Jenna is at the sink in her bathroom, using an electric toothbrush which Jerry has bought her. It's loud.)   JERRY: It's a hundred thousand revolutions a second. It's the most powerful one they make.   JENNA: It's like I'm holding a blender.   JERRY: The engine's made by McDonnell-Douglas.   (Jerry begins to wander into the living room. Jenna switches off the brush.)   JERRY: Oh no, you keep going. It shuts off automatically.   JENNA: (restarting and reapplying the brush) Really, it does?   JERRY: (unheard by Jenna) When the battery runs out.   JENNA: (shouting to Jerry) I was really happy with my old toothbrush.   (In the living room, Jerry is carefully putting the old brush into a plastic bag, being very careful not to touch it with his bare skin. He then seals the bag.)   JERRY: No, trust me, that one was doing more harm than good. Don't forget to use the Plax too.   (Jenna takes a sip from a glass as if to gargle.)   JENNA (O.C.): That stuff tastes like bleach!   (Jerry is looking for a place to put the soiled brush.)   JERRY: I don't know anything about that.   (Just before Jenna emerges from the bathroom, Jerry throws the bag with the brush out of the window.)   JENNA: Mmm. My mouth feels so clean.   JERRY: That's the idea.   (Jenna approaches Jerry, clearly intending to kiss him. As Jenna leans toward him, Jerry gets a flashback of the toothbrush plunging into the toilet bowl, in black and white, with portentous music. From his viewpoint, we see Jenna's lips looming toward him. He looks nauseated by the prospect of the kiss, and pulls away.)   JERRY: You know, maybe we better not. I, I think I'm getting a little cold. I don't wanna give you any of my germs.   JENNA: Aww. Okay. Thanks, I guess.     [Jerry's Car]   (Jerry driving with Elaine in the passenger seat.)   ELAINE: You still couldn't kiss her?   JERRY: She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.   ELAINE: Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.   JERRY: Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.   ELAINE: Jer, do you see where this is going?   JERRY: Being really clean and happy?   ELAINE: Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.   JERRY: Disorder?   ELAINE: And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.   JERRY: (thoughtful) Hmm, that could hurt me. (pointing out of window) Hey, there it is.   (We see Jerry and Elaine's view of the road signs. 'Mile 114' 'Adopt-a-Highway' and 'Litter removal next 1 Mile KRAMER'.)   ELAINE: Shall we stop and say hi?   JERRY: Nah, we've seen it.   ELAINE: Yeah.     [Mile 114]   (Kramer is standing on the verge beside a large pile of plastic bags full of trash, a couple of brooms lean against the crash barrier. He has an armful of assorted garbage. Jerry's car passes in the traffic, and a brief beep of the horn is heard.)   KRAMER: (shouting after car) Hey Jerry! Yeah, I'll see you back at the house!   (He drops the last handful of trash into a bag.)   KRAMER: Mile one-fourteen, clean as a whistle.   (He claps his hands in satisfaction, and looks out at 'his' road. He notices something. In the middle of the road is a Coke can, crushed by traffic.)   (Kramer makes a decision, and dashes out into the traffic to retrieve the can. His progress to the can is accompanied by the squeal of brakes and the blare of horns as the traffic passes him. As he reaches the can, one car has to come to a complete stop. Kramer grabs the can and hurries back to the side of the road, where he leans on the barrier.)     [Apartment Building]   (Elaine is in the hallway of a building, outside Apartment 1A. She knocks at the door and a guy opens it.)   MAN: Yeah?   ELAINE: Hi. I'm your neighbour, uh, fr... from across the street. And uh, (coughs nervously) I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, if I could use your apartment to order some food?   MAN: Wha? What d'you want?   ELAINE: You see, there's this certain flounder and they won't deliver it to my side of the street.   MAN: Wh, when is that?   ELAINE: No, I just need them to deliver it here and I have to be kinda inside is all.   MAN: Who are you with?   ELAINE: No, actually I'm... I'm just kind of hungry.   MAN: Who let you in?   ELAINE: Well, the lock was broken. You just have to jiggle it, actually. But, I just need like a half an hour to an hour.   (The man shuts the door in her face.)   (Elaine turns to leave, and as she does she sees an unmarked door opposite which stands open. She crosses over for a closer look. It's clearly a janitor's closet, with the usual fixings. A thought occurs to Elaine, and a smile comes to her face.)     [Jerry's Apartment]   (Jerry has just entered and is removing his coat. Kramer is in the kitchen cleaning highway signs in the sink.)   JERRY: What's with the signs?   KRAMER: Hey, you should see the Berkhardt, Jerry. My mile is spotless. I mean the big stuff was easy. Cinderblocks, air-conditioners, shopping carts (makes sound - fzup!), I just rolled 'em into the woods.   JERRY: Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway.   KRAMER: (holding up a sign) Speed limit, one hundred and sixty-five miles per hour. See? They slipped a one in there. (laughing) Those kids with the spray paint, God love 'em.   (George enters.)   JERRY: Hey. So, keys?   GEORGE: No keys. And I been calling the city all day. Course there's not really a number to call if you wanna make a pothole.   JERRY: I guess they leave that up to the general population.   GEORGE: I tell you this. If the real Phil Rizzuto was down there, this wouldn't be happening!   JERRY: Hard to say.   KRAMER: Hey, you need some roadwork done? 'Cos I met some maintenance guys today on the highway, they could probably help you out.   GEORGE: Really?   KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah. I borrowed some cones from them when I was sweeping my car-pool lane.   (The buzzer buzzes.)   JERRY: Yeah?   JENNA (O.C.): It's Jenna.   (Jerry buzzes Jenna in, opens the door and indicates to George and Kramer that their presence is no longer required.)   JERRY: If you guys wouldn't mind, I would like to ward off dementia.   (George and Kramer leave, still discussing the maintenance guys.)   GEORGE: You think you could hook me up with these guys?   KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah. Give me a ring tomorrow. I'm gonna be at emergency callbox seven-eight-four.   GEORGE: Seven-eight-four.   (Jenna enters.)   JENNA: Hey.   JERRY: Hi.   JENNA: How you feeling?   JERRY: Good. My cold's gone, and I've been looking forwards to kissing you, which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready.   (Jenna moves in for the kiss. As she leans towards Jerry, he gets that revolted look on his again and turns his face away.)   JENNA: What?!   JERRY: Nothing. I just, I uh, I bruised my lip. I was drinking a Celray, and I brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip, (lower voice and hurriedly) and then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet and I wasn't able to tell you before you could use it.   JENNA: What?   JERRY: I'm sorry.   JENNA: When were you gonna tell me this?!   JERRY: Obviously never.   (The door opens and Kramer enters.)   KRAMER: I need the yield sign.   (Kramer goes and begins to gather the signs from the kitchen.)   JERRY: Kramer, I'm kind of in the middle of something. Would you get these signs out of here, please?   (Kramer brings his signs from the kitchen and Jerry picks up those which were on his table. Together they carry them across the hall to Kramer's apartment.)   KRAMER: You could've introduced me.   JERRY: I wouldn't know where to start.   (As Jerry is about to return to his apartment, the door is slammed shut. He tries to open it, but it has been locked.)   JERRY: (knocking) Hey, Jenna. Hey!   (Jenna opens the door, she has her jacket in her hand and is ready to leave.)   JENNA: There. Now something of yours has been in the toilet.   JERRY: What?! Wha... what'd you put in there?   JENNA: Gotta run.   (Jenna departs, leaving Jerry looking around him. He's wide-eyed, looking panicky and disgusted.)   JERRY: Oh, man!     [Jerry's Apartment]   (Jerry is on the phone. His table is covered with bottles of cleaning fluids, disinfectants, etc.. He is wearing a rubber glove to hold a spatula. Elaine is eating an apple and watching him.)   JERRY: (into phone) Hello, Jenna, did you dunk the spatula? Was it the spatula? Hello? Dammit!   (Frustrated, he throws the spatula into the waste bin.)   ELAINE: She won't even give you a hint?   JERRY: No. Could be anything. The whole apartment's a biohazard.   ELAINE: You know what I bet it is? (points) Your remote.   JERRY: Yes, that is a definite possibility.   (He picks up the remote control and drops it into a waste bin.)   ELAINE: (walking to the couch) Or, could be your walkman there.   (Jerry picks up the walkman and begins to deposit it in the trash, then a thought occurs to him. Elaine sits on the couch and picks up the phone.)   JERRY: Are you just screwing with me?   ELAINE: Yeah, I am.   (Jerry thinks for a second, then he throws the walkman in the garbage anyway. Kramer enters carrying a box.)   KRAMER: Hey ah.   JERRY: Hey, how's life on the road?   KRAMER: Oh, I'm making a difference Jerry.   JERRY: I don't doubt it.   (Kramer puts his box on the kitchen counter.)   KRAMER: You should see the smiles on the drivers' faces. I mean, you gotta look quick, but they're there.   (From the box, Kramer picks up square orange reflective objects.)   JERRY: What's this?   KRAMER: Well, you know, those annoying little bumps on the lane-lines? (makes noise - bum, bum, bum, bum, bump)   JERRY: Isn't that some kind of safety thing?   KRAMER: Well, I had to pull 'em up if I'm gonna widen the lanes.   JERRY: What the hell are you talking about?   KRAMER: Ah, you know how in planes they got first class? More leg room, better ride? Well, I'm bringing that concept to mile one-fourteen.   (Elaine has the receiver from the phone held to her ear.)   ELAINE: How are you gonna widen the lanes?   KRAMER: Well you black out lane-lines one and three, and a four-lane highway becomes a two-lane comfort cruise. (to Jerry) So, you got any black paint?   JERRY: (sarcasm) Yeah, in my toolshed, next to the riding mower.   ELAINE: (into phone) Yuh, I'd like an order of supreme flounder, number forty-seven. Yeah, apartment one-Q.   JERRY: One-Q? Whose apartment is that?   ELAINE: That's the janitor closet, across the street.   JERRY: You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet, just to get this flounder?   ELAINE: It's better than eating it alone in the restaurant, like some loser.   (Kramer is applying something from Jerry's table of cleaning fluids, etc, to his neck, like a cologne.)   KRAMER: That stuff is unbelievable. I'd eat it out of a dumpster.   ELAINE: (heading to door) How do you know about it? You're not in the delivery zone.   KRAMER: Well, Newman uses his mail truck to run fish for China Panda on the weekends.   ELAINE: Well, mine's coming in ten, so... see you boys.   (Elaine leaves.)   KRAMER: Now, where's that tool shed of yours?     [Apartment Building]   (The delivery boy from China Panda in the hallway. He knocks at the door to the janitor's closet. He looks at the label on the door, which is a piece of tape with '1Q' crudely written in magic marker. He waits for a couple of seconds then knocks again. Elaine opens the door, with a towel wrapped around her head, as if her hair is wet.)   ELAINE: Hi. Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was in the shower.   (She takes the bag with her order and hands over some money. The delivery boy is trying to see past her into the 'apartment'.)   ELAINE: I'll see you.   (She shuts the door, leaving the delivery boy looking a tad bemused.)     [Eighty-sixth Street]   (George stands by the filled pothole. A highway maintenance truck is parked next to it. A trio of workers approach George, and the senior man speaks.)   RALPH: You Costanza?   GEORGE: Yeah. Thanks for, thanks for coming by fellas. Eh, got a set of keys, buried in the pothole.   RALPH: What're the keys doing in there?   GEORGE: Just need to uh, to dig 'em up.   RALPH: You put 'em in there?   GEORGE: Nah, nah, it's uh, it's a long story. Just uh, try to get it up.   RALPH: Bad place to put your keys.   GEORGE: Yeah, I know that. (clears throat) Could you start, working?   RALPH: Difficult job. You want those keys, we're gonna have to dig this up.   GEORGE: (penny drops) Oh, uh, wait a minute, wait a minute. (snorts) Is this about money?   RALPH: Yeah. (snorts) It's about money.     [Mile 114]   (Kramer is driving his car slowly along the Expressway. On either side of his boot is balanced an orange road cone. The traffic is passing him, and the blare of horns is regularly heard.)   (Kramer opens the driver side door. He picks up a paint roller, and loads it with black paint from a tray on the passenger seat. Then he leans out of the door and rolls the paint over the lane markers, still steering the car with his other hand.)     [Apartment Building]   (Elaine emerges from the janitor's closet. She's wiping her lips, following the flounder repast. As she does so, a woman walking along the hall notices her.)   MRS ALLISTER: 'Scuse me, what are you doing in there?   ELAINE: Uhm, nothing. I was just uhm... I wasn't in there.   MRS ALLISTER: You were hanging around in there, lazing on the job. When you shoulda been downstairs in the basement, cleaning out those old carpets and scrap wood.   ELAINE: Right, because... I'm the janitor. (picks teeth with fingernail)   MRS ALLISTER: Don't get smart with me.   ELAINE: (meek) Yes ma'am.     [Kramer's Apartment]   (Kramer is in bed. His alarm goes off, and the radio comes on in the middle of the traffic report. Kramer wakes up and listens.)   RADIO: Hey, and if you're heading north on the Arthur Berkhardt, whoah Nelly, for some reason four lanes are converging into two, instantaneously right at mile-marker one-fourteen. I don't know what that is, but the A-B's a parking lot out there. Somebody screwed up on that one.   (By the end of the report, Kramer looks slightly worried.)     [Janitor's Closet]   (Elaine stands waiting in the closet. There's the usual paraphernalia - buckets, brooms, cleaning materials, stepladder, boxes, etc.. There's a knock at the door. Elaine opens it to find Jerry.)   ELAINE: Oh it's you.   JERRY: Is the flounder here yet?   ELAINE: No, it's not here yet. You want the tour?   (Jerry enters, and Elaine closes the door.)   ELAINE: (gesturing) There's this.   JERRY: Nice. French doors'd really open this place up. Oh, but you have a slop-bucket.   (There's another knock at the door.)   ELAINE: (gleeful) The fish!   (She opens the door to find George. He's wearing a tartan workshirt.)   ELAINE: Ah, what're you doing here?   GEORGE: Hey.   JERRY: Hey.   (George joins Jerry and Elaine in the closet. It's getting a bit cramped.)   GEORGE: Oh, I was uh, I was waiting downstairs for the jackhammer, thought I'd drop by.   JERRY: Kramer's guys?   GEORGE: Yeah. I got 'em down to fifty bucks. I just have to do all the jackhammering myself.   JERRY: Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labour fantasy camp.   (The door is pushed open from the outside. It thumps into George who is pushed into Elaine, who stumbles into Jerry.)   GEORGE: Ow!   ELAINE: Uh, man!   (Kramer enters the now crowded closet.)   KRAMER: Huh, yeah. (looks round) Oh, sweet setup. Elaine, d'you have any paint thinner? I need like uh, forty gallons.   ELAINE: I'm plumb out.   KRAMER: Oh man, if I don't get that black paint off the City's gonna go ape. I don't wanna lose my baby!   (There's yet another knock at the door. More strident.)   MRS ALLISTER (O.C.): Janitor?   ELAINE: (to the guys) Uh, Mrs Allister. (louder) Yeah, uh, just coming Mrs Allister. (to guys) Okay, I've gotta get out.   (Elaine struggle to squeeze past George, and then Kramer to reach the door. The she has to make room to swing the door inwards.)   ELAINE: Here, can you move, you gotta move from the door.   (She succeeds in squeezing out, and stumbles into the hallway. The crush behind her slams the door shut.)   ELAINE: Hi, I uhm... What can I do for you?   MRS ALLISTER: I told you yesterday to haul that trash outta the basement.   ELAINE: Yeah, I am so sorry.   MRS ALLISTER: Some of the children have been playing near it and putting it in their mouths.   ELAINE: Well, a lot of it is vegetable...   (In the closet, the guys are struggling together with equipment and supplies in the cramped space. The thumps of their movements can be heard in the hallway.)   MRS ALLISTER: Get that stuff outta there today, or you'll be outta here. Understand?   ELAINE: (meekly) Yes ma'am.   (The janitor's closet door opens and the guys stumble out.)   GEORGE: ...stop pushing. (to Elaine) Kramer spilled ammonia.   JERRY: I don't feel like eating.   KRAMER: (holding up a set of heavy chains) I'm gonna borrow this, huh?   ELAINE: (to Mrs Allister) Janitor's meeting.     [Jerry's Apartment]   (Jenna enters and sits, Jerry closes the door behind her. It is clear that Jerry has gone overboard in his efforts to dispose of whatever was contaminated - his kitchen shelves are bare, and most other surfaces are free of the usual knick-knacks.)   JENNA: So Jerry, why'd you call me?   JERRY: Well, I thought it's about time we put aside all this silliness. I know now you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl. (pause) Did you?   JENNA: Yes, I did.   JERRY: Well, whatever. So, how've you been?   JENNA: Good.   JERRY: Good. (pause) Steak knife?   JENNA: Just eating away at you isn't it?   JERRY: Nah.   (The door opens and Elaine enters.)   ELAINE: Hi.   JENNA: Hi.   JERRY: Hi.   ELAINE: Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?   JERRY: For what?   ELAINE: I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump.   JERRY: Dirt? That's alright, (for Jenna's benefit) because there's nothing wrong with dirt.   ELAINE: Well, actually it's pretty grimy.   JERRY: Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever it is, you take that stuff and put it right on my leather upholstery.   (He hands the keys to Elaine.)   ELAINE: Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car.   JERRY: Sure. Bye.   ELAINE: Bye.   JENNA: Bye.   ELAINE: Bye.   (Elaine leaves.)   JERRY: There, you see? I just leant her my car, and she's gonna fill it with all sorts of... (he cracks) Alright! You win! That car was my last germ-free sanctuary. I slept there last night! Now, for the love of God, please, what is it? What is it?!   JENNA: Toilet brush.   JERRY: Toilet brush, oh (he pulls a 'Damn, shoulda guessed!' face). Alright, I can replace that.   JENNA: You wanna order dinner?   JERRY: Yeah. Let's uh, go to your place. Because I, threw out all my dishes.     [Eighty-sixth Street]   (Elaine strides along the sidewalk looking very blue-collar in overalls and cap, grimy face, etc. She has some old carpet slung over one shoulder and some paint cans in her hand. A jackhammer can be heard. As she walks along, she passes George who is holding the jackhammer. She nods acknowledgment and he touches the peak of his hardhat. George gives the pothole a burst from the jackhammer.)     [Street]   (Kramer struggles to lift a forty-gallon drum into the boot of his car. He eventually heaves it in.)     [Jenna's Apartment]   (Jerry and Jenna, sitting on the couch, eating and conversing (looks like Chinese food).)   JERRY: That's true.   JENNA: Mm.   JERRY: But, I'll tell you this much. I am never going to let some silly hygienic mishap get in the way of, what could be, a meaningful, long-lasting relationship.     [Eighty-sixth Street]   (George is giving the street a long burst from the jackhammer. Suddenly, there is a clang. George stops hammering, and listens. There is a deep rumbling sound, from beneath his feet, which seems to be getting louder. He looks around for the source of the noise.)     [Jenna's Apartment]   (Jenna and Jerry are still eating on the couch. The rumbling noise can be heard,  though not so loud as outside. Then, in the bathroom, the toilet starts to  rattle.)   JENNA: Do you hear something?   (They both listen intently. The rumble continues and, in the bathroom, the toilet  rattles again, the cistern shaking.)   JERRY: I don't know what that could be.   (Jenna gets up and goes to the bathroom door.)     [Eighty-sixth Street]   (There is a rending sound, and a huge jet of water erupts from the ground right in front of George, where he was hammering. There is a shot from above the rising column of water. On the top rises George's keyring.)   HEAD: Holy cow!   (The plume of water rises high above George, who can be seen looking up at the height of it.)     [Jenna's Apartment]   (In the bathroom, Jenna is peering curiously at her rattling toilet, wondering what's wrong. She leans toward the bowl. Jerry is in the living room, still talking to her.)   JERRY: Anyway, I'm a new man, and I'm looking towards the future. Clean, dirty, whatever.   (There is the sound of a wet explosion and splashing water, followed by Jenna screaming in the bathroom. Jerry leaps to his feet and rushes to see what has happened.)   (Jerry enters the bathroom and sees Jenna. Only her forearm is visible to us, but it's enough for us to know that she is wringing wet as the result of a violent eruption from the toilet bowl.)   (Jerry's face registers his obvious distaste. He shrugs, sorry.)   JERRY: Holy cow! Have a nice life.   (He closes the bathroom door as he leaves.)     [Jerry's Car]   (Elaine driving. The passenger seats are piled with the garbage from the basement - old carpets, bits of timber, boxes, etc. An external shot of the car reveals she is driving on Kramer's section of road, as the black-painted lane markers can be seen.)   ELAINE: Hey, look at this. Wide lanes. This is so luxurious. Woo, yeah.   (We see the Saab weave across the extra wide lanes. From the boot falls a battered sewing machine. It sits in the middle of the carriageway.)     [Arthur Berkhardt Expressway]   (Kramer is manhandling the forty gallon drum out of his boot. He struggles to heave it clear, and then he drops it. The drum falls onto its side, and the lid comes off, spilling the contents across the road.)   KRAMER: Bugger!     [Newman's Truck]   (Newman is singing as he drives. Beside him are a stack of boxes, marked 'Fresh Fish'.)   NEWMAN: (sings) You're once. Twice. Three times a lady.   (There's a loud crash as the truck runs over the sewing machine. Tyres squeal as Newman regains control.)   NEWMAN: What the hell was that?   (The truck is travelling along with the sewing machine caught on the front axle. As it scrapes along the road, it leaves a huge trail of sparks behind.)     [Arthur Berkhardt Expressway]   (Kramer rights the empty drum and does a double-take as he notices the warning  labels on the side - 'Paint Thinner' 'Highly Flammable'.)   KRAMER: Double bugger!     [Newman's Truck]   (Newman still singing, although the grinding sound of the sewing machine is almost drowning out his voice. The sewing machine is still producing a shower of sparks under the truck.)   NEWMAN: (sings) Yes, you're once. Twice. Three times...   (Suddenly, the truck clearly reaches the pool of thinner and the sparks ignite it. Flames shoot up around the truck, and are reflected in the windows. Newman begins screaming and yelling in the midst of the inferno.)   NEWMAN: Aaah! Aaagh! Aah-aah. Oh, oh the humanity! Aaagh!     [Arthur Berkhardt Expressway]   (Kramer finally manages to get the drum back into his boot and slams the lid down. Then he sees Newman staggering along the road. Newman is walking stiffly, and is singed all over, with blackened patches on his hair and clothing. He's staring ahead, clearly in such a state of shock that he's uncomprehending of his surroundings.)   KRAMER: Hey buddy. What're you doing out here?   (Newman continues to walk, oblivious of Kramer.)   KRAMER: Man, did you see that fireball? Woo-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo.   (Newman still doesn't respond. In the distance the sound of sirens can be heard. Kramer hears them, looks worried, and moves toward the car.)   KRAMER: Hey, I gotta skedaddle. You wanna lift?   (Kramer has the driver's door open and is impatient to be off. The sirens  continue.)   KRAMER: Newman! Newman!!   (Kramer gets in the car and leans out of the window to call to Newman.)   KRAMER: Well, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.   (He starts the car, and leaves with a squeal of protesting tyres. Newman continues his walk.)   (As the Castle Rock logo comes up, Newman can be heard screaming 'Aargh!'. )    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 73 - The Masseuse  pc: 509, season 5, episode 9  Broadcast date: November 18, 1993   Written by Peter Mehlman  Directed by Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Lisa Edelstein  .....................  Karen  Jennifer Coolidge ................  Jody  Anthony Cistaro ................. Joel Rifkin  John Glen Bishop ................. Ticket Man  Hiram Kasten  ..................... Michael  Lisa Pescia ........................... Lisa   ==================================================================   [Setting: Night club]    JERRY: If there's a serial killer lose in your neighborhood, it seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards. Right? "Oh, he was kind of quiet." I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering, just stereo. Chain saws, people screaming, fine. Just keep the music down. And all these women who always fall in love with the serial killer. They write to him in prison. Here's a woman that's hard to disappoint. I guess she's only upset when she finds out he's stopped killing people and she goes: "You know sometimes I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore".     [setting: Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment]    (Elaine's on the phone with Jerry)    JERRY: No eight years isn't such a long streak.    ELAINE: It isn't?    JERRY: No I haven't vomited in thirteen years.    ELAINE: Get out!    JERRY: Not since June 29, 1980.    ELAINE: You remember the date?    JERRY: Yes, because my previous vomit was also June 29th... 1972. That's why during the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George: "Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again."    ELAINE: Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years, I was wondering if he was normal.    JERRY: No Elaine he's normal. Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New-York.    ELAINE: Yeah... (2 co-workers enter Elaine's office) Oh Jer, I gotta go. I gotta go. (she hangs up)    JOANNE: Hi, we just saw your boyfriend at a bus stop.    ELAINE: Oh, yeah?    JOANNE: Yeah. What's his name?    ELAINE: Joel...    JOANNE: Joel what?    ELAINE: Uh... (clears her throat) Rifkin.    MICHAEL: Rifkin? Joel Rifkin?    ELAINE: Yeah. It's just a coincidence obviously.    MICHAEL: Guess you better keep on his good side.    ELAINE: Very funny. That's very funny.    JOANNE: I wouldn't sleep with my back to him if I were you.    ELAINE: All right. Well that's enough of that. That's enough.    MICHAEL: Hey Elaine listen. If you smell anything decaying in the trunk of his car...    ELAINE: (she's upset, gets up and yells) OK look this is my boyfriend we're talking about OK? And he's a gentlemen, he's good looking, he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eigth years so just shut up about him! Shut up!    (scene ends)     [setting: Jerry's]    ELAINE: The whole city is talking about this monster Joel Rifkin, and I am dating a Joel Rifkin.    JERRY: But you like your Joel Rifkin.    ELAINE: Yeah. I just wish he has a different name.    JERRY: Ask him to change it.    ELAINE: You can't ask a person to change their name.    JERRY: Why not?    ELAINE: Would you change yours?    JERRY: If someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude Seinfeld.    (Kramer enters)    ELAINE: Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle? Eighteen?    JERRY: Yeah. Eighteen strangles.    KRAMER: You know why Rifkin was a serial killer? Because he was adopted. (saying it as he's taking a lot of paper towels from Jerry's roll; Elaine and Jerry are confused at Kramer's statement) Just like Son of Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption leads to serial killing. (Kramer leaves and we don't know why he needed so much paper towels)    ELAINE: You know Joel and I have an extra ticket to the Giants game.    (Jerry doesn't have the time to open his mouth before Kramer pops in again)    KRAMER: I'll go.    ELAINE: O.K. I'll leave the ticket for you at will call.    KRAMER: Yeah! Ooh! (leaves again)    ELAINE: You think I should have asked George?    JERRY: Hey did you hear that George got back with Karen?    ELAINE: Karen?    JERRY: Risotto. (we see a flashback from The Mango where Karen tells George that she feels full after a Risotto, as opposed to when she has sex with him)    ELAINE: Oh! The Risotto broad.    JERRY: Yeah. He's really got a good thing with her. In fact I'm doubling with them tonight.    ELAINE: I tought you didn't like double dates.    JERRY: George likes them, he feels it's a good personality showcase. He likes a date to see him with a friend so she can get a window into his nondate personality.    ELAINE: I've looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the blinds.    JERRY: He feels he's funnier, more relaxed.    ELAINE: And you're taking...    JERRY: Jody the masseuse.    ELAINE: Hey, did you get a massage yet?    JERRY: No! How many times do I have to go out with her before I get a massage?    ELAINE: Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't wanna to give them on dates.    JERRY: Yeah I know... She just wants to have sex.    ELAINE: So what?    JERRY: So it's like going to Idhao and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idhao, I want a potato.    (scene ends)     [setting: The Chinese restaurant (the same as in 'The Chinese Restaurant')]    (Jerry, Jody, Karen and George sitting at a table. Yes! They got a table!)    GEORGE: (George is telling a story. Karen is laughing and she seems to be the only one to find him funny) So I go into this clothing store and the saleswoman is wearing this (whistling) low cut thing. So I said to her: "Can I ask you a question? When you put on a top like that, what's your tought process? What's going on in your mind?"    KAREN: That is so funny.    GEORGE: (to Jody) You're listening to this?    JODI: Yeah. I heard you.    JERRY: (to Jody) My neck is killing me. Right in this spot. Very tender over here.    JODI: (to George) So what did she say?    GEORGE: Well nothing. I didn't actually say that. (Karen is still laughing)    JODI: You just said that you said it.    GEORGE: Sweetheart, I was exaggerating.    KAREN: I'm learning a lot about you tonight George. I've never seen you like this.    JERRY: (touching the back of his neck) It's like somebody's pulling on wires back here.    GEORGE: You know it's like you never see a really attractive woman getting a traffic ticket.    JODI: How can you say that? My sister got a ticket last week. Are you saying she's not attractive?    GEORGE: Well I've never met your sister but obviously these are not hard-and-fast rules. (to the waitress) Darling, the tea is getting a little cold sweetheart.    JODI: (to Jerry) Can we go?    JERRY: Yeah. Let's go.    KAREN: So soon? (they get up)    JERRY: Yeah. Good seeing you again Karen.    KAREN: Yeah.    JODI: Nice meeting you Karen.    KAREN: Yeah. Nice to meet you too and I'm gonna call you about that massage.    JODI: Oh yeah.    GEORGE: Jody let's do this agian real soon (he tends his arms for a hug but she avoids him)    JODI: Yeah. (she and Jerry walk away)    (scene ends)     [setting: Jerry's place later that night]    (Jerry and Jody are sitting next to each other on the couch, watching TV)    JERRY: I strained my neck last night.    JODI: Really, how?    JERRY: I tried brushing my teeth by holding the brush and moving my head from side to side. It didn't work.    JODI: So what's the deal with your friend George?    JERRY: No deal. Why?    JODI: What was all that "attractive women not getting tickets" nonsense?    JERRY: Oh well, he was just showcasing his nondate pesonality.    JODI: I don't know how you can hang out with that guy.    JERRY: Yeah. Sometimes he really makes me tense (he takes Jody's hand and put it on his shoulder)    JODI: Did you see the way that he was eating?    JERRY: Yeah, he's disgusting. (putting her hand back on his shoulder. She unconsciously starts to massage a little while watching TV)    JODI: I have to tell you, I really don't like him.    JERRY: Yeah, me either. (he takes her other hand and put it on his other shoulder)    JODI: It's just I hate that type.    JERRY: Yeah, he's a bad seed.    JODI: Now you however, you, I like. (she stops massaging and kisses Jerry)    JERRY: What are you doing?    JODI: What do you think I'm doing? (he won't get his massage...)    (scene ends)     [setting: The Chinese restaurant]    (George and Karen are still at the table, they're about to leave)    GEORGE: So, what do you think?    KAREN: Really enjoyed it.    GEORGE: Jody's nice.    KAREN: She's very nice. (grabs George's hand) Let's discuss this later.    GEORGE: You think she liked me? She seemed to like me.    KAREN: Yeah    GEORGE: I was personable. Don't you think I was personable?    KAREN: You were extremely personable.    GEORGE: I tought I picked up a little something. I'm very good at this. Did you pick up anything?    KAREN: I didn't pick up anything.    GEORGE: The second time I sent the noodles back, I tought she made a face...    KAREN: I didn't see a face.    GEORGE: I tought I saw a face.    KAREN: Anyhow, what is the difference?    GEORGE: No difference. I could care less. She's Jerry's girlfriend.    KAREN: George, George, instead of talking about this, we could be... you know... (she makes a move with her head like George did in 'The Mango' while saying: "instead of the movie...")    GEORGE: He he he he    KAREN: Ah ah ah ah    GEORGE: So you think she likes me?    (Karen gives up and slams her forehead down on the table)    (scene ends)     [setting: Elaine's place]    (She's sitting on the couch, reading, and Joel is coming quietly behind her to massage her neck.)    ELAINE: (as he touches her) Uhh! What are you doing?    JOEL: Massaging your neck.    ELAINE: Oh. Huh. Of course. Massaging.    JOEL: Uh, boning up on football? (talking about the magazine she's reading as he sits beside her)    ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. You know what? There are a lot of players named Deon these days. What a cool name, Deon. If I were gonna change my name, I'd go with Deon.    JOEL: Deon Benes?    ELAINE: Well as a woman, it makes no sense. But, I mean, let's say I was you. And I decided I was gonna change my name for no real reasons whatsoever-- Deon Rifkin. Wow! That is so cool.    JOEL: D-Deon Rifkin?    ELAINE: Well maybe you're not the Dion type. O.K. then let's see, let's see, what do we got? (looking at the magazine, she starts to gasp and loses it) Oh! Oh oh oh! O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! You don't even use a name, it's just initials. Oh please please please change your name to O.J.! Please, it would be so great!    JOEL: Elaine! What is going on?    (scene ends)     [setting: Monk's]    (Jerry and George at a booth)    GEORGE: She stayed over?    JERRY: Yeah. (disappointed)    GEORGE: The sex wasn't so good?    JERRY: No. The sex was fabulous.    GEORGE: So?    JERRY: I want the massage!    GEORGE: Did you ask her?    JERRY: I tried putting her hands there (on his neck) but she pulls it away immediately, she's not into it.    GEORGE: Why not?    JERRY: I guess 'cause it's her job. It's very frustrating.    GEORGE: So we had a good time... the four of us.    JERRY: Yeah.    GEORGE: We all got along. Everyone seemed very pleasant.    JERRY: Yeah.    GEORGE: What did Jodi say?    JERRY: She had a good time.    GEORGE: Is that it?    JERRY: Pretty much.    GEORGE: Did she say anything about, uh...    JERRY: What?    GEORGE: Nah. It's all right. Great! She had a good time.    JERRY: Yeah (a so-so yeah as he takes a sip of coffee)    GEORGE: You just hesitated.    JERRY: I was blowing on the coffee.    GEORGE: She didn't like me?    JERRY: Look it's not like you're gonna be spending a lot of time with her.    GEORGE: So she doesn't like me?    JERRY: No.    GEORGE: She said that?    JERRY: Yes.    GEORGE: She told you she doesn't like me!    JERRY: Yes.    GEORGE: What were her exact--    JERRY: "I don't like him."    GEORGE: Uh-Huh (gulp) Why didn't she like me?    JERRY: Not everybody likes everybody!    GEORGE: I tried to be nice. I wasn't nice?    JERRY: You were very nice!    GEORGE: I bent over backwards for that woman! Is it that thing I said about her sister?    JERRY: It has nothing to do with her sister.    GEORGE: I don't even know her sister but believe me, if she's getting traffic tickets, she's not that good-looking! Woah   (scene ends)     [setting: hall in Jerry's building]    (George and Jerry are coming back from Monk's)    GEORGE: You vomited in 1987.    JERRY: Oh no. That was the dry heaves.    (Jodi is in front of Jerry's door)    JERRY: Jodi.    JODI: Hey, Jerry.    GEORGE: Ha! Ha! Hey! (moving his arms like: it's so great to be all here)    JERRY: What are you doing here?    JODI: I was giving Kramer a massage.    JERRY: Kramer! (tries to hide he's upset and jealous)    JODI: I got to run. I have an appointment downtown.    GEORGE: Here. Let me take your tabe downstairs for you.    JODI: No that's O.K.    GEORGE: Please give it to me. I love to help people. This is what I do. Come on. I'm going this way. (he takes the table from Jodi's hands and she has no choice but to follow him)    JERRY: I'll see you tonight. (he's opening his door apartment as Kramer comes out of his in a bathrobe)    KRAMER: Hey! I am looser than creamed corn!    JERRY: Who told you to get a massage from her. I haven't gotten a massage from her yet!    KRAMER: You don't know what you're missing buddy.    (they enter Jerry's apartment)    (scene ends)     [setting: street in front of Jerry's building]    (George and Jodi)    GEORGE: No one hails a cab like me. My hailing technique is unmatched. I get the wrist going from side to side and boom! Cabs are crashing into themselves to just pick me up. (a cab stops) All right, here we go. Let me get door. Feminists aside, I know women like the door holding. Here we are all righty. O.K. Jodi let's get together again real soon and say hello to your sister for me.    JODI: You've never met. (the cab starts and George is following to keep talking to Jodi)    GEORGE: Whatever. Believe me, if I wasn't involved right now, I wouldn't mind being set up. Something tells me she's a knockout. (we see, from the camera inside the cab, George's hand waving as the cab drives away)    (scene ends)     [setting: Jerry's apartment]    (Kramer is lying on the couch as Jerry is cutting a block of cheese on the kitchen counter)    KRAMER: (Kramer is talking much more slowly and smoother than usual) First she sets the mood perfectly with this new age music played over ocean sounds. Then she lays you out on this table, and she proceeds to rub oil over your entire body. And she rubs long... and deep... Jerry, she rubs with love. (Jerry is obviously cutting much harder than the cheese needs it as he listens to Kramer) Every muscles she touches just... (long pause) ooo-zz-es. Beneath those silky, soft fingers, you can scarcely contain yourself, buddy. (Jerry slams down the knife and goes to the couch)    JERRY: So you had a good time.    KRAMER: Oh... yeah...    JERRY: Enjoyed yourself.    KRAMER: Very... much...    JERRY: All right now you listen and you listen good! (he grabs Kramer's legs and throws him down the couch)    KRAMER: What! (Kramer is back to his usual way of speaking)    JERRY: The massages are out!    KRAMER: Wha--    JERRY: Ahh!!! They're out!    KRAMER: Why?!    JERRY: Because if I can't get one, you're not getting one.    KRAMER: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I need my massages! Can't you see I'm burned out!    JERRY: I'm sorry, Kramer. (he goes back to the kitchen)    KRAMER: Why? Why? Look, I paid for her. (Jerry stops walking)    JERRY: Don't you ever talk about her like that!    KRAMER: But why?    JERRY: That's final!!!    KRAMER: Ah!!! Yahh!!!    (scene ends)     [setting: Giants Stadium]    (Elaine and Joel)    ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Giants stadium.   ELAINE: Oh, you have photos in your wallet?    JOEL: Yeah. Why? Is that weird?    ELAINE: No, it's normal. You're very normal. You're totally normal. Who's this?    JOEL: That's my mother.    ELAINE: Oh yeah. I see the resemblance.    JOEL: No, there's no resemblance.    ELAINE: Yeah, there is, right here you see--    JOEL: Elaine, I was adopted.    ELAINE: (pause) Oh. That's nice.    JOEL: Oh, the game's about to start. I wonder where your friend Kramer is.    (scene ends)     [setting: ticket counter]    KRAMER: (to the ticket man) Uh, yeah, a ticket for Kramer.    TICKET MAN: Here it is. I need some I.D.    KRAMER: Oh, yeah. (snaps fingers) You know, I forgot my wallet.    TICKET MAN: Well, I can't give it to you then.    KRAMER: Are you kidding me?    TICKET MAN: I'm afraid not.    KRAMER: Come on, just look at me. Tell me I'm not Kramer.    TICKET MAN: I'm sorry. I need proof.    KRAMER: Look, I'll drive out here tomorrow and I'll show the I.D. I got nothing to do all day.    TICKET MAN: Neither do I. But without I.D., I need confirmation from the person who left the ticket.    KRAMER: Where's a phone?    (scene ends)     [setting: back to Elaine and Joel watching the game]    ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Would Joel Rifkin report to the stadium office. Joel Rifkin...telephone. (the crowd stops cheering and we see a football player, Lawrence Taylor of the N.Y. Giants, distracted from the game while hearing the announcer saying Joel Rifkin)    JOEL: Who would be calling me here? (he stands up and look around)    ELAINE: (to the person in front of her) He's not the murderer.    (scene ends)     [setting: Jerry's apartment]    (Kramer enters, moaning)    KRAMER: Oh, God.    JERRY: What's the matter with you?    KRAMER: Jerry, I need another massage!    JERRY: You just had one yesterday. What do you need another one for?    KRAMER: Because of the Giant game! I told you, It went overtime! You know what those seats are like. They're very unforgiving.    JERRY: Oh please.    KRAMER: And then the game-winning field goal went over the net and into the crowd and I dove over three rows! My back, it's killing me! (whining) It's killing me Jerry!    JERRY: Well, did you get the ball?    KRAMER: Oh I got the ball.    JERRY: Well, I never even caught a foul ball at a baseball game.    KRAMER: Well, It's quite a thrill.    JERRY: Why don't you get somebody else?    KRAMER: Because nobody does it like she does. She's the best.    JERRY: Well, that's it! Tonight's the night. I'm getting one. No "if and's or but's".    KRAMER: What about my massage?    JERRY: (whining like Kramer) Ask Newman.    (scene ends)     [setting: Monk's]    (George and Karen at a booth)    GEORGE: So I lugged that table. That big heavy massage table all the way down to the cab! You ever seen one of those things?    KAREN: Of course.    GEORGE: No, I don't know. Maybe you haven't. You know, not everybody's seen a massage table.    KAREN: What, do you think I've never had a massage before?    GEORGE: Anyway, I don't even get a thank you. I don't get it!    KAREN: George, frankly, I'm getting a little tired of hearing about her.    GEORGE: I wanna know what I did to this woman.    KAREN: What, you got a little thing for her?    GEORGE: No, No! She's going out with a friend of mine. It's only courteous that we should try and like each other.    KAREN: What difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn't like you? Does everybody in the world have to like you?    GEORGE: Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked!    (scene ends)     [setting: Elaine's apartment]    (Elaine and Joel sitting on the couch)    ELAINE: Of course I support your decision to change your name.    JOEL: After the Giant game I realized that this--this problem isn't going away.    ELAINE: Well, listen, I just want you to know that I was more than willing to stick it out with Joel Rifkin.    JOEL: Sure?    ELAINE: (she fakes a strangling) RRR...    JOEL: O.K. you got your list?    ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah. 10 names.    JOEL: Right.    ELAINE: O.K. And if somebody objects, you can just veto it.    JOEL: O.K.    ELAINE: O.K. You start. What's your first choice?    JOEL: Stuart.    ELAINE: (right away) No. Second choice.    JOEL: Stu--Stuart's no good?    ELAINE: I have never met a normal guy named Stuart.    JOEL: O-O.K. My second choice is... Todd.    ELAINE: (repeating to hear how it sounds) Todd. (pause) No. Veto.    JOEL: All right. Oh, hey, I think you're gonna like my first my third choice.    ELAINE: Great...    JOEL: Alex.    ELAINE: I gotta tell ya, I have a bad association with the name Alex.    JOEL: Bad bad association?    ELAINE: Yeah, in college I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee and after every sip he would go: "Ahh". I mean every two seconds: "Ahh". And he would take like 40 sips and after everyone: "Ahh". I had to drop the class.    (scnen ends)     [setting: Jerry's place]    (Jerry is opening the door for Jodi. She has her massage table. New age music is playing, and the lights are shaded)    JODI: Hey.    JERRY: Hi.    JODI: Hi. (kiss) I was running late and I didn't have a chance to drop off my stuff before I came over.    JERRY: Ah, no problem. That's fine.    JODI: What's with this music?    JERRY: That's new age music. Sounds of the forest. I find it soothing. Hey, look at this! What do you know? A massage table! This is great! (he starts to install the table)    JODI: What are you doing?    JERRY: Just checking it out. Look at how this thing is made. Can I tell you something? That's a hell of a piece of equipment.    JODI: Actually, I should get a new one.    JERRY: No, nonsense. This one's fine. (as he sits on the table)    JODI: So, where do you wanna go? (as she puts her hand on his shoulder)    JERRY: Go? Why go anywhere? (as he places his hand over hers. She starts to massage his shoulders a little) Ahh, that feels good. Yeah. That's, uh... That's good. (he tries to go further. He grabs her hands over his shoulders and he lies down on the table on his chest) Yeah, that's nice. That's very nice.    JODI: (she stops massaging) No. No, this isn't good. I can't do this.    JERRY: Why, what's wrong? (he grabs her hands and force her to keep them on his shoulders)    JODI: I can't (she tries harder to pull her hands away)    JERRY: No. Yes you can. (he hangs on)    JODI: No, I can't!    JERRY: Come on! I know it's something you wanna do! (she pulls harder and he falls right off the table)    (scene ends)     [setting: Karen's place]    (George and Karen are making out on the couch)    GEORGE: You know what? I should really go talk to her. Nothing confrontational. Just two adults sitting down trying to clear the air. You know, I just know if I could spend some time alone with her. I've got to. (he grabs his jacket) I've got to.    KAREN: You're going now?    GEORGE: I think I can still catch her.    KAREN: All right George. I have had just about enough of this.    GEORGE: What? What are you talking about.    KAREN: I am talking about you and Jodi. You're completely obsessed with her!    GEORGE: I know. I know.    KAREN: Who is more important to you, her or me? I like you, she doesn't. Who are you gonna pick?    GEORGE: (he thinks a little about it... and as he puts his hand on his knee and gets up) I'm sorry Karen. I know I care for you, but I just can't stand when someone doesn't like me. (he opens the door)    KAREN: Well, now I hate you!    GEORGE: That I'm used to. (he leaves)    (scene ends)     [setting: back to Elaine's place]    JOEL: Ned?    ELAINE: What is wrong with Ned?    JOEL: Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear. Next!    ELAINE: Ellis.    JOEL: Ellis?! You might as well go with Alex. It's the same thing!    ELAINE: Ellis and Alex aren't even close.    JOEL: NEXT!    ELAINE: Ohh, what is the point?    JOEL: NO, NO. COME ON!    ELAINE: O.K. O.K. Remy.    JOEL: Remy Rifkin? Should I get a beret?    ELAINE: Oh, Stuart's a lot better! (talking like a baby) Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.    JOEL: Grrrr!    (scene ends)     [setting: back to Jerry's]    JERRY: What do you mean, no?    JODI: No means no.    JERRY: Look, who are you kidding? You come up to my apartment with your table and your little oils, and I'm not supposed to expect anything? You're a massage teaser.    JODI: Listen. I massage who I want, when I want. I don't submit to forcible massage. (he tries desperately to get her hands on his shoulders again but she pulls them away immediately) I'm getting out of here.    JERRY: Fine. Go.    (George enters. He's staring at Jodi)    GEORGE: Jerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please?    JERRY: What for?    GEORGE: We need to talk.    JERRY: You need to talk?    JODI: We have nothing to talk about.    GEORGE: Look it's no secret what's going on between us. (to Jerry) She doesn't like me. Now Jerry if you don't mind.    JERRY: George, anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of me.    GEORGE: (he makes a sign to Jodi to wait and turns to Jerry) Jerry... This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.    JERRY: What?    GEORGE: She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistable.    JERRY: I can see that.    JODI: I'm getting out of here. (to Jerry) Don't call me.    JERRY: Don't worry. (she leaves)    GEORGE: A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.    JERRY: You're a lucky guy.    GEORGE: I got to go after her.    JERRY: George. I wouldn't push for the massage. (George nods)    GEORGE: JODI! (he starts running after her)    (scene ends)    [Closing Monologue]   JERRY: The swedish are very big massagers. You know? They like the swedish meatballs, swedish massage. They like having meat in their hands these people, for some reason. But it's weird because they have the highest suicide rate, they're rubbing each other's necks all the time for a neutral country they seem kinda tense. I don't really like the idea of getting a professional massage. I don't want people touching me that don't know me and don't want to have sex with me. You know what are you bothering me for? You get me all loosened up, juices flowing, and then that's it ok, you're done. It's like having chocolate rubbed all over your face, you know you wanna go "Excuse me, I think you missed a spot."     The End<|endoftext|>Episode 48 - The Cheever Letters  pc: 408, season 4, episode 8  Broadcast date: October 28, 1992   Written by Larry David & Larry Charles  Story by Larry David and Elaine Pope & Tom Leopold  Directed by Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Warren Frost ...................... Mr. Henry Ross  Grace Zabriskie .................. Mrs. Ross  Lisa Malkiewicz .................. Sandra  Miguel Perez ....................... Luis  Vanessa Marquez ............... Receptionist  Timothy Omundson ........... Ricky Ross  Patricia Lee Willson ............ Sara Ross  David Blackwood ............... Doorman  rc: Heidi Swedberg ............ Susan Biddle Ross   ==================================================================      [Setting: Jerry's apartment]   (Jerry and George enter with some plastic bags)   JERRY: She hasn't told her father yet?   GEORGE: No. We're supposed to tell him tonight.   JERRY: "We're"? What do you mean, "We're"?   GEORGE: Susan wants me to be there.   JERRY: You're meetin' the father for the first time?   GEORGE: (Reluctantly) Yeah.   JERRY: (Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make quite an impression on him when you tell him how you burned his cabin down.   GEORGE: I didn't burn it down - Kramer did!   JERRY: (Laughs) I mean, the whole thing is ironic. Think of it: Here the guy is nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban cigars..   GEORGE: Yeah, I know what happened.   JERRY: No, but wait, wait: And then you dump them off onto Kramer..   GEORGE: (Getting frustrated) I know.   JERRY: (Continuing) ..Who, who proceeds to burn the man's cabin down with one of those very same cigars! (Topping off his observation) It's very comical..   GEORGE: Listen, maybe we shouldn't start writing today. I got a lot on my mind.   JERRY: (Persisting) No, no, we put this off long enough. Today's the day.   GEORGE: (Letting his conscious get the best of him) I wonder how Susan's father's going to react to this. Alright, what- what's the worst he could do? So you burn a cabin down..   JERRY: (Agreeing) C'mon. It's not even a house - it's, like, a cabin.   GEORGE: We could build a cabin like (Snaps) that.   JERRY: (Blunt) Well, maybe not us, but two men could.   GEORGE: (Looking over the writing materials they just bought) Bics? What, d'ja get, bics?   JERRY: What, you got a problem with the pen now?   GEORGE: Well, I like a rolling writer. They're very smooth.   JERRY: Alright, let's just get to work. (They both move into the living room - ready to start writing their script. Jerry sits down) NBC Pilot, Seinfeld project. Act I, Scene A.   GEORGE: (Still standing) So, you're gonna sit there?   JERRY: (Wanting to get started) Just - just park yourself. (George reluctantly sits on the sofa) Alright. Act I, Scene A.   GEORGE: (Offering) Drink?   JERRY: No, no thank you.   GEORGE: (Uncapping his pen) Alright, here we go.   JERRY: Act I, Scene A..   (A long pause as they both attempt to start writing passes)   GEORGE: Weren't you supposed to call Elaine?   JERRY: (Eagerly reaching for the phone) Yes. (George turns the TV on, and begins watching as Jerry dials the number) Hi, is Elaine there? Oh, uh, Hi, Sandra. Uh, yeah. I can hold. (To George) Every time I call I gotta chit-chat with her assistant for, like, twenty minutes. (Back into the phone) Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay phone, and there's lots of people here waiting to use it. (Yelling out for believability) I'll be off in a minute! (To Sandra) Yeah, could you just put me through to Elaine? Okay, thanks! (He turns to George) Are you thinking of ideas? (George, picking his teeth with his finger, is absorbed into the television. He seems to not even notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get through to you directly? Every time I call Sandra bends my ear for, like, twenty minutes. (Pause) So we're on for later?   (Scene cuts to Elaine's office. She's waving a pencil around in her free hand)   ELAINE: Yeah, I'll come by after work. Hey, I got a rubber pencil thing happenin' here.. (Sandra passes her doorway) Uh, I gotta go. I gotta go. (Hangs up) Sandra! Sandra? Hi, can you come here for a second?   (Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment)   JERRY: Okay, let's go. (George shuts the television off, ready to work)   GEORGE: Alright, here we go. You got it?   JERRY: Yeah.   GEORGE: Here we go.   JERRY: Okay, how about this: I'm in my apartment, you come in.   GEORGE: (Holding out his arms - giving praise) It's beautiful. Now, what do I say?   (A long pause, then the scene jumps back to Elaine and Sandra)   ELAINE: Could you do me a favor? Um, when my friends call, could you not talk to them for too long?   SANDRA: Why? Did Jerry say something?   ELAINE: No, no.   SANDRA: He must have said something.   ELAINE: Oh, no, he didn't say anything.   SANDRA: (Near tears) I can't work for you! I can't. I'm leaving. (Exits quickly)   ELAINE: (Calling out to Sandra) No, Sandra. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I really am! Listen, listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right now. It's very hard being a stand-up comedian! Sometimes they don't laugh!   (Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George are sleeping. Kramer slams his apartment door shut, waking both of them up)   GEORGE: Alright, let's go.   JERRY: Here we go.   (Both get situated to write as Kramer enters)   KRAMER: Hey.   GEORGE: yeah, Kramer, we're, uh, kind of in the middle of something here. We're trying to do a little work..   JERRY: Yeah, come on. (Kramer gives out a frustrated sigh) What's with you?   KRAMER: (Complaining) No more golf.   JERRY: Why?   KRAMER: Well, you remember I told you about the pro, you know, at the Westchester Country Club, who's letting me play a round every time I give him a couple of those Cuban cigars?   JERRY: Yeah.   KRAMER: (Angered) Yeah, well, I lost them all in the fire! (Leaning over the couch, he addresses George) Hey, George, maybe you can ask Susan's father for more, huh?   GEORGE: What are you, Crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars after you burned down his cabin!   KRAMER: Why? What's one thing got to do with another?   GEORGE: Kramer, please.   KRAMER: Well, I can't go back to the public courses, now. I can't! I won't. I mean, you know what that's like? It's crowded, the grass has big brown patches in it, they don't rake the sand traps! Not to mention the caliber of people you have to play with!   GEORGE: Kramer, I can't help you. You're gonna have to get them some place else.   KRAMER: (Opening the door) Where? They're Cubans. (Leaves)   GEORGE: (Getting up) You know what? Maybe I should take off.   JERRY: What?!   GEORGE: Well, you know, I gotta go to, uh, Susan's parent's house for dinner.. and, you know, I want to shower first.. and I want to leave myself plenty of time.   JERRY: (Looking at his watch) You got four hours! What about the script?   GEORGE: I think we got a bite on it. (Exits)   (Scene ends)    [Setting: The Ross' house]   (Susan, her parents, and George are all dining)   MRS. ROSS: (To Mr. Ross) Doesn't George look like your sister, Sarah?   MR. ROSS: (Gruff) A slight resemblance.   (George laughs slightly)   MRS. ROSS: (To George) Her son's a podiatrist, you know.   GEORGE: Ohh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot - you're toiling in virtual anonymity. I mean..   (Seeing the Ross' expression, he trails off)   MR. ROSS: How are you enjoying those cigars I gave you?   GEORGE: Oh, uh, the cigars.. (Chuckles nervously) I'm, uh, suckin' 'em down. I'm puffing my brains out, yeah.   MR. ROSS: You know those cigars are made special for Castro?   GEORGE: (Impersonating Carson) I didn't not know that. Weird. Wild. (Susan and George both laugh)   MR. ROSS: What?   SUSAN: (Explaining) He's doing Johnny Carson, daddy.   MR. ROSS: I didn't care much for his jokes.   SUSAN: (To George) Daddy never laughs.   GEORGE: Oh, well, so what? Laughter - what is that? I mean, what is the point of opening your mouth and going "Ha, ha!"? What is that? "Ha, ha!"?   MR. ROSS: You know, you can't get those cigars anywhere.   MRS. ROSS: You and your cigars..   MR. ROSS: (Shooting back at his wife) Wear some more lipstick.   SUSAN: Daddy, there's, um, there's something that we have to talk to you about..   MR. ROSS: Oh, I forgot to ask you - how'd you like the cabin?   GEORGE: (Even more nervous than before) Oh, the, uh, the cabin.. well, (Clears throat)   (Scene ends)    [Setting: Jerry's apartment]   (Jerry and Elaine are talking. Jerry's using a harsh tone)   JERRY: Right after we get off the phone, then you go and tell her that?! Well, of course she knows it was me who complained! Now I'm responsible for this woman's quitting. Oh, this is unbelievable!   ELAINE: (Full of guilt) I know! I screwed up. It's all my fault. Would you call her?   JERRY: (Caving in) Ohh.. dial the number. (Elaine picks up the phone, and starts to dial) How could you do this?   ELAINE: (Handing the phone over to him) I was just trying to help you.   JERRY: (Muttering) Oh, just trying to (Rudely grabs the phone from her) help me.. (Into the phone) Hello? Sandra? Hi, uh, this is Jerry Seinfeld. (Elaine now has her hand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I just want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing her to drop the popcorn, then shoves her hand away. Elaine sits back like a scolded child) There's been a terrible misunderstanding: See, I told Elaine that, uh, it was a real treat talking to you on the phone, and she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a comedian and all. She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) "Yeah, it was a real treat talking to her on the phone." (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being sincere.. No, of course I like you.. Tonight? ..Um, uh, hold on a second. (To Elaine, whispering) Now she wants to have a drink with me. (Elaine mouths out "Just go" while making gestures. Jerry, again, gives in. Back on the phone) Yeah, I think I can.. Um.. yeah, I know where that is.. Ok.. uh, I'll see you there. Okay, bye. (Hangs up, peeved) Now I gotta have a drink with her.   (Scene ends)    [Setting: The Ross' house]   (Same diner party is going on. News of the cabin has yet to be discussed)   GEORGE: The cabin.. (Laughs nervously) Well.. (Pauses as he thinks of a way to break the news, then decides to pass it off) Susan?   SUSAN: Uhh.. about the cabin..   MR. ROSS: (Cutting her off) I love that place. My father built that cabin in 1947. My mother was recuperating from Impetigo at the time, and dad thought it would be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there the following winter. And he passed away 10 years later to the day. His last words to me were, (Mrs. Ross, bored out of her mind, has obviously heard this story a million times - she mouths the words as Mr. Ross says them) "Cherish the cabin." Not, uh, "Take care of your sister." (Adding) She's a paraplegic. But, "Cherish the cabin." (Smiling, reflecting) And I have.. for 45 years. It's often been a.. sanctuary for me.   GEORGE: (Annoyingly butting in) Kinda like Superman's fortress of solitude.   MR. ROSS: What?   GEORGE: S, uh, Superman - he, uh, built the fortress of solitude up at the North Pole, to, uh, you know, sort of get away from it all..   MR. ROSS: When I go, I'm passing it on to her. (Pointing at Susan)   MRS. ROSS: (Drunk, she laughs out loud) I'll take a hotel any day.   SUSAN: Daddy..   MR. ROSS: Yes?   SUSAN: Daddy, about the cabin..   MRS. ROSS: (Laughing, she points to her shirt) Look, Henry, I spilled wine on me! (Laughs again)   MR. ROSS: (To Susan) What about it?   SUSAN: Well, the thing is..   MR. ROSS: What? What is it?   SUSAN: Well, the - the cabin, is, kind of, uh.. George?   GEORGE: (Extremely blunt) Burned.   MR. ROSS: Burned?   SUSAN: There was a fire, and it uh..   GEORGE: Burned.   MR. ROSS: (Still trying to comprehend what has happened) The cabin burned?   GEORGE: (Laughs) yeah, burned. Whoo..   MRS. ROSS: (Laughing out loud) Burned! (George laughs with her)   MR. ROSS: Was anything found? Was it all burned to the ground?! Did they find anything?   SUSAN: (Solemn) No. Nothing.   MRS. ROSS: (Laughing, she's obviously getting a kick out of her husband's misfortune) Nothing! Ha, ha, ha.   (Mr. Ross, devastated, slowly gets up and starts walking toward the room's exit as everyone continues to talk)   GEORGE: Eh, but, you know, Mr. Ross, if - if you look at the whole situating, what with it being your cigars, and everything, it's really rather ironic - one might even say, in a sense, comical.. (Mr. Ross has, by now, left the room. Mrs. Ross is pointing at George, nodding, laughing. As if to say he hit the bullseye. George calls out to Mr. Ross) Really. Think about it.   (Scene ends)    [Setting: Jerry's apartment]   (Sandra runs out of Jerry's room, hastily putting on her jacket. Jerry follow, buttoning his shirt)   SANDRA: (Offended) I can't believe you said that!   JERRY: What?!   SANDRA: (Buttoning her jacket) How could you say something like that to me?!   JERRY: What? What?! You were the one who was talking dirty. I was just trying to keep up!   SANDRA: That was a weird thing to say.   JERRY: Why? It didn't mean anything. I was just trying to join in so you wouldn't feel embarrassed.   SANDRA: Ohh, I think you're really sick.   JERRY: (Getting slightly offended) I'm not sick. (Pointing at her) You - you said much sicker things than me.   SANDRA: I'm leaving. (Moves toward the door. Jerry blocks her path)   JERRY: I really think you're making too much of this.   SANDRA: (Attempting to get past him) Excuse me. (They both move to the door)   JERRY: Let me walk you to a cab.   SANDRA: (Opens the door) That's ok.   JERRY: I mean, the main thing is that this is just between us, and that'll be the end of it.   SANDRA: Oh, really? (Quickly walks out)   JERRY: (Calling after her) I mean, people - they're not interested in things like this. They don't want to hear about it. They really don't.   (Scene ends)    [Setting: The Coffee shop]   (Jerry's telling George about last night)   JERRY: So, we're.. uhh, drinkin' and talkin', and uhh, so, she starts rubbing my leg.   GEORGE: Wo-hoah! What did you do?   JERRY: (Sarcastic) Have you ever told a woman to stop touching your leg?   GEORGE: Yeah, right.   JERRY: I mean, I know it's the wrong thing to do. She works in Elaine's office. I know it's wrong - but I can't get that hand off my leg. I mean, I'm looking at the hand, and I'm thinking, "That hand should not be on my leg." But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, "Would you mind?!"   GEORGE: Yeah, woman have no problem getting the hand off. How do they do that?   JERRY: I don't know, they're working on a whole other level..   GEORGE: Alright, so, go ahead.   JERRY: So we go back to my apartment..   GEORGE: (Expressing shock) Woah. Whoa! Woah!   JERRY: So, we're, uh, foolin' around there.. you know, it's getting a little passionate.. (Scoots closer to George, to prevent others from hearing) and, uh, she starts with the dirty talking.   GEORGE: (Putting his hands up) Alright, alright, hold on! (Jerry has George's full attention) Time out! Woah, woah! (Scooting in, giddy) What did she say?   JERRY: (Modest) Oh, you know, the usual..   GEORGE: No, I don't know. How do I know the usual?   JERRY: Typical things.   GEORGE: (Picking up the ketchup) What typical? Gimme typical. Gimme some typical.   JERRY: She says, uh.. (Mumbles something inaudible. George, so shocked by what he's just heard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup bottle - ketchup squirts out and files off-screen. George reacts deeply)   GEORGE: (Breathing deeply) That's very dirty. (Jerry nods) That's absolutely filthy.   JERRY: ..And then she starts talking about her panties.   GEORGE: (Yelling out to a waitress) Gonna need some water here!   JERRY: So I said something.   GEORGE: Ok, what did you say?   JERRY: (Defensively) Now, bear in mind, I am just trying to keep up.   GEORGE: Of course.   JERRY: Okay? So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh.. So, I said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?"   GEORGE: (Takes a few seconds to mull this one over. Shooting Jerry a confused look, he repeats it) "The panties your mother laid out for you"? (Jerry nods) What does that mean?   JERRY: (Throwing up his hands) I don't know! It just popped out.   GEORGE: Well, how did she react?   JERRY: She flipped out! Just left.   GEORGE: Well, that's not offensive. (Reflects) It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.   JERRY: Look, the main thing is I don't want Elaine to know about any of this. I mean, especially the panty remark. I mean, it's embarrassing. And she's never let me hear the end of it.   GEORGE; Well, what if this girl says something?   JERRY: She will tell her. She's going back to work. I talked her into it - how stupid was that? (Changing subject as they both collect money to pay for the check) Hey, so, Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh?   GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. He went into the bedroom and started sobbing.   JERRY: I guess he failed to see the humor in it.   GEORGE: Huh. (Makes a "over his head" gesture with his arm) C'mon, let's go, go. We got a lot of work to do today.   JERRY: (Getting up) Alright, big work day.   GEORGE: That's right.   (Scene ends)    [Setting: Jerry's apartment]   (Jerry and George, with their writing materials, go to sit down in the living room while giving each other pep talks)   GEORGE: Okay.   JERRY: Let's go.   GEORGE: Here we are.   JERRY: Right now.   GEORGE: Let's do it.   JERRY: You and me.   GEORGE: Okay.   JERRY: Alright.   GEORGE: What'dya got?   JERRY: (Reading from his notebook) I got: You enter, you go "Hi", and I go, "Hello." Now.. we need something here..   (Kramer enters)   KRAMER: Oh, hey.   (Both George and Jerry get up, giving Kramer an excited greeting - talking fast, together) Oh, you guys are working? I'll come back. (Turns to leave. Jerry and George strongly protest with a series of "No, no, no!"'s) No, you guys should get back to work. (More protests)   GEORGE: Don't be silly.   JERRY: Come in, we're taking a break.   KRAMER: (Moving back into the room) Oh, yeah?   JERRY: Yeah!   KRAMER: Uh, George, did you talk to that guy about getting me some more cigars?   GEORGE: (Scoffs) No, I told you, I'm not gonna do that.   KRAMER: (Concluding) Okay.. well, I guess I'm just going to have to take matters into my own hands, huh? (Pause) Alright, I'll see you guys. (Leaves, despite "No, don't go!" and other various comments by Jerry and George)   (Scene ends)    [Setting: United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building]   (Kramer walks up to a secretary)   KRAMER: Buenos dias.   SECRETARY: Buenos dias.   KRAMER: Uh, habla ingles?   SECRETARY: Si.   KRAMER: Giddy-up. Ok, uh, (Looks at a woman wearing dark sunglasses and sitting on a sofa behind him. He reacts oddly) Um. I need to talk to someone.   SECRETARY: What is this about?   KRAMER: Uh, well, It's a very private matter, but it's extremely urgent.   SECRETARY: Are you an American?   KRAMER: Oh, yeah.   SECRETARY: I see.. excuse me. (Picks up the phone)   KRAMER: Okay.   (Scene ends)    [Setting: Jerry's apartment]   (Jerry, curled up on his living room chair, and George, laid out on the sofa, are asleep. Jerry's buzzer goes off, waking them up. George rolls off the couch and falls to the floor)   JERRY: (Stirring, he gets up to answer the buzzer) Alright, let's get going. C'mon, c'mon now. (Approaches the intercom) C'mon, let's get it together.. (Through intercom) Yeah?   ELAINE: It's Elaine.   JERRY: C'mon up. (Slightly opens the door for Elaine)   GEORGE: (Standing up, still waking up) Alright, you know what we should do? We should go to the movies. Get away from this script for a while..   JERRY: (Agreeing) Yeah, we should.   GEORGE: Alright, I just have to go over to the Ross' apartment and drop off Susan's sunglasses. You'll come with me?   JERRY: Yeah. Wha - what, does she live with them?   GEORGE: No, no, no, no.   JERRY: Oh.   (Elaine enters)   ELAINE: Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld!   JERRY: What?   ELAINE: I just got a message from Sandra, she's coming back to work.   JERRY: Well, then, you've just got to fire her! Don't even think about it - there's no two ways about it.   ELAINE: Why? What happened? Did you talk?   JERRY: Talk? Did I talk? It - you're darn right I talk to her! We talked up a storm - and I concluded from the basis of these talks that this isn't anybody you should be talking to.   ELAINE: Really?   JERRY: Yes.   ELAINE: Really? You really think I should fire her?   JERRY: Oh yeah. Yeah, in fact, if George and I weren't so busy here working on the script, I'd do it myself.   (George, sitting out the couch, dozes off to sleep)   (Scene ends)    [Setting: United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building]   (A group of men in suits walk out into the lobby to deal with Kramer)   MAN: (To secretary) Expira te afuera.   KRAMER: (Standing up, greeting the men) Buenos dias.   MAN: What is your name, Senor?   KRAMER: Uh, Kramer.   MAN: So, Senor Kramer, what is this about?   KRAMER: (Leaning in, confidentially) Cigars.   MAN: (Confused) Cigars?   KRAMER: (Definite) Cigars.   MAN: What about cigars?   KRAMER: Uh, see here, I.. (Pulls out a paper ring from his pocket) I saved one of the cigar rings..   MAN: Ohh.. (Laughs, pulling a cigar from his inner coat pocket) You mean - one of these..   KRAMER: (Pointing at the cigar, incredibly nervous) Yeah, yeah. That- that's, uh, okay, So, uh, I'd like to buy a couple of boxes of those from you, yeah?   MAN: (Deeply sniffs the cigar's aroma) You do realize, of course, these are illegal in your country.   KRAMER: Um, wha - oh, illegal, huh?   (The man is staring at Kramer's clothes, mesmerized. He reaches out to touch Kramer's legendary jacket)   MAN: I like that jacket..   (Scene ends)    [Setting: The Ross' apartment]   (There's a knock at the door. Susan answers it - it's Jerry and George)   SUSAN: Hi!   GEORGE: Hi, how are ya? (They kiss)   SUSAN: Hey, Jerry.   JERRY: Hi.   SUSAN: I thought you two guys were working today.   JERRY: Ah, just - takin' a little break.   GEORGE: (Chuckling) yeah. Uh, oh, here's your sunglasses. (Hands them to her)   SUSAN: Ok, thanks. Come on in for a second. (They move into the living room. Susan gestures to a man sitting on the couch reading the paper) This is my brother, Ricky. He's home from college for the weekend.   GEORGE: Ohh, hey there, young fella. (They shake hands) What's your major?   RICKY: (Blunt) I don't have one.   GEORGE: Well, you should always consider podiatry. (Patting Ricky on the shoulder) There's nothing wrong with the feet. (Ricky looks critically back at George)   SUSAN: (Now gestures to an old woman in a wheelchair) And this is my Aunt, Sara.   SARA: (Staring at George) He doesn't look like me.   MRS. ROSS: Sara, what do you have on your wheels?   SARA: Nothing, they're clean.   MRS. ROSS: Ricky, did you wipe her wheels off?   RICKY: (Annoyed) Yes.   MRS. ROSS: (Concluding) Well, they're filthy. It's just a matter of common courtesy.. (Wheels Sara over to a spot off the rug) When you come in the house you wipe your wheels.   (Doorbell rings)   SUSAN: Excuse me. (Answer the door. It's her doorman, Raymond, carrying a burnt box) Hello, Raymond.   RAYMOND: Ah, yes, the man from the insurance company dropped this off this morning. He said it was the only thing left from the remains of the fire.   SUSAN: (Accepts the box) Oh, thank you. (As the doorman leaves, she turns to Jerry and George) Wow, I've never seen this before.. (Opens the charred box) Oh, they're letters. (Hands the box to George) Here.   GEORGE: Oh, sure. (Holds the box out as Susan takes out a few letters)   SUSAN: From.. (Trying to read one) from John Cheever.   JERRY AND GEORGE: Oh, wow.   SUSAN: (Chuckles as she opens up one of the letters. She reads it) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my.. orgasm (She now has everyone's attention) has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work.. (Jerry and George make odd faces as Susan is still concentrating on the notes) I love you madly, John. (Pause) P.S. Loved the cabin." (George nods, and Jerry gives a "Oh, of course" reaction)   (A long pause)   GEORGE: Well, we.. we, we, ah..   JERRY: (Looking at his watch ) Yeah..   GEORGE: We really should be, uh, heading out..   JERRY: Yeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the time.   GEORGE: You know, the time..   (Susan's father is now standing in the hallway)   MR. ROSS: The box! (Rushes toward George, grabbing the box away from him, then the letters from Susan's hands) My letters! Gimme that! (Now holding them against his chest, defensively) Who told you to open this?!   MRS. ROSS: (Hysterical) Who's John?! Who's John?!   SARA: (Yelling out) I knew it!   MRS. ROSS: I want to know who John is!   RICKEY: John Cheever?! Dad, you and John Cheever?!   MR. ROSS: (Proclaiming) Yes! Yes, he was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never understand.. (Slowly walks back to his room, leaving everyone speechless. Susan seems to be affected the most. A long pause passes. Jerry gives George a signal that they should go)   GEORGE: Well, we really should be-   JERRY: Yeah.   GEORGE: Uh, heading out. Jerry really hates to miss the coming attractions.   JERRY: Yeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because of the.. (Slowly exiting) time.   GEORGE: yeah, time is what he's indicating there..   JERRY: (Waving good bye) We'll see ya.   GEORGE: Uh, anyway, (Waving bye to everyone) onward and upward.   (Jerry grabs George, leaving)   (Scene ends)    [Setting: Jerry's apartment]   (Jerry and George, once again, are sitting down in the living room, attempting to write)   GEORGE: Alright, here we go.   JERRY: Alright, let's go.   GEORGE: Come on now.   JERRY: Right now.   GEORGE: Here we go.   JERRY: You and me.   GEORGE: You got it.   JERRY: No foolin'   GEORGE: Ok, so, what'dya got?   JERRY: (Looking at his notebook) Alright, I got, uh, you come in, you say "Hi", and I say "Hello".   GEORGE: Alright, so, we need something..   JERRY: Yeah.. how about this: I say "How's it goin'?"   GEORGE: "How's it going?" - beautiful.   (They both start to write it down as a pounding on the door sounds) Oh, come on, we were just on a roll now..   JERRY: (Getting up to answer the door) Alright, did you get that line?   GEORGE: (Nodding, writing) "How's it going?"   JERRY: Did you write it down?   GEORGE: I'm writin' it. "How's it going?"   JERRY: Okay.. (Opens the door to a frantic Elaine)   ELAINE: Real good!   JERRY: What?!   ELAINE: Do you know how much money you cost me today?! 429 dollars!   JERRY: What?! How?   ELAINE: I got Sandra transferred to another office upstairs, okay?! So, she blabs to Lippman about my long distance calls to Europe!   JERRY: What calls?!   ELAINE: Uh! I made a friend when I was in Europe, okay?! And we've been in touch, and Sandra told Lippman!   JERRY: Oh, did - did she say anything else to you?   ELAINE: (Confused) "Anything else"? What do you mean "anything else"?   JERRY: So she just left the office - didn't say a word to you about anything?   ELAINE: Yeah!   JERRY: (Smiling to himself) Beautiful.   ELAINE: Why is that beautiful?   JERRY: Oh, no, not beautiful.   ELAINE: It's four hundred and twenty nine dollars!   JERRY: Hey, look, I'm going to pay for that.   ELAINE: No, no.   JERRY: (Taking out his checkbook) No, I insist. I was the one who encouraged you to fire her - the whole thing was all my-   ELAINE: (Giving up too easy) Okay.   JERRY: (Pauses, noting Elaine's quick accept) fault. (Starts to write a check out, then stops, looking at the door) Do you smell smoke?   (Elaine opens the door to find Kramer and the 3 Cubans dressed up in golf wear, smoking cigars)   KRAMER: Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet my new friends, here. (Introducing each one) This is, uh, Louis, Jorge, and Umberto.   JERRY: Oh, how you doing? Nice to meet you.   KRAMER: Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester - gonna hit the links.   JERRY: Oh. (Notices Louis' jacket) Isn't that, uh, your..   KRAMER: (Trying to avoid the issue) Oh, yeah, yeah, Okay, we're going. (To his three friends) Vamanos, muchachos!   (They exit)   ELAINE: (Turns to George, he is now reading a book) Hey, what are you reading?   GEORGE: Oh, uh, "The Falconer" by John Cheever. It's really excellent.   ELAINE: (To Jerry) John Cheever, you ever read any of his stuff?   JERRY: Uh, yeah, I'm familiar with some of his writing. (George shoots Jerry a smirk, then returns to his book) Alright, (Hand the check to Elaine) look, we gotta get back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here.   ELAINE: (Folding up the check) Ok, I'll leave you two alone.   JERRY: (Moving back into the living room) Okay.   ELAINE: (In the door way) Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties (Jerry pauses right before sitting in his chair) and they're - all laid out for me. (Leaves, smiling to herself. Jerry and George both look at each other, frozen in their places)    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 84 - The Fire  pc: 518, season 5, episode 20  Broadcast date: May 5, 1994   Written by Larry Charles  Directed by Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:  Melanie Chartoff  ............... Robin  Veanne Cox  ...................... Toby  Dom Irrera   ...................... Ronnie  Jon Favreau  ...................... Clown  Lisa Pescia  ......................... Joanne  Hiram Kasten  ................... Michael  Patience Cleveland ............ Old Lady  Lawrence LeJohn ............. Fireman  rc: Jerry Stiller .................. Frank Costanza (voice only, uncredited)  rc: Estelle Harris ............... Estelle Costanza (voice only, uncredited)   ==================================================================   [Opening Monologue]   To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it...you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.'     [Elaine's Office at Pendant]   (Elaine, Kramer, and Kramer's excitable girlfriend Toby looking at proofs for Kramer's "coffee table book about coffee tables.")   TOBY (exuberantly): These are great! Just great! Really great! Really, really great! Don't you think so, Elaine?   ELAINE (put off by Toby's exuberance): Yeah, really great.   TOBY: Oh, a coffee table book about coffee tables! (To Kramer) How did you come up with this idea?   KRAMER: It was there!   TOBY: Oh, look at this one! It's saying, 'I'm a coffee table, put some coffee on me! Oh, the hotter the better, that's what I'm here for!' (laughs)   ELAINE: You know actually, I've got some work I gotta do, so...   KRAMER: Hey, how about if the book came with these little fold-out legs...so the book itself becomes a coffee table?   TOBY: Ohhh, that is a great idea! Really, really great!     [Jerry's Apartment]   (Elaine and Jerry later that day.)   ELAINE (imitating Toby): 'Oooh, and that coffee table is saying, put some coffee on me!' I'd like to put some coffee on her. Hot, scalding coffee - right in her face! I swear! This is like working with a contestant from "The Price Is Right"! (demonstrates a winner on "The Price Is Right")   JERRY: Yeah, that's real interesting. Elaine, listen, tell me if you think this is funny - (reads comedy he's written) "Men definitely hit the remote more than women...men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV. Women want to see what the show is before they change the channel, because men hunt and women nest."   ELAINE (uninterested): Yeah, it's funny, I dunno.   JERRY: You don't know? Come on, that's gold!   ELAINE: Well, I don't know about "gold."   JERRY: Oh, that's gold, baby.   ELAINE: 'Baby'? What, are you doing George now?   JERRY: I was saying 'baby' way before George!   ELAINE: Well, I don't know, don't ask me any more questions about jokes, Jerry, it just puts too much pressure on me.   JERRY: Well, this guy Leonard Christian's gonna be there tomorrow night.   ELAINE: Yeah, who's he?   JERRY: He's a writer from Entertainment Weekly . I would like to have a good show.   (Kramer enters.)   KRAMER: Danke schoen, my little dumplings.   ELAINE: Hi.   KRAMER (to Elaine): Hey, how about that Toby, huh?   ELAINE: Yeah, how about her?   KRAMER: Ooh, she's a package full of energy!   ELAINE: Yeah, she's a package full of something.   KRAMER: Yeah, and that something is life. Jerry, you gotta meet this gal - she's brimmin' with positivity!   ELAINE (absolutely disgusted): Oh, pleeeeease. (moves to the living room and sits down)   KRAMER (to Jerry): Hey, are you performing tomorrow?   JERRY: Yeah.   KRAMER: Great, I'm gonna bring Toby.   JERRY: Well, you better laugh 'cause I'm being reviewed. Leonard Christian's gonna be there.   KRAMER: Oh, she's a great laugher - right, Elaine?   ELAINE: Oh yeah, she's a great laugher, Jerry. (imitates Toby) Really, really great!   JERRY (to Kramer): Well, you want to sit with George? I think he's coming with Robin.   KRAMER: Is that the waitress from the comedy club?   JERRY: Yeah.   KRAMER: Oh.   ELAINE: What about her kid, is she bringing him, too?   KRAMER: She's got a kid?   JERRY: Yeah, you should see George get along with this kid!     [Monk's]   (George and Robin in a booth. Robin's kid is under the table.)   GEORGE: Ow! What are you doing under there? Hey, stop that! Don't eat that! That's not food! (to Robin) He's suckin' down Equal packets!   ROBIN: Do you think 25 kids is too much?   GEORGE: 25 kids for his birthday party? (to kid under table) Don't put your tongue on the floor! He's putting his tongue on the floor! Here, here, have some more sugar packets. (tosses some Equal packets under the table)   ROBIN: So, what about entertainment? (to kid) Should I get Barney?   KID: No Barney!   ROBIN (to George): Maybe a clown.   GEORGE: How about Bozo?   KID: Who's Bozo?   GEORGE: Who's Bozo? Bozo the Clown, that's who Bozo is. When I was a kid, Bozo the Clown was the clown, bar none.   ROBIN: George...   GEORGE: With the orange hair, and the big clown shirt with the ruffles...   ROBIN: George...   GEORGE: He had a TV show! He had cartoons!   ROBIN: George! Forget Bozo, George. Bozo's out. He's finished. It's over for Bozo.   GEORGE: You know, when I was a kid, we didn't have these elaborate birthday parties w-with catered food and entertainment. I remember my 7th birthday party...   (Flashback of George at seven, sitting in front of a birthday cake with a shocked expression on his face, while Frank and Estelle scream at him)   FRANK: Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles, I said! Blow out the damn candles!   ESTELLE: Stop it, Frank! You're killing him!   FRANK: Blow out the candles!!   (Return from flashback)   ROBIN: Well, this time, you can blow out the candles.   GEORGE: Nah, I have asthma. (Robin's kid grabs George's leg from under the table, and George struggles.)     [Elaine's office at Pendant]   (Toby enters)   TOBY: Hi!   ELAINE (in a dreadful tone): Hi, Toby.   TOBY: How are you doing today?   ELAINE: Fine... (Toby sits and waits for Elaine to speak.) How are you?   TOBY: Oh, I'm great! Just great. Really great! Oh, hey - did you hear about Bob Rosen?   ELAINE: Nope.   TOBY: He is going to Knopp. He is going to be a vice president.   ELAINE: Knopp? Really? Boy. That means there's an opening here for senior editor...has Lippman, uh, hired anyone?   TOBY: No. I hear he wants to promote someone in-house.   ELAINE: Really!?   TOBY: Maybe it'll be you!   ELAINE: Oh...well...   TOBY: You really deserve it. I mean, you have experience, seniority...Lippman really respects your opinion...   ELAINE (beaming): Well! Well, it could be you.   TOBY: No...   ELAINE: No, really.   TOBY (standing): Really? You think so?   ELAINE (humoring her): Sure.   TOBY: Boy, wouldn't that be exciting!   ELAINE: I mean, stranger things have happened...   TOBY: Wow! Me! A senior editor! (deadly serious) I'd like that.   ELAINE: Well, you shouldn't get your hopes up, Toby.   TOBY: Well, it's a possibility, like you said! Stranger things have happened! Thank you, Elaine. Thank you. (Exits.)     [Comedy Club]   (Jerry and Ronnie the Prop Comic backstage)   JERRY: Hey, Ronnie.   RONNIE: Hey.   JERRY: (To bartender) Can I have a club soda? (To Ronnie) Goin' on tonight?   RONNIE: Yeah. You?   JERRY: Yeah.   RONNIE: You know Leonard Christian's here?   JERRY: Yeah, I know.   RONNIE: Can I ask you something? Are my nostrils getting bigger?   JERRY: (looking at his nostrils) I don't...think so.   RONNIE: Are you sure? Take a good look. They seem a little bigger?   JERRY: I don't...I dunno.   RONNIE: Is it possible for nostrils to expand?   JERRY: Oh, is this a bit?   RONNIE: Hey, I don't do "bits." I'm a prop comic. Dammit, I can't find my water gun. I can't go on without my water gun.   (Kramer and Toby enter.)   KRAMER: Hey, Jerry.   JERRY: (turns to greet Kramer) Hey.   KRAMER: Well here's Toby, (points to Jerry in order to introduce him to Toby) Jerry.   TOBY: This is so exciting! Look, I have goosebumps! (To Jerry) Touch! Touch them! (Jerry touches her arm. Toby screeches with excitement.) I've never been to a comedy club before!   JERRY: Really! You know, a lot of restaurants are serving brewed decaf now, too.   TOBY (laughing): You are so funny!   JERRY: Oh, you'll have a good time, I swear.   TOBY: Oh! He swears like he thinks I don't believe him. I believe you. I believe you! Oh, he's so funny! (laughs)   KRAMER: What about me?   TOBY (serious): What about you? (laughs) I'm only kidding. You're funny, too. I love to laugh.   JERRY: Good, good.   KRAMER (to Jerry): So, you up next?   JERRY: Yeah, why don't you guys get a table so you'll have good seats?   TOBY: Oh yeah, we don't want some jerk sitting in front of us, it'll be like, 'Hey, big head, can you move out of the way? I didn't pay a cover charge to stare at your bald spot.' (laughs)   KRAMER: Alright, so you have a good show, huh buddy?   JERRY: Yeah.   TOBY: Oh, have a great show. Hey, we'll make sure it's a great show!   JERRY: O.k., good, I'll see you later. (Kramer and Toby are about to exit. She turns around and clutches Kramer's jacket.)   TOBY: Oh, he's so great! This is so great! I'm so excited!   (Cut to Jerry on stage. Toby and Kramer are sitting in the audience near the front.)   JERRY: Men definitely hit the remote button more than women...   TOBY (loudly): Oh, really! Really! That is so true!   JERRY: Yes, yeah...see, men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV.   TOBY: Yes! Yes! Right on! Right on! (Other audience members give her puzzled looks.)   JERRY (attempting to carry on despite Toby's interruptions): See...women really want to see what the show is before they change the channel...   TOBY: Oh, that is so true, yes!   JERRY: ...that's why men hunt and women nest.   TOBY: BOO! BOO! Hiss! Boo! (Toby's obnoxious behavior causes Jerry to completely lose his place and mess up his act.)   JERRY: Yea, ya, so...anyway what was I talking about.     [Jerry pacing the floor backstage after his act. Kramer enters.]   KRAMER: Hey.   JERRY: Hey, what's the deal? What was goin' on there? I invite you down here, I have an important show, and she heckles me?!   KRAMER: Look, she didn't mean anything.   JERRY: Well, what is the matter with her? Is she crazy?!   KRAMER: She's just being enthusiastic, that's all!   (Toby enters.)   JERRY: Hey! What is wrong with you?!   TOBY: Me? Nothing's wrong with me.   JERRY: Y-You boo me?! You hiss?! You didn't stop blathering throughout the whole set!   TOBY: Oh, come on! I thought you're a pro! That's part of the show.   JERRY: No! Not part of the show! Booing and hissing are not part of the show! You boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent movies!   TOBY: Well, that's the way I express myself. How are you gonna make it in this business if you can't take it?   JERRY: Oh, I can take it.   TOBY (to Kramer): Let's go. (Ronnie walks by Jerry.)   RONNIE: Hey, man. Good set.     [George talking to Eric, the clown at Robin's son's birthday party.]   GEORGE: Bozo?   ERIC: No.   GEORGE: B-O-Z-O?   ERIC: Sorry, I...   GEORGE: You've never heard of Bozo the Clown?   ERIC: No!   GEORGE: How could you not know who Bozo the Clown is?   ERIC: I don't know, I just don't.   GEORGE: How can you call yourself a clown and not know who Bozo is?   ERIC: Hey, man - what are you hassling me for? This is just a gig, it's not my life. I don't know who Bozo is, what - is he a clown?   GEORGE: Is he a clown? What, are you kidding me!?   ERIC: Well, what is he?   GEORGE: Yes, he's a clown!   ERIC: Alright, so what's the big deal! There's millions of clowns!   GEORGE: Alright, just forget it.   ERIC: Me forget it? You should forget it! You're livin' in the past, man! You're hung up on some clown from the sixties, man!   GEORGE: Alright, very good, very good...go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric! (chuckles) What kind of name is that for a clown, huh?   ROBIN'S MOTHER: Excuse me...you must be George! I'm Robin's mother. Oh, you seem like such a lovely young man!   GEORGE: Well, I do what I can. (Robin comes over.)   ROBIN: Hi Mom, how's everything?   ROBIN'S MOTHER: Oh, this is just a wonderful party!   ROBIN: The burgers should be ready in a minute.   GEORGE: Ah, great, great. (sniffs) What's that smell? Smoke? (walks to the kitchen) Hey everybody, I think I smell some smoke back here...(smoke boils into the doorway.) FIRE! FIRE! Get out of the way!   (The kids all scream and the party goes crazy. George barrels out of the kitchen, pushing down kids, clowns and old ladies in a mad panic to escape. He runs out the door and leaves everyone behind.)   (Cut to George sitting in the back of an ambulance with an oxygen mask on his face.)   GEORGE (to the EMTs): It was an inferno in there! An inferno! (Eric, Robin's mother, and all the kids rush at George.)   ERIC: There he is! That's him! (Tries to clobber George with his big shoe.)   ROBIN'S MOTHER: That's the coward that left us to die!   (Cut to George attempting to explain his cowardly actions to Robin, her mother, Eric and a fireman from the back of the ambulance at the party.)   GEORGE (voice is hoarse from screaming): I...was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety.   ROBIN: But you yelled "get out of my way"!   GEORGE: Because! Because, as the leader...if I die...then all hope is lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where-where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards?   ROBIN: But I saw you push the women and children out of the way in a mad panic! I saw you knock them down! And when you ran out, you left everyone behind!   GEORGE: Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained eye, I can fully understand how you got that impression. What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?   FIREMAN: How do you live with yourself?   GEORGE: Its not easy.     [Monk's]   (George and Jerry at the usual booth)   GEORGE: So she doesn't want to see me anymore.   JERRY: Did you knock her over too, or just the kids?   GEORGE: No, her too. And her mother.   JERRY: Really? Her mother.   GEORGE: Yeah. I may have stepped on her arm, too, I don't know.   JERRY: You probably couldn't see because of the smoke.   GEORGE: Yeah. But it was somebody's arm.   JERRY: Hmm. So you feel "women and children first," in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion.   GEORGE: To some degree.   JERRY: So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves.   GEORGE: In a manner of speaking.   JERRY: Yeah, well, it's honest.   GEORGE: Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.   JERRY: Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll see things differently.   GEORGE: Perhaps.   JERRY: So, what was the fire? Just a couple of greasy hamburgers?   GEORGE: Yeah. Eric the Clown put it out with his big shoe.   JERRY: By the way, did you see this? (Hands George a magazine)   GEORGE: What's that?   JERRY: It's the Leonard Christian article about my show. Plus my gig in Miami got cancelled, I betcha it's because of the article.   GEORGE: Wow, he really does a number on you. (reads) "Seinfeld froze like a deer in the headlights in the face of incessant heckling."   JERRY: I should have let her have it! I held back because of Kramer.   GEORGE: You know what you oughta do. You should go to her office and heckle her.   JERRY: Yeah, right.   GEORGE: You know, like all the comedians always say, 'How would you like it if I came to where you work and heckled you?'   JERRY: Yeah, that'd be something.   GEORGE: I'm not kidding, you should do it.   JERRY: But wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's revenge? I've always had a fantasy about doing that.   GEORGE: Well, go ahead! Do it!   JERRY: Why can't I?   GEORGE: No reason!   JERRY: You know what? I think I'm gonna do that! She came down to where I work, I'll go down to where she works!   GEORGE: This is unprecedented!   JERRY: There's no precedent, baby!   GEORGE: What...are you using my babies now?     [Toby in her office at Pendant.]   (Jerry pokes his head in the door.)   JERRY: Hey, nice shoes. What, you wear sandals to work? It's always nice to walk into a room and get the aroma of feet. That's real conducive to the work atmosphere. I'm sure your co-workers really appreciate it. 'Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office. Great idea! We can check on her bunions!'   TOBY: You know, I have work to do here! I'm very busy!   JERRY: Oh, is this disruptive? You find it hard to work with someone...interrupting?   TOBY: Well, how would you like it if I called security?   JERRY: Security? Well, I don't know how you're gonna make it in this business if you can't take it! Ya gotta be tough! Booo! Boooo!   TOBY: No, (gets up out of her chair) that's it. (Kramer arrives; to Kramer) Get out of the way.   (Toby upset; storms out.)   KRAMER: Hey, what's going on?   JERRY: Boo!   KRAMER: What's happenin' here?   JERRY: Hiss!   KRAMER: (going after Toby) Toby! Toby!   (Cut to a scene of the street outside. We hear screeching tires)   TOBY: (voice; screaming) My pinky toe!   KRAMER: (voice; yelling) Toby! (Shot of a shocked Kramer is shown) Oh, Oh!     [Jerry's Apartment]   (Kramer and Jerry)   KRAMER: What did you go up there to heckle her for?   JERRY: Because she came down to the club and heckled me! Give her a taste of her own medicine! (George enters.)   KRAMER: Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine, alright.   JERRY: Well, I didn't want her to have an accident.   GEORGE: What accident?   KRAMER: Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.   GEORGE: That's unbelievable!   KRAMER: Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.   GEORGE: Wha.. you ran?   KRAMER: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step on it."   GEORGE: Holy cow!   KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy - " (Kramer throws two quick punches and a massive uppercut) - knocked him out cold!   GEORGE: How could you do that?!   KRAMER: Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion...the bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.   GEORGE: You're Batman.   KRAMER: Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door you know with my foot, you know - at the next stop.   JERRY: You kept makin' all the stops?   KRAMER: Well, people kept ringin' the bell!   GEORGE: Well, wha-what about the toe? What happened to the toe?   KRAMER: Well! I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line.   GEORGE: You did all this...for a pinky toe?   KRAMER: Well, it's a valuable appendage.     [Elaine's office at Pendant]   (Elaine talking with two co-workers.)   JOANNE: So, Kramer found the toe, and they re-attached it.   ELAINE: Really.   JOANNE: Yea, poor kid. What an ordeal.   MICHAEL: And you know how extremely sensitive she is?   ELAINE: I know.   MICHAEL: She's gonna need our full support.   ELAINE (wearily): Yeah, right.   OTHER CO-WORKERS IN HALLWAY: Look who's here! Toby! (Toby enters on crutches.)   MICHAEL: Toby, what can I do? Can I get you something?   TOBY: Oh no, no thank you.   MICHAEL: Toby please let us help. We're family.   TOBY: Oh well, I could use some coffee.   (A horde of employees flood into Elaine's office to gush over Toby. Elaine is pushed to the floor as a result.)     [Jerry's Apartment]   (Elaine and Jerry)   JERRY: She got the promotion?   ELAINE (standing in the doorway): Yep.   JERRY: Why?   ELAINE: I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt so sorry for her, he didn't want to hurt her feelings.   JERRY: Too bad.   ELAINE: Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I mean, what is it? It's useless! It does nothing. It's got that little nail that is just impossible to cut. What do we need it for?   JERRY: Because Elaine, that's the one that goes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.'   ELAINE: Why don't you just shut the f-   KRAMER (from his doorway): Hey Elaine, did you hear the good news? Toby got promoted!   ELAINE: Yes, I heard, Kramer - I work there, remember??   KRAMER: Yeah, and you know what she told me? She said her first order of business is to put my coffee table book into the bookstores as soon as possible.   ELAINE: Oh, wonderful!   KRAMER: You know, throughout this whole thing, she always kept a smile on her face.   ELAINE: Oh, of course! She's deranged.     [Jerry and Ronnie backstage at the comedy club.]   JERRY: I went down to the magazine, I pleaded with him to come and see me again, finally he agreed to come down tonight, and he's going to write another article.   RONNIE: I heard you went down to somebody's office and heckled them?   JERRY: Damn right! We've been lapdogs long enough!   RONNIE: How could you do that? I mean, everybody's talking about it.   JERRY: Yeah well, it's about time one of us drew a line in the sand.   RONNIE: Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened the door for all of us. I can't wait till the next time someone heckles me.   JERRY: Yeah, well, it won't be long.   ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jerry Seinfeld!   JERRY: Gotta go. (heads out on stage)   (George enters and sees Robin working.)   GEORGE: Robin? Robin!   ROBIN: George, what is it? I'm working.   GEORGE: Robin, listen to me. The most amazing thing has happened. Kramer has opened my eyes. I think I've changed.   ROBIN: What are you talking about?   GEORGE: O.k....(is about to explain. Cut to Jerry on-stage.)   JERRY: I mean, Bozo the Clown...I mean does he really need "the clown" in his title, as clown? Bozo, "the" clown? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the district attorney? Bozo the pope? There's no other Bozo...   (Cut back to George explaining his situation to Robin.)   GEORGE: ...you'll see, things will be different now - if you just give me one more chance.   ROBIN: L-listen, Listen...I gotta think about this. (walks away.)   GEORGE: Alright, but I'm serious about this.   RONNIE (points his water gun at the bartender): Alright, hand it over man!   (Cut back to Jerry onstage.)   JERRY: ...that's why men hunt and women nest.   GEORGE (from backstage): He's got a gun! He's got a gun! Get out of the way! (Tries to flee the bar in a mad panic. The audience in the club also goes nuts and heads for the exits. Jerry stands onstage, perplexed.)   (Cut back to George in the bar.)   ROBIN: George! This is Ronnie Kaye!   GEORGE: The prop comic? (Ronnie holds up his water gun and smiles.) Oh, hi...I didn't recognize you, what...did you get a haircut?   RONNIE (points to his nose): Nostrils.   (Jerry comes backstage.)   JERRY: George - could I have a word?     [Closing Monologue]   I was in a hotel room the other day, and on the back of the door in the hotel room they have the fire map. I'm flattered that they think I have it together enough to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing directions. 'Yeah, I'll go left by the stairs, right by the candy machine...' I'd probably get lost, have to go back to the room, check the map again...and they always tell you, no matter what, whatever you do in a hotel fire - do not panic. Hey, I got four minutes to live, I've never panicked in my whole life - it's my option. Even if they find you, you have a perfect excuse...'Gee, I heard they saved you swingin' from the shower curtain naked with an ice bucket on your head. What happened there?' 'Well, I panicked.' 'That's understandable.'    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 105 - The Jimmy  pc: 617, season 6, episode 19  Broadcast date: March 16, 1995   Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Anthony Starke ................... Jimmy  Bryan Cranston ................... Dr. Tim Whatley  Robert Katims ..................... DEENSFREI:  Mel Torme ........................... Himself  Alison Armitage .................. Cheryl  J.D. Bridges ......................... Paramedic  Elan Carter .......................... Receptionist  rc: Richard Herd .................. Wilhelm      ==================================================================   [The New York Health Club. Jerry, Kramer and George are getting dressed]   GEORGE: " That guy was amazing, he could dunk and he was my height...What was his name again?"   JERRY: "Jimmy"   GEORGE: "Jimmy, right."   JERRY: "I dunno how you could forget . He kept reffering to himself in the third person. "Jimmy's under the boards. Jimmy's in the open. Jimmy makes the shot."   GEORGE: "Ah! your just mad 'cause we beat ya."   KRAMER: "Jerry it's my fault .I couldn't make a shot. These losses they stay with me. They (?) Jerry. Now this is gonna plague me."( Puts on aftershave and cries out) OH! Mother!!!"   (Jimmy walks in)   GEORGE: "HEY! JIMMY!!! ha ha ha........Great game."   JIMMY: "OH yeah.......Jimmy played pretty good."   GEORGE: "Hey you know , I felt we had like a synergy out there,you know, like we were really helping each other."   KRAMER: "What d'you got there?"   JIMMY: "These?"   KRAMER: "Yeah"   JIMMY: "These are Jimmy's training shoes."   GEORGE: "Yeah,yeah yeah yeah! I've seen these.....they sorta ..they make your legs..stronger."   JIMMY: "Oh yeah! Jimmy couldn't jump at all before he got these. Jimmy was like you (looks at George)   KRAMER: "They're Plyometric.(sp?)"   GEORGE: "Plyometric?"   KRAMER: "Yeah! They isolate the muscles. The muscle has to grow....or die."   GEORGE: (to Jimmy) Wh...Where d'you get'em?"   JIMMY: "Jimmy sells'em."   GEORGE: "You sell them?"   JIMMY: "Oh yeah! But Jimmy's all out right now. Moving to Manhattan set Jimmy back a bit."   GEORGE: "Hey listen, let me give you my card. It's got my home number on it. I want to buy the first pair when the next shipment comes in."   JIMMY: "All right"   GEORGE: "All right Jimmy Good talking to ya."   JIMMY: "Jimmy'll see you around."   (Jimmy leaves.)   GEORGE: "What day is today?....Aw. ..Tuesday! Damn it. I shouldn't have worked out today. Mr Wilhem has called a big meeting and now I'm gonna be sweating through the whole thing."   JERRY: "Why. You took a shower?"   GEORGE: "Aahhrgh...it wouldn't take...... long pause, audience laughter) ten minutes from now, I'll be sweating all over again ,I can feel it. I'm a human heat pump!"   KRAMER: "You should take cold showers."   GEORGE: "Cold showers? They're for psychotics."   KRAMER: "Well I take 'em........They give me a Whooooosh."   GEORGE: "All right, I'll see you guys later."   JERRY: "Aw right."   KRAMER: "So, you're heading home?"   JERRY: "No...Got dental appointment."   KRAMER: "Ah! what.. Tim Whatley?   JERRY: "Yeah!"   KRAMER: "Oh yeah.! I got a check up on Thursday."   JERRY: "Oh! How d'you like that?"   KRAMER: "You know.. You really shouldn't brush 24 hours before seeing the dentist."   JERRY: "I think that's eat 24 hours before surgery."   KRAMER: "Oh no, you got to eat before surgery, you need your strength."   (Kramer leaves. Jerry is speechless.)     [Meeting at Yankee Stadium.]   WILHELM: "I called this meeting because we......have........a problem. For the last few months someone has been stealing equipment from the club. Until recently it's been little things, y'know; bases, batting helmets, donuts, but two nights ago they pulled the big one. "   (The camera goes back and forth from Wilhem to George who keeps pulling on his collar he's sweating.)   WILHELM: "They took a pitching machine, a batting cage ,the in-field tarp and all of Mr Steinbrenner's vitamins.. Now , we have reasons to believe it's an inside job."   GEORGE: (still puffing)" Whoa!!"   WILHELM: "If anybody here knows anything about it I recommend strongly that...you come forward."   (Wilhem looks at George who's sweating so much it seems he's hiding something.)     [Scene cuts to Tim Whatley's dental office.]   RECEPTIONIST: "Dr Whatley's running a little late. If you'd like to take a seat, I'll call you when he's ready."   JERRY: "All right."   (Jerry sits down and browses through the magazine on the table and discovers Tim has Penthouse magazines for patients to read.)     [Scene then switches to Jerry's apartment. Elaine is on the phone.]   ELAINE: "Oh! Okay. Right. Thanks Mr Pitt....'kay. ..goodbye."   ELAINE: (to Jerry) "Hey ! You want to go see "The Velvet Fog".   JERRY: "The Velvet fog?"   ELAINE: "Yeah! Mel Tormé, That's his nickname."   JERRY: "What the hell his a velvet fog."   ELAINE: "Do you wanna go or not?"   JERRY: "Well , where is it?."   ELAINE: "He's performing at this AMCA benefit."   JERRY: "AMCA?"   ELAINE: "Able Mentally Challenged Adults"   JERRY: "Naaaaaa...I can't watch a man sing a song."   ELAINE: "What are you..crazy?"   JERRY: "They get all emotional , they sway. It's embarrassing."   ELAINE: "Well, what am I gonna do for a date.?...Oh! do you know that ..hemmm! blond guy who's always at the exercycle at the health club?"   JERRY: "I don't think so."   ELAINE: "Yeah yeah! He's really handsome with those..."   JERRY: (interrupting) "Elaine , I really don't...............pay much attention to men`s faces."   ELAINE: "You can't find beauty in a man?"   JERRY: "No... I find them repugnant and unappealing."   (Kramer bursts in)   KRAMER: "Hey!"   JERRY: (pointing Kramer) "To wit"   KRAMER: "What?"   JERRY: "No ,Elaine and I we're just discussing whether I could admit a man is attractive."   KRAMER: " Hmm! Oh! Yeah. I'll tell you who is an attractive man; Gorge Will."   JERRY: "Really!"   KRAMER: "Yeah! He has clean looks, scrubbed and shampooed and...."   ELAINE: "He's smart...."   KRAMER: "No, no I don't find him all that bright."   KRAMER: "So you got any cavities?"   JERRY: "Just one....gotta go back.....Oh but get this. Elaine, you will appreciate this. I'm sitting in Tim Whatley's waiting room...He's got a Penthouse right out on the table."   ELAINE: "Penthouse?"   JERRY: "Yeah!!! What is that? I mean isn't that sick. I mean , I'd be embarrassed to have that in my apartment."   KRAMER: "So what's wrong with that?   JERRY: (outraged) He's a doctor!.I mean it's supposed to be like a sterile environment."   KRAMER: "So... Did you take a look?"   JERRY: "Of course.... But that's got nothing to do with it."   KRAMER: "Well I'll tell you I'm looking forward to my appointment on Thursday. I might even get there a few minutes early."   (George comes in. Kramer walks out.)   GEORGE: "Hey"   ELAINE: "Hey! Hey! listen ... Do one of you guys know that ..that blond guy who's always on the exercycle at the health club. You know he's just really handsome?.."   GEORGE: (head down low) I...I wouldn't know"   ELAINE: "You know that just admitting a man is handsome doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual."   GEORGE: "It doesn't help"   ELAINE: "All right, I'm gone"   GEORGE: "I'll see you."   GEORGE: (to Jerry) "You know those shoes that Jimmy had? I cut a deal with him. We're gonna import a case of them together."   JERRY: "What are you doing that for, you got a job"   GEORGE: "There's a lot of money in this.. He's got a proven sales method"   JERRY: " Yeah! What's that."   GEORGE: "He jumps!"   JERRY: "Jimmy's got a record. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmt and George are gonna get rich."   GEORGE: "Will you stop with the Jimmies"   Kramer takes something out of the fridge   KRAMER: "Hey! What's this?"   JERRY: "Kom Pau(sp?"   (Kramer tastes the chicken but realizes too late how hot and spicy it is)   KRAMER: "(gasp_)......Kom Pau........"     [Elaine at the health club trying to attract the handsome blond guy's attention.]   ELAINE: (We hear what she thinks) Look at me....Look at Mee!. Come on. I'm stretching right in front of you. Heeeey!! ...a smile. Aah! we made contact, all right one more stretch and then go talk to him.   (Hank leaves as she's ready to make her move. Elaine turns to try to find out where he could be and stops when she takes notice of Jimmy.)   JIMMY: "You know...Jimmy is pretty sweet on you."   ELAINE: "Aaaaaahhh! He is?!"   JIMMY: "Oh yeah!. Jimmy's been watching you....you're just Jimmy's type."   ELAINE: "AAaaaaahhh! Really?"(giggles)   JIMMY: "Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy hem ..doesn't really know anyone."   ELAINE: "Oh! well I'd like, like to get to know him."   JIMMY: "Jimmy would like to get to know you."   ELAINE: "Ha...."     [Scene cuts to Tim Whatley's office. Kramer is in the chair.]   WHATLEY: "Hey! Kramer"   KRAMER: "Boy , you're looking sharp there Tim."   WHATLEY: "Yeah Well....I do what I can. How've you been."   KRAMER: "Euh.. Fine , good , yeah! Just been occupying myself with some of your....hem reading material."   WHATLEY: "So what'ill it be? Novocaine?"   KRAMER: "Oh yes, yes indeed."   WHATLEY: "Why don't we just clear a path first."   KRAMER: "yeah, yeah, lets do that."   WHATLEY: "You remember Mr. Thirsty."   KRAMER: "All right euhhm....."   (Whatley puts the suction device in Kramer's mouth and loud suctions sounds are heard.)     [Scene then cuts back to the health club where Kramer is trying the vertical lift shoes.]   JERRY: "Ahh! You too with these?"   KRAMER: (still under the effects of the Novocaine slurrs his words heavily) "Yeah H'amon board."   JERRY: "So what did Tim say?"   KRAMER: "Wellhum....He th'aid I gotta cut out the SsssfKittles."   JERRY: "Looks like he gave you some Novocaine"   KRAMER: "Ohhh H'am loaded."   JERRY: "So what about the Penthouse. Did you ask him?"   KRAMER: "Well he said that humm.. you know.that it helps his pathients relax a little bit..and he's got a new polithy: Adults only."   JERRY: "Adults only?"   KRAMER: "Yeah!!!"   JERRY: "What the hell's going on over there?"   KRAMER: "Well you know its.. great. You know, no kids ..allowed. you don't have to watch your language."   JERRY: "You find you need to use a lot of obscenities at the dentist.   KRAMER: "He..he... When they pull that needle out I let the expletives fly."   (Kramer reaches for a glass of water and drinks but manages to have it spill out on to the floor)   JERRY: "Hey! Hey! Watch it.!... You're drooling all over the floor. How much Novocaine did that guy give you."   KRAMER: "Well.. Aye can't hold the water."   (Jimmy comes in dribbling.)   JIMMY: "Oh yeah!! ... Jimmy's ready."   KRAMER: "Hey Jimmy"   GEORGE: "Ha..harrr."   JIMMY: "Jimmy's got some new moves."   KRAMER: "Go Jimmy"   JIMMY: 'Check Jimmy out"   (Jimmy slips on Kramer's puddle and falls on his back)   JIMMY: "Ooohhh!!!!! JIMMY'S DOWN."   (paramedics and Jimmy on a stretcher.)   PARAMEDIC: (missing a few words) ......was gonna be in traction."   JIMMY: "Jimmy might have a compound fracture.. Jimmy's going into shock!!"   GEORGE: (angrily)"WHY WEREN'T YOU MORE CAREFUL WITH YOUR DROOL!"   KRAMER: "HEY I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!!!"   JERRY: "Why are you taking this so personally?"   GEORGE: "BECAUSE IF HE CAN'T JUMP. THERE GOES MY SNEAKER BUSINESS!!"   KRAMER: (cries out) WELL I SAID I'M SORRY."   JIMMY: (as he gets taken out) "JIM....JIMMY WONT FORGET YOU KRAMER... JIMMY HOLDS GRUDGES. LET JIMMY GO......"   KRAMER: "BUT I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING."     [Kramer is seen running down the street with his vertical lift shoes. He's trying to hail a cab.]   KRAMER: "HEY TAXI!!!.....TAXI!!"   (An elderly gentleman is after the same taxi.)   KRAMER: "Go ahead, go ahead you got it......(to the driver) He's got it."   (The man is looking him up and down, noticing the shoes and the slurred speech.)   DEENSFREI: (slowly) Oh! Please, go ahead take it   KRAMER: "No,No...You were here first."   DEENSFREI: No. No I..I insist. I'll grab the next one."   KRAMER: "Lets share.. we share....Awight"   DEENSFREI: "Yes ! Splendid. That's a great idea."   (Kramer bumps his head as he gets into the cab)   DEENSFREI: "My name is Arnold DEENSFREI:. What is your name?"   KRAMER: "Eh!! Cosmo Kramer. Nice to meet you"   DEENSFREI: "Very nice to meet you Cosmo. Are you heading home?   KRAMER: (like rainman)"Yeah! heading home."   DEENSFREI: "Good for you.....You are really independant."   KRAMER: "Yeaheum ... You're not doing too bad yourself"     [In a sporting goods store, George tries to make a sale. He is putting on the shoes.]   GEORGE: "Argh!!..Anyway...Jimmy couldn't be here today so he asked me to fill in for him, and I'm sure that you'll be impressed at what can be accomplished after only a few short days of training.....yeah!"   (George tries three times to jump but barely lifts a couple of inches off the ground. The store personnel gets uninterested quickly and leave.)     [Scene cuts to Jerry's apartment.]   KRAMER: (whose voice has returned to normal)" THE VELVET FOG!!!!"   JERRY: "What about the Velvet Fog ?"   ELAINE: (as she comes in) "What about the Velvet Fog?"   KRAMER: "Well...He's singing at a benefit and I'm gonna be sitting at his table."   ELAINE: "I'm going to that!"   KRAMER: "I'm a guest of honor."   ELAINE: "What are you talking about?"   KRAMER: "Well this afternoon I shared a cab with this...a hum..DEENSFREI:."   ELAINE: "Yeah, yeah! Arnold DEENSFREI:, he runs the AMCA "   KRAMER: "Yeah! well ..that's the guy .He's organizing the dinner."   ELAINE: "I know that but why are you going?"   KRAMER: "Well, because we hit it off and he was very impressed with what I do."   ELAINE: "What you do!!. You don't do anything."   KRAMER: "Well apparently I do something 'cause I'm sitting at the head table with Mr. Mel Tormé   (Kramer sits on the couch and puts his feet up on the coffee table.)   ELAINE: (pointing at the shoes) "What are those?"   KRAMER: "Ehmm ..These are my vertical leap training shoes."   JERRY: "Wait a second ..Where you wearing those shoes in the cab?"   KRAMER: "Yeah! yeah! right after I left the Y."   JERRY: "Don't you see what's happened, he couldn't talk , he's wearing these shoes, he's drooling."   KRAMER: "What!!!"   ELAINE: "He thinks you're mentally challenged."   JERRY: "Well...........you know....."   ELAINE: "Well ,what happens when you show up . He'll see that you're not.?"   JERRY: "Not necessarily because....."     [Scene cuts back to Tim Whatley's dental office. Jerry is sitting in the chair.]   WHATLEY: "Sheryl, would you ready the Nitro(???) please?"   (Whatley inhales the gas mask before handing it over to Jerry.)   JERRY: "Oh! where's Jennifer today?"   WHATLEY: "OH!! She's over at Dr.Cessman's office. We find it fun to swap now and then."     [Cuts to Yankee Stadium. George is sitting at his desk eating Kam Pau chicken.]   GEORGE: "Whhhoooo!!!!"(taps on his desk loudly)   (Phone rings.)   GEORGE: "Arrrrrrgh!! .. It's George.. Oh! Sports wholesaler. yeah. yeah. .. thanks for calling back. No , no , no still got the shoes, still got the shoes. Lots of them. This is.. beautiful athletic gear."   (Wilhelm enters the office as George is talking on the phone. He seems suspicious.)   GEORGE: ".....Well. I'm sorry. Call you right back."   WILHELM: "So George. Have you heard anything about the missing equipment?"   GEORGE: "No!...not...nothing."   WILHELM: "George, there's nothing I hate more than a liar."   GEORGE: "Well...there's no room for someone like that in this organization."   WILHELM: "Are you feeling all right George?"   GEORGE: "Hemmm!.. Fine!"   WILHELM: "You look a little warm."   GEORGE: "...It's the chicken"   WILHELM: "You're a terrible liar George. Look at you, you're a wreck!. you're sweating bullets."   GEORGE: "It's the Kom Pau ... George likes his chicken spicy."     [Back in Tim Whatleys office..Jerry wakes up , his vision blurred. He sees Whatley and Sheryl getting dressed.]     [Scene cuts to Monks. Jerry and Elaine are talking.]   ELAINE: "....Maybe you were still under the gas.Maybe you were hallucinating you're coming out of the gas but you were still under the gas."   JERRY: "I don't think so. I think they were getting dressed and not only that; my shirt was out!!!"   ELAINE: "your shirt was out?"   JERRY: "I think so."   ELAINE: "Well, what kind of shirt was it.?"   JERRY: "You know! Like a tennis shirt."   ELAINE: "Oh! Well ... You don't tuck those in?"   JERRY: "Sometimes I tuck'em sometimes I don't"   ELAINE: "Well. Were you tucked?"   JERRY: "I think I was tucked.!"   ELAINE: "All right then say you were. I mean .. what do you think could have happened.?"   JERRY: "I don't know but I was spitting out and rinsing like there was no tomorrow."   ELAINE: "Ughhhh"   JERRY: "Is this guy a dentist or Caligula?"   ELAINE: "What are you gettin'?"   JERRY: "I don't think I'm hungry:"   ELAINE: "Okay...So you were violated by two people while you were under the gas. So What? You're single."   JERRY: " But I'm damaged goods now."   ELAINE: "Join the club."   JERRY: "Hey, by the way, did you ever call that guy from the health club.?"   ELAINE: "Oh yeah! Jimmy."   JERRY: "Jimmy?   ELAINE: "Ahum!"   JERRY: "That's the guy?"   ELAINE: "Yeah!"   JERRY: "Can't believe your going out with him..."   ELAINE: "Why?"   JERRY: "I dunno. He's so strange.'   ELAINE: "How so?"   JERRY: "Did you notice he always refer to himself in the third person. Jimmy can dunk. Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy we'll see you later."   ELAINE: "No No... That's not him. That's the guy who gave me... Jimmy's number."   JERRY: "That's Jimmy. That's the way he talks."   ELAINE: "I'm going to go see Mel Tormé with him?"   JERRY: "Jimmy's gonna put the moves on Elaine.."   (George comes in and sits down with them)   GEORGE: "I have to go see Steinbrenner later. Mr Wilhelm told him that I was the one responsable for stealing all the merchandise."   JERRY: "Why?"   GEORGE: "'Cause when he questioned me about it I was sweating from the Kom Pau.."   JERRY: "I don't know how you can eat that spicy chicken,"   GEORGE: "George likes spicy chicken."   JERRY: "What's that?"   GEORGE: "....I like spicy chicken"   JERRY: "No no you said George likes spicy chicken."   GEORGE: "No I didn't"   ELAINE: "Yes you did you said George likes spicy chicken..   JERRY: "You're turning in to Jimmy."   GEORGE: "George is getting upset.."     [Back at the health club Elaine meets Jimmy who is wearing crutches.]   JIMMY: "So what do you want to see Jimmy about?"   ELAINE: "Well.... (pointing at him) Jimmy!"   JIMMY: "Huh uh..."   ELAINE: "About tonight hum.. there's been a little misunderstanding."   JIMMY: "Ah! ... Jimmy doesn't like misunderstanding."   ELAINE: "Yeah. What happened was...."   JIMMY: "Jimmy and misunderstanding kinda clash."   ELAINE: (suddenly intrigued) "You know, I've never heard anyone talk the way you do. It's very unusual."   JIMMY: "Well, Jimmy's very unusual."   ELAINE: "Well anyway hum.... see when I made the date, I thought that Jimmy......"   JIMMY: "Hey look. Hank's got a new boyfriend. Jimmy's not threatened by Hanks sexuality ... Jimmy's happy for Hank."   ELAINE: "Elaine once tried to convert one but Elaine's not going through that again."     [Scene cuts to The Marriot for the benefit.]   KRAMER: "I'm going to try and find some candy. You want some?"   ELAINE: "Yeah!"   KRAMER: "What kind?"   ELAINE: "I don't care:"   (Jimmy walks in)   ELAINE: "Hey Jimmy!!"   JIMMY: "I Elaine."   ELAINE: "Elaine got a new dress."   JIMMY: "Jimmy likes it."   KRAMER: "There's no candy around here. hey! Jimmy."   JIMMY: "Well look who's here."   KRAMER: "Whooo!"   JIMMY: "That's the guy who sidelined Jimmy."   KRAMER: "What!"   JIMMY: "That's the guy who took the bread out of Jimmy's mouth. Jimmy's out of work because of you..   (Jimmy punches Kramer in the mouth.)   JIMMY: "Jimmy wants a piece of Kramer..(fighting ensues and Jimmy gets taken out by hotel security)   JIMMY: "JIMMY'S GONNA GET YOU KRAMER!!. HANDS OFF JIMMY!!. DON'T TOUCH   JIMMY!! LET GO OF JIMMY!!!"   KRAMER: (Keamer's voice starts slurring again) "Yeah! My lips swollen?"   (Kramer sitting at the head table.)   KRAMER: "No No I've been living alone a long time now."   MEL: "Well I think that's the tops."     [We cut back to Yankee stadium in George Steinbrenners office.]   GEORGE: (knocks) You hem... wanted to see me Mr. Steinbrenner?"   STEIN: "Yes George, come in ,come in. You know George I've been your biggest supporter around here and thats why I was so disappointed to hear that you been pilfering the equipment."   GEORGE: "George would never do anything like that."   STEIN: 'No why would I. I own it."   GEORGE: "Right!"   STEIN: "So what are you saying?"   GEORGE: "Why would George steal from the Yankees?"   STEIN: 'He wouldn't."   GEORGE: " 'course not"   STEIN: "Exactly..................(mumbles) I don't what the hell's going on here."   GEORGE: "Sir?"   STEIN: "Nothing."   GEORGE: (energetically) "Well seems it's about time for George's lunch."   STEIN: "Yes it is. Well lets see what I have today. Darn it It's ham & Cheese again and she forgot the fancy mustard. I told her I like that fancy mustard. You could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me. oh! she made it up with a cupcake though. Hey look at this. you know I got a new system for eating these things. `I used to peel off the chocolate now I turn them upside down , I eat the cake first and save the frosting for the end. (George stops listening and It's almost like its own dessert.............     [Scene fades and we go back to the AMCA benefit.]   MEL: "Ladies and gentlemen....I want to dedicate this song to a very courageous young man. (starts singing) "When you're smiling, When you're smiling... The whole world smiles with you... When you're laughin', When you're laughin' The sun comes shining through But when you're crying, You bring on the rain So stop that sign. Be happy again Keep on smiling , 'cause when you're smiling The whole world smiles with yooooouuuuuuu The whole world smiles with (with Kramer)yooooouuuuuuu..     [On the street Jerry and Kramer.]   KRAMER: "Hey! Got the new Penthouse"   JERRY: "Where's my Mr. Goodbar?"   KRAMER: " Ah! here here Listen...Dear Penthouse, I want to tell you about an experience I recently had. As an avid reader I've always wondered if the letters (with Jerry) are I'm a dentist and one afternoon my hygienist and I decided to have a little fun with one of our patients. Of course none of our patients had any idea exactly of what we were up to. I was still wondering what if ......... (Jerry stops and seems bewildered)      The End <|endoftext|>Episode 23 - The Parking Garage  pc: 306, season 3, episode 6  Broadcast date: October 30, 1991   Written By Larry David  Directed By Tom Cherones   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   David Dunard ..................... Security Guard  Cynthia Ettinger ................ Michele  Gregory Daniel .................. Man in Corvette  Carlyle King ....................... The Mother  Adam Wylie ....................... The Kid  Joe Farago .......................... Man With Woman  Ron Evans .......................... Bodybuilder  Tucker Smallwood .............. Man in Mercedes   ==================================================================    [ACT ONE SCENE A INT. ESCALATOR - GOING DOWN TO A GARAGE. IN SINGLE FILE: GEORGE, JERRY AND ELAINE, WHO'S CARRYING A PLASTIC BAG WITH GOLDFISH, AND KRAMER WHO'S HAVING A ROUGH TIME WITH A LARGE, HEAVY BOX.]   GEORGE: One left...what a joke.   KRAMER: You can have this one.   GEORGE: No, that's not enough BTUs for my living room...That was a complete waste of time.   ELAINE: Hey, I didn't get one either.   JERRY: Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?   ELAINE: This is what people do.   JERRY: No they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're making out on blankets. They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner.   (THEY GET OFF THE ESCALATOR AND HEAD FOR THE CAR.)     [ACT ONE SCENE B INT. PARKING GARAGE - CONTINUOUS JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE AND KRAMER.]   GEORGE: You should see what my father used to go through before he bought a car. He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. It was like he was running for President and he was going through the primaries. We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire.   ELAINE: So we took a little ride. What's the big deal?   GEORGE: Well at least you accomplished something. You got fish.   JERRY: Big accomplishment.   GEORGE: Fish. What do they do?   ELAINE: What do you do?   KRAMER: It's this way.   GEORGE: What time is it?   JERRY: Five o'clock.   GEORGE: Always late. Always late.   JERRY: You're not late.   GEORGE: I told them to meet me in front of my building at six-fifteen.   ELAINE: Who?   GEORGE: My parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic?   JERRY: Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour.   ELAINE: Isn't it going the other way?   JERRY: There is no other way in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time.   ELAINE: But it's Saturday.   JERRY: You got the picnic and burger traffic.   GEORGE: I always get myself in this position. Can't be on time. Gotta rush.   (KRAMER STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND.)   ELAINE: What's the matter?   (HE MUMBLES SOMETHING AND CONTINUES WALKING.)   JERRY: I have to go to the bathroom. Why do they hide the bathroom in these malls?   (KRAMER STUMBLES WITH THE AIR-CONDITIONER.)   JERRY: (CONT'D) You want me to help you with that?   KRAMER: No, no, I got it.   (AND HE STUMBLES AGAIN. JERRY SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.)   JERRY: (TO GEORGE, RE:WOMAN) What do you think, Georgie boy?   GEORGE: Did I need that pointed out for me? What is that going to do for me? How does that help me, to see her? I'm trying to live my life. Don't show me that.   KRAMER: If you like her, go talk to her.   GEORGE: Yeah, right. I'll just go up and say, "Hi, how ya' doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?" JERRY Before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button. She's like an expensive car with one of those motion-sensor force field alarms. Any sudden movement in the area could set her off.   KRAMER: She's fat.   ELAINE: Oh she's fat?   KRAMER STOPS AGAIN, CONFUSED.   ELAINE: What? JERRY Where's the car?   KRAMER: I thought it was here.   GEORGE: You don't know where we parked?   (KRAMER LOOKS AROUND, THEN RESUMES WALKING. THEY FOLLOW.)   GEORGE: Oh, this is great.   KRAMER: Blue-one. I thought it was blue-one.   JERRY: I thought it was green. I remember seeing green.   ELAINE: I didn't pay attention.   GEORGE: This is just what I need.   ELAINE: I'm sure it's right around here.   KRAMER: It looks familiar. I remember the elevator.   GEORGE: There's elevators all over! It all looks the same.   JERRY: It's over there. I know where it is.   (NOW JERRY TAKES THE LEAD AND THE OTHERS FOLLOW.)   ELAINE: It's black, right?   KRAMER: Dark blue.   GEORGE: (MUMBLING) You come to a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that?   JERRY: There it is!...No, no that's a Toyota.   THEY STOP...   JERRY: (CONT'D) Hmmm...I thought it was...   KRAMER: Didn't we come in over there?   JERRY: I thought it was over there.   (FROM THERE P.O.V. THE CAMERA DOES A THREE SIXTY AND WE GET A SENSE OF HOW ENORMOUS THIS PLACE IS, THEN)   ELAINE: How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags?   KRAMER: About two hours.   ELAINE: (SHE LOOKS AT HER WATCH) You'd better find this car.   GEORGE: It's this way... AND THEY TAKE OFF AGAIN, PAIRING OFF:   GEORGE & ELAINE WITH KRAMER & JERRY BEHIND THEM.   JERRY: I really have to go to the bathroom.   KRAMER: Why don't you go behind one of these cars? J   ERRY SHOOTS HIM A LOOK.   KRAMER: (CONT'D) Why? Nobody's around.   JERRY: I'll wait.   KRAMER: You know when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers. They hold it in all the time. Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily.   JERRY: Alright.   KRAMER: Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry?   JERRY: Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you...wherever I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.   (ANGLE ON ELAINE AND GEORGE...)   ELAINE: (RE: CAR) There it is!...No that's not it.   (A CAR SCREECHES AROUND A CURVE, ELAINE IS UNNERVED.)   ELAINE: (CONT'D) Hey, watch it. ...Did you see that car? Maniac. Can you explain something to me? I got six questions wrong on my drivers test. That's the maximum. I read the book, I'm a college graduate. This is a country where fifty percent of its high school students can't locate Europe on a map. How are they all passing that test? It's a mystery.   GEORGE: ...Six wrong?   ELAINE: Those school zones are a killer.   JERRY: (TO KRAMER, RE:BOX) Will you let me help you with that?   KRAMER: I'm gonna put it down behind that car.   HE DOES SO.   JERRY: You're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it?   KRAMER: (TO GEORGE) Pink eleven. Remember that.   GEORGE: Oh I got it. (TO JERRY) That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant.   ELAINE: (LOOKING AT FISH) I think they're laboring.   KRAMER: Look at this place. It's huge...   GEORGE: I can tell you this. If I am not in front of my house at six-fifteen, when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades.   JERRY: Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, "Make sure you hang on to your jacket."   GEORGE: Where the hell is this car, Kramer?   KRAMER: It's got to be here.   ELAINE: Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty.   JERRY: Maybe it's not on this level.   GEORGE: What?   JERRY: There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up?   ELAINE: It felt like a couple of levels.   JERRY: You should always carry a pad and pen.   GEORGE: I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.   KRAMER: I have a pen.   THEY REACT...   JERRY: Where was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred stores, I didn't see one bathroom. What is this, like a joke? They finished building the mall and they go, "Oh my god, we forgot the bathrooms."   MOTHER: (O.C.) Don't you dare talk to me like that! You hear me?   ELAINE: Look at that woman.   SHE'S HITTING HER BOY ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.   MOTHER: I told you! I don't care! You'll have to wait.   GEORGE: (TO WOMAN) Hey, is that necessary?   MOTHER: (TO GEORGE) Why don't you mind your own business?   GEORGE: I think hitting a defenseless child is my business.   KID: (TO GEORGE) You're ugly.   GEORGE: ...What?   KID: You're ugly.   GEORGE: You are!   KID: You are!   (THE KID GETS IN THE CAR. GEORGE IS STUNNED.)   GEORGE: I should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.   KRAMER: (RE: CAR) I found it!   ELAINE: He's got it.   KRAMER: Oh...no.   JERRY: All right, that's it. From now on no more calling out they found it, unless we're sitting in it. Okay?   ELAINE: Jerry, look at my fish.   (JERRY HOLDS UP THE BAG AND HITS IT WITH HIS FINGER.)   JERRY: His eyes look a little cloudy.   GEORGE: Oh are they gonna be furious.   JERRY: Who's got the tickets? GEORGE I do. (TO KRAMER) I thought you knew this mall. You said you'd been here before!   KRAMER: It was easy the last time.   ELAINE: My fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car.   JERRY: No one's going to do that.   (ELAINE SPOTS A FORTY-ISH, STYLISH COUPLE WALKING TO THEIR CAR.)   ELAINE: Excuse me, we can't seem to find our car. I was wondering if it would be possible if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look.   MAN #1: (HOLDING HIS HANDS UP) ...Sorry.   ELAINE: Five minutes.   MAN #1: Can't do it.   ELAINE: We're not wilding.   THEY LEAVE.   (SHE APPROACHES TWO GIRLS - EARLY TWENTIES, MALL KIDS.)   ELAINE: (CONT'D) Excuse me - I can't seem to find my car - do you think you could drive me...   (THEY START LAUGHING.)   ELAINE: (CONT'D) Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well tell me if you think this is funny: These fish are dying! They're gasping for oxygen right now! They'll be floating in an hour. Is that funny too?   (THEY IGNORE HER AND KEEP LAUGHING. CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER.)   JERRY: Those are really ugly sneakers. Where did you get those?   KRAMER: Right here at the mall.   (BACK TO ELAINE, SEEKING OUT A MAN WITH A BEARD.)   ELAINE: Excuse me...   (HE IGNORES HER AND KEEPS WALKING.)   ELAINE: (CONT'D) Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But the fish will be dead. You do know that. They can't live in plastic. That's not me talking, that's science.   (CUT TO JERRY AND KRAMER.)   JERRY: It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. All I have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in.   KRAMER: You drank a whole bottle of water.   JERRY: I know.   KRAMER: So why don't you just go?   JERRY: No I can't.   KRAMER: Don't you get tired of following rules?   JERRY: You think I'm too cautious?   KRAMER: Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to? It's organic.   JERRY: Organic. So's Buddy Hackett.   KRAMER: Buddy Hackett?   JERRY: He's a comedian.   KRAMER: I know.   JERRY: All right. All right.   KRAMER: (pointing) You can go over here.   JERRY: I can manage.   KRAMER: (turns away and spots George) George! (leaves scene)   KRAMER: It'll take you ten seconds.   HE NUDGES JERRY.   JERRY: Okay, okay. I'll be right back.   (WE STAY WITH JERRY AS HE WALKS TO THE BACK OF A CAR, LOOKS AROUND LIKE SUPERMAN, THEN LETS FLY. HE FINISHES, ZIPS UP, THEN TURNS AND SEES A SECURITY GUARD STARING AT HIM WITH HIS ARMS FOLDED.)   SECURITY GUARD: Okay, let's go. Come with me.   JERRY: But...   SECURITY GUARD: Come on.   JERRY: (STARTS TO LEAVE, TO HIMSELF) ...Kramer   (END OF ACT ONE)     [ACT TWO SCENE C INT. SECURITY GUARD'S OFFICE - A SMALL ROOM WITH A DESK AND A CHAIR. JERRY PLEADS FOR HIS RELEASE.]   JERRY: I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.   SECURITY GUARD: Well you're still not allowed.   JERRY: Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?   SECURITY GUARD: That's up to you.   JERRY: So you don't care if I die.   SECURITY GUARD: What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.   JERRY: It was life and death.   SECURITY GUARD: Uh huh.   JERRY: Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.   SECURITY GUARD: I don't know.   JERRY: Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning.   JERRY: (C0NT'D) Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place. You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh, it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck.   SECURITY GUARD: You can tell the police all about it.     [ACT TWO SCENE D INT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE, KRAMER, AND ELAINE.]   KRAMER: (CALLING OUT) Jerry!   ELAINE: Jerry!   GEORGE: Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story.   ELAINE: Maybe he went to one of the other levels. I'll go look for him.   GEORGE: Oh now you're gonna go? ELAINE I'll be back in five minutes.   GEORGE: If you go now, I know what's gonna happen. We'll find the car, Jerry will show up, and then we'll never find you.   ELAINE: No, no, I'll be back.   (SHE LEAVES.)   GEORGE: Oh what's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually.   KRAMER: Does that bother you?   GEORGE: Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you?   KRAMER: Not at all.   GEORGE: See now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because you're not bothered by it. How could it not bother you?   KRAMER: I once saw this thing on T.V. with people who are terminally ill. And they all believed the secret of life is just to live every moment.   GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile I'm here with you in a parking garage, what am I supposed to do?     [ACT TWO SCENE E INT. SECURITY OFFICE - JERRY AND THE SECURITY GUARD.]   JERRY: First of all you don't even know technically that I went. That's for starters. I mean I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. You don't know.   SECURITY GUARD: I know what you did.   JERRY: Oh really, do you? Well it just so happens that I did pour water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water and I poured it out. And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating.   JERRY: (CONT'D) And you know when you think about it it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. That's all it is.   SECURITY GUARD: Yeah I'm sure.   JERRY: You know this is not the first time this has happened to me. I always carry water because of my condition. It dehydrates me. It's a vicious cycle.     [ACT TWO SCENE F INT. PARKING GARAGE - ELAINE, LOOKING FOR JERRY. SHE'S TALKING TO AN OLDER BLACK MAN ABOUT TO GET IN HIS CAR.]   ELAINE: And now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking for the car. Five minutes, that's all. I just want to find him.   MAN #1: I can't do it.   ELAINE: But why? Why can't you do it?   MAN #1: I can't.   ELAINE: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.   MAN #1: That's right.   ELAINE: But why? Why don't you want to?   MAN #1: I don't know.   ELAINE: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?   MAN #:1 No, I wouldn't.     [ACT TWO SCENE G INT. SECURITY SHACK]   JERRY: (A NEW TACK) All right, all right. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis, the water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together. They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen.   JERRY: (CONT'D) What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past fourteen years.     [ACT TWO SCENE H INT. PARKING GARAGE - GEORGE AND KRAMER, STILL LOOKING FOR THE CAR.]   KRAMER: The guy's got a fat fetish. Spector never dates a woman under two hundred-fifty pounds.   GEORGE: (NOT INTERESTED) Really.   KRAMER: What does he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski?   GEORGE: Who's Killer Kowalski?   KRAMER: He was a wrestler. He would grab hold of someone's stomach and just squeeze it until they gave.   GEORGE: I've gotta go to the bathroom.   KRAMER: So go. GEORGE Here?   KRAMER: (SHAKING HIS HEAD) You and Jerry.   (GEORGE WALKS OUT OF THE FRAME AS KRAMER CONTINUES TO SCAN THE GARAGE. CUT TO GEORGE FINISHING UP. HE ZIPS UP, THEN TURNS, STARTLED. CUT TO THE SAME SECURITY GUARD, ARMS FOLDED, STARING AT HIM.)     [ACT TWO SCENE J INT. SECURITY OFFICE - GEORGE BEING LED IN BY THE SECURITY GUARD.]   GEORGE: Don't you believe me? It's their fiftieth anniversary. You know this is gonna kill him. You're aware of that. Kill him. On the biggest night of his life...   SECURITY GUARD: Oh your folks have an anniversary today too?   JERRY: (TO GEORGE) Was he also in a Red Chinese prison?   GEORGE: (TO JERRY, SOMEWHAT IMPRESSED) A Red Chinese prison?     [ACT TWO SCENE K INT. PARKING GARAGE - KRAMER, WANDERING AIMLESSLY.]   KRAMER: George! George!    [ACT TWO SCENE L INT. PARKING GARAGE]   ELAINE: Jerry! (THEN SHE CHECKS HER FISH)     [ACT TWO SCENE M INT. PARKING GARAGE - JERRY AND GEORGE ARE BACK IN THE GARAGE EACH HOLDING THEIR SUMMONS.]   JERRY: Well what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken. You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan Gardens? GEORGE Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy.   JERRY: Well General Chang was a very flamboyant man. A complete failure as a general, but a helluva cook.   ELAINE: (O.C.) Jerry! JERRY Elaine?!   ELAINE: (O.C.) Jerry! Over here...   (NOW THEY SPOT HER.)   ELAINE: (CONT'D) Where have you been?   JERRY: I was arrested for urinating.   GEORGE: (PROUDLY) Me too.   ELAINE: You what?   JERRY: I have uromysitisis. It's very serious you know.   ELAINE: Look at my fish... (JERRY EXAMINES IT) Is he...   JERRY: No, but he's not looking good... (ELAINE TURNS TO TWO HUGE BODY BUILDERS IN WORKOUT WEAR)   ELAINE: (DESPERATE) Please, we can't find our car. Please drive us around the parking lot to find our car. My fish are dying.   MAN #2: Can't do it.   ELAINE: I can see not caring what happens to us, we're human. But what about the fish? The fish?   MAN #3: Sorry. (THEY KEEP WALKING.)   ELAINE: That's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Work on your pecs. I'm really impressed.   (THEY LOOK BACK AT HER.)   ELAINE: (CONT'D) That's right you heard me. You got a problem with that?   GEORGE: Elaine, shut-up.   JERRY: Hey, where's Kramer?   GEORGE: I don't know. (TO ELAINE) Where's Kramer?   ELAINE: I thought he was with you.   GEORGE: See, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen...   (HE LOOKS AT JERRY'S WATCH AND THROWS HIS HANDS UP.)   GEORGE: (CONT'D) Look at the time, that's it.   ELAINE: Have we looked over there? Have we checked that side?   GEORGE: We came in over there!   ELAINE: We didn't come in over there!   JERRY: Where's Kramer?   (JERRY SEES THE ATTRACTIVE WOMAN THEY TALKED ABOUT EARLIER, AMY.)   JERRY: Hey George, there she is again. ...   GEORGE: So what do you want me to do?   JERRY: Ask her to drive us around. There's your opening.   GEORGE: That is an opening.   (GEORGE TENTATIVELY APPROACHES HER...)   GEORGE: (CONT'D) Excuse me...I really... What's happened is that my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd really appreciate it if...   AMY: Oh sure, I'll drive you around.   GEORGE: You will?   AMY: Sure.   (GEORGE WAVES FOR JERRY AND ELAINE.)   GEORGE: Thanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents are waiting in front of my building and we're stuck here.   AMY: I wouldn't want to get lost in here. It smells like a toilet. People are such animals.   GEORGE: Yeah, right.   JERRY: Filthy pigs.   (THEY ALL GET IN THE CAR.)   GEORGE: It's a blue Honda...   AMY: This has happened to me too. It's very frustrating.   ELAINE: Hi, I'm Elaine.   JERRY: Jerry.   AMY: Hello.   ELAINE: It's very nice of you to do this. I've asked several people and they wouldn't even answer me.   AMY: I'm happy to do it. (TO GEORGE) I'm Amy.   GEORGE: Hi Amy, I'm George.   (GEORGE TURNS TO THE BACK SEAT AND GIVES AND GIVE A, "HOW BOUT THIS?" LOOK.)     [ACT TWO SCENE N INT. PARKING GARAGE - MINUTES LATER LONG SHOT OF CAR - THE BRAKES SQUEAL AND THE CAR COMES TO AN ABRUPT STOP, THEN GEORGE, ELAINE, AND JERRY GET OUT.]   GEORGE: (TALKING IN PASSENGER WINDOW) I didn't mean anything by it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know you were...   (SHE PULLS OUT, LEAVING RUBBER, THEN)   GEORGE: (CONT'D) ...with that group.   ELAINE: (SHOUTING TO AMY) What about my fish?   JERRY: Boy, those Scientologists. They can be pretty sensitive.   ELAINE: I'll say.   (THEY TURN TO GEORGE, WHO'S GAPING AT SOMETHING.)   ELAINE: What is it? (THEY DISCOVER WHAT HE'S STARING AT) The car!   JERRY: The car!   GEORGE: The car!   ELAINE: We found it. I can't believe it!   THEY WALK TO IT...SUDDENLY GEORGE STOPS.   GEORGE: Kramer, Kramer's not here...I knew it. I knew it! I knew this would happen. (SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer!   JERRY: Kramer!   (THEY ALL SLUMP AGAINST THE CAR. ELAINE HOLDS UP HER FISH)     [ACT TWO SCENE P INT. PARKING GARAGE - ONE HOUR LATER SAME SHOT - BUT NO FISH. IN THE DISTANCE WE CAN MAKE OUT KRAMER STRUGGLING WITH THE AIR-CONDITIONER. JERRY TAPS ELAINE WITH HIS ELBOW. ELAINE TAPS GEORGE. WE STAY ON KRAMER AS HE GETS CLOSER.]   JERRY: Kramer.   KRAMER: Jerry?   JERRY: Yeah, over here.   KRAMER: Boy I had a helluva time finding that air-conditioner. I looked everywhere. I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was?   GEORGE: Purple 23.   KRAMER: Right! Purple 23. I could've used you.   GEORGE: Sometimes it's good to have a pencil to write these things down.   (THEY GET IN THE CAR.)   KRAMER: What time is it?   GEORGE: Seven forty-five.   KRAMER: Well at least there's no traffic.   GEORGE: Right.   KRAMER: What time does that play start?   GEORGE: Eight o'clock.   KRAMER: That might be a problem. (TO ELAINE) Where's your little bag of...   (JERRY INDICATES HE SHOULDN'T PURSUE THAT.)   KRAMER: (CONT'D) Oh...(TAKES OUT PARKING STUB) Boy this garage is going to cost a fortune. You know how long we were here?   SILENCE. HE STARTS UP THE CAR AND AS THEY HEAD OUT... FADE OUT. END OF ACT TWO    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 126 - The Shower Head  pc: 715, season 7, episode 16  Broadcast date: February 15, 1996   Written by Peter Mehlman & Marjorie Gross  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............  Elaine Benes  Michael Richards .................  Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:     Jay Leno ................................ Himself  Ron West .............................. Dr. Strugatz  Tim deZarn ........................... Salesman  Michelle Bonilla ...................... Waitress  Angelo Di Mascio Jr. ............. Man  rc: Wayne Knight .................. Newman  rc: Estelle Harris .................... Estelle Costanza  rc: Jerry Stiller ....................... Frank Costanza  rc: Liz Sheridan ..................... Helen Seinfeld  rc: Barney Martin .................. Morty Seinfeld  rc: Len Lesser ........................ Uncle Leo  rc: John O'Hurley ................... J. Peterman   ==================================================================   [Elaine in a doctor's office.]   ELAINE: Mr. Peterman sent me over here for a physical because as you may or may not know, he and I are going on a trip to Kenya. Africa. My first such mission for the company. The Massai bushmen wear these great sandals and we're gonna knock them off. Not the Massai, the sandals.   DOCTOR: I'll need a urine sample.   ELAINE: Right.       [George, Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.]   GEORGE: You know how hot it gets there? Like 150 degrees. Your skin is gonna be simmering with boils.   ELAINE: Oh, Come on.   JERRY: Hey George, you coming to the Tonight Show on Thursday?   GEORGE: Hey, yeah. My parents want to come too, is that ok?   JERRY: Yeah, sure. My parents will be there.   ELAINE: The Tonight Show?   JERRY: Yeah, they're in town this week, you wanna go?   ELAINE: Are you doing new material?   JERRY: No.   ELAINE: I don't think so.   (Kramer enters.)   KRAMER: Hey. Super's in my bathroom changing my shower head. Have they changed your shower head?   JERRY: No, he's doing mine next. They're low flow you know.   KRAMER: Low flow? Well I don't like the sound of that.   (Kramer exits.)   ELAINE: So what are your parents doing here in new York?   JERRY: Well, they were humiliated. I mean after the impeachment, my father left office in disgrace.   ELAINE: So what are their plans?   JERRY: Well, this is the problem. They're moving into this new development. Here's the pamphlet. Del Boca Vista. But they're not quite ready to go back so they're in seclusion here for a while at Uncle Leo's.   ELAINE: You mean the three of them in that tiny apartment?   JERRY: No, Leo's not there. He's got a girlfriend, Lydia. In fact, he moved in with her.   GEORGE: Uncle Leo's having regular sex?   JERRY: Yeah, I know. It devalues the whole thing.   JERRY: (answering phone) Hello?   MORTY: Jerry, what time do we have to be at the the Tonight Show on Thursday.   JERRY: You gotta be there at 4:30.   MORTY: But it comes on 11:30.   JERRY: Yeah, well they tape it in the afternoon and then they air it at 11:30.   MORTY: How long they been doing this?   JERRY: 30 years.   MORTY: Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon?   JERRY: All right, I'll see you later.   ELAINE: Georgie, how come your parents never moved to Florida?   GEORGE: Yeah, that is odd, isn't it?   JERRY: Yeah, it is.   GEORGE: I mean, they're retired.   JERRY: No economic reason for them to be here.   GEORGE: They have no friends.   JERRY: No social reason for them to be here.   ELAINE: You're all grown up.   GEORGE: Yeah, they're all through ruining my life. What the hell are they still doing here? Lemme see this pamphlet. Hm. All right, so I'll, uh, get back to you.   (George exits with the Del Boca Vista pamphlet.)   JERRY (answering phone again) Hello?   HELEN: Where can I buy some ice? Your father likes a lot of ice.   JERRY: I don't know, maybe get an ice tray?   HELEN: I can do that.   JERRY: You know Dad just called me.   HELEN: Yeah, I know. His phlebitis is acting up.   JERRY: Yeah, all right, well I got some people here.   HELEN: Ok.   JERRY: All right, bye. (to Elaine): You see this? Any thought pops into their head they're calling me because it's a local call now.   ELAINE: Ahh.   JERRY: I'm used to a 1200 mile buffer zone. I can't handle this. Plus I got the dinners, I got the pop ins. They pop in! It's brutal!   ELAINE: They have no idea when they're going back to Florida?   JERRY: The only way out of this is if Leo breaks up with his girlfriend and has to move back into the apartment and then they would have to go back to Florida.   ELAINE: How's that gonna happen?       [Jerry and Uncle Leo at Monk's coffee shop.]   UNCLE LEO: It's about time you called your uncle. We've got to do this once a week.   JERRY: (to himself) Once a week? (to Uncle Leo) So how's Lydia?   UNCLE LEO: Ah, she's a real tiger.   JERRY: I don't know how you do it.   UNCLE LEO: What?   JERRY: A man like you, limiting yourself to one woman, I don't know. But it's none of my business.   UNCLE LEO: What are you talking about?   JERRY: Well...   UNCLE LEO: Look at this, I told them medium rare, it's medium.   JERRY: Hey, it happens.   UNCLE LEO: I bet that cook is an anti-Semite.   JERRY: He has no idea who you are.   UNCLE LEO: They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry.   JERRY: All right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goerbbles made your hamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years younger. C'mon Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last time you looked in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, lovely skin, you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging. If I were you I'd tell this Lydia character, "It's been real," move back into that bachelor pad and put out a sign; Open for business.   UNCLE LEO: Believe me, I thought about it. But she is so perfect in every way, I can't see a flaw.   JERRY: Well, keep looking.     [Elaine and Mr. Peterman at work.]   PETERMAN: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. It appears you will not be accompanying me to Africa.   ELAINE: What? Why not?   PETERMAN: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You tested positive for opium.   ELAINE: Opium?   PETERMAN: That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.   ELAINE: Ihat's impossible, I've never done a drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz must have made a mistake.   PETERMAN: Not a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have to find someone else to accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for an addict, Elaine.   ELAINE: Obviously, Mr. Peterman, there's something wrong with this test. I don't take opium. Let me take another one, please? I'll call the doctor right now, I'll take a pop urine test.   PETERMAN: All right, Elaine.   ELAINE: Oh, thank you Mr. Peterman. (Drinks a glass of water) I'll be ready in three minutes.     [George and his parents at their home in Queens.]   GEORGE: Whew! Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh, these New York winters, huh. Bitter cold, bitter.   FRANK: I was out for five minutes before, I couldn't feel my extremities.   ESTELLE: What extremities?   GEORGE: You know what the temperature in Florida is today? Eh? Seventy-nine. That's almost eighty. Yeah, I read someplace the life expectancy in Florida is eighty-one and in Queens, seventy-three.   ESTELLE: So George, why are you here?   GEORGE: What, I can't stop by and visit my parents? (Drops pamphlet on coffee table)   ESTELLE: What's this.   GEORGE: That's where the Seinfeld's are moving. They got a great deal. Yep. You know what they got in Florida? Jai-Alai! You bet on the games, you clean up.   ESTELLE: I don't bet.   GEORGE: What about the dolphins? You could swim with the dolphins down there.   ESTELLE: I don't swim.   GEORGE: You could pet them. They come right out of the water onto the sidewalks.   ESTELLE: Are you trying to get rid of us?   GEORGE: Rid? Nah, c'mon, the word is 'care'. Care. I care about your comfort, be it here in Queens or twelve-hundred miles away.       [Elaine, back in the doctor's office. The doctor is consulting a chart and shaking his head no.]   ELAINE: No?   (The doctor hands Elaine the chart, she looks at it in astonishment.)       [Jerry's apartment. Kramer walks in, his trademark 'high hair' is flat.]   KRAMER: Jerry? Jerry!   (Jerry walks in from the back room, his hair is also flat.)   KRAMER: Wha, you too?   JERRY: Yeah!   KRAMER: These showers are horrible. There's no pressure, I can't get the shampoo out of my hair.   JERRY: Me either.   KRAMER: If I don't have a good shower I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.   JERRY: You? What about me? I got the Tonight Show tonight. I'm gonna have to shower in the dressing room.   KRAMER: (leaving) Aw.   JERRY: Where are you going?   KRAMER: I gotta find another shower.       [Hallway outside Newman's apartment. Kramer knocks on Newman's door. Newman answers, with flat hair.]   KRAMER: They got you too?   NEWMAN: This stuff is awful! I'm not Newman!   (Kramer backs away then runs down the hall.)       [Elaine's office, Kramer rushes in.]   KRAMER: Oh, Elaine. Yeah.   ELAINE: Kramer, you look terrible.   KRAMER: Look, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a shower.   ELAINE: What's wrong with your shower?   KRAMER: There's no water pressure.   ELAINE: Why don't you just go see Jerry?   (Just as Kramer is about to answer, Mr. Peterman walks past Elaine's open office door and pauses.)   KRAMER: Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.   PETERMAN: (busting in) Not on my watch! (Grabs Kramer by the collar) I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else!   (Throws Kramer out and slams the door closed)   ELAINE: Mr Peterman! What are you doing?   PETERMAN: Elaine, you're out of control. You need help.   ELAINE: Huh?   PETERMAN: I know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown, all of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste," he said. That was all it took.   ELAINE: Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.   PETERMAN: Oh, Elaine. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have til' 5:00 to clear out your desk. You're fired.       [Jerry's dressing room at NBC. Jerry and his parents are there.]   HELEN: All they serve is chicken?   JERRY: There's more food down the hall.   MORTY: Wrap it up, we'll take it home.   (George walks in with his parents.)   JERRY: Oh, hi.   ESTELLE: Hello Seinfelds.   MORTY: Hello.   HELEN: Hi.   FRANK: This is your dressing room? They treat you like Toscanini.   ESTELLE: Oh, Jerry. I don't know how you could do this. I'm so nervous for you.   JERRY: Actually, I'm drunk.   GEORGE: Hey, hey, how was Florida?   MORTY: Well, we just bought a new place down there.   ESTELLE: I know, we were looking at the brochure.   MORTY: What?   HELEN: Why, you thinking of moving?   FRANK: Not really.   MORTY: Because if you are, you shouldn't. There's nothing available in that development.   FRANK: Are you telling me there's not one condo available in all of Del Boca Vista?   MORTY: That's right. They went like hotcakes.   FRANK: How'd you get yours?   MORTY: Got lucky.   FRANK: Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?!   JERRY: I know this doesn't seem like work to any of you, if you could perhaps conduct your psychopath convention down the hall, I could just get a little personal space.     [Monk's coffee shop, Elaine is at the counter eating a muffin and talking with a waitress.]   ELAINE: How could I have tested positive twice? Once I could understand, that's a mistake. But twice?   WAITRESS: Yeah, it's hard to figure.   ELAINE: I mean I lost my job, I can't go to Africa. I was gonna meet the bush-men of the Kalahari.   WAITRESS: Ah, the bush-men?   ELAINE: And the bush-women.   MAN: (also seated at the counter) Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing. I notice you're eating a poppy seed muffin.   ELAINE: Yeah, I eat these muffins all the time.   MAN: Well, you know what opium is made from...   ELAINE: (as though receiving a revelation) Poppies!       [Jerry is on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.]   JAY LENO: Welcome back. Talking with Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, lemme ask you, I saw some people back there, they look like.. family? Is that family?   JERRY: Yeah, I got some family backstage. Course my family's nuts; they're crazy. Yep. My uncle Leo, (quick take of Uncle Leo in bet with Lydia, watching Jerry on TV. Lydia is laughing, Leo is not) I had lunch with him the other day, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, he blames it on anti-Semitism. You know what I mean, the spaghetti's not al dente? Cook's an anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic. Doesn't get a good seat at the temple. Rabbi? Anti-Semite.     [Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone.]   JERRY: Hey, listen to this, Uncle Leo broke up with his girlfriend because of the bit I did. She thought it was funny, so he accused *her* of being an anti-Semite. They had a huge fight and now he's moving back into his apartment. You know what this means, my parents are gonna go back to Florida... What? What number is this? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.   (Kramer walks in wearing a bathrobe, his hair is still flat.)   JERRY: Hey Kramer, my parents are gonna have to move back to Florida, isn't that great?   KRAMER: (halfheartedly) Yeah, well I'm really happy for ya.   JERRY: Hey, you're not giving it to me, man. What's wrong?   KRAMER: I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath?   JERRY: No good?   KRAMER: It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.   JERRY: Well, you used to sit in that hot tub?   KRAMER: Jerry, that was superheated water, nothing could live in that.   JERRY: (offering a plate) Chicken?   KRAMER: Oh, yeah.   (Elaine enters.)   ELAINE: Well, this you're not gonna believe. I found out why I was testing positive for opium. Poppy seeds!   JERRY: Poppy seeds!   KRAMER: Well, that makes sense. (Offers plate to Elaine) Want some chicken?   ELAINE: Yeah. Thanks. So, I'm gonna get tested again later, hopefully I'll get my job back and I will be on my way to Africa.   (There's a knock at the door, Jerry answers it, it's Newman.)   JERRY: Hello Newman.   NEWMAN: Hello Jerry. Well, I may have a solution to our little problem. Elaine, would you excuse us?   ELAINE: Oh c'mon, Newman.   NEWMAN: I have a private matter to discuss with my fellow tenants. (Opens door) If you don't mind?   ELAINE: Jerry?   NEWMAN: Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! (Pushes Elaine out the door and closes it) All right, now here's the lowdown. From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what I hear the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.   JERRY: Not from the footage I've seen.   NEWMAN: Nevertheless, sometime this afternoon, behind the Market Diner, an unmarked van will be waiting. I'm expecting the call at any time. Are you in?   KRAMER: I'm down.   NEWMAN: Jerry?   (Jerry nods reluctantly.)       [Frank and Estelle's house.]   ESTELLE: So, Georgie, we have some big news for you.   GEORGE: Big news?   ESTELLE: We're moving to Florida.   GEORGE: (ecstatic) What? You're moving to Florida!?! That's wonderful! I'm so happy! (pause) For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do you need this cold weather for?   FRANK: Has nothing to do with the weather, it's because of the Seinfelds.   GEORGE: What do you mean?   FRANK: They don't want us there, so we're going. We're moving right into Del Boca Vista!   GEORGE: So you're moving there for spite!   FRANK: Absolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza what to do!   GEORGE: That's right, who the hell are they? How dare they?!   ESTELLE: So, Georgie, are you gonna come to visit us?   GEORGE: Oh, every chance I get.   ESTELLE: (warmly) Ohhh.       [George busts into Jerry's apartment.]   GEORGE: Jerry? Jerry! I'm busting! I'm busting!   JERRY: What's going on?   GEORGE: My parents are moving to Florida!   JERRY: Are you kidding?   GEORGE: Can you believe it? It's happening! It's finally happening! I'm free!!   JERRY: Where are they moving to?   GEORGE: Del Boca Vista!   JERRY: Del Boca Vista, that's where my parents are gonna live!   GEORGE: I know!   JERRY: We could visit together!   GEORGE: Every five years!   (They 'high five' each other.)   JERRY: That's incredible!   GEORGE: I know, I know and you know *why* they're moving there?   JERRY: Why?   GEORGE: To spite your parents!   JERRY: To spite my parents?   GEORGE: Yeah!   JERRY: Your parents are crazy!   GEORGE: I know, they're out of their minds! It's fantastic!   JERRY: My parents are moving back too!   GEORGE: Beautiful!       [Helen and Morty, packing up in Uncle Leo's apartment.]   MORTY: I'm sorry Leo's moving back here. I'm not ready to go back to Florida.   HELEN: He was getting along so well with that woman, what happened?   (Morty shrugs, the phone rings, Morty answers.)   MORTY: Hello?   VOICE: This is Frank Costanza.   MORTY: What do you want?   FRANK: You think you could keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you to keep me out!   (Frank hangs up, Morty hangs up.)   MORTY: I'm sorry, we can't go back to Florida.       [Jerry's apartment, Jerry and George are toasting their good fortune.]   GEORGE: I can't believe I didn't push for this sooner.   JERRY: You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy and self confidence than you ever dreamed of.   (The phone rings, Jerry answers.)   JERRY: Hello.   MORTY: Hello, Jerry? It's your father.   JERRY: Oh, hi dad.   MORTY: Listen, is it all right if we move in with you for a little while? Sounds of breaking glass, Jerry dropped his bottle.   MORTY: What was that?   JERRY: Nothing. A bottle broke. That's all. What do you mean, you're gonna move in here?   MORTY: Because the Costanzas are moving into Del Boca Vista.   JERRY: But it's a big complex.   MORTY: You don't understand, you gotta have a buffer zone.   JERRY: All right, fine. Come over here. (Hangs up phone)   GEORGE: What?   JERRY: They're not going back to Florida. They're moving here.   GEORGE: What? Why?   JERRY: Because your parents are going down there. My buffer zone just went from twelve hundred miles down to two feet! You gotta do something.   GEORGE: Hey, I'm sorry, you had your buffer zone for many years. It's my turn to live, baby.   JERRY: You know what you're doing, don't you? You're killing Independent Jerry! I gotta go see my Uncle Leo. I think he may have made a big mistake.       [Monk's coffee shop, Jerry and Uncle Leo are sharing a booth.]   UNCLE LEO: Move back with Lydia?   JERRY: C'mon, you're lucky to have anybody.   UNCLE LEO: Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swinging.   JERRY: Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.   UNCLE LEO: But she's an anti-Semite.   JERRY: Can you blame her?       [Helen and Morty are unpacking in Jerry's apartment.]   HELEN: You don't think he minds us staying here, do you?   MORTY: Why would he mind? We're his parents.   (Elaine walks in picking her teeth, she didn't expect to see Jerry's parents.)   ELAINE: Oh.   HELEN: Hi Elaine.   ELAINE: Hello. Jerry's not here?   HELEN: No.   ELAINE: Huh. (pause) Oh my god.   HELEN: What?   ELAINE: A poppy seed! It must have been in the chicken. Oh, I'm dead. I'm going to the doctor's in a half an hour.   HELEN: Why?   ELAINE: It's a long story.   HELEN: Just a second, I have to go to the bathroom.   ELAINE: What are you gonna do in there?   HELEN: What am I gonna do in the bathroom?   ELAINE: You gotta do me a favor.   HELEN: Elaine, I really--   ELAINE: Hold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need your sample.   HELEN: You want my urine?   ELAINE: I need a clean urine sample from a woman.   HELEN: I don't know.   ELAINE: Oh please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please?   HELEN: Well, what am I gonna do it in?   ELAINE: Well, one of those glasses.   HELEN: Jerry's glasses?   ELAINE: Yeah, he won't mind. C'mon, you're his mom.   HELEN: Oh, I could uh-- Should I use a coffee cup?   ELAINE: Yeah, a coffee cup's fine.   HELEN: Or maybe a juice glass.   ELAINE: Yes, fine, fine, a juice glass is perfect.   HELEN: This one is kind of scratched.   ELAINE: It doesn't matter.   HELEN: Howbout A milk glass.   ELAINE: A milk glass, a juice glass, any glass, just pick a glass.   HELEN: Jerry doesn't wash these very well.   ELAINE: Mrs. Seinfeld, pick a glass! Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld!       [Kramer, Newman and a 'salesman' are at the back of a van in an alley.]   SALESMAN: All right, I got everything here. I got the Cyclone F series, Hydra Jet Flow, Stockholm Superstream, you name it.   JERRY: What do you recommend?   SALESMAN: What are you looking for?   KRAMER: Power, man. Power.   NEWMAN: Like Silkwood.   KRAMER: That's for radiation.   NEWMAN: That's right.   KRAMER: (pointing to the largest one) Now, what is this?   SALESMAN: That's the Commando 450, I don't sell that one. What about thi-   KRAMER: Well that's what we want, the Commando 450.   SALESMAN: Nah, believe me. It's only used in the circus. For elephants.   NEWMAN: We'll pay anything. We've got the (hands a wad of money to Kramer) What about Jerry?   KRAMER: He couldn't handle that, he's delicate.       [Helen and Morty are unpacking in Uncle Leo's apartment.]   HELEN: It's nice being back at Leo's Jerry's place was too small.   MORTY: First Leo breaks up, then he goes back. What the hell's going on?   (There's a knock at the door.)   MORTY: Who is it?   SUPER: It's the super. We're installing new low-flow showerheads in all the bathrooms.   MORTY: Low flow? I don't like the sound of that.       [Mr. Peterman, in his office, on the telephone.]   PETERMAN: So as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you.   ELAINE: Oh! Yes! What a load off. So when are we going to Africa?   PETERMAN: I'm afraid I can't take you.   ELAINE: What? Why not?   PETERMAN: Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal. you have the metabolism of a sixty-eight year old woman.   ELAINE: But I wanted to see the bushmen.   PETERMAN: Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis.       [Jerry is seeing his parents off as the cab driver loads their bags. They have flat hair.]   JERRY: Well, it's been a great visit.   MORTY: Jerry, I'll tell ya. The first thing I'm gonna do when I get back to Florida is take a shower.   JERRY: Well, at least the Costanzas changed their mind and decided not to move. They couldn't bear being away from George.   HELEN: George must be happy about that.   JERRY: You have no idea.       [George's parents' house, George is sitting on the couch between Frank and Estelle, he's obviously disappointed.]   FRANK: Take my swim trunks. I won't need them.   ESTELLE: What does he want with your swim trunks?   FRANK: Why should they go to waste?!?       [Kramer, in the shower]   (He's got the Commando 450 shower head hooked up. He turns it on, the water shoots out full blast and knocks him backwards. He grabs the shower curtain for support and tries to reach forward to turn the faucet off, but the force of the water is too great, he only succeeds in knocking over a few shampoo bottles. Kramer is eventually pushed back enough by the water to become entangled in the shower curtain until he eventually falls out of the shower, and out of camera range.)    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 91 - The Couch  pc: 605, season 6, episode 5  Broadcast date: October 27, 1994   Written by Larry David  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Reni Santoni   ....................... Poppie  David James Elliott .............. Carl  Robert Hooks ...................... Joe Temple  Denise Dowse ..................... Mother  Patton Oswalt ..................... Clerk  Diana Theodore .................. Remy  Jessica Hecht ....................... Marie  Mari Weiss .......................... Woman #1  Tamar Cooper ..................... Woman #2  Beverly C. Brown ................ Woman #3  Jeris Lee Poindexter ............. Man      ==================================================================   [Opening Monologue]   The love seat, that's a nice little item, there...I guess some guy thought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why not just shorten the furniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy. This is very flattering to the prospective customer, isn't it? Why don't we just call it the 'half-conscious deadbeat with no job, home all day, eating Cheetos and watching TV' recliner? I mean, it goes back so far, that thing...I mean, it's like, 'Go to bed already! It's over! You're wiped!'     [Opening scene - Jerry and George in a furniture store. Jerry is shopping for a new couch.]   JERRY: So, she got you to join a book club?   GEORGE: I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter than you pretty soon.   JERRY: Well, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence. (Sits on a couch.) Hey, what about this one?   GEORGE: Nah, I don't like that one.   JERRY: So, what's your first book?   GEORGE: "Breakfast At Tiffany's." 90 pages. (Waves a hand like it's nothing.)   JERRY: It's kinda old, isn't it?   GEORGE: They wanted to read a Truman Capote book.   JERRY (standing): Oh, sure...Truman Capote.   GEORGE: He's a great writer.   JERRY: Oh, yeah.   GEORGE: Did you ever read anything by him?   JERRY: No. You?   GEORGE: Nah.   JERRY (sees a white couch by the wall): Oh, what about this one? Look at this, this is it! This is what I'm looking for. (Sits on the couch.) Oh, yeah!     [New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment. The moving guys are delivering Jerry's new couch.]   ELAINE: Hey, what's going on?   JERRY: New couch, baby!   ELAINE: New couch? Why?   JERRY: I love this couch. You know what the best part about it is? It doesn't fold out, so no one can sleep over.   (Elaine laughs. Carl and another furniture mover come in, and they pick up Jerry's old couch.)   ELAINE (to Carl, flirtatiously): Hello.   CARL: Hello.   ELAINE: Oh, let me get the door for you. (They carry the couch out the door.) Ooh, be careful!   JERRY: Wait till you see it, it's perfect. The guy told me it's one of a kind, they stopped making it.   ELAINE: What are you doing with your old couch?   JERRY: Nothing, the moving guys are taking it. Why, you want it?   ELAINE: Yeah, I'll take it.   JERRY: Well, I'm sure that they can deliver it to your apartment.   ELAINE: Yes, they can. (Kramer enters.)   KRAMER: Hey! Couch is comin.'   JERRY: It's here!   KRAMER: Alright! Yeah. You know, I'm excited about this, Jerry. In a way, I feel like I'm getting a new couch.   JERRY (nonplussed): Yeah. So do I.   KRAMER: Ooh! Remember Poppie?   JERRY: Oh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant?   KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going into business together. Remember that idea I had a few years ago about the pizza place where you make your own pizza?   JERRY: Yeah.   ELAINE: What was that again?   KRAMER: It's a pizza place where you make your own pie! We give you the dough, the sauce, the cheese...you pound it, slap it, you flip it up into the air...you put your toppings on and you slide it into the oven! Sounds good, huh?   ELAINE (in a southern accent): Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella and make mah own pie!   JERRY: What made you resurrect that old idea?   KRAMER: Well, I happened to be eating at Poppie's when I told him the "old" idea, and his eyes - waaaaaah! - just lit up. You know, he wants to back it.   ELAINE: I heard Poppie's was good, let's go.   JERRY: I'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted by the Board of Health?   KRAMER: That was in the past, Jerry. As it happens, New York Magazine just judged his kitchen to be one of the cleanest in the city. They got a duck there, you think you died and went to heaven.   ELAINE: Ooh! I love duck. C'mon, c'mon!   KRAMER: Yeah, but you gotta order it two days in advance. (To Jerry) You know, I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna order the duck for you.   JERRY: Oh, Kramer, I -   (Kramer turns around and runs smack into Jerry's new couch being brought in by Carl and the other moving guy, and hits the floor. They place the couch in the same spot as the old one.)   JERRY: Right there, guys. That's perfect. Ah? Whatta ya think, Lainie?   ELAINE: Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it.   JERRY: Oh no, I don't want anyone sitting on it.   CARL (hands Jerry an invoice): Sign here.   ELAINE (to Carl): Excuse me, I was wondering if would it be possible if you could deliver the old couch to my apartment? It's not very far.   CARL: Sure.   ELAINE: 'Kay. You, uh...you got room in the truck for me?   CARL: Yeah, I think we can squeeze you in.   ELAINE: Oh, goody. Okay, well uh...(to Jerry and Kramer)...I'll see you chumps later. (Elaine and Carl exit.)   KRAMER: Did you offer those guys a drink?   JERRY: Uh, no. Should I have?   KRAMER: What kind of a person are you?   JERRY: I don't know.     [New scene - George at home, preparing to read "Breakfast At Tiffany's."]   GEORGE: Okay. "Breakfast At Tiffany's." (Begins to read, but gradually his attention is drawn to the TV Guide on the end table. George realizes there's a show on he wants to see by looking at his watch, and doesn't start the book.)     [New scene - Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's Restaurant.]   ELAINE: So, he puts the couch down, and just as he's about to leave he says, "Do you date moving men?"   JERRY: Ah ha...   ELAINE: You wanna know what I said?   JERRY: I can't wait.   ELAINE: "I do now."   JERRY: Clever.   ELAINE: Is that something?   JERRY: Yes.   ELAINE: Is that something?   JERRY: You're something. So anyway, when they were in my house before, I didn't offer them anything to drink.   ELAINE: Well, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty.   JERRY: So, anyone sweaty comes into your house has to be offered a drink?   ELAINE: Yes.   JERRY: Well, would you apologize for me? (Elaine nods. Poppie comes out of the kitchen.)   POPPIE: Hello! Jerry, so good to see you again! (Puts his hand out.)   JERRY (clearly creeped out by having to shake Poppie's hand): Hello, Poppie. This is Elaine.   ELAINE: Nice to meet you, Poppie.   POPPIE: Let me show you to your table. (Leads Jerry and Elaine to the table.) Your duck is cooking as we speak. It is so succulent...so succulent!   JERRY: Well, Kramer told us all about your business venture together.   POPPIE: Your friend and I are going to make a lot of money. Of course, I already have a lot of money. Poppie does very well...very well.   ELAINE: Well, your mother must be very proud of you.   POPPIE: My mother...was taken from my house by the Communists in the middle of the night when I was ten years old. She was sent to a slave labor camp, where she labored for twelve years. Finally, they released her and she was on a boat to America to re-unite with us...but she was served some bad fish, and she died...on the high seas.   JERRY: So, what's good tonight?     [Cut back to George at home. His television program finishes, and he turns off the TV. He stretches, then goes back to reading - not "Breakfast At Tiffany's" however, but an issue of Cracked magazine.]     [Cut back to Jerry and Elaine at Poppie's.]   ELAINE: Boy, I'm really looking forward to this duck. I've never had food ordered in advance before.   JERRY: Ah, I could've stayed home and ordered a pizza from Paccino's.   ELAINE: Paccino's? Oh no. You should never order pizza from Paccino's.   JERRY: Why not?   ELAINE: Because, the owner contributes a lot of money to those fanatical, anti-abortion groups.   JERRY: So, you won't eat the pizza?   ELAINE: No way.   JERRY: Really.   ELAINE: Yeah.   JERRY: Well, what if Poppie felt the same way?   ELAINE: Well, I guess I wouldn't eat here, then.   JERRY: Really!   ELAINE: Yeah. That's right.   JERRY: Well, perhaps we should inquire. Poppie! Oh, Poppie. Could I have a word? (Poppie comes over.)   POPPIE: Yes, Jerry. I just checked your duck...it is more succulent than even I had hoped.   JERRY: Poppie, I was just curious...where do you stand on the abortion issue?   POPPIE: When my mother was abducted by the Communists, she was with child...   JERRY: Oh, boy.   POPPIE: ...but the Communists, they put an end to that! So, on this issue there is no debate! And no intelligent person can think differently.   ELAINE (offended): Well...Poppie. I think differently.   POPPIE: And what gives you the right to do that?   ELAINE (standing up): The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that! Let's go Jerry, c'mon.   WOMAN AT NEXT TABLE (to her date): I heard that. Let's go, Henry.   HENRY: But we just got here...   WOMAN AT ANOTHER TABLE: I'm with you, Poppie!   WOMAN AT YET ANOTHER TABLE (to her date): Let's go!   ELAINE (to Poppie): And I am not coming back!   POPPIE: You're not welcome!   JERRY: Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up. (Gets up and leaves.)     [New scene - Jerry and George in a booth at the coffee shop.]   JERRY: Well, you should have seen it. It was quite a scene over there.   GEORGE: I'm sorry I missed it.   JERRY: Oh, you really missed something. And I have to say...it was pretty much all my fault. (Jerry smiles. George laughs.) So, how's the book coming? (George's laughs taper off...) I say, how's the book comin'?   GEORGE: Oh...pretty good.   JERRY: So, what's it about?   GEORGE: Well, it's about Holly Go-Lightly.   JERRY: Holly Go-Lightly.   GEORGE: Yeah, she's quite a character.   JERRY: Yes, you haven't read a page, have you?   GEORGE: No.   JERRY: Big surprise.   GEORGE: I couldn't. You know, if it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.   JERRY: You're not very bright, are you?   GEORGE: No, I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not. What am I gonna do? The book club meets in a few days.   JERRY: Why don't you rent the movie?   GEORGE: 'Why don't I rent the movie.' See, this is when I like you. Alright, now I'm relieved. (Kramer enters and comes over to the booth.)   KRAMER (scanning a menu): So...how was the dinner last night?   JERRY: Oh...well...   KRAMER: Did you enjoy the duck? (Elaine comes back from the bathroom.) Oh, Elaine! I was just asking how dinner went last night.   ELAINE (sitting down): Oh...well...   KRAMER: Alright, what did you do to Poppie?   ELAINE: Nothing.   KRAMER: Well, he's in the hospital. And the cook says you put him there.   ELAINE: What's wrong with him?   KRAMER: I don't know! I'm gonna go and visit him later. (angrily) It would be nice if you got him something. (Punches the the table to accentuate this, and leaves.)   JERRY: We should get him something.   ELAINE: Yeah. You're right.     [New scene - Elaine and Carl sitting in carl's moving van after a date.]   ELAINE: Do you know that I have been using the same bottle of shampoo for a year? And I shampoo every day. (Carl smiles.) So, what do you think of my conversation?   CARL: Not much! (They both laugh.) I, uh, would have invited you up, but I don't have any furniture.   ELAINE: You don't have any furniture?   CARL: No, I hate furniture. I can't look at it. (They laugh again.)   ELAINE: Well, I can understand that. Pretty good date, huh?   CARL: Yeah! No heavy lifting. (Elaine and Carl look into each others eyes, then kiss.)     [New scene - Kramer visiting Poppie at the hospital. There sitting on a bench outside.]   KRAMER: Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt very badly about what happened to you, and they wanted you to have this.   POPPIE (opening the gift basket): What's this? A bottle of wine and a five-alarm chili? They're trying to kill Poppie?!   KRAMER: Why, what...?   POPPIE: Don't they know I have a gastro-intestinal disorder? If I would have any of this, I would die. Then Poppie's no good to anyone! This is a sick, sick joke on Poppie. How could you be friends with those two?   KRAMER: Well, we're not very close.   POPPIE: They owe me for those ducks. They were flown in from Newfoundland.   KRAMER: Oh, they got good ducks there, huh?   POPPIE: Oh, very good ducks.     [New scene - Elaine shows up at Jerry's apartment. Jerry opens the door.]   ELAINE: I'm in looove!   JERRY: Whoa!   ELAINE: This is it, Jerry! This is it! He is such an incredible person! He's real, he's honest, he's unpretentious...oh, I'm really lucky!   JERRY: Did you tell him I was sorry I didn't offer him the drink?   ELAINE: No, I forgot. And, the best part is, he doesn't play games. You know? There are no games! (Sits down on the couch.)   JERRY: No games? What is the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?   ELAINE (putting on lipstick): Well, all I know is, he doesn't like games and he doesn't play games, you know? He has too much character and integrity.   JERRY: Ah ha. And what is his stand on abortion?   ELAINE (looks at Jerry and smears lipstick across her face): What?   JERRY: What is his stand...on abortion?   ELAINE: Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.   JERRY: How do you know?   ELAINE: Because he, well...he's just so good-looking.   JERRY: Well, you should probably ask, because if he's gonna be coming over with those Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble.     [New scene - George at a video store counter.]   GEORGE: I'd like to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's.   CLERK (checking the computer): Uh, this is out. Someone has it.   GEORGE: Out? Oh no, I've been to four other places, you're the only ones that have had it.   CLERK: Well, I could put it on reserve for you, if you'd like.   GEORGE: Maybe we could call them and ask them to return it.   CLERK: Oh, sorry. We can't do that.   GEORGE: Well, maybe they're done with it. I could go pick it up.   CLERK: I don't think so. It doesn't work that way.   (The clerk goes to help another customer, and leaves George unattended. George waits until the clerk's back is turned, then has a good look at the information on his computer monitor.)     [New scene - George at the address of the people who have rented Breakfast At Tiffany's. He's buzzed their apartment on the intercom.]   VOICE ON INTERCOM: Yes?   GEORGE: Uh, excuse me, are you Joe Temple?   INTERCOM: Yes.   GEORGE: Uh, yes, uh...you don't know me, my name is George Costanza...did you happen to rent Breakfast At Tiffany's?     [New scene - Jerry laying on his new couch. Kramer enters.]   KRAMER: Hey.   JERRY: Hey, what's happenin.'   KRAMER: Well, you know, Poppie's over at my place. Tonight's the big night. I'm gonna make the first test pizza at the restaurant.   JERRY: You got a regular 'Manhattan Project' going on over there.   KRAMER: Yeah. Anyway, he's about to leave, he wants the duck money. (Poppie enters.)   JERRY: Okay. Hi, Poppie.   POPPIE: Hello.   JERRY: I'm sorry about the gift, I didn't know about your condition.   POPPIE: That's fine. If you just give me my duck money, I'll be on my way.   JERRY: Okay. I'll get it. (Goes into the bedroom.)   KRAMER: Why don't you sit down, Poppie? You're still recuperating. (Poppie moves to the sofa and sits down, and exhales a loud sigh of relief.) What, are you tired, Poppie?   POPPIE: No.   KRAMER: Hey, Poppie...you really think people wanna make their own pizza?   POPPIE: Kramer, did I ever tell you about my mother? My mother -   JERRY (comes out of the bedroom with Poppie's money): Here you go. (Poppie stands up and takes the money.) Anyway, I'm sorry again about the...(notices a large, wet stain on his couch)...the...the...   POPPIE: The what? (Looks at Kramer, and exits.)   JERRY: ...the...the...   KRAMER (to Poppie): So long. I'll see you tonight.   JERRY (frantic): Kramer, Kramer, what is this?!   KRAMER: What is what?   JERRY: This puddle on my sofa!   KRAMER: What puddle?   JERRY (points): That puddle! (Kramer sees the puddle and does a double-take.)   KRAMER: I don't know.   JERRY (looking at the puddle with Kramer): Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? IT IS! (Grabs Kramer.) Poppie peed on my sofa!!   KRAMER: Are you sure?   JERRY: Well, what is it then?! My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!   KRAMER: I'm sure it'll come out.   JERRY: I don't care if it comes out, I can't sit on that anymore!   KRAMER: Ah, you're making too much of it.   JERRY (sarcastic): Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural human function...happens to be on my sofa, instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.   KRAMER: Right!     [New scene - George at Joe Temple's door.]   GEORGE: Well, anyway, the book club meets tomorrow, Mr. Temple.   JOE: Well, I was going to watch it with my daughter. She likes Audrey Hepburn very much.   GEORGE: She was a delicate flower.   JOE: Why didn't you just read the book?   GEORGE: Well, as I say, the pink-eye made my vision...quite blurry... (Joe's daughter comes to the door.)   JOE: Remy, this is George. Would you mind if he watched Breakfast At Tiffany's with us? (George smiles at Remy. Remy looks at Joe doubtfully.)     [New scene - Elaine climbs into the cab of Carl's moving van.]   CARL: Hi.   ELAINE: Hi. (They kiss.)   CARL: I missed you.   ELAINE: Oh, I missed you!   CARL: I don't remember the last time I felt this way.   ELAINE: Me, either!   CARL: I think about you all the time.   ELAINE: You do?   CARL: Do you think about me?   ELAINE: Oh yeah, all the time, all the time...although, recently I've been thinking about this friend of mine.   CARL: What friend?   ELAINE: Oh, just this woman...she got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother, and decided to have an abortion. (Waits in suspense for what Carl's response will be.)   CARL: You know, someday...we're going to get enough people in the Supreme Court to change that law.   (Elaine breaks down in tears.)     [New scene - George sitting on Joe's couch, about to watch Breakfast At Tiffany's with Joe and Remy.]   GEORGE: So, anything to uh, nosh?   JOE: What did you want?   GEORGE: Popcorn?   REMY: Popcorn? Where do you think you are?   GEORGE: Well, a lot of people keep popcorn in the house.   REMY: Well, we don't.   GEORGE: You might want to try it...makes the movie more enjoyable, that's all.   JOE (passes George a bowl): Here's some nuts.   GEORGE: Oh! Nuts! Excellent! You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people. Hazel...and filbert.   REMY (to Joe): Can we watch the movie now, Daddy? (Joe presses play on the remote.)   GEORGE: Hey, let's turn off the lights, get some real 'movie atmosphere.'   JOE: The lights are fine. (George shrugs, and the movie begins.)     [New scene - Kramer and Poppie in the kitchen of the restaurant, making the first 'test pizza.']   KRAMER (in a chef's hat and apron): See, anybody can do this. (Tosses pizza dough into the air.)   POPPIE: Use your wrist! It's all in the wrist. (Kramer tosses the dough way up there.) Not too high!   KRAMER (puts the dough on the counter): Alright, put a little sauce on here... (speaks some unintelligible words in an Italian accent while spreading the sauce around.) Some cheese...   POPPIE: Not too much!   KRAMER: And...cucumbers! (Grabs a large handful and puts them on the pizza.)   POPPIE: Wait a second...what is that?   KRAMER: It's cucumbers.   POPPIE: No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a pizza.   KRAMER: Well, why not? I like cucumbers.   POPPIE: That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.   KRAMER: But that's the idea, you make your own pie.   POPPIE: Yes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping they want! Now on this issue there can be no debate!   KRAMER: What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie?   POPPIE: Because it's a pizza!   KRAMER: It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven!   POPPIE: It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough!   KRAMER: No, it isn't!   POPPIE: Yes, it is!     [Cut back to George, Joe and Remy watching the movie. Joe's wife enters.]   JOE'S WIFE: I'm home.   JOE: Hey, honey.   REMY: Hi, Mom.   JOE'S WIFE: Hi, baby. (To George.) Hello. Breakfast At Tiffany's?   JOE: Yeah.   JOE'S WIFE: Well, I just came back from Angela's, it's not looking very good for Duncan.   JOE: Aw, that's too bad.   JOE'S WIFE: Yeah, the doctor thinks it's just a matter of time -   GEORGE (clears his throat, annoyed that the movie's being interrupted): Joe...could you...   JOE'S WIFE: Poor guy, I hate to see him suffer like this...   GEORGE: You know, I'm sorry, I...I hate to be one of those people, but we're right in the middle of this thing...I can't hear.   JOE'S WIFE: Who are you?   JOE: This is George Costanza.   GEORGE (irritated): This is very hard to follow with all the talking.   JOE: I'll pause it, okay? (Pauses the tape with the remote.)   GEORGE: Any more grape juice? (Gets up and goes to the kitchen. Remy moves to the end of the couch where George was sitting.)   JOE'S WIFE: Who is this guy?   REMY: He's in some book club.   JOE'S WIFE: And what's he doing here?   REMY: Cheating on his test. (George returns from the kitchen with a glass of grape juice.)   GEORGE: So, we watching the movie, or are we still talking? (Joe's wife shakes her head and goes into the other room. George gestures to Remy to move.) Okay, c'mon. Let's go.   REMY: What?   GEORGE: C'mon, you took my seat.   REMY: It's not your seat.   GEORGE: I was sitting there, c'mon.   REMY: You didn't save it.   GEORGE: I had the arm! Joe...   JOE: What's the difference?   GEORGE: Well, I was very comfortable! I've got my nuts here...   REMY: It's my couch.   GEORGE: Alright, c'mon, scooch over. (Tries to squeeze into the corner seat of the couch and struggles with Remy. He spills his glass of grape juice all over the couch in the process.)   REMY: Look! Look what you did! You got grape juice all over our couch, you've ruined our couch! (Joe slowly walks toward George with his hands on his hips.)   GEORGE: Joe...     [New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day, looking at the "Poppie-stain" on Jerry's sofa.]   ELAINE: Oh my god.   JERRY: You see?!   ELAINE: So, you're gonna get a new couch?   JERRY: Well, I guess I have no choice.   ELAINE: Do you want your old couch back?   JERRY: I was hoping you'd offer. (The intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?   INTERCOM: It's the movers.   JERRY: 'Kay. (Buzzes them in.)   ELAINE: Who's that?   JERRY: Your boyfriend, he's taking it out.   ELAINE: No, no, he's not my boyfriend.   JERRY: Why?   ELAINE: Take a guess.   JERRY: Oh, really. (Carl and another moving guy come in and pick up the couch.)   ELAINE: Hi.   CARL: Hi.   JERRY: Hey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's and bring my old couch back.   CARL: Today?   JERRY: Could you?   CARL: Sure.   ELAINE (to Jerry): What are you doing with this couch?   JERRY: George is taking it.   ELAINE: Did you tell him it was peed on?   JERRY: He said he doesn't care, he'll just turn the cushion over.     [New scene - Elaine and Carl in Elaine's kitchen.]   CARL: I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.   ELAINE: Yeah, me too.   CARL: It's just too bad.   ELAINE: Yeah. It is.   CARL: Well, I better get this couch back to Jerry's.   ELAINE: Can I offer you anything to drink?   CARL (off-camera): Yeah, sure.   ELAINE (looking in the fridge): All I've got is grape juice.   CARL: Throw it!   (Elaine heaves the grape juice bottle over-hand at Carl, and we hear the sound of breaking glass.)   CARL: The couch!     [New scene - George sitting in with the book club around a back booth at Monk's.]   MARIE (describing Holly Go-Lightly in "Breakfast At Tiffany's"): She didn't want the constraints of any relationship, that's why she got rid of the cat. The most important thing in Holly's life was her independence.   GEORGE: Well, not really. After all, she did get together with George Peppard. I mean, Fred.   MARIE: George...Fred's gay.   (George ponders this quizzically.)    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 87 - The Chaperone  pc: 601, season 6, episode 1  Broadcast date: September 22, 1994   Written by Larry David, Bill Masters & Bob Shaw  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Kramer   Guest Stars:   Gail Strickland  .................... Landis  Marguerite MacIntyre ......... Karen (Miss Rhode Island)  Danny Tartabull  ................. Himself  Buck Showalter   ................. Himself  rc:  Ian Abercrombie ........... Mr. Pitt   ==================================================================   [Opening Monologue]   Baseball is so associated with sex. "He's playing the field," "Hoo, he scored," "oh, he didn't get to first base." "I struck out." "Why?" "She wanted a diamond." It's always about baseball. Always baseball. As far as baseball goes, I prefer the fat umpires...I feel if you're on the field and you're not in the game, you should be in the worst physical condition a human being could possibly be in. They should be allowed to eat during the game. We're a little too into sports in this country, I think we gotta throttle back. Know what I mean? People come home from these games, "We won! We won!" No, they won - you watched.     [Opening scene - A locker room at Yankee Stadium. George is helping Danny Tartabull with his swing.]   GEORGE: O.K., Danny, take a swing. (Tartabull swings the bat.) N-No! No! No! You're opening up your shoulder.   TARTABULL: Really?   GEORGE: No, not really. I'm just saying this to you because I like to hear myself talk. Yes, really!   TARTABULL (wiping sweat from his brow): Alright, alright.   GEORGE: What are all sweatin' for?   TARTABULL: It's hot in this uniform.   GEORGE: Hot? (Feels Tartabull's material.) What is this?   TARTBULL: What is what?   GEORGE: This uniform, what's it made from?   TARTBULL: I don't know, cotton?   GEORGE: No. This is not cotton. Here, lemme see. (Tries to look at the tag on the uniform. Tartabull gets creeped out and resists.) Will you stop it? (Looks at the tag.) Oh. Of course. Polyester!   TARTABULL: So?   GEORGE: I can't believe you're not playing in cotton.   TARTABULL: Well, this is what they give us.   GEORGE: You know they used to make leisure suits out of this fabric?   TARTABULL: You really think cotton's better?   GEORGE: Of course! Alright, maybe I'll say something to Buck.   TARTABULL: Yeah, good idea. Catch ya later. (Leaves.)   GEORGE: Hey, don't embarrass me today. I got some friends in the stands. (George makes a swinging motion with an imaginary bat and pulls something in his back.)     [New scene - Jerry and Elaine watching the ball game in the stands.   HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs here! Yankee franks!   ELAINE: Oh, you want one?   JERRY: Yeah.   ELAINE: I'll get it. (Reaches in her bag for money.)   JERRY: That's alright, I got it.   ELAINE: Jerry!   JERRY: Elaine, stop it.   ELAINE: Hey, just because I'm not working doesn't mean I haven't got any money. (To vendor) Yo! Dogs! Two!   JERRY: I'm sorry.   ANNOUNCER ON P.A. SYSTEM: Your attention please...the New York Yankees would like to welcome Miss Connecticut, Miss Rhode Island and Miss North Dakota, all of whom will be competing in the Miss America pageant this weekend in Atlantic City. (The three contestants make their way to their seats, right across the aisle from Jerry and Elaine.)   JERRY (to Elaine): Now, there's a career path you may have overlooked.   ELAINE: Ooh, I gotta check my machine. I'm waiting to hear about an interview. Doubleday is looking for somebody to replace Jackie Onassis.   JERRY: Oh, she worked at Doubleday...?   ELAINE: Yeah, she was an editor.   JERRY: Right, just like you.   ELAINE: Yeah. Can you hold my seat? (Elaine gets up.)   CROWD: Hey! Down in front! (Elaine clambers over Jerry and exits.)   JERRY (offers a hot dog to Miss Rhode Island): Hot dog?   MISS RHODE ISLAND: No, thanks. I'm watching my weight.   JERRY: Ah. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller. So you're Miss, uh...   MISS RHODE ISLAND: Rhode Island.   JERRY: I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed. (Miss Rhode Island laughs.)     [New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment later that day.]   GEORGE: Miss Rhode Island? When are you seeing her?   JERRY: Tonight. I have to call her, she's staying in a hotel.   GEORGE: You're incredible.   JERRY: And get this - I'm working in Atlantic City this weekend, and she's going to be down there for the pageant.   GEORGE: What if she becomes Miss America? You could be dating Miss America, Jerry!   JERRY: The only bad thing is, we have to go out with a chaperone.   GEORGE: Chaperone? What, are you kidding?   JERRY: No, it's part of the contest rules.   GEORGE: What does the chaperone do?   JERRY: I don't know, she just sits there.   GEORGE: Can she talk?   JERRY: I'm not sure if she's allowed to talk. (Picks up the phone and dials.)   GEORGE: You're calling her?   JERRY: Yeah. (sings) There she is...Miss - yes, room 417 please? Karen Hanson?   GEORGE: Hey, did you know that the Yankees don't wear cotton jerseys?   JERRY: Of course, they're polyester.   GEORGE: Well, what is that? That's a crime! Do you know how hot those things get? They should be wearing cotton.   JERRY: Why do they wear polyester?   GEORGE: I don't know. That's all gonna change.   JERRY: You're going to do something about it?   GEORGE: Why shouldn't I?   JERRY (doubtfully): No reason...     [New scene - Elaine at her job interview at Doubleday with Mrs. Landis.]   LANDIS: Of course, Jackie O. was a great lady. Those are going to be some tough shoes to fill. Everyone loved her. She had such...grace.   ELAINE (gushing): Yes! Grace!   LANDIS: Not many people have grace.   ELAINE: Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have a little grace...not as much as Jackie -   LANDIS: You can't have "a little grace." You either have grace, or you...don't.   ELAINE: O.K., fine, I have...no grace.   LANDIS: And you can't acquire grace.   ELAINE: Well, I have no intention of "getting" grace.   LANDIS: Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market.   ELAINE (fed up): Alright, alright, look - I don't have grace, I don't want grace...I don't even say grace, O.K.?   LANDIS: Thank you for coming in.   ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, right.   LANDIS: We'll make our choice in a few days, and we'll let you know.   ELAINE (stands up): I have no chance, do I?   LANDIS: No. (They shake hands.)   LANDIS'S INTERCOM: Justin Pitt to see you.   ELAINE: Justin Pitt?   LANDIS: He was a very close friend of Mrs. Onassis's.   ELAINE: "Mrs. Onassis's"? That's hard to pronounce.   LANDIS: Excuse me?   ELAINE: Nothing. (Mr. Pitt comes in with some papers in hand.)   PITT: Mrs. Landis, there's something wrong with this copying machine, it's all coming out slanted. Now, I don't know if this is your department or not.   LANDIS: Justin Pitt, this is Elaine Benes. (Elaine turns around. With sunglasses and a scarf on her head, she bears a close resemblance to Jackie O.)   PITT (clearly affected by Elaine's appearance): Charmed.   ELAINE: I was a great admirer of Mrs. Onass-sis-sis-sis...     [Cut back to Jerry's apartment; Jerry's on the phone with Miss Rhode Island.]   JERRY: Hello, Karen? It's Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, that's very sweet of you. You know, you better be careful, you don't want to get too congenial. They'll slap that "Miss Congeniality" on you, and you'll congene yourself right out of the contest. So, what time do you want to get together later? What? So what, we don't need the chaperone. (To George) The chaperone can't make it. (To Karen) Oh, you're not gonna get disqualified! So, we're not going? (Kramer enters.) Hold on one second. (To Kramer) Hey, what are you doing tonight?   KRAMER: Nothin.'   JERRY: I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants, you wanna go?   KRAMER: What state?   JERRY: Rhode Island.   KRAMER: They're never in contention.   GEORGE: How do you know?   KRAMER: Because I've seen every Miss America pageant since I was six.   JERRY: Look, do you want to go or not? I'll buy you dinner.   KRAMER: Giddy-up!   JERRY (to Karen): I think I got someone!     [New scene - Elaine and Mr. Pitt having lunch at the coffee shop.]   PITT (looking at Elaine and smiling): The resemblance is uncanny. (Elaine, sipping soda through a straw, looks up with a sour expression on her face.) Even the brown eyes.   ELAINE: Well, a lot of people have brown eyes.   PITT: No, there's something else. An indefinable quality.   ELAINE: Grace?   PITT: Grace, yes.   ELAINE: You think Ihave grace?   PITT: Some grace, yes.   ELAINE: Just some?   PITT: Well, you don't want too much grace or you won't be able to stand.   ELAINE (laughing): Oh, Mr. Pitt.   PITT: Elaine, I want you to come and work for me as my personal assistant. Now, I'll pay you the same as Pendant, but I would need you to start right away.     [New scene - George approaches Buck Showalter at Yankee Stadium.]   GEORGE: Hey, Buck. Talk to you for a second?   SHOWALTER: Sure, George.   GEORGE: How's everything going? Everything O.K.?   SHOWALTER: Well, all of a sudden there's a problem with Tartabull's swing...   GEORGE: Listen, Buck, I uh...obviously I don't need to talk to you about the importance of player morale, but uh...I've been talking to some of the guys, and some of them - I don't want to mention any names - but some of them...they're not too happy with the polyester uniforms.   SHOWALTER: How so?   GEORGE: Well, they get very hot in the polyester. You know, it's not a natural fibre. I think they would prefer cotton.   SHOWALTER: Cotton, huh?   GEORGE: Yeah. Cotton breathes, you see, it's much softer. Imagine playing games and your team is five degrees cooler than the other team. Don't you think that would be an advantage? They're cooler, they're more comfortable...they're happier - they're gonna play better.   SHOWALTER: You may have something there, George.   GEORGE: Oh - I've got something.   SHOWALTER (considering): Hmm. Cotton uniforms.     [New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.]   JERRY: Congratulations!   ELAINE: Yeah! And the best part is, I still get to look for work in publishing.   JERRY: Now, what is it that you do, exactly?   ELAINE: I attend to his personal affairs.   JERRY: Like what?   ELAINE: Well, like tomorrow for example, I have to uh...I have to buy him some socks.   JERRY: Really! Socks!   ELAINE: Yeah. White ones. Like the ones you wear with sneakers.   JERRY: Hey, maybe you can pick me up some underwear! (Kramer enters.)   KRAMER (shows Jerry his outfit): So, what do you think? Does this work?   JERRY: Listen...tonight, after we finish eating, you make like you got something else to do and just "recede into the night," if you know what I mean.   KRAMER: No way!   JERRY: What?   KRAMER: Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.   JERRY: I'm not going to "defile" her!   KRAMER: That's right, because I'm going to see it doesn't happen. Look, Jerry, these girls are Miss America contestants. It's every little girl's dream. And I'm not going to let you trample that dream and make a mockery of everything the pageant stands for.   JERRY: But -   KRAMER (holds up his hand): AAAH! No buts! Those are my rules.   JERRY: But wait a minute...   KRAMER: Now, if you want to go out and have some good, wholesome fun with a nice girl, I'd be glad to help you out...if you're looking for something more than that, you've got the wrong guy, buddy! (Jerry tries to get a word in during this entire speech, but Kramer won't budge an inch.)     [New scene - Jerry and Kramer at the restaurant with Miss Rhode Island.]   KRAMER: If you were Miss America, what would you do to make the world a better place?   KAREN: As Miss America, I would try and bring an end to world hunger. If every person sacrificed one meal a week, there would be enough to feed the whole world!   JERRY: That's a hell of a plan. (To Kramer) Listen -   KRAMER (to Karen): What advice would you give young people?   JERRY: Alright, Kramer!   KRAMER: This is important stuff! She's got to be able to answer these questions. She's not going to have time to think, out there, with millions of people watching her. Any hesitation could cost her the crown. You know, poise counts.   KAREN: You really know a lot about this, don't you?   KRAMER: Oh yeah, like last year? Miss Texas? Now, she should have won easily, but she lost points in the swimsuit competition.   KAREN: Well, what could she have done?   KRAMER: Tape her breasts together. (Jerry is shocked.)   KAREN: What else?   KRAMER: Well, take you for example. Now, you're very attractive, but you got a big waist.   JERRY: Hey, come on!   KAREN: No, no...it's O.K. (To Kramer) Go on.   KRAMER: Well, I'd recommend a waist cincher.   KAREN: Really.   KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Just - thip! - suck you in.   JERRY: I'll be right back. (Leaves the table.)   KRAMER: So, what's your talent?   KAREN: Magic.   KRAMER: Mmm. I'm thinking of a number from one to ten.   KAREN: Six.   KRAMER: No, five. But you were close.     [Cut to Jerry on his way past the restaurant bar. He notices the ballgame on TV.]   ANNOUNCER #1: And the Yankees take the field!   ANNOUNCER #2: Is it my imagination, or do the Yankees look a little different tonight? I can't put my finger on it...   ANNOUNCER #1: Well, from what I understand, they've switched to cotton uniforms.   ANNOUNCER #2: They seem blousier, softer...   ANNOUNCER #1: Well, it is a natural fibre...   (Jerry shakes his head and continues on his way.)     [New scene - Jerry, Karen and Kramer heading home in the limo. Kramer is still going on about the pageant.]   KRAMER: How's your evening?   KAREN: Well, I'm wearing this red dress -   KRAMER: Stop right there.   KAREN: No good?   KRAMER: Disaster.   KAREN: Why?   KRAMER: Well, you got brown eyes. You want to wear a green dress.   KAREN: That makes sense. (The limo stops at Karen's hotel.)   JERRY: Well, here we are...   KAREN: Kramer, would you consider being my personal consultant for the pageant?   KRAMER: Okay. But if I'm going to do this, we play by my rules or we don't play at all.   KAREN: I am in your hands. (They shake hands.) Well! Oh, good night, Jerry. (They're about to kiss, but Kramer stops them by clearing his throat.) Kenneth will take you home. (She gets out, leaving Jerry staring at Kramer with an angry expression on his face.)   (Scene ends with an exterior shot of the limo going down the street. We hear Kramer singing the Miss America theme song, and Jerry telling him to "shut the f*ck up.")     [New scene - Jerry's apartment the next day. Jerry's packing to go to Atlantic City. Kramer enters.]   KRAMER: Hey.   JERRY: Well, if it isn't Mr. Blackwell.   KRAMER: Oh, come on.   JERRY: And that waist cincher, that was the topper!   KRAMER: Oh, you're poo-pooing!   JERRY: Yes, I poo-poo.   KRAMER: Well, let me tell you something. I'm taking this kid to the top. To the top, Jerry! We're going for the crown, and you can't stop her!   JERRY: I don't want to stop her!   KRAMER: You can't stop her, Jerry! Oh, I've seen 'em come and go, but this kid has got something! (Turns to leave.)   JERRY: Yeah, so do you. (George enters with a newspaper.)   GEORGE: Well, did you see it?   JERRY: See what?   GEORGE: The uniforms! Did you see how they played? Listen to these comments! (reads from the paper) "Wade Boggs: 'What a fabric! Finally we can breathe.' Luis Palonia: 'Cotton is king.' Paul O'Neill: 'I never dreamed anything could be so soft and fluffy.' "   JERRY: Boy, they really do sound comfortable.   GEORGE (noticing Jerry's suitcase): Hey, where ya goin'?   JERRY: I'm working in Atlantic City.   GEORGE: Really!   JERRY: Yeah. Hey, you're not working this weekend, why don't you come down?   GEORGE: Atlantic City? (thinks) Yes! Yes! I will go to Atlantic City. I'm in. I'm down.   JERRY: You know what, maybe Elaine wants to go too, lemme call her. (Picks up the phone.) She's at Mr. Pitt's, I think I got the number...     [New scene - Elaine at Mr. Pitt's. He's trying on the socks she's brought him.]   ELAINE: So, what do you think?   PITT (pulling up the socks): No.   ELAINE: You don't like them?   PITT: No, I don't like them.   ELAINE: What's wrong?   PITT: They're too tight.   ELAINE: Too tight?   PITT: There's no elastic, you need to pull too much (pulls them up more).   ELAINE (examining the socks): I think they look good!   PITT: They're cutting off the circulation.   ELAINE: Alright, well, I'll just take them back. (The phone rings.)   PITT: Hello?   JERRY: Hi, Mr. Pitt! Is Elaine there?   PITT (hands the phone to Elaine): It's for you.   ELAINE: Sorry. Hello?   JERRY: Hey Elaine, it's me.   ELAINE: Jerry?   JERRY: We're going to Atlantic City.   ELAINE: Really? When?   JERRY: Today, right now! Are you in?   ELAINE: One second, hang on. (To Mr. Pitt) Excuse me, Mr. Pitt? Would it be alright if I got you the socks tomorrow?   PITT: Tomorrow?   ELAINE: Yes.   PITT: But I was hoping for my new socks today!   ELAINE: Well, it's just one more day.   PITT: I'm sorry. I must have them today.   ELAINE (to Jerry): I can't go.   JERRY: Why not?   ELAINE: Because I have to return the socks and get different ones.   PITT: Elaine!   ELAINE: I gotta go. (Hangs up.)     [New scene - Kramer and Karen at the hotel in Atlantic City. Karen is rehearsing her stage-walking with Kramer. She does it once, but Kramer isn't satisfied.]   KRAMER: No. Alright, watch me now. (Karen sits on the bed. Kramer walks across the room like a Miss America contestant with a big smile on his face.) Turn, back, head up, shoulders back...posture. You see? Posture.   KAREN: Yes, I see. O.K.   KRAMER: Let's try a few more questions, alright? (Karen stands up.) If you were Miss America, and the U.S. was on the brink of a nuclear war, and the only way the conflict could be averted was if you agreed to sleep with the enemy's leader, what would you do?   KAREN: Kramer, are these questions really that important...?   KRAMER: Yes, they're important! If you stumble, if you hesitate, you can kiss the crown goodbye. Now if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times - poise counts! It's just as important as the others. Swimsuit! Evening wear! Talent! POISE!     [New scene - Jerry in he and George's hotel room on the floor above Karen's. George enters.]   GEORGE: Hey.   JERRY: Hey.   GEORGE: How was the show?   JERRY: Good. How was the roulette?   GEORGE: I won fifty bucks! Boy, this is great. Too bad Elaine's not here.   JERRY: Yeah, all she had to do was buy Mr. Pitt a pair of socks!     [Cut back to Elaine at Mr. Pitt's. There are pairs of socks everywhere. Pitt has on the latest pair.]   PITT: It's good, but...   ELAINE: But what??   PITT: Ultimately I don't think they'll stay up.   ELAINE (pulling up Pitt's socks): No, no! They'll stay up!   PITT: For a while, yes, but not in the long run.   ELAINE: But that's why I got you the tighter ones! (Holds them up.)   PITT: Oh, forget about those! (Takes the socks from Elaine and throws them on the floor.) Why do you keep mentioning those?   ELAINE: What do you want!?   PITT: I want a decent sock that's comfortable, that will stay on my foot!!   (Elaine curls up into a fetal position.)     [Cut back to Atlantic City, the middle of the night. Jerry and George are trying to sleep, but a flock of birds outside is keeping them awake.]   JERRY: What the hell is that?   GEORGE: I don't know, it sounds like pigeons or something!   JERRY (getting out of bed): Well, I can't sleep with that noise.   GEORGE: Me either. Is there anything you can do to shut them up?   JERRY: Wait a second. (Grabs the icebucket off the counter.) This'll scare 'em off. (Dumps the bucket of water over the balcony. We hear a loud squawking noise and the flapping of wings, then the noise is gone. Jerry gets back into bed.) Well, good night, Ollie.   GEORGE: Good night, Stan.     [New scene - Karen's hotel room the next morning. Upset, she lets Kramer in.]   KRAMER: What is it?   KAREN: My doves! They're dead! I trained those birds for eight years! How am I supposed to do my magic act now?   KRAMER: How did this happen?   KAREN: They like it outside, so I kept them in a cage on the terrace...then I found them dead in a pool of water!   KRAMER (goes out on the terrace to look, and slips in the water): Well, how did this happen?   KAREN: It must have been an accident.   KRAMER: Accident? This was no accident. These doves were murdered.     [New scene - Jerry watching TV in his room. There's a knock at the door; Jerry lets Kramer in.]   KRAMER: Well, that's it! She's out of the pageant!   JERRY: What? Why? What happened?   KRAMER: Her birds are dead.   JERRY: Birds?   KRAMER: Yeah, birds. She's got these trained doves, she does this magic act, that was her talent for the pageant. You know what I think, Jerry? I think somebody murdered those doves. Somebody wanted her out of that contest bad. Somebody who was just eaten up with jealousy. Somebody who just couldn't stand to have the spotlight taken off of them! (Kramer turns around and notices the empty icebucket on the edge of Jerry's balcony.)   JERRY: What are you looking at? (Kramer goes out onto the terrace and looks down.) Oh, that! We had to leave that outside, last night, because the water was making the room too cold.   KRAMER (comes back inside with his finger pointed at Jerry): You killed them, didn't you?   JERRY: No, you don't understand - it's not what you think! It was an accident!   KRAMER: Well, don't think you've won, because you haven't! This kid is a fighter! And if you think I'm gonna let a couple of dead birds get in our way, you're crazy!   JERRY: Kramer, you gotta explain to her what happened...! (Kramer exits.)   GEORGE (comes out of the bathroom brushing his teeth): What was that all about?   JERRY: Oh, it was just Kramer...apparently I killed Miss Rhode Island's doves with a bucket of water last night.   GEORGE: Oh. (Goes back into the bathroom.)     [New scene - The night of the Miss America pageant. Kramer and Karen are backstage. Regis Philbin is about to introduce Miss Rhode Island in the talent competition.]   KAREN: O.K., this is it!   KRAMER: How ya feelin'?   KAREN: I'm a little nervous!   KRAMER: There's nothing to be nervous about.   KAREN: But I've never sung before in my life!   PHILBIN: And now, let's welcome Karen Ann Hanson, Miss Rhode Island!   (Karen walks out on stage and starts singing, badly. Cut to Jerry and George watching the pageant on TV at the hotel.)   JERRY: I heard those doves were really incredible.   GEORGE: That's a shame. (Karen is shown singing off-key on the television.)   JERRY: It's like watching an animal get tortured.   GEORGE: Hey, hey! Yankee game! (Changes the channel.)   JERRY: Oh, great! Alright. (We hear the announcers calling the game.)   ANNOUNCER #1: And the Yankees take the field!   ANNOUNCER #2: What is with the Yankees? They look like they're having trouble running, they can't move!   ANNOUNCER #1: It's their uniforms, they're too tight, they've shrunk! They're running like penguins! Forget this game!   ANNOUNCER #2: Oh my God, Mattingly just split his pants!   JERRY: That's a shame.   (Cut back to Karen on-stage at the pageant, still singing horribly. Kramer is shown in the wings, still trying to coach her.)   KRAMER: Poise. Poise!    [Closing Monologue]   The Miss America pageant seems like a really tough contest. You know, you gotta come out there in the bathing suit, in the dress shoes...they got that "sanitized for your protection" toilet seat-thing hangin' off them, you know...plus, they gotta wear all the other outfits. I don't know why, the bathing suit is the contest. You win the bathing suit, you win. What is the formal wear? Everybody looks good in formal wear; it's dark, it covers everything - that's why we have weddings in it. I mean, if we had weddings in bathing suits, a lot of ceremonies wouldn't be able to get past "If anyone sees any reason why these two people should not be joined together..." About eighty hands go up...    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 147 - The Comeback  pc: 813, season 8, episode 13  Broadcast date: January 30, 1997   Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin  Directed by David Owen Trainor   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Mark Harelik ....................... Milos  Ben Stein .............................. Shellbach  Joel Polis ............................... Reilly  Ivana Milavich ...................... Patty  Danny Strong ...................... Vincent  Richard Livingston ............... Bill  Charles Kahlenberg .............. Fred  Stan Sellers ........................... McAdam  Peggy Mannix ...................... Woman  Fatima Love ......................... Secretary  Nancy Linehan Charles ....... Woman Executive  Jeff Hatz .............................. Manager (Gene)   ==================================================================   [Yankee Stadium, Conference Room]   (A group of staff, including George, are gathered round the table. There's a bunch of food on the table. Most people have a small plate with a few salad leaves on it in front of them. George is picking shrimp off a platter, dipping them in some sort of sauce, and stuffing his face with them, about as fast as he can manage.)   BILL: Well, if the big man wants a new scoreboard, I don't wanna be the one to tell him no.   REILLY: No-one in the park is gonna be able to see it from there.   GEORGE: (through a mouthful of shrimp) Well, why don't we just put a monitor in his skybox?   REILLY: Hey George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.   (Everyone at the table starts laughing uproariously at Reilly's joke. George looks upset, and barely forces half a sick smile past his mouthful of seafood.)     [George's Car]   (George drives along. He's fuming at Reilly's dig.)   GEORGE: (angry, to himself) The ocean called. Running outta shrimp. Outta shrimp! (a thought occurs) Oh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said! (frustrated shout) Dammit!     [New York Health & Racquet Club]   (George and Jerry come along a corridor. They're carrying bags and paraphernalia indicating they've been playing tennis.)   JERRY: 'The ocean called, They're running outta shrimp'?   GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to him, 'Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're running outta you.'   (Jerry and George halt at a bench by the entrance to the pro shop. Jerry rummages in his bag, producing an old-fashioned wooden framed tennis racquet.)   JERRY: (smiling) Really? That's great. You said that to him?   GEORGE: (confessing) Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here.   JERRY: Oh. That's not quite the same.   GEORGE: No. No it's not. You don't know this guy. It woulda been so sweet.   JERRY: I'm gonna grab a can of balls.   GEORGE: Right.   (George heads on down the corridor. Jerry walks into the pro shop, carrying his gear. There are a few customers browsing. Milos (East European, tracksuit wearing, slicked back hair with pony tail) comes over to Jerry.)   MILOS: Hello. My name is Milos. How can I help you.   JERRY: I need a can of balls.   (Jerry stands before the counter, holding the old-fashioned racquet. Milos reaches under the counter and pulls out a can of tennis balls.)   MILOS: Can of balls for the nice guy, alri...   (Milos stops and stares disapprovingly at Jerry's racquet.)   MILOS: ...Ahh. You don't plan to hit these balls with that racquet, do you?   (Jerry looks surprised.)     [Champagne Video]   (Inside a typical small video rental store, Elaine stands before a rack marked 'Staff Picks'. Individual shelves are labelled 'Elizabeth', 'Gene', and 'Vincent', amongst others. Elaine is reading the back of a video box, when Kramer comes up behind her.)   KRAMER: Checking out the staff picks, Miss Benes?   ELAINE: Oh. (laughs) Ha-ha. Hey. Yeah, yeah. (indicating shelf) This Vincent guy, he is the best. He and I have the exact same taste in movies.   KRAMER: Oh, Vincent is an art-house goon. I stick to the Gene rack.   ELAINE: Gene? Oh, it's so stupid and mainstream.   KRAMER: (indicates 'Gene' shelf) I've seen all these, so I went with a Kramer pick.   (Kramer holds up a video for Elaine's inspection.)   ELAINE: (reading) 'The Other Side Of Darkness'. Huh, I never heard of that one.   KRAMER: Yeah, went straight to video.   (Elaine looks upon this as a negative.)   KRAMER: (positive) That makes me the premiere.   (Kramer takes his cassette toward the counter.)   ELAINE: (gets Kramer's point) Hah.     [Jerry's Apartment]   (Kramer is talking seriously to Jerry, whilst holding a piece of paper.)   KRAMER: Jerry, have you ever seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness?   JERRY: No.   KRAMER: It's about this woman, in a coma. Well, I couldn't finish watching it, so I want you to read this.   (Kramer hands the piece of paper to Jerry.)   JERRY: (reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie, hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, lung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.'   KRAMER: Can you do that for me, buddy?   JERRY: Well, I don't if what you have here constitutes a legally binding document.   KRAMER: Well, I'm gonna type it up.   JERRY: Yes, well, of course, but, even so, you may wanna talk to a lawyer.   KRAMER: Yeah, but, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining order on me. (frustrated) I'm not allowed within two hundred feet of his office. I couldn't even give him his Christmas present.   (Jerry nods sympathetically. Kramer spots something on the table.)   KRAMER: Oh, hey, new racquet, huh?   JERRY: Yeah. (hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't gonna get it, but this guy Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it.   (Kramer takes a few practice strokes with the racquet.)   JERRY: In fact, it's the only racquet he plays with.   KRAMER: (picking up Jerry's old racquet) Well, you're not gonna need this any more.   (Kramer deposits the old wooden racquet in Jerry's trash. Jerry notices something about the piece of paper Kramer gave him.)   JERRY: (accusingly) Hey, this is the zee page of my address book.   KRAMER: (explaining) Oh yeah, I put all your zees on the weights and measures page.   (Kramer swings the new racquet again, making ball-smashing sound effects.)     [Elaine's Apartment]   (Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video rental. She dabs a tear from her eye, and sniffs.)   ELAINE: (emotional) Oh. Oh, bravo, Vincent. Bravo. (sniffs)   (The phone rings. Elaine reaches over and picks up, not happy at being interrupted.)   ELAINE: What?   VINCENT (O.C.): Did you enjoy the movie?   ELAINE: Who is it?   VINCENT (O.C.): It's Vincent.   ELAINE: Of Vincent's picks?   VINCENT (O.C.): The same.   (Elaine smiles excitedly.)     [Tennis Club]   (Elaine and Jerry have been playing tennis at a different club from the one we saw earlier. They're packing away their stuff. At another court, behind them, a guy in baseball cap and dark glasses is playing truly awful tennis. He's missing the ball, falling over, flailing wildly with his racquet.)   JERRY: He called you?   ELAINE: He musta got my number off the computer. We ended up talking for, like, two hours.   JERRY: To a guy you've never met? (mild sarcasm) Your screening process is getting ever more rigorous.   (Elaine sticks out her tongue at Jerry.)   ELAINE: Trying to meet him. He's never at the video store. They said he sets his own hours.   (A tennis ball bounces by Elaine, and she grabs it. The terrible player from the other court shouts over.)   PLAYER (O.C.): Little help, hey!   ELAINE: (tossing the ball back) Yeah.   PLAYER: Thank you.   (The ball Elaine tossed back eludes the player's grasp, misses his racquet and bounces away past him.)   ELAINE: (laughing to Jerry) Oh god, that guy's terrible.   JERRY: (pulling on a jacket) Mmm-hmm.   (The terrible player continues to swing ineffectually at easy balls in the background.)   ELAINE: Hey, how come we played at this crummy place instead of your club?   JERRY: George used up all my guest passes already.   ELAINE: Ah.   PLAYER: Ahh.   (A ball bounces past Elaine, and Jerry grabs it.)   JERRY: Come on.   PLAYER: Thank you.   (The awful player comes over to get the ball back. As he approaches, he removes his sunglasses and wipes his brow with his forearm.)   JERRY: (tossing the ball) Here you go.   (The player catches the ball and raises his head, so we can see his face. It's Milos, the guy who sold Jerry his new racquet.)   JERRY: (disbelief) Milos?   MILOS: (shock) Oh, hey. (puts sunglasses back on) How you doing?   Milos looks guilty, and shouts across to his playing partner as he walks away from Jerry.)   MILOS: Okay, we should uh, wrap it up here.   (Milos bounces the ball on the court and tries to hit it over the net. He fails, despite being no more than four feet from the net. Jerry looks down at his new racquet, thoughtfully.)     [Jerry's Apartment]   (Elaine and Jerry have just arrived from the tennis club, and are putting their stuff on the table. Elaine is removing her coat.)   ELAINE: So he was bad. What d'you care?   JERRY: Elaine, I paid two hundred dollars for this racquet, because he said it's the only one he plays with. He could've played just as well with a log.   (The door opens and Kramer enters, smartly dressed, with a suit and tie.)   KRAMER: Hey. Right, I talked to this lawyer guy, Shellbach. Now, he's gonna set me up, but you gotta come with me and be the executor.   ELAINE: The executor? Of what?   JERRY: Kramer wants to die with dignity.   ELAINE: There's a feather in your cap.   KRAMER: I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out. (snaps fingers)   (The door opens and George wanders in, looking pleased with himself.)   GEORGE: Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends.   JERRY: D'you get someone to take that Canadian quarter?   GEORGE: I got another meeting with Reilly. A whole new audience, and I bet I can get him to try that line again.   ELAINE: Who's Reilly?   JERRY: George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, and this guy says 'Hey, George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.'   (Elaine laughs, loud and long, causing Jerry and Kramer to smile and laugh.)   GEORGE: Listen to the comeback. (pleased) 'Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.'   (George smiles and looks expectant. The other three just stare at him, with varying levels of confusion in their expressions.)   GEORGE: (worked up) Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!   ELAINE: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent.'?   (Elaine laughs, and Jerry smiles.)   GEORGE: (confused) What does that mean?   JERRY: (taps George's chest) Hey, here you go. 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six.'   GEORGE: (frustrated) No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.   KRAMER: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.   GEORGE: (shouting) I'm not looking for another line. I got the line.   KRAMER: Look, George, just think about it. You know, you're married, how would you feel if somebody says to you that they just had se...   GEORGE: (really animated) Alright, alright. You see? This is why I hate writing with a large group. Everybody has their own little opinions, and it all gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it. I'm going with jerk store! Jerk store is the line! Jerk store! Yess!   (George walks out the door. The other three watch him go. Kramer walks over and looks out the door after George, then returns and spots Jerry's old racquet on a stool.)   KRAMER: (picking the racquet up) Did you take this out of the garbage?   JERRY: Yeah, it's still got some spring in the strings.   KRAMER: Oh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk. (drops racquet in the trash) How are you gonna be the executor of my living will?   (Jerry retrieves the racquet from the trash.)   KRAMER: (indicating) You see? You can't let go.   JERRY: Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you.   KRAMER: I wish I could believe you. Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?   ELAINE: Me?   KRAMER: Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted businesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on a few throats.   ELAINE: (smiling, flattered) Oh, ho, c'mon.     [Lawyer's Office]   (Kramer and Elaine sit before a desk, behind which sits Shellbach the lawyer, who has a large list in front of him, from which he's reading. Kramer looks nervous, while Elaine is tapping at a soda can, looking bored.)   SHELLBACH: Situation number four. You're breathing on your own, you're conscious, but with no muscular function.   KRAMER: Well, would I be able to communicate?   SHELLBACH: I don't see how.   ELAINE: Ach, I don't like the sound of this one.   KRAMER: Huhh, yeah, let's pull the cord.   ELAINE: Yank it like (pops open soda can) you're starting a mower.   SHELLBACH: Moving on. You have liver, kidneys and gall bladder, but no central nervous system.   (Kramer looks at Elaine, who gives a double thumbs-down.)   KRAMER: Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.   SHELLBACH: Okay. One lung, blind and you're eating through a tube.   KRAMER: Naw, that's not my style.   ELAINE: Bore-ing.   SHELLBACH: Alright, you can eat. But machines do everything else.   KRAMER: (hesitant) Uhm...   (Kramer looks to Elaine, who nods.)   ELAINE: I'd stick.   KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. Stick. (to Elaine) 'Cos I could still go to the coffee shop.   ELAINE: (points to Kramer and smiles in agreement) That's right.     [New York Health & Racquet Club]   (A grim-looking Jerry stalks into the pro shop and over to the counter to be met by a nervous and apologetic Milos.)   JERRY: Hello Milos.   MILOS: Jerry, thank god you got my message. Thank you so much for coming down here. Uhm, listen...   JERRY: (animated) You know, I spent two hundred dollars on a racquet because I thought you knew what you were talking about.   MILOS: I..I...   JERRY: You can't even play.   MILOS: Believe me, it is Milos great shame. But Jerry, I could lose my business if anybody find out. How would you like extra year membership of the club? Free. No charge.   JERRY: You could do that?   MILOS: Jerry, for you, anything.   (Jerry looks happier. Milos walks away behind the scenes somewhere. Jerry looks round the store and exchanges smiles with a beautiful woman who's trying on a visor. After a few moments, Milos returns, looking rueful.)   JERRY: (indicating the woman) Game, set and match, huh Milos?   MILOS: (apologetic) Hah, Jerry, I am so sorry. they tell me there is no way they can do it. (meek) Is there anything else I can do for you? Anything at all. I refund your money.   JERRY: (animated) You know what Milos, I don't even care about the money. I just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player I...   MILOS: Shhh-shhh. (whispers) I make it up to you.   JERRY: (doubtful) Yeah, you'll make it up to me.   (Jerry turns away and walks toward the door. As he passes the beautiful woman, he speaks.)   JERRY: Tennis, anyone?   (The woman smiles at Jerry's flirtation. Jerry leaves, and Milos looks after him, worried.)     [Champagne Video]   (Kramer and Elaine stand before the 'Staff Picks' rack again. Elaine picks a video off the 'Vincent' rack.)   ELAINE: Oh, this is the one Vincent told me about. The Pain And The Yearning. (reads from the box) 'An old woman experiences pain and yearning.' A hundred and ninety-two minutes?   KRAMER: That's a lotta yearning, huh?   ELAINE: You know, these movies are great, but they're just so emotionally exhausting.   KRAMER: Yeah, well, what you need is some summertime adolescent high jinx.   ELAINE: Really?   KRAMER: (looking at 'Gene' rack) See what doctor Gene prescribes, huh? (pulls down a cassette) Oh, here, look at that. Weekend At Bernies Two. Now, that's an hilarious premise.   ELAINE: (laughs) Huh. (looks from tape to tape) Well...   KRAMER: Yeah. (taps the Weekend At Bernie's II box)   ELAINE: Yeah, I could use a chuckle.   (Elaine returns the 'Vincent' pick to the shelf and walks toward the counter with the Bernie's tape.)   KRAMER: (approving) Yeah.   ELAINE: What're you getting?   KRAMER: Nothing, I'm gonna finish watching The Other Side Of Darkness.   ELAINE: Oh. How much you got left?   KRAMER: Yeah, about two hours.   (Elaine does a double-take at this.)   KRAMER: Yeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick.     [Elaine's Apartment]   (Elaine sits up in bed, watching her video. She's not enjoying it.)   ELAINE: (at TV screen) Bernie is dead, you moron! (frustration) Just because he's wearing sunglasses he looks alive?! (picks up video box) Ugh, how long is this weekend, anyway? (reads from label) Ugh!   (The phone rings, and Elaine picks up, glad of the interruption.)   ELAINE: Hello.   VINCENT (O.C.): (accusing) How's the movie. Elaine?   ELAINE: Vincent?   VINCENT (O.C.): (betrayed) The Gene pick. How could you? I thought we had something special.   ELAINE: (defensive) No, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not even gonna rewind it.   (There is a click as Vincent hangs up.)   ELAINE: Vincent?     [Yankee Stadium, Conference Room]   (The table is ringed with employees again, and there is more food. George is stuffing his face with shrimp, just as before. There are a couple of empty seats. One more guy (Fred) enters, and moves to sit at the table.)   FRED: Alright, let's get to it.   GEORGE: Wha..wait a minute, wha..what about Reilly?   FRED: Reilly doesn't work here any more.   GEORGE: (surprise) What? I..I didn't hear about that.   FRED: Oh, we only wake you up for the important meetings.   (Everyone at the table collapses into laughter at George's expense. Again, George do nothing but look upset at the turn of events.)     [Street]   (Jerry is walking along the street, when he encounters the beautiful woman from the pro shop, who appears to have been waiting from him.)   PATTY: Hello.   JERRY: Hello. Didn't I see you at the pro shop yesterday?   PATTY: I think so. I'm Patty. Milos gave me your address. I hope you don't mind me waiting for you here.   JERRY: (to himself) Hoh, that Milos. (to Patty) Well uh, what shall we do, uhm, care for a cup of coffee?   PATTY: Why don't we just go up to your apartment?   JERRY: (surprised) Alright.   (Patty strolls past Jerry, and indicates he should follow.)   JERRY: (to himself) Gotta be an easier way.   (Jerry turns to follow Patty.)     [Kramer's Apartment]   (Kramer is playing the rest of The Other Side Of Darkness. The soundtrack can be heard from the TV.)   NURSE (O.C.): Doctor, how's her coma?   DOCTOR (O.C.): Oh, exactly the same.   (Kramer enters the room, with a bowl of spaghetti. He sits on the couch to watch the movie, and lifts a big forkful into his mouth.)   DOCTOR (O.C.): Wait a minute, she's coming out of the coma.   (Kramer stops chewing and stares wide-eyed at the TV screen.)   DOCTOR (O.C.): Mrs Allbright, can you hear me? Are you okay?   ALLBRIGHT (O.C.): (bright and cheerful) I feel so rested and refreshed. Get me a toothbrush.   (Kramer continues to stare at the screen, stunned by the outcome of the movie.)     [Jerry's Apartment]   (Jerry hands a drink to Patty as she stands by the kitchen counter.)   JERRY: So, you play tennis?   PATTY: (putting the glass down on the counter) Enough talk, Jerry.   (Patty advances on Jerry, sexily. Jerry looks somewhat surprised.)   JERRY: Not for me, I love chatting.   PATTY: (putting her hand to Jerry's face) Shh.   (Patty leans toward Jerry, as though to kiss him. Just as she's about to kiss, she breaks away.)   PATTY: (anguished) No! No, I can't do this. (moving away) I can't go through with it. (sitting on the couch) Not even for him!   JERRY: Who?   PATTY: (cries) Milos. My husband!   JERRY: (shocked) Your husband?!   (Patty puts her face down on the couch, weeping. Jerry, puts his hands up in the air, in a gesture of total disbelief.)     [Jerry's Apartment]   (George sits on the couch, just making sure he's got Jerry's story straight. Jerry listens.)   GEORGE: So concerned was he, that word of his poor tennis skills might leak out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval sexual payola?   JERRY: (explanation) He's new around here.   GEORGE: (hopeful) So, details?   JERRY: (walking away) Well, I didn't sleep with her.   GEORGE: Because of society, right?   JERRY: (weary) Yes, George, because of society. So how did the big meeting turn out?   (Jerry is getting some sort of candy bar out of a packet on the counter.)   GEORGE: Reilly is no longer with the club. (getting up) You believe that?   (George wanders over into the kitchen.)   JERRY: Ah, you're better off. Now you can just let it go.   (George looks in the fridge.)   GEORGE: Yeah, I'm gonna let it go.   JERRY: You never really had the right comeback, anyway.   (George jerks out of the fridge, slamming the door.)   GEORGE: (animated) Are you insane? Jerk store, woulda smoked that guy! Smoked him, I say.   (George walks back into the living room and picks up a newspaper. The door opens and Kramer enters.)   KRAMER: Hey. Oh, Jerry, listen uh, you know, I saw the rest of that movie, The Other Side Of Darkness? The coma lady wakes up at the end.   GEORGE: (frustrated) Ohh, I wanted to see that. (waves his arms in frustration) Thanks. Thanks a lot.   (George stalks away into the bathroom, and slams the door behind him.)   KRAMER: I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma.   JERRY: I didn't know it was possible not to know that.   GEORGE (O.C.): (from bathroom) How was Eric Roberts as the husband?   KRAMER: (shouting back) Oh, unforgettable.   GEORGE (O.C.): (disappointed) Oww.   KRAMER: (nervous) I gotta find Elaine. Y'know, she's gonna pull my plug.   (Kramer opens the door and exits hurriedly.)     [Champagne Video]   (Elaine walks over the 'Vincent' rack, where she finds nothing but copies of a video called Betrayed.)   ELAINE: What? Betrayed? Oh, Vincent, I'm so sorry. I...   (Kramer enters the store and hurries over to Elaine.)   KRAMER: Yeah, listen, uh, Elaine, I've changed my mind about the whole coma thing. (positive) Yeah, I decided I'm up for it.   ELAINE: Kramer, do you have any idea what you've done?   (The store manager comes over and squeezes past Elaine.)   MANAGER: Excuse me.   (The manager removes the 'Vincent' label from the shelf and replaces it with another name.)   ELAINE: What're you doing?   (The manager walks back to behind the counter.)   ELAINE: Wha..wha...?   MANAGER: Vincent stopped making picks.   ELAINE: (upset) Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see?   MANAGER: We have a wide variety of Gene picks.   ELAINE: (dismissive) Gene's trash.   MANAGER: I'm Gene.   (Elaine looks sick at her error. Kramer smiles and raises his eyebrows.)   ELAINE: (forcing a smile) Hi.     [New York Health & Racquet Club]   (A subdued Milos is behind the counter, before which stands Jerry.)   JERRY: Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention of telling anyone about your unbelievably bad tennis playing.   MILOS: (not cheered) Thank you, but, unfortunately, I have much larger problems to fry. My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore.   JERRY: I guess that's a risk you run when you dabble in the flesh trade.   MILOS: Patty, she, she loves tennis, as much like I do. (hopeful) Wou..would you, wi..will you let me beat you in tennis? That is the only way I can show her I am still a man.   JERRY: (reluctant) Well, I'll do it as long as there's no other girls around. I mean, I wanna be a man too.     [Monk's]   (Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth.)   JERRY: So you hurt Vincent's feelings?   ELAINE: (handing Jerry an envelope) Look what came in the mail today.   JERRY: (taking the envelope) Wh..What's this?   (Jerry opens the envelope and shakes a small object out onto his palm.)   ELAINE: It's the play button, off his VCR.   JERRY: (examining the button) Boy, look how far back it goes. It's like a tooth.   (George enters and strolls over to the booth.)   GEORGE: (sitting) So, guess where Mr 'Ocean phoned' turned up? He's working for Firestone, in Akron, Ohio.   ELAINE: Ohio?   GEORGE: Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning.   JERRY: (nonplused) You're flying to Akron, just to zing a guy?   GEORGE: Don't you understand? It's not about him. To have a line as perfect as 'jerk store' and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with myself.   ELAINE: See, there are no jerk stores. It..it's just a little confusing, is all.   GEORGE: (adamant) It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. (shouting) And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience!   (George realises that everyone in the coffee shop is staring over at him, and has heard his shouts.)   GEORGE: (waving apologetically) Not you.     [Elaine's Apartment]   (Elaine is again sitting up in bed, watching a video. (My guess is it's The Pain And The Yearning.) The soundtrack can be heard.)   OLD WOMAN (O.C.): Oh, brittle bones. How I long to be rid of the pain.   (The phone rings and Elaine picks up.)   ELAINE: Hello.   VINCENT (O.C.): Elaine? It's Vincent.   ELAINE: (surprised) Vincent. (pleading) Where are you? I have to meet you.   VINCENT (O.C.): No. I can't bear to have anyone see me.   ELAINE: Vincent, listen, I won't judge you the way everyone else does. You're, you're strange and beautiful, and sensitive. (blunter) Now, let's have a look at you.   VINCENT (O.C.): (relenting) Alright, but, can you bring me few things from the store? I haven't been out in a while.     [Kramer's Car]   (Kramer drives along the street, very slowly. He's got traffic stacked up behind him and horns blare as cars manoeuvre around him. Kramer is hunched over the steering wheel, looking nervous.)   KRAMER: (indicating that cars should pass him) Well, go around, you bunch of crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed.     [Lawyer's Office]   (Kramer stands expectantly in the office. A secretary enters.)   SECRETARY: Hi, can I help you?   KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Cosmo Kramer. Yeah, I had an appointment to annul my living will.   SECRETARY: Oh. (looks at her watch) Mr Kramer, you had a ten-thirty appointment. It's two o'clock. Mr Shellbach had a tennis lesson. He's gone for the day.   (Kramer looks anxious again.)     [Tennis Club]   (Jerry and Milos are playing at the other tennis club. They are watched by a small number of people, including Patty. Milos delivers a weak underarm serve, and Jerry makes no effort to return it, merely wafting his racquet vaguely in the direction of the ball.)   JERRY: Too good.   MILOS: (triumphant shout) Another game for Milos!! Hahaha!   (Milos walks to the net to meet Jerry.)   JERRY: You're on fire today.   MILOS: (shouting over) Hey Patty. look at this guy. He's awful!   (Patty blows Milos a kiss.)   MILOS: (milking it) He's not a man, this Jerry. He's not even married like I am. (laughs) Huhuhuhu.   JERRY: (quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind rolling over here, but could you lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff?   MILOS: (shouting) Hey everybody, look! The little chicken girl wants me to ease up. He can't handle this, so he cries like a woman! (laughs evilly) Hahaha!   (Milos strides away to continue the game, leaving Jerry looking rueful.)     [Outside Vincent's Apartment]   (Elaine walks down a hallway, carrying a large grocery bag. She reads numbers off doors until she spots the one she wants. She gives a smile, flicks her hair a little, and knocks at the door.)   ELAINE: Hello? Vincent?   (The door cracks open a few inches, but it's completely dark inside, so the occupant can't be seen.)   VINCENT: Elaine?   ELAINE: I got what you asked.   VINCENT: Just, leave it and go.   ELAINE: W..well, can't I come in?   VINCENT: No. Go away. Now.   (Elaine leans forward so her face is right into the open door.)   ELAINE: (pleading) No, no. Vincent, I... Don't shut me out. (beseeching) I just, I know you feel what I feel.   (A woman comes up behind Elaine.)   WOMAN: Excuse me. Can I help you?   VINCENT: Aw, dammit!   ELAINE: (confused) Uh, uhm, I'm, I'm here to see Vincent.   WOMAN: Well, I'm his mother. (stern) Vincent, what's going on here?   (The woman pushes the door wide open, revealing Vincent standing there. Vincent is a bespectacled, geeky, teen in a plaid shirt. He throws his hands up to cover his face.)   VINCENT: (shrieks) No, my acne!   (Vincent darts away from the door into the apartment. Elaine is open-mouthed in surprise.)   ELAINE: Ahh-cnee.   WOMAN: (regarding the grocery bag) What d'you have here?   (Vincent's mother grabs the top of the bag and begins to rummage through the contents.)   WOMAN: (disapproving) Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks. (accusing) What kind of a sick woman brings this to a fifteen year old?   ELAINE: (sick smile) We have the same taste in movies.   WOMAN: Did he send you part of our VCR?   (Elaine smiles and nods, and pulls at a chain she has round her neck. Threaded onto the chain is the VCR button Vincent sent her.)   ELAINE: Yeah.   (Vincent's mother holds out her hand, and Elaine pulls the chain over her head and hands it over.)   WOMAN: (entering the apartment) Vincent!   (Elaine reaches into the grocery bag and extracts the bottle of vodka. She drops the rest of the bag on the floor, and strolls away, swinging the bottle like a club.)     [Tennis Club]   (Jerry and Milos are still playing. Jerry is still throwing the game, and Milos is still milking it. Jerry puts an easy return straight into the court in front of himself.)   MILOS: (pointing and shouting) Look at the big baby! (laughter) Hehaha. (to Jerry) Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself? Maybe it is time for you to be changed. (laughter) Hahah.   (Patty laughs too, with the few other spectators. Jerry looks angry at this constant derision.)   JERRY: (quietly) I told you to cut it out.   (Jerry delivers a fierce serve which beats Milos, and almost hits him in the face.)   MILOS: (quietly, to Jerry) Hey, c'mon, what're you doing? (to his audience)  Huhuh. The baby got lucky on that one! Hahah.   (Jerry walks back to deliver another serve. Kramer enters and looks around for someone. On another court, Shellbach is facing an automatic serving machine.)   KRAMER: (waving) Shellbach.   (Shellbach waves vaguely back to Kramer, who has begun to walk round the room  to get to him.   (Meanwhile, Jerry returns a shot to Milos, with some venom. Milos stretches desperately to try and reach it, but loses his grip on his racquet. The racquet arcs across the hall, watched by Patty, and then spotted by Kramer.)   KRAMER: Racquet.   (The racquet plummets from the air and strikes the guy who is operating the automatic serving machine for Shellbach. The guy is knocked unconscious and, as he falls, he pushes against the machine, turning it to point at Kramer. Kramer stands transfixed, as it continues to launch balls at him. Several balls in rapid succession strike him in the head, until he slumps, unconscious, to the floor.)     [Insert]   (Aeroplane landing, with a caption 'AKRON, OHIO'.)     [Firestone Boardroom, Akron]   (A boardroom very much like that of the Yankees, but with a Firestone sign on the wall. Several people sit around the table, including Reilly, and George, who is filling his face from a large dish of shrimp.)   REILLY: So, George. You're proposing a snow tyre day at Yankee Stadium?   GEORGE: (through a mouthful) Long as they don't throw 'em on the field. (laughs) Huhu. (indicating dish) Help yourself to some shrimp, I brought enough for everybody.   MCADAM: (doubtful) I have to say this, this proposal doesn't make a whole lot of sense.   GEORGE: Well, you never know. (picks up more shrimp) Let's see how many I can fit in my mouth.   (George begins picking up shrimp one by one and stuffing them into his mouth.)   REILLY: (leaning forward) You know, George...   (George looks up, expectantly.)   REILLY: The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.   (Everyone around the table laughs. Except for George, who looks triumphant. He swallows, and uses a napkin to clean his fingers.)   GEORGE: (standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly) Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you   REILLY: (unperturbed) What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller!   (Reilly and everyone else laughs even more than they did before. George looks angry and frustrated, even on the verge of tears for a second, then something occurs to him.)   GEORGE: Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.   (George looks round, smiling arrogantly, expecting laughter. But there is a deep, uncomfortable, silence. Reilly, looks stony-faced. McAdam stands and leans over to speak in George's ear.)   MCADAM: His wife is in a coma.   (George looks sick.)     [Hospital Room]   (Kramer lies in bed, asleep. Jerry sits in a chair, reading a newspaper. There's a knock at the door and Elaine enters, carrying a VCR.)   ELAINE: (to Jerry) Hi. (indicating Kramer) How's he doing?   JERRY: He's been sleeping a lot. He's still groggy.   ELAINE: Oh. (puts the VCR down) I thought a movie might cheer him up. I got him a Gene pick.   JERRY: What happened to Vincent?   ELAINE: (evasive) I'm kinda off of him. (looking around) Uh, outlet?   (Jerry points to the wall beside Kramer's bed.)   ELAINE: Ah.   (Elaine walks over and sees both sockets are full. She takes hold of one of the plugs and yanks it out of the socket with a grunt. The grunt wakes Kramer, who looks groggily around and sees Elaine standing holding the plug, as if she's just unplugged his life support. He stares, bug-eyed and shrieks in terror.)   KRAMER: (screaming) Waahhh!!!     [Insert]   (A plane landing, with the caption 'NEW YORK, NEW YORK'.)     [George's Car]   (Once again, George drives along, frustrated and angry.)   GEORGE: 'My wife's in a coma.' Yeah? Well, the life support machine called and...   (He tails off, as he can't think of anywhere to go. Then a look of enlightenment comes to George's face, as he thinks of something.)   GEORGE: (shouts) Wait! Yes! That's what I should've said! (frustration) D'ohh!   (George looks gutted for a second, then a determined expression comes to his face. He swings the car round with a squeal of tires, and heads back towards the airport.)   GEORGE: (cocky laughter) Huh haha! (shouts) You're meat, Reilly! You just screwed yourself! (laughter) Ha ha!    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 156 - The Summer of George  pc: 822 season 8, episode 22  Broadcast date: May 15, 1997   Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ......................  Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus .............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards .................. Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Raquel Welch ........................ Herself  Molly Shannon ...................... Sam  Amanda Peet ........................ Lanette  Joe Urla ................................ Dugan  Victor Raider-Wexler ............ Doctor  Peter Dennis ......................... Lew  Tucker Smallwood ............... Malcolm  Wayne Wilderson ................ Walter  Blake Gibbons ...................... Lyle  Adrian Sparks ..................... Man  Jane A. Johnston .................. Woman  Lauren Bowles ..................... Waitress  Sue Goodman ....................... Clerk  Neil Flynn ............................. Cop #1  Tom Michael Bailey ............... Cop #2  Denise Bessette .................... Therapist  Dave Mandel ........................ Himself  rc: John O'Hurley .................. J. Peterman   ==================================================================   [George and Jerry at a café terrace]   JERRY: Nah, you had a good run. Took them to the World Series.   GEORGE: I got to give the players most of the credit for that.   JERRY: Don't sell yourself short. You made all the flight arrangements, hotels, busses.   GEORGE: No, I don't know who was doing that.   JERRY: So, when you actually did work, what it was that you did?   GEORGE: They had a pastry cart you wouldn't believe.   (Waitress (Lanette) comes with drinks)   LANETTE: Here you go. Your latté, your cappuccino.   (Waitress leaves)   JERRY: Maybe I should ask her out?   GEORGE: She is a good waitress.   JERRY: That's true. Maybe I take her to the Tony's.   GEORGE: You're going to the Tony's?   JERRY: Yeah, I wrote some jokes to the show and they gave me two tickets.   GEORGE: Why didn't you ask me? I know a million theater jokes. 'What's the deal with those guys down in the pit?'   JERRY: They're musicians. That's not a joke.   GEORGE: It's a funny observation.   (George reads a letter)   GEORGE: Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay for doing nothing.   JERRY: They did it for three years. What's another few months.   GEORGE: I'm really going to do something with these three months.   JERRY: Like what?   GEORGE: I'm gonna read a book. From beginning to end. In that order.   JERRY: I've always wanted to do that...   GEORGE: I'm gonna play frolf.   JERRY: You mean golf?   GEORGE: Frolf, frisbee golf Jerry. Golf with a frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!   (A bee comes and George has to runaway to inside)     [Elaine's office. She and two co-workers are chatting in a corridor.]   ELAINE: ...and then Peterman ate it. I never told him.   (A woman comes walking by, with her hands hanging still besides her.)   ELAINE: Who's that?   DUGAN: That's Sam, the new girl in the counting.   WALTER: What's with her arms? They just hang like salamis.   DUGAN: She walks like orangutan.   ELAINE: Better call the zoo.   DUGAN: Reer...   ELAINE: What?   WALTER: ssssss...   DUGAN: Cat-ty...     [Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine. George is watching TV.]   ELAINE: It's like she's carrying invisible suitcases.   JERRY: Like this? (imitates the walk)   ELAINE: Yes, exactly.   JERRY: That's so strange.   ELAINE: Right. So why I'm the one who gets 'reer'. You know I mean they were being as catty as I was. It's a double standard.   JERRY: Oh, what about 'ladies night'? Women admitted free before 10?   ELAINE: That is so stupid.   JERRY: Reer.   GEORGE: Hey, 'The White Shadow' is on...   JERRY: Boy, your really packing it all in.   GEORGE: Jerry, my vacation just started. I need a day or two to de-compress. Besides, I did plenty today.   JERRY: Like what?   GEORGE: I bought a new recliner with a fridge build right in to it.   (Kramer enters wearing a bathrobe)   KRAMER: Hey Jerry, you got any Tums?   JERRY: Stomach ache?   KRAMER: I drank too much water in the shower.   JERRY: Aah, top of the fridge. Hey George, I'm taking that waitress to the Tony's.   GEORGE: Shadow!   KRAMER: Oh, the Tony's. I'll see you there buddy.   ELAINE: You're going to the Tony's too?   KRAMER: Roger that.   JERRY: Where are you sitting?   KRAMER: Well, all over the place. Yeah, I'm a seat filler. They don't like to see empty seats on TV so when somebody gets up I just park my kaboos on their spot until they get back.   ELAINE: How did you get that job?   KRAMER: Mickey, Mickey he hooked me up. He's a member of the academy.   JERRY: What academy?   KRAMER: Well, he didn't say (leaves).     [Jerry comes to pick up Lanette]   LANETTE: Hi!   JERRY: Hi!   LANETTE: Nice tuxedo.   JERRY: Thanks, it's a breakaway.   LANETTE: Should we go?   JERRY: Absolutely.   LANETTE: Lyle, were going! Jerry, this is Lyle.   LYLE: Hey, how you doing?   JERRY: Ok...   (Lyle and Lanette kiss)   LANETTE: Bye.   LYLE: Have a good time.   JERRY: Thanks, Lyle...     [At the Tony's. Kramer is looking a place to fill. One man stands up.]   KRAMER: Are you leaving? Cause I got you covered.   (man tries to button his jacket and Kramer squeezes to his seat)   KRAMER: I'll just squeeze in...   MAN: What are you doing?   KRAMER: My job. What are you doing?   (Kramer looks at the woman next to him)   KRAMER: You know, if they catch two of us on TV, you got some explaining to do.   (Same time Jerry and the waitress are sitting elsewhere.)   JERRY: So, you and Lyle are roommates?   LANETTE: No.   JERRY: Gay?   LANETTE: What?   JERRY: Is he gay?   LANETTE: No.   JERRY: Are you sure?   LANETTE: I think I would know.   JERRY: (to himself) This is a new one.   KRAMER: (to woman next to him) Pemmican turkey? Come on take a bite...well more for me.   (Kramer takes a bite and hits the man in front of him in the head. Then points the blame to lady next to him.)   ANNOUNCER: ...and the best musical award goes to: Scarsdale surprise!   (People around Kramer stand up and roll on to the stage taking Kramer with them.)   (George is at home watching the show on TV and takes a soda out of his new recliner.)   GEORGE: Kramer?   (TV shows the producers and Kramer accepting the award on stage.)   MR. GRAHAM: (on TV) Thank you and God bless you all. This has truly been a Scarsdale surprise!     [At Monk's. Elaine and Sam.]   SAM: Elaine, am I crazy? I just get the feeling that Dugan and the others are making fun of me all the time.   ELAINE: Well, You might wanna think about...maybe, eh...moving your arms a little when you walk.   SAM: My arms?   ELAINE: You know, sort of swing them, so your not lurching around like a caveman.   SAM: I a caveman?   ELAINE: No no no no, it's just...   SAM: Everybody told what a catty shrude you are. Your horrible!     [5A. Jerry and George.]   GEORGE: She had a dude?   JERRY: Yeah, when I went to pick her up there was this dude.   GEORGE: How do you know it was her dude?   JERRY: What do you think it could've been just some dude?   GEORGE: Sure, dudes in this town are dime a dozen.   JERRY: I reckon.   GEORGE: Or maybe, she just wanted to go to the Tony's. I tell you what; you ask her out again. No Tony, just Jerry. That way you know it he was her dude or just some dude.   JERRY: Dude!   (They make a high five.)   GEORGE: All right, that's enough. I gotta go home and take a nap.   JERRY: It's 10:30 in the morning?   GEORGE: I tell you; I'm wiped.   JERRY: So, has the summer of George already started or are you still de-composing?   GEORGE: De-compressing.   (Kramer enters wearing a tuxedo and carrying a Tony statue.)   KRAMER: Whooa, good morning gentleman and Tony says hello to you.   JERRY: You didn't give that thing back?   KRAMER: Jerry, it was a whirlwind. They whisked us backstage, the media is sworming, champagne is flowing...whooo! I can't describe how great it is to win.   JERRY: That's because you didn't win.   GEORGE: 'Scarsdale surprise'. That's the musical about that Scarsdale diet doctor murder.   KRAMER: Featuring the mind-blowing performance of Ms. Raquel Welch!   JERRY: You haven't even seen it.   KRAMER: Aah, Jerry I'm not gonna let you bring me down from this high. I've been partying all night. I saw the sunrise at Liza's!   GEORGE: What, Minelli's!?!   KRAMER: No.     [Elaine's office. She is at her desk talking to Sam.]   ELAINE: Sam, listen I'm so sorry about the other day.   SAM: No, don't apologize Elaine. I was thinking that maybe I should swing my arms a little bit more.   ELAINE: See, yeah, that's all I was saying.   SAM: How's this (Sam hits a pen case out of the table), or this (swings a paper holder of the table and starts to clear the table left and right).   ELAINE: Well, you seem to be getting a hang of it...     [Jerry is picking up Lanette again. She opens the door wearing a towel.]   JERRY: Hi!   LANETTE: Sorry, I'm running late. I just lost track of time.   JERRY: No rush.   (Lyle walks by wearing a towel.)   LYLE: Hey, Jerry! What's up?   JERRY: (to himself) I have absolutely no idea.     [5A. Jerry is on the phone with George who is at home.]   (missing the beginning)   JERRY: ..except that the dude plays the showroom and I'm stuck doing food and beveridged!   (Kramer comes in with the Tony.)   GEORGE: Who's that?   JERRY: It's Kramer.   GEORGE: Hey Kramer.   JERRY: George says hi.   KRAMER: (shouts to the telephone) Hi George!   GEORGE: How's that Tony?   JERRY: Why don't you just come over?   GEORGE: Why can't we do this on the phone? What's Kramer doing now?   JERRY: He's looking on to fridgerator.   GEORGE: Kramer. Anything good in there? Any Popsicles?   JERRY: I can't do this.   KRAMER: So, what's George doing?   JERRY: He's not doing anything. Goodbye!   KRAMER: So listen, I'm going to crab a bite to eat at Sardi's. You wanna go?   JERRY: Are you taking the Tony to Sardi's?   KRAMER: The Tony is taking me to Sardi's.   (Knock on the door. Jerry opens and it's Lanette.)   JERRY: Oh, hello.   KRAMER: I'm going.   LANETTE: Congratulations!   KRAMER: Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I have so many people I want to thank and don't want to forget anyone...   JERRY: All right, all right.   (Phone rings and Jerry answers.)   JERRY: I said no! (hangs up the phone.)   LANETTE: Jerry, I just want to let you know; Lyle and I are completely over. I'd rather be with you.   JERRY: Just me? No dudes or fellas?   LANETTE: What you think?   JERRY: I can start right away.   (Phone rings again.)   JERRY: But not here. (They leave.)   JERRY'S ANSWERING MACHINE: 'I'm not here, leave a message.'   GEORGE: (on the answering machine) Jerry, what's happening? Come on, pick up the phone.     [At Sardi's. Kramer is sitting with a group of people.]   KRAMER: ...so I said to him: Arthur, Artie come on, why does the salesman have to die? Change the title; The life of a salesman. That's what people want to see.   MR. GRAHAM: Mr. Kramer, my name is Lewis Maxton Graham. I'm one of the producers of 'Scarsdale surprise'.   KRAMER: Hey, eh, Lew!   MR. GRAHAM: We need to talk.     [Elaine is talking to Peterman at her office.]   PETERMAN: Elaine, what did you want to talk me about?   ELAINE: This. My office. Sam trashed my office.   PETERMAN: Well, I see what's going on in here. I am smack dab in the middle of a good old fashioned cat fight.   ELAINE: Mr. Petermen, this is not a cat fight. This is violent psychotic behavior directed at me all because are told her to swing her arms.   PETERMAN: Woof!   ELAINE: Do you mean "reer?"   PETERMAN: Yes, that's the one! Good day Elaine. (Leaves.)   ELAINE: Oh, no please Mr. Peterman, she's crazy! (Sam walks by and Elaine starts to sing) Crazy for feelings...     [At Monk's. Jerry and Lanette.]   JERRY: I can't believe how much we did this afternoon. I have friends who this would've be their whole life.   LANETTE: Now, what time are you picking me up tonight?   JERRY: Eh, what?   LANETTE: You got our reservation from Sfuzi's, didn't you?   JERRY: Oh yeah, Sfuzi? I- I've gotta do that.   LANETTE: Should I ware the outfit I bought today?   JERRY: Sure.   LANETTE: Which one?   JERRY: The one with the...(mumbles.)   LANETTE: If I wanna get my hair cut I've gotta go now. Call me when you get home. I wont be there, but leave a message so I know you called.   JERRY: Ok, ok...   LANETTE: Do you mind?   JERRY: No, I'll crab it.   (Lanette leaves and Jerry bangs his head to the table. George walks in.)   GEORGE: Hey, I've done that today.   JERRY: What, did you lose your remote?   GEORGE: Nah, the cable's out. What's with you? You look dead.   JERRY: It's Lanette! I need an assistant or intern or something.   GEORGE: (Laughs) Relationship intern...hey, what if two of us teamed up?   JERRY: Not.   GEORGE: No, no...   JERRY: No, because that's...   GEORGE: No, listen; we are always sitting here, I am always helping you with your girl problems and you are helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up?   JERRY: Here.   GEORGE: Exactly! Because neither one of us can't handle a woman all by ourselves.   JERRY: I'm trying.   GEORGE: I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe the two of us, working together at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man.   JERRY: Then each of us would only have be like a half man. That sounds about right!     [Kramer at Sardi's, talking with two producers.]   MR. GRAHAM: I'm sure how excited you are to have this very very prestigious award. But you didn't have anything to do with the actual production.   KRAMER: No.   MR. GRAHAM: I don't think there's no way how we can allow you to keep this Tony. Unless...   KRAMER: Anything...   MALCOLM: Are you familiar with our star, Raquel Welch?   KRAMER: Oh yeah, she's fantastic....   MR. GRAHAM: She's a train wreck.   MALCOLM: There's a big tap dance number just before Jean Harris leaves the (?) school to confront Dr Tarnover.   MR. GRAHAM: It is a gut wrenching scene.   MALCOLM: But, Raquel Welch doesn't move her arms when she tap dances. It's very distracting.   MR. GRAHAM: There's lot of this (swings his arms) in tap dancing.   KRAMER: So, you'd like me to teach how to dance?   MALCOLM: No, we want you to fire her.     [5A. Jerry and Kramer.]   JERRY: Why they want you to fire Raquel Welch?   KRAMER: Because they're terrified of her. I heard from someone that when they cut one of her lines, she climbed up the rope on side of the stage and started dropping lights on peoples heads. Story like that has got to be true.   JERRY: She seems very nice.   KRAMER: Jerry, you're not in show business. You don't know what these people are like.   JERRY: I'm in show business.   KRAMER: Oh, come on! What am I gonna do? She's going to eat me alive.   JERRY: I've got a tape of 'Fantastic voyage' if you think that would help.   KRAMER: Yayaya...   (Elaine enters.)   ELAINE: Jerry, that crazy straight-armed woman down at Peterman's trashed my office. And then listen to this; this is message she left me.   (Takes a tape recorder and plays the tape.)   SAM'S VOICE: Elaine...I am going to find you. If not in your office then in the xerox room or the little conference room near to the kitchen...   ELAINE: She must've got a blueprint of the building or something.   JERRY: Did you tell Peterman about this?   ELAINE: Well, I tried, but he thought it was some sort of cat fight.   KRAMER: Cat fight?   ELAINE: Ok, why? Why do guys do this? What is so appealing to men about a cat fight?   KRAMER: Yeye cat fight!   JERRY: Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other there's a chance they might somehow kiss.   KRAMER: T-t-t-t...     [Jerry and George are walking down the street.]   JERRY: You got the tickets?   GEORGE: Yeah, two for the 7:15 of Novaj pravas (?). What you're wearing the green sweater?   JERRY: I like it.   GEORGE: She doesn't like. Here is your blue one, it's her favorite. (Takes sweater out of his bag.)   JERRY: What?   GEORGE: Just put it on! All right now, remember she had her nails done today so remark how you like the color. And if you need me you beep me, all right. Here you go, hey, hey, hey, hey...(sprays Binaca into Jerry's mouth.) Go get'em you're a tiger!   JERRY: Hey George, one second, she's having a party friday night and she wants me to take care of the invitations.   GEORGE: A little notice would've helped! How many people?   JERRY: 35, and George, on the invitations...   GEORGE: I know, I know...don't skimp. Go go go go...   (Jerry leaves and Lanette joins him.)   LANETTE: Right on time, I like that.   JERRY: I like your nails, that is a great color.   LANETTE: Love the sweater.   JERRY: This old thing?     [George is getting the invitations, Melody Stationers.]   GEORGE: Hi, I need some party invitations.   CLERK: Okay, have you been in here before?   GEORGE: About a year ago. Wedding invitations.   CLERK: Right, how did that all work out?   GEORGE: No complaints.   CLERK: Well, they are arranged according the price. And as I recall...(she flips the sample book all the way to the end.)   GEORGE: Actually, (George flips the book back to the beginning) I'll take these nice glossy ones.     [Majestic theater, Raquel Welch's dressing room.]   RAQUEL: "You are a fraud Dr Tarnover. You haven't even been to Scarsdale."   (Kramer knocks on the door and enters.)   KRAMER: Ms. Welch.   RAQUEL: Who are you?   KRAMER: Well, I'm Cosmo Kramer, I'm one of the producers.   (Phone rings and Raquel answers.)   RAQUEL: Hello, Sidney! No, no I told you I don't want to do that! If you bring it up again I will feed your genitals to a wolf! (hangs up) Kids! You're still here.   KRAMER: Well, I- I Ms. Welch I do need to talk to you about a little problem regarding, eh, your performance.   (Raquel kicks a chair out of her way.)   RAQUEL: What kind of problem?   KRAMER: Well, it seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters of this fragmenting of the audience to the cable television, carnivals, water parks...   RAQUEL: Out with it!   KRAMER: Well, you're fired because you don't move your arms when you tap dance, you're like a gorilla out there I've gotta go...   (Kramer runs out, but Raquel grabs him from the back.)     [George walks at the park with the invitations. A frisbee flies to his feet.]   GUY: Little help?   GEORGE: Hey, frolf?   GUY: Yeah, you know we need a fourth for the back nine. You want in?   (George looks up and sees Jerry on the other side and frisbee on the other. Jerry says: "What's the deal with airplane peanuts?")   GEORGE: Yeah, sure.   GUY: Ok, come on.     [Jerry is at Lanette's apartment. They are both wearing a towel.]   JERRY: Ok, let's towel it up.   LANETTE: Jerry, where are those invitations you were supposed to get? If they don't go out today they're useless.   JERRY: But we're in towels.   LANETTE: Jerry.   JERRY: all right. One second.   (Picks up the phone.)   (George runs up the stairs)   GEORGE: He frolfs, he scores...(he drops one invitation on the stairs.)   (George comes to his apartment and picks up the phone.)   GEORGE: Hello.   JERRY: George, where are those invitations? You were supposed to leave them with her doorman!   LANETTE: Did you shave your chest hair?   JERRY: No. (Lanette leaves.) Did you at least pick them up?   GEORGE: Yeah, the super glossy. The best they had.   JERRY: Ok, get them over here pronto. We're in towels here George.   GEORGE: All right, All right, keep your towel on.   JERRY:...what?   GEORGE: It's a joke.   JERRY: All right, that's not bad. Now get over here!   (George leaves from his apartment and comes down the stairs. He slips on an invitation and falls on his back.)     [Elaine is on the street and plays a tape to two police officers.]   SAM'S VOICE: (on the tape)...if not in your apartment then in the laundry room or the ATM in the building across the street or the watch shop!   ELAINE: Can't you do anything about this? I mean this woman is a psycho!   COP #1: 'Reer.'   ELAINE: Look, just because I'm a woman...   COP #2: 'Mauau.'   COP #1: 'Meeow.'   (Raquel Welch walks down the street.)   RAQUEL: I don't move my arms when I dance. That's my signature!   ELAINE: Would you just keep an eye out for this woman. She's about ye high and eh, she doesn't swing her arms when she walks.   COP #1: What do you mean?   ELAINE: Like this...(imitates the walk with her arms hanging.)   (Raquel Welch comes towards her.)   RAQUEL: What the hell is that? Are you making fun of my dancing?   ELAINE: Aren't you Raquel Welch?   RAQUEL: You know who I am. Now, what are you doing?   ELAINE: Nothing, I wasn't just moving my arms...   RAQUEL: That's it, you are going down.   COP #1: Ooh, cat fight.     [The New York Hospital. Jerry and Kramer.]   KRAMER: So how's George?   JERRY: I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that? (Kramer holds a broken Tony)   KRAMER: Tony.   JERRY: What happened to you?   KRAMER: Raquel Welch!   JERRY: Yikes.   (Elaine comes. She has a scars on her face.)   JERRY: What happened to you?   ELAINE: Raquel Welch!   KRAMER: The woman is a menace.   ELAINE: Yeah, I bumped in to her on the street. It got pretty ugly.   JERRY: Cat fight with Raquel Welch.   KRAMER: Yey eye ca-catfight.   (George is wheeled in on a hospital bed.)   ELAINE: My god, George!   GEORGE: I slipped on the invitations...how's the towels?   JERRY: Back on the rack.   GEORGE: With the two of us?   JERRY: I think we're still a man short.   (Doctor comes.)   DOCTOR: Mr. Costanza. ..your legs have sustained extensive trauma. Apparently your body was in the state of advanced atrophy, due to a period of extreme inactivity. But with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, I think there's a good chance you may, one day, walk again.   (Doctor leaves.)   KRAMER: Well, that's good news.   ELAINE: Wow, invitations again...   KRAMER: Yeah, that's weird.   ELAINE: All right, well...you want to grab some coffee?   JERRY: Yeah...   KRAMER: I'd like to get some coffee.   (Jerry, Kramer and Elaine leave.)   GEORGE: This was supposed to be 'The summer of George'! The summer of George.     [George is at the hospital physical therapy, trying to walk, leaning on parallel bars. Next to him, Sam tries to walk with swinging her arms.]   THERAPIST: Now, swing them...swing...swing them, just swing them.   SAM: I can't do it. It's hard!   (George is at end of the bars and falls down. He tries to get up.)   GEORGE: Still a little summer left.    The End<|endoftext|>Episode 114 - The Wink  pc: 704, season 7, episode 4  Broadcast date: October 12, 1995   Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld .......................  Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander ..................  George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ..............  Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ..................  Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Tom Wright ......................... Mr. Morgan  Stacey Travis ....................... Holly  Brian McNamara ................. James  Ian Patrick Williams ............. Stubs  Paul O'Neill ......................... Himself  Thomas Dekker .................. Bobby  Clive Rosengren .................. Waiter  Larry David..........................Voice of George Steinbrenner  rc: Richard Herd ................. Wilhelm   ==================================================================   [Elaine's bedroom - phone rings]   ELAINE: Hello   JAMES: This is your wake up service. It's 7:15   ELAINE: Oh, god. OH, I could use a few more hours sleep.   JAMES: Hot date last night?   ELAINE: I wish.   JAMES: A woman with a sexy voice like yours its hard to believe your waking up alone.   ELAINE: Really? Thank you., wake up service . . . person.   JAMES: Call me James.   ELAINE: Oh, all right, James. He he he     [Monks]   GEORGE: Your wake up guy asked you out?   ELAINE: Yeah, I've never seen him but I feel like we have this weirdly intimate relationship. I mean, I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing my nightie,   JERRY: I don't know. Blind date?   ELAINE: What? You're going to go out with my cousin Holly. You've never met her.   JERRY: Yeah, but I've seen pictures of her.   ELAINE: At least I've spoken to my guy. You're going out on a deaf date.   JERRY: I think I'd rather go out on a deaf date than a blind date. The question is whether you'd rather date the blind or the deaf.   ELAINE: Ah, . . .   GEORGE: Now you're off on a topic.   JERRY: You know, I think, I would rather date the deaf.   ELAINE: Uh hu.   JERRY: Because I think the blind would probably be a little messier around the house. And lets face it they're not going to get all the crumbs. I'd possibly be walking around with a sponge.   GEORGE: You see I disagree. I'd rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her.   ELAINE: I think she'd figure it out.   (waitress places plates on the table)   ELAINE: What? What is this?   JERRY: Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit.   ELAINE: Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit? What are you turning into?   JERRY: A healthy person.   GEORGE: ( rubbing his eye) Ow, Ow you squirted me.   JERRY: Oh, sorry   GEORGE: Boy, it stings.     [Yankee Stadium]   WILHELM: George, have you seen Morgan?   GEORGE: No.   WILHELM: He's been coming in late all week. Is there something wrong?   GEORGE: No, not that I know of. (winks)   WILHELM: Really? Make sure he signs this. Oh, look George, if there's a problem with Morgan you can tell me.   GEORGE: Morgan? No. He's doing a great job. (winks)   WILHELM: I understand.     [Jerry's apartment]   JERRY: I still can't believe, you're going out on a blind date.   ELAINE: I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking.   JERRY: You're going by sound? What are we? Whales?   ELAINE: I think I can tell.   JERRY: Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?   ELAINE: Twenty-five percent.   JERRY: Twenty-five percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a twenty to one shot.   ELAINE: You're way off.   JERRY: Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.   ELAINE: So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?   JERRY: UNDATEABLE!   ELAINE: Then how are all these people getting together?   JERRY: Alcohol.   ELAINE: (to George who is winking) What is your problem?   GEORGE: No problem here.   ELAINE: You keep winking at me. That's really obnoxious.   GEORGE: I had no idea.   ELAINE: Right there. Right there. You just did it again.   GEORGE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. It's from that grapefruit that Jerry squirted at me.   ELAINE: You're eye still hurts?   GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. You must have squirted a piece of pulp in it too.   JERRY: Pulp couldn't make it across the table.   GEORGE: Pulp can move, Baby! Why didn't you eat a real breakfast?   JERRY: Hey, I eat healthy. If I have to take out an eye, that's the breaks.   GEORGE: Wait a minute. I must have been winking down at the office. That's why Mr. Wilhelm was acting so mysteriouso.   ELAINE: What did he think, you were flirtin' with him?   GEORGE: Hu, oh. No he thought I was hiding something from him about Morgan.   (Kramer enters)   KRAMER: Hi guys.   JERRY: Hi,   KRAMER: Hello Archie, Veronica, Mr. Weatherbee. . . . Is this Don Matingly's signature?   GEORGE: Yeah.   KRAMER: And Buck Showalter's?   GEORGE: It's an inter-office envelope. It get passed around all over the office.   KRAMER: Um, can I show this to my buddy Stubbs . He runs a sports memorabilia store. He pays top dollar for pro autographs.   GEORGE: Yeah, like I'm going to risk my job with the New York Yankees to make a few extra bucks. (winks)   KRAMER: No, of course not. (winks back)     [Sports Memorabilia Shop]   KRAMER: You know, you see Don Matingly signed this envelope then he sent it to room 318, where it was received and signed for by manager Buck Showalter.   STEINBRENNER: I don't know. An envelope doesn't really cut it.   KRAMER: Why?   STEINBRENNER: What is this? A birthday card. Ha ha . . . signed by the ENTIRE Yankee organization! . . . This could be worth something.     [Yankee Stadium]   GEORGE: Is that the lovely Mrs. Morgan?   MORGAN: Hello.   MORGAN: Oh, by the way, have you got that birthday card?   GEORGE: Birthday card?   MORGAN: Mr. Steinbrenner's birthday card. Wilhem said you had it for me to sign.   GEORGE: Oh ah, I uh, will have that for you by after lunch.   MORGAN: Fine. I'll be back after my massage.   GEORGE: Of course. Your massage. (winks) Enjoy your massage. (winks)     [Monk's - Elaine sitting alone]   ELAINE: Hello.   James: Elaine?   ELAINE: James! Ah, ha, Hello! Phew!     [Old Homestead Steak House]   HOLLY: I can't believe you've never taken anybody here before.   JERRY: Well, I'm not really that much of a meat eater.   HOLLY: . . . You don't eat meat? Are you one of those. . .   JERRY: Well, no, I'm not one of those.   HOLLY: When we were little girls Grandma Memma would take us to a matinee and then dinner here.   JERRY: Grandma Memma?   HOLLY: Elaine must have mentioned Grandma Memma.   JERRY: No, I think I would have remembered Memma.   HOLLY: Oh well, that's typical. Elaine never liked Grandma Memma.   WAITER: Ready?   HOLLY: I'll have the porterhouse medium rare, baked potato with sour cream,   JERRY: What do you recommend besides the steak?   WAITER: The lamb chops are good.   JERRY: Anything lighter? How do you prepare the chicken?   WAITER: It's a full bird. Stuffed with ham, topped with gorganzola.   JERRY: You know what? I think I'll just have the salad.   WAITER: . . . Thank you.   JERRY: (mind's voice) Just a salad? Just a salad? Just a salad?     [Outside of Monk's - James unties his dogs]   JAMES: Hey you, hey you.   ELAINE: Oh, uh, ha, you've got dogs?   JAMES: Yeah, you know, when you live alone, you're dogs are all you have. Do you like dogs?   ELAINE: (mind's voice from - … ) SHUT UP! YOU STUPID LITTLE MUT !   ELAINE: Dogs. Oh I love dogs.   JAMES: Boys, this is Elaine. . . . Sorry, they're usually very friendly. Hey!     [Yankee Stadium]   GEORGE: Hey, Mr. Morgan how was your massage?   MORGAN: I had to cancel it. For some reason my wife got it into her head that it was more than just a massage.   GEORGE: Really?   MORGAN: Yeah, we had this big fight at lunch it looks like tonight I will be sleeping on the couch.   GEORGE: Hey, listen don't oversleep. You can't afford to be late again.   MORGAN: I know. Somebody around here has been giving Wilhelm the impression that I have been slacking off.   GEORGE: Geez, Hey you know something, you should try my friend's wake up service. She swears by this thing.   MORGAN: Costanza, you may be my only friend around here. By the way, you got that birthday card?   GEORGE: Ah, not yet.   MORGAN: Just make sure Steinbrenner doesn't get it until I sign it.   GEORGE: Yes sir!     [Jerry's apartment]   ELAINE: I just don't understand it as soon as I met these dogs they started growling at me.   JERRY: Maybe his dogs heard about how you tried to kidnap that other dog. These muts like to gossip. So have you talked too Holly?   ELAINE: Huh huh.   JERRY: Did she mention anything about our lunch?   ELAINE: Uh, kind of.   JERRY: What do you mean, "kind of."?   ELAINE: I mean, she thought it was kind of strange to just order a salad. . . . You know. . . . For a man.   JERRY: What are you saying? . . . Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters.   ELAINE: You got that right.   JERRY: But you're going over there for dinner tonight, right?   ELAINE: Um uh.   JERRY: What is she making?   ELAINE: I don't know. But I'm sure it had, . . . parents. Call her up. She won't mind if you come.   JERRY: Oh, don't worry. I'll be there and I'll be packing an artery.   (Kramer's door - George knocks)   KRAMER: Ah, Mr. Weatherbee.   GEORGE: You got the Yankee envelope?   KRAMER: Sure do.   GEORGE: oh,   KRAMER: Here you go.   GEORGE: Hey, he,   KRAMER: You'll be pleased to see what's inside.   GEORGE: What is this?   KRAMER: You're cut of the loot. Stubs gave me 200 dollars for the autographed birthday card that was inside.   GEORGE: Who told you to sell the card?   KRAMER: You did.   GEORGE: No I didn't!   KRAMER: No, not in so many words but I believe we had an understanding. (winks)   GEORGE: I was not winking you idiot. That was the grapefruit. It's like acid. I need that card back. It's Mr. Steinbrenner's. I was responsible.   KRAMER: Well Stubs has already sold it to some guy who's kid's in the hospital .   GEORGE: Well get it back! It's very important. (winks)   KRAMER: Look, do you want me to get it back or not?   GEORGE: (holds eyes wide open) Get it back!     [Holly's apartment]   ELAINE: Such a lovely table setting. Oh, wear did you get these napkins?   HOLLY: They're grandma Memma's.   ELAINE: Oh, I don't remember them.   HOLLY: Oh, you wouldn't. She only used them on special occasions.   ELAINE: Special occassions? It wasn't special when my family visited?   HOLLY: Everybody like mutton?   JERRY: Um, mutton! Hope you didn't cut the fat off.     [Hospital room]   KRAMER: That you Bobby?   BOBBY: huh   KRAMER: Well, I heard that you have a very uh, special birthday card .with all the Yankee autographs on it.   BOBBY: Sure do. Mister.   KRAMER: Oh, that's it, yeah. Boy, Stubs sure went to town with this thing huh? Yeah, well, Bobby, uh, what if I told you a very important person at the New York Yankees needed this card back.   BOBBY: Oh, no. I'd never part with this card for anything in the world.   KRAMER: Well, uh, Bobby, uh, who's your favorite Yankee.   BOBBY: Paul O'Neill.   KRAMER: All right. What if I tell Paul O'Neill to hit a home run tomorrow, just for you.   BOBBY: Would he? Paul O'Neill would do that?   KRAMER: For you he would.   BOBBY: Would he hit two home runs?   KRAMER: Two? Sure kid, yeah. But then you gotta promise you'll do something for me.   BOBBY: I know. Get out of this bed one day and walk again.   KRAMER: Yeah, that would be nice. But I really just need this card.     [Holly's apartment]   ELAINE: What about this candelabra?   HOLLY: Yeah, that was grandma Memma's also. She bought it on her trip to Europe in 1936. Jerry, I'm thrilled you like my mutton. I was afrais you only ate . . . salad.   JERRY: Hey, salad's got nothin' on this mutton.   HOLLY: That is so funny. Did you just make that up?   JERRY: I wish I could take credit for it. It's actually the line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat. How about that beautiful desk over there? (hides meat in napkin in jacket)   HOLLY: That was in Grandma's study.   ELAINE: What did you do, ransack the place after she died?   JERRY: This is some FINE mutton.   ELAINE: I'm getting out of here. Can I borrow your jacket?   JERRY: Uh, well, uh the thing is that . . . (Jerry grabs jacket back)   ELAINE: It's cold out, and I didn't bring my own. Jerry! God forbid I should borrow one from Holly. It might have belonged to grandma Memma. Thanks for mutton.     [On the street - dogs following Elaine]   ELAINE: Down boy, nice doggy . I'm a nice person. Don't believe what you hear.     [Holly's]   HOLLY: Where are the napkins?   JERRY: What?   HOLLY: Grandma Memma's napkins. There's two missing. Elaine took them didn't she?   JERRY: I don't know about that. Have you got any floss?   HOLLY: You heard her. She coveted them. I bet she took them just to spite me. She's probably having a good laugh about it right now.     [On the street dogs chasing Elaine]   ELAINE: Down doggy . oh oh a a a a a     [James' apartment]   JERRY: Elaine, what are you doing in this neighborhood?   ELAINE: Did you do with the dogs?   JERRY: Yeah, they're in the kitchen. . . . okay, quite! What's going on?   ELAINE: These dogs were chasing me. And no cab would stop and I had to get off the street. Then I remembered that you lived here.   JERRY: Why were dogs chasing you?   ELAINE: They just don't like me. It's a long story. I can tell you one day but I can't tell you right now.   JERRY: I would askk you to stay tonight but I only have the sofa bed and it's where I sleep.   ELAINE: We'll have to sleep head to toe.   JERRY: Head to toe?   ELAINE: Head to toe.     [The next morning at James']   ELAINE: Hey, wake up. It's 8:30 you were supposed to walk me up at 7:15.   JERRY: I'm sorry I didn't get any sleep you kept kicking me in the face.   ELAINE: You're a wake up guy. Don't you have calls to make?   JERRY: I'll make them later. Uh.   (Mr. Morgan's - he's asleep on the couch)     [Yankee Stadium - George's office]   WILHELM: Have you seen Morgan?   GEORGE: He's not here?   WILHELM: No, He's late.   GEORGE: It's impossible. I got him a wake up service.   WILHELM: Now, George, you don't have to cover for him any more. He's going to be gone soon and I'm going to recommend you for his job.   GEORGE: . . . gone?     [Monk's]   JERRY: It sounds like all the winking got you a promotion.   GEORGE: I don't want Morgan's job. He's got a lot of work to do. Hey, Elaine, your friend never woke up Mr. Morgan.   ELAINE: Nah, he was tired. He had some feet in his face. My cousin Holly is completely insane. She keeps calling and accusing me of stealing her napkins.   GEORGE: Napkins?   ELAINE: I mean, why? Why would I take her stupid napkins.   JERRY: Because they were in the pockets of my jacket.   ELAINE: They were?   JERRY: Yes. I was using them to spit out the mutton.   ELAINE: Spit it out? I had dogs chasing me for that mutton. I was almost mauled because of that mutton.   GEORGE: What exactly is mutton?   JERRY: I don't know and I didn't want to find out. So where is my jacket?   ELAINE: Oh, I must have left it at Jame's   JERRY: You spent the night at James's? Did we?   ELAINE: Yeah but we reversed positions so there was no funny business.   JERRY: Reversed positions?   ELAINE: Yeah, you know, head to toe.   JERRY: So what your genitals are still lined up.   ELAINE: No, because I slept with my back to him.   (long pause - no comment from the guys)     [Yankee Stadium]   KRAMER: Mr. O'Neill?   O'NEILL: Yeah.   KRAMER: Yeah, uh, look, you don't know me.   O'NEILL: I can give you an autograph there, but my pen's kind of screwed up. You'd only like half a "P" or something.   KRAMER: No, it's uh, not that see,. It's about a little boy in a hospital. I was wondering if you could do something to lift his spirits.   O'NEILL: Sure, I could help you there.   KRAMER: Sure, well I promised you would hit him two home runs.   O'NEILL: Say what?   KRAMER: You know, Klick!. A couple of dingers.   O'NEILL: You promised a kid in the hospital that I would hit two home runs?   KRAMER: Yeah, well, no good?   O'NEILL: Yeah. That's no good. It's terrible. You don't hit home runs like that. It's hard to hit home runs. And where the heck did you get two from?   KRAMER: Two is better than one.   O'NEILL: That, that's ridiculous. I'm not a home run hitter.   KRAMER: Well, Babe Ruth did it.   O'NEILL: He did not.   KRAMER: Oh, do you say that Babe Ruth is a liar?   O'NEILL: I'm not calling him a liar but he was not stupid enough to promise two.   KRAMER: Well, maybe I did overextend myself.   O'NEILL: How the heck did you get in here anyway?     [James']   JAMES: (on phone) Oh, hi Elaine. You know I lost all of my 6:30 clients because of you. . . . Yeah, well why did you have to stick your feet in my face? . . . Yes, I have the jacket. Hold on. . . . (to dogs) Fellas!     [Hospital]   TV: The Yankees take the field on a beautiful afternoon.   KRAMER: It's hot in here. Hey, Bobby, can I have some of your juice?   BOBBY: After Paul O'Neill hits his first home run.     [Jerry's]   HOLLY: (from buzzer) It's Holly.   JERRY: Yeah. Come on up.   TV: And the two and one pitch to O'Neill. A towering shot back to deep right field and it's gone.     [Hospital]   KRAMER: Yeah.   TV: A home run for Paul O'Neill. The Yanks lead one nothing.   KRAMER: OH YEAH! ALL RIGHT!   BOBBY: One more to go.     [Jerry's]   (Holly enters)   JERRY: Hey. What's all this?   HOLLY: I decided I was going to make you dinner.   JERRY: I thought we were going out.   HOLLY: Well, after you scarfed up my mutton I had the irresistible urge to make pork chops for you. I said hello to Franco for you.   JERRY: Franco?   HOLLY: Your butcher, down the street.   JERRY: I bet he acted aloof like he didn't know me.   HOLLY: A little.   JERRY: That is so Franco.     [Hospital]   TV: Bottom of the eighth, score tied at one apiece. Two and one to Paul O'Neill.   KRAMER: You know Bobby, it's very very hard to hit two home runs in one game. Even for Paul O'Neill.   KRAMER: He can do it, Mr. Kramer. I know he can. He'll do it for me.   TV: "Klick! Long fly ball into deep left field over Bell's head . . . O'Neill's rounding second O'Neill going for third, O'Neill rounding . . .   KRAMER: Come on Come on!   TV: . . . third being waived in.   KRAMER: GO! GO!!   TV: . . . Martinez throws it over Alomar's head. O'Neill is safe at home. And the Yankees take the lead.   KRAMER: An In The Park Home Run!   BOBBY: Yeay!   KRAMER: All Right! Yeah, well, I guess I'll be on my way (grabs framed card)   TV: That's being scored a triple for Paul O'Neill with a throwing error charged to Martinez.   BOBBY: Hey, …   KRAMER: Huh?   BOBBY: … that's not a home run. (grabs frame)   KRAMER: Yeah, maybe not technically, but …   BOBBY: You said he'd hit two home runs.   KRAMER: Oh, come on. Bobby, Bobby! That's just as good!   BOBBY: Well, you're not taking that card.   KRAMER: Now, Bobby, Bobby, we had a deal . . . gimme that …     [Jerry's]   HOLLY: So, is the chop the way you like it?   JERRY: I usually like mine with an angioplasty.   (stuffs meat in sofa)   (Elaine enters)   ELAINE: You know something really stinks to high h… Holly! What are you doing here?   JERRY: What everyone does here. - Cooking pork chops.   ELAINE: I'm uh, I'm meeting James here. He's bringing over your jacket.   HOLLY: What about the napkins?   ELAINE: I didn't take your napkins.   HOLLY: Then who did?   ELAINE: Ask Jerry.   JERRY: We could argue all night over who took the napkins. The point is in today's modern world it just doesn't seem relevant.     [George's office, Yankee Stadium]   WILHELM: I still want to know what happened to that birthday card? Now, Morgan, did you ever sign it?   MORGAN: No sir, George never gave it to me.   GEORGE: No, that's right, I didn't. I take full responsibility for the card not being here. I, uh, . . .   (Kramer enters)   KRAMER: Hi,   WILHELM: What's this?  KRAMER: Oh, it's a birthday card.   KRAMER: (to George) Oh, by the way, tomorrow night, Paull O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.   WILHELM: George, this is beautiful. Why didn't you tell me you were going to have it mounted like this?   KRAMER: And you were probably just going to stick it in an envelope.   WILHELM: Ha ha ha ha ha, George, keep up the good work.   MORGAN: Ha ha, uh, well you screwed me again, Costanza. How am I supposed to sign the card now when it's already under glass?     [Jerry's]   (James enters with his dogs)   ELAINE: Uh, this is,…   HOLLY: Excuse me. What are those dogs wearing?   JAMES: Oh, bandanas, aren't they cute?   HOLLY: You gave Memma's napkins to some dogs?!   JERRY: Hey, what happened to my jacket?   JAMES: Oh, the dogs did that but it wasn't their fault, somebody stuffed some strange meat in the pocket.   HOLLY: Was it mutton?   JAMES: Could have been.   HOLLY: Do you always stuff meat in your pocket?   (Dogs climbing on sofa)   JERRY: Uh, sometimes I use the sofa.     [Steinbrenner's office]   (George enters)   GEORGE: You wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?   STEINBRENNER: Yes, George, please, come in, come in.   STEINBRENNER: Thanks for the card. I loved it. Gosh it made me feel good. You know, word has it that you were the brains behind the whole thing.   GEORGE: Oh, no, not just me, the whole organization. Especially Mr. Morgan.   STEINBRENNER: Morgan, Morgan, you know his name is conspicuously absent from this card. Almost like he went out of his way not to sign it.   GEORGE: Oh no, Morgan is a good man sir.   STEINBRENNER: You can stop kowtowing to Morgan. Congratulations, you got his job.   GEORGE: Wa, uh, thank you sir, you know I am not quite sure I'm right for it.   STEINBRENNER: Stop it George, he's out, you're in.   STEINBRENNER: A lot more work you know.   GEORGE: I know.   STEINBRENNER: A lot more responsibility. Long long hours.   GEORGE: I know.   STEINBRENNER: Not much more money. But you'll finally get the recognition you deserve.   GEORGE: That's what I'm afraid of. You know Mr. Steinbrenner, . . .   STEINBRENNER: You know as painfull as it is I had to let a few people go over the years. Yogi Berra, Lou Pinella, Bucky Dent, Billy Martin, Dallas Green, Dick Houser, Bill Virdon, Billy Martin, Scott Marrow, Billy Martin, Bob Lemmon, Billy Martin, Gene Michael, Buck Showalter, … uh, tut!, . . .George, you didn't hear that from me. (George exits) . . . George!      The End<|endoftext|>Episode 133 - The Wait Out  pc: 723, season 7, episode 23  Broadcast date: May 9, 1996   Written by Peter Mehlman  Story by Peter Mehlman & Matt Selman  Directed by Andy Ackerman   -------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The Cast  Regulars:  Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld  Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza  Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes  Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer   Guest Stars:   Cary Elwes ........................... David  Debra Messing ..................... Beth  Allan Havey.......................... Policeman  Diana Castle.......................... Mrs. Zanfino  Todd Bosley.......................... Joey  J.C. Hertzler.......................... Mr. Berger  Nicole Tocantins.................... Barbara  rc: Heidi Swedberg .............. Susan Biddle Ross  rc: Danny Woodburn ........... Mickey Abbott   ==================================================================   [Opening Monologue]  The whole concept of being separated to me is strange, it’s like you’re engaged to be divorced. We’re gonna try making not being together work. First we we’re separated, then we met, then we were together, now we are gonna try being separated again. We actually think some kind of giant rubber band might be the best solution. 'Course when you were a kid in school you would get separated for having too good of a time, 'if you too kids don't stop laughing and having fun i'm gonna have to separate you' Then the kid finds out his parents are breaking up and he thinks it's because they got caught fooling around, which is probably true.    [Setting: The Coffee Shop]   (Elaine and Jerry are sitting across from each other in a booth)   JERRY: Hairdo?   ELAINE: (Looking up from a menu) Yeah.   JERRY: You look like Brenda Starr.   ELAINE: Is that good?   JERRY: It's better than Dondi.   (Elaine laughs, then draws her attention to a table across the room)   ELAINE: Hey, my God, look at that. (Jerry looks over at the table. A man and a woman are dining) David and Beth Lookner. (Leaning in for confidentiality) You know, I heard a rumor their marriage was a little rocky.   JERRY: (Interested, still looking at the couple) Really?   ELAINE: Mm-hmm.   JERRY: You know, I have a little thing for Beth Lookner.   ELAINE: Well, I have to admit, I've always thought David was kind of sponge-worthy. (Winks, making a clicking sound with her tongue)   JERRY: Yeah.. I've been waitin' out their marriage for three years.   ELAINE: Yeah, me too. Well, I've been waiting out two or three marriages, but this is the one I really had my eye on.   (George enters, somewhat annoyed. He's gesturing to the parking lot)   GEORGE: This car out there is taking up, like, three parking spaces.   (Jerry moves over, making room for George to sit)   ELAINE: Oh, (Laughs at George's misfortune) that's mine.   GEORGE: You have a car?   ELAINE: Well, my friend, Elise, lent it to me for the week. She's out of town.   JERRY: (Noting) You know, I've never seen you drive.   GEORGE: Me either.   (David and Beth Lookner, on their way out, approach the booth)   BETH: (Unsure as to whether it's him or not) Jerry? Elaine, Hi!   ELAINE: (Overly generous) Hi, David!   JERRY: Hi, Beth!   BETH: Oh, uh, George, (Introducing to two) this is my husband, David.   GEORGE: Oh, hi.. (They shake hands)   DAVID: Hello. So, George, uh, you're the one who works for the Yankees, right?   GEORGE: Yeah. Why, what do you do?   DAVID: Well, I sell insurance, but Beth used to be Don Mattingly's doctor.   GEORGE: Really?   BETH: Mm-hm.   DAVID: Yeah.   GEORGE: (Laughs slightly) A physician married to a salesman. (Chuckles) Well, I gotta tell you, Beth, you coulda done a lot better than him.   (George and Elaine both laugh out loud. Beth and David look at each other, taking in the awkward moment)   (Scene ends)    [Setting: Jerry's apartment]   (Jerry's in the kitchen. Kramer slides in, followed by Mickey. Mickey's reading a script)   KRAMER: Hey!   JERRY: Hey. Hey, Mickey. What's going on?   MICKEY: I'm very nervous. I'm auditioning to be in the Actor's Studio tonight.   JERRY: Really?   KRAMER: It's a method, Jerry. It's intense. (Clicks his tongue)   MICKEY: Kramer's going to be my scene partner.   JERRY: Kramer?   MICKEY: He doesn't have to say anything, he just has to sit there. I'm playing a detective.   KRAMER: Yeah, and I'm playing a business man accused of murder.   JERRY: Ohh boy. Well, I gotta meet Elaine and run some errands. So.. (Goes for his coat)   KRAMER: (Fixing up his pants) Yeah.. look at this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' apart, huh?   JERRY: (Fishing for his keys in a kitchen drawer) You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time.   KRAMER: (Looking over Mickey's shoulder at the script) Yeah, well, I was a different man then.   JERRY: (Jokingly playing off Kramer's statement) With a different body.   KRAMER: (Slightly offended) Hey, I got the body of a.. taught, pre-teen, Swedish boy.   (Mickey visibly rolls his eyes)   JERRY: Ehh, I dunno..   KRAMER: Now, what are you thinkin'? (Getting upset) You think that I'm not able to wear jeans anymore? Is that what you're sayin'? Because if that's what you're sayin', Jerry, I'll go and I'll buy some jeans. (Jerry shrugs. Kramer raises his voice to a menacing tone) I swear to God I will! (Jerry's showing off a skeptical face.   Kramer points a finger at him) Don't think I won't, Jerry!   (Scene ends)    [Setting: Elaine's car]   (Elaine is obviously an incredibly bad driver. Jerry, in the passenger's seat, looks car sick)   ELAINE: God, it is so great to drive again. I miss it so much! (Suddenly swerves to the right, then yells out of her window) How about a left turn signal, ya moron?!   (Looks ahead, then breaks suddenly) Woah..   JERRY: (His thoughts) I'm so nauseous. She's the worst driver.   ELAINE: You know what? On my first road test, I hit a dog. (Jerry nods, blinking) I think it was a golden retriever. No, no, no, it was a - it was a yellow lab. (Picks up the car phone) I'm gonna check my messages. (Begins to dial as she pulls up to a pedestrian crosswalk. She stops right before hitting a man crossing the street)   MAN: Hey!   JERRY: (Once again, the audience hears his thoughts) I'm so car sick. I'm gonna vomit!   (Elaine's expression changes as she's listening to her messages)   ELAINE: Oh my God! Jerry! My friend, Kim called - David and Beth got separated last night!   JERRY: (Out of it) Huh?   ELAINE: They're gettin' divorced! (Quickly breaks, stopping traffic)   (Scene ends)    [Setting: Monk's coffee shop]   (Elaine and Jerry sitting across from each other in a booth)   E