PID,data,Label
dev_pid_1,"I enjoyed today, and I still am! Tomorrows depression can wait! : Today, I'm warm and cozy :) I even had some tea, to complement my sandwich!
This is a crazy time we live in, but it's only the beginning, with the world going to shambles, being alone feels werid.
But a stranger came through and saved me,
Of course it's a debt I'll have to repay, but I'm grateful to have this debt!
Crazy what a few dollars can do to change someones situation.
But these days, it's all about here and now!
I don't have the ability to relax just because, I'm full, clean, and warm.
Tomorrow it's back to reality! 
The motel was just to get ourself together! We been out here panicking the past two weeks and the last 3 days exspecially.
I got blessed this week that's for sure!
Two weeks till payday.
What to do, what to do.
Well I can't just pull another loan, so I gotta make what's left it last. 
Planet fitness anyone???!! 
Okay actually, gas wise, idk, finding safe places to park for extended periods of time, it's werid. You'd be surprised how much you stand out during everyone panicking staying at home at night.
Yet I also kinda like it. 
This motel would be $500 bucks for two weeks, maybe I can scrap the car for the room.
You know I remember back when I still had savings $500 was like not a big deal. Don't get me wrong $500 ain't nothing to sneeze at, but that was back in like June.
I'm seriously considering scraping the car, for that guarantee place to stay.
I can always save up 2-3 months and get another one...
Idk,
Today, I'm actually less sad.
But I guess this is the first time in like two weeks I could really analyze my situation, with rational thought.
Anyhow, tomorrow!!!!!!! We gotta get back on the hunt, maybe find some random gig, and I'd like to pay back that loan back early.
Easier to do work when you can eat!
March 27Th Please Hurry!",moderate
dev_pid_2,"I sorta tried to kill myself : I had a total breakdown in a fucking car park at 1am alone.i sat for balling my eye out for hours covered in blood and swallowed 32 pill. I'm in a little pain but I'm home now I've calmed down and I'm feeling a bit more relaxed. I've been so alone look lately, the only person who I can ""talk to"" is my ex who cheated, lied and often avoids me. I tried calling samaritans when I was outside however they waiting list was so long. I was planning on kept the pills and saving more up. I know I'm going to do it eventually, im almost 20 and I have absolutely nothing to live for, all my time being alive and I've nothing to show for. Just an ever growing list of failures. I hate fucking feeling like this, I just wish this wasn't my fuckicn life. I can't take it",moderate
dev_pid_3,Best suicide method? : I like it quick and easy with no deformities haha!,moderate
dev_pid_4,"a story : I remember the time I'd get on my 3DS to play Nintendogs. I'd be at my grandparents house, having fun with my chihuahua. It was nice and calming, having no trouble when I need to get in a safe space. Peaceful music was played whenever I'd walk my dog. Competitive, yet smooth music played whenever I'd enter competitions. A fun experience was the least I could say. It was amazing.
I had a dog once. Well, not exactly my dog, it was my grandparents. We called him Bugsy (Bugzy?) and he was the best goddamn dog I knew. One day, my sisters and I were driving on a highway, when all of a sudden we heard a thud. We suddenly lost control of the vehicle, and we were forced to stop. When we collectively shit ourselves from what the hell just happened, my sister opened her door and went out to inspect what we hit.
It was Bugsy. A few weeks before, he ran away. I wasn't sure why he did, he was living a perfectly comfortable life. Perhaps he was seeking adventure? Nonetheless, we killed him. We ran him over because we didn't see him coming. We weren't expecting this to happen. We cried. We didn't know what to do with the body. She quietly put the carcass on the side of the road, as to not be ran over by others.
A while later, I got a 3DS and my first game: Nintendogs. And unfortunately, it reminded me of Bugsy. I wish I could have done more for that dog. I truly miss him. I would take care of him as much as I have taken care of that dog in the 3DS. I feel like an asshole when I say that, because it's ultimately true. I never played with Bugsy that often, but I still feel like I'm missing out when I think of him.",moderate
dev_pid_5,"The world only cares about beautiful people : I'm born ugly. I've always been ugly all my life and I don't think that I could ever become more beautiful. However, I used to think that if I tried my best and be a ""good"" person, people will like me too. But I'll never be treated like those who are beautiful. No matter how much I tried to become a excellent student, a helpful friend, others never really like me, no one cares about my existence. I have no real friends and I have never been in a relationship. In contrast, those beautiful people never have to try. They instantly become the center of attention, have a lot of friends and be successful in life. 
It's hard to accept that all my efforts would go in vain just because of my ugliness, something that is not even my fault. People usually say: "" Not only is he/she good looking but he/she is also nice"". Nah, you're wrong. They are nice because they are beautiful, they are nice because others treat them well and they don't have to suffer all the difficulties as us ugly do everyday.",moderate
dev_pid_6,"I try to be social. Guess what fucking happens. : No one wants to talk to me.
This is such fucking bullshit.  I make myself available, nobody wants to fucking talk with me or hang out with me.  Before any one of you comes at me with the ""you'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar"", I've fucking tried that shit.  I've tried it for three goddamn decades and here's what it's gotten me:
-the complete and total lack of ability to create serotonin
-a shitty, abusive wife who said she would file the divorce papers in OCTOBER if ""I had no intention of reconciliation.""  Fuck you, dude, that's all I fucking DID was work to make YOU happy and sacrifice my own Goddamned mental wellbeing because I wanted to make YOU feel like you were worth something.  The least you could fucking do would be to file the goddamned paperwork.  Shouldn't be too fucking hard for you to do, since you decided to not even COME DOWN TO VISIT ME after our wedding.  So yeah.  Last day I fucking saw your ungrateful face was 5/20/17.
-The inability to feel anything other than complete and utter hatred 90% of the time
The only thing that's kept me happy is the meager social media interaction I have but even now that's starting to dwindle because people keep moving on.
People spend all of five minutes with me and ""oh, I'm too busy"" etc.
FUCK THAT YOU CAN TAKE TEN MINUTES OUT OF YOUR DAY AND HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME INSTEAD OF IGNORING ME.
I wish I had been born prettier.
Maybe then people would love me.",moderate
dev_pid_7,"I don't deserve love or affection. : I honestly am starting to believe I am going to die alone. I have never been good at establishing meaningful relationships with anyone, including my family. I have always felt like an outsider in every situation I've been in. I can't even make friends that ever become much more than acquaintances I see from time to time. Not once have I had what I could consider a best friend and dating has never been much better.
I have only dated three women, whom I was with long enough for us to meet each other's family. The longest of which was almost ten years and it ended in divorce. I have never been one to feel comfortable in my own skin and going out in public fills me with anxiety. I never participated in any sort of hook-up culture and it's been a little over two years since I had any sort of intimate contact with another person. I am miserably lonely and feel like there is just not a single person out there for me.
I've seen similar posts from people talking about the lack of intimacy in their own lives and how it takes a toll. I feel dead inside and really do not believe I am in any way adequate enough to make another person happy. With all the other stress in my life due to a complete lack of direction, little to no motivation, and an overall sense of existential dread, I doubt I am even in any condition to maintain a romantic relationship. I am miserable and that will only destroy anything I attempt to build.
I can't even remember what it is like to truly have feelings for someone, to be excited about the prospect of spending time with them, the joy of having someone in my life. I don't feel like it will ever happen again and if it does, I will probably just ruin it. At this point, things like getting married again, having kids, starting a family, buying a house, etc. none of those things appeal to me. I have absolutely no interest in them. I see no future for myself where I actually have a sense of self-worth or even the faintest sense of identity.
I just work and that is it. I try to get involved with a few things or groups, but nothing really makes me happy. I haven't got anything to look forward to when I wake up in the morning. Even getting a cat leaves me feeling empty. I see the weekend approaching and I know I will end up spending my evenings home alone with no one to talk to. It has always been like this, before and after my failed marriage.
In spite of the things my ex-wife did wrong, I feel more and more that I was the one to blame and that I simply do not deserve anything good in my life. I can't find it when I go looking for it and it doesn't seem to fall into place on its own. It's now less a question of IF and more a matter of WHEN. I am so tired of all this constant sameness. I just want it over.",moderate
dev_pid_8,"What am i? : I'm super depressed i guess, i don't want to go out, I don't want to talk to anyone, everything stresses me, I've done things i regret ever knowing or doing. Like I don't want this knowledge. I dont want to know anything. I want a easy life, and i dont have one, sometimes i feel like im in autopilot, when i feel lifeless, like when i dont feel anything, when i feel numb and so over with life, i dont want this life, is so complicated, so full o assholes and dark shit i dont want to be part of, i feel so tired. I guess one of the ways i cope is being isolated, but is not, it just makes this dark entity, it feeds through my isolation, my loneliness, my weaknesses, my stress, and when its full it explodes and it overpowers me. Im weak i feel useless, i dont have any aspiration, all my aspirations and goals are fake, they are not real thats not me. I dont have a me, i dont feel like i exist, i feel like this is not me, i dont know who is me i just know that when im not doing something everyone expects from me im not me, i just dont know who am i. The only thing i guess im sure of is that i have hope, just hope and want to live life, experience things, i want to know the secrets of the world, i want to know the unknown. I know i dont belong nowhere, like i have parents and siblings and a friend nut i dont feel a connection like i dont feel love, am i going crazy? i feel things but i dont know what they are i dont know sometimes. Like i care for them if they were ever in any kind of danger or pain and would give my life for my loved ones but in a regular day i feel like doing nothing like i fell nothing, im always distracting myself and doing stuff im good at i guess. I know im driving my loved ones away from myself but i know is best, they are better knowing im just an emo heartless bitch who doesn't care about anything, thats a selfish and has no future they are better of knowing all those things than my true self which is nothing im just no one with a job to carry on the life of this physical body. I dont know whats happening, i used to be different i used to be the opposite of what i am now, well i guess i was still a bitch but with more positive qualities than the bad ones im portraying right now.
ps: Im not gonna kill myself, and im here bc i dont have the resource to seek professional help.",moderate
dev_pid_9,Help : I don’t know what to do. I cant survive the rest of this school year. I hate going and it is ruining my life. It is causing me major depression. I want to kill myself. I don’t really want to die I just want school to end. Please. I don’t know what to do. I am too afraid too tell anyone about it. I won’t survive 4 more years of school. Why does the school system and anyone involved in it hate kids so much. I don’t know how much more of this fucking hell i can mentally handle before I decide to kill myself. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s life and I don’t want to die. I just can’t stand school anymore. Every single thing about it is horrible. There is nothing good about it. I hate it. I hope my school gets bombed or shot up. I cant handle this shit anymore.,moderate
dev_pid_10,"things aren’t getting any better : i’ve done what people told me to do and leave the lives of those who really didn’t care about me. but, now i’m alone. i have no one. truly i have no one. my heart aches from this silence in my body that no one understands. video games aren’t fun anymore. i can’t go out bc i think too much. memes don’t make me laugh. i just go to school and act like everything is okay, but it’s not. it’s not and i hate the fact that it isn’t. i go to school bc it’s the only time in my life that i have people to be with, but after that, i’m just a side character. no one cares, truly i can say that with confidence. im losing reasons to get out of bed everyday that passes, i’ve never been one to consider even hurting myself. but i just can’t stop thinking about why me, out of all people that could have been here, was it me? why was i put on this earth, i don’t feel like i even have a purpose. i feel im just, here. im not happy, not sad, just, here. it breaks my heart little by little even thinking that, if this doesn’t stop, my parents, siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews, are probably never gonna see me again. i don’t know what to do. seconds feel like minutes, minutes feel like hours, etc. i try to escape in any way i can, but i just can’t, even working and putting money in my pocket isn’t doing a thing, i don’t wanna turn to drugs, bc ruining my life is a fate worse than death. i just feel like i’m in a hole, with no one watching. waiting for an inevitable death.",moderate
dev_pid_11,Why I’m depressed and why i self harm. Kind of an overshare. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_12,Anyone else feeling alone? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_13,"Scared I'm going to die alone : I have been single for 9 years now. I am 28, which means I haven't been in a relationship since I was a teenager.
It's just not happening for me and I'm really depressed about it.  I wouldn't say I'm lonely exactly but just the fact that it's been so long makes me feel hopeless about my future. I would love to get married and have a kid. I feel like I am running out of time and it makes me panic.",moderate
dev_pid_14,"I did mushrooms a week ago : I did shrooms for the first time two weeks ago and it was the scariest experience of my life. I was so scared of my thoughts and felt stuck in my head. After that experience I felt completely sad and empty. A week later I decided to do it again but under different circumstances (people I was completely comfortable with, didn’t have to go home, etc) and it was the same thing. It made me realize how depressed I was and now I cant get out of my depression. I just feel like I’m just watching everyone live and I’m just stuck in my head. I dont wanna live like this forever and I don’t know what to do",moderate
dev_pid_15,Need anyone to talk to : I just want to say. If anyone needs anyone to talk to I am hear for you. I'm not a professional or anything but I will be there to listen to you and try and help you .,moderate
dev_pid_16,I have no personality : I think I’m a very boring person. My personality is flexible and fragile. I easily change when I spend a little bit of time around someone. It’s hard to explain but imagine a chameleon changing his colors.,moderate
dev_pid_17,"I will kill myself : I joined this subbreddit because for the first time of my life i found people with similar families to me. I am the usual i guess, divorced parents that still hate each other after years of their break-up, but this just goes beyond everything i would have ever imagined. I used to live with my mother and it was hell, no better word to describe it. She used to insult me just for being, calling me a usseles son and an autistic no-one, constantly trying to make fun of me and shame me for everything she could, this went on for a couple years, around 2 or so, until finally some months back i snapped, i just couldn't take it anymore. She started yelling at me for some stupid reason and i just tried to ignore her, but she entered my room and started just trowhing everything she could. My lap-top, my ps4, my phone, everything she could grab and throw into the wall was thrown. I just wasnt dealing with it anymore, the sadness just was pure madness at that point, i grabbed her and pushed her out of my room while she screamed at me full pshyco. I closed the door and hold it close while she tried to smash it down to get back in my room. She started crying and shouting to me things that i cant quite remember, at this point i was just pushing the door shut while crying. The moment was over-whelming, i tried my best to stay as stable as possible but i just felt so much anger and fear at the time. An hour later or so, my father showed up at my house and make me grab my stuff and leave. On the way to his apartment, he only stayed silent while looking at me, and i just tried my best to calm myself. When we arrived, he talked to me, he ask why did i did that and if i was okey with what i did. Soon i understood what he meant,my mother had called him telling him that i had hitt her and that i was just violent against women. My father never talked to me again about that, but afther that day things started to go down-fall.
I started going to the psychologist after that, my mother signed me up and made my father take me every week for about a month. There the stupid bitch talked to me about things like ""you should feel angry with women"" or ""hitting women is not okay"". I hated going, i hated going every week to be treated like a criminal, like if i was the one that needed help. After that i started living with my father, since my mother kicked my out of my house i had no where else to go. My room now is a little bed next to where he works. (He is a lawyer).
A month or so starting to get used to living with him i was just broken. I went from hanging out with friends every day and every night to stay away from home as much as possible to stay inside every-day whit my ps4, eating and doing as much as i could to avoid my friends, since they had no idea nor i have ever told them why i just stopped hanging out with them.
Since then my life has been a total disaster i dont want to try to fix anymore. I tried my best to go back to the person that i used to be, but every day its more and more difficult. I was just a normal kid, a 16 year old that would play ps4 and hang around with friends during the week and go partying some saturdays. Now im just a sad fucker, i still hang around with friends but i just dont feel the same anymore, i used to be the one that made everyone laughed and now im just the one that stays behind silent and laughs a little every now and then. My friends have noticed this but every time someone asks me ""is everything okay?"" Or ""are u fine?"" I just do my best to keep them away, what am i suppoused to say? That my mother is a psycho that kicked me out and my father beats me everythime he gets mad at me? I feel so ashamed, i feel so sad and angry, and i have to put all of that behind a mask of ""na bro, im fine, just sleepy"" and pretend im alright.
Like i said, my father gets angry at me for almost no reason, he hates that i play ps4, he hates that i go partying even tough he knows that i have always been really mature with the alchochol and that i have never ever had problems with it. There are nights where he just arrives from the job and sitts next to me, just to give me a large speech of how pathetic i am and how i will always be alone for the kind of person that i am, how no one will ever love me and how i will be left alone once he kicks me out of the house. I just do my best to cry as silently as possible, pretending that i dont care.
All this happened in the summer, so when i had to come back school (i am from Argentina) i had to face my mother again. At my school, wich is the only thing i really care, you have to sitt for an exam to enter another year. This exam is really easy and i have always been a good student so it hasnt ever meant a real deal to me, but this year was different. My mother called my father and told him that if i didnt passed this exam she would make sure that i got kicked out of school, so my father made me stay home for two hole weeks ""studying"" while my mother called him every few hours to ""check on me"". I passed this exam with a 10 (A+ i guess) but those weeks were a nightmare, my father was all day yelling at me to keep studying and to focus or i would go to another shitty school. Those nights were when all the reason why i write this began, the suicidal thoughts
Every night since those nights i cant avoid but think about how tired i am, how much i want to die and i really mean it. Every day i arrive home knowing that mu father will look at me into my eyes and give me that disaproving stare he always gives me. Every night i feel the door opening i drop my phone and pretend to be asleep so he doesnt talks to me. His words are knives into my very soul, i cant have peace anymore. Every time i look myself into the mirror i see everything that my father described, everytime i have time to think i just hear his words repeating themselves again and again, remembering me what i am and how little i deserve from others
I had dreams of being a doctor, i dreamed of finishing the book i was writing and i dreamed of getting to know someone else. Watching my ex next holding hands with another dude was like a bullet on a dead-body. It hurt, it really did, but at the time i was so fucked up that it meant nothing to me. Of course she gets to know someone new, she arrives home with a lovely mother and a care father that both treat her with respect and love. If i didnt had parents that hatted me i would be even better than her, but i am not, i am just a sad fuck that ""can't get over it"" and she gets to laugh with her friends about me every time she sees me.
Last-night was when i snapped again. My father came to me while i was having dinner alone and he told me that he doesnt want me to be with him anymore. He says that i dont help around the house and that i am just wasting his money and his time. He told me that he is going to send me back with my mother and that i dont get to decide if i wnat it or not.
I dont want to go, but i dont want to stay neither. My father does and did horribles things to me, but my mother is just hell to me, i cant deal with it anymore, i wont
I want to kill myself, i want to get up right now from the bed and sneek trough his bedroom, i want to go to the roof and jump. Im crying and i cant sleep because i know that deep down i really want to do it. I want help, i just want to hear someone, i dont want to do it even tought it seems the only thing to do. Please, i dont want to go to a psychologist and be treated like a criminal again. I know that my father wont care if i tell him how i feel, he will just get even more angry at me. I cant go back to my mother, i start shaking just of thinking of it. I need help, i need a way out of this no matter what.",moderate
dev_pid_18,"Tired : It grows, the void, engulfing me in its darkness. Anxious, mind racing, unable to sleep. Crying has become a normal thing, no one notices. I can’t breathe I’m slowly suffocating on emotions. They swallow me whole. Every possible scenario runs through my head, constantly churning. When did I become this pitiful? When did my laughter turn to sobs? I can’t even remember happiness anymore, just this empty feeling, this pit of loneliness. When I’m with people I’m still completely alone, detached. I’m scared, scared of what this means. Scared that my life will just progressively tumble in the direction it’s heading. Down. I feel like I’m falling, the thought of hitting the ground terrifies me, but I just keep falling into emptiness. The ground never shows itself, will someone be there when I hit? Doubtful. It’s like I’m falling from space; will there be anything left by the time I reach the ground or will I burn up and disappear. 
I try, really hard, to change my perception, to look on the brighter side, but I’m always pushed/pulled back to this space. This mindset. I’m tired of faking it. I’m tired of being forgotten. I’m tired of watching people slowly distance themselves from me. I’m tired of always feeling alone. I’m tired of failing. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of falling. I’m just tired.",moderate
dev_pid_19,"Birthday : 
In a few hours I’ll turn 21. I wish I could feel happiness but I am too aware of the facts- I haven’t changed. I promised myself this year I’d commit to healthier habits. I tried new ventures, moved to a new location, but the story stays the same. Destruct destruct destruct. So many wasted opportunities. 
Last year I decided  I’d hold off on killing my self and try one more year, make it to 21 at least. Told myself I’d either get it together in that time or end it.
Times up and I’ve failed. I don’t see this getting better; what’s the point now that I’ve wasted my youth 
I am sitting here trying to feel proud of myself. I don’t want to spend tomorrow miserable, but now I feel like it’s impossible to shift my thoughts. 
Any advice/ tips would be wonderful",moderate
dev_pid_20,"Life is so fucking unfair : I just want to said it, why bad things happen to good people.
A friend of mine was robbed whIle we were celebrating my birthday at a pub, the thief just went up stairs and took my friend's backpack, inside of it was a very expensive and important part of his degree project.
I'm feeling so guilty, It wouldn't have happened if I was more cautious.",moderate
dev_pid_21,"Everytime I've tried to open up it just lead to more pain : I don't want to anymore, I just want to isolate myself from everyone. I wish I wasn't forced to be around people, I wish I could just be alone and put myself to rest without everyone else insisting they know better.",moderate
dev_pid_22,"What I want : All I want is emotional validation I don't have to get for I just want to know what in feeling is ok, and in still deserving of love",moderate
dev_pid_23,Hate myself : Is it okay to hate myself?,moderate
dev_pid_24,"I’ve been warning others that i’m regressing, but they aren’t listening... : And now i’m feeling at my end again. My sadness is turning to anger..",moderate
dev_pid_25,"Anyone else here not really care if they get the Coronavirus? Like, ""I wish a mother effer would"" : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_26,"im over everything. : if you don’t want to read a lot please don’t even bother. 
anyways, lately, these past few months have been so bad for me again. i want to kill myself again but i’m really out of options now nobody trusts me with anything anymore since i’ve tried so many times. i’m just over everything. i try everything i can to rid myself of this endless feeling of suffering and pain but i cant. i cant drink it away i cant smoke it away i cant go out enough i can never sleep im alone most of the time because of my boyfriends work schedule but i know he doesn’t love me and is probably cheating on me anyways. i want to be happy. i really do. but everything seems so pointless. as the days go by i feel like i’m losing my mind. i feel so empty. i have so much emotion yet i can never find a way to express it words don’t come to mind. i feel like im just always spacing out and watching myself from an outside perspective. i have at least 2-3 breakdowns a day. i’m always just sad or angry. everything pisses me off but also everything means nothing to me. i just feel so sick and tired of living and i know that nobody cares about me nobody would care if i did anything. nobody is here to help i have nowhere to go i’ve been through so much these past years and i just want to take a breather for once but i just can’t seem to. every day that i breathe seems to add more weight on my shoulder. i’m never happy and everyone around me seems to push away because of it. if i’m around people i just bring them down and it’s getting exhausting having to often fake how i am feeling. i stay in my room everyday because i cant find the motivation to leave it or even to eat. i wish i knew what to do. i wish i could just kill myself and not hurt anybody. i just wish i could rant about everything. sometimes i feel im being dramatic , and my boyfriend always says at least i have a roof over my head and food and water and a bed etc...but i for some reason cant live with just that. i want happiness. i crave it so badly. but yet all i ever feel is sadness and emptiness and anger and betrayal, disappointment, so many things at once. but i have no outlet. i don’t know why i came to write this. maybe just to let it out? i don’t know where else to do this. sorry for wasting time if you read this.",moderate
dev_pid_27,"I was given a phone number for therapy, should I call? : Two weeks ago, I broke down and called 911 on myself because I was afraid I was going to hurt myself, it was my first time ever seeking help in my entire life. And because of it so much sadness that was built up inside me was released because I finally told people about how I feel. My parents, and my ex girlfriend both showed up to the hospital and it made me cry, I felt like I was going to be a better person after that, The hospital kept me overnight so I could talk to a psychiatrist the next morning, I told them everything and they gave me a card with a number on it to call for therapy, which I haven't done yet. I'm still feeling like shit and tonight is a bad night, I can't stop crying and I'm worried again about doing something. My family knows about my depression now so I have nothing to hide, should I phone this place and get therapy?",moderate
dev_pid_28,"""Burn me down till I'm nothing but memories"". -Lil Peep : This sentence is in my head all day. Either when I'm banging the song in my ears or its just in my stuck in my head. This sentence pretty much represents my life, stuck in constant emotional suffering until I eventually break out of it and run away. I didn't run away yet, only because I know I would leave some people really sad and devestated. Man if only those few people didn't care about me, would I be free to go and do whatever I wish without being judged or cared about.",moderate
dev_pid_29,"Isn't it wonderful that all of those normal people will get to see how we live? : Stuck at home, isolated, probably alone, feeling like shit, wondering when will it end, why me... To all those infected, welcome! Welcome to the nightmare we call life.",moderate
dev_pid_30,"Help : Sorry for the generic title, I can't think of anything good to put there. Regardless, to the 3 people who ever read this, I think I might kill myself tomorrow, it's the first time I'll have enough free time to make sure I die. If you're wondering why, it's because life isn't meant for me. I talk to 2 people on a regular basis, both of them are toxic in one way or another; my body is constantly in pain, and I'm not even an adult yet; I'm on antidepressants that barely work, go to therapy twice a month, and yet I still can't find happiness for more than 5 minutes; I don't do anything successfully, I always fuck everything up. I know it's a selfish thing to do, but I can't think of anything else that would help. The very worst thing is that I don't even have a reason to be this fucked up, my family is fine, I have a roof over my head, food to eat, I'm just fucking weak. God, I'm so sorry that this world has had to put up with me for so long. It'll be better without me. Bye.",moderate
dev_pid_31,"Hope someone can hear me out here : I feel more and more sad everyday. It's like things are getting darker and darker. I constantly have nightmares, I'm always tired and I always fear that people will hate me. Sometimes I wish I got into an accident and died, so I would no longer be a burden for people.",moderate
dev_pid_32,"Girl I loved and loved me back for a short while basically kicked me to the curb and showed she didn't give two shits about me. She was everything to me and I was nothing to her. I don't have anyone and don't know how much longer I can go on. : I would've done anything for this girl, she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, her eyes were big and full of life and always had a shine in them and were worthing looking into for eternity, her smile was tiny but I would do anything to see it one more time, she had long beautiful brown hair that accentuated her pretty face. I would tell her this everyday when we started talking, and then one day she lost complete interest, she stopped messaging me as much, and then the next day came and the next, and we stopped talking completely. She told me she loved me back, she told me she liked me, and then today she didn't give two shits about how I felt. How can someone you love be so cruel.
I feel like I'll never meet anyone as beautiful and caring as her, I'll never find someone I love as much as I love her, I don't know what the point in even staying alive is. Before I met her I was looking into buying a gun, now I think I might continue that plan.",moderate
dev_pid_33,"I work really hard on getting better, but every night I think about how much easier it’d be to just kms : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_34,I feel like I ruin everything that I touch and interact with. : When I know I’m doing good at something or I did something good  I still feel sad or like a disappointment to the people around me especially to my parents.People I know think of me as the person that is always joking and playing around in a funny way but I’ve never told anybody how I really feel inside .I hope one day I won’t feel like this. Some times I feel like people would be better off without me but I try not to think like that.,moderate
dev_pid_35,"I honestly think the world would be better off without me. I just want to die. I want the pain to end. : My life just keeps spiraling. I feel so alone. I am alone. I feel so used and hurt. I’m only good enough for people when they can take something from me or use me but are never around when I try so hard to reach out for them or ask for help. I open up to people I feel I can trust after a long time and they always leave. They always distance themselves. They always show less and less and less interest in me until they ignore my texts or avoid me at work or do what they can to be away from me. It’s like I have some sort of infectious disease and they don’t want to catch it. 
No one ever takes my emotions seriously. I try to explain I’m depressed or that I want to kill myself or I’m hurting so bad and I’m ignored or my feelings are made invalid or I’m told “you’re too pretty to be depressed,” like my appearance has anything to do with how I feel on the inside. 
I’m a disappointment to my family. I never seem to do right by them. I’m always fucking things up or doing things they don’t like and ruining everything. I ruin a lot of things for a lot of people it seems, and I ruin things at work. I’m struggling meeting my quotas. No one seems to notice that something is wrong. I’m just told to bring my numbers up and smile. No one wants to listen to what I say. 
I’ve relapsed. I’ve been starving myself again, and I’ve been cutting. But I’m scared of myself. Because the cutting and the starving isn’t enough anymore. I want to do more to hurt myself and I worry I’ll kill myself. I want to kill myself. But I don’t want anyone to clean up the mess. I don’t want the last thing I do to be just another burden for someone else. 
I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want the pain to stop. I want everything to stop. I want to be numb. I want to die.",moderate
dev_pid_36,"Tried to make plans but ended up disappointed : I was feeling pretty good to start the day off. Was gonna go play basketball and hang out with some friends. Invited a good friend over to shoot some hoops and chill and she was ok with going. Planned to meet up about 6pm. Never showed up. Didn’t send a text to let me know she wasn’t coming,and when I texted her to ask if she still was,she didn’t even leave me on read,she just ignored me.",moderate
dev_pid_37,"i feel off today : not particularly that sad, not particularly that happy, just something isn’t right in my brain and i just don’t feel *right*
anyone else?",moderate
dev_pid_38,"My sister took my id to go out : So I’m 21 and my sister is 19. We go to the same school and we both wanted to go out tonight. I had plans to go out tonight all week, but it wasn’t confirmed so she asked if she could use my id to get into bars (I know this is illegal, please don’t judge us, I don’t feel comfortable doing it but she guilts me into it sometimes). I told her that I wasn’t sure yet and that I would have plans tonight. My plans confirmed and she basically said fuck it and bullied me into giving her my id and then she just left. We argued a lot and I sorta just gave up and gave it to her. Now I’m home alone crying. She is so incredibly selfish, like what she is doing is not only illegal she robbed me of something I was looking forward to. My spring break trip, classes, and retreat got canceled bc of corona and i spent 2 months in a cast this year bc I broke my ankle. Basically I haven’t had fun in a very long time. I was really looking forward to hanging out with my friends and she just took it away from me. Why does nothing work out my way. I know I’m not the only who’s plans got affected because of corona, but I still deserve to be in control of the things I have control over.",moderate
dev_pid_39,Anyone else just feel kinda...numb or more depressed at night? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_40,"I just cut my legs up : Well, I just hit a new low
Writing attempt: 3
I was feeling especially down today, I remembered that I have a broken umbrella handle with some pretty sharp edges that can mess you up if your not careful. Anyway, one thing led to another and now my thighs look like there's worms underneath because I couldn't make myself bleed no matter how hard I pushed.
Pros:
-i forgot about some stress for a good 5 minutes
-first time crying in a while, even though it was short
Cons:
-My legs hurt
-now I'm scared someone will see somehow
-feel even more of a failure because I couldn't bleed
-now I can't breathe out of my nose because of said cry",moderate
dev_pid_41,"corona making it worse : i found out that my english teacher has coronavirus so i’m self quarantining to be safe and hopefully to keep my grandma safe
i hate myself because i’m gonna miss class tmr and my grades are gonna get lowered 
i also hate myself because if i have the virus too i might infect my grandma and then she’ll die and i won’t be able to forgive myself 
stuff has been generally hard but i feel like this news has just really exhausted me 
sometimes i wish i had the power to make everyone forget about me and then disappear",moderate
dev_pid_42,"TW/ a note for my sadness : I feel empty a lot, i want to cry but can't.
i feel trapped a lot, and think taking my life would be the solution. I want to end it because I want my father to feel it and hope he knows its his fault. He's never around and has other kids, he doesn't care about me, he did some fucked up shit to my mom and now shes stuck here. I dont hate my mom but I think she doesn't help with my depression and anxiety, she doesn't care to do much. My brother is an ass but I also thinks hes fucked up because of the toxic home we live in. I want to die, I just turned 18 and I dont think ill make it to 19 or even 18 and a half. I go to community college and I hate it so much but my dad has other kids he keeps having with another women and he just doesn't care to put money towards my education. I hate it here and I want to run away. I have no money and no where to go. I just want to die.",moderate
dev_pid_43,"I cant hide from myself : It comes and goes with the seasons so i at least get a little taste of reality before becoming lost in my mind again. I have matured and my beliefs have changed but depression is emotional and so it is hard to rationalize with. I used to be sad that i havent had sex and im 19 now. But honestly its not a big deal, at least not to me and if someone else decides otherwise, fuck them its my life. My depression isnt really based on thought processes as much anymore its just a deep feeling of loneliness. 
It drove me to a massive drug binge with lots of acid every week for about a year and a half, then a short but intense benzo binge. Acid probably taught me a lot that i take for granted, but i know it taught me one thing, i cant answer these questions with anything that quick. It will always be a slow, painful and confusing process with some beautiful moments.
The benzos stop me from feeling for months. I dont remember a lot of it. During my first semester of college i was almost entirely unconscious. I was effectively the living dead. And then i almost died for good. My friend told me my heart had stopped briefly. But came back as the drugs wore off in time for me to survive.
Since then i cant explain it but ive changed drastically, in some good ways in some bad. I feel as though i did die and this is the new life i am living. And i often have a sensation that a part of me is still in the ""other world"", again hard to explain. But to be frank i saw nothing, just a peaceful unconsciousness. But if theres one thing ive learned, its that no tiny brained human such as me could ever truly understand the nature of life and death, so im gonna stop right their and let mystery be mystery.
The depression is coming back even though i am different now. Its become blatantly obvious to me that these things ive felt for so long cant be solved with things on the outside. Not even the embrace of a lover. I have spent so much time chasing a dream because reality was never enough. 
In the end i cant hide from myself or my nature, for it is what shapes my existence. And as far as i can tell death is the ultimate darkness. For that reason i no longer believe death is better than life. And ive realized its better to experience pain than nothing. You dont get what you want. And you dont know what you need until you've found it. I hope i find that one day.",moderate
dev_pid_44,People don’t deserve to be friends with me. They shouldn’t have to suffer. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_45,"A bad week : I woke up on Sunday on hives that progressively got worse and have been coming and going. When I went to the doctor, they just told me to take allergy pills because it looks like it's from contact and should go away. The hives have still been flaring up and disappearing, and its usually covers at least one set of limbs, if not my entire body, including my face.
I've been having a more depressed week than usual, and I'm currently crying for no reason, and haven't been able to dig up any motivation to do school work, or anything in general, and I think I'm on the verge of failing my classes. 
I applied for a position that's a step up from my current position, and even for internal candidates, we're required to go through the hiring process again, and I went into my interview today, and kept getting called out for being off topic, for not actively listening (I asked what their names were at the end of the interview because I don't remember them introducing themselves at all), and I'm worried that I failed this interview, which means that I won't get the new job which is fine, but I'm worried that because I didn't so well on the interview, I'll be fired from my current job as well.
I'm currently in bed, crying and wondering why I'm alive, and why I didn't kill myself last year, when I was so damn close. Instead, I reached out for help, only to be abandoned by counsellors, psychiatrists and organizations that I've been connected because they feel like I'm doing well enough to not need their resources.",moderate
dev_pid_46,"I hate when people tell me that they care, everything will get better and I should just vent. : No.  
It doesn't work like that.  
I've been living with those lies for my whole life. This is fucking bullshit. I've been through countless surgeries which made my life only worse. I've been through bullying. I've been through verbal and physical abuse. I've been through shitty situations (if you don't count my life as one big shitty situation already). And lastly, I've been through a loss of a friend. She might've killed herself, but I don't know if it actually happened. She just told me about her planning another suicide attempt one day, and suddenly cut all ties another day. This was my biggest loss yet.  
I hate when people tell me to vent.  
Everytime I tell someone about my problems, my feelings, my past, I fucking hate myself. It feels like I relive every situation I tell people about. It hurts. This is the worst thing you can tell me. No kinds of insults, bullying or even abuse can do so much damage to me.  
No one cares. It won't get better.  
I've been waiting for better days for 15 years. Seems like they will be only after I put myself out of misery.",moderate
dev_pid_47,"i wish it didnt feel so empty : i wish it stopped...i want it to stop
it feels cold, i always feel like im inside a giant, dark, empty room
its cold in there...im alone in there
maybe there's an exit but i cant really see
but at this point i dont really care...i just wish it wasnt so empty and lonely there
i wish there was someone there, someone who did care about me...so at least, i would feel less lonely...it would be, not so empty anymore
it'd be us two against everything...not just me
if only that person existed...",moderate
dev_pid_48,"Just ask. : I will try and keep this short and sweet. 
I know the feeling. I know the feelings associated with that feeling that none of us can really put into words. Along with it comes frustration, anxiety, sorrow, loneliness, inadequacy. All of our problems come from that black hole in our chest we can’t really understand.
I know I still have it and will most likely have it again at some point In my life. Today though it doesn’t affect me as much. Today I feel more good than bad. 
It’s not simple and it’s not easy. Today I asked someone to hang out. They said yes. They followed through. We swam for 45 minutes till we were out of breath. Then went out for drinks and dinner. We talked and had some laughs. I came home feeling fulfilled and more like myself 
Take the leap there is nothing stoping you but yourself.",moderate
dev_pid_49,"How to say I’m not fine but I don’t want your fucking help kindly : I like to be left alone especially at the moment. I just don’t have the energy to interact with people. I think it’s fairly obvious that I’ve isolated myself but I’ve done it on purpose and it’s keeping me sane. I don’t feel comfortable talking with anyone other than a professional at the moment. People keep pushing to talk. I get It, some people need to. I keep telling them I just need space and it doesn’t compute with what someone with mental health issues needs. Leave me the fuck alone please or I’m going to hurt myself from frustration",moderate
dev_pid_50,"It started again... : After counseling with my psychologist for a good six months and having restored my self confidence and esteem, I told myself that it would be a good idea, after two years of being single, to start flirting and stuff. After a couple of days my high school sweetheart (that I never expressed my feelings) texted, saying that we lost contact and proposed that we should go for a glass of wine. Me being the stupid bloody idiot that I am accepted without thinking. Having arrived at the wine bar and having drank the first bottle, we talked endlessly, recapping the last 6-7 years old our lives, and eventually reaching the point in the conversation about our love life. We talked and then I thought it would be a good idea to express my feelings. It was not a bloody good idea. She rejected me by saying “ hah you? First of all you’re fat!” And bloody hell at that moment I wished for the floor to open up and swallow me. So I pretended there was a work emergency, paid for the wine and fled like a little bloody cunt. It’s been 2 days since that happened. I haven’t been sober after that. I’m always drinking, day and night. Girls and ladies I would love your opinion on the matter 
P.S. I know I’m chubby I’m on a program to lose weight and I’m doing my best",moderate
dev_pid_51,"Why dont i give up? : sometimes i think that, why dont i give up?, there's no future, we will die because of human greedyness. I live in a country bound to fail and maybe restart and fail again, with such a fragile economy that its practically unlivable. i am just a guy who cant change the world, i cant even change my life, i cant even change how i feel...
its just me...i am alone against everything, against the entire world...i cant...the only thing i want is for someone to be with me...someone who does care about me...but i dont even have that
im...im tired of seeing everyone be so happy...and i cant be happy too, i like making people happy, dont get me wrong...but sometimes i wonder when will it be my turn to be happy...when will this feeling of emptiness will just go away...im tired
but you know? on the inside, i know i cant be happy...i know im the only person that cant really be happy...i dont really think anyone would be able to love me either so...that's another thing i'll never have...i mean...maybe they're right, who could love someone like me?...im just me after all
there's nothing nor anyone waiting for me...why should i go on?
if it wasnt for my responsibilities, maybe i would just give up already...im tired of being stuck in an empty life...",moderate
dev_pid_52,"I didn’t study for my exams and I (as I expected) am feeling guilty and ashamed now. : I had months to study for them and all the time a person could need, but I didn’t do it. 
I’ve been feeling so stuck and empty and my mind just keeps being negative. My depression has become even more overwhelming than before.
I had a fighting spirit back then, but now that I’m older I’ve gotten so weak. I can’t focus and I know it’s all my fault. All the decisions I’ve made were because of me. I don’t blame anyone else. I’m aware of my faults.
Idk maybe I’ve reached my limit and I hate it. I’ve endured so much before (bullying, harassment..), so why cant I face something like this anymore. The person I hate the most is myself right now. 
My sister says I’m being over dramatic and I know I’m probably making a mountain out of a mole hill but i feel I’ve lost control of my brain, my heart, my body and my life. Everything I thought I knew about myself, it’s all gone. I try explaining it to her, but it’s so hard to formulate the right words to express the chaos in my head. Every time I talk to her she turns it around and says people have it worse. I always end up feeling like a loser and a weakling. I realized soon enough that she’ll never understand me, so I don’t talk to her about my issues anymore. I can’t talk to my parents because they think depression is a choice. I can’t talk to my friends because i don’t want to burden them. All I can do is keep this to myself and it’s been so difficult. I keep a knife in my dresser now, it’s like I’ll never be happy and probably ending my life would be a blessing....so I won’t cause my family anymore trouble with my failures.
I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know if I’ll have anywhere to go from here on out.
I’m ashamed and guilty to even face my parents. Even if i paid for these exams myself, I just can’t believe I’ve done nothing. I didn’t even try. I feel so worthless. 
I know people have it worse. But I got no one to tell so I just vented here.
TL/DR: I paid for my exams but didn’t study at all. Too ashamed of myself right now. My depression has worsened over the years for sure...",moderate
dev_pid_53,"Can something good happen for once? : 2020 has destroyed me. First, I immediately felt the stress of my college courses, especially chemistry because I know I’m not very good at it. Then, we have Kobe Bryant’s death, forcing me into a week’s long existential crisis. Only about a week later, I get a message from this girl I’d been talking to for over a year at this point, saying she’s leaving the university and that basically I’ll never see her again.  For another two weeks I sit and just wonder what to do that won’t collapse around me.  Then, as soon as I feel myself starting to climb back out of this hell I’ve found myself in, coronavirus hits, cancelling March Madness, baseball for the time being, and many other things I had been looking forward to for a long time.  Oh, and now my school is proceeding with online classes making it essentially impossible for me to adequately learn in a way that actually works for me.  And then, just now, I get another message from the same girl from earlier telling me that she has a bf that she wants to break up with, meaning I have been stuck in the friend zone this entire time. So basically, tl;dr, Life is beating me down and most, if not all, of it is completely beyond my control. I feel helpless. This isn’t necessarily a cry for help, I just needed to get this out somewhere.",moderate
dev_pid_54,"The only time anybody cares is when I say I want to kill myself : I live everyday in so much pain and I tried to talk about it. Nothing helps and the only time anyone ever seemed like they cared is when I say that I want to kill myself, which I do. The same is true here, the only time people seemed like they cared was when I had a panic attack and made a post about how I was going to do it. I pmed with a few people and got out of immediate suicidal danger and they said they would stay in touch. I haven’t received a single reply since then. This is so fucked, I’m a guy and I can’t talk about how I feel, wether I don’t want to or people don’t want to hear. I keep it inside hoping it’ll boil and kill me",moderate
dev_pid_55,Sports has been my escape : I deal with depression everyday. Thursday was different. I work as a freelancer blogger and depend on views to make money. The cancellation of sports is understandable but has crushed me me personal and financially. It’s going to be a long three months. Potentially have a date Saturday but I don’t have a car. Working through that.,moderate
dev_pid_56,"People are dropping like flies : I feel very alone often. Its feels like there are walls between me and everyone else. I feel like a ghost, like im not real. I just read a suicide note on here and man that got me. Someone so desserving of love disconnected, forgotten, until they were reduced to distant memories. When i read this shit it felt like i was looking in the mirror. And it hurts so much to know that someone i could relate to and love, as far as i know does not exist anymore. So many of us are lonely, we needed them. But now that will never happen.
And it makes me afraid that everything i love will become a memory, that i will forget. Every good thing in my life lost to the void, decaying as i write this, until even i have decayed and become fertalizer for a nice apple tree. And maybe some child will pick a fruit off the branch and enjoy the nutrients that at least the ashes of my body could give. I want to love before i die. I hope this person experienced some love before they left. So that at least a moment of happiness existed before it ended.",moderate
dev_pid_57,"If it weren’t for my friends I would’ve already killed myself. : Just having them to talk to helps, but I also feel like I suck the joy out of their day with my life problems and I don’t wanna be that guy that when I’m not around gets talked about as the one who bitches about everything. I can’t help the fact that life has dealt me a shit hand.
Idk, I think it’s gonna get to a point where even my friends aren’t gonna help me wanna be here anymore.
I’m starting to give up, and everyday I feel like another piece of myself is gone.",moderate
dev_pid_58,"Stop crying. : I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months now. Two months ago I moved to the UK to study for 4 months and we’ve had to do long distance. He’s the most amazing guy I have ever met after coming from an abusive relationship. Thing is, I have so much issues from my past and I’ve only ever encountered horrible people. I’ve now found this man who is desperately trying to make our relationship work and I can’t fucking stop crying. 
If he says something nice, I cry. If we’re messing around and he accidentally goes too far, I cry. If he says he loves me, I cry. If he calls me beautiful, I cry. When he gets me a gift, I cry. When he can’t talk to me, I cry. 
I can see how miserable he looks cause I’m constantly crying and getting worried about the situations I’m making up in my head. I can feel a distance or is it distance? I just know he’s getting fed up and it’s making me burst into tears even more. I keep writing “stop crying” over and over again in my journal. It’s going to ruin this and I love him so so much. He tells me he’s not going to leave and he wants to fight through this with me but he looks so unsure. 
How do I stop this pain in my chest? This knot in my throat? These sleepless nights? How do I just stop crying? I want to enjoy this so badly...",moderate
dev_pid_59,Does anyone else have a hard time talking about their problems? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_60,"might just end it today : im breaking down and crying and I just can’t take it anymore, I thought life was supposed to get better but it’s just the same thing over and over again, no one even cares about me, they just latch on to people with more charisma and just forget about me, no one even notices when I’m not around, maybe later today I’ll go to the store and get some rope",moderate
dev_pid_61,"i need someone, i feel so alone and empty. : ",moderate
dev_pid_62,"Happiness isn’t worth it : Does anyone else feel this way? I felt a stable contentment when I got out of the hospital, but I spiraled since then.
My counsellors and other professionals tell me that life wont be a straight line, it will go up and down all the time. What’s the point then? I need stability. I need self love. I need confidence and perseverance.
Everyday i slit through the skin on my left wrist a little deeper and I’m waiting for the day I reach the radial vein. Wish me luck.",moderate
dev_pid_63,"I feel lost. : I lost my dad nearly a year ago. He passed away from an aggressive form of cancer. I’ve had my ups and downs. But I’ve always had a felling of nagging sadness towards it. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had weeks even months where I’m feeling super good but I’ve also still had that little pit in my stomach. I’ve tried to think about all the good times and honestly it doesn’t help it usually makes me feel worse. I feel like most of tropes that people say just don’t help. I read about someone quoting “It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.”
-Rose Kennedy
And honestly that helped a lot but I still feel like I allow the grief to get me. I know time will still help but I get in my moods and allow myself to dip into place where I don’t even want to leave my bed for several days. I just wanted to express myself because I never have before but I just want to preemptively thank you for being able to share myself.",moderate
dev_pid_64,"Steps the the end : Welp... idk where to post this, but I need an outlet or just express myself, cause I dont want the people wondering why this freak with a ""smile"" everyday doesnt want to be ""here"", and help me cope with myself a little, so has anyone else ever set up things to achieve before they can really call it a quits?
So I decided about 1 year ago that if I cant feel happy or stop feeling numb before I finish my goal of to have a house and 2 cars, and all the debts I owe are paid before I can really enjoy life then ifs game over, it's funny to think I set these goals in order to concentrate on in order to move forward with a distraction. But it's kinda crazy how much you can accomplish in a year.
The reason I came up with this route is to better myself, and if I got back to the old me.  I could just keep walking like nothing happened. The main reason I did this is because I'm tired at 20,  I will be even more tired at 21. I don't want one thing to just make me say that one small thing hurt me now I'm done cause i think that would be dumb of me. 
If yall can relate or even understand, that would make me at least feel less alone. Kinda scary being alone, and never understood.",moderate
dev_pid_65,"Maybe this thing can help. : There's this subreddit i created today for expressing feelings only you feel which u can't really categorise. 
 I am not saying this will cure you or something but maybe u can find some things about yourselves you never knew. 
Not judging and sorry if i offended anyone.
Here for your service..
 r/onlyifeel",moderate
dev_pid_66,"Depression is real. : I grew up in a super restrictive religion. Finally broke free at the age of 25. At the same time my wife left me. I’ve been floating through life trying to figure it out for the past year. She is still the only woman I’ve been with sexually. Social media and technology has ruined dating, it was so much easier 5 years ago. All I get is rejection and I go out trying to meet people 4 day a week. All the women I meet in my city are over 30 and don’t want anything to do with me once they find out I’m in my 20s. I’m a nice guy who lives a healthy and active lifestyle. I maintain good grooming and hygiene. I go to the gym daily. I do fun things to experience the beauty of life. But nobody wants me. Nobody wants to share in my joy. Sometimes I wonder who would even notice if I died. My family never calls me. I’m living alone in a different state. Working from home due to the coronavirus. I have no real friends. I can’t even get a woman to go on a date with me. I feel like dating is hopeless. All I want is someone to care about and someone that cares about me. I gave my exwife my all but she didn’t reciprocate it. It was almost obligatory because of the religion. Recently I found a great distraction with EDM music. I was even stoked for months to go to my first rave festival next weekend, which got cancelled for the goddamn coronavirus. I’m fucking depressed and have nothing to look forward to. I don’t know if my life will ever turn out well. I don’t know what to do to finally find peace and happiness in this life. Will I ever get to experience all that life has to offer? I try so hard but get no progress ever. I thought I learned to love myself and enjoy being wi tv myself because I do awesome things. But it doesn’t change what I want Deep inside - a real relationship with another human being. Either a friendship but preferably a girlfriend. Why does dating suck in 2020? Why has technology ruined human Interaction? 2012 was amazing in college- so many strangers would say hi to you on the paths walking to class. I took two years off. I return in 2015 and on the sidewalks everyone is staring at their phones and nobody says hi anymore. Yesterday I went to the grocery store and had a smile on and tried to make conversation and nobody wanted it. I have no sense of community. Who lives in all these houses in my neighborhood and how do I get to know them? It’s fucking depressing, the world we live in.",moderate
dev_pid_67,"Not okay. : It’s not okay to step on people while they’re down. If someone is crying, bummed, or if a kid drops their ice cream, they need a shoulder to cry on. 
It’s not okay to invalidate feelings someone else is having. A stubbed toe, or having a foot removed, people are all from different stories and while one may not know how to do a task or what terminology is for a tool, doesn’t make them less intelligent, or even less experienced. Just means the time they’ve spent has been in other things. 
It’s not okay to belittle someone based on one aspect of their personality or appearance. Someone may be a bit different than you are and that’s no reason to be elitist based on a stereotype or propaganda. 
It’s not okay to make someone feel less worthy of living. People who do or say things just to cause triggers in people need help just as badly as anyone. 
It’s not okay to pontificate on reddit about what is and isn’t okay when really all I want to do is carve a new scar into my arm. Seriously if you’re reading all of this I’m wasting your life and you know what that is?
Not okay.",moderate
dev_pid_68,"So Fcking depressed and shy : I don't know what to say, I have one friend who is almost always sick and has way too many friends to even consider hanging out with me. I have had one girlfriend which was literally from kindergarten to 5th grade. I'm 15 and i have never had any pressure of losing my virginity but since i live in Sweden almost 40% of guys lose it now, it feels like no girls like me because i look different. I barely go to school because i just sit at home crying and feeling like absolute shit because I'm so shy. I have been learning how to cry quietly and not making my family hear me. I'm in 9th grade now soon finishing it but not very sure if that's possible because I've been at home for so long. I've also been bullied since i was 5 and it keeps going. I've told teachers, My family, My one friend that I'm bullied but nothing happens. I've been thinking about suicide a lot and i really want to but i think I'll actually die alone and a virgin. This is not going to get better because you say ""It's fine, everyone is beautiful, someone will eventually love you"" That's complete bullshit",moderate
dev_pid_69,"im trying : I miss someone very badly. all I can think of is them. but I know I have to stay away from them, for our own good. 
so I'm trying. trying to live and not feel like everything is over. trying to forget them. and I'm doing okay. I haven't cried today. I feel sad all the time but I also want to get better. 
maybe that's the start of healing?",moderate
dev_pid_70,"need support : I’m exhausted and feel empty crying so often. My fiancé and I both have disabilities, and part of his make it difficult for him to understand emotions and he also disassociates so he doesn’t remember his abuse. He apologizes hours later, but he isn’t able to remember what he did. We’ve been trying to work through abuse for years, I just feel so numb yet so devastated at the same time. His abusive behaviors are coming back and it’s eating me alive, I’m drowning.",moderate
dev_pid_71,"Why? : If life is a game, then why can't I have a say in whether I want to end it? Why do we go to hell if we do so? God is the coach, life is the game, the bleachers are heaven. If someone is sick and tired of the game, they end it and go to the bleachers on Earth, but in God's world, he decided that the bleachers are hell. I didn't even ask for any of this. I didn't ask to be born into the world. I'd rather have emptiness, like when I'm sleeping, It's calmer.",moderate
dev_pid_72,"State of my life : At this point in my life I no longer want to kill myself I'm just at this point where I notice that I'm not really protecting myself anymore, I don't care about my own safety and I am aware of what I'm doing its just so hard to actually put the effort in to keep myself safe, I feel like I'm worse off now than I was while suicidal because at least then I knew I could keep myself safe when I wanted to",moderate
dev_pid_73,"Does anyone else push away friends sometimes? : I've recently been going through some nonsense and I just found myself wanting to be around my friends less and less. I've pretty much stopped talking to almost everyone and avoid them whenever I can, but tbh I don't really even know why. I just suddenly felt like I wasn't welcome anymore, but nothing changed at all and I'm not angry or upset with them.
Does anybody else do this?",moderate
dev_pid_74,"People think I'm pretending : I've gotten really good at pretending like I'm fine and I've done it for such a long time, that when I now finally have built up the courage to deal with my problems, people seem annoyed whenever I talk about how I feel because I mostly seem fine.
They seem to think I'm pretending for attention, and my friends having serious problems that they get alot of attention for doesn't make it better, it probably just make me seem like I want to be like them.
My friends have started to avoid me and just this morning my mom said it's probably just puberty. It's really frustating, I can't tell them just how seriously miserable I feel, because they would probably put me in a mental hospital, but because I can't tell them, they seem think I'm a dramaqueen for wanting help.",moderate
dev_pid_75,"Fired today : Today I was fired from my dream job where I have worked for 5 years. I unfortunately made a comment on social media regarding my political opinions on my private account. However, a coworker was offended by my comment, took a photo of my profile and the comment, and sent it to our HR department. I was immediately let go because my opinion did not match that of my company. I did not bash my company or anyone in anyway, it was just how I felt regarding a national policy. However, my company still decided my opinion did match theirs and terminated me immediately. My job was the only thing I have. Luckily I’m in an industry where there are a lot of opportunities. But I actually woke up looking forward to what I did. It was my calling and my life. My job was the only thing I had in my life. My boss teared up as she fired me, as we had a very strong professional relationship/friendship, but it was unfortunately a corporate social media policy.  She fought upper level management and defended me, but it wasn’t her final say. I must have looked like a sad puppy, I thanked her for the experience, told her no hard feelings towards her as this was my mistake, and held back tears as I handed in my badge and left the building. I broke down and hyperventilated in my car and felt physically ill. 
This was my first social media post in a year and I was feeling passionate and wanted to share my voice, a lot of my friends and strangers supported my opinion, but sadly my company disagreed. Now I have nothing. I have an overwhelming amount of support from friends and other coworkers, but I feel so ashamed, embarrassed, and hurt that someone hated me enough to try and sabotage my career and it worked. I have always seen the good in people and have never intentionally hurt anyone else. I’ve never hated anyone in my life, but right now I truly hate this person, whoever they are. I have a chronic illness and will not be able to afford my treatments, I love my home and will not be able to pay my rent now. My life just did a complete 180. I know in time things will get better and I will land on my feet, but I feel like a piece of human garbage right now. I can’t stop crying and I have some very dark thoughts about ways I could hurt myself and that I deserve to suffer. I wish I could go back in time and take my worlds back. 
I don’t know what I’m looking for right now, I guess I just need support, and advice from anyone who has maybe been through something similar. Or even just virtual hugs",moderate
dev_pid_76,"Already done with life and im only a teen : life has just been rough, i understand it is for everyone but not everyone is mentally prepared for it especially at a young age. God tested me at a young age and I failed, miserably. I was 9 and my dad told me my brother shot himself, a few months later my dad had a heart attack and heart failure and Im not able to see him. Few months go by and my parents split up, my dad stays in a hotel and my mom is selling the house, lose most of my childhood friends due to moving and now life is just, plain. Not even boring, just emotionless and flat. No where to go and nothing to do, spending my days in solitaire waiting for good news. At this point i’ve put all my faith in nothing and of course received nothing in return as thats just the way life goes for most of us. multiple relationships went bad not on my part, but just being under appreciated and lead on. My life is being picked now I would hope with a few friends and an old friend reconnecting with me, its been about 1 1/2 years since we became friends again and its hard to tell him about my emotions without feeling like i will push him away. on top of this my mom is still dating the man who she slept with when she cheated and that man is the uncle to my brothers last girlfriend who cheated on him multiple times, most likely causing him to become depressed. there family is evil and tried hiding evidence from me and my father about his suicides cause, by throwing away his suicide notes. at this point i dont know who to trust and what to look up for, i dont even know why i am writing this. 
im only 15 and already lost in the sick game of life",moderate
dev_pid_77,"How do I move on? : I love her, and now that love is only hurting me because I can't let go, I can't stop caring. How do you stop loving someone you truly love? How do you move on like they seem to have?",moderate
dev_pid_78,One of the worst things to ever deal with is being ugly : I wanna kill myself every time I see myself. It really hurts to catch a glance of yourself in the mirror.,moderate
dev_pid_79,Grief can take me out any time : Struggling with depression for awhile. Now I’m always on the verge about losing one of my loved ones. My grandma is getting old and I love her so much. I don’t know if I will be able bear the pain of losing her. I want her to be here with me. I’m scared of having to deal with grief.,moderate
dev_pid_80,"Doesn't Feel too good. :   
I wished someone would thank me for being alive, I wished someone would catch me when I was falling, I wish someone would tell me it was going to be okay.
My life’s become so sad, today I failed again a number on a paper that sticks in my head defining me. Today I realized I had never been happy… with myself I never laughed with myself never told myself I was the reason I was going to wake up happy being me. I was happy because I could see others happy, I was happy because I could make them smile and laugh. In the world we live in the ones who make others laugh are assumed to be the happiest which couldn’t be further from the truth, as I write this, I think about what has made me live for so long. And I concluded that it was seeing others have something that I could only share.
It’s sad to me. I never thought I was smart, I never wanted to be classified, but you gather people with common interests, and those are the people around me ‘smart’ ones at that. I never realised but admitting to them I wasn’t like them would be the hardest, I didn’t want to live a life of lies, telling myself I was like them, but I didn’t want them to leave; feeling they wouldn’t accept me, at least I felt like they wouldn’t .
Home isn’t easy either but it is what it is, I always knew we weren’t rich but I was grateful, I didn’t ask for much didn’t get much too eat and that’s how I lived, but dad would always compare to ‘the geniuses’ the kids who graduated uni at like 13 or whatnot with what he believed was ‘no assistance’ he talked ill of tutoring which is popular in my area. Not having the extra guidance others had always placed me behind them. Embarrassed he asked If I wanted to go tutoring as he realized most of his friends sent their children, but I could see his intentions were to force my mouth and say I didn’t, as he was always belittling those whoever asked for help in life or weren’t just naturally gifted which is what he thought to be the cause of intellect. I knew that if I performed poorly even with him spending the already low amount of money we had I would become the disappointment of the family, with a lack of esteem and confidence I didn’t take up his offer fearing the shame to come.
Yet the next day I wake up and continue living, fearing to fix the issues I face.",moderate
dev_pid_81,i want to kill myself but who will take care of my dogs : ,moderate
dev_pid_82,"Someone to talk to : I've been feeling super alone and empty for the past few days, and I just want someone to talk to because I only have one friend in real life and I am not going to constantly bombard her with the depressing shit always running through my head. I am not sure what to do.",moderate
dev_pid_83,Dating with depresaiom : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_84,"Brief vent of a long issue : Chronic depression takes many colors and smells.
It stays for you for so long so it evolves as yourself.
Chronic depression can be a flower-ish social butterfly, a dusty writer, a goner punk or an emotional retro-artist.
It mixes up with your favorite songs, your hideouts, your likes and dislikes. And if you don't separate ways you'll see someone besides you. Much like yourself jus rotting away.",moderate
dev_pid_85,"I can't even articulate how fucking angry I am at everything right now. : I don't even wanna elaborate too much.
I'm angry because I'm angry in the first place. 
This constant need for validation and love from people that don't matter needs to stop. 
But it will never stop. It's a never-ending cycle of feeling lonely, seeking friendship, realizing you can't make people like you, and severing ties with a community that didn't care and probably didn't even know you. 
Rinse and fucking repeat. It's all so fucking pointless. 
The worst part is, I don't even know what to do with myself after leaving. I don't matter to these people yet I'm obsessed with them.
What is wrong with me? I need to know where everything went wrong. This mixture of low-self esteem and idolization of others is lethal to me. I can't deal with this shit.
 I need a distraction. I need to focus on the people that are actually in my life. I need to spend less time online. I need to fucking die sometimes.",moderate
dev_pid_86,"Everything’s a struggle : I swear I live my whole life just struggling to find the motivation to do whatever comes next. I wake up every morning and decide I’d rather sleep another 2 minutes than brush my teeth. I decide it’s better to sleep a few more minutes than to pack a lunch that day. When I finally get to school I don’t wanna leave the parking lot. I struggle every day to make the decision to go to school when I just wanna stay in my car and listen to music.
The whole day goes like that. I even find myself struggling to find the motivation to go to bed. As much as I want to sleep, I stay up all hours of the night delaying the inevitable beginning of tomorrow.",moderate
dev_pid_87,"Ahh here we go again. : The corona virus. I’m not allowed to go to school, or out for that matter for 30 days. A whole month. I thought, maybe 30 days of free time will allow me to improve myself/learn new skills and such. The problem is one of the MAJOR triggers for my depressive episodes is isolation. My group of friends are the reason I have been recovering. Now that I can’t see them for a month I’m honestly scared. It’s been four days now, and it doesn’t feel that bad yet. I just remember the last time I had a huge depressive episode due to isolation, and it’s pretty traumatic. I gained weight, had social anxiety, could barely talk or move around. Like I was glued to the bed. I hope this time it’s different. If it hits again I don’t know what will happen, what I’m going to think, whether I’m going to start harming myself again. Myself right now thinks and views life different from myself in a depressive episode. It’s scary because it’s like that’s a completelt different person that I can’t control. So i have to prevent it. I need to see someone I know. Thirty more days to go and then life will be back to normal.. hopefully.",moderate
dev_pid_88,"Everything : I just can’t think clearly right now, so I need to say it. At some point I needed to say it. I don’t know if you reading this knows me, or your trying to size me up, or if you’re just a stranger passing by looking for, I don’t know, whatever, but I’m about to just say everything about me. As much as I can at least. All of my worst and everything. I just needed clear my head. This is probably gonna be a long one
As a basis I need to start by saying, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, like if everything I think is because I actually have some sort of problem or if I’m just faking it? Who knows. Maybe I am just faking it for whatever reason, because it’s a lot easier for me to pretend something is inherently wrong with me and not that my actions are the direct cause of how I feel, which they are, but still the thought that I am not in control makes me feel a bit better? Who knows
What I do know is that I’m definitely not normal. I’ve always felt a diluted sense of emotions. Sometimes I’m just unable to truly feel, and I doubt whether the emotions I do feel are real or figments that’s I’ve conjured up. I’m definitely an apathetic person, without care for really anything, having to force myself to care about goals or people. And so I find it difficult to empathize with others, in fact I find it impossible to truly connect with others. Because I don’t care about the people I should care about. I have a long history of hurting those I care about, abandoning them or saying hurtful things because I want to see them hurting. I don’t really know why. Maybe I’m just psychotic. But I never truly felt bad for others even when I know I should. I just don’t feel capable of caring about people. But I’m not entirely emotionless either (apparently I can’t even commit to that). I do feel severe guilt in honesty. I feel guilt that I don’t care as much as I should. I feel melancholy when I realize I don’t have as strong of a connection to people as I should. I wish I could just have normal attachments and sentiments to people but, people come and go, and I simply could not care in the slightest. But it hurts me to realize that. To realize that I should care but I don’t. And I feel pity for those who care. Which is why I try pushing people away. Because I don’t want to hurt them, but I know I will. So I keep them away from me so they don’t have to hurt. Whether if that’s because I do care about their feelings or to simply avoid feeling guilty I don’t know, but that’s the way it is. So if you know me and your reading this, I’m sorry for, everything I know I’ve done. For turning my back, for disappearing, for being unable to help you, or for hurting you, I’m sorry I refuse your attempts at trying to get close or trying to be genuine or trying to help me. I just don’t want you to get hurt.
But that’s just the people. That’s just my emotions and my sociable aspects of all the shit. Of course it can’t be that simple, there is much much more. Where does the apathy come from however? In short, I’m unable to care for others and for even myself, because I don’t feel attached to anything. I mean I literally don’t feel attached to myself. For visual reference is feels like I’m a ghost attached to a host which is my body. I feel a strange disconnect to myself and to the world. I feel as though I’m not the person I see in the mirror. Almost as if I’m simply an observer of my own world, of my own story. I feel like I have no true control but only the illusion of control. I feel trapped and I feel detached. Sometimes I even feel PHYSICALLY detached. Sometimes I feel as if I’m being pulled apart from my body, I feel lighter and I feel numb and cold. So it feels like I’m not me if that makes sense. So how am I supposed to be attached to things in a world that doesn’t seem real? It feels like I’m reading a story, I read the lives of these characters and for a time, I enjoy it and I care for these people. However it’s a fake emotion, because these people simply aren’t real, they are fictional characters in a fantasy world. That’s what everything feels like to me, like everything doesn’t matter because it’s all fake, because it feels like it’s all fake, so why should I give a shit? 
And the apathy is one of the worst things. It makes me unmotivated and it makes me not do the things I do want to do. I can’t solve any of my problems because I don’t care enough to try. I waste every opportunity handed to me because I couldn’t give a shit. So not only am I a mental fucking mess, I’m also just a shitty person. A person who both, doesn’t care about others, and doesn’t contribute. And it’s not as if I can’t achieve. So much feels as if I can accomplish without trying, how I made it thus far. I’ve managed my way through school without even trying, usually doing better than a lot of the students. I am and always have been able to learn quickly and I could’ve been an amazing student, however I don’t care enough to make that a reality. So many times teachers tell me of my potential, that wasted potential I was given that I refuse to do anything about. Because I simply don’t give a shit about myself or others to make it a reality. And so I waste time, and I waste resources, and I am a waste of just everything ever handed to me. I refuse to let others waste their time on me because I don’t see the point. I hate when people try to help me because I won’t change, because I don’t care enough to change. So if you read this and think you want to try and give me advice or try and “save me”, don’t, because you’ll just waste your breath. It won’t change me, because I don’t want to change, I think of myself as too much of a waste to get help. I’m too far gone, it’s too late. So please. Save yourself the bother, don’t even try to help me. That goes for both strangers and my friends.
Even now I’m getting tired of writing this, because I know it doesn’t matter, it’s just me talking to no one. If you’re actually reading this, and for some reason you care, don’t, because I don’t even care so why should you?  I know it’s just me rambling, it doesn’t even make sense probably. I’m speaking to the void, to an audience I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anyways. There is so much I want to say so many thoughts but I just don’t know what they are they over take me. So this isn’t everything as I wanted it to be but I guess it’s enough. It doesn’t matter
However I want to leave with one last note, one important thing I just NEED to say. I don’t know how I’ve made it this far. I don’t know why I’ve made it this far. I don’t know why I wake up or what I’m planning on going for or how long I’m going but I just keep going. I’ve tried to kill myself. Even now I want to kill myself. I want to grab a rope and walk into the woods, and never come out. It’s just the way I feel. I’m tired of living a life where I’m not happy, and I’m not going to be happy, where I don’t care and I won’t care, where there is nothing and there is going to be nothing. What’s the point! I want to disappear, I wish I could just stop. I wish I had died to those pill all those years ago, I wish the rope hadn’t snapped I wish I could just do it. But I’m too much of a coward. Because I know I need to die and that it’s fruitless to keep going but I just don’t. I don’t know what the point of any of this is. The letter or my life. I just want to die. That’s what I truly feel. Is a constant craving for death.",moderate
dev_pid_89,"My Chemistry paper was so bad : I had studied the last 2 months b4 exams but i didnt do proper revision b4 exams . I wrote what i could but after analyzing my paper I realised only 25 marks was surely correct . To get through , i need  21 n im scared af . I dont wanna fail . I know im not a dumb student n i was capable but i only studied the last two months . I really dont want to face my family because i know im nothing but a disappointment !",moderate
dev_pid_90,A heavy mix of depression with some ptsd : I never learned coping mechanisms younger. It has reared its ugly head quite a few times. thought i  was good but not so much tonight. man why can you not just not suck and be a disappointment for good. I know it its all in my brain but. idk,moderate
dev_pid_91,"How do find motivation to do basic things? : My Depression has completely taken over my life to the point where I end up spending most of my time locked away in my room. 
I honestly just wish I never existed in the 1st place 
Only thing keeping me going is my family and the thought of overcoming Depression and finally feel at peace with myself. 
Right now I've been trying to push myself to eat more but for what? I'm fuckin garbage anyways",moderate
dev_pid_92,"Life Sucks :  TL;DR - every time I take a step forward I end up making 2 step backwards and I'm tired of it.
P.S. - apologize beforehand for all the grammar and spelling mistakes.
Chapter 1 - Leaving the Swamp
I was born in a small Russian ghost town called Amursk back in 1999. As I grew up I've witnessed the town falling apart and everyone leaving. My mom was one of those people. Being a decent English speaker she decided to move to the US in an attempt to start a new life. Before she left; she promised to me and my grandma that she will get us out of there. However, it would be years until her promise would be fulfilled.
My town wasn't the only thing failing to succeed. I was a bad test-taker and my grades were awful. My grandma was a regular visitor in my principal's office. I hated my life and started hanging with the wrong people just to feel the sense of belonging and approval.
Finally, on September of 2016, me and my grandma get a call from my mom saying that she got married, found a stable job and has already bought us tickets to the United States. Our excitement was immeasurable.
After all these years I thought that I would finally stop being a loser and become a new, better version of myself. I was never so wrong in my entire life...
Chapter 2 - Melting Pressure
During the first 2 months of me being here, my mom and my stepdad send an application to a local high school. My stepdad is from Trinidad and Tobago and has seen what the lack of education can lead to. He was very impatient with me going to high school as soon as possible. I was super stressed out. I didn't know a whole lot of English; I didn't have any friends over here; I didn't know the culture and the expectations that American teens had.
Being a bad test-taker and being pissed by the apathy that a lot of teachers had towards their students; I decided to cheat. My logic was that if you don't wanna bother putting any energy in gettin your students interested - I'm not gonna put any energy in studying your material. Miraculously, I managed to graduate the high school.
Now there was another challenge - going to college. I took 6 SATs in the following months after my graduation and I failed every single one of them. After my final SAT I said fuck it and decided to join the Army. If I can't work with my brain let's see if I can work my muscles. My parents weren't too happy about me joining, but they understood the lack of other options.
Chapter 3 - Sweat and Sorrow
Turns out I suck at being a soldier as well.
I barely graduated BCT (Basic Combat Training) with all the minimum requirements. 1 less pushup or sit up or 10 seconds more on the run - and I would fail. From that point I already knew that the chance of me graduating AIT (Advanced Individual Training) wasn't too high either. I was right. On October 2018, I got a knock on the door from my drill sergeant saying that I will not participate in the graduating ceremony (both of us already knew that, he just had to make it official).
The process of being discharged is not quick and it takes weeks, sometimes months. During this tiem I met a guy who offered me to move to Nebraska to live with him and 2 other roommates. He was living with his parents, I was living with mine and I didn't sound like a bad option. I agreed.
He left 2 weeks before me and before he left we exchanged the numbers.
Chapter 4 - Great Plains Are Not So Great After All
After I got home, my parents were both happy and dissapointed. There was an unpleasant feeling of uncertainty in the house that none of us liked. After giving myself a couple of days to rest, I decided to call him \[the guy I met in the Army\] and ask if he is still down to move out. He says yes.
After a short conversation with my parents we decided that maybe starting over in a new state will help somehow. I bought a plane ticket the same day and was gone within a week.
I moved in, I got my NE ID, found a job. Everything was fine at first and for the first time I thought that maybe something will finally work out. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be writing this post if everything went fine. After living together for 5+ months we \[me and my roommates\] started to get into conflicts and disputes. It reached it's climax on March 8, when my ""buddy"" started spreading rumors about me and had enough of it. I told him that if he doesn't stop, bad things will happen. He didn't stop. 
That evening - me, him, and another roommate got into a huge fight. Fucked up all of the living room, threw a couple of dishes at one another, etc. To put it shortly, after the fight was over all we wanted to do was to kill one another. I had to move out. I had to go back again.
Chapter 5 - \[present\]
I'm so fuckin tired of everything. My life is a chain of bad decisions and poor executions and I'm so done with it. I had hopes and aspirations, but now I have none of it. Everything seems meaningless at this point. I'm tired of taking life's challenges and not getting anything in return. Fuck this shit.",moderate
dev_pid_93,"How do you guys regain motivation? : I’ve been going through a pretty bad episode lately.  I can’t get out of bed most days, and have been missing all my classes, lost my job, and have lost contact with all my friends. 
I’ve been able to bribe myself to get out of bed to go on a run every few days which gives me the motivation to do a small prep so I’ll have something to eat but otherwise can’t focus on doing anything for longer than 7 minutes if I’m lucky.
Any thing you guys do to find the motivation to do anything productive?",moderate
dev_pid_94,"It's all me : Im the origin of all my own problems. Not anyone else. Just me. I've always been my own worst enemy from a young age. Looking back on it,  it seems I ruin everything I touch. I can't maintain close connections with people I either isolate or avoid or fuck it up with my own actions (not in an evil way, but my insecurity and fearfullness ruins everything). I'm cursed to be a fuck up with no prospects, or relationships. The cosmos doesn't want me to succeed. I guess I'm just destined to be alone. I literally don't understand what other purpose I serve being alive right now, aside from making myself and other people miserable.",moderate
dev_pid_95,"Haven't left the house in two months...but I'm sick, again. : I was just laying in bed attempting to sleep, and am unable to because I'm so focused on a dry scratchiness in the back of my throat. I can't think of a time where I've felt this kind of feeling and it wasn't a precursor to me getting sick. I've been feeling off and weak all day, but I go through a lot of drops in energy so I didn't think anything of it. 
I just had the flu a few weeks ago. So twice within a two month period where I didn't even leave the house I'm getting sick. I bitch a lot, I feel my life is unfair a lot, but this is utterly unfair. I'm used to getting sick about once every three years and it is usually mild, twice in two months is unheard of for me. 
Naturally I have to wonder if it's the coronavirus, I saw news that it is here in my city. 
Two months in isolation has burned through my food stores, I'm pretty much down to canned beets and peas at this point. Gonna be a rough ride if I'm getting sick as I expect. 
I'm already struggling to make rent, I really can't be taken out of commission right now.",moderate
dev_pid_96,"Life is just very bland, to an uncomfortable, empty degree : So, for some back context I am 22, male, I live with my girlfriend, 18, and I left home to move across the country for work (New Zealand, moved from Wellington to Tauranga, basically 400km away from where I grew up, all my family and friends).
Things have been up and down, but despite days where things are good, things also feel highly negative anyway. For example, today I spent 5 hours cleaning my car by hand, polishing, waxing, etc and it felt good to clean it up. As most of you may know, when you get into a slump your environments tend to fall down into a mess with you. So it felt good to tidy it up finally. Despite that, I don't feel accomplished, I don't feel happy, partly stems from finding out my girlfriend had been lying to me for 6 months about her smoking habit, and despite switching to a vape to restart quitting for real this time I still feel extremely stuck on that. Not hate, just another thing contributing to this overall bland feeling that things are just happening around me in life and I'm not really involved in it.
I have good hours at work, my boss is amazingly understanding, I have a family wedding approaching in 3 weeks. Yet all of it I feel increasingly detached from.
It's hard to describe, I don't feel like crying, I don't feel like suicide, I don't feel like self harm, I just feel empty, unattached to anything going on, it doesn't matter if I act in situations because bad things occur anyway like I don't exist in my friendships and relationship, so I feel like if I just stop existing nothing would alter, nobody would be affected, like I was never there in the first place.
I have good days, nothing goes wrong at all, but still I don't feel happy I don't feel good it's just a day where nothing overly bad happened so it's classified as good.
I've lost all motivation to show up to my job, I do the bare minimum to pay my rent and bills then I call sick and I'm ashamed of it, I hate being at home but if I show up to work all that happens is I get a panic attack, crawl into the bathroom and have a breakdown for half an hour and everyone questions it.
I can't even bother to take myself out anywhere, unless it's important I shut any idea I have down and just sit in bed.
All of it just gets hit with ""what's the point ill just be using my time being sad and moody elsewhere so why bother going out""
Just needed a rant really, all my friends I had here in town were workmates who have now quit for university and moved away, the new hires don't speak English and are older, my girlfriend is here but she has her own issues and unloading all my unhappiness on her will just make more issues than it'll help because nobody can fix me, except myself and my own motivation to get out of this rut.
I just wish I had a circle to come drag me out of the house, or people on discord to game with, literally any form of contact to fill my time in with and rediscover love for doing things.
Hopefully things pick up soon",moderate
dev_pid_97,"Reaching out and no one responds : I've been feeling very suicidal in the past year and have opened up about it. No one follows up or cares. My girlfriend just ignores me when I tell her I am having a hard time. This sounds like I am always talking about it but I keep everything to myself 99% of the time. The 1% that I open up I get met with radio silence. Even counselors are unhelpful and end up talking about their life or tell me that I seem pretty on top of things when I am really struggling.   
I feel like I will never succeed at not being a piece of crap in life. I am so lazy and all I want to do it get high and watch TV. I want to help the world but I am so lazy. I go to uni but I do the bare minimum to get OK grades and that's so exhausting. I feel like everyone got the shortcut keys in life and I always forget the code and have to rewrite it and I just want to give up.",moderate
dev_pid_98,Not here again. : I cant do this. I cant be here again. What do you guys do when none of your coping methods work and you feel like you're backsliding into your old self-destructive coping methods?,moderate
dev_pid_99,I'm flooding a friend's direct messages online. I can't stop. I'm in complete disarray. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_100,"back to square one : I've been typing out and then deleting shit here for the past 3 hours now. I really have no idea where to begin or end. I'll just say I hate myself. I hate my depression. I hate my anxiety. I hate being bipolar. I hate how I trade one addiction for another without even realizing it. And I HATE having adhd with all of my heart and soul. I'm 24 now and have nothing to show for it at all. I just daydream all day long every day. I wish one of the bands I was in back in high school had blown up. I wish I had continued with my drama classes and tried to be an actor. The only times I can escape are when I pretend to be the musician or in the band i'm listening to or pretend i'm one of the characters in one of the films or shows I like. It's pathetic. It's becoming too hard to bandage reality with substance abuse and recently I started starving myself for no reason other than that I don't get hungry on my adderall prescription so I choose not eat. It's making me sore from head to toe and achy, I taste a bitter taste in my mouth all day long and randomly get so cold that I have to crawl into fetal position under blankets until my body calms down. Some nights I just feel like i'm dying. I'm sure I have some kind of disease but am too scared and depressed to go to a doctor. Some nights I just don't care and actually hope there is a terminal illness creeping up on me. I deleted any social media where I know people just to see who would miss me and nobody does just like every other friend group i've ever been in. I was supposed to go back to college this semester but didn't. Aiming for the summer semester but I don't even know why I'm accumulating credits when my GPA is shit and I don't even know what the fuck I want to do with my future. I just hate myself. Approaching 36+ hours of not sleeping again. I'm gonna sit in my bed and entertain myself with the hallucinations and micro-sleep drowsiness while I smoke myself into a miniature coma. I wish I was never born. Goodnight.",moderate
dev_pid_101,"I stupidly ran a red light while looking at it...I think...do I subconsciously want to kill myself or something? :  I've only been driving for a month and i guess my mind was on something else but DEAR GOD WHY DID I DO THAT!!!!! IT WAS SO STUPID. I could not stop thinking about it all day!! 
 I was doing so good too....thank god I was driving at night during this where the road was dead because if it was during the day a bus could have hit me out of nowhere or something...",moderate
dev_pid_102,"I really hate myself for the thing I did to my ex wife awhile back and you’ll hate me too after this post : Another night just venting again really help.
Yea it’s been a year. Time really goes by really quickly I know I shouldn’t think about her but it’s the most hardest. Whenever I think about Disney. Yes the movies and music and the park I just have emotional break down it’s not because I’m sad it’s because that was last moments we were happy together before all the fighting and etc. the last fight started was because we were coming back from Disney world and my dad gave me 100 dollars just to helps us because at the time we had no money after the park I lost my job. How would I knew taking the 100 dollars would cost me my marriage in my head I was thinking maybe we can use the 100 for a bill or food or etc. 
I was selfish all the times really Childlike not didn’t take thing seriously 
I know I might get a lot of hate for this but I did something really stupid and not thinking what could happened why this person hates me the most 
Well I lied to her texting her from a unknown number saying it was my dad and I was missing .causing her to almost lost her job and her life  how stupid can I be I deserved to be lonely because that some psycho stuff there I deserved to be lock away in a crazy house 
I know I mean get a lot of down votes but I want you guys to know the truth why my wife left me 
I’m happy that she found someone else who can actually treated her better even if it tears me apart I dug up this hole I deserved this I’m sorry 
I’m sorry D.S.  
I’m a fuckup 
A horrible person 
I hate the person i become 
I was a horrible husband who didn’t deserve someone like you",moderate
dev_pid_103,"A list of reasons : My regrets
-I regret giving BJs to older boys
-I regret letting people take advantage of me
-I regret being a teacher's pet
-I regret letting people tell me who I am (because now I don't know who I am)
-I regret being the 'equipment manager' for the softball and volleyball teams.
-I regret letting people feel sorry for me
-I regret being 'friends' with the teachers
-I regret letting my so called friends in my life ""Mag"", ""Cor'', and ""Cod""
-I regret coming out because now I've got doubts
-I regret leaving my first job because I would probably be a manger now
-I regret telling people I was back in school because since my mom passed away I have had to quit and now I'm lying to people
There are so many more 'regrets'. THIS is what keeps me up at night. This and not knowing who I am.",moderate
dev_pid_104,"Just tired of trying : It has been 4 long years since my breakdown and I guess I'm tired of trying to keep afloat every single day. Some days, like today, I don't know if I have it in me to keep going. The depression consumes you and you can't figure out which way to turn.
I'm tired of trying to find distractions.
I'm tired of trying to keep friendships going. Trying to find people that understand.
I'm tired of trying to function like a normal person whatever that means. You know, do normal things like chores, grocery shopping, exercise, eat healthily, sleep etc.
I'm tired of trying to convince myself that I'm worthy of love. Worthy of a relationship. Worthy of having someone in my life that loves me just the way I am because I don't love myself as I am that's for sure. 
I'm tired of fighting anxiety every minute of the day.
I'm tired of the persistent voice of self-doubt and self-hate. 
I'm tired of trying to work at the few relationships I do have.
I'm tired of looking for work.
There's more, I'm sure, but I'll stop now. I'm not physically exhausted I'm mentally tired. Does anyone relate?",moderate
dev_pid_105,Confuzzled : He wanted to ask me out for a couple months and I said I will say yes. And then in May he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship 😭😭😭 he said in May he’ll understand if I don’t want to talk anymore. It hurt too much so September 2019 I deleted him without saying goodbye. He didn’t ask why because he respects what he did. I want to add back :((,moderate
dev_pid_106,"Wouldn’t crack a smile if I won a trillion dollars. : There’s nothing fucking great about that at least to  me. Why get it so I can get a shitty house to stay in all day to just watch my fucking fictional shows alone since I hate everyone. Or get a super expensive car just so I can just flex on poor people and just drive pretty much nowhere since I hate every place and am disgusted by every person (myself included). I couldn’t care less about fucking clothes or being “stylish” because it’s unnecessary and I’m not trying to attract attention to myself or get a fucking girlfriend anymore. Couldn’t care less about traveling this shitty smelly diseased world just to see some different buildings, people, and also cultures that I don’t understand. I have seen and experienced enough of this world and this world can use less humans anyway.  I hate existing and the fucking feeling of it and sadly after I die I’m probably going to be reborn as some strange thing in the universe or somewhere in existence. If popping up from non existence can happen one time it can definitely happen another time and possibly infinite times after that sadly.",moderate
dev_pid_107,"How to cope with the impeding death of my dog with heart disease : Sorry already for any grammar issues, English is not my native language.
Last weekend my 9 year old chihuahua was feeling down and just sleeping, not eating. I had to take him to the vet during the night because his condition deteriorated. The vet took blood and x-rays and said his heart murmur was very strong and I needed to come on Tuesday for an ultrasound for his heart. I suffer from depression and anxiety and my boy is my world, he is my support and friend. He got some medication and felt better, so we could safely wait until Tuesday to get the exam done. After the ultrasound the vet said that he had a condition very normal for senior chihuahuas, his heart was enlarged and during pumping the blood was leaking in the left ventricle. The vet said with four medications his condition would become stable but that he only had one year left  until he would be getting breathing issues, fainting and other things common for heart failure. I was devastated and cried. 
These past nights have been horrible. I can't sleep or eat and I have seen three nightmares, all the same: my dog is dying and I am screaming his name but can't get to him and I just hear his whimpering and see his eyes. I wake up in cold sweat and check that he is still breathing. I feel lost. I didn't know his impeding death would be this difficult for me to accept, before this I at least was understanding of the fact that he is a senior dog and some day he too will pass. I don't know what to do. 
He is now happy and energetic again with the medication but I have a fear that one day in the near future I will come home and he is dead. If you have had the same situation with your dog, how fast did his condition deteriorate with heart failure and was anything helpful with coping with the loss?",moderate
dev_pid_108,"I ghosted everybody and I feel amazing : Well, maybe amazing is too much. But I feel so much better.
I deleted all my social media (aside from reddit, no one in my life knows of this account). Without all the added pressure of pretending I’m okay, talking to acquaintances that really don’t give a shit about you, and constantly having to see how good everyone else’s lives are, I feel like I’m free.
The few people that care text me, and that’s all I really need. Although I’m still struggling with a lot of anxiety and depression, I feel like the ton of bricks that was sitting on my chest turned into a small pile.
Just wanted to vent and share my thoughts, if anyone has any similar experiences and some tips for the future, I’d love to hear them!",moderate
dev_pid_109,Fuck you all : I had one person. ONE. who messaged me to see if I’m okay. ONE. I don’t know if I will be. But FUCK YOU ALL. I HATE WVERY SINGLE PERSON EVER.,moderate
dev_pid_110,"I'm about to give up. : I don't know if I am suicidal but I am so jaded that I don't care if I will live or die.
I just accepted that my childhood dream of being a filmmaker will never happen. I never really pursued it because of lack of money. I finally bought a camera when I was 21 and I got into so much shit with my family because it was money that could have been spent on other things. And when I looked into doing paid work in cinema I realized it would take several months to years of unpaid work to go after it and my mom needed me to pay bills now. At 21, the age I should have been trying to start my life, I was expected to pay off the house that we were living in which of course no one at 21 could possibly do. We lost the house anyway and I am now almost 30 and I still share a room with my brother. I still get guilted into not moving out because my mom can't afford rent without me. I am basically in a pickle where I can't afford to make my mom and myself happy so I chose my mom's happiness. And I feel like living in Orange County is just extra salt in the wounds. It's so close to Los Angeles where the film industry is centered in yet it is inconveniently far enough that my busy work schedule (I work a safe office job that drains me of my mental energy and I have only gotten stupider since taking it) makes it too difficult to actually be there. And the only way I can describe the OC is that it is Los Angeles for people who think mayo is spicy and their favorite artist is Hootie and Blowfish. 
I refuse to date at this point because I can't look at myself in the mirror. I hate myself for just giving up on my childhood dreams and I don't feel worthy of being loved. This is not a life I would want to share with anyone. 
I don't know what else to write. I know that I won't kill myself but if I knew growing up that this is how my life would turn out I probably would have. And I did try making YouTube videos with friends but it never happened because of scheduling and friends suddenly thinking they were too talented for me when all they did was get a few roles as an extra. 
I don't know where I am going to go from here. I Just feel like I fell into a rough current and I don't care what happens from this point on.",moderate
dev_pid_111,"Being depressed is not a choice! : I hate it when people say that you choose to be depressed. Especionaly when it comes out of my BFF mouth. I mean, if you dont know shit about things like this, fucking dont act like a smartass.",moderate
dev_pid_112,Witnessing a soul train is truely sadenu : ,moderate
dev_pid_113,"My family and I got kicked out of our apartment and I realise how useless I have become. : A couple weeks ago we got asked to leave our apartment of which we've been renting from for 8 years. A little backstory, I am 17 and haven't regularily gone to school for 4 and a half years. I had to go to court for it every year until I turned 16, through that time I went to many different psychologists, was on probation for a year and finally started taking medication! For the past year I've been feeling much better and stopped considering self harm as an option. Fast forward to the present and I am sleeping in the basement living room of my grandparents house. No job, no school and only grade 10 education. I keep thinking about where to go from here and how much time I have wasted.
(I'm gonna stop worrying about proper grammer now cause its too tiring)
Recently I've been feeling a decline in my cognitive ability and memory and that really scares me. I keep trying to think of some kind of job I can do but most times I finally get the courage to apply I read Highschool Diploma or higher. Then I go back to wallowing in self pity and feeling sorry for myself. I hate how little I exercise I get but everytime I try to do it I miss a day or two and quit. I cant even enjoy gaming with my friends most days now and I feel like I have no redeeming qualities. I am unhappy with my weight and I feel like a dissapointment to my family who are super supportive of me considering how useless I am.
Anyway the point is I am 17, I can barely take care of myself and I am terrified of the future. Any advice?",moderate
dev_pid_114,I feel like crying everyday but I can't : Anyone feel like this?,moderate
dev_pid_115,"Someone ! : Can anybody help me, I just need to talk .",moderate
dev_pid_116,"Instead of runner’s high I get runner’s low : Anyone else like this? I used to get runner’s high. Now running just makes me super depressed. 
It’s just not right that my mind is talking everything away from me that I once enjoyed.",moderate
dev_pid_117,"Sadness aside, anybody got mw? Lookin for a squad. : Maybe some late night gaming will make the stress go away..",moderate
dev_pid_118,"I can't anymore... : The only thing keeping me alive is spite towards depression and how soul crushing it might be to my family if they care for me. It just doesn't feel like they do. My dad and I got into a fight yesterday... After yesterday I want something to end it all for me. And I hope I die of COVID-19... All my life I've been told to MAN up and it's been crushing my soul + the fact that I feel like I was bullied a lot in elementary, but I honestly don't know cause im such a sensitive sack of shit. Kill me please...",moderate
dev_pid_119,"My wife left me. : We were together for 6 years. Everything seemed good. She seemed like her happy normal self leading up to it. Even on the morning it happened I was getting ready for work she kinda awoke smiled at me said said she loved me and to have a good day. Then 2 hours later I got the text saying she was leaving me and she was already gone. No explanation given. I just feel so lost. I don't know what to do. Nothing has been able to help me escape the darkest places of my mind, even video games which are my escape from the real world cant distract me. I really don't have any friends to talk to or hang out with. I'm sorry I didn't know where else to go. Thanks for reading.",moderate
dev_pid_120,"Corona cured my depression? : I had a terrible depression the last weeks because my life was becoming a mess and I didn't feel like I didn't contribute anything to the world. Right now my entire country is in a lockdown because of corona virus and everyone's life is a mess. Colleges and universities are closed and all events are cancelled. I don't feel worthless anymore for sitting at home doing nothing because that's what's the entire country is doing until April 1st at least. This might sound strange or selfish but corona has done good things for my mental health. Thanks, I guess? Even though it's a terrible virus and I hope it will be gone soon for the sake of mankind.",moderate
dev_pid_121,"I have the power to choose the way to live my life. : As I was doing laundry, this just hit me suddenly. The depression inside of me is not going away and probably gonna stay forever. However, I still have the choice to choose the way I live my life. Either I can binge eat junk food everyday or cook a healthy meal for myself. Either I can stay at home to stare at a blank wall all day or go to the gym to work my ass off. Either I can YouTube and Netflix all day or start polishing my resume and cover letters and apply for internships and jobs. Yes, depression sucks. I hate depression more than anything. Everyday might feel hopeless, but the last thing I have to do is believe in myself. I won’t be the greatest person ever, but I will live my life to the fullest, with no regrets.",moderate
dev_pid_122,"My perspective : Please listen to me and don’t ban before listening. All of this anguish, pain, self doubt, and hopelessness has cursed us, we have even been thrown into the darkest depths of emotional emptiness, nothing to fight for, nothing to live for, there seems like there is no salvation, we are abandoned. Trust me I’ve felt it. 
But isn’t it beautiful, isn’t it the most poetically glorious thing, when the soldier walks through the trenches of hell, through bombardments of demonic fire,  the strongest adversary he has ever faced in his life, losing friends and limbs. It seems like he will never be whole again, but forty years later, maybe fifty, he is sitting in his old wooden chair, his grandchildren playing in the yard, and finally, there it is, strangely... peace, freedom, everything he had fought through has led him here, but he had to fight like hell, he had to push through, he had stared death himself in the face and had the guts to stick it to him. 
Why let it all go now? Yes you may never be able to achieve your ultimate dreams, yes you may never meet your dream  partner, yes you may not even reach your goals or the expectations of others, no matter how hard you try, that’s reality, but that’s just how it is, but there IS a life out there, and it’s better than death, one that isn’t as painful and shit and unbearable as it is now, there 100 percent is, maybe as a school teacher, maybe even a construction worker with all your construction worker buddies, maybe you find something you are good at, Ju jitsu, painting, music, maybe you find a friend you love spending time with, maybe you finally meet a girl or boy with great effort, maybe step by step after years you overcome the social anxiety, maybe you build yourself in the gym and form a body you never thought you could have, maybe you could get a job that you are atleast content with, and you can use that money to help and improve others, it may not be a life of glamour, but it’s something. And when you set those goals, and you work towards them with everything you have, every single hour, second put in, with every blood sweat and tear poured in and you finally make it, with little goals like this, wouldn’t it feel infinitely better? 
And when you had walked through the roaring fires like those soldiers before you, and you’re standing on the peak, the peak you have for yourself, you will know that you have made it, you made something of your life, there isn’t only emptiness, at that point, I promise, it will have all been worth it. 
The weak die by giving up, suicide? No such thing, that is pathetic, we all fade away in the end, no matter where you are or where you who you will end up like those who have given up, but what differienciates you? You fought, you stayed when those weaker than you couldn’t, be rich or die trying, be happy or die trying, you have the right to be happy, and if this life derives you of it, the FIGHT, you may not make it, but atleast you didn’t go out like a coward and who knows, maybe you will make it, if not now, than in 20 or 30 or 60 years but it will and can happen!",moderate
dev_pid_123,":’) : Like to apologise in advance as it’s difficult to word what i’m feeling. 
I don’t necessarily think i’m depressed but I struggle to understand what I want out of life. Currently 18 and have just started University (seems fun) but I don’t know what the fk i’m doing there, people have clear goals with what they’re studying but I’m only there because it peaked my interest. I know a lot of people but only a few I consider close and even then we barely see each other outside of uni. I spend most of my day (outside of uni) training and playing games/distracting myself, though when I find myself doing nothing I try to think of what I want in life and I start tear up. I don’t have any goals besides sporting goals and feel like a huge disappointment; everything feels pointless. What’s the point in studying so hard if you’re not gonna take it anywhere? It’s just an endless cycle of distracting myself and feeling like shit.
There are people worse off, people struggling to make ends meet and just scraping by and i’m just being a bitch right? Maybe i’ll just suck it up like always and walk around campus listening to music longing for a purpose.
(No disrespect to those of you who’re struggling with more serious issues in regards to that ‘being a bitch’ comment just a thought about my situation)
Sorry if things are hard to read I just typed what screws me over the most.
Idk what i’m looking for posting this up on reddit but it felt nice typing everything out. :’)",moderate
dev_pid_124,"People think I'm pretending : I've hidden my problems for 4 years now so naturally, I've gotten really good at hiding my emotions. I've recently worked up the courage to deal with it and told people. The thing is, they seem to think I'm just pretending for attention since I mostly seem fine. It probably doesn't help that my friends have mental problems they get alot of attention for, so it might seem I want to be like them.
I can't tell them just how absolutely miserable I am because then I'll get put in a mental hospital, and because of that people seem to think I'm just a bit moody. Just this morning my mom told me that it's probably just puberty. It feels so damn shitty to have people not care and take it seriously when I've been keeping it in for so long.",moderate
dev_pid_125,"My brothers popularity is the worst thing for me : My brothers really popular in my town to the point people see me and notice who I am even if I don't know them I have random people walk up to me and be like
 Yooo are you ___s brother 
I don't really know what to say in them situations its just really awkward. People always compare us too I've been told so many times why can't you be like your brother. 
Why can't people see we are two completely
 different people.
People don't seem to see that I'm not him and he is not me just because I am his brother doesn't mean i wanna be like him. It is also how I started my substance abuse like out of no where people be like 
Sup bro you tryna go to this party I'm bringing come x pills I'll give you some. I usually end up going to the parties but staying away from my brother. I just stay in my group.",moderate
dev_pid_126,"Annoyed. : I have a problem about myself, I do so much for people; especially for the once I really love, and I would still do the impossible for them.
Is it wrong for me to expect the same? I feel unwanted, and sometimes really annoying. My friends would reply to me with short sentences, while I try my best to strike up a conversation. When I ask them why they talk to me like that, they’d always say that they’re just busy, and I understand that, I do. But, it just hurts to see them go around and chat up a storm with other people. 
Someone told me that they’re busy, and would talk to me later; instead, they were live on Instagram and that “ later “ turned into. 5 days hiatus. I feel worthless really; I really try my best to be interesting.",moderate
dev_pid_127,"Tried to patch things up with an old friend : We had an argument a few months ago. He kind of got jealous that I was playing video games with another person. Things were said. It wasn’t nice.
Our friend group has split as a result.
I tried to message him today In hopes to clear the air. Even if we wouldn’t be friends again I hoped we could atleast end on a more positive note.
I got left on read.
What happened really hurt me, I didn’t do anything wrong, and copped all the blame. I’m trying to be the bigger person. I apologised for my actions. 
And I get left on fucking read.
Oh well. Back to the depression cocoon I go.
Atleast I tried.",moderate
dev_pid_128,"I dont think i ever came over depression, Just learnt to live with it : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_129,"I need to know if I'm alone in my thoughts. I need to know if I'm just crazy or maybe this makes sense to someone out there. : Life lately has... Sucked for me to say the least.
 I dropped out of college this semester due to depression. I came home. Now my anxiety has overwhelmed me. So many thoughts running through my head. I have no friends back home to hang out with. I don't have social interaction. I got turned away from an amazing job opportunity and it really took a blow to my self esteem. I have to mentally prepare myself before any social interaction now. I literally get drained from social interaction after the tiny bit of it that I have during the week. I lost interest in things I formerly enjoyed. I sit in bed every single day. 
My sleep schedule is awful. I sleep 12-14 hours a day. However tonight I sit here before you all writing this at 6:39 am. Why am I awake you ask? Because I have to change the oil in my car at 1:15pm today and I have been dreading the social interaction from it all night. How pathetic is that. 
But as I sit here in tears for the billionth time of my 18 years of being on this planet, I've come to a realization. 
I am just a number on this planet. I mean nothing. I have the same worth as the ant on the street that you crush under your shoe. I have the same worth as the zebra being tackled by a lion on the Serengeti, that you watch on Nat Geo. I have the same worth as the mosquito that you slap off your skin during summer nights. None of them have names, no one remembers their stories. The only thing people remember in each of these scenarios is their deaths. 
People in my life have talked about where they see themselves in the future. What job they have, if they get married or have kids, where they'll live. Me? No matter how hard I try, I see nothing in my future. Black. 
Over the past few years, I've gotten this overwhelming sensation that my time on this Earth is extremely limited. Like, i won't make it past my twenties. These past few days, I've started to dissociate, I have vivid intrusive suicidal thoughts that have started to make me realize that my time may be coming to a close. Nothing feels real. I feel like I'm floating. 
I'm too much of a coward to purposely harm myself. But the thought of being dead and not feeling anything really brings me immense comfort. I can't explain it, but it's an intense warm feeling that I've never felt before. 
I'm scared of what I just wrote, and honestly I'm scared of how others will perceive it. But I have no one else to share my words with. And maybe if I do end up passing on soon, someone will come across my post on this sub and read just a fraction of what runs through my mind. 
Thank you for letting me share this space with you all. I have no conclusion of what I'm going to do honestly. My head is a cloud right now. 
I'm absolutely petrified.",moderate
dev_pid_130,"Relations pls : Explosive racing fast heart palpitations. hyperventilating, tear streams running down my face and me almost suffocating myself as I cover my face with blankets because I want it to stop. The stress, the anxiety heart drops, the negativity all racing through my body. Memories from the past, present and future anxieties all closing in on me. Meditating? No doesn’t work. Has pills helped you?",moderate
dev_pid_131,"My birthday is the worst day : It’s a day that celebrates you as a person you reflect on everything more, this year people just aren’t wishing me it thing is it’s not even important to me but at the same time makes me sad it shows where I stand with them. I don’t want to turn this into a sob thing but I honestly think today would be the best day to end it I’d cut off some of my hair and put it in an envelope for my mum (weird but it’s a thing she kept some hair from my first haircut weird I know) with a note that says sorry that would be a nice thing I reckon but at the same time it’s my mums birthday aswell and it would be devastating for her and my family if I were to commit suicide today but I’m just suffering inside I can’t even express how much I’m so sad and life is so unfair. I like how today is Friday the 13th though find that amusing.",moderate
dev_pid_132,"Stages of coping with loss :  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
Yesterday i couldn't care less you left me.
Today i'm angry you left me.
Tomorrow i'll probably try to get you back through memories we had.
Then i'll start to realize i'm never going to get you back in my life.
Finally acceptance will kick in and tell me it's going to be okay.",moderate
dev_pid_133,"I feel like I don't deserve to be ""sad"" : I've just come back from a trip overseas where I visited my brother and saw some spectacular views in Canada. it was my first proper overseas trip. so I should be happy, I should be in a good place, right? but instead, two days after I'm back, I'm falling back into my depressive thoughts (and all the talk on covid online is only making it worse). I don't deserve to be sad, I'm extremely lucky to be in such a good place and I shouldn't be sad. why aren't my meds helping me here?? I just... want a break from this empty, sad feeling in my chest that never seems to leave.",moderate
dev_pid_134,"loneliness strikes with a vengeance against toxic people : everyday gets worse and worse and it only gets harder and harder. i just want to reconcile my friendships and prove that i can be a better person, and a worthy friend... but it’s too late, and i should just move on but i cant
i thought i was close with those people, when in reality i wasn’t. i thought my actions would repeatedly be excused, but they weren’t. i don’t know how or why i’ve become this way and i would do anything to undo it... but, i am a borderline so things like this are destined to happen.
i miss the fun and laughs and memories so much. i’m  trying to get them to talk to me with stupid strategies that i know arent going to work because i’m too scared to apologize and tell them that i’ll be a better person because i feel like they won’t care, and it won’t matter.
what’s done is done and they will forever remember as a toxic and mean person who couldn’t control their anger or behavior, but while i was shouting insults, saying slurs, and overall just being a hateful person, in my head i was thinking “what’s wrong with me? why am i acting like this and why can’t i stop it? why i cant control myself?”
and obviously that’s not a good excuse for what i’ve done, but they weren’t the only ones hating me in those moments. i’m going to be alone forever, and i shouldn’t get my hopes up when i make friends like this again because it’s always going to have the same outcome. the pain and loneliness and rejection is all too familiar, but strikes with the same power it did just a few months ago when my best friend blocked me on everything and told me i would never be in his life again. maybe it’s happening again because i deserve to pay for all my anger and toxicity, for projecting my own insecurities onto other people.
anyways, that’s all. the moral of the story is that i’m never going to have a stable group of friends because of my own shitty behavior that i can’t control, and sooner or later people will start to get tired of it and cut me off or ignore me. i just want to know how to better myself. i hate the person i’ve become. why has this happened to me?
i’ve always struggled with behavioral issues and mental illness my entire life, and it seems that those things still and forever will haunt me to this day. not a day passed where i think about killing myself for the greater good of the world. i don’t deserve to be here, no one likes me anyways.",moderate
dev_pid_135,"Football has been cancelled, the only thing that I am interested in anymore... : So I don't really have much interests anymore apart from the excitement I can still get out of football. It's usually the only thing I keep up with and it's what I look forward to watching on most days. Seeing that all club competitions are being cancelled and it looks like the Euros are going to be postponed, I don't know what I'm going to do to keep me happy.
I'm not scared of catching Corona, but it's fucking shit that it's affecting this part of my daily life already.",moderate
dev_pid_136,"Unrelated title : I dropped uni basically because of depression but also because I felt I really didn't belong and I was really struggling, I saw that if I stayed I'd probably end myself, that was just before December.
A week before Christmas my girlfriend left me, a day or two before Christmas day we got back together, she said it was a mistake and she regrets leaving me.
I spend NY at hers with her shitty family who already disliked me, I missed what seems like the perfect family gathering of my family to be with hers, a couple days later I come clean about my depression, to myself more impatiently than to her, she holds me and tells me everything is going to be ok, she gives me hope, I begin to believe that I'll be ok, with her by my side I'll beat it, at that moment I loved her so much more than I believe was possible.
The very day after she leaves me.  All that hope now crushed, any feeling that I'll be ok now gone, at the time I was too sad to think don't suicide, but now it's gotten to the point where I think about it on a daily basis, at first it thinking about it made me scared and cry, now I'm not phased by the thoughts, I have it planned out, every detail about how I'd do it to how the unfortunate strangers would find my body, I feel like knowing that and having it planned shingle scare me but it doesn't, and if I do have it all planned why haven't I done it yet?
I don't know why, I think I'm still looking for hope, I do have a bit but it's far away, in June I'll begin training with the RAF, I think they'll give me a reason to carry on living, but I'm not sure I can carry on till then, u want to end myself now, it's now that I need something, and I still need to do my medical and physical tests, if I fail them then I'll definitely have no hope or reason, at that point my suicide plan will be followed through, but looking at the bright side at least it'll be sunnier on my death day.",moderate
dev_pid_137,why does everyone leave : please can someone i love and finally trust stay for once,moderate
dev_pid_138,"The ""depression"" was a blessing in disguise. It reduced the world world to a new starting point that gives every one a new opportunity. : ",moderate
dev_pid_139,"Had to quit my job as I wasn’t coping... : Thought my final pay check would cover rent til end of May. Didn’t understand the pay period correctly so actually received about half my usual monthly salary, as opposed to the 1.5-2x I was expecting. My industry (events) is basically shut down due to corona so no new work on the horizon, and no point trying to work without a rest period or I’ll just get into trouble again. Finding it really, really hard to find a reason to stay alive today. No matter how hard I try I always end up here and I’m just sick of it. Literally the only thing keeping me here is my fear of being reincarnated / quantum immortality.",moderate
dev_pid_140,"Literally zero energy : I sleep like 12 hours a day, I have been on antidepressants for about 4 months, I have stopped going to college and miss shifts, help?",moderate
dev_pid_141,I felt it coming yesterday : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_142,"I hate it when people call me perfect : Everyone thinks I’m perfect. The whole school thinks I’m little miss perfect, I’m smart, nice and follow rules. I help people, still people talk behind my back about me. “She has the Coronavirus””I heard she did_””Oh Corona’s here””she’s so ugly””ewww””she’s so fucking smart”teachers pet”ect.
But they still come up to me and ask her help in class, ask me about homework, ask if I can do something for them, and I do it, I don’t why, I just do it, I want to be nice, thinking that they’ll be nice back to me.
I just don’t want to be noticed, but everyone knows me, knows me as the girl that gets 100% on every test.  
I try to stop doing the things they talk about, I do my work quietly, I try not to draw attention to my achievements, I try to look presentable each day, but people still talk.
Even my friend group thinks I’m the perfect one, I’ve realised that everyone in my friend group seems to be sad, or tried to draw attention to themselves about being sad, saying, “I wanna kill my self”” I have depression” “You don’t know how it feels like to be sad” “you don’t understand me” 
I’m not exactly friends with many people in my friend group, but I try to talk to everyone, to see if they’re ok, and if I can do anything for them, they do end up opening up time and I get to help them, but no one really asked me how I’m feeling. I try to play it cool and keep a smile on my face everyday, try to help other to try and feel better about myself.
There’s even this one girl in my ‘friend’ group that’s in my class she killing me on the inside, she teases me, makes fun of me, brags about how sad she is (she literally does that, she says she slits her wrists and frowns herself in the bath and wants to jump out it window there, but then she laughs about it, jokes about it, she says I would never understand. But those cuts on her wrists, she did it once barely, where as I cut do things to myself were people can’t see them, I just do it. I always pese down over the window ledge, and try to sit in it, were as she stands away saying she’s scared of high ya and she would never jump off) 
I wish high school didn’t have This type of environment, I hate the people, but I understand they might be dealing with things if there own so I just want to help and be nice, but nothing ever goes my way.
Whenever I do or say something someone always says oh she’s perfect, I just smile and nod, because I’m too nervous to say anything, I barely speak up because I don’t want to offend anyone, my close friend say I look down too much or should stop doing that with my hand and feet, bug u can’t help myself.
I just wish I were different, or didn’t feel this way about things",moderate
dev_pid_143,How do I support my boyfriend who has extreme depressive episodes? : ,moderate
dev_pid_144,"Who else thinks romantic love is really just... : ...a cocktail of feel-good chemicals?
For example, there are couples who were together for over a decade, suddenly deciding to part ways over some bullshit.
Though it didn't start with Hollywood, Hollywood has popularized the concept and it just makes me wonder if its yet another lie we were sold as children.",moderate
dev_pid_145,"it's about my friends. : i'm not broken or anything, the only thing that make me feel depressed is because of my friends, i always feel like i'm not enough, i feel like i always waste my friends' time whenever i talk to them, often thinking that i'm an inconvenience. I don't know why; maybe its because of how they treat me; maybe because of how i act, that's why they treat me differently, i don't know. I have no friends, they are my only friends, i have no one to turn to if they leave me, i always end my messages with an apology for wasting their time, i don't know, i just need someone to turn to. i don't know, whenever they see me depressed they talk to me, cheer me up, but once i'm back again, they leave me again, i just need someone, someone to hug, someone to hug to, someone to cry to, i feel i don't have an abundance of friends or somebody to talk to.
I apologize if my grammar is incorrect, and i'm sorry if i wasted your time reading this post.",moderate
dev_pid_146,"I'm finishing up. : I've been saving money the last few months to pay off all my debts. Within a month, my student loans, phone, and medical bills will all be paid off.
My plan is to disappear. I want to head to another country and end it all there, a place where no one can find me. I'm going to leave a note for anyone who cares telling them that I was looking for a new start and to not worry about me. Better that they find that than my lifeless corpse.
It's been a disillusioning and empty few years, filled with isolation, anger, and sadness. I'm looking forward to my time coming to an end. It's liberating to know that my suffering will end. I'll be an essence floating in the wind.",moderate
dev_pid_147,"apparently i live in some village where everyone is versus me : i called a bully out on his bs and he convinced lot of people against me. now that i dont have friends, people being the sheep they are, will obviously follow the opinion of more liked person
and thats why everyone is hating on me here. i swear this feeels like year 1000 where people cant use brains yet and will just throw stones at someone who was considered WITCH by the masses",moderate
dev_pid_148,"I feel like my whole life has just been me waiting for something to happen that'll finally make happy but it never happens, and it the meantime I'm extremely miserable : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_149,"i dont want to go to college or do anything : so like i just received my exam results  and i can say that they are pretty good and i am also qualified to several scholarships but the thing is i dont have any passion anymore,everything seems boring to me theres no joy at all wether to continue my studies or work heck even living.Man it feels soooooooooo empty inside nothing excites me ever",moderate
dev_pid_150,"Overeagerness on sharing things. : Hi lovely people of this sub,
I have this problem that I wanna share almost everything from Instagram posts to very personal things with people. I realized that it is kinda overwhelming for the one who receives. I don't have much friends and I mostly lack on social skills so I only do this to certain people who I feel close or want to be close so badly. 
Through all my life I always looked for someone who is close to me, who trully cares about me, who I can share things, who support me, who fulfill the need of loving and being loved. What I am talking about isn't necessarily a romantic relationship. I had problems with my family for a long time, I was extreme shy, introverted and close to the world and people but deep inside I always wanted significant other.
So I assume this problem is most probably about this need. I also know that I have to stop it because it scares or bores people. I become disappointed in most cases and it hurts my feelings, hopes so bad. Are there anybody who experienced something like this? Any advices to figure this out?
Thanks in advance.",moderate
dev_pid_151,"Why would you do that? : Trying to escape to my depression is so fcking hard why would people are so mean to me.Why??
They just say it like it easy for them or not knowing what it would feel to me.
It just hard please respect.",moderate
dev_pid_152,Someone please convince me why should I continue living : I cant take it anymore i have no one everybody hates me im never at peace im lonely lost and sad i do;t know what to do i get bullied everyday im so done nobody even cares if if I disappear tonight i will see if i have the courage to kill myself please someone anyone help me,moderate
dev_pid_153,"I can say that im not happy but why can’t I say that Im sad? : If I say that im sad its like im lying to myself. I know for sure im not happy, I know im in a dark place but why? 
This is probably weird for you guys to read but im just trying to figure out what the fuck is up with me? Am I depressed? Am I just sad? What Am i feeling right now. Its not nothing. There’s sadness for sure but its not like im not okay? jesus what the fuck.",moderate
dev_pid_154,"Be ok : You don't have to be good. Just dont be bad. Ok is just fine. I know how hard it is to even be ok. One thibg I learned is that you need to force yourself to be ok. You need to force yourself to be brave. You need to talk to the girl/guy you really like. If you just become friends with them, then thats good enough. You have a friend. You need to start looking on the brightside of things, even if there is none. You need to pet your dog/cat/lizard/whatever you have. You need to treat yourself. Make yourself happy for once.  Even if its impossible. Theres a way around it. You need to be the exact opposite of me. You need to be selfish. Not to selfish. But the perfect amount of it for you. Just do something for *you*",moderate
dev_pid_155,I just want a hug : I don’t know why but I’m so horribly lonely all the time.  My best friend lives on the other side of the country and I feel like I’m completely on my own.  I miss being happy.  I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be genuinely happy.  Might never feel it again.,moderate
dev_pid_156,"Hi I am a 21 y/o male : My little yorkie of 9 1/2 years just died.
She was probably the one good thing I had ever done anything for in this world.
I buried her out back under the tree with my own two hands last night as we had tornado warnings, hail and it pouring the rain.
I thought I forgot how to cry but the only time I have quit since last night is while im burning a cig, hell I've got tears rolling down my face as I write this post.
She was like the kid I will never have.
I remember back when we first got her I would set her on the bed and she would chew on my hair.
I remember that every night she would cuddle up next to me in bed.
I remember when me and her would play tag in the house.
I remember she would always come to me to get food off my plate because she knew I couldn't turn her down.
I hope there is an afterlife and that one day one I will be with my baby girl again because honestly you all I cant do this much longer.
Rest In Peace Nala, I hope you're looking down on me from above and I will always carry you with me in my heart.",moderate
dev_pid_157,"I have resorted to drinking on mornings during the weekend. I hope I can stop this. Maybe my descent into alcoholism has begun. : I passed out drunk and stoned last night, I was so happy, I had escaped my problems, everything so lighthearted and warm, I wake up, and I’m the same ugly piece of shit I always was, I had some beer left and was overwhelmed and I am chugging what’s left. Gonna get buzzed and go for a walk. I need to stop drinking so much on the weekends. 
I hate myself and life is so shit, but it shouldn’t be shit I have a good family and a good upbringing and I became this depressed monster and my parents have to deal with the reality that there well raised son is a former druggie depressed piece of shit. I rarely smile and my face hangs low. I’m dead inside. How can I do this to my parents, they raised me well, it’s all my fault. I’m a piece of shit and wish I was not here. 
No one understands. I wasn’t cut out for life.",moderate
dev_pid_158,"I was finally feeling better, and being more social. Now a lot of social events are being cancelled due to the virus and I'm afraid I'll go back to the state I was in before : Since a month I've been more active in my social life, after a long period of staying at home and doing nothing. I have a trip to France coming up in a month and a big party next week and I'm afraid they, and other events like them, will be cancelled. I live in Europe and the government of my country is discouraging social events and traveling and I'm afraid I'll go back to isolating myself and losing the motivation to be social.",moderate
dev_pid_159,"I lied so I wouldn't be committed : A few days ago I had a particularly dark morning. I told my wife (for the first time) the thoughts I was having. Unfiltered. I told her that I wish we never had kids. I wished she didn't love me. Because if it was for them I could leave in piece. My sisters and I can't that close. They'd recover. My father hasn't seen me in 3 decades and my mother abandoned me 2 before I was 16.
If only I didn't have the guilt and responsibility of kids and a wife who loves me I could just walk away.
She immediately called my doctor to schedule an appointment. He suggested to change my meds since obviously they were no longer working. Before I left he asked me, with my wife in the room:
""If you decide to take your life, can you promise to tell someone or call coast?""
I answered honestly and said no. If I finally decided to do it I wouldn't tell anyone, I wouldn't leave a note, I wouldn't plan a date. I'd take a 5 minute walk down my street. There's a 14 story drop cliff.
He said he couldn't let me leave and he would have to call the cops. Unless I promised that I'd talk to someone if I decided.
I lied. I said I'd talk. I can't be sent to the hospital. I've been to the hospital before for the same thing. It didn't help. In fact it made things worse.
I'm just so tired. If I could do this without hurting others I'd be so relieved.
Before people suggest medication, exercise, therapy, hobbies or meditation. I do all those. On the best days they feel like a waste of time and money. On others they just cause more people to worry about me.",moderate
dev_pid_160,"I don’t want to wake up : But I got to keep my girlfriend and my dad happy, I committed too much to make them happy. I thought a new job would fix this. Nothing has fixed me 
Idek what I’m trying to say anymore",moderate
dev_pid_161,"While surrounded by strangers in public, I find myself day dreaming about being surrounded by people who notice me. : It's like teasing a dog by holding a treat out of its reach. The one thing I want, and need it so close all around me, but I just can't reach the thing that I want, which is to have friends, people who know I exist.
Since the depression has gotten worse I started to isolate myself for a long time. It's been a year since I last had a conversation with someone my own age. 
I don't know how much longer of this I can take. Since I've been isolated I've noticed a huge change in my personality, I kind of do strange things that people would think I look a bit crazy.
I guess my mind has had to adapt to the loneliness, but I don't know how I can ever talk to people my age again with what's left of my personality.",moderate
dev_pid_162,"That moment when your social withdrawal accidentally makes you a commendable pandemic preventer : Ah yes, that’s why I do my work from home. No need for thanks, I’m just like any of you, only sadder.",moderate
dev_pid_163,"I've started to hit my own head. : This has been going on for a few months. I don't hit hard, but enough for a little pain to come through. I do t know why I do it... Maybe to feel physical pain over the emotional drag. 
Sometimes I would squeeze my head when the thoughts are too much, with fists or with palms...
I can't stop thinking about her every fucking day. It's been 5 months. She cut all contact in December. I am tired, I want this to end. I lost my love, I lost my medical dreams because I dropped out after she left me, I can't get a job because it's been too long since I finished my engineering degree. 
Maybe her brother is right... I am a fucking loser who's going to end up nowhere. Might as well die now, I'll welcome it.",moderate
dev_pid_164,Have you guys lost interest in the things you used to love? : I am pretty depressed nowadays and I have noticed that I'm falling out of love with my passions. I no longer care or feel anything towards my hobbies. I don't enjoy video games at all anymore. I can't enjoy my favorite band's music anymore. I don't enjoy playing guitar anymore. I don't enjoy drawing anymore. Am I just outgrowing my passions or is this my depression taking over?,moderate
dev_pid_165,"Mom : My mother despite saying she's depressed only knows how to hurt and abuse those who feel the same way, she wants me dead and yet I want to be dead too. I am no different than a lower life form to her, i have no one but two faced people who will do no more than mock me as I pour my heart out.  I wish I were dead. I want to be dead. I don't have control over my feelings any more and one day, I know I'll die by my own hands but all i have now is the hurt I want to inflict. All i have is a canvas destroyed by the past. 
I hate how I was never loved as a child, abused by the ones who were supposed to care for me. I tried to take my life long ago, when I first told my mom how I felt long ago she told me to kill myself...haha. I had no bravery to do it, and I'm afraid she was correct. 
Even to this day, I regret not swallowing those pills. I regret not ending my suffering.",moderate
dev_pid_166,"So tired : Saved two years of cash to send back home in a bad time. I’ve been eating one meal or none these days. I’m in school at a foreign country that is kicking us all out of our dorm rooms and I have no idea where I will be. I’m effectively homeless since I can’t travel back. I’m fatigued and have just spent the past days crying and crying and wondering what has brought my life to this. I can’t afford to eat, I got cut off from my jobs and can’t legally find alternatives without violating my visa, I can’t hauiqjshsaiajejej
I’ve never been this tired and so confident that I need to go before everything else just gets worse",moderate
dev_pid_167,"I just don’t see the point as a middle class person in the US society anymore. : I’m not suicidal by any means. I’m just... tired of the day after day shit of the so-called “leaders” of the US continue to block legislation that would benefit the working people and pass stuff that benefits wealthy people.
What’s the point of living if we’re climbing a mountain that’s meant to be so steep that it keeps us out? All of us want to be rich enough to not work, yet, day after day we go to jobs that we don’t like (but need to pay the bills), are always tired, our food makes us fat easily and getting in shape can be extremely difficult, going to the doctor is expensive just like everything else, and now the coronavirus is canceling events left and right (not many things bring me joy these days, but being able to experience new stuff and going out did).
Hell, I worked so hard for my graduate degree and I might not even get to board the plane from my duty station to the states. I have a 4.0, which I never thought I’d have. the graduation ceremony might even be canceled.
Like, what’s the fucking point. I study leadership in my degree program and it pains me to see these people in power that don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves. I dont find joy in many things and it’s hard to get motivated. Everyone is chasing for that bigger piece of the 1% pie and I’m just tired of trying. Our “leaders” have created a culture that stifle people like me and trick us into believing that we could earn six figures one day.
I’m just looking for ideas about how other people cope with this stuff.",moderate
dev_pid_168,"The thing which made life better for me, was taken. : I have no friends, little family, a mum with schizophrenia.
Last year I bought a motorbike, and the other day it got stolen, i feel like my whole life has been removed, that bike was something that made me happy and gave me a boost in life.
Now I'm back to my state of crying everyday, I just had my 19th birthday. I hate birthdays because I can't celebrate them as i have no one and no body. My suicidal thoughts have been triggered. 
Bad things keep happening to me, the list is endless, I keep being strong but one day I will pop because it keeps pushing me closer and closer to the edge.
I'm really not happy with my current living situation. My house which i live with my mum, is a disgusting, I live in the bad part of London.
I have nothing and no one.",moderate
dev_pid_169,"Looking like a waffle feeling awful : ^ from a song 
I am trying to keep my head up I’m on vacation and still feel awful and I can’t cope therapy doesn’t help drugs as you all know only take away the pain temporarily I just want to smile when I’m not high",moderate
dev_pid_170,How often in everyday life do non-depressed people feel driven/optimistic/excited/happy? : Not looking for pitiful answers here. Just genuinly interested.,moderate
dev_pid_171,"I have already been quarantined for 1 month and now it will continue for another month : I know other people have it worse and I should be glad that I'm asymptomatic but being inside, alone, triggers my depression. I've gained weight and have no motivation left. 
I was doing well in life, studying, socialising, keeping fit. But after a straight week of studying...I just couldn't anymore. This whole thing is so crazy I can hardly believe it. 
I hate being indoors and I have a phobia of speaking on the phone/video calls so I feel very isolated. 
I miss my friends and family.",moderate
dev_pid_172,"Feeling like I can't do things right : Even when I know I'm right about something, no one listens, they brush me off. It just feels like everyone thinks I'm an idiot that can't possibly be right about something. 
It's frustrating because I just want to feel heard by people in my life without feeling like everything I do or say is going to be brushed off or that I'm going to say something the wrong way. I just want to isolate myself for a little while, just to get a chance to recharge and not feel like I'm embarrassing myself 24/7, but that isn't an option and it sucks.",moderate
dev_pid_173,"Afraid of myself : Well I'm homeless in 5 days. My family doesn't qualify for a shelter and we cant afford a hotel... atleast we have a nice tent I guess. I wanted so much more for my son. We are so so so alone we have no one who will rent to us. We have an eviction from a few years ago. We got scammed by a trusted family friend. We have no savings, we have no family to speak of or who would be willing to help. 2 months ago I was going to kill myself for so many compounded reasons and I didnt for my son. I didnt want him to ever think I didn't  love him enough. Every single day i try to find a place and nothing comes back. We have nothing. My mil promised to help us buy a home but like everyone else she lied to us and doesn't plan on helping us. I'm so alone because my husband needs me to be strong and I cant tell him how suicidal i am. He doesn't need to worry about me on top of everything but I'm drowning. I cant breathe. I haven't stopped crying and I dont know what I'm going to do.",moderate
dev_pid_174,"I keep writing letters : I keep writing letters to send him. Hating myself more and more. I'll never send them, he doesn't care. I'll keep them in my notebook because he'll never read them anyway. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks, and I doubt I will for 2 more. 
I'm tired. I'm so tired. I can't battle myself and him anymore. I've done bad things and he's done bad things, but he has other girls making him happy. I just run away..
I'm tired of having to compete. Tired of always having to prove myself. Tired of apologising and him not changing when I try so hard. I'm just tired. I don't want to be here anymore..
Maybe this is finally my cry for help, because I can't do this anymore.. I'm tired of being me.. I wish I didn't exist.. Then he could be happy and not have to deal with me anymore. Then I could finally be at peace..",moderate
dev_pid_175,"Finding breakdowns satisfying and the reactions of others : I've been thinking a lot lately about how incorrectly people around me seem to interpret my external behaviour in relation to the present severity of my depression. 
I find that what others perceive to be my ""worst"" days, where I am screaming and crying out of frustration and despair, or lying motionless on the floor for extended periods, do not subjectively feel to me to be all that different to a day where I am functioning ""regularly"" in terms of the severity of the negative sensations. Those just happen to be the days where the pain has mounted enough for me break under its weight. I find it frustrating that people around me like my family will ask what caused such a ""drastic change"" from one day to the next, as from my perspective, the day before may have actually been worse because I didn't get the release of a breakdown and the excuse to give into it. Those breakdowns aren't really the result of me feeling so horrible on that particular day, but the natural result of years of unending anguish on ""regular"" days where I have to learn to get up and get on with things despite it. The crisis days are some of the most satisfying because they are the only days when I feel like my external behaviour truly matches the pain I'm experiencing inside, and people around me seem to actually understand how bad things are. I can't spend every minute of every day projecting to the world how horrible I feel, often it takes less energy to act like things are okay, and the things I want in life require that I learn to push through, but it can be frustrating feeling like most of the time nobody realises how much of a struggle just a ""regular"" day is, and it takes a meltdown for them to see.
Often on ""regular"" days I will find myself wishing that things were just that little bit worse enough for the precariously standing jenga tower of my mental stability to collapse just so I can actually get the satisfaction of giving up and the attention of others taking it as seriously as it deserves to be. The thing is, for the tower to collapse it first needs to have been built, and it's the building of the tower, precarious as it may be from the start, that is the most gruelling and unpleasant. It is these ""regular"" days of tirelessly trying to habit form where the depression is felt most deeply, and yet these are the days that others interpret as good! 
Life with depression is like climbing a ladder with weights tied to your limbs, the faster you're climbing, the more ""normal"" and ""healthy"" you seem to others, but the more painful and tiring it is for you. The moments where you lose energy and let go of the ladder, letting yourself free fall to the floor, are the only moments when you no longer feel the weights. These are the breakdowns, the episodes, the days or weeks where you no longer bother to get up, or shower, or adequately eat. But of course, you can't fall forever. At some point you hit the ground, and that seems to others like the end of the crisis, the moment where things start to improve, but for you it doesn't feel like that. Maybe you feel a little bit rested, and able to start climbing again, but you know how painful the climbing is, and you've got to start all over again from the bottom, and you know that some day soon, it'll get too much, and you'll come falling down all over again.",moderate
dev_pid_176,Any free ways to increase your risk of cancer? : I’ve been wanting cancer for a couple months now bc I’m not in a position to kill myself due to current family obligations. And I would also prefer to die without killing myself. I’ve been thinking about cigarettes but those are too expensive and would probably take too long anyway/not reliable. Any helpful responses would be appreciated!,moderate
dev_pid_177,"Another down day : I’ve been trying to get some things done three weeks now and I manage to do like one thing every week while watching others do 15 a day. 
Also the whole situation with the coronavirus is freaking me out even though I know I’m not in danger and nothing will happen to me I’m still panicking from time to time. 
Today I had my to do list ready and I wanted to be productive. I managed to get out of bed after noon and make some instant coffee. I’m on my couch since then. It is now 4.25pm and I should eat but can’t be bothered. I’m just so sad and my house is a mess that I don’t have the energy to clean and just looking at it makes me even sadder. 
Why does everything has to be so difficult?",moderate
dev_pid_178,Sitting and crying : Slumped against the wall crying. I don’t know why I feel this way and that’s the scariest part,moderate
dev_pid_179,"I am feeling so low.Again. : 26yo here.i feel like my whole existence is nothing.i created nothing i have gone in another country to work hoping i would earn something but things didnt work out so well and i am without money.
I think i have depression since teenage years and so many times i ve been low in my life,i made alot of mistakes,i trusted people.Now i hit low again.I realized i made terrible mistake but how many times i have to go through that.I am tired of living like this.I dont see point anymore living like this.
I would just like to go home and tell my parents sorry because i am a failure,although i didnt do them nothing and never asked for anything,i still feel like i failed them.I just want everybody to leave me alone and play my guitar again.",moderate
dev_pid_180,"There's no reason to be alive right now. : How the hell will we depressed people will go through 2020?
Do you like videogames? E3 canceled
Do you like NBA? NBA canceled
Do you like movies? most movies delayed to 2021
Do you like music? most world tours are canceled
Do you like going to other countries? most airports are canceled.
Basically, the coronavirus is going to cause a lot of mental breakdowns and suicides a lot of people won't be able to go through a year of literally nothing of entretainment happening, i literally don't know how i will go through this year without losing my mental health.",moderate
dev_pid_181,"How do I force myself to care? : About myself?
About anything?
I don’t want anything anymore.
I feel only a numb ache in my chest cavity.
Is it that I dont care or that I care too much?
I dont know
I can’t bring myself to do anything
I spend all day on the floor 
Trying 
To conceive some way to be 
Useful
Creative 
Independent 
Fun 
Anything really
But, I’m just on the floor
Why isn’t it enough?
Just existing?
And even more than that
Why do I wish I could stop? 
Just existing...",moderate
dev_pid_182,"Lost : I met someone and fell in love with him at 17—reconnected with him in my 30s.
Same feelings times 10.
He no longer wants contact with me.. and I just feel very confused, sad, and numb.
I’m in therapy .. 
but nothing seems to dull the ache 😏",moderate
dev_pid_183,"I can’t do vacation. : In my break from university I was working to safe up a little bit money. From this money my best friend and I booked a vacation we were so looking forward to.
I spend months at my company and worked really hard to be able to afford this.
Now I’m sitting here in the hotel and I’m counting down the days until we fly home and I get to see my family and my boyfriend again.
The city’s nice and everything’s great but I seem unable to focus on ‘relaxing’. My mind is always wandering off, to my parents, asking myself if they’re okay, to my boyfriend, if he misses me the same as I do and so on.
I was so excited when we booked everything and now I’m just waiting for it to finish. I feel like shit because my mate is so happy to be here and I really don’t wanna Ruin it for her but I can’t wait to be on the plane back home. 
Any tips for me to make this better?",moderate
dev_pid_184,Someone told me to grow up : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_185,"Hit my mum : I feel like crap right now. 
I  want to kill myself.
I hit my mum, she's crying. I don't feel sad at all. I feel empty. I just wish I could kill myself instead of continuing with this pathetic, hollow existence.",moderate
dev_pid_186,Is wanting to die a humble desire? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_187,"Coronavirus sent us home, and now I’m completely lost... : 
I'm a freshman in college, and I'm an out of state student. My home life, while not abusive, has played a role in why I have struggled so much with depression and anxiety. My parents, long story short, didn't do much to help when they knew I was depressed, and made me feel awful for taking medication and struggling overall. They are not a support system for me at all, and I am not close enough to any of my other family members to talk to them, which means that my primary source of help was my university's counseling center.
I have dealt with suicidal thoughts for nearly a year now, and recently had a minor incident of self-harm. I feel incredibly alone knowing that counseling is not an option and that I potentially won't be able to see any of the friends I have made in college for five months. After that amount of time, I don't even know if they'll want to reconnect. I just don't know what to do. I feel so completely isolated.",moderate
dev_pid_188,im really upset : ever since the coronavirus started people started being more racist to me even though they were already racist. I was on instagram yesterday and did a story thingy like ceo of...  and my classmate literally wrote coronavirus and it really hurt me. I had the flu like maybe a month ago and this girl told everyone I had coronavirus even though I didn't. a person near in my town has the coronavirus so my parents didn't let me go to school because it was dangerous and while I was at home there was a rumor spread in my school that I had the coronavirus. bitch just because I'm asian doesn't mean I have corona. I always cry at night because of other things and in enough pain yet people still torture me and they know about it.,moderate
dev_pid_189,I WANT THE CURE TO BE NORMAL AND HAPPY I don’t want to lose my mind anymore : Please I am begging for a cure. I can’t be this way-I have to be ok with growing up I have to be like everyone else but I just don’t get it my brain doesn’t get it. I’m too robotic and too stiff and too serious and depressed and all of the above-anything if it’s a drug I’ll take it. I need to be normal-please help me I am desperate,moderate
dev_pid_190,"Alone forever. : I feel like I'm always going to be a person who gives way more than what they recieve. It has always been like this whether it's family, friends or relationships. Whenever someone needs me I'm there but when I need someone no one is in sight. Also it's hard to open up when no one really listens. I feel like when I do vent, my thoughts & feelings aren't really important & people just look the other way. I used to be okay with this feeling but I don't know anymore. It's hard being alone when you truly feel alone.",moderate
dev_pid_191,"Circle of relapsing : I've been feeling ok for few weeks, but now I'm starting to doubt myself alot. I feel like I'm failing in everything that i do, as if nothing is going right. and i start to question my existence again.Why it is so hard to break the circle. When I'm slowly getting better, i will get back into the same position. It is never ending and I'm truly exhausted.",moderate
dev_pid_192,"Suffocating ego : I always find that people are out to get me and see me fail; that the world is against me and I need to prove everyone wrong.
 Every little issue I have with myself gets to me and brings me down, I overthink every little thing someone would say to me, and I make sure to word everything I say so I don't have any chances at accidentally get off on any wrong foot.
My ego just cant take the chance of someone not liking me. I feel need to make sure everyone likes me. If they don't like me then is there something wrong with me? Is there something I dont understand about myself? Is my tone of voice off? Are my facial expressions while I talk make you think I mean one thing when I say another?
I'm not a bad person, I hope not at least. People I dont even know the names of or just meet get me anxious because I think they already hate me before I even get a chance to get a word out. 
Did u do something wrong? Are people talking or criticizing me behind my back? Is someone spreading rumors? 
It all tends to make me force myself into isolation, and I need to get over my ego before I get myself or others possibly hurt. 
Anyone else relate? I know I'm not alone in this weird thing where our ego cant take a beating. I should see someone professional about this one day. I'd love to see someone dig into my head and see what makes me tick.
And If your reading this and are depressed or suicidal then i hope your fight goes well and really hope you have things or people close by to help.
 I'm gonna order a pizza and chill for a bit to get my mind off things",moderate
dev_pid_193,"Why don't my friends want to hang out with me once they get into relationships? : Do your childhood friends not matter once you're in ""love"" with a new girl every 6 months. Am I only your friend for when youre going through a break up and need a drinking buddy? Are all humans like this? What's the point of any friendship if no one cares about me unless they need something? Life is so fucking pointless. I don't feel human anymore. I can't remember the last time I hung out with someone or had a good conversation. God I want to hang myself so badly.",moderate
dev_pid_194,"Anyone wanna chat and be friends?... : Hey everyone, I'm going through some problems and figured it wouldn't hurt to have a female friend to share stuff with.
In fact, I feel like females are better at understanding the stuff I'm going through and overall more sympathetic creatures. Not to mention, insanely cute lmao jk. 🐰
Anyway, if you're interested in long term friendship, hmu. Sorry for the cringe lmao",moderate
dev_pid_195,"My depression feeds on boredom and isolation and my school just got closed. : School and extracurricular activities are some of the only things that actively keep me engaged and present on a day to day basis but because of covid I can’t rely on them for mental stimulus anymore.
I’ve beaten every video game I own and I am not fond of replaying them, so thats out the window and I’ve seen every netflix show I’m interested in. (Except the new season of drag race but thats only one hour a week)
I can’t meet up with friends because I live in the backend of nowhere, I’m too young for a gym membership and the weather where I live is so bad that a simple walk is out the windows most days.
I have nothing, and I mean nothing, to do and I’m sinking into a black hole. Help.",moderate
dev_pid_196,"Depression took all my high school years away : Because of depression I could not function in school. I was put into a seperate program, and by seperate I mean completely away from the hs building. I barely ever see my friends, I lost the opportunity to join the few interesting classes school had, I haven't learned to drive yet or figured out what I want to do once I graduate because I don't want to do anything. I hate school, but part of me wishes I could still have a normal social life and not be restricted to one room with no talking every day until I graduate.",moderate
dev_pid_197,"Is it normal for suicidal urges to get worse before going to work? : Just a question. Is it normal to want to die before going to work? I don’t like my job at all. I don’t enjoy it or get any sense of satisfaction from it. I have to travel frequently for my job. I absolutely hate it. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy traveling just not what my job entails while traveling. Every time I have to travel for my job, I need almost a week in advance to come to terms with it. It’s just long hours and being forced to socialize even on off hours. It makes me more depressed than I already am. To make myself feel better about having to travel, I always tell myself that I will die before we have to go. That’s the only thing that makes me feel better about going. My suicidal urges are strongest at that point. I haven’t actually done anything though. 
I’m sure that this is pretty common for other people too",moderate
dev_pid_198,"How do I embrace my feminine attributes as a male? : I was raised by women and the men in my life told me I was a whimp, sissy, pussy or fag. I am not gay but I’m afraid that if I fully embraced who I am people will think I am gay and possibly even call me gay. I’m afraid if this happens I’ll feel the same way I did in middle school, like a “weak little faggot”. 
I’m so afraid to be myself because I know the real me is sensitive and probably slightly feminine. I try SO hard to not look “gay” and I’m even slightly homophobic; even though some of my favorite people are gay. 
I won’t look men in the eyes for fear that they will think I’m being “faggy”. I won’t look women in the eyes for fear that they may think I’m a whimpy feminine queer. I’m afraid to socialize on any level because I don’t fit the body I’m in and I’m afraid people are going to be weirded out or say something about me. This is causing me a lot of depression. I’m 34 and I just want to live my fucking life",moderate
dev_pid_199,"I hate my life. : I don't know anymore. Everything I do, I say. It all ends up just hurting me and hating myself. I'm just done. I tell myself that it gets better but it doesn't not in the 15 or so years since my depression started. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_200,"It ALL feels empty now : I don't even know if this is depression, or just exhaustion finally catching me. All the things I've used to suppress a massive feeling of emptiness are starting to loose their effectiveness. My marijuana use is off the charts, an ounce or more per week. I don't enjoy it. I don't even get high anymore, it just gives me something to occupy my hands while my brain runs out of control. I feel like there is a version of me in my head, that is the sum total of every horrible thing I've ever done, and his favorite thing to do is remind me what I am. I can't even have sex with my wife without feeling like I somehow had to deceive my way there, no matter how untrue that may be. Its like no matter how happy I should be, I just can't feel it. I have everything a reasonable person could need, and somehow i still feel empty. I talked to my wife this morning about it, and it helped for a moment, but she's as confused as me. Im loosing my will to keep getting up in the morning, and I don't know what to do about it anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_201,What do you call it when someone has to work in a windy environment? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_202,"One shot at consciousness and it’s plagued by mental illness : This stupid world is so goddamn unfair. I wish people had a different attitude toward suicide, like instead of grieving and being angry they’d be happy that the person isn’t suffering any longer. Normal people really have no idea how good they have it.",moderate
dev_pid_203,"You spend your whole life looking for guests to come to your funeral. : That's kinda sad, but at the same time, kinda true.",moderate
dev_pid_204,"I’m depressed because I have fallen in love with my best friend, But I know the feelings will never be reciprocated. The friendship just hurts now : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_205,"i feel so stuck but i’ve learnt to live with it : i dont think theres been a day where i think about death. wether its in a way of ‘what if i just died next week’ ‘what if i wasnt alive rn’ ‘if i was dead would i regret missing this’ or simply thinking about dying, how to die, when to die, praying to the god i dont even believe in that he would just take away my life. but im kinda happy with my life? i definitely got it better than lot of people. i have people. im sure some care to some extent, and i know it sounds selfish, but i always feel like noone cares enough. people i think of as my first and people i would used to check up on whenever i can and see them sad or whatever never seem to give back the same care. when i feel really really shit and i am so desperate for someone to notice so i post it on my story not a single person gives a shit, yet when others do it so much care is given. i come second to everything. to my so called bestfriend’s, i doubt they even look at me and rank me as high as i rank them. i tell them whatever i can but i feel like im not THAT person to them, not to even a single one of them. 
i feel so worthless and angry and so filled with rage but idk at what. im angry at the world for letting men treat me like shit. im mad at the men for doing this to me. im mad at people for not knowing. im mad at myself for allowing this to happen. im mad at myself for letting them go. im abt how unfair it is. 4guys, how can you not be mad. how can you not be mad at yourself? i just want to scream and let out every anger and hurt i feel so fucking deep inside me. i want to cry and scream every pain away but i just litreally cant. idk. 
i want people to know but im scared of people looking down on me. that im the slut the whore. i let it happen so its my problem. that i wanted it. that i liked it. that i deserved it because i let it happen. 
im mad at my biological parents, im mad my parents that adopted me for telling me i was adopted and making feel like shit for feeling shit abt it. im mad at my biological mother for just not aborting me rather than to feel the fucking pain of my own mother not wanting me. 
im mad at the world for putting me through so much and making me feel so unwanted after everything. im mad but im calm about it, its been 16yrs, iv learned to live with it. im just now so empty and so done and so hurt and just so so so so done man its so hard.",moderate
dev_pid_206,"I foresee something very black, thick and suffocating in the future. : I cannot think about the future anymore. It’s like I have thoroughly lost all ability to be optimistic. I cannot picture myself over the age of 25. Sometimes not even 22. I cannot remember the last time I have been able to feel anything. Not even the slightest tingle of joy for what was once hobbies. Not even the slightest feeling that anything is worthwhile.
I see myself as this one person, one body that I will always be confined to. I will never be able to make life good for this person. Life has never been good, and God has always been cruel to me. So have the people in my life. My family, and my friends. The one magical friend that comes into everyone’s life and make things seem alright? Everyone have had a friend like that, right? Me too. And now she’s gone forever too.
 I sink farther down into my bed every day. “Progress” towards a better future, “working” towards a better life, they’re never worth it. 
Whenever I think of the future, I can physically feel a suffocating weight settle on to my chest, like a large black rock. I can feel my brain twist. And I can feel my ears warm up as the blood rushes into my head. I don’t feel alive. I can’t.
Life isn’t worth it. I don’t want to live anymore. I can’t live a life that is so far from where I want it to be, so different from how I want it to be. I cannot make a change. My arms feel like wooden sticks banging against a shiny metal door. I can’t get out.
Ever.",moderate
dev_pid_207,"Finally Leaving : I finally left my husband. We still have to cohabitate in the same house for at least a year until we are able to get out from under it and sell. But I just came to the realization that being financially stable didn't make me less angry or more happy when the person I married, who is supposed to say I'm beautiful and smart and funny says all of those things less than a co-worker I have at work. I should have realized those things when we were dating but at that point I was just amazed anyone would want me. I don't like my coworker but he smiles when I walk by, laughs at my jokes, and everyday says ""I just wanted you to know you are beautiful."" I know it's probably borderline sexual harassment, and he's married as well so it's kind of skeevy but it's depressing that it got to the point of me needing to hear that validation from a stranger, because my husband says those things so infrequently. He gets me treats, and when I get him something in return he actually appreciated it. 
I also realized there's no guarantee I will receive that validation in any relationship but that using sunk cost analysis, when I have upwards of 50 years to live and most people my age aren't even seriously dating yet, is just dumb. 
Last night I bought my husband $92.00 worth of cold medicine, his favorite ice cream bars, and comfort food because he's sick. I made a joke to him when I got home and asked him to help bring in the groceries and he went OFF on me. He was angrily grabbing the groceries and complaining the entire time and saying the joke I made was innappropriate. I got home an hour and a half later than usual and I was also sick. I have been sicker for longer than he has and am just starting to get better. When I was sick he still expected for me to cook and clean and didn't do a single thing to help me.
So I feel like absolute fucking shit. I'm not actually optimistic about the future. I have a half million dollars of house I have to get out from under after only living here three months. I don't want to be here, I just want to fast forward to the point in my life where I got through this.",moderate
dev_pid_208,"Im so mentally unstable I feel myself going crazy : My boyfriend broke up with me. He fell in love with one of my best friends instead.
We said we would remain friends. I cant.
My friend tries to cut him off. They are/were really good friends. He may needs support. But Im disgusted by him.
Its highs and lows. I want him to be okay but his behaviour is fucking awful
I knew months ago this would happen. My friend is his dream girl. I have always been jealous of her. But I love her 
This didnt help my personality disorder at all. I actually felt better before I tried to kill myself
Im so fucking angry and disgusted
I think Im gonna start ignoring my friends. Its technically my ex's group of friends. They were fine before me and they will be happy without me again.
I dont want to meet my ex. I wont go out with them
I have actually thought about killing myself, I feel so empty. I have never loved anyone like I loved him and he fucking destroyed me
I really wanna self harm",moderate
dev_pid_209,I want to die so badly : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_210,"SUICIDE HOTLINES DO NOT HELP : I need therapy but I can’t get it due to waiting lists or the numbers provided are not in service or they tell me I have to be in their hospital as a patient even if they’re in my network or some type of referral or the same bullshit, “iF yOu hAvE a CrISIs uSE tHE SuiCiDE HotLinE” in which all I get is bullshit excuses or I get sectioned (never again-I’ve list all faith in these monsters)
I don’t get it-am I really crazy? It seems like if you aren’t this fake happy person you end up in these horrible hospitals that never let you leave yet they pretend to care-everybody is pretending to care. I can’t get any relief and everyone says I should man up or grow up or something similar but I can’t because that’s too vague and I’m also dealing with other issues. There’s no sanity anymore. People think I’m a burden or a disease that can be treated easily yet don’t realize I want help but I just can’t. Everything and everyone wants me dead.",moderate
dev_pid_211,"I really am a horrible person : As long as I talk to other people I make a lot of dumb and mean jokes, act like an asshole and do stupid things. But as soon as I stop talking I regret everything I did and said which leads to me isolating myself from other people. When I feel a bit better and try to change it's like the moment I open my mouth I'm back to this horrible personality. I know that I'm not myself when I'm around other people it's like I'm always playing a role and I really wish I could change but I just can't. I hate the way I'm acting towards family and friends and I'm always scared that they might leave me one day because of this.",moderate
dev_pid_212,"my name is gabby, i’m 18, and i’ve been on edge for awhile now.. : okay so, for starters, i’m 18 years old and live with my mom and older brother. we moved from michigan to a different state in my mother’s hopes to fix her relationship with my abusive stepdad, which ended up making it worse for all of us. they divorced, he went back up to michigan and we stayed here to stay away from the chaos i guess you can say. 
i left my boyfriend of over a year because my insecurities were mixing terribly with my depression and suicidal thoughts. my mood would switch and i would try my best to push him away with any sort of explanation. all i ever did was hurt him, and i couldn’t live with myself if i stayed knowing that i was just bringing him down with me. he really did try everything he could to help me, but it just never worked. i tried to force myself to listen and try but i just got so overwhelmed and tired. i really did want to give up. i’ve recently just been getting the waves of urge to hurt myself in some sort of way and i can’t handle it, so i turn to drugs to help ease it down, sometimes it makes it worse. i’ve never really experienced this emotion before, so you can only imagine how i reacted when it hit me.
my mom has put us through a lot of shit. meaning things with her having parties + getting shit faced at 3 in the morning, her leaving and not coming home til the late night after, her leaving us at the house while she went on a “party bus”, moving every 3-7 months, new boy problems every now and again. she really did ruin my childhood for me. i talked to my mom for the first time about how i was mentally, just for her to tell me that i have no right to feel like this and it should be her hurting, not me. not forgetting the fact that she told me i blame my issues on everyone around me and don’t take responsibility for them. i’m used to be alone, i’m fine with being individual, but when it comes to someone who is practically programmed to love and support you and isn’t really there at all, how are you supposed to cope with all of that?
my ex boyfriends mom reached out to me and offered to help pay for antidepressants to at least help me deal. it’s just so unfair. it’s not her job, or my ex’s to have to take care of me when i have a mother of my own. i’m more than capable of helping myself but i just don’t have the energy to anymore. 
my father has never been there for me. whenever he knew i had the slightest issue mentally, he would either hit me in attempt to make it go away or just send me to my grandmas. i can’t blame him. nobody really wants to put up with someone whose constantly sad or thinking about ways to hurt themselves. 
i’m so used to nobody being there, and when someone does it close, i don’t let them in. i push them away to the best of my ability and i just wish i wasn’t like this. i really need someone to be there for me but my mind is always at war. i really do hate myself. i hate everything about myself. i just hope these pills help me ..all i’ve wanted is to get better and get back with seth and continue my dream to marry him ..",moderate
dev_pid_213,"when im quiet, it's annoying. when im not quiet, im annoying. if i try not to be quiet then i would be annoying. but i dont want to be annoying so i have to stay quiet. : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_214,"It's hard to go to work already, but with the virus and the fact i work at an airport, feels even more impossible. : I've been battling health issues for the last year + on top of starting to see a therapist. So life's been extra special on top of normal life bad stuff happening. I call off work probably once a month, sometimes twice. I need mental health days from the toxic environment that is my workplace and my body is starting to disagree with the job. 
Muscles are sore, my anxiety makes my stomach hurt before going in and i feel nothing but dread, getting arthritis in my knee etc. But on top of it all, I drive a shuttle, small shuttle, and there's a pandemic. People won't stop traveling and i can't tell you how many people I've had on my bus in the last week that were just coughing away. I'm out of paid sick time. Idk what to do. My body says i need to stay home, I'm so nervous and down my stomach is wreaking havoc on me. But i couldn't afford to miss more than a day here and there. 
I fear my previous health issues are going to be made worse or reoccur because of how my body is reacting to absolutely hating that i have to be there without protection. I feel so depressed that I'm eating my feelings, spending money on useless stuff to try and make me happy for even a little. But it doesn't work all that much. Little distractions. 
I know no advice can really be given, i have to go, whether i like it or not, but i feel like i just had to tell someone. We're out on the front lines in a sense, and we feel forgotten. 
Sorry if this is jumbled, i had to get it out.",moderate
dev_pid_215,"Failed again a important exam : I started a Job Training last month and we had our first exam. I sat down for the last rwo weeks and worked hard, even with low motivation and problems remembering things.But as always i failed it with a low score. It seems i cant any exam right in my life. It is so frustrating everybody who started with less knowledge was better. Im not sure how it will going on, but i feels even when i go through the training i will be the worst of the group, like always. And how should i bring good work when i am bad at everything. It just suck, because i always think it will be perhaps better when i die so no one have to deal with my bad work.",moderate
dev_pid_216,"numbbb : for a couple months i haven't been feeling my self which is weird because i used to always express my self, smile,search for happiness and always looked on the bright side but recently my girlfriend broke up with me and wouldn't even talk to me about why, during this my grandfather is slowly dying of a kidney disease and my mother is in the hospital because of the spinal fluid leaking in her brain she couldn't even take me to school so my grandmother who already does to much for me takes me on a 40 minute drive there and back to school everyday for 3 weeks so what happens from all this my grades start dropping because i cant think of anything important in class other then how my stepdad hates me for trying to hang out with friends as much as i can to try and be happy again but nah then i started smoking a lot of weed as therapy and things did get better until my parents went through my phone saw how much i was indulging my self into drugs and don't even want to know why they are more worried about them getting in trouble so now i cant leave the house i dont' have any contact with people except this old crappy laptop i use for music ad this now and they are switching me to a more ghetto school so i can't talk to the people i was doing shit with before but this school is just gonna make me more lonely depressed angry and want to lash out more and i truly just want everything to stop.",moderate
dev_pid_217,"Not in my wildest dreams growing up did I imagine that I'd fall victim to a condition that's so severe and disabling, that I would consider and need to commit murder, (suicide) seemingly the only option, in hopes of it bringing relief. My condition is untreatable, I've truly tried everything.. : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_218,"I literally hate my life : Growing up sucked, was always abused and mistreated and mom didn’t out a lot of effort into caring about me. She was more occupied by the guys she brought home and what alcohol she was gonna drink. I also have a lot of mental problems from the abuse/rape/ molestation/ and just being used.
High school was even worse I lost my weight because I was tired of being made fun of (400lbs-245lbs in 3 months) but only made people want to use me for my car and I was the back up friend.
After high school I said fuck it and tried for the military so I got down to 180 and went to meps 12 times and was denied each time due to a tube in my ear that can be taken out but I can’t afford the procedure not that it would matter anymore anyhow seeing how the girl I got with senior year trapped me into having a kid by stopping her birth control and poking holes in the condoms only to find out she was doing it to 5 different guys (I was the unfortunate one who had to be the father)
Also due to the pressure from that I went got sole custody and she’s still in his life (lives with me actually 😓) an I’m the one working and doing everything to support all three of us while she does nothing but stay at home with him. 
Also can’t seem to hold a job for some damn reason! Every job I’ve been too I either got fired for nothing (literally idk why) or I was told I would get bumped to management and higher pay only to be used and screwed and then thrown aside and forced to either quit from lack of hours or no pay or get fired .
I went to college was actually doing online classes and they started the day my son was born but after a year and a half the classes were becoming more and more unable to do due to my son and the fact I was literally working 2 full time jobs to support everyone and watch my son while doing 4 classes.
Have a shitty car that I didn’t even want but was paid for anyway seeing how I was at work and asked my mom and gf at the time to pick it up for me and came back with a totally different car that was more expensive than the one I wanted and had a lot more problems. Fucker actually broke down on me today after 2 years.
I’m just done it feels like everything I do doesn’t matter and no one appreciates it; I’m killing myself trying to find work and make an income while she doesn’t want to work and I barely get any sleep from my ptsd and my son deciding to wake up through the night and decide to stay for 3 hours screaming his head off. I can’t go to therapy because my health insurance dropped me and I can’t provide food for the apartment (small asf and would burn it all down if I was able too) because my food stamps was declined and been trying to get it back for a year now!
I can’t go to a gym I walk around or basically anything I’d like to do for myself due to the fact I can’t pay for it or have the time to do it because it’s either work or home and no in between. I didn’t ask for this and don’t get me wrong I love my son but this life is becoming to unbearable and I literally hate it",moderate
dev_pid_219,"I've been asleep for a lot of the past five days : My mental health has absolutely tanked. A lot of it is in light of the coronavirus pandemic that is sweeping the USA, and my area in particular. There have been nine confirmed cases here and 54 of the nurses in my area are in quarantine. I am afraid to go outside.
I have quit smoking - two days in. I can't say that I am not tempted to smoke a cigarette to relieve some stress but I don't want my immune system at risk. I am 22 and have been a heavy smoker for around nine months. All of the isolation has really been driving me into a corner. 
Aside from coronavirus fears, I also suffered a trauma back in June that permanently altered the course of my life. I lost some things that were very valuable to me and in self isolation, all I can see is that grief. All I can do is cry when I think about it. Is this really the way life is meant to be? Will things ever go back to normal?
I just want to go back into the outside world without fear of getting sick, or even worse bringing that sickness home to my vulnerable mother, who could possibly die from this new virus. I can't stand any of this. I just hope things will not be as bad as they say they are going to be.
I just needed somewhere to vent. Grief hurts. Today is the first time I ate something resembling a meal in a couple of days. My stomach was upset yesterday and I gave myself a lot of water and toast. 
I miss my old life.",moderate
dev_pid_220,"Feeling numb : Does anyone ever just wake up feeling numb, not wanting to do anything and just feel so out of it?",moderate
dev_pid_221,"Angry at my 10 year old sister with severe depression : I’m a high school girl and my little sister has severe anxiety, social anxiety and depression.
Every day, she locks herself in her dark room with her phone and stays there for hours (screen time of 7 hours per day). She watches videos about depression and googles how to kill herself painlessly.
She refuses to do her schoolwork, saying she would “rather die than do the science project”. She misses many days of school, then cries about how her friends are making other friends. When she does go to school, she isolates herself from her friends and “daydreams”. She ghosted her best friend from her old school for no reason at all, then cried about how lonely she was and how much she misses her. She doesn’t exercise, eat well, or sleep well. She is so angry and hates my parents for not “understanding” her, yet she never speaks to them. My parents are trying their best to help her, but she says she doesn’t want their help. She has a therapist, but she says she wants to quit therapy because she has been “trying for so long and nothing is getting better”. She only has had four sessions.
Every night I listen to her talk and try to spend time with her, but the more I do, I feel like she isn’t trying to help herself. I know this is a part of depression, but I can’t help feeling a helpless anger and frustration towards her inaction. I love her the most in this world, but how can I help her if she isn’t going to help herself?",moderate
dev_pid_222,What’s the fucking point? : This world is full of so much suffering and bullshit that all I can think of is why? I don’t want to live in such a disgusting and stupid world. But there’s no way out of here unless you manage to kill yourself which is fucking difficult. It’s like you can’t win here. Why do people think this shit is worth it? It’s fucking bullshit. It feels like I’m here to struggle and die. This shit pisses me off. Fuck this world.,moderate
dev_pid_223,"when im quiet, it's annoying. when im not quiet, im annoying. i dont wanna be annoying so i have to always stay quiet. but it's still annoying to others. : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_224,i got infected with the corona virus :      The last few months were the worst of my life  so far. I rejected a girl that asked me out not cause i don't like her but because i dtarted feeling uncomfortable around people. My grades got realy bad and I lost my childhood  friend to cancer thats with .i couldn't efford going to the gym for the last 5 months i got fat and lost some muscle mass. That shattered my self esteem and confidence i stared staying home a lot browsering the internet.and yesterday i got enfected with the virus after thinking it was just a mild case of flu. i just wanted to get it out of my chest because i started getting suicidal thoughts and  i dont knowhow  to deal with it.   Sorry if made any spelling mistakes English isn't my first language,moderate
dev_pid_225,"Virus making everything so much : I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember but in the past few years it’s started to become debilitating. 
To top the list, I hate my job, I’m miserable. I had a vacation planned for the end of the month with my boyfriend that I’ve been looking forward to for months. Given the current state of things, my destination has been shut down and the vacation is effectively canceled until further notice. So now I have to get out of the mindset of ‘vacation coming up, a brief respite out of my fucking life’ and have to deal with sitting at my desk wanting to kill myself. Not to mention multiple other events I was actually excited about getting cancelled. 
My job has absolutely zero plans on shutting down or allowing us capabilities to work from home, even though it’s a 100% desk job. I can’t even get a little break with everything going on. 
I have very little to live for in life and because of this new hysteria, every single other thing that could possibly keep me hanging in there is now gone. 
I sound incredibly dramatic given that people are very sick from this but I’m in a major funk.",moderate
dev_pid_226,Is wanting to die a humble desire? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_227,"I’m too educated and pretty to kill myself, I’m such a waste of life : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_228,"Why can’t I ever kill myself : Why can I not just do the deed and be done with all this. Why do I feel so drained until I think of suicide but can’t do it because I don’t have the energy to. Why do I have such a strong desire to and am so close to doing it but I pussy out at the last second. Why can’t I just do it. Why am I fearful sometimes. I can’t do this anymore, the past months has been a nose dive in the mental health that I already thought hit rock bottom. I’m failing in every class, I’m slipping more and more behind, I can’t do my homework, I’m going to fail and I won’t be able to improve in any way. Everything is fucking hell and I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to fucking hang myself. I’m feeling so detached today after my mom yelled my ass off after I got bad grades, saying I’m useless and all I need to do is go to school and get good grades and nothing else. I hate it so much, I always think I won’t survive the week but I keep going on week after week, why the hell cant I just resolve myself and do it. I’m fucking stupid asl and and a disappointment.",moderate
dev_pid_229,My best friend died two years ago : Still not the same. I don’t want to get out of bed,moderate
dev_pid_230,Life is garbage and I don’t feel like doing anything : I seriously don’t understand how I’m supposed to be motivated in this stupid hell world. Work is just wasting most of your week doing bullshit for money that you’ll use to perpetuate the stupid cycle of life. I just want to stay at home all day everyday or be dead. Fuck participating in this world. Society doesn’t give a fuck about you. They don’t give you the right to die and yet they make existing fucking difficult. This world makes absolutely no sense at all. It’s no wonder why I want to gtfo and escape all of this shit once and for all.,moderate
dev_pid_231,"Things have got worse : My depression is going back to being bad, this has been going on since the start of the year, maybe even before that. I know it's getting bad because the suicidal thoughts have come back and they are almost daily now, I'm coping with not acting on it. It just that voice that keeps coming back and making me think about it because of how worthless I am and that no one would even notice that I had gone.",moderate
dev_pid_232,Everything in my life is going wrong : I really just can’t do this anymore. There’s no bright side to anything.,moderate
dev_pid_233,"Can anyone help me understand what’s going on? : I haven’t been diagnosed with depression, but I have been with anxiety. I use to have frequent anxiety attacks, but since me and my ex split up, they stopped. Now I have a different problem. I will have a great day and then all of a sudden, I get so sad. There’s no reason to get upset, but I still do. It’s uncontrollable and I have to distance myself immediately or else it gets bad. Does anyone else have this?",moderate
dev_pid_234,"Am I too far gone? (Long post) (pityparty rant warning) : Hey I just wanted to thank you in advance if you end up reading all of this. I also want to apologize because I don't think anyone should read this as it's going to be very negative and depressing so back out now if you don't want to feel disgusted and shameful to be a human because of this post.
Anyway here goes I guess. I'll try to to organize this as best I can, but I'm in a pretty emotional state right now so it might be messy or hard to read. 
So I feel like either:
A. My parent or parents have fucked me up due to either awful parenting or non existent parenting. I've never had my biological father in my life. Just countless men that didn't really care about me and just wanted my mother for sex before they could leave and move on to the next mentally unstable single mom. One of them I thought was my real father until I was 8 years old which kind of fucked with me when I found out that who I thought was my father was actually like the 5th or 6th man she's been with at that point. I even called him ""dad"" for years. I can't imagine how he felt having this kid he wants nothing to do with call him their father. I kind of feel bad for him looking back on it. Maybe I was just a really stupid kid and that was my fault for getting attached to someone that didn't give a fuck about me.
Moving on though. Getting off topic a bit. More behind point A. My mother since I was maybe 2-4? Has been an extremely narcissist drunk/druggie with mental issues that has only ever cared for herself. She sure could put on a good show in front of others to make it seem like she was the world's perfect parent, but once back home it was ""I want nothing to do with you, leave me alone and go play your games or something so I can drink my pain away"". This left me feeling, yet I didn't realize it at the time or even know I felt this way that it was my fault that she or my real father didn't love me. Why else would he not be in the picture and she wants nothing to do with me? Obviously it's my fault right? I hate myself today, but feel so much love and feel so sorry for that kid back then. Sigh... 
Messed up the post a bit so it may be out of order of how I intended it to be so sorry for that. 
From a young age I feel like I've had the idea ""ok, nobody cares about you, you're all that you have and it will always be that way"". All of this started fucking with my head especially when I would see kids with their extremely loving and caring parents just enjoying life like it was so natural for them. I would think ""yeah there is definitely something wrong with me. That's why these kids are loved and I'm not."" I'd see kids make mistakes or anything that kids will obviously do because they're kids, and still be loved the same regardless of what they've done. I on the other hand would make a mistake or do anything kids do and it would become the end of the world. ""You broke something? You're so fucking stupid! Why the fuck were you so clumsy?!"" Or ""You don't want to come to church with me every Sunday to be forced to believe in something you truly don't?"" ""You're ruining my perfect social image""! She didn't actually say the last part but you know what I mean by that. 
She would tell me how ungrateful I am everytime I wouldn't do something she said. ""You wouldn't even exist because of me."" She thought that since she birthed me, she owned me and treated me like I wasn't my own person. She would say ""I brought you into this world and I have the power to take you out of it."" I became very lost and confused from a young age. 
It also doesn't help that my mine and my brother's only parent, yeah I didn't mention my brother yet, but he is from a different father as well so we are half-brothers both without fathers and stuck with our unfortunately biological mother. Thank god I had him and he was street smart because he kept himself and I alive. Anyway she ended up abandoning us one night when we were 10 and 14. Me 10 him 14. We were hanging out with his friends one night and when we went back home the house was locked and she was nowhere to be found. I of course blamed myself. Sigh... Turns out she just left the state without telling anyone. My brother's friend's mother offered us a place to stay until she was heard from and we had to live with his friend for 6 months before finally hearing that she was in rehab.
Or maybe it was option B: I was fucked up since birth and they never told me anything and just pretended like I was normal, but deep down they knew the ""truth"" and loved me less for it and treated me accordingly. I have no clue if there is something wrong with me to this day or not but honestly even if there wasn't I feel like I've become fucked up and now something may be wrong wrong with me regardless because of point A. Either way I feel fucked. Too fucked to ever live a normal happy life. To do the things most take for granted. To find love, get a job, start a career, to live with my partner, develop hobbies, enjoy life, etc.
I'm 19 years old and I've never been in a loving relationship, yet desperately craving to be in one. I know it is unrealistic for someone like me though so I try to say ""Hey life's unfair, you're just one of the unlucky one's. Deal with it.""
I've never had a job. Fear, depression, anxiety, and insecurity, along with who knows what others mental issues I may have have prevented me from trying to get one. I don't think I even meet the qualifications for a McDonald's crew member. Which leads me to the next point.
I failed the 7th grade and dropped out in 9th. I'm not sure if these were because of A. Fucked up childhood and the mental issues along with it. Or B. I'm just retarded and I'm destined to live an unhappy unsuccessful life because of it.
I have nothing good in my life it seems. I just want to idk maybe love someone and be loved by someone. I want to fall in love, go back to school, maybe college, get a job, maybe a career or trade, and start living my life happily and free and most other things people take for granted like it's just like breathing to them. But is it too unrealistic for me? Will I be alone and like this until I die? God I hope not.
I know I should seek therapy but I feel so fucking afraid. Like I'm too far gone and I'd just embarrass myself and be laughed at for someone like me even trying to be helped.
Anyway this post is getting long so I'm going to have to cut off some bits. I have so much more I wish to type but it won't fit and may be way too long to read. So I thank you again if you read this and sorry if there isn't much to go off, I wish I could add more, but there are even things that I probably don't consciously remember that are still fucking with me soo.. Idk. Thank you again.",moderate
dev_pid_235,My depressed ass was doing social distancing before it was cool : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_236,"I'm fucking tired guys. : I can't find a job despite attending countless interviews, I'm literally having to rely on my boyfriend as I have no savings left. I don't even want the jobs I'm applying for but I need money to live. Existence just feels like a massive effort. I feel like I spend my days wading through syrup only to find each day after that is the same. I'm tired. I don't feel like I'm the kinda person that can work in a job they hate for the next 50 years just so I can earn money to live.",moderate
dev_pid_237,"Suicidal thoughts, just gets worse : [Mona ](https://scontent-arn2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/88212694_2599118326880690_8960531162304872448_o.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_sid=85a577&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_ohc=8fOZkxxECmkAX9ZZTvF&_nc_ht=scontent-arn2-1.xx&_nc_tp=14&oh=dee47367c41d683a322c0f3230cb2b6e&oe=5E926081)
Hey.. 
My name is Mona, and I’m not really good at talking about myself but I’m the type of person who tries to help everyone when my own world is falling apart.. and lately I feel like my suicidal thoughts are getting out of control. I want to talk to someone, just to talk you know? Not looking for solutions I just want to talk, to vent. I don’t have anyone to do that with. It would feel really nice.. although it’s not easy for me to open up I would give it a chance. I guess it’s worth trying",moderate
dev_pid_238,I want to learn how to NOT put my happiness in other people’s hands : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_239,"Caring about corona? : I wish I would care about corona as much as the majority.
I wish I would buy all the toilet paper and handsanitizer.
I wish I was scared.
I wish it would take me.
Instead of all the people who are afraid of it.
But I'm not at risk if it gets me.
And I feel guilty because of it.",moderate
dev_pid_240,"I’m so tired : When someone finds out I had a crisis they will be like “omg why didn’t you open up to anyone, I’m always here for you, you know that, it doesn’t have to get that bad”
But I’ve been opening up and asking for help for months and people will not respond, my own parents will not respond and say they will help find a doctor and never do.
I called 20 doctors yesterday and all of them had some reason they couldn’t take me - insurance, they don’t prescribe my medicine, no space, or the 70% that don’t answer or get back to you at all
I could be really going through it and the people closest to me will not respond to me for hours. 
I really don’t know what to say anymore, do they not think it’s as serious as I tell them? I’m giving up a little.",moderate
dev_pid_241,"Can’t be happy : I just can’t ever feel happy. I keep trying to improve but nothing works and I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be able to accept feeling the way I do. I started to feel like this a long time ago but it never really bothered me because I knew I was still just a kid and thought I would eventually get better when I grew older. I still feel the same as I did back then and have tried so much to get better. I wasn’t comfortable with my body so I got in shape thinking that would change my life but it didn’t. I had never been with a girl before so I started sleeping around thinking that what change something but it didn’t. I don’t even have a reason to be sad my life is normal and I have so many people who love me but I just can’t return the feeling and I feel like I let everyone down. I feel like I hurt everyone that get close to me they say they miss me and want to see me more than they do but it always feels like a chore to be around people and I just get exhausted so quickly. My sister wants to see me more and whenever we do go out I just kill the mood and she keeps telling me to stop looking so miserable but I can’t help it and when she asks me what’s wrong and how she can help I don’t have an answer because there nothing wrong I’m just miserable piece of shit. She told me once that it she doesn’t feel like she even has a brother and this made me bawl my eyes out after I left the room. My parents definitely feel the same way about me but I hardly even care about them because I’m so fucked in the head. I feel like I’m in a dream like something’s missing in my brain and I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to. It’s like I’m not ever awake and I sometimes think that this is just the way it is for everyone and I’m being a wimp, but there are moments where I doze off and I have a dream of a moment from really long time ago where I felt normal and this memory makes me feel so alive it’s like I’m awake and I feel so excited and it’s like my body turns on again and this rush of emotion gets me so excited that I wake up and the feeling goes away before I can truly get a good understanding of it. I want to feel like that all the time when I’m awake but I don’t know how or if I ever will. It was my 21st birthday today and I invited all my friends together hoping to have an at least half decent night but I felt miserable and out of place the entire time. This night was pretty much the most fun I’ve ever had and if that didn’t even make me feel good then nothing will. I don’t want to just live to keep everyone around me happy I want to live for myself but I can’t and I don’t see the point anymore I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I’m not suicidal I don’t want to die I want to live but I don’t feel alive like if I woke up and the past 10 years turned out to be a dream I wouldn’t even be shocked that would honestly make more sense. I’m wasting so much of my life feeling miserable my family keeps telling me to be happy because I’m in the prime of my life but this makes me so scared because it’s just going to get worse from here. Whatever I was really in the mood to type out how I was feeling but I have already lost interest in finishing this  so I’m just going to stop. Thanks for reading this crap I guess.",moderate
dev_pid_242,"My girlfriend ghosted me at the peak of our relationship (6 months)... today is my birthday and i'm depressed as fuck, giving the fact that i did a whole ass celebration for her bday in november. I feel stupid and i want to die. : Some friends are trying to tell me that they care abt me and that they noticed how much I talk about wanting to really be dead. 
I feel like I'm not part of this world and I'm a burden to my family and friends. 
I don't know how to stop going into a spiral of bad thoughts",moderate
dev_pid_243,"Real consequences of brain fog and melt down : Had a horrible night a couple days ago, suicidal and not thinking clearly. During this time I impulsively bought a nonrefundable roundabout train ticket to go to a large shopping centre for spring shopping. I did this the day before they announced a pandemic. Good job, me. 👏
All I can think of is how angry everyone would be/how much people would hate me for going on a train now. I'm not sick and not in an effected area, but people are concerned and it is common sense not to go on public transport right now. I will have to bail and learn from this mistake. 
And yeah. I think part of me did want to catch the virus so I would hopefully die. There are lots of illnesses one would hope to catch and die from but this one is just the forerunner at the moment. I denied at the time that people around me would be susceptible. I'm a bad person. I'm not smart. My mind is clouded. Happy Friday, hope you're well. Sorry about. Me. Overall.",moderate
dev_pid_244,2020 : Anyone else feeling like this year is the equivalent to the final boss in dark souls? Just feels like everything is collapsing. Peoples minds on top of all.,moderate
dev_pid_245,Tired : Tired of trying to be happy. Tired of trying to be positive. Its just easier to be miserable tbh. I don’t see a point anymore. Everything is meaningless. I’m worthless and thats never gonna change.,moderate
dev_pid_246,"I’m Dull : I have no interests and have been emotionally numb for a few years now. Meds so far have made it worse and I’m always bored. No friends of course since I have no interest in doing anything. 
Dunno what to do. Just kind of always super calm and super bored. Feel like I’m going to die from boredom.",moderate
dev_pid_247,What drugs can I get over the counter that wont hurt when I overdose? : Serious answers only please none of the whole you'll be fine stuff,moderate
dev_pid_248,Does anyone else’s mood improve when they changed their environment? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_249,Who do you go to when you have no one to talk to? : I got into a pretty bad fight with my mother but I admitted I was wrong and apologized. I'm not perfect and people make mistakes but according to her my apology means nothing. She's said some pretty awful things to me and I don't even want an apology back from her just for her to accept mine but she is ignoring me. I feel like just walking into traffic atm I think it would be better if I did honestly.,moderate
dev_pid_250,"Clawing my way out : I've struggled with my depression since I was 12 (I'm 19 now) but recently it's been really weighing on me to the point where I was barely taking care of myself. I made it to 2 of my 10 classes last week, and I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts so I was high all the time from Thursday to Saturday. For the month (longer? my memory is shitty lol) prior to that I was smoking weed at least twice a day. I didn't want to be skipping class and getting high all the time (I actually love my classes) but it felt like I couldn't do anything else.
Over the weekend, I had a bit of a mental breakdown which resulted in me crying nonstop for multiple days (I usually never cry) and I ended up calling my parents for support. I felt really bad about making my dad fly out to my university, but his support has really been helping me. My friends and girlfriend have also been incredibly supportive.
I've signed up with my university's counseling and disability services, so if I have another episode I will have a bit of a safety net. I only missed 4 classes this week, and 2 were on Monday when I was still having my mental breakdown. I'm working on getting a therapist.
Today I managed to get out of bed without someone telling me to (I am terrified of disappointing people so I leverage that to get myself to do things lol) and I walked to my morning class! I was able to pay attention to the songbirds because I left early enough that I didn't need to rush. It feels really good.
Hopefully I can keep this momentum going and be ready to return and work hard next semester!",moderate
dev_pid_251,"I forgot how good self harm felt : Drunk and cutting myself. This is the best I've felt in a long time, seriously. The warmth that radiates through my body after i cut myself is so fucking pleasurable. The best part is I get to tell my therapist and have her validate me and then i get to go through the lows of her telling me that if i don't want to commit to being healthy we should just terminate therapy. I love it. At least this way i get to feel real emotion, instead of the filtered numbness that normally permeates my life. Last time I cut myself was over a year ago, relapsing feels really good too.",moderate
dev_pid_252,"How do you get through the day? : I recently started a new job and I already felt it crawling up to me yesterday. That heavy feeling of being useless, everything is senseless and too hard to achieve. But it was near the end of the day so I still made it to get in my car before I broke down. Today is really hard. I have to dig down the feeling of bursting out in tears any moment all the time and force me to smile. It’s really hard since I get extra attention from anyone since I’m the new supervisor. How do you guys work with those days? Any suggestion is welcomed.",moderate
dev_pid_253,"Will it ever get better? : I’ve been dealing with major depression for as long as I can remember, as well as severe anxiety/an attention disorder/eating disorder/etc lol. I’ve been on 40 mg of Prozac but it’s not helping whatsoever, I just secured a job but I still can’t help but feel like this entire thing is going to end up with me dead. I’ve been struggling so hard with weekly therapy to try and get better but at the end of the day I just feel like there’s absolutely no hope for me.",moderate
dev_pid_254,"Lost interest in everything : I've lost interest in everything i do,i used to enjoy playing video games, now its bland for me
i used to enjoy going to school and meeting with friends, now everything is bland and everything is just ""meh""
It all started a few months ago, and i still get a little blister of a feeling i used to have for something
its the only thing that gives me a little hope that i might be able to get them back or move onto new things and enjoy life
but new things also don't work
I've tried new video games,meeting new friends and tried to relax more but nothing seems to make me enjoy life
why? why can't i enjoy life?
it seems like every smile or laugh i make is a fake one..
i need some advice or tips, just something to give me hope.",moderate
dev_pid_255,"everyone is freaking out about everything being cancelled and having to do ""social distancing"" and i'm just like...life as usual. : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_256,"You ever suddenly realise that you haven't had a conversation with anyone in days? Gone to work, done whatever and then come home, just to do it all over again in silence? : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_257,Does your brain go blank? Unable to speak.. : My depression has worsened this past year and over the last two weeks or so I've been experiencing something new. I can't properly describe it but it's just like I'm no longer here. Does your brain go completely blank? Like you have no thoughts at all? Lately I find myself not thinking about anything and it's hard to form any words and talk to ppl. Today for example I spent an hour on the phone with my friend. She is very supportive and wants to help/listen to me but I just couldn't bring myself to say something.. and it's not because I was afraid to open up or something like that. I just don't know what to say and feel completely empty. Sometimes I even just stare at the wall or whatever surroundings. The bizarre thing is I'm also very calm and at peace. It honestly feels like I'm dead I don't know how to explain it... has this happened to anyone? How do you snap out of it?,moderate
dev_pid_258,"Havent been to class for 2 weeks. : Im dying inside because I want to quit college but dont at the same time. I dont even care if my grades are shit i just dont want the past almost 3 years to be wasted. I want to be able to accomplish something. I want to graduate. But I dont know if I can anymore. Im struggling academically but Im too afraid to ask for help from my lecturers. My parents dont know about my situation and Im scared to tell either, Im tired of disappointing them. Why cant i be useful for once. Please help me god",moderate
dev_pid_259,"How do you stop bad memories : Because I know good memories pile over the bad ones. And I’m the type of person that chooses to be happy and not spend my time dwelling. And maybe that’s my problem is I don’t fully heal? I just carry on like it didn’t happen. 
But I literally get nightmares and I get thoughts of mean shit people said during an argument or how they treated me and it destroys me. I forgive and move past it but it will come out of nowhere and it causes horrible anxiety and sudden deep depression. 
I guess no matter how hard you try to run from your problems they always creep up until you deal with them?",moderate
dev_pid_260,It happens more and more that I realize that I'm the worst human imaginable. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_261,"Try to battle my depression and anxiety : I just decided that I want to try something new or to focus my thoughts on other matters to fight my depression and anxiety. I want to read books about boosting the mind, increasing my observation and deduction skills, try and predict other peoples thoughts and movements. To be honest, my inspiration in doing this is Patrick Jane from The Mentalist and Sherlock Holmes from the series Sherlock. I know its a long shot but I wanna do this to learn more about our thinking. Maybe this can help ease depression or maybe even banish it from my brain. I will search and buy books about that and I will do my best to practice the lessons and use it for good. Thank you so much for reading this. Now I'm gonna list some books that I will order so I can start reading asap. Can you suggest some books about the said interest? Thank you so much again reddit people and thank you for supporting people like me. Thank you so so much.",moderate
dev_pid_262,"I'm honestly scared : I don't know where to start. 
I am an American student studying abroad in London for Spring 2020. As many of you are aware, the coronavirus situation is scary, and the UK government is doing nothing to stop it. I am afraid I will contract the virus while I am abroad, and my parents believe I am going to be fine until May 23rd, which is the day I am set to leave London. I want to tell them they're wrong, and they constantly tell me to just enjoy my travel abroad, and I want to, but I can't when this virus is not being contained, and I am now fearing for my wellbeing. This might be it for me.",moderate
dev_pid_263,"Distorted Thoughts ? : I've always been wary of people I think. Do they like me? Are they genuine? Are they even really my friend?
I had been single a long time after a toxic marriage. Long story short, he was bipolar (possibly Borderline) and it was mentally and emotionally abusive.
I have a caring, good boyfriend (7.5 mos) and deep down I believe he wouldn't be a cheater. After an argument I feel like it's the beginning of the end. Probably because with my ex we've ""broken up"" idk how many times while we were married  over small trivial things.
I think that my boyfriend might be the type to stick around past the expiration date of a relationship... His last girlfriend was kinda like mine and also physically abusive when drunk. So I'm constantly worrying about all kinds of stuff and then I think about us and I've started constantly worrying about us now.
Does he still want to be with me? Is he talking to someone else? Is he sticking it out to avoid confrontation or even awkwardness at work? (We work very close together)
I'm scared to talk to him about my anxieties because he hasn't given me a reason to think he's cheated. I don't want to put it out there in the universe and have it become this self fulfilling prophecy...
I feel crazy and sad.",moderate
dev_pid_264,It's my birthday : nothing feels more surreal than everyone around you being super happy and giving you attention and acting like you're also a part of the celebratory mood when you really want to kill yourself,moderate
dev_pid_265,"Tomorrow morning, my partner might leave me. I might not make it until then : I don't think I will kill myself. I just really, really want to. My depression has been getting worse recently, all the bad thoughts have been getting worse and I've become a bad partner. I always made mistakes but now it seems like I only ruin everything without ever providing any of the positive aspects of a relationship. My partner left angry to go to sleep early. I feel like tomorrow morning, they might end it for good. I know it's my own fault. I just want to die",moderate
dev_pid_266,Anyone care to chat? : Just struggling to find anyone to talk to and lonely.,moderate
dev_pid_267,"Nobody : Why does none of my friends care me anymore or talk to me like we used to laugh and make jokes. But now they barely talk to me anymore. Idk what to do and I feel like crying all day in school and just overthink in class. I always seem happy but I’m no longer happy but nobody sees. I’m always tired now cuz I stay up late crying myself to sleep and nobody notices. I’ve lost my appetite to eat any of my meals but I still eat cuz my parents will notice a change in me. I have missed my mom for a year and a half and it hurts cuz she was my everything, she made me happy and comforted me when I cried at school or home but now I just feel empty and one day I might self harm myself and people will say oh she’s just looking for attention and I always got bullied in school when I was younger. One day I might try to do suicide and they will ask what was wrong with her or why didn’t she tell us, I didn’t tell anyone cuz I’m afraid of living and dieing at the same time and nobody payed any attention to see that I was already broken. I still smile but that isn’t my true smile. My online friends are the only ones that help me but some of them have stopped talking to me. I wish I was happy again😭😭😭😭😭😭😔😔👉💔💔💔💔💔",moderate
dev_pid_268,"I am feeling so low.Again : I am feeling so low.Again.
26yo here.i feel like my whole existence is nothing.i created nothing i have gone in another country to work hoping i would earn something but things didnt work out so well and i am without money.
I would just like to go home and tell my parents sorry because i am a failure,although i didnt do them nothing and never asked for anything,i still feel like i failed them.I just want everybody to leave me alone and play my guitar again.",moderate
dev_pid_269,"Lost all motivation to do anything, and it’s majorly fucking with my life : I’ve felt depressed since about late last year I think, when my parents split up and I came to realise that my mum had basically been abusing me my whole life, and since then I’ve lost all motivation to do anything, playing games, writing or drawing, things that I used to enjoy are no longer enjoyable, which is annoying in its own right but I’ve also lost all motivation to do schoolwork.
I have a coding project that’s due in Monday for review, but it’s barely 20% done, it used to be 50% but then I realised I did something wrong so I scrapped it. 
I’ve been trying to work on it since 6am this morning but I haven’t done anything, just sat, scrolled and cried about my impending doom mainly.
I just feel like there’s no hope for me, I can barely do my coursework and my exams are less than 3 months away so I’m probably gonna fail those as well.
Sorry for bitching about my life, I just feel like such a fuck up.",moderate
dev_pid_270,"I don’t feel anything : Most of the time, most days, I feel nothing I don’t feel anything. I wake up and I think again really? I have to do this again. No matter what I do I don’t feel anything I do what I like i don’t like it.",moderate
dev_pid_271,"I broke down today and asked for help : I’ve never been one to ask for help with anything; usually i feel guilty for it or like I’m ruining someone else’s day if i do. I recently started this night shift job but the stress has been more than I’ve ever experienced. I feel like I’m doing the work of two or three people and it’s almost impossible to keep up with it. My depression has been creeping up this past year too, and after trying (and failing) to take care of a sick parent my passive suicidal thoughts have become more and more frequent. Funny thing is i started counseling and had my anti-depressant dose kicked up a couple months ago but with little improvement. 
Last night was really difficult and after making some mistakes the self loathing and hatred seemed to turn up that voice in my head telling me to kill myself. I started to make plans to kill myself; maybe trace my veins in the tub or go buy a gun for a rainy day. I have one person left in my life who cares enough to check on me, and her urging got me to reach out. First i called the suicide prevention line, and they helped me make plans for the day to keep myself distracted and away from anything dangerous to myself. Next i built up the courage to call my supervisor to ask for some time off. I tried to be as honest as possible so she knew exactly what was going on with me, and thankfully she was very understanding. I reached out to my regular counselor who recommended i call a nearby pysch hospital to set up an assessment.
I know I’m lucky to have these resources and i wish i could swap my life with someone else who needs it more. I just don’t see myself as worthy or deserving of all of this but i guess that’s part of my problem too.
I might be going in for an inpatient stay or a partial hospitalization program if i can swing it. Either way today i snapped on the inside and thankfully there was someone to there to reach out to. I’m kinda worried about going but i know if i keep doing nothing then next time i will kill myself.
I hope we can all get the help we need. And i hope i can conquer these demons.
Stay safe folks, and sorry for the ramble.",moderate
dev_pid_272,Does it ever feel like you are just floating? : Today i was waking in the halls to my third block and i don't remember anything except a feeling like i was just... floating like i was just not there or a ghost the only way i can describe it is like i didn't have a body or i was like projected out side of my body and was just being dragged through the crowd by a string or something. And i remember thinking that it was a weird feeling but i just couldn't hold onto my thoughts kind of like they were slippery fish squirming out of my grasp.,moderate
dev_pid_273,"Alone : Is anyone willing to talk to me please? I’m all alone. I don’t really have any friends anymore, so can’t really text anyone either. And I’m getting stuck in my head. I hate being alone and in my head. Please help",moderate
dev_pid_274,"No one in this subreddit really cares : Whenever I post here, I can be lucky to get one response and maybe 5 up votes. I have no one anymore. I'm all alone. Coming here for help is the only way I might get anyone to slightly give a shit about me, maybe talk with me long enough to wait the bad thoughts out. But no, this subreddit is exclusively filled with people who couldn't care less about other's problems, really. I'm no different, really. I'm just as bad. That's why I'm probably gonna nope tf out tonight. I just wish that in the future, maybe people will reach out a little to people who are begging for help",moderate
dev_pid_275,How to get therapy without my dad finding out? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_276,"I'm the friend until they find someone better : My friends are my friends when their other friends aren't there. I initiate, I talk to people, I try to be nice, but I guess I'm just not an interesting person enough for anyone to stay. It even happened with someone I was so close too. I don't think friendships exist for me.",moderate
dev_pid_277,Job situation makes me feel on verge of mental breakdown : I loved my job until about 6 months ago when I got a new boss who has made my life completely miserable. For the last 2 months I’ve been doing a lot of applications and interviewing. Also during these 2 months I’ve been trying to join a company where the hiring manager I’ve worked with before and has been trying to bring me on for a while. I had the last round of interviews this week and am concerned that Coronavirus will mess up the hiring timeline. I’m so afraid of potentially being stuck in my job for months longer. I’m about to have a mental breakdown. I’m struggling with how to cope with this each day. My family does not want to listen to me anymore and I don’t know who to go to,moderate
dev_pid_278,"I need help. : For the past two-three weeks things have been different, confusing like I can’t seem to grasp my feelings, I feel all the things associated with depression I have been diagnosed with depression but I don’t feel depressed, I feel fine like not happy not sad just nothing no emotion and when I think about depression I feel like a liar and an idiot, it feels like my head is a jigsaw but it’s three different sets mixed together and nothing make sense and I don’t feel physically depressed all the time like their are times in the day where I’m paralysed but it lasts from 10 minutes to 2-3 hours but it’s not 24/7, I’m so confused help.",moderate
dev_pid_279,"i knew it. : you all don't care, i hate you all fucking people.",moderate
dev_pid_280,"More signs of depression starting to show : Recently i'm starting to feel more and more depressed and my life isn't as fun as it used to be Music doesn't sound as good as it used to, video games aren't as fun as they used to everything is getting less and less fun also I feel like nobody likes me Like one time i got hundreds or even thousands of hate comments sent to me and that made me feel like nobody likes me in fact i think a lot of people hate me sigh... Oh the finally my parents are bossing me around so now i feel worse...
I'm starting to wish i was never born into this world...
Somebody please help.",moderate
dev_pid_281,"I wish I had never gone to university : I wish I had had better guidance growing up, and I wish I had been shown that I had a choice to not attend post-secondary education. I didn't want to go, I was pressured into it and I feel very ashamed for that. I was never driven to pursue academics, nor did I have the maturity to make the most of a 5 year expensive investment.
I know people younger than me who dropped out/didn't attend, and are now in a much better position financially and life-wise. If someone goes to college and benefits from it, that's great for them, but it was not for me.
There isn't anything I can do now. I am 25 and applying for low-wage jobs because of my lack of experience. I have had only a few interviews so far after a year and a half of unemployment, living with my family. Not one interviewer asked me anything substantial about my education history, other than the fact that my major was not relevant to the position at hand.
I wish I had had better perspective at the time, more maturity, better guidance. As I get older, it saddens me to realize how many ""adults"" know very little for their age, adults I had taken advice from. At 25 I understand more than they do at 40, 50, or 60.
If I had just started working at 18, working at anything, I would have been on a much better path. Now I am 25 with a degree that is useless to me, an empty resume, and starting from nil. I cannot use social media or talk to people my age because how low it makes me feel in comparison.",moderate
dev_pid_282,"Cant see my way forward : Sorry this is so long, I just needed to get it out and didnt have anywhere to share. If you take the time, many thanks. 
I've suffered depression as long as I (34m) can remember, having led a life filled with trauma. 
This past 4-6 years have been particularly rough, and I have been off work for just over one year now. With a psychiatrist appointment coming up, I've realized that I have little idea what that will entail, what to talk to them about or what is most important to share with them. I may have only one appointment, though I'm not 100% on that. 
Some pointform background: 
- my single parent suffered significant depression
- my parent was hospitalized in a psychiatric facility when I was very young and we were separated for some time 
- I developed nervous tics and anxious behaviour 
- I have since learned about the significant self-harm my parent was engaging in during this time and leading up to the next point
- my parent was diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria and came out to me as trans and gay when I was 11
- i adjusted quickly and had little trouble understanding with the help of therapy and proper information 
- my parent adjusted well, and recovered significantly
- anxiety driven behavior worsens, nervous tics vanish (pre-teen) 
- bullied lots, sometimes very violently (pipes, stabbed) usually related to my family or some assumption that I was also LGBT. 
- some heavy drug and alcohol use throughout teen and early adulthood (MDMA, cannabis, psilocybin, nicotine, alcohol)
- long-time friend drastically increases his involvement with violent neo-nazi group (late teens)
- moved to new city 
- entered into relationship, victim of intense abuse for 8 years (verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual, economic)
- health issues during the abusive relationship: widespread joint pain, off work for depression, injuries at work(including substantial back injury which results in me using a cane periodically to this day), and depression again. 
- minimal therapy after leaving abuse
- off work periodically for a while post-relationship
- first lung collapse at end of 2014 right before big move to new province with current gf (8weeks recovery, life threatening)
- second lung collapse early 2015 (quit smoking, 7 weeks recovery)
- lose job over missed time, health and anxiety
- third lung collapse in early 2016 (6 weeks recovery)
- fourth lung collapse in mid 2016 (6 weeks recovery) 
- fifth lung collapse in January 2017 (6 weeks recovery)
- move to hometown to care for parent after they are diagnosed with stage 3C lung cancer (April 2017)
- parent diagnosed with Stage 3CG1 Colorectal cancer (August 2017)
- sixth lung collapse in February 2018 immediately followed by surgery. Lung wrapped around heart, effectively strangling it. Recovery 3.5 months, ongoing. Never really recovered properly from this. Pain, discomfort, numbness, restricted breathing, fatigue and anxiety persist. 
- Parents diagnosis upgraded to Stage 4C
- Seventh lung collapse in June 2018 (small, recovered with no medical intervention)
- gf's mental health begins to spiral out of control, including an affair with coworker. Her memory of july to september is hazy at best. She stops working August 2018
- gf attempts suicide by overdose. This was my last day of work (Sept 24 2018)
- my 33rd bday (Sept 26 2018)
- parent announces they bought a house and their intent to move 45 minutes outside of town by the end of October 2018 (my gf and I dont drive, and need access to medical care, so we moved into an apartment) 
- 8th lung collapse in January 2019, surgery in mid-February (happens to be one day after my parents major cancer related surgery, after which he is left with an stoma). 5 days in hospital, long recovery. 
- temporary government assistance begins april 2019
My question is, how do I approach this appointment? 
I am not ready to go back to work, at least not in the sense that I ever have, and I am unlikely to resume life the way it ever was. 
I struggle around people to a debilitating degree, I have a hard time leaving my house outside of a handful of reasons, I have no desire to make, maintain or pursue friendships and I havent had any interest in many, many years now. My physical abilities are compromised and I'm exhausted constantly alongside everything else. 
Any input would be so greatly appreciated, as I cannot see my way forward. 
I'm sure to be missing so much, but this is what was immediately significant. 
TL;DR (as best I can) 
Life filled with intense depression, anxiety debilitating trauma and spousal abuse, persistant and crippling health issues, and terminal illness in the family has left me a person I barely recognize. I realize that much can change, but also lots wont. 
How do I approach a psychiatrist appointment and doctors from my new reality and perspective, knowing both I am not ready to go back to work and am unlikely to resume life the way it was?",moderate
dev_pid_283,"I'm supposed to be ""objectively"" happy, but I'm not and I just need something. : To explain a little of my backstory, I'll try and give as much details about my life without being too specific. I used to go to a really good high school that you had to test to get in to. I was projected to do very well and a lot of people, i.e. friends and family thought i would succeed and use this high school as a launching point. I crumbled under the pressure, and i felt so insecure about my place in life that all i could do was basically sit at home and play league and contemplate the meaning of self-harm. I eventually transferred out of that high school and into another one where i skimped by. I had many many many therapy sessions before i graduated high school, a majority of them focused on the societal and familial pressures that i felt were placed on me because i was not living up to the expectations that they nor I had. I graduated high school with a sub par gpa and eventually went to a college, following another one of my closest friends. My first year of college consisted of one of my first friends committing suicide, this hurt me so deep because it really altered what i had personally preconceived people with depression as. See, this particular friend was always the highlight of the group, the leader, the percy jackson main character that seemed to have everyone else follow. I was in and out of college at that point, withdrawing and dropping out basically. I eventually moved away and then got a job. I had many more therapy sessions, dealing with my deeper psychological problems ranging from self-hatred to a constant need for approval from others. I eventually stopped counseling, i had thought i got better. I started dating a girl i had met online. I decided to go back to school, because I have support systems, a drive to finish college, to provide for myself and my future significant other. However, I'm not happy. I'm not happy right now, regardless of how well I'm doing in college, how good my relationship is going, my family's health are all standard. I'm simply not happy, and i've been disassociating to the point where sometimes i can see myself from a third point of view and I don't know how to explain it to the people around me, to the girlfriend that loves and supports me. I can honestly say that for the first time in a while, I want to die, for no particular reason. I simply wish to... cease existence. But i know i can't just do that. I know how much it would hurt the people i care about. But i don't know how to stop this downward spiral that is slowly eating away at my psyche like a worm inside of an apple. Please help me, I beg you.",moderate
dev_pid_284,"Mental Health and Self Harm : Looking after our mental health is paramount for us to function. If we are more mentally stable we can do almost anything. But if it's unstable, an infinite amount of things become impossible. When someone's mental health starts to deplete, they start to lose memory or not remember things properly. It annoys us just as much as everyone else. 
We get agitated quickly. Focus too hard on a question or task. Get distracted too easily. Telling a story that would usually take 5 minutes would turn into 15-20 minute stories. Our mood changed too quickly for our own good. We can go from being overly active one minute to laying in bed for 3 days straight. Company is somewhat good, if around the right people. And relationships are probably the hardest thing to ever keep up when your mental health is unstable. We end up more often than not destroying the relationship and pushing them away for good. And when you push away the person who is supposed to help and support you, there is something wrong, but you can't do anything to stop it.
Now self harm can be a lot of things. It can be the obvious like cutting, overdosing, or other things alike. But it can also be things like; getting a tattoo or piercing, scratching or picking a scab on your body, plucking or pulling out hairs, getting into a bath or shower that's just a little more on the hot side, not eating, eating too much, biting your lips, pushing loved ones away, or anything else which seems mundane or not self harm-ish. To some degree, every single person has self harmed. Some worse than others, of course. Some have reason, some don't. And there are people and things out there to help. Not all methods work, but they're there anyway.
When someone's mental health is going downhill or spiralling, the best thing you can do is try to support them and be there for them. I am guilty of pushing the one person I love away and making him hate me so much that he didn't even want to hear my voice on the phone, and now we are no longer together. I'm on my own now, which is difficult. It is never easy fighting everything on your own, and the person who was meant to be there is no longer around or wants anything to do with you.
So if you know someone who is spiralling, help them. Please. We don't mean everything bad we say to you, we just want comfort. We need you. Please.",moderate
dev_pid_285,"I was already depressed, but now I'm depressed and in love with someone who probably doesn't even know I exist : Man this fella is so cute you wouldn't believe it. So fucking smart. I fucking despise science but I could listen to him talking about it forever I swear to God.  And so I do. I listen but I don't say anything because why would he care about me. I suck. I'm a socially anxious mess. He's tried talking to me a few times but that was a while ago and I messed it up. Even if he liked me (which he doesn't, obviously) I probably seem like I am not interested in the slightest because I am socially retarded.
I've always been depressed but I swear the few minutes I get to listen to him talk and make stupid jokes always made my day.
No school for a month now, though. A few more weeks after that and I'll never see him again. I'm a coward. But he wouldn't like me anyway. So I don't say anything. I just listen.
Sometimes I wish something good could happen to me just once. But everything always just sucks and there's always something else that makes things even worse.",moderate
dev_pid_286,"update: it was temporary : but i dont care if it was. i feel like i have a new hope to make myself happier. but it hasnt been easy - especially with my new cutting addiction. i just hope it goes well. anyway, any advice for staying positive and happy as much as possible? i really need it, thanks",moderate
dev_pid_287,"I feel like I’m consistently losing in life : 24 m about to be 25 senior in college , trying my best to get a software engineer role so I study a lot  been to interviews after interviews. Last interview was yesterday and I thought I did really well with how I worked on the coding challenge with the recruiter, come to find out this morning I was rejected. 
I live at home with my parents until I graduate and get a stable job. I my grade have been slipping for about 4 semesters now to the point where my gpa is a 2.0. I recently left my minimum wage job because the place was pretty volatile. I don’t have a drivers license because school eats up my time and I don’t have a car to practice with most of the time. I’m a virgin who uses dating apps to try to date girls since my area isn’t a city of college kids my age or anyone inherently my age. I always see People my age are already in a relationship or have something going for them in life. Try when it comes to dating but what I found in dating apps are a bad idea for me since the people aren’t invested no matter how long you make a connection or invite them out to eat. Generally I feel like women will ignore or devalue me. Also People who don’t know me always assume I’m proper with their life together. 
I try to fight this by working out but some days the sadness is too much to the point where I procrastinate.
Although I’m a senior in college I have never had any lasting connections with other students like it’s an acquaintance feeling who’s about to graduate I feel like I’ve been restricted my whole life. 
I’m just lonely who has nothing and even if I try to have something it consistently doesn’t work out. I try, try and try and even learn from my mistakes but I can’t seem to have anything. 
Mainly I have no one to talk to about my problems. I now realize I have all this in my life and I want to cry silently alone, I don’t want to admit it but I hate my life and I want to end this string of yearly disappointment.",moderate
dev_pid_288,"I dont know if Im depressed or not : So its been 7 months now, Im still really confused, I have symptoms indicating that I am depressed, and these symptoms are what makes me feel sad because I pretty much feel handicapped every day as Im struggling to get through every single day with these symptoms. I have huge issues concentrating, even if I am not thinking about anything. Im constantly exhausted, can barely even sit up straight because I feel extremely weak in my back and I get tired super fast. My mood is probably a bit different than before these 7 months, Id say I dont struggle feeling happiness but most of the time Im sad and irritated because I cant find joy in doing anything while Im in this state, not being able to concentrate makes everything super hard, does anyone have similair issues to this?",moderate
dev_pid_289,How can I suicide ??? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_290,Depression and reduced conversation... : Has anyone found that depression reduces your conversation skills? Does it get better? It’s like I went from a completely extrovert to a quiet introvert...,moderate
dev_pid_291,"has anyone tried online therapy (video call specifically)? : my therapist suggested it, cause I live an hour away, but I really struggle with eye contact and I feel like it’d be even weirder if we were each looking at a screen. usually I just stare at my shoes for the whole hour our session lasts lol. I have other concerns as well obviously, but this is somehow my biggest one.",moderate
dev_pid_292,"emptiness : this is something i’ve been struggling a lot with lately. i’ve been doing a bit better this year, my low mood hasn’t kept me in bed as much as it used to. but lately i’ve really just been struggling to feel anything at all. i’ll have such lovely days, spending time with good people and working my way towards healthy coping mechanisms and talking, but then it’s like a switch will flick within me and i’ll struggle to feel anything except for the overwhelming urge to cry, and yet be able to do that at all.
i haven’t felt this... hopeless in a while, and all the good times that i am having seem pointless. i’m either anxious as hell, hyperactive, or feeling like this, and honestly i’d give anything to just feel something remotely alive.
i’m sorry for this, please remember to take care of yourself friends, there are brighter times ahead.",moderate
dev_pid_293,How sad is this : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_294,"Overthinking : How to stop thinking about my past mistakes what everyone has forgiven about and forgotten but not me. I cry multiple times per day just because i think about them and can’t believe i am like that. I am very insecure tho, I dislike my body and looks and even my personality because i complain a lot and so on. I sometimes get a feeling that everybody just uses me for their own well being and don’t give a single fuck about mine. I just want to live like a normal person and not cry many times per day and just move on with my life but just it seems so hopeless right now.",moderate
dev_pid_295,"Is it too late for me to live the life I want? : So I feel like I've fucked up. Like really fucked up. The kind of fucked up you can't recover from. I don't know maybe I still can, but It's hard for me to stay optimistic or positive about my life anymore. It's almost like I've made every wrong choice in my life and now I'm paying for the consequences of my actions. I deserve to feel this way honestly. I have done nothing to better my life when I still had potential. I had potential to be someone. To do something meaningful with my life. I had potential to love myself at one point, but now I feel like I'm too far gone to even consider that anymore. I had potential to find love at some point in my life, but now it seems unrealistic. I had potential to do well academically and pursue higher education and do something I love. I had potential to be happy.
Instead I chose the easy path.
I chose to indulge. To live in the moment rather than building towards a future where I am happy. To do nothing at all except play video games all day. To isolate myself from everyone. To not develop myself as a person. To not even try anything that wasn't already known and comfortable to me. To chase instant gratification and not develop discipline. I chose to be this way and now I'm fucked.
It feels like I've come to this realization too late and it feels like it actually is too late. Too late for me to become who I could have been. Too late for me to turn it around completely 180°. Too late for me to do the things I should have been doing years ago. Too late to ever truly be happy with my life.
I'm 19 years old and I have done literally nothing with my life. Literally nothing. 
There are fucking 12 year olds hell even 8 year olds who have done more with their lives than I have. I'm a fucking loser. I'm worthless. Why I think I'm fucked:
I'm painfully insecure. Taking any compliment I ever get and skewing it into it somehow being manipulative or a compliment out of pity or something. 
Never developed good social skills (I'm painfully awkward around new people. Don't get me started on being around people of the opposite sex.)
I dropped out of high school. (To play video games and smoke weed)
I've never had a job. (I don't even know how/where to start. Even if I did get one I know I would still feel the same as I do now.)
I've never been in a relationship. (No social skills or dating skills. Anxiety. I'm fucking oblivious to how people operate, think, act, etc.)
I've never had any real friends. (Social skills, anxiety, fear, insecurity and painful past experiences.)
I don't know if it's even possible for me to recover and do the things I want/should do.
I want to go back to school, maybe even further education. I want to learn social skills and be somebody people enjoy to be around. 
I want to learn how relationships work and be in one. I want to find somebody. To find love. I don't know even know how to love and receive love though. I hate myself and I don't know if that will ever change. I just hate who I have become and wish I could change and be who I dream of being.
Even if I did somehow manage to fix any or all of this, I would probably find something else to be depressed over. Like how it took me until 19 to snap out of whatever the fuck I've been in. To realize I'm wasting my life sitting inside playing video games and smoking weed all day still living with my mother. 
I would be depressed over how much time I've wasted not actually developing myself.
I feel like I'd be playing catch up the rest of my life with things that people were doing when they were in their early teens. I'd be filled with so much regret.
I don't even know who I am.
I don't know what I like or dislike.
I don't know my values.
I don't know what I want from life.
I have no opinions of my own.
I have no character.
I have no skills.
I have no hobbies.
I don't know how to love or be loved.
I have no redeeming qualities.
I'm a sheep. I'm not my own person.
Who the fuck am I and what am I doing?
I need help.",moderate
dev_pid_296,"Husband worries about me because of my depression and it makes me feel guilty : I have major depression for most of my life (21 years) on and off. 
Recently because of circumstances in my life on top of also being pregnant, I have been severely depressed. My husband can’t stand to see me cry. He says he stays up worrying about me and he does everything he can do to make me happy. 
It makes me feel even worse because I feel guilty for making him worry. I don’t want to make him feel bad and it puts a lot of pressure on me to try to be happy",moderate
dev_pid_297,"I hate myself so much right now : I was excited waiting for my amazon delivery when i my mic didn't fit into the mic holder i ordered. I started to blame myself for everything i did wrong. Why didn't i just order the mic set with interface and headphones for 100€? Why did i have to buy this mic with an interface so that it is too heavy for a normal arm for 130€ plus 50€ for an arm that can hold that fucking mistake plus 50€ for headphones? But no I can't bring the mic and headphones back. And I don't have the energy to sell it on eBay. Why did i buy a cam 300€ plus external monitor for 150€ when i could have bought a camera with a rotatable display for 400€? Why am i always so stupid?
The fact is that I hate myself and I'm crying.",moderate
dev_pid_298,"An interesting 2020 : I'm a college student staying in the dorms of a university in the states, in a state where Corona is spreading. My gf of 2 years is abroad and cheated on me. Relationship was golden before hand and this broke me. Still wanna work things out if/when she can get back. I'm also waiting to hear from the university on wether or not we're being kicked out of dorms like others(harvard). I got no where else to go and although flights are cheap rn still a broke human so can't go home and don't wanna risk spreading to fam if I am unknowingly incubating. I really see no reason to keep going anymore as everything comes crashing in. Can anyone offer support",moderate
dev_pid_299,"Morning negotiation : I know I'm not alone, I was just wondering how common my experience is.
I set an alarm and then ignore it/snooze it/reset it until I'm going to be late for work. Part of this is wrapped up in not caring about my job and marginal work ethic, I think. But as long as I can remember this has been an issue. I'll tell myself I'll get ready faster or I won't shower or I'll shower after work and on and on, but I know the excuses aren't real. I am delaying. I will be late for work. Usually I am able to make myself get out of bed right about when I'm supposed to be AT work and then everything is a mad rush. I got into a car accident because of this once.
The worst version of this felt like some kind of self-preservation, I was at an awful job and one of the big red flags was when I had a panic attack and could not force myself to get out of bed to go to work. 
This is certainly responsible for absenteeism and me being late a lot. I think feeling like the job doesn't matter is part of it. Probably feeling like I don't matter is part of it, too. I'm in Seattle so this week it's probably some low-key self preservation as well, but that's unrelated to this having been a challenge my whole life.
More alarms, louder alarms, etc, do not help. Getting everything ready the night before is smart, but also allows me to press my luck even more.
I don't imagine there are a number of tips and tricks for dealing with this, mostly I was just looking to see how common this is.",moderate
dev_pid_300,"It's so hard to keep pretending I want to live. : It's not abnormal to consider suicide I've realized. If you develop a level of awareness about reality that admits the truth then it's easy to see that life is full of pain and suffering that ultimately ends in our destruction anyways. There is no hope for human beings unless we want to enslave ourselves to technology in the future. And even then the universe will ultimately end. 
We can say we want to make things better for future generations, but future generations dont care about such things. You are born into the time period you are born into, and that's what will feel normal to you. Hundreds of years ago it was normal for women to be subservient to men, for people to own slaves, for people do constantly die of disease, sure people wanted things to get better. But now people feel the same - they want things to get better, even though we have eliminated most of these problems quite succesfully. 
There is no thanks to be had once your generation is dead and half of that future generation will probably look down upon you anyways. 
When it comes to existence. Like current, in the moment reality, I personally do not fit into it. I can adopt a persona like anyone else or I can be myself but I end up never feeling any connection with anyone. 
 Everyone I meet is a fucking dick, and maybe that's just my problem but damn am I tired of dealing with people. I dont really care about anyone even though I'm nice to all of them. Theres nothing that will let me truly feel for anyone but myself. And at the same time, I hate myself. I hate that I'm not smart enough to effortlessly get through life, I hate that I cant work hard all the time because of mental illness that makes it hard to focus. I do get things done but I'm in a dead end job and going to school to be a teacher. I wont amount to much, I'll just be some guy who kids bitch to their parents about every night because of the unfairness of what I assign, which is ironic because I'm just bitching about the unfairness of life. 
I'm sorry to be all over the place, but what is the point in all of this? I feel like shit all the time. I never have time for hobbies and when I do, I don't even enjoy them anymore. Because I know I'm not going to make anything of myself with my guitar playing or my hiking. And then you see all these fucking influences shaming people for wasting time and not making money. I feel like a worthless failure all the time because I'm making minimum wage and barely making it through my homework assignments. 
I don't play video games, I dont watch ANY tv, I literally spend 6 hours on homework just trying, TRYING to concentrate to write a measly 5 page essay. Racking my mind for ideas and having multiple anxiety attacks, then I go to work where even though I get the most hours and am obviously needed, get criticized, never get complimented, and ignored because I dont fit in. People say I'm unpredictable, probably because I switch between persona and my true self. But they dont seem to understand either. 
People also tell me that I ""get"" them. That I'm good at understanding their perspectives and have good input. But that's about it. Why tf cant people get me? Everyone misreads my intentions and hypothesizes incorrectly why I do everything. 
When I try to tell them I'm depressed they just say join the club. When I try and tell them about the actual shit im going through (multiple family members dead and dying, living in a dilapidated shack, working and studying, staying sober after battles with addiction) they don't ever offer anything they just get uncomfortable. Why cant people fucking give a fuck about me? Why is it so hard to show me some fucking kindness? 
And god when I think about my own future.... it's just going to be this every day. Almost losing my mind from the stress, never accomplishing anything or feeling accomplished. Staying alone because I cant be intimate. Becoming numb to everything for extended periods of time. 
Why should I keep going? If I get a therapist they will just mold me into what society wants me to be. Fuck society, I dont want to be them, lying to myself to save my happiness. But yeah that's the MO for this twisted reality. And when people like me kill myself, everyone will just move on with their lives and put it out of their mind.",moderate
dev_pid_301,"emotional blowout ? - turned into vent :/ : is emotional blowout a thing for other people diagnosed w depression ? i have a friend and i don’t want to get all the way into it bc it’s over now and there’s not much reason to go re start an argument, but she was telling me stuff about a person, very upset and i was letting her vent. and a day later she tells me that she doesn’t think i’m very nice to this person and thinks i should learn to mind my business. and i honestly didn’t say anything to this person. other than i didn’t want to have a friendship w them when they asked. as of right now it feels like i’m. exhausted emotionally . i can’t go back and forth w feelings and pretend i want to be around this person isn’t fun. and the fact that i know she is going to stop being my friend for this guy sucks and i’m worried i’m going to push her too far. but for the sake of my own mental health idk if i should continue to speak to her if she’s going to expect me to follow her lead w the indecisiveness which i cannot do. 
sorry for rant :(",moderate
dev_pid_302,"I just think I don't care : You know, I don't care. I'm going to do whatever even if it means doing something really stupid. I'm tired of feeling the way I feel,  finally I want to be free and have fun or else I'm not going to live much longer. I hate myself so much I need to get out of my head.",moderate
dev_pid_303,"I just realized that if I would've ended everything awhile back, I wouldn't have experienced all the great things in my life now : **As someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression, I have also struggled with passive suicidal thoughts. Thankfully, I have an amazing therapist and I'm in the process for finding a good doctor. Anyways, these past two years I have done many things that were on my bucket list. I traveled to study; I went to a sports game and met my favorite player; along with other things.** 
My point is, there have been various points while struggling with my depression where I have been passive suicidal. If I would have gone through any of that, I would never have lived through the things I mentioned above. Those were moments I never thought I would experience. Things do get better. Try to find help if you are struggling... much love.",moderate
dev_pid_304,"This virus is making everything worse. : I didn’t think it was possible, but the Coronavirus is making me feel even more hopeless. There’s something in the air or something. Everyone I talk to is suddenly really irritable and overwhelmed by everything that’s happening. Knowing this virus is around is harrowing, and it just fueling my depression even more. Does anyone else feel the same way?",moderate
dev_pid_305,"Is it normal to have days that are bad after you've overcome depression? : Occasionally, about once in a few months I'll get really depressed, unable to sleep, overthinking and negative thoughts out of no where. I'll tend to think things that are likely not going to happen but I'm just imagining them, crying non stop and mentally hurting myself. Refusing or treating others coldly. I don't wanna ruin any more of my relationships (friends, partners & family).
Is that normal? I've been on antidepressants for almost 1.5years now and I've had my fair share of good days now. I'm functioning again but these bad days out of no where is making me worried if I'll fall back into the deep dark hole. 
How do you guys deal with these bad days?",moderate
dev_pid_306,Why is suicide such an emotionally attractive idea? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_307,"I should just 'try harder' : That's a huge hit I just took. Words like that always bothered me, but this time was worse than I ever experienced. See, someone very close to me is battling addiction after having an OD, and some days prior to that one of my mom's friend was shot and I was the one to call for rescue (wasn't there when it happened, went because of the noise). Besides that, I've been on treatment for over 4 years, some weeks back I started having suicidal urges again, it got slightly better last week, I've recently tried practicing some martial arts, but today I was feeling specially down and wanted to be absolutely alone, and when telling this to my mother she just said I should 'try harder', to get out of the house, meet some friends, when to me it feels like I've been trying very hard already, for longer than I'd like. That just shattered me and I needed to vent, as I'm having very insistent thoughts on getting some old phone cables under my bed and just hanging myself with them. Pretty sure I won't do that, but the thoughts are quite painful",moderate
dev_pid_308,"Emptiness : I have nothing to live for, no one to love, always been alone and always will be...why do I have to be so quiet. The good thing is I won't be missed by anyone because I've always been alone",moderate
dev_pid_309,God shouldn’t expect me to try harder when he tells me to kill myself. : He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. An all powerful God getting mad when a lowly human doesn’t kill himself. Pathetic.,moderate
dev_pid_310,I'm just gonna fucking end it : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_311,"People keep telling me I have depression but I don't meet the symptoms? : Apparently I sound depressed judging by descriptions of my mood and self-image, perception of the future etc. but I have no physical symptoms of depression. My appetite hasn't changed (actually, I've gained weight because I enjoy food a bit too much...) I sleep incredibly well, I don't have fatigue (though I am lazy but I think that's more to do with myself). I've also heard different types of aches and pains are a symptom of depression but I have none.",moderate
dev_pid_312,Today’s my 20th birthday & I’ve never felt so lonely : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_313,"It wasn't that bad today. : I got out of bed late ( which is nice cuz we have a storm here), hugged my mom, went out, came back home, locked my room and played some online games with my brother, I spent some money and bought some decent stuff, nothing fancy tho.
My depression/ anxiety did hit me today, i called a colleague and he kind of comforted me.
Next week is a critical week for me, i hope i can handle it.
My mental health is affecting me physically, and I have gained some weight, I hope next week I stop worrying/ crying inside most of the time and start taking control of my life. 
I need a shave, but I will wait and see how that goes for now.
I still crave chatting with people since I try not to be a burden to my brother, he doesn't deserve this. If anyone knows somewhere I can chat with some people, that'd be nice :) 
Thanks for reading my post, please stay strong.",moderate
dev_pid_314,"Balancing work and my depression : I am technically an independent contractor but have a boss over me. I reach out to her when I have issues with clients and I am unsure how to navigate them. I am currently in one of the worst depressive states I’ve experienced in years; which is really inconvenient considering work has picked up. I go from crying in the bathroom before work about how I would rather just be *gone* from life (not necessarily dead) and then an hour later trying to smile and be professional when I see clients. I have a difficult time communicating with my clients and whenever I deal with ones who are upset at the work I have done for them, it crushes me deeper. Cuts deeper into how I feel worthless, faulty, not talented, pointless being... etc. I might be paranoid, but it feels like my boss is annoyed at me how I ask her a lot of questions due to me overthinking things or feeling like people are mad at me when maybe they’re not. Should I tell her that I deal with depression and also anxiety and this is a tough time for me, or should I just continue on and ask the questions I feel?",moderate
dev_pid_315,"Why do I not want to talk to my friends anymore and get easily irritated over everything and anyone? : I feel like I’m slowly starting to lose it and my depression is going to start getting to a point where I can’t handle anything anymore, I’ve been fighting for so long and I haven’t been able to talk to anyone or legitimately resolve any of my problems. I’ve burnt so many bridges with so many people, I get mad and annoyed over everything, to the point where even in school today I literally crumpled up a piece of paper over the teacher telling me I got a wrong answer. I’ve been distanced from my friends too and I’ve given extremely shallow replies and I have barely been in their lives now. I don’t know what is happening to me and I don’t like it. Depression is overtaking me.",moderate
dev_pid_316,School got shot down : [deleted],moderate
dev_pid_317,"Unconscious discrimination is evident and it’s ruining me. : I feel as if discriminated against because of my appearance
tl:dr- Because I am short and not attractive, I feel people don’t treat me the same as others unconsciously.
I’m a stereotypical nerd. Always does well in school and participates in clubs and all that. What makes me different is that i’m a high schooler is who is exactly 5 feet tall. I don’t know about the median height where you live but where i live i’m about the bottom 2% for my age. 
I always had a lot of people i could consider friends but it’s not the same as having authentic friends. All the friends I had in middle school became the popular group in high school, and I’m still friends with them today. See, i’ve known them for 4 years and I’ve only ever hung out with them once. I feel as if they don’t include me but i don’t know if that is true. 
Also, I just don’t look good. I’m not attractive in any way, even though i am short i’m somewhat fat as well. I’ve liked a few people through my high school years, but never have they liked me back. My repulsive face and body, my height, and that fact that no one has ever liked me before just chisels down my confidence.
My friends on the other hand just do so much better than me. They have all had girlfriends and they all have hung out with each other multiple times. I enjoy being with my friends in school and I believe they enjoy my presence too. I just feel like the only reason I can’t get a partner is due to my height and appearance. 
I don’t believe my friends do this intensionally, but i feel segregated every time i talk to them or i’m with them. I remember reading this scientific article about a persons appearance singlehandedly being able to control how many words a person wanted to communicate with them by 66%. Maybe this is what is happening to me. I’m being unconsciously segregated from everyone I talk to because I look repulsive.
I try to dress well, smell nice, and be a nice person who would listen to you and not talk about you behind your back. I just wish I could be included in the grand puzzle of life. What did I do to deserve this?
edit: spelling and overall stupidity",moderate
dev_pid_318,Success stories? : Does anyone out there have a success story to share? I am feeling hopeless and any sort of hope would help at this point. I’ve been at rock bottom mentally emotionally and professionally for a few years now and am fully exhausted. I’m at that point where I’ve been holding my breath underwater for so long I’m about to drown. I can’t last much longer. What has worked for you to get out of a rut? Thanks in advance,moderate
dev_pid_319,I'm so easily replaceable (A rant because I'm lonely) : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_320,"Struggling with self harm, anxiety and just got bad test results and feels like everything is falling apart. : Well I am 17f and I have been self harming since eighth grade. My life is falling apart I am scared.
It all started when girls in my class started to see me differently and treat me differently and when everyone out me down for bad grades and for being wierd. I literally took a compass and was so depressed.. I asked the girl sitting next to me to poke me so I can die. And well the situation got out of hand and she reported me to teachers. They slapped me and I got sent to the school counselor... Who told me I lost my ""chirpiness"" or whatever.. and told me that the old me is not there anymore and that I can improve and shit and I should study harder.
I beat myself up or I bang my head in the wall when situations go out of control cuz I have seen my narcissistic dad do it to make us feel guilty and my mom beats her chest. Well then on stuff happened a lot... Failed and mom went into severe depression and was diagnosed with bipolar and often went manic and stuff. It was hard .. made few friends and lost many and in the end everything sucked. Everyone is fake. Now I'm in my last year of high school ... The self harm stuck and I did sometimes.. I used to lie about my scars now I hide them.. since I get called scolded or called a coward. All my friends this year too turned out to be fake.. think I do what I do for attention... And idk distance themselves from me whenever I am too depressed and come back when I am in the right mood.. their parents think I am bad influence because I am idk... Different and stuff... And all that..I don't know honestly..
And yes all my crushes distanced themselves and ghosted or whatever because I'm too ugly or whatever and nobody believed that they also liked me.. everyone called me desperate.
Mom is better but dad's narcissistic behavior is worse and also he is  micro cheating on mom .. well glad that she doesn't care. I get called out for being too depressed .. when I am in the best mood and when I am happy people think it's good enough for them to use me for entertainment and leave.. another dude came in my life last year and well he was more than a friend and he left. and called me clingy and all that... In the end everyone saw me as this desperate girl and no one believed that he liked me and told things too . He acted like all that never happened and it made me question my sanity. And exams .. every one is outperforming and I tried but ADHD made it hard but I tried but all these people expect the shit outta me. My dad beat me black and blue recently and that scarred me more. Relatives call to ask how my exams went and shit and mom tells everyone everything it sucks and idk I hate my life and I am scared if I can't pursue what I want. I just got results for an entrance exam and I passed but badly.. so I thought I did exams well..and the results again made me question my sanity. all these relatives who acted so interested suddenly backed off and are acting cool.ugh.  and well I cut myself again.. after 2 days.. idk it sucks and everything feels wrong. 
Fake friends everywhere.. they all are acting all lovey doveey with each other but me. Not that I don't like it .. just that I never had any bad feelings or anything against them but now.. idk I feel like a shallow shell . A ghost. My mom thinks I deserve to suffer because I use the phone .. honestly I am just reaching out to help..
She told I deserve to suffer and that she is gonna tell to relatives.. no one is there... I am scared.. my narcissistic dad doesn't know the results.. he will soon. And well the wounds of heart break is still fresh and my final exams of  senior highschool is going on. .. and I did ok but not enough according to their standards and I am scared for the result.
Even now I feel like a attention seeking fool.. I should be studying ugh.. and idk ... I am scared 
I am scared of dad. Scared that mom will get depression again because of me.
Scared that I will be lost.",moderate
dev_pid_321,"It isn’t about whether people care : I always get “people care about you” or “you will be missed” or whatever when I talk about wanting to die and/or kill myself.
It bothers me because these responses focus on what other people have the *potential* to feel instead of what’s actually happening, and that is that I’m really suffering. I’m dealing with both mental + physical health problems w/ no effective treatment and an upbringing/mindset that prevents me from being able to function as I’m expected to in society. I’m also constantly struggling to accept that the world is “fallen”, i.e. there is a bad side to EVERYTHING. 
I know some people justify wanting to die b/c they don’t believe the whole “people care” but I hate being lumped into that. I just want peace and relief and not to have to continuing living in pain just b/c  it makes other people feel good.",moderate
dev_pid_322,Self-isolation is gonna suck. : My school is closed. I no longer have fun doing things I used to like. Animal Crossing comes out next week which is my only hope for anything new or exciting. School was the only thing that gave me purpose. My small group of friends were fun to be with even if they made me feel like shit sometimes and I played DnD with some people but that's over now. I don't know how I'm gonna get through these next few weeks. I'm scared for my already shitty mental health. Anyone else feel the same?,moderate
dev_pid_323,"I’m only alive because I’m afraid to take my life : I’ve come close to committing, but in the end the fear of going through with it wins out. I reason that eventually the depression will outweigh the fear, but until then I’m just too much of a coward to do it. It’s strange; I’m not afraid of dying, but of taking my life. 
I don’t have anything to live for. No pets, no children, no friends or family (people tend to forget about me unless they need something), nothing. I just wish I could be free of this. I’m so tired.",moderate
dev_pid_324,"Nothing is fun anymore : I feel so shitty now.
Video games, music and movies are now just boring sedatives.  I feel so lonely and bad. I can't go on social media, because I'll just feel worse. If things don't get better I might end it. If this is what life is. A boring grey routine of working, followed by sedation, followed by sleep. dating doesn't isn't fun either. I feel nothing except this cold, sad numb feeling",moderate
dev_pid_325,"After months of wanting to die and having nothing to look forward to, I finally met someone who made me happy and who gave me something to look forward to daily, only to be ghosted. : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_326,"This is for every living surviving warrior. : Hello my fellow living warriors , this post is for anyone who´s feeling somewhat misplaced , mistreated in life and is suffering from emotional and mental self-torture. The world is big and vast and for that there are some topics that not everyone is aware. This won´t solve your problems but can make somethings clear. 
You , like anyone else, were brought into this world and you embodied specific body characteristics , home environment , family , local community , physical and mental skills that you did not choose. This makes it look that our lives are not so free as we think. Everyone has a journey, a wound and a purpose in life. Anything that is alive , even if it is for one second , will impact in the universe in some way.
Why would someone be born into this world and repeat the **same type of  stressful situations over and over** ? Well, like i said, everyone has a **journey** and a **wound** and a **purpose**, we need obstacles and adversities to progress towards our purpose.
What is the point of being born in your best self? What is there to achieve if i already know what i need to know? Exactly! **You are born to face certain obstacles that will make you learn  certain lessons in life so that you can progress**. You need to let go of the pain and go against the other direction, the right one. I do not mean resistance, but acceptance.
Life gives us the exact tools for us to achieve our unique purpose ,it presents us with our skills , when the time is right it shows us the right people and situations to progress, otherwise you will be stuck in a never ending loop.  
In the end, after every chapter in your life , you will dispose what you don´t need anymore for your progress.
Every living thing ,dies every day, we die every day, we dispose of the yesterday and embrace the tomorow, while living and experience the today. **It´s when you hold the yesterday that pains and stagnates people.**  
We can conclude from this that **we grow from hardship and not from stagnation.**
About other people, when you see someone that has a certain opinion , acts a certain way  that goes against your way of being , ask yourself what did this person had to go through to end up like this? You need to accept that people are the way they are, but this does not mean that they have the right to do what they want. Know and love who people are , but if needed put them in their place or stop them. Don´t ruin yourself for others, just accept them.
About depression, let´s be honest, it´s ugly and highly unappealing, but there are times that you need to be thrown to the floor so that you can get back up.We are attracted to smiles , confidence, people who take care of themselves and we reject the opposite , this is mostly unconscious ,but it is in our biology.  
The way you view life will attract like minded people and situations, like i meant earlier, **chaos attracts chaos , self-love and acceptance attract self-love and acceptance.**
There are certain things that makes men and women more attractive , like having a good/straight posture and not being curved, shoulders down or keeping good amount of eye contact when talking to someone instead of not looking at all. Fight for yourself, get a house if you can, get a job, it doesn't matter, just fight.  
Don´t be sloppy , don´t let go of yourself because you are feeling down. Try and be the best version you can be.  There aren´t any heroes , princes , or princesses that will come to aid you , You are your own savior.
Knowing all this , specially the part about life and death , you can develop something inside of you that will protect and shield you from these bad moments and that is called **Faith**.  
No i do not mean religion , i mean faith. Faith is when you understand that the obstacles you are given in life are for you to learn and move forward. When you feel that tomorrow will be better than today because your learned and let go of something you did not need anymore.  
Faith makes you open your arms to life and whatever it throws you.
Life will open the right doors at the right time for you to fulfill your purpose, believe me, but mostly **believe in yourself**.  
Thank you",moderate
dev_pid_327,"NA Discrimination : A while ago I met an online friend from the UK (I'm from USA) on League of Legends.  I was playing a game of league with him and his 3 friends.  When we started losing, they started going off on me (including my friend)  ""I thought you were a fatass American, you should be good at this game"" they kept calling me lazy, stupid, fat, cuck, spineless, unimpressive, ugly all these offensive stereotypes I guess of Americans.
I'd hate to sound entitled because I feel grateful to live in a first world country.  Sometimes I feel I'm treated unfairly because I'm from NA.  This is far from the first instance of this happening.
I mention it on this subreddit because I'm severely depressed with confidence issues and events like this fuel my self hate.  Like I've contemplated suicide a lot the past few days.  I can't where I was born and it's the uncontrollable factors in my life that burn me alive.",moderate
dev_pid_328,"I should have stayed single. : Not for my sake, but for his. He'd be better off without me around.
My personality is horrible. I have a bad habit of projection, anger, depression and I often say bad things to hide what I really want to say.",moderate
dev_pid_329,"Men of reddit, how do you cope with depression and move on after a breakup that is already months old? : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_330,"So I've had a shit day. One of my pets died. I've been bullied, mocked and just taken the piss out of. I dumped a girl and then she started defending herself so I started dating her on really thin ice. Then she dumps me but I can tell she only broke up with me because I was gonna break up with her. : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_331,Can depression come from having strict parents : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_332,"I've managed to isolate myself from everyone : I'm having one of my worst spirals yet and i've managed to isolate myself from everyone because i tell myself i'm a Burden to their lives or that if they cared they would find a way to reach out to me. And now i'm completely alone out in fkn nowhere, and i cant get myself to text anyone for help. I feel so lost",moderate
dev_pid_333,"Because of Coronavirus, I have nothing to look forward to. : My life at the moment is shit. My trip to Greece with school has been cancelled, other plans have been cancelled, and I can't be bothered to do work because I'm almost sure that in a few weeks the schools will close already, because they haven't already. I'm sick myself, but idk what it is. I can't get tested because it's mild. 
And to top it all off, my depression has hit me like a train. It's back. I feel hopeless and just wish it could all stop. This was meant to be one of the best years of my life. 
Year 13, going to Greece, starting uni. Now nothing. I reckon uni be postponed if my exams are. At least I can look forward to my A-Levels!! *note sarcasm*",moderate
dev_pid_334,I’m scared to open up but hate myself for not : I feel like I shouldn’t open up because I’ll bother people but at the same time I really want to. The thing is Iv only really trusted one person to be fully honest and open to them. I’m so comfortable with them that I’d be comfortable to cry in front of them I tell them my life plans. But now they are gone not In that way they just have stopped talking to me and it hurts it’s Just exhausting to me .,moderate
dev_pid_335,"If nobody likes you, what the fuck do you even do? : Everybody I meet thinks I’m creepy and visibly are uncomfortable the second they see me. It’s upsetting as hell but that’s just the reality that I have to live with. It’s nothing that I do, it’s just what I’ve become due to depression and I can’t help that. So it just leaves me... here. I can’t just keep being alone. I go to events but it’s always the same. People just don’t like me. It’s not just me saying that, it’s 100% true. I just can’t keep fighting this. It’s exhausting. I just want to not be a freak anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_336,I want to open up but at the same time I don’t : I feel like I shouldn’t open up because I’ll bother people but at the same time I really want to. The thing is Iv only really trusted one person to be fully honest and open to them. I’m so comfortable with them that I’d be comfortable to cry in front of them I tell them my life plans. But now they are gone not In that way they just have stopped talking to me and it hurts it’s Just exhausting to me .,moderate
dev_pid_337,Me need help. Sorry me use translate google : Me stuck with bad roommate in dorm for me school in Canada. He force me have sex and hurt me lot. Me no allowed leave dorm because corona virus. Me want help. Me want to go back home,moderate
dev_pid_338,"I wanna end it all. : I’m honestly tired of living. My family hates me, my friends probably don’t give a damn about me anymore because they’re so sick of me. My family thinks I’m a disgrace to them just like what they said at the dinner table and my friends don’t even wanna talk to me anymore and they don’t even reach out to me. There’s no point in living anymore, I endure nothing but suffering and I don’t want to suffer anymore, I just want to live in peace.",moderate
dev_pid_339,"Why you may have an ""irrational"" fear of others, and a dejected artitude: A side effect of being hit as a child. : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_340,Does anyone ever truly overcome depression? Or is this a life long torment? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_341,"I have a suggestion for people feeling suicidal.... : In the month of May  in countries all around the world there are flowering trees blooming in varied colours. You need to push yourself to stay alive to see 3 flowering cycles for that particular tree. And in those three cycles if your life hasn't changed for better you then need medical help. With all the stuff happening, most humans are tending indoors, leads to irritation and increase of clutter in the brain. So have a time decided to yourself, makes you feel sane.",moderate
dev_pid_342,"Today is my birthday. : I’ve spent the majority hiding in my office crying on and off.  
I lost my sister to cancer in October, she was always sure to make sure I felt special on my birthday.   I knew today would be hard without her. 
My boyfriend and I broke up earlier this week, he’s dealing with some inner demons I just can’t fight for him.   
My dad called me this morning to tell me happy birthday and ended with “see!  Your sister didn’t even have to call and remind me this year!”   
I’ve been crying ever since.  
I also cancelled my plans that we had been making for months this weekend to go do something special with my now ex and his daughter.   
I just feel so incredibly sad and alone.",moderate
dev_pid_343,"I have a stressful month is ahead of me, and the corona virus took away the only thing I was looking forward to. : I've been depressed for about 8 years, and ever since going to my first therapist some years ago, I've taken on her advice to try to always have in mind at least one thing to look forward to; whether that be a vacation with a friend, a new album soon to be released, or even something as simple as seeing next weeks episode of a tv show that I enjoy. 
Throughout the last year, that list of things to look forward to has gotten shorter and shorter. At the beginning of this year I had two things on that list: a new album by my favourite band, and a concert I was going to with another band. The album was released in february, so the only thing that I have been looking forward to this month was a concert that was supposed to happen tonight. As it so happens, all concerts in my country has been cancelled due to the risk of spreading the corona virus. So now I'm sitting here, alone, and I no longer have that one thing I was holding on to. 
And the month ahead of me is going to be a real stressful one, with lots of big assignments and exams. The previous two weeks have also been stressful, as I've started working on some of the assignments and I've tried my best to keep up with everything going on at school. Now I lost that one thing I thought would give me at least a little drip of happiness, a little bit of joy to get through this all. 
I don't know. I'm just very sad, I mean, I'm more sad than usual. I'm not just empty, I'm actually feeling real sadness. I feel like I've lost something, as dramatic as that may sound - but that's what I feel. 
I don't know what the point if this post was. I think I just felt like I needed to share this with someone.",moderate
dev_pid_344,"I most horrifying thing I have ever done : WARNING! this text has elements of sexual assault, rape and inappropriate touching. viewer discretion advised.
I know ""why should we trust that a pedo is saying the truth"" you should trust that it's the truth  because the fact that I am wrighting this to people, if I didn't feel remorse I won't have wrighten this and wouldn't have tried to stop.
the biggest problem in my life by far started when I was 4 in preschool (10 years ago). Me and my best girl friend would go to a place where no one ever was and ""play"" ( the playing was taking cloth off not ever sex) together we did this almost every day, no one ever found out and i'm not even sure if the girl knows anymore. when we aged up this stopped. for many years after that no much happened that is related to this. when I was 12 I started sexually assaulting (and at the peek raping once) a small girl that comes to my house about a weekend every mounth this happened (is happening but not nearly as much) for about 2 years. ever since I started I have bin scared of it. i'm 14 now and luckily she haven't bin at my house for many mounths now. i'm so scared of the mental damage I have caused her for my own selfish gane and i'm scared of becoming the adult pedo in prison and for that horrifying part of me to get out again (I have it kinda under control right now) . my mind has bin destroyed from the oldest memory I have (the first part) I know it's only my fault that is why I started wishing for death when I was 7 or 8 and kept on doing that for then on.
hate me all you want I deserve it all for what I have done (there is still much more you don't know).",moderate
dev_pid_345,"I just don’t care, not even enough to get better. : Met with my therapist today, and we had a frank discussion, I haven’t been trying, for every solution I’m given I ultimately just don’t give it my all or convince myself that in the end nothing will change. My therapist was frank with me in order to get better I have to actually be committed.
I feel like ultimately I don’t want to get better, 
I feel like I’m just so apathetic towards everything that I don’t care what happens anymore, that I’m just floating aimlessly and that even though I can change things I don’t care to.
I’ll convince my self that nothing that I can do would ever change anything, and that giving up is just my only option. But the truth is I just don’t want to try, I don’t want to actually get better, I just want a cheap justification for it. 
I’m at right now is because of my own actions, my inactions, and ultimately not wanting to get better. 
Apathy is really all I’m used to and the truth is deep down I don’t want to change, all I’ve been doing is just giving cheap excuses as to why I’m justified in feeling this way. 
I don’t know how to care anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_346,My family needs help : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_347,"I don’t want to keep doing this : So much pain has to be endured to make it another day. I’m just losing the will to go on I guess. I’m too tired of dealing with society, work, and people. What’s even the point of existing if I don’t want to be here and I suffer so much just from being alive? I don’t know what to do. I wish I could disappear and I wish that death was painless and easy.",moderate
dev_pid_348,"I just want someone to actually care : I hate myself, I'm ugly and boring. I have no one and everyone hates me. I'm an asshole and a dick. The usual stuff. I should just post this on r/lonely or some shit. Can someone please tell me it's not too late for me? That there is someone out there that can actually tolerate my pitiful existence and actually stay? So I can wake up, turn on my phone and get a notification from that same person asking me how I am and how I'm doing? Is there a chance? Or am I just hopeless... 
I'm practically falling apart at this point. How the hell can people wake up and look in the mirror and say "" let's do this""? 
I'm fucked aren't I? It's already too late....isn't it?",moderate
dev_pid_349,"Who else has tried a methyl folate supplement to help with depression? : My doctor recently told me up to 70% of people experiencing long term depression have a genetic marker that means they are unable to efficiently metabolize folate. So today I tried taking a supplement. It seems to have lifted the fog a little but my anxiety has become kinda high. 
Anyone else tried this approach?How did it go?",moderate
dev_pid_350,"Covid -19 retriggered my depression : Basically, I was starting to find joy in life again with my new workout regiment and job. 2 hours a day , 5 days a week workout really got the endorphins going. Starting to see great results over the last month muscle wise with my creatine and protein supplements included 
Now this fucking virus is ruining everything. I work in healthcare so there's a greater risk of infection. There's always a lingering thought that the gym will get closed and send me spiraling worse.
I'm not worried about direct death from covid, no no. I'm healthy enough to recover. INDIRECT death is what scares me. Multiple reports of grocery stores cleaning out of supplies due to mass buying. Young people like me will DIE from starvation. I'm scared of my elderly mom catching it myself too,death sentence for her for sure if she does.
Maybe the masses will go crazy and burn down buildings as it gets worse?
Even if we survive, the economy is predicted to tank hard enough to trigger the next great depression era. 
Everything shutting down...had money set aside for Nintendo world for the opening this spring in Japan. Not anymore. 
Can't stop thinking about it. Every waking second. 
What's the point ...what's the fucking point. I feel like I'm gonna die alone too. 
FML.",moderate
dev_pid_351,"Really difficult to motivate myself to do work : It sucks because I don't want to throw away career prospects. But it's hard to motivate myself to do work because there's no reward at the end of a long day filled with work. Watching some movie or a TV show at the end of the day doesn't make me feel anything, I feel like I'm working hard with nothing to look forward to. And that makes it difficult to motivate myself to work.",moderate
dev_pid_352,I overreact too much : I overreact too much and now I’ve pushed everyone away and I can’t try to live my life the way I want to,moderate
dev_pid_353,"No one ever tries with me : I’m always putting in the effort to console and give advice to my friends whenever they’re having trouble or feeling depressed. But when I try to look for help they all just change the topic. I know the shit I say is hard to respond to but idk??? Like it just makes me feel more terrible. I’m so tired. I already hide my problems enough as it is so when I finally break and need help and they just ignore me, it’s just so fucking irritating. I know it’s not their fault. And I’m so angry and disappointed with myself that I’m getting pissed at my friends for not being able to help.",moderate
dev_pid_354,"Am I really depressed? : Hello. This will be my first ever post on reddit. Im here to seek comfort or probably just to rant. I’ve been having weird thoughts for awhile now. I keep hearing voices in my head. It keeps bugging me and I’ll get so angry. I’ll start thinking of all the things that upset me. I hate being at home. I was born in a broken family. My parents argue everyday. My father was abusive and I grew up watching my mother getting beaten up half to death and it is the same for us too. My dad only comes home once or twice a week now. Lately he has been more “religious” and has been making amends. My mother seems to forgive him so easily and continue on to be submissive. It irks me so much. She doesn’t work and wait for my dad to give her money monthly. He gives her a very small amount and idk why she’s even doing this to herself. Working as a cleaner would allow her to bring more money home than what my father would give her. I wish they would just get a divorce. I hate that they’re just staying together for the sake of it thinking that it’s for the best. Everytime I look at my mother, i get very angry and upset and wish she had the guts to take the leap and leave my stupid father and just have a life of her own with all of us. I am also still studying my Bachelors and it’s been so difficult for me. I don’t have the support of anybody to be giving me school money and I cant find the time to work part time as my assignments and exams pile up a lot in a short period of time. My boyfriend is the one that has been supporting me since day 1. Everyday i cant help but to feel like a burden. I have never borrowed money from anyone before and now, I cant even keep track on how much money my boyfriend has spend on me. He keeps saying that he doesn’t mind and that when i get a job things will get better. But i feel guilty and completely useless. Everything in my life is taking a toll on me lately and i keep having the urge to hurt myself. I would punch the wall when i am angry till my hands really hurt. and sometimes i feel like just inflicting pain to my body just so i could feel immense pain and stop the loud thoughts in my head. im getting scared and worried. i share this with my boyfriend often and he will always comfort me but i cant help to feel that he would be so much better without me.",moderate
dev_pid_355,"Pointless event : So yeah I’m 17M and its gonna sound stupid but there is this girl I’ve been talking to who I like and they just said they liked me but i ended up just leaving her on read. It’s just that they don’t know about my depression or self harm and It’s just I’m scared that if they found out they wouldn’t like the ‘real’ me so instead I’m just pushing them away, now I just feel guilty for leading them on as I believe deep down I knew that it’d never really work out. Now just because of my issues they’re gonna be upset which is just unfair on them. I know that I’m never gonna really be able to be in a relationship as I’m inevitably going to commit suicide but then as a result I just feel so alone. I just want it all to end but am struggling to get the courage to kill myself but this might have been the final straw. After being depressed for so long I thought that a relationship might be what fixes it all but if that clearly won’t work I don’t know what will.",moderate
dev_pid_356,"my mom and stepdad are right wing extremists : but i depend on them. i cant afford to be on my own and without my stepdad i would not have insurance to cover therapy and medication costs. i am grateful to them for that but their views fill me with so much anger. they aren’t simply just “conservative”, they are radical christians who believe the world is run by satanists and that donald trump is god’s chosen one or some shit like that. they are racist, homophobic, classist, everything. they are absolutely nuts. yet there is nothing i can say or do about it because you cant bite the hand that feeds you. i just dont know how to process it because its such a mindfuck being here and having to keep my mouth shut.",moderate
dev_pid_357,"Well time for some new scissors : I’ve been using the same scissors to cut for a while now. Unfortunately they have stopped working. I cant see anymore blood when I cut which is really frustrating. I’ve been doing everything I can, applying more pressure, sharpening it with different methods, I even tried to use a sharper pair of scissors but my arm just wont bleed. I think it’s time for some new scissors. Hopefully the new ones will make me bleed",moderate
dev_pid_358,i’m sorry : why do i feel like killing myself? why am i sad? this girl liked me which is crazy to me because i’m not attractive an she is cute but she’s 14 i’m 18 i guess that’s not right someone was like you’re gonna go to jail. i’m 4 years older is it really that bad? whatever it doesn’t matter i broke it off i tried to be as nice as i could. that was the only person to reach out to me. nobody ever likes me. i cry all the time because i’m so lonely. i just want someone in my life. i was really happy until someone told me how old she was. i want to die i will never get a girlfriend,moderate
dev_pid_359,"Maybe temp depression?? : I had a confrontation with a coworker last night and she demanded I tell her why I ""haven't been myself in months"" I told her everything while crying and I feel like shit about it. I didn't want people to know about my shortcomings, the stuff I worry about and how I care what people think. People have apparently noticed that I'm different and they are frustrated so there's a huge pressure to go back to being the old me, which I just don't have the energy for.",moderate
dev_pid_360,"Today I broke down at work... : This morning started off terrible with a leak of unknown origins in my car that seemed a lot like brake fluids with the information I had. Overall I have a good time at work since its really the only place I ever go that is ""social"". Today I got so overwhelmed with not only a clog of my own work but busy helping others because they were in the space I needed and the area itself was a complete trip/fall hazard. I spent 45 minutes helping another department while those in that department disappeared. I got so frustrated and upset I just started crying and once I cry there is no hiding it because my eyes turn super red like I'm stoned out of my mind. One of my supervisors came and checked up on me multiple times once he found out. And several coworkers gave me hugs and one even took over what I was doing so I could take a 45 minute break instead of the usual 10. I wanted to spend it alone in my car and when I walked outside I remembered I didn't even drive to work today so my car is at home so I sat in the basement instead of the break room. Back to my supervisor because this really made my day and it meant a lot to me: the last half hour in the shift he pulled my aside and wanted to makw sure nothing happened and that he didn't put too much pressure on me because of what was happening(he didn't) but the fact that he seemed to genuinely care about what happened and what he could do to make sure it didn't happen again meant a lot.",moderate
dev_pid_361,"I have no friends : I have pushed so many people away in my life that I’m still in contact with friends from high school, but nobody actually is close to me enough to actually spend time with me. It was the biggest mistake of my life because for the first time since I’ve been in school, I feel completely alone.",moderate
dev_pid_362,Unsure of where you end up : I honestly think I would have killed myself over a year ago if I had any clue of what life after death was like. There’s no point in being alive but what if death is even worse?,moderate
dev_pid_363,"Faking it : Whenever I feel even in a slightly good mood, I feel like i've been faking depression all this time. I feel scared to be happy because then i'm scared I've been faking this all.",moderate
dev_pid_364,"My parents never helped me with anything. : Grew up poor. Parents abuse me until my 20s. They never helped me grow up, never offered emotional support, never taught me anything, never help me in my life choices...then they wonder why I'm such a failure. I've literally never had anyone help me in my life. Most people who are successful have had at least some sort of guidance from their parents. Mine did literally nothing.",moderate
dev_pid_365,"I'm ready for a big change... : I am posting here to share some very difficult and personal feelings I have struggled with for almost 15 years. I am a Male (29) and have struggled with depression since I was about 14. Lately it has gotten worse and harder to control. I am ready to seek help and am looking for advice on where to start.
First off I'll say I'm an intensely private person so it's very much out of my comfort zone to be sharing these thoughts with complete strangers but I don't think I have much to lose at this point. So I'm just gonna be black and white about my main problems.
1. I hate my job. I am a machinist and know it's not really for me. I have ideas about new potential careers such as obtaining a CDL but I am so convinced that I'll fail at this or any other career for that matter. (That feeling of being a failure can be pretty much applied to anything I do.)
2. I recently ended a 7 year relationship that was incredibly toxic but I'm having a hard time adjusting. I know it's for the best, but I'm hung up on what happened and am struggling with coming to terms with having to let that person go for good.
3. I moved across the country about 1.5 years ago and while I love my new state a lot has happened and it's been extremely difficult adjusting at times. I also miss my friends and family from back east.
4. I feel numb most of the time. It is so hard to feel any real joy or happiness. I just feel hollow and life feels unfulfilling. I struggle with suicidal thoughts at times because I cannot imagine living like this for the rest of my life. I can't even bring myself to cry anymore. 
5. I have so many goals I want to meet but I don't have the strength or ambition to pursue them. This makes me feel useless and like a complete failure. 
6. I absolutely feed my own depression with bad habits but I can't seem to change them (at least not permanently). This makes me feel like I can't even change even though I desperately want to. 
7. I feel detached from most people and have very little faith in humanity in general. I don't care for the way the world is today at all.
I don't want to be this person. I know I'm wasting my life being stuck in this hopeless rut. I want help and I want to change. I know I have a lot of potential but I need motivation to reach said potential. I'm sick and tired of feeling like a shell of a human being. Please, if you can offer any advice I'd love to hear from you. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. This isn't living it's merely existing and I can't get through life like this.",moderate
dev_pid_366,"I live worst life ever possible. I need help : 20M, I'm living in Russia. i have only mother left. My grandmother is very sick and tied to a bed. my mom is taking care of her. Father is rarely in touch and living far away. i have an uncle beside them. My first girl, now EX gf of almost 3 years left me recently, and I'm serving probation for a stupid mail order of LSD in my 17s, which i wanted to try out of curiosity as a musician and reader. 
So i don't have anyone to help me besides my mom, and my life is fucked up because of a criminal record. My girl left me, and so did my friends. I will never be able to move out of my country, and i can't find a job, because of my record. 
I just stay at home now alone, because my mom supports me, and looking for a job. I just cry daily and can't stand myself anymore. I fucked my life early on, and i will never be able to do anything with it anymore.  Drug record messed relationships. I want to end it, but my mom that truly loves me, that's what stops me. I don't have any friends anymore, only 1 or 2 good friends from my childhood. I'm getting into alcohol to ease it a bit. I used to smoke weed, it helped immersively, but now i can't. 
I used to be the center of company and fine dude, and now I'm miserable, dying inside. I took a break from university, to find a job, but it's so hard. It's getting darker every day, and i see myself in the end.",moderate
dev_pid_367,"I don't have any friends except for my girlfriend : So i have a big problem with making friends, i'm not that type of guy to just start a conversation. I don't have anything to talk about, i'm not a very interesting person. I had a handfull of people that i called friends, they were always there for me when i needed it. At the begining of summer something happened and one of them came up to me and said that they all don't want to see, talk or hear about me ever again. That hurt alot, losing my only friends meant that i will be alone. I think it was at that point when my depression kicked in. I didn't want my mom to think that i'm a loser so i just went out saying that i was going out with friends when in reality i would just sit at the park for hours doing nothing. I still do it now. I don't know how but a few months ago i got a girlfriend, we spent time together alot and i started feeling better again, but now we see each other only 2 times a week and i feel that things are getting worse for me again. I know that i can overcome my depression by being around people that care for me. I feel like i need to find at least one friend that i could hang out with, but i don't know how. Can someone please tell me some tips on how to find friends? School isn't an option because most people at school hate me. My class mates aren't the best aswell...",moderate
dev_pid_368,I've been lonely for too long and it's made me weird. How can I come back from this? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_369,"I think I just need a break from life : I just want to run away and not have to worry about anything for a while. I don't want to stress about bills, go to work, worry about my family. I want to do something fun, I want to see something new, I want to relax on a beach. I feel like I just can't handle life",moderate
dev_pid_370,Do you ever feel like people spiritually kill you? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_371,"Tired : I dunno how much longer I can keep the good fight up. I’ve been ignoring these suicidal thoughts for a long time but it’s like they just get stronger every time I don’t think about them. 
Apparently the corona virus is in the next town over, maybe it will end up taking me out before I get a chance to.",moderate
dev_pid_372,"If life isn't worth living, why torture myself? : I don't feel very sad over what my suicide would be, mostly apathetic and relieved that I wont have to go through this eternal nonsense anymore. My therapist doesn't help much and I never get what I want out of life, so why live? Well, I'm not. I never have been alive. I was born here to die, time and again.
Might as well just finish the job.",moderate
dev_pid_373,I really want to just disappear. : I’m tired and done. I feel nothing but sadness and emptiness. I’m too afraid to go outside. I just want to sleep forever.,moderate
dev_pid_374,There is a weight on my chest that won't go away : I went to the gym which only temporarily helped. There isn't even anything especially upsetting going  on in my life right now! I know that it will go away momentarily but its so demotivating.  All I can do now is chill with my cats and listen to music until it leaves for a week and then returns inevitably.,moderate
dev_pid_375,"Why do I have to be such a pussy : Why can't I just be brave and kill myself. It's all I want to do. There's no way of fixing it and there's no way to improve myself. So why do I have to pussy out every night? Why can't I be a man for once in my life and go through with it
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.",moderate
dev_pid_376,"I'm honestly pissed, and it has come to a point that I just hate everyone. : I'm just fucking sick and tired, I'm done, I really am fucking done. Everyday is like a fucking mental war between life and death, I'm over here forcing myself to stay alive hoping that something good would happen, while the other side of me understands the truth and knows that my life is shit. I'm fucking done with everyone. I feel as if all of my ""friends"" just say that they're my friends just so they can use me for shit, I'm sick and tired of being constantly reminded every. Single. Damn. Day that no one loves me and that no one will love me, and that no one cares about me, and that I most likely have no friends, in all honesty I look like a freak if I should say the least. 
I'm fucking done, I'm really just about done. Fuck everyone, fuck my friends, fuck my family, fuck my school, fuck Corona Virus, fuck EVERYONE. There's like only a few people that I actually like. I'm sorry if this goes on forever and ever, but seriously, everyday when I feel like i have an actual friend, I'm always ditched and not cared about. I get it Universe, no one cares about me, and no one loves me. I'm starting to come to the point in losing my trust in everyone. I felt like I lost everything, I lost the love of my life, I lost all of my self respect and confidence, I lost my will to live, and I bet these friends of mine don't really care about me. I am seriously thinking about suicide everyday, but I can't!!! Cause I'm too much of a fucking wuss, so now I'm starting to get back into drinking booz and shit drowning all if my anger, sadness, and hate. 
Good day.",moderate
dev_pid_377,"I thought I had it under control. : Finally had a positive life and sustained it for a glorious 8 months (with plenty of depressive episodes) before it came back and now I'm so scared. Those 8 months were playing catchup on the last 10 years and now I feel I'll lose all of that miniscule progress.
Fucking hell",moderate
dev_pid_378,Me need help. : Me stuck with bad roommate in dorm for me school in Canada. He force me have sex and hurt me lot. Me no allowed leave dorm because corona virus. Me want help. Me want to go back home,moderate
dev_pid_379,I'd rather just crawl up and die : I'm either going to somehow become a successful hermit or commit suicide. At least I have a goal now.,moderate
dev_pid_380,"Life has gone to sh*t again : Trying to make this as short as possible, I am a failure, so don't expect me to successfully write a summary.
Male 17, from Central Europe. 
Last 4 years were basically hell on earth for me (new class, fewer and fewer friends, depression, anxiety, worse grades, pressure from parents increase in being bullied from teachers, students, old people, fkn everyone hated me, like I am some kind of postal dude). But this shit all doesn't matter and it would make this crappy text even longer so I don't put it in here.
Pulled 3 serious non-acting suicide attempts in november 2019, couldn't make it because I'm too fkn stupid to kill myself properly like an honorable person. After that being in shallow treatment, where the psychiatrist is a psychopath herself with no empathy whose thinking is all about cause and effect. Cancelled this crap after 3 sessions, she just made me feel uncomfortable and more depressed what irony. Parents were like ""OH HEY YOU'RE BACK? MY SON WE'RE SOOO SORRY *INSERT SHALLOW ACTED EMPATHY HERE* DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HURT US WITH THAT SUICIDE ATTEMPT?? BUT NOW THAT YOU HAVE TALKED TO THIS VERY GOOD PSYCHIATRIST, YOU ARE CURED RIGHT??"". After realising how shallow my parents were I was just like ""yeah like you would care"", but I didn't say that. So after that incident I kinda just stayed in contact with one person, a friend who is my age. He is also a drug dealer and we would see some herb now and then to kind of cope with life. In 2020 I basically went downright crazy, I told myself:
 ""okay, now that I know that I dropped out of school, will never have a stable job (I did apply for many, never got one), will never have a girlfriend, because I'm a virgin and anxious, that my life has no meaning and I don't fit in the whole system and can't seem to find happiness in a healthy legal way, I will just fuck my body up with DXM"", a strong hallucinogenic cough suppressant, which goes nuts in your brain and liver in high doses.
My plan would be either dying from acute liver failure or some chronic body illness, that would reduce my life expectancy. I don't care about my life and I don't see why I should fight for it. I tried to give life many more chances and I put efforts in many things but nothing was good enough. In the last 2 weeks my situation has worsened, as I had spent hundreds of euros (around 300) on herb, melatonin and DXM just to get high or to help me sleep. I didn't care if I would become a junkie or not and I still don't do. When I was on a solid 3rd Plateau a few days ago (I had been sleep deprived for months and in these 5 days I have probably slept for 6 hours in total) I totally became insane, got some nice drug induced psychosis, lost my identity (ego death) and I was so overwhelmed with experiencing my life going out of hand like that that I just laughed. I thought about killing myself and I just laughed. I didn't feel anything, I was robowalking through my room in a creepy way and would just say completely crazy shit like ""Once I am finally dead, I will be finally able to free the jesus sculptures in the church *insert maniac laughter*""
Now I am lying in my bed sleep deprived, confused, not able to detect how I feel, thinking about why the hell I should continue life. Death could just swipe all my problems away, because I go insane if I don't do drugs in life. But drugs do destroy my life in other ways, and I am a bit aware of that, it just doesn't matter to me. My tendency would be to pull one really good planned multi suicide attempt, so that I can finally get over with this shit, as nobody will ever love my character and you know why? Because there is no real me, I simply don't exist, I am just a mirror that displays emotions from others trying to make them like me. 
I am very very confident, there is no single fucking individual out there, who would really care about me or my death. I just know how all of them are faking, because they are expected to react that way when someone pulls a suicide attempt. Well, might as well be successful this time, I will never experience true love anyway. I mean, which woman does want a mentally insane boyfriend or husband? Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to have a girlfriend, not just for the erotic aspect. I want to make her feel comfortable around me, help her with chores, release her from stress stuff like that. I basically want someone to care about who also cares about me in a way. I miss that feeling, even though I did never experience it. The pain gets stronger and stronger, the DXM effects are slowly wearing off, making my emotions (negative emotions) come back. I feel the stomach tilting feeling of just wanting to die creeping up on me. While I am typing this my fingers are shaking, my mind is blank, my heartrate is high as I myself was high on drugs within the last 3 months. Cold sweating, but deep down inside myself I know, that there really is one thing to do. One. Option. That is the perfect solution. All pain gone at once. Never experiencing depression and hopelessness ever again. Being simply gone for good.
I already see the people ignoring this post or commenting the typical stuff like ""tell X or Y"" or ""don't commit suicide, we need you, you are one of us"" or ""you can still change, it's never too late"" or ""suicide is a permanent solution for a non-permanent problem"". I know encouraging suicide isn't a thing either, but to me all of those sayings just seem to be the same to me. I don't know what I expect from you guys, I am just wasting your time what am I doing ;(
Have a good one, I will just try to make a plan for the next attempt, this life is gone anyways.",moderate
dev_pid_381,"Friends stopped trying to help me. : I am an absolute dumbass. Got drunk and angry a few days ago, shouted a lot, told my friends that I didn't care about my health anymore, that I didn't want help and that I would refuse any help if offered. They actually did what I asked them to do. They stopped worrying/caring about me. I'm a lost cause. This is entirely my fault and I am ashamed of how I acted.
From now on, they just don't act the same with me, like if I was some kind of stranger. No more smiles, nothing. No more ""please eat something"", ""stop drinking"", ""stop cutting yourself"" or some ""how are you doing?"" every while and then.
I have been an absolute idiot for refusing help just because I thought that I had to deal with my own problems and man up.
For someone who wanted some peace and quiet, I'm served.",moderate
dev_pid_382,"Birthdays suck : I don’t know how to explain this correctly so it might not make sense but I want to get it off my chest. 
My birthday was on the 4th. When I was a kid birthdays were great! Seemed like every year they got better and better until they started getting worse. I learned to lower my expectations. Then for a few years only a couple people would wish me a happy birthday. I didn’t even mind not getting attention on my birthday.
I have a few people that I used to be SUPER close with but I don’t talk to anymore because of a bunch of different reasons. They were kinda toxic for me and wouldn’t put in the same effort into our relationship that I did. After I stopped putting in effort, they didn’t talk to me anymore. It was super hard for me to realize that someone I used to be so close with didn’t like me anymore. Anytime they reach out I remember how awful they made me feel. For the past 3 years these people from my past have reached out to wish me a happy birthday and I thank them and I appreciate the thought but every time i talk to them, it brings be back to the feelings I had at this low point in my life.
It sucks that a nice gesture on a day that is supped to be filled with happiness can make me feel so sad. Knowing that these people will reach out to me makes me dread my birthday every year.",moderate
dev_pid_383,"Empty : My life has reached a point I never thought plausible. I have let down everyone from my wife to my parents with my addiction issues. Tomorrow I’ll be going inpatient for 28 days. I hope it helps. Thanks for being my support group, friends of Reddit.",moderate
dev_pid_384,"I feel stuck : I need help, I feel alone, like no one really cares. I have “friends” but it just doesn’t feel right. I would do anything (and I have) for them, but when it is their time to help me, they never do. They are always toxic and I feel left out even when we hang out. I just don’t want to feel like crap anymore. It is wearing me down and I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel afraid to make new friends, I just don’t know what to say or I just don’t want to initiate. I am also not sure what I’m even interested in, like where would I even go to make new friends. I just feel stuck, like I have nowhere to go.",moderate
dev_pid_385,"I'm lonely, that's all it is idk why I wanna kill myself : Does anyone know how to change. I don't like feeling sad all the time I don't even have anything to be sad about the only thing is I'm lonely. I hate feeling like I want to kill myself I cry and everything my head pounds. How do I not want to kill myself? please Anybody",moderate
dev_pid_386,"I miss my brother... : Hey guys and gals, 
I'm hitting that low point again. In January I lost my childhood friend who helped me survive the abuse my dad dished out to me on a daily basis. I was talking to his sister who I also was good friends with growing up today. It just brought back so many good and bad memories I don't know how to cope with them.. I'm not suicidal in any way. But definitely very sad at this point. I hate death and will never understand it. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.",moderate
dev_pid_387,"I’m done : I don’t think I’ve ever been this emotional in my life. I’m fed up with everyone and their stupid bullshit. Everyone my whole life has dug me a huge deep hole of sadness and insecurity. I’m taking drugs now, I’m addicted I know I am. I’m so fucked up because of everyone else. I’m so fucking tired of even being alive. I try my best to help people yet I just get thrown into my hole and when I try and crawl out everyone just watches me and laughs. My girlfriend is possibly the worst girlfriend in the history of girlfriends but I’m too weak to break up with her. She treats me like shit and never puts me first. Getting high is the only thing keeping me going but I can’t always do that. I’m so done with everyone I’m so done with everything I hope this virus kills me. I’m only 16 I can’t imagine living to even 20. The amount of pain that must be.",moderate
dev_pid_388,"I have to try not to die of boredom : I try to get out of the house as much as possible because the people I live with are all toxic and there's really nothing to do in the house but lay in bed and wish I was eternally asleep. I genuinely want to die when I am home, so i usually try to get out as much as possible. My daily routine consists of waking up at 0600 and going to school. I stay on campus until about 2200 before I head back home to eat dinner and sleep. The house is just a resting place for me and nothing else. I even go to campus on Fridays when I don't have class, and my weekends and Tuesday nights are usually occupied by a Sailing program. 
But due to Corona Virus, my Regatta I had over the weekend was canceled, along with our regular meetings and other events until further notice.
The LA College District has moved all possible classes to online, so I won't be able to go on campus save only Mondays and Wednesdays for an art c i'll ass that was unable to be placed online, but might end up getting canceled later on.
Last night I was lying down on a table on campus and started crying because I knew that after that night I will have almost nothing to preoccupy myself from my depression, boredom, and thoughts of suicide. 
Any social events nearby have been canceled and there is no one willing to hang out in groups in public, so I am now housebound.
I woke up at 0600 and it is now 1707 and I have yet to get out of bed. I may not have a high chance of dying if I get the virus, but I feel like the outbreak still has a chance of killing me through my own self-destruction.",moderate
dev_pid_389,"I'm about to be homeless. I thought I moved to a safer place, but I was wrong. : Im about to surrender my dog to someone who can take care of him, until I can take him back. Im about to be homeless. I kept investing in my family but that hasn't worked. Im getting a storage unit and trying to find care for my dog. Feels fucking impossible. I'll be sleeping in my car. My family sucks. I was told that ""my pathetic life revolves around my pathetic dog"" idk what to do.",moderate
dev_pid_390,"i will forever be alone :  ive never had a girlfriend, everygirl ive liked ive been shut down, and when i think girls like me they dont? when a girl that i like liked me back, we really didnt even like eachother. were more like brother and sister. but its probably because i have horrible genes, arent special in any way and have a horrible fucking family. ive just accepted the fact that no girl will like me ever, and i was born to be lonely. i admitted that i had been having dark thoughts to a girl i loved, she said she loved me and for a short while i felt complete. but she lied, when i said i liked her she blocked me and she and her friends bullied me at school, and she had alot of friends, and now im just nmb, and thats why whenever i get a compliment out of the blue im speechless, any girl im friends with i never share me feeling because of my extreme fear of pain and rejection and the fear of losing my friends and being some pathetic loser again.",moderate
dev_pid_391,"Maybe my last 24 hours : If I died 24 hours ago, I woulda had a satisfactory life. I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. If I leave, I hope people remember me.",moderate
dev_pid_392,"I'm pointless and worthless : I've finally accepted the truth.
I'm just nothing.
I have so much self doubt that I constantly second guess myself.
There is nothing worthwhile about my existence and nothing worth while after I turn 18.
I'll just die on the street with the rats and stray dogs.
Where I belong.
How dare I think that I'm allowed to exist and live.
What the fuck was I thinking when I was younger?
That I would live a happy life.
I was naive.
Now I'm just accepting truth like everyone else does.
Accepting that I'm nothing.
And that there is no difference between me being here right now, and me being dead on the side of the road, alone and rightfully so.
I'm nothing",moderate
dev_pid_393,"I really need help asap : Im done with trying to keep living. I Just failed a suicide attempt. I live alone and have not had any visitors at all in months, but this wicked fucked world found a way to draw attention so someone found me and wouldnt let me die. I've tried everything for years in hope of getting a life I feel is worth living, but the road has already been to long for me, and I've made up my mind to finally set myself free from this. I need a certain suicide method I can go through with in my own house that does not hurt to the point I scream of pain. Ican take a lot of pain before I react to it, but I don't want to leave a mess either. Can anyone please help?",moderate
dev_pid_394,"Death, A Family Feud, And A Virus : About three weeks ago, my grandma passed away at the age of 92. It wasn’t unexpected, but it’s still never fun when someone in your life passes. She had a good amount of wealth, which she left to my mom, her main caregiver, and her grandkids. She had three other living children who she left nothing to.
We knew when she was gone that things would start to get messy, and they have, all because of the money and those who were not named beneficiaries of it. 
It has been extremely stressful during this time on me, someone who has dealt with anxiety and depressive periods since my teens. Some of the things that have helped me deal with those times is travel and sports. Two things I can immerse myself in and get away from it all. Now, because of this virus, both of those things aren’t really an option for me. I feel like I’m suffocating, basically having no answer as to when I can do those things again, and wondering what is the point. 
Because it’s really hard for me to find one right now. My exhausted mind and body are not sure how much more they can give without some relief.",moderate
dev_pid_395,"I think it's just my time at this point. : I can't live hating myself constantly. It's doesn't seem like it's going to end. Everybody thinks I'm annoying, including myself. Nobody would be sad if I ended my life. In fact, they would probably piss on my grave. My life isn't worth it anymore. I have a friend who u vent to but they have run out of things to say and I think they are trying to signal to me that they don't care. There isn't anything I'm looking forward to, except the sweet release of death. I don't have a good reason to live. If I'm lucky, covid-19 will do it for me, as I have asthma.",moderate
dev_pid_396,"I feel like such a loser. : I literally have no real life friends, I'm a total virgin, never smoked weed, never had a job, never gone to a party or concert.
I'm such a loser.",moderate
dev_pid_397,"I was reading loads of shite online about thinking too much about things and someone said it helps if you thank your thoughts. It Makes them easier to get over. : Example:
Brain: you're a piece of shit
Me:thank you so much brain for thinking that but Im actually alright  :)
#thanksbrain",moderate
dev_pid_398,"Depression buddy? : Hi - i've been feeling lately that I could really do with someone to chat to who understands what living with chronic depression is like, because so few people in my real life have any experience with depression or understand how it feels. This in itself is obviously very lonely, and i think i could do with a friend who understands. This all being said, I was wondering if anyone out there would like to chat so that we can both feel a little less alone? Ideally someone with chronic depression that's endogenous (not situational/context dependent), in their early 20s (I'm 23), probably British or in a similar timezone, probably female but not necessarily (I am female). To be clear, I am NOT looking for some do-gooder to offer me vague, patronising platitudes, I am looking for someone with similar experiences to me. (no offence to any would-be philanthropists)   
This might seem like a strange request, I'm just hoping to make depression feel a bit less lonely i guess.  (btw please dont be offended if i dont reply to you. I'll do my best but i get a bit overwhelmed)",moderate
dev_pid_399,"I'm scared : I got fired from my job last Saturday because I was acting like an asshole. I hated my bosses because I had been struggling for months with being understaffed, they wouldn't listen. They then expected me to pick up their slack. It was my fault. I wanted to quit but was scared to, but was really hopeful and thought it would be a good thing for me.
Now, Corona virus had happened. I'm scared I won't be able to find a job. The most promising one won't be calling me back until next week. I haven't had any other calls back. Businesses are slowing down. My boyfriend works at IHOP and they sent him home 3 hours into an 8 hour shift. My cat has been sick and I can't afford to take him to the vet. Today, my car's steering gave out, and I got it fixed, but it scared the shit outta me because I can't afford to fix it again.
I don't know what to do. I've never felt so completely useless. I won't admit I'm scared to anyone and have just been acting like normal, like it'll be okay. 2 days ago was 6 weeks after the last time I self-harmed, and I'm struggling to keep from falling back in.  My boyfriend normally spends the night 3-4 times a week, he hasn't since last week and I miss him but I have been up every night crying and having panic attacks and I don't want him to see it. I'm scared we're about to be in a recession and I won't be able to afford anything. I just got my credit back up above 600, now it's going to go back down. I'm honestly so scared. I'm not even scared of the Corona virus, just the crazy effect on the economy. I wish they would let us postpone bills like Italy. I feel like my life is falling apart again and all I can do is watch.",moderate
dev_pid_400,"Not feeling enough and wanting to lighten my heart by sharing : Hi reddit, this is going to be one of my first posts so bear with me.
I was feeling blue and didn’t really know what to do except for just lying in my bed, listening to loud music and staring at my laptop screen and feeling empty. 
So I came across this subreddit and after reading some of the posts here I thought that I might feel better to just write a fucking post to get it all out.
I am an anxious person. I love to look down on myself and think the worst, so how I deal with it is to make myself busy with life. School and side activities, part-time jobs and partying. But now that I’ve had extra time I get remembered of demons and all the reasons why I think I am a failure.
First, I get so surprised and jealous of people who have a good relationship with their siblings and nieces. I have four siblings, one of them passed away last year, and I have seven nieces. I am the youngest in my family so the age gap between us is huge since I came into the picture rather late. My relationship with my siblings is non-existing, and not because they are bad people or anything, we were just never close. I also live in another city than them which doesn’t make it easier to get in touch. I feel like I actually don’t know anything about them, and they know nothing about me. I don’t know what kind of music they listen to, what they like to eat or what their dreams in life are and same can be said from them about me. And the thing is I really do want to get closer to them, but I get so anxious around them and I can’t relax. I feel like a personality-less person who doesn’t even know how to talk to my own fucking siblings, and this fucking breaks my heart because I have this barrier that won’t let me just be calm and be myself. The only thing that helps me take down that barrier is alcohol, and anxiety and alcohol doesn’t mix well together. But I love the feeling of losing the barrier that helps me talk relaxed to people, the feeling to just make friends with the whole wide world. But the day after a night of heavy drinking comes the anxiety that won’t let me leave the bed and I won’t even open my phone for HOURS because I always have this fear of finding something horrible when unlocking the phone, even though I KNOW that there isn’t anything bad there.
When I’m feeling my worst this anxiety won’t let me open chats in messenger, the whole app just makes me anxious, the mere thought of someone wanting to get a hold of me makes me want to throw the phone in the lake and take a flight to a jungle were no one will find me. My mailbox, both email and at home get filled because I have the fear of finding something I won’t like. 
I, like maybe most people here, feel very lonely since I don’t have a relationship with my siblings nor with my closest friends. I wish to find love, to go on tinder dates or just fall in love with someone from school.
But I always tell myself that I’m not enough for anyone and that I am all too boring for anyone to find interest in me, and to go on a date and get rejected just scares me too much which then leads to me just not going on any dates at all. But I have had guys showing interest in me, but I get too scared and push them away by telling myself that we would not match and last anyway, or by going home together after a night at the club and not being able to handle the situation afterwards. And then being left with my thoughts and convincing myself that it’s for the best because I like being alone anyways. 
Friends. I’ve met a lot of people in my life, but I’m not very good at keeping them in my life. People try to get into my life but I get uncomfortable and either ghost or get annoyed by them and just wish them to get out of my life even though they are good people. Or when I’m with people I actually do like I get scared that I am too plain and boring and not too exciting for them to stay with me. I get this anxiety and start to pressure myself to present myself in a way that will make them interested in me, kinda like if they are a crowd at a theater and I am the actor that needs to keep them entertained so that they won’t leave the salon. That Is why, if I don’t get invited to one smaller thing or don’t hear of something they all seem to know I take it so fucking personal even though they didn’t even mean to not include me. But since I am so unsecure about myself it tears me apart and I start to question myself, my worth and what the fuck I am doing on this planet. I suck at calling people or asking people how they are.
Maybe someone can relate, but writing this out calmed me down a bit and I hope that I will find the strength to come back to this thread and read the possible comments (if anyone actually reads this wall of text, sorry!) because anxiety. 
Lots of love from this anxiety filled blob.",moderate
dev_pid_401,"Advice for people recovering? : I think I am getting better with depression. I haven't fallen into a deep episode mainly because I look at for it. Mindfulness helped a lot for me.
But the problem I have now is ""pain"", bad sleep, and lack of focus. It's like all the thoughts of depression is gone but most of the symptoms say behind. I don't know if it's a medicine issue or something.
Anyone has any ideas what to do?",moderate
dev_pid_402,"Today i told my parents about wanting to see a psychiatrist : So i've been high functioning depressed (without a medical examination) for 4-5 years now, but recently it has become significantly harder to suppress it.
So i told my parents that i want to see a psychiatrist, they were supportive and agreed even though they think it's just anxiety (which I hope), i kinda leaned towards letting them know that I'm suicidal but they freaked so i kept that to myself. I really believe that this is the best way to go about it...",moderate
dev_pid_403,"I hate myself : Everyday, I wake up having anxiety attacks after realizing that I’m not where I want to be in life. I have had a host of issues.
I helped take care of my grandmother from 16-22 until she passed away. I didn’t graduate college until age 23. 
At 27 (almost 28), I have been unemployed for nearly a year. I live with my parents. I worked a few dead-end jobs because I was struggling with my mental health and didn’t know wtf I wanted to do with my life.
Looking at my other cousins, I see them ultra successful making nearly 6 figures and we’re all the same age. 
I’m at a point where I’m starting to pick myself back up and try again. I want to attend grad school and I finally have a few job interviews lined up.
I really want to get my own place this year, workout again, and study for the GRE. 
It doesn’t help that my “family” members basically call me a loser without explicitly saying it. I’m so damn tired.",moderate
dev_pid_404,Coronavirus is destroying my mental health : I live with my parents due to financial hardships and we have a pretty toxic relationship. Theyve locked me down on quarantine away from my life partner whom I havent seen in weeks and I dont know when I'll see them again. Being locked down away from my support system is making my depression and anxiety unbearable. Anyone in a similar situation or have some words of support?,moderate
dev_pid_405,"Anger and pain : That’s all I feel now. I can’t even enjoy sex or the most basic things that bring me joy or make me feel like a real person. I feel spent, like I have nothing left like I can’t even manifest a little happiness for a second. I’m in a relationship that feels like it’s tearing my soul in half and I know that it’s all my fault that I’m in this position. 
I feel guilty whether I do or don’t. I feel bitter at the world and people that seem to be free from their psychological prison. I need alcohol or weed just to feel comfortable and I smoke cigarettes more than I breath air it feels like. The worst part is that I got over a serious episode before one step in front of the other. One day at a time and one hurdle at a time. But I don’t know if I see the point anymore I want to talk to people about it but they don’t really care, and I understand why. When I was free for about 2 years I’m ashamed to say but I looked down on people for being depressed. I looked down on my former self and felt relieved that I wasn’t struggling anymore. But that seems like a distant memory now. 
Nothing rolls of my back I feel suicidal but also homicidal it seems so easy for my mind to get there now. Sometimes I’ll just get such intense emotion I can’t even understand why I’m still living it doesn’t make sense. You’d think I’d just end it but I know that there can be light at the end of the tunnel. I felt it. I felt what it’s like to not be like this to not hate myself and everyone around me, to take pride in what I did and who I was. But each time I break down and succumb to my emotion I feel my grip slipping and Ik that if I give in enough times I’ll be gone. I don’t want to die, but I can’t keep feeling this way it’s tearing me apart. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I feel trapped and suffocated and who knows maybe I don’t have much time left.",moderate
dev_pid_406,"I'm trapped in living : I'm 19 (m), all the friends I've known for years have changed and moved on whilst I feel like the same dumb kid I've always been, I'm just not one of them, more of a straggler or someone who they always invite then remember im not a good time. My only daily activities include working, playing mindless aim trainers on my pc until I pass out and then I wake up and work again, it's a dead end supermarket job where I just work and work with no days off as despite always being more of an introvert I've found recently that I'm starting to feel alone. at 19 I've never been in a relationship, kissed or even really ""talked"" to a girl in that way. I'm ugly, thats just a fact and fuck all this ur beautiful in ur own way shit thats not true at all. I'm in no way an incel in that I'm not condemning women for not wanting anything to do with me I wouldnt want to be with me either and that's just life, honestly I only stay alive to not hurt family and make my sister fucked up. u can say I'm young and make new friends but it's not that easy, I'm no longer in any form of school and I'm not committed enough or can really afford uni, work colleagues r all older and all that are my age have their established friendships already with their little groups, I'm fucking miserable. tell me how to get my life better if u want but I don't believe it's possible I've always been a bit off and friends used to make jokes about my mood swings but now maybe I am fucked up. this is just a dumb rant from a stupid kid with no motivation really to live and I can't really ever commit to a relationship as with all relationships chances r they will end and badly and something that makes u happy makes u sad again. I doubt anyone's read this and if u have hope ur having a better life than me and enjoy what u have b4 u wake up and it's all gone and ur the one wanting to go back to when u were 14 and things were so good. no way anyone's read all this u would have given up after the first few words im that pathetic oh well",moderate
dev_pid_407,"Just can't seem to get my shit together. : Everytime I think I've finally got the motivation to do go towards my goals and do the things I wanted I end up relapsing and hating myself more than ever. I really think I'm a pussy for not doing things that I can easily get over with and wanna do but something keeps holding me back. That something is the fact that I'm a scared pussy. I don't have the balls to do lots of things and I hate myself for it. Sometimes I really can't help myself and I feel really down about it. I'm just not happy with who I am, and maybe it's down to insecurity, but I don't know how to change that. I try but I always end up relapsing back to my shameful habits of being lazy and whatnot. And it's been like this for so long, it's like I'm at a standstill in life, where nothings going on, and I'm just waiting for something to happen. Meanwhile the time's flying and I'm still here.",moderate
dev_pid_408,When will things get better? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_409,I just ran for the first time in a long time : I started smoking when I became homeless last year. I was 22. I’m 23 now and I didn’t smoke a cig today. I plan not to until I’m dead. There’s better drugs I could be doing. But that’s not the point. I also went for a jog. 10 minutes of walking and jogging. I’m out of breathe and I feel like vomiting ugh. My lungs hurt. But I feel better,moderate
dev_pid_410,"School is canceled for 3 weeks starting monday : Great, besides the obvious upside of no school, my depression is always a million times worse when I'm alone for long periods
School was one of the few places I could talk to people, even if I didn't like to.
Now I'm stuck at home, with no one to talk to because my family is crappy",moderate
dev_pid_411,"I've always just wanted someone to talk to : I Don't ever feel good, i barely have anyone to hanf out with and most people I talk to Don't want anything to do with þe after a few questions and a bit of banter, how rhe fuck can I keep someone talking to me?",moderate
dev_pid_412,"I just want a hug : Today's been a tough day. I feel like I burdened a lot of people today because I wasn't able to control my crying like I always do. So instead of holding it in, I just cried and broke the image people saw of me as a tough person who didn't need to be helped.
I'm just so tired and emotionally confused. Thanks for reading",moderate
dev_pid_413,"Deeply Worried About Coronovirus : I have been heavily depressed for the past 5 years. I live in a small flat in a mostly quiet town and i rely on the government for financial support. I sit most days in my flat with the four walls as my closest companion. I feel on a day to day basis my depression is in a intertwined dance with my anxiety. Its so deeply bad i sometimes have a fear of my surroundings and reality. This epidemic seems pretty major which is sending my notorious anxiety crazy. I fear there will be no food to eat and chaos among society. My mind plays countless frightening scenarios in my head. My depression always lingers and grips me tight though, reminding me of the pit i am destined to be in, even in a normal world. Anxiety and Depression are evil twins embedded in my mind. Can anyone relate?",moderate
dev_pid_414,"Social Separation is already my reality. : I hope no one else contracts the Coronavirus, however I see everyone freaking out about social separation and I realize I've been living this reality my entire life.",moderate
dev_pid_415,Corona cancelled my school and it might be one of the worst things that could’ve happened : I go to a school in Michigan and Gretchen just cancelled all of them until further notice and I think that might be the death of me. We’re supposed to go back on the fifth and my parents aren’t giving me any contact with my friends unless it’s online. I’m scared that it’s just gonna go back to the way it is on weekends and breaks with me just staying in bed for days at a time. I always feel worthless when I’m like that and I don’t want to. Idk it seems dumb.,moderate
dev_pid_416,"I'm feeling really suicidal : I dont know what to do about it 
I'm so lonely...",moderate
dev_pid_417,I'm wasting my life : I'm wasting my life. It's slipping away between my fingers like sand and I cant do anything about it.,moderate
dev_pid_418,"When you realise Covid19 maybe the answer... : So if you're anything like me, which chances are someone is, then you're not scared of this new virus.
At the end of the day I have 3 harming techniques that that help me get by;
* Poor diet
* Poor sleep pattern
* Poor hygiene
Each for a reason, for example when someone says how are you ""tired"" is an acceptable answer. No more question.
Poor diet and hygiene are to increase the likelihood of getting an illness that hospitalises me and also helps me feel on the outside like I do on the inside. But does any one realise what is going on? Nope, not even the folk I live with.
So with all of that I have become more susceptible to sickness which mean I could(relatively easily) catch the dreaded C word (not that one). And I'm excited not scared. If I get sick and die then it doesn't matter cos that's a natural thing, life goes on with out me and without blaming me.",moderate
dev_pid_419,Anyone else ever feel like they're out of touch with time? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_420,"Depression in a relationship : I'm in a 2 year relationship with my girlfriend and I've been suffering with depression since I was a teenager. My depression has gone pretty bad and frequently lately and it shows in our relationship. My girlfriend knows I've been suffering for this for awhile but sometimes she doesn't understand how to handle my state because she never had any experience before which I don't blame her. For the past year, we been in fights and our communication has been good lately. We tried to talk things out but when we do, my depression would kick in because I felt so bad about myself and our relationship. I feel most of the time my depression comes from our relationship. I dont know if I should break up with my girlfriend. I still love her but I feel she is getting frustrated with trying to help me. Our relationship is becoming unheathly. Sometimes I feel if we were to break up, we wouldn't put the pressure on each other anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_421,"No one cares about you when you become an adult : Don't get me wrong, children are the most vulnerable part of our population so medical, educational, and financial programs to help kids are very important. But man, once you hit that 18 y o mark it's like society couldn't give less of a fuck.
Got cancer? Too bad.
Mental health issues? Good luck figuring out that shit on your own buddy.
Unemployed and about to be homeless? Better find a good bench to sleep under!
And it seems like the older you get, the less people care. I didn't ask to be born or thrown into this world, yet I'm expected to work until I'm literally to decrepit to be ""useful"" anymore. All of that with mental illness and barely any support. I know people will tell me to just get over myself but I feel like I had to get that off my chest.",moderate
dev_pid_422,"I wish I could believe that people liked me : My parents and close friends always tell me that I am fun to be around, and that people enjoy my company...but I see so many signs that it just isn't true in my daily life. Maybe my counselor is right that I am seeing life through jaded glasses, but that just doesn't seem to be the case when I observe how others get treated relative to how I get treated. 
Why does it seem that people ignore my texts? Why does it seem that people avoid me? I feel like I can make friends so easily, but after they meet who I am none of them want to be friends anymore. Just surface relationships. 
And what hurts more is that I talk to my coworker who deals with depression, they say they have the same thing happen to them (people avoiding them, etc). The mistreatment is awfully discouraging. But when she takes her meds, she forgets about it...and acts like it's solved even though I still see people mistreat her the way I feel like I get mistreated. 
Does anyone else feel like everyone dislikes them even though it might not be true? How do you deal with this when you can't choose the people you have to be around?",moderate
dev_pid_423,"Her : All she does when we call is talk about other guys and  she always brings her friend to third wheel when we call and hangout, I don’t wanna sound like an asshole but it just upsets me, and yes I know that I shouldn’t be posting this on this subreddit but I just want someone to talk to",moderate
dev_pid_424,"Wellbutrin afternoon “crash”? : Can Wellbutrin cause an afternoon crash if you take it the morning? I have been on it for about 4 days now and the past three days have been fine, and today was fine until about 8 hours after I took it. I was in a store and just felt lightheaded and fatigued. I walked out the store and laid in my car for about an hour and then I started to slowly regain my energy. I’m still getting back to normal actually. Other than these symptoms I’ve had a positive experience with Wellbutrin boosting my energy levels.",moderate
dev_pid_425,"My Shitty Comedy of a Love Life : My love life is a very shitty comedy. I wouldn't mark it up as a tragedy because in retrospect it is really fucking hilarious but arguably one of the largest sources for the depression I'm currently in now. I wanted to post this on here to see if I could possibly get any advice and/or support mostly because my friends in real life keep shoveling me the same shit over and over again. Alright anyway let's begin.  
2016 (6th Grade Year)  
My first year of middle school. I had all of the normal classes and pretty much a standard setup. I go through about let's say 3-4 months worth of school before I caught eye of this girl that I thought was pretty cute. (My mind pretty much wiped all memory of interactions so some might be out of order on a general time line). I don't remember how exactly, but I got into contact with a friend of the girl I was interested in, I'll call her L. (Fuck I can't remember anything from this time period). Anyway I think I remember using her as some Agent Garbo type shit. TL;DR I end up doing some really weird shit which I will list down below:  
\- Playing the Knife Game to Get Pity From the Girl I like  
\- Scratched my skin with a kitchen knife and sent a picture to the girl  
\- Asked the girl who her next boyfriend was going to be  
\- Winked at her for no reason  
\- Hindu Habbibi Instagram compliments 
I feel like I'm describing something a weird fuck would do but this was actually what I did. Jesus Christ. So 6th grade ended with some decent grades but I had pretty much no progress with this girl. I also did a naughty no no mustache man salute in band class.  
2017 (7th grade year)  
So this is my 7th grade year and I'm back in full force. I tried asking the girl out but of course it was too awkward to even sound like a sentence. Anyway a time jump is deserved here since nothing really happens until the beginning of 8th grade year. Right now is basically an intermission to another Act. I finally got my hair cut from some ozzy osbourne type shit to Iraq War radio backpack skinhead type shit. My relationship with L got a bit closer with some phone calls. I think it was around this time where she got a boyfriend. It may sound like that relationship would've went somewhere but she was taller than me and already told me how she would never date me.  
2018 (8th grade year- A Turning Point)  
Alright the first nine weeks of my 8th grade year is what is probably a defining part of my 2010s experience. So I've completely given up on that one girl and turned my attention to a new girl, I'll call her F. Anyway I had art for the first nine weeks which put me in the same class with her. I had one of my old elementary school (girl) friends as a double agent to communicate with F too. (This is going to be a theme on this show). I barely communicated directly with F, which was completely different from my last interaction with what I'll just call Z for simplicity now. So the F relationship was getting nowhere and Z got another boyfriend. Here is where it gets interesting. Z accidentally posts her, how do I say this, naughty no clothes pics all over snapchat. This was by accident, the intention was to send it to her boyfriend. Of course I rode the bus with her and as some fucked retributive tribal warfare, I started to make fun of her. Every. Single. Day. So this got so bad that I was called down to the office one day and I was just told to stop doing it. I'm surprised I didn't get a harsher punishment. Around this point F told my double agent that she would never date me as well. Yeah I know I know my plan was perfect how could it fail? So another intermission between now and near the tail end of the year until I started looking around in my band. I find this really beautiful girl who looks like a 3D anime girl in my band on percussion. How the fuck does this happen.   
So this new thing started. I'll call her G. L also happened to be friends with her too. So I suppose it's time to list some things that happened before this initial moment of realization that doomed me from the start:  
\- I have barely talked to her   
\- She witnessed my Heige Seil  
\- I made fun of her a few times, accident and on purpose  
Alright so there was a chicken pox problem in our school around state testing time in 2019. What I didn't know was that G got chicken pox (because her parents are anti-vax so her entire family got it lol), which completely fucked all of the kids who didn't have the chicken pox vaccine. I get banished from our school in the middle of testing season which completely fucked over my schedule. TL;DR I had to take a few tests inside of the office, which may or may not have contributed to my shitty test scores that year. I come back to school and I'm so pissed that I just rant and rave about some degenerate who got chicken pox. So math class comes and I continue to bitch about it and I only had this revelation that she was the one who got chicken pox in the summer of 2019. Like holy shit what are the chances. Not only did I make fun of her those many times, act like a fucking maniac eating shit out of garbage cans and off of the floors (didn't mention that earlier did I lol), now I have just called her a fucking degenerate retard. I was going to ask her to formal but it was held during my quarantine, so I couldn't even go.   
2019 (9th grade year)  
TL;DR Homecoming is around the corner and I attempt to ask G. I couldn't even say anything as I was awkwardly standing next to her locker. It could've been worse. This one was the worst for me. It built up for a half year and then it crumbled within a day. I don't know what my friends were thinking at the time but later on they commented on how they hope something like this never happens again. Anyway this next girl I'll call her K basically fucked with me for like 3 weeks for some reason. I thought I got lucky but then I realized what was actually happening. It went from like a mild sadness to just no mans land with a nerf gun.   
2020 (Present)  
So now in the present I am currently crushing over this Junior that said hi to me once and initiated some small talk. I've fixed most of the problems with my last attempts along with continuing to maintain our band storage units just to gain some GTA San Andreas respect points. I think this shit has contributed to why I believe everyday is a cycle. Everyday feels the same unless I interact with this one individual. Along with the fact that anything that is happy in nature does the opposite for me.   
 I have no idea what Im going to do next, but this 3 week break that we just got courtesy of Mike DeWine should help. I hope reading this wasn't too much of a pain because I'm too fucking lazy to proofread this, along with the fact that I doubt my memory is 100% accurate since I've kind of mashed 6th and 7th grade together. I wonder what your comments will be and I'll provide any context that is needed, hopefully.",moderate
dev_pid_426,"Don’t ever say things can’t get worse : (Sorry this is quite narcissistic and vent-y, I just really need to let this all out)
I thought my life was bad. All my friends abandoned me/ are just generally apathetic towards me, I didn’t get into my dream uni even though I was practically overqualified for it, I have an eating disorder that I’ve allegedly ‘recovered’ from but more because I’m too depressed to do anything about it, I can’t hang onto a job for any long period of time, and any time I ask for help the door gets shut in my face, and so I felt that I was just watching all my peers experiencing life whilst I waste away. So what do I do? I book a holiday to visit family and get it out of my system. I decide to write an anonymous message to the boy I’ve been in love with for months (and who I have some inkling might like me back). And I’m thinking ok this could be the beginning 
But haha!!!!! I thought it was going to be a good time but no! I get fucking sexually assaulted by a family member, someone I knew and loved and trusted and was probably aware of how vulnerable I was. And now I have to live with that on top of EVERYTHINH ELSE. So now I’m too anxious and depressed and scared to do anything, and if the boy I like did like me back, it’s too fucking late now because it’s been weeks and I’m too ducking terrified to check social media or anything so I’ve managed to lose him in this mess alongside any trust I had of my family. Never ever say things can’t get worse because they do, after rock bottom there is another rockier bottom.
So honestly I barely see the point in going on. In some ways, I almost feel my life is such a horrible joke that I detach myself from reality and just laugh, as if life is some video game I’m playing. But honestly I just feel so exhausted and heavy all the time and I don’t think there’s a way out. I’m in therapy, and my parents know about the assault, but I just feel like everything’s too much, I’m too much, I just want a really long sleep.",moderate
dev_pid_427,"Leaving : I am leaving because of the huge amount of people requesting I private message them when I posted. Majority were scammer. And for the one person who answered who refused to accept the ""meditation does not work for me"" and tried to push her meditation thing on me.
Lierally, I was more sad and angry after posting here then I was before I found it",moderate
dev_pid_428,"Sometimes it feels like I'm never going to be better : I did it all. Meditate, exercise, reach out. And yet I screw it all up, and sometimes it just makes everything worse than if I had done nothing. I reached out, only to realize no one in my life would help me, they all just got mad at me, and I guess I can't blame them because how I manage to mess up everything. I'm just a disappointing person. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Now I feel like maybe it's just better if I just stop and let everyone forget about me so I can kill myself. I don't add anything to the world, my best isn't good enough. I don't get why I'm supposed to enjoy life and continue to live, if I'm this useless than just let me die instead of making everyone have to deal with me.",moderate
dev_pid_429,"Support Group Server [Discord] : Hey everyone! I'm considering creating a discord server for all friends of the subreddit? The idea would be, providing a support group the way this subreddit does, but as well as linking up possible new friends in a community? Maybe there already is/are servers for this but in the meantime, I was wondering if anyone would be interested? Please let me know if you are! :)
(I have absolutely not worked out all the details, so if you have suggestions feel free to shoot em here, but some channels would include:)
* Chat channels
   * General chat (""How was your day! Fun facts/cool stuff, etc.)
   * Hobbies (Gaming? Arts/Crafts? Writing?)
* Resources channels:
   * General Resources (ex: self-care, how to make lifestyle changes, apps that help, general tips, advice)
   * (More) Serious Resources (ex: emergency help lines, other help groups, anxiety/coaching through panic attacks etc.)
* Vent channels
   * Channels for different types crisis with varying intensity 
   * Channels listed under trigger warnings/super serious/requests immediate help
* Good News!
   * Successes (of the day! Of the week/month, etc.)
   * Wholesome posts/Recommended Reads?  
If you would be interested, please let me know!",moderate
dev_pid_430,"Girlfriend has been very depressed the last few days : Hey guys not sure if this is the right place or not and I apologize if this isn’t, but my girlfriend has been dealing with some depression pretty hard the last few days. I’ve been trying to do everything I can to help her out and try to make her feel a little better but I feel like I’m not helping her at all. 
It breaks my heart seeing her this upset and I wish there was something more I could do. Any tips on things I can do to maybe help her out more?",moderate
dev_pid_431,"My mom is dying anytime soon, my girlfriend of 3 years just broke up with me, just broke my first razor blade. Let’s go : ",moderate
dev_pid_432,"I almost killed myself three days ago. : I was by myself, in my dorm room, with nowhere to go and nothing to do for two days. All I did was watch “You” on Netflix, which reminded me too much of my emotionally abusive relationship I was in about a year ago. All these thoughts in my head started pouring in about how it’s my fault and about how I was actually the problem, enough so that I stood up at my desk for a solid twenty seconds with my pill bottle full of 100mg Zoloft tablets held up to my mouth. 
I didn’t do it. I called the suicide hotline instead. And here I am, still standing, now spending time with my family.
I’m stronger than what you did to me.",moderate
dev_pid_433,"I fucking hate my life. : I just need to fucking vent. I wake up every day and this is my first thought.  
Sometimes the depression lifts for a few moments, sometimes days or even around a month.  
But fuck man no matter what I do or where I go I just fucking hate living.  I know my parents wanted kids, and they did a great job.  But I feel like life is punishment and I don't know what I did wrong.
Fuck all this. I am sick of breathing existing doing things.   I fucking hate my life.  
Staying happy is like trying to keep a fire going with a pile of wet leaves.  It's hard.  Sometimes happiness flares up but then I eventually feel smothered again.
I don't need responses I just wanted to vent because fuck life.
Thanks people.",moderate
dev_pid_434,"Suicide on my mind : I will try my best to keep this short and sweet 
I have had depression for half of my life, starting when I was 9-10 years old. I am 18 now. I did not have the best childhood but that’s for a different story. I have been crying every day here lately and it’s drained so much out of me. My appearance is shit ball, I no longer do my makeup, wear nice clothes, and my hair is just a rat’s nest. I don’t really talk to anybody about my depression anymore, other than when my boyfriend sees me crying and I have to tell him why. All of the years since my depression first started I have given up hope on medication. Every single time I went to my old psychiatrist, it seems like I was on a different medication every time I walked out. I felt like a zombie and it robbed me of my teenage years. I am not on medication anymore. My life got better but now it’s getting worse. And it won’t stop until I’m dead I guess. I have set a date to kill myself but that’s far into the future, October of this month. That is plenty of time to maybe let therapy work and try to make myself happier. I know how I am going to do it but I want to try and get better first. I am going to try therapy again next week, but it’s just so hard to talk. I can’t force the words out on how I feel. The nastiest, lowest, worst feeling ever. I can’t go on like this. It hurts every single day and I have no friends because I am too antisocial to go out and make any, and people get on my nerves. I hope before October I can get my GED (I dropped out of high school the exact day I turned 16, school was hell and I did so much better after I got out!) and go to college to hopefully work in my dream career someday. I slacked on getting my license, but I have had my permit for the required time but I still don’t have my license. I am too afraid of driving. My anxiety makes a common fear for first drivers literal agony as I sit in the drivers seat but I know I need my license if I want to go to college. I really really don’t know what to do right now and I don’t have anything worth staying alive for right now, and I feel very selfish because I have a family and a boyfriend (and his family, my 2nd family) who loves me but it still doesn’t seem like enough. I really don’t know what to do right now and suicide seems like it can’t wait.",moderate
dev_pid_435,laid in bed for 15 hours today : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_436,"HELP IS THERE... : In this time of uncertainty and confusion, just know there are people available to help or listen.
SUICIDE HOTLINE
800-273-8255
SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE
800-656-4673
TRANS LIFELINE
877-565-8860
TREVOR PROJECT (LGBTQ YOUTH)
866-488-7386
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE
800-799-7233
HUMAN TRAFFICKING HOTLINE
888-373-7888",moderate
dev_pid_437,"Feel like I’m walking around without a heart : I just really can’t feel. I’m not even sad I’m just aching to feel like a person again, even physically my chest has this weird tingle like there’s a big empty cavity there. I feel like I should be crying right now but tears aren’t coming they’re just lingering in my head and not falling",moderate
dev_pid_438,"""People are truly pathetic""realize this and you won't be depressed again : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_439,A friend? : Anyone have it when you are bored that you are also lonely. When you get lonely you will go to anywhere to find someone to talk to online like texting or something. That’s me right now. It’s stupid and idk. I’m just a stupid idiot right now. So just ignore me. Probs will. I’m good at being ignored. Sorry. I’m really stupid and annoying.,moderate
dev_pid_440,"I don't get it. Friends leave, and quickly. I'd say I'm an above average looking female. Guys talk to me but only for sex, or expecting it lowkey. I am still in love with my ex. : Basically, I can't say I'm depressed as most people would say they are. But when no one talks to me I feel very lonely and sad, lowers my confidence and I don't move for hours and hours and stay in one spot. 
The depression hits when I am not working. It's pretty awful all these bad feelings come when I have free time. I wish I could have that girl friend or someone to talk to and really understand me.
My ex used to be my best friend, and always by my side. We didn't have the happiest relationship and I kind of depended on him in a toxic fashion to make me happy. He was the only person I really talked to for the past 2 years. We still talk but he has moved on and I have not. I am so broken by it. 
When i opened up social media accounts, I realized that alot of guys from my past and such have reached out to me and I have hung out with a few. Only to know they only wanted sex the whole time, where some have come on to me and I stopped it from happening. Coming home those nights just crushed me. And those guy friends, stopped talking to me as well as soon as they knew they were friendzoned. 
At work, I have a few co workers that are nice and we talk but only really at work. One even invited me out a few times and we drank together, but of course she had her whole family cousins etc with her at the time so the attention was not just focused on me. I even had to be 'picture girl' and take pictures of just them and she never included me in any of the pictures of the nights we had. 
I felt hurt by it, since she says Im such a good friend to her. 
She rarely texts me and invites me out anymore. I have texted her but it gets cut off pretty quickly. 
I just wish someone had put me on a pedastool like I do with others. I'm always there, I may not have the most unique and exciting personality but I sure wear my heart on my sleeve.  
I just want to fucking give up on being such a nice person to people and start being a cold bitch, although I am super warm and caring on the inside to those who show me ANY sort of appreciation or attention. 
Sorry if there wasn't a point I just needed to vent. And if someone could help or say kind words at this time it would be appreciated. 
I just don't know what to do. I know I need to focus on me but I never have the motivation to do so unless its exercise or something. 
Thank you for reading..",moderate
dev_pid_441,"How do I stop pushing away the people I love? Advice please : (F17, taking depression meds) Every 3-4 months when I think things are finally looking up, for some reason I start distancing myself from those closest to me. My friends usually stick with me the first couple times (no idea why since they deserve better) but eventually they assume I'm disinterested or we're growing apart, when in reality I'm distancing myself and I don't know why. This fall I found the first  group of friends that make me want to leave bed, and a few months ago I started dating my best friend and I think I'm in love. This has been the best few months of my life and I actually enjoyed going through each day. I thought I might've finally broken the cycle. But the other day I noticed it starting again. My boyfriend asked me to hang out and I impulsively made up a bullshit excuse for god knows why. I just did it again tonight. And yesterday I found myself struggling to sustain eye contact with him. I know he's noticed by now and I can tell he's confused and hurt. I hate myself for hurting him like this. I feel like a terrible girlfriend and human being. He doesn't deserve this. I have no control over the cycle. I can't lose him or anyone else I love. If anyone can relate or offer some advice or anything that might help I would be eternally grateful. Lots of love to anyone on this subreddit reading this. <3",moderate
dev_pid_442,"do i have depression? : i know that i can’t be diagnosed on here, but i want an opinion on whether or not i may have it. here is what i’m experiencing:
(i’m 15, for context)
no inner thoughts, just made up scenarios and music in my head 
bad hygiene. i make sure that i don’t smell bad while at school and keep my hair clean, but that’s about it 
i bite my nails and the skin around them, this has been going on for as long as i can remember
i eat out of boredom and have gained 40 lbs as a result. i don’t like my body and it holds me back from living my life and doing things, but i never follow through and lose weight.
no care for anything anymore. i used to be the most empathetic and caring person, but i feel desensitized to most things and never worry or care about anything
can’t laugh easily anymore. i used to laugh all the time, at everything. i guess that as you get older that happens, but i literally don’t find anything funny that other people do and i can’t remember the last time i laughed really hard 
i never feel truly happy. if i get something i’ve been looking forward to (a new phone, for example) i’ll be super happy, but that’s it. nothing makes me really think or care. like the coronavirus for example, i just am like “oh, ok”
i always sit around on my phone and do nothing when i could be doing so many other things, but i have no motivation to do them. 
i’m sort of irritable towards my mom at times. i guess that i could be bitter from the names she calls me (asshole, bitch, cunt, fatass, lazy, failure). my mom and i get into bad arguments as as a result, but not often. during those moments when they get really bad, i feel like i don’t wanna be here.",moderate
dev_pid_443,"Blocking out memories : I think that I've had some form of depression for atleast 5 years now, I say ""some"" because its changed into different things over the years. There were these times where it was like the logic in my thinking was corrupt and I couldn't reason just ""Why"", about anything, if that makes sense. The only thing I found to do was just block it all out; forget and just dont think about it. I kept a diary of such times because I didn't want to forget. Flash foreward to a month or so ago when I open this diary that I promised myself I wasn't gonna open until I was sure, and upon reading it I realized that I'd forgotten most of my memories, my childhood, and the person I was. 
Whack.",moderate
dev_pid_444,"What am I supposed to do : I've been depressed most of my life and I've never really felt appreciated or loved, and I hate it because it's hard for me to make friends but every friend I have doesn't seem to really care about me, I always get talked over or ignored, my family doesn't seem to care either, my sister hates me, my brother says I'm a mistake, and my parents think I'm a disappointment. I've never gotten a hug either and no one ever makes plans with me, idk if it's something I've ever done or said but no one seems to care about me or even like me. I've wanted to commit suicide so many times but the thought of death scares me. I feel like everything is my fault. What do I do.",moderate
dev_pid_445,"Just feeling low : Today I didn't wake up till 5pm, and I've just been feeling down all day. Like little sick, but I just as if I shouldn't of even gotten out of bed. I'm tired, upset, but I don't even know why I'm upset, I just am. I guess I've been struggling with that for a while now. I keep telling myself I'm okay, but the truth is sometimes I wish I just pass in my sleep. I feel happiness at times, like when I'm with friends, my fiance, but when I'm alone.. it gets to me.",moderate
dev_pid_446,"Venting... looking for an internet hug. Please. : Hi. 
Today was a very long day... some situations that occurred last night between a few “friends” and I made me realize that I genuinely have no one. Not one soul to depend on. I guess it’s just really hitting me now to where I’m actually sitting here thinking about it. I’m great at pushing my emotions away and I guess that’s what I’ve been doing which is why none of this dawned on me until now.
 If something were to happen to me tomorrow, I don’t think anyone besides my parents would lose any sleep over it. It’s just hard getting up every day, going on with life, feeling like I have no purpose. I have a lot to offer the world yet I can’t display that because I feel like no one cares to even listen. I just... wish people could see my side of things sometimes. I wish people could understand me and just be there. 
This is so all over the place but my mind is scrambled and I’m just typing whatever comes to mind. Anyone reading this... do you mind maybe striking up conversation in the comments? Even if you just ask me how I’m doing. Just anything to make me feel better. Thank you.",moderate
dev_pid_447,"I wish I could answer truthfully. : Everytime I hear the question ""why do you never do your homework?"" or ""why are you never in school?"", I just wish I had the balls to answer truthfully. And that is ""I don't have the motivation to exist. Why would I have the motivation to study for my future?"".",moderate
dev_pid_448,"School Shut-Down (Update) : So school was shut down for at least 2 weeks...I'm already bored out of my mind and spent the last few ours crying because of everyone in my house. I've been talking to one of my friends who was also having a breakdown and I think I helped but how can I really know? How do you know if you've truly helped someone, if even the slightest? Like I'm not expecting instant gratification or anything, I just want to know if I did everything right and didnt mess up and if i did what did i do wrong? But anyway I've already sunken into the whole of depression and this isnt even day 1 of no school and I want to die. I've written 4 notes this week and have been posting here more and more over the past like week. I see nothing to do over the next 2 weeks because most of my friends are allowed out of their own house to hangout. Like I just really need a hug and social interaction if I'm gonna make it through these times. I just dont know anymore...the one thing I want to do before I die is to make it so I dont die a virgin, but I'm ugly, annoying, and every girl hates me unless they're super close to me. Everything in life is just ugh and I need poeple talk to but like dont. Help",moderate
dev_pid_449,"Empty : Can't feel anything. This fucking sucks and my mental state is going way more downhill. I can't even cry anymore. I'm sick and tired of this stupid feeling and want to get better. I really do, and have been trying but I feel like giving up. It's hard. Everything is hard at this point. Sorry, kinda needed to vent",moderate
dev_pid_450,"I need advice : So I've been really good at hiding my mental illness from my husband for years, but now it's getting harder and harder to. I'm suicidal now and I dont know how or when to tell him, he is on deployment right now. He knows my past when it comes to my diagnoses and hospital stays, but he has never actually experience my ""behavior"". He's under a lot of stress and pressure himself and I just dont know how to tell him. I'm scared of hurting or burdening him with more stress...",moderate
dev_pid_451,"I think I’m suffering from depression : I hate throwing the word depression around. My mother has it and so I get very mad when people throw it around like it’s nothing. So I’ve refused to believe I’m depressed. I just tell myself that I’m just upset and I’ll get over it. But I’m not getting over it. Everything I used to love to do seems so boring to me. My video games have been unplugged for months, my books, my drawing supplies have been packed away. I’ve even started to loose interest in playing with my cat. I’m scared. I feel so alone and feel like I have no one to speak to. Anytime I attempt to talk to my parents they get distracted by my older brother, who needs much more attention than I do. I’ve been doing the same thing. I get home from school. Lay in bed and listen to music. I’m so unmotivated. I’ve even started to loose interest in eating and I’ve been starting to eat less. But when I’m around my friends I feel happy and myself for a little bit but it never lasts. I even wrote a suicide note today. I don’t plan on acting upon it but it just felt good to write about what has been happening. I just don’t know what to do. I’m only 16 and I’m so scared and feel so alone. Please.",moderate
dev_pid_452,"Anyone else prefer not to talk much? : I naturally don’t talk much. I will greet you, have a normal conversation and everything, but I will never speak out loud for no reason, to constantly voice my opinion, make jokes, ask questions, etc. I just prefer being silent, thinking, and listening to what others say. Only issue is i think certain people see this as weird or something. I hate the fact that being yourself is something you can’t truly reveal, or have to fake your personality. Sure, no ones forcing you to, but sometimes it’s  the only way. But it sucks.",moderate
dev_pid_453,"How can I help my sister with her depression? : My sister confided in me recently that she’s been struggling with really bad depression and anxiety. I’ve gone through the same thing, but am older and have moved out and have the independence needed to get counseling and medication and other things I need. 
She still lives with our parents, though, and is 17. My parents are VERY strong believers that depression doesn’t exist. When I was depressed their solution was to isolate me from the world and tell me to take more vitamins and be more active. While I don’t think they’d be so extreme with her since she is much older than I was, I know enlisting their help in any way will make things worse
Is there any way I can get her the supports she needs? I obviously can’t take her to a counseling center or anything because she’s not my dependent. How can I help my sister before things get worse?",moderate
dev_pid_454,"Does anyone else do absolutely nothing? : Other than going to work/school, does anyone else do absolutely nothing? I’ve lost all interest in my hobbies, LITERALLY cannot sit through a movie anymore (not sure if due to depression or something untreated). Have no desire to watch TV anymore, play video games, etc. I get no pleasure from anything. How can I even fix this if I TRULY don’t get pleasure from anything? My brain is chemically fucked from drug abuse anyway so that’s permanently screwed. Fuck life",moderate
dev_pid_455,"just a stupid rant : i. dont. fucking. want. to.
i dont want to study. i dont want to work. i dont want to learn or love or feel. i dont want to eat. i dont want to sleep. ever. i dont want to exist. i dont want to be conscious. i dont want to talk to anybody. i dont want to die. i dont want to live. i just cant continue doing stuff. ive had it. i dont want to do anything ever. no, not even the good thinigs. i dont want to see nature. i dont want to sing. i dont want to dance. i dont want to create or destroy or change or fucking anything. i just. dont. fucking. want. any. damn. thing. i dont want to cry. or laugh. or even apathetic. i just want to cease to exist suddently. im so tired. im so so so so sos fucking tired of being alive. i just cant anymore. im exhausted. i cannot keep doing things. i dont want anything.
any. fucking. thing.",moderate
dev_pid_456,"I’m 23 : I’m 23 now and I just really wanna die. Like even thinking about existing is killing me rn. I have no access to alcohol or anything of that numbing nature in forever, but I’d love to just get fucked up and die. 
Ugh I’m such a waste of space and resources, I just feel bad for my family",moderate
dev_pid_457,"Life goes on. : Hello everyone from r/depression. 
I wish you all good vibes.
It's always hard to write a text where we are venting, where we are expressing ourselves, especially if we are in a fragile state, emotionally, physically and when we read it after one day or two we might think it was weird, it was dumb to write, but oh well, we wrote it, it was what we were feeling and as such it's a valid thing, it's valid for us to vent, express ourselves.
Well, moving on,
Honestly, my life isn't bad, I don't think so, I have one or two good friends, my family likes me and supports me, I'm healthy, I'm studying. Seems normal, seems good. 
And I have to say I'm much better than when I was before, undoubtedly. 
But I still feel bad.
I'm horrible at making friends, every friend I had was because they approached me first. I haven't made a new friend in years, and I've tried, it just never gets anywhere. Probably because I'm boring, because I'm not very good at talking, who knows, everyone is free to not talk, and I respect that. 
I have zero friends in university, my class is entirely made of girls, and while they're nice and fun, it's really hard for me to talk to them. I want to, but the anxiety of saying something bad, or boring, just completely fills me up.
I can live with almost no friends though, it's fine to me, i had more friends but a bad period of months made me push them away. 
I'm still angry, sad, lost because I lost my best friend, girlfriend I guess, some time ago. It was a bad breakup, but honestly my fault. I should've tried harder in the relationship, I didn't, and that's that. The past is in the past, but it still hurts me. 
I honestly just feel alone, even though I have my family and friends. 
I dont really like living.
I have things that I like doing and make me happy, and make me laugh and I like being with my friends, I like cooking, playing, spending time with my family, but if I had the chance to just dissappear, I would. 
I've never tried suicide, don't think I will. But living isn't really what I like.
I've done a lot of different things, I have my hobbies, I've traveled, I've laughed with friends, go out with them, and still, I return home and while I liked it, I'd die.
I'm not expecting anyone to read this, or comment on this, honestly I think many people write here just to vent, somewhere where others are feeling the same.",moderate
dev_pid_458,"""Work from home so you'll be safe."" : Let me start by saying this post is NOT to slam anyone who's stuck in their homes either by choice or not. There's too much of this going on in this subreddit and that's a whole rant I'll save for another day because it's honestly ticking me off.
What I am going to bitch about though are people, especially the government telling me to work from home to contain the virus. I currently live in NYC which is in full blown hysteria right now. Well guess what? I DON'T have the option to do so and TONS of other people don't.
It's easy to do that when you have a real career that allows you to work remotely, but if you're in a shitty, barely above minimum wage at best job like the rest of us, we simply can't. We're putting ourselves at risk constantly because we can't afford to lose out on even a day of pay and we're lucky if we even get vacation days at all!
Not everyone has the luxury of doing this and I can guarantee that the people getting sick are mainly the working class people. This shit's getting depressing and I feel even more like a loser for not having a real career than I did before.",moderate
dev_pid_459,Anyone else not share their problems with other people? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_460,"Surrounded by people, but still alone. : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_461,"My life sucks, what do I do? : I am struggling through school right now in hopes that one day I have a stable job. But school is stressful, and work will be even more so. So why continue? There’s literally nothing more going on in my life than that. I’d love to change that, but what am I supposed to do?",moderate
dev_pid_462,"A better life : I feel sad because it has always been my dream to live in Japan. It sounds cliche, I know.
I moved to Tokyo when I was 19 and lived there for almost 7 years. I started a family, had kids, everything. But my marriage was not working out, wages in Japan were very low compared to my potential in the US, I’m crushed by student loan debt, and I was unhappy, so I returned to the US with my kids.
Now I’m a single mother in the US and I’m trying to start a new career in health care. But I always feel sad that my dream never worked out. 
I’m doing a bit better in the US now that I’m out of a bad relationship. I’ve started to gain weight again because I’m not starving myself, and I’m doing better financially. However I still feel empty. I’m sad that my childhood dream didn’t work out. I also feel that this is a bit selfish of me though. 
Idk why I’m even posting this haha. Just trying to get feelings out I suppose.",moderate
dev_pid_463,"lifelong depression : im a 16 year old girl with chronic/severe depression. i started writing suicide letters when i was 7 in broken crayons. i remember yelling at myself in my head for not being able to make a pretty spiral on the sidewalk with my chalk set, and i always felt like i deserved the scrapes i would get on my fingers from the pavement because my chalk spirals weren't as pretty as my babysitter's. at 10 years old i had a lot of meltdowns about being a burden to my parents, and an annoying friend. this is still a very big thing for me. i moved from oregon to illinois almost 3 years ago now and i hate it here. i recently lost all of my friends due to my ""best friend"" who turned out to only hang out with me out of pity. i never saw it coming. he was always so kind to me and i would remind him that he should be honest with me about our friendship  and tell me if there was ever anything i could improve on. he never did. he left me out of the blue without any explanation of why, and i spiraled into further self-loathing about how i was a mess up in every aspect. i was hospitalized a few weeks later. nothing helped. i feel even more like i should bottle things up and find a way to end it all so i don't burden anyone ever again. i don't know what to do anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_464,"Depression made me the monster I was always afraid of becoming : And I didn’t even know it until it was too late.
Just in January I finally moved out of a toxic and abusive home. I finally started a job that I was proud of and happy with. I still had one of the most amazing, loving pets in my life. In February, the company let go of my whole department. In March, I finally had to put my childhood pest friend (Tiger) to rest. This week, I started a new job and I have stopped crying mornings and nights because the pay is awful and the workload is immense and no other jobs I’ve applied to have reached back out. Now, I’m going to lose my apartment because I can’t afford it. Today, my manager at my second job said she’s considering closing up for a few weeks and I literally rely on that paycheck to pay for my car. 
Less than 60 days, my life has turned upside down. I got so depressed and got so drunk from gin at a D&D session that I threatened to harm or kill my self in front of my party and I don’t even remember. And you know what’s scary? I wished I would have done something about it later when I wasn’t in my right mind to think about it.
Today sitting in the shower I realized that I have become the one thing I was always afraid of: toxic. My mental health has deteriorated past the point of salvaging. I hadn’t noticed how nasty, rude, dissociative, and standoffish I’ve been to people until I realized that one text from my mother nearly sent me off the deep end of packing my bags tonight and leaving to go camp alone or just go to the beach and drown. What the fuck? Who fucking does that? 
I randomly deactivate my social media accounts just to see who would notice. I try listening to my therapist but things she says makes me so mad or make me realize things that are so out of control in my life that I just give up and sink down into nothing instead of trying to fix it (but also what’s the point?)
I’ve come home every day to lie in bed and watch videos until i sleep. I nearly broke down crying in the grocery store today from how overwhelmed I was and the intrusive thoughts in my head are growing worse and worse and worse.
I’m a failure. The world is literally ending. None of the mental health methods I’ve tried have been successful at helping me. I just get worse every year. I don’t contribute to society in any healthy way. Even my physical body is shit and iv been in and out of doctors office and hospitals for the amount of pain I’m in regularly with no answers.
I just want it to stop.",moderate
dev_pid_465,I can’t standing anymore : I try every fucking day to be ok.. I’m just found from one day to another surviving every day I have anxiety I’m completely alone and when someone show me some help they finally go away.. I want to cry but my family is here and I can’t look like the weak person because they are having some exomony issues..,moderate
dev_pid_466,Next month is my birthday and I am struggling to keep myself together. : My previous birthday I ran out of my mother's house. She abused me for 8 years. I then proceed to live with father. He is a good father in my eyes. My next birthday is going to mark a year of living with my father. I didn't feel anything. I don't know what to do. Any advice?,moderate
dev_pid_467,I'm okay rn : I try to drink alcohol only when I feel I really need it. I got the urge to drink some right now but instead I just drank enough water to make me reject taking any liquid. Go figure lol,moderate
dev_pid_468,"Can’t tell if I’m maturing or just severely depressed... : I’m 22, and for the past 5 months, my friends have been asking me to come to their parties or go to the bars with them and I just don’t go. Even pretty girls are telling me they miss me... but I just haven’t cared. I haven’t drank a sip of alcohol in almost half a year, and I used to be the life of the party, getting shit faced 2 - 3 times a week.
I still see and hangout with my close friends and we don’t drink together or anything so I’m not completely avoiding everyone. I just really don’t have the urge to drink at all anymore, I have no idea why I suddenly stopped caring. Could the Zoloft be changing my brain? Im not joking when I say I used to be the life of the party, due to a lack of respect for myself I really don’t care what other people think of me so when I’d get drunk I’d dance around even when no one else was dancing and I’d whip off my shirt. When my friends tell me they miss me I think they are just shocked that I went from doing that wild shit to avoiding them.
The thought of drinking makes me cringe. I just want to watch anime, relax and pet my cat. I know this happens to everyone eventually, but is 22 too young?",moderate
dev_pid_469,"I get depressed from time to time : I guess it’s because I’m a teenager, I get depressed very often.",moderate
dev_pid_470,"I’m so ridiculously impulsive and I hate it : God idk of my impulsiveness has to do with symptoms of depression but it drives me crazy
I get so depressed or lazy mood that I’m just act on my impulses. Talking to obsessively and creepily horny guys and leading them on, wanting to do drugs, attempting to fuck up relationships or just doing something really stupid just for attention. I normally have enough self control to stop myself from doing these things that are just harmful to myself but I can’t stop myself. I’m doing things now that are on the line of illegal. Everything I do disappoints everyone who looks up to me as a role model. I’m known as a responsible kid with a good future and hard worker. The reality is I’m an immature psycho who acts on pure impulse. I wish I had more control over myself.",moderate
dev_pid_471,"I hate the argument “let go of what you can’t control” : It’s like they want us to stop trying to pursue things that will make us happy. They want us to just sit there and let something happen and worsen our depression. It’s like what the fuck? You want me to be happy but you don’t want me to make an effort to cause/change something that will make me happy? I swear happiness is just a fucking illusion. It’s not real, and these quotes and people who preach this self care bullshit are designed to keep us reaching for something that just isn’t there. Turned into a bit of a rant so I apologize but just...fuck. It’s really bad right now.",moderate
dev_pid_472,"Feeling empty : I don’t even remember what I was like when I was younger. Was happiness an actual thing? I am scared now. Bc I’ve given up on the things I used to dream and look forward too. I feel empty and dead inside. Like a rotting stench that keeps getting worse and worse and worse. Nd I can’t kms Bc I don’t want to. But I don’t get what the purpose of living is. I used to believe in things like love to keep me going but if love isn’t real then what’s the point. If it only lasts a little while what is the point? I used to believe in things, I had faith, but now I feel nothing at all. I feel dead and broken. Nd I don’t even care anymore. I have nothing to look forward too. Weird things calm me down, weird things bring me back to the present. Like cherry blossom trees and the sad sad moments of life. Like dreams. But then it goes all away. Nd I’m left all alone again.",moderate
dev_pid_473,"I have people around me, but I still feel alone : I have a wife, 3 dogs, friends...but I still feel so alone.
So many of my days are spent at home by myself with my dogs as my wife works so much. And I love gaming with my friends online, but none of them are close. The closest is probably 5-6 hours away. It just really gets to me not being able to physically interact with them and talk face to face rather than discord. I don't have any friends from my work. And I don't have neighbors as my wife and I live in a rural area.
I guess I'm just posting this to vent. It feels good i guess to get it off my chest.",moderate
dev_pid_474,"What is he was right? : On mobile so bare with me. 
When I (36m) was in high school I struggled a lot in school. I loved learning but hate the structure of school. Teachers didn’t seem to care I was struggling and my “friends” sure didn’t as they all abandoned me. It got to a point where I was so far behind I wasn’t on course to graduate. Enter my counselor. He called me into his office one day to notify me I was going to graduate. I explained I didn’t enjoy school and how it was hard for me to follow along sometimes. He looked back through my recorded and said it looks like I haven’t been doing well in school for awhile and I agreed. I’ll never forget what he said next. 
“I have felt with losers like you before. You might as well drop out as you’ll never amount to anything in life. “
He said it so matter of fact that it took a second to realize what was just said. I was speechless. I gathered my thing and went home. I told my parents and my mother went to school to talk with him. She came back a hour or so later and told me I was dropping out of school. Apparently he convinced her it was the best thing and she agreed. She told him and the vice principle  off and that was that. 
Later I got my GED and tried to live a “normal” life but that counselors words have stuck with me. 
What if he was right? I’m single, broke, stuck in a dead end job and work way to much. I hardly have friends as I have a hard time letting people close to me. He wasn’t the last person to call me worthless and a loser. What if they have all he right? I have tried to better myself but I feel like a wasted life. Like a chunk of flesh going about the motions of life with no joy or happiness. 
I lay awake at night replaying that day. Hearing those words and I think I might be starting to believe them. Maybe he was right.",moderate
dev_pid_475,"What if he was right? : On mobile so bare with me. 
I lay awake at night replaying that day. Hearing those words and I think I might be starting to believe them. Maybe he was right.",moderate
dev_pid_476,"i feel like i dont belong anywhere or to anyone : i feel like i dont belong to anywhere or anyone and am really done with this life, sometimes I feel like I’m in love with this world, sun and trees and the smell of the sea the rain, But am done with people around me, And I don’t have any power or whatever to deal with people and life",moderate
dev_pid_477,I’m don’t know what to do : I dug myself out of depression a year ago but thoughts still linger there in the back of my head not suicide just negativity like even now when I cry nothing comes out like my eyes are just empty nothing left to cry,moderate
dev_pid_478,"Not eating : I've never starved myself like this. I've had times in depressive episodes when I ate less or nothing for a day (what was considered a normal symptom) but never for multiple days in a row. And I don't know what to do.
I don't want to eat anything anymore. I could easily just order pizza or anything but I don't. I open the app like 2 times a day but instantly close it again. Even drinking is hard. I just don't want to. And I don't know why.
Haven't eaten since Wednesday/Thursday (a few pizza rolls and nuggets someone brought me). But I haven't eaten 4 days before that either. I'm so wasted going to the bathroom is a challenge. I can't walk right anymore and almost pass out when getting up.
This is just a part of my problem. There's way more and way too much (not minding corona. Don't care too much about that. I'm taking care but that's it).
And I wanted to meet w a girl from school this weekend (she's one of two persons I feel comfortable talking to about my problems). I'd get something to eat then cause she does eat (cause she's sane) and probably force me to eat too. What's a good thing.
But cause of Corona her parents prohibited her to go out for a whole week. (What's pointless as the virus won't be gone in a week. It'll be only be spread more...).
So now I'm totally alone. Got nobody to talk and don't eat.
I don't know what I want tbh. But don't tell me that things will get better or anything like that. You don't know me and what I am and have been going through. But I'd appreciate advice or something. If you've been through something similar maybe what helped you eat and stuff. I just don't know what to do.",moderate
dev_pid_479,Help? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_480,"I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live anymore. : Idk... am I suppose to do something... I just can’t feel like doing anything and it’s killing me inside... 
I see everyone living their best life, they’ve got the friends, they’ve got the people around them, they’re making USE of their life. I’m glad for them, but really... would I ever be like them? I know, maybe I’m not proactive enough... but is that it really?
... I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Really, who am I doing anything for. Who I am living for. It just doesn’t seem worth it. I feel like I should just die, and be gone, and no one would care. Yet, I don’t wanna die. I wanna live. What should I do?",moderate
dev_pid_481,"How do I get rid of my depression : I get depressed almost everyday 
This is annoying 
What can I do
😫",moderate
dev_pid_482,"Don't care : This Corona situation makes me want to go out and get infected man. I just don't want to be here anymore. I can't wait to die but I don't think I could do it myself. If I could donate my life to someone that's dying I 100% would do it, no questions asked. I hate waking up and having to live out another day.",moderate
dev_pid_483,"I feel so lonely and I feel like I’ve tried everything I can possibly try to feel better : I’m failing university. I’m awkward af. I can’t see myself be happy in the future. I want there to be someone in my life I can talk to about how I feel, but I don’t have that person. I’m going to end up living by myself with no friends when I’m older. I’ve been like this for years and I finally saw a doctor recently and it was completely pointless, I thought there would be something I could do to get better, but no. It feels like I’ve done everything to fix my laziness and my social anxiety. Every tip I’ve seen online doesn’t work for me.",moderate
dev_pid_484,"Last Summer :    Last summer I went to a local lake with some friends after we took our final exam for the year. I probably shouldn't have gone as I can't swim, but it felt good to be included for once as I'm almost never invited to hang out with them after school.
   We messed around in the water for a bit, but then they wanted to go onto the diving platform that was on the other side of the buoys and jump off it. After doing that, they convinced me that they could get me over the buoys and to the platform despite the fact that that area was too deep for me just to stand in, so needless to say things went awry.
   I had pretty quickly gotten caught in the buoys and had begun to sink while flailing my arms around trying to grab hold onto anything to make me feel secure. And for a second or two, I stopped fighting and enjoyed the feeling of being in the water, I think I even accepted my possible death, maybe even welcomed it. But then they managed to get me back up and over to the safe side.
   Now I find myself thinking about that day. How much better it'd be if I just gave in sooner. How much happier everyone else would be. How much easier it would be.
I wish I had drowned.
I should've drowned.
I should've tried to drown.
   The more I think about it the more I think that the next time something like this happens, I'll just give in. No hesitation. And I can't tell if that scares me or not.",moderate
dev_pid_485,"I just started to write a suicide note. (Might be worth a read) : Now, first I want to clarify, that I have no intention of going through with anything. I've been super severely depressed, for a long time now. Around 4 years. That's around the time I got out of jail, had my own place, good job, a good group of good friends. (I might want to add that prior to going to jail I was in a relationship that destroyed me completly and had I had the means to do so, would have taken my life) anyways, Life was really great. And then I started using heroin. I'm 25 soon. I was, 21-22 at the time. Anyways, things went downhill really quickly as I overdosed not long after getting into it. Did that for a couple months, like 2 or 3, and I got a wake up call (super long story, there's so many things I'll have to leave out of this post so I can save some time) but, I ended quitting cold turkey. And shortly after went on a 2-3 week binge, ended up crashing my car almost killing myself and my friends. (I blacked out behind the wheel) fast forward a little, 2 years ago, from present day, I met a girl. And we had a vibe like I've never vibed with a girl before. It ended up being a mistake. And pretty much ever since then, I find little to no enjoyment in my life. I hate myself. Everything I've done, people, and family I've hurt. There's so much regret and guilt, pain and sorrow. Everything's become stagnant. And I don't think I can ever get out of the rut that I'm in. I barely go outside, or go anywhere really. I don't talk to people much, and I barely see my friends or family anymore. (I just stopped leaving my house) i feel disconnected from this world. From all of the people. The only reason I'm still around is because I know what it would do to my family if I were to take my own life. Because the thought of that brings me enough pain, that the pain that makes me want to die becomes irrelevant. Starting to write a suicide note, was a decision I made in order to vent. But, to actually dig into everything that's deep inside. Everything I've buried over the years. All the secrets. Everything. I got quite a lot of it written actually. And it felt good to release all of what I held inside. I think that was the first time I've actually cried since before going to jail, 4 years ago. In the note, I came to realizations, about myself, and my life. My place in my life. The places that I do belong. I was scrolling through this subreddit and to see everyone, all the people that have alot of the same feelings as me, it makes me so sad. I wish I could help all of you, I hope this post helps alot of you.  Here is something I wrote in my note: ""maybe I'm just stuck in a loop. Searching for answers I'll never find, to questions I'll never know."" Obviously this is a paradox. But I feel like it describes so much. To me, it's like a state of nothingness. A place where even I don't exist. And I just want to say, to whoever might be reading this. Please, don't hurt yourself. I understand the pain, the suffering. Having nothing left. All of it. I get it. But, stay alive. Stay alive for you. Even if you feel like you're not even worth that. Do it harder. For the past you""s. And the future you. Always here if you need someone to lend an ear. Thank you for reading.",moderate
dev_pid_486,"Need a friend? PM me! : I just joined this community looking for support for my boyfriend who i think is depressed but was sad to see so many posts of people asking for help left unanswered. If you want a friend, or just someone to vent to, or you just are bored or whatever, PM me. I'll try to reply! I'm super talkative & will promise to keep the convo going haha, but seriously i'm here if you just want a friend or whatever.",moderate
dev_pid_487,"Who am I? : I don't know where I belong 
Show me the way out 
Take me to your place of harmony 
Maybe I'll ignite my love
Finally 
I don't know why I'm so blind 
What do you see?
Inside of my calamity
I've been so wild
Cause I am only just a lonely child",moderate
dev_pid_488,"I can’t seem to actually have a hobby. : I want to create things and crave doing something else other than using the internet and playing video games for nearly the whole day. However, whenever I try, I feel little attachment or interest in it and would rather go back to scrolling the internet. I just can’t seem to truly find anything meaningful or worthwhile.",moderate
dev_pid_489,"Failures, failures, FAILURES : Okay, so, this needs a bit of background to set it up first, so I'll give it my all.
September of last year, I moved into this neighborhood.  My girlfriend had just broken up with me, so I wasn't depressed, only ""depressed"". I'm almost 14 years old now, btw, which makes this story all the more harder to tell. But anyhow, I hung out with this girl in the neighborhood, and soon, I asked her out. Late October, she moved out, and I had no idea about it until they were long gone. We'd either meet up in the woods, somewhere in the neighborhood, or my house, never her's. She didn't even say goodbye, I was destroyed when I heard about it. But this isn't all.
I actually fell into depression when the next door neighbor kid, my only friend anymore, said that we couldn't hang out anymore, of which the reasons are beyond me. Late December, another girl moved in. I hung out with her for a bit, then she asked me out. This definitely lightened my depression, but not all of it. It was early January when she broke up with me by these exact words, ""YOU DISGUSTING, CONSPIRACIST HOB-GOBLIN! GET OFF OF MY PORCH, YOU VILE CREATURE, I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE THAT FACE EVER AGAIN!"" I was so completely devastated that I cried the rest of that day and through the night. I'd ignore my parents. I'd ignore my few school friends and teachers. This caused my grades to fall, causing constant harassment of my family and teachers, and a huge loss of friends. In late January, she came to my house with a silver ring, a raven. She apologized for her ""nasty"" behavior, and we talked for a while. My parents were out of town, so we went back to my house. We chatted, then we, uh... Uhhhhhhh, this is kinda hard for me",moderate
dev_pid_490,"I turned 20 today : I’ve had the absolute worst past 2 years. I don’t want to get into writing about it all again, but things have actually been getting better lately. And today, on my 20th birthday, a couple of my friends, who I haven’t talked to in months, remembered and wished me a happy birthday. 
I woke up this morning sad as usual, but knowing that they still care at least a little bit, even tho I’ve been too depressed to even talk to them for a long time, makes me feel really good.",moderate
dev_pid_491,"Failure after failure after failure : September of last year, I moved into this neighborhood.  My girlfriend had just broken up with me, so I wasn't depressed, only sad. I'm almost 14 years old now, btw, which makes this story all the more harder to tell. But anyhow, I hung out with this girl in the neighborhood, and soon, I asked her out. Late October, she moved out, and I had no idea about it until they were long gone. We'd either meet up in the woods, somewhere in the neighborhood, or my house, never her's. She didn't even say goodbye, I was destroyed when I heard about it. But this isn't all. I actually fell into depression when the next door neighbor kid, my only friend anymore, said that we couldn't hang out anymore, of which the reasons are beyond me. Late December, another girl moved in. I hung out with her for a bit, then she asked me out. This definitely lightened my depression, but not all of it. It was early January when she broke up with me by these exact words, ""YOU DISGUSTING, CONSPIRACIST HOB-GOBLIN! GET OFF OF MY PORCH, YOU VILE CREATURE, I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE THAT FACE EVER AGAIN!"" I was so completely devastated that I cried the rest of that day and through the night. I'd ignore my parents. I'd ignore my few school friends and teachers. This caused my grades to fall, causing constant harassment of my family and teachers, and a huge loss of friends. In late January, she came to my house with a silver ring, a raven. She apologized for her ""nasty"" behavior, and we talked for a while. My parents were out of town, so we went back to my house. We chatted, then we, this is kinda hard for me, I ate her out. So, the next day, I went over to her house, unannounced. I saw her kiss some other dude, who left after that. I ran home crying, again. And I've been depressed since then, and I've only had 2 friends during this, one of which rejected me twice, and she hangs out with me half out of pity. So here we are, present day. I'll get these headaches at least once a day, and I'll think about my two girlfriends who abandoned and betrayed me. And in my current state of mind, I don't blame them. I've lost all of my friends, I don't feel like my family loves me, my teachers don't care, the few people I've loved sold me out. I wonder if anyone would notice if I just died. I just don't know what to do with myself, and I feel like I've burdened every person I've ever met, and I feel like I should lift those burdens, but I don't have the capacity to do it, which makes me feel like a coward. I just don't know what to do.",moderate
dev_pid_492,"Please don’t leave me alone : I’m 19. 
I’m a sad normal person 
I’m lonely
Plz be my friend",moderate
dev_pid_493,"I got bombarded with bad news today. I'm a barely functioning addict but the bad news isn't about me. : It's about my dad. This is the first time in my life that I've ever reached out for help. I'm the stubborn prick that thinks he can fix everything despite my numerous vices. I hate asking, but would anyone like to chat? I don't want to worry my friends. I'm not contemplating suicide but my coping mechanisms are inherently self-destructive..",moderate
dev_pid_494,"things are looking up. was really happy for a week, but now i'm more demotivated than ever. what gives? : i've been struggling with depression severely for a year now, and it really was justified. had quite the shitty life for a while between family, friends and health. now, however, things are really good! i'm in a household i feel genuinely loves me. i'm getting back to school and friends are all around. even my health is doing well, despite still being kinda wacky. yet, i'm still getting body-slammed by horrid depressive episodes. the happiness of a week soiled within a couple hours of creeping and overwhelming demotivation.   
i guess what i'm looking for is a ""why"" within this all, or any good way to abort a depressive episode when i feel it coming up. i know there is no specific and objective truth, but any help would be welcome.",moderate
dev_pid_495,I really hope I get the corona virus 🤞🏽 : ,moderate
dev_pid_496,"Heartbroken : Im 26 years old. Was addicted to drugs during my former years, heroin/coke, overdosed 3 times. Shouldn't be here. Last time i did dope i was depressed and all i wanted was some relief, some sense of being okay. Some sense of peace. Woke up in an ambulance feeling shook, and fucked up. Depression for me is like a foggy feeling, cant feel joy, can barley smile or laugh. Sometimes i can barley string a sentence together. Have no one to turn to for comfort. Its a stuggle for me dealing with people. I feel alone alot, accompanied with a hole in my chest. Sometimes all i want is for someone to hold me and tell me everythings gonna be okay. I dont wanna die, im still hopeful but in all honesty the struggle to better myself continues and im hopeful because sometimes im genuinely happy to be alive. Its just exhausting. I need to be strong for my family. I dont know why im writing this, theirs so much to say and this cant cover it either way heres some of it and i hope everyones doing okay much love. Good night",moderate
dev_pid_497,"I’m only 20 and my mom is dying of brain cancer, my girlfriend just broke up with me while I’m away taking care of my mom. I just don’t know what to do. : Sorry if it’s a long and shit read, I just need some help 
So a month ago I got a call from my mom, she told me she has stage four brain cancer and has about 2 months to live. I was living on the other side of the country so I moved back to take care of her. 
I’ve barely been able to handle that. I take care of her 24/7, and it’s rough. I do everything around the house, I do everything to take care of her, she doesn’t want any social workers or support so I get to deal with that. It’s fucking hard, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. 
I’ve been trying to do my best, but it’s a struggle to find the motivation and to try and be happy around her. I’m tryn
Then tonight my girlfriend of 3 years breaks up with me. It just really fucking hurts. I’m still in shock and I don’t think I’ve realized yet, but I’m fucking broken. She’s blocked me on everything. She sent me a video of her throwing the ring I got her into the ocean and told me to not even think about getting my stuff back. When she called me she told me to think of all the guys she going to fuck tonight because she’s going to a party. So that just kinda haunts me. 
It wasn’t a great relationship but I I just really needed her, I really didn’t need this to happen right now, but I fucked up so bad. I had this coming, but i was too fucking stupid and fucked it all up. I feel like such a failure and a pathetic loser for doing this. I don’t even know why I did it. I just don’t fucking know. 
I’m fucking broken because of this, and I know I’m not going to get her back. I just don’t know how I’m going to deal with this and my moms death at the same time. 
I smoked a fuck ton of weed, but even that’s not helping. I don’t want my mom seeing me like this, but I just don’t know what I can do. 
I just need someone to talk to but I have zero fucking friends, I’ve got my two brothers and my mom who’s about to die. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this alone, and idk how the fuck to make friends. So I’m just fucked. Uh",moderate
dev_pid_498,"I think a tornado might have ‘cured’ my depression. : Around the past 10-12 months or so I had been battling depression: I had lack of motivation, losing weight due to not eating, grades suffered, etc. My house was one of many that were destroyed in the Nashville tornado outbreak on March 3. I was I side the house as I watched my roof being ripped off and felt the lift from the tornado, but oddly, I wasn’t afraid. I thought to myself, this is the end, I truly accepted and even embraced death. I kept telling my mom I loved her. But miraculously my family and I survived. 
Here is the kicker, since the tornado happened I have been eating more, feeling motivated, all that... it makes no sense... I had legitimately accepted death and 100% thought I was going to die, but the past 10 days I have only felt a small part of my previously, in my opinion, heavy depression. 
Thoughts?",moderate
dev_pid_499,"I should be dead : living in 2020 doesn't feel right, i had a deadline to kill myself before 2020 and i attempted to kill myself, but didn't succeed. i should be dead, it doesn't feel right at all and i shouldn't exist anymore",moderate
dev_pid_500,"I stopped caring. My body and mind are shutting down. Whatever comes next doesnt matter. My life wad absolute garbage. : I am not killing myself but i stopped caring about getting money or a girlfriend or having a social life or everything. I stopped caring about everything. The wotld is falling apart, it is just a matter of days when coronavirus finally find me. I am even feeling a bit sick right now. All the flase promises i was told growing up. ""You will find someone who loves you"" ""you will change the world"" ""life is worth living""
The show is over. I am living the extra minutes.",moderate
dev_pid_501,"I don't want to it this alone. : I know in the long terms things will be OK but right now with this coronavirus blowing through I feel extra lonely. Just how nice it would be to have someone here with me to face this with.
I hope everyone is kind to themselves during this time and that people reach out to you.",moderate
dev_pid_502,"Being alone is going to be really hard. : I know in the long terms things will be OK but right now with this Coronavirus blowing through I feel extra lonely. Just how nice it would be to have someone here with me to face this with. I'm stuck in my apartment on my own with working from home and people doing social distancing. 
I hope everyone is kind to themselves during this time and that people reach out to you.",moderate
dev_pid_503,"How do you survive life when you're the unlucky one? : Trick question you don't because the world doesn't give a shit if you fall through the cracks. I want to be put out of my misery, that is all",moderate
dev_pid_504,"I don't think I'm cut out for adult life in this world : I'm currently a 20 year old student studying the health side of biological sciences (I don't want to say exactly what as there isn't many on my course and don't only one with my name and I'm paranoid a professor will recognize me lol)... 
I had an interview for a placement year today at a world leading organisation and it went pretty well and I was fine, but then I got home (after a 3 hour train ride) and skip forward to now and it's 03:50am which isn't late for me as I just don't sleep at night and I'm just completely anxious.
There was nothing to put me off the organisation earlier, it seemed brilliant but I'm hoping they phone and say I'm not really what they are looking for... why? Because I just don't think I'm suited for adult life or anything really, I just do not think I can do it. 
I'm not lazy at all but I just can't ever see myself getting a job and working 40 hours a week, especially in my area of expertise, yeah I'm good at it and knowledgeable on the areas involved and I like it but I can't see myself doing it for 40 hours a week every week for 47 years. I would much rather actually do a menial job such as my old part time job stacking shelves, a job where thinking isn't required and I can just stand there and do a repetitive task all day and be off in my own world.
But ideally I wouldn't have a job at all and I'd live in a small hut in the woods or on a farm or even on a boat somewhere away from the troubles of real life somewhere where you don't have to worry. I just don't see the point in spending your whole life working to just die someday and it all be meaningless and your forgotten there just is no point 
I don't even want to complete this shitty degree but I'm in too deep it's already been 2 years it's to late to leave now and it would disappoint my family, the only reason I do anything these days is to avoid disappointing other people. I've always been an inherently sad and pessimistic person but now I just don't think there is anything but pessimism left.
I don't even know why I'm writing this shit to be honest no one is going to read this much writing it's more for me really, it's something to do other than talk to myself in the mirror 
You know what's tragic too? I would rather be depressed than go to the doctors because a prescription would cost £10 a month and I don't think it's worth it and I can't really afford it either to be honest, but I can't get it for free because I don't fall into that bracket.
My lack of motivation due to the fact we all die anyway isn't helped by the fact that I don't think I'll live past 30 and am always diagnosing myself with new conditions (currently a brain tumour, last week it was kidney failure) so I figure if I've only got 10 years to live what am I doing here wasting time, I feel like my life hasn't even started yet 
I took mdma a couple of months ago and Just sat in my flat and it was the best experience of my life but my anxiety stops me doing it again because I'm convinced I'll die if I do so that's fun
I'm really sorry if anyone has actually read this random rambling, sorry for wasting what little time you have 
TLDR: we all die in the end so what's the point in doing shitty jobs and shitty university when it's just making you miserable and I would rather just live on a boat and travel around aimlessly and be alone",moderate
dev_pid_505,"Alone. : Hi, I don't usually post on Reddit (or anywhere for that matter) but this community seems sweet enough, so here is my current state :)
I feel really alone, I know there are other people out there who feel the same way I do but I can't help but feel I really am alone. I'm currently in high school and I've been home-schooled my whole life (thanks to my mother's fear that the public school would turn be rebellious) I didn't have many friends growing up, and the ones that lasted now dislike me and want nothing to do with me. I can't seem to figure out how people become friends, and why I'm so bad at it. When you're home everyday barely getting out you almost forget what it's like to be around people. When you're isolated it feels like you're the only one on this lonely earth. I also can't seem to hold a conversation, irl friends/internet friends I'm bad with both. I know having friends isn't the golden solution to my sadness but I wish that someday I could have a friend who actually cares about me.",moderate
dev_pid_506,"everybody has abandoned me because a friend manipulated them against me. : for info, i am sixteen years old and have struggled with severe depression + suicidal thoughts since i was about nine. last year, i found a friend group who truly cared and loved me, who then quickly turned on me because i was apparently “manipulative” and another old friend decided to turn them all against me, so i lost fourteen friends in the span of a week (that girl, who i’ll call marie, made up with me last week though. so her and i are fine). then a few days ago, i got into an argument with my best friend over a shirt, which she called me a lying bitch and swiftly blocked me on everything, then told people what happened and turned them against me. i don’t know what to do anymore, they all fucking destroyed me and i don’t have anything to live for except my cat, but he’s really old and is dying, so i won’t have him much longer. his love was all i needed and he’ll be taken from me soon. i don’t know what to do reddit. i apologized to all of them and changed but they still left me.",moderate
dev_pid_507,When asked... What are your hobbies? How do you find hobbies in your depression? : Ummm sleep. I haven’t had hobbies I actually enjoy in so long so I just lie and say what I did in high school. I’ll go out and try those things alone  as I have nobody to go with  and I always end up having a dreadful time. How do you find new hobbies in your depression?,moderate
dev_pid_508,"I haven't had a genuine interest in 10 years : I don't know if this is a common symptom of depression or not but I can't do anything. And I mean anything. I want to have a hobby, I want to enjoy things but I just can't. I can't even watch Netflix without wanting to just turn it off and go to sleep. I don't even want to sleep, I just want to not be bored anymore. I don't know what to do and I can't function anymore, if I can't enjoy my time away from work then I don't know why I'm alive anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_509,"A list of thoughts : I want to go home
I want to dissapear
I want to be invisible
I feel trapped
I don't fit anywhere
I don't want to be here
I just want to sleep
I just want to run away
I want out
I want to just die
I can't do anything right
I cry myself to sleep every night
I'm ashamed of my depression
Nobody understands me
I can't live without you
I feel too damn much
Leave me alone (but don't, pease)",moderate
dev_pid_510,"I’m having a pretty rough night : I don’t know what I need, I usually don’t reach out for support because I was raised that men don’t show emotion ever but ever since I woke up I’ve been on the verge of a panic attack.  I tried to watch some YouTube and play video games but it’s not helping, I talked to my parents and told them I’m on the verge of giving up, we talked for well over an hour and I still feel like I should just end this shit. 
I got myself caught in the system, I was a heavy weed smoker and one night picked up 2 grams and 2 pain pills so I could relax for the night. I wasn’t addicted to pain pills because I’ve been down that road, went to rehab till they accused me of shooting up my suboxone when I was 5 motherfucking months sober, my parents know needles are one of my biggest fears but I was so distant and drugged out that they even sided with the doctor till I proved my point that I was being accused of straight up bs. When I got caught with the weed and pills I was 100% sober and the cop accused me of being high so now I have to fight a fucking dui when I wasn’t even high. 
I feel like I could save a lot of time and money by ending this shit, I want to stay alive for my mom my dad my grandma and my pup but it’s to the point I’m feeling like I’m starting to lose touch with reality, I started seeing patterns on the carpet when I stare at it for too long and even going almost a month without smoking and  I still can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t sleep without benedryl or melatonin and I limit myself to only getting drunk every other night. I’m sick of this shit, my parents won’t let me leave the house and go for a drive to clear my head so I barely even get sunlight which I feel is making me even more depressed. I’ve had thoughts about self harming the last two nights just so I can feel something. I don’t know what to do, I’m seeing a psychologist next week to hopefully get medicine to balance me out but I’m honestly sick of trying, it feels like everytime I start doing better I’m back to square one. I’m at the point where I feel like ending everything because whatever happens when we die would be a better alternative to this. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind, my own house, I can’t do a fucking thing. My lawyer said the charges I got were bs and he can probably get them dropped but I still get treated like a criminal. 
My parents want me to start going to bed on a normal sleep schedule but I don’t want to be awake, I usually sleep at 4-6 am and try to sleep the day away. My parents are working with me and want to help, I said I want to look into a service dog so when I’m on the verge of a panic attack like this I’d have something to keep me calm and help me out but they said “you’ll get a service greyhound” a fucking hyper, tiny, greyhound. I have a greyhound now and he doesn’t want anything to do with me unless I have food or pet him. I really want a golden retriever since I have worked with a few and they are the kindest little pups ever but it feels like nobody gives a shit what I want or need.",moderate
dev_pid_511,"Struggling student, grief, and now I can’t the help I need because my university health/counseling center is closed. : Hi, all. So, in case you couldn’t tell, I’m struggling. A lot. (21F)
So, this semester has been rough. I’m failing and doing poorly in my classes, which I normally don’t do. I’m incredibly upset and disappointed in myself because I’m set to graduate in the fall, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to. I just don’t want to be a disappointment.
While I’m doing better today, I’ve had a rough time grieving the loss of a prominent figure in my life to suicide. It’s made me quite sad, and I can’t seem to stop thinking about it.
I went to my university’s nursing center, and we had an appointment scheduled today to discuss medication options and counseling options for severe depression/anxiety symptoms. Our campus closed due to the virus pandemic, so I can’t get the help I need. I’m too worried to seek help when I get home - my mom has typically tried to keep me from medicine for mental health because she thinks I don’t need it. I’m just really struggling, and the thought of having to go home and pretend like I’m doing great in school and emotionally is so stressful. I also plan on staying with my fiancé this upcoming week. I’m so ready to see him, but I also don’t want to be a downer the whole time I’m with him.
I guess everything in the world is just overwhelming. I’m also a music major, and my senior voice recital that was scheduled for Tuesday was cancelled, in addition to my other choir performances and music fraternity events, and it’s been quite a shock to my system. I hate that my mental state has made me struggle to enjoy making music, and now I’m sad to know that I may not get to perform with my ensembles for the rest of the semester, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to have a recital. My birthday is Tuesday too, and I feel like I won’t even be able to enjoy it.
I’m sorry if this was a lot, or if it seems like I’m being negative over small things. Thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far.",moderate
dev_pid_512,Hey I just wanted to ask : How do I become not as depressed? I know it’s kinda weird but I just wanted to know how I can be less depressed I guess?,moderate
dev_pid_513,"I have been struggling recently... : I’m 20 years old, my girlfriend just broke up with me, my dad left when I was 13 because he was arrested for drug charges, and my mother is suffering from brain cancer. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. My friends have all left me, I find no joy in anything anymore and I am completely lost.",moderate
dev_pid_514,I made a promise not to kill myself but I dont jnow if I can keep it. : I promised in highshcool not to kill myself until after I turned 25. Idk If im going to make it. 309 more days and I dont know if ill even last that long. I truly hate myself so much...,moderate
dev_pid_515,"Seasonal depression : U know I had this, I still do, I have my seasonal depression in the summer. Normally ppl have it in the summer but for me I hate the summer and it just deeply shows because it’s hard to wear less clothing I hate the heat too and in general it makes me really depressed 
but, ever since last summer I didn’t get better I still felt like shit. And all these months I’ve just been so tired and less motivated. And it’s all minor damage but I feel this summer is gonna be just as bad as the last where I get mute, super tired, hurt to walk, simple task get annoying, self harming every other day, isolate myself completely for 2 months. It sucks cuz everyone knows oh he just leaves during the summer time and doesn’t hang or text, thought that’s true I’m really dying but they can’t know. it’s just be weird.",moderate
dev_pid_516,I decided I will end my life on a Saturday — but I don't know which one this will happen /: : ,moderate
dev_pid_517,welp I went to the doctor’s and spoke about how I felt and i’m so happy i’m getting help : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_518,"How do I take my mind off of job searching? : I'm getting so tired of unemployment. It's vicious, because there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Plenty of jobs out there, I'd love to do, but they won't even consider me, because I'm fresh out of college and don't have much experience. I've worked my ass off for years sacrificing days, nights, weekends, sleep, my sanity. I'm at the point where I'm going after jobs requiring a high school diploma. And yet, they still want tons of experience. How do you even get experience when everything requires experience? I just don't even know what to do anymore beside sit in a corner and cry.",moderate
dev_pid_519,"I can't find joy in anything, I keep trying and failing. : I can't seem to find joy in anything. Sometimes I'll feel great mentally but still have an overwhelming sense of apathy and boredom constantly. I don't know what to do about it. I just lay in bed all the time bored out of my mind, or asleep. At least I have a job now that distracts me from my life. But if I can't find joy in my free time I'm not sure why I'm alive.",moderate
dev_pid_520,"Easier to lie : I'm exhausted from telling the truth. Telling what I really feel and what I'm going through. How difficult it is. How lonely it is sometime. I keep telling myself that sharing to those who I trust is a good thing -- but it's not. 
All those words, promises, from others are just lies. They'll forget their own words and will just hurt you again and again. I know everyone is tired. I know everyone is stressed. How is it that I can't feel tired when everyone can?
I didn't ask for this kind of mental state. I didn't want to be in this mental state. I guess it's easier to lie saying ""I'm fine,"" or making myself look ""happy."" It's easier to fake your happiness than to be truthful of what pains you.
I've probably vented too much on this subreddit and I think I should just keep myself quiet from now on. It's difficult and probably impossible but I really do hope everyone of you will have a good day, one day.",moderate
dev_pid_521,"I plan on killing myself tonight : I don't know what I want. I don't know if I even have a reason to be alive. I really made a massive fuck up and I'm not willing to say what it is. But needless to say it cost me my gf, happiness, GPA, family's approval and much more. I've tried and gotten so close to killing myself 3 times in the past month. I should've pulled through. I should be dead. I don't k ow what stopped me. I don't know why I was so stupid. I have nothing left in my life and all I want is to be dead but I just can't bring myself to do anything and I'm pissed off. I don't know what to do.",moderate
dev_pid_522,"First and last post : I don’t know if I’m feeling depression or if something deep inside of me just craves the attention I have never received before, but I just need to vent. Since the age of 4 my mother would work 14 hour shifts every single day and the only other people who could take care of me were abusive. My brother would physically assault me with punches and with finger penetration of my Rectum, and when I was left alone with my sister she would lock me in the closet so that she could go out with her friends and my mother would arrive at 2 am with me soiled and scared in the closet. I promised myself to never allow myself to be that weak again so I distanced myself from everybody to better myself. As I grew my family became closer to god, but quite the opposite happened to me. I didn’t feel that a god could exist that would allow kids to go through such hardships. They constantly tried to apologize for their behavior, but it’s just things that I will never forget, they ruined my perspective on life and completely ruined any future relationships I would have with people. Throughout high-school I made my family very aware that I would leave the very first opportunity I received because I didn’t feel comfortable around them. I signed a contract to join the military when I was 17, but before I left I managed to get my first ever girlfriend. Amazing girl, great heart and beautiful as can be. She instantly made me regret signing my contract, but the deed had been done. I left to basic training on the month of my 18th birthday, and although leaving my new love was very hard, I was ecstatic to be away from such a toxic family. Throughout basic training I would stay up past lights out just to write her a letter and a poem every night, at that time I knew I would marry this girl. (I know so cliche to marry your first love in the military) I would go visit this girl every 6 months, and I ended up getting her pregnant on one of these trips back home, unfortunately for us, I was 18 and she was 17. We wanted to wait for her to turn 18 before we involved the government in any type of family movement, but once she turned of age it was too late to try to get her to live with me. I was doing an overseas tour and I was told to wait for my tour to be over. I missed a year and a half of my sons life, and throughout my tour I felt like an empty shell. I would talk to nobody, I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t exercise. I would just work and go home. Maybe it was the distance, or maybe it was all my emotional issues getting in the way, but my feelings for this girl weren’t the same, and I felt like the only thing saving me from doing anything stupid to myself was the fact that I had my baby boy waiting for me at home. I just got home last week, and this boy is amazing. He makes me feel like I have never felt before, but every now and then there’s just a switch in my head that reminds me that I’m just living a lie. Even then I would never leave him, I just couldn’t. I wouldn’t let him be raised without a father like I was. His mom is amazing and we’re still together, and I feel like it’s my fault for not telling her about my mental state, but she isn’t the most supportive person in the world when it comes to my emotions. It’s just really hard to explain to her how I’m feeling because most of the time I don’t even know how I’m feeling. Today she playfully touched my Rectum even though I’ve told her  plenty of times that I don’t like that, and I just got furious and upset because it reminded me of my past experiences and I almost broke down. I later brushed it off as if it were nothing, but I feel like there should be no reason for me to justify something I’ve told her not to do. She then pulled an innocent cheating prank on me on the span of 3 hours that really got me upset so we both went to separate rooms to cool off. I was over it so I walked into the room with our kid ready to make amends before all hell broke loose. Mind you, I just landed from Europe 5 days ago and I am still a bit jet lagged so I was really looking to take a nap, but as soon as I stepped in she asked me why I brought my son in if he wasn’t ready to go to sleep, he still wanted to sleep. I told her to take him out if she would like to because I was very tired, and she just angrily stormed out reminding me how useless I am for not taking care of my kid. I haven’t had the practice of being a dad and I completely agree with her statement, I just feel like a piece of shit. Sometimes I just feel like it would be better for my son to just get a cut of my life insurance instead of having me around and just get all
Of this over with. I’m just not made for this and I really just feel like there’s nothing I can provide for my sons future. I’m Sorry that this is just a long run on sentence with not a lot of details, but I just needed to vent to somebody. Anybody. Thanks for reading, but I won’t be replying to this. Hopefully the rest of you aren’t as stubborn as me. Reach out for help",moderate
dev_pid_523,"How do I go about getting help? : I currently live with my parents, I dont have a car, I'm on there insurance. And they dont believe in therapy
I've never really felt happy with my life even in the happiest of times. I'm not really suicidal or anything, I wouldn't end my life but most of the time I wish I didn't exist. 
My gf just told me the we needed to go on a break, and it's made everything feel much worse
How do I get help?",moderate
dev_pid_524,Im simultaneously on cloud 9 and in hell : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_525,’m in a wheelchair and feel like giving up : I don’t even know where to start I guess my disability I can’t walk obviously wheelchair I have feelings in my legs and everything but I just can’t balance well anyway there’s no a day that goes by that I don’t just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up but I guess you’re wondering why well the real question is why wouldn’t I I pretty much go to school come home play games with friends sometimes and that’s it I feel stuck I’m 17 I want a car but getting a car that would work for me is a pain like you wouldn’t believe and a LOT of money to so I’m stuck home but the biggest thing for me is I want a girl friend I’m 17 and I’ve never had one I know sad right never even kissed a girl and don’t get me wrong I’m not and extrovert I’m fairly “popular” I have a tone a friends and I’m not uncomfortable around girl either I just don’t ever get the chance to talk to them besides occasionally the ones in my friend group that pretty much all have boyfriends my friends😂 I can’t even think of any girls I like because I don’t do anything besides come home sleep go to school and on top of that is hard for me to do something simple like put a plate in the sink just really simple stuff that’s 1000 times harder for me I just don’t feel like this world isn’t made for me and if it wasn’t for my parents I wouldn’t be here anymore sorry if you read all this I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore just kinda trying to getting off my chest everyone thinks I’m happy I just don’t tell people my problems because I don’t want to make them depressed,moderate
dev_pid_526,Need someone to talk to : How do you do if your partner pushes you away? Hes in US army. I think hes suffering from depression. Hes not opening up to me about hes problems and hes telling me that he doesn’t want to involve me in his conflicts. What am I gonna do?,moderate
dev_pid_527,"I’m lying to myself : I’ve been rather disappointed with myself and how much of a disappointment I am to my parents and friends, I worry I annoy them which makes me sad and when they try to help I just say I am tired, if my parents ask how my day went I just say good, never going into detail, I just feel like I cause everyone pain and that I am a burden because I’ll be visibly sad but lie about it, I can’t feel normal I always fell like shit at the end of the day so why bother telling them, it’s not like the meds make me feel better",moderate
dev_pid_528,"relapse : man i stoped with the meds in the start of this years, and alchool and other drugs i quit early 2019, but these days i feel cant take this anymore, just took a bunch of meds and im high af rn, i wish i could face this a better way but i dont think i can. this is the only take that can me feel better
idk if this post make must sense, i cant really think and write better rn, so im just sorry ill prob delete this soon, im really sorry
I hope i could deal it this a better way but i clearly cant
at least i know the way im going out
sorry if this sound stupid, i just wanted to write something here, but i clearly cant think about something better to write rn",moderate
dev_pid_529,"I'm ruining my life : I have everything: friends, mom, girlfriend and i study well, but something seems off. I am not satisfied with my life and can't be happy. Yeah, I feel good sometimes, but I'm not happy. There's always this thought, that I could do better, that I don't deserve this life. People care about me, they reach their hands to me, but I can't reach back. There's so many dark thoughts in my head and I think if I continue to be like that I'm gonna lose everything and everyone. Please help me.",moderate
dev_pid_530,How do you not only survive college but achieve what you actually want when you’re depressed and suffering from mental illnesses? : I’m a student in uni and depression makes my life so hard and I get even more depressed by it. Grade is dropping because I literally can’t focus on anything and my memory is deteriorating. I have like very average gpa but can’t even get a summer internship or look into grad school I really wanna go because what I have is not enough. I know I can do better but I don’t know what I can do when I’m even having hard time taking my meds every day. I just feel so dead inside. I’m constantly telling me that I can do better and the fact that I know that is killing me.,moderate
dev_pid_531,How do you not only survive college but also achieve what you want when you’re depressed and has other mental illnesses? : I’m a student in uni and depression makes my life so hard and I get even more depressed by it. Grade is dropping because I literally can’t focus on anything and my memory is deteriorating. I have like very average gpa but can’t even get a summer internship or look into grad school I really wanna go because what I have is not enough. I know I can do better but I don’t know what I can do when I’m even having hard time taking my meds every day. I just feel so dead inside. I’m constantly telling me that I can do better and the fact that I know that is killing me.,moderate
dev_pid_532,"Rage : Hello people of Reddit,
I just want to rant for a bit, and see if anyone can relate or give me advise. Lately my job has gone to complete shit and it is driving me CRAZY! The people here are smug, filthy, pigs and I don't know how long I can take it.
I am currently a janitor at a ""Flavor Producing"" plant. I don't work for the shit company, I work for a contractor. I've had many incidents recently where I had to hold back the urge to beat the shit out of people. The things these people do, they smear shit everywhere spit on the floor, piss everywhere, throw broken glass shards and liquid in the trash cans. They complain about their budget, yet they have pizza parties almost everyday, constantly buying food! But oh, there's this one asshole I call king Chris cause he thinks he's the fucking shit! 
This mother fucker is a lying piece of shit! I've only met the cunt once, maybe twice, a few days ago I went to clean the production office piggy play land where fucko' works and decide to be nice (gotta make our company look good) and say "" hello, how are you?"" The piece of shit ignores me and stares dead at me walks out and slams his door! Oh I'm sorry I tried to be nice and insulting the queen boo hoo!
I work along with my mother, and I'm already angry seeing the shit she has to clean, now the smug asshole is making it his mission to lie to our boss and try to get us fired.
If I could get away with it without our company losing they're one big contact, I'd kick his fucking ass!
I want to go back to school, I'd love to get a stay at home job so bad! I truly can't stand  a lot of people. I don't understand how people can be so full of themselves.",moderate
dev_pid_533,"Everything just $%^#ing sucks ... : I'm 35 years old.
From the time I was able to remember until this very second,
I've always been taunted and made fun of.
Being Asian-American and born and raised in a predominantly white neighborhood, I was always stuck out like a sore thumb.
No one ever had any faith in me. Everyone always had negative criticism. My family always thought of me as a failure, and it all caused me to have the lowest self-esteem imaginable. Life wasn't ever easy. Being sad at all times I'm awake, I have to keep my mind occupied and distracted by video games or movies or television so I don't think about how much I haven't accomplished anything in life. Only when I sleep do I get to escape reality and dive into the nothingness, but with all the anxiety I can't sleep without taking a bunch of zzzquil or unless my body and mind are just to exhausted to keep my eyes open. No one understands the pain I'm suffering, and they want to push their agenda on me. They don't understand that I've been conditioned to only know failure. They don't understand that I will never become successful at anything I try to do in life. They just think I'm not trying hard enough, but every time I've ever tried at anything, I've only been rejected and condescended. I'm just so done with all the mess. I do what I can to survive. I can't take any more. I'm so sick and tired of it all. I just want to disappear. I just wish everything would end. I wish God would strike me with lightning and just let me go. I'm sick of living. I hate the world. I hate humanity. Everyday, all I encounter is stupidity and morons.",moderate
dev_pid_534,"Everything is always the same : Everything in my life it's always the same, every day i come at my home, leve my things and go to the bed until my mom come back from work, it's been this like a year, always the same thing, I don't know what to do, I've recently feel worst. Last year i have a relationship with a girl to close to me, and things don't go well and we stop talking, but in the last couple of months we started to talk again, and it seems to was everything alright, until the last week, she was doing her homework and i tried to help her, but we don't finished at time, and she pissed off, she yelled me, she call me a lazy and told me that she was lost time to waiting me to go to home (we live really close) in context we are studying the architecture school, but she doesn't like, she would like to be a writer not an architect, and i tried to comprehend her, it has to be to hard put attention in something that doesn't like, but why she needs to take it out with me?  I don't text her since that day, i don't want to talk again to her, but i miss her so much, am i dum or something? Why i want to stay with someone that doesn't care about me, i feel to, i have enough with my insecurities, i don't need someone to tell me things that i already know",moderate
dev_pid_535,"feeling weirdly healthier physically even though my mental health is the worst it has ever been? : First time posting but idk i wanted to see if anyone else has experienced this. Like i’m eating maybe like 2 salads a day because food used to comfort me but not it’s like all my taste buds are numbed. I just don’t sleep (or get like 4 hours of me becoming half awake, hallucinating then getting so panicked i force myself up again)  so i run really hard at like 1 am where nobody can see me. It feels like a smog cloud is over my whole head and I can’t think proper thoughts unless it is thinking of killing my self or realizing what a horrible person i am, this distracts me from binge eating or eating when i’m not hungry. I wanna cry all the time cause i get like 10 seconds where i suddenly feel everything crash into me at once, so i drink water cause you apparently can’t cry when drinking water (so i’ve been told).",moderate
dev_pid_536,I wanna be happy : No matter what I do or who I hang with good friend or not they are always happy and energetic but I'm always sad I have an amazing girlfriend and great friends but I'm always sad and cant help it idk what I'm supposed to do and only think I should die only reason I havent is bc of my girlfriend she is the only thing keeping me around why do people go on living when they arent happy and is there something I'm missing that could help me be happy?,moderate
dev_pid_537,"I need help : Everything is messed up. Please give me some reassuring words just tell me it will be okay. I messed everything up and I’m so afraid. I can’t control my anxiety at all lately, Please tell me how to get better",moderate
dev_pid_538,"It blows my mind how easily women can get laid : There's this girl at work that everyone wants to get with and so far as far as I know she's slept with 3 people from work.  It blows my mind how easily she can get laid and how she just has her pick of who she wants to sleep with.  
I haven't been laid in over a year despite my best efforts.  And she's out there getting laid as often as she wants, multiple times a week.  And no one seems to think less of her for sleeping around.  Everyone still wants to get with her. 
It blows my mind that one of my larger problems in my life is something that most women have never even had to worry about.",moderate
dev_pid_539,I hate feeling the hush when people see my name : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_540,I WANT TO CRY BUT CANT. I FEEL NOTHING. ITS FUCKING KILLING ME. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_541,"Why???????????????? : I was going through some photos on my laptop tonight and came across some that were old and I didn’t expect to see and it made me so very sad. Some were of my mom, who died last April. Some of my youngest daughter who I haven’t been close to for the last few years and barely speak to. My dad, who has had cancer and been in hospice but chose a low life loser over his own family. It breaks my heart in a way I could never explain in words here or anywhere else. Why did it come to this? How? I need answers and nowhere to turn. I’ve become so depressed the last few years that I only feel like my life is sinking further into a dark abyss of nothingness. I feel all alone (despite having my boyfriend around). He only really seems to care for himself most the time and my feelings and needs don’t seem to matter. More less the fact I’m upset and depressed about my losses and past. I keep praying to God but I’m really starting to question if a God exists because if one does, I’m not seeing or feeling it. I’ve never felt more alone, destitute and abandoned in my entire life. I keep thinking of who I can turn to and the same answer keeps coming back to me - nobody. Not one single person do I really have to truly confide in or share my deep loneliness. I have my cat. She loves me and I love her. But obviously I can’t talk to her. I just want this nightmare to be over. Surely this isn’t what life is all about. There has got to be more to it than this. Please someone tell me there is more to it than this. Even if you’re just telling me to make me feel better. Please. I need something right now.",moderate
dev_pid_542,"The Rabbit Hole : I'm just trying to get this out of my chest so maybe I can get some sleep tonight but... The rabbit hole sucks. 
I always feel at least a little depressed or anxious all the time because of dumb hereditary hormonal nonsense I'm just stuck with but it makes everything just so miserable... I know I'm not alone and that others have it worse than me but that doesn't help. I constantly feel guilty for having depression despite my life being at least semi-normal. 
Every time I feel depressed I feel guilty which makes me more depressed, then I try to do fun things but I usually don't enjoy them which makes me feel worse and more guilty for wasting time, then I try to work to make up for it but it never feels like I work enough or do a good enough job which just tunnels me further down. 
Then there's feeling suicidal... Which I do a lot. I want to jump off a bridge, hang myself, walk in front of a car, anything to end the suffering but I know the people around me who love me would miss me but that just makes me feel more trapped and guilty... I feel like there's no escaping the pain and it feels so stupid because I should be happy or content, my friends and experiences should lift me up and make me feel grateful but all I feel is guilt, paranoia, and depression.
I've tried everything, seeing a therapist, taking different kinds of meds, trying to fit up my diet, exercise, distracting myself, every healthy and unhealthy coping mechanism out there just never seems to work. I feel awful because I'm sure my friends are getting sick of me being this flip switch of shoulder-to-cry-on and depressed-mess but I'm just.... Stuck I guess. 
There isn't much advice to give or whatever I just... I needed to get this out and at least here I won't necessarily be bothering anyone... At least I hope not. Hope you guys are having a better night than I am.",moderate
dev_pid_543,"I feel like I’m holding on by a tread. : 2020 has to be a pretty bad year. My 2020 has been by far the worst for me. I’ve become anti-social as fuck, I don’t text or see any of my friends by choice, I barely communicate with my family anymore & we live in the same house, my car is in the midst of breaking down since I can’t even afford the repairs on it, have all my cards on hold after losing my SIN card and been skipping out on my bills, rejected in all grad schools I’ve applied too, not doing as well in my last semester as I should be, & still recovering from a pretty brutal breakup. Now covid-19 is just wrecking havoc. I’m just so fucking tired. I’m so tired of being tired. Everything just feels so awful right now. 
Really trying to see the positive in life but just can’t see my life going on like this...",moderate
dev_pid_544,"I need some help. : I’ve been meaning to write this for a long time. I’m going to try to keep it short.
So, I just want to die, seriously.
I just can’t stand myself, not even anyone, I just feel like I’m a total letdown to everyone. Lately all I see is grey, I try to cheer up but nothing helps, everything right now is grey to me. I’m aware that a lot of people are struggling with this too, but I still feel so alone.
The worst part is that deep down I know that everything is okay, but my mind is flooded with depressive thoughts.
I simply don’t want to stay alive anymore. 
Lately all I think is about the fact that I’ve got to suicide before my birthday, simply because I don’t want to see anyone congratulating me when I already know that no one likes me. 
I feel like I’m a huge piece of shit, I just know that no one wants to be around me, I know that I ruin everything, I know that I can’t even write about my problems without feeling useless for not being able to handle them on my own.
I just need someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay, even if it isn’t going to be okay.",moderate
dev_pid_545,I can’t stop thinking about negative things about me : What do I do if i’m misunderstood? I have no idea how to stop feeling this type of feeling. People in school call me weird a lot but I’m just quiet and I don’t know how to really express myself. I hate myself. Some girl thought I was taking a picture of her but i really just had my flash on and now she tells people i’m weird and stuff and i take pictures of people and that shit sucks yk?,moderate
dev_pid_546,"My day today, Day 1 : Woke up, tons of anxiety about the day
Got to 1st period, we started on a project where were planting plants in bottles
In 2nd period I was super anxious about presenting our project
3rd, nothing happened
4th, was pe depression kicked in 
5th pretty sure I failed that Spanish test
6th did fairly well on the geometry quiz
Got home, depression got worse, as always :/
Few hours of browsing Reddit and I found out school is canceled until April 5th, I realized I'm going to be alone with my thoughts for a while...
Ate a burrito, the only thing I ate today
Scrolled through Reddit
Decide to make this
Probably going to scroll through more Reddit or sleep idk",moderate
dev_pid_547,"a rough night : tonight was rough. i’ve felt like my drug use has been fairly under control over the past few years, but tonight really opened my eyes. MDMA has caused me so much trouble. it’s basically made me forget why i’m happy for just a few hours of fun. i feel like i’ve wasted years already not being true to myself about my drug use. tonight i’m turning it around though. going to a meeting i hope. my depression has ups and downs but not a lot of turning points. this is absolutely one though.",moderate
dev_pid_548,i'm doing my best to distract myself from all these horrible thoughts i have because when i start thinking about them i start crying : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_549,"What’s the point? : Fuck man I don’t know what to say, I just don’t even see the point in anything. Like why am I lying in bed at 5am, typing a post to strangers because I have nobody else, just to... vent I guess? 
I don’t even know. What do I expect from this? We’re all going to die someday and then thats it. A funeral maybe and then it’ll be like I never existed. I’ll never achieve anything of significance. I probably won’t be alive to see what other life is out there.
I’m supposed to be in my best years. I’m 18 and have no fucking social life, no fucking job or education and nothing to look forward to.
I have a suicide note saved in my notes app just in case. Fun fact I wrote it on my 17th birthday, little over a year ago. I was in bed crying having a panic attack because I had to go to school. How pathetic I know. Glad I left early because I really couldn’t handle it. I got a job at a call centre but had to leave after a few months because anxiety, I couldn’t handle it. I’d cry in the bathroom everyday.
This doesn’t have any structure to it and I’m sorry but I just want to vent. Everyday is the same pretty much, when my sleeping pattern is good it helps but only barely. I wake up and play the same shitty game everyday, always alone and it’s boring. I don’t even get much joy from it but I still play.
Every now and then I go for a walk and if the weather isn’t god awful I’ll penny board along near the shitty beach. I only go at night because fuck social interaction. Plus I can listen to music and quite often break down crying. I often think about jumping off the pier but I know it wouldn’t kill me, maybe just scare me straight or something.
I love my family and my pets, they truthfully are the only thing I care about. My brother was/is my best friend but he has a girlfriend now and I barely see him. Now I’m even lonelier and it fucking sucks so much. I hate how much of a disappointment I must be to my parents. Also realised on my 18th birthday I was an accident which kind of sucks. Brother and sister are 7-9 years older. 
I miss being young. I had friends, I was reasonably happy, although I’ve been pretty depressed for like 7 years and it’s getting worse. 
There are no jobs going where I am. So I’m stuck in the house all fucking day and it gets real old, real fast. I want to live my life, be happy and successful but at the same time - I don’t.
I’ve posted on r/lonely on an alt a couple times but nobody replies. The irony. I don’t know what to do. I want to try drugs, heard weed can help anxiety or make it worse. I just want to try them and experience something. I don’t have any friends to ask so would anyone here recommend anything? If it’s a bad idea then that’s ok I’m just curious. Might make my 17 hours of free time everyday more interesting.
Also does anyone else listen to certain artists when they’ve going through a particularly bad patch? I’vs noticed I do it recently. Usually blink-182 and Lil Peep for me but it changes. 
As for interests and hobbies, I love drawing but I don’t have any supplies and I have no money or motivation. I like PC building but again I have no money. Also my bed is so fucking shitty, theres no slats underneath it but theres wooden planks for a fence or something and the mattress’s springs jag right into me it hurts, anyway, I enjoy looking after animals and I have a dog and a bird. Both keep me company, I love my dog so fucking much, he is too pure for this shitty planet.
I’m gonna finish it here, sorry for the formatting and structure or lack there of. If you read this all I appreciate you and have a good day/night.",moderate
dev_pid_550,"I accidentally took two of my fluoxetine meds today, should I be worried? : I switched over to taking my medication at night since it can affect my sleep if I take it in the morning. However, I haven’t taken it the past couple days because I kept forgetting. I took it this morning because I needed it and I took it again about not to long ago because I forgot I took it this morning. Should I be worried? It’s 11:30 so I can’t call my health provider so I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else done this or does anyone have experience in taking fluoxetine?",moderate
dev_pid_551,"The Fire and the Cliff : Life feels like I'm at the edge of a cliff and  surrounded by an inescapable grass fire.
Should I wait for the fire to consume me? Or should I exercise what little control I have and end it all myself by jumping off? That cliff seems very enticing, at times.
Even on good days, I take note of these two truths. The fire and the cliff.
The fire is powered by the stressors of life. And it never burns out, even when I wait for it to. Sometimes it seems far away. Other times it creeps closer and closer. That is when I prepare to jump. Isn't it better than burning to death?",moderate
dev_pid_552,"Lost over a pound in only a couple of days. I’m only 107 pounds now. No motivation to eat. : My parents nearly found my razor so I threw it away. Don’t plan on retrieving it but I’m struggling. I tried to hang myself recently and am tempted to try again better prepared. 
I can’t stand myself. I have no motivation anymore. It’s hard to eat, work, play, or do anything other than sleep.
I might just try again, so I’m on a suicide hotline rn.",moderate
dev_pid_553,"I can convince myself I’m faking it if I think about it too much : I’ve always had trouble feeling like I’m faking my depression. If I think about it too hard, I “forget” reasons why I’m depressed and can only conclude that I’m doing it to myself for attention. If I’m actively thinking about why I’m sad, it’s a lot easier to validate my emotions. But if I think about it too much, these things seem more insignificant and I convince myself that I’m not really depressed, I’m just making myself feel that way for no reason for a couple of hours (disregarding the other symptoms like loss of interest, fatigue, etc). Which, inevitably, makes me feel worse because I feel terrible and have no validation, not even any that I can give myself. 
I hate the way my brain operates.",moderate
dev_pid_554,"I cheated my crush : I have cheated my crush becoz I don't trust her so I cheated with her friend and she know it and she doesn't want contact me anymore she blocked all social media
Should I move on or still contact her? 
Please help me im so confused",moderate
dev_pid_555,"I feel lonely, depressed, betrayed, and I think I'm developing a drug addiction. : Sorry, this is a bit long.
A while a go in my senior year at high school (12th grade), I was stabbed in the back by one of my long-time friends: He told everyone in our circle - including a girl I had a crush on - that I had said something to him along the lines of ""I want to rape your 14 year old sister"", and without question, they all believed him. It didn't help matters either that he had his rat-fucking-bastard-cunt-stain-on-the human-race friend reinforcing that lie to everyone.
They also used to call me a ""Terrorist"" and a ""Sand Nigger"" because I'm from Iran. I constantly told them that I didn't like this, but they continued to do it. Then, all of a sudden I'm the bad guy because I ""said"" something about his sister, which I never did.
I won't go into detail about why I think he did this, but I think one of the reasons is he's sensitive about is his height. He tried to play it off as if he doesn't care, but he obviously does. I used to be the short kid of the group, but around 16 I had a growth spurt and now I'm 1.8m, while he's stuck at 1.68m or some shit like that, and every time the topic of height came up, he'd always say some bullshit like ""the measurement tape is off, you're actually 1.74m"" or something like that, to which I always replied ""Ok, buddy. Whatever you say.""
Before that time I was occasionally smoking pot with a few of my other friends, but I started smoking more and more after this incident and started skipping classes to go cry in my car like a little pussy (mostly because this cunt had ruined my chances with who I thought at the time to be the most beautiful girl ever), and this pretty heavily impacted my grades. Luckily, though, this happened in the final term of school, so my failing grades didn't prevent me from getting into university.
During holidays between high school and uni, I started dabbling in harder, more sedative drugs like Valium and Tramadol, because weed just wasn't cutting it for me anymore, and then I found Heroin.
I'd heard about how dangerous Heroin can be. How it can destroy lives and ruin you financially etc., but at that point my depression and loneliness was at it's peak, so I didn't even care.
I shot up for the first time, and I felt fucking amazing. I was just in a euphoric dream for hours and I loved every microsecond of it. It just helped me escape from my horrible reality and experience joy for the first time in a long time.
As of now, I'm in university with zero friends, severely depressed, lonely and scared. I've always been very socially awkward and anxious, but now I have a newly formed distrust of people, which is preventing me from making any new friends. Heroin seems to be the only friend I have right now, and the only friend that I can trust to give me a good time. I don't use it too much, though. Probably only once or twice a week when I either come home from work or uni. 
My parents don't know about this though. I mean, they know about the incident at school but not about the Heroin. I love my parents. I love them so much, so I don't want them to know. It'll ruin them; they'll be more damaged from finding out I do Heroin than someone who is using Heroin.
I sometimes go onto Instagram or Snapchat and I see that those cunts that did this to me are hanging out and seeming to have to best times of they're lives, and I hate that. I HATE them.
I just hate that good for nothing waste of human life that did this to me. I wish him nothing but misery and pain for the rest of his miserable, wrenched life. I fucking hate his guts. I want that little fucking short midget piece of shit cunt to go rot away in a huge pile of cow shit where he belongs. I fucking want him to die a slow and horrible death, isolated from everyone, and hated by everyone. I hate him. I FUCKING HATE HIM.
I'm not posting this here for you to tell me to ""go get help"" or ""go to rehab"" or anything like that, because I already know I can do that. In fact, I actually don't know why I'm writing this post at all. Maybe I'm just venting, maybe not, idk. If you read this whole thing, thank you. Just comment something to try and make me feel better please. I feel so terrible.",moderate
dev_pid_556,"I’m so lonely : I hate myself. Every morning I wake up and say that I hate myself. Well...I don’t say it out loud, but I certainly think it. I have always viewed myself in such a negative light. I’ve never been in a relationship and I don’t think I will for a while. It killed throughout high school and now I’ve just accepted it. I feel like I deserve it. I care for others far greater than they will ever care for me. I do this to myself. I make my own heart hurt each and every day. Once I get rejected here pretty soon, I won’t be able to take it. I don’t know what I’ll do to myself, and that’s what scares me the most.",moderate
dev_pid_557,"Looks like I'm loosing the war. : I thought I was doing well, but turns out I haven't gotten anywhere. The Lonliness is killing me. I feel like my life is going to be spent alone anyways. I'm going to give it till December of this year. If I'm still like this I will kill myself",moderate
dev_pid_558,"Humanity has gone to shit : this world is shit, treats each other like shit, and we treat the world like shit. im sick of this cycle. im tired of the same shit all around me and of this shit world.",moderate
dev_pid_559,Lonely : This is my first post so i'm sorry if i'm awkward for the past couple of months i've been really depressed i don't have no one to talk to you like i use to i just want to talk to someone and have fun i know this is prob the wrong subreddit for this but if you want to chat or play with me on ps4 PM me and i'll give you my tag or my discord,moderate
dev_pid_560,"What are some ways I can tell my mom I might have depression : For a while now I've been having a lot of the symptoms of depression and since another post I made on here I made up my mind that I would tell my parents that I likely had depression but I don't know how. I find it awkward talking to hardly anyone in my family so I was wondering for anyone who has been through or was in my situation how you brought up the courage to tell your parents.
I guess I'm just scared if rejection or  being framed of lying like someone I know is, so I don't know how to approach it.",moderate
dev_pid_561,"i feel like crying every night despite having a good day : it’s happened again tonight. i always feel like crying for the next few hours for unknown reasons. today went fine, i finished my school finals for this quarter and got to say goodbye to my teachers for break, i had a decent nap and felt great when i woke up, i talked with my mom about random stuff and before heading to bed i just. i couldn’t take it anymore. and i really don’t know why...
has anyone experienced this? i don’t really know what to do or why i even feel like this in the first place.
(ps. i feel a bit better now that i’m asking about this, i don’t feel as clustered and stressed and jakfmfmgksi whatever. so, that’s nice.)",moderate
dev_pid_562,Empty : I feel so sad but I can't cry. No tears come out. I'm empty.,moderate
dev_pid_563,"I serve no purpose. : After graduating high school, I've spent three years in my parents house doing basically nothing. I had a job for about 8 months but quit for a few reasons. I have nothing I want to do with money, working drains me, and the job sucked. I knew after I quit I would go back to doing nothing which is why I saved up money over that 8 months so I could give money to my parents while I rot in my room indefinitely. This has been pushed as far as it can go however. My parents are at a crossroad because they want me to go work or go to school almost enough to force me, but they can't. They also know that if they kick me out I would accept it and kill myself after leaving.
I don't care about myself at all, I only care about my family. Unfortunately that care doesn't goes so far that I'll force myself to get a job or go study. The care just goes far enough that I'll keep myself alive, and that's reinforced the feeling that the only reason I was born is to make people sad when I die. Is there a path in life for people like me who won't do anything?  
I'm an absolute selfish piece of shit and I regret being born every day.",moderate
dev_pid_564,"my depressed self : Everytime my self harm scars fade I kind of miss them,and that’s why I keep doing it. it’s comforting knowing that’s the only pain I can control.",moderate
dev_pid_565,"I don't know what I feel anymore. : Sometimes I feel optimistic. Sometimes I feel extremely overwhelmed and I don't understand anything in this f*cking sh*thole of a world.
University is closed, all events with more than 100 people are canceled, my internship is postponed. I keep reading about the coronavirus pandemic and quarantines being around for the following 36 months. I was gonna do a lot with my life. I was gonna do another internship in the summer, after the one that just got postponed. I was gonna get a degree in English in January 2021. I was close to fixing my social anxiety and I was making plans where to go meet new people. I was gonna graduate 2021... but now, none of that may happen. Until at least September 2023. And it kills me to think about it. Shortly before all of this began, I told my future plans out loud and I was proud of where I've gotten and of my plans...",moderate
dev_pid_566,Sad : I am sad. I am crying. I hate it here. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore.,moderate
dev_pid_567,"The worst thing about calling a hotline is how long the wait is to be connected to a counselor. : But at the same time, it’s a little comforting knowing that you’re not the only one who feels horrible. Or it feels hopeless.",moderate
dev_pid_568,Asking a question : Does anybody know anything fun activities you could  do or a place where you can meet new people or anything like that,moderate
dev_pid_569,"I lost my entire identity tonight : I grew up in a well-off but dysfunctional household. Depression flared up in my late teens. I'm 24 now. Barely scraped by in undergrad in a major I despised but that my family pressured me in to. I've been working food service since I graduated 3 years ago, barely scraping by. 
A year ago, I got into a halfway decent graduate program for English (prose writing) after spending years before that one studying hard and building up a portfolio. Writing (and ultimately teaching it) has always been my real passion, but was never something I was allowed to do by my family. I felt like I'd finally made progress in my life, and that I'd turned my life around. 
Tonight, I went to a poetry reading hosted by some friends. I don't write poetry, but I went because my buddy and my girlfriend were performing. 
Tonight, I learned that both of them are leagues better than I am at writing. Their poetry is far, far better than any piece of prose I've ever shat out. My girlfriend, in particular, spent about 2 hours writing a total of 3 poems, with each one putting to shame pieces that I've spent months on. 
My entire identity is gone. Two people who almost never write - and who have never taken classes or studied it - have blown absolutely everything that I have ever worked for completely out of the water. The one thing that I had to be proud of was blown out of the water by someone who, by her own admission, wasn't even trying. 
I don't think I can continue to date her. She was already better than me (and most people) at every single other thing she ever tried. She's a genius who effortlessly glides through everything she so much as considers attempting, and every second that I spend with her lately is a humiliating kick in the crotch that reminds me just what a worthless person I am. I want her to be with someone who is as talented and intrinsically good as she is, and I probably need to stay single forever. Writing was the one thing I had to be proud of. The one single thing I could point to and say, ""Hey, I worked for this, and something finally came of it!""
Now my identity is gone, and I lost the one thing that I had. I am once again falling, falling, waiting to die. 
This is why I don't leave my house.",moderate
dev_pid_570,"Some changes : Bare with me here. Negative talk incoming. 
So I’m finally a part of a friend group. One of seven people...and the six others are paired together in three relationships so I’m the *only* single one. Sucks to suck I guess lol; it’s always something that makes me feel left out. I’ve never been in a relationship while they’ve *all* had their history of them.
Plus they’ve all known each other for far longer so they have deeper connections with each other than I’ll ever have with them. That just makes me overthink that they might talk about me behind my back; that definitely isn’t unfamiliar territory. 
I don’t know. I can’t really see myself ever trusting people as much as I used to; I always get let down or left behind. Maybe I’ll just let myself be left behind this time if things hint towards an unfortunate tapering off from those good feelings.
I won’t be surprised if I’m ousted from the group within the next few months so I guess I’ll just enjoy the little things while I can.",moderate
dev_pid_571,"i don't know why but.. : sometimes i just feel like an untalented loser. yeah i some instruments like the guitar, but i really want to give up because no matter how much i practice, i still suck. i don't have any skills whatsoever. i am bad in everything i do. they always say everyone is at least good at something.. yeah maybe im good at not being good. 
every time i look at the mirror it reminds me on how pathetic i am and i honestly don't know how to deal with this. everyone is doing so well in so many fields (art, music, sports, etc), meanwhile there's myself who doesn't have anything at all..",moderate
dev_pid_572,"This shit is like a fucking addiction : I like to cut myself. Unfortunately, i’ve been trying to cut my arm days after days but I just dont see any FUCKING BLOOD. I swear I’m losing my shit right now. My scissors failed me so I tried to get some new ones tonight. My mom made me put them back. I started scratching myself and I wanted to throw a tantrum so bad. This shit is so addicting. I don’t even wanna get better. I just need to see some damn blood come out",moderate
dev_pid_573,"Coronavirus changed everything : My mom is very controlling, paranoid, and manipulative. I'm a freshman in college, and starting in the fall, I finally felt like I was free from her. After suffering in her house for 18 years, I carved my path out. Going back home for breaks kinda sucked, but it wasn't so bad. Just a little bit and then I got to go back to school.
Throughout high school, I never really got involved with many extracurriculars except for theatre during my senior year. I continued doing it here at college, and this semester I was cast in an enormous and EXTREMELY exciting lead role. I've been practicing constantly. I wouldn't shut up about this play for weeks after I was cast. For once in my life, I had managed to make a big, close, reliable friend group in college. I got involved with multiple extracurriculars. I've been getting much better grades than I ever got in high school. I've been able to build my own life; something my mom isn't allowed to touch, for once.
Also, at school I was able to receive free (and confidential) counseling and psychiatry. I won't bother with details, but let's just say my mom doesn't really believe in that stuff. I had never been to a therapist before, but had struggled a lot with depression in high school. I now see how much therapy can help.
Then, I came home for spring break. I didn't want to, but it was only a week. Now, school is canceled the rest of the semester because of coronavirus. I just feel lost and empty. I feel like everything I've been working on has just disappeared. I thought I finally made it out of this house and now I'm back for at least a few months. (Possibly closer to six months if I can't get out of here for the summer.)
To make matters worse, my mom has now quarantined us. As in, no leaving the house. At all. For any reason. I haven't breathed fresh air in a week.
So that's where I'm at. I feel hopeless. I feel like I went off and built this life for myself where I was independent and successful and optimistic for the first time in my entire life. And then I just got dragged backwards by something completely out of my control. I hope my feelings make sense. 
I'm just searching for a reason to keep waking up in the morning. All of my usual reasons just went out the window.",moderate
dev_pid_574,"I dont know what happened to my mental health : I am so depressed. I think about death constantly, and how i wish it would come sooner. My life feels void of purpose and meaning. All there is is suffering. I cannot wait to die. I want it sooner.",moderate
dev_pid_575,i want to get coronavirus : I hate my life already. I need death to come sooner k thx byee <3,moderate
dev_pid_576,"I play fortnite with my ex who I love : She begged me to add her. It's been 3 years but we both love each other.. it's funny actually. But she's caught up with a guy who has a wife and kids. I love her but I fucked it all up the first time. But yet anytime I text her she is there immediately. I miss her, we would talk for hours just to fucking talk. I'm broken now and need help but she's caught in someone who will never be with her",moderate
dev_pid_577,"Crazy/Frightening Experience : Hi all, 
So something happened to me a little while ago that has left me utterly rattled and had I had liquor in the house I would've necked the bottle. 
I was having lunch, oddly enough reading this sub, and I had a massive hit of Deja Vu - of the worst things happening in my personal circumstance. I even txt'd my counselor, as it was as if someone from the future downloaded memories into my mind. I could feel, see, hear EVERYTHING. It was that brutally intense the physical response was nuts, a deep wave of depression, fear, anxiety, felt like a shot gun blast - worse than I've felt recently honestly. It's passed now but I'm still majorly rattled, my counselor says early day AD's can cause ESP type feelings, but I used to get these as a child as well, but more so dreams.
A very very disturbing event. I suppose logically given my brain chemistry is being altered that's just it, but my god I hope it doesn't happen again. 
Just wanted to share in case someone else has experienced similar.
Thank you for your time.",moderate
dev_pid_578,"I need help with my brother : I want to keep this short for your reading comfort.
And english isn't my first language, so apologies in advance.
My brother has just been diagnosed with depression.
I always thought I'd know him, on the outside he is a joyful person, but it seems like this was just a mask all this time. 
And now I don't know what to do since I want to help him.
Should I just continue like nothing happened?
Should I leave the rest to the psychotherapist?
To describe how he feels he said it's better to let [this video](https://youtu.be/EJ_S5Rjt_iI) speak for him since he's not really capable of finding the right words. Maybe some of you already know it.
I just want to help him feel better, I feel heartbroken thinking about what my brother is experiencing.
Let me know if I'm leaving out crucial information.",moderate
dev_pid_579,Why is being negative so addictive : ,moderate
dev_pid_580,"Just rambling -- This Covid has put a lot of my life into perspective, weirdly : Just... writing to write. Maybe someone will find something of what I say to ring true for them. 
IDK I feel like an overwhelming sense of peace. 
Like I'm getting anxious, my thoughts are -- if I go I go, that's fine, but I want to be surrounded by family. But then I'm worried about infecting them lol  
But I spent so much time worrying  
And doing stupid shit
And not taking full advantage of life
It's not that it has motivated me to go out there and LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST
It's just kinda instilled this peace, like, yeah, this is kinda just life. There are some good days, some bad days, and some times you can't make the best of it  
You can try though, and I think opting not to kill myself is my attempt (however feeble) at trying to live.   
I imagined my life so so so differently  
And I am nowhere NOWHERE where I thought I'd be.   
I achieved a lot in my life though, but still empty. Hopefully, staying with family will help.  
I feel like I made a lot of bad decisions  
I made some good ones too  
I wonder what's next. I have a curiosity to see this to the end. I do have anxiety about getting my parents sick. But IDK what would be worse, dying alone in a place I hate living (bc of my own decisions), or dying surrounded by family, risking more death to be around them.  
I'll have to see what they say haha they might be like NO STAY THE FUCK HOME lol.  
I'm not sick or anything, I just read too much reddit. 
I'm only 30 but I feel sometimes like I'm 90. I witnessed a lot. I had to ""grow up"" at age 10.  Some days I'm just okay with dying. IDK if it's typical to feel like that. I have a lot more thoughts in my head than I ever have. It's weird -- 5 years ago, I wasn't like this. I was a firerocket of freedom and strength. I just kinda lost it over time.   
I feel like I've experienced being so many different people. Like who I was 10 days ago is really really different than who I am today. 2 months ago I was dating someone. 6 months ago I was single and moved into a new house, to leave a few months later. 15 months ago I lived in a different state. and so on.   
IDK what to make of all of this. I get existential often and am learning what pulls me back into my body, slowly but surely. It's gonna sound gross, but popping my zits actually is really meditative for me. I just focus on it and bc it hurts a little, I stop letting my mind run on and on. I got really sedentary over the last few years, I think it upticked my overthinking. I'm not doing, running around, being active, just sitting and letting my thoughts pile on top of one another. I also run my own business where I am literally all positions, so I'm in my head constantly. I also work remotely, so I also don't get any social time.  
I'm really curious how noticing these things and then going to fix them will help, maybe incrementally, maybe vastly.  
Community -- friends, I have to go find them again. It's been a really lonely road, at first it's cuz I thought I was getting sober and needed to cocoon myself. But I'm nearly 3 years drug/alcohol free and it's still lonely. I don't think that's right. I am definitely losing hope, 
It's weird to go through my  ""high school years"" in my late 20s. I was always angry as a teenager but I was never depressed. I had so much going on, I was on a team sport that I excelled at, I had tons of friends, my family fought a lot but I didn't have to worry about not eating or anything, And then, just, that's not my life anymore. I don't have control over my thoughts anymore. I can't walk away from situations without getting really emotional. that was never me, but it is who I became.
IDK if I like this version of me. Maybe I'm still becoming. Maybe I'll die in this misery. Who knows? 
What I do know, is that I'll go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and be a different person, again.   
Thanks for reading",moderate
dev_pid_581,"There's no hope : It's a losing game, just gonna die anyway, there is no hope. No one really likes you for yourself, it's just how good you can make them look, or what they can get off you. There is no cake, your kids just get old and don't like you anymore. Go out disvracefully",moderate
dev_pid_582,"missing someone you know won’t be in your life anymore : i’m fucking dying guys. is there a pain that’s greater than missing someone you know you can’t have in your life anymore? missing someone who you know doesn’t give a single fuck about you? 
you ever cut someone off and the longer you go without contacting each other the deeper and stronger the realization gets that you’ll probably never talk ever again? and that thought is terrifying and makes me panic because you can’t imagine wanting to live without them in your life. 
does he still have my number? did he change his? did he get a new phone and lost my contact info? does any of it matter when I know it’s over? 
losing someone you loved so much and having them go from the person who knew you the best to a complete stranger as the months go by and you guys forget each other....
i’m so scared.
my heart is broken. does anyone have a fear of moving on? because nothing can replace those feelings you had when you had that person in your life. you might be replaceable to them but to you....they were everything. 
also, on an unrelated note...i’ve been self medicating. can someone PLEASE explain to me why Xanax or Xans as they call it, why are they so popular among young people? I’m only 26 but I don’t get the hype. I have a whole bottle of a Xanax prescription but every time I take one I just feel drowsy and sedated (and not in the fun kinda way). I’m wondering how/why these kids do it recreationally....I don’t even get high off it",moderate
dev_pid_583,How do you stop comparing yourself and feeling so shitty about yourself? I've started going to therapy but it hasnt helped if anything Ieave feeling worse or hopeless bc I'm asking for help and not receiving it. I know I need a new therapist but I just feel so shitty about myself. : ,moderate
dev_pid_584,"depression ruined my personality : i've had depression for about 10 years now, i used to be creative, funny, and shy but somehow it was easy for me to make friends. 
fast forward to now, its been like 7 years since i made new friends and everytime i try people seem to lose interest really fast, i feel like all these years of depression and solitude made me a boring, insecure and anxious person and ruined any chance of making friends",moderate
dev_pid_585,Don’t I deserve to be happy? : It seems that any guy I like is literally never interested in me or only interested in getting sex. And the guys that like me (which is rare) I don’t like back because I just don’t feel a connection with them. I’m starting to think that I’ll never find someone and I’m not one of those people that are meant to be loved. It’s been 5 years since my last (and first) relationship. I want to start dating again. I’m almost 22 and yes I know I have enough time Blah Blah but I deserve to be loved too but right now why should I live if no one is going to love me anymore. Life just seems stupid and pointless,moderate
dev_pid_586,"If I'm a guy looking to seriously be a girl but am poor wouldn't it be better to just kill myself? : I was born a boy even though the doctors said I would be a girl. Besides being born not normal (birth defects, cleft lip cleft palette etc) I also think ""like a girl"". I love cute things and have an emense erge to be loved even if it's forced or a toxic relationship. I find myself looking in the mirror and telling myself how disgusting I am. My body is shaped like a girls (minus the boobs and stick a penis and balls on). Even my balls are so small lol I find myself questioning if I'm really even a guy in the first place, also possibly attracted to guys (pretty sure that's been a fear of mine since little) btw not homophobic but I do dislike thoes who go overboard, like who cares your you go do that instead of show off your sexuality. They act like there's nobody out there who feel thier whole life depends on weather you pretend to be ""normal"". Anyways sorry off topic alittle. 
But yea, if I can't afford or am too scared to go find a doctor or even know how to start the process but can't anyways because everything cost money can't I just die? 
I mean it litterally when I say I'd rather die than to be myself. 
Mainly due to the fact I'm an all in type of person, as long as I have this stupid dick I can't do anything I want to do.",moderate
dev_pid_587,"I am always miserable. : It doesn't seem to matter what I do. I am always miserable. I hate everyone and everything, including myself. Nothing is ever good enough for me. People make fun of me but I truly believe that they are the stupid ones. They have to be if they take satisfaction in their meager achievements. They are nobodys and someday they will die and leave no legacy, nothing of merit.",moderate
dev_pid_588,"I can't laugh or cry literally. I am feeling like a weirdo. : I can only smile, i can't laugh properly. I can only somewhat giggle for a sec or two. I feel like i have forgot how to laugh. Whenever i laugh it feels like a made up laugh, it is like i am doing the impersonation of some character with a really deep voice. I feel so embarassed, that i just smile and i feel like i am intentionally closing my mouth while laughing.
I also not cry properly. Tears come into my eyes but i feel like i am closing my mouth intentionally to stop the voice from coming out. I want to but i can't.
I started distancing myself from my feeling because i was crying all the time and was made fun of. And didn't knew what to do. So i think 5-6 years of distancing myself from my feelings have finally made me a weirdo. The same reason i did all that was to avoid feeling like a weirdo/ ashamed all the time.",moderate
dev_pid_589,why fucking try anymore. : i’m done. i’ve lost everyone. i’ve fucked up everything. one day it seemed like everything was on the up and up and my hard work might have been paying off but the it all fell apart. in the matter of 24 hours my life was completely torn apart. why should i keep trying if every single time i just fall back into the hole. how am i meant to keep getting up from this shit. i’m just tired. just tired and done.,moderate
dev_pid_590,"The worst night in a while... : I ache every night, due to loosing my family. Both grandmas died when I was 12 within 6 months of each other. The only grandparent I know of is my grandfather who is a diagnosed psychotic, due to being screwed up in the military. The last thing I had that was comparable to a grandparent was my aunt. She died 2 years ago, and I live in her house (actually, I live in her room). It’s really tough.  I’ve told my parents about my depression, but I’ve been told that it’s just a “vice” of Satan. Which, I can understand. However, it’s very real, and I don’t think God (or any higher power) would want us to feel this way. Ive tried to shake this feeling, and it just results in classic symptoms; disorganization, not showering for days, not brushing hair/teeth, not being able to get up out of bed, self loathing... I’m not suicidal, I’m just very, very sad. I’ve had quite an uphill battle with my grandfather showing up at a significant event in my life, that threw me for a loop mentally. I hadn’t seen him in 15 years. I was so little (3-4years) when he last saw me. So it put me in an uncomfortable position between my parents and him. He left my grandmother after 5 years of marriage, just to marry/divorce 7 more women. He ruined my grandmother and my mother. Also, I have no friends, because everyone I befriend stabs me in the back. So, I’m stuck in a place where I have my boyfriend which I’m thankful for. I just feel bad for being so emotionally connected to him. Granted we’ve been dating for almost three years, the poor guy has seen me deteriorate mentally. He’s the only thing that makes me (actually) happy. I just feel bad for depending on him 80% of the time mentally, but luckily he’s a good guy and doesn’t take advantage of it. He understands to a degree. He just doesn’t understand being in the position, because he has a healthy family dynamic. I’m spiraling now...",moderate
dev_pid_591,"I’m so numb. : My meds make it so I can function properly... for the most part. I still have trouble showering or brushing my teeth but I can at least go outside and do what I need to. But the numbness is just a softer depression. I still want to cry but much like before I cannot let it out. It’s so worthless, I’m working towards nothing at all.",moderate
dev_pid_592,"I feel like I don't belong, any advice? : I know that a lot of people suffer from a lot of worse things, but I thought I could get this out of my chest.
Ever since I graduated from high school, I've been struggling to make new friends, my friends moved to another city to study and we eventually grew apart (I only continue talking with one, but it's not the same).
I spent my first semester of college all by myself, I tried to connect with others but they all knew each other from their high school (I went to a different one). It was really hard to fit in, so I gave up trying and spent my time reading alone.
In my second semester, things got better, I got some friends and thought that they were gonna be strong relationships.
I'm currently in my fourth semester, I still have them as friends, but I feel like I'm only there to listen. Every time I try to say something I feel like I'm saying something way out of place or simply just not worthy of time, like I'm just squeezing myself in a group that is not my own (I don't know if it makes sense).
I still feel like I don't belong, even though I feel happy most of the time, when I get home I feel like I could do something to change this, but I don't know what to do, any ideas?
I would really appreciate any comment. Thanks for reading my problem, even if it's not something so big. (Sorry if there is any misspelling, English is not my firsth language)",moderate
dev_pid_593,Advice? Or pity circle-jerk? : Im sick of feeling tired all the time and watching the people i hate succeed and do better. Looking to start making small positive changes to my lifestyle but i dont know where to start. If anyone has anything they can share plz,moderate
dev_pid_594,"I hate my parents and my culture : In my country at least, depression is just not there and nobody talks about it. my parents don’t understand shit about it and keep pushing me to the limits by taking me to every family meeting and never letting me alone in a room. 
No, this hasn’t helped me , for the first time of my life I just want me or them dead.
I have been going lately outside the house to get some time alone away from them. 
I am really waiting for that day where I move out of the house and never have to listen to their screams anymore.
And sorry for my English I just wanted to get this off of my chest and I hope someone can understand.",moderate
dev_pid_595,"I think I won't last long. : So hi I haven't gone to clinic yet to check if I am really depress but ever since I do self harm and I always think of killing myself. And these days, I always feel like my life won't last long anymore. I don't know why, maybe because I'm suicidal that's why I feel that but I really think my death is near.",moderate
dev_pid_596,I think I wanna kill myself : If I'm being honest I don't have time for the whole story but I just feel like theres nothing left for me here. I'm so unhappy. the one person I had in my life just left me and I'm not sure what purpose I have anymore. I don't wanna live in a world where I can't be with  this person. I'm drunk and high and just grasping for will to live. I've cut my arms up. If it's not too much trouble please give me a reason to liv3,moderate
dev_pid_597,I wanna go home : I always wonder what if dying feels like coming home? Like coming to a safe and secure home. And I really wanna go now. I wanna go home.,moderate
dev_pid_598,As my depression gets worse I feel more and more like I’m in a dreaming : Anyone else have this ? It used to just be once in awhile but now everyday almost I wake up but still feels like I’m in a dream state .  Nothing around me feels real .,moderate
dev_pid_599,"As my depression gets worse I feel more and more like I’m in a dream : This used to only happen once in awhile but the last few months I wake up and still feel as if I’m in a dream state . Nothing around me feels real , even thinking back to past memories feel like it didn’t happen in this lifetime .. I can’t really describe it but it’s just a weird feeling .. really don’t like it",moderate
dev_pid_600,I'm scared of being lonely. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_601,"Why am I depressed? I don’t have a reason! : My older sister by 14 years has gone through a lot. My mom was 16 at the time that she gave birth to my sister and left my sister with others so that she could work and go back to school. We don’t have the same dad. Her father was abusive to my mom and she had to experience that first hand and she had to grow up faster than most children. I don’t know a lot of the details because my mom and sister keep that a secret but I’m sure it was traumatizing. My mom is not the most emotionally supportive, in fact she is emotionally abusive and she finds any little negative in every situation. I don’t think she was always this way, I think she became this way after all the abuse from her ex husband. My mom ended up remarrying then had me. I’ve been really lucky to grow up with both parents in my life and while my dad has always been supportive, my mom still was emotionally abusive. Compared to my sister I would say I’m lucky to grow up the way I did. Although I have experienced a lot of traumatic things myself and had to endure life growing up with medical conditions I think that my childhood growing up has been relatively better than my sisters. Anyways, what I don’t understand is how she (meaning my sister) lives. My sister has a reason to be depressed and I really don’t yet here I am depressed. And I feel bad because whenever she reaches out to me and I tell her what’s going on and she is so nice to me and encourages me to think positively yet I still find myself feeling worthless and like I’m just trapped in this horrible life and way of thinking. I don’t see a point in living and I really think everyone would just be better off without me yet why do I feel this way?",moderate
dev_pid_602,"How do I learn how to forgive? : I'm stuck. Its been a long time since I have wanted to move forward. Being hurt and angry is easier than accepting and forgiving. How do I move past this? I've been doing a lot of introspection, and I don't know how much longer I can continue this. I am trapped in my own head and tortured by my own thoughts.",moderate
dev_pid_603,"Hi : I honestly don’t know where to begin, I’ll try to say what I wanna say and not delete my own text, but I feel like I’m super hard on myself. Like I really wanna just go to sleep forever and never wake up sometimes because I fucking despise my life, I’ve pushed away a girl who really loved me, I got cheated on one time and felt like it was my fault. My best friend growing up died and instead of moving on I cut all my hair off and bottled it in not really telling anyone how I felt. All of my friends growing up have kinda cut me off because I’m kind of weird now. I sometimes start hitting my head when it starts to ring because I feel like I’m spinning when I’m not and I just wanna curl up in a ball and start crying but then I realize I’d look so stupid so I just start scrolling through instagram again or watching another youtube video that doesn’t really catch my attention but is merely background noise. Idk whats going on I hurt everyday and it just sucks it sucks so much I just can’t do this anymore and it hurts I want to cry rn but I’m trying to type. I want to just be held but nobody wants to talk to me anymore, I don’t even like having sex with girls anymore because I feel like they hate me, so now I’ve just been trying to be extra nice and careful but then none want to just hold me and tell me its ok. I’ve just been telling my parents I’m ok just so they don’t bombard me with questions and I just fucking cant, I’m trying to type this out but I reread it and it sucks. Sorry",moderate
dev_pid_604,"I don’t know anymore : I can’t take it anymore.
I try really hard to make friends. I feel like I push myself so hard to get someone to like me. No one text or calls me. When I try to talk to someone they seem so disinterested. I lay in bed right trying not to cry or scream. I just feel like how hard I try nothing good comes. I’ve been taking some medication and it makes everything worse. 
No one likes me.",moderate
dev_pid_605,"I told my mum : I told my mum how I feel, so that I feel depressed. She kinda made me tho. She told me ""It's not depression, it's just hormons. I had the same problem when your age, so don't worry. When you'll go to highschool, you'll get better. Don't worry sweetheart, let me take your life for 2 days and I'll make your life shine."" I didn't believe her at the first place, because ""Hey! You're sad for a month and nothing really happenned that could make you feel that way? It's just hormons 'cause you're a teen! Don't worry!"". Seriously? Someone would really think that? I know that I am only self diagnosed, but still, I don't really think it's just hormons. You don't cry for half of a day because of hormons, right?",moderate
dev_pid_606,"I don't know what to do : I don't know what to do
I feel so bad, and everytime I close my eyes the thoughts and sad feelings come back. I'm worthless, unwanted, and the useless one
I want help, but can't bring myself to ask my family for help, or to ask to get a therapist. I'm afraid I'm not actually depressed and just want attention, and I just want to be fine.",moderate
dev_pid_607,"Does anyone else struggle with empathy? Too much or too little? : For a long time now I’ve felt a sense of detachment from the people I know. There are probably only five people in my life that I consistently feel empathy for, otherwise it’s like they’re strangers. I feel callous and selfish but I always think that realistically they don’t care about me either. It just feels performative when something bad happens and everyone reacts with horror just because it’s what you *should* do. Does the cousin I’ve seen once in the past year actually care about me? What about the brother I didn’t grow up with? Why should I care about these people? Why don’t I feel *anything* for them?
But then I consistently feel intense empathy for absolute strangers. I’ll watch the news and a brief mention of our local homeless population will bring tears to my eyes, or I’ll see a video on reddit of a man listening to his dead son’s heartbeat and start openly crying. It’s not just strangers either, I feel overly empathetic toward fictional people, too. I’ll feel gutted for days after I read or watch anything even a little sad. 
I feel like there’s this persistent malaise in my life and I can’t care about anything that’s real. Everything feels fake and it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is the constant daydream.",moderate
dev_pid_608,"Hey guys : I hate to admit it but I’m depressed, I’m depressed and I feel very alone... I don’t have self validation. I’m crying as I type this",moderate
dev_pid_609,"Lost my sparks for drawing : You know, i've been drawing since i was a little kid. I love to draw anything and i love colors. I even used to make short comics or fanarts and i feel happy when people read them and make them feel what i feel. I even go to a design school and i'm in my 3rd year of design college.
But lately i've been feeling down. I dont feel the sparks anymore. I don't know what to draw. Everytime i draw i feel like my art and drawing don't grow better. Just there stuck in the same spot. I tried to publish my art on any social media platform but it doesn't reach to people. A few likers, no followers or comment. I tried advertising commission of my arts in fiver but no one want to commiss me although i place the cheapest price.
I started to think that no one likes my art. I start to question myself about what's the point of doing it anymore. I dont have anymore purpose to do it again. I stopped drawing recently. I can't bring myself to hold pencil or pen to draw anymore. There's this voice inside my head keep telling me to give up. Yeah tell me i'm not trying. I've been trying. Upgrade my skill, doing this or that but still none of it works. I'm starting to get tired. I start to cry a lot and feel numb. I feel lifeless...
I feel so useless. I feel like what i've been doing all these years are useless. I dont know what to do anymore. Even now when i have design assignment from college i feel terribly forced doing it. I quit drawing. But there's a little part of me wants to do that. But the voice keeps telling me to stop whenever i want to start. I dont want this. I want to give up. I feel so confuse in some days i just want to die or do suicide to let go.
What should i do?",moderate
dev_pid_610,"Just need to know what people think of my story (it’s written like this because I have autism and I would’ve got lost also I live in Australia so schools are different primary school is kindergarten to year 6 and high school is year 7 to year 12) : It all started at the end of 2012 when I was told I had to do year 3 again. This one small decision my primary school made fucked up my life. 
2013
People don’t want to be friends with the dumb kid that failed year 3 but no one had the guts to say anything instead ignored me so I went from having friends to having nothing
My teacher that year was a dick to everyone who couldn’t affect her job
By the end of the year I became friends with Nikita
2014
I lost my so called best friend Aidan he moved school this year. Teacher was better “she use to play netball with my grandmother when my mum was around 10 to 12” she got me into books nothing really happened this year except a girl Brittany left for high school it comes in to play next year
2015
Brittany was always there protecting me to a point where I didn’t know what people thought of me so now she’s gone there was nothing stoping the bullying that com. People would tell me things like “how stupid do you have to be to repeat year 3?” “ what a retard, she so dumb she failed year 3?” “What a freak” And the icing on the cake was the teacher was letting this happen sometime adding to it. we were going to Canberra for camp around $800 per student I wish I stayed at school it was 5 days of hell
I was what you called clinically depressed( I think that’s right) I hated the thought of get out of bed let alone go to school
Nikita’s mum died this year I tried my best to help her get through this but she pushed me away if only I tried harder maybe the girl I know wouldn’t have died and we wouldn’t have just a mask ( I can’t look at her let alone talk to her with out feeling guilty)
2016
This year was the worst of all of them at this point but at the same time it wasn’t I had an amazing teacher that actually cared about me she did anything and everything she could do to protect me from the bullying she even took me out of the two hours of lote because she couldn’t stop them also me and Nikita aren’t friends anymore she became a bully. The bullying got worse it was so bad that I would question if people would care if just died i truly  believed no one would care if it wasn’t for miss Cav and May-Pat ( game theory/ film theory) on YouTube I don’t know were I would be right now I did because friends with a girl named Beth and a boy Dylan but I unknowingly pushed them away only noticing after is was to late
2017
I’m now a year seven new leaf but still with so many people who treated me like shit but I was nice if they need something I’d let them borrow my, they needed help if I could I would help but even a small mistake I’m plastered the bad guy and a horrible person the irony to that I was nice to them even when they had treated me like shit and I’m the bad guy here
Also meet me abusive ex girlfriend (even now in 2020 just talking about her hurt so much)
2018 - now
When every I let someone see me see my flows they end up leaving
Friend- moved school
Friend - never was really my friend
Teacher - moved schools
Teacher- moved school
Brother figure - moved school 
You can see my point the one rule I will never forget from the last 4 years of primary was “you show any negative emotion like sadness or depression you are weak and you must hide it”",moderate
dev_pid_611,"Brother passed away. I want to join him : Brother was found dead Tuesday. Been driving myself crazy and asking why, why him? Why not me instead. I've  knocked in death's door and somehow me the biggest piece of shit somehow I'm still here. 
Struggling alot cant really confide in no one, feel like everyone is tired of being there for me.",moderate
dev_pid_612,"These are just empty thoughts, it’s 3am where I live...no sleep for the weak : It seems like no matter how hard I try I always fall back into the pit. I may be younger than most, but I’ve been dealing with mental health issues my entire life. Mental illness defines me, I try to imagine my life without any of it but I can’t. I can’t imagine myself being happy or successful, feels like it wasn’t meant to be. Whenever I feel “okay” I know to expect a big crash later on. I’m a pawn, I get used by everyone all the time. My tolerance and acceptance of others is my biggest flaw. I hate that I’m nice to those that don’t deserve it, I hate that I’m struggling to stay alive at an age that I should only be worrying about having boyfriends or what kind of clothes I like to wear. I will never get the opportunity to know who I really am because all these problems are drowning me and I can’t swim, no matter how dedicated I’ve been to learning. I’ve tried to break the cycle, refresh my mind and alter the chemicals in my head but sometimes it’s just out of your control. Nowadays I break easily; I’ll have a suicidal episode around this time on a weekday and I’m just expected to attend class a few hours later. It’s so unhealthy and I’m not sure how much longer I can do it. Other times I feel the opposite: I get hot flashes, my blood burns, pressure on the inside of my skull, everything is itchy and I want to break things. My intrusive thoughts tell me to stab myself and the people around me...scenes play in my head. I don’t know what’s wrong with me
I’m tired of my emotions fighting each other in general. If I’m not numb I’m feeling everything. I just want to be a kid, I never had a childhood. Life isn’t fair, life isn’t enjoyable. I don’t know what brings me joy. How will I choose a career? I’m too crippled to be a productive member of society. The only reason I’m here today is because of family, but they can’t guilt me into staying forever. My suicide is inevitable, my death is inevitable, life has no meaning. We’re just a clump of cells",moderate
dev_pid_613,Depression from Options Trading : Hi all I think I might have depression. Last week I discovered this cool subreddit related to betting options and so I took a position expecting sharemarket to go down but last night it went up and I am broke and I am sad. Just wanted to share with you all.,moderate
dev_pid_614,"self-help books/websites to help me manage my depression : hey everyone i was hoping someone could help me find books or websites that may help me manage my depression. 
A little backstory: I've been depressed for as long as i can remember (i'm currently 19, almost 20). I've tried meditation, I've tried working out and eating healthy (this for some reason threw me into a depressive episode). I haven't been diagnosed by a psychologist or a therapist and unfortunately I don't have the option to go and seek professional help. I cant talk to my family about it either. 
Lately its been getting out of hand. I'm having more and more outbursts of anger, I'm getting more and more irritable. 
If anyone could tell me anything that might be useful I would greatly appreciate it.",moderate
dev_pid_615,So what’s the reason to get better? : I don’t see any. But what’s the reason to not get better? Many.,moderate
dev_pid_616,"Waking up is torture : I wake up, instantly upset when I realize my brain is on and I’m controlling my eyes again. As I slowly regain consciousness I quickly regain my hatred for myself and my life. I switch between extreme anger and true sadness, I lay up for hours before I have to start the day and pretend to be normal, usually reading suicide posts, or googling what’s wrong with me. I put on a mask and start my day trying not to effect ppl around me, I bottle it all up and I’m really good at it for the most part, it’s just so exhausting always hiding myself to spare ppl. One morning I’d like to just not wake up. I actively am jealous when ppl I know die, but obviously can’t express that ppl would look at me crazy, but it’s the truth",moderate
dev_pid_617,"I hate depression. : Trigger warning and this is just a rant 
I’m not even sad I just feel empty, it’s so hard to ever get anything done. Even small tasks like brushing my teeth or cleaning the house are so hard and I’m so sick of people saying it’s easy or it’s a “choice” to get better. I have tried for multiple fucking years you think if I had a choice I wouldn’t just stop being depressed and be normal. I would love to not have any mental disorders. I don’t even consider depression an disorder it’s disease, it slowly eats at your soul until you can’t bear it anymore. I try so hard at school and losing weight and I can’t, it’s easy I know I could easily do it but my brain doesn’t let me. Every time I start doing good my brain just fucks with me and makes me shut down. I hate it I fucking hate it. Depression makes it so much harder to live everyday I have suicidal thoughts and I’m sick of it but they never seem to go away. I feel so hopeless in this cycle of living. I don’t know much how longer I can genuinely take living. The only time I feel normal and actually good is when I binge eat or get high and none of those are sustainable for long periods of time. I want to be a normal teenager but I just waste my highschool in my room doing jack shit playing videos games and eating. I wish I was just born differently.",moderate
dev_pid_618,"My life is falling apart. : I had a great job that I loved, the only problem is that it was in a country in Europe, while I come from Asia. I studied my Master's in this country and got a job. I work in the charity sector. I lived there for 2 years. In the meanwhile, I met the most amazing man ever, we got engaged last year in September. So to extend my work visa, the first condition was that I had to get a job that paid €30,000 a year. I got another job where I worked and I got the pay I needed. It seemed like the paper work for this permit was pretty straightforward. I filled out the form till the last section. It was about how this job was advertised. The charity that I worked in advertised it on their website. I applied for the job and had an interview and everything. I WAS NOT JUST GIVEN THIS JOB UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I EARNED IT. Now, what the government wanted was this job to be advertised on very specific platforms like a national newspaper and radio for 2 weeks and a website for job seekers to give them the best chance to apply for this job. 
I asked my workplace if they would be happy to advertise this job again, I would apply for it, or if they were happy to get in touch with the immigration department on my behalf (since they are the biggest charity of that country) and try to seek some help. They out right refused. I was given a letter that said that my job contract was only valid till 14/12/2019 because that is the day my visa expired as well. They would extend it if I got a valid visa extension.
I went to a solicitor, he said that I would waste around €3000 on this visa application, there was only a 5% chance that would get the visa, I won't get a refund on the application fees and the visa officers take this advertisement clause seriously and I do not meet the criteria. He asked me to get in touch with my workplace again and see if they're willing to advertise it again. They denied again. 
My fiance and I don't necessarily have the money to get married right now. It also does not feel right to get married just for a visa. I know it would be the easier way out but this is not why we want to get married. 
We decided to move to Canada in 2020. Because he is from that European country, he's okay in terms of Canada visas, he already got his visa. My visa to his country expired in December 2019 and I came back to my country after spending Christmas with his family. 
It was one of the hardest things I have had to do, saying goodbye to my friends there, my colleagues and the beautiful home my fiance and I lived in together. I cannot get over how unjust this was. I gave this charity everything I had for the last 2 years and all fucking HR could say was we're so sorry. 
I came back home to Asia, my life here is falling apart too. My parents have lived in a love less marriage for 27 years now. They hate each other, each others families. My dad's been cheating on my mom for 10 years now, we all know it. My mother has the darkest circles under her eyes and her health has degraded so much in the past few years, on the other hand my dad is progressing towards becoming a full blown alcoholic. 
They're finally separating. I'm glad about it. They stayed together all this time just to raise me and my brother and because of the ""what will people say"" mentality of the society we live in. My family is falling apart though, celebrating festivals will never be the same, my brother and I won't have one permanent home anymore, we'll always visit our parents separately.
I also have to borrow some money from my father to take to Canada because what I had saved is not enough. Almost every day when my father is drinking, I hear him talk on the phone to his relatives or friends accusing me of how I have made him spend all this money, how he will never get it back, how I've made him a poor man. I've said it to him that I will start paying him back as soon as I start working. My fiance is also back in his home country, working and saving up for our move. 
He's a brilliant partner. He came to see me in my country for about 3 weeks. He looks after me, knows what I'm going through and he's always there to talk to me or just be sad with me. I don't mind the distance between us, it's only for a few months. 
But I'm hopeless about everything else in my life. We started to plan our wedding, we decided that we'll do it by the end of 2021, after we have settled in Canada with new jobs and everything. 
But no. I do not feel happy or excited about a single thing. I know that I should be grateful, I have my mom and my fiance and my best friend, I know they're always here for me but nothing is helpful. Nothing at all. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. My career is in shambles, my parents are breaking up, my home is breaking up. My confidence, my happiness, my attitude, everything has been broken down in the past few months. There's something eating me up from the inside but I still don't feel like I can talk to anyone around me. I cannot take it anymore. I've hurt myself in the past and it scares me how good it actually feels. I'm trying not to do it again. All the things that I found happiness in before, I simply don't now. Just getting out of bed is the hardest thing to do. I try to sleep for most of the day, it makes it less painful. I don't know if I'll ever feel better. Does it get better? Will it every get better? Someone please say yes, please say that it will get better. It has to. I can't feel like this forever, please make it stop.",moderate
dev_pid_619,"Don't be the target.. : All my school years was a rough patch even then I still think being as a young adult is still a rough patch. I've always been bullied then I would never come to school for a month or I would have to keep switching schools. I always chose the wrong friends and online I would always be down to meet new people cause I was very active and out-going. But some things have changed me, people changed me.  I always chose the wrong people they have ruined my life as much were I would commit into cutting any part of me off once with a kitchen knife. I've always went to fights after school because I'd like see where I would stand if I became the bully like these crowds. Now that I've been with this relationship it's been 4 years with him I'm always finding things out on his phone weather if it's talking to these girls he never once mentioned as if they had something special once I still gave him chances when really all I wanna do is end things with him. He is something else special that no other person would do he's kind and all but I would always be so miserable like I was never grateful of things he did, still don't. I'm just known as a miserable person and no one seems to accept that. There were times in our relationship where I just wanna disappear without saying a word to anyone who cared for me. I'm useless of a life and jobless, I just feel like a gold digger and I hate feeling like a useless gf and a daughter a family doesn't want. Nothing just satisfied me, I was never happy just faking it all the time, people take advantage of me or just use me and leave me. You just can't trust anyone no more.",moderate
dev_pid_620,Today is my 24th birthday and I feel nothing : The title is all,moderate
dev_pid_621,"There's no way to kill the loneliness : I've been trying everything to feel less lonely ,but nothing works and I have no one. I feel like everyone I meet just let's me down and only uses me. I'm really tired of feeling this alone and nothing changes it ,no matter what I do
Nothing's going to fix how I feel and I think the only way to fix it is to die.",moderate
dev_pid_622,"I don’t feel anything anymore. : A while ago, it started. The comparisons were back. The backlash. The punishment. The lies. 
“You’re not good enough.”
I fought back. I tried so hard to fight back. I tried to hide, going to my friend’s house, knowing they’d use it against me at one point. At least I could say something. I had a voice. I could say what was wrong. 
“I wish I gave you up when I had the chance.”
Then I started to just stop. Stop trying. To just exist. I didn’t feel any physical or mental pain. Just this dark feeling is nothingness. 
“You should be grateful you’re still alive.”
I don’t know how to describe it. I’m not happy. Sports don’t help anymore. Volleyball isn’t safe anymore. I’ve run out of tears. 
“You’re a fucking demon. I hate you.”
Now i have just accepted it. I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough for the attention my friends give me that I crave so badly that I cry when they ask if I’m okay. I’m not good enough to invite with for plans. I’m not good enough to be recognized for any work. 
You know how hard it is? To ignore the razor that I’m itching to reach, but just knowing that it’ll make things worse if my parents find out? The fucking hell I’ll go through? Not to heal, but to fucking hide the fact that I just wanted to feel something, ANYTHING. Anything to just feel like maybe my soul is still here, that I’m still here. But I can’t. 
I know how worthless I am now. All my feelings are shattered. I’m fucking broken. I can’t feel anything else. I can’t feel anything but how broken and empty I am. 
I’m broken.",moderate
dev_pid_623,"my stepmom is trying to make me homeless : so, yesterday I accidentally read a text from my stepmom on my dads phone, and she was talking trash about me, saying it's time I move out. I sometimes hear them talking about me at night when i get up to get a snack and it's usually about how bad my mental health is.  I have some pretty bad anxiety issues so being kicked out will put that into overdrive, and with my asthma the anxiety attack will probably kill me. I'm scared, I can't bring it up cause my stepmom will use that against me and say I'm an eavesdropping rat or something. my eyes are burning with tears and my heart is racing, I'm trying so hard just to get by but every day is getting harder and the nights are getting longer. I don't know what to do or where to turn anymore.. maybe the world would be better off without me after all, I'm just a waste of oxygen at this point",moderate
dev_pid_624,"im gonna die and no one is gonna care : I'm probably going to die by suicide and no one is going to notice or care. the main thing that prevents me from actually killing my self is i don't want to be even more of a burden, i don't want someone to haft to clean up my body but im not sure how much longer this is going to stop me",moderate
dev_pid_625,"Welp.. : I never really had a normal friendship or a girlfriend, had it good sometimes with family mostly bad though, since I was always the fuck up.. didn’t experience a lot. It sucks that I’m gonna miss out on all that. I hate to admit that I’m depressed and lonely, I always denied it or tried to pay attention to something else but it was always underlying, and I would focus back on the emptiness. I guess I’m letting it consume me",moderate
dev_pid_626,"Misunderstood : I find this weird obession with artist that have passed away. It feels like im looking for a message that I missed in their art or excistance. I often feel like they knew what the edge of life is, and that through their eyes I can know what its like to be alive. Yet somehow I dont. I know that death will find me one day. Yet im not scared, its almost like a universal law. To me even if I lose against everyone ive ever known I know we are the same. The best way I could put it in my words is imagine you're affraid of losing everything you have ever know, but everything you have ever know feels the same. Fear is a powerful thing that makes many people act there worse but can you honestly blame them? I know that in the end we are all apart of the animal kingdom and it's a dog eat dog world but does it have to be? I mean we aren't dogs and we clearly don't eat each other but does that mean we can't show faith and humilty to those who need it. I feel like all these poeple are screaming that pain can sometimes be forgotten, but pain is all they knew. THEIR STRUGGLES OR FEELINGES SHOUDN'T BE FORGOTEN. The struggles of man are a vase and wonderful thing they can create and desytroy poeple. Maybe i'm just looking somewhere I shouldnt. I often feel like my heart is going to burst with the love that would've made them all right but I know thats not the kind of person I am. I know that these wrong doings and these terrible things lead them to be them, but somehow I wish I could change it all, I wish they could had the 1/10 of love I had while growing up. Thats when I typically realize they wouldnt be them with it. Perhapse i'm estranged because I can understand there pain even though I havent felt it, maybe i'm just another goody two shoes looking for pain because that is what gets my rocks off but deep in my heart I feel like people deserved better. Yet it feels so wrong to want better for someone else it seems like the only time your allowed to put someones life above your own is by being an emergency doctor. It's like emotions and medical are all so seperated. Like gettening better doesnt invovle being happieness yet i've felt so sick for so long. I just want this to end with im not your savor im not your solution im just the same asshole listening to the same music behind another keyboard. Maybe tomorrow the sun will rise in a smile.",moderate
dev_pid_627,Depressed ever since my boyfriend fell off a cliff : Yes he survived. But we broke up and he doesnt want me back. I cant get rid of the memories of him in hospital and the separation anxiety is making me suicidal. My parents dont get why I'm so upset and wont help me. But this is a cry for help,moderate
dev_pid_628,"I am my illness : I am become nothing but my mental illness. I hate and disgust myself on every level. If i could erase myself then it would be to the net benefit to the lives of those around me, but I know that my death would deeply traumatise my kids etc. I feel so trapped. Just want to remove myself from life entirely. Feel this way all the time to one degree or another, so very intensely right now though. (Don't reply, esp to say comforting nothings, I just need to say it somewhere.)",moderate
dev_pid_629,"Fear and pain are working both ways for me right now. : I fear the next 30-40 years in pain and alone. 
I fear death itself, one way into oblivion never to exist or know I existed. Not knowing I was once alive. Not having a thought. Never to return forever. 
I fear messing it up and living the rest of my life in a worse physical state on top of my emotional pain. 
No matter how bad it gets. The first fear may drive me to want to die. But the second and third might keep me alive till it's times turn to take me.",moderate
dev_pid_630,"I can't fight for my life anymore : I'm dealing with a depression for 6 months. Idk why but I am felling like I am doing everything wrong and nobody loves me. I tried to kill myself twice but it wasn't successful. 
Nobody knows including my friends and family. I don't want to load them with my problems. To cry isn't a solution anymore. I think if I'm dying my family will be happier. They deserve a better child than I am. I've had enough hurting myself",moderate
dev_pid_631,I wanna end it can someone message me? : ,moderate
dev_pid_632,"Somewhat of a weird thought disturbs me : I used to be a very happy kid \[Male\] but that ended in 2015, when I turned 10. I am always the one left behind, fat shamed, introvert, little disappointing as a student. I, sometimes post hate replies just to feel better.
The first time, in 2015, I knew something was wrong, when my grades were going down the drain. And then my dad started scolding me for small stuff such as not wanting to/ being able to talk to guests that visited. 
My dad was the best dad till 2014, but then I guess someone in the clouds, flipped some switch and bam, things turned around overnight.
Now I survive just by talking to teens who reached out to me on discord to help me but they, and I know, noone else knows my problem.
I take nostalgia deeply, music and old photos etc.
I torture myself by not sleeping all night and planning suicides, but never having the courage to do it.
My dad has never tried to take me to a psychologist or something, even though he knows he should, for sure.
I produce music and I made a plan of how I would die, inspired by Avicii .
Now I am stuck in a loop, because I know I don't want to live, but I can't have the courage to die.",moderate
dev_pid_633,why cant i feel anything? : im 19 years old. i feel as if im unable to be happy no matter where/when/how i try. i am so terrified of growing up! ive struggled with depression on and off in highschool. i had three great years before i graduated. now i feel like a lost little kid again. but this time is different. ik i have people i can talk to about it. plz help. need someone to tell me its gonna be ok,moderate
dev_pid_634,"You better go on and love yourself : No one needs you more than #You! 
No one will be there more than #You 
And no one will Love you more than #You 
You can have the whole world by your side, but at the end of the day, No one got you more than yourself 😘
Make yourself, your own ride or die, because it really is the truth",moderate
dev_pid_635,I miss something : I am the only who misses something that you never had?,moderate
dev_pid_636,"My father cheated on my mother and I never wanted to accept reality so I simply told my brain to forget it : I never fully forgot it but I always wanted to forget it since I couldn‘t face my family with that fact. And it worked. But as things got worse and worse reality is catching up to me. My family is on the edge of a divorce and my mother doesn‘t even know about this. I‘m 19 atm and I found out about it 10 years ago. They all act like everything is ok but one small emotional outbreak could trigger a night long discussion. 
My father was acting different back then and I knew something was wrong. Since my curiosity was so big as a kid I waited when everyone went to sleep and checked my fathers cellphone (yea I know not the best thing to do). I found an dating app within it and a contact saved as x. I went through the messages, I don‘t remember what I read but what I know now is that he cheated on my mother. I never knew how to tell her and I fully knew that I could destroy my family with that. So I kept quiet. 
My family has achieved so much since the last years. We build a big house and made it somehow through a financial crisis.  I always thought when I tell my family - my future will be ruined. I always put me in front of everything. I didn‘t want to lose my pathetic life what I have now. My room and my privacy is everything I have. It sounds like nothing but I lose everything if I tell them. 
In a matter of fact I don‘t care about my parents anymore. But I care about my little brother. He deserves parents and I think I could ruin his future too. This is going on since years and even when my emotions were boiling I never used my knowledge of that as an argument. I knew how to deescalate things. I don‘t know what to do anymore it is eating me up from the inside. I never told anyone about that but I have to share it somehow now",moderate
dev_pid_637,"The last couple of days has been very dark for me. : I can't necessarily explain the circumstances because it's too long of a story to tell...but i can say this, an aquintance of mine, that I haven't spoken with for 7 or 8 years, that I often credit for helping changing my life for the better. Seeing him be successful in life as well as with his friends and family, Makes me angry (at myself) at the way I treated him, when I was around him. It also frustrates me because he was in contact with my aunt, who also helped me, who unfortunately passed away nearly 3 years ago (to the day). And frankly my relationships with (of) my family and friends reflects this. I hate my life, how I push people away, all because I have this subconscious fear of a someone hurting me.  I honestly think that sometimes everything and everyone would be better off I had not existed.",moderate
dev_pid_638,"Sometimes i just feel like you fucking liying to myself : I tell myself Im fine and I'll heal ,maybe I don't want do die maybe I don't won't to live 
I tell myself Im ok but in ever moment of silence I know im not im just hide it I fucking hate lying yet I keep say im fine it's not like im purposely working myself to death or anything right? It's totally normal to go a month or so without a day off. Im not subconsciously trying to kill myself slowly of exhaustion am I? Fuck",moderate
dev_pid_639,"I’m done in a few months or so : 14 years of depression whilst having the perfect life I could ever ask for. Well, not perfect but great. I am loved and have a great support system. I am taking meds and nothing is working. I don’t think this life is for me. I feel like I’m living in someone else’s body because it seems like happiness is around me but it’s like reaching for the sun. I’ll never get it. At this point, I’m just taking up space. I’m just making sure my dog will be well taken care of and going to start going through my stuff to see who would find it useful. I’ll be graduating engineering this May so I guess might as well finish it since I suffered in that major enough. But after that, I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I have different scenarios in my head but no concrete plans.
I hope you all of you guys find happiness. You deserve it. Love you all.",moderate
dev_pid_640,"corona made it worse : im very sad about not going to school anymore. I'm a senior so it's the last months of highschool for me and they got canceled. for a while now i haven't been able to study for tests, books don't interest me anymore, i dont do art... i have no motivation whatsoever and if i have an idea that I'm excited about I'm sick of it after a couple minutes. life just doesn't have that shine it used to have. my future and present look dull. this entire situation of being stuck at home with no regular schedule is really fucked up and i hate it. i havent gone out of bed in 16 hours and the tears have been rolling for 3 days straight. I'm afraid i wont see any friends or even my therapist. i know a lot of people are going through the same shit as me right now and some have it way worse than me with the financial situation and shit but I'm still sad as fuck. I'm afraid to fall into a depressive cycle and not come out of it. if any of y'all can share your thoughts on the situation in general I'd appreciate it♡",moderate
dev_pid_641,Feeling hopeless : My husband and I have been fighting for days over stupid shit. I am on edge all the time with him lately waiting for shit to happen. And if he doesnt start I do. I am not sleeping and I feel like shit. I have my defenses up and cant seem to lower it.,moderate
dev_pid_642,"Starting fresh : I’ve had a lot of thoughts and shit go through my mind and I’ve been hiding a lot of shit and cuts from my parents which was making me feel shame on myself. So I’ve finally f**k’n just had enough, i can’t live every day knowing that these thoughts could lead me to death or self torture, so... I wanna try and start fresh, try and drop all my shit thoughts and try and be positive, it’s gonna be hard but I’m having hope for the first time in a while. I’m hoping that trying to ignore my self thoughts and the things I’ve lied about don’t come back harder. 
If u too are struggling from depression or anything major try and start fresh, seek help or talk to a close friend or go to a helpline, it may help in some way, or it might not, u never know if u don’t try. My heart goes out to all people struggling from depression or anything major.❤️😔",moderate
dev_pid_643,Sometimes I don't even know: am I depressed or my life is just shitty? : I don't know how tell a difference.,moderate
dev_pid_644,Trans life : I’m transgender and thinking about how I’m going to need to take shots/medicine for the rest of my life is almost crippling to me.,moderate
dev_pid_645,"I Lied About Wanting To Get Better : A while ago a family member asked me if I wanted to get better, I said yes because I was scared they'd be angry at me if I'd have said no. 
Sometimes I feel like having friends would be nice but in truth I think they would just makes things more complicated, they'd be better off not knowing me. 
I'm scared to get better now because being like this is normal for me, I don't know how I could cope with being a ""normal"" functioning person again. It all seems so draining and difficult.
I wish I had a place I could go that was truly abandoned with no people whatsoever, I could just explore and enjoy the place without bothering other people or other people bothering me. 
Thanks for reading this if you did.",moderate
dev_pid_646,"Dreams : My best friend left me three months ago we were hanging I asked if she’s alright cause she looked tense and she just went off on me and walked out she won’t leave my dreams every time I close my eyes I see her I just want to talk to her again but at the same time I hate her cause that broke me when she left but at the end of the day I can’t fix it , the loves still there , and as much hatred burns for her I can never bring myself to say it why couldn’t you have just killed me",moderate
dev_pid_647,"Looks can be deceiving folks! : Do I look happy? Am i walking around with a smile on my face? Yes. Everyone says ""oh just fake it till you make it"" meaning fake being happy until you are happy. First off that sounds very unhealthy (not that I'm the poster boy of health) that's just suppressing emotions. And 2, theres no way in hell I can muster enough energy to act happy all day everyday. Because of my anxiety and depression I usually get like 4 maybe 5 hours of sleep a night. I act happy but when I get home i just break down completely.. I want to feel better",moderate
dev_pid_648,"Don't give up. : Depression is hard.
It's unseen, unheard, yet it's there like a dark veil covering you all the time.
I was in a very dark place.
My grandmother and grandfather passed away shortly after each other and then the girl I had been with for 5 years cheated on me and left me with an appartment I couldnt afford getting me into debt.  And then my aunt got cancer to make matters worse.
I barely had energy to get out of bed, let alone get up and go to work for a very shabby paycheck.
But I kept getting up, and went to work.
Stayed extra hours if I didnt make enough yet to pay my rent.
I was on autopilot like this for a long time, just barely going by my day to day life.
Social contact was getting less and less too.
I didnt reach out and eventually people stopped reaching out too.
I started smoking weed and started drinking a lot.
Gained a lot of weight because of it and an unhealthy diet of fastfood, but didnt care.
All the things I liked doing before, gaming, football, chilling with friends, became boring. Everything was boring.
I often had thoughts of just ending it, but didnt wanna do that to my mom who always tried to help.
So I just kept going like I was.
Then one day I just decided I had enough, yes the going had been rough, but I wouldnt let it get me down.
I started working out and getting in touch with friends I had lost contact with.
And started looking for a job that had a better pay to get out of my debts.
I found that job through a friend I reached out to again and got out of my debts.
Now I still have some dark days, but they are far less common then before.
And I feel like it's all getting a bit better slowly, but surely.
I understand this wont help everyone, and not everyone can just flip a switch one day and say enough is enough, it's not that easy, all I am saying is do not give up. That change could come someday.
It could be something inside yourself, or maybe something you witness happen.
A song, a movie, anything.
Just dont give up.
One day it might get better.
But it definitely wont if you give up.",moderate
dev_pid_649,"Want to start over : Im not depressed or sad or anything.
Its just like im angry at everyone and everything.
My parents,friends, everyone.Its like Im sick of everyone and everything .
And its hard living like that .
I just want to start over but dont know why.I dont know why im always on that angry and why everyhing bothers me and gets on my nerves.I used to be chill but now its like idk.
Fuck man",moderate
dev_pid_650,I hate this life : ,moderate
dev_pid_651,"ex moved on : So my ex moved on. its fucking hard man, like why couldn't she have been honest when we broke up, why couldn't she have said that i was the problem it would have made it so much easier. but no. she said that she wanted to take this year for herself, that she didn't want to date, but here we are 2 months later and she is seeing a new guy. like i dunno she's still my best friend and i want her to be happy but it feels like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest. i thought i'd moved on but it hurts so badly, i don't know if its just jealousy cause i haven't found anybody or what but i'm sad and angry.   like i knew i was the problem, we were talking just today after i found out and i asked her and she said i was too clingy and that but she never said anything when we were together. like i'm glad we broke up because i like being clingy, i like being super affectionate, and we made each other miserable. but it still really hurts. i've also recently moved abroad and i'm so lonely and homesick, plus my school just shut down cause of corona, i haven't been sleeping and i'm just so fucking overwhelmed right now. life just keeps hitting me over the head again and again and again, i don't know how much more i can fucking take.",moderate
dev_pid_652,"what i need the most right now : sorry if formatting is bad i'm doing it on my phone 
you know what would help me like shitloads? somebody, a friend or a professional, telling me they think i am depressed. it may sound counterintuitive, but i've felt low for 3 years since my friend abruptly left my school and for the entire span, i've felt, well, there's no other better word to describe it, depressed. it fluctuates, like some months i'm literally miserable and i might hit a few weeks of being numb then back to being miserable (yay). strangely enough, and i would've never seen it coming, i felt content for a while. this threw me off and although i always thought i was faking my gloom, this further convinced myself that i was really not that sad (despite having done self-harm acts such as cutting). these past 4 weeks have been superb however; i've been making efforts to speak to my friends but in the back of my brain, i know i WILL fuck it up and when i do, i WILL relapse and break my streak. currently, i feel good yet i still want a diagnosis but i don't know where to go and i am fucking terrified if i am truly not depressed because that will be my last straw.",moderate
dev_pid_653,2020 : 2020 is arguably the worst year for the World and me.,moderate
dev_pid_654,"Looking for an app : While working in retail during this crazy time I am finding myself putting others needs in front of my own. I recently had an upper respiratory infection for 10 days and just went back to work this week but not feeling 100%. My job is working us so hard I feel as though I can't get better. 
I was wondering if there was an app that would send notifications through out the day to remind you to stop and check in with yourself. 
Thank you.",moderate
dev_pid_655,I’m having a bad day : I had the house to myself for a month. I could’ve killed myself and no one would’ve been able to stop me. I should’ve done it when I had the chance.,moderate
dev_pid_656,"Maybe I'm better off dead : I've sunk so low into darkness and depression, to the point that I don't even think I can be saved, I tried therapy two times but they dont understand me and they don't understand the agony I feel everyday. The only positive thing from therapy that I got diagnosed by professionals so my family can't manipulate me into thinking that I'm okay and I'm faking it. I'm 22 years old now and I've spent the majority of my life in extreme levels of depression and anxiety and it did a horrible damage on everything in my life. I don't feel passion for anything anymore and I don't have any kind of hope for the future. It is logical that I will eventually kill myself before I get to 25 years old that's my destiny",moderate
dev_pid_657,"Advice on dealing with anhedonia and apathy? : Anyone here mastered the subtle art of dealing with apathy and/or anhedonia? I seem to have lost any interest in anything. To give some context, I'm not new at this, I've been through this before but I can't seem to recall how I ever got out of this state, unless I never did and just didn't notice it. Any advice?",moderate
dev_pid_658,"Crying and alone : Sorry in advance for the semi long rant. 
My boyfriend of 7yrs decided it was a good time to take a break for awhile or even, in his words to just break up. I'm devastated. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I realize that it isn't probably helping his depression either. He told me that when I get depressed, he gets depressed, that I need to find myself and he needs to find himself.  
I have no close friends, and my family doesn't really give me moral support. I lost my dad 4yrs ago, and the weight of everything he left was thrown at me. Which started making my depression worse. Before that I was getting better, slowly but better, then that happened and everything just crashed on me. His words still haunt me ""What are you going to do when I die? You're just probably going to lose everything."" He emotionally abused my mother and I for a long time. I feel it's PTSD but I wasn't officially diagnosed so I can't say. I have no insurance to go to a therapist. I tried a couple antidepressants one made me feel worse and the other made my eyes so dry, they hurt, so I haven't tried again. Now with Corona virus, my current seasonal job is stalled for 2 weeks. So I'm really in a depressed state. Video games are the only things that calm me, ever since I was a kid. Keeps my thoughts that never shut off out for a little while. 
I figured I put what I feel on here since I'm too afraid to say how I feel to anyone I know. I'm on my phone so sorry for some poor grammar. I'm not really paying attention.  
To the ones that read this, thank you for your time.. I don't want to get into more details at the moment..",moderate
dev_pid_659,"Music blasting through the walls : Hey, sorry, I thought I'd vent here considering when I tried to on facebook everyone just sorta was like ""Its saturday, why dont you blast some music"". 
I've finished a night shift at 7am and slept for a couple hours and have woken up to my neighbors blasting music for the past hour. It sounds like I'm neighboring a nightclub with the bass going through my walls. I'm almost having a nervous breakdown. I have to go back to sleep soon because I need more hours for work and dont get to do much but this is upsetting me. I cant even put in headphones to block it out because of its mainly loud bass.
I just want to lay down in silence for a bit before I have to go to sleep ans this is driving me mad and I've already broke down crying and started screaming at the top of my voice. I dont know what to do. I've never met these neighbors and because its a saturday I think people dont have my side.
It sounds louder than if my housemates were playing music through a kitchen, constant thumbing bass that is louder than my laptop. Its driving me insane and I just want to lay down and relax in my room.
Im a weak person so I cant go and ask them to stop, I dont even really know which one it s seeing it os loudest in my bedroom.",moderate
dev_pid_660,"I'm in freefall. I've never felt so isolated : i have no support network, i have no one. i have kids that want to go out and play but im fucking paralyzed by the thought of them getting coronavirus. i couldnt go anywhere even if that werent the case because i have an ev that has no charge. i was on r/divorce but i cant post on there, everyone else is talking about the things their spouses did to them, and i cant do that. im the piece of shit in this situation and frankly i cant hear other peoples problems right now.
i still love her, but i know things will never be the same. my life has slipped past me, and i know that with the way i express myself, there wont be a calm conversation between us. as usual i will do something stupid because i dont know how to deal with my emotions.
and so it goes, i will drive her further away and continue my spiral. i made it easy for her. she started disconnecting years before we separated, and i let it happen. i can only imagine that she went through what im going through right now on a longer timeline. at least i hope she did. not because of any hatred or animosity, but because it has only been 2 weeks and she is starting to go on dates, and it would hurt to be that disposable.
because i was stuck in a bubble, unable and unwilling to reach out and get help. now i need it and wouldnt ya know it all the therapists are closed on saturday. i would feel better just to set up an appointment. i used to consider myself a loner, because i guess i never really truly experienced what it is like to be alone. well, reaching out to random people on the internet as a blubbering mess, trying not to let the kids hear me whimpering in the next room is alone. they are missing their childhood because i cant cope with adulthood",moderate
dev_pid_661,"Realising my mother doesn't love me the way I love her : ... has made my current depressive episode so much worse.  Sure, she loves me,  about as much as you *have* to love your child.  She doesn't actually give a shit or anything. 
I know,  I sound like a child.  Unfortunately I'm very much an adult, something she started saying the second I turned 18, and has continued to say ever since.  It was never a good thing,  btw.  She views me as just someone who can no longer expect anything of her.  She checked out emotionally many years ago,  but that was when even the basic stuff,  she stopped doing.  
I understand most people aren't as close to their parents and probably wouldn't understand why I take this so hard.  The truth is that I went through some awful shit as a child and my mother was the one I could (usually) rely on.  We had a strong bond- she raised me all by herself, just the two of us.  She had me young, so we were often more like best friends than mother and child.  
Which is what made it so painful for me when I was going through a really awful time with my mental illness and she abandoned me as a teen.  
I don't think I've ever really recovered from the emotional abandonment. Most likely because I never really admitted that she doesn't love me all that much.  She loves her husband, and my little brother, and she loves her mom, and her friends, and her dog.  
She does not love me the way she loves everyone else in her life.  It's not that she doesn't love anybody,  it's that she doesn't love *me in particular.*
I'm a broken toy, one she doesn't care to fix, one she'd rather throw away. 
Things are pretty bleak right now, what with the fact that no one gives a shit about me and I have no friends and very little will to live, and these realisations are certainly not helping.  
I know it's unlikely that anyone will read this, as most of my posts here go unnoticed (and like the ones before,  I'll probably delete this when I realise no ones reading it lol), but if you are reading, thank you for taking the time to listen to me.  
I appreciate this place here,  where we can talk freely and openly in a way that other look down upon.  It's nice.",moderate
dev_pid_662,"Running out of time : I don’t have time to talk to anyone about the craziness going on in my life. I actually don’t have anyone to talk to either. But don’t have time to find a therapist etc. Don’t have time to make friends and seek support. I wouldn’t wanna burden people with having a depressed friend anyways. Or make friends just because I need them right now. I want people to need/want me around.... I don’t think anyone needs or wants to deal with a mentally ill person everyday.  But people make it seem like understanding or caring about someone else’s problems is the hardest thing in the world. They can’t empathize or put themselves in others shoes. I never made myself a “victim” in life even after the countless things I’ve been through. I was never seeking pity or sympathy from anyone, nor did I want them to care... I just wanted people close to me to understand what I’m going through so they could stop adding to my problems. But they don’t care and they don’t even try to understand what I’m going through. They just watch my life falling apart, in silence. Yet they expect me to be involved in their drama whenever they need me involved. 
I can’t believe I’ve been surrounded by heartless, selfish, thoughtless and ignorant humans my entire life. I wish this wasn’t my reality. I wish I could just sleep forever. But I have no choice but to “be strong” and face it all; All because I’m a mom and I have a child to live for. I didn’t plan to be a parent; Baby was a surprise. Fast forward 5 years >> I never imagined life would be so difficult for me! Now I’m tired of pushing through bad times. I’m tired of having to be strong. Tired of having to fight. But recently it’s not only humans affecting me, long term depression has led to procrastination and now Time is tic tocking against. Life is not for the weak. The race is for those who can endure... but I’m not sure I can’t take anymore. I tried it, I couldn't find it and Now I just want to get back to me. The peace I had before life became so difficult. I also got hit by a car while crossing at a cross walk 2 years ago and it ruined my life but who fucking cares. If anyone reads this and comments please don’t comment saying I am seeking pity or making myself a “victim” like my sister says I am because I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want any pity or sympathy, I just wish someone would try to understand what I’m dealing with but no one cares or tries to understand. I just want to die bc death seems like the only way for this nightmare to b over. But I have too much to live for. Feels like I am being forced to stay living in this shitty world. I try to find new things to love about this planet, distract myself from the dark side of my life. But I’m tired of being fucking optimistic all day everyday . Tired of turning the other cheek. All the rage is building up inside of me and I’m worried how it will be released. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I used to smoke weed to calm down and I don’t even want to smoke anymore. Nothing seems appealing anymore except death. I know I need to see a doctor but I seriously don’t have any fucking time for that. I don’t have time for therapy or anything like treatment or recovery. I just want the problems and problematic people to disappear but that is certainly not possible. I might as well just die",moderate
dev_pid_663,"Happy 18th Birthday. : My ex boyfriend’s birthday is today. i miss him. he’s an amazing human being and i broke up with him for the wrong reason. i should have stayed with him. he makes me so happy, and now he’s gone. he told me not to talk to him anymore, so i told him to block me on everything. he did it, no questions asked. he’s probably over me already. he has so many girls begging to fuck him, how couldn’t he be? this sucks, and i hate myself for doing it. all i can think about is him. i hate this. how do i get my mind off of this, it’s destroying me.",moderate
dev_pid_664,"A lot of people say I'm a genuine, sweet, good guy, but I don't know if I really am, or if that's just a nice way of saying I'm a push-over : I've even been dumped for being ""too nice"". I'm not under any illusions, ""too nice"" isn't actually what they mean. But a lot of people have told me I'm a really good person, but is that really a *good* thing? I'm not saying assholes always win, but I feel in a way being told I'm a genuine, kind person is like saying I'm a passive and spineless",moderate
dev_pid_665,"Have you faced indifference or utter negligence, to the point of non-existent, towards mental illness/es and mental health by interviewer/s while switching jobs or getting back to education? : What does it reflect? And how does it make you feel?
It hurts me and leaves me speechless!!",moderate
dev_pid_666,"I decided that every step counts : Sometimes your big break in life comes as you wait. Not because you're idly waiting, but because you're taking small steps to change as you wait. 
Whether it's being brave enough to put a smile on your face when you don't feel like it, or it's being able to finally fall asleep at 4am, every small step counts.
My Dad abandoned us when I was 5 and my mom puts that blame on me, home was and still is a hellhole for me. My ex took her own life a few years back because of her family's bullying and I still can't help but think that I should've done better to support her when I could. I've been battling bed bugs for years and I can't afford to exterminate them, so I sleep in constant physical and mental pain every night. I can't open up enough to build quality friendships because of the trauma of being bullied and betrayed when I was younger. My random anxiety and panic attacks keep me from being efficient at work and it affects me deeply when I burden my team. I've attempted to take my own life plenty of times but failed miserably because the thought of my siblings having to deal with a lost kills me inside. 
I'm not okay and I've been battling depression for God knows how long and I'm still fighting it as I write this. But I made the decision to count every small win in hopes that one day, someday, I might get better and just become a better me.
I might succeed, I might not. But I decided that I want to try to get better. And I hope that anyone who sees this can try to as well, so that if we do win this war, we won't win this alone.",moderate
dev_pid_667,"Is life really not for everyone? : I came across this question on Reddit sometime ago and it has stuck with me ever since. Every now and then, I ask myself the same question - Is life really not for me? 
I tried to live like a normal person, I really did. But I can’t. 
I lost three of my loved ones to death over a span of 7 years. I started shutting myself out because I was so depressed. Now I find myself not having any true connection with any of my friends anymore... So I don’t tell them my problems. Neither can I turn to my family because I didn’t want them to worry about me, especially since they have seen me made a little progress last year. 
But lately I have fallen back into the darkness again. 
I started skipping classes and my project mates think that I’m free-riding them and probably hate me for that. I don’t know how and don’t want to explain to them either because they will never understand. I want to contribute something but I can’t catch up with the pace of the class because my depression and anxiety are affecting my concentration. 
Then my mental health caught up with my physical health. When I get stressed I fall sick and my productivity drops even more. I can’t even complete a simple assignment now.... These made my anxiety even worse.
And I have been evergreen for my entire life. 
With all the aspects in my life going wrong, do you understand why I asked if life is for everyone now? 
I shouldn’t say this but sometimes I really wish I was the one who died instead. My loved ones, they fought so hard on the hospital bed, trying to stay alive, up until their last breath... made me feel guilty for wanting to die and throw away my life like that. But I really don’t think I can hang on for much longer anymore. This is too much to bear.",moderate
dev_pid_668,"Day 52 : Yep... Still here. Still somehow surviving. With all the shit going on in the world you would think it'd be easier? 
I regretting have made any decisions in the past bit. I feel like I am just fucking everything up. I have no clue what I am doing anymore. I have had so many low points. And it always come back to the sinking feeling. Like I cant get out of this pool of garbage. But that part of me doesn't mind. 
Maybe I deserve something like that. How am I to judge how good of a person I am. I could be the rudest asshole Out there. Whatever. Maybe what I tell myself is true. I deserve this.",moderate
dev_pid_669,"I just fucked up with this girl because of my insecurities : So, I just lost all my chances with this girl I've fallen for. Why? Because of my insecurities and lack of self esteem. I'm so bad at living that even being shitty fucks up my life. I'm so fucking stressed and sad right now, she is amazing, she is always there when I need her, and now, I just fucked up because I think everyone is better than me and I'm just a waste of time",moderate
dev_pid_670,Does anyone else’s depression come in waves ? : I will have periods of a few days where im happy and feel great and im productive and then all of the sudden im depressed again. Usually the depressive phases last longer :/,moderate
dev_pid_671,"you saved me. : i’d die for you.  
a million times over,  
i’d die for you.  
without a doubt,  
i’d die for  
the way your eyes soften  
whenever you call my name,  
and  
the way you laugh  
that lets me know you’ve got a story to tell;  
gladly,  
the way you breathe  
when you fall asleep,  
consistently, rhythmically,  
then all of a sudden,  
gently;  
easily,  
the way you pull me close  
and sigh, contently,  
as if i’m someone you’ve been waiting for,  
and i am finally here;  
but  
it’s easy;  
it’s all too easy,  
because death is a friend.  
i’ve been chasing her for some time now.  
so instead,  
i promise you something else—  
something difficult,  
something real.  
darling,  
i’ll live for you.  
i will live,  
for you.",moderate
dev_pid_672,"I’m now going to counseling : A couple of weeks ago, I made a post asking for people to give me a reason not to kill myself. Everyone helped a TON, and I pulled through without a scratch. Recently, I returned to these thoughts, and decided that it was time for a change. I called a suicide prevention hotline, and went to see my doctor. I’m now going to counseling, and am feeling a million times better.
Tl;dr: had suicidal thoughts, and now I’m going to counseling thanks to other’s help.",moderate
dev_pid_673,"I don’t know what’s going on. : So the past few day’s I’ve been feeling down and worse then usual. I’ve had a few breakdowns the past days, and I just don’t know what’s causing this to come back up this time. Also for some odd reason this morning I’ve been mixed with emotions, I went to release my emotions but when I try to I start to shed tears but then switches like nothing ever happened to begin. So I don’t now if I’m just really messed up or it’s mood swings, but I want this to end. I’m so tired of constantly being overwhelmed with emotions, suffering, emptiness, and lowered self confidence. I wish I had a normal and perfect life again but I know that will never happen, bc no matter what I try it all goes downhill. So yea I’m a mess.",moderate
dev_pid_674,"I don't know if there's something wrong with me, : or I just can't manage to live... Normal life..? I have these ""phases"" time to time where I really want to stop existing, I'm planning my suicide, self-harm myself, fall into addictions (like smoking cigs or drinking alcohol)  have instant changes of style, interests and lifestyle as a whole... And this is happening without any reason really. And during this I am not sad. I'm suprisingly calm and numb... I'm scared that someday, I wont have enough motivation keep living (??) during this. And I have friends I have good, loving family, good art school... School is really stressful and tiring, but I love being here. 
And to this time I don't know if this is part of personality or problems with mental health or just constant cry for attention. 
I just search for answer on question ""Should I go search for help, or just stop complain and get my shit together..?"" 
Thanks in advance...",moderate
dev_pid_675,"i wouldn't be depressed if i was better looking : people don't care about ugly ass people like me. i just like to imagine if i was good looking how much more people would care about me, but since im an unattractive guy no one will even bother being friends or in a relationship with me. i can't even look at pictures of myself without being reminded of how bad i look. my life would be completely different if i was tall and good looking. why good looking people deserve more than i do. the only difference between them and i is they happened to be born that way. people like me are always subconsciously discriminated against simply because of our appearance",moderate
dev_pid_676,"I was finally getting to a good place and I just got laid off because of the Coronavirus outbreak. : I’m really not sure where to go from here. 
Last year was super rough for me but I finally felt like I was in a good place. I’ve been happy more days then not, haven’t been oversleeping or missing out on things and finally started cleaning up after myself but now I don’t know where to go. 
My housing is tied to my job and they’re letting me stay there for now but who knows how long this will be. I don’t want to end up homeless and in a put again. I guess I’m just scared and not sure where to go from here. I just needed to get it out there.",moderate
dev_pid_677,i cant stop crying : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_678,"Why do i exist. : im slowly losing friends, family are tearing each other apart, house broken into by my old friend, have mixed emotions that are driving me insane, family are dying in front of me and I'm not there to stop it, watched my mother get put into a police car when I was 7, cried for what felt like an eternity, brought to a party by my mum and dad when in reality I didn't want to go. Mum verbal abusing me at the party and cried for two hours straight. Fucking two hours straight, that memory keeps me up at night. Parents argue all the time when they overdose on alcohol, i just want to leave this hellhole. I question my existence from time to time and my psychologist is the only person that can keep me emotionally sane. Why do i exist, why.",moderate
dev_pid_679,"Sometimes it's the little things that can make me Feel More Depressed : This was years ago, I was doing a filmmaking course and I had some friends there.
This one time I was cycling together with a friend from the film course, and his older brother somewhere.
We were talking about what kind of genres of movies we like.
I mentioned, among other genres, that I like Sci-Fi movies. We talk a bunch about Star Wars, Alien and 2001: A Space Oddysey.
He then asks if I have seen Aliens, the sequel to Alien, I said ""no, not yet"".
Then he and his brother made fun of me for not having seen this movie for like 10 minutes.",moderate
dev_pid_680,"I hate everyone and myself. : It's my birthday and I hate everyone including myself. I want to die but not really, I just hate everyone. Special thanks to my dad btw.",moderate
dev_pid_681,"Suicide thoughts : I struggle with suicide thoughts , i have stored enough pills to commit suicide , but i want help. I don't know where to find it, i don't know how to live peacefuly, without selfharm and sucididal attempts. Please help me. I live in Poland so US Suicide hotline won't do the thing here... Help me live my life as I am supposed to do. I don't want  to suffer anymore...",moderate
dev_pid_682,"How to be ok with constantly losing followers on social media : I (20) never had a high follower count on IG (on my personal account) (it's always been in the \_0's aka lower than 100), most of my (not so popular) friends even had higher follower counts than me (a few hundred), only like one or two of them had lower than me. This started about a little more than half a year ago, every few weeks or months, I would lose one or two followers (I have no idea why, I post a lot less than most people I know but I'm also not one of those, ""I post 0-5 times a year"" type of people.) The most followers I lost in a year was about 1-3, I've never lost followers so fast in such a short amount of time before. I feel like it's making me look bad if I have such a low follower count. Idk what to do, is there even a way for me to be ok with this and not feel bad...?",moderate
dev_pid_683,"... : Idk why but everytime I look at the mirror, it makes me want to kill myself",moderate
dev_pid_684,Thinking that's something wrong with me : Do any of you think there is something wrong with him and he began to change by himself and fell into depression because of?,moderate
dev_pid_685,"I fear being trapped all alone thanks to the coronavirus after university closed and I now have nobody to talk to. I don’t know what to do anymore... : I’ve been really depressed and lonely and I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts. I’ve been lonely for a long time after my parents divorced in middle school and moved me across the globe multiple times. Here in university things seemed to be finally changing but that soon feel apart. University just closed thanks to the virus so now I have nothing to keep me busy and nobody to talk to, even just dumb small talk. My Mum lives in the other side of the world while I live with my Dad who doesn’t care and literally just gets angry with me when I try to talk to him about these things. I have seen counselling but they never seemed to be helpful, I’m just told dumb things like make friends by joining clubs. It’s not that I don’t know how to make friends, I’m just autistic and struggle maintaining relationships, plus I’m depressed. I don’t even know if I want a friend, they seem so overrated at this point. It’s so much work to build... But I hate constantly being told to “reach out and talk to somebody” when I have nobody to talk to... This whole mental health supporting movement is such bs.
I only have one friend, who I made here in uni recently, but shes pretty fed up with me after I fell in a downward spiral of depression and sort of dumped a lot of it on her. I feel bad, I just really had nobody else and I was confused. Shes also going to be leaving to her home after the uni closes. I don’t know what to do anymore, thanks to coronavirus counselling is going to be difficult to continue and everyone I’ve tried just doesn’t seem to help. I’m not in an immediate crisis but I’m struggling to find the will to live at this point, and I literally don’t know what to do, nobody in my life seems to even care. I don’t know how being told the “brutal truth”, about how things suck and you just have to get through it on your own, is supposed to help me, like a lot of people seem to say. I don’t have the will to, I don’t see the point. I know I can’t use friends as an emotional dumping ground but I don’t know what else to do, I just can’t keep going through everything alone.",moderate
dev_pid_686,"i had a fall : idk how to start, makes me feel stupid, because it hurts something that to others don't.
i hate that i always give more, and the only way to make things work like to be reciprocal, is me giving less, MAKES ME SO ANGRY AND SAD, AND HOPELESS THINKING THAT, WHY WON'T THEY TRY MORE? Is that i am not worth it? i wanna cry a lot, because i do care what others do to me, and i don't want it anymore",moderate
dev_pid_687,"why does crying just make me feel worse... : crying is such a great outlet and physical relief for me but every time i do it, mentally, i feel so much worse. i feel so weak and pathetic and like i’m giving in to my depression. i wish i could just cry n get it over with and not feel so guilty abt it :(",moderate
dev_pid_688,"I have lost my way in life. I have just been rejected from scholarship to international school after I have won the nomination. I am almost 17. I have no friends, success or girlfriend. I hate my current school because noone takes me seriously. What should I do? : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_689,"I made some accomplishments : Last night I nearly killed myself, but was far too nauseous to do anything. I wanted to talk to the Suicide Hotline but I'm uncomfortable with calling and there was a massively long line. Luckily I just randomly passed out. I woke up at maybe 3 in the morning and cried a lot, but aside from that mess, I made some accomplishments today. I managed to look in the mirror to shave. I have pretty bad  catoptrophobia and looking at my reflection disgusts me. It was very hard but I did it. I shaved my whole face. I also managed to shower and fully clean myself. So far today has gone a lot better than the past week or so and I can't thank this sub enough for the support.  
# 💕",moderate
dev_pid_690,"There is no way this shitty condition cant be cured right? : i've been this way for 8 years, yet i still believe theres a cure somehow. in fact, the damage has already been done. am i silly for thinking by brain could go back to normal after experiencing no hapiness for 8 years? theres no way we're gonna live our whole lives like this right? this cant be real. how could this be real? whtas the point of life if we're gonna be like this? i literally only play video games all day. i have no life, no friends, no job, pushed all my family away. there must be a cure right? life is hapiness right? i dont understand. i dont want to accept im going to commit suicide one day. do people realise how fucking hard it must be to commit suicide? i dont want to get run over by a train. i dont want a bullet destroying my brain. but jesus christ, i also dont want this hell of an existance that people dont even believe exists. people doubt me when i say i experience no hapiness, but its true. im a shell of my former self, im not making it up. my old friends told me to my face, ''you used to be so cool, now you're just lame'' how can i go on living? how can i accept being a fucking boring and bored piece of trash doing nothing but playing video games all day? exercise doesnt work, forcing myself to socialise doesnt work. all that i can do is keep playing video games because its better than literally doing nothing. i cant fucking cure myself. i fucking cant. what the fuck do i do if i cant get better? theres no way this is existance right? just having an uncurable condition and suffer until u die? therapists are useless, medication has been useless so far, but i just cant accept my personality and passion is gone forever.",moderate
dev_pid_691,Everything seems pointless. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_692,My own mother just called me a disappointment. This is the end for me. Bye guys. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_693,"I can't tell if no one sees me or if no one cares : So tonight was my brothers wedding, I was surrounded by family and family friends, and yet I spent a good 2 hours by myself. I'm not an extroverted person, I am not good at approaching people and starting conversation, but I fucking tried guys, I went around and spoke to people and tried to fit in but the moment I stopped putting in 100% of the effort, I was alone. The people at my table didn't even strike up conversation majority of the time. No one asked me to dance except my mum, no one invited me ti their table when they saw me sitting alone, nothing. 
This isn't the first time this kind of thing gas happened at large gatherings, in fact, most of the time I don't get noticed unless I make myself noticed, and I get I'm not the coolest or most interesting guy, maybe I'm a bit too weird, but I thought that being the brother of the groom, I might be important enough that people would make an effort but they didn't, and now I'm typing this up in the middle of the night, miserable, on what should have been a fun night of celebration. 
Am I too unreasonable to want someone to care enough about me to come over and talk to me?",moderate
dev_pid_694,"tired of being alone : I love smoking weed by myself, it helps me cope with being alone and feel like it's okay. but it would be nice to have a lil group to smoke with and do fun things with. I've been lonely for so long I realized I havent experienced so many things",moderate
dev_pid_695,"I don't know what I want. : Last night, my friends had a birthday party for another friend. I planned on going, I even got some presents and stuff. Of course though, 5 minutes before I leave, I flake out and make up some bullshit story about getting pulled over and not being in ""the right position"" to go to a party. All day today, all I can see is the group chat sending photos and videos of last night and it looked like so much fun. I'm missing out on so many fun times because I'm just a fucking flake. I always cancel plans. I always leave after 30 minutes. I'm not going to have a life and it's my fault. I want gender therapy, and I have normal therapy, so I called and cancelled all of my appointments. Of course, as soon as i hang up the phone, I don't care about gender therapy, and just want normal therapy again. I'm just so fucking confusing and unmanageable. I just can't stop hitting myself in the face for consistently being my own fucking problem. I don't have many friends. I don't keep in touch with my parents, I don't talk to my siblings. I want to do all of those, but I just.... Don't. I'm. Fucking. Useless. I want to put a bullet in my head on my birthday. I'll be turning 20 and I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.",moderate
dev_pid_696,Removed myself from toxic friends but now I'm lonely : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_697,"I[17M] tried to kill myself a month ago and nothing has been better since. : Title says it all. I attempted suicide mid-February and pretty much nothing has changed. I mean now my family knows what I’m dealing with but still no therapy or medication or anything. I’ll probably end up trying again. I don’t know. I’m just tired of constantly being depressed and it always feels like no matter how much effort I put into fighting it, I’m always on the losing side of the battle. I tell myself that when I go away for college it’ll be better but then that voice in the back of my head says that it won’t be better because it’s not the environment that’s the problem, it’s me. It’s all just very annoying and I feel like I’ve come to the end of my road. I’ve run out of solutions so some recommendations would be useful. Thank you.",moderate
dev_pid_698,I lashed out at the person closest to me during a suicidal breakdown. How can I start the path to fixing our relationship and do I even have the right to : Me (M21) Lashed out at my best friend (F20)  when I was at my worse. It got really ugly. I went to her first hoping she could talk me down but she was literally about to be on a plane and couldn’t leave so I ended up lashing out saying things along the lines of “you don’t even care” “maybe if you were here you could stop me” etc essentially blaming her if I killed myself. I kept saying things like this until she was getting on the plane and had to block me. She is also depressive and even said you can’t kill yourself because I would too.  She ended up getting me help by reaching out to family to save me. But the emotional abuse I gave her that day was too much and she is leaving my life for now and I don’t know if it’s forever I don’t know how she could forgive me after I was such a piece of shit to her. Any advice on how to start healing? Or are we lost forever. Anything unclear just ask I’m bad at formulating thoughts sometimes.,moderate
dev_pid_699,"I'm a bad person : Was already having a kinda down day but it got worse when I had a bad epiphany I guess. In the beginning of the day I just felt unattractive and unwanted, just ugly really. Went to lay down for a bit to clear my head and maybe cry a little. Got a message from my grandmother asking why I forgot her birthday. And then I realized that I forgot my sister's birthday this year too. I love these people, especially my sister. It breaks my heart that I didn't seem to care enough to remember. I then began to think about how I've been treating people lately. I've basically been rude or incomprehensible a larger portion than usual and a lot of the times I'm just really scraping to be nice enough to be around. My kindness is no longer organic. And it didn't take long to just think that I'm a bad person. I never wanted to be a bad person, I don't think anyone does. But I just am. I'm ugly, rude, cynical, thoughtless, and utterly worthless. This, of course, gets paired with suicidal ideation and now my mind is where it's at. I don't know where to go from here.",moderate
dev_pid_700,"Im sick of this world : I dont have any hobbies, nothing intrests me. The only thing that keeps me from going insane is school, and now its closed because of the coronavirus. Now im depressed and stuck in my shitty house without anything to do. Is there any reason not to kill myself?",moderate
dev_pid_701,"A Small thing that pushed over the edge into feeling more depressed : This was years ago, I was doing a filmmaking course and I had some friends there.
This one time I was cycling together with a friend from the film course, and his older brother. I think we were going to their house.
For context: Their dad built a very big private Cinema Set-up in their backyard. And in their house they have a lot of expensive movie memorabiallia etc. Something my family can't afford.
I wasn't jealous at all of their wealth.
Then he and his brother made fun of me for not having seen this movie.
The whole night became this game of One-upsmanship where he and his older brother would, in a derogatory way, tell me that what they have is better than what I have.",moderate
dev_pid_702,"Virus depression : Anyone else feel totally depressed and anxious/nervous about the virus?
It's not so much getting the virus that I dread (although I am sure it will really suck), more the panic buying, the xenophobic attitudes it may create and just people's 'me first' attitudes.
I just want to totally lock myself away for a while, luckily I'm kinda well stocked for food but still, I'm scared.
If the shit hits the fan and it goes totally nuts I'm not sure I'll be able to cope.",moderate
dev_pid_703,"The worst feeling in the world : Trumps travel ban has extended to the UK.. I've just had to cancel the holiday I'd been saving up for years for.. It would have been the first time ever that I'd have seen my friends.. It was all I had to look forward to..
I dont feel angry, or sad, or not that usual depressed feeling.. I just feel, defeated.. And it is the worst feeling I've ever felt in my life",moderate
dev_pid_704,"Talking to myself all day everyday. Nonstop. : In the midst of my loneliness and inability to properly express emotion I guess I developed this habit of resorting to myself for company/empathy. My mind never shuts up as a result. The only situations in which I get to ignore the constant blabbering is either right upon awakening or when I'm schmacked high. I also can't fall asleep half the time because of how wildly my mind is talking. Anyone else ""has"" this?",moderate
dev_pid_705,It’s all so fucked : I don’t want to exist in this shitty world. Why can’t people understand that I just want to be left alone and never have to work again. I mean life is already absurd enough without the fucking wage slavery. Working a job is enough to make me want to die. For fucks sake if I’m going to live I want to be fucking free and not in a stupid cage. God I hate this trash society. Fuck this place.,moderate
dev_pid_706,"How The People Around Me Fucked Me Up : I used to be a very talkative kid when I was about 5 to 8 years old. My mom would tell me stories about how I won't stop talking about this and that. She said that I would tell her everything that happened to me everyday. 
When we were in the province, my mom told me that she would only go for a walk and that she'll be back after some time. The next thing I knew was that I saw her riding in a jeepney going to the terminal to go home to the city. That was the first time I felt abandoned. I was 5.
When my mom and I would argue, she would not embrace me when we go to sleep and would let me cry all night without talking to me. I was 6.
My mom used to beat me up when I was a kid. I can't remember the reason behind my first beating but I remember one time, she asked me to solve math problems and I said I can't do it. She hit me with a back scratcher multiple times and threw my stuffed toys out of the bed and told me that I'm not allowed to sleep until I finish solving. I remember crying to my grandmother and I saw the pity on her eyes because she also doesn't know what to do. I always have this constant fear that when I fail a test she's going to beat me up again so when my test papers were returned and the scores are low, I would cry immediately.
there was a time when I don't know how to do my homework and my mom was scolding me in front of my dad and I was crying so hard and I looked at him while expecting him to come to my aid but he just stared at me like I'm a random kid wailing at the mall. He also used to order me to buy beer and cigarettes for him and to keep it a secret. My mom and my dad also fought once when I was around. We were going to sleep and my dad was ranting about something but she covered my ears so that I won't hear him. I was 7 years old back then.
We moved to a new house to have a fresh start in 2008. She still beats me occasionally and I became conscious of the neighbors hearing me cry. I can still remember that I would beg my mom to let me close the door first before she beat me so that they won't hear me.  I was 8.
I was going through my mom's old phone when I saw my father's old messages arguing with my mom that he's hungry for sex and he just want it because it's his right. Reading that messages fucked me up real good. Maybe that's why I'm afraid to have sex with anybody.
I used to bring my friends to our house to play but when my mom sees something that she doesn't want, she'll scold me in front of my friends and sometimes get physical with me even if they're around. I was 10. I never brought friends over in my house when she's around since then.
She would also go through my stuff especially my phone. She would read my messages and it would make me panic because there are things in there that she's not supposed to see. I would become hysterical and she would just threaten me that she'll not give my phone back if I won't give her my phone password. We've been through this a lot of times and until now I'm afraid to let go of my phone around her.
I was always one of the best student in our class during my junior high school years but I was not recognized because I'm always shy and quiet. When I'm with my friends I always put this happy mask and go along with them even when I'm against something because that was the only thing I know to keep them. Obedience.
One of my teachers that I saw as a father figure asked me to eat with him outside the school premises and would nag me about why I'm not responding to his chats and would call me on my personal number when he can't reach me through messenger. He used to screenshot my profile pictures and send it to me and he would leave a comment that says ""you're turning more beautiful now"". He would also ask me when I'll visit because he already misses me. I was still a minor.
The first guy that courted me was my friend. He was sweet and was always there for me when I needed him. My view of love before was not healthy. I was raised that to show your love, you must submit. I did everything to put him under my leash and to make him believe that he's wrong and I'm right. After months he gave up on me. Part of me was to blame. I'm 15.
I was friends with people that made me feel that what I do is wrong. I'm afraid to go against them because they are the only ones I got.
I was with my friends drinking on the rooftop when suddenly one of my friend's friend followed me downstairs when I'm about to pee. He said that he'll stay with me and assist me since I'm a little drunk already. When I'm done and opened the bathroom door, the room was pitch black and the lights were off. He was standing in front of me and grabbed my hand. It's gentle but it disgusts me. I went to switch the lights on and one of my friends opened the door and said that he'll leave us both there to have a good time (and by that he means sex and kissing). I'm not comfortable and I was shaking my head lightly but he didn't get the message. The guy that I'm with closed the door and locked it from the inside. He said that it's better if I sit down with him on the sofa. I did but I immediately got up because I'm not feeling good. I made an execuse that my mom is texting me and she's already pissed so I have to reply to her. He repeatedly called my name and it sent shivers down my spine. I continued to chat my friends pretending that they're mom and then he grabbed my arm with a little force to make me sit down. I was panicking at this time and thankfully my friends knocked loudly on the door to get me. I can see the disappointment in his eyes and I was so relieved I cried when we got out.",moderate
dev_pid_707,"Depression makes everything worse : Little things upset me like the world is going to end.
When I have a problem, I have nobody to turn to and I’m so sad. 
Funny thing is that my friends see me as the strong one and they come to me for help.",moderate
dev_pid_708,"How to stop feeling like you don't deserve a partner? : I have social anxiety, so it's hard enough to approach somebody, but the last thing to go through my mind before I've talked myself up is, ""nobody has shown interest in you. There's probably something wrong with you. You don't really deserve a partner anyway. They're probably too good for you.""
I feel like I'm valuable and loved around my friends and family and I feel like I can stand up for myself around people I know; but when it comes to strangers in public I feel like a burden and unworthy of fun social interaction.
How can I get over these irrational feelings?",moderate
dev_pid_709,"I wish I could take Covid-19 from someone who is more meaningful to others. : I know Covid-19 is a big thing all around the world, and I’m sorry to those who have it, or lost a person who had it.
I wish I could literally take the virus from someone who already has it. I don’t care if I died from it, in fact, it’s a plus if I do.
I know people who have it mean something to many people, friends, family, even co workers. I feel like if I could take the virus from someone, I could finally do something just a little worth while with my useless life. 
I don’t deserve the gift of life, and giving it to someone else for the last thing I ever do, would be the only good thing I’d ever do.",moderate
dev_pid_710,"I don't know if I'm really depressed : Sometimes I just feel like shit. I don't want to do anything other than just laying in my bed, crying every night, having some terrible suicide thoughts as if I feel like it's impossible to be happy again and I feel happy again. After some days like that I think that it's enough depression for the week and my mood just way up high and I will try to deny that there's something wrong with me and then those depressing thoughts just slowly come back.",moderate
dev_pid_711,"A message of hope (please don't give up) : Depression is an awful experience.  I think most people would agree with a sentiment like that.  I wanted for you (the person reading this,) to understand that you are a beautiful and amazing person inside even if you may not realize it.  I may not know who you are, but you deserve to be happy and free from the pain that you have experienced in your life.  I love you, we're in this together and we'll get through it.  There is so much negativity in this sub, which is to be expected.  However, I just wanted to balance it out with a positive note here of hope and love.  I may never get to meet or see you in my life, and so this may be the first and last time of anyone seeing a fragment of me.  While this is the case, the importance of not becoming lost in your darkest thoughts is very important.  I just want you to be in a state of peace and joy!  Much love and appreciation, thank you for taking the time to read this it meant. a lot to me :)  (btw this is my first Reddit post, and I'm very open for criticism if it will allow me to improve.)",moderate
dev_pid_712,Why can't I just be fucking normal : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_713,"PLEASE TALK TO ME : can someone at least acknowledge my posts! i’m screaming out for help, i’m so tired of my shitty stupid life. i work harder than anybody i know, i have a college degree, can’t afford rent in my stupid ass “luxury apartment $1000 for a 1br” city. 
i’m just fucking tired. i’m tired of going all day wishing it was night so i can sleep. sleep is the closest thing to death for me. i just want to end it all i swear!!!!",moderate
dev_pid_714,I feel unwanted all the time : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_715,"My college career abruptly ended and even if it was overall a tough confusing time for me, I’m pretty sad. : I spent a lot of the three and a quarter years of college sad, lonely and trapped. I never went out, went to any events, and rarely made myself available to meet people. I had one pretty consistent friend group but I was often not happy with them and only hung with them cause there wasn’t really anybody else there for me. I had fun times with them, laughed a lot, but there was still something rotten in me when I was with them and it felt like something was always missing. I had a few individual friends outside of them too but I never felt connected, like in it you know like the college experience seems like it’s supposed to be. On the other hand it seems to me that that idea might be fake, and that all those people are kind of figuring shit out and putting it together in the same way I am and what I am is pretty much the standard but it still hurts. I talked to a friend a few days ago who was talking about how sad it was that her art shows were cancelled and some of the school parties and events weren’t gonna happen and I was upset I didn’t have that same connection. In a way, it feels like I won though, I won’t deny that. All of the things that other people seemed to have over these years are gone, the things that’s stressed me, I get to go out without literally missing out on anything, everyone level with me. But I’m still sad. I want to be connected and feel loved, and it feels like I won’t be able to in that pure youth environment. I have ideas about being able to get more of that in my twenties now that I feel more confident and that there’s really nothing to be afraid of, when I go out there and give things a shot then people really tend to like me, maybe trying some study abroad grad school thing or looking for a fun thing like that. But I’m still anxious and sad and so so confused. So anyone reading this who’s feeling similar things, or if you’re just sad that you got college ripped from you, I’m sending love. Anyone reading this and going through anything similar to be honest I send love, feel free to reach out to me if you need and any words of reassurance/love would be appreciated :)",moderate
dev_pid_716,Just a little stressed : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_717,"I just sent my fiancee away to be with her parents as I fear it is no longer safe for her here as the coronavirus gets much worse. I have never felt so empty and afraid. : I am 30 and F and I have been together with my fiancee for almost 8 years. Today, after much heartache and debate I sent her away to stay with her parents as this terrible virus gets worse in my region. We are both well, however she has pre-existing health conditions including asthma and chronic fatigue syndrome and falls into an at risk category so I was not willing to let her stay with me and risk her catching. She would not make the final decision to leave as she want very much to stay with me, and so I made it for her and told her she had to leave for her safety.
We both sobbed and cried for hours as we do not know when we will see each other face to face again as we do not know what the government will do next and which areas will be safe. I packed her things with her, gave her useful things from the house and she left for her parents house just over an hour ago. I have to stay to make sure my father has everything he needs, but I could not risk allowing her to stay with me as it will be far more serious if she catches it than if I do.
I am so distraught and I cannot speak as the tears will not stop. I know I have made the best decision for her but I feel dead and hopeless inside without her. I have suffered from serious depression throughout life and she is the only reason I am manage to overcome these feelings...without her I am lost. I fear she may think I am heartless for sending her away and that I am tired of her, but I swear before God this is not so. I did this because I am afraid and want her to be safe and it is safer where her parents are.
I made an account just to vent because I cannot stop crying because now I am alone and very afraid. I never expected this sort of thing to happen like this - I thought it was just like this in movies. I keep asking aloud, ""How did this thing happen?"", but there is nobody here to answer me and the silence is overwhelming. I just try to console myself by thinking I have put my fiancee before myself and tried to do the best things for her.",moderate
dev_pid_718,I have ruined my life : And I've ruined yours too,moderate
dev_pid_719,"This corona stuff is honestly messing with my depression so badly it’s not even funny : Sure, at least I’m healthy at the moment and I should be grateful for that but every single thing in life I was looking forward to has been cancelled.
Normally I get through hard times by thinking about plans I have made but how am I supposed to do that if there is no more plans for an indefinite amount of time? 
I can’t even go outside without thinking that I am being selfish and risking the lives of my dad and grandma when I visit them because they have a compromised immune system.
My university is cancelled and my job is in a restaurant that is going to temporarily close soon. I live with my friends who will all be going back to their parent’s houses so I will literally be living alone with nothing to do every single day.
Sorry to say but how on earth could anyone have imagined for 2020 to be this bad? It’s actually a joke at this point.",moderate
dev_pid_720,"my life is just going downhill : ever since i got depression, my life is just going downhill, from losing long term friends, to child abuse, to losing my freedom of speech.
i dont think its going to get better, well just have to wait and see",moderate
dev_pid_721,"I just want to feel loved : My girlfriend left me for my best friend (who now hates me), my father is verbally and physically abusive, my mother is an alcoholic and I quite literally have no friends. My life has entirely spiraled into hell and I have nothing left in my life. I haven't been happy since December. I just want to be happy",moderate
dev_pid_722,"everything tastes bleh : from the start of 2020 nothing really seemed palatable. i ate almost exclusively pb&j when i was at inpatient before forcing myself to eat the other options because i was scared of being put on eating disorder watch or unit restriction. after i got discharged, my diet is legit 90% just applesauce. why does every aspect of life or anything i enjoy lose its appeal. is this normal",moderate
dev_pid_723,"Existence is trash and I want to die : I can’t accept living in a world that is so fucking bad. Work is garbage, money is garbage, talking to people fucking sucks. There’s nothing for me here. I work and all I get is fucking pain. What a fucking joke this retarded as fuck life is. I fucking hate how stupid and pointless everything is, life is garbage. I don’t want to do anything even if I had all of the fucking money in the world. This world is fucking useless and complete dogshit. I’m done here.",moderate
dev_pid_724,"If there are actually someone who “loves me and want me to exist in this world” and “love is everywhere” Why am I never happy and everyone around me prefers to be not with me? : I tried reaching out for help but everyone I opened up to just criticize me for my flaws. Ive just started to see how lm just the last choice .
Picked out of force, preferred by none",moderate
dev_pid_725,"Im so tired and the corona just thinks it can come and i should fucking care? : What so okay some old people die? Okay they have lived for so long anyways they must be fucking exhausted breathing their fucking life for so long. So much shit in my life and i really dont care, if anything my tremendous hate i hold for everything is only growing stronger due to this, like the fucking planet is dying and it will cause billions of fucking people to suffer and im supposed to care about this shit, a couple thousand will die, literally the only reason this shit is blowing up is because old Rich farts are being affected and they can just go die anyway.. Im european maybe thats why im chill you us people are fucked, im Sorry for sharing this shitty opinion im just tired and feel obliged to care by everyone but cant stop thinking how insignificant this is, i also just listened to a bunch of tom waitts the sad ones and im really bummed out, Sorry for no punctuation and errors in grammar im just so sad and trying to care about stuff is really hard for me oh god now im crying hope this post highlights my pathetic nature, usually Its pretty hard to spot but Its totally always present, just chime in on the comments if you want to give an opinion about something or just wanna advertise your shitty sadness, idc cunt. Im so sorry",moderate
dev_pid_726,"I feel like a failure even though I’ve accomplished some things on my list of goals... : I’m graduating from my community college with two degrees in May and just got accepted to a writing program from a university, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m a failure. I’m currently jobless, and the growing coronavirus fears are making it harder to find good paying jobs. When my older sister was my age (23), she finished school, got a high paying job, and bought her first car. My dad criticizes the choices I’ve made and likes to compare my small accomplishments to those that my sister has. My mom tries to assure me that they’re proud, but her passive comments make it difficult to believe that she’s proud of me. 
It’s unbearable. I’ve been thinking about this for the past few weeks and it sucks feeling like I’ll never feel accomplished. Feeling like this makes it harder to look forward to the future. 
When you experience something similar to what I am, what helps you cope?",moderate
dev_pid_727,"Can I vent for a second? : Over these last few weeks I haven’t felt much like myself. I’ve been sad and unmotivated and just feeling over all worthless and unimportant. It’s only been 3 whole months since the new year, but I just feel like I’m over it and don’t wanna continue on anymore.  I have never experienced such a deep sadness that is settling in my bones and seems to be sucking all the life and motivation from me. It’s like I can’t see the bright side or even picture my future anymore. I’m having a hard time even forming thoughts or try and do certain tasks. Music or art  doesn’t even help me like it used to. I think I have truly just lost myself and I don’t know what to do to feel like myself again. I feel so empty and like my spirit has just been ripped from me. I just don’t know what else to do.",moderate
dev_pid_728,"How to get over a failed friendship? I feel really depressed over it. : I knew my friend for 3 years. Granted, it was an online friendship but it doesn't mean it hurts any less knowing that things were never going to work out between us. For the longest time I thought she was one of the few people who truly cared about me. I struggled with alcoholism for a time and she would always remind me of my anniversaries and the number of days that I managed to avoided alcohol. She'd always tell me that I was a great guy, that she loved talking to me, she would tell me that she missed me when I wasn't around. We confided in each other about a lot of personal stuff and we trusted each other. We even made plans to meet up over the summer since she lives in my area. 
Over time though, things just got weird. She stopped messaging me first. It turned into a situation where I was always the one to initiate every conversation. Whenever I did message her, she would give vague and short responses. She stopped reminding me of my anniversaries. She started claiming that she was ""too tired"" or ""too busy"" to talk to me. She would leave me on read for days. She would frequently set her status to ""do not disturb"" on the platform we talked on for entire days. I asked her if everything was alright, and she told me the same ""I care about you"" and ""I like talking to you"" stuff. She tried to assure me that it was nothing personal. 
I just couldn't deal with it though. The signs that she didn't want to talk to me anymore became more and more obvious to me. It really seemed like she just wanted nothing to do with me anymore despite her telling me that she cared about me. I just felt really hurt over the fact that she didn't seem to like talking to me anymore. 
I deleted my account on the platform we talked on a few days ago. She was basically my only online friend. I feel really depressed that I won't get to talk to her anymore. I spend most of my time trying to sleep off the depression but it doesn't really help. I feel angry, hurt, and confused. I started drinking again to try and numb the feelings. I don't know where things went wrong, I don't know what I could have done differently. It just hurts knowing that someone who claimed to care about me doesn't anymore. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this situation?",moderate
dev_pid_729,It’s hard to compete with people who are happier than you : What’s your experience with this?,moderate
dev_pid_730,"This Coronavirus Pandemic stuff has made me feel dead inside. : Ever since it's reached pandemic levels it has just made me completely hopeless to be honest.
I spent the last year bettering myself with my weight loss after 23 years of obesity and misery (even if I am overweight still). I was really looking forward to expressing myself and taking work experience courses to finally get that stable job I finally wanted. I could have finally start earning a living to make people proud.
I really thought 2020 was going to be a great year and now all this has crippled me mentally. I got no job and never had a girlfriend, I got to stay in this shitty bedroom most of the day for weeks on end now with fuck all money, and I don't even know if I will see all my loved ones again after this with a now restricted world we will all have to ensure for an unknown ammount of time.
I just feel hopeless and dead inside. Sorry for this, but I just lost all my optimism and haven't really felt happy in over a week or two now.
This fucking virus has destroyed my mental health for the foreseeable future. I wish someone would give me a hug right now.",moderate
dev_pid_731,"I cried because someone gave me chocolate : I work in the IT department at a major university. I generally hate it because no one has anything to do with me--I'm older and I haven't worked there for 15-20 years like everyone else has. But two days a week I work with one of the schools within the university to help with their website. Yesterday was one of those days. While I was working, the director walked into my office and handed me a piece of chocolate. She said, ""It's been a hell of a week, and this isn't much, but my team has been fabulous and deserves a little treat."" After she left, I closed my door and sobbed, because someone was nice to me and considers me part of her team. She has no idea how much that meant to me.",moderate
dev_pid_732,Suicide thoughts : I'm 17 and it's hard to recover from a break up or humiliation....(sometimes I just go to the woods and think what my friends and ex would say if I took my life away..... I also got a father that almost killed me 3 weeks ago 😓😓.... I've gone through tough shit and not mine or someone else pain can't be compared cuz we all go through bad times.... SO YEAH..... It's really hard to go on with no one to talk with 🖤🖤🖤🖤,moderate
dev_pid_733,"I'm not sure how to convince my boyfriend to get help : I think my boyfriend is depressed and he would benefit from getting professional help, but he refuses to talk to anyone about it. For the past year or so he has been showing a lot of symptoms of depression, he is convinced that he is useless and unworthy of love and he beats himself up over the smallest things and I try talking to him about it and comfort him but nothing works, he doesn't believe me. The things he used to love doing have become a chore to him and instead of making him happy it just frustrates him and makes him feel worse because he can't do them as well as he used to. Whenever I suggest him to talking to someone and maybe getting some professional help he always shuts me down because he thinks that he can't be helped and he will be stuck like this forever. It breaks my heart and worries me a lot, he means the world to me and seeing him struggle so much but knowing there is nothing I can really do to help is difficult. I don't really know if this is an advice post or a rant, I am just really worried and I am terrified of losing him one day because he bottled everything up.",moderate
dev_pid_734,"Depress to find love : Sucks being in depression. I want a fulfilling relationship but I know I shouldn’t burden anyone with my depression. It’s not fair to them. Even if I want to be selfish and burden them, it’s not like anyone worthwhile would want me. There are better people out there. Happier, more fun, more successful and better looking people... 
Man, I hate depression.",moderate
dev_pid_735,"I'm so tired of interacting with everyone else. I just want to live alone on a deserted island and never have to talk to anyone again. : Small talk is exhausting. Two people who don't care about each other talk about stupid meaningless shit for a few minutes then forget each other exists 5 minutes later. Neither you nor I care about the weather, or which team won last night, or what we're interested in. I don't get why everyone wastes their breath. No one actually engages in small talk to be kind, it's only to make the other person think more highly of you.
I don't understand why anyone bothers with relationships. They're such a hassle and you get so little out of them for so much effort. I'm sick of trying to figure out what to say next. I'm sick of constantly worrying whether people like me or not. I'm sick of constantly saying the wrong things and scaring people off. I'm sick of never having anything in common with anyone. I'm sick of having no answers when someone asks me what I do for fun/as a hobby. I'm sick of pretending to care about other people, and I'm sick of other people pretending to care about me. Life would be so much easier if I just went at it alone with no one else.
I'm so fucking tired of it all. I just want everyone to leave me alone. I'm seriously considering just insulting everyone who comes near me so that everyone else hates me and never talks to me. It's what I want and it's what I deserve.",moderate
dev_pid_736,"is this depression? : Recently I was broken up with for no obvious reason other than the fact that I didn't do ""enough."" I'm in a ton of debt for school, work is so horrible I never show up and they refuse to fire me. All I want to do is smoke weed and smoke more weed and not want to do anything. My friends invite me to go do things with them and I do but I don't enjoy myself. Talking about my problems does help but only temporarily and I always find my way back to square one. I've lost all motivation for school and work, i've dropped all my hobbies. i've never experienced such a drastic change in my personality before until recently and i don't know what to do about it.",moderate
dev_pid_737,"I feel like giving up : I honestly feel like if I took my own life, their would only be 3 people that cared, be that my mother, farther and brother, I doubt any one else would even bat a eyelid. I have serve anxiety and I'm scared too leave my own home, so going out and meeting new people, or just simply getting some fresh air is out of the question. Yes I have support workers and councilors but they just make me feel worse, having to talk and listen to them and agree to weekly meetings is so stressful for me. Almost every single day i will just sit their and cry my eyes out randomly, you could ask me why im crying but i would not have a answer too give you. I am a alcoholic and beer is the only thing that helps dull my pain, being as I have said above my daily routine week in week out is: wake up, let my dog out in the garden, cry, drink, sleep and repeat. I have no goals or ambition and if it was not for my dog, I would seriously be considering ending everything. I honestly can not see how my life can get any better (or worse). I feel like I'm dieing on the inside, even though I'll smile when you see me. I just feel like I can't go on any more, my mind has grown tired and I've grown sick of living. The day my dog dies will break my heart and rip me to shreds, but it will also be the day I can close my eyes and be relieved of the pain.",moderate
dev_pid_738,I can’t snap out of depression. No matter what. : Only drugs help but they are a temporary fix and now that I ran out of them I feel suicidal again.,moderate
dev_pid_739,"Can’t sleep, no interest in life, feel stuck in my body, not a day goes by I don’t think I’m dying, taking a shower is hard, am I depressed? : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_740,i relapsed : i’m scared right now. i cut myself and i’m bleeding on my sheets and i didn’t mean it. i wanna go back but i can’t and now when they see it i’m gonna have to leave again and i just wanna cry because i’m so overwhelmed with bullshit. life is unfair and you can’t fix things when they’re broken and i just wanna be normal and happy but i’m just sad 24 7 and i just wanna be okay. i don’t want help. i just wanna be okay just for a little bit,moderate
dev_pid_741,"My problems will never go away so I’m pretty much forced to kill myself : I’ll never be to escape wage slavery, I’ll never feel comfortable and happy living in a world filled with so much suffering, I’ll never be able to get rid of my despair because existence fucking sucks, and I’ll never truly be able to be with the one I love. I keep questioning why go on, why keep this stupid thing going? How am I supposed to want to go on another day if my problems have no fucking solutions? Existence offers me no answers so the logical conclusion should be death since existence is fucking retarded. I wish things could be different but they aren’t. I just have to accept that this is the reality and do what I must do.",moderate
dev_pid_742,"Does anyone else become a shitty person when they're happy? : Just downright egotistical, short tempered, condescending, invasive... It's like I lose my self-consciousness. I can only either overthink every single thing or not care about anything",moderate
dev_pid_743,"Feel like I don’t have a future : I (18m) don’t feel like I have anything going for me after I finish my art foundation year. I’ve got average a-levels and GCSEs. I’ve decided to do film at uni and I enjoy making films when I actually make them, but I’m worried I’m lazy. 
Im average at most things but I don’t think I’m very bright. Every time my dad tells me to do work I feel hopeless. And it makes me anxious for my future.",moderate
dev_pid_744,"being depressed is ruining my life : title sums it up really. every aspect of my life has gradually become consumed over the course of my life and it just keeps getting worse. when people tell me it will get better i don’t believe them at all. i can’t sleep right, i can’t eat right, i get no joy from the things i love and value like reading or playing piano or being with my family- it all just irritates me or i can’t concentrate on it, i often can’t get to college so i’m really behind in everything, i can’t get myself to exercise or even take the dog out if my mum needs me to, i have utterly lost my way with words, my self esteem is shattered to pieces, my friendships with people feel false and i cannot forge a sturdy relationship with anyone and even if i could it would be ruined by the constant stream of negativity in my mind, sometimes i can’t even shower more than once a week. i feel so distant and disconnected from everything all of the time (granted, sometimes more than others) and it makes me feel like complete sh*te, because i feel so separate from everything i love- i don’t feel as though i have a close connection with anyone anymore and i don’t have the energy to sustain one. i can hardly envision a future for myself, and when i CAN it’s incredibly bleak and miserable. the few dreams i have also feel completely out of reach and unattainable, along with the promise that “it will get better”. my counselling has stopped because the nhs can’t fund it so i’m just on prescription drugs and yet another waiting list for god knows how long. i’m feeling so hopeless and out of place with nowhere to turn- i just want to fade away into nothingness and never come back. please just a kind word, anything at all would be good",moderate
dev_pid_745,"I don't understand people : I don't understand how people can be happy knowing all the suffering that's going on.
I don't understand how they sleep fine at night knowing all the shit that humanity has done in the past, present and will most likely continue in the future 
I don't understand how people would rather be ignorant and distract themselves from all these things and expect everyone to be the same.
I don't understand how people believe in nonexistent things and even value these things more than real things
I don't understand how people can't lack so much emphathy and say ""that's just life"" and then claim shit like life is beautiful and that others are just being too sensitive. 
I don't understand how people want to have kids knowing all these things AND expect the same from you.
I don't understand how people don't feel shitty about themselves when buying stuff made by underpaid workers, or buy food from shitty meat industries, or follow and adore people that are cleary terrible human biengs, ...etc.
They only care about themselves and even dare to get angry when ""learning"" about all these negative things, because they would rather be ignorant and ""innocent"" than know that they indirectly participating in this shit.
I don't understand how I'm seen as the selfish one for not wanting to continue life.
I don't understand why people act like being this optimistic is good, how is an altered perception of realisty something good? (I do understand that i have a tendency towards pessimism, but i don't expect anyone to think the same)
I don't understand how this is normality 
I know just saying ""things"" is very vague , but if i go in to much detail this post will be way to long and with ""people"" I'm generalizing, i know some people aren't like this, i just feel so frustrated and alienated by everything.",moderate
dev_pid_746,Dead inside : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_747,Explaining my depression : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_748,Explaining my depression : https://youtu.be/ek0sABh_9os,moderate
dev_pid_749,This virus is making me more depressed : All the introverts out here saying how happy they are they get to stay home i’m an introvert as well and I barely go out but there’s a difference doing this voluntarily and being forced to stay home everything is getting shut all the places i had in mind to visit soon once i was “ready” are shut i stayed home for over a month and just about when i felt okay and was ready to go out this happened i hate it it makes me think more of suicide tbh it feels depressing and more lonely at least i had the option to stay home or maybe go somewhere if i want now i’m staying home whether i like it or not and it’ll only get worse i don’t even like home as a place like I wouldn’t feel comfortable getting stuck here and i have no one to connect with and talk to it feels surreal this is literally worst case scenario to me i hope this will be over soon i never thought how much I would appreciate my regular life until now i took time for granted i wasted months upon months by choice now i wish everything would go back to normal and I would get a chance again i’m so depressed rn and I can’t be optimistic this is just awful i’d rather die i hope i’m wrong and this will pass quickly if it does I won’t take my time for granted ever again,moderate
dev_pid_750,"Is something wrong with me? : I feel like nobody truly cares about me anymore, people rarely ask me how I’m doing or if I’m okay, I’m rarely invited to my friends hangouts anymore. I even gave myself a black eye just to see if anybody cared about me at all, I feel like if I disappeared nobody would even notice or care. I have been crying every day for a while now, whenever I’m alone I’m usually either crying or emotionless, I don’t have an appetite, I feel extremely lonely when I see everyone around me and how people care for them, I feel like something might be wrong with me but I don’t want to self diagnose myself, I have nobody to talk to about my feeling and I don’t think I have ever completely opened up to anybody and it hurts, I feel like if I tell anybody about how i feel they will judge me. I don’t know what to do anymore, please help",moderate
dev_pid_751,"showed my friend my cuts : I feel really awful about doing this. I seriously loathe myself enough but now I feel as though it's such a taboo thing to do and a big no no it seems from what I've read.
I don't know why I did. I was upset. A call for help maybe? Someone to help me talk through my problems? I feel like a burden now and I just want to go back and wish I never did this.",moderate
dev_pid_752,"Feeling super lonely : I got ghosted by the one person who meant anything to me. Now I’m alone, without answers, and hurt feelings. I need someone I can just sit by 😕",moderate
dev_pid_753,"Weak will for life : I’ve been battling with not having a strong will to live recently. I obviously want to live but it just seems hard to live. I just want to lay in my bed and sleep in the dark. I have started Wellbutrin 5 days ago and it’s helping some but I’m also in the early side effects stages of taking it too. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I need to be hospitalized but I have no plan of harming myself so I doubt they’d admit me. Furthermore, my family doesn’t seem supportive of me being hospitalized. I also don’t like the stigma attached to it but I’m getting to where I don’t care. I just want help and I just want to feel normal again and driven about something in life. I’ve been off work for a few weeks now but haven’t been fired yet. I’m guess I’m just seeking for some help because I can’t seem to get there on my own in real life.",moderate
dev_pid_754,"Trying to put it into words how I am feeling : Do you ever just welcome the sorrow?  It's so common place and happens so often that you don't try to push it down, but instead wear it like clothing?  You purposefully open yourself up to the thoughts and let them envelope you?  I feel like there's almost a sick comfort in it for me.  Like its my reality, and it's me accepting my place in everything.  Like some of us were made to be the melancholy ones.",moderate
dev_pid_755,"I'm afraid to schedule an appointment with my therapist : I should see my therapist at least once a month but I didn't schedule a new appointment. I've seen her last in mid December. Also I ran out of my antidepressants in January. It shows. I'm afraid to call her office since our last appointment because I didn't show up for this long, I don't want her to be angry with me. I know she won't but I can't get over myself. I have heavy suicidal thoughts since last month growing stronger day by day. I don't know what to do",moderate
dev_pid_756,"Angry -> depressed ->lazy; what's the fucking difference if you can't change? : This is a rhetorical question. Today has been rough for me.
Almost got fired due to a piss-poor attitude. Was eventually given a complete time-off at the last minute. For about an hour, I've done nothing but walk around this dead-ass town to clear my mind. Now I'm feeling completely depressed like a deflated balloon once I've begun to realize my life has really gotten nowhere for the past 1½ years living the suburban life. I'm probably gonna end up wasting the last few hours of the day, instead of motivating myself to work on some project or resume for another job or college.
That's all there is to it. I'll be taking a nap now.",moderate
dev_pid_757,"tw !! (help?) : i took an OD earlier and now im kind of regretting it but idk what to do now because i don’t want to end up in a&e again as i was there the other day for the same reason :/ and i really don’t want to get sectioned again,,, what do i do?",moderate
dev_pid_758,"I just feel too sensitive and pathetic for this world : Maybe it's just young adult angst. The ""weight of the world on my shoulders"" thing. But I just can't take the hate, prejudice, discrimination, ignorance, fighting, division, and politics of the world. The world will never be how I want it to be. People will always be hateful, stupid, elitist, judgmental, and whatever else. They say if we all got along the world would be boring. But I don't think the world is exciting now. Unless people like the destruction and degradation. Gives them a rush of dopamine and entertains them. Maybe that's why reality shows are popular.
Most people can live with this. They don't worry about it. Maybe they did at one point, but not anymore. They learned to accept it. I did too finally, but now I'm back to square one. Something triggered me recently.
Now I'm sitting here wishing for death. So much worry, anxiety, fear, paranoia, insecurity, shame, and embarrassment. Arguing with myself inside my head. I just want it to stop. I've tried mindfulness and just letting go. It worked but was easily destroyed. I hate myself and my actions and I feel deep shame and embarrassment for other people's actions.
I can't take it. I want to bash my skull in.",moderate
dev_pid_759,"Why shouldn't I kill myself? : What is a good reason, I really want to hear a good one rn.",moderate
dev_pid_760,I just don't know what next... : I had broken up with my boyfriend this past January it was really hard but I eventually found someone new we were really great friends I liked him alot and he liked me alot or so I thought. We had talked for about a month and we were excited to meet. After the first date he ghosted me for like 3 days and said some really hurtful stuff. It basically felt like a breakup he said he was disappointed by me and he tried to look past it but couldn't. To me I didn't do anything wrong I was really honest and open with him and loving. Now I'm depressed and sometimes suicidal but mostly depressed...... I'm stuck feeling horrible about myself. It's like 2 breakups for the year and it literally just started. I don't even know what to do with my life. I didnt think he'd treat me like that. Any advice would help,moderate
dev_pid_761,"Suffering with Anxiety ,Arthritis Pain,depression ,find treatment naturally. : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_762,My feelings hurt so bad : It’s official I have been ghosted by the one person who meant anything to me. I’m so hurt and alone. I’ve never liked anyone this much before. My heart hurts and my feelings are shattered. I just want to sit by anyone in the world and cry on there shoulder,moderate
dev_pid_763,"The thing that hurts is... : ... Very recently I've turned 30. As always, noone remembered or cared enough. I'm used to it, I mean what can I do about it. What hurts - there's noone to whom I mean something. Nobody ever believed in me. Nobody ever held on to me. I was never that one friend, I was never the one who's very close. I've never had anyone in my life who actually wanted anything to do with me. I was always a burden, I was always unwanted.
I wish I could die right now, I wish I could get rid of myself. I wish I never existed.",moderate
dev_pid_764,"I don't know how to leave : I've been dealing with depression and this guy was helping me through it. He told me he liked me, and I started to like him too. I found out he had a girlfriend the whole time and I was about to tell him about it too. When I found out and told him we stayed friends, but he just started ignoring me and I started waiting days to get a one word response from him. I feel so dumb. I want to fucking die.",moderate
dev_pid_765,"I'm....nothing : The only girl that livre me left me and i sometimes cant sleep bc of that, my current crush is ghosting me, almost all my ""friends""
Makes fun of me ,my family thinks im shit bc I don't socialise besides school.
I feel like if i dissapear now nobody will notice.......im gonna end up lonely as usual so why even try",moderate
dev_pid_766,"convinced nobody cares bout me and so badly want to kill myself : honestly so ready to kill myself and crying... literally everyone thinks I’m a second choice or not a choice at all. My own best friend never messages me. People I talk with don’t care about me at all. I’m so tired of being alive like I’m so ready to end it, and I’m so fed up with life I’ve seen so much shit go wrong. It never works.... life never works out for me and I just want to fucking die. I have nothing, nobody cares or listens I have no one to go to and I feel this way every single day. And I fucking deserve it",moderate
dev_pid_767,My feelings are shattered : How could I have not seen it coming? How could I have aloud myself to become this hurt ? What can I do to fix this pain? I have been ghosted by the one person who meant anything to me. I’m so hurt and alone. What’s the he reason behind him ghosting me ?? The worst part is when I look back through our conversations I felt like he liked me a lot. My heart hurts and my feelings are shattered. Im in pieces. I thought he loved me for the man that I am. I’m so Alone. I just want to sit by anyone in the world and cry on there shoulder,moderate
dev_pid_768,What if it doesn’t get better : Is this it?,moderate
dev_pid_769,"I don’t know why but I’m posting this : I really didn’t want to do this but I am because I have no one to talk to at all. I’m incredibly depressed and I have no school for 3 weeks which makes it so much worse. I have “friends” I guess. They’re not good ones and my parents tell me that all the time. I’ll never be invited to to anything and when I invite them they ignore me. We were playing Xbox and they just planned some shit right in front of me and tried to hide it for some reason. If you don’t want me at ur house just tell me that. It’s a lot worse when u try and hide it. I have no one to do anything with on my birthday. Last year I was afraid to ask anyone because i knew no one would show up for anything and sure enough I asked ppl and no one showed up. Humiliating. I have absolutely no one to talk to and nothing to do. I am so completely tired of this shit and it hurts. Yesterday they were all in a car and called me and asked if they could come over, I said of course. They can by for 10 mins and left, they didn’t want me to come with them. That hurt. I’m to a breaking point I fucking hate this I have nothing to do and when that happens it gets bad. I honestly hate my life so much I don’t even care dude I hate this fuck me I want to die",moderate
dev_pid_770,"I’m done : ....I really, can’t find a reason to keep fighting, I’m legit done, I’ve done everything I could do, and I’m never enough it’s never enough ....",moderate
dev_pid_771,"So there's this girl i like... : So i met this girl at my new job a while back, turns out we've been in pretty close proximity for a while, just never met.
We're both students and she's part of the skiing club i was in a couple of years back. I quit the club after a year, i guess because i felt like i didn't fit in. Looking back everyone was super friendly and i really enjoyed the activity, but i just convinced myself that i don't belong.
She convinced me to join the club again, i started snowboarding again and love it, wish i never quit. But this girl, she's amazing. She's cute, friendly, funny. Just one of those people who always says hello in that way that gives you energy for the rest of the day. We're both part time and work separately; She's in the store front and i'm in the back office, so we don't see each other much, but every time we talked it was like she took a genuine interest in me. Not just smalltalk, you know? Even with the club we rarely seem to be in the same place at the same time, but then there was this trip planned.
Every year the club plans a week long skiing trip in the french alps; a couple of dozen of us on a mountain in a shitty hostel drinking gratuitous amounts of alcohol and falling over in the snow. I was looking forward to this so much. I haven't been on a holiday in a long long time. I couldn't afford to go when i was in the club those years back, but most of all i was excited because this girl was going. I saw this as the opportunity to get closer, actually get to know this girl, make sure my feelings are real and maybe make a move.
Tonight france goes into lockdown, my trip isn't happening.
Every plan i had just came crashing down, and it's not going to happen. It's kind of a wakeup call, because all those plans weren't really plans, they were fantasies. I imagined us going away together, falling for each other and starting this amazing relationship that could be exactly what i need to fill this hole i feel in my life. Reality is i'm not charming enough or confident enough, or in any way enough of a catch to make it happen so smoothly. It was never going to go that way, it was all just in my head. Fuck, i don't even know if she's single.
I've been riding this fantasy for so long and now i'm figuring out i've just been letting my life go by. I could have been with this girl all this time, but it didn't match up with my fantasy,  so i didn't even consider it.
I actually saw her in work today, as soon as i walked in she started talking to me. Later i went to grab coffee and when i was making my way back to my office she called after me just to give a funny little tidbit about one of our coworkers. When i went out for lunch i passed her carrying something made of straw, she looked proud as punch telling me that she'd just bought a house for her rabbit. When i was leaving in the evening, she asked how my day was since i was alone in the office today. When i walked back into the store because i forgot to hand over the keys, she gave me this huge smug grin and asked what i'd forgotten.
Like, she seems to take every opportunity to interact with me, she once dropped everything she was doing to literally jump out in an isle and ask me a question. Maybe she likes me, maybe she's just friendly, but at the very least i can tell that she wants to know me and i've been doing nothing with it because it doesn't line up with my perfect fantasy. I'm so scared of anything being messy or not working out that i'd rather just live in my head than try to make the real thing happen. This isn't the only fantasy i've let take over, but it's been the most crushing. I fucking hate this. I've worked so hard to get over anxiety and improve my mood in the day to day, but i'll never be happy if i'm not taking risks in the long term, and i just can't do it.",moderate
dev_pid_772,"Parties suck while depressed : I'm at one right now. I'm bored, I can't connect to people, their topics don't interest me. I wish I was at home lying in my bed slowly rotting. It's all shallow talk. Useless. At least the music is good. But still, it feels like wasting time and like I should be doing something completely different. Like I'm in the wrong place right now. But I don't have any place to go, anything to turn to. I'm lonely among people.",moderate
dev_pid_773,"Where am I at? : I don’t know how to explain how I feel but I can say that I don’t feel I belong around anywhere. Social groups aren’t my thing anymore. I don’t try to make those connections because I don’t how that fully works. How do I know what determines whether I lose or keep people. So far I don’t have a strong connection with anyone, atleast not a consistent one.",moderate
dev_pid_774,"Everything I’m going through :) : It’s the start of 2020 and already things are going to shit. A recent cat death, and me finding out I’m a retard. Amazing start. A few weeks later, I start a relationship and I start to fail at school. I get beaten up, and my relationship begins to turn from happiness to emotional and sexual abuse. I get beaten up at school, get bullied, break up (fortunately, but at the cost of being framed.) and I get called gay. My mental health is nonexistent, I can’t sleep, I feel like a terrible person, I want to die, nothing helps, idk what to do. someone help",moderate
dev_pid_775,"The time of the life : The time of your life when you obsolutly feel empty and sad, when real life hits you hard on the face, when there is no where to go,  my parents going thro divorce fighting in courts and my father trying to sell the only house we live in ... Good days man.  Good daysss",moderate
dev_pid_776,"I'm completely unable to fall in love due to depression : I have never loved anyone in my life because I'm always so focused on my mental issues. I had multiple relationships in the past but I never actually loved anyone really. I just want to know how it actually feels to love and to care about someone. I don't care if it's a one sided love, I don't care if it makes me feel worse but I just want to experience this feeling once in my life.",moderate
dev_pid_777,"Every path I take ends in depression : 21yo here. Been depressed for as long as I remember. Self harm started around 7,8 years old. No, I wasn't abused, I guess I'm just fucked up in the head.
Spent most of the times reading in childhood which led to a bigger gap between me and the other kids. My school and highschool time is a haze but I remember trying so hard to be normal until I managed to do something, anything to get anyone to laugh at me. Thinking back, I guess I wanted some attention since I didn't have any friends.
Thanks god, things did get better at university. But while I was for the first time happy, the downside is that I fell deeper in depression every now and then.
Self harm started to get worse until I needed stitches for deep cut who wouldn't stop bleeding for days.
Got a job, had the best period of my life but I still managed to fuck it up. Best grade, best friends, best period of my life. Also worse breakdowns and depressions. I can't manage a relationship since I have no clue of what to do, from kissing to fucking. Managed to leave my job to focus on uni but lost my friends on the way. Tried to get back in the loop with them but no interest from anyone outside of me.
So that's how I managed to get to 0 am, blood from cutting on me, depressed as fuck after months without self harming. Way to go me! No money for drugs, can't do any hobby since the coronavirus is still out and my country is pretty much closed. No uni so too much of reflexion. No money for therapy, no money for alcohol. Fuck my life
Anyone else in this kind of situation or am I the only fucked up enough for this? I'll take any advice, it can't be worse than what I have in my head...",moderate
dev_pid_778,"I am absolutely worthless. : I am absolutely worthless. I have been severely depressed for 3 months now. I am ashamed of the stupid decisions I have made. I hate myself. I am ugly, my personality is going down the drain. I do nothing but burden those around me. No one would care if I was gone except my parents. The only thing I am good for is taking up space. That’s it. I am completely worthless and want to die. I haven’t felt happiness in so long. I am ready to go.",moderate
dev_pid_779,"Suicidal after LSD : I took a tab about 15 hours ago and I still feel so insecure and depressed and like I can never talk about my emotions ever again without feeling stupid, is this going to last forever? I need help :(",moderate
dev_pid_780,"I think I am going to end it : I feel empty. I feel empty and sad. Nothing else. I’m tired of trying and trying only for thugs to get worse. Pointless words of “it’ll get better” and “everything will be okay” or constant sorrys... it’s not any better, In fact it’s worse. Nothing is gonna change ever... I’m so tired. I want my boyfriend to hold me but I don’t wanna stress him. I know he’ll be sad when I’m gone but more and more I don’t care. I won’t be here to feel how I feel now, the pain and tears... I hate myself and I hate living. I wanna end it so so badly... I’m tired of hurting all the time",moderate
dev_pid_781,Lonely : Can't even tell my friends about my depression anymore cuz they'll start looking down on me.,moderate
dev_pid_782,"That was the worst eve for me : english is not my first language so sorry if i made some gramma mistakes here.
its 10pm now were i live in and the the last hours were turture for me. All week it was going fine i snapt out of a depression episonde on Monday, and had a relatively good week. 
At first my sister gave me a gift card on x-mas, and i haved found anything for her that i would like to give her (i dont like just giving money as a present becouse that is not waht it is about so i my hardest to find a present that means something). So later i toled her that since i havend found anything i would just give her a gift card in around the same price pool so we could just forget about pothe (hers was a personal for a thing, not a offical one frome a store)
So it a started withe her giving me a offical 20 euro gift card while saying that it would be as a x-mas present. I tryed to turn it down, but she insisted. After my mom (she was in the room to) toled me to take it, and not turn it down (i normaly turn every present down) i had to take it if i wanted ore not. After that i went upstairs keep thinking that i dont deserve this, it would be a wast of money on me, i am just exploiting my Familie, that they just hate me after that and many more things like this, i have no self-esteem. I knew this would have happend. 
shortly after i went downstairs again becouse my sister wanted to do a game night. I dident want to go in the first place, and now in a depressed mood even less, but my i toled myself i had to becouse of the present as at least something in return.
Here i have to add that i just toled my family one week ago that i am struggeling withe Depression. I did not expected my sister to understand me in any way. She is such a cheerful, and happy persone that it starts to anoy others after some time. So she never really experienced Depression.
After 10m of me beeing in a bad mood she got upset withe me about it, and toled me anoying, and exhausting it is. The mood of everyone in the room was now kind of bad, and it was all my fault. Becouse of me she got saltyer and saltyer as time goes on, up to the point were she is almost losing her nerves. 
The game night went on withe everyone getting anoyed withe me. it was horible the socal clima was down becouse of me. I keept thinking that i am foult, and a failure. 
After i won the last game we played my sisters friend (he is withe us over the weeked, and dosent know about my depression) toled me ..Hey you won be happy about it, and stopp beeing so depressiv´´ my sister toled me that i am a pain to deal withe like that. My mother was the onley one to figure out waht was going on withe me said its okey, and everybody left. 
I expected that my sister would not be able to empathize withe me, but i am hurt by how blind she really is to it, becouse earlyer that week she asked me to explain exakly to her why i couldent get up untill 2pm becouse mabey she could understand it. In a month she will be 20, and i 18 based on the life experience, and that she also went through a depressiv episode i hoped she would understand at least a litte.
Now wile i am writing this i hear my family downstairs laughting, and having fun. It really seems like it is better witheout me.",moderate
dev_pid_783,"cornelian dilemma : Hey reddit, i'm drunk as fuck right now but its the only time i have courage to reach out and be honest with myself and others.
Have any of you had to deal with the fucked up choice that treatment and medication bring? I'm talking about not having a libido anymore, or feeling extremely numb and sedated.
I feel so cursed; I either take these humiliating meds that basically castrate me but work, or I get to keep my ego and have constant thoughts about ending my life. So far I've been picking option 2 and its not going so well, bros. fuck this shit
/endrant",moderate
dev_pid_784,"There is no fixing this : My depression has been bad since childhood. There's no medication or therapy that will change that. I can't afford any help.
I'm much lower than dirt. When my time is up, it's up. If people really cared about life as much as they preach, they'd help more rather than asking for money.
Fuck it. I'll embrace my depression and stay that way. I don't deserve happiness in life, and it'll stay that way till the day I die.",moderate
dev_pid_785,"I don't know if i'm depressed : I recently broke up with my ex, it was a mentally draining relationship, she reluctantly agreed to the break up to give me space as she knows i'm not doing so well mentally and understands i want to be left alone, but since then i've been crying every night when i'm left alone with my thoughts. I have no appetite, i browse reddit and watch funny videos to try and distract myself from thinking but it's disrupting my sleep, i'm only getting 3-4 hours of sleep daily. I really miss her but i know i shouldn't get back with her as it would only hurt me. But i feel so pathetic without her, she was there for me when my mom passed and life feels empty without her. I know i shouldn't get back with her but i feel like i need to. I feel very conflicted as to whether i should get back with her or stay as friends and i honestly don't know what to choose.
and honestly i'd very much rather end my life than have to choose an option
i hope this isn't seen as attention seeking, i just wanted to talk to someone or atleast get this out of my system",moderate
dev_pid_786,I want to die but it can't be my fault : I would be ok if a buss lost control but not jumping in front of one. I can cause others trama but I want to die but I don't want to make it my fault...,moderate
dev_pid_787,"What hurts most is knowing no one cares about me, I could die tomorrow and no one would really give a damn about me : ",moderate
dev_pid_788,"Someone asked ""What do you mean your life is shit :("" and I wrote this : I didn't actually send it to them, since it got a bit long so just said ""TLDR: Same old"" since I've talked to them about this before, but never actually articulated it before. Just need to vent this out tbh. I'm a 24 guy who's never had any interest shown in him (yes no one has kissed me, exactly - like a subhuman, abnormal, waste of space. 
----
The fact remains that I’m still completely alone, and unwanted, I’ve always been alone and unwanted, and that’s always going to be the case. Literally today had to listen to a podcast say “love is human”, and it’s so true – I’m subhuman. Everyone falls in love, and has someone who loves them eventually, but at the very least by my age they’ve felt *wanted*. Even if they haven’t got someone, they’ve had someone actually want to be with them. I’ve never felt that, and I’m never going to. I’m never going to have that great first date, any first kiss – never mind that first kiss with someone you really like, not even some drunken mistake to laugh about, I’m never going to have that “ohh I wonder if they like me” feeling because I know it’s always “no”, and no one’s ever going to feel that way about me. The only thing close to this I ever have experienced, and ever will experience, is unrequited love. So many people hate the fact they’ve been single for [x] months or whatever, now imagine that being the case for your whole life, and knowing it’s your future. For those people it’s a matter of time, and for me there’s just non-stop sadness and pain knowing that I’m never going to be happy. Everyone goes on about “oh yeah single life is fun, has its benefits” but not when there’s no chance of that ever changing. 
I’m going to have to sit on the side while everyone I know moves through life as normal, not even knowing it’s possible to be like me. Watching everyone have what is totally unavailable to me, like it’s the most normal thing in the world – because it is. And as everyone moves onto more important things, and their time is mostly spent with their partners and their kids I’m going to be more and more alone socially as well. 
I just want to be wanted, it’s something everyone feels – but it’s out of reach for me. 
Someone please just put an end to me.",moderate
dev_pid_789,"I need help! : Hey, first time using this subreddit I came across some posts of people asking for advice on how to help your partner with depression/motivation, etc.  
I have trouble helping my girl who is diagnosed with clinical depression, it's something new to me so I don't really know how to go with it and how to give your partner motivation to change their bad habits and help them bounce back and get out of the bad routine for them. I'm very aware that I cannot fix their depression I just have issues giving them the right comfort. She doesn't seem to find a reason to even start doing something for example whenever I tell her that motiving herself to work out or eat healthy might work for her she tells me ""what's the point though?"" so it leaves me in a really confusing and helpless state where I feel like I'm not doing good enough",moderate
dev_pid_790,Today is the day guys.. : I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore.. I just want to put it out there that today is the day I plan on ending it. I'm done. I cant do this anymore. I give up..,moderate
dev_pid_791,"i dont know anymore. : i feel so numb. i don't even feel numb at this point. i just dont feel anything but that sinking fucking black pit in my stomach, slithering arounnd in my gut like a snake with it's scales inside out. therapy isn't working, either. they just annoy me, they annoy me by trying to act like they understand, but i know they don't. they only frustrate me. my antidepressants aren't working. my sleeping pills aren't working. i fell in love with the wrong person. turns out friends of mine have talked shit about me behind my back and laughed about my trauma. i feel like im falling back into my pit of sadness again, and nobody understands.",moderate
dev_pid_792,"You know whats exhausting ? (Rant) : Living, yeah that's one.
You know what else ?  
Trying so hard to convince two people at once, one of your closest friends, and one of your online friends, that its worth it to stay alive. Trying so hard to explain how much they would be missed, and how suicide isn't the answer. 
While your also trying so hard to stay alive on a day to day basis and you feel like a hypocrite because your over here trying to help people when you can't even help yourself.
The your closest friend doesn't believe a word you say and acts like no one would miss her. And its so frustrating because why should you bother trying so hard to convince her if she wont believe a word you say.
And your here, laying in bed typing on a laptop, wondering if you should even bother getting up today, daydreaming about dying.
I'm so sick of being the strong friend, lately I've been trying to be more open with people, but everyone has problems, and I can't be weak cause they need me to be strong. So I'm gonna start faking the smile again, I'm gonna start saying I'm fine.  
I tried to be open about not being okay, but I shouldn't have bothered.",moderate
dev_pid_793,"DAE ever feel like just sell everything and like buy a boat and just travel the world to get away from everything and everyone? : I sometime on and off get the strong urge to just pick up and leave my whole life behind. It have started to happen more often the older I´ve gotten. I got lovely parents and siblings. And atm a lovely partner which with whom I share a house that we bought a couple of years ago. Due to medical circumstances we have had to put some of our life plans on hold and I have suffered from some sort of depression the last year. Both bc of the putting life on hold, the medical stuff, but also bc I have a lot of problems with my current job. So I can somewhat understand that the urge to just ditch everything is once again on my mind. But at the same time I somewhat suspect that I wouldn't´t be happy even if I took that jump into the unknown. And I´m hesitant do alter to much in my life atm of the big stuff, as long as I´m not feeling that great bc I don´t want to regret it later when I´m back at being myself. But at the same time I somewhat know that I have to alter stuff to get out of this depression and situation I´m in. So I´m kinda just stuck, booth physical and emotional atm, and it just sucks and is eating me up from the inside. But apparently I have a to good poker face for it to show, which even my psychiatrist says, don´t know if I should take it as a compliment or not. I just don´t like showing feelings to strangers, not to anybody really so I just bottle the most things up. Which I know isn´t good, but I suck at handling my own emotions. And when I even can´t explain to myself why I feel as I do, how in the world should I be able to explain it to someone else.
Sorry for the rant but I´m just wondering if anybody else have been feeling something similar and what you maybe did to get out of it?",moderate
dev_pid_794,"In the end...minecraft is probably the answer : As a 19 year old autist I don't have anything going for me. Jobs don't hire autistic people unless youre the whitewashed good doctor autistic. The only job autistic people can get is a dead-end 7.25 dishwasher every other weekend job.  Women find autistic people as creeps due to their shit social skill. I'm about to be 20 and I don't want to live with my parents for another 20 years or get sent to a mental house due to how suicidal I am....so in reality minecrafting myself is the answer.
Minecraft meaning sunset meaning off yourself.",moderate
dev_pid_795,"I always tell my self life will eventually get better , but it constantly gets worse. : Like I remember thinking about my future when I was still like 13 or 14 like my social anxiety will go away , I’ll have a well paying job, someone to share my life with. But now I have no enthusiasm for anything , my social anxiety has gotten worse. I’ve lost so many friends and even family but I still think that in a couple years I’m going to get out of this and do something good with my life. In reality it will get worse. The only reason I have friends is because were forced to be with each other because of college, after that I know I’m gonna be left alone. Always thinking back to my days as a young teenager and even younger thinking how good life was, but was so unaware of it at that time. Shit sucks",moderate
dev_pid_796,"Isolated : With this COVID-19 on the rise the company I work for is having everyone work remotely until the end of May. I understand the severity and precautions everyone is taking, especially since I live in a populated city, however I do not know if I can handle being alone the entire time. My office supplied interaction, food, and a gym, as effective this Monday no one is allowed back until the end of May. I don't go to the store really because of my anxiety so I don't have anything at my apartment except rice, Amazon doesn't deliver groceries to my area but I guess I can try those apps like postmates or something but I don't know of that will be enough. I'm worried my depression will get a lot worse and I won't be able to do my job.",moderate
dev_pid_797,I feel like I should have killed myself a long time ago : it's like I'm avoiding the inevitable. It never got any better for me and I should have killed myself already.,moderate
dev_pid_798,Hi I'm Noah : I have severe depression since idk but my life just gets worse and worse,moderate
dev_pid_799,"I hate that stupid depression-loop. : You feel depressed  
Decide to try and do something  
You fuck up  
You feel more depressed  
Rinse, repeat",moderate
dev_pid_800,"I wish I could tell my family and friends how low I am right now, but I can't deal with the consequences right now either. : My family and friends love me so much. They get concerned for me and I can see pain in their eyes. They suffer when I suffer. I can't and won't subject them to that anymore. 
Thank God my cat can't understand English.",moderate
dev_pid_801,"Feeling especially detached and lonely today while I travel. : I’ve been feeling especially detached from my self and really lonely today. I’ve been traveling for work and I’m alone and away from my family, friends and SO. My job requires me to travel often and sometimes I find myself feeling further away from myself and hard to ground myself. I’ve had depression, anxiety and derealization/depersonalization for almost half my life so for the most part I’ve learned how to cope and function the best I can. Today is one of those days where these feelings are hitting me hard and I’m feeling very lost. 
I worked a 60 hour week and on Thursday it all started to catch up to me - the sleep deprivation, anxiety and stress. Usually being at work helps distract me from those feelings of detachment and loneliness but I started feeling more anxious and out of my body and became very aware of it. It became hard to talk to other people because I would feel like it wasn’t me who was talking in the middle of my sentences and then start focusing on those thoughts instead of the present moment. I don’t get to go home until the end of this week and I’m having some trouble coping. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this week if I keep feeling this way especially in the workplace. I’m feeling really lonely, far away from everyone (especially during this state of panic where all my friends get to work from home) and these feelings are escalating. There’s a feeling in my chest that just feels really down and I want to cry right now. It’s starting to affect my mental state as well as how I function at work. 
Would greatly appreciate any advice or words of comfort. 
TLDR: Traveling for work this week has started to take a toll on me and I’m feeling very depressed and away from myself and everything around me.",moderate
dev_pid_802,"I just found out that an aquintance of mine and I had the same demon : I recently got in contact with an aquintance that I knew during the early half of attending university. Then our conversation arrived at a point where we asked each other what was the reason we ended up dropping a lot of our subjects and ultimately late for graduation. 
She opened up that a friend of mine harassed and bullied her nonstop until she broke down and started missing a lot of her classes. And she fell into depression. 
I broke away from this friend because of the same reason, she didn't bully me. Though thinking now, I think she saw me as someone convinient. I slowly saw this person's toxicity and attitude towards others that she doesn't see as someone she can take advantage of and I parted ways with her. 
Later on, I noticed that alot of our common friends started avoiding me; the people that I intoduced to her. Sure enough, my reputation was already destroyed by her with lies upon lies. 
Soon after I also started missing classes, and avoiding people. A lot of things fell apart in my life after that. 
After hearing that this aquintance and I had the same person that started out spiral to rock bottom, I realized how vile that friend was. 
We're both trying to recover now, step by step. Though a lot of the times I still want to end it all, I want to see this aquintance get better and find happiness.",moderate
dev_pid_803,It’s bad : Life is beautiful but when you make too many wrong decisions it becomes hard and a dark place and you’re too deep in this hole that it becomes reality I’ve struggled with it since I was 14 some days I think it is a phase and it will go and some days I think I will have it forever and it’s all just miserable I know I can try but can I really change? Or just I’m destined to stay like this forever 😞,moderate
dev_pid_804,"I want to, but I can't. : I have a girlfriend, she tries to understand me, but she can't really. I haven't hung out with her lately, but I've been with this other girl, she has a boyfriend so we're both taken. She understands me, I understand her and I just feel like we have this emotional connection. Don't get me wrong I have this really strong connection with my girlfriend too. We have so many similarities, but the thing is I don't like her anymore. It makes me feel like such a fucking player, I just can't help but to cry and harm myself, yesterday I fucked up my hand pretty badly 'cause I punched a wall. I don't want to know what my girlfriend will do if I confess to her about this, she's been through so much shit in her life. I want to end it, but I don't want the other girl to go through that again. My girlfriend's been broken so many times and I thought I could fix her. Turns out I can't. I tried so hard ignoring my feelings towards the other girl, but it just doesn't work like that does it? I truly want to end it all, my life is really shit anyway, been battling with depression since 6th grade. I'm almost 16 now. Yeah I know It's not that long but look, I'm not strong nor will I ever be. I'm just thinking of making all of my friends really angry towards me so they don't have to be sad when I kill myself. 
I'm sorry for all the grammatical errors I'm not a native.",moderate
dev_pid_805,"Life is disappointing and so am I. : My life is disappointing.
It's not bad. Not by any means. I have a loving family and partner. I have been given a good education, I have disposable income, some good friends and have always had not so run of the mill jobs.
But everyday I am filled with dread and disappointment. I just look at my life and I'm like 'meh'. I get told that this way of thinking is ungrateful. Others have it much worse and don't get me wrong they do. I'd take 'meh' over cancer or abuse any day but it still doesn't change the feeling of catastrophic disappointment I feel towards life.
And I feel like I'm running out of options. I'm not a social climber or a company man. I just cba. I mean I was and could have been these things but even at the top of my game it all seemed frivolous. A battle between peers to feel like you had some sort of power over others/situations to help validate yourself. Not for me. 
I'm not a creative either, again could have been - had some potential. Going back to education I attended 2 of the top schools in my country for the creative field I persued. But ultimately I watched as others found passion in their creations and transformed this into validation towards their lives; while all I found was frustration and an overwhelming feeling of pointlessness. 
Sometimes I think maybe if I won the lottery or became rich or famous life would present more avenues for excitement and life would seem less entropic. Then I think what would really change. I'd still get up, maybe do some work, chat to people, eat and go to bed. My clothes would be nicer, maybe I'd go on holiday more but sadly life's experiences are quintessentially the same and that is fucking scary. 
Now I just think maybe life's just one big disappointment and then you die, or more likely I'm not particularly that special and that is disappointing,  so a disappointing life with ensue. 
Summary : I will forever stay depressed at my mediocre life because I can't see past it's disappointments.",moderate
dev_pid_806,"Just venting...Just hit me other 22 year olds are going to college, having sex, having fun with friends, and enjoying living, meanwhile my life has gotten so bad I think I'll be dead any day. : I've always been a depressed loser. Never had any friends. Assumed things would improved as I aged into my 20s but my life has become a living nightmare. 
I spend all day everyday in bed after quitting my nightmare job due to severe anxiety. I abuse alcohol severely. I'm paranoid every day I'm going to be dead from heart/kidney/liver failure. I have such bad fatigue. I don't remember the last time I wasn't tired. 
I just can't believe my life has become this. I have NOTHING. I used to think I was a loser  when I was teenager because I didnt have friends and all i did was play videogames. There was a small period of time when I was 20-21 where I was in shape and I felt good about myself. But now i literally am a loser. I've ballooned up to 220 pounds from 155  And I'm going to be dead by 30. I don't want to die. I know life has good things to offer. I just wish I could obtain them.",moderate
dev_pid_807,"I’m done : I’m now at the point where everything feels worthless, I can’t see life improving at all, I’ve self harmed for the first in nearly 10 years, I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live",moderate
dev_pid_808,"I feel like I’m spiralling : Hi, 21 M here. I feel like my whole life and mind is spiralling down into a crappy depression and I feel absolutely terrible. I hate myself, the way I look, the way I think, how my anxiety restricts me compared to so many others who are comfortable in public. I have no hobbies anymore, I feel like my best friends are replacing me as they’re starting to hang out with someone much more and put me on the back burner. There’s a lot of stress in my family at the moment. I’ve never been in a relationship and feel so alone right now. I hate my university degree and hate the future I’m going to get from it. Everything feels so bad, I feel like giving up, I never feel like I’m going to get a break.",moderate
dev_pid_809,"Feeling like a shell : Some days i feel like an empty shell. No motivation, no desire to connect, dont want to talk to anyone. I have been depressed before but not like this. I just feel like there is not a part of me that cares if i live, die, succeed, have friends or a job, get out of bed or keep things clean. I feel like i have had so much sadness i cant relate to anyone anymore. Its like i am in a bubble far far away from other people and i dont care. I dont care if anything gets better or if i connect with anyone.
I feel completely disconnected.",moderate
dev_pid_810,Depression and weight loss : I've struggled with depression for years and it never really affected my weight until now. I had my son 2 yrs ago and gained some weight that is really making my mental state worse. Admittedly I've been falling into disordered eating habits and not getting out a lot which makes it hard to lose weight but I'm struggling to find the motivation to actually do something instead of just mentally torturing myself. Any advice on getting motivated when you're dealing with serious depression?,moderate
dev_pid_811,I wish I had committed suicide earlier : This is why you should trust your instincts,moderate
dev_pid_812,"Old habits die hard. Haven't showered or properly brushed my teeth in weeks. I feel disgusting. : Haven't showered in 5 or 6 weeks. Haven't properly brushed my teeth for 3 weeks. I used to brush my teeth 2x a day and use mouthwash/floss 1x a day due to anxiety. Now I'm lucky if I even brush once a day, let alone floss or use mouthwash. I obviously haven't shaved. Some days I even forget deodorant...but I've asked my closest friends and they seemed shocked, said they would have never guessed (baby wipes and dry shampoo 2x a week). 
I'm about to keep dental floss by my bed so I at least do that... This is pathetic and gross. On another note, I can barely work anymore. Even when I drag myself to work I'm so floaty and disconnected that I can't focus on my job. I'm sure that's on the thin ice, too.",moderate
dev_pid_813,Cant move from bed. I really wish i didnt exist : I wish i could erase my existence. not die. Just fade from history.,moderate
dev_pid_814,I’m tired of being lonely : It’s gotten old .. I don’t enjoy my own company anymore I’m quite I’m sick of myself. Even now I keep pushing away anyone who walks into my life.,moderate
dev_pid_815,Suicide : I just want to fucking kill myeslf already. I wish it wasn’t so hard to find a way to end it thag wasn’t so fucking painful. Considering jumping off a building while drunk. I hope my gf will forgive me,moderate
dev_pid_816,"Corona is making my depression worse : this starts about three weeks ago when i broke my arm, i already felt lonely and left out this made it worse since i can’t do much with the cast. Then, it felt like school was draining the little eagerly i had left and didn’t know how i was going to keep going every week. Then, we’re told to stay hole for two weeks bc of corona and i realized my friends were really the only thing keeping me going it’s raining and cloudy and i just want to lie in the rain never have to get up again
this is sorta a vent, i see a therapist but i’m young and feel uncomfortable talking with about my depression",moderate
dev_pid_817,"Voices : All my life my family kept calling me dumb, stupid, and ignorant whenever I made a mistake. May it be a small mistake, or a big one. It hurt a lot at first but now I’ve grown so accustomed to it that I don’t feel anything anymore when they say those words. However, I find myself in a rut because of it.
I’ve been struggling a lot academically and all I hear in my head are the words they tell me about how stupid I am, but the worst part is: it’s my own voice I hear in my head, not theirs.
It had become a routine for me to degrade myself in my head, which is why it is immensely difficult for me to move forward and actually achieve something. When an “intellectual” problem/challenge comes my way, I just tend to step back and fade away in the distance.
I’m afraid that I won’t be able to achieve my dreams because I have a voice in my head that tells me I’d never do it. I know some might think that this is definitely under my control, but this voice can sometimes be so overpowering it makes me weak to my knees.
What do I do?",moderate
dev_pid_818,"More selfish complaints : Two days ago I took initiative towards my suicide attempt for the first time. I've had it planned for some time already, but this time I actually took a pill. Only one, no big deal, I know, but it's still rough. It's been 2 nights and my bf has been off ever since; he got drunk today and went do whatever. I know, I can't demand him to stay or anything,  if he doesn't want to it's ok... it just feel so cold, you know? He's feeling bad, he said. Well, on that very night he I called him and he freaked out, got mad and yelled at me. Then he started crying and tried to calm him down, it worked, but I ended up taking care of him, not him of me. Same happens with me cutting myself, whenever I tell him I really want to hurt myself he guilt trips me into not doing it by telling me he will do it himself. 
I know he means well, but I can't help being upset when he leaves me because hes felling bad. I'm always there for him (or I try to be)... hes lovely otherwise though. He tries to help me, I know it. I know how selfish this is, I'm sorry",moderate
dev_pid_819,"Nobody acts like they care about me. : I'm always in so much pain. Even the people who know I'm suffering, such as my parents, seem to think it's less than it actually is. Even as I struggle to prepare three meals a day for myself, leading to 10kg of weight loss last year, even as I live in grime and filth which is only kept in check by my own inactivity and even as my parents accept that even a simple technical college course might be too much work and stress for me, I don't see much comfort from anyone.
My divorced mother tells me that she blames herself for leaving me on my own, yet even when I lived with her the best I would get would be an ""I don't blame you for your mistakes"".  But that's all anyone ever acknowledges; my mistakes. I don't see how anyone can see this as a substitute for comforting someone. I don't blame her. She doesn't know any better. But I can't feel as though she cares about me, even when I know she does, when I haven't really been comforted by her in 19 years of life - when I've been put down for my mistakes, over and over and over again, but never praised, never having any sort of redeeming values be recognised.
I have friends, but when other friends prevent me from contacting them, while they do reach out to me, they never really bother to spend time with me beyond giving me their condolences. Sometimes it feels like life is conspiring, not to keep me isolated, but to make me feel as though nobody truly cares about me, even if they do include me in their social life.
Lastly, I would like to ask this: if people truly care about me, but they obstinately refuse to ever show me that they do, how is this supposed to make me feel as though life is worthwhile? When I am isolated beyond isolation itself, when even my most earnest efforts to connect with other human beings on a deeper level always result in nothing, how am I not supposed to feel as though life has never offered me anything? How am I supposed to trust it to ever offer me anything, when whatever it has to offer is so scarce I haven't caught a glimpse of it throughout all my life?",moderate
dev_pid_820,"I wish I could donate my living body to science. : Like lab mice, but with humans. 
Because is the experiment works then Yay I've contributed something meaningful to the world. And if the experiment fails miserably then there is a valid excuse to euthanize me. 
Win/win.",moderate
dev_pid_821,"Its getting harder to stay ""happy"" : I usually act happy around any and everyone. But starting about two weeks ago, it's feeling heavier and heavier as the days go by. Hell for the first time in six years I cut myself. I try to keep myself up but I keep getting sucked down into the abyss. 
I've also been dealing with with these rather dark fantasies. Like a substitute teacher I had, the fantasy was me beating his face into a desk repeatedly, until he was lathered in his blood, then cutting him up and disposing of him around my state. Along with the fantasies of me dead in various styles
It's getting to a point where I don't even except to wake up or even get home alive. It's that severe.
I have had three friends accidentally see the scars from where I cut, and they appear to understand me more than before. And there's always those that say it's for attention. But I personally say fuck 'em they wouldn't understand.",moderate
dev_pid_822,"I have absolutely NO energy : I look at other people’s lives and see how they constantly travel, see friends every day, go to work, class, events, etc and I am in awe. I’m unemployed and not in school (bc of covid19 closings) and rarely ever leave my room. I’ve been spending the past few weeks sitting around and not doing much at all. If I try to do anything—leave the house, run errands, meet someone, sometimes even shower, I feel utterly exhausted partway through, both physically and emotionally. I am SO FUCKING TIRED every damn day, no matter how much I sleep. My motivation, drive, lust, interest, passion for life, for anything at all, feels depleted. Very little brings me joy, and motivation to fight through hardships for moments of what-is-supposed-to-be joy. If I try to force myself to do something, I feel even more drained and disillusioned. If I do end up going out and doing something, a few hours in I will be dying to go back home. When I’m home for a long time, I’ll beat myself up over how I’m not doing anything substantial. I just want to feel interested and happy being alive again. I think my depression and anxiety has crippled that severely. I feel like a limp drained dishrag.",moderate
dev_pid_823,"Depression : Hi, i posted my history last week here and this have relation. [https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fffjvo/everyday\_i\_have\_less\_desire\_to\_be\_alivedo/](https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fffjvo/everyday_i_have_less_desire_to_be_alivedo/)   
Sometimes i thinks about talking with friends about my problem but in the next moment that i thought that i refuse to do it because 2 friends sometime talk about his depression and that they go to the  psychologist, etc. 
When i think about that i think: wow im scared af to tell them and  that i dont go to no where bla bla bla bc i dont know what to do. i thinks that they gonna laugh of what i say and obviously the main reason, some of them are one part of my depression. 
Im stucked at this point, dont know what to do, i dont have money to afford a  psychologist (my brother had one and was 50€ per week) and i dont want to make more problems to my family telling them of this.
Sorry for my english, its a bit awkward",moderate
dev_pid_824,Any other parents with suicidal or harmful thoughts? : I think I’ve finally reached my breakdown. I know my daughter deserves a better life than a mentally unstable parent.,moderate
dev_pid_825,"I intended to kill myself. Twice in the same week : I just don't want to live anymore. Everything sucks. I went to jump off my roof but I was just too tired to go through with it while I was there. I tried again and the same thing. I don't know what's holding me back, but I wish it would just stop.",moderate
dev_pid_826,"Just ventilating : So I just want to ventilate some stuff so here goes. Ever since I was younger I was weak, easy to read and hell I was bullied alot I was always framed for stuff I didn't do and i gave up I sub subcame to the abuse and just became their battering ram and I thought after primary everything would be fine but no secondarys worse I was instantly outcasted and had no friends and then due to me being an out cast I was abused targeted and i guess I made up in my head what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, man I'm a fucken idiot because I now feel the emptiness of having nothing to show with my nearly 18 years of life  oh wait I got my blood and tears at both schools so I guess I say I left some mark but hey I suppose I got more time so i thought i should try to ventilate my bottled up feeling cause hell i doubt anyone i know will see this so fuck it.",moderate
dev_pid_827,"Shoulda died when i had the chance : my older brother almost killed me twice. once when i was a toddler taking my first steps. he grabbed my head and smashed it into the sidewalk and dragged me a couple feet. the second time he hit me in the head with a golf club. if it had been a centimeter closer to my temple it would’ve killed me. my dad was absent this whole time and my mom physically and emotionally abused me until she realized she was pushing me to the brink of suicidal at age 12. 
what have i grown into now? ive dropped out of college twice. im on my 7th type of antidepressant without improvement. after a decade my mom has finally realized she fucked up, so now she’s trying to atone for her sins by   letting me live in her house but she beat the will to live out of me a long time ago. 
i wouldn’t have this sob story if i hadn’t been allowed to mature to this age. it would’ve been better for everybody. i literally feel like it’s a mistake i didn’t die all the times i could have, and this amount of life could’ve been given to someone who’d have actually done something with it",moderate
dev_pid_828,"And now, death sounds like a melody... : Sometimes .... No matter how much you try.... It's all the same... Same rules apply ¯\_(ツ)_/¯",moderate
dev_pid_829,"I feel like I'll never get out of this, no matter what I do, and people will never understand my sickness and will abandon and judge me for it : I think it's happening now. I have a friend I really miss. She has stopped talking to me. I feel like I'm an awful person. I can't get rid of that feeling, and I just feel so sad, so weighted down. I can't stop crying.
I wish it would all end. I wish I had a close friend to lean on and help me through this.",moderate
dev_pid_830,"Nothing is fun. : Playing games, music, art, even eating is more habitual than because Im hungry. No matter what I do, I cant get enjoyment out of anything I used to. Is there anything I can possibly do to stop this?",moderate
dev_pid_831,"I feel trapped inside my own body : It's 1 AM and want to go out to the streets and pick an axe or a bat, or a steel bar and just break stuff. Hit a car. Break a window. Beat people up, and scratch and bite them all over. Screech and yell and jump and run, and kick stuff
I don't know what's wrong with me but I feel a lot of impulses right now that are hard to control",moderate
dev_pid_832,"It all feels so hopeless : I just can't help, but to feel hopeless. I have lost my job, the woman I admired unfriended me, and my best friend ghosted me again for the second time. I can't go to the gym because of fear of contagion, and job postings and calls have decreased. Why did I have to switch to such a useless major? Why did I fall for someone I knew who was unavailable from the start? Why do people keep abandoning me like trash? I'm always the one putting in these relationships only to see them collapse. Now I'm stuck at home feeling like a burden to my family. I wouldn't be surprised if they got fed up with me one day and kicked me out.",moderate
dev_pid_833,"Is anyone just tired of crying or just feeling sad over the same crap : Honestly I can't cry anymore I use to cry myself to sleep most nights and feel really sad all the time. now I just feel apathy and anger and there's a few time sadness creeps in which I stop myself from crying because I cry over the same shit, like no ones going to love me, why am I not good enough, why doesn't she feel the same way I do. Like honeslty i'm the fucking problem, no ones wants to be with someone who is so fucking pathetic and is to scared to be themeselves, bohoo you where abused and bullied could you just get out of your fucking  ass. You expect to have a girlfriend or someone to love when you won't let anyone in and fucking cry, or hate yourself when they leave. No shit they fucking tried but your where too scared and they ain't going to fucking chase you around. But noooo you still keep clinging on to the hope she's going to save you  ain't you, you pathetic misersable fuck.",moderate
dev_pid_834,"I dont want to sleep, because I dont want to wake up nevermore : ",moderate
dev_pid_835,"I've been self improving but it never gets me any closer to having a friend. : It seems like no matter how hard I try, I never figure it out. I dont have anyone who wants to spend time with me more than once. And honestly I've tried to share and solve my problems so many times in person and online that I just don't even know where to start. Like when you get lost in a thought for a while and you forgot how you even got there or ehy you're there.
I have been trying to get counseling but my campus is completely booked.
It's like...I just want to feel a connection. Or like I made someone laugh. Or like I made someone happy. It's been 4 years since I've had a friend who enjoyed being with me. I have nothing to say ever. It's like people just speak at me. Their words speak for themselves idk what they want from me. Or maybe I am too dumb or something. I'm a fucking idipt. Just a fucking idiot fucking idiot idito idotk ndjdjdndbfbdbfvhd
I am so lost guys and I'm here all alone at sea looking for the shore and I lost it. I forgot where it was. What ever happened to me",moderate
dev_pid_836,My life doesn't matter at all am better off dead : I'll try to make this short: I almost never feel happy I hate myself I have little to no friends and everytime I try to reach out for help I would just get ingnored it seems like there is no reason to live am my family well is not like they hate me but we dont talk at all am so far away from they that I dont trust them at all. Am not social at all so when I made friends I did stupid things and acted stupid over all everyone thinks am crazy I feel like everyone thinks am a weird kid or autistic I also fucked up with the girl I liked since I kept doing stupid shit she tought I was weird and sometimes I was mean to her for no reason (tho I loved her) I wish that I could go back in time and fix all the shit I did wrong now am noone I dont have a future I cant do anything right I may even fail the school year am so lonleny everyday feels empy and that noone cares about me I wanna die but I cant die am stuck in this shitty reality without hope love or friends everyones lifes are better than mines am just a lazy stupid useless and terrible person without anything good in his life (sorry for any spelling issues),moderate
dev_pid_837,I just feel so alone : I’m pretty been struggling with depression for about a year now but I haven’t told anyone about it. I’m afraid of upsetting my family because they all seem to be so happy and I don’t want to ruin that. I’m just so fucking lonely and miserable being stuck in my own head all the time without anyone to confide in. I don’t know what to do,moderate
dev_pid_838,"I never feel at home or at peace no matter what. : It’s like I am always on edge, I never feel happy but always feel anxious and miserable, when I catch a glimpse of happiness the depression pulls me back harder then ever and it just hurts to a point where I don’t understand what it’s keeping me alive but I am in so much deep pain.",moderate
dev_pid_839,"hard to explain this feeling : i have this constant feeling of a black hole, or emptiness, right in the middle of my chest. it doesn’t hurt, it just feels as if it is constantly sucking the happiness from my body. it exhausts me. the emptiness makes me so sad all the time and i just don’t know what to do about it. it feels like if i could just spill out all my emotion to somebody it would feel better, but i just can’t find the words to say. it’s like i’m in a constant search of the words i want to say to let it out but i can’t find them. i feel empty and quite frankly sometimes suicidal. i’ve been so close to ending it all before but just haven’t been able to make myself yet. i can just tell one of these harder nights i’m finally going to give in to this emptiness inside of me and just do it. i don’t want to. i don’t want to die yet. i just want this feeling to be gone so bad but i just don’t know how to fix it. someone please help me, i feel so broken. please help me.",moderate
dev_pid_840,"Everyone says to speak to someone : Everyone says to speak to someone when I'm suicidal, but no one will notice me anymore. I haven't had friends for years and my mum just thinks i'm being dramatic. Don't see what's left for me but to die at this point.
Thanks for reading.",moderate
dev_pid_841,"I want to live, just not the way I am living now : So I have believe I have been suffering from depression for almost 1.5 years now (atleast I believe I suffer from depression) and recently I gathered enough courage to tell this to my parents and friends, they helped me, listened to me and I can tell that they do love me, but also they don't believe I have depression, they say I am just overthinking and it's all in my head and honestly I think maybe that's true, anyways I am not here to discuss about that. What I wanted to say is that when I told them about my situation I realised that maybe I don't want to die, I want to live, but I just don't want to continue the way I am now.
I want to progress forward, want to build better relationships with everyone, want a family and have kids (I know this all sounds cliché) but just not in my current situation, I don't want to burden anyone with my worries and mental health issues.",moderate
dev_pid_842,"What happened? : What happened?
I graduated high school
I got into college
I found love
I got married
I graduated
I got a full time job
So why do I still feel this way?
Empty, alone
Not isolated, there’s plenty of people around me
In fact, I feel most alone in a crowd full of people
Wandering eyes, casual conversations between lifelong friends, and complete strangers
What is the one constant?
They’re never directed at me
I feel so forgotten
Alone
Desperate
Sad
Anxious
And worst of all, I feel like a disappointment to my wife
Because she is in every way wonderful
Waking up beside her reminds of the beauty of Gods design
She is completely, impossibly flawless
And yet, this loneliness remains 
It’s like a cavern in my chest,
I feel it growing wider
With every day spent in routine and evenings spent alone, the cavern just gets deeper
I bury myself in my career to forget about the brokenness inside
My manager breaks my heart
By complimenting my success at work, 
Because work is my method of escape, and lately I’ve needed a lot of escaping
I won’t give up, because she depends on me
I won’t give up, because I am responsible for too many
I won’t give up, because I can’t muster the energy to get out of bed",moderate
dev_pid_843,"VENT: I am very lonely and depressed : I'm a 30yo male.  In my personal time, I try to distract myself with things to do, so I can fight the loneliness.  At times, I have a thought that I should just kill myself and get it over with because I'm going to be alone forever.  I'm a Software Engineer, and girls do not really like IT guys.  I think it's just going to get worse for me.  I've looked up ways to kill myself.  I think overdosing is probably the best way to go.
I've tried things like rsd (real social dynamics).  I have gone out to clubs and bars, and I've approached women, but I face a lot of rejection.  My co-workers make fun of me because I am not good at talking to girls.  I am very ashamed by it.  I understand why women are not attracted to me, though.  It's because they don't see any value in me.  I have little to no social status.
The last time I had a girl friend was when I was 17, so 13 years ago.  After that, my best friend was my dog who is now dead.  I realize that I have to go out and make serendipity happen.  A girl is not just going to come up and knock on my door.
I just don't understand why it has to be so hard.  Why can't I just be enough to someone?   Life was supposed to be different, and I've become extremely disenchanted with life.
One of these days, I'm going to snap.  I'll have that bottle of pills ready.",moderate
dev_pid_844,Depression has taken over my life : I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to die.,moderate
dev_pid_845,"Overwhelmed : I’m quite depressed. Have been for the past 4 years and right now I would say it feels like it’s at its peak. I just got into school for EMS and I swear I’m going to go insane from just constantly being stuck in my head. Every single day is a battle and I’m just fuckin sick of it. I have zero desire to go to school, I have a ton of deadlines and I haven’t even started it and all I can think about is driving to the high level bridge in my town and jumping. Either that or just take an entire bottle of melatonin. I just feel like I can’t do everything at once right now... would it be stupid if I dropped out of school so I can just go lay in my room 24/7? Cuz that’s what I do when I get home anyways and it’s the only thing I look forward to",moderate
dev_pid_846,"I guess I should have seen it coming... : After 8+ years clean, I relapsed 💔 post partum took its toll on me hard... but I have to keep my head up and keep looking forward. Even if not for myself, but for my daughter.",moderate
dev_pid_847,"Ending it : I think It’s officially my time to go. Sometime this week I just need to get it over with. Thank you to everyone on this page, helped me thru a lot of dark times but this one is a little too dark for me. God bless you all.",moderate
dev_pid_848,"hi, um, breathing is starting to hurt, so please excuse my vent : hello everyone! this is my first time on reddit, and i just... really wanted to get my feelings out. i hide and suppress my feelings so i don’t have to do this sort of thing, but after the past couple of weeks, i just need to get this off my chest. thank you to everyone in advance who takes the time to listen to my selfish rant, haha.
honestly, i don’t feel like i’m living anymore. i thought that i had my depression under for awhile, but it just spiraled down into the place where i’m at right now. everything hurts, and getting out of bed is so much harder than it should be. god, it’s stupid, but i’m even scared of going to sleep because of my vivid and horrible nightmares. i’m so exhausted, but i try and force myself to stay awake regardless. the time spent during my nights is usually crying and, um, cutting my body until i just can’t anymore. i was clean for a good two weeks as well, but i relapsed again. it’s... actually starting to scare me how much and how deep i cut now... i’m just so, so tired. i’m trying my best to stay happy and put on a smile, but at this point, death seems like a comfort rather than a fear.. i keep getting those thoughts that maybe it would be better if i just fell asleep and never woke up. just so i wouldn’t have to deal with this anymore.
i’m sorry, this was such a mess of words, haha. it felt nice to actually get it all out though, so thank you again.",moderate
dev_pid_849,"I have no idea where I would be if I didn't have my cat : She stopped me from crying, self harm, and would in general make me feel good, and that someone loved me which is a feeling I get no where else",moderate
dev_pid_850,"Short Memoir of my Depression : I'll start by saying this has been something I've meant to do for awhile now. During my time with depression I told myself if I ever found my way out of it that I would post my experience so that maybe someone out there who was just like me could stumble upon this and get better at least just a little bit.  So this is me sharing my story along with things that really helped me in particular.
For most of my life I would have described myself as a happy, optimistic person. Good family, good friends, good life in general. That's not to say my life was free of any emotional hardship. Specifically relevant were a couple of times I think I had a couple brief encounters with shorter term depression. In 7th grade there were a few weeks where I was very low emotionally. Feelings of not fitting in, some weird form of bullying. I remember being at my lockers when someone who was something of a friend came over and asked me if I was alright, and that shocked me into realizing I wasn't feeling alright even though I just deflected with ""I've just been tired lately."" That brief encounter kind of snapped me out of the negative mindset I was in. In that instance I think all I needed was to know some of my peers actually did care about me so I've always been very grateful to that person in a way they aren't aware of. The rest of my middle school and high school experience was very good overall. The other brief encounter was just a random day during my freshman year of college. I got back to my dorm after classes on a beautiful Friday. So much stuff that I could potentially do, outside activities with friends, online videogames with friends from high school and elsewhere, any number of campus activities. I sat down and was just overwhelmed with this immense feeling of *boredom.* All this opportunity at my fingertips and none of it appealed to me at all. In fact in that moment it felt like there wasn't anything in the world that would stop this feeling of boredom and that quite nearly brought me to tears. This actually scared me afterwards and over the next few weeks there was an uptick in me going and doing things I thought were productive and fun to make sure I didn't feel that feeling again. I was not so lucky as to avoid it forever.
Flash forward to the start of my senior year of college. I had just wrapped up a typical summer working hard, spent some time camping with my family, and was excited to be back to classes. My friends and I had founded a new club at the university, the classes themselves were engaging, and everything was going great. A couple months in and things just started to, I don't know, slip. The fun of anything I was doing just started to fade out slowly and because of this I started to withdraw from doing them. Less and less attentive with the club, less attentive with my social life, less attentive with classes, less attentive with physical fitness. By the end of the semester everything had *really* slipped, including my grades, and I just felt really burnt out on everything. I kept telling myself that winter break would be the recharge I needed. Some time to relax and refocus. Of course I didn't fully comprehend my situation at the time and was totally wrong. Over winter break I had gone back home and spent a large amount of time sleeping/resting. Even when I was awake I really wasn't doing much. At one point I had gone down for yet another nap and my mom came down and asked me if anything was wrong. She noticed the slip in my grades, the sleeping, etc. When she did that it made me briefly aware that something was indeed wrong even if I didn't know what, but I of course deflected it to just being burnt out from last semester and trying to rest up. By the end of break I told myself that I should have my energy back to really finish strong.
For the first month or two of the semester I came out swinging. I was extremely on top of everything, ahead on all my work and getting good grades on it all. Back to my normal gym routine. And yet I had this feeling that I was still just *behind* and despite how well I was doing, just unfulfilled. This was making me uncharacteristically anxious and would cause me to suddenly feel extremely tired. The tiredness led to slipping on things, missing classes and assignments more and more frequently. Eventually I had stopped going to classes altogether. Shortly after this I had started regularly crying myself to sleep, each time this happened pushing me closer and closer to calling my parents and breaking down to them. They beat me to the punch when I got a knock on my door and it was a police officer doing a wellness check because I hadn't responded to my parents for awhile. I broke down on the spot. The officer was very respectful and polite and encouraged me to call my parents, and left shortly after I called them. The next day my mom was out at my university, which was no small trip as it was 1,600 miles from home.
The rest of the week was a whirlwind that shot my stress through the roof. A lot of this was necessary, some of it felt overbearing. I remember getting texts from various people wanting to talk and feeling so exposed, as if my mom had just outed me to everyone regardless of what she actually told them to trigger these responses. She wanted to constantly be around me even though I told her repeatedly that I wasn't going to self harm and didn't feel alone (both completely true), and the lack of space didn't help anxiety levels. However she also pushed me towards all sorts of necessary meetings. With the Dean of Students, with Student Counseling, with professors, with Student Health. Student Counseling, at least at first, was somehow the least considerate of my situation. I remember that meeting clearly, the lady doing the consulting talking to my mom and giving off a vibe as if she thought I was just slacking off in my studies due to poor work ethic and distractions. She did a 180 when I actually started talking about the gradual fade of enjoyment from virtually everything, voice quivering while I was not very successfully fighting back tears, and immediately recommended me to Student Health. The doctor I met with there was much more considerate and recognized the depression right away. More tears were shed, this time from fear, as I faced the realization of being prescribed and SSRI and becoming aware of just how much my situation had escalated. With consultation from the Dean of Students, I did an All-Withdrawal, packed/stored my things, and flew back home.
The next year or so was a rough one, and contained the absolute lowest points of my life. I was a shadow of my former self. Thinking back to that time a lot of it was a blur of feeling empty punctuated by moments of extreme sadness. Even now, when I no longer consider myself depressed, simply thinking of them to type them out has me tearing up, and when I talk about it out loud my voice breaks and I can no longer hold back the tears. The spring/summer which was essentially ""family camping/get together"" season was very tough. Going on camping trips with the fifth-wheel which felt like torture as I laid trapped in a setting that I used to love now forced to realize it gives me no pleasure. Family events where I felt I was only showing up to show-face while spending the rest of the time holding back depressive tears surrounded by loving family and friends. At some point I had started therapy but I wasn't at all consistent with it. Not because it wasn't good or because I had something against it, just because depression had sapped all my self motivation to engage with it. I would still interact with friends but it was extremely taxing. It felt inconsiderate to drag anyone else down with me so I would spend a lot of what little energy I had to still interact positively with people around me. Only a few people really ever saw how I was actually feeling behind it all. I'm sure my friends loosely pieced together some extent of things but I doubt they had any idea of the full picture. Like knowing I was subtly lower energy or slightly down in mood, but unaware of the depression specifically.
 Going to sleep eventually only led to dreams where I also felt depressed. Long nights of crying from the emotional pain and frustration of my situation. Constantly asking myself ""*Why do I feel this way""* and desperately searching for a solution, hurting more and more every time I came up empty handed. Strangely enough, it was never really self-esteem involved which made it all the more confusing to me. I *knew* there were many people that cared for me, that I was intelligent, that I've had many good experiences in my life, that I had value as a person. And yet none of that mattered to me and only made it that much more frustrating to feel so miserable. There were a couple of months where I hit my personal rock bottom. I had fully disengaged from everything in my life, I couldn't even muster the energy to so much as play a video game. For about two weeks things got exceptionally bad. I was never actively suicidal or thought about self harm, but during those two weeks and maybe some surrounding them I felt to be what I consider passively suicidal. I no longer actually cared to be alive. I hurt all day, and hurt in my dreams. The only relief I had was unconsciousness between REM cycles. I wasn't going to kill myself, but the idea of just falling asleep and not waking back up, or just withering away to nothing, appealed greatly to me (It took me awhile to type that sentence because of all the powerful feelings it brings up even just thinking about it). For those two weeks I did almost absolutely nothing but lay in bed, either staring at the ceiling or trying to sleep. I barely ate or drank at all, some days not eating anything and the others likely less than 500 calories. If my parents came to check on me, I'd quickly pull out my phone and make it appear as if I was at least doing something minuscule then immediately putting it away as soon as I was out of their attention. Maybe in some way I really needed to hit this point, as shortly after began the slow climb out of the pit of my depression.
I don't know exactly what it was, maybe just absolutely crippling boredom, but one day not long after that two week period I decided to go back and play a videogame I had started but never finished. May also be in part to having decided to be more consistent with taking my prescribed SSRI (which I had not been at that point). To me this was the moment things began to improve, albeit slowly. It wasn't much, but it was infinitely better than passively killing myself. I slowly started to reengage over the next few months with very basic things like videogames and some of the online friends associated with them, with TV shows/movies, streams etc. I still largely felt numb while engaged with these things, none of it felt satisfying or truly enjoyable but it at least distracted me from some of the pain. Soon my younger sister still in high school started having late night practices multiple times a week which I would provide rides for. Because I didn't want to waste the gas to drive home just to drive back down and then back again (10 miles from the house to the school) it was an easy way to work the gym back into my schedule. Soon I was being much more consistent with my therapy sessions and SSRI use. I was engaging more with my friends. As things shifted into the summer I wasn't feeling nearly as low even if I still wasn't experiencing any happiness. I felt stable enough to take an online class to further my already almost finished degree. To me this actually highlighted the current issue I was facing at the time. I was completing everything on time or earlier, getting almost perfect grades, and not feeling exceptionally sad or stressed. However, I was extremely apathetic. An ""A"" on a paper or assignment felt meaningless, zero satisfaction where I felt it could have been an ""F"" for all it mattered to me. This scared me a lot, and I started reading Reddit *a lot* looking for all sorts of different perspectives on life/activities, desperately hoping to find one that appealed to me. And while I learned a lot in general about many different things, the true way out of my depression came from self reflection.
At some point I resigned to my apathy/anhedonia. Never feeling pleasure was a tough pill to swallow but it was considerably better than emotional pain bringing me to tears on a daily basis. Once I accepted it is when things started to drastically change, because I started treating it almost like a super power. I was just so impartial to everything that in the same vein that otherwise enjoyable activities did nothing for me, otherwise boring/tedious/demanding tasks did nothing either as apathetic boredom was the staple of everything I did. So I figured if I can't be happy I could at least be productive. Took a part time job, upped my gym/fitness routine back to normal, started to live with my grandmother whom, at 93, needed constant help around her house and with errands. She was (Passed 3/4 of a year ago now) an incredibly strong woman and one of my biggest role models, and at the same time could be incredibly finicky and stubborn to the point that she would rapidly wear down the patience of her three daughters. I've always been an extremely patient person and my ""newfound"" apathy made me perfectly suited to help her on a constant basis. At some point I had also stopped taking any SSRIs (without letting anyone know), as they had helped me get out of that extreme low point but now I had my physical energy and all they were doing was giving me restless energy with no impact on my state of mind. Eventually I transitioned from weekly therapy sessions to biweekly. I stopped drinking soda entirely, not that it was really limiting my health, I just figured I got no pleasure from it so now's the best time to drop an unhealthy part of the diet. While I still couldn't feel pleasure and that I was largely just unsatisfyingly going through the motions of life I did feel as though I proved I was stable enough to return for my last semester of college at the start of the next year. My parents and therapist agreed with me, maybe even more so after I revealed to them that I had taken myself off the SSRIs months beforehand and remained increasingly stable.
Going back out to college I had fiercely crafted a productive routine consisting of very little besides classes/studying, exercise, eating, and sleep. About 8hrs of sleep, 5hrs of exercise (Combination of yoga, weight training, swimming, and running), 3hrs of eating (To maintain high enough calories for all the exercise), 6hrs of class/studying, and 2hrs of free time per day (More free time on the weekends). Every day was packed but it was easy to keep moving as long as I stayed moving because there wasn't anything that I actually *wanted* to do that could distract me. I was also going to group therapy twice weekly, and this is something that I think benefited me immensely even now. A lot of CBT along with just being able to talk and share experience with others directly that really aided my ability to feel comfortable with being vulnerable. I became aware that *inactivity* was a trigger for my depressive feelings. Because I was so apathetic, if I ""stopped moving"" there wasn't really any motivation to ""start moving"" so to speak, which made the weekends the more dangerous days of the week. It was also a fine balance of trying to determine whether or not it was physical/mental exhaustion that legitimately required rest, or simply depressive/apathetic thoughts pretending to be the same thing. I had created a mental image of a physics block diagram that had all the factors of my internal motivation and how depression fit into that. Spring break almost caused me to slip out of things entirely due to the sudden week+ long void in my routine, and the after effects were still felt for a few weeks. Luckily the gains in vulnerability paid huge dividends with getting myself back on track successfully.
Even more optimistic, I had started to get a number of very brief breakthroughs against the anhedonia. The first one almost brought me to tears. I was finishing my last lap on the track and *really* pushed myself on the last sprint and felt a deep internal focus and drive I hadn't felt felt for a long time. I wasn't just pushing myself to be productive, I was pushing myself because I *wanted it.* I probably would have broke down and cried on the spot but I fought back the tears because I was still at the gym. The second time was during a night run and as I came up over a hill I looked over the town lights from above and at the big starry sky and felt the cool air and just had the brief feeling of legitimate happiness. Something I hadn't experienced in over two years by that point. Because I was all alone I didn't even fight the tears this time around and just let them flow as I continued my run. Another time was when I had just got done with my evening yoga and was on the way back to my place listening to some comedy online radio station. It was just some dumb joke but I actually laughed out loud at it, which stopped me in my tracks because I realized I actually *enjoyed* it. Each of these little moments were fleeting, only maybe a couple seconds, but they were so incredibly powerful to me. They are still incredibly powerful to me, I was in tears yet again just typing them out here. It truly put things into perspective for me of just how starved for happiness I was, and I clung to those tiny moments intensely.
The next and maybe biggest challenge was still just down the road. While I finished the semester with a strong GPA and walked at commencement, I still had to take a summer field course. This meant no access to group therapy. Camping out in remote locations working on stressful assignments with little in the way of all they typical comforts from home. This would last for nearly two months. I won't lie, it did make me quite anxious. It was testing a lot of skills I had learned prior to my two year break from school and it was a sharp change to go from two group therapy sessions a week to none while removing comfort and increasing stress. And really it turned out to be just what I needed. About 2-3 weeks in I was starting to regularly experience freedom from my depression. Much longer lasting moments of happiness as a more frequent occurrence. Anxiety driven by Imposter Syndrome subsiding as I started doing exceptionally well on each project. Not that my emotional well being wasn't being tested. There were nights in my tent that I had felt very low and resulted in crying. My grandmother that meant so much to me passed away three weeks into it (I still got to talk to her on the phone that same day). And even though these challenges came at me it was just more and more proof that I could process them effectively and not get caught in a downward spiral. I finished with straight A's across each section and felt *satisfaction* finally. I knew somewhere in the field course experience the grip of depression had finally loosened and I felt I was starting to get some space to live.
Flash forward to now and I feel as though that grip is gone almost entirely, save for in my memories. It's tough to say when I actually felt totally over it. Not quite right at the end of the field course but also before the last few months where my life has actually been going exceedingly well. I do know that it will always be a part of me, an incredibly important part of me at that. It's something I think about quite often, and doing so typically brings tears quite easily. But they aren't tears of sadness or feeling weak, rather tears of knowing the strength that I had to fight a war with such an insidious opponent and come out victorious. I even sometimes think now that I'm grateful for it all in retrospect, as I am so much stronger of a person because of it. That if I had the opportunity to go back to the start and magically prevent the depression from ever occurring in the first place, I wouldn't. I know my situation was considerably less severe than that of many others out there. People driven to self harm or suicidal thoughts, depression that has lasted much longer and/or that has been coupled other terrible things like abuse/anxiety/bipolar/etc. But I do think that regardless of when you find your way out of it all (And you will), eventually you'll look back at it with a strange fondness for all of the strength and growth it gave you. How positively it shaped you in the long haul, even if positivity is a far off concept for you now like it was for me. To maybe help some people along this path I'd like to share some things that worked really well for me and hopefully they can for you too:
* **Please, please, please, get help!** This is not a battle you want to be fighting by yourself. I assure you that there are so many people that want to see you get better and help you in doing so. Many can be complete strangers. For me it was my direct family, my grandmother, my friends (Even if they didn't know the extent of things), my therapist/counselors, and so many random people on Reddit I never even directly interacted with gave me crucial perspective on life when I needed it most. Speaking of, I would feel more than happy to be one of those people to help anyone struggling so don't hesitate to message me if you want to talk.
* **Vulnerability.** This goes hand in hand with getting help. You are **NOT** weak for being vulnerable. You are **NOT** weak for seeking help. Vulnerability is one of if not *the* greatest strength I have taken away from my experience with depression and what has helped me the most when fighting back against it. Just openly talking about my feelings with others in group therapy was liberating, as was openly listening and accepting the vulnerability of others. When I think back to my lowest points I felt so incredibly weak, but when I think about the moments where I vocalized and shared those feelings I feel so strong.
* **Therapy**. Undoubtedly what ultimately got me through it all. Both one on one therapy and group therapy worked very well for me. Everyone can be different though. You yourself might respond better to one type or the other, with one style of therapist or another, with a certain personality of the therapist, with a certain frequency of visits. It's important to spend the time finding the fit that works the best for you. And this fit can change for you over time. I felt like I had kind of capped out on one-on-one therapy on a biweekly basis after a certain point and switching to group therapy at 4x the frequency benefited me greatly. However I needed that one-on-one time to even get to a point where the group therapy could be beneficial to begin with. For you it might be the opposite, or it might just be wildly different. Whatever you feel comfortable with and works.
* **Medication.** The idea of being put on an SSRI was terrifying to me in a lot of ways. It crystallized the severity of my situation and the idea of taking drugs to intentional alter my mind was not appealing to me. I had an off and on relationship with my consistency taking them. It was definitely necessary to get out of the lower depths of my depression. And as my depression evolved so did my medication needs. If I was more consistent with my medication it might have sped along my journey. While going off of them towards the end was ultimately the right call it was admittedly quite risky to do that without consultation first and I would not recommend my behavior in that case. Like therapy, it is very important to find that ""right fit"" of medication, whether it is none at all or some developed combination of SSRIs you and you psychiatrist have determined over time.
* **Engagement.** As depressive thoughts would take hold of me I would disengage more and more from different things in my life. It always felt easy, even like the right thing to do, under the excuse of ""just being tired."" In reality it was the opposite, I wasn't *truly* tired, and the more I disengaged the easier it was to get pulled by depression. It was slowly reengaging with things, even if the happiness was gone from them or diminished greatly, that triggered my recovery and eventually led to moments of lucidity long term. That's not to say you should just jump back to everything in your life all at once. I know that would have overwhelmed me and cause more of a backslide. Just a gradual reintroduction of things you used to enjoy and maybe some new things you've found along the way. Maybe a simple routine and some light responsibility that you can steadily add to as you feel comfortable. Things to keep you moving and not trapped in place where depression wants you.
* **Positive Reframing.** If I had to mark the point where I really started to fight back against depression it would be when I reframed how I thought about my anhedonia. I found the silver lining to what otherwise felt like an incredibly hopeless situation. Making peace with potentially never being able to obtain happiness again so I could then focus on at least being productive. Like I mentioned before, I became mindful of it almost as a super power. I couldn't do anything to make myself happy so I no longer concerned myself with that. On the flipside I could do incredibly boring but highly productive things seemingly endlessly and not feel any different than doing something I would have otherwise enjoyed. My happiness was no longer in my direct control so I put my attention on what was, and that was productivity. 
* **Smiling.** This last one might sound a little weird, but sometimes its the small and odd things like this that can really help someone. I was doing a lot of outside work during cold winter months and was frequently wearing a facemask. At some point I started just putting an almost loony smile on my face underneath as I worked without fear of looking like a weirdo and without actually feeling happy either. Overtime it did feel as though just doing that would lead to small upticks in mood. Nowhere near happy but it added to the slowly building positive buffer keeping me from sinking back down.
So that's my story when it comes to my depression, from start to end. Doing this has been something I had meant to do for awhile now, as far back as when I was only starting to truly overcome it. Some of the most beneficial things to me during that dark time was reading different perspectives of people whom had faced their depression and come out the other side for the better so it only feels right that I pay it forward now. Anything I've spent thinking about writing this, actually writing this, and shedding tears on this would be immediately worth it if only a single person finds something even marginally useful out of it all. Don't hesitate to comment on this or message me directly if you want to talk. Discussing depression is never going to be a burden to me because I choose not to let it be so. I also encourage others like me, whom have made it out of the tunnel, to share your own experience. Nobody should fight depression alone and I sincerely hope that anyone in that fight right now who reads this realizes even a random internet stranger like me is rallied on your side.",moderate
dev_pid_851,"Awkward mess : Hello fellow depressed people and supporters. I don’t know if the way I experience depression is the same as you all do but here’s what’s got me hating life and wanting to kill myself.... 
I’m 20 years old and in college. I basically uprooted my whole life to come here because I wanted to get away from my family and friends because they didn’t understand me and I just generally felt weird and like I didn’t fit in. Well, big surprise I still feel the exact same here, except worse. On top of that I have lost contact with my dearest friends from high school, my gf broke up with me, and when my family does check in on me its really short and not meaningful at all. 
I just never really connected with anyone including my family and I have always kept this habit of acting like everything is okay because I don’t believe anyone would help me or care if I wasn’t. 
People see me as super friendly and outgoing because I am at first but every time after that I don’t really know how to maintain a friendship and I just don’t trust that anyone would make me a part of their life unless they were forced to. If I were to open up to anyone they would just say something like “wow that sucks.” “It’s crazy you got through all that.” But I really haven’t. 
Any time it’s time to express myself in class by writing a story, making a poem, drawing a picture, or making up a business that solves a problem that I really care about, I get triggered. All I can think about in those situations is my troubled past and I don’t dare bring those experiences up or even allude to them in a classroom setting. And it really sucks because I want to express myself, but when the time comes I just stop myself from presenting because I’m too embarrassed of my life to talk about it. 
I just feel so disconnected from my life day to day. I feel like I’m waiting for my REAL friends to appear, a place where I REALLY feel like I’m home, a passion that I’m ACTUALLY passionate about. I walk around thinking wow, is this really it? 
I just generally feel like my life has slipped through the cracks and who would stop and help someone who has slipped through the cracks unless they were paid to. Who wants that energy around them unless they’re getting paid? 
It’s all in my head and I want to change but I keep coming back to depression and every time I do it feels like this feeling won’t ever go away. I feel like I accidentally fucked my whole life up, and it was supposed to be great, but because I was stubborn, because I hid from my feelings, because I don’t know how to express myself it is a living hell and the fact that I am missing out on a healthy happy life makes me so angry I want to kill myself for being such an idiot and cheating my way out of a wonderful life. 
I know it’s not too late for me... I really want to see a therapist but until then you guys are the best thing I’ve got so thanks for reading if you did. Sorry if this was Ramble-y hopefully someone out there can relate and understand what I mean.",moderate
dev_pid_852,"My depression kills me everyday. I just hope it takes my life away. : To live in constant pain sucks. I barely have any friends who are ""there"" for me. I have generally had a hard life. My father burned my family's for the sake of his own family and his enjoyment. 
I had struggled for a really long time before I met a woman I fell in love with in 2015. I loved her so deeply but she left me after 4 years because I was just the replacement to her ex. She burned me to get back with her ex. My 4 years went down the drain. Everything I thought was true disappeared. People keep leaving me in my life. I am kinda left with no happiness in my life. 
I have no urge to live either but I am living to help my family as they need me. I just hope I get cancer and die sooner. I really don't know how long will I be able to carry on with this pain 😞.",moderate
dev_pid_853,Hey : Fuck I'm super depressed and it doesn't stop I cant get over my shitty X girlfriend. She cheated on me then dumped me. Someone please talk to me,moderate
dev_pid_854,"im going to explode : i feel like ive lost the last person i can open up to by pushing them away. i cant see myself living past 17 and dont know who to tell or how. i just have that feeling, my deadline is 17. i dont care how it happens i just have to be gone before that. i cant see myself in the future and while i may have some happy days i always know its temporary and i still feel my sadness creep back in, which makes me feel so guilty. i dont know how to open up my feelings and feel like i will never have anyone to talk to again.
how do i get out of this hole i dug myself in. i cant see myself in the future but im too scared to try right now. i just want lightning to strike me down.",moderate
dev_pid_855,"What should my goal be if I value nothing? : I’ve been depressed for a long time. I’ve tried to kill myself twice, but I wasn’t trying hard enough. Now I know I can’t willfully die, because of the consequences that befall the people that don’t want me to. I live with the guilt of the pain I’ve caused in trying to take my own life. Being in a position where I don’t want to live, but can’t die is a terrible purgatory. So, to sum it up, I’ve been aimless. 
I tried to figure some short term solutions to this purgatory. At first I figured I wanted to lose my virginity, so I lost weight and I tried to socialize. My efforts are futile. I spent most of high school alone, after depression kicked in. I never learned friendship or love or sex. Aimless.
I felt like a good for nothing freak. So I tried to find a part time job. With enough money saved, I could maybe afford a trip to Pattaya or Amsterdam and pay prostitutes to lose my virginity and teach me how to pleasure. With only insurance bills to pay(I still live with parents), I might be able to do it. After some time working, and thinking, I’ve concluded that by trying to buy prostitutes, I’m putting my desire to feel wanted and sexual above the rights of women not to be trafficked and raped. I can’t in good conscience keep trying to buy my own virginity. Aimless again.
For the past few years, I figured I should try and get a degree. I dropped out of a 4 year university the second time I tried to kill myself, so I enrolled at a community college. I’m finishing an associates degree in architectural engineering this semester (as long as Coronavirus doesn’t delay). But I’ve found that I don’t really care for what I’m learning, and along with that, my degree is useless in actually becoming an architect or civil engineer. So, once again, aimless. 
I don’t know what I should strive for. I don’t have any real goals. I’ve been seeing a therapist recently, but therapy has never really changed the deep down feeling that I’m undesirable, alone, and worthless. I feel like a dead man walking. I wish I was already dead. I wish no one depended on me. I wish no one cared about me. I wish I never existed. Sorry, this started out hopeful, even though I’m tearing up, I still want to leave on a hopeful note.
To any of you: If I value nothing, what should my goal be? What do I aim for next?",moderate
dev_pid_856,"Is it 'safe to assume' that someone who is depressed but going to counseling and on medication is okay? : Meaning that I shouldn't ask or talk about the topic as they seek to improve their condition?
I only ask because I was told about them attending a psychiatrists/therapist (I don't know the difference...?) as well as 
my friend is clincally depressed. She isn't out of work per se but her employer isn't able to pay her considering that she started a new job but she hasn't gotten to even do her first day so she isn't getting paid at all.
She's pulled out loans to help with rent due to the furlough but typically she is hard to reach and we mostly talk via work. I sorta am worried she'll withdraw/isolate and while I feel bad about her situation I fear more about her lack of contact.",moderate
dev_pid_857,"How’s the older crowd dealt with depression for most of their life? : I’ve had depression (anxiety too) for as long as I can remember, 25+ years. Been on and off medication and seen a therapist since I was 18. Been diagnosed and gotten through serval mental disorders. Gone through several types of therapy, hospitalized a couple times, missed out on so much... life.
I have gotten better, but only compared to how I was. As I’ve gotten older I’ve noticed that 15 years of therapy and I’m still severally depressed and struggling. I’ve just learned to function with it and just survive.
How have those that have gone through it most of their life’s keep moving forward when the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t get closer?",moderate
dev_pid_858,"Life, isn’t for everyone : I don’t even know where to begin with this. But just life is a disaster. The mental pain, consumes me everyday. Getting to me. The thought of Chelsea is always there. I gave my all to her, she was always first, I did so much for her, always made sure she was okay..... she never did the same for me, never ever. She was my priority. I gave her so many chances, but she kept destroying those. Made a lot of promises to, to me about how she loved me, wont get with anyone, but still did. Lied to me, destroyed my heart. Going through one of the worst heart breaks ever at the moment. I can’t stop thinking about her. Just the thought of her with someone else kills me inside, I know she doesn’t know this is on my mind. This is all I think about. Doesn’t help that suicide is always there as well. Knowing there’s always another way out helps. “Just overdose...... life doesn’t matter anymore. Life isn’t for everyone”. So many times I nearly have, but backed out at the last second. I really don’t know why, I truely, truely don’t know what’s stopping me still. School found out about all the suicidal shit, called my mum. Told her everything. Had to tell my dad as well. I think they think I’m a danger, school thinks it as well.... school isn’t doing a single thing to help, just put it all on me and my parents. I don’t know how much longer I can take this mental pain. Depression, anxiety. Everything, what’s the point. When all these haunt my body. Everybody thinks I’m happy but I’m not, here is my confession. Still love Chelsea so much, but, don’t think she feels the same. Too caught up in this other guy. I don’t know if she’s gonna message me, I don’t know if I want her to, to be honest. If she does, might just send her this paragraph. She’ll know how I feel. My family life is okay at the moment I guess. I’m just unlucky as hell. Having been sick for so long, got a concussion as well from a friend, all while I found out Chelsea got with someone else. I can’t take this anymore, crying writing this. Savannah, Eva, Nikita, Spencer all worried for me. But I don’t want them to be. I know I’ll be okay in the end. No matter what happens to me. Might go out on my own terms. Depression has destroyed my mental state. I don’t see myself recovering from it ever. Lost so many friends, depended on people too much. Maybe, I was the problem in my last relationship with her. Maybe she didn’t do anything wrong. Was I too dependent on her? Did I try too much? Was I obsessive? I don’t know anymore. Maybe I’ll never find out. “I love you so much. I don’t want anyone else”. “Nooo Joel, I won’t get with someone else in chaing Mai. I love you, and only you”. Hopefully the mental pain stops soon. Don’t think it will. Considering while writing this, just to take my own life tonight, tomorrow, whenever. I don’t even know/care. I have no interest in life anymore. No interest in anything. Just wish I was dead to be honest. Wouldn’t have to deal with all of this mental pain anymore. Wish my family understood how I felt, and just, just let me go. I don’t care if it’s selfish. It’s selfish to give my all to this world and still feel like nothing, still feel like a waste of time, money, space, oxygen. Whatever. Because that’s what I am. I don’t deserve any of this I have. That’s what makes me feel worse as well. Getting what most kids, what most people work their whole life’s for, and still just wanting to be dead. Sometimes I just, I wonder what I’d feel like to be walking to my bus stop and getting hit by a car, a truck, whatever. Just, all the pain. Gone in a split second. Sounds nice, really does. I don’t care what happens to me next, just as long as death happens. I can’t imagine being alive for another, 30, 40 even 50 years. Scares me to think I’m gonna be around for a long time. Going to make sure that doesn’t happen.  Drinking and taking drugs to forget the pain, half the time I can’t get this shit out of my head. Just always drowning in my own thoughts, pain, whatever.",moderate
dev_pid_859,"My personal struggles : I just have to let this out because I never express my feelings. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for some time now. At times it feels like the depression just has a hold on me and it won’t loosen. But I need to escape because I need to live out my dreams. I set gals and dreams that I desperately want to achieve but the depression just holds me back I get lazy and don’t want to leave my bed because it is somewhat of a safe haven. The anxiety makes it even harder for me to deal with. When it comes to dreams my anxiety shoots it down every minute and I just can’t shake it. For me this is all still foreign to me. I don’t know how to deal with it. I wear sweatshirts because they comfort me. I chew gum to help me relax. Sometimes I smoke to help me relax. I want to cuddle to know that someone actually and truly likes and loves me for who I am. I have never been able to find myself again and I’m still lost, lost in my thoughts and lost in this world. Everything is so difficult for me to wrap my head around it. I’m losing myself everyday. I feel like I never fit in and like nobody likes me. At school it may seem like I’m a happy kid who always smiles no matter what. But that’s just because I know what it feels like to go through pain and if my smile helps somebody get through pain throughout that day then I’ll keep smiling. But I still hurt. It may seem like I’m popular at school and everyone knows me but they don’t know the real me that struggles daily.  I have dreams that I want to achieve but can I really achieve them. This world is so big and so large and unpredictable could my dreams that I’ve had for years now be accomplished will all the stars align for me to make this possible. Or will everything that I work towards and want just disappear and I fade into the cold harsh reality that is life. My dreams are the only thing that keep me alive and if I lose that than I honestly have nothing to live for",moderate
dev_pid_860,"I'm trash : My depression is starting to become very bad. I won't talk to people. I can't. It just feels like they won't understand or agree and I'm tired of feeling alone in this world. I hate this world and the people of it. Growing up a a child my mother never asked about my problems or spoke to me about how to fix them.. she would just pray with me or tell me to go pray about it.. that's basically where me being closed off comes from. My girlfriend is getting cold shoulders and basically ignored all day. She talks to me and it's like I can't respond in a bright manner. I hate this shit. I can only assume it's the reflection of self hate and non-existence of my self esteem. My girlfriend compliments me, loves me, supports me, all while she has depression herself. She literally supported me for a year with no job and I can't push past this shit to return the favor? I'm legit trash. I already know and I'm sick of it. Every day I think about just killing myself because I don't believe I'll be able to support myself in the future, keep a job, etc. and I don't want to leave my girlfriend like that. I don't want to do her dirty that way. I don't understand why I'm such a piece of shit. I'm sorry this is everywhere and I don't know if it makes sense but I sat here typing and deleting 10 other posts because Im depressed and anxious. Even now I expect nothing but negative judgement and no one to understand where I'm coming from or how to help me. It's hard not to say a lot when you finally get a chance to be heard..",moderate
dev_pid_861,"I have the least amount of hope I've ever had : I kind of just want to write this out right now because I don't feel like writing it down in my journal and I don't know where else to. 
Basically what the title says. I have never felt so hopeless about everything. the world is such an ugly place and I don't really see anything getting better. if anything, everything just keeps getting worse the longer I'm alive. I have friends but it doesn't always feel like they're there for me in the way I want them to be. I've never been in an actual good relationship that wasn't toxic and detrimental to my wellbeing, I don't even know what that feels like. and when I thought I finally found someone who I could potentially have an actual good relationship with, they fucking turned on me and acted like they never liked me and barely even said goodbye they left in such a haste. im bisexual and nonbinary (afab) and this combination of existing makes life so hard. not because of the identities themselves, but because it's so unbearably obvious how normal being these things are and most people don't understand them or even think that they're made up/for attention and mental illnesses. I don't trust anyone anymore. all I want to do is give love to people and be loved back but no one wants to. all anyone ever does it hurt me and discard me in such cruel, unnecessarily ugly ways. why is it so easy for them to treat me as they do?
it is excruciating beyond words to exist as I do in a world like this. im genuinely not sure how much more of this I can take.",moderate
dev_pid_862,"Imagine being too depressed to go find help : I am not just the depressed clown, I am the depressed circus. Someone please delete me.",moderate
dev_pid_863,"I’m so apathetic, nonchalant, cold and empty. I literally feel nothing. I honestly don’t care about a single thing at all. The only thing I feel is sadness, and that’s only sometimes, sometimes I just feel empty and completely gone. I’ve had such a fucked up life. Fuck. Why? : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_864,"Yesterday I tried to kill myself : I wrote everyone I care about notes, left instructions and also codes for my bank account. Took some pills and went to the bathroom and I cut myself. As I was bleeding I got really scared. I didn't want to die alone or at least not like this. I regretted my decision. I crawled out of the bathroom and had to turn on my phone. Bless the emergency call button. I was already feeling to weak from all the blood loss but I managed to call an ambulance for myself. My friend arrived before the ambulance.  I feel awful that she had to see that. I was taken to the hospital but they didn't keep me there because they have no room. Now I'm staying with my friend somewhere. 
I guess what I'm trying to say is that don't make decisions like that on an impulse. Try to calm down. Take your time!!",moderate
dev_pid_865,"Numbness : Hi, 20[m] here. Does anyone else get this feeling that’s hard to describe? It’s like you’re not happy but you’re not entirely sad either, you’re just...numb? It almost feels like you’re on autopilot. I’ve been struggling with this since I graduated in 2018. Reading books, playing video games, going outside. These are the things that I used to enjoy but now I just don’t really enjoy them anymore. I spend a lot of my time just staring at my computer screen trying to figure out something that’ll entertain me but it’s just the same shit over and over. I keep telling myself that everything will get better but I honestly don’t know where to start. The only time I feel happy is when I’m out with my close friends. I feel like I spend a lot of my time in my head just overthinking shit like my appearance and what others think of me. When I’m out, it feels like it’s all eyes on me. People say that I’m too quiet and monotone. I feel really bad about myself right now and I just want my emotions back. Tired of feeling numb.",moderate
dev_pid_866,"Why does depression have to be so shitty : Depression is so shitty sometimes. Like one moment you can be feeling okay or almost happy, and then BAM out of nowhere you start to feel exhausted and incredibly sad. Like this deep intense depression where you feel like you need to curl up into a little ball and cry. Like the pain is so intense you feel like nothing can take it away and you just wish you didn't feel that way anymore. It's honestly so horrible. I just wish it didn't creep up out of nowhere on me and effect me like this. It's one of the worst feelings in the world and when I think about others who are less fortunate than me, I feel even shittier and hate myself even more for even having depression and wasting so much time feeling this way. I just wish I wasn't like this. I wish the depression would just fuck off and go away and leave me alone. I just want to be normal and contribute to society and not take things for granted but depression just likes to slowly sweep over me and completely blindside me and make me feel like shit. It makes me feel like I'm a terrible person for even feeling this way at all when there are other people out there that expereince much worse than me. I wish I could just get better. I feel like crying right now. :(",moderate
dev_pid_867,"Has there been a moment where you looked in the mirror and felt like you're just like an empty shell? : When I was so exhausted and depressed that I looked in the mirror and really surprised when my reflection was nothing but a body knows how to move. Empty and lifeless. 
Those times I was scared.",moderate
dev_pid_868,"Depressed Mind Garbage : My life has no meaning. I can't stop looking at porn. I'll never be able to quit. I'll never get married. Nobody will love me. I'm not good at anything. I highly doubt life is worth continuing. The world is going to shit with climate change, and people will always try to control my life and tell me what to do. Fuck em. I'm too tired and depressed to organize my thoughts I'm not writing a god-damn essay.",moderate
dev_pid_869,"Everything is falling apart : I’m losing everything dear to me. I can’t stand hurting every day like this. I’m desperate for help. I don’t wanna go on anymore! I’ve been crying for two weeks straight and the future looks about the same as today. Nothing is appealing to me anymore. None of my hobbies or my job are fun anymore. All I want to do is lay down and do nothing. The one person who made me feel special and whole and happy, even if we did have some shitty times in between, he makes me feel alive! And I’m losing him. He doesn’t want to leave but it’s inevitable. The fucking universe has decided that we can’t be together anymore and he’ll be states away and won’t be able to contact me and I’ll be losing not just my boyfriend but my best friend. I’ll have no one else to enjoy the things I do with, not on the same level as he and I do. I feel so lost. I would give anything to not feel like this anymore. 6 years we’ve been together and it all feels like it was leading up to a giant slap in the face. I guess we all have to learn eventually that we will be alone. We will die alone and wanting more and it sucks.",moderate
dev_pid_870,"Man... it’s getting bad... : Note I Had to coup with depression since I was 14... but now it’s getting bad... and I’m not depressed for just myself this time... I’m getting worse because this situation here in Vegas is bad... I had to say goodbye to a lot of people here at work. They all got laid off.. hundreds of people without a job; tears of single mothers worrying about putting food on the table... I hope things improve fast... I’m surprised I’m on of the luck ones that still as a job, for now... but can’t get a wink of sleep thinking about them and the future of mine... I wanna help but how can I??? I’m honestly I person that doesn’t need a job as much as they do... I’m grateful but feel like shit... even if I lost my job along with them; I’ll still feel that way... I wake up every morning not wanting to be there but now I’m like “FUCK!”",moderate
dev_pid_871,"Im sick of people telling me I’m not trying, I am. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not happening. : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_872,"Holy shit I’m not antisocial my brain just doesn’t want to experience emotional trauma anymore : For the last year I’ve had zero interest in social interaction and avoided making friends in college. Whenever I did make friends with somebody I just ended up ghosting them out of “lack of interest”. I’ve been sitting here pb&j in hand thinking about that shit and it hit me. 
I’m not bored of people, I’m fuckin scared. I’m scared I’ll make the wrong joke and get blocked. I’m scared I’ll catch feelings. I’m scared I’ll just be annoying or boring or a disappointment. I’m scared of letting people in just for them to laugh at my insecurities with their real friend group. 
I’m not the kind of person who builds walls to keep people out. I just run to avoid getting attached to people altogether.",moderate
dev_pid_873,"I think it’s time : I’ve been struggling for a while now. Although daily achievements are made sometimes, I feel like I’m gradually just sinking deeper into this void. I’m not sad anymore, just tired. I really don’t see it getting any better. I know the future holds promising things for me ( I’m a Med student) but nothing is guaranteed, and even then this crippling pain makes a career seem insignificant. I have family, some good friends, who I love dearly and who have been so supportive. I’m aware I shut them out. I don’t want them to feel what I do, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. My husband left on vacation for a few days and I think now is the time to do the deed.",moderate
dev_pid_874,"One of the most painful things is witnessing people who have hurt me, even damaged me permanently, live their best life while I am miserable and afraid. : I can't sleep. I can barely think sometimes. I don't know who I am and I don't know how to be better. My mother's ex husband, who I still have nightmares about 25+ years later, is enjoying his life. He never thinks about me, but every night I see his face.
My parents, who never even acknowledge me anymore live every day happy as can be without me, the living culmination of all of their mistakes, with their families. Even though I dread loving everyone for what they have done, the heart is always reaching for that feeling like I need to belong somewhere. But I do not fit. I am piece from a different puzzle. I am an alien. And while everyone happily moves on without me, I am stuck here where I am the only one suffering for what they have done. They all have wonderful lives that I cannot be a part of. They all have life figured out, like everything wonderful was handed to them.  I am uglier, poorer, sadder, and more lost every day than the one before. 
It isn't fair to be the damaged one. I'm not supposed to be the one that still suffers. I feel so much pain... 
I worry that God has failed me by rewarding monsters. This suffering has me convinced. I don't belong anywhere but hell. Why was I ever born?",moderate
dev_pid_875,"Nothingness : Just venting here I guess. 
I don’t feel like I’m ever really going to amount to anything. I have many things I want to do, but I have absolutely zero patience for any of it. Books, tv, playing instruments, drawing, painting, learning new things, relationships... I just don’t have it in me to take the time to develop things. I’ll carry books around with me that I want to read, but my brain just goes, if we can’t pretty much absorb all the wisdom from this book through osmosis, then fuck it. I’ll read a little bit. Maybe get to page 80. But it’s difficult and 9/10 times I get bored and stop reading it. I feel no connection to tv at all, it’s just staring at a screen watching the screen flash and people interacting and talking. But I have no idea what’s going on and I couldn’t care less to know. They might as well be speaking a different language. Even when I get the rare desire to draw, in the end it doesn’t really feel rewarding. More like, that looks cool. Glad that’s finally done. I don’t want to take the time to learn the basics of anything, I want to learn Beethoven before the nursery rhymes. I wanted to teach myself Calculus before I made it to Algebra 2. I get frustrated with uncertainty that is involved in relationships and end up cutting people off. I know it takes time to develop a friendship, but in my mind I’m already on level 10 before we’ve even gotten to know each other, and you’re in all likelihood not. Then I feel like I’m swimming in an ocean rather than a pool, with no shore in sight, it feels pointless and I just want to throw it all away. Idk. Everything bores me. I just want to hit fast-forward on everything. Nothing really feels rewarding. 
So I just kinda sit here like a zombie on my phone, rereading old texts, looking at old pictures, looking at memes, mindless stuff. Getting nothing done. It feels like my head empties out more and more. I don’t see how this is ever gonna change. It’s like I’m in a vacuum.",moderate
dev_pid_876,I feel like I’ve lost myself as a person. My stride is no longer the same. I don’t smile or laugh the way I used too. Most days I’d rather be alone than see anyone. I feel like such a burden I get scared to ask questions on reddit and other social media’s because the fear of. People talking badly : Behind a screen is what keeps me up at night. I’m a guy and I live in a dog eat dog typa town. So I mainly just drink or smoke away my pain and act like I have none but I don’t know what to do anymore,moderate
dev_pid_877,"help : hello person
I am a father of three young children.  My eldest son is six, has severe asd, along with my sister in law with praeder willie syndrome, my sister and her two kids came from an abusive relationship, all under my care and home.
Rewind six months ago I lost my job.  I am a programmer.  It hit us hard.  My mom tried taking her life at that time... spiraled me downward.
Fast forward to today and I am waiting to start a new job which I just accepted.... but I am going to now lose my home and I cannot afford my utilities.  We are screwed.
How do I manage to get through this? I can't bare it.
there's a lot I've skipped over but I cant sleep... I haven't eaten in weeks... well I've has ramen...
my life sucks just wanted to tell somebody
thanks for reading",moderate
dev_pid_878,"Can't ride this wave : Having a wave of shit again, and I can't think of any good reason to stay afloat. What's a good reason to live?",moderate
dev_pid_879,"I am scared of depression : I have been feeling lately bery depressed but not suicidal thoughts just like i am alone and nobody likes me and my friends dont understand me 
I dont have anyone to vent to and its getting tough plz help",moderate
dev_pid_880,"I know how I’m going to die : If I don’t die in an accident, I know I’m going to kill myself. I don’t know when, but I know that’s how my life will end. Maybe it’ll be soon, maybe it’ll be in 20 years but I can’t do this forever. 
It’s not really about when it gets too hard to keep going, it already feels that way. Once my fear of death is overcome by my urge to kill myself, that’s when it’ll happen. 
I just want to want to be alive :(",moderate
dev_pid_881,"Checkmate of depression : It’s been awhile since I felt depressed but I can feel it creeping back in. 
All my life I knew I was going to be focused on career instead of family and I still feel that way but honestly I’ve grown to hate my career. Thing is I don’t know what I want to do instead.
Well, actually I do but I’m not ever going to be physically able to do it and while my current job is related to my degree and dream job I just don’t enjoy it and the pay just isn’t enough to be a thriving single person.
I just don’t know where to go from here. I hate searching for jobs, I hate filling out resumes and I hate the idea of going back to school again (haven’t paid off the first degree or the semester of law school I had before I failed out). I have some money but I have to live with my parents or I’d have to get a place with 4 other people and I’m just not social enough for that.
Ugh it just feels like I’m stuck with no way out and nothing to distract me from how sad my life is right now.",moderate
dev_pid_882,Afraid it will fail : I just want to kill myself but I'm afraid of it failing and having to deal with the people that find me or hear about it.,moderate
dev_pid_883,"How do you guys keep going? : I keep seeing posts on here and other related subreddits saying stuff like ""I'm leaving this subreddit now because I'm no longer depressed! Good luck to all of you!"" 
Can't help but feel like they're lying to be honest, for me at least it feels completely hopeless and pointless. Even if I do end up getting better at putting up with life I'll still be a useless, miserable waste of life til the day I either day naturally or by my own hand. 
It's all so hopeless, like being stuck at the bottom of a well with no way to climb back out.",moderate
dev_pid_884,"Every time I feel like my life is getting better it immediately gets worse : It almost feels like the universe is punishing me for feeling happy (or less depressed rather). Every single time something good happened in recent years it was followed by something bad that negates the good thing. Like say I got what I wanted, but hold on, wait a couple of days and this will be taken from me, or something unrelated happens.
Maybe it’s an actual thing - the universe wants to balance itself, so for every good thing you get a bad one? In any case, this makes me very scared to feel happy or glad in general. I’m afraid that if I feel happy, the universe will know and will make something happen that would cancel the good thing out. It sucks so much. There are countless special examples that I could give, but it happens every time without a fail. 
Clearly this doesn’t do anything good for my mental health. I struggle a lot as it is, but when good things are taken away, there’s nothing left. Just a hole. I just think ‘well, what did you expect? You can’t have a good life, you can’t have good things, just admit it and stop trying’. I’m suicidal and it makes me even more so. It has been very difficult to stop myself from taking actions to try and kms when life just throws this stuff at me continuously.
Thanks for reading. If anyone has noticed or experienced something similar, please share, I’d really appreciate it.",moderate
dev_pid_885,"I've forgotten how it feels to be happy. : I don't even remember what I'm fighting for, life has lost all meaning now.",moderate
dev_pid_886,Just using this for a vent if that's ok : So recently I thought ive been doing better with my depression but the last few days I just feel so fucking alone like I have family and a couple friends but I just feel like there is no one I can talk like no one actually gets me and then I get annoyed with myself cause this is what's bothering me when other people have actually difficult problems in their life,moderate
dev_pid_887,"Running out of steam. Again. : The very act of trying to stay positive and motivated to fight back the consequences of a 5 year long awful period drains all energy. There's very little energy and time left to do something actually productive which ends up fueling even more problems. I have so little left to make up for the lost time, fallen so far behind everyone else that it's starting to derail whatever progress I made in the last 2-3 months.
Add to that constant thoughts of self-criticism, 'what life could've been if I was not a piece of shit' and things start looking all grim again.",moderate
dev_pid_888,"All I can do is think about my past. : I’ve tried getting help. The more I think about my past, the more guilty I become of the things I could have done to prevent it from happening. I’m tired of feeling like shit. I just want to be happy again. Most of my nights are spent crying asking why I was chosen to suffer. I’m only 16. This is just too much to handle. I’m afraid that one day my depression and thoughts will win and I’ll do something stupid.",moderate
dev_pid_889,"Venting a bit, very long : Not really sure how to start this, so I guess I’ll just get into it. Also possibly trigger warning? I feel like it may be unnecessary on a sub like this, but I feel a need to say it with what I’ll get into.
Side note, pretty much all of my way of writing is through online messages, so I my sentences may be a bit run on at times or seem to end in strange places, and have just general bad grammar.
Can anyone else not imagine getting older at all? I’m honestly a pretty young person, just turning 20 a few months ago, and I cannot see myself getting to age 40 at all, hardly even to 30. Even if I try to imagine my life being the best it could be, I can’t see myself living a good life until my 30’s, 40’s, and especially not older. I don’t even really know what my best life is either, I hardly have any will to do pretty much anything now, and anytime I attempt to do something I want to try, I mess it up and feel worse than if I did nothing at all.  
I don’t even feel any fear about dying, the only things I’m scared of are the possible pain, and being sad about the small amount of people who care about me. Which I find pretty stupid since why do I care, I’ll be dead anyways. But I do and the pain and few people I have are pretty much the sole reason for me to stay alive, which I hate since that’s a terrible thing to do to someone. I can’t just hold onto people who care about me to keep me alive for my entire life. Because they won’t be here forever, especially with the way I treat them by being like this. And at the rate that I’m going, I’m not even sure if I’ll fear the pain anymore with how bad I feel, there comes a point where the mental pain is bad enough to outweigh any physical pain. I’m even kind of getting there now, I don’t really get VERY sick, but any time I do get sick I highly prefer that to any of the mental things I go though.  
I started a medication a few weeks ago, and I’m not sure if it’s just because I can’t handle things well and haven’t had to deal with real side effects in my life so far, but it went **bad** for me. I was pretty tired the morning I took it since I was up all night, after sleeping the day before, so I fell asleep about an hour after I took it. But 3 hours later I woke up in my bed, feeling extremely dizzy just lying down, then I got up and rushed to the bathroom and puked, and I never puke. (The last time I did was probably 5 years ago when I made the mistake of choosing to sit up when I had blood drawn, making me lightheaded and eventually throw up.) And through the rest of the day it was a little difficult to breathe for nearly the entire day, yawning making me unable to breathe at all for around a second, deep breaths too. My face, hands, and feet got very pale during the first few hours after I woke up too, along with random sweating at times. A few other regular physical side effects, and that was that entire day. But still that day I would rate as infinitely better than any of my bad depression days, some days I even have the urge to take one again just for the hell of it. And after that experience, I think that I’m completely done with these medications for depression. This is the third I’ve taken and after 2 previous ones which did absolutely nothing for me, neither regular effects nor side effects, then this, I’m done with them.  
I feel like therapy and counselling also can’t help me at all, I’m just not in a mental position for it to do anything of meaning at all. I need things to actually happen, not to sit in a room with someone I don’t even know while they tell me things to do which I don’t feel a will to do at all. I’d need something big to happen to shock me out of this hole I’m in, give me any sort of reason to go on with things. And the weird thing is is I’m not all doom and gloom about everything, I’m not some, “nothing matters, what’s the point of anything, everything’s going to go away anyways” I’m just like, “Okay, and?” about that kind of stuff, I feel no dread or hopelessness about it. I’m a weird person with that, it’s like I’m almost at the point of being content in life, yet at the same time I’m almost at the point of ending everything due to how terrible I feel.
School for me was pretty much terrible, I don’t remember much about the first few years, but up until around grade 4 I had a few people you could kind of call friends, but even by that point the amount was dwindling. Then I changed schools in grade 5 because we moved, and I did not make a single friend at that school, I hadn’t at my old one since grade 2 either. I did have a neighbour whose house I went to a lot, but honestly, it was all to play games at his house since all we had was a PS2 with a couple games and an N64 with a few games, with a crap computer and absolutely terrible internet. Meanwhile he had a PS3, and a computer that could run games I couldn’t imagine my computer running, so of course I went over there to play games. At school I would spend recess literally just standing or sitting at a wall because I didn’t have a single person I could even call an acquaintance. It got to a point where in grade 7 the teacher told me I could just stay inside for recess, and in grade 8 too after a few weeks. Grade 8 I would probably say is the last good year of my life, I was still very sad a lot of the time, but compared to now I was the cheeriest person on the planet. High school is when shit really hit the fan for me though, I never showed up, I probably missed around a fifth of the days, I missed many many days in school before that, it kept getting progressively worse since grade 4. Grade 9 was probably the weirdest year there, I got much worse than how I was the previous year but I wasn’t anywhere as near as bad as after that. But after 9 things went downhill real fast, grade 10 I failed nearly half of my classes, but due to the way high schools work here I went on to grade 11, but I needed to get those grade 10 credits before I could graduate, and grade 11 I failed *every single class I took* there was not a single credit I gained that year, then I went on to grade 12, which I hardly even had any grade 12 classes for, then I went back for another year, and another year. And by that point I was 18, so I didn’t need to even get all of those credits anymore, all I needed was 7 specific ones from grade 12 to graduate, so I haven’t even properly completed high school like the regular kids. The school never punished me for missing as much as I did either, which certainly set me up for failure with how I view working in my life.
And I get that I’m just a whiny baby but I cannot think of a single job that I would do and not feel terrible doing. I hear people say, “but when you start making money that’ll get you to do it, so you can do the things you want to do.” but I don’t want to do anything. Having a job to make money would do what? Even if I had something I wanted to do, the amount of stress I’d feel every day from it, making me depressed and anxious constantly would put me in no position to want to do them. And I can’t just “get a job in something I like”, I’m hardly interested in anything in the first place and if I did any of them as an actual job I would almost instantly start to despise it because adding the needs of a job to something I like would make it like anything else. All this makes me feel even worse because what gives me the right to feel like this over something as simple as a job, nearly every single other person has to deal with this shit and just does it, even if it stresses them out they trudge on with it and just do it. But here I am sitting on my ass feeling bad because what, life is stressful? Tough shit, it is for everyone else too, why should I feel like this.
Not to mention that I’m trans, even if I sorted every single other thing in my life out, there’s that too, and there’s nothing you can do to get rid of that. And maybe I could have not been if my childhood had been different. I also grew up mostly without a dad, he was in my life for the first few years, but not long enough to form memories, then he came back for around 2 years, but one day just left out of the blue, not a single person knew where he went. So all I’ve had around for most of my life was my mom, she didn’t get with any other guy either so it was just her, me and my brother, who I have a pretty tenuous relationship with. I’d say after my dad left we were solidly lower-middle class, things were pretty hard since my mom got laid-off her job after 20 years when the place closed down, which was not long before he left us. Around age 5, (my dad was gone at that time) my mom dropped me off with someone to babysit me, I remember her being around her late teens or something, I don’t remember much because I was 5. But I do remember that she made me finger her, you know. Even now in text it’s hard for me to say it. But that moment is the most clear memory of my life, especially that far back, I remember the room, what she was wearing, and how confused, weird and awkward I felt from it. When my mom came to pick me up from there I told her and she went livid, rightfully so. I haven’t told her I remember so I think she might just think I forgot about it, but I certainly have not. My mom was also so giving to me too, but I wouldn’t say overprotective because she never kept me from doing things, she just let me do whatever, even when doing whatever was the last thing I needed. You need to discipline your kids, not too much but you need to. I only remember being spanked a few times in my childhood, I don’t even remember what for, my mom once did the classic soap in mouth for swearing, and that got me to never swear in my life until age 11, not so much as a shit or ass left my mouth. But that’s it, I never had chores as a kid, I never had an enforced sleep time, though I did often sleep at the right time at a younger age, but the older I got the later I stayed awake. She never grounded me, never took away anything when I misbehaved, she let me just eat whatever I wanted, which led to me getting very overweight, I’ve gotten less so but, I still am. At this point it’s nothing to do with her anymore, I’m an adult I should get my own shit in check but I just don’t. I get why did this though, it’s just her, since the man she was with for over 20 years and had 2 kids with left without a word, not wanting to be bad to your kids. But there is a difference from treating your kids badly and giving them discipline and teaching them manners.
I often wonder if it’s because of all these things that I am trans, maybe I had a certain predisposition to being this way, then with a mom who gave too much, no dad, and being technically molested at around 5 years old, that it made me this way.
I feel like my childhood was average, or even better than most in this part of the world, but then I think about how things were, and think, ""well pretty sure that's not a normal thing"" yet I still continue to tell myself it was since my mom was nice to me, probably too much.
This is probably entirely word vomit and I don’t know if I made much sense here, just jumping all over the place, but just need to vent this somewhere, I already make my friends deal with me enough to drop more conversations like this on them. There’s probably more that I’m not writing about here, but this is long enough and I’ve spent more than 2 hours to try figure out what to write and how to make this as possible to understand as it can be. I did fail pretty much every single English class after all.
I don't expect anyone to help with this, and I probably won't respond to things if someone does, but I will certainly read every comment that is made on this. And if anyone actually read all this, I don't know why you chose to spend your time reading all this, but props to you.",moderate
dev_pid_890,"Was planning to get help, but now the quarantine happened : Had depression for quite a long time, but it's worsening significantly now and i was just about to get help.  
But the quarantine happened, so going outside is a no-go.  
Online therapy costs a shitton.  
I don't think i'll be able to last all of those weeks, and none of my friends seem to be able to help me.  
Help.",moderate
dev_pid_891,"Graduated uni only to sink into crippling depression : A little while before graduation I got ill and by graduation I became very ill. To cut it short, something as simple as having a meal turned into a struggle for me. I no longer feel as if I can still enjoy the basic joys of human existence. I think the feelings of weakness and disappointment triggered this depression. When I graduated, I felt so lost and out of place, I have no idea where to go from here and this is very devastating to me since I am something of an overachiever and a perfectionist. I feel like I have to do something useful and productive in my life (like everyone else) but I have no idea what to do nor do I feel like I want to do anything.
Now, I'm in a rut. Seriously considering suicide (I've been depressed a lot before but I never contemplated suicide as realistically as I am doing now) since my health is only deteriorating and my future doesn't look too promising, I feel that there is no point in continuing. I know there are people who have it much worse and still - somehow - manage to pull through, but this is me, I've reached my limit (or so I seem to think) I have no one to reach out to, I don't have many friends and to be honest, I find it really difficult to explain this to my friend even though I know she'd understand but what's the point? I don't want someone to try and cheer me up or tell me this is just phase that will end soon. It does not feel like a phase and I am afraid for myself because I've never felt so bleak and so low.",moderate
dev_pid_892,"Make it stop : Od has never been so tempting. Dead on the inside, might as well make it a full house. I can't do it. I can't stop crying. Why does everyone leave me, no answers no closure. Just me and my dark thoughts.",moderate
dev_pid_893,"Chronic Loneliness : Over the years, I’ve kind of lost touch with people. I stopped caring about making friends and spent all of my time at home. I didn’t want to be let down by people, or backstabbed. And I certainly didn’t want to deal with fake people and be hurt again by friends I thought I had.
Now, as a senior in high school, I’ve been experiencing such horrible loneliness these past couple of years. I present myself as someone who prefers to be alone and a pure introvert to people, but deep down, I sometimes want close friends. Or at least someone who would come around more frequently and check in. Someone who I have a close, pure connection with.
I do have one best friend, but they are often too busy to chat long with me. I haven’t spoken to them in a few months and it hurts (they’re out of state). Then, there’s people at my school who I can never grow close to or trust.
And that’s what sucks, I have such bad trust issues and it’s so hard for me to open up to people. I’ve tried before in the past, but I end up regretting it when they clearly show they aren’t interested in helping or have better things to do.
Well, I don’t want to make friends now. Not when the school year is so short and I don’t plan on going to college, so I don’t believe that I’ll even have the time to have a good friend. I’m told I need to reach out and try making friends, but I simply can’t. I suck at socializing and these walls haven’t broken down in forever.
Im at such a loss. Figured I’d come on here and hear some thoughts.
Anyways, that’s where my life’s at right now.",moderate
dev_pid_894,Planning suicide again : Planning to end it. I have nothing else to try. I’m so fucking done. So so done.,moderate
dev_pid_895,"I'm in a deep, dark and horrible depressive state right now. I'm scared. : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_896,I've cried and yelled and tried to explain my feelings to others constantly for years. Now I can't be bothered to do that anymore. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_897,"No Motivation : I just don’t see my future anymore. 
I spent two years saving up for a few months of solo travel before settling down with my fiancé of 9 years.
Only three weeks into the trip my fiancé passed away suddenly. Then my dog got cancer and had to be put down.
I lost everything and I just don’t know what to look forward to anymore. I used to look forward to our lives together. Now I’m so empty and no one understands because most widows are elderly, not 25. My visa is expiring, I haven’t been able to hold a job, and now there’s corona virus so I can’t travel again. 
I’m just home with an empty bed and my mom says get over it and stop being lazy.",moderate
dev_pid_898,"I can’t do this anymore. : 21 years and I’m still a fucking wreck. Doesn’t matter what I do, what I say, or how I act... no one ever loves me or accepts me. I’m a waste of oxygen.
The biggest issue is Anything involving socializing. Grew up homeschooled so my social skills are extremely poor and I have social anxiety. I never know what to say and its making things very hard. 
My personality is hidden underneath tons and tons of anxiety. I’ve had glimpses of my true personality and it’s something that I’m actually proud of, but it’s rare when I’m anxiety free and I can see that side of me.  
I have no funny stories, achievements, hobbies, talents, my childhood was very boring and I just don’t relate to people my age. I’m lonely as hell and that’s why I want to die. I can’t maintain friendships or relationships very long. I don’t know how to deepen them so they fade away into irrelevancy. People get bored. Without people, life isn’t worth living and this is something I just can’t seem to get over. 
After a rough night with my thoughts I woke up this morning more suicidal than ever and I’m afraid I actually might do it this time.",moderate
dev_pid_899,I’m dying : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_900,"I cant do it any more, I need some help : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_901,"I'm sick of people trying to give me false hope : We all know how this is going to end.
I can sense when you don't really mean what you're saying. 
Why even bother? You tell me to talk more and when I do, things are made worse.
You said it yourself, you've got enough to deal with. That's the whole reason I never talk in the first place, everyone has their own issues to deal with and they don't need me adding to them. 
What's the point of carrying on when there's no hope left? I might as well just get it over with, I don't want to exist anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_902,"Can't cope with this anymore : Nothing feels right and I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing makes me feel alive anymore. I just recently broke up with the person who I wanted to spend my life with. He left me. Before he left me I was already in a dark place but now I'm alone as well. I've fallen back into unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've had meaningless sex, resorted to drinking. I've seriously contemplated self harming again (I used to have a severe issue with it but have been clean for years.). I've even contemplated suicide. I feel like I don't deserve to be alive. The world would be better without me. I feel so guilty about meaningless sex, it eats me up inside and I hate myself for it. I fucking hate myself for it. I try to stop but it doesn't work. I think I have a serious issue as using sex as a coping mechanism and i hate myself for it. Last time I used it as a coping mechanism I was sexually assaulted a few times. Now I want to stop but the last time I felt this horrible was after I was assaulted. I want all this to end. I can't fucking live like this anymore",moderate
dev_pid_903,"Crying and sleeping : They're the only two things I do anymore. There's stuff I need to do but just... can't. Like getting up to feed myself is a herculean task. And my family looks down on me because my ""reason"" for being depressed is stupid and I should get over it. I just... can't.",moderate
dev_pid_904,"From one of the other : I've gone from suicidal thoughts to emptiness, and numbness for myself. No interest in my hobbies or reading, just want to lie in bed, sleep and watch cartoons and not taking my antidepressants. The only things I'm not feeling numb about are my family and a someone who means a lot to me. I don't know anymore",moderate
dev_pid_905,"can anobody help ? : i have been struggling with mental inlesses for quite a while now , i still have some friends left from the old time , or do i. i've been suspecting  this for a while but i think i'm sure now , besides depression, anxiety and heavy introvertism , i now to top this all of  like a fucking cherry on the cream , i'm also a paranoic. i didnt realise this until a week ago, but now that i know it , paranoia has been there with me for more than a year i think. Every time i come home and nobody is there , i always have a feeling like someone is hiding in my home for ex. a burglar . Every fucking time i have to check the whole house , all of the pottencial hiding spots , becouse if i don't , it hounts me for the whole day , and its so fucking unbareble. That's not even the worst thing. I have a bunch of friends that i've know forat least 5 years. It's quite ironic actually , i'm unable to feel anything for 3-4 years now , i still have feelings of emptieness and sadness from time to time, nothing more. i wasnt noticing the paranoia , even though for 2 years i was feeling left out and excluded for that gruop of friends. i ve felt as if they didn't like me or even hate me but still act like i was their friend and everything would be alright. i mean they had like those meetings , and they didn't say anything about them to me despite me being a part of their group. i've never felt worse suspecting or knowing that my only friends were secretly hating me for 3-4 years , i do not know why are they doing it , but god fucking damn it why won't they admit that they dont want me as a part of the group and put me out of my fucking misery , which is so fucking horrible to live with everyday . i just want to know one thing, WHY  ?!?! the worst thing is that i can just confront them and say ""why do you act like everything is ok even though you all hate me ?"" and turn out to be some fucking mentally ill retard out of nowhere , or i can live with and bare the pain every fucking day. is anyone able to help me with that ? i thought of going to a psychologist , but every time i am trying to plan it i feel like im only overexaggerateing things and turning all my plans down. please if you know a method that could help or something that can end my misery , please help me",moderate
dev_pid_906,"just laughed out lout uncontrollable out of pure hopelessness : why would i bother writing a perfect text if im the only mofo out there who listens?
no job, no personality, no emotions, no deep relationship with a woman that i can love, care about, talk to, kiss, help, protect etc etc etc 
 all my life is made out of darkness, ignorance, bullying, isolation, emptiness (way beyond dead inside, but who the fuck cares anyway haha, i love life its so fkn amazing, you know?? ALL THOSE BEAUTIFUL THINGS IN LIFE OH YES THOSE POSITIVE FEELINGS I LOVE IT I FEEL SO ALIVE
Severe alcohol poisoning and this time (YES its not my first attempt, check my history, or not because yall hate me anyways and i understand that, really) i will fucking drink three bottles of red wine, that should do the trick, i am a hopeless sack of shit that shouldt even bother all of you perfect happy individuals. by god, if my body doesnt die in this attempt, i will legit take my parents car and speed against a concrete wall >:^(",moderate
dev_pid_907,Help me : I can't find a way out of this hell hole. It always comes back to haunt me. I fucking hate my family,moderate
dev_pid_908,"I’ve lost my way in life. : For some context. At the end of 2018 my 4 year relationship had unfortunately ended abruptly as I was in the process of moving out to my own place. Emotionally confused and damaged. I had a toxic rebound relationship and within a couple of weeks of that I had a seizure and was diagnosed with epilepsy.
For most of 2019 I have been working on myself, getting therapy, going away on vacation on my own. and generally trying to better my life. Which has worked to an extent.
As of now I’ve hit a slump and have no idea what to do. I feel like I’m just wondering aimlessly through the doors at the Monsters Inc factory. with no purpose.
I feel absolutely lost, lonely and down in the dumps. For example, it takes a huge amount of mental effort to wash up or to put my clothes in the washing machine. Everything is a mess. It’s even difficult to be honest with my therapist because I’d rather swallow my misery.",moderate
dev_pid_909,"I think I have aspergers but nobody believes me : I’ve only seen three therapists and two psychiatrists in my life. 
All of them keep diagnosing me with “anxiety”...
I can see why. I guess I’m fairly anxious. But honestly, 
I AM SO DEPRESSED. The depression is absolutely profound. And more than that... 
I’m pretty sure I have aspergers.
It is so hard for me to socialize. And this is where my dispute of the “anxiety” diagnosis comes in- honestly, I wouldn’t say I’m really that anxious. Big crowds don’t scare me, neither do strangers. 
But I am so bad at social interaction. I really don’t know why but it seems like whenever I join a new circle, there’s some woman who hates me and starts spreading rumors about me. For some reason, this actually only started happening when I was about 17; in elementary, middle and early high school, I always had a few close friends, and was like on good terms with everyone else- I wasn’t super popular, but everything was great. I had my friends and I was never bullied or anything...
My junior/senior year of high school, things started to get a little weird. My friends were still loyal, but I would just catch weird, hateful glances from girls I didn’t even know.
In pretty much every work environment, I was just hated. It was always women who hated me, but- 
People say that women are more sensitive and relational or whatever. That aspergers is like, a “male” brain?
I took an AP Statistics class my junior year of high school, and as a project I actually compared index:ring finger ratios to behavior. So if you haven’t heard about this, if you have a longer index finger it’s a sign of being exposed to more estrogen in the womb, a longer ring finger is indicative of more testosterone 
And interestingly it correlates with spatial vs verbal reasoning. And actually “verbal reasoning” encompasses algebra interestingly. People with comparatively long index fingers scored higher on algebraic tests, people with longer ring fingers did better on spatial 
ANYWAY I have a long index finger and do terribly spatially. So I’m really not very “male-typical”. I actually could have told you that; I’m not competitive or aggressive at all either.
So anyway- 
I don’t think my problem is that I’m not “female” enough, but for some reason I just keep getting these girls that fucking hate me and I don’t ever know what I did to deserve it. 
I wonder if you can have a very “female” brain but still have aspergers? Cuz I think I do. 
I am super awkward but I also present as someone who is...idk, I try to wear cute clothes and I have my sister help me pick them out. I don’t think I look too out of place 
But for some reason I just keep getting targeted. Again this didn’t happen til like my junior/senior year of high school
I’m becoming an alcoholic because of this. I know I should focus on the people who like me but this vitriol is confusing to me
I’m thinking I’m naive or stupid or immature or something and I can’t perceive what’s really happening or what I’m doing wrong 
I haven’t had this issue with men at all
But like I’m 26 and for almost a decade I’ve had all these women just detest me and I feel like I’m doing something offensive without realizing it",moderate
dev_pid_910,"Have nothing to look forward to anymore. What now? : I just needed to get this off my chest somewhere because I feel like if I told anyone I know personally they'd laugh and call me pathetic or something. My depression used to be pretty unbearable, but one piece of advice that helped me a little was to focus on an event in the future and let that excitement keep you going. Now I'm starting to see the flaws with that advice. 
I'm not too concerned about the virus that's been going around up until recently, but thanks to it everything I've been looking forward to is being canceled. The things that keep my going are just over, now what? I had an art show I was going to present my art at but it's cancelled after I spent so much money to get stuff made. Big events in the coming months I was excited for are just canceled with no word about postponement or any future dates. It really feels like I'm just floating in the water aimlessly.
I know this sounds incredibly pathetic but this was like my coping mechanism, and while it wasn't perfect it helped me at least stay on track a little. I'm out of excitement, I'm out of luck, I'm out of money. I dunno what to do now. Just rot away until this all blows over I guess, but it feels agonizing I'm not going to lie. Every day feels like a millennium as everything around me has grinder to a halt.",moderate
dev_pid_911,"I take a drive or go to my office; but I still end up going back to my room. : I isolate myself. I just can’t really stand being outside anymore: paranoid, anxious, depressed. That’s who I am now. Almost a year ago, I lost all confidence and courage to go outside. I lost my girlfriend. My love. My entire life. My life now consists of smoking weed, and crying. I can’t find a different job, and I can’t be genuinely happy. No matter what I try... I miss the life I had. Being happy, being next to someone who loved me (or who I thought loved me). Now, I’m just a sad human being... that’s all I will be... I don’t see it getting any better.",moderate
dev_pid_912,Is there any brazillians here? : Is there any one from brazil here? or  anyone willing to travel to brazil?  I will pay R$3000 for someone to kill me,moderate
dev_pid_913,I cant do this anymore : I'm at my limit I have been happy in months i haven't gotten enjoyment from anything I used to like to do i can barely do anything my meds dont help nothing has helped in the slightest I'm just so tired of haveing panic attacks everyday and being sad I just can't take it anymore,moderate
dev_pid_914,"I can't do this... : So lately, everyone's been so happy and celebrating the fact school's out. And me? I've been unusually aggressive and emotional these past few days. I'm avoiding my family as much as I can. All I wanna do is go out with few of my friends, but parents won't let me out cause of the virus. I'm crying at least half of the day, every day. The reason? My ex. I can't get over the fact I can't see him. We've broken up three months ago, were friends for awhile, then I started ignoring him. He still snaps me sometimes, though. In school, chances that we'll bump into each other were small, but the idea of it still kept me going. I really don't know why I still love him, but I can't get over it. I've tried everything, literally. Even found a new bf who is somewhat perfect, loves me and treats me perfectly, but I can't get over it. I told my ex I've never been happier, while in reality, I barely get out of bed, have sleep, drink water or eat. And it's getting worse with alcohol and drug abuse. I can't get over it... And the fact that he maybe, just maybe still loves me and the arguments behind it that my friend said to me just haunt me to the bone. My parents aren't making it easier, either. They've never treated me worse. I can't talk to anyone about this because I feel like I've smothered them enough. But this isn't me anymore. At one point, I had everything I've ever wanted, then he left me and bad luck kept following me from there, taking absolutely everything. What do I do? How do I wake myself up? I'm not far from suicide. The only person who could change my mind is him, but I'm not in the position to talk to him.",moderate
dev_pid_915,"motivation & art, with depression : hm kinda unsure rn bc i’ve never posted to reddit before, but i’ve heard sometimes this place can help ? & i have something important, to me at least, basically i’ve always wondered how artists who speak about having depression or just are depressed in general somehow still make art & release music/create things etc., i can def understand that creating art can be a healthy release of negative emotions therefore making it logical to want to create when depressed instead of spiraling into other unhealthy/destructive options, but for me at least, my depression causes me to be extremely unmotivated, on top of alcohol it’s obviously a combination to not do anything productive, a lot of times it’s hard to find the motivation to do regular day to day things yknow ? yet i feel like i’ve seen a lot of depressed artists still somehow have the drive to create & idk how that works, as someone who’s made music my whole life i want to at least try to learn how ? bc ik when i make art is when i feel the best & most fulfilled, but it’s just so hard to even find the motivation to get out of bed, or not have my inspiration killed by 10 hour work days every weekday, so i just wonder if anyone knows any tips on how to be inspired to at least try to create art while depressed ?
i can understand if this is maybe something w no direct answer tho, hope ya’ll doin okay out there",moderate
dev_pid_916,I want to disappear and never be thought of again. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_917,"I don’t know where to start : I’ve never been this bad I’m starting to accept the possibility that I’m depressed 
It feels like the last 4 years are crashing onto me 
I have rape trauma, I ran myself into a gang banger who got me into drugs and addicted to meth all because I thought he made me feel safe and then dropped out of college, he stole thousands of dollars from me and cheated on me. I’ve been 1 year sober since then. My insecurities and anxiety have skyrocketed. Since then I’ve fallen in love to a good man and gotten married and I have A 2 month old daughter now. But he is in the military and away until a good couple months from now, I very often feel I’m not good enough I’m in disgust with myself physically from before for features and flaws I could never change and even more now after pregnancy and fear all the time he will leave me for someone better or leave me because I’m never happy. 
I’ve lost all interests In everything I used to love and have just outgrown them. I have no time to even play games, and live an hour away from all my friends so no one comes to visit, I talk to no one every day and I can’t leave the house with a baby so young. 
I’m stuck with my own thoughts and judgements 24/7 I can’t do anything but overthink or just think about how awful I feel about myself or how sad I am all the time. 
It’s really hard for me to not talk to my husband about how awful I feel especially because he is my best friend. But I feel like he probably doesn’t talk to me much because I’m just so sad all the time. I don’t know what else to talk about other than how awful I feel and I’m so afraid he will leave me for being like this. I’m afraid of everything I’ve ever feared with being not good enough and I don’t even love myself. 
Every day is so much harder and I don’t know how to make myself feel better in the slightest. If I hold in talking to my husband I feel awful and I just want him to know how I feel but when I tell him all these things I know he feels hopeless and it gets old very fast. 
I can’t get therapy now because I currently live with my parents until I’m reunited with my
Husband. My parents are not mental health friendly and if I tell them anything or even try to talk about any of these things they tell me I’m being dramatic and shouldn’t fee this way or suck it up. If I get therapy which I have in the past for my trauma, I get very much ridiculed on a daily basis for it which just makes everything so much harder.
I’m going crazy not being able to talk to anyone everyday or feel good. All I do is watch tv or browse social media in between taking care of my daughter. And fake nice interactions with my parents. 
I have no hobbies anymore and if I did Id hardly even have time for it 
I really don’t know what to do or where to start
Please I want help i can’t wait until months from now for things to be a little better because I’d be with my husband or to seek help 
I have a routine to keep up with hygiene I brush my teeth every day, skin care, shower and get dressed but All the empty space in between everything and my thoughts just make every single day so heavy and dreadful to get through 
What do I do please what do I do I need something",moderate
dev_pid_918,"Fucking life man! Ugh! Why does it have to be so hard?? : I feel like I’m always coming here to rant but I feel like I have no one to talk to most of the time and it’s hard. :(
So tonight my boyfriend and I had plans (since like four days ago) to meet up at my place to discuss some things and spend some time together. Lately we had some serious problems and we are thinking about breaking up. Also lately I’ve been really down, like not going out, not even getting out of bed and doing nothing all day down. I’m also really stressed out about the coronavirus. 
So his friends made some plans to meet up today at a friend’s place and he said we should go together etc and I said well you know that’s impossible, I can’t hang out and especially with your friends because I don’t feel comfortable around them I don’t know them well and I can’t tell them about my situation. But I said you should go if you feel like you need to spend time with your friends and you want to hang out. And well I said that because it was the right thing to do but he actually went and I feel so fucking alone. 
I ruin everything, I can’t even go and hang out at a friend’s house and have fun. Hell, I can’t even get out of the house. I haven’t seen anyone for a week now and before that day it was like another two weeks. I just want some company. And he is the only one right now who knows what I’m going through so none of my friends are like you know what if you don’t want to go out I’ll come to your place because they don’t know I want to go out but I can’t so they just thing I want to stay in and do nothing about it. Of course it’s my mistake because I don’t tell them what’s going on and how I feel but fuuuckk I feel so alone. My eyes are so red I’m sick of crying ugh why is it so difficult to talk? I just wish at least one person would understand that I need some pushing right now, someone to be here without me asking them to.. it’s so hard and it sucks because I have no one to blame but myself uugh",moderate
dev_pid_919,"Not eating : I don’t think I have an eating disorder, but when my depressive episodes get bad the first thing i stop doing is eating. and brushing my teeth. just because i can’t bring myself to get out of bed. can’t bring myself to care either. just want to sleep, maybe forever.",moderate
dev_pid_920,I wish I just died : no suicide just a fatal virus or something like that I can't deal with this anymore,moderate
dev_pid_921,"Young, military aviator : Hello, so some quick perspective. I’m a young military officer going through undergraduate pilot training. I’m nearly through (graduate in July I believe), but I have never been so unhappy in my life. I feel like none of the choices I’ve made were my own, like all were ends to means. 
Examples:
I wouldn’t have gone to college if I didn’t have the military scholarship.
I couldn’t choose my major, activities because of this.
I didn’t necessarily have to apply for pilot, but it was 
heavily expected of my family/father.
All in all it feels as though I’m scraping/bleeding/clawing for a future that I haven’t actualized for myself yet. On top of this commitment and displacement inherent in the job, my fiancé left me. “I offer the nuclear family idea”, “I love you but I can’t follow you around “ is on full repeat. My friends and loved ones don’t understand what I do and leave when it’s convenient. 
I don’t want to hurt myself, I don’t want a dishonorable discharge, I want to be happy, I want to serve. However everything about my position is take, take, take. I have less and less to give and I’m exhausted. It has me thinking dark thoughts and questioning my value and role in this. I feel like I’ve lost everyone and myself in the process. 
I’ve taken ample steps for mental health. I was wondering if anyone on this page has had similar experiences due to job commitment and has useful coping mechanisms. I’m going to need them, I have a 10 year commitment.",moderate
dev_pid_922,"i hate my life, because of my dad : lately i am not myself anymore, i can't seem to laugh, or find things fun to do 
my dad was kicked out by my mom when i was 15 monhts, 
because he was using drugs and it was alying around in house that is obviously dangerous for us
but my mom warned him a couple times that if she find it around the house she will kick him out so she did
but now i am 17 and he never tried to get in contact me and everyday i am asking myself
\- what is wrong with me
\- what did i do
\- why did you leave
\-why don't you want me
it leaves me thinking everynight sometimes its suicde, i never did it because i can't do it tomy little sister who is just 1 year old i can't do it because everytime she sees me she gets enthusastic
so i cut myself as a alternitve but i am feeling weaker everyday",moderate
dev_pid_923,I don’t know how to be any happy : I have tried everything to be happy so people could like me but nothing works out and i am again at 0 friends last friend i had killed herself 2 weeks ago,moderate
dev_pid_924,I feel nothing anymore : Being a human is supposed to have emotions and feelings but I don't feel anymore and everyday it is going worse.i know it's kind a stupid to write here.you can't help me about it.i just want I can feel joy and hate and sadness about somebody maybe.without this I am like a zombie.and such alone.how I d be like a person I don't know.my emotions like cutting,moderate
dev_pid_925,"I think I have depression but I’m scared that I’m just giving self-pity. : All I feel nowadays is pain, extreme sadness or nothingness. I’m not sure if what I’m having are mental breakdowns- I might be overreacting. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep thinking about all the negatives in my life. To counter that I tried coming up with a list of the things that give me pleasure in my life- I’m not going to specify what’s on there but it’s very small. Furthermore, my parents are strict in my home, shouting all the time and telling me I need to work and improve my grades.  Whenever I’m not working, I’m literally finding any form of luxury to do before I’m asked to do something again. I can never fully relax at home. Whenever I’m being shouted at, I cannot talk back to my parents otherwise I’m treated as the brattiest kid they’ve witnessed. This has caused me to become extremely introverted, shy and has given me a “You’re-better-of-just-shutting-up” mindset which brings me on to school. 
I’ve made multiple friends in my school, unintentionally. I’m very quiet and don’t really feel comfortable around them? I get a really bad feeling (mentally) around them as if they’re all out to get me. I feel as if I’m just an inconvenience when I’m around many; I go silent, sweat quite a bit and will eventually just drift away from the group. I assume that’s just what the life of a general “introvert” is like. I can’t speak to anyone since I don’t trust anyone, I feel like I don’t exist around the majority people in my life. I feel like my life is just hard work, no joy, pain and suffering. I feel like my friends are fake. I feel like my parents don’t honestly think about how I feel or even care. I feel demotivated. I feel constantly tired. 
Just thought I’d vent here. I repeat, I may be exaggerating the problems of my life but I need others’ views on this. Do I have depression? I can’t really speak to anyone about this since I’m seen as one of the happiest people in others’ eyes, my parents are strong christians and so I don’t believe they’ll understand how I can possibly feel this way, as if they raised me wrong. Sorry if this all seems quite sloppily written, I’m just venting. What are your takes?",moderate
dev_pid_926,"i want to tell my parents (long story short, i cant) : im fucking done (f, 15) im not even diagnosed or anything, and maybe im just telling myself that im depressed. maybe its fake. whatever it is, i want it to be gone. i want to want good grades. i want to want to try. i want to not look forward to the day i die. (knowing that i cant go through committing) i want to want to stop cutting. i want to stop being bitter and angry. i want to stop saying im fine. but i cant. i cant get help. my parents dont think about mental health. they'll blame it on my sleep schedule, or my phone. theyll just take my stuff and say that when i actually go out and experience stuff i'll be okay. my phones the only thing that makes me feel like im not alone. i have friends, i just dont like to bother them. im so fucking done.",moderate
dev_pid_927,"I feel like a robot. Like literally everything is painted on. : I feel like a sociopath. I only display emotion when I'm around people. I bend my face and my displayed mood to whatever the scenery is, like a fuckibg chameleon. I'm in total apathy for the whole day, except when I lie awake for hours in darkness, and then, the only thing I really feel is sadness and nostalgia and anger and fear.
Fuck me.",moderate
dev_pid_928,"Being told it's not real : 2 years ago our school had us tested for risk of depression and suicidal tendencies. I was on the list of vulnerable people. My parents ignored it and just asked me if I was fine and moved on. 2 years later and I feel effing horrible, and now I wonder if that test was actually accurate. But most of my life people around me have said that depression isn't real and that these kind of quizzes are useless. Gotta love people",moderate
dev_pid_929,"I truly do hate myself. :  I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks about stuff that I’ve done that was trashy and disgusting. I’ve also been having dreams of stuff I wish I had such as friends and girlfriends. I also felt like I was not physically strong and the fact that I’m ugly. I hate my school life as it’s boring and not cool. I’ve been wanting to program and draw and stuff but I can’t. I feel lazy and idk why,I wish I was like normal people because I’m dumb. My acquaintance told me that she had a 9th grade level of reading in 1st grade I think,I dunno details are fuzzy. That just made me feel extremely unmotivated and ashamed of myself. I couldn’t form sentences at a young age and yet this girl can read at a higher age. I’m wanting to become something in my life,make my own theme park,make and develop video games,draw and color things at an professional mode,do all of the cool vfx/sfx stuff,animate and make animated movies and just normal movies and also make my own figures and franchises. I wish I had the skill and talent to do these things but unfortunately I can’t. I truly wish I could go to paradise but myself says no,I hate it because I want to end it.",moderate
dev_pid_930,"Feeling strange : Feel overly energetic after a long period of depression. So Iv been depressed since a young age but only now Iv started to get help, found the perfect medication and theyr working. I feel randomly energetic, almost like I am on drugs but also paranoid. This has happened before without being medicated for depression so Im unsure what to make of it. Has anyone else ever experinced this?
I left it short because Im worried people wont read, if you need any more details feel free to ask.",moderate
dev_pid_931,"I'm always just so....lonely. : I thought I got over my terrible experiences during my senior year of high school but I saw a picture from a high school friend that I recently reconnected with on his Instagram and it was a picture of a senior bonfire event that literally every one of my friends was at and none of them invited me. I know it's a dumb thing to cry about, but it just reminded me that I was, still am, and will always be alone. No one will love me or care for me. I hate myself so goddamn much.",moderate
dev_pid_932,I’m so tired of feel like this everyday : Everyday I live with constant anxiety and depression and I feel like it’s ruining my relationships. I always talk to people about it but It happens everyday and I’m tired of feeling like a downer and making them sad and feeling like I’m ruining there day. I’m so exhausted and tired of being so depressed and I’m scared I’m gonna end my life soon bht I’m scared to do it. If I don’t do it anytime soon I know I’ll end up doing it eventually. I know that’s how I’ll die. I don’t think I’ll ever get better. I also started cutting myself again and I’ve started burning myself. I feel like I’m choking and drowning. Please I don’t know what to do. I hate being like this all the time and feeling like such a burden,moderate
dev_pid_933,Another spiral : Here we go again. I was doing good for a month or two. Working out. Eating right. Doing shit. Learning stuff. And now it’s just all falling apart again. I can’t keep consistent habits. Everything seems dull again. Games. Food. Colors. People. All just dull and gray. And the person I want to talk to the most doesn’t want to talk to me. So there is that. I just keep waking up each day wondering when this will just all end. Or am I supposed to go 40+ years just being miserable,moderate
dev_pid_934,"So much is wrong : I'm just typing this all out here cause I don't want to bother my friends and just wanna let this out.
I'm not going to bore you'll with the details but the past 3 years have been tough for me and when I got into uni I really believed that things would change or did I falsely believe in that notion idk but 2 week's ago I had a mental breakdown at a party and it's something I've been dealing with for the past 3 years and like all through out the next couple of days I was just like fuck this wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't want to show this fucked side of me, wanted to hide it so nobody knew but that failed and like the people who saw me crying asked me days after I was after and I just felt so shit. Idek what to do and this is only one thing.
Two I hate seeing people in love. All the relationships I've had have been fucked with my first gf cheating on me, my second gf breaking up with me cause her ex was upset and my third gf breaking up with me cause of my mental health which was really bad and tbh I don't hate for doing what she did. After everything that's happened and how each of those relationships have fucked my mind up I just don't like seeing people in love cause all my mind tells me is love isn't for you, it will just go soon as it comes into your life. You won't find someone. Ik it's not the case but when I see my friends with their significant others it just fucks me up and I just feel low at that point and I hate it.
Thirdly I feel lonely as fuck especially in uni. I'm not in uni now as I came back to my home country cause of the virus but while I was in uni I felt fucking lonely and that might have been a factor why I broke down but fuck it's just lonely. I have no support system like I have back home. I have friends but it's more like I'm an outsider cause they have their own social media groups and stuff and idk it just genuinely feels like I have no one at all and it sucks so fucking much but its how it is and I just hope that as the months go on things will change but I just don't know. 
Last thing idek why but I think I have feelings for my best friend. Bit of context I liked her and I started speaking to her and we became really friendly and when I told her that I liked her she told me she didn't feel the same way and I dealt with it cause I had made an amazing fucking friend and I wasn't going to let something like this ruin what had come into my life. Well couple of months have passed and I think I like her again and idk why. Like she's my best friend and I love her with all my heart. She's helped me through my mental struggles, she gets me, understands me and what's more she is the best person ik but ik she won't like me back and I thought I got over this and like it's fucking with my head. Cause tbh if I could date her ik she'd be the one I would wanna end up with hands down but like idk this is all fucked. I might just be feeling like this cause I'm lonely or I might actually like her. Fuck idk I don't even know why this is happening.
That's it. I'm sorry this is long and I apologize. If no one reads this cause it's long I understand. If there are people thank you for taking the time and effort to read this",moderate
dev_pid_935,"I try to get better... : Idk if porn addiction is really considered a bad addiction -- it does *really* physically affect you (without a doubt psychologically)-- but in trying to quit, today I feel so sad. I was hanging out with my family and we got into a heated argument. Now my sister won't talk to me. My family is worried about me because of the dark circles under my eyes but the overcompensation of constantly surrounding me is unrelenting. I  just want to lay in my room alone. Any time I am with people, I just feel so apart. At least I won't relapse though; I  just don't have enough energy.",moderate
dev_pid_936,"Do you feel everyone is better than you? : I was happy about getting a job at a website, but the thing is, everyone is better than me despite telling me that I'm better in other things. I was avoiding remembering the past, but it got me. And no, no need to tell me to forget the past, it's repeating itself..... Also, the thing with how people love their work and I don't even get a shit. irritates me. Well, it's been like this since I was born. Life hits with '' everyone is better than you no matter what effort you do, you'll always be 0 ''
f\*\*\* this crap.",moderate
dev_pid_937,"If you had the option to die would you? : There is a button. If you press it you end your life. This process is painless and your family/friends will not feel any sorrow or pain.
Do you press the button?
I would.",moderate
dev_pid_938,"Lack of motivation : I see a lot of posts from people who are like me and lack motivation to shower, brush teeth/hair, etc. I was just wondering for if anyone had some advice to gain motivation. I would like to get rid of my acne and I have bought skin care products but I can’t get myself to actually use and wash my face. I’ve tried writing a schedule down or even a journal but those haven’t worked for me. Any advice would help really, I’m quite desperate.",moderate
dev_pid_939,"Depression getting worse : As the title says depression is getting much worse, I've all of the sudden got flashbacks when my ex assaulted me and I had a break down. I wanted to relapse on self harm but I didn't, rn I'm with someone so amazing but I can't help but feel like something is missing it may be that I want someone to be gentle with me right now I'm not sure. I don't want them to feel less or that they aren't trying in the relationship, I hate feeling this way. He is super understanding of my depression tho, idk what to do regarding my feelings.",moderate
dev_pid_940,"Dealing with 'sadness' : I've been struggling with sadness since forever. I never had a friend irl. I've only had small social interactions such as talking to a few people at school or going with someone to the cinema. Those interactions end quickly as I realise that the only person who cares is me. Nobody really ever cared about whether they're talking to me or not. Even at home, my sister never talks to me. I'm trying to show that I'm not so happy, but nobody cares. My parents ask me to ask my sister how is she doing if they see she's sad, but it's never been the other way around. All the people I know online are also slowly drifting away since I keep becoming more sad and I talk to them rarely. I had a girlfriend once. It was a random desperate to have a boyfriend type of girl that some people brought to the cinema. Our 'relationship' was empty and lasted roughly 2 months. I didn't take her seriously, she was immature, didn't understand that I'm not extroverted. I didn't care that much when she broke up with me. I tried finding friends online. Even though they were nice to me, offered me to move to them when I finish school so I can have friends, but as I mentioned they never really talk to me first and they began to drift away, because one of them has a girlfriend now. I tried finding a better girlfriend by using tinder (yeah, I know that it was a mistake), but noticed that girls don't talk to guys first. I realised that dating apps are something not for me since I can't begin a conversation. I also realised that I'm not sure whether having a girlfriend would be good for me since I envy them more than I'm into them. That's another thing that makes me sad. It's something commonly described as 'gender dysphoria'. I feel like I don't relate to men and my goals differ. I've decided that I'm not gonna change my gender or anything. It would be a nightmare process. My family would hate me, I wouldn't have any money for that, I wouldn't be even able to go to a therapist since I'm so anxious about going there. I sort of accepted that this thing is gonna make me sad until the end of my life. I also have 0 plans about my future. I'm 18, I'm graduating high school in one year (I'm european so the system is different here) and yet I have 0 hobbies, 0 things I'm good at, 0 social skills or whatever + I'm really anxious about that. The only thing that sometimes makes me happy is alcohol. It may sound like a bad addiction or something, I actually have no issues with it. It just makes me happier and It doesn't bring any negative consequences. There's more to my story, but I'm gonna end it here. I just felt like venting today, because I've never done that before. Also sorry for any grammar mistakes, English is my 2nd language and I'm too lazy to check if everything is correct.",moderate
dev_pid_941,"Nothing brings joy : Life is joyless. Even things I used to enjoy at my most basic. I don't even watch tv shows or movies anymore....
The thought of even sitting through something new or familiar is just plain blah...
No matter how much I try to rationalize logically how it might, or even will, be interesting or bring some kind of emotion change in the right direction I just don't find the drive to.
I've been reduced to sleeping and watching a string of incoherent youtube videos just to have random sensory stimulation going on... as sort of a way to ""sleep while awake""... it's dull, makes time fly, and distracts from the reality of, well, reality.
I used to get joy from video games... now I can't get past the menu screen before being completely turn off from playing. A sort of disgust... like what's the point?
Nothing brings joy when you're alone and forgotten.",moderate
dev_pid_942,"Depression and insanity : I think that I hate so much the people around me. And I am very happy with the virus and I hope every one will die but I wasn't like this 2 or 3  years ago. I was funny I was going out with friends I was happy but then I started thinking about depression and to kill my self but now I get over this and I just hate every one and the strange thing is  that no one have ever treat me bad or something. 
I am the only one that think he is going crazy? (And I am very bad in English)",moderate
dev_pid_943,"My (Male, 22) depression : So for a while now, people in my life have been calling me useless, worthless, a nobody and a failure. I go through depression everyday that it is starting to physical hurt if I am having a very bad day. I have been told that I do not have a reason to be depressed cause I'm not homeless, physical abuse and not dying. I just don't know how to feel anymore? I can't find a job and I'm actually starting to feel useless cause I'm not that smart.",moderate
dev_pid_944,I haven’t showered in like 10 days! : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_945,"I can't feel happiness, I'm actually fucked : Got sent to the fucking hospital for suicidal thoughts because mental health helpline are dick heads.
Anyway, hospital is useless of couse so send me to the child mental health service in my country.
I go for a meeting, they ask some questions and say they'll find something, all sounding pretty good.
Turns out that was for nothing, because I have to apply online for stuff, despite the fact they asked me for a meeting and despite the fact that they said they were looking for someone.
I'm not even wasting my time on them, if they're that fucking useless that they can't get something basic like that right, then I have no reason to believe they can help what seems to be an impossible issue.
So I go online, surely someone must know who to solve not being able to feel good emotions? Well looking at a WHO report they suggest anti-depressants, which I can't get, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which is literally just thinking about problems, well for one that's not going to fucking hell being unable to feel happiness, and for two I already analyse my thoughts because I'm a rational fucking person who is capable of basic thought.
So what the fuck do I do? The services are fucking useless, the suggestions by WHO are either useless or I can't do, why try? I'm sick of charlatans who are completely inept at their job trying to tell me that things will get better, because they don't seem to be able to and nobody can give me any fucking solutions, why live?",moderate
dev_pid_946,Being with my family constantly because of Covid 19. : When my school sent out the email that we were shutting down this month I was so excited. I was happy that I wouldn’t have to face people or try to get out of bed and stress about homework or being a failure. But that also means that I have to be with my family constantly and I forgot how much I hated it. I forgot that even though I hate school it’s still a distraction from how depressed I really am. I lay in bed for so long and hate myself for being lazy. And then all day I lay around being lazy  and not wanting to do anything and hating myself more. Then I go downstairs for food or something and all my parents do is insult me. I seriously can’t do this anymore how do I do this. I hate being at school and feeling like a failure feeling like a burden to my friends and I hate being home and feeling like a burden to my family. The only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because I’m a coward. I just don’t know how to handle this.,moderate
dev_pid_947,"Recurring Thoughts : 
Once, i thought i’m strong
I never realized
Keeping myself together
Would be the hardest thing ever
That loving myself
Would be so confusing
Painful and saddening
I’m too drained just by trying
Awareness is such a cruel thing
Once have it
There’s no escaping
How do i stop crying
They said in the end i’ll see the light
But... is it even worth the fight
Should fight for the sake of fighting
But i feel like i’m so done trying",moderate
dev_pid_948,"i think i’ll be gone in the next few weeks. : I’m so tired of fucking everything. i hate this shit. i wanna get it over with and just end it, it’ll make everything so much easier. i’ve been thinking about what i’m gonna write on the note. i’m over feeling like this.",moderate
dev_pid_949,Why do I have to keep pussying out : Every night I sit here crying being desperate to kill myself. Why can't I just stop being a pussy and go through with it. What's the use crying every night when it takes 2 seconds to put a stop to it. Why do I have to be such a bitch,moderate
dev_pid_950,"Progress? : I’ve been pretty depressed and having nightmares on top of my already existing problems. Today I did some gardening and got a shower after I realized that I can change the way my day goes even at 5 pm. Not actually feeling better, but kind of feeling like I turned my day around.",moderate
dev_pid_951,"Sleep is all I want to do : I sleep at night, then have sleeping fits all throughout the day. Can't wait until my country goes into quaratine so I can sleep all the time at home.
Sleeping is the only nice thing I can do (masturbating and using social media is somewhat nice too, but not being awake is much better).
I have a lot of stuff to do, but I just can't find the courage to start them and go take a nap instead.
I don't know what to do. Help.",moderate
dev_pid_952,I want to give up on myself and my depression recovery due to the spread of the Coronavirus... : Although I have not once panicked about the rising cases of the Coronavirus that is being spread across the globe it has me worried but in a different way then most people might be worried. I'm worried that by having the Coronavirus being spread out like it is my years of depression recovery has now been rendered useless. It was all for nothing. While I'm still suffering severe depression I have been taking my meds daily for months now and have been working out at the YMCA to motivate myself for better mental health wanting to finally choose life. I also have social anxiety which means I need to be outside a lot more just for exposure therapy which also has been working so I can be less fearful of the public. But now the Coronavirus is in my state of Minnesota and while I'm not worried about getting affected I am worried that seeking recovery from depression would in the end just become pointless if I do get it. Hell I don't even need the virus to believe that I need to end my journey towards recovery as the affects are already happening. Schools and stores are already closing so should I just accept the fact that I will not overcome my depression as only worst things will continue to happen to me to prevent any mental health progress from happening?,moderate
dev_pid_953,help me! : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_954,"The time my aunt encouraged me to commit suicide : I'm a first timer so apologies for any mistakes I make a mistake in this post.
For years now I have suffered from what I believe to be clinical depression. As a kid I never really felt happy and after my dad died it only got worse. This is largely in part a result of the way my aunt/uncle/cousins treated me. One of the examples that never ceases to haunt me is an incident that occurred when I was eleven. At this point I hadn't seen my dad in quite a while as he lived in Mississippi while I live in Texas (It's a long story that I wont get into today). At the time i was feeling depressed at the time as I honestly felt that no one cared about me or what I had to say. I was raised with the idea that doing something ""for attention"" was something to be frowned upon. Despite this however I was desperate to know that someone was listening, that someone cared. It was at this point that I started talking about suicide as I felt if anyone was listening they would want to know and understand why. I was **wrong**. after discovering how I was talking my aunt proceeded to take me to her house, where she screamed and yelled at me for quite some time about how she was going to ""put the fear of god into me"". It was after this that she decided to get a kitchen knife from the (knife) block, claiming that it would be the easiest way to do it. She then attempted to give me the knife while  saying that I was ""just doing it for attention"" and that if I actually going to do it to do it, as she would sit back and watch. I'll never understand why she felt it necessary to do this to an eleven year old boy.
If you've gotten this far I'd like to thank you for reading my post, I can post about some of the other times if you'd like.",moderate
dev_pid_955,"Has anyone here had their life completely turned around? : I'm currently struggling a ridiculous amount. 
I was depressed before all of these things started happening, so my depression definitely isn't circumstantial. However I just genuinely feel like I'm stuck in a rut and things keep getting worse and worse and more problems keep popping up and making it so much harder for me to even want to continue. 
I don't have suicidal tendencies but my current situation makes me worry I will if I don't get out of this situation. 
Has anyone here been stuck in a similar situation and had their life completely turned around for the good? 
Maybe share your stories? It could really help people see what they can do! Myself included 🙂",moderate
dev_pid_956,"It's suffocating : I've been living with my panic attack since I was a child. I can't think straight when things get too overwhelm. I oftenly run from the problem and as a child, i'll hide behind my parent. Now I'm 21 y/o and I becoming a president in an active club. For the past 6 months, i have done so many mistakes that made the ppl in the club and advisor mad at me. It so stressing me out. I've told them that i can't lead because i've my own issues, but they keep pushing me to accept it. Every day is a torture to me. I try to make things better but it there will always be problems and mistakes. I cry so many times during this tenure, and I can't hold it back anymore. What should I do?",moderate
dev_pid_957,"I don’t know what to feel : A few minutes ago, I was on the verge of a break down and played some sad songs to just try and let it all out. All of a sudden, I can’t feel anything. I can’t cry...all I “feel” is confusion and anger and I don’t know what to do with this “feeling”. The music is not speaking to me...it legit feels like nothing can please me at the moment but I want to feel better but I can’t. I don’t know how to explain this. 
I think I’m tired. My body is done and just angry at life now? Ugh. Idk Why can’t this world end already! I’m tired of these “ups” and downs.",moderate
dev_pid_958,"i dont know anymore : i cant tell if im depressed or just sad. i have everything i need, a family, supportive people, a roof, a bed... but recently i have no will to get out of bed and i have been taking way to many naps. and i have no motivation to go outside, do my favorite hobbies, hang out with friends, or even talk to them. i am stuck in my room and when i try to go out i end up going back inside and staying in my room all day. i never told anyone because people are going to think im just whoring for attention. so i keep it to myself. i really dont know what im doing with my life, at points i had suicidal thoughts but what makes no sense is that i havent been through the struggle that other people have been through. i dont know what it is at this point and im not and will never open up to somebody... this is really unhealthy, taking naps everyday, for more than 3 hours constantly. i want to have a good future but at this point i cant even see myself doing anything with my life after highschool. anyone else experience stuff like this?",moderate
dev_pid_959,"The only place i could think to put this : I'm not old at all, so it makes sense as tow hy I dont know any of this but I just wanted to see if anyone knew anything about what I'm like.
I've also never really done anything like this,, venting in general not just online. Basically im sorry if this is all over the place and the quesrions are dumb
I dont really feel happy or sad, just sort of empty. I can pretend to be happy throughout the day but as soon as I get home, nothing. Absolutely nothing. 
I also dont outright love anything or hate anything, most of its just neutral. I just do those things to pass time and get through the day and onto the next. 
I haven't really spoken to anyone about this mainly because it doesn't seem like depression and honestly others have it worse, so I just tend to live with I suppose. I've tried to reaching out to friends but I immediately get dismissive because I feel needy and stupid. I'm a mess.
I think about suicide, I've written notes and I think about how I might do it. 
All of my opinions on things are just neutral. It's like I dont love or like anything. This can spread from music, to shows, to even my family and friends.
Theres nothing I love, everything is sort of just there in my life, and I assume things will just be filtered out until the next batch of things in my life come in and I just find them neutral as well.
I'm not a fan of any sort of sexual stuff. The only reason I want to have sex is so I dont feel like I'm falling behind or different from others. 
Everytime I've gone out with someone the furthest I will go is just kissing them on the check because I guess I just dont like kissing. 
I just feel so alone and awkward when texting or talking to my friends about my problems, so they just tend to fester. I don't talk to anyone, I dont go out, i just stay in my room anytime I'm free.
However, I did try going on friday but I was so socially exhausted (even after doing nothing) I just left without saying goodbye. They walked off one way and i just slid off to another path and went home. Is that weird? 
Like I said I'm sorry of the random assortment of paragraphs of my problems and short anecdotes. I just had to say something even if it was on reddit.",moderate
dev_pid_960,"Suicide V2K : I've been targeted with electronic harassment technologies for going on two years. They refer to it as 'V2K'. It's a 24/7 'chat bot' that basically tortures your mind until you commit suicide.
Well low and behold, here I am considering taking my life due to the sheer pressure of this torture. I'm at the absolute end with all of this and wanted to reach out to see if there is possibly a solution for this.",moderate
dev_pid_961,"I tried. : I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I guess I just needed it to be out there somewhere. 
I tried so hard. I tried to be normal and productive and healthy, but I can’t even complete basic tasks without a meltdown these days. All I do is upset everyone around me, cry and sleep. 
I tried. I’m so tired but I did try. Even if it seemed like I wasn’t trying. I was. 
I think I’m going to end it tonight. I think that’s best.",moderate
dev_pid_962,"I thought I had this under control : I thought I had a plan to make it through the rest of the semester. I felt ok about the future. Then I heard my school was situation would change due to the virus. That was stressful, but I thought I could manage it because it was just temporary and I could still stay on campus part time because I had labs, and deal with the lack of structure by asking other students to “attend” classes online with me in the lounge, and maybe pick up extra shifts at work and see my boyfriend more the rest of the week when I was at home. 
But now I am being kicked out the rest of the semester and my life seems to have fallen apart. I just feel so lost and angry. I do not even remember the last time I felt so awful. I know I am going to fall apart without the structure. My boyfriend says he can’t see me because his dad has cancer. My work is inevitably going to shut down. I am going to fail all my online classes (if I’m not expelled for emailing fuck you to the chancellor twice). I have no other close friends. My dad and sister have just screamed at me. I could stay at my moms house with my other sister, but my mother is mentally unstable herself. They are already fed up with me for basically having to drag me from my dorm room yesterday (and I still have to go back to pack more). I have felt like crying 24/7 for the past 48 hours. I know this is just temporary but I am not strong enough. I’m selfish, I know this is for public health or whatever, but I just don’t really care. Honestly at least getting the virus would be more interesting than the catatonic depression I am inevitably going to regress to. I don’t even have any desire to live right now. It’s not like I am equipped to handle this world. I was foolish to think otherwise.",moderate
dev_pid_963,"Anxiety directly impacts my depression : I know this isn’t unusual but my suicidal thoughts seem to spawn directly after I get anxious over something. This whole coronavirus thing has temporarily paused me going to class in real life, I was supposed to do a lot in terms of figuring out what I would do for the summer and fall semesters and needed to talk to professors about what to do and now I can’t really talk to them face to face. That has a domino effect on me and now I’m like well I’m just going to drop out and not do my work and I should just end it. Like whenever something is slightly inconvenient that’s what my mind goes too. I guess in general life just makes me extremely anxious. Like lately I’ve been thinking what the hell am I going to do. Who am I going to be. Who am I going to end up with? What if I end up alone? I don’t even want kids anymore so now what... there’s just so much that my brain has a hard time dealing with I guess.",moderate
dev_pid_964,"Idk : I hate when ppl say that I can talk to them,’and they never answer. I hate having ocd, anxiety, adhd, migraines, ibs, and now depression. I never asked for this shit. It’s my senior year and I’m suffering everyday and I haven’t had a full day of happiness in months. I just don’t know what to do. Nothing gets better. I wanna be with the girl I like but I have lost every ounce of confidence I have. No one gets me. My friends who do care about me think that I’m fine, and I don’t wanna tell people I’m not. Idk what to do. I feel so alone I cry a lot more than I ever have these days. I wanna feel the happiness I felt so much throughout my life until these last 5 months again. It’s just sad that all my friends think I’m fine and getting better when I’m getting worse. It’s annoying when people
Tell me it’ll get better soon and act so positive. I just donf know what to do. So far haven’t tried anything suicidal and I don’t want too, I’m not like that but life is just getting shittier and shittier and I’m just reaching my breaking point. I wish someone could understand yk?",moderate
dev_pid_965,"Older virgin here, contemplating suicide : Hey guys. I’m a ~30’s (m) older virgin here from a Sikh background. I’ve led a life helping the community and started my own non for profit. I have a successful education and business life. I don’t commit crimes either.
Depression has caused me to become an alcoholic cumulating in me having a bad day a month ago regarding a high level drink driving crash with a ton of bad traffic offences that followed.
My family has always been scummy to me (Dad and brother beat my mum/autistic Aunty when I’m not home and abuse them) and I’ve lived a solitary life as I’m very ugly. I’m facing heavy jail time and fines that I’m unable to pay for including pay for my mums home in which case we will be homeless soon. I have no sympathy for my mum anymore she won’t divorce or distance herself from my brother and dad.
I’ve never felt happy in my entire adult life and never touched a girl that way. I tried killing myself unsusesfully.
Before court sentencing I’m thinking of jumping into the high ocean as I can’t swim and drown.
My question is this and it’s a serious one. Will god forgive me for dying a virgin?",moderate
dev_pid_966,"I hate my life currently and don't know what to do with it. : I'm currently training as a teacher in the UK. My workload is massive and it's getting to the point where I don't think il be able to do the work they're asking me to do to an acceptable standard.
I live with my girlfriend (an amazing person) and currently earn enough to pay all my own bills and such, but the workload problem is becoming quite heavy.
The issue lies in that this profession is just too abusively difficult to get into to be a viable career to me any more. The training has been so hurtful to my mental health that my friends are starting to worry, I've retreated into my room most hours of the day and I'm extremely reluctant to do anything at all, which is starting to affect my relationship. I now absolutely hate this profession in the deepest part of my heart, and no longer wish to go into it.
But that's the catch-22. Because if I leave the position I'm in right now I won't be able to afford to live and will have to move back in with my parents, a move which I fear will end my relationship due to my failure. This isn't a bad reflection of my SO, as she's an amazing person, but she just holds me to high standards, which I hit the majority of the time. Please do not comment on this as it will be unhelpful.
I have absolutely made up my mind, I must leave the teaching profession before it kills me, I've never ever been this unhappy about the direction of my life. I have a physics degree, so I have a lot of paths I can take, but the one I've taken an interest recently in is Law. 
I'm thinking if I want to study law, I can fairly comfortably study it once I'm out of teacher training, and into just working as a teacher, but right now my biggest fear is that I will fail my course due to the crushing workload, and in that scenario I don't see myself surviving long.
The weight of the thoughts of ""I'm gonna fail"" are extremely strong right now, and I'm struggling to leave my bed due to the stress I know it will bring. I have described in to a friend as ""a daily psychological execution"".
The fear is keeping me up at night, and during the day I cannot escape the feeling of foreboding. I have a teaching job interview tomorrow.
I am going to bed now, as I will need to get up in a few hours. I will read any replies then.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading.",moderate
dev_pid_967,"This probably sounds like i'm talking in a circle but this is my cry for help. i dont know what else to do :  Growing up was rough. All of elementary and middle school i was bullied i was left out or i had no one to talk to. My mother had talked to the school counselor to get me diagnosed with a form of high functioning autism. I was thrown on random meds to the point that i wasn't able to control myself. I looked like a zombie, i acted like a zombie. Growing up i was never allowed to show my true self, i was always scared to be me. My mother and father fought all the time until they split up when I was 10. My mom moved to Raleigh and took my sister and i with her, she could only afford a duplex in the bad part of town, for all of 6th grade i was the only white boy in my school, i had a target on my back i was always getting into fights or altercations it got bad enough that people would come to my house to try and fight me. There were multiple times where I was getting shot at in the neighborhood I lived in. The police would drive by all the time doing patrols or scouting the area before they did a drug bust. i remember one day after school i had gotten off the bus to walk to my house and all i could see were red and blue lights in front of my house as multiple cops had just busted into my home. I had lost it when i saw swat dragging my mom out in cuffs. After my dad heard about that he had my sister and I moved back in with him. When we got off the plane to live with him we met his new girlfriend, instantly I knew she wasn't good. My dad worked hours away from where he lived so there would be times we would be left alone with her for weeks on end, she had all of these strict rules with harsh punishments almost always she would escalate it to the point of myself or my sister getting swatted with a wooden spoon, hanger, belt, and even a 1x4. There were times where she said she wanted to break a piece of oak over my back side, i remember how i spent more time crying myself to sleep then actually being happy, i wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about what was going on and it had gotten so bad on so many occasions that i was actually scared for my life. I didn't know how i was going to be able to go to school the next day, hell i would rather go to school then be home and school wasn't much better for me, i was always alone, i had no friends and i had no one to talk to. I would always have to run out of class crying because something small had happened that would upset me. Growing up i could remember multiple times where i wanted to die, where i thought that was the only way out of the misery i was going though. I had attempted to take my own life on multiple occasions. I had tried 2 times before i was 10, once i tried to overdose, again i had used a string as a noose. When i was 17 i tried again but this time i had a gun to my head. I had almost fully depressed the trigger but something stopped me. I can't explain the feeling but my body almost felt as though i was overtaken by an outside force. There's times I sit there and wish that I had pulled the trigger, times I wish I wasn't alive anymore, when I was in the school house I had gotten so overwhelmed that I had to leave my room. It was a wednesday evening around 11 or 12pm, the duty nco was doing his rounds checking the building. He saw me sitting on the stairs and instantly knew something was wrong, he said the last time he saw someone with the expression i had on my face they had killed themselves. Growing up I was always down and sad. It takes me a minute to think of something that made me smile, it's not hard for me to think of something negative that happened when i was growing up since that's 90% of what happened when i grew up. Hell there's multiple times where my step mother had called the cops on me because she didn't want to “deal” with me. No matter what happened I would get punished, my sister ran away from home and I was the one who suffered the consequences because I didn't stop her. I would always cry myself to sleep if i could fall asleep. Now every time someone raises a hand at me I flinch, not because I'm scared but out of reflex. Id always feel more comfortable away from everyone being alone because i was scared i'd do something to get in trouble. I never went out growing up and i didnt have any friends I was close to. I still have problems talking to people. I have problems telling people how i feel or expressing my emotions. I remember after my stepmother had called the cops on me and when i was back home from the hospital she had me sit down at the dining room table every day from sun up to sun down writing 4 sentences over and over again. Every day after school i would have to sit there and do homework. After I finish my homework I'd have to start writing. I ended up writing all 4 sentences 1000 times each. The only way I was allowed to move was to ask if i could use the bathroom. On the weekends she'd make me get up at 7 to sit down there and start writing. And i'd sit there up to 10pm. And every time I tried to talk to someone about it she'd either deny it all together or she'd say that I was overreacting. I was all the time getting screamed at, cussed at and belittled saying i would never be good enough, id never do anything with my life or id never do anything to matter. That i would end up being some low life piece of trash. I spent more time in my room away from everyone then trying to socialize because i was scared of human interaction. I didn't tell my dad about my first girlfriend until after we broke up because i was scared that he would disown me. I never had someone i could go to to talk about things with. I wasn't allowed to go out, I wasn't allowed to socialize, I wasn't allowed to express myself. I'm almost 20 years old and i still don't have a good social life. I moved out at 1 years old. I'm living on my own and I still stay home. I stay away from everyone, I am scared to go out, I get anxiety when I go out into large crowds, I try to run away when I get crowded.",moderate
dev_pid_968,"I am a stain on the face of the earth, I am a horrible person with no good qualities, nobody would miss me, I'm contemplating suicide and I'm pretty calm about it, it is something I'm destined to do : Indubitably, I am not worth anything as a being, contrary to the belief of all redditors who will reply to this, I have never once done anything correct in my life, all I have ever succeeded in has been to be hurtful and disrespectful to others and taking others for granted. 
All I breed is catastrophe. I am not at all talented or skilled at anything in particular, I am below average in every concept known to man. I have no motivation nor intention to progress in my life.
I seem to be an inconvenience, an unpleasant burden towards society. I'd say my existence is more so comparable to a tumor, I am not productive and only produce negative effects on others that unfortunately have the unbearable pain that comes from interaction with someone like me.
Entrapped in this body, I dream of going into eternal sleep, a great rest that lasts to the end of time. I do not have any interest in anything anymore, daily politics bore me a great deal and I'm not at all intrigued by life at all. 
I don't see a reason to not follow through with it when I have no intrinsic value and no drive nor intent to live at all.",moderate
dev_pid_969,"Feelings of depression and guilt exacerbated by pandemic : Feeling Guilty About Feelings During Pandemic...?
I'm in Ontario, Canada, so currently we aren't under any lockdown or anything that extensive. However, it seems like we are heading in that direction. I have really poorly managed anxiety, we've been playing with my meds for months now. Almost a year ago I had a pretty serious suicide attempt, and it's been a waiting game since then to try and get me back on track due to the lack of access to the appropriate medical services.
Anyways, I feel guilty for becoming suicidal during the pandemic. There's so much else happening everywhere (there's no cases in my town), that I feel bad for even considering killing myself but that guilt is what's driving me to the edge. I feel like it's only a matter of  time before I snap. I live alone and I'm terrified that if they quarantine us I won't be able to see my caseworker or my therapist. I've been seeing someone twice a week most weeks because I can't make it more than a few days without going into extreme distress. It doesn't help that I'm coming out of a manic episode. I'm  terrified of being locked in my apartment alone, and I'm scared that i don't know what's happening. I don't even care about the virus. If I get it, I'm a high risk, so it might be bad. But we don't have any cases here. I'm more worried about the actions of other people. I have severe gastroparesis and I'm just so done with living a this point because I'm in such a horrible flare. I can't eat anything. The things I can eat everyone is emptying the shelves of (panic buying soup and rice...etc). 
I  don't know what to do.  Ifeel like I can't go to the hospital to reach out for help and support when I'm in crisis, but I also can't keep doing this. My classes got cancelled and I'm thinking that I will be out a job next week most likely (based on how things are going right now) as well...please help I don't know what to do, I know deep down I want to live and that's why I'm reaching out but right now I'm losing all of my reasons. I've been staying in bed all day everyday and that's usually one of the final signs for me.",moderate
dev_pid_970,"I'm tired : Hello, I don't really know what to say, I'm completly lost, I feel sad all the time, don't have fun anymore. I'm here because a friend tell me everytime since 1 month to write here so...I'm here, and i don't know what to do.",moderate
dev_pid_971,"I posted here 3 months ago on a throwaway account : I still feel the same. If you thought this was some ‘I’m totally fine now and have my life on track’ story, then you're wrong. I feel the same, maybe worse. 
Things that have happened since then: I’ve gotten closer with my friends :) I start worrying or thinking about other people when I want to kill myself. I want a dog. 
Things that haven’t changed since then: I still have the thoughts, nobody can tell, I’m stressed and I’m always planning my suicide at the back of my mind.
I’m happy. Or I’m supposed to be. I have many friends, whom I love. They make me laugh. I went out with them on the weekend, first time in a while when I have ever gone outside. It was really fun. We ate and watched a movie (Sonic - came out yesterday, well two days ago since it’s 12:40am). And then I came home and realised that I was scared to feel really down again and did everything I could to prolong my happiness. I focused on this topic, talked about how great the movie was and what we did etc. And then I slept and woke up miserable. It was good while it lasted. 
I think I might’ve fooled myself into this. I keep thinking about it and I could’ve tricked myself into believing I was depressed or something. I don’t really know.
I have thought about suicide. But I don’t know if I could do it. One thing that made me doubt it was when a meme was shared on our group chat. It was something like ‘5 types of friends’ and  the depressed one came up. We were all making jokes about it, me included, and deciding who was who. One of my friends said that I definitely couldn’t be the depressed one, along with her and another. That had me thinking, first : damn, I’m a good actor. Then: none of them really know. If I killed myself, it would be a massive surprise. I don’t know if I could do that to them. Since then, I’ve tried to leave a couple of hints but they weren’t really good hints and weren’t picked up. That sucked. I want them to know it wasn’t their fault but I don’t want to leave a suicide note. I would be expected to explain my actions and if I survive, it would make my life a living hell. 
I also have one friend, who could be extra vulnerable or saddened by my sudden death. She has admitted to every one that she has struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts but isn’t diagnosed because her family don’t have enough money for a psychiatrist. I’m kinda jealous that she was able to confess everything to this group of people she wasn’t super close with. I can’t even confess to my sister and I’ve know her my whole life. The confession seemed sincere and I had noticed she was a bit distant some days. So it is believable. And I don’t want her to do the same thing. 
I also don’t know how. An overdose on pills probably won’t kill me and I don’t go outside much so I don’t have many ideas for a bridge to jump off. I always have the urge to kill myself whenever something slightly wrong happens. Like saying something weird or embarrassing at the time or doing something stupid. That’s why I tend to make a lot of jokes and surreal crap, I don’t focus on it because it makes literally no sense and other people found it funny too. 
I’m tired of this and it’s 1am now. Boris, shut down the schools already. Think of my mental health, bloody hell. I’m off to do homework I should have done 6 hours ago. yeet.",moderate
dev_pid_972,"Happiness is delusional : In my entire life...not once have I feel happiness, hope, joy, not even fucking content.
I am so consumed with bitterness and anger that I feel this is all I will ever know.
At this point I view any form of  hope or positivity as simply outrageous and stupid. I can’t understand it.
How people can just feel “happy” for no good reason. My entire life has been lived in agony, pain, misery, torment. And I’ve never been able to escape.
At this point, happiness seems delusional.",moderate
dev_pid_973,"Life’s getting ahead of me : Aside from the fact that my current semester grades and social life is shit I’m actually doing alright. I’m 18 right now and have worked 2 jobs, going for a third during the summer. I have taken college courses and passed them, trying to look good for the CalStates I’m trying to apply to. The problem is that literally all of this progress I was held by the hand by my parents. They almost made me do all of these things as I hesitated doing so. By myself, I’m not productive at all and I’m just trying to up my rating on a few games because those are one of the few things that help me find joy in life, even if it doesn’t work all the time. I sometimes go through intense depressive states where I just succumb and literally stare at nothing for half of the day. It’s pointless trying to make progress when life feels so shit, I really just want to do the bare minimum.",moderate
dev_pid_974,"No one: : Me: I want to invite my friend to go do something, but they know about my depression and it’d seem like I’m guilt tripping them. But if I don’t ever invite them to do something then I’d seem like I’m mean and they’ll hate me forever, but if I invite them it’ll seem like I’m guilt tripping them because of my depression and also waste their time.",moderate
dev_pid_975,"This coroshit makes me suicidal : Will probably delete later. I don't give a crap about getting the virus but I am more suicidal/hopeless after much time. The gov preventive measures in this country I am in, while somewhat justified, make me extremely anxious because reminiscent of totalitarianism. My life is absolutely crap and messed up which was bad enough, but if you add not being able to go out and get fucking coffee or something or do normal human things, it is a recipe for a disaster. I will not be able to bear this isolation, I will not, I don't want to live trapped in this country, I've been getting strong urge to move away where I actually wanna be which I was postponing, now I fucking hate myself. I am not the verge of a panic attack 24/7. The funniest thing is I have been getting Better after much time, and genuinely looking forward to looking for a new job, having a routine, earning money, moving the fuck away etc, for the first time in Years, any other time, I probably would not have cared so much. I get better after 3 fucking years and start thinking about the future and BOOM fucking pandemic. I do not care about getting ill like I would be perfectly happy to get the virus and die i dont fucking care, but I am not able to bear living in a fucking postapocalyptic country. Sorry for rant just, my sleeping schedule which I've worked so hard on normalising, COMPLETELY FUCKED, back to crying all day fucking hell this is NOT GOOD I can't bear this I just wanna scream fucking hell what in the fuck this is so deeply unfair. I am sorry for sounding like this but really need to vent I am so so so lonely I am going fucking CRAZY I can't fucking handle having my freedom of movement restricted like I just left a job I fucking hated LAST FUCKING MONTH with the intention of finding a new one and move abroad THE FUCK I WILL but like what in the fuck is even the point of fucking living on every fucking thing just goes to shit I wanna fucking die I am so over either I will shout or I will die I want to fucking kill myself holy fucking christ NOTHING NO DISTRACTION if I want to distract myself in some way, do something, I CANNOT THIS IS HELL on the top of my all existing issues holy fucking shit this life is just, holy shit let me die",moderate
dev_pid_976,"Who cares for people like you, youre just a burden! -my mom : Sometimes I dont mind my terrible GPA, even if shes told me to kill myself and drop out because Im a loser. But practice tests I've taken have shown that I can get an MCAT 518-528. 
The only thing I wish was that I didnt have epilepsy. Throughout middle school and high school I had 1 seizure every 3 months. Starting at 16, I have one every week. Only recently it went back down to once a month. 
But my mom cant handle it. Im just a finical burden and stress for her. So she screams at me and insults me everyday. Usually about how I have \[mental disorder\] or \[mental disorder\], basically random mental disorder. She calls me a narcissist (ironically, she shows symptoms of narcissism and a psychiatrist ive seen said someone with those symptoms needs to see a therapist), how no one will love me, how Im the reason my parents' marriage has fallen apart. How I shouldn't exist and Ill live on the street and my brother wont love me anymore.
I really am starting to give up. At first I wanted to push forward to prove her wrong I WILL BECOME A DOCTOR JUST WATCH!!!! But now, whats the point. I might as well kill myself. No one actually loves me or supports me in anything.",moderate
dev_pid_977,I don't have any energy to do anything : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_978,"Carving : So I started to cut again not only my arms but my chest my stomach my hands my legs. I'm a mess I'm losing it, I'm standing in the dark with my knife in my hand and trying to carve the demons out of me..",moderate
dev_pid_979,dead : Im going to hang myself im done with this bs no one cares im invisible,moderate
dev_pid_980,"My entire existence is parasitic : I’ve recently thought of my entire existence being parasitic, every time I talk to someone it feels empty and fake, I feel like I’m just ruining their life just because I’m around, I drain all of their happiness when just when I say “Hi.” It sucks. This wouldn’t have happened if I just didn’t exist in the first place.
I hate being alive most of the time nowadays, mostly because I always feel like a terrible fucking person that doesn’t deserve to wake up every morning. I’ve lost motivation to talk to others or even wake up in the morning. I hate being awake. I hate myself. Parasites deserve to be eradicated and killed off.
...just thought I’d get this off my chest, I’ve only talked to one other person about this.",moderate
dev_pid_981,M[27] Help... : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_982,"I feel sad, I feel exhausted, can’t get joy out of anything not even going to Disney for the first time. I just to lay down and disappear, : I feel sad, I feel exhausted, can’t get joy out of anything not even going to Disney for the first time. I just to lay down and disappear. I can’t tell this to anyone, I haven’t ever trusted anyone, I’m lonely, I haven’t ever been in a relationship, all the girls that I once love disappeared one way or another. My parents are abusive and in their culture mental illness isn’t a thing so I can’t trust them. I want to end it all, I fall asleep every night with tears in my eyes, I brush them away quickly when someone gets into my room. I’m stuck in a cycle of going to bus getting to school, bus again and home to do hw and sleep, there isn’t anything here for me, always felt out of place, I have been in many places and left a lot of people behind who I think they don’t even like me or remember me. I’m my own purgatory I can’t rest sleeping isn’t the same. I’m starting to eat less even though I’m under weight, also I have stress belly which makes me think I’m fat but I’m not and last I have pectus  excavatum, that is a hole in the middle of my chest that I is pushing my heart into my lungs, my parents don’t allow me to get surgery so I have to let it consume me, when I look at my self in the mirror I don’t know what I’m looking at. I’m in too much pressure in school , my dad was a doctor so I also wanted to be one since I was a kid but idk if that’s what I want to do. They have thought me that if you don’t get a degree you wil be a failure in life but I already feel like one. I feel hopeless I’m writing this on my second account pls help me",moderate
dev_pid_983,"I feel it started to crawl. : don't know where to talk this, never been diagnosed but my mom and grandma does, there are times in the year where it hits me and I isolated myself, started to happen in my teen years...and I always saw this as antisocial behavior and nothing else, until two years ago, where anxiety attacks got worse and suicide thoughts happened...
today I just feel I want to stay in bed, I feel I have annoyed everyone, and every comment I do gets ignored, I already have delete photos from social media because I feel I want to dissapear, and with this quarentine ... im almost sure I'm gonna dissapear from the internet, but not in a good way, I'm gonna push away everyone I care about because I feel they are gonna be more annoy if stay around.
I'm afraid of what is about to come, but mostly the thoughts that I know are about to pop out and made me feel the most miserable unworthy person.",moderate
dev_pid_984,"Could it get much worse? : I know the title seems dramatic, but it keeps going through my head. 
Every time 1 thing good happens, 10 things happen that make everything worse. 
Example: My scholarship went through for university and I got $4,000 in the bank. I went to lease a horse that I’d been visited for a few months. Except my car broke, and shortly afterwards, the agistment prices went beyond what I can afford, and the owner is going to sell him to make ends meet. 
Everything keeps getting worse and worse. When does it stop? What’s the limit?
So now I’m stuck in a city alone. I have no car. No job. No friends or family. No horse. I have $4 a week extra to spend on food. No motivation. No one at all to talk to. And it’s getting to be too much. My only productivity is running. 
Whats worse, I’m paranoid all the time. Worried something is going to happen. Worried there’s someone in my house, watching me, stalking. 
I can’t take it.",moderate
dev_pid_985,"I threw my life away and I'm on the verge of suicide : (I'm sorry if this is super long, I just need to finally get this out)
So I'm 18 years old and for the last 2 months, every single one of my days have been repeating this cycle: Wake up around 12pm - 1pm, eat the exact same thing as the day before (due to eating problems), hide away from everyone, including family, sleep at around 1am - 2am. Occasionally adding self harm the list.
I guess I'll start from when this started. Back in April 2019 I was the happiest person, I was dating a girl that I can't explain my love for, she meant everything to me. Let's pretend her name was Emily. We saw each other very often and it was going well, until I realised that she wasn't happy some nights. It was about 2 or 3 weeks into the relationship and I wasnt making her happy, I was saying all the wrong things and making her cry. I was hurting her unintentionally. I loved Emily so much that I couldnt stand hurting her, so I started to hurt myself. This is when I stared to cut my arms. She noticed my arms and of course seeing that made her even more upset. This kept happening until I couldn't handle hurting her anymore. We broke up about 1 and a half months into the relationship but instead of a ""normal"" breakup, Emily attempted to kill herself because of the thought of living without me. I didn't hear from her a day or two after that night. But that night I had a lot of blood dripping out of me and i cried myself to sleep most nights after. Emily was ok and nothing serious happend to her thankfully. Around this time I was in college and had exams to take, due to the stress of everything, I failed them all except my main course's.
Throughout the summer and autumn I was still cutting myself but not too often, it was about 5 times a month I'd say. It stays like this to this day.
Fast forward to Christmas 2019, I hadn't recovered from the pain of making someone attempt suicide. I hid away as much as I could. Speaking only when spoke to.
Fast forward again to mid to late January and I suddenly got crushed by my mind. Only going outside of my room when necessary (food, water and toilet). I became silent even when spoken to and found it hard to talk. I couldn't handle being around others and it only got worse. It got to the point where I dropped out of college unexpectedly at the end of January. Ever since then I've woken up with no meaning, motivation or point to my life. 
I have only one reason to live: the hope that one day I will finally see my best friend, Katie face to face. She lives halfway across the world and every day the chance of that dream coming true gets lower and lower. 
I don't want to be alive anymore, I have no reason to be. I'm a burden and a waste of space and money and time. I've abandoned all friends I once had (with the exception of Katie). I enjoy plotting my suicide in my head with the hopes that I'll find the courage to act it out one day. 
I want to die. And soon.",moderate
dev_pid_986,"Its been five years since the last year that i was somewhat happy : Five freaking years, i cant even believe, i expected so much from the future then i started realizing that none of my dreams would actually come true,  everything went downhill after 2015, and it just gets worse 2019 was worse than 2018 and 2020 is already worse than all those years combined i wish i could just die",moderate
dev_pid_987,"My mental health has utterly derailed my life : I had to leave my good job because I couldn't get out of bed half the time and when I was there I couldn't perform to the high standard required. I haven't worked in nearly a year. I've gone into debt as a result of it, borrowed money from family I can't pay back and can't pay off my debts either. I used to fluctuate between the top end of a healthy bmi to slightly overweight but I've gained nearly 50+ and am obese. I haven't put time or energy into my passion that I eventually want to make a career because I have no energy despite having nothing but time. Its overwhelming how quickly it all fell apart for me and managing my anxiety about it all is so difficult when my concerns are all perfectly fucking valid. 
I don't even know why I'm posting about it but I suppose I needed to vent. I just wish I could afford therapy, most of my financial issues are secret and I wish to keep them that way and I don't like talking to people involved in my life about my deep issues. That unbiased third party would be a godsend but it is what it is. 
Sometimes I just feel like I'll never dig myself out of the mess I've created by falling to pieces.",moderate
dev_pid_988,"The place between hopelessness and being too scared of suicide is a mental illness in and of itself : I just want a good way to go out. Jesus I can't lie, but it's so fucking scary and I hate it.",moderate
dev_pid_989,"I go to sleep every night wishing my pain would go away, and waking up every morning regretting I didnt just end it : I'll probably just delete this later, but I need to get this off my chest.
I'm in my mid-twenties and I've had depression since I was 12. I didnt know what it was until I was 19 due to family either writing it off or just disgusted with me saying I was just trying to be angsty. I wasn't. I was in so much pain, and I didn't know why. 
I figured out it was my family at 18 and moved out. The whole dramatic ""I'll never see you again"" bullshit. We're very close now, but it look may years and hardships to bring us there. I got help, went to a therapist, got medication. 
It all seemed to help for a bit. I tried different medication when the last one stopped working. I gave up on therapists because I just felt like I was whining the entire session. Still can't talk to a therapist for that reason, it never helps me. 
But I digress. 
Nothing helps anymore. I'm in so much pain, everyday. I've mentioned this to friends, and have even told one about wanting to end my life. And he was very blunt and told me all the people that'd miss me. Which I needed to snap me back to reality. And at the time I believed him enough to not consider it any longer. 
But it no longer helps. The feeling that nothing will get better, that I will be alone and a failure regardless of what I do to help eats at me everyday, little by little. I care for so many people and yet I feel as though they wouldn't even bat an eyelash if I was gone. That they'd just go on with their lives. To an extent I know this is true but it's heartbreaking to know that they are only there because I offer something to them. Whether its jokes or food (I enjoy making or buying food for people), that is the only thing I can offer. 
I've had so many failed relationships. And while my friends and family tell me that it's not me, it's them, there has to be something I'm not doing right or that is unattractive enough to end a long-term relationship. And it hurts to think I'll never find love while I'm alive, or even have someone care about me for me. Because I know they will leave eventually. The novelty will wear off, they'll see my depression and know they can find something better in someone else. And that is the hardest thing I've had to come to terms with. 
I'm a burden. A joke. A noucense that others tolerate, like a gnat you just can't get rid of. 
I think of dying every day, and I regret it in the morning when I didn't just do it because I know I'll just be in more pain by the end of the day. 
I've been told to cheer up, put on a mask. But after so long I don't have anymore energy to spend on trying to convince others I'm happy. And it hurts to think that I'm a bother just because I can't feel happy anymore. I can't be that girl with a big smile for others anymore. I'd say I'm sorry to disappoint, but I've been used to disappointing people all my life. 
I'm not typing this for attention, or to be melodramatic. I need to say it somewhere where I can try to hope someone will understand without hurting my friends and family in the process. I need this pain to stop, and this is my last resort. The only thing keeping me going is my cat, who I will worry he wont have a home or people to love him if he doesnt have me. And that is so pathetic to say that it hurts to type it. 
I'm sorry for the rant. For the long details that no one wants to hear. This will be deleted soon. I just want someone to know and hopefully understand.",moderate
dev_pid_990,"I just got scammed and im losing hope : My depression has been on and off but as of late things have been getting worse for me and today i got scammed out of all my items in tf2 and lost $200 plus from my bank account. It may not seem like  much but im a 19yo who just started working in a minimum wage job which is shit. 
Im just so scared right now idk what to do im losing hope",moderate
dev_pid_991,At the edge : I honestly feel like I’m at the edge and want to die. I want to stop feeling this way but I ruined too much things in my life. Things are getting worse and I don’t see the point in living anymore. I honestly think just disappearing from this world is a better option. I don’t know how long I can hold this.,moderate
dev_pid_992,"Why am I crying : I was doing math homework. Fucking math homework. I have like a 97 in math and it was algebra. But I couldn't do it for some godawful reason. I cry at everything now. I don't know why. It's so stupid. If anything I should be crying less. I finally cut my mom out, my dad has a car and a stable job, I'm safe for once in my whole fucking life and i can't stop crying over everything. I can't believe i cried in front of Dad again. I'm such a fucking disappointment. I should be happy. I should be grateful. But here I am, lying here and sobbing my goddamn eyes out. I'm such a waste. Look at me, I'm just laying here in bed and browsing Reddit. I have three and a half pages of homework to do and I'm spending my time being a miserable slob. I could get a part time job, be fucking productive for once while I'm out of school. I could work on my book or excersize or, I don't know, fucking leave my room for once in my life and talk to another  human being. Every drop of my potential has been thrown away and I haven't even turned fifteen yet. And now that I mention that I'm a teenager, everyone will tell me I'm faking depression. Which, who knows, I probably am. I'm such a fucking attention whore that I don't even realize I'm manipulating people half the time. God, I wish I'd killed myself when I still had the guts to do it.",moderate
dev_pid_993,I’m ruining my life : Have a chance of being charged with 2 felony in a month and then have to go to court once again a month later for weed possession misdemeanor in only 16 and I’m making stupid mistakes that are preventable. I get pretty shitty grades a lot of the time. I have a terrible issue with being sober I hate it so much I smoke like 5 times a day definitely am addicted to weed and nicotine. What’s the point of living this life when I’m young but feel so old. mind constantly thinking only ab dying and death. My emotions feel so numb I haven’t enjoyed anything in months if not years I don’t have anything to look forward to in my future Im not gonna be famous or rich. I always think since I’m dealing with the negative side of life there has to be a happy part eventually and I just have to tough it out to get there but I’ve been dealing with the negative side of life since I was born and I don’t see this ever changing life isn’t a movie there isn’t a happy ending for everyone not even the majority some people live there entire life’s sad/depressed with no end until there death and I feel that’s how I’m gonna be. I wanna be dead so so bad but I’m also to scared to do anything ab it. I just wish I got cancer or the fucking Coronavirus and died from it. I don’t think this even makes much sense and I don’t care I don’t care about anything I want to just sleep infinitely. No one cares about me and I don’t care ab anyone not even myself. Out of the billions of people who could’ve been born why was I the one. I’m a waste of space and a disappointment to every person I know i DONT have any purpose in life and never will. I don’t even really know what I’m saying but who cares the likelyhood of anyone besides myself reading this is like 0.00001%,moderate
dev_pid_994,"I just don’t know what happened : I don’t have an idea how to preface this I don’t even know why I’m writing it but I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried seeking help, I’m taking pills but it hasn’t helped, I’m in therapy but it hasn’t helped, I’ve talked to friends and it has it helped. About half an hour ago a thought crossed my mind, I have an idea where my pills are, they’re easy to overdose on if you aren’t careful. Out of habit I thought “no that’s stupid” or something. but I stood up. I started walking but I was screaming internally to go back, to sit down, but I kept walking towards the medicine cabinet. If my mom hadn’t hidden and it wasn’t dark. I don’t know what to do.",moderate
dev_pid_995,"I feel like I can't even breathe anymore. : Ive lost interest in social contact and school in grade 9. I started skipping school regularly and nearly had to retake grade 10 because of it. Now I'm in grade 11 and I do i good in school, but it just doesn't make me feel good at all. I had a mental breakdown a few months ago, I threw my phone into a wall, destroyed all my monitors, my xbox and punched my father in the face. It's gotten better until about 2 weeks ago when I was sitting in the shower and was seriously thinking that I don't want to live anymore, I feel like I can't do anything good enough to do it for a living. I feel like nothing I do is good, like my whole existence is just making everyones life worse. I have a girlfriend that Ive been with for over 2 years now, I cheated on her in December of 2018 and I just can't get it out of my head, I hate myself for it, I hurt everyone that gets close to me, I am lazy, I don't have motivation for anything, and right now while I'm writing this It feels like there is someone lying besides me pushing into my chest trying to suffocate me. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to live anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_996,"From the symptoms I share, is it possible I’m depressed? : It all started a couple months ago. I started losing interest in things i loved, such as writing and singing. i started sleeping much worse and being constantly tired and not being able to sleep more than three hours a night or sleep without waking up two or more times. i don’t care about my clothing anymore or my looks. i don’t care if my hair looks awful or my clothes are stained. i barely take showers anymore because i don’t care what i look like. i don’t care about my grades in school anymore and i’m barely trying due to lack of motivation. i’m constantly irritable and get annoyed or angry very easily. small things can make me break down. could this be caused by depression?",moderate
dev_pid_997,"I’m surrounded by 100 people but feel all alone : ⚠️TW: Thoughts about s*icide
—— this is just a rant, so skip it if you want. I just needed somewhere to write my thoughts down. 
I’m a happy person, always laughing or smiling. You’ll never see me with a sad face or in a grumpy mood. However, on the inside, I’m sad. I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m hurt. I feel like giving up. I feel like no one cares about me. I’m always asking my friends how they are, how their day went, and comforting them when they’re upset. They’re there for me and I’m there for them. I know that, but I can’t get myself to open up. I don’t want people to see my upset or to know about my problems. I hide my feelings and don’t let them out. I’m insecure, I’m sad, and I feel ugly, but do people know that? No. Never.  I feel like I’m stuck inside my own thoughts, alone, and not cared for.
It’s the moments when I’m all alone is when things get fucked up the most. My thoughts subjugate everything. I start asking question like, Who is really there for me? Do people really care about me? Why am I so ugly? Should I just give up on life? Of course, I don’t know the answer to any of these question. I know it’s my fault for all of this, but it’s hard to keep going, so I’m trying my best.
“Im surrounded by 100 people but feel all alone”
⚠️
Sometimes I try to imagine myself dead, or thinking about how I would do “it”. I know I’m to pussy though, I could never. My dog wouldn’t know where I went. My mother would think it’s her fault. My friends would be hurt. I don’t want to harm anyone, but I just don’t want to keep pretending like I’m happy and have a perfect life. I’m fighting against my inner thoughts but I feel like I’m losing and have nothing to live for anymore. I want to give up. I’m trying my best.
I’m sorry ):",moderate
dev_pid_998,"Depression is destroying me : I am a teenager, i never knew depression would stick with me for that long. I was diagnosed by doctors many times with depression disorder. I just ignored it, was like, ""eh.. probably a year and it'll be gone, hopefully."" and it's been a long time and it's still with me. It's getting much worse, a lot of anxiety, sleeping, always stressed, feel like i am going insane, fake personality - haven't used my real personality in like 4 years, no friends, the last time i hung out with someone who's not a friend, i just wanted to hang out, was like 4 years ago. The first and last time i had a friend was 7/8 years ago, will 100% fail at school (i don't think i care about my school degrees but i just don't want to make my mother sad). 
I never realized how depression is actually ruining my life, i always ignore it but it's time to admit that it's making me go crazy. I just can't help it anymore..
I don't try to tell my mother because she doesn't take it seriously. Yes she's quite supportive.. sometimes. But in my country 80% of people are not well educated about mental disorders.
I always try to sound funny, happy and fake my personality so people wont think i suck. What's making my depression worse is social anxiety. But it's just time to admit it, after all these years of resisting against depression and fighting it, ignoring it, faking happiness. Depression wins. It got me. I can't do it. I can't do it anymore. I just want to get out of this world like right now. Just disappear.
I am always insecure, it came to a point where i just don't care anymore, don't feel anything. I always wear the same favorite clothes, a hoodie, cap to avoid people looking and hide my appearance. I can't do it. And i don't want to commit suicide, i've always stood against depression and not commit suicide but as i said, it's currently destroying me. I still am not sure about suicide, i don't think it's a solution.
Because i only live once, i am trying to enjoy life but a lot of things are preventing that, religious parents, extremely-sarcastic brother, social anxiety and no friends, depression, insecurities. I've always tried different hobbies that i like, and i still am doing these hobbies. It's still difficult since depression is just getting worse. I like game development, desktop applications development, i always try to teach my self new different hobbies that i think are interesting to me. I still can't help it with depression. Sorry for long writing.",moderate
dev_pid_999,"You know you've hit rock bottom when you don't feel anything anymore : Nothing. Can't be happy, can't be sad, can't cry,can't study, can't look forward to anything, nothing interests me, if I do find something to distract myself with it'll make me feel *not* shitty but that's it. Doing my former hobbies feels like a chore. Sleeping is the best part of the day. I barely get out of my bed all day (when there's no school), my high libido has plummeted down and it is non existent now, I was highly limerent a few weeks ago but can't even feel my love for my crush anymore. Nope, don't even feel suicidal. I wouldn't mind if i get killed but no thoughts about actually killing myself. There isn't even a fog in my mind, it's just empty. I just want to sleep forever.
Existing is a pain in the ass.",moderate
dev_pid_1000,"Ok for a minute : The fun thing about depression is you can feel OK one minute and empty and lifeless the next...and all the ropes are just waiting to be cut, untwisted or dropped because everyone's heard it all before...and most people only check up on you when you're not OK
As someone who has survived hanging herself, you'd think I'd have my shit together after 10 years of therapy ...but no...I don't 
The worst part is knowing I could do it again and the only things I can think of people saying are that I was selfish and attention seeking...but those words would be as temporary as the time it takes for my body to become lifeless again 
It really sucks trying to get better and feeling like you only are a burden even when you're self sufficient",moderate
dev_pid_1001,"this life is not it : what is the point of doing anything when i’m just going to die ? like why waste time, money, resources, and energy when it’s going to lead to nothing eventually?? i am not going to make it in life so why try and do anything, should save everyone the trouble and just GO.",moderate
dev_pid_1002,"I almost killed myself tonight : SO I want this to be known, I cook a ton, I love to cook food. So at Christmas ( Weird i'm an atheist but still celebrate the birth of christ. Reason why is because my mom denies me choice of Atheism. Yet she'll still believe a bearded man in the sky...And I'm the crazy one.. I just want free shit k?) My Mom got me a Knife set.
Chefs Knife, And All sorts of knives. The smallest one is the one I mainly use, Since it's the dullest and I always get cut With the chefs knife.  Anyway. I've become more careful around sharp objects ever since I stabbed myself to the bone with a pen... I didn't know why i did it. I Just felt like I should. I just thought I would want to. It wasn't a ton of blood but It was one of the coldest days in Louisiana (It gets to about 20 degrees sometimes. Some Days it's hot, the next it's cold. You think I'm joking but no. It's crazy climate changing shit.)  But when I got home, and a lot warmer, After a shower, My Stab wound opened and couldn't stop bleeding.  
I stayed away from anything sharp enough to cut me.  Scissors, knifes, and I switched to those dumb led pens.  I tried to stop myself from being around those things. I'm not very closed about my Depression as I should be. That's good I guess. I'm open to everyone about it. Even the girl I like knows this shit. I Have social anxiety but I can handle talking to her and stuff like that, but not tell her I Like her. I'm off topic. Any way. THey closed my school for the month because of the Corona Virus pandemic, It just made it's way to louisiana. I;m a bit scared of it. But At least I'll be apart of something. Not to mention more people recover than die from it, so I'mma be fine. ( nd I am in the age group that is more likely to get it.)  
And I Think Everything happens for a Reason. So I would normally take in to account Every single possible scenario and think of a way out. Or a way to avoid it.  But Being away from my band members, and away from asking the girl i like out, and maybe never finding love got me into serious depression. I don't believe in the thing everyone has someone. Because of my philosophical thinking...
So I used the sharpest knife i have and Stabbed my hand. Obviously, It left a big mark.  So I've been Hiding it from My mom. I don't want to hear her Christion Bull shit. Or her yelling how dumb I am for stabbing my self with no reason. So I've been taking advantage of the pandemic and told my mom I felt sick. She Was A Little paranoid of the Corona outbreak and remembered the pamphlet that the school Brought home with out report cards. All sick people should stay in bed to rick the possible outcome of getting the COVID-19 virus. 
I'm smart In thinking of a way to out smart my mom. And Take advantage of things like that, (Btw, I take a bath every night, so whipping the blood off was extremely easy, and me not being a fucking dumbass, I know how to apply bandages and shit like that. I treated the mark like any other, A Shit ton of rubbing alcohol, and bandages. Funny thing After all the blood and stuff washed away, It wasn't as big as I thought.)  My depression Is slowly turning into loss of sanity. 
At least I could use that in my band since I write the lyrics, and I Play the bass. I Can really control the band. There's a reason I call us the Drop Of The Psychos.  ( I have the stage name Psycho. Kinda weird to have a stage name and be proud of the name then being made fun of. They used to call me Psycho when I would Scream or make random outbursts.)  
I don't know where my sanity is going, but I know it's not helping a single thing. Except when I act on impulse, like stab my self I feel happy. Only TIme I've ever did. Any time I do what I feel like, I laugh or smile.  I Never do that with a cricked Society holding me down.
Sorry. I go off topic a lot haven't i? Well Bye.",moderate
dev_pid_1003,I need to cut myself before I lose it and kill myself : The scissors don’t fucking work anymore and I need to see some blood come out. I feel like i’m going crazy I just really need to cut.,moderate
dev_pid_1004,"So I cleaned my room : So I was going through my stuff since I was cleaning. I found all my old suicide notes and journal entries. I don't know if it triggered something or what but I just feel numb again like an episode relapse. I'm just glad nobody else found it. I just can't feel though, every time the blade touches my skin I get goosebumps until it slices through then it's like I just can't feel emotion. I can't feel the pain, the sadness, the hopelessness, the drowning. Everyday I feel like I lose a bit of myself, and I will until I disappear.",moderate
dev_pid_1005,"What I don’t tell people : I don’t tell people I get self harm thoughts, everytime I do it just seems to get me in trouble. I don’t want them to worry but I also don’t want to lie, and i know I won’t act on any of them but they don’t. They take it as I will and freak out about it. I tell no one because when I do they go to others and spread it so that I have to talk my way out of people pestering me on whether or not I’ll like kill or cut myself. Yes I’m depressed and I think I can trust them enough to comfort me and then some pull this stunt and it makes me feel worse",moderate
dev_pid_1006,I’m trying to calm down but I can’t : I think tonight is the night. I feel like I’m going insane. The idea of killing myself is all consuming and nothing is slowing it down. I used to cut or burn myself to feel some release but tonight none of that is working. I just want it to end,moderate
dev_pid_1007,"I hate being told ""it gets better"" : it gets better. it gets better. it gets better. Don't worry, it gets better.
So what? So what if ""it gets better""? It never makes me feel less depressed to hear that. It never makes me feel supported, cared for, or even reassured.
I know that when it does ""get better"", it'll always get worse too. 
Fuck your ""it gets better"". P.S. You wouldn't normally tell a happy person that ""it gets worse"" so why tell me that?",moderate
dev_pid_1008,"I need my meds more than you need your fucking car. : My moms mad at me because I’m not paying for the car payment because I need to purchase health insurance. Corona has been hurting businesses so everyone’s hours have been cut around here. She’s calling me selfish because the car is for the entire family and my health insurance is only for me. I’ve been rationing my meds since we’re waiting for Medicaid to look at our appeal. If we don’t get Medicaid this week, I’m going to purchase insurance before the month passes and I can’t buy insurance at all. 
My mom can walk to work. It’s a one mile walk and it’ll help her hypertension. We can walk to the supermarket, theres 3 markets within a half mile walk. But if I don’t take my antidepressants, I’ll be in an inpatient facility within the week. It’s already difficult as fuck taking my full dose every other day and a half dose in between. I can’t last like this forever. She’s telling me to fix my attitude but IM NOT ON MY FULL DOSAGE. WTF DOES SHE EXPECT. 
Plus, I’m pretty sure me trying to kill myself again will affect the entire family. So yeah. Fuck her. Fuck corona. Fuck this healthcare system.",moderate
dev_pid_1009,":( : Everything going on in my life is just making me feel very discouraged and worthless. I feel like I have bad luck or something. I’m the only common denominator in my life, so it must be me who’s the problem. I want to be a normal functioning adult. Why do the most basic things have to be so hard???",moderate
dev_pid_1010,"I just want to fucking die right now. : I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I probably just did irreversible damage to a relationship that I treasure very much because I was feeling really out of it and I just wanted to vent a little, but then I started down the road of talking about how talking to her made me feel sometimes and now she's not replying. I just want to fucking disappear off the face of the earth right now.",moderate
dev_pid_1011,"I'm so close to giving up. : Tonight was the cherry on top of the insane amount of depression I've been having.
My husband and my father in law fist fought three times tonight and each time it was just my instinct to break them up, or try to. I'm not skinny by any means, I'm more on the chunkier side. But I didnt think, I just did. My only concern was protecting my husband. So, now my whole body is just.. drained, And it happened in front of my kids. They said they were just talking so I figured it was okay to take the kids to get some ice cream and calm them down. 
I did get hit. Mainly in the head, probably thrown against a wall or two but I never stopped. We live with them and are working on moving out at the end of April. 
But whenever I got home, my husband just told me he needs me to clean more. To stop being lazy. And I'm not. I clean and clean after my kids. I do everything for them and for my husband. If anyone needs anything, I'm there for them. So after all that arguing, that's what I get. 
That I need to clean. 
There was no, I'm sorry that happened. There was no let's talk to my parents so you can feel better about it. Nothing. Just, clean. Like it was all my fault somehow. 
Lately. 
Things have been hard for me. 
I'm trying to hold on. I'm trying to just keep my head up. But everyone is against me. And I'm just, tired. 
I want to take my kids and run but I cant. 
I almost cut tonight but didnt because I didnt want to disappoint my kids. 
I'm spiraling downward and it isnt stopping.",moderate
dev_pid_1012,"Hopefully temp. : Hi everyone, I honestly lack the motivation in writing too much about myself which is prob a sign for depression but I just want to get this out to someone because there’s no one I can talk to about this. I was supposed to write my college essay and submit all of them by the deadline yesterday. I didn’t. I used my three months trying to write it but I can’t get myself to write it. All my family and friends are awaiting me to transfer and move on in life and they don’t really know that I didn’t actually apply for the Fall. I’m not proud of myself and I don’t feel like I’m ready for it. I’ve felt like this since December and it’s just gotten more agonizing. The truth is, I’m closeted, I have more serious anxiety than I thought, I’m too much in my head. I had so many friends over the year and I lost them, ghosted them, because I’m just scared and tired for no reason. This is going to sounding a brag but I’m telling you I wish I could treat it like one, everyone has high standards for me academically. I’ve been in newspaper articles like the NYT and accepted to selective extracurricular programs and my academics are great. But everyone wants me to continue what I’ve been doing which is help them with events and so many other stuff I’m just tired of it. And they basically force me to do things I don’t want to do. Saying, “hey I know you’re super busy but this means a lot for the students.” Many of them tell me to apply to Brown or Harvard, because they went there or it would make the school look good. They even went far enough as to get a meeting with them, which I really didn’t want and just wasted his time. I don’t want to go to those schools because I don’t like the environment. So now I’m fucking tired and anxious all the time and I’m just trying to let it out that I didn’t apply to anywhere to everyone I know. All I want to do is travel and continue my passion of just trading and researching stocks which I’ve been doing and love. I don’t want school, I’m so tired of being told to do what’s expected of me. But I don’t want to be a dick and I don’t want to be despised.",moderate
dev_pid_1013,"Hello : Honestly, I feel hopeless. When I was in grade 5 I was a good person, Everyone in the whole elementary school was my friend. Now, In 9th grade I have 2 friends, who know maybe next year, I'll have no one. I kind of lean on them, they keep me grounded in reality. My best friend is moving this year, so next school year, I will only have one friend.
I am starting to get the sense that my other friend hates me. I think that's good, I'm a terrible person. I have no idea why he hangs out with me at all, I am a waste of space.
If he told me, that he hated me, He'd be doing me a favor. He, next year, will be my only reason to live.
Ya know, I can't sleep. I have a difficult time sleeping. My mistakes keep me awake every night, I never should have spoken. My mom and dad got divorced in 2016, and I've moved to 4 different schools. Maybe that's why I am so much more, independent, quiet, alone, depressed.
I dream of being murdered, At least it'll be something interesting happened to me. I'm just a piece of shit, and I will die a piece of shit.
Death is a  funny thing, isn't it? People don't give a damn about you when you are alive, but when you are dead you get some sort of appraisal for when you were alive. Maybe I'm better off dead, but I'll wait for M and C to leave me. Maybe then I'll just shoot myself in the temple.
I'd grad my father 9mm Barretta and put 1 bullet into the magazine, then I'd load it, then I'd cock, press it against the back part of my temple, then pull the trigger,  the striker strikes the primer, then the small piece of led goes through my brain, destroying my brain stem and destroys my vertebrae, exiting through my next. Oh, what fun!",moderate
dev_pid_1014,Nothing helps : I can't stop thinking about killing myself. I just want this pain to end.,moderate
dev_pid_1015,God i think im gonna jump off a bridge : Im getting kicked out again my mom and i got into an argument and shes screaming at me pounding on my door telling me to leave. I have no where to go and no one to call i have no friends or family either its just me and my mom akd she hates me. I dont know what to do i feel so fucking alone amd tired of this. I cant help but think about how easy it would be to take a couple steps forward at the train station and end it i have nothing to stay here for nothing at all killing myself is going to be my only escape from this,moderate
dev_pid_1016,"Average : Why does my life suck?
Why do I fight and fail against a futile existance that, literally, has no meaning in the grand scheme of things?
Everyone says that everyone matters, but they don't. People die constantly and no one bats an eye to it. Just in reading this, at least 300 people must have died. And what were you doing? Typing this?
Reading this?
Nothing matters and nothing is sacred. People die on Christmas, Haunekah, New Years. Every day.
Nothing is special.
YOU aren't special.
You are not the 'final piece of the puzzle' you are not 'Mr. Right' you are not, in any form, a 'Choosen One.'
You will wake up, brush your teeth, go into work, mess everything up, come back home, mess everything up again, then go to bed.
No one will remember you for the good things. All anyone will remember you for is the fuck ups so they can turn to you and say, ""Phew, at least my life isn't as screwed up as THAT guy's.""
'Comfort' is just a means of feeling superior to someone. 'Compassion' is just a self serving lie that gives you the dopamine hit of feeling, for a brief singular moment, that something you do actually is meaningful.
It's not. The person will forget. People will forget. Pointless, dumb, and meaningless.
At least you had a good childhood. But even then that's just a set up for failure. A childhood so bland and uneventful that it could be forgotten like a waking dream. Pointless. You can't write on a college entrance paper 'I grew up in an average household with an average family who averagely loved each other' and expect to get anywhere.
Average.
Is there a more detestable word in the English language?
If you are average at something, you didn't do well or bad enough to be remembered, to have anyone care about it.
Average car, average kids, average wife, average job,
Average life.
You begin to wonder if anything you do will make an impact at all.
And you start to think of one thing that could.",moderate
dev_pid_1017,I can’t imagine my future : I can’t picture my future at all.  I can’t see myself living past 2-3 years from now.  I think I’ll be here but have no clue what my life will look like.  I have no direction and am just floating through life.  I have no clue what I want to do with my life and what I want to get out of life.,moderate
dev_pid_1018,"Finding this sub has made me realize I’m a lot worse than I thought I was. : Been years in the making. Substance abuse problems as well. 
Maybe I should just leave the sub and it’ll be a bit better
Know what I can do to potentially feel better. Just don’t want to do those things. 
Probably delete this later. Feel guilty about posting. 
Feel bad no matter so what’s it matter?",moderate
dev_pid_1019,I need death : Idk how long I can keep on going I’m so tired. I’m twenty atm but I can’t even remember the last thing that I was good at I have failed so much.,moderate
dev_pid_1020,"voice inside my head : I really should kill myself. I wish I had the guts to do it. Man, I'm so pathetic.
Just kill yourself already. Do you really think Mom and Dad will care? If anything, these last couple of days just confirmed that you're nothing to them.
Someone shoot me.
I hate myself so much. So stupid and slow. So ugly and disgusting. So much self hatred and self pity. Just eat a bullet already.
Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself T_____ Y___
How can someone even remotely like you when you can't even stand yourself, you dumbass. Just kill yourself.
I hate living with no reason.
Someone shoot me",moderate
dev_pid_1021,"I am feeling depressed but I am unsure how critical my situation is. : So I am felling depressed in the last weeks/moth and I think it's getting worse. I had some problems in the last few years. I started studying two and a half years ago. Altough I passed all my exams untill now my motivation for studying is fading away. I had high aims (like becoming a professor) but I realized that I can't reach them because I am just not good enough. I saw people who are much more better than me and I know that's normal but the fact that I was always the worst in terms of marks really depressed me and lead me rethink weather I am good enough for working in my field.
At the moment I have fears about my future. I am consindering to change my study subject. I am  thinking about how to end my studies as fast as possible so that I can work and support my family. But I am worrying about weather I am able to finish my studys. As I said I am not that good at studying and when I fail tests serveral times the last 2 - 3 years work would be for nothing. Moreover, I have sleeping issus and when I try to sleep I start thinking about my future and it stresses me. Sometimes I get strange feeling inside me. It feels like emptyness but also it's some kind of ""digging"". Difficult to describe. Also, other days I am feeling down, nervous and motivationless. When I am with friends I am feeling better but when I am alone preassure starts building.  I am thinking to go to a therapist but I am unsure if it would help me and if my situation is critical enough.",moderate
dev_pid_1022,I want to kill myself : but I can’t because I live with just my grandmother and if I’m gone theres not gonna be anyone to take care of her... but I don’t want to be here anymore.,moderate
dev_pid_1023,"The First Step Toward My Recovery Was Admitting I Needed Help : Sounds cliché, trust me I know, but it’s become a cliché for a reason. I’m the stubborn kind, specially when it comes to issues concerning myself or people that I love - I seem to always think I know exactly what’s wrong and how it can be fixed. So much so that a week ago I decided it was better to go to the ER to get a very minor symptom checked rather than waiting to go to my family doctor the next day. I went to them three times the same week because I was worried about my fucking bowel movements .. so unaware of my tendency to project my mental struggles on my body.  
The funny thing about all of this is that if someone had pointed that out to me I would’ve denied it without a second thought, not wanting to believe that I like to concoct scenarios that stray my own attention away from my real struggles. 
So that’s why I decided to write. To gain some clarity for myself for once. No bullshit, just unfiltered thoughts pouring out of me.. 
and halfway through was when it clicked for me.
The times my parents had tried to get me out of bed, to get me up for school, or the texts I’d receive throughout the day from my closest friends asking where I was and why I wasn’t there.. it became clear that they all knew way before me how horribly depressed I was. I wasn’t fooling anyone except myself.
I couldn’t get help because I didn’t know how to admit to myself how badly I wanted to mute the thoughts in my head. How I didn’t know how to trust myself or my opinions, my values, my emotions. So many times id rather not feel anything than to feel something because I thought my emotions were so invalid, minuscule and unimportant . 
And I was so sure everyone felt the same way.
It’s crazy to think how many people I’d use as anchors to enable these shitty views of myself and my self esteem. I liked to focus on other people because that way I could ignore my own inability to express what I felt and how I dealt with myself.. which was doing absolutely nothing. I’d do nothing for my own good.. I’d do it for the sake of my parents or my friends or my growing hunger for stability. It was always a race to see how far I would make it before collapsing into my bed for three days straight with my lights off and often a show in front of me or a book in my hand , telling myself I’d deserved the break because I’d exhausted myself the week before it - and that was true. My highs are always filled with days of me spending time outside and with my friends. School and work and parties and hangouts .. anything that would stop me from going home. That’s what I love, and also what I hate when I crash. Because that’s when I overthink every detail of my life. From my acne prone skin to my too skinny face or my slanted nose, how’d I’d looked in a picture or how I’d reacted to a situation . All running through my head at a speed that would be exhausting , so I’d rather turn it off by focusing on something or someone else , fictional or non fictional. 
I guess that’s also when I developed my eating disorder. When I would refuse to eat even a bite, lay in bed and starve because I’d eaten “too much” the past week. I’d spent my meal points for the week so I had to make up for it somehow, right? How else could I keep the only redeeming quality about myself? How else could I justify the amount of times I’d kneeled on the washroom floor to hurl after a night out? All that work couldn’t go to waste of course. 
I was so blind to it all. I used to think I had a “digestion problem” and that’s what I would get “nauseous” after every meal.. it was better to relieve it than to deal with the nausea the entire day.. wouldn’t you agree? 
Yet again, I’m sure the only one I was able to keep fooled was myself. 
I hope my point didn’t get lost in between all my ramblings. this is the real danger of writing purely and without any filters - sometimes you forget what you wanted to get to in the first place. I guess what I want to get at is how so incredibly relieving it became once I saw it for myself. Without the beer goggles on, without the denial clouding my judgement. I needed help. I took a long time to get it because I thought I could work out my “laziness”. But I never did. Not until I got some time for myself without worrying about school or maintaining an A1 social life. When I got to finally thinking. Starting therapy and seeing a dietitian was the best decision I could’ve made for myself, by myself. 
Nobody except me could’ve forced me to see how fragile I’d become.. 
I’m just glad it wasn’t too late.",moderate
dev_pid_1024,"Cut my legs (no blood just a fckton of marks) and it looks like a top down view of trenches and craters : Though It's oddly calming to feel my pulse in that area
The reason I can't draw blood is because I have no access to knifes, just sharp things I can find laying around",moderate
dev_pid_1025,"Came to a realization today : I'm going to die alone, whether that be from old age or from my own hands, it's inevitable at this point.  My friends finally realized they're better off without me.
I just want to be free from this hell.",moderate
dev_pid_1026,"I don't want to live in a world where I'm unwanted and treated as a mistake : I want to die, short story of it. 
I'm planning my suicide but I want to do it in the quickest way possible. I'm fed up of being told just wait a little longer and it'll get better. I've been waiting for it to get better for almost 9 years and it isn't getting better.
I'm trying everything to try and see the positive side. I took up evening classes, I am attending university to try and make a better life but just when I think I can make it then I am promptly reminded that sometimes not everyone has a good life. And that's okay, life isn't fair and I'm just one of those people who people will say ""oh, it's a shame she died so young. Why didn't she reach out?"" 
I did reach out, I did the antidepressants, I had the counselling. I tried I really really did and I hope I can be remembered for really trying.
It may be a while before I do actually kill myself while I plan it out.
I think the part I hate the most about it is how I'll be considered some sort of tragedy and my family will be pitied. Yet people don't know they're the reason I'm planning on killing myself. 
I can't cope with being a failure. I'm 28 years old and still being abused but I can't do anything about it at all. I can't even approach services because I'm not a priority. 
I tried though, I really did try to get better but I don't want to be alive and suffering anymore. I know people have it worse and they're living their to their best as they can but I'm just not that strong.",moderate
dev_pid_1027,About an hour ago I attemped again. I still feel sick. : I took a belt and tied it around my bed banister. I put my neck through the other end and just sat there by my neck for a minute. I started to black out a little and took it off. Then I took it off and cried for a while. I was going to use a zip tie. I couldn’t have gotten out of that. I’m so glad I didn’t die. I’m so glad.,moderate
dev_pid_1028,"It doesn't get better, it gets worse... : I'm just hoping that something, one little thing will make me genuinely happy or change how things are going, and nothing does.  I have too many demons and current problems to fight on a daily basis.  Pretending to be getting ""happier"" for my husband is killing me.  I'm drowning in pain right now and I just want to go back to being numb and in a daze like I have been for the last few weeks.  It always goes back to the numbness, sometimes I have to completely lose my mind first, but it never goes back to being okay.  Or good.  It's never really been good.  Maybe I can name a handful of minutes in my existence I could label as good or ""happy"", but everything else has been pain or numbness.
I just feel like I'm worthless and I shouldn't be here on a daily basis.  I know for a fact my family would be better off without me.  I don't need any of the ""but you do this"" bull, because I don't.  Everything I do, what little it is, could easily be done by someone else and in a happier tone and quicker.  At least once a month I cry so hard I practically drown myself.  It feels like I'm breathing underwater and my whole body hurts for days after.  I'm worthless, I can barely move after besides typing or scrolling through things to try and find something to numb the pain.  Someone who has it worse than me, which is everyone, because my pain is worthless since I'm worthless.  I just don't feel like anything is ever going to be slightly okay ever and I don't want to keep guessing if it will be.",moderate
dev_pid_1029,i was supposed to kill myself today : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1030,"Ready to die : Y’all know that feeling when like you realize that people laugh harder and more often when you’re not in the room than when you are? My friends continually deny that their lives would be better off without me and maybe they just don’t realize that it’s the truth but it is.
Tbh I don’t really have anything to offer anybody other than my emotional baggage and nobody needs that. I know committing suicide would hurt them but I’m just so ready to go. I wish there were away to just erase my existence and everyone’s memories of me so that I could be done with it all.",moderate
dev_pid_1031,This is the lowest I’ve ever felt : I’m gonna kill myself this month sometime. I have some pretty strong pills I’m gonna take and then drink a shit ton of alcohol. I hope my family will then finally see the pain I’ve felt all these years that they have continued to ignore. I hope they cry and feel guilty because they should. Peace.,moderate
dev_pid_1032,"Being inside and isolated is making my depression worse : Anyone else feel this way? All spring break plans were cancelled by my daughters dads family who only see us maybe 1 holiday out of the year. My personal family is crazy, my mom so abusive to me, I am dying for a break. After recently leaving my past job due to several deaths and abuse in the workplace I just have fallen into this place of stepping up and down a latter. Before this past week I felt a little hope stepping outside or having plans for us. Right now I’m so depressed. I understand a lot of this depression is circumstantial but Im just like come already, we’re my break so I can climb out of this hole? Now this virus and quarantines etc 
I know I need to list gratitude but it’s hard when your down. I feel like I just have no real friends, I will never find the one, so much hopelessness.",moderate
dev_pid_1033,Dying is the best thing I can do for myself and for everyone around me. : ,moderate
dev_pid_1034,"I'm with it enough to know that I'm not okay : I'm losing my mind, I know that I am so I suppose it's a good thing because I haven't gone off the deep end.  I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years.  Sometimes I think about punching myself and cutting  I dont usually act on it. Happy to say I haven't cut myself in about 7 years but I do hit myself, I've hit myself a lot tonight...
I'm really failing at work (first year teacher) I'm so scared they're going to report me for incompetence, I'm so nervous and freaked out I can hardly plan properly. 
The truth is I want to die, I'm on my own in the universe. People may know about my depression but the truth is its inconvenient to have. Because always tell me that I'm doing fine and I look great or whatever. No I don't look great! I look exhausted and sound very unhappy! If my face was cut up and bleeding I would that is a very good reflection of what is going on inside! 
So I'm just telling this to void because these thoughts keep floating in my mind.",moderate
dev_pid_1035,"Depression Bingo : This past few months has been one thing after another and I feel like There’s a shitty events bingo card out there with my name on it and I’m way out ahead to take the prize of a flaming bag of dog shit. Got dumped by text by the love of my life for an arranged marriage, my genetic disease became incredibly crippling, my landlord fucked up and nearly got me evicted over a paperwork error on their end, got raped, picked up a stalker, got told repeatedly at work nobody wants to work with me because of my disability, so called friends had me dragged away by the police and thrown into the psych cell, lost my job, got thrown in the psych cell again, and I might have cancer.  What the fuck is left?  I’m all for what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and all but at this point I should be able to bench press a god damn minivan. I was at my job for 14 years and they’re claiming corporate restructuring but that’s total bullshit, they fired me because of my disability. The job posting for my job was up on the board 20 minutes after they fired me. With no job I lose my benefits, including the $30K of drugs a year I need. I have to stop taking my antidepressants, arthritis drugs and migraine meds. I’m basically going to be lying on my floor barely able to function in about three weeks, not that I’m super functional now. 
Don’t know what to do next. Realistically I’m too sick to work full time but I’m single and I don’t really have a choice. Disability would pay about 65% of my rent, leaving me short on rent and nothing for food, transportation, utilities or other bills, so that’s not an option. I’m so tired and in so much pain all the time. The thought of looking and interviewing for a new job is more than I can take. I wish they had fired me when it was still truly winter so I could have got super drunk and passed out on the balcony and frozen to death. I nearly did it anyway but I still had a shred to hold on to. I don’t have anything left to lose anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_1036,"I’m at a crossroad... : I’m a 30 year old male. I’ve been suffering from anxiety and periodic panic attacks for 10 years. Although I seem like a happy genuine and likeable guy on the surface I have been fighting with anxiety and panic below the surface. Like a duck who seems to float peacefully on the surface on the water but is kicking below the surface of the water just to prevent itself from sinking.
6 months ago I decided to just stop resisting the panic and anxiety and just let is wash over me. I’m tired of fighting, there is no more energy left. For 10 years I’ve been trying to look at life from a bright perspective but I can’t do it anymore. 
Ever since that decision 6 months ago a feeling of depression crawling over me. For the past week these waves of depression and hopelessness came up so strong that I feel like I’m disassociating: I can only lie down and undergo the feeling, like I’m smothered by dread and terror.
For the past days or so I’ve been entertaining the thought of suicide. I don’t see a way out of this, and if this will be the quality of my life for the rest of my life I don’t feel like riding it out.
I still have 30 grams of cocaine (yeah... don’t ask me why...) which I’ve considered dissolving into a glass of water and drink all at once. On the one hand I feel that I shouldn’t do it but on the other hand the feeling of dread and terror are so goddamn intense that I just don’t care anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_1037,"It's crazy how depression is treated like a joke. : It's crazy how tens of thousands of people kill themselves every year. People care so much about shit like coronavirus because it can actually kill them, but nobody cares about depression because they know that they don't have it or can't get it. Some people are just permanently in complete despair at all times for years at a time and nobody cares or helps them because severely depressed people usually don't have many friends or loved ones anyways and then they get called selfish when they finally end their own lives. People don't think much of it because it just sounds like sadness which everyone experiences, but people don't understand what it's like to constantly hate every second of every day and hate everything about yourself. And everyone will just tell you bullshit like ""it gets better"" which it doesn't by the way, it gets worse and worse with every single day and nobody cares. I don't know why I'm typing this, I just sat in my room for like 17 hours and idk.",moderate
dev_pid_1038,"Sleeping the majority of the time because you don't want to die but you don't want to continue life either. : Getting off from work just to come home and sleep...that's literally all I do at this point. Sucks when you're an adult cause everyone thinks you're lazy and want nothing out of life balut how can I do anything else when I can't concentrate and I have no interests. Life is shit and then you die..what would anyone even want to live past their 20s, you only get weaker and weaker as time goes on.",moderate
dev_pid_1039,"Struggling with depression and ADD : I wanted to share my story and hopefully people can relate and have the courage to share their story as well.
I can first pinpoint when I started to experience depression about a year ago.
I had just left a place where I felt like was happiest about a year and a half ago and from there I only seemed to spiral downhill. I went from somewhere where I knew everything about the medical system on my state as I was born with Turner Syndrome and as part of that ADD as well, to somewhere where I have to explain my situation again and try to find a psychiatrist who will prescribe me ADD medication.
Over the last year and a half, I have struggled with dealing with how I am. I believe my depression has been caused by my ADD and the struggles I face daily.
As those who have ADD, you know more than anyone what a pain in the ass it can be to have. It has taken its toll on me and it has gotten to me over the past year than it has my whole life.
It has affected every aspect of my life from basic daily functioning to bouncing from job to job because my employers don’t understand ADD and it’s something very sensitive and not something I want to explain.
I am feeling the pain and struggle of not knowing how I am going to function as an adult in this world. I want nothing more than to have a full-time job that I love and being independent. What’s making me so depressed is that I don’t know when or if that will happen for me. All I want is to be able to provide for myself. I struggle with the fact that these things come so easy to others but for me seems so difficult.
I get easily disappointed whenever I forget something,
can’t seem to hold down a job or can’t seem to get anything accomplished. I am sensitive to rejection and it seems to affect me more than the average person. 
I know not everyone has it figured out at twenty but I don’t want to be a forty year old living with my parents and relying on them.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents but sometimes they don’t seem like they truly understand.
My dad in particular is my main struggle in my
relationship and he doesn’t have much patience or understanding and still 8 years since my diagnosis doesn’t understand how ADD works and affects me. I am constantly hearing from him that what I do is never enough which I believe has affected my self image and esteem and 
If I am being honest, I am tired of constantly having to legitimise myself and feeling like I am never enough.",moderate
dev_pid_1040,How do I stop feelings so empty all the time? I have no emotion except anger and emptiness. I just want to feel again. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1041,Damn depression really hit me bad i don't have anyone to talk about it : I'm am 18 yr old boy could really use someone to say something nice to me I've felt so lonely and uncomfortable could really use some help,moderate
dev_pid_1042,"Advice? : I think I may have depression, but i’m not quite sure. Ever since September and starting a new year in school I’ve just gotten continually worse and worse. I don’t have the motivation for anything, I feel like nothing I do is good enough for anybody. The tiniest things can make me angry and snap at other people which is the worst because i’m taking it out on others. I’m tired all of the time, and I spend most of my days at school by myself. I want to go back to the person that I was in summer but it feels like I have so many things to worry about and I just cannot cope with them all even though it seems like other people can which is making it even worse. It’s not like I don’t want to get better because I do I just don’t know where to start.",moderate
dev_pid_1043,"Seeing your doctor first, versus looking up therapists : I’m just wondering who can weigh in on their experience of making an appointment with your PCP to say you’re experiencing depression or anxiety, versus going online to search for what looks like either a good therapist for your specific concerns and/or an affordable one. 
I assume they refer you to someone/somewhere locally while bringing up possibly coming back to the office if medication becomes suggested? Are they supportive and appreciative that you came to him/her regarding your mental health - they didn’t make you feel more awkward about it? 
I’ve just been doing nothing (re seeing a doctor or therapist) because just getting the ball rolling would easily be pushing a thousand dollars on top of more credit card debt, (insurance doesn’t cover anything before you pay the $6500 deductible first) and my first two therapists were terrible when I was so excited to finally be getting therapy with high hopes, so I don’t have much confidence in throwing money at it a third time, but praying to God about how much I wish I were dead is getting to be too much. 
Anyway, I guess I’m just wondering what your insights are on seeing the MD for depression first. I’m also aware with what’s going on right now, I can’t do this any time soon anyway, but I’m severely depressed again and just trying to seek some sense of community about it versus something more damaging.",moderate
dev_pid_1044,"Help : I live alone, but I don't want to be alone right now.",moderate
dev_pid_1045,"Anyone else getting a little depressed from this virus situation? : Last year was the worst of my life. Delayed college graduation, my girlfriend of four years left me, I wanted to commit suicide couple of times. This year I wanted a fresh start and restart my life. I would wake up early, meditate, read, enhance myself, work on graduation, etc. I went crazy in the gym, etc. Then one of my ideals died Kobe, which made me very sad for the whole week. I then used the Mamba mentality as fuel to become the man I want to mentally and financially. Then this god dam virus hits and at first I thought it wouldn’t be that bad, but now I’m starting to feel depressed. This is not from the virus itself , but from how it affects us. No sports, no events, the stores are empty, people are fighting, can’t cough or touch anyone, everyone is on edge. I feel like something drastic will happen this year and I’m worried. And it just pains me to see all this going on. I can’t go to the gym now and I’m losing some motivation to work on myself. I see China and SK handle the situation, but in the US, I’m not optimistic. I am looking on Reddit everyday to see some sign of good news. I know it won’t end the world but it’s hard for me to be focused and to be happy during these times.",moderate
dev_pid_1046,"I’m on my last limb. I’ve tried but I can’t do it anymore. : I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to commit suicide. I just can’t do this anymore. I’ve achieved absolutely nothing in my life personally, professionally or romantically. I have managed to fuck up every relationship I have ever been in, whether it be significant others or friends, I have always fucked it up. 
I thought i was doing well for a while until I got fired from my last job and had to move back in with my family and I feel that I just can’t succeed in anything I do. I just can’t take failure anymore and I need to end this. 
On top of all this, I’ve found that the girl that I’ve been taking to, the girl that I’ve fallen in love with, has been cheating on me with the guy that she told me was just a friend. 
I’ve been up all night debating on how I want to end my life because it’s seriously time to end this shit. I really wish that I could make this work but I don’t think that I can.",moderate
dev_pid_1047,"Why do I do this to myself? : I fucked everything up, as usual. I tricked someone into thinking I'm fine when I'm really not. I felt like a burden to the person I was venting to. I can't even decide if I want help or not anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_1048,"Funny thing about depression... : While everyone's like OMg I MIght get CORoNa ViRus!
I'm like... god please just let me catch coronavirus and die lol.
Too bad i'm to young... just have to deal with the economic fallout ofthe world collapsing.",moderate
dev_pid_1049,"I just had a mental break down and was debating self harm : So, it's currently 5:16 am at the time of writing this. I've been almost nonstop crying for about an hour. 
I was crying about all the bad things I have going on in my life. A lot of things that have been negatively affecting me and how I function have been happening recently and I haven't been able to keep up with it. I've been crying a lot more recently as well. I hadn't cried for about 3 months until 2 weeks ago when I cried myself to sleep. Then a couple days later. I almost cried during school. And it doesn't help that I was sick for 3 days and didn't see my friends. 
I just don't really know what to do anymore. When I was crying, I went to go get water from my bathroom sink and when I looked in the mirror, I thought ""I look so much prettier with tears in my eyes, it really makes them pop, why don't I help make the look more complete with some blood or cuts"". Then I started to cry even harder and took my water and ran to my bed. I'm scared of myself now and what might happen as time goes on. I'm scared my problems will get worse everyday and I'll loose all my control over my sadness. I've felt it slipping from me. It was like this a couple months ago but I don't want to talk about those days. It's to far away. I just want to be happier. And all of this may be because of wacky teenage hormones but I'm still worried about it.  
I'm sorry if this was confusing. It was mainly just to trying to get me to calm down. And it worked. I need to go to bed now. Goodnight/morning reddit. And sorry again if this was really confusing and hard to read. I'll try to clarify later if questions are asked. Goodbye.",moderate
dev_pid_1050,"I don’t think I have much left in me. : My fiancée left me because of my depression, I see my kids a lot still, but she took them as well. She left me with the unfinished house so I’m paying 100% of the mortgage and requested child support while trying to finish the house myself because I can afford to pay professionals to finish it, then sell it, even though she will still get half. I am doing everything I possibly can to keep going, I work full time, though I hate my job, I exercise everyday I take my meds. But everything I try and do snowballs to shit. Life just keeps kicking me while I’m down and I just don’t know how much longer I can go. I feel so guilty because I would never do that to my kids but I’m just so exhausted in every way from putting in so much effort to fix myself but everything going wrong. I’ve been used chewed up and spat out and now I’m just stuck to the ground.",moderate
dev_pid_1051,"Why does food always work for my depression : I’ve tried medication, therapy, and I even went to a crisis center to get help with my depression. But the medication didn’t work, I felt like my therapist wasn’t helping that much, and I felt more depressed at the crisis center cuz there were people there who were worse off than me. Even before I got professional help, I would always rely on food to make me happy and it always did. Every time I eat, I feel so much better. Even though, people call me a pig and tell me to lose weight, I don’t give a f. As long as I don’t get obese, I just want to rely on food. It’s the only thing that makes me happy. Having friendships with people doesn’t make me happy as they just betray me and I regret putting all that effort in just to pretend that I’m okay. I think that I’ll be fine off alone.",moderate
dev_pid_1052,"Family members that I hardly know me telling me ""to stop being depress."" :  Okay so I grow up with almost zero close family besides both my parents and 3 sister and Just one uncle, most other family members are in a different country. Just grow up with 2nd and third cousins. 
But about a month ago I heard my dad talking on the phone with my uncle or Some family member I've never meet. Telling them how I just stay in my room all day and don't do much. Also I work from home don't have a fix schedule. He handed me the phone and had to talk to this person I never meet telling me how I need to get a girlfriend how I should go out more often. Obviously he was telling me this cause he cares but If you know how it feels to be unmotivated and depress that's the last thing you want to hear specially from people you never meet. Yet my dad has never talked to me about how i'm feeling or if I'm okay. And last night another uncle that I never meet told me the same shit the first uncle told me.  I was feeling happy the past month now that I know my entire family probably knows I'm a depress 24 year old is not really helping me whatsoever.  I don't want to make a big deal about this but how do I tell my dad to stop telling everyone my business. 
 Also both of them did not tell me Stop being depress, But the way they talked to me was pretty much the same thing.",moderate
dev_pid_1053,"Hi there. : I can't face the day when I wake up. I spend most of my time that I'm not at work in bed doing nothing, but around friends and family I act all chill but inside I feel empty.
At work, I spend half my time just staring at the computer, I don't do my studying or anything really, I am just not motivated.
I have a doctor's appointment in a couple if weeks, but I know I will downplay how I feel and put on a happy front.
I'm near breaking point, and I don't know what to do. I feel trapped and there's no one I can, or will talk to.
Everything just feels meaningless and cold and empty.",moderate
dev_pid_1054,"don't know : The questions. They're there. They're asked. All the time. What are you going to do after this? After school? After moving out? After becoming an adult? Oh, needn't you worry, for I have the meticulously composed socially acceptable answer for you, an answer that will, with repeated regurgitations, surely make me believe it myself. Yes, of course I know where I'm going and yes, I am looking forward to my future. Why wouldn't I be? I have a good life, with a wonderful family and an opportunity for good education. I still live at home with my parents. I barely have any expenses or daily stresses to worry about, and I haven't dealt with any particular hardships that would seriously affect me. Truly, I have no idea what I'm doing here. I'm okay, I am. Very much so. Better than okay, actually. I'm great, I am. I really should be.
so i don't know why i still feel like this
I'm typing away on here at 5:27 in the morning because I can't find the energy to sleep. *I'm too tired to sleep.* This isn't the first time, and it won't be the last. I don't get it. It should't be like this. I have no reason to feel like a spectator in my own body, watching me get in my own way, dually mocking and pitying myself. 
*What are you doing?* 
I don't know. I don't. What *am* I doing? Why am I here? There's nothing wrong with me, so why am I slapping all of this onto a subreddit dedicated to those who actually need it? All I can answer is, ""I don't know"", and I hate that. I fell like that is the culmination of my being. A big, tired, useless, I don't know.",moderate
dev_pid_1055,"Is there a way to seek psychological help without telling your family? : I’m a teenager.
I don’t like self-diagnosing but I’ve been feeling depressed, miserable and lonely for too much time now. 
Lately I’ve been feeling even more down than usual and I self harmed for the first time. 
I usually try to self medicate by drinking alcohol, smoking and things like that. 
I didn’t have access to cigs or anything else and I needed a way to release my feelings. Sometimes I hurt myself (not cutting, but intense scratching or biting) due to angry outbursts. 
I don’t know what to do. I would like to get better but I don’t wanna talk to my family about this. They wouldn’t understand. 
What could I possibly do?",moderate
dev_pid_1056,Getting help : I wish depression would be treated just like any other illness. Like if people would treat depression the way they treat a broken bone or a ruptured appendix I would have no problem asking for help. It's the fact that my depression has made me feel like less of a human being that's preventing me from getting help. Agh this sucks,moderate
dev_pid_1057,"Is there any place I can find reliable information on how to successfully commit suicide? : I wouldn't be able to recover should I ever try and fail. I'd just keep trying over and over and over again. If I could, because I suppose people kinda get onto you after they realize you're for real when you say ""I want to die."". And that would only make matters a thousand times worse, because I feel like my life would not be my own if I don't have the right to end it. I don't want to live just because other people may want me to.
I'm not asking for help.
I'm asking you to help me die. 
In peace.
Just PM me if accurately replying to my question would violate the sub's rules (and I'm fairly sure this post itself does?).",moderate
dev_pid_1058,"I can’t motivate myself to do anything that involves leaving my house : I (21/f) used to always be working two jobs, going on trips, or just generally never home but for the past year and a half I’ve been a unemployed stay at home homemaker to my bf after working shitty jobs made me incredibly depressed due to having no free time, but now that I have all the time in the world I’m still depressed and just never leave the house unless it’s a spur of the moment quick grocery run. I can’t ever see myself seeing a therapist because #1 money and #2 there’s no way I could see myself not being a lazy piece of shit and actually go to more than one session. It’s to the point where I’ve had incredibly painful joint pain DAILY for over a year that a normal person would have seen a doctor for immediately, but nope not me I’ll just keep telling myself one day I’ll set up a appointment and even if I did when it came around I’d just not go. I’m so fatigued all the time and spend everyday just watching videos, overthinking every aspect of myself, smoking weed, (it was like this before weed) and playing the same 2 video games I have for years because even though I’d love to pick up a new game even that’s too exhausting. I hate myself so much for becoming like this just doing nothing with my life but I don’t know how to break it. Even if I wanted to do something, I live in a incredibly shitty rural town where there’s nothing but grocery stores and even that’s a 20min+ drive.",moderate
dev_pid_1059,"Lifes kinda hard, huh : Its just so hard to find reason for doing anything anymore. All emotion that was there has disappeared is gone now, that scares me. Its doesn't help that constantly being complained at especially during school. Just because I fucking die my hair doesn't make gay, bigots.
I just don't what to do anymore, no one really cares about me so ill just say in bed for the time being, peace",moderate
dev_pid_1060,"I thought I was okay, but I'm really not : Alright so,
I've been feeling like this for quite a while. I don't know if it's depression, I didn't have it diagnosed, but it might be. I just wanted to share with somebody. I was alright after I moved. I really was. Then it all started spiraling down again. I don't feel okay, I feel that nobody likes me. Not really.
I feel underappreciated and like everything I do is in vain, because nobody cares. I don't know if the reason I try so hard is to prove other people I'm not a piece of shit or that I'm not useless, or to prove it to myself. I feel so lost and I don't even know why, because I have almost everything a person needs. I SHOULD be happy. But the only thing I feel like is crying, and it's like nothing's inside me anymore - just guilt sometimes for things I shouldn't even feel guilty about because they're normal, and sometimes a deep sadness.
What hurts the most is, I thought I'd changed and that I was finally okay. But I tried everything and there's nothing I can do to make myself feel better, or whole, or like something's not fucking wrong with me.  Because I'm pretty sure I'm broken, like, something in my head might be ""wired"" in the wrong way.
Also, please don't suggest that I talk to a psychiatrist or therapist, because I am financially unable to. I have contacted someone who offers some discount under certain circumstances, and the person said they'd contact me when they have an available spot, but that was three months ago and they didn't contact me yet.",moderate
dev_pid_1061,"Well, that's about it : I am done. I am a complete failure, and I am poison to any human being around me. My body is failing and yet I am supposed to just ignore it. My mind is now worthless due to medications I nave to take to live. I cannot keep on like this and there seems to be nothing I can do to change it short of becoming a complete moron, which I guess I am anyway. I give up. Not sure why I am even posting this but I felt I should say this to someone. Not sure exactly when I am going to pull the plug, but there is absolutely, irrevocably no way to avoid it. My life has sucked, is sucking and will suck. I am done.",moderate
dev_pid_1062,"No, it doesnt always get better... : Sure, it CAN get better but people always say it with such certainty when in reality it isnt true.",moderate
dev_pid_1063,"What is the point? : What is the point of living i know it may sound sadistic but all we do is just exist. 
What do we do exactly? We just be born and that’s it we just accept our fate of doing a endless cycle of going over the same things like going to do a degree or education meet people go on holidays or when your homeless beg for money find places it just feels like there has to be more from here on out if not it is just worthless to be alive I know we can carry on a family legacy or give the future something but what even is there to give there’s going to be a end at some point 
If I knew how to put this into better words to make people understand I would but it’s hard tell people because they look at you like your a looney or a loser anyway hope you can understand what I’m trying to say",moderate
dev_pid_1064,"I have terrible luck with therapy. I been waiting for 4 months. : I had to wait 3 months for an appointment. A week before my appointment they had to re schedule it for a month since my therapist was going on vacation. I just went to my first session last week and it just got canceled until atleast mid april due to corona virus. 
This fucking sucks. I quit therapy last time years ago because I was kinda “ping ponged” between different therapist. 
Im so mad.... i’m trying to get my life together and now I just have to sit here again. I understand COVID19.... im just ranting about my bad luck.",moderate
dev_pid_1065,"I'm not sure how much longer i can last. : The last year has been so terrible, everything has gone to shit and I'm just not happy anymore. Things changed in January when i met this girl that i really fell for, she is now my girlfriend, but i haven't met her in 3 weeks due to me being on a school trip to Spain, and then I got quarantined for 2 weeks because of said trip. This last week and the first week of my quarantine has been terrible. I have had no social life and it has been hard not to see my girlfriend for so long. Sitting inside all day has just given me time to overthink everything happening in my life and I just can't take it anymore. And to make matters worse, by girlfriend got quarantined on saturday so i won't be able to see her for atleast another 2 weeks. And by that time my overthinking has probably got to me and I have become an emotional mess, more so than what I am at the time of writing this. This entire situation is driving me insane.",moderate
dev_pid_1066,"My current conditions : I am in a country where depression is like a pseudo-concept or something, people don't believe in it. They think being sad = depression that's why everyone uses word ""depressed"" when they are actually sad. I hate these kind of people with bottom of my heart. There is limited to none ""SKILLED"" therapists here (I used skilled cause there are 1000s of fake degree holders)  so people with depression don't get any treatment. Even if anyone is lucky enough to find a therapist, they will charge you very high. People who commit suicide here due to any particular reason are considered coward in the society and their family is blamed to not be able to raise them properly. Depressed people are considered unlucky for society and are left alone a lot of time.
I don't know if I have depression or not but I have been in an apathetic state constantly for around 6 years now. I don't get any emotions but sometimes I feel like crying.  But I try to do my best not to show anything to people around me and have a fake smile always on even if I am having a very hard time holding that smile. I am a student so I try to focus on my studies but cannot do that. I try to divert my mind and go on a spree of binge watching shows, movies or videos for hours and hours. I know I won't commit suicide ever but I think I won't be able to escape this state of constant unwanted sadness my whole life.",moderate
dev_pid_1067,"Everyday life is a hollow, meaningless stage of existence... : Everyday, I wake up.. before I have my first thought, I think: why am I still here? Its become a hollow point of meaningless everyday bullshit... I am tired of waking up and forcing myself to smile and wear a mask of a “healthy” face to others so I can mask my own mental suffering and torment. I have had many thoughts of death and suicide, as well as the ideation of self-death... Listening to music and watching videos online relating to how I feel because it somehow makes me validated in my self decay. I have pushed away many in my life and now I sit alone in my room, wasting days and nights of this mediocre life. Family is what I have left, a singular thread that keeps me anchored to this life and that is also starting to fade.. I have been seeing a doctor for a diagnosis and hopefully they can provide me with some form of remedy for this... if not, there I will be endowed by the choice of suicide.. maybe not today, or tomorrow but someday down the line when I am weary enough to end my life.. I sort of envy those that have passed before me and I will soon follow suit as they have had the strength to carry out their own demise... I just turned 29, and yet everything in life has become nullified, dull, with no sense of purpose or meaning...",moderate
dev_pid_1068,"""Successfully joined r/Depression!"" and isn't that depressing? : I'm a writer at heart, as clumsy and disjointed as the results are. Here's something I drudged up, fit more for a journal than for the eyes of strangers, but if you'd care to read it go ahead. It started out being about a chronic, compulsive procrastinator's flaws and excuses, but changed into something more. Maybe you'd see something familiar, but maybe not. I don't know if that means good things for you or for me.
**The Boy Who Feels (Or, Instead of Being Productive, Here I Am)**
I wonder how deep the fault lies, heavy and comfortable and there. Contrary to my complaints, to my criticisms, the unfair sharpness of my judgements, I’ve always been an optimist. Or perhaps I was just arrogant. I still am.
It shows in my recklessness, my impulsiveness. In nights not spent studying and a wandering mind behind the wheel. It speaks of a carelessness that’s selfish and detached and unkind. A non-living thing, upon which life happens and nothing more.
Once, I believed it was simply how I operated. Half-dreaming—or perhaps half-dead— and stolen away by everything and anything that’s simply not *here*. In lieu of eyes, I saw fit to walk through life with my terrible, callow heart. Instead of ears, I feel out the rhythm and the noise, the rise and fall and there I decide. I write and I talk and I think and I answer based on the churning of something inside of me  I cannot clearly name. On the sense of anticipation, such as before a drop or a fall or something equally dire and dramatic, that stays my hand and says *wait*.
*Choose another.*
*What else?*
*Something more.*
*That’s not it.*
*Start over.*
And sometimes.
*There.*
I’ve always trusted it. For everything. Whether it’s deciding on which path to take or what letter to choose, I’ve always relied on this inner knowing that I am nevertheless not privileged to unravel. It might just be what kills me, in the end.
Because with it, I never know when to stop. When to start thinking and not just acting and following and feeling. By blinding myself so willingly, I doom myself to never knowing until long after my foot missed the landing and I fall and fall and fall.
It is arrogance of the highest kind. To trust so completely on the unknown and uncontrolled mechanisms of your own mind that you actually feel surprise when the answer it supplies turns out to be wrong.
And sometimes, sometimes I use it to pick at reality. *How far can I go before everything collapses? How deep can I twist the knife before my life is irreversibly, horribly destroyed?*
The origins of this strange fixation is long forgotten or simply not made known to me. I don’t know when the longing for the summery start of a hero’s adventure corroded into a morbid fascination for the bitter, winter ending of a villain cut down, left to die alone and forgotten and unforgiven.
I cannot help the way my soul quails at the thought of pain, of suffering. But deeper still, I think a large part of me simply knows that I deserve it.
It’s a conundrum, really. It’s difficult to chase that suffering when there’s so many variables at play. Far too many people who have made the poor choice of getting attached, of investing their time in something that’s always waiting to be destroyed. The trappings of family and friends and innocent hearts too quickly broken.
Perhaps if I had been born in a different context, I could have done it easily. Took the blade or stole the gun or locked the rooftop door behind me. It’s simple to imagine, simpler still to actually follow through. There would’ve been no regrets, I don’t think, but how could I know?
Everything would have lined up so easily. I was already born to kill myself; I just need the right incentive. And yet, time and time again, something holds me back. Such a terrible thing, conscience, how it keeps me caged and wanting. I’m a man on borrowed time, when is it going to run out?
Maybe I was never meant to survive my birth. The privilege certainly belongs to greater men and women than I—my brother and my sisters, for one. Perhaps they would have loved being alive. Loved it better, stronger, far less selfishly.
Angel. *Messenger of God.*
Mary Grace. *Beloved; to thank.*
Bryan. *Noble.*
Perhaps they would’ve cherished it, their names, and not grow to hate it—and the ones who gave it to me, just a little—like I have. Perhaps they would’ve been happy and sometimes I think that I’m simply the result of their frustration from never really having the chance to live. After having fought so hard to exist, mine seems like a bitter sigh mistakenly given form after they have finally given up; there’s enough spite, I believe, to justify it.
If they’re with me, I’d like to say that I admire their efforts to remain. The first few years of my life were naive yet blissfuly full of wonder and hope. Far too many for a single child, sometimes, but maybe I wasn’t. I just wish they experienced their lost childhood in a better way, for far longer, before I inevitably destroyed even that.
Light may filter down onto shadows but definition demands that only one of them exists in a single space at a time. Where there is light, there is no darkness; where there is darkness, there is no light. Similarly, though they may occupy me for a time, it’s obvious that their hold is not everlasting. I exist too.
I miss their presence. They could’ve been happy and by extension, maybe I could’ve taken a little of that happiness for myself. Stored it away, deep down, for when it needs to be there before possibility becomes *it is done*.
I do wish to be happy, though I’m slowly realising that it’s less about opportunity and more about capacity. Maybe it’s my fault, maybe it isn’t. But then I never really do anything about it so maybe it is, after all.
Our counsellor said that I should stop thinking about it. Would you believe that it actually works? Of course, it does sear a little deeper, a little more violently each time but it does remove its immediate presence. It makes me laugh a little to visualise it, the sheer ridiculousness of asking someone to close their eyes instead of teaching them to turn away from the cliff’s edge. Funnier still that I want to keep walking, the knowledge safely and sweetly tucked between my ribs. It won’t break my fall, but is it so bad to not want it to?",moderate
dev_pid_1069,"Happy dark thoughts : Today I went for a walk in the main part of town, so there were a lot of cars. I couldn’t help but think how badly I wouldn’t mind if a car hit me and I died. No one would be curious as to why I died because it was an accident. No one would feel like they didn’t do enough because it was an accident. It would be an accident and I wouldn’t have to deal anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_1070,"Every day it’s REALLY hard to leave my bed : F19. My body and mind are just too tired. I sleep for like 12 hours everyday but it’s still too hard to leave my bed. I also go to bed really late because my mind and negative thoughts keep me up. I wake up in the late afternoon. I fight a lot about it with my parents but they just don’t understand. I quit school because of a burn out, anxiety and my depression. (October 2019)
I feel totally helpless about all of it...",moderate
dev_pid_1071,"My life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do anymore : 
Self harm and sexual abuse triggers
—————————————————————————
I was forced to come out to my family because someone I had told was going to out me. Ever since my parents have been looking at me differently, I’ll notice side glances, I feel like they wish I was straight. My sister has always been in my corner, even against our own parents. She’s always supported me, and I am so proud of how far she’s come in life.
If I can’t feel comfortable as myself around my parents, who can I then? I found respite in a relatively new friend. He and I relate on a lot of things. Ever since we started having serious conversations, we’ve become each other’s emotional dumping grounds. We’ve been kind of charging each other up into a big bomb, I don’t mind if I get caught in the explosion.
I look at our relationship and I know it isn’t healthy for either of us. You know how there are somethings you don’t talk about with people? We don’t have that, we can go from memes to our sexual traumas in less than 5 minutes. We kind of mesh in the least healthy way possible. 
I’m an extremely anxious and depressed person, I’ll spend days on end locked in my room alone. I’m not going to air out my friend’s business because that’s not my place. We lock into each other like puzzle pieces. We’ve been openly plotting our suicides together. It feels great to talk about planning on dying without hearing “you’ve got your whole life ahead of you”, for context neither of us are even 19, neither of us are younger than 17. 
I’ve noticed something about myself that’s kind of been eating at me lately. With how much time we spend talking to each other. I think I might be developing feelings for him? Idk, I’ve just been feeling so validated because someone finally listens to what i have to say without judging me. He makes my chest feel tight, and that upsets me. I know nothing can happen between us because neither of us will be alive long enough for something to flourish. 
I just know that when my time comes, I’m going to shred my arm with my razor blades and fade out messaging him, if he’s still alive when I do it.
I fell back into cutting, and I’ve been fucking destroying my thighs over the last week after stealing a 100 pack of razor blades. My most recent cuts are from 10 minutes ago now. It’s developed into a sort of addiction I think. I’ll be moodier than usual all day because I’m looking forward to the night so I can lock myself in the bathroom and destroy my body without being interrupted. I’m literally planning my days around my release at night. 
I tried to overdose recently, that puts me at attempt 3. I hope 4 is much more effective, because I’m tired of feeling empty.
Even before my family knew I was gay I was still the black sheep. Mainly because of my interests. I’ve always had an affinity for the occult and true crime. I feel like my parents focused more on my other siblings rather than me. My older brother was always screaming and trying to fist fight my dad, he would punch holes in walls and try to manipulate us. My younger sister got attention because she was the youngest. Because of my brother, loud noises and arguments freak me the fuck out.
I was unremarkable and I didn’t cause problems. So I guess I faded into the back while they took up their time. 
I had to grow up fast and I feel like I was robbed of a childhood. I was molested by my cousin for years through my adolescence. Which fucked up my current sex life. I don’t like being touched in certain areas. Makes me cry and have anxiety attacks. It was happening like 30 feet away from my entire immediate family, always behind that same bush at my grandparents’ home. It’s not like she didn’t know that it was fucked up, she was old enough to know that fondling someone when they’re saying no is wrong. I still feel small when I think about it, I feel small and scared and helpless. 
She still tries to text me, the last time I saw her was 8 months ago I believe. Nobody except for my friend knows what she’s done to me. 
Typing that out made me want to slice the artery in my thigh. 
Honestly the only good thing I’ve got so far this year is my friend. Maybe under different circumstances, if we weren’t so fucked up, maybe there could be something between us. It won’t happen now, if there’s an afterlife maybe things are better there. 
I just, need him around while I am still here. I don’t know if I could be okay alone. I’m barely alright now, so I don’t know what I’d do without him.
My heart is breaking and I hate it, I shouldn’t feel this way for my friend. I want it to stop but I can’t make it. 
Why do I feel this way",moderate
dev_pid_1072,This is not life. I want to live. : It feels like the ground under my feet is dying and crumbling. How  does life feel like for you?,moderate
dev_pid_1073,"I could just use someone to talk to. Very alone and very depressed. : Title explains it. I have much to let out, I am in therapy and it does help but it is only once a week currently. With the coronavirus right now I don’t know if it’s right to ask my therapist for more days. I don’t want anyone to fix me, I just want to talk.",moderate
dev_pid_1074,"Depression and Crying : I cry frequently, almost every day but lately it seems to be getting worse. It's as though I've lost every last shred of hope that my situation will ever improve and today my crying was so intense as to leave a painful lump in my throat. I wish I could pass away. I wish someone could be here to hug me and tell me everything will be okay but no one cares.
I wish I could do almost anything other than what I am doing which is laying in bed crying day after day but there seems no other option.
I feel like I should get out of bed and go for a walk or something but I don't want to go outside because I am a teary mess and everyone will see me crying. 
I don't know what to do. Can anyone help?",moderate
dev_pid_1075,"I’m so tired of being useless : I can’t keep a job because of my mental health. I care an extreme amount about what people think of me and I’m super sensitive to criticism and “bad vibes” in the workplace. 
I have very bad panic attacks and bouts of depression. So I can’t stay employed. I’ve quit every job I’ve ever had because I just couldn’t handle it.
 I know that people look down on me for being a grown adult who’s unemployed and lives with their mom.  and that makes it even worse. I hate this. What’s the point of living if I can’t work to get money to do things? I hate myself for being like this. I feel like I’m just waiting to die. I’ve tried meds and therapy and exercise. I’ve tried “just pushing myself a little harder.” 
Nothing helps. If I can’t be a useful member of society and hold down a job then what’s the point? I might as well die.",moderate
dev_pid_1076,"Death : I don’t know why I feel this way.
I feel like if I don’t have a family member death I can’t be depressed.
I feel like I’m using it as an excuse for me to be lazy and that people are talking about me behind my back. Like every time I turn around someone comments on something. And I’m scared my self-harm will manifest into actually cutting. And I also think my depression will turn into trying to end it all. That I will become my own enemy 
And, well, I’m just scared of everyone, including myself.",moderate
dev_pid_1077,struggling w basic needs : i feel so useless sometimes like why can't i just go brush my teeth or shower? like what's really so difficult about these basic things that make them so unappealing to do and such... i can't be the only one who has struggles like this can i?,moderate
dev_pid_1078,"Done : I’ve never felt this empty, frustrated and lifeless ever. 
I feel like I have no control over my life because every time I start to spiral I don’t do anything for days and I’ve been crying myself to sleep for a week now I’m so exhausted, I don’t feel like eating unless I feel like I’m about to pass out the pain is really unbearable but what I’m most worried about is that when I stop getting things done because of this and my entire life stops and I just do nothing for days Im letting the goals I set for myself slip away like I’ve gotten into my dream university but why don’t I care at all if I don’t get the grades I’m meant to then I won’t be able to go. It scares me so much I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I feel motivated and then when I spiral I don’t do shit. It’s hard to do things you want to when you don’t really get instant satisfaction from it. 
I just feel like nothing brings me even a little joy like things I liked doing before I also associate now with these negative feelings because I feel like I do everything wrong and I’m not consistent with anything in my life so it feels like a huge mess and then there’s the pain of being deprived of affection from family, physically too. I just know that when I feel the way I do it hurts so badly but it would all be better if someone just hugged me you know and it makes me even more hurt knowing so many people get that so easily and it’s normal for them.",moderate
dev_pid_1079,"will i ever get better? : sometimes i feel like ive peaked somehow, that whatever hatred or negativity i have will forever stay with me, and its just apart of who i am
nothing will ever change, and it sucks to know that i'll never be any happier than this",moderate
dev_pid_1080,"I'm deeply longing for my death!! I wish I could die calmly!! : Jus tired of everything! Dissappointed at everyone and everything in my life! There's no shoulder I could relay on!! 
Family and Real life friends don't really care about my frelings. Also I'm struggling. I literally have no motivation to study I'm always wasting time on internet talking with people. Because as soon as I open book all regrets and sad thoughts come up!!
I'm also losing my eye sight sight I think. Even with specks I can't see longer distances. And I suck at everything and I'm socially awkward! Wish God please take this life! I've asked you this a million times.. but u never granted this. Hope you will grant this wish soon!",moderate
dev_pid_1081,"I want it all to end : I want to kill myself so much. But, I'm too scared to do it and I don't want to hurt my parents. No one else would care. 
It's so hard living like this, I have no motive to be alive. It's painful living through one day. And there are 365 in a year. And if I live as long as most, I will have to live another 70 odd years. Just to fuck me, there is an extra day every 4 years. Because the large amount I already live with wasn't enough.
It's unfair that younger people have such a low mortality rate with Covid-19. My one wish is too die in a way that would hurt my parents the least.
I want help, or just someone to reach out and make me feel cared for. But, I know I'll just be annoying if I reach out or ask someone to talk, I'm too nervous and anxious to anyways. 
There is no joy in my life. I'm going to be stuck in my home for 2 weeks or so with my thoughts and I won't be able to go out with friends and feel happy for the short amount of time I'd be out and about. 
I feel so genuinely unfixable. No one can make me feel happy long enough or make a significant enough impact that I start getting better. Instead, I'm slowly dying inside and it's getting worse on the daily. 
Sorry for bothering anyone who read this. I shouldn't have been so inconsiderate and posted this in the first place.",moderate
dev_pid_1082,"Quarantined and depressed : While isolation is my goal most days, being forced to isolate seems dangerous.
My depression has been escalating for a while now and I’ve noticed myself isolating more. Getting sick and being quarantined has amplified the isolation to become all encompassing. I know I need to talk to people but they will only worry. I’d rather just get sick and die without anyone being the wiser. It saves them the misery and me the knowledge that I made people’s lives worse than I already have. Seems like a win/win.",moderate
dev_pid_1083,"I'm tired : I'm ready to go to sleep and never wake up. Don't worry, I have no intention to go and kill myself, I don't have the guts. 
But I am really tired. And lonely. I know no one really cares so whatever. I'll just keep on living and being miserable and alone, because it seems like the only thing I can do. Probably I'll delete the post tomorrow because it's cringy af and I'm embarrassing enough as it is.",moderate
dev_pid_1084,"FUCK LIFE NO CAP : I literally have no reason to be thinking this way I just don’t wanna be here anymore. Shit that used to seem fun is just boring now. The only thing I can think about is how bad I just want to die, and how people would be better without me because tbh it’s true I’m a pos stoner fucking loser that doesn’t deserve to be alive imo. I fucking wish I could remover what true happiness is and the worst part is that I always try to hide it because I just got out of an inpatient and I’m not tryna go back at all",moderate
dev_pid_1085,"Being stuck at home is triggering my depression :( : It’s easier when you have something to do, somewhere to be.",moderate
dev_pid_1086,"How can I support my depressed loved ones? : I, myself don't suffer from Depression, but I have a loved one who does. I'm not sure if this is the right subreddit, and I am aware depression is subjective to each individual.
But is there anyway I can help, support? I can't and don't want to lose them.
I've tried asking them how I can help in any way but they can't think of any way I can.
I appreciate your help ❤️",moderate
dev_pid_1087,"I was told that everyone faces the same problems and emotions I face. : I’m pretty sure not everyone wakes up in the morning and thinks about how much they hate themselves. I’m pretty sure not everyone thinks about killing themselves 10+ times a day. I’m pretty sure everyone else keeps up their personal hygiene because they want to feel better about themselves. If I hate myself inside, why would I take time to take care of my body outside for everyone else? I was told that everyone puts on a face and pretends to be happy when they go to work. I don’t think people with depression would agree that everyone else faces these issues like we do.",moderate
dev_pid_1088,"I have everything and I'm sad, what's next? : I stopped enjoying things, I stopped giving a fuck in general. I'm surrounded by people but I feel alone, I'm sad af 24/7. I feel numb and have no emotions. What's next?",moderate
dev_pid_1089,"How to prevent crippling depression from coming back during self quarantine ? : I live in a studio by myself so I don’t even have any flatmates to talk to! I keep my depression under check by being active and being regular at the gym. Whenever I stay home alone for days without human interaction, my depression comes back. And I’m afraid when they announce quarantine in my city, during this time my depression will come back and be at it’s worse. I have worked so hard to keep it under control....",moderate
dev_pid_1090,"Nurse suicidal after workplace injury : I was assaulted working as a nurse in mental health where a patient threw hot water and I sustained serve second degree burns and a perforated(hole) in one of my ears. 
As of now my burns have healed really well,  I did struggle with body image for quite some time as a result of my scars. 
After 3 failed operations there is still a small perforation of eardrum which hasn't improved my hearing. Which is currently my main concern.
A few months after I'm working in another ward. 3 months into it, I finding myself with crushing anxiety due to the constant state of my inability to sometimes accurately hear my colleagues or patients/family and this anticipation of a mistake waiting to happen and the frustration having to ask people to repeat themselves got too much. 
I had to leave. Been off work for a few months. Travelled. 
I've just lost it. My motivation. My list for life. The thought of people dying and yet not feeling suitable to work in thoses areas because I feel like dying at times.
I'm feeling very guilty at points have suicidal ideations. I have the opportunity to return back to work but my fear instincts kicks in. Is my passion and purpose for the job not bigger than my current circumstance. Or am I just lazy? Thoughts? 
Thank you for reading",moderate
dev_pid_1091,"It's the perfect time to kill myself.... : If I do it now, my co-workers will be able to earn a little more during this crisis of getting our hours cut. I won't become a burden to my parents when I can't pay any of my bills. No one will miss me until the pandemic is over. It's the perfect time...This truly shows me that progress is stupid. Nothing matters.",moderate
dev_pid_1092,"I can't find the energy to do anything : I sleep 8 hours a night
I sleep for another 2 hours throughout the day. I legit just have to nap otherwise I can't survive the rest of the day.
I wake up extremely tired and I don't know what to do.",moderate
dev_pid_1093,"I am depressed. : Hello, i am someone with depression, however I did not went to the doctor to have a check-up. My family have no idea i have depression and it have been on going for quite a few years. (around 3 years?) and each year... i feel worst n worst. i feel suicidal. i have trouble loving myself, finding things that makes me happy. ""Happiness"" this word just seems so out of reach......  
i have been keeping depression from my family and i always seems cheerful to them. it hurts... one moment i can be crying in the shower and when i come out, i act like i'm fine.  
i cant explain depression. its something that is pulling me down so badly. i want to get it out badly, but i cant. it just seems like something is stopping me. i feel so tired n unmotivated to do anything. i feel like im barely surviving each day.... i m living each day by each day...  
i started sharing my personal stuffs to my friends... because i can't cope it myself.. but its so hard to tell someone also because i cant seem to explain what is depression and they dont get it. i wouldnt want to burden them by telling them when i feel depressed n suicidal... but i want to talk to someone about it as its killing me....  
i have a boyfriend for around 9 months... he have been v supportive of me and helped me whenever i feel depressed. but few months ago, we have a big fight and he seems to be giving up on me. not his fault either..... i have been pushing him away everytime because i feel worthless. he almost went into depression because of me too.... i feel so bad...... burdening everyone....... i really feel like im lost. i started cutting myself on and off few months back.. n today i cut myself once again.... i feel like a trash cutting but i just cant seem to convey my feelings.... i tremble whenever i cry... i feel so weak. i am rly at a loss... n once the day pass, i have to act happy everyday and cry whenever im alone...",moderate
dev_pid_1094,"someone just tell me it’s gonna be okay : my school is closed for a while now and i really can’t handle being alone in my room for such a long time. it just makes me feel awful. i can’t keep up on my work or concentrate on school because it’s still happening just online. i can’t tell if what i feel is real or not. i’m always imagining people watching me and i hate it so much i wish they’d go away but they won’t. i constantly think about killing myself, and since i have more time now it might actually be an option. i’m too afraid to tell anyone this so please can someone just say it’s going to be okay or something positive to get me through today? i can’t do this anymore",moderate
dev_pid_1095,"I hate it when my dad says:” No, you’re not too tired” : Like tf?!? As if you would know. 
My parents know I have depression. They just don’t understand what it is like to have. I literally am too tired and unmotivated to do anything. I have to force myself to get up and go to school every morning. Well now school got cancelled so I will have to study at home. That’ll be even harder because I won’t see my friends. 
Anyway, I’m soon starting to drive, but first I have to attend some online classes before I go behind the wheel. So today I was attending my school’s online classes and doing all that studying and then my dad comes to remind me I have the other classes, but I DONT EVEN HAVE TIME. Well not today at least. I say I’m too tired to do them and he actually says:”No you’re not” 
I am so frustrated and mad and want to cry and jump off a cliff and UGHHH. 
Also isn’t relevant to this post, but apparently I’m just lazy:(",moderate
dev_pid_1096,"I don’t know what is happening with me , sometimes I just want to die because I have no one who understands me . : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_1097,Does this sound like depression? : I hate living more than anything. Dying seems like the only option worth to do and the biggest sin to do. I am so tired and no amount of sleep cures it. The little things that used to make me happy disappear slowly and there's nothing I feel I can do. I am in a loop trying to get better and doing everything that everyone recommends. Nothing works.,moderate
dev_pid_1098,"Life is almost worse than death : I absolutely HATE my job,
its possibly THE worst job on the planet, 
everyone is freaking out about this coronavirus thing,
schools are closed, work is closed, people are getting paid leave and EI for any time their off work, finally some vacation time
I don't get jackshit though, I work IT, the bane of my existence, and most of my day is helping people set up remote access, why do people buy computers if they don't know how to use them???
at this point in life if anyone over 45 starts talking to me about their ""iPad"" I just want to shoot myself.
and its all remote support, I cant just take over and fix the stupid, I have to guide the users through fixing the issue, and then they get mad at me because they feel stupid.
how is it that fully grown adult humans cant accurately describe what their seeing?
""I see a box with buttons"".....No Shit asshole, any clue to what the buttons and box say? can you read???
Honestly I'm not even bothering to take ""coronavirus precautions""
I dont care, if I get legitimately sick then perfect I get 2 weeks off paid, if someone else catches it even better, I've been ""exposed"" and I can take 2 weeks off.
I would 100% rather spend the next two weeks on my death bed than I would at work.
Working IT has driven me to the point of constant anger, frustration, depression and suicidal thoughts..... all because you fucking people cant just leave me alone, I don't want to fix your computer cos if I do anything slightly different you'll claim I broke it an demand I spend all day fixing imaginary problems like
""My Email is 28 seconds slower than it normally is"" yes this was real issue and a real ticket I had to troubleshoot.....fuck you Nicole",moderate
dev_pid_1099,"All I can manage to do is sleep : All I can do is sleep. I dropped out of school because it was too much, and now I just stay at home and I can’t do anything because every activity is exhausting. My mom gets pissed at me when I stay in bed all day and tells me to “get up and do something”, but I literally can’t do anything. My psychologist has cancelled all appointments for the next month due to corona, so I feel incredibly helpless.",moderate
dev_pid_1100,"Overwhelmed at what I have to catch up on after long spell of depression : I’ve been depressed for a long time and recently went through a particularly bad phase of it. I’m still depressed, but not as low as before. I have so much to do. I haven’t cleaned my house in months and have a fuck ton of dishes and laundry and garbage and just everything. When I go to start, I just feel exhausted. 
I’m afraid to open all the mail that’s piled up because of what overdue bills might be there. I just end up wasting every day in anxiety and fear and increasing my depression because I don’t do anything.",moderate
dev_pid_1101,"I feel like I've fallen into a pit. : I've been dealing with all of this combined with stress from school, and every day is hell. Yet, strangely, I don't want help. I don't feel like seeing a therapist or telling my family, it's just too much work and feels pointless. It makes me feel like a failure when I think about it. I should be trying to get help, I should be telling people. I *should*.  But I won't.",moderate
dev_pid_1102,The “I’m leaving this thread” posts are annoying and not helpful : If I found a way to somehow beat my clinical depression I wouldn’t come back to this thread to tell other depressed people about it . I just don’t get it . They actually make me feel worse,moderate
dev_pid_1103,"woop : haven’t cut myself for months!! i still have depression, but my coping mechanism, and always has been, is maladaptive daydreaming (daydreaming excessively, instead of doing daily activities). school is super stressful but when i go home i’m in my happy place once again.
no, not my bedroom.
my head.
my head that is so mean to me, and tells me to kill myself.
but you know, it’s my happy place, where i can escape reality.
hope you all are doing okay! i love you all!",moderate
dev_pid_1104,"Being hurt to forget hurting : Recently i don’t know how I’ve been living alcohol abuse, drugs and other items to just forget this feeling but why do I like doing it, why do I like this pain?",moderate
dev_pid_1105,Crying : Is it normal to start crying even when I'm not that sad. I'll just start crying at almost random times,moderate
dev_pid_1106,"Why I just want to end it but can’t from lost of courage : (Well hi this is my first post so if I get something wrong please don’t grill me.)
I was a 5” chubby kid right now I’ve been sad my whole family just points out that I’m fat and I gotten really upset from it to the point where I wanted to cry in bed or even die, the cause of that are my siblings (3 sisters) but one of them aren’t that bad the oldest one slim and is on high school track team she keeps on calling me fat fag and it’s made my life worst and worst. I’ve always wanted to die so I wouldn’t have to be with them ever 2nd one my twin the one who keeps on repeating a insult it’s just annoying and rude.I treat most of my siblings with respect except if they are a Asshole to me I’ve tried countless times to be nice to them and they would reply “what really but I want MORRRREEEEEEE.” my oldest sister smashed my iPad and broke it stole my MacBook and beats and said “I’m in high school and I need it my dad has kept no control over her, she literally got mad over a drink and threw a marker that nearly hit my eye and left a mark then my dad destroyed her phone after that she got pissed over a iPhone 8+ and said in these words “THAT WASN’T WHAT I WANTED I WANTED A IPHONE XS” and she got it and she treats everyone like trash and she yells at us that as the oldest sibling she had the least care and never gets anything. She has always stolen money from me I estimate about 3000 dollars worth of things not including that she smashed my iPad to bits. I just wanted to kill myself but didn’t have the courage because I had caring grandparents who supported me so I never did that but I’ve came so close to wanted to do that (I am a very sensitive person so I cry very easily) and that’s it.",moderate
dev_pid_1107,"Alone in my own darkness : Hi, new to Reddit and not sure how this all works. I found this forum and thought it would be a good way to express how I'm feeling, so here it goes.
I've always been depressed and felt lonely, but there was a point in my life where I was happy, but things just started going downhill in the matter of the passing year.I had a few friends and was content with a select few and we would talk all the time and always go out, or I would spend time with my boyfriend. Last summer someone decided to be friends with my friends and got jealous and spewed lies and made me seem like such a bad guy when I am such a loyal friend. Because of this person, I lost everyone who was close to me. People who I considered to be family just up and left me. I still had and have the companionship of my boyfriend, but at times he just doesn't understand how I feel.During that time it was summer and I had gone on vacation to try and relax.... summer had ended and it was now fall. I got sexually harassed at work and they did nothing, so I ended up quitting. Still to this day I don't have a job. I couldn't tell you the countless interviews I've gone on and just no one will hire me, which puts me into a deeper depression. I don't know what to even think anymore. Qualifications seem to not even be of importance anymore.Then, I started looking for a pet dog as a companion and to make me feel less lonely, because I just sit at home all day with nothing and no one to talk to, but even trying to adopt a dog seems to not be working which just puts me back into a hole.
I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind and no one understands or if I express my feelings on Facebook, it's ""annoying"" or ""asking for attention."" When in reality all I want is someone to just listen and talk to me and make a friend and have that person who cares about me enough to check in on me or want to hang out with me. Living with your spouse may seem like a ""You always have someone there with you, why are you so lonely"" situation, but I need more then just a spouse in my life. I need girlfriends or someone I can gossip with and grab coffee or go shopping.
I would love to write more, but I just have that fear of being annoying and I honestly doubt anyone will read this, let alone reach out to make a friend but it's worth that 50/50 chance.
Hope everyone has lovely day and that today is a lighter day for you! <3",moderate
dev_pid_1108,"I feel so heavy, when did emptiness start to weigh so much : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_1109,My strong shadow : Hey i have a Problem that i take every thing hard on me. I have the feeling everyone hates me. I have the feeling i am worthless and useless. I also feel like i cant do anything right as if my existence only makes problems. I am not sure if i feel like the right gender or even if i have right right Sexual Interesst. I startet to Cut myself again in the legs so i can wear my mask everyday. Every time i try too be happy the voices inside me make me feel bad again i just cant take all the hate inside me. I feel like everyone would be happy when i would be gone. I cry and drink and cut every day because i cant take the pain. I got suicidal again and everything just falls apart. I dont want all that anymore i cant take it anymore and day by day i feel like if i snap it will end my suffering forever,moderate
dev_pid_1110,"Not scared of death : It is strange I am not scared of death but I terrified of the unknown of after death, it has been on my mind a lot and I have no idea why.",moderate
dev_pid_1111,"What can I do? : Hi, I’m new to this subreddit, and I have a question to ask you all.  
I have mental heath problems, I don’t know what those problems are because I haven’t been to a doctor, and nobody believes me when I say anything.  The only person believes me even a little bit is my mom, saying she’ll schedule an appointment with a doctor, and then I wait for it for weeks and she doesn’t say anything about it afterwards, and I’m to scared she’ll brush me off just like everyone else to mention it again.  
Most of my family members get mad at me for “not interacting” at family gatherings.  I don’t really talk with anyone because they seem to be doing their own little thing, only really talking to me when they need me.
My question for you all is, what can I do?  What help can I get?  I’ll post a few more times on here with updates if anyone cares.",moderate
dev_pid_1112,"Depression: my thoughts and experiences : DEPRESSION IS HARD TO DEAL WITH!!
Trust me I know. I want to try and sum up in a few paragraphs what depression means to me and how I’ve learned to deal with it and understand it. 
If the cause of our depression is out of our control, we have to try and acknowledge the fact that life will throw us curve balls, takes the wind out our sails and pull the rug from under our feet when we least expect it. It’s not about what happens to us it’s about how we deal with it that matters.
My depression has been caused not by uncontrollable life events, but by my own stupidity, my own poor decisions, my own silly behaviour, my own horrific mistakes. My sadness was caused by nothing but myself. This is a much more bitter pill to swallow but can still be fixed over time. 
However our depression came about, it is our brain that is overwhelmed by negative thoughts. Be it anger or self hate, suicide or self harm, past distresses or consequences. Negative thoughts are playing on a loop in our brain, the longer we allow the negative thoughts to continue the harder it will be to emerge from our depression. 
I know, trying to tell a person with depression to think positively sounds like a load of bullshit right? But introducing positivity is the only thing that will work. We have to try and see a positive way forward, where we exercise and eat nutritious food. Where we hang out and laugh with friends. Where we start to love and care for the people around us or picture ourselves with a new partner and finally move on from that emotional break up. 
For me, when I’m at my lowest I would lose my appetite and wouldn’t go to the gym. I would lose muscle mass and start to look skinny. When I did eat it was just junk food to make the hunger go away. My sleeping pattern was lost and I had dark circles under my eyes. I stopped cleaning my house and allowed it to get messy and unhygienic. I stopped seeing friends and family and cancelled plans because I looked horrific. My job suffered and my finances took a hit. 
No matter how bad things appear we should try to remain positive in the important areas of our life. Depression will come and go but our health and hygiene can deteriorate quick when we don’t look after ourselves. Building up from rock bottom each time is difficult, try to avoid hitting rock bottom by staying positive enough to look after ourselves well. 
Laying in a dark room and obsessing over events that happened last week, last month or last year will get us nowhere, a nutritious meal and phone call to a friend will get us somewhere. Allow positivity in and slowly our depression will ease. 
Thanks for reading.",moderate
dev_pid_1113,"Everytime I fall into depression, I hit the bottom of it, no matters how stable I thought I was before. : And it's a circle that never ends...",moderate
dev_pid_1114,"I've given up on life : I've given up, I'm not cut out for this. I can't live anymore, i can't kill myself for as much as I want, I wish I had a gun, just if I had a gun id be free.",moderate
dev_pid_1115,"I don't know if this belongs here, but I need someone to hear me : Few days ago, I had an existential crisis. I had a panic attack. I know how to deal with one: ""calm down, calm down, it's gonna be over sooner than you think"". 
It worked for a few moments, but then my mind went out of control.
I was thinking that everything is useless and has no meaning, and even that ""no-meaning means to give a meaning"" way of thinking couldn help at all. It was kind of a psychotic episode. This was probably bcs a lot of stuff, but what kept me in that horrible mood was my thoughts. I've read some of existentialism and absourdism, and even watched bit of Rick and Morty (yes, that high iq show haha), and I feel like not even death has meaning. No life has meaning. Meaning has no meaning. I feel not empty, just full of void.
I'm scared of the existence. I'm scared that nothing, even the nothingness is meaningless.
I went to the hospital and got clonazepam inyected, and I'll go to see the doctor in a few days. I study psychology and I've had anxiety attacks before, but not like this one. The only thing that keeps me somewhat sane is my family. I'm alone at my house until tomorrow (my parents are on a business trip).",moderate
dev_pid_1116,"Anhedonhia is destroying me : Every fucking day is the same fucking shit. I wake up and feel like shit (I also don't wake up with a boner) never have any sexual dreams, don't enjoy anything.
My life is a fucking mess and I wish there was a way I could leave it all behind without hurting anybody else",moderate
dev_pid_1117,Depression/Illness : When you are sick does your depression get worse? After being sick for a little while my suicidal thoughts get worse and my depression makes me doubt everything. Does anyone else experience this?,moderate
dev_pid_1118,"Dogs and my depression : 
Almost two years ago I lost my dog to cancer.(she was 11) It was really hard on me as an animal lover and I’ve  never quite gotten over it. 
I’ve noticed I’m a lot sadder and more anxiety ridden. I’ve dog sat and I’ve been working at a doggy day care for a little under a year. It has definitely helped being surrounded by dogs, helps relieve my depression and anxiety, but do to everything going in with COVID-19,  Most of us working at the doggy daycare have been asked to temporarily stay home until things get better. It’s only been one day and I’m already feeling depressed. It’s almost as if I need a dog to be happy.... I’ve been trying to convince my parents to get another dog, but haven’t had any success so far.... anyway just felt the need to express this somewhere...",moderate
dev_pid_1119,When people ask if you ever smile : How does it make you feel? I instantly get more depressed and then I usually get angry. Don't these people know about depression? What kind of answer do they expect? Its obviously done to cause you more pain.,moderate
dev_pid_1120,"not sure? : not really too sure if this is where this belongs or i even belong actually, mainly because i dont know if i am depressed or whatever, i dont know. i have a hard time really expressing any feelings, ive always learnt to hide emotion and be strong for everyone and put on a smile. the past 4 maybe 5 years ive just been feeling so low and so empty inside and i dont know why, i have hurt myself many times because i just want to feel something, some sort of pain or emotion because i just dont feel anything anymore, no happiness or joy or anything. i just feel so low and down all the time like im in a dark pit every second of my life. even when im with friends or doing something i used to enjoy i hate it, i act okay but im really not? recently and still at the minute im the lowest ive ever been and im a little scared of if i will get lower and not sure what i will do to myself. it got so bad recently i even wrote out some notes for my family just incase i do something to stop the pain im feeling all the time. i don’t necessarily want to die, but i don’t want to live either really i just want to stop feeling this way and i dont know how. sorry for the long post and its not organised but this is the only way i felt i could actually get everything out there.",moderate
dev_pid_1121,"Why am I so disgusting? : I don’t know how others can stand me. I am the definition of terrible. I find myself disgusting and worthless. I make more problems than I solve. I don’t why I was chosen to be on this shitty pathetic world. I can’t find anywhere that makes me happy. Every activity I do reminds myself why I’m such a terrible person. I don’t deserve anything and hate everyone. I hate waking up every morning know I’m going to have to be me. I just feel so uncomfortable and out of place in my skin. I procrastinate and don’t commit to anything. I even feel like my depression and fake and that I’m loser looking for attention. I can’t talk to anyone unless I put on my artificial mask. I’ve never opened up to anyone and never will. I always want to be alone but never truly feel alone. I never feel safe and nervous about the future. I hate myself for liking things. I cant stand telling people lies to make them feel better. I try my best to get people to like me and I still feel as if I fell short and just bothered Them. I don’t want a future and get sick thinking about it. I just want it all to stop. I hate the way I look and everything I do. I can’t go in public without sweating bullets because I’m afraid people are judging me. I can’t stand my family, but pretend I enjoy them. I want to stop existing but don’t want to kill myself. I hope this stupid fucking virus kills me.",moderate
dev_pid_1122,"Idk anymore : Idk if its like this for anybody else but every time i am alone i'm just thinking idk about what, but most of the time its about how good my ""friends"" and my family's life would be without me.
Idk why but when i see people i just fake smile and go along with whatever is happening and from the inside i feel empty.
Every time i see people happy with friends i just get sad and feel lonely and wishing i could have that.
Idk if its just a problem with my head or something else but probaly almost nobody is going to see or care about that.",moderate
dev_pid_1123,"The corona virus is making me feel depressed and suicidal : Am I the only one who is getting depressed/suicidal feelings because of the whole corona virus?
Im not particularly scared of getting the virus (it would suck for sure, but i am not in any risk group of dying from it, so i presume I will survive) But I am worried about all the precautions we have to do. 
Here in The Netherlands, we are not on total lockdown, but the main advice is to stay indoors and avoid physical contact. The bars, cinemas, libraries have closed until at least 6th april.
Litlle backstory, I am a really lonely person, I have a few acquaintances but no actual friends/romantic relationships. I have a history of mutiple mental health issues and for that reason I am on mental health benefits, so I dont have a job or school.
Recently I have been getting myself out there more, actively meeting new people, trying to go to new places/try new hobbies and hopefully start some new voluntary jobs. But all of this seems to need to be stopped until further notice.
(If our country goes on full lockdown, our prime minister was saying that possibly could be up to a year). So I presume the advice to stay indoors and avoid physical contact could also be applicable for up to a year.
I dont know how I am going to survive staying indoors and avoiding physical contact for a year. Honestly, I think this is going to make me so depressed that I might kill myself.
Does anyone else feel the same way? Does anyone have any tips?",moderate
dev_pid_1124,"I cant properly function : Im inside almost all day with the corona outbreak and my mood is going down. I cant think straight, gaming just makes me frustrated. Literally what am i supposed to do to keep afloat. Cant go to the gym. If i even wanted to go. It’s just getting by here and eventually kill myself.",moderate
dev_pid_1125,"Living is becoming impossible : Everything is so damn hard. Now with this isolation thing. Being around people makes me forget about my pain for a while,but now I'm stuck in my 4 walls having to deal with it. It was always easier for me to just go for a walk,looking at other people being happy gives me a weird sense of comfort...but now,I just feel so bad again. Awful",moderate
dev_pid_1126,Out of things to try : I am now looking in to clinical trials as a last ditch effort. Fuck you for ruining my life depression.,moderate
dev_pid_1127,"My poetry : I've wrote a few poems abour how I feel and I would like to share it so here:
I just want to die....
""I had a great day""
""I'm fine you?""
""My friends are really nice!""
""I got great grades is class""
""I wear long sleeves because I easily got cold""
""I'm not hungry""
""Everyone is nice to me""
""I love sleeping""
""I sleep a lot""
""I never cry""
That""s what I say to the people around me but what I actually mean:
""Today was terrible""
""I'm not fine""
""I know my friends talk about me behind my back and that they use me.
""No one cares about my grades""
""I just want to hide my scars""
""I'm fat""
""No one cares about me""
""I hate sleeping because of the nightmares""
""I know I wake up the next day""
""I sleep 2 hours at night""
""I cry myself to sleep""
""I cry everyday...""
All the laughs are fake.
The happy smart girl isn't the real me it is a mask and no one knows.
The troublemaker that isn't me either.
That is life when no one knows about your feelings, when no one knows about your scars.
And I know that it gets better but then it only gets worser and then you don't know what to do.
I know I am not the only one but so does it feel like I am alone because in real life no one knows you feel alone.
I lie to friends and family every day, but when I put an end to it, they continue after a few months and forget me so it doesn't matter to me it no longer makes sense I am already too deep in the shit. the voices are getting worse every day and I don't know how long I will last.
2:
Skin, skin, so paper thin
Red is a beautiful colour 
Sad, sad, she's feeling bad
Just one more, one more
Another
Dread, dread, dripping red
Ain't it sad that in her head 
She's only happy 
When she's almost dead 
Empty, empty, always empty 
The hollow feeling grows
A little longer
Not much more
Until she finally goes.
3:
They never see 
And they never notice
My smile fade
Or the dead look behind my eyes
They don't see
How numb I am
Or how dead I am inside
4:
I'm too afraid to show them how bad it really gets 
I'm scared they'll leave
They're all I've got and they just can't know....
5:
Yes I know you see me laugh and joke
You know me as the clown, the happy one
The goofy dork one
You see me as one who's always joking and smiling
I know I look so happy
But I'm not
I'm dying inside
And you all don't see it 
It is like you're all blind
These three I wrote in class while cutting myself and no one noticed even thought my sleeves were full of blood...
And now I'm here in the classroom
And nobody notice
My sad face
I wonder if the teachers ever notice that when I turn away
My smile fall.
I wonder if they notice my dull eyes
They never see
My smill fade
I know they are not the best but it explains my feelings a little bit.",moderate
dev_pid_1128,"I keep catching myself fantasizing about death : It's weirdly comforting imagining different ways I could get out, even though I'm probably not going to follow through on any scenario. Like I can pretend to have a little control over my fate.",moderate
dev_pid_1129,"Corona : I thought about skipping therapy due to corona but then I dove deeper into why I don’t wanna go to therapy. Digging deeper on why I don’t want to visit the therapist or the psychiatrist. 
 I feel like I’m just wasting time being in therapy. I feel like a therapist is just someone who follows a book and gives basic advice that you can get anywhere, and if not come up with by yourself. I work too hard for my money to just be giving it away, which is what it feels like sometimes, giving money away. I have family members that help me. I have friends even if it dosent seem like it sometimes. I have people that I can go to. I have a much deeper understanding of things compared to her other clients. Sometimes everything seems so obvious to me and that motivation is the only thing that gets in the way. I haven’t gained much coping skills from her, or at least that what it feels like. 
I feel like antidepressants work just a little bit better than placebos. I feel like if meds really worked no one would be in deep depression. I feel like these meds control me. I don’t like the idea of being controlled.",moderate
dev_pid_1130,My therapist finally convinced me to start getting out of the house and this shit happens. : I'm never going to get better why the fuck should I even try.,moderate
dev_pid_1131,How do I keep moving forward? : Living life everyday has become unbearable. I hate going to sleep and I hate waking up and I hate every minute in between. How do I help myself? How do I convince myself that life has value? Please help me,moderate
dev_pid_1132,"First Post Here : So I’m currently struggling with the loss of my gran who brought me up since the age of five. She took me in after my mum died and she passed on Saturday, it’s absolutely heart breaking as Mother’s Day, my mums death date and then this happened so close together. I’m scared I’m not going to be able to bring myself out of the way I am feeling at the moment. Depression is something I have suffered with since the age of 12 and I am now 21. I don’t think I’ll ever feel like the same person again.",moderate
dev_pid_1133,"When you know your depression is a burden to those around you... : I guess I just need to maybe vent or maybe someone has advice? Not sure what I’m looking for here. I’m really struggling with my depression. For whatever reason I fall off the wagon sometimes with my meds and my whole life falls apart. Sometimes I lose them, sometimes life gets carried away and I forget..this time I’ve been so stressed about this corona virus stuff and I’ve been constantly fighting with my partner. 
Speaking of my partner...I feel like such a pain in the ass every time anything relating to my mental health occurs. I’m emotional and destructive (mostly self destructive) and no one should have to go through that. I really love them and I wish they could be with someone normal. Someone that doesn’t want to die all the time. It’s starting to wear them down, I can tell. What do you do when you have severe depression AND a loved one? How do you just let them go through your mess and not feel even worse (and guilty)?",moderate
dev_pid_1134,"This quarantine fucked me in so many ways : I just feel hopeless, I was only getting up from my bed to see 3 friends of mine in school, and I don’t can’t handle this shit anymore, I just realized they don’t care, they just stay near me because they feel sorry for me being this way, I just don’t want to keep moving on, I just want to be someone else, like... why am I like this, just a fucking horrible person that everyone feels sorry, I just want to be truly happy again.
I just can’t remember the last time I was truly happy, I don’t even know why am I still alive, maybe I should just end it already...",moderate
dev_pid_1135,"Does it get any easier!? : Just looking to hear from anyone that's made it out the other end of depression as I've been struggling excessively recently.
For the past 10 give it or take a couple of months I've essentially been miserable. In a permanent state of anxiety, unable to connect with other people, unable to concentrate, articulate my words, have meaningful conversations, make new friends, look after myself properly and I've reached the point where I'm just too tired of it to carry on trying.
I've watched all my friends move on and achieve things, make new friends, etc. And I feel like I've just been stuck in the same rut I've always been in and always will be in.
It feels like there is something inherently wrong with my brain. Like I don't have the depth of thought that other people have. I can't express myself, and even if I could I don't have any opinions on anything because nothing makes any sense to me anymore. 
I really don't know what to do, all my free time is spent in bed either obsessing over how empty my brain has become and how I've lost my personality and intelligence or forcing myself to go to sleep.
Please someone tell me there's an end in sight.",moderate
dev_pid_1136,I think the hardest thing with depression is that it's impossible to see a future as all I see is black : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1137,"I finally realised that i have to kill myself : I am lost. Lost in my thoughts. Lost in my life. I cant do anything. Just sit and drink beer. I am trying to do sth productive but i cant. I cant concentrate. My mind is fucking with me. I want to live normal life or be dead, but i tried so many things to create my life better that i would rather be dead.",moderate
dev_pid_1138,"Tips for beating depression : Hi guys, 
I have moderate to severe depression since about 2013. In the last 3 years I have found myself ruminating about past trauma and embarrassments non stop. I have tried CBT, albeit only for 8 weeks and have tried Citalopram, sertraline, venlafaxine, mirtazapine and qutiapine. The only small success I had with these was with the latter, before my depression just came back harder.
Does anybody have any suggestions? I am thinking of paying for private CBT sessions, probably over a 12 week period. Are there any other medications or ways u can think to beat this?
I am a fairly active 23 year old male with a fairly good job and social life. I play football and go to the gym. From the outside I feel many people would think I’ve got a great life, which makes it even sadder. 
I feel as if I’m getting to the end of my tether with this and I can’t imagine progressing in life and starting a family etc with my current state of mind, very worried.
Many thanks in advance.",moderate
dev_pid_1139,"I hate how people undermine my depression :  i help my friend with depression for whatever his reasons are and I try to understand and help but whenever i say that i have depression because i felt lonely all my life, no girl loves me and that I'm a virgin and never felt intimacy in my life. People just ignore it and say ""oh its no big deal"" or ""nobody owes you anything"". And no shit nobody owes me anything but is that how you comfort someone? Its like they undermine my problem and make it non-existent. Maybe i should start comforting people who have been through breaks ups and say ""nobody owes you anything, stop being whiny"". 
Like Why do we gatekeep depression? I have been bullied my whole life and have strict parents, never felt love or intimacy, been lonely.  Do i not atleast deserve some support? Or does that only apply to people who have gone through break ups and divorces? Why do we kick down those who are already down? We all have issues and are depressed for different reasons. Depression isnt a one way street.",moderate
dev_pid_1140,"Finding it impossible to cry : I feel like crying would do me a world of good but I haven’t been able to cry for as long as I remember I’m basically numb inside and feel very little emotion from anything.
Any advice?",moderate
dev_pid_1141,"Waiting to die : Lately it's really sunk in that I'm a loser and as I get older I'll just be one of those unremarkable people who are alone. Throughout most of my life I kept being told my problems were just my age, or just puberty, etcetc and I always thought things would get better or that if they didn't I would finally be taken seriously the older I got. But now that I'm 26 it's like some switch went off - and it went from constantly being dismissed because of my youth and being told things would get better - to being treated like I have some sort of incurable and hopeless disability and that I'm irreparably unintelligent and not worth bothering with because I have all the same problems I had when I was 12. That's the general feeling I get when I try to access therapy (but then again I live in a province which although it has socialized mental health care it's a notoriously terrible system with a bad reputation throughout my country). This is a really scary change in the way people treat me and probably has some truth to it. Whereas I always used to hold out hope, I truly envision myself being 50 and still having these issues and never really doing anything with my life and being miserable for all this time. Due to a family history of heart disease and my current eating habits/lifestyle I don't plan on living much past 50 anyway. I refuse to commit suicide as long as I know the terrible impact it would have on my mother, but where does that leave me? Biding my time, waiting and wanting to die. I feel no joy or excitement from life. I have to work because I don't want to be more of a burden than I already am and that just adds stress and drudgery to an already dull and meaningless existence. It really would be better if I was dead for my mother financially, but unfortunately the emotional impact would negate the benefits. If it wasn't for this I would have already committed suicide long ago. I'm a homosexual male and feel absolutely no connection with anything to do with the ""alphabet people"" if anything I feel a repulsion towards them, at least how they behave on a mass scale. I feel very bitter about this because I was told when growing up that when I became an adult I would ""find my tribe"" as it were and find a group of people that I totally fit in with - that was a lie if ever there was one. I don't really fit in anywhere and with them least of all. I have no friendships, no relationships. But I'm capable of making friends and putting on a mask and at times can be the life of the party as it were. I'm so sick of telling this to therapists and they immediately assume that because I have no friends I must not understand social cues or something. They don't seem to understand that one can just truly not enjoy other people. That being said I'm terribly lonely and yearn to make a connection but am continuously disgusted by and disappointed by other people. I'm very ugly and no amount of exercise will really improve that on top of everything else. I also have an unusually high pitched voice and think I might have some kind of  abnormal lack of testosterone. I tend to have severe anxiety and over react to things all the time as if I have some kind of allergic mental reaction to every day things. In general I just feel like a total misfit who was never meant to be alive and who has trouble coping with basic life. I've been on all types of medication for over a decade and none of it works. I try and seek out professional help and am met with therapists who only ever seem to be able to spout out ""mindfulness"" as a cure-all which is just a pseudo-spiritual, impersonal, formulaic, platitudinous piece of garbage which seems to have unfortunately come into vogue among mental health practitioners. I don't really know where I was going with this - just a long rant I guess. I've given up hope on myself, my ability to help myself, and I've also given up hope on the system to help me. Unless if something drastic hopefully happens I see myself living several more years each day waiting to die without ever being in an intimate relationship  or forming meaningful friendships. I force myself to have hobbies and interests but those only go so far, most of the time I try to sleep as much as possible to block out my consciousnesses.",moderate
dev_pid_1142,"I hate myself :  
I feel like a piece of shit, it's one thing to get annoyed at other people, or to have life throw you down constantly. Those things hurt, but I know I can get through them.
But for the first time I realised I genuinely hated myself.
I was told by someone in my family that I was argumentative and that I sounded like I was trying to act smart all the time.
This hit me like a brick, this wasn't said as a passing comment or as a part of an isolated incident, this was a dead serious rejection of my character. By family no less.
If they were wrong I could've pushed through it, but they were right. I am a piece of shit, maybe not intentionally, but I am. Always trying to push forward controversial opinions because I think I know better than society in general, getting annoyed when others tell me to be more respectful, or call me stupid.
I just want it all to end now, to just disappear",moderate
dev_pid_1143,"I’m such an idiot.. : So time is getting harder and harder to deal with and I promised my boyfriend that I would try to get better for him. Unfortunately with my current living situation with my family, it’s causing me to spiral out of control and to get further and further into depression than I already am. 
Now because I know I can’t just kill myself as I know to consequences that my boyfriend (the only person who cares for me) will have to deal with, I have ended up relapsing and turning back to self harm and I just don’t know of any way I can deal with the pain better than I currently am although it makes me feel worse knowing I’m unintentionally hurting my boyfriend by hurting myself. 
I just don’t know what to turn too anymore before it gets too bad.",moderate
dev_pid_1144,"I don't even know what's wrong with me : Alright so... it's almost midnight, I'm sitting in bed after one of my ""episodes"". I'm not sure what I'm even feeling, but I sure as hell know that I don't want to be here. Lately I never know how I feel and honestly that might just be cause I literally lost the ability to care about things. I keep asking myself what's wrong with me and I keep telling my mind that I'm just making it up maybe for attention or who knows,  but I dont actually know if I believe that. I dont know if theres anything even wrong with me but nothing feels right anymore. I probably dont make a lot of sense, I'm sorry for that, but either way... The main issue is that although I dont think I should get help because I'm pretty sure people would think I'm faking it and since I don't even know if I am or not, I'm just clueless. It's just that constant numbness and that loss of feelings that makes me think that I'm crazy... Anyone else get that?",moderate
dev_pid_1145,"I’m killing myself this evening : I don’t know why I’m posting this here because I’m afraid of people telling me that I’m selfish when I already know I am or that “it gets better” when I already know that that isn’t true. I am in indescribable pain and I commend everybody in this subreddit who can keep going day in and day out while feeling the type of pain that I’m feeling, but I’m weak and I can’t do it anymore. I’ve tried absolutely everything I could before resorting to this, but now it’s time for me to finally help myself for good. I’m so sorry.",moderate
dev_pid_1146,"Depressed and can’t do anything to change : I’m such a fucking disaster, why the fuck am I so behind in life? I’m 18 and I’ve done fucking nothing with my life. I’m useless. No matter what I have to do to improve my situation I can’t do it. I regularly think about su*****. I shouldn’t even be on this planet",moderate
dev_pid_1147,"Back again... After failing my suicide attempt and moving back to the US. I’m having a relapse and I wish I did not fail. : Just how it is in the title. I’m back again here on reddit. Things are harder and I just feel the loneliness and the depression sinking further in. I want her to have to live with it for the rest of her life. As selfish as that is. She ruined my life, she ruined me, damaged me beyond self recognition. I can’t focus, I have no job, no money left. No way to get a car. My friend/roommate doesn’t help really. I feel like a burden, nothing but a bunch of bullshit for people to have to handle and I’m tired. 
Tired of being told it’ll get better. Tired of being told it was the wrong person. Tired of being starting my life from scratch. I have too much financial debt here built up, my credit is ruined. My self esteem and my path in life blown up in front of my face. I turn 30 in a few months and I hate who I am as a person. I have nothing but failure, mistakes and a whole lot of fucked up shit I’ve been through to show for my 30 years on this planet. People told me that it’s worth living.. 
But what is worth living for when all there is going to be is loss, pain, loneliness and suffering. It’s all I’ve known. I realize now what I had and I lost it. And I doubt I have the strength to co to use carrying on. I tried... I’m trying... but with each day it gets harder. And I feel myself slowly losing the strength to rebuild from scratch. 
There is no longer a future I see that I want. I’m lost and alone with my own thoughts and no one understands. Therapist says to go get help... medication doesn’t work... friends just give the same advice and I’m tired. And I want it to be over quick. Why do I have to continue to suffer in life so others don’t have to be weighed down by a decision I want to make? I want my suffering to end. Yet people tell me that I have people who love me. If they loved me, I’d feel it wouldn’t I? I wouldn’t have been thrown aside like I was... I want her to know what it’s like to ruin someone’s entire life.. and I want my suffering to end.
I no longer see any brightness ahead. I’m at a crossroads and I wish I took my life that night a few weeks ago. I had a plan. This time... I won’t fail. I’m tired of suffering. I’m tired of living in constant heartache and pain. I’m tired of all the loss in my life. I had everything I ever wanted and she threw it away. I feel so worthless. The words echoing in my head. A stark reminder of where I am now. There’s no point in continuing the struggle.",moderate
dev_pid_1148,"i don't think i want to try to live : ...and that's not great mentally. There are many reasons to stay alive, experiencing things, family, friends, allowing myself to continue to grow, etc.
It's all right there in front of me.
Reasons to stay, reasons to be happy, reasons to live on, and hope.
Except I don't want to try, I'm tired. 
It's such a lame excuse but im tired of trying for people for myself.
I know im worth it and life is worth it.
Except i think im too far gone to actually continue to stay.
(athough at the same time i am too tired to kill myself, i don't want more physical pain again)
I apologize if this breaks rules somehow.
just a vent... 
nothing is worth it for me.
it's all so tremendously worth it, but no.
just... 
I'm waiting to die and waiting to live.
limbo.
either way i could care less
im selfish and sort of fucked in the head",moderate
dev_pid_1149,"i have a constant feeling of hopelessness looming over my head : i have no hobbies anymore except for reading, because i am able to stop thinking while i read. school was keeping me alive, but now it’s all online until at least april 20th. i feel completely undesirable and lonely. i am so starved for affection and feel disgusting because i know nobody will ever love me again. i have no desire to pursue something that will require work because i just don’t care anymore. i have two friends but they barely ever talk to me and i just feel hopeless. i feel like there’s no reason to be here right now.
sorry for the vent",moderate
dev_pid_1150,"(24M) My so-called best years are behind me, so what's the point? : Is there anything else to look forward to? Hell, for the last decade I've tried really hard to make up for my lack of reading habits. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many books I cross off my list, classics that I haven't read will overshadow everything else.
""What does this have to do with depression?""
Here's the thing: As a social outcast, reading and watching movies were the two things that used to keep my depression at bay. My life wasn't exciting and I sure as shit wasn't banging the prom queen, but books used to let me pretend otherwise. But my depression is getting worse each day, so I can't even feel secure -or  knowledgeable- about one of the main things that I cared about.
TL;DR: I failed at both making meaningful connections and making the most out of a hobby--and I am an empty shell of a man.
Anyway, take care people.",moderate
dev_pid_1151,"""I'm Always here if you need to talk to me"" : I've always hate it when people say this, I know they are trying to be helpful but the thing I hate so much about is when you actually try to tell them you just get the same response all the time ""awe that's sad"" or ""you'll get there, trust me"".
The only people am able to talk to about Depression are also depressed because they know exactly what is is like to always be in this mind state all the time.",moderate
dev_pid_1152,"I give up : I am Spanish and I am young, I will probably have errors, but I hope you read it. 
I feel that English-speaking people understand these issues better, or are more welcoming, at least on the internet.
I'm writing from my mobile, and it's going to give me a fucking heart attack. It is the third time that I try to write here. My mobile has decided to update just today, and I inadvertently gave it a restart, I knew that would happen so I had saved a part of what I had written. I lost a fairly long chunk, but I calmed down and decided to write it again. Now nothing could happen anymore as the reset button was gone. Error. My phone has decided to reboot only, and again I have lost everything written. I should write on the computer, given what happened, but I'm stubborn. 
You don't know the rage I'm feeling right now, I had written a lot. I was going to let off steam and also tell some things about my life so that you could understand me better, but I give up. This is fucking funny. I don't understand why the hell this happens to me. 
I can't take it anymore, I'm really screwed. Many things have happened to me, and they continue to happen to me. Every year it has gotten worse, one problem has been added after another, and none has been solved. I've lost count of all the times I've thought about dying. I know that my problems are not going to be solved, I know that I can never forget everything I have been through. I will not be able to make up all the lost years, nor change the things that happened. Nothing was as I wanted, nothing was as I thought it would be. And I know that my next years are not going to be either, I will have to keep holding on and trying harder than the rest. For what? After all I've been through, it's no longer worth, even if in the future i have the best life in the world. It is not what I want. All he wanted was to be happy, but it seems that was too much to ask. I have lowered it to just being calm, to be in peace. But again, I ask too much. I have no reason to continue, and I will not live because others want me to. If I live it is because I want to, I will not depend on another person. I have tried and tried to exhaustion. I've been holding on all my life. People believe that people with depression or who end their lives do not ask for help. Lie. For four years I have been surrounded by people to whom I tell my problems. Social services, psychologists, psychiatrists, my tutor, the institute's educational psychologist. Four years. If in four years a solution has not been found, it is that there is not. And I don't say it, they say it. His ""solution"" is to hold on. They want me to hold on for two more years like this, and then, after two years, i have to continue hold on, and work hard. And for what? I never asked to be born, I did not ask to come into this world, much less suffer all that I have suffered. Sometimes there is no solution. All you can do is hold on, but you know what? I'm human, and I have a fucking limit. They want me to live independently of everything I have suffered and I have to continue suffering, isn't that more selfish than taking my life? Even among the fucked-up people, I am the one that is left over, I know from experience. It will always be like this, no matter where I go, no matter if they don't know me, it will be like this, because I have lived it.
I'm drowning, I can't breathe. I'm exhausted, I can't take it anymore. I have no energy left, no desire, no strength. No one can help me, nor can I solve all my problems. I'm sunk, I'm pissed off, and I'm alone. I've already heard all kinds of messages of support, all kinds of criticism. Neither thing works. There comes a point of no return, and I have already reached it. I spend my days sleeping and distracting myself so as not to think, only for another day to pass. And for what? I know that there are good people, and that there are good things, but they are not worth it. People try not to see reality, because reality is bullshit. It is full of bad people, who screw life to the others. And are we sick? It is easier to convince a person with depression that their thoughts are wrong, that they are wrong because of their illness, that life is really worth it, that things will be solved and that a better future awaits them. That is easier than trying to educate people from a young age, and easier than trying to change bad people. Really, I can't take it anymore, I go on the internet and I get sick, reading comments on Youtube, or on Instagram, or some articles. I get sick, and I can't forget everything I read and everything I see. I know there are people more screwed up than me, who have less than me, who ""complain"" less than me, and still get ahead, or keep trying. I know. So sorry for wanting to die, sorry for not being able to anymore, sorry for not loving life. I just want to rest. 
I'm still able to laugh, or have a good time, but it's not worth it. I really don't know what the hell to do, because I can't take it anymore. And if there isn't a solution already, I can't keep waiting. And I know there is not going to be a solution. The pain and anger I feel is excruciating, and all I do is disappoint everyone. I honestly do not know what I want you to say, because really nothing you say will solve my life or how I feel, nor will it give me hope of continuing to endure or live. It is my body, and it is my life, and I couldn't choose to not be born, but at least I should be able to choose when and how to die. My heart really hurts, I feel sore, I don't know if it's because of stress, exhaustion or suffering. The only thing that makes me a little happy is eating Mc Donald's in my bed while I watch videos, series or movies. But I try not to do it too much because I don't want to get fat, even though that's one of the few things that gives me a little joy. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because I have to get rid of my things and everything I have on my phone, and that costs me. I know that the police or my parents would touch my things and would not respect my privacy. They would care very much to find out things once I died, when in life all they have done is screw me. I have told my life to many people, professional and non-professional, nobody has a solution, or different answers. So I don't know what to expect from this, because letting off steam no longer helps me. I give up.",moderate
dev_pid_1153,"I’m a burden to everyone because I’m depressed again : I don’t know how to start this. I feel lonely. Not because of the social distancing... In fact maybe it even would be okay if my SO was here with me. But here I am, alone without a chance to talk to him or see him even through a phone screen. He was my support system and he helped me go through the roughest times of depression. And now I’m slipping back. 
I can feel like my soul is escaping the body, it is foreign to me, again. I lost all the colours and happiness I had, I can’t sense or taste anything. There is only pain and deep sadness. I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I can’t even express my feelings to anyone. Parents or the only friend are not the people I would open up to and SO is not available and I can’t put the stress on him.
I hate myself for being a burden to everyone and eventually my SO will probably leave me. Even I can’t stand myself. He would be disappointed if he’d knew that I’m depressed again. I don’t want him to worry about me.
I have a therapist but... It’s too much to handle... I used to take medicine for depression but I felt even worse. 
I guess I just needed to write it all out...",moderate
dev_pid_1154,"Is apathy a symptom of depression? : I have extreme apathy about school and work. I don’t really care about doing good in school. I’m afraid it could be due to something worse like schizophrenia, but I also overthink everything, and i’m kind of a hypochondriac about my mental health.
Is this normal?",moderate
dev_pid_1155,Why the fuck do I just keep on crying : I’m sat here now writing this with tears in my eyes and I don’t know what to do i have no friends all I do is talk to random people play on my pc and that’s it I don’t do anything good whenever I come out of my shell I get shot down I can’t be arsed I have an alcoholic dad who I wouldn’t care is he died and he wouldn’t care if and if I do die no one would attually care and people would not notice their then my family.,moderate
dev_pid_1156,"Depression come in many forms : I've spent sometime reading other posts on here, I've noticed something missing. At least with what I've found, correct me if I'm wrong. I have a very severe depression, I have an addiction to gaming and drinking. As well as a lack of self confidence and hate myself like so much that I've stopped fearing death. Now I can talk about this so weirdly calmly cause my couping isn't through, hm how to word... 
I coup through anger. I don't let it out on others I just have a very short temper and beat myself into hell. Constantly beating myself down for not being better. I've started seeing the negative in everything and don't see any improvement in myself for the future. I dont have goals or meaning in life. I just wanna survive long enough to die peacefully (hopefully) that or go out with my brains on the wall either one. 
I really wanna know if I'm not the only one, anyone else coup with anger like me, I feel like everyone around me sees me as some asshole cause I really just tend to dislike everyone and find them all annoying. Maybe I'll get called edgy like I usually do. Hopefully none of this was rude in anyway I don't wanna hurt anyone, people with depression I love you guys <3 I'm aware being positive doesn't really help especially to those far gone but I don't need to be positive I need to here right? Well, love you guys I understand your pain, also sorry for my rambling bs",moderate
dev_pid_1157,Surviving till therapy : I finally got pushed to do therapy. They can't see me for over a month... I'm not sure how I'm gonna make it to be honest. My biggest supporter is moving across the country in a couple of days.,moderate
dev_pid_1158,"I don’t know what to do : This post is just going to be me blabbering away, and I’m sorry. I’m in my senior year at High School, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to graduate due to my many days of absence, and not having been able to work much with school, because I’ve been struggling a lot with depression. Since christmas I’ve been at school maybe a couple of weeks combined. 
I know I’m not stupid, but I feel like such a huge waste of potential. Not that I’m a genius or anything, but I should at least be able to graduate with decent grades. My entire country have switched to online schools for a few weeks now, and I thought not having to go to school, and being able to work from home would be easier. But it’s not. When I log onto the learning platform I’m completely overwhelmed and just end up sitting there in my room, feeling horrible. 
All of my friends know what they’re gonna do next year, and I don’t even know if I’m gonna graduate this year. I can’t imagine things turning out alright for me, and I can’t imagine a proper future for myself either. I don’t know what to do. I feel like my depression is eating away at such a huge part of my life. And I know people say that “you are not your illness”, but how can that be true when it affects such a huge and major portion of your life? I’ve been struggling with depression on and off since I was 12-13, and I just don’t see it getting any better. 
I usually don’t post, but I just needed to get this off my chest. I’m sorry if I sound whiny. I’m also sorry if my english is incorrect, it’s not my first language. Thank you for reading :) I hope you are all doing well, and if you’re not doing well, I hope things will get better soon.",moderate
dev_pid_1159,"I almost made a 4th attempt on my life today : Basically I've been recently struggling and it's only seemed to be getting worse and then I got into an argument and I just crumbled.
It wasn't even and immediate reaction it took like an hour then I was just gonna go for it. I called the suicide hotline and I've been talked down for now, but man I'm really that fragile.
Also yes I'm so bad at everything that I can fail 3 suicide attempts 👉😎👉",moderate
dev_pid_1160,"Have been spiraling into depression for a couple weeks, now facing isolation. : I've been under a lot of stress recently. I've shared this with a couple of my good friends at work (I work in behavioral health services). I've been putting off seeing a therapist and getting back on meds (Prozac).
I procrastinated too long. Our company made decision to require employees to work from home for the next few weeks. Our state is discouraging non essential travel and there's a curfew.
I live alone. The prospect of no friends or family or work family around....well I had a panic attack driving home and am sitting here crying.  
I went on FB. All these people thrilled to be at home working or off with their love ones. 
My last therapist used to tell me not to take time off from work when I felt like this since I have suicidal tendencies.
I'm really, really afraid of what will happen.",moderate
dev_pid_1161,"Suicidal thoughts : I hate it when people call suicide selfish. It's not selfish to want to end your pain. If you want to disappear people don't get to feel disappointed. Sad, yes. Angry, not really. I got backer acted for a suicide plan and all my aunt said to me was ""I'm very disappointed"". 
I said the hospital helped me but only because I wanted to go home. I still cry every night and think I'm better off dead. The hospital only scared me. 
It's like suicide is an issue that needs to be solved but if you don't keep it a secret the police get called.",moderate
dev_pid_1162,"I want to die, am too afraid to kill myself, and don’t know what to do : I can’t continue life but I’m too scared to end it. I don’t have people to turn to. What am i supposed to do?",moderate
dev_pid_1163,"I was already bad, and now this whole situation has made it worse : I was using social interaction to silence a lot of the things in my head, now I don’t even have that. Don’t even want to wake up tomorrow morning but it just keeps happening.",moderate
dev_pid_1164,"I'm giving up : I'm tired of my friends bullying me. I still have the scar's from the abuse from my old friends, I hate myself I'm ugly and worthless I've already cut it's not helping I might as well just end it all.",moderate
dev_pid_1165,"Tired of feeling empty : I just feel like a husk of a person, apathetic to everything, no emotions",moderate
dev_pid_1166,"I feel like there’s no point in being alive anymore. : I’m so bored and tired all the time. I work nightshift which definitely doesn’t help my depression. I literally work, eat, and sleep. I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life. 
I have a boyfriend who I love, but we have a turbulent relationship. Partly due to my depression and other mental illnesses, and him being unable or unwilling to understand. For example, I’m literally never horny and am repulsed by my body, and I try to tell him that, but it always ends with him being angry at me and turning it around saying “you don’t make me feel wanted. I’m sorry I can’t turn you on.” I’ve tried so hard to make him understand, but he doesn’t. While we were fighting over this (and the fact that I had burned myself and was talking about how I don’t want to live anymore), he told me “You’re just too broken.”
Today my dog bit his friend in the face. (My dog is friendly to literally everyone except this one man, who KNEW my dog didn’t like him, but he decided to get in his face anyway and got bit.) He started yelling and saying he’d throw my dog against the wall, punch my dog, kill my dog. I was in shock and didn’t really apologize well due to the fact I was angry he was talking about killing the only thing in life that has kept me living this far. Now the guy has filed a police report, and if he ends up going to the doctor for it, I’ll have to pay his medical bills. Thank god he’s not pressing charges, but yeah. My boyfriend is on his side, saying there must be something wrong with my dog. I kept saying “What kind of friend is that?” And he told me he’d do the same thing. He said if the roles were reversed and he got bit he’d beat the fuck out of the dog too. I told him I’ll fix this by never coming over to his apartment with my dog again. He’s going to continue being friends with the guy.
My friends don’t ever talk to me. We’ve been friends since high school. I understand we’re doing our own things now, trying to grow up. There was a period of time last year my mental health was so bad I could barely leave the house. I had isolated myself and deleted all social media. No one asked me what was wrong. They would just get mad when I said I didn’t want to go out. I ended up apologizing to them for sinking down into my depression hole, which was met with them telling me “yeah, I was pissed at you, but I know how you are” and forgiveness. Does me being depressed need to be forgiven? 
I have no motivation to do anything. Everything bores me. I’ll start a tv show and drift off thinking or playing on my phone or changing the show. I can’t keep interest in any hobbies. I’ll start a project and 5 days later I won’t care about it anymore. 
I hadn’t cut myself in a year. I quit taking my birth control and all hell broke loose in my mind. I didn’t cut, but I held a knife over a lighter and then burned myself. Just to feel something. Just to focus on anything. 
I really feel like life isn’t worth living. Nothing in my life is fun. I don’t even have the motivation or want to do anything fun. I just want to sleep and smoke and hate my life. I only have $1000 to my name, no savings. I have a car and a place to live rent free, so I’m blessed in that aspect. But is it a blessing if I don’t even want to live? Why do I deserve this? There are so many people who deserve this, and I don’t. I deserve to fucking rot in the dirt. 
I’ve been thinking about taking my $1000 and just driving across the country with my dog. It’s not a feasible idea, but it’s where my mind likes to escape to when I’m not down enough to think about suicide. I guess I think that on my little journey I’ll find something worth living for. I always try to run when things get hard. But by then I’ll have lost my job and run out of money. 
I get like this so often, but recently it just feels like shit keeps happening to me. I keep getting shit on over and over. I’m stuck at $1000, and can’t seem to get more than that without something happening and me having to pay. I’ve been planning on going back to school, but I’m not excited. I know I’m just going to fail like I have before. I’ll get all these classes and be so ready to learn, and then a month in I’ll say “what’s the point” and flunk out half of them. 
I truly hate myself. I don’t think I can change. I’m a horrible, pathetic excuse for a human being and I really must deserve the bad things that happen to me.",moderate
dev_pid_1167,"I don’t have anything to offer the world, so I just try to stay out of everyone’s way. : I’m a boring person, and thus, I don’t have any friends. People have told me to go out more, and not completely isolate myself. But I’ve never got the point of going out. Not like I have anybody to go out with, and being around a bunch people makes me feel on edge anyway. I’ve spent weeks in my dark room completely alone, never leaving once and it’s really no different from when I ‘go out’ to run errands or get food or whatever. I’m miserable and lonely either way, so atleast if I stay in, I can be comfortable. Plus, the people I know don’t really enjoy my company (I’m sort of just there), so it works out better for everyone if I just stay in my room, and let the world just go on without me.",moderate
dev_pid_1168,"meds finally working : I'm on 20 mg Lexapro and 400mg Lamictal.   
They just doubled my Lexapro a month ago.    
I went through so much the last 2 years.  I'm bipolar and trauma is a trigger.    
2 crap roommates.   one I had to get a restraining order on when he went off his schizophrenia medication and threatened to kill me.   
My brother died of brain cancer.    I was a primary caregiver and lived with him in hospice for 10 days.   I was the only one there when he died.   
Car accident two weeks after the funeral and off work for 10 months on medical leave.   
MIL died of cancer 7 months after my brother.   
Still $4,000 in debt catching up.   
Last week the compressor on my refrigerator died due to something a roommate did 2 years ago.   My parents gave me that $1500 fridge.   They never give me anything.  
And I quit my job.  
One of the reasons I quit was they accused me of faking my memory problems from my meds.  The other was saying, ""What do you have to be depressed about?""    They know about my brother and MIL.   
I handled it all gracefully.    I didn't break and stayed calm.   I saw that toxic environment for what it was.   My boyfriend supported me and offered to pay to install a new compressor.    My Mom told me that she is proud of me for knowing my worth.  
And best of all, I'm becoming more of the person I was before my brother got sick.    Life will never be the same but, I'm finally living again.
There is hope where I was convinced there was none.    
Never give up the fight.",moderate
dev_pid_1169,"I can’t do this anymore : I never feel ok. Not even for an hour a minute a second never. Something is always wrong I’m always being an insane asshole. I think such mean and awful things and I hate it. I can’t tolerate myself anymore. I’m tired of being self destructive. I’m tired of not feeling ok after coming down. I’m tired of not feeling ok when I’m high or drunk. The only respite I get is dreams which are just absurd nonsense. I’m tired of my dick never getting hard I’m tired of being alone every day at college I’m tired of not being ok. 
There’s no way in hell im ever gonna make it as a functional adult. I no longer have meaningful conversations with anyone it’s been almost a year since I had someone to care about. I’m tired of feeling self conscious about everything. I’m such a miserable dick I just want it all to stop. I’ve been depressed for years now but at this point I can’t do this anymore. I don’t even know who I am because I’m fucking faking it all the time. I’m so mentally Ill I hate it. Normal people don’t think about how much they wish some lunatic would splatter their brains across the room but I do. 
Miserable insane me.
I have never met a person I hate more than myself.",moderate
dev_pid_1170,"Help me help : I’ve made some progress on my depression over the last couple years, but I’ve hit something of a stalemate. I recently heard on a podcast that helping others with depression could help me progress. So, I’m looking for some mutual benefits from helping someone(s) who is(are) having trouble. I’d prefer to find people who are in my area since getting out is a big part of curing the disease, but I’m also more than willing to chat with folks online. If there aren’t people here, what are the best ways/places to find them? I live in a southwest Chicago suburb.",moderate
dev_pid_1171,"I don’t know what to do anymore and literally just want to die at this point because I don’t see any other viable option. : I pissed away my high school years doing drugs and not giving a fuck. I spent a year and a half after graduating being on probation for doing some really fucked up stuff that I won’t even get into. During that I came out as gay and my friend group went from large to literally 2 people, one of which I really don’t even like. I found a boyfriend and we’ve been dating long distance for a year and I’m honestly just sick of him sometimes. He has Aspergers and while I understand he might not do it on purpose, he treats me like shit but I cannot for the life of me get over my love for him or break up with him. I finally work up the courage to go back to school, trade school. I cannot do a normal college because I will 100% fail. Too much stress. I hate the trade I’m in and only chose some random one so my mom would get off my fucking back about doing something with me life. In reality I have (and honestly always have) absolutely no ambition or motivation to do anything with my life. So what’s the point? Why keep doing this only to end up suffering. I finally work up the courage to go to a doctor and he tells me that he doesn’t think i’m actually depressed and that it’s more just anxiety and he puts me on anxiety meds that i can’t even remember to take everyday because I really just don’t give two fucks about anything. FUCK THIS. FUCK EVERYTHING. IM DONE.",moderate
dev_pid_1172,"Going through a really hard time : Some background: recently went through a separation with my wife. We have a 2 yo. We are both from different states originally and she moved out of state before we officially separated. 
We own a home together 15 minutes from my parents and she now has an apartment 15 minutes from her parents in the other state.
Long story short, we are back together but because of our daughter's age the mother is favored by a court so we are now living in her apartment in the other state.
I reluctantly agreed to sell our home since it's been sitting vacant like a time capsule for 8 months (since we've been living out of state) We are here now going through the process of emptying it out for sale and it brought back so many emotions I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. One of the worst things about it is how hurt my parents are by not seeing our daughter. They played a huge role in the first two years of her upbringing. It was one thing I was always proud of showing my parents we raised our daughter well and seeing how much joy she brought to my parent's lives. They are really distraught about it.
I don't know what to do. I feel so lost living away from my family and friends, and torn that they don't get to see our daughter regularly anymore. 
I've always felt my whole life that I was meant for something great, and now here I am in my mid 30s with no job, no friends or parents around me, living in a cold rainy city.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose being in my daughter's life 100% and I love my wife, but I don't feel like she's considering my happiness or joint decision making with our daughter.
Has anyone on here gone through something similar? Just curious to get another perspective.",moderate
dev_pid_1173,"Appearing “normal” and “pretty” sucks : I really hate sounding like I’m bragging, but looking conventionally attractive while deep in a depression really fucking sucks. 
I’ve been severely depressed for more than half of my life now, with the severity coming in waves. I was okay a few months ago, but now it’s like my medicine isn’t doing shit. I don’t feel like I’m taken seriously because “you’re such a beautiful girl!” What the hell could I possibly have to be depressed about?! This isn’t about my looks. My brain is fucked. Do I have to resort to looking haggard to be taken seriously?
I get dressed and put on make up because it helps me feel somewhat normal, but inside, I’m barely holding it together. I have kids so I have to get up every morning to get them to school. I have my own business that I have to deal with and I’m not dealing with that very well right now. I have a boyfriend who loves me, but I don’t like telling him just how fucking bad I’m doing because there’s nothing he can do to help.
I’m not going to kill myself, because of these people in my life, but damn, I wish I could just not exist. Nothing I’m doing in my life feels worth this misery.",moderate
dev_pid_1174,"Spiraling out of control. : My entire world is crumpling at my feet. My bf of 3 1/2 years decided we should break up today, my heart is shattered and now I'm about to be homeless... 
I don't know what to do, where to go, i have no one in my life I can even talk to. I have never felt more alone...",moderate
dev_pid_1175,"You ever feel like life is a long queue? : You join it from the back knowing you have a long wait in front of you and you're just left there thinking is it worth it? Should I just turn back now and forget it?
I haven't worked in years, I'm not young anymore, I couldn't leave my parents house if I tried, soon they'll be at the end of their lives and i'll have to leave this rented house and be on the streets; Each day I think to myself more and more that I should just give up my place; Let the person behind me take it; They probably want to be there a lot more than I do. There are sick people in this world actually fighting to stay alive and then theirs my body with perfectly healthy organs just wasting away, they can have them.",moderate
dev_pid_1176,"Depression : Is this a subreddit to write a long post in about how things have been for the past few years and then how I'm feeling these days and what I'm trying to do and what that makes me feel? 
I've been diagnosed for over 3 years now and as a young adult it's been hard to understand and to explain to the people close to me. 
It was the reason I couldn't continue my degree and had to move away, but also the reason I was about to live in the same city as my now husband when I moved. 
It was something that strengthened the relationship I had and led to a deeper shared trust between us than we would have had otherwise in the same amount of time. 
It inspired so many of my poems, unknowingly, in 2014 that ended up being relatable for other people, I guess. 
But it's still keeping me up at night, still making me doubt my ability to thrive in the future, still taking the wind out of my sails every time I get a happy moment. 
Questions come and I answer them without asking someone else, but I know I'm not to be trusted with my own thoughts. 
Could I ever achieve and maintain that baseline that the therapists talk about?
Am I really doing my best and trying my hardest to fight this daily war in my mind?
Am I going to end up overweight and bitter and negligent like the other parents I've seen, when I someday have children?
How, when, what is the question, and somehow, someday, something must be my reply, even if I don't believe it right now. 
Daily meds, acceptance that I must rely on others to succeed, hope for a better tomorrow, these are my tools right now: the arrows in my quiver. 
Please tell me I'm not wasting my life.",moderate
dev_pid_1177,"not really sure where to post this but I have no one in my life to reach out to : I’m miserable and a small thing kind of just pushed me into a spiral and I just had a good ole panic attack for like 20 minutes. I’ve been off my meds for months bcuz ofmy shit life situation and even now with this job I can’t get a day off to get my meds back. 
I had some left over klonopin I saved for emergency and well i took like 6 or 7 and Which Only supposed to take one when needed. I’m probably about to slice open my hip and stay up too late crying and feeling like shit but a little looped our fro.m the meds. I’m lucky I don’t have alcohol. I want to paint.or draw or something but I have no ideas and I have nothing to do to make myself feel better otherwise. No one to talk to who cares. Everyone only cares about themselves right now cz I th virus going around. Which I understand. But literally no one cares about me even if that wasn’t happening. But I want to die. I want to just get it over with because nothing is getting better. I haven’t been happy for a long time and I don’t think I’ll ever get close to being happy as I was before. My life is over. There’s nothing here and it’s no longer worth it. I’ll probably pass out before I can do any damage so don’t worry. But I want to paint or draw. Get these horrible feelings out somehow. But my creative mind has been dead for months now. And I don’t think it’s coming back 
thanks if you read this nonsense. thank you",moderate
dev_pid_1178,"Vent/Stream of Whatever : Almost 2AM. Depressed AF. Don't want to go to bed.  If I go to bed, the thoughts will eat me. Sitting here reading some Sylvia Plath. It's a cliché, yeah- 'you're depressed and you read Plath?- but at least I feel like Plath gets it, you know? She gets the void, the absolute nothingness, the horror of the blank ceiling. Looking at the wall opposite me and fighting the urge to just bang my head against it until my brains fall out, like Squidward banging his head against the register in Spongebob. Tomorrow be better though...? I hope...",moderate
dev_pid_1179,"Constantly stuck between : Acknowledging my emotions, validating them and letting them go on my own
Asking for help and talking them through with someone
I don’t want to burden other people with my feelings. I’m terrified that if I reach out to people they will absorb my sorrow or be annoyed by me being needy.
Sometimes processing my own emotions just isn’t enough and I need the attention and nurturing of someone specific.
Then I go on over analyzing what this means about my own mental health and obvious codependency.
How do you be emotional without being overwhelming?",moderate
dev_pid_1180,"What inspires you to keep going? : I wrote something about how I'm feeling, and I'm curious if anyone can relate. I know it sucks lol, I was just writing from the heart. What keeps you going? What brings you hope? How do you make yourself feel better when the world feels like its falling apart?
Depression is heart wrenching.  
It is a burning in your chest that hurts so bad that you want to rip your heart out.  
It is missing people who you will never see again.  
It is struggling to get through the day.  
It is feeling like you have no one to talk to.  
It feels like no one understands.
I can't stop thinking about how much I hate my life.  
I can't stop thinking about how no one likes me.  
I can't stop feeling like I'm losing control.  
I can't stop this pain that's never ending and all consuming.
I just want relief.  
I just want a second chance.  
I don't see how it gets better.  
Do I even want it to?
Will I get through this?  
How do I do this?  
Why can't I get better?  
Where can I go from here?
I don't want to die.  
I don't want to cut myself.  
I don't want to be sad.  
But change is so hard.  
I just want to be sad.  
I just want to cry.  
I want to escape.  
I want to feel everything and yet feel nothing at all.
I need the strength to fight even though staying alive shouldn't be hard.  
I need to pull through this for my family and friends.  
I need to take care of myself and others.  
I need to give myself a chance.  
I need to get through this.
I just need time, help, space, friends, family, hope, life, love, peace, and strength.
Is that too much to ask for?",moderate
dev_pid_1181,"I'm... Alone. And I'm tired of this. : Here, 25yo, introvert, never fit into any kind of group, living abroad in a new country, with no friends or family.
This country is being hit really hard by coronavirus. Its my 7th day in quarantine.
I'm used to stay at home. I used to enjoy it. But the more time I spent in here, the worst if feel. I don't even find video games as fun as they used to be. 
I'm just not as productive working from home now (and I used to), I just think that If it wasn't for my parents videocall, I wouldn't talk with anybody. Because, as simple as it is, no one gives a fuck about me.
I'm the kind of guy that no one hates, but also no one loves. The guy that is ""cool"" but not ""cool enough"". The nice or lifesaver guy that never gets invited anywhere. I'm geek, but not that geek. I'm nerd, but not that nerd. I like to party, but just a bit. I just never fucking fit anywhere!! And it's exhausting. 
Whenever somebody tries to get closer to me, like more than a friendship, I just push away that person. It has happened just a few times, but I do. I convince myself with a stupid justification. That's why I've never had a relationship. I don't know how that feels like. 
I've been living in 4 countries by now. And it's the same. Starting from scratch? It doesn't seem to work for me. 
Right, therapy... How?! I don't know how to fucking take the first step. The only time I tried something similar, I was in college and the fucking therapist was useless. I just expend lot of time and opened up for everything.
I'm just afraid of pushing a bit too much, afraid of reaching a breaking point, and just ending it all. It seems easier. It seems like the right thing to do.",moderate
dev_pid_1182,"This outbreak is making my depression and anxiety going downhill. : Just had a panic attack thinking about when I'm going to see my boyfriend again. We're in separate quarantine due to the coronavirus outbreak. 
I feel really anxious about all the uncertainty of when this is going to end. I try not to watch the news (just the numbers of new cases) because I don't want to think of how much time will I be stuck home and without going to work and seeing my boyfriend and grandmother's. 
I'm just trying to think that everything will end quickly and trying to stay strong... But this feels like a never-ending battle.",moderate
dev_pid_1183,"I'm back : During my summer my suicide thoughts finally left me but now, I've started classes again and they came again even stronger, my difficulty to do a single homework, pay attention or anything makes me want to die again, and I'm more tired, I have A LOT less time and I'm very tired all the fucking day even the days I slept well, and the cherry of the cake: I'm getting more and more fat than ever...somebody or something, please kill me, now, please...I'm shit...",moderate
dev_pid_1184,let’s die : i hope i go to sleep and never make up this world wasn’t meant for me and  i’m not meant for it no one cares and frankly i don’t care if they did care maybe you should’ve cared for me sooner i’ve given plenty of chances,moderate
dev_pid_1185,Never getting help : My sister has anxiety. My mother always speak for her at appointments and my father denies that it’s an issue and invalidates her. It’s caused so many problems in my family. Meanwhile I’m sitting here falling apart and I know that I’ll never get help because I’ll be invalidated and ignored because I’m the “good child” with “hope for the future” and all that stuff. I self harmed and starved myself at age 11 and when they found out I got grounded. It’s been about 7 years now and nothing has changed other than I don’t physically hurt myself often and my mind has only gotten sicker. I just don’t know what to do I’m 18 I don’t have money to get help on my own but I’m afraid that if I don’t soon it’s not gonna end well. I’m also distant from my friends so the motive to get help is going away. Ugh.,moderate
dev_pid_1186,"Need to vent : Im a middle aged man who has lost his lady, house, car, dogs, pretty much everything. I have to start over, and to top it all off all my friends are not my friends. I have so much rage and hate in me I feel like I'm going to explode.",moderate
dev_pid_1187,"I’m so exhausted and I’m so exhausted for my loved ones. There really needs to just be a button to painlessly exit this world for people who will never get better. : These bouts of depression just seem to get worse and worse each time. More frequent. 
I just don’t see the point of life. Am I really just living to work my shit job to live in my shit apartment for the rest of my life? I have no friends. No romantic interests. 
It’s hard to keep people around when you’re depressed, which only makes the loneliness worse. 
I doubt anyone will even read this, as there are so many people on this sub writing this same exact post in different ways and flavors.
I hate that I get so down like this. I honestly believe I will never make it back.
Then I get up and can’t fathom ever feeling so down. I mean, I remember it but just think I’m “better”. Sometimes I realize it’s just a fleeting moment and to just enjoy it while it lasts.
But I’m sick of chasing those short, long awaited moments. I’m sick of going through all this gunk. I don’t have it in me anymore.
I’d like to never turn 30, which gives me about four months. I just hate the thought of doing this to my parents. And brother. And my one best friend who lives far away and is sick of my anger and disappointment at everything she says.
I’m sick of it too. 
Are there scenarios where it really seems like an accident? I had one therapist tell me that a lot of suicides/attempted suicides are done via car accidents. I wonder what the specifics are. I’d want something a bit more certain and less painful, of course. 
I’m sick of going through these deep depression bouts. I’m sick of dealing with my painful skin condition. Most people are assholes and I don’t have the stomach for it anymore. I’m just sick of this world.",moderate
dev_pid_1188,I just want to end it : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1189,"Venting a bit : I want to disappear. I’m drowning myself in sleep medication to not wake up. I don’t want to face reality. I just want all this gunk in me to leave my body. I hate feeling sometimes, you know? 
How do you cope?",moderate
dev_pid_1190,You know you’re depressed when this shit doesn’t even phase you. Everyone keeps asking if I’m worried or upset about what’s going on in the world w covid-19 and I literally have no emotions or feelings about it. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1191,"Isolation is normally pleasant : Forced isolation is making me more sad and anxious than usual - I am healthy and so is my family, but I live alone and because my job still requires me to be in contact with the public I am worried that I could bring something into their house that could hurt them - my parents are older and brother in law has heart issues - this is just too much and I feel like crying all of the time. I was starting to feel better - even though that never lasts long - and I don’t want to be a mess again.",moderate
dev_pid_1192,"I'm Not Selfish : **((WARNING: I do talk about suicide and self-harm in this so please if that might trigger you don't read this))**
Hi, I'm *Alexa* *Ann* (First, Middle) I know nobody knows me, and chances are nobody cares but I just wanna say that I'm not selfish for wanting to take my life. It does not make me selfish if I ""Don't have a valid reason to die"". Maybe I'm not abused at home, maybe I'm not bullied at school or I have lots of friends and I smile so I must be happy, right? I'm not poor and there's nothing wrong with my life physically so why do I have the right to feel this way? Because maybe I'm not Bullied or abused, or poor and sure I do have friends. But I stand around my friends and I'm alone. I sit alone in my room and mentally abuse my body and my mind. My opinion is poor and I am selfish for harming myself. I  lay in the bath under the surface of the water until I see the light darken, I stand with the rope around my neck and I step off the chair, Hear my heartbeat pound thru my body But yet I never truly die. I'm stuck here. Alone, Abandonned by myself. Isolated because I cannot stand high enough to get out of this hole that I've dug for myself, My own grave that I've made so quietly while I've suffered. I am not selfish. I just want to be free of the pain that I've caused myself...",moderate
dev_pid_1193,I want to kill myself. : I wish I didn’t want to but I do,moderate
dev_pid_1194,"I’m tired of asking and seeking help : I’m tired of living. I’m tired of being awake at 3 in the morning, crying and planning how I’m going to off myself. I’m tired of thinking and feeling nothing but sadness and loneliness. I’m tired of wishing for tomorrow to never come. I’m tired of the tears and empty feelings. I’m tired of hating myself. I just want to escape.",moderate
dev_pid_1195,"Feeling certain I'll die alone : Hey Reddit,
I almost can't believe I'm doing this but it's gotta come out somehow. My therapy session today barely scratched the surface, and it's been bugging me for months, actually years. I feel like I am of no desire to people romantically or sexually. When I make comments like this people just say to me ""shut the **** up, no you're not."" Or ""you're young, you'll find somebody. "" After just turning 27, I have literally found only ONE person who was willing to date me.
 I've heard all the excuses, ""wasn't into it, didn't think you liked me that way, "" etc. And I've even been stood up a couple times. Honestly it feels like people use me as their fucking therapist, then talk to me about how they are in love with my friends. And I'm here crying myself to sleep. 
Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking the whole ""incel"" route to things. I don't feel like anybody OWES me anything, I just kind of feel like I'm not WORTH anyone's time. I'm a scientist, and I take data in and make conclusions. So many failed attempts indicate a relationship between myself, and lack of interest from other people. 
I used to think it was because I was fat. I lost 40 pounds, and while I'm still overweight, I'm no longer obese. Then I thought it was because I can't see well enough to drive. And I know gender roles don't matter and all that, but even in support groups, I see women happily married with the same condition as me, but all of the men are left longing. Now I'm thinking it's an unfortunate cocktail of all of these things, and my declining mental health. I'm going to regular therapy, I am working out, I am meditating, I am journaling, but it all seems to just ""take the edge off"" but I'm still left apathetic, cynical and sad. 
Anyone have similar experiences? Words if encouragement? Maybe just misery loving company? Idk",moderate
dev_pid_1196,"I hate being alone, and i don't know how to not be alone, and i feel like i have no purpose. : No throwaway because fuck it, why would i care. I hate being alone. I hate feeling unwanted, and knowing everybody else just seems to be able to ""get out and do the thing"". I'm in my mid 20s, and i feel like from here i'm just going to somehow be less attractive than i already am. 
I did everything everyone told me, i lost 50 lbs and got in the best shape of my life. I've gained back some of it since i stopped having the motivation to go to the gym anymore about 3 years ago. At least i still look a lot better than i did i guess. I learned how to dress, and even developed my own style, started in retail, and have been a retail manager/stylist for 5 years now. I love the business end of it but it pretty much ends there. I did everything everyone said to make myself better, from what people have told me i'm not an unattractive guy, but it doesn't matter. I'm barely five and a half feet tall anyways which as a guy just makes me worthless anyways. I just feel like society is some crazy puzzle that i'll never fit in with or understand. 
I don't really go out because i don't know how. I don't drink, i don't smoke, i don't know how to relate to people at all or enjoy the things that people my age seem to enjoy. My friend got me back into a hobby i enjoy, and i've met a few people and gotten out more because of that, but sometimes it just makes things worse. When people are better than me at something it makes me angry. I hate that i feel like i'm only good for working and for that thing. I'm not useful as a human being, that thing is all i have. When someone, especially who seems attractive and well adjusted is better than me, i just feel like i'm useless at the one thing that i actually had. I'll start practicing for 30+ hours a week when i lose because i can't fathom the thought of losing, and what's worse is for all the work i've done in the grand scheme i'm not even that good. I hate that when someone else beats me at anything they get to have friends or a significant other that they get to go home to. They have somebody to be happy with. When they have a bad day they get to go home and tell someone about it, and feel consoled even if things are bad. I don't get that. I don't get much of anything, and even if i did......
I don't know how to not be alone. I live by myself, i've become a pretty good cook, but i only know how to cook for one person. I cooked dinner for my parents, and made for for a thanksgiving, and even though everybody said it was good, i know i can do better and none of it was as good as i am capable of. I have a really difficult time sharing my space. I'm so used to my things being mine and having me to myself that i feel like i can get upset when i have to feel like someone else is being a part of what should be mine. I feel like i will never find romantic happiness because whenever it even seems like a possibility i just push the idea away; first of all because i don't feel like anybody could love me so why even get my hopes up or try, and second because everybody seems to know what they're doing and i don't even know what i would do if i weren't alone. I don't know how to co-exist with another person in my life. 
To make it worse, i have no idea what to even do to seem like i'm even a remotely interesting person. Every time i read an article or someone wants to help me, i just get this long list of things that women expect. You have to be flirty but not too flirty or you'll seem needy. The first date has to be nice but not too nice or you'll seem needy, but god forbid you invite her to Starbucks or something because obviously that means you're boring. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO. Why does all of this have to be so fucking complicated? Even if i were Hugh fucking Jackman i would probably still lose out to all the guys that have all this shit figured out. Everybody wants to go out drinking and have fun and not only are most things people enjoy not fun to me, the things that sometimes make me a little bit happy can very quickly also just make me sad or become something i can't enjoy. 
I've been alone basically my entire life. I had one ""girlfriend"" when i was 14 years old that broke up with me after a month. I don't understand the world, i don't even understand how to be happy with myself.",moderate
dev_pid_1197,"I’m gettin help : Guys I’m very depressed, everyday I only think that suicide is the only form, my girlfriend told me to get help, maybe tomorrow I will do it, wish me luck guys",moderate
dev_pid_1198,"What's wrong with me : Things are going great for me. I'm an 18-year-old college student living with my loving and supportive family. I don't have a job and I enjoy not having one (quit a little over a month ago). Recently, I even got my first girlfriend, which I think is going well. I have plenty of friends, despite not really talking to them much anymore, so what the fuck is wrong with me. I feel sad most of the time, angry some of the time, and with small spurts of happiness sprinkled in between. It's like the joy is sucked out of me and I'm left empty. Whenever someone even jokingly says something hurtful, I think about it for days afterward.  
I don't understand what's wrong with me. There's no sob story. I'm a privileged middle-class white male with no terrible backstory. A great childhood now that I think about it. I shouldn't feel like this but I do.   
All I've been thinking about is how useless I am to everyone. 1 tiny insignificant speck among 7 billion others just like me. I am nothing to anyone. I convinced myself everyone hates me and only just barely puts up with my shit. They say they care but all I think of is that they're lying to themselves and me so I don't kill myself or something. My girlfriend sends me cute wholesome memes and pics and I heart react and stuff, but the truth is I feel nothing. It just doesn't make sense.   
I feel so confused and broken. Like a lot of others on this sub I just want to stop existing. Things look good for a few days or a week, and then I fall back into this. I thought maybe it was loneliness but like I said I have a gf now. On my way home from her house, I felt nothing but sadness after a relatively good time.
This is probably just an imbalance of chemicals in my brain but it still doesn't make sense.",moderate
dev_pid_1199,"I don't think alot of people understand how hard it is to keep on trying, especially when the easiest thing to do is give up. : I have the will do give up tommorow or even today, nothing is really stopping me at this point, except for my family and friends. 
I'm not staying alive for me, I'm doing this for them.
I hope they understand.",moderate
dev_pid_1200,"I intentionally make myself sad to feel better : I used to have depression and anxiety a few years ago. Even though I recovered, I'm prone to getting into depressive episodes because of stupid shit like sad songs or sad movies. Whenever this happens, I get this heavy, almost numbing feeling in my chest and is too overwhelming and makes me feel nothing at once, like I want to scream as loud as I can but I also want to stay in bed and sleep.
Whenever I get this feeling, I intentionally listen to sad songs or watch a sad film to let the heaviness be powerful enough to make me cry hard. I cry and cry, and it makes me feel better at the end because ""better out than in"".
Is this ok though? I feel like I should try to be in control of my emotions and not let all of these feelings get the hest of me like they did back when I had depression. Am I the only one who does this? Does anyone else handle their pain like this too?",moderate
dev_pid_1201,This close. : I dont know if here id the right place for this but oh well. I just want to die. I am so close to ending it. I was emancipated and I now live on my own. In a tiny apartment.I go to two different jobs. I come home. To nothing. Not Allowed to have animals. I couldnt get a girlfriend to save my life. And that's what i want. A girl. Someone whos there that i can love. It just makes me want to run away and disappear. Not much would happen. No one would notice. I just need someone.,moderate
dev_pid_1202,Alone in this : This illness blows when you have no friends or even aspiration to get friends . I got my three members of my family which is totally fine but yet I feel alone . Am I being selfish . I just hate this shit,moderate
dev_pid_1203,I’m so lonely : I have no one. It’s like everyday is the same and it’s constantly being repeated. Why am I even here? Why even try to be happy,moderate
dev_pid_1204,"Nobody will ever understand us. : I have run across so many people who still put a stigma on mental health. So many people telling me it's all in my head, or that I'm not grateful, or that I need meditation, gym, God, etc. I have all those things, and guess what, I still have depression. Noone will understand us completely, except us. We are the only ones who know the true battle of simply getting out of bed, walking, breathing, and existing in a world where our disability is unable to be seen. Thank God I have this community. Because without it I would feel so utterly alone",moderate
dev_pid_1205,"Am I truly deserving of happiness? Fun? Love? : Don't give me the whole ""Everyone deserves those!!!"" spiel, because I'm tired of it. No offense.
I've pretty well closed myself off to the world. I rarely leave my house, even before the pandemic hit. I'm a drain on the world. I've barely contributed anything to the world. No ""real-life""/in-person [friends.](https://friends.No) No job, and not likely to land anything in the current pandemic. Money slowly running out. Numb. Tired. Exhausted.
I don't deserve happiness, love or fun.",moderate
dev_pid_1206,"I don’t know who I am anymore : This time last year, I was a God fearing Jesus freak. I never showed any hate towards anyone. I showed everyone I met respect and kindness. Never touch a drop of alcohol. Never smoked. Never cursed up a storm. Wanted to wait till I was married to have sex. Now it’s the exact opposite. I drink every night. Smoke. Have sex available to me whenever I want. I want to go back to how I was. A good Christian. But now it’s like I can’t go one night without chugging half a bottle of whiskey. I’m afraid of what I’ve become.",moderate
dev_pid_1207,"I don't live for myself anymore (rant) : I'm emotionally drained and tired of the dog eat dog world called civilization. I've been sad for a really long time and already knew how the real world works. But my body is punishing me for not taking better care of myself. I only do the basic minimum I have to do so that my loved ones can still live in sweet bliss, that I'm perfectly fine and not secretly wishing for eternal peace. I don't care about my well being anymore and a small part of me wishes that I didn't have the people In my lives so I could be a little more selfless in the ever wanting isolated drift off into nothingness. I don't live for myself anymore and I just felt I should illustrate how shitty I feel so that the other poor people on here know how empty everyone else is.",moderate
dev_pid_1208,"It pisses me off how much depression is treated like a joke. : Some people I used to know would joke about it and pretend to cut themselves with their fingers just because it’s “funny.” What’s not funny is the tens of thousands of lives that are taken by depressed people. It’s not something to joke about, brag about, or show off to other people. As someone who has had several thoughts of suicide and almost attempted, I don’t find it funny when someone jokes about being depressed. If they were actually depressed, they wouldn’t go running around to all their little bitch friends saying they’re “severely depressed.” One guy made me so fucking angry with his jokes about cutting that I walked over to him and showed him all my scars, one by one. He didn’t find it so funny when I told him all the things I think about and what I do to myself. I don’t get why people think it’s so funny to joke about this kinda thing. It’s not funny, it’s a very serious matter that affects many families lives in a devastating way.",moderate
dev_pid_1209,I am just tired of being lonely : Since i have been diagonsed with multiple sclerosis i havent been able to work a normal job. I uber. And the human interaction i have is limited. My friends have moved away. And my long time girlfriend is now my ex girl friend because lers face it who wants to be with damaged goods. My depression and lack of money generally keeps me home all the time. I am just tired of being alone. I am tired of not haveing someone to talk to or go out with or any thing its truely just me bymyself 90% of the time and i hate it.,moderate
dev_pid_1210,Everyday before I sleep I pray that I never wake up again. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1211,"Numb : Lately ive just been emotionally numb, and I dont know what to do .....minds been blank, I feel like a robot , I got no empthay idc about anything or really talking to peopl.....and ive just been faking 'happiness' infront of people I guess...aah idk.",moderate
dev_pid_1212,"I don’t know why I’m depressed : Today everything was amazing, it seriously was. 
I was with my family all day, we saw a couple of movies, average fun.
I played a couple of video games and set a new personal record, but out of the blue, I’m depressed, and I’m mad and I just want to hit my head until it blows up.
I just want to stop feeling depressed out of nowhere, most of the time I’ll be having fun and then I’m depressed.
I’m just so fucking mad at myself, I hate myself because I just can’t be a normal person.
Once I even lingered 15 minutes on just answering a “hahaha” from a girl I like, or used to like, at this point Mr. Saddest piece of garbage in the entire world can’t even get a hold of his emotions.
I want to die right now, I just feel like everything I touch/do I ruin.
I just wished that I were able to see more than just grey.",moderate
dev_pid_1213,Lost my sense of importance to depression : I’ve had this feeling for a while now and it’s really weird like kinda inhuman in a way. I guess it just feels like I’m disconnected with the world. It’s not like dissociation but things just lack any kind of importance to me. It seems like something more than depression in a way. Is this a common symptom?,moderate
dev_pid_1214,"Quarantine is making my depression worse : I rely on distractions and social interaction as a means of alleviating relapse into a worse state of depression. However, I haven't been able to get that due to the quarantine and it's making me feel trapped, isolated, and hopeless. I'm really insecure when I try reaching out to people via text and that shit aint working either. I just feel really trapped now.",moderate
dev_pid_1215,Goodbye : finally got the courage to end it. figured i should leave some mark on the world even if it’s just reddit,moderate
dev_pid_1216,"The worst part... : ...is that these feelings are genuinely the consequence of my own actions. 
I got myself here, and this is my punishment. All of the crippling shame, the anxiety, the regrets, all of it is because I made dumb fucking decisions. 
They say that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Maybe that’s true for some but not for me. I got myself here through my own choices. 
The worst part is: this realization just makes me feel even more worthless — knowing that I could have avoided the path that lead me here.  
But then I think even deeper. No matter the circumstances, I would have made shitty decisions, because my decisions are the result of my own shitty character.",moderate
dev_pid_1217,"Someone, please talk to me : I just want to talk otp with someone. My last friend just left me. I think I might have a panic attack. Someone. Please help.",moderate
dev_pid_1218,"I just want the pain to stop : this has been my worst night in all of my life. i want to fake having coronavirus symptoms so i won’t have to go into work tomorrow. i can’t eat anything without throwing it back up. i don’t want to go anywhere, i just want to lay in bed and forget about everything, or just fast forward my life to happier point, if there even is one. i can’t stand being in this state of mind anymore, i’ve never hurt myself and i’m proud of that but i sure don’t want to be alive right now. i just want all of this to stop. i’m desperate.",moderate
dev_pid_1219,"How it felt for all emotions to be lost. : March 16, 2020
Phoniex,  Ariziona
9:25 PM 
One day, this day March 16, 2020 in fact was the most depressing week ever. 
It was on a night, I was just chilling watching youtube and texting My friends until it was time for me to shower, so I get my towel and get into the shower. I had so many visions about everything I ever wanted in life until one vision came out and strike me with a hard lighting between my very own eyes. I have never seen this in my life ever it was me on a cliff standing on to with beatiful flowers and a way to walk to me like in some games, but this one was different. I saw my gf stand on the bottom between some trees looking at me and she was with her cousin and grandma. Her grandma tells my gf "" look at him he isn't good enough for you ,  your like a queen in the hills living fresh like holly woods"". I soon turn around and notice that My gf , her cousin and her grandma where standing there and notice that she was crying while her grandma dragged her home. I whisper to myself ""I can' believe I have been fooled with this collar thing around My neck please just kill me"" as I scream in tears. Then another vision plays of when My gf was shot and almost died ,  bit she lived because I saved her I gave her my soul energy and My love fuel. Then I look at the mirror and I knew why she didn't want My gf to marry me.. It was because I was a robot and I was controlled by My master ... Alonso. The pain kept going as soon as I walk out the door I felt My own self not feel Myself anymore ,  everything was just shut down within My system. I felt the worse pain ever. It felt like someone came behind me and stabbed me and put me on my grave and said goodnight sweet dreams...robot. And I Walk To Change And Cry For Countless hours as I write this I will no matter what be crying after this expereince.",moderate
dev_pid_1220,"Hate... : I hate myself! I hate my stupid fat ugly body. I hate my abandonment issues. I hate the fact I don’t have friends. I hate my lack of motivation. I hate that my boyfriend broke up with me because i love him and he doesn’t love me, i hate that i give but never receive, i hate how gullible and sensitive and dumb i am! I hate my depression and my need to be loved and wanted. I hate my loneliness. I hate the fact i cant get a job. I hate the fact i have to keep selling my valuables to pay for a gym membership i cant even use because of how depressed i am. I hate it!!’ Im so sick and tired of this",moderate
dev_pid_1221,"How to not feel nothing? : I grew up rural in an isolated environment. I was home educated, never really saw other kids growing up, small town. Was sad a lot, watching TV with people playing made me sad. Somehow got through it. Followed the rules got a job make enough to live. But that's all I have. Never had a friend or a relationship. I think i should be happy but i just dont feel anything. Not good or bad. I just exist. Sometimes I try to think of sad stuff to see if I can cry, but I can't seem to bring myself to it. Everyone around me thinks im just fine. So I keep being fine. I know how to improve but I don't. Sometimes I'll sleep through the entire day. No reason to get up. Sometimes I buy things online and i look forward to it. Sometimes I buy things for random strangers, I don't know why. They thank me and go on with their day. I shouldn't do it but I do. I'm a decent employee. But when I finish I'm reminded of my situation. It feels wrong to write this. There are people out there that have it much worse and handle it in stride. who am I to complain? I don't want to burden or worry anyone, I will be fine, just here existing. I hope to maybe one day feel something. I thought maybe writing this post would do that, but it didn't.",moderate
dev_pid_1222,"having a mental breakdown over this virus. please help me calm down : i’m feeling severely suicidal and hopeless right now. 
it’s not even the virus. it’s all of the quarantining and social isolation going on. stores and restaurants closing up.
I haven’t been working for a few months ago but I know that when I do work, it’s a great distraction for me and interacting with my coworkers and other people really helps lighten the blow of my depression. 
I was looking around for another job and applying and all that but now it just seems hopeless, especially when people are being made to work from home. 
I’m the type of person that NEEDS social interaction, and lots of it, to keep my depression in check. When I have no one to hang out with, i’d go chill at a coffee shop and now I can’t even do that. 
Right now I am spiraling and freaking out, i’ve had 5 full blown panic attacks today and I still feel like I can’t breathe. I feel uncomfortably jittery and on edge and I don’t know if it’s the anxiety.
I am feeling so damn low right now I don’t know what to do with myself, I can’t keep crying for hours. If i’m not crying, I am sleeping for 20 hours because i’m so drained and have no motivation to do anything. 
My therapist canceled all of our sessions due to the virus and is only offering online sessions which my insurance DOES NOT cover. I can’t even see my fucking therapist, the one person I thought I could count on. 
I’m crying right now and hyperventilating. I feel like i’m having a mental/nervous breakdown. I don’t feel well at all and i’ve never wanted to kill myself this much before to end the pain.",moderate
dev_pid_1223,"everyone gets better and i dont : i hear all these stories about people recovering which is amazing, very good for them
but then there’s me",moderate
dev_pid_1224,Will I ever amount to anything : I want to die. Someone pls end my misery.,moderate
dev_pid_1225,"I don't feel like me anymore : Sorry for my English it's not my original language.
Over the past weeks I've been trying to be happy but it's like I can't be happy, I just want this pain to go, I want to enjoy being alive, I want to find someone who actually cares for me.
There was a time in my life that I used to say that life was beautiful, and I can't imagine saying that again anymore.
I just want to stop exiting without bothering anyone.",moderate
dev_pid_1226,i want to stop existing : i ruined everything and i'll never be happy. i wish i could be someone else. i would do anything for another chance at life.,moderate
dev_pid_1227,"I don’t feel anything anymore : Anything my family finds exciting I just haven’t, I feel so bored of everything, I feel like I should so I just pretend to make them feel better but I just couldn’t care less. I haven’t found happiness in anything in a long time, I feel like I’m not a person anymore, I’m just in the world watching it go by without me. I’ve given up and just don’t know what to do anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_1228,"Don’t even know what to do anymore : At this point I’m just hiding. Nothing is particularly enjoyable so I play games with the sole purpose of wasting time until I’m tired enough to go to sleep and start it all over again.
It’s sad how badly I want to start lucid dreaming... I want escape. I want wish-fulfillment. I know that if I got it, it would be as terrible as it would be satisfying.
The internet sucks now. It’s all bought and sold. I don’t know where to go anymore for real human connection or even the appropriate memes to staunch the bleeding. Why’d they gotta do me like that and fuck up the internet, too?",moderate
dev_pid_1229,"I don't know anymore :  (This is all over the place, quite long and probably doesn't make sense. I'm just writing down my thoughts and I will most likely delete later.)
 I don't see the point in life, haven't seen it in years. Growing up, I was always asked if I was depressed by my peers and those considered friends. I would just answer saying I don't know.
I remember there were weeks were I wouldn't shower at all until my parents reminded me to. I didn't care for my appearance or hygiene. I was just tired and numb. I didn't understand people's emotions, I didn't understand why I was perceived as rude, and I just simply didn't care.
It wasn't until I met my friends, did I slowly began to actually feel something. I cannot understand a majority of my emotions when I do feel them but being with my friends help. I'm just simply in the background, never doing anything for myself, and just simply going on with the flow of life.
Waking up, going to school, pretending everything is fine, and then going home only to do homework, go to sleep, and repeat. I say I'm fine when my friends get concerned but I don't see an ounce of truth in those words of mine, I don't know if I really am ok. 
 I often have thoughts about killing myself, how I could, and the most painless to the most painful ways. However, I never go through with it because I still have my friends and I'm afraid of the pain.
 I think I've been getting better, I've been keeping up with personal hygiene and appearance. I've been making an effort to socialize with my friends. However, that nagging feeling is still lingering. I'm just there, nothing of importance, a third wheel of sorts.
I just wanna sleep and not wake up again. (A simple and painless way to go)
But, I'll never go through with these thoughts for I still have my friends who I know care even when I think they don't; I'm grateful for them and everything they have done.
I've never self harmed in any way, it's just these thoughts and the feeling of numbness. Along with the occasional panic attack.
I'm a coward, a hypocrite, and a loser. I listen to other people's problems and try to help them to the best of my ability. I offer to listen and help, although I'm a bundle of problems myself. I hide and I hide, hiding my problems even when help is offered, I say I'm fine when asked, and I ignore all who try to help.
The teachers never cared, no one cared. Maybe I'm depressed who knows. This is all over the place but oh well.
I often forget to eat or drink water as well, which might be a concern I suppose.
I have difficulty reading now, as in I have a hard time trying to concentrate. Ever since I was young, my memory has been bad and I've been wondering if it's a result of me being possibly depressed or just simply bad memory.
I often write things like this down and then delete it. It helps sometimes but not all the time. My doctor wants me to go to therapy due to my panic attacks, they don't know about these thoughts though. As much as I possibly need therapy I don't want to go because I don't want it to all to be a waste of money and I don't want to be a burden to my parents. I feel like I would just lie and lie like I always do. 
I don't want to be a burden to my friends and family, so I don't go through with these thoughts. I don't want to hurt them even when I'm tired and numb. I just want to stop feeling like this and sleep.
There is only one person in my friend group, who I've opened up to the most. We have the type of relationship where anything said won't be judged and we just talk about anything that comes to mind. I don't tell him about these thoughts seeing as I don't wanna burden him, he's already stressed as is.
Even though I know he would understand my thoughts, I don't wanna burden him nor the rest of our friends so I'll bottle it all up like I always do and pretend it's all fine.
I know I'm a hypocrite and a coward, but as long as they're happy and don't know about these thoughts: I'll be fine, it'll be fine.
I'm indecisive as hell, been that way since I was a kid. I'm always thinking about how people will act and think about my response if I say the wrong thing and when I actually say or do what I want to I often got backlash for it. People would say I was rude and among other things due to it.
I always feel like I'm gonna cry if I feel like I'm being yelled at even when it's not directed towards me or when being confronted about something that just makes me feel worse about it.
Gonna delete this later.",moderate
dev_pid_1230,Living with depression is like trying to light a match on a windy day : ,moderate
dev_pid_1231,"Lifes Great. : No it's not.  It's the worst.
My little brother said to me, ""Why won't you go out or something?  Like go to your friends house or something.""
I asked him why he asked.
""Because I want to go to my friends.  Dad said I had to stay here, cuz you're suicidal.""
Thanks Dad, for giving me a little brother who takes me as a joke over actually helping me.
Also, thank you to my counselor, who I feel has abandoned me.  I told you I wanted to kill myself that week.  The same week I died inside.  And my dad told you that seeing you was embarrassing, so you dropped me like a worthless piece of shit.
I give up.  Fuck this, fuck it all.  Why is this so hard?  Hell, I'm scratching my wrist up and you honestly don't care.  I dont know what to do anymore.
I don't know how to ask for help without being a disappointing burden on everyone.
I want to kill myself but I've seen failed attempts and I'm so fucking scared.  I'm stuck between a rock and a hardplace.",moderate
dev_pid_1232,"Im fucking done with myself. : I hate myself. Thats it. Last night I was chatting with a friend, we were talking about how we hate our bodies and then we switched the topic to try and find something we like about ourselves. She said her thighs. I sat there for a solid 3 minutes and said, “i honestly cant find anything i like about myself.” This is going to be some ramble vent shit so buckle up motherfuckers. 
I hate literally everything about me. The way I come off to people and how I’m so fucking rude. I don’t take care of myself and then wonder why no one has feelings for me. I expect everything to be done for me. I’m stuck in such a bad mindset and I can’t fucking get out of it. 
I’ve contemplated suicide. I’ve cut. One time I was home alone and grabbed my mom’s cutting knife and held it up to my neck or somewhere I can’t remember.
Hotlines are honestly so shitty. This is from my experience so if you’re struggling please call them it’s not my place to say whether or not you should get help from a certain place. 
When I came out as Bi to my mom she made everything awkward.  She told people in my family I didn’t want knowing. I told her I was straight a couple weeks after. In that time period she asked why I suddenly liked boys and girls. The real reason was because I stumbled upon gay porn. I never told her. I just said, “i dunno, i just did.” She always was like “well what do you mean?” So yeah. But I’m still bi tho. 
I have randomly laid in bed and cried. I have written a lot of these rant vent things and it doesn’t help. Mostly because I over exaggerate and lie.  Its such a bad habit. I lie and dramatize things for attention and I fucking hate it. I hate myself and want to die. The world is better of without me. 
My friends are the “weird kids” at school while I’m still trying to be friends with them and stay with my other clique of friends that are somewhat normal. My best friend since second grade is like my personal therapist so I’ll be sending this to her probably. (Hi halle!) 
I should also add i am very jealous and rude and attention grabbing for no good fucking reason. It’s a bad habit that I’ve been needing to get rid of. I’ve been desperate for a relationship and I’ve been friend-zoned each and every single time. 
I shouldn’t be here. There was a mistake up there. 
I’m in such a bad mindset and I’m afraid if I even speak a lick of this to my mom she’ll take me to a actual therapist and then it’ll all get worse from there. 
I don’t care about my appearance and I honestly should. Or my hygiene. It’s bad. 
I’ve been thinking about what I should leave behind. A note? A recording? This? 
I love my friends and family but they’ll forget when I’m gone. They’ll all move on. 
I’m in a badplace. It hasn’t left or changed. I pretend to smile. 
I don’t know what to do. How to cope. I’m probably going to cut again tonight. 
Thanks for reading.",moderate
dev_pid_1233,"Sick : I feel sick. All the time.
I'm hurting and I'm tired. I'm anxious but I'm low on energy. I want off this ride. I just want everything to stop. I just want to sleep.",moderate
dev_pid_1234,I dreamt of dying and I woke up disappointed : I really wish I died ffs why couldn't it been real. This day is going to be so fucking bad I just wish I could go back to that dream fuck this shit,moderate
dev_pid_1235,"I feel guilty for being depressed : I feel guilty for being depressed. I feel like I should have it good and yet for some reason I still cannot get over this overwhelming, all consuming feeling. I have a decent home life, a job, hobbies, and friends. Yet when I'm alone at night with my thoughts, I want nothing more than to end it. I feel like all I'm doing is distracting myself with meaningless shit and then it takes over again. I thought I was over feeling this way and tonight it hit me again. It's never a feeling of wanting to commit suicide. It's always a feeling of, ""I don't want to exist anymore"". And I can't stop feeling this way. I try to ignore it by obsessing over one hobby then the next and it's never enough. Somedays I feel like no one would really care or miss me. I know that's not true intuitively but emotionally I can't get past it. It feels like my mind is broken and wants to work against me no matter what. I just want the pain to stop.",moderate
dev_pid_1236,"I’m getting negative thoughts without me thinking about them. I didn’t know depression was this intense. : I can’t make the negative thoughts go away even if I’m doing something that’s distracting like writing out this sentence. I’m getting negative thoughts and feelings without thinking about them, they just appear in my head and won’t go away. If I distract myself enough my brain will shun out the inner dialogue of negative thoughts, but I still get the negative feelings such as guilt and shame. 
There’s not really anything to feel guilty or shameful about, well, somewhat but my depression exaggerates it and it makes me feel even worse. It’s difficult sleeping at night sometimes because those thoughts appear.",moderate
dev_pid_1237,"What's the point of still living? Why haven't I killed myself already? Is anybody gonna read this post anyway? : So many questions, yeah. I think it'd be good to answer them in the order in which they are written. To introduce myself. Hi, my name is Anne and I kinda do like blueberries but that's not the point of this post, so let's get straight to the point.
What is the **point** of still living (see, I told you we would get to the point)? Many people I know have their future already planned. Which is the best thing that could happen to a person really. You just wanna know where you're going in life. What you wanna achieve. Which job you would like to do one day. Like, everyone of my friends has seemed to know these kinds of stuff for such a long time that it's kinda making me even more depressed. You see, I'm not 18 anymore. I'm turning 25 this summer. This fact is totally crazy cause I'm just way too old for someone that has been wishing to kill herself for such a long time lol.
Which brings me to the second question: Why haven't I killed myself already? Great question, really. The thought of killing myself has been in my mind for quite a while actually. Ever since I got bullied during the elementary schoo, I wouldn’t make a day without thinking how liberating and relieving that act would had been. My life was so shitty at that time that the thought of killing myself one day to end the suffering became the only solution that felt right.
This whole situation became so bad that I started seeing a therapist. Which, at this point, I’m quite thankful for cause if it hadn’t been for him and the pills he had prescribed to me, I wouldn’t have even made it to the end of high school. I was sooo determined to kill myself really, the suffering was just unbearable. Yet, I didn’t do it in the end. But we’re about to get to that later.
And, I mean, I am the one to blame partly. I have a really unstable personality and it surely is really hard to love me or be my friend. I generally am really kind to people and let them do any bad thing to me if that means they'll still be by my side. It is terrible doing so, I am quite aware of that. But I am often feeling really lonely because of my shyness and social anxiety, so when I start trusting someone, I really am afraid of losing them cause I know I ain’t gonna replace them that easily. 
Like I said, I am hard to love. I don’t think I’m worth anything to be honest, so I’m always really surprised when anyone actually approaches me and seems to like me. My therapist would have been so upset if he heard me say stuff like that but that’s just how it is. I stopped seeing him quite a while ago when I thought I’m over all this and don’t need him anymore btw. But I guess that I was wrong.
One day, I feel amazing and really happy about my life just to get all depressed and sad the other day (or even the same day, only a couple of hours later lol). I just let myself be hurt by people. Over and over again. Cause it's my fault. On one hand, I know it’s wrong but I just continue letting them do that. I just let my boyfriend treat me like shit sometimes. Cause it's my fault. Plus, who else is gonna love me if he leaves me, right? I just have to endure that. It hurts. But you wanna know what hurts even more? The fact that I can do nothing about it.
I’m too scared to be lonely. Some days, I feel like my boyfriend genuinely loves me and cares about me and everything in my life is great. Other days, I just feel like shit, starting to think that killing myself is not that bad of an option after all. It is a great option indeed, yet there’s a tiny little problem. I’m way too scared to do that. If only I had no self-preservation instinct. That shit always stands in my way. It always  felt so right to kill myself but my self-preservation instinct always stood in my way. I am just way too weak.
So here I am. With no future ahead, having to be quarantined because of the corona virus pandemic, which makes my depression ten times worse. I don’t know how long it’s gonna take before I can at least leave my house, but one thing’s for sure. I feel like there’s no future for me and I see dying soon as the only option again. But I'm scared to do that. Again. 
I am pretty sure that I'm gonna feel better tomorrow and this won't be that much of a problem anymore, but that is what scares me even more. Thoughts like this are always gonna be somewhere in my head just waiting to fire their shot (this expression is probably not used right, but that doesn't matter cause my whole life is trash). And I'm just too scared of the next time they'll come to haunt me. My life is a fucking rollercoaster and I don't find it funny anymore.
Is anybody gonna read this post anyway? **Excelent question**, thanks for asking. I don't know. But I feel better having written this down. I don't know why lol. But I just do. So thank you, reddit.
If you did read it till the end though, please don't judge me. I have done that to myself way too much already. I'm gonna cry myself to sleep. To wake up feeling quite fine. Thinking I could handle my life and feel happy again, only to experience the same thing a few days later. Over and over again. Till the day I die.",moderate
dev_pid_1238,"So im I the only one that feels emptiness when there love around me : I think is just my own mind but i feel that every one that says they care really don't, the people that say they love really just find me annoying. Maybe I really am nobody like im 17 but i live in a shelter im homeless basically but I will never find anything that will fill my emptiness. I play games to try and distract me but when something negative come in my head im just sad. I just hope my next life isn't this horrible.",moderate
dev_pid_1239,"I forgot what silence felt like : I wish i hadn’t forgotten. For the past few years it felt like my life was stuck on turbo. Flying through hours and days. I didn’t realize I hadn’t caught my breath in some time. I was so busy trying to keep myself distracted. I couldn’t sit and do nothing for any amount of time, I was so afraid my brain would get too loud. but my mind is constantly loud that it overwhelms me and i tend to forget to do the things that were just in my head. I sometimes forget sentences in mid conversation. I’ve been running for so long I was terrified to slow down. I tried to talk to friends as often as i could for as long as i could everyday. I would distract myself with video games and feel a pang of fear when there wasn’t a game I could lose myself in. Even playing games i would have twitch up on my laptop just because I couldn’t handle being alone. I didn’t want the silence. If I read books I had to have the audio book version going at the same time. Even watching movies or tv shows I would find myself on my phone because I couldn’t handle sitting still. I didn’t realize it was this bad. After I quit smoking I didn’t have a reason to sit in silence and just enjoy the stillness and just let myself sort my thoughts with no distractions. Quitting smoking only made my anxiety skyrocket which in turn threw me into a depression that is so bad I fear being alone in my own head. and I didn’t realize this until I sat in silence with only the sound of light rain outside. The serenity of calm silence stopped the storm in my mind that was so viciously clouding my judgement. I’ve lived with depression my entire life, i’ve seen it take on many different forms. but I’ve never had it mask itself so well behind my anxieties that it was eating me alive. I was so afraid of the silence, but now it’s the only thing bringing me comfort on this lonely night. I thought my mind would never stop racing, I was wrong.",moderate
dev_pid_1240,"2 yr report : The last 2 yrs of my life have been so hard and for the most part still are. In that amount of time i lost my way of life ( handyman/electriction ) my girl friend of 14 yrs got diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and of course major depressive disorder. I work a lonely shit job because of my ms. And depression. Its hard to hold down a normal job when your either crying uncontrollably, or in such pain doing regular tasks become incredibly hard. And of course there is the heartbreak to add to all of this she left me because of my ms and depression. It makes me feel unloveable to this day i mean who would want to invest time in sonething they know will only break. ( i am just damaged goods ) and lastly there is the loneliness because of my shit job i dont really talk or meet people. My friends all have their own lives and i am to poor and shy to go to a bar bymyself. Everything just seems to pile up on me. I have battled with cutting myself to thoughts of scuicide. I have and still do find myself crying most days but i think thats the loneliness. And i am Tired all the time its so hard to do simple things. People keep telling me its gunna get better but honestly i think it just doesnt get any harder. I have hit rock bottom and my life is a joke and i dont know what to do anymore. I exist one day at a time and hope for the best. I am usually disapointed as ill find some reason to break down and cry. I have nothing to offer anyone so why bother meeting someone. I couldnt afford to go on a date anymore so why bother with that. Most of the time i just keep asking myself why do i matter. And honestly i am just more of a burden to everyone around me that i cant see why i do matter. 2 yrs ago my life was so much better it had its rough spots but everything was fixable. Now nothing seems like it can be fixed. My ms is not responding to my meds. I am alone. I cant hold down a job i have crippling depression i have no money i have no one to spend time with i have nothing to be proud of i have nothing that interests me anymore i take no joy from any activity and if i was to say how am i doing. I exist and thats about all.",moderate
dev_pid_1241,"Adolescent suicide : The truth about adolescent suicide or suicidal thoughts is that you can’t get help. Talking to people makes your case worse. If you y’all to your parents, they’ll tell you to grow up and if you tell your friends, they won’t believe you and make jokes about suicide to you. I need help.",moderate
dev_pid_1242,"I forgot what crying feels like : Everytime I try, I just get little tear streaks on my face. Even then when I get something out, my eyes just start to sting as if they’re being burned. I need help with this. I want to be able to cry into a pillow again.",moderate
dev_pid_1243,"Getting the coronavirus and dying is probably wat is best for me : I know someone who has the virus and he can give it to me and then i will die. My life is useless and im super ugly and fat and a huge coward and ppl have told me my life is better if I was dead. So i think thats wat im gonna do with my life.
If u have any thoughts lmk",moderate
dev_pid_1244,"My depression is making me a cold person : I’ve never had to deal with depression ironically till I got married. And it has nothing to do with my wife, just a constant feeling of failure, regret(on education path, life choices). My wife is the greatest human being ever, just a bundle of unconditional love, but i haven’t been able to get out of this depressed phase. It’s been two years now and it keeps getting worse. It’s gotten to the point I’ve lost my true self and have become cold to my loved ones. I hate seeing my family because I know I have let them down and failed them, I tend to be on my phone, gaming, just every distraction just to not think about reality. My wife sees it but my depression causes her sadness, she tries her best but I don’t know what to do. I’m scared I’ll lose everything, but that fear for some reason doesn’t motivate me to be better, I became unemployed recently, and I have no drive to reapply, I have no drive to better myself, I feel like I’m so deep in, and I have no clue why. I feel so stupid something because I have such a great life but again, I don’t do anything to better myself. I feel like a bum",moderate
dev_pid_1245,"What is the point of living if it's like this? : I don't see the point of living on this planet. It's just global warming and pandemics from here on out, eh? Why bother?",moderate
dev_pid_1246,"Does anyone else feel like their thoughts constantly go back and forth, making it extremely hard to know how you actually feel? : 
I get stuck in this cycle where I hate myself and my life and just think about everything bad about my life. Then the next second I tell myself it doesn’t matter, the thoughts I have are meaningless. For example I’ll be thinking about how I have zero friends and how alone I am, then the next second I tell myself it doesn’t matter it’s fine to be alone then the next second your alone no one likes you. It is honestly so exhausting like brain come on how do I actually feel!?? Do I care about being alone or not? It’s so frustrating. Anyone else’s mind do this??",moderate
dev_pid_1247,"Lowest point of my life : I'm at the lowest point of my life. No car, no job, no friends, no money. Despite having a tough life, in a lot of ways my parent hindered me from becoming an independent adult by sheltering me. Now, I'm 27 and trying to make it on my own. I tried to make it on my own in California and couldn't do it despite working two full time jobs while living in a van. Too expensive. 
So then I moved in with this guy in bumfuck Arizona and I can't find work out here. All the guy does is spend his money on drugs/gambling. There's really no point even living there because all I'm doing is sleeping on the guy's floor. I could leave, but then I'll just be homeless in some other city going through hell to survive. People say they'll help you but really won't do shit. People said they were going to help me get work, get a car, etc but it's always lies. 
Nobody will help me. I have to help myself but in this situation that's like telling a person with no legs to just walk. You're having to do everything by yourself from rock bottom. It's especially crushing when I worked two full time jobs in California for a month and still couldn't afford a decent car. Currently, still walking to the point where my feet are covered in blisters. People say life is beautiful, life is a gift, etc. That may be true if you have good moments to counteract the bad moments but what if your life is mostly bad moments? My life has mostly been pain/suffering with very few good moments so it's hard to see the truth in that.  I keep going. Don't really know why I keep going when it's just constant pain/struggle but I do for whatever reason.",moderate
dev_pid_1248,"I need help but no one can help me : When I talk to my friends I just want to scream and cry and beg them to help me, but I know they can't. Nothing they can do is going to put a dent in this sickness.",moderate
dev_pid_1249,"Hope I get the corona : And die, I’m to coward to kms.
No get help, happiness is ahead or call the hotline comments plZ",moderate
dev_pid_1250,It's like the whole world wants me to die : I have no idea why I bring out the worst in people. I have 100+ enemies who want to hurt me. Wherever I go make new enemies. What am I doing so wrong?,moderate
dev_pid_1251,"Loneliness : I was having very bad time lately, i was feeling numb, nothing make sense to me,  my family try to ruin my life because of money that im supossed to ""return"" them  but i didint take any money from them, nevermind, my life was hell and i have tendency to shut  in myself and isolate when i have problems,  so problesm are growning i am more isolated and my friend knew that i have these stages and  cut me off, just cut me off, cute me off when i need him, now i am completlty alone, have no one to care and talk... i  think i will no last long 
(sorry for bad english)",moderate
dev_pid_1252,"i don’t know : hey reddit this is my first post,
i’ve been struggling with severe mental issues for along time that i could never bring myself to talk to my friends and family about. this involves cutting and other things in the nature. i’m not sure what to do with myself, for at-least the past 5 years i’ve contemplated my suicide and now it seems more compelling than ever. just for a little insight within the past 3 days i’ve lost my aunt to a heart attack, my father has been put into the hospital for heart surgery and my girlfriend of 3 years has broken up with me. i’m really in a bad place right now and i could really use any advice.",moderate
dev_pid_1253,"I gave up on hope : Fuck hope. Everytime something seems to get better it gets worse. So many times. Fuck hope, it makes it seem like things are getting better, but there not. They'll get better than back to way worse. On top of it depression is addicting. I wanna b happy but my depression tells me I want to b sad.",moderate
dev_pid_1254,"I thought I'd get used to it... But I haven't... : Every day I just make myself look like a fool. I don't know how to act like a normal human... I've made attempts to put myself out there and be with people, but it hasn't gone well. I just end up looking weird or stupid. I thought after so many attempts and so many times that this happened that I'd get used to it at some point; but I haven't. Every time I make myself look stupid, it hurts me really bad to the core; and my thoughts just begin to spiral. I thought things would improve if I kept trying, keep trying to put myself out there, keep working on school, keep attending therapy... but i'm not sure how much things have improved (but maybe that's just the thoughts clouding my view..)
I just wanted to get my thoughts out there. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Have a nice one.",moderate
dev_pid_1255,"I sleep all day, no jokes. My body is starting to hurt from laying down most of the time. I am procrastinating real bad and self isolation has never felt this bad. : My depression is getting worse",moderate
dev_pid_1256,"Made plans to kill myself, now I actually have motivation to live until it happens : Genuinely excited to die",moderate
dev_pid_1257,"I just need to write this somewhere : I feel mentally trapped and I'm stuck in this place of life not progressing. I need a job, I need to learn to drive and I need to do my college work so I can go to university this September but I just don't want to and the reasoning for it is that I don't want to exist. I just want to phase out and not exist to anyone or anything. I can physically feel all the pressure in my head, it feels full and confused and I can't concentrate on anything; I feel numb to all emotion. All I have done for the past 2 months is sleep because that's the only time my mind can be at peace, that and I physically can't help but sleep for sometimes 14 hours a day, my state of mind is actually exhausting me. I do want to be great, I do want to be better I just dont have the motivation because I feel I am worth nothing to people and I just want to hide away. I don't have people who I can call friends, only those I go to college with but once that's over I'm on my own again. I would have friends from school but I can't maintain friendships, no one sticks around for me and I can't say I blame them. I do care for people and I want more friends but I have been stuck in this mindset of not wanting to exist for so long that I've pushed everyone away because I want to be alone but at the same time I'm crippling in loneliness. I'm constantly at war with myself. The things I want, I'm somehow fighting against. It's never going to be easy in life I get that but why can't I just be normal.",moderate
dev_pid_1258,"I dont know what to do. : Hi guys. I really have no idea on what to do. Do you ever feel like you don't want to commit suicide but you also don't want to live either? 
I've been feeling like that for years now and i guess the only one that's stopping me from killing myself is my friends and family. I mean, is it wrong to feel like rhis despite having a loving family and friends and the perfect gf? I honestly have no sense of purpose and drive to keep on living but i also dont want to kill myself either. Fck. Siiiigghhhh",moderate
dev_pid_1259,"I WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO DIE : I'LL ALWAYS BE LAST CHOICE. JUST LIKE IN GRADE 8 GYM CLASS. I'LL ALWAYS BE JUST A STAND IN FOR SOMEONE BEFORE THEY FIND SOMEONE BETTER AND THEN I GET TO WATCH THEM BE HAPPY TOGETHER AS THEY LEAVE ME ALL ALONE.
THERE IS NO ONE. IT WAS ONLY ME AND IT WILL ALWAYS BE JUST ME. I'M GOING TO END IT BEFORE I'M 30. I'M GOING TO END IT AND I THEN I WON'T HAVE TO FEEL THIS ANYMORE.",moderate
dev_pid_1260,"i isolate myself a lot, don’t talk much and keep everything in my head because no one understands me or my feelings are ignored. : between breaking up with my ex and being ignored, always having something bad going on in my life because of my narcissistic parents, being told that my problems don’t matter or being ignored or scolded when i try to say what’s wrong or tell anyone anything, i have a fuck load of trust issues and terrified of opening up because everyone disappears or is getting ahead in life while i can’t even get out of a dead end job or away from my parents(i’m 22). my anxiety acts up a lot more around men then women but i still distance myself from everyone even my friends. i’m always happy about others accomplishments but i feel so inadequate & don’t even get me started on how much i hate my looks to the point where i can’t do makeup or dress up without stopping and crying now.",moderate
dev_pid_1261,"I think ill have mental breakdown : I have had dp/dr for a week now after heavy drinking. Alcohol is a trigger for me and my dumb ass drank anyway. I feel like im in a dream all the time and it wont go away. And i cant tell anyone how i feel because my stupid family wont get it or they will think im making that shit up. Im stressed about school because today is the last day for applications and i dont know where to go and this year is my last chance. Im stressed about what is happening in the world right now. I lost my job and have no money saved. Im stressing about my sister moving away with her boyfriend i fucking cant stand even to look at. But ofcourse my parents like him even better than their own daughter (me). I have no friends (literally not even one), in ugly as fuck and fucking stupid. I wish i could get the virus and just die already. I think im losing my mind and im on the verge of crying but i cant cry in front of my family because they think their family is perfect and mental disorders are a taboo and they dont exist and they dont even know what anxiety or depression is and i fucking hate everyone i just want to be left alone and die already",moderate
dev_pid_1262,"27/M I have depression / anxiety that I usually keep in check now, but I frequently feel unwanted and worthless when girls im into (in my mind) become disinterested ... this often ends up with me crying, overwhelmed, lonely and embarrassed. I can't find help anywhere else, can anyone help me pls... : ",moderate
dev_pid_1263,A rant I guess? : I’m honestly so tired of this shit. I’ve had so many important mental and physical health appointments cancelled this week and next week because of the Coronavirus. I know there’s more important shit going on in the world right now and I know that it’s no ones fault that my appointments have been cancelled. But when I really needed these appointments it really hurts when they get cancelled. It’s the last thing I need right now and I’m so stressed and overwhelmed with everything. I can’t cope anymore I know I’m breaking because this past week I’ve been crying and I hardly ever cry. I need the help but I can’t get it right now. All I’ve been doing to deal with all this shit is yeeting and crying. Not really an ideal solution but oh well. Sorry for the rant I just needed to get it out there I guess. This isn’t even half of what’s going on right now in my life and it’s stupid that the small things are starting to have a big effect on my mental health now. Sorry for the big ass paragraph I’m on mobile and I don’t have the mental energy to format this shit properly. I doubt anyone will read this anyway but it you do thanks for taking the time and sorry for the rant again.,moderate
dev_pid_1264,"I don't think I deserve anything. I'm such a loser : I feel so depressed and sad. i dont know what to write. something is like choking. i m sorry jesus for everything i did. I always wanted to be a good girl.. i will never sin... and i love my family.Im so sorry my family and parents.. i was such a awful daughter. Im so sorry. My grandparents are
so weak and old.. i m so sad about them.. i cant
live without them. I m sorry everyone. will try to be a better person. try to help almost everyone. i will never forget my roots. i will treat everyone equally..I will be kind as possible.. try to become genuine light in everyone's life.. btw i m a teenager so the biggest problem im facing is like caring too
much about my looks and i feel i m not pretty or good enough and which drains my confidence..
and looking for love instead of studying and wasting time over crush..
I wish i could change all these my bad things.
seriously i genuinely want to be with someone
whom god has assigned for me... untill i meet him
god stop me from falling in love with fake and wrong ones",moderate
dev_pid_1265,"Everything’s fucked again : Hi. I’m not particularly scared of corona virus, I try to be careful tho not to spread it if i have it and i don’t know about it, and not to catch it, but the thing is, our country is on total lockdown.. Our school is sending us shit ton of homework.. I can’t see my therapist. I’ve been suicidal for a really long time, but everything started getting better in last few months, but now it’s back to the old rails. I’m stuck in the house, just lying in my bed crying. I can go out but at what cost. I don’t wanna fo this anymore. Everything feels so distant. Everything’s closed. I know the quarantine is useful for the situation, but i guess it’s gonna cost me my life, or at least my mental health. It just feels so unfair, i was working on myself for a really long time and suddenly everything’s fucked. again. I don’t wanna get better only to fall a crumble apart again",moderate
dev_pid_1266,"Sooner than later. : So I wrote a suicide note the other day to have one less thing to worry about. I keep reading it over and over. Everything just seems so clear. I’ve been giving the closest people in my life everything I care about, my favorite zippo to my best friend. My jacket to my sister. Etc. I don’t want them to feel alone. I don’t want them to be sad. But I can feel it. I know I won’t be here for long. To everybody that’s helped me, thank you. I’m sorry that you wasted your time on me. I’m sorry..",moderate
dev_pid_1267,"I am on quarantine with my parents, and they don't know about my depression : I'm a 21 student, living away from my parent's and coming home only for holidays. I was diagnosed with a depression about a mounth and a half ago, refused to take meds, and started a therapy. I didn't have to tell my parents as I could see a psycologist at uni for free. I was starting to get better, would feel okay going out with friends and showing at my classes or at the library, so I would catch up a bit of the work I had missed. 
Now, I'm on quarantine. Uni is closed so I can't see the psycologist. I've had To choose where I wanted to stay during the next days and came back extremely quickly to my parent's. It's been very violent for me to suddenly give up all of my plans, even though I know it's more than necessary, it still feels very brutal to have to lock yourself in and accept To give up all you had planed to do (especially seeing my bf, the only one who knows about my depression, with who I'm in a distance relationship, I havn't seen him since last christmas and our couple just came out of a very big crisis). 
Now, I'm back in the hell I was just begining to leave, and I feel like all the efforts and all the pain I've had coming out of it have been ruined in one hour. I'm starting to have sucidal thoughts, and feel like I'm a danger to myself and should warn my family about my depression, even if I don't feel like telling them about sucidal thoughts. 
Also, both my parent's jobs are implied in public health. They won't be staying at home all day and expect me to do everything so that when they come back from work, the house is clean and dinner ready and that they can just rest, which would be totally normal as I have nothing else to do. And they have other problems, people in our close familly (their sisters and parents) also need extra attention due to their health problems. I don't want to be a burden added to all the problems they already have. 
What do you think I should do? Does any one have any advice on how to tell them without worrying them too much ?",moderate
dev_pid_1268,"Maybe life is just telling me “Game Over” : A week ago was told there’s a 50/50 chance my role will be redundant soon. Job prospects bleak when everyone battening down hatches for coronavirus. Flew to visit Mum for her 80th on the weekend and dementia is starting to overtake her. Came home to find son had flooded the downstairs. Today is the anniversary of my brother’s death.
I don’t know how much more I can take. If I didn’t have a wife &.kids I’d probably check out.",moderate
dev_pid_1269,"Anyone suffered from dp/dr? : Its a symptom you often dont hear about. Im suffering from it for a week now. Alcohol is my trigger and i stupidly drank last wednesday. Everything feels like a dream, like a 2D world, nothing has depth. I cant focus on things. I dont feel pain and lost my ability to smell. I dont understand what people are trying to say to me because i cant focus. I cant do basic things. I dont eat because i dont feel hunger. It is the worst thing ever. Feels like youre drunk all the time. Or delusional. And im scared it wont go away. I cant live like this. I swear if it doesnt go away, im killing myself. I really cant live like this. I have had dp/dr before and it went away but im scare this time it wont .. and the worst thing is i cant tell anyone because theyll think im making it all up",moderate
dev_pid_1270,"Feeling depressed and confused about a situation with a friend of mine : I’ve known my friend for years. We are opposite in gender. My friend is married with kids. He’s older than me by about 20 years. I’ve known him for years now. Super cool friend but:
- He recently started getting very sexual and flirty with me. Also started texting me everyday. 
- Then he was blowing hot and cold (saying he’s busy but I see him online all the time). 
- Then when I started pulling away he would get hot again and talk to me, eg. Told him I would only reply in the next 2 weeks if it’s work related (otherwise I may not reply to anyone in the next 2 weeks as I want some time alone as I told him I’ve fallen for a guy his age but didn’t say it was him) so he sent me a list of work related questions to answer the very next day, which compelled me to talk to him. 
- He also put me on his restricted list on Facebook so I can’t see any of his posts anymore. 
I can’t figure him out and feeling depressed. Any advice is appreciated.",moderate
dev_pid_1271,"Small bursts : I don't really live day in day out with depression anymore, something I'm incredibly thankful for, but I still get small bursts every now and again, and they're horrible, any advice from people like me or in general on how to kinda alleviate the small bursts, even ones that just last an hour or a few",moderate
dev_pid_1272,"Why dont i care : So a while back i had some fucked shit happen that mentally traumatized me and i was sent into a viral spiral. It lasted months and i was in physical pain because of it. Ive gotten better now but ive noticed that alot of shit around me is going bad and im not bothered by it. Theyre things that i would've been upset about before this trauma. My dad got cancer, my uncle has a brain tumor and my little brother has just gotten fucked over at the hospital and missed his big rowing race that hes trained for for a year. Why am i not bothered by these things?",moderate
dev_pid_1273,"I'm ending my life today and I need help writing a sucide letter : I'm way to emoninal right now to think clearly I'm literally shaking but I really need to say goodbye to my family and my friend. I don't know how to start it or what to talk about. No matter what my family are gonna be devastated. But I really need them to understand that I'm in agony and this is something I really want. I think basically just telling the truth will be enough but how do it lay out? I don't want it to be a story but it needs to include my reasons, wishes, personal goodbyes and I feel like I'm missing something else. Please someone help me write this now longer I wanna set of to the building in the next few hours.",moderate
dev_pid_1274,"Besides going to the doctor how do you know if your depressed ? How do you know if your normal is someone else’s normal ? Does alcohol make anyone unusually happy ? : I’m starting to wonder if I’m depressed , or maybe I’m just lazy. I have pretty low self esteem there are some days that are better but it’s never great. I rather stay in bed most days and I’ve gained a ton of weight. My eating habits are garbage I stick to eating very minimal  eating but always choose foods that are shitty. I feel like a terrible person most times. I fantasize about suicide whenever I have a small problem.  I also crave validation. Is this normal ? I’m not sure. I wonder if everyone feels this way. Are you supposed to feel happy everyday ? What am I supposed to feel normally ?  I’m so much happier when I drink and it helps me fall asleep but I don’t want to become dependent.  Anytime I feel happy there is always an ultimatum like I feel like it won’t last or it isn’t supposed to be that way.",moderate
dev_pid_1275,"I refuse what Life has for me. : I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was under the age of 10, first time I attempted to kill myself and Growing up, I always felt - that it's just how I'll go. 
*it was fate*, I told myself. Fumbling through life, allowing depression to own and beat me. I was a slave to it, and I still am. But I'm hoping, I won't anymore. I was planning to kill myself this june, but plans have changed. I had hope that someone, would see me as I saw them. But the truth is, it isn't mean't to be. It cannot be. 
So, I'm left with reality, I will live long enough to bury both my mother and my brother, like my mother did with her own. And I'll suffer it alone, like her. My hope that my light would see me the same, has fled. And I know now that there's nothing but suffering left for me. So, I'm refusing it. 
Within the month, I hope to be gone. finally free from this cycle, finally liberated from this life. I shouldn't have been woken from my nonexistence - the depression won, it's over. I'm a coward, and I will not suffer the loss of those I love alone. I will not.",moderate
dev_pid_1276,"Depression or unhappy in the relationship? : I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4 years. Every now and again when my depression gets bad I don’t feel anything for anything including her, I literally just feel like I could throw it all away, everything in my life.
Usually I get past it and we’re good and I love her a lot again.
My depression has hit hard again and I don’t feel anything, I feel quite suicidal. We bicker over the tiniest things
I don’t know if the relationship is done or it’s my depression? It’s so hard",moderate
dev_pid_1277,"Is this rock bottom? : Today, I woke up with a crushing weight on my chest. A lot of things are swirling around in my head since the COVID-19 outbreak. I live in South Korea, so I have been dealing with self-quarantine, the panic buying of masks, and all of the paranoia associated with the way the outbreak came out here. On top of this, my long distance boyfriend that is living back home in the States, has been busy, distant, and preparing for the COVID-19 outbreak back home. I haven't truly talked to him for days, and it's been painful to work through the loneliness and the possibility that this stress from everything and the stress from lack of communication will end us. We've been long distance for over a year, and overcome so many obstacles, but this really could be the last straw.
As I laid their thinking about all of this, I felt my brain wander off to ""What is even the point of trying to live, be alive, and keep living?"" Everyone is panicking, my most cherished person is distant and not responsive, I'm alone in a foreign country, and work has been unstable for a while due to the outbreak here. It would be easy to disappear. I then started to wander off into the ""planning"" stages of my disappearing act. I have two dogs, and I picked out people that I know would love them and be better owners to them than I am. My anxiety kicked in, started screaming (thank goodness for it), and I knew I needed to call for help. 
I'm scared. Suicidal ideations are terrifying. I'm terrified. I don't know how to control and I don't know how to step away from them. I spiral so easily when I'm not using my brain actively. I guess, I just needed a place to anonymously write down that I'm afraid of myself. How calmly I start planning my ""disappearance"" until my anxiety recognizes this is a threat to my safety.",moderate
dev_pid_1278,"Isn't this frustrating? : Everybody will tell you:
Don't like the movie? Leave the theatre
Your job depressing? Quit
Your relationship making you depressed? Leave honey
Your parents house making you depressed? Move out
Me: Life is making me depressed and I hate and I want to die
Everybody:  DON'T YOU DARE YOU SELFISH PUSSY, YOU MUST LIVE FOREVER NO MATTER HOW SUICIDAL IT MAKES YOU FEEL, IT WILL GET BETTER TOTALLY EVEN THO IT HASN'T FOR 20 YEARS, IT TOTALLY WILL NEXT WEEK Bro. Just suffer forever bro because its a precious gift
Fucking hypocrites",moderate
dev_pid_1279,how do i stop hurting : i just feel so bad about myself im just such a terrible person this isnt a rant this is a cry for help.,moderate
dev_pid_1280,"I’m done : I’m just done. I’m so tired of life. I’m so tired of always being the last option. I’m tired of not being good enough. I’m tired of being a burden to everyone. I’m tired of only being important when someone else needs help. I’m tired of wasting your precious time, you incredible person. I’m tired of being a failure. I’m tired of not ever chasing my dreams. I’m tired of everything. 
I’m done.",moderate
dev_pid_1281,"this isolation is making my depression worse : does anyone else feel this way? being at home all the time, not able to see my friends and boyfriend. Not able to go out , is making me feel worse",moderate
dev_pid_1282,"Everyday I lose more and more hope for my future : All I want to do is to get high. It's already at that point where I don't care of becoming addicted, because drugs are the only thing that makes me feel pleasure. Don't get me wrong, I feel pleasure in everyday life too, but there is much more pain. I have happiness for like 10 seconds and than it fades away. I'm getting tired of this. I want to be happy but what is happiness? Just look at the society and the people around.. Nowhere feels like home to me and that makes me depressed. The world and the society is just so sad and hopeless.. I don't want to live a life of a person who works everyday his 9-5 job, just to survive. I want to live, I want to do things, I want to experience things. I've got depression for almost a year now (started smoking weed a half year ago) and it feels like I don't fit in this world. Everything is wrong about the world: The people, the society, what is considered right and wrong, the government and the list goes on. 
I remember when I had slight depression, but the problem is, is whenever I try to be happy again it just get's worse and I get disappointed from the world. My childhood was like that too. I just get more and more disappointment the more I live. 
I got no reasons to live but for the drugs.
But maybe one day I could be happy without them (even though it seems impossible to me)? 
I kinda feel happy rn, because my school is closed and I can spend more time with friends, alcohol, weed, mushrooms and all of that stuff. But if I look at my future (and I'm only 15), it seems like I don't have one.",moderate
dev_pid_1283,feeling so miserable : I’m 20f and I have depression since I was 12. Lately my depression has been getting so worse that I keep disappointing everyone around me. And I think the person I’m dating is going to break up with me because of that. I’ve tried suicide attempt once but my mom caught me and she sent to hospital which I had to stay for 24hrs and it was also a police case (it’s illegal to kill oneself in my country) so I’m too scared to do it again. But I’ve been feeling so miserable and depressed that I don’t know what to do except cry myself to sleep every nights. I am such a useless person....,moderate
dev_pid_1284,"my brain feels so numb from these negative thoughts : i just wish i could stop thinking. yesterday i had one of the worst breakdowns of my life and i curled into a ball and felt like i was being kicked around. today, i wish he died. i wish he felt somewhat fucking bad that he did all of this to me. but he has to excuse it. we dont even talk anymore, why am i still thinking about you? god if i could just slap myself into a different direction where i never met you, i would do it in a heartbeat.",moderate
dev_pid_1285,"Feeling down about life never being the same : Hi everyone,
Not sure if it was right to post this here, I think I'm only doing so so that I can write down my thoughts. 
I'm a really fortunate person, I am married to a wonderful wife, I have two beautiful daughters, I finished studying last year, have a grad job and am getting a new house built later this year. 
But... I've struggles with depression for the last couple of years, I tried going to a doctor, I wanted to start antidepressants before seeing a psychologist but he didn't agree, so I guess I stopped seeing him. 
What's really gotten me down lately is just thinking about being a teenager, the really good times I had with close friends, the movie nights, hanging out after school, playing music together. As I've gotten older (23 year old) I've drifted apart from everyone, I see them from time to time but nothing like I used to. I feel awful for not fully enjoying the life I have with my wife and kids. I go through phases of suicidal ideation, I've called lifeline a couple of times in secret, I would never act on them but I sucks feeling that way. I just feel like running away, I keep making arguments with my wife accidentally because of my bad moods. I don't know how to feel better.",moderate
dev_pid_1286,"This is all too much : It’s hard for me to gather up the words I’d like to say right now. In all honestly i am so entirely lost for words. Trying to think about what I want to say is so hard. I really need a willing person to talk to me. 
I’ve been going through a lot recently, become depressed, gotten anxiety and ptsd. How can one keep living on like this? How can I continue?
The sleepless nights, the headaches, the chest pains, the panic attacks. It’s all so uncontrollable. 
I can’t do this anymore. 
I just need someone 
Anyone
To talk to
I’m so lost and so trapped, please someone get me out of this. This is all too much.",moderate
dev_pid_1287,"I'm such a horrible person... :   
I’m sorry if it’s going to be long, but i really need some advice right now. 
I’m a girl, 18 years old, it’s my last year in high school. I suffer from depression, anxiety and extremely low self-esteem, that’s probably because of my narcissistic parents. I’m the middle child, i have two sisters. I’m neither the oldest and smartest, nor the youngest and cutest. I’m just nobody. But apparently I’m exceptionally talented in math and physics. Let me explain. 
When I started high school 4 years ago, I had absolutely no I idea who I was. After many years of denying and desperately trying to forget the nights I cried myself to sleep feeling like an orphan. I felt guilty for feeling like that, because i had food, clothes and a roof over my head. My siblings hated me as well, they were always jealous of me. Two years ago i had a severe eating disorder, and all i received from my family was even more hatred. I don’t think i need to explain the horrible effects of narcissistic parents on a child. But they did love my sisters, for a reason that was unclear to me. So i needed to find it out, in order to change myself. You probably guessed that nothing really worked. I must have been so bad, I didn’t even deserve to be loved. I felt like i was worthless. Honestly i still feel like that. 
My physics teacher was the first one to tell me otherwise. He said i was talented. He said ’If i will ever have a daughter, I want her to be like you.’. I just couldn’t handle that. If i was so good, why didn’t my own father want me? It confused me. I constantly felt like an impostor, i was afraid that if he would get to know me better, he would find out how bad i am. I felt like i would only disappoint him. 
I cried several times in school, i cried on his shoulders. He told me about his own narcissistic parents, he told me that he had been an alcoholic like me. One time i was so miserably crying, i noticed tears in his eyes. Generally he was a pretty gruff person, but it all changed when he talked to me. He even offered to land me some money, so i wouldn’t have to work so much. 
I felt so bad, I didn’t want to let him down. I felt like i didn’t deserve a single minute of the time he gave me. I started skipping his classes. I felt so guilty, i couldn’t even look into his eyes. He once confronted me about it: ’I think i have done much more for you in these 4 years’. 
We don’t go to school now because of the coronavirus. I didn’t even say goodbye to him, I don’t know if i would ever see him again. Even if i do, I won’t be brave enough to tell him this. I don’t think he has any idea how much i love him and how much he means to me. He’s not only a role model, but a father i wanted so badly. How do i tell him how sorry i am? How he saved me from commiting suicide so many times. How he believed in me, and how i let him down. Should i write him an email? But i don’t want to cause him more problems. I don’t want him to feel bad for me, i want him to forget me. I don’t want to blame him for the stupid coping mechanisms of my sick mind. It’s only my fault that i couldn’t deal with this. But i don’t want him to be angry at me, or feel like i am angry at him. I hate myself. How do i make up for this? Is that even possible? I deserve to die. 
I feel like a fucking idiot writing this. I’m aware that i had an opportunity that is exceptional for children of nparents. My parents were right after all, i’m in fact a horrible person.",moderate
dev_pid_1288,Is it Okey to not like reality? : I have depression and anxiety and it's been a year and I still haven't gotten any better. I have all my doctors and I drink medication but I still feel this awful feeling that I don't know what's going on and why. I really hate reality and every time I think about it I want to die (sorry about the grammar mistakes English is not my first language) and how should I explain to people that I don't want to live that way?,moderate
dev_pid_1289,"I feel numb : I don't feel like I can say ""I love you"" back to the same guy for all my years when all he does is keep doing the same mistakes. Talking to other couples and playing along with them behind my back. I honestly sometimes feel played.. like what do I even do at this situation?? I tried breaking up with him but he's trying to make me feel comfortable again with him so that he could do the same mistakes over and over. And honestly I don't think I feel the same anymore. I don't feel successful in life because I never have achieved anything in life yet. No drivers and I can never get the quiz right, no career, and no jobs but has lots of volunteering histories... I don't have health benefits either and I think I may have a tumor. And with Corona virus going around I don't think I wanna be in hospitals.... I'm always a miserable and ungrateful person. Always try to fake smile so I don't ruin days for anybody else. I don't even play games anymore cause these dark thoughts of mine keeps coming in my mind..",moderate
dev_pid_1290,"Corona isolation is driving me insane : Hey so I usually don’t post anything here and when I do it’s usually my worst state of mind. I’m from Slovakia. My country is not on a total lockdown but it might soon be. I can still leave my house but tbh I don’t have any friends in my small town. My girlfriend ( my only source of happiness the past months ) lives one hour away and we can’t see each other. It’s making me hopeless because we have no idea how much longer this will go on. And when will it end. Probably not that soon. I just, I feel like I’m going insane being stuck at home which is weird because all I ever wanted was to be stuck at home for a month. Now I can’t do it. I live with my parents ( I’m 19 ) but they are usually at work the whole day. I’m just so lonely here. And it’s making me anxious that I can’t see my girlfriend for god knows how long. Any advice on not being in this depressive rut? When I can’t go anywhere or see anybody?",moderate
dev_pid_1291,"I'm tired of people telling me what to do in order to make my depression go away. : ""Shower! Have a milkshake! Think more positive! Dye your hair!"" 
That's not how it works. These things don't even provide any sort of enjoyment because anhedonia is a bitch. I understand doing these things is better than doing nothing at all, but they don't even begin to touch this...darkness. It's simply too damn pervasive.
I also understand that they're just trying to help me get better. People have been very worried about me. I appreciate their concern (sort of), and I can see that they are trying to help in the only way they know how. But it's rather unwelcome advice. I don't need to be told what to  do, I just need people to 'listen to understand'. 
It's very frustrating and makes me feel even more guilty/like a burden because I can't make myself get better.",moderate
dev_pid_1292,"My whole life/reputation is a lie : Hi guys, my thoughts have been all over the place for the past few days so the body of this post may not be as structured as it should be.
My whole life has been a series of disappointments with a few good bits here and there. My dad was abusive to us and my mum but she still believes the Sun shines out of his ass. I used to see him maybe twice a year at times because he lived in another City and fucking left my mum with 5 children to raise all on her own and she was still faithfull to him all those years. My mum made us think he was Superman and it's taken me many years to realize just how much damage he did to us.
We had a very sheltered upbringing. Most of my friends were people I went to school with. I didn't talk to any neighbours or anything. Not having a father figure and being raised mostly by my mum meant that there were certain things about being a man which I had to learn from other men or didn't learn at all. I'm pretty okay-looking but my self-esteem is in the gutters.
On Saturday evening, I was expecting a girl (I met her at work) to come visit me. I knew she liked me a lot because despite her having a boyfriend of 3 years, she still got on the bus. I then started to think about all the discussions that got me to that point. I had lied to this girl from the very first word I spoke to her. I knew what I was doing when I said certain things to make her fall for me. After realizing that the entire image of me she had was a lie, I had a mental breakdown, returned home and told her not to come anymore.
Now this is where this shitty feeling of depression comes in...
During this nervous breakdown, I started to look back on my entire life and I realized that I've been a pathological liar all this while. Currently, I'm 25, male, and as far back as high school, all the lies I had told people about how rich my parents were. I lied about things I claimed I did (just to make myself seem cooler). Now, started coming back to me and I just realized how stupid I must have looked to everyone.
I lied that I had been on holiday multiple times abroad when I had never left the country for one day.
I lied about having sex and losing my virginity (this time in University) when I really hadn't.
I lied to my coworkers about previously having been a boxer. I've never stepped in a boxing gym in my life.
The lies I mentioned above are just a small fraction of stupid, unnecessary lies I told people. I said these lies to the extent that I started to believe them myself and they became part of me. But I'm sure as hell the people I told these lies to never did which makes me feel even more ashamed of myself.
I have so many skeletons in my closet when I did those things, they all seemed normal to me but these past it seems all my mistakes and stupid decisions have come back to haunt me at once. I feel extremely guilty and sad. The world doesn't need people like me.
Now I don't even know who I am or what the future holds for me. I don't feel a lying-ass creep like me deserves to have good, fruitful relationships with anyone... Maybe that's why my social life is complete garbage.
The silver-lining to this is that at least now I know the stupid things I used to do and I kind op have an idea of how to make things better for myself. For starters, I'm going to start actually boxing because I think it will help me overcome these demons. I'm also going to try to stop myself whenever I notice my behaviour tending towards my old self. I've booked my first therapy session this weekend too.",moderate
dev_pid_1293,"A plea for help : The title is true. I need help, and I have none. So far the only 2 friends who I have talked to haven't helped. And I'm too nervous and anxious to ask anyone else for help. Seeing a therapist or councillor I just don't want to do, it seem scary, I'm anxious to do it and I don't have enough spare time for it. Despite all of that. I feel unfixable. A lost cause. Even if I did go to therapy, or a friend reached out. They still wouldn't be able to help me I feel. Every day I get worse and am constantly feeling the same and doing the same things. Listening to depressing music, barely eating and still gaining weight and fat. Saying I'll exercise then feeling too depressed and tired to later. Doing nothing for 3 hours. Working until 11pm then waking up at 6am to only feel worse about myself for eating the tiniest amount of food. There is no purpose in my life, nothing good going for me, no one to care for or live for. The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm scared of committing suicide and I won't burden my family. It would be so easy to just end it all, I would have no more worries, bad feelings, useless work or effort in general. I could just be in peace and cease living this repetitive depressing spiral. The thing that scares me most, is that I'll keep living like this for my life. I can't see why it'd end, there'll come a time where I probably will just end it, but for now I have to keep feeling so fucking shit. I wish someone would come over and just shoot me. My one wish, to die.",moderate
dev_pid_1294,"My House, Sorry. : This is my house, it's a fuckin wreck but I ain't got nowhere else. 
Let's step up on the porch, its where I spend most of my time cause I dont like to go inside. That's old faithful, she only holds one bullet and it's there for me when I die, an that's my rocking chair where I like to sit and lie. Shall we go inside?
Sorry the place is a wreck, depression runs the place and the dude's a mess. This is the whole place, just a dirty kitchen and an empty living space. 
Oh down that way? Well that's how you get to the basement. Wanna see? Follow me down this hallway, so dark and dingey. I dont know what's behind these doors, it's a fuckin mystery and dont know if I wanna see.
See that door at the end? That's the basement. That's where anger lives but he's chained up. I only let him out when I'm alone so we won't go down an say hi.
That? That's the door to the attic. Theres no attic in my house get the fuck out, bye.
Sorry.",moderate
dev_pid_1295,All I do is think about killing myself : I’m exhausted to the point where nothing feels good anymore,moderate
dev_pid_1296,"Deep down truthfully I don’t want to get better because I don’t believe it’s possible. : It just doesn’t matter. I don’t believe I’ll ever not hate myself. The best I can’t do is neurotically lie to myself as a defensive mechanism just because it’s to painful to sit with my self. I can pretend I’m doing better but let’s all be real I’m not. The most comical posts on this sub are the “I’m leaving this sub posts” translation- “I found a defense mechanism that will work for 2-4 days and now I pretend to have all this wisdom to further keep convincing myself I’m not depressed, magically medications gave me self esteem!” Shit is a joke. 90% of those people post again here within the week or just get mad when there pride is hurt again. I just don’t care anymore. It’s never not gotten worse for me in my life. It always gets worse. I can’t talk to people, I can’t get through shifts at work, I regress into child like states of mind where I feel like I can’t think independently. I’m always on and off a host of drugs. I don’t even know what’s real half the fucking time. I don’t have any passions or emotions. I only have enough interest in an activity to the point where it will cover up my pain, not because I want to do it. Anything and everything I do is just to mask the pain. I’m toast and always was",moderate
dev_pid_1297,"I hate you : I hate you so much. Yea sometimes I wish we never met and that shouldn’t offend you because you’ve said the same thing about me and not to me might I add. You’ve brought me to my lowest of lows countless times and I hate myself the most for allowing you to have that much power over me to bring me there. I can’t say it’s all your fault because I was weak enough to put myself in these positions but I don’t want you in my life anymore. You don’t respect me and you don’t love me. I’ve watched you carefully, I’ve watched your actions, your demeanor and I’ve excused all of your red flag behaviors. I’ve cried so many tears for you so many unnecessary tears for you so many worthless tears that I wish I hadn’t. I wish you’d just leave me alone because Ik I’d be happier that way I just know it.. yes you’re helpful but you’re incredibly toxic and I’m tired of coming last and feeling less than anything because I thought that you decided my value. I really do hate you I can’t pull myself to stop saying it. I’m alone and I don’t want to be alone I’m shaking and having panic attacks, mental breakdown but any way I look at it is all my fault. It’s all my fault for putting so much into you. This is the reason why I can’t pull myself to do anything because I still hate myself way more than I could ever hate you. I want to scream it from the top of my lungs. I just wish you’d leave or that I’d leave. Because I can say all this but I still can’t push myself to do anything
I don’t even know if there’s a word that surpasses hate but if there was I wish I knew it
I hate myself so much
How could I let you make me feel this way
How could I get this low again
How could I be in this same position
How could I give you this much power
How could I not stand up for myself
How could I let this happen over and over again
I want to feel ok again and happy again and with you in the picture it’s impossible Ik because I’ve tried
You’ve never loved me and you’ve never treated me like you did and for that I hate you and myself for being so blind to it
And even after writing all this I’m still going to do nothing
I’ve never felt so empty and helpless
I hate me",moderate
dev_pid_1298,"I find it kind of funny seeing people freak out about having no contact with others now the corona is here : The way I live my everyday life is apparently a reason for people to freak out. I haven’t had anyone touch me in months and now I hear people whine about not being able to touch or hug eachother or hang out with their friends anymore for a few weeks. It makes me sad that being touch deprived has become normal for me. But I find things that are sad funny because of coping mechanisms, so I guess it makes me laugh.",moderate
dev_pid_1299,I finally took a shower in like 12 days! : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1300,i'm pretty shit : man i just want to have a cry about how shit i am. i crashed my dad's car drink driving to the hospital after fucking my arm up too bad. i can't stop messaging my ex with mean and manipulative shit at 3am after i've had 24 beers. i can't recall what day it is or when anything happened or what anyone said to me. i'm a drug fucked alcoholic who only makes the worst decisions. and these fucking pills make me eat so much. i wake up every day terrified of my phone. and i'm pushing 30,moderate
dev_pid_1301,"I don’t know if I even feel anything anymore : Not sure I want to either 
I’m an awful person
If I could feel remorse I don’t think I could cope",moderate
dev_pid_1302,"No, you really can’t relate. : What I feel isn’t part of your cool “depression trend”. 
It’s not cool to spend entire days feeling like you’re being choked and not able to breathe. 
It’s not fun to wake up and not want to do anything for the entire day.
It’s not normal if so many of your closest friends have tried to commit or want to commit suicide.
I don’t feel relatable when I’m spending days drinking away the pain deep inside my heart and mind.
How do I really feel?
I feel like I’m lost with nowhere to belong
I feel like I’m worthless to even my family and friends.
I’m scared that maybe all I’m meant for is to be the poster child for mental health awareness.
I strive to be greather than what I am, but don’t feel like I’m actually worth what I want to be.
I feel like an outcast everywhere I go.
I want to go outside to get away from home but I want to go home because I hate being outside.
So no my friend, I don’t think you can relate... As much I wished you could.",moderate
dev_pid_1303,"I tried to tell my friends I'm depressed but they doubt me... : I tried to tell my friends, but they make me feel invalidate me. I don't know what to do, it's just that my doctor recommend me to talk to my close friends to open myself. Even it is hard for me to do it, I tried. The feedback of them, makes my feeling get worse. They say that I don't look like one because I'm always smiling and putting a lot of efforts but the truth I just don't want to be burden and even If I smile I feel empty. I don't know if it is just me or not but I'm seeing that my friends doesn't really care about me. It's hard to speak about my situation and what I am feeling right now, cause I do really feel that no one would understand me. No one would try to understand me.",moderate
dev_pid_1304,"I cant afford therapy : I cant afford therapy. I spend every second that I'm in bed dreading the time that I have to get up, and every second that I'm up wishing I could collapse. Getting non-fatally hit by a car would solve practically all of my problems, so i should pribably discuss that with a professional, but I cant. What do you people do to feel better?",moderate
dev_pid_1305,"Quarantine/social distancing is making me feel even more trapped and hopeless : I live in the us and my city is essentially on lockdown. All “nonessential” businesses are closed, there’s an 8pm curfew, and most people are socially distancing. 
Being depressed, I’m already usually separated from other people and now not even having the option to go out makes me feel even worse. 
I don’t know how long this will go on for, and I don’t feel prepared for it. Mentally or practically—I don’t really have supplies for that long.",moderate
dev_pid_1306,"I don't want to keep going anymore. : I've tried getting better, and improving my life, but it doesn't work. I can't even do shit right at my job. The only thing keeping me alive right now are my mom and brother, but at this point I barely care anymore.
I am so tired of fucking trying when nothing gets better. I hate my fucking job, and I hate myself. If this is how my life is going to be then someone come and fucking kill me now so I don't have to put up with it.",moderate
dev_pid_1307,"My problems have no solutions : I can’t solve the dread I feel about getting/having a job, I can’t fix the hatred I have for living in this world, and I can’t fix the suffering I feel for merely existing. I keep thinking that there’s a way but no, the problems never go away and I have to keep living with them. Except I can’t do this shit anymore. Life to me feels like playing a really shitty game with no quit button. What am I supposed to do to get out of this shit? Kill myself? Life must really be garbage if I want to take myself out of it. Fuck I hate all of this bullshit.",moderate
dev_pid_1308,I'm scared to let myself be happy : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1309,"No bf, no friends. Super depressed again : I moved last year to new city and was dating a guy. In the process I lost friends by not keeping in touch. I’m currently back at my parents for spring break and I broke up with my bf a few weeks ago and didn’t realize how lonely I was until this break and self quarantine. I tried reaching out to friends that live here but they have all moved on and want nothing to do with me anymore. I have a great family but I still feel so lonely. I ended up reaching out to my ex (not the one I broke up with) the other day and we texted for a few hours and he stopped replying. I never thought of myself as a bad person but the fact that no one cares to talk to me anymore hurts.",moderate
dev_pid_1310,"Just ugh : Hi my name trevor I am an 8 grader so my daily life is I go to school I sit around listening to blah blah blah all day but every damn period I get named called like I small I get it I got a hair cut that makes me look bald they call me bald boy, small boy, and many more so I walk into first period and I look around and say shit here we go again back in this hell first period goes like it does when I get to second period spanish class I sit in my sit like a normal person but I accidentally like normal I off in my own land the teacher calls my name to get my attention it didn’t talk long for the whole class to chant my last name bc they think it fun like plz stop my face goes red instantly I am embarrassed so they kept chanting my name for like 5 minute and I sit there awkwardly and embarrassed waiting to leave the class but during class we watch a video and some of the stupid 7 graders start throwing gum and hit me I was mad but I had my angry under control well if I get super mad then I lose control of it so I just sitting there sucking it up the bell rings so I go to third period which is gym class at our school there normal gym and team sport which you do sport but on a team so I trying to do my best for the team but they won’t give me a chance so they did but I mess up and they whole team mocked me and told me when we play any game again to just sit down and save the team from misery so I did but that not all before we get started some people who I don’t like but it they think I do like them so they pick me up bc I am small and drop me on the ground it hurts bc I either land on my back or my head so went to my grade level counselor so I went to her for help so I ask to get switch out of team sports but she tells me no and I try to tell why I want out but she doesn’t listen so I get mad and storm off so I just suck it and go on with my day fourth period starts so I do my work and this one kid I used to be friends with hates me back I am bisexual and he try to hurts me but I can’t go to anyone bc I won’t go to my administrator bc he just does to much and he worse then my counselor so I just suck it up I wish I had more confidence to stand up for my self I also suffer from depression so my life is so great",moderate
dev_pid_1311,"I'm so lonely : I keep telling myself I'd just have to settle on being alone without a partner nor friends but seriously it fucking sucks I've been isolated for 2 years now. I feel so anxious when i go out, im so ugly i hate myself",moderate
dev_pid_1312,"Help me? : I’m 19 years old, f, I’ve been struggling with my mental health for 6 years on and off. I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years almost now. I love him, but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed when I’m around him, when we argue I get so angry, i don’t take it out on him or anything, I hold the anger inside of me to the point that I’m brought to tears and I want to hurt myself. I hate myself, if I could sit in the house all day and not go to work I would, I’ve put in a weeks holiday at my work so I can stay in our house all day. I’m sick of being me.",moderate
dev_pid_1313,I just don't feel like doing this anymore. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1314,"I'm extremely annoyed, but also jealous of everyone who is happy about the ""world slowing down"" due to Corona : First  and foremost I can't stand all  those ""I'm an introvert, it's so great  to stay home now"" posts. I'm an  introvert as well, I have depression as  well. But this is not some  selfcare vacation where I take baths and read  wholesome books, this is  pretty serious. I am feeling trapped, there is  nothing nice about not  being able to go to restaurants or bars or  cancel all your travel plans  or not see your closest friends.
Also,   great for all of you who can relax at home and watch Netflix. I'm a   freelancer and my income comes from a lot of events which were   cancelled. I will need to live off my savings I didn't intend to spend   while others apparently have a great time just hanging out at home. It   gives me anxiety and I'm really afraid of being pushed to thinking about   suicide by all of this, cause I will be out of jobs for who knows how   long.
Also this pandemic is   bringing out the worst in people and it scares and bothers me a lot, so   it's even much more unpleasant to just hang around at home.
I'm   obviously still staying home, cause this is important, but I am so   annoyed with all of those people being soooo pleased with everything   stopping and crashing down, because they don't like to go outside",moderate
dev_pid_1315,Contemplating : I have be seriously contemplating suicide for months now and different scenarios and ways to do it and i think today might be the day I'm just so tired of it,moderate
dev_pid_1316,I need help. Bad : I've been putting it off and this is the first time I've spoken about it. But I feel I have bipolar mainly because I can be really happy but at times like now I just feel like what's the point of me in the world. I don't know what to do and want to get help,moderate
dev_pid_1317,I want to die because I have to work : There are many other reasons why life is fucking shit but work is one of the major reasons. How the fuck do people expect me to do this shit for decades without breaking down in agony? Finding a job I’d tolerate is pretty much nonexistent which makes me feel even more hopeless. What am I supposed to fucking do here. Suffering in silence while continuing to wage slave is fucking bullshit and I’m sick of it. I want to quit everything and stop existing. Fuck work.,moderate
dev_pid_1318,"Depressed over my weight :( : I am so skinny  92ibs / 42kg to be exact. I'm a girl, 17, 5'3. Nobody else is as skinny as me, nobody. All the guys my age at school are all similar to each other and have healthy looking bodies. They all grew boobs, even my skinny friend has boobs and I never grew them. I'm as flat as a pancake. I'll never be sexy or wanted. It's my dream goal to gain weight, but my parents are poor and wont let me get a job until the summer. I'm worried I wont be able to get a job either. I'm worried the virus will get in the way. I want to be able to afford my own food. I would love to be healthy. Being so skinny and not being able to relate to people makes me feel alien, abnormal, gross and like theres something wrong with me. I wish I look different. I feel so disgusting and i hate my body a lot",moderate
dev_pid_1319,"Why do I get suicidal thoughts after being too happy for a while... : After a very nice and fun day, before I go to sleep, suicide comes to my mind. I dunno why this happens to me. It keeps me awake for hours no matter how sleepy I am. It makes me feel cold and my body shivers like shit. 
Does anybody experience this too? I've been depressed for a very long time and whenever good things happen, it just makes me want kill myself more. It feels like I don't deserve good things and happiness..",moderate
dev_pid_1320,I feel lost : I'm not even sure how to describe it anymore. I struggle to see where I fit in anymore. Everyday just feels like a constant cycle of suicidal thoughts and I can't cope with it anymore. I don't fit in with my family and don't want to be around them anymore. Sometimes it feels the only way forward is suicide because I don't know what else to do.,moderate
dev_pid_1321,"Always worrying about personal appearance, what others think about me : I am a 21 yr old virgin. In terms of appearance, I have a unique look to myself, my right side of my face is very attractive but because of a surgery that went wrong the left side of my face lost a lot of bone and looks really weird. Also my nose was crushed. Genetically I should've been good looking, my mom was a model and my dad was really good looking and had a babyface. I look like Frankenstein. I have had girls show interest after only seeing me from a certian side but after hanging around me they always lose interest, a girl who once called me hot even told me afterwards I wasn't that great looking as she thought. Yeah, cold as fuck. All this makes me worry so much.",moderate
dev_pid_1322,"They Said Life Would Get Better : But now we are in national emergency and I’m more suicidal than I’ve ever been. I attempted in January only to live to witness this devastating crisis. I will most likely not survive to April.
no it didn’t get better",moderate
dev_pid_1323,Being happy makes me uncomfortable and I feel like I need to return to my usual depressive state : Not just feeling happy but feeling ok,moderate
dev_pid_1324,"I have absolutely nothing left to live for. : I am not capable of making any of the changes I need to move forward, but those around me only seek to bury me further. My mom stole my savings ($6k from me, maybe $500 from her) that I had for a car. Without a car, I can't work, (extremely limited public transport in my area) and without a job I can't afford medicine to keep me functional. I have incredibly debilitating ADHD and no insurance, I am no human before treatment. Just a wasteful leech. I use heavy amounts of marijuana to cope with my inability to live but it doesn't truly help. I have no friends, and my mom isn't the worst in my family. I am bruised and scarred from the abuse I have taken over the years, and I can only go down. This coronavirus thing has gotten me thinking, maybe I should try to get it. Try to die, then. It's what I want. It's what I need.",moderate
dev_pid_1325,"What’s wrong with me? Please help. : Okay, so I don’t really know how to start this, but here it goes. I’ve been insecure since I was around 12 years old, but every year it gets worse and worse. It’s to the point where I feel like every problem that I encounter is a direct result of me failing as a person. I’ve been feeling like this since around 2017, but this in December of this year it got so much worse. 
I had my first anxiety attack and I’ve just been spiraling from there. Sometimes the mean thoughts get so loud in my head that I just curl up in a ball and cry. I feel like ripping my skin off. I don’t know how to stop it. No matter how good at something I am, if I get even just the tiniest bit of criticism I shut down and lose all my confidence. It’s like I can’t be happy with anything that I do. I’m so so tired of it.
I don’t know if this is a normal thing for teenagers or not because I don’t really feel comfortable talking to my parents about it. I don’t know how to explain it. Sometimes when I get really low I plan out my suicide. What point in my life I want to do it, how I want to go, that kinda stuff. I know that’s not normal, but at the same time, I just don’t feel like I’m depressed. Everything in my life is going good. I’m not gloomy. In fact, I’m happy a lot of the time. My grades are great, my family is amazing, I didn’t have a fucked up childhood, I have tons of amazing friends, I have so many hobbies, and I’m even happy lots of times, yet, I can’t stop feeling like this. It’s like something’s not clicking.
I’m sorry this was so long, but I’m really struggling, and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I don’t want people to worry about me. I just want to be better. I’m scared to post this because I feel like I’m just overreacting, but I’m reaching my limit here. I can’t keep living if this is how it’s gonna be all the time. Please help me.",moderate
dev_pid_1326,"The thoughts of suicide are getting stronger and more recurring, any advice? : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_1327,Self quarantine has heightened my need to cut everyone physically & emotionally from my life who don’t take the pandemic seriously because they keep spreading the virus and also left my fiancé except he lives with me I’m self sabotaging I think because I can’t communicate properly anyone relate? : [deleted],moderate
dev_pid_1328,"A never ending cycle : Don’t you think what we have is just such a never ending vicious cycle? This condition just makes us withdraw ourselves from everything, which then makes the condition even worse. We feel lonely, but then we self isolate ourselves from our friends and then we feel even lonelier. I know I’m getting more and more distant from some of my friends (or at least I thought they were my friends), they probably don’t know the heck why, and I never tell because discussing about mental health is such non-commonality in the society I belong to plus social anxiety makes things 100x harder, and I feel even more sad because they don’t seem to even sense something is amiss and never bothered to ask why. I still have a handful of friends who knows and cares, and I’m thankful for them. But when I think of it, it hurts me, when people whom you thought might care, doesn’t.  
And then when I decided to say fuck it, let’s go try something new, then the world decides to throw this pandemic on us, stumbling up all my plans for the year. 
Ever since I’ve been diagnosed with depression, I just feel like every step I make is an uphill battle, and I’m so tired. Every time I get the illusion that I’m getting better, then some stupid thing comes out of nowhere making me take 3 steps backward. It’s tiring, and it makes me question my very existence in this world.",moderate
dev_pid_1329,I don't want to exist right now. : I've never been suicidal because I'm able to rationalize the idea that death is permanent and I'll eventually get another emotional high. I just want to temporarily stop existing (maybe a coma or something I don't know).,moderate
dev_pid_1330,"Struggling w suicidal thoughts because of quarantine, but counseling appts all cancelled : I’m NOT doing okay with my school and workplace being cancelled and shut down. I live in an abusive home and can’t leave in general, so school was my only safe place. Now it’s gone. 
I can’t get mental health help through school anymore, given the closures and the shelter in place order in my area (Bay Area, California). My appointments were all cancelled. And I can’t do online therapy because my job is suspended and I have no money. I worked through the school, and I won’t be getting paid at all this month. 
I really am considering just swallowing a bunch of pills and never waking up. Every single mental health support I had is gone, and I am not okay. I’m cooped up with someone I am scared to be around, and the only friends or whatever I have are snapping at me because they’re stressed too. I’m just so alone, and I want to remove myself from the equation entirely. 
I CANNOT do this for three weeks. I want to die. 
I just want to be safe, with people who are kind to me. That’s it. I just want the pain to stop.",moderate
dev_pid_1331,"Still not okay : I thought everything was getting better these past couple days/week but here it is again. I’m drowning in my thoughts. I’m feeling worthless, and just overall like I shouldn’t even be here. I feel like I’m just around others because they have to be around me and I honestly am just losing hope in myself for getting out of this funk.  When I see a glimmer of hope for getting back to normal it gets crushed. I just want to be okay again. I want to be myself and I feel like that will never happen. I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of having nobody ask how I’m doing because I’m not okay. I would say something if they would ask but if nobody cares I’m not going to say anything. Fuck, I’m tired of these thoughts.",moderate
dev_pid_1332,"I hate life right now : Hi,
I'm going through a really rough period and it feels as though everything is getting on top of me. I'm a second-year student studying Computer Science with Games Programming and I'm really struggling.
Right now I have 5 deadlines due in - one in ten days. Luckily I have almost completed the programming for the one in ten days, but I still have to write the report and fix little bits. The rest of them are causing me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't feel like I'm going to pass them at all.
I don't feel like I've learned much at all in my time here, I hate lectures with a passion because just sitting there listening to someone drone on about something when they'd rather not be there does not help me at all, and honestly, I'm just completely burnt out and exhausted. Everything feels like the biggest job in the world - even just sleeping and waking up feels difficult and heavy, nevermind having to code an AI and understand quantum computing.
I've tried to do my own research, get stuff done on time and look after myself during all this but I just can't do it anymore. I'm struggling to remember anything, I barely even remember yesterday. Every day feels the exact same.
Then it comes to placements. I have applied for some placements and thus far have not been accepted for any of them. I have just applied for the final one that I'm actually interested in and am really, really hoping that I get it because I know that I'll be really disadvantaged if I don't get one. Additionally, the placement sounds awesome and I literally cannot do another year of education straight after this one, I'd end up just dropping out.
I think what is really frustrating to me is that all of the placements have expected us to know several things in a great detail of depth which IMO, we haven't been taught. I have tried to look at this stuff online and in books, and just cannot concentrate on it. I'm too burnt out to read and remember the stuff, plus I find learning from books to be just as bad as lectures. The modules which are meant to be teaching us this stuff have either been on strike or have not covered topics in-depth enough to meet the placement's needs.
We have also had lessons canceled due to strikes for months and now the uni is doing all lessons online due to coronavirus - I don't feel like we have been taught much at all and I know that I'm going to struggle with online teaching more than I do in person. For two of my modules, we have just been told to copy and paste stuff and that's it.
My head is just constantly thinking about uni and work over and over and I can't seem to get it to stop.
I just really needed to rant. If anyone has any advice for me or anything then that would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks",moderate
dev_pid_1333,First time hospitalised : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1334,"I wish I never existed : I remember back when I was a kid I always had those moments when I felt really bored of life. Then I though everyone had those moments, but one day I asked my family about it and they said they don't know what I am talking about. I just went with it. Another thing I felt back then: I wished I never existed. Every time I heard something about a biggest wish that is what I though of. I just didn't want to kill myself because that would've affected others. Just the though of all the wrong things I've done not to ever been made.. and I could end all the pain ever and not have to suffer anymore without hurting anyone.. it's just great.. I don't want anyone who reads this to think the same as I. I feel like I am being an idiot by making such a big deal out of this. I think I'm really over reacting. But I really don't want to! I know all the people that made me really sad are really nice people and I'm just really over reacting to the point that I wish that they were actually bad people.. I don't have any type of idea what I want but if I killed myself I wouldn't have to think of any of it. And to not risk everything or make anyone miss me not ever existing would be an even better version of it.. I don't know what I want",moderate
dev_pid_1335,"I am feeling depressed because of what happened. Am i a worthless person? : So to start of:
I had a group of ""friends"" with whom i liked to play games and all that. We would very frequently play for hours. I was quite bonded to them (but they weren't to me that much). One day they treated me very badly and kicked me from their group. This hurt me a lot, because they treated me cruelly just because something small and insignificant.
A few days later, i decided to go into their game and troll (basically ruin their game because of what they did to me). One of those guys said that for me even garbage is a compliment. I feel so bad now about myself and i am starting to fear it might be true.
Is it true or does it just mean i am sensitive and emotive?",moderate
dev_pid_1336,"I don't see any other way out : # TRIGGER WARNING
Hi everyone,
My depression has been getting worse for the past year or so to the point now I feel like suicide is the only possible way for me. When I try to think about the future, my mind just goes blank. The feeling of waiting for the inevitable with so little motivation and so much negativity has completely taken over my life.
My psychiatrist told me to go jogging because exercise is the best way to beat depression. Due to the corona virus, he told me to play games, watch videos, listen to music instead. When I said that I wasn't motivated, he had a look of disappointment on his face and told me I couldn't do nothing and expect improvements. The meds haven't been working very well either so I'm going downhill fast.
I'm still going through a breakup so right now my psychiatrist is the only person I trust (Like 60%). I wouldn't be able to go out even if corona virus wasn't a thing.
I don't know what to do. Even if I were able to survive this, I still wouldn't want to live the rest of my life. I hate this world, the lies, the hypocrisy, selfishness, rudeness. I feel like I'm holding onto something that doesn't even exist.
What do you think I should do at this point? 
Thank you. Stay strong everyone <3",moderate
dev_pid_1337,I’ve been in quarantine in my head for 2 years : I’ve been stuck living in my head and it doesn’t seem like I’m getting out anytime soon.,moderate
dev_pid_1338,Hey. Really struggling. Never felt so alone. Just want to smoke and chat to someone. I just want human company. : I’m 28M from Scotland. I’m just living in an awful situation and life is just unforgiving just now. I just want to smoke and chat shit with someone else who just wants to escape for an hour or two.,moderate
dev_pid_1339,"So depressed, feel like a shell of a person. : Was struggling with being lonely before and this virus stuff now has me feeling like the whole world is falling apart. I struggle with anxiety too and have a history of panic attacks so this is not fun. And I cannot go online anywhere without seeing it. So I tell myself I should just focus on being present in my life and cleaning and cooking and whatnot but no. I get so lonely and sad.   
See my life is already quite isolated and I was already unhappy and depressed over everything so this is just the way it is for me. I have been trying hard to get my kids out and meeting new people as we just moved here but now ugh. It is so hard! And my son is sad a lot of times too. We are just struggling as a family.   
I did finally get to bed at a decent time last night but then woke at 4 AM wracked with fear and anxiety. Just my body was freaking out, heart racing, mind racing. I finally fell asleep when it was 6 AM or so. Those few seconds when I first wake up are heaven, cuz my brain hasn't registered anything yet. Once it does it is like oh crap, I'm still here. 
I'm just so tired of hating my life! I want to be happy! 
I have a lot of things that I guess for people are like life goals but I never actually wanted this lifestyle. And I have been trying to figure out how to change things to make me happy and not hurt my family just so I can be happy.   
Like I'm married, I homeschool, I have support from my parents and good relationship with them. But that isn't' the whole picture by far. I am actually so lonely, so struggling every day just to do basic things like shower because I am so depressed and I hate myself. I feel like a huge epic failure of a person. 
I gave up everything I ever wanted in my life and now I am just so stuck and have been for a very long time. It is all a long messy, nonsensical story that I will not bother to bore you with. 
All that just to say I am sad, I am stuck, I am trying my best but it never seems good enough and even on a ""good"" day I feel empty and hollow. A shell of a person.",moderate
dev_pid_1340,"I’m a loser : I have no job, essentially dropped out of school (schools closing has made this even worse), my ex girlfriend who I wanted to marry is now dating someone much more successful and better looking. I was depressed before I met my ex. We dated for three years and my depression went away and I felt great. Now she’s gone and I’ve realized how empty my life is. I go on tinder and other dating apps not even really to find someone else, but just to talk to people and try to raise my confidence but I’ve stopped getting matches or people just unmatch me. I feel ugly and worthless. The only reason I live is for my family and I can’t put them through the pain of suicide. My dad who’s been sober for 30 years even said he’d probably start drinking again if my brother or I died. I tried to hang myself when I was 16 but couldn’t go through with it and got myself admitted to a ward. Now, I feel that pressure on my neck that I felt when I was 16 and I want nothing more. I have some friends that I talk to online and that makes me feel better but when I’m just by myself all the feelings come back. This pandemic just makes it even worse because I can’t really find a new job because places might have to start closing down and I can’t really go outside much.",moderate
dev_pid_1341,"Struggling to reach out for help : So I've had a long bout with mental health. I am 19, and have been dealing with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I've tried literally everything, 2 therapists, 1 psychiatrist, rehab & sober living (wrongfully put through that and now have some PTSD as a result). I was put on prozac when I was 16 for a few months and also tried Wellbutrin when I was 18 for a week during rehab (never wanted to take it but was sort of forced to). I've tried literally all the options to help myself, and every single one has let me down even more that I could imagine. As a result, I don't trust anything, since everything that was supposed to help me only ended up hurting me. Because of this, all of my mental health progress has been by and from myself, and I manage all my mental illness alone. Yes I know its not the best thing to hold all my emotions to myself, and I have plenty of healthy coping mechanisms (no drugs) to manage it all. Every single time I open up and say all the stuff going on in my head people just look at me and tell me I'm really strong, but nobody can ever offer me any help, leaving me to do all the work. Managing my chronic depression & anxiety, PTSD and ADHD isn't easy (no external help or meds) and it's manageable, but I also know its not sustainable. I don't know how to reach out for help anymore and this is my attempt. I am not suicidal anymore, but I have to change my headspace as its overwhelming literally every moment of existence. 
Thank you for reading this post.
tl;dr - I have a long mental health history and don't know how to reach out for help anymore since every option I've tried has failed me.",moderate
dev_pid_1342,"suicidal-need advice :( : covid-19 isolation DEFINITELY isn’t helping. I’ve been isolating myself from my friends quite a lot lately due to the depression I’ve been fighting since I was 12, but they have no clue I have it. I constantly sleep on their plans. They’re taking it as me being flaky and not caring enough to see them, so now they’ve been giving me the silent treatment and refuse to talk to me. I have no intention on telling them my mental health problems, but now I’m having irrational thoughts that they’re better off without me and that I should just be dead.
I made the effort to reach out and hang with them + sent a huge apology text, but they’re ignoring me. I just feel so sad but I did this to myself.",moderate
dev_pid_1343,"Losing the will to live due to COVID-19 and mass quarantinage : I felt the best I've felt in weeks when I went to the store with my mom and sister earlier today. 
And then, when I got back in...I felt heavy, lethargic, and not wanting to put in the full effort to breathe. 
Between the government/elite/corporati batshittery exposing how HORRIBLE everything is, to being isolated from everything, to an impending lockdown coming, to not having any more real meaningful routines or anywhere to go,, the uncertainity, the nagging doubt things will even be as *equally* good coming out of this compared to befpre Feb 2020, to,....it's all exhausting, I try to take in deep breaths to keep myself oxygenated, but what's  even going to be the point when we're probably all infected with COVID-19 anyways and like a good half of us are the walking dead due to this thing anywyas. 
Happy St. Patricks's Day. This sucks and I don't care, half the time I can't even *make* myself care.",moderate
dev_pid_1344,"Anybody else want to do something, but don't have the motivation to do it? : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_1345,I think ive went into another level of depression. : I cant stop thinking of anything but hurting myself and others. I dont wanna die but i want other people to die. I keep on shaking and cant stop. Im pobably just insane. I feel good and happy alone but angry and sad with people and im happy when other people get sad or hurt. I just wanna be alone and i dont want anyone else in my life.,moderate
dev_pid_1346,"It's done : I never knew how to name my titles, I finally cried this year but it's not a happy cry, I've had to push my only friend away forever since I've always been having a breakdown and I felt like she had to suffer because of it. I couldn't handle it anymore. I can't handle this life anymore. I wish I wasn't a coward and just died to save everyone's time and money honestly. How pathetic am I, just absolutely worthless",moderate
dev_pid_1347,I just want to disappear : About a decade being completely lonely and it’s made worse that people are toys. I just want my eyes to close forever but thankfully soon I’ll have ways to do it.,moderate
dev_pid_1348,"How do i overcome this feeling of loneliness? : Its been 3 years now, since I haven't had any best friends. I have no siblings and my parents are Workaholics. So at the end of the day it's me alone at the house. These 3 years i've been all alone because i failed my second year at college,so people just stopped talking with me or having very less contact. The failure of academics and an ankle relocation injury have taken a toll on me and since then, i've been nothing but depressed. I can't find my way to life again. I'm scared to even cross a street guys. Zero confidence i have from myself. I still fail and try to get back up but being so unloved and underappreciated is just making feel so lonely and i can't really go on like this man. I tried to these 3 years but now i am so tired, i just can't continue any further. I feel like giving up already.",moderate
dev_pid_1349,"Depression Gang Rise Up : See, to start things off I want to say that I dont think I'm depressed, but many of my friends opinions and other things make me worry. I'm not suicidal or do any self harm, just one thing really scares me and that's desensitization. I'm only 14-15 and I haven't felt any heavy feeling in a good 1.5 years now, I feel void. I'm fairly scared of coming out because I feel I wont be taken seriously, I truely have no clue what to do.",moderate
dev_pid_1350,"I’m a pos, and you’re a pos too. : Perhaps I’m just playing the victim, but life has been pretty shitty lately and I’m spinning circles in my head. Am I the problem? Are all of the situations I find myself in, woven by me? Am I the diabolical monster weaving this fucking hell I’m stuck in? I’m so fucking tired of my brain coming to the conclusion that I am the victim. I’m tired. Some how it’s your fault that I’m codependent. It’s your fault that my choice in men has always been the worst. I mean, it has to be your fault that I married at 19, to the only person stupid enough to say yes. It has to be your fault that I’m four years into a relationship I feel has no escape. I’m drowning and I have the weight of an entire second person tugging at my feet. I fucking blinked and here I am. Years older but my brain feels like it hasn’t evolved in the slightest. Still easily disturbed and hurt. Still putting all my trust into one person just to be let down. Just to come to the harsh realization that they are human too, they make mistakes too. I know, I know… Everyone fucks up, but why does it feel like the world is ending when the people that mean the most to me fall short of my unrealistic expectations? Why do I feel ridiculously deceived? Surely I am their whole entire life, surely their world revolves around me. Why do I get stuck with these insecure, unsure thoughts rolling and crashing in my head. Surely it’s your fault, of course. I mean you were supposed to be the only man that never left. You were supposed to be the one that held me when I was let down. You were supposed to show me that I deserve more than what my taste lusts for. I’m sorry you never had that either. I’m sorry no one ever showed you right from wrong and I’m sorry no one held you when your heart was broken. 
I just don’t know what to do now. I keep trying to stay in a rational state of mind and stray away from the path that was paved for me. It just so hard when I keep playing the victim.",moderate
dev_pid_1351,I hate waking up : Immediately being overwhelmed with all of the thoughts that I was able to escape in sleep. Just a wave of feeling like complete and utter garbage overtaking my mind as soon as I’m able to open my eyes. Remembering the things the things that’ve ruined my life up until this point.,moderate
dev_pid_1352,"I can't take it anymore I am tired of trying : i feel like am faling apart like worses then back i also feel like im losing myself tha makes me feel so weird and empty i just want to end it it al get so worse those feelingn that i started cutting while i made a promise to my friend i would never do it again i feel so depressed al i can do is wait til it gets better and pretend im al right even tough its hard somtimes ik i wil get trough it music also helps me alot and im realy thankful for the people who try to help me on the otherside i dont need there help i can do it on my own... i feel realy weird and bad for lying to everyone about how i feel but somtimes its just better not to tel the truth but then later on when you wanna tell the truth it only gets worser im so scared to tel my parents and im also scare that they wont understand it so i better dont tel them i dont wnat to give them more worries then they already have. i feel so wothless i can do nothing right i fail al my math test and then they say ""study more"" while i study 16 hours my parents are also a lil disappointed in me cuz i dont have good grades but if they would only know whats wrong with my mind they would react different im sure but im just to scared to tel them i dont wanna let them down but i feel like am already doing it... life is not what i tought it was.. i was so dumb to think that life was easy...  im happy i did this i feel a lot better now .. im happy i found this subreddit.",moderate
dev_pid_1353,"Where to go? : Hi, 
As the title suggests, where to go or how to help yourself where my options are severely limited?
My GP can only organise pills for me. I have no way of acquiring a therapist. I have been severely depressed for past couple of weeks and mildly since about November.
I don't have a trusted parent, sibling or a friend that I could open up to. I tried a while ago but I ask to support me in functioning day to day, pushing me to work and they just tell me they're sorry or they wish they could help. You know, the empty ""You can talk to me, it will get better"". Then they cut contact. My boyfriend just says he doesn't know how to help me and has phases of randomly complimenting me or texting me to tell me he loves me for two days straight then he forgets all about it. I'm sure he tries his best but I just wish I had more support and he says ""he can't help me anymore than he does"" everytime. I feel so trapped. I always have to pretend I'm fine. I always cover up with humor. It seems like I'm insincere or dramatic when I finally snap and just say I'm a mess. 
I can't afford a therapist. My university counselling office won't help me. They offered a suicide hotline numbers (?) and  ""we're sorry but this isn't a psychological support that we do here"".
How to cope? Where to go?",moderate
dev_pid_1354,"PLEASE HELP ME : Please ignore my grammatical errors
 And thank you if you are reading this 
So the thing is I am trying so hard to be happy and ignore the toxic people in life but the thing is I don't have friends, not a girlfriend. This is eating me inside making me awkward around people which gives the weird vibe around people. I am anxious around people which make me a different human which make more difficult to make friends.  
There were some people in my life which I thought would stay around me so I ignored toxicity and thought it will become better but it backfired me because when I tried to talk to them about what they have done to me they turned the table around me and blamed me for all. Now I don't know how to make myself innocent and they have played with my emotions and I want to prove myself and want pay for there deeds 
I am trying so hard to don't give a f*ck but overthinking is killing me and I am losing all my self-confidence and self-respect.",moderate
dev_pid_1355,"Can anyone help me : I'm doing my finals this August. It's so close! Bc of depression & anxiety it's really really hard to motivate myself to do things. I'm having a really hard time these days,,,
So can anyone say something to motivate me up I hope this will help me😭💖 please I need your help this means a lot to me❤️",moderate
dev_pid_1356,"Venting a bit : I realized recently that I might have bipolar disorder based on a couple of friends I know who have it and also the symptom checklists that I have looked at. I have been diagnosed with general anxiety as depression but lately it’s felt more than that, particularly in the swings between extreme optimism and sociability, and pessimism’s day depression. 
Anyways I was looking online and found an online counseling website. One of the boxes you have to fill out is info that the counselor will look over in order to have a better understanding upfront. As I was filling it out I poured my heart into it and explained my feelings better than I ever had to anyone before, even myself. I was feeling like there was hope in figuring out what the fucks going on in my head. Then I hit the “next page” button and it brought me to the payment section.
Never did the website mention that it was a paid thing up until this page. I understand that it’s a business and the counselors have to get paid somehow in order to not do a completely shit job, but the fact that they didn’t mention that until you’ve already broken yourself down and opened up really pissed me off. It felt like they were saying, “okay what’s going on, what’s wrong? Oh no that’s unfortunate, now before I give you any help for all of the super personal stuff you just opened up to me about, I’m gonna need your credit card info. Oh you can’t afford it, well fuck off then.” 
It’s 3:23 am where I live and I feel completely stuck. I am a college student working two jobs just trying to make ends meet while also juggling the exhausting unpredictable bullshit in my head everyday, and the fact that I have to pay for help with something I didn’t ask for and wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy kind of astounds me at the moment. I don’t know where I’d be if I had visited the site without the semi level head that I have right now and had been hit with that price tag for my well being. 
I don’t want to get too political on this sub but honestly fuck capitalism right now 
End of vent gonna delete this tomorrow when the other side of my personality gets mad for posting this 
Hope you all have a good and safe night",moderate
dev_pid_1357,"I made a poem symbolizing my current life right now. Depressing, but writing poems is my only hope of backing off the edge right now for me : I look down,
 down toward the eternal chasm of peace,
along  with solitude and darkness,
 but peace nonetheless.
 I summon all my will,
 but the mind stops me.
 So close, yet so far.
 All I now do is wait,
waiting for the push, 
the push that’ll bring me to rest.  
But it never came.",moderate
dev_pid_1358,"I'm angry at my family for something they couldn't possibly know and I'm so mean. : I wanted to kill myself a couple days ago. My family was supposed to leave the house for a few hours, which would give me time to do it. They didn't leave and I'm so angry. It's not fair on them. They couldn't know. But I'm still so angry. I'm not supposed to be alive right now and yet, here I am. And it's all because they decided not to go. If I had chosen not to, been moments away and stopped because I'm a coward, that would have been fine. But no. I don't even get to blame myself for it. I just wanted it to be over but now I have to keep going for longer. I hate myself for hating them over this.",moderate
dev_pid_1359,"I think i am depressed. I have lost interest in nearly everything. I dont know the reason why its happening. I imagine myself being hurt or dying but dont want to commit suicide because i want to support my family. : Hi i am a 16 yo boy. I sometimes think that its not depression and its just a feeling that would go away but it comes back from time to time. I think i have lost my identity. Friends tell me i used to be enthusiastic. Although my family members aren't aware because i am good at hiding things but they also notice that nothing interests me. I indulge myself in activities like eating, playing video games and studying to distract myself from these thoughts. Also I didn't had any traumatic phase in life and hence i dont know what is causing it. I am out of energy most of the day. i sleep a lot especially in afternoon and wake till late night. Is it depression or something else. Please tell how to cope it.",moderate
dev_pid_1360,"What’s the point of life : I don’t understand how I’m feeling and all I can describe it as is numbness but it’s past that point and I’ve felt like this for a long time, I feel like I don’t belong to this life like it isn’t for me. I can’t see myself in any career, my own family my own little life I can’t see it , I’m so disconnected from social interaction I don’t leave my house much and the sad thing is as much as I hate it I don’t want to change it I have no motivation I’m so tired to the point I don’t see a point on living when I’m so tired I can’t do daily life like everyone. What is the point to this life? How do you really find happiness I feel nothing I get the occasional anger and I’m always Irritated but besides that I feel nothing and I hate it I can’t cry I can’t laugh I can’t feel anything",moderate
dev_pid_1361,"My emotional numbness won : So basically for a while ive been unable to feel emotions. I can see horrible things without feeling bad, I cant be happy and I cant have fun and I just feel dead inside. but I have a teacher that I really liked for a while now. (idk if I loved her or not, I didnt feel anything) I loved talking with her and I always looked forward to the next day and every time I stopped talking with her I got a bit down I guess and every time she smiled it made me smile. But idk, its not like that anymore. I dont really care about her anymore, I dont look forward to tomorrow anymore and seeing her again everyday is not the same. I think my depression/emotional numbness killed my ""love"" for her. living sucks.",moderate
dev_pid_1362,"Hating what I used to love : I don't know if this is the right place to post about this, but I thought I would give it a shot.
I've been an artist my whole life, ever since I can remember. I went through many years of art school, and while studying I was doing well. Art has been synonymous with my identity forever, and I've always wanted to be an artist more than anything else.
But I've also had mental health issues my entire life, and I've gone through a couple of periods of terrible depression in the past. I've been medicated since I was a child, so that's helped most of the time. But now, starting last autumn, I've gone into a depressive period that's a bit different than the previous ones. 
I think a combination of my medication losing efficacy and experiencing an artistic burnout are the reasons for this depression. I did two solo shows recently and have been pushing myself to draw so much, so I think burnout is very likely. In any case, I started to notice that I didn't enjoy drawing anymore.
Drawing became a terrible, dreaded chore. It started to feel like way too much work - and that work was not interesting or exciting. The work was also difficult and just SO much. SO many lines. Honestly, when I think about drawing I start to feel physically unwell. 
I've been advised to take a break from drawing, and I'm doing so. I haven't actually drawn anything for about a couple of weeks, and I'm going for one month. 
I'm just so terrified that I'll never enjoy drawing again. I can't even remember what it feels like to not hate drawing. But I still want to be an artist so much. Plus, I honestly don't have any other hobbies unrelated to art that I could focus on. Nothing else really interests me.
I should also mention that I'm switching medications right now, and I'm about to go onto a full dose of my new medication (which is actually one that's worked for me in the past).  
I've never experienced anything like this, and I'm so scared. Any thoughts or advice would be super appreciated.",moderate
dev_pid_1363,"Do these 30 things you don't like that will take up all your time and energy and and maybe you'll feel 5% better! : Eating healthy, exercising, socializing, cleaning, meditating, getting sunlight, talking to a therapist, etc. 
None of them have made a noticeable difference in how I feel, and I'm tired of trying to do them all when it's just more adding to my struggle.",moderate
dev_pid_1364,"I wake up and I’m already in pain : Fuck everything I’ve worked so hard and prayed so much and it’s all still going so bad.
I don’t know what to do anymore I can’t even wake up without crying I hate this",moderate
dev_pid_1365,"Depression from Chronic Iniury : Hi all, I’ve dealt with mild depression most of my life and handle it decently through medication, on and off therapy and CBT.  
However I’ve had 3 failed shoulder surgeries since 2016 and my shoulder pain triggers relapses into anger, depression, and feeling bad for myself.   I can’t play basketball anymore which I loved, I have trouble holding and playing with my two young daughters as well.  When I try something that I can no longer do (our daughter on my shoulders or shoot hoops in the driveway) it usually means I will be down for the rest of the day. 
I know people deal with much more serious strokes of misfortune than a bad arm but I often spiral into feeling bad for myself and being mad at myself for the basketball plays that led to the original injuries.  
Does anyone recommend a book, a method of CBT or any advice for me to deal with this better?
Thanks in advance, I appreciate reading this sub, this is my first time posting.",moderate
dev_pid_1366,"Depression or laziness? : For quite a long time now, I've been restless, not enjoying life at all(anhedonia), and lacking any sort of motivation to do anything at all. For a while I thought I was lazy, but I'm quite a rational person, and even when I've made full sense of why I should get up and do a thing, I recede into doing nothing again. I just don't seem to care enough about anything, nothing seems to be worth my effort. I have no passions or liking to things, I just sit there on my computer all day/TV. 
Most days I see no reason to get up or do anything healthy/productive. It's quite a nihilistic out view I have. I must say, I'm quite optimistic. As contradictory as that sounds I always look on the bright side of things, as it always bodes a better result.
Am I extremely lazy or depressed? I sure feel down most of the time, when I'm with friends it's okay, but it's not like any of my laughs or smiles are genuine however; I feel emotionless most of the time. This has been going on for at least a year or two and I really need to get work done and get on with my life so I don't fall behind. Any help would be appreciated :)",moderate
dev_pid_1367,"I'm a mess right now : I have no one to listen to my problems so I thought I would write them down. Then I decided to post it on here. 
Just moved to a new city and started at a new school. I don't miss anything from my old hometown, I'm actually quite happy to be somewhere else. Moving has been tough though. I had to give up my cat and say goodbye to my friends.
I have kind of 'joined' a group of friends at school. They're all pretty nice. The dynamic of the group is a little weird though. Its like 50% introverts who don't talk much, myself included, and 50% strongly opinionated extroverts. They mostly seem like a nice group of people though. In regard to making friends, things have gone pretty well. Trying to form deep relationships with people is a hard and long process though. It's hard not to get impatient and blame myself though. I feel like I'm being ungrateful because even though I think I've been lucky in finding a group of friends, which is exactly what I want, I still feel so shit.
I've never been diagnosed but I think I could have depression and/or anxiety. I would love to get some medication if it would ease the pain, but I don't want to tell my parents how I feel.
Over the past few years I've thought of suicide probably at least once a month, usually weekly or daily though, and planned it two or three times in my life. I've been thinking about it a lot recently. I've been researching pills I can get at a chemist that I could overdose on and I've found a suicide bridge that's very close to my house. I've been told that I should live for all the good moments in life, but the effort it takes to reach those moments doesn't seem worth it sometimes.
I'm starting to find it hard to trust myself. I'm like a different person from day to day, or even hour to hour. During the brief moments when I feel happy about something I worry about my emotions causing me to do something I regret. When I'm sad or empty it's all I can think about.
There's this girl who's not in my new social circle but who has been really nice to me. She seems like a really nice person. We don't see each other much but she always makes an effort to greet me. I'm unsure whether her intentions are romantic or platonic and it's making me dizzy. I really want us to become better friends or maybe more, but I am not great at social interaction and always make myself feel shit about every little mistake I make. I feel kind of like It'll never happen, yet I spent the whole afternoon texting her. I feel like I'm going insane.
The people I admire most are the ones that seem like the nicest people you could ever know and make you feel happy just being present or after a short conversation and you're always left wanting more from them. I aspire to be like this and make other people happy. I need to remember to smile more though.
Usually I have a high libido but the past two weeks my drive has literally been non-existent. A month ago my shit suddenly became sloppy even though my diet is quite healthy and hasn't changed much, I think it is anxiety causing me to be extremely tense all the time. I just started waking up at 4am every morning out of nowhere and I can't stop. I don't know what the fuck is happening to me.
I feel so lonely. I just want someone to talk to and listen to. Getting to that point with someone new takes time and I'm getting kind of impatient.
I don't know what to do to make myself happy. If things worked out with this girl I think I would be happier, yet the thought of her losing interest in me makes me feel awful.
Wow, this ended up really long.",moderate
dev_pid_1368,"I’m starting to feel like I’m not meant for this world anymore : I’m 17, and I’ve been feeling this way ever since I was 15. I have no friends, social anxiety and I’ve been homeschooled since I was 5. And to top it all off, I have asperger’s syndrome. I’d give away everything I have just to have at least one real friend who understands me and just to be normal.
My anxiety has gotten so bad that I can barely even go out anymore. I for some reason have a huge fear of kids around my age. I almost had a panic attack just for checking out my new college with my mum. I don’t think I’ll ever make it there. I like a lot of stuff that I’m sure no one my age likes and I get angry at my relatives for no reason. 
I hate being a teen. Why do hormones exist? Why is everything so complicated? Why am I losing my mind? I never used to have to worry about any of this shit as a little kid. I wish I could go back in time and undo whatever the fuck it was that made me this way. I come from a good family, so it’s not family related. Only thing I do is isolate myself from the entire world + my family by just staying in my room playing games and watching videos. I can’t do anything else.
The only thing keeping me alive is my family. I cry or feel like crying whenever I picture them looking in horror at me taking my life.",moderate
dev_pid_1369,"Can I leave some baggage here : Im not sure if this is the place to post this but here we go. Apologies in advance this is going to be all over the place, im on mobile and im lost. Not real names, this is a throw away etc etc etc.
Okay so im 22 M I guess I've been dealing with depression for about 8 years. I have anxiety , I'm self conscious and I like to believe im more fucked up than I actually am and if it's okay here I'd like to get it off my chest and talk about my life and where I am now to no one in particular.
I was never the popular kid. I was known but never popular. I was the kid that got picked last for sports or games, never got to play soccer with the other kids because I wasnt good enough, wasnt included in tag or hide and go seek, but I pressed on not knowing what the other kids were bullying me. I got to play lego or slap jack, tic tac toe, you name it, I played by myself. I had about 3 or 4 friends for most of primary school (kindergarten-grade 3). Not knowing how to interact with the other kids I was lonely. I didnt realize I was lonely as it was well normal for me. The world was out to get me and I let it, I had no voice. I didnt know how to stand up to myself for fear of hurting the other person for telling them how I felt. I was never taught how to show emotions or how to use them. Interpret them. I know what they look like and how they feel but showing them? Using them? You'd have better luck getting a volcano to spew water. But this is how I was brought up and its what I knew. Life for me was like looking through beer goggles for everyone else it was distorted and I had a fake image of what it was. Because of this I matured faster in other aspects of life. I grasped adult concepts earlier than most and grew into them. Into worrying about what others think of me, always comparing myself to EVERYONE else, not just the best or the people above me but everyone. I felt like everyone hated me and thought I was some annoying kid so I shut myself off from the world. That's the first few years of life. I ran around as a ""happy"" lonely kid. As I grew up and was about 10 or 11 I learned to read people and guess what they were feeling/thinking, how their day was going n shit. I learned to feed off of everyone's emotions around me rather than feeling my own. I essentially shut off my own emotions without realizing it and now I'm struggling with fixing it. I fed off of the kids that were happy and replicated their happiness as my own, I imitated them and copied them to feel included. I grew up like this trying to fill that big empty lonely hole I felt, i buried it deep down and (as a green swamp friend of mine once said) I became an onion, I made layers to try to hide it but nothing seemed to work. (Sorry this post has kinda became a pity party it was not my Intention, fuck it let's continue) the next couple years of my life pretty much continued on like this, building my wall of fake emotions to ""protect"" everyone else from my greatest enemy... myself, I didnt trust myself to not fuck up, didnt trust myself to really connect with anyone. I lied to everyone around me and pushed anyone away that tried to get close or learn who really was on the inside. It was repulsive and wrong but I didnt know that. I would say this is when I got my first taste of depression around the age of 12. Grades 5-7 I was the class runt/Guinne pig/doormat, I was the kid being bullied. The other kids unanimously decided I was the kid they picked on. Fucking private religious bullshit school did nothing to prevent what they were doing to me nor did they seem to care hell even the TEACHERS  would pick on me. So I accepted ""who I was"" and that was the school fuck up. I tried to take their name tag and wear it with pride. Yea it worked for a bit as armor. I made myself insensitive to the bullying for the first little bit. But grade 6 is when the smack down really started to happen and I became... the germ. These kids had gotten the idea to give me the permanent cheese touch or the germ as they liked to call it. This was the tipping point for me. All my so called classmates and friends I had suddenly turned on me and I was alone. Truly alone, left half dead for the vultures to pick at. I broke. I broke into so many little pieces, all those people I grew up around people I trusted turned. I couldn't touch anyone with out them screaming ""DONT TOUCH ME GERM"" ""GREAT THANKS NOW I HAVE TO WASH MYSELF"" and other hurtful shit like that. They couldn't even sit in a chair I had used without washing it and sanitizing it. Okay I say I was alone but I had 2 friends, payton and dane, they tried to help they tried everything they could but the other kids wouldn't back down. Half way thru the school year I attempted suicide. I had the steak knife pointed at my heart and started pushing, I drew a little blood but it hurt to much so I stuck around. I had only told dane and he kept it quite for a while like I asked him to but one day he told me that he had to tell the teacher, it wasnt something he liked knowing and didnt like how close I was to not being here. So he told that I wasnt feeling good in my head, that I was going thru some tough times due to the class and what they were doing. This teacher had 0 clue that it was happening and immediately went to the principal. Brought me with her and told me to tell her what was going on. I played dumb for so long hoping that it would just end. I didnt want to deal with it but they persisted and eventually brought dane in and asked him what was up. After he started to say something I broke, I told them almost everything. About me wanting to die, not wanting to live and how I wished everyone else would die first. I didnt tell them how i had attempted suicide. My worst fears had come true, I spoke up and now everyone hated me. They couldn't bully me but did they hate me. After the whole class got a ripped a new ass hole for pushing a kid to suicidal thoughts (yes I told them I had thoughts, no I didnt tell them I tried) I came back into the class room and I'm greeted with silence and stone cold eyes staring back at me. The first thing this kid told me (who I thought was one of the people that I had as an acquaintance) ""You know OP fuck you, you go and cry to the principal that we dont treat you nicely well guess what? You want us to treat you with dignity and respect well how about trying to treat us that way? Next time think before you speak"". I can't tell you how much this affected me. That kid got sent home for the rest of the week. This is supposed to be where that part of the story ends right? No those fuckers came back the next and kept calling me the germ, kept bullying me and bullied me harder than before. Grade 7 was a repeat of grade 6. Aging more and more I hid more and more of my emotions and just kept feeding off others and relying on them for how to react in different situations. Elementary school behind me and moving to middle school I made new friends, a new chapter in life. Friendsthat didnt judge, one guy even had the same name as me ""mysteriouslyreddited"". I started to notice girls at this point too. Two girls in particular, quinn and Anna. Quinn is a couple years younger than I had been babysat by my mother and I by her mother, they switched out as they both worked. And she, well Quinn's amazing, pretty no beautiful, shes got these eyes that just, her hair... wow. And her smile (._. ) just everything. She was my first crush although quickly forgotten (we went to different schools. You know out of sight out of mind. K not like that but I hadn't seen her in a while). Anna on the other had, well I can describe her similarly, but things were different with anna. They were. Easier??? Its. Well she was the girl I fell head over heels for and she knew it. We talked for hours upon hours but it was never meant to be. I continued on the same way I did in elementary school, by wearing armor and growing my onion. Anna and I stayed close for a couple years me being wrapped around her finger while she went after other guys. I got her a couple boyfriends reluctantly, I Introduced her to a couple guys I knew she was crushing on and I enjoyed watching her be with them (as i look back i was feeding off of her boyfriends emotions and mixed them with my own. Bad idea 0/10 would recommend.) And well this went as well as you may guess, it went great. WRONG. I was confused and shut off, shut down and shot down. I don't remember what started a fight between us but it went on for months. It became personal for the both of us. I told her not to come to my funeral she told me to fuck off and go die, words were said damage was done and I thought I was okay with it. I learned quickly that I in fact was not okay and my fight with her had broken my armour and I was bare, everything was out and we both fell into depression because of what we did to each other. I was having more and more suicidal thoughts. I had spiraled to my lowest point that I've ever been, self harm, alchohol, skipping school, it was the worst part of my life. Highschool is the hardest for everyone isnt it?? Its not oof my bad. I was skipping school, fighting with my mothers husband, smoking pot and drinking waaaaay to much booze. The fall out of not having anna in my life was ruining me, yes I felt for her and yes i wanted her back in my life but the hatred for her at the same time was almost outweighing the good I felt for her. I cut everyday for over 2 years. I didnt know what to do, the pain felt good and brought me out of my head and prevented me about thinking about anything as long as the blade was on me. My entire depressive episode was brought on because I couldn't stand up for myself or tell myself it's okay or when to stop. I lost myself, lost my armor, lost everything. Or at least I thought I lost everything when in reality I was only just discovering life. I became cold and truly shut off my emotions and didnt even feed off others. I became a robot. I woke up late went to school skipped all my classes, went home played COD or skyrim and went to bed. Rinse repeat and that's how I lived from day to day, month to month, for a couple years. I still haven't reconnected with anna (anna if you end up reading this im sorry for the bad memories. I like to think that we still have some love left for each other but i know that's false). As I lived like this my family life started to become stretched and strained. Being brought up as a christian I was told to believe in god, that hes the answer to all and just ask him for help. I called bullshit and that if he truly cared that none of us would suffer, if we suffer then why the fuck did jesus die on the cross for us? My grandparents and mother didnt take kindly to these words and how dare I speak about god in that manor. After mass one sunday i would have been like 15 we were at the grandparents and the topic of vacations came up and how I hadn't been on one in years and I'd like to go when peeps went down to visit cousins from another town a days drive away. It was spring break and they were leaving next weekend. I inquired if I could go with them and because of my grades I was told no. I told them if they let me go I'd pick up the pace in school and i would try, but only if they let me go. Well my attitude needed to be fixed because the next thing I know my mother is yelling at me and telling me how entitled I am and that Id be lucky to consider even going. Me being the teen I was I yelled back. Fuck yous were exchanged. My grandfather had enough and tried to manhandle me, no fucking chance gramps not in my current state. We had a fist fight that ended up with him having broken glasses, he litterally ripped my shirt off me, ripped my necklace off and threw me into a door and him thrown onto the floor. He got up and started to yell ""get the fuck out of here, you can come back when your damn well ready to apologize until then get out!!!!"". I replied with ""well then I guess it wasnt nice knowing you. When you're ready to get your grandson back track me down and tell me how sorry you are"" and left without looking back. He did track me down the next day and told me he was sorry about how he reacted and stepping so far out of line. That night after we made up and got a blizzard I went home to find my mother's husband fuming because of how I talked to my mother which cause a fight with him. That was the night I lost my home, my family, he had disowned me and cast me out like garbage. Even tho that was one of my lowest points I didnt see it as a loss. Yea i was fucked but i was also free to do what I want when I want. So I started working on myself. I moved to a new city enrolled in a new school and started fresh. While I did climb out of my depressing hole I have yet to beat depression. I got a great girlfriend and living large now adays . Started some anti depressants, counseling and what not. Well now Im gonna skip ahead to why I wanted to get some baggage off my back. A few weeks ago I went out to the bar with some friends and I ran into none other than quinn. I'd had some pregame drinks, had some drinks while I was there. I didnt eat anything that day, was already dehydrated and alcohol should not be consumed like that while on meds. So I was already drunk, feeling great, I'd seen quinn once and didnt know what to say so I just smiled and ""ignored"" her. Well let me tell you it was so fucking hard to ignore her. I mean if you were me you'd find it impossible to. So I did what any drunk man does, i had a shot and approached her, asked if I could buy her a drink and  From what I remember we hit it off. I had a blast but tbh I was not looking for anything in her I just remembe how I used to feel but more Importantly j remembered all the fun times we use to have growing up and all the memories with her over the years. I was.. no i am lonely and she seemed to just kinda be there. So we were talking, and I looked at her and time just seemed to stop. We talked but I don't remember what it was about. At one point I asked if I could kiss her. My self conscience was screaming at me telling me this was not okay but the alchohol was in too deep. There is so much that I wish I could remember about that night but I cant. I dont know what happened what I said or did. This is the hardest I've had to fight this depression in a long time and this time I'm worried that I won't be able to win. I don't recognize who I am anymore. I dont like this person I've become. I love my GF but I feel like I'm going to drag her down and make her depressed like me. I feel like I'm not good enough for her and I'm hurting her by being with her. I cant stop thinking about quinn but I think I fucked up even trying to be friends with her. There was a small spark there but nothing major besides I dont want there to be a spark right now, I've talked to my GF and she knows I have feelings for another. It was hard to deal with at first but after we talked about it she knows that im struggling with my feelings and that I'm not looking for a way to leave her. I've been on the verge of relapsing and going back to self harm. Im not crossing that line because when I do there's no turning back. Im tired of being depressed and I want out but he hardest part is figuring out who i am and if I can keep all my current bridges or if I have to go out and build new bridges. Im gonna keep trudging on and finding my way thru this fucked up place we call earth. Again im sorry this was so long and all over the place, if you read it thanks for listening, if you skip over this story thanks for not wasting your time (that came out wrong but ov well). I'm not looking for help I just need to talk to someone",moderate
dev_pid_1370,"Does anybody feel similar? : When I'm mentally stable I'm quite in touch with my emotions. I could definitely be better at it, but I usually know what I'm feeling and why I feel that way. I tend to rationalize my feelings and often try to think myself out of ""negative"" emotions, which I'm working on, but overall it's all right.
When I'm depressed I don't know shit about my emotions. Either I feel nothing at all or everything at once and I don't know where these emotions come from. I feel like all my emotions get mixed together and have one final destination: feeling depressed. Especially ""negative"" emotions like sadness, anger or anxiety don't exist in a ""pure form"" like they do when I'm doing well. But even if I start to feel somewhat happy the destination is feeling depressed. In this case my thought process looks something like this: oh, that's genuinely nice, I really start enjoying it - but it's gonna be over soon, someday it'll stop existing just like everything - yeah, basically everything is pointless anyway -> feeling depressed.
Does anybody feel that way?",moderate
dev_pid_1371,"My life story, I am sorry it's so long : Hi there to all witches who take their craft seriously and really work, I am very deperate and on the brink of killing myself, there is so much to life; this I know. Unfortunately for me every door, every option, every opertunity has been closed off for me since I was born. 
Before I say what I came here to ask here's alittle backstory...
Backstory - throughout my mom's pregnancy the doctors were absolutely sure I was to be born a healthy baby girl, but somewhere along the line something unexpected happened and I came out not only a boy (according to what I've been told and what's written on my birth certificate) I was also unfortunate enough to be born with cleft lip, cleft palette, asthma, droopy eyes(don't know if that's the clinical term, but basically up until I was 8 or 10 [can't remember] I was unable to open my eyes all the way), and various other problems. I have always felt like I should not have been born a boy let alone live past 3 weeks (another failed diagnosis, lucky me right?). 
My childhood consisted of doing stuff to get attention but really all I wanted was to be liked a very hard thing to do when you are basically physically retarded and cannot talk like everyone else and constantly being reminded how you are such a failer that you couldn't even be born right. Since my conciousness first made its way into this world I have found myself thinking as a girl, along with thinking how much better litterally my life would have been if I managed to get it right. My dad was never in the picture so growing up without a father has been difficult on its own, but of course I was informed my dad had the chance to come to America when I was born because of my condition, but he declined to start a new family and I'm sure he had other reasons. My mom always worked all the time so it was pretty much me and my older brother for some time. An older brother that constantly made fun of me along with my mom for how I talked and how I acted. My brother constantly calling me gay, faggot, bitch, you name it he's done it. I'm sure he was unaware of how I felt inside but it traumatized me so much I am afraid of being myself. My body is not shaped how normal guy's are either so I have no idea how to take that problem. At school o was labeled the retarded kid no one liked.
Once I turned 11 my mom met a man, let's call him D. D was/is military and I later found out they got married quick (span of a few months) to finance my surgeries because I came from a background of poverty being single parent with 2 kids (later 3). I was always treated like a pet and always had the harshest and most frequent punishments. I was always forced to do everything for everybody else. My brother had to go do something like talk to a neighbor to get the bike fixed, I had to do it, stuff like that. To this day I get asked by family to buy their plane tickets or order them stuff cause they ""don't know how"". I have always been used all my life. I am nothing but a tool. As I patiently waited for the surgeries that I was supposed to get (atleast just the one to fix my nose and make me look somewhat normal) when I was 12, then delayed to 16, then 18, and finally at 19. I received the first surgery and all they did was make my life a living hell. 
Medical history - The doctor messed up my nose and now theres a glasses size gap on the bridge of my nose, for the tip of it they put cartalage from my side [which they lied to me and took it out of under my right chest] is fat which I didn't even care about having in the first place I just wanted my nose to be straight and deal with the rest later. I was put in a maxillary distractor (fancy name for cage on my head). To move my upper jaw forward so that they can reconstruct the palate (roof of my mouth) and straighten jaw or whatever they were doing I have no clue and it seemed unnessesary to me. It did however improve my speech just a tiny bit. I had to wear this crap o. My head for 4 months. Later I then made my own appointments 2 years later (22) and got a surgery for bonegraft. I am still missing the tooth implant which I cannot afford nor will I ever be able to, and I have to have another surgery on my nose again. I have always suffered from depression because of this but not only because of my unfortunate medical circumstances. (Also I have been getting pains around my abdominal area so either I've got something going on down there that shouldn't be or when I was born the doctors decided it be best to stick a penis on me and call me a boy).
As for the other reasons why I'm highly depressed and on the verge of collapsing. I was forced by my stepdad to go into debt. I wanted to go to college but I wanted to do it like everyone else, a real place surrounded by real people so I can maybe make atleast one friend and not be a total failer. Of course my luck hits home again and he forced me to go to an online college with the promiss of letting me use the money the army provides to him for school use. I agree and then he turns and days ""yea no... Do it yourself"". Landing me 16k debt that I can't pay, 3k I was forced to pay (just to get my diploma) and 3k my mom was forced to pay for me to be able to enroll in classes. Before this though I was planning to join the military to get a one up on life, but apparently not God's plan. Since when I brought up the idea he straight refused. I was not allowed to work or go out, I did not have an allowance or any type of money except money I got for my birthday ($20 every year, ages 18-19-20) and it didn't help that I had no friends up until senior year in highschool (that summer is the only happy memories I have after leaving my home town. He was very controlling that's why I feel I can't do anything without the constant reminder of all the trauma I've faced.
I did however keep the promis I made to myself about joining the military. Unfortunately though I was not let in. After two years of waiting and providing all of the medical paperwork I was finally sent to MEPS for the Marines, finally a chance for me to straighten out my life and man up and get all these rediculous thoughts and feelings out my head. NOPE! Once I get there I take the ASVAP and score on the higher side (I know right smarts actually came in handy I might look like a retard but my mental capacity is on the higher side) scored 80. Go through medical everything good up until the physical, the doctor asks me if I always been tall and skinny (I have a very feminine body besides the lack of breasts and having a penis) I say yes, normal ok cool then I go to the eye exam and they tell me I have astigmatism in my left eye (this I knew it happened when I was about 5 or so, started hallucinating and seeing giant spiders with extream detail) I went to see if I can get this fixed they said and I quote ""the damage to your eye is so savire that we do not have the equipment required to even make a dent of progress, the best solution I can offer is to use the effected eye and hope it gets better over time, sorry but there is nothing we can do for you at this time."" - Lasik doctor. So dream job at Marines = no go. The MEPS people tell me to try the army cause they accept pretty much anyone. I do and same thing they say I can't join because of my stupid eye, gee thanks God. 
At this point I start thinking maybe it's not meant to be and give up. 
My job history is halarious, atleast to me. Almost even didn't get hired. First job at age 20, McDonald's. Mom gets a house with my brother who got to live my fantasy of being in the military and travel the world, who then decides to mock me and make my life even worse by deciding he needs a surgery on his penis (he thought it was so curved he can't have sex yet he never tried, now he's depressed and thinks he can never have it and the doctor messed up, doctor also gave him circomsition) this happened during my attempt at joining the Marines. Throughout the course of 6 months he would constantly scream at the top of his lungs and say how God hates him, this is punishment, lash out at me for no reason, and make me feel not only unsafe but want to take my own life even more just to get out of that situation. Once we move into the new house this continues along with me every day for months on end calming him down explaining and telling him to be patient cause it's not gunna heal right away and healing of the body depends on the mind state anyways. Because of the move I am forced to quit my job that I actually enjoyed, to transfer to another McDonald's on the side of town we moved to (two towns down) I work there for 6 months before quitting because of how unfairly I was being treated, everything was my fault, I never did anything right, I was lazy, the works (even though I did mainly everybody's job in the kitchen, everyday I washed the grill swept mopped multiple times a day, I would be on grill then on the table making the burgers, I'd go and get the 50 pound boxes from the freezer. You name it I did it.) I eventually quit after 6 months bought a one way ticket to California and said my goodbyes to my brother who called my mom crying saying I left and he tried to stop me... I was sick of his shit. I had shit I was dealing with all my life and now I have to deal with you and your problem too, (excuse the langauge but) fuck outta here with that shit. 
I have so little control over my own life that I only spent 2 days in California before my mom told the entire family where I was and got my aunt (grandma's sister so technically grandma, who's also a nun) to somehow convince me to go to New York and stay with my uncle. I can't believe I actually fell for their stupid guilt trip but somehow after only 5 days I was off to NYC. I told myself it's probably best since there are lots of opportunities for me to be a musican. Wrong. I was basically plummited into the same exact situation with different people. Greedy money hungry aunt, no jobs, no money, an uncle who works at night sleeps durring the day, wierd daughter that turned into her mother. I had to get outta there it got to the point where she was looking through my stuff while I wasn't there to find proof I could pay her $700 to stay in the shitty, stinky room they kept rabbits in. With a door that locks from the outside and a broken window, very small room at that. After two months of looking for jobs while making music simaltaniously I am being called a liar I good for nothing a lazy bum you name it that's what she labeled me. I manage to get a job at McDonald's again but in NY. I manage to set up the bonegraft appointment and lay on an air mattress for two weeks feeling useless and being called useless. I go back to work and then move into my grandpa's room he was renting. Lucky for me he was on vacation for the next two months. Durring this time when my granpa came back j felt obligated and wanted to help with his bills ultimately giving him what little I had. 4 months pass and after much consideration and mom/brother begging for me to come back I oblige. 
I then get a job at another McDonald's in the next town over oppisate direction with the help of my old boss. I work there for 6 months before quitting because of the same drama the first time and hearing people continuously talking shit about me making me feel terrible about myself even more and with the emense parinoia I was experiencing due to smoking too much (the parinoia was about how I hid the fact I'm not normal and that I wish to be a girl and intricate details of my life).
If you think that's it well your wrong... My aunt comes to the USA on a visa and is put in a shit situation feeling unsafe, according to her. My mom is the only one in the USA she knows, mom folds and buys her a plane ticket to stay here for the time being, money my mom didn't have, which is fine desperate times desperate measures and such. She stays here for an entire month and quickly realises there is nothing here, everything is far and you have to drive everywhere. The time that she was here I could have used to work on my music the 3 hours I was left alone in the house, but no. 
Everything that she bought or well made me buy she complains and says it's for someone else, complains she didn't buy anything for herself and how she had to use my mom's clothes cause instead of buy things for herself she bought for everyone else supposedly. She then says how she needs a phone and makes me go find one for her. After I go through the trouble of finding and iPhone 7 plus for a crazy deal ($150) which they usually go for 300-350 I go and I borrow money to go get her the phone. She then says oh... I wanted a more modern one....like yours.... I'm like ugh ok I reset mine give her it and she then says she will give me the 150 (my phone was iPhone X pristine condition). Months pass I still don't have a job (stopped looking to focus on getting my licence), everybody keeps making excuses not to teach me, and the piece of crap car that my brother was going to pass down to me needs a new battery so I can't use it, and he also decided to retract the offer before I got the chance to use it and is selling it because he doesn't want to pay for it. He is not rich but wealthy $40k in the bank meanwhile I'm 30k in debt 12 of which collectors are being sent now. 
Debt - borrowed money I didn't have to help pay bills to not be called worthless and useless. Borrowed too much then took 5k out and ran away to California
That brings me to the present day, some details have been left out as to not make this extreamly long.
(Side note: I have always liked girls but it's more like an admiration/envy type of thing, always wishing I was one cause I always felt just wrong in my own body)
Ok TL;DR shit life should have been born a girl, instead I came out with so many problems and mental issues along with the traumatizing circumstances I was put in and the problems still continue.",moderate
dev_pid_1372,"Just need to vent. : My depression has been at its worst recently and I’ve been trying desperately to find a therapist. The people I usually go through have told me it’s a 9 month waiting list and I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to wait that long so they suggested someone else. I checked their website and applied for therapy and managed to book an assessment appointment for next month. I slept easier last night at the thought that I’d be getting help soon only to wake up this morning to a notification on my phone saying they had cancelled my appointment as they no longer help people in my area. 
I’m just so sick of trying to help myself. I know it’s not their fault for not being able to help me, but just that brief feeling of hope meant so much to me. They shouldn’t allow people to apply if they aren’t going to be able to help or at least have a warning up. Everywhere I’ve looked so far has said to either wait, go to A&E or call 111 IF it’s an emergency. What classifies as an emergency? Because I’m almost certain I wouldn’t be considered one and I don’t want to waste their time considering the NHS is already stretched thin. I’d pay for a therapist if I had the means but I can barely afford to feed myself right now. I just don’t know what to do from here but I don’t want to give up.",moderate
dev_pid_1373,"I’ve changed so much : I’ve changed so much since I’ve gotten depression, I stop caring about school my relationships with my friend, I stopped caring what peaple think about me (witch can cause me to an asshole) before depression I thought I wouldn’t even touch alcohol and now I’m starving to do shrooms (don’t drink that much) I used to get decent grade and try now I’m just passing bc my teacher are rounding up my makes to 50, I’ve recently stopped cutting but only bc I have nothing to do it with and my gf doesn’t want me to. I just wanted to get this off my chest",moderate
dev_pid_1374,I can’t focus on anything and time just slips by into nothing. : I stopped being able to watch movies months ago. Now I’m finding myself in conversations I and I have no idea what we’re talking about. I panic because I didn’t hear what they said even though I thought I was listening. I’m not even thinking of other things my brain just shuts them out. I’ll take my dog out at 2.30pm and suddenly it’s 5.00pm. Where did the time go? Am I nuts or is this normal?,moderate
dev_pid_1375,"I wish to die, because of my constant failures.. : For 2 years...my grades are going down, relationship with my parents is deteriorating....I'm so alone....
I crave for love and attention, things I'm not having anymore...And for some brain especially.
I'm so stupid, I'm always failing at tests, while others are taking great marks.
And I took three bad grades(3 Fs), lower than I ever took, and my parents don't believe me with anything and screaming and threatening me ...
It's being going on for too long.
No matter how some people would try to help me...
It doesn't work.I've been to a therapist , it didn't work.
I feel so bad because people are sweet and kind, and  (some) teachers are good...but a bad teacher gave us a bad mark at 2 tests,(because he's cynic, even though we studied) and...
I wanted to study, but it seems like fate didn't want to keep up with me.I had a big dream , and I failed...
All in all, I'm a failure....
And I deserve to die, right before my 17th birthday, when it was supposed to be a wonderful time.
I'm sorry, for everything.",moderate
dev_pid_1376,HEY GUYS.. PLEASE HELP OUT : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1377,"I just can't get out of bed : I'm sick. I can't get out of bed. I am stuck. Can barely read. I wish I was dead. IDK how I managed to get so far. 
I'm always tired.",moderate
dev_pid_1378,"I cry almost every day, I don't know why. : I can no longer evaluate people's attitudes and behavior towards me.  everyone seems to hate me. everyone is doing something just to make me sad.  Although I try to treat people as lovingly and respectfully as I can, they try to make me sad.  For example, my friends, my crush and others.  I don't know how long my heart will last.",moderate
dev_pid_1379,"My family doesn't validate or accept my feelings, so I don't either. : Over the years, I've been called lazy for wanting to lie in bed, a baby for breaking down and crying, and selfish for wanting any time to myself. 
When they suspected that I was doing bad things to myself, I was also told that I would burn in hell for it.
I was diagnosed with depression, and even the doctor didn't really seem to care. 
So I guess I don't either. I don't take care of myself as much as I should because I'm losing my will to change. To be better. 
I'm starting to think that I really am just as useless as my family thinks I am.",moderate
dev_pid_1380,"I Don’t Care About Living Anymore : Over the past few months, my depression and social anxiety have spiraled out of control. At the end of my junior year of high school I had a really bad breakup and lost all my friends causing me to start self harming and isolating myself from everyone. Thankfully, this acquaintance I had took time out of his day to make music with me at lunch. It really meant a lot to me. He was the only friend I really had at the time. I had hung out with his friends a couple times before throughout high school, so I started playing video games with some of them. Eventually during the summer I got really close to them, and I became a part of their friend group. They really brought me out of that dark hole of depression, and I had never loved a group of friends more in my entire life. I had and still am going through extreme social anxiety, but helped me become more confident in myself and alleviated that a bunch. In the beginning of senior year I hung out with them after-school basically everyday, and it was the happiest I’d ever been. 
I don’t want to get into details but then something changed. A bunch of the group dynamics changed that made me felt inferior. I thought they thought I wasn’t as funny anymore, and was more weird and awkward. I reverted back to the state I was in with my previous girlfriend, and I started to worry incessantly that I would be abandoned by them. My mindset about the group also changed. I felt like I had to constantly meet their standards and entertain them or else they would abandon me. This has made socializing with them more of a grueling chore than a fun experience. I’ve isolated myself from them a lot, and I even feel a bit of anger towards them. 
There are these events that happen that make me feel like they think I’m weird, awkward, unfunny, and annoying, so I constantly try to change myself. I try to be less talkative, and apply a tight filter to what I say. I hate who I am. I can’t live with myself. I feel like everyone I interact with thinks I’m all of those things, and I can’t stand it. I hate everything about myself. My voice, the way I pronounce things, my mannerisms, my sense of humor, my conversations with people, everything. I can’t take it anymore.
Right now I’m on 50 mg Zoloft. Tonight I’m going to trip on 300 mg robotussin gels. There’s a possibility I could experience extreme even fatal side effects due to serotonin syndrome, but I don’t care anymore. I just want to be taken out of this reality for a while. It’s not even that I’m suicidal. I’m not trying to kill myself. But if that’s what ends up happening, I don’t care. I just don’t want to be here.",moderate
dev_pid_1381,"Missing the sadness : I suffered with depression for many years, and haven recently reached a turning point in my life where I finally feel good again, but somethings a little off, all my emotions are less extreme, sadness passes in minutes now and is nowhere near the intensity is was before, but I feel this weird longing to feel an emotion to that same depth and extreme again, has anyone else experienced this? Or am I going mad?
It’s like I was so used to the emotion everything else feels uncomfortable now.
I feel so stupid for feeling like this, I’m lucky enough to (it appears so far) gotten past the darkness that defined my teens and early adulthood, and I have this sick lust to feel it again?
It also come with this constant creeping fear that this ‘ok’ness I’m feeling now is a facade, that soon something will happen and I will fall back into my old state instantly.
The conflict of this fear and the longing is driving me a little mad.
I can’t talk to anyone I know about it because I’m pretty sure I’m gonna sound insane, so I guess I’m asking you guys.
TLDR: recovered from depression but missing the depth to which I felt emotions before, missing the release that comes with sadness of that extreme, every other emotion feels a little uncomfortable now, Anyone else experienced this?",moderate
dev_pid_1382,"Almost there.. : Just wondering if anyone is having the same problem as I. I am struggling for about 3 years now and I am not getting better anytime soon. Im getting sick of the job that I am doing, although I am good at it but it doesn't mean that it is what I want to do for the rest of my working life. The problem is I cant seem to stay at this type of job for more than a year. Ive been with 4 companies already within that span of 3 years. Plus I am losing my will to even work because Im about to lose my son, my partner and I had this stupid fight and decided to cut my ties between them. I am so lost right now and I cant sleep most of the time. I dont know what to do. Problems keep on adding and adding up. I need some advices to keep me sane. Or I might end up dead one day.",moderate
dev_pid_1383,"I just want to cry alone. : holy shit things went bad fast. Last year I went into deep depression, however I recovered over the summer and things were seemingly looking up. I got a job, my grades were good and was hanging out with friends regularly. However the past two weeks things have went to absolute shit. My parents decided they wanted to try some ""parenting"" and decided I spent ""too much time on video games"". Even though I really only played 1-2 hours a night. It was one of the main ways I interacted with my friends as well. After that they decided that my phone was distracting me so it was confiscated as soon as I got home from school. Then they decided to take my door off the hinges to look in on me more. The worst part is i don't even know why they are doing all of this. My grades were good, A's and B's and in 6 AP classes while working 20 hours a week and maintaining a social life. Everything was going so good. Now I get home and feel empty and alone. I can't even cry in privacy. then they have the audacity to ask ""Honey whats wrong, why are you sad?????"". I just dont understand.",moderate
dev_pid_1384,I'm done. : I'm so fucking done. I don't want to exist any more. Why are people so backwards and selfish. Why can't we just share when people are in need. Why do we need to keep using all these dumbass rules that only get in the way of social prosperity. I can't fucking stand it. This world is fucking sick and beyond stupid. If I had a gun I wouldn't hesitate to blow my brains out where I sit. Fuck this stupid fucking shit fuck it all fuck you fuck me fuck everyone fuck everything fuck you all. Fuck,moderate
dev_pid_1385,"Thank you reddit : I just fucking hate my life but have to keep fucking acting like everythings fucking fone and happy i cant bring myself to fucking tell anyone how depressed i am but i can post it here and tell you guys, you are my only escape from reality and the only thing that makes me feel less lonely",moderate
dev_pid_1386,"I hate it so much when you try and express your feelings to your parents, but they turn it around and compare your suffering with theirs. : I've been feeling really depressed and lonely lately from my job, I'm a full time late night janitor for a courthouse just 10 miles away from my hometown. Working there has been pretty easy, but I wound up feeling super lonely a lot considering I don't really get to talk to my friends or hang out with them much.
So just today I came home late as usual, and I have a little interaction with my mom after she made a joke to me that I took pretty personal and felts like was more of an insult rather than a sense of humor. I told her that I didn't really want to joke around like that, but she refused to listen and told me to just go away then. Despite attempting to change the topic and explain why I haven't been feeling so high, all she kept doing was telling what a great mom she is for raising me and my brother while struggling to make ends meet and keep the house. What an ungrateful little bastard I am for not appreciating her hard work and sacrifices. 
At that moment I was legitimately about to begin to cry. But rather instead of pausing and trying to reverse the damages, all my mom did was host a little parental style of the oppression Olympics and proclaim her amount of tears and cries over the course of three weeks. I got out just before my first tear would legitimately run down my cheek. 
And even before I went to bed, she goes on about how her life is more worse than ours than ours, then escalates into a more ""This is why you'd make a terrible mistake getting behind the wheel"" considering I had practice driving this morning. Unaware that she had just lite the fuse to trigger the firework, but she didn't seem to care. 
Thanks for reading, I hope you feel better soon and find the key to unlocking your next set of happiness. Along with having a parent who doesn't make your suffering all about them and why you shouldn't be depressed.",moderate
dev_pid_1387,"Hi : I need help. I haven’t been happy since I was 8 years old. Here I am 4 years later trying to get out of the depression hole I dug for myself. Therapy won’t help. It’s to the point where everyday for the past three months I have thought about suicide. I lost three of my best friends already. I only have a couple friends left. I used to cry myself to sleep but now I just sit for hours on end thinking and searching for a reason to live. I can’t cry anymore, no matter how much I try. I don’t need any pms telling me that life is worth living. I don’t need lies saying that people love me. If they loved me they wouldn’t hurt me and throw me away like garbage. If they loved me I wouldn’t be in the situation I am in right now. I fake my happiness so that they don’t worry about me. I build an armor around my heart to protect myself and others. I try to build a wall but it doesn’t work. I just keep falling deeper and deeper into my hole. I lost, angry and I tired. Tired of being here. I don’t need people to constantly check up on me. I just want to isolate myself. So I don’t have to be “loved” by all my “friends.”
I’m done. I’m sorry",moderate
dev_pid_1388,"I'm so tired of everything : I spoke to Lifeline (I'm from australia) and the person I spoke to was no help. Honestly, I wake up every morning regretting i did not die in my sleep the night before & explained that to them, they decided to get into a debate about fucking religion of all things. 
 I think at this point i just need someone to talk to, to be able to convince me why it's not a good idea to just slit my fucking throat or just jum off my balcony. Which I haven't done yet because I'm such a fucking coward.
Honestly i'm just so tired of everything & just want to end it all somehow without bothering my family.
I don't know what else to do. I seriously envy americans with their easy access to guns.",moderate
dev_pid_1389,"Look me in the eye and tell me it gets better. : Go out, too out of your mind with sleep deprivation to be coherent, sit around at home feeling like shit in all respects, have both of your parents dismiss that anything's wrong while pouring gas on the fire by being passive aggressive every time they interact with you, and when it seems like things might change, whether it's your own efforts or the environment just shifting, it all circles back to being the same again.
The ride never ends.",moderate
dev_pid_1390,"I can't see myself past 25. I am now 25. : For the longest time, I couldn't see myself living past 25. This mostly came about towards the last year of University and got worse around the end of 2017, when I wasn't landing work. 
In 2018, I met someone and suddenly I felt alive again. I felt calm and collected. Although I was stuck in the same loop of applying for work, it didn't feel as tiresome. In 2019, I got accepted into medicine and moved overseas. My partner starts tearing us apart 3 weeks into my move... I drop out of med school because the stresses from the break up became way too much to handle. Especially since I was overseas.
Now I am back to applying for jobs in my old degree and getting nowhere. I am heavily depressed. I can't see myself past 25 again. I have this strong feeling I will die this year. 
Atm, I welcome death with open hands... I am tired of life constantly shifting on me. :'(",moderate
dev_pid_1391,"A sad, lost ghost finally arriving somewhere (maybe) : So, I'm new to Reddit and mostly for the sole purpose of being a bit social and talk about my depression and anxiety issues.. Though I aspire to be an artist, that's what my username is all about, and express myself that way because I haven't been able to express myself in a very long time.. 
Today is my easy-going day.. so I smoked some ganja, eating some chocolate and trying to get myself out there, even if that is online and far away from living, breathing human beings! :3 (my boyfriend does the shopping, I just hide from the world). 
Anyhow, not sure what else to say.. I mean.. it says 'behave like you would in real life' so I guess I'm going to go back to hiding now :3",moderate
dev_pid_1392,"I feel like I'm in decline again. : I'm generally good at hiding it, but I just don't like the way my headspace has been going lately. Moving away from friends and attending a new school has hit hard, I haven't been able to connect with many people. I've lost motivation to do even the smallest simplest things. I don't want to slip, I've gone almost 3 years without self harm and I'm proud of that, but I'm scared.",moderate
dev_pid_1393,"I feel guilty about everything : I say sorry way too much. I get things said to me like ""why are you apologizing"" or ""you didn't do anything"". I'm a pretty shitty person in general (or I felt like I am) so I just feel guilty for everything. Some else is sad? Fuck that's my fault ain't it?",moderate
dev_pid_1394,"What's the point? : I have no desire to spend the next 50+ years working every day being miserable and spending my free time in misery.
Have tried therapy, almost all the anti depressants. Those work briefly. But I always go back to the miserable baseline.
I have been nothing but a financial drain on my family who still for some reason love the shit out of me. I sometimes wish they didn't so I can just die with no guilt.
Dad is about to Shell out $4 grand on ketamine treatment and when that doesn't work I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I really really hope I'm wrong and this is the thing that will work.
Thanks for letting me vent.",moderate
dev_pid_1395,"May take college medical withdrawal but I'll be broke? Long read : I'm at a cross roads. Yesterday, I had a mid term and showed up 50 minutes late. I had actually gotten up that morning to go and take it (my mom took the car extra early and came back late even though I told her that I needed to be at school). Unfortunately this didnt help the fact that I havent been attending school or doing the hwks and labs. My programming professor understood and gave me the slip to go back to do the labs and hwks that I missed. Though again, yesterday I was told that I'm approaching the deadline for this consideration very close and was suggested to take a medical withdrawal by my professor. This year just isnt my year. I feel withdrawn from everything and just cant bring myself to hold onto the shread of stability. Me missing my classes is also something I told my therapist and psychiatrist about. 
My professor wants to hold a meeting with me and my academic advisor to see if there is a way to avoid medical withdrawal and catch up on assignments. I appreciated the consideration until early today, when I realized that I most likely wont be attending lab today either. I cant keep doing this. This is the second time I've taken this class and its gotten admittedly worse. The first time was alright but this time...is terrible. I dont have a support group like last time and I dont have a team. My first time, I was turning in assignments but the lack on my part was not studying for the midterm but I still had a long stride of actually passing then. 
I have a sibling who faced this problem when she tried attending college. She got depressed, started sleeping in and never leaving for school. I dont know why we cant stay in college and actually graduate but it seems like a curse. 
If I leave school, I'm faced with having to leave my school job. If I lose my school job, I wont have any funds. My mother will be leaving me in our hometown and I wont be able to get help from her like I need . I know that if i withdraw, i wont be able to withdraw from one class, I'd have to leave all of them. I didnt have the best if luck from finding work without school ties. So, I'm scared to leave school. I'm diagnosed with depression and GAD. I'd be anxiety ridden and depressed knowing that I'll be holding my grad year back and I wont be able to conjure up funds. 
I wanted to love school. I know I can love learning but I cant seem to love that or anything else right now. I was supposed to be graduating this year but I souldnt be anyway due to needing more classes to complete. I had planned on passing this semester and taking up extra summer classes go shorten time but ...that's all gone. 
I dont know what to do. Should I schedule this meeting in hope of finding options where I dont withdraw and end up pissing away at the possible opportunities? Or just withdrawal, be possibly homeless and come back to school when I'm better? Its hard making a living without a college degree and im worried. I want to stop the self sabotage of depression  but it's as if I can't.",moderate
dev_pid_1396,Depression : I am depressed and wanna die my own family pits me down! I am trying to grow my youtube channel and nothing works! What to do? I am losing interest in all my favourite things I just wanna die!,moderate
dev_pid_1397,"Is this depression or something else? Really struggling. : Hello everyone, just to preface my doctor has diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, and ocd.  Recently I have been filled with self hatred. I am 5’7” and weigh 140 pounds. I am convinced I am fat even though this is a very average body weight. When I look in the mirror I think how ugly I am. People tell me I am attractive but I do not believe them. I feel like my life is a failure. I graduate college with a degree in fine arts and history with honors...this is not good enough. I feel as if I am very ignorant and perceived as such. I’m have traveled abroad three different times...yet when others tell me about their travels I feel inadequate. My dreams and goals feel absolutely impossible. When ever I go out into public I think everyone hates me and is talking about me. I also constantly google mental illness and symptoms because I am convinced something is majorly wrong with me...even though three doctors have told me I am “normal”. I take multiple mental health quizzes everyday to see if I have lost my mind. I am constantly asking my coworkers at work what they think about me. I am an artist and believe every work I produce is garbage. Even with people validating me I usually don’t believe them. Any advice?",moderate
dev_pid_1398,"I really get it now : Currently sitting in a ball of dread and anxiety as I wait for my college's provost to decide my fate over being caught plagiarizing. Ever since I got the email of accusation, I don't have the spirit to fight anymore. This feels like it's it. I fucked up, I sabotaged myself and now I've pretty much ruined any chance of getting into medical school. I don't want to move, I don't want to look at people, and I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I don't know if I have enough to keep going on. Everything looks hopeless. I thought I understood depression before, but this is a whole new level. When you're the one who put the gun to your head and ruined your own dreams it really hits differently. 4 years of money and school wasted. Hello rock bottom, mind if I stay awhile?",moderate
dev_pid_1399,"counselor at school calling my parents : so i’ve had a few run ins with counselors in the past having to call my parents because i’m depressed and every time my parents have yelled at me saying i’m just looking for attention and i’ve told them myself before that i have a few things wrong with me but they never believe me or tell me to get over it. my grades are basically all Fs and i’ve been doing horribly lately so i talked to one of my teacher but he had to email my counselor and now she has to call them. i’ve given them a fake email before (my moms old one that she lost the password to) so i was thinking of telling them she got a new phone and giving them my friends phone number instead. if i do, will i get in trouble or will my parents find out? i really want to avoid them knowing anything.",moderate
dev_pid_1400,"Complete dissatisfied human being. : So I‘m a bit excited about doing a post about it. I‘m struggling from severe depression since I‘m 11. I‘m also not the one who‘s crying over things happened in the past. It’s about my condition I‘ve been living with the last years and want some advices about how to finally be able to handle it.
Everyday I wake up with great dissatisfaction. Always in a bad mood. No motivation at all. Always tired and sleepy and feeling totally lost. I‘ve lost interest in nearly everything - drawing, music, singing... Not knowing what to do, I fear the future ahead of me. I was once totally into Design... thought this is what I‘m going to do. However, I‘ve also lost the interest in it. It was a gradual change and I can’t even explain why it happened since I was always passionate about it. 
Now I‘m sitting there - day by day - everything is annoying, not interesting anymore, not worth it and stressful to me. I feel like I fell into an Abyss with my head full of negative thoughts. I don’t know who I am neither am I satisfied with how the situation isn’t changing. I tried meditation once. It was a good experience. But I‘m not even in the mood to continue what might help me out of this situation.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m really grateful for what I have. Being able to sleep on a bed, having enough food and embracing the small things in live. I don’t like it fancy. I just want to find happiness and being able to laugh again. 
Does someone experienced the same? What did you do to get out of it?",moderate
dev_pid_1401,"I’m really not okay. *Trigger warning* *verbal diarrhoea too* : It’s a very long story but to shorten it a bit. I’m getting kicked out of crisis housing for having my dog which they knew about, on the property. Just gonna state here that she was apart of my agreement because she’s going to be a service dog for me. 
They’ve now changed there minds 4 months later & saying that I can stay but she can’t. I’m basically being forced to be homeless & no one really seems to care. I’ve been reaching out to those I love... but nothing. All too busy or something better. 
I know they say don’t give up, it’ll get there but when? For the past 2 years I had cancer, after I found out I was in remission & this program a youth organisation had accepted me, the Australian bush fires started which effected my family home. I lost my granddad as well now they’re doing this. Just when is it gonna end",moderate
dev_pid_1402,"Suicidal thoughts - multiple times a day : It's not a competition, I'm not promoting it, but I've had one of the worst 24 hours where I've been knocked down, felt suicidial, picked myself back up, got knocked down again, felt suicidal again, picked myself back up again, and then it's happened all again. I've actively thought about killing myself because of three different bad things that's happened in the last 24 hours and right now it would be helpful to hear that others are also doing the same exhausting routine too.",moderate
dev_pid_1403,"Nearly a year into my gender transition: What I've learned. MtF : I thought I escaped the depression. From the first dose of my Spiro and Estrogen I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders. It was time to be myself and thrive. I enjoyed it. I no longer needed to hide. After a couple of months I thought I'd try dating. Of course, I expected the hate messages. I expected the slurs. What I never expected was the amount of men that maintained interest after I disclosed that I'm transgender. What I soon found was a pattern. A pattern I could not escape. It was in this moment I realized what being a living fetish is like. 
For the past nine months I've been nothing more to men than a source for pictures and a discreet fun time. I still fall for the player saying he wants something more than hooking up just to be used, ghosted, and hit up when he is drunk and horny. The first few times hurt my ego but I recovered. Having the same story for nine months straight makes me question if this is all that life has for me. 
I want nothing more than to just connect with someone. Talk with a guy about life and get to know each other. But. The only attention I ever get are if I post naughty pics or nudes. Once I show and indication that I'm human they ghost. I've made a few trans friends and the story is the same. Doesn't matter how pretty. How much they pass. We're just a fetish and nothing more. It makes sense why they're all either depressed or escorts. 
I've fought the desire to end it completely so I no longer have to deal with the loneliness. It's a crippling loneliness. I'll never find love.",moderate
dev_pid_1404,"Every once in a while I remember I'm useless : I feel like there are only three things that you absolutely cannot be, dumb, ugly, and useless. I've gotten through life fairly well being able to somewhat accept the dumb and ugly part, I tried to blame it on other factors for a while but they're just an integral part of who I am. What I can't get passed is being useless and having no skill whatsoever. I fall into all three categories and wish that I had just given up on life sooner.",moderate
dev_pid_1405,"Passively suicidal : So I think about death all the time and regularly think about situations where I get hit by like a bus or have terminal cancer it's so bizarre. Because I'm not actually a risk to myself,  I'm in way planning any attempt but as I fall asleep it seems like I'm always thinking about how an exit wound would look at the back of my head.  
I call passive suicidality 'living in the Grey'. It's an inbetween state,  smack bang in the middle of loving life and hating it.  It's so strange because health professionals are always asking if I'm having 'dark thoughts' and it's like,  well,  what really *is* a dark thought? When it comes down to it,  it's the behaviour, the intention, not the thoughts,  that are the true issue.  
Death is always on my mind.  Not just my own,  but anyone and everyone.  I think constantly about different situations where people in my life die tragically,  and how I would grieve.  Would I crumple into a depressed mess of rise to the occasion and be strong for the rest of my family?  Who would care if I died?  So many questions all the time.  
Anyone else constantly have death on the brain?",moderate
dev_pid_1406,"forcing myself to appreciate my progress : Hi! I've been battling depression for the past two years, officially diagnosed in summer 2019, currently on medication & therapy. Beating myself up every. single. day. for just being ""lazy"", and ""not being able to get it together"", as well as struggling with the thought that i somehow just tricked everybody (including the doctors) into thinking that i have depression when really i dont. 🥴  
Anyways, after another horrifying therapy session of me complaining that i am really just a piece of shit that only wants to sleep 24/7, wasting her life away not accomplishing anything, my therapist urged me to list all the things which i do DO and sort of look at them from afar and try to practice gratitude and appreciation. Here it is:
1) most days, I am able to make myself brush my teeth and on the good days even take a shower  
2) i could have given up on all work  to kind of ""sleep through"" my depression (my partner can support me financially with no trouble) however as tempting as it is I still do the work (working remotely from home) and recently took on a big project, which I was debating declining but still didn't (no idea how and if  im going to handle it but ill update you on here)  
3) roughly once a week I may feel like putting on makeup and doing my nails  
4) i am able to socialize with my best friend and truly enjoy our evenings together, which is a huge one  
5) i am now able to recognise that the meds do really help and I stopped having hysterical breakdowns and intrusive, disturbing thoughts  
6) i have never missed a day of therapy  
7) even though my sleep schedule is non-existence (sleeping every 4 hours during the course of a day) I still pull myself out of bed, have breakfast, maybe out on some clothes and go out to work in a cafe, even if for just an hour
I think that's about it. I do feel better. Will update on my progress.",moderate
dev_pid_1407,"Seems like nothing that I try to do lasts or helps : I've been going through a rough patch. I was recently diagnosed with mild depression and GAD and have worry reduction group therapy in a few weeks. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk or turn to without feeling guilty or like I am making a meal out of how i'm feeling. I try and help people who have more stressful things going on as a distraction technique but I am now feeling like I should just stop messaging or contacting people because at least then, I wont feel guilty about bothering someone. I have tried monitoring sleep but that has stopped and I am sleeping less. I tried a mood diary app on my phone but that last about a month. I also tried coming off facebook for a few weeks, but didn't notice much difference. I'm at a bit of a stand still with regards of what to do. I'm not too sure what to expect from writing this or if i'll get anything out of it. But i think the anonymity of it helps a little.",moderate
dev_pid_1408,"I tried to offer my help, it was restricted....So i realised it is time to end my life... : As always, humanity controls whet is does and doesn't want to see, my only purpose was to help people who was as broken as me....better people decided against that so now all i can do is kill myself.
I really just want the best way to kill myself, either quickly or the least amount of pain.
There is no cure, no remedy, no amazing beach scene to help me....I just need to end this.....please...
Thankyou......",moderate
dev_pid_1409,"I think this is my final straw and I am scared : Warning: this is VERY long. I'm not sure what the purpose of it really is but just wanting to put this out there in the world. Maybe I'll get some advice, maybe someone will read it and realize they are not alone.
I’ve started writing this so many times and lost motivation half way through. This is yet another attempt, let’s see what happens.
I’m a 30 year old woman, I work as a photographer for a fashion company with a degree in Graphic Design, volunteer at a cat rescue 2 days a week, and suffer from depression and social/general anxiety disorder.
I first realized my teen angst wasn’t just a “phase” sometime in my early 20’s. As a teenager I would do the normal things: drink, do drugs, smoke weed. I would also write a lot but this writing, in hindsight, was some of the deepest cries for help. I’ve since lost that precious notebook, but I did come upon snippets of that “poetry” in my other sketchbooks. The stuff wasn’t anything out of the ordinary - I grew up listening to emo and other such heart wrenching music - and the style was really just lyrics trying to artistically describe the dark cloud that was inside of me every minute of every day. I lost interest in that activity around the age of 20.
I was always a shy person. I played with friends during school, but I was never allowed to have anyone over or go to anyone’s house. As a result, I was always found by myself in the yard skipping rope alone. My parents brought me to Canada when I was 9 years old in order to expand my options for education. I was born in Russia where there wasn’t much choice at the time to do anything with your life other than engineering, medicine or teaching. In that aspect, I thank them. I was able to attend an art school in Toronto and attain my Graphic Design degree which my anxious artistic brain appreciates.
When I arrived in Canada I didn’t speak much English and was in an ESL program. In that first year, 4th grade, I was bullied for not speaking the language. Some girls quickly realized that it would be fun to put rocks (the little pebbles from the playground) down my pants while we had “carpet time” (when all the kids gather around crossed legged on the floor in front of the teacher during a lesson.) They knew I wouldn’t say anything, partly because I couldn’t physically, partly because I couldn’t mentally. Kids would kick my chair constantly as they walked by, someone even throw things at me from the back. I brushed it off, went on with it. I did have two great friends (one of which is still in my life albeit we aren’t close.)
This childish bullying subsided after the first year. I went off to another school in grade 5 after moving buildings with my parents. 6th grade was split. It was yet another school (moving from elementary to middle school) and then half way through 6th grade, after establishing quite a solid group of new friends, I was transferred to a new school after yet another move by my parents. I had to start over with the friend thing and luckily I befriended a girl right away. She was also an outcast, being extremely tiny and skinny for her age and also didn’t fit in with the “cool popular kids.” Here I was laughed and looked down upon for being new, having 1 friend, and being so extremely shy. After a while I became close with another girl, let’s call her Jessica. 7th grade went by bearably with her around, outside minor incidents like having the basketball thrown at my head during recess. I was also developing extremely bad acne, so I was doomed to be the ugly shy girl for the next few years.
Ending of 8th grade is where the real trouble started with Jessica. She had an “in” with the cooler kids in the grade and being so attached to her, I got to hang out with the group occasionally. This is where we started “relationships” with two boys. She was with lets call him Andrew and I was with let’s call him Mike. We would hang out after school a lot and one day I brought them all over to my house. Mike took me down to my parent’s cellar at one point and where I thought I would have my first kiss, my hands were forced down onto his penis. I didn’t know how to retaliate so I went with it. Instead of a first kiss, I gave my first hand job. The next time we hung out was at the movies. I was brought to the bathroom for what I thought was a make out session but turned out to be an attempt at a blow job. I can’t remember whether I went through with it, I just remember crying that evening. I soon found out that Andrew and Mike had a bet going of who would get their dick sucked first and Jessica agreed to bring me into the group so they could use me for that bet. These things bled into high school. The rumours started that I was a slut and were reinforced with photos being distributed throughout the school. The photos were of me wearing see through mesh pants in provocative poses that Jessica took of me in her room one night when we were having a fun “fashion” night. She wore them too, although somehow the photos of her never got distributed. 
Finally a new girl came to the school lets call her Beth and finally things seemed to calm down. We had a great friendship going and were inseparable during high school (to the point where people were calling us lesbians.) I even attended her wedding two years ago, she’s a beautiful human being. I tried my best to have a normal life. I threw myself into art. I would come to school at 7 in the morning so spend time in the photography dark room lab. I got great marks in my classes and my teachers loved me. Of course throughout this time I did the regular teenage girl stuff. I liked boys, I would make out with them. I was already well trained in the hand job department so guys learned to hand me over to their friends once they were done with me. I just did it. It made them happy. And in my mind, that made me good at it. Why not do the thing that I felt I excelled at? Of course none of that behaviour helped the growing rumours. 
I first tried drugs in 10th grade. Beth and I would skip school, pop ecstasy, spend the day together. This went on for about a year in the 11th grade where my marks drastically plummeted. I’m not sure what the triggering factor for me to stop was, but I managed to graduate high school on the honour roll. At the end of 12th grade I met lets call him Sam. We dated for 2 years, I lost my virginity to him, but I will always remember doubting his intentions. Did he stay with me for the sex? Did he only want me around because I would smoke weed with him? It didn’t matter. I lost romantic interest in him after a year but stayed together despite us fighting because it was comfortable and a habit I just didn’t want to, or couldn’t break.
I got into my top school of choice and spent the first year working hard. After my break up with Sam, I met lets call him Dale. It was interesting at first. He would show up at my work almost daily and chat and finally we started going on real dates. He brought me gifts and showered with me with attention. I now realize that it was borderline stalker behaviour. He wouldn’t take no for an answer even if I didn’t really feel like doing anything. The thing with Dale is kind of an on and off ordeal. We were never fully together but would hang out often usually drinking or going on drives. I was starting to get really put off by him, but one night he insisted on hanging out. As you well know by now, I have trouble saying no. So we went to the bar, got a buzz going and then went driving. (I know how shameful it is to drink and I drive. I know first hand because I almost killed my friend during a drunk driving episode. I haven’t done it since and will never do it again.) We were in the car and I was completely insistent that this was a non sexual meet up. But he wouldn’t stop trying to kiss me, to push my hands on to his crotch, then pushing my head down, asking me to just suck it a little. I did it just to make him shut up so I could go home. I haven’t seem him since them. I refused to talk to him and eventually had to block him. To this day he tries to make attempts at communication but nothing dangerous. 
The truly destructive behaviour started around 22 when I began to frequent parties. At first it was drinking, and a lot of it. Then I met a 28 year old man lets call him Izack. He was a DJ and very much into the rave party scene. It was with him when I tried coke for the first time at the age of 23 or 24. Lets just call the rest a blur. I would party twice a week, heavily on drugs, go to school completely hung over. Long story short, I just managed to graduate, scraping by with a warning letter and passing marks given to me probably only out of the kindness of my professor’s heart. I loved Izack. He was older, had more experience, best sex I’ve ever had and he made me forget everything and everyone. He lived downtown in an apartment with two other roommates who also loved to party and we all got along quite well. The sanctuary of that apartment was heavenly. I would be able to spend all my time there away from my strict Russian parents. Then Izack started going on the road a lot more due to his DJ career flourishing. When he was away, I would come to his place and clean everything. I bought him a huge new TV for his room. I wanted him to come home to a beautiful place. In my mind that was me saying thank you for letting me stay with him rent free for so many days of the week. 
About a year into our relationship, I went for a gynaecologist check up which was followed by a phone call saying that I have an STD. They told me to get myself and my partner into the office so we could be given medication. It was nothing overly serious, cleared up with a few pills but I had to have a serious conversation with Izack. He swore on his life that he never cheated on me. He begged me to believe him which after hours upon hours of me crying and pleading, I finally did. But I never got over the nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. So after a month of uncertainty, over the phone on my birthday (I remember that day so clearly), I asked him one more time. I’m not sure what made him tell me truth this time around, but yes, of course he slept with someone on tour and yes that is how I contracted the STD.
I was a complete and utter wreck for the next few months. The drugs and alcohol increased. I went on Tinder and began my first sex binge. At one point I managed to sleep with 6 different men in one week. All I wanted to do was to forget the hurt and I didn’t know how. Again, all of this is very blurry so I can’t say the exact moment that Izack came back into my life but he did. I remember going to a bar to meet him to get closure, to finally say I forgive him and that I’m moving on. That meeting ended up with me in his apartment and sex. We then got “back together”, continued the destructive behaviour until his next tour where he slept with someone again. I let that one go easily since we never stated that we were officially a couple again. I think this is where I learned how to numb my brain from hurt. I wasn’t mad at him anymore, I just quietly walked away and threw myself into my second huge sex binge on Tinder. After a few months of this, I met a guy lets call him Jon. 
We dated for something close to a year. This relationship was also fuelled by alcohol, drugs and parties. But at this point I didn’t want another life. The relationship involved me crying almost every day at work with something abusive he may have said to me that day. For example, he loved to make me feel like an idiot for asking him why it took him hours to answer a text massage. I was told I was crazy on an almost daily basis. I will fast forward to the end, where a girl (who is now a friend) reached out to me saying that she was also dating Jon, for 6 months now. She spotted us at a party kissing, and lost her mind. Apparently she had no knowledge of me for the long while they were together. It turns out, that we weren’t the only ones. I came to the knowledge that he had slept with 8 different people during the span of being with me. This included his upstairs neighbour who I was constantly told not to worry about. 
I laughed at this. I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel angry, I laughed, pulled out my phone and on to the next Tinder binge I went.
It took me about 6 months to get into my next relationship. This one was with a kind man who would never do a thing to hurt me. It lasted for about 2 years. I met his parents and he met mine. We were talking about marriage and moving in together but it ended up falling apart during our search for an apartment. We just weren’t right for each other.
So this is where I am now. 30 years old, living back with my parents. I have since stopped the partying because that life doesn’t satisfy me anymore and my body can’t handle it. I have been coke free for about a year now mainly because I can’t afford it. But I drink. I drink several times a week because I can’t stand my job. I drink because I feel trapped in my own mind. I drink because of my living situation. I drink because nothing I do excites me. I drink about 3 times a week and once I crack a bottle of wine, there is no way I can stop. That bottle is getting drunk to the last drop and more often than not, a second one gets opened and lasts about half way until I pass out. 
The job thing - realized I’m the only one who can help myself there so I have been taking lots of photos and editing them in an effort to update my portfolio but sitting down and editing those photos sober just isn’t an option. I go to work, I laugh with my coworkers, but at the end of the day, the only thing that makes me happy and that I took forward to is that next drink. I started exercising and have been continuing to do so pretty consistently but I always fall off the boat because I can’t stay excited and motivated. 
Last night I came home to my collection of wine bottles all out and displayed in front of me by my dad. My mom discovered the first bottle in my closet when she couldn’t find my cat, or so she says. She then proceeded to go through every crevice of my room and pulled out the 20 or so I had hidden. Long story short, my life of drinking after work and during my own photo editing hours is over and I am terrified. I feel like I have nothing happy to come home to. I spent all last night crying and today is the first day I didn’t show up to work because of this. The thing is - I don’t know if I want to stop. I’ve had thoughts of suicide since my early teenage years and they have never gone away. I’ve cut myself on numerous occasions. I have dabbled with the idea of overdosing on my anxiety and depression medication. I did go into therapy for a few months but that turned out way too pricey for my minimal salary. My dad has offered to pay for my therapy last night, but this is an offer I’m not sure I want to take. I just want it to be over. The only times things are okay in my brain is when I am sleeping, or when I am heavily buzzed. I don’t have children, nor a boyfriend and I have maybe 2 friends, so I’m finding it difficult to see a purpose to go on. 
I would like to finish by saying how awful I feel about putting this out there. The amount of times the word “I” is used is upsetting and selfish since I know there are people out there who have it way worse than me. Like my parents have pointed out numerous times, I have nothing to be sad about. I have a good job, a warm house, food and water. I have a car that my dad so kindly gave to me when he bought himself a new one. And they are right. I have it so good. But inside, that dark cloud just won’t lift and there is no way I can describe it in words to someone who hasn’t felt the pull of it.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart to anyone who read this fully, attempted to read it, or even glanced at it. I am very scared and for some reason the only thing I thought of this morning was writing this.",moderate
dev_pid_1410,"told my mom i wanted to die, now she’s sending my to live with my grandparents : she told me she doesn’t have the energy to deal with me anymore. i’m such a shitty daughter and if she’s had enough. idek what else to say, i just really don’t see a point anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_1411,"Im tired of people thinking depression is just something you can get over within a short period of time. : Talked to my mom today about a test I have today that I was stressing over. And the conversation turned into me wasting my potential (all in love). But what pisses me off is this just ""get over it"" mentality like what's taking me so long. And her and I both know I have to get on top of things but when you had depression for 8 years and counting this is not something you just overcome in a short period of time.
And probably what pisses me off the most is the fact she's right bc her and I both now time doesn't wait for anyone. I don't have the luxury to keep performing at the level I'm currently am.
All of this is just frustrating, ik the answer it's just a matter of applying myself.",moderate
dev_pid_1412,"This world has no place for people like me. : A bit of context. I'm an American. I'm black. I'm big. I'm ugly. And I'm autistic. I work as an aircraft mechanic.
The more I go through every day, the less I see the point of continuing with this life. No one who's gotten to know me as a person wants anything to do with me. People make fun of my quirks all the time - they think they're being funny, but they're being obnoxious. Besides that, the only friends I still have are the ones in high school, who are now so far away. My father, the man who cared about me more than anyone else did, passed away a few years ago from sudden heart and kidney failure, while I was waiting on a connecting flight to visit him.
Besides that, people will only connect with me as much as they need to. I clearly have problems that I do not know how to address. No amount of therapy has fixed those issues.
People cross the street when they see me on the sidewalk. Society here in general doesn't like people like me, with so many people supporting an openly racist president as we regress. I know that I won't ever be able to rely on the cops for anything, because I'm likely to get shot before they figure out what the issue is. I've been racially profiled many times when I lived in New York City. I happened to be stopped for every ""random"" drug search whenever I took the Staten Island ferry while carrying a backpack.
That being the case, the only value of any sort I can provide to society is in the job I do. I'm also doing vocational training for a higher qualification, but every day I'm questioning more and more why I care. More money isn't going to fix me as a person.
The truth is, I'm a mistake. I learned a few years ago that I was adopted at birth. Probably before my new parents knew I would be as difficult as I was. I should've been aborted or left to die.
The prognosis for our world grows more dire every day due to global warming facilitated by old people who don't give a shit about us. There is no reason to believe things will get better - people reject science more and more, and we are going backwards.
Before long, I will have a gun. It will allow me to protect myself where I know law enforcement won't. But it'll also give me the power to choose when I want to die. That, at the very least, will give me peace of mind - knowing I have a way out whenever I need it.
I'm not some ""starving kid in Africa"" or whatever other bullshit people push to those who are discontented, but I have still been dealt a pretty shitty hand in life. I see no reason to keep bothering with it when so many things are wrong with me, and our future will only get worse.",moderate
dev_pid_1413,"Do you have stressful days with lots of emotions too? : I sometimes overflood with emotions, i feel more anxious around this time.. its a warning sign to make me aware again of social situations i think. Its just part of who i am. I want to think less negative, and keep structure in my days",moderate
dev_pid_1414,"Loneliness and everything failing : I just need to vent out. I have no friends to talk with, my family doesn’t care or are too busy to care, and those people I message are too centered in themselves to notice.
I’ve been feeling down, really down and sad. No matter what I do nor how many funny memes I see I cannot bring myself to be cheered up.",moderate
dev_pid_1415,The only reason I’m alive. : The only reason I’m alive is for the fact I don’t want the people who care for me to feel the pain and suffering that I go through everyday if I was to commit suicide 😭 I don’t want to live anymore...,moderate
dev_pid_1416,Pretty sure my life is falling apart. : I'm a fucking burden on everyone. Idk why there's still like 5 people that care. I wish they didn't so I could just fucking die already,moderate
dev_pid_1417,"What is something that others can do to help a victim of depression? : As an individual who is friends with or have family members that suffer from depression, Ive always wondered, what is something that can help depression that a therapist is lacking? From my personal experience, Ive always heard that having a therapist to treat your depression can be helpful sometimes but many times, from what I hear, the patient continues to suffer from depression. What is something that others can do to help a victim of depression? From your personal experience, what do you believe could be extremely helpful when treating or helping those with depression? I am genuinely curious and eager for ANY feedback due to my desire of assisting others.",moderate
dev_pid_1418,"Is mixing pills with alcohol actually an effective method for suicide? : I've always seen pills as the ""cry for help"" suicide method, but at the same time, I've also heard about people who take some pills, drink some Jack Daniels and peacefully die in their sleep.
How deadly is this suicide method really? What are the chances that someone who tries this method ends up waking up feeling sick rather than dying without realizing it?",moderate
dev_pid_1419,"People are starting to ignore me and I feel isolated or like an outcast : I feel as if people are ignoring me and what I say now. Some of my friends have become really popular and whenever I say hi or call their name they either look at me like they don't know me or just flat out disregard that I'm even talking to them. Barely a few friends have stuck with me at this point. My crush has seen me at my desk when I'm going through a rough time but she just ignores me.  She has talked to me frequently but it just seems that she doesn't care. One of my friends who I thought was my friend leaked out that I'm autistic and have ADHD as well as I take medications for that every day. Now, whenever I walk around school people look at me and laugh while talking shit about me. Some have called me a freak and leave the school and go to a mental asylum. I've been called a mistake so many times. All this has been affecting me emotionally and physically. This has been making my depression worse and has increased my levels of anxiety. I've been having more anxiety attacks since this all started. Everything around me is starting to become meaningless to me. Nothing other than my mom, my dog, and my little brother give me a genuine source of happiness. The people at my school have made me feel even more worthless than I was before this. I want to feel accepted by someone other than my family. (I consider my friends family as well) Maybe their all right, maybe I really am just a mistake.",moderate
dev_pid_1420,"goodnight : I want to live. I'm a little, cheerful girl. I love music. Whenever I'm about to go to sleep, I take my pink mp3 player to my bed and listen to my favorite songs for hours while imagining myself as a skydiver, princess or a superhero! As I dive into the blue sky I scream so loud that my throat hurts. Maybe if I'm loud enough I won't be able to hear my mother's epileptic seizure as the nice paramedic asks me what I've been reading and if school is going good. I try to ignore my grandma crying while my grandfather just looks away from what is happening. School is going good, I'm really enjoying my art classes. The teacher says that I have some potential and that I'm a pleasure to have in class. Maybe because I rarely talk. I like when my teacher praises me, it makes me feel like I'm special - I think as I sit on my bed, with one of my CDs playing in the background.
I'm in middle school. I live in the city now. My school is bigger, more modern and it even has a cafeteria. It's always crowded yet somehow empty at the same time. I no longer have art classes. My teachers say that I'm smart but kind of lazy. All of the girls are so pretty. My cheeks are chubbier than theirs, my legs are thicker and my belly is sticking out. I skip my lunch. Looking at pictures of gorgeous and thin girls on the internet makes me feel full. I hate PE classes. I'm the only girl that can't play volleyball. I hit the ball really hard and now my hoodie is stained red. It hurts but I pretend nothing has happened. Nobody notices. 
High school is scary. Boys don't really like me. Maybe because of the way I dress or because I cut my hair very short. Starving becomes binging. I really hate my thighs. I'm the class clown. I skip school every day for a week. I overdose on medication several times. One time I almost fall down the stairs and pass out in my bathtub after overdosing on some pills. I try to kill myself. When in the ER one of my teachers is there. She looks at me. I can barely stay awake. One of the nurses tells me that I'm selfish. After coming back from hospital my teachers say that I'm the laziest student they've ever had. My mother forces me to lie so they won't put me in a psychiatric facility. I go to the psychiatrist once and never go back. Now my grandma sleeps in my room and they look through my stuff every day. I have to ask to go to the bathroom. My mom makes me stay in the guest room with only a bed, a desk and my textbooks. Dinner tastes awful. I want to die. 
College starts. My major is not that great. I have literature classes. I'm a very average student. Sometimes I remember my elementary school art teacher. I feel like I failed her. Boys still don't like me. My cheeks are still way too chubby. My body is covered in white thick lines. People stare a lot. Some ask questions some just avoid me. I still imagine and fantasize before going to sleep a lot. Skydiving turned into jumping off a bridge into a river, grand parties and colorful dresses turned into lonely college dorms, oversized t-shirts, and old sweaters, I no longer am a superhero, now I'm the one waiting for someone or something to save me. I no longer scream, I no longer put up a fight. I remember loving music but now it just gives me a headache. I'm an almost 21-year-old, tired woman. I no longer want to live. 
Goodnight.",moderate
dev_pid_1421,"How does depression work for you? : For me, I feel numb. My brain stops working. I don't feel sadness. I feel just empty. I can't even function very simple jobs. At worst times, I can't even interpret what other people talk in my head. I just hear, but I don't comprehend, just detect noise. I can't talk well.",moderate
dev_pid_1422,"Should I pull the trigger? : Was freaking out yesterday, broke crap and screamed and cussed about his money problems and stuff, then calmed down. Well he’s back at it again today. Saying I don’t do anything around the house, and admitted that my brother has apparently been texting him and talk crap about me behind my back as well. Saying that I should do more to help out cause he apparently thinks I can keep up by myself with our two story house and doesn’t realize I’m depressed cause he’s an idiot. Then my dad start screaming about how I’m making his life hard and how I should just leave. And that he’s gonna start charging me rent and if I can’t afford I can get out of his house. I have work in a few hours and I don’t think I can go. Not only cause I need him for a ride but how am I supposed to function at work after this. I’m literally holding one of my dads handguns in my lap that he gave me for self defense if ever needed. I’ve never thought so hard or wanted so bad to just quit being a wimp and pull the trigger? Should I? I don’t see a point in going on. If I do, I’ll just have to go through this all over again. I want it over. I’m also thinking of sending a photo to my brother, at least to scare the crap out of him. Maybe then he’ll think twice before talking behind my back to a man who’s mentally unstable again.",moderate
dev_pid_1423,"Getting pummeled from all sides : I'm drowning over here. I'm failing every single person in my life, being criticized by every single person in my life, being controlled by every single person in my life, and I don't know how to deal.
My abusive ex is fighting for custody of our daughter. He'll be granted overnights in a few weeks, when he's never spent more than six hours with her. She's going to be so scared. She's too young to understand why her mom isn't there. I've tried suggesting we transition slowly but he's refusing to do so unless I give him six more hours a week, ""in good faith.""
I have two weeks to pay $2k to a court appointed person, that I didn't ask for and can't get rid of, or I'll be held in contempt of court, resulting in a fine or jail time, even though I'm unemployed for another couple months. My dad is well able to help, but won't, because he ""doesn't want to get involved,"" but not because he isn't financially able.
My boyfriend is completely minimizing AND demonizing my feelings. Every single time I point out a problem, he plays victim and turns it around on me. When he picks on me and it hurts my feelings, I just need to toughen up and trust that he doesn't mean it. When I get upset that he tells me what to do, I just need to let go of this hatred for imagined authority. When he's super stressed to the point of being 85% negative all the time and I'm feeling neglected and unloved because of it, I just need to keep my feelings to myself because he doesn't need guilt on top of his stress.
My baby has been sick so she hasn't been sleeping well. She woke up at 4:30 this morning, when she normally gets up at 6:30, and I was trying to get her back down. Well I also live with my parents. And my stepdad told my mom that I was yelling at my daughter and stomping around the room to intimidate her, which isn't at all true. When I told my boyfriend that I was being stern with her, not yelling, he said that maybe I should change my stern voice because apparently it scares people. 
So yes, let me just do whatever the fuck everyone wants me to do and be who they want me to be because I have no autonomy or authority over my over damn life. Let me stop expressing my emotions, which means stop having emotions all together, to please all these fuckers in my life. Let me change something I don't even feel I'm doing *wrong* just to make someone else fucking happy.
And if I'm not happy?
Well, that's just too bad! Because apparently everyone else's feelings matter but mine.
I don't want to die, but I can't fucking live like this. Every waking moment of my life is just trying to please someone else. It's putting everyone else above me because if I don't, I'll be chastised or belittled or berated. No one can just let me be me and do what I do because they think they have some fucking hold on me and should be able to control what I do and say and think and feel.
I can't fucking LIVE like this. Who fucking can? But there's no way out. I'm unemployed until the summer. So I have to live with my parents. I have to listen to their bullshit. I can't get my ex to stop stalking me and harassing me and insulting me. The court is refusing to hold him accountable. I can't force my dad to keep me out of jail for something I have zero control over. I can't get my boyfriend to be more considerate of my feelings, but I can't break up with him either because then I'll *completely* fall apart. Those good moments with him are literally the only things keeping me functioning.
I honestly feel like if I didn't have skin, I'd be shattered. Not even just shattered, in pieces. Like a broken piece of tempered glass, split into so many pieces that they're impossible to count, and I get cut by them every single time I move. Just a walking, breathing flesh bag of blood and fragments.
And there's zero way out. I've never felt so hopeless in my life.",moderate
dev_pid_1424,"I think i have depression, Not sure but i tryna hang myself once : 
Year ago i’ve survived from a suicide attempts and then i watching the movie Fight Club It’s motivate me, Hell its even give me a boost of confidence, Huge Confidence, But its never fix my problem which is 
im too fckin lazy to live in this world.
This movie its just like a Temporary Medical.
Right now, Its all coming back.
Happiest moment of my daily life is my bedtime
Really wish one fckin day i’ll never wake up again.
Just fall asleep and not knowledge any goddamn thing anymore.
I’m like i’m not into anything at ALL
I come from a great family btw, my mom and dad love
me even spoiled a little, they are a good person.
Still i blame them for this shit feelin everyday.
Srlys im lookin for a way to die like a sickness.
Cause i dont want my stupid parent to do the
“what did we do wrong ? why our son kill himself yada yada yada blah blah blah”
Maybe ricin? I really don’t know how to prepare though.
Any idea ?",moderate
dev_pid_1425,"I did something I wish I didn’t [Trigger Warning] [self harm] : I bought a bottle of wine on my way home from work lastnight. Drinking alone is never good for me but I felt like I really needed to drink. Anyway 2 glasses in I’m trying to find somebody to hang out with, texting all my friends that are nearby and everyone was busy. I felt so lonely, painfully lonely, and I started hating on myself. I’ve learned to really love myself the past few years but lastnight my dark side emerged and I wanted to hurt myself. I took a knife to my leg and just started cutting, something I haven’t done since high school. When I was finished I just looked at it and knew it was a mistake, now I’m going to have to hide it till it heals. No sex, no beach/pool trips, no shorts (the weather is always warm where I live so even though it’s winter these things are still an option for me) ... I’ve limited myself by a few moments of weakness but I’m trying to forgive myself. I just had to get it off my chest. There was only one person I could talk to about it and while he did a lot for me I feel like I needed to say something about it here as well.",moderate
dev_pid_1426,"Are there photographers who specializes working with people with depression? : I suffer from extreme lonliness and endure depression from it.  
I once tried to get professional photos done and the photographer was very rude and not understanding why it was so hard to just smile or look more optimistic.  
Sounds weird but is there such a thing as photographers who understand those who are depressed and are willing to be more understanding and insightful for the depressed?",moderate
dev_pid_1427,"0 interest : These days I don't feel anything to do. I feel completely empty. I still remember I used to enjoy music, having a time in terrace, enjoying the wind and climate. I think I have depression.",moderate
dev_pid_1428,"Nothing seems to interest me any more. : I've been lying here for hours just doing nothing. I can't go out today because I'm having a chronic illness flare-up. But, I can't seem to find anything to interest me at home, either. All of my hobbies just seem dull. I don't know what to do any more.",moderate
dev_pid_1429,"I think my mental health is just killing me slowly : All the time I've lost to this disease, the contribution it's made to awful sleep, insomnia, and bad health in general. I wonder how many days, or how much time it's stolen and continuing to steal from my life?
Do I get to suffer for decades and then die early too, maybe when it's just starting to be light. I'm really not sure. It sucks having problems that damage your mind thrust into your life that are beyond your control. I was pretty normal, and I don't know I'll ever get close to it again. It's such a long and painful journey that no one sees, and no one understands.",moderate
dev_pid_1430,"I can't handle it : Had an extremely depressive episode when I was 15 it lasted for 3 years and it was allleviated after that but not I am not only having depression but just sessions of excitement followed by depression again. My brain is fucked I have no chance my family is fucked my life is fucked I have had poor health since childhood and still do. Sometimes I just feel I am losing my mind, too poor for medical help or anykind of help talking with others doesnt work. The threshold of my ambitions was just getting lower and lower through out the year first I wanted to be a doctor (no way) now I am even contemplating if I should go to college as opposed to just root and die. I really can't see any pro in this life I am tired of crying and wheeping and whining over and over i am tired of my family my health everything about me i wish i wasnt born. I dont want to talk i am tired and exhausted all the time again i wish  i died when i was a child my life is gone i spent my teenage years depression and was so close to do it multipile times and now i am now in my 20s what is left nothing absolutely nothing i want to sleep for ever",moderate
dev_pid_1431,"I am lonely no matter what : I hang out with my friends I still feel lonely I dont move from my bed I still feel lonely people talk to me I still feel lonely. Im physically getting ill from it i have had headaches, coughs, sore throats I believe its because i feel down and i hardly sleep because im up all night thinkin about how lonely i am even when im not lonely but on the inside i am lonely",moderate
dev_pid_1432,"Hey : I posted it here and people didn't believe me back then, I cared about it before but I don't care anymore.
I'm serving in the military and I feel shit about it.
I feel broken inside, I changed in a very bad way.
I started having brake-downs and even wetting the bed.
I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and the worse part is that I still have 2 years left (I served 1 year so far).
I haven't told anyone about wetting the bed as I'm not 4 years old. And frankly speaking I just don't want to think about it.
I'm thinking about just ending it sometimes... But I don't want to cause my family and friends any unnecessary sorrow.
I hate it. I hate myself. I hate my life.
If you read so far, thank you.",moderate
dev_pid_1433,"I'm Lost : I feel the only thing that makes me even remotely content these days is when I convince myself when and how I'm going to kill myself. Nothing else makes me feel at ease, I'm not sure how worried about myself I should be",moderate
dev_pid_1434,"I hate my life : I hate my life so much I would be better off dead I feel, everyday is the same and nothing in life gets better, and the few friends I have seen to not like me anymore, a lot of them don’t talk to me at all and my school friends seem like they don’t like me anymore and I found out a lot of them talking shit about me that I thought were my friends, and I already got bullied for half the year. 
I don’t wanna live anymore, and I can’t even see a doctor even though I have the legal right to one there is none available and walk in clinics are useless. Canada has shit healthcare 
My grades are so bad and I’m disappointment to my parents. At this point I wanna just drown my problems with drugs. 
Me and my gf keep fighting and having problems and she just moved to a new school and told me how “everyone’s been so nice especially the boys” and like that’s troubled me because I’m ugly and I have nothing to offer with my personality so I feel like any guy is better for her than I am but I need her.
I want help but there’s no one to help me I’m so done. 
None of that made sense I’m just rambling but I just want to die and I’m contemplating it.",moderate
dev_pid_1435,Almost done : I do not know how much more pain I can take. It hurts and I am tired of being ignored.,moderate
dev_pid_1436,"why is my life like this : Barely anything in my life is good. 
Brothers getting locked up, drug abuse, addictions, alcoholism, attempted suicide and self harm, and so much more things that affect me daily as much as I try and push it back
Then directly involving me, moving across the country all my life so I’ve never had friends, bullied, depression, suicidal thoughts and so many more things
I don’t wanna get into all my problems and shit but life has been so unfair and I know other people have problems, and I always think “well at least they aren’t dead” because some of my friends have lost parents and siblings but maybe what I have is worse because I still see them but I don’t see themselves anymore because they aren’t and never will be the same.",moderate
dev_pid_1437,"Pregnant and depressed. : My husband and I got into a fight today because we are $100 short for bills. I took a 2 week VTO because I could tell I was becoming depressed and it wasn’t going to let up anytime soon. I opened up to my husband and told him how sad I was, only for him to yell at me today and tell me that it’s basically my fault we aren’t able to pay the bills. He told me that sometimes in life you need to suck it up and deal with it, when a few days ago he seemed very supportive of me and wanted me to be happy, he even tried to motivate me to go back to work just in case it was about my job and not my feelings. I feel betrayed because I told him that the only thing that makes me feel better right now is being home with him because I love him and now I feel like he doesn’t care about how I feel. He called me a spoiled princess and told me that it’s my fault for being off work that we can’t pay our bills and that I’m neglecting a job that pays well and told me that I just don’t care, that I’m why he stresses out every month that we can’t pay bills, even though this is the first time in a long time that we’ve gotten to the point of this. He’s called out every Monday (1 out of the 3 days he works) to go to interviews for jobs he didn’t even take, which costed us more money in gas when he could have gone to his work across the street. I didn’t know that me being sad was going to lead to him treating me this way. Maybe I’m in the wrong, I don’t know. 
I tried talking to my mom and she said the same thing, that I haven’t been to work so my husband is not far off from the truth. I feel like shit, I wish people could understand what I’m feeling. I’ve never been successfully pregnant before, my last two ended in miscarriage at about 7 weeks. I’m now 10 weeks along with  the most healthy pregnancy I’ve ever had, I’ve never had to deal with the mental stress and depression that comes with it, even when it strikes for no reason. I feel like I fucked up by sharing my feelings, I definitely don’t want to share them again. Maybe he was right, I should have just sucked it up and gone to work. My job consists of dealing with pretty rude people on the phone who usually almost every day insult the shit out of me because they are upset with the company. It’s a lot to deal with mentally so I figured for the health of our child (since there are studies on how mothers emotions affect the fetus), that I would put myself in an emotionally stable spot where I wouldn’t be dealing with being insulted and told That I’m bad at my job by customers who are already irate. 
Maybe I deserve to feel this way.",moderate
dev_pid_1438,"Life is dead to me : I’m too anxious , depressed , and stupid to even post on here",moderate
dev_pid_1439,"I am killing myself in my imagination constantly. : Just like the title says I am brutally murdering constantly myself again and again in my fantasy it happens all the time when walking down the road or cooking food etc it just happens all the time. 
I have done self harming attempts 2 time last year but managed to get myself together at last time but those attempts have done some weeks of pain worth of damage and I didn't tried 3rd time.",moderate
dev_pid_1440,"Still unsure if it is depression already or I am just telling it to myself. : Yes, I do feel down and worthless. But not all the time. I have trouble concentrating and doing my job thoughtfully, but I manage somehow. I see other people too.
I do self-harm, but I don't cut myself.
Never been diagnosed, never even have been to a psychiatrist. Maybe it's out of fear, maybe because I wish to keep it secret from my partner. Which, after I read my own words, doesn't sound like one bit like a healthy attitude.",moderate
dev_pid_1441,"My brain is blocking out any sort of positive emotion : Does this happen to anyone else? You can't help but think you're supposed to feel like shit at all times, and any feeling other than that is foreign and unfamiliar and scary, so you try to avoid it. You don't feel worthy of them. You feel like you deserve to suffer. After all, that's what your failure of a life has amounted to.",moderate
dev_pid_1442,"What the hell is wrong with me / I need help... :  
I just moved into my first apartment ""of my own"" at 33 (almost 35 years old) - granted it's ""section-8"" housing paid for largely if not mostly by the state specifically for people w/ disabilities - but that's beside the point...) ***ANYWAY***, I've got a big problem and I don't know how to get over it.
I should point out that I've probably posted here before in preparation for this move (it took 5 months between signing the lease and actually moving in and starting to live here - so bear with me if any of this sounds familiar.....if that bothers you, just please ignore it and move on rather than bothering me with ""trolling"".
Sorry, I got a bit off topic there for a minute. My problem is that I basically just sit in my apartment all day watching T.V. or playing games. I've met a handful of people either in the halls, or knocking on doors when I first moved in (just to introduce myself and ""say hi"" - which took a LOT of courage for me as I've got social anxiety and fear the heck out of getting out of my comfort zone.
At any rate, so far I've met (or at least casually said ""hi"" and at times attempted to start a conversation with to a ""handful"" of people either in the dining hall they have set up for the lunch program I'm signed up for or in the hallways. But I frankly can't find pretty much anyone I want to or am capable of even really having a conversation with letting alone really getting to know them. There was one guy that I liked, but he was like in a bad mood that day or is just really introverted (and that's coming from an ""uber-introvert"" LOL) or something like that - he didn't even want to offer up his name.
Having said that, here's my real problem (and likely the point where you all start to ""hate"" me lol/smh):
1. I'm admittedly somewhat ""bigoted"" if you will against PwD (""persons w/ disabilities"" for those unfamiliar with the acronym). A ""self-hating PwD"", if you will. It's NOT that I find anything inherently ""wrong"" or ""bad"" with PwD, so much as it is I'm so fucking god-damned sick and tired of being labeled as nothing BUT a PwD, and having us always being pigeonholed into having to spend time with one another, because ""normal"" (for lack of a better, more ""P.C."" term) society doesn't want anything to do with us and ""God forbid"" they actually want to make friends with us or spend time with us.
2. I will say, there are a number of people here that are either intellectually (***significantly***) ""below my level"" OR they have some sort of speech impediment (probably from some sort of issue with their brain that interferes with their brain's ability to produce speech or something like that sorry, I'm not an expert on those disabilities nor speaking apparently as this is a major run on sentence....sorry) - neither of which there is anything intrinsically wrong with whatsoever, but it DOES severely impact my ability to want to be friends with them or get to know them. I quite simply no longer have the patience anymore to try to get to know somebody who doesn't have the mental capacity to talk about anything more than her apparent obsession with ""kitties"" (true story, there is actually someone here who all she talks about is cats) or to try to discern what someone is saying every time they open their mouths because unfortunately they are so impaired mentally that they struggle to form coherent speech. That's like ***WELL*** over 50% of the people I've come across so far. And the ones who aren't impaired in those ways that I've met so far, are either significantly older than me (this apartment's average age I'd say is well over 50+ and I'm not yet 34) or we just have nothing in common as I'm obsessed with sports and movies and T.V. and I have yet to meet a single person here who has the same interests. (NOTE: Sorry I should've tried to found a way to break this up into more paragraphs, but couldn't figure out a good way to do so).
Now, mind you - I know damn well that my inherent biases and SUPER anti-social tendencies are playing a (big?) part here, but I just can't bring myself to find anybody here who I want to get to know or hang out with. For that matter, none of the people I ***have*** introduced myself to so far have bothered to call me or knock on my door or even say ""hi"" in passing me in the hallways.
I've thought about trying to find a way to ""get involved"" in the community *outside* of the building, but between my ""anti-social"" tendencies and fear running my life and scaring the shit out of me in that sense every way possible prohibiting me from doing it so far, the other problem I have with it, is there is basically only about a 3-hour window - maximum - that I want to fill during the **daytime** hours (roughly 12-ish to 4:45-ish, my shows start at 5:00).....including transportation, which having to rely on ""para-transit"", means I could spend most of that time waiting).
And even that time I could probably spend catching up with shows I've missed that I want to see on demand. Basically, as has been the case for as long as I can remember, I'm a T.V. (and computer) ADDICT - and I'm largely okay with it, except I know it's unhealthy and antisocial. Ideally, I'd LIKE to be more social, but between being addicted to my electronics and being scared to death of socializing and the prospect of socializing with a bunch of people in the building that quite frankly I don't seem to *want* to get to know (and they've certainly made no attempt to get to know me with the exception of one old lady who we don't have much in common, and she's already admitted that I'm a ""dick"" - which I already knew so I wasn't offended, the idea is less than appetizing. (NOTE: thankfully, she doesn't seem to mind that I'm a dick, but again we only ate lunch together one time and I never got her apartment number and I haven't seen her since).
So to make a long story short - how do I get over my fears, and out of my funk, while still maintaining the things I enjoy (like surfing the net and binge-ing on T.V.) ? I'm thinking about volunteering, but the last time I tried (before I moved) I seem to remember those places always want you to volunteer - understandably, for a lot more hours than I'm willing to commit to.
I'll end by saying (if anyone is even stil reading this ""TL;DR"" post at this point,) that there is no need to point out any sort of ""self-sabotaging"" or ""excuse making"" on my point. I'm well aware I do ALL of that, and I just can't get past it....in which case I'm afraid I'm screwed until I'm able to do so.",moderate
dev_pid_1443,"Need advice/Help PLEASE : Hello /r/depression, I'm 17M and this is my first post here also sorry for bad english
I have been experiencing lately some kind of weird realisation that everything good I do is just  to seek attention and to be viewed as """"the best one"" and  bla bla shit like that.... And Fuck this shit is killing me, like  every time I say the right answer to the teacher it hits me, that all of this is just to seek attention. And I hate it. So i tried to just stay quiet in the class so even if I know the right answer then it hits me again that, staying quite just to be looked at like deep/dope person. I don't know what to do , how to feel ,anything.  And recently I started to get suicidal toughs.... 
Also I have this weird voice in my head that replicate others appreciation of me , I just wanted it to stop, I don't care about other.
This caused me to start to be an asshole to people, to cut any form of contact with anybody. To be hated.
As I said I don't know what to do, how to feel
I just wanted to start to feel normal and not thinking about what others thinks about me every damn second.
Again sorry for bad english.",moderate
dev_pid_1444,"What do you guys do when all you want to do is sleep? : I'm in a low point, and I really just want to go to bed when I get out of work at 5pm. It would waste my night and probably annoy my boy friend, but I don't know what else to do.",moderate
dev_pid_1445,do you have a brain fog during illness? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1446,"I don’t want to die, but I do : I’m at this point where I know I would never willingly take my own life, but I keep thinking like “man wouldn’t it be cool if I accidentally died.”  I know that is terrible because of all the people I would hurt, but sometimes I hope that maybe a car will just hit me and things will end there.  Again, I would never take my own life, but I feel at peace with the idea of an accidental death.  Not sure who can relate.",moderate
dev_pid_1447,"I need Help : So I don't know what to say i have never done this before. but i think i'm going to try it because this is the only thing i can think of, so where to start. i have been wanting to figure out what gives my life some kind of meaning, ive fucked everything up in my life and i'm fucking 18. i quit my job that someone work so hard for my to get (a teacher of mine) but i was not happy with it i would wake up and just want to well fore the lack of better terms die. the guys at work were great and everything if not assholes some of the time. i told them to stop they didn't so i quit. but now feel like an ass i'm sitting at home doing nothing but playing games and smoking weed i have been doing this for 4 years now and i don't know what to do i need help. i don't know who to talk to irl because i don't have much money for anything and i'm em-barest. i'm normally that fat happy dude but lately i have been feeling that i'm worthless and have no meaning to my life. like for fuck sake i don't even know what job i want to do. i was thinking to join the Canadian Military but i think that was just because i want to die. i don't know what to do any more. oh have i said to that i have never felt love other from well no one.",moderate
dev_pid_1448,I hate depression : So it's fucking Friday night and Im completely depressed. I have nothing to do. I'm not even interested in games atm. I feel just empty,moderate
dev_pid_1449,"Online therapy, or Reddit support groups? : Hello internet. 
I primarily feel better through texting but I’ve read that talkspace is more like sending an email than it is actually texting someone in real time - idk if I want that. I think I’d prefer if I could text some online texting a friend at 3 am or something, are there any services/apps any of you have tried? 
Also, does anyone know if Reddit has any group therapy subreddits or anything of the sort? I’ve done group therapy in real life and it was a good experience for me. 
I also was wondering if there’s essentially a way for me to find someone who texts - in a conversational way - and where I could find that service, platform or whatever.",moderate
dev_pid_1450,Memory loss from depression? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1451,"I feel alone : I’ve felt like this for a long time I barely have any friends I don’t feel like talking to anyone. My anxiety attacks are getting worse I tell my self not to cut myself but I do it anyway but it feels good when I do it the sharp
Knife through my skin feels great.i just wish I had friends or anything counselors don’t help. I have no friends not even PlayStation friends. I didn’t feel like posting this here cause I feel like I’m wasting people’s time. I’m not suicidal but yet I have the thoughts of killing myself I sometimes have dreams of me killing myself.I’m just tired of being quiet I’m tired of life.i don’t want to be alone.everyone just makes fun of me that I’m quiet. But I don’t care if people bully me it makes me feel happy about myself knowing that I’m worthless and pathetic.that I can’t even step up for my self.i just want to be happy.",moderate
dev_pid_1452,How I will handle this depression. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1453,Guilt over my Depression and Moments of Happiness. : I feel as if I'm selfish for seeking out help or talking about my issues because it feels others have it far worse than I do and by taking that attention they're losing it. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do because it seems as if my life isn't as hard as it could be and I beat myself up when I do recognise I'm feeling happier as I'm not feeling this regularly. I'm not sure how to rationalise these thoughts or if they irrational in the first place.,moderate
dev_pid_1454,"Tears are all I have left : Well, I’m about to go to work, and it’s time to cry in order to be able to cope through the shift and not show anyone my inner pain and appear happy.
Crying has become my only solace in life. I love crying. It’s like a prayer to God and a way of hugging myself. It’s like my soul finally being able to breath and speak.
It’s all I have that comforts me. No one knows me or sees me or understands me for who I am. No one comprehends the pain I’ve gone through and continue to go through everyday. I help others all the time and show love and compassion.
Who will help or save me now?
People are so judgemental. Why can’t we just love one another and do what’s right and avoid what’s wrong? People are so proud they don’t see anyone who suffers and they treat others like dirt.
We are all Gods children right? Why can’t we have compassion for one another and stop abusing each other, mocking others and being cruel?
Anyways,
Just wanted to write that.",moderate
dev_pid_1455,"Anxiety attacks and feeling at a loss. : I’m struggling to see the bright side of things anymore. I feel like I’m losing control of everything, and all I can see is darkness.",moderate
dev_pid_1456,"I know what to do, but don’t it : Hey guys! I know what to do in order to get out of depression and feel great, achieve my personal and academic goals, but somehow I always fail.
I get a good streak of maybe 2-3 days and then everything goes to shit again.
I know masturbating and watching porn makes me tired and depressed. I know that eating junk food also depresses me.
I know going to the gym will make me feel great about myself.
I have no friends, therefore no accountability partner..
How can I make sure I pull through with all these things, in order to beat depression??",moderate
dev_pid_1457,"Low Point of Life : \> Last night I messed up an exam which I have prepared for weeks
\> This night I start cutting my wrist to feel the pain, cry the whole night because I kept thinking what will by parent and sibling think if I really do it
\> Missed the psychiatrist appointment for two weeks first because of oversleeping, second because I was busy doing report
\> Masturbated after a week of no masturbating
\> Felt like trash, open IG, sweetheart has just dated someone
\> Venting my sadness and grief into anger
\> Punched the wall really hard
\> Have a lab activity at 9 a.m. because I failed last year haven't slept (it's 3 a.m. here)
\> Can life be much worse? Basically got nothing to lose now since realization that sweetheart has been dating and how much emotion I had invested on her, I feel my anger bursting",moderate
dev_pid_1458,"What do you do when depression randomly kicks in? : One moment I'm happy, bright as the sun. The next, I'm just low. I can't get myself to smile, no motivation to do anything. Just blank with no purpose. 
In such situations, what do you do to make yourself feel better? How do you get over this phase? What eases it?",moderate
dev_pid_1459,When I think of killing myself I laugh. : I picture it in my head and think it’s funny for some reason. Somethings wrong.,moderate
dev_pid_1460,"I don't cut, I just beat the shit out of myself. : I don't know if anyone can relate, but I tend to punch myself in the face it's a pretty funny image but hey. I gave myself a black eye a few times.",moderate
dev_pid_1461,"Do non-depressed people see life as a net-positive experience? : Life is a net-negative experience. This is true. This is self-evident. People put up with the negative experiences/sensations/feelings of life so they can experience the positive ones. Or else they just don't consider that life is a choice.   
Is this strictly my depression talking? Or are non-depressed people simply better at ignoring this truth? If non-depressed people were to quantify and sum up all negative and positive aspects of their perception of being alive, would it be a positive number?",moderate
dev_pid_1462,"I am forgetting how it felt to feel happy : It has been so long, I do not remember how it feels to feel happy. When I see, hear or remember happiness it makes me feel even more depressed. I just feel like I am sitting in the dark everyday and as time passes it feels harder and harder to escape. I just want to sit down and not have to battle every thought in my mind and expend all my daily energy towards acting normal.",moderate
dev_pid_1463,"I’m tired of fighting : I’ve spent years fighting against depression, ptsd, generalised anxiety disorder and an eating disorder. I’ve had support from the local mental health team done tons of therapy throughout the years. Medication the lot. But I still think of ending my life everyday. Sometimes it’s less intense and other times it’s highly intense. 
I’ve stopped talking to any family about how I feel because I get comments a lot if i do about how to effects them. Although I have a complex diagnosis I am not a person who creates toxic environments for them. It’s almost as if my very existence is a reminder that they failed me as a child to protect me. I do understand it must be really hard for them. They’re the only reason I havnt fully gone through with a suicide attempt because I wouldn’t want to break my mums heart I know she would blame herself but I’m getting to the end of my 20s and I’m incredibly tired or feeling this way. 
When I try and do something just for myself it upsets someone in the family for example if I say I’m going to go out with my brother who is around my own age to go watch a band or distract myself by other siblings who chose to have families say “oh you never want to spend time with me” it’s like nothing I do is right. I feel like I’m living for everybody else but what I really want is to just not live. 
I feel incredibly stuck in life i live in a box room can’t afford to move out. I just stay in my room 90% of the time every night I say to myself stay in the moment be mindful tomorrow is a new day. But when I wake up it’s the same feelings. 
Sorry if this isn’t appropriate or it’s not very clear. I guess I just needed to tell someone.",moderate
dev_pid_1464,I’ve been trying my whole life to not be what my parents are and get out of the cycle and system I’ve been put through and I’m back again with my own family. : I hated growing up going to the court house all the time. I’d attribute all the constant fighting and back and forth to a majority of what I deal with today not being able to find joy in anything and constantly lying about happiness and pushing everyone away. I swore on my life to this day I would never put any children I have through this and yet I’m struggling to find my own time with him that doesn’t involve struggling and arguing with my bm everyday. I just wanted a family and I’m slowing losing my sanity and everyone around me. I don’t expect advice or anyone to really have much to say I’ve always tried to find a way out of this or see the good in it. It’s just getting so much lately. This weight on my chest is so heavy lately I feel like crying everyday and if I’m not crying I’m held up in my room. I’m 21 and everyone tells me that it’s only beginning and everything can get better but I don’t know if I can anymore.,moderate
dev_pid_1465,"Not really sure what to say kinda new to this : So I'm not super good at being open, but lately it's hard to go through a hour, especially at work without some form of crying spell. Since where I'm at the cost of getting a therapy session in takes for ever, or they want to charge a arm and a leg. Which I dont have since struggling with money since I'm the only that works currently in the family.
Figured I'd try anything at this point since even though it's legal in my current state I don't want to rely on drugs for a crutch. I know they work wonders on people and people swear by it, its just not for me. Then I've gone cold turkey with alchol since I figured in this current state that also wasnt the best idea to keep it in the house. So I've been sober since last october, but the longer I live here the harder it is for me. Like it's hard to explain since in my mind, I know people are going through this with me and there are people who have it worse then me. That all dosnt seem to matter though and I cant shake it off me.
I've been kinda slowly I'm depressed over the last 3 years, and it just gets harder each day, there are some good days though. Even some good weeks like went down south to look at houses, and for the week and a half I didnt have any kinda crying spell or anything. Felt like me and it was great, then came back up here and it's been really rough on me. The mood swings have been worse and I've been distancing myself from my wife, and closing myself off to the outside. All I can do is just watch and I feel helpless to do anything about it, minus just cry which I've been doing for the past hour in my office toilet.
Then got to thinking maybe there is a reddit where I can kinda just talk, even if it's to myself for a little bit. I really dont know much coping skills or even methods. Which I've been looking into, and take some cbd gummies even though they dont really do much for me I feel. I'm just trying anything really to get over this hump and find the path back to feeling like me. So figured maybe this could be therapeutic maybe I'm not really sure. I also dont feel hate or anything like that, like it's just feeling numb at times, and feeling like I'm alone even if my wife is litterly a finger away from me. 
I guess some of it could be contributed to my first parrot, which was given to my by now wife like 7 years ago at this point. Which unfortunately she died after the move due to stress and complications of it. Then I got another bird after some time of grieving since birds make me happy and what not. She unfortunately died due to stress after our basement flooded. That could be a huge factor to how I feel up here. I'm not sure but thanks for listening and I hope all have a great day.",moderate
dev_pid_1466,"What do you do when you feel empty as a plastic bottle, with 0 motivation to even get a glass of water, crying without a reason and wanting to just end it all? : For all my life the thing that i have always wanted to do is to stab myself in the chest and just see what happens when I die. All the things I liked doing, I dont enjoy anymore. I think all my ""friends"" hold a grudge against me, and i do not know what for.
In person it would take you some telepathy to really see that there is something wrong with me. I've learnt to hide, as we all have. It hasn't been 2 day or 2 weeks or few months that I have had those kind of thoughts.
Everyone I know has or is talking behind my back, I have heard rumours that I smoke, drink, use drugs, take steroids and a handfull of things that I can't begin to explain. I am only 17, my middle school was nothing but me being bullied or made fun off, being used or treated as trash. In high school I had a crush on a girl from my class, we were texting, getting to know each other n stuff.... Just how much do I regret ever noticing that this human being even existed, if i could go back and just skip the part with her it would be the best thing.
My home aint a better place either, father is a drinker, sister is a little brat, my mother struggles to make ends meet since my father is a piece of shit, so I do my best to help with whatever I can. I am grateful that I have a bed to sleep in, though it aint always warm.. I am great I have food on the table. I am ashamed of how my home looks so I never have invited someone over.
Solitude is all I know, I have become to be uncomfortable around other people, just because I fear someone would pierce or see thru the shell of the cool and chill dude that makes everybody laugh, and will see what a mess he is when he gets a little privacy.
I am sitting in bed listening to sad songs crying my eyes out for no reason at all, I am really thinking about ending it all tonight. Tho I wonder will someone beside my mom and sister care that I will be dead? My abscense wont make a difference in anyone's life at all. Would anyone even care at all. My existence doesnt matter at all, and if that's the case why should it continue, why not end it tonight. I have promised my mother not to kill myself, but it is really hard to keep the promise.
Have you felt like that? How have you resisted the urge to just end it all?",moderate
dev_pid_1467,"I'm afraid I'm going emotionally numb and I am over compensating for it. : I have been pushing people away in anticipation of abandonment. But the minute somebody is nice to me about my issues, I cling to them with all my might and forget boundaries. I hope for too much and end up disappointed and what's worse is that I know I have no right to expect too much out of anybody. But somebody close to me told me I could talk whenever I wanted and when I tried, they responded in ways that shattered me. I was told I'm pitying myself too much. At other times, I tried to talk and they told me they were busy and that has begun making me feel guilty about burdening people who obviously have far more important things to do. 
Even after all this, I cling to them shamelessly. I cling to them because I feel like the minute I let go, I'm going to end up completely and utterly lonely. I'd rather be a pain to them than be alone with my thoughts because I'm afraid. I've been called selfish and shameless and I remember feeling nothing about it. Nothing but a void in my chest that was making its presence felt with a strong pull. I'm scared of going numb. I don't want to stop feeling. But somehow this shamelessness and lack of emotions make me think I'm there already. 
And here I am, trying to feel relevant on the internet because the people in my life are sick of what a zombie I've become.",moderate
dev_pid_1468,"When you know no one will miss you when you're gone : Hi, first time user here. I've read post before I finally worked my way to making an account, and wanted to let this out. 
Been depressed almost 10yrs. Looking back, I was never close to anyone to speak about being suicidal. The few the knew about it, didn't seem to take me seriously. 
Only child, moved a lot between schools, so my friendships never lasted. Plus my parents were very strict, so I couldn't visit any of them anyways, nor were they allowed to come over. 
Shitty childhood/teenage life. Been in relationships where my kindness was used, been cheated on, those I was infatuated with never seen me the same way. I'd always think I'm the problem or the reason things never work out. I'm not worth fighting for or keeping for the long run.
I always thought I'd die before I'm 25. I'm 26. I still feel strongly about leaving this place. I wish I can just sleep and then just shut down completely. Just die peacefully. Sadly life doesn't work that way, because ya know, life isn't fair. 
Knowing when I die, no one would know. It's pretty sad honestly, I want to be missed or at least know I was relevant. I was never someone's priority or first choice, not even from my parents.",moderate
dev_pid_1469,"a relapse : I had a major depressive episode that lasted almost a whole fucking year and a few months ago I felt so sure that the nightmare ended and that I could finally start living a normal life.I did feel so much better.I started going to a therapist and working on my issues .I managed to stay focused and do really well at school .I started feeling a lot more confident in myself and  I even felt real happiness . I was in a really good place for about 4 months .I was so sure that I would never feel the way I felt when I had a major depressive episode again ,that I would not fall back into that dark pit .And I was so proud of myself for overcoming depression.
     And then ,a month ago,some shitty things happened to me.It made me feel powerless ,helpless .I  couldn’t come to terms with the fact that something so completely out of my control happened to me.And even though I promised to myself that I wouldn’t let that shit interfere with the progress I was making ,it did interfere.I just couldn’t help it .The damage was not done overnight .It was bringing me down slowly ,day by day .
   At first, I thought I was doing just fine.But then i caught myself having persistent thoughts that once made me decide to take my own life .Then I found myself having difficulty concentrating on my studies ,even though I absolutely love studying and learning new things .Then I started sleeping too much because the incessant flow of thoughts and overthinking made me feel exhausted  .The headaches started.Getting out of bed was becoming more and more difficult.And at a certain point I was so overwhelmed by my feelings that I just literally turned my emotions off .I didn’t feel anything .I felt numb and empty.I guess i kind of felt like I had to resort to turning  the emotions off  because keeping up an act of being ok with all the thoughts eating away at me all the time was difficult as hell.My mom started noticing that I was skipping school and staying in my bed all day instead .I could tell she was afraid that I was in a really dark place again.And I just couldn’t put her through that pain again.She suffered enough because of me.So I numbed my feeling and started attending school regularly .The whole numbing my emotions thing was working out just fine for me.I went to school .I didn’t think about anything ,I didn’t feel anything ,it’s like I was there but my mind was somewhere else . I tried to put a smile on whenever my mom was around .
    Obviously I couldn’t keep escaping from my own thoughts forever .This would have been way too easy to be true . A few day’s ago all the thoughts I tried so hard to avoid  just burst out and it feels so fucking overwhelming .
   I just can’t believe that I am feeling all this shot again .I was so sure that the nightmare had ended .
   I doubt someone finished reading this because it came out way too longer than I expected ,but anyways I just wanted to share this with someone because there’s literally nobody I can talk to.I just needed to get this out of my system.
   Whoever is reading this ,I hope that you’ll find enough strength to keep going no matter what .
   Thanks",moderate
dev_pid_1470,"It's like teachers got worse after being told I have anxiety and depression : ( This is a bit of a post to get rid of my anger )
I talked to my school guidanc councilor and she told the principal that I was going to therapy for depression and anxiety. She told teachers to consider that when giving out to me for certain things. Like I get really tired because of my mental illness so I get snappy at teachers when they annoy me so they basically give me more of a chance or something.
So I have cbas ( classroom based assessment ) they are basically small projects that go towards your junior certificate and im really stressing over them cuz they give some percentage of my tests. So I was working on my computer turned off. I went to the teacher kinda panicked because I had 3 days to finish ( I'm finished now :D ) and I needed computer to work I told him this and he sat me in a corner of the room and gave me paper and told me to work on I couldn't so just doodled on the paper and got lunch time detention. This was maths.
Then in English I was sleeping after finishing my work. This teacher is usually really understanding. He came up to me slapped the table next to me and said if you wanna sleep get out of my God damn class lemme see your work. Showed him the work he told me it was about what he expected from a 3 year old. I re write it he says it's terrible and that I need to do it for homework. Next day I did more than he wanted me to do ( 250  word essay expected and I done 300 - 350 ) he says he couldn't read the writing and that I need to do it AGAIN I refused got kicked out of class had to go to the principal and she said I should work to his standards. A few other things happened but these are the worst.",moderate
dev_pid_1471,"When your parents think you're just lazy and lecture you about how much of a good for nothing pig you are and how you're going to fail in life. : And when they acuse you of starving yourself in order to be skinny because you skip a meal and say how ungrateful you are because they cooked it for you and you don't eat.
And when they say that your whole generation is shit and conscription should be enforced to teach you how to behave.
It just isn't helping at all.",moderate
dev_pid_1472,"Genuinely frustrated at everything. : A lesser man would have lost his mind with the amount of SHEER AND TOTAL CRAP that I have to endure. Nothing is ever simple, everything has to be a giant fucking hurdle, I can't have balance, there will always be something that will fuck things up for me no matter what.
I am utterly, utterly sick of it. I'm sick of being trod on by the world. Even when I try my best there is always someone or something antagonistic, either on purpose, or inadvertently.
My mind doesn't seem to know peace.",moderate
dev_pid_1473,"I am not who I use to be but who I am is not good enough for me. : A phrase muttered amongst my depressive writings that stems from many others said and written before. 
As most people on this subreddit do, I struggle with the overbearing idea of “I am not good enough” and the words themselves make me want to curl up and revert back into my old ways. But after therapy and many hard hitting perspective changes I’ve finally learned to look at my old self as a separate person and not who I am now. There’s many areas I still struggle with that make me feel like less and that I use to try and convince myself I am that person. But never have I appreciated myself before recently and all that I have over come and will continue to. 
Last night I was one of my lowest points Ive had in years but there’s finally a voice that says “no” that speaks through it all and knowing I’ve got that back in my life is enough to keep living for and working towards. 
It’s in our nature to fear death, and to want to die is an unhealthy way of signaling you want change. Not death. Kill the ego, not yourself.",moderate
dev_pid_1474,"I'm so done : I'm so fucking tired and it's getting bad again and I'm pushing everyone away. I don't have anyone to talk to about what's happening in my head and while I know  I have friends and a boyfriend that care about me, I feel so absolutely alone. One of my friends is hitting on my boyfriend again and my boyfriend doesn't know, but both me and one of his friends has confronted him about it. She's also struggling with panic attacks again and refuses to go on a stronger dose of medicine because he doesn't want to talk to people. He constantly makes me feel bad about myself without even knowing he's doing it, but if I confront him about it he gets really upset. Today I tried to talk about how I was feeling and he just went ""Sorry"" and I knew that he didn't mean it. So I said, well, I don't really want to talk anymore and he says same. Right now, I'm trying not to relapse again, but it is incredibly hard at the moment. He and I are probably going to break up soon, and I don't know how I can handle that. I don't wanna do anything bad, but I feel like I will.",moderate
dev_pid_1475,I've been severely depressed the last four months and have completely isolated myself from all of my friends. I feel like I'm now incapable of having an interesting conversation with anyone other than my partner because I barely do it anymore.This makes me further isolate myself. Any advice please? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1476,"Didn’t get better : It’s been 11 years since I last tried to kill myself.
I’ve been working the same job for ten, have “moved up the ladder” to a management position. Recently bought a house with a friend and a newish car. 
Lots of friends who won’t leave me alone. 
But I feel like nothing is better.  I haven’t accomplished anything except get fatter and more in debt. I wanted to believe it when everyone says it gets better but it hasn’t. 
I’ve spent the last three weeks with a constant voice in my head telling me to walk into traffic. 
I’ve been speaking to 5 different therapists trying to find someone who has a time slot I can actually make.  
I was just now washing my hands while looking in the mirror and the first thought to pop in my head was “I hope you get the carona virus so I dont have to look at you anymore”",moderate
dev_pid_1477,"life feels like going only downhill and i don't have any more ideas on how to make it better : I feel like everything i do comes back at me, i only wish good for others and i really try not to hurt people around me. I really don't know if this is depression or just a bad time but i felt it since this summer, i had days when i would just wake up and think 'fuck, i feel so fucking bad' and i was feeling so down that i skipped school many times, i always try to explain myself to others for what is happening and i get the same answers, i don't feel any affection in their words and it makes me even more sad. I've tried to talk with my parents about this and they only said that it's a teenager phase and i really don't know , i've went through anorexia too, i am in recovery but my ED seems to come back because no one tries to help me and i just binge everyday until i feel worse, i just want to eat normal but i can't, i have tried going vegan, vegetarian, even went to the gym nothing worked because everytime i tried something, my friends kept telling me something bad about these things, like when i joined the gym some of them told me that it's not good for me because it'll make me stay short, when i went vegan they all told me i am stupid and it is not normal. I really want to be happy and i've posted many times on different subreddits but no one answered so i deleted them. I feel most of the time like i am overreacting or that i am seeking attention but it is not like that, i don't want people to have this picture of me, i just want to be happy in my body and enjoy life, i've tought many times about suicide and ways to kill myself but i never tried it.",moderate
dev_pid_1478,"Didn’t get better : It’s been 11 years since I last tried to kill myself.
I’ve spent the last three weeks with a constant voice in my head telling me to walk into traffic. I’ve been speaking to 5 different therapists trying to find someone who has a time slot I can actually make.  
Friends and family are starting to get pissed at me. I’m trying to be less of a doormat lately to try and get out of my “funk” but when I do stand up for myself over even the smallest things like reminding them that No I am in fact not the only person capable of ordering pizza. They react like I’m kicking their new puppy. 
I was just now washing my hands while looking in the mirror and the first thought to pop in my head was “I hope you get the carona virus so I dont have to look at you anymore” 
Don’t really have a point to make. Just don’t have anyone who takes me seriously.",moderate
dev_pid_1479,"You ever get asked the ""where do you see yourself in five years?"" question in a job interview or something and have to stutter because ""probably not alive"" is the knee-jerk response? : First off, what a stupid fucking question to ask anyway.  What do you want to hear as the interviewer when you ask that question?  That I'm indifferent and stagnant enough to stay with your company that long assuming you hire me or that I'm ambitiously arrogant enough to in five years plan on being well passed this shit?  Fuckin' hell, man.
Undoubtedly there are varying degrees of suicidality just as there are reasons for doing it, all depends on the person.  I suppose I'm the sloth suicidal.  I've tip-toed through and around depression for the better part of my conscious life and I can't help but feel miserable an overwhelming percentage of the time.  Yet, when the obvious solution to this conundrum of despising being alive is ""well, don't be alive anymore"", the meddling safeguards of thinking about the wake of my actions swelling over everything and everyone I leave behind effectively whiteout any sort of blueprint I have for seeing myself out of my life.  Sounds rather counter-intuitive, but I'd rather my last thoughts be more ""you gave it a go, you're not doing anything wrong, you do you, kiddo"" and less ""hey, you're a tremendous asshole for this, I hope you know that.""  
I can comfortably say I'm not doing it tonight, or tomorrow, or this year or even the next, but I genuinely feel like that's how I'm going out pending the absence of a freak car crash or lightning strike or some shit.
Don't even really know what I'm trying to say here, but do you ever feel like this?  Like life is essentially an existential clusterfuck that you want no part of, but for whatever fucking reason just can't make any sort of move?
Afterthought:  can't help but laugh that when driveling on in this post I look up at the browser tab and it says 'Submit to depression'   Fuckin' A.",moderate
dev_pid_1480,"I'm really close to the edge. : When I die I'm going to just be another statistic and fade into obscurity. It's not worth it to be here. I just wish I could be here to see the faces of all the people who made me miserable when I die. I hope they rot. I'll be forgotten. I'll be nothing but an empty vessel. It's so calming. I can't wait. Home is where the hatred is by scott heron on repeat, that song is a masterpiece. I want to kill myself, but for now I'm going to take a long, long nap and hopefully the depression will subside and I can have a will to live again. Hopefully.",moderate
dev_pid_1481,I hate myself and want to die : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1482,"Life has been a roller coaster, and I don't know what to do : I've had alot of this on my mind for a long time. I just need somewhere to write it down and try to see if anyone understands. I've been through alot for only being 19 and my years before age 14 had alot of bad shit connected to it that im not 100% teady to talk about.  At 14 I finally cut contact with my drug addict father after he tried to get my siblings and I taken by the state (again) and get my step dad thrown in jail for false accusations of rape on my little sister. That alone was just a bad time. He called me the night i filed a restraining order to tell me he was going to kill himself and it was my fault, that he hoped i was happy that I caused it. Fast forward 3 months and I was told by my doctor that I have something genetically wring with the muscles and joints in my knees and they needed to do surgery. Fine whatever its just to check on things and I was fine after a week of rest. All they did was clean up scar tissue. However i had just started highschool and was in a junior ROTC program through the army. I was excited and wanted to make a difference that my POS father refused to. I loved this program it was my family and I made really good friends. I joined their shooting team and made it my goal. I got good, really good, too 10 in the nation good . My coach and instructors were ther closest thing to a father I had. I loved them and I felt safe with them. A year goes by and my surgeon tells me he was wrong. He had missed something and thats why I was in pain, he ended up doing an extensive surgery on me at 16, cutting bone and screwing it in at another spot, cutting muscle and ligaments to release pressure and cutting into one of my hamstrings so I wouldn't loose the ability to walk. Recovery for that was terrible. I couldn't walk, couldn't shoot, couldn't do much of anything. I gained probably 40 pounds over my 3 month recovery. I had finally recovered from it and was back in swing and ready for my first big event with my friends. It was an annual ball that the rotc puts on and I was finnally back with my family, couldn't do much but back. I remeber that night because it was one of the last times I felt complete. I was invites to another party a week after but I had to turn it down, my leg wasn't ready and I just couldn't.  I went to sleep early and woke up with over 100 notifications. Come to find out my best friend who had invited me the night before had gotten in an accidnet and died on the way home.I was shaken to my core. His back up driver was shit faced and killed him and it was all becuase I wasn't there. A month later I was at his funeral and we were able to give him a send off to be proud of, all I remember was crying. I had lost one of my two bestfriends, the people who stood by me and had to torn apart relationships in the process of grieving. That excat night another tragedy struck, the third in our trio, a friend of mine sense elementary had passed away from complications with the flu. I was absolutely devastated. I couldn't function. Both of my pillars just died within a month of eachother. I threw myself into shooting and my coach. He was all the support I had left. Fast forward 6 months to the summer. My surgeon had just told me the day before that my other leg needed the same procedure and I could no longer be eligible for military service, the next day I rolled my car down a 30 foot embankment trying to swerve around two dogs. Once I was out of the hospital my coach called me to check on me and told me we would get breakfast after his hiking trip. My coach was epileptic but always loved to go on adventures, he was the classic Jersey stereotype with a heart of gold. I loved that man with everything I had. He was all I felt I had left. He ended up having an episode while hiking and fell of the side of a cliff,  they found his body the next morning on a rock on the river. I was completely devistated, I didnt know what to do but luckily I had made one more friend that I could talk too. I got my second surgery and gained more weight from the depression and lack of movement. This guy became my best friend, helped me through alot and let me vent to him. Flashforward to last month. He is on trial for child sex abuse and has confessdd to it but is now fighting it. I know he is guilty and being a victim of sexual abuse as a child I hate him for it. One of my last friends raped and abused his fathers girlfriend's daughter for years. Here I am now in college across the state and I am beyond lost with no true direction to follow. I want to go home and live closer to my family, but I am engaged and she is from the same town I lived in. We both want to move but aren't sure what to do. 
This isn't for pity I just really needed to get this out, thank you in advance for any advice.",moderate
dev_pid_1483,"If I were my parents, I'd be disappointed in me : My other siblings are either working in the job they've always wanted, or a good job in general. They're also living away from home, and dating/engaged. My younger siblings have an idea about what they want to do. Meanwhile I'm 20, work in the same takeaway for 5 years. 
I have no clue about what I want to do, other than die. That's the only thing I'm certain about. I live at home, haven't dated anyone or kissed anyone. I'm incapable of social interaction, I don't even have an ID, despite being 21 this year because I don't have any friends to go out with.
I'll never amount to anything, and everyone knows it. I'm dreading my 21st birthday because it'll just hammer home the fact that I'm wasting my life.",moderate
dev_pid_1484,"it's suffocating : there's no way out. my mental health has been steadily declining for.. 17, 18 days now? today I almost had a pretty bad anxiety attack in school because of how I pissed off my friend like an asshole. I think I made her cry, probably. I just wanna push everyone away. they don't even care anymore. I cry for help so much it's like I'm crying wolf. they don't fucking care, man. my friends don't care. I'm just gonna push them away. nothing feels worth energy anymore. I feel like I'm drowning. I haven't felt this way in months, I haven't thought of hurting myself in months, but here we are. 
I'm tired of trying to fucking float.
it's like the water is up to my mouth now as I'm struggling to look over it, the dark dark black sludge of water is on the verge of drowning me and all I can do is sit here and wait for my death because I don't have any help to get out or any energy to get out myself.
I'm not strong enough for daily life. everything trivial just fucking tears away at me. I'm such a piece of shit. I deserve to be in pain, oh god. I wanna drink",moderate
dev_pid_1485,"Ending Suicidal Thoughts : I've been having suicidal thoughts every day for about five years. I thought I would get better but that seems increasingly unlikely as time progresses.
I'd like to have advice from someone who had severe suicidal desires for a long time but then overcame them. How did you do it? What worked for you?",moderate
dev_pid_1486,"this is very long but i have to get it off my chest : i’d always been a chubby kid. when i was young it was cute but as i got older it become a visual problem. i was never so chubby that it caused health problems for me. but visually however it did. soon my parents and family started to put pressure on me to loose weight. i had always being ok with my appearance but as time grew and my family told me to loose weight more and more often i started to hate my body and the way that i looked. around this time i started getting anxiety and stress. all of this combined and resulted in depression. i was very unhappy and struggled with myself. as i hit 8th grade appearance started to matter more and more and the pressure i got from my parents exponentially increased. i continued in a state of depression with very little friends, hate for myself and a struggle to trust others. although i was struggling with anxiety stress and depression i told no one not even my family and kept my struggles a secret worried that if my family knew they would blame it on themselves. during second semester of 8th grade i began to form a solid friend group of people who liked me with no regard to my weight. even though these people are amazing people there was a clear boundary between the skinny people in the group and me. they all liked me as a friend but no one had a crush on me because i was fat. this made my already low self esteem very low.  throughout this the pressure from my family continued. and you may be wondering by now “ why did i not loose weight?” well that’s because eating food gave me the same satisfaction and lift out of sadness that self harm gives to others. it was coping mechanism and my cause of depression. it’s a vicious cycle. i was determined to keep my depression a secret because by now it was clear that one of the main causes was my family’s pressure to be skinny and i didn’t want my family to feel guilty. i entered into 9th and everything hit me like a bus. i started loosing the wall i had built around myself and people started constantly asking if i was ok. fat jokes were also common although none were meant to be directed at me they still affected me. my family’s pressure to loose weight along with the school events led me to a deep depression that forced me into overeating and impulsively eating. finally i got tired of that and asked my parents to not pressure for 3 months and let me loose weight on my own. they didn’t. they didn’t understand the fact that they were “looking out for me” was causing me to hate myself and loose all motivation to be skinnier. they yelled at me and screamed and me daily for not loosing weight and now i don’t know what to do. they won’t listen to pain and rnt making an effort to let me loose weight on my own. they r also foreign and don’t understand things like depression or anxiety and are also very strict. along with the weight thing i’m also experiencing difficulties in academics and experiencing struggles with freindship. i find my self crying my self to sleep everyday and i don’t know what to do or who to talk to. this is the first time i have ever said this and even if no one can help it feels good to get it off my chest after 2 long years.",moderate
dev_pid_1487,"Struggling to keep Breathing. : I'm not sure even where to begin. I'm trying to work through it, through the thoughts, the urges...honestly it doesn't seem worth it anymore to be here. 
I love when people say ""you have so much to live for!"" 
As if they know what goes on behind closed doors. They don't. 
I'm on medication, go to therapy, the whole nine. Nothing seems to really help. Of course I have my highs and lows. But, recently, its been a lot of lows. It's crazy how people tell you they ""care"" or ""will always be there for you"" and then it becomes ""too much"" or ""too often."" 
Breathing is just becoming a struggle and I'm not sure I can handle all that goes on inside. I feel like I am going to explode. 
Just don't feel like I deserve to live. I'm sure some would agree.",moderate
dev_pid_1488,"The worst pain is when you can do nothing but watch as your life slowly falls apart, piece by piece, day after day. : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_1489,Someone please tell me that im doing my best : Please tell me that im doing my best. None of.my friends are answering and im really close to breaking down please tell me anything i beg of you,moderate
dev_pid_1490,Help : I think I’m going to self-harm. I don’t want to use tipp skills because I think it will alert the people around me. What should I do to prevent it?,moderate
dev_pid_1491,"I regret I tried to be better : So if I would quickly sum up my life I would say that it was just full of bad experiences and few good moments (mostly when I was like 8 to 11 years old), and from that it has not been looking so good( I'm 17 now) , I didn't (still don't) have many friends and my family doesn't care about me with exception of paying something for me from time to time (not like I deserve anything from them anyway), so it's been like this for some time but suddenly in last September I just started to feel better, I started to socialize more (more or less unsuccessful but at least I tried ), getting better grades at school and I even managed to find good friend, she became the only reason why I started to self-improve and she was the only person that I could tell everything, because no matter what I told her she was the first person that actually listened to me and tried her very best to help me (even at times where I had mental breakdowns and I appreciate it so much), and so I thought I should treat her as best as I could, and I thought that maybe one day I would be brave enough to tell her what I actually feel to her (that is that I love her more then anyone in my life) , I managed that (not exactly the way I imagined it but still I did) and so we sort started to build a relationship (at least I think we did, honestly I don't understand relationships, so I'm not really sure,and it was starting to look quite well, for example we went to a park few times and we just sat there on one of the benches and just enjoyed a bit of peace in our busy lives, but then ( I think it was like in the end of January) she told me that she doesn't feel the same way I feel about her, that really hit me, but I accepted it, because I sort of understood why she doesn't feel the same way, and so we've still been talking and going to the dance lessons (that's actually where we met), but last weeks I feel like we're starting to get more and more distant from each other, we don't chat so often as we did, we don't play videogames so often as we did, and I just feel like she doesn't like spending time with me anymore (for example today she left in the middle of a dance lesson, and I still don't know why), and I again I start to feel as bad as I felt before I met her, and I feel that if such a great person, like her, doesn't want to spend time with me, nobody will. And so I don't know what to do, I feel powerless and I don't know if I ever find someone like her because so far no one but her made me feel like life really has a meaning. And so here I am now depressed, anxious and I don't know how is everything going to be and I fear I'll again start to isolate myself and lose everyone who at least doesn't hate me, as I managed to do multiple times in my life. So if anyone has some kind words or maybe even an advice for anything I would be very very grateful.",moderate
dev_pid_1492,"Heartfelt, I sorrowfully sing. :   
Heartfelt song.
I rock on black because, and it’s an attitude.
No change in pace could ever cure this mood. 
I sit here weighted and listless or broken inside.
The pain of this sorrow affecting all parts of my life. 
A myriad of drab colors carrying daylong.
I rock on black moments filled with regret.
My choices, my past, heartfelt I sorrowfully sing. 
Sunshine and daylight, I don’t float joy.
I rock on blue as the days move on.
When I am alone, truly alone, I break down and cry.
Wasted in a haunt of depression that rings.
The pressure feels like heartbreak deep down in my chest.
I rock on blue, each moment is spent.
Wishing for the chance to fix what I wrecked.
Sunshine and daylight, they don’t hold me.
I rock on grey and try to fit in, when I can’t tell a single person what I’m truly feeling. 
It’s true what they say about the desire for release.
It’s honest to wish for a small bit of peace. 
It’s never too late to fix your mistakes, but mine went down with a thud. 
There is no going back from the depths of this wade.
Sunshine and daylight, please go away. 
What is it that makes a person appear well? 
No better at lying than I am, for sure. 
The deepness of these feeling smothering me.  
It cannot be fixed by a simple hello,
It cannot be remedied with a good day at all. 
I am broken and truly saddened by what I am trying to describe.
It’s a feeling of my entire life slipping by. 
My choices, my past, heartfelt I sorrowfully sing.
The darkness keeps grabbing and pushing on me.",moderate
dev_pid_1493,Hey ? : Hey I dont know why I'm writing this I dont know why I'm still here in this reality of mine. I guess I will tell you about me I've had depression for around 7 years I'm 16 and I first tried to end my life around the age of 9-10 with a knife I got bullied in school eveyday of every year and i guess i say that's when it started I don't know what really to say I'm unfazed by everything now I'm simply a hollow shell I only am here because I love my mother and she works to keep me alive so I feel selfish if I ended my life. I'm not sure what else to say how long have you all been suffering I guess? I'm numb right now nothing more,moderate
dev_pid_1494,"Your parents not knowing how it feels to be depressed sucks ass : When i was about 12 my depression started it wasn't  that bad like now but i never had the balls to tell them how i feel so i kept it a secret, recently i finally told them that i want to see a therapist, of course i had to call myself. Now that they know that i'm depressed they are still calling me ""lazy"" or saying that i don't do anything like they never thought why it is like that. It hurts so much to do even simple activities especially when you are being forced to do them and when you can't you are called lazy.",moderate
dev_pid_1495,"What do you do when all you want to do is to die but you dont want to put your family throght it? : Well hello, im 17 and i cant say ive been happy for years i would say, but the thing is that i dont have anything to feel bad about, i just feel like shit all the time. I used to cut myself but i dont anymore same with drugs, but i just cant seem to find happiness in anything. I just wish that i was never born. Also i go to a psychologist but i dont feel like i can talk to hom anyway. 
What are some of your thoghts on this matter?",moderate
dev_pid_1496,this is hell : my head is killing me it’s bad enough I feel like killing myself. It's almost Everyday now my head hurts. My thoughts are going round and round I literally day dream of slitting my wrist I have to hold back my tears at school I can almost feel them coming out. I'm trying to forget about this girl one minute I feel fine the next I wanna die. I know you're supposed to distract yourself but I can't even get out of bed my remote is 2 feet in front of me and I don't even feel like picking it up. I wish I had a girl that would support me I know that's selfish no one wants a guy who's mentally broken.,moderate
dev_pid_1497,"I really wanna fucking die, I don’t wanna “hurt my self” instead take a clean shot to the head. : Every single time something seems to be going good something must happen to ruin the good moment. I’m really fucking done, this is what is so weird. I have many “friends”, I have decent grades and everything. The problem is when I come home. My parents argue every. Single. Day. And this week was going really good. I met this girl that I loved since freshmen year. She “bonded” with me, she ended up asking for my snap. And guess what later today I got caught her making fun of me cause I’m a fatty. I feel like it was a setup but idk. This is the tip of the iceberg. I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom it really can’t get any worse than this. I don’t know I just want someone to talk too someone not out of pity but someone who actually cares.",moderate
dev_pid_1498,"I don’t understand : Yesterday I was feeling especially awful, and someone finally noticed, one of my best friends. I talked to her about it after school and all, and i felt pretty good about it. So anyway, earlier today, at the very end of school, i got a hug from her, and normally it makes me feel so so so much better, but today... i felt nothing, we hugged, and i thought i was going to feel better, but i didn’t, i felt exactly the same. I don’t really understand it anymore, it’s been all week things that normally make me feel good have had no effect on me. I’m afraid I’ll get worse, and I’m afraid that if I get worse, I’ll hurt myself... it wouldn’t be anything new... I just, don’t want to fall even deeper into this chasm",moderate
dev_pid_1499,I just want to be numb : What I'd give for even just a few hours of numbness right now.,moderate
dev_pid_1500,"feeling lonely and hopeless rn and I just want a hug : I don’t have many friends, I’m not in collage so it’s nearly impossible to meet people, and whenever I get close to somebody they dip when they realize that I’m not going to have sex with them because silly me forgot that I’m an object and not good for anything else. I also realized that I might be trans and I have no one to talk to about it. I can’t even make friends online because my social anxiety is worse online for some reason? I just want to connect to someone and I just want a hug and I miss my old friends and I’m just tired. Thank you for coming to my TED talk",moderate
dev_pid_1501,"i don’t deserve to be depressed : idk how this might come off as. but. i’m only 16, i know to a lot of guys i’m pretty, i have no lack of boys who like me, my family would do anything for me, i have friends who really love me and i go to the best school in the state. i have it so good. and yet i still want to kill myself. 
i’ve lost the ability to feel for years and i’ve gotten so good at faking it to everyone that sometimes i can even convince myself i can feel things. i used to cry a lot because it would make me feel slightly better but now i can’t even force myself to cry. it just feels like there’s this pit in my heart and no matter what i do i can’t fill it. i’m tired constantly and i have to actively keep myself from thinking suicidal thoughts.
i was talking to a friend yesterday since we’re both in year 11 (junior year) about universities and careers. i realised something. no matter what job i do, i know i’ll always be unhappy. i tell everyone that i want to go into law and journalism to help people because i’ve always been a good helpful kid, but once i think about it, i know i’ll hate it. nothing can bring me joy anymore. no profession appeal to me and once i graduate i won’t have a true goal anymore to work towards. do i really want to keep living? 
my parents are the most amazing people and i know they’d put their hands in a fire if it meant it’s good for me, but i don’t know if they can help and if i even want help. they’re frustrated because they know something’s wrong, but they can’t change it. no one can save me. i get more and more drained every day. 
my personality isn’t even mine. i’m one of those people who don’t have a real identity and it completely changes everytime i’m thrusted into a new environment. it’s fake. i’m so sick of seeing myself in the mirror because the only thing staring back out is a shell. i used to be a person but now i can’t even look at a sink without wanting to drown myself in it. that’s why i’m so disgusted whenever someone says they like me. i feel like they only like that personality that isn’t even mine. i’m so emotionally unavailable that i play guys for fun so i would be able to feel something. i’m so disgusted with myself. 
nothing makes me feel happy anymore. i know i can’t say my death won’t affect people because i know there’s people who love me, but i can’t keep being a worthless parasite who sucks every bit of joy from other people’s lives because i can’t feel any of my own.",moderate
dev_pid_1502,Depression makes me feel stupid. Im unable to focus and poor memory. No energy. Is this common? : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1503,Had a bath : I had a bath for the first time in two weeks (I know I’m gross okay I know) and I’m very tired now but I did it. I just really struggle to take care of myself rn. And I don’t want to see my body because I just hate myself.,moderate
dev_pid_1504,"Dead : Dead inside... I can't sleep, can't feel normal...",moderate
dev_pid_1505,"PLEASE consider not using Birth Control! : New-ish to reddit. Saw this sub in my ""communities for you"" box (thanks lol). It's probably because I've been discussing birth control options maybe. 
Ladies, it is VERY VERY **VERY** common for birth control to cause depression and suicidal thoughts. I thought I was *just* depressed for years with no underlying cause. WRONG. 
It's birth control pills, it's your patch, it's your IUD, it's everything. 
1 out of 10 women experience this on birth control, with my friends it was about 6/10 so do that what you will...
If you like your birth control stay on it! But I'm telling you it's a very high possibility. I wasted my early twenties depressed, don't do the same. 
Yes guys hate condoms, my boyfriend hates them so we avoid penetrative sex. It sucks but I'd rather not be depressed. Options are available!",moderate
dev_pid_1506,"My day is the same everyday. : I wake up. Eat breakfest. Go to school. Go home Do nothing for some hours then bed.
It’s little to no change at all. Realy no reason to do anything because it’s the same everyday. I didnt want this. Why cant i be normal. Texting this to the internett that no1 will care about anyway. im just a lonely shy student. i mean nothing.  Im a dissopointment to everyone. 
Please show me the right way to go",moderate
dev_pid_1507,"Treatment with no insurance? : To make a long story short I lost my job 2 months ago (a very good paying job that I enjoyed) and I have progressively gotten worse since then. Ive been in my bed for probably 68 hours of the last 72 hours and maybe have ate 1000 calories in those 3 days. 
I know I should get myself back out there and start working and eating and exercising again but I literally don’t even have the energy to get up and make food so doing anything else literally seems impossible. For god sake the day will be done in a few hours and I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet. I just can’t force myself to be motivated to do ANYTHING. 
I don’t have insurance but I need an affordable way to get prescribed the antidepressants ( I haven’t worked in months so it has to be affordable) at least temporarily until I can get my life back on track. Any advice is appreciated it’s been a rough time lately.",moderate
dev_pid_1508,"in trouble, cannot think or figure out discord due to depression/age : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_1509,"Feeling increasingly on edge.. concerned about my health : Basically I've wasted my life up to this point and am almost 25 still living with my mom. I do a half assed job at my real estate ""job"" and haven't made a dime from it yet ( it's commission based). I don't have a single friend and sit around the house all day when I'm not at the office. I don't like being so self loathing but I'm concerned for my health as it is deteriorating. I can't control the urge to self harm and have started banging my head against the wall on impulse. The depression, OCD, anxiety and other mood disorders I deal with are prohibiting me from living a fulfilling life. It doesn't help that I live somewhere that I hate, and have a hard time connecting with anyone. Just needed to get this off my chest so I don't keep smashing my head. Thanks for reading.",moderate
dev_pid_1510,Any way that I could kill myself without hurting other? : I want to end it. But I don’t want to hurt others,moderate
dev_pid_1511,Improvement : In only like a day or two I have made so much I'm improvement on getting through my depression I have developed a healthy coping mekimensim,moderate
dev_pid_1512,"I have no ambition and I’m scared : I’m taking medication but I just don’t love any of my hobbies anymore. No matter what I do, I can’t love them. The easiest thing to do is watch TV but sometimes that doesn’t even hold my attention. I just sleep all the time now. I want help but I don’t know what to do anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_1513,"i've ruined everything : recently i found out that my gpa has dropped so low because of my stupid fucking depression that i lost more than half my scholarships which made it possible for me to attend university. i feel like shit because going to university and being a good student is all my parents have expected me to do with myself and i failed them once again. and now i don't know if i'll be able to go back next semester. i need to be in school. i need to learn and grow so that i can be a good artist in the future and i've just completely ruined everything for myself. needless to say im devastated and deeply ashamed of what i've done.
i look at the people around me and im jealous of how much simpler things seem to be for them. they can cope with the facts of life so much better than i can it's not fair. but then again, nothing is.
i just want to stop existing completely. i wish i'd never met anyone ever and that it was just me alone in a void free of people who i'll inevitably hurt and disappoint. i hate myself and my pathetic little life so ardently. i dont want to come back from spring break.
i wish i wasnt scared of committing to killing myself",moderate
dev_pid_1514,"I wanna die : I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die
I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die
It’s all that goes through my head. It’s like loud rhythmic engine that doesn’t go off. If my god is truly merciful, then let him kill me so that my family won’t have to deal with my suicide.
Someone please kill me",moderate
dev_pid_1515,"I'm too young to be dead inside : I'm legally disabled because of my depression. I work 4 hours a day, 5 days a week, Monday-Friday. I always try to be friendly and cheerful to everyone at work, but they just couldn't give any less of a shit. They have families and lives to go home to, but for me, I come home at the end of my shift and I do nothing, alone in my shitty apartment. I see my best friends once a week on weekends, usually, but outside of that, I'm in solitary confinement. I don't know how to make friends, and I don't have any money. The only way I know how to be social while being completely alone is by going to a bar, and I know that's good for neither me nor my wallet. I'm only 26 and i feel like i have been lied to my entire life. I was always told that i was guaranteed to be successful, that I was guaranteed to find the love of my life, but that is the cruelest form of torture to feed me comforting lies to make me complacent. I am fucking miserable and I don't know how to get out of it. I just wanna hit the bottle. I'm angry half the time, and depressed the other half. I cannot live like this, and I feel like all I do is complain to my friends about how miserable I am. They can only offer a listening ear for so long before they'll eventually get fed up.",moderate
dev_pid_1516,How do I shake the self harm and thoughts of suicide...? I need help before I do something bad. 😔 : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_1517,I want to die now : Idk how to xplain this but I'm feeling like I have the best life I could wish but I'm still depressed and having no future,moderate
dev_pid_1518,"Today I Tried : First time in a while I felt rested (2 nights of good sleep). I never knew I had so much to say, so much for one person. I hope every post I tried to reply to, I helped someone feel less alone.  I just sorted by new and started reading. Let’s try to make each other feel less alone on our “okay” days. Good night all.",moderate
dev_pid_1519,"Retro-active suffering? : Over the past three years my emotional and mental health have worsened. I’ve struggled with self harm, alchohol and a few other destructive habits. Everyone around me was fine blaming this on a the passing of a close loved one, nice and simple cause. But over the past three years I’ve slowly been suspecting that some of my character flaws and bad habits aren’t as simple as what I initially thought they were. So maybe instead of being lazy/stupid (I still believe those are issues that I’m working very hard on.) maybe it has something to do with the intense spiraling fear I have of confrontation, anxiety, poor, very poor self image. 
Basically it feels like as I’ve had depression/anxiety/trauma/negative behavior patterns explained to me by friends/media/ and cultural osmosis.... I ended up going “huh, that clinical description of anxiety sounds a little familiar in a frightening sense.” I do and feel things that sound insane when I describe them to myself. But at the time I can’t help but feel overwhelmed by these things. I’ll abuse physically and emotionally myself, feel swallowed by panic, fear and intense doubt just by a minor argument, or trying something new that will be good for me. 
I’ve never described myself as someone who struggles with depression as I was growing up. But I realize now that I hurt myself in so many ways not just physically. Is it possible that I’ve always had these mal-adjusted traits and I’m just now learning to express them properly? 
Sorry if this is stupid and rambling. I’m not trying to claim any undeserved attention. I know there are people with much more to struggle with. I am doing better the past few months. I’ve been working hard on my self and where I’m at in life. I just worry sometimes I’ll always have these destructive tendencies inside me.",moderate
dev_pid_1520,"Letting the clock tick by as I do nothing : I’m currently in transition to nee meds. Soooo, I took a difficult course that was advised by several peers not to take because it is challenging. There is a project given two weeks ago and it is due in an hour and I tried to start it since 4 AM today and I couldn’t figure it out. Had a hard time remembering the simplest math rules, too (which I’ve been using for 4+ years). And now I’m just waiting it out. Also, this week has been terrible im general.
So, depression is making me feel stupid and very slow but at this point I don’t even know where depression started and where it ends. I don’t know if I’m just a lazy POS or it’s the chemicals in my head. The thing is, I’m not even stressed about it and I know I should be. No adrenaline kicked in and I just want to sleep.",moderate
dev_pid_1521,I’m new here : Hi..I’m new to this subreddit and I’ve been depressed since 6th grade. I’m in high school now and I’m still depressed as fuck and I can’t find any motivation in myself. I guess I would like to make some friends.,moderate
dev_pid_1522,"Death refusing food/liquids : Im 3 day in. If anyone thinks about dying and thinks he willl never get better i suggest this. Or if failed at anything else. I dont feel thirst or hunger anymore, ill be dead in a week or so. Cheers.",moderate
dev_pid_1523,"Please can someone tell me it's okay to kill myself : I just want one person to tell me it's okay. All i can picture is people who've met me being sad or wondering why. Or talking about it being tragic or something. But no one who could understand. No one who would get that I'd be better off dead. Does no one else feel the pain? How are you supposed to live with it hurting like this every day? It never stops and i just want it to stop.
I believe I'll end up in a better place somehow, or maybe I could come back as like a cow or a dandelion or something. I don't know what happens next but it has to be better than this. The one person who knows how often i feel this way tells me I'm wrong and that suicide can't be the right answer, but what else is there? Death doesn't scare me....but living too much longer does. It's only going to get worse.
And when i get to where it hurts too much, i  just want to get out of it. I want someone to tell me it'll be okay if I make this choice. I didn't ask to be alive. I didn't ask for the pain. I should be able to make it stop without hurting the people I love",moderate
dev_pid_1524,"WHY AM I TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO KILL MYSELF : I fucking hate my life. I hate what I got myself into. I hate the reality that I am in. nobody understands me, not a single person does. Nobody cares. Everyone out there is only in it for themselves. There is no good in this world. There is no hope. There is no point in living when you are an empty shell of a person with no character value. There is no point in trying to learn anything when you aren't good at anything. 
WHY THE FUCK DO I FUCKING EXIST. WHY DIDN'T MY FUCKING MOTHER HAVE AN ABORTION. WHY AM I ALIVE.  WHY AM I TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO END MY LIFE.
I can't fucking stand my reality. I can't stand how everyone in my life is either delusional, or superficial. I just wish I was dead. I wish someone would kill me. I wish someone would just come up behind me and shoot me in my small, stupid, brain and spread all over the floor. I wish I had the FUCKING BALLS TO JUST DO IT. I hate my life. I hate living. I hate this world. I hate the reality. I hate being alone in this world. I hate how nobody cares. 
Someone, please just FUCKING KILL ME!!!",moderate
dev_pid_1525,"I’m just done : Life for me is a constant wave of failure.   Whenever I think things are looking up, disaster strikes.    I’m just so stupid I won’t ever be able to pull myself out, no matter the attitude I put on. 
The state is suing me for $60k, garnishing my pay, I pay child support to a one night stand from over 10 years ago.  I didn’t graduate high school, I got my GED though.  I have a gf who seems to just like me around because I accept her anger in my life.  I smoke, I drink, I’m just another peon at a job.   Nothing I’ve ever done has worked out for me long term, even though I’ve investing 5+ years in some things.   I’ve given up on my dreams.   I live in an apartment with no visible future of improving my living situation.   I have a child due in August but can barely afford to survive.   I compare myself to no one.   I accidentally let my cat, my best friend out and he’s been missing since October.  I face the world with such a positive outlook typically and work so hard but nothing has ever works for me.  here I am, broken, poor, and a monster. I just don’t belong.  
This is barely scratching the surface
I’m ready.  There’s nothing for me in this world.   It’s almost too late. I give myself one, two days tops.  Unless I see a miracle soon, I’m done.    
Can anyone write anything to lift my spirit before it’s too late?",moderate
dev_pid_1526,"I don’t know how to express this... I do know that I don’t like this : The past 2 months it got pretty bad. I was doing worse socially, academically and my mood just took a real dark turn. I was extremely pessimistic and I was starting to turn actively suicidal but it was hard because I live with family. I spent a great handful of those days ready to die, I had a plan ready but I had to learn to drive which was stopping me. Many of those days I just tried to avoid any contact. I just wanted to sulk and die. Since yesterday I’ve started feeling better, my grandparents finally got back from Mexico. Today the counselor talked to me about my drastic change in grades with my dad, they told me if I ever needed help I could talk to them. I denied anything regarding mental health because I still feel like I deserve to die and also because I guess I just don’t have the heart to admit it anyways. I’m back to feeling the usual as far back as I remember. I guess it’s nice hearing people expressing their generosity. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m starting to go desperate to escape all of that, I’d still rather be dead but it’s better.",moderate
dev_pid_1527,eeughh. : i'm at the point where even masturbating makes me depressed. how fucking pathetic can you get,moderate
dev_pid_1528,"I am so alone : I’ve always been kind of an outcast - I was never picked on or anything like that, but I’ve just never had many friends. I’ve always been alone. 
Now I’m 23 and it’s still the same, but almost more painful because I do want to be accepted and have friends and have a boy friend and be social and happy. 
People reach out and I push them away because pretty much everything about me is terrible. I’m a bad friend and I’m boring and people figure that out quickly. 
It’s a lot harder to cope now the few friends I had moved away. Now I’m completely alone. I had the first panic attack I’ve had in years and my depression is so bad every day I hate being alive. And I have no one to talk to about it at all. I don’t even post on social media anymore because I know no one cares. I just want to delete everything, clean my room out, and disappear. I’m tired of existing just to be alone. 
/rant",moderate
dev_pid_1529,"I’m not “free” : I have been suffering from depression for a year now.
Every single day was so painful... but I was getting better lately. day after day, that sense of emptiness was ending. I was finally about to ""break free"".
no
it was not true. I was just deluding myself and I understood it yesterday.
yesterday was too painful for me. I had a void inside me and I had to constantly go to my room to shed a few tears.
now, after what happened yesterday, I have lost hope. i'm not going to be happy. Come to think of it, I do not even have a goal now. it is almost as if you live in a soulless body.
I have always made a huge smile in front of my family, but by now not even that comes out well. all day I have the same expression, with the same eyes. even when everyone is laughing, I remain with the same expression and try to cover my face, to not ruin the joyful atmosphere.",moderate
dev_pid_1530,"Beat to a Pulp : I've always dealt with depression, as far back as I can remember. At least now I can look back and see the signs. But lately life has just been relentlessly tough. I won't mention everything, but the biggest one is my mom having ALS. Can't walk, talk, constantly choking. Knowing her time is very limited. It has crushed me. And when I get at this point, unless I'm at school or work, ALL of my free time is spent laying in bed. I just shut down. I have no friends now, not that I was ever a social butterfly. I'm stuck in this rut, and don't know how to get out. It's a very dark place to be, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Just needed to get it out somewhere. This is no way to live. Something has to change.",moderate
dev_pid_1531,"So quick vent : Feeling really down, family is on vacation with ecetened family and everyone is over 55 yes of age except me I'm 21 (F) my younger cousin is coming tomorrow but he is bringing one of his friends and he never includes me in on anything. Keep in mind I am on vacation in a not so safe area to walk around at night or alone. And in another country, I was asked to bring someone with and I would pay all the expenses but I didnt have anyone to ask... nobody wanted to go. I got here today and realized how perfect the vacation home is and it makes me cry and I have been crying off and on all day because I tried to go into the vacation with an open mind but I just keep feeling left out... not to mention theres really nothing to do here other than relax and I cant do that, i just am too anxious ... tldr upset about being alone",moderate
dev_pid_1532,"I’m a normal 20 year old girl. This is my story of my battle with depression. It’s long, but it would mean the world to me if someone could read it. : I’m just a 20 year old girl, with an amazing family. I have 2 parents who have given me the world, and I am the oldest sibling of 4. I have had a great education all of my life, I went to an awesome university in my town but I had to take a gap year due to my mental health issues. I live on the East Coast, and I have all of the opportunities in the world to live the life I dream of living. I have a therapist, a beautiful house, an absolutely amazing boyfriend, and some close friends. Nowadays though, the life I dream of living consists of these few things: Energy, excitement about my days, and a positive outlook. At this rate, switching my major, finishing college, and moving along in life feels impossible. 
I took a gap year because the lifelong anxiety I had was starting to take a toll. Originally I had just planned to take a semester off because I wanted to go to therapy and then get back to school. I didn’t want to be out for too long because I thought I wouldn’t want to go back. But that was in September. It’s now March, and after having mono for a few months, not being in school, struggling with anxiety, feeling lonely partially because I am not in school and I’m watching all of my peers live the life I had planned for myself, coupled with mental illness, I have developed depression. At first my psychologist didn’t think I was depressed, because the symptoms of mono coincide with depression. Also, some people have a depressive episode when their anxiety is very bad, which mine was. Luckily it’s a bit better now. But the depression has taken the front row seat now, so that rains on my parade pretty badly. I also talked about the fear of becoming depressed a lot, too. But now fast forward, I most certainly have depression. We are aware of this now. 
What I don’t understand about depression, and never did until I was diagnosed, is the feeling of being hopeless and having nothing to live for, like many depressed people talk about. I used to think, “how could you feel hopeless? There are so many beautiful things in this world. There are so many beautiful places, faces, moments, things to look back on and things to look forward to. You have so many talents and so many amazing qualities, and you make people so happy without even realizing it”. But now, I understand. 
I truly understood the hopeless feeling when I started realizing the amounts of mental and physical energy it took for me to perform mental tasks... to even *want* to do them, and have a reason for them. My body feels like a rock that I am lugging around. I feel like I don’t even have the capacity to think like I used to, yet somehow I still have all of the energy to overthink. But my creativity is stifled, I don’t see the world as colorfully as I used to, and it feels like even on the nicest of days the world is still the gray winter we’ve had here for so long. I just **don’t have the energy** for almost anything. And sometimes I will get myself going, but I don’t feel as if I am doing my tasks or feeling things the way I used to. I don’t feel full of life and wonder anymore. Small moments don’t bring me a boatload of joy. I used to pride myself in finding happiness and joy in the little things, but now my surroundings feel dull and it’s always like I’m searching for something bigger. Which I know isn’t the issue here. It’s just my brain. I drove to Philly with a friend about 3 weeks ago on a Saturday just for fun, and I thought the new environment would make all the difference, but it just didn’t. I was definitely filled with more enthusiasm than I usually was, but I could only keep that energy for so long. And once again, I didn’t feel how I used to feel before all of this hit. So, back to my original point. I feel hopeless. Because how am I supposed to get anywhere with this lack of motivation and energy? 
I simply just don’t have the energy or stamina to maintain the activities I need and want to do. I know what’s good for me, what *should* be good for me and making me happy. After all, it used to. But I am always tired in some way. I never feel well rested. I used to be active and energetic but now my body is telling me to lay down, even if it’s bad for my brain. I tell myself I should take care of myself the way a parent would take care of a child. That my body is worth taking care of. But **I am just so sick of FORCING myself to do things. And then not being able to create habits because of the amount of energy it takes. And then feeling totally hopeless.** 
I do not want to “accept” that I’m depressed. I don’t even like saying I’m depressed, and I hate it even more when people say it isn’t curable. How isn’t it curable? I didn’t have it my whole life. Maybe the signs were there subtly, but if I knew about them, I could’ve done something before I hit this barrier. 
My family has done everything for me and I love them so much. I really do. I absolutely love my parents. My mom is so creative, free spirited, stubborn, funny, and on the go. My dad is wise, determined, nurturing, hilarious, and level headed. My siblings all have minds of their own, too. My sister is adventurous and creative like me. My brothers are, well, my brothers. Haha. My grandma is an absolute saint. But a lot of the time, especially recently, it’s hard not to distance myself from my parents when I feel so down. I just feel like the disappointment who is always being watched because of my vulnerable mental state. Everything is always about what I’m not doing, and I know it’s because they care and think me doing things will help, but it’s just not that simple. I get irritable, and this causes tension. I kind of isolate myself from them. Not really, but I just don’t initiate conversation with them. I feel awkward. I’ll fix this but it’s just hard. 
Somehow — I hate admitting this because I never wanted to get to a place where I felt my significant other was one of the biggest sources of my happiness because it’s unhealthy — my boyfriend makes me feel more alive than most things anymore. It won’t be this way forever, but right now it is. Maybe God, or the universe, or whoever, placed him in my life for a reason. He is the most positive, energetic, happy, stress free, level headed, patient, caring, affectionate, hilarious, awesome person I know. This kid reassured me everyday, just because he **feels** like it, of how much he loves me, how I make him the happiest kid in the world, how I brighten his days, how I make him laugh like nobody else, and any other sweet thing you can think of. And to me, they aren’t cliches because I know he means them. He reassured me that he knows who I am outside of this depression. He loves me for me. And he constantly reminds me that he is here with me every step of the way, that he believes in me, and that he will not leave my side. It blows my mind. I don’t understand it, but man is it relieving. I cannot even explain how much I love him. He just **never** gets frustrated with me, and always prioritizes my happiness. He lives an insanely well balanced life, good for him. He has perfect mental health, and I envy it but I’m more so just grateful to have someone like that in my life. Honestly, he’s been a saving grace some days. 
I want to get back in school as soon as possible. I want to know how to build myself back up so that I can have a daily routine, and energy, and be excited. I don’t want to feel like my brain and body are stifled anymore. I want myself back. I struggle so much with feelings of “is this worth it?” Because is it? People would surely miss me, but what about *me*? How am I supposed to live if I feel like everything is a matter of me dragging myself out of a ditch? 
I wish that I could go back in time, and almost just watch my young self from afar. I was so happy go lucky. Spunky. Happy. I wish I could just hold my own hand, and see my smile and take it with me into the future. 
Sometimes I get really scared because I have thoughts about dying. I don’t want to die and I don’t want to commit suicide but what if I become that way to escape the pain? And I go nuts? And I lose my boyfriend and those who matter to me? 
I wouldn’t wish depression upon anyone. If you read to here then thank you. And if you have any advice, I’m dying to hear it. Happy Friday.",moderate
dev_pid_1533,"Lost : I’ve been really lost lately. A lot of hard life experiences happened and i feel like i have been completely drained of any bit of happiness i had.
I’ve let myself get hurt over and over again by someone that i trusted and truly loved and cared for, and i just recently took back control on the situation and cut this person off to try to save myself and heal from everything.
The problem is that at the moment, i feel worse than i did before i cut the person off. I feel empty, unmotivated, i’m exhausted and this feeling of loneliness is becoming oppressive. 
I’m immensely lucky to have one amazing friend that’s been there for me and has been helping me out the most he could, but i’m scared that one day i’ll just be “too much, too sad” which would cause him to leave.
I know that things get better with time, but everything is starting to be too overwhelming and i don’t know what to do and/or how to slowly get back on my feet. I want to be able to find back the happiness and energy that i once had.",moderate
dev_pid_1534,"Every few weeks, I want to kill myself : But then this feeling passes, so I don't.
Then a few weeks later I again want to kill myself, but then this feeling passes, so I don't.
And that's how I've been alive for so many years, when it probably would've been better not to.",moderate
dev_pid_1535,"Maybe its for the best that I don't live anymore : I am almost 40, on disability morbidly obese and can't lose weight no matter how hard I try.   I am almost 40, with nothing but a 500 dollar laptop that my neighbor gave me that is falling apart and only worth around 70 if that. a pair of shoes that are falling apart and hurt when I walk in them. about a dozen worn-out socks and a few shirts and pants all black. mostly sweat pants and two pairs of blue jeans and a worn-out wallet that is falling apart on me. 
I have looked up issues with autism and self diagnosing that I may be borderline autistic as I have some of the same issues in that spectrum. I am just so tired of fighting and so tired of going through life like this barely being able to breath and barely being able to survive and have absolutely nothing to show for it.",moderate
dev_pid_1536,"Depression made me hate art : I used to love art. Everyday, I would spend hours just drawing in my sketchbook. I looked forward to the evenings when I could just sit down and create. I loved trying new compositions, new designs, different color palettes, etc.
 Now, I dread it. I dont care at all. Everytime I try to draw, it just looks boring and uninspired. I dont have the drive to create anything new. All the colors I used to love,just feel so bland. Whenever I look at other people's art for inspiration, I just become envious and angry at myself. I don't want to make anything. It all just seems so pointless. Every pencilstroke is a reminder of how much of a failure I am.",moderate
dev_pid_1537,"Late night depression - ""Am I asking for too much?"" : So here am I, doing my very first post, which I've never expected to do.  
This post may have no dedicated purpose and if it violates any rules, I am sorry and I'd immediately take it down.  
Thought this would be a good place to let go of my struggles and depressive thoughts.
I don't know where to start off. Probably with myself?  
I'm a 22 years old male from Switzerland. Right now it is 3 am here.   
When I was 11/12 I became very heavily depressed and apathic due to a traumatic childhood, but also further traumas throughout my life made it worse. Therapists didn't notice it and prevention of any further psychological damage was quite late.   
I lived a toxic childhood, youth and young adulthood and noticed me being ""different"" when I burned out and everything I bottled up for 18 years just bursted out of me, so I lost my sanity for quite a while and was put down in a mental hospital  
At this point my personality already manifested in a very self destructive way and it was diagnosed as a ""combined personality disorder"". Mental hospitals made my symptoms worse and therapists struggled helping me to an extend where I've been told ""I can't help you."".
I just recently came out of a very toxic and devastating relationship. Where I finally managed to open up to my partner, who was 4 years older than me. Just to be lied and cheated on, which was, according to her, my fault. I used to get very aggressive in response and use that aggression to become a better version of myself, work out more disciplined, study harder, work better.  
But at this point I'm just exhausted. So much that I just stopped caring about anything. Mental pain wasn't easy, but I knew I was alive nonetheless, I always had some shimmer of hope no matter how bad my life was, no matter how many people I've lost and been betrayed by.  
But now I'm here, in the middle of the night not knowing how I feel, I don't know if I feel good, if I feel bad or sad. The voices in my head are gone but at the same time so very empty.  
I feel empty, nothing more, nothing less. Pure darkness so deep you feel like you could fall down and never land on ground again.
I struggle sleeping, because my mind wants to repeat the past and revisit negative feelings/traumas over and over again. I don't just struggle trusting, I'm even paranoid at this point. If a person is nice to me, I immediately expect this person to hurt me at some point. I don't wanna feel alone anymore, I don't wanna **be** alone no more. This is all I've wanted and expected from my partners.
I've met this girl recently. Very friendly, nice, beautiful and she understands me quite well.  
But I see her as a threat, to me, my soul, my shattered heart. Something that could losen my sanity even more. As if she's the next to add more oil to the fire until it becomes an inferno, another crack into the wall until it breaks and falls apart.   
I've never had anyone in my life who was truely by my side. Only people pretending to be.  
But now she's here, offering me help, and I'm here, struggling to take it. This isn't about her, more about something I noticed. I've never been offered an ear like this, it feels like somebody really means it this time because she's been through similar problems and traumas in life. Usually I'd not have to react because I knew it was just a friendly gesture and not really meant to help. More of a noble act to add something more to their superior ego.
Today everything I bottled up the past few days, weeks, months and during my most recent relationship rocked down on my chest and the sadness struck upon me. I felt like I'd go insane and would need somebody by my side, somebody understanding me from deep down their heart and giving me the feeling of not being alone.   
I thought about the offer she made. I said to myself: ""This would be just what I'd need right now"", and was about to accept the offer, tell her that I'd need her right now, that she should come by. But at this point it felt like my hand could not reach her, as if something is stopping me, blocking me, pulling me away.   
The more I wanted to do it, the more I tried to overcome it, the more it got painful, I felt like bones and muscles were breaking and twisting the closer I got to it. An incredible pain of my negative and darker sides, like dark hands pulling me away and whispering ""This isn't what you want, what we want"".  
And I didn't. I've let go of it. Pulled my hand away. And sat down, together with all my negativity just like a meet up, surrounded by my past and all the horrible pain I've been through before. Staring at my wall in pure emptiness.
Thinking about it, I noticed asking for it made me feel selfish, egoistic. Things I've been told in my past repeatedly by people I looked up to, until it got manifested in my mind, that asking for help is something for the weak, that it is egoistic to impose your very own burden on somebody else, to drag and pull down somebody else into your darkness, just because of their bright and shiny light. The reason why I hesitated, struggled and finally gave up on it.
So I'm sitting here, wondering ""Is it okay to ask somebody else for help?"".  
Ofcourse people say it is okay to accept help from a person you love or who is close to you.   
But I also know that people like me, depressed and mentally ill ones, can be hard to handle. We can be complicated and contradictory because of our defense mechanisms. And I'm wondering how much of a pain and burden I could be to someone as soon as I accept the offer of help.   
As if the person is about to get into an oath with me, a bond that letting go of has the condition of me getting hurt and disappointed again. Which I think I can not bear another time, because I'm exhausted.   
At the same time, all I'd need, want and appreciate, is what I always lacked, pure warmth of a person, that I feel is coming out of the heart, that calms me during this chaotic storm called ""Life"".
There's this one particular thought that is bugging me, every single day, the past few years.  
Something I always ask myself when I found myself deep down in my dark hole, isolated and distanced from every human being. And it is louder than ever right now, echoing inside my empty shell.
**""Am I asking for too much?""**",moderate
dev_pid_1538,"Afraid I'm going to relapse sh please chat me up keep me busy : Some jackass i trusted as a friend took advantage of me being blacked out drunk after bringing me more and more alcohol despite my saying i only wanted 2 drinks. I was a fucking idiot and trusted this person as my now boyfriend, who he was friends with would be home after his shift at work anyway. Just goes to show you cant trust fucking anyone. He thought we were a thing because we hung out and instantly took them as dates. Hes trying to get someone to steal back a shitty game he gave me a long time ago despite the piece of shit stealing my controller. Fuck him. I hate him so much. Im going to fucking sell his piece of shit game at a shitty gamestop good riddance i hate to see it at all and i hate that they reminded me its still in my house. I offered this game back many maNY times before blocking him and his oartners in crime across all platforms. I was happy to have him off my mind lately but my friend warned me just today that hes trying ti get his shitty virtual toy back . I dont wanna ruin my good streak and start cutting because of some piece of shit asshole. Please. Please please someone just get my mind off of it...anyone",moderate
dev_pid_1539,"Fuck this : I’m so over it. The irritability and anger control issues, the lack of motivation, the sadness, the hopeless feeling, not enjoying things you used to love.....and not enough money to go to the doctor and get back on meds. 
Also, I didn’t know crying so hard could make you almost throw up. 
I’m so over it, you guys. It’s such bullshit. It’s so unfair. I just want to feel good again. I just want my mental health issues to go away. I can’t even remember the last time I wasn’t depressed. It’s been years. Am I going to be this way forever and I just need to learn how to cope? Fuck me.",moderate
dev_pid_1540,"Kill me : Hey I want to die 
I have no will go live 
I just can’t bring my self to end it 
I don’t have anyone or anything 
I pray I don’t wake up again 
Bye boys I’m deleting all social media including Reddit",moderate
dev_pid_1541,"You have you ever been so depressed that you actually start having physical pain? : It's another one of those nights where I'm so lonely and depressed. Thinking about all the things that could've been and should've been. Thinking about the things in the past, the things now and the future. All coming together to make agonizing pain in my chest. This soul crushing pain that won't go away and is always there, even when I'm in a good mood I can feel it. I want to ask for help but I can't do that without feeling like a bother. I hope your night is going well and thank you for reading this.",moderate
dev_pid_1542,"Automatic Thoughts : “I suck and I want to die” is a common phrase for me. Many times a day.
It’s automatic.
I hate myself.",moderate
dev_pid_1543,"Pregnant and lonely : I’m not sure why I’m posting here, as I don’t do much on reddit and I’m not sure anyone will even see this. But I’m currently 7 months pregnant and struggling with depression. I was taking medication before I got pregnant but stopped it when I found out. I live with the baby’s father who was my boyfriend for almost 4 years before I got pregnant. 
I say “was” because he and I are no longer together because of my struggle with depression. He told me I ruined this pregnancy for him and ruined his life because of how I’ve been feeling. He told me this should be a happy and exciting time, that I should be positive and not depressed. This only adds to my guilt and shame. 
I struggle to get out of bed most days but I do go to work. When I come home I am met with silence and hostility. I usually end up going to bed before 7pm so I don’t have to think about anything or face the fact that I am truly alone. We moved out of state shortly before getting pregnant so I have nobody besides him. 
I’m so lonely, I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this. Every day I wish it was all over. 
I just don’t want to feel so alone anymore. I need a friend or someone to talk to.",moderate
dev_pid_1544,At an all time low : Not sure this is the place but I keep having these thoughts of not being enough my dad has a favorite and it's obviously not me he cares so much for her takes her where ever she needs while I've missed 13 interviews cause he's busy helping her (I'm not an adult and don't have my license she's 26 married has a car and she still rather my dad go with her) it feels like life is playing a never ending joke on me to see how bad it can make my life I'm insecure about my body I'm 5'1 and 160 for the new year I worked out a hour a day 6 days a week for a month and a half and saw no results putting me at an all time low Everytime I'm around my family I get mad cause I feel like they're all judging my body I hate the feeling of being bigger than boys my family has tons of problems my mom's cheating on my dad for the second time and all I can do is watch. has anyone ever felt like there's ice in there ribs or heart or chest area? I get that when I'm depressed not sure if it's normal. I can't think of a reason to keep trying a friend of mine has had depression for almost their whole life they only really talk about it with me I'm not the best person to help with emotional problems I suck at talking to be dealing with other emotions isn't something I'm good at. in my family we usually try to distract each other when were sad. say a funny joke talking about a whole other topic but my friend she hates that she says she feels like I'm ignoring her she says she feels like when I need to vent she's always there. Which she is but she's much better at this than me I've been called a lot and of course I understand when you're depressed and mad and anxious words come out of your mouth that you don't mean and you say sorry you were too into your emotions but it happens so often. I've offers ideas for her depression CBD oil flax seed oil a anti depressant her uncle took (it helped him get over his depression) but she says they're all too little to help. sometimes it just feels like I'm a punching bag for her I'd just love for something to go right in my life. I don't have depression so it's not like I'm sad a lot I do get happy but even when I'm happy it doesn't mean I can't think about my life and just have the life sucked out of me not sure this is where you vent but there's my guts on the table thanks for reading If you did,moderate
dev_pid_1545,"Piece of a song I wrote.. : Fuck it, I'm so sick of this shit
I'm done holding on, not gettin' through this
The blades on the counter, So this is it
I'm finally lettin' go, slittin' my wrists 
Away from the world, I'm finally at peace 
Over at last, theres no more pain
No more pretending everythings okay
So sick of the lies, sick of deceit 
I've got nothing to lose, accepting defeat
No reason to stay, just wasting space 
Can't change my mind, I'm leaving this place
I'm closing my eyes for the last time
As I lie on this floor, My arms open wide 
Waiting on deaths sweet embrace 
Goodbye world, to hell with this place",moderate
dev_pid_1546,"I need some help/advice : 
So guys I just feel like I have no talents. just laying out there, I see all these people around me who have these amazing talents, and they glorify God. However idk what mine are!! Like what am I supposed to do, the only thing that I can do that most people can’t do is type fast...
Yeah seriously....
156wpm...
Great talent...
I’ve been searching for so long",moderate
dev_pid_1547,"I honestly would rather feel worthless than forgettable at this point. : I’d rather just feel like I have nothing to offer. That would at least explain why people keep forgetting about me and abandoning me like I never existed to them. It’s so unbelievably frustrating to feel like you have so many feelings to express, so much love to give to someone, but to still just end up left behind like a meaningless waste of time.",moderate
dev_pid_1548,"[Trigger Warning] I’m having an episode? : I haven’t felt this way in so long but the thoughts came back today, and I want to *literally slit my wrists into fucking shreds*. I always think the thoughts are truly gone and then sporadic episodes like these make me so disappointed in myself. I feel like a complete waste of space and wallow in self-pity and sad songs for a few hours until the trigger dies. Ironically I was just talking about how I felt better, and while I don’t *have* depression anymore it still hides in corners and tiptoes and jump-scares me when I least expect it. I want to cut all the time but i don’t have any blades and the urge isn’t so strong that I need to (thank Sol)",moderate
dev_pid_1549,"Depressed over the most trivial/stereotypical of things. : I have absolutely no motivation to live, to work, to function day to day. This is probably a story that everyone on here has heard a million times over. But frankly, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at the point in my life where I have to determine what to do with my life. What career to pursue, what path to walk down with my life
But honestly? I have no passions. I have no interests. I have nothing I want to do. And honestly, I'm afraid of work. That sounds stupid I know. But it terrifies me. What if the job has a terrible work-life balance? Or maybe its a job with no room for progression, or maybe it's just boring. I've sat around for two years doing virtually nothing with my life while ""pursuing"" an associates degree. I barely passed any classes 
Lets not forget that I have absolutely no support system. Ever since high school i have no friends, no real anything. I just don't see the point. No friends, No future, No life. It might sound trivial, but I don't see a point of this life when I live in a consistent state of fear, anger, depression. Hell, the other day when I was driving I thought about just driving into an oncoming lane, because it'd be so much easier. 
Reading this back over it sounds so ridiculous. So trivial. But, it's not like I have anyone else to vent to. So go ahead, tell me how much of an idiot I am. I'm used to it.",moderate
dev_pid_1550,"I know exactly what I need to do to improve my situation but I’m too depressed to do it : My life is currently in a downward spiral. I can see the steps I’d need to take to improve my situation, but I’m too tired to do any of it. It’s gotten to the point where I’m so apathetic that I won’t take tiny steps to help myself. I recently just let a deadline pass that would’ve helped me out because... I don’t know. I just don’t care even though I do. It’s like I’m watching my life happen around me. I’m too tired/don’t care enough to be an active participant even though I feel invested in the outcome. I don’t want to die or my life to fall apart but I don’t know how I can do another 20 years of this, let alone 40 or 50.
I don’t even know for sure if this is depression or if it’s something else because I don’t have access to healthcare. I feel like I need medication to begin to get myself to a point where I can start helping myself, but I don’t see that happening any time soon. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.",moderate
dev_pid_1551,"I have a bad crush, and it triggered a heavy downward spiral. : I spiraled down hard today, and seeing as I don't really have anyone to talk to, I'm going to post this here and hope it helps. Here goes.
It's about a girl, mostly. Well, to back up just a bit, it's important to note that I have severe, persistent, medication resistant depression. I've tried a handful of meds, and not only did they not even begin to help, but they all had side-effects ranging from uncomfortable to severe. I started taking CBD oil, and that has actually helped a ton. I'm not saying there isn't a med that will work for me, but I haven't found it yet. I've suffered from depression and anxiety my entire life. I'm currently on disability because of my conditions. So there's just a little background for ya.
3 months ago, I started a program to become certified in a job in the healthcare field. It's taken me a long time to get to this point. I quit my job, broke up with my girlfriend, and moved back in with my parents about 5 and a half years ago. I decided I needed real help and that I needed to go back to school. I've been going to school very slowly and gradually built up to being able to handle a real work load. 
This past fall I was accepted into a program. The program completion is about 2 years away. On the first day of the program, I met this girl. She was stunning. I'm not going to give a ton of identifying detail in this post, but needless to say that I was immediately attracted to her. Of course, I thought about asking her out, but, being the depressed person that I am, I immediately thought that she's out of my league. I also thought about the fact that if it doesn't go well, we will be stuck in the same classes, day in and day out, for the next 2 years. I guess I was afraid that it would be unprofessional or awkward.
Two weeks go by before we see each other again and classes actually start. On the first day of class, she sat next to me and almost immediately teases me. Now I'm like, ""great. She's beautiful and witty. This sucks."" Over the next few days I come to find out that she is *very* intelligent, as well. She's kind; she's fit; she's an athlete; she has a smile that makes me weak. It's honestly hard to look directly at her. This is a bit of a ramble. The point is that I developed a huge crush on her. And it hasn't gone away. I thought perhaps that it'd be an infatuation that would fade over time, but instead I find myself thinking about her constantly.
I'm typically an indecisive, hesitant person, in general. The idea of asking this girl out, though, was just too enormous. *What if she rejects me? What if we go out on one or two dates and then she rejects me? What if we actually date for a decent amount of time but then we break up and we're stuck in this program together? I don't want things to be awkward. I don't want the rumors and the drama and the appearance of unprofessional behavior. I don't want the distraction from this very difficult program. When would I even find the time to attempt such a relationship?* There were just too many variables.
After a while, though, those questions and concerns seemed to matter less and less. They were still there, but I started to come around to the idea that I needed to do something. I couldn't just have this crush and be in agony. I needed to act. I decided I would invite her out to hang out as friends, and if things went well, I would ask her out. Not a bad idea, right? I would look for signals and see if we have a real connection outside of school.
I saw her today at school. She came in and sat by me and another classmate, for no reason. She really just came in to hang out with us.  She's done this several times, and this is part of the reason that I think there might be something there. *But is she coming in to see me or my classmate? Or am I overthinking this? I'm probably overthinking this.* 
We were working together for a few hours, but she says she has to stop real quick and let her friend in to the building. She mentions it's a ""him."" I immediately thought, *oh no. She's going to bring in some tall, broad, stud of a smoke-show, and she's going to show me what her type really is.*
I'm a skinny guy. I'm fit. I play sports. I have some decent muscle tone on my chest and abdomen, but I'm skinny. I don't have big arms. I'm about 5'11"" (she's actually about the same height as me. She's quite tall), but I'm not super tall. I weigh about 152. I'm a skinny guy. It's something that has always bothered me about myself.
So anyway, in walks this tall, broad, stud of a smoke-show. Fuck. My mind immediately went to a dark place. 
This guy *is her type. I don't know why I ever thought* I *would be her type. She's tall and beautiful. She doesn't want to be with some scrawny guy that isn't even taller than her. Look at this fuckin guy. He's a fuckin linebacker. Of course he is. Oh awesome. Hey what's up buddy? You're also being super charming and funny? Cool. Cool cool cool cool coooool. Fuuuck. What was I even thinking?* 
I finished up what I was doing and got the hell out of there. I didn't say bye. I just snuck out. I then proceeded to kick my own ass all the way home. I've never been so disgusted with myself. I won't go into my exact thinking, but it was some dark stuff, and it was a long drive home.
When I got home, I immediately crawled into bed. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't get on the internet; I couldn't watch a movie; I couldn't sleep; I couldn't eat; I couldn't read a book; I was in depression purgatory. I basically stayed in bed from the time I got home until I eventually forced myself to eat, and now I'm here.
I'm just so very down. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I have very few friends, and I don't think I can talk to any of them about this. I'm alone.",moderate
dev_pid_1552,"Lonely and Empty Inside : Hi guys, it's my first time posting here or really talking about myself at all, as I'm not an open person. I'm a 25-year-old male who has never had a girlfriend, has social anxiety, depression, etc. How cliche.
I moved from a small town in which I had lived my whole life to a big city a while ago, and while nervousness is to be expected, it's been two years now and it's only gotten worse. I go to work, come home, do nothing, sleep (but not very well), and repeat. I purposefully avoid social situations, and while I am an introvert, I wish I was more outgoing.
I overthink everything, yet have somehow managed to bottle every emotion I once had deep inside, to the point where I feel nothing most of the time, except anxiety. I hardly ever know the date because weeks and sometimes months go by like nothing. I hardly ever live in the moment when I'm out of the house, I'm always zoning out, etc. When I'm at home, I usually don't do anything, even things I used to enjoy.
I wouldn't say my depression is major at the moment, but a lot of people in my family do have major depression and I don't want to see myself going down that route. I keep thinking if I go to a therapist I'll just be laughed at and I'm wasting their time because my problems aren't that bad, and as a result, I keep sinking deeper into what seems like a bottomless pit.
Sorry for the fucking paragraph, but I guess a few questions I have for people here: does going to a therapist really help? I really have no one I can talk to about my feelings because I only have one friend, and he's not the person I'd talk to about that (and I hardly ever see him).
Also, do antidepressants actually work? I'm admittedly very stubborn and won't even take OTC pain medication unless something is really bad.",moderate
dev_pid_1553,"I’m probably going to end it all... at one point or another. : Idk if anybody will read this but recently I’ve been in as state of perpetual melancholy. I’ve reflected on my life, my memories, my past in general. I miss when I was a kid before I was bullied. I miss being happy and looking up to my mom thinking she was the most beautiful woman I’ve seen. I miss seeing her close the door behind her as she left the room knowing that I am loved. It doesn’t feel the same anymore, my relationship with her has deteriorated and every time I try to love her it’s like she does something that makes me cut myself and I try to push her away and away. I miss how I was able to see myself being happy forever. I’m popular now so I don’t get bullied and I’m attractive so I’m not called ugly anymore or get clowned at school. I have lots of “friends” (people I talk to daily but are more like close acquaintances) but I feel extremely lonely. The more time passes and I reflect on how I may have had depression for a very long time and suppressed it for so many years, possibly a decade if it’s possible to start feeling that way at 7. I don’t want to live anymore when most of my life has been filled with pain and redundancy. I tell myself “you’re never enough” but at this point it’s like a voice in my head that’s not mine but is also my own thoughts at the same time. If I weren’t alive anymore I wouldn’t feel and I wouldn’t have to suffer any longer. No more late nights crying in bed. No more cutting my forearms. No more waiting for the blood to clot so I don’t get blood all over my bed. No more of that sting that I feel when I take a shower and reminds me of the pain I go though on a daily basis. I would just be gone. I would finally be free and possibly even happy.",moderate
dev_pid_1554,"Depression has made me good in some ways, but bad in others. : A bit of context: I am a Mexican-Spanish kid, who left Mexico in 2007 to go live in Spain. Those of you old enough might remember that during that time there was this flu, sorta like the COVID-19 But that originated in Mexico.
Obviously, being in the early stages of school kids bullied me and treated me like scum because of this and I ended up alone.
The years passed and I always was the “weird kid who nobody wanted to talk to” and I ended up falling down into a deep depression that lasted 10 years, from 9 years old to 19. 
Now comes the good part, depression made me resilient, it made me able to overcome bad situations fast and always look at the positive things in life and this is very very good. I’ve also matured a lot faster than the regular person would; I had to, it was either maturing or ending up badly hurt and misunderstood. I am 21 now, but I feel like my maturity is years ahead of anyone my age, and this has given me an advantage in most areas. 
Obviously, depression also left me with scars, scars that I’m sure everyone reading this little block of text shares with me, and I want all of you to know that you should never be ashamed of those scars; wear them with pride because they are symbols of courage and strength. I’m not talking about bodily scars, I’m talking about the fear of abandonment that I feel when I start a relationship with someone, the constant feeling of being annoying that sometimes leads to loosing people, I’m talking about that ringing in the back of your head that makes you always think people don’t like you. This are things that we can all work on, and they make us who we are.
The whole point of this is to let y’all know that we should always look at the positive output in life. Even if the darkest times there will always be a little hope. 
Every single one of you guys is a fighter, someone who can and will achieve anything. Keep pushing, keep driving forward and things WILL get better.
Random ass Spaniard.",moderate
dev_pid_1555,"My current depression : I’m a 27 year old married man.  I’ve been unemployed for 3 months now.  I’ve been stuck in the worst depression of my life with no motivation to find a job or source of education to move on to.  My depression has ebbed and flowed since my teen years, but I’ve never felt as beaten up and worthless as I do this time.  My wife and I love each other, but we haven't been intimate for 5 months now.  I can't look her in the eyes without seeing how useless of a husband and provider I've been.  I graduated university several years ago with a good-for-nothing Bachelor’s degree and I have worked in dead-end jobs with low wages ever since.  I still don’t know what I want to do for a career.  I have no formal education or relevant work experience to get a fulfilling job with good pay.  I’ve always been passionate about books, movies, tv shows, video games, and sports, but I can’t find any enjoyment from them anymore.  I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in years, so I spend all day being half asleep.  I can’t get anything productive done or participate in activities with others since I feel like I’m not playing with a full deck of cards.  I spend every day lying around feeling hopeless.  I’ve done some minor exercise which helps slightly.  I’ve been losing weight (which is good as I was overweight) mainly due to my diet as I have no appetite anymore.  For the first time, I’ve scheduled an appointment with a therapist which isn’t for another 1.5 months as that was the soonest available time slot.  Even with that on the horizon (assuming it helps me), I still find it difficult to deal with the fact that my current reality will have to exist until then.  I don’t know what else to do.  The list of things I need to get done keeps getting bigger as more life is sapped out of me.  I’m functioning each day with a sliver of the energy, motivation, brain power, and happiness that I know I’m capable of.  The past few months has gone by quicker than I ever thought possible with nothing to show from me.  I’ve been a burden to my wife, I’ve been lying to family/friends about my unemployment out of embarrassment, and every waking moment feels like torture.  I can’t see myself getting back into a regular day job, but I can’t keep burning through my savings either.  I see no bright path for me going forward or any way to attain happiness in life.  Depression is so overwhelmingly complex that I know I barely scratched the surface of my problems above, but at least this is something I can say I did today.",moderate
dev_pid_1556,"I can’t do it anymore. : I’m just a teenager but I’m miserable. I love this girl but I get way too nervous whenever I’m about to make a move we’re dating and I care about her so much but honestly I’m so fucking paranoid all the time. Every little thing gets to me nowadays and I have family troubles at home. No one truly gives a fuck about me. Maybe my girlfriend does but sometimes I feel like I love her more than she loves me.
I want to end it so bad, I have a terrible feeling in my stomach every day of emptiness and sadness. If it weren’t for her I’d have killed myself by now. My friends ik wont care if anything happened to me they’d  move on after a day or two. I’m positive that if I leave this earth no one will give a shit after my funeral. Just another number to add to the list.
I hate living I hate everything about myself I have nothing to keep me going really at all I just wanna die. There’s just one problem tho and it’s that I can’t do it. I don’t have access to any guns, and everything else is too painful and I’d never have the guts to do it any other way. All I’d have to do with a gun is just pull the trigger which I’m sure wouldn’t be easy either but at least it’s quick and I could end my suffering.
I pray everyday for things to start turning around and I work hard in school and sports but nothing ever seems to work I want to die. I want to die and I want it so fucking bad.",moderate
dev_pid_1557,"It’s what I deserve : Just upset and have no where else to get these thoughts out of my head. I’m being destructive to myself but I’m safe and I’m physically okay. Just want to mentally hurt myself is all :) 
I’m nothing. And I’m no one, and I’m alone and those around me don’t really love me. How could they? I’m a parasite. I’m nothing. My value in other people’s lives doesn’t exist, the world would continue on without me and I’m an innconvience. And that’s okay because I deserve to be pained this way.",moderate
dev_pid_1558,"it always gets better, okay? say it out loud, it always gets better. : after reaching my deepest point i wasn’t even consciously suicidal, i just lost the will to live and if my family didn’t force me to go to the Emergency room then who knows what i would’ve done. i honestly don’t know. i was even in denial about how bad i was but today i just had my first interview and within thirty minutes of leaving, i get a call back saying i got the job (have to do a background check first but ik theres nothing bad in there💀) thank God they don’t drug test lmao. 
anyway, i didn’t come her to gloat, i just want to yall to know that no matter how unbelievable it may seem to get better, it still will get better. ofc theres the few who slip through the cracks and sadly go unnoticed. 
ofc i was put on zoloft and welbutrin which was the hand that pulled me up from rock bottom. at first i wasn’t sure if what i was feeling was me? i had been someplace else for the past six years. i would have dreams about me in my room and i’m pounding and screamjnf and i can tell my mom is on the other side but no one ever came to help me in my dream. i would feel the want, as terrifying as it is to hear my door open it’s also a relief because someone came to me. i had been closed off emotionally for SIX years and i forgot who i was. it was so bad that i couldn’t tell reality apart from shit that happened in my dreams. some fuxking Inception shit right here. turns out my mom, two sisters, and i we’re all victims of emotional abuse. my father is a narcissist. no wonder i could never answer people when they asked me why i was sad. the problem was right in front of me and i saw the damage he was doing. i wrote down this realization? i had in my notes before going to sleep. i’ll copy n paste “realizations
it’s like we’re a family of birds who have such strong, beautiful wings but the daddy bird clips our wings so we can’t fly and tells us it’s to keep us safe. naturally we believe it because daddy bird knows best, right? 
absolutely fuckjnf not lol” for the first time in SO LONG i can think and be independent. he had manipulated us from the start and no one else saw it but my mom. my father even convinced me that my mom was crazy and that her whole family is “kookie” when he was the one with a fucked up family. his father killed my grandma because of how stressful her life was with him. i like to think that God saw that she was stuck and her only escape was to join him. i’m like “fuck can i come too?” but that’s A BAD THOUGHT OKAY?! NOT OKAY ! yeah if anyone has questions i’ll elaborate but i need to finish typing this so i can make my vegetarian spaghetti SINCE THEY PUT REAL GROUND BEEF IN THE SAUCE but it’s fine whatever cool cool i’ll make my own sketty. 
IN CONCLUSION, i got my first interview AND job. small victories. always open up to those you know you can trust. i know deep down everyone has one but the head noise tells you otherwise. i’m happy, as simple as that. 
and i’m starting to fuck with my narc of a dad so he can get a taste of his own medicine. make HIM feel like the one losing his mind FOR ONCE. i didn’t just jump to hating him (hate isn’t even the right word, it’s bad to HATE OKAY! DONT HAVE HATE IN YOUR HEART) i mourned the loss of my father or at least who i thought he was. 
thanks for coming to my ted talk 
i refuse to check for typos or poor grammar so suck a dick if it bothers you idc",moderate
dev_pid_1559,"Reached another low point. : After 3 months of being depressed and help from friends, family, doctors I managed to crawl out of my hole. I started a program to become a CNA and after 2 months of training and practice I finished all the classes and clinicals hours. My classmates were also very helpful and were of great assistance.Today is the last day before my state exam and I lost my wallet with all the required information needed. Tomorrow is the test and I am still shocked because something so important that I needed is now gone. I feel so fucked up inside now and my body is still shacking and trembling while I'm making phone calls to cancel my cards. I feel my self feeling hopeless because I tried so hard and now I'm chained down again. -sigh-",moderate
dev_pid_1560,"nothing in my life has meaning : I can’t do anything in my life to make it better. Especially when I come home from school and the antidepressants wear off, late at night when the house is quiet and I’m alone with me and my thoughts, I truly want to die. My friends aren’t interesting anymore, if anything they’re a bother, having to fix their schedules and my parents schedule so I don’t make either of them upset, along with trying to juggle my own sanity. My friends see me as outgoing, but right now all I want to do is cry here and forget everything. The only thing stopping me from going to the cabinet right now and taking too many pills is the thought of my friends waking up and seeing me dead on the couch, without any idea of what happened. I’m so fake it kills me that I can be so happy and yet so depressed. I hate myself so much. I don’t even care anymore honestly, I can’t open up to anyone as they always shut me down, especially my one friend, who constantly complains about football, his girlfriend, grades, anything and everything to try and get attention. You’re the reason I’m at the brink of suicide, I hope you know that I hate you. You threw my wallet in the street and told me to go get it and didn’t give a damn. You’re the person I hope learns that just because you’re brother is nice and smart, doesn’t mean you are. Honestly I suck at fucking everything, nothing ever works out, no one cares. Ever. I’m trying to help everyone with their problems, and all I get is a spit in the face, me being accused of trying to get with your girlfriend, and a drunk FaceTime of you blaming me for our project. I hate you, you deserve nothing. I hope you know that me and you can both go burn in hell.",moderate
dev_pid_1561,"Does it get any lower? : Recently divorced, can’t find a place so living with family, dating is horrid, have always struggled with depression, plus much more. I’m really at the lowest I’ve ever been. Thoughts of ending it stop because I see my kids face. The meds that work almost killed me. Sitting here close to my son, fighting back tears as I type this.",moderate
dev_pid_1562,"I’m so tired of being sad. : My job told me my performance was getting terrible, and I eventually broke down in front of my boss and told them I struggle with depression. My depression has been so bad lately and it has started to interfere with work, so I understand why they had to talk to me.
I just hate I can’t live a normal life. I try so hard to focus and concentrate but sometimes my brain won’t let me. I’m in therapy now and on medication so I’m hoping to be better soon, I just wish I didn’t have to disclose this to my job. I wanted to pretend to be normal but every day it was getting harder to do so. I didn’t want to seem like I wasn’t trying, because I really was. My boss was understanding and offered to help in anyway they can, but I can’t help but worry that now they view me as a weak employee and will somehow want to fire me. I’m trying my hardest to be okay and it’s so hard. I wish other people could truly understand what it’s like to deal with all of this inside your own head. 
Don’t really know why I’m writing this, I just feel so weak and embarrassed to have had to explain this at my job. I guess I’m just overwhelmed that my secret is out. I really hope I can bounce back better than I ever have before.",moderate
dev_pid_1563,"Tired : My mental health is destroyed the person I was. 
I used to be driven, responsible, proactive. Now I am a mess. My GPA has fallen significantly since this all began. I can’t concentrate, I have no will to do anything, food tastes like shit. 
Half the time, I can’t tell if I am being lazy or if this is my mental health. 
I stopped seeing my counselor, the shit didn’t help and it was too hard for me to try to describe this. What even is this. How do I describe this in a way that anyone would truly understand. 
My parents think this is just a phase. I wish that this was just a phase. I’m so goddamn tired of watching myself give up on a future, but so tired of trying at all. 
I keep having panic attacks that make it impossible to sleep. And that feeling. It’s like the world is just squeezing in on you, just everything is just too much, that maybe living is too much and dying is the way out. 
I’m too pussy to kill myself. I wish I wasn’t. I’m so tired of living. I’m so tired of acting like I’m trying to get better when in truth, I’ve given up. I’m so tired",moderate
dev_pid_1564,"Writing and depression : Hi everyone.
I've been feeling like total shit because I can't write anything. I'm a writer and I can't write.
I've been having this problem for a long time.
I think it stems from a fear of inadequacy. I don't know how to get past it. 
I honestly have this self hatred, vomity feeling. I feel broken and useless. I just wanted someone to confide in. 
I feel like I will never accomplish anything due to depression and anxiety.",moderate
dev_pid_1565,"Why do I think I'm so great? : I believe that I am capable of anything, so I am disappointed when I fail to achieve.
I don't know where this post is going, but I'm not going to stop it. I think that I should be the best. I should be the best at my job, I should be the best father, I should be the best friend, coworker, boyfriend, husband, driver, ... I don't know the bounds of that list.
I don't know how to accept myself. I don't know that I'm worth anything. I know that I can't know - me the pretentious dickhead. Why aren't I better? I should be capable. Why aren't I achieving these lofty dreams of fortune amassed so high I could end world hunger, improve quality of life, improve my quality of life, lay around doing nothing but playing video games and getting high. Yeah, that's probably where I should be.
I need some ambition. I need to work hard. I have to be an innovator in my field. Don't I want the big house, gourmet kitchen, hot wife, trips to Fiji, exploring different cultures, and really enjoy life? It's not possible to enjoy life without money. All I would know is pain. All I would know is suffering. How can I appreciate the life around me if that life doesn't have all the things I want?
I'm probably an asshole. I can definitely be a jerk. I don't want to be. But I'm selfish. The disconnect is unbearable. I hate that my actions don't match my ideals. Oh, I've tried it all. Taking notes, being present, reasoning, the whole nine. I fail. Then I hate myself for not achieving the ideal. For not being a decent human. No, I'm less than human. I should lay in a ditch and move toward death.
But I won't. Not unless you come get me. I'm here, where I've always been.",moderate
dev_pid_1566,"I feel like I'm 90 years old and I'm only 24. : 24, Male here... I've lived the past 15 years of my life experiencing nothing but sadness, anguish, misery, loneliness, rejection, and so much more... I honestly don't even envision myself living past 30 or even getting there. As if I'm 90 and I've got that ""Not sure I have many years left"" ideal in my head. Is this a normal feeling? I just want to feel happy, I just want that feeling of solace. I live everyday with optimism and put my best foot forward to make my dreams and visions possible. I'm the pilot here, I understand that... I genuinely want to be happy, I genuinely to find something special in this world...  But I'm a pilot without proper training and am steering dark in the middle of a storm.  ...After years and years of failure, I don't even know why I try anymore. My first attempt was at 14 years old and since I was 9 every day has been exactly the same. I just feel like I've peaked. I feel so old and so weak.",moderate
dev_pid_1567,"Feel something : There was a time when my depression would stir emotions like fire to destroy myself, to die, and to get to that edge of breathing to just feel something. But now, I am so removed from that because I have gone so far past emotion into the depth of no feeling. I could look in a mirror and slit my throat without even losing eye contact. There is no more safety valve, no barrier in which to pause at, to even blink at, not a ripple. That is, I suppose one would say scary, but I don’t have any fear anymore. 
I put forth an act all around me, all see a jovial being of strength and confidence, and yet, it is all an act. There is nothing genuine in anything I do, no spark, no hope or light to see, no color or vibrancy. I am simply a machine, running a program of code. Nothing more. I have no connection to any being, although all would think they do to me, but I am just a shade, an apparition, a ghost but never more. Soon, their will be a glitch, and series of commands will be initiated 
...end program ...",moderate
dev_pid_1568,"Numb : I feel so numb, emotion seems to have escaped me. Pain doesnt even bother me. I just wish I could be normal",moderate
dev_pid_1569,"Depression headache and excessive tiredness with out being able to sleep restfully : Hey,  40 something M here... I’ve been experiencing the worst headaches which feel like a heavy tightness in the fore of my brain.  
I feel that a truly restful sleep would help, but whenever I shut my eyes I feel that i slip into a deeper anxious and depressed state.  It makes naps and early morning waking a fraught experience.
I’m taking 25mg of Seroquel for sleep.  I haven’t had much success with ADs.  I’d self medicated with cannabis, but that was making my anxiety worse.  
The current state is due to losing my job of 18 years, so it’s kind of situational but I’ve had mental health issues for 15 years.  I am usually just anxious. After long periods of anxiety my state usually turns to depression.
I find exercise like yoga and cold water swimming help.
Just so over the headache!
How do you guys deal with a constant headache?
So over it.",moderate
dev_pid_1570,"I'm tired. : I'm 30 years old and I'm tired. Tired of working a dead end, passionless job. Tired of seeing the degree I never got to use. Tired of still loving the man I dated for 4.5 who decided to end things without warning a year ago. Tired of remembering all the abuse he put on me the last 6 months of the relationship. Tired of trying to take the next steps into a career I desperately want to pursue but being hindered by my low paying job (see previous mention of ""passionless job""). Tired of putting myself out there and being turned down. Tired of, ""Oh I'm not into Asian guys"". Tired of being attracted to men who have no interest in me. Tired of being in the background. Tired of going through the same mental and emotional checks to keep myself just barely alfoat when it comes to my depression. Tired of the news.
Needless to say I'm tired. I don't see hope for my life, quite frankly. Just always going to be forgotten, poor, and settling.",moderate
dev_pid_1571,"When does this end? : Can’t move from the bed 
Can’t shower
Can’t do anything
Want to die",moderate
dev_pid_1572,"I dont even know... : I'm a male in my mid 20s, i cant seem to hold any job longer than a few months or weeks. I live on my own and have litterley less than 40$ in my bank and have borrowed thousands from my family just to pay for rent and survive. I feel like i need to run away from it all or end it all. I have absolutely no idea what i want to do whith my life. I can never focus with my education or work and get bored and my depression kicks in as soon as the rush of starting something new fades away. I never post anything on the internet and im a very quiet person thats completely closed off from the world around me. People always tell me im intelligent but i see my self as a complete idiot and i have no friends. I latch onto drugs(mostly weed),alcohol and nicotine to make some kind of a emotional connection atleast with my self. I'm  hate the fact that iv never been in a intimate relationship and feel completely unesential. Iv had a few drinks and thats the only reason im able to talk about this. I sleep 12+hrs a day and can never sleep at nights. I dont know what to do. Sorry but i needed to let this out. Im feeling pretty woozy because of the drinks iv had myself(oh and i can never clean up after myself) but yeah im going to post this and try to sleep. 
Good night 😔",moderate
dev_pid_1573,"I'm becoming aware of why I'll be alone forever. : I don't know why it suddenly hit me last night. Maybe it's because I was petting my cat and looking around my appartment realizing after hes gone, I'll be 100% alone in this room.
But I've realized why all my relationships end with me being cheated on. It's because when I'm at work or on a date I'm that class clown, charismatic, hard working guy. But the second I get home I look as dead on the outside as I feel on the inside. Being fun to talk too is very exhausting and it drains every ounce of life out of me.
I've been asked why I'm still single, I always say ""because I can only be fun for so long"" and I believe this is the fundamental flaw in all my relationships. Someone falls in love with the happy charming version of me. And I am very open about my depression, but I don't think people understand what it means when I say I can't be happy for longer than 8 hours.
Every relationship I've been in results in a good beginning. But after they see what I really am, they try and help, and I insist ""it'll pass, please be patient. I'm sorry this happens."" But I either get cheated on or taken advantage of THEN cheated on. 
I want to love someone. But I'm fundamentally unlovable for long periods of time.",moderate
dev_pid_1574,"Is depression a single issue or related to another issue? : Anyone ever find your depression was bc of what you eat? I personally think there is a link between gut health and mental health but thats besides the point. My real question is whether any buddy could tell me if antidepressants or antianxiety meds will help me enjoy life again... the last 5 or so years i just have zero interest in daily life ie) family, friends and hobbies i uses to love. Im hesitant to jump the gun and get prescribed these meds being the majority of my family are on them. My mom, brother, sister are bipolar which i dont think i am but i may have some kind of depression disorder. Ive done diet changes ie cutting out lactose and gluten for periods of time and had some success at one point for about 2 weeks lol. My symptoms are gi problems, fatigue all day, brain fog, and suicidal thoughts. Id never do it bc i dont want mt family to hurt but for whatever reason every time do anything i feel is akward i say out loud ""i need to kill myself"". Kinda a habitual thing now... so anybody got any suggestions? Did these meds help you with these things?",moderate
dev_pid_1575,"when people ask me how i feel, i usually say im doing fine : You know when you say something over and over and over and over and over again until it doesn't feel real anymore?
I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself. I wish I felt better about myself.",moderate
dev_pid_1576,"Coming to an end :  No one really really understand until I am gone! Does my life actually mean something. What was I even put on this earth for? To suffer???? Because that is what I have been doing. Since I was 12 I have felt like shit. 18 and I feel even worse. I could never fit in with anyone and still can’t. All I do now is sit in my room 24/7 no job, can’t drive, no friends just waiting for this all to be over. Certain death does not really frighten me anymore. I am getting more and more comfortable. It helps knowing that there IS a way out of all this shit. Just don’t know when is the right time. I know one day I will really crack and I will be prepared for it. I am surrounded by fake people who don’t care. And I’m tired of it. I don’t even cry anymore when I write these. I am used to it and feel calm. I just want to make sure when I do decide to end this. I want certain people to know how much they meant to me and the rest to know how much I hated them deep deep down.",moderate
dev_pid_1577,"I feel like I shouldn't be depressed? :       For about the last 4 or so years, I have slipped in and out of depression. It kind of started midway through high school, about the time I was starting to think about college. I have two older siblings, one, my brother, 4 years older, the other, my sister, 3 years older. Around the end of my sophomore year, my brother sat down with me in my room and we hung out, and he told me about how he kind of got depressed in High School, and that he didnt want the same to happen to me. It hit me really hard, and I tried, but i couldn't stop it. Winter of junior year was probably the hardest, as it was the most I ever thought about suicide -- went to a bridge over a frozen river and sat on the edge for a while thinking about whether anyone would give a shit.
      Around the same time, my sister was being very hard on me, and to me it just felt like she didnt believe in my ability to make it to college, and that she though she was so much better. This ended up persisting for a long time, getting worse, to the point where I didnt really talk to her if I didnt have to. It peaked on a vacation, when I was upset. I slammed a car door, and my dad yelled at me, so I yelled back. Then my sister said ""what the hell is your problem"" and I shouted back, ""your the LAST fucking person I want to talk to."" Some weeks later she texted me, and we talked it over, she made up, but didnt seem to make any progress. Now we are still in a similar situation, where i find it very hard to forgive her. At this point I dont know if I'm depressed from family shit or high school shit, but I always feel like I have no one to talk to about it.
     I have a loop I go through with myself where I get depressed, dont want to talk about it, think about acting out/hinting at it to people to get them to pry it from me. Then I think ""no, you're just begging for attention"" and dont do anything, and suppress it. I know it isnt healthy, but I cant kick myself out of that pattern. My girlfriend of 3 years tries to help me by being there, but I shut her out, because I dont know how to explain how i feel. I dont know if I'm asking for help, or just writing this to try to get it out, but there. Thanks.
TL;DR:
I'm depressed, but I always feel like if I try to talk to ppl about it, I'm just seeking attention, so I dont.",moderate
dev_pid_1578,"I feel like I can't get anything out. :       For about the last 4 or so years, I have slipped in and out of depression. It kind of started midway through high school, about the time I was starting to think about college. I have two older siblings, one, my brother, 4 years older, the other, my sister, 3 years older. Around the end of my sophomore year, my brother sat down with me in my room and we hung out, and he told me about how he kind of got depressed in High School, and that he didnt want the same to happen to me. It hit me really hard, and I tried, but i couldn't stop it. Winter of junior year was probably the hardest, as it was the most I ever thought about suicide -- went to a bridge over a frozen river and sat on the edge for a while thinking about whether anyone would give a shit.
I'm depressed, but I always feel like if I try to talk to ppl about it, I'm just seeking attention, so I dont.",moderate
dev_pid_1579,"I want to lock myself in my room for the next week : The title. I can't function normally, I always get judged because i try to say something but it never comes off the way I mean it, and then get defensive over it. My roommates (I'm 19 in college) and some of my other ""friends"" make fun of me for being on the spectrum not realizing I actually am (aspergers). The only reason I haven't killed myself is the way I'm treated is so fucking inconsistent day to day. Some days everyone is telling me how funny I am (when I try to be not the punching bag kind of funny) and other days everyone laughs at me for not functioning normally.
I'm considering locking myself in my room for the next week, just playing video games, eating random instant cook meals I have on me like ramen and poptarts, doing homework, and repeating, while subtlety nudging everyone who tries to enter my room to talk to me to leave me alone.
I know this is incredibly unhealthy but I honestly haven't tried to take care of myself for the past couple weeks.",moderate
dev_pid_1580,"How do you know when you're depressed? : I've been through a decent amount growing up. Whether it's family, personal, relationship, and financial problems. I'm a 19 year old female. I don't know if its just phases. My friends and coworkers say it seems like I'm depressed, because I say depressing things. I tell them I'm not and that I'm joking. But I think ""Am I?"" How I feel daily is.... I feel suffocated. Or empty inside. I get stressed. I subconsciously overwork. I have a terrible sleep schedule. I thought I was over my ex, I heard he got a new girlfriend and I was bothered by it, I guess I'm not over him and it hurts. I'm disinterested in school and my future. I do the bare minimum. I've want to socialize but I get tired from it afterwards, but empty when no one is available. I'm insecure about my physical appearance. Dating apps broke me down, I've gotten used and hurt. When decent guys who care like me, I feel this immense amount of guilt because I don't feel the same way. These are just.. Some things about myself. I felt as though they're normal things that teens  go through. But I keep doubting myself. I don't know if I'm happy. I don't think I am. I don't know who to go to. I feel as though I'm self destructive. Sometimes I truly wish I could just sleep forever. I hate thinking nowadays. I need help, please.",moderate
dev_pid_1581,"Wanted to jump into traffic earlier : Wish I could wake up with a new life, body, voice, location, memory sometimes you know? Be a whole different person - take a gamble that it would be better than I am now or maybe nothing would happen at all and it would just be blank.
I was walking home and thought about this. I think about it often really, but this time I stopped walking and stared at cars passing by just picturing it in my head. Take a few running steps forward and just take the hit.
I would never want to go out that way, especially considering how unreliable it would be but also think of the danger for other people's sake. Really screw up the driver's day or even life. What if there are kids in the car? I was more concerned about the people in the theoretical car than for myself. At that point I started to walk again. Still on my mind though",moderate
dev_pid_1582,"[23 F] Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and die : I know I'm a bad person. I tell myself I'm not, but deep down I know I am. Sometimes I just want to end it all, but I can't do that to my brother or my dad. Sometimes i want to drink everything away. To go away somewhere far where no one knows me and be alone. 
It's lies after lies in my family, and I truly feel I'm losing my sanity. Then there's the manipulation, threats, blackmails. I'm just starting to see how truly dysfunctional my family is. The most recent trauma happened back in January and I know I'm suffering from PTSD. Another thing to my already debilitating depression. I just dont know what to do anymore. I'm not suicidal, but I just don't want to be *here* anymore. It's just too much and I don't know what to do.",moderate
dev_pid_1583,"ever look for a specific reason to kill yourself? : like I tell myself I'll only do it if X thing happens but I secretly want it to happen so I can just be dead and people will feel sad and I won't have to do exhausting life shit anymore
i hate my job. I hate myself. I'm a garbage human being. If I have to go in tomorrow and my boss starts in on me about my attitude or something I will quit on the spot.   
if I were dead this shit would be a lot easier",moderate
dev_pid_1584,"If I could start off completely fresh and clean : Would I become happy? No one, even my family won’t know me at all, and maybe I could change and really start fresh. I’m just rotting in my own past, my thoughts, and whatever I should be doing right now. 
I feel lazy. I’m smelly and I’ve slept over 14hours yet tired. Ive got coursework piled up that I should finish by Sunday but I didn’t even start anything today. Fuck myself. I hate my negativity and laziness.",moderate
dev_pid_1585,"Is there any hope to get better? : For the past few years or so, I’ve been extremely depressed, but this has taken on a life of its own in recent months. In October, I developed chronic pelvic pain syndrome and for the past month I’ve been suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome. I hate my life and just want to end it. I wish I had hope that one day I’ll feel better again and that my body will work the way it’s supposed to again.",moderate
dev_pid_1586,The urge to self harm just overcame me : I just relapse self harmed and I feel like a fucking idiot. I’m literally just a fucking waste of space.,moderate
dev_pid_1587,"When to accept your dream is not going to come true. How do you make new ones, when It’s all you ever wanted. : Hello I’m a 38 year old guy. That is struggling through life. I have came to the conclusion that none of my dreams are going to come true, due to my mental health, social awkwardness, and now my age. I have recently quit a very good paying job that I didn’t hate. Gave/ thrown away most of my things. Then moved into an 8x12 garden shed out in the woods. I spend half of my day trying to figure out what is wrong with me. The other half wishing I had the grit to kill my self.
I grew up extremely isolated. My parents got divorced when I was 2. I grew up on a farm 5 miles from a small town. With my dad and older brother. My dad has some trust and paranoia issues. So other people were not welcome at our home. Our whole world was the three of us and the farm. When I was 13-14 my brother ran away. A few months later my dad moved out. After the state found out they placed me with my mom. She lived in an apartment in a city with my two half brothers. I acted out and spent the rest of my teenage years in and out of juvenile placements. As a young adult I used/sold/made drugs. In and out of jail finally spending my early and mid twenties in prison. Since then I have a few legal issues but not to big of a deal.
My dream has always been to find a wife to make a home/family with. As time has gone on I have changed  it has changed a little the past few years I’ve been looking for a woman with children. I would really like to be involved raising kids I’m very intelligent and have countless skills. That I would like to be able to pass on.
Over the years I have dated a few women. Also had two long term relationships. One was woman was very violent and controlling. The other person was a thief, dishonest, unfaithful and no help with anything. She didn’t have a job for all 5 years. She left me a year ago for a man that beats her, has no car no job and lives at his brothers house. She gave her kids to her mom to raise.
I have no problem getting or keeping a job, I have been in a financial position to buy a home a few times,but never have. I’m miserable in an empty house. It feels like jail/prison sometimes worse.
In the last year I have dated 4 women, three of them stole from me. The other one didn’t want to see me again cause I wouldn’t have sex with her.
I give up, the harder I try the worse it gets. Why can’t I just blast this hottie and be done? Obviously I’m not capable of achieving my dreams. I can’t get the thought out of my head of what it would do to my parents. I can’t wait for them to die, so I can.",moderate
dev_pid_1588,How do I get cancer? : I want to die but I cant kms cause its too scary. living an emotionless life without being able to feel be horny be happy and feel bad for things is not a good life. and I know it will never go away because (not trying to overthink myself) my brain is better developed than the average person so I know I will be stuck with this for the rest of my shitty poor ass lazy unimportant boring life,moderate
dev_pid_1589,"I feel like I gave up my entire life away to people who don't even appreciate or respect me. : I know it's unfair to blame someone for how my life went down and its wrong for me to do something nice with expectations of gratitude in return, but I just feel so frustrated.
I gave up my dreams so my sister can go to college. It's disgusting to say, but I wasn't the one who decided to have a kid I couldn't take care of... I don't regret supporting my sister and I love my nephew to death, but I'm just really tired of being pulled into arguments, being forced to comply with her schedule all the time, and not being appreciated for anything I do.
I'm tired lol and I wish I didn't feel this way about it.",moderate
dev_pid_1590,"Just felt a little peace that we are in this together. : No matter what it is rejection, betrayal, failure, death, isolation ,severe anxiety, mental illness or even a tiny problem like not being able to lose your virginity you gotta realise that there are people here who are going through the exact same thing as you. 
Try to imagine to share the moment with them and you will realise a very big truth about the world that it’s not that big and we are actually not that complicated. We get hurt by the same shit and the same shit has happened to a lot of people. People you should talk to and listen to and  try to help each other out. 
I have one of the rarest mental illness and when i went out to find comfort i met a ton of people with the same problem. In my own bubble i thought i was the only one with this and i am the unluckiest guy in the world to only have to go through this. I found people and i also found solution. Solutions that helped me tremendously and comfort that made me smile in a months. 
Break your dark bubble guys and put effort into finding things about your problem and people going through similar things. This way you can work as a group to find answers and help each other out in the time of need. It’s time to talk and find solutions my people life’s running out it’s better to die fighting than succumbing.",moderate
dev_pid_1591,"Hate how I look : Theres just nothing here anymore. I hate how I look. If I ever have a 'better' day , it usually gets ruined by me seeing how I actually look. 
I'm 20m and look 14 or 15. And not even attractive at all. I'm playing life on extreme difficulty. I swear man like 99% of people look much better then me. 
I think how different my life could be if I had looked different. It's more then just confidence , personality , etc.. tons of attractive ppl have that too lmao .
Then I got tons of mnetal illnesses too. I hate complaining , mainly the looks factor just fucks with me. I look so different then how I actually am
 I'm ashamed to be alive too , so many better people then myself.",moderate
dev_pid_1592,"I haven't felt like myself for the past two months and I hate it : Prepare for a long read potentially. I need to get it out somehow I suppose. 
But the past two months I have felt like a completely different person. One of my extremely close friends that I game with online made a new friend that he plays with a lot more than me. And he started excluding me from the group and not inviting me. So I would start asking him if I could play, trying to insert myself into the games to have fun. And he said that I was being pushy and taking away game time from his other friends... 
That's when I told him that I felt like I was being placed on the backburner and that it made me feel really shitty. Like I wasn't good enough to be included. And he told me I was overreacting. But he continued to always jump to play with his new friends. I felt like I was always hassling him when I asked to play something. 
Eventually I brought up all of my feelings/insecurities about the situation again. I also mentioned how he would respond to messages from the new friends in our chat, but ignore mine. I pointed out that I can see that I was being ignored, and that it made me feel once again, shitty. Like I wasn't good enough even though I try so hard to be a good inclusive friend... After this final chat, he got very defensive and said that he didn't have to justify who he messages (which I do understand) and that he gravitates towards the new people because I always seem too needy. 
So I decided it would be best to give myself space and cut off all contact with him for the past month. And it has destroyed me. The whole process, everything that he said that made me feel so little and uncared for. I opened up to him about how I struggled with self-esteem and depression and that that probably contributed to why I felt like crap when he didn't include me. His response was that he didn't have the ""mental capacity to worry how his actions made me feel"".... And I was thinking.. Well most friends generally care if they upset their friends. Intentional or not...  So that's why I decided I needed a break from it all. 
Anyway, through all of it so far.. I have just felt like absolute trash. Idk why.. I just try so hard and put 100% into my friendships, am always there for my friends when they need me to vent or talk.. And I just expected the same. And I got treated like my problems weren't important. The first week that I didn't chat with him, I literally was nauseous 24/7.. Couldn't eat.. And lost 10 pounds in a week. It wasn't until this week that I finally started feeling a minuscule fragment of peace... but it always fades. And I fall right back into thinking of everything that happened.. And how I'm just not valued as a friend or person. And that kills me inside. I've always struggled with confidence, depression, and self-esteem.. And it just builds and builds. 
He text me this week randomly and just said something like ""hope you're doin fine. Miss playin with ya"". Super short. And part of me does miss my friend. And want this sadness to end and just be friends again. But at the same time, I feel like he just doesn't value me as a true friend and the cycle would repeat. I lose either way. 
I've lost a brother-like friend in the past and in did the same thing to me. I take things extremely personal and my brain just ingrains the negative experiences in my mind.. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I've started eating again and gained the weight back. But I don't feel like myself. I'm not actually happy at all. I fake it when I do interact with others. But in my mind, I'm jsut telling myself over and over that I'm a piece of shit that can't even keep his friends... All because of this experience. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this post.. I'm just really emotional right now and would just love to chat I suppose. Life sucks. And I hate that I can't just make my brain be normal and not care as much. But I can't. I'm a prisoner in my own mind.",moderate
dev_pid_1593,"No one knows how bad I am doing : I don't want to disappoint anyone. I'm just not capable of getting better at this point, I think. I have been sick for so long and made so little progress.  
I lie to people in my life about how I'm doing a lot and am starting to regret it. They want me to be more active and start working towards a healthier life, and all I can think is ""fuck, I just wanna die...""  
In fact today I saw my doctor and lied my ass off, then I went home and cried... lol... why should I tell anyone the truth though? No one cares unless you want to kill yourself... and why would I tell anyone about that? It's just inviting them to stop me and throw me in a mental hospital.   
I'm so sick of living lol. Wish I had both the motive and means to end it all. But I don't. I'm stuck here, at least for now. I'll never get better or have a normal life.  
And that is my pathetic pity post of the week. I hope you all enjoyed. Lol I am so fucking worthless",moderate
dev_pid_1594,Anxiety about death : I love having anxiety at 3:30 in the morning because I think about death and realize nothing matters and everything will just go black one day.,moderate
dev_pid_1595,"I am going to write book : Since I was in grade 6 I've been depressed. I'm now in grade 8 and things are only getting worse. I'm shit at everything I do, except 1 thing I believe I am actually good at. And that's writing.
 As a kid I would always love to read and write. But I want to make an impact. I dont care if its unoriginal. I want to send a message to parents that depression is an illness. You cant ""feel"" depressed. You can feel sad, but that's different. Depression isnt something you can make go away by hanging out with some friends or winning in a sport. 
Calling a child ungrateful because they are depressed is the equivalent to calling someone with autism dumb. It's not ok, its fucking terrible. You say this with someone else listening you'll get your shit kicked in. You call a child ungrateful because they are depressed but parents will agree. This shouldn't be acceptable. 
I want people to know that depression is an issue. The school system is fucked. Work is terrible. I dont care how stupid I sound, but I want to start a movement. I want to tell the world that things need to change. The school system puts too much pressure on kids to do things. Parents will punish you for not being able go do things. 
And so maybe you think ""it's only like that because the real world with jobs and work is hard."" Well that doesnt make it any better. Theres tons of things we could do to make it better. Give a day off once a month that doesnt count towards your normal days off for mental health. Give more flexible hours. Make ""I'm not feeling great"" a valid reason to not work. People are killing themselves because nobody does anything. They feel alone. Nobody pays attention to it. I want to change that. And call me crazy but I think I have the writing skills to do it. Maybe I cant cure depression but I have a dream to make it easier to cope with.",moderate
dev_pid_1596,"This is hell : I'm in hell, disguised as life. Its not the cartoonish hell people imagine and most people would probably think i'm being dramatic. Hell need not be obvious, the little torments add up. Day after day, year after year, they wear you down. 
But this specially tailored hell has no escape. The desire to end it is there, but the ability to carry it out is not. No matter what I do or how desperate I am, something binds me here. 
That is the real hell. Being trapped. Having no escape. I used to tell myself if it ever got bad enough, I could die. But deep down I know thats not true. I'll never do it because I can't. That is part of the hell. Stuck at least for the next 40 or so years, probably forever. 
Just enough ability to feel joy now and again to keep me from going numb to it all. Just enough anxiety to keep me from showing it. If i were satan, this would be the hell I craft.",moderate
dev_pid_1597,"Just late night rambles : I feel a bit stuck in life. I feel like control is slipping away from me, or maybe I've never had any control. I just feel deeply disappointed in myself for what my life is currently, but empathetic enough to understand it really could not have turned out much different. I've got a lot going against me in life in terms of circumstance. I wasn't born into a life where I could thrive and creating my own environment where I can has been largely trial and error with a lot of it not sticking. I feel like every choice I make is the wrong one, every wish I dream is unattainable, but I keep trying and I keep failing and floating farther from what it is I imagine my life could be. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I could have learned these things. I wish I had support and knowledge from those around me... but I'm just floating and suffering and looking for aid but I am all I've got and I'm ill equipped.",moderate
dev_pid_1598,"I dont know if im depressed : First off, id like to apologise for how unorganized this is. 
I dont even know what more to say because my mindset atm is ""why do i bother, no one cares anyway. youre probably just going through a dumb phase"" but ive been feeling extremely down since like 6th grade (im a freshman now.) I keep on telling myself that i have no reason to be sad. I've told my parents about how i get stressed for no reason at all, or i get stressed and i forget what i was stressing about, which makes me even more stressed. all they said was, ""lets pray then"" and ""its just your personality, i was like this too"" and it makes me even more sad that my parents dont realize that i need help. but also i wonder to myself, do i really need help or am i just overreacting. I over think so much and it stresses me out. the overthinking eventually leads me to the conclusion that no one wants me around and that im a burden to everyone in my life. whenever i reach out for help and someone tries offer help i just refuse and say that theyre wrong. like whenever someone tells me that i no one will love me because i havent loved myself first i get so mad because i dont know what to do about not loving myself. I do feel happy sometimes, but very soon, that feeling is gone.
 Ive made a great friend this year and i hang out with her friends, but i havent been able to get very close to them. this friend also goes through way worse and i dont even know how she keeps such a happy attitude, and it makes me think to myself that i am so pathetic. ive also been struggling with my sexuality and my family is homophobic, because of religion. im also very introverted and am too scared to talk to people; everyone intimidates me. Im very scared to talk to an adult about this like someone at school because i just dont want to say how im feeling and be told that i have no reason to feel that way, when i already know that. i just dont want to exist anymore, like i dont want to commit suicide, i just dont want to live.
what im trying to say is that i dont think i have a reason to feel depressed because i have a great life and yet here i am posting this long unorganized rant on the depression subreddit. theres no one to blame but myself.",moderate
dev_pid_1599,I’m not saying I want to die I just don’t care if I do anymore : I haven’t cared for a while but wasn’t always truly not caring. Now I’m at the point we’re i truly 100% couldn’t care less if I lived of died. I have no idea what I’m doing with life anymore or why I’m doing the things I’m doing. For a long time I was In a very dark place. A place beyond crippling depression. Almost like feeling like your crazy but aware of it and there’s nothing you can do to fix it. In that time in my life I didn’t have a single person that genuinely cared about me. Even my parents took every chance they could to make it worse. They knew what I was going though and would tell me they know even though I denied it then they’d just start saying to worse possible things to me to just complete crush my confidence and will to live. It’s almost like they were trying to push me to go completely insane with the things they’d say. They would do things then when I brought it up they’d pretend it never happened and tell me there must be something wrong with my brain because my reality doesn’t match there. All that was a few years ago and it got a little better for a little but it still messes with my head a lot now. I went through years with that having nobody care about me and having my parent treat me the way they did. Plus I was doing a bunch of hard drugs during that time like that long prescription pain pills and Xanax and worst of all smoking a lot of k2. After so log of not being cared about when I went of and started hanging out with friends I just couldn’t feel that they or anyone else really cared about me. Even know I know I have people in my life that care about me I just can’t feel it. Even if they make is it obvious they care I can’t feel it. After so many years of not feeling any real actual love from anyone it’s like if completely lost the ability to feel love. Now all On my way! Feel is sadness and anger. It takes a lot of me to get angry but when I do I just go nuts and start doing and saying this that I shouldn’t and I always regret it in the end.  I know my friend care about me because they show me all the time but I just can’t feel it. It’s theworst  fucking thing ever. It’s like a curse. My dad use to beat me a little when I was younger. It wasn’t really anything too bad but it was beyond a regular beating. Anyway I’m not bringing that up to complain about that too cuz no I don’t care about that I was really young and it doesn’t really affect me. I bring it up because I would rather go though those beatings every day that constantly go though this mental torment. I just hope somehow someway something come into my life that makes me feel loved or gives me my will to live. I wouldn’t commitsuicide  but idk I Just can’t handle this too much longer. After years of having theses peoples and just suppressing them I feel like I actually starting to go schizophrenic. I know nobody is gonna be able to really held so I don’t even know why I’m posting is people are just gonna give the same old generic  “we love you” comments I guess I just thought to vent on here for a try.,moderate
dev_pid_1600,I’m wasting my life : I wake up do nothing productive even though I have things to do the fact that I need to put so much effort makes me avoid them. Also I don’t have any interest other than watching dramas and even dramas get boring so I turn some drama on and read webtoon on my phone. Another day was wasted and I feel useless. I feel like I need to die.,moderate
dev_pid_1601,"Fantasising about getting help but not taking any chances : I know the title makes no sense, whatever. 
I’m having a horrible time, I don’t see myself alive by the end of this year if I’m being honest. I’m feeling like complete shit. All I do is lay in bed and cry and procrastinate. I always have butterflies in my stomach no matter what I do or where I go, sometimes it’s bad enough to make me vomit. 
During math two weeks ago I was on the verge of breaking down. We were doing a test but I couldn’t remember anything on it either so I just sat there avoiding handing in. I kept thinking that if I just chose to hand it in after class I could leave so I wouldn’t have to be there when he looks through it. All that did was bring more attention to me though because I was the only one who still hadn’t finished it. Teacher knew something was up and told me to stay after class and I just told him I was a little stressed. 
I regret it so much, that was my chance to get help and all I did was fuck up again. 
I feel so dumb",moderate
dev_pid_1602,"Nothing has been the same since meg. : I had my first serious girlfriend in 2018, her name was meg. While I’d like to think it was her fault (and that’s what I’ve told people) it really wasn’t. These past few months it’s been hard to realise that I was controlling and too much for her and that’s why she went off with someone else. I came to realise because I’m too much for everyone, I went out with a few friends yesterday to play football/ soccer. One of the guys their when I said “can I have a shot” asked if I was getting loud? Then punched me quite a few times in the face. I’m done with this shit man I don’t know what it is that I do that makes people think I’m cocky or annoying but I’ve tried everything to change it. I’m done with this life, peace out.",moderate
dev_pid_1603,"What do you do when you struggle to, just, get dressed ? : You know, these days (or weeks) when the 'normal stuff', like taking a shower, getting dressed, or eating, are so complicated and overwhelming, how do you deal with it ? 
You know, when it feels like the world is a big ocean and suddenly you don't know how to swim",moderate
dev_pid_1604,"I was getting better till I was not : So in the last few months my life was improving a bit, I went back to gym, started to study and to like myself again, but everything went downhill when I meet a girl in a coffe shop. I was sitting with some of my friends and one of them pointed out this girl is looking at my general direction, so after 1 hour of my friends encouraging me and pushing me to speak with her(she was still looking and glimpsing at me) I did, I tried my best but I stuttered and was nervous but she seemed interested and tried her best continue the conversation, then she offered me to sit and we spoke for 2h tell her friends came. she introduced me to them and I think they liked me. In the end everyone was leaving and I didn't have the courage to get her contact information. Later on that day and the day after it, I was hating my self cuz I could have done better. So after that interaction I started hating my self again cuz i fucked up with only girl who seemed interested me in 6 years . I went in deep depression for a full week not even leaving for the uni. I live alone in a foreign country my family are in a different continent and they don't even believe in depression or any mental illnesses. So reddit is the only  place I can express my self. 
And sorry for the my broken English",moderate
dev_pid_1605,"5 am : I've isolated myself for almost a year. Literally not even working. I'm fortunate enough to have a family and SO who support me financially. I'm at the cusp. I don't know what this all means. I'm so down that I fell in love with someone who can't be there. His wife is pregnant, and it's high risk.  
How do I get out of this? How do I feel better?
Why is my brain against me?
Why can't I get better?",moderate
dev_pid_1606,I wish nobody cared about me : I feel like it takes too much energy just to stay alive. I don't want to live but people care about me. I know I should be grateful that I'm not alone. But I just want somebody to give me a reason to end it. They saw my cries for help. They tell me they care. They even show me they care. I just don't want it anymore. I know things can get better but I'm tired of trying. I was doing so well. But I don't want to do well anymore because it's too much effort. I self-harmed for the first time in almost a year. It didn't make me feel better but it didn't make me feel worse.   I mean nothing to myself. The only thing I care about is my mom and my sister. I love them so much and don't want to hurt them. But I wish they would just hate me. I want them to hate me so I have no reason to stay.,moderate
dev_pid_1607,"How do you guys work up the energy to clean? : So my depression makes it extremely difficult to do things that I even enjoy like playing video games for example, getting out of bed is a huge task in it of itself and my room has slowly been getting worse and worse in cleanliness, and now its too the point where it is negatively affecting my mental state, and I really want to clean it but everytime I think about doing it, it seems like am impossible insurmountable task.
So do you guys have any advice for this?",moderate
dev_pid_1608,"Im ok with being depressed. I have found my self being depressed and lonely for most of my life and it's become a part of me. A big part. - my depressing life story : I think it started back in middle school(grade 5) when I moved countries and came to north America. I was seen as an outsider by the other kids and targeted as a easy victim of playground bullying. I learned from it and even managed to start playing at lunch time with the same kids that bullied me by the time middle school came into its final year(grade 7). After this I would enter highschool and out of fear I befriended as many people as i could when i first joined. After grade 8 in highschool i would move to another highschool in a different city(and then again). In highschool i started sleeping 12 hours a day, i would sit on my phone in the washroom for an hour or more, i would take showers and baths for more than an hour. Basically I had turned myself off and with my family being as stressed as they were with their finances I became the emotional punching bag at home. Any frustration in our house would basically result in me getting an earfull(sometimes for 3-4 hours of me gettting yelled at and yes its me getting yelled at when 95% of the conversation is not me). Being emotionally turned off was extremely painful because i was a teenager trying to look for his place in the world and hoping for someone to take notice in me and give a fuck about me. As a result i began to be extremely closed off and would feel lonely no matter where i was or how many people were around me. After highschool we moved from canada to the states and life hit that reset button another time. It would be a good year of not having any friendships before i started college. And even with college i felt disadvantaged as all the other students had their own cars and wore much nicer clothes than i did(the yezees had just came out and i was the only one in the group without a pair). At this point i starting realizing that i was not necessarily privileged and that my parents had tried their best to keep me from that reality. The depression had caught up with my education as it always did and I was basically a moving peice of meat. I was completely absent in my mind and had latched on to smoking weed on a daily basis to make everything numb so i wouldnt feel the pain and i could ignore my own thoughts. Obviously this is not a good state for a student and i got kicked out of college with a gpa of 0.4...yes 0.4. I decided to move back to canada on my own and well its been a year and iv been through hell and back. I was abused right and left by employers. I couldn't even hold a job at McDonalds or at a grocery store. I worked in construction in the rain, the snow, the blaring sun and wind. I keep going through job after job and can never mange to get a rhythm that other adults seem to get into seamlessly. I borrowed thousands from my family just in the course of the past year and as of right now i dont even have enough credit to buy a decent meal let alone pay my rent. I feel like im hurting myself and everyone around me because im not emotionally stable enough to care for my self. Oooh and did i mention i have no friends or social life because well if i go out to grab a drink i cant even afford that. I think twice before buying a $2.50 bus ticket. I feel completely hopeless and lost. Im not necessarily suicidal but iv been suicidal many times before and thats probably the only reason I wont allow myself to be suicidal(basically i can see that road and i see it as a roundabout). I want to give up however. I want to run away from it all. I need someone to fucking grab me and fucking hug me and never fucking let go. I need to fucking feel like im fucking alive. I need to fucking feel like i can fucking be loved by someone who's not fucking biologically told to fucking love me. I cant fucking make myself happy. I cant fucking make anyone else happy. I dont know what the fuck to do. 
Someone please talk to me 
Ask me about my life
Give a fuck about me
Im fucking scared",moderate
dev_pid_1609,"Exercise and healthy eating does nothing for me. : Being a psychology student, I've had it drilled into me that exercise and a healthy diet has been proven to promote good mental health and aid in the management/recovery of depression and anxiety. This isn't an ignorant assumption, this is a proven fact.
Except it's never worked for me and I truly feel that my depression is resistant on every level. 
I used to like sports........you know before I grew boobs and started sweating more than the average person due to polycystic ovaries. And even when I disliked exercise, I tried so so hard to get into jogging and more sports, for about 2 years. I hated nearly every second of it, because it made me feel physically terrible and I could never build any resilience at all. I could never jog for more than a minute, it took me 3 months to get to a point where I could do 20 squats without having crippling muscle pain the next day. And no matter what I did, I could never do a single pushup.
Healthy eating also did nothing. My mood is not affected by what I eat, not even coffee does anything to me. So whether I go vegan for an entire week or keep my usual carb and sugar-loaded diet, I still feel the same.
What makes it worse is that I even tried medication and it didn't make a difference. I'm untreatable. Whether that's due to my brain chemistry and physiology or something very wrong in my perception, I don't know.",moderate
dev_pid_1610,"It’s changed me : I hate how this has sucked all the life out of me. I have zero confidence, no motivation and hate the way I look. I can’t stick to anything and feel like a constant failure. I struggle to keep my house clean, I’m forgetful, I can’t muster the energy to go exercise and make excuses instead. I fall asleep all the time and forget about important stuff. 
Worst still is that my other half doesn’t think that depression is real and that people make it up for attention so I have to hide my feelings. 
I tried counselling through work but found them to be cold and unsympathetic which only added to the problem. I’m struggling to come terms with the fact I was abused for years by my narcissistic parents. As a result I’m presently going through the wringer with my emotions because I was always told to stop crying, suck it up and pull myself together. 
Does anyone have any tips to help me wade through this sludge and maybe see the light at the tunnel?",moderate
dev_pid_1611,"My life is a disaster : Since along time ago I have depression,now Im 20 years old and Im working in my suposed dream job,but Im feeling worse than ever, i dont know how to explain It to anyone because I don't trust anyone enough.",moderate
dev_pid_1612,"Help : It feels like I have nobody to go to, I know I have friends and family but I just don't feel comfortable talking about some of things I think about. I started smoking marijuana to help with some of this, and I gotta say it has helped me beyond expectations. But yesterday I got caught by my mother, who is still stuck in the mindset that it kills people. So now I'm having the one thing that helps me, the thing that motivates me to do school work, makes it easier to be social, helps me stop thinking about the stuff I don't wanna think about, it's just gonna be stripped away from me. I don't wanna say all of this to my parents cause they don't care how I feel, they never have. They've never cared enough to even just ask if I'm okay. They've never cared enough to ask why I act the way that I do, all they're worried about is me going to college and getting a good job so that they don't have to work. They don't care about my well being. I know that if I tell them this they'll just call bullshit and it'll make things worse. Anyone who's been in a similar situation, please help. I don't know what to do with myself right now.",moderate
dev_pid_1613,"I think I'm destined to be disliked. : It doesn't matter where I am. School, college, home, online. There's something about me that makes people despise me and treat me like the most repulsive thing ever. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm too awkward, quiet, ugly. Most likely a combo of all three. The few relationships I managed to form turned to nothing, and now I've spent years with nothing but loneliness. Now I'm trying to convince the successful people in the world to hire a waste of space. Part of me doesn't even want to try, in fear that anyone forced to be around me will immediately dislike me. I just really want to end it, I hope I get the courage soon.",moderate
dev_pid_1614,"The end of it : The season, I died. I slit my throat & every where else I knew would bleed. I lost my loved ones because they couldn’t handle caring about someone who couldn’t live for themself. I did die. I fantasize the memory, but unfortunately I didn’t fully fade. I’m still here. The only thing keeping me from trying again is the sweet smoke of Mary Jane. Typical, I know. But it’s the only thing that truly dissipates my suicidal obsession.  I don’t crave other drugs though sometimes I think perhaps I’d be better off catching an addiction & spiraling towards futility.  I dread the weather warming as I’ll be covering up no matter the temperatures now. I try to see my scars as art of my skin. A representation of how hard it’s been for me to survive. But I realize that’s stupid. I destroyed my skin & now it’s my responsibility to keep it hidden from the world because no one deserves to be upset by the fact I was upset in the past.",moderate
dev_pid_1615,"I don’t know what to feel : I [19M] constantly feel empty and emotionless. I’m not sure why. I fail to see any purpose in my life and very often get sudden moments where I feel like just crying or running away from everyone and everything. I don’t like who I am at all, and it always feels like nobody else does either. In the past I’ve had problems with drinking and feel like it’s soon going to resurface. I don’t even feel like being awake anymore. I just try to keep myself busy with work and stuff at home because I know there are people who feel stronger than me and hurt themselves etc, therefore I almost feel like my mental state isn’t justified. I’m sorry if this is an inappropriate place to post this, it’s just that I have really nowhere else to write or talk about it. 
My friends have kept slipping away from me and getting girlfriends, spending their time with them. I barely have the motivation or energy to even get out of my bed or meet people anymore. It’s getting harder to even see the point in being alive. I hope this doesn’t sound too emotional or dramatic, I just don’t know how to word it any differently.",moderate
dev_pid_1616,"im having suicidal thoughts again : a few weeks ago, my thoughts of killing myself slowly became less frequent and i felt more confident. i had a crush on a girl in the lockers next to me who i sometimes make small talk with. she would compliment me sometimes and it felt nice, only for me to find out she was dating someone else a few weeks later. i didnt even know her that well but it felt like such a slap to the face. this fantasy i had is gone and now i feel even lonelier.",moderate
dev_pid_1617,"I don’t want to start cutting : I need advice because the people I ask irl aren’t helping they just say “just don’t do it then” like I didn’t think of that before. It’s not helpful at all. anyway
When I’m having an attack I scratch my arms ( I know, not as bad but still bad) it did help a little not much but now there’s a voice telling my try a blade or scissors it’s goes deeper it will be fine. Me not being that stupid and having some common sense I push the thought away but it’s get harder and harder to say no and I don’t know what to do",moderate
dev_pid_1618,"No one really cares. : People don't care. They may say they care, they may invite you to chat, but once you open up they hit the ground running. They don't REALLY care. They love to pretend they care, because pretending to help someone is easier then actually giving a shit. It's all so they'll feel better about themselves by pretending to care. When the chips are down, and shit gets real, they'll gladly throw anyone under the bus to save their own ass.
I've had my own flesh and blood backstab me TWICE. 
All my friends ditched me when i started high school, leaving me to such abuse, i was encouraged daily to commit suicide. 
Only reason why ppl pretend to care is so they can pat themselves on their back at the end of the day feeling like calling the cops on a depressed girl saved her life, when all it did was make her feel like she can't show any emotion, and has to remain empty void to avoid being thrown in a asylum. 
Just remember, NO ONE really cares.",moderate
dev_pid_1619,"Bad days : After a few good days i had some forward momentum. And now i woke up and every thing hurts again. Feelings of uselessnes and hopelessness creeps up again.
I want to go back to sleep but that does not make me feel better. I realy tought i was climbing up. But now today it feels like i am faling down again.
Therapy tells me to fight the nagative toughts. Relative them. But its fucking exhausting.",moderate
dev_pid_1620,"My depression is back Again... : My depression come back. I thought I got rid off it. For some time I was Happy. I ts been going on for a few weeks. My thoughts are screaming in my head That I am not good enough, they do not like me, I do not need to exist, If I die nothing change, everyone will leave me... etc. I use drungs like alkohol to keep them quiet. Even just for minute. One single minute is all I need. All of my friends Are like why are you doing this, that is discusting. I do not talk about my depression in front of them bc one friend have depression  and took antidepressions. They stopped talking to her and gossip about her all the time. My depression is bad and I know it. I can not talk about it with noone I tried bud they told me to stop crying for attention. Even my own father told me When I was having a one of my episodes that I am not ok in my head and that everyone shoud see that bc it s hillarious. I mother said to not tell anyone and just smile at people. I tried to killed myself. I overdose twice one time I ended up in hospital and second time friend found me and helped me. I was thinking About killing myself since I was 13 so thats now 3 years. Bud I now know that suicide is not the way because I deserve to suffer in this world. Dead is easy way out.  so I did not eat for months and ended up in hospital where they fed me though tube. when I got out I stopped eating again and again... So now I am just hitting my head against the wall till I cry And everything goes numb. I hitted my head today so hard that I broke it and now I am bleeding. I was so scared and happy in the same time. So I cleaned the blood of the wall and I am acting like nothing happed so I do not have to explain it to my parents. I am going to drink and took some tablets that should not mix ... hope I live. yeah.... acutally I dont give a f\*ck.",moderate
dev_pid_1621,I am tired : Tired of having no money when I work 40 hours a week. Tired of having to keep up with all my bills. Tired of having to be the strong one for everyone. Tired of having to go do what I have to do to make ends meet. I’m just so tired of everything. Parents have to leave the country and I have to be more responsible for my siblings and I have to pay for so much things and I’m in so much debt and I can’t keep up with everything and I’m so fucking depressed. But I make it seem like I’m okay. Only person who knows I’m not okay at all is my girlfriend but I don’t talk to her about how I feel. What can she do? She can’t do anything. I’m too fucked up for her to actually help me or do something to make me feel better. When I’m with her I’m happy but deep down I’m just so fucking sad and miserable that I can’t 100% enjoy my time with her and it fucking sucks. Why am I like this? I just want everything to end but I can’t. I am trying so hard and I’m not getting anywhere. In a month I’ll be 21. I have too much going on and I know if it keeps being like this I’m going back to smoking and start the alcoholic stage of my life. Im so tired. I don’t know what to do anymore.,moderate
dev_pid_1622,Sooo I have strict parents so any type of punishment they have done but I will not cry not at all they could beat me to a Pulp I still won’t cry but if anyone In my life yell at me I will fucking collapse : Sorry just need to know if it’s just me,moderate
dev_pid_1623,"The suffering of living in a rural area : am a 24 year old man, I have always lived in the countryside, my parents preferred to live in a village rather than in a city, I begin to suffer from this situation, I do not have many friends, there is nothing to do here, and my emotional and sexual life is zero, all I do is go out to go to work, go to workout room and play video games, that's it, and that from the start of my life, luckily I travel 2 to 3 times a year, the only times when I really enjoy my life, I would like to walk around big city, make friends, go to bars and nightclubs, find a girlfriend, like practically all the young people of my age in fact, some of my friends left to live in city to have a better life, my father died 1 year ago now, my mother refuses my independence and that I go to live in big city because she considers me too young to live alone and prefer that I stay a few more years at home, I would request a transfer to my work so that I can finally start my life and make up for all that I missed",moderate
dev_pid_1624,Someone kill me already : We’re moving and I as the lazy fuck I am didn’t do anything. Not that it was different before. So my Mom went through my room and I now feel like dying. Yay. I may am the most lazy disgusting person on this planet. Can someone please just kill me so I don’t have to do it. Why does this fucking Depression keep me from doing anything,moderate
dev_pid_1625,"Day two of talking about my depression : I apologise to those who were expecting an update I had to settle some things so also I appreciate the support on my previous post tak skal du have(thank you in Danish)
Day two : the awakening 
As u might've guessed by the introduction you might've noticed the phrase tak skal du have you might've guessed that I am danish by actually Danish is my ancestors tongue my blood line goes back more than a thousand years and through some appointments I've had it was shown I had a pure viking heritage this was found because if the back of my eyes were the brightest blonde my examiner had ever seen and it was incredibly rare so that's why I started learning Danish as that's were my ancestors were from (Denmark)
Enough of that after I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety my girlfriend was extremely worried about me and talked to me all day which I really enjoyed and it made me happy as she was usually busy with exams since it's that time for her school so it was nice to talk to her and really helped on that horrible day in my school we have a child protection service and they gave me these cards if I ever have another break down so I could go straight to them 
Also I have found a estimated day for my first councilling session it's around the 26th so yay for me I'm finally getting the help that I need and I know that people sometimes dont get the time and help from help from others that they need and I have deep sorrow for them and wish they can get the help I get as it helps them aswell in our society I've noticed that when people see something they talk (I might've already said this so please dont bite my head off ) and so rumours are spread about people like on the daily basis I get called gay because I dont talk about sexual fantasies with girls  like all the popular guys in my school do as you might've guessed yes my school is filled with jerks and you might've think well why dont you stand up for yourself ? It's simple there are around 800 students in my school 2/3's of them are what I class are jerks and cannot deal with that many people .
Well it's that time I finish this post as I can guarantee that who ever reads this dosent what ti read a 4 page essay so I'll end it here today fair well my readers and remember smile because when u do you are amazing ciao",moderate
dev_pid_1626,"I’ve stopped eating/drinking : I guess I’m just curious how long i can ignore my body until it starts shutting down on me. I’ve done this before and I think the longest I’ve done is about a week, so I guess I’m aiming for 2 weeks now. It’s so easy to just sleep n sleep until death starts to creep.",moderate
dev_pid_1627,I feel I don't belong anywhere : I can't find any true friends and I'm always misunderstood. I can't seem to fit into society. I feel I don't belong anywhere. I feel like no matter what I do I'll never feel like I exist as a human being. Nobody acknowledges my presence; my existence. My existence is a nuisance to others. I'm going to die alone.,moderate
dev_pid_1628,"I just want to stop existing. : I don't really want to die, there would be so much consequences, my family would be sad, my friends would wonder why, my bestfriend would blame himself, and I don't want to be a burden to anybody after I die. I just want to disappear, stop existing, without causing any problems to anyone or anything. I just wish I wasn't born in the first place. This world is so beautiful, but it's so shitty and cruel at the same time. I hate it here.",moderate
dev_pid_1629,Can’t break the cycle : I can’t break out of the cycle. I can’t go outside of my house. Very negative and just stay in room all day. Hate when someone tells me to do otherwise because subconsciously I know that’s what I have to do but I just can’t do it.,moderate
dev_pid_1630,"Maybe if im dead no one will notice : Im laying in my bed alone, it's saturday night. i have no one to go out with, My closest friends are occupied and the other did not pick up my call.. maybe they're annoyed of me?? i feel very miserable now, that i just want the suffering ends. I do really need help, but i dont think anybody would listen to me.. Im mad, tired, trapped, confused. its really funny how you can feel all of these emotions at once, one more push then i'll be falling off a cliff, can someone jusy push me already.",moderate
dev_pid_1631,"My girlfriend left me two months ago and I cannot recover : I have struggled on and off with depression for about two years now.I have what they used to call Asperger's, but now it's just part of the Autism Spectrum, and have also
She left me because she couldn't cope with my behaviour anymore. 
Today I found out she has a new boyfriend, only because my friends tripped up on a lie around me by accident.",moderate
dev_pid_1632,"God, if my parents weren’t looking so forward to spending my birthday with me tomorrow, I’d OD on xanax on alcohol tonight. : I have the supplies and the lack of will to live. I’m exhausted from the same toxic cycles, the attempts to communicate amicably which get thrown back in my face and am being accused of attacking or accusing, when I’m just trying to communicate. 
I’m just so tired. I’m going on my second night with no sleep. I’m in such a dark place and I try to communicate clearly to avoid repeating mistakes and having the same arguments, but I just get smacked down again and nothing changes. 
I’m just tired and I don’t want to live anymore. I’m tired of explaining my reasons that nobody listens to a years. I’m tired of this turning point looming over me and I just can’t tackle it. It’s too much. Everything is too much. 
I feel myself getting number everyday, I’m either constantly sad or at best numb. I hate it. I hate the prescriptions, I’m tired of talking to therapists, I’m tired of being completely mitigated. I’m tired of trying to resolve and then being made into the bad guy for trying to communicate what affects me. 
Worst birthday ever. But I couldn’t make it worse for my parents before I see them. Should I tell them I want to so they’re not blindsighted and it has nothing to do with them? I don’t want to get thrown in the looney bin again. I’m just not happy. Nobody cares enough to help me even though I’m very straightforward with what I need to feel better.  
I don’t want to have to meet new people in order to feel good about myself, but the present people in my life don’t and I can’t do it myself.",moderate
dev_pid_1633,"Day 1 of Being Sober : Well, after two months or three of being high constantly, I want to try and be sober, because not only is it bad for me right now n I'm 16(i have asthma) but I don't want to end up having a dependency on weed or anything because I want to get out this hole myself. Also, another reason being I've been so preoccupied with myself that I've lost most of my friends but in a way, it's helped me a little bit, as I've learned how to become a bit more social and I've gotten a bit creative and I've been able to enjoy my weekends and the little things, but now I want to try and do that by myself so I can prove to myself I don't need substance to be happy.",moderate
dev_pid_1634,"I don't care : I call ed out work today. Having to go through some things in my life recently.  I was raped by some guy I didn't know who I did like but he just proved to me he didn't care at all.
So I just left with the pieces of this shallow, hallow of a man who cares not for the human life. 
..especially if it eas his.
So hopefully I dont get fired and if I do.. it'll be fine.. i don't care much anymore.. 
It is what it is.. I am use to guys never stepping up to work something out.. it'll be fine.. I can move on from this and be happy with my own family... without him.. I will be satisfied and he will never feel that way..",moderate
dev_pid_1635,"Sorry this might be triggering : I want to kill myself, I’m an alcoholic and yeah over fucking everyone around wanna end it cops took all my drugs so only got 10mg Valium and unlimited vodka and was just gonna get heaps of Panadol just wondering how many??? Don’t need anyone advzice to say nahhh I’m over it",moderate
dev_pid_1636,"My girlfriend left me two months ago and I cannot recover : As context for everything, I have what they used to call Asperger's - now it's just part of the Autism Spectrum. Social interactions have always been hard for me and as a result, strong interpersonal relationships are rare for me. This relationship was my first. We met when we were 16, and we broke up at the age of 20 in mid-Jan.
I have struggled on and off with depression for about two years now because of a terrifying social trauma involving my girlfriend and an attempted rape by a close friend of mine. That was the start of my mental health issues. Although I struggled with depression and anxiety, my parents were a major cause of my issues. My psychologist suggested moving out ASAP so I ended up taking fluoxetine, getting a job and saving up enough money to move out. 
I eventually managed to escape my toxic parents' house and moved out to a studio apartment on university campus. My girlfriend, although she did not pay rent, de facto lived with me and helped with the associated costs of living out.
Living on campus during the quiet trimester, over christmas, was painful to begin with. We would spend our days either watching tv, smoking weed or doing both. Eventually, things managed to get better. My depression calmed and I felt happier, my girlfriend (who comes from an abusive catholic background) finally had escaped her family too. Shit was good.
I was visiting my family and because I didn't have to live and deal with their obsessive rules, regulations and helicoptering on a daily basis, that time I spent with them stopped being punishment but instead a fun dinnertime conversation. 
During this period, we were so confident we had already started working on baby names: our first daughter was going to be called ""Ella Louise Hope Dutton"", a combination of her middle names, my surname and our favourite name of all time. I really, really attached myself to this BEAUTIFUL woman.
We didn't use girlfriend and boyfriend anymore - she was my partner. We had really managed to grow up - living by ourselves made our relationship so much better.
She saved me from myself, honestly. She made me a better person, gave me motivation to join the Greens and inspired me to start working towards my goal, something I really value.
Things started going south when I was rear-ended by a bus. My car that I had worshipped for the last year, a 2007 Volkswagen Passat 3.2L V6, with upgraded infotainment and in mint condition, was destroyed in the blink of an eye by no fault of my own. 
I got fucked over badly by my insurance company (Allianz Australia) - apparently the bus company refused to release the CCTV footage from the incident and Allianz therefor immediately capitulated.  I lost half of the value of my car due to an unfair charging of premiums for the next 8 months totalling $1.4k and an excess of $2.6k which was deducted, even before liability was settled.
As a result, I relied on my partner to drive me everywhere whilst I worked hard for enough to buy a better quality car than a measly $3.5k could buy me with such high standards set by my VW.
That would have been alright and understandable, if it wasn't December and I didn't work in retail, at the biggest shopping centre in the southern hemisphere, for a very popular international brand.
Having to deny extra shifts to help with Christmas trading really pissed my manager off, especially as I was casual, not part-time, for that very reason.
I'm not saying that me losing my car contributed to the loss of my job. To be completely honest, although the politics of my workplace made Game of Thrones look like a Dr. Seuss plot, I simply was the first to be made redundant as not just the store, but the company itself was reporting losses in the hundreds of millions of dollars. 
As a result of losing my car and my job, I was stranded in a Studio Apartment in an area with little to no public transport. Unable to go grocery shopping, to pick up weed, to visit my family or friends. I had been doing so well with everything, but finally I gave in to my depression. I relapsed big time and started smoking copious amounts of weed 24/7. She begged me to stop, to get my shit together, to stop being angry at everyone. I don't know how many chances she had given me by the time that she left me.
She couldn't cope with my behaviour anymore. I pushed her away because I had lost sight of normality.
She said that she really loves me. She doesn't love me in a romantic way though, but more as a brother that she extremely cares about. As I still love her, to this day, with all of my heart; that hurts, a lot.
A brother. After four years.
I struggled to be ""friends"". She came over to my apartment to hang out, but it just ended up with both of us in tears. It wasn't my apartment. It was our apartment. I begged her to change her mind but with each time we saw each other, my pleas got more desperate and she got more distant.
Impulse control is really difficult for me. I don't understand why, but sometimes I understand what I am doing is bad and continue to do it anyway. Maybe it has something to do with my childhood, or maybe it's me just being a right fucking arsehole. But for some reason, I cannot forgive myself at all and constantly find myself  text her, apologising for everything that I've ever done.
As I struggle with interpersonal relationships, I am finding that I have an increasingly small group I can trust and rely on day-to-day. It's not like we even had sex for the longest time before the breakup - we could still be friends.
My brain is going around in circles, having day-long anxiety attacks coated in cannabis and abusing my prescribed Ritalin to just feel alright being alive.
Although I know that life will go on without her, I cannot seem to cope losing not just my girlfriend, but my best and only friend. The best friend I've ever had. And I chose a substance over my soulmate.
If anything, my depression is only getting worse. I can't seek help - I just honestly can't change - even when given multiple chances by the woman that I adore. We had already named our first Daughter.
Today I found out she has a new boyfriend, only because my friends tripped up on a lie around me by accident.",moderate
dev_pid_1637,"When you make a troll account to let off steam and then realize you are actually turning into an asshole : So life is cruel and anger is everywhere. No surprise there. We all need some way to vent, at least one trusted friend or lover to vent to. When one is alone for years and can see no hope on the horizon, what do they do about the buildup of anger? 
I thought a good idea would be to make a troll account so i can just let out whatever sarcastic or angry reactions that came to me. Then I started enjoying being rude to people who would be baited by my responses. 
Then I woke up one day and realized I was pathetic on a whole new level.",moderate
dev_pid_1638,"i told my friends : i told them a lot of things about my life involving depression. and my trauma with my sister. i told them so much and i thought i was doing the right thing. i thought it felt good. but when we all went to sleep i realized how much worse i feel now. why does nothing help. my sister has severe depression and she makes me feel like i have less issues, so i can’t make a scene. my parents can’t handle another kid having depression so they act like i’m fine. i just wanna lay in bed forever, but school is always around the corner. i’ve always got by because i took it one day at a time. but all the days are the same. my friends act like they care so much but they never worry about me. they only care about the rich white kid who acts like he’s depressed. literally one of my friends didn’t respond to texts for a day and people thought she killed herself. they worried so much about her. but i never respond to texts and people just call me a bitch. why does no one care about me.",moderate
dev_pid_1639,do you live with a person who always brings you down? : i do and i hate my life because of it,moderate
dev_pid_1640,"Please help me : I can't cope with being alone anymore.
Everyone i know has been leaving me behind one by one and i can't cope with loneliness anymore i really want to scream but there's nobody that can hear me.
My dm's have been empty for so long and the only chats i see have blue ticks and for years there wasnt anyone who would reach out to me first. I've been living alone all my life and i'm tired of it but nothing can change this. There's nobody there for me and i'm tired of being alone. I've been desperate for any human contact it's killing me at this point.",moderate
dev_pid_1641,Interracial dating is suicide fuel to me : Whenever I see white girls with another race I literally wanna die and it drives me close to suicide. Been dealing with this for around five years now. People on Reddit insult me and call me crazy etc. For feeling like this but it is what it is. Nobody is gonna help me and I understand that. Suicide is probably the best option for me.,moderate
dev_pid_1642,"Reaching out is a mistake : When I attempted I told one close friend about it, this friend told other people, and yesterday when I was in an argument with another friend he kept telling me how I exhaust people because I reached out, and kept making fun of my suicidal tendencies and repeating how I’m a nuisance for everyone involved. I feel sick to my stomach and hopeless as fuck now because people are now aware of my vulnerabilities and are now humiliating me for it.",moderate
dev_pid_1643,"I did it for me, I did it all : I was so depressed months ago. I stood over a bridge and all I could think about was my family. They’d be so upset if I was gone. Even if it was just for a few days, I can’t hurt my family like that so I wrote notes for them all. It would help them move on. But then I thought about my little brother. I know he would blame himself. I just can’t do it to them so I forced myself to get better. I forced myself to get a job and do well at uni and to be the best me, the me that I always wanted to be and the me that they wanted me to be. And I met someone. And he’s just so patient with me and he’s beautiful to me and for a second I did it all, I did it all for me. I forced myself to get better.
And then months after that dark sad cloud crawled it’s way back over my head again. Yes I have money, and my loving family and my boyfriend but I just can’t help but feel alone. I just can’t help but want to be gone. It would be so much easier if I never existed in the first place. Nobody would miss me then, nobody would blame them self.",moderate
dev_pid_1644,"I don't know what i should do : I don't even know where to begin or how to start it all. I m 16 y.o. and i've almost lost all hope. I can't remember when was the last day i was happy from beginning to the end. It usually starts good, then it gets gradually worse. I have a lot of things to do but i end up procrastinating the shit out of everything, until i give up on the idea of doing anything. I don't have any consistent future plans, days or even weeks pass without me doing anything productive whatsoever, i just sit here in a constant vegetative state. I really want to pull myself together to actually do something serious, but i never can. I don't feel motivated at all and i got to the conclusion that there s no way for me to get any type of solid motivation aside from some short lasting energy sprouts. My friends never reach out to me, they never search for me, it's always me who does the first move, they even end up ghosting me, and when i ask them if i did anything wrong to them they usually say that it's just the way they are or that everything is actually fine between us, then they would hang out with me once or twice (out of pity i believe) and they would always tell me that they'd never ghost me again, which eventually happens after less than 2 weeks. I only have one friend that talks to me in a somewhat constant way, but i don't feel like care that much about me either. I just feel very replaceable and think that if i weren't here, it wouldn't make any difference. 
I've also grown unresponsive to kind words, always thinking that the people saying them don't mean anything for real. My only coping mechanism i have is taking walks alone through my neighborhood or through the city while listening to music, but it makes no difference, because all i can think of while taking those walks is how much i want someone to be by my side during those moments. I had a photography passion but i ended up almost quitting it, because the pictures i was taking were not giving me good memories anymore. I often see myself looking at the pictures i took in the past and romanticizing those periods in my life and the things i used to do back then.
Recently, the thing i was most afraid of happened; i took up some unhealthy coping mechanism like alcohol and nicotine, and it's sad to say that i only feel truly alright when i'm under the influence, which always drives me back to them. I asked people for advice but they always brush me off with things like ""things will get better"" or ""i'm rooting for you"" or ""just grow out of it"" and i got afraid and embarassed to ask anyone for help, even my parents. I really want to seek therapy, but if i tell my parents about it, they will start playing therapist with me (my mother doesn't believe in such things as diseases or depression and she is a really big fan of the power of suggestion or the law of attraction and things like that and she always fills my mind with crap). I have no idea what to do.
If you made it through this far, i apologise for rambling this much and thank you for reading this. I just wanted to speak to someone ab it.",moderate
dev_pid_1645,"Anyone know of any good(and ok paying) jobs to work from home... : My depression/anxiety has gotten so bad these past few years... I honestly think this might be my only option now... I wanna start working again(last job i had was 2 years ago)but the last job i worked,i felt so horrible,and anxiety ridden i actually would drink before showing up,and it helped alot.
But then before i knew it... The days where i'd show up sober was outweighed by my drunk ones,and id go home feeling even more depressed... Sorry for the story,i haven't been sleeping right,and i kinda wanted to get this off my chest... I just want to work,and be happy doin' something not killing inside",moderate
dev_pid_1646,"Constant sadness : I’m 30. And feel constant sadness.
Feel like I have nobody. No family talks to me or knows how I feel. No friends, who really understand. Somehow I’ve been in an abusive relationship for two years with someone with a mental illness - go to bed sad and numb and wake up today to his unpredictable nasty text. I didn’t even do anything.
I feel no love at all, and feel I’m dying inside.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so hurt and traumatized from emotional and mental abuse throughout my life.
Sometimes being alone feels comforting but other times it’s so heavy.",moderate
dev_pid_1647,"Does anyone else share this? : Hey everyone
I've been thinking about this the last couple of days. Does anyone else has like a back up suicide plan? I mean, I don't want (right now) to commit suicide but I have a plan that if that day comes I know exactly what to do and do it.",moderate
dev_pid_1648,"my parents are desperate : My mom just asked why I don't do anything for school and why I am in my room all the time. I told her I don't see a problem with it and that's just how things are when you don't have anything to look forward to anymore, thus having no motivation to do simple tasks like studying, showering, etc.
My parents don't understand why I don't see my oncoming degree as motivation to study, I told them that's just too less to motivate me since I gave up, I just want to get things over with and die (didn't actually say the last part out loud but they got the point).
Currently my mom is in a state of fear because: „That's so unusual for your age. When I was your age I had so many goals.“
She blames my depression on my diet and instead of offering me a psychiatrist or something, she offered me food supplements (vitamin c, omega 3,...) since she's so obsessed with them.
I had to leave the house out of anger and went to my work place to go study but the only thing I did til now was cut my wrist.
Y'all don't have to comment anything I'm not going to kill myself, I just had to get things off my chest and am waiting for the next mania phase.",moderate
dev_pid_1649,"I feel empty.. : I don’t know what my trigger is. My head suddenly makes me feel worthless and the next minute, I feel completely dark and empty. Thoughts running through my head and then it just stops. It has that calming effect, does that mean that I have accepted that maybe being depressed brings me comfort and I’m used to it? 
When I feel like this, I usually go for self-harm. I scratch my skin until it bleeds and it will recover while it itches and pains me. Even if I had a good conversation with a friend, after that conversation I would in a snap of a finger get into emptiness feeling.
Am I alone?",moderate
dev_pid_1650,"How do i deal with high school bullying ? :  How do i deal with high school bullying ? In high school i was severely bullied, neglected and abused. They made fun of my defects [physical and mental ones], belittled me, and that created mental health problems for me, lots of them. I got depressed, anxious and it also affected my self esteem as they called me a sociopath for having no friends. This negative era of my life also affected family and grades. They have no sense of empathy so i think they are the sociopathic ones. Instead of helping me out they just look at me with a disgusted face and say 'get help' or 'get a psychologist' even though they definitely never went though something like this and are just saying that to send me away beacuse they probably dont even realise that therapy doesnt work most of the time. They just limit themselves to that, and they dont even say that with compassion or anything of the kind. Just shows how they lack empathy and how they arr ignorant about mental health. They called me names like dumb fuck for having bad grades even though depression holds back people and their intelligence, so im not at my full potential and yet still they say that, really shows how ignorant they are. Nowadays i have suicidal thoughts beacuse of this treatment and homicidal thoughts beacuse i hate them for doing this to me. How do i overcome this ?",moderate
dev_pid_1651,"I'm just down. : I haven't gotten out of bed since Thursday. Except to drink water and use bathroom. I've been mostly sleeping and binge watching Bones. I haven't been to work. I'm not sad, just feel down and empty. I haven't taken any of my sleeping meds. Mostly because my T asked if I've been taking them more than normal and I said no. And I don't want it to lie to her. I am a shit mom. Since I didn't go to work the least I could do is go to my kid's game. But he's at his dad's and I can't find the motivation to go see it. I'm dejected and tired. I want to go outside, but I should be at work, and shouldn't be elsewhere. So I am home. I want to just take off and drive somewhere, like I've done before. But I have to be in class Monday night and it's a class I can't miss for my program. I'm broke af and I'm tired of working so hard to barely stay afloat. I'm trying to be okay but I'm so not okay right now. I can't keep my days and times straight and this week has just been exhausting. I can't hear my music like I used to and it makes me angry and frustrated and I have no escape. I just want everything to be over. I just wish I had some support outside T, and wish I had friends. I'm tired of always initiating contact. Nobody contacts me. Except when they want something. I wish people would say hi or something once in a while. I am just empty today.",moderate
dev_pid_1652,"I'm considering suicide : There's something bothering me, something that's very difficult to talk about. I'm trying to reason with myself, and maybe consider going to therapy, but it's hard. It feels like suicide is the best option.",moderate
dev_pid_1653,"honestly : I've been broken for a long time and it can't be fixed 
I can't handle it anymore 
I know I shouldn't think those thoughts but it seems like there's no other way sometimes",moderate
dev_pid_1654,"So heres a metaphor for something : No I know the responds if I said the actual thing , so I tought I'd make an example that seems less weird.
So, imagine you're in a terrible relationship, where u just feel awful almost all the time. And u want to end that relationship and set a date when you'll have the guts to tell your partner. But then your partner invites u to go to Disney land, and u think going to Disney land would make your relationship happier even if it's for a bit, and u love Disneyland. The date you're going to Disney land is further away than the date u set to break up with them.
So do u go to Disneyland and see how things will be or will u end the relationship?
I know that if I told the real thing I would only get one response, this is the best way to get rid of biased.",moderate
dev_pid_1655,Help .... : My mom and dad just kicked me out on the house cause I'm gay ... im just a 14 yearold what should i do...I'm going to kill my self ...,moderate
dev_pid_1656,Help idk what to do anymore .... : My parents have kicked me out of the house cause I'm gay ....I'm just 14 .... what should i do no one loves me anymore ....luckily i can just kill my self....,moderate
dev_pid_1657,"I feel worse each day. : For like the past 3 months I've been an absolute mess. I've been sick constantly, with pains and illnesses popping up every 3 days. From chest pain and back pain to colds. I'm always stressed, and I can't simply take a break either since I'm in my last year of high school.  I'm going more and more into a spiral and it gets worse no matter what I do. I can't play competitive games because I always am the worst player in the team. I can't draw at all and I have no motivation to work on anything because nothing comes out right. My grades are getting worse and worse, I can't focus in class at all, I'm failing tests in classes I used to be good at and getting up every morning takes so much fucking effort. I have no real good qualities about me. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm annoying, I'm in constant pain, I've never been in a relationship, I don't have any money (unemployed and can't find a job). I'd tell my friends and family, but I don't want them to bother with my bullshit. They have better things to worry about than me. They have their lives together, with well paying jobs and loving relationships, and I feel like I'd be a burden if I bothered them. I just feel like nothing is getting better and I'm near close to giving up on everything.",moderate
dev_pid_1658,"Why am I always getting abandoned? : I've literally been unable to make new friends or even a significant other because everyone keeps abandoning me. The worst part is when you form an emotional connection between someone and then they just leave like you don't matter anymore.
How can people just do that? I'm literally incapable of comprehending such a thing, like I don't know how it works. I guess I was meant to be alone in this world.
I'm probably the softest benevolent person you could come across and im not even ugly (maybe I'm being biased). Since nothing seems to be working out and it's all one sided, I've already started planning my exit in a couple months. Maybe I can find some friends on here but idk...I won't hold my breath.",moderate
dev_pid_1659,"I Can’t Enjoy the Simple Things in Life Anymore : I don’t enjoy almost anything anymore. 
I enjoy talking to certain people, listening to music, food... that’s about it. Sometimes I can enjoy watching something but it takes a lot of effort to get myself immersed enough into it.
As an example of this... games. Two months me and my ex broke up after a 16 month relationship. Everything was fine with us, we went on a date a week before and we were getting on well with few arguments. I found out why recently and its disturbing, but it wasn’t her fault or mine. 
I was playing a game when she text me explaining that she feels like she can’t cope with everything anymore, and since then I’ve been depressed. Too depressed to enjoy games, or most things anymore.
I’m wanting to build a pc soon to try and distract myself through making music amongst other things, and seeing if maybe then I can enjoy games, as I have since I was very young.
Not enjoying games isn’t the problem, of course. It’s an example, amongst many others, of the things I just can’t enjoy anymore no matter how hard I try.
Sometimes in the day I just feel really full of energy and in the mood to just listen to music loud and dance, then other times I find myself wanting to just end it all.
A lot of bad things have happened since, but I’ve got over the relationship now. I feel sorry for her with what happened to make her feel this way. And I’ve recently started a new job. I don’t know why I’m so depressed but I am.
I try to hide it with a world of distractions and if I bury my thoughts with enough distraction, I’m fine, until I’m not.
TLDR; Depression makes it hard to enjoy things, does anyone else feel the same and can relate?",moderate
dev_pid_1660,". : I don't know what to say in these posts anymore but this subreddit is a crutch for me and I want to say something. Recent thoughts I've had have been a nice field and when I'm done being there a person with a kind smile would choke me they would have cold hands and a bright kind smile. A dark room with someone in the corner kinda weird and lonely. I'm high up in the air to the point I can't breathe and then I'm underwater but I die either way. The worst was me wanting to carve my face my mind just screamed those words but I won't because there's hella no way from coming back from that maybe it would be a fun last moment in the future. I don't want to kill myself but I guess I have to if no one else will in the future.
Who are books 
^read those words carefully",moderate
dev_pid_1661,"Got put on 5250 and stayed a week in the mental hospital and I don’t feel any better. : The week was nice, being surrounded by other people who understand, and then I got discharged yesterday and today I am feeling the same way I did when I got committed.
I feel like I will never get out of debt. $160,000 in student loans and I’ve been out of school for years and made every payment on time, trying to pay back an additional $9,000 in private loans I used to pay of my credit cards from school because the interest rates were lower, and another $17,000 in credit card debt from paying for a wedding and honeymoon I wish I never did, and am currently in the middle of divorcing.
Now pile on backed up bills that I haven’t been able to pay like car travels and thousands of dollars of medical bills and then I think “I have to pay more if I am going to pick up my meds today and even more for my therapy appointment and even more for my psychiatrist appointment and I can’t help but wonder what is the fucking point of it all. 
I feel eternally stuck. My MDD and GAD feel like they were getting better in the hospital but now that I’m back “home” I feel like the suicidal thoughts are coming back.
I guess I’m just ranting looking for support.
My support system is one my husband doesn’t approve of because it’s someone I dated a few years ago and he doesn’t approve of my use of marijuana either even though it’s legal here. I’m behind on bills and I don’t feel it will ever get better.",moderate
dev_pid_1662,Something is always missing : I know life is not about what's missing its about what we got. but no matter how I look at it there's something unknown inside me that's always missing and it hits hard sometimes trying to figure it out and not finding anything.. Been years with this feeling on and off. feels like my void grows each time it happens. I can't go on like this I have to stop filling the void with temporary feels its exhausting,moderate
dev_pid_1663,"I'm turning into someone i hate : Just got told today that i might turn into a narssistic person just like my mother and sister. Genetic, they said. I'm turning into the people that ruined my childhood. I'm turning into the people that made me hate myself. But, i guess, maybe i hate myself because i know i'm turning into them. Maybe i know it's inevitable. This is exactly why i want me to be gone. I want to die. I don't want to be them. I hate them. Why am i turning into someone i hate? Why? Why should i live knowing that i'll hate myself?",moderate
dev_pid_1664,"Depression lets me perceive reality in such a worse way : I just felt somehow stable. I just felt some joy for some days. 
But then I got to hear, that my ex boyfriend got a new girlfriend. And it just broke me. 
He never managed to have a clearing breakup conversation with me. And I think somehow I still got hope. 
When I am fine, I can deal with the break up. I can understand it. I can move on. 
When my depression kicks in, all I can think of is dying. I can not deal with the pain of the break up anymore. My suffering just gets so intensely. It is just absurd. 
So today I took a benzo again, to not follow my suicidal thoughts. 
I don’t get it. Why I am struggling so hard. 
I know reality is not as bad as my depression makes it. But I can not stop it from coming. I can not fight it. It just overtakes. 
After I took the benzo, I feel like anyone else. Just fine. For some hours at least. 
Why am I so fragile.
As soon as something bad happens, my depression comes back. 
Even though I had medication and I am still in therapy, I can not handle it. 
I just want to be normal. Not even happy. Just calm and sane. Fine with myself. And okay with reality.",moderate
dev_pid_1665,"Doesn't it feel like everything you say is bullshit to others? : I have been depressed for a long time now, never had parents because they abused me or any real friends that actually cared about me. At my school I'm just by myself and I feel like everything I say to others gets ignored or just is considered bullshit. It just makes me feel so dumb  because I just get ignored all the time and when they finally talk to me they just say something quick and don't care. Idk if it's me, am I a loser, am I dumb and  am I wrong? All these thoughts just get to my head and as soon as I get home zi just lock myself in my room and don't get any texts and it's just like no one likes me and I don't have anyone.",moderate
dev_pid_1666,"How can I cheer up : I feel like my friends which I have known for most of my life have become tired of me because I am hyperactive. I have found out they have had a number of plans without me and I feel like they just don't like me anymore. Feeling this, I tried to make new friends, but the same thing happened even quicker with them. I have found a friend group now who are nicer and for now, don't dislike me. My mum can see I am depressed sometimes and she thinks it's because I spend my weekends indoors on technology (because I never get invited to anything), so she tries tirelessly to get me out the house and to try something new. However, most of these things I find very boring or not something I would like to do, and she gets upset and angry at me because she thinks I would rather spend all my time indoors and I am depressed because of it. This is not true, as I am completely fine with being at home for a day, or having no friends. What I can't bare is not knowing if my friends really like me or not. My mum (like I'm sure many others do) drags me to these places I would rather not be, as she thinks it is in my best interests. Not wanting to go to many of these places, I often act sad and negative when we go, which ruins it for her and makes her feel upset. I hate for my mum to feel sad, though I physically can't have a positive attitude to these things/I can't cheer up even if I want to. The same thing happens every weekend: she talks to me about this new place she wants to take me, I commonly reject it, she begs me to come out, i either go or I don't, but either way she ends up becoming sad and not enjoying her day. I feel like a failure and a dissapointment, as I have lost all my hobbies to my sadness. 
Summary: I feel like my mum doesn't understand my problems and thinks it's because I don't get out, when really it's my social issues. I tell her this, but she insists that going out is the best way to help, which I know it is. 
When she tries to find something to do I often dislike it or don't want to go, which puts me in a low mood as I'm being forced to do something I don't want to, and this ruins whatever we plan to do or are doing for my mum.
I know this sounds incredibly childish but it's making me feel incredibly shit and I want a way out. Thank you for reading this",moderate
dev_pid_1667,God tells me he will not protect me from COVID-19 : Fuck you God go kill yourself,moderate
dev_pid_1668,What should i do from here on out? : Ive fallen into a really deep state of depression and have no one to turn to my family doesnt feel like my family and just treat me like shit and last night I lost the only thing keeping me sane which was my girlfriend. I don't kmkw what to do or how to feel anymore I pretty much lost everything I had,moderate
dev_pid_1669,"war makes men mad : **dearest subreddit.**
**As the war ends for me, l have no regrets, I've seen too much horror. l hope that fate been more merciful to you. Our time on this earth is brief, and mine has been filled with so much joy, that l can only be thankful for how much I've been blessed. Most specialty for the wonder you brought into my life.  This letter is my last. I've been found guilty by a military court for the death of an officer, it was not my intention to kill him. War makes men mad. thought l failed you, l know my sacrifice has not been in vain. l fought for my country and my liberty, my honor is assured. since its the will of God to separate us on eath, l hope we will meet again in heaven.**
**Keep me in your prayers.**
**a proud member of the** r/depression **community. Always.**",moderate
dev_pid_1670,"An interesting realization : I have no real friends, my chronic depression and alcoholism pushed them all away. Nothing is holding me back now so that's cool",moderate
dev_pid_1671,"Creativity, SSRI's and depression : idk if this is the right sub to ask in, but are there anyone else who feels like all creative abilites get drained when using lexapro/cipralex? My form of self therapy has always been making music, and when the days get dark the only thing keeping me sane and occupied is just that. but when im on medication i feel like im in this desolate middleground. im not THAT depressed, nor do i have alot of anxiety. but im more often than not completely drained of original thoughts and ideas, so when im not able to create and stay busy i just fall back into my own head.
it really sucks, because meds has given me alot of help. but without my creative outlet, im really nothing. cus that is all i really have going on for me",moderate
dev_pid_1672,"Out of this world : The feeling of being abandoned time after time is making me physically sick, and responsibilities which I'm not able to fulfill due to exceeding mental health issues are piling up. I'm paralyzed.
The sadness is washing over me. I'm suffocating. I miss my grandpa who died a decade ago. The memories are so painful. I miss being cared for by him. I love you grandpa. I miss you. Please take me away while I'm asleep to wherever you spend your time. Please help me. I know you had to go, I realize. You only got to stay so long. I'm so afraid. Help me find a way out of this world.",moderate
dev_pid_1673,"Hurt : I had an miscarriage on Tuesday with a guy I was with. Instead of spending time with him he decided to spend time with another girl , get drunk with her and have sex with her all night 😔 smh I can’t believe this. I can’t even cry I’m numb",moderate
dev_pid_1674,"I want to die but I can’t : I want to kill myself I don’t want to be here I just want to die and escape this world, I need help but secretly I don’t want help, I hate how I am I’m miserable but how could I ever be happy again I can’t fathom that idea, so maybe I should just die because then I wouldn’t have to face the pain of everything around me, but I can’t die because then my pain goes away but I would cause so much pain for my family, my girlfriend, the few friends I have left.",moderate
dev_pid_1675,"I’m a big fuck-up. : Well, turns out I’m a fucking idiot and owe a big chunk of money that I didn’t really know about, so that’s the good news of the day. On top of that it’s prohibiting me from making good on a promise that I really needed to keep. My stupidity at this point is compounding like a billionaire’s accrued interest. Fuck me sideways.",moderate
dev_pid_1676,"IDK if I'm really bad in life or just being dramatic : it's been months since I started treatment for my anxiety, weeks ago I was feeling rather nice but the feelings of despair and sadness stroke me recently (and still are today).
however I sometimes feel I'm just being dramatic with myself... that the roots of my despair are meaningless and maybe dayly life to most people. Like, a lot of people can't afford food, water, home, healthcare, their studies... just like there's people who have suffered from constant 24/7 bullying/racism or even harassement... My life is 100% fine with that, nothing I meantioned happened to me or has been lacking, I can pay my studies as well (around 90 a month), and that's why sometimes I feel I'm just a stupid spoiled person who wants X to happen in my life so bad, that if X doesn't happen I start panicking... which is basicaly the source of my anxiety (mostly social/romantic related ""X's"").
I've been told countless times that problems are problems and should never be compared but still, sometimes I'm even afraid to vent, thinking people will rather thing I'm dramatic",moderate
dev_pid_1677,I'm so hungry.. : But I'm not going anywhere. I'm not. Fuck me.,moderate
dev_pid_1678,"I can't take it, so tomorrow I'll end it. : I can't belive I'm this weak, never imagined I'll ever think of doing something like this, but I can't do it anymore, I lost all the battles, and tomorrow I'll lose the war..",moderate
dev_pid_1679,You ever just need to cry for a minute? Just to help get you through what you’re currently going through... : I’m so tired right now. I really just needed to cry for a moment. Before I completely breakdown.,moderate
dev_pid_1680,"Why do I care too much? :  I care too much for people and then they leave. I don't know if I pick the wrong people or everyone out there is an asshole but every friend I make, I feel connects, ultimately leaves.  And the only one left there is me. Alone. And it hurts too much watching them moving on with their lives, happy with other friends. And you are left alone with memories of good times spent, half the time missing them, half the time hating them, hating yourself about how foolish you have been, giving so much priority to the people for whom you don't even matter now. I don't understand. 
I want to move on. I want to not care about anyone but me. I want people with whom I feel connected. I want to be happy by myself even when no one is there for me.",moderate
dev_pid_1681,"I wonder how it ends : I really want to not be me i guess. Im a ass hole , a loner, loser, bum, good for nothing,  n more i dont do shit it all either  bores me or i cant pay attention.
I used to play games to distract my self but that doesn't help anymore just makes me sad whuch usually  turns to anger the back to me feeling really sad cause i got angry. I feel useless i have no friend any more the person i talk to the most left for the army idk how i feel i dont think  about it much i know im jumping around idk how to stay on track it all feels connected to me i guess idk im not expecting a response",moderate
dev_pid_1682,"Sadness as an identity and a routine is less talked about. This is how it engulfs you. :  For a long time, I did not feel sad about feeling sad because, you see, I could identify as a raging feminist, a fierce writer, a music connoisseur. But out of all these, I identified as a sad person. I’ve dreaded introductory classes for as long as I can remember because when the professor asks me to introduce myself to the class, all I really want to say is that I’m morose and that is all there is to know about me.
If I had to, I couldn’t pinpoint to a particular day on which this began. One day, I felt deeply sad. The next day, I felt the same. Since the “bracing up” was becoming a lot of work , I wanted to get it over with. So,I Iooked into what more was in store for me. Before I knew, I started making room for sadness . I curled up till I acclimatized to it. Gradually, it started to feel like home and the thing about home is that there is no need to leave at all. 
 On one occasion, I sat bleary-eyed through an entire night to perfect a presentation I was looking forward to work on for months. When I was called up to present it the next day , I rushed through it half-heartedly and murmured an apology to the professor. I had seen my colleagues beaming with pride so many times after being lauded for their commendable jobs. I couldn’t recall the last time I felt that way. So when the opportunity came, I was too scared to feel something this foreign. What if it felt nothing out of the ordinary? What if I wasn’t cut out for this kind of satisfaction? After all, chasing happiness had left me so depleted that I couldn’t feel it like others. 
My colleagues told me to be brave and see a therapist. I didn’t want to be brave because being brave means trying to heal. While everybody tells you about the magical powers of healing, nobody tells you about how much unlearning is required in the process. Unlearning years of self deprecating behaviour for someone whose answer to everything has been self -sabotage is exhausting itself. 
You see, sadness comes with an evolutionary period and with me, it always made healing lag behind. I knew the very things I needed to do to come out of the abyss. But, more than often, I couldn’t do it out of fear of uneasiness for change, or worse, no change at all. What if sadness was the most palpable aspect of my life and I was as much a goner without it as much as I was with it? Imagine going through years of emotional labour in therapy only to discover that you amount to nothing without your suffering. 
My purpose here is not to glorify sadness or mental illness in any form. I do not intend to justify destructive behaviour by means of this either. I just want to represent everyone who eludes happiness more often than happiness eludes them. I haven’t figured the way out of this but I learn everyday. I learn and unlearn. I learn how I’m wired and I’m not ready to stop yet. I want you to be patient with yourself . But, it is important that you do it EVERYDAY because you know very well that sadness thrives even when you are oblivious to it.",moderate
dev_pid_1683,"Is depression warping my brain or am I just unlovable? : My logical side tells me it didn’t work out because our attachments styles are different. I’m anxious and need constant reassurance. He’s avoidant and that need for constant reassurance pushed him away. I believed when he said he loved me. 
The illogical side of me (or maybe it’s depression talking) tells me he never loved me. That he wouldn’t commit because he was waiting for someone better to come along and just told me what I wanted to hear. That I’m ugly and worthless and he will find someone miles better for him than me and laugh behind my back for being gullible. 
I am at the point where I genuinely don’t know what to believe anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_1684,"I relapsed. Fuck. : This was a mess, I can't think straight. I'm sorry.
Dec 2018 was when I last had suicidal thoughts. Got out of it (not fully, but for the most part).
 I've always been too good. I'm almost 22. Never been drunk (did weed once and it triggered my dpdr), never been kissed, obviously still a virgin. I hate it. I wish I hadn't been like that. Now I have issues with letting people really know me and getting close to mw, I don't even know myself. 
Started college July 2019 and things were looking up, but I don't know why I just can't be happy. For the past few weeks I started feeling off, I just feel so numb and sad and what the fuck? 
Yesterday I was at a small party, only friends... I can't open up to them even if I want to, I just can't tell them what I really feel. They were playing truth or dare and having fun but things were getting a little too much for me (lots of sexual questions and daring to kiss each other) so I just left. I couldn't handle it. And this morning I woke up crying... I just hate myself so, so much. It was just a group of friends having fun, and I wanted to socialize because I truly care about them but I just couldn't do it.
I shouldn't be here. I'm annoying, I'm ridiculous, things would be better if I wasn't here. But I'm too scared to kill myself.
And I knew this was coming, I don't know why but I could just feel depression crawling back in and today I finally broke down. 
I don't know what else to say. Relapsing sucks.",moderate
dev_pid_1685,"Maybe its for the best that I don't live anymore, women don't want me, no family, no friends. : I am almost 40, on disability morbidly obese and can't lose weight no matter how hard I try.   I am almost 40, with nothing but a 500 dollar laptop that my neighbor gave me that is falling apart and only worth around 70 if that. a pair of shoes that are falling apart and hurt when I walk in them. about a dozen worn-out socks and a few shirts and pants all black. mostly sweat pants and two pairs of blue jeans and a worn-out wallet that is falling apart on me. 
I have looked up issues with autism and self diagnosing that I may be borderline autistic as I have some of the same issues in that spectrum. I am just so tired of fighting and so tired of going through life like this barely being able to breath and barely being able to survive and have absolutely nothing to show for it.",moderate
dev_pid_1686,"Do you ever get so deeply depressed that it actually scares the living shit out of you? : I don't even know how to put this into words, but sometimes when I get deeply depressed, I have this feeling that everything is so god damn bleak and hopeless that nothing's ever gonna fix that and I'm doomed and everything's going to hell, I will never experience happiness again and maybe I'm going to get hospitalized because I'll be too depressed and unable to do shit and my parents are gonna sit next to my bed and cry thinking ""what have we done wrong??"" etc etc... and this scares the living shit out of me. So then it's not just depression but also terrible fear, that is, two huge problems at the same time and I feel paralyzed about it and whatever I try to do about it, like thinking more rationally about the situation, it just does not work as the feeling is too strong and I get even more scared because it does not work which makes hospitalization (etc) even more likely, and the loop continues. The only thing that ""works"" it literally doing *nothing* about it, just waiting for it to end by itself, and just try to occupy myself with whatever I need to be doing at the time. That way I endure the least possible amount of misery.
The strangest thing is, this kind of deep fearful depression often happens for no real reason, like if I already woke up depressed and the day is bad to start with. It's totally irrational, yet it imposes itself with such strength that I cannot do anything about it. Usually as the day goes on, the feeling dissipates and by the evening, I feel much better and often totally ""forget"" about the episode.
*I almost asked if this was normal... :-D*",moderate
dev_pid_1687,I’m so tired of my fuckin parents : My mom is so manipulative and fake and controlling I am 19 and she will treat me like a fuckin 9 year old I’m annoyed and tired of her I don’t even wanna be around her or hear her voice. Both my parents were both alcoholics and abusive beating us with wires belts and hangers and their fist. My dad is a looser he would get drunk and get mad and break shit around the house throwing things and punching holes in walls like a child. One time my father taped my hands and feet and mouth and beat my senselessly with a belt. They are both also very controlling they limit my life and I’m tired of it. I wanna leave this house.,moderate
dev_pid_1688,"I'm prone to alzheimers : And at this point. I really do hope it comes to fruition early. I just want to forget everything and everyone. I'm never anyone's first choice, all my 10 friends (not even that close) are mostly in a relationship, and the others are just actually pretty ok with life, I've asked. I'm so goddamn lonely. I hate my family, hate myself. It's so hard to be in a normal conversation especially when all I can really talk about is my depression and values and virtues. Everyday I wonder when it'll be my last. I also want to share a part of a story from a book I've read, roughly, it goes like this. Have you tried bullying a wave? Well if you have then you might know what it's like to hit it with a stick, to punch and kick the wave with no success of the wave  bowing to you. And everytime one would approach you, you would try and fight it, but in the end you just get knocked over and over, what if for one moment, I'd just give up on getting back up and let the waves pull me into the sea and drown me. Sorry if this sounds this whole text entry sounds weird, my mind has been everywhere lately.",moderate
dev_pid_1689,"3 Weeks. Gotta Survive! : I feel that right now, like I have no control and there is nothing I can do, but it's okay.
I think today I'm just gonna refect on other things then my impending doom.
I think next time I see my girl, imma treasure her just a bit more. 
Our relationship is werid but it's special. She knows how to take care of me, my every need. The only real sadness in my own life is self inflicted. Shame on me really.
Maybe I should tell her I love her more, but we already say it a lot.
5 years, and it hasn't been the best ride either.
We had our petty moments, but stayed together.
Craziness is we met off Myspace wayyyy back! Dated for a few weeks in highschool. 
We stayed in contact over the years but nothing serious, then one day it happened.
She litterally walked into my car, and we been together ever since.
Now it's years later, and I can see I'm not exactly what she probably expected me to be.
That's the worst.
I gotta do better, I gotta be better.
Damn, I forgotten
This is not my 2nd chance, more like 59th.
I don't think I get a 60th chance.
Ugh I'm so emo. I don't want to be like this.
I got to pull this together and get to my girl...
It's to early to be sad. >_<",moderate
dev_pid_1690,"I deserve to lose the people I love : I have amazing people in my life who go to the ends of the earth for me but I am constantly letting them down and being a disappointment. No matter how hard I try to do my best for them and be the best for them I let them down, my best friend who is always there for me no matter what I keep disappointing him, and he says he knew with my depression what he was letting himself into and that he would never leave me but I think this will be the final straw and I feel like he deserves so much better than me but at the same time if I lose him it will destroy me.",moderate
dev_pid_1691,"They might be drowning too. : The one big reason that I haven't shared my current state with anyone is because I am very sure that they all have their own battles. 
If this infects them, I'll never be able to forgive myself. 
Also, there is no going back from that, which is a level of vulnerability, that is just beyond me.
(I haven't bothered with a throwaway account this time.)",moderate
dev_pid_1692,my mood right now : and ive pushed my friends away. all i feel like doing is binge watching Youtube or Playing Games all day long i dont even know whats wrong with me anymore i feel like ive become very ignorant and self centered. im not happy having no GF or Job everythings just not exciting anymore and boring.,moderate
dev_pid_1693,"My mom hates me : They hate me so much. I cant deal with life anymore and they'll be so happy I'm gone. They just wanted to talk to me today, and my moms first words were:""are you crazy, like do you hear voices"" I don't. Then she went on a rant about eating healthily and criticising my every meal and then all of my body. Then she made fun of the fact that I'm not sporty and dont really exercise. I tried to get away and go to my room but she just yelled at me to get back and even when I was crying she was just smiling and continuing to yell at me calling me a lazy disgusting maggot. I hate my self so much I really cant cope with this at all. Years of this has just made me more sensitive. I really wanna cut but I cant finds my knife anywhere I'm just gonna kill my self. I cant deal with anything anymore. The only person who is expected to unconditionally love me hates me. The whole world hates me. Sorry for wasting your time with the long rant.",moderate
dev_pid_1694,"Does depression/anxiety influence love? : I have been in a relationship for 5 years, It was all fine but I always question everything. Sometimes I think I am too picky and the behaviors I find hurting are just normal and I should toughen up. We have started long distance, and now after 3 years are again. But I don't miss him, I feel guilty about it, but I also have always been a loner (not lonely though). I can't understand if I have fallen out of love or if my mindset and thoughts work against it. When I'm with him I'm fine and happy, but nevertheless, I remain confused. Did something similar happen to you?",moderate
dev_pid_1695,"Anyone else feel like you don't have any good memories? Or perhaps just not enough? : I've never really done anything with my life. I'm 21, college dropout, spent the last year working 55 to 60 hours a week. In my free time I either exercise, watch TV, get high or just go on long ass walks for hours because I have nothing better to really do. I spent my whole childhood like that. I was obese, almost morbidly so, and spent all my free time in front of the TV because it was the only thing that didn't insult me. Family sucked, no friends. But now I have no excuses. I live on my own, I'm in a different state, I should be able to start over. Yet I can't get over the wasted years of my life and just continue to waste them. I recently started dating an older woman and she tells me about all her fun college stories and her fun childhood stories. She asks about mine and I come up blank. I've had a relatively easy life. Not too complex, I really have nothing much to complain about, other than neglect which is not near as bad as some cases I have heard. But I feel like most people who suffer also have great memories to fall back on, like a safety net. Fun times that keep them going because they know life can be good ocassionally. I don't really have that. My life has been almost...neutral, I guess? Like really not that bad but also never good. And I feel insanely jealous of literally everyone else. I have no real reason to feel this way. I have a good job with less hours now, a girlfriend who loves me, friends for the first time, and I hate mtself more than ever. I don't understand why she likes me at all and I live in fear of the day she stops liking me, which feels inevitable. I feel like a lost cause",moderate
dev_pid_1696,"Better off alone : Today I reached to someone i know for a longer time..
Ive been depressed for about two/three weeks without leaving my flat much. Im on paid leave. Im struggling with eating althrough i force myself to it.. Gave up on my schedule, like journal, exercising and meditating cause I dont have th energy for it..
And i tried to reach out to this guy, cause i feel alone..
But it backfired on me, as always, and just reinforced me that im just meant to be hated..
Now i feel even worse and cant stop thinking about how i should just stayed in my room.",moderate
dev_pid_1697,How come people only talk when I say I'll kill myself. IM GONNA KILL MYSELF! ATTENTION READERS IM GONNA KILL MYSELF! Now will someone be my friend? Pretty please kill me I quit I quit it doesn't get better to everyone holding on it never gets better I promise : Title,moderate
dev_pid_1698,"this is basically a rant of just something that bothers me and i dont knwo if this shit makes sense since my fuckin head is all foggy but hut i just need to get this out (idk if its a trigger warning or not but it might idk but i'm just being considerate) : do u even care bout me? or does anyone at all when I Iive my fucking all to them pi try and be as nice as possible and I try and just give myself to people because I care about their well being more than mine bc seeing people suffer sucks ass but all I get in return is fucking bullshit. this is the type of shit that makes me wanna kill myself every day.. me trying to make someone's day better or being super nice and trying to be fucking helpful and I get treated like shit, or as if I'm not enough.. it always the same thing with everyone that why I always smoke, the high and the feeling feels like a long-lasting warm hug telling me I'm enough and that I need to just take it easy but when I have to be sober then be nice to people because I'm a nice fucking doormat or of a person for people then that's the shit I smoke to get away from because at least I have the high to comfort me and to chill me out. I'm never fucking anything to anyone. but then when I act like a  SOUR BITCH people fucking hate it and give me fucking shit for it or complain about it. then when I get in their fucking face about it they get mad at me or some fucking shit. I always try for people and it just never works. that's why I don't care about most things school, hanging out, being productive because someone gonna bitch at me for it or are up to my ass even if I'm doing it out of my own will. I don't why I hate myself I should only dislike certain things, because I'm a nice person and I always try to help but I guess I mostly hate myself because of that and the fuck I'm also a piece of shit as well.",moderate
dev_pid_1699,"Forgot my keys at home.. Stuck outside... It's 7pm and it's cold : Been a long time since ive been outside beside school, and it's honestly shit looking at my old school classmates succeed in their life while I'm here struggling to even study for half an hour without getting distracted over dumb shit 
Never had a close friend, I have always been alone, the only two friends that I had decided that they rather don't care instead of helping me until they both blocked me and honestly I don't blame them, who wolud wanna deal with a piece of garbage like me 
I was not acting like a petty person I just wanted someone to listen to me, hug me... Or just care atleast
Im currently listening to music while looking at the dark sky and the vibes are hitting me so bad like im dying inside.
First time posting here, thanks for reading",moderate
dev_pid_1700,"I Just Feel So Alone :  
I just feel so lonely. Like I'm suffocating. My partner and I are at a low because of how my insecurity and loneliness and anxiety are pervading through things- I can no longer tell if I'm being unreasonable or he's just exhausted and unkind. I know I always create these problems for myself because I just don't have anyone else- I always just hop into new relationships and then make them last for way longer than they should because they become my only friend. I never have an actual circle. I'm the type that outwardly people think has friends- when I'm in a social situation or in class I can seem to comfortably be around people and laugh and joke. But when I'm not there...it's just silence. I'm never invited anywhere. No one EVER messages me first. If I try to arrange something people bail or make up excuses and I then see they went with others. So I just kinda stopped trying and gave up because it almost hurt more when I tried and then failed.
I just...want someone to talk to. Want to know if I'm just crazy. I've never been suicidal and I'm not but like...I just kinda feel like things aren't really worth it right now. I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety and depression lately and things have all been going wrong professionally so that's been amplifying the stress, and I feel like I shouldn't be where I am for school and have this massive impostor syndrome going. Cap that with a boyfriend who is extremely confident in his looks and determination and intelligence who completely wrecked me with his grades and I just don't feel adequate. And on top of all of that there's the fact that my medication has been all screwy and as such my hormones have been all over the place. I'm a mess and I'm alone and I just feel so overwhelmed.
My partner just told me he doesn't want to be with someone who's so fragile. And that he isn't happy. And I'm just so...tired and scared and upset. But feel so stuck because I'm upset but I shouldn't show it anymore. But I'm just so bad at pretending to be happy. And it all just feels so bad right now.
I just feel so alone",moderate
dev_pid_1701,"How long does emptiness last? : I've been going through an extraordinarily rough year. I always had insecurity and self esteem issues, but it really boiled over and pushed me down this year. I blame myself for everything, like my mother's passing from cancer five years ago, and began assuming that no one really wanted me around. I got a girlfriend around this time and I'm so unbelievably thankful she was there for me. I told her a lot about me that I was never able to tell anyone else. She gave me a lot of emotional support that helped me through that terrible phase without self harm or suicide. But now I just feel empty. I'm scared I'm going to lose her love and I go to her for reassurance every day. At least when I was sad and I looked to her, it was guaranteed that I would feel better talking to her. Now I'm not so sure. All my emotions are just dulled. I don't look at myself with self hate or the world with despondency, just a general lack of interest. It's not terrible to live, but it's not exactly interesting, and it still seems preferable to die instead of live. Too bad I'm too scared to cut myself or hang myself. I love my girlfriend a lot, and I'm truly happy to be with her, but the rest of my life is just as pointless as before. Is there any point to getting better? I'm just as pathetic, begging for the little words she says to me in order to make me feel like I somewhat deserve to live. I'm wondering if I should break up with her and then kill myself, because there really is no point, and it would save her some hurt.",moderate
dev_pid_1702,Does anyone else feels like depression stole everything from them? : I'm only 19 and I already feel like my life is over . I'm a failing engineering student who was supposed to do great things and have a bright future and move abroad and start a new life. I burned all the opportunities that I had and i just feel so guilty for something I have no control over. My life is slipping out of my hands and there's nothing I can do about it  but watch,moderate
dev_pid_1703,"It would be better this way : Y'know, I feel like since I'm an asshole it would be better to off myself. I'm just a waste of space and a burden. I thought that I got better but I just found out that I'm still a bitch. I don't know how I wanna off myself yet though. Just kinda too pussy to do it.",moderate
dev_pid_1704,"After my ""self-punishment"" episode, I made this shitty poem. I have no one else to show it so I'll just post it here. I hope ya'll appreciate it. : ASTHENIA
I know how that silent scream
Though painfully soundless it may seem
How its voice shatters your mind open
Hoping everything will end
Hoping that one day no one would remember
That time you almost pull the trigger
I know how to breathe yet drowning
Standing on the edge without jumping
Yet how it feels like you're constantly falling
Falling apart bit by bit while thinking
Should I do it, am I brave enough?
Asking, am I truly enough?
That coldness of steel on skin slicing
Through the relief and the tears it bring
And the warmth of that pool of red
How you have finally bled
The thoughts of how many times you've died
Along with the crushing grief inside
Those times when you can't even feel
And tell which is fake and which is real
Maybe a noose can show you what's true
Maybe it'll show how irrelevant is the real you
A short drop then you'll be forever flying
A worthlessness on a rope ever hanging
Countless ideas still bore a hole in my head
Should I rest or continue it instead
Then I'll realize how weak I truly am
How pretentious and fragile I really am
Maybe I really don't have the strength
Maybe I really want it but I just can't
It's then that I have found a friend
It's the truth that maybe suicide just couldn't mend
Instead it's my palms that hug my swollen face
Bruises that again made my heart race
That hope of a dreamless night without a stop
That undying hope of sleeping without waking up",moderate
dev_pid_1705,"I don't want to die but I don't feel like living : I have not been diagnosed. I don't even know if I have depression or just have depressed like feelings. I am comfortable. I'm not stuck in a corner. I'm doing quite OK in terms of life, work, friendship, family, relationship. But I've been waking up every day with a heavy feeling, like on the verge of crying. I have to be consciously present when I talk to other people even family members to showcase that I'm not sad. I even process certain things like small talk or joke, so that I appear to socially function like everybody else. Suicide is scary and I don't think I could do it but at the same time, I don't feel like living either. A thought popped in my head on what would I do in the event I receive news that I have a limit to my life expectancy and I seriously considered not to do anything and just proceed to die. I feel like I don't have anything to be super sad or depressed yet I really do want to just permanently disappear. I'm not saying my life is comfortable in all aspects, there are areas where my life really sucks but it is not a legitimate problem that it becomes an issue of survivability. Yet, I feel lmthis heaviness and hopelessness nearly everyday. It makes me feel like shit because I don't have a reason to be like this when there are other people that are far more justified to be depressed and even they soldier on. The reason why I post here is because I can't go for therapy and I want to know what people are personally doing to improve their life. Thanks in advance",moderate
dev_pid_1706,"I have a difficult time connecting with people. : Since I was young, my world revolved around my family. My grandma past away when I was 8 and my mom wasn’t around for another reason- so my uncle and aunt took custody over me. They told me it was what they owed to my grandma. But for some reason- I never felt accepted in my own home. The goal was to make my family proud. But no matter what I did- I never could. 
I wasn’t allowed to go out. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with friends. I was taught that all the extra time I had was suppose to be spent with family. I felt confined. I never had privacy. There was something about me though that had a difficult time connecting with my family because they never understood my emotionality. They never understood why I was depressed. To be fully honest- bcuz they taught me that negative emotions like that we’re never normal- I tried to repress them and deny that they’re there. I thought there was something wrong with me. And I couldn’t ever find the words to describe it to them. So I always consistently felt stuck. 
My aunt didn’t trust me for some reason; every time I tried to earn her trust- if I fucked up for some reason (even if it was minor)- I’m down to where I started.
I was sheltered since I was 9 up until I ran away when I was 16. So after that I was on my own. But then, the more I was on my own, the more I realized I had a difficult time connecting with people in general. I didn’t know how to react to problematic social situation so when I tried to solve it- it somehow made matters worst.
I’ve moved into a new city as well and I don’t know how to talk to people. I try to converse and get to know the other person- but I either lose interest really quickly or they do. I recently had a falling out with really good friends of mine for different reasons- so it’s impacted me more. 
I don’t know if any of this makes any sense. I wanna seek out help but therapy is expensive so I came here to vent out. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I just feel so depressed and my bulimia is getting a lot worst. I apologize in advance if this is too open.",moderate
dev_pid_1707,"I told my husband that I'm lonely and he told me to leave him alone : I've been depressed this week. Thursday night I cried and yelped for help over and over because I couldn't stand the pain I was feeling. My husband couldn't handle it, and left the house. I had to BEG him to come home and help me. If I was alone for 5 more minutes, I'm scared I would have done something. Last night, I was lying down on my husbands lap, and I started crying. I told him I was depressed and lonely, and he got frustrated with me. He told me to leave him alone.
He's the only person I trust. He's supposed to be there for me, and he's not. I've never felt so lonely in my life. I feel like I'm living in the dark.",moderate
dev_pid_1708,"What was your “rock bottom point” that made you want to dig yourself out of depression? : Hello! I’m not a person that has depression but one of my close friends has been in a downward spiral for about a year now. It’s really hard to see someone with so much potential just waste away and turn into someone you don’t even know. I keep thinking that he will hit “rock bottom” and then decide to turn his life around but it seems that he keeps sinking lower and lower. 
I thought rock bottom was when he dropped out of college and moved to a different city with no plan, no money and no motivation for anything. He recently moved back and decided to go back to school but it’s still the same issue. He is too depressed to do anything and he is withdrawing from everything in life again. This time it’s worse than last time because he has an addiction to adderall and smoking pot and nicotine every 30 minutes. This is his last shot at school if he flunks out this semester he will get kicked out. 
I’ve tried everything to help him and yet he just keeps sinking. I feel like he is pulling my own spirits down and is draining me of my own happiness. I sent him money and a list of places he can get low cost therapy/counseling and I’m taking a step back from being in his life. 
Is there anything else I can possibly do to make him realize how much of his life is at stake? What made you want to turn your life around and start getting help?
Will it really take him flunking out of school and becoming homeless for him to turn his life around?
I feel so helpless. He talks about suicide often. I’ve even told his parents but they are blind to it because he puts on a good front in front  of them. He doesn’t have any close friends that he can open up to besides me. Please help me understand what he is going through and how I can help him get better.",moderate
dev_pid_1709,"My First Reddit post: I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I am not able to pin point. Its this everlasting mopey feeling that just manages to ruin my whole day- every single day. : Hey all,
I am an international student studying film in the US. I recently graduated (in December) a semester before my class. I am on my OPT period under which I can stay in this country for 1 more year- if I get a job. 
I moved out of my roommates place in August 2019. I decided to live alone. Idk why I made that decision, but my life has been miserable since then. 
All the devilish thoughts, all my anger, self hatred, this disgusting LONELY feeling- all of these emotions that I had managed to suppress for 15 years, just started spewing out. 
For the first few days it was just in small batches- that I would feel horrible, but later it became every 3 days or 2 days kinda thing.
I’m gonna skip ahead in time and tell you how I feel now. I FEEL LIKE DOING NOTHING. 
I am a filmmaker, I used to love writing and making films. I don’t even know what I want to do anymore. I just sit around not being able to make a single successful decision in time. 
Not getting a job has really messed with my self image issues. I don’t like looking at myself sometimes. I feel very alone. I stay locked up in my apartment for the whole day. 
I smoke weed and that makes me calm down a little. But now, IDK if that’s even a thing or just me trying to PLACEBO my own self. I recently googled “Do I have Depression”.  
My phone seems to think I have depression, I need to get help. But I don’t know how. I don’t know if I have depression or is it just me trying to find a reason why I am not good enough to get a job anymore. 
This little college student needs some guidance.",moderate
dev_pid_1710,"am i dramatic : i don´t even know where to begin with.
the last few months i've been struggle with myself and i feel skeptical about what i feel. it´s getting worse. i lost my appetite, my chest are in pain, i vomited the whole time and i got irritated easily if someone talking or make repetitive movements like jumping around me or even when someone softly pulled me i feel like im gonna cry. i got sent home last week from work because all of sudden i cried uncontrollably. i havent seen any doctor or find helps because maybe im just overreacting or maybe these feeling are not real.
i'm a 22 years old girl, gonna be 23 next friday. yes i have hard past or maybe not. i have a complete family except my father who passed away almost 2 years ago. the thing is love is not a common thing in our family. i never talked with my parents as long as i remember. they didnt like to talk with me. but my mother always complains life to me. once she said she shouldve never had a child. i had a close relationship with my second brother but since i was 15 it never the same anymore. i got sexually assaulted numerous times but nobody cares or help me. i had suicide attemps one time when i was 15 but i was too scared. i lived in fear that nobody would ever attends my funeral or even remember me as a person. i tried to talk with someone but they said i was young and confused. maybe i am. 
when i was 18 or 19 i had a boyfriend. i believe he never loved me. he cheated on me a few times and i agreed somehow a little that i´m a boring person who rarely talk and is very jealousy. it became worst, the relationship became violent and pyshically hurted me. he would say something like im ugly or im not enough. i became critically underweight, i couldn'T sleep without crying or nightmares. i tried some kind of counseling app and they said i'm a loser lazy person.
until i found someone who helped me out and that person is my boyfriend now. i moved out to EU to lived with him. i never been so happy in my life, i gained weight from 37 kg to 43 which is really nice for me, i dont have nightmares anymore and all of sudden the sadness came again. i feel like i should be happy, i have an amazing boybestfriend, but i can´t even think positive. i feel such a loser who think that im depressed while somebody out there had worst life. 
my chest hurts, when i read something bad even though its not related to me my chest feels like crap. im afraid to talk with someone or with doctor because they would say im lying or im pretending to be sad. i dont know what to do. sometimes when i tried so hard to talk with someone i feel numb and i think it doesnt matter anymore. but i became suicidal, i constantly thinking that maybe its best when i die so my boyfriend doesnt need to take care of me anymore.
am i dramatic?",moderate
dev_pid_1711,"I miss having friends... : I mean when you have a group of people who like you and don't judge you and you go out and do stuff together and it's always funny and you always have a good time.
""Let's go to the movies this weekend"" or something like this. I'm in college right now and I'm kind of different than most people in the sense that I'm an introvert and I hate going to parties and drinking and stuff. So I see these movies and series and I think ""is it all just a fantasy?"". Because everyone has a group of friends but is it really possible? With work, with studying, nobody really has the time to have quality friendships anymore...
I don't know, I just miss it. I miss the time when things were simpler",moderate
dev_pid_1712,"In getting worse day by day. : Feeling like a loser everyday.  I can't concentrate at any thing, getting irritated all the time, feeling sad for no reason.. and it's been months since I had a proper satisfactory sleep. Just kill me please I can't take this shit anymore.. I want to die.",moderate
dev_pid_1713,"so i’ve concluded a few things : People only pity me. my ex girlfriend stayed with me because she pitied my life.
I don’t ask for pity, I don’t complain about my life, i’m sorry that it’s inherently shit and everyone close to me notices. my own friends just pity me, i don’t want pity anymore.. it’s ruined me. i have no true friends and I talk to myself constantly, write paragraphs about how much I hate myself into my notes, and have attempted suicide multiple times. it’s one of those things where I can’t even go out without the voices in my head intensely telling me how much of a piece of trash i am to be in existence. all i’ve ever done is fuck things up. I’m so tired of “normal” people telling me life is great. for me it isn’t. you don’t deal with the kind of thoughts I deal with, and have dealt with me entire life.. I don’t ask for advice so stop force feeding me it. I just want to die, i’ll finally feel no stress, no anxiety, and the fact i won’t have a consciousness anymore is comforting enough of a thought for me.",moderate
dev_pid_1714,"I feel like I’m just bothering everyone : Sometimes I read those posts where people talk about how so many people would miss them if they were to kill themselves and then I think about it and the people in my life and I tell myself they would be sad if something happened to me. 
But then reality hits. I’ve been really struggling lately and I try to talk to the few people in my life - my parents and a couple of work friends and my one non-work friend (I have a lot of social anxiety so embarrassingly I really don’t have any friends) - and they all say the same thing- shut up, you’ve talked about this enough, get over it, I don’t want to hear this anymore etc. And I think these people would not miss me. I’m just this big cloud over their lives.
I’ve tried to go to therapists but I went through a series of increasingly bad ones with the last one saying the same thing- she was tired of hearing me say the same stuff and she couldn’t help me anymore. So it didn’t really help me.
And in the end it just makes me feel worse. I really, really wish I could just turn off my emotions forever. That way I wouldn’t feel anything and no one would be bothered by me. I would take a lifetime of never ever having the possibility of having a good emotion if it meant never having to feel bad all the time.
I’ve seen this posted here before so if it’s like annoying or something if someone could just kindly tell me to take it down I will.",moderate
dev_pid_1715,"You ever just stop working? : While I have been doing better as of late, sometimes, particularly late at night, I really just stop working. All those feelings of depression and loneliness creep back in and I just stop working, I just stick to the last thing I was doing, in this case solitaire and just kinda slump over and just fumble for hours while my mind wanders into the darker bits. The world around me just kinda gets swept away and I'm left in my head while my body does anything else or nothing. The last time I just kinda crumpled onto the bathroom floor and sat there for hours on the verge of tears.",moderate
dev_pid_1716,Not showing up to birthdays / events / friend gatherings : Anyone else have problems not being able to show up to events when you just feel like utter disappointment and then feel even worse after? I get so paranoid about not showing up to these and thinking my friends will eventually just accept not seeing me around and fade away and you can’t come up with an excuse because of how depressed you are and you don’t want to tell them that. I’m having so much trouble because I missed a friend’s daughter’s birthday today and now I’m back to square one with myself,moderate
dev_pid_1717,"Lost Motivation : I exhausted by my daydreaming and anxiety
Now i lost motivation to do any productive work.. 
Everyday i just watch netflix and smoke.. 
How should i get back motivation ?",moderate
dev_pid_1718,"Anyone been homeless? : I struggled with homelessness. Not couch surfing but sleeping in a bush. My parents don't care I don't even know where my mom lives. I ended up living with my cousin and uncle where I'm some bastard servant. They're both military and treat me like a bitch. I'd join but I have felonies over traffic violations. I'd move into a shelter, but I have my dog here who's my only friend nowadays. I sleep in a part of the house that's high traffic and never have any space. Agoraphobia and anxiety are making the job hunt difficult. Yesterday I told my mom I wanted to kill myself. She told my dad who called the cops and had me picked up. They said I'm not crazy just depressed. Go figure. I love my cousin but she's liable to fits of extreme rage and I'm very passive most of the time. When she's not bullying me she won't stop talking. I live in a rural area where I'm not from and there aren't even busses out here. A girl told me to come over to her house the other night. I haven't been laid in like a year. It would have been a ten minute drive but a three hour walk. Guess who doesn't have a car. I'm pretty much stuck. As a recovering alcoholic I don't have any bridges I haven't burned. I quit smoking and drinking and am waiting to reap rewards other than increased moodiness. I usually still feel homeless even though I'm sleeping inside. I've basically traded my pride for a spot on the floor.",moderate
dev_pid_1719,"I need someone to figure me out, because I believe I have come to the conclusion that I will never be happy or satisfied with anything and I will always be bored and apathetic. : Before we start I am a 27 year old male struggling to live day to day because of extreme boredom and general apathy.
Now I don't understand how people live life these days. Because through my eyes LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS BORING. You name it, it seem boring and pointless to me. My experience of an average day is work, eat, shit, sleep on repeat and every time I try to find some form of entertainment or in reality, a distraction, I get bored in minutes and then get a headache from not being sufficiently distracted. And every moment I have free time, I curse it because it'll come down to me thinking about how pointless everything is. Apparently I didn't come pre-installed with the standard life cycle instructions where people can fool themselves into some form of satisfaction. I would love to be able to have that mindset just to keep my self going, but every day the option of death seems more and more like the better option and I just don't have the balls to follow through yet for some reason, but I clearly don't like living. Every time I bring up my boredom to people they shoot the same answers:
\- ""**you have to find what you like to do**"" - As far as i can see I don't like anything and am living for no reason. I am sorry I can't make something up.
\-""**You gotta travel**"" - I don't like traveling and I don't see the point in traveling X amount of miles to do nothing... somewhere else.
\-""**try new things**"" - \*genius\* I wonder why I never tried that....
\- ""**You gotta work out bro!**"" - Fro me exercise is nothing but pain, I don't get the dopamine or endorphins that people claim to feel. And before anyone gives me shit, I have tried and went to the gym consistently for pretty much a year, lost weight, kept it off and still don't give a shit. Because people will defend this one till the death for some reason.
\-""**everything will make sense once you find the right girl**"" - so someone can be miserable with me? I have yet to me a human that has made me feel anything besides the feeling of nothing. the best I've seen so far is a passive person who have zero effect on my life. And my sex drive in general is just not that strong, there's something but not much.  I am sure at some point somebody will bring up testosterone or something but, I just want to point out, **This is not about me getting laid**, but I am sure this will be ignored... if anyone even reads this. Generally I see post that aren't about ""I am gonna kill myself right now!"" In the title ( I am working on it) usually get swept under the rug. And forget about reproducing, holy shit having kids seems like a fate worse than death for me and I emphasize ""**FOR ME**"" you all keep reproducing but I P**ERSONALLY** can't stand kids. (incoming swarm of reproducers, I mean ""parents""  to curse me out anyway)
\-""**drugs, drugs, drugs**"" - Am I on anything? No at the moment but I am working on it. Is that really all it is? I am just missing a cocktail of pills? maybe but I doubt that will fix my general apathy and boredom issue, but if it'll make me stop wishing for death then I guess that's something.
I could probably go on but Lets see what happens. I know I sounds testy and... I am honestly. I but this mindset has been getting too much recently and I keep wanting to see if I am just missing something or I am just pretty much screwed until I muster up the balls to end it. I am sorry for wasting the time of whomever may read this.",moderate
dev_pid_1720,"Why does everyone abandon me? : Over the past 4 months I have been ghosted by my best friend, another friend, and a girl I actually was starting to like ghosted me after we went out once, and today my mother informed me she did not wish for me to be present at her and my father's 20th anniversary because apparently im an ungrateful horrible son, I mean, my parents are the ones who isolated me my whole life because of their beliefs and now they want me to be this beacon of extroversion, and they now see me as disrespectful or ungrateful because I don't share their religious beliefs, best part is I have to keep up appearances, cut my hair the way they say, dress how they say, go to their meetings and the whole 9 yards.... And you you know what the best part is? I deserve all of this, I'm a needy awkward sack of crap and that's why my friends leave me, I'm an ugly bastard that's why people aren't attracted to me, I just wish I wasn't me.",moderate
dev_pid_1721,"Just venting : I feel like complete shit and I just want to vent. I want to just disappear and be nonexistent. I’m so tired of life and just living. I don’t see a point in any of this. I use to be extremely depressed, but I feel myself falling back into this crap feeling I use to feel. I feel like I just keep upsetting the people around me and I feel like the worst piece of shit for it. I tried telling my boyfriend, who I feel like has been a big supporter in my life. He doesn’t seem to see it, but I don’t care because he isn’t responsible for how I should be feeling. Theres literally no reason for me to be depending on anyone for my happiness. I just want to vent somewhere on how shitty I feel about myself, my stupid pathetic life and how much I’m starting to hate myself again. 
Anyways I hope everyone else is doing better then I am in their relationships with themselves.",moderate
dev_pid_1722,"Anyone else use use coffee like a get well card? : I stopped drinking coffee and by day five I ended up sitting in bed catatonic staring at my ceiling and fantasizing walking outside my house to the middle of the road and shooting myself in the head in front of my family and neighbors. One loud pop and everyone comes running outside. ""Oh my boy! How did we not see it coming. How did we misread all the signs"" Lol I'm joking I would never do it I don't have the balls and there's no weapon in the house. My point is without coffee I'm at least 5x less functional and 10X more depressed",moderate
dev_pid_1723,"growing up : Disclaimer: sorry for my english, it's not my first language
I'm 16, an average highschooler, but I can't enjoy my life like other ppl my age usually do. I go panicky whenever I think that soon I will be an adult. Mentally I feel like i'm twelve. I'm doing pretty great at school, I'm this kind of nerdy kid who is called smart by the teachers, but irl I feel super lost. I just want to stay kid forever and play pokemon on my DS, I'm not scared about getting a job and having to pay bills, it's not the case, I actually want to work in IT. It's just that I'm not ready for a romantic relationship, I get amused by really childish stuff, despite being kind of smartass I'm very immature emotionally, I just feel like my body is aging by my mind stays the same. Due to that fact I cry pretty much everyday. Whenever in some show, game or anime there's a character who's a kid I just have a breakdown and get super nostalgic and cry. I have this vivid memory of me being like 12/13 lying in bed at night and crying because someday I will turn 18, I'm getting closer to being 18 everyday and I just don't want it to happen so bad. Due to all this stuff I just can't really enjoy life anymore, I just want to sleep all the time so I won't think about growing up. It just feels so wrong, I lost all of my interests, It's hard to play video games anymore or even go to the shower (gross but sometimes I just don't do it). Basic stuff seems like a huge challenge. I mostly sleep and binge youtube and that's all. I feel like i'm wasting my last years of childhood and I cannot really do anything about it.",moderate
dev_pid_1724,"Is this a healthy way to think? : I know that through the lens of society i'm lacking in several areas. I'm not conventionally attractive, my social skills are passable at best, and i'm kind of a bummer to be around on account of the raging depression. I've learned to cope with this by devaluing the social rules that govern what makes a person appear positive and valuable (being the opposite of me) to the extent that i now view every experience as an illusion of neuron activity and hollistically devoid of meaning. This helps out sometimes, but i cant help slipping back into believing in these social norms as the end-all rules of life, under which i am a poor example of a human being. I don't know if i should keep trying to embrace the void until maybe i hit some kind of enlightenment or if i should wholeheartedly acknowledge how low i stand on the social totem pole and strive to draw from the system whatever comfort it has to offer me. Do i live under a merciful chaos or a cruel order?",moderate
dev_pid_1725,"How do I feel emotions? : I cant laugh anymore, I cant feel sympathy, I dont know how to be happy or sad, I'm just constantly numb to everything like a robot, could someone help me? am I depressed?",moderate
dev_pid_1726,May be depression : I'm an introvert i don't have genuine friends i feel lonely most of the time . I really want to be happy in this life and make some genuine friends who can support me becoming a good human being .,moderate
dev_pid_1727,"im pretty sure im gonna go down the rabbit hole again : my dad's sick and my mother doesn't want to leave her job because her bosses keep manipulating her into staying to save their face from the higher ups. i feel like i'm powerless to do anything right now. she ends up crying over the telephone telling me how much she hates it, comes close to leaving it and then goes back because she can't live up to her 1 month notice. 
i live abroad and the youngest of my family. my older siblings who live with them are truly useless. i just want to talk to anyone man. my dad has high blood pressure (as of now), obese, diabetic and has an autoimmune disease. i'm 27 years old, male and really have nobody to talk to.. i have so many other things to worry about including my studies that i can't concentrate for the life of me right now... some kind words would help",moderate
dev_pid_1728,"I really want to die : I hope my Friends help my family to pay for my funeral, and i hope my suicide won't be painfull",moderate
dev_pid_1729,"I'm at the edge. : At this time in life, I no longer care about who think I matter because if I did mattered even the slightest, I won't be here. They were so busy looking the other way and didn't noticed how tangled I've got. I hope my parents realise their treatment towards me is the catalyst of my potential suicide and if they were to love me now, it would be too late. In the times when I needed love and warm, they turnt their backs on me; for years I've felt neglected, for years I had to pretend I was okay with that and live by it. I'd like to think I'm used to the feeling of neglect by friends and family but I don't think I can, in fact I don't think I will.
All this time I was convincing myself otherwise in order to live through it but, I just don't think I can anymore. I barely have any will power left.
To people I've trusted, to people I've helped in their times of need when they needed someone to listen also turnt their backs on me. I'm tired of hoping that maybe one day. Maybe. That even a friend or my parent would just listen what I have to say or what I'm going through, with years passing by my faith in almost anything is reducing then come along my life.",moderate
dev_pid_1730,"How do you cope with anxiety? : I'm a freshman in college. I feel sad all the time. Even sometimes when I'm with people who should make me happy. I've lost all my confidence from many things, but mainly being bullied by others growing up and my parents divorcing and their conflicts for 6 years while I was living with both of them. I guess I just feel unloved. I feel like I can't turn to anyone anymore. To be honest, I don't like myself. Every day when I'm with my close friends who I met in college this year, the only thought going through my mind is that they're going to eventually leave me because it seems like that's what all my friends have done before college.
I put my whole heart into any platonic relationship I have, I try so hard to be a good person and make others feel loved and appreciated and I feel like it gets me nowhere. I recently opened up to my (best?) friend in college about how I feel about myself. Now she's starting to distance herself because she says she doesn't want to have to constantly be thinking about and worrying about me. And while I understand that, it hurts. Because if I had friends who were like that, while I would be worried I would still want to be there for them because now I just feel alone and I feel like I have to keep everything even more bottled up than I have.
I have all these thoughts inside my head and it feels like they'll never go away. I feel stuck and I don't know what to do and it scares me because now I feel like I've been driving everyone away and it makes me hate myself even more because it makes me feel like I'm not loved for every part of me, just the parts I choose to show. I don't know. I just feel hopeless and it feels like things aren't going to improve and I don't want to go through life like this :(",moderate
dev_pid_1731,"The perspective that weed gave me for a day : 
So I tried weed for the first time the other day. The high/feeling wasn’t “mind blowing” in a conventional druggy sense, but it showed me how I think normal people function. I think, after knowing the feeling, it helped me put things in perspective. 
As far as depression goes, I’m pretty textbook: everything is my fault, I can’t do anything right, I overthink so, so much, and I jump to suicide as an answer. Life is bleak, and I’m either constantly on guard or I have no hope. 
When the weed kicked in, life became... okay. Not extremely happy, euphoric, or crazy (I did giggle for a few minutes). Rather, I was content. Life still had its difficulties and I still remember them, but for once nothing seemed insurmountable. Most importantly, I had hope. Hope that life will be better, hope that I can do what I set my mind to. 
It felt like I was doing good in life, good enough to take a breather, relax, enjoy all my achievements and appreciate the challenges to come. 
I felt like a normal person. The bleakness fell away.
It might sound very boring (and it kinda did to some of my friends), but I honestly couldn’t describe how happy I was and how huge the weight that came off my shoulder was. 
Obviously, this extremely content feeling wore off as the drug wore off. However, I definitely realised that this is how I’m SUPPOSED to feel like.",moderate
dev_pid_1732,"I want to be a better person : I am sorry if this post doesn’t belong here but I hope some one can give me good advice.
I am a bad person. I am condescending, get jealous of other’s success even if they are my best friends, try to bring people down. 
I don’t like it about myself. I want to be happy about other’s success and help them but I always feel jealous and wish they wouldn’t succeed. I always get a feeling of superiority  when helping people and I hate that feeling but I can’t do anything about it. I am very pessimistic and always assume people are gonna betray me and I think it’s because I’d betray them if the positions are reversed. I wasn’t always like this, I used to love sharing food,stuff and helping people. But over the last few years I’ve just turned into a mean, pessimistic, ungrateful, jealous bitch. I just want to change, I want to be happy for others and help people. I want to be more optimistic and positive. 
I know I sound like a terrible person and I am one but I want to change. Please help me.",moderate
dev_pid_1733,Sometimes I just wish I’ve never been born. : ,moderate
dev_pid_1734,"What else can I do to get better : I'm going through a bad bout of depression. I'm not suicidal, just to be clear. But I feel so empty. 
I have a good job. I go to the gym. I am part of a group of people who meet weekly for our group's purpose and also on the weekends just for fun. I have a couple of friends outside of that. I have a counselor and a therapist. I'm on anti anxiety medication. 
Several years ago I had emergency surgery that has led to a lot of health issues since then. Mostly nutrient deficiency like iron deficiency anemia. So I take a ton of supplements and see a lot of doctors.
So I feel like I'm doing what I should be to cope, but lately I have felt so exhausted and empty. I dont have the energy to clean so my room is a disaster.
I'm upset that I'm still single at 26. I broke up with a serious boyfriend a year ago and sometimes I wish I hadn't just because I wouldn't be so lonely. I have a dating app but that tends to further disappoint me when I get ghosted or they make it clear they're just looking for sex. 
My dog died recently and I'd had her half of my life. My family is broken and I'm estranged from my dad. My mom is physically handicapped and increasingly with age. The last job I had was horrible and i still feel like i have trauma from it and it makes me have a lot of fears at the job I have now. I still have nightmares about my last job.
I'm starting to revert back to my old unhealthy coping mechanism from before I started therapy. This includes emotional eating. So I've gained some weight which makes me more upset but I feel like the only joy I have is the temporary pleasure from eating something sweet.
I just want to sleep. I can barely get through the work week. I worry I will never get married or have kids as long as I'm like this. I don't put effort into my appearance any more like fixing my hair. I want to change and get back on track but I have no energy.",moderate
dev_pid_1735,"I just want to die : I just want to be numb, I don't want to worry about anything anymore I don't want to be anxious about every little thing.
I feel a heavy weight on my chest every time I try to sleep or think about anything. I want it all to be gone, I don't want to live like this anymore it is all way too much for me.
I am just a faliure in everything, even if I kill my self nobody would care, I would be known as the coward who took his life because he couldn't solve any of his problems
I tried everything to change, to be better but nothing helped I just can't keep up with everything that is going on.",moderate
dev_pid_1736,Can someone help me plan out my suicide? I’m done with this misery : ,moderate
dev_pid_1737,"Panic attack on shrooms : I had a bad trip on an eighth of shrooms last night and now i feel worse than ever. Im still in my head thinking about everything and its too much. Let me explain what i mean i have 2 songs stuck in my head eric claptons ""cocain"" and rolling stones ""wild horses"" ive had them in my head since yesterday and i cant get them out on top of the the two songs playing on repeat i literally cannot stop thinking about offing myself. I honestly feel like its gonna drive me insane and eventually im gonna crack and actually go through with offing myself. I want to die keeping myself alive for some 70 or 80 years sounds awful in my head but i cant stop imagining that im gonna give in one day and start planning how im gonna kill myself in secret. Sorry if this makes no sense but man do i not feel okay my own thoughts are torturing me. i ask why i want to die and its because of school i havent been going and now i have stacks of work to do. Im scared im never gonna find a career im scared im never gonna find something to actually care about and try its why i cant stand this anymore i should be in my second semester of college but i screwed myself and never went. Im not gonna blame ""adhd"" because thats bullshit Im just an idiot i waste mine and everyone elses time and maybe i do deserve to die",moderate
dev_pid_1738,"I'm stuck in an endless cycle of disconnect from the world : I dissociate from friends and the world when I'm depressed. Then I get upset at myself for making them feel or think I've abandoned them. But at the same time no one comes looking or reaching out so I assume they don't care.
And to top it all off I'm furious at myself for getting depressed in the first place. I'm just exhausted",moderate
dev_pid_1739,"how do find motivation to live ? : sorry for any mistakes i made. English  is not my first language 
i never talked about my problems before . and i don't know why i am writing this now tbh i think it is too late to fix 
before university my life was ok not without problems but the ones i had i was able to deal with.but now in my third year in i lost interest in every thing in this world all i want to do is sleep and watch videos on youtube i barely have a life anymore i feel lonely even tho i am the one who removed people from my. i was never outgoing or anything but always had a small group of people i cared about now i can't care about anyone even my family i lost most my friend. university was not the only problem but it was the one that made every problem i ignored or tried to forget comeback and i can't pretend every thing will be okay or act like nothing is wrong with me. i lost the motivation to live. some days i think about killing myself 10-20 times a day the only thing i am afraid of is not death it self i am afraid of surviving suicide. i don't want to end up with some disability that i will have to live with it for the rest of my life with .but the worst part about surviving is having to deal who the people around will look at me.",moderate
dev_pid_1740,"I'm sure to be lonely forever. : I have never wanted children but I can't help but thinking about how the older I get I will just get to watch my family grow old and die until I'm all alone. It makes me second guess myself and think maybe I should have children, that I;ll regret it if I don't. But it seems like a terrible reason not helped by the fact that I whilst I will miss my family once they're gone I don't actually enjoy spending time with them now.
I just seemed doomed never to be happy: I don't like being around my family but I;ll miss them when they're gone, if I have children it will be for the wrong reasons and I'll be a terrible father, if I don't have children I will be alone at the end of my life whilst everyone else I know have families of their own,
Why can I only think about the future in terms of regret and missed opportunities? I have no idea of what I want.",moderate
dev_pid_1741,"Finally broke down in front my parents : It’s been years since I’ve cried in front of my parents. There’s so much stress and burden I can’t handle it anymore, it all just came out. They just cracked jokes for cheap laughs among themselves and invalidated my problems, i feel so pathetic. I feel so fucking worthless, not even my parents can be understanding. Why can’t they see I just want to end it all. They don’t care, they think I’m being over dramatic even though I’ve put on a strong front that’s never been broken down all these years. I want to prove them wrong and just die.",moderate
dev_pid_1742,"empty : at this point I don’t think anybody reads these but it’s nice to have a void to scream into. I feel overwhelmingly empty. I can’t fill the void inside and I don’t really want to try anymore, this emptiness is eating away at me. I’ve tried with alcohol, weed, smoking, medication and masturbating but still I’m being consumed by this empty void slowly but surely. I vent a lot to my friends teachers and doctor but nobody hears it anymore. People just don’t understand how exhausting and numbing it all feels, how isolating it is and how time/excercise/socialising just won’t change it. I was out with good friends recently and trying to enjoy the time but honestly felt like crying for most of it. I don’t have the energy for anything. The only way I can describe it is the feeling of staring at the ceiling and just contemplating everything. That hopelessness and desperation combined into just empty. I can’t fill the void and at this point I no longer have the will to try. I’m existing so I don’t hurt my family and friends, scraping by and blowing my money on shit I don’t need or even want particularly and I’m heading into debt. I don’t care. I just don’t. Mentally I’m disconnected and I just want to give up this hurts too much. 
I don’t even know if this made any sense but oh well, nobody’s reading anyway",moderate
dev_pid_1743,"Feel So Empty And Alone : Hey Everyone,
For what I can see, I have a pretty decent life. Got a good family, got a good job ect. I just cannot shake this feeling of utter emptiness. 
I have tried all sorts to give my life meaning, but no matter what I do, I just feel hopeless. I am pretty sure that no-one I know would assume that I feel this way as I am quite social and have quite a few friends. Deep down though, I feel low value and worthless.
The one area of life that I struggle with is romantically. I have never been in a serious relationship and I am 26 (M). For some reason, I just cannot get this area sorted and I do not understand women at all. Maybe I'm a little bit autistic or something.
I am training hard for a very intense job atm and I am struggling to find a reason to go on. I have abused alcohol heavily in the past and it has gotten me into some shady situations. I thought giving it up would be good for me, but I still feel this loneliness.
I sometimes even have suicidal thoughts even though I would never act on it.
Please someone, can you try and explain what is going on in the fucked up world of my head. :(",moderate
dev_pid_1744,"I Wonder if Dying is Like Falling Asleep : On occasion I feel sad. 
There's this overwhelming and pervasive sense of guilt and regret that lay atop me like a warm blanket I've just taken out of the dryer. I understand what I've done, and I've done it all to myself. 
To me it doesn't feel like these nasty thoughts I'm having are undeserved. People say: ""you've done great things"" ""you're not insane"" ""you need only take a break.""
But despite what they may say, I KNOW that they must feel different. I can see through their petty attempts to emotionally console me and compliment me with the sole purpose of making me feel better. When you see a man dying you don't turn the knife in his chest, you give him anasthesia to make his death mean less. 
It's been about a year now that I've felt this way. I can still remember those moments when I watched my phone ring until it stopped, those times I ordered food rather than leaving my room, the people I pushed away, the trust that I betrayed. And I know that there's much more I don't remember.
Everytime I consider getting better, becoming that glowing example of who I know I can be, I think of all those atrocities which I have committed and I cower before the challenge of facing the consequences.
Yet, I haven't killed myself. 
I havent killed myself. 
I wonder why that is, it's clearly a way out. Is it curiosity? Is it biology? Psychology? Sociology? What does science have to say about the fact that I've not offed myself yet?
I dont know, I havent checked. 
I think a big reason I'm still alive is because I can just go to sleep instead of dying. I think my persistence is extended by the fact that sleep is like a temporary state of nonexistence. 
I keep wondering if dying is like falling asleep. 
Would I be awake for the moment I die like in the movies, or would I fall asleep and maybe even dream before I died? Would my last thought be a tear-filled ""Finally"" or a fear filled attempt to survive? 
These are a few of the thoughts that plague my attention-seeking, way too feely, overly dramatic, obviously faking it, mind. 
I dont know how to help others see the severity. It probably seems like serenity. All I do is sleep, eat, shit, sleep some more, and occasionally I'll even lift myself up enough to get out of bed just to get high and go out with friends. 
My existence should be the easiest in all of human history. I have all my needs met, my survival is barely a question. I dont understand it, why is it when I have everything I need that I dont want it? 
It's ironic. I have more than my ancestors dreamed of, I see rocket ships fly off to space, I hold the answer to most of my questions in my pocket, hell I have all I need and I still want more.
Are we doomed to live forever wanting for the things we cannot have? Doomed to never appreciate that which we already have? Nothing good ever lasts. Why the hell is that? 
I think we're wanting creatures. I always want more, more, more, and just when I think I have enough, I need more just to keep my spirits up. 
The girls who like me are never enough, the things I accomplish are never enough, the possessions I have are never enough, the high I feel is never enough, the life I live is never enough. 
Well I think I've had enough. I think we spend our young lives running after the best this and the best that, the hottest this and the cutest that, the highest high and the sweetest ass. 
I think settling down is just that. I think its realizing that your own expectations of life are unrealistic and that life is much harder than you had previously imagined. 
I feel like an icarus. I've flown too close to the sun and I cant run, I cant turn back now cuz I've already burned out and fallen down and I fell down hard. My question is: 
Does icarus get back up? 
Does he bare his scars with pride? 
Or does he lay down and die?
I wonder if dying is like falling asleep.",moderate
dev_pid_1745,"I hate my mood swings : Because it always ends up feeling wrong to agree to stuff and start getting closer to people when you’re on your highs, but it fucking sucks when you’re on your lows and they’re trying but you just can’t try back.",moderate
dev_pid_1746,"Should I be asking for help or am I just being a lazy ass? : For the past few months, every time I'm on the week end or in the holidays, i've been acting a bit depressed (sadness, feeling bored by everything, annoyed at every single person that exists including myself, and just napping and watching netflix all day). It's been that way for quite some time, and the very first time it happened was 3 years ago during summer break, it was fucking bad. It's been less frequent the next year but I still had those sad thoughts every now and then. Last year I had a surgery and the feelings came back and never left. 
Every sunday I keep telling myself ""tomorrow I'll call the therapist to make an appointment"" but it always gets better Monday as I interact with people. The rest of the week I'm normal (well still tired but that's student life for you) and boom saturday comes and he were go again.
It makes me not work on the week ends and makes me feel so guilty, so I mop around even more.
The thing is, I don't know if I should be concerned, or if it is just my laziness making me a nihilistic blob. Sometimes I feel like I'm faking my sadness so I'd have an excuse to not work and act like a victim. But also I'm always feeling this sort of thick tar around my heart. 
I don't want to talk about this to my friends or relatives, as it's humiliating to show feelings and I hate talking emotions. 
I imagine you people know best, so I'm asking if it's reasonable to see someone or if I'm just being lazy and trying to escape my responsabilities.",moderate
dev_pid_1747,"As a first time father, I suffered with postpartum depression and wanted to end my life : The moment I learned that my partner and I would lose our baby, I felt like I lost all sense of purpose.
I’d always wanted to be a dad and as soon as university was finished we decided to start trying for a baby.
It wasn’t long before the pair of us were sitting on the edge of my bed, apprehensively waiting for the results to appear on the pregnancy test.
After what felt like an eternity, ‘PREGNANT’ flashed up on the screen. My partner and I looked at each other with a combination of fear and excitement.
It was 2017, we were 22 and had been together for a year and a half. We had just graduated and felt it was the perfect time to have a baby before settling into the world of work. All in all, it seemed like everything was going right.
It was the first time in my life that I had felt complete. 
The day soon arrived when my partner and I were going to see our little baby for the first time, at our 12 week scan. We dressed up especially for it; I wore a suit and my partner wore a lovely dress. 
As we sat nervously in the waiting room at the Lancaster Royal Infirmary we shared baby name ideas. 
It was a beautiful day – up until the sonographer rolled the scanner across my partner’s stomach and eventually said, ‘I’m so sorry’.
We asked what was wrong and she explained that there was an issue with the baby’s development. 
We were escorted into a grievance room and a consultant informed us our baby had a condition called encephalocele, which is where the skull never forms properly. 
I asked whether there was any chance of survival but my fears were confirmed. Tears fell and I was completely numb. 
My partner and I sought a second opinion because we didn’t want to admit our baby was gone, but as soon as we were told we decided to accept a medical management procedure.
Witnessing my partner lose the child we had wanted so much is the most harrowing experience I have ever endured. I choke up just thinking about it. 
After the procedure, I tried to remain strong for her. She was so brave and deserved somebody to reassure her everything would be OK. 
How could I have thought rationally at the time? Our baby had been taken away and there was nothing I could do.
At the time we didn’t live together so I made it my duty to be with her as much as possible and we developed an inseparable bond. 
But I started to feel more and more depressed and couldn’t face being here any longer. I even considered taking my life. 
Even so, I refused to seek help. I didn’t want to be a burden on my loved ones, especially my partner as she was battling with her own emotions. I worried that if I told my doctor I would be locked away. 
I thought I could make the thoughts disappear in time, but after a while it became clear that this wasn’t going to happen. 
It was at this point I told my partner. I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders and she was incredibly supportive, even though she was disheartened that I had been keeping my feelings to myself. 
We both sought professional help from our doctors to help us come to terms with our loss.
Even though I was in the midst of a mental health crisis, I still now feel selfish for contemplating suicide when my partner needed me most. But how could I have thought rationally at the time? Our baby had been taken away and there was nothing I could do. 
We had a funeral service that only my partner and I attended. We scattered his ashes in the memorial garden at the crematorium. 
I’m so grateful to have had my partner and we’ve since got married and become parents to a beautiful baby boy called Noah. 
It hasn’t been easy. During pregnancy with Noah, my partner and I were incredibly cautious. While I do have fond memories of Noah kicking my hand when I’d cuddle my wife, we were so anxious throughout that we didn’t really get to fully enjoy the experience. 
At each scan we would breathe a sigh of relief that we had reached another milestone. 
When he was born I cried so hard – mostly at how proud I was of my wife and son, combined with all the emotion I had suppressed from the last pregnancy. 
It wasn’t until Noah was in my arms in the delivery room that we knew everything was going to be fine. 
I often saw how great my friends were with their children and I didn’t get the same thrill and enjoyment.
Yet I found it incredibly difficult to bond with Noah initially. I didn’t want to cuddle him or show him any affection. I didn’t feel normal. 
I was petrified of bonding with him because I felt that if I lost him it would completely end me. I became a recluse and avoided interacting with anybody; I was only content when I was sleeping. I felt empty, as if I was merely existing. 
My wife quickly realised how detached I was from reality. Often she’d be talking to me and I’d blankly stare into space, not taking in anything being said. 
I often saw how great my friends were with their children and I didn’t get the same thrill and enjoyment. I was upset as I felt surely I should be feeling the same way with my child. 
When Noah was a couple of months old, my wife convinced me to see my doctor, who concluded I was dealing with postpartum depression.
Before my diagnosis, I wasn’t even aware men could get postpartum depression. However, the doctor explained that I was normal, before prescribing me antidepressants and counselling sessions. 
In time, I gradually rebuilt my confidence and formed a bond with my beautiful and wonderful son. When we lost our first baby, it felt impossible to move forward and although I’ll never forget our first child, Noah brings that light back into my life.
He’s nearly two now and so intelligent. He has so much love to give. Noah and my wife offer my life a sense of purpose and without them, I don’t know where I’d be. Since going through this experience, I’m much more open about my emotions with friends and family. 
I vowed to my wife that when I got better I would try and help others do the same by showing them paternal postpartum depression does happen and you shouldn’t keep your feelings to yourself.
In particular, I’ve raised funds and awareness of Tigerlily Trust, a local bereavement charity that supported my wife and I during our struggle. They provide tangible symbols of remembrance for parents bereaved through miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death. We hadn’t heard of them before, so having them show us love and support in our difficult time was heartwarming.  
In time, my wife and I would love more children, but there will always be a sense of anxiety after our first experience. I’m a firm believer that time is a great healer, so for now, we are enjoying our beautiful son grow.
Parents should be looking after themselves as much as they look after their little ones each day.",moderate
dev_pid_1748,"Take Me Home :   I’ve been fighting, and fighting, and trying to understand, and trying to be understood, and I just…I can’t anymore.  I can’t.  I’ve tried so hard.  But everything, everything has been hard, and against me, right from the start.  I’ve never belonged anywhere, not even in my own family.  How many times they would say “Oh, that’s just how she is,” as if there was no other way to describe how other I was from the people who raised me.  I was so different from my parents, who had been raised in a single town, in a community, all their lives, with their sense of heritage and culture.  I was what I now know as a “third culture child.”  My siblings were third culture children too, but I was third culture from them, as well.  I was the only one who was born of a different parent.  They were all half siblings who got plenty attention from, and took after my stepfather, while he never spoke to me.  And my mother, who had remarried just to be able to support me, was secretly miserable and depressed, and never had the time or energy to speak to me either.  I was left to entertain myself in my room, constantly, and just shrugged off as unfathomable whenever I tried to talk to my parents.  No matter what age I was, from birth, to childhood, to adolescence, and now, adulthood; I’ve been forced to be alone, as we moved over and over again.  I was always alone, save for one point in my life, for a very short period of time.  I finally had a group of friends in middle school.  The one time I got to stay in a community for any significant length of time.  It was the happiest I had ever been.  When it was taken away from me, and we had to move again, that was my first major depression.  And I’ve just never recovered.  Ever since then, I’ve tried to find my home in other people.  I’ve tried to find that place again.  And again, and again, it’s fallen apart.  I can’t take the loneliness anymore.  My new partner is my last hope.  The last one.  Haven’t I said this before?  But I can feel it this time.  That if he betrays me, if this falls apart, I will die.  Even now, I’m terrified.  I feel like just resigning myself to the fact that it’s going to go the same as all the others, and just giving up, before he deals me the killing blow.  Because I don’t want to feel it.  Better to surrender now, while I still have a small piece of my sanity left, give him the baby, and just leave and never bother anyone again.  I wanted to find my place, but I’m learning over and over again, that no matter how hard I try, I’m too different, I’m too weak, and there’s just no place for me in a society that’s opposite of everything I stand for.  So instead of being told constantly how naïve and immature I am because I can’t be the way society wants me to be to survive, and burdening everyone by trying to be happy amongst them, just let me disappear.  It feels so different this time…he feels like the other half of me.  We’re so alike.  He understands me, and my point of view, but really, what does that say, accept that we’re going to be unaccepted by society together?  We’ll fail to provide for our child.  I don’t want our love to die because of the pressure society puts on us.  I don’t want how little we can do to make it, to cause resentment between us.  I want to remember our love as it is now, where you’re my soulmate, and you think I’m perfect.  I don’t want you to think I’m worthless like everyone else does… I don’t want you to take another child from me…  My beautiful sweet child, who my ex-husband took from me, was able to take from me, because I can’t find my place in society and make the money it takes to keep her…  Money.  Always.  The bond between a mother and her child, takes no precedence over money.  I felt it, from the time I had to give her to daycare, so I could try to go back to school, or work…she wasn’t really mine, she was the government’s.  She was another wage slave I had given them, and now I had to go back to being the wage slave I was, to even earn the privilege to be with her.  My role as her mother, the fact that I had created her and carried her in my body for the better part of a year, that she was part of ME, didn’t count for anything.  The family I dreamed of building, the home I dreamed of finally having a place to belong in, my marriage, it was all destroyed, by lack of money, lack of place in society.  My husband didn’t care about our love, more than he cared that I couldn’t fit in his culture.  Naïve person that I am, I thought that I would have priority over that.  In the end, I didn’t even have priority over his video games.  But I had faith in him.  I thought surely, with how earnestly I loved him, and listened to him, that he would see my value, for the things that really mattered, not my value to society, not my value as a wage earner.  I made the mistake of thinking that was a natural way to think, because that was the way I thought.  I’m so stupid.  I thought the same thing, back when my sociopath in high school discarded me.  I thought, surely, if he ever loved me, he couldn’t be so heartless.  I’ve given him all of my love unconditionally.  Surely, he sees that and understands the value of that.  But no, he threw me away, like none of it had ever meant anything in the first place.  But still, for some unexplicable reason, I still believe in people.  I still have faith, over, and over again.  I have faith now.  I have a baby in my stomach with a man I believe is my soulmate.  It’s not the same this time, I say.  Because my faith never dies, even if I wish it would, so they would stop hurting me.  Instead, I’m at my final round, because if it happens again, I will die.  Part of me isn’t even afraid to die.  Just let it be over.  Stop dangling the carrot.  Just kill me.  No one thinks like I do.  I don’t belong here anyway.  Just kill me.  I just wish, someone would tell me, that God himself, would have enough mercy to tell me, that there’s nothing wrong with me.  That society is just backwards, and has lost it’s way, putting money and work and culture and borders before everything that’s actually important.  Family, love, friendship, happiness, fulfillment, enlightenment, spirituality…that I’m actually the only one that’s right, and I’ve been unjustly persecuted.  Just tell me, at the moment of my death, that I did nothing wrong, that I’m perfect just the way I am.  Please.  Take me to the place I really belong.  I won’t commit suicide, if it’s really such a bad thing to do, that will keep me from that place, but I’ve done everything I can do.  Just come for me in the night, and take me home.",moderate
dev_pid_1749,am i a horrible daughter? : whenever my mom asks me to do something i end up procrastinating until she ends up doing it for me. she broke her leg and got a herniated disc in 2009ish and she has been doing all the housework and taking care of 3 kids with no complaints. i complain about everything and when she tells me something good for me i end up twisting it around and telling my friends about how evil my parents are. i realized this and i feel like i deserve to die to lessen the burden on my parents and my 2 sister who i also in my twisted mind call evil. so am i a horrible daughter or what?,moderate
dev_pid_1750,"Can un-medicated people with depression experience depression-free time at random? : Not mania or hypomania, mind. Just time that is unoccupied with any symptoms of depression. Especially, suddenly shedding anhedonia and being rather airy and content over simple things. Life/environment is stagnant and oppressive but I can regardless feel joyful at times.
note: I am dxed MDD but I am doubting it.",moderate
dev_pid_1751,"Why don't I begin again? : *Why can't I begin again?* 
It's a heavy feeling that haunts me more and more each day as I come closer to graduating from my Master's program in what boils down to a useless degree in an over-saturated job market, in a field I convinced myself would be good enough because I wasn't smart enough for anything else, because I never tried hard enough when I was younger, because I didn't think it was worth it pursue anything creative or what would allow me to express myself. My voice heard. 
*“I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live, Oskar. Because if I were able to live my life again, I would do things differently. I would change my life.""*
Each day the feeling is heavier. What I want to do is scream and get out. I want to quit. I can't finish my projects, I can't apply for jobs. None of it is interesting anymore.  But I never raise my voice. To express my discontent with my parents, my friends, my boyfriend, would be unfair, after all, they helped me. I can't quit now and say I regret everything. I never should have done this. 
I was looking for answers, I searched through old emails and old pictures. I was going to pinpoint the exact misstep that led me to where I am now. What could have gone wrong? On the surface, the search falls flat, because it was me who was wrong, made the wrong choices, never tried. hard. enough.  I only wish I could be financially supported to pursue something else, without worrying about how far behind I am in comparison to everyone else I know. But instead, I'll carry this regretful decision as I move forth in any attempt to rationalize my happiness as I accept the first, low- paying job I'll get. Settle down in a house not far from where I grew up. Pretend fulfillment is just another exercise class away. Have kids and force them to be better.   They will resent it, and be like me. Pretend it's OK. This what we wanted along, right? I want to scream. 
""*This script is ultimately what we leave behind, what still remains and still pulsates after we stop breathing—our Nachlass in time, our unfinished business, our ledgers left open, our accounts receivable, our unrealized fantasies and unlived minutes, the conversations still on hold, the unclaimed luggage in the cloakroom still holding out for us long after we’re gone for good.""*",moderate
dev_pid_1752,"The school and work combo of college makes me want to kill myself : It’s the most death toxic mental loop I get stuck in. All it causes is massive amounts of paranoia and worry. It takes me away from myself and forces me to really have to think about things I don’t want to think about. All I do is start ruminating and tripping out about if everyone hates me, certain deadlines, why am I here at all. It’s a joke is what is it. Everything I start to think just become so negative repetitive and toxic. The worst part two is it’s extremely primitive. I hate myself and self-destruct way too quickly to be able to find some sort of higher consciousness in depth expression. I constantly just feel toddler having a freak out in my head all day every  i used to have dreams but neurons will hold me back",moderate
dev_pid_1753,"I woke up at 3 pm today. : Nobody has bothered to contact me.
Or ask if I'm okay.
I go to a bar that opens at 12 usually from the time it opens to when it closes.
Nobody is asking where I am.
I bet they're glad I'm not there.
I just slept 15 hours and I am still fucking tired.
I'm not going to accomplish anything today
Why am I even bothering",moderate
dev_pid_1754,"I haven’t had suicidal thoughts for over two months : Hey there, just want to share some recent triumphs I had.
I haven’t had thoughts of killing myself, of imag9ning all the ways to kill myself since the beginning of January! And it’s March now!!
This is the longest streak I have ever gone in my life. 
I sincerely, sincerely, with all my hearts wish the best, the BEST for all the redditors in this sub. All of my hearts. 
I cannot stress this enough. I truly truly wish everyone can go their days, even just ONE day, without thinking of suicide, feeling a little bit of relief for even just a day.
I may not know you in real life, but I truly see you as my friend, and I wish you have a joyful life.
Love.",moderate
dev_pid_1755,"I have daddy issues : And mommy issues. I don’t know why I’m even alive.
I feel lonely and stupid.",moderate
dev_pid_1756,"Just want to be alone : When I go through deep depressive states I never want to hang out with anyone or do anything. Someone could ask me to do the most exciting fun thing in the world and I would still rather be alone. Like today, my mom and dad, grandma, sister and nieces are going to see a movie and I just can’t bring myself to want to go. I feel awful about not wanting to go, but I also just don’t want to have to exert myself socially and mentally and pretend like I’m happy. Am I the only one?",moderate
dev_pid_1757,I feel weird and a bit scarred : So 2 weeks ago my winter break finished and I spent it mostly isolated doing nothing productive or drinking.l didn't interact with any one for the most of the break so I didn't keep any kind of a fasad of being ok.When I'm alone I'm mostly sad and depressed or trying to distract myself from those feeling with drinking or just doing dumb stuff online. A lot of nights I spent just lying and thinking why am I this way and u know those kinda late night thoughts and then school started and I went back to my dad's place where I put on the I'm ok fasad both in school and home but shits been kinda off idk how. I put on the act of I'm ok like always but I kinda just started to stop at moments everybody at school kinda knows I'm depressed and many others there are to but at time's I would just stop the jokes and show how I really am like I just can't keep the act and then I'd snap back and go back to joking. I talked to some other kids there about it but not to deep because I don't let any one to close. I spent a lot of time after school sleeping or just lying trying to sleep maybe play on my phone for a bit but just kinda stop that and try to sleep. My eating is weird I'm not hungry I eat but because I have to not because I'm hungry and when I eat I feel like shit for doing it I've been eating like one meal a day only exception was yesterday when I got high on Xanax and wanted to see if eating high is any good. Now I'm just to lazy to make food and when I do it i feel like shit so I'm thinking of just kinda stoping like I don't see myself being willing to eat. I've been depressed for a while and yet some what managed to keep working out not any more I still hope to die every day but I've became more numb more emphty and yet still sad. I'm gonna finish highschool and I don't want to go to college and I'm just gonna go to the army my country doesn't have wars and benefits are good so by 20 I could live on my own I want that so nobody can see me drinking my self away and it's just that I've been so depressed for so long i kinda lost myself and just became so numb. I'm not even that horny any more before I would be depressed and spent hours online distracting my self from the sadness but know I just lyie in bed doing nothing,moderate
dev_pid_1758,can someone please explain... : i feel like my heart dropped... i feel so cold... i feel nothing but sadness... what is this feeling... please soelmeone explain it to me,moderate
dev_pid_1759,"Wish I wanted to kill myself : I wish I wanted more to kill myself. I wish I wanted it enough for it to be an easy decision. I hate myself, my life is going nowhere, I'm nobody. I'm 22 and up to this point in my life I have regretted everything I have done and only fucked up my life. I feel like the answer is to just end it but I can't get there.",moderate
dev_pid_1760,"This is funny : My life. (I know, my jokes are lame af)
But seriously tho, DISCLAIMER: I’m sorry if you clicked on this wanted to find something funny but there’s actually nothing here.
The thing is, I’ve been unmotivated and ambitionless for white a longggg while now. And I don’t see the day that I become ambition at all. 
So because of that, I’ve been avoid dating a lottt. You know, it’s just... I don’t want to drag anyone down with me in the darkness. But I still feel very lonely and really needs someone since I’ve been alone for my entire life now. I haven’t had ANY dates since the day I was born and that makes me reallly craving for the feels that it will bring, maybe even giving me some motivation for god sake. But yeaaaaaa.... noooo.
So even though I’m still not planning on dating anyone. I still want to feel a tini tiny bit better so I went on google and searched for “should ambtionless date” in hoping of some pages popping up saying “yes don’t feel bad” or something like “yes there are people who accepts you” . And guess what, they’re all no no no and no. Now I feel like a f*ckin useless piece of sheeet (not that I wasn’t feeling like that at the beginning, now I’m just feeling more useless) and just BAM. There goes all my esteem and hope for life haha.
What am I trying to achieve with this post? I have no fkin clue. I guess I’m just out of my mind at 4:00 am and need to virtually SCREAM at something to feel maybe better. I fkin hate this. Thank you for reading. Maybe comment so I have some more things to scream at. Or maybe sorry for wasting your time, have a good day or night. But I guess after reading this sheet it will make you feel sheet too, well then I’m sorry but I will still post this just because. Sorry",moderate
dev_pid_1761,"I'm sick of people pushing recovery in my face. : It doesn't work. ""Thinking happy thoughts"" doesn't work. ""Setting small goals"" doesn't work when you can't even leave your bed except to piss. Big pharmas ""antidepressants"" don't work. I can't even seem to set foot into a therapists office without getting an involuntary commitment, where I'm treated like I'm subhuman and is quite literally no better than jail.
So fucking quit telling me to do all these things I've already tried. 
Oh I'm not trying hard enough? Fuck off. You're just reaffirming that my best is never enough.
Quit your shit.",moderate
dev_pid_1762,"Today’s my Birthday : and it was the first time I actually enjoyed cutting. I’ve tried it once before, but I didn’t like the pain. But today, for some reason I did. I didn’t even do it specifically because it was my birthday. I just happened to want to do it today.",moderate
dev_pid_1763,"How many of you are out there, with your depression hidden from the world??? Are there really more of us? : I'm at the very low of my 2nd relapse... I feel lioe I'm fighting this battle alone, like there just can't be more people out there trying their hardest to simply survive, not even be happy, just survive.
Please tell me you're all out there",moderate
dev_pid_1764,"I am not who I think I am : I am no longer trying to beat these feelings. I'm no longer trying to assert my will over my existence. Now, I accept that this is who I am.
I fear the shame and humiliation. Surely, at some point they will see that I am not this character I play. They'll never accept this repulsively stupid, pretentious, fucking dumb excuse for a human. They'll never accept a thing like me.  So I hide. I run. To preserve the illusion that I am who I think I am.",moderate
dev_pid_1765,"Do you guys ever have those days where everything was aligning perfectly and you're so filled with hope, but then something happens and it all comes crumbling down? : I found a friend group that I was really getting along with. My mom told me she'd start paying me if I took the dog out on walks at the park and that she would even let me drive the car so I can get some practice in for my license. It was like, really the perfect opportunity for me in so many ways. I could put the money away for a planned trip with my new friends. I could get my license. I could get out of the house and get some exercise. All of these things came together and made me so hopeful about the future. I was having a good week - I even got my first art commission.
But of course the penny had to drop. She lied. Get your driving practice in? ""Not in my car you're not"". Get paid? ""why should I trust you to do anything? I'll figure it out myself."" It feels so hopeless. I'm trapped here. ""You're a horrible person. You don't have a heart or an ounce of compassion and you make life miserable"". I just wanted my license so I can get away. I'm all alone here. I don't have any friends where I live and I just can't get away. I feel so stupid for getting my hopes up once again.",moderate
dev_pid_1766,"I have no idea how I'm going to cope right now : I'm a full time worker and student who is in the middle of a move. It was all really stressing me out but now I'm on the verge of actually breaking down. All of my school notes my backpack and my wallet were stolen from my boyfriends truck last night while we ate dinner. I had to go somewhere that needed my social security card a bit before so that was in my wallet. My ID, insurance card, driving permit, debit, credit, and social security card are now in a stranger's hands. I called the police department and they referred me to file a police report online in a really cold tone. I just wanted a little bit of empathy. I feel like all my progress was just shit on. I cant even report the ID and social security card as stolen with the DMV until monday.",moderate
dev_pid_1767,"Anger and sadness - I want to cry but I can't. I wish I could. : 22 male here who gave himself a self-induced brain injury after repeatedly slamming his head into a concrete wall. This was after a woman ghosted me after I got feelings for her. I've never had any romantic interests. I wish I was attracted to obese woman and single mothers. Because they are the only one who give me a chance. I am not attracted to these woman and it's of no fault of my own. I don't choose what I like. 
I'm sick of the constant fucking rejection. I'm a short man with social anxiety disorder who rarely leaves the house. I want to die.",moderate
dev_pid_1768,"My mom (59F) is depressed and i'm not sure how to help her : My mom lives with me during the weekends, and stays in another city during the week for work.  My dad lives in another country to take care of some business. I've started noticing that my mom is getting increasingly hard to be around. She gets angry at the lightest thing, and my husband, kids and me feel we have to tiptoe around her feelings, not knowing what's going to upset her. If we plan on doing anything without her, she gets sad. If my son says he doesnt want to sleep next to her, she gets upset at him.  Initially, I was getting annoyed but now I realize she might be depressed. She has had depression 10 years ago, but my dad was around then and things seemed to improve.  Now, i'm not sure how to help her. Do I suggest she see a doctor? Or get therapy? I feel she is depressed because my dad isn't around and she feels lonely, but I cant fix that. I don't want to hurt her feelings more but would like to see her get better.",moderate
dev_pid_1769,"Is my university professor bullying me or am I overreacting? : I posted this somewhere else but I feel like it has so much to do with depression and mental health so I wanted to post it here... 
This is gonna be crazy lengthy so please bear with me. I’m gonna try to label the sections in all caps so if anyone wants to skip around they can. Also I’m on mobile so I’m sorry for the formatting )-: 
INTRO: I (22f) attend a university in the US and am in a major where there’s only like 20 students in my “grade” (like freshman, sophomore, etc.) and we are all in the same classes together and have been for four years, so it’s hard to meet other people. We have all also had the same group of professors for four years. So we all are very familiar with each other. 
I’m a senior and it is my last semester, I graduate this May. The head of the department is very involved and is making sure that each of us individually are on the track to graduating. 
BACKGROUND: As a little background I have had severe anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. I also have mild PTSD. I’m in a situation where my mom raised me by herself and was a great mom but also was incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive so I basically am terrified of confrontation, am a huge people pleaser, definitely do not do anything to stand out, and I follow directions and I do what I’m supposed to do (which is get decent grades, live independently and take care of my two pets, it just worked out that I work at a wonderful job that wants to take me on after I graduate, basically I’m just trying to be successful so my mom is proud of me). I have been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist actively and seeking treatment, but I have relapsed a handful of times. 
Throughout my college career, it never fails that at some point in the semester there is a week or two where I fall into a depression pit and get too anxious to leave home but I still complete my projects (my major is VERY project based) and have never missed a deadline. I have never failed a class before. During these times I have been quite open with specific professors because there is an attendance policy in place where you can have 3 unexcused absences and after that your grade is affected. I have spoken so far to 3 professors and they have all been super wonderful and empathetic and willing to work with me. 
For my senior project, I am as far along as everyone else and continue to produce work even though my mental health has been suffering recently. My studio professor got hired about a year ago give or take and we have never had him before as a professor so none of the seniors know him well. The senior studios are split up into two classrooms, so there are two professors but we are all working on our final projects. My professor is incredibly rude and snarky and has an attitude with everybody. He has called students incompetent and told one particular girl that she didn’t have the ability to become our profession. He yelled at another student in front of everyone before. His work load is insane and way more work than the other senior studio. Today they just turned in a deadline that we turned in two weeks ago. Not only does he want us to work on our senior project but he wants to throw all kinds of extra assignments in there when that’s not the point of the class. It’s to do our final thesis project. 
SITUATION: Recently I had missed a few weeks of school because I was going through intense shit with my mom, I was physically ill with the flu and then I got a sinus infection on top of that, but was keeping him updated. I got a note from an urgent care type place stating that I was ill with a flu like virus and I sent a picture of it to him in an email. I did not attend class the next day either because duh I have all the flu symptoms. I don’t think he counted that as excused because I didn’t get a note for that day, but I’m not going to pay $80 every day that I’m sick after they already prescribed me medicine and whatever just so I can get a note ???? 
So the following week goes by and I’m not getting any better and am getting more symptoms of a sinus infection. Great. Obviously I didn’t go to class. This is where I messed up because I should have gone to the doctor sooner to get an excuse I guess. 
I was emailing him and telling him that I wasn’t going to class and as we were just working on our projects for the upcoming deadline this literal entire time, I didn’t need to physically be there because I have the software I need for it on my laptop. So I am continuing to work on my project this whooole time. The deadline was that Friday and we were presenting in front of the class and a guest. I was still ill but sucked it up bc it was a presentation. I went to school early to print my project and my sweet boyfriend drove me because he knew I was having a hard time. So I didn’t bring my wallet. Big accident. I went to print my presentation at our printing lab(11 x 17 sheets) and after a freaking insane amount of time wasted because the front desk people weren’t there, I realized that they only take the school cash and my school ID was in my wallet at home. At this point class had already started and I was PANICKING. I could feel my face getting hot and my body shaking. I went outside to get some cool air but it did not help. I was having a panic attack and crying and hyperventilating. I called my boyfriend and said screw this come pick me up because I’m not going in empty handed to explain why I have no presentation while I’m full on sobbing in front of my peers and a guest. 
I did send him an email before I left and explained what happened. I was SO embarrassed. I profusely apologized, accepted a grade penalty, and explained my mental health issues because this had to do with that and I’ve been able to be open with professors of the same college before with no problem. He didn’t email me back ever, which I was like what the fuck because that was a serious email. 
So the next Monday I’m still feeling like shit so I go to the on campus doctor. I have a sinus infection, my ears are clogged so i can’t hear, snot is constantly falling from my nose, I’m constantly coughing. It’s gross. While I’m there I figure I will get a note to excuse last week. The doctor wrote that I was ill last week and the day that I came in, signed and dated it. I sent my professor this email to explain why I was so sick and again he didn’t answer me. 
Fast forward to a few days later and my antibiotics aren’t working. The doctor had prescribed me amoxicillin but I do better with augmentin. I should have mentioned that to him but it didn’t occur to me. I emailed him this note bc it was on the day of class and said my antibiotics are not working this is why I’m not in class. He did not respond for a third time and stated that I would be attending class that Friday. At this point I’m freaking out. He’s purposely ignoring me and I was still incredibly embarrassed and shameful about my panic attack at school so this was just making it worse. 
That Friday I did not go. I know I told him I would. But I can honestly say that I didn’t go because of how fucking anxious I was to see his reaction to me. 
I was a wreck the whole weekend. I cried so hard, had several panic attacks and it was overall not a fun time. My poor boyfriend was doing his best to try to comfort me. He is the only person I talk to other than my therapist. I don’t have any other friends because nobody in my major likes me because of the fact that I miss class a lot and am generally really quiet. My mom has told me its my fault they don’t like me. 
He actually ended up cancelling class on that Monday which was a relief for me! So I went on Wednesday. I talked to my therapist that morning and we had planned that I would go in at the start of class and bring him my notes and tell him I wanted to show him my project. I went to go pull out my laptop and pulled up my project to discuss it with him. He came up to me and asked me if these notes were the ones I emailed him. I said yes, I brought them because you never responded to me and I wanted to make sure you got them. He said with an attitude “well you have a lot of unexcused absences”. I started to say something but I only got out “I can-“ at which point he cut me off and said (while there were other students around bc we were at my desk) “I don’t know what you’re going to do but you’re not going to pass”, and this part is fuzzy because I was already blindsided at this point, but he said something to the effect of “and fix whatever else is going on” which I took personally as a jab at my mental health. and then walked away from me and proceeded to call another student up to him to discuss their project. 
I sat there in disbelief. What the fuck. Right? What the fuck? If I don’t pass this class I will not graduate. If I don’t graduate I lose my job. My family will be SO disappointed, especially my mother who is taking on debt for me to attend college. I sat there for a few minutes and tried to work. I could feel myself getting worked up and I could feel the panic coming. My eyes started watering and I had to get the fuck out of there.  I went outside and didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t call my boyfriend because I knew he was in an exam at the time. I tried calling my therapist but she didn’t answer which I totally understand because she’s super busy but I thought I would try anyways. 
I took a walk around campus to try to calm down but I eventually ended up behind some dumpsters sobbing and hyperventilating. I called my dad who I have a great relationship with now (not so much when I was younger) and he was really supportive, he talked to me until my boyfriend got out of his exam and could drive me home. 
I’m at a loss. I attended work the next day and broke down there. They sent me home. I spent the whole day hating myself and sobbing. I have one friend in my major who I consider a very close friend if not my best friend even if I’m not hers. We have been friends for 3 years and she knows almost every detail of my life. I told her about this and she said I needed to meet with the head of our major. She helped me organize my thoughts and write out an email and I sent it last night. 
Now it’s today and I woke up crying, I genuinely had for the first time suicidal thoughts. My head was pounding and I couldn’t stop obsessing over this. My therapist called me and talked with me for 10 minutes which I appreciate more than she will ever know. She literally talked me off the ledge, she called me while I was sobbing. 
Fast forward and I grew some balls and went to studio. I went straight to my desk and my friend who sits across from me completely ignored me. She didn’t look at me or anything even when I spoke to her directly (which was really only a little conversation but she avoided eye contact) So I just worked on my stuff the whole studio, which is 4 hours long. I wanted to just work on my project but something unexpected happened and my professor assigned an assignment that was due at the end of class, something that he never does. I think he did this bc he thought I wouldn’t be there today. He avoided looking at me the entire class and when he went around to everyone’s desks he went to mine last. Our assignment was to hand draw 5 separate detailed items of our project. He told us a specific example to use, which coincidentally I was already thinking of doing, so I drew it. He came over to me and told me he didn’t get why I put it there and what it has to do with anything. Then he went to the girl next to me and she was like “I don’t know what to draw” and he told her she could draw what I just fucking drew. At the end of class he went around again and spoke to everyone again once except me. 
And now here I am. I really don’t know what to do. I hate myself because I know this situation is my fault and I should have just gone to class. If you made it this far I really really appreciate it. I needed to get this out.",moderate
dev_pid_1770,"Just started a job and I hate everything again : So idk if this is normal cause this is my first job. But I’m a night stocker at a grocery store and ever since I started a week ago I’ve hated everything. I’ve started to hate waking up again. I was getting better. No cutting less breakdowns but now it’s all back. My arms are all scabbed up and I’ve been either incredibly pissed off or in tears depressed. Idk if it’s just one of those translations or the job fucking me up. I hate it with my entire being but the place I want to work at won’t be open till sometime in May, most likely later. Idk what to do cause if I quit I’ll have to look for another job and I’ll feel awful because I literally just started but I think it’s taking a huge chunk of my mental health.",moderate
dev_pid_1771,"I done fucked up : I am at this point in life where I realize I that my ex actually was the best person that ever came into my life. I broke up with her because I had the feeling that I couldn't give her enough attention or that I just didn't deserve her. Just a bit before new years eve I realized this and since then, I haven't been happy for one single moment in my life. literally never since then. I told her and I thought that she would take me back because she did before... But she had already found someone else. We talked about everything and I explained to her the things she didn't understand about why I broke up with her. This sh\*t is just pushing me deeper and deeper in my feelings... And I know that if she wouldn't have met the other guy she would take me back... I hate myself for what I did and don't know how to keep going on with my life without being sad every moment that I life.",moderate
dev_pid_1772,"Today has been one of my worst lows in a long while : I see a therapist every other week, and I have a psychiatrist that prescribes me anti depressants. I've been working on my self esteem, self worth, depression, and all sorts of issues over the past 2 years. But every once in a while I just get a wave of depression that hits me hard.
Today I feel like complete shit. I'm tired as hell, nothing brings me joy, and I can't stop thinking about my ex. I have absolutely no one I can talk to in my life about some of the stuff that bothers me. I had one friend that basically stopped talking to me without telling me why. 
I hate seeing the whole world live happier lives than I do. I don't hate the world, I hate myself for not having the strength to put myself out there and do something with my life. I don't hate other people for being in happy relationships, I hate myself for being so goddamn cowardly and too afraid to talk to women. I just feel fucking hopeless.",moderate
dev_pid_1773,"Paralyzed : I have done nothing today. I've laid in bed on my phone mostly. I feel gross. I'm hungry. I have so much to do. I want to shower and eat. Nothing entertains me or interests me at all. I just cant make myself get up and move and do anything. I feel so stuck here, totally paralyzed. Does anyone have any advice or anything to help me out? I just cant seem to move.",moderate
dev_pid_1774,"Might be the wrong place : But does anyone else ever worry that they're going insane?
Today I think I reached a sort of breaking point for stress because it was like someone flipped a light switch - i thought I was going crazy.
I didnt feel normal for an extended amount of time - i couldnt tell you how long..but it was almost like id taken drugs.
Im not quite normal yet, still feeling very disturbed.
Is this part of my depression?",moderate
dev_pid_1775,"Struggling for over a month now and the end seems no where near. : You know how it goes. I don’t even have the energy to really explain. Everyday I say tomorrow will be better. Woke up at 1 pm today but got over 12 hours of sleep, of course that makes me feel even more like shit. I have the most insane vivid dreams lately it gets really heard to wake up from them.
The house is not bad but it could be a lot better. I don’t have anything to say to anyone and I can’t bring myself to do the things I love. 
I guess I’m just looking for some words of encouragement or understanding. Always makes me feel a bit better knowing I’m not alone in this feeling. Sorry if this wasn’t very coherent thoughts, I have no energy to write out what I’m really thinking.",moderate
dev_pid_1776,"I hate everything about my life right now : Literally, there's not one single thing I can enjoy or ""take pride in"". Fixing it is going to take years (probably at least a decade) and I don't know if I want to put that much effort into it, tbh.",moderate
dev_pid_1777,"Dating; when you are overlooked by guys (they choose the more attractive women) and this enhances your depression and low self esteem : (I also posted this in the ' dating' and 'introvert' subreddit)
This post might aound superficial but it really js a common theme in my life, other people seem better and more deserving and get what they want.
So i made a post a while ago about a female collegue and I that liked the same guy at work. He is not a direct collegue but comes by at work to hang up flyers. He is in the music industry and does some promotion on the side. 
So my female collegue is really pretty and sexy.  A lot of guys like her and fall in love with her or like her for sex, in both ways she is very popular. Also she is bisexual and open about sex and while she is kind of perfect because she is very pretty and sexy, she also has a kind of girl next door look and vulnerability (some mental issues) that ironically make her even more appealing.
The only annoying part about her is that she talks a lot about her self and her dates and her 'guys'. Even on my birthday she forgot it was my birthday but talked endlessly about the date she had last night. She seems to like to be the centre of attention, and if she isn't she will say or behave in a certain way that does maker her the centre of attention.
So we like the same guy that comes to work once every week. A few months ago she almost wanted to ask the him out but then suddenly met someone else, a friend of a friend. They got into a relationship for a while. At that moment i thought i might as well give it a go and asked the guy out that we both liked. He turned me down and told me he had a girlfriend.  At that moment i felt like this wasn't true and he just wasn't into me. I was a bit dissapointed of course to be rejected.
My female collegue now broke it off this week with her boyfriend. As much as she was crazy in love and into him and had to hear stories about them being in love, now she is suddenly over him  And now she and the guy from work that i also like are going to DATE.!!! He asked her out so that means he doesn't have a girlfriend and prefers my collegue over me😥
I don't know what i expect from this post but i just wanted to vent and get some sympathy I guess and to hear that i still matter even though guys will prefer 'better' girls and that i still matter even though i feel like other people are 'gettting' everything, or have it all.",moderate
dev_pid_1778,"Need help with dealing with depression alone : Hey, here the backstory to my problem but feel free to skip it and go down to the TL,DR section at the bottom
 I'm 28, still living at home and I've been unemployed for almost a year because of my depression and anxiety  
My family doesn't really understand since they're from the former Soviet Union so misery for them is just something you just gotta power through but unfortunately, I'm unable to do that and I hate living here because they make me feel like a weak fuckup
 A friend of mine knows this so she suggested that I'll move in with her and her boyfriend  
I told her not to give me hope because if it doesn't work out, I'll be truly lost  
I still did it because I had literally no other options and the new place made me feel better, although it still didn't fully ''cured'' me so I still had issues with finding a job or finding a way to close my debts  
I lived with them for the duration of the month of February and then she told me that they can't live with me since it's a strain on them which meant I had to go back home
 Feeling hopeless, I decided to slit my wrists but I didn't want to die sober so I drank 4\\5 of a bottle of rum, snorted 2 of her Wellbutrin pills and just passed out  
I woke up and realized that I'm still alive and I still have to move back home so I went to her and gave a hug, thanked her for trying to help and for some reason, I just broke down  
Went back to my room, drank what's left of the bottle and snorted another pill because I was gonna slit my wrists anyway but due to my weakened state (I couldn't stop sobbing hard or even stand up), I just managed to scratch my wrists
 Unbeknown to me, when I start breaking down, they called the paramedics and police  
When they arrived, I hid my arm with the sleeves of my jacket and sat up on my bed  
Being the gifted faker that I am, I mustered the power to just put on the best poker face I could and convinced them that's everything is cool  
Since no one knew I tried to kill myself, no one could take me by force to the mental hospital
 My friend used the ol' ""please do it for me"" and I agreed to check in the mental hospital and told them that I tried to commit suicide  
They checked me in and I realized that I don't belong there since it was less for people with depression and more for people with severe mental issues like schizophrenia and the like  
I'm maybe depressed and suicidal but I'm well aware of my surroundings and I have a clear mind so I was just stuck with people you couldn't even talk to  
Spent the night there, talked to the doctors in the morning and they just asked me if I think I belong there so I told them no  
They told me fair enough and released me, without even caring that I tried to kill myself or offer any help  
My friend came to pick me up and dropped me at my family's home (who have no idea that all of this went down) and later that day, dropped all my stuff from their apartment
4 people know about the whole deal which are that couple, another friend of mine and my ex-girlfriend  
You'd think that after trying to commit suicide and being in a place that makes me wanna do it even more, they'd come to visit me or at least call  
I tried telling her that I'm not gonna kill myself anytime soon but I'm planning on just rotting here and she told me only I can help myself  and told me to read a few self-help books that helped her  
The other friend, who texted me when I checked in the mental hospital, didn't talk to me since  
I tried reaching out to my ex and she told me it's too much for her to deal with
I'm not blaming any of them, depression is a motherfucker and it affects not only the sick person but the people around them too so it's extremely hard to deal with a depressed person  
I just resent the fact that they told me that I'm important to them and that they love me yet won't actually help me even when I do try reaching out or even telling them specifically what they can do to help me  
So now I'm praying I'll get a fatal disease, get killed somehow or OD because then it won't be ""my fault""  
I've tried taking Cipralex for a few months but it doesn't work at all and the side effects are too shitty so I stopped taking it a few days ago
TL,DR - Is it possible to help myself with my depression when I got no one who will help me, got no supporting family, no job and no faith in the mental health system?  
I've tried eating healthy, exercising and being in the sun but it's not really doing anything  
I think that if I was in a supportive environment with people who wouldn't see me as a burden, I could be better but there's no such place for me",moderate
dev_pid_1779,Want to end it : Today i had a driving class and didnt felt like going because of my recent dark thoughts. This led to my mom and dad getting super angry over it and them telling me that I was worthless and that they were super unlucky for having me as a child. Its crazy how even the ones that you think love you the most and maybe even the only ones dont really care about you. I dont have much friends and I feel like no one truly likes me. :(,moderate
dev_pid_1780,"I am a ghost : I’ve been to the bottom and scraped along it. I held my life in my hands multiple times. Now I’m not at the bottom but I’m not at the top. I’ve become a dead man walking, a ghost. No will or purpose yet not dead. Just alive riding the wave of life and what others have destined for you. Even at your best you aren’t good enough for others and at your worst you are just wasted space. Traveling around the void of earth deluded of purpose or meaning. Lost in a sea of unknown. Alone even when people are all around you. I am a ghost. It is far worse then death.",moderate
dev_pid_1781,"I have trouble thinking : I strugle to reflect as I usually did, it's like I'm overly focused on nothing and my brain is running on empty. I can only think about short sentences or a couple words at a time, I feel like my mind is braked. Besides that I feel a bit anxious all the time, and it's like I can't have fun or relax anymore.
It must probably have something to do with my new job in the army which is pretty stressful and mind-numbing, but I still can't decide if I should quit my job or not. Did anyone already get this problem and know how to deal with it?",moderate
dev_pid_1782,"I’m just gonna vent, some condolences would be nice : I’ve been dealing with a lot rn, one of my online friends, we’ll call her K, went offline for a whole week, I presumed she got in a car crash or something since she’s always online, so while i was calling another one of my friends (we’ll call him A) he told me that K was just on invisible mode and made an alt so that I wouldn’t be able to play with her. Then a few days later she pops up and is like “hey” and I’m mad, but I play it off and we talk and then she starts venting to me, and after she’s venting and receiving my helping words, I ask her to see if she can call up one of my other friends cuz she hasn’t been online in a while either. She says no and starts arguing about how I care so much about that one friend, and how it feels like I don’t care about any of them, though I did. So I confronted her about how she ghosted me for a week, she had so reason, so I blocked that b*tch. And now today, A messaged me and was like “omg ugly-pig needs to stop acting so childishly” and so on. I just tried to go and play some roblox a minute ago, but no, I forgot I gave K my password like a year ago, and she hacked into my roblox account, so far she’s spent over 1.5k robux out of my 4K on aesthetic clothes that she knows I hate. So great, A and K both talked s*it behind my back and they both teamed together and hacked my acc (she friended A’s acc on my acc that’s how I know) so now I lost 2 of my friends of like 3 years",moderate
dev_pid_1783,"I dont wanna be alive any more : Since 2018 I have suicidal thoughts and nothing has changed my friends feel distant my family treats me like shit I feel alone I feel like no one would care if I comited suicide nothing in my life has changed I told one of my friends about this but he just pretended to care for one day then he didnt talk to me unless he needed something from me I want to ask my family to bring me to a psychologist but I dont know how to do it
also I feel stupid telling my problems to the other people I dont wanna drag atention it makes me feel uncomfortable im confused im sad I feel realy angry 
I WANT TO DIE",moderate
dev_pid_1784,"Final thoughts. Just wanted to deposit some feelings. : I don't know why I'm here and I don't know if this will make a difference.
But I really just needed to deposit some thoughts.
I'm tired of (this) life. I've got no real friends and don't really feel connected to anyone. It's always been like this and I've always been the odd one in every social group I've been. I just haven't felt sincerely understood for a while and I just can't find happiness in things anymore. I feel like a monster, I'm miserable of myself. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore at this point. Every day is just worse and worse, I just feel so humiliated and embarrassed about myself, I've got nothing and no one. I've always been an outcast, and I feel like I just wasn't supposed to be (and I actually was an accident indeed, I found out recently). This phase of my life has been going on for the past 4 years of my life and I'm tired of fighting myself and lying to myself everyday that things will get better.
I'm not stupid, I know that nobody sincerely wants to listen to my struggles, and if anything I can't blame these people, I wouldn't care about myself too if I were them. Not even professionals, who get paid daily to help you cope with these kind of things actually care about your well being at the end of the day. Nobody cares about me, it's simple, I've always been that person you go to because you're friends aren't around (or you don't even have any). And I've always been that person that you'd pick the last on the team when you're a captain of a sports game. You wouldn't notice me if were gone, in fact, you wouldn't care or even be happy, some of you have even explicitly told me that you'd wish I were gone. 
I'm not good at anything and probably won't ever be, I just don't have anything to be recognized for. I offer nothing as a person and if anything I feel like a deadly weight to the people I care about, everyday. No matter how hard I've tried, I've tried both my hardest and not at all at times. People just don't like me, no matter what I do. I dislike myself too, I'm tired of this life, I'm just tired of all of this. I'm contemplating suicide, but just haven't figured out when and where to do it. I know sooner or later I'll probably go through with it though. This pain is just stronger than any emotion I've felt in my life. Yes, I've tried meds... but if anything they made it just harder for me to naturally find joy in things.
I see all these talented people commenting on here about how they're feeling the same way as I do, but sincerely they just deserve the world. I'm one of the few people and probably the only person who deserves to feel this way, because I'm just a miserable person. 
I just wanted to get my feelings out there and want some of you all to know that you're not alone in this and that I sincerely think you deserve the world! I couldn't ever wish my pain to anyone. And please, if you read this, treat yourself well. 
I'm sorry. Goodbye.",moderate
dev_pid_1785,"I do not want sympathy. All i want is to people to listen and tell me what they think of it. Even if i am a lost case, i still want to do something of my life. : I was born with a blood duesorder that may or may not be good or bad. Doctors are confusing. I got bit recently by an insect that gave me the Lym disease with my mom. When i talk about my issues, people think that i am negative. I recently entered college and barely made any froends, and those that talk to me don’t care about hanging out(i used to have friends in high school, i was kinda popular in senior year(because popular people adopted me, like we say in high school). Nothing better to do, i join the gym in college(weirdly, this is the thing that actually brings me join and makes me happy. I read and watch videos about fitness and muscle building. I actually smile when i do so. Everyday, i try to change my personality slightly to find one that suits me because i have none. I try and people find me unconsistant because of it. But all i want is to be myself and find people i can call friends who are kinda likr me. But i can’t because i dont even know who i am. Beleive me i tried. But my issue is that whenever i try something, i slowy become good at it and then love it. I am not pretentious, most of the time i adapt fast at things. Im a blob with no personality. No real friend, obviously no girlfriend, nothing special in my life except the gym. And on top of the cake, i am ugly haha. I trued to grow my hairs, but, they just don’t grow. My lips are chapped no matter what i put on it. My face is way more darker than my face, when i don’t even go out.  My eyebrows are small af. The gym is supposed to help but my diet is not on point because i still live with my paremts and thisnmales it really really hard to have a diet on point(don’t tell me to cook for myslef, i tried and it’s impossible in this environment). I wished i was different, i wish i could be better. People out there probably have it worse than me ik. And i am not here to get encouraging comments. All i want is advices and people to listen to me. I do bot care what you think of me right now. I wanted to talk and that’s what indid. Hope someone that reads this manage to pull themselves together before they end up like me. Good day to you all.",moderate
dev_pid_1786,"Could it be depression ? : I still didn't talk with a professional, because I'm not sure if I have psychological problems. These are my symptoms : 
\- I got angry with 4 of my closest friends
\- I have mood issues, I can feel good, but then feel bad in the middle/end of the day
\- I have self harm thoughts, and done it 2 times this week (cuts but without blood, they are minimal)
\- Thinking that I'm not good enough, feeling guilty a lot 
\- Constantly looking for affection
\- Some anxiety",moderate
dev_pid_1787,"Everything is my fault. No one tells me otherwise either. : Anytime I have an issue I tell my mom about it and try to get help. Naturally she doesn't just want my therapist to help, she wants to help too. So I try to tell her what's wrong. She's 90% of the time the problem so I tell her she's the problem and then she tells me why she does those things that hurt me all the time. Telling me in essence that everything that happens to me is my fault. I'm not saying none of it is my fault, but I'd appreciate some support, maybe she could change her approach with me, make some attempt to make it better. Instead I'm just told it's all my fault and why it is. So I blocked my mother on every platform imaginable just waiting for her to freak the fuck out when I inevitably have to see her. I'm starting to believe it all is my fault, I mean shit no one's telling me otherwise. Not even my therapist. I don't know how to fix anything either. It's a bunch of feeling like shit all the time. I don't particularly go out of my way to cause my mother to be mad or feel like shit. Most of her issues are her untreated issues that she takes out on me.",moderate
dev_pid_1788,"my depression never ends (vent) : so basically 2 years ago out of nowhere I stopped enjoying life and having any type of energy or passion. i remember i gradually slipped into this funk and i haven't been able to shake it since. (three years prior until then, i had situational depression and used to cry a lot but there were still good times where i could genuinely enjoy life and smile and feel good on the inside.) fast forward 2 years later, and my life hasn't improved but instead is worse. i feel slow, tired, stupid, and just ""meh"" all of the time. my head feels like it's stuffed with cotton and everything seems distant. i long for the days where i could do more than just sit around not being able to bring myself to do anything, where i would sit glued to a project until i finished it. the pure joy and excitement...i don't even remember how it feels. now i save anything i would have loved (songs, movies, experiences, etc.) for the time if i get better because i wouldn't be able to appreciate it otherwise. 
i've tried to combat all i feel by eating better and exercising, and it did nothing. for at least 4 months i've been taking bupropion xl (300ml) on top of this, and i don't even feel a smidge better. i work a high-stress job, and my sister and her husband whom i live with refuse to sympathize and just assume the worst about me. like i just don't care about anything/anyone and i'm just selfish etc. etc. like they try to be nice about it but disapproval is so clearly written on their faces. they want me to grow up and go out and live like my peers...they judge my feelings and actions, they don't understand my struggles at all AT ALL, yet they get upset when i don't open up to them. their expectations increase while i'm just trying to keep my head on straight and get a different job/move out/do whatever enables me to keep living so i don't just lose it and kill myself. 
idk yall :/",moderate
dev_pid_1789,"I know I just posted, but there's a lot going on : None of my best friends have ever considered me their best friend. I invite people to things, vacations, going to arcades and things, all types of stuff like that, either just me and a couple friends, or just my family and that friend. No one ever does it back for me. I've never been invited on vacation, I've never had someone decide they specifically want me to go to something with them. I'm always the afterthought, or I don't even get asked at all. Meanwhile everyone around me is getting invited to things or has things they are going to with their friends. My girlfriend was telling me just simple things she did or does with her friend in college and I had to leave, go outside and throw up and cry because it hurt so much that I've never experienced something like that. Maybe this isn't something that important, I just wish someone wanted me specifically around for something. I thought my girlfriend was that way, she asked me to read a book to watch a movie with her, and then she went up to visit the previously mentioned friend in college and watched it with her. After we had a conversation about it beforehand where I asked her not to. Then she said ""oh I forgot I'm sorry. I've just been on autopilot for a while"". I can understand that, but she didn't forget because that night before she left she said ""oh we'll watch the movie tomorrow morning when I get back"". So she didn't forget, she just didn't care. No one fucking cares. I'm no one's first choice and I never have been. It's not going to change either, I'm not particularly special for any reason and I'm not particularly good at anything. So I guess it makes sense no one specifically wants me around, I don't have any specific qualities.",moderate
dev_pid_1790,"I'm bad person :) : I trying to fix myself, for example stop lie, so i trying first time to tell story about my real life and not lie (at least anonimus). 
I from east europe. My family not rich, but i always had home, food and i think even love. I will tell things i thing inportant for me.
My father then i was kid punish me around 0-3 times per week. I think i was good kid who was very active and who make a lot stupy mistakes. Thats why then i was kid i lied always a lot. First time then i felt lie is good was in 2 school year. Somethink happen and i with teacher go out of class. Don't remember if she cry before or after, but i told how it's hard for me, becouse ""father lost finger"" (it was lie). My feeling mixed about this event. I have problems with bullying me, but it wasn't hard for me. I had friends, my best friend and i was good student (avarge my result was \~8,6 till 9 school year) 
Secound big lie witch i remember was with my best friends friend, i liked her so i told a lot fake story about myself and everyone. I think i remember this becouse it didn't worked. it was in 9-10 class
My life started fuck up in 8 school years. My parents started divorce in hard way: 2 years process, 18 police calls, runing from our home to live in ""help centre"" and so on. We started have money problems, but everythink worked in good way. I remember this moments then we all worked togever. After 6 months ""family protection"" blocked my father from living in our home and after 6 months everythink was almost ok. 
I was studying in art school. Also my mom was teacher in same school. With new school year, i organized class party in forest and from this moment i started drink, first time didn't comeback home becouse i found nice girl in concert :) Becouse our school had many room to practice, we drinked in school, miss lessons and so on. It was fun moments. 
I started missing about 80+ lessons per semester. In 10 school year i lost best friend. He didn't wanted share music cd, so i stolen for a day and copy it. He saw it, after he few friends teached me ""lesson"", i told about it for director. All class started protect him and at this moment i thinked my life is ending, but in same week my happen even bigger disaster. My granny die. I didn't come to school about 2-3 months. 
I not remeber much, but then i comeback to school, my goal was to stay repeat school year, becouse my music teacher told me i will never get in university, so i wanted get more time. For me teacher was like a father and i think it was biggest mistake in my life :( So i convinced my mom, i want move to other school where my music teacher learning and i did everythink to fuck up my school, becouse i wanted to reapeat year. But becouse my mom was school teacher, she fixed it. 
After i moved to new art school i lied about my class and they taked me in same school year.. They didn't check my papers, just trusted my word (i not joking). This school was worse, but had much strong music students from my instrument.
After i started study, most people was from my perspective losers. Everythink was easy for me. Everyone was drinking and smoking so i join them. In winter i found love in internet 300km away and i started autostop a lot and miss lessons. I missed in first simester around 50+ lessons, in secound \~150, gf left me and after a lot drama i was expelled from school. 
I had grandpa in my girlfriends town, i got idea to move here. I worked hard and got to good art school. The idea was to show how good i'm for my ex-gf. For my family this big city was last place where i could continue my studies so they supported my again. With first school papers i got to 11 year school. 
Started my golden year. Before semester i found way how to make money on the street, started party nonstop, got a lot friends and so on. In new school i come like rock star. I had amazing music group and had many activities non stop. I found 2nd GF in my class for 3-4 weeks after i left her becouse i didn't started it and i started to be boring with her. After i left her, i had problems with class again school again.. but before i also was missing lessons, just now started even more. I think first semester i missed \~80, and secound \~140. Again a lot drama in family..
After i fuck up, i comeback to my home town and i was trying to finish last 2 years in adult school. I didn't told about it for anyone. In this adult school nobody care if you are in lessons or not, just tell them u are working and you not need to go. So i lied and i always was drinking, parting and autostoping every week from 700-1200 km to play with my band, meet friends and so on. 
My look i think was 4-5 max, but i found gf who i think was 10 (now she is profesional pole dancer). We were able to be togever 3+ years. I lied to her a lot about my past. For example i told, i before was drug dealer and so on.. I told many good real stories, but it was not enouth for me. I was hiding fact, i was studing in adult school for a year i think. After i told, but don't know why. She supported me. 
After i finish studie i with my family moved to other country. After few months GF left me and it was hard time for me. I was not going to language lessons, but i didn't wanted learn stupy language with idiots who can't read so i was played everyday 11-16 hours in small music school. My family thinked everythink is ok, until they got info about me from school. After this i started learn in curses for working in shop, but at the same time, i registrated to university and i manige get in. In university exam i lied to profesors how i had punk green haircloth (actualy i had only long her and only 1 times i painted them...)  
And i thinked again i'm superman, relaxed and started play computer games. In summer i got weight from 95kg to 115kg. University was not in english, it was language witch i know only basic things. First lessons was easy for me, but i didn't feel in right place. After main music teacher pressure i didn't come back. I stay at home and played games until I was expelled from university. I still didn't told for anyone about it.
Now i'm 160kg and 30 years old. I never worked in my life, living on minimum money whitch i get from my mom. She thinks i finished university, working, just can't surivive without help. I know this gona finish, but i wish to live like this more. 
I had idea about killing myself but i don't want to die. I know i will always find they how to be piece of shit and keep my lies safe forever, but i wish to change. 
My plan is:  
1. Stop lie and learn to say things who I really am and can be proud of myself.  
2. Start doing sports, becouse now i can't normal move..  
3. Find fucking job.
But it's almost inposible and i trying to find way to do it.
I feel bad about many things, but i think i'm not bad person.   
I not feel bad about lies, i feel bad about not being good in some situation. I can't delete them or accept it.  
I don't know how to work. For now everythink i have is my moms money..  
Shit live i have now is ok for me, it's hard to imagine somethink better..  
I hate school.  
I love music, but i can't listen it anymore without hating everythink about it.  
Now i writing from 20 square room with 4 month trash and beetles.
So ye, my life and i suck :) But maybe some good advice will come also i want to see people reaction to my life.",moderate
dev_pid_1791,"I don't remember the last time I was happy... : Hi everyone!  
I'm lying in my bed, wondering what happened. M 29YO.  
Living in Eastern Europe is hard for me. All my friends left in a search of a better life abroad. I do not have any friends here, and messaging my ""ex"" friends abroad had become hard. We are losing contact as time goes by. And I understand that they met new people.  
I work as a freelancer from home, so there are no co-workers I can be friends with.   
I gained weight, I lost some of my teeth. I look like shit. Even if I had someone to talk to, I would feel ashamed of myself. I can't smile.   
I have suicidal thoughts, but there is a part of me that is still fighting. I am just scared that the part will go silent. I do not want to live a miserable life anymore.  
And I never felt loved. Who would want me? I gave up the last 5 years.   
Last night was hard, I got drunk by myself and passed out. I had this feeling that I do not care about my life anymore. Days are passing by and I can not catch up with life anymore. I had a dream where I was at a big parking lot with huge trucks, and somehow they are started driving towards me and ignoring my screams to stop. I could not escape and they killed me.  
I woke up and my right leg was covered in blood, my PC desk was broken, and my hand hurt a lot.  
Trying to stop the trucks from killing me, I started screaming and jumped from my bed and just started hitting everything around me. All while dreaming.  
This morning I felt different, the situation gave me a moment to observe my life and to take a few deep breaths.   
I just sent an email to a local dentist to see if I can get fixed as a first step.   
Today I feel good, I feel like I am doing something for the long run. 
I wish you all the best, whoever is reading this.",moderate
dev_pid_1792,"Why do I have so many mood swings? : I’m a male in my late 20s, and my moods change sometime from hour to hour, day to day. I get very depressed, angry, and sometimes happy and impulsive. I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s a challenge to stay productive and interact with other people. I try to stay fit, but I’m so moody and upset. I lash out at people all the time and I used to be a very nice and strong person. Sometimes I feel very effeminate. Not trying to be misogynistic, but I literally feel like crying several times a day over small things. I think people are being mean to me when they’re just making conversation. I used to be very masculine. What is happening? Any advice would be much appreciated.",moderate
dev_pid_1793,"easy ways to die? : i don’t care don’t even try to talk me out of this you can’t i just need someone to respond please. what are ways to kill yourself 
i’m not trying bleach or anything stupid like that 
pills don’t work and to painful and just ew no
i don’t have access to a gun 
i don’t have a rope 
i was wondering what happens if you jump infront of a train, will i die for sure, what’s the chance I won’t die? please just fucking help me get the fuck out of this place my life is a straight up living hell on fucking repeat. i’ve been going through this for almost my entire life and i can’t take it anymore please help me end it all please",moderate
dev_pid_1794,"Why do I have so many mood swings? (28m) : Why do I have so many mood swings?
I’m a male in my late 20s, and my moods change sometime from hour to hour, day to day. I get very depressed, angry, and sometimes happy and impulsive. I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s a challenge to stay productive and interact with other people. I try to stay fit, but I’m so moody and upset. I lash out at people all the time and I used to be a very nice and strong person. Sometimes I feel very effeminate. Not trying to be misogynistic, but I literally feel like crying several times a day over small things. I think people are being mean to me when they’re just making conversation. I used to be very masculine. What is happening? Any advice would be much appreciated.",moderate
dev_pid_1795,"My high school friends just let me know they're going on holiday without me this summer. : I saw it coming, actually. We haven't seen each other much in the past few months and it wouldn't make sense to go me this year. Yet reading the text message still hurt a lot. It's like a confirmation that we aren't really friends anymore and it fuels the insecurities I have about my social skills. At least it was nice of them to let me know so I wouldnt have to find out via some instagram post or snapchat.
It sucks because I think my depression mostly comes from the fact that I feel really disconnected from my uni friends even though I'm much better friends with them than I've ever been with my high school friends. It's like my brain is still stuck in the past and I can't emotionally connect to new people anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_1796,"Depression kicks in every 2nd week : Im not sure if its depression or not. But i go from everything is fine for a week and then out of  nowhere i feel so sad, i almost feel that i can feel my brain pounding. This usually lasts about a week and then gone. Back to normal.
This has been going on abojt 2 years now.... dont know if this is depression, if this is some type of other disorder... but i do know that its getting worse and worse and worse...",moderate
dev_pid_1797,I keep losing interest. : I love drawing as you can see on my profile. But idk why I just keep losing interest. I cant stay focused. Its gotten so bad that I cant even sit through a ten minute YouTube video without clicking off because I lose interest. I also have ADHD. But during this I feel like what's even the point I just dont know what's going on. I don't want to lose interest in the things I love.. I get so  bored and I'm also isolating myself because I find texting my friends mentally exhausting I havent spoken to him since Thanksgiving. Idk what's going on,moderate
dev_pid_1798,"Exhausted : Everything in my life has seemed to just have been completely turned upside down. For the last year I’ve gone through being seriously sick. I then found out I needed surgery (one of my biggest fears). I had to face it our I’d continue to be sick constantly, and quite frankly my tonsils could’ve ended up killing me. I was on a shit ton of meds from surgery and to keep the pain down even before surgery. I lost muscle mass, and a lot of weight. I am a figure skater so all this made it hard to come back both physically and socially since I hadn’t been at my rink regularly in months. After that I started taking birth control which completely destroyed everything. I was fighting with everyone. I was constantly nauseous. Since I also wouldn’t eat I couldn’t gain weight after surgery. It feels like since I got off it my brain chemistry is completely changed still. I am very emotionally exhausted and have little motivation for anything in my life. My doggy best friend of most of my life died at the begging of last month. I had to say goodbye twice in one week when I didn’t want to. My dog and my therapist who left for private practice. Now I am having to get used to a new therapist in possibly the toughest time. To top all this off I couldn’t even enjoy my birthday because I got food poisoning which led me to vomiting. Which I have a major phobia of. Now I am faced with getting my license, a job, earning a GED and transitioning into being an independent functioning adult. I have no clue what to do anymore. Everyone is just upset with me because I am an emotional mess and a hassle. I don’t want everyone to do everything for me. I just don’t really want to be here anymore. I keep thinking I can switch off the pain I am in. I know I can’t. I feel completely lost.",moderate
dev_pid_1799,I've got nothing : I have no one that loves me and no one that cares everyone either pretends I don't exist or bullies me I tried to end it all but failed I'm stupid and worthless and I can't even kill myself,moderate
dev_pid_1800,"I'm so alone : I'm 19 and have 0 friends, the only people I talk to are my parents but even then our relationship isnt that deep. I have nobody I can be myself with, I struggle with conversation and find it really hard to keep friends. I'm just afraid to talk and dont know how to unless I'm really familiar with someone, which is super hard when I dont let myself get close to anyone. After breaking up with my ex loneliness really hit me hard, I felt lonely with him but atleast I had 1 person to talk to. Now we've broken up I have absolutely nobody. It's not normal for a 19 to feel like this. I hate being so isolated yet I can only blame myself for it.",moderate
dev_pid_1801,"Every day, multiple times a day, I consider how I will end it... : Which way will be the least painful. So far my most accessible option is a large amount of heroin/fentanyl. Gun would work, but so messy and I don't have a gun (I don't have heroin either, but it's right up the block and easy to obtain).",moderate
dev_pid_1802,"Ik most people reading don’t give a fuck but I don’t have any to say this to so I’m gonna say it on here. : My life is like good I can’t complain, I have a home friends family food on the table and yet I’m so fuckinh suicidal and depressed and idk why. Idk if anyone out there feels the same, like Ur so done with life for no reason, ur sad, mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted but you don’t know why. I fucking hate it it’s killing me. If there is anyone reading this and if feeling the same way please lmk how to deal with it or I might just off myself honestly. 
    -",moderate
dev_pid_1803,"It sucks being the back-up friend : I have a group of friends I've kept in contact with from high school, and we all just graduated college. Fortunately for me, everyone moved to the major city where I attended college and decided to stay. We've mentioned how fortunate and lucky we are that all four of us stayed in touch, actually liked one another in high school, and up to now in the beginning of our young adult lives, but sometimes I feel like the odd man out. 
Like last night, I saw that the three of them went out, and I didn't get the invite, which was fine. But then this morning, our group text was used to talk about brunch plans and everyone was chiming in, which is great. Except the last text in the group before that was me trying to make brunch plans and nobody answered, which makes me feel like nobody wants to hang out if I'm the one initiating plans. Then, they started talking about things that happened last night, and so when I finally just said ""I'm lost,"" one of them explained the situation to me and said that it was an ""impromptu meetup."" 
I may just be overanalyzing this, but the only ways I see the impromptu meetup happening are if they individually texted each other and just didn't want to invite me or that there's a separate group text where I'm left out. It just really stinks because I genuinely think of these guys as my best friends, and I was so excited to have them here in my city. It's selfish to say, but with this happening, it feels less like my city to me and more like theirs where I'm a side character. 
It feels like I'm the back-up friend when it's convenient.",moderate
dev_pid_1804,"People : They are really good at turning your back on you. 
I have been giving my time, my discussions, my laugh and my joy to people that never deserved it. I have waste myself believing that this is what I had to do to make people get to love me and get interested in me. 
I just ruined my present self and today all the things people can say is that I should be like this... I should be like that. Nobody fucking get it. All they are good at is saying the same generic stuff, probably nearly the same as I do now, but at least I am awake about it...
You can't get yourself back that easily. I am not able to rebuild myself. Oh yes it takes time, oh yes of course... Knowing that you have been right all this time having nobody to listen, and later people say the same and everyone claps and wake up... 
What a fucking pathetic world...",moderate
dev_pid_1805,"feeling completely empty & absent, insignificant... hurt (21/F/USA) : Being treated like I am insignificant, irrelevant, or not good enough to be cared about just makes me feel more and more empty and then i proceed to look at myself as if I am a villain and maybe I should just not care about anyone but myself. But I can't do that, let's be real. It's not my nature. 
This has happened all my life, but especially right now someone I thought who cared - I mean they normally do, they were what made me realize, okay at least they really do care about me - they are just treating me like a doormat. a punching bag. they don't care at all what i am doing in my life, how i feel, or the fact that I am completely hurting myself and my life.
Just when things were getting to be alright and now i feel liek i've been flung into this whole other dimension where I am not important. Not even to myself? I am empty. I cannot even feel relevant or real. I don't even wann talk about it, I am just here physically but I don't know man. It's not fun.",moderate
dev_pid_1806,"One thing each day : For the past 10 years I've struggled with depression I have my good and bad days, mainly bad, I've been taking photos to get better at photography (I personally think my photos are great although the web doesn't seem to like them) and I take or edit one each day, never to post most of them. Me and my friend started a YouTube channel a few months ago and it's the same story there, always improving but never with appreciation. My point is that 5 years ago I was majorly in debt with a problem surrounded by people who hates me and I was being crushed under, by keeping myself to myself and allowing myself to heal and working on personal goals things havnt changed much, I've improved as an artist but that's all, no one's perception of me has changed, and that's what makes me realise that it's my attitude towards life that can hurt, I'm alone, I get sad all the time, I still feel depressed hugely, but the difference is I now recognise it as an illness and not self hatred, just a hatred of my perception of the world's perception on me, my point is just grow yourself, take a step everyday towards who you want to be, walk a meter everyday and in less than 3 years you'll have traveled to somewhere to you didn't recognise from where you were stood, I expect no upvotes or downvotes and maybe even some hate but I think it's important to realise the difference between what causes depression and what depression causes. Thanks for listening",moderate
dev_pid_1807,"The dust and the mess of our mornings : I think about killing myself frequently. 
But not so much the act of doing it, more-so the aftermath. My parents or friends coming into my place after not hearing from me for a few days or weeks, only to find my distended, bloated corpse and malnourished dog waiting to greet them.
I don't get upset when I think of ending it all, I get upset at the idea of the aftermath. My dog, suffering alone until someone arrives. My father coming in to the awful smell, too late to talk me out of it. Too late for anything. 
So, I don't do it. I just languish in this swamp of thoughts and disdain. I find myself hopping on to social media to find reprieve in depressing self-loathing memes. It really is a medicine for the weary soul to know others out there are coping with similar thoughts by making funny pictures to share online. 
I'm grateful for that.
I find myself sitting alone most days after work. I come home, pet my dog and watch my favorite news and TV shows. I curse at the screen when I see the leaders of the country I live in lie and cheat and steal. I clinched my teeth when I see pictures and videos of happier people doing happier things in a happier life and I resent them. 
I see a successful person or attractive woman and my heart fills with self-hatred. Some cancerous lesion that flares up whenever I'm reminded that I'm 38 and still haven't found purpose to my existence. 
For some of us, it comes so easily. For others it doesn't come at all. This self-loathing does its best to assign blame to other things and other situations, but in the end it all comes back to me. I've had plenty of opportunity to change, to grow- to be. But I could never muster the will. Even with the things I'm passionate about, Ive found myself held back by insecurity and anxiety. 
I'm a type 1 diabetic. In 2018 I had a heart attack. I have a defibrillator installed below my left collarbone now and have since gained 30 lbs. This all happened because I gave up. I started drinking 18-30 beers a night after work and chain smoking cigarettes. I would find myself trashed on Facebook at 3am casting insults at whoever read my status updates, lashing out at anyone who even seemed like they lived some decent life. I hate everything, but after my heart attack I felt this awakening. 
What a relief to survive all that it was. I went through Hell recovering from it. I thought that it was something keeping me here because my life was going to finally mean something- but it never did. This epiphany of hope became a pillar of salt and in the present I feel more lost than I did before. I don't drink anymore, nor do I smoke cigarettes. Antidepressants ruined my love life and after attempting to change the type I was taking, had a quite terrifying mental episode that I never want to go through again. 
So, now I'm off of them again. Trying to digest life in small bites. Trying to smile in public places and pretend that my life is full of joy, friends and family. It's taxing to pretend, and its full time. It doesn't stop when I'm alone. I pretend alone, too. I ignore what hurts until I can't any longer. Eventually, the people I've loved and lost start seeping back into memory. ancient memories of friends that have died will pop in without provocation and play back in my head over and over. 
I will think of the activities in store for my day and realize don't have any. So I will sit and be afraid that this is it. The weight of these feelings a constant in a life that has nothing going for it that makes me okay to carry on. 
I sleep for long periods of time in hopes that I will fall into a dream or nightmare. In those places I can still see things I miss and people I love. I saw my grandfather last night and though I can't remember hardly anything of the dream now, I remember talking with him then. 
I don't believe there is some omnipotent being looking out for us. I don't believe that my grandfather's presence (or anyone I've lost) is here to nurture and care for us. I think that death is like birth- it's oblivion until you're living it. 
Some endless, dreamless sleep. 
I'm ready to sleep now so long as it doesn't trap me in some afterlife. I'm tired of writing this right now, but I feel like I may add more to it. If anything, I think this has been therapeutic for me. In hindsight, I am angry at myself for writing it. 
I am angry at myself about everything.",moderate
dev_pid_1808,"Situational Depression? Heartbreak : A month ago I had my heart ripped out of my chest. The love of my life decided I was not the love of hers. I had to move out of our shared apartment and back in with my parents. 
The future we'd planned together is gone and I have no one except my family. I feel so alone and I don't know what I want anymore or what I'm supposed to do with a piece of me gone. I'm going through a full blown depression. All I wanted was to be loved. 
She didn't even wait two weeks to start sleeping with others I feel like I'm in hell. I have no purpose, no drive, no friends, and no one loves me.  I'm supposed to start therapy in a week but I don't think ill ever be ok.
I'm 25 m and she was 24 female. 4 year relationship but we knew eachother since we were 15.",moderate
dev_pid_1809,"Depressed and working out : I’ve been suffering off and on (way more on lately) all my adult life of depression to some degree. I managed to stop hating myself for a few months here and there and the extra confidence only gave me a hope that reality destroyed with its way of never being kind to me. I started working out recently which used to give me those happy feeling from the chem dump in the brain, but for the last week I’ve only felt worse after working out and hate myself even more for being such a deficient human being. I let myself over eat for years and became a sloppy fat ass and I’ll never be able to lose all the skin even after losing the weight and thoughts of just not being here anymore are the brightest sparks in my brain. Every other thought just comes in dimly and brings dread and loathing towards myself and the situations I create.",moderate
dev_pid_1810,"I have deep hatred for who I am : I am buried by my thoughts. Trapped in my own mind and I cannot escape. Filled with sadness, but not depression. Feeling like I have no purpose but no reason to die. I do not want to die, I want to live, but for what reason? 
It seems that everything I attempt to do, I fail. My lack of foresight triggers my anxiety like no other. I am so lost in my life. I feel like there’s nothing more for me to do. I have already proved to society that I do not benefit anyone. My presence is unnecessary, life goes on. 
I search for happiness with no result. No matter how hard I try, I am always discouraged and feel like that is nothing I can do to better myself. 
I’m very ugly inside and out. There is nothing good about me. Everything I do is for others. I do not care about myself at all. I’d rather make someone else happy than make myself happy. I always put others before me and I feel so unappreciated. I’m inferior, everyone is better than me. 
I feel like I’ve lost contact with my soul. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m completely institutionalized. Go to school, come home and do homework and do nothing with myself the rest of the day. Rinse and repeat. 
I’m traumatized by my past. I decided in December 2019 that I should off myself. I overdosed on aspirin and took 100 pills, 32,500 mg. It was past the lethal amount. I assumed I wouldn’t wake up the next day and that night was the end of me. The ringing in my ears became so loud after I took the pills that I couldn’t even think. I thought, this is it. The next morning, I woke up, in incredible pain. I said, maybe tomorrow I won’t wake up. So I endured the pain for the rest of the day. Woke up again, hoping the next morning I won’t wake up. I was wrong, the next morning I woke up in the ICU with extensive kidney damage and hearing loss. I thought, I’m not destined to die yet. I couldn’t believe what I had done to myself and that I needed to change. 
Current day, I am no longer depressed but I am not happy. I am empty. I don’t know what to do with my free time and I cannot dispose of my thoughts. I try to escape from my thoughts with drugs and sex but I still feel so incomplete. I feel like a chunk of me has been missing since I overdosed. I feel like I don’t even have a personality anymore. 
I am very sensitive and the smallest things can make me cry. I have always been like that, I’m vulnerable. I feel like my soul is long gone and I can’t retrieve it. I yearn for happiness but I can never find it. I’m not enough for anyone and I can’t fulfill others needs. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to be able to wake up feeling like it’s going to be a good day for once.",moderate
dev_pid_1811,"What if I'm the bad guy? : I [17F] have been bullied and belittled. I always tried to comfort myself by thinking that it's ok because I don't deserve this and one day it'll all be over and I'll be happy. But what if the reason I'm suffering is because I'm the bad guy. I always feel useless, like a burden, like I don't deserve to have the things that I do, like I'm wasting my life. Maybe I feel like this because I'm the bad guy. I've always blamed my bullies for making me feel bad about myself but maybe I deserve to feel bad about myself and this is the worlds way of telling me that I'm the wrong one and I shouldn't be here.",moderate
dev_pid_1812,"I’m going further down the hole that is depression. I see myself in a losing battle. I’ve decided I want to die. But I want to speak with someone about in patient hospital stays. : Just like the title says I just have some questions and personal experiences about in patient hospital stays. Just start a chat with me or send me a message. My questions are like how long are you there, what do you do, has it helped etc.",moderate
dev_pid_1813,"Fighting : I don’t know if many of you are aware but the recently crowned boxing heavyweight champion Tyson Fury struggles with depression. He became champion a few years ago and after that he fell into depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, and gained a massive amount of weight. He tells a story of him realizing in a sudden moment of what he wanted and where he actually wanted to be.... well fast forward 3 years later and he is once again a heavyweight champion. This story truly inspired me and recently I decided that I was going to make a major change in my life. I was going to start exercising, waking up early, making my bed, eating right and I will say it has helped immensely. I know depression is something that goes away over night or goes away at all but I think finding things like motivation from others is key. Currently I’m losing weight and waking up happier than I have been in recents years. From 2018 to last month I was absolutely miserable and depressed. Not to forget I was being mentally abused and manipulated by my ex. I didn’t like where I was in life and I’m ready for the next chapter... a chapter where I change and grow closer to those who care for me and especially god. I know some may not be religious but here recently I’ve found that my faith has been growing stronger as well. I will start attending church tomorrow morning for the first time in years and I couldn’t be happier about that. My message is to find that inner you that wants to keep fighting! The inner you that wants to keep pushing and I promise that inner you will come out guns a blazing! Don’t give up!!!",moderate
dev_pid_1814,"I want to run away at the age of 13 : Nearly 2 weeks ago I moved school (in year) and I hate it. No one will understand I just don’t fit in and Ik I never will cos the ppl I hang out with never even try to talk to me. I come home crying from school and also I have to stop myself from crying at school and believe me it’s hard. I moved schools bc even though there wasn’t anything to bad with my school I read a lot of things saying anxiety can be caused by the school ur at. So I moved. BIG MISTAKE. What have I actually done I miss everyone and I just hate it. And Ik it’s only been 2 weeks but I just want to run away. I want to go far away so no one will find me bc that means I won’t have to go to school. I am quite suicidal but know I’ll never do it coz I love my family to pieces I’m very close with my family. So I just thing running away/going missing is the best option. I just regret that I moved schools where I was defiantly happy at my other school. U might think that’s a stupid reason to run away but honestly, u know what I don’t even know either I just want to go back to my old school 😭😭 does anyone have any ideas on what I could do instead of running away?",moderate
dev_pid_1815,"I'd rather go through this alone than bother someone else with my problems : Does anyone else know they need help but don't want to bother anyone with their problems so you just stay home and not talk to anyone? I haven't had an actual conversation with someone texting/in person for as long as I can remember (apart from at work) I don't enjoy my job that much but it's nice to be around people for a few hours a day
I don't want to go to the doctors and take medication because I know ill end up getting heavily addicted (used xanax from a third party and it got out of hand pretty quickly) 
I have suicidal thoughts sometimes but ill never do anything about it because I'm a pussy and I couldn't do that to my family so I'll just suffer in silence and drink and smoke myself to an early death. 
I have several family issues going on at the moment but no one to talk too, this is exhausting this has been my life for the past few years I guess I'm used too it now.
Not sure what this post is meant to do but i just wanted too get it off my chest",moderate
dev_pid_1816,"my self esteem is very low : Everyone around me always calls me dumb and ugly, even family. It's come to the point where if I feel even a slink of proud/reward I quickly disregard it, thinking that i'm being an ass hole for thinking that way. Last week after a long day I thought about all of this and cried for 2 hours straight, I really wanted to kill my self that night and the urge is still here, strong as ever.",moderate
dev_pid_1817,"Real Friendship : I'm really struggling right now.  My friend started dating and now he doesn't want to be friends anymore.
I'm so tired of being disposable.   I try and try to meet healthy people and make meaningful friendships but i always end up losing those friends closest to me.
My sponsor tried to explain that every relationship has a season.  Most dont last a lifetime.   But the hurt of continously losing friendships is feeling like too much.  I want to give up trying to have friendships at all.
Please can someone tell me that real friendship exists.  I just want to give up.",moderate
dev_pid_1818,"I feel every minute of every day. : There's something about my depression that makes every day feel so long and its exhausting. Days used to just zip past me back when I was happier but it's been a while since that was the case. I have to stay busy because I have 6 day weeks (4 days work, 2 days school) + errands yet it still feels like I have a ton of extra time because time moves so slowly for me. It doesn't help that no one texts/messages me throughout the day so I'm mostly by myself 90% of the time. I have hobbies but I've been enjoying them less and less the older I get. I also started trying to develop healthier habits like going to the gym, exercising at home, dieting, eating out less, and sobriety but those things make time move even slower because that shit sucks. March only just started and I feel like it should be summer already because of my perception of time. Last year felt like three years.  
 If I was enjoying my life this wouldn't be an issue, but sadly I'm not.",moderate
dev_pid_1819,Looking for advice : My girlfriend of several months deals with anxiety and depression and as of lately she has been very distant and detached emotionally from me. I try to motivate her and be positive but she just dismisses me and emotionally attacks me and brings me down and I don’t know what to do. I really care about her but she constantly is down and has started to impact me emotionally and bring my emotions down to a dark place as well. If anyone has been in a similar situation before could you please give me some insight or advice please? Thanks,moderate
dev_pid_1820,Life just fell apart and I need advice to help me grow in the right direction. : I've dealt with depression for the past two years and I've been in a toxic on and off relationship/friendship with a girl that I have a lot of feelings for. The arguments are sometimes my fault and sometimes her fault but they usually end with her blocking me and me being miserable until she reaches back out to me a day later. My depression has gotten so bad that I just stopped going to my college classes and did nothing but stay in my room. 3 days ago I was on the phone with the girl and we had a huge argument and that argument mixed with my fear of what my parents would say when they found out I was failing school drove me to the point of saying some suicidal stuff. The girl ended up calling the police and then blocking me on everything. I went to a rehab facility for a bit and I'm on some new medication. My parents were very loving and welcomed me back at my home (I'm 21). I know that I need to cut her out and I mostly have but I'm still leaving strings attached and she's on my mind all the time. What can I do to cope with the sadness that comes from me and her trying to end what we have for good?,moderate
dev_pid_1821,"im starting to dissociate someone please help me, i want to kms : been struggling for a while. baker acted twice. immune to starving myself and cutting. finally gotten my self drunk enough to the point where i can take the last 5 benzos that i have and end it all. i cant turn to anyone for help. my family isnt helping me. my dad would rather pay random women for sex than help me. my sister never cared about me, moved across the country in my time of need just to be with her shit husband. my brother doesnt even associate with me. my mom never asked for me in the first place, as i was just a mistake. only reason she didnt abort me is because she's catholic. i ran away from everything, leaving my family behind. when in reality, the problem is me. im a fucking loser. im 22 and havent learned from my mistakes. ive been cheated on everytime for a reason. my boyfriend left me for a reason. i cant do anything right. im not invited out to anything for a reason. im a closed minded fuck that doesnt know how to learn from their own mistakes. the funniest part; i'm a clinical psychology major. tell me how the fuck am i supposed to help others when i cant even help myself? im such a joke. ive left a note in my diary, which will be left on my desk. my door will be unlocked just incase i snap back into reality and decide to call for help",moderate
dev_pid_1822,"Overworking to Fight Depression : I'm a blue collar kid. Keeping myself busy keeps me sane. When I feel myself slipping, I throw myself into an overtime schedule.
Wake up a 4 AM, day job until 2:30, personal trainer at 3 or 4 depending on the day, boxing for 2-3 hours, some contract work on the side if I've booked it. In bes by 9:30 and do it all over again. Go 100% every day 100% of the time.
That works well, until it doesn't. Soon the body starts to break down and the emotional dip is compounded by the feeling of overwork. But 99% is not an option and resting is downright blasphemous because then I'd dip again.
Is this what an addiction feels like?",moderate
dev_pid_1823,"Everyone leaves me in the end : Gone. Everyone is just gone. All the good and bad friends, gone. All the idols that turned out to be the thing I imagined them protecting me from for YEARS, gone. Gone, gone, gone. 
I ruined a lot of the friendships- if you would even call it that. I always put myself below them and that's the only thing that kept them around. I took people's advice and stood up for myself. I said what I thought and how they made me feel and I politely asked them to stop. I told them that I didn't want to be hurt anymore. What a mistake.
They didn't like that. That made them angry and leave. Everyone leaves in the end. They blame it on me or say how I'm better off with better friends. Some would tell me it was just a joke and to toughen up, but what's funny about telling someone they ""probably will commit suicide one day"" while laughing?
Maybe it's my fault.
Most hurt me but I didn't mind. It was tedious, name calling and a deadly mixture of words. I didn't mind. I didn't want to mind. But sometimes I wish some of them wouldn't have hurt me so badly. Hit me, tore me to shreds, dragged me by my hair, and become the monster that I feared hid under my bed and behind my bedroom door when I was a kid.  
I don't even know why I care. Everyone leaves in the end so there's no point. It's just a waiting game now. I probably did this to myself, but I wish I knew how I did so I can stop doing it.
I just want people to stay",moderate
dev_pid_1824,"Depression : It started a few months ago. I’m 24 years old. I was driving home from work feeling perfectly fine and then I felt this weird numb sensation on the left side of my chest. It’s been multiple months and it hasn’t gone away. I also feel lightheaded and just bad all the time. This is the worst I’ve ever felt in my life, and the worst year of my life by far. I’m completely sober now also, I used to vape thc oil a lot. 
I thought it was a lung problem related to vaping this MCT oil I used for the first time. But I’ve been to many doctors and had many tests and they all say they can’t find anything wrong with me and they think it’s mental. I’m considering starting medication even though I’m still not convinced this is 100% mental. I don’t even know what to do anymore. May look for in person support groups. My parents just screamed at me for not going out recently and said I was in “solitary confinement” every weekend. I wish I could go out like I  used to. I never thought anything like this would happen to me. 
I literally feel like I’m living on a different dimension than the last 23 years of my life. But it developed so suddenly, I was perfectly fine one minute, then “depressed” the next minute for no reason. Is that even possible. Has anyone experienced anything like this before? Can it go away on its own? I feel like the trajectory of my life has been completely altered. I feel like this will never go away and am stuck like this for the rest of my life. I don’t know what to do, all I know is I’m scared, frustrated, sad, and confused every single day at all times. And this strange numb sensation in the left side of my chest just won’t go away. I don’t know if it ever will.",moderate
dev_pid_1825,"Might have cancer/autoimmune disease and husband and I might lose our jobs : Just posting for support and maybe some advice on how to deal with the upcoming week.
I don't want to get into details but I've not been feeling well for months and over the past few weeks my health has rapidly declined. The symptoms are terrifying. I should've gone to the ER at some point but it would've caused massive debt. I have been able to see various specialists and am going to receive blood test results next week to see if I have cancer or an autoimmune disease as that is what all my symptoms and test results so far have been pointing to.
I've maxed out my PTO and sick days and was even given additional unpaid days off that I wasn't supposed to have. I'm going to go to work on Monday and try my best but I've lost most of my vision and I've been getting confused easily. I'm a financial analyst so you see my problem... Also I can't request temporary disability or FMLA because I'm somewhat a new employee.
My husband is a contractor and a valued employee but they are going to find out if everyone is layed off next week.
We also have a young daughter and I've tried to stay chipper for her but she can tell something is going on.
Any advice on how to not just have a huge meltdown or how to be patient while waiting for test results (and how to keep my job) is appreciated.",moderate
dev_pid_1826,"Feel very apathetic and that everything I do is futile : Hey,
So I don't really know where to begin with this but recently I've been feeling like everything is pointless and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like I'm living to work and most of the time I'm waking up early, working all day, getting home and by the time I've had dinner and done the washing up I'm too tired to be bothered to do anything.
Every time I try to pursue a hobby I quickly lose interest or get bored. I like boxing so sometimes go to an amateur boxing club near me. Even though the coaches are nice guys, the quality of training isn't great. I know I shouldn't expect too much because it's super cheap like £5 for 3 hour and a half sessions a week but I can't afford much else and don't particularly enjoy it or feel I'm making progress. Before I moved in with my girlfriend and her family I used to go to another boxing club. I much preferred it there - I really liked the coaches, the structure of the sessions and there was a good sense of camaraderie; I made a few friends there but it's too far to travel now. Besides, my parents didn't like me going there because I had a few white collar bouts and admittedly I'm not very good at boxing so I won once but got quite badly beaten up twice and ended up needing a brain scan in hospital. It goes back to this feeling of futility because even though I enjoy it what is the point if I'm not very good? At one point I was going 5 or 6 times a week and I still wasn't great.
I also like music (going to gigs and playing guitar), running, weightlifting, football (soccer), reading and paying my Nintendo Switch. But recently none of these have been holding my attention and I've been losing interest really quickly. For example I start learning to play a song on guitar and don't get round to practicing for a few days so forget it and move on to another song. I'll start trying to run 2 or 3 times a week to improve my 5k time then I'll be lazy and not bother for 2 weeks. I've been getting better with the weightlifting but similarly I'll miss a few sessions and feel like I'm back at square one. With football I'm so disinterested I won't even watch my team play or bother catching the highlights. With reading I won't get past the first few chapters of a book, and even with playing my Nintendo Switch I'll start a game and get bored.
I feel like any hobby I pick up is pointless and I'm never going to get anywhere with it because I started too late (I'm 23 now). As well, my girlfriend and I are trying to put aside £500 each a month to save for our own house so that makes it hard to afford to be a part of any clubs or do anything outside of work. 
I've really tried to make an effort to sort myself out by writing lists, setting goals, reminders and etc. but then my whole life feels like a tick-box exercise and as soon as I miss a day I feel like I have to start over from the beginning. It's becoming all too easy to take days off, eat junk food, binge social media, YouTube and porn.
I feel really silly coming out and saying all of this because I'm fit, healthy, I've got a good job, a few good friends, a loving and supportive girlfriend and all of her family are great too but I just can't help feeling that I'm going through the motions everyday. I've mentioned the way I've been feeling briefly to my girlfriend and she's tried to help bless her but I don't want to talk about it too much with her or her family because they've got enough on their plates with some of them having depression / anxiety already.
Anyway, thank you to anyone that's read this and I hope someone can help.",moderate
dev_pid_1827,"i don’t know how to escape my own toxic thoughts : hello! i’m a 19 year old female currently a sophomore in college. 
i’m a bit nervous to write and post about myself on a social media platform but i just don’t know what else i can do. 
one thing i struggle with 24/7 is my low self esteem and the fact that i’m very very self conscious. i have trouble even walking around because there are so many voices in my head that tell me “you probably look so ugly right now”, “that person is wondering how one can be so ugly and is feeling so bad for you”, “your face is so gross yikes”, “go in the bathroom and check your hair right now- you look awful”
i don’t like what i see in the mirror. it makes me feel so dumb because no one is actually calling me ugly and putting me down it’s just .. my own voices in my head and i can’t seem to escape it. 
another thing is i get so lost in my negative thoughts it feels like i’m going down a spiral. i need people around me or else i feel like i’m going insane BECAUSE OF MYSELF. as bad as this sounds i hate myself so much and it really affects my well being and my school work. 
one last thing is in regards to my family. i come from a strict, christian, conservative asian family. we never talk about our feelings and ive never seen my parents cry. my grandpa is really sick and going through chemo right now and my uncle might be going to jail. my parents don’t tell me anything about it and instead i hear about what’s going on in the family from my sister. 
i often tend to “blame” my parents for how i feel and i feel really bad about it because i know they never said anything to hurt me on purpose. or maybe they did i don’t know. 
growing up i got yelled at a lot. i know they just wanted the best for me but getting yelled at for 5-6 hours straight for instance for losing my belongings made me sad. and the next morning the day would just go on as if nothing happened and i was still supposed to be happy and respectful. some things they’ve said had really hurt me. for example they said they could just see me being miserable in the future. and i don’t know ...... i am not really sure who i’m living for and what i am doing. freshmen year of highschool my mom read through my journal and found some depressing things and i told her i wanted to kill myself. the response i got was “oh really?” and we never talked about it ever again. i tried talking to them about how they made me feel recently but i got yelled at for that too. they said being sad and being stuck in the past is very immature of me and i should just move on. 
but i swear my parents are good people. we moved to the US 9 years ago and we started from the bottom. we had a small room just enough for the four of us to lay down on the floor. my parents didn’t even have that much room to put their clothes up in hangers. they worked so hard and just wanted the best for my sister and i so i feel really bad that i say bad things about them. 
that was so much wow sorry. i feel lost and sad have the urges to cut myself a lot. i used to in highschool but i have been trying not to recently. i’m having a hard time keeping up with everything in school. i don’t know what to do. i tried talking to a therapist at school but she told me to “talk to my parents”. sorry i had so many things to say but thank you.",moderate
dev_pid_1828,"Why does everything have to feel so pointless? : I can sit here on Reddit all damn day and night, and then when I'm bored of whatever little content that slithers onto my home page, I just go to look over to my steam games. Nothing interests me. Nothing. I load up a game and immediately turn it off. 
Then I feel the pain in my back and remember, even if I did enjoy these games and this internet bullshit, it's just going to hasten me to my painful death. Can't even stop eating because it's one of the few things that gives me any pleasure.
I have no desire to do fuck all. I tried gardening, it's just a lot of effort trying to get some green fucking thing to grow. It just fucking sits there, it's pointless. Same with my stupid goddamn Beta Fish, little bastard isn't even entertaining. Still, I do my water changes and shit all correctly. Still isn't enjoyable.
I just have no energy to pursue anything. The future feels forfeit, an eternal starless night. I just constnatly feel like I'm looking into an empty refrigerator, checkign over and over again to find something. 
Even what little can hold my attention just pisses me off now since the back pain is gnawing at the back of my mind until I'm a bitter fuckwad. Why does everything feel pointless? NOTHING I used to enjoy brings me any pain. Nothing I could possibly forsee in the future brings me any happiness. I've got nothing. I've genuinely got nothing except my ability to rant in an echo chamber that will already verify my miserable emotions. I'm hopeless.",moderate
dev_pid_1829,"Self-destruction : Though I have been questioning myself whether I am just acting that I am depressed or that I actually have something going on, I was wondering if anyone else has been self-destructive during his/her depressive phase?
I deleted hundreds of poems, burnt some of my high school memories and deleted some melodies I did on guitar. I truly hate myself, and I don't want to exist anymore. People thought I was a prodigy at an early age, now I am nothing more than a piece of garbage.
Does anyone else have that issue?",moderate
dev_pid_1830,"I almost told my mother : I'm not diagnosed with depression. I still can't accept that the last 3 years I'm not myself and even though everyone is starting to notice now I say to myself that I'm just lazy. My mother visited me (I study at a uni not far away from home) a month ago and I wasn't worried cause I'm always very good at hiding what I feel. But this time was different. She said something I now can't remember. Something small but I just broke down. Started crying in front of her for the first time and was ready to tell her everything but once more I decided not to. I told her that I liked a girl who didn't like me back and I was sad because of that. She believed me and never spoke of it again. I haven't told anyone about what I'm feeling and every time I'm ready to I decide that it's better for everyone not to get involved with me. Everyone will characterize me as irritating because I always try to pass as a happy and normal teen. My parents think I'm doing drugs and say I don't seem normal. I don't know what to do anymore. Hiding it consumes most of my energy and I don't think I can keep this going much longer.
It's the first time I'm writing here and I hope I didn't bore you too much.",moderate
dev_pid_1831,"I miss this guy, I hate myself : I met him last summer. he comes here on vacation quite frequently we both have depression, he cant have kids and that is what triggered it. he is in a relationship now, his girl cheated on him with a 45yo man but they are in an open one so he did not care enough to cut her off. I see how miserable he is in his face, he said wants to move out on his own, he lives in a nearby country with mine and people usually immigrate in mine from his to work. But he has a super good job that his brother helped him get it so i doubt he would come live here. before he found out he cant have kids he had a girl for 4 years and they would have gotten married. he is so cute and great, what a lucky girl she was. i feel depressed again, im not worth anything, i wish i could see him. i wish i would motivate him. who cares, i hate myself",moderate
dev_pid_1832,"I'm not okay : I found out (through the grapevine) that I'm the problem they're talking about in the meetings.
It's probably true. I just wish they would just bring the issue to me directly. I don't want to suck, it just happens.
So I'm angry, I think, but I'm not sure if it's at then or at me.
Also, I'm fixing my golf swing and I just keep sucking in every direction on that. At least I could work my fucked-up swing.
So I'm frustrated because I can't seem to make my body do what my brain knows it should.
Le sigh",moderate
dev_pid_1833,"Today I realised how the downward spiral works : So TLDR; My dad's got cancer, along with internal bleeding and thrombosis. He's a trooper, and curently stable, but the reality isn't overly positive.
When dwelling on this tonight, with the fiance asleep in bed and just myself and the cats skimming through the internet, I suddenly began to feel alone, isolated and like there was no way out.
This is when I realised; we're not meant to be alone in this. We need the support network to stay strong, to keep fighting.
So I just wanted to out this out there for anyone who starts feeling the shadows closing in. Reach out. Ask for help, tell others and ask for someone who will listen.
You're never truly alone, especially in this day and age. 
It can often feel like we have nowhere to turn, when in truth we have the entire world at our fingertips, and while that power can sometimes make things worse, its also filled with the people from this community who are willing to help keep us strong.
So as someone who is feeling all the same feelings as you right now, know that there's always somewhere to turn, and someone willing to help. We're here for each other. 
Stay strong my friends. We all need saving every now and then.",moderate
dev_pid_1834,My ex who still talks to me lives 1000 miles away : Ive became really sad recently my ex goes to school 1000+ miles away and i really like her she started talking to me again recently but not really anywhere close to how much we used to talk. Anyways I dont really have any friends to do anything with right now and i’m becoming so lonely it hurts in my heart. I used to never cry but every night i go to sleep balling my eyes out over how badly i want to be with the person I truely love. Anyone have any advice on what I could do? My heart is aching and nothing I do keeps my mind off how much I want to spend time with the person I miss the most 😣,moderate
dev_pid_1835,"Sound of Silence : The wife is out with friends and family today, so I am home with the pup and kitty. Doing some dishes because it is easier to fight the intense urge to sit and do nothing, than it is the amount of anxiety I get from the mess.  
I cannot be in silence. So I am listening to 90’s country instead of the usual current day rock.  
And for about thirty minutes. I was happier than i have been in a year. For thirty glorious, heavenly minutes. I had no anxiety. No depression. No stress. Just belted out some country and laughed as my puppers side eyed my singing. True peace.  
Once the dishes were done. The kitchen cleaned up from dinner two nights ago. And the dishwasher running. Once I returned to the couch. The happiness left. As always it does.  
But for those thirty glorious minutes. I was free.  
Webster’s dictionary describes silence as the forbearance from speech or noise. The absence of sound.  
I strongly disagree. In silence there is so much noise. Such a cacophony of noise.  
“You are trash”.  
 “No one loves you”.  
  “You are a waste of air”.  
The voices go on. I could write until time ends and darkness descends and never have all written down.  
And the worst of it all. It is not the voice of any detractor.  It the voice of a childhood enemy. Not the voice of a best friend long since past.  
No. It is my own voice I hear. When the music stops. The tv turns off. I only ever hear my voice. My daemons. My silence.  
My question, dear redditors. What do you hear when all else ceases to make a peep? What makes you listen to fall asleep to a movie every night for 18 years?  
What is the sound of your silence?",moderate
dev_pid_1836,"My SO (23M) is depressed : Hey all. My (22F) LDR Fiancé (23M) is depressed. It began about half a year ago. It got really bad and about 8 months ago it got better. I thought he was finally okay. But I recently found out it’s gotten much worse. He tried meds and therapy once. It didn’t help. So now that it’s back he doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know what I can do either. I wish he’d give therapy another chance but it didn’t work last time so why try again? What are some ways I can help him feel better? We are long distance so I can’t be with him all the time.  
He sleeps a lot and he feels like a failure and a POS because he just graduated and is having a hard time  finding a job and figuring out what he wants to do in life. He feels like everyone reminds him how behind he is.
This is hard on me. I know he’s the one depressed but it’s very emotionally hard for me too. Any advice for both of us is appreciated.",moderate
dev_pid_1837,Nothing : The worst thing about depression is that it takes away my ability to have the proper emotional response to certain situations. Like right now i know i should feel stressed and anxious about my upcoming exams but i feel nothing. Complete emptiness. And that should make make me sad but again i feel nothing. I just brush my shoulders and continue thinking about how fucked i am.,moderate
dev_pid_1838,"my life feels ruined : i've been depressed about never having friends i can relate to because i end up doing toxic shit with anyone who ever tries to be my friend and basically ive never been able to see that im to blame in all my struggles and ive ruined my relationship with my father and brother and friends and my self esteem is and has been so low that i almost feel like i cant go on anymore. but at the same time, being aware of how my behavior has affected other people and my own life might help me to rebuild myself but it feels like a gargantuan task that i dont have enough energy to do. like im somwhere between hope and despair and i dont know",moderate
dev_pid_1839,"come on, : i dont really know, but i needed to write this down. i need someone, someone to hug me. hold me tight and never let go. ill feel real again, ill exist again. im barely getting by, and none of my current relationships dont seem to matter much to the other member. im regularly ignored. turned down whenever i try to spark a conversation, but i cant help but use the dullest openers. i wish i was an interesting individual. thinking about it, i wish i was 11 again, particularly this one walk through a hilly forest, phone in pocket, listening to come on eileen out loud. it makes me feel free. glad to know i was named after that song, yet i yearn for someone to truly make me feel like ""eileen"".",moderate
dev_pid_1840,"maybe a show of hands¿ dead poets : i can’t live in a world where you exist, i want the pain to go away so maybe i should just slit my wrists ... watch the tub fill with my dna, realest thing you’ve ever seen. now i’ve created a chaos scene. i departed, so no blame on me. this is what it’s like when the good guy dies in the movies. bunch of confusing mixed feelings. tears may shed, but it’s not because you miss me. it’s because you feel sorry for me, i wish i could feel worthy. but maybe i’m unholy, makes sense that christians look down upon me. they don’t like a dark minded writer, y’all can sue me. i’m a broken spirit, so don’t expect anything uplifting. i’m just like the holocaust, filled with endless tragedy. it’s so unnerving. even my loved ones are turning against me. so what’s the point of living? i rather take this glock and blow my brains to smithereens. have my conscience looking like uncooked meat, hence i’m raw as can be. unfiltered, so i see no hearts on my screen. makes sense why my vision is blurry, because my future is forever distorted. never will it be in hd.",moderate
dev_pid_1841,Hate being away from home : So this is something i want to kinda figure out i have been dealing with a lot of stress with a relative who is in the hospital and stuff with work. Since she has been gone for two weeks i have had to maintain her animals and her disabled roommate. And its coming to a point while staying at her house. I have  been missing home a lot. I go there from time to time to get stuff and everytime i am there i feeling like just not leaving. I just want some advice to get though this and be able to feel home sick so much.,moderate
dev_pid_1842,"My gf of 4 years broke up with me 8 months ago, and I fell into a hole that i can't get out of. : First of all, i'm sorry if this is completely chaotic but I'm laying in my bed at almost 2 am and I don't know what to do. For the last few months, I've been going through a constant roller coaster ride of emotions. For a few days or sometimes weeks, i feel good, sometimes even euphoric, but after some time I always fall back into that hole.
 Towards the end of the relationship, some cracks started to form, which i failed to notice. She told me that she didn't love me anymore, we had a little ""pause"" for about a month that kept my hopes up, and after that she put an official end to it. She was dating someone new about a week after that, which was the final nail to my coffin.
The state i'm in scares me. I knew that it would take a while to get over it, but it feels like it is getting worse. It went from me being sad about the end of the relationship to me feeling bad about myself, loosing my self esteem, and the last glimpse of hope about my future. I have no idea where my life is headed. I'm currently in university about half way to my bachelor's degree, but I don't know what to do when I get it. I have no goals for life, no particular job i have in mind, nothing. I think when I still had my girlfriend, i at least knew that I wanted to be with her, and it kind of felt like a plan. Now it feels like I have nothing. 
 I just don't know what to do. I'm grateful for every single bit of advice. If you have any questions, please ask, I know that this was probably a total mess, but I honestly think that i will end up deleting it all if I don't post it now.",moderate
dev_pid_1843,"I f###ing hate myself so much... I’m just so ugly, unattractive, and unskilled. There’s absolutely nothing there to be interested in... just a miserable shell of a human being... and the shell is broken, too. : I’m so ugly... I get now why know girl has said yes. I get now why people don’t initiate anything with me. I get now why I don’t deserve anything that I have. I’m so fat and ugly, and I don’t have anything worth loving. Nothing to make someone love this empty shell I live in, this cracked, broken, disgusting shell. I wonder how anyone even bears to look at me, much less have the bravery and courage to send anything more than a middle finger my way. Gosh... I hate myself so much.",moderate
dev_pid_1844,"I just need to vent since I have no friends anymore : I just need to vent 
With the more I talk about it to other people I am Realizing how manipulative and abusive the friend I cut off a couple months ago was. Every time I think of her I realize one more thing she did that affected me on a deep level. I only have 2 friends now since I cut her off, they’re both at college so I’m alone for now. I still miss my ex even though it’s almost been a year. I still love her, I adore her. I can’t be happy when she’s not here, her shadow clings fo every thing I do. I know I’ll never be happy or in love again. I have chronic fatigue , chronic pain, and a heart condition so every day is a struggle. I spend everyday in pain. I worry about money to pay bills every single month, I never feel relaxed. My immune system is practically destroyed from eating disorders. I think about suicide everyday and nothing gets better. I am so off track of my personal goals for life. Everyone says I’m still young and all that shit, but I’ve spent a decade being miserable who is to say the next decade won’t be shit and the one after that and the one after that. If we look at the evidence plain and simple, life is bound to follow the same pattern of getting worse and worse as it has thus far. I don’t know what to do, I’m so extraordinarily miserable but also numb at the same time. I don’t have hope, and I don’t want to continue.",moderate
dev_pid_1845,"My sister called me fat : My younger sister (17 y/o) was being really weird, childish and self absorbed all day. And I finally gained some motivation to go outside so I wanted to go out on a walk with my family and our dog but they were all being really slow. So I sat on the side of the couch and suddenly my sister said she heard a cracking noise. Even though I heard nothing. Suddenly she became angry and told me I was sitting on her phone cable so I stood up but there wasn’t anything there. I said something about her acting stupid so she got angry and said the whole couch made that sound because I was really fat.
I used to weigh 120 kg. Then I lost 34 kg so i weighed 86 kg but recently because of my burn out I rapidly gained 13 kg. (I’m 1.81 cm btw) Weight is a really sensitive topic for me and she knows it. 
I went outside and had a mental break down. Literally just sat on the ground and cried in my front yard. I’m feeling really awful and just when I thought I was finally getting a bit better her words knocked me back to square one. I just finished binge eating and I despise myself for losing control over all this. Fuck.",moderate
dev_pid_1846,"I feel like life is just a cycle : I wake up, rush to my bus after struggling to wake up, then im tired for the entire day because of my shit sleeping habits. eventually I get excited to get home but once I actually get home, I'm happy for about an hour untill the reality of my shit ass life kicks in, and I do mindless videogames that I barely enjoy anymore or mindlessly scroll through reddit because I have basically no actual hobbies I enjoy anymore. i barely eat dinner, then do my homework at a very late time, then listen to depressing music untill 2 am. this repeats for another 5 days until I get excited for the weekend, but spend it doing nothing proactive and mindless activities I barely enjoy doing simply to pass time. I honestly prefer school days over weekends, because for a few hours I forgot that my life is terrible and I'm not doing to have any bright future because of my crippling laziness and inability to care enough to fix my terrible life style.",moderate
dev_pid_1847,"Anxiety and depression have my mind making me feel so isolated from everyone as everything. : I’m married with a kid. I’m a stay at home mother. A lot of my problems are first world and some are just from a shitty childhood and being mistreated, and just a bunch of other factors. I can’t talk to my husband because he gets down and stressed about me being depressed. He’s very loving and a great man but he holds things heavily, and I don’t want him to stress. I can’t talk to anyone because I feel like I’m burdening them with my issues. The last time I opened up I was mocked as “I don’t see those as real issues, I’ve been blah-blah-blah” after said friend always affirmed that they were there for me.  I feel like I have no one. And I don’t even have time to get help. I’m trying to channel this into art or something because last time I was hit heavy with depression I was drinking a bottle of wine every night at the bare minimum. Just... feeling isolated. Can’t talk to anyone. I’m not suicidal because I have too many people to look after and I don’t wanna go out that way. I’ve been faking being happy and it’s getting exhausting, so I’m just on autopilot. Anyone else relate to feeling isolated on autopilot?",moderate
dev_pid_1848,"Reality check. : For a large portion of us, we will struggle with this for the rest of our lives. Because no matter how many cocktails they offer, therapists we see, or promises they make, it won't change the fact that we are alone. Not by choice but because of the way our world functions. How many times have you heard ""I need my space."" ""I wore myself out worrying over you."" ""You just don't want to get better."" ""Did you forget to take your medication?"" Yet we are told that ""You have to love yourself."" ""How can you love anyone else if you don't love yourself?"" ""It gets better."" ""You just have to believe."" ""You're not the only one suffering, others have it worse."" It's comedic at this point. 
   
Who can blame them really? Spending your life with someone who has depression is probably not high up on anyone's list. If you find someone who will stay by your side, you have someone most of us will never have. Someone rarer than gold, an exception, not the rule. Cherish them.        
  
The truth is most of us are tired and there's no where to go. No one to turn to who won't put you into a cage while asking you to be happy about it. There's nothing for us. Some of you will find hobbies that keep your mind off of these facets of our shared situations. Some find solace in helping others as they are rotting away inside. Others just retract into an ever expanding black hole. 
 
Regardless of our coping mechanisms or the labels they give them, the effects of this disease remain. It itself remains. It takes you apart piece by piece. It wears down the people around you until they can't take it anymore. It leaves us alone, broken apart, fruitlessly trying to piece some semblance of an existence together.         
Is it any wonder why some people choose to check out? A real conversation needs to be had, because people's attitudes towards this disease are not changing for the better. The way they treat people with this disease is not changing for the better. It's all an assembly line to produce something they find palatable. Something they don't need to develop any self-awareness or perspective for. 
No one actually cares about the words on this screen, the person behind them, or the tears that fall onto the keyboard as they are typed. This entire website essentially functions as a social pressure relief valve. Clearly it's not working if the suicide statistics are any indication. I'm tired of pretending all of this is anything but a cruel joke.    
The reality is what it is and I'm done surviving in it.",moderate
dev_pid_1849,"Isnt life just the greatest? : I just managed to make myself feel so bad that I became physically sick and had to throw up twice, at 2am, and then take like half an hour to clean the mess up. I'm disgusted by myself and honestly dont know what's wrong with me that I do this to myself. Why is emotional self harm the one I'm into? Why do I enjoy making myself feel as bad as I can until my body can't take it anymore? I'm so pathetic",moderate
dev_pid_1850,"I’m here to talk. : Hi. I have suffered from depression many times and every time I found talking to someone helps. They don’t necessarily have to suggest anything to help my depression, just having someone to listen to me helps. So if anyone wants to chat give me a shout.",moderate
dev_pid_1851,"I want to go Home : I have felt homeless for quite a while now. I have a roof over my hear at the moment (thank God). But, does anyone else feel like the cruel and judgemental world isn't really home?  
I mean, everyone looks down on me and I've only ever meant well. I have a heart full of compassion and love, but I've never fit in because of it. I've always looked at life differently than most people. I don't care about ""success"" or appearing cool. I just wanted to show love to others while here. Bu people don't understand me. 
I have no friends anymore. They've all left. My ""best friend"" laughed at me and stabbed me in the back, even though I was always there for them. No one sees me. I feel invisible. I am in the lowest class of 'losers' in this world. I didn't 'make it' and I don't care if I ever do. Love is all that matters in life. I wanted to have children to love, but I wouldn't want them to grow up in this world as I've known it. I would be afraid I couldn't protect them from the evil things and people who've hurt me.  
I'm not particularly religious, but I am a Christian, and I just want to go home to someplace called Heaven where people won't judge me anymore and where I can feel like I'm loved and accepted for who I am.",moderate
dev_pid_1852,"Im over it : To whoever, i might actually just be writing this for myself to get it off my chest.
I am done. I have no joy in my life. I sit behind my pc all day, supposed to finish my 4th and last year of my animation study. Im at a massive creative block, probably because i feel so bad all the time.
I am very lonely, i stopped talking to my friends because i am really anxious about social things. I let people walk all over me and i am way too nice. Everyone is always very negative towards me after a while and try to talk me down. I even realized my longest friendships are very manipulative and abusive. Nowadays i dont know if someone is being nice to me or if they are fucking with me. I might be austistic idk. When i hang out with my few friends it feels off, like i am an intruder that noone invited, or has to invite because im their longest time friend. I feel like an actual alien among people. I just dont have the green skin and big eyes. All my interactions with people are awkward, new people or people i know, family, whatever.
I stay up all night because i am afraid of laying in bed with my own thoughts, keeping my brother awake a lot of the time because of keyboard typing and talking etc.
This makes all of my family at home very mad and usually they just pull the internet. 
Pretty sure they all think i am very weird.
I jerk off way too much, i play video games all day instead of working on my last year of uni.
I wish i put more time into playing guitar, and maybe tried singing. But i cant push myself to sing because everyone can hear me and that makes me anxious. I wish i was nicer to my brother. I wish i showed people my emotions.
I am thinking about moving to a different country, but i might aswell just end it right here. I cant bare the pain i feel waking up, and the pain i inflict on my brother and parents. But i also dont want to add even more pain of me killing myself to my family. So i dont know what to do.
I might just make this one selfish decision, itll be better for them in the long run.",moderate
dev_pid_1853,"Everything Feels Grey : Hey all, 
So I've been dealing with depression for quite some time. I got diagnosed in winter of 2018, went on medication and it worked for a bit. I went off the medication a few months after being diagnosed. I was fine and really had no use for meds. 
Flash forward to January of this year and I came down with a major depressive episode. I consulted my doctor and got back on medication again. I was told to seek out counselling and am still seeking options for that. 
Despite suffering with depression I don't really feel depressed. It's not a matter of being down for me. Everything just seems to be a shady grey (no good nor bad). I've never considered harming myself. I've been in dark mindsets before but it's mostly just been a grey world for me lately. 
I don't know what I hope to achieve with this post. I just wanted to share my experience with you all.",moderate
dev_pid_1854,"I don't think I can get through my last year : Honestly I just wanna vent...
 I'm in my last year in Uni and I don't think I can get through it anymore, it's crushing me and I don't think I can deal with it. I keep hiding in the bathrooms to hide to cry and it's pathetic. The courses are too close together, they start at 08:00 and last until 21:30... just feels inhumane...Also being in the pedagogical module I feel like I'm a robot, I hate 98% of the curriculum...I waste days in useless seminars. I have too many projects and papers and assignments so I just don't do any...I don't even think I'll get a job in this field...I wanted to to it for myself, to prove to myself that I can...it just seems like I can't.",moderate
dev_pid_1855,anxiety : i have major anxiety and im also bi yesterday I told my crush all these late night thoughts I have and told me to come here . So these late night thoughts just tell me how I am a burden i guess...,moderate
dev_pid_1856,"Who is your friend standing where I am? : People tell me i should be here, that i'm not worthless and i add something to their lives.
Do I? Or does your idea of who I should be have worth and meaning? Do you actually want ME here because what i am now is a miserable, neurotic mess and i don't believe that can ever change.
Or do you want a happier, non-mentally ill version of me? Is that the truth of it? That version isn't worthless and they want to hang out with. That version also doesn't exist and i don't think ever can.
This is all I am now and i feel tortured every time you say there's light at the end of the tunnel. How old am I when i reach that light? Thirty? Sixty? Is the light at the end of the tunnel death? 'cos if so i'd rather skip right to it.
I just want to feel this affection people supposedly have for me. It feels fake, it feels like i'm treated as a charity case. It feels like nothing whatsoever.
I'm fucking broken and i understand if no one wants to be around that but don't pretend it's not what i am and have been for over a decade, for over half my life. This is all i am now and it'd be nice to have company because it hurts and it's debilitating and i'm just so tired on an existential level. I don't think i can remember what it's like to feel ""rested.""
Stay or go. Just don't lie to me. Friends shouldn't lie to each other.",moderate
dev_pid_1857,"Wanting to give up, but I also feel like I owe it to myself : I am 22 and been depressed for as long as I can remember. Through it all, I admit that depression has made sure I don't do anything productive, have alot of negative thoughts that prevent me to do things, and just basically suppress everything about me. From worrying about the wrong things, horrible memory loss etc.
 I have constant thoughts of, I am definitely going to give up now, I can't do it anymore. But at the same time, I feel like I owe it to myself to try my hardest to be happy and successful before I do because I know I definitely have not and been a weak person my entire life. It just sounds unfair to myself. Maybe I will really really try with no worry in the world with the mindset, whatever happens, happens. At least I hope I can.",moderate
dev_pid_1858,"A mask : The purpose of a mask is concealment. No shit right well when is it appropriate to where one? I find it strange that I feel like I have to wear one all the time. A mask isn’t made to be worn all the time it should be taken off in an area of safety or comfort. I get on here because it’s the only place I can take off my mask while still having one on. 
I struggle with self image problems terribly. Consistently comparing myself to other people and always coming up short. I have people around me who are constantly undermining me causing me to want to just stay inside and shut the world out. I want to be happy, I want to be brave, I want to live a life I’m proud of.
...I’m tired of living a lie and I’m tired of living in pain",moderate
dev_pid_1859,WHEN WILL IT BE OVER : I don't even have the energy to say everything I just want it to be over I can't take it anymore there is no one. NO ONE. who is helpful and I fucking hate swallowing pills every morning and my therapist seems tired of my shit and my professors need to get their heads out of their asses. here's to probably retaking 3 more classes unless I die before then which I hope I do ha ha.,moderate
dev_pid_1860,"You can’t help me : My depression has been kicking my ass for the past few months and recently it’s been destroying me. I’m having bad episodes. Becoming so sad that I feel physically sick. Blaming myself for everything that isn’t going well... 
I don’t know what to do and everytime I feel like I know what to do I feel stupid for thinking it. 
Your words can’t help me. Only I can help me and I can’t help myself right now.",moderate
dev_pid_1861,"I thought I was happy for all of a month, turns out I'm not. : Nothing has changed. I just tried to make myself think they were. In fact things are probably worse than before. I'm progressively getting lazier. To the point where I can't even clean my room, my car, or care to clean myself on a daily basis. It's the same mundane bullshit. Everyday. Nothing works or makes it easier. I try to tell someone about it and they end up just putting me on drugs. Vyvanse. Maybe it'll help my laziness due to ADHD, but it's not gonna end up making me happy. In fact i'll probably just get sadder, because I need to the dependence of a drug to help me. And I'll end up being dependent on it. Yeah it maybe has a better outcome rather if I didn't take it but I don't want to be stuck on some medication all my life. I wan't to be who I am now, a creative mind with scattering non stop thoughts. I like it the way it is. It's hectic but in it's own way, beautiful.",moderate
dev_pid_1862,"Help me please : I have adhd autism anxiety and body dysphoria  I'm on vyvvance  and zoloft but I've been having other symptoms  idk if they are side affects or what but I've been having insomnia, fatigue, mood swings, irritable, empty feeling, dizziness, headaches, fastening pulse, twitches, urges to rule my eyes and move basically any other body part, shakiness, cold sweats without fever, constantly thirsty,  the urge to bite, cut, and scratch myself,  acne, fidgety, red dots on feet are not itchy and don't hurt, eczema, asthma attacks come on faster, spacing out for minutes at a time,  
If this has any relevance I recently  stopped  cutting and started seeing a therapist I also have what I think is a melanoma  on my back.  I also have no sense of no you shouldn't/ shouldn't have done/do that also the emptiness is on and off one day I will be empty the next day  I could be fine or I could  be empty  again pls pm me if u have any idea  of what's going on I also recently  developed  a stutter
I am a masochist and a sadist, I feel like most of my friends are gonna abandon me and I have been told that I am toxic by a bff of three years, I have been emotionally and sexually abused by online ""friends"" I have never knew my grandfather  and I have been emotionally abused by irl friends, whenever I ruin a relationship  I feel nothing not empty just nothing. My crush is going through things rn and I can't  stand to see her in pain. But she is going to abandon me like everyone else and I just know it. I have also been hearing whispers I think my friends are talking shit behind  my back, I'm mentally and physically  falling apart",moderate
dev_pid_1863,"It’s been hard : I don’t quite know exactly what’s going on, I never been diagnosed. Maybe it’s because my mother takes it as a threat when I bring up therapy. Probably because she knows she is guilty and doesn’t want to be reminded. Eighteen years on this planet, and it feels like nothing has changed. The planet is still dying and we are still electing republicans. I have no control over what goes on in the world, the only thing I could control is my conscience. Yet it seems impossible to even do that. One good mental health week and almost instantly hit with the self doubt, insecurities, and the overwhelming idea of being lonely. I don’t want to be this way, I want to be better. I am overly self-aware of how mental health is, the way I react to things, the way I know what makes me feel bad, and if any of you are taking the time to read this you might be asking the question “if you know it’s bad, why do you do it?”  I can’t control it. I become aware of the thoughts but it’s this evil voice in my head making me believe that I am actually all of the negative things I think. When you constantly put yourself down, surround yourself with negative people, and have a toxic mother, you begin to feed into whatever they are saying. I don’t blame my mom, I am slowly forgiving her. I can’t stay  mad at her forever, she has also dealt with an overbearing emotionally abusive mother. But it’s so hard, there is no reciprocation. I am always wrong, she is always right. My feelings should be set aside, while hers are prioritized. This way of thinking has influenced all my past relationships. I attracted people who are hurt and wanted someone to walk all over to feel better. It’s tainted the way I view my self worth. Instead of understanding that my feelings are valid regardless of what anyone says, I come up with millions of reasons why the person making me feel bad is right. I am always the first to apologize even if I was not the one at fault. It’s this endless cycle, that I would do anything to stop. And there is way to stop it, through me. But I just don’t know where to start.",moderate
dev_pid_1864,"Being an empath and having depression is torture : My therapist told me a few sessions ago that I’m uniquely tuned to other people’s emotions and inner workings— an empath, an ‘overly sensitive person if you will’— and everything clicked. I bought a book and everything it mentioned about how it’s like to be an empath described my life. 
But being an empath and also having depression is like mental torture. When my friends are sad or stressed, I can see it in every little thing they do, and I’ll go out of my way to help (running out to grab their favorite snacks, offering to go out and do something they like, ect). I’ve always been described as a caring and thoughtful and loving friend. I find joy in helping others.
Yet when I’m plummeting into that dark space I end up weeping in bed after hours of being locked away in my room isolating myself and not a soul has checked in on me. I start convincing myself I’m this unloved and unwanted thing. Why can’t they see how much I’m hurting? How different I’ve been acting? Why hasn’t anyone check in on me?
It’s unfair to put those sort of expectations on them, and I know I should communicate better, but some nights I become consumed by these thoughts.
That I will always be there for someone. 
But they’ll never be there for me.
And I’ll never be truly seen.",moderate
dev_pid_1865,"I hate feeling this way :  No one understands the way I feel. I have no one to talk to about what’s building up inside. I’ve spent all night wondering if anyone would noticed if I wasn’t there and the answer is no. The only thing that’s keep me here is my dad and I only see him once a year, if it wasn’t for him i wouldn’t be here right now and I really don’t want to be. It’s hard to explain why I feel the way I do when on the outside looking in my life is great, but on the inside I’ve never felt more mentally and physically drained than I do now. I just don’t want to live anymore. I am lonely, I am sad and I feel like I’ve got nothing to live for anymore. I wish someone would understand.",moderate
dev_pid_1866,"In a pit : I’m trying to dig myself out of this hole but I keep making it worse. I recently went on vacation to my favourite place, I was hoping this trip would reset me and make me feel better. It didn’t. The whole time I was sad, being distracted. I keep feeling that there’s something wrong with me. I mean I was in a beautiful country, surrounded by people who love me. Instead I was miserable, dreading it and not feeling one ounce of love. I don’t know what to do to get better. It feels like I’ll feel this way forever. I can’t stop crying from how miserable I am from how my life is.",moderate
dev_pid_1867,"Depressed, alone, might be in the dumbest life situation possible and have been having suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life. (sorry if post is too long) : Hello, new here.
I've tried to keep this as short as i can but it's quite long... i would also normally do a second draft but i don't feel like reading this again so i hope it's ok.
There are two major things in my life that lead me here. To start, I was neglected by my parents. they where never mean, they didn't let me go hungry, they didn't ignore me, in fact i'm still living with them,  they just never pushed me to do anything... ever. When I was 12 they pulled me out of school to move to another state and simply never put me back in school. my dad tried homeschooling me for a month or two but quickly gave up.
Because of this I grew up very shy of other people and never had much luck making friends. I spent my teens mostly in my room playing games, watching movies and not much else. I was very isolated. I can't decide how much blame to level against myself for this. How much should a 15 year old be blamed for not enrolling himself in high school, especially when it doesn't seem to matter to anyone around him?
Similarly they never pushed me to get a job and so i just... never did.I did go to film school (which is a whole, long, sad, depressing story in and of it's self) but nothing came of it. I also spent a few months looking for work but didn't get so much as an email back from anyone. I guess it's not hard to see why when you, an employer, are looking at a 28 year old with no work experience...
About the only good thing that came out of this was meeting my long time boyfriend which leads me to the second major thing. I met him on line when i was 17 and we've been together for about a decade now. long distance relationships are hard, but it's even harder to sustain one for so long. I love him more than anything and love being around him. Every year one of us goes to visit the other for a few months and they have been some of the happiest times in my life. that being said there have been some extremely hard times, not the least of which was when he cheated on me.
he's always bee very sexual so I suppose I should have known what I was getting myself into. We had a semi open relationship. it wasn't my idea and after years of arguing we came to a compromise. blowjobs only. it upset me but seemed almost necessary. we only see each other once a year, we where both young and horny (one of us hornier than the other) and it seemed like a fair compromise to let him explore with other people since he couldn't do it with me.
He started becoming infatuated with one of his friends. he told me over and over again that it was nothing serious. i really believe he thought that because one day he came to me, told me that I was right and said he was backing off and told his friend to do this same. about a year later he cheated on me with him multiple times. he broke our rule which he knew i was already not a fan of.
what you need to understand is, the last two paragraphs take place over years. when ever he would go out with his friends i was always left alone to wonder what he's doing with them. it was constant torture and that's before he cheated on me, and he knew that. it didn't help anything that he was surrounded by people to play around with but I wasn't. I only had him. I'm 28 and have only ever been with four people including him. the other three where out of desperation. A way to back at/keep up with him and the only way to, at least in some part, blow off some of that frustration and anger. because of that, it was always awkward and I only saw one of them more than once. I really started to grow to hate sex.
when he cheated on me it destroyed me. it was the lowest moment in my life. No one to talk to, no real friends, no guidance, nothing. We spent months trying to patch things up. I still loved him and cared about him and didn't want to be without him so... i decided to open the relationship entirely. My only rule was to use a condom (Which he hadn't been). I feel like a door mat... he cheated on me and i rewarded him by not only letting him keep hanging out with the guy (who he says is his best friend) but also let him keep sleeping with him. whenever i was out of contact with him because he was out with his friends my depression and jealousy was crippling. I tore my room apart, was always angry, and was just generally out of control of my own brain.
I even tried to see a shrink during this time who ignored the things i wanted to talk about, didn't seem to care at all about this mess, kept fucking up my billing and forgetting to schedule appointments.
The time of year came when we would see each other and it was decided i would go to him this time. he thought if I met the guy that i wouldn't feel so bad. I spent three months there. it was incredibly awkward with his friends and especially that guy. the trip was very stressful. His so called ""best friend"" was a huge dick and constantly made a problem of himself to the point of even my boyfriend losing it on multiple occasions. After the whole mess my boyfriend said he really doesn't blame me for hating him.
despite that, our relationship got back on track. we where doing really well. this was going to be the first year we spent Christmas together. I went there in the summer, then a few months later he came here for Christmas. in between, he put the open part of our relationship on hold which made me really happy.
but now Christmas is over and he's gone back home and we're not sure when we'll see each other again. we're trying to get married but international marriage is difficult and we're currently at a loss. it's always hard when we separate after months together but this time has been much harder. we don't know when we'll see each other again, both of us are very stressed out trying to bring our lives together while also trying to support ourselves individually and, for me, on top of it is the memory of the place i was in last year and i feel myself sliding back to the anger and jealousy. I know it's only a matter of time before he starts fooling around again and i know he's already trying to open the possibility with more of his friends.
I don't know how to handle this anymore. i'm tired of only having myself to talk to. i'm tired of feeling walked on. i'm tired of feeling like, even if i wanted to, i don't have the life or personality that would let me participate in this openness.
I really do love him and i know he really loves me. When we're together we're inseparable and do EVERYTHING together. but when we're apart it's like i become less important to his life... maybe it's just his defense mechanism for dealing with the distance but when we separate all i want to do is cling to him, he seems to pull away and it's a lot of work to keep things together.
So, my situation is, i'm 28, living with my parents, never had a job, have no life skills and very little social skills. I'm in a long distance relationship with someone i love more than anything but he cheated on me and is now back home with his friends who, any one of them could be the next person. I have no friends and my parents (who neglected me) are really my only family. i'm depressed, angry, scared and above all, I can't even motivate myself to do the things i know i need to do. feel completely useless and broken.
I was laying in bed last night with all of this running through my head (remembering of course that even all this is only a small part of the story. their's definitely more.) and the thought just occurred to me, ""what if i just fucking killed myself."". I'm not there yet and am trying to fight those thoughts but i feel myself being pulled back down into that pit and i'm so scared of winding up there again and what if this time i fall even further? I don't know what to do",moderate
dev_pid_1868,"I'm so broken : Why does it have to be this way? Nothing saves me. And theres not really anyone that could ever help, dont tell me do therapy I've done it since I was a child, dont tell me meds I've taken so many, they say that depression is an illusion I cant believe that . No one can help me. My mother didnt even want me, and , I feel like I'm supposed to be used. Why are they all so much older than me. Why do they like my body when I'm just a baby. That's all I feel like all i do is cry, everyone knows life's not fair, I cant even stop cutting for more than a week and I let everyone down. That's all I ever do.  I cant even make friends without being weird and useless",moderate
dev_pid_1869,"It makes me so angry seeing people use their “depression” to get attention on social media : especially being someone who has received absolutely zero support and empathy from the people around me. I don’t even want anyone to feel sorry for me I just want people understand I’m hurting and I’m trying the best I can to get by. Instead my family turns around and talks shit about me, and makes me feel worse than I already am. I’ve been dealing with mental health issues since I was 10 years old, exacerbated by the fact I was abused for much of my childhood. They turned a blind eye to it all.",moderate
dev_pid_1870,"I feel like I have ruined the chances with the girl of my dreams : Before I start, I want to apologize for rambling and possibly repeating similar statements, I am so terribly depressed and feel I have lost everything.
I, 20M two weeks ago had matched with a girl 18F I will call Madlad. I had given up completely on online dating and was convinced that everyone my age was just looking for a band aid for loneliness and had no chance of finding a loving relationship.
She was like no other. Even though I had low energy with replies she showed so much interest and we really hit it off. She ended up asking if I wanted to facetime in which I agreed.
We started facetiming and it was not awkward at all, we both felt an emotional connection to eachother and proceeded for the next three days to facetime for hours on end while we did homework or were just hanging out in our rooms.
I live in Minneapolis while she goes to school in Wisconsin roughly an hour and a half away. I drove out last friday and she joked saying this was crazy in a joking way, we finally met and she came in for a hug instantly, we helped he friends move dorms which I met everyone before we went up to her dorm and I sat around doing homework with her before the tension became to strong and I asked if she wanted to watch something after we got food.
We ended up cuddling together and just enjoying each others presence, we had deep conversations until she said that she has major trust issues, and although we just met, she feels super connected to me. I reciprocate the same feelings and don't quite understand what she means by trust issues.
She ends up talking really personally about her high school boyfriends and although I know exactly what I would want to say, I can not and just proceed to listen and comfort her. I laugh it off and say ""I accept the challenge!"" that the trust issues latched onto her defend.
I end up leaving the night and I feel like it went really well until I wake up the next morning... I tend to be quite overbearing and I am in no means good in texting but a master at connecting with people in person, she responds to my good morning  text and how I feel super great about her and that I see something with her. She responds hesitantly saying she was so scared when she woke up and feels that she just let me in and was regretting it, she says even though it feels so right and that I am such a nice guy that she just needed time to process.
My responses were minuscule at best, I was no help and just tried to relate and talk about my past with people in an effort to understand what she has been going through. I was at work while this was going on and I was extremely stressed out. The whole time through our texts just felt like she was pushing me away so I decided ""f this, I can't deal with this right now."" I end up leaving work early and drive the hour and a half around 4PM last saturday.
I call her pulled into the college dorm parking lot saying ""Im sorry, I didnt want to facetime or text about all of this and I know we said we would after work but long story short I drove out and im in the parking lot.""
She reads my text and calls me 3 minutes later, the suspense feels like I just ruined everything... she calls and says shes not there, that she is out at dinner with friends and doesnt know when she will get back. I told her Im sorry and that I can leave, she says its up to me when I without hesitation say ""I want to talk to you... I want to see you..."" She pauses and says okay, she texts saying shes sorry and that shes just in shock but is excited to see me.
50 minutes pass and she pulls in and walks to my car since she randomly pulls next to me. we just kind of laugh before I hug her and we quietly walk up to her dorm where we begin talking about everything.
She tells me while trying not to cry that she doesnt want me to deal with her and that she really likes me and feels like she will hurt me. In summary, we let some of our emotions out and end up cuddling again before we see her friends for a bit, she feels closer to me and more open now, I end up leaving and tell her thank you for not flat our rejecting me. I knew it was 50/50 but if what I felt like I knew about her was true, I knew she wouldn't reject seeing and talking to me in person.
As I drove home that night, I get pulled over for going 87 in a 70 by an officer and am hit with a $250 ticket. I get home around 2AM and tell her I miss her and begin to be super overbearing again. I tell her I got a ticket and Im sorry if Im waking her up and that if I ruined her image of me by getting a ticket since this was my first ever run in with the police and I didnt know what to do or say, all I could think about was how she would see me.
She waited up the 2 hours at night for me to get home safe and says I didnt ruin anything and that she really liked seeing me and to have a good sleep. I woke up and proceeded to text her goodmorning and thank you for not pushing me away and kept telling her how she makes me feel. I am a triple scorpio if anyone believes in or knows what that is and I am extremely ambitious and passionate but with that comes impatience and a great need for discipline while she is a virgo.
She relapses back to the hesitation and we text very lightly, just seems like we were friends and that she felt afraid that she was opening up to me and letting me in her life.
the week goes by and she tells me shes sorry I have to deal with her, that she really likes me and sees something with me and is afraid since shes never been treated nice in the past before. I try to hold myself back and just say its okay and that I care about her, we keep telling eachother through the week how much we mean to one another and how crazy it is that we just met.
We facetime on tuesday and she says she just wanted to talk about her feelings and we get really deep into our lives, where we want to be, how we feel about eachother, the whole shabang. We end the call and she tells me that talking to me made her feel a lot better about everything and that she wanted me to come over tomorrow (aka wednesday, few days ago) everything is feeling better and I drive out after my classes to be with her, we just cuddle for a few hours and talk more about what we want and how we see eachother where she asks me if I can be hers, and that if we are officially dating she will feel way better about everything. I just smile and say ofcourse before kissing her and we begin to makeout before we go bowling with her friend group.
All of her friends really like me and we click super well, I feel integrated except with one girl who is overly dramatic with everyone.
I leave and tell her thanks for the great night and that Ill text her when I get home. Luckily no ticket this time and we say goodnight as she still waits up for me when she didnt need to. (was a school night for her) we plan to hangout on the weekend which is where we are now.
I drove over yesterday after work (friday) and we spend the day with eachother. We cuddle and go on a triple date with her friends and their gf/bf's, we laugh how cringey it is but we are so happy together, nothing seems weird and we go back to her dorm that night after hanging out with everybody and I asked if its still okay if I sleep over, she says ofcourse and we get comfy and get to bed.
I begin talking to her and asking her how she stills feels etc. and she talks about how she feels safe and happy with me and that she needs time. we makeout and I go a lot farther than we both thought I would intimately, no sex which is fine since if we ever do make love I never want her to feel like its something to regret. This is where I make the mistake that I need advice with...
Early in the night she talks about love and how she views it. She is very practical and says there is no love at first sight, that she was in love once but from being completely rejected had completely damaged her. That there is only infatuation and love is a two way thing.
I tell her around 1am yesterday (or today however you view it) that I dont just feel infatuated, I didnt say it but she knew, she immediately stopped me and said, ""No, dont say that..."" I get stressed out and she says I didnt ruin anything but she doesnt feel the same way, that I barely know her and that she wants to take it slow. We makeout again etc and fondle eachother blah blah.
I ask her every question I have had building up and let myself go, I give up and feel completely destroyed as how attached I have grown to her. I recognize I fall hard and she knows that and tells me that. She says she sees something long term with me and how she knows her family would love me and wouldnt be trying to make us work if she didnt see a future with me, that she really cares about me but doesnt want to feel any regret and make any mistakes.
we go to bed and she wakes me up about an hour later just kissing me and moving my hand under her shirt etc until I become fully awake and try to go for it, I move my fingers down below where she stops me and says, ""fuck you"" in her beautiful and snarky voice, that she hates me (jokingly) I say why? and she says because I know what Im doing, and that I am making it very difficult to hold back and she needs my help. I stop and we go back to bed for real this time after I say sorry for saying ""the thing"" she says its okay and that it didnt happen.
She wakes up before me and starts kissing me again while Im asleep and does the same thing where we are just enjoying eacothers touch feel that sense of physicality and love. I subconsciously say ""I love you"" which freaks her out.
Keep in mind I do remember saying this but I was half awake and fell asleep almost instantly after saying it, I didnt really know if she heard me or not, it just came out, it is how I feeland have been feeling and been trying so hard not to say. 
She goes blank faced for the next hour until I wake up and see her so distraught, I ask whats wrong, (This is this morning by the way) until she says I am stupid, I didnt mean it, I dont know her and I dont know what love is. I just sit there with my heart aching. I say I was asleep and didnt mean it and that Im sorry. She says its okay and we proceed to cuddle in until 11:40AM on and off making out and teasing eachother knowing we cant do anything because it was too soon. I say Im sorry for ruining any other chance of coming over and she says its okay, and ""You didnt say anything, were okay.""
We go out to lunch with her friends and everything feels find, she doesnt feel like shes rejecting me or weird in any ways, just her normal smiley happy self. We get back and we cuddle again before we both fall asleep for 3 hours, I dreamt about her and was still so destroyed and didnt know how to feel. 
For the longest time even though I am not religious I had felt that I am just some NPC being controlled by god and the devil letting fate control my journey until I met this girl and chose to make my own decisions, that I cant wait around for anything and that this girl is someone I can see myself being with for the rest of my life no matter how early it may be.
we wake up and I get ready to leave since she wants to hang out with her friends alone later since the one over dramatic friend earlier is jealous that she found someone and that everyone but her is dating somebody. I say sorry one more time and I can tell she is hiding how she is feeling, that she will end up rejecting the feelings again no matter how real they may seem to me. We say bye and she says text me when I get home
Now we are here. 8:50PM Saturday 3/7/2020... This is how the convo goes and keep in mind I can tell she is ignoring how she feels and doesnt want to think about anything I tried to tell her
Me: Made it home
Madlad: okay good :)
Me: Hope things are good with your friends
Madlad: not really but hope she will be
Me: yeah... Thanks for the fun weekend madlad, I know I made it go downhill but that is the lowest it could go, everything going forward will be better I promise. You have really been trusting of me, I know you are going really fast which is why its my turn to slow down so its not you doing all of the work, everythings alreadu out and said so the last thing is just time. Have a goodnight madlad, ill stop spamming you and stuff, you really mean a lot to me.
Madlad: thank you knarsan. I had a fun weekend to (heart face emoji)
20 minutes later Madlad: my friend ditched on us.
Me: Im sorry, what are you up to the rest of the night
Madlad: its whatever lol, we are doing shots and watching movies lol
Me: cool (I dont drink by the way, not trying to be judgemental, I just dont really participate in the subculture and can come off as a dick a lot of the time reddit :/ )
Madlad: whats wrong
Me: nothings wrong haha be safe! (Im saying this while typing this thing out and slowly dying inside, I am currently listening to biggie smalls ready to die album and Electric Light Orchestras Out of the Blue album while crying.)
Madlad: Ill be safe (heart emoji)
Me: (the stupid little excited/smile emoji)
Madlad: Im gonna get shitfaced I think
\- I read this but dont really know what to respond so dont
3 min later Madlad: im sorry I drink lol
Me: you dont have any reason to be sorry, im sorry I make you feel like im judging you on that.
Madlad: you dont I just dont want you to think less of me
Me: I dont (Still dying inside)
Me: I just care about you, If I judged you on every little thing I dont think you would want to be with me
Madlad: I care about you too, Ill be safe
I didnt respond to this and thats the end of the story, its now 9:05PM and I am completely lost and dont know how to feel, what to do, how to react, how I should feel, how she wants me to feel etc.
I overthink and I am a love addict by nature, I am not ashamed of it but I am starting to be, I am learning and experiencing something new and really want this all to work but I dont know what to do... I could really use some sort of guide or just something
I do love her, thats why im so hurt, I dont want to push her away but this constant self torment destroys me and makes me want to look over the gorge's of vermont and contemplate whether I am worth it for anyone, if I will ever feel the loving embrace of someone. I know I am probably over reacting but I am struggling to battle with myself and dont know who to tell since I in reality have no friends I would trust.
She has trust issues and I never wanted to tell her I did to since that would push her away, I am compeltely open to sharing myself with her which is why I dont have the same problems as her and im definitely going through the weight of loneliness and depression while she is battling the way of people and what others could do to possibly hurt her again. I just want her to feel cared for, I want her to feel the same thing I crave, the loving embrace of a soulmate...
I am so sorry",moderate
dev_pid_1871,"I haven't had a moment of joy since I got pregnant 8 years ago : There has been so much pain and difficulty.
I had everything. I had a great job, was pretty, had a life and an amazing wardrobe. Everything is gone.
Grandmother and father die a year apart. Im still grieving.
Met boyfriend, happy year, surprise! you are pregnant at 37!
Get fired from job... get new job that I am unable to do because I am pregnant and everyone thinks I'm deformed. Have to leave job because customers see me and think Im disgusting.
Difficult pregnancy. Water retention, pain, disfigurement, horrible doctor and even worse delivery. Had to have a c-section. Get out of hospital with an infection that tunneled through my insides and devoured me. Doctor doesn't own up to his mistake and I end up with a horrible shaggy scar. The hospital was awful, the heat was at the maximum, I didn't have a shower in my room, my husband couldn't stay with me, I didn't see my baby until 36 hours after she was born. Had allergic reaction to anesthesia and medications.
Bring healthy baby girl home. Don't sleep. Family doesn't visit or even call. Alone all day with baby...bad thoughts begin. Im fully aware that the thoughts are there and not normal and I would never act on it, but they are there and very much alive.
Travel to home country for baby's christening, my uncle dies.
Start having nightmares about someone trying to kidnap baby or even worse...
Im having a panic attack. Boyfriend is sitting in the couch in his underwear and while scratching his balls says ""we should get married"". That's my proposal memory. Lovely! Fucking lovely!
Wedding day: baby brought the stomach bug from daycare. We are sick - like really sick. Everything is coming out from everywhere. Say ""I do"" and leave our own wedding. Left everyone there to have fun and we went to the hotel we had reserved. While my husband slept, I sat in the shower, with my beautiful hair and makeup ruined crying until I just passed out. The 4 people who were staying with us got sick too.
Buy house. Lost job. Start a small resell business. Get a part time because I cant find employment
A year later husband gets downsized, and I have to move my mom to live with us to help us with the baby.
I get a silly retail job because we have no money. Husband spends 6 months at home looking for work. Finds a job that sucks, but Im still in retail.
My mother begins to make me feel inadequate because I am sad. She is embarrassed by me.
Im sad all the time. Cant handle it. Cant get out of bed. Go see Doctor - diagnose: depression and anxiety. Even with meds Im not better.
Find better job. Husband loses job. We have to sell the house that I spent so much time decorating and making it a home. I have to sell the house where my baby grew up. The only home she has known. She misses the house and tells me every night. 
Get new Doctor - get new diagnosis - bipolar 2. Well... this sucks! New meds. Mother still ashamed of me. Reminds me everyday how Im an inadequate mother.
Start seeing therapist. The only person that has actually acknowledged that I have been through a lot and that it sucks that the moments of life that are supposed to be joyful have always been tarnished by something I cant control.
I get better job.
Sell house and move to a small apartment. Have to sell or donate EVERYTHING we own. We need the money and we don't have the space. So many items that I personally refinished and collected through the 4 years we lived in the house. I miss all of them.
Husband is still out of work. Keeps applying, but no interviews.... can't get a job.
Don't know how Im going to pay for anything. Mu husband becomes a vegan. Do you know how expensive it is to be a vegan?!
How will I pay next month's rent? Ask family for help. This is an inconvenience and we cant help you
Off my chest and into the world... I hate my life.",moderate
dev_pid_1872,"Everything is boring and pointless and nothing interests me. : Before we start I am a 27 year old male struggling to live day to day because of extreme boredom and general apathy.
I could probably go on but Lets see what happens. I know I sounds testy and... I am honestly. I but this mindset has been getting too much recently and I keep wanting to see if I am just missing something or I am just pretty much screwed until I muster up the balls to end it. I am sorry for wasting the time of whomever may read this.",moderate
dev_pid_1873,"What are the things depression hasn’t stolen from you yet? : I want to die and I’m willing to give up everything. I can count on one hand the things that still give me positive emotions. 
I love the mountains—hiking in them and especially driving on the fast highways through them with all the steep grades. It’s beautiful and takes focus to put the least amount of stress on the engine and breaks. It gets me outside of myself, which is practically impossible otherwise. 
Unfortunately I don’t live near the mountains and am lucky if I get a chance to go. :(",moderate
dev_pid_1874,"Anybody ever make realizations about yourself, then hate yourself for how you act : For example i constantly fear missing out over stuff my friends are doing and then feeling abandoned and nobody likes me, etc, then acting mean to them passive aggressively or something. Then I spot that im being selfish and it isnt their fault at all even though it feels like the end of the world for me and all im doing is just hurting other people and making other people not like me. And that just makes me hate myself even more for how selfish and self centered I am. I feel like my heads splitting apart cause whatever I do or think about it leads to me hating myself even more and feeling like a piece of shit person.",moderate
dev_pid_1875,"Everything is boring and pointless and nothing interests me. : Before we start I am a 27 year old male struggling to live day to day because of extreme boredom and general apathy.
\-""**everything will make sense once you find the right girl**"" - so someone can be miserable with me? I have yet to me a human that has made me feel anything besides the feeling of nothing. the best I've seen so far is a passive person who have zero effect on my life. And my sex drive in general is just not that strong, there's something but not much.  I am sure at some point somebody will bring up testosterone or something but, I just want to point out, **This is not about me getting laid**, but I am sure this will be ignored... if anyone even reads this. Generally I see post that aren't about ""I am gonna kill myself right now!"" In the title ( I am working on it) usually get swept under the rug. And forget about reproducing, holy shit having kids seems like a fate worse than death for me and I emphasize ""**FOR ME**"" you all keep reproducing but I **PERSONALLY** can't stand kids. (incoming swarm of reproducers, I mean ""parents""  to curse me out anyway)
I could probably go on but Lets see what happens. I know I sounds testy and... I am honestly. I but this mindset has been getting too much recently and I keep wanting to see if I am just missing something or I am just pretty much screwed until I muster up the balls to end it. I am sorry for wasting the time of whomever may read this.",moderate
dev_pid_1876,"Everything is boring and pointless and nothing interests me. : Before we start I am a 27 year old male struggling to live day to day because of extreme boredom and general apathy.
I could probably go on but Lets see what happens. I know I sounds testy and... I am honestly. I but this mindset has been getting too much recently and I keep wanting to see if I am just missing something or I am just pretty much screwed until I muster up the balls to end it. I am sorry for wasting the time of whomever may read this.",moderate
dev_pid_1877,My parents think im possessed by a spirit : In reality im just fucking depressed and they’re too dense to see or accept it,moderate
dev_pid_1878,"I feel like my life is going down the shitter. I'm losing my mind. I don't know where else to go for help, but I know you guys are really supportive so I decided to come here. : Every day I suffer from terrible anxiety and depression. I feel like I'm hopeless and all these mixed feelings just turn into bitterness and anger. I'm having anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns more and more often and I don't know how to stop. I am failing in school and am failing my girlfriend. Even though I try so hard to make her happy, she always ends up sad because I can't be positive around her. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control and that my life is no longer in my hands. I feel as if I'm an ambient noise, no life, and no purpose. Hell, I barely even exist at this point. I can't even fake being happy anymore because I'm just so miserable.
 I know this sounds like some woe is me type shit but this is pretty much me. A pointless blob of flesh. I can't achieve anything worthwhile and I constantly disappoint everyone. I just had a mental breakdown today and I was screaming at my parents and ripping out my hair. I popped blood capillaries in my face and bruised myself. I don't want to ever be that angry but I can't fucking control myself. 
I just want to be unconscious.",moderate
dev_pid_1879,"Feelings : Feeling like a deep hard stone weighing my heart even when there is nothing to be upset about. I can't focus and concentrate, I have no motivation to do anything . Yet anxiety is catching up with my studies",moderate
dev_pid_1880,"Why? : I am seriously considering taking my own life tonight if not soon. I'm tired of trying to find happiness and things to look forward to. I thought I met someone who made me so happy that I forgot all the bad but it turns out it's just more wasted time..
I'm so tired... I thought I would leave a positive mark on this world before I go but everything I do fails. What's the point anymore..don't even know why  posting this.",moderate
dev_pid_1881,"Does anyone else feel addicted to online games because it makes you feel less alone? : When I was younger I used to hate online games and only liked single player games like Zelda and mario and Sonic. Now as an adult I can’t bring myself to play a single player game for more than like an hour before I get sick of it, only exception is when I watch my son or boyfriend play or vice versa.
I don’t even really LIKE the online games I play a lot (cod, LoL, Overwatch). I mean they’re OK but not so good where they’re the only games I’d want to play. I feel like I only play them so often because it makes me feel less alone since you’re playing with and talking to real people. I don’t even have fun if no one is talking in game.",moderate
dev_pid_1882,"Avoiding the topic with friends : I have been pretty open about my depression and anxiety with friends but lately I have felt guilty or embarrassed talking about it again. I actually met a friend for coffee, which was a big deal to me. I spend most of my time alone or with my kids. She had a lot going on with work and some physical illnesses. When she asked what my plans were I was vague about having to do housework and some daily exercise I am trying to do. I feel I can’t really say I am still dealing with my depression and anxiety, and if I do my friend will think I am not doing enough to treat it. Or that I’m not doing enough with my life. When you’re living with depression how do you much do you talk about it with friends and family? Do you feel they get tired of it?",moderate
dev_pid_1883,I feel so alone. : The depression is so bad at this point.  My wife hates me and wants to divorce me.  My best friend and only true friend hates me and is blaming me for something completely ridiculous and there is no talking any common sense.  I am at such a low point right now.  Im a 28 year old male been married 3 years.  My 2 year old daughter is litterally the only reason I am able to keep going.   I feel like I have no one right now and i don't know what to do.  I have advised marriage counseling and my wife doesn't want to try it says she doesn't want to listen to someone else.,moderate
dev_pid_1884,"I don't know anymore : Hi peoples. I recent found out I am in a state called suicidal ideation which makes sense because it is constantly on my mind. 
Going down the highway I think about (and even vison) myself opening the door and just jumping out. Walking over a bridge I vision myself jumping off.. these happen so deeply I literally have to shake them off and shake my head to snap out of it. 
I'm just a bundle full of problems... 
Sorry.",moderate
dev_pid_1885,"It's getting harder and harder not to think I would be better off dead : I hate my job, I hate that I'm in debt, I hate that I'm the only one of my friends to not succeed. All my friends are getting degrees and I'm stuck working in a job I fucking hate for less money than I should. I haven't been suicidal in years but lately the thoughts have been coming back that I shouldn't even be here, that everyone would be better off if I died. My parents dont care about me, my boyfriend wouldn't have to tale care of me anymore, and my friends would be fine. I have no career. I have no career options. I spent my whole life being the smart quiet kid, only to realize I have no fucking talent, and no one fucking prepared me for this. I see kids and I just want to tell them to run, don't ever become an adult, because you change. You change and you lose your happiness. You lose your purpose. I am a purposeless drain on society that should have never been born. My parents are two toxic fucking people that cheated on their spouses to create a family of bastards. Not one of us has succeeded and I will be no exception. I cant get the thought out of my head that I want to fucking die.",moderate
dev_pid_1886,"Finally ready to admit i need help : I woke up this morning and looked around at the empty food containers all over the house, dirty clothes that have been on the bathroom floor for weeks, sink full of dirty dishes and realised i can't go on living my life this way. My girlfriend and i live together, she would tell me i should see someone but i always insisted i was fine. I finally realised that we both need help. Our lives are a mess, how can we go on living like this?. Everything is a struggle, there is no joy in life anymore. I think it's time for a change and to get some help.",moderate
dev_pid_1887,"I have never wanted to kill myself more than I have tonight : I just don’t know if I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been crying for three hours straight, torn up almost everything in my room, crying for help. But nobody ever comes, no one ever hears me. 
I’ve cried all my tears now I just feel empty. Nobody would miss me or even notice my absence. I’m such a burden on everyone I wish I was never born. Earlier I wished my car would crash and I would just die then and there. 
But it would be so selfish of me if I died today. My little brothers birthday is tomorrow, and my big brothers is two days away. I can’t, not this week, I it would be so selfish. I will be sos selfish.",moderate
dev_pid_1888,"Just need to post so I don’t feel so alone.. : I’m going to try and make this as simplified as possible because I have a tendency to ramble. 
Basically my life is shit right now. I have a job that most people I know would be excited to have. I make more money than I should for a job that I didn’t have to even go to school for, but I feel like I am stuck. There is no growth or anything to work towards. 
I feel stuck in most aspects of my life. My boyfriend lives with me and doesn’t work currently because he is in school full time. We have been together almost 8 years and lately we fight constantly. I am so tired of the fighting and the negative vibe around me all the time. 
Work takes most of my time and any free time I have I just want to sleep or play games or do something that completely numbs my mind so I stop thinking about how easy it would be to just kill myself. 
I don’t have any hobbies outside work anymore because I am too depressed to do them. Everything I do I feel like I am failing and I have constant anxiety about being an inconvenience to everyone around me. 
I just don’t know what to do or where to go for help. I should be seeing a new therapist soon but I’ve done this so many times and nothing they say or do ever helps so I’m expecting a nothing disappointing experience. 
I don’t even know what I am looking for from posting this, I guess just sharing my misery with others. Anyway I hope everyone has a better day than me and remember to set your clocks forward tomorrow!",moderate
dev_pid_1889,"Yep, still got it : A new wave just hit.  I thought to myself, ""All my problems would go away if I were dead"".  Don't worry, I don't want to die, but I'm not sure what I can use to pull me up for air this time.  Even though things are finally lining up with my internship and job, I still feel stuck.  I have my coping mechanisms, of course, but right now they're making me yearn for things I don't have.  And at this rate, I'll never have them at all.",moderate
dev_pid_1890,"Losing two people at once : My Pa (grandpa) who I live with (my mom and nana too) and was pretty close with is dying. It’s a slow and clearly painful death. He weighs 99 pounds, doesn’t eat, and can’t speak anymore. My boyfriend and I broke up who I was so in love with and still am. I feel so alone. I’m losing two great people and I don’t know how to handle it. None of my friends seem to care or understand and I feel bad talking to my mom about it because her dad is dying. I just am so lost. I feel like I’m drowning.",moderate
dev_pid_1891,It feel like im going crazy : I dont have anyone to talk to anymore either is because they hate me or i annoy them i miss having a bestfriend actually i miss having a friend everytime i hang out with people they always forget im in the group too and lately ive been feeling sick in an anxious way even if im in a good mood and the other day i came back from school after seeing my friend i think i can trust back from the hospital i left school happy as hell and as soon as i opened the door i went crazy crying screaming and i have had moments if there is a god and if there was why the hell did he make mine miserable by i was born my mom and dad leaving me with my grandparents being bullied at school not trusting anyone and then at 13 years old i saw someone dead everyone was crying and i was the only one not crying i knew the person but nothing ive been to church and everyone has cried and ive only cried twice but because i had a panic attack so im tired of talking to people im always isolated in my room waiting and waiting for nothing,moderate
dev_pid_1892,"I just don't know what to do anymore. Does counseling actually help? : I'm so tired of everything, despite never doing anything. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything and the rare times I stumble upon a fraction of some motivation, I'm too scared to try anything. I have a loving family and my couple of best friends are online so I don't really hang out with anyone irl but I still feel incredibly alone. I feel so damn pathetic and I'm a loser that's not going to go anywhere in life. I'm fucking ugly and won't ever have a gf lol. 
The only things that sometimes cheer me up is video games and certain movies like superhero shit. I like driving and I would love to have a nice car one day but I know that's never going to happen because I'm stupid as fuck and I can't learn anything and I don't like anything enough to try and learn it as a career or something. I just love the feeling of moving and controlling where I want to go. I've always been into cars but I don't know much about the technical shit, because again, I'm too stupid. 
I just sit here all day while being told to go do something or go to school but as you all know it's not that easy. I can't trust myself to do anything right. There's so much on my mind I can't even put it into words and I'll probably end up thinking of more later cause that's all I do, think about how much of a failure I am and will be forever.
I'm not suicidal but I've always thought about how my friends and family would react if they found out I was dead. Gives me chills just typing that.",moderate
dev_pid_1893,"Should friends know when you have a depression relapse? : So my last couple of years my depression has been tame but recently out of no where I feel the sadness coming back. A few years ago a friend cut me out of my life because of my depression was too unbearable for him. I always have that fear that it will happen again. To lose a close friend. I don’t want to burden my friends with my issues, but at the same time reaching out and explaining what is going on in my mind helps. What to do.",moderate
dev_pid_1894,"I plan on killing myself in 10 days. : I’ll be home alone that day. There will be no one to disrupt my plan. I need this attempt to be successful. I don’t know how to help myself. I’m exhausted and just done with everything. I’ll be out of everyone’s lives soon. I’ll stop being a fuckup, and I’ll stop being a nuisance to everyone around me.",moderate
dev_pid_1895,"Surviving isnt living : Ive never felt emptier. I’ve contemplated suicide multiple times every month and today i tried telling my parents i need help but they denied bringing me to a doctor saying they “dont believe in medicine”. My friends tease me about depression and some use extremely back handed/ sarcastic compliments with regards to my depression. Literally no one gives a shit about me and honestly i dont think anyone would care if i were alive or not. At this point im just doing the bare minimum to survive; eat, breathe and sleep when i can. This isnt living. This is hell.",moderate
dev_pid_1896,"Depression dependency? : Recently I’ve felt like I’m not myself if I’m not sad, because if I don’t feel sad I don’t feel much at all. It feels like everyone else likes me more when I’m down too just because I’m actually feeling something and act more alive. I’ve learned how to “act normal” living with depression and when I start to do better I like who I am even less. Just makes itself into a shitty cycle and I’m thinking trying to get on medication might be a route I’m finally ready to take. Does anyone have advice on if I should? Or things I should try before doing it?",moderate
dev_pid_1897,"An interesting title. : The only reason I like driving is because of the possibility that I’ll get into a car accident and not have to deal with life anymore.i feel like a zombie, no interests or friends. I’m a burden to everyone. I stopped paying bills because I didn’t think I’d be here much longer, but here I am, in more debt and I don’t even care. Life is just so pointless.",moderate
dev_pid_1898,"Not feeling well. : I am really not feeling well. I have lost all motivation to do anything these last few months. my gpa dropped from a 4.0 to a 2.7, i dont have any energy. i dont want to leave my house, and i dont have a single friend to reach out to. all my friends which i used to have a few months ago, we do not speak anymore. i dont even have enough energy to cry, just sit and stare. I feel so desperately lonely. I am so afraid i will lose my scholarship, but i just feel unable to even start on assignments. I diont really want to keep living like this. It doesnt even feel like living. i cant even eat consistently and when I do eat, its just another shit bowl of soup. what am i supposed to do",moderate
dev_pid_1899,"Lost in life : I don’t know if I am posting in the correct subreddit for this but I wanted to get it out somewhere. 
About two years ago I was diagnosed with narcolepsy. This diagnosis caused me to be separated from the military. At the time I was ok with it. I felt that it was just a sign to move on to another stage of my life. From there I decided to go back to school. I wanted to finish my degree and get a job using that degree. This would have went well but unforeseen circumstances have caused some major issues with that plan. The school isn’t offering the classes that I need to finish the degree for at least a term for one and two for the other courses. With school being payed by the VA and them also providing a housing allowance this was my source of income, but I can’t get that in on if I’m not going to school. I was fully prepared to cut down on spending while I waited to find a job to tide me over. I am married and my wife has a steady job so at least we have some income, but I have been the only one to cut down on the spending. While trying to get my wife to cut down a little bit on spending, she decided to get an additional job to earn a little extra money. Initially I was very happy with that. The thing is she has been always working and I am struggling to get a job. The bills were fine initially but eventually credit card began having higher and higher balances and the savings began dwindling. My wife has been using her second job not to assist in paying the bills but to sequester away to use as fun money. Again no issue initially. Over time it was notice that more an more time and money was spent towards time with her friends while I ended up stuck at home based on the fact that money was leaving faster than it was coming in. I have asked to be included, but she tells me she doesn’t want my negativity around her friends. This hurt me and made me take a close look at the situation. The past year or so communication has really been almost nonexistent between us about the happenings of our lives. This was ok when I was In The military because I spent a large portion of my time at work. I really wanted to push towards better communication and time together when we could get it without cutting out her friends.  I began working my communication while I was busy with school. I made sure to tell her when I had free time so that we could spend time together. Multiple times that I let her know that I was going to be free on a specific day or that I would make time to spend with her when I knew she was free, she would instead make plans with her friends. Time after time of this happening has just beat me down emotionally. It’s even more noticeable now that I am home all the time job hunting and I still get to see my wife less then her friends see her. The combination of the situations that put me in an idle state and it seeming like she doesn’t want to be around me has put me in a very dark place. I have been seeing a counselor with her over the past couple of months in hopes of rebuilding the communication bridge and trying to get her to see how I feel and me to see how she feels about everything. The thing is that whenever a conversation about such things happens between us she glazes over and it seems like no attention is being payed. This again bashed my self worth. The counselor eventually referred me to a medical professional who diagnosed me with major depression and prescribed me medication. The medication helps for the most part, but I keep getting lack of value impressions from my wife that just puts me right back in my hole. Over the past few months I have thought about suicide many many times. I have never thought about doing it, just about how I could do it. This scares the crap out of me. It takes a lot of thinking about my parents and my sister to get those negative thoughts out of my head. I am at a loss though I love my wife so much, and I think my wife loves me in her own way. The thing is us not being on the same page is destroying me, and in turn our relationship. I know it’s not all my fault and that it’s not all hers, it is a combination of everything. I feel like I have been bending over backwards to promote healing in my life and my relationship with my wife. I don’t feel that I am getting the effort back from my wife. I am at a loss of what to do. I can’t seem to dig myself out of this hole and I can’t seem to get the help from my wife because neither of us know how. My wife not knowing how to help seems to have turned into not wanting to deal with it. 
My life is not where I want it to be right now, and I feel like I am lacking the support to get there by the one I love most.",moderate
dev_pid_1900,"I just had a massive falling out with a friend, and I feel so alone : My depression has been really bad lately. I had a fight with this really shitty friend of mine, and we broke it off. I know in my heart I didn’t do anything wrong, but all this drama has left me tired and wanting to die. 
I just want to go back home and pass away in my sleep. Here’s to hoping this night takes me away, boys!",moderate
dev_pid_1901,"finally pushed everyone away. : never really had a knack for getting friends and meeting people, or really any talents but hoo boy want tips on how to quickly and efficiently ruin relationships im your guy. my one and only friend told me that she's done with my bullshit and finally realized that i am a drag on her life and she deserves better. i now, officially, have absolutely nothing to live for and nothing tethering me to this world.",moderate
dev_pid_1902,"Rejected again : Feeling ugly, lonely and unloved. My girlfriend left me for another guy 2 months ago, and now the guy I’ve been seeing the last few weeks has revealed to me that he’s leaving me for some other guy. So I’m all alone again. Is it because I’m unattractive or because I have a lousy personality, maybe it’s because I’m poor, or perhaps I’m just too boring. I’m so tired of being sad.",moderate
dev_pid_1903,"I have no chance. No hope. I hate this shit so much : since i broke up with my first and only girlfriend about a year ago I’ve had literally no human interaction where dating was even a distant possibility. meaning, I haven’t spoken to anybody who I had any chance of dating, that I wanted to date. I’m going fucking insane. 
I met a girl in the elevator of my apartment building today. she said she liked my shirt and that she studies screen printing at a nearby art school. I was attracted to her, and I wanted a reason to keep talking, so I just asked if I could commission something and gave her my number. A few minutes later I got a text with her name. I replied and asked to see her work when she had a chance. After that, nothing. We met in the morning. It’s been all day. I’m trying to go to sleep but I’m checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if there’s a text.
I don’t even fucking know this person. I don’t have any reason to believe I’ll like her other than the fact that she’s pretty. I hate that I’m such a fucking moron that I’m acting like this.
More so, I hate that I’m such a terrible combination of ugly and socially inept that this is such a problem for me. I just want a girlfriend I like. I don’t give a shit about anything else. I turn 25 in 2 days and I feel like my life might as well be fucking over. I went a year without even the slightest hint of a shot at meeting a girl. At this rate I’m 100% going to die alone",moderate
dev_pid_1904,"Wondering if anyone else has felt like this. : So ive never believed myself to be depressed but ive always known myself to be very apathetic about things that are at least somewhat important to others.  I often find that when im in a relationship i upset the other person by not taking their feelings seriously because i dont feel as strongly about them, if at all. I ended my last relationship because i couldnt feel as strongly about her as i wanted. Looking back she was awesome in so many ways, and i realize how dumb i was. I look for stimulation in as many things as i can, im glued to my phone, i love video games, and it drove a wedge between us because i need something to stimulate me or i feel so bored...  i feel like i am not usually sad but just apathetic. Lately ive been in a much more hopeless depression because of the fact that i know i have no control over how much things mean to me and it makes me spiral downward because i want to care about things like others do.  Im not great at explaining it, and ive considered suicide because of how hopeless i am.  I know that i wont do it but it is tempting because of how little everything seems to matter.  Has anyone else ever dealt with this??",moderate
dev_pid_1905,"The feeling of missing out on everything life could have been, is the worst : I'm 25 and I feel just... old. My whole life from childhood to the present moment was spent mostly in a dark room in front of a glowing rectangle. The only skills that I've learned are, how to withdraw and distract myself from everything that could hurt me. I haven't made any memorable positive experiences. There is no way out of the depression for me. How should I catch up in a game, I wasn't able to compete in, to begin with?",moderate
dev_pid_1906,"Will my depression ever just go away? I am just so tired of emotional pain. : I am tired of thinking about death everyday and wanting to die. I am tired if thoughts like ""Is death peaceful?"". I am tired of wanting to self harm every single time I feel a negative emotion.  I am honestly scared that one day I will end killing myself, I know how I will do it, I just don't know when or if I will do it.",moderate
dev_pid_1907,"Im scared that the military was a mistake and im terrified of what happens if i leave : Im 23, i spent most of my adult life jumping from job to job trying to find somthing that i find fulfilling. I joined the navy mid last year and i cant help but feel like a fraud. I dont feel like a military person, i dont believe in the politics of it and my politics dont align with most of my coworkers. Im struggling with learning my trade, which isnt an issue in itself, but i dont fit in with all of my coworkers. 
I come from a military family, part of the reason why i joined was because i knew that it would make my parents, especially my mum, happy and proud. Ive always struggled with earning respect and validation from my parents and this was an easy way to achieve that, but it hasnt given me any sort of fulfillment. 
I know that staying out my 6 year contract is a good financial decision, id be able to set myself and my partner up fairly well in the sort of life we both want. But i hate the fact that every weekend ends with anxiety and despair as i drive back to base to start my work week. 
I cant decide if im struggling with doing the hard thing of staying in a job that i hate simply for the financial benefits, or if im taking the easy way out by pretending to be someone im not to impress my family. My partner spends most of her time either working or travelling, and i hate that i cant go with her or be a part of that life.",moderate
dev_pid_1908,I need help : When I was five my older brother molested me. Then when I was around six or seven my cousin sexually took advantage of me. I have problems dealing with sexual feelings and scrutinize my thoughts heavily. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I should just die so that everyone else can be happy. I consider myself a burden on others even those that hurt me. I feel when I came forward about it a few years ago I was selfish. I wish sometimes I would just die and everything would be better.,moderate
dev_pid_1909,"Im falling apart right now : Not in the way of crying uncontrollably and having a mental breakdown but in the way im slowly crumbling under the weight of my familys and schools expectations to be the perfect little soldier that i need to be to survive because right now in the grand scheme
I wont matter my dad mom sister and grandparents along with most of the cousins hate me think im weird and have outright said it to my face the only ones that dont hate me havent heard of me im living for the hell of it i decided that one more day just to see if anything turns out better im currently writing this trying to cry because even in some of my other posts thats an ability i semi lost a while ago because i was told men dont cry and yelled at if i did the only thing keeping me going is the little door of hope that things will get better. And that door seems to be closing i wonder where when and how ill die and i come back to the same conclusion in my childhood room with a rope gun and stool my plan is to jump off the stool gun in hand and shoot myself while hanging if it isnt instant because i dont like pain i just want the pain to end and that seems to be the quickest way i daydream in classes about it and even though im still ok grades wise i am not ok mentally my mind the very fabric of it is crumbling and about to break like im going insane sometimes i think and feel that ive already become a physcopath and am just waiting for deaths cold but comforting door i choose to believe that theres no afterlife because i dont want to exist 
I hope. I dont sound like an r/im14andthisisdeep
Type person but i dont care anymore",moderate
dev_pid_1910,"Tired of being lied to : You know what’s worse than living with depression and ocd, plus anxiety disorder for 5 years and not getting treated. Going through it in college. On top of that a college 3 states away. I have spent 6 months and have not built  any meaningful relationships with anyone. My roomate is always at home cause he lives 20 minutes away and never talks to me. My suite mates are better in the regard that they are at least nice to me and understanding yet I wouldn’t call them friends. They have a whole lot of other people they would rather talk to or turn to if they need anything. It’s like a list and I am at the bottom. They would only do shit with me when they can’t do it with anyone else. Everyone else I met turned out to be a liar and snake and there is really one other person that I know here that is around the same level as my roommates, but again, he really wouldn’t give me the time of day unless everyone else he knows can’t. I tried to make relationships but I have failed. I was rejected from a fraternity by one vote. Yes one fucking vote. I could not get a manager job on the football team because in their words they were full, but I know well enough that it’s not the case and that they just didn’t pick me cause I didn’t have connections. I tried out for the lacrosse club and got cut so there’s that. Any girl I try to do stuff with ends up ghosting me after a week. Yes I am nearly 20 years old and have never went on a date or even had a meaningful relationship with a woman. The only thing going for me is that my grades are good but that doesn’t make me happy as it is what is expected of me. I am supposed to do good in college. All this has lead to the constant brain fog panic attacks and horrible depression. My weekdays consist of going to class, studying, sleeping, and going to the gym three times a week. My weekends involve heavy drinking and drug use. I have developed a Percocet and Xanax addiction and am well on my way to becoming a coke addict too but it’s the only thing that provides me relief in this cruel world.",moderate
dev_pid_1911,Struggling : So 2 years ago I reached out and spoke how I felt and sent to a so called treatment place “insane asylum “. Basically a place where they just ask you everyday if you wanna kill yourself and stuff. It didn’t help at all. I just lied to get myself out of there. Took an entire 2 weeks. But I still feel the exact same. My wife is worried because I can’t hide it as much as I use to. Any thoughts or help to suppress the feelings. I can’t bring myself to actually do it because of her. She would be absolutely devastated if I followed through with anything extreme,moderate
dev_pid_1912,"I’ve been okay for so long : I was so depressed last year. I tried everything I could think of to help; I tried to go see a counselor, I ran every other day, I drank so much caffeine.. I don’t know what happened, but somewhere in December I stopped being depressed. 
It’s been some time now, and I’m so scared I’ll be depressed again soon. I can feel the mental suggestions to take things too seriously; I didn’t get everything I wanted done today because it was hard to motivate myself. I haven’t been working out. I’ve been drinking more because I’ve been going out more. 
It’s almost midnight, and I just want to sleep. I want to sleep, wake up, and be okay. I wish I knew what to do.",moderate
dev_pid_1913,"need advice : 22F. I don't know if what I am feeling is normal, or if I really should be looking for help. For the past 5 or so years I believe I've been struggling with depression. This past summer was probably the worst it has ever been, but I am currently doing okay. I don't know if I am depressed because I can work/ hang out with friends and I do enjoy some parts of life.  I have a part-time job that I do that pays well enough to cover rent/expenses. I don't love it there, and that is another side issue but I haven't been low enough that I can't get up and go to work when I need to. However I know that there are times when I just can't cope with the struggles of life. I have self-harmed on and off for the past five years, not enough to leave permanent or noticeable damage but it is something I am so ashamed of that I have never told a soul, and I don't think anyone notices. More recently I go through periods of starving myself, or eating a lot less than I should be. I am a normal weight and don't believe its an ED, but it is something that I will do on purpose when I am depressed/ feeling low. Over the summer I lived alone and there was a time where I attempted to OD..I don't know what I was really thinking I just knew I wouldn't have been mad if I didn't wake up in the morning. There are some issues with my family that causes a lot of stress, although this is more recent (aka past two years). I don't really know what I am asking, maybe just for some advice. I get really socially anxious and the idea of asking for help is the last thing I want to do, but I can't live my life like this. I tried betterhelp a while back but I didn't feel as though it help, but I may have gave up too quick. I live in Ontario which means eventually I will have access to free therapy, but I don't know if I can hold out until then.",moderate
dev_pid_1914,"This had just started : I've met this one friend of my (he won't see this so Ill call him by his real name) Christian, back in November of 2019. We've been good friends, until he starts talking about this one girl he has been talking to (she won't see this so Ill call her by her real name) sage and I think of the name and it seem familiar but I don't really think about that much and I've seen her before bet he tell me so much about him and her like how they've madeout and how've they had the threesome with a mutual friend named Gabe. Then I went over to his house early in the morning (note they weren't dating, but sage and christian both call sage his main hoe) and she also comes over but he did not tell me she was coming over. I then realized I've known her since third grade she just had blond hair and a gap in her teeth (with at the time I thought was cute) and she still has her speech impediment which I think is cute also. She then remembers me, and I asked christian if they we're dating and he said no, I then asked if he cared if I flirted with her, he said no again. I start to flirt and she flirted back. After some talking we started to talk and he watched us make out which was really weird. Christian, Sage,Christian's sister Karli, and I went to the local park and just messed around because no one was there me and sage were talking and hanging around and I guess christian got mad so he wanted to talk to Karli, so Karli told sage and me to go to the baseball dugout  and when we did we looked around and played tic-tac-toe on the wall and then I picked her up ( mind you I'm 5'8 and she is around 5'3ish) and have her put her legs around my waist and I pinned her against a wall and we made out for a while. Then Karli called us over right before I was going to ask sage out then christian pulled sage aside and asked her out before I could. She said yes too. After walking around some more I went home and cut my self on my right wrist. It felt heart breaking anytime I saw them together but I knew who she was, she didn't care if she was in a relationship or not if you don't give her dick she will find someone to give her dick... Christian had to go home early and Sage had to get something from Dollar General so I went with her. I went home with her and another friend and we went through her camera roll and watched pet cemetery but when the friend left her cat got on my legs when they were crossed and let's say she missed petting the cat on purpose and I pet her pussy on purpose too. A week or two later she calls him later and he breaks up with him and I am not at all the extrovert type so it took a week to even ask her out but she changed the subject by saying I'm going to a fuck buddy's house later. So I felt great after that and we really never talked since and now we're here and I still have suicidal thoughts and want to cut myself daily but Im trying not too but I know one day I wont be able to stop it.
TL;DR My friend tells me about this girl. I hit it off with her her starts to date her she cheats on him with me she calls him a cheater they break up I ask her out she changes the subject and she stops talking to me.",moderate
dev_pid_1915,"Indecision... I want to be gone. : I admit that I'm a lurker.  Now isn't the time to explore that.
I'm sitting at my dining room table. It's 1230 in the morning. I want to go get in my car and leave. Maybe forever maybe not. It's irrelevant. I want to run. I want to run away from my 14 year relationship. I want to run o from everyone and everything. 
Why? I made stupid mistakes.  I fucked up dinner by undercooking burgers. I made clam chowder that is too thin. No big deal??? Yeah, to me it is. It is 2 failures in one dinner.  No that's not all... It is a series of stupid shit like that. 
I've had a few beers. Which is certainly no help.   Just the mention of me getting in my car and fleeing will get me plenty of criticism.  I live in a rural area and I'm more likely to encounter a deer than another human being for many miles.
I just want to be gone.",moderate
dev_pid_1916,"Just so lost : I can't even begin to explain this shit. I just feel like no matter how hard I try to be happy, I'm just living in a grey mood of fake happy from smoking fucking weed all the time. My lady told me she wants to die. She doesn't want to kill herself because she doesn't want to leave me and the kids without her, but she says she had no reason to live. I can't afford to pay for her to talk to someone professionally. She doesn't want to talk about anything specific about the depression, just says she's sad. Doesn't know why. And I fucking get it. I feel the same. Just cruising by, same day after same day. No happy. No sad. Just tired. Emotionally grey. I don't know what to say to her when she says she's sad. It feels like I annoy her if I try to comfort her with hugs or saying I'm here to talk. I don't know what to do, so I don't do anything. It's like, I wanna help, but my fucking mind won't even try to help. Just a droning ""uuuuuuhhhhhhhhh"" in my fucking head. I'm sure the weed doesn't help, but if I quit smoking weed I turn into a giant fucking asshole because every emotion comes out as anger. So what the fuck man? How the fuck do I even begin to deal with this? Somebody fucking help man.",moderate
dev_pid_1917,"I'm a failure : I'm lonely.  I cannot talk to people. I get too nervous/anxious and I can't take it for too long. Talking to people is so taxing. I also never know what to say or how to say it, words come out wrong and I sound like an idiot. 
Of course when I say that I cannot stand talking to people, geniuses answer me with ""then why are you complaining about being lonely, you want to be lonely!"" NO YOU DUMBASS.  I wish I was normal so I could have what others have but I cannot.
I though things would get easier when I got older but it's the opposite. I have anxieties that I cannot express because they offend, so I must keep them inside and they rot me. I don't feel much anymore, I don't look forward to anything. Everything I try ends up in failure or worse.",moderate
dev_pid_1918,"I don't know why I don't do what I want, I don't know who I am : Hello, I will try to simplify this post but it could be long
I am a 19 years old, and currently in college. I don't have much friends so I find it difficult to confide to anyone, and my parents used to be very strict and I usually perform well academically so I prefer not to let them down. So here I am here. I want to change myself for the better and I want to learn to care for myself (what I want long-term not short-term).
When people ask me what I enjoy doing, I say maths. I tried very hard in learning maths since 2 and a half years ago, and the context is that I was preparing for a ""high-level"" math exam. Thinking back to the time, I don't know if I tried so hard because I found maths fun, or because I just wanted to prove that I can achieve something impressive. Another thing is since 11th grade I started to lose friends and I truthfully don't know why I lose friends, but it could be because I am too scared at making conversations. So in 11th and 12th grade I tried instead very hard in learning even more math, doing both the IB higher level and Further level Maths. Of course, during that time I spent my free time not revising and doing math in doing my own stuff such as watching animate, playing games, etc.
However, I always try to take the hardest course in maths, so truthfully a part of me realizes that I do maths not because I like math, but I have some sort of ego and I want to prove to people around me that I am better than them.
Now, I reach the point where I took way too much challenging classes in university, and it is almost finals and I find myself playing Minecraft and failing to control myself. Sometimes people ask me if I want to do something or have something to do, and I say ""I am busy"". Then, I say to myself ""I should probably use that time revising"" but end up playing minecraft (or another game but I believe they are still the same idea). I thought I liked maths, so I am supposed to find it as fun doing maths as playing minecraft, but my subconsciousness just push me to play minecraft rather than do maths, and I play several hours without stop, even if I initially allocate a small amount of time on it. 
So, here is 2 questions I want to solve, and I want to ask if anyone can guide me to solving it:  
1. Why don't I understand myself? How do I know if I really enjoy maths as itself? I am so confused even after 2 years of learning a load of maths.
2. What do I want in life? of course I want to feel happiness, but truthfully the only thing I know I want is recognition and for others to love me, and this I am sure I want. I just know this because my whole heart feels happy when I get recognition. Other than that, I really am not sure what I want long-term. Many times I imagine myself mastering all the math concepts and become some math genius, and people recognize me for my hard work and achievements. Another thing I want to say is I am sure I want to love doing math, but what if I don't love math in reality? It feels like many of my hobbies (piano, chess, math) are actually because I was forced or driven to do them in the past, but I don't even like them in reality, because I'd rather play something like Minecraft...",moderate
dev_pid_1919,"im tired trying to find what my parents failed to provide : years ago, i was the reason why my parents broke up. well, it wasn't totally my fault but i did something that made the situation worse. even before i found out that my mother was cheating, they weren't providing me the attention that i was seeking. i tried to find it in my friends, it turns out that most of them only wants the be friends with me because they needed something from me. i tried to find it in my self, tried focusing on self-love, didn't worked as well. i tried finding it in others, everytime i attempt in forming relationships, i get rejected. im tired trying to find the love i deserve. if only i've made the correct choices before, i wouldn't be here in my current situation, begging for the attention i've always wanted. i hope i get the courage to end it all",moderate
dev_pid_1920,"Panic attack ruined a date : I am feeling so shitty and don’t know where to turn. I was sexually assaulted about 3 years ago by my boyfriend at the time, but didn’t realize it until about a year ago. We’ve been broken up for 2+ years, but I haven’t been in a serious relationship since. I went on a second date tonight with a guy I met on Hinge that I was really enjoying, and as soon as things starting getting physical my mind flipped out. I completely spaced out and couldn’t breathe. Excused myself to the bathroom and could barely stand up straight. I was in there for a long time and realized I needed to go home. I explained I was feeling panicky or whatever I said, and left. I feel so awful. I was actually having fun and up and left on him. I’ve had sex w other people since the assault and haven’t had problems, but some days it just grips me and today was one of them. I feel like I’m never going to find someone, and am constantly in fear of being alone or my mental illness/trauma ruining my chances of future relationships. I hate it so much and just needed to get it out.",moderate
dev_pid_1921,"I hate this : I feel so hopeless like no matter how hard I try at anything my anxiety just takes over and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel so frustrated and hopeless and worthless. I don't even deal with anything anywhere near as bad as anyone I've ever met or heard of their issues and yet all I can do is cry over my sorrow and helplessness towards myself.
It's gotten so bad even wanting to tell my friends feels like an absolute waste. It's just the same issues I can't get over that ebb and flow in my mind. If I tell them what happened I know they'll worry and they'll tell me it's okay but I know I'm bothering them I know all I'm doing is wasting their time and energy on my pitiful issues and it kills me inside. I feel guilty at everything I do. I can't stand this guilty sadness that comes basically every day over anything. I love them so much I don't want to make them deal with me but I love them so much I don't want to be away from them. It's so infuriating to not have control over my mind and what I'm thinking of. My mind just spirals out of control from a small trigger of almost anything and I become a mess. I hate this.",moderate
dev_pid_1922,"I’m doing pretty well in life right now, but I still feel like shit. : I’ve been pretty depressed since October. I’m in grad school and am doing well, I enjoy it. I have a boyfriend I live with in our own apartment, two cats, I’m doing okay financially, and my prospects look good for after school is done. But I’m still so depressed. I’ve been trying to find a therapist since January, but because I’m on Medicaid now, there aren’t a lot of therapists who accept my insurance and have availability. I’ve contacted like 7 different places now and no luck. It’s getting super discouraging. 
I also feel like I’ve isolated myself from friends; I still have plenty of friends who I see semi-regularly, but I’m so horrible about opening up to them or just going to them for advice and I feel like I’m drowning in my own head. I keep feeling like I’m too type A to ever be in a relationship with anybody and it’s making me want to self sabotage and be single and friendless for the rest of my life. But I know that’s not really what I want, or what would make me happiest. I like having friends and I really do love my relationship, but my head is so fucked right now that everything feels wrong. 
I really just NEED to get a fucking therapist so I can just talk openly about this shit and get some actual perspective instead of just going in circles with myself and catastrophizing. But I don’t know when that’s going to happen and It’s only getting worse. I’m not suicidal or anything but I just feel so wrapped up in my head and it’s causing me not to enjoy life and be in the moment, and I hate that. 
My bf is drunk and asleep next to me right now and I just needed a place to vent about this. I’m just sad.",moderate
dev_pid_1923,"I need to rant, my parents have frustrated me. : My parents have gaslit me most of my life. It’s been getting better working with my therapist and identifying with them what I’m unhappy about. I have autism and ptsd along with depression. My dad has combat ptsd and has been struggling all month with jokes and panic attacks. I haven’t been able to hold a conversation all day without him getting frustrated. Of course at some point in the latest blow up my mom leans her car chair into my space and offers me a hand to hold. I couldn’t do it at the time and tried to calmly decline. She persisted and I started freaking out. And fuck me right? She starts crying quietly because she just wants to help and I know that’s it but I couldn’t. When I calmed down and asked if I could try to hold her hand she said no. And doesn’t want to talk to me or my dad. I feel like I’m the problem. And I know I’m now. I feel like I should’ve stayed at my dorm this weekend. It doesn’t help that I started the dialogue in our friends house and now I’ve embarrassed everyone.",moderate
dev_pid_1924,"I need some help. : I feel completely alone. I feel like I havent been able to talk to anyone without any serious judgement backlash. I have been thinking dark thoughts for months now that bring some grafic nightmares at time. I think I some depression but I dont know how to talk about it without putting my job or relationship in jeopardy, so I just put on that fake happy smile and just say ""I'm good"" and let situation pass so I dont cause any issues. But I feel myself slowly degrading mentally and physically at this point. I have gotten to the point to watch some really depressing videos then watch something really happy to just feel joy again. I don't know what to do anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_1925,"I wanna give up. I don't see it getting any better : I feel like I keep messing up at my new job, I keep making my girlfriend upset, my friends don't wanna hang out with me, I never wanna eat, I don't like any of my video games anymore... I was just sitting at Dunkin donuts earlier and these 2 kids that couldn't have been older than 15 came up to me to ask if I was okay because I looked really upset. I thought I looked normal. I don't know when I started falling apart like this, how could this even happen? I'm so tired. I try to be that light for other people but I can't do it for myself, the people closest to me are there to catch me when I fall but I just don't wanna stand up anymore. I don't know. Thank you to whoever reads this. Usually putting my feelings into words makes me feel better but its not working this time. I guess whatever happens happens, we'll see",moderate
dev_pid_1926,"I wish I was dead : I wish I actually liked myself. I wish I was disciplined enough to handle my schoolwork. I wish I was better at my job. I wish I actually had a real goal, that I was actually passionate about. I wish I wasn’t depressed. I wish my family would stop calling me smart. I wish I was actually good enough. I wish I didn’t overeat. I wish I didn’t oversleep. I wish I weighed less. I wish I was more attractive. I wish I had my own place. I wish I wasn’t a freeloader. I wish I wasn’t a burden. I wish I was more alone. I wish I didn’t deserve to suffer. I wish I never dropped out of RIT. I wish I never was born. I wish I was dead.",moderate
dev_pid_1927,"I'm Scared. : I'm scared of going to do a CT on my brain. I believe i have a tumor growing. Over the years i lost the ability to stay focused, my memory got awfully bad that i wouldn't remember to close the window before closing the curtain. I became very moody also not a day without waking up with severe headache/pain and i noticed im unable to memorise my origin tongue language alphabet correct. I no longer also able to do competitive gaming because my reflexes are in the gutter.. 
I'm horrified and scared and it isn't helping my depression that i have been avoiding/supressing for the last 3 years. Im a (21, M).",moderate
dev_pid_1928,"Stress plus exhaustion plus depression equals me. : I have to be awake in less than 5 hours to bathe and drive 3 hours, not including traffic to go sit in a class and pay attention for 3 days and I am so stressed out and depressed. I worked all day today after not getting much sleep last night and I literally cannot sleep. I've stressed myself to the point of just being hopelessly awake because idk what's going on and i don't know why I have to feel this way or any of the ways I ever feel. I just wanted to get a good night's sleep and have an easy drive tomorrow but I'm going to be exhausted while driving and it doesn't even matter. Oh well. My problem I guess. Ugh
 Depression is the worst.",moderate
dev_pid_1929,"How do you help someone with depression? : I have a very close friend of a few years. She has confided with me about her depression, self harming, almost taking her own life at one point. I've just been around as a listening ear but it has really deteriorated where she has started to cut off her social life now and I'm pretty much her only friend right now. What else can I do? Can't get into too much details because I think she browses this sub (hence the throwaway).",moderate
dev_pid_1930,"I need to write this : I should write this in a journal, but I've found that dwelling too long is hard, and typing is a much faster mode of writing things out. So you do not need to read. Most of it is incomprehensible and incomplete anyway.
My therapist said today that when there is something I need to do that I tend to turn towards denial, until it is very close to a deadline and I end up putting myself into an anxious, depressed spiral.  We made a plan for what I was going to do for the rest of the day and I've failed to follow through, which exasperates the spiral. 
I can't really talk to my friends, except one. But I don't feel like talking to them anyway. I'm just in bed, watching videos, pretending that I am doing something. I feel fat, I feel tired by my own tiredness from sleeping, I feel hungry though there are dishes that I need to do before I can eat. It occurred to me a while ago that I am not really experiencing depression, but this is the only sub I can think of.  I'm self-sabotaging, and if I stopped I wouldn't be feeling this. I would feel okay. But I do this to myself. I want to spiral to bottom. Not really, of course.
There is a quote from BoJack Horseman that's been rattling in my brain. He had bigger mistakes than me, and he did a lot worse things than I have ever done. But I've done shitty things, and I cant help but think:
""How do you make something right when you've made it so wrong you can never go back?""",moderate
dev_pid_1931,"I don't want to exist : In theast month, I have been thinking of suicide. It wasn't serious, just a thought. But this week I realised that I truly don't want to exist. I hate being here. I hate that everybody is so noisy and talks bullshit all the time. And I can't say that they are idiots. I just want to get into peace and silence. 
I can't even cry. I am just thinking about this all day.
So maybe writing down my thoughts and feelings would help.  But tbh I don't know what should I do.",moderate
dev_pid_1932,"It's not your time : I know life is hard. It's unfair, unforgiving, and uncaring. There are times where the weight of the world is too much to bare. Where waking up is half the battle and getting out of bed is the other. It feels like regardless of how many people are around you telling you they love you, you've never felt so alone. Maybe you think suicide is the way out. I can tell you with 100% honesty that I feel the exact same way. Every day is a fight to answer the question of if my existence means anything to anyone. I ask myself who would care if I died? I fight these demons every day. Hell, it took a week to be able to say any of this here. But, here I stand, fighting this monster with all of you and there's something important you need to know...
It's not your time. 
I've been crying for 7 days in a row thinking about you. Yes, you. The person looking at this and thinking of taking his/her/their own life. And how your life and pain mirrors mine. The facade you put on just to make it through the day. The hellscape that is your brain telling you you're incapable of being loved. That you have no worth or value to anyone in your life. But I want to let you know, you matter to me. Your struggle, your sadness, I see you and you mean something. Not just to me, and stay with me on this one, but to everyone your light (or darkness) has touched. The world needs you to live. You do serve a greater purpose. Not cause god says so. But because somewhere within you, your light is still going. It may be dimmed, it may be clouded, the fog may be thick. But it's there. You can't die yet. I need you. Knowing you exist let's me know I'm not alone. And, as mortifying as it is, we share pain. And the idea of losing you would hurt me more than I already do.
For me, for us, don't let go. It's not your time.",moderate
dev_pid_1933,"Hoarding/Cleaning with adhd & depression : Recently tried to put myself on a schedule coordinated w/ my boss where i have off and clean every sunday so my room stays clean, but im still having trouble. It’s definitely helped having the same day every week to clean but it’s still so hard to get myaelf to do it.
I walk in to my room and i see the mess and it just makes me so depressed i dont even want to clean it, and i end up just going and laying face flat on my bed and falling asleep because i cant muster cleaning my room. And on top of that with adhd even if i make myself try i either just distract myself 10273 times or get so bored cleaning that i get depressed as fuck.
I struggle with this more than anything else in my life, please any advice?",moderate
dev_pid_1934,"I washed my hair tonight : I’ve made a post like this a couple months ago, but I have only showered once since then. I’ve been so down, to the point I  literally don’t  care anymore.  Haven’t talked to my family or few friends I have. At one point, I honestly considered ending it all. I didn’t see a point. My boyfriend went had to deal with something today and in a way, it inspired me. I want to plan ahead. For the future. So I did some research and reached out to a few people. I also worked tonight. I got off work at 11pm and when I got home, I didn’t even think about it, I just brushed out my hair and got in the shower. That’s not like me. But wow. Am I glad I did it. Maybe there is a light at the end of the long, curvy road. ❤️",moderate
dev_pid_1935,"Help me : I struggled violently with depression. My childhood was riddled trauma. I won't pretend that I suffered more than anybody else. Ive read many books on mental health. I've done so much to change myself over the years. Ive finally gained the courage to live past my burdens and use my pain as courage to step forward. I found purpose. I have decided that I will create a class in all schools focused around mental health. The focus will be to educate students on how to improve their mental health and how to improve their own lives. To anyone who knows even the basics on mental health and emotional intelligence. You should understand how much this knowledge can improve someone's life. How dramatic people can improve their lives if they use this knowledge. I know I can do this. Im absolutely certain that this will work. I just need someone to point me in the right direction. I'm doing some research but I'm no expert. I'd like to reach out to a doctor who is a specialist in this field. Tip help me get together the data and help me organize a pitch for schools to perfect a proper curriculum. I also need to know where to go with this idea. Im in Tom's river nj. I figured going to town hall is a good start but who would I talk to? Is it ok till pitch an idea there? I reached out last week to the principal of a nearby high school. He still hasn't responded. So I'll keep trying. If anyone has any suggestions please don't hesitate, tell me anything you might know. If anyone tries to discourage me, don't bother. I'm more stubborn than anyone you've ever met. And im insane, I have the doctor's note to prove it. I won't stop. I know that this will help save some kids. Even if I only help one. It's worth giving it my absolute all. If anyone knows a better subreddit for me to post this on please let me know. Thank you all for your support",moderate
dev_pid_1936,"Goodluck to everyone here. : I am leaving r/depression, i don't find it helping me in any way.
Like in real life there is no one to talk to, any time i do get a response its negative, hateful, hurtful, ""it gets better"" or ""just do this"" like it is that easy.
I feel as if you cant openly express yourself, not to mention i feel very low when i talk about myself or throw my problems onto others, especially since i know you're here and are suffering as well; It's not fair to you. 
I see all your posts and I become more saddened that you are in such a spot and I have no words that can benefit you that others haven't already said in a hopefully more intelligent and helpful manner.
I just wish you luck in finding your way.",moderate
dev_pid_1937,Husband is stonewalling me : He's been doing it since Wednesday. I know about a girl he works with. A million things have lead to this and he's choosing to ignore me. For the first time in 5 years I'm feeling a strong urge to cut. I have no friends and no family. I'm in a state I don't know anyone in. I'm all alone and I don't want to be here anymore it feels like.,moderate
dev_pid_1938,"Is anyone else out there doing absolutely nothing with their life, like, NOTHING, at all? : I’m just a little freaked out to be honest. I’m 19M. I have no interests. No motivation. No anything to do anything. I literally just scroll through my phone all day. Everything else is just repetitive. I have no friends. I have no pursuits. I have nothing. I don’t do anything. Like at all. I don’t even watch movies or play video games. I do nothing and don’t want to do anything and haven’t for a long time. I feel like this isn’t what life should be like. In childhood I was constantly doing things and feeling good and liking things and having friends. I don’t know what happened. I’m terrified. I just pace around my room feeling horrible.",moderate
dev_pid_1939,I can’t open up : I’m suffering so bad with depression I hate my life I just don’t enjoy anything I find it so hard to open up to anyone even typing this is hard I just can’t open up to anyone I feel so embarrassed and ashamed I can’t even go to the doctor I just can’t speak about it no words come out I don’t know what to do,moderate
dev_pid_1940,"WTF is wrong with me... : No one really talks to me anymore, besides at work. My own husband (who is on deployment) ignores me or just doesn't talk to me when I know he is just sitting in his room. Almost every single one of my ""friends"" barely or doesn't talk to me even if I reach out... I feel so hated",moderate
dev_pid_1941,"this feels like a curse : it just seems like i’m always hitting a wall. whenever i try to do things that i “should be” doing in this life to feel more alive and like my mind isn’t tormenting me all the time, it just backfires. all of my friends have something or someone going for them. i just feel blocked in every way. school, work, or romantic relationships don’t work. in friendships i feel like the background friend. i’m there only when i’m needed and never a priority or favorite in anyone’s life. my physical health keeps getting worse. every time i think there’s even a chance at something making me even a little bit happy it is violently snatched from me and i’m back to wanting to kill myself. i don’t even know why i’m still here. i guess i’m fighting for this life, but i don’t know. i feel like i can’t get out of this hellhole.",moderate
dev_pid_1942,"I have severe depression but I make sure I shower daily. : I have severe depression but i shower/bathe twice a day to make sure everything on my body is clean, my very short hair and I go to the hairdresser to keep it short so I don’t struggle cleaning and brushing my hair. I scrub behind my ears because who wants to put their hearing aids behind their dirty ears? I don’t. I wash my neck, torso, arms, legs, back, feet. Then I bathe and clean the rest of my body. Anyone with lady parts down there, use vaginal soap that won’t mess up your feminine ph balance. Not regular soap. Clean your entire butt, and no men/ guys it won’t make you gay, same thing with cleaning your parts too. Nobody wants to smell a dirty butthole. Im in my early 20’s since some people would assume that everyone who wears hearing aid/s are old grumpy people. News flash! Anyone at any age can be hard of hearing or/and deaf. There are babies, kids, teens to adults who wear heating aids/ cochlear implants. Have a wonderful day.",moderate
dev_pid_1943,"I think I might kill myself, but I’m not scared : For 3 years I’ve been suicidal, and normally when I get close to doing it in start thinking about if it went wrong, if it hurt or if something really bad happened. But for some reason, I’m not scared now. I’m 14 and yet I feel like I’ve lived enough of life to say it’s not worth living for me, and honestly the only issue at the moment it how it would hurt. Luckily we have vodka and pills in the cuboards, and so if I took all of them and slit my throat I might finish it. 
Idk, for once I feel like I might be able to actually do it. And I’m not scared, so maybe I will!",moderate
dev_pid_1944,"I hate myself : I have struggled with my self image all my life. I've always looked at myself in the mirror thinking I was fat, ugly and unworthy. I spent my younger years letting people take advantage of me just to feel good about myself. This was at a time when I look back now that I realised I was beautiful and thin. Now 10 years later I have gained weight and can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. 
I've been in a relationship with the same person for 8 years. He tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful but no matter the words he tells me I just don't believe him. I can't even motivate myself to fix the things I hate. Interacting with family, old friends, or even just trying to get the will to leave the house to seek help gives me crippling anxiety. This has become worse since I lost my job about a month and a half ago. 
I hide this from everyone around me fearing that they will tell me it's not true when I know it is. Or worse, making me seek help when I know it won't do anything. Some nights I lay there crying only feeling the intense pains in my chest. If I do sleep I have vivid dreams of loved ones telling me they are disgusted by me and hate me. 
I'm tired of living my life like this, I don't want to feel this way anymore but I can't motivate myself to seek help.",moderate
dev_pid_1945,"Being depressed isn't too bad : I started coping with depression unhealthy when I was 18, turning to hard drugs, spent almost every waking moment of the last few years doing drugs. Before then I dropped out of school at 15, became a severe shut-in, had no motivation or will to do anything at all. The drugs gave me a reason to live, for more drugs, but I still had no motivation or will to do anything outside of drugs unless it'd get me more drugs. I started selling drugs, it started out as selling weed to get by you know? But the real money wasn't in weed, it was in MDMA. Coke. Heroin, fent, LSD. I started dealing hard to the point I was selling heroin to my mom and grandma so I could get high as fuck and forget about it all, seriously scummy shit and that's only the tip of the iceberg of the bad choices I've made the last few years to deal with this state of mind... 
I'm tired of being a scumbag, I've come to understand this feeling (and lack thereof feeling generally) quite well. I think ultimately, being depressed isn't that bad compared to the alternative for some. You may think right now you're the biggest piece of shit due to your mind telling you so but I tell you the biggest pieces of shit? It's the ones who can commit the worst of grime and let it go straight off them, that's how I've spent the last few years, in a megalomaniac and narcissistic stir. 
Make yourself a nice cup of tea, put on some good tunes and try to enjoy the good things in life in each and every moment. There's going to be a lot of painful valleys but there's a lot of beautiful peaks in life too. Peace brothers...",moderate
dev_pid_1946,"I don’t know what to do. : While I’m not depressed my sister is/was. She is getting into the dating stage of her life in junior year, and so far she’s had 3 boyfriends that all cut it off in like a month. My sister is not at fault she is one of the most kind and caring people and to see these asshole break her heart not only pisses me off, but I’m also worried for her. While she hasn’t said anything along the lines of suicide or hurting herself, I can’t help but feel that she’s getting to a breaking point. She’s fought her depression in the past and opened up to it but I’m afraid she’s gonna down spiral again. As her big brother I love her and tell her everyday and I need help figuring out what to do for her. So what should I do?",moderate
dev_pid_1947,"I don't want to wake up tomorrow : I've been losing interest in more and more things as time passes. From hobbies to everyday activities. Newest thing is sleep. I don't want to sleep even when I'm exhausted even if I want the rejuvenation of sleeping, I don't want to deal with everything even remotely associated with the next day.
I can never ""fix"" my sleep schedule and it's always skewed, leaving me waking up at 3 am or 2 pm. Then the burdens of everyday life hit and im instantly filled with sadness, anger/frustration, and or anxiety and I'm tired of it (pun not intended).
 I finally understand when people say ""I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up"" or whatever along those lines",moderate
dev_pid_1948,"i’m so filled with hate : i hate everything and everyone. i’m always so angry and irritable. just the sound of people living drives me insane. the smallest things make me lash out, i can’t control myself anymore. i hate myself, i hate my life and i hate everyone and everything in it. i’m tired, and i’m tired of feeling like this. i just want some peace.",moderate
dev_pid_1949,"Supposedly, we are all broke, just at a different level. : My brother wants to cheer me up during my current unemployment. 
He says that a guy with a hundred thousand dollar car is just as broke as me. Here just has a hundred thousand dollar car.
Well I return with the value that cast has in resale would give me a year to find another job. 
""But, you are not seeing the point"", says my brother. 
 ""No, that guy's hundred thousand dollar car would sell quickly for $50k and pay my bills for a year"", I say. ""That is exactly why I'm broke looking at homelessness and he will still be happy when his business fails."" ""It isn't like he really has his life at stake, just his comfort level.""
""But you aren't getting my point, happiness is something you choose.""
""Maybe when you have a hundred thousand dollar car it is."" 
Then he hangs up.
Yeah, delusional people love to believe that you are delusional.
I'm so sick of poor people defending rich people like they have any redeemable value beyond mulch after their money is removed. 
Fuck capitalism.",moderate
dev_pid_1950,"Ready to die : Just had what seems like my 100th break up because of depression related behavior.
Age 35 and no one has ever been down to weather the storms of my depression and anxiety, even just being non conversational on down days.
I simply am “wrong” to most people.
I grew up in a stable family and that’s all I’ve ever wanted in adult life and it simply won’t happen nor seem likely to happen.
This happens at work too, simply “wrong” about how I see things - depression makes me very critical as nothing feels good or right.
Everyone else seems like they’ll be fine whether or not I’m around. I can’t talk to my therapist now because she’s on maternity leave. Everyone’s doing their happy thing and I’m just seeing holes everywhere.
What else is there to do but die? My adolescent dream was to not be depressed and there have been glimpses of that but doesn’t seem in the cards.
What else is there to do but die? The way I am is simply “wrong” to everyone.
Have tried just about everything.
50/50 chance of making it to next Saturday.",moderate
dev_pid_1951,"In my own words... : A smile is noted as a symbol of expression that can sometimes reflect happiness, confidence and positivity. There was this photo I took during my campaign running for city council, I was smiling, it was a time where I could see God in the details of everything that was happening around me. I realized then that my path was not my own, understanding I was solely a vessel operating through the Will of God. There was a greater purpose then even I could see for why I had been placed at this very moment in time. 
What I did not anticipate and underestimated were the struggles I would endure that were also a part of this journey. See, the last 10-months in this position have literally broken me and the internal house I had been building started to come crashing down forcing me into one of the lowest points of my life. My smile was now filled with pain, confusion and a deep feeling of being lost. There are days I would cry out to God for understanding and comfort during these moments of despair. I never knew doing the right thing or lifting up God’s people would be so hard. I’m constantly faced with the realities of my own childhood and what my family had to endure just to survive in a world that had casted us out for the mistakes we made. 
There are days I don’t want to wake up and unfortunately that’s just my truth. As I self-reflect, I am reminded of the statements I’ve uttered to others during times like this, “Everything we’ve endured has prepared us for such a time as this...” or “Hold onto your faith and God will see you through it.” As true as these statements are, it’s something to be said about how these struggles can sometimes embody such a looming darkness you can no longer see even the flickering of light. 
Throughout time God has tested the least of these, as doubt is the greatest conqueror of all for it breathes fear and fear eliminates the possibilities of faith. I am unclear of the path ahead, but every day I am reminded of the strength God has bestowed upon me to continue pushing forward. I realize now that there are things in my life that I will not be able to control, which is why having a “relentless faith” is so important. You must learn to trust God within the entirety of your being and know that there is “immaculate purpose” operating within the moments of your uncertainty.
It’s okay to feel lost, because sometimes we must be lost in order to find our self. How else would we know if we are ready for what God is preparing us for without experiences designed to test our inner self (spirit) and purpose? It’s within the essence of our divinity that God reminds us, no weapon formed against us shall prosper. We were created to experience this world and overcome the demons we may unconsciously keep suppressed deep within ourselves. 
Our struggles become the catalyst to bring forth our true testimony, a powerful story of transmutation and transformation, that becomes an inspirational example for others to realize their ability to overcome that which may seem impossible in their life. I’ve always said that our lives are not our own, even in the most selfish of times, we are mere reflections of the possibilities within each other and we all contribute to elevating the overall consciousness in the world. I am here today as an example that there is nothing I have done that you too cannot do.",moderate
dev_pid_1952,"How do you guys deal with the sexual dysfunction that comes with depression? : It partially ruined my last relationship. Recently, I brought home an 8/10 from the bar a couple of months ago and didn't even care. I couldn't get aroused at all. Which it turn makes me feel worse. It sucks and I feel like no one talks about it.",moderate
dev_pid_1953,"To my Ex Girlfriend : I'm happy to know that you're okay, that you've move on already.   
I always pray that He will give you a man, that will love and respect you forever. A man that you will not want to loose. A man that will fight for you no matter what it take. A man that will not give up on you.  
You told me that I deserve someone better. without knowing that all I want is you. That I'm contented with you. Yes there are girls who are better than you, but I want you to know that I will still choose you. The girl that captivated my heart. The simplest girl, with the most beautiful smile.  
I always imagine the both of us telling our greatest love story to our grandchildren, little I did know that the love story I want to share with will come to an end. I need to move on. I need to be strong because for now, that's the only choice I have.  
I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused, I'm sorry for all my lapses, I'm sorry for all the mistakes I've made. Every night I pray to give you the best of everything because you deserve to be happy. You deserve the happiness that I wasn't able to give.   
Just in case, I'm still hoping that you will give me another chance, but I know slowly I will understand why all of this happened.   
Thank you and sorry for everything.",moderate
dev_pid_1954,"Sorry this is long. I haven't been myself in awhile. : Hello. I don't know if I have depression because I haven't been diagnosed or anything but I just know things are not right internally. I haven't been myself in months and it seems like daily activities are becoming hard for me to do. My favourite part of the day is when I get to sleep, but I'm not physically tired and can often only fall asleep around 3-4AM. On nights where I know I need to sleep, I use benadryl to knock me out because I find my thoughts are making me restless. My mind is exhausting. It's like I'm tired of hearing myself think. I use music to distract myself when I am alone. I have sort of isolated myself socially too. I used to see my friends daily (I am a University student) but now it can go anywhere from 1-3 times every week or two. I spend a lot of time by myself. I don't know why but it seems like I cry at any point - nothing has to be triggering me, tears just form and that's that. I've been unhappy for a few months but never believed it to be serious. I've talked to a few counselors about anxiety which is something I've been dealing with for about 2 years. It has gotten significantly bad over the last few months. I just can't trust my mood anymore. It's very unstable and I find my thoughts spiral into either extremely great where I love myself or extremely low where I want to end my life. I don't want to use suicidal ideology infront of School counselors because I'm aware they'll have to break some kind of confidentiality. I just don't know what I'm looking forward to anymore. The days and weeks just consist of me going to class (if I can muster the energy to and somehow calm my thoughts of going) and coming home. Even when times were bad, I never used to feel like this. I used to be (and still appear to be) a happy go-lucky person who could find any reason to smile. I can be optimistic and caring and sweet to others but lately I cannot find this for myself. From an outside perspective I seem to be having a pretty good life. I have everything I thought I wanted but I've never been more miserable. I don't know how to tell someone else this. I feel like a fraud. I feel like I'm living a lie. I feel like I want to disappear. There are so many words I want to say but I find myself slowly becoming quieter and more reserved. I feel like hiding under a blanket and sleeping. I also feel extremely guilty because my parents have done everything to give me a good life. I have so many blessings in this life and am really trying to stay positive and be grateful for everything God has blessed me with. I just can't get rid of this feeling. Always unstable and empty.If you're still reading, thank you.",moderate
dev_pid_1955,"What is wrong with me, Why can't I just be a normal functioning person. : Why can't I just be a normal functioning fucking person. I am 20 years old I have spent almost my entire life alone. I go weeks or months without human contact. I hate everything about myself I can't even hold a conversation for more than a few minutes without making things awkward and just leaving. I have an empty husk of a life, I hate it so much. I can't maintain relationships every friendship I make just falls apart a month or two later. The two times I have tried dating in my life ended in disaster. For some reason everyone keeps going on about how smart I am and that I will have some bright future, but I can't imagine anything but working my life away until I die alone. I don't even feel like I am a real person sometimes I spend so much time alone I have pretend coversations with people I have met a few times. I have watched so many videos and played so many games I just feel numb to them now no entertainment does anything for me. I just lay around in my room, and only leave if I need to. I hate myself so much, I feel like I am in hell sometimes. I am so tired of my own exsistence. I still can't stop thinking about things that happened in middle school. I had so many big plans when I was a kid I wanted to go out and change the world I wanted to make things better for everyone. I don't know why I just have this constant feeling of guilt and self hatred. I self-sabatoge constantly. As I type this I am failing my college classes and have midterms coming up and I havent studied at all. I don't know why I feel like I deserve all this for some reason, I feel like I don't deserve happiness, or love, or social interaction. I feel so disconnected from reality that years feel like months. I have gotten angry over things that didn't happen I feel like I have spent a lifetime alone with my thoughts. I have typed out messages on this a thousand times, and I always delete it about 5 seconds later. I'm terrified of interacting with people but I don't know what to do I need to do something. I don't do this anymore, but I used to beat myself, like I made a switch out of a stick I found once and kept it for months. For every time I made the most minor of social mistakes I would beat myself with it. Then I started hitting myself after I threw away the stick. I don't know what to do I work at a McDonald's, and I am just a broke college student who can't afford health care, or going to a doctor, or therapist, or counselor, and I have had past negative experiences with therapists. I feel like I go back and forth from feeling perfectly fine in my complete isolation, to pacing my room feeling like I am going insane. I don't know what I think I am accomplishing by posting this here, but idk maybe something will change if I do something different. I will probably just not use this account for a few days or a week or two because I am terrified of what people will say to me. I also had to try very hard not to but I have problems not lying almost constantly, I have so little going on in my life anytime I talk to anyone I half to just make everything up to make myself seem like a normal person.",moderate
dev_pid_1956,"my sunday is always the worst : during my school time and the beginning of my work time, sunday is always my best time. my fun time. like i never thinking about suicide, depression or anything kinda like during sunday  
but at mear end of 2019 and beginning 2020, i feel sunday was the same day as any othee day. worst. like...i cant even having fun that day. therea always suicidal thinking during that day. 
i wish i can have a better sunday..i dont need great sunday. just a better sunday",moderate
dev_pid_1957,"Idk, : I’ve been emotionally abused all my life and I’ve never realized it.. I’m realizing more things and genuinely don’t know how to feel ab it. I go to therapy but that’s on hold for some reason. I’ve been looking for help for a while since I can’t go back to therapy but non of them stay for long, are there any help resources out there?",moderate
dev_pid_1958,"Does anyone else feel comforted by the night : When night time comes, I am both more comforted and also freaked out by noises outside or by my kids moving in their beds or by movies I’ve seen. But night is when all is quiet and I can forget how horrible it was to face the day feeling like there was no point, or any relaxation, or the fact that I took out one bag of trash only to collect 3 more from around the house, constant trash. I can be alone to read and hide in my bed. Sleep is a welcome escape from reality. When day comes I have to face the busy reality that is my life. It makes me bitter, to think my life is so hard and I rarely if at all get any rest. I’m tired.",moderate
dev_pid_1959,"It's raining : It's actually raining right now.
I'm lost, I've been so miserable, I finally did what I thought was right, I did what was supposed to be better for me, for my health. But I still feel bad, I still feel like I have no purpose and no use, people see me and think I'm happy, they think I'm in the best mental condition I've ever been, but I still fel horrible. 
People don't know how it is, to wonder how the world would be if I wasn't born. Nothing would be different, no one would be any different. I'm a little stone that gets stared at and talked to sometimes because it's curious and smiling.
I want to be free from my thoughts, I wish I'd be free from life, I don't deserve to be here. 
My family, my friends, my ex. I don't see the point of me here.
They'd be the same or even better without me, so what's the point?
I want to disappear, but even trying that would be a problem for the people close to me. So I can't even escape the awful reality I'm in without hurting others.
It's been raining and it's as bad as it was before.
If you read everything I appreciate it, I had to vent somewhere.
Have a good night/day, I'll probably be fake smiling or crying in bed, but it's all good. For now.",moderate
dev_pid_1960,"Sad : Today I am so sad. I feel so incredibly hopeless and worthless. I don't think there will ever be a time where I don't feel like this I can literally feel my heart aching and it hurts so bad. I don’t know what I’m missing. But there is a void in my life that I am unable to fill. All I see when I look around are people being happy. I feel like I will never be good enough for anyone. All the relationships in my life are meaningless and no one really would be affected if I were no longer in their lives. People keep feeding me empty promises and words that they don’t truly mean. This whole year has felt off, the happy moments are short-lived and fleeting and are so easily overtaken by the sadness I feel. I don’t know what I want and I also don’t know what I can handle. I wish I could go back to the happiest moments I have from the past year and just press pause. I wish I could live forever bike riding in Ocean City or laying on the beach in Malibu. I don’t know if I’m unhappy here or if I’m unhappy anywhere. I think I need to make a change but I don't know how to start.  ",moderate
dev_pid_1961,"somebody stop me from killing myself : when my roommate goes to sleep i want to kill myself, i know theres something to convince me not to. this is a cry for help. im so unbelievably sad, hopeless, and upset right now. i have no hope left and nothing left to give. im gonna write my notes now",moderate
dev_pid_1962,"Stories from those who have been on medication : Here's a bit of background: I don't have a lot of memories. Even now, I struggle with recollection. I can remember inconsequential facts but I can't tell you what month my birthday is without counting on my fingers. My memories exist in fragments. 
My mother and father separated when I was young. I don't quite remember all the details. All I remember is constant fighting, both physical and verbal. My mum is a micromanager who took over my personal life, talking to my friends to tell them that she didn't think it was appropriate for me to be friends with them. She had meetings with my teachers to make sure I was achieving at the level she wanted. She has a tendency to be illogical, manipulative, headstrong, and unapologetic. I've grown up thinking I am stupid and slow contrary to what many work colleagues have told me. I believe I have undiagnosed ADHD, anxiety and depression.
I've being doing 9-to-5 at a good company for 5 years and now want out, to either work part-time, or freelance. I've been depressed for a long time, and working at this company is making it worse as I no longer have any motivation to learn. I'm not sure whether I'm depressed because I'm working here, or whether my depression makes me not want to work here. When I'm depressed, I can't bring myself to do any work or be a functional member of the team. I can barely turn on a light, or get myself a glass of water. I've lost a lot of friends through absentmindedness and lethargic behavior when this behavior manifests.
 I currently don't have enough skills to freelance. I've thought about quitting my job to learn some side skills as my current job requires overtime and my anxiety is making it hard to be efficient and study after work. My boyfriend doesn't understand what I say when I say when I say I'm sad, and I'm also at a loss to explain how I'm feeling. I cry for no reason during the peak of my depression, and feel much better after.
I feel like I'm going through everyday on auto-pilot.
I'm looking to hear stories of those who have gone on medication. What were you prescribed and how did you feel after treatment? Did the fog lift and were you able to think clearly?",moderate
dev_pid_1963,"Depakote (divalproex sodium) : Just started taking it recently (11 days) for my depression and just wondering what other people have to say about the drug or what their experiences are (if u could include how long u were on it/dose that would be helpful).
On 1000 mg daily (500 am / 500 pm) at the moment and only see a little improvement at most. Not sure what to think rn tho.
ty",moderate
dev_pid_1964,"Looking for someone to talk to : I feel like It’s everyday I’m depressed. But at the same time it’s not constant. I can be so happy and all of a sudden it just flips and my thoughts get so bad and dark. I just fake it mid conversation or during the workday, even if no outside factors are contributing to my mood. It’s just eating away at me and I’m so tired of it. I want to hurt myself so bad but I can’t. I would never want to end my life, but some thoughts creep in and I’m just scared. I have no one to talk to about this and it’s just so hard.",moderate
dev_pid_1965,Shit : I feel like all I do is dig myself deeper in depression instead of trying to grab onto hands to climb out I dig deeper till those hands aren't there to bury myself idk when if ever I'll ever do anything stupid but if I ever do it'll be a night like this with noone around as the only difference I don't understand how I can go from enjoying life to wanting to completely obliterate mine,moderate
dev_pid_1966,"I feel so unmotivated everyday : I just wanted to post because Its helped alot of people and i wonder if it will help me.
I feel as days go by I become more and more unmotivated to work, go uni and work out. But I cant figure out why or what makes me feel this way. This morning I just woke up feeling so anxious and found myself contemplating and depicting all my life decisions apart all at once; and i still feel so overwhelmed by it all. I know i need to talk to someone about it but i just dont have close friends/family im willing to open up to because i feel like its too much all at once (im generally a really energetic and happy person)
I feel so exhausted by myself and find it so difficult to pick myself up when i feel this way.. how do i go about finding help? Student services in my uni is quite limited",moderate
dev_pid_1967,"People already mentioned having depression with no apparent reason. What's the best way to bring it up to a therapist? : Might be a stupid question, but it's one of the reasons I'm currently not going to a therapist, besides the questions a therapist might ask me.
Which brings another stupid question: is it possible to ask a therapist to just stick with clinical criterias for depression or would one absolutely need to expand on my personal feelings ?
I mean, if there is no reason for one's depression, one shouldn't really have to speak about his relationship with people or more intimate things. 
One should be able to stick to ""it's been 10 years and I'm dead inside and I break down and cry randomly and frenetically and want to jump down every time I see a train etc... ""
Don't want to sound like a difficult customer, but I don't know the dude and I tend to be defensive unless I absolutely need to make the effort to be more open",moderate
dev_pid_1968,"Depression is a Burden : I’ve always reacted negatively whenever people bring their problems up. The reason why I had loved online friendships so much was because, just for a moment, I could goof around with someone. That I didn’t have to deal with my life of ambitions-that-aren’t. That I could lean back, shoot the shit about literature, or biology, or cute doggies, or the variability of tea, or clothing preferences, or how dumb I thought caterpillars look. 
As soon as the topic came to depression, I’d scamper away. I’d turn off my empathy, and I’d run.
“It’s a matter of action” I’d say. “Instead of sitting around and whining, take the first steps to slowly repair yourself.” “It’s difficult, it’s hard. Problems can’t just vanish in a second, but one can slowly wind themselves out of it.”
And I still believe it. But while I still believe it, I also maintain this conviction within me: not even I take my own advice.
It’s 3:21 AM. I haven’t touched a research paper in weeks. I haven’t started on a long project that I should be doing. I still don’t have circles of friends, but merely disconnected voices online. There’s a single person online that I’ve spoken too longer than anyone else, that my ass has fallen for. But I can’t confide in him. 
I don’t mean confessions. I mean the fact that I just don’t...want to grow up.
I don’t mean age or looks. But fucking hell, I’m still that entitled child. I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to pursue hobbies. I don’t want responsibility. I don’t want to do anything. Even reading, the one thing that I’ve been doing obsessively for years, doesn’t seem interesting.
I just want to sleep. Become a dumb kid again. I’m not trying to defend my thoughts; I have no choice but to go on. I admit it: I don’t want to do anything. 
“Just change your mindset” I...I’m trying. That self-encouragement that’s talked about. “Yes, Orange, you can do it! See how fun this is?”
“But Orange, you’re so dang smart. You come from a wealthy family, make perfect grades, have been called attractive multiple times.” I know. I’m a privileged fuck.  I don’t have anything to complain about.
It’s pathetic, isn’t it? I’ve got all the shit in the world, and I still complain. 
Tomorrow, I wonder how I’ll think about this post. I’ll scold myself for writing it. For admitting to something so abhorrent and immature. I’ll probably be over myself, this middle-of-the-might extravaganza. But my loathing, at least, is true right now. I’ve been crying for an hour, starring outside. I shouldn’t feel like this. I have to do the things I don’t like. I need to make friends. I know. I know I know I know.
But I’m rotten, and I want to never deal with anything ever again. I want to just lay here, in this little room, and never do anything again.",moderate
dev_pid_1969,I been having a lot of serious thoughts : So lately I been having sleepless nights of just me laying in the dark thinking about my death. I came to the realization that I’m worthless. I haven’t had a good night sleep in weeks and it is really affecting how I do in school and sports. I tried all these medications but nothing really works on me anymore. I want to go see a therapist but last time I did nothing helped. I am just in this loop of just thinking of these memories of my past of how shitty of a person I am. Than I think of the solution of why I was a shitty person and it just comes down to me just die. I truly just want to be happy again but I have nice positive thoughts about myself and think that I will have a future after I turn 18. But i just don’t know how to work with myself to make myself better. I tried to a lot of things to make myself better but nothing has been working. Thank you for taking your time to read this.,moderate
dev_pid_1970,"Not over my EX boyfriend from 2 years ago.... : When I was a senior in high school, there was this amazing guy I fell in love with. He was sweet, and kind, he always put me first, but me being the idiot I was, I cried all the time in this relationship. He always told me I was too clingy for wanting to hang out on weekends when we already saw each-other everyday at school.
He would lie behind my back about who he was hanging out with, so we “didn’t have to” hang out. 
And before he dumped me (about a hour before) he cheated on me with a friend of mine. 
I’m over him as a person. But I’m still hurting 2 years later. I don’t know how to explain it, I’ve been in relationships since then of course, but they never fulfill me. I’m not happy. I feel empty and scared that I’ll be hurt again and I push them away before I can get attached or them getting to attached. 
Does anyone have any advice for my situation? Please positive help only. Thank you in advance. 
(And yes he is blocked on all my social media, and he actually moved to a different state, but mentally I’m not over the trauma. Please also note I have dissociative identity disorder.)",moderate
dev_pid_1971,"Love myself they say. : Why? No one has ever shown me any love other than family love. What do I have to love me for? In 11 months I'll be 25, and yes being a virgin does this to me, I want to fucking die, I'm not gonna live with the virgin label after 25, a relationship is what I've been wishing for since I was like 15, only that, I said I have time, yea well look at me now, stuck in the past being a guy who won't commit to a girl who's not a virgin, just because I'm stuck in the past.
I only wish I can find the strength and a fucking shotgun to buy, hang me slowly and shoot my brains out, I'm not gonna wake up, and I won't end up a veggie that's for sure, I'll do my best to be eternal.",moderate
dev_pid_1972,"Who do you go to when everyone ignores you? : Its fucked up when you don’t have anybody to talk to, when you do express yourself those around you will never understand you. I’m not suicidal but if someone was willing to take my life for whatever reason i will just let it happen, there is really no point of me trying. It seems like no matter what i do to move on with my life doesn’t work. I have worked, had plans but things went left and i’m once again caught up in some bullshit. Recently went back to get into therapy and tell why this motherfucker said “I don’t see how you depressed” like “You smart and blah” motherfucker i didn’t know i was supposed to be retarded to be depressed. People are really fucking stupid, reason why i hate talking to anybody. If you talk to family members they will use your words against you, i have   Shitty family who all they do is judge and treat me like shit. People will use you and get rid of you when they no longer need you. I’m still trying to figure out why do i exist, i’m not an alcoholic but drinking sure makes me feel better. Is a fucked up world and i’m really fed up, nobody wants to be around me so i might as well not be around. ✌🏾",moderate
dev_pid_1973,"Hey guys, i dont wanna make it through anymore : Ive always tried to make it through my depression before and thought that in the future i might have a non toxic relationship and maybe lots of friends and hang out party and shit.
But lifes been shitty lately for a year and a half, mom passed away, dad got in an accident. I really want to end my life but i dont know how. I got no friends. I try to talk to my (psychologist) sister but she made it all about her (again). I feel so fucked up. I locked myself in my room and ve been sleeping, dreaming about things. But i always wake up and i always feel shitty after that..
Its funny how everyone thinks im never sad and always smiling and im typing this while im in so much pain.",moderate
dev_pid_1974,"Please help motivate me to see a therapist, get medicine, something. I have been crumbling the entire year and I can’t hold up anymore. : I am so broken. I don’t have any friends. The person I’ve loved the most and I are going through absolute hell this year. I look at everybody as temporary & fake because I plan on moving away in the future, which holds me back from making friends. I have a complete inability to connect with others, except the person mentioned earlier. Found out I have HSV1, which isn’t a huge deal, but sure fucking adds on to everything else. I stopped crying for a few weeks, but the last few days I haven’t been able to avoid it. Tonight has been the worst. I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless. Help, please. I am miserable.",moderate
dev_pid_1975,"I don’t know where I’m heading : Life is just getting too hard, I feel weak. Unable to do anything anymore. I’m so unsure of everything and I don’t feel myself. 
Getting out of bed has become way too hard, I always feel tired even if I get enough sleep, I feel like I’ve lost all sense of reality I’m really struggling. 
About a month ago my best friends dad passed away and it was extremely hard for me in all honesty. She had to move in with us and being an only child it feels like it has changed my life completely, I feel like I’m stuck and so much is being put on me. The more and more we talk to the more distant I feel to the world and I’m struggling to come to terms with it. 
A couple months ago me and my ex broke up and I feel like I’ve lost my soulmate
I feel so useless and worthless a lot of the time like there’s no point in my existence. Like who would care anyway?
I left the house today without anyone knowing and I just walked and walked until I just completely broke down, I was just sitting there so helpless. What really is the point, I eventually went back home but I’m just not feeling the same anymore
Can anyone please help me? this really sucks ://",moderate
dev_pid_1976,"[M13]Does life always fucking suck? : I have so much shit inside of me that I can't tell anyone about. I can't talk to my therapist, my friend group has more important issues (and I don't really think of them as friends anymore, more on that later), and I don't have anyone else. I'm scared. 
A life that sucks this much isn't a life that I find worth living, but I don't want to destroy my chances to help other people, no matter how much it sucks.
The reason I don't think of my friend group as my friends is because we're all misfits. We don't belong anywhere else so we go there. We're friends out of necessity, and deep down, I think we all know that. But I can't leave, and I can't ask them for help, and my only other friend is the girl I told I liked 5 months ago who used to be my best friend. Now we barely talk. 
I'm honestly just terrified of the future. I'm not the type that makes friends easily, and I'm a bit of an asshole. Why the fuck can't I just be normal? I know people who don't fear the time they're left with their own thoughts. Why isn't that me?",moderate
dev_pid_1977,"Can fluoxetine stop me from waking up at the same time in the middle of the night and not falling back to sleep after (anxiety) : I have huge anxiety to sleep, both getting to sleep aswell as when I wake up in the night (always at the same time) and I can therefore never get more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep. I believe the waking up is middle Insomnia or something, caused by anxiety. Can fluoxetine help reduce that, so that I can stay asleep and not wake up, which has been going on for weeks now.",moderate
dev_pid_1978,"I'm scared of death. : I'm holding on for so long, because I've seen first hand the pain and agony that death brings to people around them. I don't want the people who love me to have to go through that. 
But death terrifies me, every single time I watch something that portrays the death of someone, I am terrified. I don't want to see the people I love die. I don't want to have to send them off. I don't want to live in a world without them. What can I do, what can I do. There is no way out of this one. There just isn't.",moderate
dev_pid_1979,"Been prescribed escitalopram but I’m scared to start taking it : The source of my ‘depression’ is kind of complicated but it has a cause that isn’t completely internal and as a result I’m afraid to start taking it in case it’s me just not being able to deal with my problems. 
Does anyone have any advice on taking it and whether it could have long term affects that are detrimental.
It’s only a very low-dose",moderate
dev_pid_1980,"Existential crisis at 36 : It all started in August 2019. I was feeling overworked and stressed in my job and had feelings of pressure that I was not achieving high enough so I applied for a new job within the company and although I had internal doubts that I would be able to keep up with the workload and amount of responsibility, I managed to ace the interview and was successful. 
Only a month into the role I was not sleeping and contracted a severe double ear infection and was still going into work where I was unable to hear people asking me questions and was in constant pain. I was prescribed antibiotics, but they did not work so I was referred to a specialist who provided me with drops and I was signed off work. The drops cleared the infection but I was still having issues with my hearing, after seeing the specialist the second time I was told that both of my eardrums had chronic perforations and that unless I had surgery I would not be able to hear properly again and there was a 25% chance that even with surgery I would not regain the hearing I had lost. 
When I exited the hospital, I broke down in the street, I was sobbing into my sleeve as I walked, and I was at a total loss of what to do. I had been having negative thoughts for a long while, but I had been able to lift myself from them but now they seemed to be hitting me hard and I began to feel that life just was not worth living.
I went home and kept having suicidal thoughts, I kept thinking of ways to end my life without affecting my husband financially, ways in which my death would look accidental in nature. I was home alone for weeks thinking about ways to end my life and I was hiding it from my husband. I did not want to hurt him, for him to see me as a burden in his life or for him to think I was weak and a failure. I kept receiving emails about my situation from work and weeks turned to months and I began to dread having to go to the doctor to ask for a sicknote (which he was more than happy to provide). I lost all purpose and felt like there was nothing in life that I wanted to do. I would make comments about how the anaesthetic from the surgery for my ears might go wrong and then I would not have to think about any of this.
It all came to a head when I was due to return to work and I asked my husband if he could see himself continuing with the same job and he said yes and I looked him in the eyes and simply said I can’t do it anymore. Unfortunately, the timing of this was very poor as we were due to have guests around and he could see that I was in severe distress, but it was too late to cancel. I managed to hold back and after the guests left, we spent the whole night talking, much of which was me sobbing hard about how I did not want to continue to be alive. My whole body hurt; I had been trembling which meant my muscles were sore. My eyes were raw from the tears and from rubbing them. My throat hurt from the gasps of anguish and crying as I explained my issues.
My husband took me to see my GP the next morning and I found it difficult to start the conversation. My husband began and as he told the GP he burst into tears and it broke me again. I don’t think I have ever seen my husband cry. It hurt me to the core to see him so upset. The GP was shocked and immediately prescribed me with antidepressants and information for counselling and support.
Since then my mood has been up and down, I try to think about the future but its very hard to be positive or think of things I want to do or achieve. I hate being off work as it makes me feel like a burden, even though I was receiving sick pay and my company is supportive I just wanted to get it over with and continue with my life but the only issue I kept coming up against was doing what? I have no idea.
The feelings of being a burden kept growing stronger, especially as I knew the sick pay would be reduced to half and then I would be financially dependant on my husband which I feel to be unfair and has never happened in the 13 years we have been together. I have worked hard to try and find something I love enough to consider the possibility of doing as a career, but it is a real struggle. I also wanted to try coming off the medication in order to be less drowsy the following day so I could get more things done so I stopped taking it (for two weeks). I decided that as I love animals, I would try home boarding as an option and in order to relive myself of the pressure to return to my old job I handed in my resignation. My employer was very reluctant to accept the resignation but I honestly did not see me ever being able to return to that role and if I did I am sure that the feelings would build up again and I would end up in the same position. 
My first experience of home boarding was awful, within an hour of receiving the dog I felt pressured, stressed and anxious so much so that I ended up in tears and back on my medication, I was constantly berating myself. The owner stated the dog was house trained and friendly to other dogs (I have two dogs myself) but this was not true, and I was having to juggle a very energetic animal with my own pets. My husband kept offering to help but as he had been working all week, I kept telling him no, that this was my responsibility as he had already done his working week. But I couldn’t cope. The dog managed to run upstairs and peed on the spare bed which again caused me to get upset. The dog was uncontrollable, unresponsive to commands and not house trained; the idea to be a home boarder now felt horrible and I recalled handing in my notice and asking myself “what have I done?” The dog also had separation anxiety and I did not want this to affect both me and my husband so I slept in a separate bed with the dog in the room, shushing it every 30 minutes and hoping it did not rip up the carpet, skirting, door or anything else. Needless to say, I did not sleep well that night. 
The next day I asked my employer if it would be possible to rescind my  resignation and assign me to a part time position, on a lower grade with lesser responsibilities but as I have offered my resignation it is up to them if they accept this. I know my husband will support me to find a new job, so this is not an issue for me, but I still feel reckless for just leaving to try something new without having tried it first. I guess it is a lesson learnt.
In all this time I have been on group therapy sessions, received counselling and have used the support service ‘shout!’ and have been more open about my feelings with my husband when I am having a particularly bad day. I realised how much I love to write, and I am now considering looking at this as a possible career in the future. I am going to take one day at a time and explore the opportunities I have available to me and I will go back to work even if it is part time whilst I decide what I really want to do.
I can’t say that I am cured but I do feel that I have made some progress. Without talking to my husband as scary as it was or going to my GP to seek support, I don’t think I would be here today. I urge anyone who has felt like I have, to seek help. It is scary, but it is worth it; you are not alone in this and there is always someone to talk to.",moderate
dev_pid_1981,"I always get the be more physically active advice... : All the advice i get to help with my depression seems to be about physical activity and that is fine, but it's not exactly helpful all the time. I am reasonably active most of the time, in an effort to help, my recurring depressive state, but i also find that being hardline with myself also ratchets up the feelings of suicidality and self-loathing. Like i'm trying to punish myself for being depressed, as if punishment would make the dark feelings go away. Anyone else get this?
BTW i got a bit of a boost by being social and playing D&D last night with my friends. It felt safe and engaging even if also felt a bit superficial. I just wanted to share that... i found some light, for a time, before feeling low(er) again today.",moderate
dev_pid_1982,"My dad died last Sunday. : They actually think it was around Thursday but didn't find him til Sunday. He died of congested heart failure which my uncle died of almost 3 years ago to the month. He was having a lot of health issues and was going to see a doctor last Thursday but died before that ever happened. I hadn't talked to him in almost 10 years. I'm 33 now and haven't seen him since I was 16. We were best friends when I was a kid but kinda grew apart as I got older as I live in Arizona and he lived in Washington State. I guess the longer it got the harder it got to pick up the phone. I now hate myself for not reaching out. He was only 55. I just wanna hug him and tell him sorry but that will never happen. 
It's weird after not talking to him for so long. Never thought I would miss him this much. I feel so lost and alone. Not even sure if anyone is gonna read this but just had to tell someone. I haven't been able to sleep. I have work in a few hours and I'm just lying in my bed bawling my eyes out. I just want it to end so I can see him again.",moderate
dev_pid_1983,"A technique that will change your life. : The greatest thing you can do for yourself is to start loving yourself because you are the greatest thing  to exist. This is your reality. You are living person with thoughts and personalities of your own. Its the only thing you truly have if everything was gone so why would you hate yourself. Why would add negativity and hurt the one thing that you will always have. Its you. 
Now this technique is based off the law of attraction. Positive thoughts attract positive. Negative thoughts attracts negativity. If you want to change your life, you gotta start thinking positive no matter how hard it is for you it has to be at your core. Even if you don't believe in the law of attraction what sounds better being negative, thinking about horrible things or thinking positive feeling good no matter what situation you are in. 
The technique: Play your favorite music or pick a song that makes you happy, uplifting, calm doesn't matter pick music that makes you feel happy, tranquil, etc. Me personally, I play traditional Chinese music, Japanese piano music, heck sometime I even type happy music on youtube. What matters the most is it makes you feel good.
Play your music and just let go. Start imagining and believing everything that you want in life you have it already. The feeling of being complete and loving yourself. Some things I think about: Im sexiest mothefucker out there, I have a perfect life, im in perfect health, im the greatest of all time. Im blessed. You should be feeling this loving energy near your heart. It feels good kinda blissful. Just let go and feel that you have everything. You are not thinking about anything negative. Its basically metta meditation. The longer your session the better it is for you. Soon you will start seeing changes with your life. Everything starts with you.
This technique will make you a more positive person and you will start feeling happy for no reason. You will start spreading love instead of taking it because once you truly love yourself. You become a beacon. A beacon of love and people will be attracted to it. Good things will start happening.
Even if this sounds crazy, would you rather do nothing and willow in despair or give this weird thing a shot.",moderate
dev_pid_1984,"Am I just sad? : So my initial post was to tell my story, how I recently lost my faith, unemployed, single (let down every time) and whatever else I could drag in to paint the picture.
I never understood depression growing up but didn't hear much about it also. I even had a friend at 8 tell me she was depressed, I still think she was just sad but how would I know, I didn't live in her brain. 
It makes me so sad to know there are people out there who feel like this because I know how consuming a feeling can be. I feel sadness often and I tried to always chalk it up to something else because how could I be depressed? I was always trying my hardest to laugh and have a good time.
So whilst I know sadness and depression are not the same, I have tried to sit on the fence of sadness so as not to crawl into a whole new scary world (depression.) I feel really empty and have for a while, not being around often skims my mind because the pain isn't worth feeling again. I don't know how I've even made it this far.  I don't want to return calls at the moment and may lose people in the process but hey, it's a risk my brain is willing to take.
I smoke weed and have a drink when I can. My mum kind of notices the drinking but I don't think she realises that I have purchased alcohol before, consumed it in my room and waited to throw it out so there was no evidence. That's not normal right. The weed and alcohol doesn't even numb the pain. I wouldn't move onto anything stronger but it's interesting to see what others have said about these things no longer working after a certain time. It's like the pain is determined to win.
I know I'm venting and waffling. I don't really know if I'm depressed, probably need to be diagnosed, I don't know the rules. All I do know is I fear that the strength I once had is dwindling and I'm scared of life because my ability to cope is no longer there. Wouldn't even know where to start right now so here I am...",moderate
dev_pid_1985,help. please. : i grew up in a very alcoholic and abusive family because my mum has a bad past and takes it out on me and i can’t blame her for that but my dad used to help but now he’s gone and i do everything for the family and idk what to do anymore i’m so empty i can’t cry anymore. i have a mental disability where i can’t feel immense emotions like love or hate anymore. so i’m not truly depressed as i can’t be. but no matter where i am or who i’m with i just am always sad and it’s never gone. i really wanna kill my self but ik that there are a few people who would be sad and would care and i don’t wanna do that to them they’re amazing people. my girlfriend cheated on me a few months ago and it hurt but what can i do except have these shit ass suicidal thoughts. idk what to do. please don’t say it’ll get better because i genuinely can’t feel love anymore so it fucking won’t. thanks bye.,moderate
dev_pid_1986,"Lack of understanding : I recently had to move back home after an on goingg depressive episode, one that I'm still struggling with every day, and I feel like my two younger brothers just dont care or understand that I'm in a very fragile state right now. To preface, I'm 23 and they're 18 (twins) and we've all always been very close. 
I had a moment where I tried to explain to them both, and warn them, that I'm very emotionally unstable and that little things can set me off right now. I'm trying to push through this and wait for my appointments with a psychiatrist and therapist I have soon, but it's so hard just to act normal and smile and I feel like they dont really care about my feelings. Even today, I was driving them to the movies to meet the rest of our family and they kept giving me shit over little things like my parking job or waiting to long on a yield turn, to the point I feel like shit and want to cry, but they just keep laughing and screwing around.
I just wish that they would he more kind about everything, it's hard enough just trying to act human and get better without having their attitude and stubbornness on top of it. I just feel like no one understands how I feel and it's almost suffocating how much I want just one person to get it.",moderate
dev_pid_1987,"Had a shitty, anxiety filled day and boyfriend ended it even worse : All day, I had an overwhelming feeling like I was about to die. Not from illness or pain, I just have really bad irrational fears from time to time, and this time I thought I would just stop breathing at some point. It gets especially bad if I forget to take my antidepressants regularly (I hate the pills so much), which of course I didn't this past week. That one's on me.
But a few hours ago, my boyfriend tried to call me and talk me down from freaking out. We talked about nothing in particular for a bit til it came to a conversation about what he did yesterday night.
He's been hanging out with two female coworkers a lot recently. They go out to eat and shop (which he usually hates), which is a little weird to me, but I was fine. But a few hours ago, he was telling me some things that didn't add up. He said he found out he was allergic to alcohol, but he's underage. I asked him about it and he said he tried a couple shots.
Where did you get alcohol from?
He said he stopped by to say hi to his manager on his way home and she offered him alcohol. 
Wait, but weren't you driving your two female coworkers home that night too?
Yes, they were there and they drank and got wasted haha.
But you drank, and you were the driver. And you told me you got home at 1. Did you drive drunk?
A pause.
I may have lied.
He told me that he actually went to his manager's house party. With his co-workers that he spends a lot of time with. He drank and hung out there until 3 in the morning. He says he drove the two girls home, went to his own house, and drove back to take one of them to work in the morning.
I might be too sensitive, but I had a horrible day overall and this stressed me out more. Why are you taking out two girls to do the things you do with me and more? If that was really all that happened, why lie about it to begin with? You're so eager to tell me about all the other dumb shit you do. It's 4:30am and I can't sleep. Because I still don't think I'll wake up if I do.",moderate
dev_pid_1988,"I don’t know if I’m depressed or what : I don’t want to call myself depressed because there’s people out there who have depression and I don’t want to be someone who says they have depression even if they don’t.
I’ve done research online and shit and I can’t find anything with a solid answer. Some places say I am depressed and some places say that I’m not depressed. 
3 months ago, my girlfriend broke up with me and is currently getting back with her ex, and every day I think of her. I’m jealous and upset all the time and would do anything to get her back. Whilst we were dating, she used to occasionally speak to her ex online, I didn’t mind because I trusted her, I had no problem with her casually speaking to other men.
But the problem was that the day she broke up with me, she was speaking to him online. So whilst I’m there crying my eyes out, she’s speaking to him and I don’t know how I feel. It’s like she never wanted to be with me in the first place. Things were going so well between us, we hardly argued and we didn’t have an argument 6 or so months prior to us breaking up.
I don’t feel happy anymore, like it used to be the case where I was always happy and I would have the occasional bad day but it’s the opposite now, like I’m always having a bad day and there’s only a few moments when I’m happy - it fucking sucks. 
I’ve never been depressed before. I used to self harm a bit maybe like 5-6 years ago but I stopped for a while, but I never felt depressed and I had no reason to self harm, but I’m just getting all these feelings all at once, and I’m not sure if I can say for sure if I’m depressed or not, but I haven’t been happy for a whole day in 3 months, and I feel like my girlfriend never loved me because of the situation with her ex. I feel betrayed and alone and the only thing that makes me happy is hanging out with my friends which I can’t do because they don’t want to hang out half the time. I’m failing one of my courses in college because of my social anxiety and I won’t be able to pass so I have to speak to someone about that. 
Someone help me please. I don’t know if I’m depressed or if it’s too early to come to a conclusion, I just want to understand myself and I want to know why I’m feeling all these things.",moderate
dev_pid_1989,"just found out it gets better. : life fucking sucks and it's really hard to keep a positive mental attitude all the way through it. after wanting to kill myself in february and going through other events such as the death of my dog, I can comfortably say that it gets better. you'll never get rid of the bad thoughts, they just get less and less prominent until they're basically unnoticeable on good days. if you have a bad day it's ok. if you don't reach that goal you had and fall down, it's ok. as long as you get back up when you can, there's no shame in falling. hang in there guys.",moderate
dev_pid_1990,"I wish other's could understand what It's like to be us : I wish they could understand how hard it is to get up and do things. I wish they could understand that ""I can't get up"" really means that we physically cannot get up, if only I could make them feel what I feel, that feeling, the feeling of being pulled down to the ground, like being submerged in thick mud, the feeling of emptiness in our chests that never subsides, like a void that is slowly consuming our soul from deep inside our chest.
I wish I didn't have to suffer for every minute of the day.",moderate
dev_pid_1991,"why am i like this : i’m laying in bed next to my partner that loves me so damn much, and all i want to do is die. she makes feel so safe, i’m crying all the time because i’m scared one of these days i’m going to hurt myself but sometimes i see no choice. people would be better off if i was gone. i know they’d be sad, but people move on. my mom moved 9 months ago right after i graduated college and i miss her everyday, but can’t even pick up the phone to call her because there’s a constant stream of trauma playing in my head 24/7. i used to love life, sometimes i do for a day or a week or a month, but then the same sinking feeling hits me. i don’t know how much more pain i can take. my insides hurt everyday, i just want to feel good again. suicide causes so much trauma, my cousin killed himself 3 years ago and it was devastating, but i understand why. when the pain inside you won’t disappear, it’s debilitating. idk if i could ever go through with it, but i’m 23 and i’ve felt this way for 10 yrs",moderate
dev_pid_1992,"Just another night : Another night goes by as I’m laying in bed at 1 am in the morning, thinking about pointless everything is going to be no matter how hard I try. Everything leads to death anyway, all we go through is pain, yeah there are some good things in life, but then your always going to get slapped in the face by more pain. I’m already trying to fight this immense pain that’s eating its way inside my chest, im trying my best to keep the loud voice in my head away, but he keeps telling me to just die, telling me how worthless I am, telling me how everything will be better off if I’m dead, and I can’t fight it because I know it’s true, because I am the voice in my head. Just why? What’s the point in trying? What’s the point in living? I’m tired of living and I just want to go and drift away into a big empty of nothingness (yeah this doesn’t make sense, I just don’t care). I want it all to stop, please just stop.",moderate
dev_pid_1993,"a speeding bullet to heaven would be nice : i can’t live in a world where you exist, i want the pain to go away so maybe i should just slit my wrists ... watch the tub fill with my dna, realest thing you’ve ever seen. now i’ve created a chaos scene. i departed, so no blame on me. this is what it’s like when the good guy dies in the movies. bunch of confusing mixed feelings. tears may shed, but it’s not because you miss me. it’s because you feel sorry for me, i wish i could feel worthy. but maybe i’m unholy, makes sense that christians look down upon me. they don’t like a dark minded writer, y’all can sue me. i’m a broken spirit, so don’t expect anything uplifting. i’m just like the holocaust, filled with endless tragedy. it’s so unnerving. even my loved ones are turning against me. so what’s the point of living? i rather take this glock and blow my brains to smithereens. have my conscience looking like uncooked meat, hence i’m raw as can be. unfiltered, so i see no hearts on my screen. makes sense why my vision is blurry, because my future is forever distorted. never will it be in hd.",moderate
dev_pid_1994,"Do you ever just feel good feeling sad? : What the title suggest, I have these moments usually late at night when I watch streams or replays of video games half asleep while listening to these deep/sad edm/trap songs. And it just feels good feeling sad. 
I couple of months ago I tried to avoid doing this because it just brought up thoughts that I wasn't ready to face. But ever since I made peace with myself. Every time I do this it just feels good to feel, like the music drains all my built up sadness that I'm nit capable to share with the world for one reason or another.
Would recommend trying if you already faced your demons but still having troubles.",moderate
dev_pid_1995,"To make you more happy : A lot of people these days do not feel happy. So I decided to help the people that are not feeling happy. (Not being happy can have many causes therefore I can not guarantee that the method that I am going to explain will help for everyone.)
First of all I want to say that I do not recommend you to suppress your emotions. Feeling emotions can be helpful in many ways. It can for example tell you that you do not like certain things or that certain things need to be changed. But as a child probably almost everyone told you ¨I want you to be happy¨. Therefore you started to feel bad if you did not feel happy. So you feel even more bad than you did before. But like I just said, your emotions can be helpful in many ways. So you do not have to feel bad about it if you are not happy.
In today's society most people are raised in a way that they start thinking constantly. And if you observe these thinking patterns you start to see that most people are just repeating their thoughts over and over again. And at a point they even start thinking about their own created thoughts that they are repeating over and over again. Therefore they have nothing to think about except thoughts. And then there comes a point that they are just living in their head. And because of that they are not seeing the beauty of life anymore. People can go to work everyday and if you ask them for example ¨Did you see the appletree at the side of the road when you was on your way to work?¨ They will probably say ´´No I didn't see it´´. So they are just caught up in their thoughts not experiencing life anymore. So try to still your mind, by for example meditation (If you want mediation techniques, feel free to ask, you can even send me a dm @quintenvanommen.) Once your are not caught up in your thoughts anymore you can start experiencing life again. On your way to work you can see the appletree, you can see the apples, you can see the apples falling. And if you eat you are just eating. Your are experiencing the apple or whatever you are eating. And than if you drink afterwards a cup of tea for example. Just drink the cup of tea and taste the tea. Once you are doing this you will experience life again, and you will probably become more happy.
Have a nice day
Yours sincerely, Quinten van Ommen",moderate
dev_pid_1996,"I've started realising that the more you're depressed, the less you care about stuff around you : I've been skipping days at work, arriving late, doing things i usually wouldn't and basically avoiding to do work because I'm just so done with everything, same with university, i skip class all the time and i haven't done a single homework, heck i haven't even studied for exams. I don't hang out with people and I'm basically alone all the time, it's this vicious cycle that honestly feels like it's going to be the end of me soon. I'll get fired and kicked out of uni, i won't have any friends, i barely care to even try and I'm just hoping my life is taken away somehow.
really dumb rant and i apologise for it, but this has been my situation lately and i had to let it out",moderate
dev_pid_1997,"I got shamed by a psychiatrist for getting depression after being bullied for almost 5 years : He was like “people don’t usually get depression from that” and “you’re not like your peers, you need to chill” , “most of your peers do weed”. He then proceeded to call my parents and tell me everything because he said it looked suspicious. On top of that he charged so much money that I could spend in shopping 😂",moderate
dev_pid_1998,"i don't know what to do with myself or my feelings at this point : i feel so fucking alone and helpless to do anything about it. i broke up with my girlfriend a year ago. we were together for about a year. prior to her, I never had any kind of relationship or romantic experience with anyone. And, in the year since we split up, I feel like I've gone in the opposite direction. I'm almost 25. I finished college and grad school. I work full time and study for actuarial exams and go to the gym. besides that I do nothing. i have no active social circle where I'll ever meet anyone. my co-workers are pleasant but I do not talk to them about anything besides work - and I don't want to. there's just nothing. I live in a big city, in a high-rise apartment building downtown. i'm surrounded by people and I feel so fucking isolated and atomized.
when i tell my therapist stuff like this, she says ""it sounds like you want conection"". and I haven't had the guts to say that's not it. bc the truth is I don't really like having or spending time with platonic friends. even my friends who I liked most, who I respect and admire the fuck out of as people - I don't miss spending time with them. I'm just not someone who needs that.
the only thing I want - in the world - is a girlfriend I like. yesterday I met some girl just in passing. she initiated conversation - I would never just bother a stranger in public because they're hot. it was in the elevator of my apartment. I made up an excuse to ask to talk with her more at a later time, gave her my phone number, and we parted ways. She could have easily not texted me. but she did. I gave a basic, innocuous reply, and she's said nothing since.
and I want to be clear - she doesn't matter. not her, specifically, anyway. she's just some pretty girl I don't know. but the \~1 hour I had yesterday where I felt some kind of hope that I might actually get the thing I want was insane. I forgot what it was like to feel like a human being who didn't actively want to die. now the sense of hopelessness is so much stronger. in the space of a year, that was the \*one\* time I met someone who I was interested in and felt I could possibly end up dating. And it was either doomed from the start, or I fucked it up somewhere along the way. either possibility is equally devastating.
and i don't know what to do with these feelings right now. i couldn't fall asleep for hours last night, thinking about this. then I woke up after \~4 hours and couldn't go back to sleep. all i can do now is stare at my computer, do nothing, and be on the verge of crying. i have shit i need to do. I need to study. I promised my family I'd come see them for my birthday today. i can't do it.",moderate
dev_pid_1999,"I missed out on prom : A few weeks before everyone was excited to go and I was excited too
I forgot that I have no friends, I am the quite and depressed kid and if I went I would probably be standing in the corner. I fucking wish I was normal everyone had fun I am a loser because of my depression and anxiety. I sometimes imagine I have friends while I am actually a lonely loser.",moderate
dev_pid_2000,"I feel like suicide is the only way to right my wrongs : First of all, hello to anyone willing to read this. Low key expect this to get buried, and I'm also running on terrible sleep so bear with me
I'm 19m and have been feeling this way for a long time. The immense guilt that I feel has been ripping and tearing at me. It's been this constant voice in my head that is a painful reminder of who I am, and the suicidal thoughts just feel like a premonition into what's to come. All of my failures seem to pile on to each other, mesh together, and the stick to my heart, draining me of any will to live I have left. 
My failure to date my crush without being an anxious moron, my failure to keep my cool sometimes, my faliure to live the childhood I was told was good to have. All of these and more get to me. I just feel like ending it all is the way to tell the world ""I am going to pay for my sins with my blood"". 
I feel like if I DONT kill myself, then I'll just be lying when I say I'm sorry. I'll say I'll never do it again, but if I'm not here, I wont have the ABILITY to do it again, or do anything else to anyone ever again. 
Not only all of this, but recently that old crush of mine just got a boyfriend, so I've been taking that extremely hard. I just feel like I'll never be able to love anyone else. I just feel like that relationship will be eternal, and I'll be left here to rot. Its what she deserves, and this is what I deserve. She's a major cause of my pain, but its all self induced. I caused the reason we're not together, I'm her first experience with any guy (even if that experience was 1 date long). Everyone who I have told my story to, including her, from my friends to my therapist have told me that she doesn't want me dead, and I'm blowing this out of proportion in my head. Its something that I have an extremely hard time internalizing and accepting, because I feel that its just a front to cover up how they truly feel.
I noticed that hurting myself alleviates some of the pain. Its like as the sharp edges of whatever I'm holding take the hurting feeling from the mark into this vault, that will build up over time until I have enough pain credits to finally be able to be forgiven. 
Suicide, in this case, would be the capstone. The trump card. The bailout of all bailouts. Finally, I would be free. Finally, my debt would be paid. I feel it coming. When? I'm not sure.
I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't think. I can't socialize. I can't love. I can't laugh. I can't cry. 
All I can do is wait for me to muster up the courage to slide the knife into my throat.",moderate
dev_pid_2001,"Nothing can help me fill the void anymore. : Do you guys know what being so damn hopeless feels like?
I'm 20. I am still a student and live in my parents' house. Where I'm from it's quite normal to live with your parents until married though. It doesn't change the fact that it makes me feel like a failure and a burden.
 I can't talk to people, no matter how fucking hard I try to act like I'm normal and okay. I stutter, can't spit out a single sentence that makes sense and just overall make myself look like an absolute moron. 
I'm not the worst student but I'm far from being good. Lately, I've been skipping a lot of classes because I feel like I'm just embarrassing myself by coming to the university. I can't stop thinking about the fact that everyone might laugh at me and think that I'm dumb. When I actually show up, I either barely talk or when someone actually wants to talk to me I overshare like a dumb bitch and make a fool outta myself. 
I just want to stay in bed all day. Nothing makes me feel okay anymore. I used to love books, now I can't focus enough to read. I used to love music but now playing guitar just makes me tired.  I self-harm on a regular basis now. Cutting is not enough anymore though. I pull my hair out, scratch my hands until they bleed without even noticing. I feel disgusting. I could stare at my damn ceiling for hours and just think about all the ways that I could harm myself. I'm a waste of space. A burden to my parents, my friends, probably just a laughing matter for other students at my uni.
Nothing can help me fill the void anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_2002,"I think today is the day.... :) : I am going to visit my ex and I’s love lock that didn’t mean jack fucking shit in the end and then jump in front of a train because the tracks are near the location of the lock. 
Today is an anniversary for us getting together but he fucking ended up cheating on me while I am pregnant in an unplanned pregnancy. 
I don’t see a way out of this. Thanks for those on Reddit who tried to help me. :)",moderate
dev_pid_2003,"I have literally never put in effort and gotten anything meaningful out of it : People want me to get things done, and to strive for better, but why should I? I have no reason to believe anything will work out well. I got kicked out of my last high school for bad grades, and almost got kicked out of this one (which is much easier) for basically the same reason.
Every time I try to make friends or talk about my feelings I get shot down or dismissed. Nobody truly cares about me for who I am. The only people who care about me do it because they are ""supposed to"". Like my friends from when I was a little kid, or my family. 
Well the truth is I'm a leech. I don't deserve the respect I get and I contribute nothing.
I used to have ambition to be a father when I get older, And to have a family. But why should I have that dream? Why do I have any reason to believe I will be successful? I can't support myself, let alone anyone else. Even the little things my mom makes me do around the house drain me of everything I have.
How am I supposed to try with anything, when I know I'm only being set up for failure? Why should I accept help from the people around me when I will only disappoint.
Why do I care about anything?
Why am I posting on here? I have no idea. Maybe I can find some people who have common feelings. I'm desperate for anything. Hope.",moderate
dev_pid_2004,"Going to break : So I have no idea where to go on this app for this, figured this would be a good spot. Maybe some of you can relate. 
I’m a father of 2, I’m struggling to keep my sanity. My youngest cries so much, he’s been doing this for over a year now, if my wife take a step out of the room he’s freaking the fuck out.... drives me insane. I can’t pick him up due to a surgery. Not that picking him up does anything anyways. My oldest won’t let him play in the same room which makes him cry even more so. 
Anytime my wife and I try to have “alone” time they always seem to ruin it. We literally don’t get a minute away from them. (I know it’s not their fault) our oldest won’t sleep in his own bed, he’s been in ours ever since we had our second. So basically everything keeps compounding and I am just getting more and more depressed, things that wouldn’t normally bother are bothering me.",moderate
dev_pid_2005,"False sense of happiness : Hi guys, I don’t really know where to start. I used to go to free therapy at campus last year, but as I am graduating I’m no longer able to continue my sessions. I’m 22F, graduating in April and currently looking for a job. I’ve been dealing with depression since highschool and recently it’s become all consuming. I have a narcissistic father, and a mother who is both enabler/victim- everytime I try to show her my dads shitty ways she turns around and tells me that emotional and verbal abuse is normal in a relationship and that I’m idealistic for thinking that a relationship won’t have abuse in it. I thought that after highschool I would go to a university where I would live on res etc but ended up going to university that was 5 mins from home so I ended up living with my parents still. 
I’ve always Known exactly what I wanted in my life, how I want to live it etc but recently it seems nothing is going the way I thought it would and every attempt to making my dreams seems to face some obstacle and yet everyone else’s lives are moving forward without any hindrance. It almost feels like I’m being singled out in life and I’m being specifically held back I mean I haven’t even had my first kiss or any romantic experience. 
I’m generally an optimistic person and usually look at the bright side of things hoping it would get better but  I always end up being let down or disappointed, happiness is so fleeting for me that whenever something good happens, something twice as bad happens almost like I can’t be happy without suffering or paying a price for it. Idk what to do. I’m job hunting and that probably means a couple of months I’ll be unemployed but I hate just being at home. I feel dead inside like I can write off my life before it even starts. 
Thanks for listening",moderate
dev_pid_2006,"I wake up on the verge of tears and go to sleep on the verge of tears : I have 2 older parents (69) and the news with coronavirus has been scaring me so much. I don't fear for my health at all, just theirs. we live an hour north of Chicago where there are a handful of confirmed cases and I am so so scared that my parents will get it. I have been on the verge of tears every night before bed and every morning after waking up, I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety and i can't take it anymore. My parents are my whole world I just want to keep them safe. I feel so helpless and useless i wish i could just teleport them to somewhere where they wouldn't have to worry",moderate
dev_pid_2007,"Im getting better about eating : I havent purged in almost a month and ive been making healthier foods for myself instead of microwave meals again. I still need to eat and drink more, im still usually skipping two meals, but i think im at least getting better about purging. I dont think about needing to get anything i ate out of me as much. Last time i ended up purging after about a month, but im trying to beat that. Cooking is fun, so thats a little bonus",moderate
dev_pid_2008,i'm broken : hello. my name is kira and im in my early 20s. my life is falling apart. my 5 year relationship is falling apart. i cant do anything for myself because i depend on my bf so much. i gained weight so much to the point where i cant even look at myself anymore. im not myself anymore and its scary. i try to cope by drinking and smoking and it just seems to hurt me more. i cry myself to sleep because i hate myself. im broke. i cant even get a job and i cant do anything for me. im upset because i let myself get into this dark place and i cant talk to anyone about it. my father abandoned me and my mom has a drinking problem. people i went to school with stare at me because of my appearance and how far ive fallin off. i ask myself... why me? why is this happening to me. idk what to do.,moderate
dev_pid_2009,"Today is one of those days : where I cant remain afloat. It's been 4 months since I broke up with my SO whom I have known for over 11 years and dated for about 8 months last year. My anxiety got the better of me and everything crumbled eventually leading to several complications in our relationship.
I am fine with the breakup; I knew it wasn't heading anywhere and secretly wished it ended because we wouldn't have sustained it in the long run. What hurts is losing a friend, somebody who was always there for you, knew you onside and out, loved and cared for you and I always reciprocated that love and affection two fold. She was someone who knew what was on my mind before I even said anything, the kind who understood your silence, you can say she was THE ONE. The girl every guy dreams of having as a partner. But I blew it and I am okay with it but I am NOT okay with not having her in my life at all. I am cut off—no contact for life! *If we cant be in a relationship atleast we could still remain friends?* God knows how many times I must repeated this line begging and pleading her to stay.
I am left with a void that I'm trying to fill by giving my best at work, trying to help out friends and colleagues, organising trips for office, listening to music/podcasts, watching tv shows/documentaries, flirting with women on the internet, making memes, trying to make each day count; but it's just not enough...
Sooner or later the guilt returns, the regret returns, and it dampens your spirits. During this moment all you can do is stay still and let it suck you in and spit you out after a couple of days when its done with you.",moderate
dev_pid_2010,"Fed up of being patronized by parents and teachers : It really frustrates me when my parents lecture me about organization, my dad earlier literally told me the definition of the word whilst I'm sitting in a room full of mess. I know he means well but its really embarrassing when he treats me like a little kid who doesnt know anything, or like a lazy person that doesnt care. Because I do!! I want to tidy my room, but I'm depressed and I'm trying hard in other areas to improve. 
And when my Spanish teacher yelled at me for not being good enough and told me how ""surprised"" she was at my lack of efforts and tried to mock me and make me feel bad, I know they're just doing their job but it makes me want to punch the wall. Because Spanish is actually my favourite subject and I'm really interested in it, and I want to do well so bad but getting a 7 piece homework done in a week was too much for me. But these people make me feel bad for something I literally CANNOT control, because they have power. And I cant even tell them I'm depressed. Because that's just not what you do. So I have to keep struggling on my own and being yelled at unfairly and keep it a secret.",moderate
dev_pid_2011,"I'm afraid I indirectly murdered my girlfriend (Very long post/ Trigger warning) :  This is the fourth time I've tried to write a post about my situation but each time it came out extremely messy and hard to read. That's why I'm going to try to divide my post into different sections this time in an attempt to make grasping everything easier for you (the reader) and myself to be completely honest.
**the sections:**
* The relationship
* Her situation/depression
* My final decision
# the relationship
My girlfriend (18) and I (18) started dating 2 years ago at 16 back in high school. We've had a very turbulent relationship with a lot of breaking and making up, intense love and our fair share of troubles. Maybe I'm just romanticizing the word toxicity but to be completely honest I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
We used to be extremely jealous of each other and sort of isolated our self from the world together. Thinking back I do regret this a lot. Due to our mix of toxicity and her depression we both suffered abuse from each other. It's crazy how an extreme love for a certain person can drive you insane and even make you do unloveable things to them.
In high school we used to spend almost everyday together and I loved it this changed after we went to college. When we graduated high school she went to Sweden for 7 weeks and we really started having a lot of relationship difficulties from there. I sort of started disconnecting and getting used to having more space. After she returned we noticed that we had both changed a lot and this led to a lot of fights but slowly but surely we kind of started having a healthy relationship. This took a lot of hard work, sacrifice and communication.
Everything changed when this happened however. Around the first year of the relationship we both promised each other to stop watching porn because it made us insecure. I did this for a long time but eventually relapsed around 8 times in the span of a year and never told her. She eventually had a suspicion and confronted me, I confessed and everything just went extremely downhill from there. She was really hurt and even more so about the fact that I hid it from her and was never planning on telling. We broke up after this but got back together after a couple weeks had gone by. Her trust however was never the same (and rightfully so).
# Her situation/depression
My girlfriend originally started suffering from depression at 16 due to her birth control pills. I've been supporting her ever since. The first months it was really bad and she even tried taking her own life with sleeping pills she saved up. I called emergency services when this happened and she was taken to the hospital and given mental treatment after this all happened. There was a big problem however when she came home.
After hating me for a couple of days and wishing that I didn't call emergency services she finally told me the real reason why she wanted to die. It turns out that she was a gypsy, a Romani. And in their culture children have to be in arranged marriages at extremely young ages. Now its 16/18 but it used to be a lot younger. And it has to be with another gypsy otherwise the female is considered a whore and an outsider and is shunned by the entire family. I always thought that my girlfriend had strict parents but never to this extent I never asked any questions about why they couldn't know about us but now I knew.
She always had a really good relationship with her mom but after the day she tried to commit suicide their relationship was strained for a very long time. Her mother (father is out of the picture) didn't believe in mental health and thought she was doing this to get attention which of course triggered my girlfriend even more. She also could never tell the full story to her mental health counselors because they would have to enable child protective services.
She eventually made the choice to run away with me. But she seemed very conflicted about this and kind of flip flopped between staying with her mom and living for her and being with me. A lot of the times she did not want to make a choice because she felt she would be unhappy in both situations. A loveless (probably abusive) arranged marriage or an unstable relationship with me. She convinced herself dying was the best option eventually. I talked her out of it so many times and truly tried supporting her through everything. This took a large toll on me as she would often be really abusive.
Everything changed when I cheated however. She told me in the weeks that we broke up that I was the reason she was going to die and I was her only chance at a normal life. I tried to convince her otherwise but she just won't listen. After we got back together she told me she was going to die regardless of her relationship and she's just waiting for the right time. When I begged her not to she refused to change her choice and told me it was going to happen this year and I get to choose to be with her till the end or leave. When I asked why she said because I cheated and we would never be the same after this anyway.
I thought I could change her mind at first but I can't. I honestly don't know what to do anymore I see a future with this girl but she doesn't with me. I told her I'm going to think about my choice and she called me selfish. Supporting her through all of those years of this took a toll on my sanity,sleep and social life. I can't sit there and be with her until she dies. I don't understand how she wants to take me back after everything but doesn't want to run away with me anymore. I'm confused tired and stressed out. I've never talked about this with anyone and I just need to hear someone else's opinion on this.
# My final decision
I still havent decided what to do and told her I want to think about this long and hard. She told me I was selfish and compared me to the devil for leaving her with the depression and letting her die alone. I really need some advice.
I really don't want to be a temporary comfort for her I just can't. I love her to death and want to grow old with her and have a good relationship. I would permanently lose my sanity if I stayed I'm afraid but I also don't want to leave her like this.
I know a large part of our relationship troubles seem really immature and they are. But we were both really young and we still are and these are all just extremely hard choices to make at this age.
TL;DR: My girlfriend is going to kill herself and wants me to be with her till the end. I'm conflicted on what to do.",moderate
dev_pid_2012,"I need to take this off my chest or I fear the guilt is going to eat me alive : This is a long story but I will summarize it at my best.
I grew up with my mother. I stopped seeing my father reguarly at 5. He was not a good parent either way, it's like he missed emotions or couldn't show them, and in the last year I went from seeing him as a stranger to someone I actually hate because of the way he reacted after I came out. I can still recall him implying there's something perverted in me.
My mother is not that good either, despire being supportive of this, she was never uplifting in my childhood, rarely I was given support when I made errors, rather she would get mad and tell me often things were my fault. I was legit scared of her and felt like I had to walk on eggshells, because I knew she could snap for things as little as ""what hour is it?"". I don't have many memories of my childhood, I forgot most of what happened and therefore it's hard to tell how my parents were when I was a child, however I can still feel the effects on my mind. To this day, everytime someone is mad, even if not at me, in the same room as me, and the slightly raise their voice or become irritated, I can't help but start panicking and shake.
But in the end, except for my difficulty relationing to people and my fear of imminent abandonment and speaking up for myself, I never had severe problems.
I saw the first sign of something getting worst after I got dumped by my ex in november 2019. It was quick and unexpected, but I foresaw it, panicking the day before, fearing he would leave despite having no proof. It turned out my paranoia was right.
I quickly forgot about him (our relationship was long-distance and lasted only 1 month and a half) and started dating a friend's friend, and he's really someone I want in my life: he's kind-hearted, creative, outgoing, funny, protective and ready to help with my mental illnesses. A human dog basically, and when I lay next to him or on his chest I feel a feeling of peace and happiness I hardly ever felt, but there's flaws too, and that is he's interested in open-relationships where I'm extremely monogamous. He made it clear that he thinks that consent is the most important thing and he wouldn't force anyone in an open relationship, however, because of the fact that we are still dating he still talks to people online to roleplay sexual scenarios. This worries me more than it hurts, as I fear of losing him to someone else who might be better.
My friends (who have knew him for years) reassure me he's really into me and he himself told me he's not romantically interested in anyone else, and that sex and love are separated to him, but I can't stop feeling like I'm not good enough and I can be replaced any time. I know I have an obsessive and co-dependant type of love and once I find someone I really like I don't want to let go and I feel like I'm dying without that person.
This is just the tip of the iceberg however.
Both me and him are very sexual people, but I have a very unhealthy view of sex: I have a very typical high male libido and I masturbate daily only to keep it down, but to do it I have to distract myself. If being scared of being touched because I'm extremely disgusted by my body wasn't enough, I have to redirect my sexual fantasies to pleasing others, because, if I think about pleasing myself too, I will feel a terrible sense of guilt and shame from it that will break me in tears. I can't help but feel like I'm not supposed to have sexual feelings, and that they make me dirty and perverted, that it's wrong and I must feel ashamed of it and hide them.
I also have constant fanstasies about being in a relationship where I get beaten, pushed and yelled at to the point my mind breaks and I kill myself, or I straight up get beaten to death. When I talk about it people assume it's some masochistic fantasy, however I derive zero pleasure from it, only pain. I can't imagine myself being happy and loved because I feel like I don't deserve it and that there's something wrong with me that makes me unlovable.
I also fantasize about being violently raped, or to have sex when I don't want to just to please my partner without him knowing. Another one is being mistreated during sex, not to feel pleasure, but as punishment for being dirty and disgusting by having sex.
I also started feeling suspicious of everyone after my breakup. I feel like I can't trust anyone (friends included, not only romantic partners) and that they are all after me, wanting to hurt me, use me, and that I somehow deserve it because I'm ""bad and unpure"".
This is killing me, and I can't tell all of this to the guy I'm dating because I feel like a burden, but it still makes me feel like I don't deserve him, or his affection. When I'm with him I forget everything and everyone, but the moment after he leaves I feel all the bad feelings back at it again, and I feel like I HAVE to run away or he, or someone else, is too going to hurt me.
Sometimes all I can think about is cutting my wrists or throat open or banging my head against the wall or table to death. I fear of cutting myself too because if he sees it he'll feel sad for me and I don't want to put stress over him. Despite him being so, soo patient as a person, I still feel like everything might make him mad and make him leave me, or that if I say the wrong word when he's angry at someone he'll snap at me.
I'm extremely in love with him, but all this pain makes me feel like I should drop off because I'll just become a burden on him, and that in the future he'll just be with me because he feels pity for me not being able to go on alone due to depression, and that I'll end up alone.
I just need to take this weight off my chest because I can't bear it anymore.
Thank you for anyone who has came so far.",moderate
dev_pid_2013,"Extreme repulsion when people cares or shows me affection : I have no idea what's wrong with me. I desire the love of people, I desire affection or understanding, but when it happens I feel so gross.
I never been a person that likes physical affection; I like the idea of it.
I think I have idolized the concept of family, romantic love or friendship; in my fantasies all those things feel right. 
But in reality I just can't handle it. I been telling to myself that one day i'll find what i'm looking for. I will know when I see it... The place where I belong, people that i can connect to. 
It's all lies, isn't? 
I feel like an outsider, I know I shouldn't been here, this world is wrong.
I can't love my family, friends, anyone. The repulsion is too strong.
I want to end my existence.
But i'm a coward.
Unless a gun falls of the sky to my hands... I guess i'll have to suffer.
Maybe this is karma... I have to accept my destiny.",moderate
dev_pid_2014,"I held a knife to my wrist today : I held a knife to my wrist this morning. I was journaling and all the thoughts got to be too much to bare. So I thought physical pain would cancel out the emotional pain. I didn’t move my wrist or the knife, I just held it there for 5-10 minutes working up the courage to do it. Not to kill myself but for a release. Does anyone else do this?",moderate
dev_pid_2015,"i just told mom that i think i may have ADHD : her response to that was to look at me weirdly and then completely ignore me...
I asked what's wrong and she was like ""idk, you and you're weird stupid ideas .. like who would have ADHD""
I respond ""people who have trouble paying attention""
""Nah, you just need to go out more!""
then i remembered that this was the same mom i told her i feel suicidal and said ""if you wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it already"".
i'm a fucking idiot for talking to her in the first place, like what was i expecting.",moderate
dev_pid_2016,"Self care made me lose my best friend : I usually let people walk all over me but about 2 months ago I was feeling brave. I decided to stop being a pushover and actually try to care about myself and my mental stability. My best friend and i, or I guess I should say ex best friend now, had plans and for about the hundredth time she pushed me aside for some dick and a couple bucks. She even made me be third wheel on my birthday. So I called her out on it and we haven't talked since. I wish I never had the courage to stand up for myself. Now she's out partying with some new people and I'm home alone feeling worthless and abandoned and it's my own fault. I really thought our friendship was strong enough to withstand a little fight about boys but I was wrong. I guess being someones bestfriend for 15 years means nothing. Being there for them when they were going through the foster system means nothing. Being welcomed in by my entire family as if she was one of us means nothing. Even the family members that don't like me love her and ask about her constantly. I wish I could go back to that moment... I wish I had kept my mouth shut... Even though she's an asshole I wish I still had my best friend... I miss her :(",moderate
dev_pid_2017,"So tired : I wake up exhausted every day. I have to fight myself to get out of bed in the morning (or afternoon or evening). I go to school and fight to stay awake in class. Sometimes I lose. 
I get told that it's just me being a teenager, that I need to get more sleep, etc. I can go to bed at 8 pm, wake up at 6 am (that's like 10 hours, right?) and still feel exhausted. On weekends, I'll sleep for 16 hours straight (or more). I've tried changing how much sleep I get, since I've heard oversleeping can make you tired. I tried to get 8 hours a night, no more. Then I tried 6. Then 4. Then I said fuck it and went back to that ""normal"" 10 hours on school nights.
I've grown tired of dealing with entire classes of people. I sit upstairs in the guidance office, just outside my therapist's office, in case I can't handle the 4 other kids in there at a time. I'm falling behind in my work. I have 3 assignments due last Wednesday that I haven't even started. The end of the quarter is this Thursday. I've got a pile of work sitting on my kitchen table. I'll take out a paper, stare at it, try to think about what the questions are asking, and fall asleep. I can't focus. Writing this post is the most work I've done in weeks.
I woke up a bit over an hour ago. I'm still tired. I've hardly moved. I have no desire to get up and take care of myself. I faked being asleep as I listened to my mom talk about how she wishes she were dead, how she deserves all the suffering she experiences, how get kids are ungrateful, how I would rather sleep my day away than lift a finger to do anything productive, how my older sister would rather be out with her friends than spend time with her family, how my little sister better be ""normal"" and not have anything mentally wrong with her, that my dad should just cheat again already so she'll have a reason to leave. Sorry Mom, that my big sister suffers with depression and use to self harm. Sorry that I've attempted suicide more times than you'll ever know. Sorry that you rely on my younger sister as your ""last hope."" Sorry that you decided to marry an asshole after he cheated on you while you were pregnant. Sorry that your husband cares more about his alcohol and his video games than he does about any of us. Sorry that we're such a burden on you.
People tell me I can't be depressed, I'm only 16, I don't have anxiety, I'm just nervous, I don't have OCD because my rooms messy, I don't have PTSD, that's only for people who have been to war. Bullshit. How else can I explain the suicidal thoughts always on my mind? How else can I explain the lack of motivation to do anything other than sleep? The panic attacks? The urge to touch the desk the same way with each arm? The desire to only use certain numbers when doing miscellaneous tasks? The flashbacks I'm bombarded with every day? How can you argue with a professional's diagnosis? How can you know more about me and how my mind works than I do?
I'm tired of trying to get better. I've been trying to be happy for almost 10 years now. There have been a few ""ups"" where I'm happy for a day, a week, once almost an entire month. It always comes crashing down. I'm on the verge of giving up. I'm on the verge of abandoning this life. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. On the verge of another breakdown every day. 
It feels like I'm sitting on the edge of the world and looking down into darkness. I look behind me, and I see a world full of nothing but pain, suffering, and sorrow. I look up to the sky and see clouds blocking out the light of the stars. I look back down and I wonder if I should jump, just to see what the darkness holds. 
I'm just so tired of everything at this point. I'm tired of my friends. I'm tired of my family. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of life.",moderate
dev_pid_2018,"I feel that ""life"" doesn't let me live : Everytime I decide to live my life in a better way, I feel like it wouldn't let me. Every attempt is followed by something terrible. Then, I come back to the old self distructive mechanisms.
As an example, I struggle with a constant fear, one of them being that something terrible is going to happen to my parents. My concerns are stopping me from achieving anything. Today, my dad called, saying that he had a stroke. I cant to anything for myself now that Im constantly thinking about this.",moderate
dev_pid_2019,"I can't : I just can't. I can't do it anymore. I just feel so empty. I either feel like I'm a total piece of shit, nothing, or I'm on the verge of tears. I just need to scream but I can't. I'm losing all of my friends because I'm so God damn annoying. I'm taking meds but I don't want them to work. They just make me feel numb and cause me to go through mental breaks where I don't even know what I'm doing or saying. 
I'm trying so hard. I really am.",moderate
dev_pid_2020,"Dating with depression : Hi, I'm just looking for some advice at the moment. I'm currently dealing with an embarrassing skin condition on my face which should be gone hopefully within a couple months, have been dealing with it for over a year. The condition was that I had a severe reaction to a moisturiser product that caused a lot of bad dermatitis. However obviously this caused me to get into a bad depression and I'm not really confident at the moment. However there are a couple girls who have shown interest in me and I was wondering how do I approach this situation as I do also like them but don't think I'd be able to be a good partner until this condition fully resolves which should be in another 2-3 months time. Thanks",moderate
dev_pid_2021,"Things just keep getting worse : My therapy office isn't open over the weekends. I wish I could talk to them today but I cant so I figured coming here might help. I hate everything about myself. It's not irrational hate either its pure and real and justified. I'm ugly, small and mediocre at everything I try, even when putting in maximum effort and applying myself over a long period of time. I have no voice and even if I did I have nothing to say anymore. I don't enjoy anything. The only thing that makes me feel anything is my sexuality and I hate that too. I feel it all the time. I'm gay and very submissive and it makes me feel weak. I want to be strong but It seems like i'm incapable of being that. I don't want to continue on like this and i'm tired of trying.",moderate
dev_pid_2022,"i could vanish from this earth and nothing and no one would be affected by it. : and i am at peace with it.
we always get the same ""if you killed yourself it would affect so many people's lives!"" and that's complete bullshit. if no one gives a frick about me while i'm alive and suffering, why would they care once i take the way out?
for me is just another way of lifting the blame and putting it on the victim's shoulders. ""if you kill yourself, we will suffer SO MUCH"". well, what about me, barbara? i am the one sturggling right now and y'all don't care. let me fantasize about escaping this hell of a life and save the judgment.",moderate
dev_pid_2023,"I'm afraid I'm going to be the reason my girlfriend dies :  TL;DR: My girlfriend is going to kill herself and wants me to be with her till the end. I'm conflicted on what to do.
This is the fourth time I've tried to write a post about my situation but each time it came out extremely messy and hard to read. That's why I'm going to try to divide my post into different sections this time in an attempt to make grasping everything easier for you (the reader) and myself to be completely honest.
the relationship
Her situation/depression
My final decision
I know a large part of our relationship troubles seem really immature and they are. But we were both really young and we still are and these are all just extremely hard choices to make at this age.",moderate
dev_pid_2024,Sometimes I wish I was dead : Everyday I feel like there's nothing in my life worth living for. All my other members living good and doing what they supposed to do all my cousins never come down to see me because they worried about they own life. I always feel empty inside no matter what I try it's never good enough and life just keeps knocking me down wondering if life really worth all this hell we live in.,moderate
dev_pid_2025,"I felt happy for a day : I felt like no one hated me for a while.
I didn’t hate myself for a while.
I am gonna be addicted to weed now, I know it. Cause it made me feel happy after such a long time. I just want to be happy, I feel so shitty right now cause I didn’t ball up today. I just want to be happy 😊 j my own though, not through my addictions.",moderate
dev_pid_2026,"i fucking hate this : sometimes i think about all the pain and suffering that people in the world experience and get sad over it because getting sad is the least i can do to balance out the suffering in this world. today i thought about the young girls in china who get sold as prostitutes because their gender is considered worthless and then they get raped constantly and they cant escape because they're controlled by a huge underground power that probably bought the police force. nobody knows about them, nobody cares, nobody is helping them. im so disappointed in society. i cant help them. i didnt even try to. im just as bad as the others. i feel so so so sorry for them and i hate myself so much. i keep thinking about it and getting myself sad. im truly, truly disappointed in everyone around me. theyre all so arrogant and oblivious, while there are extremely vulnerable people experiencing the kind of pain that they can't even imagine. in the same city, country, continent, and world. i cant believe it. i cant believe nobody cares. this really makes me lose hope. i hate myself and everyone around me. i hate this world. i want to die
its 12 am and i wanted to say something like this. this is the first time im on this subreddit. im honestly expecting nothing from it. its ok because im so selfish and its so pathetic asking for help for your own trivial problems when youre refusing to help other people in the world who need your help",moderate
dev_pid_2027,"How can I stop dreaming about her, it has been 25 years and counting : So her memory is the main factor for my sadness and in-satisfaction every day I think about her and many nights have dreams that leave me without hope, I am married with kids and she is single never married and has one girl now adult. We live in different countries and I would not leave my family even I could. I also have not been in touch with her last time was around 10 years. How can I not dream what I dream, if I take some medication could I become dreamless? Really I would much desire to stop dreaming about her it makes feel no matter what I do with my life or try to love my wife and kids I am doomed because of her memory and will not be fulfilled ever.",moderate
dev_pid_2028,"Starvation, humiliation and abuse... : Can anyone relate to being neglected as a child? For me, this one of the core bricks of my depression, and the ""ghosts"" that follow me every day... 
Me and my sister were raised in a chaotic household, without the money needed to take care of two children. My dad in particular could become extremely angry over anything. He was and still is an alcoholic, and spend tremendous amounts of money on cigarettes and booze instead of feeding us. I often found myself hiding behind curtains and other places, eating one-dollar baguettes or anything i could find. He and his parents ""my grandparents"" where quick to defend him at any cost.
Constant warfare between the two sides of my family made me chose sides, and who to align myself with in the next shitstorm of family drama. I was and still am extremely loyal, and will do anything someone tells me just to avoid trouble. 
As i said my mom and my dad didn't get along and often fought over who should have have us the most, and this often resulted in things becoming very heated, my dad would often chase me  on the way home to my mom, just because he was bitter over the fact that i went to my mom more than him. I know he did track where i walked because we often conveniently ""meet"" me in ally ways, and different places of the town where he never drove or would have any reason to drive to, hi used this ""convenience to drive me back to his place without my say"". 
one time he and my grandparents almost rammed my sister and my mom off the road, in an argument over a party she had been to or something, when they lost them they went back home where i was gaming minecraft and started to whale on me instead, saying that i was on their side and we where disgusting people and so forth..... honestly i don't remember much as it was this episode that left me with possible PTSD, as one doctor has said to me, but its not confirmed so.... I often prayed to god to kill me at the age of eight, as i was mentally exhausted. 
The police became involved several times, but nothing came of it as my dad is a master manipulator and always manages to get out of those situations, like this one time where he flirted with one of the inspectors of child protective services.   
Bulling is also something that has stuck with me, the humiliation of public bulling in school is the one of the worst things i have ever experienced. I can take a beating, and having been kicked by my class mates to unconsciousness, i can say that humiliation is worse. Standing in-front of the class and having people laugh at you, leaves a sense of shame that you cant get rid off. 
I moved from home about half year ago and started my higher education, but all of my experiences has left me a anxious wreck, if for example someone touches me without me knowing, something like a pat on the back or a loud noise. Will trigger many kinds of reactions a out fear, and if i become stressed out i often get a panic attack. 
this just starches the surface of what i have experienced, with abusive relationships and more, hopefully you guys can relate, i haven't really had many friends at all so haven't been able to compare my childhood wit anyone else, wonder if i am over reacting or not. I just needed to write some off this out, since i have been holding it in for so long and that strategy has not helped me so far. 
Sorry for bad grammar, English not my native language.",moderate
dev_pid_2029,"My parents refused to help prepare me for life and then kicked me out three years ago : They didn’t teach me how to drive, they demanded I got a job in high school but refused to provide transportation, and then my step dad kicked me out literally the day after I graduated because I didn’t let my dog outside fast enough, so now fast forward three years and I feel completely stuck. I live with my friend’s mom, I still don’t have a car and can’t drive, though I have my permit. I make $11 an hour but apparently it takes $12.50 in my county to make a living wage. I have to move out by the end of the summer, I need to get a car in a couple of months, and I need to get a car. I’m living paycheck to paycheck rn and Uber eats all of my money for work. I don’t know how I’m going to ever be able to afford to live even with three or four roommates because somehow I struggle to meet ends meet with my only bill being $275 a month for rent. Am I just a total loser? How in the actual fuck do people get on their own two feet? I can’t afford therapy either and I can’t afford medication or health insurance. They refuse to have anything to do with me now and won’t help me in ways that matter. (Ex: rn I need to do my FAFSA but my step dad is insisting that if I even get $12,000 for the next two years he’ll have to end up paying $336,000 for the rest of his life but then he said if I can get a therapist then he’ll drive me there. And now they think that they are doing more than enough to help. They live 5 minutes away from me but I see them maybe once every other year because they blatantly refuse to have anything to do with me unless they need me for something. Idk what to fucking do. I feel lost and stuck.",moderate
dev_pid_2030,"I think I have depression : My family doesn't have the money to get me diagnosed and I don't know if I'm just trying to seek attention subconsciously by making myself sad.
I'm so sad sometimes. It takes over me and it's difficult. 
I also kind of feel like I would be obnoxious to ask for psychological help, to talk about my own problems when other people around the world are actually dying and suffering. I also don't want to open up and make myself vulnerable. Ever. 
But I'm just so sad and I don't know what to do about it",moderate
dev_pid_2031,"The only time I felt normal was when I was locked in a psych ward. : I keep wanting to go back, even though I know it's a bad idea. I just felt like a person in there. I guess. I could interact with people and it all seemed like a break from reality. Even though all the people I talked to have long since ghosted me. I felt like they were my friends. Even though they also wanted me to go away .",moderate
dev_pid_2032,"For Anyone In Need of a Friend : Just want to leave a post here, for anyone in need of someone to just talk to. In my life, I'm lucky to have a couple of friends who I am actually close with and can say I love. Unfortunately, my depression is at the point where I basically can't forge a relationship of any kind with anybody who isn't going though some shit. Depression makes me feel like a different species than the rest of society, because it's the only thing I ever think about. 
So for anyone reading who's as sad and anxious and skeptic and tired all the time as I am: my name's Kevin, and the only type of person I'm interested in getting to know anymore is you. 
What brings you here?",moderate
dev_pid_2033,"you’re never alone... or are you? : I never knew I struggled with depression until now. Ever since middle school, I was always so happy and upbeat. Yet in my last year of middle school, I realized that I was sadder than usually. The beginning of high school was rough and I got through it, but not really? My best friends tell me I’m not alone. That I can call them or text them when I needed them. But, I still feel alone. I still feel like I’m trapped in a freaking box, no where to go out. All the air I breath in is negative wit ly the occasional hole being punctured to give me so happiness. 
I have this friend. Who says he’s my best friend. But somehow I feel like he’s not. We hang at times at school. But I feels like he is ignoring me, that he doesn’t care even though I know he does. He only goes to me when I’m upset and doesn’t even hang during a certain free period. It just causes me so much anxiety.",moderate
dev_pid_2034,"How bad is bad enough? : Hi :) 
This is my first time writing here, so I'm sorry if there's something wrong. I would like to say that I'll mention suicide too (nothing explicit!!), so if this triggers you, please, don't read.
I've been feeling like this for so, so long that I don't even know when I'm okay and when I'm not.
I feel that everytime I'm just feeling anxious, depressed, lost and confused between all of the sensations and interactions or just very very numb. Some days I can't even feel my own body (I feel pressure, but not the sensation of touch), and sincerely, I don't know what it is, but it's kind of comforting. I don't like being here, I don't like feeling empty like this every time, so being here, but not feeling like, sometimes it's better than the other options for me.
Sometimes I feel really suicidal. I won't talk about it in details because it's against the rules here and because I really don't want to thrigger anyone if someone reads this. But sometimes it's just an ideia, a wish, and sometimes feels like the only way to stop feeling like this.
And the problem is that even if I'm not feeling suicidal, I still feel bad. Some days more, other less, but it's here. It's always here. And I don't know if I should ask for help.
I don't think that I can be helped, because there's not something making me feel like this, this is just how I am, and I don't want to make anyone worry about me or lose their time with me.
And also, I don't know if it's worth it asking for help. I mean, I've felt so much worse, I've been so close to worst situations, and I didn't ask for help at the time. Why should I ask now? Why should I bother others if I've handled worst times by myself?
How bad is bad enough? If I'm not going to kill myself, should I ask for help? 
I don't want to bother anyone, but sometimes I'm just so tired and everything hurst so, so much. I don't want to hurt other people, I don't want to make them deal with my pain, because I know that they have theirs too.
I think this is part of why I'm posting here. Anyone has to answer, anyone has to deal with me. But it's so bad, I just want to take it out of my mind.
I'm just tired of feeling this pain of being myself and this void that seems to never let me go. I'm tired of feeling depressed in silence, because it hurts to seem okay all the time, and I'm scared to tell anyone.
I'm sorry if you read until here. This was just me talking about being tired, and not wanting to tell others about it, so I'm sorry.",moderate
dev_pid_2035,"I'm thinking about locking myself in the bathroom and slitting my wrists. : Ever since I withdrew from college after doing poorly for the last year and a half and lying about it to my parents, my life has been going down the shitter. I live with my dad and stepmom in the middle of nowhere in Maryland, where the closest apartments to my work are 1,000 dollars a month, and the cheapest apartments I'd need at least two jobs to afford to rent. I suggested to my parents that I'd move out by mid-April, not knowing how hard the search would be. My parents are supportive, but I can tell that their love for me is waning after how I've behaved with them. They are often cold towards me, not even saying hello. Even if I told them what I was going through mentally, they would call me lazy and tell me to get over it. The only thing that's keeping me from ending it all are my outstanding student loans that would take years for me to pay off, and that I have no desire to leave my parents to pay it off as that would be adding insult to grievous injury. I'm running out of options.",moderate
dev_pid_2036,"Possibly unpopular opinion: DO NOT get a kitten if you have depression! It can trigger you REAL bad. : I thought getting a kitten to keep me company and be my little best friend would be an amazing idea to battle depression. It wasn't. Most times it's great, but others, the kitten acts very weirdly, not to say aggressive and in many ways it feels he doesn't like you and wants to keep some manner of distance or personal space. Because cats are very independent, and especially young kittens are quite active, playful and don't dig being hugged and cuddled that much instead of being left free to run around, sometimes you just want to show the little guy some affection and then he bites your hand and runs away, sits as far away as possible from you and if you try to interact with him (by talk) in any way, he swishes his tail REALLY strong like he's absolutely pissed with you. It hurts quite bad to show affection and love to this little cute creature 24/7 and in return get these responses sometimes. Note that they aren't always like this, but these situations DO happen and they can make your depression worse. 
In the end, I gave my kitten to a shelter, because the recurrence of this situation was driving me insane and extremely unhappy. You give love, a roof, warmth, food and fresh water to this new friend that you truly love and try your best to pet and cuddle, and these sudden bursts of ""hey, I fucking hate you, leave me alone for some time please"" inside your very house can be truly bad. This whole episode made me a worse mess than I previously was, because regardless of those incidents I was attached to the kitten and now I have to deal with the feeling even an animal despised me and I had to give him away. 
I'm not saying my situation is universal and everyone will have the same experience, but please be aware that a kitten might show some behaviors that hurt your feelings real good if you have depression.",moderate
dev_pid_2037,"Can someone help me : So I just got my heart broken, the day after my grandfather died. And now I'm left with an emotional emptiness, coupled with anxiety & depression. The things I used to love to do, has lost their spark. I'm in heccin highschool, what the hell am I supposed to do for another 60 years? All the meds I try obviously dont work, and my family isnt much better. I'm too much of a coward to kill myself, but I constantly think about it. ""Grow up"", they said, ""itll be fun"". Any advice would be appreciated",moderate
dev_pid_2038,"I’m in need of empathy : I’m always in so much pain, that I’ve gotten used to it. Nothing makes me cry anymore. All everyone ever tells me is that I need to be strong, let go of it and move forward. They’re right, that’s the only thing that will help. But no one ever tells me that they know that I am in pain. No one ever tells me that they are sorry that I’m hurt. I never get any empathy from anyone, but maybe that’s the only thing that I really need.",moderate
dev_pid_2039,"I miss you anyways. : This is a re-post of something that i have posted already in other place. After all of this i still even miss those people who hurt me bad.
This starts at 2018. I was 15/16 years old at the moment. In that time i was a very... particular kid. I didn´t like to be around people because i used to feel them as idiots or douchebags. (Most of my classmates, used a lot of homophobic terms, racists stuff, and they all were very religious) So.
I found a group of people who were nice. And where kinda like me. The group had 4 girls and 3 boys. (One of the boys and 2 of the girls were from others classes) so. After a time, i started to have feelings for one of the girls. After a time i decided to confess to her my feelings. And well... she rejected me. And i was ok with it. Everyone can do whatever they want (If they´re not hurting anyone) she told me that, i don´t have anything wrong but that she doesn´t want to have anything serious. And we were both okay with that. A week later... she started to date a guy who didn´t use soap... (And, yeah. He kinda smelled like shit) At the end of 2019. Our group was kinda broken. We were only 2 females and 2 males. (She, a friend of her, my best friend and I) Well. In 2019 i started to.... feel things for her again, and i was worried. Bc i didn´t want to leave the group because of my stupid feelings. So i tell my best friend about that. After some time... HE started dating her. .-.
So yeah. My best friend and my crush... at my backs... yeah... they both knowning everything. For weeks i felt like trash and cried a lot. They kinda ""apologized"" (But, they wasn´t like.... really trying to feel sorry. They were just being polite) and after a time they broke up. Their relationship was not going well.
Weeeeelll.... she was feeling pretty bad, all the time and i told her that EVEN if she had been a piece of shit with me, i will be there for her. And she kinda took it well, and started to talk to me every day.
After a week or so, she told me that she was planning on harming him or herself. So i kinda freaked out. (I wasn´t in my country at the time) So. After i call her like 20 times. bc her last message was a ""Sorry"" and disconnect. I heard that she kinda hurt herself. I blame him for that, and when i was in home again and we all meet in school. (Well, when i meet them again in school. They already were talking and stuff) Like.
They were GOOD FRIENDS AGAIN. LIKE WTF?
First, you make my best friend betray me. Second, my best friend end with my crush. Three, she kinda talk nice to me, 4 everything is about to go down and finally... they are good friends again.
After a time guess what.
She blocked me, without explanation or something.
And i blocked the one who was my best friend.
The end.",moderate
dev_pid_2040,"Everyday i have less desire to be alive/do something with my life : First of all Sorry, im not native english and sometimes i write like shit.
I went to the wc and discovered that im bleeding in the same part few years ago. That time i was operated and couldnt move out of the bed like 1 month and then another month to recover. Probably going to happen the same this year, and when i remember how were those months i just want to live in another world or being another person. The part of being in home 2 months i guess i can hold it, but it hitted me hard that no one of my friends asked how i feel or something. I really don't want to pass throught that. i know my friends since 2014 (collegue, with 13-14 years). I'm probably paranoidc with this but i don't know what to do when i see all my friends meeting/hanging out,uploading stories in instagram and they didn't asked me to go, i didn't ask them never why, because im scared as fuck of  the answer. Im an anti social, shy, dont know how to start conversations, dont know to do new friends, all shit. One that hitted me hard was a birthday 3 weeks ago, All meet in a friend's house to celebrate the birthday with close friends and i was the only one that didn't go. I knew about this the next day when went to a fast food because they wanted to meet to celebrate the birthday, all of them. idk. As i said i started to think that im mad or stupid or paranoid. these 2 things kill me. I didn't go to the next level, starting self harming because the only thing that safe me is my family and my exgirlfriend (when was my gf). I never tell this to my family because i dont want to make more problems, they gave me all  i could revive 1000 times but i wont have a family like this. i just started to cry writing this. I don't know what to do. i've been a nini 2 years when i got operated the first time. And dont know how to go back to life",moderate
dev_pid_2041,"I dont know where else to turn, I’m completely hopeless : Its been months on end of feeling depressed now, I still have 7 months on the waiting list before I can see a psychiatrist and today I’ve completely lost it.
I was up early this morning, I sat at the window and watched the sunrise and for the first time in months I felt happy, and hopeful that I can feel like this again. I was feeling so motivated, I decided I wanted to take the dog out for a nice long walk and just enjoy the nice day and the happy feeling.
My boyfriend and I have only just gotten around to walking the dog (had a nap after staying up all night) and now its a miserable day. Its rainy and gross and I havent stopped crying over it for an hour now. I swear I physically felt the hope and happiness being ripped away from me. I know it doesnt seem like a big deal but this morning was like a glimmer of hope in the endless months of nothing and now I just feel the worst I’ve ever felt. (and my boyfriend is mad at me because he thinks I’m blaming him for us not going out. so he’s in the bedroom not speaking to me)
I feel so hopeless. My chest is aching and my head is heavy and all I can think about is needing a way out. I’m ready to self destruct and I didnt know where else to turn. I dont know what to do anymore. I cant survive this I swear there is no end to it.",moderate
dev_pid_2042,"Recovery??? :  Hi, hello, first time in reddit. Hello! Some profanity and some references to sex ahead (plus depression and suicide and suicidal ideation), so I'm tagging this NSFW I guess?
So, I'm having a bit of a think here about my current situation and honestly, this issue is not a bad problem to have. As in, I feel bad that this is something I’m complaining about, here of all places, but I’m feeling kinda lost. A lot lost. I don't know if I need some advice or just to put this in writing so I can look at it in the form of words rather than manic anxiety and internal screaming. I suspect this is going to be really f\*\*\*\*\*g long, so very sorry about that. Hope some of you stick with me to the end.
Ok so context: I have a few mental health issues, most notably big time depression which has an organic cause. That means it doesn’t necessarily originate from any life event, and instead is an inescapable, life-long and not-very-treatable condition that results from my brain being wired like shit. Over the past 15 years or so (I’m 29) I’ve been steadily isolating myself and I never really learned how to form like personal connections beyond the shallowest kind (and those were mostly by proxy. Friends of friends, stuff like that). I did try to kill myself at one point, a few years ago, when I was at a specially low point. And it turns out I’m really bad at suicide, which is probably the only reason I haven’t tried again yet because if you try and fail to kill yourself there’s a lot of drama and it’s exhausting. And honestly I don't have the energy to try and make a life I'm content with, it just sounds too... too much.
And since then, well… I’d mostly accepted that being alive wasn’t something that I liked very much. I derive(d) very little pleasure from anything, endlessly tortured myself psychologically because when I felt bad at least I felt something, and didn’t have much of an interest in completing my education, finding a job, moving out of my parents’ home… Y’know, just generally having a life. I had sort of accepted, in a truly chill way, that I was merely existing between depressive episodes and that the next one very well could be the one to push me over the edge, so why bother? I was going to die, and honestly it was going to be soon, and there were means and there was planning. Most of the time, going through life without an escape plan (by which I mean suicide) was simply impossible. Like, I probably wouldn’t have lived to see August. I was considering my birthday, which on the one hand has the very nifty way of reducing peak grief days for my family and stuff, but on the other hand commiting suicide on your 30th birthday is just like ugh.
AND THEN, like a month ago, it just fucking went away. Like, I’m not FINE fine, but for the first time since I can remember I’m in a genuine, sort of stable good mood. I have energy, I am making some (SOME) good choices, I want to surround myself with people. For the first time in my life I’m thinking that maybe it would be nice to have a job, one that pays just well enough to move out and live with roomates or something. Learn how to deal with people, because currently I just don’t know how to people, and perhaps one day have a romantic relationship. Or several!
I’m not going to lie, I didn’t exactly welcome this change. I don’t know where it came from (I’ll get there sorry this is so long), or what to do with all that energy, or what I’m feeling most of the time because I have no context for any of this emotions. And a little later I just started to be terrified, all of the time, that one day it’s going to go away and never come back. I’m still terrified and confused and all that, but somehow it doesn’t detract from my good mood because now I’m a positive person I guess. Disgusting.
OKAY, that was context, so sorry for the rant. Here comes another one.
So around the time this started, I was starting to hang out a bit more often with some friends of friends, always as a group. I like them very much, and I knew one of them beforehand. He’s really nice and the kind of person I would really like to hang out one-on-one (which we have, once, I think) if I knew how to like bond with people and talk to them just because, and if one-on-one weren’t such a terrifying thing. Kind of a mess, he is, but like in a sometimes endearing way. A bit sitcomy I guess. And while I honestly don’t know (because I don’t know anything anymore), I’m starting to fear that I might have a bit of a crush on him, which would be all-around terrible for several reasons.
First, feelings? Gross. I’ve rarely liked a guy. Hell, I haven’t ever kissed a boy I had feelings for. I’ve kissed many, fucked even more (rarely good, rarely worth it, always punishing), but never one I actually wanted to kiss. I don’t know if I know how to do that.
Second, I’m happy but I’m not an idiot. If this is actually a crush, nothing good is ever going to come out of it. No way no how.
Third, timing. I was going to die, by my hand, soon, and now I have a new lease on life. Can you imagine that my sudden change is because I like a boy? It would be so sad, and really dangerous, and again so very sad. And I’m fine now, but what if I start wallowing about it? I can’t afford that.
So I’ve come to the conclusion that me having a crush on this dude is:
* Really gross.
* Potentially lethal (for me).
* Ugh.
And like I said, I truly don’t think I’m in denial. I honestly don’t know and I’ve come (as I write this) to the very reasonable conclusion that the answer better be “no”. And I can’t tell, I really can’t tell. Yes, I feel sort of funky when I hear about his relationships and crushes and romantic connections, but honestly that doesn’t tell me much because I’ve always felt bad when hearing about blossoming new romances and shit, because it brings out many of my own insecurities.
I guess this is it? Oh, man.
TL;DR: I have depression, anxiety and a few other stuff going on, I don’t really have the energy or motivation to try to do anything about that, was planning to kill myself soon and then one day out of the blue I felt a lot better. Didn’t like it, didn’t understand it, live in fear it’s going to go away and never come back, now I don’t understand my own emotions most of the time. Because of timing I’m afraid I might possibly have a crush and that’s why I feel better, because that would suck real bad.",moderate
dev_pid_2043,"Overthinking... : I’m 18(m) but I’m always told I’m mature for my age. I’ve been sort of talking with this girl recently over text and seeing her fairly often and it’s been flirty and forward. We’ve kissed but nothing more. However last night I was at a party and went back to a friends hosue afterwards with a few other people. There were 3 guys and 3 girls including me and so as teenagers normally would, we sort of paired up and each sat next to one of the girls. About 15 minutes into the film she put my arm around her and she started to lean on me, which I took as a sign that she felt comfortable. This girl is beautiful, not ‘standard’ beauty. Messier hair, baggy jumper and tracksuit but something about it was beautiful. As the movie progressed we got more and more intimate untill we were spooning or whatever. We made out and that’s it. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve spent all day thinking about it. For example I play football every Sunday and normally it takes my mind of things, like whenever a wave of depression hits me (I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder) and I go onto a football pitch everything brightens up within my head and I feel light and free, but this morning I really really didn’t. I felt weighed down and burdened by it all. I really really enjoy spending time with the girl I’m kind of seeing at the moment and we always have a laugh and it’s always fun. But the girl I “hooked up with” last night makes me fight a smile every time I hear her name or think of her. I can’t stop thinking about what I should do and whether it meant more to me than it did to her. I can’t stop thinking about how I can find that out or what my next move should be. It’s all so grey at the moment. There is a massive weight on my shoulders but I can’t get it off. I feel like I’m drowning in my own thoughts and that I can’t breath properly.",moderate
dev_pid_2044,"So I've started having suicidal thoughts. : They only started about a week ago. I've always had the idea in my head but I don't think I was ever serious about it. It feels different now though. Like i might actually. I'm not to the point where I'm going to yet, more in the sense if i had a gun right now there's like a 25% I'd fucking end it on the spot.",moderate
dev_pid_2045,"shit days like these. : i had a terrible day yesterday. so much bad shit happened. how do i move forward? with time? with doing something i love? i feel so tired and just done with all this bs. i fucking hate it. im trying to watch tv and shows and videos that used to make me smile and laugh but i feel nothing, i feel compeltely fucking empty.",moderate
dev_pid_2046,"I have felt so bad lately and I really need some help : This is my first time posting here and I think I need some advice or something.
So for some backstory my childhood wasn't the greatest. I've been a huge fan of games and movies since I was a little child and yeah I usually got what I wanted but that's not the point here. When I was 5 or 6 years old my mother met her new man and they started dating and so on. Soon after they started to date he was all over me not like in sexual manner but he used to hit me and keep my head underwater and lock me in sauna and even kept me from eating sometimes. And he always did these things when I did something that he thought was wrong like not  cleaning up my room, being late or if I didn't do any homeworks. And he even did it in front of my mom sometimes and she did nothing to prevent it they even had a kid and got married. Of course when my step brother was born i got blame for every little mistake that I made and If my brother fell over then I got the blame and I was hit by my stepfather. Only one who believed me when I told about this was my dad's aunt who was my best friend and who always had my back but she was really old like 80 but she was everything to me back then because I didn't have any friends and I have always been that lonely kid.
When I grew up my dad's aunt died and soon after my grandmother and those two were really important to me and I didn't even cry when they died because all that I felt was deep emptiness that I still feel to this day even though I don't want to admit it. It left a deep void in me that I have tried to fill up for years and sometimes it has worked and I have felt happy but soon after it has only gone downhill. After my ''real'' first relationship in 9th grade ended when she cheated on me and went with another one and soon after that I have always felt really not so good about myself and I even thought about killing myself because life just felt so worthless but then came this another girl who first understood me and tried to help me and she did for a while and so we ended up talking for many months before we started to date and that was the worst relationship that I had ever had because it involved a lot of arguments and she blamed me about everything and I reacted the wrong way and I cheated on her and it left me with so much guilt that after few months it told her about it and I wanted to break up and so after that I avoided relationships and pretty much any human contact for 6 months until a new girl came into my life and we dated for few months and we broke up because I was a real mess and after few months we decided to try again and everything was going on really good until my mental issues surfaced and they pretty much messed up everything.
Well few months I was diagnosed with depression and OCD and I sometimes i get these intrusive thoughts that makes me question everything in my life but mostly it focuses on my relationship. Like those thoughts range from ''You don't feel for her anymore'', ''You don't love her anymore'' to ''just end this relationship'' and it makes me question that do I have feelings for her still. Sometimes I get this feeling of deep emptiness and sometimes it comes when I am alone and when I am with her and it scares the hell out of me. Like I want to enjoy my life with her but my mind struggles so hard to make me feel like that I don't want to be with her anymore and sometimes it feels so real that I even start to believe it. I have told her about these and she has promised to help me in anyway that she can so she is very understanding. This is also concerning to me because we haven't had any problems in our relationship and soon we have dated for a year. She was my ex before but we broke up because I was acting like an asshole and she still had feelings towards her ex so we broke up but then I didn't know about it even though I asked her many times. And when we got back together she didn't tell me about it and I had to find out myself and I felt really bad because she lied to me back then but now everything has been fine in our relationship and we have both worked on those old issues and are no longer keeping secrets but I can't find out why I feel like this. Like is this because of my mental problems or is this relationship genuinely not good? Sometimes I feel like ending everything would be a good choice because then I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore and just be gone from everyones life.",moderate
dev_pid_2047,"What a horrible thing for a psychiatrist to say to someone with depression : I have terrible grammar but I will try to express this the best I can.
I have always had a difficult time in school, it's like I lack the ability to study.  I can read the same paragraph 3-4 times and still have no clue what I just read.  In the late 2000s (and my late 30s), I finally got fed up and spoke to my doctor for advise.  He referred me to a psychiatrist and when I sat with her, I explained how much I want to go back to school to better myself but lack the tools to learn.  I told her I contacted a learning center but just the consultation would cost me nearly $1000, I could never imagine having that kind of money.  After explaining all of this to the psychiatrist, she told me I should just accept the person I am and that (and I quote) ""higher learning is not for everyone"" and to stop wasting time or money as this is all I will ever be.
I felt so heart broken and lost and here we are, 12-13 years later, I am still holding on to this.  I completely gave up believing what parents and teachers always told us, ""You can do whatever you put your mind to"".  I became angry at my parents, why mislead people telling them you can do whatever you put your mind to when an ""EXPERT"" basically told me not to thrive for something more.....BUT I have this feeling deep inside of me that I cannot explain...I just want to scream so loud.  I have such a strong desire to be more, to do more with my life.  I hate my job so much, I am so frikkin bored at work all day but I feel like this is all I'll ever be good at.  
One of my closest friends is trying to get me a job interview with her company and she truly believes I will excel at it but I am being self-destructive and it's like I am trying to get her to change her mind and forget about the referral. I tell myself she is just being nice, I will embarrass her, I will fail, they will let me go within a couple months and then I will be completely out of a job.
I really do want this job, it's been such a long time since I have desired something this bad but anxiety and depression keeps getting in the way. 
Holy crap this is difficult getting this out, I am shaking and eyes are filled with tears.  I have never expressed myself to strangers like this before and feel ashamed.",moderate
dev_pid_2048,"I lost the love of my life. Now life is pretty much over! : 
I’ve been separated from my wife for the past two month, we have been together for 14 years. (Married for 3). We have 2 amazing children together.
I admit I haven’t been the best husband or dad. I’ve taken them all for granted. I should have realised that I was being an arsehole a lot sooner. I spent too much time working rather than spending time with my beautiful family. Used to come in late from work and just fall asleep and not have time for anyone. My wife and I used to argue about loads of different things, like money and bills. I was a shit person, I made her feel shit unintentionally. I love her with the whole of my heart.
When we separated I had so much time to think about all the shit stuff that I had done. So I made loads of changes, spent less time in the office, started collecting kids from school, taking the kids out for dinner. I’ve lots loads of weight, because I’m working out, I’m paying for PT sessions. I genuinely believe I have changed my whole lifestyle to be a better person. 
Unfortunately this wasn’t enough for her. She doesn’t want me back. She said it’s a little too late. This is killing me so much. All I want is to hug her again. She is the love of my life. I miss her so much! I just want to be able to treat her like she should be treated. I’ve realised now what i should have been doing. She’s not having any of it. 
Now I have major regret. I’m in a dark place. I feel worthless. I’ve been to the doctor, they said that I have severe depression. It’s a big dark hole that I feel like I cannot get out of. I can’t function properly day to day. She told me to tell the kids it’s all my fault, she said the kids are not bothered wether I’m not there, they don’t ask for me etc. 
The kids are the only positive thing I have let in my life.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Will it ever get better? I feel like I don’t need to be around anymore. 
I feel like there’s nothing left for me now. Constant memories are making me feel shit all day everyday. I think that now she might be seeing someone else. So that means there would be no way for me to go back to the only love of my life. 
I think it would be best for all that I no longer be around.",moderate
dev_pid_2049,"Losing faith in other subreddits : I made a post in a subreddit similar to this one and the first comment made me feel worse, for content I put “I’m to heavy to hang myself” some may guess the subreddit but I don’t want to mention it here. I’ve deleted the post and left the subreddit because I thought it was a place of safety to express my feelings and get help but all I got was ‘buy a rope for pulling trucks’ witch made me feel worse in a vulnerable situation, I’m now having dark thoughts again and I’m try not to break down for the sake of my mum",moderate
dev_pid_2050,"I want a break : I really want to take a break. I don't even know what I want to take a break from. I always feel stressed, despite not having anything that's too out of the ordinary in my life. My parents don't understand any of my issues, so I can't talk to them. My social life is normal, I have a small friend circle of about 4 people, and one of them knows my Reddit profile. I just can't figure out what it is stressing me out. I have to put on a shell in front of people, because I won't seem very presentable if I act down, even though it's the only thing I do well. I just need a break from something. Thanks for reading my vent session.",moderate
dev_pid_2051,"pangs of loneliness and purposelessness : I had a lot of fun the past two days. It felt really nice to hang out with friends and really just remembering how close of a friends we are. How can it be, that I feel so lonely, purposeless and empty now? Out of the blue. Lately I've been realizing how much my life will change. Today, I logged my expenses and income of the past five months. I figured out how big of a student loan I'm gonna take out. I responded to some dorm listings. Studied for a bit. I thought, what if I fail out of my study program? If I don't make any friends and just do nothing all day? Am I gonna waste my life, that's already insignificant? I don't know.",moderate
dev_pid_2052,"My mom is a sociopath and I can't help but to wonder what my life could've been like if I had normal parents. : I grew up with incredibly loving, but strict parents, an amazing older sister, and an older brother with whom I am not close to. My mother and I always had a great relationship (as great as it can get hen you are only discussing school and leaving out every personal feeling and thought because you know your mom will never understand). It was obvious that I was their favorite; I was spoiled rotten. My relationship with my dad was loving and nice, but we never really talked. There was no depth. However, it was not like that with my mom. We talked about school and my friends, but I never felt comfortable talking about my personal life with her because she was incredibly judgmental. I kept a lot of things to myself, or I would share them with my sister. She is my best friend, and has always been kind of a second mom to me, something my mother was always jealous of. In all honesty, I, and much of my family members believe my mother has a mental illness (my sister and I have diagnosed her with being a sociopath after a lot of research and reminiscing), however she refuses to acknowledge it. All in all, my life was not perfect, but it was a good life filled with family and friends. 
I met my best friend in 6th grade, but we did not become true best friends until high school. We were inseparable; I was either at her house, or she at mine. We told each other everything, as best friends do. We even had similarly strict mothers, so we could relate to each other in that aspect. We always talked about living together when we went off to college, to get an apartment together to have our freedom, but we knew our mothers would never approve. So we planned in secret.
As I said, my mother and I had a good relationship. I was always a good child. I was terrified of getting in trouble, and never disobeyed my parents. It was not until my senior year of high school that I could see our relationship changing for the worse. My mother became even more strict, nosey, and suspicious. I wanted my freedom, and she wanted nothing more than to keep me locked in our house with as little freedom as possible. The last thing she ever wanted was for me to have my own life and leave her and my dad. Needless to say, the older I got, the harder it was to live in that house.
In 2011, I graduated from high school and began going to a community college in town, where I stayed for one year to start my basics. During this time, living at home was a nightmare. I was 19 and still had to ask permission to do anything and everything. I was miserable. Meanwhile, my bff and many of my other friends went straight to universities. I was young, impatient, and wanted to be like everyone else, so I transferred to the university in my town that next fall. My dad worked there at the time, so I got a huge discount on tuition as long as I maintained a certain GPA. As I have said, my mother is crazy and strict. Once I was attending, my mother was always in my school business. For some reason, she was under the impression that I had to show her my grades daily. She did not understand that college was not high school; we do not receive report cards, and my grades were just that—MY grades. I felt no obligation to show her or anyone else how I was doing in school. In all honesty, I was doing very poorly. I was not adjusting well to college and it showed in my grades. I was never one to disappoint my parents. I always tried my best in school and made decent grades, so this was all completely new to me. So, when my mom was constantly asking to see my grades and I refused, conflicts arose. 
Living at home was harder than ever. I was trying to grow up and become my own person, while my mother was trying to keep me her baby for as long as she could; except she did it in the only way she knew how, which was to pick fights and push me away. We fought constantly about everything. She tried to take away my phone at times, but I paid for my phone bill so I refused. She went ballistic. Refusing to show her my grades set her off. She even wanted to know my login information, which I did not give to her and she hated it. I could not talk to my dad about any of this, because he always sided with my mom, or would just defend her. He never saw her in the same light as my siblings and I did--fearful, crazy, unstable, and unpredictable.
I was 20 by now, and finishing up my first semester at college. My grades were the worst I’ve ever had, and I knew my mom would be upset. Bff and I had been planning to move out together soon, except neither of us told our parents. I knew the conversation with my mom would not be civil, and bff's mom would just try to talk her out of it. My mom has a history of getting violent, both verbally, mentally, and physically. This is one of the reasons I tried to never disappoint or anger her. She never laid a finger on me (aside from spankings when I was younger), and in my mind I would never let her. I would never put up with abuse as she did to both my siblings. I had seen first hand what she was capable of, and that scared me. So, I came up with the best solution I could think of to protect myself. 
It was now the end of the semester, and grades were posted. I was ashamed of how terrible I did and I knew my mom would want to see them when she got home. So, I packed a bag and I told my dad I was going out, and left. Before getting even a mile down the road my mom called me. She knew something was up—call it mother's intuition. I told her that I was leaving, that I could not do it anymore, and that I was sorry. She completely lost her mind, which I expected. In my mind I had two options; stay and tell her in person and risk getting hit (the risk was a 100% possibility), or do as I did. Eventually I got to my destination, a friend’s house, and I explained everything. I called my sister and told her everything, and unfortunately put her in the middle of it all. My mom was desperate to get me to come home, so eventually I agreed to meet her at my friends house. Before my friend got a chance to tell her mom our plan of moving out, my mom beat her to it and told her everything. This complicated everything more. We met at her house, and I was terrified of seeing my mom. I knew what was coming. Sure enough, when I denied going back home, she tried to hit me and shoved me into a bookshelf. I threatened to call the cops, and friends mom asked her to leave. In return she took my car and left me there. Everyone was in shock; there were no words to describe how we each felt. I eventually called my sister and she came to pick me up and took me home with her. That night was one of the longest of my life. I broke my parent’s heart, and they broke mine. That one decision, forever changed my life. 
My friend and I were still in touch to move in together, however it was not for a month or so. For the next few months, I was considered homeless. I stayed with my sister, a friend I met at college, and a coworker from when I worked at Walmart. During all this time I only had the bag of stuff I took with me the night I left home. My mom refused to let me get my stuff, and in all honesty, I was terrified to go back and get it. During this time, I met my boyfriend. We were coworkers at Walmart, and he invited me to stay with him and his roommates during the holidays, which I accepted. We clicked and decided that when I moved into my apartment with my friend, he would move in too and help with the rent. 
One day, bff and I were finally able to sign for a 6 month lease on a 2 bedroom apartment. The day came when we could finally move in, which my bf and I did. Neither of us had many belongings. He came from the dorms at college, and I came with my bag. I kept asking my friend when she was bringing her stuff, so she would bring little things over, like dishes or other impersonal items. I began getting the feeling that she was hiding something from me. Sure enough, I was right. One day, she texted me and told me how sorry she was, but that she would not be moving in with me and would continue to pay her half of the rent. Not only had I lost my relationship with my parents just months before, but I also lost my best friend. I was so upset at her for doing that to me, betraying me, and not even having the nerve to tell me in person but over a text. At this point the only people I had in my life was my sister, and my bf. My life kind of sucked. 
For the next few years, my mom called me constantly, leaving me ugly voicemails, calling me every name in the book, and completely disowning me. My dad was hardly aware of the situation, and kept his distance; he never even reached out to me. In addition to disowning me, my mom also disowned my sister and her two kids, because she thought my sister helped me plan my moving out. To this day, my mom has never tried to make contact with my sister or her kids. In fact, those kids are terrified of her and hate her because of what she did to my sister and me. my niece, who is know 13 actually has nightmares about my mom. 
About 4-and-a-half years ago, my mom let my dad bring me my stuff. It was a truckload of my belongings, half of which she destroyed. I remember going through it with my sister, we pulled out a blanket that smelled like a combination of vomit and urine. I had to throw it out, as well as other items that were crushed or vandalized. I never got all of my stuff back, and I probably never will. I had never stepped foot in that house again until last year when I went to visit my dad. My mom was not home so I knew it was safe. We talked outside for a bit, and I asked to go inside. I wanted to see my old room. There were still some of my things in the closet and room, like my rock collection. I asked my dad if I could take it with me but he said no, because then my mother would know I was there and he wouldn’t want to upset her. I walked around the rest of the house, everything was the same as the last time I was there; they even still had our pictures up—which I thought was ridiculous. All of my old toys from when I was a child were packed away somewhere. My dad said maybe one day I can have them. I hope one day I can, because it stinks not having one thing from my childhood to see or hold, or give to my future kids. 
It has been about 7 years now since everything happened, and I still cry for the relationship I will never have with my parents. I cry that I will never feel the embrace of my mom or dad again; that I will never hear them tell me “I love you” ever again; that they will never know their future grandchildren or son in law. It hurts me so deeply, but I know that nothing will ever be the same. I truly believe that my mom has an illness, and even if she were to seek out help, I would never be able to talk to her the way I used to again. I envy the people who have amazing parents, who love them unconditionally, the way a parent is supposed to love their child. I question everyday why I was not blessed with parents like that. Every time something bad happens in my life, I question if it is my karma for leaving the way I did and if that is what I deserve for hurting my parents. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and hurt I put my mother and father through, but I don’t think that is an excuse for their behavior or the way they treated my sister and I. I have spent many days and nights crying for that loss, and I hope that one day I can truly move past this, and be happy the way I once was knew how to be. ",moderate
dev_pid_2053,"Deciding about my future is so fucking difficult : I should chose a university I want to study at and apply there in 2 months. Everyone around me knows what he wants to do in the future, they have some hobbys, things they like doing. I don't have such thing. It's just that nothing is enjoyable for me, everyday is suffering, I can't find any motivation even to learn, I'm barely passing my year. And now I'm supposed to find something I'd want to do for the rest of my life and study it for 4 or more years. Like, I want to be dead, there's nothing I'd want to do, I'm so tired of doing things",moderate
dev_pid_2054,"I feel like I was born with something wrong with me : Ever since I was a tiny child, I had horrible behavioral issues. I got expelled from numerous preschools and elementary schools. My behavior & social skills got better around age 13, but at age 17 depression hit me hard and never stopped. 
I'm 23 now & i have no skills. i have no ability to persevere. I want to be an artist so badly, but I'm afraid to draw. I was told all of my life by everyone around me, despite the behavioral issues, that I was destined to be someone amazing. That I was smarter than everyone else, despite my utter inability to complete school work beyond tests. I had potential. And now I've wasted all of that potential. 
I struggle to complete one single college course at a time. I can't drive. I don't have a job. I live with my parents. I spend 90% of my time doing LITERALLY nothing, not even listening to music. I've never accomplished a SINGLE thing in my entire life. This depression has gone on for 7 years now. And despite extensive mental health treatment of all kinds, despite being given every opportunity to succeed & all of the love/support I could ever need, for some reason i can't accomplish a single damn thing. and if ive been failing & chronically self-sabotaging since i was 4 years old, i dont see how i could ever change that now.",moderate
dev_pid_2055,Sunday : Sunday’s are the worst. I always sleep in and feel like a failure for wasting the day and I always plan to do housework so my week starts better than the last but never get the motivation to do it. I’m in a bad place today and I think my friends are sick of trying to pull me out of it so thought I’d let it out on here instead.,moderate
dev_pid_2056,"I keep flashing back to my suicide attempt, do you? : Sometimes it's because I'm nervous about something and my immediate thought would be:
""You'll fail at this too, you couldn't even hang yourself correctly you failure""
Sometimes it'll be because I saw or heard something that made the memories jump to my mind
And other times it's because I'll consciously force myself to remember it, I guess to remind myself i should be miserable.
Do any of you guy have to deal with this as well?
Repost because I need answers",moderate
dev_pid_2057,"I just want some person to talk to : I am 15, l will keep it short and simple l am a male was born in 2004 my dad is an alcoholic and abusive,my mom got us out of that place when l was 11 but my mom is more like too harsh. for the past 2 years l have been working on my self studying up to 12-13 hours a day just to get high marks to impress my mom or my dad but no they keep saying that l am not good enough, today l got in a argument with my mom and my heart felt like l just killed someone so l went to apologise, but l got kicked in the stomach and got scremead on by my sisters and they keep blaming me for everything. all my friends are fake and even the teachers hate me. it's Soo bad that it reached to the point where l start blaming myself for everything l was always picked on and builied in school.everyone literally hates me, but l want to make it life so l can get out of this shit hole l live in l want to become the next big name but it's impossible if l keep thinking l am not enough and people keep telling me l am not enough, l show the people a different side of me because l don't want them to see my actual life and they complain about the most stupidest stuff like they only slept for 7 hours and there dad screamed at them to get up, l barley sleep 5 hours l sleep ate 12 wake up at 4:30 am and study until 7:00am then go to school and get picked on and surround myself around a bunch of fake people and then l come home study have an argument with someone and start thinking that l am worthless and l want to kill myself to make these people feel regret l just want a person to talk to, one person to listen to me without neglecting me or shouting at my face fuck my life l hate it, l need help, l know no one will probably respond just like the rest of people in my life, fuck l can't l am done.",moderate
dev_pid_2058,"My world is falling apart : I’m so scared. I don’t know where to turn. My husband is losing his job, and I’m unemployed. We won’t be able to pay for food, shelter, or health insurance. We’re both diabetic. I’m on a very expensive antidepressant. My young son has ADHD. We all take meds. I feel like there’s no way out for any of us. I don’t know how to fix this.",moderate
dev_pid_2059,"It's so hard to ""reach out"" : I've been on and off severely depressed since the fall. I work really hard to manage it and am seeing a new therapist this coming week but the ""working hard to manage"" part is so exhausting sometimes or maybe all the time idk. 
I know isolating myself is not healthy to the point of it being dangerous but it's just so hard to deal with other people. People I'm not open about my situation with are exhausting and/or irritating to be around. I get so drained by just an hr or two of socializing and a lot of things I would normally love are just out of the question. (which makes me sad about being depressed) 
I'm also having a hard time with the people that do know what's going on to some extent. I hate dealing with their reactions, even the kind ones. People ask what they can do to help and I just don't have anything to tell them. I wish I did because I know they want to help. I keep canceling and not following up on tentative plans because I just sit around and cry. I dont want anyone to see me like that. Or im anxious and can't properly make decisions about anything. I think an unanswered text means someone hates me etc and then I'm so out of sorts I can't handle hanging out when they do answer.
I've been friends with people who get severely depressed and while l love and care for them i know first hand how hard it can be to be around them. I feel so guilty that I am now that person to others. I don't want to harm people with how unhappy i am but I'm afraid i am which makes me isolate more and I see how this is a negative reinforcing loop. 
So how do you deal with other people? Do you have things you ask them to do for you because it will at least make them feel better? How do you respond to, ""is there anything I can do?"" How do you deal with not wanting to be a burden but also not completely isolating yourself?",moderate
dev_pid_2060,"I never feel good enough : I hate looking towards social media for validation. In real life I hate myself. It makes me feel like I am only valued by my likes or when I post ""good content"". I made a short film called ""Rehab at 16"" on youtube detailing my experience at the hospital after a suicide attempt and I am FIXATED on the reception it's getting and nothing else. Right now it's the only thing I am clinging to to make me feel good. I truly feel like I have lost all ability to truly connect with people. I'm just so fucking done with this. WHY CANT I CONNECT?",moderate
dev_pid_2061,"Tw: drug use, overdose, death : Last night i got a call from my dad telling me my sister was at the hospital, after she found her fiance dead in their bathtub from an overdose. He had been clean for three years, and was so fucking proud of himself. We have no idea how long hes been using again, but when i was doing a sweep of his basement, i found a pipe, 2 needles (one loaded) and three baggies. I used to use, but ive been clean for 7 months now. I always thought if he could do it so could i. But thats not the point i guess. I told my sister she shouldnt worry about it, i kept an eye on him. I checked his arms and legs when he wasnt looking. I talked to him atleast once a week. Fuck i saw him earlier yesterday, and i couldnt fucking tell. I told her repeatedly that he wasnt using, cause i would be able to tell if he had been. I put it on everything that he wasnt using. I went to bat for him on a hundred different occasions. Hes the closest thing ive ever had to a brother, and because i was so sure of myself i told them not to worry about it. I shouldve been able to see the signs.",moderate
dev_pid_2062,"What is depression? : The closest I've been to being depressed was two years back when everything in my life was kind of falling apart. I gave myself some alone time and tried to figure things out and went back to normal in around a month. I actually don't look at the lows that we have in life in a negative way, I look at them as an opportunity to learn, to be stronger when I face the same problem again. My friends say I'm a very negative person which I think is probably true and thats what I wanted to discuss here. 
Even when I feel alright, when I feel happy one thought in my mind never changes and that is - ""life is pointless"". I don't think there's a point in living because there's generally only endless pain and a few good moments in between. I would really like if some people would share their thoughts on this",moderate
dev_pid_2063,"Thinking of whats gonna happen if i even recover from my depression in the future almost makes me sick of trying to get better : In a hypothetical situation, i do get better and i survive. what next? i had to drop out of school because i was so sick. its been like over 3 years. starting over is almost impossible. ive been going up and down for so long that knowing ill be in a state in which i feel ok but theres nothing to do, ill just be depressed again. my hypothetical future seems nothing i want to heal over. whats the point. my therapist always mentioned the joke of “how many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? just 1, but only if the lightbulb WANTS to get changed.”. like how about this. fuck it. im the lightbulb and i dont want to be changed anymore. its all so pointless. im at a dead end. fuck life.",moderate
dev_pid_2064,"My oldest son just left : So here is some of the back story. 7 years ago I attempted suicide with pills and he was the one to find me and call 911. It was in a middle of a divorce and a loosing battle with depression. I ended up with full custody of my son and from the day forward it was us against the world. He was my son/best friend and reason to fight back against depression. A few years ago I quit going to counseling and taking my medication(like and idiot) and started to slowly slide back into depression. Oct my son took off the Navel boot camp and I started to fall apart. I have been back on my meds for 3 weeks, started therapy again. He came home on leave for 8 days but left just an hour ago. I’m having a really hard time with it, can’t stop crying. I know I will be fine but it just hurts. I’ve meditated, talked to my friends and family but nothing is helping. Going to go for a jog after this and hopefully it helps.",moderate
dev_pid_2065,"I hate weekends. : I hate weekends so much. I hate school too. But every weekend is increasingly miserable. I hate constantly looking at my phone to see that nobody’s texted me, nobody has asked to hang out, everyone’s forgotten my existence. I hate looking at my phone just seeing everything my peers are doing with each other, seeing my friends hang out without me. I hate that I can’t bring myself to anything productive at all- can’t clean my room, do my homework, can’t do anything but lay in bed and stare at the clock wishing everything would end. In the end I have no homework done, have done nothing my parents told me to do, havent stepped foot out of the house and barely my room. Waiting to go back to school where at least people are forced to talk to me. Where at least there’s some sort of miserable routine. Weekends are hell. I barely eat. I cry and smoke and hurt myself in my dirty room all day just to go to sleep and do it all over again the next day. Then go back to school feeling more miserable than the last week just to do it all over again the next weekend. 
I don’t know if I can endure another weekend.",moderate
dev_pid_2066,"it feels like everything is going downhill : During these past few months i've had problems with self confidence(or that's what im classifying it as, because i'm not sure how i'm feeling). my grades have been kinda bad, and soon we're choosing schools based on what we want to study. one day, my friend lashed out on me and commented on my bad grades, and it made me feel like i was stupid. when i studied harder and my grades still weren't good, it just became worse. i have also been getting more acne recently, it feels like my friends who i hang out with in class and have known for three years have something against me, and i have noticed that preformance-wise, im not as good as i thought. I do MMA, and have been doing it for a couple of years. we recently started sparring for real with others who are as experienced as us, but im much worse than others who have been training just as long as me. i dont know who to tell this to, because it feels kind of embarrassing, would appreciate a response. thanks",moderate
dev_pid_2067,"By focusing on depression, you will never conquer it. : I think that depressed people are very intelligent and it’s a viscous cycle by focusing on the negative. We seem to have this duty to fix anything wrong and when it’s too hard to pinpoint we go haywire and it destroys our psyche. Just let go. It’s hard. I’m hard on myself a lot but if I forget about it by a change of scene then I forget but I can go right back and say nothing works. 
TLDR: just kill the cycle by stop dwelling in it. I even think you should stop following this type of  /r it’s going to feed doom into your mind. Again just try to break the cycle. Smash it into pieces",moderate
dev_pid_2068,"Who else is having a massive flare up? : I take my meds most days, and I have a supportive spouse. I have bad days sometimes, maybe once a month or less. I have bad moments more frequently, mood swings, what have you, maybe a few a week. But I haven't had a flare up like this in years. No pleasure in anything, listlessly drifting from one thing to the next, but nothing brings me joy. Not suicidal, at least, but feeling like it's all a bit pointless.",moderate
dev_pid_2069,"Angry episode due to depression? : Hey y’all. This is my second long bout of depression. Most likely stemming from my dad’s death three years ago. It’s always there a little, but this whole winter has been REALLY hard. It’s difficult to separate what’s wrong with me and what’s wrong with my marriage lately though. 
Anyway, I started a challenge with my husband to help our marriage a bit. It was supposed to be fun, help us to reconnect, be more open emotionally, etc. The last two days it was like he wasn’t even trying. He never got excited about it. 
It was super triggering for some reason. I felt alone, rejected, unimportant, and like I can’t trust him to do what he says he will. 
I completely lost it. Screaming, yelling, crying, punching walls, throwing things. During my first bout of depression I remember doing that a few times but I think it was because I mixed alcohol and antidepressants. I’m not on anything this time. Maybe I need to be. 
My question is, is this a symptom of depression?  Do depressed people have irrational angry outbursts like this? Or it is unrelated? I was doing so well and now I’m back here.",moderate
dev_pid_2070,"Do I have depression? What should I do? : [18F] I’ve been feeling very restless since i was 16, which gradually got worse in the last 2 years. I know that I enjoy studying and I do have many other goals I want to achieve (such as exercising regularly), but I can’t seem to translate them into actions. 
I suspect it started due to a burn out. When I was 13-15, I did well in my exams and it felt good so I really enjoyed studying. Hence, all I did was to study all day. Approaching a major exam, I think I started to burn out and I sometimes just laid on my bed and used my phone when I should have been studying.
This went out of control when I entered high school. There was a steep learning curve, and everyone around me were smarter than me. Studying became less enjoyable, and my tendencies to stay in bed all day doing nothing became stronger than ever. Looking back, those were really hard times, my mind was literally telling me to study but my body wouldn’t budge an inch. 
I thought that it would be over after I have finished my exams, but unfortunately not. At first, I tried very hard to get out of this situation. I worked hard to find a job during my break, and started journaling. However, such progress was only short-lived. Even though I managed to get a temporary job, everyday when I reached home and on weekends, I was one with my bed. Now that I’ve received my results, I’m even procrastinating with my uni applications. 
My parents were very strict and controlled my life for the first 13 years, so i don’t think i was given the chance to develop my self-discipline. 
I’m not sure if I have issues with my self-discipline or if i have any mental illnesses. I have many goals for myself, which I have written and typed so many times in an attempt to kick start my momentum, but they never materialise. I am normal at work (except maybe a little lack of self-confidence), but off work I literally do nothing useful. 
Can someone help me analyse my situation and also provide tips on how I should proceed from here? I would really appreciate any help, thank you!",moderate
dev_pid_2071,"Just wanted to say hello & introduce myself. : Hello beautiful people. I've been diagnosed with moderate depression 6 years ago and was put on medication. 3-4 years later I moved out from home. I seemed to have recovered by then. So treatment stopped. It was not entirely abrupt, but the weaning-off procedure was not medically ""ideal"" either, because I rather took matters into my own hand.
Fast forward I think my depression never fully went away. I haven't felt this typical emptiness or soul crushing sadness ever since I stopped treatment, but other symptoms come and go in a span of several weeks or months. 
The main one being: I become ""lazy"", everything costs me enormous amounts of energy. I haven't really cleaned my flat for 5 months. The laundry is piling on. I do the absolute minimum of my responsibilities, sometimes not even that. Personal hygiene goes out the window.  Indifference kicks in.",moderate
dev_pid_2072,"im so sad, please help me : I have been sad for a few days since at home I am currently not comfortable and I am going through great stages in my life.  I am a boy of almost 16 years which his mother did not give him the attention he should have and for that reason I suffered depression for 1 year, I have been living with my father and his current partner and lately they discuss a lot and I think I am to blame for everything, ago  Almost 1 month we had to move but I still see my friends and change institute, I already have new friends there but I feel empty, incomplete, I am depressed all day at all hours.  I was talking to a girl and I honestly believe that she is the one, I didn't have much luck in love either but she had been in my bad times and yesterday I was with her and it was a super precious day for me, but today I was all day fatal  , any advice?  thanks",moderate
dev_pid_2073,"8 sessions into Neurofeedback. Should I be seeing improvement? : I’ve had the brain mapping done and my therapist thinks it’s not so bad. I’m a logical, generally happy person but I’m crippled with depression and emotional dysregulation. 
—-context—-
I was an artist until the stress of a very toxic job and unstable relationship kind of killed my self esteem and identity as an artist. All of my dreams to be a business owner, real estate owner, and artist seem out of my reach as a poor person without stability or a safety net and realizing this leaves me with no motivation and actual dread every day. I’ve been trying to meditate on what to do: build up my floral business that people keep encouraging me to do (but I can’t even afford flowers), paint the paintings I feel disenchanted with that others love, return to a career (if I can get a job) that supports me but is ageist and sexist and soul crushing? I can’t find an answer and I feel trapped in limbo and paralysis. If money/rent wasn’t an issue things would be a lot different. I make plans as often as possible with friends but outside of that I can barely get myself out of bed. Even my bed isn’t stable as I can’t afford my rent. I’m working freelance for my bf and he’s and paying for NF so I have this rare opportunity to turn it around.
—-/context—-
So far nothing though. I have trouble staying awake during the sessions like my brain is broken and I just lose consciousness or go into a haze. I don’t feel any reward for modulating my brainwaves. I don’t even feel like I can control them. The “games” don’t interest me and trying to keep the bad feedback (racecar slowing down, screen fading) from happening just frustrates me. I can barely keep my eyes open during any of it. Outside, I’m still feeling maximum anxiety and depression. 
Am I doing this wrong? What’s happening?",moderate
dev_pid_2074,"Everytime you feel like you've found out the cure, you soon realise you have just scratched the surface. : I think depression is something deeper than just feeling down. I am 22 and had a real bad bout of depression when I was 18 and 19. Things have been good since then as I learnt a lot and made things easier for myself. The past few weeks have been great. I finally have a picture of what I want in life. I recently got accepted into a grad school and things in general have been going well but today something just hit me. 
A familiar feeling. My old acquaintance. Ah we meet again. Why, it's been so long, how nice of you to visit today. But I didn't invite you. Oh? You just barged in. Well, guess I have to make room for you today.
It's almost like I forgot what it really feels like. The way it consumes you. All of you. You become helpless; thoughtless; beingless. The lump in your throat. The gravity in your stomach. It's such a unique feeling but I did forget about it, at least for a while. 
Once it hit me, I couldn't help but reminisce about my past. The nostalgia is almost poetic. Most of me hates this feeling but there's a part of me that absolutely craves it. This is why I'm lead to believe that depression is not something you can completely erase. Even if you're okay for a few years, it might creep up on you inadvertently.
I guess what I'm saying is to not think of it as something you wish you didn't have but rather focus on how you can make the most of yourself despite these awful feelings and hope that they go away for a while. I hope that reading this might give you a perspective and help you live the life you deserve.
Thanks for reading. I'm out!",moderate
dev_pid_2075,"unrequited : all my life, my feelings have been unrequited... and im crying without feeling anything anymore. does this mean im already numb? but stil i am crying.
i should have known. my roommate, who i have strong feelings for, was desperate to have his car cleaned last Saturday. and when i got off from his car, he wiped it after me, the windows and the footstep. i didnt even place my foot there.
this Sunday, i thought he was sleeping late or not feeling well even. it turns out that he left early. so he has a date. he even bought a hair gel at the supernarket yesterday. so it was a date. his car was not at the parking spot. i feel so foolish and stupid. he even knodded when i said we can reheat the food for lunch. he could have told me. why keep it a secret that your going somewhere. i even cooked for lunch. he may have picked her up and thet went to church together. because he wouldnt have his car washed like that without expecting a girl. this would be a second date. he went to church without me. im alone  now. i wont be able to church now, because he already has a new churchmate. God knows i dont have the money to commute. i guess i will no longer have days at the mall either. he has a new date to the mall now. i really hope this doesnt work out. ive know him and he has disrespected me in every way that i know. i was only treated as someone he needs to live with out of necessity. im not even treated as a good friend. he knows my depression and that may have been a mistake. when i get panic attacks he would also meet me head on and say its an ugly trait. that is not a friend. my therapist called him evil, manipulative, selfish, and childish. i shouldnt have these feelings but what do i do? they say depressed people can still love, but that is just wrong. nobody really cares anyway. whoever that girl is, she is stupid to even consider him. he is still married. separated but still married. and yet there is a girl who still go out with him. talk about being desperate. well i am one of those desperates. i just hate this so much. to be set aside like that. to be not seen. i miss people who treat me better, who treat me as a person. past 2 am and im still crying. im crying because i know ill forever be alone. i dont have anyone. im ugly, unloved, and used for. conveniences.",moderate
dev_pid_2076,"So hard to be happy even when Im happy : I have a good life. I have a new car. Im working towards a masters degree in something I love. I have a beautiful family. I have a wonderful son. Im only 26.  My future is amazing and my fiancee and soon to be wife gives me the world...
 I still wake up not wanting to be alive or so depressed I wish I could just not exist. I have a lot of trauma from childhood and my past that I cant seem to move past. I lived in an aprtment that got engulfed in flames with my family insided which forced us to go down a fire ladder from the balcony. I watched my dad get beat to a pulp with a 2x4 at 6 years old because he owed the wrong people money. I was taken advantage of by a teenage girl who thought it was fun to make my brother and I strip butt ass naked for her and my fathers friend had a son. another highschool aged kid,  that decided to ""teach"" my brother and I how we were ""suppossed to touch eachother"". I spent time as a homeless youth, spent some time in foster care seperated from my siblings where on my first day at my first foster home the dog accidentally hubg itself because it was leashed up too close to a stair case and slippe. In college I came home to my mom strung out on the floor of a trailer on Christmas after searching for her for days (and this wasnt even the first Christmas this happened). Ive watched both my parents, the people I love the most get arressted. I was 6 years old in the middle of a police raid where my dad and his friends were busted after trying to hide and stow away. His friend blamed me for telling the police his hiding spot. The list goes on and on. Abd today my mom is my best friend to this day and shes also recovering and is 100% happier than she was 5-7 years ago. Most of the negativity in my life stemmed from my father and my mom always tried to right the ship. Memories of seeing her or my now deceased father in the depths of the worst part of their life has left me beat and exhausted. I dont know if im okay because I don't know what okay feels like. 
I normally wear my past as a patch of pride on my sleeve, but my friends of decades have no idea what ive been through other than I was poor and it wasnt easy. I just want to seperate myself from the past and be able to enjoy the life I have now, but I feel like everyone has given me everything they can and said what they can and the last hurdle is on me to clear, but I feel like im lost and confused a lot of the time.
These feelings arent daily, somedays Im completely fine and haopy and I feel like ive beat my depression and aim on top of the world, but when things start coming back  and when they pop back up its rally hard to get out of my head. Thanks for listening I needed to vent. Im exercising (kinda), practicing midfulness,  clean eating, and I take my citalopram daily, but its not always enough.",moderate
dev_pid_2077,Dump : It’s almost been a year since and I’m still not fully detached from it. I hate it; it’s consumes me some days. Other days I’m far away but today it’s with me and it feel like nothings changed but so much has.,moderate
dev_pid_2078,"Might kill myself in a few hours might not : I feel like I should be dead, but I don't really want to die.. I just want to end the suffering which is gettibg worse every day that passes... I can't find the motivation to live any more, but, still.. here I am..",moderate
dev_pid_2079,"Theres literally no point to life : I get flash episodes of this as part of my depression when I'm driving doing my job.
Like I'm passing by streets, cars, people, and everything seems so pointless.
Why am I doing that job.. why is that person walking there... why is that car parked there... why why why. Why all these people at the supermarket buying shit.
I just walk by the checkouts and it's different people but all doing the same shit.... packing and paying... walking out.
Wtf is the point? If we all died in a mass extinction event.. no one would know.
If we didn't arrive after the dinosaurs... no one would ever have known they existed.
And even when we do know they existed... like... so what? Still zero point to anything..",moderate
dev_pid_2080,"I usually post negative stuff here so for a change : I stopped writing and I think it really negatively impacted my headspace. 
So I started a blog, solely for myself. And for the first time in a while, I’m having fun writing again. 
Depression can’t take that from me, even though it has tried its absolute hardest. 
Even if my writing is crap, even if no one ever reads it, who cares? Creating it makes me happy.",moderate
dev_pid_2081,"Please please give me advice. : I am 21 years old. I am driving myself crazy. I have dealt with depression my whole life. I don’t know why I’m sad I just am. I took medicine for a while. I stoped because I’m not going to be a zombie. But I want to get on other medicines. Just not the old ones I was one. 
I want to live. But it is getting so extremely hard to push myself. I’m making myself go to therapy tomorrow. But my mom said it might take a while to get seen by a medicine person (sorry forgot name) to get prescribed medicine. I can’t wait any longer honestly. 
I dissociate all day. I was diagnosed with dissociative disorder a couple years ago. It has gotten really bad. My brain now is extremely foggy. Nothing, literally nothing goes on in my head. 
I went to an out patient program a couple years ago because I told my old therapist that I wanted to kill myself. I feel like I need to go back to something like that. But my grandma paid for it and it was thousands of dollars. I do not want to ask for that. She is struggling and I just can’t ask her. 
My only reasoning for still being alive is my family and animals. I want to be alive for myself for once. I want to be happy.",moderate
dev_pid_2082,"I hate myself and my life. : So much shit have happened so fast. I just want to die, but i know there is people that would miss me if kill myself, and i don't want to do that to them.
Only things i enjoy in my life is being with my brothers, eating, weed and alcohol. My life have been so shit that i have started to drink alcohol and smoke weed much more.
Im also scared of social interaction, and that just make my life more harder. I have so muxh stress, depression and fucking shit. Always when i go to sleep i just hope i wont wake and this all have been some very big, and bad joke.
Im very young and im not sure that i could live my whole life, too fucking many years.
I know i should get some help and someone to speak, but that does'nt work for me,i have tried many times. 
I have one very important people in my life, my brother, and i have been very concerned about him for last 3 months. He can barely buy food and pay his bills. He has also had strange cramps (dunno what it is in english, human cramps and shakes u know) and no one knows what's the reason.
I don't need any help from here, just wanted to share my shitty fucking life here, and tell you guys that you are not alone with your problems, and there is always someone who cares about you.",moderate
dev_pid_2083,"I don't know how to stop being sad : I've tried pretty much everything so far. Have actively been trying for years now. I've made some gross mistakes in the middle. I'm still in treatment. I'm going to keep trying, not giving up yet, hell no. But don't you ever have this feeling of ""fucks sake, how much more do I need to do to try to feel better? Why is shit not working?""
I don't know man. I'm just so tired.",moderate
dev_pid_2084,"I can't sleep without accepting this hard truth. So i punish myself everyday at night so I can atleast get a good sleep. : ""It's not my past mistakes or failure, it's not my parents or neighborhood. it's me.. I'm the problem. I'm the reason for my own sadness and emptiness. No matter what happens in my life, I'll never change. It's just who I'm. That's the hard truth.""",moderate
dev_pid_2085,"Depression Headaches?? : Hello everyone! Ive tried to describe depression headaches all my life but im not sure if other people get them. People have blamed physical inactivity (which ive found not to be true) and I only get them at a huge emotional low. Its like a tension headache, however I use headache very loosely because its not even painful IMO, although I feel the pressure described in tension headaches. Its like my emotions are manifesting physically. Or maybe its the feeling of seratonin being forcefully withdrawn from my body lol. I just feel pressure on my head and feel nauseous. I thought it was caffeine withdrawl or dehydration, but while caffeine and water helped, the most part wasnt that. Anyone relate? Its frustrating b/c pain meds dont fix it, as there isnt pain in the literal sense, but its an uncomfortable pressure that just makes me feel worse.",moderate
dev_pid_2086,"Sometimes it hits hard... : I do my best to never to never complain, but thought I would give this a try. I’ve had this deep depression, lately.  A little bit of regret, nostalgia, loneliness, and too much time to think.  
I retired from the military, last November. As much as I was looking forward to it, I miss it everyday.  Mainly the comradeship.  The knowing that although the day is stressful, it’s stressful along side your brothers and sisters.  
Moved to a new place, with just my dog.  My kids are adults, but I miss them everyday.  
And the loneliness.  I’m pretty sure that takes the cake.  The time I spend staring out an apartment window.  
Not much to say, other than my sporadic thoughts.  Maybe I just needed it off my chest.",moderate
dev_pid_2087,"Not sure what to do with my life : ​
I currently live in PA have a shitty manual labor job i absolutely hate. I graduated with a 1.2 highschool GPA because i can confidently say i never studied or really tried once during highschool. Was literally 30 assignments behind a few weeks before graduation and failing most of my classes so i calculated the exact amount of assignments i needed to do bare minimum to pass in each class and only did the bare minimum but made sure i aced all the ones i did do by using a little bit of effort.
But im 19 now and regretting not caring at all about highschool and not knowing what to do with my life. I dont know what i would like to do as a job maybe something in Law enforcement but im still unclear. Everyone in my family is poor and lives paycheck to paycheck i do NOT want to be like this. I didnt grow up like normal kids so i didn't get to experience things a teenager usually does like going to parties having my first drink or even relationships. I was forced to stay home and care for my great grandmother who had Alzheimers since i was 14-18 taken out of normal school and put in online school so i could be home 24/7 didn't get to leave the house for months at a time except to go and get my haircut every few months. Our hallway was always full of dog poop because i didnt care at the time and they weren't my dogs. Lived with my aunt too but she was a drunk and gambler.
Im just at an impasse in my life right now not knowing what to do. The only thing i can say for certain is i want to get out of this godforsaken state and live a little experience the things i missed out on. Texas seems nice",moderate
dev_pid_2088,"Happiness : It's funny, because if I really think about it, no probably knows how bad my depression is because I come off as happy almost all of the time. People that dont have depression or know what it's like dont see it, they dont see that even when I'm smiling I feel like I'm slowly dying inside, or when I make a stupid joke it's my way of coping with the pain. 
And when they do see it, it comes as such a shock or they label it as something else. 
""You're lazy, get up and do something.""
""God, you can be such a bitch sometimes.""
""Have you really not done anything all day?""
""Stop overreacting.""
""Calm down it's not a big deal.""
I could go on for days with the little things I hear my family and friends say when my happiness and smile crack, when the facade breaks just a little bit and they're able to see the dark and twisted up person I am inside. I smile and laugh and force myself to slap that smile back on because I know that they cant and they wont get it, even if I spelled it out explicitly. I just feel like a clown most days, painting on my face and putting on a show to make everyone else happy.",moderate
dev_pid_2089,"I'm freaking the fuck out about this : I moved back into my moms house about a year ago. Since then her cat has fallen I'll, so I've been paying the the cats vet Bill's. Shes going to end up needing a surgery that will cost 2k in a town 5 hours away. My moms house needs around 10k of repairs done or else we are risking out health living in mold. I dont give 2 shits about my health but I want my mom, and her pest to be healthy. She cant afford any of this so I'm obligated to pay for all of it. I personally saved 7k, and I have about 17k in my trust fund, and another 60k in a little while because my brother will be buying out my half of the house. I would just use that money to pay for repairs, and such, but my dad, and mom dont get along, so my dad would be livid if I used my trust fund on my mother's house. I know my grand parents wouldnt be happy iether. I know I'm probably being a little bitch, but I just needed to vent about this.",moderate
dev_pid_2090,"Why even bother to do anything that makes you happy? : You always feel 10x worse after it's over. Maybe it's because deep down you know the feeling isn't coming back for the next three weeks. You go through all this effort, just to feel happy for what? Like a day? IF that. And then whatever you were happy over ends or you stop liking it like every other interest or hobby that was massacred by the murderer called depression... It seems pointless. People always tell you to go out and find something you enjoy, but when you're depressed, with actual depression, it's not going to last. It never does. Why even bother?",moderate
dev_pid_2091,"Wtf week : This week has just been too much. For a bit of context I have attachment and dissociation and really struggle with processing and accepting human emotions. 
This week I sat on the tube platform to kill myself. That is my chosen method. This was the closest I've got to actually ending it all.
Then to make matters worse someone I've been getting to know drunk text their love for me. But I'm struggling to process it. I feel like I'm spiralling. That this major thing was said and now we're carrying on like nothing was said and I dont know if that's normal.
I've been struggling for a while and this week has really seen it all come to a head. 
I dont think this post makes sense as I'm not good at expressing my feelings but I just needed to post something to try to get it all out of my system.",moderate
dev_pid_2092,"1 thing to live for... : Yeah... I only have one thing to live for and it's this girl I like. After about a month of realizing that I actually loved this girl she attempted suicide. Fortunately it was an attempt and she did not succeed. When she I learnt that she tried to kill herself my mental state went rock bottom. I thought of every single way possible to kill myself and wondered who it would affect and that I didn't give a shit about it anyways. This has all happened in the time lapse of a week and I needed to write it down somewhere. Last thing to note and that is ""fuck life.""",moderate
dev_pid_2093,"lost sense of self : I  have grown up in a white country, and have always been told my grandfather was Spanish which explained why I had brown skin. My girlfriend got me an ancestry kit to discover whereabouts in Spain my grandfather came from as my mother never spoke of him and didn't ever want to talk about him. I was raised catholic with my grandmother being  Irish and my grandfather supposedly Spanish which made sense.
After taking the test and getting my results, it turns out he was Indian. I  have really struggled to accept who I am as I feel zero connection to  Asian culture. Can anyone help me with any advice on how to accept myself for who I am, as I am extremely depressed and unable to accept myself?",moderate
dev_pid_2094,"Trying to meet new people makes my depression way, way worse : Hello, I am a college student. This semester had been going pretty well. I was able to casually chat with people in my classes every now and then which was good. I was enjoying my major, and overall feeling like things were going well. 
I never really try to make friends with people since it usually just feels like a huge burden on me mentally and emotionally. I have a few friends, which I am grateful for, but I have been thrown down so much.
A few weeks ago however I met what I thought was the perfect girl. I was being very cautious at first and just wanted to be friends since we have a lot in common. We were snapping back and forth and she seemed so interested, things were going so well and I was really feeling good. 
She invited me to come over for a party and to come a few hours before and I did. We chilled a bit and seemed to get along very well. She then started cuddling on me and we ended up spending the night together. 
We kept talking more and hung out again, but she suddenly lost interest out of nowhere. I had let myself get too complacent and she made a burrow in my lonely mind.
She is so perfect to me. She looks amazing, she is interested in all of the same things as me, if anything I envy her a bit because she actually does the things that I was scared to pursue when I was younger out of fear of ridicule.
Now I am just another pathetic loser to her, desperately trying to scrape up our relationship. All I ever think about is how much better life feels with her and how bleak it is without. I wake up feeling dread, I can barely focus on anything. It’s been like 2 weeks. I know I should just forget about her and move on, but I don’t think I will ever find another person like this again. I know for the rest of my life I will be comparing girls to this one and they will never measure up.
I don’t want to die, because then I would never get to see her again. She makes life feel worth it.",moderate
dev_pid_2095,"I'm not sad anymore : Just painfully numb, everything seems so dull and dreary. I wake up in the morning and already start wishing the day would end so i could go back to sleep. I get so bored i start hurting myself to feel something other than just nothing, but i dont feel that either.
And despite all that i don't think i have depression or any mental illness, i used to think so since i was sad the whole time and hated everything and everyone, but now nothings there... I want to go back to those miserable times cause misery seems better than nothing at all",moderate
dev_pid_2096,"The circumstances might change, but I won't : I just realized that it won't really matter what I do or accomplish if my mentality stays the same. I thought for a while that all I needed was a goal but goal ≠ passion. I don't think that I'll ever be satisfied with what I'm doing, I don't think I'll ever feel like I'm doing something that's worth it to somebody. I haven't really longed for anything for so long now. The only thing I want is to be alone but when I'm alone I get mad at myself for not doing something with my time. It's not going to go anywhere. I don't want people in my life so I can disappear when I want to because I don't see myself actually going through the stages of adulthood. Most of all I don't really know what to do with myself or if I really need to exist.",moderate
dev_pid_2097,"Been giving in a lot more lately : i've been pretty ok with my life. of course not really but recently i've had more and more thoughts of suicide and running away leaving everything even the single most precious person i love. or at least think i love.
in a recent little argument we had she called me out on doing bad habits and that i do things she told me she doesn't like. she said she's tired of me constantly making the same mistakes. i tried explaining to her that my head is too clouded to remember things that are important to me. and she should understand because she suffers from depression aswell and has forgotten our anniversary several times but i never got mad or annoyed at her for that. but when i said i don't want to live anymore and that she should leave me before she gets more depressed over my death she said she thinks im making my depression up as an excuse to emotionally abuse and manipulate her.
i've gone too deep in this relationship to breakup with her. i feel forced to stay or else she'll do something. but i agreed that we can 𝘵𝘳𝘺 a poly relationship with someone she fell for in the mental hospital. so now knowing she has someone to be happy with (and she seems way happier with him than me most the time) i feel like i have no worries to cut the ties with everyone i know.",moderate
dev_pid_2098,"Any else feel the older you’re getting the more lost you feel? : Dose anyone feel like the older they get the worst they feel I’m 27 years old I should be happy I have a loving family close friendship group but sometimes I feel so down asking myself what’s the point of it all and at night I don’t sleep and sometimes I actually cry to myself. 
I just needed to write this to get my thoughts out there thanks.",moderate
dev_pid_2099,What is your saddest song? :    I’m feeling really depressed and hopeless these days. I’m listening to my sad music but I’ve heard it a thousand times before. What is the saddest song that you’ve ever heard? Or the one that impacted you the deepest during hard times? I will listen to EVERY song posted here and respond. Hope y’all are doing better than me.,moderate
dev_pid_2100,"Why does all my worth rely on a single person : I literally had such a good weekend. I saw my mates, we watched and played football, and we went out partying. It was fucking great. Then literally as soon as there is something wrong in my relationship, it completely sends my world down. It's like if theres a single problem in the relationship, my head just thinks everything is life is shit. As for a bit of backstory I also suffer with really bad anxiety, mainly because she messed me around a bit. Either way it's like I'm tied kn a fucking loop of trying to please just because if theres something wrong it sends everything to shit
Sorry about the rant it probably doesn't make sense but she's just asked for ""time to herself"" to decide what she wants. Fuck this man.",moderate
dev_pid_2101,"The fuck am I supposed to do : The fuck am I supposed to do
My parents have these little pity arguments that sometimes turn into an all out verbal brawl. I am powerless over my father. I am considered on the spectrum, and with my dad who used to be in a constant state of anger I never felt safe around him. He said that he changed, my therapist, mother and everyone else said he changed, yet I don’t believe them. Just now my father was pissed about something so undoubtedly worthless and yet he still persists on being an anger ball of shit. He just called my mom an asshole under his breath and I wanted to kill him right then and there. He reminds me of his ‘old’ self that everyone says he moved out of. His old self included me being in constant stress and fear that one tiny little thing will just set him off and get him to rant about me being a worthless piece of human shit. Everyone keeps telling me to move on, yet no one knows the sinking feeling of maybe, just maybe, the ‘old’ angry dad will show himself again. So reddit, what the fuck am I supposed to do?",moderate
dev_pid_2102,"I feel like selfish and worthless : I want someone to talk to me and listen to my problems. I called my guy friend but ig he's busy. He has a gf so I feel bad if I talk to him for too long. He doesn't really get depression but he's trustworthy. I haven't gotten too deep, just told him I have depression. I'm afraid to talk to him about how sad I really am and feel like it'd be selfish to put all of this on him.
I had another guy friend who understood what depression was and such. He helped me last year. We drifted. I tried to reconnect yesterday but I don't really know if our friendship still exists. It had gotten complicated with feelings last year. I regret confessing because maybe if I didn't we'd still be friends. I feel like I ruined our friendship but I really need someone to talk to and I've been crying nonstop the past 2 days. 
I feel selfish because when I talked to him we only talked about me and my problems. Maybe that's why he doesn't like me.. I miss him so much.",moderate
dev_pid_2103,"What’s the most memorable thing a partner has done for you during a depressive episode? : I struggled with dysthymia for quite some time. My current partner has a much more severe, life long experience with depression. She has very low periods lasting two weeks or so in which she is extremely withdrawn. I’ve had some relatable experiences in my life, so I do my best to reassure her it’s ok to take some time for herself, I understand, and I’ll give her the space she needs. It sincerely does not bother me, and she has had moments of intense appreciation for my understanding and patience with her.
What I want to know, is if there’s anything unique or special you’ve experienced during a low period from a partner that really stuck out to you? Is space and understanding really the best I can do? If it is, I’m absolutely ok with that. Im a patient person and I do not want to be overbearing.",moderate
dev_pid_2104,"I'm so fucking alone : I'm sitting in my university's cafe and there's no one else here. It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon and once again I'll be by myself the entire day. I was supposed to eat with a friend but they didn't show. At this point Im used to it. Every day I wake up by myself, spend my day trying my hardest to not think about real life too much, and then going to sleep early in the morning. I'm failing my classes since I can't bring myself to leave my room or I'll just start fucking crying, which is what I'm currently doing in the back of the cafe. Every day this cycle drives me deeper in deeper into this ocean of negative emotions that I can't get out of and I hate myself for it. The only reason, and I mean the only reason, that I haven't offed myself in some field is because it would devastate my family. They are everything to me and yet I'm such a fucking disappointment. They gave me everything and I never had any reason to be sad and yet here I am. I honestly don't know how much longer I can hang on. I'm sorry for the wall of text but I just needed to get this out. For someone to hear and understand.",moderate
dev_pid_2105,"Restless Bimbo : Long time lurker, but I finally need to get something so small and insignificant off my chest.
Why am I not tired? How is it that when I take sleeping meds, it go to bed earlier, or turn my phone off at a decent time — I still won’t sleep? 
Everyone says ‘depression makes you tired,’ why can’t it make ME tired? Why am I so restless? Why am I up at 3am, lying in bed, thinking of nothing, dreaming of nothing, doing nothing. I want to sleep, and wake up tired, I want to forget about my responsibilities and let my depression move it to the background. Why is my depression scared to be DEPRESSED! 
I’m so tired of NOT being tired! I want to dream of something, no matter how terrible it is, I want my paranoia to rest, I want my paranoia to exhaust me.
I’ve been sick, so I take some liquid meds for cold and flu. Knocks everyone else out — but fucking me. 
I want to sleep, and dream, and I don’t want to be awake all the time time, I don’t want to be awake 5/7 days a fucking week. But it’s like every time I get drowsy — I’m not drowsy, I’m just... dizzy. 
Dizzy because I know I’m scared to sleep, in my head.",moderate
dev_pid_2106,"A friend committed suicide and I can’t understand why : Last sunday (01.03) a good friend of mine took his own life. I know it sounds cliche but he is the last person i would ever expect to do such a thing. 
He was a good looking guy (21M) had a good job and had recently found a new girlfriend and now he’s dead. 
i’m really struggling to come to terms with it all",moderate
dev_pid_2107,I’m losing my mind : I am losing it so much. My girlfriend is in the hospital because she drank so much and couldn’t stop throwing up this morning. Now she might be sent to a mental hospital because she’s depressed and she has suicidal thoughts. I’m over here now thinking why I didn’t stop her. Why I didn’t I do something about it. Why am I not good enough to do anything. Why do I do the things I do. I love her so much and I do so much but at the same time she has to realize she has stuff to do and can’t be going out and getting all fucked up because we’re depressed. I went through it and I pull myself out of that hole before by myself and I don’t know where to start with her. I tell her not to do things and she goes and does it and I don’t like that about her. I love her so much but we’re both fucked up. I don’t take care of myself all the time because i hate myself so much and she tries to take care of herself but when she drinks or smokes she doesn’t stop and won’t stop until she’s asleep and I worry so much about her and I don’t know what to do about her. I’m not breaking up with her because I love her and I really wanna be with her and help her with what she needs help with but I can’t help her if she doesn’t put the effort in to be able to get better. I love her so much man. It honestly hurts.,moderate
dev_pid_2108,"Depression 2.0 : I suffered depression, or at least i thought I did when I was in my early 20s. After medication and some therapy, I got better.
But now it's back. But it feels realer this time. Like, disabling, isolating, scary. I feel drained and fragile. Like I look back at before and think ""gee, I didn't even know what depressed WAS compared to this"" , and anxiety feels much worse now.
I feel less able to cope as well.
I also am finding I'm numb to hearing many of the same suggestions as the first time. I don't know if I even really had depression the first time in hindsight because it was never ever this bad.
Has anyone else had this? Either way, any advice? 
While I'm not trying to trivialise by making a silly analogy, I can't think of any way to describe it than when you watch a movie and there's the bad guy, but actually, he's just a minion and the read bad guy is much worse. It's like this",moderate
dev_pid_2109,"Experiencing debilitating boredom the last few days. : I’ve been feeling so bored that I’m struggling getting through the day. I go to the gym, walk my dogs, play video games but I get so incredibly bored that I even begin to dread the future. It’s like I’m anticipating something but i have nothing to wait for. Nothing, absolutely nothing seems like will excite me or motivate me. I have no friends but I don’t want them, no job but don’t want it, nothing seems worthwhile.",moderate
dev_pid_2110,"Please understand : I feel like such a failure at 30 with no job. Every-time, I try to talk about this insecurity with my mom, she just brings up other parents with kids in similar situations. I just want her to realize that school wasn't the answer to everything. It wasn't her fault, but I want them to recognize I'm dying on the side. Yet, my mom will keeps saying hyperbolic phrases like she wants to die when I try to express it. I think about grabbing a razor blade and just cutting myself in front of her. 
I've been to a psych wards. I've been to jail. I tell her she should consider these suicide attempts because I was lost and had no idea what to do at the time. 
I know it's all up to me, but I'm such an asshole to myself. All this happened because it's a pain in the ass to give our dog a bath. I was planning on getting stuff done, but who am I kidding. I probably wasn't gonna do anything anyways.",moderate
dev_pid_2111,"I'm in high school and I want to die. : Exactly what the title says. I thought I felt bad in middle school but each year it just gets worse and worse, like sinking deeper and never reaching the bottom. Waking up is so painful. I can't remember what it feels like to be happy. I sit in class and imagine smashing my head against the desk while everyone around me talks about their dream colleges and boyfriends. Life is piling up. I'm left behind in everything and nobody notices or cares. I don't feel human anymore. I don't know what to do.",moderate
dev_pid_2112,"I'm a dead worm buried 10 meters deep : I've had depression for almost half of my life, everyone around me is going places whilst I'm here lost and rooted to my bed. I fucking hate it. 
I stopped getting any form of education, and I live in london which means I'm definitely not going to get any decent job (not to mention I can't vocally speak cause of my social anxiety).
As soon as my sister finishes university I'm going to finish myself off,  until then I'm going to try to improve.  
Fucking hell, I'm gonna leech off my mum, why do I have to live so uselessly, ive tried going to the therapist, I forced myself going to school, i forced myself to go the gym, I forced myself socializing I forced myself and tried my best just to feel worse. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuxk fuck fuck fuc.
I've lived my life always doing whatever the fuck I didn't want to do because I never had other options, which built up this tower of shit that is now slowly collapsing on me.
I just wanna bash my head in, there more I try the worse it gets, realizing how hard is getting a job even if you have a degree is not motivational at all.
I have no idea how some people can just wake up go to school (consistently) without even knowing what you want out of going to class, basically just raw dogging life. I wouldn't mind working. Life is looking dark in the next few years, probably me having to work at mc dee's until I kill myself, doing something I absolutely despise, I'll be lucky if I can keep myself from killing myself during those times.
I'm ranting out here cause I don't wanna tell anyone, I don't wanna worry anyone around me, it's easier to tell a bunch of faceless strangers on the internet because I don't have to know who knows how I feel. Feels less lonely. I truly hope you guys won't give up like a weakling like me.
I'm such a shitty son, brother, cousin and nephew, you guys are lucky since I'm not in your family.",moderate
dev_pid_2113,"Suffering is life and life is suffering, and when you think your soul cannot be smashed any further... : I could write a list of life changing tragedies I have endured but you'd think it was fiction. From falling 30 feet and smashing bones and organs, to being robbed at gunpoint, to having my home and belongings trashed by a hurricane, to divorce, to joblessness and homelessness, body wracked with pain, painkiller addiction and liver disease, etc etc and more...  But those things are in the past - right? But they are in my head everyday, and every night, and only sleep brings peace but I am unable to sleep more than an hour before waking up feeling sick.
I've heard it all...  ""God has a plan for you"", ""Time heals everything"", ""Our struggles make us stronger"", ""There's always someone worse off than you"", etc etc.
So why am I still here? Why bother dragging out the suffering?
Everywhere I look I see fake people, narcissism, delusions of grandeur, masked contempt & hate, jealousy, lies, backstabbers, power-hungry bullies, and criminals - and you know what? They win. Over and over and over and over again I see and encounter individuals who really are despicable in their acts, deeds, and merits, and yet they are winning, happier than me, wealthier than me, with friends and adoring folk around them, even the ones they tread on daily.
So this world is a nightmare illusion, where evil triumphs and there is no real justice. The more FAKE you are, the more you MAKE IT and damnit, that is just not me. I am tired of it. 
It's enough. I am not brave enough to end my life, but I wish daily for it to end. Now with all the fear-mongering about coronavirus, I am hoping to get it.
I look back at my life, and I look at my life, and I wish there was a 'delete' button for it. I am pathetic, and I am ok with it now, life is pathetic and I see it as pointless. I could write more, but what's the point?",moderate
dev_pid_2114,"I’m going through a really bad depressive episode rn... : ...and I’m about to go into work acting like everything’s fine when I want to die on the inside. All I want to do is just lay in my bed and cry my eyes out but I can’t, I have to walk around pretending I’m okay.",moderate
dev_pid_2115,"Practice Notes : Does anyone else write practice/fake suicide notes just to see what your final words would be as if you were going to kill yourself right after but then you just throw it away or stash it? Or is that just me? If I'm being honest im sort of expecting that after one of my ""fake"" notes, then its gonna end up being the real deal and I will not have said everything I wanted to say or explained things the way i wish i could. Tbh i dont even know if i would want to leave a note for that reason but also there are things that people dont know that i would like to tell them if it was the end.",moderate
dev_pid_2116,I Give Up : It's been a rough day already. My family made me eat. I binged and purged three times and now I feel like shit. Im going to start another fast and I hope this one goes as planned . I honestly don't know what to do anymore :(,moderate
dev_pid_2117,"i feel like i’ve had so much bullshit in my life that it doesn’t feel serious anymore : i’ve had so many failed suicide attempts and honestly it’s demotivating. It doesn’t feel serious anymore. I’ve had loads of trauma; molestation, rape, abduction, almost murdered, sexual abuse, and it’s frequent that i’ve stopped caring; it’s not serious. There’s been so many messed up relationships but it feels so frequent that it doesn’t feel serious. I’ve been losing touch with reality because of dissociation and it doesn’t feel serious. My sleep paralysis demon wants me dead right now so i think i’ll kms tonight; i feel like the couple of people who know about the bullshit have kinda faded away in their own ways. The people that i have previously lived for are people that i don’t really matter to anymore. I feel sick to the stomach writing this; i’m done.",moderate
dev_pid_2118,"I feel like I'm falling into insanity : I'm not sure why I'm typing this. This will be a congealed mess of words, I'm hoping someone can relate - though I'm not sure what anyone can do to help me. 
I am in a great situation compared to others, I'm not in a warzone, I'm not abused, I have no reason to feel this way. I was 13 when I first had these feelings. Self harm, eating disorder, depression, anxiety - my first suicidal thoughts. I became better, but I spiralled down again. I realise I was never better, but the good days outweighed the bad days.   
I'm now the worst I've ever been. Though I've matured now. Self admitted to therapy, doctors referrals, everything I could do - I've tried. I am not self harming, skipping meals but I'm the worst I've ever been. I should be happy that I'm 18 now, I can drive, go get smashed at the club - yet nothing. The anxiety is through the roof, it feels like I'm drowning. My teenage happy years feel like they have been stolen from me, did I deserve this? Probably not. No-one deserves it. 
I suffer from a couple chronic illnesses, they stop me leaving the house. I am missing a lot of college, I am going to be kicked out soon - I know it. I have been an open book to them. Every doctors note, therapy note they have scanned to their system. But I can't keep going. I don't see a future for me. I wonder what my future will be like, but I can only see now. Tonight isn't the night I'm leaving my past behind - but I know soon I'll bite the bullet. 
I just wish there was more support for men. I haven't tried any medications for this illness, the doctors have rejected it. I think that was my last chance of hope. The one thing I want to experience before I go...the sun again. I want to bask in the sunlight, listening to the music, wondering - is this the end?",moderate
dev_pid_2119,"I have Animal Crossing to look forward too. : For over 10 years now I (24/F) have only ever kept myself around for future game releases. 
Family, friends, they didn't matter when I was ready to off myself but what always kept me around and what Still keeps me around is
 'Hey you'll miss a cool game coming out!'
And that's what keeps me here. Video games. And at least it's something. At least I have something.
 At least in video games I can feel like I'm wanted and loved by people. Despite the characters being digital it's always felt more real.",moderate
dev_pid_2120,"I’m not here for me : I constantly feel like I would be better off if I ran away or just disappeared or even worse. And sometimes it’s come down to that. I’ve attempted twice now and I didn’t regret it until I saw a face that I loved, and I knew loved me back. The first time I took a shit ton of pills when my family was out. I felt so shit and I didn’t care. That’s untill my mum came home aboht 15 minutes later. That’s when I broke down and lost it and just cried and cried and cried for a day straight. The 2nd time I had just left school and I went and sat on top of a multi story car park for hours on end until it got dark. I turned my phone off so nobody knew where I was, but I wasn’t far from my school, maybe a 5 minute walk. And at about 7:30pm I saw one of my teachers who had been at the shops to which this car park belonged. She came over to me and we talked and talked and talked and I broke down. Recently I’ve been feeling the same way I did those two occasions, but the difference is I really really really don’t want to put my family through it all again. My entire family broke down and all they were worried about is me. It’s only just gotten to the point where if the phone rings my mum doesn’t automatically assume I’ve been found dead or something. I really don’t want to put them through any of that again, but I know that if it wouldn’t efffect them, then I wouldn’t think twice. I don’t know what I should do from here. I don’t feel I have anyone to talk to. I guess this is a really long winded way of me asking what are your coping mechanisms. I’m sorry if this wasted you time, I didn’t mean to, I guess I also just needed to vent and get it off my chest and couldn’t think of anyone else to tell, so I chose a bunch of strangers on reddit! Once again. I’m sorry.",moderate
dev_pid_2121,"Today is my 18th birthday... such a horrible day : I wished this day could be nice, I mean it was a special day for me, people remember this for their whole lives, but it was just awful. I had anxiety the whole day, I couldn't eat anything because of it and I felt bad as shit. It's depressing, I feel like stuck in a rabbit hole, I always knew how to bounce back but these days are just impossible. I have a girlfriend and some good friends, but I feel alone anyway (even though they are comprehensive). I don't know, I feel like nobody knows me, and that's because I behave as a cynical person. I feel horrible, and I'll remember it for my whole life.",moderate
dev_pid_2122,"I need to talk to my friends but I can't : I have been struggling so much this last week and I want to talk about it to my friends so desperately but I just can't. I don't know how to and it has left me feeling so alone and isolated even when they are with me.
Even if I knew how to start the conversation I don't know what I would say. My mind is a mess of incoherent thoughts that I can't understand myself.
I am scared that if I try to talk to them I will just cause more problems. I don't want to burden them again to the point that they leave me alone again. I don't want to hurt them.
For now sleep...",moderate
dev_pid_2123,"I just want someone to love me : I've been single pretty much my whole life. Never had a long relationship, struggled with dating.. I fell in love a guy who wasn't mine and i thought we were finally getting together last year but instead he broke my heart and didn't seem to care.
I'm crying so much right now.
I'm scared I'm going to alone forever, never find love. I hate people saying ""you don't know what's around the corner"" I've been waiting so long. I waited for him and I got hurt. I'm so scared.",moderate
dev_pid_2124,"My therapist said it's my fault my mom hits me : She asked me how my day was and I told her how my mom pushed me against a wall and hit me a few times. She told me parents don't do that without a reason and I should ask her why she did it rather than guessing, and I should be nicer to her. She recommended I write an apology letter for whatever it was that I did to make my mom so mad in the first place. (I failed a quiz in precalc)",moderate
dev_pid_2125,"I need honesty. : 2019 I made a ton of mistakes that lead me to lose basically my whole friend group. It was over a female more or less. We became close friends and eventually friends with benefits. I was looking for more of a real relationship with her but whatever, fuck it. At this time I legit only had 3 friends left. My fwb (let's call her K) and two others. 
2020 came by and my two other friends decided to ditch me. We dont hang out anymore and they dont even contact me unless I contact them first.      Whatever. I still have K, right? We have a weird relationship. She knows that she can give me minimal attention and I'd stick around, but we hang out basically every day. 
She's using me. I know she is. But fuck, I just enjoy being in someone's company. I'm so fucking desperate for companionship of any kind that I'm literally breaking my back to do everything for this girl. And I honestly dont mind it  I really like her and enjoy being around her, and she seems to feel the same way. 
Recently the past days she's been distant. I know I'm losing her. It fucking sucks. It wouldn't be so bad if I had someone to talk to, but I dont. She doesn't even give me the time of day to respond. What the fuck could I have done wrong. 
So I've decided that if I have no one, I might as well die. If I for sure lose K, I'm as good as dead. 
So I dont know if this is a dead mans manifesto or a cry for help. If at least someone reads this then I'll know my voice was maybe heard. 
I'm so fucking alone.",moderate
dev_pid_2126,"Guilty feeling : (This was a rant so sorry in advance for the grammar)
I just feel so guilty all the time. I feel guilty for not talking to people who want to help me, but I don’t want to bother them and I’ll feel guilty for bothering them if I open up to someone. My counselor keeps saying that I should talk to people and people genuinely don’t mind, but I really can’t wrap my head around it. Why would anyone want to listen to my bullshit problems? Why do I matter? I live in a first-world country and have so many opportunities. I can’t complain about anything. 
But then again, if someone I know from the same country has problems, I take it seriously and don’t think they’re overreacting at all. I just have a problem with myself. I really want to get better but it’s just so fucking hard and I want to feel something again but I can’t. I just feel numbness, emptiness and darkness and I want to be the happy child I once was. I want to enjoy all the things I used to love, but I just can’t. I keep trying and trying but it just keeps getting worse. I just feel so hopeless and like a useless piece of shit. I keep comparing myself to others and I know I shouldn’t but I just keep doing it.
I feel like such a useless sack of shit and I don’t deserve anything. I would love to have a partner but I don’t think anyone would want to deal with how I am. I’d understand but it kind of hurts that I’ll never really be in a partnership. I know life isn’t about finding a partner but it would be nice you know. I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore, so I’ll stop here. 
Thanks for reading",moderate
dev_pid_2127,"The truth is it's all my fault.. : I can't handle this world, there's too much evil, too much injustice, and I'm too weak to handle it. I can't and will never learn to play normal just to survive. I see too much, know too much, I can't just ignore it all. I envy people who do. It's all my fault, why am I so weak, so damn sensitive to all the bad things.. I don't want to be this way, nobody could help me, and now I'm dying for real because of it. I'm too broken, depression is not something I have, it's my default state, I don't remember a time when I was truly happy and unburdened. I always, always, always see the bad.. Now I only hope for a quick and painless death but all that's is front of me is more suffering and a painful death. Fuck me....",moderate
dev_pid_2128,"Am i even depressed or just lazy & ugly? : I dont go out my dorm because im naturally ugly which motivates me to waste even more money on takeout food despite having a damn school cafeteria. I waste soo much money and i also have to worry about student debt after i graduate as well.
I havent been out of my dorm room since thursday, i only gone out to get food from a online delivery app that delivers to my dorm or just go to the bathroom. I dont even go out to my cafeteria because that means i have to wear mascara and do my hair and brushy teeth. I havent brush my teeth for almost 4 days and i can smell my disgusting breath and havent showered for almost 4 days either,  my lips are even dry. My legs are hairy, hairy pelvis, and have se under arm hair but i just cover it up. 
I sleep in my mascara and contact lenses for days. I would sometimes take off my contact lenses and keep on the mascara and sleep.
I would wear stupid fake eyelashes or curl my eyelashes if i had to go out and go to the delivery person who goes to my dorm. 
My dorm room is slightly messy, its a single room in a do apartment. I dont even speak to my roommates or even talk to them for days because im in my room. I dont even want to be around them if it means them seeing me without mascara. 
My room has piling laundry, my room slightly stinks if you focus enough, and i sometimes would have an equivalent to a basement dweller gamer piss jugs but instead its ziploc bags.
I dont have friends and i never hung out with anyone since middle school. I never had a fun summer vacation, i was always in my room. I wasted my whole ass youth and im 22 years old and im about to be 23 in summer. Getting a job means no more summer vacations, ever. Or having any fun ever.
I will look back on my college and youth with nothing but disgust, sadness, and loneliness. I was thinking about joining a school club if possible despite graduating in may but i think people might judge me, especially if i go alone.
Am i depressed or am i just a lazy nasty fuck up?",moderate
dev_pid_2129,"I’m losing everything I used to love : I’ve always known there was something wrong with me but it’s only now it’s started getting properly serious. Honestly I blame schools, the stress and social anxiety we’re put through day after day is unnecessary but it seems like no one cares. 
And now I’ve got to the point where I’ve lost motivation and feeing for the things I used to love. 
Firstly I’m a runner. I run 800 meters on track and I was among the top 50 athletes in Scotland, I’ve been training for about 10 years but now I find I’m looking for excuses not to go, and when I do run I don’t have the motivation to run through pain, I choose to slow down or even give up completely. I hate it but I can’t help it
Then there’s love. I had a relationship for 4 years and now I’ve blown it. I just started to lose feeling. Simple as that, and she could sense it. 
I hate what I’ve become",moderate
dev_pid_2130,"feeling suicidal again. : i just feel extremely low and have a consuming fear that no one will ever love me romantically. i’m 18 and have made threads on this before, but i can’t seem to feel good about myself. i just want to hang myself. i can’t see anyone ever falling in love with me, even though i am described as having many great qualities and a sweet personality. 
this pretty much all stems from the child abuse i received growing up- told i was unlovable and would never be enough all the time while being beaten. the scars just never go away...i just want the pain to stop",moderate
dev_pid_2131,"No life : I'm not saying to to be just one of them people who say they have no life but I really dont...
I wake up, have a cig, watch some anime, look for jobs online, and then go bad...
I have no motivation to even get out of bed to be honest but I cant just sit there or else my mind just going to far down the rabbit hole...",moderate
dev_pid_2132,"depression and failing school. : a while ago from September-November of 2019 (to now as well) i woke up every morning thinking i was going to kill myself that night so i'd put 0 effort through the day. im in high school, and i had loss of credit from how low my grades got. however on November 20th i met someone that almost flipped my life around. he gave me reason to live and made me promise not to kill myself. but i already failed so much that i think it's too late to keep trying. i have been trying to fix everything but it's hard cause i keep getting these suicidal thoughts. it's so much work and my brain shuts down the moment im overwhelmed. idk what to do, i can't fail my Sophomore year but I can't kill myself i guess. one option is way easier than the other, but it'll hurt everyone around me. getting help isn't any easier cause no adults can know im a danger to myself. any advice?",moderate
dev_pid_2133,"Yup. : I completely hate myself. I hate the way I look, I hate the way my voice sounds when I talk, and I am utterly disgusted with the way I interact with others. There is not one thing I like and I feel it pushing me closer to the edge. I use to be tons of fun now, I'm nothing but a shell of a sad soul with a sad life. I can't even imagine me getting old or having kids. I feel as though I'm suppose to die before that time comes. I'm stuck in my head, living in the past and wishing I was dead.",moderate
dev_pid_2134,"I'm rlly lost : So I rlly don't know what to do anymore (this is btw my second post on reddit so I'm sorry if I do something wrong).
I'm living alone since 6 months and before that I lived in a foster care. Things got much more worse after I got my own flat. I realized in this time how alone iam. No family, no real friends. Everyone that I seem to like more rejected me.. I got the diagnosis borderline and depression and I can't rlly cope with that and I'm everyday near to kill myself.. I just lost my best and only friend after I told her that I caught feelings for her. So now I have no one anymore and just feel empty.. Idk if someone can help me tho..
(sorry for my bad English I'm a German)",moderate
dev_pid_2135,"Fml. : I’ve lost so many friends due to me not feeling like I was good enough and telling myself that they hated me, and not being able to express myself. Fast forward to years later and I know I’m depressed and that’s why I had those thoughts, but they’re long gone and I have to now deal with this on my own. They probably think of me as a terrible friend and I feel like they’re better off without me. I don’t deserve them. I feel like I let them down and even if I tried reaching out they’d be so annoyed at me, which I totally understand.",moderate
dev_pid_2136,"When I’m not at work I have nothing to take my mind off my depression : Just nothing at all. I have no hobbies and I’m only left with dark intrusive thoughts about things that make me want to kill myself. The loops are repetitive, monogamous and meretricious. With that being said it’s because I’m so disconnected from my real self that I don’t know how to access myself when left with my thoughts. It’s only defense mechanisms and all the time in the world to wonder about the philosophy of why. The self loathing that fogs all my perceptions just isn’t fun. All I want to do is not exist. I don’t know how not to think as if I was an academic text book. I don’t know the first thing about creative ability and bring truly spontaneous with life. I don’t have flow. I’m not well orchestrated. Instead of stagnated. Floating until life passes me by and I die. I feel so embarrassed even writing this. I feel embarrassed to live. Masking at work isn’t a substitute for living, I just always feel like I’m drowning",moderate
dev_pid_2137,"Hiding everything : I hide all my feelings deep inside myself. I know it’s not healthy but every time I tell people I get sent back to the mental hospital. I’ve been 5 times in 1 1/2 years. I hide my self harm and suicide attempts. My parents think I started self harming at 11, but it was 8. I started banging my head on walls to the point where I would pass out. I started cutting at 9. I’ve tried suicide 3 times that I remember. After overdose attempts I barely remember the next few weeks. I’ve gotten so good at faking that anytime I break everyone says “but you’re always so happy! You can’t be depressed.” I don’t even know what I feel anymore. I can’t tell what emotions I feel except for depression and anxiety. I think about suicide every day and I just want it all to end.",moderate
dev_pid_2138,"Disastrous life, need help :  I am a 19 year old from a Third world Country, I have been increasingly depressed with how my life is and with every breath i take I feel its too much for me to bear so i'm here!
So thing starts in grade 6 when my ambitious mom decides to get me admitted to a very posh School where only the richest kids go and mind you my family was no where near rich and were only able afford my education through cutting all our spending in other places. So the first year in that school goes HORRIBLY wrong with me having trouble to adjust with other kids as most would just make conversation about the things i can only hope to have in my dreams so i mostly kept quiet and everybody started picking on me and bullying me to the point that anyone who even talked with me was labelled as a ""uncool"" person and other people would avoid that person. 3 years went like this where every minute in school felt like a nightmare and my only happiness came from playing games on a half busted computer. Grade 9 came, I got switched to a different section and got a new bunch of people that didn't know me, so i started lying about everything and made some brand new friends and also fell in love with a girl but guess what she made me her best friend but rejected me as a boyfriend clearly indicating affection for ripped dudes with muscles, While i was here who cant even afford to get a gym membership(I'm Skinny AF). I give my O levels(Grade 10 exams) and did moderately well and guess what i didn't even get a ""good job"" from my dad. Then suddenly my parents tell me i cant go to school anymore as they cant afford it so i only get private tuition by teachers who do not belong to any school. In the mean time my family goes broke to the point that we can no longer afford the moderately sized apartment and have to move to a LITERAL CAVE, this house has 2 rooms only which is Cluttered with furniture and NO LIGHT comes here, this alone made me consider suicide, now My A level exams are 2 months away and I'm heavily under prepared as all i do is nothing and listen to sad songs. Mind you i literally skipped my Family problems, tldr my father doesn't live with me as he does his work in a different state and my mother hates him and he in turn hates her, my Sisters life is , to say the least destroyed and that has caused her to do all sorts of crazy things, like she for 4 months straight thought my parents were conspiring to \*\*\*\* her! amidst these things here i am with a Crazy Inferiority Complex to the extent that makes me feel down at everything i do in life. Now the Few friends i have are all going to better places to study and now i have no one left in my life, no friends, Intense loneliness. My love for money is the same as a homeless person, Money would have solved all my problems so everywhere i go i can only think of becoming a rich af, it hurts that all the people i used to hang out with have so much money from their parents and i start out with no money at all. I am willing to work 24/7 to become some billionaire but the thought that it might not work at all and i might stay the same old poor me with no life no friends no money no wife, this feeling of anti-hope makes me want to hang myself. I have tried committing suicide once before and got caught while putting my head through the noose and the scream of my mother made me not want to do it. Now nothing feels good, nights go by crying the dark alone.
If you belong to the 5% that read through that please respond and say ANYTHING, i want a human to understand my position right now. 
Thanks to all responders in advance :')",moderate
dev_pid_2139,"struggling hard right now : ive been really struggling to be positive at all lately and it hits me hard whenever i have a bit of quiet time to myself.
over the past few months a lot has changed for me, some good, a lot bad. work is not going so great which is hard for me as it used to be such an important part of my life, now i just feel isolated and filled with dread whenever i am there, like an uneasy feeling i cannot really explain or shake.
i have a feeling like my life is going nowhere and i am not progressing as a human being, like i am not the man i sould be, the fact i am still fairly young (23) doesnt come to mind, i feel like i am running out of time and i havnt got much to show for myself
a few months back i met girl, through a friend during a weekend of mountain biking ( one of the few things i can do right now that helps me forget for a few hours at least) we sort of hit it off and became good friends rather quickly, something rare for me being autistic and having a lot of social problems. obviously i started to catch feelings for her, and after seeking a shite load of advice from close friends and a few failed attempts i finally scrapped together thr courage to tell her how i felt, i got a very thoughful knock back (something i was expecting deep down) and we both said that remaining friends will be completely okay, part of the reason i struggled to share my feelings was the fear of losing a good friend. however i know feel like i am slowly being pushed away. i am really struggling to cope with this lately as i feel like i have yet again ruined something that was going well in my life and i have been really beating myself up about the whole thing, getting the almost relentless feeling of being completely alone  that i am right for nobody.
i also have a very self destructive tendency to convince myself that nobody really cares about me, despite having some very close friends, some that i have actually grown closer to over recent months. friends that can make me feel that they love and care about me when i am with them can turn into people that wouldnt really care about me if i was to dissapear when left alone with my mind.
the only thing i have found that helps with these feelings is tasking myself to do things to keep my mind ocupied, tasks that i have to think about fully when doing them that i cannot think about anything else. i have chopped a hell of a lot of firewood in the past few days. but i cant do that sort of thing 24/7, which is when all those feeling flood back in. relentlessly. without fail.
i dont really know what to do anymore and honestly i am pretty damn scared",moderate
dev_pid_2140,"I feel like giving up : I'm trying my hardest at life and it seems like I keep getting rear ended. I moved to a new city. Jacksonville, Fl. My parents haven't spoken to me since. I came up here so I can work because I wasn't getting hired back in my hometown. I moved in with the love of my life. I should be happy right? Good job, girlfriend I have my health. I've been going to a gym recently to see if it'll stop all the noise. It's not. Seems like if I try to do anything proactive the noise gets louder. It keeps getting louder. I'm a vet so I signed up for counsel services. It can't come fast enough. I've also thought about taking anti-depression . I think it's called welbution. Tbh I'm just venting right now.",moderate
dev_pid_2141,"I am always angry : I am angry with how people treat one another, I am angry about how I have been/am treated on a regular basis, I am angry with how my life has turned out, I am angry that I have been misguided, and I seem to be more and angry every day
I struggle to find any kind of solace in anything, and I don't believe any thinking techniques truly work at all. People equate changing behavior to changing thinking, but that isn't the case. I can't stop feeling angry.
I have no outlet because it is 1. Too late to change the past events that I am angry about, and 2. Nothing I do will change anything in the present.
I am sick of being alive, I am sick of always feeling left out, disrespected, alone, and without a sense of community or belonging. I am surrounded by closed minded people who live in echo chambers, and who never believe they do anything wrong. Everything seems to end up being ""my fault"", regardless of my involvement.
My lived experience has been like this for the past 15 years. I thought things would get better when I got older but nothing really did. I am still me, and I am not someone I am proud to be. I wish so much that I had had better company, guidance, support, and quality of mental state.
But it is too late to change anything",moderate
dev_pid_2142,"My mom just said she wished she never birthed me : This is so sad to me especially since today I gave her a gift and wished her happy women's day, everything was going great until later on I told her that I needed her advice on choosing a career. I'm fauling my university exams and I'm depressed and I just wanted her help. She just told me that she's tired of my problems and that I'm a failure. Then she told me her life would be better off if I was never born and regrets having me. Fuck I might kill myself afterall.",moderate
dev_pid_2143,"Does going to the doctors help? : I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts and actions and self harm for the past 2 years, and I’m considering going to the doctors to get help and possibly diagnosed, but I’m not sure if it would help? Id like to get better but I’m not sure if getting doctors and my parents involved would help",moderate
dev_pid_2144,"My Terrible Life story, im done (im not suicidal) : First off, its my first post ever on Reddit so sorry for the mistakes im going to do, also sorry for the title, i don't wanna annoy anyone but its just how i feel currently...  
And to anyone who has a soft hearth you should better stop reading, im going to talk about some more extreme stuff and idk, i just felt to warn.  
To be honest i am not even sure how to start...
Well im going to write now my story down, im typing this via Tor so i should be not in direct risk of a police investigation.
Im currently 17, going to school have an 2.0 and i just going to tell now my story, i still dont know how to start after thinking for 15mins.  
I got the information from my mother that when i was in the Kindergarden i had no emphatic abilitys, she told me that i walked over kids and so on, i also was in 3 Therapies for some years to gain some of these abilitys and to become atleast normal and dont be stupid, also im sure that i got there my interest for sience. I had Images from that time that ive builded as Example two towers connected by another and i also builded around that time out of lego complex stuff and i liked to help others, also the only other thing i remember was that ive had in a game 4 times a 6. Then i was going to an special school wich started with an 0th class (yep i know it sounds like bs but its not... actually its not lied but its bs) It was a smaller school wich i had an unbeliveable nice teacher, she even allowed us to ride once on her parents horses. Then our class had split up bec we were too less and a while after i was in the new class i switched to an normal school, i cant tell when exactly or why the school got closed some years later since it would give hints instandly to me. in the new school i was in a relation ship with a girl slided her pants down the list time we saw us, i know thesedays its thinking over sexualized but back in the time it was just doctorgames or something like that, also i tell it here since it will be relevant later on. In the new school i had 3 female friends, i often did hurt them at games like hidenseek but didnt understand that i did that, i was still lacking emphaty, they all remember me as an idiot, the teachers said i should think about my actions but i didnt know what thinking was. (also i should mention that it was like ive skipped a class since as example what we would do in the 3th class they do in the 2th, one more information is that i never learned the Abc or this other form of writing.)  
In that time i had doctorgames with another girl but without touching, the next day she talked about everyone about it)  
And while that time i watched sience shows for 2 years, in that time i had my first depression since i started to think and to understood that our lifes are useless, i was also scared of the power of nature. Im not sure if it was here that my mom had a shop in another country with my aunt. i drove like every weekend and holiday for 2 years  there, on the way i first time learned to controll what i see, in your words imanigation, from that point on i done it like extremly often. around that time when i was out i had my first friend outside of the school, we were often in the forest doing shit, with my belgium cousin we played minecraft on a virus flooded laptop from me and yea life was simple for me.  
ITS TIME TO LET THE SHIT GO DOWN
once a battle over money came up and we litterally fleed with an other cousin wich lived at my aunt out of the country, we did hide our car somewhere and he broke multible windows and raced in a 50 zone with 130 and lost after that they his license for a while, we escaped to our home country. then my mom opened her own buisness. meanwhile i came in the 5th grade and had fun batteling with 11th graders in sience and i also learned that my brain is slowly advancing stupidly fast, a teacher gave me a long mathematic x=... and he just gave me one precalculated one, i remember that i didnt know what ( etc means but after 30min watching it i learned to calculate such equaltion , also in my head i could controll my dreams, i builded up a futurist world where everything is fine and the technologys i created over time in my head are real machines wich are innovative.) i didnt make really friends at that time, it didnt bother me. in 6/7th grade i had a social teacher helping me since i saw her as a mother at that time my head started to let me see memories like a video, my brain adapted to an pc analysing like vision, my math grades exploded, also i kept rooms i was in in my head and on the floor when light was off i could overdraw what i see with red lines and also i could manipulate my own memories (wich fucked me since im not sure if anything i tell here isnt a fucking manipulation) in that time i was often in illegal streams too to watch anime, once i got interested and just pressed on a ad with flat boobs, i keep doing that until i came to a page with pornhub at start and a link going my entire screen, it was my first contact with cp. To this day im sure that some people from pornhub host in normal net childporn but just hide it extremly well. Also WTF can a little kid find cp but not some fucking paid police officers.... Then it interested me, i didnt get hard or something, it was just sheer the new wich dragged me to get tor and seach stuff up and i did find it and i watched it a whole year, i wanted to know why people do such things and so on, it just interested me their motives, i know its terrible and im preparing already for the negative karma flood but yea, (watched reddit videos). then i skipped a class again. in my new class my grades exploded in the prositiv and i met a girl, the girl teached me emotions over time, in winter also i had a relation started with a girl wich i played often and we videochatted alot, she was a year younger then me, you need to know that i was fat at that time and some people really though im old, even tho i wasnt even 15... her brother forced us to stop contact. after that i was down and really sad. at that spring my head started to hurt a bit always and slowly i my ability to remember stuff got bad, when i overjumped i knew wich cloth everyone had to any day, i could give exact dialogs some days after so on. at that time i stopped the relation with my best and first real friend i had since he emotionally abused me. my parents splitted also up a year before and my mom moved to another man and left me and my brother together at a home, i was the one who said yes but yea, i also saw all the abuse from my parents aganist each other... even the blood on the floor. but back in the time now i also slept like 2-4 hrs everyday... i also stopped really learning new things ( men while i type this down i stopped and started alot of shit lol) she also teached me how to talk normal and not just in complicated words, funny thing is i can now just talk so and not complicated. i also took an iq test wich revealed that im very close to autism, my brain structure is different and the test were made in 4 catergory's, in one i had 78 point and in the highest i had 138, the docs told me they never seen such an difference, the highest they even knew before was 24. wich is extrem already, over years my grades got worse, my meorie system is fucked now, i can remembler like almost nothing, i cant learn anymore, i had 2 breakdowns, i figured out that my family dont cares about me, my brother emotionally abuses me, i cant learn anymore and i feel degenerating. i lost my vision my dream world wich always protected me, i have now friends and emphaty but the question is what do i do now?  
Im stuck, i want out of this life, i wanna develope the technologys in my head but how when noone belives me, i could have a trauma from the forced end relation from the other shit or from the time where an another aunt used a hammer to attack us with the aunt before to get somehow money, i stopped to belive in god a long time ago, im just lost, i want my memories back my old abilitys, i wanna find a way how to get out of this shit, i know i missed alot of informations but does anyone know what i have to do, i tried to give an text about whats wrong with me but im just not fine anymore. please help me, im lost my memories are gone im degenerating my mental health getting abused my family doesnt care about me. What should i do...  
i know its terrible written, but i just lost the ability to write it better, but its getting every day worse, im at a point where i read text a then b then c and after c i know just c... (1/6th of a page). do i want attacktion, did i lost the hate though emotions i gained over time what is going on, im not even sure if my memories are real. please give me advice, to get some sort of attention i even was on a loli page and we are developing a game so people respect me... wtf is wrong with me",moderate
dev_pid_2145,"I am a terrible person : My father says I'm ""too hard on myself"". I hate myself, there are multiple things I regret in my life. I once called my friend's sister a \[Gay slur\]. I am scared that I am failing, I have a 3.2 GPA. I feel so much more inferior to my other peers. I have a 2.0 in Spanish, although I have aspirations to be a polyglot. The only good thing about me is I have a 3.7 in Science and English. I am afraid my only friend that I really like( I have 2 friends) will probably leave because he should hate me, but I don't know if he does hate me. Maybe he will stay since he's always smiling at me( suggests an attempt to be nice to me?).",moderate
dev_pid_2146,"I keep saying this to myself and I'm worried. : I can't stop saying to myself, ""I'll kill myself. I just don't know when or how yet"".  
I feel like this is just getting worse and I'm daily caving into all this shit after fighting it for 10+ years.",moderate
dev_pid_2147,"eternally screaming into the void : i am so done, i don’t want recovery it’s not possible for me, i hate everything myself more than that. everyone tells me life isn’t fair they’re right death is though and i really truly just want to sleep forever.",moderate
dev_pid_2148,"I went to get help...again : I finally got an appointment with a doctor and nurses. They were the nicest ones I've met so far. They took me seriously and were active in finding appropriate help for me. The doctor told me nice things to calm me down, she gave me a prescription for new medication, made sure I could afford it, sent requests to see a therapist and a psychiatrist closeby and gave me another appointment in 3 weeks. 
It's far from what I got last year. I'm glad I went to this new place. I'm completely drained from this and still feel worthless, but now I know someone reliable has my back and takes my mental health seriously.",moderate
dev_pid_2149,"How can you just trust someone? : I really wonder how that works. I trust them but as soon as they leave, I'm like ""shit why did I say that"".
These past few days I just saw (again) how wrong people are and yet again can't trust anyone. 
All they do is, while telling you something, trying to push you to tell something back so they know something about your family.
 And I just don't understand anymore, all I can see is people laughing with someone and turning around to roll their eyes. So why shouldn't they do that to you too? 
Its the same thing with texting, i can't do it. It feels so fake, every emoji they use and the things they say.
So please tell me, how do you do it? 
How can you trust someone?
Or do I just have the luck and don't know genuine people? 
I don't know if this is really the right place to post this but I know that I'm tired about living like this.",moderate
dev_pid_2150,"I'm falling back into depression and I don't know what to do : So I'm in my early 20s, I'm cis female and I'm lesbian. I have severe anxiety but I'm a musician so I interact with a lot of different people. I always try to be nice to people and move on with my life. I'm a private person so I don't ask too much about others and expect the same in return. So basically this dude DMs me and says he likes my music, I thank him for the support and send him an unreleased track (which isn't abnormal for me, I send my music to anyone who will listen). So one day I do a QnA and he asks me, ""How does p!ssy taste?"" This shakes me up kinda because even though I don't hide my sexuality, I keep it to myself and don't go into detail. I tell him to never ask me something like that again and says he understands, I brush it off as a one time occurrence. I decide to start to dry text more than I usually do, avoid, and distance. One day he DMs me again, and is like, ""check my story."" I tell him that there's no way I'm doing that without knowing whats on the story. He tells me he plans on dropping his ex girlfriend's nudes but tells me whats on his story is just a fight, I shut him down immediately and tell him what he wants to do is illegal. I don't click the story and I move on. The last occurrence was after he sent me a meme. I sent him a 100 emoji hoping to end the conversation naturally then out of no where he's like, ""This girl tried to send me titty pics but got mad when I said I didn't care"" Again, I shut him down and was like, ""I don't want to talk about this and I'm not the person to speak to on this."" He says he understands and is like, ""I respect that, I'm just really young so I don't understand things like that."" that freaks me out, like this dude knew I don't discuss sexual things. I just tell him, ""everyone has boundaries"". He described me as ""family-friendly"" to my face. I don't know anything about this person, he did mention something about being three in 2010 when Nicki Minaj was famous but I have no way of verifying that.
So that brings me to recent events, I end up telling him to stop contacting me (I made a public post about leaving me alone that was partially at him and to set firm boundaries) . Out of morbid curiosity I go onto his twitter. I see an Omegle chat where he claims to be 18 but who really knows, I scroll down and I see that he's tweeted out pornhub videos (which is something I don't see very often). I go onto his likes and at first it's just some sports stuff. I decide to scroll down some more and it goes from ""porn out of context"" clips to hentai, some weird hentai too like girl being roughly screwed by humanoid pig creature porn. That's when it clicks why he didn't respect my boundaries, it puts everything else into context as well. So that brings me to where I am right now. I feel conflicted. I feel like this is my fault because I didn't research who this person fully was, granted I shut down certain topics if I felt like they were going in a direction I didn't like. I handled it the best I could. I blocked him shortly after. I feel stupid and weak because I didn't stand up for myself but I just assumed it was going to end up being a one time event and the first time was a simple misunderstanding. I minimized, I'll be real. I know I sound stupid but I feel like a slipped up and let a boundary of mine be disrespected, I had just been trying to not go off on people and be civil but it didn't work. It makes me feel sick but at the same time guilty. My anxiety is telling me I did something illegal unintentionally. I feel somewhat violated by this whole experience but I feel shame because I'm not sure how I should react. I feel weak because I should have stood up for myself.",moderate
dev_pid_2151,"Drunk friend told me I was attention seeking. : Rant:
(I know people probably won't read, and that's fine, I just need to get it out) 
Last night I was at a party, celebrating my birthday. We were just vibing for hours. Then suddenly my ""friend"" stands up talking about how he ""knows"" everything, since he is older than the rest of us.
Then saying something like ""if you say you're depressed or want to kill yourself, you're just antention seeking. If you actually wanted to kill yourself, you would just do it. No offence [my name]"" and uses sources like ""I've suffered from depression and anxiety since I was 13, and tried to kill myself 4 times""
He never say things like this sober, but I know he thinks it. And I just wish he understood that when I joke about depression or suicide it's either because I try to cope with it. Or I have a good day, so I try to reach out and get help to get away from the very bad days. Not because I want to be ""the depressed dude"". I don't want to depressed or known as a depressed person. 
I mean maybe I'm attention seeking, if attention is not getting ignored for days...
If you have read everything, thank you <3",moderate
dev_pid_2152,"I feel left out... because of work. : I want to have fun and do things and go out and get dinner and play d&d. But I work all week most days and I can’t afford not to... it makes me sad because I’m tired after work and my boyfriends tired and has school work so during the week we don’t do much together sometimes we will play games but mostly on the weekends. I just want to feel like I’m a part of something. My boyfriend is going to play dnd every Thursday while I’m at work and it makes me upset, because I have to be at work while he’s having fun playing without me. And our other campaign we play isn’t fun and we don’t get to really do things together during the campaign because of favoritism... idk I feel like I’m becoming depressed like a veil is drifting over me...",moderate
dev_pid_2153,"Feeling lost : What do you do when you don’t view the closest person in your life the same anymore? 
How does it feel to feel used? To feel like you were just a filler? I was very close to my friend, perhaps too close for just a friendship, but too distant to be labeled a relationship. We both got drunk one night. We got in a physical altercation. He hurt me but hurt him more. I ran off. I didn’t know how to respond. I tried to push him away, but I couldn’t. We gravitated back, but we weren’t the same. We couldn’t be. Now, all I have is this void. I know this is only temporary. Everything is only temporary. It still hurts though. Where do I go next? How do I move on? Nothing feels like I’m making the right choice. I am not suicidal, I’m just very hurt. I know, in the end, I will be fine. I just need to feel like I’m okay right now. Sorry if this is too vague, but It’s just so hard to express myself.",moderate
dev_pid_2154,"I can no longer look at /r/wholesomememes. .. : I have accepted I will not meet anyone or ever have another relationship, my depression and anxiety has improved so much however, from life has shown me... I've just needed to accept I won't find anyone and will not have a husband or family.
I understand life isn't all about having a family or getting married but it felt like huge thing for me and realising that I will never be good enough, attractive enough, funny, smart, you-name-it enough for anyone... Its soul destroying but I'm focusing on my hobbies, my job and building myself an independent life
Part of my self improvement, I'd go on wholesome memes when I felt down... And now, I just can't face it
Nearly every one is about how loved people are, how beautiful people are etc and it just isn't my life.
I'll miss you wholesome memes",moderate
dev_pid_2155,"I only talk to a few people about my depression and suicidal thoughts and it was one of the biggest mistakes in my life : I was drunk and super suicidal one night because I fought with a few friends and was feeling super guilty about it
Tried to down all my pain killers, drunkenly message them and people I thought I could trust saying shits like “I really hate myself and if I do die it’s not your fault etc” . They started screenshooting and sending it to another person(who is not super close friends with but we had a small argue before) , and the person spread (not pictures but just talked about it) saying that I was doing it for attention and I was faking my suicide attempts, saying that I was fake drunk because I typed weird when I was talking to my friends. And then they started to spread around about how I was faking all my “suicide attempts” and no one even reach out to me, no one asked for what happened, everyone just agreed with that person without asking me. 
I thought I could trust them man, I really did. I thought that if something happen to them I would donate my kidney or take a bullet for them in a heart beat. 
I don’t get it man, I don’t get how you can do that to a person. How you can say I am being suicidal for attention. That person even said that they have depression but then turned to me and said that I’m acting like a victim.
No one in the group asked me what was going on or even tried to act like they cared.
I even apologized for my suicidal rant in the group chat but I ended up getting ignored/left on read. And they said that I don’t put in the effort to try to talk to them. 
They even 
Months later... 
I tried to stop being friends with them but I wanted my favorite srunchie I left in P’s car. I asked for it back, they screenshot it and send it to the group chat and started to make fun of me.",moderate
dev_pid_2156,"Seriously contemplating suicide : Ive had sever anxiety, and depression for the past 6 or so years, and this just pushed me over the edge. I moved back into my moms house about a year ago. Since then her cat has fallen I'll, so I've been paying the the cats vet Bill's. Shes going to end up needing a surgery that will cost 2k in a town 5 hours away. My moms house needs around 10k of repairs done or else we are risking out health living in mold. I dont give 2 shits about my health but I want my mom, and her pest to be healthy. She cant afford any of this so I'm obligated to pay for all of it. I personally saved 7k, and I have about 17k in my trust fund, and another 60k in a little while because my brother will be buying out my half of the house. I would just use that money to pay for repairs, and such, but my dad, and mom dont get along, so my dad would be livid if I used my trust fund on my mother's house. I know my grand parents wouldnt be happy iether. I know I'm probably being a little bitch, but I just needed to vent about this.",moderate
dev_pid_2157,"Coming to terms with being depressed : Coming to terms with depression may not be the best way to describe it. What I do know is I’m finally starting to write this in the shower because I’ve been putting it off for days. Maybe the warm water is giving me comfort and enabling it, can’t be to sure. All I know is I’ve spent the last week in bed dreading 9 PM because I just didn’t want to go to work. Didn’t want to have to “fake it until you make it” again. And it’s an oddly normal thing for me. A vicious circle with no end in sight. I don’t feel suicidal right now. I’m thinking about being dead, but the guilt of leaving my family behind is preventing it. It’s crazy how a family can change how you live and your general outlook on life.
       Anyway, my thoughts are all over the place and it’s difficult to even stay on one subject for me nowadays. What I’m saying is, I’m depressed and that’s okay. What’s not okay is me not doing anything about it. But it’s just not that easy, I tell myself and everyone I give advice too that it is. And show the resources available but I just can’t shake it. It doesn’t go away ever, ever since I was a just a young lad. Even when I first started talking to my now wonderful girlfriend back in freshman year of high school. Even last week when I was laughing at a “dad joke” a co-worker made. It’s such a scary thing to accept I might succumb to it. Like how cancer takes people everyday, so does depression. But I just can’t get help. I know how, and could find a way to afford it. Just can’t, don’t know why I’m making this post. Maybe to find like minded people, maybe to find the help. Maybe to feel better for saying even just a bit for a few minutes. Maybe because I won’t wake up when I finally doze off. I just don’t know anymore. 
       Your friend
Me",moderate
dev_pid_2158,"I am at the deep : I just don’t want to see a face, any face not even mine. I don’t talk to my friends, when they try to tell me something, I just answer them short, because I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to talk to them. They were once my best friends, now I hate them. I hate everyone. My mother lives far away because of her job. I haven’t called her in months and haven’t answered her calls. I am down to 49 kilos. I never have breakfast. I don’t eat lunch at school, sometimes I don’t even eat dinner. I don’t study or do homework. My grades are going just above the passing grade. I ask myself why, why do I hate everyone and everything, why do I hate my friends who tries to talk to me, why do I hate my parents who always supported me and never stopped loving me. Why do I hate my brother who always helped with every problem I hade. just why.",moderate
dev_pid_2159,"oh my god i need help : i’m so fucking lonely and that’s bad enough but i’m so humiliated at how lonely i’ve become that it makes it that much worse
i literally don’t know what to do anymore i have nothing to do but lay in bed and think about how much fun everyone is having",moderate
dev_pid_2160,"I feel like I’m decaying : I’m not sure if this is necessary, but most of the wording I feel sounds similar to an ED, so I guess I just wanted to put that as a disclaimer in case that could be a trigger to anyone. 
My brain used to be the only thing I worried about, but now my weight has dropped a significant amount (due to never having an appetite anymore) and it’s scaring me more than ever because something I used to brush off as me “faking it” is now seen physically, making me more aware of the state I’m in. 
I’ve put off getting help since I was 15. Now I’m 22, and I feel like all my emotional problems follow me to the mirror. Or when I’m having a good day, a friend will make a comment or a joke about my weight, and I know it comes from a place of concern (as I have also been told) but it’s just a slap in the face reminder that I’m not okay and I still need help. 
I feel like now my friends are watching me crumble because my outside now matches the inside, and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like the worry or pity. I know I have to seek help, yet I can’t stop putting it off because I’m just too afraid. 
I’m basically watching myself get worse and worse but not doing anything about it. It’s frightening because part of me doesn’t even care. I panic because I hate looking so small. But sometimes when I know I should eat more to start to actually get myself back on track, I wonder “why bother?” On my lowest days it’s almost like I want to watch myself decay as some form of punishment. (Which sounds terrible and I feel gross and embarrassed even writing that.) 
I’m hoping more than anything that I can find the motivation to finally talk to a professional tomorrow.",moderate
dev_pid_2161,"My relationship is collapsing. : And I can only cry about it because it’s all going down because of my depression. 
When we started dating, my partner said we would work on this together. I’ve been there during all the tough times for my partner and I helped and stood strong for us. 
But when the time came for my partner to do so for me... Apparently it’s too hard. So here I am, drowning, realizing that I will lose everything we built for the past two years because my depression is too much to handdle. 
I know it’s over and there is no turning back. I just can’t accept it. 
No one loves you when you’re depressed. Not even the other people with depression too.",moderate
dev_pid_2162,"It (rarely) gets better (without help) : Today I woke up, and my fist though wasn't suicide or self harm. I am still getting used to that. I have been through countless prescriptions, alternatives and therapists, and it never made a difference, I was born broken. Tagged with major depression at age 6, on a watch list for over 25 years after that and since 3 weeks ago I finally feel free.
Who knew a handful of pill could do that to me? I have never been without depression, and I feel stable. I am still me, dark jokes, preparing for the worst, a little slutty, witty, boisterously obnoxious laugh, cat crazy, kind and prone to walls of text.
Side effects? Totally manageable, nothing major.
I went through over 20 different prescriptions and wrote everything in my notepad, but sadly my notes would benefit no one but me, as my brain is unique, and so is yours. Keep writing and talking to those who are supposed to help. Change doctors if you feel they aren't doing their jobs, hell, I went through 3 psychiatrists until my latest found out I suffer from paradoxical reactions to certain neurotransmitters, and the only test for that was to feed me a bunch of pills and then ask for my notes on them.
He got the right prescription, and I am finally me. Applied for a job last night, about to take a shower today, out of my own volition. I am not perfect yet. Still anxious, scared and stuff but for the first time in my life, hopeful.
I will not be telling anyone what my prescription is because it probably won't work for you as it did for me. But there is hope. I am fucking crying while writing this, please don't give up. If you can't do it any more, I can't tell you to hold on and keep going, but I can tell you that medicine keep advancing, and that they found something for me.
It will most likely get better with the right help, therapy and pills. I am finally on the other side, and it feels fantastic. Please join me, and live.",moderate
dev_pid_2163,"People say they want to listen but never really do : Nobody really listens when I try to say what’s going on. And even when someone says that they do want to listen they just brush off everything that I say. Sharing what I’m going through and what I’m feeling is hard enough but when that happens then I don’t want share anymore even after their further prompting. It hurts. It forces me to bury what I feel deep inside. 
People say they listen but they don’t. They ask for me to reword it when I’m saying exactly what I’m feeling. They tell me that what I’m feeling isn’t really what I said but how do they know? How can you tell me what I’m feeling if you’re you and I’m me? That’s not how it works. It just makes me feel more like an alien and a freak.",moderate
dev_pid_2164,"My path in life is a dead end. : (It turned into a rant and sorry for bad grammar)
My (m27) life feels empty and it feels like my life have stopped and I don’t know where to go from here.
Like I don’t even know if I have a right to complain seeing the struggles of other people on here. I haven’t really accomplished very much in life but I a steady job a car and recently gotten a house but it all just feels.. useless.
Since I was a little kid I dreamed of the day I would grow up and be in a relationship with someone. When I was 16-18 pretty much all of my friend either had been is or was in a relationship but i was the nerdy friend so I felt left behind.
When I was 19 I had my first relationship and that was just a disaster, nothing I did was good enough, her family pretty much hated me (her mother even tried to set her up with someone else). While I might not be the greatest person in the world I don’t think iam that bad. 
Then like a year or so after I broke up with her I got into a relationship with another girl that was pretty much a prefect. It was great, we pretty much never had any fights and life was just really good even though we were just living in a small 1 room apartment and I would trade everything I have now to go back to that. If it is too good to be true it usually is. After she told me she had been messing with another guy at a party I just shut down, I didn’t react in anger or anything but was just speechless. 
I tried to keep the relationship going but couldn’t shake that off. After I broke up with her I pretty much stopped going out and got my current job and haven’t really done anything except working and playing video games. I bought a van so I could turn it in to a party bus so maybe I would want to go out partying but nope, just moved into a house when I ask myself for a reason why I got the house it just boils down to me wanting to be attractive to girls.
Me having a house, a car, a good job won’t help me getting a relationship since it’s my personality that’s holding me back. Iam not a good looking guy and don’t have the personality to back that up, I have tried online dating but have only gotten one match and that didn’t work out at all. 
If we look at life like waking along a path then I have turned up to a dead end with nowhere to go.
Thanks for reading and have a good day/night.",moderate
dev_pid_2165,"Too many false promises : My cousin Ryan is a super cool guy who's helped me before right and he came over today saying that we're going to the mall, I was super excited about that especially since a week ago my mom said we were gonna go to a super big mall right? But then we didn't because blablabla I felt terrible and then she said that maybe we can go tomorrow but then we never went. So yea when my cousin said we were going to the mall I was really happy because I have little happiness in life rn. And a couple of weeks before we were gonna go to the bowling alley and spend the night at his place and stay up and play videogames but I wanted to clean my PS4 and there were wet wipes down stairs but my family was sick at the time with a 24 hour bug I guess but nooo I just had to have my PlayStation clean. So I ended up getting sick and it didn't go over too well. Ryan also said ages ago that we'd go to a big real arcade because we have this local arcade which doesn't have much but it's still fun. But I told him I don't think it was gonna happen because nothing good ever happens to me. nothing ever gets don't because I have such a shitty family. Well I'm paraphrasing but you get the idea. So he said OH WE'RE GOING and for a moment I believed him but it never happened. I wish I just had somebody to take me away from all this but I know that will never happen because I'm alone in all this.",moderate
dev_pid_2166,"my body is killing me : i hate the way my body looks. sometimes i love it, but i mostly hate it. i have nice boobs but i’ve been told my nipples are “too big” which i’ve never thought about- but now i’m insecure about that. i have subtle hips with slight hip dips. i have a chubby-ish stomach but i usually suck it all in so i look extremely thin. my ass isn’t flat but it isn’t big, and that’s my biggest insecurity. i know my boyfriend likes curvy women with big asses. i wish i could be that for him. he tells me i look beautiful but i know im not enough. how can i change myself quick ? i’ve tried working out but nothing works. i can’t even stand looking at my body sometimes.",moderate
dev_pid_2167,"I feel like there's truly no way out : I've been depressed and lonely for years, and I just can't seem to climb upwards. I gained 1 friend a year ago, but for about 6-7 months now he's really not been giving a shit about me. My life is really stressful and I have really bad sleeping problems. I'm unmotivated, I don't feel good even if I accomplish something I just feel the very same empty feeling. Other's just make fun of me. I've been just spending all my time playing video games, but even games got boring alone. And when playing with others, I still feel very lonely. I'm not sure of anything at this point. I used to just write poems and help others. I don't write poems anymore, but I still help others even though I'm not so good of a person anymore. I always blame myself for everything since there's no one else to be blamed. Afterall, I'm alone. I don't know. I just don't feel like I can ever feel genuinely happy. I've really only been getting worse. I miss the person who I once was, and even though I know I should work on my current self, I just don't know. I don't have a goal that can be done. I just feel like nothing.",moderate
dev_pid_2168,"i wanna die : im literally on the verge of kill myself, not only did my “first love” waste my time for MONTHS just to cheat on me & break my heart but i also have no fucking friends or family or anything i can turn to for help or support & im so fucking tired of being hurt & alone constantly. literally EVERYONE i love disappears out of my life like i never meant shit to them and I’m so tired of not being enough for anyone.",moderate
dev_pid_2169,"Im thankful for my depression : It sounds weird but im glad i suffer from it. I would obviously be so much better off if i had not have had to deal with it but it has given me a different outlet on life and shaped me into the person i am.
Sometimes i wish i never had to have suffered from it (well most of the time) but often i realise how different i would be otherwise and how much good it has done to my personality anf how i view the world.
Theres no point to this post. Depression sucks, im just trying to see any good it brings.",moderate
dev_pid_2170,"I wonder what it’s like to be happy : I don’t think I’ve actually been happy in years.  I feel guilty 24/7. I’m almost 22 and i feel the worst I ever have. I have been holding in the pain since day 1, refusing to talk to anyone. But I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to push people away like I always have. I’m just feel ashamed that I have suicidal thoughts. I feel like a failure and everyone is out to get me. Even my gf who is amazing, with her in my life the depression has still gotten worse. I will talk to my doctor this week because it’s my last option before I put myself out of the misery.",moderate
dev_pid_2171,"Getting my college kids to take their meds : My child is depressed, has anxiety, & may have other issues. I can't seem to get through to her that she needs to stay on her medication & birth control. I am also struggling to find someone  who will provide talk therapy & meds. Would that be a psychiatrist &/or Psychiatric nurse? Anyone struggling with this?",moderate
dev_pid_2172,Why do i have to exist? : I didnt ask to be here in this shitty world tired of waking up always depressed and  full of anxiety i just wish  i could die and move on from this shit place,moderate
dev_pid_2173,"Everybody is slowly abandoning me : Every morning, I wake up and look in the mirror and feel ashamed of who I am. of what is happening to me lately. of how I look. of how everybody is keeping their distant and clearly abandoned me. of how I lost motivation to live. 
I always feel like I’m a fucking loser. like i can never live up to my own expectation. like everyone just look at me and be like fuck that girl is messed up i don’t want to be associated with “that”. 
like i’d better off dead.
Sometimes I want to die just to get revenge. Like I want people to know because you never care that I die. Like I want you to live with that for the rest of your fucking life. 
but then, I can’t. I can’t let people suffer because of me. because I’m nothing. or I’m not sure anybody will mourn my death
because the world will be fucking normal tomorrow if I die today",moderate
dev_pid_2174,"Mental : I feel so disconnected to this world. I’m despising every aspect of it as the days go on. Even hearing familiar sounds around my house feel me with rage. I feel so crushed by my suicidal ideation. I’m truly alone in this world when it comes to true connection. My mind has been filled with dark scenarios. I can’t really put into words how destroyed I am. The people around me can’t help. My appearance has been something that has been putting me down more than usual these past weeks. I look and see so many men who are better or have someone who loves them. I truly hate who I am. My family probably thinks I’m so pathetic. Most days, I just want to cut. I just want to feel peace or happiness. Every day is the same cycle of pain and disappointment. I wish I was not disabled as a kid and grew up in a household with a two healthy parents who were available mentally as people to emulate. I know everything happens for a reason by but why do I have to suffer?",moderate
dev_pid_2175,"Please help me. Any advice. : Throw away - for obvious reasons. 
—————————————————
I haven’t eaten or slept in days. My head is so foggy no matter how much caffeine I drink. 
My grades are slipping. And I’m so so scared that they’ll take away my university admissions. Then I’ll really have nothing. No chance at succeeding. 
I have an essay due in three days. 1000 words. Haven’t even started it. Not one word. Not even a letter. 
I have no motivation to start it. And every time I try and force myself, my brain is to numb to even function. I can’t think of anything. 
But I can’t afford to take the zero. 
I have no friends. My family resents me for my mental health. My mom says I’m the reason her and my stepdad are getting a divorce. The trauma from my abusive dad keeps me up at night. 
My mental and physical health are in shambles. I can’t do anything anymore. Not even the things I love to do. And that’s so fucking painful. I’ve tried every medication in the book, none of it fucking helps. 
Please help me. I need to get my life back on track. I want to live, but no longer have the strength to. I see everything passing me by and I hate myself more and more as time goes on. 
The only thing I had to look forward to was my future but I see it literally slipping through my fingers and all I can do is stare dumbly as it passes by. 
What do I do??  How do I make this stop??",moderate
dev_pid_2176,"No one's coming to save me : Every time someone talks about depression, the answer is always the same. ""Talk to someone"", ""Reach out to people"". They act like it's some magical solution, like all you have to do is ask for help and some mythical, saint-like person will answer your calls and rescue you and sort your life out for you and fucking love you and make it all ok. Well that's a nice fucking thought, if you have people like that in your life, but not for me. No one's coming to save me. Theres no knight in this fairytale. If I want to get better, I have to do it by myself. I'm the only person I can ever rely on, but it's so fucking hard to get a good ending when the hero doesn't give a shit either way.",moderate
dev_pid_2177,"I refuse to be attached. : I just got a dog in hopes that she'd help me with my depression. Even though I've only had her for a day and a half, it did the polar opposite. It made me realize I'm too much of fucked up cunt to even take care of her. If I can't take care of myself how can I take care of a dog? It made me realize how truly depressed I am as I slowly watched her become depressed in a matter of a day from this shitty small spaced apartment I live in. Her separation anxiety didn't help me either considering she was stupidly aggressive towards me if I even tried to leave. I balled my eyes out realizing how REALLY fucked I am in the head for about an hour straight now. I couldn't help but breakdown as soon as I gave her back and got back inside. I'm tired of being attached to anything in general. Everytime I try with someone or something I only become more empty as I tend to get used a lot and I trust too easily. Sorry if I'm ranting, I'm just drowning in my tears and I really needed somewhere to dump this.",moderate
dev_pid_2178,"No one truly cares : I'm 23 and I have no real friends. The few friends I did have rarely ever talk to me anymore as they've found more fun people to hang around with. I've been told that I'm depressing to be around, so I guess it was only a matter of time before the people I knew just stopped caring about me. They hardly answer my texts or calls, and even if they do it's clear they couldn't give a rats ass what's going on in my life. I just wanted someone to listen to me as I've always been there for them but I guess that's too much to ask. 
My entire life I've felt like a tool. Every relationship I've had ends the same way romantic or otherwise. They use me and then toss me aside once they find someone else more exciting or attractive to be around. It doesn't matter that I'm there for them 100% 24/7. None of them really ever cared. The only reason why I haven't done the deed is because my mom said if I ever did she'd do it too because she couldn't live without me. 
Everyday is a struggle to get up and I feel like I'm just wasting everyones time. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't help but feel it's all my fault. I just wish someone would stick by me as I've stuck by others. It feels like I'm drowning and everyone I know is just staring at me but pretending like they don't see it. I guess I'm just not important enough to care about.",moderate
dev_pid_2179,"Help please I'm desperate : This might be long but here we go.im losing the will to live I've been thinking about suicide I have dpdr,brain fog,a mental illness I don't know anymore on October 2019 I did one session of full body scan meditation  and after I got up my sense of reality changed my body was numb not like pins and needles but numb I couldn't feel pain but I went to sleep right after and I woke up and my depth perception changed my vision changed like putting on a new pair of glasses and my senses and body and vision haven't been the same since everything feels fake it feels like a dream I can't wake up from I'm trapped im a lucid dream I try to think myself out but I can't.when I was little I was destructive there's a hole in the wall and I hurt my mom.life was like this for a while but I've always been addicted to video games then one day I woke up and I had this weird minshift like putting on glasses again  (btw this was like 2 years before the events of October 2019) so then I tried meditation body scan because I felt fake again like reality is a simulation buy ever since that meditation my fears became true. So after I did the body scan an had these events happen I think back on life on how I hurt people destroyed thing and I think I'm a horrible person I have ocd and anxiety and honesty I don't know  how long I can deal with this depersonalized state. So did I do meditation wrong to make my life a personal hell? Or is this a case of depersonalization? Or what if I was depersonalized before but now that meditation awakened me to see how precious life truly is 
Ok I'm sorry this was long but I'm seeking help and answers I can't live with this depression and depersonalized state",moderate
dev_pid_2180,"Depressed college people out there? : How do you keep it together? I’ve failed some classes because of my depression as I end up procrastinating by smoking weed and playing video games. When I sit down to study, it’s hard not to get sad and depressed. 
I have finals in a week, I really need to study and yet I’m making myself make shittier :(",moderate
dev_pid_2181,"I want to sleep and never wake up again : I'm depressed, if I knew the reason I wouldn't try and fix it, be sure I know I would fail. I keep thinking about it. I want things to change back the way they were when I was 8. I wasted so much time doing things I wasn't responsible of doing. Now I'm a failure. I can't pick up the phone and call the people the I care about, because I don't have something nice to share, no news, bad news. Just saying.",moderate
dev_pid_2182,"Holy Sh*t! Two years self harm free! Woot Woot! : I was just scrolling through Reddit when I stumbled upon a post where someone shared they were one month self harm free. It made me think of the last time I hurt myself. Then I realized it has been almost two-ish years. Honestly it feels like it was just yesterday, but also like a lifetime ago. I remember lighting cigarettes not for the purpose of smoking, but to burn myself and to feel my flesh burn. To all those who are in the process of healing or are self harming. Just know that you can do it, you can change, but know it won't be easy, but it will be worth it!",moderate
dev_pid_2183,"Animal Neglect Due To Bad Mental Health : For background, I’m 15 years old and have a bit of minor emotional trauma on top of depression, anxiety and gender dysphoria (ftm).
     Since October, I’ve noticed a decline in my mental health. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s winter or school is getting harder but my motivation has seriously decreased and my workload has increased. I have 3 pets (a ball python, an axolotl, and a kitten) and I feel very guilty about this but I have been neglecting them. I’ll go days even weeks without cleaning my cat’s litter or forget to feed my snake or clean my axolotl tank. 
     I just wanted to know if anyone else struggles with this or if anyone has any tips or reassurance that I’m not an awful human being. I really, really love these animals (and all animals for that matter) and have wanted to be a vet for as long as can remember and I feel awful about this. I have made minor steps towards improvement by setting alarms or having my dad remind me but it’s still hard sometimes. Thanks for understanding and responding. 
TL;DR- I have been neglecting to care for my animals because of lack of motivation due to depression.",moderate
dev_pid_2184,No one knows whats in your head : Once again i'm feeling depressed and suicidal. I live with my family and they don't even know this... they don't even know what goes on inside my mind all these crazy thoughts. They ask if i'm okay and I lie and smile saying i'm completely fine.,moderate
dev_pid_2185,"It hurts so much.. so so much : I have no one to talk to. The people I talk to, I'm not hearing the words that I'm wanting to hear. I have this hurt inside of me that is just slowly eating away  whatever is left inside of me. I'm in so much pain and I just want it to stop and end. I would have days where I'll be okay for a few hours but then will immediately feel like complete crap. People would ask how I am and I would say I'm fine when in reality I'm at the very tipping point and I have no idea what to do. I fear going to get some professional help because I dont want anyone to know that I'm suffering from this depression. 
I've always suffered from depression but these past few months have been a totally terrible case of it. It may have to do with going through a divorce and working at this place that made me miserable (I left that place). I put on this fake mask and fake being happy in front of friends and family but that's just killing me even more. I just want this to stop...",moderate
dev_pid_2186,"I'm a terrible person, and I cant live with myself anymore. : It use to be easy. All I had to do is act like a good person, and now that's what I'm known for amongst my friends, and family. I dont think I can live anymorr knowing what I've done. You probably wouldnt believe me, if I told you, because they're just so horrific. I deserve to be in prison for life. Theres really no coming back from what I've done. I can always put on a happy show but I know deep down, I'm a worthles, evil, piece of shit, and deserve to be tortured for what I've done to other people. I'm goin to leave a note behind, with a list if the things I've done. I'm sorry about the monster I am mom, and dad.",moderate
dev_pid_2187,"I can’t do this anymore (please read) : I am a teen and I want to be able to live because I’m only a teen once but instead I’ve been depressed in bed for 5 months lost all my friends and lost myself. I can’t seem to even fathom a happy me or getting out of this. This guy I like isn’t making things better I think about a happy me and a life where I’m with him and it makes me feel more helpless and alone because I know he wouldn’t ever feel the same. I’m done trying it doesn’t work. I wanna be able to dress confidently without anxiety to have real genuine friends who don’t leave u in rough times. I wanna drive in a car with the windows down and just scream. I wanna fall in love I want to be a mom I want to be the me that I was before I was shattered by this mental disease that is killing me. But that what’s sad I don’t think I’m strong enough to do this or to have a future. I am so broken that I loose the excitement for one. My brother asked me are you excited to grow up? And I really don’t think I even want to anymore...
I seem fine if u saw me in person I would be fine but the thing is I’m not I am really not I even trick myself to thinking I’m ok and then the smallest things happen and break that “thin wall of okness” Then I realize I’m not ok at all  because under the thin wall is all of my pain. 
I see my sister driving and happy and I’m about to learn to drive but I’m not excited and I can’t leave the house to even do that. That thing the little me would be so excited to do is no longer a good thing.
 My birthday is coming up and everyone wants to “do something fun” but I just want to stay in my room in a bundle of blankets. I have a lot of suicidal thoughts surrounding my birthday. 
I need help if u can give me advice please  do!!",moderate
dev_pid_2188,"Idk what to name this : I hate myself, I'm trans, my parents aren't supporting me (I'm embarrassment to them), I don't feel like I deserve help, I don't enjoy anything but music, reddit, I'm on Escitalopram 10MG, I have light OCD to specific things, I don't have future, my parents told me when I'm 18 to move out if I'm gonna transition, they're doing conversion therapy to me, my parents are paying psychiatrists to tell be being trans is bad, I live in Europe and my country is top 10 for worst in terms of LGBT, my parents are transphobic, my parents told me the internet ruined me, my parents tell me I'm spoiled and I have everything, I can't move out, I can't study.... I'm extremely sad and I'm thinking of bad stuff and ways to cause harm to myself. I hate my parents, I hate my body.. I'm piece of shit. Garbage. I hate to breathe the same air as some people. I'm losing this battle and idk how longer I can stay. Nobody understands me. Nobody tries to help me. Even my parents don't like me.",moderate
dev_pid_2189,"Everyone thinks I’m fine but I’m not : Everyone thinks I’m fine but I’m not
I just feel so out of place that it’s starting to hurt. It’s so hard trying to pretend I’m okay but I’m really not. I need help but I also don’t want to ask for help. The pain is sooo unbearable I just want it to end. I just want to be happy but I’m reminded of reasons not to be. I feel so alone and there’s no one to talk to. All I wanted was to have friends, good friends that will lift me up and be there when I need help. For us guys it’s so hard cos society tells you to “man up” cos men don’t have emotions. Truth is I feel weak sometimes and it’s hard showing it. I put on a tough face but deep down I just want to scream. Keeping all this pain in is soo hard that sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating",moderate
dev_pid_2190,"I'm getting back in a rut : I thought I was going to be okay for a minute there, first semester ended, I have an easy semester with teachers I like, don't have any friends in classes but I'm also in classes the year above me cause i got ahead so that's something to be happy about still. And I was kinda normal feeling for a bit, after years upon of years of feeling like shit. I would say I felt decent for about 2 weeks. But here I am again; the relief wore off and I still hurt myself, I still struggle to get out of bed, and I would rather just be forgotten and fade out of existence. People say it gets better but it doesn't, you just get tricked into thinking things are turning around then life hits you like a brick and your true feelings come rushing back.",moderate
dev_pid_2191,"I can't continue : I am in high school and I know I am going to fail this school year and I already accepted that fact, but I can do anything anymore, I can't go to school without hurting myself or skipping class, I don't see a reason to live to stand up of my bed, to eat. I really want to die but I am not capable of  killing myself but I am tired of living.",moderate
dev_pid_2192,"I Constantly Dream of How Life Used to Be : I've just turned 20 and am in my 2nd year studying Games Design at Uni, it's going okay but I feel there are constantly people who are much better than me around me so what are my chances of making it right? Life just seems like it has nothing left to give, that I've seen as much as I'm ever really going to get to. If I want to see or do the great things you see other people do then you need to make and make it and make money but I'm never going to get to that point. I'm constantly thinking about how life was when I was back in secondary school and when I was younger: Having more friends, having such excitement for the world and what I'll get to see and experience, being able to just have fun, having a functioning family and so many other things. Everyone always said to wait until you get out into the real world, where you can do what you want and experience whatever you want....welp, here I am and it's shit. It's fucking grey, it's fucking dull and it's boring. My eyes don't show a lot of happiness anymore. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm suicidal in the literal sense, I haven't really thought about killing myself but I have a lot of suicidal ideation I guess? When I'm walking across a road I just wish a car would hit me and it'd all be over or some crazed man will just come and stab me nice and easy like. I'm not scared about the experiences I wouldn't get to have or the people I'd leave behind...just the pain of going through with it. If I could have a pill that would take me out of existence or it just put me in a golden sleep that I never wake up from I would probably take it and that's the honest truth",moderate
dev_pid_2193,"I wish I had died five years ago : I achieved reaching my five year mark being cancer free. I'm supposed to be happy and feel like I did this amazing thing, but I just wish I had died. I manage to disappoint everyone around me and I am so tired of being the bad guy.",moderate
dev_pid_2194,"Damn it, I want to kill myself so bad but I don’t want to hurt my family. : I fucking hate myself, I fucking hate myself so much.
I grew up in a small town and I worked my ass off to get out of it. I hate it so much. I went to college out of state debt free, however, I got a useless degree and no skill sets. Now I’m back in my hometown where the best opportunity is to work at Walmart. I can’t get out because I don’t have skills.
I have seen the world and experienced the finer things in life and I know that living in this town is not a life worth living. However, I know I will hurt people if I kill myself. Which is fucking frustrating. 
To make matters worse, I worked my fucking ass off in school to stay out of my town. It was all fucking meaningless. Now I’m a fucking laughingstock to the whole community. I worked my ass off to be laughed at. 
I have no purpose and no future. My future is gone forever. Nobody is going to have a 25 year old intern. I missed my one chance to leave forever. I missed it I fucked up.
I sacrificed getting a girlfriend and other parts of life to keep myself out. It was for nothing fucking nothing. I sacrificed to be a failure.",moderate
dev_pid_2195,"Anybody else notices you get treated differently by others once they find out you have depression/anxiety/etc? Or that you grew up in a fucked up environment? : 
I’ve lost count how many times I’ve experienced this. A potential friend or my boyfriends friends find out I lost my mom in middle school, that I was abused, that I was in foster care, and immediately you hear the soft “oh...” or “I’m sorry about that...” and watch them take a step back from you emotionally because they think you’re unstable or need to be coddled. Then they start to ghost you because you’re the damaged and weird kid and they’d rather not deal that. This has happened so many times that unless I really have to I don’t tell them about my past, yet since this is a small town everybody finds out easily, especially the younger people around my age. I’m so sick of this shit and it really deters needs from wanting to make friends because I’m always treated like I have some contagious disease. Fuck “be yourself” shit, I’ve tried that for years and all I get is getting name called, ghosted after a few hang outs, whatnot. I don’t even allude to the fact I’m “messed up,” because I hide it well when I’m around others. Does anybody else experience this?",moderate
dev_pid_2196,Nothings wrong : I don’t really know why I’m depressed. A lot of people seem to have trauma or something that results in bpd and depression and I don’t think anything traumatic has ever happened to me... but I’ve been depressed for like 10 years and think I have bpd but I don’t wanna say that without proof but I mean..I feel like it could be true.  I try to find what set it off and I just dont know... I’ve always been distant from people and not likeable by most people. I used to think no one cared. I know my coworkers and friend care and my family must care but they’re all so distant from me. It just feels like it’s wrong of me to be here.,moderate
dev_pid_2197,"I just hate life. Can I learn to love it? : My personal life is pretty good. I have a good family, an awesome cat, I don’t believe I’m ugly, and I have some good online friend circles. I just hate the idea of life in general. I would much rather be dead and not exist than to do the daily motions of life. It’s just annoying to me. I don’t believe I’m depressed. I just don’t enjoy life. That’s why I don’t think any therapy or mental help would actually help me. And I don’t feel like this is anyone’s problem, but my own. It’s just in my core that I don’t like the aspect of life. 
I can’t stand the idea of having to work either. I don’t have the motivation to do that nearly everyday for the rest of my life. Sometimes getting out of bed is difficult, so there’s no way I can work until retirement (I’m only 18). 
I don’t want to kill myself and leave my family and cat, they love me so much, but I just can’t see myself living this way for 50+ years. I just feel hopeless all the time that I’m always gonna feel this way. I’ve felt this way ever since I was a little kid. It just gets worse with age. 
Any ideas on how to appreciate life?",moderate
dev_pid_2198,"I closed my eyes driving today : I was driving home and decided to just close my eyes for 30 seconds to a song I was listening to. No one was around me, beginning or after. When I opened my eyes I was a lane to the right. I just feel so lost. So helpless. I don’t even want to self harm anymore; I just want everything to be over. I have bipolar depression but I’ve been in this rut for some days now and I feel so defeated. I feel so alone. I’m just tired and dint want to cut again so I’m venting. I’m sorry for even wasting anyone’s time who read this. 
the song was to me- alina baraz,",moderate
dev_pid_2199,"I told a woman/friend that wanted to date me that I suffered from depression, she left : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_2200,Feel alone : Still. Maybe it's depression. I feel stuck. Haven't smoked in almost two months but want to to feel less lonely. Just feel like shit. Everything in my life feels up in the air. Just want to drink til I stop feeling.,moderate
dev_pid_2201,Everything falling apart lately : I was in college working part-time and taking some computer science classes. I was doing okay with some course but this semester everything is slipping apart. I begin to run low on money. I will not be able to pay the rent.,moderate
dev_pid_2202,My illness is screwing my life up : My depression and anxiety is skyhigh out of this world. I can't even do basic tasks anymore like do the instructions on a price of paper. This weakness of mine is ruining my state if mind and is pushing me closer and closer to Alzheimer's. I don't want to take anti depressants to at least numb it because it would be artificial and I feel wouldn't do Jack shit. I can't talk to anyone cause I don't feel safe enough too because of my weakness. I just keep getting sadder and sadder and sadder as the days gone along on top of the sadness that was there in the first place. Can't even take the easy way out because then I would hurt those that do care about me so I have to sit in this everlasting pool of misery just awaiting the oncoming transport bus to come and hit me. I just want this cycle of sadness to end but I'm to stupid to actually find out a way to get rid of the weakness. Anybody got any ways to get rid of the sadness or at least some effective ways to numb it?,moderate
dev_pid_2203,"Haven't Felt Like Myself in a While : Hi everyone. Since starting my masters I've been miserable/dissatisfied with my life. Although I did well in terms of grades and references I was a reject because my name was ethic sounding/not upper middle class (FYI I'm regular to lower middle class) and commuted to school. Also, I was a male while most of my peers were catty women. 
Moreover, I was a social reject in most of undergrad (except for my last year) and I don't feel too prepared for professional world. I hated working retail and I really don't want to work in it or sales again (at least not for more than 6 months for retail). Ideally I'd like to work for the civil service but I'm not confident in my ability to get hired. I've considered therapy (in fact I might be able to see a psychiatrist through a connection who would put me at the front of the line (public healthcare limits)) but my problems/sadness/recurring mental breakdowns seem to be more connected to where I'm at in life. It's getting really tough to function and I graduated with my masters in November (classes finished in September). I can't finish a lot of tasks I set out to do and I hate who I am as a person. I haven't felt too upbeat about life since high school and even when I like my life at points I just come crashing down mentally.
I tried booking an appointment with my GP but although he was sympathetic and pleasant he seemed to think my symptoms were mild depression and suggested I see the social worker in his office. I know social workers have some training but he didn't even mention how to book an appointment and never mentioned how to see a psychiatrist or psychologist or offered to give a referral. I'd prefer to just ask another doctor for a referral but I live in a country with crap public healthcare so it's tough to find another doctor and I don't know if a new would be any good. It took me weeks to build up the courage to book that appointment and it did little for me. It didn't help that I was doing well when I came in so I didn't describe the worst of my symptoms. Doesn't help that he didn't ask enough about it though.
Also, If i wanted a referral to a specific psychiatrist how easy is that to get?? Could I just book an appointment saying I wanted it or how would that work? 
If I wanted an Aderrall or Ritalin prescription how could I get that? I was hoping to get one the last time I visited my GP specifically about having difficulty focusing and he just said it was probably mild depression. I procrastinated all the time during my degrees but I didn't mention it and I REALLY need something to push me through and help me focus in life.",moderate
dev_pid_2204,"I wanna die : Sometimes I have some episodes like right now where I'm just...depressed and I don't wanna do anything and my bf asks me why I'm like this and it's just a mood... I kinda like being in it, it's comfortable but at the same time I'd like to get on with my life but I'm just so discouraged... I hate myself, my friend asked one thing of me and I wasn't responsible enough to do it and there might be consequences... I know she's frustrated and I can't handle when someone is mad at me... Since that event I just wanna die I feel *so* guilty",moderate
dev_pid_2205,"peculiar situation I’ve been in for a while : I used to have many goals and want many things out of life—love, friends, to have a career with some artistic body of work and that was when i felt most violently suicidally depressed.
now I really don’t have any goals or want anything but the well-being of my cats, which they have. I now have no desire for friends, love, or to create and be a success. it doesn’t even feel like depression because I don’t really feel anything at all— not bad and not good. I just feel normal, or what has been normal to me for some years now but when i take time to get introspective about like right now i have to admit it’s objectively hollow.
My head feels empty and every now and then i realize that I haven’t thought about my own life in days, just politics and shit. I feel like i’ve failed to capture the crux of what i wanted to say here but yeah ultimately i’ve been in a hollow empty unfeeling form of depression for some years now where i just coast and don’t want anything and feel nothing. i relate to people less and less everyday and i realize that’s objectively bad. and like i said, it doesn’t even feel like depression because it’s not depression as i knew it before— where i felt a constant pain because i wanted certain things that i didn’t have. it, to me, feels like at some point i just gave up and settled in the hopelessness",moderate
dev_pid_2206,"I really want to kill myself and I can't help it. : I have a pretty shitty life. I really dunno what i did to deserve it tho. I got a real dad that disowned me, my stepdad molested me, and my mom is hella verbally abusive. And the only thing keeping me going is my boyfriend rn. But for some weird reason he's mad at me because i want one of my guy friends to text me. I really want to end it all right now.",moderate
dev_pid_2207,"I don’t want to die, I just want to go to sleep and never have to deal with this shit again and never wake up : Fuck it I was gonna write all the shit in my life right now, but what’re you guys gonna do. You’re all just like me.",moderate
dev_pid_2208,"I dont want to get older I want to stop existing : Why on fucking earth did I invest so much time and energy on my ""future"" growing up? Fuck the future. I'm going to grow old, watch my body slowly and surely decay with no say in the matter, watch my loved ones die of various horrific illnesses, and either die painfully myself or live to be alone and decrepit and wishing for death. My ultimate destiny is pain and suffering and the only things that ease the pain (alcohol, drugs) will lead me to a slower and more painful death. Any possible joyous moments fly by because time is FUCKED up like that, and painful moments last an eternity (of course they do.) I didn't ask for any of this. Why the fuck would I want this? Would anyone really choose to live this life knowing what they'd have to endure? Life is hardly a beautiful gift, people tell themselves that to keep themselves sane. I can't kid myself. Life is a horrific accident and I wish I never existed.",moderate
dev_pid_2209,I don’t know what to do. Scared of going on anti depressants and I’ve been crying for an hour : My depression has gotten worse. I have no energy to take care of myself or to keep my room clean anymore. My grandma suggested that I go to the doctor for anti depressants. I’m really scared of going on them because I don’t know if there’s any pills that don’t cause weight gain or that will make depression worse. The last 2 pills I’ve tried made me so depressed that I tried to take my life on several occasions and made me gain weight and I’m convinced that pills will only make me worse. I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t even have the energy to do things I love anymore and even if I do them I don’t feel super happy. Any advice?,moderate
dev_pid_2210,Yay fucking kill me already : Just had a break from depression for 5 months n guess whos fucking back yeah u know it n so do i REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE,moderate
dev_pid_2211,"Ok so I don’t want to kill myself but I still am depressed I think. : I don’t want to kill myself. I haven’t in at least 2 weeks. I just want to know how to escape this cycle. I’ll sleep in till 3, eat garbage food and drink, then go back to bed. Every single day. I know it’s unhealthy But I have no motivation to fix it. If anyone knows, how do I break free?",moderate
dev_pid_2212,"I feel so trapped : I just cut my wrists again and when my parents see there gonna try section me or call someone they threated it the last time I cut. I can't get sectioned I would rather die. I have trama from teachers retraining me amd locking me in a room. Anyway I I really do need the help but I'm scared of the meds and them so please don't suggest it. The only way I can avoid this is running away but I'm too depressed to me homeless. The only option is sucide but I'm really scared and kinda don't wanna do it. Like I would love to die but I'm just scared about jumping off the roof it's like 19 stories and I'm scared of heights. I would love to talk anyone really, I'm starting to see no way out and no these are not my only reasons, god I wish they were. Also I've been trying to write my sucide note but I'm fucking disabled and struggling. Advice?",moderate
dev_pid_2213,"The dissonance between what I know I can achieve and what I suspect is what makes me happy is extreme and debilitating : My apologies if this comes off as self-aggrandizing at times (and frankly I might have some comment history that would support that interpretation), I don't mean to spew egotistical nonsense, but I feel it's fair to say that I've had more success than most my age.
I KNOW I can achieve great things; I have more than demonstrated that to myself, and seemingly everyone around me believes it and is willing to help me however I ask. I'm an Eagle Scout with 3 palms, I have a Second Dan Black Belt in Taekwondo, I have a full ride merit based scholarship to my university, I'm a second author on a published scientific paper and should be getting a second one soon, I have reason to believe that I might be receiving a prestigious national scholarship for research, and I am a project leader for a really cool project for a campus club. All of this while maintaining a nearly 3.9 GPA in both high school and college.
I've been doing a lot of reflection lately (as one might do when suffering from undiagnosed moderate, borderline severe clinical depression), and am beginning to wonder if at least one source of my depression is all the extra stuff I do beyond school. Right now my depression is soul crushing, to the point that I hate the research I used to love, and can hardly self motivate myself to even play my favorite videogames (let alone do things like be an effective leader for my club, or apply for a nationally competitive scholarship... yet somehow I'm doing both). When I should be working on extracurriculars in my free time, or could otherwise just be playing videogames, I'm lying in bed doing basically nothing because literally nothing sounds like a good time. I constantly feel like I'm failing everything, especially at work, and tbh I think I'm justified in feeling that way because I am fairly regularly dropping the ball at work and have come close elsewhere.
It didn't use to be this way. My freshman and first half of sophomore year were the best times of my life. I had a ton of fun chilling with friends, played some great videogames, got a 3.8 GPA in classes (yes, my GPA has gone UP during my depression), and began doing some really cool research with a nearby hospital. But beyond that, I wasn't doing anything. No college clubs, no scholarship/award/job applications, no extracurriculars. Just getting home from classes and playing videogames in a room with 3 of my closest friends from highschool who were then my dorm roommates (our friendships all survived living together). 
Then I think back to highschool, and although I would have never admitted it back then, I was nearly as depressed as I am now. This was back when I was earning Eagle Scout and becoming a TKD instructor, in addition to excelling in high school AP classes.
Although I'm not yet sure it's a direct causal relationship (and I know there are other factors to my depression, such as my relationship history (or rather lack thereof)), it sure is concerning looking back and realizing that the severity of my depression appears to directly correlate with my involvement in extracurricular activities of any kind. The dissonance between what I can achieve and what appears to make me happy is frightening to say the least.
Note: I am seeking treatment from my university's psychiatric office; but, I believe I am only 8ish weeks into a 12 week wait-list.",moderate
dev_pid_2214,"How much is too much to ask? : So this is my second time at the depression rodeo and I'm crashing pretty bad, but I don't know how much help to ask for. I don't have a therapist at the moment - I'm working on it, on a waiting list but now medicated and taking steps to get out of the house and all that - but I need support and I want to ask my friends for some. 
Friends aren't therapists, and I know this. Frankly, I'm terrified of treating my friends as therapists so I have a tendency to bottle things up until, surprise surprise, I am a mess and need to ask for help. I can, for the most part, function on my own. I get up, get dressed, drink my coffee, drive to school, etc on my own, but sometimes I just need someone to *be there*. Not talking to me or having to give me physical contact or anything, just kind of exist in my vicinity. 
Thing is, I know how odd it is to just ask someone to sit with you without making conversation, even if you're at a coffee shop or another chill kind of place. To be honest, I don't have the energy to talk to others at the moment, but I'm definitely an extrovert and I've learned I need the company of others to feel just a bit better, even if it's just for a short time. I want to be invited along to places and to hang out with others - I just don't want to be a soggy bag of beans that people take places because they feel obligated to, especially since the majority of my ""people time"" is spent vacantly staring into space trying to bring myself back into my body from disassociation. A lot of the time, I know it looks like I'm in pain because I have a horrendous poker face, but I genuinely do enjoy being out with others, though I'm well aware it doesn't look like I do most of the time. 
Do you think it's too much to ask my friends to just sit with me, doing homework or drinking coffee/tea/beverage-of-choice? If it's not, how do I ask friends for help without turning them into therapists? I don't want someone to listen to my sadness rants, I just want some company. 
Any help is appreciated, thank you.",moderate
dev_pid_2215,"It seems like i cant be happy. : A little backstory...
I work 3 jobs but i can't seem to get anywhere in life. I feel Trapped. This week I worked well over 70 hours. I don't think ill be able to pay all my bills. i want to go to uni but I can't find the time. I thought that my life would be better when i got out of the military (no longer working super long days/ having time for a social life/ maybe meet someone) but now it's worse.
I'm nearly at the end of my rope. i need to go to work tomorrow and ill be there for 16 hours followed by another 16 hours of working followed by another 16 hours. I don't have time to sleep. I don't have time to read. I was trying to play board games with friends today but all I could think about was work and that my boss would yell at me again if I forgot something. I can't afford to take a day off. I'm so lost.",moderate
dev_pid_2216,Everytime i seem a bit happy i feel like im annoying people : which makes me more depressed after,moderate
dev_pid_2217,"Here my story..kinda : I was 3 when my baby brother passed away. Heres the thing I only found out I was three (almost 4) a couple years ago). Which tbh shocked me cause no one ever talk to me about the situation but I have a strong memory with it. Whole ordeal was violent. So it just stuck I guess. I feel guilty for even feeling bad about it. 
I was beaten and my dad at the time I think he sexually abused me. 
I was adopted. 
I was hell to raise. No one understood why such small things would send me on a rampage. I feel so bad to anyone who was my friend. I was possessive. I was so toxic. I just didnt want to be lonely. I'm sorry. 
I was bullied all through elementary to middle school. 
I had social anxiety it physical hurt my face felt like a thousand needles poking it and like someone lit me on fire.AND on my grAndmother theres no Exaggeration there. And through high school I never learned how to love myself after all those years of bullying. I craving for love and willing to do anything for it. I have such unreasonable violent mood swings though it makes me feel so ugly. But I'm still clingy as ever. Tbh I think I want to get admitted to a hospital for a month atleast. I'm not stable and also having delusional ideas. Getting graphic here. But I'm struggle so hard right now my emotions have full control. I'm suffocating. I want release like self harm but it would be noticeable so I guess I cant. I have no solid friends cause of my behavior which makes sense I'm happy they left and didntstick around with such a mess as me.....back to my emotions theres so black and white. Dry or wet. Up or down. And again such violent mood swings feels like two people in my body fighting each other. And I'm just so tired so so soooooo tired. I want to know everything will be okay.i want to rest my thoughts. I'm exhausted. I want to feel love. I wish I was never born.",moderate
dev_pid_2218,hey guys : so idk if this is the right sub to post this but i have just been grounded and basically disowned by my parents and i have had borderline suicidal thoughts and i am at all time low i just want someone to talk to.,moderate
dev_pid_2219,"i hate you : i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you, i really fucking hate you, the words you said to me loop around in my head and i can't get them out. I'm uninteresting, boring, too depressed, you're weak, drink some interesting bitch juice, I'm proud of you, people can only be so interesting. whenever i feel i can actually better you always come back to my head and ruin everything for me, i almost quit my job, I'm driving like i have a death wish and i really don't give a flying fuck if i die today, tomorrow, in a week or a fucking year, I'll be fucking dead soon whether it is by my hands or someone else's. You said you picked me up from the dust just to throw me back down again, i can't get your actions out my fucking head either. I fucking hate you, i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you. you scarred me so badly and they hurt just as much as when i received them, i sometimes wish i never met you and i still fucking miss you, but i fucking hate you so fucking much eieuryehsuudiwjejrjeiieid",moderate
dev_pid_2220,"I'm 30 in less than a month and hate myself : Woo boy this is a long fucking read strap in.
I've dealt with depression my whole life. I was bullied quite literally every day from the start of kindergarten til I graduated. It made me fearful of people's intentions and paranoid someone is out to get me. The worst culprits were the drug dealer my age who put a hit out on me in 8th grade, the guy my age that beat the shit out of me just so he wouldn't have to go to art class in grade 10, and the 3 girls (2 exes and a scorned girl who I almost dated before this) that tried to have me charged with false rape claims (failed after 2 months of investigation and the scorned girl coming clean to the police of the whole plot) so they wouldn't have to see me at school in my grade 11 year.
This manifested in me removing people from my life over minor things to protect myself, constantly deleting social media accounts to start fresh at any sign of compromise, and distancing myself from people for fear of them using my secrets against me.
I made it through high school though. Yay! Except a year later my brother hung himself. It broke me. I still break down in secret every few weeks. No one knows. Not even my girlfriend. I don't tell anyone anymore because it's been 11 years and I should be 'over it'. 
I've had 6 brain injuries over 6 years in the middle of my 20s that have taken most of my memories of my ""best years"", a hernia surgery described to me by the surgeon as the worst case hes ever seen in someone my age, and the anxiety and trauma of everything has fucked me up.
I've been diagnosed with minor agoraphobia, social anxiety disorder, massive depressive disorder, and now I'm being tested for autism. I haven't been able to hold a job for longer than a couple months in years because of all of this. I started school last summer, did a term, got kicked out for a term for health reasons, and now I'm back in it but scared I'll end up fucking up again.
I'm 30 next month. I have a loving girlfriend of 4 years who has been with me through some really dark times. I have parents that would give me the world if they could. I have friends that truly care about me. I'm not homeless or dying.... so why do I feel so alone?
I hate myself. I hate everything I've done. I cant look at myself in the mirror anymore and I wonder how anyone can love me. 
I really needed to get this all off my chest. If you read it all, thanks and sorry for taking your time to just bitch about myself.",moderate
dev_pid_2221,"I feel so lost right now.. : A couple of months ago, I got evicted from my apartment. It wasn't really my fault, I had to deal with family medical issues. A friend of mine was going to be my roommate and gave me money for rent. We put everything in storage and I put everything I had on a down payment for a rent to own house. The financier tells me I need 5x the rent. So I stay with another friend and think that I'll be able to do a partial payment instead of all of February. I call the guy today and he started the clock from the day I put money down. So he wants $2000 tomorrow or no deal. I have half of that. I have no one to borrow from. I'm ready to just end it.",moderate
dev_pid_2222,"Never did I think this would happen. : The past two years I have been in the best headspace I have ever been in regards to my mental health overall... I got a good job, accepted into university, found myself and became independant.
I had been accepted to study abroad for a semester which has always been a dream of mine to travel to this particular country.. even better I've been able to live here for 3 months instead of having a short visit. 
Umm...... since arriving I have been overcome with depression + insomnia and have barely attended classes at all.... I had other issues in the past that have sparked up since being here. 
Now I only have 1 month left and this feeling has stuck with me consistently. Safe to say ruining my whole experience. 
Not only has this ""life changing"" experience been the complete opposite of what I envisioned and hoped. I am completely aware that my depression will be an ongoing battle forever... before arriving here I  thought I had overcome my depression due to my  progress in the last two years. 
Weird how I was doing so good back home and since being here everything is turned upside down for no reason I can truly identify. 
Now I assumed It could have been because I'm in a unfamiliar place, not close to loved ones, missing home etc. But to be honest coming overseas was perfect timing as back home I was frustrated and ready to get away and continue to improve my life. 
It's been a rude awakening and I'm still unsure why this could be occurring when I was wanting and looking forward to the change.. and not necessarily missing home. 
I have 3 papers due in 3 weeks. I havent been able to concentrate and even begin.
My family are expecting me to excel while here and I'm ashamed of how I have deteriorated since being here.
I am active, I know how to combat my depression in ways but its lingering like the m****** f******* it is.
I'm disappointed in myself and know I have wasted an opportunity of a lifetime. 
tldr: a lifetime experience + opportunity has turned out to be nothing like I thought due to being struck  by recuring bouts of depression for no identifiable reason.",moderate
dev_pid_2223,"I feel it coming back what can I do? : I haven’t been depressed in 3 years but i feel it creeping back, what can I do?",moderate
dev_pid_2224,"How should I kill myself (question) : I’ve got three or four options
One the weak ass pellet gun I have done stairs I doubt it will do it but what’s your opinion?
Two unfortunately also weak ass ibuprofen and Tylenol (acetaminophen) which probably means kidney or liver failure which might be painful
Three the knife
The most painful option down the stream of course I’m trying to accomplish something
4 suffocating myself to sleep
The most peaceful option in the end although I suppose the knife would be peaceful in the end as well but I would be in a very large amount of stress but I’d end up having dmt shot into my brain and voila I’m drifting
5 any other option that could be in a random house hold that you guys know of preferable the most least painful 
Note: if you give a self help line I’m doing the secret option number 6 I do a nose dive off of my balcony not killing me but just breaking most of my bones",moderate
dev_pid_2225,"I think I’m ready to go. This isn’t a cry for help, just a way to vent without my family having to see : I’ve been working a dream job and I’m not happy. 
I’ve felt like a fraud this year with Imposter Syndrome.
I’ve really been researching this, and is why I even have a throw away account.
Even my dream gigs haven’t brought happiness. I’ve had to hide myself even more because I work for a Production company (Top 3 in world) that would now even allow me to say what’s up. They have a + in their new monopoly  if that makes sense 
I’m here. I’m where I wanted to be. And now I just wanna be gone",moderate
dev_pid_2226,"Need advice on my addiction and the underlying emotions that caused it : Should probably be posting this on r/addiction but cant seem to get a response. To give some background im 14 (M) and have a physical and emotional dependency on weed. I have also dappled into shrooms and perscription adderall. First smoked when i was 13 (by myself) and immediately fell in love with it. For a while it was an occasional thing maybe once every 2 months but when I moved after my parents divorced things changed very quick. I moved in with the man my mom cheated on my dad with and that left me with alot of mixed emotions. My mom has the right intentions for me and my siblings, but she just cant seem to excecute them correctly. She is always on edge and she also is very controlling about what I look like and how i dress. On the other hand my dad is very caring but he has an extreme temper and had a past addiction of adderal and alcohol. So these emotions i had left me very depressed for a few months and i started smoking everyday (1-4 times a day) so I could always have that euphoria that distracted me from these emotions.And here I am now, currently going through withdraws because I ran out of weed. Bottomline I just want to some advice on what I need to do at this point. Is my brain permanently fucked? Its been everyday for 5 months now so I dont think theres a whole lot I can fix. :/",moderate
dev_pid_2227,"Feel like I’m made a huge mistake : Im almost 23, which feels like I’m too old to be making this kind of dumbass decision. I’m just starting in a job I already hate, and every night I get back from work I break down into tears, but not before getting right back into work since a lot of it is taking 6 hours of work home with me right after a 9 hour shift. I have a chronic illness which has me needing a consistent nine to ten hours of sleep to stay in good health... So I haven’t had time or motivation for any of my hobbies or my deep passions.
On top of that, the work itself is exhausting on multiple levels. Emotionally, physically— my feet and head and chest kill me at the end of every day. All the things that made life worth living feel bleak. Even eating brings me no joy.
I have lost 15 pounds this month alone. I wear a smile and laugh and go through the motions but I feel like I’m on the verge of cracking, and my face looks like Skeletor more and more everyday.
I hate my job and I feel like the skills here will never transfer to another profession, and that no one will ever hire me so that’s why I had to take this job. Other people in this field told me how they tried, and failed, to leave. They say, for all the sleepless nights and unpaid overtime and premature balding, at least it’ll keep me financially stable. But at this point I’m so stressed out I’ve considered hurting myself just so that I don’t have to consider quitting vs potential homelessness and poverty. Everyday I question why I still bother getting out of bed, and it’s due to the fear of being a disappointment to all the people who have supported my dumb ass through so much.
I’ve never felt this low before in my life, and every night has me feeling ohysically pained from how stressed I am before work the next day. There’s other small factors, but this job is sucking my life out of me. I feel too much guilt and pressure from family and peers to leave. I don’t know if I deserve to be happy, to di what I always dreamed of, or if I should just suck it up and hope a car crushes me by accident one day. Will I at least get an oppurtunity to be happy in retirement?",moderate
dev_pid_2228,"The things that hold me back : A lot of the time when depressed people talk about what holds them back from ending it all they talk about these things as being good, but I don't feel that way.
I wish that the people in my life didn't care about me. I wish I didn't have responsibilities. I wish there was nothing and no one that relied on me. If that were true, then I would be free. I'd be free to let it all go. To just die, and be away from the torture of life. I don't want to live, but I feel I have to.",moderate
dev_pid_2229,"im so ready for it to be over : i honestly fucking hate being alive, and its ""bad"" for me to kill myself. people are forcing me to be alive when i absolutely fucking hate it, im not happy and i dont know how to be. i do NOT want to be alive, why cant i just chose to die right now? why does everyone take all the sharp objects or lock away anything i can use to hurt myself. i do not enjoy being alive so why do i have to do it, why cant i just fucking die already. i want to take the easy route and just not be alive anymore",moderate
dev_pid_2230,"Don't do what you love for people that don't love what you do. : Depression has seriously been kicking my ass around the past month and a bit, so I thought it was time to create a dedicated account to vent my worries.
Was a talented coder when I was younger, won national championships and so on. Fast forward, health got the best of me and I ended up needing surgery or otherwise I'd die. This went fine, and even got into Uni on time with the rest of my peers my age. Ended up studying mathematics & comp sci for a year before the rent became too much for someone that was doing freelance and I had to move home.
In order to pay for Uni locally, I started working. This job went shit with new management and they basically just used and abused me to make their systems Government compliant so they could start taking on Gov contracts.
Got poached about a month ago by a much larger company, which is a nice feeling. The part they don't tell you though, is that when they work you this hard, you burn out and end up hating everything you loved to do. I have no passion anymore, and my head constantly hurts. I'm constantly dazing off and I have been feeling physically ill for the past 3 months, but every doctor says it is nothing.
So, as I sit here at work, constantly thinking of how I would love to jump out the window and end it all, just to be over with it.
And knowing that I'm going to go home just to sleep another 14 hours just so I don't have to think about the depressing day I'll have tomorrow, and knowing that I have nothing left that I like, that I have no motivation. I don't even care about the money anymore. I've had to drop out of University and leave the one last thing I loved doing, just so I can afford rent & to feed myself.
So with all that out of the way, for the younger ones about to enter the adult life, take this advice: *Don't do what you love, if you aren't working for yourself or for someone that doesn't love what you do. They'll always end up stealing it from you, and that will make you hate it. You will be left with nothing.*",moderate
dev_pid_2231,"I'm about to end my life. The pressure is too much. : I can't keep going. I'm not supported by my family when I need them most. My mother found out I smoke weed for anxiety. She is cancelling my car insurance, and I'm barred from doing laundry at their house anymore. I can't afford car insurance, and I can't get a new job. THERE ARE NO FUCKING JOBS! I need to end my life. Maybe I'll be happier when I'm finally at peace.",moderate
dev_pid_2232,"I just started cutting again after over a month of not doing so. The only thing I have control over in my life is maintaining my hobbies. : My grades are all Cs Ds and Fs. I finished last year with nothing lower than As. When my parents find out they’ll kill me, and I don’t blame them. I will do the same.
The worst part about feeling like you have no control over your situation is knowing that you do, but you don’t have the motivation to do anything. It is all my fault and I deserve no sympathy. 
I’m only holding motivation towards my hobbies. It’s the only thing keeping me from sleeping all day. It’s not healthy.
I hate myself and almost constantly want to kill myself. I push away people I love because I think I’m not good enough for them. Every little mistake is a reason. 
I’m eating lunch again and am working on eating breakfast. I started cutting again and am trying to stop. I really do think that unless something gets done and I get help, I’m going to hang myself.",moderate
dev_pid_2233,I don’t think I’m suicidal but I don’t really know : I can’t see myself living a full life. I don’t really know what life is worth living for. I’m not gonna kill myself any time soon but I can see it in the far future. I don’t really know if I’m suicidal or not it’s really weird.,moderate
dev_pid_2234,I’m tired of life : I don’t want to live. I just don’t see why life is worth living it’s too much work. I don’t think there is really anything that can get me out of this. I’m not gonna kill myself any time soon but I could see it some where in the far future if nothing changes. I’m just tired. Am I suicidal? It doesn’t feel like I am but I don’t particularly want to live.,moderate
dev_pid_2235,"Whats the point : I can't connect with anyone. I dont know how. Im not interesting, Im boring. My friend tells me I am amazing and honestly those are just words to me I cant believe. She doesn't know me. Hasnt been in my life most of it. 
Im so awkward and weird, be who you are and people will accept it. Yea been trying that for years and people enter and seem really nice for maybe a day at most. Then they leave it. 
I feel like I got left behind somewhere. Like I am missing something. The only good thing is my dog.
I feel like theres nothing inside me anymore. I cant get up to even game or workout anymore. Theres no motivation. All I have are insecurities that build with each passing year. Im tired of being a fuck up, tired of trying. I just wish I was normal. I wish I was happy. 
Anyways thank you to anyone who reads this. Maybe the wine I found didn't help to much but it atleast gave me the courage to type something.",moderate
dev_pid_2236,"Depression has taken over my life : Yesterday my Best friend of 10 years ended our friendship and all I did was tear up a little but nothing more. I was surprised because I’m an emotional mess and I feel like I’m going to break down anytime now. It’s been a full day since that happened. I don’t blame him, he saved me from a suicide attempt back on December 28th of 2019. But after that things haven’t been the same. He has always been there for me. But I messed it all up. I’ve been depressed and I guess it’s been to much for him. But whenever I hang out with my group of friends he’s part of that also. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m burning bridges with everyone else because there’s never going to be a time where he doesn’t hang out with them. We are that tight with our group of friends. We plan big trips because we all love to travel. This summer we have a plan to travel to Miami Florida from California . Now I don’t even know if I get to go since I also deleted my Facebook account and now I can only contact 2 of my friends from my group. Nothing I do will ever fix this mess. The thing that hurt me the most is that he said. He doesn’t gain anything from our friendship and he won’t lose anything either. I just hope I don’t have a breakdown anywhere public. Like I’m not sure why I haven’t bursted into tears. God I’m a fuckin mess. I still want to kill myself, specially now that I lost the closest thing to me besides my family. I counted him as the brother I never had.",moderate
dev_pid_2237,"Self biography/story : My Addiction to Pain
     For the purpose of this story and to keep my identity a secret I am going to be going by the code name ""FireFly"". Nah I'm just kidding. Instead you can call me Koid. Yea I know. I know that's a weird ass name. Dont judge me. I suck at making up names. I dont have the imagination I once had when I was a kid so deal with it!
  Well now that we have somewhat of an introduction to who the protagonist, the hero, the savior of this story is! (Me). You're probably NOT asking yourself why am I reading this. So maybe you should ask yourself that. Did you ask yourself that yet? Yea? Ok good. Well my good reader that's an easy answer. You read my title. I mean come on now. Isnt ""My Addiction to Pain"" a good ass tittle? DOES THAT NOT GRAB YOUR ATTENTION? Sorry sorry. I get carried away sometimes. But anyways that answer to your question should be answered later on. And only by you. I can't answer that for you. I don't know why you read random stuff online or if this goes big then from a book store I don't know you! Sorry again. I don't mean to yell. 
   Well my friend. I want you to ask yourself this second question. What does this title mean to me? No, not you me. Koid. So what does it mean? Anyone? Really no one? Well fine then. I guess I'll answer this myself. The title of this story means absolutely nothing to me. But at the same time absolutely everything. This title is the embodiment of my life. Hell, this title is my life. Hence the whole ""My"" in the title. This is a story of my struggles in life and what I had to overcome and what almost made me take my own life. This is the story of a man who has known nothing but pain for such a long time that he realized it was the only thing constant in his life. The only thing he knew to be true. He knew this feeling so well he fell in love with it. He fell in love with a feeling of dread, quilt, and despair. He fell head over heels for it and he didn't even know it. But why does this mean nothing to me as well? Well my reader. From the good words of Thomas Shelby ""This addiction is in the past now. And the past is no longer my concern."" Actually he doesn't say it exactly like that but it's close enough to the point where if someone who's reading this saw the peaky blinders then they'll know I totally ripped that off from the show and I don't want to be used. So better to be safe than sorry.
     And before I continue I want you to know something. I am not a writer. I suck at grammar, I probably won't use the correct words or proper paragraph styles. I'm not an English teacher. Shit the last time I read a book to its entirety was back in highschool. And even then I used the fuck out of sparknotes to get through that class and at least have somewhat of an understanding of what I was reading. I'm about to turn 22 by the way at the time I'm writing this. So yeah. If there's any english major's reading this or teachers or just anyone who knows how to properly write a book or essay. Please bear with me. 
     I'm going to be honest with you guys also. I don't know where to even begin. Do I start from the very beginning?  Do I tell you guys how 2019 shaped up to be the worst year ever? Or do I tell you about my most recent relationship with my ex girlfriend? I don't know yet. I'm just winging this here. But whatever I choose to begin with, I really hope you guys stick around for the ride. And possibly enjoy it? No, this is going to be a depressing tale, or maybe it won't be. WHO KNOWS? But I do hope this helps whoever needs it. Whoever needs help to move forward in life like I am doing and understand why you're doing what you are. Please enjoy.
CHAPTER 1: A Tale of Dead Romance 
So here goes. My last relationship was way over before I even knew it. I was with this girl for quite some time and I didnt even know our relationship had already ended. What do I mean by that? Well, she and i were at a rough spot for a while. Constantly fighting constantly arguing over stupid things. But me being the idiot I was, I thought that was normal. You know?  Like every relationship they show on TV or have people tell you, you'll always argue with the significant other. That's just life. That's ""NORMAL"". But I was a fool when it came to this. I didnt know she and I had already drew our last breath in this relationship. I didnt know she had already moved on and found someone else. I dont blame her. I really dont. She and I had been in a tight spot for a while. Where she and I would argue almost every night over such stupid little things. 
It's funny to be honest. Looking back now. Those fights are kinda what I miss most now. Because with every compromise she and I made I knew she cared. Even if it was a little bit. Maybe I should have been more supportive on her endeavors. Maybe I should have been there for her. Maybe I should have continued to monitor the situation and adapt to her to keep her. These are the thoughts that keep up at night. These are the reasons why I dont sleep. Because I think about her every night. Right now it is March 8th 2020. We broke up on November 18th. On her birthday when I went to go and see her. Yet I lie here awake at night not able to sleep thinking about what we could have been doing right now. What we could have been talking about. What we could have been planning. Not a day has gone by where I haven't thought about her… 
I promise you reader this has never ever been me. I was never one to be like this. Sure I've always been lonely. I've actually always liked being alone. To be in my own bubble. Away from society and family. Just on my own. But nowadays… while I still crave to be alone in my thoughts I get upset because I know theres no one thinking of me. I know that at night I wont be able to sleep with someone on the phone or have a night call with. You may be telling yourself ""well why dont you find someone else to do all those things with?"". It's just not that simple. I got torn down when she and I broke up. I became someone I didnt even recognize anymore. When I look in the mirror I don't even see myself anymore. I see a lost soul looking for something that is out of my grasp out of my understanding. Out of my comprehension of what I am feeling right now. Have you ever felt this pain? This suffering that all you want to do is get better but cant? That when you see a happy couple you cant help but imagine but to remember that's how you used to feel like? This darkness, this pain, this hollowness that I have in my heart is the only thing I have know these past 4 months. And everytime I try to move on..  I just cant. And I dont know why.",moderate
dev_pid_2238,"I'm giving myself a week and if I can't find a solution, I'm just leaving this world : I doubt a lot of people care, but forget about it. I can't take it anymore. It's been almost a decade. I've tried almost everything I can think of and I'm just done. Done.",moderate
dev_pid_2239,"New but want some insight : My friends have told me about how much I've changed and how I'm not the person I used to be
My friends who have been in therapy for 5+ years tell me I 100% have depression and should do something 
I want to see if I can find a therapist to get some help, but I don't know where to start and I don't know if I would have enough money to do so
Any help would be greatly appreciated",moderate
dev_pid_2240,"Does anyone else just feel beyond help? : Every last piece of advice I've gotten related to my situation is something I can't put into practice. ""Focus on hobbies"" I don't have any. ""Chase what makes you happy"" Nothing does. ""Spend more time with friends"" I have like 2, and I don't want to bother them for fear that they'll abandon me if they realize how deeply broken I am. ""Eat healthier"" I don't have the energy required to cook all the time. ""Try to change the way you think about things"" Literally how? I just feel like a lost cause.",moderate
dev_pid_2241,Why am I always on the verge of slipping into the abyss? : I'm very bi-polar yet no one in my family has ever acknowledged it. I have to work very hard to act normal and I have found that writing songs or making art really helps to keep me on the level. But sometimes I find myself right back in my old habits and I wind up making a complete ass out of myself. I hope someone knows what I'm talking about. I can't really think straight at the moment.,moderate
dev_pid_2242,"Is anyone else depressed but on the surface they shouldn't be? : I don't live in poverty or come from an abusive family, i'm healthy, there's nothing wrong with me. I have a job, a degree, i can get laid, i have a few friends, i'm physically active.
But for some reason, i just feel empty? numb. Like i just live. Like i don't exist. Its hard to describe. :(",moderate
dev_pid_2243,"i just failed my suicide attempt : Dont know why, I take all my meds, all of them, but im still here, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, its to much and I cannot handle this anymore, 11 years of this crapy, and its getting worse and worse, I just need to die, I just want to die, please, please Someone end this, im so tired, I just want to die
I just need to die, please, please",moderate
dev_pid_2244,"I just randomly sprouted depression and I don’t know what to do : I’m a 12 yo type one diabetic who has delt with my parent divorce who has been pretty happy for my whole life. Even during the divorce I was not super miserable. But ever since last month I’ve been really in-motivated, sad, and depressed. It’s getting really bad, kinda suicidal, just really self loathing. I don’t know how or why this is happening, and just wanted to vent to strangers on the internet. Thanks for reading",moderate
dev_pid_2245,"Will I ever feel whole? : I don't feel like I have a right to be depressed. 
I know that's not how depression works and it's not some badge of honor, but I feel guilty for being depressed. 
I'm successful in most aspects of my life. I have a good paying job at 23 that I'm doing well in and have real career prospects. I have both deep friendships with a large group of guys who live on the opposite side of the country and strong friendships in the new city I live in. I'm not doing too poorly socially, if I need someone to hang out with or go on a date. Loving family with a distinct lack of any traumatic events growing up.
When I set goals, I usually end up achieving them. I've developed some interesting and diverse hobbies.
Why is it never enough? My dream is to be a good father and husband to my family. But I'm afraid that it still won't be enough. I'll still feel lonely when I'm with my family and friends. 
I'm a stupid romantic so I fool myself into believing I'll find someone who'll take away that loneliness. But I know that's not a fair thing to put on someone and somehow I'm supposed to solve it.
My chronic depressive episodes are short enough that I've never considered going to a therapist or going on antidepressants. I don't even know if antidepressants would have an effect. 
TL;DR: More or less perfect life on paper, still feel alone. 
Anyone dealing with something similar? Any advice, thoughts, etc?",moderate
dev_pid_2246,"Who else has zero ""emotional motor""? : There is nothing at all in life that is worth doing. I want nothing. I find so little flavor in any day-to-day activity. There is nothing forcing me to learn new things and there are exactly zero people I want to meet, and zero ways to make me happy.
I genuinely think every wholesome part of my personality just died a few years ago. Like my inner child isn't there anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_2247,Downward Spiral : You ever feel like one thing goes wrong and it sets off a reaction of things going wrong that happen to strictly fucking make you miserable or is that just me?,moderate
dev_pid_2248,Depression and death : Don’t feel bad that you are sad when others see you have the “perfect life”. Depression isn’t because your life sucks depression is medical and it’s about yourself. You could have the perfect life and be on top of the world but do you like yourself and do you want to live? I don’t talk about anything anymore because I’m tired of people pulling the “others have it worse” card. It’s not about the life I’m living it’s about what’s happening in my head that makes me want to paint the curtains red,moderate
dev_pid_2249,"Frozen : For the past 2 weeks I've been depressed, I think combinations of moderate use of alcohol, vivid flashbacks of my dads struggle and death from cancer, and pressure coming from my work and school triggered it. Flashes of suicidal thoughts have been popping in and out. I've struggling to tell anyone... this has halted all my productivity. .... I was doin so well... I'm crying rn just writing this...",moderate
dev_pid_2250,"Anyone else wish they could fall into a coma? : I don't like life very much right now. There's a lot of problems I have which have no real possible answer, and my favorite thing to do is sleep because it numbs my brain from stuff like this. I don't want to kill myself, I don't want to cause any distress like that to my family, so I wish I could just slip into a coma one way or another.
I just need, any sort of extended break from reality, holy fuck. Sleep is a nice break, but it does not last long at all. I'm only 17; I don't have it nearly as bad as most others here do, I apologize. But just, nothing feels special about life anymore. Things are kind of difficult now, but looking at the future, it only looks like things are going to get even more difficult, and that's something I wish I could veer away from, but it doesn't look like that's within my power.
I don't want to die, I'm scared of finding out what's on the other side, but stuff like sleep and comas are pretty much as close as one can get to being dead without actually dying as far as I'm aware. Thanks for reading my vent, I hope you have a great day.",moderate
dev_pid_2251,"Trying to make myself feel better is always the hardest part. : Starting this by apologizing if some sentences run on for too long. My sentence structure gets really shit when I word dump.
The people that I’m able to feel like are my friends always commend me for being so positive towards them all and helping when I can, and I have a strong will to help others. But when it comes to myself it’s like everything I stand for is just gone. 
I recently had to move last year and it made me lose my best friends for 8 years to a 8 hour distance. My parents have a back and forth relationship where they both want to be together for me and my siblings but the two things they can never agree on is money/work and how to best take care of their kids so their back and forth arguing and my father being in and out the house just makes every other week awful. 
Ever since I came to this school I had one year where I was overly lonely and broke down on the drive home in front of my parents because I couldn’t make any real friends. I never go to any events because nothing about this school feels right for me to go to them. Hell im having issues doing the last few things required to graduate.
But it’s like I just stay in my room almost every day because I have nothing else to do and no one to talk to, I’m able to tell others how they have a great future ahead of them as long as they keep their head up but every time I’m met with a roadblock all I think about is how I’ve become a disappointing son as the oldest child in my family and I’m a bad role model for my youngest sibling. And that at some point both my parents will finally clue one that I really might not be going anywhere.
 I have my moments of aspiration but they leave just as fast and I’m back at square one where I can’t find any resolve to want to leave my room. I know that I need to have the strong will to beat the bad thoughts away but it’s hard because I feel like there’s no person who really sees me as their favourite or the person they always wanna check up with and see if they’re ok. My friends know that my life isn’t great, just that I’m usually positive. I just want the subconscious feeling that someone else I know personally thinks about me and hopes I’m okay rather than me only occasionally popping in and out of their mind as the “oh yeah, he’s pretty cool.” But I never want to ask someone a question like that because it just feels like they’ll do it but only because they’ve been prompted to. Leaving me feeling like they do it more so out of moral necessity than me just being someone they actually care for very much.
I never know how to phrase these things because whenever I type shit like this I usually delete the draft just thinking that I’ll be seen as overly needy and maybe I am, but sometimes I just want to be able to think I have someone close to me that really does want to make sure that I’m doing ok, or have the feeling that I’m someone’s favourite out there and not the one who’s just slightly average at everything and isn’t anyone’s actual first choice.",moderate
dev_pid_2252,Anyone ever lose someone close to them and just can’t shake the feeling you could have done something? : About 3 ish years ago I lost my ex girlfriend to heroin. It was the worst If not the worst thing to happen to me. I had been incredibly depressed for a long time and still to this day I dream of her. She and I had this connection I couldn’t explain to anyone. We just FIT if that makes sense. When she died I didn’t beat myself up over it but lately I have and it sucks because I know there was nothing I could have done. But sometimes I wish I could hop in a time machine and change it all.,moderate
dev_pid_2253,"Never been to therapy but want to : I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for about 5 years now (23yo) and would most likely benefit from therapy.  I don’t like to self diagnose but I’m about positive I would be diagnosed with depression, GAD, and OCD and potential other things I don’t know as much about.  While I’ve been think about going for years (and my issues are only getting worse) for some reason I can’t get myself to go.  I literally have nobody to talk to about these things and have never told anyone about these issues either.  I have so much I want to talk about but I can’t commit to going.  I have this deep feeling that my problems aren’t valid and I think that’s why I have problems reaching out for help.  Has anyone else been in a similar situation and went to therapy? How did it go?",moderate
dev_pid_2254,"I don’t know what normal is supposed to feel like. : I spent the last decade on opiates, most of that on methadone. I’ve been off them for over a month now, with the help of some comfort meds to ease the withdrawals. The worst of that is over, but now the depression is starting to kick in, and hard.
I don’t know if I’ve always been this way, my arms and legs are scarred to hell from cutting when I was younger. I’ve been hospitalized for a suicide attempt once over stress at school. I remember struggling with depression, hallucinations and anxiety as a teenager, but everything after the opiates is a blur of diagnoses and medications. And I don’t know what was caused by the drugs or what was actually wrong with me.
But this time it’s different. I have no motivation. I spent the weekend staring at my phone screen, didn’t even have the energy to pick up the TV remote. Random crying spells. Anger and stress over the simplest things. All the things I used to love to do, even though I’d like to do them, I just can’t bring myself to actually do. Everything I do seems pointless, it’s an endless repeating cycle. I don’t see the point in living. I have a husband and pets that I care about, but that’s the only thing keeping me going at this point.
Does anyone here have experience with depression after stopping opiates? I knew it could happen, I just don’t know if this is just more withdrawal symptoms or if I’m actually falling back into a major depressive episode. My next appointment with my psych is a month away, the rational side of me is telling me to call and reschedule for sooner. I’d prefer not to spend another week in a psych ward if I can avoid it, and it feels like I’m heading that direction again.",moderate
dev_pid_2255,"Good evening : Hey everyone, 
I’m writing pretty much to get things off my chest. I don’t really know what to say so this will all seem a bit rambly so please bare with me. So, I’m depressed and probably suicidal (I say probably because dealing with absolutes is scary.) Anyways, I can’t really turn to a therapist since the career I’m going to school for requires me to have never been forcefully hospitalized for mental issues. So here I am typing things out to a bunch of strangers when I should be trying to sleep. I thought about killing myself tonight. Had a gun to my head and was about a third of the way through pulling the trigger when I finally gave up. I called myself dramatic and beat myself up a bit for the admittedly low point. This isn’t even close to the first time I’ve done this either. I went on my first date since my ex and I broke up. Usually I have my ever-faithful shield of pessimism to keep me from getting too hurt but this time seemed to be going well and I thought for once I was good enough and that I did something right. And then this morning I was blocked on everything so.. yeah that stung. And I don’t really have many friends to lean on either so every crisis, every sleepless night, every “maybe tonight’s the night where I shut it all off” is handled by me and me alomne. I do have friends mind you or, rather I think I do. I don’t really know. Every time I reach out they’re too busy or are finally just fed up with talking to me. I’m sorry if I’m going on too long thank you to anyone who has hung in there with me. Anyways I should probably rest. Thank you and have a lovely evening.",moderate
dev_pid_2256,"How do you find a job when you’re depressed? : I’ve been at my current job for 5 years now and I hate it. I’m lucky in the sense that I have managed to still show up everyday and not get myself fired or quit on a whim. I used to really like my job and had a great sense of pride in the work I do. It’s mostly a boring 9-5 job, nothing special, but I’m really good at it. I spend a lot of time by myself, which I like but I’ve always had to pick up my coworkers’ slack, never get much recognition for my work, have to do a lot of my bosses tasks that I shouldn’t have to do while he gets the credit for it, etc. And then, the past year, my boss’s boss has implied more than once that I am overpaid for what I do while cutting my hours intermittently while business has been slow (then giving me extra hours when it’s busy.) 
I should have left a while ago, I know. I started looking for a new job a couple months ago. I’ve applied to about 60 places and have only gotten 1 interview. I’ve been applying to similar jobs to the one I have right now with the same salary, sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. I feel like I should be getting more call backs than I have. The 1 interview I had, I thought I was the prefect fit! When I didn’t hear anything back, I thought they must have found someone more experienced or had a degree (I don’t have one.) But after 2 weeks from my interview, I saw they refreshed the job ad online. 
I feel like my job has really negatively affected my mental health and my self esteem is pretty non-existent now. Job hunting has only been making it worse and I know I have to really put more effort in if I’m going to find something but it just seems impossible at this point. I’m starting to believe that I am overpaid and don’t have anything good to offer to a potential employer in the field I’m trying to work in, and it just makes me feel worthless. 
How do you find a job when you’re depressed?",moderate
dev_pid_2257,"not really sure anymore : i havent been diagnosed or anything. i dont think i do, but im not quite sure. schools been really getting me down recently. im a freshman, and a real bad one at that. academically, im garbage! i dont turn in assignments because i dont ""feel like it"", and i cant study to save my life. whenever i try to, i cant muster up the motivation to do anything. my grades, which used to be pretty good are slipping, and i can only sit back and watch as i let my future slip away from me. my family isnt in a high enough position economically for me to not get a good job - my future decides theirs as well. is it too much to ask for a less stressful way of life? i dont want to do this anymore",moderate
dev_pid_2258,"had a self harm relapse tonight : I had a self harm relapse tonight
Just got some really shitty news that lead to me kind of spiraling and feeling really hopeless about the place I am right now. I kind of lost control and didn’t even realize what I was doing to myself until I saw that the “evidence” was literally ALL over my arm and now I also have massive bruises all over my body
The really fucked up thing is that i feel like it actually helped calm me down a little? 
Now I’m terrified because do have to go to school tomorrow and I don’t know what I’ll do if anyone finds out
I don’t know what to do.",moderate
dev_pid_2259,"I have the sudden urge to cut myself : I'm legit scared, I've never tried self harm but after scrolling through here I just have the urge to pull out my super sharp umbrella and just see what it feels like
 I don't know why I am suddenly really wanting to, It feels like when you randomly want to rewatch a show or play a game you haven't played it a while, that kind of feeling",moderate
dev_pid_2260,"I think I might have depression...idk what to do : for the past couple of months, I’ve been finding myself in these spells of sadness and sometimes nothingness that comes in waves. by nothingness, i mean i feel nothing, numb. nothing brings me joy, nothing brings me sadness. I honestly just feel nothing inside of me. & nothing I do brings me out of it and it really sucks when you put up such a front that everyone believes you’re the happiest person they know. i’ve tried talking to people about it but no one believes me and/or they think i’m just being over dramatic. but this is really something that’s been really hurting me and my relationships with people a lot and I can’t seem to overcome it. 
side note: I haven’t been diagnosed so please don’t come at me, i’m just trying to figure out how to manage what i’m feeling",moderate
dev_pid_2261,"What Do I Do? : 22 year old male, still living with parents, had opportunities and blew them, currently working at a factory/production floor part-time and hate it. Job hopped for most of my life and now some places won’t hire me in my hometown. Worked as a line-cook and actually enjoyed the environment there, it was at a casino and the people were great, co-workers were good and for once I actually enjoyed putting in overtime. Made real good money there and enjoyed the workplace. Got fired because of no-call no-show due to me getting arrested, something that was outta my control and it was due to a suspended license I didn’t know about, then went unemployed for 7 months until I landed this part-time factory work that pays more than my last job, but I’m not happy, father threatened to kick me out of the house if I quit and honestly I feel like giving up. I’m broke, I owe money and payments because of past mistakes, but even that isn’t enough to drive me to keep working. I’m at the brink of suicide, I’m sad as fuck and wanna blow my brains out, this is my last chance for hope if any, lemme hear you stories...",moderate
dev_pid_2262,"C*ronav*rus Depression : My city has been hit with ~~disease redacted.~~ Not as bad as some, but my office is so susceptible (I've been sick 5 times in a year since I started there, and once it was for 3 solid months), and I live with an elderly mother, and spend a lot of time living with my boyfriend, a smoker not in great health, and his elderly mother. 
I've been having crying panic attacks about it killing my mom (who also is a smoker and has neurological issues to boot). She's been separately depressed lately, and I've only been making it worse by being sad. I want to enjoy my time with her, but it's so hard because my intrusive thoughts have been getting worse and I can't stop imagining the inevitable phone call of her dying in her own sh\*t seizing out. Or my boyfriend. Or my other friends. Or even people in my office. My dad and his wife are traveling regardless and my dad got cancer removed from his arm recently.
Separately, one of my best friends recently stopped talking to me because my anxiety is ""a burden,"" essentially calling me a bad friend--even when I was there for her. She works with me, and that's on top of the other people at work who hate me because another ex-friend of mine (ours) lied about her being manipulative, and painted me as the bad guy. This feels so petty now with what feels like the end of the world--or at least the end of mine--and this is just the cherry on the sh\*t cake.
All of my ED garbage and self loathing and the actual *physical* depression that (I thought) my meds stomped out years ago are coming back in full force. I feel worthless and helpless. I need to see my doc asap to re-up on my meds, but now I don't even see the point. I don't want to die from this virus, and I'm too scared of the unknown to ever attempt s\*icide--nor could I morally do that to the people who love me. But I do just want to retreat in my thoughts and not exist, just be high as hell and not interact with anyone, to disengage. I used to be really good at dissociating emotionally but I'm not good at it anymore.
I just want it to end. I don't want to die but I don't want to exist. I think my world is collapsing in on me, and clearly, as my friend said, I'm a burden. Can't even enjoy time with my mom before she dies without bugging her out.
I dunno. I won't gain much from this. Guess I just powerleveled. I wish I could just disappear. Or never feel again.
**\*Linkin Park's ""Numb"" intensifies\***",moderate
dev_pid_2263,"""You're okay"" : No, quite frankly.. I'm the opposite of that. I'm a mess in the head and a freak. I spend every day trying to fit in with the crowd, but end up sticking out like a sore thumb. I try my hardest to just.. Get over it, and make it better. But I just cant seem to, and I feel like giving up because I've been giving it my 100 PERCENT for years, and I feel like I'm burnt out like a candle.",moderate
dev_pid_2264,"Suicide : Hey!
Alright, I'm not gonna hold you back since you're probably sitting down right now and complementing suicide - before I start, take a deep breath and relax.
I've had family, friends or strangers that I've met take their lives. It's no joke and its something to take seriously. Though, sometimes.. We cant anymore, we've given our best every day and we get nothing back in return and whats the point if there is no reward.
Well, there is a point. The point to show everyone that even in the darkest places, you are the **one** that stood up and showed everyone that was doubting you that you could take the hits. You could do it.
Most people that take their lives believe that nobody cares. If nobody truly cared, then nobody would find your body and report it. If nobody **TRULY** cared, then nobody would be at your funeral.
Again, most people that take their lives believe that there is no affect. They are wrong. If you look at those who've had a loved one take their life, then they will they you that there is a domino affect to this action. If you take your life, then close ones will be questioning themselves and trying to find out what they did wrong the rest of their life, and that ends them up in the gutter and it just drags on.
The point is, there is a reason to live and for the goddamn sake of my mentality, dont take your life because I care about you. I may not be able to see you through the screen, but trust me, and thats all I ask of you. 
If you feel like you are gonna do something disastrous, PM me or comment so I can PM you. If you dont want to sit there for hours and hear me rant/talk about random things, then call the suicide hotline @ 1-800-273-8255.",moderate
dev_pid_2265,"I just wish I could sleep forever! : It would be so nice not having to deal with any of this shit you know. I just want to sleep forever, away from the pain, responsibilities and all that shit.",moderate
dev_pid_2266,I died 2 weeks ago : I was supposed to jump off a tall bridge 2 weeks ago. I don't know why I didn't. I started telling myself that maybe tommorow things would get better. Nothing has changed. Nothing has happened. I'm still invisible. I'm having trouble finding a reason to live. There's nothing left to live for. I have nothing to look forward to.,moderate
dev_pid_2267,"It feels like everything is just spiraling out of control and I have no reason to feel this way but here I am : I was here just last week and I was hit with a depressive episode again but then I felt better for like 2-3 days and now it’s back and I’m tired of this, I lost all interest of my interests and I just have a hard time processing things and I’m losing track of time, I’ve been dealing with this for like 3 years and I don’t think I’ll ever get to a place where I get help, I’m stuck in this loop. God I’m so tired of this, I just want to escape.",moderate
dev_pid_2268,"My only friend basically called me a melodramatic bitch when I tried opening up to her about how suicidal I really feel : We are pretty good friends. We used to date. My depression was probably the reason we broke up in the first place. She always hated how negative and pessimistic I always was. This is like 3 years ago. We are really good friends now, pretty much my only friend. I sometimes mentioned that I'm feeling bad and depressed but I don't know how serious she took it all. Today I kind of tried to open up to her, telling her that it's really serious lately and that I don't know if I'll be able to keep on going this whole year, and that I'm not joking. What followed was basically me being ridiculed by her for being soooo melodramatic, always hating everyone and everything. I don't know how to deal with that response. I'm really upset about that reaction",moderate
dev_pid_2269,"I am in a weird phase, and I think talking about it will let me fall asleep. : It’s currently 3 AM, and I can’t go to sleep even though i have to wake up in 5 hours for a full day of college and studying and other work. 
Everyday, for over a week, I have been lying in bed and saying out loud to myself “I want to die.” or “I just wish I was dead rn.” and saying things to myself like “Not rn, but sooner than later I will end me.” and it’s weird, because I still get out of bed and do the work I need to, but I just want to be gone so bad. It’s hard when you can’t talk to your family bout this stuff, but I have reached a point where I am so disgusted with myself and everything I do is of little to no value. I am nothing. I was doing alright a couple weeks ago and now, it’s all gone. I have gone back to being the garbage failure I am. It sucks, and it’s upsetting. I just want to stop being such a useless piece of shit.",moderate
dev_pid_2270,"40 and empty : I'm able to take care of work, bills and act upbeat at work and in certain social situations, but when I'm by myself or with my girlfriend I feel frustrated, upset with myself and sometimes have thoughts of suicide.
I feel out of love awhile ago, feel guilty to admit. The woman in with seems to be my biggest fan and puts so much faith into me. Maybe my perspective is off, but I really think that she is emotionally dependent on me and it's a drain; I'm her only friend it seems. I feel obligated to keep her happy and entertained; it's exhausting.
I always thought that if I hit a certain mark in my career, gained some sort of financial independence (I have these things now) that this feeling of dispair would go away, but it hasn't. (I laugh at myself that I'm motivated to write this BS on a Reddit post...it's therapeutic in a way).
Some history: depression does run in the family. Lost my sister and an uncle to suicide. My father made an attempt. I used to cut, but now I strike myself in the head when I get frustrated. I was addicted to methamphetamine in my earlier 20s and have been clean from that about 17 years. Last year I suppose I broke my sobriety with psychedelics; they've admittedly been very helpful. I am able to see things clearly.
Not sure exactly where I'm going with this, but was just curious to see if there was a subreddit on depression and now that I see there is, I felt motivated to share a bit.
Take care everyone. 
Ambivalence sucks. In time, I will get off the fence. (Famous last words) no...ha! Seriously though.",moderate
dev_pid_2271,"I’m scared of being alone? : I’ve always been “boy crazy”. I haven’t been single since I was in middle school (college now) and it has always added some type of happiness to my life. I guess having someone other than my family, love me made me happy. I haven’t had a best friend since I was 10 and no one cares about me the way I care about people. I will go above and beyond to make others happy even a little but I never seem to impact anyone’s life. It’s like, if I am there, it’s okay but if I’m not, it wouldn’t matter. And it hurts because I know the presence of other people matters. 
My point is, my happiness Has always depended on having a boy loving me. It filled me with joy and happiness to know someone loved me so much and needed me in their life. and anytime I have an issue with my current boyfriend, it fills me with such anxiety and depression. Am I stupid for feeling this way? Last night I cut myself for the first time in almost a year. And it was over him. I wanted to end it. I keep telling myself I’m not like this because of a boy, but I am and that’s something I would never admit to anyone but people on the Internet who will never know me. 
I’m scared of being alone and I wish I was enough for myself. I wish my own presence was enough for me. Everyone says I need to learn to be happy alone and I try so hard. Days without my boyfriend seem okay but then they’re not. I don’t even know if he’s my boyfriend. We’ve had so many issues and my depression came back because of how bad my relationship with him was going. I’m seeing a therapist/psychiatrist right now and they both kind of agreed that I was depressed because of this boy and they kind of made it seem like it was stupid. And it is. But it hurts me so much that I feel this way. I feel so lost and alone and I have no energy to go on. It’s like my happiness is directly correlated with how well my relationship w a boy is going. I hate myself for being this way. He’s even said it before, that I’m scared of being alone. It’s true. I think. I don’t know anymore. I feel so stupid about everything. I don’t want to be here anymore.",moderate
dev_pid_2272,"nothing is right. : just turned 26.
everything is wrong in my life. nothing is right. 
didn’t finish school, don’t even have a bachelors. jobless right now but when I do work, it’s just stupid entry level jobs that won’t lead anywhere. just scraping by to pay the bills.
i’m too depressed to function on my own so medication is the only way but I can never find one that works.
i’m too exhausted to keep fighting. been sleeping a lot. my days all look the same. on some real Groundhog Day type shit.
my priorities are all fucked up. i’d rather date and go out with men and waste time with stupid sex-based relationships that lead nowhere than fix my life. 
i spend my time fantasizing and day dreaming of a better life instead of doing the work to get there. 
i really don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. why am i like this? 
Who knows how to contact the devil? I’m ready to sell my soul for success. I wish somebody would just take me. Use me. Do something with me. I don’t care to live life for myself.",moderate
dev_pid_2273,"Nothing will ever get better, no one wants to help, I give up. I give up. : ",moderate
dev_pid_2274,"Questioning Myself : I asked myself everyday. Why do I get hurt all the time by the person that I love? I asked myself why would they hurt me while I tried my best to give them to make their life easier.
I'm feeling so down tonight. I wish I know why? Why do I keep on feeling that I'm not good enough even though I have done so much for the people that I love.
Why would my exes cheated on me? Why do they keep on living me stranded, alone and hurt. It's my responsibility to heal myself from my trauma. But I can't do it on my own when someone that said they love me just hurting me with their words and actions.
I asked myself, am I that terrible? Am I not that worthy? Am I not good enough? Why? This feeling that I felt right now feels like that I just wanted to be disappeared from life. But in some way, I should stay alive for people who need me. 
When someone hurt you so much, why do I feel that I'm not enough? That I'm not worthy. That I'm not good enough for them, specially that one person that you thought that they will be the person that you can count on, to that person that promise you that he will takecare of you, to that person that promise that he love you? 
Do I really deserve this? What have I done that I deserve to be treated badly? What have I done that I deserve not to be love unconditional? 
I don't feel love from that people who said they love me. The unconditionally love that I have so far are from people that are friends. Other than that, it's a conditional love. A love that they give because they need me in their life to help them feel good about themselves, to support them financial, to give them comfort, to make sure that will always be love.
I'm so depress that why I do keep on failing in my love and relationship life with the person that I care about? Why would they hurt me so much? I wish they will not love me and just leave me and not make a move if they know that are not really true. Instead of making me have hope, but in the end it's just a fake hope because they don't truly love.",moderate
dev_pid_2275,Something doesn’t seem right. : Mental health professionals are supposed to be the safe-haven for the neuro-diverse. They put them on drugs and in therapy that encourages them to be less so this way.,moderate
dev_pid_2276,"It's probably common : I know things could be worse but I still have such a hard time with keeping up on hygiene. Showering seems like such a big deal. I hate how hard it seems. I have a hard time eating too. I have to force myself to. I have chronic pain, due to medical bills I'm filing for bankruptcy, I had seizures so I have to take keppra to be able to drive and it fucking causes depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm on an anti depressant too. So that's my situation. It's just nice to vent to people who get it. I'm starting counseling.",moderate
dev_pid_2277,"Anyone struggling might find this helpful, so here it is : \*No theory or claim in this letter is based on scientific fact or has been in any way proven. The theories presented are of my own creation and have not been tested in any way. 
As an individual struggling with depression, the search for happiness has gone hand in hand with a search for survival. Strugglers of serious depression spend their whole lives in search of happiness. Depression is a journey for happiness, unique to each individual. One main misconception about ""curing"" depression is that other people know how to guide you on your journey. Happiness doesn't have a formula. Any doctor that claims to have a method for curing depression is a waste of your time.   
Many non depressed people hold individuals to societal standards and if individuals meet these standards and are depressed, people look at them and wonder why. I'm not an exception. I attend a prestigious university, am very financially support by very well off parent, have never had to worry about any basic human needs, have tons of friends, a girlfriend, and I'm doing well in school. But I also sat on my be also nightly with a knife to my wrist edging ever so close to choosing the easy way out. I cry myself to sleep every night out of self loathing and when I wake up, my first thought of the day is is this going to be my last day? 
Naturally, given my well off parents, I received every treatment / therapy you could imagine in my quest to shake my depression. None of it had any effect. I continued down the path of following recommendations and such on the internet and from professionals; that path drove me deeper and deeper into depression. My depression got to the point where I wasn't even sure if I liked my intermediate family anymore. One day, I snapped. I just left. Not for long, only about 6 hours, but in those 6 hours, I learned more about the way life works than I had in my previous 20 years.
In those 6 hours I learned the most crucial lesson anyone could teach you: you know what's best for you and you alone can best medicate your mind. When it comes to your physical health, it is best to leave it to the professionals. This is because anatomically, most bodies are the same. They are made up of the same stuff and operate virtually the same way regardless of the human. But this is the exact opposite for the brain. 
Every brain on planet earth is distinct and unique. I would describe the brain using the 90/10 theory. 90% of the human brain is a result of evolution. We all have the same survival instincts and similar traits that have resulted in humans arriving where they are today. This area of the brain allows us to converse, eat, sleep, and do everything ""normal humans"" do. Your 90% is what makes you human. However, it is the 10% of the brain where you find uniqueness among individuals. Your 10% is who you are, what separates you from other humans. Ideally, individuals will let their 10% loose and really express who they are. This is unfortunately very far from reality. As I have pointed out and will continue to, society isn't good for the individual. Society is a competition for materialistic things in order to prove you are ""better"" than someone. Due to the competitive side that exists in the 90%, societal expectations take control over your 10%, hindering you from truly being you. More on the process of taking control of your 10% below.
I'm still developing my craft as a writer and couldn't find a great way to transition to this paragraph, so here's a really awkward and out of place sentence. Social classes have certain expectations within that class and you are considered a failure in some respects if you don't meet these expectations. For the son of an upper class white male such as myself, the expectations look somewhat like this: go to college, graduate, get a job, make money, get married, have kids, retire early because you are wealthy. It didn't occur to me until my sophomore year (I had been dealing with depression for multiple years at this point) of college ""what if I don't want to meet these expectations?"" 
For some this is going to be a lot harder than for others. Accepting that you no longer want to fit into these societal expectations will often be met with judgment and criticism from the people you thought were your closest friends, sometimes even family. I understand more than most just trying to fit in in order to feel good about yourself, but I promise you that once you pursue what you are genuinely passionate and excited about, you won't care about other peoples opinions of you. The people who truly care about you will stay by your side regardless of how you live your life.  
It is my belief that depression is somewhat systematic, meaning the society we live in promotes unhealthy standards of living leading to an increase in depression in younger people. Take the risk to be your own person. Own your 10%.  
The 3 big takeaways
* ""Good"" ""Happy"" ""Happiness"" are all relative terms. Just because something makes you happy, doesn't mean it will make someone else happy.
* This one is more directed at parents. I understand that if the child is younger it is your responsibility to raise your kid as you see fit (I am not a parent and am in no way trying to give parenting advise). That being said, once your kid reaches around college age, as I have, they're old enough to start formulating their own decisions. If your child has been depressed over the past couple of years and you play a big role in their life, as hard as it is to do, you need to step back and allow your kid to pursue what he/she wants to pursue, not what you want him/her to pursue or what you think he/she should pursue. I'm not saying step completely out of his/her life, but as your child matures, it is important to take more of an advisor type role. As tough as it might be to watch your kid fail, we need to learn from our mistakes and learn from them.
* You know what's best for you. Don't be afraid to pursue what you love to do. Own your 10%.
Again, this letter is from personal experience and everything said does not necessarily apply to everyone, or anyone for that matter. I've struggled through depression and feel like sharing this experience could potentially help out other individuals, so here it is. Any questions, feel free to comment!",moderate
dev_pid_2278,"I dont fucking know what to do anymore : Im was and still am too much of a fucking coward to kill myself, i have been delaying it because of that but it does me no good. The more i tried to deal with my problems the worse it got. Its my 3rd year now and i cant have a single day without at least a single fucking mental breakdown. I cant stop going to school or to keep trying but it never changes. Everytime i see a problem on the board i start shivering, the lessons i used to love feel like torture. No matter who i talk to from the school councelor or my parents they dont or cant to anything the help me. Its the usual shitty facebook quotes like talk. Be happy love yourself and shit.
Oh god please finally show me the light or allow me to hang from the fucking ceiling. Please dont leave me on the fence like this.",moderate
dev_pid_2279,"Nothing matters : Everything dies nothing matters, I’m stuck in a pause and my relationship is controlling me. I can’t fight back because I’m to scared way to scared. I am so alone I hate this feeling I only know one way to get rid of it please help",moderate
dev_pid_2280,"Hate myself too much to live but too scared to commit suicide. : 
Someone please convince me why I shouldn't end it all right now. I am probably the biggest failure of a son in the history of humanity. I am completely and utterly useless, perhaps worse than useless. I contribute nothing to my family. I am a financial burden to them because of my stomach disease. I have given up on myself. I am a jealous, good for nothing, hideous, ungrateful, stupid idiot and my parents don't deserve this.",moderate
dev_pid_2281,On my last strike : Have u ever felt so broken that u have utterly given up hope for anything? Like legit u dont even have motivation to eat? To shower?  Like the only reason u get out of bed is because ur supposed to and not because u want to? And even then u wait to the absolute last minute.  Im tired of being told that im unworthy....tired of the universe continually fuckin me over repeatedly....im tired of being full of tears but unable to release them.....faking being ok or worse tellin them that IM NOT OK and having that confession ignored......im on my last strike,moderate
dev_pid_2282,"Is it irresponsible to have a relationship and kids if the depression runs in the family : Let me start by giving a little context. My family is not the most mentally stable family out there. My father and his siblings all exhibited some form of mental illnesses. My aunt is diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Although my dad  always refused to see a professional, he shows clear signs of depression (I can’t tell the degree). My mom had seen a professional before and was diagnosed with major depression.
Me and my brother did not fall far from the tree either. My brother has shown the signs of apathy and he has been diagnosed with various degrees of depression. I have been experiencing depression in episodes. By now, I am familiar enough with the depression that I developed my own coping mechanisms. So far it has been pretty manageable. I have a fairly decent job, social circle etc. and I function to an acceptable degree (although maintaining these despite the depression sometimes feels like a chore and a half...)
The problem is I can’t form intimate and meaningful relationships with others. I had S.Os before and our relationship always suffered from my episodic depression. Now, every time there is a spark with someone, I feel like I should not pursue it as I don’t want to put the burden of my disability (seriously it feels like living with a disability by now) on them. It’s not obvious that I regularly suffer from depression and I feel like it’s not their problem to deal with. 
Also having a family history of mental illness kinda makes me wonder if it is a good idea to have a family of my own. If this thing really runs in the family, I would be dooming my kids to a broken life which they didn’t choose.
Is there anyone feel like this?",moderate
dev_pid_2283,"Stuck in a rut I can't get out of : I don't like to be negative, I feel like it just brings others down, but sometimes I just need to say how I feel and ehat I am going through. I am having difficulty functioning each day. I don't work because I was injured at work and left with a permanent injury. My husband goes to work at his minimum wage job with our only car and so I am left all alone. I don't have any family nearby. I don't have any friends here either, we recently moved from out of state. I just feel all alone and like life is pointless. We had to leave most of our stuff behind to move. I don't have any comforts like a tv, washing machine and dryer, couch, dresser, etc. I bought a tv second hand at a thrift store for $24. I tested it at the thrift store and it worked. After I got home, I plugged it in and it would not power on. The thrift store has a strict no refunds or exchanges policy. Money is tight, so I can't go buy another one. All I can figure out to do with my time is read books or go online on my phone (luckily my apartment has free internet). Sometimes I do a bit of coloring in adult coloring books, but I can only do so much coloring or scrolling online or other things that use my hands/arms because I have severe nerve damage in them. I can't do most hobbies other people enjoy due to the problems in my arms. I have little room to do any kind of exercise in my apartment. I have anxiety to go outside because I'd have to be on foot, and I know little about this new town and I have anxiety about crime, the Covid 19 virus goung around, etc, and I have next to no money to spend anywhere. There's not much within walking distance, no buses around, etc. We have a cat, but she kind of likes to do her own thing. Family works, has kids, etc and doesn't have much time to talk to me on the phone. I just feel so alone all the time, and like I have nothing to do with my time, and like my life is pointless. I can't volunteer because my disability pay doesn't allow it. I often find myself sleeping a lot to pass the time. I can't have children because I am infertile. I also can't do IVF because it is highly advised against because it may make my small brain tumor grow bigger. I just wish I had more things to occupy my time. I don't know what to do. I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I'm on medication, which helps, but life is just pretty meaningless when you always have nothing to do. Sometimes I do meditation, but I get bored of it. I get bored of everything because I have little to do with my time. I'm just hoping my situation will change, but I think it will take a long time. Any suggestions of what to do in the mean time?",moderate
dev_pid_2284,"I feel so unimportant. : I don't trust mental health services. Too many times have I been burned by them. I've been trying to get a psychiatric assessment for 3 months, due to me believing I may have BPD in addition to depression. No luck. I've been referred places, sure, but everytime, they turn me away for either being too severe or too mild of a case. My favourite line is when they say, ""sorry, this is an emergency clinic, so we have to turn you away."" Because at this exact moment I'm not going to kill myself.
I was so happy to finally see even a nurse after pulling tooth and nail to get somewhere, only for her to tell me to ""keep up the good work and wait for spots to open up"" on a program that has NO WAITLIST, is the only one of its kind in the city,  and doesn't tell people when they have open spots.
So, I would get better service if I tried to kill myself. People only really care when you're at death's door.",moderate
dev_pid_2285,"I think I’m ready and I just want to leave. : I have no ambitions or dreams. I am always losing friends, left and right. My parents don’t understand me. I’m tired of hearing “just go to psychiatrist and get some anti-depressants,” as if doping myself up every day will help with the actual problem that is MY mind. I can’t have anything good for myself, because I fuck everything up. I try to be positive, but I always feel my depression over my shoulder and just shitting on everything I want to believe in. 
People always say “you’re beautiful, you make friends so easy,” but I feel like the ugliest and fattest person I know. I never come first to anyone, and nobody ever really understands just how painful it is to live with depression. It’s not the same for everyone. For me, it’s literally like “I want to go to Japan,” and then immediately after I remember my lack of stable income and my mountain of student debt (also, no degree, a three time drop out because I was always breaking down.) Sometimes it’s “I want to maybe fall in love,” and then I hear this voice, distorted but my own, calling me an idiot and saying that no one will ever want me, you’re disgusting and unstable, you need to lose 20 pounds and maybe you’ll be decent. 
Do people really not understand the idea of your depression being you vs. every single one of insecurities on the most poisonous and obnoxious levels at all times? So much so that it becomes impossible to shut it out?
I can’t handle being alone either. I stare at my phone and realize I only have two people who are there for me, which is more than most. But I can’t help but feel like I’m a burden, always. It would be easier if their emo ass friend just disappeared. I’ve been feeling scared lately because .... all of my memories are mostly bad. Everything has been tarnished by my depression, one way or the other. I just can’t live day to day, trying to suppress tears every few hours. The idea of dying lately has brought a sense of calm to me, and that’s how I know I’m at the edge.
I just want it all to stop. I want to be a different person. I want to be normal. But instead I’m me, and sometimes I look in the mirror and just want to throw up. I truly do hate myself and I really, really hope I can make the decision to take my own life soon. I keep thinking about how I would like to die, and it soothes me. I don’t know if I want to overdose because I could always fuck up. I don’t want to jump because (haha) I’m afraid of heights and the spectacle. Lately, I’ve been considering carbon monoxide poisoning because I’ve heard it’s painless.
I’m already considering my methods of how take my own life and that’s how I know I’m ready.",moderate
dev_pid_2286,"I need help please : So a few days ago, my dad told me I had no friends, and I guess that statement kinda stuck with me and was a nagging thought in the back of my mind. I haven't cut since like last year, but yesterday I found myself crying because I realized that i do not have friends and I started to cut again, and depreciating my self-image. This is my 16th time trying to kms and I thought that I was better, but I am not. I currently am just keen on looking for help and Someone to talk to.",moderate
dev_pid_2287,"I suffocate inside and don't know what to do. : I am a 20yo male and I am living the hardest times of my life: my health is deteriorating after a surgery I had, I failed a major exam last year and I'm on my way to failing it again or barely making it to the bottom of the list, my ""friends"" do not care about me and instead always find some way to make fun of me, always treating me in a mediocre way while respecting each other, I never had a relationship...
I feel like my heart is being stabbed over and over, I wish I can go to a therapist but I cannot afford sessions with one, and maybe it's not the answer. So honestly I do not know what to do, and I suffer a lot.",moderate
dev_pid_2288,"I don’t want to be happy : So I have felt pretty down for a few months now, I no longer care about my helath or future. I have never been able to skip school before in my life but now it’s starting to become a normal habit for me. 
I keep wishing that I could disappear. I wouldn’t really like to take any ”violent” action to end it all but I keep filling my bedroom with deoderant hoping to get cardiac arrest in my sleep or tightening a belt around my throat to slowly decrease the oxygen supply in my body, things like that.
I don’t want to get help or tell my parents etc. I live about 190 miles/300km away from my entire family it takes about 10hrs to travel there so I rarely see them and I moved here to attend school. 
I don’t really know what to do anymore, I don’t think anything excites me anymore and everything I look forward to just disappoints me in the end.",moderate
dev_pid_2289,"i have started cutting again : i started to cut again, i havent done that since last year and I just dont want to live anymore.
i just want to talk to someone, i dont have many friends that are willing to talk to me about this",moderate
dev_pid_2290,"What is the best way to be put on medicine for depression? : I tried going through a primary care physician but he recommended I try therapy first. I have tried therapy but it didn’t end up helping at all, it actually made me feel worse in the long run. Should I try a different PCP? Or maybe a quick trip to a psychiatric hospital? Anyone have any recommendations let me know. I’ve been struggling with depression for years and don’t want my life to end before it’s started and I’ve seen antidepressants work for almost everyone I’ve known that’s taken them",moderate
dev_pid_2291,"how i know that it’s getting bad again : i wrote this in early December, nothing has changed since then but i thought i’d share this hoping someone can relate.
you wake up the next morning, hoping the pain from last night isn't lasting. the moment you open your eyes you finally realize. it all strucks you at once, it's like a dark hole that's sucking you up but your trapped. you can't get out of this dark hole, you keep trying to get up but all you can see is blackness. you turn to wake up but your head keeps telling you just a little longer. you just think your tired. you finally get up forcing yourself to go on with your day. you may have slept in hoping sleeping might somehow make it go away. it strikes you again, you feel powerless. everything you can ever think of makes you sad, all you can see is the negative. your brain is stuck on the intrusive thoughts of sucicde, death, hopelessness, loneliness, unworthiness. every little thing makes you angry, and upset. all you wanna do is just sit there and cry. soon this feeling will repeat, and repeat, and repeat. it won't stop repeating, but somehow you go numb to the feeling. you accept it. you stop going out, you stop doing anything. everything that ever mattered to you just disappears. the only thing that matters is dying and the blood that manifests in my arms. you cry until you can't feel much longer, you cut until there is no more space left on both of your arms. depression sickness me but all i can do is say i'm okay. you can't reach out because no one understands. it feels as if you're crazy, maybe even insane. you beg for help because all you wanna do is die but deep down inside you know you wanna stay alive. depression finally passes. it leaves you fucked, you can't stop thinking about it. it's as if you miss it. you want it back, you miss the feelings but somehow you mangaged to go numb from them. you still wanna die, just not as bad. you still wanna cry, but not as bad. soon you relapse again, i have many times. they tell you it gets better, they tell you people care, they tell you mental illness matters, but when you say something about it no one seems to ever care. you may not be able to see my depression, there's no physical signs. there's no fever, runny nose, however it's still there rather you see it or not. soon you get addicted to anything, anyone who can make this horriblely terrible feeling somehow go away. addiction happens, you'll do anything for a get away. drugs makes you finally feel. however you need to quit. you need to stop stalling and get help. drugs doesn't numb it forever. the feelings do come back no matter what. every time something good happens all i do is sigh. i never expect any good things. i hate my life and i’ve surely accepted that the universe is against me.",moderate
dev_pid_2292,It seems worthless to live. Not living seems much better that living with pain. Don’t see a reason to live rn. : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_2293,"I have thought long and hard about it and I have decided NOT to seek therapy... :  There are numerous conflicts, thoughts, traumas, and stresses that I carry withinh my mind each and every day. One would say that a therapist might help...
BUT it's not that easy.. I mean, there are MANY things that I would NEVER be comfortable telling ANYONE. These things are infact pivotal to all the mental torture I am facing.. These are some dark secrets that I just can't tell anyone... Keeping them inside me is a burden but I guess I'll just have to find a way to live with them.. Because just the thought of sharing them gives me the chills..",moderate
dev_pid_2294,What am I doing wrong : Honestly what is it. I just don‘t get it. I have such a bad mood out of nowhere. I‘m in a mental hospital for 4 weeks now (I was going in here at my own will) and suddenly I just wanna get out of here. It‘s killing me here.,moderate
dev_pid_2295,"it’s not worth reading I just need to vent : I want to kill myself. I don’t think I’d follow through on it ever, I also think I’m just emotional and tired right now. 
I just feel like I should not exist. I don’t want to exist. I don’t want to take part in anything right now. I don’t think it would be worth it. I crave so much attention but the people whose attention I could ask for is too toxic to have in my life. I am dragging down the people near me. I fear telling them that I am suicidal because I am afraid of the way they might look at me. I’ll be fine eventually I just feel like I don’t have the strength at this moment in time right now. 
I’m going to try going the gym tomorrow so maybe I’ll feel better. The loneliness is crippling. Who do I turn to when I only have myself? Sorry for anyone reading I just needed to put my thoughts somewhere... for attention or whatever I guess.",moderate
dev_pid_2296,"I can't do this anymore : I just can't. Over a month ago, my (now ex) boyfriend broke up with me and said he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I was going through a rough time, was kind of suicidal but I was still trying to get better for his sake, before he broke up with me. He walked out on our relationship but kept contact for about a month after to celebrate our anniversary (????) and tell me he still loves me. I don't get it, I don't get any of it. I've been losing interest in everything, losing interest in being alive. I'm in so much pain and the pain won't stop. I don't see an end to the pain. I've pushed away my friends and family, so now I'm all alone. All I can think about is him and how much I want to be with him but can't.. It's eating me alive and the only way out that I see right now is suicide. That scares me, I don't know what to do. Please help.",moderate
dev_pid_2297,"cold, hungry, thirsty, painful, helpless, alone, tired, hopeless, worried, sad, desperate, angry, confused, pain pain pain pain pain : [removed]",moderate
dev_pid_2298,"If I disappeared today, would it really matter? : I’m just too tired to go on, but at the same time I’m too tired to end it. 
I always thought about this but with the quarantine I just realised it is true. My friends never felt close to me, just like the only two relationships I have ever been in. They never cared about me, to the point where I even asked for help and they just turned a blind eye. 
And my family isn’t any better. 
I don’t know what to do, and I believe it won’t matter if I do something or not.
I’m sorry if my English isn’t good, it isn’t my first language.",moderate
dev_pid_2299,"Humans : Asked help on reddit but end up getting shat on. I feel like this happened constantly at work and in real life. Thought I could turn to Reddit but sometimes, it feels the same too. Suicidal af and really trying my best to treat everyone nice. Sad part is, others only ever treat me like trash and without respect. I’m just trying to be kind, why the hell are people so darn mean",moderate
dev_pid_2300,Give me one reason to live : [removed],moderate
dev_pid_2301,"I wish I never existed : All I do is make things worse for my family. I just stress my mom out. I’m waste of money. All I do is annoy my older brother and I’m a jerk to my little brother. All my cat does is just piss my dad off. It makes me feel responsible for the way she acts. The only things that keep me from just dying are my cat, and video games. My cat because she loves me, and video games because they help me release stress. I feel like that glonk thing. I’m better off dead. My family probably hates me.",moderate
dev_pid_2302,"Lockdown has made so depressed : Help me, I feel so low, I thought I was making progress but this is killing me. Every day I feel as if I get worse and worse  my motivation to work from home is now completely gone.
I just feel like a zombie, this is taking me back to my really dark days again.",moderate
dev_pid_2303,"Am i just being dramatic? Do i really feel this way? : So I've been struggling with depression for a few years (17 atm). But i still don't know why i feel like this, I have a good life; no problems with money, supportive friends and family, decent grades. All i need basically, but I'm absolutely miserable and feel guilty because people are suffering. Being abused, evicted,  loss of loved ones to name a few then you get me with a normal life being a depressed slump with absolutely zero motivation to do anything other than sleep and watch Netflix. I'm sick of feeling like this, but there isn't a reason, which is why I'm doubting it's  severity.
Idk where I'm going with this, but i just want it to stop. Why can't i feel joy or accomplishment? Why do I feel so so lonely and disconnected from everyone around me? Why does there seem to be a massive gap in my life that i can't fill? 
Enough of the rant, thankyou to anyone who has read this far, idk if anyone feels the same way. Any help is appreciated.",moderate
dev_pid_2304,"Just another day of dealing with Depression. Just getting to me today and I just hate myself. Also, I really want some attention and to be flirted with : Title kinda says it all. Just a little vent. I just hate myself and want to disappear but I also want attention and people to flirt with me. Depression is weird.",moderate
dev_pid_2305,"I just want to vent a bit, nothing special please move on. : Hi, this is obviously throwaway account but I really need to write this to someone, why not to you.
Before the Covid-19 pandemic after college I started working in a job which has nothing to do with 5 years of education I got, it's a low skill job but I need something to pay for living. Got a girlfriend which I had crush for years and loved for a long time. We had ups and downs manly because of her character but it was going well. She started working in academic field. After that I realized she was not talking with me about her feelings or any stuff which bothered her, she rather talk with a coworker.
And here we are now, 1.5 month after lockdown and she just don't give a damn about talking to me, asked her via text message what is going on but second week she just ignores me. I don't bother to call her because she won't anwser.
During college I struggled with low self esteem and some mental problems, I fought it hard and got better at the end. But right now I know I wasted 5 years of education, work in a job which pays just enough to cover my monthy expenses and very little savings. Love deeply a girl which doesn't give a crap about me which hurts and was just a catalyst which threw me here. I live in a big city which is pretty expensive and to be honest I have nobody here, all my friends from college just went their ways, I stayed here because of the girl and now what else do I have here? Big expenses and nothing else.
I found that 2 glasses of wine after work is a great way to get to sleep, and do nothing else, it gets me just enough drunk to get some sleep, woke up with a low hedache and after hydrating myself easily going to sleep again till morning.
Right now I just exist, have nothing, mean nothing and seriously consider how a failure of a man I am. I have high blood pressure and need to take medicine daily, if not in a couple of years there may be a problem but I don't bother with taking it, I have no future, I see no future and the world is going to be the same place with or without me because there's nothing I bring of a value now.
I know I won't kill myself but right now I neglect my health to a point which in long term will bring me to premature end but hey, I don't give a crap right now, let future me handle all health problems current self throw at him.
tl;dr:
25 years old, masters in biology, works in a job which monkey could do, have nothing but expenses in a place of living. Have no friends. 
I know you people here have bigger problems but I wanted to vent a bit, it's not a full story of myself, there are things I won't tell in this post but it is just enough I felt comfortable telling.
Have a great day all of you internet strangers.a",moderate
dev_pid_2306,"Shit fucking day : Having the shittest day, don't know how to cope with this shit anymore. Feel like just disappering, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'd kill myself, but the only reason i don't is because it would hurt my mother and father so much. Any kind words to help me get through this is much appreciated. Hope someone is having a better day than me.",moderate
dev_pid_2307,Do you ever feel trapped? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2308,Has anyone tried omega 3 fish oil capsules? : I came to know omega 3 is very good for brain so i was wondering what people in this community think about it?,not depression
dev_pid_2309,"Im trying to study for my entrance exams but : I decided to say fuck you to my inner voice that always says that its useless and you will never pass , i uninstalled all my games which i use to escape from my responsibilities for a while i also started to read my textbooks and tried to solve the problems but if i couldn't solve a problem my brain phases out an d latches onto something else i also get really frustrated and leave the problem is there anyway to stop this i really want to change my life and say fuck you to an old bully who said i won't pass this ,thank you.",not depression
dev_pid_2310,Welcome to your Anxiety Attack : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2311,Welcome to your Anxiety Attack : The very visceral and disorienting experience of living with Anxiety & Depression. You are not alone... https://youtu.be/-mbw78p0w5w,not depression
dev_pid_2312,"Pushing people away : Anyone else feel like they’ve pushed EVERYONE (family,friends,etc) away? I was diagnosed with severe depression with major anxiety. I’m bi-polar I suppose? (Crappy dr so I never got the full answer) I’ve started to feel like I have this destructive streak and have literally pushed everyone away. It’s got me curious...am I the only one who feels like that?:/",not depression
dev_pid_2313,Why do I feel so awkward and sad after sex? : This guy friend of mine and I had sex a couple hours ago. During the act I'm happy and having a good time and all that. However afterward I just feel so awkward and guilty. He has a collection of shot glasses (he travels for work and always gets one from all the places he visits). I told him that instead of cumming in the condom he should cum in a shot glass. So I put a shot glass between my boobs and he came in it and I drank it lol. It's not the first time I had sex with him but I just feel so awkward and weird especially the whole shot glass thing. After we were done we laid in his bed and we kissed and he told me that he loves me then he fell asleep. We have always jokingly said I love you to each other but I'm not sure what love he means anymore. We are both in our late twenties.,not depression
dev_pid_2314,"Just lost my uncle. Completely devastated : My uncle, Larry just passed away due to a sudden cardiac arrest a few hours ago. I am completely devastated when got the call from my parents, and I feel so guilty that I couldn’t fly back for the funeral since he’s back in Ireland and I am in the US. Hearing my dad cry is just so heartbreaking, he was such a genuine and caring lad and he would make everyone laugh. He was more than an uncle to me, he was my brother, my teacher. My girlfriend also dumped me a few days ago for no reason. I am in complete despair. Life seems meaningless. I pray everyday and they’re never answered. I am ugly and will never find love. I try so hard to be happier, optimistic, and I’m tired of putting on this facade of being happy and cheerful. I really can’t see the light anymore. I’m sorry.",not depression
dev_pid_2315,😷 : I never want to rely on anyone but it’s lowkey what I always have and probably will do,not depression
dev_pid_2316,"I feel like nothing has ever mattered : Today it finally happened, I reached the point of no point of no return. My family has broken me, I have no ability to feel emotions anymore, and not even alcohol will save me. I have no ability to live. There's no hope, and you might as well give up. The end
P.S. You're fucking worthless, sorry that's life :(",not depression
dev_pid_2317,"Hygiene Question : So I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder shortly after high school, but I have had them since around 4th or 5th grade, maybe even longer. Brushing teeth and showering are the biggest chores for me. I rarely brush and I sometimes go weeks without a shower. I know it's gross. I know I eventually have an odor, but it's just not enough to make me shower or brush. Is there something I can do to ease my anxiety and frustration over my hygiene? Are there ways of making the tasks seem less overwhelming/exhausting? Idon't know why I am like this, I wish I wasn't, but some tips and advice would be greatful. It's enough that I'm not very productive, but my bad hygiene tends to be an embarrassment and I feel ashamed that I can't function like a normal human sometimes.",not depression
dev_pid_2318,"Hygiene Question : So I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder shortly after high school, but I have had them since around 4th or 5th grade, maybe even longer. Brushing teeth and showering are the biggest chores for me. I rarely brush and I sometimes go weeks without a shower. I know it's gross. I know I eventually have an odor, but it's just not enough to make me shower or brush. Is there something I can do to ease my anxiety and frustration over my hygiene? Are there ways of making the tasks seem less overwhelming/exhausting? Idon't know why I am like this, I wish I wasn't, but some tips and advice would be greatful. It's enough that I'm not very productive, but my bad hygiene tends to be an embarrassment and I feel ashamed that I can't function like a normal human sometimes.",not depression
dev_pid_2319,"Why does being an introvert have to be a thing? : Too shy to talk to people, especially women.
No confidence.
Quiet and higher pitched voice.
Hate being alone but gets uncomfortable in highly social situations.
I would give anything to be one of these people that can just talk to a random stranger.
I hate being this way.
It's why I ended up a dystheist/misotheist.",not depression
dev_pid_2320,"Bad people prosper : As much as I’ve held out hope even while being miserable inside and suicidal, I’ve learned that horrible people always prosper and win. My ex cheated and abused me for years, which spiraled my depression down a deep pit. A few years later, I’m alone and feel like dying daily. She remarried, has kids, brand new house, new vehicles.",not depression
dev_pid_2321,"Just to take out what I feel : Like one week ago I wrote a cart to my mom saying how I was feeling for a really long time ago ( It's really difficult to me to say how am feeling, and the most of the time I finish crying ) she took it fine, but the most of the time she thinks am just sad, it's just a face and that really make me mad. I want to go to a therapist and really get better. I mean I try to be fine and it works for a while but then everything stars again the throughs, feeling hopeless, I start to separate everyone, I barely eat and the most difficult thing is to get up from bed. Anyone feeling this way? What do you do when this happen? Have a lovely day.",not depression
dev_pid_2322,depression is real (Spotify playlist) : [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Yu2ynndFtdS8ki6YjLmDu?si=DVWFJXNiTt-C4jd7fZTQjw](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Yu2ynndFtdS8ki6YjLmDu?si=DVWFJXNiTt-C4jd7fZTQjw),not depression
dev_pid_2323,"Any healthcare/medical workers out there? : I’ve been in this field for almost 6 years. I’m starting to question whether this is the best field for me and my mental health. Granted, I had depression and anxiety from before I was in this field so I know this is not the sole cause. But I can’t help but wonder if I would be happier with a job that didn’t give me as much stress and wasn’t so demanding. 
Is it the job itself? Is it the amount of hours I work? Or is it just me?
I love my job. I help people. It makes me feel fulfilled. But I wouldn’t say it’s my ideal job. Am I just blaming my job for my unhappiness?
Has anyone left the healthcare field? All advice and comments are welcome. 🙏🏼",not depression
dev_pid_2324,"Today I felt the sun on my face and felt like everything would be okay : I get way worse depression over winter (UK), this year it's been the worst it's ever been due to family and financial issues and stress from my masters. It's been difficult to leave the house recently, but I just got outside and could feel the sun's warmth on my face for the first time in months and just felt this overwhelming sense that it would be okay. Anyone out there struggling, you will have a moment like this sooner than you think, when you realise you are going to be okay.",not depression
dev_pid_2325,"I almost dropped out of high school, now after a year of mental health care I'm going to university : If my parents didn't use their tough love to force me to attend school I wouldn't have finished it. The idea of university scares the crap out of me still but now I'm ready for it.",not depression
dev_pid_2326,"Bruh : We must face our reality and not fool ourselves like: a gf would fix me, friends, money, pets.. We need to focus on the present and don't obyerthink shit. A gf is nice, but things never go 100% right, if so, something moght be wrong lmao. Friends are nice, but they get you in trouble, ignore you, etc. Money gives you stability and it's important, won't argue with that, but if ypu eant more than stabilty but no willing to ezperience new shit, forget it. Just try to focus on the present, and enjoy your little shit. Let's gooooo!!",not depression
dev_pid_2327,For all that are hurting and feel lost. Hope this helps : https://youtu.be/5QIUqkhaPCg,not depression
dev_pid_2328,"Just wish somebody cared : I know it’s selfish but I just kinda wish somebody I knew would actually care enough to actively try and help me. I obviously don’t expect anyone to as it’s not there problem and I don’t exactly help myself but I genuinely feel all I need is somebody to just give a shit about me and I’d be able to have the motivation to get better. Instead I’m just gonna end up killing myself and for a while, other than my family, nobody would even notice.",not depression
dev_pid_2329,"So.. this is what's going on with me.. : So when this started, i had a healthy social life, i was in pretty good shape & had quite a few options ahead of me. A solid job that had me making a decent living & was just a pretty well rounded person. & now.. well..
I met my girlfriend on Tinder in 2017. It wasn't like most matches, she was cute, caring & a real pleasure to talk to. I didn't have a car at the time, so as a 27 year old man, I had my mom drive me to her (21f at the time) Parents house so she could come spend the weekend with me & with our parents meeting immediately it set the bar for the future to be laid out easier..
The spark was immediate and I hadn't felt like this about anyone in years.. passion,  love, need. All in 2 weeks.. The next week she drove back to see me, all the same phases were repeated.. she was the one.. she moved in 1 week later, fast I know.. But being young-ish, we didn't care. 
Fast forward 4 months of a perfectly balanced wonderful relationship. I tear my shoulder up at work pretty badly, was out of work for 2 months.. then when I tried to go back to my job, they said I didn't go through the proper channels & that I abandoned my job and wouldn't let me come back.. even after 3 years of dedicated service.  It sent me into a spiral of depression & anxiety to the likes of me having to take medication now.. my one bright spot through it all has always been her.. 
I went without work for a year and a half.. giving up sometimes, getting turned down for easy positions & getting more depressed, but she stuck with me through all of the bad.. there were fights, but we always made up.. 
About 6 months ago we moved in with one of my best friends in NY (We're from OH) and it turned ugly with him quick. So in the process of the stresses involved with the move to a new state then back in with my mom our relationship took a big blow.. I was without work but dedicated myself to finding a job. 
As soon as we moved back I found a job. It was going great but being out of work so long, the activity I was doing caused a severe infection in my foot after a blister burst during a night of work. I called off one night to go to the ER & was fired 3 days later.. more depression ensued.. But still she stayed.. 
2 months ago, my landlord offered me a job at a pizza place he owns... I didn't want it.. at all, but to better my life & our relationship I took it and have been there since. Busting my ass for bad pay but still making enough to provide for my family. 
Seems like things are looking up for me, right? Well tonight 4 hours ago to be exact, after a terrible day/night at work I walk into my bedroom & see a statue of a woman.. I ask if she's okay.. she says yes, but I can see in her eyes this isn't the case. I push because I care & I want to right any wrong that has happened to her. 
She stares.. I say ""you want to break up don't you"".. she tells me to sit down. We've been talking for hours.. But she says it isn't me.. It's her.. she never took time to be a single adult & work on herself & I'm a crutch that she feels terrible about using.. So she's leaving.. 
The ambition came from nowhere, and while I'm proud she's taking life more seriously, the fact that she's leaving me to do so is killing me inside.. 
I feel like it isn't real.. like.. I'm watching it happen to someone else.. But as I've helped separate our things for the last 2 hours, I'm spiraling into depression again. I took a Xanax to calm my anxiety so I didn't full on break down.. But I don't feel right and part of me is afraid I won't ever feel alright again. 
I don't even know why I'm writing this.. I just relived my past 2 and a half years in 5 minutes of typing on a phone and now my heart hurts.. my stomach hurts.. my mind is racing.. what do I do now.. we we're planning on getting married.. now I won't even feel the pressure of her side of the bed anymore.. she won't be there for me when I need her to keep my head from falling off.. I can't say ""hey babydoll"" & have her ask what's up with a big smile on her face... I can't imagine falling asleep without her.. And now I'm going to have to do it every night.. 
I hate this.. I hate me.. I'm lost. 
Forgive me if this is a rambling mess.. But that's pretty much what I am at this point.. A mess.",not depression
dev_pid_2330,For all that are hurting and feel lost : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2331,Not feeling okay : https://youtu.be/db1a8lT5JlQ,not depression
dev_pid_2332,"working a 9 to 5 job depresses me : I can't live like this anymore. My life isn't mine. Everytime I think about going to work my depression makes me unable to think and move. My depression is not some vague disease with a ""biological"" cause. My life circumstances cause it. I just want to be free. I don't want to work my entire life for someone else. I want to live. I've always hated to be controlled. I hate to have my life taken away from me. Nothing is ""sick"" about that. I have to work so much and then I spent my money on rent and food. It's like I'm just keeping myself barely alive so that other people can benefit from my labour. I don't want to waste my youth with a 9 to 5 job. This can't be everything. This shouldn't be everything. I just see no point in living if I don't live for myself. And retirement is a fucking scam. I'm so done with this bullshit lmao",not depression
dev_pid_2333,"Honestly im not special im just stupid : I dont care what any teachers or parents say autism is a fucking mental disorder that holds people back, im not diferent im just an idiot who cant do anything right exept strange useless tasks like remembering number im mean jesus christ shut the fuck up im not special im just another form of retarded",not depression
dev_pid_2334,Anyone else feel like every single week is just the same dumb shit as last week : For me I have to go to school 5 days a weeks and get a 2 day sanity break then it all just repeats. And in that whole week I don’t get anything done. I come home and just eat and play Xbox. What is the fucking point.,not depression
dev_pid_2335,"Having a BFRB isn't quirky it's debilitating. : I'm typing this post with one hand right now, the other is in my mouth as I bite down on my own skin making it bleed. Not fun right? Well to some people they like to pretend it's a quirky personality trait. I know it's hurting me and I don't want to hurt myself like this but it's something I can't avoid.
I have a range of different BFRBs including, Dermatophagia, Trichotillomania and Dermatillomania. 
Dermatophagia - skin biting 
Trichotillomania - the urge to pull out hair from different areas of the body 
Dermatillomania - urge to pick skin
These are the basics of what mine are. Many people aren't educated on the illnesses. I wasn't either until a few years ago when I came across an article on Quora. My symptoms instantly matched and I was finally able to understand my strange behaviours that I've had as long as I can remember.
My problem here is that people treat it as a joke and think it's cool to fake. Yeah it's super call that I don't wear my hair down in case I have a bald patch or have an easier way to pull out my hair. It's super cool to pull out your eyelashes to the point that your eyelids bleed. It's super cool to have people stare at your hands with tiny cuts and bruises covering them. 
This disorder of mine makes me want to take my life. It's not a fucking quirk, it's life ruining. Please stop pretending to have illnesses for a conversation starter.
I'm sorry for posting this here, I don't know where else to say it. Thank you for reading I really appreciate it.",not depression
dev_pid_2336,"One man's dark view : I joined as a door-kicker, an infantryman. Specifically a rifleman in the Marine Corps.
After experiencing the military and a combat deployment to Afghanistan, my personality has shifted drastically from who I used to be. Before the military, I had a very active mind in politics, preserving the Earth, idealistic and optimistic. I cared, I volunteered and had a bright view of the world, sure it wasn't perfect but I had a passion for life and helping those around me. This old me attracted my high school sweet-heart and we had incredible experiences together. Her aspirations to start her own charity warmed my heart, we shared ideas of how we could serve the needy in the future, so much planning and so many deep discussions.
 I recognized a shift in my personality a couple years into the Marines. As I was faced with the hardships that come with the military and the eventual experience of war itself, I noticed I was more and more pessimistic as time progressed. I became jaded, angry, and cynical of the world around me. Slowly, life's value began to diminish for me, I valued my own life less and less. Of course I kept my brothers' lives above mine, as Marines our jobs is to make sure we get each other home alive and safe. That gave me a purpose and held me up. But as before, I believed myself to be an impactful individual on the world and politics around me, now I see myself as meaningless. We are born to die, the world will die, and I don't matter in the long run. It doesn't matter if I vote, it doesn't matter if I recycle, I will die and so will everyone else.
As I changed, I created a distance between me and my former love. She became ever more involved in politics and activism, growing an even greater love and passion for life and people. Her spark grew into a roaring fire, while mine was quietly diminished into cinder. We began to argue a lot more, my apathy was affecting our relationship. I just didn't care anymore, I changed into an apathetic, angry person with a dark and cynical view of the world. I was a cold individual unable to express my emotions properly. I stopped doing things with her, spending more and more time alone. The only time we did anything was on the weekends when we would have sex. Eventually she had enough and left after half a decade together. I went into Afghanistan in the worst mental state ever, and I became bloodthirsty and homicidal.
Afghanistan was an experience, one that I find myself missing. The worst yet best time of my life. A young man spending part of his prime in a God forsaken shit-hole. I didn't care about the Afghan people, I didn't care about the politics, I didn't care about ""hearts-and-minds"", I just wanted to kill. In a way, I wanted to relieve all the anger and stress built up, even if it was in retrospect a sick and twisted way of thinking. We dropped bombs on buildings, we called in gun-runs, anything to rack up the Taliban body count. I watched Taliban bodies fly into the air after being hit by rockets and landing with a satisfying splat, almost as if it was wet rag doll missing half of its body and instead of stuffing, organs and bones sloshed out. Of course it was inevitable civilian and even friendly Afghan forces would be collateral damage, but we always swept that under the rug as best we could. Life is meaningless in a place where violent deaths were accepted as normal everyday occurrences.
Fast forward to now, I am struggling with depression. To what extent, I don't know, I don't ask for help except for that one time I called the suicide hotline. I don't think I have PTSD, at least no symptoms have manifested themselves. My ex has gone on to be even happier with someone else, I have no more purpose in life after leaving Afghanistan because all my friends got home safe. I firmly believe the world is doomed and humanity is destined to die out with a whimper, a small and relatively unnoticeable stain left behind in this universe. Why am I still here? I guess I just don't have the courage to end it, some part of me still wants to believe for the better. Maybe I still have some optimism left buried deep inside me, I don't know. I'm just going day to day, maybe I accepted that life has no meaning and I'm content, maybe I'm just truly apathetic, I don't know.
I am not asking for anyone to reach out to me, I only wrote this as a means to express myself publicly. This is a throwaway which I will probably never use again after this singular post. Thanks for reading.",not depression
dev_pid_2337,I HAVEN'T SLEPT ALL NIGHT I JUST WANNA SLEEP GOD DAMMIT : I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SLEEP FOR 7 HOURS I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE I CAN'T BE STUCK WITH MY OWN THOUGHTS ANYMORE I HATE MYSELF IM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF I HATE EVERYTHING,not depression
dev_pid_2338,"i feel like no one honestly cares about my problems : I’m homeschooled and lacking in social skills, so it’s extremely hard for me to make new friends. I joined a streamer’s discord server 2 years ago and i met a few people who are the only people i talk to now other than family. they’re usually pretty good friends, but whenever i have a panic attack or a breakdown they’ll just reply with “calm down”, “drama queen”, or just not reply at all. I’m pretty sure they only have me around because i can be funny sometimes, and they don’t actually care about me or my problems at all.",not depression
dev_pid_2339,"The meds and 'weird' dreams : I feel like I wake up more exhausted than when I go to sleep
My dreams are.... Very consistent
I'll have just one long dream instead of 'hoping' from one to another
All the mundane is shown, walking from place to place in real time, etc
It's less of a dream, and more of inhabiting the body of myself on a different timeline
Like jumping from timeline to timeline, seeing what the world is like
And I wake up... Soo exhausted. Mouth dry.",not depression
dev_pid_2340,"I can't take care of myself. : I hate myself. I can't bring myself to floss or brush my teeth, I haven't properly showered in weeks or washed my hair. My room is a complete mess and I feel as if my family sees me as a disgusting pest, not a family member. I don't know how to start functioning again. I am also diagnosed with bulimia and my eating issues make me even more depressed. How do I get out of this mess? My doctor doesn't want to change my anti-depressants but they aren't freaking helping! I'm only 15, I should be out with friends or some shit. Instead I am stuck in this self destructive state where absolutely nothing matters.",not depression
dev_pid_2341,"The ripple effects of bullying : I was bullied through my entire school experience, and grew up in a toxic household which involved me being the family scapegoat and pretty much my whole family unleashing and bullying me as well. For much of my childhood I felt like nobody loved me or even liked to be around me. I was quiet and weird, played with bugs in the dirt and messy but I can genuinely say all I ever wanted was a friend or someone to be nice to me. Luckily, I’m out, I live with a group of beautiful people and have some incredible friends. Unfortunately my brain will constantly tell me there is something else going on, like that everyone hates me, are trying to find a way to weed me out of the friendship group, people are only pretending to like me because they feel bad for me. I take every piece of information and spin it in my brain to mean I’m about to be screamed at, talked about, or cast aside. I love all my friends so genuinely and deeply, but I just cannot accept inside that they love me the same way. It’s all me as well, nothing of their actions would suggest this is the case when I have space to look at the situation rationally. But when I’m in it and the thoughts start I cannot bring myself to think in any other way than that I am about to be fully outcast and I am not worthy of friends. It’s selfish and stupid. Does anyone else feel this way? What do you do to help yourself in the moment, if that’s at all possible?",not depression
dev_pid_2342,"Heavy pressure on chest : Okay so whenever I’m in a rut I used to get this really bad pressure on my chest. It felt as if someone was pressing down on it and the only way I can relieve it is if I take a deep breathe/sigh. I’ve gone to the doctor about it and she told me it was anxiety related. However I’ve started to feel it more and more lately, like everyday and it prevents me from doing study/work. Other people (who suffer with depression/anxiety) I’ve spoken to about it don’t seem to have this “symptom”. Was hoping some of ye have an idea about this :)",not depression
dev_pid_2343,"Working theorem demonstrating My Birthday = (anxiety * depression)^2 : It has already been proven that traumas can manifest as a variety of psychological irregularities in later years. The evidence is so overwhelming that I'm abandoning this bit and going with a stupid talk show.
Today on *I'm a Self Loathing Piece of \*audible gasp\** ""I never learned how to develop healthy relationships maybe related to not having a friend until the third grade.""
director's note, we're not going to dive into that third grade thing, but leave it in the title.
\*Intro video of me talking over 90's talk show shots\* Birthday's  can be tough. I fucking hate them. Probably because I suck at them. I never figured out how to get people to like me (I know 'be yourself'. I'm a poor reflection of other people's personalities. Quick aside - I was repeatedly called out in staff meetings and told several times that I have no personality. That I was a flat bore. That a wet dishrag had more emotional range. They gave me extra training to no avail. I couldn't figure out why she was picking on me though, I had the best numbers in the call center).
\*Audience claps\*
Host: Let's get right to it I understand you haven't spent a lot of birthdays with other people, but is there an early one that you can recount?
Me: Well, in the fourth grade, the night before my birthday I stayed at a friend's house. My mom called in the morning to say she was on the way. We were going down to her boyfriend's. I was a big momma's boy. Alright, so = Me and my friend are downstairs watching a movie, but I'm so anxious that I'll miss her that I keep running upstairs to check for her car. It was taking way too long. You know, I'm getting worried. Then, the phone rings. It's my mom. She tells me that they came, knocked, and waited, but no-one answered. She figured I decided that I didn't want to go. So she wrote a note and had my sister put in on the door. I asked her to come back and pick me up, but you know, she couldn't. It would have taken like an hour to get there and another hour to get back. At that point it's too late to take the boat out, so you know, day ruined. Better if they just continue on and I stay with my friend. She promised to call when they were done.
Host: How pathetic
Me: It was dark by then. She wanted me to stay the night at my friend's again because it was late, she was tired, and it was out of the way. I told her that I really wanted to come home. \*Imitates mother\* ""Fine."" But hey, it wasn't all bad. They did save me a slice of cake.
Host: \*laughs\* really?
Me: Yeah, it was pretty nice of them since her boyfriend had bought the cake. Didn't have to give me any. Plus it would have been to hard to bring the whole thing.
Host: ...
Me: ...
Host: Go on
Me: Right. Birthday in the seventh grade, I thought I'd take a three hour round trip bus ride to my old neighborhood to see my old pal and only friend. I called beforehand. Right off the bat he warned I couldn't stay the night. I said that was OK, secretly thinking that if I missed my bus he'd have to let me stay the night. He brought up that it was going to be late by the time I got there, I'd only have twenty minutes to hang out. I went anyway. It was more like five minutes. Heard the laughter as I walked back to the bus stop.
Host: Humiliating
Me: hmph. In the ninth grade my birthday fell on a Sunday and I was big into church. The youth ministers took me to buy church clothes. I was elated. After church they gave me a card with signatures and money.
Host: Boorrrng, yet still pathetic. Any other teenage boy would have hated getting church clothes for his birthday, but you... so starved for affection..
Me: In the tenth grade, my friend from the previous year (we'd moved again) called me to say happy birthday. He asked what I was doing. Which was nothing, of course, He invited me over. He said his mom had gotten a cake. She hadn't.
Host: Oh, is this this the friend that was trying to hook up with yo-
Me: Yeah. That's the one. Quick context - my gf, who had forgot my birthday entirely, would soon break up with me. I was obsessive, possessive, controlling, jealous, the whole stereotype. Well, once she ghosted me, I'd ask my friend if he had seen her, if he could tell her to call me, that I missed her, you know, the usual. He said he hadn't seen her. Didn't talk to her. Might say ""what's up"" in the halls, but couldn't remember. Well, years later I'd reconnect with my ex. Turns out he was trying to get in there the whole time. Told her that he wasn't ever my friend, didn't even like me.
Host: Ok, wrap it up champ.
Me: Young twenties birthday, I went to the casino. The dealer who logged me in saw the flashing birthday notification, he walked over to quietly say happy birthday. He asked what I was doing there on my birthday. I was embarrassed, I panicked. I said I snuck away from a party.
Host: Gross
Me: Another young twenties birthday - driving around, drinking, bathing in self pity. My phone rings. It's my friend: He asks what I'm doing and of course I say \*points to audience\*
Audience: NOTHING!!
Host: \*smiles approvingly\*
Me: That's right, nothing. He invites me to eat with him and his family? I wipe the tears and get the details. Nobody said happy birthday. Come to think of it, he never mentioned my birthday. Was it a coincidence or worse, was it pity? I'll just appreciate the love either way.
Host: Wow, this was sad, but I don't see what the big deal is. Everyone has problems, your's aren't that bad. No wonder nobody likes you. So self centered.
Audience: \*jeers\*
Host: Agreed, Screw that guy. Haha. but seriously, are your birthday's still pathetic?
Me: Good question. I'm not sure the answer. I've learned to cower. I take the day off. I don't advertise my birthday and nobody asks. It's fantastic. I can avoid the shame and embarrassment. There aren't weird looks when I explain that I do nothing on my birthday because work and shopping are my only social interactions. Shoot, I talk to myself more than I talk to others. Full on conversations.
Host: \*laugs\* coo-koo
Me: \*laughs\* No, not a back and forth, More like thinking out loud. I don't want to know why I do it though. To be fair not all of my birthdays are pathetic. There were at least one and a half good ones up there.
Host: One and a half?
Me: I've got more good ones. Like I once tricked someone into being around me
Host: If they were around you obviously they'd been tricked. But, how'd it go?
Me: Oh, the poor deceived soul.. on my birthday she took me on a full day of love. I mean, we did all the things she knew I liked. I blew off dinner with my sister and brother in law because there was absolutely no way this was going to last. Someone showing me affection? They must be stupid.
Host: It didn't and they were. Well that's it for our show today. See you next time.
\*Just realized this reads a lot like Joker. Unintentional. But not surprising that even in writing about my life I'm unoriginal. Seriously. I am so fucking gross\*",not depression
dev_pid_2344,"Does anyone else get so bummed that there is no Hogwarts or magic and the only thing to look forward to is a 9-5 : I was a bit of a loner as a kid, so I read a lot. I loved all kinds of books. I loved Harry Potter for obvious reasons but I always wanted to be magic and be taken away to Hogwarts far away from my life. I remember reading the adventures of the wishing chair and longing to accidentally stumble upon one of these magic chairs at a garage sale and I would be taken away on adventures. I hoped one day I'd realise I have special powers and fuck off to join the X men or something. Basically, I'm just really disappointed in the reality of life. What is there to look forward to? I just read a post by someone else saying they gained weight because they didn't care cus they'd die soon and 100% me fucking too. I am so fat now and none of my clothes look good. Yesterday, I was in an uber and the guy is telling me all about how he moved here from Kenya where he was a construction worker and tried all these degrees and didn't like them but finally finished his finance degree so he could help his family and bruh, I can't even imagine caring about anything so much that you have that much motivation y'know? I'm 24 this year and I've tried so many different degrees and schools and nothing feels right. Or more accurately, I just shut down and decide it's easier to not do it. Idk?? Which is another reason I'm struggling with making plans for the future. My brain is all ""just kill yourself it's easier"". I was chatting to him about all the stuff I've tried to study on my way to get a tattoo and I was all ""it's just the concept of doing something for the rest of my life is so daunting"" and now I'm sitting here like, bitch you ain't have any problems getting tattoos left right and centre and they're for life SO JUST PICK A CAREER TOO. 
This is more of a rant @ myself cus fuck my stupid self thanks if you read it",not depression
dev_pid_2345,"Depression after hanging out with old friends : Whenever I meet my old friends for a night out, I get depressed after. I really enjoy the hanging out part, catching up on our lives, reminiscing the past, laughing and so on. But when i get home, i get depressed. Mainly because you realized that all your friends have their own lives now and you can never go back to how you guys used to be. You will never see them again tomorrow or the next day, you will never see them again for atleast a long time. You kinda miss the good ol days and you can never go back. And its just sad for me. Anyone feel the same way?",not depression
dev_pid_2346,"Today I saw this video and I cried : https://vimeo.com/393253445?ref=fb-share
I know it doesn't say nothing new but it hit me very hard.
It made me feel overwhelmed and crushed by the expectations. It made me feel like I will never be enough no matter what I do.
It was very strong.
I know this one is just about women, but I'm sure men go through the same shit.
It would be amazing if we (well mostly the advertising world) would just stop placing so many impossible expectations and we would just consider each other as flawed people to understand and care for.
I feel defeated.",not depression
dev_pid_2347,"Just because we both suffer, doesn't mean its not hard : I've met quite a few people who like myself have struggled with mental health. It helps for us all to talk about it together, we all struggle but in different ways and to different extents. The worst thing though, is when people use their own experiences as a means of invalidating yours. Oh I get depressed too but I don't do that, you should just do this it worked for me, it's not that hard I've done it. Its things like this which just make it harder. Like you're not good enough because you find it hard when clearly, it should be oh so easy. The key part about mental health, is its mental, it's in your brain which is fundamentally unique to you. It's not like a broken arm where everyone can do the same thing and get better. Some things are gonna work for some people and some people are gonna struggle far differently. Don't use your own experiences to invalidate another's, its not fair, its cruel and it's ignorant.",not depression
dev_pid_2348,"For any of your struggling... : For any of you who are struggling with any mental battles (depression/anxiety/eating disorders), please watch the video linked below. 
I hope this will help you realise it's OKAY to have bad days and to feel like you haven't made any progress. 
I hope it'll help you treat yourself more kindly, give yourself more leeway and give yourself hope that things will get better with time! 
I've always been a pessimist and never thought my disordered thoughts would get better, but since introducing some daily practices such as positive affirmations and gratitude (even though I didn't believe in them), and actively going against my thoughts, I've noticed my mentality is getting slowly better. 
https://www.instagram.com/tv/B9MHU1IneZg/?igshid=dquwrkqm03s4",not depression
dev_pid_2349,"Join new Discord server for alternative cure strategies of treatment resistant depression : based drug/supplement stack recommendations that is tailored for each individual with daily monitoring. I've created a Discord server which will be alive 24/7 discussing about these mental issues. Please join & let's make this happen:
https://discord.gg/fARbe8",not depression
dev_pid_2350,Please just let me give up : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2351,"Jockes about suicide : What do you guys think of jocking about suicide on the internet or in real life when you're with friends, what's you're opinion?",not depression
dev_pid_2352,"Why are there so many people with depression? : I visit this sub-Reddit occasionally with hopes of feeling that I'm not alone with my mental health issues and that there are also people fighting HARD to have a better life. 
However, the sheer volume of entries this sub gets and the so many people that cannot find a way out of depression is insane.
That why I wonder, what the hell is happening? Why are there so many depressed people?",not depression
dev_pid_2353,Thank you : I was pretty depressed over something and proceeded to drink a lot of alcohol and than I began to have suicidal thoughts because the alcohol only made things worse. I tweeted out “I don’t belong here” and this girl I hadn’t spoken to in years instantly texted me saying how concerning that was and proceeded to talk my way out of it. It’s the little things.,not depression
dev_pid_2354,"Mentally Self-harming : I don't cut myself. I do, however, intentionally trigger all my insecurities and issues because I want to punish myself for being horrible and worthless. 
I constantly tell myself I will never amount to anything and that's why everybody's dissapointed in me. 
I would see a picture of a beautiful woman and I would immediately feel pain in my chest. God, I'm so ugly. Instead of avoiding it though, I'll look at it more, causing more resentment to myself.
I feel bullied. But it's not some person I only see for a fraction of my day. It's in my head, and I can't escape her.",not depression
dev_pid_2355,This is about mental health hospitals in the UK. Please read. I would like some insight of what you guys think : I have been looking in to people's experiences in mental health hospitals.   I been looking on youtube and stuff and for some reason I can only find women's point of views. There seems to be no men talking about there experience. Is it because women get help faster or is it because men just don't like talking about it.,not depression
dev_pid_2356,"Keep away from addictions : People with compulsive behaviours always have a discomfort that they're trying to push away but that stays anyway. You try to drive it away with drugs or alcohol or whatever is your poison of choice but it comes back fiercer and the vicious cycle continues. 
Im honestly very glad that I don't have easy access to abusive substances. Not that it keeps me from getting addicted to other seemingly ""normal"" addictions. But I tend to be obsessive about any thing that gives me some sense of joy.  There's a history of addictions in my family and it's up to me to keep them at bay. I like to think I'm strong and hope to never ever give into any self destructive tendencies like I did a few years back. Live long and prosper.",not depression
dev_pid_2357,"I'm going anti-social slowly. : I've lost interest in finding friends.
It hurts me a lot when my OG friends from college starts ignoring me when they found a new better friend than me. Never talked to me anymore nor call me.
I wish i have a friend that i could talk personally to.
Idk what to do anymore.
Didn't expect growing up would be this fkn hurt.
I'm clinging to games and music to run away from all the problems i had.
I need someone to hug me and say ""its all gonna be okay"".
Guess some things are just too good to be true.",not depression
dev_pid_2358,Do you hate your parents? : I do. Very much.,not depression
dev_pid_2359,"Hey to everyone : (Sorry for my bad English.)
First off: I know that a lot of you are going through worse stuff than me but let me just tell my story.
I am a 14 yo male and I always  had lots of good friends and was really good at school. At least until about 3 years ago. I switched to a new school and lost all my friends, because they stayed at my old school. I got to know a dude(I'll call him A) that was in my class and we got best friends. That year my grades suddenly got really bad and I forgot a lot of homeworks. My math teacher was not that nice and some people in my class (including me) were really scared of her. I got bullied, got only one to two friends and my grades were bad. All of that lead to my depression. At least I had A as mental support.
Some time passed and the relationship between me and my parents got worse, because they were getting calls from my teachers about my bad grades. To all of that I had an argument with A. I can't remember what it was about but now he doesn't really like me anymore, which really hurts because I have known him for a few year now and I always considered him as my best friend. So now I don't really have friends anymore, I got depression and bad grades and the relationship between me and my parents is really bad. Honestly I'm crying very often because I don't know what to do anymore or just had a really bad day. My last hope is to make it to a new school, where I attended, because there I would have subjects like coding , which I really like. I could also have some new friend. The only problem is that I have a 4 ( which is a D in the UK I guess) in 7 subjects and the school I want to go to, has a lot of requests from students with better grades. 
And that's it. Maybe you could comment, if you know something that could help me in any way.
Thanks for reading!",not depression
dev_pid_2360,"... : I really hate my sister ,because she is so toxic... I know ,she had a hard time being bullied, but that doesn't give her the right to bully me since I was 4 years old ... i always told her this was bullying but she just said she was peppering me for my future live
Now I am so fucking depressed and I wanna kill my self ,because of her , I just don't know what to do anymore, my mother isn't help at all , not now ,not in the past 
I know most people won't care , but I just wanted to let this out 
Thank you",not depression
dev_pid_2361,"One week into the semester : And I already know I'll be missing tomorrow mornings lecture because getting up at 6.30 to take an hour of public transport is going to be too difficult.  
I feel like I'm crawling through life. Anyone else just trying to make it through every day?",not depression
dev_pid_2362,"No friends and depression : (Sorry for my bad English.) 
First off: I know that a lot of you are going through worse stuff than me but let me just tell my story. 
I am a 14 yo male and | always had lots of good friends and was really good at school. At least until about 3 years ago. I switched to a new school and lost all my friends, because they stayed at my old school. I got to know a dude(l'll call him A) that was in my class and we got best friends. That year my grades suddenly got really bad and | forgot a lot of homeworks. My math teacher was not that nice and some people in my class (including me) were really scared of her. I got bullied, got only one to two friends and my grades were bad. All of that lead to my depression. At least I had A as mental support. Some time passed and the relationship between me and my parents got worse, because they were getting calls from my teachers about my bad grades. To all of that I had an argument with A. l can't remember what it was about but now he doesn't really like me anymore, which really hurts because I have known him for a few year now and | always considered him as my best friend. So now I don't really have friends anymore, I got depression and bad grades and the relationship between me and 
my parents is really bad. Honestly I'm crying very often because I don't know what to do anymore or just had a really bad day. My last hope is to make it to a new school, where I attended, because there I would have subjects like coding , which I really like. I could also have some new friend. The only problem is that I have a 4 ( which is a D in the UK I guess) in 7 subjects and the school I want to go to, has a lot of requests from students with better grades.",not depression
dev_pid_2363,"I have no friends and depression. I want a hug : (Sorry for my bad English.) 
I am a 14 yo male and | always had lots of good friends and was really good at school. At least until about 3 years ago. I switched to a new school and lost all my friends, because they stayed at my old school. I got to know a dude(l'll call him A) that was in my class and we got best friends. That year my grades suddenly got really bad and | forgot a lot of homeworks. My math teacher was not that nice and some people in my class (including me) were really scared of her. I got bullied, got only one to two friends and my grades were bad. All of that lead to my depression. At least I had A as mental support. Some time passed and the relationship between me and my parents got worse, because they were getting calls from my teachers about my bad grades. To all of that I had an argument with A. l can't remember what it was about but now he doesn't really like me anymore, which really hurts because I have known him for a few year now and | always considered him as my best friend. So now I don't really have friends anymore, I got depression and bad grades and the relationship between me and my parents is really bad. Honestly I'm crying very often because I don't know what to do anymore or just had a really bad day. My last hope is to make it to a new school, where I attended, because there I would have subjects like coding , which I really like. I could also have some new friend. The only problem is that I have a 4 ( which is a D in the UK I guess) in 7 subjects and the school I want to go to, has a lot of requests from students with better grades. 
Now I just sit 90% of the time that I'm not learning or at school in front of my PC and feel not worthy. 
I want a hug.",not depression
dev_pid_2364,"Your attitude towars Corona virus outbreak : Assuming you are depressed, diagnosed or not, I'm curios about your attitude towards the Corona virus outbreak, especially if you come from a nation/city that has been locked down or where the cases are growing fast (outside Cina). Are you scared? Don't you care? Do you wish it lead to a general collapse? Do You actively act in order to spread the virus?
Write down your thoughts.",not depression
dev_pid_2365,"I don't know what I'm trying to say : I'm sitting in bed. Trying to stand up and start my day. I have things to do, things that will help me. For some reason I keep telling myself it's not worth it though. Nothing I do will matter. It's all a story I'm convincing myself of. I will either fail or succeed but either way it won't change anything because they were only goals I convinced myself were important. I don't know how to sustain a mentality like this. I keep asking myself the question if there's something wrong with the way I'm thinking or is the world and existence and my existence really that pointless. Feels like a part I'm being forced to play that I never had a choice in and it makes me mad at the world and then mad at myself for being mad because in the end I know anger is stupid and solves nothing. So I guess I'll keep playing along. I don't really know what I'm doing and I'm pretty sure I'm doing most of it wrong but there's not many other options. Like the title says I don't know what I'm trying to say or what I'm trying to accomplish with this post. All I know is that right now I'm alone with these thoughts and by putting them out there someone else might share them with me and maybe somehow that means something. Probably not but it'd just be cool to know I'm not the only one having these kinds of mornings.",not depression
dev_pid_2366,Winter worsen depression? : Hello all. Does winter make anyone's depression worse? The long nights and cold winds of England are really grating on me now. I can't wait for the sun and temperatures that are in double figures!,not depression
dev_pid_2367,Do you consider work an important part of your life? : I go to work and I hate every bit of it. I don't consider it important more than to just be able to pay bills and taxes. I prefer to just stay and stare at a wall. I don't have a personal life either (nothing going on in my life) but I like to think that work means nothing to me so I don't stress too much over it. I like to treat it superficially. Is it just me?,not depression
dev_pid_2368,"what is the procedure for getting diagnosed with something? (read textpost too) : like how does the therapist come to the conclusion that you have a particular problem?
not just depression but other mental health issues too.",not depression
dev_pid_2369,nothing really traumatic has happened in my life : why have I been experiencing depression symptoms for over a year ?,not depression
dev_pid_2370,"Today marks 14 years at my job. Same shit day in day out.. But something that's become ... Almost a habit in the past 6-7 months... I literally pray I get into an accident on the commute to work... Like...i just want an easy way out... I don't think I'm...""suicidal"" or anything, but cant stop hoping : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2371,"I hate myself and feel sorry for the people around me, having to deal with such trashcan. : I am such a boring person that has the audacity to be rude, like I am such a trash can, when I think about myself I feel disgusted. Not to mention I'm fat and ugly. I have anger issues, I'm a snowflake, someone legit breathes and I get all hurt. I'm almost alwayssss depressed. I actually can't do this. My fam ain't helping at all, my mum ALWAYS shouts at me and tells me how fucking trash, stupid, irresponsible, failure, liar, evil I am. To make it worse I've had a crush on this gurl for ages now tht I legit don't fucking deserve and I legit feel nauseous on her behalf at thought of someone like me liking her. It's made shit way worse. Gosh I can't do this. Im literally in pain, fuck. 
I need advice.",not depression
dev_pid_2372,How to be contented with life? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2373,"I’m scared to grow old and die, yo. : like what the fuck :(",not depression
dev_pid_2374,Dropping out of school (Advice) : I know it's dumb to drop out of school but school makes me more suicidal and depressed.School reminds me of how much of loser I am. I don't have any friends the only socialization I get is reddit and videogames. I had to leave school once becuase  I was bullied and awkward no one liked me everyone thought I was a loser. But my mom wants me to go back to public school because she's thinks my social skills are bad.I'm a senior but I'm 16 so I don't know if they willl let me drop out but I have been skipping a few days of school. I just need advice from others in this situation. I read some posts that high school is waste of time and I could just get a certification or trade school I really don't want to go to school I hate it.,not depression
dev_pid_2375,"“I’m just tired”, “I’m okay”, and more lies you can tell others. : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2376,Today Is My Birthday : Remember I used to be excited about my birthday. Now it's just.....really....uncomfortable. Damn.,not depression
dev_pid_2377,"Is there anyone here that I could talk to? : I had just shared my depression with some ppl from my school for the first time. To be frank it was the first time I have ever really told anyone. That was about 2 months ago and to this day not one of those 5 people have asked how I’ve been, or how I’m doing or even just a small check up on me. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and it’s really a big burden on me.",not depression
dev_pid_2378,"I give up, I am done. I can't take anymore. It is over. : I spent the past eight years in the dating scene trying to find a good woman to befriend and make a friendship out of that will lead to a meaningful relationship. all I wanted was someone to spend the evenings with, the mornings and days off with. someone to do things with romantically and just in general. 
Someone to go places with or just take a late night drive through a fast food drive thru and get a large milkshake to share together or just sitting in bed eating popcorn while watching shows or movies or late night talk shows. 
Just someone I could get heavily involved with and enjoy life and make memories but all I have gotten for the past eight years was rejected, mocked at, made fun of, used for attention by unhappy married women, guys mocking me and making fun of my dating posts, trolled, catfished and everything else under the sun. 
all the love I have in my heart to give to someone else will be left ungiven and will die with me when I die single and alone and no one to spend time with or get close to and make a life with. 
I get told oh well it is their loss not mine, but in the end is it really their loss? I feel like I am the one losing out. But enough is enough. I give up. I am done.",not depression
dev_pid_2379,"As a kid i thought teenagers were cool : And now that im 17 all i ever feel is pain or numbness. Im tired of meds making things worse with side effects, having no irl support system, bullshit therapy and a family that doesnt begin to understand what im going through.
Idk why im posting this. I guess i just want to be heard",not depression
dev_pid_2380,"time to start a seance : dont have any friends, im lonely as hell, maybe i should summon a demon and befriend it instead, because i clearly have no luck with humans",not depression
dev_pid_2381,"How can I help? : So I don't depression however, I have a friend who im pretty sure has depression and suicidal thoughts. She came out to me as trans and I think thats part of whats causing her depression. She has referred to herself as worthless alot. I try to be as supportive as i can. I know i shouldnt but I keep getting annoyed that she doesnt care about anything. How can i help her?",not depression
dev_pid_2382,"My holiday got cancelled : So my holiday got cancelled and no one around me seems to get that it wasn't so much a holiday as it was a lifeline out of the mess that is my life right now. That without it, I now have no motivation to go on, and everything has become a million times harder. I haven't felt this low in a while, and I'm slipping back into non-function and I fucking hate it. 
I have so much to do and no reason to do it anymore. I'm just so, so tired.",not depression
dev_pid_2383,"Please tell me if you care about me : I don't know how to put my pain into words but I just can't stand this. Life. 
I don't really have friends, people at school treat me like I'm invisible, my family's honestly shit and I have so many problems like very bad anger issues, tics, and others. (sorry, those sound just stupid and like nothing but yeah..)
I'm thinking of ending this in one to five years at least. (if I'm not doing better then) But a few things like my internet friend and a few (shitty) relatives that might still care about me a little, are holding me back. 
It's not like I have to make this decision now, but it would cheer me up a bit if you guys would comment your opinion or like, idk.. I comment on many posts in this community and I care about the people... so if any stranger out there cares about me..? Sorry this is so stupid and i'll probably delete this post soon",not depression
dev_pid_2384,"Please stop blaming me : I've been feeling like shit for so long I can't even remember not feeling this way. I don't know if I'm pretending to be this way, the environment caused me to be this way or if I'm just programmed to be this way. I sit all day and think about death. In almost 2 years I've just opened up about this to one person but have casually mentioned having issues and needing to talk to some other people. I'm scared to put my feelings on someone else's shoulder. I mean how can you possibly look at a person the same way after they tell you that they don't know what's real. I'm in pain all the fucking time. My chest hurts, I cry all the time, my hands shake and I can't focus. I have my most important exams going on for which I've been preparing for over a year and my brain gave up right at the important time. The idea of not getting out, not getting better and dissapointing everyone around me terrifies the fucking shit out of me. It's so difficult to go on. When my results will come out and they won't be as everyone expected to be, no one will understand why and if I tell them then they'll say I'm making up reasons and I'm weak and it's my fault or I should've tried harder. But I literally can not keep doing this. I need to not feel this way. There seems to be this idea on social media where people say you need to be strong or its all in your head or you are to blame for your conditions or something but it's not my fault. I feel guilty for feeling this way but I shouldn't be. I don't have anyone to talk to or even if I do I feel like I can't. My mouth literally shuts close. I can't bare this.
This post makes no sense and is all over the place. I unloaded without giving it any second thought.",not depression
dev_pid_2385,I brushed my teeth today AND yesterday : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2386,I need a real world hug : But I have no one to talk to,not depression
dev_pid_2387,Can someone talk to me? I’m kinda struggling rn : I’m 18 and a lot is happening in my life,not depression
dev_pid_2388,Fuck corona : I called my doctors office yesterday because I've finally decided to get treatment they didn't answer and they haven't called back. They're probably overwhelmed with the corona virus.,not depression
dev_pid_2389,"I read the book ""Man's Search for Meaning"" recently : Aside from the horrific recount of the concentration camps, it also gave a sweeping diagnosis of the future for America (and perhaps western civilization -- or global civilization now) that automation will create a void ""existential vacuum"", where the intended goal of more leisure time will actually befall a mass depression where people on a wide scale will not understand their meaning or role in life. He goes on to talk about ""The will to live"" and I interpreted his writing as your lifeline/attachment on this Earth is on a spiritual level to some deeper meaning to life, whether it's finding purpose in work, family, dog dad, etc, but automation/robots has replaced many of those roles, so now we don't know what to do with ourselves but be bored and depressed about it. And imho, it's gonna get way worse before it gets better, and ""better"" is incremental, given what we know.   
It's ironic to think that society is trying to upend gender roles/norms (for good and for bad maybe), but I am starting to realize they were instilled for a very specific purpose. Before it was like ""This is your community's intended purpose for your life"" and people walked that path, knowing their suffering had meaning. Now we've created a society where we try to avoid ""suffering"" but then our lives begin to lose meaning. I think it depends on what KIND of suffering (like, central AC or electricity) is different than being in a caretaker role, etc.   
Just wanted to share. It's given me a lot to think about. What role do I play? What purpose does my life have?  
I'm 30 and wanting to move back in with my parents, just to be around them. I know being annoyed by them will make me suffer, but at least it has meaning. I suffer outside of their house too, but I find this meaningless.   
Just wanted to kinda reflect and share my thoughts. If anyone else has read that book I'd love to hear your thoughts.",not depression
dev_pid_2390,can a depressed woman look happy? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2391,everything seems like a joke..... : and I want to get to the punchline already so the joke can end,not depression
dev_pid_2392,No one gets it until they've lived it : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2393,"I wish I was motivated to draw : Back in the time I really wished to become an artist and really focused on drawing... but now I just sleep eat and watch videos. I wish I was still motivated. I am sure you can relate to this in a way. Ahhhhhh, things could have gone better.",not depression
dev_pid_2394,"It's weird to me that not everyone hates themselves : Like the title says. It popped into my head yesterday that not everyone hates themselves, and what a weird thought that was. What's that like?",not depression
dev_pid_2395,"my schoolyear is basically over now : idk things have been kinda rough at school and I was happy to come home for break, but now literally everything is closing/cancelled. 
I was looking forward to going back to school and at least trying to end my year on a good note and do well and try to make myself keep going to things (activities, workout classes, things my religious organization hosts, the occasional party, etc.) but now all of that is gone. I'm very lucky to have a loving home to come back to, but no family is perfect and things fall apart after a while, which is what happened. 
I have friends but it's the kind of friendships where if I don't reach out, I don't hear from them. lately, even when I do reach out I don't hear from anyone. I really don't like myself at this point in my life, but I know that I'm a good friend and I'm constantly trying to improve, so it's hard when it feel s like it's all for nothing.
this all just sucks, I feel like there's so much misinformation going around and everything is being stopped because of it. I definitely do think we need to take what's going on seriously and take precautions, but not to this extreme. 
I guess things always can get worse, and that's what's been happening.",not depression
dev_pid_2396,Keeping your self busy can really help : Ive been playing games for 11 hours a day yeah you can do something healthy but it will help you anyways id get an app called time tune it forces me to do stuff cuz it tells me when i take too much time in bed etc,not depression
dev_pid_2397,"The only thing that brought me joy has left this earth : My sweet dog that I’ve had since I was six years old passed away yesterday. While I struggled with depression for years, he was always by my side. Now, he’s gone. I can’t fathom moving on in life without him. 
Some people will say “oh he’s just a dog, get over it”, but no. He was so much more to me than just a pet. He was my whole world. A light in the darkness of my life. My best friend. Everyone in my life knew how much he meant to me. He’s all I talked about, I brought him everywhere, and he slept under my blanket every night, snuggled up close to me. He was what kept me going every day. 
I’ve dealt with severe depression for years now, but I’ve never felt any emptiness like this. I feel like I have no purpose on this earth anymore... Life is cruel. 
If anyone has gone through something similar, I could really use your advice one how to get through this. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so unbelievably lost.",not depression
dev_pid_2398,"Coronavirus is the least of my worrries : Starting today, all of my college classes will be online. No more mandatory class attendance. I know that this is the prudent measure for public health.
But school is my only source of social contact and positive emotion. Without school, I become just like every lonely, angry, isolated guy in the world. Academics are the sole source of purpose in my life, and that is gone for who knows how long. I wish I was a different person.",not depression
dev_pid_2399,"I left everything behind : After years of daily contemplation, of whether I should take the leap and leave everything behind, I finally did it. A week ago, I packed all my belongings, which includes one duffel bag, a backpack and my guitar and left. I'm 24 now, but being from a conservative background, with a community that is impossible to break out off - I finally got up and left.   
I know my mother is devastated,  and the feeling I left her with, haunt me every night. No one know where I am at, besides my best friend, who also got out. I've received emails from people I used to know, but I cannot answer anyone, because my family might get the word of it. I feel really alone, but also oddly peaceful. I finally did it. Is there anyone out there who is going through a similar situation that wants to talk? I wont be united with my best friend, till we figure out the paperwork. I need to talk to someone that understands.",not depression
dev_pid_2400,"TRIGGER POSSIBLE - I am seeing so many of these sappy posts on social media about why to stay alive so I decided to turn one of them into my own in the opposite - Just as an FYI I am not actively suicidal I just make myself feel better with jokes : I am not posting the original because I don’t want that person to feel like I am being mean to them. But it’s basically the exact opposite of the poem.
If this is against the rules delete it but this is just how I deal with my depression- joke about it 
I thought maybe someone else might relate to joking about their life.
If this is offensive I’m very sorry
I will kill myself today
Because I don’t have a Netflix free trial
Kill me today 
Because i hate most foods
kill me today
Because I know for a fact that Starbucks is releasing a new Frappuccino sometime next month and it will make me gain weight and lose money
Yes, your mother will miss you 
Yes, she will get over it and move on
Yes my old bully will make a sappy Facebook post about how what a a wonderful person i was but they are lying just like anyone else who does the same
And I will soon be forgotten 
And yes
Suicide is a permanent solution to my permanent problem of being stupid, ugly and friendless.
I know that
You know that
Everyone and anyone has been shoving that down my throat since i first learned what the word suicide meant
So kill me
Because I never finish my shampoo and conditioner at the same time
kill me
Because my favorite show ended
Because all of the food I make comes out terrible 
I should kill myself
Because I will keep coming up with reasons for me to do so
And nobody needs me
But they will lie and say
Don’t kill yourself
I love you
You’re important
It’s a bad day
A bad life
There is more to this
The world will keep spinning on its axis without you
They are lying because they pity you
Think of all the sunrises you’d miss
I never wake up for sunrises so that wouldn’t be true
But when im sitting in front of everything deadly i own
(I have no idea what that means) 
Revising your goodbyes
There will be too much darkness 
To see anything else
Nobody will care if you say goodbye
This is about turning off the lights, forever
This is about finding the bed and then the noose 
To jump off my bed and hang myself
This is about giving yourself one more day
Even if it takes ten thousand of those
I’ve actually had ten thousand and one days of giving myself one more day
And now is time to give myself this day of saying peace out mother fuckers 
One more morning’s
Until
“I can wait for tomorrow”
This is about being dead
Because I don’t care that there’s gonna be a new Marvel movie
I should miss that
This is about me dying
Because the future is coming 
And its looking very badly for me
I see it
And I know i cant make it 
Until then
I will kill myself.
- Cr1116",not depression
dev_pid_2401,The only person who used to be my everything doesn't even want to be around me I'm not okay. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2402,Anyone else secretly wanting to get the coronavirus? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2403,"Musicians/Artists: How do you get through creative lulls and a lack of inspiration. : I’ve been writing/playing music for a couple decades now: The last couple years have been rough. There was a point where I would play music for at least a couple hours every day. Now it’s very common that my guitar will stay in its case until it’s time for my next (weekly) band practice. When I do play solo, it’s turned to mindless noodling around rather than any writing because I’m just so uninspired.
Typically in the past, that meant I needed to listen to more music. I believe with music you need to listen more than you play. So the solution was to have my mind blown by other more talented musicians and have that inspire me. But as of late, I don’t listen to many albums anymore, just Spotify playlists on random as background noise rather than foreground inspiration. Music doesn’t move me like it did a couple years ago. 
Furthermore, the more I listen the more I realize: It’s all been done! We have a limited number of notes to work with and a limited way of arranging them. Even stepping outside of the limitations of 12-tone western music, it’s all been done. So not only is any active listening not inspiring me, it’s actually discouraging me: “What’s the point? I just sound like a cheap \_\_\_\_\_\_ ripoff.”
I’m very one dimensional, if I had to list my hobbies in the past I’d say: Playing music. Collecting records. That’s it. I can’t stay interested in anything else. So, when music isn’t happening for me, it’s devastating. It’s been a rough couple years. I should just quit music until the feeling of “I need to play” returns, but without music, I have nothing. And I’m in a band where I’m called upon to be one of the main songwriters, it’s one of my only… wait, it’s my only form of socialization: Making original music in a dead music scene. 
Any advice on staying inspired to create while depressed? Even when writing depressing material, I’ve needed to be happy/inspired on some level to create.",not depression
dev_pid_2404,"Once you know the secret to happiness, you’ll never be happy again. : I won’t tell you, because I don’t think you need more suffering. I just had to get this out of me. It’s rotted part of me away. Sorry.",not depression
dev_pid_2405,Poetry : Anyone else write crappy poems to get a bit of a release?,not depression
dev_pid_2406,"It's dumb, but I want to end it because my job won't take me seriously. : I have been working incredibly hard at my career since I was 16. Being successful and well-regarded in my job has been of the utmost importance to me as long as I can remember. I have always been underpaid and used in jobs getting closer to what I feel like I deserve after over 10 years in my industry and close to being on par with the average salary in my industry. I have finally had the opportunity to have some control after my job fired everyone except for me and kept me around because I am ""the cheapest"". Yes, they said that to my face. I thought that if I worked hard enough I could prove I deserved my position and would be paid accordingly, but even at the threat of leaving this company and essentially my office will close down if I leave, they still will not pay me what I deserve. 
I am so tired of feeling like I am not worth anything when I have done nothing but continuously prove myself over and over. I have made this company millions of dollars from MY WORK. I can't explain how crap I feel. And because this seems to be a running pattern, it must be me. There is something wrong with me. Something that tells others that I have no value.
Maybe I don't. Maybe I will never have any value. I don't want to keep trying to prove everyone wrong when clearly everyone is right and it is me who is wrong, thinking I am worth something.
I want to give up and disappear. I don't want to do this anymore.",not depression
dev_pid_2407,"I feel like my friends don’t care about me and only talk to me and have a full conversation if they need something from me : Exactly what it is I have 4 friends each two are in a relationship which each other they talk to each other a lot but when I ever I talk they don’t pay attention or ignore me. I’m a boring person to them and I follow behind them everyday but they never notice me.
And if they do invite me somewhere (mostly just to get lunch at school) I’m always ignored whenever I try to talk and they don’t notice me and again, I’m always. In. The back.
It seems like nobody cares..it happens with every friend group I’m in..and it fucking sucks...
I may have people around me but I’m still alone",not depression
dev_pid_2408,"whenever i get into an argument with my parents or grandparents, afterwards i feel like i dont deserve to eat or do anything : is that normal? i haven’t been diagnosed with depression btw
like rn, im real hungry but im not gonna ask for food. just don’t deserve it for making my family’s life hell.",not depression
dev_pid_2409,Just had a college interview : I was on the verge of tears at mutiple times throughout as I kept on thinking how all of this was a waste of time and how it doesn't matter what I do at college as the only job that would probably ever hire me is some type of manual labour like moving boxes or something.,not depression
dev_pid_2410,"I’m so sorry : I’m so sorry for what I did. For the past 10 months, I have not been the same person. I have thought about all the things I have done, and the trouble I caused. It tears me apart everyday. The guilt and pain is like shears tearing apart my insides. I started smoking weed to calm down, but I still think about you every single day to the point I resist going outside. I miss you... I truly truly hope that you will come back to me. Forgive me. My darling. My sweeting... I miss you. Come back... please.",not depression
dev_pid_2411,"An Undesired Second Post : As the title says, I’ve posted once here before. I never planned on doing so again as venting my issues just isn’t a coping mechanism for me, but I needed to do something. Again, thanks to anybody who takes the time to read.
I’m not the kind of person who is constantly sad or just feeling down. My problem is less being sad, but more just feeling nothing. I feel devoid of any emotional substance, but normally I continue on because that’s what’s expected me. 
However in the last 24 hours I’ve watched multiple important things in my life do a 180° and go straight to shit. It’s like seeing loose threads, waiting to be pulled and unravel everything in front of my very eyes. I’m anxious, I don’t feel comfortable confiding in anybody; and being a realist, I know that my situation is going to get much harder before it can become better. 
I truly feel lost in this world and it’s becoming harder and harder to put on an act for everybody else. I’m tired. I’m broken down. I’m scared to be fighting a losing battle that’s uphill no matter how I approach it.
Here’s to hoping you all never see another post from me again. Cheers, reddit.",not depression
dev_pid_2412,I think o could have a childhood trauma : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2413,Difference between major and severe depression? : I tried to google this but I couldn’t find any answers,not depression
dev_pid_2414,"Weed let's me feel a little better : I've tried everything, nothing has worked for me. At least this gives me a few hours were I'm okay",not depression
dev_pid_2415,How to stop worrying : How does one do it. I’m always worried about something. Like always from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep I’m just worried and panicked. I’ve gone to counseling and whatnot and they teach you grounding and breathing stuff but maybe I’m not good at it cause it works but not all that well. I try and stay away from medication cause it scares me. Is that the only option? Will I have to take meds everyday for the rest of my life just to be normal?,not depression
dev_pid_2416,"Need help with coping strats against feeling worthless : Hi everyone
My depression gets REALLY worse at work, cause I can't concentrate/ be productive as I used to.
This leads to negative thiking about myself, spiraling really fast and sometimes even into suicidal thoughts. 
I KNOW I'm not worthless (rationally), but I can't stop feeling it and thinking that when it starts! 
How do you deal with that??
thanks",not depression
dev_pid_2417,"Am i too depressed? : I hear alot and i mean alot of people whining and complaining about having friends that dont pay attention to them, not getting a gf, etc.
While im here, cutting myselfs flux of suicide, questioning every person i meet, isolated for 10 years, etc.
Am i just too much to recieve help?",not depression
dev_pid_2418,"It doesn't make a difference whether I'm with my friends or not : Here goes nothing... so I'm a second-year international student in a UK university. I came here in 2018 and didn't know anyone but made a friend at the airport, another international student. We were great together, we'd go out and have our version of fun (not clubbing like the majority of uni students cause I honestly hate it) and I even met my now boyfriend when out with her. Last summer she texted me out of nowhere saying she's dropping out. My grandma has also just passed away and honestly, I just felt like shit and cried for a few days - I am NOT a crier.
The beginning of second year was terrible, I felt lonely and depressed and the only one to snap me out of it was my boyfriend. He encouraged me to become better friends with people from my course and I did. It was all nice until a couple of days ago I had a bit of an argument with one of the girls in the group and now everyone is just avoiding me. If I ask a question directly to someone they'll answer out of politeness but make it really awkward. When I left to go get lunch I said bye and no one answered. They all sat together and did not invite me over. At the end of the day, they all just left and didn't say a word to me, even though I was right behind them. 
To make everything worse I'm supposed to live with them next year and I have a hunch it's just gonna be hell. Oh, and my boyfriend is leaving town cause he's moving back in with his parents to save some money. His parents live really far away and I'm just terrified I'm gonna lose him too. Please give me some advice, I really don't know what else to do.",not depression
dev_pid_2419,Realized that I am a bad person and that’s why I deserve this : This is why good things won’t happen. People like me with disgusting personalities do not get rewarded. I don’t want to be like this but l guess i’m stuck like this,not depression
dev_pid_2420,"I just want to feel happy : I've hated myself since I was 13, wanted to kill myself since I was 15, and I've never succeeded. I'm 30 and have a great life. I have a wife, children, stable career, a house, and a dog. I know I should be happy, but I'm not. I've had happy moments, but nothing sustainable. 
I just want to feel happy",not depression
dev_pid_2421,My standards for friends is far higher than everyone else’s. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2422,It's a beautiful day : There are so many things I need to do.  The sun is shining and I can hear birds outside.  Why can't I ever just get out of bed.  Stupid fat fuck.,not depression
dev_pid_2423,"She didn't invite me to her birthday party. : I fucking love her. I know i have no chances and i don't deserve her. And trust me, I've tried my best to draw her attention but i'm useless piece of shit anyway. She fucking managed to graduate thanks to my help. I cheered her up when she was down. AND I DIDN'T HET INVITED TO HER BDAY. IT FUCKING HURTS. IT REALLY FUCKING HURTS. I still love you girl.",not depression
dev_pid_2424,stuck : i stayed home from school today. i’m not too sure if it was a good idea. i was left to my own thoughts in an empty house. for some reason my head is slightly pounding and i don’t wanna move.,not depression
dev_pid_2425,"Broken - a poem : This body,
A beautiful casket for a broken soul,
Legs that walk but have no destination,
Eyes that once cried of laughter cry of loneliness,
A tongue that tastes the sweetest things although everything tastes bland lately,
Ears that listened to stories with happy endings, now listen to the emptiness of my fate
A heart that beats when all this soul wants is for it to silence itself,
Hands that pray now hold the blade, 
Please rest this casket beneath the dirt,
Let the earth consume me in an everlasting peaceful nothingness.",not depression
dev_pid_2426,"From someone who wants to be better : To my ex: you left me when I needed you the most. I know I pushed you away. I told you I might but I didn't want to. I told you to leave me if you felt unwanted, but you didn't. You chose to lie to me. You chose to use me. You wanted the world from me and I wanted to give it to you. You didn't want to hurt me? I'll never for get that. You chose the cowards path. You chose to cheat. You chose to cheat on him too. You lied to him too. But none of that matters. I'm moving on without you while you leech happiness out of the people you claim to love. I want no part in it and I never will. When you look back I hope you realize that a month of inattention is inevitable. Everyone has their moments.
To the reader: I hope you don't ever experience this kind of pain. I hope you see the signs and act on them before it's too late. I hope you are strong enough to see you're still you without them. You're worth more than you think. Life goes on so hold on and keep walking.
Closing: I want more out of myself even if I don't know how. Im currently taking a leap of faith and moving out of my parents house. I hope I'm making the right choice. But I won't know till shit meets fan. I'm a jealous mess right now and I am working on getting over it. That's all I can do. Just keep pushing. Just keep pushing till my legs give out then push some more. Wish me luck guys. I move out April 1st.",not depression
dev_pid_2427,"(20 M) Hair's falling out in stupid way and I hate it. : For the past 5 or 6 months, my hair's been thinning out right at the top and the front. I don't have a bald spot, and my actual hair line is still relatively normal for my age (still might be a Norwood 0 even). But for some reason it's like I'm missing a crucial layer of hair at the top that's supposed to keep everything flush. There's just not enough hair to match the thickness of the sides and the back, so I look like a homeless crack addict or something.
I keep getting faded buzzcuts now to try and not make the disparity so obvious, but after about three weeks the homeless crack addict look starts to return because the sides and the back start to stick up while the top and the front stays matted and flat and split.
I hate it. I hate it so fucking much. I don't want to spend my 20s looking like this. I've never even been with a girl yet and now my chances of attracting a girl have only gotten worse. 
I'm trying my best not to let it get to me, but some days I get so insecure that I become reclusive and never even set foot outside. I already suffer depressive episodes and this makes everything worse. 
If this happened in my 40s or even 30s while I had already built up a suitable reputation in some sort of field then I wouldn't mind it, but now? When I'm supposed to be young and dumb and still finding myself? This is fucking bullshit. 
Fuck you mother nature and genetics. Fuck you.",not depression
dev_pid_2428,"Lack of motivation, fatigue : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2429,"Not Sure If I Have Depression and Need Some Help : Not really sure if this is the right place to post this, but here it goes.
Some backstory: I never thought of myself as having depression. I have always, though, considered myself lazy and unmotivated and have had pretty low self esteem as long as I could remember. Recently this lack of motivation, drive, and self esteem has started to negatively impact my relationship of \~4 years. I just can't seem to make myself do what I need to do, to be disciplined, and I've been consumed by self loathing. My SO goes to therapy for their anxiety and has been talking to their therapist about the strain this is putting on the relationship. The therapist thought what my SO was describing sounded like textbook depression and so my SO relayed that back to me and suggested therapy. The thing is though, I don't really have that feeling of melancholy and sadness that you hear most when people describe depression. I just don't want to blame my personal faults on depression if I don't really have it. But I've tried many times to change the things I hate the most about myself and have never been successful. I know this probably doesn't flow well so thank you for reading if you got this far. 
Any suggestions welcomed and appreciated.",not depression
dev_pid_2430,I just want to leave this here. Maybe it will help someone. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2431,"So down today : First of all, the weather has been gloomy and that makes it hard for me.  I woke up this morning and was feeling good.  Took my meds, got some stuff done, enjoyed some music.  My mother is in a nursing home.  She is 94 and has dementia.  My brother who lives near us says she is not doing well. She is not eating or talking and is losing weight. My other brother and i made plans to see her on Saturday.  My brother messaged me and said that the nursing home is on lockdown until further notice as a precaution.  So now I can’t see her and I really don’t know if i will get to see her again.  It was like a kick in the teeth.  Now, i want to lay in bed and cry.",not depression
dev_pid_2432,"Does anyone else with depression feel like they know more about this world? This universe, the inner workings of what this really is : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2433,"I opened up and I regret every bit of it : I don't feel better. My mom didn't seem to give a fuck. She did the oh we always feel like that bs. I don't think she understands the true depth of my depression. After that one night everything was like it was b4. Like I was just feeling sad one night. But it's not. As if I'm someone who doesn't know what sadness is. I regret every bit. I wish I could just have some time to b alone in my head. This is usually me staying up at night, fucking my sleep, ruining so much. Then again it's the same shit I wish I could spend a few days in my room by myself",not depression
dev_pid_2434,"I don't know if I can keep doing this : I'm at a pretty high up school, Loooonnngg story short, I've burnt out, just, too much BS I had to put up with and I'm still in college at 24. I don't mind the age thing, I'm just oo fucking tired of jumping through hoops, working my ass off with the promise I'll be rewarded and basically never am. My family is just fucked up too so it's all up to me to push through and leave them behind
But I don't have friends. The two online friends who I went to this uni in small part to meet/ hang with in my down time turned out to be flakey and unreliable as hell, I'm too busy keeping up with school to really stay commited to a club haven't made friends and this fucking virus is basically encouraging isolation. Also with the virus, I'm trying to keep my OCD at bay by not freaking out over it, but every where I go fucking people wanna flip out over it and get annoyed when I encourage not full on panicking.  
This morning I tried to work on my math midterm reviewing by taking a practice test, which because my brain is burnt out and slow, it took me 5 hours, went to take a walk and that turned into a depression attack that's taken an hour ish to get through . . .I just, hate my life right now. I'm tired but can't find an escape.",not depression
dev_pid_2435,"I feel like I dont deserve love, and I am ok with it : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2436,"I can only find happiness from external sources : I’m not sure if I’m depressed as I’ve never talked to a doctor or anyone about it. Throughout my life I’ve always had periods of time usually lasting between a couple weeks to a couple months, when I just feel so alone and that I don’t want to keep going. I’ve definitely wanted to be dead, but I’ve never been close to suicide and I don’t think I ever would kill myself. Usually these periods are triggered by some event, often relating to friendships or relationships. I was dating a guy for a few months and I was so happy. Then we ended things, and I would break down crying on the way home almost every day for a month. Sometimes about him, sometimes just from being sad and lonely. People say you need to find happiness on your own before trying to be in a relationship, but I feel that all of my happiness comes from external sources like this. How do people find happiness in being alone?",not depression
dev_pid_2437,"Who else feels physically cold when lonely? : I feel dead inside, like my life is being wasted away, and I feel like my body temperature drops to ungodly levels. I wish I had friends",not depression
dev_pid_2438,i hate myself and i love myself in the same time : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2439,"I'm sick of being compared : I can't feel good or bad about myself without being compared. ""This person did better than you"" or ""I have it worse""
Guess I'll just be emotionless.",not depression
dev_pid_2440,"Its raining very hard outside today and all i want to do is go out and lay in the rain. : I really just want to lay outside on my back and let go of everything, but when i try to let go of everything i overthink even more and one problem turns into 5 and its just hard. Am i alone of this?",not depression
dev_pid_2441,I hate when my mom does this : My mom is always telling me to put away my phone and socialize and its really annoying because I don't fit in anywhere and she always says that Socializing helps me but it doesn't and on the contrary She doesn't even seem to care much about my depression.,not depression
dev_pid_2442,"I am struggling to help my depressed friend... I'm really trying but they constantly berate and lash out at me : I am at the end of my tether, so I would really appreciate some advice please.
A friend of mine - who I have known for nearly 20 years - had a bit of a bad turn in the past two years. He (34) is based in one country, and I (F, 34) currently live halfway across the world. He is what you would consider ""friends who are family"". Or least I thought so.
Lately, I am finding it very difficult to deal with him, and I feel that I should cut him out of my life.
**A summary of his situation:**
1. His marriage fell through a couple of years ago. His decision. He has one young child (bit of a mess, he broke up with her whilst she was pregnant, something I never agreed with). They were having problems for years; he claims she is the reason for many of his mental health issues.
2. Since then he has gone from not drinking - to drinking regularly. Sleeping around, making friends with weird people etc
3. It reached a stage where last year he was talking to me about suicide, and how he has planned his death several times. He talks about how no-one in his life is there for him (mum, dad, ex-wife, sister).
4. Now - he has fallen into trouble with the law, accused of something pretty serious. I have no doubt in my mind he is innocent (despite the changes of the past few years), so that's not even a question. Just to add context to his background, he is educated to doctorate level, intelligent and has a good job (he's currently suspended until police make a decision whether to charge him) and has never been in trouble with the law before.
**The issues I encounter:**
1. At the best of times, he is quite insensitive in the way he deals with people. He can be quite cutting with his words at times, and I feel in the past, he hasn't been there for me when I needed him the most (a couple of situations). That being said, he was married, in a different country...etc. so I kind of get it. People get busy with life.
2. Because of a childhood complex, he doesn't like people giving him advice. So even when you try to have a conversation with him, and offer some solutions, he lashes out about it and gets angry.
3. I have recommended therapy because I know how much it helps. He says he has been, but was never given any medication (he's not sure if he wants to take meds), and since the one time he went, he hasn't said anything else about it. TBH, I don't think he even went back.
4. More recently - with this ""trouble with the law"" situation... he would send messages like: ""I am going to be charged... I just know it. I am going to lose my child. I have no faith in the justice system. I cannot go to prison. If I am charged, that's it; I am ending my life.""
5. I personally feel he's not taking enough action. He's not speaking to many lawyers, for instance. He is with one lawyer who doesn't seem to be doing much. He comes across as being very indifferent about the whole process. He asks me what I would do if I am in his position. I tell him. His response? ""You don't think I haven't thought of that? You think I am just sitting there doing nothing? You think you're all high and mighty. I have never been in trouble with the law. I am so scared. I have no idea what to do or how anything works."" etc. I ask him if he trusts the lawyer he's with. He says: ""I don't know; how do I even figure that out?""
6. After his latest outburst, I told him to get his act together and enough with the victim mentality. In hindsight, my choice of words were not great - but there's only so much I can take. I attempted to explain to him that the concept of victim mentality also applies to genuine victims (I had spoke to this with my therapist before), I never once implied he was faking it, but in order for an individual to create change they have to leave the victim mentality and go into survival mode. To me, he is being defeatist right now when he needs to fight to clear his name. No-one in the world can do something like that for you but yourself. It's what I would do personally.
7. He responded by saying he thought I was a ""disgusting human being"" and an ""insensitive prick"". And for the past 24 hours has latched on the words ""victim mentality"" when I fully explained what my point was. He then proceeded to say ""No matter how many times I tell you, I have no idea what's going on. You're just assuming I am sat at home being defeatist."" Earlier, he made a reference about how I have always butted in about his life. The funny thing is... It has always been him coming to me with the problems. I even went through old emails today to make sure I am not going crazy.
**What do I do?**
I am tired. I feel I'm his emotional punchbag. Despite him calling me disgusting, I am trying to be there with support just for the sake of his child.
Every time he has gotten angry accusing me of having no idea what is going on, I have reminded him that I am not in his environment. I am not in the middle of it all, therefore I just go by what he is telling me from halfway across the world. Which is usually not much. He is the one who usually initiates conversation with messages like ""I know I am going to jail. I just know it."" I try my best to be there and listen, whilst trying to offer some hope.
I have offered financial support for legal fees. I have offered to talk to lawyers I know. I have offered friends who are connected to law. He hasn't taken any of my offers.
He complains about advice given to him. Then asks me what I would do if I were in his position. I answer, and then he gets angry at me. You know that feeling of that you cannot win, no matter what? I don't know what he wants, and I don't know how to help him.
I have had my own mental health issues, but it's in my personality is just to own it and do something about it. I made myself go to a psychiatrist; I took the medication; I made myself go to a therapist. I strongly believe that no-one in the world can help you but you - you need to be the one to take action to save your soul. Not everyone is the same, I understand that. But this is not helping my own mental health.
I have never wanted anything from my friendships, but it doesn't feel good to absorb this much negativity on a delay basis. It does affect me. His words can be immensely hurtful at times. I understand that this might be due to what he is going through, but there's only so much I can take before I am at breaking point.
I apologise for this being a long read, but I wanted to offer as much background as possible. I'm hoping I can connect with someone who could give me advice on what to do in this situation.
Thank you.",not depression
dev_pid_2443,"Everything is getting better : You can read what happened to me from my previous posts.
Everything is slowly getting better. I now noticed that I had a perfect girl that close to me. Our relationship is slowly turning into dating. I have some motivation to study.
And today I felt happy after 3 months. 
Just believe in yourself and everything will pay off",not depression
dev_pid_2444,"On a crisis line : I'm at a bridge. I drank a little of the peroxide. On the way here, I questioned myself.
He's putting me on hold to get me in contact with a grief line while he gets 911. 
This morning I felt okay about this, at peace, now I'm crying.
I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.
I dont wanna go home. Mom is going to be mad. Dad is supposed to pick me up at 2:30 and its 2:18. I'm fucking scared.",not depression
dev_pid_2445,"Do you ever feel like yourself again for a day, a few hours, a few minutes... and then it all goes back to the same way? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2446,"Fear of myself : I'm afraid to be alone with me
I'm afraid of what I can think and feel",not depression
dev_pid_2447,"first date since 3 years : m/23 just came home from my first date since 3 years and she just texted me that she had fun and enjoyed my company. 
Feels great.",not depression
dev_pid_2448,Pp : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2449,"Should have known : Just when something looks like it is gonna be alright, E.g my finances looking good and offering some hope of finding a new beginning, after all the rubbish I have endured for 60+ years, it's all heading south. Yeah should have known.",not depression
dev_pid_2450,Has anyone else feel the same? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2451,A video from Gas Station Encounters bound to make you laugh. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2452,"Everyone, I need you all to believe this with me. Please. : Believe with me, that one day everything will be okay. One day, we are gonna look back to these days and think that it helped us grew. One day, all the things we are facing now are just seen as a distant memory. And one day, I dont know when, but one day, we will be proud enough to say that we are happy. 
Can someone just say 'I believe it'? I'd really appreciate it.",not depression
dev_pid_2453,"Mental Illness: Prevalence, Treatment, and Barriers (Part 1) : https://endtheblues.com/mental-illness-prevalence-treatment-and-barriers/",not depression
dev_pid_2454,Broken Brain Mentality : https://endtheblues.com/broken-brain-mentality/,not depression
dev_pid_2455,Steps To Avoid Depression : https://endtheblues.com/steps-to-avoid-depression/,not depression
dev_pid_2456,Help For Children With Depression : https://endtheblues.com/help-children-who-are-depressed/,not depression
dev_pid_2457,Depression Symptoms : https://endtheblues.com/depression-symptoms/,not depression
dev_pid_2458,The Web Of Anxiety : https://endtheblues.com/the-web-of-anxiety/,not depression
dev_pid_2459,How Do I Know If I Am Severely Depressed : https://endtheblues.com/how-do-i-know-if-i-am-severely-depressed/,not depression
dev_pid_2460,Types Of Depression : https://endtheblues.com/types-of-depression/,not depression
dev_pid_2461,Causes Of Depression : https://endtheblues.com/causes-of-depression/,not depression
dev_pid_2462,Dealing With Death Anxiety : https://endtheblues.com/dealing-with-death-anxiety/,not depression
dev_pid_2463,Friends? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2464,What Is CBT Therapy : https://endtheblues.com/cbt-therapy/,not depression
dev_pid_2465,The Many Faces Of Anxiety : https://endtheblues.com/the-many-faces-of-anxiety/,not depression
dev_pid_2466,I would actually be ok with getting the Coronavirus : It would be one for the team and happy to volunteer,not depression
dev_pid_2467,DAE ever feel like they just need a hug from someone safe and then things will work out? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2468,Anyone else secretly excited about Corona? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2469,Love : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2470,H : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2471,"My day was better than I thought : After work I decided to schedule a last minute therapy appointment, I’ve been contemplating it but felt it wasn’t necessary. As it got closer to 10:30am I started to get frantic and overwhelmed, I didn’t want to go anymore. Signing in I was shaking I’ve never been to therapy and I didn’t know what to expect, the fact that I was alone in this place terrified me. I get so worried they’re just going to say I’m crazy and lock me up. Meeting and speaking with the therapist wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be. I still feel stupid, now I’ve included a stranger in my mess.. I’ll be going again to learn ways to properly deal with this empty feeling, I know I have a lot of baggage but it was nice to finally speak to someone about everything and get a different perspective. I’m not suicidal anymore, I’m empty and I’d like to believe there’s more to life than this void. I feel a bit more positive overall and I did tell them I don’t want medication, I used medication as a huge crutch and it made me worse if any thing. I’m ready to take the next steps forward in taking back my life. I needed to do this for me and my dog he’s my motivation, I’d do anything for him I love him and getting better for him is my biggest goal.",not depression
dev_pid_2472,I'm coughing frequently so i likely have the covid-19... : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2473,My best friend is depressed and I don’t know what to do : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2474,I showered today! And even washed my hair! : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2475,"Why are we so depressed when America can make us rich? : I have talent and could get an online business going, but wonder why we get so depressed when there is so much opportunity.
Jordan petersen thought one reason our society is depressed is due to modern complexity.
There's a million better ways to live life and make money. 
Then there's the perfect wedding, insurance , mortgage, on and on.
It gets overwhelming.
Why are you guys not happier ""in the land of opportunity?""",not depression
dev_pid_2476,My cake day was yesterday and nobody saw my post : https://youtu.be/Q2JWMpILgb0,not depression
dev_pid_2477,Immmunity boost up for disease : click here: [https://youtu.be/jHpqAs8gr38](https://youtu.be/jHpqAs8gr38),not depression
dev_pid_2478,"Music is the only thing I'm still able to enjoy : I'm so grateful for music, it gives me something to look forward to and distracts me for this hell of a life",not depression
dev_pid_2479,Has anyone read the book “Stop Thinking & Start Living”? : I’m curious whether it helped you in any way.,not depression
dev_pid_2480,"I feel amazing thanks to the corona virus outbreak : In my country, schools, gyms, almost everything have been closed due to the pandemic. I feel unbelievably happy. I was feeling lonely when other people were around me for hours. I am alone at home having a piece of mind, feeling relaxed with no bullshit energy from people, I'm not overthinking, I'm more in touch with myself. No anxiety or weird feelings, my brain seems to be more clear. Past week I have been eating very healthy and I think this helped me also. Of course I get out the house at least for 10 minutes to keep a balance between socializing and distancing myself. No social media for more than 10 minutes a day. I drink coffee, I am smelling the scent of it and I feel grateful for it. I see the sky that is blue and beautiful and I am grateful for it. I am grateful for every little thing, finally. I am grateful that I am healthy, that I can walk, that I can see, that I have food on my table. I think depression can be cured. Been a week since I got rid of it. Maybe this can help some of you people",not depression
dev_pid_2481,"An Open Letter to the Guys That Mocked a Suicide Victim : This is something I wrote a while ago, summer of 2017. It's on my mind today and I thought I'd share it. 
I'm sorry that I spoke out of turn and said that you don't know what you're talking about. I shouldn't presume to know your personal journey. But when the topic of a suicide victim comes up, and you mock the dead, I don't think you *do* know.
That boy was either severely depressed, or mentally ill, or some other similar ailment. He reached out to that girl. I don't know if his intent was to cry out for help, to say goodbye, or to make her feel guilty. I don't know, because he's dead. He's dead because he got back in the car.
She urged him to do it. She told him to get back in the car.
Would he have done it anyway, no matter what? I don't know, but that's what you said, laughing about it like he was such a fool. He's the one who did it, you said. She didn't make him get back in the car, you said. Words like idiot and stupid were used.
So I spoke up. ""I'm sorry, but y'all don't know what you're talking about."" One of you said your brother killed himself, the other said you'd lost some friends. I'm truly sorry for your losses. That's not what I meant, though.
Until you've been there, you don't know. Until you've actually been on the brink of suicide. Until you've stood there, racking your brain, weighing the pros and cons of life or death. Thinking of all the reasons you should just do it. How you've accomplished nothing in life, and you have nothing to offer the world. How your family and friends won't miss you that much, and will be better off without you.
I've been there, close, a time or three. Only once was I prepared to go through  with it. I was stopped by a chance call from my then soon-to-be-ex-husband, calling to gripe at me about something I don't even recall all these years later. He didn't know what was going through my mind, he didn't know what I was about to do. I didn't tell him. He was mean and entitled and it made me so angry. That anger is what stopped me. I didn't know what I was going to do, or how I was going to manage, but for the first time in a long time, I was angry instead of just hopeless. It took something so tiny to pull me back up. To this day he doesn't know that he unintentionally saved my life. Maybe it's petty, but I don't feel he deserves to know. 
I still have moments when I wonder what's the point. I'm open about my struggle, as open as I can be, with my friends and family. It's not easy. My heart know all the reasons to keep going, the ones my head sometimes forgets. I take things one hour at a time, because an entire day can be overwhelming. Days like today, though, they hurt my heart. They leave me feeling a little more broken. Forget sticks and stones... words can fucking hurt.
Again, my heart goes out to you for the loss of your friends, and your family member. But unless you've actually been in their shoes, in my shoes, you don't know.",not depression
dev_pid_2482,"A lot of us will have to stay away from work due to the Covid-19 outbreak. Here's some things you could do to stop a downward spiral. : AIf you are, like me, a semi-functional depressed, work is giving you a lot of stability for everyday life. I'm currently in an optimistic state and I wanna try to share a couple of ideas on what to do with all the extra time - rather than fall (back) into bad habits and start or continue a downward spiral.  
An extra advice is to write down, what you've done that day, without judging your activity (as in: if it's a day spent in bed, just write it down, don't beat yourself up over it!). Some might require buying tools in advance, just make sure you wash your hands before and after.  
\- repairing all stuff that's broken in the house (why is my fridge still leaking and my knife so dull, damnit?!)  
\- deep cleaning - yeah I know it's not fun, but do I actually still need that mixtape from 1997?  
\- pick up a skill - I recently learned how to bake bread, and make simple cheese. But you could do woodworking or other useful stuff.  
\- try some crafts  - this is not ""useful"" as a skill would be. It's ll about fun, Arts & Crafts and things such as bookbinding, painting, drawing, building plane models, whatever rocks your (DYI)boat.  
\- reading - oh yes, you can find out what kind of literature you ACTUALLY like, not the stuff you've been told to read by teachers.  
\- boardgames - assuming you're not alone in that situation and it's more about prevention than one of the family being ill (because don't share cards and dice, if you don't wanna catch the bug!). There are tons of cool games out there on different levels of skills.  
\- fitness - if you somehow managed to keep a habit of doing sports or even going to the gym, try to make a home-workout possible: yoga mats, weights and other things often don't cost incredibly much.  
\- other things like digitizing old photos, getting things in order (...paperwork...?!)  
I know this sounds ambitious and in noooo way, am I gonna do all of them. But lets start with one, first step,.  
If you have anything to add, please do. Let me hear if you made plans yet.",not depression
dev_pid_2483,(working title) : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2484,"5-HTP plus St Johns Wort : Im wondering if anyone has tried this combination. Il just quickly explain why Im asking -
On a quick search of reviews I can see people are saying the efficacy of 5-HTP is very high, but the scientific evidence is it is not. 
Digging deeper, it was not difficult to find some unique use cases for 5-HTP one of them was people using it on a comedown for MDMA. If you read them threads youll realise that there must be truth to this as there is no advantage for those guys to recommend that for sales or other.
Further, Drs will deny 5HTP value but recommend not to take with SSRIs as this will cause serotonin syndrome.
It is therefore my opinion that the mechanisn for this is using a drug with inhibits the reuptake of serotonin (SSRI) in conjunction with a substance that increases the level of serotonin in the body in general (5-HTP) that causes this issue.
Back over to MDMA, we know that this drug will inhibit the reuptake of serotonin, dopamine and noradrenaline in huge quantities. The risk to taking 5HTP too early on the comedown is highlighted by many users. I think its obvious to add this point to say that it is by the same mechanism that 5HTP helps on a comedown. The potency of the MDMA is decreasing as it goes past its half-life. The 5 HTP pushes a surge of serotonin into the system and the drug can still use that as the MDMA effects become weaker. Easing the withdrawl symptoms of MDMA.
Another possible onservation to be made at this point. The people who find relief from 5HTP alone will have issues PRODUCING serotonin but not in the bodies efforts to regulate the neurotransmitter. For those where 5HTP alone does not work it is because the body isnt able to do anything useful with the serotonin in the system.
Cue St Johns Wort, according to research this works similarly to SSRI for both serotonin and dopamine. In fact adding tyrosine into the mix could potentially increase the leves of dopamine also as it is its precursor. In theory a mix of 5HTP and st johns wort could be as effecting as presciption medication.",not depression
dev_pid_2485,"A World Beyond COVID-19 : Here is an interesting view about corona virus... if you are feeling anxious or depressed about what is going on, there is something hopeful here... [https://theinfinitezero.com/p/a-world-beyond-covid-19/](https://theinfinitezero.com/p/a-world-beyond-covid-19/)",not depression
dev_pid_2486,Have you guys tried to microdose psilocybin mushrooms? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2487,Hello : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2488,For y’all feeling sad or alone or with anything you want to talk to someone about (repost because the first one the link was only valid for 24 hours) : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2489,Research Survey : Hello everyone. I’m a Psychology major at Benedictine University and for my senior thesis I am conducting a survey where I’m looking to see if there is a relationship between screen time and anxiety and depression. I would appreciate it if you can take 5 minutes to take the survey. Thank you so much. https://ben.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_2t8vdcSqM0aGpBX?Q_CHL=qr,not depression
dev_pid_2490,"""Stop feeling sorry for yourself!"" : My mother yelled that at me this morning.
""Stop feeling sorry for myself."" 
Hey, great idea. I'd love to. Just show me how to end depression. :-(",not depression
dev_pid_2491,. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2492,"Am more at peace. : Planning a suicide is tiring, I was checking out  r/SuicideBreavement.  It is going to make this transition much easier knowing that there's support groups for my family and friends.  It has made it a lot less suffering for me and have less guilt.  Find peace everyone ♥️",not depression
dev_pid_2493,"This subreddit is not helpful : Just browse by new and you see how many posts are left unanswered. This subreddit has a lot of cries for help but it has few helpers. And when it's a subreddit dedicated to the most common mental illness, I think there should be much more dedication and people who are willing to hear those who come here searching for support. I honestly think this subreddit can sometimes do more damage than it can do good.",not depression
dev_pid_2494,"I was just speaking to my boyfriend who has had anxiety in the past : I asked him if he had a constant stream of negative thoughts about himself and the world around him and he said that he doesn't, but I thought that this was at least somewhat normal? So my question is do you guys have a constant dialogue of negative thoughts in your head or does it ease up sometimes?
Because personally it's constant, even if I'm having a good time I'll have horrible thoughts running through my head",not depression
dev_pid_2495,HLeppp i fell unxared for hnc fpr : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2496,I got out of bed on time this morning : What was your victory for today?,not depression
dev_pid_2497,Find new people : Anyone just want to get to know new people. I’m 18 yr old girl from London. Wbu?,not depression
dev_pid_2498,Anyone else feel like they've gone backwards? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2499,Chat? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2500,Does anyone have any success stories either from themselves or their friends going to a psychiatric hospital? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2501,"My fiance has clinical depression. What can I do to help? : My fiance was diagnosed with depression a little bit more than a year ago, we've been together for 2 years. During this time I've tried to make a mindful effort to comfort her on her bad days, and support her on her good days. I've done what I know how to do, but it doesn't seem like enough. I've never had serious depression, so it's quite hard for me to understand and empathize with her feelings, and this has lead to some conflicts between us. And due to her depression, it's hard for her to answer the question in the title.
I understand everyone is different, but maybe someone who's depression is similar is in this subreddit and will have some insightful advice.
Dunno if it matters, but she is taking an antidepressant as well. I don't know the name, but I do know that it's an SSRI.",not depression
dev_pid_2502,Is anybody else hoping the Coronavirus shuts everybody down? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2503,Stop saying and start doing : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2504,"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
That is all. Thank you for your attention.",not depression
dev_pid_2505,"DBSA covid-19 support : This arrived in my email. Cross-posted to r/bipolar r/BipolarReddit
DBSA is aware that the current public health emergency COVID-19 is causing many people anxiety. Needless to say, taking care of mental health and wellness plans during this time can be challenging. Living in wellness with a mood disorder requires time, energy, and conscious effort; each individual has to find a path that works best for them. When new stressors are introduced, extra attention to self-care and wellness management are necessary. 
For many right now, schedules and routines are being interrupted. Events and meetings are being canceled or postponed. Social distancing can cause feelings of isolation and disconnection. Some feel compelled to absorb news and media—including social media—which can heighten anxiety and panic. However, there are ways to manage anxiety and stay grounded, which ultimately has a positive effect on your mental health.
## Stick with the Facts
Though often unintentional, misinformation spreads during public health emergencies. Getting information from credible sources is key to maintaining a helpful level of awareness. Both Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the World Health Organization offer up-to-date facts to stay informed and resources to help stay well.
### Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)
* [Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19)](https://secure.dbsalliance.org/page/m/913458b/5fd5bff7/4423b4f5/549431db/152569886/VEsH/?g=bzxvJFNw52hbJKjlqvE0ubA)
* [Mental Health and Coping During COVID-19](https://secure.dbsalliance.org/page/m/913458b/5fd5bff7/4423b4f5/549431da/152569886/VEsE/?g=bzxvJFNw52hbJKjlqvE0ubA)
* [Helping Children Cope with Emergencies](https://secure.dbsalliance.org/page/m/913458b/5fd5bff7/4423b4f5/549431c5/152569886/VEsF/?g=bzxvJFNw52hbJKjlqvE0ubA)
### World Health Organization (WHO)
* [Coronavirus disease (COVID-19) advice for the public](https://secure.dbsalliance.org/page/m/913458b/5fd5bff7/4423b4f5/549431c4/152569886/VEsC/?g=bzxvJFNw52hbJKjlqvE0ubA)
* [Myth Busters](https://secure.dbsalliance.org/page/m/913458b/5fd5bff7/4423b4f5/549431c7/152569886/VEsD/?g=bzxvJFNw52hbJKjlqvE0ubA)
## DBSA Wellness Resources
### New Podcast
DBSA spoke with Dr. LaGenia Bailey, former DBSA board member, for tips on how to stay well during this public health crisis. In this podcast, she addresses benefits of mindfulness practice, lifestyle habits, and ways to stay connected with others to avoid isolation. [Listen to the podcast.](https://secure.dbsalliance.org/page/m/913458b/5fd5bff7/4423b4f5/549431c6/152569886/VEsA/?g=bzxvJFNw52hbJKjlqvE0ubA)  
*LaGenia is the founder of East West Integrative healing. Her soul’s mission is to facilitate Holistic Wellness for her clients through the use of Eastern and Western Science. These sciences include sound, mindfulness, and traditional as well as complimentary healing modalities. Dr. Bailey is a board certified neuropharmacologist, a yogi, musician, and singer. She uses her knowledge to help guide people to wellness.*
### Peer Support
CDC is recommending avoiding close contact with others. Some DBSA support groups are using digital meetings to continue supporting one another. Another option is to attend a [DBSA Online Support Group](https://secure.dbsalliance.org/page/m/913458b/5fd5bff7/4423b4f5/549431c1/152569886/VEsB/?g=bzxvJFNw52hbJKjlqvE0ubA). 
### Attention to Lifestyle
Monitoring our day-to-day habits like sleep, nutrition, and exercise play a huge role in wellness. The [Lifestyle](https://secure.dbsalliance.org/page/m/913458b/5fd5bff7/4423b4f5/549431c0/152569886/VEsO/?g=bzxvJFNw52hbJKjlqvE0ubA) section in DBSA’s Wellness Toolbox offers education and resources to practice and maintain wellness. 
### Crisis and Safety Management
Because mood disorder symptoms can heighten in times of added stress, creating a safety plan can help [prevent a mental health crisis](https://secure.dbsalliance.org/page/m/913458b/5fd5bff7/4423b4f5/549431c3/152569886/VEsP/?g=bzxvJFNw52hbJKjlqvE0ubA). **If you are having thoughts of death or suicide, call** **1-800-273-TALK** **or text DBSA to** **741-741. If you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency room.**
As we go into this weekend, connect with others and use all resources available to you—you’re not alone.
Take care,
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance",not depression
dev_pid_2506,"With how crazy things are getting with COVID-19, how are you doing? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2507,I like my friends more than my family. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2508,Coronavirus Self-Care : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2509,"Can someone help me? : Hi,
I know someone with severe depression among other things and am looking for a treatment center where they will be able to use their phone. Does anybody know of any long-term places to look into?
Thank you and I hope you have a wonderful day",not depression
dev_pid_2510,It sucks that we just have to accept whatever life gives us and how it forces us to think that everything happens for a reason just to feel better. : ,not depression
dev_pid_2511,The coronavirus making classes online until April means I have to be home and I’m so upset about both of those things : ,not depression
dev_pid_2512,Music for you all : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2513,"“The novel coronavirus, staying at home but for a solo trip to the store is like living with dread.” -CNN : Well that’s just me for the past 6 years lol.",not depression
dev_pid_2514,For those who need help or want to help : https://discord.gg/BaSZErz,not depression
dev_pid_2515,Tonight : I will be freeeeeeeeeeee!,not depression
dev_pid_2516,It seems like a fair amount of people recommend micro dosing. Can a doctor prescribe it? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2517,"Hi I'm Sad : There's really no explanation for it. I just feel really bad. I'm gonna sleep it off and feel better tomorrow. But god damn, my emotion is this severe that I am posting here.... Sometimes (like right now) there's no good reason for being sad... it just happens.
Life can be hard. Tomorrow will be better. Sorry for the unnecessary post. Love you all.",not depression
dev_pid_2518,I wish I would find someone that would stay with me through the good times as well as the bed. : People come and go. Always come and go.,not depression
dev_pid_2519,"Roommate is depressed, unsure what to do : My (22, F) 32 year old roommate seems to be depressed. I say ""seems to be"" as we don't really talk a lot. She tends to hole herself up in her room for days on end, only coming out to eat and use the bathroom. 
I'm not sure what to do or how I can help her as she is 10 years older than me. She is also very secretive, she doesn't like to talk or chat much. She does not have family, as I understand it she is an only child and her parents were quite old when they had her, so they sadly passed away at a young age. We are living in Europe but she is from Asia, and I've never heard of any family visiting her. I know she has nice friends as I have met a couple of them, but she rarely goes out to see them or invite them over anymore. The flat we share is one that I found a couple of years ago, so in reality it is my apartment but I got a roommate as I cannot afford it by myself. Perhaps she thinks for this reason, she doesn't need to put as much TLC into the house as I do. 
The issue I am having is the fact that she is neglecting on her household responsibilities. We live in a two person flat share, and in the last six months I have had to take care of probably 95% of the housework as well as the bills. This is something I have mentioned to her a month or so ago, the fact that I am struggling with taking care of the house by myself and cleaning up for two people and that I needed help. The split should be 50/50 on household fees (such as internet and cleaning supplies, at the moment, this is all on me) as well as general cleaning.  I know that she knows about this, and I know she knows this really irks me, but she still fails to help with housework on a regular basis. 
I've seen her mop a floor for example (less than five times probably since she moved in here half a year ago) and it is the sloppiest work I have ever seen. She will take one of those dust wipers, without putting a cover on it, spray window cleaner on the ground and mop over that. The result is a greasy, slippery kitchen floor that needs to be re-mopped anyways. Or another example, is the trash can will be full, and rather than just taking it out (we live on the ground floor), she'll just pile more and more things on top of it that the bag rips and the bin needs to be cleaned (again, by me). I'll come home late at night after work and she'll be sprawled on the couch, with the trash still not taken out. 
This has obviously led to some animosity between us. I work pretty regularly, and sometimes I'll leave the house and see it needs to be mopped and vacuumed, and while I work the whole day she is holed up in her room, I come home and nothing is done. Even something as simple as putting the dishes away when they've already been washed and dried. Sometimes even after an 8 hour shift, I am the one cleaning the entire house (kitchen, living room and bathroom) while she stays in her room. And I never even get one word of thank you. 
I don't like to confront people, and I have already reminded her several times that she needs to pull her own weight if she's living here. I think she can sense that I get extremely pissed off when she doesn't do her part of the household duties, so she hides herself in her room and only comes out when I'm in the bathroom or in my bedroom, which only makes the household tensions higher. We rarely talk, and when she does come out of her room she looks obviously depressed. Just total unhappiness in her face.
I know the depression is not something I can help with, I think even by mentioning the fact that she looks depressed to her will only sour the household relations even more. I know she will take it the wrong way if I try to offer her help. My question is, how can I make her pull her own weight in the house and help me with housework when she is obviously depressed? I don't like the current arrangement where I, as a 22 year old girl, am pulling the weight of TWO people rather than just my own. To me her supposed depression is not something that is excusable for a lack of performing half of the household duties. Am I just being to insensitive? How can I approach a roommate who doesn't even like to talk to me about this?",not depression
dev_pid_2520,"Tbh as bad as it sounds I'm actuallg glad that covid-19 is here. : Yes I'm selfish but cant help to be glad because higher chances of me passing away this year, the more the local news reports of the explosive number of affected people the more that I get excited, that's all guys see y'all in the cemetery soon",not depression
dev_pid_2521,"What to say (or not say) when someone is self-deprecating? : What kind of feedback (or perhaps lack of) are best when someone is self-deprecating? To disagree, to give alternatives, to change subjects?
Many times, it feels proper to simply be there with/for the person when this is happening, but when it is time to say something it is challenging to gauge what is best to say.",not depression
dev_pid_2522,"It’s almost time again : Back in high school, I told myself I would never live over 18 because I was going to end it but I was too much of a wuss to do it. Now I’m 20 and hope I have it in me to end it when I turn 21.",not depression
dev_pid_2523,Anybody else just flat today? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2524,"A thing that may help you guys figure out yourself. : There's a sub i created r/onlyifeel  which is for expressing the feelings which only occurs to you and are impossible to categorise in the conventional way.
Which is not simply sad or angry or happy, it is something different that some of us feel and it's real hard to let people know abt tht as it's hard to explain or even write.
This sub is where you let it all out without any judgement.
Getting a happy life is hard but i wish u start figuring yourself out.
Here's to your service r/onlyifeel",not depression
dev_pid_2525,"COVID : I'm getting better now compared to my last suicidal thoughts (about 3 months ago), but still, if I was so happen to be infected by corona, I wouldn't refuse death",not depression
dev_pid_2526,Last year I was incredibly depressed and made this. I am no longer depressed and just want to thank the community for providing a platform for me to steam off the shit in my life. I hope this means something to you. Thank you. : https://imgur.com/a/BGK9226,not depression
dev_pid_2527,"Will watching copious amounts of gore / snuff videos make my mental health worse? : I've pretty much watched everything at this point. From people being chopped up and mutilated while alive and drowning in their own blood, to slowly dying after attempting to self immolate. My question is this, will it have any affect on my mental health? I'm for sure more apathetic now, as if there's nothing else to see.",not depression
dev_pid_2528,Watched All the bright places with my friends : my friends and I watched atbp last week and they were so confused with finch during the movie? it made me sad because of how little understanding peopel have of depression (or in finch's case bipolar? idk),not depression
dev_pid_2529,Hi : I hope you have a great day. And tell yourself that you're a beautiful person because you are.,not depression
dev_pid_2530,If nothing else... : Being sick is good for losing a few pounds 👍,not depression
dev_pid_2531,"As a kid in America, they tell you that you can be anything you want to be. When you leave high school, life hits you hard lmao. The key to life is being happy and laughing all the time 😁😂 : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2532,My boyfriend of 4 years has depression and I’ve seen him at highest highs and lowest lows...he’s at the lowest I’ve seen him and idk what to do : This is me doing anything and everything I possibly can to help the man I love...we have been long distance since we started. I’m on an island in vet school and he’s in the US. The distance seems to be getting to him more than it used to and our relationship is suffering because of it. He has always had a ton of family issues before I was even in the picture and They are overwhelming him to a point that he doesn’t smile anymore. I’m here asking others that go through this or are in a relationship and you suffer from depression. What can I do to make him feel safe and loved? Any And all suggestions appreciated... I want to do everything I can for him...please help.,not depression
dev_pid_2533,"How to hang yourself? : Ok, I know how to tie a knot, but how can I tie a rope on the branch? Which type of a tree should I find?
I'm confused.",not depression
dev_pid_2534,Finally I have a good excuse for my obsessive hand washing : At least something good came from this epidemic I guess,not depression
dev_pid_2535,Terio - Self Worth : [Terio - Self Worth (Audio)](https://youtu.be/WLnKfoY7Ng8),not depression
dev_pid_2536,"What do you do as an outlet for your emotions? : I started crocheting and it's helped with my anxiety a lot. ( So has  Lexipro lol) I brought my crochet project to a party and it helped my social nerves A LOT. I just sat, chatted, and did my thing. It was awesome. 
What outlets do you guys have that help you?",not depression
dev_pid_2537,I get drunk because I feel like I did before the bad depression hit me. : I just want to know if others feel the same way. I know it’s a bad thing to drink feelings and thoughts away but I feel as if I’m my normal self when I drink or catch a buzz.,not depression
dev_pid_2538,Fresh from bilateral ECT : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2539,"Depression does not discriminate : You dont need a reason to be depressed.
 Nothing bad has to happen. It is a medical condition, and imbalance of chemicals in your brain. Your sadness and pain is all valid. If you take medication for it you be probably heard people's dismissive comments about the side effects or how you just need to exercise and eat your veggies. But the honest truth is that there is something wrong with you. And while there is something wrong with you is not abnormal, you are not alone and please dont make yourself do this alone. Your brain is a lump of meat sitting in chemical soup, of course its going to get confused sometimes and send out the wrong signals or none at all. Just like you take medication for blood pressure or diabetes antidepressants, antianxiety, and antipsychotics are all valid medications. People who have depression and anxiety are often seen as weaker, when in reality it is entirely the opposite. They are the strongest, most empathetic people. Please do not be ashamed to get help. And if you ever need anything, just to talk or whatever, I'm here. I've been through this journey, im still on it. But im out of the deep and im seeing the bright side, and I really want everyone around to see it with me. 
I love you.",not depression
dev_pid_2540,how are you doing? what concerns you right now? :  I'll listen to your concerns,not depression
dev_pid_2541,Anyone else feel oddly LESS depressed about having no life amidst this Corona virus outbreak? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2542,I don’t know who needs to hear this but Don’t give up : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2543,"How do you deal with Mother's Day? : TL;DR Mother’s Day and the advertising always reminds me of the negative things I experienced in my childhood due to abusive mother etc 
Mother’s Day is coming up in the UK and I always feel very uneasy around this time. This is because I grew up with abusive parents until I was 14 and then just my abusive mother from 14-18 when she walked out on my father. Both are emotionally abusive and manipulative. 
During this time I always feel so uneasy because there are so many people who have genuinely good mothers who love them and the advertising suggests that if you get your mother a present or whatever it shows how much you love her or whatever. 
I don’t necessarily feel envious of people who do have good parents or mothers but around this time I always feel uneasy because it reminds me of the negative things that I experienced growing up. 
Sorry for the long post.",not depression
dev_pid_2544,"A message to people who are having a rough and hard time : Hey, thank you for reading. I wanna let you know about me first. I'm turning 16 this month. I have antisocial personality disorder, anhedonia and emotional numbness. I have never had any friends and I don't care about anything. I don't care about my mom, my brother, and my grandma. I am incapable of being happy excited hyped horny mad motivated and I almost never smile. Money lost its value for me and I am never grateful for anything. I haven't fapped in almost 2 years and I wasn't mad in almost a year and a half either. I never had any friends and I was always lonely in my house. recently I have made posts about me wanting to kill myself and feeling like i'm going crazy. now its stopped because im just feeling empty now, but one time someone replied to me and said ""it will get better"". now I didn't think anything about it until now while I was showering, and I wanna say, fuck this. things will get better cause the present is the present and we gotta keep going. We don't know what will happen and in the future do we? we gotta keep going and not do the opposite. no, I am not motivated i'm just thinking about the words ""it will get better"". know that there's a future and right now might be different in the future. I say that we all should keep going and try to get help, go to a psychologist whatever is possible. please just REMEMBER THESE WORDS.
IT WILL GET BETTER
I myself am hopefully going to psychologist soon after the corona virus ends.
I hope you will have a great life and good luck with everything you will do to all of you (and with the corona too)",not depression
dev_pid_2545,"All gyms are closed in my area : I know it seems irrelevant or even trollish compared to other issues posted here, but chasing numbers in the gym is that one stable anchor that has kept the barrel of a 45 out of my mouth and I never even imagined that anchor not being stable.",not depression
dev_pid_2546,"Dealing with fuckups : So this is gonna be a slight rant, because I don't know how else to deal with it. 
How do you deal with fuckups? Especially, in things that are part of your principles. How do you manage to not want to kill yourself when you screw up the things that you absolutely stand against? How do you deal with it when something you inadvertently say, one line or sentence, undoes every attempt you've taken to ensure the exact opposite?
I know the common answers - ""Shit happens. Move on. "" Or ""We all make mistakes and we can learn from them"". 
No if I could do all that, I wouldn't need to type this post out. I genuinely cannot deal with it when I fuckup.",not depression
dev_pid_2547,"A Comprehensive Guide on Slowly Getting Better, and Not Losing Hope. : In no way am I an expert, and in no way have I mastered these points, but I have had depression for about 4 years now, and I have seen what works and what doesn’t, and I wanted to share with you all my ideas for how to get healthy. Depending on the person, this list could include many different things, but I believe most of the things on this list could be helpful for most people on this sub.
I write this because it makes me feel better, and because I like to help other people. It makes me less depressed. If someone, anyone, could glean anything from this list, I will be happy and grateful for it. Being in this fight with ourselves, we need others to help us, as we continue to help ourselves.
In no way are these ordered from most important to least.
In no way am I suggesting this is a cure for depression, but these are different ways to start to take control in the face of the inky dark face of depression and self-hatred. I do not see hope for myself, but I believe in it regardless. I hope you can too.
**Exercise Daily -**
Do something you like. It doesn’t have to be the most intense, fat-burning, crazy workout. All I’m saying is try to go for a walk down the street and listen to what you hear. Go for a hike and appreciate the smells around you. Try out the gym for a couple months, aiming for small goals first, and then after you complete those goals, go for bigger ones. Try going and being active a couple times a week, and figure out what works for you, my friend. It can be anything from karate to chess (trust me, this actually burns a significant amount of calories!), from swimming to tennis, from hiking to punching a tree like a Shaolin Monk
**Eat Healthy -**
We always hear this one, and for good reason! It’s simple, but it gets hard, doesn’t it? We want to eat crap so we can feel a bit of pleasure every now and then. I’m not saying pizza is off the table forever, but I’m saying we need to make more small decisions for the majority of our meals. Try out different recipes with fruits and veggies and see what you come up with! Contrary to popular belief, healthy food CAN taste good.
Many depressed people have low levels of Vitamin D (like me) so I take those regularly alongside some Magnesium supplements. I believe overtime this will help make small adjustments in my mood, and hopefully help swing the chemical imbalance a different way.
**Take Meds If You Need Them -**
Talk to someone. If they suggest pills, try them out. I have had pills that swung me the right way (Lexapro), and I have had pills that swung me a very, very bad way (some green looking pill, I don’t remember what it was but I hated it dude). Everyone has different bodies, so this part might take awhile to figure out what works for you. Just… try it. I know it might feel weird to cross the threshold between not taking pills for depression and taking pills for depression, but man it could be a huge step in the right direction. Not a cure, but a step.
**Journal -**
This is a big one for me. I have kept up journaling ever since I was a wee lad, and it has really changed my life. Writing things down (like this) has a way of soothing the soul, I think. Write about what sucks, why it sucks, and what can be done about it. Write about the little good things that have happened today, and what you hope to happen. Write down prayers, thoughts, dreams, cries of anger and defeat, and tears of joy; hopefully at some point.
**Clean Your Room -**
I suck at this, but there’s something about your room being clean that helps you feel a bit better about yourself. Put your clothes away, make your bed, and even try to make it smell nice for once. Get a candle or a defuser, put up some christmas lights, and make it your own personal spot and hide out. You’ll feel better, trust me.
**Read -**
This is one of those that might not work the same for everyone, but I do believe we should all try to read a book we have been itching to read once in a while. No, not a book that you hope will make you look educated or niche, but a book that makes you sigh with relief when you open it up. Read Matilda for all I care! I read that book in one toilet session and I felt GREAT the rest of the day.
**Go Outside Once a Day -**
All I’m saying is 15 minutes. At least. You can manage that. There are days where I self-isolate for hours in my room, and in order to get out of the “funk” it is always helpful to just go outside with some tea and listen. Go to a park, walk to a coffee shop, walk down your street, go for a hike. Just DO something.
**General Hygiene -**
Big one. This is good for your body as a whole, but also for your mind. You’ll hate yourself less if you have taken care of yourself a bit in the last week or so. Take a shower, brush your teeth, get a haircut, trim your beard, de-odor yourself, whatever! You’ll feel slightly better if you look and smell better.
**Sleep Well -**
I’m talking 8 hours at night and not throughout the day. Don’t waste the day away by taking little naps all the time. Do your work, work hard, and go to bed exhausted. You will feel better. You won’t be cured, but you’ll feel better. Your body needs this, friend.
**Wake Up Early -**
Again, this might not be for everyone (as a matter of fact, who IS it for really), but trust me when I say that almost EVERY TIME I wake up early and do some stuff I like, the rest of the day feels better because I did something productive at the start of it. I get this sense of pride and secret accomplishment that no one else knows about, and it’s great!
**Be Wise With Money -**
I know, many people may not agree with me here. I fail in this aspect a lot, so I am not saying I am immune to the allure to porn and masturbation, but I’m telling you guys that life is better without it. I went a year without it once, and seriously it made a HUGE difference. I believe that we can love our fellow humans better without Porn or Masturbation.  You may disagree, but I stay by this conviction.
**Compliment People, Spread Positivity, Without Expecting Anything in Return -**
This is a great one. Even if you don’t believe the same things about yourself, tell them to other people. Everyone needs to hear that they are beautiful, that they are wanted, that they are noticed and seen. Here’s the catch: don’t do it for your own gain. Do it because you have a good heart, somewhere in you. You want to see others smile as much as you want to see yourself smile, regardless of what your personal demons say otherwise.
**Don’t Stay in Your House or Room for Too Long (Poor timing on this one, I know. But go for a walk or something) -**
This comes at an awkward timing, but at least get out of your bed and be productive with something. My worst days are when I’m just scrolling Reddit or Pornhub or Facebook and when I’m just… wasting myself away. Get out of your room, be productive, do something.
**Serve Other People in Some Way -**
This is a bit different from complimenting people, but the premise is the same. Help others. Join a non-profit organization and help out once a week. You meet great people, you gain experience with something new, and you help your fellow man. There’s nothing like it! You are DOING something amazing, even if it is small. You are helping others, and man you are helping yourself. Do something you are new at, and give it a couple months until you try something new. This could REALLY change your life, as it has mine.
**Get Together With Friends -**
Get together, at least once a week or so with someone or some people that you care about. Whether it's at a coffee shop, over a video game, at church, ANYTHING. Just have some contact with people and remind them that you are thankful for them. This may be difficult for some, as it has been for me a couple years ago (and all of high school too), but try it out. The right people will come, I’m sure of it.
**Call Family -**
Whatever family you have, try to be in contact with them over text or call. It has taken me many years to realize the power of a supportive family, and one of the great evils of this world is the breakdown of the family through cheating, divorce, disconnection, abuse; anything that rips a family apart is a terrible thing. But sometimes you need to be the person who tries to bring the family back together, because we all need each other.
**Listen to Music -**
Duh! We all have that one or couple artists that really just speak to us. For me it’s Coldplay and a little known artist named Chris Renzema. They have been with me through ups and downs (lots of downs). I also listen to William Augusto Instrumentals as I fall asleep each night. Very helpful.
**Try Out Therapy for a Couple Months -**
It can be scary, I know. And for me personally therapy didn’t even fully work out for me. But this doesn’t mean I didn’t try it. I tried it for a few months and eventually just stopped because I didn’t feel any differently. This won’t be the same for everyone. At least try it out, and it may be a big help to you, friend.
**Limit Screen Time if you Can Help it -**
Less time on the phone, less time on the computer, less time on the TV. All great things, but all things should be taken into moderation, yes? Find a schedule that works for you. I personally am trying to lower my screentime on my phone to 5 hours a day, and eventually to 2 hours. Small goals, one step at a time.
**Make Daily To-Do Lists -**
Most days, in the morning or the day before, I create a to-do list to organize and plan for the day ahead. I even put small things like brushing my teeth on there to make me feel better about what I accomplished and so I can put a little checkmark besides it!
**Take Care of a Pet -**
I recently got a Bearded Dragon (his name is Henry), and it has given me something new to live for and protect. As someone who yearns for a wife and kids, feeling like a dad really gives me joy and helps me stay motivated. Many of you have cats and dogs, and that is fantastic. Send me pictures of them so I can tell you how cute they are.
**Be In Nature -**
I believe this is for everyone. Get outside when you can, even if it is crappy outside, and try to appreciate what you see. Try to travel to a National Park at some point, and take in the sights. Go for a short hike and look at the trees. We are on this planet to enjoy what is around us, as we strive to protect and appreciate it.
**NoFap, NoPorn -**
I know, many people may not agree with me here. I fail in this aspect alot, so I am not saying I am immune to the allure to porn and masturbation, but I’m telling you guys that life is better without it. I went a year without it once, and seriously it made a HUGE difference. I believe that we can love our fellow humans better without Porn or Masturbation.  You may disagree, but I stay by this conviction.
**Practice Gratitude -**
Stay thankful for the things that you have. Whether it be your health, your family, your belongings, your warm bed, anything. Just remember all the things you are thankful for, and try to stop being so cynical. Again, I do this too, so let’s get better together.
*Now, I am a devout Protestant Christian, and I wanted to include my Christian side to this equation. This is the most important part of my life, and it is the single biggest reason I am still alive right now, healthy enough to write and hope that others and myself can get better, step by step.*
**Pray (For Others and Yourself) -**
**Read The Bible -**
This is the thing upon which we compare everything else. This is my source of wisdom and compassion, as the Lord speaks to His people through His Word. Learn, listen, and speak encouragement to others as you learn from the goodness of the One who Loves us.
**Meditate -**
Christians meditate too! Take time in silence and align yourself with the Holy Spirit, as He speaks encouragement and direction into you, always being ready to compare what you hear to scripture to determine truth.
**Get Together with Church Community -**
**Listen to Worship -**
Take time alone and listen to the beautiful songs of worship made by thousands of different artists that have gone through depression and find release in Jesus name, or are still depressed this side of eternity and are still trusting in the direction of the One who gave it all for them.
***Hope, my friends. Hope. Take steps to better yourself. Give yourself grace. Keep trying. Hope, my friends. Hope.***",not depression
dev_pid_2548,Did anyone else lose the ability to be good at things? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2549,"It is over, do yourself a favor and stop hoping for a future that never will come. : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2550,"I feel dumb as fuck : I just accidentally deleted my 45 hour save slot in Metal gear rising that I got over years with some collectible stuff unlocked etc, I know it’s not the worst thing that could happen but I feel like I just deleted a part of history for myself, like that save slot was the one I always used and the one were I spend all the time I played the game. It’s just that I can’t get it back is what frustrates me and that even if I get all the stuff again it won’t be the same as it was.",not depression
dev_pid_2551,Hello Fellow Soldiers : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2552,Yo who wants to talk : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2553,I don't want to be cured : I just want to stay in it forever I'm never getting out I will stay in it until all of my relatives and friends leave me so I can die peacefully,not depression
dev_pid_2554,This is goodbye (: : I’m deleting this account tonight because my battle with depression has been going since I was 8 years old and now it’s over. Goodbye everyone!,not depression
dev_pid_2555,"PSA: With many companies moving to Work from Home due to Corona Virus. : This was post on fb by a friend of mine, I would never want to take credit for her words, but it should be here. Also, on mobile, hopefully the format isn't horrible. 
Many of us are moving to a work from home lifestyle for at least the next several weeks. This sounds like a dream to many of us. However, regardless of your feelings on working from home a few times a week, I want to take a few minutes to remind everyone about the impact long term work from home situations can have on your mental health.
Loneliness is already an international pandemic being recognized by countries as a major crisis. In fact, the UK has a 'minister of loneliness' dedicated to finding ways to minimize what is happening (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jo_Cox_Commission_on_Loneliness) .
Mental health should be a top priority for everyone all the time. But with everyone restricting social interaction, we are heading down a potentially dangerous path. 
I urge you to take this weekend to do a few things to set yourself up for success. My suggestions are thus; take them for what you will.
Tidy Up
Find the area you will be doing your work, and make it neat and tidy. Clutter will cause you to feel stress, and is likely to make you think about all the things that need to be done around the house. Minimize the clutter, lower your stress.
Divide Your Space
If your only work space is near your bed, do what you can to divide your spaces. Long curtains and room dividers are a blessing. If you can't do this, consider working from your living room or kitchen table; somewhere your brain already associates being active. 
Add Plants
Add plants to your space! I am the absolute WORST at keeping plants alive. The concept of a 'green thumb' is lost on me. However, even fake plants can correlate to a positive boost in serotonin. 
Time Outside
Take 15 minutes a day to go outside and let the sun get on your skin. Doing this 2-3 times a day has been scientifically proven to increase serotonin levels. 
Decorate
If you are like me and have a house that is basically just white walls, do what you can to remedy this. Having decor in your house, especially green decor, will make a marked improvement on your mood and your productivity. 
Play With Your Pets
We all love our animals, and (unless they are cats) they love us. Take 5 minutes every 90 minutes to play fetch, snuggle, or pet them. Not only will the mental break from work give you a boost to performance, but your brain will release hormones to help combat depression and loneliness. 
Schedule Time Together
Many of us are not going to be having visitors. However, if there are others in your household, make it a point to spend time with them each night. Whether it's eating as a group, playing a game, or simply throwing a ball outside, the human social interaction is crucial.
Reach Out
A lot of us use Facebook and other social media platforms to watch our friends and family from a far. This is nice when we have only a few minutes to scroll through posts and see what's going on with those we love. But it's more important now than ever to actually reach out and talk to people. Use Facetime, Whatsapp, Facebook Messenger, whatever you use to have as close to 'in person' conversations as you can. 
By taking a few small actions, you can create a huge impact on your mental health. I know that I'm no expert, but there are hundreds of studies, and thousands of articles on how each of these things will help you and your loved ones. 
Also, consider making a few of these things permanent changes for your lifestyle. Mental health is not something to be taken lightly. We all deserve to be happy. We all know it's hard. So let's do what we can to give ourselves a fighting chance.",not depression
dev_pid_2556,"Can't rely on myself : ""It's my subconscious. Remember? I can't control it.""  
Leonardo DiCaprio's character just takes the words right out of my mouth with that one line from Inception.  
Now, obviously movies can't be trusted to represent reality. But it perfectly encapsulated how I've felt about my existence and living in my own body for, well, as long as I can remember.  
I can't rely on myself. I'm inconsistent. Debilitating emotion comes in waves, half the time seemingly from nowhere. Yet the whole world needs you to be reliable. I can't trust my own feelings; I can't keep playing pretend half the time just to put on airs of being ""consistent"".  
Does anybody else understand what I'm saying here? I'm not strictly looking for answers or something. I want to make sure that what I'm saying makes sense; it's one of the big things I am going to tell my therapist. Thanks.",not depression
dev_pid_2557,"Here's where I'm at. : My room is full of literal garbage. I just spilled a can of baked beans on the floor, and while trying to pathetically clean it up with hand sanitizer and Kleenex, I spilled a can of chili on my bed.
The floor is still stained. I'm not going to wash my sheets. I've had over half a handle of vodka since Friday night. I passed out in my recliner, got three hours of sleep, and then immediately continued drinking when I woke up. I'm on a mix of Prozac, Vyvanse, alcohol, and THC. I'm going to finish the rest of the vodka before I go to bed tonight.
This hurts to read, doesn't it? Because you know there's a real person on the other end. Listen - if you feel concerned reading this, I urge you to look at yourself. You may not be as low as me right now, but if you feel compassion for me over the internet, you deserve to have compassion for yourself. Don't let yourself go down this path. You are worthy of love and happiness. 
I know I am too, and I'm trying. Kind of. Either way, I'll be alright. This isn't the first time. Really not sure why I'm sharing this. I wish you well.",not depression
dev_pid_2558,"I think I'm functional depressed, if that's a thing : I can get my children to school,  but then I lay in bed until I have to get them. Then I sit on my couch until I have to make dinner. Then I wait for my spouse to come home and I make him dinner,  then we watch TV, joke around,  etc. Then go to sleep. 
Nobody in my life knows,  including my husband. He thinks I'm running around all day,  etc.",not depression
dev_pid_2559,"For the first time in a year I feel like I'm doing okay again : I walked passed the hospital I was taken to when I overdosed last night and I smiled because I realise that after the worst year of my entire life I'm finally feeling like myself again.
The bad days still come but I feel like the person I used to be again. 
Everything fell apart and it taken me a while but I'm finally piecing it back together again",not depression
dev_pid_2560,"I could really use a hug right about now : It's been months since anybody has hugged me and I deeply miss it 
This world needs more hugs. Go and hug your loved ones right now",not depression
dev_pid_2561,"Depression with Corona : Hello, 
With the virus that has been going on, everyone is (understandably), urged not to meet people or partake in social events. I’ve had depression and anxiety for 5 years (medicated), and I’m on the more extroverted side. Part of my safety plan and making sure my mental health is good is doing social events, seeing friends. I’ve started a new job in a new country (I’ve been there before but it’s not my home country). I’m worried with this social isolation my depression will get really worse, after all the effort I’ve done to maintain it. Any advice from other people w depression and extraverted tendencies? I can’t go back, I’ve worked too hard.",not depression
dev_pid_2562,"I feel ashamed for being a virgin : I can't stop feeling severe shame for being a 22 year old male kissless virgin. It is influencing my daily life severely, it makes me feel severely insecure and inferior to everyone else.
I am also an unlikeable person, I am quiet and stoic. Most people don't like people like me, they prefer bubbly extroverts.
I am probably just meant to rot away in a corner or something.",not depression
dev_pid_2563,"May all of you be blessed : Im scared
Im angry
Im happy
Im sad 
Im tired
Im confused
Hoping all of you continue to fight in your  journey in life and Please do seek help in  any ways necessary",not depression
dev_pid_2564,"How do you guys get past your inner hatred? : I’m sure many people haven’t, but there has to be some people out in the world that love themselves, but how? What is the first step? I don’t want to be alone anymore, but I can’t get out in the world till I at least tolerate myself. Do you guys have any advice? I’m completely lost.",not depression
dev_pid_2565,hello : i think today will be the last one :),not depression
dev_pid_2566,"I just want a best friend : I just want someone I can message at any time, when I’m really happy or really sad, when I’m bored, when I want someone to talk to or whatever else. It really sucks laying in bed late at night, wanting to talk to someone, but you don’t have anyone to talk to.",not depression
dev_pid_2567,"Worthless and alone : Just feel so fucking alone. Problem is, that i don't really wanna chat with new ppl, just sucks feeling like the few friends that i have are losing interest in me. I guess i don't really deserve them to begin with.",not depression
dev_pid_2568,"For once, I was actually looking forward to something : I have 12 concerts happening in May. I also had concerts last year in October and once those were over I started to just live for those happening in May and now I have to fear for them being cancelled. I don´t know what I´m supposed to do if that happens. I will literally end myself. I don´t know how but I will, if things will be ruined. This is all I have been living for and for once everything was working out and it would have been perfect and now the only thing in my head is the fear. I saw events being rescheduled into 2021. Just because stupid people have to make everything look worse as it actually is. 
I´m scared and I just want it to end.",not depression
dev_pid_2569,"I can't believe myself. : I was doing so well,  my wife paid off my debt, I cleaned up my act and now it's all for nothing. I lost all my money playing poker. I can't believe I just went against everything I worked towards. I can't believe I just let my wife down after all she's done for me.",not depression
dev_pid_2570,"I cant cry : I’m a shy boy. I never reveal my feelings. So over the years my anger, my sadness, my hapiness has just i been collecting and really want to let them go away. But i cant. It wont let me. Im just stuck here with a gazillion emotions in my head.",not depression
dev_pid_2571,"Hygiene Problems : Anybody here with hygienic problems that has managed to beat them? I've really let my teeth go over the years because I'm just so fucking depressed that I can't be bothered to brush my teeth or shower most of the time. I'm both too embarrassed about it and too poor to afford to go to a dentist and get the care that I need.. Like, I come home from exhausting shifts at work and I just want to escape from reality either by doing drugs and losing myself or watching tv, or playing video games. It's become such a habit that I routinely ignore taking showers, cleaning my room, brushing, etc. If anyone here can share their experiences or any advice on how to break this cycle of just waking up and going to sleep without taking care of yourself over and over, i would greatly appreciate it.",not depression
dev_pid_2572,"The one relationship I manage to get in is already failing : I am 17F and asked out a girl 16F (yey, Reddit terms). We are both lgbt obviously hence why we are dating, haha. Her parents are pretty religious and strict, and her Dad used to be an abusive maniac (I don’t know too much about this yet). I asked her to be my gf pretty quickly and she said yes! She hasn’t come out to her parents yet, and when I asked if we could meet up for a first date she said that she can’t because her parents won’t let her. She then stopped messaging (this happened a day ago). I was worried and messaged her a few times today. I don’t use Snapchat much, but I used it to talk to her since it’s easier. It showed up that she opened my messages and hasn’t responded . She’s pretty much ghosted me. I asked her friend, who told me she’s at her Grandmothers house and can’t message. But I’m not sure if she’s telling the truth.
I’m so miserable at the moment.",not depression
dev_pid_2573,"What now? : I feel guilty for thinking of myself during a time where people are suffering and dying. I’m sorry. But I don’t know what do do anymore.
I’m a freshman in college and Ive been going through a lot of different shitty things all at once, and I was at a really really low point. But finally about two weeks ago I reached a point where I felt like everything might be okay, for the first time in months. I realized that I had found my place, I had met friends like never before, who I trusted and loved and felt more connected to than any other friends I’ve ever had.
But then the entire world gets sent home from college. My high school friends and I have grown apart and are still friendly, but I miss the closeness we used to have. Not gonna lie, I’m a little hurt by it, as I tried to keep close contact with my best friends, but their lifestyles rightfully took them in different places and now I feel like our old circle of friends has divided into groups, none of which I fit into. I’m just an outlier, liked well enough by all of them but not needed or really considered. I don’t want to be like “no one likes me” because that’s not the case, they do like me. But I feel like they kind of forgot about me. We’re all in different places now, and now I’m just stuck at home like it’s high school all over again, but this time I’m without my friends. I feel like I have no one. All I do is sit at home and lay in bed, and I will for weeks or months to come. I don’t know what to do.",not depression
dev_pid_2574,"I don’t know : I came back from a 2 month break from social media (including reddit) and honestly I feel like nothings changed and maybe even gotten worse. I don’t know what’s happening to me, it feels like everyday is a drain to live and I hate waking up in the morning to face everything all. Over. Again. I’m just so tired and even if I take a break from it all (school work etc) nothing fixes anything and I just either feel guilty, anxious or just feeling nothing. I fucking hate life. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it.
The only reason I’m ranting here is because I have no one to talk to
I just hope everything will end soon.",not depression
dev_pid_2575,Living is tiring : Life feels so pointless. I don't enjoy anything if anything im just cynical towards most things. I'm tired. So tired. I have one new friend and I imagine she'll get tired of me because even after I try I'm draining on others. Who wants to be friends with someone that's a bummer when they're trying to get better themselves. I feel like this is all I'll lever feel. This is who I am and I won't change,not depression
dev_pid_2576,"It's almost 4pm and I've yet to get out of my bed : It's a nice sunny day outside, I need to do laundry, grocery shop, eat, and clean my room but I cannot build up any motivation. So I'm stuck here on reddit doing absolutely nothing but reading toilet paper memes. Help. Me.",not depression
dev_pid_2577,"Buy clothes and never wear it : I enjoy buying new clothes and the whole process of shopping. When I get new stuff, I’m very excited to try it on and wear it as soon as I can. But I always end up not liking it on me and hide it in my closet till “ the next time”. Or pretty often looking back at my recent pictures I ask myself “why would you wear this?”",not depression
dev_pid_2578,"Young, dumb and in love (?) : I hate falling for someone. Even if things look up first and they like me back, it's all going to go to shit eventually. I get my hopes up, they lose interest and i feel so fucking worthless. I guess i don't deserve those good moments.",not depression
dev_pid_2579,"The affects of having no family : I’ve always been alone but it didn’t affect me this much until 3 years ago, when at 14 I became ill. After that I could no longer depend on just myself. And as a result my family tore me apart. I should’ve recovered by now but I’m still stuck in this stupid loop of being unwell. I don’t have friends anymore and I don’t have any hobbies that I can do or that I even enjoy doing. I like things but not getting that satisfaction from it really sucks because I can’t use it as a distraction. I missed out on a lot of normal teenager stuff like hs, prom, hanging out with friends, driving, relationships because of being ill but also because I had a family that preyed upon that instead of supporting me and helping me to get better. I just don’t know what to do anymore. The future seems too bleak.",not depression
dev_pid_2580,"When I see other people having fun I get weirdly sad : When I go on Snapchat and stuff and see that everyone goes out every weekend it always makes me feel bad about myself and makes me feel like I don't do enough with my life. I literally had the thought process off ""if everyone gets quarantined then I won't have to feel bad about not going out."" I also have a friend who like does something every weekend and has a large number of friends so I always feel inadequate compared to her and it seriously will ruin my mood. Does anyone else get this?",not depression
dev_pid_2581,"I keep staring at my phone : I look at it as though I'll magically get a message from you. But I won't. You have no way to contact me and I have no right to expect anything from you. I hurt you in more ways that I thought I could ever hurt a person and there is absolutely no way I can come back from that.
So I'll keep looking at this goddamned phone, knowing I broke us. Knowing that I can never take back anything I said or did. Knowing that you hate me and have made everyone hate me with you.
And I deserve it.",not depression
dev_pid_2582,I can’t shake the sinking feeling that I’ll never know what happiness actually feels like. : ,not depression
dev_pid_2583,"Tired of feeling unloved. : No matter what, friends or family. My soul knows they love me, but I just can’t believe it. One bad argument, one angry word and it all crumbles in my mind. Any relationship I try to form with a guy fails because he never loves me enough to give me a title. Yet, they string me along because I am convenient and I’m always there. I realize I suffer from something serious. I don’t have any close friends, they’re always using me to vent because I’m good at emotional support. I feel alone. I’m tired of being the strong one, the one nobody suspects is suffering deeply inside. The one everyone always runs to, but gets ridiculed or blown off when I need the same treatment. I hate the way my face looks to other people. I’m frustrated and angry because I can’t cry anymore. My throat feels tense. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I apologize in advance for the immense negativity this post is.",not depression
dev_pid_2584,"Corona is ruining lives : As if normal days aren't bad enough, now there's corona everywhere, schools shut down for 3 weeks, a boba place asked me for a interview but I couldn't go, I can't go to the gym plus it's raining. I don't know what to do staying home all day.",not depression
dev_pid_2585,"I Haven’t Done Anything Today : I just took today as a wash and have been in bed with my cat the entire time, napping on and off. Sort of feels like a sick day. I haven’t done this in months, but had a really weird night and it’s gross outside. I don’t know. That’s okay every now and then, right? Everyone says “get outside for a bit today, you’ll feel better” but I just want to do nothing. No cost, no consequence. I don’t know. Is that okay?",not depression
dev_pid_2586,"I feel like no one cares : I don’t feel like anyone cares about me, I’m always expecting my friends to abandon me, I don’t trust anyone, and I can’t connect to people anymore. Whenever someone says something nice to me I think they’re just saying it to be polite or that they want something.",not depression
dev_pid_2587,"There's a virus spreading around the world, but I've made no effort to keep myself germ-free like other people. : The title isn't supposed to make me sound cool or anything for not caring about this virus. I'm not cool. I'm just tired. 
I don't have the capacity to care anymore. I haven't been necessarily worried because I'm just not. 
I don't always wash my hands or anything when I'm shoveling stale chips and stuff into my mouth. (I keep my food separate from the rest of my family's as a courtesy.)
I don't always get out of my bed to clean up on my days off, and might only stir a few times to get food or whatever. I'm not even sleeping. I just don't have the will to get up and do anything. I'm reasonably healthy, but it feels physically draining to get up and do things some days, even if I'm well rested. 
If I were to get sick, it would be because I don't have the will to take care of myself most days. And I would probably deserve that. I'm just tired of trying at this point.",not depression
dev_pid_2588,"To the silent: : I know you're hurting. I know you feel alone. I know you're silent. I am too. We can do this. Prove it to yourself and yourself only that you are strong enough to fight back. You made it this far so why stop now? You have so much potential and it is up to you to fulfill it. I understand that you are going through probably the hardest part of your life right now but please don't give up. I promise you that there is more to life. You will live your life the way you want to. Hold on to that little ounce of hope you have and I can assure you that it makes a difference. Don't listen to that voice in your head that talks you down. Instead, recognize it and use it as fuel to better yourself. Focus on that little voice that tells you that you can do it. I promise you, you can. I believe in you because you have made it this far and will continue to fight each day. Stay here and fight. If not for you, then for me. You are loved. Message me. We can do this together.",not depression
dev_pid_2589,"Advice regarding a friend please???? Very concerned : Advice regarding a friend please
Hello reddit, I hope this is allowed. 
A friend(23f) of mine(23f) is going in a downwards spiral, she’s very vulnerable and I don’t want to upset her without sounding rude. 
She’s not taking good care of herself, using a fair amount of drugs, not eating much, by the sounds of it not sleeping either, joking about dying and sharing depressing/suicidal things on social media. 
I remember her as such a happy and bubbly person which was up until her and I got into a friendship with a very toxic person which did numbers on us both (at seperate times) but I think because she had no support like I did with having no one to talk to (I did offer to talk to her but we weren’t very familiar of each other at the time) that it really traumatised her a lot. 
Recently we’ve become a lot closer and seeing this from an outside perspective there’s so much I want to do to help but I don’t want to push her away or upset her, I just want to see some changes and I want to see her taking care of herself. It’s scaring me a lot to be honest. I know it’s not my responsibility to help her to ‘change’ and that she shouldn’t be relying on me, I know it’s all within our own power to change. But it’s just getting a bit out of control, I feel like if I speak up about it it’ll scare her away, so all I’ve been doing so far is checking up on her every day or so, asking how she is, inviting her over for girls days like doing face masks and makeup, days out with my partner and child, even just days out with us two sometimes. We’re both into spirituality so we talk about that a bit, I get a bit of my knowledge from her too. I try to get her out of her four walls as much as possible get some sunlight and make sure she’s eating enough. It’s difficult to help her because she doesn’t open up as much yet I know some of what is going on for her because it shows. I don’t want to pry into her private life unless she tells me or asks for advice. I would much prefer her to come to me with her problems as I feel like it’s not my place at all to just go ahead and ask or say something. 
What I’m asking is, how do I approach this situation? Am I doing the right thing by asking for help? Am I doing the right thing by including her in activities? Should I be straight with her? As a friend how do I raise my concerns about the way she’s treating herself? How can I be a good friend/be there for her? How can I guide her in the right path? 
I hope these are the right questions to ask and I hope that was enough. Thank you very much for taking the time to read. 
TLDR; I have a friend who is not taking care of herself physically and mentally. What can I do to help without prying?",not depression
dev_pid_2590,"I live through temporary pleasure : I just go day to day, that’s it. I lust for pleasures that deprive me once I’m gone because I cannot have what others around me do",not depression
dev_pid_2591,"Wondering how people can just be happy and content : I have been struggling with these downward emotions since I was probably a pre-teen but it’s definitely gotten worse in the last few years. It’s difficult for me to make/keep friends because I am seen as too intense, or too dramatic; or I ruin it by constantly thinking I am annoying them or they will get sick of me. When people say they do care or we are friends I often don’t believe them. 
 I constantly feel alone and broken. I started seeing a therapist who suggested I see a psychiatrist because he believes I have depression. I can’t say I disagree but I have also tried Prozac, Lexapro, and am currently on Zoloft and nothing seems to help 
 I smoke occasionally which sometimes helps until my deeper emotions come out and then I just go into a deeper spiral. I’m also married to the man I’ve been with for 13 years. He says he loves me, and tries to show it in his own way. But I need constant affection and attention and compliments which is hard for him, and I am sure exhausting to deal with all the time. He also works an opposite shift so we often only see each other  couple days a week. 
 I constantly feel like a failure as a mother. I try to hide the dark thoughts and emotions from my kids, but sometimes it’s too much and I end up yelling more than I should. I don’t want them to grow up and hate me but I also don’t know what else to do. I would love to just run away, or drive off a cliff but I also can’t bare to hurt them. I am not sure what to do anymore but I am constantly hurting. I hate myself and my life and wish someone would just hug me, tell me they love me and we will get through it together but that will never happen. How are people just happy and content with their life?",not depression
dev_pid_2592,"I’m feeling a lot better lately : So I posted to this reddit a few days ago wondering what is wrong with my life and what I have to do to fix it. I’ve spent these past 2 days with my best friend since childhood and got to spend time with two more friends of my close friends. This morning him and I did a pretty extreme session of workouts and we plan to continue it because our schools have closed down for a long time due to the virus going around. I’ve had the idea of God on my mind a lot more lately. Maybe I just needed a purpose and a little going back to my old ways to cure what I could only describe as a phase of depression. Things are getting better, they surely aren’t 100% but I feel so much happier when I spend time with my good friends and get some time away from my family, not that my family is bad of anything, they can just be stressful. I currently have little to no commitments due to the shutdown of things in my city because of the virus and all I have is time, I thought my mental state would deteriorate vastly over this next break, but it’s done quite the opposite, I feel so much better. I hope and believe it will continue going this way. I will continue praying and searching for answers of what I can do to fix my mental state even more and search for answers of what I can do to find myself truly happy. I’ve been visiting my psychologist more lately too and that helps me find those answers. I also think I might have some form of OCD which debilitates me from time to time but I’ve never been diagnosed or really even talked to anyone about it besides my mom so I don’t know? If you have any comments of suggestions they would be much appreciated. Feel free to reach out to me in the comments or direct message. I’m thinking about trying church out again too, tomorrow morning I plan on visiting a close friend of mine who is in the hospital (and isn’t ever going to recover from his injury, he has been in a vegetative state for years and I just go to be supportive to an extent so don’t worry to much about it) but hopefully it will put me at rest a little more.",not depression
dev_pid_2593,"I'm so alone : Hello wonderful people! Today was ass, no one wanted to talk to me and shit even when I reached out to them. School is eh it's like life is just nothing to me. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't know I just someone who WANTS to talk to me",not depression
dev_pid_2594,"I’m lost need help and explanation : My bf (best friend/boyfriend) is depress and is really good at hiding it. He almost never takes anything seriously and always jokes around. But we have a lot of serious heartfelt talks. We usually see each other every night and spend most of his days off together. Recently there has been a change with his work schedule which made us not see each other for more than a week. During his days off we only saw each other once...he asked me to spend the night when I was leaving but I can’t because of my work schedule and with life at home. After that, he’s been distant for the whole week and kept saying he needs space. And I keep leaving him alone and giving him space but now he can’t give me at least one day to see him and kept saying he wants to be alone...he’s been ignoring my messages and calls as well. I know he was stressed the last time we saw each other.
However, I don’t know if he’s going through something and if I should just leave, because honestly it’s been hurting me too how he’s been treating me this week...
This is my first ever post. I don’t really know how these things work. Please be nice, I just really need help and clarifications...thanks in advance!",not depression
dev_pid_2595,"Any quotes/mantras/philosophies that help you through a hard time? : Personally, I’ve got two that I use these days. 
1. “Nothing changes if nothing changes” ie. if you want different result you must try different methods. This is helpful to remind me that initial discomfort shouldnt prevent me from trying new things
2. “The lesson repeats until you learn” ie. Our problems are ours to overcome. Also feels nice to think of the universe patiently waiting for me to learn
Anyone else have something like this?",not depression
dev_pid_2596,"I can't physically speak sometimes : Weird post but I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to fix this. Or has experienced anything like this as I've had such a hard time explaining this to other people. 
A lot has happened over the past six months which has been a little too much to handle. This paired with anxiety disorder and the sheer loneliness of university i feel like I've forgotten how to talk to people. But this feels a step further then social anxiety.
I now speak so quietly and softly i can't hear myself and the words are jumbled so indistinguishably. I often stutter which makes me retort back into my shell. It feels like there is some kind of cognitive barrier between my thoughts and my speech. It comes in waves, with days worse than others.
I never used to be like this. I applied for CBT but was denied and I do not have a lot of money. I've been trying to get back on to antidepressants but the waiting list for my uni doctors a month. I feel stuck.",not depression
dev_pid_2597,"communicating is hard : i don’t why it’s so hard for me to respond to texts, when i’m feeling bad. i guess this is what it means when people say that depression takes away your friends and family. lol. 
the thing is, i’ve been working on a lot of self-healing and even though i know that recovery is a linear process, i feel like i’m focused on a time frame. it’s like i won’t get there when people are constantly distracting me and asking me to do stuff. i feel remorse about it sometimes, but i really just need to pay attention to myself right now. if people hate me for my distance, even after i’ve told them what i’m going through, well that’s on them.",not depression
dev_pid_2598,i cant stop screaming : WHY WONT ANYONE TALK TO ME???,not depression
dev_pid_2599,"Somethings odd about this world : It doesn't make much sense to me right now. To repeat the same things over and over again, that we all speak the same ideas with different words. Ideas of forming habits to become better, or of love, or of seeing the positive. Because in reality, **it all leads back here, doesn't it?** Right back into sadness, right back into pain. Its said we all need a balance of emotions. Happiness cannot be appreciated without sadness... I often get caught in my thinking alot. We all do, perhaps, maybe like me trying to think of the meaning to this world. The only meaning it has is what we give it. But everyone's meaning is different. Makes it only our meaning, almost meaningless, because It makes all other meanings redundant, including our own. Perhaps Im a over thinker in distress. Ive lived in the lights and the goods of this world. Ive been out of this state. So then why? Why am I forced to question all? I know the light and dark of this world, but what does that all mean? Nothing about this makes sense, its all so odd... Reality inst so fun is it? Or is that pessimism? But then what makes something optimistic? Whouldnt they both be bad? Because pessimism and optimistic views are both wrong if you fully take them on. Wouldnt that mean realism is the best? Then why is people talk about life being so terrible. If realism is meant to see both sides then why are people so dumb as to say its terrible, when its both, good and bad. God what is happening right now to me. Does anyone else get like this? Perhaps this might be more anxiety than depression. Hell I dont know. I get more depressed at the fact lifes more complicated than it is picking my side on how to live it.",not depression
dev_pid_2600,Gotta love it when you're such a weakling that you feel physical pain when trying to make yourself wash your face : ,not depression
dev_pid_2601,"From An Abused kid to An abandoned teenager to a Zombie. : I was always a happy dude running a day and taking a day off and going to the gym on that day, I was working as a freelancer and studying, learning everything I can learn, I was going good, but this is the side that I control.
on the other side, I always had problems with my father, I'm done with him for years now, we never spoke and he sees me only from far away sometimes, he doesn't deserve any less than that, when I was a kid he always humiliated me and the rest of our family, and I discovered that he gives birth to me just so I can take care of him when he grows old when I was 13, when he knew that he lost all hope to get me back he started thinking about ways to get me out of the home without turning everyone against him, after all, I know he wants them to take care of him when he is older, but he couldn't find a way so I went away, 2 times actually, I was renting in other places, but my mom didn't let me, and she kept saying that I should go back home at less till I get 18, I returned home in both times, but the sunrise is that someday I heard my mom talking to him and he was like always trying to get me out of home, and my mom arguing him, and I eard her relly clear, saying that I have menthal heath problems and I'm crazy.
I never really cared about what my dad says but I cared about what she said, she betrayed me.
i was homeless for some time ( we in Morrocco don't have a savings account created for us or any money cuz all I made in freelancing I spent it on clothing and gym and other tech accessories, and it takes time to find rent ) so the first 2 or 3 nights you gotta be homeless, also we have no homeless shelters, you're all on your own.
I had too many bad experiences in my life, I can't really count anymore, but all of that couldn't move me, I was still happy, I had dreams, I'm working on them, healthy, going to the gym and running ( i can say I was 8/10 in all things I do ).
but all of that changed after, one day I was thinking about all my life all my struggling, all of that if it happened to another person ( I'm mostly talking about people that can't fight, for example, people that can't protect themselves ), my dad stopped beating me after 15 years old, it's not cuz he wanted, it's cuz he was afraid of me, my body had almost the same or more muscles than him, and I wasn't the scurry dude at all if he attached it would end up bad for him, and I was also thinking about other problems in the streets in other places, the life is just 10000% full of danger and problems, then I started thinking that it's better if died as a kid before suffering all of that, but why as a kid, I better not be born at the first place, that would have been the best thing ever.
then I take a decision to never have kids and to have surgery as soon as I can, ( NOTE: my decisions are not like everyone else, I was always doing what I wanted no matter what it will cost me, I misaligned my spine to prove that ).
at that moment, that exact moment while I'm finally the 19 years old virgin, I never had a girlfriend before or even a kiss, I never really tried cuz girl in Morrocco are just playing games and I'm not a boy to play, decided that I'll never have kids and I guess get married too ( it's just my theory cuz our brain does anything to guarantee we survive and we give birth, genetics is all about that ).
after less than 2 weeks I started unexpectedly thinking, to what end, why I'm I fighting at the first place, and I started thinking about all the good out there, but it wasn't really something I wanted, I wanted nothing but to end this life, I know there is a problem with me but why, I was good before and suddenly after deciding that I will never have kids, I turned into a dead man, then I found out that the only reason that the mind or we are alive for is to keep this wheel running, but I stopped and my bin knows me if I said no it's 100% no and there is nothing that can change it.
you might think who is this crazy guy, well I'm not crazy and I have no mental health issues before weeks, I'm a web developer/entrepreneur ( just a small startup ), both jobs need intelligent and I can't do them if I'm crazy, but the problem I don't want that anymore, I don't care anymore, I have no point to live for, I have no dreams, no goals, nothing that I want and I don't have and that's is a problem cuz I didn't lose hope, I don't have anything called hope anymore, I'm just a living zombie.",not depression
dev_pid_2602,"Imagine you're driving down a long, dark, road... : Imagine you’re driving down a dark, long highway. You’re hungry and tired, and the car is small so you’re cramped and uncomfortable. You’re unable to change lanes no matter how hard you try, and you can’t get a chance to pull over just to take a break. Eventually, you find that your lane – and ONLY your lane – suddenly stops, dropping off into a massive pit that would surely kill you. You can’t change lanes, so your own choice is to either keep driving and fall straight into the hole, or stop and cause the traffic behind you to pile up, angering the other drivers.
That's what living in this world feels like.",not depression
dev_pid_2603,I only want to be myself : I only want to be a skunk but i know its impossible. I never be myself and i never be truly happy.,not depression
dev_pid_2604,Imagine being in a relationship and loved : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2605,"I'm just a burden. : I'm annoying, stupid, ugly, and nobody likes me/cares about me at all, I just exist and they deal with it.",not depression
dev_pid_2606,Sometimes it’s hard to relax : I have a little 4 year old brother whom I love and wouldn’t trade for anything in the world but sometimes when I want to relax or just want quiet/isolation he insists on being with me and making me play with him etc. It kinda drains me and I know that may sound selfish but it’s nothing against him he doesn’t understand.,not depression
dev_pid_2607,im lonely as hell. hi anyone. : even just a hi back works.,not depression
dev_pid_2608,I feel really depressed and lonely today. : Can someone help me feel better?,not depression
dev_pid_2609,Today was my birthday : I turned 20. I honestly never thought I would make it past 18. I kind of wish I didn’t,not depression
dev_pid_2610,"My life's falling apart and I think I'm just gonna let it happen. : My memory is horrible, my diet is terrible, my mental state is all but broken, nobody tells the truth about me and I'm an annoyance and a burden to everyone that I'm around.
I've had zero motivation to do anything for months, I've lost my job, my friends, my partners and now my college is crashing and burning in front of my eyes because of whatever's happening with me. At this point I deserve all the shit coming my way, fuck it all.",not depression
dev_pid_2611,"Forced to leave my study abroad in Cuba due to corona virus cases : Been here since January. Would be leaving mid April. Now I have to leave Monday, and that's already a late date. Almost everyone else has left. There's a big group leaving Monday too, but we're on different flights. So I'm alone on this. I don't want to pack. I can't find my debit card, it's probably somewhere in all the shit I packed up. I'm sick with something and a heavy smoker. Likely to catch it. And I'm going to go through nicotine withdrawal during my travel. And I won't be home until 3am.
I just don't to do this. I don't want to study here. I don't want to study in Canada. I just want to sleep and smoke and die. Don't want to be anywhere near my father, but I don't really have a choice now.",not depression
dev_pid_2612,"Has anyone seen the music video for Darkness - Eminem : This song really fucks me up, like is my depression going to lead me down that path in 10 years? I really hope not",not depression
dev_pid_2613,"You ever just feel awful for no reason at all? : Currently i have no self esteem, willpower and I just want to be left alone. Everyone keeps asking me what’s wrong, but the problem is I have no idea. I feel like I should be happy, nothing has happened that should make me sad yet here I am.",not depression
dev_pid_2614,"I hate my autism : I hate not knowing what to say, what I said wrong, if I’ll say something wrong, or anything like that.
Everyone looks at lower functioning autists and coos at them like they’re babies while shoving away and spitting on high functioning. 
I lost two friends today because of how stupid I am and I know I’ll lose more. I bet tonight more will leave me. Everyone hates me and no one loves me. Don’t even tell me it’ll pass. When it passes I get new friends then they leave, and the cycle continues. I fucking hate myself.",not depression
dev_pid_2615,"Right as my depression lifted and I was getting ready to change things and get out more, the coronavirus hits and everyone has to self isolate : And for who knows how long. People are getting sick and dying, the medical system is going to crumble, I probably won't be able to get surgery to relieve my chronic pain at this point for that reason, and I'm stuck inside this house. Right as things started looking up and I was excited that I was going to finally even be pain free again, all my hopes were crushed. I have a feeling I'm going to slip into depression again. Anyone else feeling this way?",not depression
dev_pid_2616,"Disability questions? : Has anyone here gone through the process of getting disability (in the US) because of their depression? I think I may qualify for it, and my psychiatrist could certainly attest to the severity of my case (as well as co-occurring disorders) as I've been seeing the same one for nearly 10 years. I'm just curious as to how to begin the process of filing, how much of a pain in the ass it is, how long it took to get approved-- Or were you not approved? If not, was a reason why given? If you weren't approved, how many times can you apply? Will you apply again? Why/why not?
Thank you for any/all responses!",not depression
dev_pid_2617,"I’m such a piece of shit : My sisters never visit my mom, my brother openly, disgustingly, and vulgarly hates my mom, and I feel like I’m not good enough Ever since my mother lost my baby brother, and turned back into an alcoholic. He is now living with his father who is abusive, and my mother already has a history with them, so the odds are rigged against her. She was drunk tonight and annoying me, and I’ve been holding things in for a long time, and tonight my mom literally spoiled me. When we got home with the groceries I dropped a bottle of vinegar and broke it and I reached my breaking point I flipped out. I was screaming, yelling, pacing, and when I sat down in the recliner, she playfully slapped my foot trying to cheer me up, and walked into the kitchen. I flipped out again and swore at her. I called her an annoying drunk, and she walked back in with the saddest look on her face. I am mediately regretted it and broke down crying and started hugging her she said it’s OK but I know her and she thinks that everybody hates her and think she’s a piece of shit already. So this probably just added to that she went to sleep probably thinking that I hate her, knowing her. That’s not what I think it all I love her with all my heart breaks my heart she thinks this way. Me and my sisters and my baby brother love her so much and she just doesn’t see it what can I do.",not depression
dev_pid_2618,"What an absolute whirlwind. I hate my life. : I almost became homeless, then my dad died, now I'm avoiding the coronavirus, and just moments ago my halogen heater inexplicably caught on fire in my new rented apartment of which I luckily stopped with quick thinking and now I'm airing the plastic singe smell away throughout the night to avoid suspicion (thankfully minimal to nonexistent), seeing as I live with my fucking landlord, that was all only in the space of 4 months, and I've had long spells of hell long before that.
I'm a complete nervous wreck. **Bad shit just follows me everywhere.**
I should have had a breakdown of some variety long ago, I'm amazed I haven't had a full scale panic attack yet...or a heart attack. I always feel on fucking edge.",not depression
dev_pid_2619,"Family : I don’t know if this is okay to put here but I just feel so helpless. My (22 F) brother (25 M) is struggling really bad with depression. I don’t really live at home I live about an hour away with my boyfriend. He lives with my parents still. We didn’t have a bad childhood but my parents are both alcoholics and it weighs on us still. My mom has no license due to a DUI and the last 8-9 years my brother has been a big part in driving her to work, grocery stores, etc. He is a homebody. He works but due to the virus his job just shut down for three weeks. I’m home today for dinner and they got into a big argument before leading to him calling her out for her drinking again - and her calling him a free loader - which then turned into him punching a wall and crying and breaking down to me how often he wishes he was dead, has called suicide hotlines, and just doesn’t want to do it (life) sometimes. I just broke down crying because I care about him so much and I don’t know how to help him. He reassured me he would never take his life and he is happy when he’s home and can just play his video games, talk to his friends online etc. He has real life friends but he’s just a homebody he doesn’t like to drink as most of his friends do. and I wish I could take away the pain he’s feeling. My parents aren’t bad people my mom works my dad is retired but my brother is constantly around their toxic habits and I know how much it affects him. I would have him could stay with me if I could but we’re living with my boyfriends family right now as we haven’t been able to afford a place yet.  I don’t really know what I’m asking for here. I just feel so helpless",not depression
dev_pid_2620,"Biology and Physcology : These two subjects can slowly kill you if you know, you know.",not depression
dev_pid_2621,"I was high. What can i say? : **So this is what i wrote whilst stoned on cannabis:**
I share with you something that have complexed and swamped my mind for years. What is life with happiness?
Happiness is defined as “the state of being happy.”, but what does “happy” mean? “happy” is defined as “feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.”. Showing pleasure? But how is pleasure shown? What is “pleasure”? Why is it the fundamental lining of life itself? Why is it the one thing we desire the most but fail to gain successfully?
Pleasure is expressed and described as the way our brain expresses enjoyment, excitement and exploration. Therefore, most addictions are caused by pleasure.  surely then life is an addictions since it is caused and causes pleasure?
**With this theorem, I can give you an answer to the truly unanswerable question, “What is life?”. My answer,**
“Life is an addiction which causes pleasure amongst its beings. Life is not alive and has no achievable goal. It is purely a means of giving meaning to other beings. By not having “pleasure” or “happiness”, you are simply a being without meaning. Therefore, you should make everything pleasurable and express everything as happiness because life is an addiction that cannot be overcome. Therefore, it must be controlled.”",not depression
dev_pid_2622,I give people too much credit : I make the mistake and assume that everyone i meet is inherently good. I sometimes just don’t realize how bad people can really be. I know they have their reasons why they act like that but that doesn’t justify their actions immediately. When I assume someone is actually a good person and they just show their other side it just breaks my heart. I gotta be careful to the people i open up to because they might just ignore and go away.,not depression
dev_pid_2623,"Something I worked on today and wanted to share : Felt good to get it out of my head. Feel like I’m only living in order to keep rowing for my boys
https://i.imgur.com/x4EQdfO.jpg",not depression
dev_pid_2624,Perhaps Covid19 will end the suffering : Terrified of the breathing difficulties that come with it though.,not depression
dev_pid_2625,:/ : I wish I could take the place of someone who doesn’t deserve to die.,not depression
dev_pid_2626,"Read : I really don’t want to explain what the hell is going on.
Is there any quick ways to be happy?
Shit has gone down in my life and i get a sense of deep sadness and helplessness.",not depression
dev_pid_2627,"I don’t feel like myself anymore : I don’t think I’m depressed, but I figured this subreddit would be the best place to post this. I’m a freshman in high school right now and I feel so damn lost. I used to have a therapist to help me, I talked to him about stuff, but I stopped talking to him in 6th grade and now my parents are dealing with stuff. My brother is autistic, and he’s non verbal.  He requires a lot of attention, he’s broken holes in walls at our home, he’s scared guests away (which makes me unable to host events) from our house, he screams constantly and makes it hard for me to think, and it feels like he’s constantly angry. I don’t want my parents to focus their attention on me because they’ve already got a lot to worry about themselves, but I don’t feel right. I have to take care of my brother in the future and I don’t know if I’ll be able to take care of him and live my life normally. My mom moved to America when she was young, and became extremely successful, and now she wants the same for me. I told her about my dream job, and she basically told me that she wanted me to do something that would make more money. I don’t want to disappoint her, but I also don’t agree with her that work can’t be fun. I think that work can be fun, and that there’s more to life than money. My grades went up from all B’s and one C in the final quarter of 8th grade to all A’s and one B+, but it feels like I’m studying for nothing. What are grades gonna do? Get me a better job? Get me more money? What am I even going to do with that money! I can buy stuff, but I won’t buy happiness. There’s no object that can fix what I’m feeling. The only use for money is allowing me to live in a safer neighborhood, giving my kids (if I can even have them since I’m taking care of someone already) a better future, or donating it to people who need it. Not to mention having no school for 4 weeks is making me feel bored, which makes me want to amount to something, but I don’t know what! I used to think the future would be awesome when I was younger, but now it looks horrible, I’m scared of it.",not depression
dev_pid_2628,"It’ll never get better will it : My life isn’t worth it, it’s never been",not depression
dev_pid_2629,"Would they notice? : I'm with my boyfriend. We went to another state where his band was invited to play, in an RV owned by the band's singer. I feel so...apart from them. Like I could just get out and walk for hours and hours and no one would notice or ask where I had gone. Watching everyone interact like it's -normal-. I wish I could be normal. INTERACTING. Meaning something. I know it's not real but I can't help it. They move around me, and I'm a minor element of their environment, but I'm not important, you know?",not depression
dev_pid_2630,"Feel like nobody likes me anymore : Theres 1 friend that i have, my only friend really. Shes away at school so we only talk through text. When shes at school we talk constantly. Making plans for the next time shes home, talking about how works going for me and classes for her. But when shes home its the exact oposite. Im lucky to get 1 text a day. And all the plans we made go right out the window. As soon as shes on the plane back to school shes back to making plans and all that stuff. I tried mentioning it to her but she dismissed it like i was crazy. I havent seen her in almost 2 years. I dont know what to do. Shes the only person keeping me sane right now. My jobs gone to hell and i dont have a social life outside of it. Right now lifes just a constant cycle of go to work, dont talk to anybody, try not to get injured while working, come home to my empty apartment and sleep. Been like that for about a year. Dont know how much longer i can do this. If this post hasnt made it clear i could really use someone to talk to right now",not depression
dev_pid_2631,Wow so amazing : Thank you to everyone! You guys have made me feel welcomed and appreciated!! Most importantly I don't feel alone! This community is so helpful!,not depression
dev_pid_2632,"I’m sick of it : im sick of no one loving me, I’m sick of being the one person in the friendship group everyone forgets about, I’m sick of listening to music too loud and giving myself tinitus but I can’t stop no one in my real life even takes me seriously. listening to it at high volumes is like an addiction. I’m so sick so sick of it all. 
it feels like everyone’s moving but I’m just stuck. all my friends have relationships but no ones ever told me they loved me in that way my whole life. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t even fathom the thought of kissing someone never mind having sex with anyone like my friends are talking about. I find it hard to have platonic physical contact with my friends never mind romantically.
one of my friends who I low-key hate but I can’t get rid of her has got so many people asking her out it’s insane. she’s so obnoxious but she’s really loud so I guess people notice her therefore someone will like  her. The more extroverted you are the more people will like you. I have no chance. 
This friend is also so self centred. She always thinks her problems are more important than anyone else’s just because she’s poor (not the kind of poor that you don’t have food, just working class) and that no matter what your going through she has it worse. She said this to my other friend, whose family member is terminally ill. None of us knew this at the time, but it just shows that you never know what goes on in someone’s life, even if they have more money than you. I also said honestly to her once that ‘I have never felt so bad as I have these past few months in my entire life’, and she replied with ‘I have it worse because (insert problem)’
I’m doing ok in school but the pressure and worry is always there. And then after school? What will I do after? Will I still be a sad hermit who still doesn’t go out to parties in fear of embarrassing themselves? Will I go to university? Will I get a job? Will I be a 39 year old virgin, if I even make it that far? Will my parents be dead? Oh god. 
I don’t know if this is depression this feeling I’ve had for what 4 or 5 months I’ve never felt this sad and alone in my life. I don’t know what happened. Nothing really changed. A family member I hadn’t seen in years died, but it didn’t really affect me.",not depression
dev_pid_2633,Appearance changes : Has anyone else had their physical appearance change because of their mental heath issues? I’ve noticed that over the past year I started to look ill and idk unhealthy? People have commented on it as well which sucks because now I can’t even hide the fact that I’m not okay.,not depression
dev_pid_2634,"I just remembered a life defining moment : It was first grade. Award ceremony for numerous things. 
I don’t remember what the award was for, but it didn’t matter. 
One by one my classmates were called up. They all started gathering on the stage. I sat there on the floor, crisscross applesauce, thinking “almost time to get up” 
My name was never called. I sat there in a empty space of the floor, crying in shame. It felt like all eyes were on me. My mother was probably disappointed since then. 
That day, it should have sunk in that I was never going to amount to anything. 
Just like before, all I can do is sit here and cry. The only difference is now I’m begging to die.",not depression
dev_pid_2635,"I just don’t know anymore : I’ve been thinking I don’t know what the real me is. Am I the happy mellow guy or am I actually just this depressed silent person. I don’t know the real me. No one I talk to knows what I go through. How hard I work not to cut for their sake. How hard I try to pull myself out of this hole only to be dragged right back down in minutes.
Theses people say they care, but don’t bat an eye as they watch you fall. Is it really worth all this effort I put in for them",not depression
dev_pid_2636,"Every year, I look less forward to my birthday : So today/yesterday was my birthday. My family got me a birthday cake like they do every year, sung me the ""happy birthday"" song and I blew off the candles. But to be honest, I would have rather they didn't, because at this point I have come to almost despise my birthday. What's the point of celebrating 28 years of existing in this pitiful world, especially seeing as every year gets worse than the previous one?
I know that there are people in this sub that don't get wishes or presents or cake on their birthday and feel really bad about it. Well I wish I could switch positions with you. That way, both you and me would be satisfied. Sorry if I come off as arrogant or ungrateful, it wasn't my intention.",not depression
dev_pid_2637,What is depression? I dont mean the definition but at what point are you depressed? I hear people throw around the word depression a lot when I think people are just really dissatisfied or unhappy.. so what exactly is depression and how do you know when you have it? : ,not depression
dev_pid_2638,"to anyone here : remember. you matter. it may not seem like it, but im sure there is at least 1 person who wants you in this world.
if you want to anonymously talk out, feel free to dm me. 
suicide hotline - 1-800-273-8255",not depression
dev_pid_2639,"Everyone is the same : Yes, everyone is the same. Sounds like I’m generalizing but when you give enough people too many chances only to realize they will always leave you on read and make your life hell then yeah. I can say with confidence that everyone is the same, I can’t do it anymore. I prefer to just be alone for the rest of my life because that’s the only way I can truly not experience the emotion I feel from getting left on read and ignored",not depression
dev_pid_2640,Is my life over? : I'm 26 with a mild intellectual disability and an IQ in the low 80's.  I can read words really well but I have difficulty retaining what I read and I barely graduated high school and dropped out of college my second semester.  Due to anxiety and my cognitive disability driving is near impossible for me.  Since I can't drive and live in a rural area I don't have a job.  I'm looking at remote positions or moving to a city to try and get a decent job.  I'm just worried with an ID I'm doomed to live a life of poverty and won't be able to develop a skill and earn a good living without a college education.  I just really don't want to go 100k in debt.  Also I've never dated and have only had sex once in my entire life.  I've contemplated suicide occasionally in my life I just am so lost what to do.,not depression
dev_pid_2641,My friend F*cked my crush/close friend : So I was never truly depressed til last week I found out my close friend(a female) lose her V-card to my close friend(male). The problem is I've never dated anyone but her personality really makes me fall for her and I really like her but every time I think about her now I think of my friends D\*ck in her liking it. I havent told anyone but id like some feedback on how to comprehend or handle this/move on. Also in in HS and I get semi-bullied for being late blooming. This also hurts but luckily my mom has taught me not to worry about Sh\*t like bulling but friend F\*cking really hit me hard. please someone help me.,not depression
dev_pid_2642,"My friend is going through a hard time, I feel so powerless. : I've recovered from some big mental health issues myself, but I'm realising that even if I give perfect words of encouragement or places to go for help.... I'm still at the mercy of how their emotions make them feel. I know that good words can be twisted by the depression monster. 'of course they would day that, they are lying to make me feel better' .... 'perhaps I'm worse than they can help' .... 'there is nothing that can make this go away' 
It hurts me so much that I can't do anything to take this pain away. Nothing I could do to change the nastiness our brains can throw when we are unwell. Sometimes it feels like the emotions will never pass and no one can fix you. These are such awful lies depression tells us. I know it will get better and I know it's a fucking awful battle to get there.
Friend I promise I'll be there for you. I'll sit with you whilst you cry or panic and I won't judge you for it. It's a part of life and treatments get better every day. You are not alone and you never will be. Death is only the end of the opportunity to get better, takes away the love and experiences you can feel. You reading this probably have several people that only want your happiness. And I promise you they won't judge you for how long it takes. This monster is cruel to you and will make you feel like everyone is against you, but it's not you.. It's the illness. You will get better and I will be with you no matter how you are during this journey. I'll sit by you sobbing and I'll treat you just as I would if you were happy. Nothing can change how much you mean to me. Depression does not make you any less of such an amazing friend. Depression does not make you any less amazing in my eyes. I only look forward to your smiles. 
You will smile again. Even if you don't I'll still love you.",not depression
dev_pid_2643,"Im done loving my mom. Fucking done. : So today was my birthday. I got up early and took and shower and got ready nicely for once and thought that today would be an actually good day. My mom and I went to eat lunch at a nice deli and got home at about 1:30. She told me that in a bit we'd go to the mall and she'd let me pick out some stuff that I wanted and that we'd go out to eat and that I'd be able to invite some friends over. I ended up watching TikTok for a long time and suddenly it was 7:30. I go out to look for my mom and she's asleep in the car and won't listen to anything I say. At 7:45 she came inside and told me that she'd go get some nice clothes on and that we'd leave in a few minutes.
Time goes by. I have on a nice sweater and jeans and jewellery and I'm just waiting. 8:30 rolls around and I'm starting to give up because the mall closes at 9 and lots of my friends can't leave for anywhere after 9. I started crying and went to ask my mom if we could go. She told me that it was too late and that it was my fault for not getting anything done soon enough. I told her that it was *her* fault and she calls me a bitch and tells me to go fuck myself and so I slammed my door and threw my shoes (that I've had on for an hour waiting for her) at the door and she comes in her and beats me with the fucking shoe and tells me that I'm a worthless brat and don't deserve love, time with her, or a happy birthday and then she leaves and shuts the door and then opens it again just to slam it. If anything has made me feel more worthless or want to kill myself its this. I called around my friend group crying and told them that all birthday plans were cancelled.
This happens all the time. I don't see my mom as a mom anymore. Fuck my life.",not depression
dev_pid_2644,"Boyfriend just called me lazy.... : He’s seen me struggle at my absolute worst for the last 8 months.... he’s seen me pull myself up and do everything I can to get myself better.... 
he doesn’t know what it’s like, and I’m glad because I don’t want him to experience this invisible illness. But my jaw hangs open right now. I’ve known he thinks it but he finally said it out loud and I’m too numb to argue or explain or do anything but let tears slowly fall down my cheeks. He sees me in bed all day while I’m not at work and struggle to make myself food or go grocery shopping or shower as lazy. I’ve made it to the gym every day for a week and I have been crazy proud of myself, but I’m still lazy to him. He doesn’t understand and I can’t make him.",not depression
dev_pid_2645,"Are you responsible for your own hurting? : Is it me or does anyone else always blame themselves for getting hurt by other people? I always try to reason why a person hurt me, where that person was coming from and how something I did might have led them to do what they did and hurt me. While that makes me less angry with people, it makes me feel ashamed and pathetic.",not depression
dev_pid_2646,"Why don’t they understand? : It hurts so much, but nobody from my friends or family gets it.",not depression
dev_pid_2647,"Pessimistic pains : I don't know if I'm a good guy or influence for my crush
She's talking back to me and we're flirting so you'd think that i'd be happy right? No I seem to make the worst out of every scenario no matter how positive I try to be. I'm just this toxic boring lonely mess and she's a fucking beautiful smart talented girl. She's waaaay outta my league and I'm just stunned that she actually has any interest in me. It blows my mind how some fucking failure of a person like me can kinda hit it off with a girl like this. I doubt that anyone would treat her better than me. What I do know is that others can provide more for her than me and have more time on their hands. More money, intelligence, talent, funnier. Just more than me. It's making me sad that my crush likes me yeah I'm actually this stupid. 
I know that you guys are rolling your eyes over this complaining idiot who seems to be doing well in life but my mind just drags me down. I want to cry",not depression
dev_pid_2648,"I felt better for a few months; now I'm worse than ever : It's never worth it. You put your heart into things, into people and it's never worth it.
I don't think I'll end my life but each day it makes a little more sense, you know? It seemed absurd once. Then I could see how someone could do that. Now it almost seems like a good idea. I can't because of my family.
I was unhappy cause I couldn't get a job, didn't have money, had too much time I spent sleeping and depressed. Now I have a job and it's not that bad but I still hate it. Life is suffering whatever way you look at it.
It's like my sinapses align once in a while and I just think ""I'm done. Finish the show. Bow out"" and then I snap out of it.
Then I feel like I'm performing my depression. Hey, I'm actually in control. I wouldn't harm myself, right. Right?
I hate this.",not depression
dev_pid_2649,"Status and Validation : I've got a crippling need for validation. I've had it since I was little and it's always gone underfed. I've never had a serious relationship, never had a great job, and never wanted to aim high because I'm fine the way I am.
But today two things set me off. I girl I like but can't have was gushing about some guy in a fancy car; and being talked down to by a younger co-worker who is here under a month and is insulting my work ethics.
I should be better but I just cracked. I'm trying not to be nihilistic but it's so hard not too. I thought I was old enough to not care and not to think twice about it. Here I am with my throat cinched, and feeling like I'll be alone forever and that I won't have a happy life without a big job and big reputation(it's dramatic I know).
Playing the game of being a big shot with a big house and a demanding job sucks, just to be noticed by those whom might love you. I don't want to play that game, I'd rather not drive, I'd rather work on what I care about.
21 (m) Canada",not depression
dev_pid_2650,Corona : Is it safe to go to therapy weekly with the whole corona pandemic going on?,not depression
dev_pid_2651,bad habit of saying i wanna die - anyone else? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2652,"Small break of a weird thing that happened to me today : My mom has a cat and been with us for a year and she never goes near me. Like ever. We kinda mind our own business and today she just jumped on my lap??? Out of nowhere? I was so confused and weirdly honored? Anyway, that was not related but hope everyone is having a great day. Thought I’d share this miracle.",not depression
dev_pid_2653,I want to get better but i don't know how : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2654,Not again : It's happening again and I'm scared. I feel it coming and I just want to hide and cry.,not depression
dev_pid_2655,"A broken heart : I need to let you go, for everything that you said, it's making me feel truly so alone. This broken heart in my chest, won't you please put me to rest, so that my mind might float away.",not depression
dev_pid_2656,"I was thinking of maxing out two credit cards to : Buy a gaming laptop that I could game on and stream games with while I play in hopes of making money or getting money in the process from people watching my streams. Thing is I have no one interested in me and figured it would be too hard to get pretty popular in gaming/streaming at this time and day in age since there are so many out there who are huge into it and have thousands of followers and make a full time living out of it. Would be hard for a dead beat like me to do that.
I just hate living on disability being in debt and having no other source of income other than my $800 a month. I just can't keep doing it anymore. I wish I had a few hundred more a month to live on if I could clear 400 extra a month I wouldn't lose my disability and it would help me big time financially.",not depression
dev_pid_2657,"you're worth it : if you're browsing this sub, feeling bad about yourself, or if you're searching for people who understand you, or if you're just mindlessly scrolling, just stop for a moment. take this as a sign. you're okay. depression is so hard to battle. if you have the energy, do one of these things:
1. go and get a glass of water
2. walk around your house for a moment, stretch your legs
3. message an old friend for a catch-up
4. write all your feelings down in a journal
you are worth recovery. you're worth the little things, like waking up to the sun and a fresh breeze, finding a joke that you genuinely laugh at, the possibility of meeting new people and getting better. because you *will* get better. this is all part of recovery, and you can do it.
this is a sign to carry on, if you need one. you're loved, wanted, valued, needed.",not depression
dev_pid_2658,"Struggling with having no desire for anything, I don’t even desire to be happy one bit. : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2659,"I hate life : I fucking hate existing so much. Everything is constantly exhausting, the only thing that keeps me going is my three friends. My skin is so uncomfortable and itchy all the time and I’m sick of always having anxiety, I just want life to be easier and not a burden.",not depression
dev_pid_2660,I think my 8 year old niece is seeing a dark entity and not my dead sister. She said she’s dark and her voice is deeper and all she can see is her hands and feet. What do I do? : ,not depression
dev_pid_2661,"A novel realisation : I was watching this national geographic docu not too long ago. They were monitoring this group of monkeys with a robot-babymonkey that had a camera hidden inside it. One of the monkeys grabbed the fake baby to take care of it but in its fervour dropped it by accident. The robot was built only to move the camera, and not to be able to get up so it just lay there. The group of monkeys seemed to think this was a baby monkey that just died. Without knowing the baby monkey or where it even came from they instinctively started mourning. It had a big impact on them.
When I die I'll at the very least have the few remaining people around me experience this instinctive apebrain sense of loss regardless of any factors. I'll at least have had some kind of impact, though hollow and meaningless the origin of the impact may be. Biology will at least make my death be slightly less meaningless. Too bad only then will people start thinking that they care. Would be a little too late.",not depression
dev_pid_2662,Being happy means not thinking : Seriously. I think im at a breaking point and I'm scared because I have no one to talk to and I think im going to crack,not depression
dev_pid_2663,"is anyone out there? : i'm sorry if this seems preachy but i felt like i needed to make this thread, at least for my own personal sake.. i dont want sympathy or pity. i dont want any more medications to make me feel better. i dont want to keep a smile on anymore while everyone around me has a frown and acts like i dont have any feelings
i just want a friend who occasionally cares about how i feel. im tired of being everyones second or third choice, the constant butt of the joke and the one that no one would dare hang out with after i spend all my time making other people happy and going out of my way to make sure my friends are in a good position. i cant take it anymore. i cant help these feelings that i have and i dont see a point of living anymore. its clear i wasnt put on the earth for any sort of happiness or joy because its a constant drain to have everyone in my life take that happiness away from me and making me an after thought. so fine, i'll go through with it and maybe at my funeral everyone can pretend like they actually cared about my feelings and wanted to see how i was doing. sure, let them pretend like i mattered to anyone.
i'm sorry,  i know this is a silly post. i'm just in a really bad headspace right now and i just want to know if theres a single person who knows or even cares i exist. i just dont want to feel like such a failure anymore and i dont know what to do. i just wish i mattered. even a little bit.",not depression
dev_pid_2664,"Just broke up with the man I thought I’d marry : We were going to celebrating three years in early April but he’s been incredibly distant lately. I try not to bother him too much when he gets distant because I’m the past he has told me that he might have depression so I never want to bother him. Today I realized I can’t keep living like this, he has barely touched me in the last year, we never do things together... so I asked him if he really wanted to be in this relationship and he couldn’t even answer me. I told him that I felt like I was fighting for something that didn’t exist and he told me that he hasn’t felt a spark in a year and has just been going through the motions. I’m so hurt because there have been numerous times he could’ve told me... we renewed our lease a year ago, we adopted a second cat, I’ve directly asked him if were ok and he’s said yes... I feel like I’ve been lied to for the last year. I thought this was just a bump, I had just planned a nice dinner for us that we were going to go to tomorrow, we were talking about going somewhere for our anniversary... and I’m laying here in our second bedroom still waiting for him to come home even though I know it’s over",not depression
dev_pid_2665,"Your pain is valid : To everyone who are ashamed that they are miserable, it’s okay. 
Even if you think your life is good and you have nothing to complain about, it’s okay. 
You are not alone. 
Your feelings are all valid.",not depression
dev_pid_2666,"Why do I feel like I fake everything for attention? : I really do feel like garbage all the time.
Physically and mentally. But there’s this small voice in my head that’s saying I’m like a master manipulator. Even my conscience is critical of every feeling I have, and it makes me feel ever worse.
What’s up with that?",not depression
dev_pid_2667,"❤️offering my company and my friendship❤️ : Hi everyone! How are you guys doing? If anyone here in this subreddit who desperately needs someone to talk to in daily basis, then, I am here for you... I been so very depressed, lonely and hopeless before so I truly understand the whole scope of reality and truth of feeling this way... If you just want to let out the heavy burden mental feelings you are carrying inside, then, I am here for you, I can lead you an ear... I will try to be the friend you need in life.. I want to offer you my understanding, my company, my friendship, my sympathy through chatting... you are not alone in this difficult battle, my friend... so, if this post speaks into your heart, just private message me... I use discord, or emailing, or google hangouts... Hope to hear from you... Take care, and God Bless... Hugs! Xx",not depression
dev_pid_2668,I want to have someone to talk to but at the same time I don’t know if I’d be able to keep it going. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2669,"Sometimes it feels like I don't know how to be happy and I don't know what to do : Life's going really great. I'm getting married in a couple weeks, money's super super tight and we're coming up short. I keep panicking about money. My fiancé is out of town for a while and that's been really hard. My cat is sick and has diabetes and that's costing an arm and a leg. It feels like whenever I get ahead I just get dragged all the way back down. I just want to sit here and cry all day but I can't. Works shitty and the whole Corona virus is getting scared. I want to be happy, ii really do. But just something is missing and I can't piece it together and figure my self out. I've been smoking a decent bit of weed lately but not too much. I have been going to the gym and losing a bit of weight and getting into better shape. I need to be happy, I need to be ok but I can't and I don't know what to do. Sorry for the rant I just need to get it out.",not depression
dev_pid_2670,yep : I deleted facebook it really isn't healthy for me looking girls up and stuff that is not healthy idk what I was thinking.,not depression
dev_pid_2671,Doomy night : No one will text me back and everyone seems angry at everything. Just so lonely today and on the verge of either having a panic attack or stress barfing.,not depression
dev_pid_2672,"Gotta love isolation. : Hey everyone,
So I travel for work, I've been on the road the last 10 months, staying in hotels at least a week away from home at a time. And it has really taken a toll on my mental health, my depression has taken a massive hit, and I genuinely feel like nothing is worth it anymore, for instance I used to love baseball and softball, I still play softball but I just don't find the enjoyment out of it anymore that I used to. Among other things like music, writing, etc.
I haven't been on a date in two years, I had a woman not too long ago when I walked up to her, she looked me up and down, said ""ew"" and walked away, kind of laughing. No joke. Every woman I talk to either ghosts me, views me as a friend, or doesn't see me in that way. And that's genuinely the only thing I've ever wanted out of life, is a beautiful wife and kids, but if I can't even get a text back or anything, then that might as well be long gone. And any woman that does find me attractive I'll honestly never pick up on it because of all the ghosting and everything I just assume that whenever I'm even carrying on a conversation, whether it be small talk or in depth, she's already thrown up at the thought of being with me. So I just never act or seize the moment to try and flirt ya know? And all my friends are getting into relationships and asking me why I haven't found anyone yet and my usual response is ""you let me know when you find out, because I sure as hell can't."" 
I go out of my way for my friends and whenever they are upset, suicidal, manic, or just need help I'm there for them regardless, but the moment I try to say anything to them asking for help, I just get a ""same"" or left on read. Or just blatantly ignored. Which has genuinely brought me to the conclusion that I deserve all the shit and depression and everything that's happened to me. And is happening to me. I was a very religious man at one point and kind of fell off track, but I pray every night, and feel like there is absolutely no hope for anything to ever be close to how it was.  And all of my ex's are engaged or long term happy relationships, and I'm happy for them, I really am, I'm glad they found someone they love forever. Just kind of wish that were me or I could get that. I just feel like I'm a filler person in life you know? Meant to get them from one person to the next, like a phase, just never meant to be permanent just for plot holes or plot development.
I honestly don't know how much longer and more I can take.",not depression
dev_pid_2673,"« Real heroes don’t project their insecurities on others » : In the past months, I’ve been going through rough patches. I’m picking up the pieces, like I’ve been doing for years.
But lately, I’ve been hearing comments that resonate in my heart.
My mother had a fight with my stepdad, due to his depressive episode, and he has been projecting his emotions on her. It was taking her down. I’ve asked her if it was bothering her when I was having my episodes. She said:
« No, you stay in your room and interiorize yourself. I don’t have to go through it with you ».
I know, it’s not necessarily better for me to do that, but I don’t want to hurt anyone else when I am like this.
Today, my bestfriend had a fight with her boyfriend and he basically was doing the same thing.
She told me: I’ve known you for YEARS, and you never used me as an anchor to take me down so you could swim. I’m guilty of being weak, but...People like you are real heroes. 
It brings me to tears, to hear those words.
I’m not trying to depict them as bad people, both of them are really nice people, who have a hard time processing their emotions. But hearing that all this time, my greatest fear of being a weight, being weak, being judged... are all false... it only brings me hope.",not depression
dev_pid_2674,I think im manic depressive. Sometimes I'm totally bouncing off the walls with energy and happy as can be and other times like now I'm way down more than I could even imagine totally debilitating I don't know what to do : ,not depression
dev_pid_2675,"I feel like a burden to everyone in my life : Interactions with my friends just make me feel terrible. I feel like they think everything I say is stupid or annoying or that they just wished I'd stop bothering them. I feel so bottled up by never venting about the bad things in my life, but then whenever I talk to a friend about them I feel instantly regretful. 
I just hate feeling like I'm the most annoying person on the planet just by existing to others",not depression
dev_pid_2676,"I've given up any hope of ever feeling good again : All I can hope for is to feel less bad. But that will never happen because all that's left of me is the pain and the only way to get rid of the pain is to get rid of me, and I'm too much of a coward to do it. So instead I'm just going to spend the rest of my unfortunately long life in agony waiting for the day I die.",not depression
dev_pid_2677,Anyone believe in reincarnation? : I’m not suicidal but I just hope that the next life that I live things will be different and I’ll be at peace.,not depression
dev_pid_2678,"Am much as the world makes me hate myself... : I am worth far more than some fucking human’s insignificant opinion fuck all of them I’m me and that’s all there is to it. If u wouldn’t understand me or would judge me, fuck you bitch",not depression
dev_pid_2679,"Love and sadness : Let me start with I am in love with my fiancé. I love her very much. I just recently proposed and everything. I can tell she cares about me but she is very grumpy and angry all of the time. When I try to have fun with her and play with her she is just pissy. It upsets me bc I want to have fun with my love, but it makes it really hard. It makes me sad when she acts like this. I can’t talk to her about it bc if I even tried, she would somehow flip it on me, as if I’m doing something wrong. I love her, I just wish she could see that I am trying hard to express my love. I know I can be a lot to handle. I am very energetic and can be kind of up in your face. That’s just how I am though. I don’t know, maybe that’s how I am and that’s how she is. We just have to find out middle ground I suppose. I don’t know, it is all just a lot and it feels like I try hard and then get rejected.",not depression
dev_pid_2680,Sign of hope? : Today was once in a long time I actually felt good and happy for the most part. With everything that’s going on like the COVID-19 outbreak and things getting cancelled I’ve been having anxiety lately and racing thoughts but today I didn’t have any of that it was like a new me. Any tips on how to keep maintaining this composure? Thanks and most importantly stay safe ❤️,not depression
dev_pid_2681,"Just how I'm feeling rn. : I've been thinking about writing in this sub for a few months now, and everytime I'm about to write something, I bottle it and back out of the app. Not even sure why I want to write in here. Maybe I'm lonely, maybe it's the only place I can speak freely. 
I've been signed off from work since before Christmas with depression and anxiety, honestly, I'm not going back. I can't face it. Problem is I'm 36 and now face the embarrassment of having to move back in with my parents. They've been great with what I'm going through but I've not been fully letting on just HOW much of a hole I feel like I'm in.
I think about killing myself everyday, sometimes in depth, sometimes just a fleeting thought. I think I would have done if it wasn't for family members being left behind to pick up the pieces.
I've written this and deleted it numerous times. Not even sure what I'm expecting. Probably just needed to get this off my chest to at least somewhere?
Thanks for your time.",not depression
dev_pid_2682,"Just feeling a lil shitty now : Just got sent a text by the mum of a girl I'm tutoring, that she got a D and that either means the girl hasn't listened to a word I've said or it's coz I suck. And it's annoying coz I didn't tell her all the answers or anything while she did her work, so she should be been able to at least get a C, coz she was actually able to do most of the questions, and nowI feel like shit coz it seems like it's my fault and it might actually be",not depression
dev_pid_2683,"Okay around friends but awful on my own : I'm an introvert but I have some close friends who's presence I really appreciate. It's like being around them helps distract me from how I'm really feeling and for a short while life feels liveable. They've really been my crutch this year and I guarantee I wouldn't be here without them. 
But the minute we part ways and stop talking my reality crashes back down on me and I feel terrible. 
But with covid hitting my country I feel like mass self isolation is just around the corner. I know that when it comes to this situation I'm more of a danger to myself than this virus is to me. (Of course I'd follow any guidance put in place to protect others though). 
And I've technically finished my last year of uni, just have exams left now. But that means I need to move to the opposite end of the country and I'm terrified I won't see them again.",not depression
dev_pid_2684,"No life left in me : I just go to a job I hate then come home and sleep
I miss being myself. I used to draw. I used to run. I've gained a lot of weight, which I've mostly come to terms with because I no longer think being beautiful is that important. But I just want to fucking run, to feel my body doing something positive to itself for a change instead of hating itself or cutting itself. I miss how good it felt to run until I was out of breath. I miss how fun it was to create with art.
I can't do it though I can't I am broken as fuck
My mind doesn't make ideas for art anymore and I've realized it's because I don't have a soul, really, because ofc a person with no life in them would have nothing to give creatively. Can't pull from an empty well
And I can't run I try I try I put on my gym clothes and I was so happy and I drove I drove there you guys then I just.... Drove back. That's happened the last three times I tried
I miss music I miss music so much. Last couple of times I bought concert tickets I ended up not going. One I drove and I broke down in the car crying so I drove back. The other few I just couldn't get up to go. I used to go all the time and I haven't now in 2 years which is unusual for me but I have no one that likes my type of music so I always went alone but now it's just so hard the weight of doing it alone and being so lonely is so hard
I have nothing in me it's all gone and I can't get it back even when I shower and put on my strong face and drive to the gym and I try to reach for my strength it's not there
Why am I living ? I just want to run and feel and draw and dance",not depression
dev_pid_2685,"The feeling of biting a pillow while you're crying so no one hears you... : ... is something I'm getting used to at this point. I don't know where it all went wrong. I finished high school in the top 5% of my school and got into one of the most prestigious programs at the biggest university in my country. (The Management and International Business Co-op Specialist Program at the University of Toronto, Canada). And it's as if that's when life felt like I had been given too much happiness. 
I was sharp, social, fit, and cheerful. Now I'm the opposite. Over the last 3 years in university, things have been getting worse and worse for me and I saw myself slowing down, gaining weight, and just losing interest in things I used to love doing. 
The root of my problems are my parents. They are about 50 years older than myself (I'm 20 and they're in their 70s. Result of late adoption). I'm the only child and my parents refuse third-party help. I'm pretty much dealing with their aging on my own, while also doing university and working part time. I switched out of the prestigious program to take care of my parents, because it required about 8 months of studying and working abroad in order to graduate. The generational gap creates a LOT of problems. They get irritated and yell at me all the time over trivial things, they pick my insecurities apart, thereby destroying my confidence, and they pretty much speak to me in insults or sarcasm. 
I don't have many friends as a result of constant moving during crucial friendship-development windows in my childhood. The friends I do have are either going to different universities with different priorities (nothing wrong with that), or they're at my university but we're swamped with work. I don't mingle with my co-workers on a personal level either. The only thing I really had going for me, is my relationship with my bf that started in first year. 
The past few months have been shit, with my parents getting worse at home, bf's more stressed over uni and consequently getting more irritated, and I'm just caught in the middle of all this. This past week, the Coronavirus shut down my university and workplace, and is forcing me to stay home to protect my elderly and sickly parents from the slightest chance of exposure to it. Now I'm getting a constant inflow of sarcastic comments, insults, and yelling from my parents, with no escape. I haven't seen my bf in nearly a week and he's also been busy + stressed so he hasn't been able to talk much. I just feel like he's tired of me after exploding over text tonight. 
I don't know what's happening. I feel like every time things are starting to look up, life comes and destroys it. After months of trying, I finally got a job offer for a nice bank position starting this summer, but I was offered right at the beginning of this coronavirus shit and the HR manager hasn't even been able to send my official offer letter yet. Given the likely recession, I don't even know if I have a job waiting anymore. 
I have no idea why I'm posting this here. With everyone getting irritated with me, I just feel like I no longer have anyone to engage with. I might've set my bf off the edge tonight with a few stupid frustration-induced replies to something he did that annoyed me. I don't even know if I have a relationship anymore. My parents are slowly dying and at 20 years old, I have to deal with this alone. I'm trying to finish my studies and get a good paying job to support myself when they do pass away, but university and everything is closed indefinitely and my new job that would've started my career path is probably gone because of the recession. It's 1:03am EST and I'm just biting a pillow while crying so no one hears me.",not depression
dev_pid_2686,"Me: I want to learn something new | My brain: Be a pro or don't do it. : It happens all the time. I know everything takes time. I know i have to spend time everyday to learn. I know great things are not instant. But i have this thought all the time wandering in my head and it makes me feel so bad. ""You are wasting your time trying to achieve something. You are going to fail at it no matter what you do.
Is this anxiety? Or i'm just inmature? I'm 21. 
In this case i'm trying to learn to program in C# (Just as a personal goal. I study History at university). I know the basics but i can't get anything done because I stop before making progress. It's not that i don't like it. I love it but have this problem.
Any help or comment is very appreciated.",not depression
dev_pid_2687,"I hate my body more than anything : When i get stressed, I eat. When i eat I get stressed. and when i eat i get fatter. This vicious cycle has caused me to give up on trying to take care of myself. Who cares when i’m gonna die someday anyway. What’s funny is i’m actually underweight too. I fucking hate my body, I hate my life, and i’m ready to get hit by a train.",not depression
dev_pid_2688,I can not feel content : I feel so empty everything I do leaves me with no satisfaction why do I feel this way. I have goals long term and short I have friends and family who care for me but I just never feel genuinely happy no matter what I do,not depression
dev_pid_2689,"Life is getting worse day by day... : I just want to write it down somewhere...
It all started more than 2 years ago. I was happy, at least I think I was. I was confident, didn't look like shit, had quite a few friends, lots of activities, a girlfriend that I lived with, didn't have a high paying job but I liked the place. Life was great apart from my girlfriend cheating on me a couple of times - one time it was ""purely emotional cheating"", other time a ""drunk kiss"", nothing too bad, right? Easy to forgive and move on. Well... you still have to cry a lot, hear out a lot of apologies, ""make a decision"" which you've already made because you're madly in love. But you have to at least pretend that you're comprehending the whole situation and thinking about leaving her, so she knows the risk. In fact you're not thinking about anything. You've already made your decision. Life is going to suck for several weeks, months, you'll have some trust issues but you you'll get through this, right? Right.
For a while everything seems fine & wonderful. Seems like everything's back to normal, storm's over. But it's different, weather is not so sunny like it used to. You still feel loved and you still love her but this stuff is still lingering in the back of your mind. You can hide it under your smile, under love and passion. But it's there. And it eats you from the inside whenever you're alone with your thoughts.
Until you get another hit right in your face. This one is different, this time you aren't the one who makes a decision. She is. And now she's playing this ""I gotta think about everything"", ""let's have a break"" game. She's already made her decision, there's nothing you can do and you know it. And deep down you know that her decision is the right one. You have to get rid of the trash one day, it's been piling up for 5 years. But it still makes you feel dreaded & hurt, it's been 5 years after all. 5 fucking years.
It's been 2+ years since all of this happened and now I think that this emotional mess was still better than my life now. I miss her, I miss having someone besides me, even if the love is ""fake"", even if something is happening behind your back. I miss hugging someone at the end of a stressful day, I miss feeling safe, even if this feeling is just an illusion. Life has changed a lot during these 2 years - I made an incredible career, I've lost some friends but I still have a couple, tried dating and I wasn't too successful. I gained some weight (not obese in any way, just overweight), lost all of my confidence, now I'm not as extroverted as I used to be, I'm still assertive & confident in my work environment (which contributed greatly in my career) but I'm pretty shy in any other social environment, I started smoking and I really hate who I am now.
And I'm trying to change it. I started going to the gym, didn't stick to the schedule at first. I relied on my gym-buddy too much probably, didn't want to go alone. Started over after a break of 5 months, going alone now and I really started liking it. Well apart from feeling lonely all the time. Either way, COVID-19 comes, town's in quarantine, gym is closed. Always getting into some kind of obstacle. At least this obstacle is the real one.
Either way, during these 2+ years (maybe even 3 years), I was feeling worse and worse each day. The life seems to go nowhere. I have nothing and no one and I honestly don't even believe that it's going to change. I'm staying alone most of the time, I want to do something, I want to have friends, to be between people. I want to find new hobbies, new activities, be more positive, outgoing, confident. It seems to be so easy to everyone but not for me. I occasionally see people having first dates in a restaurants, couples going through the aisle of the supermarket while holding each other's hands. I miss those things. I miss my old self. Nobody likes my current self, even I don't. And I probably can't even expect other people to like me.
But one day, quite recently, I woke up in the morning feeling... different. For the first time in 2-3 years I had a positive outlook, I felt confident. It seemed like it's all going to be well for me. It was like jumping from one really cloudy & sad universe to the one that's sunny. Needless to say, it didn't last longer than a day. If it lasted longer, I wouldn't be writing this terrible post here...
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change. I don't know how to find these bits of ""old me"" in my brain. I just don't know. And on top of that, I decided to check out my ex-gf on social media. When we broke up, her new guy wasn't the best looking guy in the world and now he has posted pictures from the gym where he's fucking ripped. He progressed forward with his life and now I look at myself in a hypothetical mirror. And I'm still depressed piece of shit, stuck in time since 2 years ago. Will something change? Or I'll have to live miserably for god knows how many years, still being stuck in 2018 when my life took a 180 degree turn? Or maybe I'm making the progress? Just that the progress is more depression. I don't know. It scares me to think that this is my life now, and it will be like this... forever.
I have no idea what I'm expecting from you guys by writing this post. I just hope that at least one or two people will read it, maybe someone will be able to recognize themselves in my story. I'd like to know how your life turned out. Sorry if there are grammatical mistakes here, I unfortunately don't have energy to proof-read it right now. Just wanted to get my thoughts out in the wild.",not depression
dev_pid_2690,"I’m just so exhausted. : So this weekend, I had people come in to visit for my daughter’s birthday. People being my mother and my ex. I spent Friday and Saturday getting chewed out for not keeping things as clean as they should be. I also have been sleeping on my couch, as my mother is using my bed. My mother also let my kitten out after I said not to open the windows. That was Friday morning. It’s now 1:15 am on Sunday and she’s not back, and I’ve been a wreck about it. I live out in the woods where there are many bigger animals including coyotes, and it’s also been cold and rainy.
So today was the birthday party, and I stood the whole time while my daughter was surrounded by everyone else, and was the one handing everyone things because I had to stand in the kitchen. After eating I had to clean up and since it was at my fathers house, I had to go through a bunch of my stuff that’s still there, while my daughter played upstairs. 
My daughter is going to visit her grandparents a few states away for a couple weeks, so it will be just me. I don’t really have friends that can come visit, and I don’t have a job right now. I’m in a rough spot",not depression
dev_pid_2691,"That moment when you actually feel an emotion intensely. : I've been numb for so long I forgot how powerful emotions can be. I just recently I I felt a non diluted wave of sadness, that almost made me kind of appreciate my depression. Because that sadness was intense. However some time last year I experienced non diluted happiness which made me loathe my depression even more. 
Its crazy to me how I used to experience emotions at that level and not feel weird. Now every time it happens it's like a novelty experience.",not depression
dev_pid_2692,"My friend needs help and I only have so long until I get pushed away : this is going to be crossposted to multiple mental health subs fyi
A friend of mine who's always been very open with me facetimed me recently and I'm very worried about her. She 's obsessed with a guy who's told her in the past that he likes her, but lately he's only been talking to her so he can keep fucking her. She told me she's only happy when he acknowledges him, and that's becoming less and less frequent.  She's never been a very serious person, and so as soon as I try to step in and help I can almost guarantee I'm gonna get pushed away in < a week. She's also high from the second she wakes up until she goes to bed, so nothing I say will be taken to heart. I have two concerns: 1) she's going to hurt herself (suicide is unlikely). as she told me that she hurt herself for the first time a couple weeks ago. 2) she's going to move onto more dangerous drugs. I have no chance of getting her off weed, but if I can keep her from switching to a more dangerous drug, and make her happier, that's a win. She doesn't have a good relationship with her parents, and I don't know them well either, so going through them isn't really viable. She has a sister, but her sister doesn't like her much (and that's not from her point of view, I've seen it in person). Her friends are all weed smokers and partiers. I myself have never done a single drug/gone to a single party, and really the only reason we're still friends is because we both used to be mildly depressed, and we think each other is nice + funny. She refuses to acknowledge that there's a problem/she should get over the guy, and I don't think the guy cares about her much, so going to him isn't really an option. She's really athletic and so is almost never busy, and her parents are semi-anti-medicine, so therapyy/meds isn't an option. I'm all out of ideas, but I'm really concerned for her. Any help is much appreciated.",not depression
dev_pid_2693,"dear friend : somehow, i’ve been happy for 4 days straight, and i’m starting to think depression isn’t the default. don’t wanna break my record. if you feel even a BIT bad about me or anything please tell me and be honest and let us resolve our problems, ok? 
i feel the purest i have in a long time, and i want all my friends to feel the same. i know what it’s like to hurt, i know what it’s like to not be accepted, i know what it’s like to hate myself and everyone else, i know what’s it’s like to want to escape everything, i know the burning urge you may have at certain times, and i want you to talk to me whenever your brain is a mess. whenever you’re upset and don’t know why, whenever you’re upset and you don’t want to tell people why. i have no bias. i have no qualms, but my one rule is- 
don’t waste your time on the past.
you must realise we are living NOW. fight the freezing feeling of not knowing what to do. take a moment to breath. it may feel like the world is collapsing around you, but it’s not. 
close your eyes and visualise all the times someone’s said ‘i love you’ and how you knew they meant it. feel it all around you. you are loved and you will always have a place in this world. always. even if you’re living on the streets, even if all your friends have left you, even if you think you’re a parasite to your family and friends, even if you’re crashing on your friends couch. 
the ones that really love you, or have really loved you at one point, they always think about you. even if it’s just a random thought because they saw something you might like, even if it’s because they read something that ryhmed with your name, or because someone brought you up, you always have a place in someone’s heart. you are not alone. i think about you. i am always free to talk. i am trying to be the most open minded, universal, buddhist super-man, but no one is perfect. no one even comes close, but you’re perfect to someone.",not depression
dev_pid_2694,"I feel awful : I’m 20 F. I’m in college. Growing up, I was very shy. I had untreated social anxiety disorder that really got in the way of my ability to make friends, have a boyfriend as a teenager, and that sort of stuff. I finally got therapy and medication when I was 18 and I overcame it thankfully. 
Now I feel like I probably have depression. I feel like my brain just can’t ever let me be fully mentally healthy and happy, something always has to be wrong with it. 
Last semester of college was the closest I’ve ever felt to truly happy and mentally healthy. I had just transferred to a new college, I made a lot of new friends, joined a sorority, I had my first boyfriend. I just was having a really good life. 
Then my boyfriend dumped me, my friend group dynamic changed some, I got used to the college so even though I still really like it it doesn’t have that exciting “new” feel anymore. I started to get depressed. I think a lot had to do with getting dumped. He really led me on and played with my emotions then dumped me and it was hard on me. Especially because I go to a small college so I have to see him around. And every time I see people post pictures with him my heart just sinks. 
I didn’t like my class schedule that much. I started sleeping a lot and not eating very well or very much. I’ve always struggled with my self esteem and feeling like people like me, especially guys, and so I guess once I felt like this one guy didn’t anymore it did hurt my self esteem deep down and it just didn’t help my already deteriorating mental state. 
I started to feel really sad and hopeless. And that’s where I am today, still feeling that way off and on. I have good and bad days, but today has been a bad day. 
Any advice? I’m on an SSRI but it’s mainly used to treat social anxiety disorder and OCD so I was thinking I might need it switched.",not depression
dev_pid_2695,"Sometimes I just sit there and think of all the times I fuck up. :  How there’s something wrong with me and I just sit there. Knowing that nothing will change, knowing that I can be better, wishing that I could fit in. Not be such a fucking moron. I think I’m too comfortable, everytime something good happens. I fuck it up.",not depression
dev_pid_2696,"Went from existential anxiety to feeling like an absolute failure for not having accomplishments at age 25. : On top of that i feel like i have no special talents or traits and just a waste of air.  I try to think what i can do to become someone talented, famous or just special, but nothing comes to mind.  I am nothing and will have to accept and continue living life as nothing.",not depression
dev_pid_2697,Can i talk to someone : ,not depression
dev_pid_2698,"I think im having a psychotic break. : Im 14 and i am going through a lot. 
I am very scared and i feel like something is going to kill me, either someone or something. i have a lot of anxiety and i keeo seeing things. im super super scared. should i tell my parents or is it nothing?",not depression
dev_pid_2699,is it bad that even after having a good day compared to the rest i still come home wanting to disappear. : idk it just makes me feel rly guilty,not depression
dev_pid_2700,"How do I know when someone genuinely cares? How do I convince myself they care? I cant imagine how my family would react to my passing, which is the main reason I cant just end it. What if they get over it, what if they don't? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2701,"I don’t know what to do : Honestly I don’t know what is happening. Every day is the same depressing shit over and over again. I don’t have a social life the only time I get it is at work and school (I barley go). I have people who care and worry about me but shut them out/distant myself because I don’t wanna hurt them. The only way for me to cope is to smoke and get high, even still every night is a living hell. I’m afraid my girlfriend is gonna leave me because of how I am. I’m never gonna get a real job/ find my place In the world and I just feel like a burden to my family and friends around me. I think about how my life used to be so much better back when I was a kid and how I don’t wanna  wanna go back in time because now Im just barley pulling through each day",not depression
dev_pid_2702,"6/? : Lately im not doing pretty well but im trying my best.
Idk why but i feel like im getiing tired of all this pretending that i practically exhausted my ability to do so.
Im probably just tired.",not depression
dev_pid_2703,"I don't want to die, but I want to not exist for a while. : I seriously wish I could just go to sleep and stay asleep for a few days, maybe a few weeks. I don't know. 
There's one person that would miss me though. I exist for him at this point. He's nice. I don't want to hurt him by dying. 
Dying seems selfish. But living and being this useless is selfish too. 
I don't know what to do.",not depression
dev_pid_2704,"My day today, Day 2 : Pretty boring, all I did was play Minecraft and scroll through Reddit and eat 2 hotdogs and a handful of chips... That's it...",not depression
dev_pid_2705,How did weed effect your depression? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2706,"Anyone else want what they can't have? : I want to be the next generation defining NBA legend, the MJ, Lebron, the Kobe, of my generation and I'm willing to put in the work because basketball is the love of my life, and at times it's like heroin to me. There is nothing in this world besides my love for the game that I wouldn't sacrifice to achieve this dream of mine; I would willingly sacrifice any family, friends, lovers, in order to achieve this. But talent doesn't allow me to do so. I'm not 6 feet and I'm not athletic at all. My game is all skill, but skill only gets you so far. I want to be rich, to spend my life hooping and outside of hoops I want to game out and use my status as an athlete to promote my content, I want all the perks of wealth, and I want to eat really good food everyday and use my wealth to start a restaurant. I wanna get away from all the people I know now and get the sweetest revenge by coming out as the top dog and living a life others could dream of. I want to be the best at what I do, and I ain't gonna be humble about it in front of the people from my past like my family and friends that all doubted me.
But no. I don't understand why I can't have that, why I have to live in a world where everyday is really just one big chore and I survive by trying to chase a dream that might not even happen. I survive based on little moments, I survive based on hope, I survive because I fear the boredom of dying. They call me a pessimist but I am the ultimate optimist; I truly want to die yet I'm forcing myself to stay alive. Basketball, working out, and video games are all drugs to me; I act like an addict on withdrawal without those. I cope everyday, besides those, by watching porn, stress eating, and writing stuff. At this point, I'm living life only to be happy and only for my happiness.",not depression
dev_pid_2707,"One wish - True death : I have a good family. I realise that I am blessed with all the things i will ever need and am in a position that is only a dream for many people in the world. My family loves me and I love them very much too.
But at the same time, If I was given one wish i would ask for a ""True Death""
What i mean by true death? where i am erased from existence. all the traces of my existence are erased from everybody’s memory so that no one who cares for me or loves me will ever be sad. No rebirth or other lives and all those stuff. Though i realise that there are people who value me, I just want to go away
Have any of you guys felt ""I have had enough of this life man...."". don't want want anything. just want everything to stop and leave me alone. Feel i bring disaster with my actions and always hurt the ones that i love. Never feel that i can satisfy what others expect of me, thought their expectations are very reasonable and is no way something that is beyond me or anything.
Just disappear.....
Wanted to express my pent up thoughts somewhere.",not depression
dev_pid_2708,"I feel neither sad or happy. Like i’m just there. No emotions, just there... : Most of the times it’s like this. It’s uncomfortable.",not depression
dev_pid_2709,Need someone to talk to : I need someone to talk to I’m feeling so numb right now (please also have depression),not depression
dev_pid_2710,"Will they text me today if I don't text first? : I'm constantly annoying the few friends I have but I can't stop because when I'm sad I can't control myself.
People keep ignoring me because I'm asking the same question about 10+ times before I give up and apologize for being like that. I don't even know if someone will text me today because I really went all in yesterday.
If I can somehow manage to stop this for a today, would they text me again?",not depression
dev_pid_2711,"Found out my ex cheated on me. : I’ve been in a particularly bad low right now, I struggle with motivation to do simple things like shower, or brush my teeth. I’ve had suicidal thoughts, not anything serious but still. So I came in contact with one of my exes. At the time when she broke up with me she said, “I have to work on myself sorry.” Over text tonight I asked for closure on why she broke up with me. It turns out her and her friend were going to another guys house, and because she didn’t wanna cheat on me, broke up with me over text. I was completely blindsided originally when it happened, but I got over it. Now, knowing the real reason she broke up with me, has sparked thoughts about self-worth, my attractiveness in general, and my existence. I feel like with the break from school for the next few weeks, I might not be ok. I just want a reset button.",not depression
dev_pid_2712,"Cant see a good reason for life : I thought about it so long and always tried to work for a goal or a reason, but now i cant find it. Why living further?
For a good job, i tried a few but since my cognitive power decrease and i can hardly remember things. I cant bring the performance anymore, like i used to. I am not good at what im doing, even when i put effort in it and have good days. It bothers me so much to know im getting ""dumb"".
Kids and partner. I dont want to marry, i am shaped through my parents marriage and 2 bad relationships. I have confirmed hard trust issues and close to get social anxiety. So since my early childhood i knew i never want to end like my mom in a marriage. I tried to change this view as a teenager, but i saw to many examples that it will be always end like this. So no marriage and partner.
I dont find joy in my hobbies and nature anymore. I just sitting on a bench and dont feel, even when it is beautiful. Im bad at my hobbies because i didnt developed them further.
For friendship, at some point they always drift apart and i also dont feel anything when im arround them. I just act like i used to but im empty. And either way, people will leave because they have their own goals. I experienced it with some. 
I went to therapy to fix it and i could see a light. I got back on track after 2 years down. I got a jobtraining, went out with friends again and got a good living routine. I thought hey, this is it. But while i was in the job training i realised. I have what others have, a good life, but do i like that. Work, home, friends and hobbys. No i still don't feel anything, jt scares me to know i will work to certain age, while i am bad at it through the decrease, i will mostly be one of the bad worker. I will always stay in the shadow. I will always be alone. When i fail my job i probably cant hold my flat. My family will talk bad about me. Even my favorite tv shows and games cheer me up.
If i fail my job training i will end that all, i feel so certain about it like never before. Im scared about the pain, but i feel very calm and good about the outcome. Even when i successful go through it im not sure i want to life, there is always this lonley future ahead.
A tv show said, just live like everyone, but i cant see how this is good. Should i life a bad life so just the people around me are happy and im not. Why should i live a miserable life with no reason, so i can hole for a breadcrum here and there after a while. That doesnt sound like living. I rather die in peace then living like this.",not depression
dev_pid_2713,"I hate to be myself : Yeah i hate myself more than the anything not because ıam guilty or anything ; i just i hate to fact that ıam not good enough , ıam a loser ,weak and ugly 
It is like living in a body of person you hate most , when i look to the mirror i only see reflection of my foolish dumb exsistence and that ugly body . I am sick of being in the body of this person .  No one loves him  , he doesnt have a girlfriend , he doesnt have a career  why i had to be him ?
Wish i was someone else , i just dont want to be this person anymore ...",not depression
dev_pid_2714,"Very long. Maybe too personal. But it's my truth. : I used to think there were many things I would take to my grave, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I need to open up and talk about my feelings. I don’t want you to pity me or send me heartfelt messages. I just want to be heard clearly. More importantly, I hope that if my words resonate with you, you’ll take this moment to either help someone you know or seek help for yourself…
Deep breaths. Calm my racing heart. Alright.
The feelings I have towards my parents are complicated. If they were shitty people in all aspects of their lives, I wouldn’t feel guilty about hating them. However, they carry traits I admire, and there are many positive things they have done, not just for me but also for others. That is why I have a difficult time accepting my negative feelings for them. At times, it feels inappropriate for me to hate them, but other times, I feel like that is the only way I am capable of feeling towards them.
For the majority of my life, but specifically the entirety of my childhood and youth, my dad was an alcoholic who would, on occasion, hit my mom while he was drunk. At that time, I was very young and I was still an only child. It didn’t matter to me that my dad was working while attending a competitive university. I didn’t care that he was struggling to balance his work life, academic life, and family life, all while dealing with the emotional strain that our financial situation caused. I didn’t care about how my dad was also struggling in his own way, but only hated him for how he treated my mom. My dad is also the type to move on from things quickly, whereas my mom holds grudges. So after hitting her, my dad would act like nothing happened the following day. This cycle was something that deeply angered not only my mom but also me.
My mom worked (she still works) full-time as a registered nurse. She makes more money than my dad. I often wondered why that didn’t give her the confidence to defend herself without crying, but then again, I will never know the pain of being coerced into an arranged marriage and having to move to another country to be with my husband, leaving my family behind in my native country. I think there was a lot of sadness in my mom’s heart during the early years of her marriage as well as raising me. She got married at 22. My dad was 29. They had me three years into their marriage (I was born in 1999).
When I think of my childhood, there’s something in particular that always comes to mind. It happened multiple times back when my mom worked night shifts. She would hide my dad’s alcohol and tell me not to tell him where it was. I agreed. However, once she left for work, my dad would approach me, all smiles. He asked me where his alcohol was. I told him I couldn’t say. Then, he said that he’d buy me whatever I wanted. Like an idiot, I agreed. Every time. My dad never remembered the promises he made to me once he was sober again. Almost 21 years later, I can’t help but shiver at how naive I was…
As a kid, I didn’t eat much. Two reasons: one, I wasn’t fussy. I never complained about being hungry, so other than getting fed when my mom was home, I didn’t really eat. You know how when you’re a kid, your parents usually force you to eat? It’s like that. Because I never complained about being hungry, my mom would feed me simply because “it was time to eat”, but when she wasn’t home, there was no one to feed me. The second reason I didn’t eat much is precisely that. My dad never checked on me when my mom left for work in the evening. I passed the time by watching TV, and sometimes I fell asleep early. But one time, I got bored and went upstairs to see what my dad was doing. He spent so much time on his computer, and he never even spared one look at me after I gave him his alcohol. So, that day, maybe I was looking for an answer. I stood outside my dad’s room and looked inside. He was drinking a beer, looking at something on the computer. That much wasn’t shocking. But I was completely confused by what I saw on the screen. Looking back, even if I had seen it clearly, I wouldn’t have known what it was. I was too young then. But the second my dad noticed me, he closed quickly the tab. He rushed me out of his office and locked the door after going back inside.
I didn’t realize it was porn until I was in my late teens. It still haunts me to this day. I remember I went back to my room after that and I thought I’d seen a Disney princess on the screen or something. I got excited thinking maybe my dad was looking up a doll or something to buy for me. Why was I like that…?
There was another episode that occurred when I was six years old. By then, I developed a habit of staying in my room even though I knew my parents were fighting. I heard multiple voices from my room. It sounded like my grandpa was coaxing my dad. My maternal grandparents lived with us at that time because my mom had gotten pregnant “unexpectedly”. My dad was very irritated and angry during her entire pregnancy. I don’t really know why, but that day, I stepped out of my room and peeked into my parents’ bedroom where all the adults were gathered. My grandpa was pulling my dad’s hand back. My mom had her hands around her throat, coughing drily. Without a word, I went back to my room. My mom came into my room a few minutes later and locked the door. She spent a long time crying. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that feeling. Pathetic, helpless… something like that. But I don’t know if those thoughts were directed at myself or my mom.
However, the dynamics of our relationships all changed by the time I was a teenager. During my adolescence, my relationship with my parents turned very sour, especially with my mom. Up until 8th grade, I did well in school. I had mainly As and Bs. However, in 8th grade, I got my first C. It was in science. But there’s something I need to explain before I go further. As I said, my mom’s a nurse. My dad’s a clinical laboratory scientist. Both of those careers have a lot to do with science, and my parents were also really studious growing up. One could argue that it’s because they’re Indian, but I think that’s just their personality/a result of their upbringing. They both work hard and never slacked off at school. My maternal grandma was a housewife. She got married at 19 and didn’t have much of an education, but she still pushed my mom to study well so she could have a good career in the future. My dad came from a broken home. His mom died of ovarian cancer when he was 15, and his dad was an alcoholic who spent his time gambling. My dad was very close to his mom and loathed his dad for neglecting his parental duties. (I always found this funny since my dad displayed a lot of behaviors similar to his dad when I was young, but whatever…) Since my dad has five siblings, there was even less money to go around. Still, somehow, my paternal grandfather managed to send all of his kids to America. Now, they all have good lives and good incomes. They were only able to come here and acquire a good job with the degrees they earned in India through hard work.
It’s because of this that my parents don’t take school lightly. In America, K-12 is free if you go to public school. In India, school is expensive at all ages. In Kerala, many kids start school at age three, and they begin learning three languages at the beginning of grade school. The education there is also much more difficult and at a higher level than what’s taught during K-12 in America. The reason why I want to emphasize this goes back to what I said previously. I got my first C in 8th grade, and I was an anxious wreck when I went to show my mom my grade report. (We had to have a parent sign it and then bring it back to school). Because my parents’ schooling was much more difficult and competitive than what I was dealing with, I knew beforehand that my parents wouldn’t be able easily to accept my first bad grade. I was right. I never got that grade up either. I ended up graduating from 8th grade with that C, and I had a feeling that things would only get worse from there. I was right.
In 9th grade, I failed two classes: biology and geometry. After that, my grades were mainly Cs and Ds. I only got As in useless classes like PE and extracurriculars. My parents constantly degraded me because I was a disappointment. Since I wasn’t doing good in school, they couldn’t brag about me to our relatives. Nothing that happened in our home stayed within our home either, so the concern that I might not graduate high school quickly spread among our relatives.
Because I did poorly in school, I felt inferior when I was around my family. Due to my upbringing, I’ve always had a fearful/avoidant approach to relationships, which means I constantly switch from wanting to be accepted by my parents and wanting them to treat me as if I don’t exist. Since I can’t raise my voice at them or tell them how I feel, I ended up having a lot of internal conflicts and couldn’t cope properly with the things my parents said to me. As a result, I just stopped talking to them. Although we lived in the same house, I acted as if they were ghosts that I couldn’t see. My parents can handle yelling but they can’t deal with being ignored, and because I couldn’t be honest and tell my parents how I felt during that time—that I felt like I didn’t fit into our family because my ideals were different from theirs, that I believed there were more important things than school and grades—all I could do was show my anger through silence. But silence can always be misinterpreted…
My lack of reaction to everything around me caused a lot of issues in my family. I even got caught by my parents while I was on shrooms when I was 16 (actually, I shouldn’t say “caught” since I told them I was on drugs during a bad trip/anxiety attack [totally my fault for taking an eighth at once, never happened again]). But this happened at a bad time. I didn’t have many birthday parties growing up, so my parents wanted to hold a sweet 16 birthday party for me. This was merely a performative party for my parents to pretend like our family wasn’t on the verge of breaking. I didn’t want a party for that exact reason, but it still happened. It was only a month later that I was caught on drugs, and it caused an even bigger rift between my parents and I. They lost all trust in me, but honestly, I lost my trust in them too. I can’t remember many of the things I told them when I was tripping out, but I know for a fact I told my parents I felt depressed, and I remember exactly what my mom said in response: “What do you have to be depressed about?” I wish I could’ve told her, “Right. You telling me that you wish I wasn’t born isn’t something that should affect me after all…”
After this incident, they took off the doorknob on the door for my room, I wasn’t allowed to be alone, and they wouldn’t let me sit alone with my sister because they thought I’d contaminate her or something. For this reason, I thought being at school was still better than suffocating at home in that tense, judgemental, depressing environment.
My father had bouts of explosive anger during my high school years. Of course, they were all caused by me. On my 18th birthday, I came home from school and felt very odd. My dad picked me up but I don’t remember what happened during the car ride. Once we entered the house, I think he went straight to bed. He worked night shifts and would sleep after picking my sister and me up from school (my mom had switched to day shifts a long time ago). I went upstairs to my room. As I looked around, my face felt very hot all of a sudden. Most of my things were gone. Aside from heavy furniture, my belongings were nowhere to be seen. All I saw was a white letter folded on my desk. It was my progress report for that quarter. All Ds. My dad’s handwriting was underneath. People tend to forget things that shock them too greatly, so I don’t remember exactly what that letter said, but it was something like, “You’re 18 now. We don’t have to take care of you. If you don’t graduate high school and go to college, we’ll kick you out.”
I got so angry that I cried. Only a few weeks before this, my parents and I had already talked about my future. I told them I wanted to be a tattoo artist and that I wouldn’t waste money by going to college. I mentioned that there were people I knew who could help me get started. They hadn’t objected to anything when I told them either. I went on stupidly, believing that they accepted my choices. I thought maybe we had finally reached some kind of understanding.
I realized once again that no one in my family cares about what I want. How I feel. My dreams for my future.
Unfortunately for me, at the end of the day, nothing mattered. I was financially dependent on my parents, and if I wanted to have a roof over my head, I had to live my life how they wanted me to. I started to think that maybe I was fated to always be controlled, and fated to always let myself be controlled.
That very evening, on my 18th birthday, I applied to a community college in my city. My grades were shitty and I didn’t even know if I would graduate, so that was my only option. My parents didn’t give any reaction when they found out I had applied, but on my graduation day, their personality changed completely.
Since my grades were shit, I didn’t know if I would graduate until two or three weeks before the ceremony (after grades were finalized). My senior class had close to 1,000 students, and I was ranked 950 or something like that (our school had around 4,000 students). It’s kind of sad but also funny to think that even the people who barely knew me would say things like, “Nah, you look really smart. You probably have all As,” to me whenever I said I wasn’t doing good in class (which was my usual response whenever someone asked me to help them with their work). This was another reason why I could never bring myself to ask teachers or classmates for help with my assignments. Everyone assumed I didn’t need it, so I felt like I didn’t have the right to ask.
Anyway, as I was saying, my parents completely switched up on me after I graduated. I started college in the summer after graduating. I chose criminal justice as my major but changed it to psychology a year later. For the most part, my parents acted like the past never happened. They were suddenly very bright, very joyful, had no enmity towards me, and even joked about my high school days by the time I was halfway through college (I’m currently in my 3rd year). I think that maybe that’s the only way they can cope with how they treated me. Maybe we’re all secretly thinking of the mistakes we made and hating ourselves for it, but I’ve never been the type that can put on an act, which is why it’s difficult for me to try and understand things from my parents’ point of view.
To explain further on the financial dependency part… I didn’t get my first cellphone until I was 19. Similarly, I didn’t get braces until I was 17. I considered both of these things luxuries, and I felt some bitterness towards my parents for not allowing me to have these things at a younger age. But I realized in college that there are more important things in life. The reason my parents didn’t want to spend a lot of money on things that weren’t needed was that they wanted to pay my college tuition in its entirety. If you didn’t know the salary of an RN and a CLS, I’ll let you know that it’s not small. But ultimately, that’s not my money, and I’ve never felt entitled to my parents’ money. I’ve never asked my parents for money (like allowance or lunch money) and usually alternated between the same 3-4 outfits while I was in high school because I didn’t want to ask them for things and feel indebted later on. I guess you can say I’m very much influenced by the American style of thinking that you shouldn’t leech off your parents after a certain age. But my parents’ mindset is not American at all in that regard. They told me that the reason they work and make money is so my sister and I can have easier lives. Because my dad had to go to university in America even after getting a degree in India (due to some courses not being transferrable), he knows the difficulty of paying off student loans. He paid his loans off in 9 years because he has a good salary, but usually, it takes people much longer. As some of you know, a lot of students who go to 4-year universities right out of high school end up close to 50k-100k in debt but only earn 30k-50k with their starting salaries. This makes it very difficult to pay off loans quickly because living expenses in America, especially Southern California (where we live), can be quite expensive. So, as you can probably tell, when I think about what my parents are doing for me in this regard (making my life easier by eliminating the possibility of me having debt in the future), I really hate myself for not being able to overlook the issues we had in the past. I can’t bring myself to forget how my parents used to treat me, nor can I joke about that time. For me, those years were full of repressed pain. I couldn’t even tell my friends what went on in my house back then. Yet, I also have a strong desire to succeed in life and make a lot of money so that I can give my parents back everything they’ve given me. In a sense, I want to eliminate the indebted feeling I have towards them, and eventually cut all ties with them. As I mentioned before, I’ve always been a fearful/avoidant person. I want love, but I also want to be forgotten. I want to be acknowledged by my parents, but at the same time, I want to end our relationship as soon as I fulfill my filial duties.
My father had quit drinking many years ago and became a better man. I no longer have anything to hate him for, but at the same time, I have many unresolved negative feelings towards him that have carried on from my childhood. And, as you can probably tell, no matter how much I hate(d) my parents in my heart, those words never left my lips. I never told my parents I hated them during the moments where I felt the truth of those words down to my core. Similarly, I have never once told my parents that I love them.
There were moments in my adulthood where I felt especially attached to my parents. Just the thought of them leaving me or passing away made me tear up. But there was always a wall between us. I wanted them to love me, yet I didn’t want to tell them I loved them. I hated them, but I didn’t want them to hate me. I wanted to be close with them, where we could settle everything from the past and build a new relationship altogether, but I would always create space between us when I felt we got too close. I got so used to being misunderstood and mistreated that now I feel like it’s unnatural and also impossible for us to have a healthy bond.
I’m almost 21 now. I keep thinking about my parents and what they think of me. They treated me like shit when they thought I’d amount to nothing, but as soon as I was attending college and university, they treated me as if I was precious. I felt like I was like an accessory for my parents—something to show off, something to be proud of, and ultimately, something that would change other people’s opinions about them. If I was a failure, that would make them look bad. If I was successful, it would prove their competence as parents.
I don’t know… I just have many unresolved issues. It doesn’t affect my ability to complete my day-to-day responsibilities (school, work, chores, etc.), but I often lay awake at night and wonder why I’m alive.
Can anyone relate to this?",not depression
dev_pid_2715,What’s wrong with me? : ,not depression
dev_pid_2716,Friend : So my friend is being extremely secretive and ever time I ask him about it he would say something like don't worry about it. I asked him to day and he said he wasn't doing well and I asked what's up. He said he didn't want to talk about it and I wanted him to tell me what was wrong. He didn't want to so I said you need to talk about it he said no so I told him to promise me that he wouldn't do anything. He didn't want to then stopped responding. Was I being too forward and should I back off?,not depression
dev_pid_2717,"We don’t know each other, and I don’t know what you’re going through, but coming from a guy who’s fighting his own battle and knows how hard it can be I just wanted to say congrats on making it through today. : That took strength. Now go rest those mental muscles, you earned it :)",not depression
dev_pid_2718,"How do I help my friend? : I’m in college and my friend/roommate (let’s call her M) has pretty severe depression.   Last year before we lived together she was saying she was going to kill her self and my other friend had to call the police on her because she couldn’t get into the building that she lived in at the time.  The police just said “she has no physical signs of harm so we can’t do anything” and then left.  Her parents don’t believe in mental illness and live on the other side of the country so they weren’t much of a help. 
This year we live together and for a bit she started to get better then spiraled down again.  She was crying on the floor saying she wanted to die and all I could do was sit with her and try and tell her to go to bed (we were both drunk).  She also has anger issues.  Her road rage is very scary because she screams in the car at other drivers and sometimes I’m afraid someone’s going to shoot at us when she does that because we don’t live in the safest area.  Any time something doesn’t go her way she gets so angry and stomps around even in public. She uses her mental illness to guilt me and our other friend/roommate so that she can get exactly what she wants.  I’m afraid of making her angry because her anger can quickly turn to a panic attack and crying.
She is on medication but does not go to counseling anymore.  She has said she doesn’t think counseling helps her.  I have been very depressed before and seeing her breakdown and say she wants to kill herself is starting to make me depressed again.  I want to be a good friend but at the same time I get extremely angry when she thinks her mental illness is an excuse to boss me around/get whatever she wants.  I don’t know how to handle this because I can’t continue doing what I’m doing because I feel myself starting to slip back into depression again.",not depression
dev_pid_2719,"Life feels so boring... : The thing is that I'm tired, and feel like people completely ignores me, I'm just another spectator of other people lives and dont even exist. Almost no one says anything positive or negative about the stuff that I made, so I dont know if the work that I'm doing is gonna give me any future in life (and this is important because, I dont want to become another boring man, working to death without having time for anything more than eat and sleep).  
I feel like a background character of a boring movie and everytime I feel sad, my stupid brain just tells me that I'm not sad and I'm just an idiot looking for attention, and I dont know wheter that's true or not.  
I just dont know what to do, everything feels so boring and normal that I feel like everything has no purpose, and when I die I will be completely forgotten in this world in 5 minutes because of my lack of importance, personality, skills, etc.  
Everyday I work on my stuff to be a lot better but nothing gets me anywhere, and I end up in the same position as before.",not depression
dev_pid_2720,"My life used to have so much potential : I’ve thrown everything away.  My grades, my friends, it’s all not important to me now.  I used to be a top student, everyone said I was smart and funny, but now I’m none of those.  Now I’m just a let down",not depression
dev_pid_2721,"im extremely obsessed with my ex best friend. i need to just let go of him but i dont know how : im overwhelmingly obsessed with my ex best friend,, we stopped talking to each other about 10 months ago and ever since my life is a mess. he truly was my soulmate. this is creepy and i know it but i anonymously stalk his twitter every single day. i cant help it. the obsession is insane.  i felt so close to him that when we stopped talking i felt i lost half my life. ive realized i cant live the rest of my life thinking 24/7 about him like i do now :/  i wish i could make new friends and forget about him  but i dont know how. my head is so full of him that i forgot about all other aspects of life like learning to make new friends or eating healthy or going to sleep early etc etc. this feels incredibly deteriorating. my brain hurts. the root of all my problems is my obsession with him and i feel im going crazy. he seems to be doing fine now from what i’ve seen on his twitter. a part of my brain tells me that at this point he has already completely forgot about me (this would be the most rational thing) but the other part of my brain is telling me that he’s just as obsessed with me even when we haven’t talked for 10 months. it’s like i try to find comfort thinking of the possibility we’ll be as close as we used to be, someday. but after 10 months i don’t know if that can happen. i’m so lost and confused and i can’t do anything about it",not depression
dev_pid_2722,"If you speak fluent English you might want to consider yourself as the luckiest motherfucker to ever live : Basically the title, moving into the US without speaking fluently the language has hurt me in so many fucking ways socially speaking. 
You know what’s the worst of all? I’m an extrovert, I love socializing, I love meeting new people, I love hanging out with my squad but I fucking cant because of the stupid language barrier.
It’s almost quite literally like being fucking mute and wanting to speak up, like wanting to run but not having legs, like an asthmatic trying to breathe. 
If there was a button to kill myself and wake up as a native English speaker I would definitely press it. *_I feel cursed._*",not depression
dev_pid_2723,"Fourth major depression of my life. I don't think there's any fight left in me. : Yeah so I'm getting very sick and stuff... Doing people are complaining about home isolation and say that it's ""the worst experience they've ever had"" on the first day. But I've been doing this for years lol. Not kidding. Years of not really getting out. Didn't want this at all. I was full of despair 8 years ago. Lost my screaming voice short after. Then I've experienced good but it collapsed into a living hell. 21M even though it's not important. What happened? What's wrong? Too many things, I lost count. I'm collapsing. I'm not looking for saviors, nor friends or necessarily. Not attention too. If you do PM me or comment here - I'll answer. But for hell's sake, please - don't ghost. Not everyone's a member of society that communicates by the rule book. Remember, this is why I'm in this place after all.
I'm only writing this so that maybe, maybe someone will hear.",not depression
dev_pid_2724,"How I overcame dejection, drug use, and suicidal thoughts: It wasn't easy. : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2725,"Why does no one want to be my friend? : I've been trying to make friends at my job for 6 months now. I made plans to hang out with someone, it's been 3 hours. I dont think they're coming.
I dont have anyone to talk to and I'm so sad and lonely. I cant take the isolation anymore. I just want a friend",not depression
dev_pid_2726,"Depression is not... : A personality trait, it’s not a trend, it’s not a cool thing. It’s not a fashion or a choice. It’s a very terrible thing that no human should ever have to experience. Anyone who hasn’t experienced it has zero idea how dark it really is or gets.",not depression
dev_pid_2727,"Another magical day : So i met this girl a few weeks ago and ive been talking to her alot, i really like her but i dont know if its worth spending more time on her because she has this social fear or whatever its called but i have the same thing and i really dont wanna make her feel something and then hurt her. I dont know what to do, ive never really been with that many women. If anyone could give me some help id greatly appreciate it.",not depression
dev_pid_2728,"I am consider my myself a negative outcome to society, and I’m too afraid to kill myself : I’ll be honest first that I’m drunk at the time of this post, but I’ve been thinking about this for a while. 
But a long story short is I consider myself a failure. I was taught from a young age that we all need to be contributions to our society at large. And despite my efforts I utterly fail at that. 
Starting from high school. I was a social stunt that tried to act cool but ended up alienated literally everyone because of how annoying I was. Never invited to anything because my stupid self couldn’t keep my mouth shut. 
I went to two different colleges. I’m technically a senior but will not graduate for another two years. Most of my classmates will, including one that graduated a year earlier. 
During my current college career, I tired to correct myself from high school and be more approachable. I failed at this completely as I came off as utterly creepy. This hurt me but I understand completely. I made them uncomfortable. It’s my fault. 
I transferred to my 2nd college because of personal reasons. For once I finally made a group of ‘friends’ but idk if they even are. Most of them make fun of me in sometimes personal ways. Not entirely their fault though. I’ve come to realize that I’m stupid and stupid people say stupid things so they’re right to shit on me. Doesn’t make it any better though. I’m definitely in my group’s punching bag but that’s the best I can do to be social with others.
Finally, I chose to do a major That I am completely unqualified for. The fact that I only passed assignments that professors made easy and failed horribly as the actual exams shows km completely unqualified. 
I made a bunch of bad decisions that lead me here and I’m only to blame for it. The only reason I won’t kill myself is because I don’t want to be even more of a burden to my family than I’m Already am. I’m also worried about the crisis on a possible afterlife, but that’s a whole other story. That’s why I’m afraid of dying. 
TLDR; I consider myself a failure. The main reasons I haven’t killed myself is because of the burden I’ll place on my family and the fear of death itself.",not depression
dev_pid_2729,i feel like i can't be 100% happy : how do you be happy knowing that it won't last forever? i feel like i'm putting myself at risk for being sad all over again once the happiness fades away.,not depression
dev_pid_2730,Am I an asshole because I'm depressed or am I depressed because I'm an asshole? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2731,"You’re enough : you’re good enough , you’re worthy , you’re loved , you matter .",not depression
dev_pid_2732,"My grandpa passed in front of my eyes. : My grandpa was 76 and he was not doing well and I was his care taker. I lived with him the last two weeks of his life and took care of him 24/7. He was my favorite person on this planet and I can not stop picturing his death in my head. This happened a few months ago but it still is on repeat in my mind. For about a month I blamed myself because I was the one who was taking care of him. He woke up around 4 am with shortness of breath and being very cold. I put many blankets on him and helped him get more oxygen from another tank. While I was getting him the oxygen my grandma started calling 911 but I told her it was not necessary and she hung up the phone. After 10 minutes I realized this wasn’t his normal pain he suffered at night and I called 911. The paramedics got there and started talking to him but he did not want to go to the hospital (again he was 76 and spent a good amount of time there) but after 5 minutes of arguing with them I saw him have a stroke I think. The hospital could not tell me what it was but as soon as I saw him start shaking, I knew something terrible was happening. But I can not stop picturing that moment in my head. Every time I close my eyes I see that moment. I’m just really scared that this will always happen to me. I just want to know if anyone has any advice on how to help me out, I’m not sure what this is... I’ve never gone to see anyone about this or really told anyone about this but I was just hoping that some of y’all could give me some advice.",not depression
dev_pid_2733,"A Paradox : Whenever I'm depressed and people start giving me advice, telling those people to fuck off makes me smile. Maybe that's my cure!",not depression
dev_pid_2734,Ik this is selfish but I wish the world would end soon : ,not depression
dev_pid_2735,Look up Am I Inside by Alice in Chains the lyrics are so relatable. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2736,Why doesn't anyone care about me? : I don't understand.,not depression
dev_pid_2737,People who haven’t tried to commit suicide not because there scared but because they know they’ll succeed. How do you know? : ,not depression
dev_pid_2738,How come no one understands how hard it can be to say no? I have friends that make me hang out way longer than I want and it ends up taking time away from things that I want to do or get done. It ends up hurting me overall. But I can’t just say no and leave. Why does everyone I know downplay this? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2739,"Why do all my relationships and connections feel so shallow : I'm currently going through a good patch and for the most part I'm really enjoying life.
However all my relationships with friends, close friends and family all feel hollow and meaningless. 
No matter how much we 'open up' to eachother or share personal lives, the relationships don't mean very much to me.
Does anyone know why I feel this way? I want someone to feel important to me but no matter how hard I try they just don't
Thanks in advance for the advice <3",not depression
dev_pid_2740,"I’m proud of myself : I’ve been procrastinating a lot and avoiding all schoolwork for weeks. BUT this weekend I’ve done almost half of them!! I’ve read a play, wrote about 600 words about it, edited a script to fit the renaissance way of writing, just watched a movie and now writing a review about it. 
I can’t remember the last time I did this much work. And I’m actually enjoying it!!",not depression
dev_pid_2741,"Hello. I just want it to say to all redditors who are experiencing the same thing as me... I know it sucks ni many ways but, you should go easy on yourself, you are doing the best you can and tommorow will probably be better. Have hope, i know it is hard to believe but it gets better. : ",not depression
dev_pid_2742,"Anyone else simply not interested in anything? : I'm not sure if this is the right sub cos I don't feel really any emotion towards it, I'm just neutral about it. I am simply not interested in anything at all. I don't care about reading, interacting with anyone, have no hobbies, or anything that I'm interested in. I play just counter strike to pass the time but I don't really have a lot of fun at all doing it and I'm just bored as I'm playing it. It seems like I've been just existing for over a year now. I don't care about getting into a relationship, I couldn't care less about future plans or goals nor the words that come out of anyone's mouth. I just don't care about anything. Every day is just about trying to get it done with as fast as possible as no day has anything of value for me. Even in experiences like travelling to new places which should be nice I just think wow what's even the point of this. Anyone else think this way?",not depression
dev_pid_2743,"How do you know when someone may be depressed? : I have a friend who I think may be just sad but could be depressed. Honestly, it may be neither but something about his behaviour seems off. I'm slightly concerned but realise that I may be overreacting so I just need some advice as to what I should do and how I could find out what's up. If you need any more details, just ask below or PM me",not depression
dev_pid_2744,"Therapy : Good Day, are any of you all taking therapy? Which you found to be most effective? I am thinking CBT seems to be most effective and I am looking into getting that type of therapy.",not depression
dev_pid_2745,"I wanna draw : I wanna draw, but idk what to draw.😞",not depression
dev_pid_2746,"When you get high on drugs, does the high remind you of your past self when you were feeling naturally happy in life? : When I get high on for example opioids or weed, it reminds me of when I was naturally happy as a kid. When I was 11-13, I felt happy and this was the last time I felt happy. Sometimes the drug high reminds me of the times where I felt good as a kid.",not depression
dev_pid_2747,"Confused. : So, I’m young and if I try and talk and about me/how I feel, like a feeling beyond sad. I always stutter and change the subject. I don’t know if I am shy, have any mental disorders or anything, is it just shyness or a mental disorder. Thank you in advance",not depression
dev_pid_2748,Did you ever had an panic attack : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2749,"Something I noticed is that people actually enjoy eating chips, cake, ice cream, etc. These foods taste so bland to me because my depression affects my sense of taste! : I just can’t seem to enjoy these foods anymore, which is why I don’t eat them. If they did taste good I would eat it. It just sucks that I can’t really enjoy food anymore, it doesn’t taste the same anymore. Tastes like cardboard",not depression
dev_pid_2750,How to keep a gratitude journal when you don't feel gratitude? : I'm supposed to come up with three things I'm grateful for everyday. I've been looking up and writing down things other people are grateful for. How is this supposed to help? It just reminds me that I don't feel emotions like other people.,not depression
dev_pid_2751,Have you ever felt like no one....literally no one cares about you? : ,not depression
dev_pid_2752,"Depressed girlfriend wants to isolate herself : Hi, I have no idea if this is the right sub but I really hope so.
**Some background info**: I'm 1,5 year into a long distance relationship with my girlfriend. We're both in our early to mid 20s. I most likely won't be able to see her again for a few months because of the corona virus. 
She lives in a toxic home and has both depression and an eating disorder. She's had it for the whole time during our relationship, but the three past months it has progressively gotten worse to the point were she's now suicidal everyday. I do my best to support her but I know I make mistakes sometimes.
**The problem:** Two days or so ago she begged me to please let her isolate herself for a few weeks or so. She said she wanted to just be alone and think. I was a little hesitant and asked questions but wanted to respect her wishes. A few hours later she came home from finally visiting a mental health professional again, and she admitted something to me: The isolation was a plan to make people ""stop loving her"" (her words) so that she could kill herself easier in a month or so. *She then begged me to don't let her kill herself and don't let her isolate even if she says she wants to. She suggested that I could call her and talk ot her instead if she ever wants to isolate again.*
Yesterday which was about 2 days later, she said she wanted to isolate again. She made a video where she explained her reasoning behind it. She said that she's too sad to talk to anyone right now and that she wants to just think about what she has, what she is and ""start a journey"" with herself. Something like that, I don't know how to summarize it. But well, she's begging me to please let her do this if she I love her. She said ""I promise to not to anything"" and ""we will meet in two months if the corona situation has gotten better, and we will travel together"". She also said that she will text me good morning and good night every day so that I know she's there, and that I can send her texts and pictures but shouldn't expect her to do the same or even answer. She said that she want to do this for a few week or even MONThS.  
If the circumstances were different I would just respect her wishes without questioning them. But I'm really scared that this is just another plan to kill herself. Even if it isn't, I worry that her being almost totally isolated with just her toxic family will make her depression worse. And oh, her country is quarantined so she won't go to work or see any friends at all for at least 2 weeks. 
I'm really worried about her. She's saying ""I'm gonna isolate now, bye. Talk to you soon again"" and things like that. She seems really determined but I don't know if I should let this happen because of what she said 2 days ago. And now she just texted me ""please pray that nothing will happen to me"". Wtf this is giving me so much anxiety. I don't know what to do, I don't want her to kill herself.",not depression
dev_pid_2753,"It's my birthday today - turning 30 but only my husband has wished me A happy birthday.. : So I guess I feel a bit lonely , I have a few friends but they have forgotten it seems.
They say it's a big number? I don't know.
Also I've got the flue (of some sort) so that's fun :) 
I hope nobody else feels like this today or any other day.. ♡
(But it's wishful thinking I'm afraid..)",not depression
dev_pid_2754,Does anyone else feel disliked as soon as you meet someone? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2755,How to deal with loneliness if you have no friends : ,not depression
dev_pid_2756,"Anyone feel like their life is basically a tragedy with lots of suffering? : everything is just so fked up no matter how hard i tried,sometimes i just wish i had never been born and there would be no tragedy and a fk up like me lol",not depression
dev_pid_2757,"I desperately need help overcoming my procrastinating/indiffenernce towards exams : Hello,
this is my first post here and I didn't actually know, where to post it. So if you know of a different subreddit that would fit better, please let me know.
I have been struggling with depression for a long time now. It's been a bit better lately, but I honestly don't know what do do anymore.  
So, here's the thing: Since I'm a teenager I've always been kind of moody and grumpy, I prefered to be at home and do stuff on my PC, play videogames or read. While still in school I also had real bad insomnia, so whenever I had the chance, I would sleep til noon or longer.  
I wasn't a bad student tho. My grades were decent at their worst, I didn't have to study too much, because I already lerned most of the things through paying attention in class alone. Things like math I was forced to teach me (? sorry english is my second language) myself (long story- but surfice it to say crappy teacher) and because I was good at it, I thought other classmates/friends.   
And I kind of just went along with my whole day/life. I did what I had to do and that was that.  
Then I graduated and for a long time tried to figure out, what it was that I wanted to do with my life. And I finally found it. So now I'm studying biology at university and I love it. I even found a circle of friends (- which doesn't come naturally to me).  
And now that I am on the way to where I want to be in life.....yet I don't do anything to remain on course.  
I know full well - and I have always done this, but in school it worked out nontheless - that I am a procrastinator. I wait to the last possible moment and do the most necessary things - because I don't have time to do more. Which means I fail exams on a regular basis, because I didn't study enough. And I don't know how to change my attitude towards it.  
Working with rewards doesn't work, working with 'punishment' (like not doing something I like the next day or so) doesn't work either. I get sort of apathetic and indifferent about the whole thing and I'm like 'who cares?' and 'fuck it' and then I don't study. But the thing is, I know - in my head - full well what this means. And I am now at a point where I alsmost don't even sit down to study - for anything!
and this doesn't work! I want to study biology! I want to learn! There is so much I would like to learn (languages, skills,...) but I just don't do it. and I don't know what to do anymore.  
I know I can do it, there have been instances where I did it. Does someone have an idea maybe?  
P.S. I wasn't diagnosed for the longest time. and that wasn't something my family thought of (testing me for depression). Don't get me wrong, they're good people, they just thought I was lazy. So I only went to a therapist in december., and since I have to work for my money while studying and I'm living alone I can only afford a therapist that has an agreement with my insurance, so my insurance will cover those expanses. But there are only a certain number of 'places' who get these benefits, so I am still waiting for one.",not depression
dev_pid_2758,"The sky deceives, it gives, it burns until you learn as well : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2759,Can I talk to someone? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2760,Had a huge fight with my parents- blamed them for stuff and now I feel terrible. : But I also don't want to apologise because I fully believe I am right. Is that bad?,not depression
dev_pid_2761,"This has never happened before. : All of a sudden, food tastes disgusting to me. I thought I was getting better. Anyone have experience with this? Advice would be appreciated.",not depression
dev_pid_2762,"Having several ""minor"" mental problems add up and create one HUGE fucking problem : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2763,"To My Youth : 'To my youth' is actually a Korean song performed by Bolbbalgan4 and the lyrics somehow helped me.  
I hope it can help anyone here too.  
Everyone is going through something that we're just not aware of, fighting their own silent battles. Same with me. I was on a verge of giving up , but I still held on.
It was never easy, especially if you have yourself going against you. But whatever happens , never give up. promise yourself. I can see a strong person and even if all you did today was to survive, I'm really proud of you :)   
keep fighting the good fight, and always remember you can be a bright light in this world \^\_\^  
Good luck :D \~\~",not depression
dev_pid_2764,"I stepped outside in shorts and a light jacket in 25 degree weather to smoke this morning…First smell, then taste, then perception of colors, now this. Anyone else’s temperature perception been affected? : I’m 20 btw, and from Texas originally so anything under 65 was considered cold to me as a kid. Was wondering if this was a depression thing or just me getting used to the cold",not depression
dev_pid_2765,Layed off over virus and I live paycheck to paycheck. I don't have any food or money saved up. I'm probably going to starve to death before the month is out : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2766,"How do you cut someone you're close with out? : I don't want to get into details about everything, but my best friend makes me feel worse often when i already have to put up with my depression. I don't want to cut him out, but I don't want me hurting. What can I do to cut him out without feeling worse for doing it or guilty? What can I do to make sure he doesn't hurt realising that he's hurtful or that I don't want to talk anymore?",not depression
dev_pid_2767,"28 year old has gotten fired 5 times, told me he is “a lost man”, and is scaring me. However he still farts on people and acts foolish. I think this behavior is why he is where he is. I want to help him. Help. : Hi guys, I’m the older sister. My little brother is the most hilarious, kind, loved person I know. However he is also incredibly immature and has been coddled his whole life by my mom and dad. 
He’s 28 and going through a hard time. He has gotten fired from FIVE jobs in his career...and is currently unemployed yet again. While all his friends are lawyers, bankers, and have careers, he had to move in with my grandparents in the suburbs because he can’t even afford rent! He literally spends hours watching reruns of shows instead of trying to get a job. He is constantly making fun of himself (farting on my husband, flicking boogers at people, giving my friends wet willies) and it’s getting so old. I believe this all comes back to the fact that he is always making himself the “class clown” and has truly no self esteem and is constantly allowing people to speak down to him. 
Last night I went off on him a bit after he farted on me and my husband (I’m also 30 weeks pregnant) and told him that he’s too old, people roll their eyes at him because he still acts this way. He needs to get his life together and get serious about a career. He needs to stop watching tv shows and accepting the fact that my GrANDMOTHER does his laundry. He needs to be ambitious and be worried about his lot in life. He told me “I am a broken man. I am a lost person and I just want to give up”. Then he cried. In front of both of us. And left the room. I’m so hurt for him. 
I woke up early (8 AM) and he was already out of bed and working on things on his computer so that’s a good sign. He always tells me I’m the only
Person who he looks up to so everything I say really impacts him. 
Does anyone know how I can mend this situation? What the next steps would be? Important to note since he is unemployed..he lost his insurance",not depression
dev_pid_2768,Does anyone else hookup with random people just to distract them from the hopelessness? : ,not depression
dev_pid_2769,"Thoughts i thought were gone from my head are back and now i cant sleep, any suggestions on what to do? : ",not depression
dev_pid_2770,"Who in your life do you want to love you the most but doesn't? : Who in your life do you want to love you so bad, but doesn't notice it or want to reciprocate?",not depression
dev_pid_2771,"I wish it was easier to find someone to care for. : I just want to find someone I can care for and that cares for me back. No bullshit. Just two people helping each other be happier together. We don't need to be the same person. I know having similar hobbies and interests is good but It's okay if you don't like my favorite band. I might not like your favorite book. I can still appreciate what it means to you and like you more because of it. I want to have dinner and watch TV with someone. I want to go shopping, laughing at dumb jokes we make. I want to go on road trips and see the beauty of the world that's so often forgotten. I want to look forward to something.",not depression
dev_pid_2772,"It can’t just be me. This has never happened before. Please help. : All of a sudden, food tastes disgusting to me. It just tastes horrible and wrong, and makes me nauseous. I thought I was getting better. Anyone have experience with this? Advice would be appreciated.",not depression
dev_pid_2773,"I worked out for the first time in 8 months this morning : It wasn’t a long workout nor was it very challenging, but I got up and moved. It’s little things, one at a time.",not depression
dev_pid_2774,Bleh. : Anyone else having an extra hard time today? Or is that just me?,not depression
dev_pid_2775,"Big heart oof : You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and you text a bit meet each other, the whole world still seems like shit but somehow you get the feeling this one person cares... you really try hard to be the best version of yourself you can be... you clean your throughout depression messed up home, cook for her/him and do anything to comfort them not because you expect something no just because you are grateful for that feeling that someone cares...and then this moment comes... where they start acting weird... and you slowly realise they arent really interested in you neither do they really care... they ghost you and it breaks your heart... and you just ask yourself what you did wrong but you get no answers you will probably never... and that just pushes you even further down... honestly this happened to me way to often in the last years... I dont have the ""oh  I fell for someone yay"" thought anymore I have the ""fuck I know this is going to hurt again"" thought... just happened to me again and I honestly have no clue if I want to fall for someone ever again... I mean this time I can understand it to some point because I just volunteered (I'm in the military) to help hospitals in the Covid19 chaos so maybe she is afraid of that... so yeah I will just exist (I dont really feel alive) and do the things that are needed until I meet someone again and get hurt again... fml never ending loop.",not depression
dev_pid_2776,"I’m not afraid to die from Coronavirus. At least, I’m not gonna die from killing myself : The world is fucked up anyway. What’s the point of life? I wouldn’t mind dying from Coronavirus, seriously.",not depression
dev_pid_2777,"It might not be relatable. : Well there's nothing wrong about my life , have both parents , haven't lost my close friends , i wasn't broken up ... But idk why I just feel empty ..I want to be fresh and happy , i just can't do it .",not depression
dev_pid_2778,I looked through our old messages : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2779,"Well, I'm sad again. : Heads up, this is just going to be a very long rant.
Like most people on this subreddit, I SH. I don't know why I do it. I think I decide to do it because it clears my mind, like having a little glass of wine. It focuses me. Sometimes, when I'm in school, I'll feel myself about to cry, or not be able to breathe. I'll go to the bathroom, try to cut myself, and come back feeling much more focused than I was before. For me, self-harm is like a distraction. 
Sometimes, I'll hear voices. I don't know if that's normal, and I really don't care. The voices feel like people sneaking up from behind me, and whispering in my ear. Usually, they're the ones that tell me to cut myself, and I just go ahead and listen to them. They're really annoying, because they talk like they're their own people. I've heard that the schizophrenic hear voices, but I do not think I have voices to that extent. They just talk to me, tell me to kill myself and other people. I don't know what to do about them. 
I go to school. Life sucks there. I don't talk to anybody, because I can't open up. Usually, I'm the smart kid who always gets A's in everything. Now, my grades are dropping, and people are telling me to pick myself up. I don't really want to. Does it even matter? I'm going to die eventually, so what's the point on wasting my short time on learning to write a fucking check instead of doing the things I want to do? I tell people that, but I don't really do much of anything. All I do is go on the internet and write shitty poetry. I don't really consider it a hobby, because I don't feel good doing it. 
I have a family, but my relationship with them isn't very good. Usually, we barely talk to each other. When we do, it's usually arguments about my weight, or my grades, or who has to take the garbage out. I'm usually on okay terms with everybody in my family except my mother. When she talks to me, usually it's to make a snarky comment about eating too much, or not doing anything. Sometimes I can make her do my homework for me, I get an A, and everybody is happy with me, pretending I did something for myself. Once, she caught me on these depression subreddits, and she slapped me across the face, told me to get my shit together, and played music while I audibly cried in the corner. 
I don't like living. It's fucked up, all of the terrible things that happen to everybody. War and crime and poverty and murder and depression and pollution and greed and sin and whatever the fuck. I made a date for when I want to do it, but I'm scared. I don't want to die, but the voices tell me I have to and nobody seems to care. I want help but I don't want to go to the trouble of getting it. Living doesn't even matter. But it's fine.
Thanks if you sat through all of this. Back to life for me.",not depression
dev_pid_2780,When the wave hits : I have high functioning depression and I can be super excited sometimes and happy when I’m out and then suddenly I feel this huge wave of sadness crash over me and it instantly makes me want to sob and crawl into a hole and die.. but I’m in public so I have to keep pretending like everything is okay.,not depression
dev_pid_2781,"I’m this close to blocking my moms number : My mom sends me bible verses with hope you have a good day or something. Every single day. Sure she means well, but she has also been very passive aggressive and dismissive of my mental health issues and instead thinks that I need God to heal. I swear she thinks I’m going to hell. 
Background: I recently had a huge blowout with my parents because I moved to a different state with my boyfriend so that I would have a better situation to seek medical support. They deeply disproved of it all and literally blocked our car in so we couldn’t leave at one point. 
It just hurts every time she sends them or calls me and tells me she’s sending he 6th Christian book that I don’t fucking want. I’m not atheist and I actually still consider myself Christian but my views widely differ from the southern baptist church I grew up in. My parents have always dismissed my medical concerns, even when I was a kid. You can’t pray away everything and I’m just so tired of being reminded that I don’t have their support at all.",not depression
dev_pid_2782,I thought I was fine : Wth is wrong with me I can’t carry this anymore yk earlier I thought im gonna be okay and that this is it im no longer sad and now look at me im a freakin loser im tired of myself i just need to let this out im sorry for the drama,not depression
dev_pid_2783,Is it even possible to be happy with your life? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2784,"Coronavirus will help me kms : Be me, 21 y o  stuck at my parents home for quarantine in shithole paris
School is 600km away, no school so i came to stay with them
Girlfriend and friends are 600km away, parents took my computer and credit card so i don't waste my time on computer all day,  while they're spending all the day in the couch watching tv news about this virus
I'm wasting my time here, doing push ups and doing nothing on my bed all day
No one talks to me in that family, no one actually cares about anything except work or this virus 
I miss my girlfriend so much, my friends even more, life is joyless in this house
I can't even look for a job or write motivation letter without my computer, i don't know if finding me dead in my room will actually make them realize how wrong they are about me",not depression
dev_pid_2785,"I tried to clean up, but I'm losing motivation quickly. : I know that probably sounds lazy. Someone convinced me yesterday to try cleaning up, as I hadn't done so in a while, so I got out of bed this morning and didn't get food for fear of falling back into the same routine. 
I've been listening to music, having a nice time, and cleaning my room for an hour or two, but now I'm losing the will to stand, let alone continue cleaning. 
This place really is a mess, and I'm angry with myself for letting it get so bad. I was really looking forward to taking out all the garbage, doing some washing, and donating any clothes that I don't need because I'm sure that somebody needs clothes right now. I also really like sorting things and having a system, but everything is a disaster. 
I've taken out more things than I actually put back, and the only reason why I haven't given up and gone back to bed is because my bed is covered in clothes and such right now. I would have to move it whether I was going to continue cleaning or not, or I would have to sleep on the floor. 
I hate that I'm like this.",not depression
dev_pid_2786,"Sick of the cycle of self pity, I wanna be more : I'm sick of being croniclly apathetic, every weekend I tell myself I'm gonna get lots of shit done finally, there's stuff that needs to be done, I know it's a cause of my depression that it just keeps mounting and building, like a a horse standing on my chest that I keep feeding so it grows heavier. 
Seriously there's so many things I should have done already.
A good illustration of this is I bought shelving at IKEA four years ago, I gave it one attempt at setting them up, which failed so I shoved them back in the closet and I haven't bothered since, what the fuck. that's four years and this is very low stakes. There are critical things I don't want to delve into details about.
I'm constantly berrating myself for being shit, while not doing a thing to fix it, I wallow on reddit and netflix, waaay too much TV and movies.
I enjoy it..I think?
I wanna get off reddit, stop wasting my life and be a better person but I everytime I give it a go it lasts about an hour before I am mentally done, crawl back in bed where most of my tv watching is done and snuggle with the cat.
I really thought I would be better at life",not depression
dev_pid_2787,"Wife pregnant and I feel like shit : Soooo long story short I have a genetic disease that is incurable.
I thought I was infertile for years because none u was with never got pregnant, so when my wife and I had been married for a year she wanted to try and get off bc and I was only okay with it because I thought she wouldn't get pregnant.
Fast forward 3 years and she just found out she's pregnant and I'm feeling all sorts of upset and guilt and regret. I knew from teenage years that I had known what I had and was told there's no cure and I always thought yes there was, don't have kids. Don't pass it on.
So now my wife is thrilled to death she's pregnant and I'm feelings so regretful and guilty and horrible and scared shitless. I will always support her and love her and she knows how I feel and she is tore up and feeling alone and I apologise and tell her I can't how I feel and I don't want to lie to her about my feelings
What can I do? I feel so lost and out of control and don't know what to do
We are both pro life and there's no way we're giving up the kid so I need to fix me
I hate myself for how I feel and I can't change how I feel
I feel helpless",not depression
dev_pid_2788,"Idea to help with panic attacks : Hey, I have a suggestion which helped me to deal with my panic attacks. My theory is that the muscle in the picture is very important, I think it controls the amount of oxygen that gets to the brain. During a panic attack I start breathing more through my mouth (so the muscle touches the backside of the throat and blocks the whole area above mouth from the absorbtion of oxygen). That results in gradual and temporary (you have instincts which do not allow you to simply suffocate) loss of oxygen in the brain with most of the oxygen going to the spine which is made from the same neurons as the brain but in my opinion is responsible for processing input from your vision, hearing, etc. The downside is that it is not rational and if brain gets less oxygen it starts interpreting the signals from the spine (body) poorly making the body even more unstable. My idea is to keep the muscle in the image relaxed. That results in keeping both mouth and nose open for breathing and as the muscle is relaxed it can adapt and keep the balance of oxygen between brain and spine.",not depression
dev_pid_2789,"I feel way too ugly : I feel like I have everything someone would want to be ""happy"". I live alone, I have an awesome job (which I hate but lots of people would want it), I have a bunch of incredible and supportive friends and a boyfriend. But I'm still feeling empty, I still cry everyday I think I built this incredible life for someone that's not me.
Besides that, I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror, I hate the way I look, I hate my face, I hate my body and I'm completely sure I'm not the only one who looks at me and see the same I do. My boyfriend is a really good-looking guy and lots of beautiful girls are constantly talking to him, he's also a bit flirty and it hurts me a lot because I feel that I'm not good enough for him, he could be with such a beautiful girl and I just don't understand why is he with this incredible awful human being that's me. 
That issue is making me become this horrible jealous persona, with even more insecurities, paranoia and... I just don't now, it's making me crazy. Sometimes I just want to leave this world because I feel is made for beautiful people and I just don't belong in that category. I don't know what to do, I think I need help, it's hurting me way too much.
pd: Sorry for my english haha I'm from colombia, this is not my native language. Thx.",not depression
dev_pid_2790,"A title : 
I just feel like I’m trying to make everyone hate me so when I kill my self no one would care or really even notice, or make people happy by doing it",not depression
dev_pid_2791,"I got called a good person today, and it surprised me. (26f) : Today I went out to get supplies for home, the workers who know me by name we’re talking about how swamped they were so I brought in the grocery carts. At that same store a older Chinese man I know locally who doesn’t speak much English was in tears, scared but when he saw me he got me from a different isle to ask for help reading a sign. I’ve never had someone look so hesitant, or scared to ask me something. When he was leaving he patted my back, I don’t drive and took a shopping cart to bring back my stuff and then brought it back. After visiting another store for cheap wine I sat outside to smoke a cig. I ended up holding doors, carrying laundry baskets for elderly people. A man called me a “good person”. I have been told this by friends, lovers, and some strangers but this hit me for some reason. I’ve been so scared of the cov-19 but I haven’t stopped the little things I’ve always done. I’ve always done things like this, little acts to make someone feel better. But this was the first time I realized I am a good person.  This was the reason why people cry or get mad when they hear about my past, why people are surprised on how much self hatred I have or how much I wish I didn’t exist. I don’t do these things for praise, but it felt nice that I could make someone else happy. Maybe I’m not like my father, maybe I can’t change lives drastically or make the world a better place. But I like to think that these small acts could help someone who needs kindness. I sound like a idiot, as much as I hate myself ,I’m optimistic.",not depression
dev_pid_2792,Is anyone else afraid of others? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2793,Suggestion to deal with panic attacks related to COVID-19 : https://www.reddit.com/r/PanicAttack/comments/fj0eys/idea_to_help_with_panic_attacks/,not depression
dev_pid_2794,"Is it too late for me? I fucked up my life : So I feel like I've fucked up. Like really fucked up. The kind of fucked up you can't recover from. I don't know maybe I still can, but It's hard for me to stay optimistic or positive about my life anymore. It's almost like I've made every wrong choice in my life and now I'm paying for the consequences of my actions. I deserve to feel this way honestly. I have done nothing to better my life when I still had potential. I had potential to be someone. To do something meaningful with my life. I had potential to love myself at one point, but now I feel like I'm too far gone to even consider that anymore. I had potential to find love at some point in my life, but now it seems unrealistic. I had potential to do well academically and pursue higher education and do something I love. I had potential to be happy.
I want to go back to school, maybe even pursue further education. I want to learn social skills and be somebody people enjoy to be around. 
I need help.",not depression
dev_pid_2795,Questioning your gender is the worst feeling on the planet : I wake up literally everyday feeling like I don’t know who I am. I’m constantly switching between who I think I actually am and who I just want to be. Every. Single. Fucking. Day is torture. It makes me angry when people say being transgender is a “disease” or an “illness” but it’s literally the worst thing that’s ever happened to me and I would pay any amount of money just to be normal. There is no “it gets better”. It’s literally impossible for me to get out of this hole. I cannot fucking wait to kill myself and get this over with.,not depression
dev_pid_2796,"Changes : Bare with me here. Negative talk incoming. 
I won’t be surprised if I’m ousted from the group within the next few months so I guess I’ll just enjoy the little things while I can.",not depression
dev_pid_2797,"[Academic] An eight-week study of suicide ideation (Everyone 18+) : The purpose of this study is to better understand how suicidal thinking and behaviors change over time.
This Suicide Ideation Research (SIR) Study requires the participant to return once a week for 8 weeks to fill out questionnaires (and every other week, a 15-minute timed computer task) through our website. Over the course of the 8 weeks, participants can receive up to $60 in Amazon gift card codes for their complete participation.
To learn more and see if you're eligible, please visit the following link: [https://fordham.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_aa5nzaFEJ8pnmXH](https://fordham.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_aa5nzaFEJ8pnmXH)
This research is approved by the Institutional Review Board of Fordham University.",not depression
dev_pid_2798,"In the midst of Coronavirus outbreak, this Twitter account is posting positive developments and news regarding COVID-19 virus around the globe with legitimate sources. An effort to not let the positive developments go unnoticed on the web. Please follow and support. @TheWellWishers : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2799,Bullying : Any of you get bullied out of school?,not depression
dev_pid_2800,"Remedy that works for me : So I’m usually someone who hates all types of cardio and always loved weight lifting. I tried to avoid cardio at all costs just cause of how I felt before during and after lmao. Unfortunately I had to have surgery to repair my thumb so weight training has been impossible. I decided to give running a try again and let me tell you the first day sucked ass but for some reason, my mind felt free. I wasn’t thinking of how depressed and dark I feel each day and I was just focusing on my music and my rhythm. I’ve been pushing myself every day to run farther and faster and it’s been working. In the time I’m running I’m not focusing on anything else in the world and it feels great. Not telling everyone to go run Four miles everyday but maybe going for a walk or a jog could help clear your head and give you some peace, even if it is only temporary. Thinking of all of you ❤️",not depression
dev_pid_2801,"Will sex and by extension losing my virginity, give my life any sort of meaning? : So i am a 27 year old virgin and i got nothing going on in life besides the job that I hate, boredom and depression. I wonder if anyone in a similar range who lost it found any improvement mental afterwards.",not depression
dev_pid_2802,"I'm going to die alone : Everyone is constantly cancelling on me at the last minute (why??? If *I* say I'm going to be someplace, I'll be there; wtf is this flakey, bail-on-everyone bullshit with the young people?) and I've never really been in a long-term relationship. 
Everyone around me seems to have been able to find their person easily, but I can't even find someone to go out to the movies with. 
I've spent the last five birthdays alone because people cancel on me all the time, and I don't really have a ""life"" or ""friends"" for the same reason. Anything I do, I do alone. So people think I'm a loner, I guess, and I just never end up really able to find any kind of meaningful relationships. I hate it, and I feel so alone. 
I've been on dating sites nonstop since the day I turned 18 (I am now 25), and I'm still single. I've been a student for years, but I still have no friends. People like me at work, but when I ask people to hang out, they always commit and then cancel. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I am going to die of loneliness soon. I can't keep this up.",not depression
dev_pid_2803,"I’m tired of no one giving a shit about me, what did I do to deserve this ? : Besides my boyfriend I don’t have any friends. I thought I did but when I really need them no one is here not one person. People I’ve met over the internet are here for me more. I’m so stressed and I need someone to talk to please ? I feel like cutting myself so badly right now and I can’t stop crying. I’m a pathetic loser.",not depression
dev_pid_2804,I wish this pregnancy was over already : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2805,"I’m glad school is closed : I’ll just lock myself in my room for 3 weeks and watch anime all day, walk the dog and eat and catch up on sleep. I can finally rest from all the social shit going on at school. This was all I ever wanted. Maybe after this I can build up to having a functionable me again.",not depression
dev_pid_2806,"About 4 years ago one of my coworkers talked about depression and I said ""I don't believe in depression."" I was young and stupid at the time and I never got to apologize. Now I work somewhere else and that co-worker hasoved from her previous job too. I want to reach out through FB and apologize : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2807,"My bf says he will kill himself in three weeks. I don't know what to do : I'm so scared. I've never been so scared in my life before
 He says he constantly feels nauseous no matter what he does, and this feeling never goes away. He says he doesn't feel anything anymore, nothing brings him joy. I try to help. I really try to do my best, but it isn't enough. Nothing I do makes him feel better
He says he will see a doctor soon, but I really don't think he will considering the fact he even chose a date for his suicide
I want to do something. Anything that will help before it's too late... What do i do?",not depression
dev_pid_2808,"I'm sorry to throw a tantrum like that but.. : IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR, NONE OF IT IS.
I did nothing to deserve this hell, It's not my fault who I am or how I was born. I'll never be normal, never be free, never be given an equal chance, never experience what others so effortlessly do. 
I'm so hurt, I have no one by my side, I hate who I am, I hate where I live, I hate my skin, I hate people in my life, I hate the thought of having to see another person.
I'm not cut out for this shit world, but I'm too paralysed and weak to actually go through with ending it all and maybe preserve some dignity, rather than being this awful leech that everyone openly hates.
I was given the right tools in life to prosper, this isn't on me. I'm gonna kill myself one day, it's a fact. I just hope something major happens soon to me that'll push me to a point where I have no other option but to die. Soon, please let it be soon.",not depression
dev_pid_2809,"“Hey, I heard you’re going through something rough, can I come by and pick you up?” : Said no fucking body ever. I guess it’s wrong of me to expect people I consider close to me to care enough to make some form of contact when I’m about to down a bottle of gummy vitamins and end my shit. 
At least I have siblings. I’m sorry to those who don’t. I love you if you’re reading this.",not depression
dev_pid_2810,Went to the animal shelter and haven't felt that good in a long time! : My bf and I fell in love with a cat and we'll bring him home next week. I couldn't be more excited and I haven't been able to feel this good in forever. Really hoping the feeling stays for a while. :),not depression
dev_pid_2811,death : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2812,I'm just stuck rn : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2813,"I'm done being soft : this life is mine for the taking and I'm done taking orders from and putting up with shitty people who only slow me down. the people in my life right now are my partners in crime and business. I'm gonna go to the top of the world with these people, not lay around like a bitch.
 my three step plan:
1. get money
2. go to school
3. get money
it's that simple. good luck everyone.",not depression
dev_pid_2814,"I want to watch TV but I can't be bothered : Right now I don't even pay rent. I'm not even an adult and I haven't started the hard and long stretch of life. I don't even have to do anything, and yet I still feel like I can't cope. I'm just in bed crying, binge eating unhealthy food, and listening to nightcore. I don't want to listen to the same song again. Actually, right now I really want to watch this TV show, but I can't bring myself to stop doing nothing and log on to my laptop. Besides, it will probably bore me and not be worth it. Why waste my time watching TV when I could be crying?
I'm panicking  thinking about all the free time I've wasted not doing stuff that will make me feel better like watching TV. I know TV sounds unproductive and a waste of time but there are shows that I really want to watch. I'm running out of time.
I honestly really want to OD on some opiate in uni. That way I can experience the social life aspect of uni without having to worry about having responsibilities. I don't even know I'm waiting 'til then, I don't like socialising now, what will change between now and then. I wish there were more accessable means of suicide that had minimal pain (for myself).
I feel miserable everyday, I don't want to feel like this indefinitely. I don't have enough motivation to do things that might make me feel better. I'm worried they won't even make me happy to be honest. I've been feeling this way for 3 years, nothing has changed.
I've had an online friend for almost 5 years, but I will soon end our friendship. We were going to meet up at a convention this May, but my bmi is 25.5 and I don't think I'm gonna lose enough weight in time. I know I will regret not doing this.
I can't cope with this feeling of regret of all the things I should have done in the past to improve my life. Like not get fat. I feel so guilty about all these things I haven't done. But I still don't want to do them, I just want them not to matter any more.
Both my bioparents have schizophrenia and there is a 40% chance I will inherit it, I don't want to live long enough to find out.",not depression
dev_pid_2815,death : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2816,"I’m so tired of feeling this pressure to be exceptional : I always dread long breaks bc I have nothing to do but reflect on myself and it just makes me so depressed and anxious. Now that school’s out for 3 weeks (COVID-19 quarantine + March Break) I can already feel myself slipping into that mindset again. I literally go to bed at 3 or 4 AM and wake up at 3 PM. I have nothing to do, and no real passions or hobbies, and long breaks always just make me painfully aware that my life is literally so boring without school bc like... that’s pretty much the only thing I’m good at, which is so sad. And to make it even worse, I’m terrified of being able to get into a good university next year (I’m a junior rn) and I don’t know what I’m gonna do if I don’t. Like, I need to get accepted in the first place, and then win scholarships so I don’t fall into crippling debt, etc. There’s always this pressure to achieve and it’s gotten to the point where I don’t *want* to achieve anything anymore. Literally I feel so empty without any sort of purpose but I have no energy to find one for myself.",not depression
dev_pid_2817,"None of My ""Friends"" Actually Care About Me : I rarely ever get asked if I want to hang out and on the rare occasions that I do, they always have some low-effort lie like, *""haha sorry I've been so busy!""*
Like, it's okay. You don't have to lie. I can take it. I know you haven't been busy for 7 months straight. I see you hanging out with your other friends all the time. You post about it all the time. You're not inviting me to the things we used to do together and instead doing those things with others. I'm just your backup acquaintance for when you're bored and no one else can hang out. If I disappeared, or died, or moved away and we never saw each other ever again, you would probably only be moderately sad for like two days, maybe even less.",not depression
dev_pid_2818,Opening up to people : For me I just can’t open up to people. I have extreme trust issues and I really don’t want to burden anyone,not depression
dev_pid_2819,I'm looking for people : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2820,"Why are Sunday’s the hardest? : For me, my depression always gets worse on a Sunday. Like don’t get me wrong throughout the week it’s generally just a numbness; but it’s more about getting through each day when I’m at work etc. Weekends are so quiet and empty. Saturdays I can deal with because it’s the first day of the weekend and I tend to just sleep/ rest then, but sundays are filled with silence and I feel more alone then, and it feels like there’s a huge weight on my chest. I don’t feel anxious for the week ahead, my job is what it is, I’m good at it and I enjoy it. 
Is it just me or does anyone else feel this?",not depression
dev_pid_2821,"Emo Music Playlist Suggestions : Hello all
I’m looking for sad song suggestions when I’m up in my emo feels 🙄 I’d love to hear what you guys listen to :)",not depression
dev_pid_2822,"Help. A friend from college is suffering from depression and none of our friend group is near her. : I'm not sure if this is there right place to post this, but if it isn't, can someone point me in the right direction?
My college left for spring break about 10 days ago. We we're supposed to go back today, but with the Coronavirus, they have moved to online classes for the remainder of the semester. One of my friend told me this morning that she feels her depression has been getting worse. With all the isolation and ""social distancing"" that has been called for in the past week, it makes sense. 
I live almost seven hours away from her, so there doesn't seem to be much that I can do to help. But if there is anything I can do, what could it be? Thanks for any suggestions.",not depression
dev_pid_2823,"Don't give up : Please don't, I know life really loves to kick you until you can't stand it anymore and I know you're hurting but please try and see past the trees, there's light there and it's brighter than you think. I just hope your day gets a little brighter for now. I know it might not last but please don't let that derail you. Try and have a good day",not depression
dev_pid_2824,"This quarantining is a blessing and a curse : I have an excuse to stay indoors all day, but I'll be kicked out of my college dorm soon and'll have to live with family, so I won't have any time to cry by myself.",not depression
dev_pid_2825,Everyday my mood is a 1-2/10 what the fuck do I do? : If I do drugs then things will just be worse. I practically can’t do anything. Anything I do doesn’t make me less depressed. It’s like I’m constantly depressed no matter what,not depression
dev_pid_2826,"I've been ghosting my friends : I already made up an excuse not to go to my friends 18 birthday party (I'm not that close to her but still) and now my other friends' birthdays are coming us and I really don't feel like going either. I don't know if I even should post this. Just because I'd rather die than to share what I think or feel. Maybe I just can't. I've missed so many occasions to say that to my friends and family. But I just can't. I'm yearning for a connection but the truth is, I've never felt more alone.",not depression
dev_pid_2827,"I don't usually post or comment on reddit, but this has been destroying me my whole life : Everyone around you is changing, getting a new life and new friends. And you yourself just... Feel stuck in place. No, I am stuck in place. Like everyone's just moving on, and you're chained to a pole. I have watched my classmates change and get older over several years, I can't recognize any of them at all! Yet I feel like I'm constantly the same, just darker inside. My best friend of my childhood ditched me and had a better life with other people. We were friends for over 10 years. My second best friend from 8th grade just treated me like shit after an incident she was at fault at. My best friend from 9th to start of 10th grade just..​suddenly changed schools and we lost contact.. I literally have no friends. And why do I need friends? All my experiences with them are that I'm boring no matter how hard I try to keep healing the bond. That om the one at fault, no matter the situation. That I will be left behind, no matter how similar we are. That everyone is moving on to a better life.
I guess I simply just am stuck to a pole, watching everyone go. And people wonder why I'm bitter, aggressive, sad, distancing and isolating... I've been broken too many times, and can barely stop the bleeding wounds, let alone heal...
You shout have done something with our friendship while you still could, so called 'bff'. I'm done.",not depression
dev_pid_2828,How do you move on from feeling you've missed out on so much of your life? : Like I understand that it could be said at any stage of life and in a few years from now I could be saying I wasted this time too but I really feel I missed a crucial developmental phase and can never get it back. I don't compare myself to others or anything like and I know the clichéd advice of how everyone grows at their own pace but there's some things that pass you by and can never get back or experience,not depression
dev_pid_2829,"I’m going to spiral into an unhealthy life withought school. : Im a teenager with a bad relationship with their dad and am stuck in the same house for the next 4 weeks with him. My parents are on top of me about washing my hands and staying safe from corona. Truth is I want corona, so maybe I could get it and die from it. I’m going to get to the main point though, idk what to call this but I’m going to lose myself in the next 4 weeks. School is the only thing that makes me get dressed in the morning and shower at night. I know without school I’m going to stay in the same clothes for the next 28 days not shower and only get out of bed to eat. I’m scared for myself because I’m only two days into this break and I’ve already started doing what I’ve listed above. Only new difference is I’ve started sleeping to escape the day, I’ve stayed sleeping around 17/24 hours in the day. My dad and I fight a lot usually once a day. I’m also scared I’m going to develop an eating disorder over the break and not even know it. I’m happy with how I look just not how the scale the reads my number looks. My goal is 80 and I’m at 93. Once again I’m scared for myself and I don’t know how to fix myself. (One of my first post’s only reddit, sorry for how and this paragraph is)",not depression
dev_pid_2830,"""He seems a little off"" : Yeah like I don't fucking know that already. I'm trying all my best for you to like me and you never give me a chance. My life isn't for me anymore, I got that memo long fucking time ago. Now it's just for you. Whatever gets you to like me whether I like it or not I'll do it. Cause it ain't fucking hard enough for all of you to isolate me no but then have to pass your social acceptance test or some shit fuck ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck",not depression
dev_pid_2831,"It’s been five months and I still cry when people talk about my ex : I’ve been in a dark place for over a year and it doesn’t help that I’m a pathetic piece of shit who still cries over my ex gf after five months.
I haven’t been with anyone since while she’s already been with 3 new guys, it really comes of that she didn’t care as much as I thought she did which is such a kick in the teeth.
She was the only one I trusted with my cutting and after we ended she told my parents about it which I told her not to do. And since then I’ve gone through the hoops to get professional help and it’s been a slow slow that anyone that knows the uk healthcare system will know. I’m finally having my first camhs appointment on Tuesday and it’s going to be a slow process with the whole covid-19 thing. But I just feel so unwanted. And crippling loneliness and anxiety doesn’t help the whole not getting over the ex thing. 2 suicide attempts don’t help either hahaha.
I hate myself so much.
I just wanna curl up and die too.
Or just a nice girl who loves me for me and doesn’t see me as a pathetic over emotional piece of shit.
I’m sorry for this whiny post I just needed somewhere to rant...",not depression
dev_pid_2832,Please help with my Go Fund Me : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2833,"For years I've felt I've been missing something. : What is that ""something"" you might ask? Well, it's that little spark that every normal person seems to have. That little flame that gives them a will to live, that drives their desires and goals. For years now i've felt like i was missing something. That I wasn't made quite right. I felt empty and for the longest time i feared i was missing that little flame that brought people to life and filled them with passion. 
As time went on i gradually lost interest in everything. I stopped asking for things on Christmas and on my birthday. I stopped trying in school. I stopped thinking about the future and about my goals. I eventually came to know this as depression, which would continue on to utterly destroy my motivation and will to live. Paired with being an awkard, introverted, loner made me feel even further an outcast. Like i was the only one that was broken, watching everyone else living and accomplishing their goals so easily. 
Skip forward a few years, past my only relationship that wasn't any good for me, and now here i am a 21 year old male with no job stuck at home as a housekeeper for his parents that are never around. Pile on all the responsibilities of taking care of a bunch of animals with a side of being in the middle of no where and you have the perfect recipe for feeling stuck. Stuck out on the edges of a tiny town with nothing to do, no where to go, and no one to talk to. Stuck in my head feeling that every day has been exactly the same since 10th grade highschool.
I've become a pathetic excuse for a human... lifeless, empty, no motivation, no dreams nor desires. I sleep 12 hours a day, barely take care of my self, and the only thing i ever do is sit here and play video games to pass the few hours that i'm awake. Even when people try to help me i don't do anything, which just leaves me to think i might just be a shitty person.
Nothing seems to help. Nothing brings me any happiness. Nothing ever seems to help me get my life moving. Except for one thing. Love. Which, i know, sounds a little bit desperate saying that's the only thing that makes me happy... but it's true. The only thing that ever gives me any motivation is having a romantic interest since i no longer desire to do things for my self. Being able to hold some one is the only thing helps me relax.. otherwise i'm intensely unhappy and always running on 99% stress. I just.. wish i could hold some one's hand. 
I'm not sure what else to say, just kind of wanted to rant a little since i have no one else to bother. This is my first post here, so hello all.",not depression
dev_pid_2834,"Day 708: What's the point of still being alive. A letter to my dad. : You told me to be honest with you, and I tried to be, but all that did was make you disappointed and upset that I wasn't turning out the way you wanted. When I was honest about my flaws, instead of supporting me, all you did was feel disappointed and dug the knife in deeper, every time. You get angry when I close myself off, and you are upset when I open up. 
I can't help feeling afraid, I'm not as perfect and as achieving as you are. Believe me, I wish I was, and I can already tell that despite all the effort I put in to have an honest discussion with you some days ago when you were upset and angry, you didn't hear a single thing I said. And you obviously don't remember any of it. Your mind somehow can't comprehend anything about me, any of my flaws, the way my mind works, or literally anything about how people work except from your own perspective. How dare you tell me that your life has been awful and that you've suffered. I know you have, and I sympathized once upon a time, but quite frankly I've never received emotional support from you. And despite the craving in my heart for acceptance from his father I know I never will. 
I wanted to do this for you today because I wanted to show I care, but it turns out that it didn't matter. You were going to be upset and unhappy anyway, no matter what I did. Yes, I was thinking of trying to go driving today, and to practice and everything, but I guess it never mattered. Well, if I lucked out and did well, maybe it wouldn't turn out so bad. 
I'm almost 25. I am going to try and kill myself on my birthday. For real this time, I'll have a last day with everything I wanted to do, and then I'll ditch my phone somewhere north and go as far as I can go without anyone else finding me. I think that's fine. It's just hard to rationalize because I'm still making plans with people for next week. Hard to have to explain to them, and I guess to you, how much I will miss being alive. I want to blame you for this, and there's a part of me that wants to hurt you in retribution for all the pain you've caused me that does, but I know it's pointless, both because you wouldn't understand what I meant, and even if you did you'd never be able to comprehend what you've actually done to me. I should know, I've tried explaining to you. I guess common sense really doesn't apply to everyone, huh. 
I don't really want anything sweet for my birthday. If I had to pick a present, it would probably be something like, being happy. Or not wanting to cry so often. Just something small, for me. 
There's so much I really wanted to have said, but I guess that's fine. I don't even know if I hate you, because I don't think that's true. Maybe I do, but I feel guilty about it, because it really isn't entirely your fault. It's a frustration that I was born without parents that understood me, and a world that had no place for me, that I was forced to carve my own path through, and yet it burdened me with things that took away my ability to do so. It feels unfair, but I know you don't care, you never did about the suffering that you saw was beneath your own experiences. I know you never truly understood my struggle with fighting for my own existence, because you flew through it without taking a scratch yourself, and you should be proud of that achievement. If I offer some advice however, maybe don't look down on those who are not having as much luck as you did in getting through your trials. 
I don't know, my suicide might be a wake up call for you, but I highly doubt it. You're =immune to anything that will change your mind, except stuff that proves you're right. If anything, this will just confirm all your worst theories about me. Maybe this way you'll feel freed enough to go and marry someone else and finally live the remainder of your life happy and unrestrained by what you perceive to be the failures of your life. 
I don't know how I'm going to do it yet. But that's alright. I still look back on those times I stood by the tracks. 
It's almost 2 years since I decided that I would try to fix myself. I don't know how far along I've even come, and it feels like I've done nothing good in the time since. 
I held out for almost 2 years. That's more than I deserved or expected I guess. I don't know what I should do anymore. There's plenty of things I can decide to work on but, I just don't think there's any point sometimes. 
2 years. Wow. I feel like that's been long enough, I suppose.",not depression
dev_pid_2835,"Sad music helps : It pairs with my actual feelings, as opposed to forced happiness. It's good. A plus. Also, sometimes you get representation through lyrics, and that is definitely good.",not depression
dev_pid_2836,"Have you ever seen your friends smile and thought ""Yeah they are better off without me*? : I'll start by saying this : Under no circumstances have my friends ever treated me poorly.
It's been a while since that happened. The bell rang and the break began. So I went to find them and when I did they were laughing so hard (I was in my very lows that day), I felt so nice for them and at the same time I thought ""I can't offer them that"". Before we went back to the classes, I let them walk infront of me because I didn't feel like being 100% in the mood and just by looking at them I kept thinking how great they are together.
Now today I saw some Insta stories of them staying at the house of the one I am closest to and it kinda hit me again. I hope I am not just jealous. It's just that at points I feel like I annoy them when they give me no reason to believe that.
I always tell jokes and laugh and 90% of the time they won't even notice the state of me because of how well I hide it. I love them, yet I am sure they deserve someone who is not like me.  Especially the one I am or used to (yes I am insecure) be closest to. She deserves the world and she's always been there for me but I can't keep being a burden to someone so kind, whom I love so much. I just feel like they ""clicked"" so much better and even though on one hand it kinda hurts on the other it is nice to see them like that. Especially when the other one got hurt by her once best friend. 
Anyway thanks for reading... What about you?",not depression
dev_pid_2837,"To be at peace : “Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.”
- Sylvia Plath",not depression
dev_pid_2838,"Feels like I'm living in the Twilight Zone : Does anyone else ever feel this way? It feels like I've entered some alternate dimension where all my friends and loved ones have disappeared and I'm stuck, isolated, wandering through some never ending gray fog of depression. Sometimes I'll go out with a friend or have a moment that brings back some color, but ultimately I always return to that gray fog. TBH not really looking for a solution, but would be nice to know others can relate.",not depression
dev_pid_2839,"Am I at fault for falling to her? : Prepare for a long wall of text. I made this in one setting and didn't review it so I apologize if my thoughts are scattered but I tried my best. Please ask questions if there's something you want cleared. Also, I suggest you read my other post over at r/molested it's quite short and is related to this.
t's been a while since I talked to people on a personal level. Last time I did was a long time ago with my parents. I told them about how two close family members have been molesting me. And they kept doing it and teasing me about it. This was at the age of 7 till 15. Day in and day out, sometimes more than once a day. I didn't know any better and, the obligatory, I kind of enjoyed the attention and the privileges I had. My parents don't know that I've told the story to the both of them because I talked to each of them separately. My rapists knew that my parents are aware of the whole ordeal. I told my parents about it a while after it started when I was still 7. It's really difficult for me to point out every aspect the trauma has influenced my life but I think its safe to assume that it scarred me for life. 
I hated everything and everyone and the moment I realized that I can leave home, I did. I dropped out of college 2 months in and moved to another city pursuing a new life. Desperately trying to disassociate myself from my past and trying to find something that is meaningful to hold onto. I've improved but I've never fully recovered. It was a matter of time till I started to go back to my old habits. Some things are never meant to change, I guess. I tried to keep myself busy and started going to university to pursue a degree in Finance as part-time student. You know one more thing to keep me busy but it barely changed anything. 
I'm still able to keep myself in check tho. I gave life another go. I went to see a psychologist. I couldn't say much and left immediately. I barely even started because I felt something was off and I excused myself out of there. The psychologist tried her best to keep me but I've already made my mind and she was kind enough to fully refund the appointment bill. She suggested I see a psychiatrist that can prescribe me medication that will help me loosen up a bit. I wasn't up for it at the beginning but I eventually did. 
I was diagnosed with ADHD, MDD, and severe anxiety disorder (PTSD + OCD). I already knew that my mentality is fucked so I couldn't care less, I just wanted to make sure that I have given life everything before doing something stupid. I still have nightmares about it too. I didn't get into too many details with the psychiatrist but I've said enough I think. And here comes the crazy part. There's this girl I met online. We never talked in person but she seemed like a nice person. I consider myself an emotionally numb person. The trauma has taken its toll on me, I guess. I've never had intrest in anything. Lots of close people died, friendships ended and it never effected me.
Anyways, I once saw her complaining online about something so I messaged her wondering what's wrong and if there's something I can do to help. I opened up a little to give her assurance that I have good intentions. I said something along the lines of that she shouldn't wallow in her feelings like I did. 
Nothing comes out of it tho but then she tells me that apparently she's a psychology graduate. We go back and forth about random things. I think her niceness didn't allow her to let me go with my issues unresolved and I started to catch feelings so I tried my best to stop it right then and there but I kept wanting more. She barely said other than nice things and words of encouragement and assurance but I guess that's what all I ever wanted. It happened to be the weekend so I decided to relax at home and take a break from the internet for a day. Also, for whatever reason I thought this was some medication side effect so I decided to stop using them for over a week. I wanted to know if whatever I'm feeling is genuine and real. 
It was and I couldn't get her out of my mind. I would write her a couple of hundred of words and eagerly await her response, like a drug addict awaiting to get his fix. After a couple of days I tried desperately to distance myself from her. I couldn't. So I started dropping hints that she was moving something in me I never experienced before. I thought I was incapable of feeling anything. I've never cried, felt bad about someone or something or wanted something in my life before this. I've done so many messed up things and witnessed a lot more but it never fazed or changed a thing in me. 
Anyways, I'm trying to set the boundaries between her and I. I told her that I can get easily attached. That there has to be a high level of intimacy for me to leave myself vulnerable and that I've been betrayed by 2 of the dearest people to my heart in the past which caused a lot of trust issues. Therefore, I try to establish boundaries between others and I to maintain good standings and that im tired of losing people. I'm not sure if I was already screwed or she said something that left me wanting to say more but I did nonetheless. 
I told her everything but the fact that I was molested for years. I don't want her to pity me. I told her why I've said what I said and that she means a lot to me. Plus the fact that I couldn't take her out of my mind for the last two weeks. I told her that I've never fallen for anyone or anything, I've never been excited to hear from someone, and not in my wildest dreams I could've foreseen this happening. I told her that I decided to stop using the medication because it never helped. She was somewhat upset that I did and holy shit am I a sucker for her. I listened to her and went to see my psychiatrist the following day. I told him about stopping the medication. Also, she wanted me to tell him about what happened between us. I couldn't do it directly. I told him that I usually visit my family because that's what normal people do but it was never something I think about. I told him that I started feeling emotional and that I miss my family. He asked what do I think, whether I like feeling this way or not and if seeing them would make me feel happy. I agreed to all and said that i liked how it felt, that I think it's a good feeling and that the only thing on my mind right now is seeing them. When I said family I was referring to her. We concluded this topic by him telling me to pursue whatever makes me happy and how to handle future challenges. We also had a chat about ADHD and its effects on my uni/job performance but that's not relevant to the topic. 
Again, I've come come out clean to her after seeing my doctor. I told her I love her and that I still stand by what I said. That I've never wanted anything more in my life and I'm the happiest I could've been and that she has been the best thing to happen to me. I appreciate honest people so I thought I should be honest and tell things exactly how they are. I don't think she feels the same way towards me nor does it seem like she's interested, really. I don't blame her whatsoever. I wouldn't want to associate with myself if I had a say in it. I mean I kept changing identities multiple times just because of how much I despise myself so who am I to judge. I'm just kind of disappointed that she dragged me all this way when she knew what she would inflect upon me. I told her that what she was doing will break me down eventually, which it did. 
I don't know why I'm saying any of this, really. I guess I want to leave a legacy for just in case. I hate everything and despise myself the most and I want a way out of this misery. I want to end it for good. Its been a long time coming and I think that this is it. It can never get any better than this which still didn't work. I won't give up easily though. I'll try my best to keep my sanity for as long as possible. I don't know myself as a quitter and will never give something up unless I know for a fact that I just can't do anything about it.",not depression
dev_pid_2840,Does anyone want to talk? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2841,"I Really Need Some Advice : OK I don't really know how to start this.
I've been feeling low for around 2 years now. It's not really there all the time, it mostly comes in bursts of 2 weeks and then just kinda goes away. But since January this year, everything has just felt like too much. During this time, here are a couple of the things I feel:
Numbness
Guilt
Lack of interest in things I love
I feel alone, yet can't bring myself to be around people. I feel just as alone in a crowd as I do on my own.
No-one wants to hear what I want to say
I feel constantly judged
I can't turn my brain off
I don't deserve compliments, and any compliments I'm given are because they feel sorry for me
I can't concentrate
I feel forgettable
Nothing I do is good enough 
I even convince myself that I don't really feel this way and I'm doing it for attention
There are many reasons why I have never told anyone about it. First, I don't want people to feel sorry for me or treat me any differently. Also, I've always found it really hard to ask for help as I feel like I should always have everything under control. I feel as if no one will take me seriously and say that I'm overreacting. Finally, I consider myself to be someone who fixes everyone else's problems, so someone helping me wouldn't feel right.
I don't know why I feel like this, but I know there are some things that are really making it worse. First of all, I'm hiding loads of secrets from people (my own and others). Secondly, I'm into my second year of exams and had very disappointing prelim results. 
I have tried to tell people about it. I drop little hints all over the place hoping that someone will latch on, but no one notices. Whenever people ask me how I am I'm screaming in my head that I feel really bad, but I say that I'm fine. I've even tried writing a note but I chickened out of putting it down because I didn't want to make my family sad. I feel like at this rate, my family will never know how I truly feel. And I feel like I would benefit from getting help now as I feel that if I fail any of my exams, I'm going to totally lose it.
What is your advice about admitting it to family? How do I do it when I constantly make myself feel like I'm overreacting? How do I build up the courage? Please, any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.",not depression
dev_pid_2842,I feel alone. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2843,"""The sadness will last forever"" : These reportedly were Vincent Van Gogh's last words on his death bed, before dying of a self inflicted shot wound.
=/",not depression
dev_pid_2844,"I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to do. I don't have much of anything. : I was going to graduate with  bachelors at the age of 25 this past Spring, but dew to my school giving me shit, I ended up not getting it until December of this past year. With no money I moved to the city, in with my girlfriend and her parents so I could begin work. However I lost my job. And I'm looking, I'm looking a lot while really hoping I get into grad school. So while I hope to get my application finalized tomorrow or so, I still have nothing to do and I feel useless. The useless boyfriend. That's me. 
I feel useless. All the time. My partner jut got a new job. And with it a new social circle.  A new everything. I just sit at home with her disables step-mother, who is Bi-polar and lives at home all day, so she likes having the company and misses it. I may have gotten a month and a half part time gig. Depends on the next few days. I think I'm ready to apply to chains, Like Dunken Doughnuts or something and continue the search from there. I have nothing. No money, No friends. I may spend a few days later this week at a parents house just to recover, be someplace familer, not a new place where I feel like an alien.
I live on the east coast of the United States. I grew up on the West coast. I'm far from home, no job. No Money. No anything.  I Try to do things, even online, things for em to look forward to, but given the nature of people and schedules, I cannot always rely on that. I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had friends. I wish I wasn't autistic. My partner loves me, loves me a lot, I have that. But, man, I need something for me, ya know? I wish I had something in my life.",not depression
dev_pid_2845,Does anyone take risperidone for depression? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2846,"I’m really lonely : I’ve been sick recently, it’s not COVID-19, and I live in Canada where there is no lockdown yet but none of my friends will come and visit me because they’re afraid of me, I can’t go outside and I’m really lonely, only my dad has been here for me since he was sick last week and past it down to me. I’ve started talking to myself and I keep seeing my friends hanging out without me because they don’t want to get infected, spring break just started but I can tell it’s gonna be horrible, I don’t know for how much longer I can last. My illness is at least getting better.",not depression
dev_pid_2847,"How to deal with being unloved : How do you guys deal with knowing the painful fact that no one loves you but yourself? No family, no friend's. Just me. How can I cope with that thought?",not depression
dev_pid_2848,I just feel like I’m wearing a mask like I have a certain personality for one group of friends and another for my other group of friends I’m starting to feel like I have no personality at all and I feel hollow : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2849,"I just want a friend : I feel so alone, I’m so tired of putting up this facade of being happy and being the problem solver for everyone..",not depression
dev_pid_2850,"Bye : A girl broke my heart and she was my last hope after all the bullshit in my life, everything else hella fucked. My own family is messed up, even my mom. 
Just wanna leave something behind idfk. Goodbye.",not depression
dev_pid_2851,"Im scared for my safety in my own home : My mom is refusing to feed me or take care of me until I do what she wants, which I CAN'T because I haven't eaten all day. And if I don't clean the ENTIRE house TODAY by 6:00 (its currently 5:20) then I'm grounded for the Spring Break and going to be forced to cut contact with all my friends. Fuck my life",not depression
dev_pid_2852,"Probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life happened today and now I want to die : Went to see an urologist today for mild testicle pain that had lasted for a month. After investigating, the urologist asked when was the last time I had sex as he was suspecting it was chlamydia. 
I, a 18-year old, answered that it wasn't possible that I could have chlamydia. The doctor kept pushing and asking when I last had sex and I tried to not say it but eventually I had to. 
It's kinda wrecking when you've got no self-esteem as it is and after getting your balls groped by a 55-year old man, you have to openly confess that you're a virgin, to which the doctor goes ""oh... oh, well then"", and you have to pay 150 bucks for it and the reason my balls hurt wasn't even figured out. 
Like come on. Has everyone already had sex at age 18? I thought I wasn't like the only time but the doctor was surprised as hell. Now on top of being a virgin, I'm extremely insecure about it. 
What a great day.",not depression
dev_pid_2853,"Is it normal to worry when I don't get a message back from my friend with depression? : I sent her a dumb little meme, she saw it and messaged me back instantly. She told me how long she slept in/couldn't get out of bed. I messaged her back upon getting it and then the convo ended. She didn't reply back as soon.
I thought I might have sent/said something back to her but I wonder if something is wrong? What I told her after getting her reply was that I did say that she told me her troubles and it's understandable to be flustered with her personal problems as well as this pandemic. 
I know she recently had a new therapist and I'm tempted to call her since I don't think I've seen something like this before, usually she just takes hours to reply.",not depression
dev_pid_2854,Just lost the love of my life : Dont really know what I'm gonna do now. The one person who i cared for most has left me.,not depression
dev_pid_2855,i really doubt ill find someone that loves me as much as she did : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2856,"I slept four hours and it just keeps getting worse. : I took a week and a half off of school, because I needed a bit of reflection. I did some stuff that gets me through life a bit easier in the long run, but destroys me temporarily, until I'm back around people. And then I got news on Friday that school's closed for at least two weeks. I can't deal with this shit. I'm stuck completely alone in a house, and I can't even scream, because my father is here. I can't even just go watch a show or something, because the crippling loneliness won't let me think. I've always been alone, so I generally know how to manage it, but this is the worst it's been in years. I need to go be around people before I go crazy, but I don't know how to in the first place, and everyone is gone because of the warnings, anyway.",not depression
dev_pid_2857,Does anyone have feelings of impending doom? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2858,"Feeling Terrible : I only have one friend in this life. I barely see him ever and we occasionally text short messages, here and there. Recently, he’s got sick and was going through pain. He told me that he thought of suicide a couple of days ago, which made me feel so terrible. He’s gotten a little better but not much. He’s seeking help from specialists now and I’m just so broken. When he texted the words of “suicide”, I felt completely crushed. He’s been talking very “final” with me and It’s making me bad. I care about him and he’s the only one I have. I know he will get through but still. All these weeks of cancelling plans to meet and barely speaking together comes to this? It’s just not fair how life goes. I am severely depressed and now, my friend is in need. I am here for him but I wish there was a way to know if it’s going to be OK. I guess this is just a venting posts. No one knows the answer but I just wanted this off my chest.",not depression
dev_pid_2859,Confirming the fact that I’m not good enough : So I sing a lot. I love singing and singing in general. I went to a psychiatrist on Thursday to get a mental health assessment (severe anxiety and depression disorders surprise surprise) and when the psychiatrist asked my dad what my good qualities were he said the only thing he could think of was that I had a good voice. Thanks dad for thinking I have no other good quality. For me my voice is the only thing I have. I don’t know if it’s good or not but I’ve been told it is. I try to be the best at singing because it’s the only thing I can do. So anyways on Friday I auditioned for a singing talent show sort of thing at my school and I was really hoping that I got in. But I didn’t. When I saw that I didn’t get in I cried so much because it showed me that I really wasn’t good enough. I know I’m being annoying and a drama queen about this. But singing is the only thing I have and now every time I sing all I can think about is how I can’t even succeed in the one thing I was sure I had a chance in.,not depression
dev_pid_2860,"One little thing brought back my empathy, my motivation, my emotions : I just got a beautiful boy kitten a few days ago and he means the absolutely world to me right now. I'm in the process of socializing him with our other kitties, but hes so cuddly and sweet that I cried yesterday out of love",not depression
dev_pid_2861,Coronavirus Advice : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2862,"what to do when you have nothing : got tired of playing with my yugioh cards and i've just been realy down lately.  
stores got closed because of the virus.  
and friends are too busy for me nowadays.what should i do?",not depression
dev_pid_2863,"do you hate the person you’re becoming? : i never thought i’d hit a new low.
today it hit me like a truck, i miss the old me, i miss being content with myself, i miss being my everything and not being blinded by shallowness, needing validation and approval from people who aren’t even close to me.  i miss when i used to have hobbies, doing art, reading, going to libraries, and journaling. i miss my biggest concern not being what people think of me or how i look, not caring about my reputation or my social status. i hate the person im becoming. i hate them so much. i want to not be this person anymore, but i dont know how to get myself out of this deep sh*t. i wish i could redo those past three years, i truly miss myself.",not depression
dev_pid_2864,"What is happening to me? : I hate everyone.
They hate me.
I pushed them all away.
What am I now?
How did I get here?
How?
What happened?
Why can't I speak anymore?",not depression
dev_pid_2865,I just need to get it out of my system : Lately it feels like nothing I do really matters. I broke up with my girlfriend after 1.5 years of which they last 2-3 months were not healthy anymore. I don't have anyone I can tell the whole story to because they all are connected to her in some way of another. Even the parts of my life that are going okay (school) don't feel rewarding anymore. I try to play games to take my mind off of it but I just get frustrated more and more. It's also hard to talk to new people because it's not easy to fake being happy if you're not. Sometimes it goes a bit better but after a while I just get down again if I start to overthink about smalle things. It is starting to affect my relationships with other people because I notice how some people just don't care if I show up to parties or not. Anyone has a piece of advice I could try to feel a bit happier again. Thanks already for reading this.,not depression
dev_pid_2866,"You Didn't Notice : Your voice was raised
Your mad eyes wide in an angry gaze.
And *you*, your jaw tightened,
And you made me frightened,
Too scared to say anything,
Too angry to stop this- this *thing*.
This animosity,
This unstoppable atrocity.
Neither of you noticed,
Neither of you cared,
When I quietly rose,
When I pushed in my chair.
I muttered an excuse
And ran to the bathroom.
Where I turned out the light,
And quivered in fright.
You didn't notice when I cried myself to sleep,
You didn't notice me silently dry heave,
You didn't notice me stop talking to you,
You didn't notice me forget how to chew.
You didn't notice me flinch to your touch,
You didn't notice me hit my head with my brush.
You didn't notice me count the sleeping pills,
You didn't notice the search history of mental ills.
You didn't notice the depressing songs,
You didn't ask me if you'd done something wrong.
You won't notice when I push back my plate,
You won't notice when I'm a little bit late,
And you won't notice that the pill bottle's gone
And you won't notice till I'm in my bed,
Cold and gone.",not depression
dev_pid_2867,"I might be extra weird for doing this but... : Does anyone else ever get even a little bit of peace from laying in bed and day dreaming (or night dreaming if it’s bed time) about the life or the moments in your life you wish you had? 
I’m going through a separation that is leading to a divorce. (It was a very unhappy marriage). So sometimes I’ll lay in bed and dream up what I think being in true love really is and feels like. I’ll think about the happy moments that I wish for myself. 
I guess it’s kind of similar to when you play out fake conversations in your head. 
I guess it’s a coping or grieving mechanism, but it does give me some peace. At least a little bit enough to be able to fall asleep some nights.",not depression
dev_pid_2868,"Things aren't going well for me at all. I just wish there was someone there to listen. : So...shit has been hitting the fan recently. It's just like one thing after another and it just keeps hitting me down over and over again. And it's starting to hurt and I'm not sure how long I can take this anymore.
As for stuff that's happened, well:
1) I \*almost\* had a date. I'm 21 years old, I have never been on a date on my life since I was homeschooled and very socially awkward. I've been using dating apps for two years with no luck until I matched with this girl a few weeks ago. We talked and chatted over the phone and things were looking well, we even had a date scheduled. But the day before, she messages me saying that she's not ready for a relationship.  I told her I understood, I didn't want to be a dick about it. But deep down...I felt pretty hurt. I was almost there, and the rug was pulled under from me. It felt like God's cruel joke. I'm not mad at the girl or anything because she's not obligated to date me (although I do wonder why she was on a dating app in the first place...?); but I will say it hurt a bit. We haven't spoken since.
2) My job. It fucking sucks. I'm a pizza delivery driver and I hate it. Customers are rude and the managers keep pressuring me to do everything faster. I'm autistic and I'm really not meant for this kind of work environment, but my parents charge me rent so I really need a job. They keep making me answer the phones even though they know how much social anxiety it gives me. I showed up late to work the other day and got a warning that next time I'll be written up and honestly...I don't care anymore. But I've realized I might be doing shitty jobs like this for the rest of my life, all this meaningless toil just so I can survive. It's so pointless. So fucking empty.
3) I had to cancel a film shoot for a movie I've been making. This is the third time I've had to cancel it and I've been working on this one scene for MONTHS. Why? Because of the fucking coronavirus. Everything fun is getting shut down. Except work. Of course I have to go to work. Filmmaking is one of the few things that I'm passionate about, that makes me feel alive. And of course that has to get shit on too.  
I feel like I'm about to explode any minute. There's just so much pent up grief and frustration and anxiety and depression inside of me. I don't know what to do. I've occasionally been thinking of suicide, or maybe just running away. I don't know how to talk to anyone because they'll worry about me.
I feel so alone.",not depression
dev_pid_2869,"I feel like my friend is only my friend out of pity : So I have this Friend who I guess I am really close with? She knows about my mental health and is always there for me and wants to hang out and asks me how Im doing. We also have the same humor and its always really fun with her.
But I still cant shake the feeling that its all ""fake"", and that she is only my friend because she knows how bad Im doing and that i dont have alot of friends.
She is also kinda out of my league, meaning that she is the type of person who easily makes friends and is a 10/10 and everybody wants to befriend her, so I just wonder why befriend me, when you can befriend litteraly **Anyone else?**
So i kinda always fight inside my head, wether my mental illnes is just saying that to me, or wether its legit. Because I dont want to be some fcking charity case for someone else. So the person can feel like theyve done their good deed of the day.",not depression
dev_pid_2870,"It's me again... : Something happened again
I don't want to explain. 
I dragged my girlfriend into it by ranting to her 
She hasn't responded
She's probably out with her friends, which is good. 
I love her 
Off topic, but I do. Even though I'm really young I love her.
Here's some transcripts of what I sent (if transcript is the right word) 
I'm deleting the messages as soon as I'm done 
She doesn't need to be apart of this 
Here's the texts:
(Girlfriend's name)
I hate this
Why is it always me 
I'm just a fucking kid 
I never wanted it 
I didn't stop it 
I probably wanted it 
I'm a fucking whore
I'm sorry 
Nothing happened though
It wasn't real 
I don't want it to be 
This is a dream
I hate my body 
My fucking whore body 
Why couldn't I have been a boy? 
Or even an ugly ass door shape
Why me 
I thought I was 
Safe 
I'm never safe though 
I don't want to live
I don't want to feel pain 
I don't want to deal with anything 
I want to sleep
Forever 
I sound edgy as fuck I'm sorry 
I'll leave you alone now 
*You don't need to deal with this*
I'm probably fucking faking anyways 
I barely even cried 
Why am I used to it 
Goodbye 
Actually not goodbye
I don't deserve this 
Do I?
What did I do before?? 
No one deserves this 
*I love you*
I wanna cut again 
There was a razor in the bathroom
I couldve 
I'm not gonna wear shorts anytime soon 
But someone needed to pee
I knew everything was going to good for me 
I never get happiness  
And it never stays 
No ones in the bathroom now 
I could get a shower 
Do it then 
But what would that do 
My pants would be bloody 
I don't have a way to clean it up 
And I'm probably to pussy to actually cut deep 
I fucking hate this
Sorry I'm spamming you  
I'm probably going to delete these messages
I just need to let this out 
*I love you alot*
*You're the reason I'm alive*
*I hope you're always here with me*
*Honestly*
*Please don't change*
And please don't think like this  
I fucking hate it 
I need to sleep 
It's not 
Hot 
I feel Cold though 
*I really love you*
I'm taking a nap 
I hope you don't see this 
I'm too tired to delete them all 
*I love you so much*
That's all the messages 
I just deleted them all, except for the stuff thats italic (or has astricks idek anymore)
Yeah
Something happened 
I might open up again, actually tell the story like the last post I made here 
It's not as bad 
But I still hate it 
Love you all, please, none of you change. You're someone's life <3",not depression
dev_pid_2871,Anyone else spend all of their savings this king it won't matter cause you were going to kill yourselves in a short amount of time? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2872,"A day in the life. : Imagine having to stifle a panic attack at dinner just because your sadness is 'too negative for the whole house' and 'is selfish because everyone else will be forced to feel sadness too'.
Imagine having to take all the jokes about how you're too boring to be around on an entire groupchat filled with other people and be expected to deal with it and work on yourself for being 'too introverted for them to handle'.
Imagine constantly daydreaming about falling in love and being loved only to hear people talk about how ugly you are behind your back.
Imagine going through every day of your life hiding in the crowd and yet never being able to fucking fit in for once. That's my life, and I'm sick of it. 
I 
Just
This
To
End.",not depression
dev_pid_2873,"Having to spend the next month alone terrifies me so much I can barely think : I'm scared, so this might be a bit rambley. And I know there are worse things that people are going through especially right now but I don't need that pointed out to me. 
I guess I'll start with some backstory. 
I'm 26, Irish, female, bartender, writer, sister, daughter, auntie, friend. Yesterday, my bar announced that it was closing for the next 'week' and the Taoiseach hasn't officially put us into lockdown yet but we will be by Tuesday apparently. Social gatherings were banned, public places were told to close and we're all obviously being told to stay the fuck indoors.
Not only am I worried about the fact that a pandemic the likes of which has never been seen in history is encapsulating the entire planet, or for the safety of my loved ones, friends and colleagues or the fact that I now have no job, no savings and no way to pay rent on the first, the thing that I am most afraid of losing is my sanity. 
I grew up in an extremely difficult household, my parents were verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. My dad was only ever there to hurt us or shout at us and my mother is an alcoholic. My older sister left the second she could and my older brother withdrew to avoid them so I was left to raise my little sister as best I could. 
I've had depression for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed after an overdose at 15 and psychiatrists have always told me that it seems I had depression since I was a young girl. I didn't even know that was possible. It's eaten every inch of my mind, my body and my life. 
It affects every single tiny little thing that I do - good or bad. I have trust issues, abandonment issues, self hatred, an eating disorder and a very bleak outlook on life in general. Or I should say I did. 
Last year was the worst year of my life by far, it all just seemed to come to a head and I grew so frustrated with it that a miracle happened. I had to do something to change it. 
Okay no, not a miracle. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 15 and I've been on antidepressants on and off the whole time too. Four years ago, I found my therapist Amy and it changed my life. I've been seeing her at least once a week since and I've been back on meds for the last three or so years too. I've made so much progress and worked so hard and gotten so far that this year, I felt happy and settled enough to come off my medication and even take a break from therapy! 
And I've been doing great! I'm literally a new person, if it comes up in conversation with people that I have met this year, they are shocked at my background and history with mental illness! It's incredible. 
Don't get me wrong. I have bad days and weeks still. The darkness is still and will always be there. It just so happens that for the first time in my life, there's light too! 
Sorry if this is too much, I just need to vent and I don't think I can even call Amy in the midst of this. 
So we come to yesterday. I usually live in the city with a couple that I'm not close with at all but they're not bad people, we just don't vibe. I was planning on staying with my parents this weekend anyway so I came after work on Friday. I had a good day yesterday, playing with my nephew and catching up with my family - we have a very strained relationship now and it's in no way healthy but to me, it's better than nothing and my two year old nephew is reason enough to try to build a relationship with them and he's the main reason I visit every few weeks. 
I'm sorry, I'll get to the point. 
My family say I should stay here while this all tides over but being in this house where my heartbreaking childhood happened is always difficult for more than a couple days. With our strained relationship, I spend a lot of time here alone to avoid them and when we are together, it's often at odds. I can still exercise here, I'll probably be able to see friends and it'll be easier to see the guy I'm seeing if we can at all. 
My other option is to go back to my apartment in the city where I will be stuck with my housemates, which I also find very socially awkward and I'd probably spend the whole time in my room or on the balcony, alone. I don't know if I'll be allowed out of the apartment to exercise if lockdown comes and there's no space at all to exercise inside. It will be very unlikely to see friends there too. 
Everyone is delighted with two/four weeks to sit at home getting fat and watching TV but me? It's my worst nightmare. I usually work 60+ hours a week, go to the gym four days a week and meet friends every single day. I stay out of the house as much as I possibly can because even though I enjoy spending 2/3 hours every day on my own smoking and watching YouTube or writing, I can't spend long periods of time at home or alone. 
I'm afraid I'll be a shell of a human being either way at the end of the month and it hurts so much to know I'll have to backtrack on a lot of the work I've done already. 
I hate this, I hate all of it and I'm sorry to be complaining about something that seems insignificant compared to everything that is happening but my mind is the only thing I have ever had and my happiness is something I worked very long and hard for - and I simply can't lose it.",not depression
dev_pid_2874,"I hate the realization of knowing that you are really alone : I know many people feel lonely, left behind or forgotten and from time to time I think so too. I will feel very lonely then, think about all the years I was left completely alone to deal with all my inner demons and how I was the one who had told me to hold on for the people I love. But sometimes, like right now, the real realization of how alone I really am, hits me and it's so painful. I have a hard time crying but those are the moments where I feel the tears. I don't know how to describe it. This feeling of realizing that you are completely left alone and always have been. That no one knows how you've been feeling for all this years and it breaks my heart so much. I don't know what I want or expect from other people because everytime someone gets close to me, I push them away. I am just tired of feeling so much pain and sadness. Will this ever end? Like really, will this ever have an end? I don't want sadness to be my way of living anymore. It is so tiring and my heart is just breaking over and over and over. I don't know if anyone really understands how desperate I am right now, to find anything to hold onto. I don't know what to do anymore.",not depression
dev_pid_2875,"[NSFW] : [NSFW] Something happened again
Here's the texts (tw for c*tting and su*c*de)
I'm never safe though
Why am I used to it
I wanna cut again
No ones in the bathroom now
I could get a shower
My pants would be bloody
I need to sleep
It's not
I feel Cold though
Love you all, please, none of you change. You're someone's life <3",not depression
dev_pid_2876,Can't blame anyone for not caring about me when I don't even care about myself : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2877,"Partner is being told to kill herself. : I'm going to boil it right down for ease, my partner has started getting voices in her head that's she describes as a Seperate thing telling her she's worthless and to hurt or kill herself. She's had depression but I feel this is something else. This this that's trying to control her she says she gets flashes from and what she's told me shows her images of her hanging from trees and knives ect those kind of things. She nearly did 2 things this weekend. Jump from an edge, and jump in front of a bus. She knows she doesn't want to do it and she wants to be happy but this thing is really taking over when it happens. 
I'm absolutely terrified. We have a 2 year old daughter, I don't know what to do. I'm scared the services here are way to slow for this. Any advice would be amazing.",not depression
dev_pid_2878,"Does anyone else also make jokes about their depression, hoping for someone to take you seriously one day? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2879,I actually left this sub for a while because my life was going pretty good for a little bit : But now some shitty thing happened and now I’m back,not depression
dev_pid_2880,"How much of my depression is simply a lack of aptitude? : The science I've seen indicates that there is a large degree of heritability for various traits that are the basis of success such as: intelligence, conscientiousness, sociability etc.   
It can only follow that some people are just dealt a bad hand, so to speak.   
I sometimes wonder: perhaps my lack of energy at times is just my own internal calculation that I don't really have the aptitude to get the life I want?",not depression
dev_pid_2881,"Dreams suck : I hate it when it happens. I just randomly have a dream where everything goes good and I spend wholesome time with my crush, and when I wake up I feel shit",not depression
dev_pid_2882,"Know what sucks the most? : Reading about couples getting together and falling in love, and knowing you'll never be in their shoes. Seeing people around you look their best without even trying to, and knowing you'll never look as flawless or as easy on the eyes. Listening to disgustingly happy people sharing their positive thoughts, and being forced to shut up before you spill all the bitterness and hatred you're holding inside of you.",not depression
dev_pid_2883,"Distance : I noticed that I started distancing myself from people and I don't want that, I want to feel and I want people in my life, close people. I'm kinda lost",not depression
dev_pid_2884,"Last few days have been strange : So, the first thing that was kind of a positive, was seeing this girl i like from work, who i spent the morning with on valentines day (we went for lunch) shopping in the store we work at with her now ex, ex boyfriend after her shift finished. It was certainly overwhelming seeing them together and a punch in the gut. But i realised i need to improve myself. Im not happy with myself, im not the best version of myself and so i need to work on improving myself. Maybe people will be interested in me then. It gave me the motivation to go back to the gym. Ive been 2 days in a row and am going to continue. 
I went almost everyday for 2 years straight when i was 16, 17 and was quite built. Depression ruined that. So i decided 2 days ago I want to do a steroid cycle. It may seem like an extreme idea, and my lifestyle recently is not one of someoe who should be doing roids. But i think the only way i will stay dedicated and eat well and train hard is if i have them ready as an option. Ie i buy what i need and prepare the cycle. But i workout and diet for a month straight without fail, knowing the steroids are on the table. Then i do a 6 week cycle eating clean and training well and sleeping more. I know people on here will tell me not to but it has to happen. You can give me pros and cons if you like, but dont say 'dont do that'.
So another thing that happened was i recehed out to school friend who i havent heard from since school 4 years ago. It was his bday the other day so i said hb on fb and sent him a message yesterday asking how his bday was. We started chatting, he told me hes had depression because one of his best mates who he was living with at uni hung himself. Sounds like it messed him up a lot, understandably. We used to have good times, and i considered him one of my best friends. I wish we hadnt lost touch. And we have to make up for lost time. It made my week for sure hearing from him again besides hearing what hes been through. We're arranging to meet up sometime soon and smoke some bud and have a laugh which i look forward to a lot. 
Im also wanting to start boxing but my social anxiety stopped me. I cant do things like that myself, meeting new people and stuff. But i chose my first ring walk song 'kalinka' or just the instrumental coz the lyrics are shite lbh. Now i just need to start going. My heart is there i love boxing and fighting. But my mind says nah i can go to some club and meet a load of new people all at once and where potentially all of them can beat my ass. Like im sure theyll be other beginners but that doesnt stop the anxiety. Someone give me some encouraging words.",not depression
dev_pid_2885,I hope COVID19 kills me. : I just prayed to God to please let me die because I can’t do it myself. I hate myself so much. There’s no hope for me so I’m gonna try to go out of my way to get myself infected. My 21 years on this Earth have been absolute shit. Fuck this country.,not depression
dev_pid_2886,"I (29F) am a crying babbling mess. Life does not seem to be getting any better. : This time last year my (29F) life was so different. Although I was 30lbs heavier than I am now & really anxious about my job, I was doing well there/in my career, made good money, was headed on vacation to the beach, in a couple of weeks and started hanging out with someone who (I thought) liked me. 
Fast forward to now: I was fired from that job, then I got another job which I was laid off from in December because they got rid of my whole department (still looking for work), still have never had a serious relationship or someone that just wanted to be with me and wasn’t shy about it and had no ulterior motives, and I am beyond sad and cry every day. I’m crying writing this. I want to feel better, to stop comparing my life to others and not constantly hate myself and feel so fucking lonely that I go on apps to talk to people just to make the day go by, but I can’t. It frustrates me and I feel so dumb. 
Dating: it has been so awful for me. I know that having a partner won’t bring me the happiness I need on my own, I need to focus on myself, my time will come, but I HATE HATE HATE hearing that shit. I have been focusing on myself for the last 29.25 years, and I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to date and have a partner to share my life with. And I also hate when someone says but you’re so pretty smart and kind and alluring, you’ll find someone! You don’t know that!!!!!!
I have been noticeably different towards my friends. I decided to open up to one of them and now that I have, I really wish I had just gone with the “I’m fine” response. She is trying to help and I know that I am difficult to even have a conversation with right now. She said if I needed distance then she would give it, but it feels selfish to do that, so I continue to say it’s fine to continue talking. But it hurts to hear about hers (or the other people in my life) increase in pay at her job, her new guy she is seeing, how her life is going so well, when mine is utter and complete shit. And all I can do is compare and it leads to more crying. She says she wants to help me get out of the funk I’m in and that I have every right to feel how I feel but I need to be more positive. I love her and thank her for want to help, but I hate hearing that. Which then leads me back to thinking maybe I should just distance myself. We’ve argued a bit lately. And I know it’s because of me. I’ve become too attached (we talk throughout the day, every day) & I get more anxious when I don’t hear from her. I tried being vulnerable this afternoon and I still haven’t heard from her. But I am resisting sending another text. I absolutely hate how much things like this I s affect my happiness. I wish I wasn’t such a shit person and friend. 
People always suggest gym and eating better as ways to cope. Well the thing is is that I already go to the gym 6 times a week (sometimes daily). There around 90 min to 2 hours. During that time is the only time I am confident, happy, and determined in myself. I feel strong, capable, and on top of the world. But as soon as I leave, it’s back to shit. But if I did not have the gym, I do not know how even darker and more depressed I would feel. Also (I live at home with my parents and sister right now) I haven’t eaten more than one small meal a day really in the past 4 days. I’ve been able to hide it from them. Not that I am trying to starve myself, but when I get really sad nowadays it I think I disappoint my friend or my family, I don’t eat.  
Due to not working and not really having money, I don’t go anywhere. Which leads to minimal social interaction. I did not realize that it would affect me so much. But it really has. On the off chance I talk to someone at the gym, that makes my week because that is usually the only interaction I get. I go to my favorite local bar every so often and it helps just to be somewhere different. But I feel guilty spending a little money on two drinks and to socialize.
I do the the things that they say most people who are depressed usually don’t do: I clean, make meals for myself, shower daily, go to the gym. So then I think to myself,”maybe I’m not depressed? Maybe I’m making this up and it isn’t legitimate. 
And job: I’ve applied, but honestly I have been hesitant to apply to a lot of jobs because I just don’t feel smart enough or capable enough at all. I have colleagues in my field who say I am young, smart and capable. But it doesn’t feel that way given my recent job history. 
How are you? My honest answer for the last 3 1/2 months: I am tired I am lonely and I’m stupid and I hate myself.",not depression
dev_pid_2887,"Family is calling me rude. I just don’t have the energy. Plus slight rant. : I’ve been at my grandparents place for a few weeks. (Don’t plan to be here long, currently finding another place to rent) Since I’ve been back, I’ve had many triggers. While away(7+ years), I took meds, went to a counselor and volunteered with animals when I knew I was coming down with an episode. Some days were worst than others but for the most part, I sort of had it handled. Now, I have NOTHING that I had. Most days are bad. 
There’s family that’s come from out of town. Honestly, I’m just not in a social mood. My grandparents told them I was in the room so they knocked. I went out to speak and came back in the room. Now, I have a cousin bothering me in the room telling me “No ones seen each other in years. You should be out here with everybody, you’re being rude.” I didn’t ask anyone to come. Had my car been out the shop, I would’ve left before they even got here so me speaking IS me being nice to them at the moment. There’s more people coming over and it’s bothering me. I feel me being rude is being out there and not speaking. I’m not trying to spread my energy. I’m really annoyed. My family doesn’t take mental health serious so I’m almost always the rude or mad one. I’m over it.
This is why I dreaded coming back here. I hate that I let myself get to a point so bad in life that I had to come back. I found some truths about my mom’s death last year and it hit me to the core. That took a toll on my mental and drive. It’s frustrating me more the same people who tried to hide truths(because someone they love is/was involved) are the same people who’s making me seem foolish for feeling the way I feel. I have the same feeling I had before I moved away, it’s just more intense now. 
My grandpa makes me feel worthless, I’m only 24. He has kids over 40 and still solely dependent on him but treats them completely different. Treats me like shit because of my “attitude” told me he wish he had never taken guardianship of me(before I moved) and recently repeated it since I’ve been back. Told me I deserved it. Looks right over his children flaws, one of his loving kids is the reason behind my mom being dead today. He treats them like royalty. I don’t get it.",not depression
dev_pid_2888,I dont want to feel lonely anymore :( : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2889,"Corona has me quarantined, any ideas? : Although going to school is very difficult for me (it's difficult to get out of bed, I get regular anxiety attacks due to triggers, and it's just overall stressful) it still kept me from sitting at home and going into a deeper episode or worse self harming. Now my school is closed until April 20th and I'm not really allowed to leave the house. Any ideas to help me from losing my mind or simply feeling gross and alone? Im open to some music suggestions, craft ideas, anything to distract me please.",not depression
dev_pid_2890,"One of those nights : I'm 24 M, and this is another of those bad nights.
I really don't know what to say, I just needed to express something somewhere.
I suppose this is a place where everyone can feel safe enough to just.. lay down your stuff
I'm sad, I'm tired of not beeing able to make the girl i've been 10 years in love with finally takes the step to try a relationship with me.
I feel stupid and the life feels cruel and scary, a game you just can't win.
I want to cry, and to be strong enough so I don't have to cry.
I just wished this night wasn't  one of those nights.
Sorry for my english, I'm not a native speaker",not depression
dev_pid_2891,"I'm afraid of this COVID-19 outbreak. : For some context, I'm an international college student studying in America. To be clear, I'm not actually afraid of the virus itself, but I'm afraid of being isolated for too long. A few days ago, I was really hurt by a relationship problem (the full story is on my profile if you're interested) and I haven't had the time to recover from this. Truth be told, this is the second time in a few months and I thought I had learned from the first time, but I suppose not. This has affected my mood negatively for the past few days or so. My Spring Break is extended for another week starting tomorrow, and it seems like the rest of my semester will be done online, every college event has been canceled. Bars and restaurants where I live are shutting down from today onwards.   
I think it is fair to say that I won't have much contact with people for quite a long time. It's quite ironic, a few months ago, people in my main friend group envied me for going out with so many other folks. If you told me that this would be happening to me a few months ago, I would have laughed in your face. I guess I'm writing this part to contrast my experience and let you guys know how much I've fallen. I have isolated myself here and there over the years, but nothing like this before and I'll be honest, it frightens me.   
I think it would be nice to read some of your similar experiences if there are any, I always think I can extract useful insight from people who have gone/are going through a similar experience. I'll try my best to help any of you if I can if you're going through something resembling this.",not depression
dev_pid_2892,"Hey so I dont know how to say this exactly. But I moved half way across the world and I feel so alone. : So essentially about 6 months or so back I moved from india to usa. I'm in a midwest state. I moved cause I got a green card and everyone told me not to give that up. I got my first job (fresh outta college) and I moved. My parents are back home, all my friends are back, the person i love is also back home. I feel alone most of the time. I spent today evening crying thinking what did i do to end up here and be in this situation.
 Also to add to this, my family back home is really going through financial hardship (indian economy is screwed and the middle class - upper middle to lower middle took the worst hit). I dont want to tell my parents anything cause they themselves have way too much to deal with. Also I think pretty soon they're gonna loose the house I spent 22 years of my life in.
 I dont know what to do. I feel so trapped. All I do is run my body on autopilot and just do the minimal to exist and do my job. I want to take steps go gain more skills and improve my situation but all I do is fucking cry and feel like shit. 
These feelings peaked today. I was mainly suppressing these feelings so that I could function but I couldn't today. Nothing really triggered it. All I did was take a nap and wake up crying. I usually wake up feeling fucked up.
Sometimes I go to sleep hopin I wouldn't wake up. Or wake up back home and this is all an emotional nightmare. 
I think I surely missed out on some other details but I hope this paints a picture of my situation. 
Any advice on this would be appreciated. 
Thank you for reading! Hope everyone gets through whatever they're going through.",not depression
dev_pid_2893,If I could go the rest of my life without talking or being seen by a single soul except for my brother I would be fully contempt and happy with that : I can't wait to move out of the city,not depression
dev_pid_2894,"Ideas to help our mental health and wellbeing : We all know about the benefits of exercise, eating well, finding a medication that helps, mindfulness, therapy etc
Does anyone have other coping mechanisms that seem to help them in certain situations? 
I'm also interested in hearing ideas you have that could help people, that perhaps you haven't yet tried. For example at University I was unable to access a counsellor, so I wanted to start a mental health discussion group for people to meet up and to help support each other.",not depression
dev_pid_2895,"Love hurts : Ever liked someone that didn’t like you back. Pair that up with intense jealousy and now I’m sad. Been three days, still sad. I hope this doesn’t last any longer. Tips?",not depression
dev_pid_2896,"All of my problems would be solved if I wasn’t ugly and short : I have always never been attractive, strong, popular or any relating characteristics. I always have been that nerd kid who never had any real friends, never was someone who other people knew, and never was anyone’s best friend. I would see all of my other “acquaintances” have conversations that aren’t 1 sided with other people and relationships with people. I would have many different crushes on people that were in my classes and I never was able to get them to talk to me. I feel as if, if I was not ugly, short, or fat, people would respect me and have conversations with me. People will try to deny this but it’s true, people will talk more and respond to texts faster and be more friendly with people that are attractive vs people who aren’t that attractive. If only I could become attractive maybe I could get a girlfriend. Even more, maybe my friends would actually want to make plans with me and maybe they would respond to my text messages. The only thing that gives me small feelings of happiness is playing video games and seeing people upvote my shit on reddit. My life has no meaning, to anyone. My parents and I have a strained relationship. They always yell at me for dumb shit and I for some reason still love and hate them. If only I was attractive, I wouldn’t be depressed. I lost a genetic lottery and i’m paying for it in my sanity. I want to fucking kill myself but I don’t have the guts to do that.",not depression
dev_pid_2897,when people ask me what i want to be when im older : remebered. all i want is to be remembered.,not depression
dev_pid_2898,"I've only ever had one female friend in high school, I feel like most females don't like introverts. : I'm a 23 year old muslim-pakistani dude born and raised in America. For as long as I can remember, I've only had one true female friend who would actually care about me, invite me to stuff, etc and that was in high school. 
I would usually have been quite confident and in my own life but suddenly this year I've got this depressive feeling like everyone is fake, no one cares. I talk to females and they only enjoy small talk, before I can even say anything they friend-zone me.
I hear all the time about hookup culture, my friend came on to me ""what are we?"", texting buddies, etc. 
how do you even? am I supposed to be this confident guy and just approach women randomly in the mall and be like ""hey, I think you're attractive, let's drink!"" 
I feel like offing myself and sometimes I just feel like finding an escort because at least I could say that I've gotten laid and in a way that'll boost my confidence and I could learn a thing or two.",not depression
dev_pid_2899,"All the virus stuff is low-key the most exciting thing that's happened in a long time : For how painfully dull all my days seemed, there's suddenly this twist on things - quarantine, avoiding others, no leisure, etc. Like I'm one in those dreams again where you're in a completely different scenario from your current life and things are actually interesting again, y'know?
At the same time, I don't think I'd mind if this fucking plague takes me. Of course there's nothing actually good about it. It will suck ass. Probably more than my previous years. There's literally nothing to be looking forward to. 
My dog doesn't look like he's got long left, the only light that would keep me company while I'd sob in a corner, and the only thought spinning in my head is just how much I regret wasting the last five miserable years in university when there's the slightest chance I could've had a better time had I taken a different path. Probably not, I'm sure my issues are deeper than that, but just what if? It's hard to imagine it being much worse. Now the life we're used to could very well be ending and if I die tomorrow the most I can say is that I've peaked at 6.
""Oh but so much to live for!"" I know realistically this will probably pass and I've got a long life to live, but what for? The only guarantee is loss - people, places, anything that brings some happiness. I know it's on me to make the positives happen, that it won't just come magically, but how? How do people find things to counteract all the lows? I mean I've got some hobbies, some friends I hang out with, stuff I do on free time, but none of it seems in any way worth it compared to all the times I'm feeling like shit. More often than not I feel like I'm just doing it all to detach myself from reality and not because I actually enjoy it.
I hoped to take a year off studies and take some time to figure things out but man it looks like this is going to be the year that completely breaks me instead. Happy almost birthday to me.",not depression
dev_pid_2900,Some people don't get better : Like me.  Try and tackle this as early as possible guys.,not depression
dev_pid_2901,Anyone else always self isolate even before the virus? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2902,Am I the only one who leaves dirty underwear around..? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2903,"How do I stop being a little bitch about things : I moved about 3 miles away from my old house which bummed me out because I couldn't walk to my friends anymore and I couldn't get out if the house as often. It's a different house not a different state tho, how do I stop being a little bitch",not depression
dev_pid_2904,"Vent : Good day. I just thought I'd vent here to see if it'd even remotely help.
I've been dealing with depression for over half a year now. It started when my grandmother's health began to rapidly deteriorate because of cancer. She passed away exactly half a year ago. It broke my heart - she was a second mother to me. Raised me, was always at my side during the most important events of my life and would never stop being proud of me. A month and a half later, I lost an equally important person (my first romantic partner) because of sins of a sexual nature. We made a promise to abstain from such themes, but kept failing and I'm the one to take most of the blame for it. They've cut all communication save for a few, very minor interactions. I even lost all of my friends, save for a couple of them, in the span of a week. 
As it stands, I'm deeply depressed and don't seem to be making much, if any, progress. I used to try to be as devoted a Christian as I could, but I've even let go of my faith. I have an immense amount of hate inside of me. Hate towards myself for not being able to overcome this sadness, even when I'm going to a psychiatrist. For making my parents (who are aware of this situation) and the few friends I have left worried. For all the mistakes I made and keep making. Hate towards the fact that my grandmother had to leave us. I don't even know if I hate the person I broke up with or the fact that they left me in such an apparently easy way in a couple of moments. Hell, I know for a fact that they've been better off since the breakup. Hate towards sadness itself. Nowadays, most of the things I feel are either sadness, anger or guilt. The worst part is, I've convinced myself that I deserve this, that I shouldn't be happy, that I should remain depressed, so on and so forth. 
My parents keep saying that I'll have a bright future, or that I'll grow up to be a good person. It's the same thing my grandmother and ex used to say. I feel as though it makes things worse. I try to be sympathetic and understanding towards everyone else, but I can't do so the same effect as before given all of my problems. I also try to pull myself together for the sake of my parents and younger brother, but I never succeed. I wish they'd let me die. 
The combination of being tossed aside, losing my friends and more has made me feel worthless. I'm an incredibly miserable conglomerate of depression, hate and guilt and I can't see things getting any better. I sincerely believe myself to be a lost cause, and that the best, most straightforward solution to this whole predicament is to end it all. I could shoot myself, overdose on any pills I find, jump in the middle of the road... the list goes on.
I'm impossibly tired all the time. I've lost interest in stuff I used to like. I don't even feel like I'm living. Come to think of it, I can't find a point or reason behind writing this. It didn't even make me feel any better.
Sorry if this made you worried. I wish you the best.",not depression
dev_pid_2905,Anyone need help : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2906,My silent sleep : God have mercy on my soul. I can’t deal with the struggle anymore.,not depression
dev_pid_2907,I just need a friend : I havent had a friend in 3 years and i feel alone you know it would be nice to have someone to talk to and play games with i think that would help at least a little you know,not depression
dev_pid_2908,"I’m becoming spiteful : Idk why I am just beginning to realize that my friends aren’t good people, I am depressed when I think about because what if I am accusing them but I don’t feel included by them, I also know shouldn’t feel mad about it and that she deserves happiness but my ex keeps telling me how happy she is with my friend and I think it is just me being insecure I just want to feel happy and sometimes hanging out with them doesn’t bring me that joy, I want to be friends with them but I don’t know man",not depression
dev_pid_2909,why should i continue living when i have no good reason to? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2910,Gordon Ramseys Anger : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2911,Why does nostalgia make me more depressed? : Whenever I think about being a kid it always makes me really depressed and having depression it just makes it so unbearable.,not depression
dev_pid_2912,Somebody wanna listen and talk? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2913,Ah The Night Shift : We have a love hate relationship. I have time to my self but that is dangerous. Anyone else?,not depression
dev_pid_2914,Celexa : How has Celexa been for everyone when it comes to the sexual side effects? I'm in a new relationship and the last thing I want is to have problems in the bedroom at 40 years old.,not depression
dev_pid_2915,Does anyone else struggle with figuring out their depression? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2916,"i have no one else to talk to so here it goes : i enjoy nothing. negative thoughts run through my head all day everyday. i used to watch tv to drown out the voices but that doesn’t work anymore. no one likes me and no one cares about me. i’m ugly as shit. i cry for hours everyday, including while i’m at school. i just feel like there’s no hope. nothings ever going to get better. i’ve already been going to therapy and been on meds for 5 years with only a decline in my mental health to show for it. there’s no way out. i feel like i should just end it. why not right? it’s not like i’ll be missed. the only reason i haven’t yet is bc i know it would destroy my mom, but i don’t know how much longer that will be able to keep me from doing it.",not depression
dev_pid_2917,My heart feels so heavy right now. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2918,"My little journal : So at the end of last year at a party, I was a little drunk and feeling incredibly depressed. I opened my phone and went into my notes app.
I typed in the date and time followed by some awful words about myself, I dont know why I did it or why I thought I had to write down what I was feeling. Perhaps I wrote what I wrote because I couldnt and still cant tell anyone how I'm feeling.
To date I have seven additional notes, all locked so nobody but me can view them and all written when I feel the worst. These notes range from months to sometimes just hours apart
I've begun starting each note with a ""I hate myself"" then detailing exactly why I hate myself and anything else self deprecating that I am thinking about in the moment. I've considered suicide seriously at this point about a handful of times but I know I wont attempt it because I'm too much of a coward.
What's so surreal about my situation is that I think I have a unique outlook on it, I know what I should do to fix my issues but I just cant get myself to cooperate.
When I'm out with friends I'm so good at masking my feelings that nobody knows, I just sit there participating as if nothing is wrong but in my head I'm dragging myself through the mud. If someone asks me how I'm doing I respond with a bright smile and a ""yeah I'm doing great and yourself"" but on the inside I'm just crying.
At the end of this, I question why I've decided to waste someone's time reading my pointless post. I hope you all find the true happiness in your lives, this is something I wish noone had to experience. I hate myself more and more each day.",not depression
dev_pid_2919,"Just a messy rant : It's been years since I've been depressed,  but so much has been going on and it just set it off. It's been months and it's the worst I've ever experienced.  My head feels so clouded, has it been weeks or months? I feel like the thoughts in my head are rocks,  I'm being weighed down and I cant keep myself above the water. It's never been easy for me to open up and share but the feeling that my heart is being pulled apart and ripped is physically painful and excruciating, maybe it's just a heart attack.  I thought I had good friends but when I reached out to them for help the only thing I got was a notice that they saw my message with no response at all. It's funny how much you can bend over backwards for the people you love for them to leave you like that. I think I love people more than they'll ever love me back. Maybe I just have shit taste in friends. Maybe it's selfish of me to expect them to help when they have their own lives idk. The only thing I know is how terrible I feel and how bad I want it to stop.",not depression
dev_pid_2920,"I don’t even have the energy to kms : Lmao. So yeah, this is great /s",not depression
dev_pid_2921,"What am I doing? : Quick note, I made this throwaway to write this, that’s why I don’t have any karma. There are also many mentions of self harm in here.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
I’m 13F and I’ve been happy my whole life. My parents are great people, I love my brother with all my heart, I have amazing friends who support me every day.
Yet somehow, for some reason completely beyond me, I feel so alone. Yes, I have my friends outside of my school, but I look around and see all these people at school who seem to know and want to talk to everyone but me. I go to school for 7 hours every day and it’s 7 hours of hell. 5 out of 7 days a week. I want people to talk to me. I wish people would just notice me for once. Every morning I have no motivation to wake up and get through the day. It’s made me stop doing my schoolwork among other things.
A few weeks ago, I thought about cutting myself. I don’t know why, but it seemed like such a good idea at the time. I just thought it would fix everything. So I tried. I took a pair of scissors to my wrist. They weren’t sharp enough. So the feeling went away. I told my friend. She didn’t know how to react. I told my mom. She freaked out and told my dad. He freaked out and told my brother. They all freaked out and told my therapist.
Therapy has been helping, but I still get so many urges to cut. It started off as a suggestion my brain was making, but now it feels like I have to. I have to cut my pain away. It feels like the only way to stop the emotional pain I’m feeling is to cut it out. My brain keeps telling me I have to, I have to cut, I have to cut my pain away. I have some friends on speed dial who are always happy to help when I freak out like that, but the urges get stronger every time. The last time I tried was with an earring, and for some reason my brain was telling me it was a terrible idea to call my friend, that I would just be a burden to them. Thankfully I resisted the urge.
It’s gotten to the point where every time I touch anything remotely sharp, I can only think about cutting. I don’t have anything sharp in my room. My parents insist on cutting my food for me.
Someone, anyone, please tell me. What the hell am I doing and how do I stop? I so badly want to,  but I just can’t. This temptation scares me, yet it seems like it’s my only option. I’m so terrified it’s gonna get so bad that I’ll start cutting for real, and then one day I’ll cut my entire life away.",not depression
dev_pid_2922,Did coronavirus conveniently line up with anyone’s plans to actually go out in public and socialize or is it just me? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2923,Sometimes I feel the need to socialize but then I remember a bad social interaction and just isolate myself again : It pops up in my mind and just remembers me how bad I am in socializing,not depression
dev_pid_2924,"I genuinely feel like I would be okay alone, dealing with people is honestly making me more depressed than I was during a few months of loneliness : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2925,Does anybody have any experience with stopping the use of SNRIs? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2926,"Everyday I try, and everyday I fail. : We are told to keep believing and persevere through the struggle. I just don't understand why everything is so bad. I believe that I'm honest with myself and do my best to 'roll with the punches' but it just feels as I'm going absolutely nowhere.
I try to keep a positive mindset, but I'm not getting results, nothing is getting better. 
I just feel like I'm lying to myself and that this pain is my destiny.",not depression
dev_pid_2927,"Empty words : I am told every time I meet someone somewhere along the lines of ""You're so fun to hangout with."" ""We should get together soon."". I wait for an invitation to something and nothing happens. I reach out after a while and nobody responds. I hate my actual friends and they hate me and I'm just turning into a fucking idiot druggy. Even though I use everything responsibly the only thing people call on me for is my knowledge on drugs and where to get them. I haven't genuinely been outside in several months without practically attaching myself to someones plans. I have told people this and nobody has done anything about it. I fucking hate this so much.",not depression
dev_pid_2928,"Struggling with being down & sad : How do I get out of this mood I’ve been in for over a week now? I have low energy levels, unmotivated, suicidal thoughts, and am sleeping & drinking more than I normally do.",not depression
dev_pid_2929,How to cope with nostalgia : I don’t really feel depressed or what to hurt myself or anything like that.  I just feel like I fucked up in the past.  Like I left business unfinished where I was several years ago and I miss it and wish I could fix it but I can’t and I never will be able to.  I gotta figure out how to focus on the future and now not the past.  Normally I wouldn’t be asking this but I’ve been feeling like this the past 2 days and I need to move on somehow,not depression
dev_pid_2930,"Why don't I care? : I just want to know why its impossible for me to feel anything about others. Its just that I can't give two fucks about them. I like to be the person that they rant to to feel better but overall I see their problems as illogical and easily fixable but my answers come off as harsh so I just don't say it. 
It's not like I'm not human and don't have emotions. I have happiness, sadness, anger and frustration. The only thing I feel bad about is not feeling bad. 
One time a friend of mine relayed information about her life and it was some sad shit. I'm talking about long story about her friends and family being killed and I just couldn't care about it. I've had family of my own die and when i went to wakes and funerals it felt like they were strangers to me even though I've known them and bonded with them my whole life
To really figure out what's going on I often think of my brothers and mother dying to see it any emotion will come from it and... nothing.
The only thing that ever makes me feel some type of way is when there is a lack of logic when approaching a situation or when someone's actions affect me negatively. Anything else brings no form of emotion to me
What made me come to this sub to ask is this. During this coronavirus shitshow. My aunt learned my college in new york is closed due to the outbreak. It was somewhat near my area so her response was she drove from her state (which has cases) to my college (also cases) picked up me and my cousins, took me home to long island (where we also have cases) where my mom and brothers dad are heavy smokers, and drove my cousins back home to DC (heavy lack of brain cells). 
while here in only one day I gave my mother roughly 60 dollars and my brother 15 to get to work. I do not work. That was money I saved during college that I should've lied about having. Now I'm back home for the month and thinking about just taking the train back to my college because I was safer there than home
That's pretty much all that I care about. I can't mister up any reason to care about anything else. Maybe I was just overstimulated as a kid through experiences that new shit doesn't phase me unless it hurts me... I don't know I hope someone here reads this and can help me understand",not depression
dev_pid_2931,Yep! : I’m tired and I’m not okay.   That feels so good just letting it out. I don’t want to scare anyone that loves me.   This too shall pass.  For now I’m just wanting to sleep it out.,not depression
dev_pid_2932,"My friends gone forever, and now I'm all alone . : I'll never have that again, cause it wasn't me, it was her. I destroy, and shatter and sicken, I scare people away from me. And she, she, was just so caring and unconditionally compassionate as to be a friend to someone as broken as me. And I told her, I told her I didn't understand her because such kindness, and lack of judgement, it was fundamentally not human. So now I am alone. Forever more.
And it hurts, in her as much as it did when I was 8, it took me 10 years to get used to it the first time round. I was doing better. And then life throws me this as penance, as if I wasn't suffering enough.
Most people don't get it, but friendship hurts, caring hurts, feeling hurts. Not the bad stuff that's fine, the good stuff, because it reminds you of all the bad, reminds you how alone you are, reminds you what you still have to lose, reminds you you're still alive.",not depression
dev_pid_2933,There’s this girl... : And I can’t get over her... she’s not just any girl; not to me at least. She means aloof. She is a lot. See after two years of forsure a weird ass relationship I fell in love with Erin. I honestly didn’t even intend on that to happen. It took two years for me to actually even get that idea. We didn’t have the closest relationship but it was close enough for me to become attached at one point. Not even that but she’s truly admirable and someone to look up to as a beautiful human being. Of course she’s quite gorgeous but that’s besides the point. I really hate myself for not being good enough. Obviously if I was good enough things would be different but I just wasn’t enough in someway or another... possibly and quite certainly more. Idk what to do with myself. I haven’t been able to actually. It’s been over two years. I’m in pain I’ve been in pain I’m making little to no actual progress.... I don’t think I ever will. This event has ruined my life. It’s hurt me enough to hinder me in every way. It’s not her fault at all. I’m the reason I’m not good enough for her wherever the reason(s) it’s all my fault. Fuck me... I hate being a live,not depression
dev_pid_2934,"Overwhelmed and Need advice : It's my birthday. I'm feeling really down. I'm not doing anything at all. I got out of a 7- year relationship recently, someone I spent every second with and had planned to marry. I loved him and we were best friends. He would become abusive, it wasn't a lot but it was enough for me to know it would continue. It was really hard to leave and we both cried a lot but now he is dating a new girl. Apparently I'm very sensitive and an idiot because this hurts me to see in spite of everything. My friends in the area moved away long ago. So I'm all alone. 
I had to pay off a massive medical bill, and now have no money for rent that's due tomorrow. On top of it, I've been putting off dental work for 8 months because they quoted me $1950 with insurance and I keep thinking there will be a time when I have that kind of extra money. I used to have a great salary. I lost my job and now everything is piling up. I want to start a business and I know I'd be successful but I cannot get a loan because I'm still building my credit.
There's so much stress. I'm going to lose the place I've rented and made into a home the past 6 years. 
Now my work just sent us an email that we won't be going in for at least two weeks because of the coronavirus. I know they have the funds to pay us, but they are saying this is our ""unpaid vacation"" where we can recuperate. 
I am so happy for workers that are having their wages covered during this time, but I wish more businesses would do this. On the other hand I get that it makes sense that if they aren't earning money, they can't pay it. 
I honestly have no where to go and don't know what to do. If I could get a loan of some kind, I would pay it back x 10 in the future. I have an amazing business plan and if I could breathe for a second I could make it great. Unfortunately, I cannot have a family member sign for me. My father is abusive and if I mention anything to do with money he would tell me I am a loser or ruining his life, etc. My mother has never had a paid job and is constantly abused my him as he is the money earner. My dream has always been to get her away and get myself away from him. But it's looking like I might have to go back and stay with them.  Any advice would be appreciated. ",not depression
dev_pid_2935,"i feel like a caged animal : with the whole covid-19 pandemic and what not, i feel even and even more trapped. college and my apartment used to be an escape from the sort of monotonous life i led before then and actually gave my life structure, independence, or some purpose, as pathetic as that sounds. but, with all of this, i'm now stuck at home with my parents who i recently had a falling out with so its just, uncomfortable and i dread it here.
and i recently got an email from my college that they'll be going to online classes for the rest of the semester. wonderful, i get to stay home even longer and feel the scraps of motivation and life i had before continue to slip away even further.
my identity and purpose is just slipping away like a second skin. i already had a shaky sense of self to begin with thanks to my dissociation issues but this is just, adding insult to injury. i feel like im going to go to bed one day and im going to wake up to realize nothing was real to begin with, that everything was fake. doesnt help that i already feel unreal pretty much all of the days now.
there is nothing to do. well, there is, but nothing i care about anymore. i used to like writing and drawing and creating but now its just empty empty and pointless. classic depression am i right? sure, the meds have been working but my environment still has impact and this is just making things worse. feeling trapped and held up like im some fish won at a carnival game by a kid whos gonna let me die in a few days due to shitty care.
my friends. can i even call them that anymore? they seem like strangers and feel like them too. i try to talk to them and i feel like they dont really care or are bothering to spend as much time as i put into them to even comfort me. its always about them really. like i want to disappear. guess my lifetime warranty is wearing out. guess the only thing left to do is completely disappear, something like that.
its not active suicidal ideation but fizzling and fading away might as well be the best option here to save myself from wasting more time on things i dont care about. a sort of mercy kill. they take take and take and never give back until they realize its too late and should have given more so they could keep taking from me down the line.",not depression
dev_pid_2936,"I hate life : 15 m. Sometimes it feels like there is just so much wrong with me that no matter what I can never be okay that no matter what I will never be happy. It's so hard when all you desperately want is someone literally anyone just notice that you are not okay and help because iam so sick of being alone. I tried to start changing things in my life so I cant atleast be a little bit happier but at the end it just made everything worse. I'm so sick of living I've started hating everyone and everything in my life whether they did something or  not. I want to die and it but I'm so scared and terrified. 
Just needed a rant",not depression
dev_pid_2937,i’m falling into despair again. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2938,"I don't know who I am. Am I too far gone? Am I fucked up in the head or something? : I have no clue who I am or what I'm doing with my life. I don't truly know myself. I don't know what I like or dislike. I don't know what my values are. I have no opinions of my own.  I have no passions. I have no skills. I have no talents. I don't know anything about myself.  I don't even know what my dreams or goals are for my future.
 I don't truly know what I want for myself. I have vague ideas, but I'm not sure if they're even my own or taken from someone else. I don't know what I REALLY want from life. It's almost like I'm not even a human. I'm not even my own person.
I just function on habits only anymore. I realize when I do something out of habit though. And I beat myself up over it for not being able to control myself. 
Is there something wrong with my brain?  It's like I'm a robot. All I can truly say I know about myself is that I exist and that's it. I don't know I'm just kind of terrified from the realization that I'm so fucking lost. Will I ever know who I am? Or am I too far gone in the sense that I polluted my mind or something with others thoughts and ideas or fear/anxiety and never developed a sense of self? I can fake being someone but WHO AM I REALLY?
This is so fucking scary and I need help",not depression
dev_pid_2939,Does anyone have solutions for being sad in public? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2940,"In tears right now.. : Sorry for the very long post I just needed to vent...
This might sound pathetic but I literally have no friends/family/anybody I know that lives in the area that I'm currently living in. My problem starts where the it says ""my issue"". But honestly to get the full picture of how tragic my life feels right now read the background.
Some background...
I'm in my late twenties and grew up I  a military family so I have never lived long in on location.  At the age of 18 I left for the military myself but that's when my life changed for the worse. I was abused by my sqaud members almost daily. The abuse started as general new guy hazing stuff like making my run around looking for imaginary things or orders  etc. But things started to ramp up quickly being that I was the smallest and the youngest. It started with very hurtful verbal abuse (calling me racist names, calling me worthless/a retard for asking questions etc) from people my own rank all the way up to the my warrant officer. Soon verbal turn physical and yes sexual. I wasn't raped but I will not relive those memories for this post neither. Things carried on like that for what seemed like an eternity, i pretty much was forced out only 2 years into my dream of a long military career after 3 failed suicide attempts and an alcohol incident.
When I first came back I had a horrible time readjusting back to my former life. I was literally 100 pounds over weight (and the weight that I was when I entered boot camp at). I was back living with my parents which felt embarrassing and and overkill already to my already low sense of worth. I tried so reach out to everyone that I could to try to hang out with or talk but thi is always felt awkward  or in some cases I would be thirstier than a dying guy baking in the desert for months and immediately ruin the conversation and any chance of friendship.  I was so desperate for a normal sense of a relationship I fell quickly into a very toxic relationship ( I was a major contributor to the toxicity along with her some of her actions) 2 years later she ended up leaving me and i don't blame her one bit. I was extremely clingy and jealous. Since I was not treating any of my symptoms of depression and anxiety I would have days where I would literally sleep all day even at her place.... which was another thing....
When I first came back I had a horrible habit of never sleeping at night because again I was not treating my PTSD  or sleeping for days like a bear in hibernation. So when I was dating her I was always at her place. On my fridays I would pack some things in a backpack and no joke as if I was a kid going to sleep over his friend's house on the weekends. I would go to her place and sleep over then go back to my parents place as I worked and continue the cycle. I would have mental breakdowns at home too. I would have night terrors and periods where I would cut/burn myself leaving a couple of horrible scars on my chest/shoulder and forehead. 
Anyways things got a little better after I went on an absolute social purge and deleted my facebook and stopped replying to the little people who texted me. I left that job and actually started to address my severe depression and anxiety along with my weight issue as well. I went to the doctors and college. I tried to amend my very damaged relationship I had with my parents and sister. I sought the right treatment which lead me to a 6 year recovery period where I lost  60 pounds and try to practice healthy habits. I quit drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes. I now wake up to ride my stationary bike for 2-3 hours a day or go for very long walks. I currently work full time at a job that I actually enjoy. I even have my own unit in a apartment building but the only hang up is that I have an extremely hard time meeting new people or even talking to people
It feels like I have all these skills to maintain myself so I avoid those cycles of depression and suicidal thoughts but gained no social skills at all. I freeze up and all those self defeating and self doubtfulness/loathing thoughts come washing over my like a tsunami. Therefore I tend to avoid crowds and gatherings.
_____________________________________________________
The issue:
 My problem is that I feel like a stranger in a town I literally spent the most amount of my life in.  I have no friends at all and the loneliness has been fueling my recent growing depression. I feel as if years of work is slowly unraveling itself. I've tried apps (pof tinder etc) and what not but honestly I was quickly discouraged when I literally had no replies other than bots and escorts. I'm left a sense of hopelessness even at someone somewhat young. I feel like my twenties has been a waste and trying to be the lone wolf in life is turning out to be something I don't want. I just want to find genuine people to hang out with and talk to. I have no idea where to start. I could really use some help rebuilding a social life and honestly find someone special... 
Again sorry if the post is too long or whatever I just really needed to vent. Maybe my expectations are too much for myself and I should be satisfied with just being here at the present moment but the loneliness really is starting to a sink hole that I'm finding it to be harder and harder to climb out of...
TL;DR-  Military veteran with PTSD/Major Depression/Anxiety and absolutely no social skills in desperate need of help in relationship building.",not depression
dev_pid_2941,"Do you ever feel that when you actually want to talk to someone in ""real life"" about how shitty you feel no one sees how important it is for you? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2942,They all tell you to reach out when you arent doing well. They all fucking lie : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2943,"I’m Tired : This is just gonna be a rant, it’s how it has to come out I guess. I’m just tired. Tired of being alone, tired of being sad, and just tired of being tired of that makes sense. I just feel like I have no one, I don’t feel comfortable around anyone, I don’t have a connection with anyone. I thought I did I never used to think this way until the last year and a half. My friends that I’ve had my whole life I still talk to and hang with but it’s just not the same. I try to talk to them about this but they don’t really understand it. My family I don’t know they’re family but again there’s no connection I guess. The only person I’m close to is my brother, since we were all each other had for the longest time. I guess that’s why I feel alone because he found his true love and doesn’t need me as much anymore. Which brings me into my next problem that always clouds my brain. I’m 19 and have never had a girlfriend or done anything until last weekend. And last weekend was a hook up which I realized isn’t for me, I guess I want something true even if it’s not the one. But I feel like no matter what I do no girl even sees me that way. I’ve been talking to the girl I hooked up with but it’s pretty clear that’s all it was and for some reason my mind can’t let me leave it at that. So yeah this was just a rant but I don’t know I just feel like there’s nothing for me, I’m not suicidal I mean I thought about it but I’m scared of death so I wouldn’t try it. But who knows much more of this emptiness might change something.",not depression
dev_pid_2944,"What do I do about my shitty ass fucking life? : I have basically no social life. I work and live alone. My closest family member is an hour away. They never come to see me; I always have to go to them. I basically work, sleep, eat, smoke, and sit on my ass. I can't keep a ""boyfriend"" because I'm boring as shit and won't have sex with them. I just feel like I live in a dark and lonely hole. What should I do about my shitty life? I don't think I have ever been happy. I'm just a bad luck person. Help?",not depression
dev_pid_2945,"Big emotional rollercoaster in the span of a few minutes. Warning, very personal. : I was watching a TV show just a few minutes ago (probably longer ago, this took a while to write out), and there was a scene that came up where a girl was expressing her frustration about not being able to hug or touch her friends and family because of a condition that she had. I understood what it was like to want a hug or to be touched by someone, but I can't hug or touch them because of distance or fear of annoying them. Hence, my emotional ass started tearing up. Then my little sister notices (I say little, but she's old enough by now to know that personal boundaries exist), and she gets all close to me, looking at my face. I ask her what she's doing, obviously annoyed because I'm already about to cry. She says to me ""Looking at your face, it looks like you're gonna cry."" She expressed no concern, and it even felt like she was picking on me. I got angry and yelled at her to get away from me. I told her that if someone looked like they were going to cry, you probably shouldn't get up in their face and point it out to them. She ran off to tell mom like that's gonna do shit, and I sat there with all of my anger. She tells mom that apparently I'm the asshole for telling her the last thing I want people to do when they notice me about to cry is to point it out and make fun of me for it. This pissed me off even more, and I went up to my room. Did the whole edgy teenager thing where I shut off the lights, locked the door, swore up a storm for a minute, then crawled into my bed to have a good cry because I can't go around breaking things in my house. Felt like I shouldn't be loved because I get pissed at my family for the smallest things, felt shitty for acting like a little bitch, and cried some more. I felt like I didn't deserve love at all, and that I should just stay in my dark room without any physical contact for the rest of my life because I'm an ugly and sensitive piece of shit. Started breathing heavily because every time I tried to calm myself down by thinking about someone holding me, telling me everything's ok, I felt like I didn't deserve it, and I guess I kinda panicked? I managed to calm down enough to write this out, even though I'm still crying a little. God, I'm so over dramatic. 
I don't understand why this happened, it could be teenage hormones fucking with me. I'd say it's period problems, but I don't think my period was that long ago. 
I don't fucking know, just gonna post this because I feel it applies.",not depression
dev_pid_2946,Has fasting ever helped your depression? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2947,full bottle lonely as fuck . : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2948,"Isolation from coronavirus : As we all know by now, most of us will have to be isolating for an extended period of time. Is this screwing with anyone else too? I feel anxious just thinking about it and it has messed with my depression.  
On top of all of this anxiety and stress from coronavirus. I had to break it off with a guy I have been dating for three months, we are just looking for different things and he refuses to stop dating other woman. Its so hurtful. 
And my brother came to visit and he is leaving tomorrow. 
I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I have nobody. This is going to be tough.",not depression
dev_pid_2949,I kinda want to be robbed so I can feel something. Is that weird lmao? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2950,"Lost my gf, dont know what I'm gonna do : Basically to sum up this horrible story is that for the past 4 years, I've been a toxic, unlovable, disgusting person. I neglected her and her love and cheated on her. Childhood sexual trauma and plenty of other trauma to follow suit and havent done therapy or talking to my family about any of it until like December 2019. We've been trying to work through things for the past about 5 months but tonight she announced she doesnt want to date me and cant see herself forgiving me and just all around cannot give me her heart because I broke it. I've had a history of cutting but once my nasty coping problems kicked in, I stopped cutting at 15 and just became a severely toxic person. Cut myself a couple weeks ago, felt good. But now that she is done with me, I literally have no reason to live. I lost everything. I would like to end it all but have been too scared in the past. I feel that fear dissipating though. You just know when you've lost a love so unique and profound, that nothing will ever amount to it again. Gonna start practicing letters until I feel like its right.",not depression
dev_pid_2951,"Asking for Help from Professors? : I don't know if this is the right place for this but I don't really know what to do
I'm a student in university and have been going through one of my worst depressive episodes in a long time (i'm bipolar). I haven't been able to get out of bed for 4 days except to pee and I've only eaten 1 rice cracker in 2 days and I feel so hopeless and useless. I haven't felt this bad since last year and I immediately was sent to the hospital then. 
This week is finals and I've kind of resigned myself to failing my classes. One final is a demanding project that I haven't started and the other is an exam I know I'm going to fail because I didn't go to class for 3 weeks. I was wondering what the hell I can do. I want to do well but it feels like right now I'd rather stop breathing. 
I emailed a professor from a different class and she was willing to give me time. The final was a research paper and I told her straight up that I'm struggling and I can't do the assignment so an F is ok. She told me she'll mark the class as incomplete so I'll have three weeks into the next quarter to turn in the assignment and hopefully that gives me time to recover. It was honestly the nicest thing someone has done for me in a while.
I don't know if I can do that for other classes? I feel like it looks like I'm lazy if I email 4 out of 5 professors that I'm sad so I should get special treatment. I worry they won't believe me and I'm worried it'll look really bad on my transcript to have 3 incompletes and an F. That's all they can do because I'm not registered with Disabilities resources. I tried but they haven't gotten back to me I don't know if they will.
I feel so dumb and useless. I'm first generation in college and my family believes in me so much and I'm such a failure. I just don't know what to do",not depression
dev_pid_2952,"Idk why I'm back : I dont know why but I always end up back here. I know no one will see this, I'm lost I dont know if I made the right decision for my schooling and I dont know any more I dont want to think for myself anymore I just want someone else to take control while I just sit co pilot and go through the motions like I've been doing the past 13 year of education ive had to endure.",not depression
dev_pid_2953,"I swear to god, people on Reddit care more about celebrities being depressed, than normal people. : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2954,"Windy weather make me depressed. : I don’t get it. Whenever the weather gets this way, I get even more depressed and anxious.",not depression
dev_pid_2955,"Guess who’s back on this sub a day later : The new kid at my school has now dated two of my exes, within being at my school for 5 days. I wanna fucking die. I feel so worthless, no one wants me, I get my hopes up for some kind of relationship, then immediately get the emotional equivalent of a .50 cal going through my chest. I want to have a relationship but I feel like it’s never gonna happen. I think I’ve hit a new low in my life.",not depression
dev_pid_2956,"I'm alone. : I feel so alone. I moved out from my mom's house, and to a new town a few months ago.i have no friends in this town it's go to work come home sleep. I just want to be happier. What do I do? I'm so lost.",not depression
dev_pid_2957,"The Child who is NOT loved by the village will BURN it down to FEEL it's WARMTH : We are all here because nobody loves us. Some of us turn completely sad and null, others are constantly pissed and only see red. There's also a group that belongs to both. When you can only feel either sadness or anger.
There seems to be a notion that depression isn't a real problem. The truth is it's an unavoidable block in someone's mind. The block turns into a cloud, the cloud envelopes your soul, and you are now coated and consumed by sadness.
We're not deep thinkers, we're not smart people, we're just losers. We want to feel loved.",not depression
dev_pid_2958,You ever look at your life and think to yourself how you've ruined literally every persons life you entered : Well except the ones that realise you have absolutely nothing left to offer and just stopped talking to you. And why the fuck does that hurt because you wouldve eventually isolated and cut them off anyways.,not depression
dev_pid_2959,"Fuck me, fuck you, fuck everybody and fuck this fucking world : I hate existing, what the fuck did I do to deserve any of this?
 I'm not a real person",not depression
dev_pid_2960,"Stuck in a fictional world. : F19. I keep drowning myself in games and books. It keeps reality far away. I know it’s quite idiotic but I still love the peace. 
I especially love Dragon Age (2). There are also romance options in the games but that’s the only thing that eventually makes me sad. 
I feel like I’ll never be able to find someone so dear to me in real life. I’ve given up on love and people. 
I guess that this is the closest thing to happiness, trust and love for me for a long, long time...",not depression
dev_pid_2961,Is it bad that I have an “exit” plan? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2962,Sim simma : Real sad,not depression
dev_pid_2963,Anyone else really want to get coronavirus and die? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2964,Low libido possibly ruining relationship : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2965,I need more serotonin daily but don’t want to take an SSR. What are my options? : ,not depression
dev_pid_2966,"Toxicity : I can finally feel my insides rotting away, this is the pain that I've come to expect day to day. This poison is surrounding me wherever I go, how can I possibly hope to remain till tomorrow. This is the best chance that I have.",not depression
dev_pid_2967,"Quarantine schedule : X-Posted
Hello friends! 
Vegas resident here. We have entered unprecedented times, all. While lucky enough to be afforded the time to self quarantine (I’m a teacher, and our governor just called for K-12 schools to be closed until after spring break) I am going to do just that.
I had a depressive episode about a month ago, I could barely get out of bed for a time. Things are much improved now, but I worry if I don’t establish a routine I’ll be susceptible to fall back to that place. 
Anyway...any tips/ideas/things you are already doing? We made a write up of what our kiddos schedule would look like during this time, I basically wanted to figure out an adult version :’) (especially time allotted for no technology/media!) I think this may be a healthy thing for all of us who are potentially quarantined themselves. Stay well, friends ❤️",not depression
dev_pid_2968,"My school just closed down for a month : So. No idea what I’m going to do while dealing with my demon-like little siblings for a month, but in terms of not going crazy because of isolation...yah I think I’ve got that covered. I never leave my room, let alone my house. I’d rather do all my assignments by myself anyway, it’s not like I can’t email my teachers with questions. So, my depression combined with being an introvert has really prepared me for this whole coronavirus thing. I already take online college classes, so it’s not like it’s anything new to me. 
However, I haven’t had therapy in a month, due to scheduling issues and employee training, and now it’ll be at least 4 weeks until my school reopens. My therapist is through the school, she comes to the school for my sessions, along with a bunch of other kids. I was supposed to have a session tomorrow, but now that isn’t happening...This isn’t going to be good. Last time I went two months without therapy I got to a pretty bad state where I was very suicidal. I’d really rather that not happen. It’s annoying, if nothing else.",not depression
dev_pid_2969,"Loosing my mind because of Corona : So I know this probably makes me sound like a spoiled child or whatever but, because of this stupid corona virus my mom isn’t letting me go outside at all and so I’m stuck in my mentally abusive house hold that triggers my depression and so I feel so trapped right now. Does any one have any advice on how I can stay sane during my 2 weeks of imprisonment?",not depression
dev_pid_2970,"COVID-19 made me realize something: i eat way too much when im stressed : its only been 2 days, but ive eaten way too much food that i feel bloated. stress eating is one of my ways to calm down, especially in a situation like this, but now i dont want to because of our food supply. lifes weird sometimes",not depression
dev_pid_2971,"Been a rough few months... but I’m hopeful as ever. Even if this truly is it. : In the past couple of months I have been through a lot...
-parents divorced
-mom lost her job
-girlfriend broke up with me
Not to mention this is my senior year of college. The most recent thing to happen is my girlfriend splitting up with me. It’s been just over 3 weeks and I have been devastated. 
After it happened, I decided to just start living again. Just start having fun without her and distract myself. Of course I still miss her. Of course I still love her. But I have to enjoy myself as best I can, as I only have 2 months left of college life. 
Or at least that’s what I thought. 
This coronavirus throwing a wrench in the works really messes everything up. I’ll more than likely have to finish school online, and then I’m graduating. Just like that. 
So, in order to avoid the imminent loneliness and depression from quarantining for the next month or so, I’ve decided the next 3 days are my final hurrah. 
I have a flight to Florida that leaves in 6 hours. I could not be more excited. I’ve never been able to go to Florida before as I grew up in a lower middle class family in New York. As a matter of fact, the furthest I’ve ever been from home is my college in New Hampshire. 
I’ve been working a lot lately and flights were of course super cheap. So my best friend and I decided to go down and stay with another friend who has a house down there. 
If the coronavirus is truly as dangerous as they say it is, I am not in the least bit worried. If it kills me, it kills me. At least I will die knowing that I made a decision to go somewhere I’ve always wanted to go. 
At least I will die knowing I didn’t die sitting by myself and sulking about how much I hate my life. 
At least I will die knowing that I had a great time doing it. 
Because for as long as I can remember, I have not been happy with myself or my life. 
I don’t see myself fixing this issue in the future. 
This is why I don’t care if coronavirus is truly as lethal as people are saying. If it kills me, I can truly die content knowing that I will no longer lay up at night with crippling thoughts about my future and whether or not I will be a success. No longer will I suffer in this life of malcontent. 
It’s a little freeing, knowing that I could potentially never see anyone I love ever again. And those same people would probably look at my decision and say “hey, the flight was cheap. He’s a young kid who made an impulse decision.”
But the truth is, so many of us, including myself, have reservations about suicide because we know there are people who’d be devastated if we went through with it. 
But what if it wasn’t viewed that way? It seems to me as if the stars have aligned perfectly for me to die doing something I’ve always wanted to do. 
Mostly due to my depression, I haven’t been known to live life to the fullest. Especially not within the past year, given everything that’s happened to me. 
But if I DIE living life to the fullest, well then there is just no other way I’d want to go out :)",not depression
dev_pid_2972,"learning acceptance : my personal thoughts. i am young and i know that one day i will die and it will be like i never existed. my body will decompose into the ground. everything i ever did in life will not matter anymore. in 100 years people will piss on my grave. 
my depression is within me. it is inside my brain.
it makes me feel like a zombie like i am incapable of love. i surround myself with shitty people who treat me like shit, no respect at all. i do drugs to make myself feel worthy, otherwise tbh i feel like a burden, to everyone around me. 
it’s fucked up, but i know im gonna die young, probably late twenties honestly. im ok with that. 
see i don’t see a point in finishing high school. going to college. and then i gotta work 40+ hours a week, to just barley scrape by? fuck that. i don’t see a point in that if i am just gonna die one day anyways. id rather have fun, even if that means being a drug addict. 
i never fit in anywhere else, as soon as i found drugs i kinda fell in love, i will never be able to live sober, that would be fucking horrible!",not depression
dev_pid_2973,"I eat copious amounts of food to feel something good. I think I'm dying. : I go to sleep thinking the chance of me waking up is slimmer and slimmer. I want to stop, but I uncontrollably crave for happiness.",not depression
dev_pid_2974,Hi : A two letter word with so much meaning.,not depression
dev_pid_2975,im fucking stupid : i keep watching videos of anjmals dying bc its the only thing that will make me cry anymore otherwise im completely empty. i hate that i have opinions and feeling bc neither of them matter  and i shouldnt be upset that ppl dont care. im always making myself out to be the victim when everythings my fault. im such a terrible person. i keep getting called selfish bc i dont care if i get the virus or not. i should just kill myself even if i dont want to die. i dont deserve love or respect in any form. i do not matter in any way whatsoever. all i do is sleep and eat and whine and complain aboht how horrible everything is. im so shitty. I'm really realizing that seriously dont deserve to be happy at all. im so stupid. the dumbest shit makes me mad. im actually so so so terrible. all i do is make ppl mad. fuck me for ever even thinking abot getting help. i dont deserve this. i dont deserve to have a roof over my head or food to eat or a loving family. i deserve hatred and pain. i really truly believe that here is nothing likeable abot me at all and it makes sense that ppl jus tget annoyed at this point when i complain. holy shit. i shouldnt even let it out here. i should just let everything build up. nobody has to hear this. its pointless. what the fuck am i who the fuck am i and why do i fucking exist if all i do is upset people.,not depression
dev_pid_2976,"I feel like I've never really helped anyone. : My whole life I've always had some kind of hero complex. I wanted to be there for people and to be wanted and respected for it, but I've always failed.   
My first big failure I was only 5. My neighbor was a girl who quickly became my best friend because of proximity, we were the only two houses in the area the rest were cheap motels. So we would hang out pretty much daily and play games mostly ones emulating TV characters which usually put me in a hero and her in a damsel in distress situation. Well the whole time we were friends she was regularly being raped by one of her dad's friends, as were her siblings. So great hero work there. After a few years our houses were both torn down to build a supermarket, I didn't see her again til high school and she could barely stand to ever look at me.   
My mom was an alcoholic, manic depressive, had a rare genetic disorder and plenty of other problems. She was irresponsible and I tried to keep her on track, playing the parenting role from a young age. I never managed to actually keep her on track. She ended up dying from illness at 49, if I had actually managed to get her to stop even one of her bad habits, smoking, drinking, hell drinking pepsi...maybe she wouldn't be dead and I wouldn't be alone.   
I joined the Coast Guard because I wanted to finally be able to help someone. Six years I didn't do anything to help anyone except my superiors in the Coast Guard. No lives were saved by anything I worked on or was a part of in six years. Not even by proxy, my entire unit didn't do shit to help anyone, it was a combat-focused unit.
Now the closest thing I have to a social life is posting on reddit. Giving advice to people, sometimes ones who didn't ask it. Advice that is probably useless because it is coming from me, someone who is a mentally ill failure that's barely ever been able to function in society. The fuck do I know? I don't even leave the house.   
I did used to give my excess dumpster diving stuff to homeless people, that's the most I've done to help anyone in my life that I can think of. It isn't enough, and it was 7+ years ago.",not depression
dev_pid_2977,"Work told me to stay home for 3 weeks, but due to limited infrastructure also says only essential employees are to access work server. Fiscal year-end is coming up, and I have no other work to do. : As title says, I can’t access work server but all my work is tied to fiscal year end (which all programs are on work server).
I’m anxious because I feel like I have nothing to work on, for the 3 weeks. Boss sent an email out Friday advising us of the above, but stressed that this is not a vacation. 
Well for me, it’s a forced vacation because I can’t do my job. I’m admin, but can’t do anything else adminy (like scanning) because I would need to physically be in the office and have access to server. Right now, all my admin tasks have been focused on fiscal year end (paying bills, making sure our orders come in on time, etc). 
I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do for the next 3 weeks and feel stressed because I can’t do anything I normally would, working from home, so I’m gonna look like I’m slacking off when everyone else in the office was able to find stuff to work on. 
Guess I’m just ranting, more than looking for advice. But any little bit of advice is helpful.",not depression
dev_pid_2978,"Everything going on in my life is just making me feel very discouraged and worthless. I feel like I have bad luck or something. I’m the only common denominator in my life, so it must be me who’s the problem. I want to be a normal functioning adult. Why do the most basic things have to be so hard??? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_2979,"Tonight's depression rant : I'm pissed at both my parents for making me take responsibilities for their divorce problems as a kid. I'm also agry because I'v unconsciously learned their unhealthy behaviors (anxiety x10). I'm pissed they've tought me to not be too proud of myself to not make others sad. And I hate my mom for making me hate men for years. 
Kids are like sponges. They see and adopt common behaviors their parents have. I'm stuck in this shit because of them and now giess what? None of them wants to take responsibility for their own mistake (giving birth to me). I hate my mom for kicking me out, then saying I should be grateful to her and I'm disappointed in my dad who pretends it'll all be better if I go outside for a few minutes each day. 
I don't have the worst family, and I can't imagine how other must feel, because this is enough for me to breakdown ad wish for my life to end.",not depression
dev_pid_2980,"The COVID-19 pandemic is terrible, but it kind of amazes me how there's so much attention paid to it : When it comes to a (sometimes) fatal, infectious disease, there seems to be an endless amount of news articles every day from all angles such as what's the mortality rate, how is the disease affecting the stock market, how it's affecting the 2020 USA presidential elections, etc., but when it comes to things like depression and ADHD, I can't help but feel neglected in comparison now. Like society is putting so much effort into stopping COVID-19 through panic buying, hygiene and online working, but it seems like there is a lot less done for mental health illnesses in comparison. 
I mean, I do believe that COVID-19 is quite a severe, serious problem for humanity as a whole, but mental health problems are severe and serious too and yet society doesn't appear to halt its ways to alleviate mental health issues. Rant over.",not depression
dev_pid_2981,Made my dad cry : My dad accidentally read my diary and he cried when he saw what I wrote. And he cried when he told me he just wanted to help me and he didn’t know how. He said he hates the way I think of myself and he just wants me to feel ok.,not depression
dev_pid_2982,"Feel free to message for a chat : Wherever you find yourself, feel free to send me a message for a chat. I've been through multiple suicide attempts and have lived through the depression. I'm still getting my life together slowly but know what it's like to be hopeless. Chatting to a stranger can help, there's no judgement at all. 
Shut your eyes and keep going through it. I can't believe I'm the one saying this now but there is another side to the darkness.",not depression
dev_pid_2983,im only 19 and i have a child i dont deserve : i feel like im a  weak hell,not depression
dev_pid_2984,Why can’t I talk to people : I can’t talk to my “friends” because I’m the funny one and everything I say is a joke to them so I can’t be taken seriously about anything. I’m just the punching bag of the group because I act like I don’t care when people insult or tease me. I can’t talk to other people who I’m not close with either because I’m so fucking awkward and I don’t know how to have a normal conversation with people. I know that I’ll never get a girlfriend because I don’t look good and I’m not the slightest bit outgoing so I pretty much remind myself that there’s no point in getting nervous around girls anyways because they don’t like me. I just wish people would talk to me as a regular person and not treat me like I don’t have feelings too. I know that nothing matters and that we are all going to die with no trace anyways but I still get nervous when around girls that I’ve tricked myself into thinking that they like me. I know this is going to happen until the day I die and then people will act like they were close to me and how it was such a tragic death. No one cares about you unless they gain something out of being around you. I don’t have the power to live anymore. There’s no point to anything so why does everyone act like life has meaning. I’ll probably die before I graduate from school so I don’t have to think about the future anyways. Nothing is fun anymore.,not depression
dev_pid_2985,Does anyone ever just feel angry at every little thing that bothers you. That you normally wouldn’t get angry over? : ,not depression
dev_pid_2986,"Yoh ever start to feel like the things you use to find fun are boring? Like gaming gets tiring quickly, music seems more of an escape then something to vibe to? : ",not depression
dev_pid_2987,"Of course I’m fine! I’m just tired. : No I’m not fucking ok. I haven’t felt contact from anyone other then my parents my entire life, I’m starved of attention, the only girl I liked has stopped starting conversations with me and all I can do is ask how her day was or how she is while I watch the only friendship I truly cared for fall apart every second. I haven’t been able to cry in over a year and I haven’t cared for anything more then her, I miss talking to her, I miss seeing her. I’m a mess and I don’t even know how I can stay alive, people have it worse then me but I’m being selfish complaining about my problems that are nothing compared to anyone else’s. I use my depression as a joke but I’m not even fucking funny, I’m nothing special, I won’t be anyone special. I still can understand how this is my life, I won’t become a super hero, or any hero, I won’t save the galaxy or world, I’ll off debt for the rest of my life while time marches on until I’m forgotten and will have done nothing to advance humanity.",not depression
dev_pid_2988,"Ready for the world to end : Even though reactions are being considerably blown out of proportion, the reactions to the Coronavirus are making me giddy. I ran around on Friday evening looking for toilet paper at my mom’s behest. Seeing the bare shelves in many of the stores I went to made me grin and almost laugh. I feel like Kirsten Dunst’s character in Melancholia: while the rest of the world panics at the impending doom, I am becoming more serene.",not depression
dev_pid_2989,I've lost the feeling of wanting to die. : Now I feel nothing.,not depression
dev_pid_2990,"I don't know how much more i can handle. : this is going to be a long post because in order for you to realize the depth of everything I have to start from where everything started going wrong which was 2016.   
I was 12 in 2016, Me and my family were estranged except for the people who lived in my house, and my fathers parents. so it's 6 other people as a support system. I started homeschooling a little before  this point. My mom was getting sicker and was bed ridden and i remember waking up on January 1st with the intent of everything going back to normal and me helping everything smoothly. By the end of it i couldn't walk without crying.   
2017------  
I went through 8 blood tests plenty of mri's some with radiation some without and it they came down to....absolutely nothing. they never found out what was wrong with me and after 6 months of physical therapy they stopped and never fixed my problem....my pain tolerance grew but every step i take hurts to this day. But lets back track a bit to the first week of 2017, one morning my dad came home and he was silent which was alerting. My mother and I were both in her bed together drawing and resting and he told me that my beloved grandmother died and just 30 minutes later my mom would go in for a blood draw and biopsy. So my siblings and i sat in the car well we waited for my mom and dad to come back out of the hospital, i didn't know for a week or two more but my mother breast cancer and had a surgical removal later in the year. Thats all my trauma for 2017.   
2018------  
This year I had depression and 3 different eating disorders but i met the most important person in my life and one of my best friends who we'll call thomas, she has helped me beyond believe will all my mental health issues and its probably the only reason i'm around. We met and talked often and she helped me but my parents all through this were reading my messages and learned everything i said, about my self harm and everything and instead of helping me they yelled at me for hours, invalidating my feelings tell me that  I was copying her and that i didn't have any issues. They started yelling more at me for not cleaning the entire house or doing everything their list said to do. but i got through it.  my parents seperated me from my friend but after a little time I tracked her back down on the internet and were still really close.  
2019------  
At the start of this year i met this guy he seemed really nice and we were together for 4 months before he tried to use me. He tried forcing me into sexual situations and it got really out of hand so i kept my mouth shut and broke up with him. My parents started yelling more at me and my father even called me a fuck up and failure. By the end of the year i was ready to enter the dating pool again and i met this new guy and when shit started to fall apart i realized how wrong i was about him after i found out he was cheating on me with 3 other girls. my best friend of 8 years moved away because her parents couldn't finance the area anymore  
2020---   
this year i was just so destined to live better but my life doesn't operate like that. my parents started taking trips for a couple days and its always so hard when they get back but this was the worst moment of my life. my sister was having trouble sleeping and then he yelled at her and my parents got into a fight and my dad hit my mom. After that moment i'm not sure how i'm suppose to get on...now i don't feel like myself and I can't look at myself in the mirror...i don't recognize the person i don't know if its depersonalization depression or gender dysphoria all i know its i covered all the mirrors because i couldn't stand it anymore i hate my long hair but my dad calls it ""his head"" which makes my mom so mad but what am i suppose to do. it took me 8 years to convince him to let me get my first hair cut. Its hard to sleep i usaully only get 3 or 4 hours a night and I barely can stand having to talk to people. after everyday i lock myself in my room and just lie on my floor and cry for a few hours. I've tried to convince my parents i need help but they think its all fake. even after they saw my self harm marks. i'm not sure how i could make it through the next 2.5 years....they always target me, my sister is the golden child and they buy her stuff and she never has to clean i just don't know how to go on when it feels like the weight of everything is on my chest and dieing would be easier. i can't do any of this anymore its too much. can anyone help me ? i want to keep living but its so hard when i can't even be myself.",not depression
dev_pid_2991,"I’ve always had mild depression, but the passing of my pet parakeet has made it significantly worse : I feel like a bitch for crying over my little parakeet, but I loved him so much. He was one of the only things that brought me joy in the world we currently live in. Now I feel like utter shit and I can’t stop thinking about it. Every time I see a date of something before his death I think about how much time I had from that date up until his death and it makes me wonder what’s coming next. My classes were canceled for coronavirus and I’m being burdened with a shit ton of work on top of grieving over the loss of my beloved pet. It also doesn’t help how my family members don’t seem to care because he was “just a parakeet and not something like a dog.” This is the worst I’ve ever felt mentally. I miss him so much and my house and heart feel empty",not depression
dev_pid_2992,Getting kicked out : My mom is yelling at me to leave she hates me but i have no where to go. I dont know what to do i have no one and nothing tonmy name not evwn a car. I domt know what tonfuxking do i think i might jump off a bridge.,not depression
dev_pid_2993,"i don’t even know anymore : i don’t even know, i just feel like shit, so useless. 
today’s my birthday, not fun anyways. (3.15)
i guess, can anyone ask me questions so i have something to talk about 🖤",not depression
dev_pid_2994,"My intimacy issues is the reason why I'll die alone : My two friends of many years just got into a relationship together and it's honestly weird seeing them together and being affectionate twords each other because they've never acted that way twords each other until recently.
But it's made made me realize, my last relationship ended because I couldn't get more serious with him. I overall have a hard time making friends as is, how the hell am I supposed to get a boyfriend.
And now I'm thinking about distancing myself from my two friends because ever since they've gotten together they've become overbearing and annoying and I'm now forever the 3rd wheel. Now I have basically no friends",not depression
dev_pid_2995,I’m super tired and probably should sleep but I don’t want to. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_2996,"Cannot do this isolation : I live in NYC.  Had a bad bout with depression a couple of years ago but have been doing better.  Until this past week.  I already hate this city and don't want to be here but have to for work.  Now I can't see what few friends I have.  Fine, I'll go to a show.  Can't do that.  Ok, I'll go grab some food and a drink.  Can't do that either.  Then I'll watch sports at my apartment.  Nope, none of that.
The walls of my apartment are already closing in.  It's a small studio and I am losing my mind.  I cannot do this city like this.  It's like De Blasio is trying to make me lose it.  Every day he takes away another thing that is keeping me sane.
This has to end.  I can't do one more night being trapped in this tiny ass apartment.  If I had a car I'd take a drive, but nope, can't have that either living in this horrendous town.
And I work in healthcare.  So while everyone else gets to just not work for the next few weeks I'm getting shat upon.  And will get sick at some point.
I just can't do this.  I want to go out with my friends and be a real person for a few hours, but this effing city is instead choosing to ruin our lives.",not depression
dev_pid_2997,Not sure if tonight is my night : Currently this is the farthest I've gone. I've always had this vision of me sitting in my bathtub with a shot gun and finally just ending it. At the moment I'm in the tub with my shotgun and a shell sitting on the tub edge. Well see what happens tonight. I don't wanna die but I also dont wanna live with my brain the way it is.,not depression
dev_pid_2998,"Life ain't right : I swear my mind is melting at this point. I am sitting here in my room while visiting family in TX, I am from Florida on spring break. Every day draws closer to me going back home and I honestly don't want to do it. I don't want to go back to worrying about what my future will entail. I was denied to almost every college I applied to, I am interested in computer science and I wanted to do cyber security for the military but it looks like that is going to fall through.
I don't want to go back, it eats at me to go back to that shitty state. I just want to move here and work on a ranch till I die if I could, but that simply won't work as that is not the path I truly want. It feels everything I have worked for has led to me being denied. I feel like a god damn failure even though I try my hardest but the struggle chunks away my sanity slowly. I don't know what I'm going to do for my future. I don't know where I am going to end up. It makes me so sad, the only thing I would want to go back for is my amazing girl who supports me.
I don't want to go back to where my terrible family is and I don't ever want to deal with their drama ever again in my life. Half of my mind is telling me to leave everything and start anew. The only person in my family that truly supports me, and I mean truly support(not just words) is my father who I admire. He doesn't help with this matter however.
It feels like nothing ever works out, I'm sorry for being all over the place it was just coming out as I thought it.",not depression
dev_pid_2999,"I think this one broke me : My ex and I were together for four years. She was my best and only friend for so long.
She broke up with me 2 months ago because she couldn't cope with my depression anymore.
The same week I was made redundant at work and unemployed. Also, my car was written off by a bus. I got half the insurance payout due to some loophole in the contract.
Anyway it's been pretty on and off for the last few months with me being friendly then trying to rekindle our friendship at least- followed by her getting a new boyfriend I only found out about when I caught my friends lying to me..  I was hospitalised psychiatric that night.... she then broke up with him because he didn't know she still talked to me. She seemed to care when I nearly died but now has gone back to a new tinder boyfriend.
This time she's blocked me and I don't know how to cope.
It is breaking me.",not depression
dev_pid_3000,I cant do this anymore i feel like im going to explode : I cant do this anymore i have to talk to someone i feel so fucking alone i have no one no friends no dad and my mom hates me i dont know what to do anymore there is no escape from these torturous thoughts i have no one to count on no ome to talk to amd soon ill have no place to stay either i want to stab myself and end this right fucking now.,not depression
dev_pid_3001,Am I overreacting? : I feel like my boyfriend is embarrassed of me. He’s recently been going out with his brother since he’s back in town and he hasn’t invited to go with them. I know what you’re think maybe they want brother time but the thing is it’s a group of 7 that are going out to go bowling and him and I had talked about going bowling the day before he went out with them. I feel sad he hasn’t invited to go with them :/ or at least go over his house to actually meet his brother. I feel like I’m being dramatic but i don’t know,not depression
dev_pid_3002,Marijuana induced derealization and detachment from reality. (HELP) : Hey so about 9 days ago I took edibles with my friend and girlfriend. I took edibles once before and had a bad reaction so this time I decided I’d take less. Anyways so that night happened and it wasn’t great but nothing I didn’t expect from a normal high. The problem started the next day when I woke up and felt detached from reality. I thought it was just a hangover but then the next day I woke up and was terrified to see that I still felt this way I felt like I was in a simulation and detached from reality. My perception was off and I constantly second guessed everything that I experienced. Words being communicated to me didn’t make sense and I couldn’t believe things I was being told or heard. Basically everything feels like a Mandela Effect It’s now been over a week and I am still experiencing these symptoms I feel detached and can’t trust what I’m experiencing. This is a living hell and a nightmare. It’s been over a week. What should I do? This is a nightmare I can’t wake up from,not depression
dev_pid_3003,TheBlackHoleThatICreate : I feel ok after my girl tells me she isn’t cheating. Sadly I can’t really sleep so at night I always over think and create a black hole that I get sucked into. I WANT OUT BUT I DONT WANT TO BREAK UP WITH HER 4 YEARS. IDK IF I CAN TRUST HER.,not depression
dev_pid_3004,"when I am talking with friends. I constantly thinking""what are we talking?what is the point?"" : I don't have many friends. maybe none. I have people I can occasionally talk. when life gets unbearable I try to talk with people. and in few minutes I just feel why am I doing this. this is pointless.  I feel I can always find a reason not to hang out to/like/talk to  a person.  I constantly asking myself  are things going to get better.  I wish I can feel better. and like people more.  and like a little bit more.",not depression
dev_pid_3005,"The reason I stopped participating in school sports : I'm a senior in highschool and the last time I was in a school sport or club was sophomore year. I quit after people kept picking on me and making it a very toxic environment. 
When I thought I finally had been doing well in cross country and was eligible for my XC varsity lettering (I never made varsity I was going to get the letter for it but they changed the requirements day of awards ceremony). After that it was my last straw and I gave up. I played private esport teams but that even more toxic. I quit those and hate myself for trying to join or for giving up and leaving. I'm pathetic either way.",not depression
dev_pid_3006,The physical body pain is the worst : The physical pain that comes with depression is almost worse than the emotional pain. And nothing ever helps. My body teases me once in a while with a decent night's sleep but usually its dull achy constant pain.,not depression
dev_pid_3007,"I feel like I would have been better off if I were born female : I'm quiet, I'm not very outgoing, and as a guy if you aren't a social outgoing butterfly, you get left behind and no one cares about you.  Sure, women can benefit from being outgoing and social but if you aren't as a woman, you won't be left behind and forgotten.  
It blows my mind that women are treated almost like celebrities in a way.  People (guys) want to meet women and talk to them without even knowing who they are.  If I don't talk to anyone, no one talks to me.  If I don't make the effort to reach out first, no one reaches out to me.  There's a girl at work who gets hit on by everyone.  She has her choice in whoever she wants to hang out with, sleep with, date, etc.  I'm pretty sure she's in the job she is right now because she's a pretty face too.  And she isn't even all that pretty.  Just a girl who knows how to do make up and smile.  
There are a lot of downsides to being a woman, I get it.  But with my personality I just think I would have been better off female.  I'm not trans or anything, I'd never transition, it's just something I think about a lot.",not depression
dev_pid_3008,What a wasted youth looks like as a 22 year old woman : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3009,"I think I have ADHD (F22) : Tonight my mom and I were discussing all of my current struggles, spending the last 9 years being suicidal, and how a lot of things I had issues with as a kid that everybody thought would go away have only exacerbated (my extreme forgetfulness, procrastination, losing things that I use everyday, etc.). I then recalled an article I had read a while ago about adults with ADHD and how I had related to a lot of it, but didn’t think that anybody would believe me at the time, so I never mentioned it to anybody. After all, only kids get diagnosed with ADHD, right? And I had good grades growing up and was never hyperactive so I couldn’t have it, right?
Well. After sending my mom a few articles to read to see if I was crazy for relating so much, she told me that she started crying while reading them because every single thing she read aside from the hyperactivity was something that I had struggled with my entire life, and had frequently stressed about to her, including my anxiety and depression. She told me she felt like she understood now why I could never stick with a habit, and why her seemingly simple solutions for things I was struggling with weren’t working (like how using calendars don’t help me remember things I need to do because I forget to look at the calendar, or how she had to buy me two tracking devices for my wallet and keys because I was losing them so often that I was starting to break down and cry and get angry at myself the moment I misplaced them again, and then I lost one of the tracking devices, or how no matter how many times I organize my things by the end of the week my room is a disaster again). Obviously there is a LOT MORE that I have experienced or struggled with that relate to ADHD or I wouldn’t be so convinced that I might have it, but this would be a much longer post than it is already if I were to copy/paste all of my notes about it here. 
Now, I am NOT SELF-DIAGNOSING, I am seeing a behavioral specialist on Tuesday for my depression and anxiety already. But now I have a huge list of things relating to ADHD that honestly really give me hope that there might be a new beginning in sight. If I truly have it, it explains almost every single major stressor that I’ve had in my life. Even if I don’t have it, I really hope that I can get some answers on Tuesday.",not depression
dev_pid_3010,"Why do I crave friendships but detest everyone : I have no friends and feel lonely, feel like I can’t be happy without friends. The problem is everyone is fake and I hate everyone",not depression
dev_pid_3011,Advices please : What is the meaning if your partner pushes you away? He told me hes not worth it. He’s suffering from depression btw. Should i stay with him or give him space?,not depression
dev_pid_3012,"""You so smart, why don't you so?"" : People left right having been saying that I'm smart and mentally strong. My parents said so, my uber driver said so, even my lectures and friends. The truth is, I'm just a person with my own problems, I'm not smart in a way they expected I am.
My parents used to have anger issues and they took it out on me, let alone that I only meet them 4 hours per day, it's mostly beatings. My siblings teamed up and shit on me for some reason but at least they've changed now well that happened when I was young thus leading me to over think any criticism I receive.
Basically I can't perform what people expect me to do,  not high and mighty as people think I am. I've tried explaining but they refuse to listen. I've tried to meet their expectations but my efforts didn't pay off, studied 8 hours straight everyday for 3 months just to score half of the full score while everyone is ace-ing it. That's why I'm toxic in game to release stress out.
 But lately games mean so little to me, I don't feel like talking socialising with people because it also getting boring. I'm at a state where I do care about things but I somehow don't want to. This feeling hits me when something impactful happens to me 
Hey, maybe it's just me right.
I hope someone can shine a light for me to walk here",not depression
dev_pid_3013,"We all die at one point or another : We either live a long life because of our lack of carcinogen use (alcohol, cigarettes, pills, etc.) or live a shorter one due to numbing the pain with those things",not depression
dev_pid_3014,"My day today, day 3 : Woke up, ate a waffle
Played on my Xbox for a few hours
Played Minecraft for another few hours
Scrolled Reddit/ YouTube for a bit while eating hot Cheetos
Played more xbox
Turned nighttime, ended up cutting my legs a bit
Posted about it here, got a pm from Reddit that gave me massive anxiety
Post this
Maybe tomorrow will be better, idk",not depression
dev_pid_3015,"Sick of the ups and downs : I was feeling good for a while when I took Abilify. Things finally felt ""normal"" for the first time in my entire life. I really think it was the one time ever I felt what other people feel happiness as. Then I started getting some pretty horrible rare side effects and now I've been off it for a few weeks and I'm back to severe Depression. I just want it to stop already. Even if I just felt less Severe Depression I'd be fine. I don't need to ever feel that normal person happiness ever again even. I just don't want to be this low. 
Sometimes I wish I could kill myself, but I don't have the balls to disappoint my family more than I already have. Plus I have a disabled mother to take care of.",not depression
dev_pid_3016,"I wish I could hug everyone on this sub : I know how it feels like to be completely alone. No friends, nothing. And it hurts even more to know that there's so many people out there who feel the same way. I wish I could take everyone's pain onto me",not depression
dev_pid_3017,The nights are the hardest : When I lay in bed it’s just a constant assault on my brain of suicidal thoughts. The worst part is is that I can’t cry. I haven’t been able to cry in years and holy hell that is all I want to do.,not depression
dev_pid_3018,"I wish I could make new good friends, I'm so alone, just a outburst : I have incredible virtual friends, they make me laugh, they care for me and everything, but it is far from having a person by your side, I am very alone, I wanted so much, but so much to have more friends, to go out, to have company, having a shoulder to cry on, hugging and everything, I am grateful for the friends (not virtual, there are 4) that I have, but they are never willing to do this kind of thing, always busy and we see each other from time to time, I I feel so alone :( I wanted to go out and have some fun, there is so much I wanted to do in a group, I miss everything that we used to do together, virtual friends are good but is far from what I need now :(((((
where I live it's hard to have someone who fits me ( I have panic attacks, anxiety and depression but, i always hide this from ppl xd ), I wanted to have opportunities to meet new people, I've tried so many things, i just dont want to be alone",not depression
dev_pid_3019,"are mass shooters bad people? : i don’t understand why people hate them
they are people who are depressed and have a life changing event 
they are what happens if no one bothers 
anyone agree with me?",not depression
dev_pid_3020,Friends... : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3021,Feeling guilty after crying : Anyone ever like have a full force breakdown in front of someone and then afterwards hate yourself because you feel like you ruined not only their day but the way they see you? Like you failed in some way because you couldn’t just keep it together?,not depression
dev_pid_3022,"COVID-19 and a College Student : It is very hard in times and situations like this to remain calm. I am a student from Georgia, and my University extended spring break another week, so two weeks off. I am currently freaking out about it. I am employed by my University but as a student worker. That therefore qualifies me as non-essential, which basically means for as long as this thing is here, I will not be receiving a check or getting payed. There’s is a possibility my University will extend this break to the rest of the year, putting all students in online classes. This is a terrifying situation to me because like many others, I live pay check to paycheck. I am a regular adult with credit card bills, car note, insurance, rent etc. How will all of these be payed within the next month if the entire United States it practically at a standstill? I currently have $2.48 in my bank account, a few cans of food, and one new pack of toilet paper that I nearly had to fight someone over. I cried today because the amount of money related stress that I am going through is getting to my head. Can anyone provide me with some advice? This virus seems to have no end in sight. My anxiety is going through the roof and it probably won’t be coming back down anytime soon. How does the US government plan to elevate the hardships people are going through because of this? How can we live in a country where someone (not just me, but many others) has to worry about their entire livelihoods coming to a screeching halt if one paycheck doesn’t show up? This is insane. Advice?",not depression
dev_pid_3023,"Been getting really angry over tiny things : Every little thing, down to my friends laughter, is absolutely grating on my nerves right now. I’m better now at recognising the anger and having it not result in an outburst, but I still feel like shit having all this built up anger inside of me. I am spending more and more time alone because I can distract myself and let the anger dissipate. 
Anyone else experience this? Any tips on how to deal with it in a healthier manner?",not depression
dev_pid_3024,"Feeling exceptionally down this week...the world seems to have gone crazy : I suffer from depression, anxiety and ADHD. My husband and I were supposed to leave a week from tomorrow to go to Disneyland for a much needed vacation. I just left a very stressful job and it was the light on my horizon. 
Not to sound like the most out of touch person in the world, but when Disneyland closed and our vacation got postponed, it really brought me down. We found out Thursday and I felt really down and deflated, crying at the drop of a hat. I thought, I can’t be this much of a child, crying over my Disneyland plans. The following day, Friday, I started my period, which I felt explained why I was feeling so down and emotional. But over the weekend, the depressed feeling has persisted. In every corner of the internet, everyone is talking about the coronavirus, either in memes trying to lighten the mood or in tips of what to do while being isolated. Every store in a hundred mile radius is out of almost everything, so I’m not going shopping, even for things I need, because they’re not there. 
I feel suffocated, like the world is teetering and spinning out of control. And I don’t know where the end is. When will social media, shopping, our vacation, our whole world, seem to return to some semblance of normalcy? So I feel my depression settling in, from my hormones, from canceled plans, from nothing outside being normal. Nothing interests me....tv, books, movies, games, everything just seems boring and like it would take much more energy than I have. 
Anyway, I just wondered if anyone felt this down, depressed feeling from feeling bombarded and out of whack.",not depression
dev_pid_3025,"The Wrong Reasons : **Heres a little thing I made called the wrong reasons** 
**I don't exactly know about the name I'm open to suggestions**
Lines appear on dark nights 
In quite houses from loud minds
Wishing they would go away with water
Covering with hoodies no matter the weather 
Learning knots for the wrong reasons 
Feeling bad not just because of the season
**If you understand what this means I hope your ok**",not depression
dev_pid_3026,Turns out i dont know a single fucking thing about love : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3027,"No one needs me : I don't see how I'm a necessary part of anyone's life. I've always just *been* here. I'm quiet, I don't add to conversations, why do you need me? The people who I'm close to in life see me as a burden. I annoy them when I speak and at other times, I'm  just there. I'm not a part of anything that will fall apart once I'm gone. What's the point of going forward in life if I hold everyone back?",not depression
dev_pid_3028,Sorry For Who I Am : Im sorry for who I am. I hate myself. I dont want to get help and take anymore meds. Im afraid I wont be myself anymore. But I hate myslelf. What the fuck is wrong with me?,not depression
dev_pid_3029,Just Random thoughts : Hello World,not depression
dev_pid_3030,Does anybody have any advice on how to deal with the short term memory loss that is linked to depression? : ,not depression
dev_pid_3031,20 year old single parent. Looking for a little help.. I feel ashamed to ask but I truly need it. My Snap is Cheyskye420 or you can just DM me. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3032,Dark place : I’m in such a dark place right now. I feel so tired I just want to give up.,not depression
dev_pid_3033,"The one time that I actually need to sleep, I can't. : When the anxiety isn't too bad, I can sleep at least two or three hours per night, and thanks to depression, I can lie in bed all day with no problem other than the usual aches and pains. 
Today, though, I just can't get any sleep. 
I have work in the morning. I have to get up in three hours. Yet I'm lying in bed counting the raindrops as they hit my window and the number of idle beeps that the smoke alarm makes. 
I hate that I'm like this.",not depression
dev_pid_3034,"My three years relationship ended and I can't calm myself : She broke up with me. I wasn't helping her with her problems, even tho I tried. I was just bad at this. She told me, that she was in relationship with me, not because she loved me, but she wanted to sacrifice herself, so noone will have such shitty boyfriend. I can't calm myself, I feel like I need to vomit. I am thinking about killing myself. She doesn't pick up her phones, and I can't go visit her, because she lives in other city",not depression
dev_pid_3035,"Should of never trusted him. : So a while back I decided that I wanted to move back to my home town which is half way across the country.
The reason being is that my sister's husband had past away from cancer leaving her and my 2 year old niece alone in this world. I suffer from severe depression and I realized that I wanted to be around the family and help her out, spoil and take care of my niece etc. 
During my planning to move back, my father offered me a job working for his construction company building, flipping and repairing houses.
I was pretty reluctant as my father and I don't have good history. But I did figure it would help me get settled in. I also was looking for a place to rent and was talking to my mother about a few places around the town. My father then suggested that I move into one of the houses that they haven't started on yet and wouldn't be working on for a year. He wanted me to work on the house in my spare time while also watching after the place to make sure that no one broke into it since they were storing tools and materials in the house. 
After thinking about it I decided to take him up on his offer and so I moved across the country and into the house. Set up my bed and unpacked the basic essentials. I decided to keep the rest of my stuff in the boxes as I didn't want to get dust on anything and because I was planing to move into another place during the summer. 
So I worked for my father and after the first payday he lets me know that his credit card info was stolen and someone took over $90,000. He says he can pay everyone but one person till he gets his insurance for the card taken care of, which should be done next week. He asked if he could just add the money on to my next pay check and would put it in the bank account. I'm thinking that I'm not hurting for money since I saved up for the move and had money in the bank for a few months. So I said ""Yeah that's fine"". It's family right...
So next pay check rolls around and no money gets deposited into my account. My father is across country taking care of business for a few days, I can't get a hold of him. I had worked a lot of over time helping him. 
After he flew back I went over to my parents house in the morning for breakfast and to talk with him. My mother was sitting down as I was grabbing some pancakes and I mention to him that I haven't been paid yet. My mom looked dumb founded and said ""you haven't been paid?"". She looked at my father giving him a look. She figured I was being paid. He then said ""I can't afford to pay you at the moment"". I asked him ""what do you mean you can't pay me, you said you would be putting the money in my account"". My mom then replied, ""I think you should stop working for him till he pays you"". I then said alright and finished eating before going back to the house that I was staying at and started looking for another job. 
My father stopped by the house later that afternoon and talked with me. He told me that I need to find another place to stay, I figured he wasn't happy that I mentioned he hadn't paid me in front of my mother and that she had talked to him. So I found a place to stay that night and brought some boxes over. Since I wouldn't be able to use the haul trailer till the weekend was over I left my bed and other stuff at the house. 
Early the next morning I headed over to the house to grab some more boxes and I notice a truck in the yard. I went inside the house and their was a stranger sleeping in my bed, using some of my stuff. I recognized him and he recognized me as we met along time ago. He was a old friend of my dads that worked with him at the mine decades ago. He got up and started talking to me over some coffee. He mention that he came back in town yesterday for a funeral and ran into my father. My Father then offered him a place at the house yesterday morning. He didn't know it was my bed as my father didn't mention it to him. He also mention that my father gave my money to my brother cause my brother was going through bankruptcy and need some extra cash to support the 5 kids. 
So that's it. Turns out my father kicked me out to give my bed to a old friend of his. Gave $5500 that he owed me to my brother. I later talked to my mother and she said that none of their info for any of their credit cards were ever stolen so he lied to me too. 
So I'm out $5500. Had to find another place to work and stay.",not depression
dev_pid_3036,"Finally figured out what to do with my life : I know this is only partially related to the sub, but heck, even if I die alone, I found out what is my purpose in life. Currently, I would like to get into screenwriting.
The only thing that I need to get rid of is living with my parents. It puts a very huge pressure on me, kills my creativity and I definitely need a place of my own. Literally, I cannot think straight. And I don't know where to go. Currently I am thinking about getting a flat in my home country, then maybe going abroad and attend a screenwriting course - the only problem with them is that they are too expensive.",not depression
dev_pid_3037,Another one : When you planned to be so productive with your day but ended up staying in your bed doing absolutely nothing,not depression
dev_pid_3038,"Religion and the death of god : I grow more and more sorrowful in learning about assertions science presents in the field of physics and its inference on our free will. As I approach certainty about the possibility of determinism, I grow worried about losing my sanity in the face of an inescapable reality. All the sense of meaning that I've been endowed with feels constructed by previous misconceptions about the real world, especially that I come from a religious Islamic background. I am sharing this to soothe the pain that comes with such a realization and hopefully find a community that shares the same type of existential pressures.",not depression
dev_pid_3039,People aren't really afraid of COVID-19.... : It's not corona people are afraid of its death people are afraid of.,not depression
dev_pid_3040,I secretly want to catch coronavirus....... : I could call in sick to work without any questions and of course there's a small chance it could kill me. Wins all around,not depression
dev_pid_3041,I need to clean my fucking room : And it’s pissing me off that I’m seemingly unable to. It’s already 3 AM.,not depression
dev_pid_3042,I find creation helps me heal. : I create when I am low and I think it is working.,not depression
dev_pid_3043,"I'm going to be better. : I started this year having just crawled out of a month-long hole, promised I would try everyday but actually ended up falling harder than I ever have and didn't leave my house much for 2 months - gained weight and falling further into debt as we speak. 
I have great moments where it's like - yes, finally, the darkness has been lifted! And honestly those are finnicky moments because before I know it I'm making up in the morning, really not wanting to try. I don't have a consistent support system and honestly, that's fine. I just want to get out of my hometown; away, and to live my life happily and fully. 
But it feels like I'm fighting ao hrd against the worst case scenario. I see myself on the streets; hungry and homeless, and I want the image to just stop bothering me. But anyway - since I've lost a whole bunch of pride and will... I'm going to be honest with everyone around me. I just want to feel brighter. 
Thank you for listening & have a good day.",not depression
dev_pid_3044,hurt by nine inch nails is sad : damn the lyrics tho its relatable a lot,not depression
dev_pid_3045,"My mom isn't leaving me alone : I can hardly do my own thing. She always tells me we must do this and that but it's stuff I don't enjoy. Whenever I say no she goes on about how I never wanna do what she does and I'll only do something if it benefits me. I don't think she understands depression, all I wanna do is sleep and I have no energy for anything. Am I wrong on how I feel?",not depression
dev_pid_3046,"You ever feel sad just from seeing other people happy? : It sounds fucked up but like, when i see people happy or having a good time, i just feel so empty inside. Especially like a nice couple or something that looks so happy and perfect together. That kind of stuff instantly just makes me feel lonely and empty. I wouldnt say jealousy, but i guess it also kinda is. Its not like i dont like happy people or dont want others to be happy. I want them to be happy and like to see them happy and live their best life, it just hurts at the same time.",not depression
dev_pid_3047,"I'm a 13 year old with an abusive father. : My dad has always treated me like shit but at the same time loved me. I'm confused. My father always says he loves me, but I don't feel like he does. He is abusive, Physically, and emotionally. I, at this point, just want to kill myself. I spend lots of time thinking about suicide. Now that I see others' conditions, I know I have it better than some, but I still feel like I have it worse than all. I know that everyone else matters. But I feel like I don't. I don't belong.",not depression
dev_pid_3048,"Exercises (not sport) : I found out there were exercises for today.
I haven't done any of them!
I should have.
But could have I?
I mean, yesterday I was unable to leave the bed even to go play.
I could have.
I didn't. 
I am bad.
Maybe I can do them now?
No.
Too little time.
They'd come out badly.
But that's better than not doing them, isn't it?
I don't know.",not depression
dev_pid_3049,"the school system is fucking dumb : we do virtual learning and i don't go to class because i'm depressed obviously and i just don't want to but they started taking attendance and sending me emails CoNstantly that i'm not going to class like fuck jesus stop it saying they need ""approval"" from my mom and teachers is bullshit dumb fucks. has switching schools ever been a good idea to someone?",not depression
dev_pid_3050,Confused : I feel numb and empty but at the same time I feel all the emotions. I’m confused. Everything seems so contradictory.,not depression
dev_pid_3051,what's the point of living if we're all gonna die : seriously.,not depression
dev_pid_3052,"Right this minute, I have taken myself out of college due to the coronavirus : I couldn’t bring myself to ring the college so my dad did it. Been off the past week told them I was ‘sick’ I was bullied all my childhood and never had many friends but college was the one place I fit in the teachers and students are all so kind. It felt like my home. 
When my dad rang them I heard my teachers voice and just cried. I’m crying right now as I’m writing this, I know it’s for the best and they probably will let me continue to study from home (they are ringing back later) but I also miss the social interaction. I know it can’t be helped but I’m feeling down and depressed right now. I know everyone is going through the same thing (and worse) but I just wanted to write this to vent...",not depression
dev_pid_3053,"Hope hurts : It hurts to much to hope for anything. Everyone gives me shit about it and says I’m making matters worse. They have no idea how much it hurts to hope just to be torn to shreds by life again and again. Had a mental breakdown last year around this time and attempted suicide and all that was because I dared to hope for the first time in a long time and then everything was destroyed. I’ve vowed never to hope like that again, because it will all come to nothing. Hope is stupid, but no one seems to get that.",not depression
dev_pid_3054,Anyone turn to faith? : I believe God is gifted at healing what you choose to hide the most.,not depression
dev_pid_3055,"Advice pls : I want to open up about the war in my mind that is killing me slowly, but I just can't. I need help because I can't win the war alone. I should add that I have anxiety and major trust issues. It's a good thing I'm aware I need help, however it just starts another war in my head when I put the fake smile on. Nobody in my life knows what i deal with everyday. So any advice helps, thanks. :)",not depression
dev_pid_3056,"Will anyone even read this?... : I mean, there are so many of us seeking some kind of help, or trying to reach out or just let it out. But how many of those attempts end up unnoticed? 
And I need to reach out as well. You see, I'm battling with inferiority complex for years. I feel like I'm not good enough, and those who even talk to me just waste their time, because they can spend their time with way better people or things than me. So, it comes as no surprise I never had a girlfriend. At least, not a official one. Even if I felt something to a girl, it didn't work out, because I'm just no good in every aspect. And so I stopped trying. Why would I? And lately, I met this one girl through one of the two people I dare to call friends, even if I don't understand why they still stick around. That guy is basically a complete opposite of me. He's attractice, funny, and always liked by basically everyone, and he is that kind of womanizer who can have any girl, do what he wants with her and then just leave her like that and find another. 
So basically, I started to spend time with this girl I met thanks to him. We were chatting on daily basis, went out many times, talked, and I felt good with her to my own surprise. And here I thought, maybe it's worth giving a shot. To try. And guess what? They went on a week long trip with that friend, he fucked her a couple times, and is not interested in a relationship with her. And here she go, crying what she did wrong, and why don't he love her. I tried to tell her, that I know how he works and what he does. She didn't listen. And me? I was never even an option for her. And I can't help but to be angry at myself for being so stupid and naive.
Someone shitty like me don't deserve love. I know what, yet I allowed myself a sliver of hope. Maybe I should made a different decision those years ago when it all could've end for me.",not depression
dev_pid_3057,I really don’t want to accept that I’m getting bad again : ,not depression
dev_pid_3058,"I’m pathetic, stupid, dumb, and incompetent. : This just the start. 
I’m useless. 
I’m a moron. 
I’m stupid. 
I’m pathetic. 
I’m worthless. 
I’m a burden. 
I’m incompetent. 
I’m dumb. 
I’m an idiot. 
I’m nothing. 
I’m a lazy fuck. 
I’m a douchbag. 
I’m trash. 
I’m hated. 
I’m friendless. 
I’m alone. 
I’m an embarrassment. 
I’m angry. 
I’m a mistake. 
I’m broken. 
I’m lonely. 
I’m ugly. 
I’m tired. 
I’m empty. 
I’m a loser. 
I’m the problem. 
I’m a quitter.  
I’m not good enough. 
I’m a mess. 
I’m annoying.
I’m a nobody. 
I’m. Useless.",not depression
dev_pid_3059,It's easier to say you can't go to work cus you're vomiting or something than just saying that today is a really bad day : Or week. Or month.,not depression
dev_pid_3060,"I like winter the most because it is sad and cold. : I like laying in my bed just listening to the rain, feeling nothing. I like being cold.
im tired.
how was your day/night?",not depression
dev_pid_3061,"Dealing with Depression during remote working : I'm a software developer working in Central London. Amid all of the Covid-19 fears, our small company has forced everyone to work remotely from today.
I'm currently discussing with the bosses, trying to stay working in the office (very few people on the Tube this morning, no one in office, I'm young and if I were to catch it I'd self-isolate). 
Personally, I don't enjoy working remotely. I like having a routine, an office to go to, a desk to sit at and the moment the morning commute, walking in the sun gives me that little bit of Vitamin D that I require to feel half decent.
How can I deal with this, I'm fairly certain my bosses will be happier if I work from home, and I understand their point. If I am forced to work from home (they suggest as a company, up to 3 months) then I'll be required to leave the house very little and could see myself becoming very depressed",not depression
dev_pid_3062,Someone to talk to : Does anyone just want to talk? Been feeling lonely lately and I'm sure some of you have too.,not depression
dev_pid_3063,"Emotions are tearing me apart. : **THIS IS MORE OF A VENT**                                                 For the past year or two ( I really don’t remember anymore or care to as it feels like a chore) I have felt hopelessly depressed but kept it to myself most of the time. Over that span of time I beat myself up over acting/feeling like an asshole. ( I was always either pissing people off or making them worried about me which is not what I wanted) I just recently found out that the girl I had been Vibin for has actually had feelings for me for a decent while and was comforting me during a time of need, telling me I wasn’t an asshole and that I was the kindest person she knew. That was the happiest I have felt in a long time. I feel a tiny bit better about myself now and really have had no one actually take any interest in me besides family. I now feel like the happiness I’m feeling is acting as a combatant to the depression and it’s tearing me apart, I feel like I’m going insane.",not depression
dev_pid_3064,"Because of the virus, I've been separated from my girlfriend for 2 weeks or more. It makes me sad and I miss her. : I hope it is not a wrong subreddit. I miss her and dread the thought the government might make us stsy at homes longer which is likely to happen. It's hard to sit still with her on my mind so often.",not depression
dev_pid_3065,"Hey guys, is this virus affecting your depression? : ",not depression
dev_pid_3066,"I think I just need someone to talk with : As it stands I have not close friends, like no one I talk to on a daily/weekly basis. I have a hard time putting myself out there with problems and emotions I have with the few friends I do have. I am unable to talk to my Wife about these things as I we are in a rough patch and more. If there is anyone kind enough to here my bullshit before things get worse, just DM me.",not depression
dev_pid_3067,"Monday : I slept good, but woke up earlier than I wanted. I’m expecting a chill day at work, but who knows...
I just finished a cup of coffee and my eyes dart to the 9mm I have out from cleaning yesterday. 
I have the urge",not depression
dev_pid_3068,"doxylamine and ringing ears : I have  a question
Has someone experienced tinnitus with doxylamine?",not depression
dev_pid_3069,"trazodone cold turkey quitting : I have quit trazodone cold  turkey  after  1  week  of  usage.  
After 3 days my left ear is ringing  non stop.  Is this  normal?",not depression
dev_pid_3070,It's always changing and it will never end. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3071,"Just a little vent, by little I mean a whole paragraph. : Someone told me to fix my body clock since I go to sleep at 1-3 in the morning every night, someone told me to get help because I was cutting and had so called ‘depression’. Why do I need to though, I don’t need to change and I don’t need help, I’m not an alien I’m a human going through something right now, don’t tell me that u haven’t had a point in your life where u have wanted to kill yourself, well if u haven’t it’s your turn next. I’m living this sad, stressful life knowing that I could die tomorrow and I really wouldn’t care less, every day I have to mask the ‘depressed‘ feelings with a smile, telling everyone and showing everyone I’m “okay”. Since I’m still here, still alive, u may tell that I have some sort of hope in me, that everything will change for the better, that I’ll have a better life in the future, if I have a future. I’m not saying “everything’s ok no need to be sad” I’m saying “it’s ok to be sad, not everything is gonna be okay, you’ve just got to have a little hope in life, that’s all”. A little meaning 10% out of 100. A lot of people didn’t have any hope and took their lives, but just know that that 10% is keeping u alive right now, so make the best of the hope u still have, maybe it’ll change something in the future. Have a little hope. But for now, my life’s still very glum. 😔",not depression
dev_pid_3072,"I feel like I’m just dragging them down. : I’m the unhappy one in the group. I’m the odd one out. 
My one friend who’s kept checking in on me has stopped trying. I don’t blame him, but damn, did it hurt. 
I just stay at home every day or go to the gym to try and distract myself from the ever growing pain. 
My friends don’t talk to me much anymore. I hate this fucking emptiness I feel, like an ebbing pain or something. I can’t describe it. I just don’t have the will to really live anymore.",not depression
dev_pid_3073,"Practicing self-isolation from my toxic family amid this virus : I honestly thought this extended family time would be super great, except it's really not, given that I'm the only one currently unemployed (even before this virus started) everyone pretty much thinks I'm that bum fucked-up failure and this whole stay at home thing has given my older sisters an even better opportunity to jab at me for just about anything they could randomly come up with, blaming me and being really snarky for every possible angle and opportunity. This is great. Really great. Nothing like 2months of slow and painful freefall into guilt, shame, and mediocrity.",not depression
dev_pid_3074,"""it's the same damm thing every Monday"" : That was my mom today when I said that I can't go to work, she is depressed too, but you know ""my pain is worse than yours"" I juts wish I OD on my pain medication, I have chronic pain, have problems on my spine, herniated discs some places didn't even have the disc anymore, I'm dieing of pain, but she refuses tho knowledge all of this...
It's 7am and I'm wishing to die, this isn't supposed to be life!",not depression
dev_pid_3075,Being depressed during the outbreak : I just gave up trying tbh. I order my groceries for times like this where im stuck isolating myself. I havent restocked groceries out of just not wanting to go out n run into people and not having the energy. Ordering groceries is unavailable. And the grocery store barely has groceries...guess im gonna just let nature take its course 😅😭,not depression
dev_pid_3076,Do you ever cringe at your old suicide notes? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3077,I can't wait for companies to finally respond to my job applications after 10+ weeks... : ... to tell me my application has been denied.,not depression
dev_pid_3078,I'm sad! I don't feel like studying anymore : Idk its common! But RT now I feel dumb. My mind is wandering I'm not able to study. I've no enthusiasm to learn. But I really want do well and graduate and do well in career! But I'm so lazy:( even if I sit for studying I'm overthinking.  I've no motivation to study :(,not depression
dev_pid_3079,"My life is miserable : The moment I wake up I quickly become sad because now I'll have to go to school  and stay there for 7 hours, I seriously hate it and after all this I come back home finally to rela..NO, now I'll have to sit 3 hrs to complete the homework. My tutor is abosultue piece of shit. He physically abuses me each day and gives tons of homework. I get humiliated each day, even on day off I can't relax because of him. This has been like for 4 months, I've lost my many interests, my mind is really unstable also my exams are in 15 days. It sucks",not depression
dev_pid_3080,"i’ve been taking consistent showers the last 2 weeks : i’m not sure what it is, maybe it’s seeing my curls come back or maybe i’m just sick of being a piece of shit, but i’ve been taking showers the last 2 weeks. either daily or every other day. it takes a lot of energy just doing basic shit but
fuck i’m just rambling
anyways that’s my win.
showers",not depression
dev_pid_3081,:) : Lately i've been pulling myself from the lower ground and i guess that is the most pathetic thing i have ever been.,not depression
dev_pid_3082,What is wrong with me : Ever since this whole corona situation has became a big thing I feel more happy and less sad wtf is wrong with me,not depression
dev_pid_3083,"finally feeling good : i haven’t cut myself in one week! it’s been hard with all this panic attacks, etc. but welp, i’m really proud of myself!",not depression
dev_pid_3084,"Happy Flower : Hi guys. Today my best friend gave me a flower that made me happy again. It was beautiful, but.....why do I need a flower to be happy?",not depression
dev_pid_3085,Corona virus sucks... not the way you think. : I have been depressed for close to 4 years and have been medicated and going to therapy for about 8 months. One part of my therapy type things is I was pushed to go out and be social or just get out of my house more. I go out every weekend with my boyfriend even if it’s to walk around the mall or go to a park. Now with my city/the whole US is on quarantine and already not going out one weekend is throwing me back into my depressive headset where I just sleep for hours. I never realized how much these little outings help me and I feel selfish for even feeling like my happiness is more important then all of the population at risk. I know the reason for these bans but I feel like I can’t be alone in feeling this way. The feeling of being trapped sucks and I hope all this is solved quick for all being involved and affect by this. Anyways stay safe and hope everyone is handling this better then me 💚,not depression
dev_pid_3086,"Ever seen your friend ignoring you : I always felt that I'm a waste of everyones time, always asking for forgiveness everytime I talk to them.
I always see them, not replying to my chats, but I see their post online, they talking to their other friends.
I always feel that I'm alone, seeing them better off without me, even happier without me.
The worst part about it, is that I saw them talking trash behind another ""Friend"" of them, but when they talk to each other, they talk normal.
And I'm really scared that, that is happening to me. 
Everytime I tell them that I'm depressed, they always say that their here, but whenever I'm good, or happy, or normal again, they leave and ignore me.",not depression
dev_pid_3087,"Suffocating in a sea of people that can breathe. : I remember an acquaintance of mine had depression, something that I wasn’t too sure if I had, but I’m just remembering what she posted on her social media at that time, “ having depression is like being trapped underwater, downing, suffocating, while everyone else is breathing.” I guess now that I think back to it, I kinda can understand it. It’s like looking and seeing how everyone else is able to carry on comfortably with their lives while you’re stuck where you are, not knowing where to go or how to go on even with a goal in mind. I just wanted to post to get my mind off things, and maybe just let y’all know about this. If any of you kind souls could who’ve managed to somehow “deal” with it, maybe you could hit me up to offer some advice. I’ll do my best to respond if I’m feeling up to it, so sorry in advance I may reply late or not at all, I just really need some help with this issue. I don’t know what to do about this anymore.",not depression
dev_pid_3088,Think its time to call it a day : Thoughts getting too much. Lifes a mess. I've just become everyone else's issue.,not depression
dev_pid_3089,"A feeling of perpetual and static unbelonging. : This is what these last days have been like, a sensation that tells me I am the odd, unfitting piece in every puzzle that exists. I don't have a world, a safe haven for myself, I let it all crumble. I feel like I have nothing to offer for my loved ones, workplace, or the world around me. All I do is consume resources and information like a black hole, still and indifferent. I often fantasized about ending it all, but all that did was make people upset, so I just quitted thinking about it too. 
I don't know why I'm posting this.",not depression
dev_pid_3090,"Stay with me, guys : Yo yo yo, just here to say that even if we're totally suicidal I'm sorry but we just cannot follow through with it. Please try and stay here with me and with us. We are a family, please no one off themselves tonight or ever. 
Depression is absolutely terrifying and if stops everything and it makes us crazy and it's unexplainable and no one will ever understand but please guys, stay with us here. ❤️",not depression
dev_pid_3091,"Social Distancing Upvote Party : We’ve been practicing this for a while, now it’s everyone’s turn!",not depression
dev_pid_3092,Robbed at gunpoint in the uk : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3093,"Dreams of demons killing me in my sleep : I don’t remember much else of the dream, just remember being in third person watching myself sleep, then this horrifying demon sat down next to my sleeping body, shot a sinister smile right at my third person view, then began relentlessly killing me, I woke up after a few seconds of it and it felt so real I started crying. Anyone else have dreams like this???",not depression
dev_pid_3094,There is nothing for me in this world no woman will ever love me because I am a 5'3 black male : ,not depression
dev_pid_3095,"Reoccuring thoughts because of old ""friend"" : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3096,Was just diagnosed with recurrent major depression. Still don't feel quite valid. : The imposter syndrome is real. Sigh,not depression
dev_pid_3097,"I moved and now I'm even worse : I've been quite stable during the last couple of months, a few bad days here and there, a couple of bad moments but nothing long or too serious. Last week, I moved out bc uni started and I fell down this dark hole really fast. I had trouble going to uni, talking to people instead of just isolating myself and I wasn't able to get anything done at all. When I came home for the weekend I slept over at my boyfriend's and I felt super weird, I felt super annoyed and isolated the whole time and when he asked if something was wrong or whether I was having a bad day I just told him no. When I drove home, I had to stop because I was crying so hard. I wasn't having suicidal thoughts but instead the thought ""This person would miss you for this reason and this person would miss you for this reason"" popped into my head, completely unprompted. Before, when I was really down, I couldn't cry because I just felt empty. Yesterday I picked a fight with my boyfriend and I got super mad and even more sad. We're  a bit in quarantine now here in Germany, meaning we don't have school/uni and all shops except for pharmacies, supermarkets and a few other places are closed and I feel really anxious bc I have to do all of the work for uni by myself while being like this.",not depression
dev_pid_3098,Anyone here been ribbed at gunpoint in UK : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3099,"i define my depression in that way that i have given up on myself. I have no sense of strong justice or great consideration for myself, which means when something happens to me, i really just want to die. How do you define yours? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3100,I've stopped expecting it will get better : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3101,"why is it so difficult to feel simply happy? : bc people judge me when i exude extreme happiness or when i am myself, i am always criticized for my character. you remember when you were free to be happy until people wont let you? 
for example, i remember how i was judged bc of my laugh.",not depression
dev_pid_3102,"Need help with a depressed family member! : Some background to start off with: My cousin is 14 and in recovery from an eating disorder (anorexia) and she’s become suicidal and severely depressed. It’s all she thinks and talks about. She’s attempted suicide before and had been in a children’s psych ward two times this year for about a month in total. I was present for one of these attempts. She’s tried multiple antidepressants at varying doses, mostly quite large ones but none have worked. She’s self harmed a lot, despite her access to anything remotely sharp being taken away she seems to find new ways of doing it using sand paper etc. 
I just don’t know how to help her. I’m 19 myself and have also experienced depression and suicidal thoughts but never to this extent. I try talk to her about looking for positive things etc but she’s not taking it in and I think my help seems cliche to her. I’m also studying in another county so I can’t physically be there. She isn’t left alone at home usually. Does anyone know how to help? I feel responsible for her life when she tells me about her feelings and it’s destroying me because I feel so helpless. I’m really close to her and she looks up to me to an extent. I remember when she was born and played with her/ looked after her a lot whilst growing up, so the idea of potentially having to attend her funeral sometime soon is crushing me. If anyone has any advice on how to preserve my own mental health through this that would also be greatly appreciated. I hope I don’t sound selfish mentioning myself so much, obviously the most pressing priority here is helping her. I’d appreciate any help and advice at all! Thanks :)",not depression
dev_pid_3103,"There is nothing worse than being a 22 year old male virgin : Why? Because when you have some kind terminal illness people atleast have sympathy for you. 
When you are a 22 year old male kissless virgin people are just disgusted by you, they'll think you're an incel. 
People don't take you seriously, they can't comprehend the immense pain male virgins like me have to go through everyday. If they knew, they would have more respect for people like me.
But instead all people can do is mock male virgins, society doesn't listen to male virgins their problems and their feelings. All they do is make us feel more insecure and inferior. 
Society just wants male virgins like me to die a painful death, dying of a heart attack because of the constant emotional pain.",not depression
dev_pid_3104,"I dont want to die : But i feel like i need to die
Because im scared of life
And i hate my life
Btw im 15 years old",not depression
dev_pid_3105,"I dont want to die : But i feel like i need to die
Btw im 15 years old",not depression
dev_pid_3106,"Fell in love again for a few moments! : For the first time in 7 or 8 years, i fell in love with a porn actress again while watching porn, just like i used to do when i was young watching porn. Yes i have a porn addicition problem that iv been trying to handle on and off for many years, but still, this is a great thing! I felt something very very good for the first time in what feels like forever! Like a bit of youth life struck inside of me for a minute. It was pretty pretttyyyyy good.",not depression
dev_pid_3107,"how would you feel if a friend just disappeared without saying goodbye ? : dear redditor , it's currently night time as i wrote this and it's also my first time ever posting on reddit nor letting out my feelings here so here goes nothing
i am that friend that want to disappear
ever since i was in 7th grade i always want to go far away from my country , i hate it back then and still is
I've always feel hollow. Not sad not mad just hollow
I'm always a people second choice , never had i even being a first pick. mostly because I'm gay i had rumour spread about me back then and it hurts but that's not what i want to talk
senior year of high school and it finally hits me
i have the chance to go overseas and never come back i had the chance to start a whole new life where i can finally be my true self. 
I had lots of fun , sad , angry , depressed and all of emotion in high school and I'm grateful for that.
i have a few friend , lots of acquittance and 2 best friend whom i can trust. 
now we are going to graduate soon but my ""hollowness"" still going strong , i had the feelings even if didn't say goodbye to my friend they wouldn't care at all as I'm ( again ) the background friend who just fill spot if it vacant , not to mention i just confessed my feeling to my good friend who in the same group of friend. i got rejected. it still stings even today but i have to smile through it all
 ( not a healthy coping mechanism but trust me it's all i got )
the rejection boost my hollowness to just cease and vanish , only to find out my crush is dating another friend in my group. it makes me feel even worthless 
I'm sorry for the long paragraph but i have to vent
If you were my friend how would you feel? would you look for me? would you still care for me? would you even remember me ? how does it feel if a friend of yours just disappeared totally ? ( Deactivated social media , changing phone number etc)
this sound so selfish i know , but a validation would be nice since I've been battling against myself all this time 
I'm sorry",not depression
dev_pid_3108,"I think I'm ready to call it a day (23m) : Hi all, I'm not quite sure how to start this, nor do I really know what I'm expecting from posting here, but I think I'm ready to give up.
I have pretty much lost all that I care about in the past few months, the woman I love broke up with me (due to many arguments, long distance and maybe other reasons I dont know). My best friend doesnt speak to me anymore, and I'm unemployed with honestly no idea as to where to go in my life and I dont even know if I want to.
Starting with the breakup, I dont think I'll be able to ever love again, she became my everything and I lost it all. Some days I find myself living through past memories as an escape from my situation at the moment because I cant help but miss her so much. She chose a life that didnt include me and I've taken it so personally even though everyone tells me not to. This happened 4 months ago and I'm nowhere near over it. I cant help but feel as if I was never going to be good enough for her and that I dont deserve to be with anyone better or be treated better, and it kills me. Maybe I deserve to be alone.
My best friend doesnt speak to me anymore and I'm broken over that too. I find myself in the house unable to do anything productive, thinking about suicide all the time and genuinely losing the will to get out of bed most days. I have always struggled being neurotic, but I've never been this low. The pain never stops, I wake up feeling shit about myself for losing my ex, for having no friends, not even a job at the moment. Even though I have a strong degree and work experience, I cant even do that. I dont know where to turn, what to do, and even how to get myself out of bed to help myself. The relationship with my parents has been deteriorating and they want me out of the house too, I just ruin everything and everyone.
I just got rejected from the job that I wanted today, which could've been my ticket out of this rut, but nope, again, I'm not good enough for that either and honestly it doesnt surprise me anymore. I know my ex is doing better than me, is probably happier than me and I'm a loser, I dont deserve to be happy. I want this all to end.
I have no hobbies, no personality or interests and I feel like it's so much better if I just vanish.
Sorry for the ramble, but I dont know what to even do anymore.
Tl;dr loser feeling sorry for himself over shit life",not depression
dev_pid_3109,Alone : I (28/f) just feel so lost in life and alone. I wish I had even one good friend.,not depression
dev_pid_3110,"This is the note I want to leave to my family, a work in progress. Does it make sense? : Don't try to comprehend why this happened. Since you knew nothing about me you would only come to false conclusions. My state of mind was far beyond anything you would recognize.
I spent years inside my own head consecutively thinking only about the bigger picture, so much so that everything in life became nothing but trivialities to me. I was apathetic towards life and everything felt like a chore. I had nothing to live for so I figured that I should take the next step and see what lies beyond this life. I saw the world from a profound perspective that rendered me incapable of focusing on living in a traditional sense. I was not motivated to live life in a way society would have wanted me to, I refused to be forced into a system that went against my nature. If I cannot live life the way I want to, then why should I live at all? The only world I can be happy in is one where I can play god and have everything my way. Why that is falls down to who I am as a person, I'm simply incapable of achieving happiness and a sense of satisfaction out of life. No matter how much I struggle to reach a peace of mind, I never will, not in this world where everything is based on uncertainty, where I am alone.
There are so many layers to this existence, we may never find the truth about our universe in life. No one knows why we are here, everyone just keep living in their own lies. They make up their own excuse for slaving away at their jobs, only to find joy in their hobbies and pleasures. You might say that some are fortunate enough to enjoy working at their jobs, but the truth is, humans never settle for ""good enough"". Regardless of whether or not they like their jobs, they always want more, because deep inside they are never satisfied with life. People need goals in life. Those who say they are satisfied with life are delusional, because they are not. The only reason they feel that way is because they have ambitions that they are working towards, and the progress and anticipation of reaching those goal is what gives them that feeling of satisfaction, the feeling of gaining more out of life. People who lack ambitions and goals in life become depressed and they feel hopeless unless they manage to find a reason to live again. I had ambitions but not even the thought of reaching my goals would make me happy, meaning I didn't get that satisfaction of progress and anticipation, so in reality those ambitions were nothing more than false hope. False hope that I would one day be happy if only I could reach those goals, but I was smarter than that, I realized that even after reaching those goals I'd still be left feeling empty and hopeless again because that is just who I was. To me everything was irrelevant and pointless, I cared only about the bigger picture. A classic case of existentialism some would say, except in my case I literally could not be happy in life no matter how hard I tried. The reason I was not happy in life wasn't because I lacked purpose, it was because nothing brought me enough joy and satisfaction to make my life worth it.
The fact that people are not actively looking for the truth baffled me. I could never be content living such an ignorant existence. Humans are not free, they are powerless. My quest was and is to find the truth and to achieve eternal happiness. Clearly I couldn't find it in life, that is why I took this step. I may never find it, but it it's worth moving on either way since I wasn't happy in life.
I hoped that you could at least gain some amount of understanding from this. I did love you all very much, and that is why this decision was harder than it should've been, I lived only for your sake. You were all I had. 
Goodbye.",not depression
dev_pid_3111,"Corona is not changing anything : My school has been closed down because of Corona and I’m basically stuck at home; but the thing that hits me the most is that I don’t see a substantial difference to any other day: I’m alone procrastinating, trying to make time pass somehow... It shows me how deep my depression runs. Anyone else who has experienced this?",not depression
dev_pid_3112,"Breakup Shame : So my college girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me because she didnt like being with me anymore, because i am a bit short tempered. She meant alot to me and its been 3 shitty months of me trying to cope with it. We had similar friend circle and now I dont feel like going out anymore. I avoid meeting my friends, make excuses even though i want to, because i feel ASHAMED for some reason. I feel ashamed that this happened in my life and cant accept it. Its affecting my relationship with my parents at home and with myself, as a human. I cant seem to find happiness being in this environment..",not depression
dev_pid_3113,"I feel done with life : The moments where I feel that there's nothing left to try are getting more present in my life
I fear where this will lead me",not depression
dev_pid_3114,How to tackle being a constant disappointment in your parents eyes. : I don't even know what else to type.,not depression
dev_pid_3115,Meth withdrawals : Hi guys so in a few days I’ve decided that imma try and stop myself from using meth and I need help because when I’m dealing with the withdrawals I need some advice on how I’m not gonna just go blow my brains out or go back out there and buy meth again. I can’t go back to detox or rehab as I cannot tell my parents I’ve been using.,not depression
dev_pid_3116,"Everything is shutting down and I don’t know what to do : I’m a full time student and a part time teacher for an after school elementary program where we teach music to kids. I’m in Washington State. 
My work AND school have both been shut down until further notice and it’s making me panic a little bit.
I have bills that need to be paid and I currently have no way to pay them. No one around me is hiring because of the outbreaks in nearby towns. 
My kids need our program. Not just the social interaction, but we’re the last stop for nutritious food before they head home. A lot of my kids are lower class, they’re surrounded by violence in their community, and they’re have one less thing in the day to look forward to. For some of them our program is whats keeping them safe. 
Music gives them something else and my mind is telling me that we’re not going to be able to come back from this. 
Without school how can I get a sense of productiveness? 
I’m terrified and I feel like this “social distancing” is going to start a spiral. I can’t work, I can’t go to school, I can’t pay bills, I can’t live. 
What can I do? Besides relentlessly cleaning and reading books? What can I do for work? How can I pay my bills? How can I feel secure?",not depression
dev_pid_3117,"My mum hates me: she says I am a failure and a mistake : Hello guys this is my first post here
So to give context, I am a 17 year old guy and have been on bad terms with my mum for the past 6 months
So it all started after holidays were I was tbh an asshole to them and didn’t appreciate what they planned for the holidays. I had a huge fight with my dad on this trip because I and my dad have nothing in common and can’t talk like normal people. They were very disappointed in me after this holidays. 
After the holidays my grades went down in school and I didn’t know what to do and haven’t told anyone yet. I have so much to do. I’ve also become a lot of migraines lately because of the stress.
Today my mum overreacted because I got confused about something. She started screaming at me and sayin am an idiot, I will not achieve anything in life and the worst that I am a mistake. I started crying and my sister came to support me. My mum tried to take my sister away and let me alone. While my sister was comforting me, my mum came into my room and started screaming at me again and saying I am a mistake.
Just now she came into my room and told me about consequences and that I will pay for everything I have done. This time I talked back to her and said that I will achieve something in life and that I will be never like her when I am a dad . I threw her out of my room.
I am aware that I haven’t been the best son ever. I almost never talk to them which makes them angry which I get. I’ve tried to improve but I feel like they never realize it and after a huge fight like this one I start from ground zero.
I need help. I am lost and scared.",not depression
dev_pid_3118,I am alone i wont live much.. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3119,"I think I’m finally feeling better and my medicine is working but the worst thing is quarantine because I have so much energy and motivation but can’t do anything for the next two weeks : So my question is, what are you usually doing when you’re feeling better but can’t really go outside? It’s not thaaat dangerous in my country since I live in the very wars of Europe, but still, better stay safe",not depression
dev_pid_3120,"Retiring from this sub, found the right medication dose and therapist. A little note. : You'll probably hate reading this because everything feels terrible right now. You feel like you're a burden no matter the circumstance. You feel less than empty, like you suck the good out of everything. I felt this way for so many years. 
But there might be a therapist (even via webchat) that wants to help you. There might be a medication that can be your crutch. There may be a dog or cat that motivates you to go outside and buy them food. But you won't know if you stay on the couch. I'm so sorry you have this illness. Please try to take the first step as I did.",not depression
dev_pid_3121,"Alone again. : Just venting. My uni has shut down and i am stuck at home. I feel even more disconnected from school than I already did.
On top of that, my FP has a new girl to talk to and i feel incredibly abandoned and alone. The one person I could go to is now gone.
The only thing i have done this “break” is hurt myself and sleep. Not meeting new people, not worrying about school, just drawing with sharp things. I want to disappear from everything.",not depression
dev_pid_3122,Anyone else pretty calm and relaxed over the plague? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3123,I want to kill myself but... : I can’t because I live with just my grandmother and if I’m gone theres not gonna be anyone to take care of her... but I don’t want to be here anymore.,not depression
dev_pid_3124,"Years later : Why am I dreaming of her almost 3 and half years later? A little back story,  I had a crush on this girl I met back when we were in 6th grade,  fast forward to my senior year of high school. I still like this girl 6 years later, I finally tell her that I like her,  well I tell her that I was in love with her. She didn't feel the same. I was heart broken,  completely devastated. Any way we graduate, and I go to college and meet a few new girls who I eventually start to have a crush on, mind you I didn't go back to school until a year and half later. But I started to heal and move on, I started to talk to new people and new girls (got rejected by all of them) but the point is I thought I moved on.  It felt like i did. I didn't even think of that girl from hs that I used to like, not at all. So why all this time later am I now thinking about her all the time? I've fr have 4 different dreams about her in the last month and a half.  And every time I wake up I almost cry because who knows why,  but I don't and my chest hurts from all this emotional pain over this.  I even went as far as to ask her years later why she turned me down. She says she never really saw me like that and only saw me as a friend. And I said I get it and completely understood and got my closure to put it lightly. So I got my answer. So why am I still dreaming about her and have feelings for her ? I thought I moved on,  it's been what feels like forever, a lot has happened to me , to make me a better person. I just don't know why I can't get over her. My mind wants to, my heart doesn't.",not depression
dev_pid_3125,Songs feel like they have different meanings now : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3126,"When everyone is counting for you to fail and is constantly reminding you how truly useless you are. How can I just ""be happy and work hard""? : I'm going to fail my exam again 
It's something I genuinely loved but I can't do it
I know I can't
I'm in an extremely bad position
Worst part is having your family yell at you all day telling you how you're no good and that they know you will fail that you're dumb and lazy and possibly gross and disgusting looking . I never knew why it matters what I look like to my parents but apparently it does. 
They liked me better when I was skinny and barely eating anything.",not depression
dev_pid_3127,"For the past week I've been in a really bad anxious depressive mood : I've struggled with anxiety my whole life, and depression for the past year, but these past several days I feel like I want to genuinely die. I can't escape though. I didn't realize how bad depression could actually get. I didn't think it could get worse. I hope this doesn't last.",not depression
dev_pid_3128,"Birthdays suck : 22F here, been suffering with depression for almost two years now. I've noticed that over the past few years, when my birthday comes around, I feel quite down and not at all like a celebration. If it were up to me, I probably wouldn't celebrate at all, but my parents are very big on the family topic and they always want to gather for such things. I don't want to be forced to sit at a table with some family, making awkward small talk and having them take pictures of me holding the stupid cake. How do I tell my family that I'd rather be alone on my birthday, because it's making me sad rather than the other way around?",not depression
dev_pid_3129,Help : I am 16 and my life is a mess. My dad doesn’t care about me and he doesn’t even understand the concept of having a career in the future. My mum keeps telling me I’m not capable of anything in this world and is saying that I should just give up on school. I don’t know how I can stop letting this get me down. I already feel like I’ve given up and people telling me I’m incapable is putting me on the edge. She just told me to forget about high school. 24/7 sadness is making this all worse too and I’m pretty sure I’ve developed something called derealisation after my mum started yelling at me one day. She changes moods in an instant?? She was talking normally the other day in the car and then started screaming out of nowhere at me?? I have no motivation anymore and can’t really go on,not depression
dev_pid_3130,"I don't know who I am. What is wrong with me? Am I just dumb? : I have no clue who I am or what I'm doing with my life. I don't truly know myself. I don't know what I like or dislike. I don't know what my values are. I have no opinions of my own.  I have no passions. I have no skills. I have no talents. I don't know anything about myself.  I don't even know what my dreams or goals are for my future.
This is so fucking scary and I need help.",not depression
dev_pid_3131,"Seeing a super motivated person felt like she needs help untill it stuck me that may be i need help! : I have been struggling from severe depression from almost a two years now. I have my super bad days and okay bad days and majority numb days.
So, I have super motivated colleague at my research laboratory. She generally puts out lot of motivational tips and liners to stay motivated. She keeps posters of positive energy and all these posters are just two arms distance from my table. The first time I read them I felt- may be she needs help, who would be so positive? And why would someone want to be so confident about themselves? For instance one of the liners says - ""don't be afraid of the audience, if you're on the stage and they are not there is a reason behind it. ""  
And then it stuck me, is it me or her? Is it me who needs help? That I can't find good in the motivational quotes or positive vibes posters? Or are they really cringe worthy?",not depression
dev_pid_3132,"Very Selfish Reason to Visit : I recently discovered Reddit and started finding wonderful ways of getting answers with crowd sourcing. Just like the internet in general, surely there are places I may want to avoid on Reddit. But so far it seems fine. I also stumbled upon this place (okay I was curious about a few things as to what other people think and did some search. People seem to give out honest opinions here). 
For very selfish reason I tend to visit here from time to time. You guys' sharing your suffering, it makes me feel better. There's this selfish feeling to see people in a worse place that makes me feel that at least I might be in a better shape, whether or not that's true. This is a very harsh and unfair comparison, but it's almost like looking at homeless people in the street and thinking okay at least I have home with a bed. 
Started to feel bad that I'm using you people suffering for my own good. I want to apologize but please do know that you did make one person feel a little better.",not depression
dev_pid_3133,"When you realize just how easily replaceable you are : Really, people are just my friends until they find cooler friends. One day, you're best friends and do everything together. The next, they're giving every possible excuse not to go out with you (but they sure have lots of time to go out with other people three times a week), or doing stuff together without you. 
And the worst thing is that I simply can't do the same! I can't just go on and forget all the things we went through together so easily. I really get attached to people in a way that's obviously not reciprocal.
The solution I found is the simplest one: just don't make any new friends. This way I can keep my self esteem at least stable. I'm tired of rejection.",not depression
dev_pid_3134,"Lifestyle Chanel : I was watching a series called my 600lb journey on one of our lifestyle Chanels. The emotional issues, self destructive patterns and helplessness these people face even when told it’s lose weight or die makes me want to tear up. One even keeps avoiding the doctor who is supposed to perform by-pass surgery cause she needs to lose weight in order to get the surgery.
Now I am watching another one who’s boyfriend just up and left her, just as she decides to lose weight. Life sucks!",not depression
dev_pid_3135,"Because if Corona, I'm losing all progress : I work at a hotel. We were the first ones to lose our hours. I might even lose my job. I have no savings because I live paycheck to paycheck. So I'm going to lose my apartment because I can't afford rent. I'm going to lose my car because it's not fully paid off. The gym has closed to promote social isolation. I can't even hang out in public to feel a part of something. The virus might not kill me, but my depression caused by the prevention tactics will...",not depression
dev_pid_3136,"So today is my birthday. My mom reached out to me yesterday afternoon about birthday plans. The depression is really tough today, and feeling worthless. : Hello! I hope everyone knows that you are loved.",not depression
dev_pid_3137,"Is double/triple messaging bad when the previous messages go unanswered? : I told my friend in person I'm sorry if I message her too much, she said it's no big deal
They told me they aren't good at texting.
I also tend to know they don't get out of bed often so I don't want that to be the case. I'll let them be for one day but I don't want it to be cyclic",not depression
dev_pid_3138,"A beautiful dream : I saw tied ropes that held meaning in their threads
A beautiful dream from which I was never awakened",not depression
dev_pid_3139,"6 YEAR PROGRESS : When I was 12, I was exposed to psychological bullying at school. I walked away from all my friends.  After a while I got depressed. I pulled myself out of people. During this period, I became friends with my depression. For some reason I did not want to get rid of it. I felt good with it ridiculously. At 14, I tried to harm myself. Then I realized how ridiculous it was.  During this time, my social anxiety started. My family was worried about me. I went to many psychologists, but I did not see any benefit. My mom refused me to use medication. I didn't want it either. Because everything was ending in my head. I struggled for years. I haven't been out for months. When I got on the subway, my heart was pounding and i was having trouble breathing. I don't remember how many times I got off from the subway and got into another one because it was crowded. I forgot how to talk to people.  My hands were shaking every time. After a while I got bored with this situation. People thought I was doing it to get attention. This made me feel like shit. I made some friends. They approached me first. Then I approached them without noticing. I went out with them. I started talking to people but still my hands were shaking. I showed my real personality to people.  I don't care what they think. If I got angry, I was making it clear. I just didn't show when I was upset. I am 18 years old now. I got rid of my depression. My social anxiety is over. I can now go public. I can talk to people. But I'm still not going out alone. I believe that this will also pass over time. All will pass over time, friends. We will all have a happy life eventually.",not depression
dev_pid_3140,"Suddenly anxious at work and it's making me hate everyone and everything. : In the past, I would be all smiles and excited to go to work with all of my coworkers. We've all seemed to get a long pretty well with no problems. Recently I've had some bad days with no known cause of what exactly is triggering these problems but I have a feeling it may have something to do with cliques in the workplace. It seems like recently I've been left out of most conversations now, no one really talks to me unless they absolutely need something and I'm left to do whatever I can by myself.
This has been going on for a few weeks now and I'm sure it's making this depression worse because they use to be my escape anytime I would have issues. My work has gotten sloppy and I simple don't want to wake up in the mornings anymore.
I understand that I really shouldn't care what other people think -or may think- about me, but I overthink everything and care pretty deeply about how people see me, unfortunately. Does anyone have any recommendations as to what I can do to get away from this feeling? 
Thank you.",not depression
dev_pid_3141,"And again I feel my strength vanishing : I just can't anymore. The thought of going to work and doing the exact same stuff like I did for a year made me cry nonstop for an hour. I can't leave this job until next year- before the Corona virus it might have been an option. 
I've planned everything for 5 years ahead but I feel I can barely make it until the weekend. I just want to be left alone and I feel myself losing interest in what I loved. 
I have to tell myself again and again that this is what I am, what makes me happy, what I'm good at. Normally. It's exhausting to continue being and just wish I could sleep forever.
I have nobody to tell, my family says I should be so very grateful because all they've had was worse. So in turn I try to avoid them as possible. And that makes me think I've failed as a human. I've failed my own goals, my family's, in no help for my friends and I have no idea what to do instead and I'm not brave enough to do Something crazy. I just want to stop to exist.",not depression
dev_pid_3142,"I'm the most insecure person I know : Yeah. I'm very insecure, low-life human being. I'm very complicated and sometimes I feel like I'm better off gone. Those people I truly love like my close friends, I secretly not like them because they have things better than me, I truly hate myself for thinking that way. 
My childhood is very bad and I would like to blame my parents on how bad they are in parenting. Look at what they did to me now. I am like this. I'm very insecure about myself and I dont have much confidence. Maybe if I grew up in a loving family, I wouldnt have such a shitty way of viewing life. 
It could just be that I'm having this feelings bc I am in my adolescence stage but I could do better if I didnt have this feelings blocking my way.",not depression
dev_pid_3143,"What Are We Men Lacking On When It Comes To Dating : Hey guys 
I was woundering as a young male what are the 2 biggest issues you’re dealing with when it comes to dating?  Please I'm trying to understand what it that we men have to work on.",not depression
dev_pid_3144,So I feel like I've hit rock bottom : I think I just want to get this off my chest. So over the weekend I had a bad episode. I had had a drink and when I past a knife in the kitchen I hurt myself before I even knew I had done it. My partner managed to patch me up and I ended up going out for a walk only to end up in a pub. One thing led to another and I managed to offend someone who decided to attack me while I was walking home. I feel ashamed and disappointed in my self. I not only hurt myself but I put myself in a dangerous situation which I never normal would have done. Hoping this will be the catalyst to getting the help I really need rather than thinking I can do it on my own because that clearly isn't working.,not depression
dev_pid_3145,"Now is a good time to take steps on that creative project you have been daydreaming about. : 
You're isolated, does not have to be perfect, you just have to take one step and test it out.
If it doesn't work, you don't have to show anybody.
You won't even be wasting your own time
Try it out :-)",not depression
dev_pid_3146,Do ever feel weird around people : I’m feel so happy when I’m around people. But when I’m alone that’s when the self hatred come out. When I’m at school I feel somewhat normal. I’m mean it’s better then being at home. I still feel it inside me but it’s a distraction for the most part. I also feel that people only like me because I’m funny. Nobody actually cares about me. I would ditch all my friends but if I do I will feel like shit. Also I can be around family but I always feel like I’m unwanted in the room. (Maybe it’s because I’m adopted). It’s weird relationship I have with people. Is this a normal thing to feel and think. I’m just really stirred up being on spring break.,not depression
dev_pid_3147,"The only time I'm relaxed, content and okay with life is when I'm high. Waking up to sober reality is such a massive bummer. : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3148,"I don't know who I am. What is wrong with me? Am I just dumb? : I have no clue who I am or what I'm doing with my life. I don't truly know myself. I don't know what I like or dislike. I don't know what my values are. I have no opinions of my own.  I have no passions. I have no skills. I have no talents. I don't know anything about myself.  I don't even know what my dreams or goals are for my future.
This is so fucking scary and I need help.",not depression
dev_pid_3149,Being a weakling parasite : Basically my scum bag parents were narcissus wow wanted to force a human being in there life or where ignorant either way ive been living of them and there drama being a weakling who cant make anything of it self and i dont even want to try because its like a lonely 9 to 5 intell i die so i just want to die i thini im going to kill myself but its like why even say anything  at all im bleeding out at the beach im literally to weak to function so i gald to leave nobody i liked was in my life so if theres a afterlife i wont be with anyone ....,not depression
dev_pid_3150,"little rant : I feel like I'm close to another little 'break down', it's the kind where I just scream and cry, curl up and just lie on the floor for a while. I have no idea if this is common for people (I'm still new to talking about this shit O.O). Anyhow, I've been depressed for as long as I remember and I was cutting myself for a long time but haven't in a little over 4 years or so. But lately the urge has been a bit too much, I won't lie, it's gotten easier over the years, because I really didn't want to add more scars (I FINALLY started wearing short sleeves and stuff out in public, maybe a year and a half ago).. It doesn't help I don't have any ganja, I live in the Netherlands and the 'coffeeshops' (I still don't know why they call it that, I probably looked it up once but forgot) have been forced to close down due to the pandemic, but ganja was working pretty well for me. Some strains made my anxiety or paranoia worse, or sometimes when I'd smoke too much, but at least 75% of the time it made me feel much calmer and helped me to enjoy my day at least a little, make things bearable.. I also have back pains and other random little pains that I can shrug off when I'm slightly stoned (I rarely get completely stoned, think I might have a high tolerance or something). So anyhow, that sucks. I quit drinking beer a few months ago because it became a problem and so now I'm down to only chocolate which is soooooort of comforting but I can eat an entire bar and then just feel like I'm ready to cry while also jumping all the way to the moon from the sugar rush (I eat very healthy stuff most of the time, so when I eat something chocolaty or sugary it's like.. WOOOOOSHHH!!). 
And don't get me started on the corona thing T\_T (don't worry, I got myself started anyway, this is a weird statement why do people make this.. why am I doing it?!) ... anyhow, all those damn idiots hoarding food and toilet paper, my boyfriend finally managed to find some toilet paper today and some dried red lentils (which is one of our staple foods) and it stresses me out so much.. and I worry one of these days we're going to be out of something and we have very little, we've been very low on money these past few months especially (we've never had a lot to spare anyway) and I'm always craving comfort foods and stuff that I can't have and to then run out of basic things is really unpleasant :( 
Also I just moved from Scotland (my boyfriend and I moved there initially and I was super hopeful and he got a cool job but then he quit and we quickly ran into money problems again and now we had to go back again because things weren't working out and blablabla) and my friends, the only real friends I've made in YEARS, are now all far away.. Two of them are still in the UK (one was going to India but now she couldn't because of virus stuff) and the other is somewhere super remote in Norway (good for him though, I think) and I really miss them every day and I'm not on any social media, I don't have a phone, I only use email (I just recently started posting here on Reddit out of sheer desperation, hi...) to talk to my mom (I don't call my parents cus I rrrrrreeeeaaaally hate phones and especially talking on a phone) so I've been extra lonely.. my boyfriend has to work a lot, especially now because co-workers are getting sick and taking extra measures not to infect people.. because he works with sick kids and nobody can risk infecting them which is another worry of mine! I'm so scared he's gonna catch the virus from some random person in the supermarket or something and then spread it to the kids without knowing it and they could die from it and I honestly don't know if I could live with that..
On the bright side, he won't get it from me.. I haven't left the house in weeks, months(?) I don't even know.. I went outside with him, a few weeks ago, to go to the stores.. and I think we went for a walk in the woods once.. Today I stood out in the garden for a few minutes.. but sometimes I get so nervous or scared or both for no good reason that I don't even like being near the windows where people could possibly see me. 
I'm turning 31 next month... I thought my last birthday was somewhat of a miracle because I used to say I wouldn't make it past 30.. But also.. we arrived in Scotland on my birthday (I even had cake, yay!) and I was so hopeful and optimistic about everything.. Before we left I made some good changes, I was eating well, lifting weights, I was growing my hair and my beard (yeah, I'm a boy, lemme know if I surprised you, cus that might make me smile) both of which were very bushy and full and then I got sick, a week (maybe two at most) after we arrived and was stuck in bed for a whole week or something and it was awful and I fell back into my old habits soon after that. It all went downhill from there. I shaved my beard because it became very annoying while I was sick and struggled to eat, later that year I also cut my long hair after my boyfriend's mother commented on my grey hairs (why do people insist on pointing that out?!) and while I used the excuse of ''I wanted to try short hair'' and told everyone that I would have regretted not cutting it also (which is partly true).. I miss my long hair so much.. it was almost at the longest length I've had before and I really wanted to go beyond that.. 
Another random annoying thing; my twitchy eye has returned, it started a few years ago and came and went, but it's back now and it really bugs me.. always my right eye, feels like it's the lower right corner but I'm not entirely sure (haven't really bothered looking in the mirror, cus I don't like looking in the mirror half the time ofc).. 
Anyhow, I gotta eat dinner now and this is probably not a ''little'' rant and I might delete it or whatever later if that's possible.. but I expect it to be buried below the other posts and that's fine with me.. honestly, even if people comment (hi again), what exactly is that going to do for me? I'm too much of a hermit, maybe I'll leave it on as a form of exposure therapy.",not depression
dev_pid_3151,Trying really hard to contract this virus : Two weeks of being able to stay home and not talk to anyone sounds incredible. Physical pain is so much better than constant emotional struggle. Even better if it killed me. Wishful thinking,not depression
dev_pid_3152,I just lost my job : I live in Washington state. I'm a server and our governor close all restaurants and bars due to the coronavirus. I was already feeling so defeated. Every time I get back up something pushes me down. We had just caught up on our bills and were starting to make money when business started to slow. Then my workplace put out a deal that brought in customers and the tip was based off of the original total so I was really excited. We actually got kind of busy. Then the governor closed the restaurants and bars. I know this is for the safety and well-being of everyone around me. But I'm so scared now that I'm not going to be able to pay my bills. I have to apply for unemployment and try and find another job when no where is going to hire me because of this stupid virus. Why is this happening? I don't know what else to do. I feel so defeated. I hope somehow my apartments waive rent for this month. Maybe I will at least be able to land another job by time the next months rent is due. I could really use kind words and idea on how to maybe get a job when times are so hard. I just don't see the light at the end of this tunnel.,not depression
dev_pid_3153,Does anyone else get sad or upset by seeing anyone who is happy and enjoying life. Is anyone else unable to be happy for other people? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3154,Anyone else here secretly wanting to die due to corona ? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3155,I'm so ashamed. : I can't just go to work all the time like everyone else and I have to burden my family.,not depression
dev_pid_3156,Someone to talk to? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3157,"confessions of a depressed comic discussion : [confessions of a depressed comic ](https://www.ted.com/talks/kevin_breel_confessions_of_a_depressed_comic/up-next?language=en)
has anyone watched this? thoughts? this was so moving to me and i recommend it to everyone!",not depression
dev_pid_3158,"I'm sad : I'm sad 
I'm demotivated 
I'm down 
People keep on bullying me for being fat but I can't stop eating. I'm not gaining weight but I'm not losing either and people are so inconsiderate.
Even people who want to give 'suggestions' like hey man eat less, it's so rude and dissapointing. I want to just talk to someone",not depression
dev_pid_3159,"Am i actually depressed or am i telling myself i am? : i've been at a loss for a few weeks now. something minor at home kinda pushed me over the edge where i've sorta just given up trying. i'm tired of putting on a happy front for people, i'm tired of having to be there for everybody when very few do the same for me.
i don't have any reason to feel the way i do - i've got a good job, good friends so i feel bad for sounding selfish. i don't know how to tell anybody, and i'm at my wit's end of having people come up to me and say i'm ""not my usual cheery self""
so am i just telling myself i'm experiencing a bit of depression as a vehicle for self pity?",not depression
dev_pid_3160,"Does any one else only watch/read fantasy because watching everyday situations makes you feel shit? : Basically fantasy and Sci fi books, TV and games are my only escape. Watching their adventures that are so unique is soothing me me. And the things that are concerning to them don't exist in this world.
I find with anythjng else, I just feel either depressed my life isn't as good, or shout or them for thinking their life is that bad, or scoff at the triviality of the situation.",not depression
dev_pid_3161,my mood changes so quickly i don’t think it’s normal : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3162,"in the end, it never mattered : so what if no one understands exactly how im feeling, so what if i dont want to tell anyone exactly how im feeling, so what if i want to neglect the fact that im still broken inside, all i need to do is to just put up a convincing front, all i need to do is to not kill the atmosphere, then everything will be fine... definitely",not depression
dev_pid_3163,"Tired of being alone : My old solitary ways have come to have its consequences, I feel as though I am starving for a change, and though this may seem a little crazy, I am hoping the internet will do its magic and bring something out of the usual. I am a twenty five year old fella from Texas, and that is just a warning that a lot of me is more old fashioned than anything else. I like my good old cup of coffee, with some Beatles in the background and some poetry to take over my thoughts. Though there is a modern side to me, I spend too much of my time gaming and I wouldn't mind a player two. Out of all things, I would like someone to drive me crazy. Chit chat along the way, learn a thing or two from the other, make few mistakes along the way but learning from them. I want to make the most out of my day, and I am sure a good old fashioned pal wouldn't fail any less to enrich that day.",not depression
dev_pid_3164,COVID has everyone complaining about self isolation : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3165,"I'm sick of being sad : I doubt anyone will read this, or that anyone out there will care. I just want someone to say hi, and that not everybody hates me, and this doesn't have to be the end.",not depression
dev_pid_3166,"If a friend says she's ok despite things beyond her control causing her anxiety : My friend talks to me via text, on-and-off. But as soon as I suggest meeting she just stops replying, leaving me on read. 
I'm not sure what to do, am I bad for suggesting activities to do/spending time together to hopefully help her or distract her from her situation?",not depression
dev_pid_3167,"Someone just hack my accounts : My different game account has bien hacked(steam, Riot, Ea, Blizzard....) i have nothing left to play ,i am stuck at homme (the virus). Beeing bored give me suicidal ideas, i start mutilation and its just the first day.",not depression
dev_pid_3168,"I don't know who I am. Am I too far gone? What is wrong with me? : I have no clue who I am or what I'm doing with my life. I don't truly know myself. I don't know what I like or dislike. I don't know what my values are. I have no opinions of my own.  I have no passions. I have no skills. I have no talents. I don't know anything about myself.  I don't even know what my dreams or goals are for my future.
This is scary as hell and I need help.",not depression
dev_pid_3169,I don’t even think I’m depressed I think it’s just that life fucking sucks : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3170,"... : You're so... Unremarkable... Untalented... Your self value is so low that it noticeable. You can see it in the way you dress, the way you walk, the way you look... You hate yourself, but you don't do anything about it. You bring yourself down lower and lower. It's like you like being there. In that pit... Why don't you just... Dissapear",not depression
dev_pid_3171,Everything I do feels pointless. Help me overcome this feeling : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3172,"Stress has been acting up. : I almost couldn't get any sleep last night. More stress means me going to pee at night even when it's not necessary if I feel the slightest bit of pressure. I even felt a bit uncomfortable.
Earlier today I felt tired, apathetic and worthless, I almost couldn't get up from my PC to clean up my space and shower up. Although showering has helped me feel slightly better, dehydration wasn't helping, so I may as well drink plenty of fluids or I may get another mental breakdown. Having a mental breakdown gives me what I call a ""invisible headache"".",not depression
dev_pid_3173,"Wedding cancelled : Planning it was hard for me. Stress. Anxiety. Hurtful comments from my fiance's mother. But it was happening in 3 weeks. It was going to be the only time I wouldn't feel invisible and unimportant and ugly to everyone outside my bubble. 
But the virus cancelled it. It's gone. And most of our money spent on the wedding instead of on moving out of my mom's house, gone.
Money gone, wedding gone, the cash gifts we were hoping to save for a house, for kids, gone. All gone. All that is left is the shadow of what was supposed to be the light in the darkness of my life. 
I wish it was enough to just be in love with my SO. But we have nothing. We can't have kids without a place to live. I should have known that I would never have a wedding like a normal woman. I was so stupid for thinking this would be anything different than the series of fuck ups that is my life.",not depression
dev_pid_3174,"You ever feel like you just don’t deserve anyone ? : I’m (26m) recently got a felony for possession of mushrooms , had to move back in with my dad , business failed , not particularly attractive ,I feel like nobody is going to want to date a failure like me . 
Is it just me or is this actually disqualifying stuff I need to work on before I get back into the dating scene ?",not depression
dev_pid_3175,"Feeling stuck, trapped and alone : During the last 10 years, I've worked about 3. I've had to come back from a hanging attempt, hospitalisation and the realisation my family didn't care. So I ditched them
I got back into my career and things seemed possible for a while, then I was evicted due landlord selling up, unexpectedly dragged into my father's death by my extended family and fired by email from a hostile new job, when I was off sick with stress. 
That knocked me over again and pretty much killed off any remaining trust in people.
Even my cousin is uncaring, very well-paid job, fancy Audi and I never hear from her.
After a few more years of therapy, I was offered jobs again, I chose one that required relocating. Lodged with someone for a few months who was super controlling and I've ended up in a run-down houseshare I'm contracted in until July. I don't sleep well
The new job sucks, I'm surrounded by selfish, dysfunctional people working for a government agency. The whole things been a waste of time and my mental health is worse now than when I was on sickness benefits. I was looking forward to a fresh start and it's been such a huge disappointment. I'm 47 and after pulling myself back from the dead 9 years ago, the last few years have just robbed me of everything. 
I've literally got one friend left on this entire planet and they live in Berlin.
Over 20 years of therapy and part-qualified in counseling and all I can honestly say after all my efforts in life is that most people are so fucked up they don't even know how fucked up they are. So they go around fucking everyone else up in their arrogant ignorance.
I have no reason to trust people anymore, I doubt I've ever met many people who were worthy of trust and I feel they are in the minority.",not depression
dev_pid_3176,Childhood Abuse Survivor turned Trauma Informed Life Coach for other Survivors of Domestic Abuse -- Free Resources : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3177,"Dealing with chest pain : The past few days I have struggled a lot with persistent, quite debilitating chest pain due to my depressive episode. I have a doctors appointment next week, but I need some advice on how I can relieve some of the pain? I am already trying to distract myself, massaging, moving around but nothing really helps for a prolonged period of time.",not depression
dev_pid_3178,"situation : loneliness.
emptiness.
guilt.
wrapped in comforter.
not hungry from stress.
broken feelings.
empty heart.
does it ever stop ?
is this life ?",not depression
dev_pid_3179,"I really hate everything about me and my life and the people around me. : Not handsom.
Not intelligence.
Not rich.
Fucked up family that I hate.
Depressed.
Socially anxious and awkward.
Not skillful In anything.
I just want to fucking sleep forever and not wake up again.",not depression
dev_pid_3180,"I've been thinking : might as well finish myself off I already have scars all over my stupid disgusting body I can't take it anymore essentially I've barely even lived a life I never experienced all the things a typical American teenager goes through love, friends, hanging out or whatever I don't know because I don't have a life, I don't want to disclose my exact  age out in the open but I've literally done nothing with my life neither do I even enjoy living because it's always the same miserable day the moment I realized how worthless and insignificant I am. I don't know what to expect but I just really wish I had died when I hung myself. It's just the same lonely, depressing day over and over again and it just keeps getting worse and worse with all these stupid responsibilities and how I never will have that free time or chance to at least make up for not even being s normal person",not depression
dev_pid_3181,What does your daily life look like? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3182,"Trying to meet with a friend only to get declined/told no : My friend is / has the clinical version of depression. We both tend to keep to ourselves and factors beyond this pandemic/stay inside thing has work, where we primarily converse, furloughed.
I've been attempting to meet but they say not now and I'm feeling kinda bad. I'm hoping things are ok, given that they are responding but giving how they told me they dealt with things in the past, withdrawing mostly, I sorta want to make sure that doesn't happen again. 
How do I push the issue, despite the morale/feeling bad? I don't even care if we don't talk, just want to keep them company though I don't know how to support them (or rather I know I shouldn't try to fix their problems)",not depression
dev_pid_3183,"I wish : I wish I could meet all of you and just spend a day with a person who would understand me...
Being on the internet is not enough honestly.
Why am I so immature, just want to hug someone whom I could trust...",not depression
dev_pid_3184,Can you sleep at night when you're in depression even after having tons of sleeping aids : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3185,"COVID-19 and social isolation-scared of it ruining my progress? : Is anyone else nervous about their depression/progress with dealing with depression due to the social changes the virus is bringing?
All my classes got cancelled for two weeks and it looks like the rest will be online.  My job was supposed to be at a daycare that is now shut down for the foreseeable future.  A lot of my progress I have made is due to these social situations and responsibilities that occupy my time and let me feel successful about myself.
I am so nervous for how being in (basically) social isolation is going to affect me.  I have made progress but a lot of that progress is built upon things that are now being taken away.
I completely agree with the reasoning behind these changes and know they are incredibly important.  I also know other people are in worse scenarios and situations than me and I feel selfish complaining about this.  But I really can’t go back to the place I was at before-I don’t feel I have the strength to do it again.
Anyone else relate? Have suggestions? I think I am going to make a to do list or something to keep me occupied.  Stay healthy everyone.",not depression
dev_pid_3186,Corona is fucking me so hard rn and it's not with consent : I just started to change into a person who enjoys social conduct and uses it do battle depressive episodes and now there's gonna be a curfew and bars are closed and everything and I feel so trapped at home. It has really come at the worst possible fucking time. 😡😡 Corona is a big stinky,not depression
dev_pid_3187,"Lonely : I’m with my friend we have been chilling all day, but I’m still lonely. I have no partner/boyfriend and sometimes that makes me feel very lonely. I know it’s not a big deal but I have never had a serious relationship, while a lot of my friends are. I just feel a melancholy, sad, tired. I just crave touch and something to love and connect with. I told my friend I’d hang out with her but I don’t feel like it anymore. I fight a lump in my throat, I don’t want my friend to see my sad right now. Might try and smack the pen n get high",not depression
dev_pid_3188,"So I’m supposed to be on this retreat... : I’m three hours from home, with my mom. I’m 16, medicated for bipolar disorder for a year in April. Because I’m having a rough time and everything is making me feel worse about myself, my mom decided to try and help me by taking me to a cabin, for our so called retreat. Anyway- she called me a quitter and now I’m not leaving my room. 
This is my rant- sorry if it wasted your time.",not depression
dev_pid_3189,"Why? : I don't know. my life is good enough and i'm surrounded by love and support. However, my brain won't let that sink in...
every morning and every night i feel alone and lost, nothing to breathe for and no one to live for. sure my family would be sad and my friends would be upset for a while. but who cares?
it's my problem and yes i let them in and try to help me but nothing helps. the therapy, the meds, the love, the support; not one thing helps me 
i live for momentary joy but i can honestly say i have not been happy for the last 5 years of my life. everything is dark and not even a partner would help, i just don't care anymore. apathy is my only friend",not depression
dev_pid_3190,"I hate going out with friends : I’m basically just doing it for them because I don’t wanna be rude or a bitch. My social battery just runs out so quickly and I feel like I have to act when I’m with them. Hanging out and talking to them is just so exhausting, they’re not bad people they’re amazing, but I just feel like shit whenever I’m with them, probably jealousy or whatever. I don’t even do anything when I am there, I just laugh and try to be interested in what they’re saying, I never have anything to contribute to the conversation.",not depression
dev_pid_3191,I’m going to stop reading news now. I don’t know why the virus never really scared me much before but I think it’s just the whole aspect of bad news that’s really getting to me and feeding anxiety & panic and paranoia... : But I also mean bad news in all other trigger forms... sexual harassment/assault/racism.... sigh.... why am I fated like this,not depression
dev_pid_3192,"Isolated : During February until now  I have been locked up in my room and my dad just took everything I that makes me keep going (Books Discs Computer and some of my artbooks) I just wanna this shit to end .
My mind is just totally broken. The only things I have is my phone, clothes and my bed. I don't what to do.
Help",not depression
dev_pid_3193,"Time doesn’t heal all wounds : It been a year and a few months since the break up with this girl. Im a whole different person and I’m stuck in the pass. I’m dating someone else but it not the same. I don’t think I could ever even be happy and in love. That first love was everything to me. I hurt knowing that girl move on. I start being so depressed. However, I don’t know if I’m depressed or I’m just so empty. I’m not sad where I am but I’m not happy. I’m just waiting waiting for something. It like something that died inside of me. I wish I could feel special again or feel something again. Oh please I’m not alive and I want to be alive again.",not depression
dev_pid_3194,I'm an abomination of nature. I need to naturally select myself. : I'm not supposed to be alive. I'm incompatible with society. There isn't a single niche I fit into. I give nothing to the world. I'm a waste of oxygen. For the good of myself and everyone else I NEED to die.,not depression
dev_pid_3195,İ don't know what the fuck is going on : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3196,"Just some rambling. : This is my first time posting on here, or reaching out in general. I don't know if this is the exact correct subreddit, but here it goes. 
I've had trouble with feelings of depression since I was in middle school, but have generally been able to function. I would slip on a mask of the guy everyone expected and just force myself through the motions. I've gotten pretty good at faking most emotional responses, appearing happy and engaged when I was absolutely dispassionate about situations that I ""should enjoy"" like being out with friends or going to concerts. This wasn't a fix for my mental state, and I knew that it was just bottling it up, but the few times I tried to talk either to parents or teachers about it I was told to just deal with it, man up, or some other shitty line.
I'm in my mid 20s now, and I've just been having a harder and harder time keeping going. I've started to have some suicidal inclinations, enough so that I left my gun at my father's house. I'm enjoying my hobbies less and less, and even spending time with my girlfriend has become difficult. 
I don't really know what I'm looking for, or how i expect this to help me in any way. I just felt like maybe saying this stuff in some form, even on the internet, might help me keep from feeling so damn bottled up and empty. 
To anyone that read this, thank you.",not depression
dev_pid_3197,Pls don’t kill yourself : I think my plan of drinking myself to death actually worked. It sucks because I didn’t realize how much I mattered before this. I felt like a waste of space and like I hurt everyone around me. But I actually wasn’t and I didn’t. Idk what to say to help you feel better but you probably make more of an impact than you realize,not depression
dev_pid_3198,"Anybody actually feel a bit better b/c of the coronavirus? : Now I have a valid excuse to not leave my house or do anything during the weekend.
I've been in a depressive rut the past year. While I was still able to keep a job, I never went out during the weekends because of my anxiety. And I would also always get really anxious whenever anybody at work asks me about my weekend because I don't want them to know I haven't done anything social in months. So I would always lie.
Now with working from homes and social distancing, I honestly don't hate myself as much as I did before. Since staying home is what I should be doing.",not depression
dev_pid_3199,"Give me a reason to live man : What are some actually good reasons to live. I used to think that having genuine relationships with people and my parents would make me want to live. But those people have gotten tired of me, have called me selfish for being depressed and trying to isolate myself, and have left and judged me. I thought my parents loved me, but they now tell me to stop bothering them and just commit suicide quietly. They tell me they’re tired of my shit and to stop being a parasite. I don’t have any close friends anymore so that’s out the window. No one really cared about me in the first place anyway. None of the hobbies I used to enjoy make me happy anymore. I used to like playing tennis, but after not playing for a long time, I suck lol. In the middle of a tennis game, I actually had a mental breakdown and started crying because it was so boring. I used to like reading too but now it bores my mind and I can’t concentrate for more than 5 minutes. Now, I just spend my days watching Youtube and watching movies and sleeping most of the day so that time will pass. I used to go to church and I would feel somewhat okay but one church member verbally abused me and so I stopped going because I was hurt from their words. I think food is the only thing that makes me happy so I usually stuff my face with it. Even though, I know I’m full and it hurts to eat more, I usually just shove more food in my mouth so I can feel the chemicals entering my brain to make me feel good.  I tell myself I’m living for the future because I want to go to PA school but I doubt that I’ll ever be able to go back to normal again enough to study and get through the stress of school without dropping out. I think about killing myself everyday now but I want to make sure that I properly die and without being left disabled or permanently damaged. There’s no painless way of dying it seems. I’m too scared to check myself into the hospital again because the last time was traumatic and I’m afraid I’ll get coronavirus. I heard there was a patient with it in the hospital and they died. Someone please give me a reason to live.",not depression
dev_pid_3200,Does anyone want to talk and help make the loneliness fade? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3201,I never wanted to admit this but I need help : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3202,"So lost and confused with myself. Never usually reach out for help, but I've gotten to a point in my life im just so lost..... : In the 28 years of life that i have lived, i have been through hell after hell. Now, dont get me wrong, there are probably millions of people that have it worse off than i do. Its just that after constantly being crushed down, manipulated, abused, and more recently having your only kid taken away for no reason. 
I have had depression for the majority of my life. Being put on drugs as a kid, beaten when out of line, bullied in every single school i went to and there were quite a few because my parents moved around alot growing up so never really had a set school. Never had my first relationship till 21 which lasted for a year and a half. She broke up with me after beating me in a hotel room, and when i went to cops with pics, texts, evidence out the arse, etc., they too laughed at me because im a man. 2nd relationship i was cheated on for the entirety of the 8 months with her ""best friend"". The last one i had was just over a year. Lived together before we started dating, ended up feeling she was the one and proposed (never really liked marriage but for her i wanted it) she then got pregnant with my only child and has, since 2nd month of pregnancy, made my life miserable and broke me in ways i cant even explain (really, really long story of manipulation, heart break, and trauma). 
Including all of my family life, personal life, relationship life, i have never been the one for revenge, or wishing death upon anyone. Ive always been the ""give you the shirt off my back"" kind of person, even if i dont know you. I always treated everyone (family, friends, lovers, strangers) with my utmost respect and always did everything i could in between to have a good life and be happy but its gotten to a point now where everything around me has crumbled down and i have a pain and emptiness inside of me i have never had before. I honestly feel so lost and feel my life is slipping away and nothing i do or try to do is pulling it back.
If you read this novel of a ""life story"" i wrote, i really do appreciate it, and any advice or ""tips"" i can get to shine some light on this never ending darkness would be very helpful. Again, thank you so much for taking the time, i know it was alot <3",not depression
dev_pid_3203,"I hate the sound of my own voice : For a group project I had to interview someone, and playing back the recording is unbearable. My voice sounds so fucking nasally and pathetic, I feel even more worthless now. Fuck, no girl would ever want to go out with a guy who sounds like that. People must think I'm fucking disabled it sounds so bad. Holy fuck. I want to fucking kill myself right this second, I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear. I'm a completely inferior being in every fucking way. Please someone tell me other people don't hear me that way?",not depression
dev_pid_3204,"Help me : My best friend is extremely suicidal. 
He puts all his worries on me, nearly every day he talks about wanting to die and hating himself. 
He doesn’t believe that i love him, and he always gets mad at himself because he thinks i hate him. 
I have told my school , my counsellor , they have done nothing. 
It is extremely stressful and i have regular panic attacks because of it, i lose sleep, i cry a lot. I even got diagnosed with anxiety because of the amount of stress it put me under and the way it changed my thought pattern. 
How do I stop him doing it or tell him it stresses me out without him blaming himself and not talking to me- that’s happened before. I know it sound selfish but i wish he would think about what it does to me at least once 
Thanks in advance i really need help",not depression
dev_pid_3205,"I don’t need a long post to get help, I’d just like it : Before I decided to post in this subreddit I thought it would be best to type out my post in notes, you know to make it nice, but halfway through my eloquently worded post I thought: 
“Why the fuck am I doing this?”
It’s crude but it was what I really thought. So here’s my plight in the simplest terms.
I’m nearing my 18th birthday and under a strange string of random circumstances I came to meeting up with a girl for coffee since she was having relationship issues. Now this girl is absolutely 10/10; funny, cute and laughs at my jokes. 
What’s stupid about this is that we both used to have crushes on each other in year 7 (that’s 6th grade for Americans and others). Back then I crushed on her so hard and we seemed to vibe really well but it seems that I didn’t quite pick up on that with my immaturity and eventually time faded our relationship. Jumping forward a couple years and my crush seemed to persist, bubbling inside me and growing without my knowledge. 
Jumping back to the present. We met up and had some coffee and I quickly became her confidant for that evening, talking to her about everything and anything that worried her. She had a history of depression and an eating disorder which contributed to her having low self esteem and looking at others thinking that they’re so much better than her. She self-harmed, cried and seemed to starve herself through the past couple of years. Her close friend group seems to have grown used to her mental health issues and now they don’t seem to care for her, treating it like normal for her to be sad. Anyway after the evening the crush that had been bubbling slowly started to be released, despite the years difference we still got on really well with each other and I can still manage to get her to laugh and display her pearly smile.
Jump forward a couple days and she decided to break up with her current boyfriend, one week later I ask if she wants to meet up again and she says yes. This time it was more than just friendly talk and advice giving. We hung out, we talked, we laughed and we watched My Neighbour Totoro for the first time whilst she laid in my arms. 
And I realised that I want nothing more than to see her leaning against my chest with a smile on her face. With that the crush bubble burst and what seemed like 5+ years worth of feelings rushed out. I felt euphoric. 
A day later I sent her a message to ask what she found of the film but she didn’t reply. I waited a day. She didn’t reply. The next day I sent her a message asking if she wanted to meet up and talk. Still no reply so I started getting worried for her. But then I started getting worried that me messaging too much cause her to think I’m being clingy which then led to a spiral of thoughts. Anyway I finally shoot her a message on Twitter just asking: “Are you okay?” To which she replied “Yeah, just mental health and things”.
I’m not asking for Reddit gold or millions of karma or validation. All I want to ask is how I should navigate this, so that I can get back to seeing her smile.",not depression
dev_pid_3206,"I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. : My boyfriend is breaking up with me. I treated him terrible and I deserve it, but he made me so happy and I want to be better for him and I want to make him happy. I don't know what to do. I'm already not clean anymore cause of this. Please PM. I don't know how long I can last.",not depression
dev_pid_3207,Anyone Else Irritated by Everything Around you? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3208,"Personal experience with going to a psychiatrist? : Whats your personal experience with going to a psychiatrist or similar? Been thinking about seeing one but feel like I would either end up not wanting to open up or talk, or just embarrassingly break down completely.",not depression
dev_pid_3209,Looking for someone to talk to : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3210,"Off work unpaid for two weeks plus MOUSE in my apt : What terrible timing. I'm so so afraid of mice. I saw one last night bolt across my bedroom floor and I immediately left and went to a friends house and spent the night there. Maintenance came and put out traps. The guy said he didnt see it. Therapy is cancelled until further notice. I cleaned the majority of the depression mess last week but theres a bunch of stuff under my bed (which the frame just broke). My closet is a nightmare. I'm so afraid of cleaning and having it jump out at me. I'm paralyzed.
I work in healthcare and I highly doubt I'll return to work in 2 weeks. I think most likely it will be longer. I'm worried about bills and having to spend all this time in my place with a gross mouse scurrying around.",not depression
dev_pid_3211,"why do i always feel like i’m not enough : besides 1 big thing everything else in my life has always been perfect 
i have a family that loves me 
i have good friends
i’m average looking 
i’m smart and always did well in school 
i’ll never have to worry about money in my life because of my family background
there is so many people that have it worse off than me
yet every single day i wake up with the same feeling, that i’m not good enough, my life isn’t right, why do i always see the bad in life but never the good?
why do i always feel like the glass is half empty rather than half full? 
why is everything so perfect yet i still always find the bad and a way to put myself down?
why do i feel like the world is always against me?
why 😔",not depression
dev_pid_3212,"Downvote me if you want but this is what I think : This subreddit is useless the only time people talk to you is when you say in your title ""I have nobody to talk to""or ""nobody will talk to me"" but when you have a normal post the comments are empty. I was okay with nobody saying anything at first and just recording my thoughts but now it feels useless my sadness and the cold around me won't go now it's just stuck in my head so this will be my last post on this subreddit for some time until things get serious and I really need to say something in the future look at posts with 0 comments because they have no help and nobody else don't just try and help the easy ones. When you do help don't just say you should speak to a therapist or speak to someone they're posting here because they can't and because they don't trust anyone. Finally don't go for the easy ones just because they're easy I know you must be busy but if you really want to help go to the first person you see don't filter people out.Thanks to the few people that have commented on my posts.",not depression
dev_pid_3213,"What to say when your loved one says he's tired? : I posted this in r/PTSD but I thought that maybe this sub may help me too. 
I have been going out with this amazing, incredible man for about 1 year. He's a Marines and suffers from mild PTSD.  
Sometimes, I feel helpless in finding the right words to say to him, to make him feel like he's not alone, to make him feel like it is okay to be tired. He's a man who takes seriously his responsibilities and feels guilty to not be able to meet the expectations of others but above all, his own expectations towards himself. Frustrated at being like how he is, trying to overcome but unable to, trying to begin anew but failing each time.
What can I say to him when he shares his heart with me and tells me he is tired?  
Tired of fighting. Tired of trying so hard. Just tired, not just physically but in general. Sometimes - not often - wondering by himself why he didn't die in his sleep.
Please tell me how I can help him, what can I say to him, what can I do for him. I love him with all my heart and it hurts me to see I can't do much.  
Sometimes he feels like he doesn't ""deserve"" me, that he brings me down, that I would be better off without him so I would be able to meet someone without all his ""baggage"" like he always says.  
How can I show him my support? What would you have wished someone told you or do for you?",not depression
dev_pid_3214,"I’m definitely going to kill myself. : I just got laid off indefinitely. This comes 2 weeks after my girlfriend cheated on and left me, and 2 years after an arrest I’ve been trying to get expunged ever since. (I did what I was arrested for, went to court, and did 100 hours of community service as well as pay back everything I owed so that I could get a deferred prosecution but that’s yet to have gone through)
Up to modern day now, I just got “laid off indefinitely” from the movie theater I work at because of the Coronavirus and I won’t be able to get another job because of my record. I’m at the point where I have absolutely nothing going for me save for the months ahead where I get to waste away alone with nothing but my thoughts (and that’s assuming I even have a place to live). That’s not something I want to do.
Knowing me and given that this is far from the first time I’ve attempted to end my own life I’ll probably just chicken out and not be able to go through with it for whatever reason ranging from the pain to knowing what it’d do to the people I care about but fuck do I not want to live for any longer.
Please, please let this be the one time I actually go through with it.",not depression
dev_pid_3215,When will life be normal again? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3216,I’m so stupid : If I didn’t have the parents that I have I would be homeless. I have been carried my whole life because I have been so stupid,not depression
dev_pid_3217,Does anyone else feel like they are incapable of experiencing happiness? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3218,"Death, A Family Feud, and Now a Virus : About three weeks ago, my grandma passed away at the age of 92. It wasn’t unexpected, but it’s still never fun when someone in your life passes. She had a good amount of wealth, which she left to my mom, her main caregiver, and her grandkids. She had three other living children who she left nothing to.
We knew when she was gone that things would start to get messy, and they have, all because of the money and those who were not named beneficiaries of it.
It has been extremely stressful during this time on me, someone who has dealt with anxiety and depressive periods since my teens. Some of the things that have helped me deal with those times is travel and sports. Two things I can immerse myself in and get away from it all. Now, because of this virus, both of those things aren’t really an option for me. I feel like I’m suffocating, basically having no answer as to when I can do those things again, and wondering what is the point.
Because it’s really hard for me to find one right now. My exhausted mind and body are not sure how much more they can give without some relief.",not depression
dev_pid_3219,"Worse : I was doing so much better, it was like I was finally able to live. But now it's worse than ever before, and I feel like nobody in my friend group or my family cares.",not depression
dev_pid_3220,"The ups and downs are the hardest : I’m finding it really hard lately, I seem to have come out of a consistent down and gloom. But now it seems that I have up then down. I know this sounds good but I’m actually finding this harder. I wake up and maybe I’m feeling ok but it’s just a waiting/battle over the next few hours until the next ‘wave’ comes. They seem to be harder than the ever have, it’s just the inconsistency that seems to be killing me. I just want to feel either this or that. It’s tiring to have to fight every day with hope in one hour ready to fight and live life and then absolute no self worth and no long for living the next. Rinse and repeat. I’m start to hate having hope now because I know that in the next while my mind can completely switch. I can go from being social to just wanting to turn off my phone and hide away in a matter of minutes, nothing has happened no reason, I just want to feel normal. Does anyone else feel the same? Just fed up with having a false hope",not depression
dev_pid_3221,"bipolar disorder doesn't make sense to me, other personal thoughts / experiences i have, etc : for example, how is one supposed to differentiate ""episodes"" of mania / hypomania states from depressive states as a distinct problem vs having highs and lows caused by other things such as ritualistic coping mechanisms that influence personality? like if the way someone functions is relatively stable, hence in relation to having a ""personality disorder"", then how is one supposed to make a qualitative distinction between how someone with bipolar disorder should behave like / think like / function like who doesn't have a personality disorder vs someone who doesn't have bipolar disorder but does have a Personality vs someone who has both ( let's just say ). 
as someone who ISN'T diagnosed with bipolar disorder of any type ( instead have schizotypal personality disorder and major depression), but whom has met and been around many people who have had it for many years, probably the majority of them being the case in mental health groups, what i never seem to understand is this whole state dependent thing. like you either randomly become manic / hypomanic or you become ""Depressed"". it's as if environmental issues / other factors don't play a significant role or don't need to at all, and it's simply a come and go thing that's 100 percent biological. it's often very evident in the way they talk, like when i am in a depressive ""State"", it's difficult to do things, and if i'm in a manic state, we'll i'm doing things in stereotypical manners...
and a lot of people could say, we'll, it's like the whole spectrum way of looking at things, and that it only becomes a disorder if there is enough symptoms or impairment to start being considered one, but that's a problem, because it doesn't look at WHY the person is the way they are and it's assuming that what the person is expressing or functioning like is the same thing as another. 
often when i'd go to the DBSA groups, they'd use a scale, and eventually i became tired of giving a number, because neither numbers would fit my types of problems. if i said i was a low enough number, it would suggest that i should be in the hospital ( i had to clarify a more specific number to indicate what would be more ""Realistic"" when really the bipolar scale just wasn't applicable to me ), and if i suggested something in the high range, it would suggest that i am manic or have some form of mania, when it's not. so much an issue, that i'd be concerned about other people suggesting me to go take of my mental health first, because they're too dumb to realize anything more complex. for example, agitation / anxiety / irritability / or restlesness would be considered as leaning towards mania, yet when you look at many research, it shows that those with unipolar depression can have all these issues, but that doesn't make them have any sort of bipolar disorder...., you know, agitated depression would be an example. 
now this is just my personal observation / opinion, but i feel like bipolar disorder is a combination of biological and personality caused condition, where it can only occur in certain people with certain personality / psychological traits and biological influences. the reason why i say this is because pretty much everyone i'd meet or seen, as well as what research has shown about these individuals, as well as observing the nature of the condition itself, has shown that the type of problem in bipolar disorder is more specific to certain types of people with certain types of genes. and so what i'm trying to say is that it wouldn't be correct or logical to just say that everyone can develop disorder, regardless of personality and genetic associations, and neither would it make sense for many other disorders. 
and so it's really irritating when people just wan't to generalize or give a statement such as we'll, just because your experience was like that, doesn't mean it can't be like this. like they aren't actually factoring in what i said and coming up with an explanation that could provide some kind of reasoning that would answer my question in a more careful conscientious manner. 
like you could say, hmm..., that's a good point, i'm not sure, i guess it could be like this or that..., 
but the thing is, from all these bipolar people i met and talked to, both in person and online, it was not like that at all, and that was with most of them being medicated too...., 
and i never found someone who was different than the big 5 research either or MBTI faceats in relation to bipolar related disorders, including schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. all of them were either N's / Ps and / or low on conscientiousness + high openness to experience, either low or high on agreeableness, low or high on extroversion, ( high on ""neuroticism"" ).  
also as a random inference, what i noticed is that borderline PD co-occurred in a large proportion of these bipolar disordered people, and i didn't find that surprising because the same has been shown in other ""Research"", and many of these people, if not majority of them i should say benefit well from the same types of treatments of ""typical"" people. like if they were qualitatively differently functioning people that much, they wouldn't be benefiting so well or have such good outcome, particularly in the same domains of ""typical"" people, yet they do and my experiences with them were more or less similar. their personalities although not all the same were more alike than different. 
i use to think i had borderline PD before i was diagnosed with schizotypal PD, until i realized i'm not like those who actually are diagnosed with borderline PD at all, and i don't even wan't to associate myself with them either. but then again, i don't relate to the majority of people with schizotypal PD either, so much that i don't think i even have schizotypal PD. it seems like the only logical solution would be Personality disorder NOS, but who's gonna get support for that? 
i have tried raising similar questions and viewpoints in various threads, reddit, psychforums, mentalhealthforums, and other places, but i just don't have anyone else who shares the same experiences as me or thinks / functions the same way, and even if they do, we'll they unfortunately suffer more ""silently"" and are not as visibly discernible, but i know that wouldn't be true, because if they really were like me, i'd bump into more of them making the same types of points. you know, i rarely give casual generalized responses. my hope is to find a personality disorder support group in person that isn't focused on borderline PD, since the only ones out there largely focus on those who have Borderline PD, which again, i see them closer to those with bipolar disorder than those with actual personality disorders...., but i guess my definition is a bit broad. i will say that i never met someone who had vulnerable narcissism or paranoid PD. i mean,  tons of people with paranoid schizophrenia but disorders that had paranoia in terms of relating to their personality, nada...., and even if i did, they weren't like me, and their paranoia was more or less the same type found in schizophrenia.",not depression
dev_pid_3222,"I just want someone to acknowledge it : I just want someone, anyone, teacher, friend, sibling, parent, to wrap their arms around my and say ""it's okay that you feel like this. It's okay to be in therapy. It's okay to let your room get dirty. It's okay to stay in bed. It's okay that you can't eat. It's okay your scars are visible. It's okay that you're not perfect. You're allowed to be in pain. Now let's figure out why you feel this way because, no, you are not a monster. no, you don't need perfect grades. no, you aren't a horrible daughter. no, you didn't deserve assault. no, you are not a monster for stopping him. no, you are not manipulating people into thinking they enjoy your presence, they just enjoy your presence. 
Damn that's a big chunk. Idk I just wish there were one person in my life (irl not on reddit) who could just really see me. Who could just see that I'm drowning and tell me that they know I'm drowning. I don't even need them to be the one to save me I just need them to understand me. 
I really hate posting on reddit because everyone in my head is yelling at me that my grammar is wrong or i'm not getting the point across or im a stupid brat for even asking for help. and im not even asking for help its just nice seeing people voice things that i also feel so maybe this will make someone who feels the same way as i do about this a little more comfortable. idk i have a feeling i'll end up deleting this",not depression
dev_pid_3223,I feel like I would have been better off if I were born female : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3224,"This is going to be long so please bear with me cause no one else would : I was a bright child while growing, naughtier than most but also serious about my studies. But things started to change as i grew (we had no counselling so i became  direction-less and confused adding to the mix was my family discouraging anything i found interesting so i became a rebel. Lost interest in studies till high school but got a little serious during college and realized it was not for me. Still everyone discouraged me to switch college/degree. I'm missing on many details but only putting in important information. Later many other decisions were forced on me and had to accept silently. I found a really good job thanks to the hiring manager who trusted me although i had social anxiety and a slight awkwardness that I had developed over the years. In a matter of months i was promoted and got good growth and loved the work. I love my family, i could've moved out and afford to live on my own but i choose to stay even though i was still discouraged from the job. As it was a start up and they wanted a stable, high paying job. Having so much recognition at workplace but no respect at home brought me back to older days. I came back home tired (mostly overstayed at office so i wouldn't have to listen to my family) but still keep listening to how ridiculous my job or voices were. How i could achieve and do more with my time. So i quit to follow their advice. But still they were not happy. Now I've switched several counselors, medicines and I'm around 25. I've lost several kilos of weight on my body, I've lost my social skills, I can't agree with people, i like arguing when I'm comfortable with people. I'm very humble but I can't express myself anymore. I don't doesn't to friends. I don't speak to family and now I've gone completely silent. I can't speak or feel like it. So one day it will all end and they'll still curse me for not thinking about them.",not depression
dev_pid_3225,Toxic people : I often find people around me toxic. But what if I am the one who’s actually toxic? Like I’ve seen people becoming friends at work or getting good grades no matter of teacher or difficulty. And I’m always just complaining about others.,not depression
dev_pid_3226,Genuinely scared : Just thought I’d share as I don’t know what to do. Due to the corona virus it’s looking like College will shut on Friday and then there will be a 5+ week holiday and I don’t know how I’m going to make it through it. I’m already severely depressed and on the weekend when I’m alone I really suffer from suicidal thoughts and self harm. A few weeks ago we had a 1 week half term and by the end I genuinely thought I was going to commit suicide right then. Now there is literally going to be 5 weeks of being just me and my thoughts and I can’t see myself making it through and I’m just terrified.,not depression
dev_pid_3227,"How to be alone? : What do you guys do if you need silence? Or need to be alone where no one can hear you cry/yell? 
To many people to cry",not depression
dev_pid_3228,"My brain is slowing down , and thought now run in slow motion.. abstract thought are less.. : Will it get better? Or will it decay further?",not depression
dev_pid_3229,"How do I know if I am annoying someone by reaching out : For reference, the person I am reaching out to is the depressed party",not depression
dev_pid_3230,18 M going bald is killing me : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3231,For a friend : One of my really close friends has been cutting himself for a while and he beats himself at night he always says he will never do anything in life or be anyone and I try my hardest to help but nothing seems to help he refuses to see therapist or call someone but he still wants help if any one has any advice it would mean alot,not depression
dev_pid_3232,Has anyone else noticed an upsurge in posts here? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3233,"Quarantine and isolation are eating away at my psyche. : My friends and school are my only outlets. When I'm with them, my mind is busy with other things. When I'm working on school, my mind is elsewhere. With this pandemic though, I'm forced to be home by my parents. I can't leave or go out. I don't have anything to motivate me, so I just lay in bed and rot away. I wish I could just turn my thoughts off until the pandemic goes away. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I don't want to feel like this. I'm tired of everything.",not depression
dev_pid_3234,"Heard someone ask, “Omg how do some people handle being indoors for so long?” : Simple, Porn and major depression.",not depression
dev_pid_3235,I’m so fucking tired of myself. : [deleted],not depression
dev_pid_3236,Posts about suicide (please call a suicide hotline!) : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3237,Does anyone else feel its very narcissistic or egoistic to take selfies or write a suicide letter? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3238,"Just thought I share my story, hopefully it can help at least one person on here : Well hello. Let me d~~ox~~ introduce myself. My name Is Jaden Becker, and I have been dealing with depression for about 4 years of my life, and just thought I'd share my story to share what worked for me and what didn't. Let us begin lol
I will make a list of things that I did throughout my recovery at the bottom if you don't want to read my life story lol.
My first real encounters of depression started in 8th grade. School up until this point was relatively enjoyable for me and I didn't mind going and doing the work... but towards the end of the first semester of 8th grade I just started to not care as much, I would do anything to just stay at home stay in bed and let time pass away. I was slowly losing motivation to anything related to school, thankfully this started more towards then end but I barely actually passed all the classes I needed to continue to high school. 9th grade ah yes where to start. First day I was going to a public high school that almost zero of my elementary / middle school friends were going to, but first 3 weeks basically was doing next to nothing at this point it might of been a bit of depression and that I just didn't care about school at all, but about 8 weeks or something in I switched to a early college school that some of my middle school friends went to. It was ok but still just wasn't doing anything I just didn't care. That school dint work either and my parents at this time had found out about all the darker sides of my life (drugs, vaping, etc) and pulled me out into online school. Well well what a surprise I didn't do shit on that either and I ended up finishing my 9th grade year with only a fucking P.E credit...  
10th grade now (9th grader by credits though) but I'm now back at the first public high school I started at. Over the summer I sorta got my life together and was actually going to try my hardest as I realized that I actually need my diploma. First semester was ok at best it was a lot of 70s and barely passing but we ""managed"". This is were I say my depression really started (the second semester of 10th grade) from 8th-10th I felt it was just slowly getting worst and worst now it was getting noticeably bad and wasn't just me not giving a fuck anymore (although at the time I still just thought it was me and that I was just a stupid lazy shit who wasn't gong anywhere) Second semester I somehow managed to convince my parents to allow me to go back to online school because I would do amazing in it and totally get amazing grades! In reality I just didn't have the energy to get myself up anymore and I didn't see the point life was a fucking waste of time and nothing made me happy. Nothing made me feel anything. At this point I just felt an empty shell yeah my body might of been alive but mentally it was just a void no feeling no energy no motivation, I just wanted to lay in bed the rest of my life as nothing had a point. Back to 10th grade online school didn't work and I ended up not getting a single credit second semester. Summer I had started up bmx racing (I was doing freestyle bmx since 5th grade and was pretty ok at it) but I ended up being really good. I was winning every novice race by like a whole 2 straights, I went to a racing camp with one of my friends and had many lovely people who I cannot thank enough help refine my gate starts etc to refine my talent into actual skill. I was told by many pro's that they expect to see me in nationals and I promised them I would... Fast forward a bit I had won gold cup without breaking a sweat and was invited to join a team, my current race bike was way to small but it was all I could afford at 15, but the team promised me a free 21.75in (I think this was a bit ago) 500 dollar frame to join there team, so how could I say no? Fast forward even a bit more and I had now won all of my 10 races to be a inter racer and get clips only placing 3rd in one race a 17yr expert race as a 15 yr novice lol. After this for just some reason my motivation for things that brought me joy and pleasure started becoming a chore more than a release. It was a struggle for me to play fucking video games, but depression had not crossed my mind one time, I just thought I was outgrowing these things so after becoming a inter but not getting to race even once as one I quit my team, and I sold my race bike throwing away all my training, hard work dedication away as I just wasn't motivated to do it anymore. I quit racing around august and school started up again now starting up at the same public high school for the third time I thought this year would be different I told myself I was going to do this that I could do this I needed to do good this year I couldn't fail. Two weeks in to school and I was doing ok but now from the very little energy and motivation I had left at this point it was all gone. I completely stopped going and my parents with drawled me to not get into legal trouble. I think some of you might be at this point right now, at this point I truly felt nothing, no energy, no sadness, no happiness, no anger, no motivation, nothing. I wasn't living I was just moving day by day waiting for my death to finally leave this hell of nothing and emptiness. My parents put me into a free program for mental health, I thought it was fucking stupid I thought I was fine I was just a failure I was choosing to do this all this wasn't fucking depression. Well we had intake and my first meeting was immediately diagnosed with chronic depressive disorder (just the fancy medical term for it). I don't remember a lot from this time frame I just remember going in week after week waiting to try to get medicine to see if it would help as I was lost I didn't know what to do anymore and I was fucking tired of being an empty shell with no emotions or feeling... I'm glad I got help at the time that I did because at this point my depression was at its fucking worse, I was tired of being empty I just wanted to feel FUCKING something, so about 2 weeks into the program without going into much detail one night I cut myself, bad. It wasn't so much that I wanted to die, its just that for once in my life I felt.. something, but I was going to end up killing myself if I continued down this path, I'm almost positive that if I had not got help at the time I did I wouldn't be typing this right now... Some reason I made myself tell my parents I did so they took away all the knives all the drugs etc so I couldn't harm myself (well besides the one I had hid) I didn't want to give up the razor cause at the time it felt like that was the only thing that could help it was the only solution to my problem... My counselor somehow managed to convince me to give it up and so I did although not happy about it at the time. 3 weeks pass and I finally get to see the psychiatrist, long story short was prescribed 150mg of bupropion (wellbutrin) it took a bit to get into my system and I know they say that medicine isn't magic and I agree it isn't a lot of it is in you but holy shit I finally after the long 4 years started to feel something I didn't care what it was, I still didn't have a lot of energy but I was starting to find joy in things I used to like video games etc. I'll just summarize the next 5 months as it was mostly just counselling talking and finding the right dosage which finally I am at (450mg bupropion) but in January I started at a credit recovery high school and have been doing the best I have ever done in school. Ever. I have made more credits in this semester than I did in the previous two years combined...  
To finish this up I can't say I know where you are, and I don't understand exactly how you feel, but just know I've been through my shit, and I know it all may seem lost and that life has no point and why even try but just trust me, it's a lot of hard work but it is worth it, just don't give up, don't ever give up. If you feel like you cannot do it anymore PLEASE contact a hotline or just someone anyone don't let your own thoughts get to you...
So now here is what helped me get better (not saying this will work for you but trying wont hurt)  
\~ Find something ANYTHING that you want to accomplish and hold on to that with your fucking life.
   For me this was graduating high school and becoming a game developer. I still haven't accomplished these but these goals really gave me something to be getting better for and to look forward to, you need to find something that you want to do and don't you dare fucking tell me there is nothing, find literally anything you have any slightest interest in accomplishing.  
\~ Have something for when you're in your darkest times that you can repeat in your head and carry with you wherever you go to remind you that no matter where you are right now you can and this will get better you just cannot give up.
 This was the biggest thing for me. This story is kind of corny but me and my friend were up at 3 am playing no mans sky and I had just finished the story. I was on a space station and one of the npcs said to me ""**Life is beautiful if you let it be. Life is not a question. There does not need to be an answer.**"" I literally just started balling. For the first time in 4 years I was crying, I was feeling, this one quote from a fucking game opened my eyes and made me realize that life doesn't need a purpose, I just need to enjoy what I have while I have it. We don't need a purpose, just enjoy life and make the most of it. I had wasted so much of my life trying to figure out why I was here when I just needed to enjoy what I was gifted with and not worry about the whats and whys...
The other main one I carried with me in my heart was from a anime lol (Black Clover, don't remember the episode exactly but the eye of whatever is invading the royal capital to steal the crimson lions captains amulet which is a magic stone) the crimson lions captain says to Noelle ""**Being weak is nothing to be ashamed of, but remaining weak is!""** this, this is what carried me all the way. Anytime I felt like I couldn't do anything and that all was lost I replayed this in my head accepted that yes at this time I am weak, but now what am I going to do to help take steps to fix it, and at that time you might not have the answer but as long as you are giving ANY effort to get better at all than you have nothing to be ashamed of.  
\~ The final thing is hard to do but you have to want to be/get better, and you have to put in the work this isn't going to be easy, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
 Now I'm not saying that depression is all in your head and that if you have enough will power you can break free. I'm sorry that's sadly not how depression works, but you still have to want to be better. If you personally in your heart have no desire to change then change will never happen. Only you can take that first step to finding help to get better and find / create a support system so you can truly get better and fucking curb stomp depression you can beat this, and don't you dare say you can't and that no cares or believes in you, it doesn't matter who you are or where you are at, I care and I believe in you and I know you can do this!  
A last comment I will make is don't listen to people. The world has no fucking clue what depression actually is and they will act like they do. If people judge you or think you are weak because of the mental illness you have they are no better than depression itself. I wish no person to ever have depression as it has been one of the worst experiences of my life, but I wish they could just be in our bodies for one day and see how they feel and then show me how they are going to ""will power"" through it. If you have cuts or scars on your arms legs etc whatever don't be afraid to show them, I'm not going to say I'm proud of my scars but I am not ashamed. It's something I went through and I would not change it, although it was a horrible situation it made me who I am and I'm proud of who I am right now. I'm not going to cover them up to make you feel better. Deal with it, I live with it everyday you can deal with having to be around me for the 5 mins. It's not my job to preserve your poor innocent eyes and I'm not going to make some bullshit excuse of what they are to make you more comfortable, although people have no place in asking about that shit. If you want to judge me because of my scars keep it to yourself and don't talk to me thanks.  
Sorry if this post is a mess lol I just have never really written out everything and I'm not too good at writing coherent thoughts so I'll try to clear things up if y'all have questions or whatever",not depression
dev_pid_3239,"i don't even know if this has to do with deppresion : My one friend invited me to talk with some of his friends not to long ago, we kind of became friends me and them, somehow when we hang out I always feel like i'm stupid, like my problems don't matter. It's like i'm all alone even though i'm with 3 other people, I just feel laughed at, like i'm just there for their entertainment, i'd compare the feeling to trying your hardest at something and then having it torn up and people laughing at you for thinking you had done something worthy of even looking at.  
Does anybody else feel this way?",not depression
dev_pid_3240,"I’m exhausted of being alone : I just wanna feel loved, appreciated and to have someone there for me. To say they care and to show it. Be there for me without me asking them to be. Showing up even when they don’t have to. Make me laugh when I’m upset or just sit in silence, keeping me company. I miss having someone around me. Instead, I feel unloved, unimportant, and worthless. I feel like I’m fading. I’ve been so darn lonely for the past couple years. I can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong with me. To have affection or just the reassurance that there’s someone there. I wish I had that. But I don’t. And I don’t know when I will or if I ever will. I do know that I’m exhausted of trying and coming up empty handed. I’m losing my strength to try. Only because I’ve been trying for so long. If I could just disappear I would. But it isn’t that simple...",not depression
dev_pid_3241,"If this were a game, I would have hit restart. : Ever feel like you screwed the build on this game/life? Like the build is all wrong, and if you could, you'd hit restart and go back to the beginning.
It's not that I'm hopeless. I have all my limbs. I'm reasonably adult in taking care of things.
It's just that EVERYONE is so much better at everything. People manage to learn other languages. I've been ""studying"" my wife's native tongue for 12 years now. Still can't do more than pick out the occasional word. People play musical instruments. I got told that maybe I have talents in other fields. People manage to find jobs after a few applications. I'm on month 8 of unemployment.",not depression
dev_pid_3242,"Just wanting to talk : Hello. I’m really scared. I’m gonna go to juvenile intake in a month and I’m scared on what’s gonna happen. The reason why I’m going  is because I skipped school a lot of times. I know I should’ve been more responsible but I can’t stand it there everyone thinks I look like a creep, I’ve been ostracized at that school, I’ve been ignored when I was hurting myself! I feel like if I killed myself that’s the only way they’d show compassion but I think that’s a stretch. Currently withdrawn from school so that’s nice don’t have to deal with them. I’m unsure what to do or what’s gonna happen. My mom isn’t reassuring me either or even helping me for that matter. I’m just alone would be lying if I didn’t thinking of ending my life. I’ve spoken about these topics before just privately though.",not depression
dev_pid_3243,how's everyone doing? : I read this subreddit every day and I just wanted to check in :) anyone have anything they want to talk about?,not depression
dev_pid_3244,"I disgust myself : I honestly just want to be gone, I feel like **all** I do is inconvenience others and fuck up which impacts the people I already inconvenience. I just want to disappear. I wish that I never existed because then no one would've ever had to deal with me and I wouldn't hurt those around me unlike if I died. I just want this to all be over right now, I want to just disintegrate. Sorry to bother, I just needed to get this off of my chest because I know I cannot tell those around me without hurting them or making them have to feel even more responsible.",not depression
dev_pid_3245,"I wish I could be happy like everyone says I ""used to be"" : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3246,"I wish I could forget crappy memories : You make a mistake, any mistake, sometimes it only takes a second, and it's with you for the REST OF YOUR LIFE! The memories come and go, but they never leave for good. It sucks so bad. I was having a decent evening, then BAM, my brain is suddenly inundated with a crappy memory of a stupid mistake I made 10 years ago! Some of them I made 26 years ago. I wish I could do things over or remove these memories.",not depression
dev_pid_3247,"“You’re Useless”, “You should be more like them”, “Your face has a lot of flaws”. 3/1000000 words my mother says to me. : Legit don’t know why I made it this far. Father has sided with me most of the time. Hope that I get the education that I need and move out, then show my mother how great I am without her. (Sad part is, school is about to be shut down due to corona.)",not depression
dev_pid_3248,"I never realized how boring my life is without school until now : My school got shit down, like most people and I’ve literally spent the whole day thinking about random shit and never knew how much of a no life I am until today so now I get to cry and stuff until I fall asleep",not depression
dev_pid_3249,"Uselessness : I can't think quickly, efficiently, or even coherently enough to justify my existence.  The resources I consume could, and should, be better allocated to more useful people.  It literally took me two minutes just to form and type out those two sentences.  Fuck.  I don't understand what people ever saw in me to think I was smart.",not depression
dev_pid_3250,"Upset with the way I look : I think I am starting to look ugly, I don’t want to be rude but I am starting to look more like my dad who isn’t that great looking either (I’m gonna regret saying this), he isn’t ugly but he isn’t my type. I hate my facial structure and each year that goes by I am starting to look like him. In mirrors I look fine but in pictures I look weird, I wish I just had an average face.",not depression
dev_pid_3251,Corona is fucking me up : I cant have any fucking interactions with my friends beacuse my parents are always so fucking worried i havent seen my friends in so long and scince im a social person it just fucking hurts s much more i just need some support yet i can't since my parent always fire back with this bullshit that scince people are dying i should feel so bad for my self mean while i feel like i dont wanna fucking exist i havent seen anybody exept my family who i never liked and now i just feel like i wanna end this bullshit,not depression
dev_pid_3252,"My gf found her nudes on her stepdad phone : To begin I am 17 years old my girlfriend is also 17. Recently she got her phone taken away by her parents for about 2 weeks during that time I gave her one of my old phones so we could still communicate using snapchat. We have exchanged nudes in the past but not frequently. We both have each other nudes saved on our snapchat conversation. While her parents had her phone her mom saw and mentioned to my gf that she saw the nudes but also mentioned that she quickly looked away and made sure her stepdad did not see and put the phone in a family safe that only her parents know the code to. After she got her phone back within minutes stepdad broke it while in a argument with her which he later apologized for and promised to replace it. About 4 days after the argument where her phone was broken she got a new one and proceeded in life normally. It's been about a week and a half since she got her new phone and during that time she never had a need to text her stepdad and would instead call him most of the time if she needed to speak to him. Today he asked her to text him what she wanted to eat and she realized when she scrolled up that nudes from her old phone had been sent to her stepdad while it should have been in the safe. We checked the dates that it was sent and that was during the time when the phone wasn't in her position. There was nude pictures and videos that would normally require a password to access. I should mention that since she logged into snapchat on the used phone I gave her during the time her phone was taken, snapchat logged out of her actual phone because it can only be on one device at a time. She later realized that her stepfather has known the password she used most of the time including for snapchat and her email meaning he could log into her snapchat account. During the time her phone  was taken she was randomly logged out from my used phone and couldn't log back in for a period of time and the time and date match to when the nudes were sent. Her mom does not know and is away for the next 4 days in a foreign country. She is currently there alone with her stepdad. What should she do?",not depression
dev_pid_3253,"Homeless, But Not Shelterless : Everyone says being homeless is terrible. I’ve learned that every situation is different. I’m homeless, but not because I made poor financial decisions, or choose drugs and lost everything, or lost my job. I’m homeless due to escaping an abusive and toxic environment. I sleep in my car and live out of a storage unit. At first, it was terrible. I was discouraged, scared, angry, all the emotions poured through my body. My first night in my car I ended up in the hospital with an extreme panic attack. As time has gone on, I’ve learned how to adjust, what places are homeless-friendly and what ones are not. I see homelessness with new eyes. I still wish that it wasn’t something that is looked so down on and that homeless people were not seen as “in the way” something that takes up space in society. Many homeless people have no shelter and live on the streets. Many have mental illnesses and can not afford medication to help them, so to others, they seem dirty and crazed. I’m lucky to have my car for my shelter. I have a support system of friends that I met at work that have quickly become family. I have my church family and a few individuals that I met when I first moved here. Things could always be worse. But in a sense, I feel very free. It is still hard, but I feel safer in most ways now than I did when I was in the environment I escaped from. I guess my point is this: Please be kind to everyone, you don’t know what they are going through. They may be smiling on the outside, but broken on the inside. Trying to do the best they can, but still struggling. We are still people, just down on our luck. ❤️",not depression
dev_pid_3254,Am I overreacting? : I always been made fun of my weight. I’ve been told to kill myself sometimes by toxic friends and the most frustrating part is they treat it like a joke. I’m not good at a lot of things I try to improve but I can never keep up. My parents are divorced. I always feel like as if I’m doing something wrong and feel worthless I try to evaluate but I can’t figure it out. I get harassed and hit in the back of my head almost everyday at school. I want to fight back but I rather not get into that. I want to tell but I’d be a snitch and no one likes that. I feel sad and disappointed in myself. I don’t show my tears but I cry internally. Worst thing of all is that the school that I go to is “Catholic” and I always think how can people act In such a way that it goes completely against the teachings of God and question myself always. I always think people hate me and are only talking to me to be nice but I’m just a burden to talk to.,not depression
dev_pid_3255,"Fuck bro fuck bro fuck bro fuck bro fuck : Fuck everything fuck bro
I fucking hate myself
Fuck life fuck everybody fuck everything 
Fuck",not depression
dev_pid_3256,"Feeling useless as usual : Why do I always feel like the useless or worthless friend compared to my friend group? I try to be nice, but I always end up acting outright stupid and wonder why I never get a response from them.
Also, any advice on how to not feel like this?",not depression
dev_pid_3257,"Is being homeless worth it : Im currently in college rn and am fortunate to have my parents pay for it, but I'm conflicted. 
My dad is very emotionally unstable and my mom is a religious narc. I quit therapy back in hs because i was scared of my dad's temper, as he would usually drive me to therapy. I also stopped talking about my dreams, beliefs, and feelings because I'm afraid of them. I've tried talking to them once, but quit trying because my dad would scream at me and my mom would yell. It sucked to cuz my sibling had to see it, and i didnt want to ruin his view on my parents ( he is the ideal kid for them, good grades, does sports, wants to be a doctor. Is a christian, etc.).
I've convinced myself that I have have recovered and don't self harm, but i dont know if I'm still depressed. I've lost any will to do shit and have no drive to do or become anything. I dont want to have to deal with them anymore. I'm tired of having to wear a mask around them, but can't take it off in front of them. I'm scared to go back home, especially for spring print and the rest of the semster given the corona virus.
Am I being dramatic? And is the possibility of having to drop out and be homeless worth it?",not depression
dev_pid_3258,"What are some telltale signs on depression, and how do I know if I have even mild depression? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3259,I showered : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3260,Lost interest in my passion for art : Drawing is such a big part of who I am. It's been so hard lately to find joy in it even after a long hiatus. Any other creatives struggling with depression have any advice on how to get back on track? Thanks for reading.,not depression
dev_pid_3261,This sucks : This whole thing with the coronavirus and my school probably gonna be closed for a few weeks then on top of that certain businesses might have to close is making me feel so depressed and realizing I’m missing a lot of people rn and can’t really see them since there is no school. I hope this dumb virus gets solved fast cause I don’t think I can take this much longer it’s making me feel crazy just being stuck at home all day.,not depression
dev_pid_3262,"i don't know what to say here : everything is a fucking lie. my gf who broke up with me, my friends, my parents caring. it's all just a lie. i can't trust ANYONE without getting hurt. i had a gf for weeks before she decided to leave me when i did nothing wrong. i gave her so much love and affection like she wanted and it just wasn't enough for her. nothing is ever enough for people. i have NEVER EVER had affection from anybody before. and now that it's gone, i can't find a reason to want to move on.
people say ""oh, it's going to get better"" or ""just hang in there"". no. it's not going to get better, i can't just hang in there. i just can't.
my parents take away my phone cause i told them i didn't want to eat dinner and my flips out. she starts yelling at me blaming my phone for it saying i've become addicted to it when i used it this afternoon for only like 2 fucking hours! and then she just goes to yell at my brother for what ever reason. and she's started to threaten to take my job away too.
all i want now is loving parents, and a relationship that feels and IS real. i'm fucking sick and tired of the fucking bullshit i have to deal with in relationships and it breaks my heart to the point where i can't feel anything anymore. my mind hates my ex, but my heart wants to get back with her and i don't know what to do anymore. everybody pretends to care about me. everybody pretends to like me. i know they don't actually, i just go with it to try and trick myself into thinking they do.
i don't see a future for me. i don't know why i try to go on anymore. and i just don't want to. but i'm to much of a fucking pussy to do it.
i haven't met one irl person i didn't hate in some way. i haven't met on person i gave all my trust to. people just think they can just make fun of me, beat me up, and think i won't do anything about it.
i don't know
the only thing that feels real is schizophrenia. i never had the voices make fun of me. they never put me down. i know there no more real than the people, but they FEEL more real.
i just don't know any more what's real and what isn't.",not depression
dev_pid_3263,"I can’t get a haircut because of the virus because of the virus and it’s fucking mentally draining : I was out of state last week so I couldn’t get a fucking cut and told my parents that I was gonna get one next week. Now these fucking shitheads won’t let me go, my hair on my head is oily and will worsen my fucking acne, and I just feel like fucking shit. I’m gonna look like a fucking girl by the time these retards let me out of the house to be able to sit in a barbershop with 8 people, get a fucking 5 minute trim, hand the dude a 5 dollar bill and leave it’s not that fucking hard. Just the little things in life like this make me want to die. I fucking hate this. I feel like grabbing a pair of scissors and cutting off random pieces of hair. And these motherfuckers are telling me they will cut my hair themselves. Stfu. You don’t even know how to cut hair you fucking idiots you’ll just make me look even worse u fucking morons. I’m so pissed I’m gonna throw my phone across the fucking room.",not depression
dev_pid_3264,My parents are making me come home because of the virus : And I think it’s mainly because they’re afraid I’ll kill myself if I’m alone for so long with college classes canceled. It’s nice to know they care,not depression
dev_pid_3265,Damn... this time it's bad : Everything and I mean EVERYTHING feels so so sk boring. You guys got any advice?,not depression
dev_pid_3266,"Coronavirus is ruining my life at the moment : I live in the US, and the whole country is basically on lockdown. My family and I have already started on quarantining and everything to stay safe, and I hope everyone on the sub stays safe and healthy.
How this relates to my depression is that I have to stay cooped up in my house and I don't know when it will end. I normally go and see a counselor to help me with things that are bothering me, and he really helps me to get back on a good path, and now with everyone having to stay home, I can't do that. Also, my school is out because of the outbreak, and so I can't even see my friends, and I normally talk to them about stuff like sports and music to try to take my mind off stuff, and it helped me in really rough times. 
Other than that, 2020 in general has been a never ending circle of shit, as I went through a depressive state for a month and a half, which saw my grades drop off massively which caused even more stress in the family, and only a week ago, one of my closest friend's mother died, which put me even further into a hole, and now the Coronavirus outbreak and having to isolate myself is the icing on the cake for me.
I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself or have a ""pity party"" in any way, I just want somebody to talk to about this, and I just want things to be normal again in my life.",not depression
dev_pid_3267,"Hi, I’m new at this app. Well, I’m not good speaking or writing in English but I’ll try my best. : So, hi can somebody tell me what do you do when you got anxiety or you don’t feel comfortable with what’s around you. I mean, when I’m alone I wanna scream so loud. Talking with people would help a lot.",not depression
dev_pid_3268,I just cut off contact with my best friend : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3269,"Stuck : I'm not sure where to start and I know I won't be able to mention everything, but here goes nothing.
For starters, I work a pretty stressful job where work continues to get piled on me because high turnover rates. I'm not even a year in and I might as well be a senior level employee with the amount of work I have on my plate. The pay is decent, but the location is isolated and young people my age are hard to come by. The young people that are here are not my speed. I want to go out on a Friday night to drink, dance, and have fun, but none of the people around here do that and there nearest clubs are two hours away. All of my friends from school are spread out across the country and by now they're making new friends and we're becoming more distant. The simple solution here is find a new job closer to a city where I can make friends my speed, but I find my job challenging and if I can pull through somehow, I'll have plenty of content to put on my resume. But even if I do stick it out for a couple more years then move, I'm shy and have very low self esteem and am not sure that I would be able to make new friends even in a city. I'm just not sure what I want and I'm very afraid of change because my routine keeps me from being over stressed and falling into a depression. There's so much to think about and I don't know where to start. If you made it this far, thanks. I mainly needed this to get my thoughts out somehow since like I said, I don't have any friends nearby and my old friends don't have time for me anymore.",not depression
dev_pid_3270,"Regret : I'm really beginning to regret promising my brother I wouldn't take my own life. I feel horrible for thinking this way, but at this point it's like I m just living for others and not myself and it's hell. Any one else every felt this way ?",not depression
dev_pid_3271,"My life : Exclaimer : I don’t expect any readers this is just for me sorry if that sounds selfish but I’ve never expressed myself in this way in any form ever so this is big for me.If you are reading though that’s for caring enough 
So i grew up in a suburban area which was really a gated community of really nice people. Outside my housing estate however was basically a ghetto but it wasn’t always like that, it gradually turned worse and eventually my family moved our after my Mom was even scared to walk to the shops on her own. Anyway I had like 3 best friends I’ll use fake names cause I’m paranoid even though it’s impossible they read this. Brian James and Hassan. So as a kid i always viewed myself as cool and was easy going and had quite a lot of friends. From ages 6-12 I had a great life and have found memories of playing with Brian James and Hassan. James always thought Brian was weird and he was right Brian was very weird but in this enclosed community it was impossible to not be friends with someone because we were all we had. When I was 12 I developed hyperhidrosis a condition where your sweat glands are over active and you basically sweat buckets for no reason all the time. This was really distressing for me as a kid at 12 and I always had to change two sometimes three t-shirts a day when playing outside. When I entered high school/ secondary school whatever you want to call it I became friends with many new people. I used to get insulted and mocked for my friend group because they were all weird in everyone’s eyes but my own. I ruthlessly cut off my whole friend group and after a year of no friends I found a new friend group. Over time I slowly acknowledged how weird my old friends were and genuinely think most of them either have autism or other social mental illnesses. I felt really bad when I cut my friends off but I did it regardless and the whole dynamic of the housing estate changed. I forgot how I didn’t have any friends outside of school and spent every minute of every day inside doing nothing feeling like a asshole. They used to walk around the estate constantly and always look in my windows as a jest to see if I was still on my own. Maybe it was justified but all the same I was pretty miserable. I got invited to a party which you had to be a cool kid to go to and I didn’t understand party attire so I went up in tracksuit bottoms and bright green running asics shoes. Everyone wearing jeans and whatever I got completely humiliated and it was like out of a movie I literally had everyone laughed at me looking me dead in the face I was so utterly crushed I went to a room where no one was and I sat on a couch by myself pretending to flick through my phone. I eventually went into the bathroom and called my mom to collect me early and I really held back the tears in the car home. All my supposed new friends had humiliated me and my old friends wouldn’t take me back I was completely alone. From ages 13-16 I used to stay at home all day everyday and I developed a really bad depression. I was completely numb and it was to the point where I couldn’t even react to anything to evoke any emotion I felt like a robot. I spent my days in bed go downstairs to eat something back to bed. I developed a love for anime and tbh if I didn’t have anime I defiantly would’ve killed myself. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts brewing for years until finally I tried to take my like. I twisted two metal coat hangers around my neck hooked them up to my rack thingy in my closet that was up high and hung mysel. Luckily the bar broke and my Mom came running up the stairs like wtf and I just told her I was trying to do pull ups and broke the bar. I would get invited to social gatherings like playing football by my new friends ever so often especially at the start but I had developed such anxiety of going out and my sweating problem got so bad I couldn’t wear any colors that would show sweat stains. The invites eventually stopped but in hindsight these friends were very shallow and I didn’t have any clothes that were hip or fashionable so I 100% would’ve gotten ridiculed badly. I also developed a love for music especially rap and rnb. I have a specific memory of staying up all night crying my eyes out because I was so lonely and broken and I just wanted to die really and I got out of bed and was banging the back of my head against my drawer and scraping my legs and cutting my thighs and all this. Anyway I had a huge moment where I just snapped and I had a huge hatred of everyone who did me wrong, I promised myself to live just so I could prove everyone wrong and I just hated them so much. I left that fake friend group and after a year of loneliness I found a genuine one that I played PlayStation with all the time. It suited me because I had too much anxiety to go out and around this time I started talking to girls on Snapchat and insta etc. I became a really toxic person and I would go out of my way to lead girls on to then just fuck them off when I got bored. It gave me this power which I never really ever had and it was addictive. I played sports and went to the gym and I became really funny because i was fat my whole life and when your fat the only way for people to like you is if you are funny. So everyone started to treat me normal and that’s where we are today. Today I am 18 years old and now my depression is back and it’s affecting me so much I am unable to do my studies. It’s bad because I have my state exams in a couple months well maybe not because of corona virus but still.i have gained a lot of weight from the stress of exams and I just have no meaning in my life no goals I wanted to become a psychologist and help others but by the time I would be qualified to help others with my own practice I would be 34 years old I can’t live in my parents house for another 16 years. My other option was to become a barrister and study law but I already know I won’t like it and I’m just applying for it for the status and it’s eating me inside. I have no amitbion to do anything anymore and I really just want to die and be done of any decision making I don’t want to get up at 8 am and study I don’t want to go to school and out on the same fake laugh fake demeanour I have most of my teenage years. 
Any advice if anyone actually read this would be very helpful , this could be a cry for help but really I am old enough to acknowledge that I don’t think I will ever get rid of this depression and probably will have it for the rest of my life 
Thanks anyway for the platform to express myself",not depression
dev_pid_3272,"im tired (rant) : My parents get so angry over every little thing. I'm so done. I can't leave because I'm dependent on them, so please nobody suggest for me to leave, I can't and don't want to see anything saying that. 
I usually ignore it and think ""that's just how they are"" but today I literally burst into tears about it. Bursting into tears is not new for me, it's a common thing and my room has soon a lot of those recently. Let me list off today's ""rebellious acts"". Waking up at 9:30 and not 9, Not rushing downstairs to empty the dishwasher (I was in the bathroom and I did do it once I came down), eating a bag of chips, and to top it all off, getting mad because I didn't want salt in a health drink.
Let me give some context to the last thing. Because of Coronavirus, My mother bought Gooseberry and Neem juice and is having us all drink small amounts of it diluted in water every day to build up immunity. I don't know if it does but I don't care enough to research it. The mixture is not pleasant tasting but it's drinkable. At first I said that I'll have it with room-temperature water. Nope, that obviously warranted being yelled at. My mother started going off and yelled at me to have it with warm water. Strike one, I'm now upset.
Strike two was when she started telling me that the things I did today were rebellious and my dad was incredibly upset because I did the things I explained above. Leading up to Strike 3, when I started crying was when I mixed the juices into the warm water and I turn around and see my mom giving me *that look* (the face she makes when she wants to beat my ass). That instantly turns on my ""oh shit I have to leave"" mode in me, when I retreat to my room and stay there for a while and hideout. My parents don't come in there unless I really do anything wrong or if they need something from me, which is rare. I start tearing up and choking up. I quickly drink the mixture and came upstairs. 
The point is that I'm so tired of the constant yelling and anger. Being around this my whole life and especially since it's gotten worst over the last 3-4 years definitely made my depression worse. It didn't cause it (I don't know what triggered it, it's been years since I've truly been okay so I don't know anymore) but it's a factor that made it worst. I shouldn't always be afraid. Why am I always in ""Fight or Flight"" mode? I shouldn't feel like every little thing is my fault. My sister can drop a glass and I'll start shaking and thinking ""Oh god, I'm going to get yelled at"". I won't but this behavior is now ingrained into my mind. I can't make it go away. 
I just want to be happy again. I ignored all of this when I was happy.",not depression
dev_pid_3273,"Last time a relative died, I didn't feel much : i couldn't feel much sorrow, because it is bound to happen to all of us, but I did feel some relief that there was one less person who would be affected by me killing myself.
is this like *really* fucked up? or is it just something that sometimes comes with depression?",not depression
dev_pid_3274,"Depressed about missing graduation : Look, I understand people have it worse. And I feel stupid for even being upset about this. People are dying and I'm here being sad about missing my graduation. I just can't help myself.
The past 4 years have been shitty, after 2 years of public high school I couldn't go on any longer and switched to online school for the remainder. It's been better for my mental health, but obviously online school means no friends, no normal school events, pretty much being deprived of a high school experience. We do however, get a graduation which I have been so excited for, since it is the closest thing I will get to having a normal high school experience, but it seems like with everything going on it's not going to happen.
All I wanted is just one thing, not only to have a final, normal conclusion to my unusual high school years, but also to celebrate that I actually made it through when I was pretty confident I wouldn't. And now I won't. Of course it happens to be my year.",not depression
dev_pid_3275,"My life : Exclaimer : I don’t expect any readers this is just for me sorry if that sounds selfish but I’ve never expressed myself in this way in any form ever so this is big for me.If you are reading though that’s for caring enough 
Thanks anyway for the platform to express myself",not depression
dev_pid_3276,im done with being used and being put down : im over with it im such a dumbass i let everyone use me i used to have 3 friends they were all so nice when i gave them stuff or bough them something i tried to be open about my feeling and they ignored me when i stopped giving them stuff or buying things for them they left me my own sister abuses me calls me a fag that im worthless my mom or dad doesnt believe me when i tell them no one cares about me i think a few slices on my wrist or a bullet to the brain will help i dont even know why im posting on this.,not depression
dev_pid_3277,"I have this feeling, empty and lonely all the time no matter what. I don’t know what to do about it : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3278,Is this outbreak going to get better? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3279,"nothing like being told ""straight up fuck you"" by someone you thought was a friend : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3280,"Scared of my future : I’m a 19 year old girl who hasn’t had a job, no real life friends, no drivers license, no relationships, nothing. I want my own source of income, but I can’t find a job due to me having autism and ehlers danlos syndrome. I don’t have anything I’m good at enough to make money on my own and I don’t know what to do. All I do is lay in bed all day feeling scared and depressed because I don’t want to end up homeless and I have been unable to get disability.",not depression
dev_pid_3281,"All this talk about self-isolating and how to do it due to the coronavirus... : I'll be honest, it's made me laugh considering I've been in self-isolation for a few years now. Reading these guides online about how to go about doing it and limiting social contact, I must be an expert.
I'm still in my twenties so I believe there's a slim chance of me dying from it. It has sort of woken me up and made me appreciate life more though. I just hope none of my family members get it.",not depression
dev_pid_3282,"I honestly don't know if I'm depressed or I'm just an annoying teenager : Most of the time I'm either really lonely (even if I'm surrounded by friends and familly) or feeling numb and empty.
I feel like I'm gonna colapse at any moment, and that scares me, because I've awlays been a ""normal"" kid, and now I wanna cry all the time and isolate myself.
I think the situation has gone so bad to the point that I\`ve lied so much that I\`ve started do believe those lies, like "" Yeah, I'm just tired"" or ""Nah, I'm not sad or anything"", and I feel that I lost myself in those lies, to the point that I don't even know who or what i am anymore.
I feel like part of me is missing, I feel that theres a hole in my chest, that never goes away, exept when i distract myself from it with other things
I'm sorry if i've made any gigantic spelling or gramatic mistake, English is not my first language
And i know that my problem is not that big of a deal, so, I'm sorry to bother you
If you want to talk, im here :)",not depression
dev_pid_3283,Just lost my phone on silent. Fuck : Imagine a severely depressed person looking for a small object. In a large room that's completely filled with garbage. That's me :),not depression
dev_pid_3284,"Knowing people are stuck at home involuntarily actually makes me feel better : For some reason it makes me feel like less of a useless shitbag knowing that so many people around the world are also stuck at home doing nothing, I'm not missing out on any travel or socialising anymore because nobody's doing it. Is it bad that I'm sort of taking pleasure in the world feeling bad because I feel bad everyday? Even though the world will recover quickly and I won't. It sucks that everyone is suffering but I feel less alone, at least for now. Thanks for listening lol",not depression
dev_pid_3285,"Growing up is like a fever dream : Its just so surreal and awful, I hate it. All the close friends you had start to change. They stop caring as much about you and focusing more on their own lives. They start to become rational adults and take care of their responsibilities and dont appreciate your personality because youre stuck acting like a child and having a mentality of a child. 
Its so fucking weird seeing the people you knew and how they were so unique and now theyre all changing and rationalizing their dreams and fitting into a mold of an adult. Meanwhile im still acting like a fucking useless kid. I dont get it, I hate both sides, theres nowhere to go. I always wondered how grown ups got to be where they are, the people who steal or hate themselves or seem broken in some way, and I realize that this is the point, right after highschool is when the divide happens and everyone goes their separate way. I can tell im diving into the path of becoming a scummy drain on society and probably fitting my own mold as well even though I dont see it. 
Its just a pattern of losing all your close friends, being lonely, making shittier friends and surrounding yourself with shittier people, etcetera. All I want is people to care about me and friends to have my back but nobody else wants that. All adults do is care about themselves and stab each other in the back and thats what my whole world is becoming and I fucking hate it. I reject growing up and living but that rejection means nothing and only gets me trampled in the stampede of everyone else rushing to the finish line.",not depression
dev_pid_3286,"When I see my family that I haven’t seen in years, they always say I’m so different and my dad said something along the lines of “I know that sweet little boy is inside you somewhere” : But the truth is that sweet loving little boy died along with my innocence.
I had to grow up at a very young age and it changed me as a person, yeah I’m different, maybe worse, but my life has made me this way.
I’ve hardened up, I feel nothing now, Im so depressed and apathetic, everyone says I’m so nonchalant. And yeah, sometimes my anger gets the better of me, but my life has built that anger, even my sadness can turn into anger, I’m mad at everything god, life, my parents, my financial situation, how shit is different than from my past, I could go on and on. But no. Anyways idk. But yeah.",not depression
dev_pid_3287,"COVID-19 just majorly fucked shit up for me : Quick rant: I know this is a serious pandemic and I definitely do not want to come off selfish so pls dont take it that way :( 
I recently moved to HK and being away from my best friends has really taken a toll on me. My best friend flew in all the way from Canada on Saturday to spend 2 weeks with me + planned a trip to Bali but now with the closure of the Canadian border and Trudeau urging everyone to go home - shes flying back lolz. This trip was something I was looking forward to; it was absolutely my silver lining through all this turmoil but COVID-19 just royally fucked me over. I know I probably sound super privileged and shit but it's just really difficult to have something stripped away like that - especially when it's something I had been depending on to pull me out of this dark hole. 
Is it just me or does it feel like when things go south, they just keep snowballing until youre left in what feels like literal hell.",not depression
dev_pid_3288,"Weird form of self-sabotage? : Does anyone else end up hating whatever they are into or get mad at something they think they ought to/should pursue? Something in my head always tells me I'm not worth it or whatever it is that seems ""cool"" to me is stupid and not worth my time. I feel like a joke. Also what I've noticed with things that are seen as ""beautiful"" or ""positive"", make me angry, envious and self-disparaging. I don't get this and I don't know where it all started but it's eating me alive. I can't find true happiness.",not depression
dev_pid_3289,i can see why people dissapear now : its really hard to keep going when nobody cares anymore,not depression
dev_pid_3290,"Having “Crush” feelings is making me feel very depressed : I’ve had a crush on this girl for about 4 months already. I don’t know her personally - she don’t know me, we don’t have classes with each other, my brain just thinks she’s ideal for me and I never had a big attachment to a someone until I saw her. I’ve had crushes in the past, but all my thoughts about them didn’t make me feel depressed, it made me feel excited and just happy if I was with them. For some odd reason, every time I think about this girl specifically, all my insecurities just surface to my brain. I began to judge and compare myself to her superior traits and friends, and I began to view myself as ugly and dumb and “not enough”. I began questioning all the flaws of my life and self, and this impact had drained all the energy out of me. I feel extremely depressed now, sad, and sometimes I would cry and lay in my bed for hours thinking about shooting myself in the head. My parents don’t understand, their words just fuel my pain and insecurities even more just by saying little things as if I’m stupid or as if I couldn’t do anything for myself. I don’t know what to do, I tried to occupied myself with video games and YouTube, but I just don’t seem interested. I have no friends at all, I just need someone to talk to me and comfort me.",not depression
dev_pid_3291,"my box fan just broke : at least before i could use the white noise from it so i could sleep peacefully, now i officially have nothing
attempting to socialize does nothing for me anymore, i’m tired of talking to people that sound like they’re answering machines. when people talk to me at work i’ll just smile and laugh until they go away, recently i’ve even stopped doing that, instead resorting to just standing there and being like mhm
everyone (girlfriend, work, friends, family) and everything (video games, reading, playing with my cats, watching movies, drawing, writing) i used to love feels like it has faded away. all of the color has faded from this place, i don’t want to be on this planet anymore. i didn’t ask to be born but i guess it was nice while it lasted. while i felt alive. i’m not going to kill myself but i hope one day i just lose consciousness so i don’t have to feel anything anymore
i wish my box fan still worked",not depression
dev_pid_3292,"A general helpful post about coronavirus; panic;depressed;anxiety. No, it's not the end. : I'm no expert about this first. But, I followed news about this from the early january. I have seen videos from china, had a clue it will turn into a pandamic.
So, first if all in china. Death rate was around 3700 for I guess 60,000-70,000 cases. I have read posts about individuals getting recovered easily. It's scary. But, you probably won't die. Millions of people in china where under lockdown. Since, I knew about this from long time but it looks like rest of the world is reacting now. 
Look your body's immunity is the cure. Best you can do, is sleep, eat, excercise. I understand it's scary in the beginning but weeks later it feels like old news and you will ignore it. I'm so sick of reading it everywhere honestly. My mental state is at like I die, I die. ( which probably will not)
Precautions: I don't know what western media is telling you all. You gotta wear masks, goggles. Gloves and disinfect phones, clothes. 
If u can stay home don't even bother going out. It's not worth it. 
Things to do : learn a new language ( i'm learning spanish ), binge watch a show. Talk to your friends.
Remember times when u wanted a holiday so bad. Relax, it's not the end of world or you. Many people in china according to the news/videos I have seen got better in their home. [ immunity, doctors can't help much ]
It's no way to take it lightly, but at the end of the world it's important to keep in perspective that to take each day at a time.",not depression
dev_pid_3293,"My mind is close to breaking : I have been trying to be patient. We're getting evicted and have a month to move. I can't stop crying here and there. My mind is filled with nothing but bad thoughts.
If we can't find a place to live soon, I fear I might do something that'll hurt me and the others. I have nobody to talk to.
I'm a retard trying to hang on and I just fucking can't. I just want the suffering to be over with. I want to die. Why live when I'll never get good in life.",not depression
dev_pid_3294,Did this happen to anyone else? From overeater to losing interest in food? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3295,Fuck you 2 mom : “Everything I say goes in ur ear and out the other” yea same for me mom you don’t give a shit about what I say.She’s killing my soul guys :(,not depression
dev_pid_3296,So fucking alone : How fucking sad is it that my heart is shattered and the only person I want to talk to/get a hug from is the person who just broke it...,not depression
dev_pid_3297,"23M - Oregon, social outcast, looking for friends to get into new hobby/ies together :  
Anyone want to make a radical life change with me?
I'm 23 white dude living in Oregon.
Going   through a major identity crisis, want to make a new start in life, and   I'm hoping against all odds someone else out there, preferably  closeby,  might be in the same boat.
Some things I've considered getting into:
\-Robotics (am partway through a Mechanical engineering program)
\-Photography
\-Hiking and backpacking
\-Some kind of art
\-Writing novels
\-Citizen science projects or some kind of amateur science research
\-Producing documentaries
\-Electronic   music production (i used to do this for several years, but I can't   motivate myself anymore, even collabed with a few friends)
Preferably   a guy cause I'm aware that I have issues, would like a relationship  one  day but I'm definitely not in a place to be ready to provide a good  one  -- and I don't want to be a downer or put off creepy vibes on any   ladies.
Someone not afraid of some mutual venting and put off by negativity, but nonetheless want to make a change.
I   have severe social anxiety and am very lonely and depressed. I lost   interest in a lot of the things I used to do. I mainly read and look up   mental health advice here and on the internet.",not depression
dev_pid_3298,I want someone to talk to me but at the same time I don't wanna talk to anyone : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3299,Anyone else's room have bad vibes? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3300,"Unsure of what I’m experiencing. : I don’t know if we can put age / gender here. I’m 21 and I’ve been hit with quite a bit recently. Toxic, emotionally abusive marriage that I’ve walked away from, having to come home and live with parents (which is not a healthy emotional environment), retaking some college courses, experiencing loss, etc. 
I know I’m mourning a lot and I’m working on myself in therapy whenever I can afford it. It’s shown me a lot about myself. But I’m still struggling a bit. 
I suffer with feelings of guilt, no direction, feeling constantly annoying or embarrassed? I know this is due to my upbringing. But it’s crippling. I always just wish I could transport to mars and roll myself in a ball in darkness and totally isolated. I feel like I am such a waste of space. That I can’t make decisions on my own because I can’t trust myself in terms of being smart. That I have not a lot going for me. I don’t have much of a support network and it’s like I’m having to learn how to survive in an oxygen depleted environment. 
A few months ago I moved away. I feel like I was trying to run from all of my problems. It didn’t help. But it was like a jog around the neighborhood because I ended up returning home after facing my issues head on. I really feel like the universe is placing me in a situation where I can’t run anymore. When I move out again, it’s for real this time. Not to run, but to start a future. And I’m disappointed because every chance I almost go again something happens. Just had to bail on this apartment out of state due to the virus. 
But rounding this back to depression. I feel like i would be really dramatic to say I have it for some reason. Like I’m trying to get attention? But this constant guilt , shame , and worthlessness I feel about myself has been lingering for quite some time. I always feel like I’m in neutral. Things don’t really excite me. Things don’t make me feel fulfilled, like hobbies or activities. It’s tiring and exhausting. But I just call myself lazy. Some people who knew I was going through a hard time (it’s like they sensed it?!) reached out and were so kind. And I almost feel worse because I didn’t reach out to them. I never want to bother anyone. I feel weird or that I don’t mean as much to them and why would they want to hear from me. I know it’s not true, but I don’t want to burden people with a convo with me or something? 
And typing this out makes me kind of irritated because of this victim mentality. It’s not who i am. I feel so lost, like I have disconnected from my soul. 
I’ve never been told directly that I am depressed, so I really don’t know what I am feeling. Or what’s going on. 
If anyone knew I was feeling this they would not believe me because I have such a vibrant persona on the outside. I joke a lot, I laugh a lot, I know people think I am super happy and can manage. But it’s so different alone. 
I don’t really know if any of this makes sense, I know I’m rambling. I just need to vent. But some kind words or advice would be greatly appreciated.",not depression
dev_pid_3301,How to have energy to walk my dogs? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3302,"Coronavirus affecting mental health (rant mode) : It's funny. A month ago if you told me to stay at home and not talk to people, I would laugh and say it's what I do anyway.  
But ever since I started seeing friends. Going to my psychiatrist again. Trying to walk more. Going to the gym more. Even started doing hookups and even met a guy I actually like. Started taking my antidepressants.  
And now all I hear is about how everyone's worried and we're all gonna die, it's the beginning of the end and everyone's scared. Don't get me wrong, I know it's a big deal and it's selfish of me but it pisses me the fuck off.  It feel almost like a pisstake that this should happen NOW when I just started to have moments where I feel normal again. It doesn't help to be surrounded by everyone who is in constant fear and paranoia. I'm already in constant stress and negativity in my mind but having everyone always speak about it just gets annoying and frustrating, like just at the moment where I actually feel like being positive everyone decides to be negative. I know it's for good reason and I'm stupid for saying shit like this but ugh  
And due to border controls, I won't be able to see two of my very best friends or the guy I started seeing that I like. I can start to feel myself slowly slipping back again, especially since I relapsed into self-harm habits only three days ago...",not depression
dev_pid_3303,COVID-19 has just reenforced the fact that I’m alone : COVID-19 has just reenforced the fact that I’m alone with no best friends or hope of a romantic partner. The only time time someone wants me around is when they want sex. My own friends would rather chill by themselves than with me. I can’t really do anything about it either. Pretty much just gotta accept this is my life from now on and I probably deserve it.,not depression
dev_pid_3304,This virus is motivation to stop trying : I lost my job and I’m not in school. I can’t fucking stand being on this planet any longer. I’m not gonna kill myself but I just need a fucking break. The whole fucking world does.,not depression
dev_pid_3305,"I feel alone : Not your typical I feel alone. It’s been 3 weeks. I just feel so alone because all anyone wants to talk about is this stupid coronavirus crap. I don’t care about it to be honest. I remember Jose and I would crack jokes about this thing because, I dont know it was just our humor. And even up to now I try making light of it but everyone is so “chaotic” about it. I wish he was still here he’d be the only one that can be nonchalant about it with me. But now everyone wants to talk about that only. Idgaf about it man. I really don’t it’s so fucking dumb don’t talk to me about it.",not depression
dev_pid_3306,"Can someone distract me until I can go to sleep? : That past couple of days haven’t been great and some recent events have my self esteem unbelievably low. I want to die but I’m too scared to kill myself so I’ve been hoping every night that maybe I won’t wake up the next morning, but I keep waking up. So, there’s not much I can do. I just need someone that can maybe talk to me for a little bit",not depression
dev_pid_3307,"I’m jobless and pathetic : It was my mistake to resign from previous job. Because i cant handle the stress. My manager constantly push me and he is not those type of people that can talk things out. I was under pressure and started to hate myself and everyone. I resigned because I cannot coped with the working environment and the people who keeps pressuring me and using all the negative words to let me down. Now I’m jobless, my wedding is few months away. Now that the virus is everywhere, people scared to hire a new comer. For 2 weeks+ I am jobless at the moment and Im feeling guilty like hell. Im scared my fiancé hate me for being incompetent partner. He didnt show me any hate or anything but I know he is disappointed and angry. Im also worried not getting any job. I cannot blame anyone but myself. I was too emotional and depress at the same time while working at that company. I was not like that when i was working with another company. 
I have choose a lot of mistakes lately. I dont like making excuses, I am still looking and apply for jobs here and there but there is no news. My self confidence is crushing slowly, Im wondering why no one wants to hire me. I understand life must goes on but why its so hard? I want to vent so bad but I know my fiance dont like it when I do that. He will say that i only making excuses and always complaining. Since then I never talk to him about anything. Probably he got tired listening. I want to talk to someone but I dont have close friends nearby. I kept every emotion in me and feel like i want to explode. I feel like i want to cry in public other day for no reason. Sometimes i do feel like i want kill myself so i will not making trouble anymore. Im 29 and Im pathetic.",not depression
dev_pid_3308,"Fuck being sober amiright? : My whole family is full of addicts, it’s part of the shit that’s ruined my family. 
I understand why they take the drugs though, I really do. They take them to escape their lives, I understand that because we’ve all had horrible lives.
Not only does crippling depression, severe anxiety disorders, and other things, run in our family, but, we’ve all had horrible lives, I mean horrible, I don’t think I’ve met another person who’s had it worse than me and my family. I know people have it worse, like the kids in Africa have it pretty bad. But compared to the rest of AMERICA, we’re at the rock bottom.
So yes I take drugs. Just be glad I’m not committing suicide, drugs are the only thing keeping me from doing it, I have nothing else anyways. I’m not selfish enough to commit suicide, because that will just transfer my sadness to the people that “care” about me. Truthfully no one cares, but they will if I’m dead, they will say they’ve always cared. But where are they now? Their off somewhere not caring about me. Even my own mom doesn’t care for me. Drugs have ruined her brain. But I understand it. I truly do. I’ve peaked into her life story and it’s not pretty. It’s worse than mine. Some of you wouldn’t even believe some of the shit she’s been through, it’s taken a toll on her mental health, she does drugs to keep it all away. I know there’s no fixing it. Therapy and what now won’t help. She’s not a normal amount of fucked up. She’s gone because she was broken. She told me sober living is bullshit and she was right. Fuck being sober, being high is better than being dead. Well, idk. But yeah.",not depression
dev_pid_3309,"The coronavirus is making me deppresed : It's really messing me up. It's not that I'm afraid to catch it. It's that I was getting better and leaving the house to meet with friends something I could never do due to lack of friends. And now I'm back to where I was.
I'm thinking about cutting and think I'm close to actually doing it. It also doesn't help that my brain is making me imagine scenario's like ""what if I run out food"" and ""what if we can't leave the house to restock anything"" and it really isn't helping
I also feel like I'm about to break down into tiny little pieces full of tears something I haven't done in months 
I don't know anymore I've been like this a couple hours and it's already really bad",not depression
dev_pid_3310,I love my kid : I love my kid but she triggered me so much today. I’m driving home from work and I cannot help but think that I have 12 years until she is grown and I don’t have to protect her anymore. This means that I can finally follow through with my suicide. I’m really depressed and suicidal but I have to push through for her.  I was woken up by her throwing a tantrum and saying she wished she was dead because she wants to play her device... it makes me mad because she has no idea of how much I struggle with this on a daily basis and she uses this in a tantrum to get her way. 12 more years and I can finally give up,not depression
dev_pid_3311,"Is this it? : If my parents die from this, I'm out
I'm alternating between anxiety and despair
I don't know why this is happening to the world. We've had fires, earthquakes, hurricanes, but this? This feels like something else. Something really scary that we've been ignoring and warnings from Italy and Korea apparently weren't enough.
I'm feeling the panic now. I wasn't, but now I am.",not depression
dev_pid_3312,"I'm really almost done with this. I don't know what tf to do anymore. : Just now, my mom and her boyfriend are fighting and I'm just really done with having to deal with this. It's been happening for two years and it's one of the main reasons why I'm depressed. I can't wait until I can move out so I can start over. Why tf does this keep happening to me. What did I do?",not depression
dev_pid_3313,"i just need someone to talk to : Like the title says, I really just need someone to talk to. My family refuses to talk to me unless they need something, my depression seems to be consuming my life, and I can feel myself slipping back into old habits. I can't afford therapy so maybe talking to someone online will help? Basically, my life is falling apart right now and I dont know how much longer I can take it.",not depression
dev_pid_3314,"I just want to be gone now. I have nothing to lose or to gain at this point, and I'm an absolute wreck of a human. : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3315,"I am a disappointment : I never was the best, but at least I used to keep up. Now I'm drowning for no reason. I dont even know if I can blame the depression anymore, I'm just a lazy whore who got used to doing nothing because I was sad, and now I'm unwilling to keep moving on with my life even though i have every fucking opportunity. I focused so much of energy on something I could never have and will never have, and now I have nothing because of it. I'm useless and forcing my friends and family to watch me fall",not depression
dev_pid_3316,Xnxax express : Just trying to find out have many .5 xanax to take out a 300 pound waste of flesh I have sleep apnea so I figured I could skip the alcohol part,not depression
dev_pid_3317,im a horrible person : nobody should have to listen to me whine. im such an ungrateful bitch why cant i just shut up and be thankful for what i have. im so stupid. all i do is whine and manipulate other people and blame everything on something else when everything's my fault. i need to be treated the way i deserve to be treated. spat on and yelled at and hit and whipped. all i deserve is pain. i hate myself the more i talk. im so attention seeking and stupid. nobody can make me believe otherwise. i really truly am a bad person thst doesnt deserve love or anything good in life. im fucking disgusting,not depression
dev_pid_3318,"Don’t feel reluctant to cry about something stupid; nobody is watching you. : humiliation, guilt, embarrassment, 
you got it all wrong",not depression
dev_pid_3319,its not going to be ok : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3320,"never thought i’d get here : well maybe this is it my dad yelled at me and
told me to get my stuff and leave, i haven’t eaten and i haven’t had my
pills i think i’m gonna email my old therapist and say thank you for like caring and just giving a single fuck and then you know the rest won’t be history lol",not depression
dev_pid_3321,"Inspiration - “The Great Dictator” : I'm sorry, but I don't want to be an emperor.
That's not my business.
I don't want to rule or conquer anyone.
I should like to help everyone if possible.
Jew - Gentile - Black Man, White.
We all want to help one another, human beings are like that.
We want to live by each other's happiness.
Not by each other's misery.
We don't want to hate and despise one another.
And this world has room for everyone, and the good Earth is rich can provide for everyone.
The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way.
Greed has posioned men's souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed.
We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in.
Machinery that gives us abundance has left us in want.
Our knowledge has made us cynincal.
Our cleverness, hard and unkind.
We think too much, and feel too little.
More than machinery, we need humanity.
More that cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.
Without these qualities life will be violent, and all will be lost.
The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together.
The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men - cries out for universal brotherhood - for the unity of us all.
Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world - millions of despairing men, women, and little children - victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people.
To those who can hear me, I say - do not despair.
The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed - the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress.
The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people.
And so long as men die, liberty will never perish. ...
Soldiers!
Don't give yourselves to brutes - men who despise you - enslave you - who regiment your lives - tell you what to do - what to think and what to feel!
Who drill you - diet you - treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder.
Don't give yourselves to these unnatural men - machine men with machine minds and machine hearts!
You are not machines!
You are not cattle!
You are men!
You have the love of humanity in your hearts!
You don't hate!
Only the unloved hate - the unloved and the unnatural!
Don't fight for slavery!
Fight for liberty!
In the 17th Chapter of St Luke it is written: ""the Kingdom of God is within man"" - not one man nor a group of men, but in all men!
In you!
You, the people have the power - the power to create machines.
The power to create happiness!
You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.
Then - in the name of democracy - let us use that power - let us all unite.
Let us fight for a new world - a decent world that will give men a chance to work - that will give youth a future and old age a security.
By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power.
But they lie!
They do not fulfil that promise.
They never will!
Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people!
Now let us fight to fulfil that promise!
Let us fight to free the world - to do away with national barriers - to do away with greed, with hate and intolerance.
Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men's happiness.
In the name of democracy, let us all unite",not depression
dev_pid_3322,Why do people lead you on ? : I hate hearing people say they are there for me but completely abandon me or don’t even try to start a conversation with me. I rather them telling me to fuck off then pretend to be interested in me. I seriously need some honesty in my life,not depression
dev_pid_3323,"How not to be destructive : I’ve been spamming and harsh to my long distant boyfriend. Both young adults, we live a few hours apart and he’s bed ridden for a number of months. I’ve already met him.
The only reason I rather post this here than a relationship thread is cause I have too much depression. I’ve told him this when we were friends. I don’t think he understands.
Anyways besides that I’ve been spamming him when he ignores me cause my mind can’t make itself up. I get confused, mad, sad, insecure.
I want to act mature but it hurts when I get swallowed up by my own thoughts. And then when I ask him if he thinks I’m pretty or if I’m a moron. He doesn’t respond or just says I’m cute nothing else... the bare minimum. It’s not very convincing to me that he likes me.
I told this guy I love him. The feeling isn’t mutual yet but I don’t think it will ever be cause I fucked up big time. I’m just lonely... at least he’s giving me rules instead of just dumping me. Idk why he’s giving me this one last chance... I don’t feel like he likes me at all and this just pity idk why. I feel like one stupid thing I do will make him ignore me anyway.
I’m tired",not depression
dev_pid_3324,Anyone else feel like they're living purely for the benefit of other people at times? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3325,self isolating : This coronavirus stuff got me all isolated and I realized how lonely I am. I tried going on social apps like tinder and I have a pic up and I realized I am fucking ugly. No one adds me back and it just established my intrusive thoughts that I am ugly. I hate feeling ugly and having no self esteem. It feels like depression and anxiety are intertwined in me. I make subtle jokes about hoping to not wake up to my friends and deep down I am just asking for someone to reach out. It sucks because I know no one will ever understand me.,not depression
dev_pid_3326,"Are anxiety attacks or depressive episodes a choice? Are we choosing to let our emotions run away with us, or do they just happen to us? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3327,"I get paranoid sometimes : I'm not even sure this goes here but don't know where else it belongs.  
I just got this feeling when I was hanging out with some people who I would like to think I'm friends with and I got this paranoid feeling like burning in my head. My one friend in particular is impossible to read and I just. My paranoia always kicks me and I know it's my paranoia cause whenever I can tell what they think of me it's never wish he was gone fuck this guy what a pain, they might even love me like you would hope from friends, two of them don't care but that's fine. I know what paranoid feels like I know that's what it is but it doesn't make it feel any better I don't feel any better knowing that.  
the fuck do I do about it",not depression
dev_pid_3328,"Just so sick.. : I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of being tired, im sick of being sad, and im fucking sick of being suicidal. I'm so sick of myself and feeling like I have no one to talk to. I'm scared of what they think. I'm scared of how they'll react. There's so many people im scared to hurt so I just have to bite my tongue and hurt myself instead. I can't tell if it's been worth it.
I've tried getting help. The meds I take make it worse but im scared to just stop taking them. Every therapist I've gotten has eventually dipped for personal reasons and I can't rely on them. I've even tried suicide, but I survived and it's only made shit worse. Nothing works anymore. Why do I even feel like this?
I have everything I could wish for. I'm young, I have great friends and a great partner, I have a loving family and a great home life, yet I still fall into episodes. I think too much, I remember too much, it's all just too much. I wish I could sleep it away yet never have up at the same time.",not depression
dev_pid_3329,"Thanks for everything : I've gotten a lot of comfort from this subreddit. I'm doing tonight. I have a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of trazodone. I know none of you know me, but I guess I just wanted to say goodbye to someone. I have a son. He is 8 months old and is with my parents right now. My husband is leaving me because I slept with someone else. I deserve to die. I wish I could tell my parents and family that I love them, but this is as close as I will get. If you are religious, pray for me. I did not live a good life and I need it. Thanks.",not depression
dev_pid_3330,"Sad : Its getting to the point where I want to die again. I can't anymore, with everything happening it's all to much. This isn't getting better like I hoped.",not depression
dev_pid_3331,"Don’t know why I’m posting this. : I have no one to turn to for help, accept the lovely people of reddit. It’s sad but at least this exists right? It’s something.
I wish I could point out every little thing that is wrong with my life and my mind so you guys could support me and help me “fix” all my issues, but that’s impossible and doesn’t help anyone. Coming here with my dirty laundry, hoping for momentary relief isn’t the right way to tackle this thing called mental illness.
I’ll speak plainly. I just want help, and I don’t know how to get it. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything but am certain I need to speak to someone. I’m a guy living in Ontario. I just want to make sense of what goes on in my head and feel good again. Thank you.
Also, I want whoever reads this to know you’re not alone. Truly, whatever your going through, whatever the fucking mess going on inside your head and around you that you think is too fucked up for anyone to understand, It’s not just you.",not depression
dev_pid_3332,I'm losing my mind i have no friends i just don't know how to express my pain and anger please help me I'm so desperate for any human connection at all : I'm sad angry lonely miserable ugly fat as fuck I'm so goddamned worthless it's almost funny I'm so tired of life i hate it i hate me why why why am i like this i feel like I'm going insane as pathetic as this sounds i don't know why but ever since I was a kid I've always wanted a girl to hold me and say everything will be okay and call me a good boy I'm pathetic a real man would want to be the protector not the protected I'm fucking pathetic man and honestly shoild attempt suicide but i don't know how i should i fucking hate being worthless if you're reading this please help me I'm going insane with all this bullshit in my head,not depression
dev_pid_3333,"Let's talk inpatient programs and coronaviris : If someone were at risk of needing immediate mental health inpatient care, is this still easily accessible? Just thinking ahead in case things get worse. Also with the groups they hold at those places, etc.",not depression
dev_pid_3334,"My Friends Are Becoming Strangers : It hurts me to type the title and look at it, but here I am. 
I've always been not so great at making friends and I tend to stick with the few friends I have. Over the last two years, I'd become close with two people I'd consider my best friends. I knew a lot about them, they knew a lot about me, we had classes together, talked, texted, we did what best friends did. My friends have always been my favorite part of school.
But recently (this school year), I've noticed that we've drifted apart a lot. We no longer have classes together, so we don't usually see each other, we don't talk, and we don't text. I used to do all these things with them, but now I feel so disconnected. 
I wouldn't know a thing about anything that's happened in their lives within the last 5 or 6 months. I don't know why we aren't close anymore. Are they tired of me? Have they moved on while I've stagnated? They probably don't like me anymore and have made new friends, while I've stayed friends with the few I already had.
I don't have many friends and I really truly miss them, even though they haven't technically gone anywhere. Has anyone else gone through this? I wish things could go back to before, when we really were best friends. I still think of them as my best friends, but now I barely know them... 
Sometimes it feels hopeless, like breaking the awkwardness and letting it all out to them won't fix things, it'll only make them worse. Does anyone have advice please? Thank you.",not depression
dev_pid_3335,"Job interview tomorrow : Finally, after 3 months of applying to jobs, I have an interview tomorrow. With all of this going on, if everyone goes into a lock down this could possibly be another Great Depression. My dad has serious health issues and he’s in Alabama and I’m in Texas and I’m worried he will get the virus. He lives at home with my mom, sister and 4 kids. 2020 has really become a bitch.",not depression
dev_pid_3336,"I need someone. : Hey. I have been going through a breakup lately. We didnt break up in a fight, but because of many. We said we will be friends. In the 3 weeks since i tried to do something/anything with friends (i really only have 2 left rightnow. never had many, but i thought they where close ones. I pride(ed) my self, with having one as a 'brother') i allways got ""no time"" ""busy"" ""stressed"" etc. Wich i get. But then these 2 went to the cinema with my ex and her sister in a movie i was very interested in, and they knew (saw in insta storys ) . The funny thing is, our relationship ended mainly, because i needed more time with my partner then her. She was very keen on alone time, but then my friends dont make something with me, but with her. I asked them,  'we forgot' was all the answer i got. Later i wrote to my 'best friend' how shitty i feel (he answered that text like""and why do you feel shitty again now? "") i said that i am alone , i have no one (im not close with my family, despite living with them (mom and brothers) and that i just tried to do something with people without pressuring someone. I asked, if it would be okay if i came the next day. He confirmed, but was away before the time we said we'd meet. He then said that i wont have time until the following (this) week. Funny thing, he did *NOTHING* on sunday. When i went to vote, i wet past his house. I saw it before in insta storys, but he and my otger friend where just laying in the drive way. It was 16 o'clock (4pm) i went up to tgen, and sat down, and talked with them. *Aperantly* they where doing this since 10, after drinking they day before. (while one of them knew i was feeling awful alone at home, and the other definately knew i wanted to do shit) they had no shame telling ne that. They celebrated one of them passing his exams. A thing i asked 3 times about, while i always made sure to wish him good luck for the exams. I found out through my brother, nobody told me.
I feel like im free falling, and i have nothing to grab to. (The only thing i can hold on is a date with a girl i really like, but met last almost 2 years ago. But that wont get to a relationship, because she studys 6 car hours away. But i dont know what would happen, if i wouldnt have that.) i cant stand lonelyness i was single and lonely for 6 years before i got my girlfriend. Before we broke up we had a pause. I thought i could make it 2 weeks, but with my stress at work, wich i also had to deal with alone, and no personal conection, and so much fear i called her just over a week later. I wanted to talk to her friday (it was tuesday) but she said tomorrow would be okay (it wasnt, because she complained, tgat i ""couldnt give her more time"". Just as a funny side note) 
We broke up that day, mutualy. I was relieved to know whats up atleast, but i knew the following time would be bad for me. I didnt expect  that shit. 
I just need someone to come to.",not depression
dev_pid_3337,"i love you : i love you guys
i dont know how to say anything else
im sorry for that
thank you for going strong",not depression
dev_pid_3338,"Words : You keep the sunshine, save me the rain, I search but never find, I hurt but never cry, I work and forever try, but I'm cursed so nevermind,
And it's worse, but better times seem further and beyond, the tops gets higher, the more that I climb.",not depression
dev_pid_3339,"I'm so tired : It seems like people around me have no problem being mean to others. I got gum for $2 yesterday. Sat in the smoke circle with my brother and then went to my room and fell asleep. I left my gum in there. Get up in the morning, find my gum, one pack has been eaten and the other is half eaten. I understand it's a small pack of gum. But I wouldn't eat something someone else bought. My brother has no respect for me or others. I just started working fast food and seeing how selfish people are and how unafraid they are to walk on others just makes me depressed. My mom doesn't do anything to discipline him. So I'm just left losing. Every day I feel like I let others walk all over me and I lose.",not depression
dev_pid_3340,My dad calls me annoying : I’m just gonna give you a few of my favorite quotes from my dad. “Stop being so annoying. You’re not sad.” “I’m sick of you acting like this.” “Just smile. Life doesn’t suck you know.” “If you’re that sad then you need to be happier.” “People who are depressed are weak. They should just kill them selves.” I don’t think i can take this anymore. It’s not even just my dad saying this shit. I can’t do this.,not depression
dev_pid_3341,Anyone else here not good at anything? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3342,"My dad had to explain to me that high school parties are a real thing. : I graduated 2 years ago and I genuinely thought high school parties were only from TV because I was never invited to or told about one. I'm not going to college either so to my knowledge, college parties don't exist either. I was going to commuter college but dropped out. I can't afford to go back for the forseeable future either. Social isolation is really doin it to me.",not depression
dev_pid_3343,"I don’t even get it : I don’t really get why I’m like this. Probably just something messed up in my head but it’s annoying and stupid. I’m not sure if it’s just teenager-ness or something that’ll follow me into adulthood. I have a perfectly okay life. I’m on the track team at my school, have a thing with this girl I really really like, have a loving family, and lots of friends. Despite all that, i feel like shit a solid 80% of the time with little splatters of okay every once in a while and if I’m lucky, an actually happy few hours. Unfortunately, those shitty periods end up with me hurting myself, isolating myself, being an asshole, vaguely calling out for help and getting hurt when no one notices or gives a shit, and when it’s real bad thinking about ending it. My mood can also change real quick with no real reason in either direction. My parents know about part of this and they do their best but I just can’t let them know. Can’t really let anyone know except internet strangers I guess cause I don’t trust people. Anyways, i simply don’t understand why I’m so wack. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.",not depression
dev_pid_3344,"Is there anything you genuinely enjoy in life big or small? Is losing joy just growing up too early? : I know this is a hard question to ask a depressed person, but this is something that I want myself to sit and think about and hopefully others in this subreddit and I feel like talking about it will help at least a few.
I am sitting here in my cold room looking at all the stuff I like to keep me busy, guitar, videogames, social media/anything on my phone, my friends, my family, books. I enjoy all of this stuff but when I look back at the happiest moments in my life I either don't get the chance to do what I love anymore, or i just don't love the few things that did used to make me happy. Now I just sit in my room thinking about what I can do different, but at the same time, I don't think doing things different will change how I feel. Where did my imagination as a kid go? My favorite thing was pretending I was a super hero. I used to spend hours playing games as a kid never getting bored. I used to love running, now I can't even convince myself to go for a walk, I used to work out too and I fucking loved that. Hikes too now I need someone to invite me to even think about doing that. I used to spend hours a day on my guitar reading everything about it and learning a lot. Hell even finding a good show on netflix was enjoyable. I used to be worried about finding someone I liked, and I did, but trying to find someone else? It's been 2 years and I don't care.
Now? I can't be bothered and currently I like it better that way and I hate that.",not depression
dev_pid_3345,"My husband stopped talking to me when I'm sad : I'm 30 and don't have much to show for it. Failed at one job, went back to college, demand for that field dried up in my last month of school, so now I'm trying a trade but not making much progress. I thought I'd have kids by this point in my life, but the money isn't there. I don't think it'll ever be there. I feel like life is a constant struggle and mostly miserable. I've tried therapy, but at this point my doctor agreed I'm not really depressed, my life situation just sucks.And now I'm thinking, why even have kids when life is so empty and hard?
Sometimes I try to talk to my husband when I'm feeling hopeless. But this has been going on for YEARS. I keep saying how I wish things would get better, easier ... but they never do. He's run out of things to say back, I guess. You can only say ""it'll get better"" she many times before you're tired of saying it. Or maybe he also realizes they won't. I don't have any hope anymore.",not depression
dev_pid_3346,Almost been a year and the day is coming where it all ends : The past year everything that ive done caught ip and i really got nothing and theres seems to be no way out i dont even know if im mentally ill but i bought the sn and need my antiemetics and then ill kms in the upcoming months and all i gotta say is i dont feel anything theres no emotion in my face cuz im done,not depression
dev_pid_3347,"The world we live in is the most beautiful lie I've ever seen : Sometimes I don't wanna live in that lie, sometimes I wish I could live somewhere else.",not depression
dev_pid_3348,expectation as we should feel : What about it? Isn't a killer of mood and cause of dp/dr?,not depression
dev_pid_3349,"I've never known what it's like to have someone on your side. : I've never had people to talk to when I feel bad or people to share happy moments with. I've always been an outcast. I've spent countless years of my life staring at the wall, waiting for the day to be over. It feels inhuman. I don't know why this is my life. I can't imagine one where things are better or I have friends or I'm happy. It's over. It's truly over, I don't deserve to exist, I get it. I'd say goodbye but no one's reading this.",not depression
dev_pid_3350,"Is it bad that I'm glad the Corona is here... : Honestly ive come to realize I don't feel alive unless I'm in danger, even a little bit of danger. It excites me to know that something out there is going on to change up many people's mundane lives. I'm honestly disappointed it's not a more serious virus. I know it won't have much of an effect on the world except for the hype it's causing.",not depression
dev_pid_3351,"800,000 commit suicide every year. : That fact alone blows my mind",not depression
dev_pid_3352,"What helps you sleep? : Listening to my demons is what helps me. Negative but truthful thoughts swell up in my mind and the only thing that helps is listening to the demons, submitting and obeying to them. When all else fails, it remains to be the sole solution. What helps you?",not depression
dev_pid_3353,"Unlucky Me : Well last year was so bad, mom died from cancer,  I dig deeper into depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts but I was standing strong at least to graduate from university and hold my promise I made to my mom: take care of my little sisters.
Struggling between depression,  waking up for school and part time job and make a good portfolio for my career in the video game industry. 
After graduation I was telling myself tha the end is near maybe life will give me that chance after all that suffering just to be here for my sisters. Got call from companies for interviews and they all like : we love your art portfolio and you got potential and we want a freshly junior like you to have experience under senior and learn from them for the future. 
But weeks later the decision come and hit you like truck : sorry we finally took a more experienced artist good luck in your search.
 Rejections after rejections, I'm now at the 12th one in 4months and I'm  feeling down and hopeless with the fear of falling into my demons hands again and disappoint my mom once again . The new virus made even worse because they will suspend recruitment for a good time and I'm sitting here broke, crying that all my efforts and pain won't pay off and not all stories have a good ending.",not depression
dev_pid_3354,"Thank fuck for music. : The one thing I can count on. I just put on whatever music I feel like having on, and daydream.",not depression
dev_pid_3355,They closed the gym (VENT) : For the past 4 months I've been going to the gym and it's one of the only things that's really been making me feel better. They closed the gym because of all this Coronavirus shit going on for an undisclosed amount of time and now I don't know what to do. I tried working out at home but I don't have enough equipment compared to what's at the gym. I'm so frustrated it feels like everything that brings me happiness is being fucking taken away from me,not depression
dev_pid_3356,"How to deal with feeling alone? I have zero friends, and have never been in a relationship. I don’t belong anywhere. : I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m already 23 years old. My brain just keeps telling myself that no one is going to like me I’m too quiet, I’m a homebody, I’m not adventurous, I don’t have any friends so I’m a loner. I just feel like there’s nothing special enough about me for someone to choose me or want to be with me more than anyone else. I’m a nice person that listens, that’s about all I have going for me. I want to meet people, but no matter what I do I feel like I don’t belong, I’m not enough of anything to belong to certain “groups” of people I’m always an outsider. I so badly want to meet other people, so I will feel less alone. I unfortunately isolated myself socially for the past 6 years because of social anxiety and it has made it so I have no clue how to even have friends. Can anyone relate? Am I alone?",not depression
dev_pid_3357,"I am shit : I am done watching and hearing about child abuse, I cannot take IT anymore, my Esther use to Beat us (my brothers and i) every day, he was not drunk, and we were good kids, he was really agresive,  he use to lock me in a closeth until a pee myself, then he would hit the shit out of me, and I was just a kid, i did everything right, I am so sorry because I don't know what have I done bat, sorry, why my parent never love me, why nobody love me, why I am like this, why, I am sorry for been alive, I am sorry, but i am making everything right i promise, he almost kill my brother and I, but why?, why have we done, why my mother never stop him, I dont know what have I done wrong, please, I need someone to tell me what have I done, i Will apologist, I Will make everything right, I remember Jim hiting me while I ask him why and sorry, but he never stop, and still now I have to kiss him and been a good child, I am sorry, I Will try to do better but I dont know what have I dont bad, I really dont know",not depression
dev_pid_3358,"I will never be happy or successful because of past mistakes : People say things like forget your past, don't think about your past because you can't change it, etc. This is such bullshit. You will be punished for your entire life because of past mistakes. Quiet as a kid? Congrats, you're now a socially awkward introvert for life. Fat as a kid? You can work out and have a healthy diet but you'll never have a body like people who were never fat. Had a drinking or drug problem? You will never get back those lost years and any intelligence/health you lost as a result. Missed an opportunity? Never connected with a possible friend/partner? You will never get those chances again. I hate it when people act like you can just pick up from where you are and make things better. People live and they make mistakes. Those mistakes change you, they compound and they change your future. It's not true that you can achieve anything. Maybe when you're a kid, it's true to an extent, but as soon as you start getting to adolescence, the choices you make start putting you on a track in life, and it's near impossible to get off that track. 
People fuck up their lives, and there is no way to fix it. You just have to live with the fucked up life forever. A lot of the time there isn't really anything you can do other than 'hope for the best'. I see people talk about their sadness and loneliness as reasons for wanting to kill yourself. What about people who feel like they've just made a few too many wrong decisions in the game of life? What are people like that supposed to do? How can you keep living when you know that you will never achieve X, you will never reach your full potential, you will never live your dreams? Why live when you have no hope of making things better? Why live when you have to cope with all your past mistakes? It's hard to just 'forget your past' and 'live in the present' when that means living with all your fuckups which affect your current situation.",not depression
dev_pid_3359,I wish I was selfish enough to die : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3360,i’m finally happy for the first time in 4 years. : god i miss this. it’s addicting. i’m still anxious and panicking in the night but atleast im not depressed. life is good. air is good,not depression
dev_pid_3361,"Work and online school is killing me : I now have online school work because of the Coronavirus and I have a job that I feel like I should've waited for. But jobs don't wait for you so I took it. And this school work is ridiculous, I have 7 classes and they're all piling on top of each other. I know it's bad but sometimes I wish I could get so sick so that I don't have to show up to work. I remember one day being so hard that I had to constantly walk to the back to suck in my tears. I almost want to ask for time off to seek treatment, even if I end up in a mental hospital. But I've barely been there a month so I'm just stuck and I think my mental health is finally deteriorating again.",not depression
dev_pid_3362,"I want to feel wanted. : I feel like no one wants me. I'm convenient for some people at some times, and an obligation at others, but I'm never wanted.",not depression
dev_pid_3363,"My day today, day 4 : Woke up, ate nothing and played xbox
Looked in the fridge, found nothing I want to eat
Watched YouTube
Play Minecraft
Eat a bag of chips and leftover lasagna
Play more Minecraft
Scroll reddit
Take a bath
Scroll reddit again
Now I'm here",not depression
dev_pid_3364,"Sometimes i'd like to stick stars everywhere : Sometimes i think i'd like to stick some of those Glow-in-the-dark stars in my ceiling, maybe in the night it'd look beautiful, maybe it'd work like a distraction, so i wouldnt have to think about...well, everything else
but in the end, i think it'd just kind of make me feel sad...why? because of the same reason as always
sometimes im tired of my own mind",not depression
dev_pid_3365,Im missing something and i don’t know what it is : ,not depression
dev_pid_3366,"Angsty meaningless rant : Lurker for years now.  Doctor diagnosed me a couple years back after seeing him about my low moods.  I might be at my breaking point.  I can’t feel anything but despair and hopelessness.  Not going to preach my ‘story’ to an audience right now (nothing against those who do), maybe venting a little here might help.  Nothing excites me anymore.  Reading and video games seem like pointless, petty misdirections.  I can’t remember what it was like to enjoy anything.  I’m a black hole that drains the shine away from others.  Tired and confused ranting is what I’m fucking doing right now.  EVERYTHING IS A FUCKING TORTUROUS DISTRACTION.
I just want to scream and gouge my eyes out.  My life is an incomplete stick figure hanging from the rafters, it’s a nightmare being dreamed by a body and mind that are not my own.  The days breeze by with unnerving haste.  I feel like I’m not in control, that I’ve never been and never will.  I don’t think anyone is... so what are the forces that hurled me into this fucking prison and locked me up and threw away the key?  Why can’t I hold down a fucking job without losing my shit to low moods?
I can’t figure out why I think the way I do, why I can’t see what everyone else can’t seem to take their eyes away from.  Fear and emotional stimuli dictate the lines the actors memorize, and as you get older, the plot loses focus, the actors forget their lines and those who put on a poor performance are laughed off stage, then the audience fucking leaves anyway!
I wish I had no tolerance.  I want to be high forever, rather than stuck in this dream, this composite idea we call life.  The faceless and emotionless are locked away in the abattoir, as usual, but we’re all thrown into the same bottomless pit.  So many fucking ways to end it, man.  It’s like God created us pissing himself laughing.  We are born nothing and we are tortured until we die as nothing.  Yeah, I should probably seek therapy.  I’m aware of that fact, also be aware I’m off my meds again after feeling so fucking numb and indifferent.  Just a matter of time... tick tock",not depression
dev_pid_3367,"Homeless and alone. : I'm living in a van. All is survivable. Food and water are here for me. I work a full time job. I have a comfotable parking spot (Northern California).
I'm 21 years of age in a few weeks.
I normally only drink when around friends after work. They seem to accept me more when slightly intoxicated BUT, It would appear to be also pushing them away (complicated). In the midst of the COVID-19 crisis, I feel even more alone. I feel like (drunk or not), that being 2000 miles away from family renders me completely useless to anyone. That my existance does not matter. I know we all have our own personal matters that always come first. That being said, I even mote alone. 
I'm just not sure how to cope. I've been away from home for quite a long time. I'm by myself. It's tough to get out of bed everyday amd go to work. I feel useless.
Anyone have a sentence or two that might help me feel useful? To feel like less of a burden to those around me? Maybe provide personal direction to me?",not depression
dev_pid_3368,"I don't know why I'm writing this. : Im 21, gay and live in a conservative caribbean country. I've never really been a very social person but ever since i realised that i was gay when i was 10 I've slowly been isolating myself. Now it's at the point where i can go months at a time without leaving the house.
I feel like I've lost all ability to function socially. I feel a highly anxious whenever i interact with anyone I don't know and only feel safe when im alone in my room.
For whatever reason I have always been ok with being gay and, have always known its not something to be ashamed of and, that it is something that can't be changed. But to be honest i think that's part of the perfect storm that created this situation.
I think if i hated myself then that would allow me to lie to myself, push down my feelings and move on with my life. But instead my acceptance of myself made me isolate myself so that I can feel some amount of safety.
So now I'm trapped. I have no one in the world i can trust. Im basically a hermit. Im depressed and have high social anxiety, and probably need treatment for that. But can't get treatment because I don't have a job. And i can't bring myself to get a job because I'm socially anxious and depressed. I feel like a useless piece of shit for writing that. 
I don't want to try anymore. To be honest I don't know that I would try to change even if I got help. The most fucked thing is that i dont want to die, though I really wish I did. There's a big part of me that still sees the person that i could have been if things had been different. But at this point I can't imagine how I could ever become that person. And it's not worth living as the person i actually am. 
I just want it to end.",not depression
dev_pid_3369,"My love left me : My bf since 2011,  but in that time we weren't serious we talked over phone only till 2016 , he had no feelings no emotion.... he left me because i didnt wanted to give him my fb password... bit i loved him so bad i couldn't forget him looked for him all this years ..... i never engaged with anyone else in this 4 years too ... also my mother passed away on 2016 so i was depressed and frustrated all these years.... now again on this 5th march i managed his number somehow and called him we talked even i was so angry at him that he , as my boyfriend also as my best friend didn't even support me when my mother passed away , when i was in depression never ever tried to contact .... though i did mail him etc etc... so he also started talking on the 2nd day at 7th march we met for the first time since 2013 ot was our first date tooo.... so we got intimated ( i never got this feelings before as it was my first kiss nd first intimacy) then we became good friends again nd lovers too we dated each nd everyday sinch 7th march but yesterday he again told that he has no emotion no feelings nd again asked about my fb password i was like its been only one week wtf ...  i will surely give you my everything bd we are 24 years old now how can we quarrel over silly matters.... he then again blocked me from everywhen nd mocked me in his last text ..... 
Trust me I love him so much how can someone be so emotionless.... i wouldn't get intimate if i knew he was still the same how can someone be like this...  he has a lot of online girlfriend he told me in this week but broke up with them idkkk anything.... did he used me? Is even a human being?  How can someone do that? I have no clue.... how can a password breaks a relationship?  I would give him but it was only one week .... please tell me",not depression
dev_pid_3370,"This virus might kill me : I know I’m not alone feeling this way on here, but I don’t know if I can survive this virus. First, my school was moved online, my work schedule was changed completely, a girl I’m really interested in told me she can’t be in a relationship now (after we were intimate(which really got me attached to her)), I have to move out from my grandparents house to my mothers, where I’m reminded of the depression I had before I moved out here. I could lose my job, and of course, I shouldn’t go hang out with friends. 
I want desperately to be loved right now, but I’m asked to put that on hold for this virus. I worked harder than I ever have to build my life back into something I could work with, and it was taken out from under me so fast. 
I know you all don’t know a ton about me, but I could really use your support right now. You’re the only community I have.",not depression
dev_pid_3371,"Life is only worth living for 1 percent of the population, the other 99 are selfish unempathetic pieces of shit who subconsciously partake in most activities just to ""fit in"" : just some thoughts lol",not depression
dev_pid_3372,This Corona bitch is not helping my chronic loneliness. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3373,Deleting Reddit for now : This coronavirus thing is absurd. People are suffering and dying all the time and NOBODY cares until it has the potential to affect them.,not depression
dev_pid_3374,"I feel like my friend doesn’t need me anymore... : I’ve been friends with a girl for a while, nothing romantic, but i helped her out a lot with handling her home life (she’s in a really shitty situation and there’s nothing I can do to help). I try to help her and make sure she makes the right choices whenever she can and make sure she’s doing alright, it’s been like this for a few years. 
But apparently a girl she has a thing with that she’s been friends with for longer than me has been doing the exact same things I’ve been doing, just better and for a lot longer than me. Knows her better than I do supposedly, and cares for her more than me and better than me. I feel like I lost my purpose in our friendship, because someone closer to her has been doing my job better than me...Im the advice giver, I help people, it’s what I do in all of my friendships, even with my family....and if I can’t do that then...what the hell do I have...I’m lost...",not depression
dev_pid_3375,"I was genuinely doing well : And then all my insecurities just hit me all at once. Fuck man I was doing so good, and then this one thing happened and I suddenly feel so fucking exhausted. I can’t even tell my friends about this cuz they’re all off busy with finals or hanging out with other people. Fuck man I hate this. I really fucking hate this. I feel so trapped and alone.",not depression
dev_pid_3376,One day I'll reach my breaking point : I feel like it's only a matter of time.,not depression
dev_pid_3377,Hello : someone to talk ?,not depression
dev_pid_3378,I hate it : I fucking hate it here i hate everything i just want to fucking kill myself but im too much of a fucking pussy why cant i just fucking die why do i exist i fucking hate everyone and rverything no one fucking understands me i just want people in real life who fucking want to talk to me and understand me but no one fucking does i fucking hate this,not depression
dev_pid_3379,"It's like the whole world wants me to die : I have no idea why I bring out the worst in people. I have 100+ enemies who want to hurt me. Wherever I go I make new enemies. What am I doing so wrong? I never disrespect others, I don't do others no harm. People just go out of their way to hurt my feelings and they enjoy doing it.",not depression
dev_pid_3380,Sometimes I’m happy and my brain instantly tells me I shouldn’t be so I stop : My brain isn’t used to being happy so when I am happy i think it’s bad so I stop myself from smiling or being happy constantly,not depression
dev_pid_3381,"Will a stupid person made it through life? : I'm always that one person that people feels awkward around and talk differently to, compared to how they talk with their friends. I am socially awkward and anxious, and I always feel like a sore thumb that sticks out, sooner or later. 
I am slow mentally, I process information poorly and sometimes I can't even follow instructions. I simply messes up everything I do. I have no strength/advantages. Nothing that I do is well and proper, no matter how hard I try. I have no passions/goal to work towards and I am not so sure why I am even here. When people asks what my career goal is, I simply just say generic stuff that I can do with my degree, but not what I can do well/passionate about. 
I actually feel like I'm mentally retarded and I can never see how my future in the next five year will turn out other than derailing as an useless human being. Everyday I just feel like all energy is drained and I always feel like I am incapable of change. Everytime when I try to change, I messes up, and people starts laughing/ despise me. Sometimes I don't even see the point of living, but I am even a coward who is afraid of death/suicide. I can't do anything right.",not depression
dev_pid_3382,"Failed (rant) : I failed engineering. Because it got too hard. Then switched to an easier degree. it got too hard because college sucks, the college i went to hard 0 girls (Engineering). 0 attractive girls. Only had 1-2 friends. Had social anxiety in high school so no girls there either. So i couldnt stand it anymore, imagine being early twenties and literally stuck in that situation i got sick. I didnt like engineeeing THAT much you know. unless you are good at math, if you go engineering then you have no life. Lots of other students had no life either. But somehow didnt lifeget depressed. I got sick of it. I was always doing other stuff. Damn.   
so i wonder, if i could go back in time, should i have gone to psych and get ketamine or whatever? So many here on reddit love medication. Check anti depressant poop out effect, ie tolerance. And why should you take deugs to get rhrough a fucking degree?.? This society is fucking stupid.  You shouldnt have to half kill yourself to do well in this fucking society.",not depression
dev_pid_3383,I just go : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3384,"That feeling when you figure out a piece to your puzzle : Im not exactly sure how to describe this feeling. If you’re like me, you’ve been living in the dark. You struggle to understand why you are the way you are, why you’re so sad, and why you’re so lost.
Every so often I feel like someone tells me something or through great internal scuffle something that opens my eyes a little bit, a piece to the puzzle of why I’m living the way I am.
It feels like hope, even if its just a little bit. They come by so rarely but even that little piece helps lift my spirits, gives me a reason to keep pushing on, I suppose. I don’t really know how to describe it other than this sudden burst of tranquility as your eyes are opened just a little bit more.
It’s been about 10 years since I was classified as clinically depressed and I’ve only come by just a few of these “pieces”. Living with depression this long numbs your emotions but when this happens it reminds me what it means to feel alive. I don’t know if my depression will ever really go away, this void within me caused by delusion and uncertainty has been filled with this intense but everlasting aura of pure sadness. Unfortunately, this sadness has attached myself to my soul, and it will always be a part of me as a result. 
But the drive to find more of these pieces is whats keeping me alive. For now, at least. Thank you for taking the time to read.",not depression
dev_pid_3385,I feel proud of myself for the first time in a fat minute : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3386,What kind of jobs do I not have to work with people? Like animals or plants or kids or what other types of minimal interaction type of jobs? : ,not depression
dev_pid_3387,Scarxlrd (music) : Hes great. your opinion?,not depression
dev_pid_3388,"I used to be happy : I was happy when I was younger. I never thought depression or despair would ever reach me. I was full of life, energy and hopes for the future. All those things are now gone, especially the energy. I wouldn't say I'm the smartest brainiac in my area, nor the dumbest, but I do consider myself having above average intelligence. I took an IQ test when I was younger and received a score of 144, I am an IB diploma recipient and was very active in extracurricular activities during my public school years. I didn't have the best childhood and I saw things that children should not see, but despite the situation I was in, I was still hopeful for the future. My dream was to leave one day and never look back. I wanted to go on an adventure of my own and leave my dark past behind me. My parents were always living their own lives and made me feel like a hindrance to them. When I was 6-years-old my mother found out my father was being unfaithful. At first, she rejected both my father and me. I would seek her and she would yell at me to stop annoying her. I found some compassion from my father when he was around, sadly he was rarely around. She packed the few things we had and moved us to another state. I wouldn't say she was the worst mother ever, but she wasn't making the situation better either. She would leave with friends during the night and leave me with people who we didn't know very well. Because of her reckless decisions, I was molested repeatedly. I never told anyone until I was older. When I was 7-years-old my father visited us for the first time. My mother told me to be good and to not tell him what she had been up to. They rarely paid attention to me during this time. They would lock themselves in a room and I would play outside with the rocks. When the day came for my father to leave, I wept and begged him to stay. He promised he would be back the following weekend, so I waited outside every single day, rain or shine. He returned two years later. I don't blame one parent over the other for the things I had to endure during my childhood. Things weren't exactly good before the affair either. My mom would whip me and slap my mouth for insignificant things. I would see gang violence regularly since gang members shared a room in the same apartment. I found solace in the single book available in the apartment - a Catholic bible, full of pictures of saints and Jesus. My parents took me to church one cold night. Outside was a crucified statue of Jesus. I was 2-years-old when I laid eyes on the white stone. I remember weeping inconsolably b/c somehow I knew he was hurt and cold. I tried to take my coat off to cover the statue, but my parents told me we were going to get a blanket from the apartment. Ever since I can remember I have had a connection with God. Something inside me always knew that God loved me and that no one else's love mattered. I was a sad kid, sure, but knowing that God loved me was enough for me. I kicked my ass in school b/c I was determined to run away. When I started my junior year in high school, things went south. I could hardly sleep due to sleep paralysis and night terrors and it got progressively worse. My first experience was when I was 14-years-old, but it got worse to the point I was afraid of sleeping. I could feel an evil presence in the room during the paralysis and it would whisper things I couldn't understand into my ear and would lick me. It got so bad I missed a lot of days my senior year and I was so tired I had to tell someone, so I told my counselor. They helped me as much as they possibly could, but it wasn't enough. Eventually I experienced leaving my body and being in another realm. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I am trying to describe my experience as best as I can. Needless to say, I was petrified. I got sick of it, so I took matters into my own hands and started gathering information from whatever books I could find about these experiences. Somehow, after years, I was able to control it and willingly stop the vibrations. I don't know what was happening, perhaps I will never understand, but ever since then I was never the same anymore. I remember entering my body again after begging God to help me. I saw a mandala-looking portal that sucked me inside. I remember seeing so many colors, shapes and hearing beautiful chimes. I woke up panting and with an ice-cold sensation on the top of my head. I know that whatever those experiences meant, God was watching. I still experience odd things like that from time to time, but I have learned to stop it deliberately. During my senior year in high school I fell into a deep depressive state because of my experiences and because of the problematic relationship I was in. As you can imagine, college was very difficult and I contemplated suicide multiple times a day. I ended up dropping out and started school again two years later. I am still in school, but I am afraid of making the wrong career choice. You can't just do what you love anymore. You have to make sure your major is marketable to find a job out of school. I can feel my hopes, motivation and energy seeping out of me because I can't find anything career-wise that brings me joy. I'm good at everything, but talented in nothing. I learn very quickly, but get bored after a while. Every semester I start very motivated, but then that motivation leaves me and I start feeling depressed again b/c I feel like that will always be my life. I feel stuck and all I want to do is sleep to get away from the pain and disappointment, but I can't. I have realized that I need a purpose in my career. A purpose that does some good in this world. What that is, I don't know. The only thing I know is that I want to make the world a better place for all organisms. I feel like if I am serving something greater than myself, I will never feel unmotivated b/c everything I will do will be rewarding. I feel lost and I want to find my place. I have come to accept the fact that no one will ever care for me and I'm okay with that. I just want to be useful. I know that my analytical skills are my forte and I want to find a career that requires them so that I may better serve the world. I don't realy care about acceptance or bonds, I just want to be an integral part of society, so that I may die knowing that I left behind a better place. I don't mean to bother anyone with my long post, I just needed to tell someone.",not depression
dev_pid_3389,"A dream that meant...what : I woke up about 30min ago to a dream in which a girl that I used to be in love with and still have feelings for basically shut me down. Why is this important? It’s not or it shouldn’t be but what she said in the dream was my own self loathing type of thoughts that plague my mind on a daily basis. “Your fat and ugly so It’s not that ur confident you just don’t care.” “How could I ever love you! You don’t even love yourself.” It went on for a while so I’m not gonna go into detail about my subconscious voice. 
...What I will say is that I do feel this way about myself it just hurts hearing it from someone whose moved on.",not depression
dev_pid_3390,"Goodbye cruelty : I feel like mental illness is just an exuse for me being a peace of shit. Sometime life be better if I was gone. 
I expect no one to read this becuse no one cares it's just a wimper in the meaningless void. Everyone has there own shit to deal with. Who cares to lison to a dumb ass fuck who can't get there life together. 
Goodbye",not depression
dev_pid_3391,"This month is the first month where I’ve actually though “wow, I might actually kill myself.” : This past month has hit me harder than any other thing almost ever. Nothing has been out of the ordinary but I’m just getting sadder and sadder.
It’s my birthday month and it makes me realize I’m getting older and time passes too fast. 
I started getting back into CS:GO competitive. The toxic community doesn’t help, but I’m addicted.
There’s no real escape to this hell hole is there? I’m addicted to video games and every slight  inconvenience makes me want to fucking kill myself.",not depression
dev_pid_3392,"Just when I thought it was all getting better.. : I have my first job interview in 2 months tomorrow, I was nervous but excited. I thought that maybe this was the turning point, maybe I could put my life back on track. 
My father made some comments that sort of annoyed me and when I went to leave he started screaming; calling me lazy, degrading me and acting like he is the one who gets no respect.
I ran to my room, slammed the door shut and just cried in the dark. When my mum came to comfort me I told how her the truth, how he was one of the reasons I stood on the edge of a cliff and considered jumping off. How I just want him to love me and be proud of me. But no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try. It isn’t ever good enough. I am never good enough.",not depression
dev_pid_3393,"Toxic : So I had a fight my mom. She has always been that toxic part of my life that I kept bringing back. She called me names and said I was Pathological liar. She also once called me a psychopath.  There has never been a day when she hasn’t compared me to my sisters or made me feel like crap for being me.She got triggered when I set my boundaries with her. She called me and I didn’t pick up. She started crying and called me disrespectful. She called me again and I didn’t pick up. She blackmailed me and told me she would tell dad and there would be serious consequences. I said whatever, do what you want. She started crying ?! Then my younger sister messaged me and told be to stop being disrespectful?? She is literally turning everyone against me cause I didn’t pick a damn call?",not depression
dev_pid_3394,Romantic feelings make me sad : Please tell me I’m not the only one who becomes really sad when liking someone. It’s kinda hard to explain why. I just do every time I develop feelings for someone. It makes me physically sick and nauseous. Liking/loving a person should feel nice but I get this gut wrenching feeling. The person would like me back and treat me right but I would still feel like shit. I have depression and it consumed my whole life since I can remember. Anyone else relate? Am I just a fucking weirdo.,not depression
dev_pid_3395,"It is currently 6:00 am, I want to sleep, but I can't. Fml. : Why brain why?!",not depression
dev_pid_3396,"Feel like I am losing my mind today : Today is the anniversary of a really bad car accident I was in. All I have done the past 2 hours is have flash backs to the accident and the time in the hospital.
I hate this I am to scared to get out of bed incase I don't make it through the day.",not depression
dev_pid_3397,"I need someone before I loose my mind : Is there ANYONE I can just talk to, vibe with and talk about my feelings? I HAVE NO one to talk to ab the thoughts that are gonna end up killing me. Msg me ASAP my phone number is also 937-319-1539 
Anyone, any race, gender, anyone that cares msg me on here or text the number I listed above. Much love given non recieved thank you all 🖤",not depression
dev_pid_3398,What is the probability of surviving 19 stories? : Pretty much title. Also how can I ensure I land my head? What is the chances of the roof being locked and how can I gain access to most high buildings? The ground access looks like it can be accessed through a window if smashed. Anyway website in the UK we're I can find building blue prints?,not depression
dev_pid_3399,"How do you start wanting to do stuff again? : I feel like my condition is worsening. My exams were over a few days ago,and for the past few weeks I have been feeling emotionally and mentally drained all the time. I thought once my exams were over, I would feel more free to do the things that I actually want to do, but the reverse is happening. I have lost my will to do anything other than the bare minimum required. I sleep most of the time, I haven't done anything productive in a long time and I don't feel like talking to anyone. I just don't see a point in doing anything at all. The coronavirus situation has made it worse. It's not safe to go outside unnecessarily so I'm confined to my house. What should I do? I don't want to waste so much time feeling stagnated.",not depression
dev_pid_3400,"Insane people around me : Due to coronavirus, ive had no school since monday, my parents got mails from school saying online classes would be held. it was to start from today, that is tuesday, and we were supposed to ask the teachers about what we found difficult etc. In my case, i have an exam and because i finished my syllabus me and my classmates are not invited to any classes such my sister. My mom walks in on me going through a powerpoint and starts shouting about how i should be in a class and how i need to write on my books and everything. As i was trying to explain to her what i was really doing, she shouts at the top of her lungs and calls my dad. My dad gives me more bs and because theyre not even trying to understand how im supposed to studying for my exams i start raising my voice trying to make them understand, short while later my dad cuts the phone and my mom is just being a bitch about what im supposed to do and everything. During this some words come through my mouth, which are rude, and i admit that theyre rude. But to escalate this even further my mom decides to make a big, and i mean BIG deal about this and starts madly swearing. This makes me infuriated and i walk away and slam the door. After this my mom spoke some words that compleately broke me, she started crying and exclaiming how i shouldve never been born and how im just a mojor failure in everything... imagine your mom ssaying that. that hurts man. I knew that i was a mistake ((they told me this before how they even took abortrion pills and then later stopped) but that hurts. and then i started crying infroknt of my computer. then after half an hour of continious cursing and taking my name, it was lunch time and my mom came in my room, physically bullied me and told me that i need to eat food. doesnt seem very motherly does it? and after all that my maid came afterwards looked at me crying and instead of understanding the situation and leaving me alone she  thinks the best thing to do is to go and talk to a loser about how good her daughter is at everything. after indirectly telling me how big of a loser i am and how good her daughter is at everything she tells me,""you are a big boy, big boys should never cry, even if their mom tells them bad things"" now keep in mind that im 16, this just remindended me how much of b.s. im gonna get in with my dad after he comes home. and for those of you who are wondering. this isnt even my step mom.
im sorry if you wasted time reading this bs i just needed to lay it down somewhere.",not depression
dev_pid_3401,"Lost : I'm writing here because I have nowhere else to say this(fyi this is a throwaway account) I have major depression disorder been in and out of hospital 3 times and social anxiety has got me to the point where I barely take any of my uni classes and mostly go out to get groceries and stuff round night when there's less people.
I'm currently rolling on 3 xan bars (so if my grammar is terrible I'm sorry) because drugs are mainly my go to during a relapse which is bad I know. During my ""high"" I came to realize that I'm the friend that's left out or at least the one they ""dont"" have time to talk with, whereas when they want something from me they'll hit me up knowing damn well I wont say no (which I should but I find it easier to keep them at peace) I'll listen to what they've got to say and all and as soon as I bring something to the table its as if I'm just another ant on the kitchen floor if they ignore it itll leave. It may be the xans talking but I doubt it but its left me really empty discovering this. I'm just an asset to them nothing more...
I know this is a throwaway account but any good advice would be helpful",not depression
dev_pid_3402,"I feel guilty and powerless : I'm an expat from Europe living in the U.S.
The current situation with the virus is making me feel extremely guilty and depressed.
I am very attached to my parents, and they are old. Fully in the high risk group for the virus. They live in Europe and I'm here.
It breaks my heart to not be there with them and support them and reassure them in these difficult times. I'm afraid that if I somehow manage to get a plane to go there I just risk getting the virus on the trip and infecting and killing them.
So here I am, terrified that if anything happens to them I might not be able to help them and they would die alone. And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do.
I don't know what to do. The isolation is not helping me keep a sane mind with news going non-stop about all this.
Am I a bad son for not being with them? I should have seen it coming and travelled there before shit hits the fan.
Rarely ever felt that hopeless in my entire life.",not depression
dev_pid_3403,Life is evil : Media is evil. Goverment are corrupt. Most dictators are corrupt. Crime rate is increasing. Children are getting tortured. Most people cannot be trusted. Life is shitty.. And i dont really find any point in living... Everything is now boring... I just dont wanna live anymore.. Nothing is fun anymore.. Not even gaming. Even gaming is boring... Life is now pointless and i feel like it would be better if i die rather than live a boring and untrustworthy life,not depression
dev_pid_3404,Am I wrong? : im loving the excitement and chaos covid 19 is causing,not depression
dev_pid_3405,"My friends found him : My friends found the body of a young man who had taken his own life yesterday. He was mere meters from where I was, and in an area I pass through regularly. For the past few weeks, months, and year I have been struggling immensely with suicidal thoughts, ready to end it at any second. But I have watched my friends and coworkers react to this death with such sadness, dignity, and respect. It has completely changed my perspective. Be strong, keep battling.",not depression
dev_pid_3406,How am I meant to be productive when I have a f*** huge migraine because of all these feelings all the damn time? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3407,"Have you ever thought of dedicating yourself to a 'Human Experiment Project' ? : [https://youtu.be/Lm\_iN3uI-uI?t=126](https://youtu.be/Lm_iN3uI-uI?t=126)
Regarding to **Captain America Civil War:** ***The Experiment of the Other Winter Soldiers.*** For me, I would dedicate myself to become a *mindless super soldier* instead of being worthless person.
I'd comply any commands without hesitation as long as I am **'important'** to those who need me.",not depression
dev_pid_3408,"How do you cope with hating the previous version of yourself, and getting on with things now that you're back to 'you'? : I just wanna keep things short here, I'm now 21, and it almost feels as though the last 2 to 3 years were actually just skipped, I wasn't there and didn't get to live them, through some miraculous help I'm now back, I have concern and fondness for myself again and I remember who I am.  But I'm left with this immense grief for the lost years that for everyone else were such carefree fun, I can't stop tormenting myself with what might have been and feeling resent towards who I was at the time, I kind of understand I'm not to blame, but honestly coming out of the other end of a low depression that stole my time has left me with this baggage that I feel like I will take to the grave with me, I just want to get on with things.  I'm also terrified that time will slip by no matter what I do and I'll never feel like I am my actual age, always just this child.  If you relate, feel free to tell your story",not depression
dev_pid_3409,"Coronavirus creating anxiety and isolation; graduating from college and this happens : It know it sounds silly and selfish in the wake of this but this was going to be my senior semester of college. I was already pretty terrified honestly that it was ending so soon. So much left to do. Not sure where I was headed in the future: do I return home? Apply for grad school? Internships? Stay in the city I go to college in? 
I was working hard and still cultivating new friendships. I was trying to make and maintain connections and was planning on staying at my student apartment through the summer to continue hanging out with my friends before I departed. 
Then my parents convinced me to come home for break during this Coronavirus scare, school campus is shutting down, people being told not to socialize. Seems like my state may go on lockdown any day now. I feel like shit. I know they won’t postpone graduation. I’m going to graduate, just maybe without a ceremony or without really getting to see my classmates again before it.
It just feels like everything I’ve worked for is just kind of over. Like that. Overnight. I feel like shit, I can barely sleep, and every minute it feels like they could cancel my flight back at the end of the week and I’ll be stuck at home. This really upsets me. 
I have no motivation to do anything. I honestly feel like giving up on my classes and just tanking it this semester. I would honestly rather start over than just kind of fade out. That’s what this feels like. Like I’m fading out. No goodbyes. No celebration. 
I’ve sunk so many hours into stupid projects and fucking on-campus jobs and finally it’s my time to just rest on my laurels and have fun... and I get to sit at home on my laptop waiting for this thing to end... which everyday they’re saying is gonna take longer and longer.
I honestly feel like shit and feel like I’ve wasted my time. I’m honestly only posting this because I can’t sleep because it’s all I keep thinking about. 
I tend to get depressed if forced to isolate. Which is ironic because typically I have low self esteem. I undervalue myself. I feel like I’m always the one who has to reach out. I feel like I’m exhausting to be around and people dislike me. I know it’s because people are busy but that’s not what it feels like. I oftentimes feel like a pest, even if the people I reach out to always or usually reciprocate. 
So I kind of isolate anyways but I have the freedom to hang out if I wish. I can go out and grab a cup of coffee and just kind of enjoy the atmosphere of wherever I’m at. I can go to places on campus and meet friends. I engage with different people in classes. So there’s still a lot of connections.
Now I’m gonna be holed up in my room, trying to figure out why I’m even trying anymore. I’m not even sure returning to school would help all that much. 
It’s honestly making me resent this mass Coronavirus panic. And I know that’s shitty, because it’s obviously a major issue, but nonetheless that is how it’s effecting me mentally.
It’s just been a series of disappointments lately, none of which I particularly want to delve into. It’s just a lot has piled on and I have a lot on my mind. 
Nothing objectively catastrophic, a lot of it is just my own neurotic personality, but I hope everyone can understand how even little things can feel overwhelming when they happen all at once. It’s just so much bad timing at a really critical turning point in my life. 
I even have the fear I’ll never see some of my college friends again depending on how long this thing goes. Like I never got to give them a proper goodbye. Even if that winds up not being the case, right now it seems like a possibility, and that makes me deeply sad. 
I genuinely struggle with these moments. I sometimes get overwhelmed by intense emotions I can’t control, I wind up fixating intensely on the negative, I have been having outbursts more frequently since this whole thing transpired. Again, if this had happened to me even last year, I probably wouldn’t have been so freaked out. But it’s just happening at a really critical moment for me. And I hate it.",not depression
dev_pid_3410,"It doesn't get better, despite the oscar-winning optimism people exibit. : I've come to terms with how depression really is inseparable and permanent. The ""symptoms"" can subside temporarily but it never vanishes. It's been a decade almost and my life had changed in a myriad of ways but in the end I'm always back here. Never enjoying life, living it passively and because I have to. From the start you're given a 'lesser of two evils' scenario that you never consented to. You either get shaped by the world or you leave it. The latter of course being fucking impossible.",not depression
dev_pid_3411,Talk to me : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3412,"Glitched or Cursed: The first 16 years of my existence : Hi you may not know me but I'm Azriel form The Philippines. I am 16 years old living with my family happily. ""Happiness is just the tip of the iceberg to any emotions of any person"". This is my current quote I have.
I've been depressed for 5 years since after I've ended my Elementary days and currently ongoing to senior high school. The reason I'm depressed is because bullying.
My origin of bullying dates back to 2009 where I'm graduating from preparatory trust until when the awarding came, I cried because of not awarding a medal. This was the main starting point before after years of being bullied.
I won't detail too much on my Elementary days because it's too sensitive to talk about.
There is a stereotype Filipino boys must follow, ""boys don't cry, they must be strictly tough""
That stereotype influenced all boys because father's are reminding to their son's. From grades 1 to 4 I had been bullying non stop almost every day. By grade 5 it went calm but not too much but when grade 6 came, this would trigger the foundation of my depression. With the last week of my Elementary days, they bullied me nonstop unlimited because of my attitude background from prep to grade 5. They bullied me all day. It was so heavy, no one cared except my friends and family.
I have been guidanced since grade 3 to 6 because of this issue.
As I approach High School, I was expecting the same, and it did
By grade 8 in March 1 it was announced that the school will be renovated and I didn't cried not a single tear because my school didn't treated about bullying.
Within grade 9 was a new life because I studied at a Christian School and I've met one of my classmates form prep. I'll hide the name Champaine. I've met her in Roosevelt College Cubao as a prep. student. However there is one student who came from public school last year. He was treating me like ""hidden bullying"". In overall I had a great experience from this Christian School and continued here for grade 10.
By grade 10 I'm expecting one bully but it went multiple. There are 4 of them, 3 boys and 1 girl but I won't name them because of my personal reasons. These 4 were I hated the most but afraid to report because it has been repeated in my elem days. Also in this timeline, I had a crush on the one I've been her classmate last year. However I did something I didn't know it was illegal. On March 7, I've photographed her without asking her permission. They've caught the evidence I've did but I had nothing to do. That was on March 9, when they're scattering it.
Within that date, I had lost interest on her and I've promised to myself that ""I'm not gonna flirt another girl""
After I went home by 4 p.m. and waited until 8 p.m. I cried while mt little brother was sleeping because I think myself as a failure to this world. I'm trash, useless, worthless. I wanted to suicide so much I've handled my scars since I've been bullied. It was too much pressure to handle like I hope one day ""I'll die just one day to see who does care about me""
This is why untill now am I glitched or cursed?
Despite I didn't went to a specialist in mental health there was a treatment I've found, Coldplay
I've been following Coldplay since grade 9 and their music relates me wether I'm happy or sad and I encourage you to listen some of their music like Fix You, Everyday Life, A Sky Full Of Stars, Yellow, Viva La Vida, Up and Up, Paradise and so much more.
I hope you've read it and if you're posting it on FB, IG, Twitter, YT or any other social media sites pls. feel free to notify me.
As Chris Martin said: ""Believe in Love""
Thank you for reading this post and hoping for you to visit The Philippines. Just remember: ""Believe in Love""",not depression
dev_pid_3413,crashed my friend's car : Wish it was a worse crash so I'd be dead. Now I have to add more problems to my life. fuck this shit.,not depression
dev_pid_3414,What should I do (20F) do about my brother (19M) who is depressed but has also been manipulative many times in the past? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3415,"Cleaned the whole apartment after months of not being able to : I haven't cleaned my place for months. I've been struggling a lot with the smallest of tasks. Dishes would pile up until I HAD to wash them. I tidied up my room and living room in these months every now and then but no actual cleaning. 
Well last week I got the motivation to declutter. My mother moved out which means I was finally able to get rid of all the stuff she was hoarding. It was A LOT and by the time I was finished I had no energy to get out all the stuff (my boyfriend did). I had no energy to clean.
Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was thinking about cleaning the house and that kept me up until late, at that point I decided to not sleep at all so I could be able to get up early and clean. Ever since the quarantine I've been struggling with oversleeping, I don't have practice so I don't have a reason to wake up in the morning. Staying awake worked though, I cleaned the whole kitchen, room, living room, indoor patio and bathroom. It took me all morning but it feels great.",not depression
dev_pid_3416,"Dear COVID, : We haven't been properly introduced, although I have a feeling we will get to know each other soon.
Thanks to you, everything in my country is on lockdown. No gyms, no social events, no cinemas, ski-slopes, nothing other than food stores e.t.c. and it's causing the whole population to freak out. EVERYONE is whining and complaining about how terrible this qurantine is. Everyone makes it out to sound like the world is fucking ending because they have to stay inside and can't hangout and party with friends. They make it into this huge deal and it's giving me so much anxiety because what they're describing as the end of the world is how I have been living for a significant time now. So thanks for helping me feel something at least.
I know I'm not in a good spot with my life, but I've felt no emotions towards changing that, I've found no reason to care. However, ever since you entered the picture people have started isolating themselvs, and explaining how terrible people are finding their current isolation, how terrible they're finding living the life I live everyday.  It makes me wonder what an actual life is like, what I'm missing out on, and it stresses me now why I can't  find any reason to change, although I'm sure it will fade like everything else.
With everyone indirectly pointing out how horrible my life is I feel more hopeless than ever and now I just sleep all day and eat maybe once a day. Apperantly I have no understanding of what life is, and I'm just a hermit unaware of my life's decay, or at least to numb to do anything about it. 
I'm sure we'll be in touch, and when you find me feel free to hit me, hard enough to where I won't get up.
Sincerely
Insensible Hermit",not depression
dev_pid_3417,"Late thoughts : I wonder if any of my friends every truely liked me as much as I liked them or if I was merely tolerated before they leave me forever like I'm trash on the side of the road? 
I don't think socialising and getting hurt is any better than just being alone, I wonder if anybody ever felt anything towards or I'm just too emotional",not depression
dev_pid_3418,"Fucking Coronavirus : Need to get this off my chest.
Recently i've made a lot of efforts to be more social again after struggling with depression after breaking up contact with my unrequited love. After a long time of having no motivation, no joy and no will to power through the day i'm finally on my way to getting better. I've always hated going to school but it helped me get my mind off my problems and always put me in a social setting around my friends and recently i've even managed to connect with new people and even get to know girls from my class next door.
Also i've managed to get into exercising which helped me tremendously psychologically and from a health perspective. Managed to lose some weight and get my bad food habits under control. This was a crucial step for me finally getting better. 
But now everything feels like it's slowly falling apart again. Since the coronavirus outbreak started reaching my country the measures against it are slowly getting more strict and schools are closed since last week. I feel like my support net for my emotional health is being taken away. The next measure will be social distancing which i am afraid of because the lack of social contact will put me in a dark place again for sure. The worst of all this is that we don't have a freaking clue how long this will last and this stresses me out the most because i am scared to death of getting back into my depression.
I'm freshly coming out of a three month phase which was horrible. I never had energy for anything and i really genuinely was hopeless about anything. I felt like nothing mattered to me, my friends, my hobbies everything that once was interesting to me seemed dull and boring and i just isolated myself and felt this horrible feeling in my chest, like i would implode anytime. I felt so hollow. I lived day to day and everyday was the same, everyday felt like a marathon to get through.
That's why i fucking hate coronavirus. Because it's effect on society will probably pull me back into darkness for an indefinite time period. I really don't wanna live in isolation for months.",not depression
dev_pid_3419,"I’ve tried so god damn hard to get better, just to put everything behind me and move on but it’s so hard, I just can’t do it: : A couple months ago I saw a old friend I havnt seen in 4 years, he hadn’t changed a bit, his look, his humor, his voice, and I had so much fun with them. For the first time in more than a year I felt like I didn’t have to cut myself, like I had a reason not to die. 
That was a couple months ago and I can’t stop thinking about it, I havnt had a human connection in so long, I’m so distant and I have no friends. I pushed all of my old friends, online friends away and I have no one. I remember thinking at one stage I was completely alone, but I had a couple friends back then I didn’t even think of when I was in that state of mind. But now I am turkey lonely, I have no friends, I have no one to talk to, I have anger, frustration, sadness, and so much more building up and I know it’s not going to end well. I feel like if I continue going this way then I might to something bad, something I will regret for the rest of my life, I’m already regretting so many things and it will just add on. I’ve lost nearly everything and no one cares enough to say hello to me when I walk into class, they just stare and then backchat about why I look as if I got wasted the night before, at least that’s what one of them told me one time.
Reddit doesn’t help, you just post a post and it’s just some people responding saying you have so much to live for and shit like that and i don’t know why I am even doing this. No one reaches out, no one cares, no one cares about anything you do.
Lately I’ve tried to be so kind to people, people on the sidewalk, people at a mall, people online because for a while I believed that if I be nice to people maybe things will turn around for me, and I did that for more than a long while, and now I’ve come to realize it doesn’t matter how nice I am, it doesn’t matter how desperate I am because nothing matters, we are just cells waiting to fucking die. I’ve attempted it, I’ve gone to a bridge, I’ve gone to a roof and I’ve done so much more. And that one time I was so close to doing it but I didn’t and I fucking hate myself for not doing it, if I killed myself I wouldn’t be going through so much more pain, my family would cry for a little bit but that’s it, no one else would care, no butterfly effect will happen because they will move on to the lives they had when I was alive, I just wish I did it because now.
I don’t even have the balls to jump off a roof, it’s just a fall, a long fall that will only do good for you, yes it’s selfish but its something I need, I’ve been nice kind generous and no one has done any of that for me, so it’s time I be selfish and get rid of my own problems.",not depression
dev_pid_3420,How’s life going? How are you? : ,not depression
dev_pid_3421,Does anyone else just wish some people wouldn't try to help you? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3422,"We’re here to help : Me and my partner have decided to make an LGBTQ+, all inclusive server to support you all in your darkest times. Come along and join us. Come talk about your problems, we’re here to help.
[Click here to join!](https://discord.gg/v7RSHYz)",not depression
dev_pid_3423,"I’m reliving bad memories : I had a few triggers yesterday and now it’s even worse
 I feel like I’m stuck reliving all my worst memories and I have no one to go to. I’m fucking scared of being left by the one I love I’m tired of being blamed for everything I’m tired that no one ever lets me just Feel sad for once
 I’m exhausted and I’ve been crying nonstop for the past 24 hours, I feel like throwing up, I want to sleep all day just to avoid thinking and panicing 
 and it feels like no one cares",not depression
dev_pid_3424,My friends only really talked to me when I had a job. : Now that I dont. They've all fizzled out. Always giving excuses that they're too busy. What? Too busy staying home because of quarantine? Fuck me I'm a loser,not depression
dev_pid_3425,"I feel like my mom is suffocating me : She’s always been the textbook “helicopter parent.” She wants to control what I say, how I act, what I wear, what I eat, and anything I do. I’m 17 years old and have reached my breaking point. All these years of making offensive comments to me and controlling me have pushed me to the edge. And now because of the  Coronavirus she’s at home with me most of the time. I want to escape this life I’ve been living, it’s too much for me. She always says that I’m being selfish and not considering her but I feel it would be better if I just end my life. There’s no end in sight for me and I’m conflicted.",not depression
dev_pid_3426,"My mom : My mom has depression and anxiety.  She always has though she and her doctor think it was only due to menopause.... although I believe it was worse during that time, she has always -and will continue to have- depression and anxiety.  Her doctor recently suggested she could start reducing her medication since she is now through menopause and this is a horrible idea.  I don’t know if she has already started that or not but she is in a complete panic over this whole quarantine thing.  We are taking my brothers brother-in-law back to his hometown from college today so it’s a 3 hour trip and she has been hysterically crying about saying that we are being stupid and she is so scared to travel.  She has no underlying health concerns and we have very few cases here. But she cannot pull herself together - we are staying the night at my brother’s house and returning home tomorrow and she is convinced we will get stuck at his house and never allowed to leave for a year - seriously.  I also have anxiety which I am medicated for and typically do very well but when she plummets like this, it’s incredibly hard for me.  It’s going to be a looooooong 24 hours.",not depression
dev_pid_3427,"She dumped me and I have no one else to tell : She was the only friend I have here. Back to being alone I guess. I just wanted to tell someone since I have no one else. 
What's it like to feel anything? I think I forgot.",not depression
dev_pid_3428,"I am required to self-isolate for the next 2 weeks, and my love is stuck in another country ... could this year get any worse? : My country is in a state of emergency. We’ve closed our borders. My love can’t come back to me for god knows how long, since he is a non-citizen. He is stuck in another country right now. I need to self-isolate for the next few weeks, so I’ll be all alone. This is going to absolutely destroy my mental health, as if I haven’t been bad already ... I don’t think any pills or treatments exist to heal this pain and turmoil right now. All we can do is pray. May god be with us all.",not depression
dev_pid_3429,"My girlfriend is really the best. : So I've been freaking our over the world events the last week and a half. She's been there for me every step of the way. I love you, m'dew😭",not depression
dev_pid_3430,"Low key hope I get corona : Just saying it’s a easy cop out to ppl like me who don’t wanna be here anyways. A way out with no judgement, and everyone will be mad at the virus instead of me. Win win",not depression
dev_pid_3431,I'm crying right now : ,not depression
dev_pid_3432,I feel like depression is the lack of a goal. Its like depressed people are more near to the buddhistic truth of the endless chain of suffering. We all got raised into a society that needs us only to perform well. And if we dont perform a certain way we end up being depressed. : ,not depression
dev_pid_3433,"If you were given a choice, would you rather die/cease to exist or be cured of your depression? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3434,"Anxiety : I made a group for anxiety because that is sometimes part of depression and can affect people just as much. The group is r/anxiety_sucks and people can talk about how anxiety effects them just like here we talk about depression. Anyways, I know this doesn't fit here but anxiety is hard too.",not depression
dev_pid_3435,"I'm done socializing : I just can't figure it out.
If I keep myself to myself - society labels me a weirdo. It's socially off! Often I've even been called selfish and arrogant.
If I try to mingle - people misinterpret me. I crack a joke and some onion-skinned idiot gets offended. I try to show a little of my personality and something happens that bolsters the idea that I'm someone that's just not likable. Digs it deeper into my psyche that I'm really just a monster who's better off alone.
You know what, fuck it. I'm done with the drama, the bullshit, and I'm done explaining myself. It bums me that I have to be alone, but it's safer this way. This world just doesn't make sense anyway.",not depression
dev_pid_3436,"as all plans are getting cancelled i no longer have the little things to look forward to : im afraid this pandemic will make me spiral back into nothingness   
i know people are sick and im being incredibly selfish but im terrified of myself",not depression
dev_pid_3437,"People talk about self quarantine and social distancing, but I haven’t been out my house in a while anyways smh : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3438,"I just got laid off both of my jobs because of the virus,I don’t know what to do. I have been battling depression for a while but it just got way worse I can’t get out of bed. Is there anything I can do that will help? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3439,"My source of happiness is the inside of my mind : God in there I have a bf that cares for me and holds me every night
in there I have friends who would never betray me 
in there people remember my birthday
in there the people are kind 
in there the people don’t shout
in there everyone lives because they want to 
in there my heart isn’t broken
in there my best friend is not suicidal 
in there i can think for the future 
in there i am happy",not depression
dev_pid_3440,"I lost all of my self respect : So I had depression for 3 years. Im 22. I never had a reason to be depressed, in all self honesty. I was always really self reflected. But during the depression the thought : You might be gay ,came up. It killed everything for me. I didnt like girls anymore. I couldnt get horny. I lost my identity. Couldnt define my place in society. All this may be caused by depression, but it became my main problem. 
I would block off my male friends in fear. I just couldnt respect myself anymore. 
Now its almost gone. But i still feel like i lost it all.",not depression
dev_pid_3441,"I don't deserve forgiveness : I feel as if my actions in the past with my ex are unforgivable. I lashed out at her, I directed my anger towards her, I lied to her, I manipulated her and I was sexually aggressive with her. I used her like she was a thing. And only months after she left me I realize how much I made her upset. How much I hate myself for what I did to her. She deserved so much better than what I gave to her. And now she hates me and I don't know what to do about it. I just want her to be happy even if it isn't I who makes her happy as mu h as that pains me. idk what to do anymore. I have no friends I can talk to, no family I can confide in. She was my everything. I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to move on but damn is it difficult.",not depression
dev_pid_3442,"You know you always hear “money can’t solves your problems” and it’s hard to believe until you can truly say that yourself : I grew up extremely poor in a bad neighborhood. My mother, my two sisters and I have been through so much shit. We’ve been kicked out of houses by our own family members, I remember times where my mother would have sex with guys just so we would have a place to stay for the night and I even seen a guy get shot and killed right in front me. There’s so many other things that’s I’ve been through, but when I was in my teens I met a girl and became extremely close with her family. I wouldn’t say they were extremely wealthy but they had good money they took care of me and eventually adopted me, Even after me and their daughter had broken up. Once I stayed with them I thought that it was my ticket out I could finally be happy. Her father owns  a construction company and I’ll say now that I’m a big part of it now. I make a good amount of money not anything major. What I’m saying is I make enough to get all of things I thought would make me happy like my dream car, my own place, a dog and occasionally a girlfriend. I even sometimes financially help my real mom and family when I’m able to. But I still feel empty inside I go weeks where I just feel like I’m floating around like a shell. I fall so deep into depression that I go weeks without showering and my appetite is not existent. When I’m not out faking a smile I sit in my room in complete solitude. I don’t think a single thing in this world could make me happy. Ive accomplished so many things they I know I should be proud of myself for but I never am.  I’m just lost you know and I figured if I haven’t found happiness now I don’t think I ever will.",not depression
dev_pid_3443,"I just want to sleep : My life is a complete mess right now. I’m single handedly ruining it every day and the only time I can do something right is when I’m sleeping. I hate waking up and as soon as I hear my alarm in the morning I have to live again and it’s the worst feeling. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to wake up. I just want to be happy and I can’t seem to figure it out and everytime I try something new, I just bury myself in a deeper hole.",not depression
dev_pid_3444,Is anyone else REALLY weird about lighting? People think I’m crazy : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3445,There's always a way out of the pain : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3446,"It won’t stop : I keep fucking waking up , everytime I lay down to sleep I’m so convinced in my head it’s my suicide. I want to be dead. I’m so tired of life and the way I feel. I can’t get myself to kill myself yet but it’s seriously all I want now.",not depression
dev_pid_3447,school is SUPPOSED to make us better. : when i wake up in the mornings i want to cry. i always wake up with this feeling that there's a hole in my stomach and it makes me want to rip my guts out. i go to school and get graded and i always get bad grades and it constantly makes me feel like absolute worthless shit. i feel like less than shit less than dirt less than nothing. i keep getting bad grades and it makes me just want to go home and distract myself with anything but school work and because of that i end up not doing my school work then i get disappointed glares from teachers which makes me feel worse and then i get shit test grades and i feel even worse and everyone else talks about how easy it was and i feel worse and worse and worse and it just keeps going and I don't know what to do anymore other than give up and just get a GED when I'm older. school shouldn't make us feel this way. all my teachers say grades aren't that important and we should focus on our own learning but it is. if it wasn't like that I probably wouldn't be feeling like less than shit right now. everything is weighed on how good we do when we're only fucking teenagers. i have been diagnosed with depression and i told one of my teachers about it and she's sweet but god she made it so much worse. she treats me different now she gives me hints on tests she always looks at me with her un-known pity and in the mornings says good morning to me with a voice you would use to lovingly talk to a baby or dog. i don't want to be talked to like a dog i want to be talked to and treated like a fucking equal like I'm just another fucking student makes me feel worse and different and less than others. a place where we spend the majority of our days shouldn't make us feel like crap I shouldn't have to feel this way I'm only 15 and I can only take so much of this.,not depression
dev_pid_3448,"I'm feeling really awful lately. : Nothing goes inside my head, everyone seems cold, distant and annoying. I feel anxious, I can't sleep. I always have recurring unnecessary thoughts. Obnoxiousness drives me and I can't concentrate on anything I do. I don't know what's happening.",not depression
dev_pid_3449,There will be a day when all of this is forgotten right? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3450,"So my abuse situation had an incident today. : Got in a spat with my mom (didn’t have any breakfast in my system so I got angry and made remarks) and she got in my face saying “I’m not threatening you. If I was I’d just go and do it and call the police myself”. Oh and she mocked the “the flashbacks” thing. Cause when she scares me like that or uses tones she used to when she whooped me I get flashbacks to it - almost PTSD like. Maybe I am a bad son.... maybe I do need to off myself.... I’m too much of a scared Zoomer to move out on my own.... and CPS wouldn’t care... and the cops called it discipline... and it’s not been physical in ~3 years... 
I’m being more quiet.... almost shrill. Scared to talk.... worried to say anything.... because what if she hears? What if she hits me? What if she kicks me out? I mean.... I don’t deserve to eat....",not depression
dev_pid_3451,"just an NPC... : I gave up; ""I'm just an NPC"" this thought helps me accept having to live ...",not depression
dev_pid_3452,"Just lost half our income : ...to COVID-19. And no, we don’t qualify for unemployment, unfortunately. I’ve never been this kind of depressed before: being in an actual hopeless situation with no clue how you’re gonna get out of it. 
Where’s that fuckin’ genie lamp?",not depression
dev_pid_3453,Does anyone else feel worse after talking to a “Mental health professional”? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3454,"So fucking stupid : I'm so fucking stupid. How I could ever think that I could be happy and have a happy life. Fucking jokes. 
3 years of dating, 2 years of living together. I finally decided to change my driver's license and health card to match where we live together. Feel like my entire life is falling into place, that I'm with my forever person. And 3 fucking months later he decides that he isn't in love with me anymore, that he doesn't think we are right for each other... 
How could I be so fucking stupid to think that I could be comfortable and happy in life because everything leading up to him told me different. But he made me feel safe, he made me think life could be different, be better... Well jokes on me",not depression
dev_pid_3455,"Why can’t I just catch a break I literally can’t deal with this right now : So you guys know how we are quarantined.Well I figured that since that’s the case I won’t have to get up at the time school starts which is true for me.So LASTNIGHT my mom said we have to stay on schedule 😢 that means I can’t have one night without worrying about what time it is before I have to sleep (which is 8:30).I have to get up at 8 to get out of my pj’s and onto my homework right when I wake up.She keeps saying so I can stay on schedule but I can’t do this it feels like I’m in school no matter what.Its not like I’m not doing my work when I’m ready!But today when I woke up at 9 I saw that she had called me to wake up me up but right after I did she called me again just to say to put on some clothes brush ur teeth and all that.I wanted to cry because I hated it since it’s online school not real school :(.Wtf is on schedule we aren’t going to be in school for a few weeks so I thought that I’d get to enjoy my time at home!Now I feel sick at the thought of repeating the same thing over and over again from the comfort of my home.I can’t do this.Its like going back for a bunch of shots, ur mindset (for some) is just “I can’t go back please I can’t go back not yet!” at the moment my mom might even call me and say why aren’t I upstairs yet 😔 my mindset in life has always been just wait till ur 18 you’ll be binge eating free and have a less stressful time getting through life.",not depression
dev_pid_3456,"I will find work in a doggie day care or boarding house or at the vet : Low stress no humans, dogs all the time would be the most ideal job for me now
I’m just so lost. I just need a direction in my life",not depression
dev_pid_3457,"Can't just be calling dead people.. : We lost my dad Monday. Even though he had stage 4 kidney cancer that had spread and a whole host of other issues, it came as a sudden shock. His chemo had been working. All tumors had shrank by at least 50%. Then 3 weeks ago, he got sick. It played out like side effects from the first chemo drug he had tried. We didnt worry too much as he had an upcoming appointment. Then Monday, my sister texted me that he was gone (text due to no service in the hospital). He was septic. His one kidney had failed completely. Then, he was just gone. They also found pneumonia. Well, they are being shady AF with his body. They took him to autopsy and then to forensics. They told us it will be at least 10-14 more days  before they release his body. Possibly due to not sleeping much this past week, I have started to wonder about things. His symptoms kind of match up with the corona virus. That combined with the way they are acting with his body really makes me wonder. My dad loved conspiracy theories. Today on my break at work, I had a knee-jerk reaction to call and tell him what I was thinking. But, as it turns out, you can't call dead people and tell them why you think they died. They dont answer. Fucked me up a bit, and now I'm just messy crying.",not depression
dev_pid_3458,Depressing songs? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3459,I’m an Introvert but have to deal with annoying extroverts in school. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3460,Does anyone else feel the urge to indulge in their loneliness and depression? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3461,I wish everyone would forget me so killing myself would be a lot easier : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3462,"I hate these holidays : In this time of crisis, I also call for a nationwide ban on the celebration of all bullshit holidays except for Christmas-time holidays (this includes Kwanzaa). Enough of celebrating St Patrick’s Day, mother’s/father’ day, Valentine’s Day, etc. I’d even include holidays with fireworks because I hate seeing my dogs shaking and panting. I’m tired of having to act like I give a shit around my wife and son about these stupid holidays that have nothing to do with my culture.  One day, once a year to celebrate whatever the hell you want, and that day is December 25th. I’m not even a big fan of Christmas, but might as well use that day. I’m right now in the midst of playing “search for a leprechaun” in our house and it’s fucking stupid. My wife started it and wants to carry it on all damn day, but she’s working and I’m not - so I’m the one whose gotta keep it going for my kid and I have zero desire to. Man this shit sucks.",not depression
dev_pid_3463,"Don’t care about my family members anymore. : My mom, dad, grandmothers, sisters. I just don’t care about them anymore. Don’t talk to my mom, don’t call my dad anymore, don’t call my grandmothers, don’t talk to my sisters. I’m so desensitized and emotionally inept that it makes me just not have a single care for anything including my loved ones. If my 12 year old self saw me he would be horrified, calling me evil and what not. I just don’t give a single shit. I think that I’m just so tired of pretending to look “ok” around them that I just don’t have the energy to keep on pretending. Nothing has been authentic with me around people and I’m at that age where I’m realizing pretending will have no benefit to me. I fucking hate all of this. Fuck everything.",not depression
dev_pid_3464,I finally deactivated my Instagram account. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3465,Lost wallet causes me to to have a mental breakdown : I know to alot this may seem as a minor issue but for me this is hard.i lost my wallet the other at the store amid all the madness that is happening in the world the 8 closees at 8pm I didn't know that I got there at 7 thinking o had some to do what I need as I am being rushed around the store by my roommate we get to check out and I noticed my wallet isn't in my pocket my anxiety starts to kick in I have 150 dollars worth of stuff and no wallet.my roommate mom drove us to the store and I ask for her keys in the hope that its just in the car and all will be well nope I get to the car open the door the alarm is going off I am panicking everyone in the parking lot is looking at me I call my roommate he comes out and just get in and look around I look and dont see and dont see it he runs into. I ask the guard if anyone brought anything to him he said no.my roommate mom just pays for our groceries.im trying my best not to break down and cry in the car.when I get home I ripping through the house looking for it and don't find it .I haven't slept or eaten and have just crying because everything is in that wallet my social security my passport and other important things. I have call the store like 5 times and I went there and nothing .,not depression
dev_pid_3466,"Resources & ideas for those struggling with the COVID-19 lockdowns and isolation : Hi everyone!  Gosh has everything gotten CRAZY with all these countries and places being closed down, locked down, and forbidden social contact. I've read sooooo much about people struggling and panicking about what to do now that social life has been removed.  I struggle with severe depression and anxiety and just came out of a horrible episode recently - only to also be shut down and isolated again by all this madness. 
Anyway, my heart goes out to everyone struggling with this like I am.  Some of you are having an even worse time than me, too, and I want to remind you you're not alone. 
Here are some ideas and things all of us can try to do together to stay on top of this isolation situation, and stay away from suicide as an option. I know FOR A FACT that these options cannot CURE anything and this is not a complete list!!
Please add your own ideas in the comments too.  We can do this, guys!! 
1. If we're isolated, HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF OTHER PEOPLE ARE TOO!! Let's go find them!! Thank god for the internet!  We are NOT alone.  Let's use each other here on Reddit, and/or other online forums and options!  Stay online. Keep talking. Stay connected.  We are not alone. 
2. Play video games.  It's kind of like reading a book without the kind of mental attention that it takes to read.  Just go through the motions.  Try to lose yourself in it a little bit. And try making friends online through online multiplayer or something.  Dont have money? There are thousands of free ones.  Dont have a console? Use your computer. Dont have a computer? Use your phone!  
3.  Join another forum or online community.  There are options here on Reddit, and one Google search of ""online communities"" will give you a hundred more!  Most of the time they're completely free and many are anonymous if that's your thing.  Let's go meet people and talk about what's going on, and how we can all relate to being sad about being stuck inside.  
4.  Instead of true ""video games"", you can also play just simpler games online with other people, and chat while doing it.  Online checkers, chess, words with friends, card games - easy to learn, lots of people to meet. Probably some ""friends"" here that will join you on one of those games or sites too! Heck knows I would. Invite me! 
Anybody else have more ideas?  Please share!  
Anyway, I hope this helps.  We can do this, guys, its gonna be okay.  (*cue my irrational anxiety trying to tell me otherwise, and me trying to beat it away with an imaginary broom lol)",not depression
dev_pid_3467,"Meditators, how beneficial has it been for you? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3468,I wished I could kill the whole world : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3469,I feel like everything is gonna blow up : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3470,"Always feel like an outsider... : You ever feel like you don't belong? Then you finally feel safe enough to let your guard down, be yourself and actually try to hold a conversation with people? But, they look at you like you have 2 heads cause you don't actually know how to interact with other humans, and you overdo it because you've been in your little shell for far too long. So, you just want to apologize and be like ""sorry for trying to fit in a little. I'll just keep being the quiet weirdo. But don't try to pull me out of this fucking shell ever again. It's the only place I feel safe."" I keep telling myself I don't know why I bother, I'm just gonna embarrass myself. I just wish I could go back to my home planet with all the other weirdos and quit trying to be something I'm not.",not depression
dev_pid_3471,"How are you all managing through the pandemic? : I am wondering how everyone else is managing to cope through the pandemic? I was doing fine with my depression..I managed it very well by getting help and keeping busy. However now being forced into limited socializing is starting to hit me hard. Then my favorite activities went away...Gym and Kickboxing has done wonders for my anxiety and depression and realizing these things was taken away from me caused me to have a breakdown in front of my girlfriend last night because these two things was such a great distraction and great way to clear my mind..
Sure I can train at home..but it isn't the same..too many distractions..not enough equipment. I am a gamer at heart but even that only ties up my anxiety for so long. To be honest I am not sure what I can do at this time..I just will try to do the best I can even if working out at home sucks..
Is anyone else experiencing anything similar? I imagine others is having a tough go..and I hope you are all alright. I just need to hear that I am not alone in this and I am not losing my mind..",not depression
dev_pid_3472,"I'm young, successful, fit, and healthy. 9 contractor bags of trash removed from my house. : https://imgur.com/p4AOZe5
Don't ever think you understand how deep someone's depression can go. Don't give up fighting yours.
I still have a long way to go getting my house cleaned up but this is a start. Each bag is an 8 mil 55 gallon liner. They're huge. Picture might not fully capture that.
Hope you're all doing well. Just wanted to share this accomplishment.",not depression
dev_pid_3473,I just drank detergent : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3474,"Phone interview in 40 minutes : I can feel my anxiety building.
I’m trying to think of excuses to get out of it.
Strongly considering not answering and turning my phone off.
But I need money. I’ve been unemployed for a month now. 
Just broke up with my boyfriend last night and nothing seems to matter anymore (he was using me and not paying his part of rent).
I have no one so why bother trying?
Why am I even trying to continue to live this pathetic life?
I could just finally follow through with killing myself. If I don’t pay rent at the end of this month it will only take about a week until the landlord comes knocking.
I can put a sign on my bedroom door so she won’t have to see my dead body. I don’t want to traumatize anyone.
I think about these things on a daily basis.",not depression
dev_pid_3475,"I don't know if i have depression : I feel alone all the fucking time i feel like people don't even now that i exist, i feel like no one cares about my life anymore my friend don't talk to me anymore, haven't huged a girl in almost a year i feel like crying all the fucking day , haven't got a text from anyone in months , i feel like shit all the time, i hate being ugly i hate myself i don't know what should i do anymore, i don't want to do shit with my life anymore, i just need a fucking hug or a friend, i have been holding this feeling for months haven't talked to anyone about it, people just don't give a fuck about how i feel",not depression
dev_pid_3476,Should've killed myself in 6th grade : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3477,"Finally got myself to play guitar again. : Got a new guitar on my birthday (september) played for a little and lost all my hope for being good at it, now im starting all over again and i feel like i'm finally gonna make it wish me luck.",not depression
dev_pid_3478,"My workplace refuses to let me work from home, thinking of quitting. : So I am a receptionist, BUT all my work can literally be done at home.
Yes, even transferring calls. There is a solution for EVERY SINGLE THING.
However, they refuse to let me or my college work from home. Everyone else can though.
Tomorrow we will have a meeting with the director, and honestly if they refuse to budge I will quit right there and then. They showed how little they care about us, and where we live the situation is getting worse and worse. 
If I get the virus I might survive but my elderly parents will not, and I am an only child. I do not have anywhere else to go, so they are putting my life as well as my parent's lives at risk by not letting me work from home.
Is there anything else you would tell them? I can't afford being jobless but man, health comes first",not depression
dev_pid_3479,"How to make them proprely suffer? :  [**I'm looking for ways to make young woman suffer incredible emotional pains, something that would slowly grind down their will to live? it needs to be something I can keep at for the rest of my life, I don't wanna end up going to jail then I can't be their worst nightmare anymore and it will be over.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/fk81ih/im_looking_for_ways_to_make_young_woman_suffer/)",not depression
dev_pid_3480,"the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky : just a few minutes ago, i was in a very bad place. out of nowhere, i thought about a scene from the film adaptation of this book and it automatically calmed me down. i literally felt like a light bulb go off in my head and i instantly stopped crying.
charlie: ""there is so much pain. and i don't know how to not notice it.""
psychiatrist: ""what's hurting you?""
charlie: ""no, not me. it's them. it's everyone. it never stops. do you understand?""
i don't really know how to explain the peace i felt while remembering this scene. i got off my bed, walked over to my bookcase, pulled out the book and I'm going to reread it now. i know that this book became very popular in 2012 and made so many people, myself included, feel less alone. if you're going through a hard time adapting to this sudden change of pace that the world is feeling right now, i hope this scene helps put it into words for you. i hope that it validates your feelings. i hope that it gives you comfort.",not depression
dev_pid_3481,I wish I just had somebody who understands : I'm lonely and I'm sick of small talk and all of this bullshit. I'm never good enough for anyone and I've tried everything. I wonder if this is just all we get and my expectations are too high or if I'm not able to change no matter how hard I try. I really want to give it all up and I kinda already have,not depression
dev_pid_3482,"What the fuck was I thinking? : I spent the last 9 years wasting a 200k inheritance on weed, cigarettes and traveling. I only ate garbage and I would smoke at least 5 joints per day + a pack of cigarettes. Quit this summer.
Aka ruined my life before 30 because I'll die of cancer.",not depression
dev_pid_3483,"It’s been one full year of nothing but shitty expiriences and setbacks. I’m tired of life : Exactly one year ago, I found out the person I’d been with for 4 years, wasn’t in love anymore. Shortly after that, we moved out of our house we had together. Once I got my own apartment, I found alcohol and started to drink. Not even a couple months afterwards, I got laid off from my job, a very good job I actually loved. 
Eventually I drank so much I got alcohol poisoning. So I stopped drinking. 
Then I found pills. I took them to numb the pain so I didn’t have to deal with it. It started getting so bad to the point where I came to my minimum wage job high and putting others life in danger. So I admitted myself into a mental behavioral hospital to detox. There I was diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety. 
Once out, I felt so much better. Like I had a new perception of life. 
A couple weeks after leaving rehab, I had a major medical emergency which resulted in me having to be on bed rest for a week+. I started to get really depressed being at home and stuck in bed. I felt like I couldn’t complain because I had come so far, I didn’t want anyone to know I was slipping back into depression. 
So I started to cut, and self harm. 
It ended with me being cared for by my parents. They wanted me to move home so I felt more surrounded by people and safer. So I obliged. 
Within that same time period, I lost the little job I had. 
Once home, I decided to turn to pills to help me sleep since it had been 3-4 after moving in with no sleep. I was 28 days sober. 
Unfortunately, the pills were laced and i ended up blacking out and getting arrested and charged. 
Not even a week later, I went and did it again. But this time, my “friend” was the one who got arrested. 
Now currently, its been a full year since I broke things off w/ the ex. I have no job, I’ve wrecked my car, got my license revoked. Im going through a trial right now, and worrying about dealing with court costs and lawyer fees. 
All the friends I’ve had along the way have left. Because I’m “too much to deal with”. There’s nothing good that comes with me. And the rest of them left because I’ve tried so hard to eliminate alcohol and drugs from my life. 
I’ve come to realize, I struggle badly with addiction as well as depression and anxiety. And life just seems to get worse and worse as the days go by. 
I’ve thought about suicide but I have 8 brothers and sisters and a mother and father who I can’t hurt that badly. It’s unfair I take the easy way out when they’ve done so much to try and make me better. 
Im just tired.",not depression
dev_pid_3484,My brain randomly came up with this and it makes a lot of sense. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3485,"i don’t mean anything to anyone at all. : anyone else ever sit back and just realize, ‘wow, i’m truly alone’. it just hurts, a whole lot. i’m doing my best, but i’m so tired. i’m afraid i’ll never add up to anything.",not depression
dev_pid_3486,"idek : well I've done it again, i've laid here until an hour before work just trying to convince myself to get up. the only thing convincing me right now is i'm the only one with a job. today is my 9th day in a row without a day off. it just keeps getting harder to get up and go out into the world. I literally feel like I'm going to implode. the feeling of impending doom is at a high today. hooray",not depression
dev_pid_3487,Zoloft - My Sleep Cycle Is Screwed Up : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3488,my life never gets better : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3489,I hate all people : I wish people would all die of the virus. People disgust me especially girls bc theyre all whores. Covid shouldve been targeting young (pregnant) women but God didnt answer my prayers,not depression
dev_pid_3490,Zoloft - Sleep Issues 😤 : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3491,I’m just realizing no one really cares about retail workers : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3492,Feeling broken and Lost : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3493,Zoloft - Sleep Issues 😤 : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3494,"Boyfriend is leaving me. Why do I want him more than ever? : I’ve fucked up again. Long story short, I have fucked up a lot.... like 16 chances too late fucked up. I am 23 (f) and he is 26. 
It always involves another person. Not always bad. Not ever justified. This last time I responded to an ex who was supposed to be blocked. The conversation was short and we talked about nothing that would be taken wrong or bad. BUT I LIED. I fucking lied. I don’t know why. I was drunk when he brought it up and I just lied and stuck to it EVEN THOUGH I KNEW HE KNEW?!?!?! Why? I even woke up the morning after he saw all of it and I knew, I told my coworker, I knew he knew. I had been SO good. I really truly was happy because I thought I conquered my problems and then one message and BOOM! Life over. Family torn. Future gone. 
Anyways, I have some questions and want some thoughts... before I’ll just give some backstory on me. I have been sexually abused by a couple people close to me before. I used to be obsessed with sex. I wanted to be the best. I wanted everyone to know I was, I was proud but didn’t have many sexual partners. I didn’t have sex easily. Over time it got easier and I slept with a couple I regretted. Well fast forward like 2 1/2 years into my relationship and I stopped having a libido. I got on medicine for depression and anxiety about 2 years into our relationship (too late). Well I got on Wellbutrin to try and help this and it did for a while. Then I upped it because it wasn’t helping again. 
BUT EVERYTIME my boyfriend and I break up like this, I want to have sex with him every second of the day. But I can’t..... is this because I can’t have him? Is it because of my past? What is this? If we fucked more during our relationship we probably wouldn’t be here. What is wrong with me?! Any suggestions or thoughts?! I’m having a hard time finding a therapist because I can’t afford it and the last one I saw I didn’t like....",not depression
dev_pid_3495,"I feel that it is too late to fix my life : Everything has been a mess for the past 10 years and it seems too late to change anything. I always feel inferior, I don't like who I am, I am ashamed and disappointed with my life and my choices.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I am lightyears behind and I don't have anything of value other than my declining health. I wish I could wake up in the morning for once and feel okay/looking forward to the day.
I dread living my life because it has been in a downward spiral for as long as I can remember
The only people who care about me are people who want me to live my life under their conditions, conditions I cannot abide by. As such, I am left alone without support or anyone to really turn to. I am no one's first choice
I wouldn't choose me either",not depression
dev_pid_3496,"I'm unemployed and I have no motivation to find a job : I'm a 23 year old unemployed woman still living with my mom. I quit my job 3 months ago because of the stress and anxiety it was putting me through. Of late my mental health has worsened a lot and I can't seem to get out of the loop. Everything makes me cry and I don't even feel like going out of my room most days. I go to a psychiatrist and I am on meds but nothing seems to be working. (Ive changed almost 7 therapists/psychiatrists now because my mental health was showing no improvement.) I feel like a parasite, latching on to my mother and aunts for financial support. I want to move out and live independently but I don't even feel anything. I don't feel like doing anything, let alone wanting to work. I constantly worry whether I'm just being lazy and making excuses or whether I genuinely have a problem. I don't want to face people, give interviews or work among other people. Everytime I get a job I end up having panic attacks and excessively stressing out. The thought of having responsibility and knowing that there are certain expectations I have to meet while working, and the constant anxiety of doing badly at my job trouble me so much. I don't want to go through any of this. I don't want to. I don't want to do anything. I'm tired of being taunted by everyone and having to dodge questions about why I'm still unemployed. I feel useless and worthless and I don't know how to get out of this cycle.",not depression
dev_pid_3497,Debated crashing my car while driving today. : I was literally driving my girlfriend to this store and traffic was so insane. I kept getting cut off and people almost hit me. Eventually I just thought “thanks god she’s here because I just wanna drive off this fucking road”. The slightest inconvenience is starting to set me off and it kind of worries me.,not depression
dev_pid_3498,"Something beautiful I found in YouTube comments and just thought you want to see it : Here it goes:
Kyle Broussard
1 year ago
The most depressed people always seem the happiest around people they know, and usually show love in the most unconditional ways - except towards themselves. 
Always remember this. When you meet someone who goes out of the way to help everyone, don't take it for granted, because they are usually the first ones to leave this world way too early. 
Just pull them aside and let them know it's alright and that we are all lost here. That's all they need, is just recognition that someone sees what they are going through and can see through all the bullshit that doesn't matter, and truly connect with them - even if just for a second - to have a human moment. 
Even subtle eye contact can do it. Just don't let these folks rot inside without at least trying to connect. Cuz they are the people we need to make positive changes in this world. 
Depression is no joke, and it often plagues the most intelligent minds - for to them, they are alone. Cast away in a world where only they see the wrong, and everyone is so focused on dumb shit that they can't connect even for a second. And all they want is to be loved. To legitimately wake up and feel like someone needs them to exist. They need this more than other people, because they do not often love themselves. 
They have the most doubts, regrets, questions, and the least feeling of self purpose. They realize their lack of universal relevance and do not attribute any sense of ownership - and therefore achievement behind most of what the rest of the world deems to be success. To them, success comes not from the outside world of money or women or drugs or fam or power, but from within. But without the knowledge of what it is they seek to complete themselves, they are able to accomplish many more feats than their peers, and yet still feel empty inside even once they have achieved monumental accomplishments, while most are content with a TV show and a bowl of ice cream. 
They continually question their purpose - which fuels their creative minds, but if unchecked can lead to self ruin. Maybe find some time in between checking your phone for notifications about sports and watching drama shows on your TV to give them a call and say you love them. It might just be what keeps them on this planet.
Taken from Mac Miller - Conversation pt. 1 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YcXhpgHwvI) sorry, on mobile
I just thought I can brighten up someone's day as it did mine, be strong yall.",not depression
dev_pid_3499,"I’m sad and I don’t know why I’m sad : I thought all my problems were settled but no. I guess depression is like cancer, there’s no cure to it. I feel sad, anxious, nervous and still have panic attacks. What’s wrong with me",not depression
dev_pid_3500,"Something beautiful I found in YouTube comments(I know, right) and just wanted to share it with you guys : Here it goes:
The most depressed people always seem the happiest around people they know, and usually show love in the most unconditional ways - except towards themselves.
Always remember this. When you meet someone who goes out of the way to help everyone, don't take it for granted, because they are usually the first ones to leave this world way too early.
Just pull them aside and let them know it's alright and that we are all lost here. That's all they need, is just recognition that someone sees what they are going through and can see through all the bullshit that doesn't matter, and truly connect with them - even if just for a second - to have a human moment.
Even subtle eye contact can do it. Just don't let these folks rot inside without at least trying to connect. Cuz they are the people we need to make positive changes in this world.
Depression is no joke, and it often plagues the most intelligent minds - for to them, they are alone. Cast away in a world where only they see the wrong, and everyone is so focused on dumb shit that they can't connect even for a second. And all they want is to be loved. To legitimately wake up and feel like someone needs them to exist. They need this more than other people, because they do not often love themselves.
They have the most doubts, regrets, questions, and the least feeling of self purpose. They realize their lack of universal relevance and do not attribute any sense of ownership - and therefore achievement behind most of what the rest of the world deems to be success. To them, success comes not from the outside world of money or women or drugs or fam or power, but from within. But without the knowledge of what it is they seek to complete themselves, they are able to accomplish many more feats than their peers, and yet still feel empty inside even once they have achieved monumental accomplishments, while most are content with a TV show and a bowl of ice cream.
I just thought I can brighten up someone's day as it did mine, be strong yall.",not depression
dev_pid_3501,"Essential Oils? : I am not sure if this is allowed so take down if it isn't, but has anyone tried essential oils for their depression/anxiety? If so, has it worked for you? I do not respond to therapy or meds so I am running out of options for managing all of it.",not depression
dev_pid_3502,"I don't have depression. but I need advice, I tried to post in so many Sub Reddits but it keeps deleting : Hey, I'm in a 14 year old female (9th grade), and right now I'm in a low point in my life ( no I am not one of those im14andthisisdeep girls haha). At the moment I really don't want to discuss everything yet, but there is this one situation I do.
ALSO please mind that I am bad at expressing myself, so this may sound repetitive.
I'll try to list everything...
My friend group consists of around 9 people (I think, it keeps adding up, and I'll explain later). There is this girl in my ""friend group"" (can't really say 'friends"" because I am not really close to them) who keeps avoiding me. She started to avoid me around the start of the school year. She started show her dislike around me when my friends were talking jokingly, (I can't recall properly, sorry) that if they were not going to receive any flowers in Valentines Day, hence saying some people in my friend group do, they would group up and watch a movie together. I was curious, so I asked something related to it (sorry, can't remember exactly :(, I think I said something like ""Oh! What movie?"" or ""When?"" (like when would this event take place) ). She then rudely replies with ""Who are YOU!?"". This other girl from my friend group just stared at me (Not in a rude way, but in a way I can't read her expression) I was kind of hurt then.
This behaviour kept continuing. Around a few days later, I went to the spot where my friends sat, and sat next to the girl who apparently dislikes me. She IMMEDIATELY stood up and rushed (no kidding, she ran away from me) to the opposite side, and sat there. I just blankly stared at her, again hurt the frick for me. The group stayed silent, then same girl who looked at me then said ""Oh, I know why"".
Because of this, I was in a shit mood. The shittiest mood I've been compared to the whole day. I was walking to my HSIE class (where 2 of my other ""friends"" were in). I asked one of them, (for her privacy, I'll call her ""Sally"") why (let's call her Fiona) keeps avoiding me. Sally replies saying I said something to Fiona *A FEW MONTHS AGO* that pissed her off. Sally then tells me to not worry, and that Fiona is a *""petty person""* . (Honestly, I thought okay, wtf? I actually was actually tearing up a bit due to sadness, not to the extent of crying though)
Timeskip to a few days, (with Fiona going to the opposite side of the friend circle *As AlWaYs!1!,* and with me now, I try no to be near her, but even being the slight nearest, she goes even further away). I asked someone who was friends/close to Fiona while going out of my commerce class to the next period. I explained the situation to her (*whilst clinging to the edge of the wall like that Yandere girl from Yandere simulator because I am awkward af, seriously*). She also responds to something similar. She said Fiano used to act up like that to her and I just need to get used to it. (I was tearing up AgAin (not to the extend to cry) \*le fucking sigh\*). She then adds ""Oh, you don't like it?"". She then says something similar that Sally said before ""She is just petty"" (ugh so tired of hearing that word from everyone).
Timeskip\~\~
She keeps avoiding me, not sitting next to me. Recently I was going to the bathroom with another girl, whilst walking back to class, Fiona responds ""Hey -name-"" and ignores me (wow, how nice...). When I talk, she glares at me. And more, more, MORE negative reactions to me.
Today, I had HSIE class after lunch. I was 'complaining' (not in an annoying way) about how boring it was. And then fucking Piano responds with ""Maybe if you had friends"".
I pause, literally a flash of emotions hit me: hurtfulness, pain, frustration, anger, you name it. I had just enough with her play and said something around (maybe I should of responded differently, more direct? and not nicely?) ""Why do you hate me, whatever you did, just tell me, I will say sorry"" and blah blah blah. (Sorry, I only started to notice I was too kind this year, and that it lead to me being hurt, and people taking the advantage to go on top of me (yeah, there are a few girls, again? why would you hate me?, who dislike me. I won't talk about it because this thread would be WAYYY too long) ).
Fiona then replies with ""Nothing/No you did nothing wrong. \*I just hate you."" .\*I was spreading in a bad mood. Bad morning, had a maths test, didn't sleep because I was staying up studying and also extremely VERY stressed!
The group went silent, stopped talking. I had enough, I don't want to be apart of the group (explain later). I don't want to be near HER. I. fucking.had.enough. I abruptly left the group (sorry, should've mentioned earlier, but I do that more and more often when she does something shitty to me) and walked around, staring at happy (I mean I don't really know) people with their friends, fake smiling.(ugh for some reason I approached some closely just to stare at them.
Ugh fucking amazing life.
Also I will talk about my friends now.
They weren't a fixed group, especially around 8th grade. You know when there is a new student, and the teacher would just ~~force~~ put them in your group? Well, welcome to mine!
Anyways, my group is basically where new people come. There has been 1 from 8th grade (never met her before) and an old friend who came back(left). There would be another girl who would hang out in my group and another one (that one more now). This year, 9th grade, already on our 6th week, 2 girls were introduced (I don't even remember their names).
There are certain things that creates a friend group. For example, if you like books, you stay with bookworms (the ""bookworm group""). Because of this (tho, nothing like that made me feel close to my friends), my friends group isn't so closely connected to one another. Like lunch is so fucking boring now. When was the last time I had fun during recess or lunch?(Note\_ 4 out of 5 days I have school meetings on lunch, just SRC things!) Now people just eat due to boredom, and half of them go on their phones. No (little) interactions created. I am quiet, but not the most quiet in the group, now I am. When they talk, they laugh, I don't.
But seriously, I never felt close to my friends, they would go to parties, parks, movies with each other, where am I? at home. They had photos posted on instagram one time of them in a party. They tagged each other, not including ME (only one, thanks. Btw not close to her though). They printed photo cards of those pictures and shared them to each other as memory (some are on their phone case). One picture was the korean hand heart (that saranghaeyo thingy) they made together as a circle. (Wow, like that didn't;t hurt)
Im not close to them, I feel lonely being around them, and I have no one to talk to, no one to trust. Where do I go now? How do I make friends? Because of this, I've reached out bout my loneliness online (in a few different platforms) to talk to. It's nicer to talk to someone online though.. They don't know me and keep this secret...
Sorry, this was longer than I thought. There is more I want to talk about (I never thought something that I thought was small would end up being this long). I may post some more in the future.
If there is something you want me to elaborate on, please feel free to ask! (But I won't respond if it is too personal hehe). I need someone to talk to...",not depression
dev_pid_3503,Toxic environment : I live with my family that just doesn't know me and they force me into doing things I don't want. If I want to do it I will but they keep forcing me. I feel like if I can choose being dead or alive I would choose death. I want to kill myself everyday.,not depression
dev_pid_3504,"On my mind : So after ages I finally asked my Crush (and one of my best friends) out on a date. And she said yes.  
This made me the fking happiest i've bin in forever. After 2 months of dating I realized that we were taking it very slowly. I thought it was fine, good things need their time to blossom. After another 2 months I realized that i was suffering under these circumstances and that it was really hard for me not knowing if she still liked me back. Yes we kissed and yes she initiated it once but two weeks ago this happened:  
After one of the best nights i ever had, we were talking in the car and I just asked if everything was alright with ""us"". After a moment of silence I dreaded her answer and then she startet trying to say something. She tried and tied again and again until she finally said: "" I am in love with someone else... And the thing is it's not another male.""  
This has been really hard on me. I don't think she's a Lesbian but i, felt how insecure she was about her own sexuallity and that she was sooo afraid that people would not accept her anymore.   
Now i am stuck in a wierd af situation. I still really love her and I feel like giving up on ""us"" isnt even an option. She has been one of my best friend in ages and I dont want to loose her. But i dont know if its healthy for me if we keep on seeing each other or hanging out. I mean ive been kinda depressed for a while now, the bad feelings and thought come and go.
I'm also worried that if I distance myself from her that it would intensify her insecurites.
If she were in love with another guy i'd probalby stop seeing her tho, wouldn't I? Or at least I should, shouldn't I?  
This shit has been really hard on me.  
I mean seriously I think about her ALL THE TIME. Everything reminds me of the awsome times we had and now I cant even watch lebian Pron without being blue.  
Thanks for reading...",not depression
dev_pid_3505,Dose anyone els randomly lose 3kg over night and find it hard to put back on? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3506,"I can’t keep this up. : The fight has left me. I really don’t have the strength to keep pushing through every day. If it weren’t for my wife and parents I would have checked out long ago. I can’t do that to them. I also can’t keep on like this. The mask is starting to crack. I’ve no lack for support or professional help. I take my meds. I go to therapy. I look after myself physically. I’m doing the right things, yet nearly every minute of every day I just want to die. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m basically waiting for the clock to run out. That’s 20-30 years away. Holy hell is that thought terrifying. This feels like prison with no chance of parole.",not depression
dev_pid_3507,"I can’t stop making things worse : Since this year started I feel like all I do is keep screwing up, I thought I could make life better compared to last year, but instead I’ve f*cked it up more and want nothing but either the end or to just get away from this town, this city, everything and everyone. I have nothing anymore, and I have no one. I’d rather be dead than feeling at this point.",not depression
dev_pid_3508,"some lame confession : Its irony when my mom keeps bugging me like why wont I spend my time to talk with her instead of me sulking in my bedroom when everytime I talk to her,she always manage to either compare me with one of her friend's child who are far way more successful or reminds me of how much my dad not wanting me.I wish I was never alive.",not depression
dev_pid_3509,sorry but why the fuck is life like this : literally though. have i done anything wrong,not depression
dev_pid_3510,"Vitamine pills??? : I have read that depression can be caused by lack of Vitamine b and d. D is rare in food and is generally a problem in my country because of the Sun.  I hab elontril but I think it did not made it much better...
Should I buy ??? I am pretty desperated...
Sorry for the bad english",not depression
dev_pid_3511,"Nobody bothers anymore. Time for me to do the same. : I'm tired.
I never post anything myself, but I've frequented in comments a lot.
I'm tired of responding in any way only to find myself backhanded for other people. It's like I'm a freak or the plague - - avoided so frequently, sometimes in a row. I've asked myself, ""Did I respond incorrectly? Did I say something wrong in all that? Maybe the way I wrote something ended up being confusing or easy to take the wrong way? Am I just not enough?""
I realized that anytime I've messaged anyone, I was the one initiating it all - - I was the one to message first, I was the one to reach out to another. I never got that treatment myself - - nobody saw something of me and went out of their way to message me, let alone to extend a hand, to reach out; just to check up.
Even when I see something about unloading and talking about everyone's day, I do that, and then see all sorts of people getting responses. I don't. That kinda stuff stings - - first it makes you question, then it feeds your already-ancient loneliness, then it seeps into your depression that you've always had, and then, it just assures the fact that you don't matter - - neither to anyone, nor in the grand scheme of things.
If I don't start things, I might as well be inexistent. Hell, even if I do, chances are, it's a whole lotta nada.
And I'm tired of it.
I'm done trying.",not depression
dev_pid_3512,"I think I need to leave my partner of 10 years : My Girlfriend and I have been together for ten years and I don't know what to do anymore. She suffers from depression, anxiety and severe OCD.
Over the last couple of years here anxiety has worsened and over the last few months it's just too much for me, we don't see anybody anymore, if we do she has a panic attack before it and i've ended up having to cancel plans. It's our nieces third birthday party tomorrow and we were supposed to be going to stay up at my parents for the weekend and she doesn't want go. Fair enough, but I have been seeing my family less and less because of her needing her weekends to herself.
She's not from here so has no family or friends here who aren't mine so she really feels like she has nobody else but I'm exhausted. I can ask her family and friends from back home to talk to her but she doesn't want me to tell anyone. She believes she is just in the way and makes everyone's life shit, I try and tell her it's not true but it's so deep rooted into her mind that she just think she'd be better off dead, she's threatened suicide before so I feel like if I leave her even for this weekend she would kill herself as it's not really a threat but just her mindset of thinking she's better off dead. Idk anymore, I really don't. I don't even know if this is just kme being an asshole i'm just lost and confused and tired. I still love her but she just doesn't care about life anymore.
She stopped taking medication about a year ago as she thought it was making it worse, I respected her wishes and tbh, sometimes it seemed fine but lately it's absolutely not fine and she refuses to go back on any form of medication. IDK please help, should I leave? I'm so worried about her but also worried about myself and just feel sick.",not depression
dev_pid_3513,"Letter from my girlfriend : ​
My girlfriend wrote me this letter and agreed to share it here... 
Letter to my depressed lover.
I see you. I know you’re in there. The man who loved and sought joy, the man who felt
deserving of happiness. He is blindfolded, held hostage, cold and chained in a windowless
basement, by a tyrant who thrives off suffering. At times it feels like there is no hope, at
times it feels like there is no escape. You are weakened, the exhaustion has taken over your
body, your mind and your soul, you question whether you’ll ever be strong enough to fight
this mighty tyrant, to escape from his grip, out of the darkness. Will you ever be able to feel
the sun stroking your skin again? Will you ever see the light again? Will you ever feel love
again?
Why are you here? How did you get here? You never asked for this, no one would.
A tyrant is an illegitimate ruler who controls through oppression. Tyranny is not fair, it is not
understanding, and it is cruel. The tyrant wants to weaken you until you have no choice but
to succumb, he will brainwash you until you come to terms with his reign, until you are no
longer a threat to him. The tyrant wants you to think that he is too strong to ever beat, too
mighty to outthink, too present to escape.
But let me tell you something about Tyrants. Anger, hate, always stems from fear, and pain.
Behind every tyrant is a hurt child. Behind every tyrant is a voice that was once unheard, a
heart that was once broken, eyes that were once blinded. The tyrant doesn’t want you to
see the light, because the light was once taken from him, he doesn’t want you to know love,
because love was once taken from him, and he wants you to hurt, because he hurts.
But how can tyranny be defeated? When tyranny is defeated by force, it often just paves
the way for another form of tyranny. You don’t want to kill your tyrant, you’ll be left with
blood on your hands and trauma in your soul, if you kill you’ll have to hide, and what is the
point of fighting your way out of the darkness, just to make your way into another form of
darkness?
No. Your tyrant won’t be defeated by force. He will be defeated by love, and I know that
your love is strong enough to turn him around.
The man that I love finds joy in the little things, the touch of the grass against his feet, the
sight of birds in the trees, the sound of a stick falling on icy water. The man that I love is
surprising, he is unapologetically original, passionate, and doted of a natural humour. The
man that I love is caring and has an emotional intelligence that can make anyone around
him feel seen, heard, and loved. The man that I love is wise, he can offer advice that you
never knew you needed, and he can be the ray of sunshine in anyone’s day. The man that I
love will lighten up entire rooms and soothe even your deepest worries with care and
attention. The man that I love, can love so strongly, so unconditionally, so powerfully, that
he can make anyone’s darkness fade away. So, if anyone is going to bring this tyrant down,
it will be the man that I love.
Love can make your tyrant feel seen, it can make him feel comfortable enough to talk,
comfortable enough to tell you about what pain led him to tyranny. When faced with love,
with a powerful, unconditional love, and an acceptance that is free of all judgment, your
tyrant will be able to start facing up to his actions, he will be able to start realising that all
along he was causing you to suffer for reasons that had nothing to do with you, they were
never your fault, he was only causing you to suffer, because he was suffering. When that
realisation will spring upon him, he will remove your blindfold and you will see that you are
facing yourself. But don’t worry, it’s just a mask the tyrant originally wore to trouble you, he
won’t wish to do that anymore though, he’ll unchain you and remove his mask, and you will
realise that all along, your tyrant was only a child. Suddenly the anger you felt towards your
tyrant will vanish, because you are a man who is fair, just and loving, you are a man who
doesn’t believe in punishment nor revenge, you are a man who can forgive. You are a man
who can recognise when a child simply needs to be held, loved and nurtured.
So you will take the child’s hand. At first, he will be fearful, he has been hurt before, who’s
to say that you won’t hurt him? But you will give him your word, you will promise him that
he is safe with you, and deep in your heart, you will know that you are telling the truth. The
child will weep in your arms, and you will hold him tighter, you will tell him that he is loved,
he is heard, he is seen, and that from this moment forward, he will never be alone.
You will come out of the basement with the child, hand in hand. And although at first it will
feel like a relief, it won’t be easy. You haven’t seen the sun in so long, its light will feel
blinding and uncomfortable, your body will still feel weak, and as you’ll barely feel able to
look after yourself, you’ll start to wonder how you could possibly look after this child? But
you will surprise yourself. Through the small pleasures you once enjoyed, such as feeling the
cool grass underneath your feet, you will find strength. Enough strength to lift yourself up,
carry the child, and start walking. It will be challenging, and you’ll worry that each step
might be your last step, you’ll worry that you might fall and never find the strength to get
back up, but you’ll keep putting a foot in front of the other, until it starts to feel natural.
Eventually you’ll look up and realise that the sun isn’t as blinding as it was when you first
came out, you’ll see a path, and you’ll know how to get home.
On your way home, you will worry that bringing this child back might be too much of a
burden for me. What if I don’t want him? What if I don’t love him? After all he was once a
tyrant, how could I love him? And what if I don’t even love you anymore? You’ve been gone
for so long, what if I’ve stopped waiting? What if I’ve given up? What if I’ve found someone
else? What if I just end up hurting you and the child more than you’ve both already been
hurt?
But all this time, I’ve been waiting for you. I’ve been worrying, I’ve been crying, you
disappeared so suddenly I never understood what had happened. I made it my mission to
find you, I was up day and night trying to save you, I called on you a thousand times, I
searched for clues in every corner, I even tried to negotiate with your tyrant, but to no avail,
it only angered him more. I tried to get help, but no one could help me, and in the end, I was
left weakened. That’s when I realised that I was exhausting myself, and I wasn’t helping you.
So I did the only thing I could do. I stopped trying to save you and trusted that you would be
able to save yourself, and as I waited for you to do that, I held our space, I nourished our
space so that you could come back to a loving and nurturing home, one where you could
one day feel whole again and heal.
When you come home, I will welcome your little boy with open arms, and love him, just as I
learned to love the little girl who once held me hostage in a basement. The truth is I already
know your little boy, I’ve seen him in your shadows, and I’ve already grown to love him. You
also know my little girl, she has been living in our home throughout our entire relationship.
She has loved you as much as I have, and although at first she was afraid of you, she was
afraid that you would hurt her, she grew to love you, and she learned to trust you. When
you were gone for so long, she began to worry, she worried that perhaps you would never
come back, she worried that perhaps you didn’t want to come back to us, perhaps you
wanted another home, a different home, perhaps you had stopped loving us.
But I reassured her, and I told her about the love that we shared, the hours and days we
spent looking into each other’s eyes, as time stood still and the world around us vanished,
and we questioned, every day, how we could be so lucky. Our love is the truest love I’ve
ever known, our love is the deepest love I’ve ever known, and I know that a love like ours,
never just goes away.
One day my little girl will meet your little boy, and they will love each other as much as we
love each other, the four of us will build a home so whole, that all our fears will be replaced
by trust, our anger will be replaced by love, and tyranny will be nothing but a distant
memory.
This isn’t going to happen overnight, we don’t want you to exhaust yourself trying to come
home, we don’t want you to run and fall, we want you to make wise and calculated steps, so
that you can slowly but surely come back to us.
If I could, I would be in the basement with you, but you don’t want me there, and if I force
myself into the basement, my little girl will turn into a tyrant again and our home will
collapse. So although I’m not in the darkness with you, know that I can still see you, and I
am still here, holding our fort, waiting for you to find the strength to love your tyrant
unconditionally, so that you can bring him home for us to nurture and heal him, so that he
can learn to fearlessly trust both of us.",not depression
dev_pid_3514,"(UK) Can I get sectioned if I ‘m not a danger to myself or anyone else? : Basically I’m 16 and my dad keeps on telling me I’m going to get sectioned if I don’t take the antidepressant that I was given or continue going to therapy (I don’t want to anymore, not helping me). I have THOUGHT about killing myself but I never would because I love my pets. I don’t physically self-harm either.
I don’t see how I’m a danger to myself or anyone else so there’s no reason to get sectioned, right?",not depression
dev_pid_3515,information needed : what is the easiest way to kill myself with least pain possible?,not depression
dev_pid_3516,"Have you ever tried talking to your parents about your feelings, only to be met back with criticism and self pity that make you feel even worse? : ",not depression
dev_pid_3517,"We take our victories when we can. : This is my own personal experiences not a how too or trying in any way to say my life is worse or the way I cope will help anyone else.
It has been a long journey, a fight every day, sometimes we win sometimes we loose.
I spent the following 20 years fighting along side my Wife against this horrible illness that slowly destroyed her body until 20th November 2018 a double cardiac arrest with me standing next to her telling the doctors to stop because I knew she wasn't coming back. (her heart was a 14% functionality due to a silent heart attack 13 days beforehand caused by damage done via medication to keep the cancer away which also caused diabetes and kidney failure).
7 days after she died I was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer and spent that Christmas in hospital having 40% of my bowels removed (I have nodules on my lungs they are keeping an eye on).
Had a plan, even down to writing a script that would send out emails to my Doctor and Psychologist so professionals found my body not my neighbors, my dogs had a forever home setup and I was visiting all the forums and communities saying goodbye to all the games me and Wife had played.
I was in a very dark place and the only light was an oncoming train which was either ""cancer comes back"" or ""A life without my best friend)
My Senior Psychologist and 2 of my specialists have signed off on me all feeling that Gaming, VR and my Vlogging actually have given me a level of existence and a place to be.
I still suffer from depression but this is how I cope, I still need post it notes on my walls to remember changing clothes, washing and shaving.",not depression
dev_pid_3518,"Feeling suicidal after reading a pedophilic romance manga : Hi all,
I'm 22 years old and are working as software engineer.. On the last 3 days, I just got emotionally triggerred just by reading a manga that potrays loneliness and pedophilic romantic relationships..
I know it sounds so exaggereative and/or trashy, but I didnt expect that manga would push my buttons deep inside, so hard that I would just weep uncontrollably and are having suicidal thoughts due to the tragic content of the manga..
Was I emotionally triggered because of it resonates deep within my subconscious? Or is it just because I long such relationship potrayed in it as a pedophile? Or both?
The last 3 days I wasnt able to function properly at work.. 
Any idea to shake it off my head?",not depression
dev_pid_3519,"I just can't fathom why no one loves me : My friends hype me up so much, and God love 'em for it, but there's just this enormous disconnect between how valuable they I say I am, and the level of value I feel and witness from potential dates and love interests. I don't know why it has to be this way. I don't know why I should be so painfully alone, and feel so unlovable.",not depression
dev_pid_3520,"DAE hate washing themselves? : I don't seem to relate to anyone on this planet at all. People like cleaning themselves, but why? I don't feel dirty or anything and my last shower was a month ago. Why is it gross if I never leave my own room or see anyone, and don't feel gross? When I do, I shower. But I just never do. Its boring like everything else in the world and i'd much rather sit here and browse youtube, netflix, reddit and drink myself to death.   
BTW this isn't a complaint or anything, I just wish I was like other people, that actually WANT to wash. My mindset is that I don't want to change, I just don't understand why other people aren't like me. For me the only enjoyable thing to actively do is my laptop, nothing else matters.",not depression
dev_pid_3521,"I apologize : Lately I have been getting unreasonably angry, thanks to some heavily biased content online, and I have been taking it out by posting things here that neither meet this sub's guidelines nor are community friendly. I would like to apologize, and state that I will no longer post to this sub. Thank you for your patience.",not depression
dev_pid_3522,"Venting.... : I don’t know where else to go.... I don’t know where else to vent. I’m scared of judgment. I feel like I’m just lonely and attention seeking. I feel like a waste of space. I don’t understand why my boyfriend could love me when I don’t even love myself. I keep a lot of mental health stuff away from him because I’m scared of how he will react. The first time I self harmed I showed my ex and he got angry at me. I wish I never dated that asshole. I wish I never existed. I better off dead but too scared to die. I wish I could manage to starve but I can’t even do thAt right. 269 pounds. Fat ass. I am a fat ass failure who could never get a job. Can’t even stick to trying to learn French. I wanna die but like I said I’m too scared to. I can’t just depend on my boyfriend to keep me happy that’s selfish. He has his own problems. I try my best to listen when he wants to let some feelings out.
Sometimes I feel like he just feels sorry for me.... sometimes I wonder if my friends really care..... if my family even cares.
I think my friends sometimes just think how annoying I am.
I swear I’m better off dead. I’m a burden.... nothing but a waste. 
Why am I here?
Why? 
I’m horrible at writing. Why do I try? I can’t draw for shit so I basically scribble and call it “art” 
I have tried so hard to become better at drawing.... I just can’t do it.
I try to have good and interesting stories.... they are shitty and predictable.
My OCs are all really bad Mary Sues.
Why did you read this? I just wasted your time.... I would think you have better things to do. 
Go ahead bully me.... I don’t care.... rip into me. Call me all the names you want. Call me pathetic. 
I deserve it.",not depression
dev_pid_3523,"desolation : depression is writing sick poetry on skin and publishing it with scars, cutting on ankles, not wrists because you’re scared you’ll get in trouble but you so desperately need to be seen, and never are.
depression is writing the word “alone” and seeing the word “home”, accepting the pain like a gift because you deserve it.
depression is admitting suicidal thoughts to paper and not to people, and loving the broken things, hoping to tie them together, thinking maybe things will get better, but knowing that’s just wishful thinking.",not depression
dev_pid_3524,"What is this assessment? : Counselor read a few short stories about people wanting/not wanting to do something, then asked if the character was telling the truth or lying. Does anyone know what this is about?",not depression
dev_pid_3525,"My job was a source of my depression : Now that I don't work for them, I can talk about them heavily:
Working for Spectrum was a nightmare because of a kiss-ass director, a dumbass senior director, and a bitch-ass manager. When I first started there, the focus was on being a customer-facing network operations center. What does that mean? If you were a customer who called in, you would be talking to an engineer who could make any neccessary change that was needed to get your service back up and running OR to tell you why it was down if the issue was outside of Spectrum's control. 
The Sr. Director, however, wanted our department to be a call center. What's the difference? A call center is about taking as many calls as possible, not about really resolving the issue; a basic ticket-creating center. If you're paying $1000 per month or more, you shouldn't be subjected to taking a ticket and waiting in line. Spectrum doesn't see it that way. Spectrum only really cares of you're paying six (6) figures or more. Everyone else is expendable. It was utter garbage. It IS utter garbage! 
I left my previous job because I couldn't take the call center crap. My concern was fixing the issue at hand. I didn't care for small talk, for hearing people vent, for call metrics, etc. Fixing the issue was my concern! I, also, didn't care for dealing with customers who were stupid. An example:
""My internet isn't working.""
Troubleshooting for 30 min. ""I'm not seeing an issue.""
""Well, I keep getting a message that says that the website is down due to issues with the server.""
""That's not a Spectrum issue if you can't get to your bank's website.""
""But you're our server!""
""Your bank's server is down.""
""Can't you change the traffic's route to get to their server?""
""That's not how this works.""
""I want a manger!""
Stuff like this was common. The manager I was assigned to said stuff like, ""Did you do everything to resolve the customer's concern?"" ""I'm aware that it wasn't a Spectrum issue but isn't there something else that you could've done to fix the issue?"" ""Did you explain it to them carefully so that they understood?"" 
He ACTUALLY  TOLD ME, ""It's not my job to read your tickets.  If a customer is upset, I have to help the customer."" He said this to me after I told him and proved to him that an issue was the customer's fault as their firewall (for this issue) was blocking their traffic, not Spectrum. 
To mention the kiss-ass director, he is in charge of a department that he has NO knowledge in. He couldn't tell a layer 2 issue from a three-layer cake. No certification or knowledge for the department he is over. He would transfer residential issues to our team because a customer complained. The business department can't touch residential accounts at all. He didn't look at anything or know anything. He never fought for the department. He, actually, tried to get more responsibility added to the department that would cause calls to last even longer and fewer issues to get resolved! He AGREED to removing access to tools needed to help fix issues! All so his bosses could see that he does whatever they tell him to.
I hope that, if you're reading this, you avoid Spectrum. They will lie to you in a heartbeat of it will get you to spend money.",not depression
dev_pid_3526,"Just an advice :) : Watch After Life on Netflix. 
Story of a man (played by Ricky Gervais) who lost his beloved wife and just wants to kill himself. 
It doesn't solve your problems, but makes you think. At least it made me think. It's a short series, very funny but also deep.
Maybe let me know if you watched it or ever gonna watch :)",not depression
dev_pid_3527,I got sectioned for a few days. Home now and I've learned just 1 thing. To keep my suicidal thoughts to myself : ,not depression
dev_pid_3528,"I just want to go home : 28F. My husband wanted to move from West coast to the East coast. Here we are 5 months later. I hate my job and most coworkers. I met a coworker I loved but she ended up leaving and now I have nothing to look forward to at work. I eat in my car I'd rather eat by myself than with gossiping, whining women.
My husband has always been a people person so hes made friends pretty quick. There's days were hes out and I'm sitting home alone.   
So alone. I cry in secret. I keep things to myself idk where I've gotten the idea that I need to be strong and crying is weakness.
I tried talking to my husband last  night and I was having a hard time talking. He ended up leaving and just sleeping in the livingroom which didnt help this situation. 
I miss my mom
I miss my sister
I really fuckin miss my friends. God do I miss thier hugs so damn much
I miss my job it was an amazing job with great pay and my coworkers were my friends 
I miss our little home
I miss my car Lucy
I miss the weather
I just want a hug",not depression
dev_pid_3529,Excessive showering and bad memory from depression : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3530,"Medication works!!! : I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression right now and I have been taking prescription meds for the last couple weeks. It really helps! 
A little background- I got out of a 6 year relationship due to not seeing a future with my ex in December 2019. And then one person who I thought was really close friend of mine, decided he did not want to be friends with me anymore and cut all contacts with me. I get emotionally attached wayyy too easily and this led to me having anxiety, panic attacks and depression - which eventually led to insomnia, IBS, migraines and constant body aches. 
I started therapy in feb 2020 and have been since going to my therapist every week. And my therapist suggested I look at options for medication and try it. So since the last 2 weeks, I’m on Lexapro (SSRI) and my psychiatrist did tell me that it is going to take a few weeks to see changes. But for the last 3/4 days I have been observing that my energy levels have increased because I have been able to sleep well and it is so much better. My IBS has decreased and I haven’t got any migraines. I’m really really glad the medication is helping. If anyone is out there looking of options, and one the fence of trying medication, go for it. I’m sure if it working and it will help.",not depression
dev_pid_3531,"Money doesn’t buy happiness : When you can have anything you want, but you can’t feel happiness, then it’s like you have nothing at all.",not depression
dev_pid_3532,"I have no one to play with : I'm so lonely that I can tear up just by playing and realising I'm alone. I'm playing a lot of Apex Legends lately on ps4 and wanted to be stronger for the ranked. But sometimes you can't just do everything alone. I have no one to play with and I'm always left behind by everyone so video games are my only hobby since I can't go to school anymore because I'm too anxious and my body hurt me when I went to school. I hate myself and just want to die, it's not a life to stay in my bedroom playing all days and nearly broke my hand because I lost hours of playing due to when you launch a game, you lost points until you kill at least five peoples or stay alive long enough but sometimes I'm just really bad and my random team mates doesn't help. I just wanted to vent this so sorryif it sound childish or dumb and thanks to maybe someone that read this.",not depression
dev_pid_3533,"Miserable College Student : I hate college. I hate myself. I hate everyone else who attends my college.
I wish I could just lay in my bed in my dorm room all day, so I would not have to see anybody or do anything. I have no passions or interests, only tasks that I must complete so that I can return to laying in my bed. 
I used to be a high achieving student in high school in academics and athletics. Now I am a washed up bum who can not perform the simplest of tasks correctly; I am so pathetic. I had such high hopes of using the ivy-league college I worked hard to get into as a spring board for a successful career, but I have already failed miserably. I do not have the skills one needs to make it in the real world.
I feel so lethargic and weak. I struggle my way through sports practice everyday. I do not know how much longer I can keep going. I wish I could just disappear and never be seen by anyone again.
 I am a complete fucking failure.",not depression
dev_pid_3534,Just heard a young friend died from natural causes. Anyone else get ... jealous or envy ... that they’re at peace? Wishing you were at peace instead? It’s a morbid twisted feeling. : I’m not suicidal. For the record.,not depression
dev_pid_3535,"how to deal with depression :  how to deal with depression 
1 give me an upvote maybe 
2 [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Yu2ynndFtdS8ki6YjLmDu?si=fqkBX4P8TTG1fcapz-FFyw](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Yu2ynndFtdS8ki6YjLmDu?si=fqkBX4P8TTG1fcapz-FFyw)",not depression
dev_pid_3536,"Hi : Ive been really depressed lately... My math subject at school failed, i keep thinking i wont graduate, i have no energy to go to school anymore so i fake everything and go to a nearby computer cafe even though i only have enough money to commute to my school. I know lifes hard but theres something in my brain that broke... Im not crazy though just uncaring. But i noticed i suddenly grew an interest on one of our kitchen knives, not like to hurt people, its just an odd interest where you imagine the knife killing you painlessly.
But the thing is, i have a phobia of sharp things so i grew up cautious with sharp objects including knives... Its not really bad, i just do stabbing motions on myself, but the point is i consider doing that normal.
I also keep daydreaming while walking and oddly enough i daydream about me getting in a car crash or something similar, which i has a  high chance of happening considering im daydreaming. Another point is my fake laughter, i dont know why i keep doing it. I know im probably mentally ill but i have no why of knowing since psychiatrists and therapists costs very much in my country. Anyway im just rambling about my problems but i have a feeling itll all end soon. Just a feeling...",not depression
dev_pid_3537,"Ranting and also maybe advice(?) : I met this girl month ago and i feel in love very quick. She is from Portugal and i am from Slovenia.. And we thought about having a long distance but she feels like its not gonna work. We talked about it 2 days ago and i told her i cant be there just friends because im only making myself suffer, she seems to have no problem with it, but i just cant get over myself and watching somebody drift away while i wait. It hurts so much and the things she said about me how amazing i am and how bad she wants me to stay there, but i just cant im falling into depression again. I told her im gonna stay but i dont know if im capable im just hurting myself. 3 years of this and just when you think you get out of it it crawls back so fast ahhhhh. And i feel like the most egoistical, needy piece of shit that i cant get over the fact its over. Fuck this shit and fuck life.
Thanks for listening ❤️",not depression
dev_pid_3538,"coming off antidepressants? : i’ve been on sertraline/Zoloft for a couple months. i felt like it was really doing something for me, but i’ve been without it for a couple weeks now, because my parents kinda suck and i can’t pick up my own prescription, and i feel horrible. like, the absolute lowest i have ever felt and i don’t know if that’s normal when you stop taking your meds. i don’t really know what to do, i felt like i started to be able to actually function like a regular person, and now i’m back in my hole.",not depression
dev_pid_3539,You don't want to live but you don't want to die either.. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3540,"We have nothing to lose : Let's have some fucking fun, do stupid shit, life is boring af, so let's just make fun of it.",not depression
dev_pid_3541,"How can you be depressed and not also love music ? : I find it difficult right now to believe a person can be depressed and not also simultaneously love heart wrenching music, if any.",not depression
dev_pid_3542,"my mom just gave up on me : Since I was young, my mom was the only person who took care of me because my dad left when I was a baby. However, during the summer before freshman year, my parents agreed to move in together and share an apartment so that I could have both of my parents. My dad made a clear that he changed for the better and he wasn't gonna be a deadbeat anymore. This arrangement only lasted for about a year and a half, however, because my dad recently moved out two weeks ago.
My dad leaving again hurt a lot because I felt like I didn't build enough of a relationship with him. I never really got to the point where I could tell him personal stuff, especially how I feel about him and his decision to leave again. It's just been adding on stress and anxiety.
Yesterday, the straw that broke the camels back erupted at school, and I ended up in a violent altercation with another student. I pushed him into the wall, and his head started to bleed. A lot. I immediately went to apologize, and he said there was no hard feelings.
I was suspended for five days, and my mom was furious after she found out. Over the last two days, she's been repeatedly telling me that she's given up on me and my dreams. She says the only place I'll ever end up is prison, and I'll never be shit. So now she's giving me to my dad because she just can't handle me anymore and all I do is make her suffer.",not depression
dev_pid_3543,"I’m not even worthy of being counted during attendance. : I go to a small school, normally no more than 20 students are in a classroom, yet my teachers don’t even realize I’m in their class most of the time. I have amazing teachers, and they always want to help students learn, but I’m always forgotten about. I’m not slow enough to need special help, I’m not smart enough to need no help though. I’m pretty quiet, and I almost always get interrupted by loud people. If I actually work up the nerve to ask a question in my asshole-filled classes, the teacher gets distracted by two idiots trying to kill each other and forgets about me. 
I know I probably sound like a spoiled child that just wants attention, but I don’t. All I want is to not be forgotten, to not be interrupted, to not be counted absent in a class when I’m always there.",not depression
dev_pid_3544,"Add a ""no karma begging"" rule : iM dEpReSSeD. cAn I gET kArMa now??!!
So fucking annoying, talk about your mental illness or fuck off.",not depression
dev_pid_3545,How do you deal with brain fog? : I have trouble focusing and I’m supposed to be studying at least 6 hrs a day. Brain fog is also known as cognitive dysfunction btw. I am super slow when it comes to more difficult subjects. I take so many breaks bc I dislike the feeling of frustration and I just want to forget all my responsibilities.,not depression
dev_pid_3546,I hate everyone : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3547,I cant live my own failure : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3548,I cant live with my own failure : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3549,"I am once again asking for your time and asking if there’s anyone I can talk to. : This is the 4th time I am asking if there’s anyone I could talk to, so please forgive me if I am being annoying. But I don’t know what else to do, I am desperate. Could you give me 5 minutes of your time?
Thanks",not depression
dev_pid_3550,"I don't even know what I'm sad about : It's been anout 5 days since this sadness hit me, and all I've wanted to do is sleep. I don't even know what's causing it. I woke up fine (5 days ago) then at some point during the day it hit me. I can't even begin to think of any reason for it, it makes me feel selfish...my life is actually going pretty well right now :/",not depression
dev_pid_3551,My wrist is calling me again : I can't deal with this today fuck,not depression
dev_pid_3552,"Anyone, please someone just comment anything, I rly could use a talk right now.. : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3553,"How do people keep up this duality? : How do you treat someone so badly and yet maintain such a great image of yourself? How do you live with it? Especially if you're hurtful to a person, but then later act as if nothing happened?",not depression
dev_pid_3554,"Trapped with my own monsters, until it's over : I feel so worthless for so many years now.
but the past week I feel nothing else than  desperate, pain, sadness and emptiness. 
I've realized there is no one that would be there for me, never. 
I have vacations now for a month. After the first day I felt like nothing. I'm just something. Maybe a part of the nature. I mean I do nothing the entire day nothing at all because nothing helps. Everything is just boring and I don't feel anything. I have no one to rely on, every time when I start to make a friendship the people just leave me after spending too much time with me, I mean when they start to know me a little bit everyone left me. Or they use me. I'm getting sick of everything. 
People say things will get better, I'm happy that this is true for some people but it's not for everyone. I just feel like a shadow that no one ever notices. 
I changing my current state or emotions rapidly. Like the last time I played VRChat (a pc game for the VR, where you can wander around worlds meet other people and so on) I had fun but after one second it despaired and I was mad like hell for no reason. 
I feel like their are more minds inside my own mind. other kind of personalitys. 
I just want to end it all but I'm too weak to do it by myself, I see no exit out of this emptiness it got closed. I just hope everyday to die and to forget everything. Or to stop everything for a few years to take a break and get my shit together, but it's just too late. 
I don't even have a family that I could spend my time with, Not even a friend anymore, Not even anyone. Everything is just overwhelming and too much even there is nothing. I can't even cry.
This is just something to write down my stuff and idk. damn bro I never thought it would ever came to this point",not depression
dev_pid_3555,Torn love : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3556,help with opening up : how are you soppose to open up if you feel like its a trap if you say what on your mind,not depression
dev_pid_3557,"Alone : I feel awful about myself, alone, like I don’t matter... I’ve been home alone for a couple days and tomorrow will be no different... along all day with nobody to talk to, until I see my boyfriend at 8:00 pm... but by then I’m tired, and the puppy will be asleep... Sunday he leaves so I’ll be alone most the day... Monday my car gets fixed, but I still have to stay home till my parents come home from Disney. Being alone really shows me how much I hate myself and how alone I can feel. I’m tired and depressed and feel terrible...",not depression
dev_pid_3558,"i dated a girl and she stole shit from me and it makes me cynical : we worked together for like 8 months so we knew each other prior. went on like 5 dates, saw each other a few times outside of that. i left $20 in her apartment because i didn't want to wake her up and ask if it was hers, and gave her my hoodie at her work because she was cold
now i'm not getting any of that back. it really sucks. i shouldn't trust people that way. i hate the world honestlh",not depression
dev_pid_3559,Why did I have to be ugly? : I put on make-up because I think i would look better. After I put it on I still feel ugly. I try to do something different with my hair. I try different colors and styles and I still hate it. My eyebrows are terrible. Seriously I feel like (and I probably am) the ugliest person in the world. Seriously why do I have to be so ugly?,not depression
dev_pid_3560,"In need of a bit of direction : I'm going through... well alot. Over the past few months. I dont even know where to begin. I've spoken with the suicide hotline previously (great resource, do not EVER hesitate to phone them if you even think for a second it would help), but this feels different. I havent seen my kids in months, I'm introverted as fuck so I've never made any real friends, but I just need to finally chat with someone. What can I do?",not depression
dev_pid_3561,"Quote ""Not everyone is meant for higher learning"" : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3562,"One of my friends died. And I don't know what to do. : I got the news that one of my mates I went to school with when I was studying abroad recently passed and I can't quite process it. I can't say I was close to him but it's just I've never had a friend die. I am close with someone who was close to him and she seems devastated. It feels weird, feels weird to say he has passed. I'm confused and shocked. Idk",not depression
dev_pid_3563,"Long time lurker and this seems like the best place to vent because I daren't open up to anybody I know : Sorry for the long post btw.
- I work a fucking shit job that I hate for minimum wage with no option for over time 
- over the last 8 months I've applied for jobs and only had one interview for  which I ended up being rejected 
- I tried to get a car to help me get a better job which I barely used for 2 months before it completely died and ended being just over £1000 out of pocket leaving me struggling for money and not being any closer to getting a car or having any savings 
- I constantly feel anxious to the point where I feel sick 
- all my friends seem to flourishing in life and leaving me behind
- I've become bulimic again just to help deal with the stress and anxiety 
- and I havent slept properly since I came home from travelling in May. 
I've tried for far too long to be positive but now I'm just so fucking fed up of life and everything shitting on me, I am just so apathetic towards everything and want it all to stop and just give me a fucking break. I got a new game I pre ordered and was excited for today and I can't even bring myself to enoy it that now. Honestly I just want to be alone all the time because then nothing can hurt or bother me.",not depression
dev_pid_3564,"My relationship with Instagram. : My relationship with Instagram is complicated. While I do see it as a good way to promote certain things like my amateur photography for example, I also feel like it’s repetitive to an extent. I feel like whenever I go on there, it’s mostly the same old kinds of posts. Gym selfies, selfies in general, people who brag about their rich lifestyles, the list goes on and on. Witnessing those kinds of posts over and over just ain’t good for my social anxiety and depression. Does anyone else feel the same way?",not depression
dev_pid_3565,"Symbols : Do any of you know a symbol that I can wear that means a broken soul.  The broken heart is to basic, but I want a symbol that really represents me.  I feel hopeless,broken, lonely, but I still fight.",not depression
dev_pid_3566,I think I'm not okay : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3567,"To all of those feeling isolated and suffering right now... : I’ve learned that life is fucking sad sometimes. You start to think that maybe things aren’t going to get better at all. I’ve been at points which I think, it can’t get worse than this, but then I discover a new section of rock bottom, thinking, ah this is it!
 I assure you, There’s always something worse than what you’re going through. It can get worse. Per that same logic, there’s always the chance it gets better. I think I hold onto that and you should too.
 You might have realised at some point, people in your life leave. They come and go, and the only constant in your life is you. You have your back, and that’s what matters at the end of the day. Keeping this in mind, Take care of yourself and be proactive towards seeking friendships and human connections whenever possible. We humans are social creatures, so having this emotional connection can literally save you. It saved me, at least. 
I’m sorry about whatever situation you are facing it right now, but do know that you have a power to improve it. At this point, things can either improve or worsen, and the amazing this is that you have the choice.",not depression
dev_pid_3568,"choosing not to see you this time : 
It hurts..but I remembered the feelings I had last time I went and saw you. It hurt..I cried myself to sleep. I went to bed hurting and I woke up hurting. Once again I’m left looking dumb to go out of my way to see you. I crossed many busy roads and climbed many tall mountains to just try and please you and I still believe you truly don’t care. It’s hard letting go of the one person that once made you the happiest you had ever been in life. Looking back at when I had you I looked so different. I literally had a glow within me. You gave me that glow that made me shine so bright..you also took it away without any hesitation. I’ve never been the same since then. I’m not sure why I’ve kept you around for 2 more years after we broke up. I know deep down you will never be able to make me shine like you used to..I will never have that glow again. I will never be able to feel that love again..and it simple as to why not..because you don’t love me..you don’t care about me..It’s funny how life works. How the people you would do anything for in this world will do nothing for you. How the ones that once made you so happy now bring darkness into your life. When will one day someone fight for me..fight to keep me seeing me glow...fight to keep me happy..Hopefully soon..but for now as I wait I’ve decided to not cross any busy roads for you or climb any mountains..for now I will stay here even though it hurts I’m safer here by myself than with you.",not depression
dev_pid_3569,"F[20] can’t find a job? : I just turned 20 and am beginning college this year since I haven’t had money for it and I don’t count with my moms support in any way. Last year a lot of things happened that made me spiral into a terrible depression and lost my job because of it. Since then things have just progressively gotten worse and I can’t find a new job. Where I live there isn’t much places to work at since it’s a small town yet I can’t seem to find in one place. It makes me super sad to see that everyone is doing fine while I’m doing nothing with my life and it makes me feel like a failure. I know I could be doing so much better and greater things but I just don’t know where to start. I wish I had my moms support like other kids do but it’s not the case and I have to do things on my own, but I feel like everything is a giant and I’m a speck of dust, what can I do to better my situation or feel better and more positive about it?",not depression
dev_pid_3570,"Kids and depression/ Mental Illness : I am desperate for advice on how to explain to my 11 year old son what depression is. I actually have bipolar disorder but don't even know where I'd start with that one. My son gets very angry with me. He thinks I choose to be/feel this way and says ""just stop being sad be happy how easy is that?!"" I know I cannot be upset with him for not understanding, but I'm also extremely frustrated about it. He says it's embarrassing to have a mom with depression. That just hurts me even more. 
He went from having a happy, energetic, spunky, fun, thrill seeking, supportive mom to one who lays in bed all the time, is constantly fatigued, has migraines constantly, no patience, never wants to do anything, cries a lot, etc. I feel like he's grieving me. I grieve myself, so I can understand. But he cannot. He thinks I'm just being selfish, lazy, mean, etc. 
I looked on Google for some ideas but didn't find anything that I felt like going with. I've tried many times to explain it from my perspective, but he just cannot comprehend what I'm saying. I'm lost, and it's making me feel even worse. Please, if anyone has anything helpful I'd greatly appreciate it!!!",not depression
dev_pid_3571,"I'm tired of caring about other people, but no one caring about me. : Seems like when anyone else in my life is feeling down, I drop everything to help. But when I'm feeling down, I get ignored. Maybe I'm overreacting, but sometimes I just want to feel loved even when I'm depressed.",not depression
dev_pid_3572,"All I want to do is sleep, take baths, and watch Netflix by myself! Can anyone relate? : Well, my title says it all. If I had a choice, I would sleep and hang out all day by myself. I have a cousin in town who wanted to meet me at a local art expo and I made up an excuse as to why I cannot meet him for lunch. I can tell he was disappointed and I feel lousy about it. 
My mom passed away 6 months ago (cancer), my dad lives in a memory care facility (dementia), I got divorced in September and I am estranged from my crazy brother (for good reason). 
Anyway, I’m just...not in the mood to make small talk and walk around an art show. 
I feel like a terrible person for not being able to meet these social obligations. Am I terrible? Anyone wise feel similarly? Help, please.",not depression
dev_pid_3573,something i've wrote a few minutes ago : and slowly you die... the people you love... your little sister... your sick dad... your blessed grandma... your beloved mum... your hated friends... will you make them proud?... is this the life you wanted?,not depression
dev_pid_3574,Any good songs which you guys want to recommend? : Any song which you like which makes you feel good. Have a good day!,not depression
dev_pid_3575,Please someone talk to me : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3576,"Five years later and I still miss her. : She told me she would have married me. I thought I needed to gender transition. It all fell to pieces. 
I don't need to get back together with her. I just wish I knew how she was doing. I wish I could see her and tell her that with some time, I understand what she was going through. 
But she's the sensitive type and I think contacting her would upset her. So I can't. 
Pathetic, I know.",not depression
dev_pid_3577,Is it bad that I hate being around my family : I hate being around my family I get uneasy and start to get irritated. Both my dad and mom were alcoholics and physically and emotionally abusive in the past. Now I don’t even talk to them and when I do it’s in a robotic tone. I don’t hate my parents and I do sometimes feel bad for not being close to them but I can’t ignore how I feel. I don’t enjoy their company but I want the best for them. And before you judge me and call me a deadbeat dad I wanna let you know that I’ve been beat with wires and fist my feet hands and mouth were once taped while I was beat. They are also very controlling my mom is always on my back always hovering over me and I’m kinda annoyed by her she treats me like a little boy and like I can’t do nothing for myself .,not depression
dev_pid_3578,"I wish I had a friend like hide(Tokyo ghoul), when he said let's go home I nearly cried : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3579,Any tips for overcoming apathy? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3580,How do you cope with anxiety : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3581,"What a real friend is : So right after I posted an hour ago something big happened. I was walking around thinking about my dog and I'll do so much fun stuff with him. As I was walking I was so deep in my thoughts I didn't realize where I was going and bumped into someone. For the life of me, I bumped into the biggest jackass in my school. For privacy reasons, we'll call him Earl. Earl loved to be a complete asshole to me. He tells me to watch where I'm going and called me a dumbass. The thing about Earl is he's easily pissed off if I act smart with him so I did exactly that because my day has been absolute hell. I'm not the greatest at comebacks so I said what anyone who wouldn't know what to say. No u. He got so pissed that he shoved me on the ground with the force of a bull. I hit my head pretty hard on the ground but I was able to get back up without hesitation. I've hit my head so many times it doesn't affect me that much. One of my friends, for privacy reasons we'll call him Ernie. Ernie noticed some red liquid in my hair. I was bleeding from my head. By this point, there was a huge ass circle between Earl, Ernie, and I. Earl swung at me and hit me dead center in my stomach. I fell to the ground gasping for air. Earl knocked the air out of me. Now I know what you're thinking, wouldn't the school have stopped this by now? No. I go to a ghetto school where none of the adults care about what the kids do and that includes fights. I was gasping for air trying to breathe. While I was on the ground gasping for air I called Earl a son of a bitch. Earl was about to charge me while I was on the ground but Ernie knew he had to jump in or something terrible was going to happen. Ernie jumps in and tackles Earl to the ground. Ernie was on top so he began to punch Earl in the face repeatedly. Kids were yelling and everything. It got to a point where Earl's face was all bloody. Finally, a teacher came out because someone told them what was going on. They separated Ernie and Earl with security guards holding the both of them. The three of us were brought to the office. I had to leave school and go to the hospital so I could get stitches. I don't know what Ernie and Earl are currently at right now. I'm just glad that Ernie jumped in to help me. If he didn't my injures would be a lot worse.",not depression
dev_pid_3582,"Any one gets a form of brain blankness when journaling about your problems : Its like : 
I'm writing about stuff I'm struggling with and suddenly my mind just go full blank mode for a moment,  like I forgot that I have those problems in the first place. Very scary and strange.",not depression
dev_pid_3583,"Life Crisis : Ok so um, hello I'm 19m.. I am super depressed hence why I am posting in this thread in the first place. So here's my situation.. I want to become an entrepreneur artist, but my circumstances are making it pretty hard for me to keep a good mindset, causing me to think of suicide when it comes to the worst sometimes, ofc I would never do it, I'm not crazy. Anyways, I can't do what I want to do because of the decisions of others on my life, aka, my mom (and kind of my dad). They want me to go to community college... I understand that but I already know what I want to do with my life, it's like they're not confident in my ability to become who I want to become. I am currently not working, it's hard to find a job around my area for some reason idk if it's cuz I'm  stupid or my resume is trash or I look like a garbage worker idfk.. anyways I can't get a job it seems but I feel like I can still work, as a doordasher. But here is another problem, I need a license... I have a permit so my dad teaches me to drive sometimes but now he can't teach me as much because he has gotten ill and now he has to go to a hospital a couple hours away from where I live. I can get driving lessons but they cost $50 per lesson, and I don't have the money to do that and my mom is close with her money so she can't pay that very often so it seems I won't be getting a driver's license for a while. I'm literally on my last foot here, idk what to do, I'm stuck, depressed, I stay inside all day, trying to build my tiny ass fanbase on instagram, I've moved away from all my friends everything I've known and I'm dealing with some crazy shit in my head everyday. I just want to follow my dreams, why do I have to be subjected to something that I don't want to do. Anyways yeah, I'm just frustrated, leave suggestions, tips, anything idk, I'm still trying to get out of the gutter, I haven't given up. Thanks in advance.",not depression
dev_pid_3584,What am I happy about??? : You ever get happy for a min and then think like “wow I’m so happy rn” and then you’re sitting there asking yourself “why am I happy? I’m sad” I do that wayyyyy too often. I like can’t let myself be happy for just one minute???,not depression
dev_pid_3585,Serious Question: How many of you here are hoping you catch the Coronavirus so it has the chance to end your suffering? : Many are panicking and worried about the potentially fatality but are any of you actually relieved and hopeful for this virus to be your way out?,not depression
dev_pid_3586,I need a hug : This week has been hell for me. I'm suffering and not even my boyfriend is able to fully bring me out of it. I just really need a hug or a distraction or something because I'm so close to the brink and I don't know what to do.,not depression
dev_pid_3587,Finna kys soon : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3588,"I just got sent home from work for looking too tired. Should I seek counselling? : The title is what just happened
Here's the reason why
I have a problem at random times during the day I'll have bad thoughts and it makes me either yell out loud or smash my head against the wall. Recently it's become more frequent because of stress on my financial situation and personal relationship and it's causing these head attacks to become more frequent and worse. I started to drink alot of alcohol to try to minimize these attacks which it kinda does.
The last week has not been very good because I got in trouble at work and I've been super stressed to go back which causes more head attacks and more drinking. Today I was supposed to work but I took 4 shots of whiskey before I went and my boss saw me and told me to call it a sick day because I looked too tired to work.
There's some other details I left out because I don't want to type anymore but I'm just looking for advice on what to do.
Thank you",not depression
dev_pid_3589,"I just failed my driving test, after so much studying for weeks. I'm the only person in my grade who can't drive. We're all about to graduate and I'm 18 and I'm the only loser. : Everyone makes fun of me and calls me an idiot, a retard, a fuckup. They're right, I can't do anything right. I fail at everything, I'm just a dumb useless child. I have 0 IQ points. I hate you all for knowing how to drive and having jobs and life skills. I try so hard but I never get anywhere. I want to beat the shit out of you all, especially those who made fun of me. Then I want to beat the shit outta of my retard self. I don't even have an excuse to be dumb, I'm not retarded or autistic, I'm just stupid. Kill me. I'm tired of being pathetic.",not depression
dev_pid_3590,Is it my brain or people can bully you while saying that they’re your friends? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3591,"friends constantly bully and harass me but im too scared to try to get new friends : So my ""friends"" wont stop bullying me and it doesn't help that i have depression. also im to scared to try to make new friends in case i get turned down (and than probably laughed at) i wish this cycle would just end for 1 day",not depression
dev_pid_3592,"I thought I was getting better... oh well : I haven't left my house this week. I didn't go to class, I didn't get out to eat, I didn't go out to therapy. I'm just sitting in front of my pc wondering why am I still alive. I'm forcing myself to go to a concert I bought tickets for so I wouldn't feel like I wasted my money on it but it's hard to make myself move. Maybe I need meds again, who knows, but I'm not better anymore",not depression
dev_pid_3593,Anyone else feel like no one could relate to their struggles? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3594,Wanted to share a channel that helped me in a time of need. I'm fascinated by how delivery is done : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3595,I thought it was getting better : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3596,It’s finally getting warm enough to chill outside : Spring is almost here and it’s finally nice enough to sit outside in the backyard and just relax. Listen to the birds or just the wind in the trees. Usually with a book. This is a little thing that helps with my depression,not depression
dev_pid_3597,"Fuck man I'm just tired : Tired of not really being into anything anymore. Feel like whenever I start doing something fun or productive, I have like 2-3 hours where it works then my mind shuts down and I get so tired. I'd be at the gym for a few days, then there isn't any motivation. I'd start coding a little bit then boom my inspiration is dead. My 9-5 isn't hard it just kills any energy that I have so when my shift is over that's it for the day for me. Only thing I have going for me is this new job offer that I hear back from in 2 weeks, everything else is just a big ol meh to me.",not depression
dev_pid_3598,"Need Advice - Depressed Partner : Hi. Im hoping some of you may be able to help me. Some background to this situation. Im in my early 20s as is my partner. We have been together for coming up 3 years and have been living together at her parents for the past year. My partner has always struggled with her mental health as have I in the past but recently things have been worse. She becomes angry quickly and can find no joy in anything. On jer days off when I work she stays in our room and crys all day. I try to support in what ways I can but she feels like I can't help especially when I am at work. I have recommended seeking professional help as I did but she is scared that if her parents found out they would be angry, they aren't great when it comes to this kind of thing. I am so worried about her but she seems to only push me away when I try and help. I don't know what else to do.",not depression
dev_pid_3599,Hopefully : Hopefully getting a new therapist. This is my third office because I got kicked out of two of them for missing appointments. Since I can't drive and no family can take me because they are soooo busy. If I get kicked out of this one I'm just gonna call it quits. I deal with my crap on my own like I have been doing all my life .,not depression
dev_pid_3600,"Just been feeling really bad lately. : I know I probably shouldn’t be whining online about this, but here it goes. 
Recently, I have been feeling really awful about myself-basically, I feel like my art is never going to improve, that I am a shitty person, that I do nothing but waste space, and so on. These thoughts have been plauging me for six months now, I don’t know how to tell anyone how I feel-not that anyone would care, anyways.",not depression
dev_pid_3601,Does Anyone Else Feel Physical Shockwaves of Pain? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3602,"A coinflip : It is cool that when youre born god flips a coin and decides how your life is going to be like. My ended up on the worse side and I wish I had the strenght to get through this all. I lost my best friend again, its a girl and I am a male, so you can imagine what happened. The worst part is she did not get that I had a crush on her from me. After she found out she said that it was cringe for her to talk to me, and I thought I should make it easier for her and me and put a distance on us. That is how I lost her.
Let me take you 4 years ago when I tried to kill myself with a firecracker in middle of a class. I was feeling so down so I said fuck it why not. When my parents found out, instead of talking to me, he beat the idea of suiciding out of me, or so he thought that he did. Ive been thinking about doing it again, but as the time goes by I get stronger.
My best friend that I was talking about earlier was my emotinal support for everything. Now knowing that I need her, I tried becoming friends with her. She kinda wanted too, but today she was like a dick to me, and one other friend that talked about everything to me, gossiped to one of my male friends about everything and now he likes to joke about ""like you as a friend"" stuff. All my friends all are about roasting and I am not on the pretty side so you can imagine how much acting I do when I am around them. I call it ""'happy face"". I go to school feeling like shit and when I get to it I become the happiest man alive. I wish I was prettier, the only way to have real friends.
Thanks for reading, and if you can suggest me should I let her go, or stay friends with her.",not depression
dev_pid_3603,"Feel like I’m failing those around me and my boyfriend by how much I don’t lean on them. : Hey,
So I’m a 21 year old guy. Currently on study aboard for a year in France. I’m on here because  I really don’t know what to do. I realized after being alone in another place some things about myself. That I have never had a person to depend on, even feeling that I have to take care of my own mother and all my friends. I recently got a bf before I left for France back home. I feel as if by how independent I’ve learned how to be I’m not allowing myself to be with him fully and to fully allow myself to be happy. This goes also with I don’t allow myself to do things that make me happy as usually those things are not productive and then don’t mean anything to me. This caused me to not really know what to do as a hobby to make myself be happy. I’m not to sure what to ask but any advise.",not depression
dev_pid_3604,im tired : i feel really shitty for being clingy because im such a boring loner and i feel inadequate.  i never know how to expressmyself and i feel like a huge fuck up and i just need someone to talk to rn,not depression
dev_pid_3605,"Trapped in a worlld constructed my my mind. :  English is not my first language. So some of the things that characterizes me I believe are: depression, sensitivity, sluggish cognitive tempo (sct), social anxiety and asd(have diagnosis).   I've convinced myself that my version of reality is warped and greatly limited compared to the average person. Dunno, maybe I'm just being delusional. I've completely abandoned my ego because possessing one takes me to a place I like to call the abyss. This basically gives me ignorant suffering. Okay, I'll try to explain this the best I can. Several regions of my brain appear to be inactive and it's always been like this since I've been born. Due to this and the things I've listed before, without sufficient self-awareness life can become quite miserable without me realizing it. I reject my experience of reality and started considering the possibility of everyone else being soulless except me. The perfect coping mechanism! I can't validate my version of the world or other people's existences. Even as I read your comments, it will literally turn into a feedback loop to be interpreted by my brain. So I pay close attention to my thoughts, feelings, inclinations, ambitions, point of view, emotions and basically reject them. I have this constant need for stimulation(think I may have inattentive adhd), otherwise I get bored, completely empty and start feeling really . Though denying the very core essence of my being requires so much brainpower due to things listed above, and due to poor memory, I start doubting my belief. All I want to do is turn into a recluse and live a life of self-indulgence completely cutting myself off of society for good.   
A problem that I often have is falling victim to the flow of others (like a toddler).  Have I lost a part of my psyche? I don't know what to believe, when to feel guility, when to feel happy, when to feel sad, what to consider an accomplishment. The world I know has been created thorugh the perspective of my mind. Something I deeply hate , and thus I am a forsaken existence. I can't communicate with the outside world due to the feedback loop thingy (Don't know how to interpret reality). Although, I don't feel completly alone because I believe in God.",not depression
dev_pid_3606,"Alone : Just realized I’m too boring for any girl. Being the smartest in a room does not help. Being aloof, cool or even logical worsens the situation. I now realize I’m made to be alone.",not depression
dev_pid_3607,FREE E-book on how to get over your EX : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3608,"Just life : Today has been one of those days when people ask how I am and I answered fine everytime. 
But in reality I had one of the worst panic/anxiety-attacks last night I've ever had. I couldn't sleep afterwards even though all my energy went to keep me alive during the attack. Today I've felt ruined and hollow.
So yeah, I'm fine.",not depression
dev_pid_3609,"What if I don't want to be with someone? : Lately I've been thinking a lot, and my family and friends ask me why I'm not dating
I've never done it coz I've had issues all my life
I'm not even thirty or close.
I feel like having someone beside u takes a lot of personal effort. U have to be the best of yourself all the time, you have to achieve things and become worth it, and ... The whole deal makes me feel exhausted.
I feel exhausted all the time and have little to no motivation. 
And it doesn't help that people surrounding me make me feel bad because I'm single.",not depression
dev_pid_3610,"What should I do about my parents? : Tbh, although I didn't have the greatest relationship with my parents, I did think that they actually cared about me. Well, not until the day they got to know that I'm suicidal.
They started yelling at me, and saying that I'm blackmailing them cus that would only bring them problems with the police... And then they told me that after I turn 18 I'll be able to do whatever I'll want which probably means... Eh, is this even understandable? We had to go to some specialist but they called it off for the same reason, saying I'd probably tell the doctor something bad about them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Also, this all obviously got me lose my control, panic and cry as hell, but all support I got was ""shut up already""...",not depression
dev_pid_3611,"What do you do when you just want to be held? : What do you do when you don't have family, you don't have friends, you are divorced, and you just need someone to hold you for a little while to make a bad day better?",not depression
dev_pid_3612,I can't imagine myself married because they would see me crying everynight and they would witness all of my depressive episodes and I fear they would leave me because they would get bored. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3613,"Anyone have any success stories? : Success as in someone who was once incredibly depressed, overcame it and now lives a fulfilling life.",not depression
dev_pid_3614,"I don’t know what to do : I’ve come to a point in my life where I don’t know if I should keep trying. I just keep failing at everything and I’m tired. Since a year ago I’ve had these weird illnes which doctors cannot explain, and it’s like a muscle weakness all over my body ALL the time. And it’s making me crazy it just keeps interfering with everything single task it makes me incredible fatigued and I can’t even hold a single cup without feeling like my arm is tired. On top of that I have depression and I’ve tried every medication out there. You name it, I’ve tried it, every ssri every snri. I’m now on a medication for adhd and venlafaxine but the venlafaxine is making my muscle weaknes worse and does not help my depression at all. I think it makes it even worse. I’m writing this because I feel like no one understands me.",not depression
dev_pid_3615,"in case talking with strangers is like therapy for you? : there is a new website to do just that, talk with strangers, literally, i mean vocally
[www.voicechatroom.xyz](https://www.voicechatroom.xyz)",not depression
dev_pid_3616,"I feel like I am always fighting myself : I feel like I am always fighting myself not to fall into the deep dark hole. Most days I succeed but today... I just realized that I am not okay even though I act like it and I want it to be true. Today I feel dead, totally mute. 
Every day I walk on the ledge looking into the abyss. I just wish I could step away from it. 
Thank you and sorry for leaving it here.",not depression
dev_pid_3617,I get really upset at night for no reason and I’d thought I’d come to this subreddit for help. : Hi I’m a 15 year old from the U.K. For the past month I’m pretty sure every night from about 9pm I’ve just started crying like the worst things just happened to me even though it hasn’t. For no reason this problem I’m having is making me feel like I can’t tell anyone around me about what’s happening and it makes me hate it even more. Is there any advice that may help? Thanks this is a touchy subject for me.,not depression
dev_pid_3618,"I’m having an awful day. : I just want to see me boyfriend... I’m at my moms alone since Wednesday until Monday and I’m babysitting a new puppy. I can’t do anything because I have to watch him. I tried to watch my boyfriend play games but he was just annoyed with how loud the puppy is and I yelped ow because he made me bleed and I forgot I was in the phone with my boyfriend and he got upset I screamed in his ear. I understand I don’t like it when people scream in my ear. I just feel really alone and I won’t see him until 8:00pm tomorrow or after. And who knows how long he’ll even stay Sunday during the day. I’m just really tired and overwhelmed and really lonely. I have nobody to talk to, nobody not even my dad will drive to see me because my parents are divorced and he won’t go near my moms house and I already drive out to his house to let the dog out. It’s a bit of a drive and I don’t have that much gas money. My job is awful, I have no luck finding a new one. I can’t stop crying and I’m tired of being snapped at or yelled at or arguing. I’m exhausted and depressed and I just need a nice message of support or a long you’re doing great message from the people I love. I never get anything like that from my mom dad or family anymore.",not depression
dev_pid_3619,"I feel useless, like nobody will ever really like me, like I don't have any talent. Basically, a complete failure. : I am an 18 year old guy. I'm still a senior in high school. I have been badly depressed for about a year or more I think. It all started with me realizing I have no friends. I have never been close with anybody and am very lonely. I have dealt with self hatred for years. The more I've been put down for things it seems, the more critical I am of myself. Anything said to me negative will put me in a bad mood. Even positive stuff sometimes does because of a feeling of guilt. There are things I am interested in. I like art, but my art sucks and I don't know how to improve. I have some computer repair skills, but don't enjoy coding. I would love to make something, but I just can't seem to improve my skill. I feel like a useless human being due to all this. I do not see much talent within me. I am trying to get help by seeing a counselor, but I am not really feeling any better after 4 months of seeing her. I feel guilty for even being sad, like I have no valid reason to be depressed. I don't know what to do anymore. I am starting to feel more and more hopeless.",not depression
dev_pid_3620,"How to continue after a brake up : It's over an it's crushed me I relied on her so much because I hated being alone an because I hated my self, but now she's gone I don't know how to move forward I just want her back, to have that connection an feel like I'm worth something to someone.",not depression
dev_pid_3621,"It's now 3 days that I stopped eating.. I know that I should eat but I just can't : I don't have like an eating disorder or something, I am just really depressed in this period, my family is really toxic, usually we would eat together but after a bad argument with my mom we completly stopped interacting. They still eat together but they treat me like I don't exist, and if I try to make a move towards them that's just going to end up in an argument.
They would still leave some food for me at the end but now they don't.
I know I can cook for myself and I tryed, I still drink some milk and eat some biscuits for breakfast, but that's about it. Now I don't even have the desire to eat, I am sitting in the kitchen and I know what I could cook but I just don't have the strenght...
Around lunch time I felt a really bad pain in my stomach like if I had a gun I would shot where I felt the pain just for it to disapear.. I did nothing just laid in bed it still hurts but not as much as before.
I don't know what to do.",not depression
dev_pid_3622,"How I overcome and cope with my depression everyday- hope this helps you guys too : This is my first post and I don’t know if anyone will care to read this but I’m gonna post it anyways. I’ve had clinical depression for the past couple years now and I think everyone can relate the the feeling of hopelessness. Thinking “if things were like this I would feel better”. “If only.....”. “I would be so much happier if ....”. But you end up thinking yourself in hole of sadness and feeling like there’s nothing you can do to fix it and the cycle repeats and nothing changes.
This is how I mainly experience my depression. And lately I’ve been making changes in my life that’s been helping me and I hope this can help someone of you find a way to not get rid of your depression, but cope with it and find a way to tackle it everyday.
Warning: this is what I do personally to help me. I’m not saying this is the right way for everyone but I encourage you to try some of the ways I handle day to day life.
1) Most important of all: Get out of bed. 
Just get out. Say to yourself 1, 2, 3, and stand up on 3. There’s something you can be doing besides laying in bed. I have to tell myself everyday no matter how much I want to sit in bed and do nothing and just sleep and not think about my problems, I know I can’t because I won’t be happy that way. There’s something you could be doing to make your day seem productive and like you got something accomplished for that day. Do laundry. Go for a run. Clean the dishes. Read a book. Do that one thing you’ve been putting off but won’t even take that long to do. The high you can get from having a fulfilling day feeling like you’ve been productive and done something is incomparable to anything I’ve ever experienced
2) Talk to someone. 
No matter how much you want to be reclusive and just keep to yourself I can not express how important having social bonds and commuting with others is. I don’t care if you don’t have friends, most of us really don’t. Literally talk to your coworker. Strike up a convo with someone in the grocery line waiting to checkout. Hell have a conversation with your Uber driver. Communication and expressing thoughts are such an important part of mental health and talking to people always makes me feel like none of us are truly alone in this world, we are all part of a collective group just trying to get through together.
3)Remind yourself everyday that you are worthy. 
This is the hardest thing I struggle with. When good things happen to me instead of feeling happy I feel sad. “I don’t deserve this” “I’m not suppose to feel happy” “I’m not worthy of this”. You are worthy. You are worthy of living. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of attention. You’re not the useless piece of shit you think you are. We all deserve happiness. This is essential to live a fulfilling life. I cannot stress this enough
ALL of this is easier said that done and I 1000% realize that. I know because it took me forever to start doing these things after I realize what was truly making me depressed. I hope some of you though found inspiration in this and try some of these out.
Thank you :)",not depression
dev_pid_3623,"My friend is a strange eunuch... : He said that due to an injury at the age of 8, he became impotent. When I clarified the details, it turned out that it was influenced by the viewing of hard pornography and then he saw the murderous torture of other people in the forest in real life. He was heartbroken. His parents introduced him to ""psychologists"" (not psychiatrists, but followers of pseudoscience). But they could not help him. As a result, he asked at age 8 to castrate. He was made a eunuch. Now he has no sexual attraction, although he is 15 years old. He suffered humiliation, suffered from disability. But now he is supposedly glad to be a eunuch.
1) Does he lie?
2) Is he sick, does he need treatment?",not depression
dev_pid_3624,. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3625,How to pull yourself out of a depression... : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3626,"Do you ever fantasize about making new friends or flirting with someone and then realize ""oh yeah, that stuff is for regular people, not human wastes like me"" : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3627,"Well im sad : So around 2018 my best friend gave me his sisters number as a joke but we ended up talking alot and becoming really good friends around the end of that summer we admitted our feeling for each other but my best friend started hating me and didnt let me come to his house as often so i couldnt see her as much but it was fine cause we still texted and called each other but sadly as of october 26 i talked to her saying that i had a feeling like she didnt like me anymore and it was kinda true but i didnt care we were really good friends but the thing is for like a year  she just didnt care about me anymore everytime i said anything she would say mhmm or uh huh keep in mind i have no standards i will settle for anything and i see her as this godess but after but even me i just wanted have a friend who atleast had a reaction i told myself that there are people out there who care about what i have to say and i shoudnt waste it on her so 4 days ago i told her that i didnt wanna be her friend anymore and im not sure that was the right sure ever since then the ""people who actually care about what i have to say"" have been acting distant whenever i invite them over they make up a fake reason and say they cant make it i have no more friends i can actually rely on anymore so if i stayed her friend would i atleast had a wall to talk to? should i have stayed friends with her should i just have settled like i do i dont know what  to do and im just really sad and im not that smart i dont know what to do i cant exactly make a friend cause my school is just full of people who like soccer and like sports i just want a friend who i can sit beside watching a tv and he/she doesnt care about my physical flaws and he/she hug me when im sad and they wont let me down by either not caring about what i have to say or not wanting to hang out with me whenever im rock bottom i ask reddit for help so what do i do? i normally dont care about being alone but i wanna hang out with someone and when i finally realized i cant i dont know what to do",not depression
dev_pid_3628,"I don’t want to work/get a job but I’m a burden if I’m unemployed : I’m 23 and living at home with my mom, not going to school (though I will be in the fall) and I’ve got medical debt, student loans to pay, etc. honestly never thought I would live this long, I planned to kill myself before I got to my 20s. I feel pathetic for not wanting a job, and I know I just add to my moms stress. I worry I’m ruining her new marriage by being a drain on her and her new husband. Neither of them make a lot of money, and I’m just mooching off of them by living in their house and using their utilities. I haven’t been able to pay them rent this month, and two bills just came in the mail for me. My mom always says to get a job but I don’t think I can. I don’t even want to, and that makes me feel worse.
I’ve had jobs since I was 16. I’ve worked retail, food service, janitorial, babysitting, pet sitting, and hated all of it. Working a job is unbearable to me. My last suicide attempt was because I couldn’t stand the thought of continuing to work until I’m old and decrepit. It’s like torture to me. Like wearing a corset and standing perfectly still for hours on end while people spit on and insult me. I’m not normal, and it takes an incredible amount of effort for me to “pass” as normal for that long. I don’t like talking to new people, and I absolutely hate bosses/managers etc. I hate the whole damn system, the idea that I have to be profitable to some idiot who thinks I’m scum in order to earn the right to live off of top ramen and cereal. I’ve tried my hand at being a freelance artist, but no luck. The results aren’t coming fast enough and the debt is piling up. I’d rather off myself than get another minimum wage job, but as my mom loves to remind me, dying is expensive. Thanks if you read, hope anyone else out there is doing better.",not depression
dev_pid_3629,"Should I avoid dating with my current position in life? : I’m 21, taking a year off from school. I work part time at a Walmart, but I don’t have a car and I’m going paycheck to paycheck. I live with my best friend at his mom’s house. I pay rent, but my bedroom acts as our living room so not a whole lot of privacy. I have pretty poor social skills and have zero luck with women anyways. I also have clinical depression, anxiety, PTSD and dissociation, all of which I’ve dealt with since I was a small child. I was in therapy all throughout my childhood and have gotten significantly better at coping with it, though atm I’m too broke to afford health insurance, so now therapy or meds because I definitely can’t afford out of pocket even with a sliding scale. I am always trying to improve myself, though, I’m not the type to let mental illness be an excuse to let my symptoms run rampant, and I don’t let it affect my personal relationships as much as I can. What do you guys think? I’m honestly not sure",not depression
dev_pid_3630,Listening to music helps me with my hateful feelings about myself : I've been listening to metal more now that I'm slowly getting back into that state of depression and I self harmed again. I hate my futile existence.,not depression
dev_pid_3631,"""why don't you talk about how you feel?"" Ok here's exactly how I feel: : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA",not depression
dev_pid_3632,"i want to leave this country as soon as i can but i dont think thats possible anymore..... : I live in SUDAN its an ugly miserable corrupt shit hole that make other shit holes look like a garden of roses, there alot of stuff i can complain about but lets just say its a shit hole.
i wanna leave this place and go a European country i can speak English very well (currently studying German) and i have a bachelor Degree in Civil Engineering, but i am pretty sure my degree is toilet paper by the European standards and i will end up washing dishes and cleaning toilets if ever managed to go there.
so why am i depressed ? well getting the fuck outta here isnt simple at all, first you need at least 3000 eros and since our economy is at the rock bottom 3000 = unimaginably buttload of money and then there is unsupportive family members who barely know anything at all about other foreign countries and think the are ""EVIL"" cuz there are mostly not religious and they have Mafia and Yakuza and Kartel and the will kill me and chop up my body and sell me as dog food ""they actually think that"" so i am on my own.
this is getting long, i hate this place i hate the food i hate the culture i hate the traditions i hate EVERYTHING about it i never bothered to get to know the neighborhood cuz i always thought i will leave this place soon, i will be 26 soon i am running out of time and i rather slit my throat other than spending the rest of my days here.",not depression
dev_pid_3633,:/ : how can i tell if i have a gut feeling about something bad happening or if i’m just anxious?,not depression
dev_pid_3634,"i miss her so much : I took her for granted, treated her like shit and ruined the only happiness I can remember. my perfect beautiful princess and angel, just gone. to no my fault but my own",not depression
dev_pid_3635,"I’ve struggled for a long time. So many issues with myself. Stuff started to get better but my bulldog, basically my child, has passed away today. : She was the reason I haven’t ended my life yet. She was the best and happiest dog I could have ever asked for. She kept me going and now she passed away from cancer. I wasn’t there to give her a last hug and kiss, or to say goodbye. And it’s all over. I have a fiancé now and she helps. But there is just a huge void in my soul now and I don’t know what I’m going to do.",not depression
dev_pid_3636,Anger : I don't know if its just me but depression makes me angry at everything and I get irritated so easily and I'm just fed up with it. I also tend to run away from stuff idk I guess I'm really childish. I also feel lonely even tho I have friends and a supporting boyfriend but I can't help like I have no friends and I'm so lonely. Often times I was to delete all of my social media and hide in my room and just cry and never talk to anyone ever again.,not depression
dev_pid_3637,"Loner boi : I wonder if all the kids just decided i wasn’t approachable, im not even in school anymore i still feel the same today though",not depression
dev_pid_3638,It’s funny : It’s funny because I feel like I’m just making a fuss out of nothing. And so I just want to end life b/c I don’t want to make a fuss. Ironic.,not depression
dev_pid_3639,Nobody has anything of value to say anymore. People try to tell me meaningless crap about their lives and they just sound like the adults from Charlie Brown to me. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3640,Heartless : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3641,Does anyone else feel this way? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3642,"show of hands, or am i the only one : i write suicide letters every single day. i tend to store them in my wallet/notebooks/underneath mattress etc. only issue is that i can’t kill myself due to people caring which i hate. why care for a worthless individual who’s given up. care for people who have their shit together. just stop caring, let me go. because i already have.",not depression
dev_pid_3643,"Objectivly doing pretty good, but feel miserable anyway. : I feel miserable no matter what I do. I have a relatively good job as a software engineer that is paid like x3 more than region average, I'm managing to keep up with my masters education at the same time, but no matter what I do I feel like I'm failing. I can't relax and play a video game(even though I love video games so much) without thinking that I'm wasting my time, I can't spend any time on my education without thinking that it's all worthless and I should be focusing on my job-related skills. And I can't focus on working on those skills because I think that I'm either going to fail my masters or will not have any time to chill and do relaxing things like, once again, playing video games. I feel lost at this point, I feel like I'm chasing something that I won't achieve ever, that I won't ever tell myself ""You did great, you definitely earned a treat and some rest"". I am looking for any advice from you guys, cause I feel like I'll just snap at some point and end up losing everything I've achieved.
Can't really tell if I'm depressed or not, but I couldn't think of a better place to post this.",not depression
dev_pid_3644,"Everyone I love would be better off without me : I have a major guilt complex which means I feel awful about the tiniest things that other people wouldn't even notice. Because of it, I blame myself for everything.
A friend blocked me on all social media without any explanation - someone who I considered to be a close friend. It made me realise that she's better off without me and so is everyone else in my life.
My parents wouldn't have to deal with me, my boyfriend could find someone that isn't as anxious as me or someone more attractive, my friends wouldnt have to listen to my shit anymore.",not depression
dev_pid_3645,"Here to help:) : I listen to a bunch of podcasts and this particular episode intrigued me. It was ""Fighting Depression with Diet"" by Gutsy Health. I was kind of listening to it to understand my sister who has struggled with depression and thought it could give me some info to share with her. But I also thought it was valuable enough to share here as well. In the episode, they have a guest who struggled with depression for a while and how she went about changing her diet to feel better. They talk about how medication has its place, but your diet matters too! I think that every little effort counts and really, food has an effect on everyone. I hope you take little steps every day that help you feel good. You deserve it!!",not depression
dev_pid_3646,"Who else is alone on yet another Friday night : Once again all my “friends” are out doing something while I say at home, alone. Who else can relate tonight?",not depression
dev_pid_3647,"The current state that i'm in, it's no one, but my fault. : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3648,Bad day : Today hasn't been the best im just so overwhelmed with everything and all the people i normally talk to just leave me on read so i feel like im bothering them so ive just been crying all day but my kids still smile at me so thats a small ray of sunshine,not depression
dev_pid_3649,how is someone supposed to love me or want me when i can’t even love myself : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3650,Massive panic attacks : Been dealing with massive panic attacks today. I want it all to just stop. Nothing is really helping and my poor Kitty keeps trying to help and hasn't left my side. I don't know what to do anymore.,not depression
dev_pid_3651,"about to break up with my gf : she lies to me constantly, etc.
i love her so much im gonna get worse again if i break up, can someone please give me some advice or talk to me",not depression
dev_pid_3652,"I just want to feel loved... : So many people say they love me, but then they'll ignore me for days at a time, they won't interact with me unless I beg for them to. It feels like everyone is just saying it so I won't kill myself. I just want to blow my goddamn brains out.",not depression
dev_pid_3653,"Have yall dealt with rejection and disappointment in life : Should make you stronger, cant do everything right the first time, or are there people that really think it makes you weak if you failed something? Idk why people are depressed, i can only talk about myself. There’s all sorts of retards alive that think everything should be given free to them, im not that delusional. I just wish i could learn something useful without thinking ‘someone will be better at it’.",not depression
dev_pid_3654,"Days come and go .. and me still in my bed miserable, feeling lonely and disgusting for not being able to get my life together. : Please take me back to when i was still young..
I fucking hate myself so much",not depression
dev_pid_3655,It's over : I'm short. I'm ugly. No one cares about me. I'll never be able to find a girlfriend. I'll never know what love feels like. There's no point in going on anymore. Every single day is the same. It's not on the cards for me,not depression
dev_pid_3656,"Everything has been pretty much perfect recently.. it’s weird : These past weeks have been going really good for me so far, my best friends gf introduced me to her friend and we’re getting on really well so far, and because of her I’ve suddenly had, just energy in general I guess, I’ve been getting out of bed with what feels like no effort at all, I’ve been taking care of myself, showering, getting outside for fresh air and I’m starting to get interested into my hobbies like photography again (I used to be really into photography but after a while I lost interest not only in photography but everything else I had like gaming and eventually I stopped feeling for anything and anyone) I feel like a part of my family again, now don’t get me wrong I’m really glad about how everything is at the minute it’s been so long that I’ve felt like this that it feels like a new experience for me pretty much but deep down there’s a small part of me trying to tell myself not to fall for it all and to just go back to how everything was because deep down I know that if I lose that one person it’ll all fall apart again, I don’t know.. but I had a idea about what I could do in case I did lose it all, I’m thinking of maybe creating an Instagram account or something so I can post any pictures I take to keep my mind distracted and busy and hopefully I won’t hit as low as I was before",not depression
dev_pid_3657,Anyone Else Wish for A Fatal Disease?? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3658,anyone need to talk im here : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3659,"Im afraid of posting on here : Im autistic and often i say things that are not true.. bc i have unregulated emotions, im not really truly depressed, i have somewhat of a rhythm rn. I want to communicate my feelings to people and show interest in people in the same boat, but im also both vulnerable myself and rude. I just want to learn more things and be around interesting people.",not depression
dev_pid_3660,"Birthday depression? : Yoooo guys, so today is my 25th birthday. I have this feeling of underwhelming disappointment, like I haven't achieved enough by now and that today isn't what it should be. I spent the day inside (I live in NYC and coronavirus is on the rise) and only went out twice to walk my dogs. I worked from home, editing a video project I didn't enjoy until I wanted to cry with frustrating from revisions and worked on my own Youtube channel (which I like most)but really didn't do much I enjoyed. My boyfriend is obsessed with following the fast spread of coronavirus. He took me out to dinner last night and kept saying things (jokingly) like ""this might be your last"" and its funny but also just all very depressing. I'm also on my period with cramps (love that) and feeling ugly and like crap. Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm expecting to gain from this post but I was wondering if this is normal.. it's already 7 PM here and raining outside but if anyone has ideas on things I could do to feel better, I'd love to know. Thanks.",not depression
dev_pid_3661,"Absolutely dreading spring break : I'm a college student with pretty severe depression. Someone very close to me also just completely cut contact with me, so everything has been even worse than usual. Lately I've been distracting myself by picking up extra shifts at work and studying super hard for classes. But next week is spring break, and I'll be going home. I'm so scared for this break because for the first time I'll be alone with my thoughts and nothing to do. I keep thinking about the person who cut contact with me and how special they were to me. Everything has been so dark. School has helped me keep busy but now during the break I'm terrified of what I might do.",not depression
dev_pid_3662,"Can I tell my depressed friend that she has let me down? : My best friend of over 10 years has been depressed for most of our friendship. It came to a head when she got pregnant years ago and had to come off her meds unexpectedly. It was a very low and dark time for her, and she'd scream and cry, run away and throw things at us, but we just grabbed her and held tight. She came through, credits us (me and our other best friend) with her recovery. She praises us for saving her life and always being there for her.
But she doesn't maintain her mental health once she's ""better"". She hates that she has to put any effort into it, because she doesn't have time and she's too tired. All she does is work, look after her child and watch tv in-between. She stopped seeing other friends, blaming them for abandoning her, but in reality, she became very difficult to be friends with.
It's now at a point that I need her - I am getting married but she's decided that she can't attend as she's pregnant again. She only talks about herself and doesn't respond to anything I say about my life or when I ask for advice. There's no ""conversation"" anymore.
Essentially, she is so sick that she can't see or think of anyone but herself and now I just feel totally let down. Should I tell her? Or just try and move passed the fact that I shouldn't have expected support from someone who can't help themselves?",not depression
dev_pid_3663,"How did it get this bad? : Ever since my daughter died all my friends have abandoned me. I can’t talk about how I feel to anyone any more and have to look strong for those around me. My wife, my other daughter, my co workers. How did it get to the point that I trust nobody anymore?",not depression
dev_pid_3664,"Urge to shave head/eyebrows/body : Does anyone else get the urge to shave their head (or even entire body) when they are extremely stressed or depressed?
I've Google'd it and now I'm wondering how common this urge may be for others. I can't shave everything (eyebrows included) off because of my job but my mind tells me it'll feel good to shave it all off. 
Thoughts?",not depression
dev_pid_3665,"Awareness of depression : Ram Dass has a brilliant way of putting things into perspective. One thing in particular he said about depression really made me change my 'point of view' of my depression and anxiety. He explains how we can seperate 'ourselves' from our self-identification of the depression.
a short part of one of his talks goes something like this:
Person A: I'm really deeply depressed.
Person B: Are you noticing your depression?
Person A: The noticer is just noticing.
Person B: Is the noticer depressed?
Person A: well no, it's just noticing. 
The lesson is to climb into the noticer more and more. Reduce your self identification with the depression.",not depression
dev_pid_3666,"Only one way out... : So im a nursing student who just got placed at a pediatric mental health institute and honestly it scares the shit outta me. There are 9 year olds that are taking medications for depression and even 12 year olds that want to kill themselves. I wonder how these kids havent even started life and they are already hating it. It honestly sucks. Tbh I went through a period of time where I was depressed as well but its scary to even think what these children have went through or are going through that brought them to this horrendous place. I hate calling the sadness that I went through ""depression"" because that word just triggers me to think of everything that is wrong with me. I coped through my sad times by turning to religion but I know not everyone is like me. I dont even know how to help these kids and I dont think stuffing them with drugs prescribed by the doctor will ever help. It hurts me everyday to see them because I wish I had the power to rewire their brains and make them see the goodness in life. 
Life is a constant struggle and is not a place I like either, but that doesnt mean you should just quit. You need to keep going. You need to find one thing and try to get to it. Just one goal. It is hard when you wake up and you dont even want to get up, just starting your day by wishing you died in your sleep, but trust me, one day you will like something about life. And you will die in the end which may make it seem like you are just living for no end goal or purpose, but I believe I am not working for this world but the afterlife, and even if you dont believe in this, just try to make it your goal to make others lives better and make others happy before you die. No amount of money will ever make you happy if your not happy with yourself. So push yourself and cry and keep going. Sacrifice yourself for others and dont expect nothing in return. The smile you give to others by tearing yourself apart will give you comfort, and hopefully make you smile one day. And if it doesnt...i might come visit you and make you smile 😊",not depression
dev_pid_3667,I realized sharing what you think causes you to be depressed actually helps - here's how I feel on the daily for anyone who cares to read! : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3668,"Hope : 
That's what I felt when I thought about you. Hope for the future, because I knew no matter what, I'd have you by my side. We were damn near perfect for each other, and I loved you more than anything. The day I met you, I knew I was going to fall for you. How could I stop myself? You were beautiful. Your perfect smile, curly brown hair, and those eyes that seemed to look right into my soul, it was all so intoxicating. Life was beyond perfect and I spent my days with you on my mind. 
When my Da died, you were there. You held me when I cried, you were perfect. When I left for the funeral, that's when things changed. I began to fall apart. I came back to school, and I spent every minute of the day with you. I was depressed and you made me feel better. I was failing all my classes, but I didn't care because I'd rather be with you. Then, you left. You moved out, you lied to me about why. I met your mother, although you were rather weird about it. You drove off without kissing me, which threw me off. 
I got to see you the next day, meet your friends. I loved spending time with you, being part of your life, and I loved your friends. I was excited to be around this more. When I totaled my car, that was the last time I meant anything to you. You had taken everything I had to give, and other than sex I was worthless. When we talked on the phone it felt forced, and I was scared I was gonna lose you.
 When January came around, I was excited. I was doing well in school, and your birthday was coming up. I had a surprise for you. You thought you were just staying the night with me, but I was going to take you skiing, because you had never seen snow before. But the night before, you barely talked to me. I tried to call you, but you brushed me off. I barely slept that night, I was so excited to get to spend time with you. But when I woke up, you hadn't left. An hour rolled around, then two, and I called you. Straight to voicemail. I texted you, and you didn't respond. Around noon you finally woke up. That's when it began to end. You told me you had tried to kill yourself the night before. I was so shocked, but I didn't let it bother me. I comforted you and asked you what you wanted me to do. The next day, I borrowed my roommates car and drove to the hospital to see you. I wanted to surprise you. I had your Christmas presents, which you insisted you didn't want. I texted your sister and asked her what room you were in, and she asked what I meant. I asked if you had gotten out of the hospital and she said you were never in the hospital. That's when I saw it. You had slipped up, and your friend had put a post on Instagram. You with your boyfriend. Only it wasn't me. It never was me. From the beginning, you had been lying. I called you and I asked one thing. Why? Why would you do this to me? I wish you would've reacted any other way. You started crying. You told me how sorry you were. I asked if your sister knew, and that's when I found out. You had been lying to everyone. I wanted so badly to tell everyone, but I didn't. I wondered what else you had been lying about so I asked your sister, and I found out that you had made up almost everything about yourself, even your last name. 
So now I'm left in this position. I'm in love with someone who doesn't exist. That person you made up, she still haunts my dreams. I still hear her laughter and I wake up reaching for her. But she's not real, just a persona that you made up to get what you wanted. Regardless, I still see your face at night. So look at what you've done. Are you proud? You've done what nobody else could. After everything else that I've gone through, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. 
I'm a broken man now. There's no doubt about it. I barely sleep, I eat maybe 3 times a week, and I rarely leave my room. I wake up calling out your name now as well as Da's. So now I'm dropping out of college, it's ironic that it's for the exact same reason you told the school. Clinical depression. I've lost my hope, my desire for the future. I have no drive, I stopped talking to people, and I just yesterday told my family that I need help. So I'm going to get better, I'm going to be successful and happy and do everything I can to forget about you. But late at night, when I lay, walking the line between sleep and consciousness, I know I'll still see them. Those eyes, looking right into my soul.",not depression
dev_pid_3669,"Why does no one in my family members have depression / anxiety like me? : My aunt suffers from bi-polar disorder and my deceased grandma was rumored to have depression, but no one else can really relate to me. I feel like a black sheep among my friends and family.",not depression
dev_pid_3670,suddenly i’m completely alone : got my heart broken by someone in my friend group and now he invites them all to hang out except for me and nobody says a word to me about it. they all used to talk about how annoying he was and i was the only one who saw the good in him. now they all choose him and leave me far behind like i was never there in the first place. i never saw any of this coming and now all i do is sit at home while they’re all having fun. i’ve never felt this alone and humiliated in my life.,not depression
dev_pid_3671,"Opinion wanted please, is it just a phase? : I don't expect anyone to reply but I feel like putting my thoughts into words would help.
Maybe it's just teenager shit but I used to never cry as a kid and I used to pride myself on that. Now I'm a mess I take everything too seriously and I cry so easily it's so embarrassing. Today has just been a low point for me so I'd like opinions and advice. Basically I had two exams on Wed and Thurs (music) the end to the torture of going up to Bray to play the viola. Being honest I thought I did fairly alright... well maybe not. 
But last friday my bf came back home from across the country (he goes college somewhere else) so I got to meet up with him well there was a lot of tension between me and my parents. When I got into the car not a word was said between us and I tried to brush it off but it still makes me tear up to this day. And today I just burst into tears in front of my friends when they were making fun of me like they always do. Is it just because I've been lacking sleep and it's a phase?? And what do I do with parents who don't approve of the relationship, parents who are like obstacles?",not depression
dev_pid_3672,"Thank you people : Just wanted to thank everyone that posts here or other similar places. I'm a fairly regularly depressed person and it crushes me to death. I'm used to the sink, touch bottom scrape and then bounce back to surface momentum I've worked for myself after many years of dragging the bottom steady. Life is great and a terrible burden and everyday I have to find a moment to get my breathe and find up again. I like gravitate to all the terribly depressing songs that let me appreciate the beauty of art so many people have bestowed in their own way whether music or art or just words. Anyways man, it's a good, and terrible feeling knowing so many other people are feeling it too. It makes me wanna surface and bring some sad soul with me for a second, hit that parting glance of like, best of luck, and dive under again. I'm glad I've been gifted with this curse of caring enough for it to affect me and I just wanted to let whomever know thanks for suffering a little with me. Hope your moment is a little better and whatever and wherever you end up, know I cared if only for a moment. Thanks.",not depression
dev_pid_3673,"Invalid Pain : I’m just so sick of trying got open up to others and they compare your suffering to people’s around the world. Like I get it, I’m not the only one, but that doesn’t make my suffering invalid because I’m not alone. It also makes you question yourself, should I be this deep in the pit of despair when others are below me? Which just makes it worse. Just so sick of invalidation. Was told it would get better every year of high school. I’m a junior now and have seen no change on the horizon. Fuck everything.",not depression
dev_pid_3674,"I’m going to quit my job tomorrow : I feel so useless. I only work 3 days a week and I still can’t handle doing even that, I cry every evening before it’s my first day back in and every morning before I leave. I have a fucking mortgage at 19 and I know I should be grateful that I was in a place where I could afford it but it’s such a huge burden on me all the time because whatever happens I can’t have a fucking break. I need to make money or I will lose the house. But I can’t face going into work anymore, the amount of times I’ve thought about badly hurting myself or falling into the road on the walk in just so I don’t have to go. So I’m just going to quit and if I have to move back with my mum and rent my house out so be it. I’ll be depressed living back at home but I’ll be more depressed if I have to spend another fucking day at that job.",not depression
dev_pid_3675,"Things that help with depression : Look up Scott Sterling Best Volleyball Blocks on Youtube.
The video is very motivating and will guarentee to make your day feel abit better.",not depression
dev_pid_3676,"I want to reset life back a couple years. I hope this world has a lives system like a videogame. : I'm going down a dead end path. I've turned down life altering offers and relationships with amazing girls because I'm not worth it. My parents had such high hopes for me and now I've become nothing but a do nothing who preoccupies his suicidal thoughts by playing videogames constantly, I've lost all sense of sympathy, my friends all secretly despise me and I'm doomed to fail. I can't even get a job and the one's I had in the past all had me fired because of my depressive actions and low energy.
I just wanna go back a couple of years and not act like the complete and utter fucking dolt of a human being I am today and try again. Why the fuck did I do this to myself? At points I think I'm just destined to fail, even when I fucking try I fail. *'Oh you did some really good work you spent a year working on; on this harddrive? Too bad it's corrupt'.* 
I hate myself so much, I don't know why but I don't want help and I want to be dead.",not depression
dev_pid_3677,Tips on living off the grid? I'm done trying. I just want to survive alone. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3678,"I’ve been in and out of mild depression for couple of years but today everything is a bit much : I have anxiety about all the shit going on in the world right now, my girlfriend told me last night that she’s suicidal, my mate has spiralled into a really dark place after drugs and other shit and I’m in my last year of high school trying to do the best I can with body issues and a bunch of self doubt. 
This is kinda just to get it off my chest so if anyone is going through similar stuff I’m happy to chat.",not depression
dev_pid_3679,Spring forwardddd!!!! : I can’t even describe how happy I am that the time changes this weekend. “Normal” people don’t understand how depressing winter/darkness is for an already depressed person. Spring forward gives me so much more energy. I’m not the only one who’s excited as hell about this am I?!?,not depression
dev_pid_3680,"For me it's not the depression, it's my lack of belief that it will ever get better. : Just as the title says. I've been living with these feelings since I was young, and I've never gotten better, not even by a small measure. By this point, all my optimism is used up. I don't see any version of me with a future, and everything just feels bleak.",not depression
dev_pid_3681,"I wish I could die rather than being this useless, insignificant, ignored and incompetent. : I don't think I can see any hope or signs of improvement in my life. I am too incompetent to bring about a major change in my life I don't see the point. 
M 24. Pathetic physique 
Pathetic face 
Pathetic interaction skills 
A pathetic person all around",not depression
dev_pid_3682,"I don’t necessarily want to die, but I want the person I am to die. : I am sick of the person I am. I am constantly anxious, never voice my mind, never stay motivated, and am afraid of failure. As a child I was coddled because I was the depressed kid that they wanted to keep alive. So I never learned how to fail because everything was always too safe. But I also never learned how to get over my traumas and have become this non confrontational, quiet, anxious, talentless nobody. 
I desperately want to be someone who doesn’t give a fuck and isn’t afraid of failing. I don’t want to lead a safe, safety net life. I’ve been trying to work on my thoughts, and well as increasing exercise and trying to push myself to be more outgoing, but it’s hardly working. I’ve been doing this for years. 
How do I force myself to change? And I mean drastically change. If I stay like the way I am now, I won’t last 5 more years. I want to be someone who doesn’t give a fuck and gets excited at the concept of success and failure and doesn’t need to be coddled by every person I know. I’m so sick of being that person. Are there any books or talks someone can recommend, or a way you go about changing yourself that drastically? I want to be completely different. I need to stop being afraid. I need to stop being coddled. I want to live. And I want it to be my way. But I don’t know how.",not depression
dev_pid_3683,Is taking your own life a mortal sin? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3684,"Need advice for school : Lately I have been extremely unmotivated, I have little appetite, find it hard to get out of bed, sleep too much, and have been emotionally drained. I try to be happy as best as I can to avoid being problematic with my friends, who are also incredibly busy and have their own lives.
I am in a extremely competitive and intensive program in college, but I feel like I am just barely hanging on. How do I try and be productive, motivated, and happy? I am really struggling and any advice would be appreciated.",not depression
dev_pid_3685,"D : Conscription. This was the reason.
Duty. so they called.
one and a half year. the time i must indure.
I am locked up in a very old and dusty place with some good men and shity men.
My labor cost under minimum wage.
I never wanted to be a soldier. 
It seems no way to out here.",not depression
dev_pid_3686,Raid Shadow Legends Might have Killed a Man : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3687,"""Nobody should be alone in a dark place"" : The same people when you actually do reach out for any kind of support: *single cricket chirping*",not depression
dev_pid_3688,"My life is quite perfect : And i fucking hate it. Whenever someone asks me whats wrong when i look down, I have nothing to say because my life seems so freaking perfect. What am i suppose to say when asked such a question? I use to fantasize someone asking me if im alright but now that its happening ive not nothing to say. I cant just say i feel sick and just plain bad for no reason right?!",not depression
dev_pid_3689,"A Song I Found That Helps Me : hey guys, i usually just read the posts here, but I found a song that i had to share. Not sure who the artist is, but spotify recommended it. it talks alot about being overwhelmed and stuff and just feels good to sing along to. check it out: [https://open.spotify.com/track/03TIDLyUiAXa4fVWAEGVv8](https://open.spotify.com/track/03TIDLyUiAXa4fVWAEGVv8)",not depression
dev_pid_3690,"Its Constricting. : Can we give up now? Please. 
If someone put a gun to my head I'd beg them to pull the trigger... considering I have such a hard time doing it myself. 
Maybe someone else would do it for me.",not depression
dev_pid_3691,"I hate myself : Everybody is so perfect.
They have everything and nothing and are so perfect with all their imperfections. Confident. 
It just makes me hate myself even more. 
I love them all.
I just feel like I don't belong to be here with them. A burden.  
And I try so hard but one wrong move. One glance that looks different to me and thats it. Then I know they don't want me here.  
And then there is this one person who always ignores me. I hate that.  What did I do? Am I that horrible...
I'm sorry that I'm good at nothing, ugly, stupid and that there is  really nothing good about me.",not depression
dev_pid_3692,I feel like a huge screwup : I'm just so awkward in social situations and my mood is so unstable that it's hard to maintain friendships. Most of the time I feel like staying away from everyone so I push them away and then when I *do* want to socialize I've already distanced myself too much. I hate myself and I hate the fact that I have to live with myself for the rest of my life. It just seems so unbearable.,not depression
dev_pid_3693,I feel okay today : Today I woke up made myself breakfast which is rare. I fed myself and I applied for a lot of jobs. I told the people I care about that I love them. I took the old dishes out of my room and washed them. It’s not much but I feel pretty accomplished mentally. I feel a little exhausted but I’m making strides and I’m thankful.,not depression
dev_pid_3694,"I don't understand society : I don't understand how people can be so pragmatic and emotionally stable enough to work most of their lives doing shit they probably don't like.
I don't understand how confident people are, they can make friends with the simplest effort, can nail job interviews, can have the power not to be trampled on by others.
I don't understand biological families and why should random strangers give a fuck about each other.
I don't understand why is everyone is going crazy over political shit that will probably never affect them.
I don't understand this urge to live at any cost, the illegality of death and suicide, the measures and precautions people take to preserve life.
I don't understand most of humour unless it's bleak and morbid.
I don't understand the appeal of going to social places, like cinemas, bars etc. Movies and TV shows are boring as fuck, I watched thousands of movies, and hundreds of TV shows during my life, but it always felt like a chore to please others watching with me, always looked at the clock or streaming time eager for them to finish.
I don't understand what did I deserve to be born hated. 
I don't understand why we're all here. Who cares whether we live or die? To be entertained by boring shit for those few hours people have after work, only to sleep, and have to wake up at twilight?
Why do we live? Why am I here. Can I just disappear?",not depression
dev_pid_3695,What do you do when you feel lonely and theres no one you can talk to? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3696,"Ah yes thanks mom : Me: * feeling very down and upset* 
Mom: * talks about how she wants to help me not feel down while YELLING @ me about being down and how hard it is for her right now to help me * 
Me: uh please don’t worry about it I’m just going to go to my room 
Mom: it’s not about you! It’s about me being your mom and wanting to help you ! * still yelling * 
Gee thanks. I feel SO much better now.",not depression
dev_pid_3697,"I made an actual dinner for myself while home alone : It may not sound like much but I did it. I tend to be a bit dependent on the company of my boyfriend to gain the motivation to do anything productive. He went out to hang out with a friend so I was alone for the night. Typically if he’s not home I’ll order from DoorDash but, I actually forced myself to cook a nice healthy meal. It’s not much but it’s a step.",not depression
dev_pid_3698,"Please let me share this song about my depression, it's the only way I know how to relate. : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3699,Mixing alcohol with Wellbutrin + lexapro? : Anyone have experience with this? If so please answer asap,not depression
dev_pid_3700,"I want to help my sister. : Hi guys, 
My sister is pretty young and I want to do the best I can to support her during her lows. We're usually pretty good at communicating but I want to know any thing you wish you got from your close ones. So maybe I can apply it to her situation. I have a few friends and some family with depression and I've learned a lot from them and I know that everyone is different but I just don't know what else to do on my end to help her the best I can.
Thanks.",not depression
dev_pid_3701,Hey : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3702,"Been depressed the last 2 days : Screwed up a good relationship that had potential, now she's gone.",not depression
dev_pid_3703,"Can i just vent for a second. My life's getting harder and harder by the minute. : Ok so my problems aren't breakups or something i can get over.
Please take the time to read.
 I was a mistake from a 4 week relationship. When i was born my real dad disowned me. he said i didn't matter to him which kinda makes sense because i have 14 siblings from his side which i have never met. And my mom met her now husband when i was about 1. i'm now 14. they have 2 kids together. I live with him my mom and my two brothers, ""a happy family."" my moms husband started being creepy and started molesting me in the 7th grade. no one knew but everyone saw me falling apart. when i hit high school i started doing drugs because i have completely fallen apart and don't know how to pick myself back up. I had all stoner friends and i was smoking and doing molly and pills all the time. i was always high falling asleep in class and had all f's. About two months into school i got caught because i was stealing shit and money and stuff and my mom and him took my phone and i still don't have it back. they found out i was doing drugs and cut me off from the world. I have nothing at this point. Then i got in trouble again cause they found my pills i was still taking. And then i got in trouble again and these are about 3 months apart, but i got in trouble again for having my wax pen. Then i got in trouble again because i got caught smoking weed. I got put in home school the first time i got caught. And when i got caught smoking the weed my mom took it to the school and made a huge ass deal about it. i had to talk to a cop and i told him everything. about how my stepdad was molesting me and how my mom is verbally abusive. My mom always tells me how much of a mistake i am and that she hates me almost every day. And i told him i haven't told my mom about my stepdad and so he did. My mom told me it was my fault for him touching me. She told me i shouldn't have been born and that's why its my fault. She is now just being so mad at me for nothing. When everything came out my mom has turned all my family away from me only telling them that i was doing drugs for no reason. And now i'm the disgrace in the family. My papa that lives on Hawaii wants me to go there to deal with my drug problem. i mean Hawaii is good and all but like he hates me and so does everyone else. My mom even said i cant talk to my brothers because she doesn't want me affecting their lives. I don't know when i'm going to Hawaii. i want to go but now i have reddit i have made a friend i used to go to school with and we are now dating. we meet up every Monday without my mom knowing. So i don't want to go to Hawaii because i don't want to leave him but i need to leave my abusive family. I have tried to overdose a couple times and tried to drown myself one time. nothing has worked but just leaves me more depressed. I really don't know what i did to deserve any of this. Like i really like my boyfriend. he said he would get me a phone (hes kinda rich lol), so i'm going to get a phone again soon. but i fr don't know why i got this kind of family. I also used to get bullied in 5th grade till i came to high school cause i used to be really ugly. Which made me even more fucked up. anyways thanks for listening:)and i'm very insecure of myself because of the bullying and i have trust issues hard and commitment issues because i have been used in every relationship i have ever had.",not depression
dev_pid_3704,Hi everyone : I started my first meditation today and I already feel better! I'm so happy 💖💖💖,not depression
dev_pid_3705,Do you ever just want to go to sleep because your dreams are more interesting than real life? : ,not depression
dev_pid_3706,"Fuck : No one calls or texts, scroll through ur phone all night, listen to music and play hit at, play video games but get bored, cut your wrists 
Repeat tommorow",not depression
dev_pid_3707,I feel okay today : Today is the first day in forever that I actually feel like I can make it.,not depression
dev_pid_3708,Does anybody else become depressed by the media they absorb/consume? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3709,"Nature of depression : Basically what I see as depression is suppression of positive emotions and intensification of negative, when you are depressed, you can only see what’s out of order, you start to compare yourself to someone else’s today rather than yourself’s yesterday, which makes you resentful, bitter and as a result deceitful.
Get your act together, put your house in perfect order, accept responsibilities and accept the fact that there are people higher than you in the hierarchy.",not depression
dev_pid_3710,Not Really Sure What To Do Next : Th,not depression
dev_pid_3711,"Bad Day : First, I’m sick and have been for this week. Because of this I’ve been more tired then I usually am so my energy is out. However, I want to be happy so i ask my friends if they can hang out. They all say no. Then, having one and a half days to myself only, come home ready to relax, since no plans. So, as I’m watching TV, I see all my friends hanging out together. Both friend groups, whom I’m all good friends with (some really close), hanging out without me and posting it on social media. I just need an outlet. I know it’ll get better when I’m finally off to college but it’s been like this for a couple years now. I’m just tired of this. Thanks for letting me share",not depression
dev_pid_3712,do you ever realize none of your friends really need you : do you ever realize none of your friends *really* need you or want you around? or think about what would happen if you disappeared — the world would just keep turning. they’d never even know.,not depression
dev_pid_3713,"people try to give me advice : Happy people give me advice. people with friends, and ideal lives with potential. imagine being so juiced up on dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins that you think life is worth living .",not depression
dev_pid_3714,"Care : No one asks me how I’m doing anymore. I used to get the odd “hey, how you doin” but that’s not really something I can say “well to be completely honest I’m destroying my mental health without a care in the world I want to end my life and I spent last night researching painless methods of suicide” as a response to. Not one person has ever in my life said “hey man you seem like your struggling can I help” and honestly if one person I knew asked that I’d offload everything I’m thinking about. You wouldn’t need to pry or convince me to talk I just want that one question to be asked. 
I’m currently in a relationship with my girlfriend but she doesn’t ask me what’s up, she’s got enough on her plate with mental health as it is I just feel so so so alone. And when I’m not I feel like a burden.",not depression
dev_pid_3715,"Feels Like All My Passion is Just Gone : My life has been rather stressful as of late, I ended up dropping high school due to not really caring. The only person who was able to really convince me to try and do anything with my life is my therapist. Now, I've had a few different ones through out my life, and this was the first one that felt really comfortable talking about things on a more personal level. However, just recently I found out that they will be transitioning me off to a new therapist. This is mostly because my original one has too many people they have to work on. 
I'll admit that it felt like terrible timing, since we were just looking into possible alternative schools I could do. I met my new therapist as well, and I honestly just don't really like them, or at least feel comfotable. The only problem is they're one of the last ones I can see. I just don't see myself working with them out of being uncomfortable. It kind of feels like everything I've been working up on as kind of been ripped away. Mostly because I have a really hard time opening up to new people. I just don't really know what to do anymore, I guess I've just kind of given up.",not depression
dev_pid_3716,"Mirrored Disaster : When the truth is finally revealed. ‬
The mirror reflection’s peeled 
Masks ripped and thrown away
Horrific disfigurement on display
Stark reality, nothing to glean
‪Only disaster that everyone’s seen ‬",not depression
dev_pid_3717,"No friends and it’s your fault : You ever try to be better but realize you’re the toxic one? 
That everyone you’ve ever known has met you and decided they don’t like you or rather be around other people? 
You ever watch people you know grow further away from you and closer to each other? Because you’re always the piece that didn’t make sense around them.
That when you look back on your relationships with people you can remember distinct moments where you’ve said or did something that’s pushed them further away, changing their opinion of you. Like even remember the look on their face that says “I don’t wanna be in this conversation” 
You ever just realized your a shitty, judgmental and selfish individual disguised as a seemingly normal person. 
You ever convince yourself that you need to start being okay with being alone because after 25 years of life you still can’t find someone who can do more than just tolerate your existence. 
Because that’s how I feel and it be cool to know it isn’t just me.",not depression
dev_pid_3718,I want to have a failed suicide attempt : Wanna die but i’m too scared to. A failed suicide attempt seems perfect but I don’t know how I would pull that off,not depression
dev_pid_3719,i don’t want your pity : ,not depression
dev_pid_3720,Why do people come on this forum to brag about how their life is getting better or how amazing things have been ? : Sorry I just don’t get it . I mean yeah I have some good days but I would never come on here and tell a bunch of depressed people about it. Maybe I’m weird I don’t know,not depression
dev_pid_3721,What’s wrong with me : It’s me against the world and I’m losing pretty badly. Wonder how many lives I get,not depression
dev_pid_3722,"having trouble sticking with it. feels like i’m running out of road. : new (old) acc cause i lost the login to the other. 
it’s getting so bad. i feel so empty that i can feel it being sucked out of my chest like a vacuum. i don’t know why i’m still here, death feels so comforting somethings.
please give some advice",not depression
dev_pid_3723,"I don't have much that brings fulfillment to my life, and the few hobbies I do have are bring back painful memories, that makes it so I don't enjoy them. : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3724,What's even the point ? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3725,"I just want everyone to know that their not alone. I appreciate having this platform so I can see that for myself. We share a lot of the same problems here but there is always hope. How about we share 1 insecurity we have that triggers our depression. : Let's discuss potential solutions in the comments that have worked in your life. 
My insecurity is people thinking I'm stupid. I've skipped every presentation in University because I'm afraid to be put on the spot. I dont go to classes where the teachers call out students because I'm afraid to say the wrong answer. Sometimes I feel so much anxiety when I talk to people that I mess up my words and cant form a proper sentence. I dread talking in front of groups. This insecurity is preventing me from connecting with people, and showing my true self. When I sound nervous people dont take me serious, they cringe, or just feel bad. This makes me even more stressed out knowing how people see me. I'm trying to read more to expand my vocabulary and to become more confident but it's a long process. Some days I just lay in bed pretending I'm someone else completely.",not depression
dev_pid_3726,I hope I get the coronavirus : I hope I get the coronavirus so I don't have to jump off a building this summer.,not depression
dev_pid_3727,Sometimes I really wonder if being less ugly would help... : ,not depression
dev_pid_3728,"March Break Sucks : It's the same thing every year, my good friends from school forget I exist and I spend the entire break alone while they go hang out or are abroad. Video games get boring after a day, and I end up spending the rest of the time home alone. Almost any attempt to reach out is also rejected by other plans and whatnot.",not depression
dev_pid_3729,Stuck : I have a complicated history with this one girl. She led me on for a month and then rejected me when i asked her out and that kinda fucked with me for awhile and we got in a bunch of fights but then we grew closer again only for her to fuck with me more and eventually i said out friendship cant work and we didnt talk for 2 months but i thought about her every day. as soon as i started doing better she came back into my life and i convinced myself i was over her and we could just be friends but i obviously am not. she ignores me except for when she needs attention and she knows she can get it from me. im aware of this but i cant get over her even though i know shes bad for me in every way. how do i genuinely get over her. ive tried distancing myself and it didnt work. i tried distracting myself with other girls and i still couldnt stop thinking about her. what do i do ive felt stuck for so long,not depression
dev_pid_3730,thoughts : it gets real tiring when ur the only one caring about all the bonds and relationships u have with people. it’s like ur carrying them all on ur back but for what reason?,not depression
dev_pid_3731,I think we are all afraid of being abandoned : Get your shit together. You went feel the same way. Life is tough. Keep those that value you very close to you. I found someone so very special,not depression
dev_pid_3732,"I’m the worst combination : I’m literally the worst combination to be discriminated against.
I’m black, and racism is real in New York.
I’m a girl, because sexism
I’m openly bisexual, despite being Christian, so a lot of stereotypical rude homophobes keep insulting me.
These are the big factors that result in my depression and anxiety. It sucks ass.",not depression
dev_pid_3733,I know everyone has their own stuff to deal with - but the posts here that get completly ignored is because of that or because of the content? I just wonder... : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3734,"Why should you live if you were never loved by anybody in life and are a genuinely broken person? : If anybody has any rational arguments, I'd appreciate them.
The least liked member of the family here with many years of isolation experience under the belt.",not depression
dev_pid_3735,"Cyuh : You may be on here you may not, drugs and mental health has pushed me to insanity, I constantly see her on here convincing myself it's her, I feel she may be or eventually will, sorry to everyone I hurt, Graysom happy birthday buddy, I love you 3,000.",not depression
dev_pid_3736,"Age regression : Does anyone else feel or think they are extremely emotionally immature for your adult age? I link it to my trauma, the experiences I had in my life and ways I failed to cope or persevere.",not depression
dev_pid_3737,Wow people are actually out there living life? Not feeling like a black void of sadness everyday and having friends? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3738,Here's one positive thing about depression : It's not a disease that you're on your own with.,not depression
dev_pid_3739,how can i stop pushing everyone away? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3740,Does anyone else feel that now is an especially sad time to be a young person? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3741,Emotional abuse from sibling : I've tried looking for resources on how to deal with this for the past few hours but I haven't found a lot of information. I wanted to know if anyone else has ever experienced this before and if you've managed to disconnect yourself from your sibling without upsetting the rest of your family? Btw both me and my sibling are in our early 20s.,not depression
dev_pid_3742,I feel terrible like I haven't felt in years. : I think this is all starting again becuase of too mang events recently. I don't wanna be depressed again. Why,not depression
dev_pid_3743,"Everyone hates me : Truly. Call it a victim complex but they do. Call it reciprocative. I sabotage myself. Whether this is depression or fate means nothing, but the venlafaxine sure helps... Most of the time.",not depression
dev_pid_3744,"A happy man :  When these graven lines you see,  
Traveler, do not pity me;  
Though I be among the dead,  
Let no mournful word be said.  
Children that I leave behind,  
And their children, all were kind;  
Near to them and to my wife,  
I was happy all my life.  
joking lm depressed as fuck and l wanna die so bad [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Yu2ynndFtdS8ki6YjLmDu?si=IDpvCyfLRU6YdUbrZ\_NTRQ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2Yu2ynndFtdS8ki6YjLmDu?si=IDpvCyfLRU6YdUbrZ_NTRQ)",not depression
dev_pid_3745,"Experiences with escitalopram? : I haven't taken any pills yet, 
Its been 4 days. Idk why,",not depression
dev_pid_3746,Feels excluded out of everything : Everything that my friends do i’m with them. but it feels like i don’t belong there and i’m lonely even though they are my best friends. it feels like they are doing things a lot more without me and i feel like i’m a burden.,not depression
dev_pid_3747,I called the suicide hotline. I reached out for help. I’m finally done. : I called everyone asking for help for days. I’m left on read. I’m done living. Suicide hotline couldn’t help me. Goodbye.,not depression
dev_pid_3748,"I’m over it, I just wanna go home : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3749,All that people do in the end is abandon me... : They will always leave me...,not depression
dev_pid_3750,All that people do in the end is abandon me... : They will always leave me...fuck reddit its pissing me off... Im alone in this fucking world...,not depression
dev_pid_3751,All that people do in the end is abandon me... : They will always leave me...fuck reddit its pissing me off... Im alone in this fucking world...,not depression
dev_pid_3752,All that people do in the end is abandon me... : They will always leave me...fuck reddit its pissing me off... Im alone in this fucking world...,not depression
dev_pid_3753,All that people do in the end is abandon me... : They will always leave me...fuck reddit its pissing me off... Im alone in this fucking world...,not depression
dev_pid_3754,All that people do in the end is abandon me... : They will always leave me...fuck reddit its pissing me off... Im alone in this fucking world...,not depression
dev_pid_3755,"It's my birthday : It's my birthday and I'm 19 now. My birthday is the marker for the event that sparked my depression and now I resent it, but I feel bad not being happy today because everyone around me tries so hard to make it special and I can't help but feel awful. It's been 6 years now and I feel worse every time. I don't know why I can't just be happy. Why did I have to be one of the ones who has to live like this. Why do I have to feel this way all the time, it never goes away, nothing distracts me anymore. I'll have some form of this for the rest of my life. No matter what changes, I will always be me and that's terrifying to me. I don't know how to feel anymore.",not depression
dev_pid_3756,"I’m older than I thought I would ever be : It’s my twentieth birthday today. I never expected to make it here. Things haven’t really gotten better, I’ve just gotten good at functioning I guess. It’s really weird to think about being 20. It feels like I died ages ago and I’m just an empty husk walking this planet. Idk",not depression
dev_pid_3757,All that people do in the end is abandon me... : They will always leave me...fuck reddit its pissing me off... Im alone in this fucking world...,not depression
dev_pid_3758,All that people do in the end is abandon me... : They will always leave me...fuck reddit its pissing me off... Im alone in this fucking world...,not depression
dev_pid_3759,"here's how to dig out of your hole. (Now Do it) : Say you're 22, just graduated, and not sure what to do for the next 45 years. 
Say you're trying to.......find a path.
Well something that really helped me is crafting my vision first. I spent about 200 hours researching and figuring out what it was I wanted to do. Instead of just going out to flip burgers etc (just for the sake of staying busy). 
TAKE FREAKING TIME TO ASK YOURSELF HOW YOU WANT YOUR FUTURE TO BE.
So many people just go from retail job to retail job, not stopping and asking: what the hell is my future?
I even quit after my first day at a sweat shop factory because I didn't have a vision there. I was on break with a guy who looked like shit and asked him, ""how long have you been here?"" He said ten years.
I DID NOT WANT TO BE HIM AT 35. He was my anti-model.
Now I have crafted a vison. Thanks to Graham Stephan, Gabe Bult, and others.The vison is to be retired by 35 with part time math teaching.
Based on that I made steps. 
Steps:
Work at Local company, switch to higher paying job, save, invest in property, cycle properties, retire by 35, teach math and enjoy life and family.
Now that I have a vision, I will do whatever it takes because of I have already set my focus on the horizon. Everything in the middle are just steps along my personally crafted path.
But this is important: Find people who actually took paths similar to your vision. On youtube, on podcasts, and in real life. Make sure they were nirm people like you and made it work.
Model their paths. And go kick ass in life.",not depression
dev_pid_3760,Something I wish I could tell my friends: When I’m telling you about something that’s gotten me down the last thing I want to hear is “you need to get therapy!” : ,not depression
dev_pid_3761,"Before depression vs now : This is what I used to look like when I was trying to get fit and be happy then idk what happened. Anxiety, depression and loneliness is what happened 
[...](http://imgur.com/a/QE2d4r0)",not depression
dev_pid_3762,"Read this. Change your life. Enjoy. : Say you're 22, just graduated, and not sure what to do for the next 45 years. 
But this is important: Find people who actually took paths similar to your vision. On youtube, on podcasts, and in real life. Make sure they were normal people like you and made it work.
Model their paths. And go kick ass in life.",not depression
dev_pid_3763,Slow suicide : I hate doctors or going to the hospital but recently.. I thought I just had jock itch feels like it .but it's like a 15inch diameter bruise around my genitals ?  Could it be something else ?,not depression
dev_pid_3764,"Read this. Please. (trust me) : Say you're 22, just graduated, and not sure what to do for the next 45 years. 
Model their paths. And go kick ass in life.",not depression
dev_pid_3765,Dont show me concern : Whenever people show me concern i get too attached and they start getting annoyed so i prefer to just shut them out from the start. Its getting really tiring trying to ignore them during classes though (doesnt help that part of me really wants their attention).,not depression
dev_pid_3766,"The view from halfway down : The View From Halfway Down
The weak breeze whispers nothing
The water screams sublime
His feet shift, teeter-totter
Deep breath, stand back, it’s time
Toes untouch the overpass
Soon he’s water bound
Eyes locked shut but peek to see
The view from halfway down
A little wind, a summer sun
A river rich and regal
A flood of fond endorphins
Brings a calm that knows no equal
You’re flying now
You see things much more clear
Than from the ground
It’s all okay, or it would be
Were you not now halfway down
Thrash to break from gravity
What now could slow the drop
All I’d give for toes to touch
The safety back at top
But this is it, the deed is done
Silence drowns the sound
Before I leaped I should’ve seen
I really should’ve thought about
I wish I could’ve known about
The view from halfway down",not depression
dev_pid_3767,Is there someone I can talk to for a while : I really need it,not depression
dev_pid_3768,How do you guys cope with your problems? I can’t. : How do you guys cope with your problems? I don’t know why I invalidate my own feelings and say that it’s nothing when in fact I know that it’s there.,not depression
dev_pid_3769,Some people on here are actually really mean : Why do I see so much ’you're just attention seeking’ etc comments for some posts (they're downvoted like hell which is good but why are there such comments in the first place?) Like ok maybe some of the people that post on here are attention seeking but why do some people just assume who is and who isn't? Like if you got nothing nice to comment then just don't? You don't know who's behind the post and what they're going through so if you just wanna be mean go to somewhere else...,not depression
dev_pid_3770,Fighting Parents : What do I do if my parents are fighting and are on the brink of divorce?,not depression
dev_pid_3771,What is the best way to fall to your death? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3772,"I wrote some depressing limericks that I wanted to share. Recently been going through a tough period and putting it into paper seemed to help : The mind that sings
The arm that stings
The void inside
The boy who died
A man who was not to be
The narcissist watches his life
As he prods and turns over his knife
His scars will go deep
So soon he will sleep
A slumber to escape his strife
Empty and hopeless his body
His mind feels just melancholy
Is this his truth
He feels like no youth
Why should a life be this shoddy
The blade entered his arm
Yet all that he felt was calm
Logic now shut and
Red from the cut
His life still rests in his palm
His time here feels like his own
Yet really it is but a loan
He exists as a brain
All he feels is his pain
And soon you will see his headstone
A noose and a neck walk into a bar
They turn to each other and know they won't scar
For a scar needs some healing
They look up at the ceiling
And know they won't make it that far
A man who was blind has died
Those whom he loved have cried
He needed a break
From his terrible ache
He found his way through suicide
The deafening silence of death 
Is not nearly as loud as what's left
The people you've met
You've cast a far net
Your final mistake was a theft",not depression
dev_pid_3773,"Some limericks I wrote. Recently being going through a tough time and putting my feelings onto paper seemed to help : The mind that sings
The deafening silence of death
Your final mistake was a theft",not depression
dev_pid_3774,I really need to talk : Im going through to much and am finaly falling apart i just need a friend right now that can help me please,not depression
dev_pid_3775,"when cannabis shine.... :  **When cannabis shine…. Directly to the right, a new first will spawn from the gods. Stunning wings of pure madness will lay low the trancing people, and the howling of the dead will bring order to their brethren at last.**",not depression
dev_pid_3776,Just a lil something : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3777,I know I'm still 11 but how do u deal with depression. I've been depressed for so much reasons like rejections and heart breaks : ,not depression
dev_pid_3778,"Get relief from Depression - A short guide : I am not a psychologist, but i do consider my self an expert in going through and getting out of depressive episodes. Have helped plenty of friends in the past, so i thought i d take the time for whoever needs to read this. 
This is my -GET BACK TO BEING FUNCTIONAL ASAP- guide. You obviously need to check out more books/therapy/treatment to completely heal from the roots. 
1. Running. 
Once you re depressed you ll either be super lazy and sleepy, or not sleeping at all, so both those will kill your drive for exercise, but this is something you really have to push yourself to do. I think running works best cause if makes you go outdoors. Any other exercise would do, but i couldn't personally do a team thing or be at a gym, so running is my best option. I 've run sleepless at 4am. It doesnt matter. If you 're depressed you have to kill that monster ASAP. 
2. Reading
I can't read fiction when i am going through an episode, but reading about depression and psychology has helped me immensely. I recommend ""LOST CONNECTIONS"" by Johann Hari and ""HOW TO CHANGE YOUR MIND"" by Michael Pollan. 
3. WATCH YOUR FOOD. 
Sure, binge on fast food for a while, or don't eat at all for a day or two. Then get back on track and plan meals with close friends so you HAVE to eat something normal, cooked well. If you re not eating at all, like I do when I feel like crap, after a while it will mess with your head as well.  
4. NO SUBSTANCES, ESPECIALLY POT. 
I am not a drinker anyway, when i am well i might smoke some pot a couple of times per week, which becomes DEADLY when i am not well. My mind will go down that spiral so fast on pot, i know i ll have a bad night. 
5. GET OUT. 
No TV, no couch. Plan something with close friends, tell them to invite you everywhere. You need to be out of home as much as possible, either hanging with loved ones, or working on something you like. 
6. MICRODOSING. 
This is a recent one for me, but it has worked wonders. In the past i ve been subscribed Prozac, Xanax, Remeron, etc. Nothing has worked as well as microdosing on psylocibin. It will give you energy, drive, it won't make you high, and you won't get intoxicated. Its as healthy, cheap and effective as it gets. I ordered a grow kit from HOLLAND and i grew the mushrooms myself, and i ve never taken another stupid, toxic pill since then . 
These tips help me, and i hope they ll help you. They work together, its not the same if you just do one of them, so don't just take shrooms and sit on your couch, you re gonna have a bad time. 
Again, i am not a doctor, i just consider myself experienced. 
Would love to hear your thoughts. 
Good luck to everyone.",not depression
dev_pid_3779,is it weird tht I need someone to talk to but i dont want their simpathy cause it only makes me feel worse : ,not depression
dev_pid_3780,"how can anyone lot be tired of living? : why isn't anyone else I know tired of living?
even when I'm feeling merely sad the idea lingers
being something, someone, takes a lot of effort each day
effort I am not able to put in
I just want to give up and hide
I just want to curl up and die
felt this way for so many years
the rest of my life like this is probably my greatest fear
ive given life enough chances to improve
and the pain doesn't just sting, it sears
no idea why this turned into bad poetry
im sorry
i hate every second of this garbage life. i hate this miserable, sterile, cold, unfeeling, uncaring world, this workaholic, vain culture we exist in, the mess we have gotten ourselves into in regards to climate, consumerism, mass hysteria, populism,
it never ends until it does",not depression
dev_pid_3781,"It never really goes away, does it? : ",not depression
dev_pid_3782,"Anyone here keeping yourself from suicide because of 'favourite films'? : [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncoc00z539A](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncoc00z539A)
I just watched this wrap-up trailer for 2020 upcoming films and I said to myself...
*""Bloody f-hell, these movies are too exciting, okay then just one more year in theatre...""*",not depression
dev_pid_3783,Do depressed people like sleeping then actually being awake? : I feel like my favorite thing is to sleep I hate this world and how it’s set up for me I truly have a better time when I’m  asleep. my life in  real world life sucks  it’s just filled with depression and loneliness and bills and no where to stay. But I got weed which makes being awake a lot more bearable,not depression
dev_pid_3784,"My mom doesn't like me and it is really contributing to my depression. : I think somewhere in there she loves me. But she doesn't like me. She doesn't want to talk to me or be my friend. She never reaches out to make plans. If I didn't initiate things we would never see each other. Her and my Dad live together, so when him and I make plans I will see her and go say hi and bye. I always feel like I'm interupting her T.V. program when I do. If I try to initiate plans with her in person and that usually works. A little walk or brunch or a movie. I text her though and she never replies. Even to just the simple I love you or miss you. 
I feel guilty complaining about this. 
She wanted a child so bad. They tried for years to have me. She had a miscarriage before me. I feel like a disapointment. Like I didn't turn out the way she wanted and so now she's changed her mind. I hate feeling like this.
Some women do not deserve children. I know that might sound harsh, but no one deserves to feel the way she makes me feel. She makes me feel like I ruined her dream. I know she is most likely depressed just like me, but fuck man. This shit just hurts. 
Today is her birthday, and I was feeling bad because I have to work all day and won't have time to see her, then I remembered that she doesn't try to see me or call or text on my birthday. So I guess I have nothing to feel nad about. I shot her a text. It will be ignored as usual.
I just wanted to get this out somewhere. I feel guilty complaining about this because I know her and my dad did their best to raise me. But I am not grateful to be here. I am terribly depressed and question my existence at every turn. I feel like I am just a product of regretful baby fever. They were too stupid to realize that I might not come out the way they wanted. My dad has accepted me. My mom cannot.
The only thing I have going for me right now is to try and live my best life out of spite, so maybe one day she will see how happy I am and want a peice. And I will be there, to give her the same shit energy she gives me now. 
☹🙁😔",not depression
dev_pid_3785,"Stagnancy. : Does anyone else feel like they're stagnant? Nothing is happening. It's the same shit every day. Work, sleep, eat, and play video games. That's all I do anymore. And it feels like I'm not in control of it. Like I'm watching my body do these things from the sidelines. The days blend into each other. Same shit every day. I can't stand it. I just need something to happen. I'm taking a week off work next month to go on a trip, so I'm hoping that it'll help with this issue. But I've lost all interest or motivation. Video games aren't even fun. My wife is upset with me because I ""never spend time with her on the weekends"". Well I don't want to. I love her beyond anything, but I don't even enjoy being around her anymore. I wish I could quit my job, sleep for a month, and just waste away in my bed. But I have to keep moving. Have to provide for my family. And I'm going to keep going through the motions on autopilot. Work this week. It'll feel like no time at all. Do chores this weekend. It'll feel even shorter. I can't stand this. Does anyone have any advice?",not depression
dev_pid_3786,"Need help moving on : Hi all-
I should probably start this by saying that I don't think I have depression or a mental illness or anything like that, but I've never been sadder and lately I just haven't felt like myself and I wasn't sure where else to turn to for advice. 
So there's this girl in my close friend group who I have feelings for but she has made it pretty clear that she doesn't have an ounce of interest, although she still wants to be friends (idek if we're still friends though). Our relationship has become really awkward and strained and I feel like every move I make is the wrong one and makes it even worse.
Lately she's been feeling down and it makes me miserable to see her miserable, and I feel helpless knowing all my efforts to make her feel a bit better haven't done much. Everytime I think about this though I'm reminded of how little I'm worth to her compared to how much I care about her, and it's become this cycle of sad thoughts every night. 
At the same time, I've been dealing with some personal stuff and the little things I once appreciated just aren't as nice anymore. I don't even enjoy the stuff I once enjoyed. Like I recently hung out with my friends but as time went on I kinda just wanted to go home more and more. They're all great people though and they've given me good advice on how to move on, but it's proving harder than I originally thought. When I get home now, tbh I just sleep because at least in my dreams I don't have to face reality. I feel broken and don't have much motivation to do anything. 
At first, I thought it was slowly getting better but I came to the realization that it isn't after I started feeling sad sometimes at school, even though before I only really felt sad late at night. It's almost like it just accumulates over time. 
I'd really appreciate any input on what I'm feeling rn. Anything helps. Also, thanks to whoever took the time to read the entire thing",not depression
dev_pid_3787,"I can't stop overthinking todays events : So I donated blood for the first time today a d I feel happy that I could help even just a little. .But , the whole situation around it even though a normal one has bit one I've been overthinking since this morning and I think without posting about it somewhere I won't feel ok. 
So I recently moved form a small balcanic country to Italy. Since september of 2019 to be precise. 
The attending doctor complimented my italian surprised I had been for such a short time only in italy  but as I said I'd been watching italian tv since I was a kid and it could be the reason the very handsome nurse guy commented that italian is a very wide spread language in X(my country) and the doctor laughed about it . 
Now here comes the fuck up which I never meant to say but I said and as many times I reply the scene I regret saying it. 
So basically the doctor asked if this was my very first time donating blood or my first time in italy. I explained that I'd never done a donation in X because I was scared . Now the doc was very curious and a bit surprised as to why and I said that hospitals there are not very sanitary and its kind of a common fear to not donate blood . 
In fact this is the idea my PARENTS have and I by no means think that way. I've always wanted to do a donation but my mom and dad forbid it saying it was dangerous and I could contract a decease if I went to a hospital to do so in X.
 But somehow I ended up saying what my parents think instead of my true beliefs and  I feel bad for putting my country down like that feeling like I am in italy to escape a scary place. I'm here because the economy on X is even worst than italy. Livin in X  is basically surviving .
Anyhow it sounded bad and the doc laughed it off. 
To top it all my veins were very small and the nurse barely could find a decent one , and he practically stood there besides me holding my arms so the pressure would be ok and the blood would flow. 
I turned yellow right before it ended since my blood pressure dropped and had to be fed sugar water by the other nurse and I  could not even understand her when she asked if I could do it my self so fml.
At the end the nurse guy continued to say that the blood was a little less than it should be , the bag was still Wrigley. And he told me that at the end it wouldn't draw blood anymore so he had to stop it there. 
Everyone got up but they told me to stay there and he ( the nurse ) told the other donor buy buy cuz YareJare has to stay with us a little more and everyone was a bit worried if I was ok.
The who thing made me feel kind of bad. Like I couldn't even do a simple thing like that and on top of it my mom made fun of me saying I'm not  someone who can give blood so I shouldn't do this a second it. 
To be honest my parents always tell me I'm naive and stupid for wanting to things like volunteer work or blood donation and that Ill never be mature enough to understand. 
I feel like even today I disappointed them and my self . 
My dad though didn't sound so annoyed as he was when I insisted on donating blood (which is a 5 minute walk from my place so it doesn't even cost me time or anything) 
So in conclusion I feel like I had the most awkward encounter doing what my parents belittle me for.
Tl,dr: Trash talked about my countrie's hospitals while being overall the weakest blood donor of the day.
Also parents don't even support what I do",not depression
dev_pid_3788,"Talking : I just dont feel like talking anymore, everytime I think about it I just get chills for some reason, I dont really want to stop talking, but I feel like talking isnt worth it anymore, is it anybody out there who thinks/feel the same?",not depression
dev_pid_3789,Screw God for making me grow a beard : I don’t want a beard. Fuck you. I was already constantly thinking of suicide and then you give me thoughts of needing to grow a beard? I think it’s God that needs to kill himself.,not depression
dev_pid_3790,"Tips for minimal effort hygiene, house cleanliness, etc.? : I already use paper plates, deodorant wipes, things like that.  Wondering if anyone has any other tips to make these things easier.  I still struggle and can’t afford a house cleaner.",not depression
dev_pid_3791,Help me out : So what do you do when You both are in love and you're her only person and you love her too much but you aren't peaceful being with her.,not depression
dev_pid_3792,I asked my crush out and she just completely changed the conversation without answering : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3793,Effexor for dysthymia : How effective is this drug for dysthymic?,not depression
dev_pid_3794,"I wish I wanted to live, but I don't. : Life would have been easier if I just didn't want to live anymore. Like no ""but..."", nothing, just I don't want to anymore so I'm done and then I'm gone. But the thing, I want to have that feeling of wanting to live. That's what I'm chasing for right now. My depression is in stages, like this. If that makes sense.  
1: You live and want to continue living, normally you fear death  
2: You want something to live for, you want more than just surviving   
3: You want to live  
4: You don't want to live anymore, hope is gone.   
5: You are dead  
I'm at stage 4. Wishing I was on 3. But I just can't get that feeling of wanting to want to live. I'm more on the side of wanting all hope gone so I can get the strength to set myself free from this fucked up world and life. I'm not even sad anymore, just numb and angry.",not depression
dev_pid_3795,fuck you depression : you know recently i've just been fucking pissed at everyone and everything. like what the fuck did we do to deserve this shit? like honestly depression fuck you. fuck you for making me not feel better and reach my full potential and fuck you for making me feel like i need you because i don't. i don't deserve this and no one fucking does. so i'll beat you one day,not depression
dev_pid_3796,I really wish I was pretty : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3797,"I hate myself so much : The bad in me outweighs the good. What's the point of trying? I can't imagine living 70 more years like this, with a self-destructive brain and zero motivation to change. At this point all the meds do is stop me from killing myself.",not depression
dev_pid_3798,Who else feels like a deviation of society ? : But somehow in a positive way yet still lonely,not depression
dev_pid_3799,"I wrote this to get things off my chest. Now I have to find the strength to actually tell them... : I'm home home alone, wishing you were by my side.
But you're out with him, wishing it was me, so I'm left confused with my head in hands. 
I don't know what's going on, but this path I'm following can't go on.
It's pain, it's pleasure. It's guilt, it's bliss. Are you someone I have, or someone I should miss? 
You say you miss me, and want to be by me, yet I'm left alone, and depression consumes me.
For a moment I feel like I have you, only for you to say ""I'm sorry, I just can't yet""
I know you don't know when, I know you're also confused. I can't hate you, I can't blame you. I gave you away, and that's on me. 
I can't find a clue in what we are becoming, and can't grasp the fact I might have to live without you.
I know I'm being greedy, and its hurting us both, but I'm not ready to give up our possibility.
I'll take this pain, for a little while longer, but idk how much I can keep on without going bonkers.
I drive myself to insane with these thoughts and Hope's. I feel like I'm waiting my turn in a game of jump rope.",not depression
dev_pid_3800,"I feel like i do not want to exist any more : I have friends, sure,but they are the only comfort i ever receive honestly,i dont think anyone*really* cares about me",not depression
dev_pid_3801,I don’t feel like anyone is on my side. : ,not depression
dev_pid_3802,TIRED : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3803,"I did some self reflecting and reminded myself of all the things I’ve learned, Unlearned, and am proud of myself for. Even if in everyday life I overlook these qualities in myself, they are still good ! We put so much pressure on ourselves and overthink so much we forget about who we really are.. : After having somewhat of a breakdown, being very anxious, I got deep in thought about how I am not the things that happened to me but that I have learned so much I don’t give myself the credit for. Sometimes we get and are stuck in a depressive state because we gave no confidence in ourselves....and we paint a picture of ourselves as our problems or the unfortunate events we’ve experienced. 
I decided to write a letter to myself about what I am proud of, what I’ve learned from my mistakes what good qualities Ive kept despite going through hell and what I hope to discover about myself in the future. 
It’s really helped me have a more confident, calmer, gentler way of seeing myself. I am only human, it’s ok to not be okay but it’s not okay to think you are garbage because of the stuff that’s happened.",not depression
dev_pid_3804,I'm actually in physical discomfort. : I don't know how long I can go on guys...,not depression
dev_pid_3805,cross-post from r\bipolar - scale of suicidal thoughts :  [https://i.redd.it/pphm4v6n19l41.jpg](https://i.redd.it/pphm4v6n19l41.jpg),not depression
dev_pid_3806,"Has anyone made self improvements and it significantly helped? : I'm planning on trying to eat better and work out and lose some weight (I need to lose about 50-60 pounds to be ""normal"" weight range). I'm starting therapy back up in a few days. I'm looking for a new job since I hate my current one. 
I also plan on getting on an antidepressant and possibly increasing the dose on my mood stabilizer I'm on. 
Has anyone made any of the above and/or other lifestyle changes that significantly helped your depression?",not depression
dev_pid_3807,"I need someone to talk to, I have no one to talk to : I would appreciate it so much if just one person could talk to me and help me maybe.",not depression
dev_pid_3808,Can't get up : It's 12.30 can't give up don't really have anything to look forward to today and don't know how to start.,not depression
dev_pid_3809,"Does anyone else remember the times before their depression? I miss my old self, I miss feeling joy. : ",not depression
dev_pid_3810,Water / food : How long till you die without both of them,not depression
dev_pid_3811,"Forcing a workout : Exercising regularly usually is a big help for my depression and anxiety. I’ve also been trying to lose weight recently so have been working harder to fit it into my schedule and taking advantage of weekends for longer workouts. I had a really tough Friday afternoon yesterday and ended up taking some klonopin and falling asleep early and sleeping in. 
Today I have a bit of post-benzo grogginess and am feeling really unmotivated to do anything. 
Does anyone else force themselves to work out when they’re feeling really bad? I don’t know if it’s worth it and will make me feel better or if I should just let myself have the day on my couch.",not depression
dev_pid_3812,"Aim, even badly. Shoot for the stars and if you dont get the one you want, at least it's a star, at least it's in the sky. : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3813,"I don’t deserve to have ____________. : Does anyone get caught in the cycle of, “I don’t deserve __________?” For example, I don’t deserve food. I don’t deserve friends. I don’t deserve happiness? 
I’ve been caught in this cycle for awhile. Lately, it’s been food. I have been caught up in stupid thoughts like, “Only happy people deserve food,” “Only people that have _______ qualities deserve food.” 
Does anyone else think this way?",not depression
dev_pid_3814,Has anyone else had tachycardia with Wellbutrin? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3815,If you need someone to talk to : If you just wanna chat hit me up on snap @ brendanbruce42.. we don’t have to talk about depression or life problems if you don’t want to. I’m down for anything :),not depression
dev_pid_3816,"I got into therapy. : None of you know me, because I'm a filthy lurker and almost never post, but I really wanted to share this with someone. I have no idea how, but I somehow jumped the waitlist for my school's therapist. I have a weekly appointment now, totally covered by the school, and the timing couldn't be better for my schedule. I tried everything else to help myself, keeping a journal, doing my hobbies, eating healthy, but none of it worked. It feels like maybe the universe saw that and decided to cut me a break. Things are finally looking up.",not depression
dev_pid_3817,"Is it better to live life miserably, or to just let everything go and die? : ",not depression
dev_pid_3818,Help me : Tell me some music or anything that can help me drown my thinking. I'm so tired of thinking. I want it to stop.,not depression
dev_pid_3819,"Everyone: “You’re missing a beautiful, sunny day! You should be out of bed.” : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3820,"I am fucking sick of phone vibrations : They always make me grab the phone — only to see the battery low notification or if the day is good, an SMS from my network operator.
What the fuck?
It's been months when someone initiated a real conversation just because they wanted to talk to me.",not depression
dev_pid_3821,Self-Image : I wish sometimes that I wasn’t seen as who I am to people. I despise my self image and have done things to improve it. I guess this is just a venting post. I am terribly depressed so looking in the mirror and seeing how unacceptable you are doesn’t help. I hate associating my sexuality/desirability with something to ashamed of but I do. I will never be comfortable with my looks or sexuality. I need to escape this all.,not depression
dev_pid_3822,I'm falling too deep and it's getting too dark. What do you guys do to attempt to shake it off? : ,not depression
dev_pid_3823,"This is more than a little frustrating... : Not a redpill dickhead, but I’m getting tired of confidence being a prerequisite for guys to be attractive. Like for girls, it’s still a plus, but not required. Anyways, just got rejected for being such a sad sack, and I’m back on that Downward Spiral ™",not depression
dev_pid_3824,"Best practices for working with depression : My boss recently found out I have depression, and asked for some 'best practices' for how we can manage the employee-employer relationship. 
It's a web-based, small company, and I work remotely. 
I can't really think of anything, other than just taking sick days when I feel I'm not able to function, but I wanted to see if anybody in this sub had ideas.
Thanks!",not depression
dev_pid_3825,"I don't know what I'm doing anymore... : I didn't know where to post this so I guess we will try here. I recently broke up with my ex a bit over a month ago, and he affected my mental health a lot and I'm currently in a state where I can't stand anyone touching me or getting to close to my person. (Why this is, is a long story) But anyway I recently started started talking to a bunch of people on snapchat, bit of flirting, just chatting and sometimes a bit more. I kinda feel like a piece of shit about it, and this probably isn't good for me because it's not who I am at all, but I have no idea what I'm doing or really why.",not depression
dev_pid_3826,"I’m a cold depressed mess : ( : I don’t even feel hungry anymore, reneging just hurts and I’m so sick of it to be honest! I just wish the pain could go away for once, I’d love that!",not depression
dev_pid_3827,Does anyone else feel guilty when they get bouts of happiness and energy ? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3828,Inspirational story : Test,not depression
dev_pid_3829,"And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge Staring down into a heartless sea Done with life on a razor's edge Nothings what you thought it would be : This is my first time posting anything and have been a lurker for most of my time on reddit, but idk today just hit me like a freight train. Minor incident today made me realize what’s been staring at me since childhood. Been ages since I’ve felt any type of optimism, or anything really. For the most part I’ve been feigning to please others. Sorry if I’m rambling on, but just been listening to Rush and it’s helping me feel like I’m not alone, along with all you guys. I guess I just wanna say thanks for making me less alone.",not depression
dev_pid_3830,You what's funny? : When you're feeling so good about yourself and that little voice is cheering you on but then you get sad and it turns against you.,not depression
dev_pid_3831,"Crying : Is it just me, but I can wake up saying it's going to be a good day then couple or several hours I'm hiding at work in the bathroom crying my eyes. Sometimes I just wish one day I don't wake up, but that would be selfish of me when I have two beautiful healthy children 😭😞",not depression
dev_pid_3832,"Had a Good Day and Here is How : I got up early and did the Parkrun, which is a 5km timed run. There may be one near you. If you're up for running or just jogging it, there are people of all abilities and I mean ALL abilities. Some people can only walk it. It's all GOOD.
Secondly, I got out and started tidying my garden up. Well, actually I'm landscaping it from scratch.
If you have any outside space, I really recommend getting out there and gardening.
I know it's not easy but it made a big difference to me.",not depression
dev_pid_3833,Fuck : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3834,"Too depressed to study : I've been trying really hard to sit and study but I just can't seem to do it. This isn't just exam stress and procrastination - I am either too tired because I didn't sleep enough, or I just can't sit and focus. I've been battling depression so bad I've had to be medicated the whole time I was in law school. It's my finals in May. If I start now, I can pass. But no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to do it.
I need to pass these exams. I need to do it so I can get a job, move out and finally be free of my toxic family. Right now I feel like even if I did that, I'd still be depressed, but I guess I'd have a chance if I did.
I'm going for therapy, I'm trying to eat healthy and meditate and do the things that might help me. But nothing seems to be working. The pressure is killing me. I know that if not for exams, I'd be sort of OK. I'm barely in a mental state where I can study though.",not depression
dev_pid_3835,"New Reddit user : Hi! 
I made a Reddit with the sole purpose of posting what I feel without feeling like people who actually know me IRL will judge me. I feel like I have no one I trust enough to tell them how depressed i am how often i think about suicide. My major issue is I basically hate myself. I feel so ugly and unattractive and it’s hard to deal with when everyone around you is attractive. When people say I’m pretty I know they are lying. It’s just to be nice. I’ve been bullied for as long as I remember to just random people being mean to me under a pic online (I’m 25 also). I need therapy. But I can’t make the jump. Just wanted to share without judgement",not depression
dev_pid_3836,today's one of those days where its just hard to breathe : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3837,can't wait to move out : so I can get wasted every single fucking night and just be my miserable self 24/7 without the judgment,not depression
dev_pid_3838,Y’all better watch out : When I finally find my will to live I’m gonna be fuckin ripped lmao,not depression
dev_pid_3839,"Talk to me please, I don’t have friends ( : My boyfriend  with his friends are going to rented flat to drink. He was promising that there won’t be girls and so on... He was wondering if I’m upset, I said that yes, but do what you want. He went. And I can’t stop crying now, I think it’s not normal thing to do.",not depression
dev_pid_3840,"The same things that I am thankful for, I can be depressed about the very next day. : I am currently wallowing in my own self pity about things that I KNOW are not the end of the world. But I am unable to convince my subconscious of this. Yesterday, and honestly a lot of the days prior because I need to remind myself how blessed I am or this will happen faster, I was raving about how great my current situation is. I was viewing things from the perspective of how great things are and how much I have to look forward to. But instantaneously those feelings flipped on me today. I only have some semblance of an idea of what triggered this. I was listening to a podcast and they were discussing things they would like to do this summer.  I guess I couldn't handle the idea of somebody doing something I would miss out on, and I began to feel I had no way of keeping up. I want things to come to me effortlessly. I don't take into account that these people are at an entirely different stage of life than I am either. When a depressive mood sets in for me, I am unable to comprehend time. I no longer have the ability to understand that I can do so many things in my life because I'm only 23 and I have so much time to accomplish all of these things. But I guess the ""I am only__ years old thing"" is starting to wear on me. I have only been getting older when saying it without much to show for it. (Of course this isn't true, it's just the way I inexplicably feel). So when I start to think about the fact that I want to travel, or I want to make more friends, have more dates, whatever the case I begin to feel sad. I tell myself all the things that are holding me back from doing so. In my mind, I hate everyone and this is why I can't do this, I have dogs so I can't travel or really leave the house much, and finally it's because I am broke. Aside from me hating everyone, which is a deeper darker thing, the other two things just aren't true. So I really have no idea why I believe them. From this point, I began to nitpick every little thing about my life. Everything that I don't yet have that I feel for whatever reason I deserve. Everything that I have gone through that I feel is a negative is now amplified by 100 in my head. It began to eat away at me. I would like to have the opportunity to travel, I would like to have the opportunity to put myself first, I would like the opportunity to live a full life. This leads me down the rabbit hole of finding an issue with every single thing that exists in my life. Suddenly I wish the dogs weren't ""such a burden on me that I could travel"" though I know this isn't true and there are dozens of ways I could travel despite being a dog owner. I also love them more than anything in the world and I absolutely hate when I use them as a crutch to something that I don't do. I start to be unable to control my emotions and lash out verbally at them and anyone else around me. Which is a trait I gained from my dad and I absolutely hate. I usually am able to recognize it and today I was, and it's usually reminds me that I need to write it out and try to overcome. But when I try to write it out, I find myself getting stuck. I start to feel like I am being disengenuous with myself, and then I get confused about the way I truly feel about things.  
literally all of the things that I am depressed about, I was finding reasons to be grateful for just days prior. But, Suddenly my current living situation isn't enough, and I need to go shop for furniture and decoration and then my funds aren't enough and I need to be responsible and I'm such a piece of shit for being so materialistic. Then my body isn't good enough and all the work I'm putting in, in the gym is for nothing and I'm wasting my time. Then I'm just lonely and I need people around me but ""the universe isn't putting the right people in my life"". The hardest part is knowing that all of this is nonsense and on my good days I can poke holes in all of it. Unfortunately this isn't one of those days and all of those things seem valid to me even as I type.  
Anyway, sorry if I couldn't condense it in a way that made a lot of sense. I really want to be vulnerable and share on here, because I know so many people go through similar things. I really hope that people can relate and feel better. If you read, I hope this resonates with you in a positive way, thank you all for letting me share with everyone today.",not depression
dev_pid_3841,I just realized part of why my seasonal depression is so bad is because we do this bullshit in the fall where we turn off DST so the sun sets an hour fucking earlier : i don't care about farmers i don't want the sun setting at five fucking thirty pm,not depression
dev_pid_3842,"Im destroyed : My girlfriend just said she's had thoughts of breaking up with me. I don't knkw. I want to end everything, I know I'm overreacting but I feel that I can't be happy anymore. I love her so much, we talked about spending the rest of our lives together. I am so sad help",not depression
dev_pid_3843,I want a pet : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3844,"A Ray of Sun : I went outside on a cold Spring day, and was greeted by a single ray of sun. 
As I walked towards it, it kissed my face and the warmth made everything feel okay...
Until the clouds of grey resumed their march, and suddenly everything felt, once again, dark.",not depression
dev_pid_3845,Writing : I’m writing about my experience with depression and idk what I’m gonna do with it when I’m done. i kinda want to anonymously post it somewhere but Idk where or if i will have the balls to,not depression
dev_pid_3846,"Trying to help other people but can't : I'm ""happy and bubbly"" so I must know how to make others feel better, is the reasoning they all come to me for help, I'm assuming. Recently it hasn't been like that. I've been stressed on top of stressed by so many different things from different parts of my life, but people keep coming. And they share with me all their sad stories and situations. The worst part is that I empathize with them and understand why they want to do certain (potentially harmful) things, more than I pity them enough to give helpful advice.
It disheartens me so much to think that there's nothing for a person with the situation I'm described of to do. I hate it I don't want to think that way at all, especially at the expense of another person when they're coming to me expecting some life-changing advice. Maybe I used to be able to help other people and bring smiles back. But now I feel like as a person who rarely smiles anymore I can only do more harm than good if I let people talk to me.",not depression
dev_pid_3847,I feel like I don't have anything to be that sad about. The problem is I have nothing to smile about. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3848,I really hate hearing myself talking : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3849,"I’ve lost so many of my close friends : The last couple years there’s been so many people I’ve become close with, but they all just end up fading away soon. Sometimes it’s been my fault, sometimes someone elses. It gets so fucking annoying and lonely when so many people come in to your life and just leave soon after. I wish I could keep some of my friends.",not depression
dev_pid_3850,"Come watch, relax and chat! Don't suffer with anxiety or depression alone! : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3851,"Coronavirus : Strap in, it’s gonna be a crazy ride",not depression
dev_pid_3852,Fight : Brotherhood friendship are fake,not depression
dev_pid_3853,Its only getting worse & worse.Any new obstacle is extremely overwhelming and gives further excruciating pain.just want it all to stop : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3854,"ok, what the actual hell? : why am i happy? i am going through so much shit right now but my mind has just said no. its like im a completely different person. nothing even happened to trigger it, im just happy. im trying to preserve it while i can and i hope it lasts so not complaining but, what the hell happened to me?",not depression
dev_pid_3855,"I cry almost every day, People are disgusting : I can no longer evaluate people's attitudes and behavior towards me.  everyone seems to hate me. everyone is doing something just to make me sad.  Although I try to treat people as lovingly and respectfully as I can, they try to make me sad.  For example, my friends, my crush and others.  I don't know how long my heart will last.",not depression
dev_pid_3856,Office View : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3857,"How to Keep a Job : Does anyone here know how to keep a job? I keep finding places to work I love, but I always feel so hollow, like I'm a failure for choosing cooking as a career path, and I don't know if I can keep living like this, I just wish I could have money to not work, because I always feel terrible anxiety about working at any job, I miss being happy at a workplace and I want to just die to stop the pain and self-hate.",not depression
dev_pid_3858,"No friends? : Did anyone have some nice friends only to lose them cause you never bothered to hang out with them since you were too depressed/anxious/tired etc?
Its rather frustrating and lonely not having anyone to talk to. Feels impossible to find a good friend at this point. I guess it is my fault though.",not depression
dev_pid_3859,Anyone's experience with meds? : Anyone in here medicated? I'm discussing possible medication with my counselor but I've heard alot of varying things about symptoms and side effects but nothing from actual people. I'd feel a little more comfortable with hearing actual people's testimonials instead of just an article online. Thanks in advance 😊,not depression
dev_pid_3860,"Am I always going to feel this way? Is this how my life’s gonna be? I don’t want an honest answer : I have an amazing boyfriend who I love so much and who loves me just the same. Everything in my life may not be perfect but they’re a lot better than they were before. But even when im supposed to be having fun, I still have that sinking feeling in my chest. That painful sadness. Is it always gonna be like this?",not depression
dev_pid_3861,"How can I make it look like an accident? : with all the technology these days, I assume it may be difficult to make it look like an accident?
any idea what I can do?",not depression
dev_pid_3862,Is anyone else scared to have kids because you feel like they will have the same issues you did/do? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3863,"Coronavirus : I can't be the only person who has thought getting this virus is a way to die without committing suicide.. god depression and suicidal idilations are a pain some days. Upon hearing about deaths my brain ""Hey there's one way"" no I'm not going to do it or an in danger I'm just commenting on some of the thoughts these illnesses will give me",not depression
dev_pid_3864,"I hate that I'm alone. I hate that I never had a girlfriend and how all women think I'm unattractive. : 26M Never a girlfriend or kissed still a virgin never a date I'm fat (260+lbs) ugly short(5'5) and poor(less than20000) No women (20sF) like me. 
I hate that no women (it's proven none do) think I'm attractive and wants to date me. 
FuckMyLife.",not depression
dev_pid_3865,"Extreme boredom leading to anger : Some days but mostly nights I feel so incredibly bored watching tv, usually the same shows I've seen, just getting angry and ranting to myself, grinding my teeth and sometimes slapping myself. This is even worse on sundays before work the next morning, because I cant even tell myself to sleep it off because I get angry I have work the next day and then a full week of work again. Its saturday afternoon and it's starting to come on now. It's almost like a drug but instead of a high it's a low. 
So yeah just a rant I guess!",not depression
dev_pid_3866,"I’m scared that if I have children I’ll pass on my depression : I day dream a lot, and a lot of the time I think about how my ideal future would be spent raising children. I love kids, and want to have them someday. But I’m worried that, since genetics has been shown to be a factor in depression, that if I have kids they’ll have to go through what I’m going through right now. I’ve seen how the worry and stress affects my parents and I’m worried that I’ll feel the same way: scared for my child, worrying when they don’t come home on time, afraid that I’ll have to attend their funeral. Most of all, I’m worried about them though. I know what depression does and what it feels like and it breaks my heart to think that my baby girl or boy will have to live that life. It honestly twists my stomach in knots and makes my eyes tear up just thinking about it and it’s starting to make me question whether I should have children, just putting them through that. I’m just scared.",not depression
dev_pid_3867,"Thought I'd be happy once I found my SO, when that didn't work I thought I'd shift my focus onto a fulfilling career : Well after 5 years of college/career I feel no better than when I started, if anything I'm now silently panicking because I don't know what to do anymore.",not depression
dev_pid_3868,Why noone loves me : My friend just leav me hes the third why am i forever unloved?,not depression
dev_pid_3869,"Sometimes I wonder that maybe not being being depressed about the reality of this shitty world is wrong. : 
It’s like it’s clear for a thinking ,empathetic individual that pretty much everything about this so-called reality is wrong .And most people prevent themselves from thinking about this on purpose.They distract themselves with “love”,family,friends ,some kind of purpose,but in the end it all comes down to the fact that pretty much everything is pointless and doesn’t really make any sense .
And in order to be a successful ,fully functioning individual in this society ,it is necessary that you suppress these negative emotions and stop thinking .They just want you to become a robot who does what he is told ,reproduces and doesn’t cause any kind of trouble.
It seems to me that depressed people just can’t help not being ok with the reality of this world .That’s why the society doesn’t want them .They think too much.They understand too much.They care too much .They can’t help not asking questions .They can’t be robots .",not depression
dev_pid_3870,"Yeah everyone calls me a mentally ill psycho, I’m better off dead : People just hate me and I make everything worse. I’m better off dead",not depression
dev_pid_3871,"Feels like I’m being spied on? : The past couple of weeks I’ve had this growing feeling I’m being spied on...everywhere. It’s becoming hard for me to even take a shower. I thought I’ve been doing better this month, being happy etc, but it seems like my depression is just giving into this antsy, nervous feeling instead. Is this a common symptom of depression? Does anyone else deal with this?",not depression
dev_pid_3872,I wish I could sleep for a few months : I wish I could be asleep for a few months because everything is pure shit right now,not depression
dev_pid_3873,"It was my birthday today and I couldn't care less : I know I sound lame and pathetic, but I lost all my positive feelings and I don't care about anything anymore. Today was just another day to me. Not only I don't care about my birthday, but I also feel stupid about celebrating it. I didn't want to sound miserable, I just wanted to vent.",not depression
dev_pid_3874,"It's my birthday and I don't care at all : I know I sound lame and pathetic, but I lost all my positive feelings and I don't care about anything anymore. Today was just another day to me. Not only I don't care about my birthday, but I also feel stupid about celebrating it. I didn't want to sound miserable, I just wanted to vent.",not depression
dev_pid_3875,"Major Depressive Disorder, Alcohol Abuse, and How to Cope (my story and tips) : (I'm using this as a personal writing exercise so no need to read if you don't have the time)
The worst advice someone with major depressive disorder could get would be... Don't talk to anyone about it. Once I did eventually find a therapist we shined a light on things. We realized there was a point where I stopped drinking to have fun and started drinking to cope- and that fucking blew my mind. My therapist was right- at some point in college I drank so I could temporarily say goodbye to my problems and the origins of that stem from high school (i'm guessing) It wasn't until a breakup and a couple suicide attempts that led me to get diagnosed. I wouldn't get out of bed because what's the god damn point?
Those are my tips for taking on major depressive disorder. If you have any comments or questions do not hesitate. And again I wrote this for myself so sorry if it's a little scrambled. I hope everyone can find light in the darkness.",not depression
dev_pid_3876,"Broken : I just want to sit and cry. 
But I know once I have the time where that is possible the urge to will be gone. But the need always remains.
A funny little thing like breaking my phone screen by accident today has just tipped me over. Changing jobs, starting uni (3rd attempt) and all the other crap that seems like a constant. Can't take a break to process, work for next 10 hours.
Never find a break it feels. Except my phone I guess ha. Need to find a laugh.",not depression
dev_pid_3877,Why was I cursed. : ,not depression
dev_pid_3878,"FUCK LIFE : # I JUST WANT TO SAY FUCK LIFE, THAT'S IT.",not depression
dev_pid_3879,"I wish I was dead : My dog, my only friend died and I had her for almost 19 years. She was the only reason I had for not killing myself but *shock* I can’t do it even though she is gone. I wish I had died instead of her. She was the best thing to ever happen to me.",not depression
dev_pid_3880,"Is this depression judging by someone who has it? How do I get over it if it isn't? : I'm 16 (and slighty autistic if it matters in some way) and currently not sure if I'm in a depression or just in some phase. I literally have no motivation for anything, except for meeting with my friends because it can be quite fun (and they're literally the only friends I have, I wouldn't know what to do without them). I also feel constantly stressed even though I really have a lot of time for myself and I also have the feeling of constant discomfort no matter if I'm chilling with my friends or just sit at home listening to music. I really only think about negative things, the only good things I sometimes think about are daydreams or my childhood, and have constant fears about what is going to happen tomorrow.",not depression
dev_pid_3881,"I'm a mess : Why did I drink by myself if I could be at a party now? I'm young I should be living my best life now but I don't see any meaning in everything and I'm fucking my life up in so many ways. I never wanted to be like this, but depression really turned me into an awful person.",not depression
dev_pid_3882,"My mom left : My mom left about two years ago. Its hitting me really hard Today and, I really need some support please help me.",not depression
dev_pid_3883,"Reverse SAD? : I know SAD is associated with winter months and shorter days but does anyone ever feel the reverse for brighter, longer days in spring/summer?
With the bright sun out I feel more isolated and vulnerable. The sun just reminds me of my youth and when I was more “content.” It’s not that the memories themselves are painful but they’re just a sharp contrast to my current situation and how I’m pining to return back to happier times.",not depression
dev_pid_3884,I’ve become numb : I got sick of being sad and crying myself to sleep every night and now I feel emotionally numb. I don’t even try and talk about how I feel only as a joke. I feel nothing anymore now tho. When I should feel happy my smiles and laughs are fake I’ve been able to go outside but only to do dumb shit. I just want to feel something. All I do all day is try distract myself from my thought watching movies or listening to music i hate it.,not depression
dev_pid_3885,Why do I feel like this? : I feel weird. I feel the strong desire to just end my life. I feel annoyed about myself for not losing weight and seeing it going up slowly even though I do not eat as much as I do. I even sometimes fast for near 22 hours some days. Right now my mind is telling me to feel no fear thinking about that unknown. At the same time I strongly feel excited at the idea of the future with my boyfriend who makes me feel good about myself whenever I think about him. I’m confused. I don’t know whether this is a good sign or not. What’s wrong with me?,not depression
dev_pid_3886,Im so alone : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3887,Looking for a buddy : I am a 22 yr old female and am wondering if anyone is down to buddy up and encourage each other? I feel like relying on close friends/ family makes me a burden and buddying up with someone who understands and encourages each other could prove to be somewhat helpful.,not depression
dev_pid_3888,"But also : At the same time screw it, maybe it's time to let her live a better life without dealing with me?
Why bother with me when so many people are better.
In this pain I feel maybe I should just run away, I'm currently to weak to bring the table to balance. 
I should just let her become free of me, maybe I'm what's holding her back.
I'm nothing without her, but I'd rather, her to have someone, with something rather than nothing with me.
FML",not depression
dev_pid_3889,"I thought things were looking up : I had met someone, someone who really liked me for who I was, say something that was good in me, for the first time in a decade.
But I fucked it up of course I did, I knew it was too good to be true.
I got so depressed I canceled on her twice then today I made plans to see her. but my dumb ass was so depressed I just slept through the date. It’s been 5 hours since I apologized and she hasn’t written back, said I could come by and see her, but no response. It’s over already. I’m so tired of myself, so tired of self sabotage myself. I fucking hate myself rn. Things are over already, there’s no point in pursuing this anymore. She’s done with me and she should be, I’m not worth the time at all. And my actions this week have proven it. I just don’t care anymore.",not depression
dev_pid_3890,This world feels like it was constructed specifically to torture me. : I've endured 23 years. Wonder how much longer I can last.,not depression
dev_pid_3891,"Support group : Hi everyone, I’ve just joined this subreddit, is there any support group on WhatsApp or something? If not I’d be glad to make one.",not depression
dev_pid_3892,"The root of my depression is envy : Envy eats my soul every single day , it's debilitating. It's humiliating to admit too. From old friends who found success and happiness to virtuous Youtubers who I've come to see as my ""friends"", to random couples holding hands at the park. It's disgusting how my I envy. It has to be the ultimate emotional weakness. It's one of the seven deadly sins. All biblical matter aside it's mostly a gnawing sucking frosty black hole that lives in the center of my chest. It honestly rules my life and all my decision making. Is there a practical way to rid yourself of it?",not depression
dev_pid_3893,"My brain is rotten : It's infested with diseases and terrible thoughts. 
I haven't had a minute of peace for 20 years, I cannot handle it anymore
Please god I'm begging you to kill me",not depression
dev_pid_3894,Does anyone’s house make them depressed? : ,not depression
dev_pid_3895,"What is the meaning of life when a person (i.e me) is not happy , when he is tired of finding a reason to live , when every night he wishes to never see the next day , when he has only sucidal thoughts , how to live with such a mess? : ",not depression
dev_pid_3896,I cried because I feel so alone : ,not depression
dev_pid_3897,"suddenly mad and depressed : I've actually got better this month (started skateboarding and going out), a friend was really sad and tried everything to make her speak to me but she just shrugged me off, and i dunno how but it made me think about everything all over again and now I'm mad at something that might not even exist. Sorry, i just wanted to vent",not depression
dev_pid_3898,"I have noticed that I have had a hard time remembering things, and have gained 30 pounds in the past month. Could I be suffering from depression? : ",not depression
dev_pid_3899,I haven’t got a compliment in a year : Can I have a compliment?,not depression
dev_pid_3900,"Coronavirus : Is anyone else depressed about the coronavirus? I had a big trip planned to Europe with my best friends, and now we cannot go anymore :/ It's the first trip I have had planned in 3 years and it's been one of the only things I've looked forward to.",not depression
dev_pid_3901,"I feel extremely depressed when my parents leave the house : I'm a teen girl. I used to be so excited whenever my parents went away, because every so often they would leave for a few days at a time and I'd have the house basically to myself. My sister lives with me, but she wakes up very late and comes home at dawn every day so I'm basically alone. I am extremely introverted, always have been. The thing I used to love more than anything else was being alone with my door shut tight so I could watch YouTube, read, crochet and play computer games all day. And I'd get pumped for staying up as late as I wanted, because it takes an extremely long time for me to fall asleep and I like being able to disregard time and do things when I feel like it.
Whenever my parents go, they never say a word to me and I find out later. I used to see it as a pleasant surprise. But now, when I see that they're far away (my sister set up a Life 360 for them so I can see their locations), I feel so incredibly lonely. I can't function when I'm alone and there's no pressure on me. My daily life is high-pressure because my school is competitive and I go to an academy where I do research/outside work. When I'm finally left alone and no one's pushing me, I automatically withdraw and avoid all of the responsibilities I'm used to. I just drift through the day, feeling empty, barely eating and distracting myself from everything. I get so detached. I forget about everyone else and stay in my room for days on end until they return, and then have to readjust to being a part of society. And the worst part is, when I do nothing with my time, I feel the guilt gnawing at me incessantly but I can't get the motivation to move. Even typing this is hard. And fuck it, what's the point of even writing all of this on a forum when nothing that you can say will ever fix how I feel or genuinely change me? 
When my parents leave, I suddenly feel how alone I truly am in the world. My mom died when I was 9 years old, and I remember vividly the moment when I saw her in the coffin. That's when it kicked in, that she was dead, that someone I loved was gone forever and the world would just keep on spinning. My parents (I have a really loving step mom) are really old to have a kid who's still a teen. My dad is 62 and my mom is 57. Both of them have had shitty lives and chronic stress. Whenever I look at them, I see the image of them in coffins, exactly as realistically as the memory of my birth mom. It's scary how real it is, and I know that every second that passes I'm running out of time to spend with them. I've cried so much about it and get anxiety every time I see their faces. It's selfish for me to want them to stay alive when it's their time to go. I know both of them would welcome death, because life has always been really awful. 
As a teen, it's uncommon to admit this, but my parents are like an anchor for me in the real world. I have anxiety which sometimes distorts my perception and makes me feel like no one gives a shit about me. My family often feels like the only safe haven for me, the only space where I matter and I don't just disappear. And it hurts how much they love me, unconditionally, and I feel guilty for being as inadequate of a person as I am. When I think about my parents' deaths, I think ""there go the only people who will ever love me."" 
Being alone reminds me of the real world, in which everything hurts and it feels like there is really no solution. And I know how pathetic I sound right now, trust me, but the truth is that I'm really immature inside and I still feel so lost and insecure in the world. Sometimes I wish I could grow the fuck up.",not depression
dev_pid_3902,"How to tone down the defense mechanism : So I’ve realized due to my anxiety and depression, and maybe slightly due to some toxic shit in my last relationship, I have a lot of defense mechanisms when interacting with people and the biggest one is constantly being on guard and keeping up a “mean” front. 
I know I’m not a mean person, there are a lot of people I like at my work for instance, I love making others feel good and if I can go above and beyond for someone I care about I will. I know I’m a nice person but for some reason I feel like I’m always pushing myself away from everyone and my joking behavior comes out as mean and people think I’m being too dramatic or too serious. I don’t want anyone to think I’m rude but sometimes that’s the tone that comes out first and it’s hard to control.",not depression
dev_pid_3903,"I dont know what Im doing with my life : I thought I was going into a career that I loved but seeing my peers surpass me in almost every facet of the industry has crushed me. Now Im questioning my skills, my future, and Im worried for myself. I struggle with wanting to do something great but my depression has bedriddened me. The thought of having a mediocre job in a mediocre firm is my nightmare, Id rather die. Now Im considering changing majors but what if the same thoughts hit me again? I cant keep running forever. I feel like Im at a dead end.",not depression
dev_pid_3904,Hi I guess : Hello everyone I'm basically new to reddit and pretty  depressed as you might expect. I'd really like to tell somebody about my struggle  but I think I'm to weak to do so. I don't want to make my friends feel bad for me and I just want them to be happy. What are your experiences? Did telling somebody work out for you AND them?,not depression
dev_pid_3905,Random mini celebration 🎉 : I did genetic testing. Pretty much all of the meds typically used won’t work for me because I metabolize too fast or something. That sounds like a bad thing but that means I got through the worst times with my medicine not doing jack shit. Yay I guess :P,not depression
dev_pid_3906,"Anyone else just want to talk to someone?? : I feel depressed a lot, but even more when I’m alone. I always feel better when I’m with someone, anyone feel the same way??????",not depression
dev_pid_3907,Looking for friends : Going through some stuff and I have no current friends. Was wondering if anyone would like to talk :),not depression
dev_pid_3908,WHAT HAD I DONE IN PREVIOUS LIFE TO DESERVE THIS PAIN? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK SJSBBABAYWUWUSHZBZBAIWJSSSS : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3909,FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCJDK UDUCUJC FUCK U HDBSB UCI KXKDJDNGSGSVZVSVBZFU KF CI K FICK IFCK K FICK UF K FICK UFUCK FICK FUCK UCJ MFJCJCJCU K FUCK NDCI K : ,not depression
dev_pid_3910,why do i kinda just want a meteor to strike and the world ends : i kinda just want  a natural disaster to wipe out all of humanity because i want to kill myself but i can't since parents will be miserable and if we all just died and it's out of everyones control that would be cool. sounds fucked up but its how i truly feel,not depression
dev_pid_3911,"I dont like anything anymore. : Nothing I used to enjoy and love has faded from my existence. The only thing I love is my thoughts and talking to my self, I always talk to my self at lunch and my ""friends"" think I'm crazy.",not depression
dev_pid_3912,"dear cousin : i’ve had depression for about two years now and i think about killing myself everyday. but to my cousin who has dry eyes and is also depressed i’m staying strong for you. i’ve heard the things you say, how you have no hope, and that you’re the reason the guns are locked up. for you ill stay strong. im trying to save up money for your surgery but im scared you wont be around for when it’s time. because of you i wont kill myself tonight or tomorrow , i wish you knew how much you mean to all of us. i love you",not depression
dev_pid_3913,"Anyone want to hang out? (Swansea) : It's a long shot I live in a bit of a weird place, I live in Swansea, Wales and could do with some new friends, if anyone is down let's do something sometime 🤷‍♂️",not depression
dev_pid_3914,This ride will never end : Just over it all guys. I swallowed a bunch of Tylenol last night only to wake up feeling like shit. Fuck it all lmfao im over it,not depression
dev_pid_3915,for parents and others- I want it to remember when i´ll have kids .. :  [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PW7Cx3iYYLk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PW7Cx3iYYLk),not depression
dev_pid_3916,I want to be delusional : I wish I could just go completely and absolutely insane. My normal sober thoughts are so mentally painful and draining. I want to drift away into an eternal madness where I could at least be comfortable,not depression
dev_pid_3917,"Girlfriend broke up with me. Depression returned, started spiralling. Dropped out of Uni. No job. Every application rejected. Get sad, eat. Gained so much weight. Fatter than ever. Get sadder, eat more. I can't even look in the mirror anymore. It has to change, there is no other option. : I know I have to start somewhere, I hope I look back on this as the start of a new start. Because I think this might be the last time I can fail. Fuck it hurts being alone, but I can make it through this I hope. I don't even know why I'm posting this, but I need to hold myself accountable.",not depression
dev_pid_3918,"how to stop/prevent spiraling? : sorry if this is the wrong place to ask about this, but a friend of mine has been spiraling a lot lately, and she'll start thinking she's a bad person and she'll never be happy from seemingly out of nowhere. when that happens to her I try to tell her why that isn't true, but I don't really think it helps. do y'all have any advice on how to prevent her from spiraling, or what to do to stop it if she's already started?",not depression
dev_pid_3919,Almost : I started to prepare for my suicide a few days ago. Today I found out my brother is barely holding on. Our younger cousin who was like a little brother to us both took his own life in December.  Today I snapped out of it. I need to be there for my brother. I need to be here for everyone I love. Everyone who needs me. I can't leave.,not depression
dev_pid_3920,how does anyone get out of bed in the morning? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3921,"I’ve been surprisingly sociable tonight. It’s crazy how I can change depending on who I’m around. : It was a couple of my parents friends who came over for dinner.
I’m usually very quiet and invisible, I look very passive and absent, etc. But tonight, I don’t know... the husband was interesting to talk to and the wife very sweet, so I was feeling comfortable enough to speak and almost seemed confident.
It’s so lame to be proud of this but it had been a while since I had last allowed myself to show I exist.",not depression
dev_pid_3922,"I am looking for the cheapest way to get antidepressants. : Im an adult with no health insurance and would perfer not to get fleeced by a doctor just to get a prescription or am i going to have to pay the entry fee and put myself further in a financial hole?
Also if you have time maybe you can offer advice on my other post that got no responses please: https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fezzl6/i_need_someone_to_figure_me_out_because_i_believe/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share",not depression
dev_pid_3923,"Am I still capable of being good? : I was with someone I whole heartedly felt that I loved, everyday with her felt like a blessing, and not a day passed where I didn’t feel that sense of bliss to have her in my life.  But down the line, like the teenage mess that I am, I let my impulses and hormones take over and I did things I completely regret.  I hurt her in a way I would never wish on anybody.  And now I just don’t know how to tell myself that I can still be a good person, even if I try everyday to become better and improve myself, my mistakes are still there.  Am I still capable of being a good person?",not depression
dev_pid_3924,Do you ever start to feel down for no reason or reasons you don’t know why : It happens to me and I have no idea why,not depression
dev_pid_3925,meh : you know when In your country being bi is not allowed and your mum wanna kick you out yet your still here .told my anxiety and depression to my crush haish I’m scared . Late night thoughts hit me,not depression
dev_pid_3926,Anyone want to exchange sad songs? (preferably rap) : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3927,Everything fails at somepoint and everything dies. Everything is dead. We come from nothing and we will return to nothing : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3928,I feel like my life is just a bad joke that just stopped being funny quite a while ago. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3929,"Currently in a funk. : It feels as if I’m in the deep in, treading water so I don’t sink. I feel myself getting tired. And wanting to give up. It’s taking everything in me to not just end it. I honestly don’t want to hurt anyone around me.",not depression
dev_pid_3930,my interests are fading : i did dance since i was in preschool and now i hate dance. i'm unmotivated to go to my lessons and i dance like a beginner.,not depression
dev_pid_3931,I'm ruining most of my friendships I think. : I'm so anxious and worried about my friends not wanting to talk to me. I ask them randomly if I messed up or if they like talking to me. I wish I didn't. But I need reassurance.,not depression
dev_pid_3932,"Feeling lonely and wanting to date someone, but being afraid of meeting new people because of social anxiety and isolation, but needing affection and tenderness... but feeling too vulnerable and lacking confidence so much that you cant even see yourself flirting with anyone... But feeling lonely.... : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3933,"Fasting glucose depressed me : My fasting glucose was 94, it upset me. Last year it was 89. My cholesterol is high too and I noticed nuts and peanut butter aren't good for my weight. What's your fasting number?",not depression
dev_pid_3934,"Wanting to die before your life begins : I turn 17 soon, and I’ve spent a 19 months in mental health treatment between residential programs, rehab, and hospitals, and I haven’t gotten better.
I work 30 hours a week to support my drug addiction and my life is going no where. I hate myself; I hate myself; I hate myself.
I want to go to jail and start some shit and get killed so my parents think it wasn’t me who killed myself.
I am so lonely. All my friends use me for drugs, and I share my drugs so I have “friends”. 
THE MEDS DONT WORK. THEYVE NEVER FUCKING WORKED
There is no hope, no end to suffering and despair.",not depression
dev_pid_3935,"i cant get out of bed : I have to work. I have to go to college. I have to study. Why can't I fucking move my body and not be useless for once. I'm fucking done with this bullshit life. I can't do anything right not even kill myself. I'm a joke. I want to open my window and just fucking jump, I'm so sick of this bullshit",not depression
dev_pid_3936,Depression sucks life out of you and make you a living dead. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3937,SSRIs are not doing anything : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3938,":( : i havent cried in forever man. like- i get really sad all the time but no tears. i just want to cry again. i know it feels kinda sucky to cry- but i want to express my emotions- i want that post crying feeling of being able to forget about stuff for a while, not just sit with it. is this happening to anyone else????? what can i do??????",not depression
dev_pid_3939,"I’m not going to cry today : Not because I’m okay or that my life isn’t falling apart. But because I’m tired of crying and I deserve a day without it. So fuck crying for today. I will watch some series and eat some snacks and see what happens tomorrow. That might be my problem though. I wait to see what happens tomorrow instead of making sure tomorrow will be better. Ah, I guess we’ll see.",not depression
dev_pid_3940,"😔 : It feels like im overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I cant find joy in anything. Its fucking beat. Im exhausted. It comes and goes, i just wish it would go. Im not asking for advice or anything really, ill be okay just want to get some of this out",not depression
dev_pid_3941,weak and sad : I've barely had an appetite as of late and my stomach has been suffering. I cant get myself to get up for food and I just lay here. I feel so weak and brittle. Nothing tastes good. I just want to care about things. I cant do my favorite things anymore and nothing really makes me happy. I just want a hug. I just want warmth. I just want to feel loved for once.,not depression
dev_pid_3942,"i feel worthless : i feel like a dogshit on a sidewalk that everybody avoids.  
i dont really care if anyone replies.
thanks for reading.",not depression
dev_pid_3943,I need help : Right know I feel like trash. I'm 23 years old and I can't get over getting bullied in high school or college. Most of the kids ostracized me and spread rumors that I ended being completely lonely to this day.  I dropout of college and I don't know what I'm going to do and I'm on my phone all day to escape from my current situation. Any advice for anyone  was  is in a similar situation?,not depression
dev_pid_3944,Another heartbreak : OK well was still having hard time getting over last love four years ago than met this new person fell in love than they don't feel the same again now double heartache yea just happened right now hurts af man I am too tired to keep looking I just want to be alone,not depression
dev_pid_3945,Sharing my experience to see if it’s similar to anyone else’s. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3946,"Run away : You will never be too far away, you can run but you'll still have the pain, it doesn't matter what you tell yourself to feel okay, this will still stay until your dying day.",not depression
dev_pid_3947,Leaving to another state for a month. : No one even said goodbye or that they would miss me..  not even a hope you have a safe trip. Fuck is my life really that pathetic?  I’m gonna be leaving and no one even cares.,not depression
dev_pid_3948,can i get comments : i know its stupid and probably nobody really cares but can i get some comments saying hi or something i kind of just want to pretend i have some friends i dont really care about upvotes or anything like that,not depression
dev_pid_3949,"Today I end my life : Im just tired of living today is the day i kill myself and there's nothing that can be done to stop it as you read this I will already be dead I just want to thank the people of reddit for all the help they've done if anybody wants to contact the authorities to retrieve of my dead body my information will be below.
I live at  18 Athelstan Gardens, Kimberley Road London NW6 7SN  and my name is Charmaine Kazmi.",not depression
dev_pid_3950,My wife was just killed by a drunk driver last Saturday and the funeral is tomorrow. : I am having the worst time dealing with this pain. I know it is a new pain but she was quite literally the light of my life. She was the only one I could turn to or talk to. The one source of a real true love I had and she was ripped away from me. I somehow received the lightest injuries of the 5 involved even though the vehicle hit my side at extremely high speeds. I just feel like it’s going to be so hard to move on in my life now that I am alone.,not depression
dev_pid_3951,"Depression is . . . : Depression is . . . 
Wanting to break up with your boyfriend because he deserves better, he deserves a human with a functioning brain. 
Crying in the car. Crying in the shower. Or simply not crying at all. 
Figuring out ways to create your own death in where it won’t give anyone you care about ptsd, 
like would it be feasible to drive miles and miles and miles away to an unknown location? Where people would just think I went missing or had an unfortunate accident, like hiking and falling to my death due to slipping on a rock because suicide is too much for people to cope with 
because 
She was beautiful and intelligent and this and that and some more superficial bullshit. There is no way she would want to die. No way in which she would be selfish enough to do something so terrible to all of her loved ones.
What if I said that I understand suicide and I understand depression. How it’s incredibly not a selfish thing, it’s selfless in its own warped and fucked up way by trying to get out of this unescapable cage that’s called your brain. 
In the end, I won’t ever do it due to the fact deep down I know I have purpose and I know that I’m here for some reason. Sometimes though, this thing called a brain with thoughts tells you other things that make it a little bit harder to step forward.",not depression
dev_pid_3952,"I don't want to be alive. I don't want to be who I am. : I cheated and lied to my girlfriend about it. I want to kill myself. I can't live with how I've hurt her. I disgust myself. I've manipulated my friends for my personal gain. I feel like I don't deserve to wake up tomorrow. I really want to do it. If not tonight, then sometime this week is highly possible. Should I do it? Is there any hope for me to become a better person? If not I think I will do it. I don't want to be a parasite on the lives of those I love.",not depression
dev_pid_3953,"How do I rope properly? : I don't want to end up brain dead.
I believe hangsman noose isn't the right way to do the rope?
Not sure if I should try and snap my neck?
I don't want to jump infront of a train or jump from a building because I want my body 'normal' as possible for any family member that needs to I.D me.",not depression
dev_pid_3954,"How do you get rid of the black clouds?, they never really go away : ",not depression
dev_pid_3955,"I'm tired of being everyone's problem : All I've ever been is a burden. I'll all ever be is someone people feel sorry for. I'll never be loved. Even when I feel like I'm learning to love myself, reality knocks sense back into me because I should know better. I've never been worth it. No one has ever truly cared for me and I don't have the energy to try anymore. It never leaves. No matter what I do. No matter what help I get or how much I try. I'm done. I can't wait to waste away.",not depression
dev_pid_3956,Thank you : Thank you for everyone who’s replied to me. I love you all. Contemplating rn but I’m too much of a pussy to do anything.,not depression
dev_pid_3957,"Everything hurts so much : Going to work is draining. I want to leave before I get there. Socializing is exhausting, I’m sick of putting on my happy face. The days are beginning to blend together. Thinking hurts, my thoughts have been cruel lately. Suicidal thoughts are dwelling and I don’t want to be miserable anymore. I’m lonely, every conversation ends and it’s just me and my thoughts again. I don’t know how much longer I can take this.",not depression
dev_pid_3958,"Stiff hands hovering over my keyboard, I just don't know anymore. : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3959,I want death : Give it to me. So I don’t have to live in this fake world anymore,not depression
dev_pid_3960,"getting no help : so I’ve never been able to talk to a therapist outside of my school mental health counselor, and it really sucks. I have had my school resource officer & mental health counselor call my parents multiple times and they told them that it would be a very good idea for me to get anti depressants because it would help a lot. I’m a minor, and i can’t go myself. And my parents won’t let me get help, and i just don’t know what to do.",not depression
dev_pid_3961,Is every pleasure just a form of escape? : Lately I've been going to the gym as I've tried to adopt healthier habits. All it's really done is taken the place of what I used to use to escape (video games). I find myself here 3-4 times a day realizing now it's just similar.,not depression
dev_pid_3962,The worst thing about falling into a new depression : is doubting whether the first one had ever lifted or it just  has been dormant somewhere in the deep corners of your mind.,not depression
dev_pid_3963,"Oppressed : How do you deal with people who take power over you? My friends family and more do it because they see me vulnerable, how do I stop this?",not depression
dev_pid_3964,Are your thoughts ‘larger’ and more intense during depressive episodes? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3965,I don't want to do anything for the rest of my life. : The severe depression has put me in this state for 6 years. I've been dead for six years.,not depression
dev_pid_3966,"26 years old no friends never been in relationships : 
I’m a 26 year old female never had a boyfriend or have no friends. I go out every now and then but not a lot. I’m afraid of what people would think of me and I’m scared of going into a relationship cause I have my mom up my ass all the time. And all I pretty much do is hang with my aunts. I just want to go out and have fun but at this point I’m so afraid of what people r going to think of me I want to give up. I’m really losing my mind. Any advice",not depression
dev_pid_3967,"What is the point of living? : Hey there, for a long period of time I try to find an excuse to go on, something to hold on to, all I do is studying and waiting for something good to happen to me.
I mean all I look forward to is 40-60 years of working while having little to no time to have fun and I wonder what's the use of moving forward when nothing good is ahead.
Sorry if my English is bad just had to vent a bit...",not depression
dev_pid_3968,"A new discord server based on mental health : Hello everyone,
I would like to promote my server here.This is a brand new server that is made by me and my best friend-Ari. We have realized that nowadays, humans mental are weaker than they think, though most of them know that.   
Good mental health means being generally able to think, feel and react in the ways that you need and want to live your life. But if you go through a period of poor mental health you might find the ways you're frequently thinking, feeling or reacting become difficult, or even impossible, to cope with. This can feel just as bad as a physical illness, or even worse.  
Mental health problems affect around one in four people in any given year. They range from common problems, such as depression and anxiety, to rarer problems such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.In many ways, mental health is just like physical health: everybody has it and we need to take care of it.  
Here is the server we are aiming for. We are a LGBTQ+ Friendly, Mental health support(mainly), Gaming, Anime, and Music Server for people to have fun in! 
\- This server is purely made by volunteers, and runs off a volunteer system, we are NOT professionals, we use experiences and self obtained knowledge, although we try our best. 
We are a community based around actually getting better, not self pity and wallowing, we will pick you up when you fall down, and we will support in every way that we can, but we will NOT waste our time on people that don't actually want to get better.
What we offer: 
Mental health Support(Venting channels, etc.)
Memes 
Anime
Gaming
Music 
Karaoke nights  
Gaming nights 
And tons more! 
Finally, we are still growing, this server will be activated as soon as you clicked the link below, we are looking forward for you to join and be a part of this lovely family!  
[https://discord.gg/Q5tQp3D](https://discord.gg/Q5tQp3D)",not depression
dev_pid_3969,I want to be depressed again : No one told me recovery could hurt more than the illness... Im months into my recovery and i just wanna go back to the times where i can just fall asleep and mope around whenever.,not depression
dev_pid_3970,"The night realization : When u get in bed to go to sleep but realize that tomorrow’s not going to be any better. 
Stay strong y’all",not depression
dev_pid_3971,There's a campfire in front of me and I want to jump in it : ,not depression
dev_pid_3972,Just realized I’m a broke loser. I’m scared where my shitty life is going : I don’t know why or how I’m still alive. Constant rejection from guys. Mom treats me like shit. Im hoping and praying I ace these interviews for the jobs I applied for so I can get my own place. Get plastic surgery and get a boyfriend. I just wanna be lovable so badly. I hate myself,not depression
dev_pid_3973,i had a dream where i died and death was the best thing ever. : now its all i think about.,not depression
dev_pid_3974,Why do i like to be with a person that's bad for me? : I have no energy to detach myself even when I know I am slipping. I have thoughts of bad things. But atleast somebody makes me feel i am alive. O dont want to die. I just feel the need for it.,not depression
dev_pid_3975,"Lowest point of my life - professional school : These have been the hardest years of my life and it seems like these feelings will never pass. I feel overworked and I am struggling at school big time. I am almost half way through my four-year program but it’s taken so much out of me, I don’t know how I’ll be able to finish this.",not depression
dev_pid_3976,"I try and I try and I try : And I never quite make it. I have a death wish. I’m tired of waking up in the morning feeling the same emptiness everyday. I dont want to get married or start a family. I only want a career so I dont become homeless. Everything is bland-music,nature and books. I lost my passion. Cant find my spirit. My existence is a waste.",not depression
dev_pid_3977,I feel numb : I feel completely numb to feelings except for sometimes sadness. I dont have close friends to talk to or someone to talk at all. My grades started to go down. I really want someone to talk to...,not depression
dev_pid_3978,You ever just want to talk to the air? People get tiring after a second or two. I just want to be fine again : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3979,"Books about depression : Hi all, this is my first post in Reddit.. Please suggest me good books related to depression",not depression
dev_pid_3980,"Where I am : I haven't posted here in a while, I am not doing much better mental than normal however I am going to school for Game Dev. At least I am not sitting around doing nothing.",not depression
dev_pid_3981,"What to do? : I moved to a new area almost a year ago now. I don't like to go out and drink or anything so other than work I haven't made any friends. I'm pregnant and me and my boyfriend have different schedules. All I do is sit at home and sleep just waiting for him to be home to have someone there. I don't know what to do when I'm alone, so I just sleep all day. I'm can't get into playing video games all day. How do people fill there days with things to do to make themselves feel like they aren't just wasting there life away until the next day.",not depression
dev_pid_3982,My sleep schedule is fucked. : My sleep schedule is tied to dry bar comedy specials it's the only thing that makes me happy.,not depression
dev_pid_3983,"Everything is boring and pointless and nothing interests me. : Before we start I am a 27 year old male struggling to live day to day because of extreme boredom and general apathy.
I could probably go on but Lets see what happens. I know I sounds testy and... I am honestly. I but this mindset has been getting too much recently and I keep wanting to see if I am just missing something or I am just pretty much screwed until I muster up the balls to end it. I am sorry for wasting the time of whomever may read this.",not depression
dev_pid_3984,"There's literally no end to depression. It's just the occasional good mood and then after a day or a week you're quite literally back in the same mental state. : I don't even know what to say here, blame loneliness on this cringeworthy, overdramatic post Because if I had any friends who checked up on me or were the ones who texted first, I would be talking to them. But I'm not.",not depression
dev_pid_3985,How do you find purpose to continue living everyday? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_3986,FUCJKKJ : HAHAHA I JUST WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING,not depression
dev_pid_3987,"Antidepressants : Do u have a recommendation for sometype of anti depressants I can buy online ,I dont want to tell my parents but I really don't want to deal with this .",not depression
dev_pid_3988,"Starting Medication : On tuesday i have an appointment scheduled to go to a doctor and be prescribed antidepressants (recommended by my therapist). i’m just wondering what to expect going into it, as i hear so many conflicting things regarding them.",not depression
dev_pid_3989,I feel strangely delirious and paranoid : I'm terrified to post this and I cant exactly state why but I've hit a point so low that I'm on the cusp of panicking at every moment and I feel detached. I feel so completely alone. I just don't want to be alone anymore,not depression
dev_pid_3990,"I feel like I’m pretending to be a person : I feel like I’m less human than everybody else, less whole. Like they’re living while I’m just existing. And my interactions are awkward and unnatural because I can’t figure out how to be spontaneous.",not depression
dev_pid_3991,still in a bad place : and still lying to everyone and saying that I’m okay when really I’m not.,not depression
dev_pid_3992,WHYYY! : Why does life suck so much and the worst thing is I can't do shit about it.,not depression
dev_pid_3993,If y’all are getting suicidal thoughts/dark thoughts : then you listen to $uicideboys$ because that helps me cope with the pain you know?,not depression
dev_pid_3994,"need words of encouragement ig ! : I tried venting to my friend about how my family doesn’t believe in me as a artist, but didn’t particularly turn out well as i called at a wrong time and he was too busy playing BOTW. I hung up eventually but now hes mad at me for doing so for whatever reason. 
I dont know, i did just want to vent, even a little bit and felt heard for a moment, then talk about other things and just be in each other’s virtual company (,:
i would be open about my feelings to him but, “stop moping already” he said, so you know i guess i already... said too much to him already.",not depression
dev_pid_3995,"Man my Uncle is doing terrible right now.. : My Uncle bought a miniature golf course. The guy he bought it from was 80 years old and wanted to retire. He spent about $650,000 on the golf course, which was half of his savings.
But here is the thing, to manage the golf course he had to move out of Richmond, Virginia, to Akron, Ohio. He bought a new house before selling his old house, only to find that his attic has tons of water damage. The repairs itself will cost about $175,000 when he only spent $235,000 on the house in the first place (this was in the 90s). The worst part about it is the house he bought in Akron (which is a REALLY expensive city to live in) cost about half a million. He took out loans expecting to pay it off because of how profitable miniature golf courses are, especially in a really upscale place like Akron, Ohio.
But the story gets worse. The Golf Course itself has tons of problems. Most of the clubs aren't PGA standard. The old owner was disobeying the law and dodging taxes to maintain a profit. When my uncle became a new owner, the PGA did a mandatory inspection, fining my uncle $25k and forced him to spend another $12k in repairs and equipment upgrades. On top of that, now that the golf course has such a bad reputation, he is losing business, and people are going bowling instead. For those of you that don't play golf, bowling and golf are rival sports. This is sinking my uncle into a serious depression costing him tons of money in therapy.
So anyway my family goes out to Akron to cheer him up, taking him to the Olive Garden. But my BITCH sister couldn't just be normal. She starts SCREAMING at my Uncle for supporting Joe Biden instead of Bernie Sanders. My sister then killed his pet goldfish he always takes to restaurants with him for good luck. My uncle has had this goldfish for 27 years. My sister made such a huge scene that my ENTIRE family (including my uncle) is banned from Olive Garden forever. Since my family (especially my uncle) is SUPER Italian, this was a huge blow to his ego.
So basically my uncle is in serious debt, his miniature golf course is failing, my sister murdered his goldfish, and on top of all of that he is also banned from Olive Garden (even on Sundays).",not depression
dev_pid_3996,The conversation with my best friend tonight went something like this... : She talked a lot. I listened. Then I tried to communicate that it had been a rough couple of days and that it didn’t even feel like I was being medicated by antidepressants any more. Then she said “oh yeah that’s good”. It would be nice to be actually listened to once and a while but thanks.,not depression
dev_pid_3997,"girl best friend stopped talking to me because she incorrectly thought i had a crush on her (this happened twice with two different girls). having trust issues with everyone, and i have no one to talk to. advice? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_3998,"Feeling odd. : Since it’s Saturday night, my friends have been asking to chill with me. Idk what’s wrong but I turned everyone down. Haven’t been myself lately. How is everyone else feeling tonight?",not depression
dev_pid_3999,I’m thinking about committing this Wednesday : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4000,"Describing depression is the hardest thing. : When friends/family ask me how i feel and to describe what im going through, i realise its so hard to put into words what's going on in my head. I wish i could translate the pain into words that make sense but its so difficult.",not depression
dev_pid_4001,Should I just drop out of college : I dont think I can do it. I dont have the motivation no more. Man have i ever not be a disappointment in my life? Can i just change places with someone dying because my life is so pitiful and wasted.,not depression
dev_pid_4002,"What reasons are there to live? : Recently, I have just been feeling very depressed. I always feel useless, and it doesnt help that I have not-so-good grades and my parents hate me. I have been sick with the flu so a lot of people are distancing themselves from me, and I really don't know what to do. I lost interest in my old hobbies and i dont like myself. Will things get better, or whats the point of living? I probably have no future.",not depression
dev_pid_4003,Too many meds? : My mom has severe depression. She’s on 4 serotonin inhibiting meds. The pharmacist pointed out that they think it’s too much and said they were going to notify her doctor. Her doc has her on ECT. I’m questioning his ethics. Any advice?,not depression
dev_pid_4004,"Im 15 and I Can't Continue : people around me simply just don't care, and i try so, so hard. I want to feel good about myself. I want to make a positive difference on peoples lives; but i don't know how, or if I can. Throughout my life i've been told that something is wrong with me, that I just cannot be happy. Ever since I can remember I've been bullied into wanting to die since i was 10. Depression is just so fucking hard and it doesn't get better and always gonna get worse. I can't keep lying to myself saying it will change, that I will; im cursed. Why am I like this? Do i deserve this, or am i an example?",not depression
dev_pid_4005,"If admitted, is my mother told about my SH? : Hey everyone, for some context here, I'm 15 and from Canada.
Long story short past couple of months haven't been too well and I'm becoming increasingly worried I may be of severe harm to myself. I want to admit myself to a hospital temporarily, however I'm worried they may have to disclose my uhh self harm habits to my family, which I'm not really ready to handle. Anyone with experience and can say if they'll snitch me out or not, thanks",not depression
dev_pid_4006,"What is a movie/TV Show/Song you cry to? : Not sure if this has been posted before but what the hey? Recently lost my grandmother and I’ve been crying non stop for the last couple of weeks. I’ve realized I haven’t cried in a very long time and as many therapists would say, it’s therapeutic. 
I’ve been watching the usual stuff and gathering material from YouTube but I wanna know what makes you release all the sadness inside you? I’d love to know more.",not depression
dev_pid_4007,"Stress, poverty and heartache made me start cutting : I'll try to keep it brief. Basically I had a breakdown in front of my dad about my stress about getting into college, and he promised to be supportive. I was wrong to think he would be, and he went back to his usual abusive self. I have been busting my ass off to re-learn an entirely different set of art skills to be able to get into college (which is hard to do if you're autistic). Failure after failure led to frustration, so I did what I've been resisting for at least three to five years, and started cutting. Nothing too graphic, just enough to draw blood. 
I'm stuck in a place where nobody loves me. And I wish someone was there to stop me.",not depression
dev_pid_4008,What do you do when you don’t have a support system? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4009,I just want a friend : I want someone to talk to regularly. My only other friend is on the other side of the world (literally in Australia). I just hate being alone all the time. All I really have are my pets. They’re the only ones who seem to get me and I feel like such crap that that’s all I have,not depression
dev_pid_4010,"Why does it hurt to express my feelings? : I have never talked to anyone about my personal problems before, but whenever I think how the scenario will turn out if i did tell someone I feel like I cant. Like when i think about my problems, i feel pain internally and cry and I cant seem to speak or wont be able to?",not depression
dev_pid_4011,"Living is not worth it : I have no social life, no education, no family life, no ""skills"", no hobbies, no money. Also suffer from brain fog, mayor social anxiety and depression ( possibly adhd). I'm also way below average on intelligence including emotional. I just dont see a reason to keep living.",not depression
dev_pid_4012,Have you ever cried so hard the only think you're focused on is breathing? : currently going through a fight with my boyfriend over something very stupid and i'm laying down crying and i can't breathe. I'm crying so hard that i am kinda only focused on is breathing so i don't have another panic attack. anyone else get this way?,not depression
dev_pid_4013,Self Sabotage...anyone else deal with it? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4014,Let Go N. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4015,"Yesterday was my birthday : 0 messages, even from people who knew it and I helped a lot...
I don’t even know if i do care anymore",not depression
dev_pid_4016,take me away : life is just a fucking cycle of shit and more shit and most shit,not depression
dev_pid_4017,why can't I be happy : I can't be happy I can't feel anything positive and I give up. I don't care about existing. I've written my suicide note and this is the end. goodnight and goodbye others. please take care.,not depression
dev_pid_4018,"Today was such a shitty day : I wrote an exam that I don’t even think I passed. I got to drive by a trio of friends later that wrote the same exam where I wasn’t invited which just reminded me that I barely even have friends. I had a really awkward encounter at the store that I couldn’t stop thinking about for the whole day. I’m sure I bored my girlfriend to death in the car driving in near silence to our date, and I hate myself for making her put up with me.
Did I forget my meds again? Or take them twice?
I don’t even know anymore.
All I know is I can’t do anything right.",not depression
dev_pid_4019,I want to die right now so bad : I legitimately don’t know why I’m not killing my self right now. I want to. It would be the best option. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I even die right? I don’t know why I’m even writing this. It’s 1 AM. No one will read it. Why can’t I just die? I’ve already cut myself all over accept my wrists. Just fucking do it.,not depression
dev_pid_4020,"I build the a bar, posted in the community, free alcohol, no one came... kill me now. I’m done with this now. : ",not depression
dev_pid_4021,I see no point in anything : I feel no point in anything really.,not depression
dev_pid_4022,"My memory is so bad it took me 2 my minutes to remember what I had to eat today : It took me a solid minute, almost 2 to remember that all I ate today was 2 hotdogs and a bowl of raman",not depression
dev_pid_4023,When to commit yourself? : i might put myself in a psych hospital. might  end it i’m fucked up. I’m so anxious i can’t eat can’t sleep i’m just a fuck up i want to shoot myself,not depression
dev_pid_4024,"I'm on stimulants to stay awake and be productive, but I can't stir up any interest to do anything. : Just passively browsing the internet for hours for something to do that I'd actually enjoy.",not depression
dev_pid_4025,"Its ways the same thing : Everytime i have one of these mood changes, or i finally breakdown after a shitty week, i tend to spend a lot of money. It makes me feel sooo guilty but i can't stop myself from doing it.",not depression
dev_pid_4026,"It’s my birthday and it already sucks : So I turned 17 1 hour and 44 minutes ago, I know it’s late but I only got one happy birthday wish, and that’s from my moms bf, I have to work today and I don’t have any friends to celebrate with. If you guys have time to just wish me a happy bday it would mean a lot to me :)",not depression
dev_pid_4027,"Something that helps me. : Recently, after all the stuff that's happened to me from the start of February to now, I've started finding things that seem to help me relax or just...feel a little better. Writing a journal works and listening to music helps as well but something that I've really come to find soothing and helpful are these videos on youtube by a man named ""Alan Watts"" they're these oddly inspirational, thought provoking, and relaxing videos of a man talking about just...life and its many different aspects. Some videos are short and others are long and there are many. I don't know if it'll help others like it helps me but maybe sharing this can give someone something when they believe they have nothing. Also always remember this.  
""Keep Moving Forward"" - Monty Oum",not depression
dev_pid_4028,Is this normal or should I be worried : My heart want to live on but my soul brain and body want to die and just be done with it all. I think my heart wants to live on because I love my boyfriend but it’s causing me real pain (not from self harm) feeling like this half alive half dead what should I do?,not depression
dev_pid_4029,"Anybody grow from a cute kid into an ugly adult : Reminds me of how hard it is to develop disadvantages later in life. You developing a way to function with certain qualities—and time reinforces this—and then it all goes to shit and you have to start over a and learn how to navigate life. 
It’s really, really awful how much looks influence how you’re treated.",not depression
dev_pid_4030,I am an idiot : Thanks for coming to my TED talk,not depression
dev_pid_4031,"Don’t wanna kill myself, but don’t wanna live : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_4032,when will i stop ruining everything? : I cant even compliment someone without fucking up...i just dont know what to do anymore,not depression
dev_pid_4033,"Someone help :( : I'm in a long distance relationship, I don't really have alot of friends and I just see other people's snapchat stories and see their lives and it's making me sad because nobody ever hits me up to hang out or they just make excuses. I don't know what to do, how do I cope?",not depression
dev_pid_4034,I try to be there as much as I can but I never get back the same amount of importance. I’m so tired. : ,not depression
dev_pid_4035,I had to lay down just to build up enough energy to be sad and have a breakdown. : ,not depression
dev_pid_4036,"Hey, I'm tired. : I'm kinda tired, exhausted, drained, and I haven't done anything in days or weeks or months. I go to bed and I can't sleep cause I know when I wake up I'm still not going to feel anything. Just the same old tired. I know I need help because I've been there before and I think I remember it helping, but it's so hard when I'm just so damn tired and my brain doesn't work like it used to. I feel like there's a million more things I could say but I won't. I just want to feel alive again.",not depression
dev_pid_4037,I feel like nothing is changing : Im in a depression rut and I feel like nothing can or will change how I feel and it can only get worse for me,not depression
dev_pid_4038,"Just missing my cat : I miss my 20 year old marmalade warhorse cat. He was the best ever and really helped save me. I miss him so much everyday and I just want him back
https://youtu.be/aa3Afg3fzAQ",not depression
dev_pid_4039,"Would it be a dick move to attempt suicide on my friend's birthday? : I know this isn't a suicide hotline, and I did already buy them a present. It just feels like if I attempted to die the day of her birthday that I may end up detracting attention from her to me on a day that's dedicated to her life. Serious answers only. 
Also, no I'm not planning it out on her birthday I'm just feeling suicidal and it happens to be her birthday.",not depression
dev_pid_4040,My family expects so much from me but I’m depressed and they don’t understand. They start comparing themselves to me when they were my age and that is so frustrating because that’s just not the same. It’s so different. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4041,"what's the thing that make you think ""fuck,I have to live with that all my life,how the fuck am I going to do it : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_4042,"Depression is an on switch. Once its turned on, life will never be the same again. : Never had I seen life in the same way again.",not depression
dev_pid_4043,Give me a reason to live : Without knowing me or saying “it will get better” what is a good reason for me to continue living?,not depression
dev_pid_4044,"I think I only do shit so I’m not hassled I don’t wanna go to school or do anything but I do so people don’t bother me, can you relate? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_4045,"Can anyone explain why journalling makes me flatter? : I've actually had a great weekend - good family time, great exercise (mountain biking) and really enjoying the trails and suspension tweaking.
Now that the kids are finally in bed and my journalling apps are reminding me to check in - I just feel flat (we even had a family time in the hot tub while the sun set!). As usual I've got no motivation to 'keep it up' or anything, just 'meh'.
Like I wouldn't even want to do it again - I could easily pass it up...
I wouldn't mind if I never rode again. I don't actually want to take the kids on fun trips or hang out with my spouse - if I could not wake up that would be ideal, really.
I've been great last year while consciously NOT journalling or seeking therapy and just letting the SNRIs do their things - and it's actually been good that way - but don't I need to learn to change my thinking patterns, or something?",not depression
dev_pid_4046,Does anyone else struggle with the concept of self love? I feel like this struggle may make it hard for me to get better. : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4047,How likely are cuts to be infected? : Due to some events I now have quite a few cuts on my body and am worried about infection. How worried should I be and what can I do to stop it?,not depression
dev_pid_4048,Helooo...is there anybody out there???? : ,not depression
dev_pid_4049,"Start REALLY small. : Want to kick depression?
Start small.
Then go a bit bigger.
For example:
If you want to get healthy, throw out 1/2 of the junk food in your house. 
This will make your goal for serious.
Keep throwing it out until you stop buying it.
May take 10 times on amazon until you get sick of throwing away money.
Then order health products like sage, nettle, ginseng. Take them 4 or 5 times a week
Then start doing 20 push-ups a day.
Use that momentum to apply for a job.
Get hired.
All of a sudden you have a much different outlook.
All because you started small.",not depression
dev_pid_4050,Honestly suicide sounds better and better as the days pass : I just feel like I’m not worthy of anything.,not depression
dev_pid_4051,Life is redundant : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4052,Not doing well tonight : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4053,"From ""casually suicidal"" : To ""the next opportunity I get to kill myself, I'm taking it"".",not depression
dev_pid_4054,"I turned 25 and still a Virgin, honestly I don’t want to say this but never having a woman want you sexually has definitely not helped me self esteem : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_4055,"I’ve thought about suicide frequently : I’m just exhausted
I’ve been sick for about 10 months or so; my doctors have been having an issue figuring it out.
I’ve always had on and off issues with depression and anxiety.
For the most part I’ve been able to fight it and ignore it.
But the sickness and it’s symptoms not only cost me what I would consider my first half decent job; but I’m tired of fighting it everyday.
I’ve always not had many friends; however being stuck in my home most of the day for these past months have made my loneliness far more aware to me then it ever has.
I’m just tired of it.
I know things will get better eventually; most likely anyway.
But this sickness has put a stop to my life and it will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. 
Quite frankly I have though of suicide a lot lately.
I’ve not acted on it in any way yet but; some days it seems very appealing.
I don’t really know what I’d hope to gain by posting this; but I don’t know.
I’m just so sick waking up fatigued and feeling so hot in and out of everyday.",not depression
dev_pid_4056,"Stop it : I want to stop my mind, the excessive flow of unusual thoughts for some moment. My mind is so heavy now bcz it's full of depressing thoughts. I don't think my mind understand the meaning of words like  calm, peace ,rest. It is even Hard to close my eyes and sleep.",not depression
dev_pid_4057,"21 y/o girlfriend had sex with married man with kids. What am I supposed to do? The last year of my life has been a lie, and I still love her. Advice? : I’m asking to get a broader viewpoint than my own.",not depression
dev_pid_4058,Won’t stop loving him : So I can’t and won’t ever stop loving him. I’ve tried everyday and I can’t let go of him. I will never love anyone else and I’ve accepted that. It’s basically like I’m mourning the death of someone and won’t ever recover from it. I wish I could just fucking die.,not depression
dev_pid_4059,Is anybody there? I have a knife next to me and want to just end it all. Idk what else to do. If anyone is there. Anyone : ,not depression
dev_pid_4060,"Hey you, yes YOU! How did you get here? What's your story? :   
""Name and face are not important, thoughts and opinions are important.""   \~ Nejfake>!\[translated\]!<
If this post comes to attention, I apologize if I can't respond soon. I'll try to accommodate everyone.   Please be human to each other.  Thank you very much to all of you!",not depression
dev_pid_4061,"I need some advice regarding a depressed friend. : My best online friend just recently told me that he has been feeling depressed after he hadn't been online for over 3 months. We played a few games but then he had to go. He hasn't been online since and I don't know if I should send him a message asking if he's okay, or if it's best to just leave him alone for a while. 
Any advice is appreciated.",not depression
dev_pid_4062,"I feel like I'm Flipping a Coin Everytime I Sleep : My excessive eating, sleeping, and lack of  exercise have been so bad lately I start to wonder if there will be a day where I fall asleep an never wake up. Sleeping at 6am, let's flip another time.",not depression
dev_pid_4063,just gonna put the phone down. : i just don’t wanna have to feel like i need to compete with others on social media anymore.,not depression
dev_pid_4064,"woe : when people hear the word, depression,
they visualize sullen teenagers dressed in black with slits on their wrists. but, many fail to recognize,
that depression is not always a physical manifestation.
that most suffer in suffocating silence.
depression is drowning in an ocean poisoned with your own thoughts.
depression is the guarded prison of your mind with no means of escape.
depression is the absence of love, the absence of light, and the absence of hope.
it envelops your mind with a blanket of darkness.
it taints your soul with unbearable numbness.
it reminds you every waking second that you are not good enough.
you’re worthless
you’re alone
that you are nothing.",not depression
dev_pid_4065,Anyone interested in D&D : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4066,"Every day is the same : Every day I wake up wishing I hadn't. Why does it have to be like this. Why couldn't I just have been like everyone else that is capeable of finding a girlfriend, having friends and knowing what it's like for someone to care about them. I just wish it could stop, I seriously can't do this anymore",not depression
dev_pid_4067,Who else creates fake scenarios in their heads and make themselves even more sad? : I constantly make up fake scenarios and conversations in my head and accidentally break my own heart. Big welp. Anyone else do this?,not depression
dev_pid_4068,I'm stupid : I have add. I always obsess over 1 topic and hyperfocus on it every minute of the day. There is so much I dont know about. Scrolling thru the front page makes me laugh but feel sad that I cant contribute anything. I am stupid.,not depression
dev_pid_4069,I hate my life : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4070,"To those who suffer. It is hard, I know that well enough. To let go and lose yourself, who you are, how beautifully you shone. Life has an obsession to tie down a soul, there is no denying. Though sometimes I look, I see those chains, they lead back to my mind. I hold my soul captive. Maybe you too? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_4071,"Someone told the university I’m a danger to myself : I got an email saying saying someone referred me to the university saying I’m a danger to myself and they believe it’s important for me to have a mandatory meeting about this matter. I just want to be left alone. I literally have nobody in my life. Not one person ever asks me to hangout, no one asks how I’m doing, I’m all alone, and people only seem to care when I make it really obvious I’m depressed.",not depression
dev_pid_4072,"Made a Therapy Appointment! : Recently my mental health has been horrible. I have a new high-stress position, my boyfriend and I are basically in a passionless, sedless relationship, I have no idea what I want out of life, tax season is going to be REALLY hard this year. 
I calles a therapist yesterday and they actually picked up. She asked me loads of wuestions and seemed like a good match. I'm actually feeling a bit hopeful",not depression
dev_pid_4073,Wake me up when it’s over : Go to sleep pray to god that today’s my last day. Wake up see my reflection has tears in its eyes. Wipe my face go to work the voices of doubt and anxiety getting louder as i approach the office. “How am I going to fuck up today?” Co-workers with daggers in their eyes and smiles on their face. Go home drink the pain away. Lay there while my vision begins to grow blurry with the tears of yesterday. Clutch my pillow while sniffling like a child wishing it would all end.,not depression
dev_pid_4074,"Today is going downhill. : Hi. 
For those of you reading this, I'm a uni student. I'm supposed to doing 200 hours of personal work over the course of this project, but honestly all I do is nap and roll around on my bed. It's a group project and I just feel like one big letdown because I'm definitely lagging behind. 
Thank you for your time.",not depression
dev_pid_4075,"Anybody else has this problem? : im depressed for the first time since a few months and my life is starting to break, first maybe have a problem in school, which is devastating and now this:
my best friend who I know +10y is turning really arrogant in the past weeks especially since he started fucking one of his friends ex(i want to puke) which he finds himself to be a great accomplishment, and Its so disgusting on how he deals with me since they met, because without me he would be a virgin until 25 or so because I made him.
I gave him his style, he copied everything from me including my way I deal and talk with people, Im basically his father and he thanks me with all this, he started humble bragging or straight up bragging on how beautiful and exactly his type she is and how good she can give bj's (while she doesnt even swallow ahhahahah)
He just uses any situation to bring up he got a girl to fuck while I got one months ago, but I never ever told one unnecessary story about her because I cringe on trying to feel good because you got a girl
He reminds me how beautiful and exactly his type she is and if she gets thinner how she will be even more beautiful and Im really starting to hate him for that because he literally did NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING to get her, she just started writing with heart emojis to him after she broke up with her ex and thats the story on how they met,
Not that that isnt ok, just the way he feels like king arthur but not pulling excalibur out of the stone and rather pulling his dick out of one of the fat flaps which each beeing close to the size of a front tractor wheel and then thinking he's the next rocco siffredi makes me hate her and him more every time he starts saying her name.
Now I recently called him out for some shit hes been doing but he just started to change the wording a bit and its making me just depressed that you really cant trust anybody, I literally saved him from killing himself 2 years ago and I said it was my duty and thats what friends are therefore and he owes me nothing, except maybe (unspoken) beeing as good a friend as I am.
I would appreciate help in this as I just want his old self back because he is like a brother to me, but I start to feel this going away because of how he treats me.",not depression
dev_pid_4076,"Help me please help me : I am currently in a worry that my ex might have posted out sexual video session. 
I can’t handle this no more. Please please please",not depression
dev_pid_4077,"really considering cancelling that appointment : there's probably nothing wrong with me and i'm just wasting everyone's time. i am capable of being happy. i keep up with my hygiene (mostly). i eat three meals a day and i have the energy to get out of bed. i'm just overreacting because i am sad sometimes. why did i tell anyone and force them to worry? why am i even posting here?
sorry about the vent lol",not depression
dev_pid_4078,"will you be my friend ? : so heres the thing, i dont have many friends and the friends i have dont really talk to me me anymore its obvious really why would they want to be friends with someone who cant do anything right and has the most boring personality ever, so im fat, not skilled in anything, and dont really have any other redeeming qualities, i dont expect a long term friendship just someone to talk to, you can black me or stop responding to me whenever you like i wont feel bad about it. if you are still interested you can be friends with me all you have to do is send a message on my instagram  (obliviousentity) its a shitty art account with my shitty low effort art, dont mind that. i dont really have any standards for people to be friends with so if youre worried about me judging, plz dont. 
if you are interested in being my friends or not thanks for reading till the end, especially thought my really bad writing.",not depression
dev_pid_4079,"Negative things are looping : For once I thought this time it might be different, but no. Negative things are just in a continuous loop. The same things are happening over and over again, not letting me escape and each time leaving a deeper scar.",not depression
dev_pid_4080,I’m suffering & I barely even know the real reason. Too much stuff in life can happen at the same time. : I don’t even think I can process the amount if sadness I have yet. I made a mistake that cost me friend lately so I was shown that I really have no one. Do then I can’t help but have this smothering feeling of loneliness constantly. After so long of getting caught up in my own loneliness more things happen. Then it’d juss down hill from there ..,not depression
dev_pid_4081,Need friends : I'm alone i don't have friends I'm a little introvert so most of the Times i get lonely and it leads to depression . I need good friends whom i can share things and as well help them also to get relief From depression . Can help each other . Add me on snapchat if possible because everyone needs help at a time . Snapchat (b-boyzafar) .,not depression
dev_pid_4082,"always i'll care : kind of realised today that i get deeply attached to people, and even if we stop talking or becoming strangers, i'll always care about them, more than they will ever now. it's fucking unfair and it hurts, but maybe it's something i should accept.",not depression
dev_pid_4083,"My friends don’t care about me : I just told my friends that there are only 2 reasons why I’m still alive and after those 2 thing happen I have no reason to live and I can kill myself. well they ignored me
FUCK YOU",not depression
dev_pid_4084,Why does my depression get worse at night? : I've noticed how all day my mood is ok then at night a little thing can trigger it and I can have a full blown meltdown? Everything I've done depression wise has happened in the night? Sleep does help but I'm just curious as to why and if anyone else has this happen?,not depression
dev_pid_4085,"My friends don’t care about me : I just told my friends that there are only 2 reasons why I’m still alive and after those 2 thing happen I have no reason to live and I can kill myself. well they ignored me
FUCK YOU",not depression
dev_pid_4086,anxiety : my history groupmates arent doing shit i feel so useless and hate myself so much im so sorry for being aburden i am getting so much anxiety,not depression
dev_pid_4087,Does anyone feel being in this weird state of wanting to kill yourself yet wishing to keep on going with life ? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4088,"""Smile, it's your birthday!!"" : It's my birthday today, if it were up to me it would've been just another day. Instead it's time to put on my happy face and sit through it. It makes me miserable, but my parents (and grandma) happy.
I spent yesterday evening crying my eyes out while showering and washing my hair already dreading today.  I put my hair up in a bun too much, according to my grandma and parents, so again, woo I washed my hair and it's down. Acting happy for others so that they can enjoy my birthday.",not depression
dev_pid_4089,"Why can’t people accept that my best days are long gone? : Some people have lived their best days already and that’s totally fine, how hard is that to accept, stop saying stupid shit like ‘you’ve got so much more to live for’. You can’t guarantee it so stop giving false hope. 1 good day does not outweigh 1000 other miserable days.",not depression
dev_pid_4090,Lonely : I am so incredibly lonely that I don’t sleep at night and cry a lot. I have no friends and no where to go to hang out.,not depression
dev_pid_4091,Why am i like this? : I don't knowif  this is linked to my depression but im very happy with my life right now and haven't had any suicidal thoughts in months. But every time i have to do something for school/work i won't do it till the last day and put me under such a high pressure that i start the day crying and hating myself. Why can i never find any motivation for these important tasks before i really have to do them? If anyone is often in similar situations i would love to hear your story/advice:),not depression
dev_pid_4092,"How much longer : For years I've made myself push through it but all i feel now is weaker and admitting this makes me slip even more. I really need help but i dont know how or where to even start.
All i can say is why? Why is this mentality even possible?",not depression
dev_pid_4093,"For People Who Are Suicidal : What would you tell a person who is Suicidal that will make him want to like again
(Except for go and see the doctor, psychiatrist or life is worth living pal don't die)",not depression
dev_pid_4094,"[NeedAdvice] How can I get up in the morning easily? : I have a lot of assignments due at uni, which is why I have to get up early.
How can I get up easily despite all these negative thoughts I get, telling me that I am a loser and that life is meaningless?
Cheers!",not depression
dev_pid_4095,"It's very like I end up with the virus in the next few weeks. I hope it just kills me. : I know I'll most likely survive because I'm in my 20's with no pre existing medical conditions but fuck, I can dream right?",not depression
dev_pid_4096,"Why are you depressed? : I think mine is because, i got ugly in my early teens, and experiencing how people will treat you compared to before was really hard to deal with, and gave me social anxiety. I also think life sucks on a very basic level and you need good distractions and a life partner to make it worthwhile.",not depression
dev_pid_4097,I’ve stayed in bed all day : Only got up to eat breakfast and lunch. It’ll soon be 5pm. I hate myself.,not depression
dev_pid_4098,Staring at the ceiling : Laying down and staring at the ceiling as life goes by while you do nothing,not depression
dev_pid_4099,"Finally convinced my parents to take me to a psychologist : After 4 years of on and off struggle, I managed to convince my parents to take me to a psychologist. My mom hates me for it and doesn't believe in mental disorders but at this point, I don't care. I just want to get better and be happy for once.
It's not that important, but I'm really glad I did it.",not depression
dev_pid_4100,I lost it all. : you ever just feel like you lost it all? like u just lost everything. lonely at its max. i can’t even eat anymore. my birthday is this friday mar 13 and i couldn’t be any less excited. idec. it’s my 17th and i’ll probably spend it in my room listening to 808s and heartbreaks by kanye.,not depression
dev_pid_4101,"This is it : Today has to be the day. I can't go on anymore. I wake up every day wishing I had died in my sleep. Today has to be the day I end it. It has to be. I can't go on. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. It's all the same. Every day is the same. The longer I live, the more I will grow to hate my life and myself. I have to end it. There is no other way",not depression
dev_pid_4102,I spilled hot water on my hands : ,not depression
dev_pid_4103,"I didn't know what to do, so I'm here. : Hello everyone, I joined Reddit only to follow this community. I don't know if this actually helps anybody but I'm here because after a few painful events I quit therapy and pushed people away from my life. I've accepted that I am going to end up alone, average and miserable. So I'm just looking for ways to be biologically alive everyday. God, this looks desparate and stupid. Is it?",not depression
dev_pid_4104,I miss my childhood so much it’s killing me : I can’t stop thinking about fond memories,not depression
dev_pid_4105,"Kinda know I'm depressed when sleep becomes more than just sleep, it's an escape. : ...and worse, even my dreams are depressed. Today I just dreamed that I'm shouting because I can't take it anymore...",not depression
dev_pid_4106,i think i’m meant to be alone forever : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4107,"After battling depression and social anxiety for 7 years, i finally decided to take meds. : I finally decided to give it a shot after years of my therapist trying convince me to do so. Made and appointment with a med provider and now im on my second day of taking Paxil. I feel like I have no other choice. My life has been so fucked up by my deoression and anxiety. I've tried so hard and far too long to fight this on my own and it's always been 1 step forward and two steps back. I've tried for 7 years and I finally realized I can't overcome this on my own. And there's nothing wrong with that. I just have to be honest and hope to God this helps me.",not depression
dev_pid_4108,"i can’t cry anymore. : even though i used to be a really emotional person, i can't cry when i feel sad anymore. i just feel empty, and it’s making me feel so much worse. i’m too scared to get professional help, but i’m also scared to fall back into old habits. i know that won't happen if i get help, but i just can't. i don't know what to di",not depression
dev_pid_4109,"How black was my depression time : Checked my google photos, there is gap between oct 2009 and jun 2013. That time was extremely difficult to me. I closed everyone out of my life. I was working, maybe that was the thing what kept me here. A lot of alcohol went down.
I finally got serious help, did bad things to myself.
Right medication was found what helped me. I was diagnosed with ""bad depression"", no idea whats the english word for that.
Today i stand strong! i have family, i have quit smoking 5y ago, quit drinking totally over 500d ago.
I just wanted to say to you, that even extreme dark times carry some light for you.
Warm hugs and love!",not depression
dev_pid_4110,"I've been feeling down lately, and I just want someone to talk to. : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_4111,"Coronavirus Fear : I’m posting this because I feel crazy and want to know if anyone else’s mental health is getting worse because of the coronavirus? I feel so sad and hopeless because it seems like something really scary is happening and I know logically people get the virus and most recover, but the uncertainty is too much for me. It’s triggering my anxiety and depression so bad, to the point where it’s all I can think about and it feels pointless to do anything positive for myself because everything’s going to shit anyway. (P.S. im also definitely a hypochondriac and health anxiety is huge for me). I’m in Canada, it’s literally not even bad here and I know I’m being irrational, which is part of the problem. 
I feel like I can’t explain it properly to anyone in my own life so thought I’d just spill my biggest fears to a bunch of strangers instead lol thanks to anyone who reads this!!!",not depression
dev_pid_4112,"Heartbroken all the time : I've never heard a more accurate description of my depression. when it hits you, it's the same shock as a heartbreak and so so painful. it's rationalized and I just want to end it immediately",not depression
dev_pid_4113,Accident card fraud and juvi? The end of my life...? : So I found this old ass looking card and tried it on amazon to see if it would work as a joke and it went through and the bank called my parents to see if they were the ones who bought 500$ stuff and they said no because they didn’t know it was me and I later told them and they said that why am I stealing and that the police are gonna arrest me and take me to court and juvi and that they could even arrest me at school someone help!,not depression
dev_pid_4114,I feel like my existence has no meaning : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4115,I turned 18 a couple days ago and I haven't wanted to die so badly.. ): : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4116,"My mom just snaps at me out of nowhere and for the most unreasonable things : Some background info: 
I currently have a greenhouse in the backyard of my parents home since I live with them.
We also have this water system that cleans the water by filtering it through salt, among other things and I need to let the water run for a good minute after I turn the salt system off before I water my plants so they don’t die. 
Anyway, after I finished eating dinner with my family, I helped clean up the area but my mom was washing the dishes and I needed to take the compost out to the greenhouse since there was a full bag. It was getting cold and dark outside so I asked my mom if it would be okay to turn off the salt system to water the plants. I honestly didn’t think this was going to be such a big deal, if she just told me “no, sorry I’m washing the dishes right now so I kind of want it on” I would’ve been like “okay, I’ll wait.” But instead, she made this face and sighed loud as if she was exasperated then continued to say “I am washing the dishes, can you not see? You’ve never cleaned or washed dishes in your life so you don’t even know how hard this is.” 
I hate it when she does this and it makes me so mad that she can’t ever say anything in a nice tone to me. This is why I never talk to my family.",not depression
dev_pid_4117,Everyone Leaves : Why can't people stick around when things get tough. Why can't people be truthful. I'm so lonely.,not depression
dev_pid_4118,"fear of losing family : for the past week i’ve cried at work the most. for the past week i was holding back crying in front of people, my bosses, my parents. crying for reasons i didn’t expect.
flashback when i entered this job, which is my first job, and seeing a tweet about not letting anyone at work make you feel like family.
flashback when i was having job interviews after another and kept getting rejected due to my poor verbal communication skills but this job accepted me anyway.
flashback to that one person who interviewed me in my current work who is now my boss.
flashback to when i met two other people and their work team that somehow adopted me into their team as well despite my weakness.
in a way, i had two work families, despite the warning tweet i first read about not letting anyone in.
these two families somehow, at least made me forget how i don’t even know what to do with my life.
these two families somehow, made me forget a high school and a college life i wanted to forget.
these two families somehow, saw something within me that made me feel worthy of staying here.
these two families somehow, wants me to move out to another team to a client that they say would make me progress my career better.
progress my career? that’s a good thing right? but why am i crying?
no one in these two families treated me as a friend or anything close. no one of them tried to help me when they knew i has no friends. no one of them said everything is gonna be okay in a non work context. 
and yet i’m crying.
i’m not losing them permanently, but it still feels like that way. 
losing them somehow reminds me of my greatest fear.
and when that happens to my real family, i’ll be losing the last thread that keeps me in this world...",not depression
dev_pid_4119,"I'm not going to commit suicide. : Ever since I had depression (started having thoughts of killing myself) I started smoking.
I promise to never commit suicide, but if I ever get a chronic illness, I won't take the medication needed for me to live. 
If I die, I want it to be caused by the choices I've made in my life.
If, by some miracle, I don't get an illness I will try to live my life as hard as I can.
(I'm not sure of this counts as suicide.)",not depression
dev_pid_4120,i want to just be okay : ,not depression
dev_pid_4121,"When the hunger kicks in and you don’t even know why your saying what your saying. : Today I was in a manic episode, but it was during packing away the apartment. So I honestly have no idea what’s in what bag, but I know the stuff is packed!
So being a no friends kinda guy, I only really hung around my girl. 
Now that she’s back home, I noticed I have nothing, and no body to lean on.
No family I can call, no friends I can kick with.
I did this, this was what I wanted when I was younger.
Now? I think I messed up bad, I didn’t realize the time it takes to really build strong friendships and now I’m look at 30 next year like, would anyone really care if I died?
I mean yah my girl, but that would be crazy, she would probably be the only person to come. 
Was being alone worth it? Like now when all you need is a couch and some food for like 3 weeks till you get paid again.
Now we go sleep in the lil ass 350z try to pack everything in into a 350z hahahaha 
You have no idea.
Honestly packed mostly everything she owned and had no room for my stuff lol got half a book bag of stuff...
I didn’t want her losing all her stuff, AGAIN.
Idk, I try to be a good guy,
But does it even matter?
No idea what to do, but, yeah....that’s it idk",not depression
dev_pid_4122,"Nothing makes me really happy anymore. : I was going to put effort into this post about how my school, work, family, partner, friends, self worth, confidence, and what i expect for my future just refuses to be any more than lackluster, but i don’t know why anyone would care. I think i would have to write a book about it. I would see a therapist, but i definitely can’t afford that either. Oh and also all of my wisdom teeth are impacted and hurt like hell all of the time but can’t afford that either. I just can’t catch a break and wish i could just disappear for a little while. I’m not suicidal, but i don’t want any of this life anymore but there really is no way to get out of it.",not depression
dev_pid_4123,"Am I a horrible person for lying to my roommate? I feel like one... : I got 12 stitches in the bottom of my right foot because I left a box cutter blade on the floor. I bought them when I wasn’t doing well and I swear I never used them. I used coping skills and didn’t cut. I’m almost a full year clean from it. One must’ve fallen on the floor because I stepped on it and cut the bottom of my foot wide open. I didn’t want my roommate to worry about the razor blades so I told her it was a paring knife and that it got thrown away. I also lied about what it was to the nurses because that hospital treated me for my suicide attempt. 
I got help since and I’m doing better. Not suicidal. 
I didn’t want them to think I’d cut myself. I mean, why the hell would I cut the sole of my foot. My right foot?? 
I can’t drive or work or walk without crutches for at least 2 weeks. I kept it a lie because I didn’t want to worry them. But my roommate found the razor blade that had been stuck in my foot in the trash. She must have dug a bit to find it. I tried to explain why I felt I had to lie, but she wouldn’t listen and said that I was now a liar in her eyes and she can’t trust me now. I tried to apologize but she just stormed out of my room.
So I’m just laying in bed pissed off and feeling guilty. I mean, she had to drive me to the hospital to get the stitches.
Part of me is cringing because I should’ve told her the truth. But the other part of me is angry that she wouldn’t even hear me out on why I tried to keep the truth from her. I just wish I could rewind time and stop all this drama from happening.
I just.. need some advice here.",not depression
dev_pid_4124,Mental health discord server : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4125,"Does anyone else hate everything they ""touch""? : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_4126,"Is my friend severely depressed? And if so what can I do? : So I have a huge group of friends that I’m apart of because of my Boyfriend, and we all get along great, however there’s one friend in particular who lately I’ve noticed, just seems so down in the dumps, one day he posted on his Insta that he had a rough day and just wanted people to send him funny/positive stuff.
I replied and asked him if everything was okay, and oh boy I did not expect his response. He said he had just left the cancer center after 5 hours of his grandmas chemo and consultations, and I didn’t even know his grandma had cancer. I felt so bad for him and I myself just wanted to cry.  Then he tells me that he’s been living with chronic migraines for the past few months. I just wanted to hug him and tell him everything was gonna be ok.
I keep talking to him over the next few weeks, simply because I’m just worried about him even though in the past we hadn’t talked much. Another day, he tells me that he is content with being unhappy as long as we’re (his friends) are happy. And that just broke me, like I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone so broken before.
More time passes and he seems to be a bit better, then he messages me and tells me that he finally cried about everything and thanked me for being the only person to ask him how he’s been doing and taking the time to talk to him. To me this was super alarming, as it was worded as a last message/goodbye, but nothing happened to him.
I’m just worried about him... the other day his dad got arrested and he says it doesn’t bother him but I think it does. Today he asked me for some good music and I gave him a playlist, is there anything else I can do to help him?",not depression
dev_pid_4127,"3 years ago tonight, was the first time I ever felt depressed : It’s been a long long road for me. I remember how it first felt that night. And I know how I feel tonight. I have had my fair share of ups and downs along the way. But I feel as though I have survived it, kinda become more at peace with it. I don’t really have a point in saying this. Just wanted to put it somewhere.
Hope you are all doing well and I wish you all luck in your own journeys. Thanks for the support of this sub in the times I have posted.",not depression
dev_pid_4128,"I just need to get this off my chest : I have a journal that I have had ever since I was in 6th grade (like maybe 11 or 12 years old) that I wrote in it things that would be for me to consider ""wrong"" to think about and looking back at; it's fucking scary to read half of this. Like I'm young and I shouldn't be thinking about, ""If I were to get this razor and cut my stomach open like a C-section, I can finally die"". It breaks my heart knowing at such a young age I was already thinking of death and not having a child-like mind.
I really need to get this off my chest, it's been there for too long
Thanks",not depression
dev_pid_4129,Does anyone else feel like they've never had a chance in life? : [removed],not depression
dev_pid_4130,"i just want to write out my feelings : there's no real rhyme or reason to this but i don't really care. for a few years now i've just been sad. i feel like i've experienced every general emotion there is to feel. i feel like there's not a purpose to life, since everyone dies anyway and we're all on borrowed time. i wouldn't blame you for laughing but i'm only a 17 year old guy and i just feel lost. i have no idea what i want to do with my life, and i know nobody else does either, but i absolutely hate this feeling. i can't make any decisions on my own. i've lost enjoyment in things i used to love. i'm a very skilled soccer player but i can't even find the motivation to go and kick a ball around anymore. my coach even told me that he can get me to play at the college i'm going to (i picked my school basically at random) and i'm not sure if i even want to continue. i think a lot about HOW i would kill myself (important to note that i'd never EVER do it) and i have trouble believing that ""normal"" people never even think about it, meanwhile it crosses my mind at least twice an hour. i'm naturally awkward, from the way i walk (i've been told i have a ""nervous walk"" by one of my friends)  to just having a conversation with me. i second-guess myself, i stumble over my words, i rarely ever say how i'm actually feeling because i don't want to upset anyone else.  i'm very intelligent (sorry to sound like a jackass), but i f'ing hate school. i can't stay focused on anything because i find it all pointless, and even when i actually try my best, i can't stay on track with the assignment because i just find the guidelines set by the teachers to be stupid, so i end up getting frustrated and editing out huge chunks of my work... only to get ripped to shreds by my teachers when i submit it. i haven't told anybody except for one extremely close friend (who happens to be on antidepressants) how i've been so sad, and the only reason i told him was because he has personal experience with it. my dad's very old fashioned and would just tell me to ""man up"" as he's said to me so many times in my life i think even god may have lost count. i haven't told my mom because she's a psychiatrist herself, and she has a way of making things incredibly uncomfortable for me. also because i have 2 younger sisters, and what kind of role model would i be if they knew i hate myself. it's like i put on a fake persona every single day and nobody knows the real me, i don't even know the real me. i'm constantly fighting the urge to cry, no matter where i am. in class, i have to use the bathroom because i started tearing up. at a party (i'm moderately popular but the only thing people say about me is ""he's really nice"") i leave early because i feel so out of place and sad that all i wanted to do was go home and cry. there was a girl and she did make it better for a while (although we never even dated, but that's a long[er] story) but things didn't work out. i'm not too torn up about that, but i'd be lying if i said i didn't shed a few tears over her.  i could go on for so many pages that i could probably write a series longer than game of thrones, but if you read this far, then i've probably wasted enough of your time. i'm not asking for anything, and i know this place isn't my diary, but i just had to let it all out. thanks again for reading, if anyone actually did.",not depression
dev_pid_4131,"I don’t even know how to continue... : I was 13 at the start of this. I was in 8th grade and I was good with my friends. We hung out and did talked and stuff like that. But out of nowhere they just ignored me and would talk to me. This went on for weeks and everyday I would just come home from school crying because I literally had no friends. So I got pulled out of school and was homeschooled. Since then I have been diagnosed with depression anxiety ocd and Tourette’s. It makes everyday and impossible challenge. Fast forward to about a month ago. I’m now in tenth grade and have a absolutely no social interaction whatsoever. It still made me depressed but it got a little better over time. I texted one of my old friends and we actually talked and played on ps4 a little bit. I was beyond happy I actually had someone to talk to. We played together once or twice a week for about a month until out of nowhere he won’t talk to me again and has blocked me and is completely ignoring me. I know it sounds not like much, but the one thing in my life giving me happiness was ripped away from me. And I know if he eventually wants to talk again I will make the same mistake even though he is a complete jerk. I mean just with everything in my life going on and the one thing making me happy being ripped away from me I don’t know how to continue. I wish I wasn’t such a wimp otherwise I could kill myself and end my everyday suffering. But of course I’m too afraid to do it. I don’t know how to continue. It’s funny even though I want to kill myself I don’t want to die. I just don’t know how to continue how to make myself even remotely happy.",not depression
dev_pid_4132,"I never feel like I'm enough and I can't get my Mom to trust me : My Mom's brother is a drug addict. So my mom does everything she can do to restrict what I can do because she's scared I'll become like him. Once, we were arguing and she told me I was addict to my phone and that she thinks I'm facetiming people after ""screen time"" turns on and her brother became an addict because he had too much freedom, so I get **none**. She said that I was hiding people in my life from her who I was facetiming after she thought I was asleep. I told her that this was not true but she wouldn't listen. Other times she thinks that I'm sneaking out of the house. I don't, I promise you that I don't. How do I get their trust? How do I make my uncle not an addict? 
I get straight A's. But all I get is what I could do better and I don't understand. She says I'm too mean and she's right. All I want to do is move far far far away and never see my mom again. Only visit for my Dad. I just feel so alone and like no one else. I can't do anything that any other teenager does. Honestly, I dont know if I'm depressed, I don't really feel anything anymore, just sudden bursts of emotion. Everytime I talk to my Mom I cry after and feel like I'm not enough and I don't talk to anyone. I think I might go and become an addict just to spite her haha.",not depression
dev_pid_4133,Just want to talk to someone real : I find myself at ease being alone but at times I really miss the social aspects of life. Just talking to another human being with no judgmental views and being in the present. I wished I had more. More Proper interactions in life. My life is so boring and dull. I'ts so difficult to get out of this rut. I'm becoming more and more of a neet. I want out. I want to be alive.,not depression
dev_pid_4134,on the verge of tears but no real reason to cry : i know when i need to cry and until i do it just makes me anxious and awkward. i’m debating looking up sad videos so i can actually cry. it’s not even worth it to try and cheer myself up,not depression
dev_pid_4135,admitting to myself to the hospital tomorrow : words of encouragement please im very nervous<3,not depression
dev_pid_4136,"Does anyone else hate it when people say ""You think others have never gone through what you're going through before? I've been through the same."" : [removed]",not depression
dev_pid_4137,"I Just Realized Why I do Poorly in School Moments ago : I’m currently a Sophomore in high school and have generally always had bare minimum/poor grades. For years my parents wrote it off as laziness because I seemed to do well on tests (usually A’s without studying). Last year I was diagnosed with ADHD, which would explain past problems with school so I started taking meds. This school year is the first I have taken my meds and am still barely scraping by in college prep classes, but tonight I had an epiphany as to my problem. I have always had a caring and supportive group of friends that have always been in honors classes, they all were nice, except for one. This kid (Let’s call him Joe) Has always been a consistent asshole by turning jokes against me, my friends against me, and of course ridiculing me for being in lower classes. It is unfortunately unavoidable since we hang out with the same people so I tryyy to be nice to him...as much as possible anyways. 
Sorry for the rant but TL;DR I think this asshole caused me to have depression
Btw there’s also other things atop all this that doesn’t help but far too many to list",severe
dev_pid_4138,"my libido is extremely low and id like to fix that so i can move to the next step with my girlfriend : im on an ssri, so of course my libido is basically zero. id like to move forward with her into the more physical parts of the relationship, im just having trouble. 
i think a lot of it is mental + the meds. i have trouble kissing her for more than a few seconds, even if theres a part of me that really wants to go more. its like i get so in my head about everything and so convinced that my meds side effects are gonna fuck it up that i cant actually focus on her. 
i have trouble getting aroused when im by myself, but im not sure that would be a problem if she was there? i dont know though because my fucked up brain isnt even allowing me to get to that point!!!
what do i do to combat this?",severe
dev_pid_4139,"How can I [F30] stop taking paroxetine gradually? : Hi,
I've been taking paroxetine 20mg for 3 years and I want to stop taking it gradually. My symptoms are in control so I'm really looking forward to live without this medication due to health reasons (loose weight, lower my cholesterol, etc).
Does anyone know how to do it without the side effects?",severe
dev_pid_4140,I just took 5 more prozac pills than i should’ve : my typical dose is 20mg and each capsule is 10mg. i just took 5 more on top of the 10 i had already taken. my heart rate is rly going up. is it possible to od on this. i’m a very petite person,severe
dev_pid_4141,"Dreams/nightmares. : Hello I am taking propanol and Mirtazapine, I am about a week in but I keep getting hyper realistic dreams/nightmares , I'm so tired. 
When will this end?",severe
dev_pid_4142,"I feel like I'm worrying my life away. : I've always been a worrier, but ever since I was about 19, (I'm 26) the worry has sky rocketed. When I get over one thing, then something else takes its place. they're things most people probably woudnt think twice about, but it'll send me into a full blown panic. There hasnt been a moment I havnt been panicking (except for in my sleep) for the past 8 years. I've tried meds, which only made my anxiety worse. I ended up taking 4 days off of work, because I suddenly became terrified of driving. I also recently took a few days off, because I was worried about the caronavirus. I've tried going to a therapist, which helped with the issues I was dealing with at the time, but like I said, new issues just replace the old issues as soon as I get over them. Also, therapy was just way to expensive. I've had people guess I was in my 40s. That's how much the anxiety has taken a toll on my physical appearance. I just dont see an end to this. I feel like I'm destined to live a life in constant fear. If it weren't for my family, then I feel I'd have left this earth a long time ago. I'm just existing at this point. Anyone else out there like me?",severe
dev_pid_4143,"I really don’t see any reason to continue living... : I recently found out that because of the medication I’ve been taking for the past 10 years, I’m at high risk of PSSD (Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction), loss of emotions, Anhedonia, impaired cognitive thinking, lack of empathy, etc. Tbe risks are LONG-TERM, EVEN LIFELONG for some people. I take the highest dose for these 10 years as well, making me even more at risk.
I also could be permanently unable to trip on psychedelics, or even get drunk or high. Besides sex (and love, but that’s harder to get), tripping on acid was one of the most important things on my bucket list.
This SSRI BULLSHIT just reinforces my feelings of being sexually worthless, and just not being a human being.",severe
dev_pid_4144,"Scared to ask for medication from GP? : Hello,
I’ve been in therapy for a while, and my therapist suggested that I seek medication. My insurance doesn’t cover seeing a psychiatrist, so I’ve made an appointment with a general practitioner. I haven’t seen this doctor before.
I’ve been on various antidepressants in the past, and one in particular worked *far* better than others for me. It’s not a controlled substance, and has no potential for abuse. So I’m going to go into the doctor’s office and ask to be put on that medication again—simple, right?
Welp, I’m terrified. I’m afraid she’ll say no, think I am a drug-seeking malingerer, or just otherwise react poorly and not prescribe me the medication. Has anybody gotten medication from a GP before? Do I actually have anything to worry about? Anybody have any words of reassurance? It’s been ten years since I’ve been on medication and I’m pretty nervous about getting it.
Thanks in advance.",severe
dev_pid_4145,Just numb : So I’ve been taking my anti depressants and anti anxiety’s and sleep meds and nothings working and I’m just sitting here drinking. I’m just wondering if there’s any human being I can have a conversation with. I don’t even know if this is the right place for this but I figured I’d try.,severe
dev_pid_4146,"I've been on Paxil for 10 years and I almost feel like I want to feel depressed again : I've hard some hard conversations recently that made me realize I don't have a goal for the future, I don't care if I die, I'm just numb to the anxiety which is bliss but also meaningless. I care too much about everyone else to end it, but I can't find the motivation to do anything but work, drink and sleep. Has anyone else felt this infallible blissful rut? I fantasize about suicide a lot. That doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the retrospective recollection I have of my life and how it's impacted everyone else.",severe
dev_pid_4147,"My life story : I guess Ill start from the beginning...
I was born in late 2004 my mother was then 17 almost 18 my father was 32 and had no clue what he was doing with his life and no he was never reported for being with a minor but he was with another woman of around the same age of my mother at the time and my sister who is older than me by a couple months was born my mother imediatedly got custody of me as my dad did not want to get caught while in court around the time I turned two or three the other woman figured out about me and my mother and soon had my then youngest sister after divorcing my father my father was extremely abusive towards me only untill i was about 8
Around the time i turned 4 or so my now youngest sister was born from my mother to a physically abusive man who abused me and my mother and was eventually locked away for battery charges and last I heard is wanted in my state 
When I turned 8 I was diagnosed with ADD for those of you who dont know what that is its the opposite of ADHD pretty much im always tired and i was prescribed Adderall my mother who i lived with soon found a new man who in time also showed his true colors and was abusive to me and mother did nothing 
My mother soon started using marijuana and was cheating on her then fiance with our neighbor i was then around ten within the next year my mother was hooked on meth and I was then moved into her mother my grandmothers house leaving my sister behind not too long after that I was prescribed Zoloft for depression and ADD 
I am now 15 no longer on meds other than a couple assorted supplements for sleep issues and my sister is also moved in with us  i have better grades than usual and i have a girlfriend 
I didn't come here for support nor help i came to give hope to those that dont have it work through what is hurting and become stronger because of it i believe that we all can become great things",severe
dev_pid_4148,"After suicide attempts I'm dreading going back to my job : Hey. I'm in a psych hospital at the moment and am probably leaving tomorrow. It was due to suicide attempts and chronic depression with all the dressings.
I work as a dog walker. Lots of days I walk dogs for about four hours, and most of them are reactive/agressive and untrained. Basically dealing with that helped push me over the edge and now I'm facing it again on Monday. Love the dogs but I don't handle tiredness or stress well at all. Because of not working for over a week I have almost no money  - a little cash (enough for a week or two of food) and 12c in my bank account. With dog walking I don't make enough to cover rent and my parents help me financially. 
I just don't know what to do. Thinking about Monday brings back all the despair and hopelessness but I'm terrified of telling my clients that I'm done. I have no qualifications, no specific long term career skills or experience and huge trouble interacting with people.
I just don't know what to do as if I quit I'll have to face a new job and no money until I find one. I was accepted to do a six month course in photography but need a lot more money to register.  
Just don't know what to do any more and outside of my dr and therapist nobody actually listens.",severe
dev_pid_4149,"Okay but when is the depression going to go away? I’ve been in a constant depressed state for at least 9 months. : During the 9 months ive been on antidepressants, but none of them worked, probably cuz im too depressed for them to take effect on me. Im just waiting for some magical way of something to remove my depression, im sick and tired of it. Life so bland and boring it fucking suckssssss",severe
dev_pid_4150,"Persistence is key... 🗝 : Hey guys. I (f25) have been struggling my depression and anxiety since I was about 13. I have been through most types of abuse that you can think of on a long term basis and had 2 nervous breakdowns/ major depressive episodes.
I am telling you because one year ago today I was made homeless, for the second time that month. I was *absolutely* failed by my family for the last time. 
I have been on anti depressants since i was 13 but obviously, they take some tinkering so lots of chopping and changing and no steady regulation until about 4 years ago! 
After my second NBD/ MDE my doctor tinkered one my time, giving me the maximum dose of my current medication and increasing my anti anxiety medication. This helped a lot! 
BUT becoming homeless and moving into a hostel, I hit rock bottom. Rock. Bottom. 
Suicidal thought so intense and strong but contracted by the immense love I have for my partner was torture. Like, *actual torure*. 
So I started seeing the hostel therapist. 
She gave me tools to start changing the way I think but to also go back into my memories and process past trauma. I don't know what really happened from there because my brain and subconscious seemed to just take over! 
So far we have: 
1. Regulated meds
2. Therapy
3. Coping mechanisms put in place in times of crisis
Sounds perfect right?! Like shit just *fell* into place?! 
**HELLS NO!!**
THINGS WERE SO TOUGH! The past year has been brutal! 
Speed forward to this week. Again, I don't know what happened as my brain has just been driving and *I've allowed it*.
I have been sluggish in the mornings *but* got a second wind in each late morning/early afternoon! 
I have been productive! I have left my flat! I have been wearing makeup, showering, doing my hair, going to the shops... ect. 
I was convinced I was going to eventually succumb to the torture of my brain and get so tired I'd just give in to the temptation of opening up my arms. 
When people say give it time, please try and be patient! Get frustrated, shout, cry, sleep in, leave the washing up/housework or whatever... whatever you gotta do to get through the day, do it! Because *right now* is **happening**. You need to take care you **right now You**. 
This post ended up longer than I intended but if you got this far, please remember, hard work isn't always visible. It can absolutely be internal and exhausting!! 
**Go forth and love yourself!**",severe
dev_pid_4151,"Starting my first ever SSRI (Celexa) today. Also on Buspar. Could use some insight! : Cross-posted in r/anxiety 
Starting my first ever SSRI (Celexa) this weekend. Also on Buspar. Could use some input.
After being on Buspar for a few months, it’s helped my anxiety to the point where I don’t really have panic attacks anymore, and my general daily anxiety has subsided a bit. But I’m definitely not 100%. Even though the anxiety is subsiding, I still don’t feel ‘normal.’ In fact, I’ve felt “blank” for years due to anxiety and depression, my baseline is quite low. I don’t really know what it’s like to feel ‘normal’ or 100%. I’m just used to dealing with it day to day. I told my doc all of this the other day while checking how the Buspar was working.
When I look to my future, I don’t really see one. Not because I’m suicidal or anything (thankfully I don’t have those thoughts,) but because it just feels like I’m living day by day without much projection in my life. I go to work, go home, and my social life is really bland for a 24 yr old guy. 
The doc said that Depression is definitely comorbid with my anxiety (you don’t say!) and prescribed be Celexa. I’ve never been on an SSRI, the only med I’ve ever been on regularly has been Buspar. I’m a little nervous to start it, for some reason. I’m supposed to take my first dose this morning. Doc said the only side effect I’ll probably run into is drowsiness. She specifically chose Celexa because apparently it has less severe side effects when compared to Zoloft for a guy my age.
Anyone have some input for my situation? It’d be greatly appreciated!",severe
dev_pid_4152,":) : idk if i have depression, tbh. all i know is i am worthless, useless, stupid, fat, and unpredictable. i think this all started when i just shower everyone with trust and love.
let me tell you something about myself. i was jolly, quirky, playful, and silly when i was a kid. i am friends with everybody in the class.
back to the story..
i met my childhood ""ex best friend"" back in 4th grade. were so close that no one could ever separate us. you'd see us having lunches together, have tutoring sessions together, playing together, and everything that normal child besties do. but everything changed when we met our 3rd best friend. they started to hang out much more, leaving me behind but i didn't mind cus hey, i'm glad that we have more friends to do everything with. all went well until 6th grade. my ""ex best friend"" started to get distant; like she would always try to avoid talking to me, having eye contact, or even sitting next to me. i got really sad that time. what did i do to make her avoid me? and that lasted for months. time passes by and graduation was approaching. we had a little kick-off party for the whole class. i was a bit hesitant on attending the party bc i was just not in the mood for anything but i went anyways. not bc the teacher said everyone should go but bc my mom told me to spend the last day of school with my ""friends"". so i did. and that wasn't pleasing at all. when i arrived in school my other friends immediately asked me if i was going to my ""(ex) best friend's"" pool party the day after graduation. of course i didn't know about this so-called pool party my best friend will held for her ""friends"". so they were shocked as i am. one friend stood up and told me something about me and my best friend's 3rd best friend from 4th grade. she told me that she's been bad mouthing me from the very beginning. j just fell totally silent at that moment ad my world began crumbling into pieces. 
fast forward, graduation was over and time for high school. i was still down the whole summer and i wanted to get away from people i knew bc i would think that they were all gossiping fallacies about me. so i decided, no. i want to go to a new school for a change of environment. but it was not what i expected to be. i had a hard time making new friends and with a span of 3 days, i quitted that school. then my mom moved me to a high school in our town where all of my elementary classmates were. luckily, they were based on the science oriented classes. and i was enrolled to an arts based curriculum. everyone was nice to me and i started to gain confidence again. until a group of friends bullied me for years. so i found refuge in food. i began to eat a lot when i get sad, or happy. all was fine until i gained weight and my body wasn't pleasing to look at anymore. and guess what, those bullies started to pick on my body a lot more. they'd be shouting ""walk faster, fatso. you're blocking our way"" and shits like that. so, i started to eat less thinking that if i'd be skinnier, everyone would like me. years went by and i did lost a couple of pounds. i found myself happy again. 
now, during my teenage years, my father would always have something to say to every action i make. idk why but i just thought maybe he's just tired from work. so i let it slide. 
but on december 2019, my crumpled up world burned into ashes. 
my father and i were sitting on the bench in the mall, waiting for mom to finish in the public restroom. he was complaining to me about the agency he was working at, so i just listened and told him that it's going to be fine. but then he uttered, ""i wish i hadn't build this family too early."" 
that made me stopped listening to him and those words kept repeating inside my head. so he regretted having us? having me? or this family? like wth? we were a mistake? is that why he's always hot-headed with me? 
shit happened and i couldn't take everything they were throwing at me. the pain was unbearable to the point where i would shiver every night while crying. sometimes, i'd just contemplate whether to take my own life or not. but then i thought of my mother. i wanted to give her a better life and make her smile more. i don't want to leave her first because that would crush her. so what i do is sometimes, i'd just grab the nearest sharpest object and cut my wrists. it was painful but it was good. it is so addicting that everytime the pain was too extreme i'd do it again and again and again and again until i can feel the pain on my wrists, not the one in my chest.",severe
dev_pid_4153,"I feel like I’m rotting. Don’t know what to do anymore... : 
I liked myself in 2015. In 2016 I had a big breakdown and was hospitalised. since then I feel like each year I’ve been slowly rotting away, losing every part of me that made me feel unique or interesting, just becoming nothing. I think my soul died. I feel like an evil, awful person every day and that the universe is going to punish me for something. I feel cursed and like I can’t set goals for the future because I feel so sure if I try to do anything with my life something awful will happen to me and ruin everything. 
I’m feeling pretty hopeless. At this point I’m honestly not sure what to do. I used to be very social but I find I’m extremely overwhelmed by everything recently and have been isolating myself a lot of the time to decompress. It makes me so sad that I can’t follow my passions but doing anything positive just makes me feel guilty like I’m not allowed to be happy and that I’ll be punished for it horribly.
I’ve been told I have OCD, Depression and anxiety. I spend nearly all day consumed with ideas that terrify me. I’m really stuck on my obsession with morality and good and evil. I’m afraid I’ve done awful things and forgotten about them or sometimes I have upsetting false memories that are hard to tell if they’re real or not. Trying to be a good person is very important to me and the idea of hurting someone kills me.
I’ve tried lots of different medications and some of them work for a while but then seem to stop. I’m on 90mg of cymbalta currently and it helped for a little while but not really anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have a psych but they’re busy so I only get to see them once every few weeks but it’s not enough. I feel like if I have any chance of getting better I need much more intensive help or a big change in medication or something. 
Sorry for the rant, I don’t know if I’m explaining myself well, I’m just sick of feeling like this and watching myself slowly disappear and rot away. I hope that reincarnation is real so that when I die I can have another chance at life because I often feel like this one is ruined. I cut myself for the first time in a few months last night and then immediately felt embarrassed and guilty.
I can’t keep going on like this. Does anyone have any advice of how I can start fixing things? I’ve tried so many times and it always just falls apart again and I’m so tired.",severe
dev_pid_4154,"thoughts : had depression for 3 years now, but lately it’s really really getting to me. everything feels almost like a movie, nothing feels real anymore. i find myself having to faking emotions for people, happiness, sympathy etc. it is exhausting putting on a smile when you would rather be in your bed. i feel bad for the people in my life, i can never give them my full 100%. most times i feel like a burden to everyone, like they would genuinely be better off without me. I’d say drugs are the only thing keeping me standing. one day though, drugs will kill me. and for some reason im ok with that. i am super fucked up because i have that rotten perception stuck in my brain about life, about how there’s no point to life, and the second you die it’s like you never even existed; lights out.",severe
dev_pid_4155,"Anyone else see things out of the corner of their eyes? : Hello, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder.
I see things moving out of the corner of my eyes alot, sometimes it's in the shape of a human figure other times it's just black shapes it use to other happen every now and again but now it is happening everyday, multiple times a day and they freak me out. 
I was wondering if anyone else experiences these",severe
dev_pid_4156,"Anyone else see things out of the corner of their eyes? : Hello, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder.
I was wondering if anyone else experiences these",severe
dev_pid_4157,"A life rant : I moved across the country with my boyfriend 6 months ago. His work wanted to move him and we saw it as a golden opportunity to see a new part of the world together.
I had just completed 2 years of an engineering degree. I was miserable. That 2 years took me 4 years to finish. Those 4 years were a rollercoaster of depression & anxiety. I decided to ditch that degree.
Moving felt right. I didn't know anyone in our new city, but in all fairness, I didn't have many friends at my university anyway. My plan had been to complete an online degree and get a job. I quickly decided that doing a degree online was not for me, so I decided to start a nursing diploma. 
I'm a month into a 20 month program. I can't concentrate in class and the 6 hours of sitting in a chair makes me crazy restless. Days go by and it feels like hours. I crash in bed when I get home and sleep 16 hours a day.
Everything is going downhill. I've been switching depression meds over the past few weeks and I feel awful. I don't have a doctor that I trust. I know my boyfriend is stressed about my condition but he doesn't know what to do with me. I have no motivation to leave the apartment, workout, cook, clean, or study. I'm eating junk and gaining weight. I just want to not exist. I'm thinking about suicide for the first time since high school. I know I could never actually do it.
I just feel like I have all the tools to succeed right now, and yet I still just can't do it. It feels like every doctor I see, every person that knows about my depression, they don't think it's that bad, since I'm clearly showering, eating and not going to kill myself. They are uninterested in referring me to a specialist, even though the meds & therapy haven't been working. They rush through my appointment and print off an Rx for another antidepressant. Or raise the dose of the current one. 
What the hell am I going to do. How do I stop being like this. I just want to hold a regular schedule of waking up, eating, showering, going to school, studying, working out, cooking. Why does going through those motions make me want to die. Or at least fall asleep. Where do I go from here.",severe
dev_pid_4158,"TRIGGER WARNING-self harm : I've been cutting for about 5 years now. I do it much less in the recent 2 years but all my scars that arent from the starting year are still  prevalent in my eyes but not far away. They're kinda white ish ahainst my skin so when I'm wearing t shirts no one sees them,not even my bff who are aware I have them.
My brother this morning was joking around w me and he grabbed my arm. I used to panic real bad when that happen but I just tried to be chill this time but he saw the near brownish colored  scars and said ,what is that.
I couldnt relaly tell what other emotion he was portraying besides ??? I laughed and said stop and kinda jokingly screamed and ran into my room. I'm scared.
 I'm panicking idk what to do. Hes not stupid and he knows what self harm scars look. like",severe
dev_pid_4159,"Do you also get overhyped whenever you feel better? : Hey long term depressed guy here,
recently im really spending a lot of time and energy and money to get myself somewhat straight so i can live a life that i want. But as a result for the past 4 months i live on a constant roller coaster. I had developped some psychosomatic symptoms like headaches, fatigue and brain fog long time ago i guess as a getaway to avoid feeling whatsoever, but since recently i am all over the place. I can cry few times during the day because im tired and sick of myself and the world and especially coming back to the same states  of mind that feels so familiar  and everlasting. However i sometimes just click out of it (meditation helps a lot) but i end up at this somewhat overhyped state of projecting myself into the future how i will do all what i want and be like i want and learn what i want and suddenly things start to interest me and hope is alive. 
But. what is holding me from doing what i want   whenever i feel better is my lack of concentration and this overly happy feeling that everything will be alright. Like im too busy about thinking and projecting myself into the future rather than actually taking action, and if i do take action, i end up kind of feeling overly proud of myself like a kid who did something stupid that everyone could but still feeling special about it. i always feel like im everywhere but the present moment and its frustating and tireing and always leading nowhere else but to a dead end where the relapse is waiting. 
I was wondering do you people feel this too or is it my fucked up personality that is dictated by my genes or parenting ir whatever.
Thanks",severe
dev_pid_4160,"Birthday blues : It’s always around my birthday I get mad depression. It’s always either the week before or even the whole month. Birthday is on the 20th and I feel like I have nothing. I have no one so what’s the point right? , I hate feeling so hopeless specially when people usually are so happy and joyful about another year. Well I’m not. I could care less about the next year or the year after that. I got prescribed some medication, and I just don’t know how it’s gonna make me feel or how I’m going to react to it. I just want to feel normal and like I matter I guess. Nobody really cares and it makes it worse because part of me doesn’t. I hate being here. Just venting I hate feeling like this.",severe
dev_pid_4161,"I've kinda just lost interest in most things : Hi, I'm new here. I've never been diagnosed with depression, and I think I struggle way more with anxiety than depression. Over the years, however, I feel like I've been losing interest in life. I hate to complain, and I realize that my problems are tiny probably compared to most other redditors on this subreddit, but I felt like I had to get some of this out anyway.
Anyway, nothing really excites me anymore, and the only things I derive moderate enjoyment out of are EDM and weightlifting. I've been dealing with some shit in the past few years, including family health problems, social anxiety, addictions, etc... but I've acquired some coping mechanisms for these. However, I have no idea how to cope with a complete lack of interest in the things life has to offer.
The biggest issue I'm having with this lack of interest is figuring out what to do in school. I'm in my 4th semester at an expensive university right now with a major in Mechanical engineering and Computer science. I am doing ok in these, but I have very little interest in either and that's causing me to lose a lot of motivation and discipline. There's a chance I'm not interested because I haven't really committed myself to either/had professional exposure, but I don't want to be wasting my family's money on stuff I'm not passionate about. I have no idea what area of study I'd switch to either, as again, I have no other identifiable interests. 
Being stuck at home because of coronavirus has given me some time to think about this stuff, and I am trying to figure out what I should do. I wish I could just force myself to be interested in things, but I think it's a combination of anxiety, low self-esteem, and (maybe) depression that is preventing me from doing so. I was thinking of taking medication, such as prozac, but I don't know how effective that would be. What kind of course of action would y'all suggest for someone in my shoes?",severe
dev_pid_4162,"I haven’t eaten a proper filling meal in weeks. : I’ve been on Zoloft for two years, I’m basically on meds so that I don’t have such intense lows and possibly off myself.
I still deal with depression but it’s not nearly as bad as it was in 2018(my absolute lowest) sometimes I forget that even tho my emotional symptoms aren’t as present I could still be better.
I’ve kinda forgot how it feels to be mentally ok and stable. I forget that I can still take better care of myself even if ""I’ve been worse"".
I’m trying to become human again, making sure to shower several times a week, going outside and eating proper food. 
I’ve kinda just lived off instant noodles, grilled cheese, chips and snacks for a long time. I forget make proper meals for myself.
Anyway, I’m currently making myself some proper food and hope you all remember to care for yourself too.
Drink some water, eat a good meal and remember you can get better. You’re not actually stuck in a rut, it’s hard to get out of it, but it’s possible. Take one day at a time and do your best.",severe
dev_pid_4163,"Citalopram upped dose to 20mg question : And I feel pretty sick today. Not a fever but pretty bad. Also stomach aches and diarree. And with that corona virus being around. Is it normal when you up the dose the side effects will be there again? 
thanks",severe
dev_pid_4164,"Relapse after 4 years : In the last few months I've felt myself relapsing, and theres nothing I can do about it.  It's helped me realise a few more things about myself, which is good, but as anyone here knows any upside is drowned by the negative.  In life I'm lost.  I have goals I feel like I want to achieve, but truth be told I've lost what it felt like to be passionate about something awhile ago.  At this point I just go through the motions replicating what I remember passion and energy felt like, while apathy eats away at whatever I have left.  My friends are to busy with there lives for me to bother them with my issues.  My family has never cared about my issues, and would prefer to pretend they and I don't exist.  Work is the same as you can imagine in the USA, you're a cog they use till they see its breaking and then they throw it away.  I don't want to harm myself and am not considering suicide, nor do I think I ever will again.  But I  can't do anything except invision this person I want to be and wish I was, everday knowing I'm not that person and seeing how unlikely it is I'll ever be that person.  I feel like I've become a void and now I'm consuming myself, and I don't have the energy or the knowledge to stop it.  It doesn't help that I got depressing news today.  A convention I was looking forward to, after finally finding out 4 days ago I would be able to go to, got cancelled because of the corona virus.  Sorry for my ramblings.",severe
dev_pid_4165,"I really don’t see any reason to continue living... : I recently found out that because of the medication I’ve been taking for the past 10 years, I’m at high risk of PSSD (Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction), loss of emotions, Anhedonia, impaired cognitive thinking, lack of empathy, etc. Tbe risks are LONG-TERM, EVEN LIFELONG for some people. I take the highest dose for these 10 years as well, making me even more at risk.
This SSRI BULLSHIT just reinforces my feelings of being sexually worthless, and just not being a human being.",severe
dev_pid_4166,"Not sure whether to post in R depression R anxiety R social anxiety or R offmychest : I work in a cafe waiting on. Sometimes when I go up to tables, I can't say what I want to say, I structure my words completely wrong. This happens a lot when interacting with people I don't know well. The worst is when I'm asked a question which provokes an animated response, when they joke and I reply quietly, or with something that makes no sense. Very awkward for me.
I've started to notice that because I'm only working 1 day a week, I also do this with my coworkers. They don't often make conversation with me, since I inherently give off bad body language, I really don't mean to. I pretty much walk around with a guard either side of my eyes, always looking straight forward or as if I am distracted. I always have the assumption that the other staff joke about me, I feel like an outsider to the group (which also consists of returning customers). It's really difficult to fit in when I am like this.
I am very worried this is due to some unrelated events that have happened in the past. I think I am suffering from PTSD. 
I am hooked onto some thoughts about events that have been and gone. One of them involves grief, and without trying to get sympathy, is a very bad situation for someone to be part of. I will often use this thought along with others to conjure up a thought along the lines of ""If only other people understood"" - I think this is very bad, and I'm not sure what it implies for me. Maybe a personality disorder? Maybe I need to talk to someone about it? 
I wish I could be comfortable when I am not by myself.",severe
dev_pid_4167,"Caffeine alternatives to function albeit depression? : Hi! I'm diagnosed with major depressive disorder, tho my meds help me manage. The thing is, I'm pretty dependent on sources of caffeine to aid me in performing my responsibilities. The meds really work more as the shit that helps me get out of bed, but it doesn't extend as much to ""keep me rolling,"" especially with mentally-demanding tasks (as you know, our brains kinda bog down etc.). However, I'm trying so hard to get out of uni and shit, so I'm really doing my best to get everything done. In fact, I actually seem pretty ""high functioning"" because I do things that just helps me get shit done (assuming the stress isn't bringing out the worst of my MDD).
That said, would you have suggestions/accounts of things that keep you ""rolling"" to perform your tasks? I either go caffeine overload (coffee + energy drinks; going with just one of either isn't enough, has to be both) or just get depression naps. The latter doesn't sit well with me although it's really what my brain specifically ""needs"" considering the mental load my brain wears itself out from. I just lose 3 - 5 hours to those ""naps"" (this is apart from my lengthy night sleep) and it makes me feel emotionally shitty after that I've failed to do the task. 
Would just want to hear what you do to keep up because sometimes I get anxious that my physical health will start deteriorating (further) because of my horrible and excessive caffeine diet.",severe
dev_pid_4168,"I need help : Hey, first time using this subreddit i came across some posts about people with depression/motivation, etc.
I have trouble helping my girl who is diagnosed with clinical depression, it’s something new to me i never dealt with a mentally ill person or knew how to but i wanna learn and understand her more. First of all i know i cant fix her or make her snap out of it, i don’t know how to motivate her or what to tell her to motivate her if that will work so that’s why i need advice from you maybe you guys understand it better or had dealt with it. At first I’d tell her something like going on a good diet might work out for you or doing something physically but i guess that makes it worse. She doesn’t find a reason and tells me what’s the point of it? 
Any advice will be appreciated thank you alot!",severe
dev_pid_4169,Psychiatric intensive care : Hello I would like to open up about my mental health I’m 17 I was first admitted to a general acute unit but was later transferred to a intensive care unit in 2018 I was discharged in early 2019 I was diagnosed with depression anxiety and psychosis I receive community support weekly,severe
dev_pid_4170,Depressed : Been feeling low lots lately I smoke weed 24/7 as it helps but I just feel like I wasted my easy teenage years wishing I can go back to being in 2017 14 years old I’m now 17 in 2020 times gone so fast I just feel so low,severe
dev_pid_4171,"Going back to deep depression : I was getting better. I was getting motivated. I was enthusiastic. Both my mind and body were doing better.
I thought wrong.
I was told to wait, that she needed time. I still believe in her. I still believe that I still have a chance. However from what I am seeing, it seems that it was just all false hope. It seems every step I take that takes me closer just sends me further back.
All these emotions and regrets are festering in me. Slowly eating me up again
If only I've done a better job. If I only I had been honest to myself. If only I've had the balls to tell her my feelings. If only I had just followed my feelings. If only I had taken better care of her.
Regret is the worst punishment.
I don't know if I can take this anymore.",severe
dev_pid_4172,"I Need Urgent Advice - Feels Like I'm Going Mad : I'm not sure where to go from here.  I've been sitting in bed crying and writing my ex-girlfriend a suicide note which I plan to deliver to her tomorrow.  I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality.  And before anyone tells me to wait or sleep on it or whatever, that's what I've been doing for years and it has turned my brain into black rotting goo.
I have been struggling with depression for over 10 years.  I made the decision to be hospitalized for the first time last month and spent 72 hours on a psychiatric hold.  I thought I would finally get the help I needed or at least some direction.  It was a terrible decision.  I just said what I needed to say to get out of there as soon as possible, but it offered me no relief.
I have been on countless drugs and tried countless therapies.
No one can offer me relief.  There are no decent treatment programs in my state.  Only programs for substance abuse users.
Where do you go when you've exhausted every option? When no doctor or drug can help you?  When you have no options for long term treatment?  I can't go on like this.  Where have people who have hit rock bottom gone?  A person can only be suicidal for so long.  You only have so much inner strength.",severe
dev_pid_4173,"Starting and titrating up on medication - Advice for those struggling : Hello everyone.
Just wanted to give some advice to those struggling as they start medication for the first time or are increasing their doses. Since I had a very bad experience with side effects my first time using medication, I thought it would be good to share my tips for getting through this rough period as I try meds again.
Basically, I have three pieces of advice:
1) Go slow. Even if the doctor says increase every 2 weeks, for example, don't blindly follow that if you're experiencing bad side effects. Take twice as long if you need to. When I tried doubling my dose every 2 weeks like the doctor (and official guidelines) recommended, it was hell most of the time. Racing thoughts, insomnia, lethargy, drowsiness, muscle aches, etc. etc. My second go-around with medication, I took twice as long between increases and experienced only mild side effects.
2) Tiny increases. Many doctors (and official guidelines) recommend start higher than you may be able to tolerate. If the prescription is for 10 mg, don't be afraid to start at half of one-quarter of that dose. Same goes for increases. Many doctors and guidelines suggest making 50-100% jumps per increase. When I did that, again, it was hell. But I didn't know better. Don't be afraid to use a pill cutter and make smaller increases as you go up in dosage.
3) Divide doses. If you start feeling wonky after taking a dose, try breaking it up and spreading it out over a few hours for a few weeks until your body gets used to it. There are many who divide their doses into AM and PM, and some who divide them even further. If you're experiencing horrible side effects, you're less likely to continue using medication, and even if you're resilient enough to ride out terrible side effects, why torture yourself and put your job, relationships, and happiness at risk? 
Finally, just listen to your body. Even if ""experts"" tell you one thing, if you're feel like garbage when taking medication, go slow or go small.",severe
dev_pid_4174,"18 , balding and depressed : 18 , Balding and anxiety attacks
I’d like to start this off by saying i do not want treatments or transplants ect , I’m not sure why but i just think they’d make me equally as unhappy . I’m 18 and i’ve got quite a heavily receded hairline for my age and thinning hair at crown and top i know within a yesr or two my time w hair is up , and it’s annoying i’ll cone to peace with it for few days and feel happy then suddenly i’ll crash have a complete mental breakdown w a severe anxiety attack . I’m not a bad looking guy and not really struggled w girls but that’s w hair i have this image of me being some disfigured monster w it , ik people say it’s about confidence and who i am ect but i can’t help but feel people just say that..... especially for my age . There’s not a lot i can do about it i suppose it’s nature . I’m already in good shape and started the facial hair but i can’t help feel like this dark cloud is blooming over me , It’s annoying you see so many varied opinions some say it’s dating and social suicide , some say nothing changed some even said it’s improved and the reason i am so worried about dating is i’m only really happy when i’m with someone and i feel like i won’t be able to find someone . i just don’t know who i am anymore , i used to be so happy smiley and cheerful . i feel like i’m just staring at empty shell of who i used to be over something so fuckinh stupid . thank you for readinh this if anyone has i really appreciate it fuck knows i can’t come out to my mates about it and my parents sayinh i’m overreacting even tho my father was bald by 20...",severe
dev_pid_4175,"Depression depression : It's coming back againyaddayadda
I thought getting out of rural nowhere would help and it seem to have done something seeing more than trees and endless potholes and rundown townies
I miss having friends that'd last a while. That's all.",severe
dev_pid_4176,"Youth (teen) mental hospital cost? : I have been having frequent thoughts and consideration of self-harm and suicide and think requesting to go to a mental hospital for a bit might help. I’m desperate at this point because nothing has seemed to have been working so far. Countless therapy sessions, talks with my doctor, increasing and decreases my dosage of Prozac, I even got sent to the emergency room one time by my therapist so that they could take me to a mental hospital but deemed me ‘fine’ and sent me on my way even when I looked in the doctors eyes and flatly said ‘I have frequent thoughts of suicidal and yesterday I got the closest to ever cutting myself in my entire life’. The only thing really stopping me from talking to my parents, therapist or doctor about this is worrying about the cost for it happening. My parents already have to pay for so much shit that I’ve caused like my meds, therapy sessions, frequent doctor visits and that one emergency room fluke visit must have cost a shit ton even when all they did was give me a cold hamburger and took my blood. I only feel like it would be an even bigger burden which would only make me more suicidal honestly, which is a bit ironic since I’m trying to go to a mental hospital to get help for that. I’m from Georgia, almost 16 years old now. Do costs vary from area to area? If anyone has any experience with this, what is a general idea of what the cost would be. I have a job right now, so maybe I can save up for my own stay. I’m so desperate at this point that it might come to me just having to pay for it myself. That would probably take over a year honestly and I don’t know how long I have before I do something rash. I appreciate any advice with this, thank you.",severe
dev_pid_4177,"📍QUESTION: How do you get out of a downward spiral?📍 I feel going down and i can't go up. Every little thing triggers me into feeling extremely hopeless, overwhelmed, sad and lovely. : Hi. I want to know if anyone has any tips or go-to steps to get out of the downward spiral that is caused by depression. 
When I'm at my peak of depression I feel ultra sensitive at everything and everyone, waiting for the perfect trigger to go off. Sometimes I get angry, upset or sometimes I just get a straight up panic attack. 
After having depression and anxiety for more than six years I can't find a way to deal with this. The thing is, that getting worse each day and honestly I'm desperate. 
Thank you for upvoting or commenting on or your experience.",severe
dev_pid_4178,"Feeling a little lost/need someone to talk to. : Hey guys. Long time lurker.  New member. I’ve been browsing this sub for a while and wanted to throw a post out. 
As of recent, I’ve been feeling a little meh. My life is pretty okay I guess. Married with an awesome daughter, cars, toys, house, so on and so forth. I was recently let go from a 10+ year gig with my previous employer, but we’re fine. I have a new job lined up. 
In hindsight, everything is great. But I constantly feel upset, suicidal even at times. It’s a chronic issue I’ll dealt with my entire life. I take anti depressants, and have been clean from self harm for a few years now. As of now, I’ve been self harming for almost 20 years since it started. 
I feel like nothing is enough, I’m not enough, and life just isn’t enough. Everything right now is great, major hurdles in my life have been completed or resolved. But every time I wake up, I find myself asking what’s the point, or why not make another cut, you’ll feel better. And I do, until I have to do it again and again. 
I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell my spouse about this... I’m too embarrassed to tell any of my close friends either..I can’t tell my spouse because frankly, I don’t think she cares. Our marriage together is fine, I just don’t feel like this is something I can introduce to her, or really anyone I’m close with. Every time they ask about scars, I lie. I can’t bring myself to ask for help or a listening ear. I just don’t know what to do. 
Any ideas guys, or is anyone willing to pm me. I just need someone to ask me what’s wrong, with out fear of judgement.",severe
dev_pid_4179,"xpost from mental health: Wanting to move on yet feeling not ready to move on : I have this inner conflict. After talking to people with major depression resistant to treatment who have recovered, I feel like I wanna move on. They had severe depression which had no relief, but they recovered. I start to think, I shouldn't have any insecure attachment or codependency issues. I can move on like them, even if my appointment is postponed 2.5 months. The other part of me is thinking, can I move on from having an insecure attachment style to my mum? I want to be mentally stable and go overseas to work, go to the countryside, explore the bustling city. I want to ride scary rollercoasters again without getting too anxious. There is life outside a hospital and constant outpatient appointments. Probably black and white thinking. Its not an either or thing. I was so ready to move on, I managed to stay on for months on my part-time jobs, things were going well. Like I knew I got to a point where I didn't have serious self harm urges or suicidal ideation. I felt like I was healed by God too. (Christianity). I hated some parts of my past, but I loved some parts of my past: the clubbing, the rollercoasters, the events which I went to. I hated being bullied or left out or failing academically. But I loved it when I could actually excel in the modules I loved, and I could write about cool stuff. I was so ready to break away from the identity and labels people have given to me. But there are some events and situations which will bring me to feeling useless again. And stupid. Like accountancy or being in a social setting where I don't feel welcome. Like I feel, how hard is it to wait 2.5 months for the next appointment? Just live my life and do shit even if I don't have much of an income right now and wait for ncov to tide over before finding new jobs? Then the other part, is a child-like baby part which needs protection.
Can't touch accountancy at all costs, my ADHD-PI is making it impossible, even if I may have severe levels of social anxiety.",severe
dev_pid_4180,Why do I feel this way : I have had depression and anxiety since I was 8 I was diagnosed then” I turn 14 on Monday and just have no reason to care I feel so lonely even though I have my family that loves me so much but I don’t feel it I feel like I’m a waste of space. Why does my brother have a girlfriend and friends to talk to and I don’t ig this is life,severe
dev_pid_4181,"Hellooo, I don't know what I'm doing. : I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. At first I was just sad all the time. I'd cry over stupid stuff and I felt like the world was just crumbling around me. Then my mom had me take HER antidepressants then I actually got on my own and became addicted to this anxiety medicine. I ended up overdosing and ever since then I'm not even sad anymore. I'm not angry. Now I feel empty. I don't remember things well, I sleep too much, I sleep too little. I eat too much, I eat too little. I don't exercise but I don't like myself. 
That's it. That's the root of it all. I just find that I don't like how I think because it's so EMPTY. Absolutely mindless. But I'm too content to try and change any of it. My last therapy appointment was a few weeks ago. I told her I was content with being sad. Wanting to die. I was content. She responded with, ""Well, why are you here then?"" I was then counting all the minutes down to the last because man. What was I doing there?
What am I doing? Even writing this I just feel completely undeserving to express how I feel but how I feel is so hard to express because it's nothing. Most of the time, it's nothing.",severe
dev_pid_4182,I am manic depressive I think and I'm in the middle of an episode right now or earlier today I was bouncing off the walls through the roof with energy and happiness I know I'm so low it's like I'm below the Earth I don't know what to do what am I supposed to do to here? : ,severe
dev_pid_4183,"My battle with depression. : Hi all. This is my first real post on reddit. I had depression when I was younger. Under 10 I’m unsure of what age I was. Fast forward to 2016 I met this girl let’s call this person Beth. and my whole world changed. We had to secretly date cause her mother hated my guts. Some bipolar thing. I’m not sure. Anyway we were together and I kissed her and we were each other’s first. All the things. She moved up to New York to get away from her mom. She left a few days after my birthday. May 1st. I went and visited her a few times. I went in October then March then she came in may for my birthday. A failed surprise attempt. I’m always on top of the small clues. She went back a week later. She drove down for the summer like 18 hours of driving. I’m from Mississippi so it’s a fair distance. She came down, and it was clear she was not going back. We got engaged lives together had dogs, horses, chickens, cats, snakes, gerbils. All sorts of animals. We had a falling out one day and it all went down from there. She called my dad abusive all the time. She never met him, and was just going off what my mom said. That killed me inside because my dad died of a heart attack and the dog at the house ate part of his face off. So you can imagine how that made me feel. We had fights. We would get physical. I would try to calm things down and she would always jab at my dad which set me off. Let’s just say I didn’t take well to it. I always tried to make it up. We would bite, and punch. I wouldn’t hit her as hard as she hit me. I know I shouldn’t have anyway. I was filled with anger. I told her all my triggers and weaknesses. She used them against me constantly. We were in school for 2 year degrees. This last December she got her degree. She crashed her car so I had to get up early to take her to class. (She had earlier classes then me) no problem I did it without a second thought. After that we were getting evicted (we had till June to get our affairs set in order) she left and was back in New York before Christmas. I got fired from my job after this as well. So my life was terrible at this point. Fast forward to the 9th of January. She FaceTimes me crying. Ugly crying. She had slept with a guy and came to me because I had been her comfort the past 3.5 years. That was the first night I cut myself. Not to really kill myself, but to leave scars to remind me to never trust her again. I went to my care physician and she diagnosed me with Anxiety, Depression and PTSD. (Cause of my dad I’m guessing) I got put on Bupropion 150xl. I take 2 a day. Before all this he said she wanted to be friends but then turned everything back on me. It was all my fault, and I was the problem. I loved this girl. Took care of her singlehanded for 3 months while she get a job, and In school. I fixed her car twice. So now here I am writing this post. Class is hard, and I’m having trouble. I’ve tried meeting new people, but it doesn’t work. I have 7 dating apps and nothing. I am very discouraged and lonely. I miss the dogs. A few weeks ago the one we got together got ran over and she didn’t even tell me. That hurt so much. Her cousin told me at 2 am in the morning. (Beth does not have contact. She blocked me everywhere) to top it off she got her new dude to text me saying “We need to have a talk” that was the most childish thing ever. Spring break just got extended and I feel as my world is just falling apart. I have no social life. Playing video games used to be fun. Now I just find myself laying in bed scrolling through Facebook or IFunny. Even these dating apps. Nothing interests me anymore. Nothing at all. I got to my one friends house just so I’m not alone. I had to move back in with my grandma after all this. I had to move of of the house. Fridge. Washer/dryer. Hot water heater. Bed. Dishwasher. All the dishes and pots/pans I bought. Everything. It killed me to have to do all that alone. I’m not suicidal anymore. I’m just lonely, and need people to talk to. I’m sorry I’m advance for my spelling errors. I’m trying to make it by. My name is Joseph.",severe
dev_pid_4184,"Medications... : Hi everyone, I just joined Reddit. As someone formerly diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder when I was 16 (I am 28 now), I was wondering what medication you have found that has helped you manage your symptoms. I've taken celexa, prozac, effexor, zoloft, wellbutrin, lexapro, and seroquel. The one I've taken the longest and had probably the best experience is prozac, but it makes me terribly tired and sort of dulls me out. I'm on 40mg right now, but I'm feeling pretty depressed and hopeless. The current state of world affairs doesn't exactly help either.",severe
dev_pid_4185,"How many times until you found the right antidepressant? : I've been on Zoloft it makes me feel nothing absolutely zero. I feel numb and made me tired. It helped with my anxiety though a little too much. There are times I need to feel anxious, and this antidepressant didn't allow me to do that.
The one I'm on now is called Wellbutrin which is more of a stimulant (which is why I was switched to this one) but it makes me feel angry and impatient even though it's the one that worked the best out of the two. It helps with my depression greatly but honestly, is it worth it if I'm gonna be a ticking bomb? I feel like shit after I explode. 
I'm tired of fighting honestly. I never wanted to get on medication but I've got no other choice. I've figured my options are either this, an addiction to some drugs or alcohol , or suicide. 
I put aside my pride, and my preconceptions to get help but now here I am. Battling it out. Like most depressions some days are better than others but right now I'm so tired. It's hard. 
Let me know what medications have worked for you. Thanks.",severe
dev_pid_4186,Ahhh : I’m back on my meds and it makes me twice as suicidal as before. Just great. Also I’ve found myself thinking about my ex a lot more and it’s absolutely fucking with me. I want to just neck myself imma be honest. I’m so tired.,severe
dev_pid_4187,"Depersonalization depression #autopilot : I have just recently learned that the feeling of auto pilot that I have been having is in relation to the depression that I’m having about adopting a child. my baby is due April 25 and I’ve been having a lot of issues with the stress of the homestudy the stress of getting the house ready for the child. About three weeks ago I started shutting down. I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to eat much, and I didn’t even wanna go to work. The last two weeks of the depression was basically being on autopilot. This is actually called depersonalization disorder. When situation gets too stressful your mind begins to cope with it as if it were watching it from a different perspective, hence the term autopilot   During that time I quit smoking and had to be determined to make some changes emotionally and mentally. I’m really big on not letting emotions control you because I believe our emotions lie to us. But the weird thing about it is depression is not an emotion it is actually a situational thing. When you’re depressed you don’t feel. I need to be determined not to let this depression to continue to hold me away from who I am. This was gradual. But more and more I feel like myself. Taking control of my thoughts and my situation. Thank you God for giving me Google and the mind to put two and two together.",severe
dev_pid_4188,"my manic depression :  I have manic depression, it's like you have a constant conversation with yourself and a lot of times out loud. My girlfriend would frequently ask who I would be talking to in the bathroom for 10 mins out loud and I didn't even realize what I was doing,  it ranged from self-harm to even sometimes just planning out the day and conversating, but been prescribed Zoloft for 4 weeks and they are all gone I didn't even know that it wasn't normal I thought everyone was like that in a weird way it's like I'm free of that and can hear and see more clearly because my mind is setteled I was never alone it seemed because it literally feels like somebody else is inside your head speaking to you but mine it was just like an alter ego in my head controlling my feelings,  It happened one night where I went out with friends and was a little intoxicated suddenley it started speaking to me ended up in a hospital for trying to commit suicide than a pychward shortly after it was the worst but best time of my life because since then it's altered my reality and medication and treatment makes it so much eaiser best thing is to get help, i only write this so maybe somebody reading can relate and i can say you wouldn't ever of thought i was going through this was in a fraternity and a semester away from getting a degree have a girlfriend and  one night it just snapped and i lost 2 and half liters of blood and was getting surgery in the hospital if you think you are depressed and beyond sad and you can't remember what the weather was like get help if you are isolated you are not alone and things only get better  
Wrote this for me as a form of expression",severe
dev_pid_4189,"Rant: about loneliness : I fucking hate that I’ve been feeling like the loneliest person in the world because I literally have no friends or a boyfriend, I’m a fucking loser. I have one online friend who I’ve never met. I hate meeting new people because they always let me down. I’ve tried online dating and been stood up three times. I have bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder and PTSD. 
I’ve only had two boyfriends and they only lasted a month. And that was in 2017, since then I’ve been single and lonely. I try to meet guys but either they lead me on or reject me. I cry almost every night because of lonely I am. I just wanna be in a relationship and fall in love because I’m 24 and never had a real boyfriend. I don’t want to be 25 and still single. I feel like I’ll never find love because of my mental illnesses and no one ever find me attractive. I’m just so frustrated and done with this shit!!!",severe
dev_pid_4190,Meds : Im starting my meds again today... hadn’t been taking them and I cried taking them tonight bc I hate that my brain doesn’t function normally and u hate that I need medication. Makes me feel like I’m still sick...I hate pills,severe
dev_pid_4191,"Relapse :  
God you make me so fucking livid. Just the mention of your name sends me into an anger filled spiral of grief and despair. It’s been 8 months since you broke my heart on that doorstep. And yet I can’t get over you. I’m crying and singing to a song that used to mean so much to us, knowing that I can never go back to you. So tell me why the fuck my heart still yearns for you? Tell me why, I still feel pain when imagining you moved on. Tell me why I can’t do the same? Tell me, just please tell me why we couldn’t work it out. Why it had to be so final. Why I run back to you every time you cut out my heart and throw it to the gutter. Why do I like me better when I’m with you? Why am I so broken?
Every time I get like this I try to write a song to help me feel better. I hoped in some cruel way I could make money off the pain. Be known for hauntingly beautiful but depressing music. I dreamed of seeing you right up front of one of my concerts, and being able to sing my heart out to you. So you’d know just how much you hurt. Petty, right?
Ultimately, I know I’m broken. And I’m trying so hard to fix myself. But every mention of you throws me back into that pit, drowning in my own foolish love.",severe
dev_pid_4192,"""Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem""-an idiot : My dad used to tell this to me and I hate it. What if my mental health never improves? What if this is permanent. I've been dealing with GAD, OCD, and Depression for 7 years and I recently developed agoraphobia. It's not fucking getting better for me. Every year my mental health gets worse. Im So fucking exhausted. I dont even have any friends to help me cope. I'm alone and I hate my life.",severe
dev_pid_4193,"Suicide attempt ~ nsfw : I've had depression since I was around 9 years old, and through out that time I've attempted suicide around 6 times. I've had bad suicidal thoughts through out the whole 2019 however I hadn't attempted suicide though out that whole period (but cutting was especially bad that year as a result).  Yesterday I swallowed around 20 pills mixed with 2 different types of pills, and went to sleep hoping that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I didn't leave a note or anything and I factory reset my phone, I also properly cleaned my room and left some money on my dresser. I'm going to try again sometime soon and I just want some friends to enjoy my last few days. I don't know how to end this so yeah, now you know.",severe
dev_pid_4194,"Anyone got any experience coming off citalopram? : Hi, I’ve been taking citalopram 20mg for the last 4 days now, but I am seriously regretting it. I haven’t eaten a full meal since I started as I’ve been feeling like I’m going to throw up when I even think about food. My anxiety has been at such a high level and non stop, I can only sleep for a couple hours before I’m wide awake and can’t keep still. My mood has been so low I spent the whole of yesterday in bed.
I was wondering if I would get many withdrawal symptoms if I just quit it straight away, considering I have only taken 4 tablets? I would make an appointment with my doctor but it’s the weekend now and I really can’t take another one and add another day onto feeling like this. I would rather feel how I did before than wait it out until the meds kick in. Thanks",severe
dev_pid_4195,"Why do I suck? : I’m going to my doctor, I’m taking my medication, so why do still feel this way. I hate myself and I want to die. Like I guess the medicine is helping in that I dont have a plan or energy to do something, but I’m lying in bed thinking that I don’t want to be here anymore",severe
dev_pid_4196,My first time doing something like this : I've been struggling with depression for 8 years now. It really started when my grandfather died unexpectedly in his sleep. Let me add that my mom had me young so my grandfather was only 56 at the time. His death crushed me as he was honestly once if my best friends also . I saw him every single day including the day before his passing. To this day it still hurts so much. It has had a huge impact on my life I started drinking heavily. At 1 point the drinking was so bad I almost lost my girlfriend. I have since stopped drinking and me and my girlfriend are engaged but as I plan my wedding I get down bc I know he won't be able to see it. There's times where I just sit and tell myself I'm a fool to still be so depressed about a death from 8 years ago but I just can't help it at this point.,severe
dev_pid_4197,"I'm tired of hearing that my negative thoughts aren't true : I'm at the point where I don't even know what to say when I vent. 
CBT doesn't work for me because I know all of the things I think are true. Things really are that bad. 
I'm 21 and in need of dentures that I can't get, I'm a shut in, my last real long lasting relationship was years ago, I have no friends, I still live with my parents, I can't attract others attention organically and nobody puts effort into a bond with me because they don't think I'm worth it. 
I'm at a loss of what to even do. Every day I do the same shit and I'm so agoraphobic that I can't even leave the house any more. 
I'm in therapy and I've only had 3 sessions so I'm not really expecting results yet but I feel like I need deeper help than a once a week 45 minute session can give me. I need to be resocialized because I've literally been living in complete isolation for almost 6 years now.",severe
dev_pid_4198,"A Rant that I Made in 10/5/19 (Ive Gotten Better) : Why is depression even a thing? It's such a terrible thing. I makes tons of people kill themselves, sometimes without a reason. I had and still have depression. I know what it feels like or the general feeling of it. For me, it came out of nowhere. Maybe not nowhere but I dont know what caused it exactly. I can just guess maybe it was because I moved to a new state and am not a socialable person, so I just felt lonely or what. Or maybe it was because of my ""dad."" I honestly dont know, but I'm not here to talk about how I got my depression I'm hear to explain what it's done to me and many others. Some of the people I look up to have had depression like Suga (BTS) and Sultan Sketches. And mainly that's that reason I look up to them. They have lived through it and I hope I can to. Now a few days ago I broke. I cried and I seriously thought about killing myself. I've been better since then but still because of depression my personality got more conserved and shy. I mean I was shy before but never this shy. I avoid talking to people because I'm afraid I might do something they dont like or intrude on them. Like I dont want to make other people feel like being around me is a chore for them, so I just dont talk to others. I mean if I say something, I might offend them or just get to close to them just to be a third wheel. Trust me I've been the third wheel of many many friend groups. I would just be in the back following them and listening to them as they talk, but never saying anything. I have had some friends that I really connected with. Those great friends should be enough for me especially when I have such loving aunts, uncles, grandparents, and parents. But I still feel so lonely. I feel like I cant tell anyone about my depression because it would only burden them. You see I cant talk about other people's depression, but mine literally tells me I'm inferior to everyone, I dont deserve anything, and I'm always bothering others. This means I think thoughts about how this other girl is smarter than me and another person in nice than me. I want to die, but dont deserve that. So, I shouldn't pass on my sins to others and be peaceful when I'm dead, while they suffer. I dont deserve the peace. Lastly, the bothering others one means I dont talk to others because they dont like talking to me, I dont ask for help because that means I'm taking up someone's valuable time forcing them to help me out of kindness, pity, or just to help out their persona. Anyway I need to sleep. Oh yeah, so depression also made me depend on anime (wow such weeb) to essentially run away from my problems and or depression because it introduces me to another world for a few minutes and I'm only thinking about that world and not mine. This is why I gravitate toward books, movies, and anime that are action, romance, or sometimes comedy based. It also made me lazy (*lazier) by not giving me the will to do other things, helps (not a good thing) me procrastinate more because honestly I just want to go back to watching that amazing anime (I have an anime watched list. Dont judge) so I can be happier and forget about my problems. I'm such a coward, running away from my depression instead of facing it head on. That's probably why my depression left for like 3 months (not completely) then knocked on my door and said, ""Guess who's back??? Depression's back."" Anyway I have to sleep it's almost midnight.",severe
dev_pid_4199,"How did you kept going for so long? : I'm now had maybe 1 a half to 2 years Depression and read post on here wear people wrote about time spans of 8 years and more and I'm just amazed how you could last that long. I'm feeling like a complete waste of life even though I have friend's that try desperately to help me. But I just don't know how long I can keep going before I'm gonna kill myself. Which I'm sure about that it's gonna happen sooner or later. I'm sorry if some of you read this and get dragged down, not my intention sorry. Just needed a place to vent things",severe
dev_pid_4200,"I tried to killmyself, now feel even more lonely. :  
On  Wednesday night, I overdosed on Co-codamol and Citalopram, went  unconcious on my bedroom floor and my brothers found me and called an  ambulance. Woke up in A&E trauma room with an airway tube down my  throat and on a drip. Stayed the next day and night on a ward receving  NAC treatment and spoke to a mental health nurse for about ten minutes. I  didn't want to go inpatient, so agreed to ""home treatment"" instead  (I've been inpatient before and fully hated it).
Turns out home treatment means a nurse came to see me at home for 15 minutes, spoke to me a little and then left.
Now I have an appointment with my CPN in over a week's time.
I'm  just sat at home feeling so alone and forgotten. My family and friends  speak to me still but it all feels so strange, like I shouldn't be here.
I  don't feel completely safe and don't have any plans to attempt  anything, and I do not want to go back to hospital. What options do I  even have now?
I find it incredibly difficult to open up to people and it takes months to start trusting mental health workers.
i  know that if I went back to hospital or rang 111 for my suicidal  thoughts, they'd almost certainly put me back as an inpatient on a  mental health ward. And since I don't want that, what else can I do??
I feel so helpless and stuck, my chest is heavy and I'm scared.",severe
dev_pid_4201,"Mirtazapine gives me extremely vivid dreams. : Psychiatrist prescribed it to me to help me sleep (I’m also taking Trintellix during the day). It’s given me extremely vivid dreams since the first night. Last night’s dream seemed so believable that I thought it was my reality. Waking up wasn’t alarming, but it was definitely something else.
When I have these dreams, it’s as if a tiny sliver of myself is still aware that I’m dreaming, but I still can’t wake up if I tried. Last night, I dreamt that I jogged into a bad side of town and I was shot multiple times by a gangster. Instead of waking up in a panic, I took the shots standing. They didn’t hurt nor bleed. I took the AR away from the gangster and I shot him dead, two to the temple. He didn’t bleed either but he did die.
I’m curious about everyone else’s experience with Mirtazapine. It’s branded as Remeron in the US and Canada.",severe
dev_pid_4202,"Mental Illness : I suffer from mild depression, PTSD and Dysthymia. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and my self-esteem is low from childhood. Finally, after 10 years of that relationship, I started seeing a Psychiatrist and Psychologist. So currently I am on medication and I am trying to get better. But it's affecting my present. My present relationship with friends and my boyfriend. I keep on getting angry a lot on them and I want to stop it. I don't want my past to affect my present but somehow it is. It's difficult. They are supportive but there's a limit to everything. Right? Please help me out. My psychologist says that it will keep happening until I am healed completely so until then I have to control but it's so difficult. And when I get sad I go all in it. It's difficult to live. Please give me suggestions.",severe
dev_pid_4203,"I have bipolar disorder and a lot of chaos in my life because of it. : In 2017 a girl i had been dating for 3 years and i broke up. It was extremely rough on me. So rough, in fact, that i quit my job of 3 years, burned through my savings, kill my credit, and checked myself into a mental hospital for a few days. The doctor there diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and prescribed some meds.
I took the meds for awhile and jumped from shitty minimum wage job to shitty minimum wage job. I was only staying at these places of employment for a few days then id quit. I found the meds were just making my moods worse and i stopped taking them, and moved back in with my parents. I found a decent job that i held for 9 months and actually met my current girlfriend there. That was a hard time in my life, but i got through it.
Cut now to 2020, my girlfriend and i have loved together since july 2019 and we're really happy together. Recently ive been feeling the depression come back and i dont know why. I quit my job where i was making 50k a year to take a few months off. I burned through the little bit of cash i had in my savings and now have to get back to working. 
I have a job lined up, not a great job, but it'll definitely pay the bills. The thought if going back to work is crippling to me. I know i have to hop back to work to support my girlfriend and i, but it's a hard mental block fit me to get over and I'm scared I'm just gonna quit again. 
I went back to the doctor to try different medication, but after taking it for a month my girlfriend told me it made me paranoid and she didnt like who i was when i took it.
Kind of a subject change, but bare with me it's all relevant:
In july of 2019 i had just quit the job i worked at for 9 months. To pay bills i had to sell all of my guitars. Ive played guitar since i was 8 years old and was actually in a touring band for 5 years. My band isnt together anymore so selling the guitars was a no brainer, i had to support us. It was still one of the hardest things id ever done. I hadnt played in awhile and thought it wouldnt bother me too much, but it fucking killed me. 
I feel music has defined very much of who i am. In my band i played guitar, sang and wrote all of our songs. I felt attached to my instruments. My girlfriend is also a musician and has a guitar around the house that ive been rediscovering my passion on. I feel pathetic because i feel uncomfortable playing her guitar. She always says ""honey, we share everything it's your guitar too"", but, and i hope this doesnt sound shitty, i take playing guitar a lot more seriously than she does so i feel sad and awkward not having my own guitar.
She works at a national guitar retailer and gets a killer discount. She convinced me i need to get my own guitar again and i agreed, but the problem is we arent financially at a point where we can do that. She still ordered the guitar i wanted to the store and put it on layaway for a few months, but i dont feel like I'll ever be able to pay it off. 
My old drummer is coming home to visit in may and we are trying to get a show booked, but I'm scared for some reason it wont happen. We have a really good presence in our area cus we played here for 5 years, and again not to sound like an ass, but we always brought a decently sized crowd. Every venue in the area is booked. We decided we wanna play a show in our old studio, we've played 10 shows there, we didnt think our studio manager would care, but when we asked him he said ""I'll have to think about it"" which is fine it's his studio i totally understand that, but I'm still a little disappointed.
To make matter worse, we have to get half this guitar paid off before i can take it home. With only one month between now and the show,  my job not starting for another week, and all the bills we have to catch up on, it feels like I'll never get to play music again. 
My one creative outlet and the thing that means so much to me, i feel like I'll never get to do again. I feel completely hopeless. Of course the most important thing in my life shifted from muisic to my girlfriend and our small fanily of animals, so i feel guilty for trying to make my music a priority and all. I just sit and think about me and my best friends opening old shows with ""Tubthumping"" and the crowd singing along and having a great time and i just dont think I'll ever get to recapture that feeling again and ah fuck ive started crying as i type this out.
Sorry this post is so long. I feel hopeless and it's all over dumb stuff. Like who gives a fuck that I'll never play music again, or at least for a long long time. Who cares that i feel like i cant hold a steady job and dont know why. It's selfish of me to want to put myself first at all and i feel really dumb that i even typed all this out. I just dont feel like i have anyone to talk to.
Thanks for reading if you did read it.",severe
dev_pid_4204,"Esketamine : So I see my psychiatrist soon and in addition to other med. changes,  I want to request treatment with Esketamine (Spravato).  Individual cases with this vary, but according to my research it's game changing.  Relieves MDD symptoms within as little as 24 hours...that's astonishing.  I just have to call my insurance tomorrow to see if they'll reimburse (most likely with a prior authorization).
Even if I don't see success on it, it's better to try and fail than never to try at all.
Is it administered weekly?",severe
dev_pid_4205,"Fighting Loneliness : Hello,
I've been battling sevete anxiety and depression for years and have issues with meeting new people, whether it be to simply make friends or go on dates. I've been single longer than Id like to admit and can't find ways of connecting with people. All the friends I've made in the last 3 years since being hospitalized for depression have been online via video games, but even that amount is very small. I enjoy talking with them but it can only help so much. I rarely see or even speak with the people I know who live around me and it's starting to become too much to handle. I'm working full time and I can't handle much more than that. 
If anyone has advice as to how they have dealt with this issue, I would appreciate it greatly. Thank you for your time.",severe
dev_pid_4206,"Why can't anyone understand mental illness? : I had a bad yesterday. You know, the kind of day where your emotions are everywhere, you just feel angry, and you want to be alone. That kind of day. It's hard to have those days around family who depend on you to be normal. 
They got so angry at me for having a bad day. For not wanting to give them a reason that I just need to be alone. That I just need them to not mess with me like a child. That I just have fucking depression and have bad days sometimes. 
My mom knows I have depression. I've told her and she knows and I thought she supported me. But she's so angry at me for having a bad day. For not being happy. For not acting normal. 
I don't want to pretend anymore. And I'm not even allowed to have a bad day. I don't want to try anymore. 
I just feel so defeated. I could cry. I could sleep a thousand years. 
I don't want to get better anymore. I just want to give in. That's all I want. I just want to stop trying. I don't want to pretend to make my family happy.",severe
dev_pid_4207,"I'm so addicted to depression : I can become suicidal at any moment. I just hate my life. Itd be easier to just be dead honestly. I'm tired of it all . My family just constantly argues or criticizes me over small shit constantly. I have anger issues too which makes me feel like the scum of the earth. I dont deserve shit. 
When I get suicidal its such a strong feeling. At the same time its oddly comforting. I love the feeling because its rare I ever feel anything. It's like a slight adrenaline rush. Man I sound crazy but I am . Then when the suicidal thoughts go away it's like wtt was I thinking? Then 5 mins later it's back. Hahah fuck life",severe
dev_pid_4208,"My good bye. : After contemplating about living or not, I think I’m at my breaking point now. My girlfriend is going to break up with me. I don’t have a sense of self. I’m not doing well in school anymore. My best friend didn’t even say happy birthday to me and that really hurt. I’m so fucking depressed that everything hurts so much. So I am done. It was a nice run while it lasted. I just want to say a small good bye before I go.
To M- I’m sorry we are so sad and constantly hurting to the point where we want to kill ourselves. You deserve so much happiness. I love you. Thank you for being my crackhead. 
To J- It really hurt you didn’t say happy birthday to me. I understand you have so much going on, but that really hurt. You couldn’t even send a quick happy birthday message. Anyways, even that, I still love you. So much. I hope you and F are happy. I genuinely hope he paints a smile on your face everyday because your smile is the best thing to see. I love you. Thanks for sticking by me since we were 12.
To L- Thank you for being the biggest role model in my life. I have looked up to you so much since we have gotten close. We joke about being siblings, but I really do see you as my big sister. You have always been there for me no matter what. I’m gonna miss you so much homie.
To my family- I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I was a disappointing child. I’m sorry I was never good enough for you. I really hope T grows up to become the child you guys wanted from me. I still love you guys no matter what.
To all my friends- Thank you for shaping me to the person I was. You have no idea how each of your friendships mean to me and how they have touched my heart. I love you guys forever.
To S- I’m so so sorry I messed up and hurt you. You deserve light, you deserve happiness, you deserve so much more. I’m sorry that was not me. I’m so sorry my love was not enough. But, thank you for being the best friend and girlfriend I could ever ask for. You’re amazing and please never forget that. I love you so much.
I think that’s it. I really hope you guys get through this and not end up like me. I love you all.",severe
dev_pid_4209,"Depression and the Coronavirus : I've had depression for a long time. I've yearned for death for a long time. I have responsibilities that I will not abandoned and so my yearning remains. If the coronavirus were to come get me, what a selfish relief. My desire would be sated without abandoning my post. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't roll over. No, I'll fight to do what's right until my last breath... but if it takes my last breath, I won't complain. In this way, depression has eased my concerns about the coronavirus.",severe
dev_pid_4210,"I feel completely trapped in my life and have no idea what to do any more besides just dying : I’ve been unhappy for a very long time. I think some of it is because my life circumstances are horrible and some of it is just because I have depression and a bunch of other chronic illnesses. I can’t really do anything about either problem bc I’m completely overwhelmed and I have basically no support. 
Whenever I try to address my terrible life circumstances, it backfires and they get much much worse. I’m in grad school and it’s absolutely awful right now and I can’t leave and when I try to talk to advisors, deans, ombudsmen, etc their “help” is next to useless, sometimes talking to them makes the problem even worse than before. I’m completely dependent on grad school for income, health insurance, etc and I’m so physically and emotionally exhausted that I don’t even have the capacity to look for a different job. I’m honestly so incapacitated by depression that I don’t really think I can work at all but I’m not even sure that I can go on disability right now.
I have a lot of health problems that are poorly managed and basically no support for those either. I keep telling my doctors that I feel awful and have zero quality of life and they mostly just ignore me, tell me I’m a hypochondriac and there’s nothing wrong, treat me like a human scab and talk to me like a house pet. My therapist and psychiatrist keep telling me how “great” I’m doing and when I ask them where they get this idea that I’m doing great they won’t answer. I keep repeatedly, urgently telling them that I feel terrible and they basically just tell me that I’m fine and I don’t need anything. 
I don’t know what to do. Normally when you’re having a problem at work, you talk to the people at work about that problem and they help you. Normally when you have a medical problem, you talk to a doctor and they help you. I don’t even have the support of my family right now bc they keep talking about how “great” I’m doing and how I’m “so much better.” Whenever I say that I don’t feel better, I actually feel worse they just tell me that I’m stressed and that I’ll feel better once I take a vacation.
How the fuck am I supposed to make my life better if ALL of my support systems are offering me no support? Everyone says “ask for help when you need it” when someone is considering suicide, but here I am repeatedly asking for help and being told I don’t need it and nothing’s wrong. How the fuck am I supposed to refrain from suicide if I’m literally trapped in a life that makes me miserable and no one will help me?",severe
dev_pid_4211,"I wish i wasn't me : I hate everything about myself, i can't seem to do anything right. I always say the stupidest things, i hate haveing ADD, Dyslexia Anziety, and Depression. I wish I could stop thinking this way but I can't, i hate being a 6 foot 1, 16 year old who only is 120 something pounds, i look fucking disgusting with the way how my ribs come out way further than my belly. I look like such an idiot, i hate that i always look so emotionless, i also hate that i am not good at talking to others, i hate that other than my girlfriend i can't even seem to get/keep any friends, i don't even deserve a girlfriend, i didn't do anything to deserve her, im a fucking looser, i hate that all i do when not at school is sit in bed in my underwear, looking at YouTube videos or playing games. I hate everything about mw",severe
dev_pid_4212,"Super Depressed and I'm scared. : So I've dealt with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager, I was diagnosed when I was 16 with depression, social anxiety, and general anxiety. I'm 35 now and I have spent all these years managing my Depression and Anxiety without medication. But whenever I feel myself slipping into that dark place I always get scared. Will I pull myself out of it again? How long will it take this time?  
My husband has been laid off from work for 3 weeks and we are trying to save money for something important coming up soon and now we may have to dip into our savings to survive because we don't know if he'll be paid for his time off. It feels like the world is falling apart around me.  
It's been super stressful and I feel so alone. I can feel myself sinking deeper and deeper. I didn't get out of bed for hours this morning and I only got up because my husband coaxed me to.   
Every single time I try to reach out online I get shunned. I'm in a Facebook group for highly sensitive people and I posted my concern there, the post was removed. I posted it in other subreddits. Post removed.   
I read all the rules and I don't see anything that I could be doing wrong but it just keeps happening and I for some reason just keep trying instead of taking the hint that nobody cares and I'm such a screw up that I can't even vent on the internet properly.  I have probably overlooked something in this subreddits rules (since I'm a screw-up and scatterbrain ) and so this probably will get removed too but I just wanted at least one person to see me...to know I exist. It's weird I want someone to know I exist but also have the intense desire to just isolate myself and implode. I know what to do, I know I need to go for a walk, exercise and do things that bring me Joy. I'm just finding it hard right now.",severe
dev_pid_4213,"Is it normal to want to be depressed again? : I am about 1.5 years out of a 2 year long major depression. During that two years I was anorexic (2-5 meals per week) and suicidal/self-harming.
I feel guilty for having happy thoughts and feel like it would be better for me and everyone else around me if I just went back to my ways of removing myself from life and never speaking.",severe
dev_pid_4214,"[SS] I’m currently going through a hard point in my life. One of those, “I have a good life, why am I sad?”. I’ve been here before, with more valid reasons. Angst (concern of future and present), has been developing into depression (concern of the past, and indifference). Scratching to stay above. : **looking for peer support, kind words, and help.** scheduling an apt with my therapist ASAP. 
This will sound scrambled, but. I don’t have it as bad as some people here. I’m not suicidal. Nothing horrible has happened to me. It’s more of that, subtle baseline sadness that you can’t shake.
 I'm just sitting here by myself bawling and the idea of spending time with people is so unappealing to me. And that's just not me. It's horrible. I had an anxiety attack last week where I came close to passing out and I hyperventilated- which is usual. But I just haven't been able to bounce back since. The panic attack occurred because I was attempting to build my core, as I was on schedule to have a surgery that would improve my quality of life on 3/25 (cancelled since covid19). 
I just feel like I'm drowning, but I have nothing to drown in. And I'm just continuing to try and try and try to pull myself out of it but I keep getting bogged back down like a fishing bobble. Things keep pulling me under. Nothing in particular, but nothing is bringing me pure happiness as it has before.
I live in an area that **has the most greyest days and cloud coverage in all of the US**. It’s just gloomy. No sun. On warm days, it’s still overcast. Typically I’ve combatted seasonal depression with welbutrin, vitamins and tanning. I have avoided tanning, as it’s at my gym and once again, social distancing due to COVID 19. 
Anxiety is in the air but in conjunction with that. Anxiety to me is the fear of the future or what's going on. To me. And depression is negative reflection on how bad things were/are. And I just don't want to see my friends lately, and have no desire to do so. And like, i like those people and I'm social to some extent.
I just feel like if I stop cleaning, or moving that I'm actually going to fall into staying in my bed all day depression. And it scares me how close I am to that.
And I feel even worse, because I do have a really good life with good people. I can't explain why I feel this way. It just feels like nothing is as bright as it use to be and it hurts. And I feel like I've been a bad friend to my close friends and I hate it. I feel like I haven't been available for them. I have pregnant friends, long distance friends, who all have reached out, sent me gifts and “thinking of you”. Countlessly reach our to me. And I reiterate, “hey I’m not mentally there today, but please don’t stop inviting me out. I appreciate the invite”.",severe
dev_pid_4215,"I’m currently going through a hard point in my life. One of those, “I have a good life, why am I sad?”. I’ve been here before, with more valid reasons. Angst (concern of future and present), has been developing into depression (concern of the past, and indifference). Scratching to stay above. : 
**looking for peer support, kind words, and help.** scheduling an apt with my therapist ASAP. 
And I feel even worse, because I do have a really good life with good people. I can't explain why I feel this way. It just feels like nothing is as bright as it use to be and it hurts. And I feel like I've been a bad friend to my close friends and I hate it. I feel like I haven't been available for them. I have pregnant friends, long distance friends, who all have reached out, sent me gifts and “thinking of you”. Countlessly reach our to me. And I reiterate, “hey I’m not mentally there today, but please don’t stop inviting me out. I appreciate the invite”.
I touched on the obsessive need to control my environment, and how it drives
My fiancé mad, to never stop moving, relaxing, or taking care of myself- in the sense of things I enjoy.
I’m at the point where my fiancé is my rock. He’s expressed he needs to be able to take care of himself, too. So he can remain strong for me as I crumble. Plus I never want to go to the watering hole too many times and dry it out. I feel the same way about my friends. My best friend told me almost a decade  ago, “you only call when you have a problem”. I’ve since then never really call anymore when I have an issue. Sometimes. Plus I started calling for other reasons. For my family, I don’t want to give them more problems than they have. But they listen when I do talk to them about it. Just that feeling of being a burden. 
Here’s my obsessive cleaning issue that stems from it and drives my fiancé crazy because I’m a dick about it- 
https://www.reddit.com/r/NeckbeardNests/comments/filrnp/the_other_side_of_the_neck_beard_nest/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf",severe
dev_pid_4216,"Anyone can relate? : Hi, I uh found this subreddit. Kind of wanna just vent since I don't really have anyone to talk too. People are either really busy, or arn't really interesting in anything I haves to say. I gotten used to it, being alone you know. Taught me to watch people, and learn emotions and such. 
However.. there comes that price of feeling of worth and self worth is not being there. Or having any real value to anyone really. I tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago due to PTSD, and years of just guilt and loneliness building up. I got that one friend and then lost that one friend because i am fucked in the head from growing up without any real social group to be in. 
I did get called 911 after my mother saw how many pills I took at once and me just drolling on the floor passing out. I was put in Impatience for awhile about 3 weeks. Worked with some clinician and I did felt like I was supported, and liked. All the doctors that heard my story, and my experiences. I was told I had a big heart, a very big heart. Which I have a hard time believing in because of the things I done, and the things I couldn't fight back on. 
I guess another big part of my feelings is that I could never forgive myself, i couldn't forgive myself for not being able to fight back being sexually assaulted, I often feel like it wouldn't matter since I am male, and males are viewed a invulnerable, but it simply isn't true. I remember seeing terrors of people's eyes, and alot of haunting memories that just fucks with me. 
Anyway i do hang out with this group at school and when I just vanished for 3 weeks. No one asked the question of what happened to me, it was like I was a ghost. It really got me thinking if I really mattered or not. 
I get people do care about me, and I am able to do great things. I get the crap, but... I still just wanna be able to have friends.. like actually friends that can try to work through my bullshit I am trying to work on. And accept me for who I am. 
This isn't a pity post, this is a can anyone truly relate post.",severe
dev_pid_4217,"I Don't Know What To Do Anymore : Getting therapy is taking a long time, my anti-depressants haven't helped at all. 
I just don't know where to go from here, it only seems to get worse and worse.
One thing that really kills me is knowing that I can't rely on other people to help me get through it, it's up to me to take the steps in order to ""get better"". 
I don't even know what getting better means anymore, I honestly don't see how I could be any different. I don't want to put extra weight on people's backs, even if they tell me it's OK to do so...
Sorry for spamming this subreddit, I know I'm a burden but I'm really hopeless now. Nothing seems worth the effort.",severe
dev_pid_4218,"I don't know what to do : I suffer from 2 types of diagnosed depression, anxiety, & PTSD. 
I JUST moved last week, into a home with my new bf (of one year). It felt kind of soon to move in, but there are circumstances that made it beneficial. 
I'm in debt because of the move. So I didn't pay my insurance, I figured I could push it off for a month while I got out of debt. 
Needless to say, without insurance I ran out of meds an I'm not currently on my RX
And now, thanks to coronavirus, I'm on ""leave"" until further notice. No one knows when. 
STRESSed is an understatement. And the depression keeps hitting me in waves. I'm not sure what to do, if there's even anything I can do?",severe
dev_pid_4219,"Another failed suicide attempt. Things get better? MY ASS. : Again it doesnt matter what happenned to me, why I'm suicidal, because Ive lost count on the reasons. My earliest memories of my life, I was depressed, dead mummy aint helping. So anyway yesterday after punching the crap out of basically everything that was in my bedroom I rode my bike and went to the german railway, I took a nice pic of it and sent it to my only friend who understood and got (or pretended to get) worried. So I lay on the railway with some music and wait for the train to run me over. It came and I learned that trains have a very loud horn. I dont understand what happenned. I got off when it was like 20 meters away. I couldnt control it. It was against my will. When I saw the sunrise the next morning I was so angry, I wanted to punch the sky. And noone cares or knows. Only that guy on the other side of the world.
Oh and I am insanely stupid and a dirty little bitch, too. (just a reminder)",severe
dev_pid_4220,Does anyone else have depression meds stop working for them after weeks (not months)? : [removed],severe
dev_pid_4221,"I just had my first relapse : I was really beginning to think it was gone but as soon as I realized that I'm in a relapse, I realized that as long as my anxiety and maladaptive perfectionism is there, a relapse will be inevitable. I wanna sleep the day away but ik that's bad so I'm just passing time knowing I should do homework but having literally no motivation to do it and wondering when and how to let my parents know. Ugh and here come the passively suicidal thoughts: this is all too much, I'm just done with all of this, I wish I was gone",severe
dev_pid_4222,"I did everything I was supposed to : I did everything you're supposed to do when depressed. I started working out, I did yoga, I took time off for recovery, I talked to friends and socialized, I made to-do lists so I wouldn't forget important things, I stayed away from alcohol and weed, I even quit smoking. When none of the above helped I saught out a therapist. I met a psychiatrist who put me on meds. Nothing has helped. It feels like my whole existence is just some prank pulled on me by the universe: ""Let's see how long this idiot will keep going until he realizes it's of no use."". 
Thanks for my five minutes.",severe
dev_pid_4223,"Lost everyone due to my depression. : I haven’t talked to anyone of my friends in about 4 months. I’ve tried to contact them but I can’t hold a conversation. My depression has spiraled out of control. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I’ve deleted Snapchat and Instagram cause I don’t use them anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore with my life. I used to have many friends, now I don’t have one person. I’m confined to my room. In school I don’t talk to anyone at all. I’m so lonely. I love to be alone, but I fucking hate it. I just want to be talked to again. I haven’t laughed in so long. I’m physically numb now. What do I do now?? Just stay this way or end it? I don’t know.",severe
dev_pid_4224,"I reached a whole new level : I've been struggling with depression for the past 5 years, since then it was slowly developing and now I'm here.
I'm 17 years old, my depression signs are lack of interest, severe anxiety, loss of motivation, suicidal thoughts, self harm desires, constant sadness, fear and feeling alone while surrounded by people.
My city is now on a kinda lockdown, since the virus began, people aren't allowed to be on streets if it's not for work or something urgent, shops closed, bars and restaurants also and schools, colleges, universities.
I have a job, since the virus outbreak began in my country we were informed to not come to work anymore, for safety reasons, same with school.
For you to easier understand I've been busy af for a year now, I mean working all weekend from 10am to 6pm, and also extra at home. During the school days I was busy with everything, but not time for myself. 
As now I'm alone at home, I face my mental problems, with other words it's too bad, I play games all day and have a lack of interest in everything, I can just stare at nothing for hours, and I won't give a fuck, I'm sad, I'm feeling bad, I don't know what to do anymore...",severe
dev_pid_4225,"New to Sub, but Not to Depression : I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression as a teenager. I've gone off and on treatment over the years. Currently on welbutrin, buspar, and klonipin with counseling. 
I've been with my husband over 11 years. Last year he was diagnosed in his 30s with severe ADHD. Last week he was also diagnosed with bipolar. We've been living separately for about 6 weeks. I haven't told anyone other than my counselor.
Obviously things were spiraling badly for us to get to this point. He never physically hurt me but was incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive. It felt like only a matter of time.
I used to self harm and have passive suicidal ideation frequently, which my counselor is aware of.
My partner says he wants to get help and is set to start cognitive behavioral therapy and medication next weekish. 
This whole journey really started 2 years ago when I couldn't take his mothers shitty treatment of me anymore and our friend killed himself and I asked him to get counseling.
Now here we are 2 years later, all these changes and resources and everything still sucks so much. I can't even tell my family. They have their own issues and lives and are across the country.
Now another friend committed suicide over Christmas and all I can think about is what a miserable piece of shit I am with a miserable life and how nice it would be not to live it anymore.
I'm just really down over it all. I tried to be a friend to my partner but I think he just hates me. He lives in our detached garage and I don't know why he treats me the way he does. 
I just wish I had a friend or literally anyone there for me.",severe
dev_pid_4226,"I called crisis hotline and It was awfull : Let me explain something. In my country there are no crisis hotline or hotlines for people in depression. Every number which I found no exist already or doesn't work at all. I've broken and I cry, I can't explain this in english, but it's a that moment when you can't control your feelings, can't control you crying for hours. And you just being on that hard emotions and it won't stop. 
So I finally found one crisis hotline from other town. The woman who did pick up the phone. She was tired and I heard this in her voise. She sound like ""why you f*cking call me at 2am, I have a more interesting things that your problems"". I just can't breathe due I was crying, I start tell her what bothers me, why I feeling broken. And she even didn't try to calm me down. She just did everything, she did say everything to make me feel blame for this call. She did tell me something like ""you know what, there are people who in worst situation than your, and they don't cry"". That all turn me to past, when I was fourteen and no one cares about me, no one cares about my problems. ""You just feeling sad, deal with it, its a adult world, kid""; ""What f*cking problems can are you have? You didn't see the true life, you should stop complaining"". 
And I just found out that in my country no hotlines for people in depression or mental breakdown. No one can help if I will feel so bad in next time. And it's terrifying me. 
Thanks for reading. I guess I will delete this post in next day, cause I feel blame even I telling this shit.",severe
dev_pid_4227,"Getting sick of trying : Excuse the shitty grammer, I don't care enough to try harder.
'm 22F.  Diagnosed anxiety, social anxiety, major depressive disorder, the shabang. Cant afford a counsellor and the public service is useless (been through 3 psychiatrists) 
Recently I seem to be having more bad days than good. I think it's the anxiety that triggers the depression.
Had to quit my job late last year cause of the anxiety. Can't seem to force myself to get another one. Don't want to. See no point in it.
I used to self harm, thoughts have come back to do it again but I'm pushing against them.
Don't see a point in living, I'm not working, I failed college, I'm a waste of space. A useless 22 year old living with my parents (who are starting to get real tired of my constant state of shit mental health).
Boyfriend is great and supportive. Him and my family are the only things making me not want to end everything. They're the only reason I haven't and the only reason I'm not going to. Wish I could change that. There should be more reasons I don't want to die.
Really bad tonight (it's 1am).  Took medication to calm me down, typing this waiting for it to work.",severe
dev_pid_4228,"New here- I have a question : I have recently started therapy and medicine, and it’s been amazing. I feel great. Happier than I think I’ve ever been, and for the first time I don’t want to actively die all the time. However, the more I’m happy, the more I question if I ever was actually depressed or if it was in my head. Does anybody else ever feel this way? I look at my medicine and wonder if I really need it, or if I’m just imagining how bad it was before.
Advice please.",severe
dev_pid_4229,"Fuck hope. : I’m tired of hope.  I’m tired of excitement.  I keep on getting excited about things in my life and I keep getting let down.  I’m just fucking tired of it.
For some backstory, I have autism spectrum disorder severity 2 (moderate), ADHD, a learning disorder, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and a few other things aside from those.  The greatest hits parade.  I always knew I was autistic, and had this confirmed by a few psychiatrists, but never a formal diagnosis.  That is, until a month ago.  I finally managed to get an appointment with a great establishment that did assessments for free.  I walked in with just depression and anxiety on my official transcript and walked out with that whole laundry list.  None of it was a surprise, really.  After telling me the diagnosis, the Dr. expressed a lot of concern over how symptoms as severe as mine should have been handled starting when I was very young.  She had no idea how I had survived 26 years like this, and expressed that she wanted to get started with treatment ASAP.  I was super excited.  For the first time I’d start getting real answers and real help.  She said they’d get in contact with me about scheduling an appointment as soon as they could.  
A couple of days go by.  I’m still excited, I can’t wait to find out when my first appointment will be.  
A week goes by.  I’m starting to get upset and confused.  They said we couldn’t wait even a week to get started.  What’s wrong?
Two weeks.  I’m angry.  I’ve given up hope.  I don’t care anymore, and I don’t want to talk about it.
Finally, they get back to me.  And the appointment will be another two weeks away.  I was crestfallen.  But at least I knew when it would be.
Fast forward to today, the day before the appointment.  Finally, finally I would have the chance to talk to someone who understands me, I can be myself without fearing ridicule, I can talk to someone without feeling inferior.  I’m so excited.  Until I get an email saying all appointments are cancelled for the next two weeks because of the coronavirus.
Why do I do this to myself every time?  And why does it always happen to me in particular?  Within the past three years, I could count on a single hand how many times I’ve been excited for something and that thing actually even happened, not even taking into account whether it lived up to expectations or not.  Everything I get excited about falls through.  Every time I’m hopeful I get let down.  It feels like life is a kid crouched by an anthill on a sunny day with a magnifying glass and I’m its favorite ant to torture.
I’m so ready to give up.  I thought I was days away from starting my journey to getting the help and services I needed FINALLY, after 26 years of suffering, and yet even now, life finds a way to keep pushing the light at the end of the tunnel further and further back.  I guess I should expect them to extend the period they’re canceling appointments even longer than two weeks.
I mean, it would just be foolish to think something could go my way, after all.",severe
dev_pid_4230,"How does getting meds work? : At my last appointment my psychologist (not psychiatrist) decided that it’d be best for me to go on medications. We both agreed that we would try other options first and go to meds as a last resort. She decided that it would be best for me to go on depression medications.
How does it feel work. I know where I live she cant directly prescribe them, so how soon will I get my medications? I know she wants to talk to my dad and see whats worked for him since he has depression as well and has tried various drugs. 
Basically whats the time line for this sort of thing. I have no clue how it works and Id ask my therapist but its a late night question and just a curiosity I dont need to address outside of an appointment.",severe
dev_pid_4231,"Tools to help manage treatment resistant major depressive disorder? : I’ve been battling depression for 7 years with no relief. I’m currently in therapy, I’m  on my third anti-depressant, secondary medications don’t seem to working but I’ve only tried two. 
I want to know if there is an app or a website that can help me on really bad days. Somewhere I can get help working through my emotions and get general information and self help stuff. Anyone know if this exists?",severe
dev_pid_4232,"When the medical system couldn’t seem to figure out what was wrong with me, I sort of gave up : I was odd growing up. A funny odd, that got along with most people. I had friends in high school, but kind of pushed them away because I loved hockey too much. I trained all the time, and looking back it was a great escape for me. I had such bad anxiety, but there’s no discrimination on the ice, and I was simply the best. I felt invincible. The only thing I wanted in life was to win a state championship, and I dragged my team to a good seed in the tournament my junior year. But going into it I got my first concussion. I played through it because my whole life goal was in front of me, then I got another one. Then my senior I got two more. Then in college I got one, and played through it until things got... bad...
So I have “recovered” from all my concussions and am now dealing with post-concussion syndrome in my junior year of college. My memory tested as severely impaired, I can’t put words to my thoughts, and my anxiety is stupid bad. I cannot even be in a car when I’m not driving, as my heart will literally be pounding the entire time. 
So the only thing I’ve ever truly loved is hockey, I cannot play that anymore and no coach likes me enough to have me help them. I’ve never built good relationships with head coaches, because I’ve always been so close to defensive coaches. I’m honestly a ridiculously smart hockey mind, but that means absolutely nothing once you stop playing. So now what I’ve worked on my entire life means nothing. I forget what I’m doing at least 4-5 times a day. I use Waze to get to places that I’ve been to thousands of times. I miss several doctors appointments and forget to schedule so many. My parents and siblings treat it as a joke because I look fine. I have limited skills for the outside world, and honestly haven’t cared nearly enough about finding an internship. I’m tired all day, in part because I’m depressed and in part because of my head. I can sleep for a long time... much longer than the average person. I was robbed at gunpoint earlier this year and literally forget what happened and the DA is constantly bugging me about that situation. My friends only liked me because I was fun to drink with. Now that I can’t drink they do not like me. I have found more friends that I’m more comfortable with, but telling them this a few months into a friendship would be a great way to end up with no friends. I have IBS so my stomach is constantly tossing and turning. The only thing that settles it is weed, but my parents would murder me if I ever got caught with it. I used to smoke fake carts, but now I don’t really because I’m afraid of vitamin E oil. The gym is my only escape because I can’t play the sport that I love. The gym is now shut down for Coronavirus concerns. Ever since I got home from break the only thing I found wholesome in life are my two cats. One I knew didn’t have a whole lot of time left, but suddenly took a major turn and looks like she has maybe a couple weeks. The other was supposed to live for like idk, five more years. Today I woke up and she has paralysis in her back legs. Like WTF. 
I just needed to rant all of that out. You can comment if you would like 😊. And tbh the only part of that story that is exaggerated in the slightest is me dragging my high school team. We were a lot better than I give them credit for.",severe
dev_pid_4233,"Lather, rinse, and repeat : I've really been a depressive since the age of 12 (now 25). In my late teens, my anxiety became too much to handle and I reluctantly jumped on the psych med merry-go-round. I used SSRIs for a couple years and experienced some benefit, though never achieved full remission. Due to the emotional blunting, sexual dysfunction, among other side effects, I decided to quit. 
~ 4 years later, I'm still fucked up from the drugs. I suffer from anhedonia, decreased libido, head pressure, among other symptoms. The original anxiety is still present -- perhaps more so -- with an additional later of drug-induced depression added to the mix.
I've been trying to live as ""normally"" as possible with thes lasting side-effects, but I'm effectively faking my way through life. I'm in graduate school to kill some time, but I enjoy very little. Everything feels full and meaningless.
Every time I wake up, the first thought is ""not again.""
How many times must I repeat this draining, joyless day? 
They say you have to play the hand you're dealt in life. When is it time to fold?",severe
dev_pid_4234,"Aspergers,Depression,Anxiety and possible schizophrenic teen looking for a answer. : I’m some combo package when it comes to being all sourts of goofed up.
For a long time now people having been telling me to go to a metal hospital because I’m suicidal. One person has stated they have seen people like me die because all the thoughts. It doesn’t help being told to Kill myself at least once a day since around 8th grade and I’m a junior now so the thoughts got to me around last year. I don’t want to get help because people will think of me as a freak or a lunatic. I just need help please.",severe
dev_pid_4235,"A question : I’ve been dealing with depression for a few years now and I’m 15 at the moment , I’ve tried Lovan (fluoxetine), but that went terribly and I wasn’t willing to wait possibly 6 months for that shit to kick in, so I was just wondering what other medication I could try that I could handle. Thanks for reading :)",severe
dev_pid_4236,"My Life Ends Tonight : Goodbye, Cruel world I was recently hacked and I feel like ending it all.... I want to die and kill my entire family with me... My name is  Mark Friedenbach and I currently live with my wife and my child Bobby  
2235 Talia Ave
Santa Clara, CA 95050   
This is my current address and I will be killing myself and family with pipe bombs placed around the house   
Goodbye :c  
\-Mark",severe
dev_pid_4237,"I can't go on like this : I stopped taking medication over 4 months ago. My mom cleaned my apt last month because she was trying to help me and took away the remainder of my pills in fear that I might choose the easy way out again. I guess she was right in doing so. Anyways, I have been feeling really low lately and I looked up my refills and turns out I have 1 more refill for a couple of medications. I know it's not wise but I plan to go tomorrow to get those refills, not because I plan to get better but because I really need a way out. I'm just tired....of everything.",severe
dev_pid_4238,"Why do I do this? : Little backstory to give you an idea, I have dealt with major depression and anxiety silently for many years until it lead to a suicide attempt almost a year ago. I went to therapy throughout the summer until I went back to school and haven’t been to therapy since. I really liked my therapist and I want to go back. The other night I wrote out a whole list of all the things I’ve been really struggling with since we last talked (it’s a pretty damn long list lol). I wrote out the list so I would remember it (pretty bad memory loss from depression). After completing the list I told myself I would tell my mom the next day that I need to go back to see my therapist. Instead I just went on without ever telling her and not planning anything. I have to tell my mom because therapy is expensive and insurance doesn’t cover it (what a joke) so I would need her help financially. I don’t know if it’s the financial burden I feel like I’m putting on my mom or that I’m just afraid to bring this up to her and have her freak out that I’m gonna do something again. Whatever it is I don’t know why I can’t just do this because I know it’s what I need. And this is just another perfect example of all the issues going on in my mind. I don’t know, just needed to vent a little and maybe get some advice or motivation to help with this.",severe
dev_pid_4239,"It's been over 3 years and I haven't healed : I loved a girl very much. Things ended not how I had imagined they would. It was like a worst case scenario. My life has been a nightmare ever since. I had already been through tremendous pain before in life, but nothing compares to the pain of losing a girl you love. It took me over a year to stop throwing up regularly because of my twisted stomach. I panic non stop because of this girl. I haven't talked to her in over three years. I think about her non-stop every day. This panicking gets worse on weekends. I always have a suspicious belief that she's having sex with other guys, when in reality I know nothing about her. This suspicion gets worse on weekend nights when people are more likely to be out partying. The jealousy of me wanting sex with her is insane. I'm still a virgin at 22. I wanted to lose it to her so badly. My life is turning into me living at home with my parents with no job for an eternity. I'm very smart and handsome. It kills me when I look at my face and think about how this relationship failed. I'm always told that girls like me, but I can't grow an attraction anymore.",severe
dev_pid_4240,"My depression keeps being ignored...they say it's just ""puberty""...I'm 18...that's all I can say : My mother said that depression is 'just' puberty and that my therapist is overreacting with my diagnosis...I'm 18 so I don't think it's 'puberty'
I was diagnosed with OCD, PTSD and depression 1 year ago and it's only been getting worse since then.
I live in student home at college not far away from home (unfortunately) and my mom calls me today and says ""Yea...your 'DePreSsiOn' is just your hormones during puberty. Tell your therapist to stop overreacting because I have enough problems with my life already.""...of course I hung up and took 2 pills because I felt a panic attack coming. 
I literally have NOBODY. My dad is abusive, egoistic man who doesn't care about anyone but himself and my mom. I have no friends because of social phobia and anorexia, depression etc...I guess they are all scared of me somehow. My grandma passed away, my grandfather is abusive too and everyone else is either dead or too far away. 
I am losing my mind and I need someone...I feel like attention seeker so that's why I always say ""I'm fine"" and shit but I'm not fine or okay...I started self harm again and I ended up on ER last week. I didn't tell this to anyone yet and I feel like shit.
Thank you to anyone who reads this or tries to help. You can just say hi....It'd mean a lot ❤",severe
dev_pid_4241,"""When Prozac no longer helps"" : [removed]",severe
dev_pid_4242,"I don't know what to do. : Hey, guys. I've been on antidepressants for two and a half months. Problem is, he helped me out before, but now it's like I'm a kid, I'm still sick with another disease, but not a mental one. I want to emigrate from Russia to the U.S., because it has become impossible to live in Russia (moderators pls don't delete, I will explain everything gradually). I have panic attacks, claustrophobia, I don't recognize my relatives and it seems that I am in some kind of game. I write short songs and put them on the soundcloud, in comments I will include a link. Why did I write it all to? I'm very scared, constant thoughts of suicide and even fear disappeared before death. I can't work, I try to do it remotely, I don't know what to do anymore, I don't ride public transport, I want to run away from the crowd with screams at once. All I do now is write music, it gets much worse by the evening. After you leave the computer, everything seems to be computerized.",severe
dev_pid_4243,"Another blow from life : I've had major depression and anhedonia for more than 5 months...with the quarantine now it got so much worse. I finally felt like I could talk to people. Next day I wake up and quarantine was announced.
1 step forward and 4 steps back...",severe
dev_pid_4244,"How do I get through this ? : I have been depressed for the past two years . I ignored it n tried to move on n it worked whenever i was around other people but whenever im alone, i cry over every stupid little thing . Has anyone ever felt this way ? This temporary  cure of depression ?",severe
dev_pid_4245,"Is this normal? : I have been diagnosed for about 3 years now, but I get these periods of times where I’m super depressed, this can last for 2-3 months sometimes longer but I also get stages of being ok and not depressed, I am starting to be in the stage of not depressed and it’s confusing me weather this is normal or not and if I have just been lying, this is causing a lot of fucking stress.",severe
dev_pid_4246,"I'm starting Zoloft but feel hopeless : I've been on a SSRI before 2 years ago and while it helped somewhat, it made me apathetic and more bored with life. However it worked great paired with my old ADHD meds. I just feel so anxious and exhauted because I feel out of control and my psych won't prescribe ADHD meds right now, my OCD and depression has been getting worse so I just accepted Zoloft.. But I feel like I won't be satisfied with Zoloft and my psychiatrist is literally gonna get mad at me when she knows that.",severe
dev_pid_4247,"My antidepressants keep wearing off. : This afternoon I'm going to see my doctor because my antidepressants stopped working. This is the third time in less than a year that this has happened. They'll work fine at first. I'll know they're working because I'll feel *good*, and actually driven to do productive stuff. But after a few months I can feel myself sinking back down into depression and not wanting to do anything but sleep away all my free time.
Is this going to keep happening? Having to take stronger and stronger drugs every few months just to keep from feeling like trash?",severe
dev_pid_4248,"I've been extremely depressed for the past year and the one thing I had to look forward to was my vacation, which has now been cancelled and I don't know how I'm supposed to handle everything anymore : Throwaway account because I'm too much of a bitch to post on my main.
I'm 20 years old, had to drop out of college after one year because I'm too poor, have been working an extremely dead-end job for the past six months and just don't know what to fucking do anymore.
I went to college for one year but had to drop out because I couldn't afford it. I have zero friends, and my job is overnights for 10 hours, four days on four days off and only pays minimum wage. I'm male and I work with five ladies who are all each over 40 so there's zero fucking connection between them and me. I don't have a car yet so I'm still stuck at this job for at least another couple of months until I can get one because I'm getting carpooled right now. My only friend moved to Mississippi a few years back and we've been growing more distant and hardly have anything in common anymore. When I'm not at work the only thing I want to do is sleep and I get very little enjoyment out of activities that I used to love, and on days I don't work it's hard to force myself to do anything. My parents are poor so they can't afford to put me on their health insurance and I can't afford it myself. 
The one thing I had to look forward to was a vacation to Portland that I've been planning for over six months, but now due to all this Coronavirus bullshit I have to reschedule. I can reschedule my plane tickets but my AirBnB was booked outside of the refund date so there's $300 down the fucking drain.
I don't know what I'm supposed to fucking do anymore. That was the one fucking thing I had going for me and now that's been fucking taken away from me as well.",severe
dev_pid_4249,"I just need to get this off my chest : 2 months ago I quit my job because I was depressed and if I didn’t get serious help I wouldn’t be here. After two failed attempts in a year and some time, I thought I was doing okay but then it hit me harder then ever. I strung it out until I made that decision. I was at a stage where the only thing that calmed me was knowing the end was coming, I was counting down the days. I cleaned out my belongings, I wanted to make things easier for my parents. 
With four days to go I panicked, what if I wasn’t successful? So many thoughts running through my head. A trip to the ER and I found myself in a psych facility. Diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, bipolar and PTSD and a mixed cocktail of medication I left three weeks later. 
It’s been five weeks since I was discharged and I still feel so fucking dead on the inside. I don’t sleep. I struggle to leave the house. I have zero interest in anything. I don’t function. I don’t know who I used to be before any of this, I’m lost. 
I need to see a psychologist but I the thought of bringing up some of the things I’ve been bottling up inside is terrifying. Past trauma consumes me, I want to let go but I just can’t.  
I don’t know what to do. All I ever wanted was for the good days to outnumber the bad, right now I don’t want either. 
I’ve accepted that I may not see my friends get married, I won’t get to celebrate my loved ones birthdays and see my nieces and nephews grow up. I know I’ll break my parents hearts, but I can’t do this anymore.",severe
dev_pid_4250,"Venting : 
HI I'm 17 and new to all this. I was diagnosed in October with anxiety and depression. A friend told me about all of you and that it was a safe place to vent and descus things that are bothering me. So hi. Background = I was bulied up until about 7th grade because I'm dislexik, I also have insomnia witch makes my siptums worse. 
 I know that all this isn't sumthing that just gose away, and from what I understand about my family is that cronic anxiety/depression runs in it. My grandpa has it my mom has it and as of October I was diagnosed. My grandpa has it very mild and dusant Evan need a prescription, but my mom has been on a prescription seance Colige. I am 17 and have the worst case than the other 2. The med I was on before was to control my insomnia. After about 2 months I built a Imunity to them and thay stopped working
The meds I'm on naw are supposed to control my anxiety and depression, and I think thay are working but I'm tarified that thay will stop working and then I won't feal""normal"" as my class mates keep saying. I deal tarified that thal stop working.
You have no idea haw bad I'm shaking just typing this out. I don't like talking about any of this because the ferst few times I brout this up I was told to F off and that I just wanted atintion.
Thanks for listening
Please ignore the spelling",severe
dev_pid_4251,"I don't know who I am. What's wrong with me? : I have no clue who I am or what I'm doing with my life. I don't truly know myself. I don't know what I like or dislike. I don't know what my values are. I have no opinions of my own.  I have no passions. I have no skills. I have no talents. I don't know anything about myself.  I don't even know what my dreams or goals are for my future.
Is there something wrong with my brain?  It's like I'm a robot. All I can truly say I know about myself is that I exist and that's it. I don't know I'm just kind of terrified from the realization that I'm so fucking lost. Will I ever know who I am? Or am I too far gone in the sense that I polluted my mind or something with others thoughts and ideas or fear/anxiety and never developed a sense of self? I can fake being someone but WHO AM I REALLY? I'm 19 and feel like my lifes is slipping away from me. Like someone else is living it for me. Like there is no ""me"". Like I'm just observing someone else live my life.
This is so fucking scary and I need help.",severe
dev_pid_4252,"Life story and deppresion story and my life after going to a mental hospital : (I am sorry for my bad english its my second languag)
So here it goes i have depression i had depression since i was about 10 years old  it is awfule i think about suicide every day i even tride to do it but am a coward i do selfharm in other ways tho my family situation is really bad but my mental health is even worst last year i went to a menta health institution i stayed there fot about 3 months it was really bad the kids there didnt like me and i didnt like them i just wanted to be alone and they were assholes about it  and the nurses werent good either my health just got worst it was like a prison i just wanted to go home everyone was making a big deal about it and they coudnt belive that a good kid like me had depression they treated me like i was i complete idiot and a crazy person they gave me some hard antidepressants but they just made me not feel anything i took them because i just wanted to go home because again it was like a PRISON my teachers came to the hospital and made me feel just i cant explain it but it was just weird i was grateful  tho before i got out the doctors promist me my parents were going to change with me i had faith i was going to get better i promist myself i woldnt cut and i would take my medicine whene i got out everything got worst my teachers treated me like i was a nut job my one friend that i had replaced me i had 0 friends i still have 0 friends i feel soo alone i just want to be alone allll day my parents just cry because as they say i ruind their lifes my other family members just criticise me when ever they see me everybody thinks i am getting better but i am not all i do is eat my fellings away i was 48kg now i am 90kg i just wanna kill myself but i am REALLY trying to turn my life around i been trying to not care what others think about to be more open to try make friends and go to the gym i completely stoped caring about my parents because i know they only care about themselfs i know its bad of me to say that bur when i am around them i just feel completely useless and like i dont belong on this planet i have tried to increase my medicine but it just doesnt work so i have stoped taking it at all because i feel nothing not sad or happy or mad just blank i cant cry nor smile but i still feel worthless and i still think about suicide i just think i am not in a good place with good people i feel like when i am on my own i will be happier or at least with peoplle i love for now i guess i am just going to be sad maybe it will change or maybe not who knows 
Thank you for listining to my story :)",severe
dev_pid_4253,"It's not getting better : Just left a psych ward. It's been almost half a year now and it's not getting any better. It just gets worse as I keep losing hope really. I just don't see any light in the tunnel, I don't know what to do. I can only pray I die in my sleep.",severe
dev_pid_4254,"What do I even do at this point? : Long story short, 29 year old man, elementary school teacher, war veteran, severe depression and mild PTSD since I was 5 or 6 from prolonged childhood trauma, been in therapy half my life, failed 24+ different antidepressants as well as TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) therapy.  My life has been horrible throughout these almost 3 decades, but I've managed to make something of myself; I have a legitimate bootstrap story - grew up poor and abused, abandoned by my dad, joined the military to get away from all that, etc and still grew up to become the first homeowner in my family at 24 (this is a huge feat for American millennials).  I still own the same house, I drive a fun car, I'm very talented, I have good friends, and I have a good job.  I'm also tall and well-built, not bad to look at, fairly healthy and athletic, and have a full head of hair, all of which is a lot more than a lot of my peers can say.
And yet, I am in so much unbearable pain that I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  I finally beat alcoholism a few months ago, but I've had multiple suicide attempts over the last 10 years.  Literally nothing makes me happy and I am constantly fighting tears and aggressive suicidal urges.  I space out (dissociate) at work so much that I just got demoted for poor performance and have been caught staring at random people without realizing.  I am a constant source of worry for my friends and family, and I am a constant burden on my bosses and coworkers.  That's not the depression talking.
I've wanted to die for years.  I don't want to get married or have kids or any of that.  I don't want to work.  I don't want to go on vacations.  I just want to die so the agony can stop.  I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want the pain to go away.  The memories and the pain are just unbearable and living with them has rendered life devoid of dignity and enjoyment.  The tiniest things make me explode while the big things leave me apathetic.  I just don't care about anything anymore.
I go to therapy weekly, but I'm pretty sure my therapist doesn't know what to do with me anymore (I've had therapists and psychiatrists tell me that before).  I feel like something inside is broken or missing.  I can't enjoy life or connect with new people.  My only states of mind are annoyed and relieved.  I don't want to be here anymore and haven't in a long time.  But my suicide would destroy my mom, who has been through too much in life.  I can't do that to her even if I'm starting not to care anymore.  
What do I do?  Is it just always going to be like this?  I don't remember what happiness feels like.  I'm always either numb or so sad/angry that I want to cry but can't.  I feel like a ghost wandering the Earth, detached from this plane yet still connected by a snagged thread.  I feel so hopeless and scared all the time and it's getting harder and harder to mask it when I go to work.",severe
dev_pid_4255,"I'm going back to the hospital : I finally told my mom I was feeling suicidal, so she decided to take me to get another evaluation and to be admitted. I've been out of the hospital for 2 years, and I thought I was doing okay, but the last 3 months have been so hard to get through. I won't be back for at least 2 weeks... wish me luck",severe
dev_pid_4256,"Accidentally took 600mg of Wellbutrin XL when I was only supposed to take 300mg. : I thought today was a different day for some reason and saw my pill case still had the tablet in it so I took it. Turns out today isn't Tuesday and I took 2x of what I'm supposed to. I made myself throw up in the shower but I'm unsure if it came up. 
Am I alright? Should I skip next mornings tablet? I looked up similar situations and the side effects are worrisome.",severe
dev_pid_4257,"I dont understand myself : 
For 3 years i feel suicidal but recently realised something could might be wrong
i always treated my suicidal behaviours as a joke and now i think it was because i never really wanted to think abt it 
i made people laugh w that jokes and probably they dont take me seriously at this point. They are not guilty i mean i still look pretty normal around them but at home when i’m alone i cant stop but crying. if i dont cry i look at the ceiling who knows how long i lose track of time. 
i get angry at the smallest things so my relationship with my family is going bad. my grades are lowering and for all my life l’ve been a model student, my family is angry about that. They say i’m lazy but i cant get up and do anyting. Showering, eating easiest things are so hard to do. whenever i try to eat something and it makes me sick, i leave them after 1-2 bites. 
even if i act normal around my friends i dont want them around me anymore. i dont want to see anyones face. i feel like a burden to myself, i cant imagine the other day. i get home from school and sleep, i am always tired. i cant sleep peacefully, even the fridge’s click nose makes my heart go wild. i lie there, literally nothing happens and my heart beats like i newly got from running. when noises dont disturb me i still wake up in every 30 minutes, struggle to go to sleep and this happens till my alarm goes off. 
but at the end i feel like faking it just for attention. whats happening?
Sorry for the grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors im tired and writing this in a really bad mood at 2am",severe
dev_pid_4258,"Thank god I'm on antidepressants right now. : Been on fluoxetine for 8 days now. Had a few side effects but also a boost in energy and mood, which ofc I'm hoping will continue. These energy bursts have been helping me clean/tidy and get to work. Today was not a good day as I did not get enough sleep and got in a huge panic spiral about coronavirus. Today I feel exhausted just thinking about trying to keep my house clean to reduce the likelihood of infection. I hope things keep improving as they have been doing and I have the strength to stay vigilant and protect myself and my parents (who I live with) from the worst of this virus.",severe
dev_pid_4259,"Feeling absoluetly worthless : Diagnosed with OCPD, and major depressive disorder. I am writing this because I don't have access to proper psychotherapy, and I am not allowed to take medication as they have side effects. I am feeling absolutely worthless tonight, I want to sleep and not do anything. The only good thing about my whole week is the pizza I order on Saturday, and that is the only motivation for me to keep fighting through the week. I am emotionally numb, I only feel low. I have lost friends, and currently have no friends at all due to me being so dull and quiet all the time. I am always immersed in my thoughts, and I have no real talent or ambition of any sort. My teachers say I am a failiure and want me to get me to stop taking their classes (I had excellent grades previously but due to my OCPD my grades fell and i cant concentrate in class hence resulting in answering wrong everytime they ask something.) I see everyone around me having fun each day, hanging out, while I am just wasting my life away. I desire to sit in home all day, eat, and waste my life away and eventually die a mess. I dont feel sad, I feel slightly low. My parents think I am happy and my condition is getting better apart from some of the obsessions I have, but it isn't true. I am breaking down emotionally, mentally, and physically. I cannot take this anymore.",severe
dev_pid_4260,"My Depression Complexity : Here’s my horror story: 
My father was never in the picture. At age 7 my mom had a new boyfriend and from ages 10-13 he sexually harassed me, molested me, and verbally abused me; calling me ugly, etc. When I told my mom, she kicked him out; but I suppose my child subconscious hid the fact that he shortly after came back. I’ve been suffering depression ever since. Low self esteem, antisocial behavior, miserable. It wasn’t until my late teens that I’d remembered what happened and why I was like this. 
Fast forward to age 25- I suffered a mental breakdown once being severely depressed for months. I was in a manic state for about a months time. Hospitalized twice within that month. A time in which my subconscious decided to reveal something else eating at me. I remembered that At age 11 I’d sexually abused my half brother which was 7 at the time (he has another father) I feel sick. I feel like a monster. I also realize though that this was a result of the environment I was in but can’t help but blame myself anyway. 
My mom is still with my “stepfather” and they have two sons. Brothers whom I have to pretend I’m okay because they don’t know what he did to me. Everyone that knows pretends it never happened. While I suffer silently and feel as if under water slowly drowning. 
Im now 28. I’m a single mother of two children. What on earth do I do? The world seems to be crashing in on me.",severe
dev_pid_4261,Depression caused by anxiety. : I’m starting to develop depression which I had before I think it’s being triggered by the constant anxiety that I feel. Sometimes I don’t want to get up just because I know I’m going to have an anxiety attack that day. Sleeping not being alive just sound so much better. It’s like life is a game that I’m tired of playing and just want to turn it off.,severe
dev_pid_4262,"I’m trying to scale down my depression naps. : I have chronic depression, and it makes me sleep A LOT. I usually sleep about 10 hours a night and then I nap up to 5 hours a day. My therapist and I have been discussing this and we want to work on scaling them down. I’m excited to try it, but the only problem is I have an extremely hard time trying to move when I wake up. I’ve heard of people sniffing ammonia or squeezing a stress ball to get the blood flowing. Any suggestions?",severe
dev_pid_4263,"I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow, any advice? : After putting it off for so long I finally made an appointment with my local GP regarding my mental health issues. I'm 20 and have fit the criteria for depression since I was 16 I would say. I have experienced: Low mood, loss of interest in almost all activities I used to enjoy, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts (not often). The suicidal thoughts tend to occur more in the winter time, in the summer months I actually feel a bit better. I guess the main symptom is chronic apathy and hopelessness. 
It was rather manageable until October last year when I discovered some disturbing news that I was adopted and that my biological father was a serial rapist who raped my biological mother. After finding this out I feel I have become a little ""nutty"". My girlfriend became especially worried, as I would always pick fights with her and in her words ""become rather unstable"". I wouldn't say I have become delusional, but I now very quickly assume the worst in people and spiral into a very bitter place at the slightest wrong doing. 
I just want some advice with what to say. I don't really like talking about my issues with strangers, it just feels really uncomfortable - like I am somehow showing weakness. This applies especially as I am a man. Another thing that scares me is talk of antidepressants. On the one hand I feel I could benefit from such a medication as a tool to get things going again, however the side effects also make me anxious. The loss of libido scares me, mainly the horror stories I hear of it never coming back after cessation. However what scares me more is the emotional hollowness a lot of people describe, that when they do feel happiness its somehow ""meh"". I still feel really happy sometimes, but its very rare and temporary, and I don't want those moments to feel less special. I see these symptoms a lot online and on reddit even, with warnings that they will ""ruin your life"" and that you should only use them as a last resort. How true is this?",severe
dev_pid_4264,"Ireven and venex xl : Hey. I didn't know where else to go to ask but is there a difference between Ireven 75mg and Venex XL 75mg? I know it's the same dose but I was on Ireven for the first month but I met a different doctor in the same practise to get the repeat prescription. I wish they told me there was a change because it makes me very anxious that I'm changing brands because the first three weeks getting used to the drug was so horrible I don't want to go through with that again. Sorry if this isn't to the usual theme to this tread, tbh I didn't read posts before asking so I'm not expecting much but Ty for reading this post because Idk who to ask x
EDIT: Been one this drug for two months not one",severe
dev_pid_4265,"Been trying really hard with self care, not feeling any better for it yet : TLDR:long term sufferer of anxiety and depression. Got ALOT going on in life atm Never been great at self care, been trying super hard with it for around a month. Lotsa hormones flying around everywhere atm due to it being that time of the month, plus on new antidepressants for 4 days. Dont feel like self care is helping yet.
So a little back ground. Suffered with very bad anxiety and depression for 30 years. I'm going through atm a tough and super busy period of my life atm where i am studying part time a very intensive course called access to criminology and law (its essentially 2 years of A levels in 10months), working part time at starbucks, planning my finacè and I's wedding, trying to lose weight so we can get ivf (need to lose 3 stone, stuck at 1 stone 12lb), look after our house, and be a good finacè and parent to my 6 Y/O daughter from a previous relationship.
Needless to say i'm stressed, i've started to recognise my symptoms, so i know before i'm gonna have a really rough patch where i cant leave the house i start to feel just numb. Things that should upset me etc, just dont i feel nothing. So i went to my doctor who gave me some anti depressants and a note saying please give me more time with my college assignments. 
I've never been super great at looking after my self, i frequently skip breakfast, wear clothes with holes in etc cas i dont feel like i deserve new, sometimes struggle to shower regulary. But for the past month or so i've made a real effort to shower at least every other day, i try and most days manage to brush my teeth and use some fancy face wash my mum got a while ago which really helps my skin (i dont think i've ever had a day where i havent had any spots). Sometimes i'm too tired and i think fuck it, but if i do that i make sure i keep it up the next day. 
I was super tired tonight but i forced my self to shower, wash face and brush teeth even though i was super tired. The whole time my brain was like i dont wanna do this, i'm too tired, bargaining with my self you've showered you dont have to do the other stuff. But i forced my self to do it, i dont feel proud or what ever but i'm hoping itll help my mood tomorrow. I dont even know if self care is helping me in the long run. Maybe its cas its that time of the month so theres hormones flying everywhere plus its only day 4 of new meds, but heres hoping it helps in the long run.",severe
dev_pid_4266,"I hate feeling good for a few days only to feel like shit the next. : I really thought I was getting better. I'm on 100mg of Zoloft since December and have been seeing a therapist since August who is just an amazing lady. I cannot express to you guys how much better these things made me. I exercised almost everyday. I restarted school and a new job and stuck with both (I have a horrible history of quitting everything because I just lose the energy and motivation) I was so happy.
But now, it's the same again. I thought at my new job people actually liked me, but recently just found out everyone is blaming me for everything going wrong (drawer shortage, bad review, truck not put away) and talk behind my back. I thought I wasn't that bad....I guess I thought I felt like I belonged. To make matters worse I have a crush on one of the managers. Rumor is he's screwing another manager but everyone thinks they're good together so it's okay. Last shift I saw him he pretty much bad mouthed me in front of my coworkers and then ignored me the rest of the day. I called in today after having perfect attendance because I didn't have the strength to go in.
My friend was starting to accompany me to the gym, which turned out to be the stupidest choice ever because all she does is flaunt about how fit she is, making me feel like crap. 
I don't know if it's the bad weather or not getting to socialize/go to school because of the Cornavirus. Or maybe my meds have stopped working again. I just want to die. I'm so sick of everyone acting like they like me until they don't. I'm sick of being happy only to feel like shit the next day and laying on thw couch all day just wanting to give up. I just hate this life. I just want something to actually work and actually work full time.",severe
dev_pid_4267,"Really sick and tired of waiting to turn 18 to get a therapist : Basically live in a conflicted household, read my r/AMA post on living in a shelter to get part of the backstory.   
I'm just tired of waiting to get a therapist because right now I can't get one and I really feel like a private not a community/free therapist would help. And I'm so sick and tired of my shitty life impacting every aspect of my life and turning me into a shitty negative person.
I just don't know what to do, I only have 1-2 friends I can rely on but I've talked about this with them before and it's feels like I've exhausted my resources. 
I've tried meditation, journaling, mindfulness, exercise, all that. And it did help....for a short while. But that nagging negativity is still always there.",severe
dev_pid_4268,"I will kill myself : I was strugglling with my depression for years now and theres just no way out. At some points I thought it would get better, I thought I found a way out, I thought I eliminated the reason for my suffering but it is just that simple. I am the reason for my suffering. It is my mind, my attitude, the character I have become in the last few years, unfortunately without me really realizing it. I think it is just too late for me and I just want it to end. I do not know exactly when or how but it will happen and nevertheless it scares me. This is a feeling which I never wish somebody to have. Maybe this is the last post I will ever publish on the internet maybe not. The only thing that helps just a little bit sometimes is to come here and read about people who feel the same way, people who got the same fears, the same problems, which is of course a blessing and a curse at the same time. I just hope everybody here gets ok I mean here in Germany we say „Die Hoffnung stirbt zuletzt“ (Hope dies at least) but my hope died a long time ago.",severe
dev_pid_4269,"#RONASZN : Hey guys
I recently got diagnosed with depression and had my first therapy meeting a couple weeks ago. As many of you know, first therapy meetings don’t give you coping strategies, but are more of an introduction to what’s going on inside your head. With the coronavirus situation, I will probably not be able to attend therapy sessions for the next month or two. On top of that, my main coping strategy, the gym, is also out of the picture due to the situation. And even more, as a college student the job market doesn’t look too promising out of college. 
The whole entire situation has cemented the feeling of hopelessness inside me, and I feel like I’m almost getting punished for trying to get better. My mind is completely voided of any optimism, and “getting better” doesn’t seem achievable anymore. I just wanna know what some of you guys are doing to get through this situation, and especially my gym rats out there, how you are getting through gyms being closed due to “social distancing”.",severe
dev_pid_4270,"Scared about my first appointment for Antidepressants : I have been in therapy for a few months now, so I’ve inquired as to getting antidepressants and I have to get a blood test first. I’m scared. Very scared. I’m scared that I’ll become dependent. That I’ll not be able to get more of my medication if the virus becomes worse. That I actually don’t have depression and taking the medication will screw up my brain.",severe
dev_pid_4271,"I’ve dealt with depression for over a year and i am seriously thinking to stop taking my meds : Life genuinely feels better now, my doctor told me to not stop taking the meds and you guys will probably tell me to do so, but life severely improved for me, my grades went from an average of 55 to 83 this session, i got a girlfriend who loves me as much as i love her, I’ve dedicated myself to things that are more important in life, limiting my videogame time, starting working out a couple months ago, started to believe in god again and i feel that god is sending me a sign to stop my meds. I’ve stopped taking them for a week now and I’ve been lying to my mother that i took my meds. Just wanted to share you this with you guys to tell you, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Love you all and I hope everyone that deals with that mental illness will get out of it one day",severe
dev_pid_4272,"I'm now 23 and feel just as awful as I did last year. : For starters not a single one of my friends remembered my birthday, so that one was rough. But otherwise, around a little over a year ago I quit my job (I have the luxury of not needing to worry about finances right now), and then a month later I entered therapy and started trying medications. Every medication of the 9ish I've tried has had no effect, and I mean none literally. I've also gotten absolutely nowhere with therapy, I even tried a couple different therapists this year, because I was told that if you aren't getting anywhere with your therapist it might just be because you don't mesh with them. It's hard to keep being hopeful. It's almost impossible these days to imagine a future where I don't feel so awful all the time. It's been a bad birthday, and a bad life.",severe
dev_pid_4273,"My uni just shut until at least third semester (end of april) : I have seasonal depression, this year has been extra bad, thought I was coming to the end of it. Now my uni shut, my sports club sessions/trips are cancelled and I've realised how much I rely on both of those things for happiness. What makes it worse is that I won't even be able to see my boyfriend more than once a week.
I should probably get some coping mechanisms that aren't physical/have the possibility of not being available but have no idea where to start",severe
dev_pid_4274,"I can't help myself anymore : I've been dealing with depression for 4 years now.. and in it's early stages when I'd get insecure about looks I was able to make myself laugh by screaming randomally ""if I had the chance to I would FUCK YOU!"" It made me stop crying and I'd be able to laugh my sadness off. I learned to hate myself because of people around me that got mad at me for small mistakes. Although I know it's because of them, I can't get myself to stop hating myself because of mean people. It became a part of me. It's like that piece of glass that gets stuck on your foot...and you step on it pushing it further and your skin just grows over it. I then met this guy that made me really happy, and he told me he liked me and I was going to tell him I liked him too.. The whole time he had a girlfriend. I found out through a friend and at first it didn't hurt me. I just went eh it's okay, but then I was going through a bad time and I noticed that I had to start every conversation with him, and that he steadily started ignoring me. We used to play games together, but I noticed he stopped playing with me and stopped talking to all his friends all together and only focused on his girlfriend which I understand. The problem is he started being meaner for no reason and questioning everything I said. I found myself sad again and crying daily for a total of now a month. I'm crying as I'm writing this portion, I thought he was a good friend, I thought I had someone to rely on when I'm sad. He helped me through a lot and we told each other everything. It's hard to move on and love someone else. It's harder to love someone when you can't love yourself. I've been having suicidal thoughts for three weeks in a row now, and I can't bring myself to ask for help from my friends. They don't take me seriously when I say something they just pass it off or tell me I sound like an eboy. I understand that, but it really hurts when you're begging for help.",severe
dev_pid_4275,"Needing a friend : Hey, I'm Ash. I've had depression for the majority of my life mostly due to my father's death in 2012. My anxiety and depression are hitting me really hard today. I just found out that my only friend removed me from her friend list on snap chat. I have no work friends. I'm not good at reaching out to people. I've done a lot of bad things and made wrong choices in my life, and now realize that I dont want to go on this journey alone. 
A little about me: I'm 26, birthday is July 20th. I have 2 kids and a failed marriage. I have a loving fiance that treats us like gold. I enjoy netflix and gaming. I'm a phlebotomist at a local hospital working overnight, so I'm a bit of a night owl. I'm in the kansas city, mo area. 
Just looking for some people I could reach out to in a tough time. Maybe go do lunch or have group dates. Or even just someone to reply to my ""I dont know if I can do this"" texts. Men, women, theys, thems, its, whatever. I'm accepting of all types. I just need a voice or screen name to lift me out of the water when I'm drowning. Please.",severe
dev_pid_4276,"Finally going to start medication again : After waiting a few months, I’ll be back on an SSRI tomorrow. I’ll be on Zoloft this time, which is good since it’s also used to treat social anxiety disorder (which I have too). I’m wondering if it’ll be even more helpful this time because of that. It’s nice.",severe
dev_pid_4277,Lonely : Sometimes I get really lonely. I just want some attention is all. I can’t take this feeling. I have a great boyfriend but because of this Coronavirus he can’t even come over. I feel so alone and all I want is friends to talk to and comfort me. Why is this so much to ask for?! I just wanna be normal. I hate having depression. Meds help but not all the time. I just...can’t take this...,severe
dev_pid_4278,"6 years since I was diagnosed... : I just turned 20 a few days ago and it's hitting me that I've been depressed since I was 14. I just dropped out of university because I don't give a shit about anything. I feel like my whole life has been a waste and I have nothing to show for it. I've tried tons of medications, therapy, and inpatient treatment but I'm still like this. My self esteem and motivation is so low that I feel jealous of anyone who is doing better than me (aka all my friends.) Self comparison is ruining my life. I'm so bitter. It's so fucking frustrating being clinically depressed for years and never being able to change long term. Depression stole my youth from me and my life would have turned out so differently without it. I don't think anything or anyone can help me.",severe
dev_pid_4279,You know therapy is so weird : So many people go to therapy I do too but my therapist doesn’t really all help me all we do is talk about my problems and she tell me something I already knew just using bigger words. Why am I paying someone for something I can get from random people online oh wait that’s right my anxiety & depression “solving pills” that come with there own set of problems but again I don’t really need a therapist for that my own family doctor can proscribe those so why am I wasting money on this shit it’s so frustrating the therapist is only really there to in a roundabout way tell you to solve your own shit in a healthy way. But who came up with what is healthy for me I just want to cut loose and break everything in her office smash every piece of glass and rip everything thing apart and maybe during that moment maybe if only for a small amount of time I will forget. Forget those around me that left or those that are dying that I can’t help or those who for reasons can’t even remember my name after knowing me my entire life. But that’s not a healthy way to really deal with my problems I guess or at least that’s what she tells me.,severe
dev_pid_4280,"I really need to rant : This is probably what’s going through everyone’s head rn but I need to just shout this out into the void. This stupid virus has me at probably my lowest point in a LONG time. I’m in college, all my classes got moved to online I don’t do well online, the tests are done using a program that can tell if you’re cheating it literally just records you and even YOUR EYE MOVEMENTS and the professor can just watch you and that alone stresses me out. I’m TERRIFIED I’m going to lose my job because there is talk of closing down the school and all it’s services and GUESS WHAT I WORK FOR THE SCHOOL AS A TUTOR. And I have an apartment and I can’t just break the lease and move home with my family because that’s not a thing with student apartments they’ll just charge my co-signer which is my aunt and then she’ll be mad at me and never trust me again. And I’m obviously living in the apartment because I have to pay for it but all my roommates are gone and I have nobody which makes my depression worse. My mom was honestly worried I would attempt again but this time there’d be nobody to save me. I thought I would be okay here because I’ve been going to therapy and I was doing much better before the whole virus thing and I was making improvements so I thought it would be beneficial to continue that but I found out that they’re closed indefinitely because they’re also a part of the school. I feel lost and helpless. I looked into online therapy and it’s so expensive. My college is in a super small town so there aren’t many mental health professionals in the area and when you consider the fact that I don’t have a car there are even fewer to choose from and I would need to be able to talk to someone who can deal with my multitude of problems (anxiety, depression, and ocd)I just have so many unanswered questions and so much stress  and the one thing I was relying on is completely gone I feel lost. I guess if anyone has any recommendations for getting this therapy thing situated temporarily please let me know otherwise thanks for reading.",severe
dev_pid_4281,"Calls from the void : I have been suffering with severe depression since  childhood but the past 6 months have just been almost unbearable. I was contemplating suicide daily. I then moved countries but couldn't adjust, lost my relationship in the process, attempted suicide but rationally stopped and returned home immediately.
Between then and now I just can't stop the thoughts, every day I wake up to my inner voice convincing me to end it all. I can temporarily avoid it by keeping myself occupied but it is exhausting and I feel like im losing the battle. My anxieties are getting worse, my sleep is almost non-existent and the thoughts come to me the moment I am not busy. Quarantine is also forcing me to be alone with my thoughts which is making it twice as difficult. 
I have therapy but it isnt working and my Dr isnt willing to prescribe anti-depressants until I have completed therapy. Is there any advise for situations like this, how are people coping in similar situations, is this 'normal'?",severe
dev_pid_4282,"Been depressed for a long time and not sure how to get out of it : I've had issues since my time in the service but they got worse after my wife admitted to having an affair and walked out about a year ago. I did the normal self pity party, crying, no sleep, barely eating, drinking too much, etc  (still kinda do that) but even after I started to wise up nothing seems to go right. Everything I do seems to backfire on me some way.
My best friend walked out on me, I left my closest friends besides her when I got out of the military, my family has always been the type where we don't talk about emotions, and the 2 people I've actually opened up to since she left ended up talking shit behind me back and laughing about me.
Job wise I don't really have any marketable skills in the private sector, cant find a job that pays more than minimum wage. I'm staying with family right now but I cant seem to save up any money because whenever I do something happens, either my truck breaks down or my ex is asking me to pay for her latest speeding ticket, her groceries, gas, etc and for whatever reason I give her the cash.  I mean I know why I do it, it's because I love her. We've had rough times in the past and when we were broke and barely scrapping by, there were days I didn't eat to make sure my daughters and her had enough.
I just want something good to happen or at least something I know how to handle. I've been applying for jobs with miltary contracters in Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan so that I can at least have a decent paying job that makes sense (I've worked in factories, construction, private security, agriculture and had a hard time adjusting. My transition out of the service wasn't as smooth as I would have liked and was part of the problem with my relationship.)
So what the hell should I do? I've got 2 girls keeping me here and love them to death but at the same time I'm now anchored by my ex and more specifically her asshole of a boyfriend, who happens to live in an area with no jobs that fit my skillset at all. So I'm stuck being broke, unable to go after opportunities because I wont walk away from my kids. 
I've thought about therapy but no money for it and the VA is too far away to do it.",severe
dev_pid_4283,"Had my first therapy appointment after a planned attempt. Suggested medication but have some concerns. : I’ve been kind of in the battle alone for the most part around 5 years. After a pretty bad breakdown where I had a plan to commit but was talked down (lashing out at the person and possibly ending that relationship) I decided to finally get help. Went in and towards the end was suggested I get evaluated further for medication since it’s gone untreated for so long and run rampant. I really love the idea that I could be fixed with some simple medicine but I have concerns it’ll change me in ways I won’t want. I really want to nuke the bad side of me to oblivion, but I don’t know if it’d be worth losing the good sides full potential. I’m really afraid I’ll just become a different person completely and lose my personality. Any advice testimonies or comments? Thank you",severe
dev_pid_4284,"Forced to quit Meds because of anxiety to call doctor. How to minimise the stopping effects? : Been on vanlafaxine for 5 months, but my doctor took vacation for few weeks now and due to quarantine my visit to other doctor has been canceled. I finished my Meds today. I need to call the doctor to ask her to give prescription but I just freeze when I need to call someone.
For 4 days I took 1/2 of my usual dose, and for last 3 days I took 1/3 of my daily dose. I know that I won't be able to call the doctor to get more Meds so I'll have to live like this for now.
I got some blood pressure stabilising Meds to help with side effect(I had to quit Meds for two days before and it resulted it really high blood pressure). I also still have some bromazepam for anxiety. Anything else that I could do to avoid nasty side effects?",severe
dev_pid_4285,"How a near death experience worsened my depression : Trigger warning, very descriptive of my frame of mind. 
Last summer, after tubing at my lake, I was swimming around when I got very cold. I figured it was because I hadn’t eaten yet that day so I got out of the water and started to walk up the stone steps to my porch. I was still really cold but my legs began to grow so heavy that I couldn’t stand. I collapsed on the steps and my body was now on fire, bursting into hives that made the rest of my skin shrink in on itself. I remember my mom dragging me up the stone steps and standing me up next to our grill while she went to get Benadryl, I don’t remember fainting or hitting my head on the grill. But I did. I eventually came to half consciousness about five minutes later, unable to move, talk, or even hear. The heavy heat had lifted but there was this cold left behind. I felt so light and my nerves were coated in a sort of darkness that blinded them. I couldn’t hear anything but a slight ringing and some white static. Later, my mom would tell me my stepdad was shaking me and calling my name while she was patting my face. She also said that I was nearly completely blue and barely breathing, that she would have started CPR soon. She thought I was going to die. But all of that means nothing to me compared to what I saw. They don’t lie when they say there’s a light. Granted it wasn’t warm, nothing was actually. But it was beautiful. At first just the sun, but then after filtering through green leaves directly above me, it became this rippled net of picturesque peace. I remember thinking that if this was it, if this was how I died, after doing the last thing I loved, looking up at leaves, that would be ok. In that moment, I truly wanted to die. And it’s odd because recovery units and suicidal pamphlets tell us that we just want the pain to be gone. So much so that dying seems like the only way out. They make it seem like we wish for some paradise on the other side where chaos is nonexistent. But they’re wrong. Before this incident I was already diagnosed with severe OCD and MDD. Medicated for both. All the coping mechanisms. All the positive mental attitude. All the medication and therapy, couldn’t have saved me from death. They say none of us are meant to die at our own hands. I disagree. I think that some of us wander this Earth dying a little everyday, knowing there is no point. No end. So what of this one that people found horrific? Death was no end, it is completion.
I go back to this incident often. In some sick way it comforts me. The idea of being able to rest eternally after the war that is my mind. I don’t have a bad life. Many people would kill to have my life. And I still wish they could take it. But I’m still going, because I know that, one way or another, I’ll get there.",severe
dev_pid_4286,"Finally visited Psychiatrist and decided to do whatever he says once for all. : He diagnosed me with GAD and OCD - to be comfired 
And prescribed me 
Thiavion 100 mg
Tab flex 50 mg
Tab Adipizol 5 mg
Tab ranol 40 mg
Tell me if anyone has tried this and what's your opinion. I am bit scared but I just want to live a normal life",severe
dev_pid_4287,"Is anyone on remeron? (Mirtazapine) : I’ve been on 15mg of mirtazapine for 3 years now, I have gotten to the point where I am extremely tired everytime I take it, I can sleep for 18 hours. My psychiatrist ignores me everytime I tell him when I researched the pill it said that after a while on the same does our body gets used to it, if you don’t up the dose our body will get extremely tired. It’s almost like he doesn’t care, but maybe that’s my anxiety over researching, he is the doctor after all. I also am on a second antidepressant (trintellix) I want to get off the mirtazapine but last time i tried I suffered through discontinuation syndrome, it was so terrible. 
Has anyone ever been on mirtazapine? Have you experienced this aswell",severe
dev_pid_4288,"It finally happened, my libido is gone : I've been taking Paxil (paroxetine) for a while now. Started with 10mg and now I've climbed all the way up to 50mg over 2 years, where I managed to find some peace. I tried going down to 40mg but my life got a bit disastrous so I went back up to 50mg. After a while, I was out of pills so I had my psychiatrist prescribe me more.
Except this time the pharmacy was out of Paxil 20mg/pill, so they gave me an equivalent medication of a different brand, which had a dose of 40mg/pill. I already have some Paxil left over so I'm using half a Paxil (10mg) + this Paxil substitute (40mg) for a total of 50mg of paroxetine.
For some reason this change made things better even though the dose was the same. It felt like I was taking a higher dose. I made sure to double-check the numbers and they did sum up to 50mg. But I started sleeping for 12 hours a day. I started feeling nothing looking at revealing clothing. I tried all kinds of suggestive images and I would get no response. It's as if I became asexual overnight. It really hurt my overall happiness because it was a way of stress relief for me.
This happened about 1 week after I started taking Paxil along with its substitute so I'm definitely sure the culprit is either the substitute or the simultaneous use of the two.
I know the internet isn't the best place for medical advice but I was wonder if someone had a similar experience. My next appointment is over 2 months later. Even if it was sooner, I doubt I would be able to talk about my sexual life because I'm single and I don't know what I'm supposed to say. ""Help, I can't masturbate!"" would leave a weird impression.
Anyways, thanks for reading so far. I'll keep taking my meds because I have no other alternative and I don't wanna get the brain zaps and other withdrawal symptoms. I just hope this lack of libido or SSRI induced ED isn't a permanent thing.
TL;DR: Took substitute meds, became a softer guy",severe
dev_pid_4289,"Idk what to do : All of this virus stuff is taking me for a loop when it comes to my extreme anxiety. I've been told by my psych teacher that I have complex PTSD from my childhood trauma, which already keeps me up all night, but lately I can't eat, sleep, or focus on anything. I'm scared to go to work or to go out but I make such low income that I can't just stop working. Working for a few hours feels like days, a full 8 hour and I have multiple panic attacks. I live with my mom still (I'm 19) and she works 70 hours a week in customer service and I know one of us is bound to get it because we can't just stop working. I'm mad at our government(US), I'm pissed off people arent taking this seriously. I'm worried for myself(diagnosed with chronic bronchitis and I smoke) and I'm worried about my family dearly. I have no motivation and I'm scared to death. Don't know what to do. Depressions a bitch.",severe
dev_pid_4290,"So many reasons to be depressed : I don't believe in karma, faith, God, or high power or whatever of that sort of thing... But I can't handle this anymore, life has been so cruel towards me, I gave everything I have and still made 0 progress... Main reasons behind my depression are :
1.abusive parents
2. I have 3 brothers and a sister... 2 brothers are so needy and annoying despite me being the youngest, same for my sister... I'm gonna talk about the last one at the end
3. I'm an atheist in a religious country, which means if they know I don't follow their religion ill be as good as dead
4. My job is so crap, the boss and coworkers are unfortunately even worse
5. No friends
6. No girlfriend
7. The only brother who cares about me died of an illness 4 months ago.
I was suicidal before he even dies, after his death im not able to function in anything...i just wanna experience peace for once since I was born, guess death was always a better option
I'm typing this as tears are running through my cheeks just before sleeping, since I have none to talk to in real life I had to vent here... When even the family isn't trustworthy its the moment that I made sure that I can't trust anyone who knows me personally.
I'm exhausted just because I exist...",severe
dev_pid_4291,"For those on Lexapro, should I ask my doctor about switching? Can’t sleep through the night, have intense nightmares. : I was diagnosed with moderate major depression a few months ago and my doctor prescribed me lexapro. I started on 10 mg. With that since I was learning how to atart taking medication on a daily basis, I would forget on occasion and I would wake up in the middle of the night yelling and thrashing. I accidently hit my boyfriend in the face in my sleep. 
My doctor increased my dosage to 20mg about 2 months ago. After the increase, I started having these horrible night sweats which wasn’t happening before. Only the dreams on occasion. Now, I wake up several times during the night from sweating and nightmares no matter how low I keep my AC. 
Overall, I am doing a lot better compared to the way I was functioning before the medication, but the sweating is making me unable to sleep and keeping me up for hours. I could go to bed at 11pm and not wake up feeljng fully rested when I wake up at 11 am. I actually have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and I plan to tell him about this of course, but I wanted to see if anyone else had similar experiences with Lexapro.",severe
dev_pid_4292,"Ready to end it all : Let's list reasons why
Stage 4c colon cancer
No insurance YET
No money
CPTSD
No food, will starving or cancer kill me first? 
Just want to sleep
Constant state of anxiety
State taking forever to finalize my paperwork for SSI
And icing to this shit cake, my husband is 3x week dialysis and that being alone makes everything worse.
Sorry just had to vent and send this out to the universe where no-one knows me.",severe
dev_pid_4293,"Dealing with major depressive : Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with major depressive? I’m 20 years old and I’ve had depression since I was around 13. Everyday is a challenge and I’m at the point in which I feel like I’m losing myself. My closest friends live in different countries and I’m emotionally exhausted from holding onto all of my problems without talking about them. I feel like life would be easier to give up rather than fighting constantly with myself, but my family would be distraught over me hurting myself and they’ve done a lot for me so I’m resorting to telling people on the internet in the hope that someone knows how to deal with dark thoughts and the lack of emotions that I don’t feel anymore. - Cereal",severe
dev_pid_4294,"Every day for the last 6 months I’ve thought of killing myself. : I keep waking up with an immediate dread having to be here. Nothing brings me joy anymore and the things that seem promising quickly turn into bitter disappointment. I dont want to go through the motions anymore. My life isnt objectively bad, but subjectively Im miserable and severely depressed. Ive never really planned on life past 30 and I dont want to grow old. I dont fit it anywhere and I’m constantly ignored by the few that catch my interest. My life is gray and I cant imagine a future where I’m truly happy, everything is so fake.",severe
dev_pid_4295,"I was told it gets better, 10 years later and it just got numb. : So first of all, I don't know if this is a rule or not, but I've never been to a doctor's and actually got confirmed to have depression, I have anxiety issues and likely agoraphobia, I haven't left the house for 4 years, even then it only lasted a month, since before that I hadn't left the house in 5 years. Even before that, I didn't receive a high school education as I spent it all, you guessed it, in my house.
There was a small portion in my life where I actually had friends, 10 years ago, I was active, ""fun"", enjoying my life fairly well but occasionally I was still in the dumps. Most of my friends seemed to be the same way so we talked about it a lot. Of course my friend at the time tried to encourage me, tell me it gets better and kept an eye on me to make sure I was coming out of my shell so to say.
So of course I fucked that up, I made a small mistake, said sorry, they forgave me and I punished myself by not allowing myself to see my friends. Still haven't seen them to this day, besides one, my so. Somehow, they have infinite patience and can put up with all my shit.
I punished myself a lot, I'd cut myself, I'd punch and slam myself, destroy my own possessions. My so tried their best and it sort of fizzled out. These days I don't get the will to do so anymore.
Ever since then, nothing, for a whole 10 years, most of it I didn't even spend time with my mother and younger sister. Maybe I was still punishing myself. I had few hobbies or even things to do, though I didn't fully enjoy any of it, I was starting to feel pretty emotionless.
Towards the end I actually started reconnecting with my mother and finally learning stuff and just starting to connect with my sister.
It was going fairly well for me, I was starting to look at the bright side, I still never left my house but it was starting to feel comfortable instead of a prison.
But then my sister did something unspeakable, something I don't think I could ever forgive, but my mother did, instantly. I was hurt, angry and it pulled me straight back. Ever since I've been weird around my sister, finding it almost impossible to connect and angry at my mother.
So now, I just feel numb, I really don't know what to do, I've been trying to forgive and forget but it's impossible. I've been trying to go outside but I almost have panic attacks just thinking about it sometimes. I'm back to the prison with nothing to do but wait.
Tl:Dr After many years, things started to look good until family trouble, now it's worse than ever.",severe
dev_pid_4296,"Chronic Harm OCD sufferer experiencing awful depression, advice? : Hello. Depression has always been a secondary problem for me, with my main antagonist being severe Harm OCD. But since my relationship ended 8 months ago, I've been stuck in this horrific cycle of absolutely loathing myself, feeling heavy/tired and totally unmotivated to do anything. It's like I'm living in a 2 dimensional world. Nothing in life jumps out and catches my attention like it used to. I used to be quite creative but it's just taken a nose dive. Any work I do is utterly awful and I'm amazed I'm not been kicked off projects (I work freelance). I wake up and I just want to be dead, quite honestly. In fact in the last few weeks I've even found getting out of bed to be a monumental struggle in itself, where I'm almost in tears from the weight of everything.
I am getting help with a therapist and am on an SSRI/low dose anti psych. And I've taken their advice seriously in terms of behavioural activation and avoiding staying in bed. I've started cycling again (just done 20 miles today in fact). But I still feel utterly wretched and everything I do is laced with this horrible belief that this is the end and suicide is my only way out of the pain I'm going through. The years ahead fill me with dread (I'm in my 30s). With my Harm OCD I have a huge hatred of myself anyway, but lately things have just got so heavy. I'd just like to know if anybody can relate to my post and has any first person advice? Psychiatrists and therapists always feel so removed from the reality (for me, anyway) - I'd just like to hear from people who know what's like and have helped themselves.",severe
dev_pid_4297,"I went to the hospital because I was having really bad panic attacks, and theycontinued in there. I ended up collapsing and the nurse who was trying to help me up said, ""You're attention seeking."". : I literally broke down crying and asked to go home, another nurse was watching me while I was crying saying he wanted to keep me longer, as I kept saying I wanted to go home and He said I was ""wasting his time"" by making him watch over me while I asked to cry for a while before leaving. I've never been through anything like this especially when in a hospital and when I was so weak and my chest and throat hurting so much from a panic attack. I just wanted to vent, that you for reading.",severe
dev_pid_4298,"I tried to kill myself yesterday and wanna quit the meds, long post : So i was at a party and got drunk, not i cant walk drunk, but drunk enough to make my metabolism fast enough to get rid of all the meds in my blood i guess. I just finished high school and at this party were all my classmates and the people i once called friends. 
I thought i could go there and talk to them and try to befriend them again. I miss them so much. Ive always been very shy and i thought i would drink because that makes me all bubbly and stuff, but this time it just did not work, i went right past the bubbly and the very drunk and a mess straight to i feel like i wanna die. This had never happened to me before.
So there i was, kinda off my meds and feeling depressed and there was a pool so in a place no one would notice too fast i started getting in slowly. Then i just jumped. I tried to do it but my body wouldnt all i wanted to do was sink to the bottom and numb everything out and then justgo i guess? But my body wouldnt, i couldnt physically do it.
My parents came and 4 people tried to help. Only one of which i would have expected and its not like i didnt like them i just didnt think they liked me, definatly not enough to help and im sure they will dissapear now, except for the one, but he cant take care of me like i need it. I need someone to be there all the time and i guess thats not fair.
I guess thats not fair, because thats how i lost my friends. They didnt understand i needed someone to be there and i tried to open up but i also need checkups, because i will convince myself im just bothering. 
I wanted one of my friends to help me the most, the one id known the longest, the one i had always been able to come back to, but i didnt get that she just didnt have the time or the will to help me like i needed anymore.
Now i dont wanna take the meds because i truly thought i was better. Turns out i was just drugged all the time and it feels so fake now. I thought i was happy and out of it and that soon enough my doctor would take me off them slowly. That i was starting to understand how not to be depressed, but now i think the only way to do that is to feel it and fight it, not take drugs and make it ""disappear"". Ive always been able to fight, its harder, yes, but i think i can make it.",severe
dev_pid_4299,"Has anyone experienced lower anxiety but same depression after SSRIs? : I started lexapro 10 mg about 3 weeks ago. My anxiety has gone down a lot but my depression is still the same. My doctor is saying this is strange since those two should either improve or worsen together. 
Right now it’s just waiting a few more weeks to see if anything changes...",severe
dev_pid_4300,"depersonalization/derealization : I'm currently on Zoloft and Lamictal for anxiety. Few months ago I stated having panic attacks, but they resolved with zoloft. Yesterday something very freighting happened to me. As I was talking to my daughter's teacher I felt I was slowly disconnecting from the surroundings. I was forgetting where I was, who I was talking to. This horror lasted 2 hours. After I finally took Klonopin the symptoms stopped.  I'm relatively a healthy person. I will be seeing a neurologist to make sure that there is no other underling condition. Did this ever happened to you?",severe
dev_pid_4301,"I'm afraid to try a different treatment that might really help me. : So my depression is *very* treatment-resistant. I've lost track of how many different meds and med combos I've tried. Recently it was suggested that I try TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation), which has been proven to be effective for depression like mine. My psychiatrist referred me to the doctor who does it, but I've been putting off actually making the appointment because I'm scared.
You know how sometimes people don't like taking meds because they make them feel like they're not themselves anymore; like they make them feel numb or empty? It's sort of like that, except in reverse. I've had my depression for well over a decade, more than half my life, and I literally can't imagine what it'd be like if it actually got better. Would I still feel like me? I know that things would improve, obviously, but change is scary, and in a bizarre way, my depression is comfortable. It's been a constant for most of my life and I don't know who I'd be without it.
TL;DR- I'm scared to try something that could work because I don't know who I'd be without my depression.",severe
dev_pid_4302,"First Therapy Sessions: sliding scale? : Hi
I'm going to be seeing a therapist for the first time in a while, at the urging of my partner. For a long time, I've felt like my problems did not warrant a therapy session, so I am just now taking my situation more seriously. I can't continue on like this and I know it. so I'm going.
My problem is that I have minimal insurance (500$ for the year for mental health). My new therapist works on a sliding scale, but I don't know how much to pay. She's given me 100$ as an option, then I got overwhelmed and she told me to think about what I thought was fair. I might be able to get on my partner's insurance at some point, but I have no idea when,
I'm now terrified of not being able to afford therapy, because I can feel myself getting close to a breaking point. 
I'm so sorry if this isn't supposed to be posted on this subreddit. This was the only one I knew/have known for a while
Thank you in advance for any advice you might have (even if it is to delete this)",severe
dev_pid_4303,"Better days coming. : So I’ve struggled with depression on and off my whole life. I graduated recently and was lucky enough to land a pretty decent job. However, since I’ve moved and started the job I’ve relapsed heavy. I know it’s common for people to be lonely when making a big move and being in a new environment. I tried to end it all when I was in hs and told myself I would never go back to that place. I decided to get help a few months ago when those thoughts came back and I’m glad I did. I won’t bore you with all the details but work was the reason for a lot of my issues so i decided to be proactive and change it. Well today i just got an offer at a company that I’ve wanted to work at since I started college! And best of all it’s back in the same town as all my friends who graduated with me. I know I will be happy there, more so than this place. And I’ll be surrounded by people who made me enjoy my life for those short 4 years. I’m hoping this was the change that I was looking for. I made every excuse as to why nothing would get better and to just live it out. I start next month!
Btw I signed up for BetterHelp for my therapy. It’s not for everyone but I’m very shy and have had bad experiences with psychiatrist and counselors. It was just more excuses I made to not get help.",severe
dev_pid_4304,"I dont deserve to be loved : I dont deserve love. Im fucked up and im a mess. The reason why i dont have a relationship is because i feel like people deserve something better than me. Im shit. Im trash. No one loves me and the few who tried gave up. They all gave up. At my funeral who will cry ? I guess people would not even show up. No one cares. I have no friends texting me, im just the guy in the group no one is best friend with but i still hang out. Im alone. Im lost. Im drinking again, dont know what else to do to numb the pain. Maybe my death will end this. I deserve death not love. Maybe ill die tomorow. Maybe in 10 years. Only time will tell. I survived 4 suicide attemps for this life and nothing is doing better.",severe
dev_pid_4305,"I secretly don’t want my antidepressant medication to work : 
Why? Because if it does work, then I have to leave my depressed self behind. I’m so used to being depressed, it’s really comforting. Not talking to anyone for weeks, not leaving the house for weeks, not eating any food, staying up late every night, not doing self-care things like showering, brushing teeth, etc. 
Honestly I don’t want to get better, I want to stay depressed if that makes sense. At this point I feel like I’m too “lazy” to get better, I don’t want to do the extra steps to get better, I’m exhausted trying in life. 
Anyone else relate?",severe
dev_pid_4306,"After almost a year ""cured"", I'm depressed again : There is no post, I just don't have anyone to share this... nice",severe
dev_pid_4307,"Doctor doubled my medication : Going up from 100mg to 200mg prozac, currently feeling suicidal as I speak, I'm am so sick of life that I just want it to end and be at peace for eternity, is that too much to ask for?",severe
dev_pid_4308,psychotic depression? : Is there anyone on this sub who has been diagnosed with psychotic depression? Would like to compare notes,severe
dev_pid_4309,"After 20 years of depression I feel like it has finally won : I'm past the point of feeling sad about it, I'm just completely drained. I keep telling myself I'll end it after my father passes away but I know I'm too much of a coward to go through with it.",severe
dev_pid_4310,"Where will I end up if I know I can't deal with life and don't want to kill myself. : I've suffered with depression my entire life and never did much to overcome it early on when I should have.  I will turn 30 soon and I have been addicted to porn since I was 12. I used porn as a safe coping mechanism so that I wouldn't have to deal with anything in life- improving social skills and having friendships, taking risks, developing hobbies, talking to girls and dating, going to college, traveling. Ive done none of these things. I've had a few menial jobs and have an apartment. That's it.
Now I have no job, I am a virgin and I have no friends. I just quit watching porn a month ago, but I am more depressed than I have ever been. This is because when I cut my coping mechanism being porn addiction out of your routine, reality hit me like a brick wall. Everything is bubbling to the surface and I am fully overwhelmed by the fact that I have completely wasted my young life. I see absolutely no positive reason to move forward. I have never felt this close to suicide being the only way out before. I am seeing shrinks about my problems and got put on meds recently this month. Therapy is not helping and you know meds just numb the pain a bit. They don't do anything to improve me without me trying to improve myself. But it's gotten to the point where I have no desire to improve myself AT ALL!! I can't get out of bed, can't eat. can't go outside. I have no passion to do anything. I know I can't commit suicide but I don't want to move or think. 
I've been in a crisis unit at a local hospital 5 years ago and it did nothing to help me. All they did was put me on zoloft and made me sit in a bed and attend group meetings with drug addict for 2 weeks straight before they released me. All this did for me was numb the pain with medication and I was just as unhappy as I was before I went in. 
So my question is what happens when you don't want to kill yourself, but you can't deal with digging yourself out of this rock bottom state? Is there a place where they will put you where you don't have to leave your bed? Psych ward or something?  I want to be put away forever. I can't deal with the uphill battle I will have to face in life and my regrets and hopelessness is way too strong to battle anymore. I do not have any strength left to improve myself at all. I do not want to be released from the care of others. Where do they put someone like me at his point. Any advice?",severe
dev_pid_4311,I feel like I'm drowning : I know exactly what I need to do to succeed and I want to so bad but it's like my head is full off water and I'm struggling to breathe let alone do all of my responsibilities I feel so trapped the only time I feel happy is when I'm with my SO. I hope my new antidepressants help because I don't know what I'll do if they don't. Everyone tells me that I just need to push through and force myself to do it all but how can I do that when I feel like I'm at the bottom of the ocean with no way out.,severe
dev_pid_4312,"Just got prescribed Prozac. Could I still have small/moderate quantities of alcohol? : Hi,
I was just prescribed Prozac today and I wondering if I could still drink/smoke while on it. I’m in college and enjoy a drink every once in a while, as well as getting drunk/sometimes smoking at parties (though not as often as I used to.) I understand that depression meds intensify the effects of alcohol/marijuana. If I were to have smaller doses than I usually consume (I.e. limiting myself to one drink at all times) would that be a problem, or should I avoid other substances altogether? 
Thank you :)",severe
dev_pid_4313,"(TW) I asked for help in another subreddit, and the replies made me go through with an attempt. : I was just asking if it was okay for me to ask my S/O to not leave me alone because I was severely depressed and afraid I would do something to myself. The replies were horrible. In the post, I already had called myself selfish and a burden for wanting this from him, and people just kept reaffirming that and telling me how inconsiderate I was and how I would destroy his life. Anyways, I am trying to be okay and safe now after spending the last few days vomiting and confused and exhausted but I guess the point of this post is to raise awareness to venting in safe spaces. Not everyone is going to be understanding, specially through an anonymous profile. It can be seriously damaging.",severe
dev_pid_4314,I feel like I should stop taking my Adderall : I’ve been on Zoloft for nine months or so and about three months ago I started taking Adderall for my ADHD. I find myself struggling with depression now and I think this is from the Adderall does anyone else have any advice?,severe
dev_pid_4315,"I think I have depression, but I haven’t been diagnosed or had any legit testing : I’ve been in a constant state of Sadness for the past couple of years of my life. I have had a thought in the back of my head that it may have been depression but I doubted it. I have tried to kill myself once or twice and have had many thoughts about it. I took a test online (which I don’t know if it was real) and I looked at some symptoms and I related to all of them. I feel worthless and just a burden on everyone that knows me. The thing is, I’m only 12 years and 8 months so I’m relatively young. Does anyone have any advice for me or just anything for me?",severe
dev_pid_4316,"I was, and am, scared of getting better : Before I was out (I'm ftm) I was severely depressed for years, and was even suicidal for a while. I hated it, all I  wanted was to feel okay most days and when I came out, it was like a flip switched in my brain. I wasn't just okay, I was genuinely happy most days. I hadn't felt that good since I was 7 at the absolute oldest. In some ways, I felt like a completely different person; I became more empathetic, my grades went up, I had more motivation then maybe ever before, I completely stopped doing self harm, including pinching, which is something I started doing as a form of self harm when I was around 8, but I was still me in the sense of personality. For once, I truely felt like myself. That said though, the bad days became so much worse; I wasn't used to it, it wasn't my norm anymore. I'm still so grateful to have been able to experience that, to know what it felt like to function normally. When things first started to get better trough, that was exactly what I was afraid of. That it would be worse when things got bad, and if it got really bad again, I wasn't sure if I even would be able to recover. To an extent, I was right. Now, the period of constant okayness is ending. I'm having less and less good days, and it's awful. I'm having more breakdowns than I did when I was suicidal, and when it happens now, I almost always get really close to passing out, and that never happened before. I just want this to be over and I don't care if that happens because I get better again, of if it's because I get used to it again, I just want this to stop.",severe
dev_pid_4317,"Just wtf : So like what the fuck.
My home life is awful, seems like no one is supportive of me existing.
My school life was fine then I wasn't allowed to drop a time consuming, high pressure subject and everything is lost, I don't think my grades will be enough to get me where I want to go.
My friendships were fine but I only had three friends I felt close enough to initiate a conversation with, now I have a confusing and hard to manage relationship with one.
Finally have a counsellor through school who is trying to get me further help (mental health services beyond the counsellor and support for me in school and at home) but it doesn't look like that will happen (coordinator for what could happen at school said there would be no point in a meeting about how school can help due to leaving in the next 4 months and other services have a long waiting list.
Nothing feels on my side.
(Dont know where to post this but low key wish I didn't exist so .. ya)",severe
dev_pid_4318,"Therapy doesn't work? : I've been going for four months. I did everything I'm supposed to: I'm drinking less, exercising more, talking about my feelings more, going to therapy and marriage counseling. I don't feel ANY better, at all. If anything, I feel worse.
What is the point of any of this",severe
dev_pid_4319,"What is life like on antidepressants? : Hey guys,
so I started taking anti-depressants for the first time and I was a bit scared but it was a last resort after months of counselling. Just wanted to know how long did it take for yours to work? what is life like on them? It's been four days since I started taking them and feel a little happier but not sure if that's just a placebo effect.",severe
dev_pid_4320,"I don't know how to deal with this... : I´ve been struggling recently again with my depressions.
It hit me very hard during the last month. My results in School are lacking behind, I messed up with a girl and issues with my father resurfaced. This all pushed me back in my dark hole, which I thought I left behind years ago. Escaping seems impossible and every day feels more and more pointless. This entire Depression feels like a parasite that is stuck with me and my body and no matter what I do there is no way getting rid of it. 
I can´t value myself and I´m self-critical to the extent that it could almost be self-hatred. Every time I get into a situation that could be good for me I avoid it, Persons that could be good for me I push them actively away until they don't want to be with me anymore. The cold realization that I missed an opportunity or chance comes unfortunately always too late. The feeling of not going anywhere in my life increased drastically over the last month. Especially the failed relationship with this girl devastated me. It was the first time in a long time that I tried letting someone into my life, with which I have big problems since my dad left years ago. This Topic of my Dad is my big trauma in life and I\`m so scared of turning out like him. This hurts me so much, because I see her every day, reminding me of my failure to keep something good around. Things just feel pointless and meaningless at the time. I´m unable to do things and isolation became a bigger part of my life during these last weeks. The only ways out at the moment are getting drunk and doing excessive amounts of sport. For the first time in years this feeling of not wanting to continue with all this.",severe
dev_pid_4321,Prozac???? : Has anyone experienced visual disturbances such as blurry vision dry eyes sore eyes with taking Prozac and is it normal and will resolve or should I stop taking it,severe
dev_pid_4322,"F/22 I think I should go back to therapy and medication... : I was on medication and CBT for PTSD, depression and general anxiety when I was 20 but stopped (even though I had so much improvement with) because I had to travel abroad to study. The last 6 months have been hell. I had way to many panic attacks in public, depressive episodes and even sleepless nights despite being a successful student. I should be happy for my achievements but I keep having breakdowns which affect my studying, social life, confidence and sports abilities. I don’t want to be in the state I was when I was 12, 18 and 20yrs old. I don’t want to continue living in a constant panicked state but I won’t be able to afford treatment under my sponsorship. I want to ask for financial aid from my mother but I don’t want to worry her that I’m relapsing again.",severe
dev_pid_4323,"First Official Post : Well today I went for my first initial evaluation with a specialized psychiatrist since I was a kid (I'm 24). 
I mean I went to my University's student health and saw the psychiatrist there and got therapy through the psych service at school.
But this was my first seeing one not through a school. The kind with the leather couch and had classical music playing.
Anyway, I wasn't nervous like I said University blah blah blah. I went in confident just had to do the pre eval and just get my meds filled there. Well that's not what happened.
After an hour he sits back and I ask him how I'm looking. He said that he wanted to recommend inpatient. That was the first shock. (Idk why it was a shock I just never thought I needed it)
The second was after I told him about visual and auditory hallucinations (which I thought was normal because Uni doc didn't seemed phased). He told me he would right up a report but that I may have Psychotic Depression.
Now it may not seem like a big change from just having Major Depression Disorder, but idk.
Am I overreacting? Probably. I'm just tired now, I feel like everything that with depression would I'm just to lazy to type. I feel awful because my family cares and is supporting me and is doing everything they can. But I'm not fixed. I feel like I'm just a lost cause.
Sorry for bumming anyone out.",severe
dev_pid_4324,"I am doing worse than when I wasn’t on meds : I guess, I’ve been trying to put up this facade for years and now that I’ve been diagnosed and started taking my meds, I no longer felt the need to pretend and just want to do nothing. So my objectively good life is slowly shattering. I’m doing worse in my college work, my work and slowly losing all my friends. I feel horrible for all the people that has to put up with me. So, now what?",severe
dev_pid_4325,"Singulair in relation to long term depression and anxiety : I was born with severe asthma and allergic to nigh everything they tested me for outside of stings/bites and food. I am 22 now, I was on singulair from the time I was tested (1999 ish),  until roughly 2012. 
I now suffer from symptoms of severe Anxiety, Major Depression Disorder, short term memory issues, and bouts of Schizo-Affective. Recently, my mother shown me an article referring the psychoactive effects singulair has in some people and we both wonder if my long term use of the medication may have affected the development of my mental health.
Is this warranted? Have any of you had any experience with this medication?",severe
dev_pid_4326,"Venting : This is really just venting because I have no one to talk to. 
I've been depressed for about 6 years, little moments of hope and temporary happiness here and there when I briefly connect with people. But eventually my depression takes over again and the people I connected with start perceiving me differently, I've been told by a lot of them that I become too negative. Not really my intention it's not like I'm choosing to be sad all the time. The other thing that has been keeping me going is being good in school, up until last fall I was in graduate school which in hindsight wasn't really a good idea because that's when everything started getting worse. Because of additional stress and my inability to make any friends.  I failed 3 out of 5 classes and got dismissed from my school, was too embarrassed to tell anyone including my family so I just shut down and attempted suicide by taking pills, obviously it didn't work. I knew it wasn't the most effective way but I was just done with everything and didn't have another option at the moment. I don't think therapy is going to help me, yes venting sometimes feels nice but it's not going to change my perspective about life, I've never been an optimistic happy person. I don't see a happy future for myself,  I'm not attractive at all, not really in shape, apparently not as smart as I thought I was, no one is ever gonna give a crap about me let alone love me. I'm just not lovable. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I was a completely different person with people in my life who actually love me and care about me, it's like day dreaming. And sometimes I pretend that my pillow is a person who loves me enough to actually sleep next to me. Pathetic and borderline crazy I know. It just keeps hurting because everywhere I look I see happy people, happy couples, people with perfect lives and I know I'll never have that",severe
dev_pid_4327,"Zoloft dose : Hi everyone! 
I just got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and my doctor prescribed Zoloft. Her recommendation was to start taking it at 50 mg the first week and up the dose to 100 mg from then on. 
Not gonna lie, I’m a little worried about the dose. I see that a lot of people are starting out as low as 10 mg. This makes me feel a little worried that my doc’s recommendation is maybe too high?
Just looking for opinions or maybe a reference before I jump into this. I’ve never taken antidepressants so I don’t know what to expect and I’ve heard horror stories about the side effects that make me second guess taking medication.",severe
dev_pid_4328,"Advanced therapies and memory loss : I've had depression for years.  I have Ehlers-Danlos disease which is absolutely cripplingly painful physically, and pretty much ensures my brain chemistry will be screwed up for the rest of my life.  My depression will be severe and will never end.  This is not a ""your life temporarily sucks but could get better"" depression, but a depression I was born into and am basically fated to for the rest of my life just because the way the disease works.  It fucks up several systems of my body and there's very little I can do about it.  I've done the basic drugs, i've been for the behavioural therapy, and I might as well have been eating tic tacs.  Now the doctors want to go for electric shock therapy but warn me that I might lose some of my memory as a side effect.  I spent nine years in university literally crawling to class in pain to get where I am now.  I don't want to lose any of my memories because all those times I spent in tears in class trying to make it through the hour before I could break down in agony would be wasted if I can't remember them.  I really would rather die than lose what's in my head, and that's what they're telling me I might lose with ECT.  If I lose my memories I can't work and I'm homeless, and then what use am I?  I'm feeling like no matter which I turn I lose.  What has been everybody's experience with memory loss and ECT?  I cannot afford to lose the nine years of science degree.  If that's in question at all, I'm not going to do it, just accept my fate and fade.",severe
dev_pid_4329,"Anyone else take Wellbutrin and if so do you get side effects : I weaned off Celexa and onto Wellbutrin because after being on Celexa for about 12 years primarily for anxiety in the last year or two my motivation to do anything has dropped so I wanted to find something that could better help my depression and improve my motivation.
I've been on the Wellbutrin about a month and a half and after the first 3ish weeks of which I weaned off the Celexa, by early to mid afternoon on most days I now crash with fatigue and exhaustion. Also get mild nausea, sometimes a long with the exhaustion and sometimes by itself.
Also I can't say the Wellbutrin is actually making a positive difference with my depression and motivation but I do sleep thru the night virtually every night which I didn't do on the Celexa. The Wellbutrin has also caused intense dreams but never nightmares.
In all honesty I am feeling more depressed due to the fact that I physically feel like crap by evening.
Really wonder if the fatigue and exhaustion is side effects from the Wellbutrin or if its withdrawal symptoms from being off the Celexa.",severe
dev_pid_4330,"Does this count as self harm? : When I'm in a really depressive state, I hit my punching bag for a long time without gloves. By the time I'm finished, my knuckles will be busted and bleeding, and the cycle repeats.",severe
dev_pid_4331,"Atypical depression : So I’ve been recently diagnosed with atypical depression 
so what are the meds that are usually prescribed for this type of depression? I’m on Cipralex because I was firstly diagnosed with MDD
so i wanna know your experience with diagnosis/treatment",severe
dev_pid_4332,"Depression turning into Rage : I have to admit it. Sometimes my depression explodes into rage. It scares me how angry I get. And after the explosion of rage I become even more depressed. Because well I was just a horrible person then I cry about it. And honestly, saying sorry does not help. And it pushes people away from me. It scares me so much that I self isolate. I don't want anyone to know what an ugly person I am on the inside.  Then I get angry because no one wants to hang out. It's a stupid vicious cycle. And I sit here and cry which does nothing either.
I've been in and out of therapy for my depression and rage for over 20 years. Nothing helps. I was originally a psychology major and actually have a masters in professional counseling. I left being a counselor because I stopped believing in the ability of it to help me and others. Well that and I worked with abused children and this made my depression and rage reach heights that I had never had before or since.
Counseling, cognitive behavior therapy, all of it does not help. I'm currently coming off my epilepsy pills. I've been told that it's possible that I am bipolar instead of just depressed. That my epilepsy pills might have been covering up manic phrases, I am scared because of this. I live alone. I live in fear that I'm gonna have a seizure. This is activating my depression which means I'm raging all the time as well. I just want the fear, anxiety, depression and rage to leave me alone. Why am I sio fucked up?",severe
dev_pid_4333,"Do intrusive thoughts ever stop? : I have been depressed for about 10 years now. When I was younger I was very suicidal. Now, I am not suicidal but get intrusive thoughts about killing myself. I especially get them while driving or in the car. 
I was just wondering if they ever go away or can I expect to have them forever.",severe
dev_pid_4334,"Having clinical AND situational depression : Terrible life and a terrible mind = fucked 
I don't feel like a human anymore everything feels unreal and fuzzy it is hard to explain thats and exhaustion all the time. I don't think I want my life back because the best years of my life are gone and I would be surprised if I lived past 40s",severe
dev_pid_4335,"Nothing in my life sparks joy like it used to : I've had depression for as long as I can remember. But for the most part I was always able to see into the future and motivate myself to cheer up and get excited for what I can become. Even if it was a short period if satisfaction.
Although, for the past few months, I cant shake off this feeling of emptiness and sadness.
I feel so hollow and lonely and worthless. As I'm writing this I finally realized I probably need professional help but for some reason, I'm fighting myself over whether I should reach for help or not. I'm not comfortable with asking for help, I always love to be the one helping. Though I guess theres a small part of me hoping that someone would reach out, despite the fact that I try so hard to hide my true struggle with my emotions and act like I'm laid back and have no care in the world.
I'm always going against what I need. I want a way out of my counter-productive mindset. Its ruining my school/work and my aspiration to achieve what I want in my life.
A few years ago I was upset how I couldnt find any love interest. But as time passed I grew to realize that's not what I really wanted. So I took up some hobbies, which until recently also have lost their ability to give me joy. And even my long term life goals arent making me any happier. Theres nothing I want or hate. I'm just sad and empty.",severe
dev_pid_4336,"Impulsive self harm : Hi everyone. I'm 24f and I have a mild personality disorder and I suffer from what I think is depression and anxiety. I'm not just depressed, though, just this morning I got inadequately angry for spilling water. I lift up from depression occasionally to feel other lovely emotions like anxiety, fear and already mentioned anger. Anyway, I have troubled relationship with my family, mother particularly, and I've been always overly attached to my partners and picked them so they would appreciate such a trait (high level of attachement) rather than get discouraged by it. My current partner is my greatest motivation to get better, but I don't observe much progress even after a year and half of therapy. Biggest problem is that he's been a witness to several self harming sessions of mine, because I'm probably seeking either for attention or help or both. I've read that most people who self harm cut themselves on arms and sometimes other places, but when I lose my mind I start frantically scratching myself, pulling hair, biting any flesh that comes near my head or hit-cutting with a knife and I have the urge to stab a knife through my heart. Has anyone experienced this? Also it happened once in a presence of my parents (very recently) and those are the last people I wanted to know about this. I have episodes of elaborated cutting or pinching to relieve the tension as well, but when I really get lost I honestly have no idea what is the purpose of those scary fits other than seeking for help or attention. How is it possible that I lose control so much?",severe
dev_pid_4337,"I’m so god damn tired.... : Hello... the title, basically. I should probably use a throw away but I don’t care anymore. I’m gonna warn this is mostly me bitching and whining, I’m really not that interesting.
To start, last year, my mom and cat died the same month. My cat actually died the week of my mother’s funeral. I was very, very close with her. She was he entire reason I went to college for a degree. My cat was there for me since I was a little kid, losing her was like losing a piece of myself... before I had a brain injury. She was all that was left to tie me to normality. Sure you could argue nobody is normal, but that isn’t easy to hear when you’re bullied relentlessly for being weird. I actually had to leave high school it got so bad.
To top all this shit off, I got denied disability for the second time, so now I have to wait another two years just to fucking hear no again. I submitted two fucking banker boxes of my medical problems, two!
I also need to deal with voc rehab since they helped me but I can’t fucking work with my disability, I’ve shadowed two different jobs and failed horribly. I barely finished college despite my longest day being 6 hours, with two of that being a break period. I feel useless and hopeless. I’m 25, poor, and draining my bf of his money. I just want to sleep and not wake up. Or have cybernetics let me have a cyborg body so my muscles and nerves aren’t as weak and painful as an 80 year old. 
I’m not going to do anything, mostly because I don’t even have the energy to attempt. But I’m also stuck in hell of struggling to sleep despite being exhausted all the time. I wish I was normal, I wish I wasn’t a fucking leach on society. I want to help so fucking bad but every doctor I’ve seen (5) has said I can’t work. Anxiety on phone, can’t do simple math, have a seizure disorder (so lots of places won’t want to hire me for that risk, they just have to claim something else to not be sued) can’t drive, and can’t lift more than 40 lbs. I also have pathetically low stamina, like the walk to my mail box wears me out. Yet the judge thinks I can fucking work.
...who knows, maybe I just have a victim complex. I know I’ve tried, but it still feels like I didn’t try hard enough, that I’m a failure, useless. This is with me on two different anti depressants that for the most part work, I’m sure without them... well... idk. It wouldn’t be good.
I’m sorry Mom, I’m a fucking failure. Your support was for nothing....",severe
dev_pid_4338,"How are you meant to reconnect with people? : During more serious depressive episodes, I will push people away and socialize way less than I already do. I can't find the courage to send anyone a message when I feel like I'm nothing more than an annoyance, especially when I don't have anything to actually talk about. It doesn't help that people really never message me first. It adds on to the idea that people don't care. I've lost friends in the past because of this, and I can see that I'm losing my few remaining friends now. With every day that passes I feel much more isolated and like the distance between me and everyone is growing. What am I supposed to do?",severe
dev_pid_4339,"Anti-depressants have ruined so many good things for me (24M) : I don't rant very often, but I'd like to share my personal experience regarding what anti-depressants have done to me as an individual.
I began taking Lexapro in 2018 because I had symptoms of depression and suicidal thoughts. It took a long time for the medication to work, but unfortunately it caused me terrible stomach problems. My anxiety has been terrible since I was a kid. I needed to figure it out. So late last November I switched to Prozac.
Worst idea of my life.
I started dating this wonderful girl who was independent and sweet and empathetic with me, which helped me sometimes feel like I could fight my mental health problems, but when the medication started ramping up in December, I started throwing and breaking things, and eventually we got into physical altercations. 
I have NEVER in my life been in a fight with another human being. I'm a small guy, I don't like confrontation, and I don't appreciate when people are irrationally violent.
Well, Prozac made me absolutely *violent.* It is still coming out of my system and I can feel it lessening everyday, but I still can't seem to hold down the  rage. I can't stop myself from having knee-jerk reactions to even little things like what I hear or what people say to me.
I am in so much pain because this medication isn't helping me control *anything* like my doctor promised. I'm going to start therapy in hopes to curb this, but I haven't had these issues since I was ten or eleven years old. 
Back in September I was happy, but anxious, and sometimes fell into depression, but I got out of it. I don't want to try anymore medication. I was perfectly fine just taking the hits and dealing with it on my own, but Prozac made me feel like I had no control. I still sometimes feel like I don't.
Props to my girlfriend (27F), for she hasn't left me while I struggle with this, but I'm feeling like an outcast too. I've slept on the couch for two weeks as punishment from her. I tell her how I feel and she says ""I wonder why"" and then tells me to prove I can be different. I just want this bullshit to stop! I'm so done feeling like this. I want the pain to stop and I just want to be me again.",severe
dev_pid_4340,"I can’t sleep man : 
I JUST FEEL LIKE SCREAMING!!! IM SO FUCKING TIRED I WANT TO CRY MAN WTFFF. THESE PILLS WONT WORK, WEED DOESNT WORK WTF IS WRONG WITH ME",severe
dev_pid_4341,"How to know whether you're depressed or not? : I am 19 right now. I used to be diagnosed with depression when I was 15. I was really and I mean really depressed. Life sucked and I wanted to kill myself. The depression left me quite suddenly at 16. Flash forward to day. I don't wanna kill myself and I don't feel that empty anymore, but I hate living. I barely go to school anymore. I feel too sad to go. I just play video games all day to forget everything and indulge in something fun. I do have times where I can say I feel happy such as watching anime, playing video games and working out (even though I barely have any energy to do so at times). I have low energy almost always. I sleep 12 hours a day. I also randomly feel comfident and randomly feel so shy. 
Does this sound like I have depression?",severe
dev_pid_4342,"I feel so tired : I have been depressed all my life but this time I really don't know how to go on anymore. I don't care about school anymore but I also don't want to start working. I don't know how long I can go on anymore before I end it all. I don't see any reason in living. Everything about my life sucks and has always been, I'm a worthless human, I fucked up things to many times, I have tried therapy, meditation, sport but nothing seems to get better. I have developed such a bad attitude towards everything and I completely stopped functioning by now. I'm only 18 but I can't have a normal life and don't think I ever will, so whats the point?",severe
dev_pid_4343,"tips for dealing with auto aggression? : Hi guys. So I have a long history of dealing with self harm and anger attacks (focused on myself). I got the self harm out of the way and havent done it in years or so but my mental health is deteriorating again and the anger attacks keep coming back all the time. It hasn't been this bad in a while.
I've got a therapist, yes, but hes not a lot of help regarding this. I need tips how to get rid of the excess energy. I usually go for a run in summer or cycle or some shit, but I feel i need something different, like having something to break or tear apart or punch... any ideas?",severe
dev_pid_4344,"Been in remission for months now but still can't seem to get solid hygiene practices back : Ever since I've been on Sertraline starting almost a year ago my depression has gradually been becoming less and less of an issue, so all good there, however I still even when feeling completely normal and happy, seem to be able to get myself to shower, brush/floss teeth, etc every day, despite a considerable will and effort to do so.
Before I became depressed and still to some extent now, I would shower every single night without question or exception, rain hail or shine, I would shower before bed, and brush + floss my teeth at least twice per day, and usually washed my hands after using the toilet, I felt and still feel very dirty and disgusting when I don't do any of these in a 24h period, yet I've still become apathetic, and seem to forget to do it or not care enough and just take my mind off the dirty feeling and haven't been able to shake it even without a cloud over my head all day.
Any suggestions to be able to restablish solid hygiene habits after going into remission?
Cheers.",severe
dev_pid_4345,50 something and still not dealing with my depression very well. : My depression started just after having a heart attach at 35...from there it only worsened...I recovered fine but could not get my work life and family life back to normal..I was then diagnosed with anxiety and severe ADHD..things started to get away..but I wasn't noticing it as others did...lost my wife and family..my home ..ended up broken and depressed...still haven't been able to get over the depression....how do we do this?,severe
dev_pid_4346,"it's been a while since my suicide attempt : hello reddit, i go by the name lemon and i'm 15 years old. as the title says, it's been around a month and 3 days since my (hopefully last) suicide attempt. i drank much more antidepressants than what i'm prescribed to and immediately regretted it. ended up staying at the hospital for 3 days and missing a lot of schoolwork.
things have been going better recently for me. it's not the best, it could be better, and i still suffer from episodes from time to time. but tbh at least i'm still alive and got some will in me to live. i don't have much friends compared to a month ago and my grades could be much better if i wasn't so serotonin-deficient, but tbh, i'm starting to think of it as a good thing.
this probably sounds weird and boring, but i've been getting into mycology lately!! i still have a lot to learn but tbh learning about mushrooms and fungi in general is so cool and interesting. i started growing some on my own too to keep myself busy (:
thanks for listening (listening? reading?) my babbles, i hope you have a lovely day, whoever you are.",severe
dev_pid_4347,"Im struggling. : Im suffering from major depression, GAD, and ADHD. all of which im not currently medicated for (will soon though.)  
but my mental health is deteriorating day by day, and its mainly due to my family and home life.  
I cant afford to get a driver's license, Theres nowhere i can go, and my home life is incredibly strained and absolutely horrid.  
my mental health has gotten so bad that i have been having thoughts of suicide, i have been picking at my skin due to stress (which has left scars all over my body) and my therapist is a dead end. all he suggests is better communication with my family, but when i do that, it seems to just get worse.  
i feel im forced to keep my mouth shut, and the thoughts of ending myself keep me up at night.  
im not sure what to do, anymore. Im poor, my parents are divorced, but both of them are aggressive. the only thing thats keeping me breathing day by day is my dog and my plant.",severe
dev_pid_4348,"can we admit that antidepressants are pointless? : I recently started taking antidepressants after i went to the doctor for another issue. to be honest, at first i was excited because hey, im finally doing something about my depression even if im pushed into it for something else. but now, after a couple months, i realize that its just as much bullshit as everything else. it doesnt help anything. its just a bullshit placebo like everything else. life is still the same meaningless bullshit shit hole its always been. theres no point to it. ive always contemplated dying but never thought it was skmething i would go through with. tonight though, it makes sense. im so sorry for my family but i mean isnt it a better option for me? 
im sorry to spring this on you guys.i just need to vent. and as much as i want to die, i dont want it to be a messy affair for my family. id like some advice to make it as simple and clean as possible. i hate doing this to my family but, it needs to be done. im so sorry. just let me go. please help me make this as easy as possible.on them.",severe
dev_pid_4349,"Prozac and my new life : I've never posted anything on here before, but I stumbled on this subreddit and wow what a relief. To see the out pouring of people sharing their stories is amazing. I've recently started on medication (Prozac 20mg) and let me tell you WHAT A GAME CHANGER. My thoughts are far more clear and the so much negativity is gone. My ability to think rationally now is so unreal it's almost euphoric. It's been about a month now and I've gone through so many changes with my mental health it is truly exciting and such a relief. However, as the days go by and the euphoria of this clarity dwindles I find myself becoming stressed over the flood of thoughts and positivity. I was wondering if there was anyone else out there that can offer some of their experiences or advice to keep powering forward and conquering this what I see as a second chance with mental health. 
 To give you some background on myself; I am know 30 and was diagnosed with depression at a very young age (6-7). Until recently I wasn't aware of that fact which was honestly a bit disturbing to hear. Also, on top of that, as it turns out, I was medicated shortly after being diagnosed and for some reason given the choice a few months later to stop the medication (idk what med). Naturally as a 7 or 8y.o I chose not to take it anymore. For as long as I can remember I was always that kid that had some sort of erratic behavior. Anything I did it was to the max. Every feeling and emotion was amplified and caused me to act out in a less than constructive manner. I had and lost countless friends because of my behavior and never really knew why. As I got older the confusion and heart ache of not understanding why I was the way I was turned a lot of the embarrassment into fear and anger. Once middle school came around I started to act out and get in a lot of trouble. By 7th grade I had been arrested for the first time and severed every friendship I had but one. I then went to a private school for HS where things started to get better and I was able to reinvent myself. I was in a tougher area with tougher people who could handle me and put me in my place when things got bad. The trouble continued. I was arrested again sophomore year and the outbursts only got worse from there. I now realize that I was a person who self harmed. I tried on several occasions to hang myself in elementary school, I would make dangerous and impossible jumps to send me and my bike off knowing I wouldn't lad safely in middle school, I ran/skated head first as hard as I could into people on the ice and on the football field sometimes knocking myself out because I like the way i punished myself, I enlisted as a grunt in the Marines to go to combat and hopefully be killed so I didn't have to do it myself, I failed in college, I failed in a construction setting, I became a firefighter for many of the same reasons as the Marines, I torture myself with horrific online videos, and worst of all I was self depricating to the point of immobility and almost suicide several times. Last year I decided to seek help because I was in a relationship with a person I thought was the one. Best decision I ever made. After refusing so many times out of skepticism I finally decided to take medication. It took two different meds to find the right one but wow what a change. I can happily say I've made significant improvement in my mental health and finally feel I can be happy. I'm out of a toxic relationship and into a brand new world. Does anyone share similar stories or want to hear more about mine to see if you relate? Open to any and all questions.",severe
dev_pid_4350,"Is it depression or is it just me? : I have been depressed for all my life. I do not really know the feeling of happiness, I barely even smile. Of course, I learned how to fake it (like most of us?) because I didn't want to upset my mom and people around me. Ever since I was 8 I started feeling suicidal and let's just say I've been trying to end my suffering by trying to end my life. Well, of course I tried therapy, antidepressants, tried to change my life but nothing really works. Now I'm 23 and I've come to the conclusion that maybe it's not depression, it is just me. I was born to be like that, to be unhappy and suicidal. I lost control over my emotions, I do not have strength to fake it anymore (even when I know I really should to), so now I'm even crying like a baby in public places. I do not really have family other than my mom, I literally have no friends, no one is here to help me and.. believe me, I cannot help myself, I've tried. Do I even want to be helped? Damn. Now I'm just waiting for the right moment to kill myself. Probably after graduation, because I don't even see myself going to 9-5 job, I am too scared of people. Everything in me is just so empty. Nothing really matters. I should be removed from this world.",severe
dev_pid_4351,"Lost : First and foremost, I will readily admit that I am a complete shambles of a human being.
Despite turning 30 in a few months’ time, I am unemployed and still live at home with my mother. Moreover, I have only been in one relationship and haven’t had any friends in 13 years. 
After making two attempts to take my own life, I was diagnosed with BPD (now commonly referred to as emotionally unstable personality disorder). However, I now question the validity of such a diagnosis as I have since been diagnosed with a form of autism and ADHD.
Whilst I have tried numerous types of therapy and anti-depressants over the past decade, I still find myself feeling numb, mentally foggy/blank and sometimes there’s a sense of detachment from reality.
I don’t know what to do. :/",severe
dev_pid_4352,"How can I be happy? : Is there a way I can feel better about my life? Some of the people on this sub and r/Drugs and the likes have seen me post before and know I have issues with drugs, my current addiction being heroin which has last three years. I went all week without a hit from the needle which is a huge accomplishment thanks to my boyfriend throwing out my kit. But even with these improvements, temporary happiness is even fading.
When I hang out with my boyfriend and his friends, when I go skating, when I work, each time I feel lower and lower like I'm falling. I try so hard to be happy and forget the past but it's like the sadness sticks to me like glue. Is there some sort of medicine or therapy I can take to boost my happiness? I don't trust antidepressants because I have had issues with them in past experiences.
Sorry for any issues, English is not my first language.",severe
dev_pid_4353,"Never Been Suicidal Until Now : I’m a 19 year old kid trying to finish up my second semester in college.  Up until I was about 17 I’d say I had a pretty normal life.  However, in January 2018 my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He had a long-fought battle but the disease eventually took his life in January 2019.  In the months leading up to Jan. 2019, I missed a good portion of my senior year due to me having to help my mom nurse him on a day to day basis.  It was during this time when I believe my depression first was onset.  I was getting 2-3 hours of sleep at most everyday while I had to watch my father wither away.  Consequentially, due to me missing so much school, my GPA dropped significantly and I was in a dual credit course at the time with the college I planned to attend which lowered my college GPA before I was even in it.  After my fathers passing, my family began to fight over money that he had supposedly owed to another family member even though there was no proof.  This left a rift in my family and I hardly hear from that entire side at all now.  Fast forward to graduation and Summer of 2019, I started smoking weed daily just to get my mind off things.  This became an extremely toxic habit and I spent most of the money I had on a fucking plant and paraphernalia.  Finally, August rolls around and I begin my first semester at college.  For a brief period, things seemingly got better and I didn’t feel as empty as before.  However, about a month in I got a sinus infection and this persisted until February until I ultimately had to have surgery.  Around early December, I began talking to a beautiful girl who I really liked and once again I had hope that maybe things would get better.  It was at this time though I started abusing drugs and I would take Molly, Xanax, Coke, Percs, etc. to dull the pain I felt.  Fast forward again to January and rush for fraternities is starting to happen.  At my school, your social life is pretty much contingent on being Greek so it’s almost a necessity to be in a house if you want to meet new people and make new friends.  However, the process is extremely competitive as well and based a lot on connections.  The house that I’m well connected to got into trouble a day before rush started and could no longer take a new class.  Inevitably, I had to go to houses where I had no connections at and with a very large school like mine getting a bid is very unlikely.  I put a great deal of value into getting into a house because I had hoped my life would change for the better for once, but unfortunately things didn’t work out and I was left empty handed.  Additionally, all my close friends who had supported me up until this point are all now in houses and since then I have had very little contact with them.  On top of that the girl I was talking to got into an amazing house which I’m happy of her for, but this meant that I could only see her a couple days a week at most.  The week after rush I got extremely sick and was throwing up daily with a low grade fever.  My mom was worried about me so she took me home to the hospital.  The doctor told me I needed to have surgery within the next week to fix my sinuses and on top of that I also had active mononucleosis.  As a result, I missed about 3 weeks of school in February and fell behind in almost all of my classes.  When I finally got back, I had to drop 2 of my classes, putting both my scholarship and admittance into the particular school for the major i’m in at risk.  At this time, the girl I was talking to began distancing herself from me even more.  Fast forward to today, and I slept through my midterm for a required class for my major meaning there’s good chance I need to unenroll this semester now and the girl I was talking to is posting another dude all over her social media.  I’m sorry if this is trivial, but I feel like no matter how hard I try life is just repeatedly beating me down.  So here I am today.  A broke kid who got a 1570 on his SAT but could only manage to get a 2.1 in college and on the verge of losing everything I’ve worked towards my entire life, lonely and losing the one thing that made me happy.  I don’t really care if anyone reads this or not but I had to get all my feelings out because everyday I wake up and just cry.  Physically I feel awful, I’m lonely, I feel like a failure, and nobody is here for me to even talk to.",severe
dev_pid_4354,"I feel like I was fired because of my mental illness : I got fired from my job yesterday because I missed 4 days of work from being sick, I even had a Dr’s note for every day. I feel like my boss used my mental illness against me too. About a month and a half ago I had a panic attack in front of my bosses and told them I was having a hard time adjusting to the job and told her that I was depressed and trying to cope. Today the HR person and my boss pulled me into their office and the HR lady said “So, you missed four days of work and you’ve shared with us that you don’t like working here, so we’re letting you go.” I was too stunned to say anything so I just sat quietly while they brought me the things from my desk in a box and walked me out. I’m incredibly angry, but relieved at the same time. I’m also scared and anxious because I’ve never had no income before and I’ve never been fired. I really felt like what they did was so cruel. I’m trying to think positive and push forward.",severe
dev_pid_4355,"Hi everyone : I am sitting on my bathroom floor with a small green knife next to me. I have contemplated committing suicide and I really want to do it, I dont have the guts suddenly. I wanted to die using helium, because its painless but I cant wait to get some helium, I want to do it now before having to live through another agonizing day. I tried go cut my wrist but I couldnt. And I tried to call suicide prevention but the waiting for them to pick up agitates me, so I drop it 
I dont know what to do. I cant do anything but sit and cry and hope my life will finally end.",severe
dev_pid_4356,"Social anxiety makes me want to die sometimes : 
My social phobia started 5 years ago. My worst episode was when I barely left the house for half a year. I was rarely going out and if I was going out (when I really had to go to the pharmacy or hospital) it was dark (still early in the morning or late in the evening). I went to two groups for people with social phobia and individual therapy sessions with my therapist. It got better. It was so hard with the first group. I was getting strongest headaches because of extreme anxiety (I still get those) and had to take tranquillisers each time. I started to talk to people but just the ones who attended the groups. My social anxiety is still bad. Sometimes I am better. Sometimes it gets so bad that I want to die cause it’s so painful to live like this. I felt it yesterday. I really had to go to the mall to buy my partner a gift. It was a painful experience (I was constantly analysing my words and behaviour, my heart was pounding, stuttering). Then I went alone to the movies (I like horrors) and for 2,5 hours I was constantly analysing my behaviour and my words to the ladies who work in the store (I also have OCD). I’m anxious in public and sometimes I even have to take tranquillisers just to leave the house. I’m waisting my youth because of depression and social phobia. I wasted 5 years of my life. I know some people have it worse. But this is my experience. I just hope I will get better and start living.",severe
dev_pid_4357,"Maybe some people are meant to be sad : After trying many different medications I'm starting to think that maybe its not that im depressed, maybe i just have a shitty life and should be sad about it and theres nothing to be done. Maybe i was made to suffer and nothing will ever stop this feeling. Maybe its just the way things are.",severe
dev_pid_4358,"Do you ever get so deeply depressed that it actually scares the living s**t out of you? : I don't even know how to put this into words, but sometimes when I get deeply depressed, I have this feeling that everything is so god d\*\*n bleak and hopeless that nothing's ever gonna fix that and I'm doomed and everything's going to hell, I will never experience happiness again and maybe I'm going to get hospitalized because I'll be too depressed and unable to do s\*\*t and my parents are gonna sit next to my bed and cry thinking ""what have we done wrong??"" etc etc... and that scares the living s\*\*t out of me! So then it's not just depression but also terrible fear, that is, two huge problems at the same time and I feel paralyzed about it and whatever I try to do about it, like thinking more rationally about the situation, it just does not work as the feeling is too strong and I get even more scared because it does not work which makes hospitalization (etc) even more likely, and the loop continues. The only thing that ""works"" it literally doing *nothing* about it, just waiting for it to end by itself, and just trying to occupy myself with whatever I need to be doing at the time. That way I endure the least possible amount of misery.
The strangest thing is, this kind of deep fearful depression often happens for no real reason, like if I already woke up depressed and the day is bad to start with. Usually as the day goes on, the feeling dissipates and by the evening, I feel much better and often totally ""forget"" about the episode.
*I almost asked if this was normal... :-D*
*Note: This is my 2nd attempt at posting this. First time I used some common but offensive words like ""s\*\*t"" without censoring it and that didn't go well, the post was deleted. It didn't do it to be purposefully rude and offensive but more as a freedom taken to illustrate the seriousness of the issue. Am I allowed to say ""god d\*\*n"" or is that offensive too? Never matter, I'll censor that too.*",severe
dev_pid_4359,"After struggling with depression for the last 13 years I feel like I've come out on top : This is the only place where I feel like people could possibly understand what I went through and I want to both vent and celebrate a bit.
I first started therapy for depression in 2007 when I was in 5th grade. What followed were years of therapy (13, in fact), multiple month-long stays in mental hospitals, a suicide attempt, tons of different meds (anti depressants and anti psychotics because I suffered from depression-induced psychosis at one point), an eating disorder (EDNOS), got diagnosed with social anxiety, I self harmed for years upon years and have gotten hundreds of stitches and staples throughout that time. I've written suicide notes over and over again, set myself end dates, contemplated my death thousands of times. I have a difficult family situation and have endured bullying in school for many years. I dropped out of University because of my depression. I truly thought that I would never, EVER overcome my mental illness even a bit.
Now it's 2020. I recently saw my therapist for the last time, though I've only met up with him about 3 times in the last 2 years anyway. I haven't self-harmed in about 1.5 years. Last time I took meds was about 2 years ago. 
Do I still feel down sometimes? Fuck yes. I dislike my job and still struggle with self-hatred sometimes. I still don't have friends. But on average, I feel happy. I go to the gym 3 times a week, I have hobbies, I can laugh and I can cry (used to be too numb for that), I read a lot and work on improving myself, and most of all - I genuinely want to live. I want to know what else life has in store for me. I enjoy being alive. 
If you've read this then I just want to thank you for your time and want you to know that there is hope for you even if you are just like I was - absolutely hopeless and thinking that there's no way to ever be cured from this.",severe
dev_pid_4360,"I feel like all my energy is gone : Hello, recently things got worse and worse, I lost all my friends, I got fired from my favourite job and my heart got broken. People start to avoid me or act weird around me. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone anymore, I just feel like nobody likes me anymore and people start ignoring me. My heart literally hurts and I dont know how to handle this anymore. 
I do have clinical depression, and I have been going to therapy but it doesnt help me anymore so I left.
Can I change myself so people start liking me? If yes, does anyone have tips?",severe
dev_pid_4361,"Feeling suicidal how do you keep pushing forward? : Just to note I'm on medication, I have changed my medication, it helps with the anxiety. I'm also in therapy and I have a great therapist. I know I'm very lucky. 
It's been about a year and a half since this particular episode and now I'm back were I started...making plans again. I feel incredibly frustrated and an absolute burden. I guess I want to vent and a little support. What do you do when your feeling this low?",severe
dev_pid_4362,Ending it at the end of the month. I'm done : Medication after medication after medication continually fails. No one wants me around anyhow. I'm just using up oxygen and resources. I can't do this anymore.,severe
dev_pid_4363,"Wellbutrin and Paroxetine (severely depressed and exhausted) : Hey everyone,
I would really love to hear some first hand experiences, because I am in a terrible place right now.
I have suffered from depression for decades. I am currently taking 40mg Paroxetine for depression(about 4 years) and 10mg (3x) of dextroamphetamine(about 2 years, not everyday).
 If I don't take  the dextroamphetamine I suffer from severe lethargy, hollowness, lack of interest in almost all of the activities I am passionate about, horrible absence of sex drive and just a general ambivalent disposition about everything. The Paroxetine has helped tremendously with my obsessive thoughts, my insomnia and some aspects of my general anxiety; however, I cannot continue living life with this feeling of complete lack of passion and drive.
I don't want to be on dexedrine any longer as it's effects are dwindling and so I am thinking about trying Wellbutrin. I'm hoping that it will, to some extent, help with the lethargy and help negate some of the numbed feelings of Paroxetine. 
I understand that it is a DNRI, and I believe I understand it's pharmacological action. I know it won't give me the alertness that dextroamphetamine does, and that's fine. I just want to have my feelings of excitement, sexual intrigue, and interest in more than sleeping and staying inside the house. 
I know everyone is different, but please, has anyone went from amphetamines to wellbutrin and how was your experience? Any help would be greatly appreciated, I feel like I'm completely stuck.  Thanks!",severe
dev_pid_4364,"I don’t understand : I wanna kill myself but I won’t because “I shouldn’t do it.” But I don’t wanna live and i have no energy to live so how the hell am I gonna get better if I don’t have the motivation to get better? I’m on antidepressants and I’m supposed to go to therapy but I’m not going because I don’t have the energy to do so. How can someone like me who’s so depressed that they have no hope of becoming better and have no motivation to get better actually get better. Or how can people expect them not to kill themselves when there’s no fucking chance of getting a better life.
I’m actually really mad it isn’t accepted to kill yourself. If in that way I’m gonna be happy then let me be. People who want me to stay alive don’t realise how much I hate myself and always will. I don’t remember a moment I didn’t hate myself. Just let me and the people who don’t want the “gift” of life die and try to see it as their sweet release.",severe
dev_pid_4365,"Breakups and recurrent depression : I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years about 3 weeks ago, and I handled things pretty well for the first couple of weeks but now I feel like I've slid downhill. I was diagnosed with recurrent major depression, and have been medicated for it, about two years ago. I'm starting to notice some of my signs of depression, including complete lack of motivation, minor things being overwhelming (hello laundry!), etc.
At what point is it reasonable to say that maybe my medication isn't working as well as it should be vs these are normal things after a break up? I currently just see my primary care doctor for prescribing, is it time to move to a psychiatrist? I am already seeing a regular therapist.",severe
dev_pid_4366,"I want help but all the help I've gotten doesn't really help : I've been depressed for 7 years and I don't want to feel this way anymore, but every time I get help or try to talk to someone about it they don't understand. The last therapist I went to helped but also didn't, she pretty much said I didn't need to see her anymore. I know I have no reason really to feel the way I do but I can't change the way I feel. My mom doesn't take it serious because of issues with my older sister. All the solutions I've tried just seem like quick temporary fixes. I don't  really know what to do anymore.",severe
dev_pid_4367,"I called three different helplines tonight : I wanted to end things tonight. I came incredibly close to doing it but chickened out. I knew it would fail and I’d have to deal with the consequences. I still feel so rough
I called the helpline given to me by the Adult Mental Health Team for their patients. I spoke to a mental health nurse. She told me this is expected because of my change in medication. She didn’t tell me how to deal with it. She said it’s my brain missing the serotonin and it’ll be ok soon.
I called NHS 111. They deemed it not an emergency since I didn’t go through with it. I’m ok with that since I really don’t wanna spend a night in the hospital waiting room so I can chat to a psychiatrist for 10 minutes. The call taker was very mechanical about things. She told me to speak to a crisis team.
I called my local mental health crisis team. They said I should speak to the Adult Mental Health Team helpline (the one I called first). They said I should take my meds for the night and then listen to some music. Just mindfully listen and clear my head.
It was weird. They all just decided the call was over. They never asked if I had anything I wanted to say. Maybe that’s unreasonable for me to expect. If I called three helplines and none worked, maybe I’m the problem. They were all trained healthcare professionals, not volunteers. It should have worked. I feel like a lost cause.",severe
dev_pid_4368,"I hate everything about myself : I cannot stand who I am. I have nothing going for me. I’m not depressed, I don’t want to die, but I absolutely hate the person I am. I’m incredibly ugly, stupid, and a horrible person. No matter what I do to try to improve myself I set myself back further. Last year I tried to off myself and I took 32,500mg of aspirin and instead of dying I destroyed my kidneys. I have type 1 diabetes, peripheral neuropathy, PTSD, ADHD, and terrible anxiety. Everything in my life brings me pain and I can never have a moment of happiness. I know I don’t want to die, I want to live, but I don’t want to live being the person I am. I want to improve myself but all my negative qualities still stand true. My entire life I have always felt this way about myself. I just want happiness, that is everything to me. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I’m so bored of life and tired of who I am. I’m a senior in high school and I’ve skipped every school dance because I can never find a date or anyone who is remotely interested in me. I literally have no positive qualities about myself. Even if I’m not in pain mentally, I will still always be hurting physically. I have good grades in school, accepted into a good college, and am going to be a registered nurse. But what is the point of the future if my entire life is pain? It is all I know.",severe
dev_pid_4369,"Paralyzed from emotions : Its Saturday. Its a beautiful day out. There are things that I can think of to do and go.
I feel completely overwhelmed and paralyzed from my emotions. The past 2 hours I was laying in bed with my eyes closed trying to pass out or to stop thinking. I am constantly thinking of killing myself. I'm constantly thinking of what validates me to be alive.  I think purpose is self prescribed; but every day since I was young I keep hold on this existential shame and want to kill myself. I stop explainging that I'm upset to people other than just saying that I'm depressed. I wish that I didnt exist. I have been having disassociative feelings where I'm outside of my physical body watching a movie play in from my experiences for the past couple years. Things always feel like they get worse and more hopeless. 
I started doing things that I feel like are somewhat close to self mutilation but I feel too ashamed to describe to anyone. I started therapy a year ago because I keep thinking of killing myself and I begin to plan out how I need to do it to make sure it gets done instead of trying to find what good there may be in life.
I'm 33 years old. I see younger teens on here and some other ages too.  I have a lot of good things in life but they don't really 'mean' anything to me.  I have a job and enough money to live in a small apartment.  I don't feel like I have friends that I can really talk to and I get further from my family all of the time.
I'm just waiting to die everyday.  I wake up and fall asleep thinking that I shouldn't be alive.  When people describe to me what makes life worthwhile to them it doesn't make sense to me. 
I just want everything to fade to black. No more experiences.  I want to return to nothing - that's where I belong.  I feel like I'm crying but no tears come out.  Just this sinking inside of me and a soft shudder within my chest like quiet sobbing. 
I'm also bummed because my therapist (an intern who has been pretty good at describing emotional intelligence and helping me understand how to describe some things better) is going to possibly stop meeting me and she said she might refer me to a different therapist. Not the end of the world, but still sad to think of this person that I've been explaining my sadness to.
Thats pretty much it. I think I just needed to write something instead of balling up and pretending not to exist in bed mid-afternoon.",severe
dev_pid_4370,"Had a nightmare about suicide : I haven’t had a major depressive episode in three years. When I was depressed, I had three dreams about suicide, and each of them shook me up and I’ll never forget them. Lately, I’ve been having some signs of relapse creeping in which have been haunting me, and yesterday I had a nightmare about suicide which really messed me up.
In the dream, it was a sunny day and I was outside my fraternity house where some of the other brothers were hanging out, all laughing and smiling and having a great time. There was a group of my other friends there, none of whom were in my fraternity, and I went to go hang out with them; but one of them kept making jokes about ending her life when she was serious (in real life she’s not depressed or remotely mentally ill at all so I don’t know why I conjured this up). She was saying stuff like “well when I jump off a bridge this won’t matter” and everyone was laughing, but I burst into tears in the dream because she was one of my favorite friends and I couldn’t stand the thought of her suffering. To make matters worse, I was having thoughts of suicide myself in the dream. One of the other people in the group looked at me while I was crying and asked, “what’s wrong?” and I said “because none of these people around me will be here after I end my life.”
Then I started thinking about the pain of suicide in the dream, thinking about the anguish that people’s parents, siblings, friends, and lovers must feel when they think they could’ve done something to stop it and they start to blame themselves. I said to myself “I hate thinking about suicide” and cried even harder, and then I “woke up” in the dream (but not actually in real life). Then after I woke up from that dream into another dream, I was suddenly in my best friend’s house traumatized from that dream I had. I was going to see my girlfriend soon, but I was still depressed from that dream and started getting mad at myself for not being happy and thinking about ending my life even though I have her. Then I actually woke up into real life and was completely shaken by what my subconscious had generated.
I wanted to tell my friends about the dream I had but thought it was too morbid to tell them, so I thought maybe typing it out could help me get over it.",severe
dev_pid_4371,"Desperately need help but can never seem to get results : I’m at a complete loss and have no idea where to look. My whole life people have perceived me as the funny, goofy extrovert. To be fair it’s a role I’ve given to myself, growing up I would always try to dismiss anything I found negative with a joke. Being the funny one allowed me to hide from reality and kept me happy. This worked fine throughout elementary school and made me a pretty happy kid, yet in middle school things started taking a turn for the worse. 
For as I can remember I’ve struggled with ADHD and anger issues. After middle school and throughout high school I started developing symptoms of anxiety, depression, insomnia, and borderline bipolarism. Im not sure if I can say I was bullied, but I have definitely been traumatized by certain friend groups and people. For example, in grades 8 and 9 I was in a toxic friend group with the older “cool kids”. Because I was the young one I was always seen as lesser and treated like I was everyone’s verbal punching bag. I would often be excluded from events or embarrassed in class because of the teasing. In grade 11 I once got confronted by an angry mob of big dudes because some guy that I beat up (in complete self defence) told someone that I was making fun of his autistic friend. This resulted in me getting circled and nearly lynched (not literally, at least I hope) for something I didn’t do. I still struggle with severe PTSD from that day. 
I’m not fucked up all of the time, sometimes I’ll go weeks feeling like I’m on cloud 9. But no matter what it all comes back eventually. The only thing I’ve actually had diagnosed is ADHD, simply because I have no idea how to explain my other internal struggles nor do I want to. Very rarely will I tell someone that I need help. Anytime I’ve ever tried to bring them up friends or family my problems were trivialized and met with responses like “oh things will get better with time” or “just wait till you’re an adult, you’ll figure it out”. 
Well I’m an adult now, and I sure as fuck haven’t figured it out. I struggle with the same issues I’ve had since I was a kid, and it’s made me feel so terribly isolated no matter how many friends/family I’m surrounded by. I’ve resorted to smoking weed every single day until I pass out to try and keep my problems at bay while I try to finish university. This has made me a lazy cunt that struggles to maintain what used to be my favourite hobby, bodybuilding. I’ve tried quitting a few times, however whenever I stay sober for long enough the dark stuff that’s haunted me my entire life just comes back. 
I’ve had to quit drinking, I can’t party with my friends anymore because every time I get drunk I let out years of suppressed anger and frustration. I’ve gotten into many drunk fights, and it’s gotten to the point where I will talk shit to people twice my size without any rational thought behind it. While drunk, it’s either the version of me that loves everyone and will strike up a conversation with strangers to maybe get a laugh or some new friends, or it’s the version of me that is a complete asshole and wants to beat the shit out of anyone that gives even the slightest indication that they want to fight. This is why I ended up loving weed so much, when I’m baked I’m the nice version of myself that I recognize from when I was kid. Fuck I wish I could go back to my childhood.
I don’t blame people for not understanding, I can never communicate it properly. Every time I’ve met with my psychiatrist it’s like I’m describing a completely different issue, I often times over exaggerate or under exaggerate certain symptoms for literally no reason, it’s like I just panic and lie whenever someone try’s to get me to open up. Because of this inconsistency lots of people just assume I’m full of shit all the time and I’ve definitely lost credibility on certain subjects. I’m only 19 years old, and I’m starting to reach my breaking point. I don’t know what is causing all of this, but there is nothing I want more than to feel consistently normal. 
If you were to see me in public, you wouldn’t guess any of this. You would see a nice, funny extrovert that has a wonderful family, good friends and gets good grades. Behind that mask is a lonely cunt that doesn’t fully understand other people and sure as fuck doesn’t understand himself. I do have lots of great friends and I couldn’t have asked for a better family, however despite my blessings I feel terribly cursed. 
Please, does anybody have some advice???",severe
dev_pid_4372,"Why do I even bother to get help when no one listens? : My sui thoughts are getting worse so what to they do? Tell me to take a medication that I dont want to take and will probably just make everything worse.
I'm in a crisis so I call a crisis line and what do they do? Tell me to text an extremely unreliable person who'll probably text back like 2 days later and tell me everything's fine as of 5 days ago, like what a relief! That won't make me panic more!
It's like I ask for help and they ask themselves ""hmm, how can we push you even further towards the edge?"" Mental health care is such a fucking joke.",severe
dev_pid_4373,"Why do you choose to live? : I am super done with life. I hate living. I hate looking in front of the mirror everyday and looking at my reflection. I delusionally quit computer science when I realized even if I make 150k a year it wouldn't be enough to support my family let alone the people in my neighborhood. I don't know, I guess over time you start to sympathize with the kid who has crackhead parents and realize, there is an unlikely chance he is going down an educated path. Just by observing those people with same scenario my age. I look at homeless people and wonder the same thing. They are put on pills that keep them on streets because pharmacies is just a business. In my city the people prescribing them just need money and a job. The thing I hate most about myself too is the fact I feel sorry for myself, there are kids in the middle East who get drugged from a young age and used for militaristic purposes. There is the camps in China where people are getting raped, kids who are being kidnapped and used for organ harvesting and kept alive. People say the world is getting better but it feels blind. I know people in Canada like to seek themselves as good, but is buying a phone not technically supporting those evil acts. The truth is those phones are being made by underpaid workers in a different country.  There's also so many other issues. Like a lot of people hate on hip hop music and the hypersexuality and hypercriminalty aspect of it, but there's so many more layers to that. These artist who need to comply to middle class market since middle class kids bring in revenue from buying tickets to shows. They get all the blame for that type of music but the reality is they make it for the industry. If middle class kids liked bubbly music I'm a 100% certain these poor artist would start making music like that. The truth is in poor areas the reality is if you choose to go to school, you won't be able to support your familly so the two paths that do make enough money is selling drugs, or making music and blowing up. The other sad truth is 1 in some big number artist make it. Look at all those artist, most of the poor ones were criminals or lived a gangster lifestyle (in this generation). A lot of these artist don't want to do that. NBA youngboy (jail, drugs, etc), the Kelly (killed best friend), Kodak black (drugs, jail, etc).  
Why don't they just do pop? No resources, not enough time to work a 8 hour job, sing, create, etc. A lot of pop artist have big teams. If your a female in a poor area you're even more screwed. Most famous female artist in the industry went to music schools, were rich, and had connections. Their isn't much opportunity for them that can support their love ones. We see those who succeeded but not many of those who didn't. A lot of them did put work in too. My whole point is humans are corrupt and some people get the back end of it while others get built up from those people. The pharmacies, the organ harvesters, etc. Even everyday people are, we just been dehumanized to it, or are just blind to their actions. Anyways I ask myself, why should you live if you're just at the bottom? Hope? We see all these inspirational stories but the reality is most people don't end up like that. You have to pick a poison. In the world we live in it's getting harder and harder for people to make it out. Kids getting drugged at young age, underpaid workers with no education and no one willing to hand that out. Homeless people, being put into a loop, and from what I've seen, a lot of ignorant people judging them. Why should I live, work 5 times harder, sacrifice all of my free time, just to end up having the same job as the other guy? Also, I mentioned I hate myself even more for being ungrateful cause some people have less, but why? Why should that be okay? Why is that something you can tell someone. Be grateful, someone out there has it way worse. I disagree with telling someone that. There should be a fine line. I think kids shouldn't get drugged from a young age and turned into tools. Why is suicide looked down upon is what I'm asking. Hell, should I tell that homeless person to have hope? Statistically speaking, things aren't getting better for him. Enjoy the little things. This is where I am just being a brat, but it's hard to enjoy those things when I don't know if I'm getting food tommorow, and then I see someone on social media skiing down a mountain with no cares in the world. Humans are competitive by nature and being at the bottom you don't have many sense of achievement especially in the era we live in. It kinda gets to you. What is the point of living? Friends and family I never see cause we all have our own schedules and are super busy busting our asses off? Also people do care they just to social media to help. Reality is that doesn't help. We had a protest in my city recently and the way protesting in this era works is you make a post on your page. You can't get violent or cause disruption or else you get arrested. Therefore you just watch them as they do the thing you don't want. It seems like half the time people bring awareness to stuff it's cause it's trendy too. I saw so many post on the Australian fires, but a few on the Uighur camps in China. I saw millions mourn the death of a rapper, but minimal awareness to other things that are way worse cause it isn't trendy. Respect to black live matters but but what happens if you do that with another race? It doesn't work. Some races are getting fucked over way harder in this day and age. No one puts their hand up cause it's not a trendy movement, not to say the movements they support aren't important. 8.4 mill on black lives and less than 100000 combined on Mexican and brown. Sorry random rants in random order. Lots to get off my chest. What's the point of living. I'm a brown guy from a poor neighbourhood so just being a famous artist would be way harder just cause of my colour. I looked it up, and found only 1 brown person in a list of upcoming artist and actors list. The rest were predominantly white or black. Statistically speaking, woman are less interested in brown guys. Even brown chicks guys from other races. I'd say a lack of media portrayal has a doing in that. The other options aren't so friendly either. Go to school and not support my family. Bust my ass off, start a business and make enough money but at that point my chances are the same in music. What's the point in living? Hell I make it seem like I'm just saying for people at the bottom, but even other people too.",severe
dev_pid_4374,"Depressed me ruined my life : Recently stopped a  depression med with my psychiatrist's permission. My symptoms immediately improved. Had been on antidepressants since 14; I'm 26 now. I initially did great after quitting the med, but taking stock of life has been a bummer.
I hate the (admittedly lucrative) field I'll be working in, but that doesn't bother me so much. I hate being an adult and not having the social skills to make new friends or have romantic relationships. I hate the vicious cycle of social isolation and social anxiety. I hate knowing that I missed out on years of essential social development. 
There are two things that really bother me about this. 
First, it's my fault. Men have tried to be friends with me (even recently), women have shown interest in me (not so much anymore lmao), but I just ignored them and wasted my life reading nonfiction books that serve no use beyond bringing a conversation to a halt as fast as possible. Why? First because of depression. Then because I had  isolated myself enough to have social anxiety. Now because I never learned how to have healthy friendships, much less flirt with women. All avoidable. 
Second, it feels like it's over. I didn't have experiences that can only happen at certain times in your life. I've passed the point where being socially incompetent is acceptable. It's fucked and I can't unfuck it. My future coworkers are largely in serious relationships or married. I feel like a child talking to them. They have preexisting friend groups, often near work. I have neither, and I already have a reputation for being weird and antisocial. 
Of course my life isn't ""over"" for certain, but there's probably a substantial chance I end up isolated and depressed again, and the fix won't be as easy as dropping a medication. Then it wouldn't be a cognitive distortion that my life is miserable, and the only way to escape my depression is to escape my life, it would be true. 
Not expecting any advice. Just needed to vent, since there's no one I can say this to irl.",severe
dev_pid_4375,"I need advice... : So I’m just gonna tell you my story.
I’ve felt extremely depressed for the past year and a half or so, ever since my dad died to a heart condition in October of 2018. Flash forward to now, and I’m still like I am, but I feel it’s worse. For one, my family is in very bad shape in terms of finances, especially due to the fact that my mother and father had a baby before he died. So it’s becoming difficult to pay for anything we need, like food, clothes, etc.. 
On the family side of things, most of us are just divided. Fights have broken out, causing some of us to just not show up to family gatherings anymore. It doesn’t really help that I wasn’t exactly close to any of them in the first place. I just feel like I’m caught in the middle of it all. And I feel hopeless because I have absolutely no clue how to help, nor do I think I can.
On the personal side, I just have this deep, severe hatred for myself now. Not only does feeling like this leave me tired and I just have no drive to do anything anymore, even the things I normally enjoy, but it gets really bad sometimes because I sometimes think that I wanna kill myself, and that the world would be better off without me. That the pain would finally end. On top of all that, I’m CONSTANTLY bullied, online and in real life, for enjoying the things that I do, or I just get bullied in general. I also struggle to make friends, because I feel extremely insecure. Most of the kids at my school are super popular, and I’m just this socially anxious, insecure kid in the corner. People tell me to have confidence and people will like me, but it doesn’t work. When I try to be confident and tell jokes and stuff, it leads to people calling me weird, laughing insultingly, or just being silent. Even the friends I do have do this sometimes. My best friend in the whole world (he has always had my back and never once insults me or anything, he just constantly tries to help me out) moved away and I never get to see him anymore.
I’m super sorry for the long explanation, I just really wanna feel better, but I keep losing hope by the minute. I feel like there is zero chance for me to get better. The only chance I have, in my eyes, is for this to all get progressively worse.
Thank you for reading if you did.",severe
dev_pid_4376,"So I realized today that I am so broken I can't be fixed : So I've been in therapy since I was 13 years old and still I am haunted by my past. I don't know how to let go of the terrible things that people have done to me. Like was I a terrible person for sure. I told horrible lies but I lived with the consequences and now I'm left with nothing but torment for the things that have been done to be by others. I don't know how to forgive others. It's not in my nature it's not in my heart. I'm a bitter woman. My husband always tells me that I ""talk down to people."" I don't talk down to people I speak in facts and truths, no one wants to hear it, and Im always the bitch. So fine no one likes me not even my family I'm the black sheep. I've been trying for years and years to fit in but now I'm asking myself why? I don't believe what they believe I  have lived a different life from them so I don't need to be like them. I've been struggling with a severe mental illness for over half my life and things went downhill fast when I got pregnant with my son and I have never recovered. I'm a lost cause and there is no hope for me. I'm here for my kids but I just don't know that it's enough anymore. No one really cares at the end of the day. I'm just some ""stuck up bitch who thinks I'm better than everyone else."" And yes that is a direct quote from my husband! He sounds so nice right?!",severe
dev_pid_4377,"almost killed myself : I had everything planned out. I was going to drink 2 bottles of nail polish remover. I feel so fucking awful all the time and I just wanted to end it. I'm freaking out. I would've be probably dying in pain by now or maybe dead. But i just couldn't do it. I'm still crying after the whole thing. I'm a bit glad i didn't do it, because there's so much to live for and i want to be happy and want everyone to be happy. I'll reach out for help. I won't tell my mom about my suicide attemp, just about my depression. I'm scared she won't understand.",severe
dev_pid_4378,"I’m so tired : Part time job Iv been scraping at for 7 years and the whole time trying for a full time position at the company. Even getting my CDL license to get a step up but showing hard work and loyalty means nothing in this world. Living with mother in-law (who has ever self inflicted ailment known in the book, also a hoarder who we had to clean her room multiple times), fiancés (annoying, over bearing, “can’t be left alone without her bestie”, bitch) of a best friend, and two dogs that just can’t fucking lay down and relax. I want to move me and my future wife out but I can’t get the job to do it. They say money isn’t everything but I bet if I had a shit fucking ton of it I’d be happier. This paycheck to paycheck bullshit is killing me mentally. I pinch every penny I get but it eventually slips from my grasp. I drink on the weekends. Just to bring a lil light into my life. Thought of killing myself but my wife is what I hold on to. She’s my life. My whole world. I just hate that I have to share her and that it’s not just me and her yet. She understands my pain and my problems. She tells me to hold on and that we will be free of all this some day. I use to believe her completely but as of late Iv been growing further and further from the idea. I’m just so tired.",severe
dev_pid_4379,"The world is cruel, unfair, and unforgiving : I have fought this fucking disease since I was a child, apparently born with it, as m symptoms started cropping up during elementary school. I also was diagnosed PTSD, Autism, ADHD, anxiety, and paranoia disorders. I have just reached twenty and yet feel like my life is over.
I have no parents, no family, NO ONE. One of them died when I was in elementary school. My parent tried to shoot themselves in the face in front of me, neglected me, and threw fits of rage early in my childhood. The other abandoned me at birth but I was never put into the ""system"" and tossed from place to place, grew up in a rural hellhole that is rife with crime and poverty, no home. 
All I have left is one of my grandparents, as I watched the other one die, and I weep constantly at the thought of my grandmother dying too. Because I know it is inevitable. Life is cruel.
Nature is not fair. Humans as a species have overcame so many barriers as a species to evolve, yet we create these meaningless societal institutions constructs that create even more unnecessary struggle. All my life I was told my goal was to be good in school, to be smart, to land a good job, and I would make it.
I had no idea that I would be raped as a teenager. I had no idea that I would be molested by doctors and that would create a lifetime of PTSD. I had no idea my first two partners would abuse me. I have tried my damndest to stay in school whilst these terrible things happen, but there is no forgiveness for weakness in this world. 
I remember not finishing some student council powerpoint in my last month of high school. I didn't go to school my last month, as I was borderline suicidal. I remember a teacher getting up in my face and telling me how I didn't deserve to be a leader, how disappointed people should be in me. She had marked me down for months despite me scoring a perfect on the AP exam, because she preferred my sister in a foster home above me, and knew I was terrified of her.
 Another teacher was great friends with the guy who molested me and gave me straight 0s for missing school because my PTSD had become unbearable. The principal told me I should give up my ""dream universities"" and settle for a local tech school that didnt have my program. It was not fair. They didn't realize what I went through at home, or my lack of one.
It's been 3 years, and the people I graduated with are in junior year of university, I am so behind. I managed to go to a somewhat good private school later on with scholarship, but I hate it here. I was borderline molested by another doctor who pushed me around and touched me innapropriately, my PTSD is so bad to the point where I can't breathe if I hear anything medical related.
 My school's organization is a mess and many people fail. I keep having to withdraw from classes cause my disability accomodations were denied. People are rude and catty. I sit in my room and have severe paranoia and panic attacks till I sob and shake with pure agony. My psychiatrist doesn't believe how bad I am. It is unfair.
After being in 2 abusive relationships I met a guy online and things were going fine for a bit. We visited each other in different countries. Then when my PTSD got bad he started calling me a special snowflake, saying I was horrible, a drama queen, mentally unwell and ill, must have been exaggerating my abuse, etc. Ruined my self esteem. I am visiting and in bed with him right now and he is so sweet and kind, yet I remember his cruel words. I truly do not feel loved by anyone in this world.
I wanted to be a scientist to research cures for depression, but my school could care less for me. No one cares about me. I have no friends, no support, and my physical and mental health is shit. If there's one thing I've learned in doing scientific research, it is how cruel and vile nature is. I can't handle all the pain in this world.",severe
dev_pid_4380,"There’s nothing good about my life : I’m 18 and I’ve been stuck in my room for 7 months. I don’t go off with friends near as much as I used to, mainly because I can’t 
About a year and a half ago I started selling drugs. I was really good at it, and I had a constant party life style. I had money to blow, drugs to run through, and there was always something to do. I got up to about 15k at once point 
We would rail coke, get drunk, smoke weed and all kinds of shit the party would never stop even when going to sell the drugs. I would have cars lined up outside of my house, really fucking stupidly, coming one after another. 
I got so used to this standard of living. Everyone wanted to be around me, I had people I didn’t even remember meeting saying what’s up like they knew me. I wasn’t famous or anything, but it was like I was around town. During this time I managed to get kicked out of high school my senior year 
All of my “friends”, I started to almost never hear from. It’s like I became a loser in a matter of weeks 
I don’t even know how I managed this, but I quit selling and blew through all of my money in months with not a damn thing to show for it. Almost all of my “friends”, I started doing kratom when I was near brome, a legal opiate basically. It made me okay with laying in bed doing nothing all day, and I felt way less bad about my life 
I realized I was just another guy, I’m not special at all. My goal with selling was to get enough money to start up something legit like a business, I refused to work a 9-5 and slave away all day. 
Well long story short now I’m broke. I stay in my room most of the time. I ended up getting my GED, but I haven’t done anything with it. No one really wants to hang around me anymore and I’m not invited to anything. I feel more alone than ever before 
I want to actually become something, I have plans. Plans that I haven’t acted on, everytime I bring myself to do something I just end up falling out on it. I have almost no motivation, but I’m also scared of being a failure. I don’t wanna be another guy working paycheck to paycheck struggling to get by. I know I can’t succeed if I don’t try, but it’s just scary having no idea what the future holds. These negative thoughts have kept me from even trying, like I’m useless and won’t be able to do anything if I tried. 
I’ve thought about killing myself a few times, but I don’t think I’ll ever act on it, I’m too afraid to die. There’s a lot more that goes into my depression, but that’s the gist of it I guess. I thought about deleting this just now, but whatever I think I sort of explained my situation",severe
dev_pid_4381,"Can I just get a little feedback : I used to be suicidal, actually it was all I ever thought about at one point in my life, but that was years ago and I thought things had gotten better truly and actually in early January I was feeling the best I’ve ever felt it was like my life was finally moving on the up and out I had my own car I had a job I loved and I had passed all my classes with another semester on the horizon and now after a string of bad luck, my car that broke down and now a job that only seems to get more and more stressful by the day I feel like I’m sinking back into that pit I was in almost four years ago now. 
I’m so angry and bitter and I can do nothing but cry most days I just don’t know what to do. I mean therapy is the best option but I don’t have money and I’m pretty sure my insurance can’t cover it or at least enough of it to help me out. I just wish I just wasn’t so upset all the time I just wish I didn’t lash out at every minor inconvenience it feels like the person I was just two months ago was just so far to who I am now and I’m slowly but surely bringing myself right back to square one. 
I dunno maybe some tips to help myself out I mean I’m not at a point of suicide don’t worry it hasn’t gotten back to that point it’s just beginning to mess with the relationships in life and just seems to suck the soul out of everything I do",severe
dev_pid_4382,"I manipulate everyone naturally. : I've had quite a few revelations to myself lately of how I'm constantly manipulating almost everyone I know and I can't stop. I always thought I just had ADHD and couldn't pay attention but I've noticed that the things I remember are only THINGS I'm interested in. I can't remember birthdays, promises, or even conversations from the day before clearly, but I can remember a 15 digit random key passcode with relative ease. I've told myself countless times I'll try to always acknowledge my partner's feelings and to think clearly about what I'm doing means for them, but every day it seems I convince myself again that only trying to do what I think they want isn't emotional manipulation. 
The reason this is in r/depression is that I'm seeing this happen over and over and I'm watching myself destroy my partner and somehow I still find myself to be the victim of my own abuse instead of them. I want to stop but I don't know if can I escape my own manipulation.. I can't stop thinking want to just die to save them from myself because I don't believe I can change.",severe
dev_pid_4383,"I hate what I’ve become. : I hate what I’ve become.
This is going to be a long one, so buckle up. Usual story, normal childhood up until 8th grade when my mom became an alcoholic. Rough experience in high school, dad has to work to support us we have to fend for ourselves. First suicide attempt was 16. Things got a bit better, until around 19. Second suicide attempt after losing a job, a gf of two years and dropping out of school. Go to the psych, clinical depression. Have trouble keeping a job and getting back to school until 22. Meet an amazing girl, maintain a job for 9 months, make plans to go back to school, gain some muscle. All is well until this past summer. Job is causing so much anxiety, just don’t show up. Gf breaks up with me (totally justified) bc I cant bring myself to do anything. It’s been 6 months. Still not over her. Lost 25 pounds of muscle in 3 months. Don’t have a job. Struggling through these semesters. All of my “friends” are graduated college, never invite me out. Don’t blame them, I’m not sad on the outside but the one’s gf never liked me and that circle always talks behind everyone’s back. Only thing I enjoy now is playing guitar and writing music, the only positive thing in my life. So, I’m 23, my friends don’t like me, my ex is done with me, I’m not going to get a bachelors for at least another two years, I’m sickly, pale, scrawny, socially inept, jobless, living at home, and depressed. I think the beginning of change has to be today or I won’t make it. I decided to delete all social media apps (group chat so no talking to friends, same with snap, instagram, Twitter, and after this Reddit.) I’ve always been hopelessly optimistic but I think life has finally burnt me out. Not sure if there is a point here. I will try. But I’m just so far behind, I already met and failed with the love of my life, drive away all my friends, am a burden to my family and society, and have no skills or talents or worth. Don’t try to cheer me up please. Just listen, understand, acknowledge, and be on your way. I do my best on my own, I always thought. But the older you get, the less that rings true. If you read, thanks for reading. I don’t know why anonymous internet users make us feel validated but I need that today. Hug your loved ones, have a beer, watch a movie, just be better than me. Thank you.",severe
dev_pid_4384,"I need to vent a little bit : Well, I was diagnosed with depression in December 2018, I was prescribed Lexapro, except I can't afford it, so I get Connect instead (which is a generic copy of Lexapro), for a year I've been really shitty, almost like I was able to deal with everything before because, well, *I wasn't depressed, I didn't have it so bad*, or at least that's what I told myself, until the diagnosis which really threw me to the floor...
There have been a couple of hotspots of hope here and there, some days I don not want to kill myself, some days I do, but I mostly just want to *cease* to exist, to be free you know?
One such hotspot of hope, and the reason I really want to vent today, was a girl I had been connecting with at uni, for about 6 months now, we've become very close friends, but as one is wont to do I developed feelings for that girl, she seemed to reciprocate my advances, letting me hug her and she hugging back, she sitting next to me in class, playing with my hair and sometimes bringing me food.
She invited me today to an event to an amusement park, where we paid around $20 for 6 hours of unlimited passes to any game we wanted to go, I was really looking forward to it, but lo and behold when I got there she was with her boyfriend whom I've never even heard of before.
Of course, I was crushed, I *am* crushed, I feel... empty, odd... I dunno... almost betrayed? But deep down I know I wasn't betrayed, we never dated or got serious (she said ""te quiero"" a lot to me, if you know Spanish you know it's a very wholesome ""I love you"" but it does not necessarily imply romantic love)
I don't know how I feel, just... down... I called it quits after three hours there, I just couldn't handle seeing them together, the jealousy just got the better of me.
And I feel very guilty for posting this here, I don't even know if this is a proper place to post this, but I just want to hear some advice, some help, right now I just want to get *DRUNK*, I am trying to talk to some buddies to get a drink, I want to be *numb*, I want to be *stupid* and enjoy bliss in ignorance, or at least to feign ignorance. I feel like shit, and I know this is gonna trigger a very bad episode of just plain old depression, the kind where you just want to stay in bed and do nothing, because nothing seems to be worth doing, I've been getting those a lot, the last thing I needed was this, but such is life huh? Sometimes it just guts you right there and then and you are just left *there*. *Alone.*
I don't want to be alone, I don't want to feel so worthless, I don't want to be the piece of shit that I feel I am. I want to be better, but I don't know *how!* I just don't know! And I've been trying, and trying and trying hard and nothing seems to work, and everything I do seems to be going to shit, I don't even know how the fuck did I get where I am at uni, I am four courses away from passing all the necessary courses for graduation and yet, I feel I do not belong where I am, I feel like I am a living lie, I feel so incredibly stupid whenever I take a test, I don't know how I keep getting passing grades. I know no one is willing to hire me, as I've been trying for about a year now to get a job, even trying to talk to my contacts to see if they can put in a word for me, but I never get an interview. You know, I feel like I am going nowhere, I feel like a terrible weight to my mother, and I feel a lot like my father, who is also an unemployed POS, I really dislike my father, and yet I feel like everyday I am becoming more like him, just an angry, envious, jealous (he always shouted at my mother accusing her of cheating), I feel like I can't control myself. I look at the mirror, and I don't see myself, I see him, and I just don't want to be him, I'd rather pick up trash in the street to at least hold a job, and somehow I feel that's insulting to the people whose job it is to pick up trash.
I take care of three little quails, their names are Leonarda, Yang and Marianelo, two females and a male respectively, and when I pick them up and I feel their warmth, it's almost the only thing that makes me not want to quit just yet, but in the end they are just silly birds, and I say silly in the most loving way possible, but they just like to run free and very rarely come to me.
I don't guys, I am losing it, some days are bad... some days are... some days are like today. I am losing control, I just want to let it off my chest, I just want to be heard and I can't find anywhere else to throw my voice, this is just a hail mary, I don't know what I am doing, I just want to feel better, I just want it all to end.
I am sorry for the long post, I am sorry for the broken english, I am sorry for everything, I don't know anymore, I am just sorry.",severe
dev_pid_4385,"haven't felt anything other than depression since end of toxic relationship : About a year ago I got out of a 5ish month relationship with a girl who I fell in love with. I thought everything I went through was just normal relationship shit, turns out she has BPD which is actually insanely hard to deal with. The best part of my life became the worst part of my life with the worst depression I have ever had when she just stopped talking to me all together out of the blue, and at the time we were in the same class every morning, so needless to say it was annihilating me from the inside out for about a month, until she all the sudden wanted me back. This happened 2 times until I just said fuck it the last time and blocked her on everything, graduated high school and havent talked to her since. Shortly after the last time she did it I learned about BPD and all the tells were there and it made so much sense. The entire thing was just emotional abuse and manipulation from the start that caused me to begin self harm. I've noticed that since then I have some big fucking committment issues and I just push people away without trying, which just makes the depression and loneliness worse and I don't know what to do anymore...",severe
dev_pid_4386,"Not sad or happy about my life but just nothing : I am 25, bilingual, gay(not ugly and above average looking and fit), Asian, nerdy(lived through most of my life being making fun or hated for my eccentricity)
I have no friends, but many acquaintances.(maybe I am putting friends to a very high standard)
I never had any relationship even though I came out 7 years ago to my parents, and being very open about my sexuality.
(I don’t want to share my body to strangers, so I reject all hook up attempts, and I feel that most gay people I met are just insecure, aimless and superficial) 
I am not shy, and I am eloquent and talkative in front of people. I can easily manage social scenes, but I don’t actually care how others think about me.
I was diagnosed with depression since high school for 4 years. I quit the medication few years ago because they are influencing my intelligence(seriously, I am going to work in software development, and I would rather feel shit but have a functioning brain than living in an illusion of relief and happiness caused by drug)
I born from a very conservative family in one of the East Asian countries. I hate my country and escape to US to study and hope to settle here. I have been here 7 years. Now I am getting a master degree in US, and I will be interning at one of the prestigious software company in this summer. (Now, I realize that my hatred to my mother nation is pointless, my suffering is purely due to my unfitness to this world, and nothing to do with policy and culture)
I struggled through the hardest part of my depression by following these tips below.
1.keep a routine and stick to it, no matter how tire how shit you feel. a to-do list such as “I will wash clothes today at xxxx” will help
2.abandon social network, they are toxic to your mental state. I only use it to share information rather than show-off my fake good life or see anyone’s fake good life.
3. Leave toxic people, and YES, most people are toxic to you especially if you are eccentric person. And give up on people, give up on hoping someone will magically show up and fix all your problems. 
4. A healthy life style is very important to keep you energy level up. Eat good, sleep good, be active.
5. Search on some higher purpose of life. I give up finding any happiness from human connection. I never felt love from a man before, never in a relationship, disappoint by people again again and again. Then I stick my interests to machine, I study computer science and I am fascinated by technology. I develop a religious zealous of what a future world I want to create or envisioned: i want to create something amazing, something redefining current human social structure. A world where outcast like me can feel happy and comfortable to live in. A world without crowd stupidity and adheres to the mercy of humanity, a world without division, bullying and misunderstanding.  That’s why my major focus of my computer science degree is artificial intelligence, go figure. The current state of humanity is pathetic, and that is why there are so many depression on this earth.
7.  Then, accept that it’s ok to never feel happy again. But the key to manage a life is not being always happy. I feel that I am more and more in the middle ground: not happy not sad, but just nothing. In these years since I was diagnosed with depression, I find out a single truth. 
Depression can never be gone and it can only be managed.
I gradually accept the fact that I am just a machine,(human body is in fact, just a machine)and I won’t feel the same happiness when I experience the same events like normal people do.  I will feel nothing, but sometime I feel that these kinds of nothingness is a form of tranquility. As long as I am not in constant pain and agony, I am fine with my current state. When people hurt me, I don’t care. When people benefits me, I don’t care. People are too predictable for me, and they are not important anymore. (The only exception is my parents because I feel sorry for them to suffer me)
However, after I live with these mindset for years, I gradually observe that not all people are asshole in nature. Not all people are ignorant. I will feel delighted to see when some people act differently from my calculation. (Someone who are supposed to hurt me, do not act upon, or someone who are supposed to benefits me, do not act upon)
Maybe as a person with depression, I can never experiences the joy of “living” with in this world.
But it doesn’t stop you to “live” out of this world, just treat it as a long boring trip on a train with randomly popping in objects of interests. It is not hard at all to get used to this.",severe
dev_pid_4387,"please make it stop. : everytime i try to get help it always ends the same, i'm shoved into countless psychiatrist offices and then they try to diagnose me with something i already know i have. i got so sick of it i asked one of them ""can you make it stop? i don't want to hurt anymore."" and she just asked me more questions. i don't want to move, breathe, exist, be depressed, be happy, or be this face anymore. maybe i'm just born to be alone, and a background character in somebody else's more important life. i am a pawn in this world.",severe
dev_pid_4388,"Should I stay or should I go? : My husband and I live with his sister who guilted him to moving in with her to begin with when she got her new house and life has just kept throwing us off course to finacial independence. Most recently my husband has been having a difficult time finding a job becausehe lost his job when he was in and out of the hospital with bad anemia and other more private problems last year and he has been stuck doing temp jobs every since. His family is basically forcing us to go live in Arizona where it is cheaper for him to live and his aunt will give him a part time job working in her computer chip factory. She is willing to give me the same. I don't want to give up my cushy office job that pays well and is ok with my mental illnesses. I had A.D.D. and anxiety and I don't get as much work done sometimes and they are ok with this while giving me full time hours, medical, dental, and vision without me having to injure my body like I did while working in restaurants. 
I haven't had this job long enough to put on a resume and I may never get another job like this again. And this job means so much to me. His sister is willing to cosign for a new car for him if I sell my car that he has been driving for the past 5 years to get us out of her house now that we are no longer a nessecity to her. Should I go to Arizona? Or stay here until my husband gets a good job and he can move out with me? All of this is really fucking me up. He wants me to move with him and is so depressed over all of this. I feel awful but I want to stay here long enough to get our shit together and leave his sister's house.",severe
dev_pid_4389,"Like really? : I have depression and very slight PTSD. My freinds are like, And I quote, ""you don't actually have depression, you don't know what it's like to be sad"" they laughingly say. Yeah so now I'm now down on 2 ""friends"".",severe
dev_pid_4390,"I don't want to die exactly... I just don't want to be ""on"" : I have depression... it ebbs and flows. I know I will get out of this mood, which makes me feel even worse, like I should will myself out of it. But I am so lonely. I was supposed to go out tonight but I cancelled because... I don't even know why. I have no close friends. The one old close friend I had I can't talk to anymore for a lot of reasons I don't even want to get in to. I just... I feel the most at peace when I am asleep, or dreaming. I just feel so empty. Is this all there is to life? I know the answer is no. I *know* all of the things to know on how to reason yourself out of being down. But I am still left with melancholy. I don't even know who the fuck I am or what I want out of life. Sometimes I think it doesn't even matter, I smoke so much weed and fill myself with tar I will get sick and die soon anyway. I've seen my bong... my lungs must be black. It terrifies me. I try to stop so many times. I was able to stop a few times. Maybe I will get there. I don't even know what the point to this post is. To vent I guess. I haven't killed myself because I am too afraid to, and it would hurt my boyfriend. I feel like even if I do go on, I only have so many lives I could live, and I will choose the wrong one and just regret everything. I never asked to be alive... I just want to rest :( 
I know I have things to live for, I am not in danger. But I just feel so empty and sad and lonely inside. Sometimes I wish I could just fold up and disappear.",severe
dev_pid_4391,"I'm super down right now cause of my past. It's worse cause I'm alone with no one to love me! : I have depression it's bad right now. And it's driving me nuts cause, it's bringimg out my PTSD. I was abused for over 10 years by my parents. I have abandonment issues and a number other stuff that's driving me nuts. 
Guess it doesn't help, I'm alone spending most of the time in my room this wonderful spring break 10 days of fucking hell! My friend is busy with her school work and recruiting people to her gaming team. 
Note: I haven't gotten the game yet I'm a college student
Right now I just feel alone 😭 it's driving me over the edge. The only thing that's keeping me from going over the edge is pc gaming, tv shows, and movies. Cause it keeps my mind off of my horrible life. 
I'm going to the movies on Monday for the whole day. Just to give me something to do. I'm just going to be alone and my friend the only one. I know in this stupid town refuses to do anything with me! 
I HATE being alone that's why I hangout with her and others I'm the gaming lounge at my college. I don't like to be home sitting around doing nothing it makes me sad like I am right now. Just wish said girl would give me the time and day. And go on a date with me.",severe
dev_pid_4392,"I think I'm having a long, drawn out nervous breakdown : I'm irrational,  terrified,  triggered and having extreme mood swings.  I have childhood trauma that stems from isolation from my family and my mother has recently decided she's getting married and her and her son and her partner are a perfect little family unit.  
I've been dealing with a year long depressive episode and I've been on a bunch of different meds and none of them are fucking working.  But no one gives a shit because at least I'm not actively suicidal.  
I feel like I'm getting close to it though.  I'm ready to take all my medication or step in front of a bus. I'm all pent up and angry sad at the same time and I know killing myself isn't the answer but I feel utterly unable to carry on the path I'm on right now.  
This is so stupid. If you're reading this just ignore me or whatever. I just wanted to get it all out.",severe
dev_pid_4393,"Goodbye : Is it normal that I’ve come to terms with dying? I feel like most people on the day of their fucking suicide don’t feel so... calm. And peaceful. I’m just sat on the bus listening to music on the way to steal 10 boxes of ibuprofen. If 8 brought me close to death last time I feel like 2 more will do the job. I was diagnosed with bipolar the other month. Everything makes sense. I’m tired of the constant ups and downs. Every time I think I’m recovering and doing better it turns out I was just manic and then I go back to feeling like pure shit. I’ve been waiting on meds for weeks and I can’t take it anymore. I’d rather not be thrown back in hospital. I just want it all to end. I know that I’m not okay, I’m a mental fucking wreck, but somehow even now all of it’s bottled up and I still have my usual happy face on. It’s funny because I wasn’t even planning on doing this for long, but last night I went out and got fucking pissed and almost had fucking sex with my best friend, I’m literally fucking gay and as much as I love her I feel fucking disgusted with myself. I didn’t even know what was going on I was so out of it. I don’t blame her but I mean... now it’s official, my social life’s fallen apart. All my other friends hate me and constantly talk about me behind my back and now the other friend thinks we’re what? In a relationship? I don’t know but it’s confusing and pushing me over the edge. I’m gonna fail my GCSEs because I’m fucking stupid and I’ll have no future. How the fuck am I gonna be a doctor if I can’t even look after my own health? I don’t even know why I’m spilling everything out here. Probably because if I told anyone I know they’d ring the police on me or something. Either way, Reddit, thanks for being here for me when nobody else was. For distracting me when I felt like this in the past. Sadly I don’t think distractions are enough at this point. Sorry if this is the wrong subreddit but... peace out lads.",severe
dev_pid_4394,"Having a break down and wanted to hurt myself : For some reason today im having a anxiety panic attack and suddenly i just wanted to cry. I wanted to talk to someone so bad but im to scared that people think im annoying! I hide in my bathroom and cry nonstop for 2 dam hours straight and luckily i didn't bring any razor so i won't cut myself.... My relationship are toxic! It so toxic that i never think something good about myself and everyone around make me believe that. In reality i just need to stand up for myself - im a pathetic loser that to scare to committed to things, and i won't change it because im a coward ! Ha i sound so mess up and stupid dont i :)",severe
dev_pid_4395,"I Want To Die and Don't Want Help : I don't know what the point of this post is, random people can't really help with the issue. I've been depressed since around 12, started taking meds at 17 and stopped at 20. I'm about to turn 21.
In those 9 years I've wanted to die, to kill myself. I visualize it happening and ever since I was 13 it felt like it was destined to happen. I still think this way. I was closed off and alone my whole life, I have no social skills and can be pretty emotionally unstable if I don't put walls up and just be indifferent to everything. This helped me avoid too many suicidal ideations in high school, but when I went to college I resolved to talk to a therapist and psychiatrist, and be open and try to make my empty life less empty.
It failed, the meds did not help. I was being emotionally open and connected with people, made some friends and even a boyfriend and lost them all due to my intense mood swings and bouts of suicidal actions. I tried to kill myself twice in 2019 then dropped out of college because I missed so much class from hospitalizations. 
I shut off and I'm back to being empty and not interacting with people. I can't do it. I have no support network, I need to be alone and sad because it's more stable and less dangerous than the alternative. As I realized this and started taking classes online, I know I'll kill myself in ~5 years if I continue this way. I want to get some job, move away so my parents don't find the body, and work up the nerve to do things right this time.
Every few months I feel this want to die or to cease to exist become stronger and I'm doing nothing to fix it. Do I even want help? Do i think I can be helped? I don't know anymore. All I know is that trying to get better made things so much worse, I don't have a stable enough support network to try that again. Truthfully no one thinks about me and no one cares to talk with me, I've actively isolated myself and done a 10/10 job. 
Does it stop? Can it even stop if I don't do something different? I can't/won't do anything different so am I just going to keep daydreaming about dying as it becomes more and more of a reality?  I'm pathetic and a lost cause, and I wish every night that I just won't wake up. I deserve to be dead, the only thing I'm worthwhile as is worm food. As dumb and bad as it sounds, I either don't want help or think I deserve help/can be helped. 
So that's it. One day (hopefully soon) I'll pass without fanfare or a note and no one will even notice.",severe
dev_pid_4396,"[question] How to deal with loneliness/emptiness inside? : Been depressed for 7-8 years now, I live with an amazing father that supports me no matter what but he only stays home for one day in the week cuz he is my only financial support, and almost every day I spend my day alone. I have friends, but only a few know about my depression, and sometimes I just feel like my rants are just annoying. I don’t really go out, because I don’t know where to go. I play games just to distract myself but that’s only temporary. I started dating, online dating, I thought maybe finding someone that I connect with, that I can meet up have a good time with and eventually have something beautiful like an actual relationship would be helpful to the loneliness/emptiness inside, but so far it’s not going well, people are just looking for something else in life I guess, can’t even have a conversation anymore lol. So I don’t know what to do anymore, more friends isn’t the thing that I want, I just lay in bed everyday listening to music, or just sit at my desk playing games to cope with the loneliness, but at the end of the day I just still feel it, I make music as a hobby but that’s more a stress relief. Do you guys have any ideas to deal with this?",severe
dev_pid_4397,"It’s hard to do the right thing when all you want is the pain to go away. : I suffer from a lot of issues I’ve been sick since before I was born, In fact it’s a miracle that I even survived birth and even more of a miracle that I’m still alive at 28. They didn’t know anything that was wrong with me for sure until I was 18 when they discovered a rare partial chromosome deletion that kills 80% of the babies in the womb, And 80% of the survivors In childhood. So the 4% of us who live two adults typically also have a lot of mental and physical issues along with an extremely weak immune system. Thankfully somehow I ended up with a very high IQ and not needing be in a extremely special needs classroom. I actually worked for many years the extremely special-needs classroom and looking at the students that I could’ve very easily been one of them is very eye-opening and I think sympathy was help me a lot of being a teacher to them. Unfortunately last April I had to stop working because by issues got so bad as it was so sick I couldn’t a whole day at work. most days now a day I’m bedridden because of how sick I am and how much pain I’m in. 
Because my home is it issue is so rare the fact that I don’t even fit the textbook case for my chromosome deletion the doctors have no clue how to help me, besides just giving me lots of meds to help with the symptoms because they can’t help with the cause, because they don’t really know what the cause is. When you see multiple doctors a week and you constantly are told by doctors that they no longer want to see you as a Patient because There’s nothing they can do to help so there’s no reason to keep seeing them, They just tell you to see another doctor but they are the fifth or 10th or even more in the line of doctor saying should go see this doctor instead because I can’t help, Even though they were the last suggestion. In the last two years I’ve seen it least so good G.I. doctors and the last one just turned me down as a patient last. 
Some of the meds they have me on are multiple opioids, Muscle relaxers, pain killers, and more. Everyone keeps warning me that I’m going to be addicted but that’s not the case in fact I tried to take as few of them as I can and save them up In case something happens in the future I need them or I can’t get my meds right away which is happened do you stupid insurance. Some days thought I want to take the more, I want the pain both mentally and physically to be gone. But I’ve been good so far I’m not taking any extra. Right now I’m still under control with my meds, Some days I wish I didn’t have this much control.",severe
dev_pid_4398,"I feel like I’m in a constant vicious cycle with my depression and anxiety. It never ends. : I struggle leaving the house most days. I try and push myself to go to a social events like going for a meal for a relative’s birthday but I constantly worry about it beforehand. Anticipating who’s going to be there, trying to prepare myself to what questions I might be asked and how to answer them. The night before I usually try and talk myself out of going and cry a lot. I feel like I’m on the edge of tears when I’m there. Feeling like I don’t fit in or that I don’t communicate with everyone properly. That’s when the dark thoughts pop in to my head like they’d be better off without me and no one would have to deal with the way I am. When I get back home, I don’t feel safe, my mind if working overdrive analysing everything I said or did. It’s so exhausting. After that I just want to sleep for days. I know the next time I go out again I’ll feel the same, it’s not getting easier. It’s just hard to be motivated to keep going when I struggle to even go out for a family meal.",severe
dev_pid_4399,"Wellbutrin + Sertraline - works well but the bodyload is awful! : I've been on Sertraline (50 mg a day) for the last 6 years. I started taking it after struggling with depression for at least two years and OCD since at least elementary school. I didn't expect much but it made my life much more livable. My OCD symptoms vanished into thin air and I've became quite content with my life. 
But while being generally content, not all symptoms of my depression disappeared. I still regularly slept for at least 12 hours a day, became totally tired early on during the day, and still had little focus or motivation to do anything that would have advanced my life in a better directions. So after years of living my life as an involuntary slacker, I told my doctor about my symptoms and he gave me a prescription for Wellbutrin (150 mg a day). Again it worked quite well. While the focus took some time to finally return, the sleepiness vanished soon after starting it. I was quite happy that it worked so well, and at first I didn't get any harsh side effects that I've read about. I've only been slightly confused at the beginning, and had some kind of mental fog, dizziness and only some slight memory loss at times.
But after two to three weeks I started to get head, muscle and some really terrible joint aches. The headaches remained only for a few days, but the muscle and joint aches now have stayed the about the same for at least two weeks. I suspect that they got slightly better but I'm not totally sure. 
I'd like to continue the medication since it works so well with respect to my symptoms but I'm not sure whether the side effects will go away. I will of course talk to my psychiatrist about it at our next meeting.
Did you have similar experiences with Wellbutrin? Did the side effects eventually go away? Did you get any further side effects later on?",severe
dev_pid_4400,"Life is overrated imo. : My life is not precious and important. When people say life is precious and important, I just did not understand that and become baffled. What does it matter if I die today or some years later. Eventually we all have to die, it is an ugly truth, but we cannot do anything to prevent death.
About 11 months ago I started medication for my bipolar disorder which was prescribed by a psychiatrist. Them meds gave me terrible side effects, produced anhedonia in me, killed my sex drive, made me asexual, and gave me some other sexual side effects such as erectile dysfunction and unable to orgasm. There is no enjoy or pleasure in anything for me. I lost interest in everything. I feel guilty for taking medication. I should not have taken them. Now 10 months after stopping the medicines, I am unable to get rid of the above mentioned side effects. Due to these side effects, I get suicidal thoughts.
Can anyone relate? Is anybody suffering the same as me? I just want to get rid of these side effects. I don't want to live like that. Anybody have any advice for me?",severe
dev_pid_4401,"Waking up with rushing thoughts after switching meds brand : Hi all
I recently switched brands of my meds from Zoloft to Lustral - no other change (same dosage, time of day).
I now often wake up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts. Without fail, this is about 3 hours before my normal wake up time. The racing mind is kind of like having severe anxiety, however without the urgency feeling. It normally takes me an hour to get back to sleep.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Do you have any advice on managing this?",severe
dev_pid_4402,"F19 still fighting with depression : hello everyone, I'm 19 from Italy and just wanted to share with you my story..
I suffer of depression for a long time, specifically from September 2018... everything started when I failed school for the second time but even before that I suffered of bullying and cyberbullying, still stayed strong...I was in pain, a failure and I've lost all my friend I had that time and that where in my class... I was heartbroken and felt abandoned, nobody stayed with me after that bad episode happened, not even asking me how I was...but they never knew that I had difficulty to study and be concentrated at school... I've spent 17 month at home, with no interaction with nobody, went to a private school but never went actually... I was dying inside and my mom and dad even thought they saw me sad and abandoned, they did nothing to help me... I never lost hope and confidence in myself that even if I was suffering in silence I fought with everything... I always thought that one day I could be happy and that it was just a bad moment in my life... but was the worst year and a half of my life... but a year later I decide to go to a new public school, wanted to put myself out there again even if I suffer of social anxiety and panic attacks... first months weren't easy for me, every day with anxiety and being around new people was difficult... in November I decided to go to a psychologist to help me a little bit and since December I feel a little bit good... still didn't recover 100% bc sometimes I still suffer of anxiety and it's a problem for me going out with new ppl..
the only thing that hurts me a little bit is the fact that I never had a relationship, but you know I have time for that...
but I just wanted to say THANK YOU to myself bc I was able to help myself and even thought the difficulties, I'm still here....",severe
dev_pid_4403,"Im really trying anything I can but it just feels like my self esteem just sinks and sinks, what am I doing wrong? : The break up with my first girlfriend was a 3 month long struggle. So much bad stuff happened, that after the real end im left with nothing. I dont have any friends anymore, I dont have anyone to talk to except perhaps my psychologist. Im struggling to even get my high school graduation, because I weren't able to go to school for a month because of my mental health. Im probably at the lowest point ever in my life and I want to do anything to get out. Im trying to workout so I dont hate my body that much anymore, im eating healthy, im going to school to get my graduation, i got into old hobbys that helped me cope with my self hatred for a long time, im trying to learn new stuff and im even trying to find new contacts.
BUT NOTHING WORKS
I still feel like shit and I hate myself, I really fucking do. I still hate my body no matter how many muscles I have, im eating healthy for that exact reason, going to school every day is the worst part because im sitting there and just one wrong thought is sending me down a spiral of self loathing and self hatred were I nearly begin to cry and cant follow the class at all. What is going to make my final exams not really easier. I dont even have friends in school, I always relied on my friends when im at home and didnt care about the people in school but now that I dont have anyone I just hurts so bad going to school and nobody, NOBODY wants to even talk with you. And even though my old hobby's are fun they are not making me feel less empty and the new stuff im trying to learn is just frustrating just like with anything I cant expect to be good at it from the get go but what would be exactly what I need right now. And even if im just not able to be proud of myself at the moment so much bad stuff happened that just left me hurt. I dont know what to do that break up was so bad my mental state was compleatly fucked in the process.
It feels like I cant live without a girlfriend, it just feels like I need someone that actually tells me how much im worth, that im special, that im a kind and unique person, that im deserving of being loved. I just want someone to give me hug and that I feel loved, that I dont have to be ashamed of my body and that just gets rid of all these thoughts.
But that is so messed up, why do I need other people to tell me all that? I want to be able to love myself not because other people tell me to but because I work hard. I want to love myself because I can be proud of myself. How can I do it what am I doing wrong? I dont want to rely on others isnt that the wrong way? What can I do? im so lost and so confused, what can I do?",severe
dev_pid_4404,"My experience with cold showers : Some background: I have a girlfriend whom I live together with, I study and have several job commitments. I think I might suffer from dysthymia, so I'm generally considered ""high-functioning"". 
So, during a long period caught in a depressive state I decided one day to take a cold shower, and it proved to be a slightly life altering experience. Before this I had times where I'd go 3 days without showering and starting the day way too late which resulted in me doing half-assed work and generally neglecting all the things I consider important.
I start by taking a hot shower, to properly wash my hair, face, armpits and junk. I then finish off by suddenly switching to ice cold water, while standing still, focusing on my breath. It's very uncomfortable to begin with, but I feel a surge of energy, alertness and warmth(!) thereafter. It feels VERY nice to step out of the shower afterwards.
Some days I hardly want to do it, but as long as I commit to getting in the shower, and then commit to changing the temperature, I am all set for an ""optimized"" morning.
It has now become a habit, and I can not do without. The feeling of getting out of a warm shower is just a bummer compared to getting out of a cold one.
If mornings are especially hard for you, I suggest you try out a cold shower. Don't make it too cold the first few times, and don't stay too long in the cold water. Focus on your breath and relax your muscles as you're showering. 
To the people who decides to give it a go, I wish for you a positive and uplifting experience. Please share your experiences! Was it pleasant or unpleasant? How did it feel after? Would you do it again?",severe
dev_pid_4405,"Get immediately stressed over short messages : Upon re-reading this, I know this is probably more anxiety related than depression related. I apologise
Currently I really don't have too many friends. At all. I have no friends in real life that I talk to, outside of occasional classmates, and online I have one friend I speak to very very occasionally. She doesn't often like to talk to me too often, which is okay, she makes more of an effort than a lot of other people do. 
Despite knowing I don't really have any close-knit friends, I do try to reach out to people. Whether it be people I used to talk to frequently, or people who I want to try to get to know, I do actively try to talk to people and make new friends. 
But after the first message I just feel insane amounts of guilt and anxiety over it. I get pissed off with myself, internally bereating myself like ""Why the fuck are you sending them a message? You know they don't want to talk to you, if they did they would have said hello in the past 3 years"". 
Then usually when getting replies I feel even worse. They're pretty short ""heys"" or ""cool"" or one word answers I can just feel are the other person going ""literally what do you want from me?""
I feel so goddamn lonely. And I'm constantly in this battle between ""Look just don't talk to anybody at all and only speak when spoken to"" and ""Look you need to make an effort with people for them to like you"". 
And I try to make an effort, but I just can't strike properly with literally anybody. Not online, not even in real life. 
I wish I could stop wanting to have people care about me. I wish I could be okay with just not having anybody in my life. I feel like such a failure even without the fact I can't connect with a single person in my same species. 
Apologies for the rant, thank you for reading.",severe
dev_pid_4406,"My Birthday, That Day Something Snapped. Punched A Damn Hole In My Wall Due To Overwhelming Emotions. : I thought everything was still, you know, quiet at least. But I can feel something within me. I felt it on my birthday but I thought it was another wave of anxiety like normal. But over the past few days I feel so much rage and negativity. So bad that my mother and close friends noticed and pointed it out. 
I get lost in monologue about why I hate certain things and suddenly I realize what I'm saying and cut myself off. I honestly don't know what is going on but I'm trying to keep it contained. I've been focusing on little victories like smiling, writing again and pushing myself to carry on conversations, helping others. 
Maybe I've finally lost it. Full blown personality shifts. Thoughts that aren't mine. Opinions that aren't mine. Maybe I've gone insane and don't know it yet. Don't know if I even would.
Yesterday I got overwhelmed by anxiety and depression and rage I punched a hole in my wall. Had to cover it up with old pictures I've drawn. Haven't told anyone in my home yet. I don't want my mom to know it's gotten worse. Especially when I'm almost certain I can contain it. I just have to keep doing good things. Distract myself from all this shit. 
That's pretty much all I wanted to say on this post. I'll talk more later more than likely, typing keeps me busy as well as not bottling what's going on.",severe
dev_pid_4407,"I feel so empty : I just broke up with my boyfriend and I feel nothing, I cried but felt nothing. There was no passion on my side, I miss that passion, that obsession.
Once I gave a guy 5 bucks for him to kiss me, I used to be obsessed with that guy, and I think that if I see him again my feelings will grow again, but he was an asshole, a homeless bipolar schizophrenic asshole, and I loved it. I could relate to him, see his mental struggle. I would tell all the reasons I liked him but that's not the point.
The point is, it's not healthy to be obsessed, I think I just want to have a distraction, something to distract my heart. 
Idk what to do with my life, I'm doing nothing atm, I don't go to school, I don't have a job, I spend most of my time home (I'm doing exams to do 12th grade but didn't study shit yet) and I'm depressed and lonely and empty. But tbh, I kinda like feeling those things, it makes me feel truly like a human being, if I was a character from a movie or tv show, I think I would be my favorite character.
I think I wanna write a book about my life and my struggles but depression doesn't let me, I like to write and I can be good at it, but for some reason, I never ended a single story, why? Idk, maybe i get bored, or lack ideas, maybe I'm just shit at writing.
I really think I wanna write a book about my life and as always, that is a distraction but I wanna do it, I need distractions or I'll go crazy, maybe I'll never end it, probably I won't since I started 20 + stories and finished none but I still have faith I'll finish something.
But for that I would need to organize my ideas, with a psychologist, I talked with my mom to come back to one, and I think I want her to help me write my book, to organize my ideas.
Idk why I made this post, I think I just wanna hear you guys' thoughts on this and your experiences, idk if anyone will respond but I'll really appreciate if you did.
Thank you for reading.",severe
dev_pid_4408,"How to cope after decades of depression and no viable hope for the future? : Hello!
I feel a bit of background story is in order.
I've been with depression and GAD since I was about 15 (I turn 33 this year).  
Sometimes it gets a little better, sometimes it gets a little worse.
Except now it's a lot worse.  
Not the worst, but heading there.
I cannot seem to cope these days, thoughts of ending it all are frequent, no matter how much I talk to my therapist (I do talk therapy and have medications), no matter how much I read self-help articles, I take my pills as prescribed, nothing is helping.  
My therapist says that not having enough money is a major trigger for me, which is true, since I grew up poor and am now struggling to make ends meet.
Does anyone have any advice on how to pick myself up when everything around me is broken or sellotaped together? Nothing works and I have no money to fix it...
I am not a materialistic person, I just think I've hit my limit at how much I can take...
For a bit more background: I (F, 32) live in a studio apartment that my grandmother left me, it is legally mine, so I don't pay rent, only property taxes twice a year. I am unemployed and looking for a job for about a year now, but nobody wants to hire me. I live off of what I make by baking cakes for people and babysitting for neighbours. I am not poor, but I think the situation of not seeing a way out of this day-to-day living is getting to me.
I feel so worthless and helpless, pathetic and sad...  
I am willing to work, I promise, only nobody wants to hire me...
I apologise if something doesn't make much sense, I feel jumbled and English is not my first language. Not an excuse, but just know it's not intentional.
Thank you to all in advance, xx",severe
dev_pid_4409,"How to gain (healthy) weight when in a depression : I am a little underweight so I want to start working out and gain muscle. I have a fast metabolism so I know I must need to eat a huge surplus of food. Right now I only eat one real meal a day and then some vending machine chips.
You see I work overnights. So I get home at 6:30 am and I'd rather smoke weed and relax than make breakfast. Plus my parents and sister are still sleeping. So I grab an apple or granola bar and go upstairs. Then I might come down around 10 or 11 and eat a small real meal. It might be tacos or pasta or maybe a steak. But usually not a super huge meal. Then I'll go to sleep and wake up just in time to go to work, where I eat a couple bags of chips all night. I really dont know what to make to bring to lunch. My parents dont keep the fridge stocked that well but I have money to go shopping if I need to.
I'm just so depressed I cant force myself to cook and idk when to even cook or what to cook. All the recipes I look up are so damn involved. What do i do besides getting on pharmaceuticals because i will not do that due to my body type.",severe
dev_pid_4410,"Much happier girl now? : Hi guys, for the last couple years I was super depressed and it was hard finding people to talk to because they would not see it as a problem, either girls would tell me they wish they had that problem or guys would contribute to the problem for the most part. 
I don’t want come off as narcissist but people find me very attractive and my larger chest area doesn’t help. I realized since I was perhaps a freshman in high school. Senior guys inviting me to parties, male teachers giving me special privileges and occasionally their eyes would wander away from my face. I didn’t really see a huge problem until I got to college. I wanted to date, find a nice guy to treat me right and I found it was super hard. 
The majority of guys that I talked to weren’t looking for anything more than a hookup. Some guys respected the fact that I didn’t want a hookup but the majority of guys would go along and pretend to want more when in reality they didn’t. When I would ask to get to know each other more before we do anything, I’d be called a tease, accused of leading them on and told hurtful stuff like “I’m sure other guys have been in your pants, why can’t I get some” do you know how hurtful that is. And eventually, complements meant nothing to me, I’d get so many and they all felt sexual in nature. They were all based off my looks and nothing more. 
Guys with girlfriends were a lot of times the worst, if they saw me talking to their boyfriends, they’d get super jealous, if we’re studying for a test together, they assumed I’m trying to take their man. I would never try to get in between someone’s relationship and if your boyfriend decides to flirt with me, I’ll do my best to make him know I’m not interested but I’m not responsible for his actions so don’t get upset at me. And a lot of girls would just seem to be in competition with me and I’m not. Or some of them would make it seem as if they are worshiping me and it just felt weird. 
Then things got worst how people assumed things I get stuff based off my looks strictly. Like I’m not going to lie people have given me special treatment but I’ve never requested it and I’ve never depended on it, I’ve always been dedicated to working hard and earning what I want. I remember my sophomore year I was taking a Number Theory class which is harder than it sounds. I took a test, the mean score was about a 55% and I got a 91% and a girl claimed I got a high grade based of my looks. I studied hard for that, I tried to get a group together where she was invited and she declined. On my test, the problems were done correctly, and she claimed it was based of my looks. That was just so hurtful. 
As time went on it just bothered, and I became depressed off of it based off the idea that I did not think I could ever find love. I’m a start girl, pretty but I felt like I could not find a guy to talk to where the topic of sex or my boobs did not come up before a couple conversions. It just felt like that’s all guys saw me for. And I know looks fade as time go, I don’t want a guy who just has sex with me then goes and brags to his friends, or realizes that I won’t always be this pretty and move on to another girl eventually. And I could not talk to people. Girls would always say they wish they had that as a problem, and guys would always “listen” and the next week they’re asking for pictures of my breast. And my family didn’t make things better either always asking why I don’t have a boyfriend, it must be so easy for me. 
That just always bothered me and brought me down significantly, I was never in a great state of depression but it was something that was just there and it was hard to talk to someone. That was something that bothered me until last year. 
One day my car battery died at school and a friend and I were outside for about thirty minutes trying to jumpstart it. But she drove a weird Jeep and you had to unscrew stuff to get to the battery so we were there for a while. Eventually this guy came but and asked if we needed help, he has a portable battery in his car. I assumed he was just another guy trying to get into my pants. But that was not the case. He came over and actually helped, he knew what he was doing. We talked a bit afterwards, found out we used to live in the same area. He’s a volunteer firefighter in the town over now and he’s an economics major with a math minor. Then he said he had to go, he didn’t get my name or ask for my Snapchat like most guys do. 
There was just something about him, the way he was super kind to do this gesture for me without expecting nothing in return. I was somewhat attracted to him. Luckily, I started seeing him on campus all the time and we would wave to each other. Eventually I got brave enough to go and talk to him and I did. We became friends and started talking a lot, he was super kind, funny and a weird sense of charisma. And I started realizing just how handsome he was along with his super muscular bodies. One thing led to another and we have been dating since then. This man treat me right, makes me so happy, makes me feel cared for and for much more than my body. Every conversation is not just about sex, he actually listen to me. Asks about my dreams and aspirations and I feel so comfortable around him. Every once in a while I do catch his eye wandering away but with him, I do enjoy it and sometimes his eyes would stay there a bit longer after I catch him haha. His complements mean much more to me, because they feel genuine and much more than something to get into my pants. I love this guy a lot, and I generally don’t advocate for getting into relationships to fix depression. But I’m this specific case it helped me, I’m so happy with him and I could see us lasting and I would like it to and he feels the same. But at the same time I do know that if for some unfortunate reason we don’t work out at the very least there are great guys out there.",severe
dev_pid_4411,"I don’t know how to help her. : My friend told most of our friend group that she’s depressed and this happens all the time. She likes a boy, they reject her, then she comes back to school really depressed, saying things like “I wanna die” and when she IS in a good mood, she makes suicidal jokes that aren’t funny because we don’t know whether she’s serious or not. Whenever she makes a joke like that or talks about her problems, everyone’s happy mood disappears. I don’t think it’s bad to vent, but I just think there’s a right time for everything. When we’re talking about funny stories together, you don’t all of a sudden say, “Haha yeah, I wanna die.” Instead of telling EVERYONE, tell one person you think will help the most, “Hey, can we talk privately?” Because not everyone knows how to deal with your problem and will instead make them feel like it’s their fault you’re not feeling better. I don’t wanna tell ANYONE who is depressed this because I have a feeling it’ll just make them feel worse.
I’ve been trying to help her, telling her to take a break from dating, but I feel like my words never reach her and it just makes me feel bad that she hasn’t progressed. Yes, I will carry the burden with her and help, but when I see that carrying the burden and helping her isn’t making her feel any better, I get depressed as well.
She won’t tell me what to do to make her feel better, and when I do tell her how to feel better, she just keeps doing what makes her feel bad: Dating.
I don’t know how to break it to her.",severe
dev_pid_4412,"I just want it to stop : I had a MASSIVE panic attack and I don't even know what it was about. It's like this thing just came over me and started consuming me. It got to the point to where I was constantly shaking for two, three hours it wouldn't stop and all I wanted was for it to stop. It got so dark that I wanted to kill myself and I started seeing that as a viable outcome. It just doesn't seem to end and I just want it to end.",severe
dev_pid_4413,"Do I really have to wait two weeks without antidepressants to start an MAOI : Hi there guys, my doctor recommended I try Emsam, an MAOI but before that I have to go two weeks without antidepressants. Doctor already reduced my current antidepressant dose substantially to wean me off and start the two week period. I already feel worse. Has anyone here gone through that, what advice can you give me?",severe
dev_pid_4414,"I don't know how to cope anymore : I've been diagnosed with chronic depression at the age of 10. I am 21 now and have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder too a few years back.
In the past it wasn't so difficult to go through the day because I had school and was busy all the time. Apart from my social anxiety and awkwardness I still had friends and a semi normal life. My strict parents did prevent me from doing things with my friends. So I ended up losing most of them when I got out of school.
I ended up dating a guy (my first official bf) for almost 2 years, we broke up last year. It left me in pieces and I'm still not over it. I can't connect to anyone emotionally anymore (guys). Also, my best friend got into a friend's with benefits relationship and kept choosing him above me even though I was there every time he hurt her. She chased me away when I wanted to spend time with her so she can be with him. So I decided, because of this continuous toxic behaviour I am not going to put in any effort to be her friend anymore.
I overthink a lot. I get angry easily. I cut people off very easily. And I know it's my own fault that I'm losing people around me. I know I'm a shitty person. I hate myself. I don't know how to cope anymore people around me because I feel like eventually they see what a bad person I am and just leave me. I have just always felt like I don't deserve to have people in my life that care. That supports me. I've always done everything on my own. The only people that I do believe support me are my parents, my brother and some other family members.
I have tried to commit suicide multiple times. I think about it on a daily basis. I can't see myself having a normal future so what's the point of living. How do you live with yourself if you're toxic on the inside and all you do is self criticize, self hate, dislike people and see everything negatively.
I get up in the morning and I'm fine but somehow I just keep losing myself more and more each day.
I try making myself happy by being financially independent to a degree, having a job, having my own pet, starting my studies soon. But at the end of the day all the bad things end up bothering me so much and I make everything seem so much worse than it probably is. 
And I have seen therapists but I simply can't afford it and it doesn't seem to help anymore because my depression keeps changing and evolving. 
Sorry for the long post...
Tl;dr: I'm majorly depressed and I don't know how to cope with practically no more friends left, a strong hatred for myself and a tendency to overthink and catastrophize everything. Yes I've seen therapists.",severe
dev_pid_4415,"'Just date more' . I nearly walked out of therapy right then and there : I went to a counselor (admittedly not psychiatrist) who's supposed to be an expert on depression and anxiety. And her big 'advice' was to go on more dates. She said I was just  low because I didn't have company. 
WHAT THE HECK? I didn't come to you for dating advice lady I came to you because I literally cry for no reason and have anxiety in bed, at work and it's getting worst
 How are such idiots allowed to practice",severe
dev_pid_4416,"My long-term, live-in partner and I both struggle with depression. Now he is asking for physical space. How do I support him and not take it personally? : To preface, we’ve been together 5 years. We have a dog and a house and a life. We’re not married, but we’ve both expressed growing old together and living out our lives together.
My depression is just kind of like a backpack I pick up and wear every day. Sometimes it’s heavy, but other days it’s just there holding my shit. My partner, on the other hand, was under the impression that he was the worlds most capable, happy, fulfilled dude, but has recently discovered that he is in the bout of a debilitating depression.
His friendships are fragmented, his family is dealing with some heavy shit, his job is taking a severe toll on him and I’ll admit that my depression backpack has been very fucking heavy lately. Honestly, the man has a right to be exhausted. Especially since he’s so unfamiliar with the “boundaries” word.
Yesterday (or two days ago? I haven’t slept or eaten in days as a result.) he told me that he needed physical space to work this out on his own. My higher, more reasonable and logical self understands this. I am currently on a plane back from a 10-day solo vacation I took for the exact same reason. My fragile, insecure, depressed ego, on the other hand, is terrified. I’m finding another place to stay, but he can’t tell me when he’ll feel ok with me “coming home” again. 
He is devastated. He sobbed on the phone with me for hours telling me he was sorry, that he doesn’t want to hurt me, he doesn’t know why he’s just learning these things, he doesn’t know why he’s like this, etc.
For a couple of weeks, the “I love yous” have been few and far between. Why? 6 weeks ago it was, “You’re my queen. You’re my person. We’re the best team. I love you I love you I love you I love you.”
I am spiraling. Higher self says “this is just a vacation” and fragile self says “he doesn’t love you anymore and he’ll just keep retreating from you.”
I want to support him. I am in this to win it. How can I support him and support myself at the same time? How can I implement boundaries during this time that make us both feel secure? How can I stop seeing this as a sign that my relationship is over? Does he not love me anymore?
TLDR, My boyfriend is depressed and wants to live apart for an undisclosed amount of time and I am spiraling please for the love of god help me gain some perspective.
Thank you all ❤️❤️",severe
dev_pid_4417,"I am demolishing myself : For the past 3 years Ive been isolating myself and separated myself from everybody.  It started when i began smoking weed, I just quit a month or two ago and now that I’ve exited this 3 year delusional daze that ive been in, I’m a social wreck.
I lost all my friends despite trying to reconnect with them, I just feel so slow like I cant keep up with conversations with them like I used to 3 years ago.  I feel boring and like i have nothing to offer and extremely trapped.  
I will go weeks without talking to anybody and im even awkward around my family, the persistent sadness and emptiness I feel from losing everybody around me mixed with an uncertainty for the future leaves me feeling so socially debilitated that I could just stand there in a daze while someone tries to talk to me, and I really dont know what to do at all.
I feel like I cant turn to anybody bcuz there is no one left to turn to, and i hate being a depressing burden.  Time has just changed me so much that I feel like i had more to offer when i was 17 than i do now at 19 going on 20 and thats a horrible feeling, cuz i feel like ive lost a part of myself and fucked up my family dynamic bcuz of it.",severe
dev_pid_4418,"Trintellix / general antidepressants question : Anyone taking trintellix for depression? I’ve been taking it for about an year after trying other antidepressants and suffering from side effects. I read that it is best to take max dose of trintellix (20mg) for a better treatment effect, do you usually decrease a dosage after a while? Also I noticed that depression meds do help me go through the day but I have this “high” within an hour taking the meds which make me feel really good, and it goes away after a while. Is this normal for any antidepressants?",severe
dev_pid_4419,"“Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.” - what if you have no friends?? : I’m a struggling ECT recipient who has lost 80-90 percent of my childhood memories.  I currently can’t comprehend paragraphs of books.  I am unable to comprehend and process plot lines or TV shows/movies.  I have major depressive disorder and have been out of the hospital since October 2019.  It’s been a long road since then.  Apparently they started ECT due to a suicide attempt that I can’t remember.  Anyways I’m on Bupropion and gabapentin.  Idk what else to say but I have trouble finding words for sentences and so on.  I just thought of “show me your friends......” this morning and am new to Reddit so I figured this would be a place to write this.  I disabled all my social media accounts (fb and ig) it was making me more depressed seeing “friends being successful and living ‘their best life or whatever’.  Idk I’m really depressed and have no friends.  It’s weird I don’t want friends though? Idk how to explain.  Ok I’m getting off track.  Tell me what you think",severe
dev_pid_4420,"I will kill myself within 2 days : I will turn 18 this Tuesday. I gave myself enough time. Nothing happened. I've tried reaching out and seeking help. People don't really care. Even if they say they do, they never show it in action. I posted another cry for help on Reddit before (with another account) but moderators deleted it for no reason before someone even replies. I've tried therapy, psychiatrists didn't help. In fact, opening up to people actually made it worse. I just want people to consider my mental condition and treat me better instead of giving me advice. But at least after therapy I know that I have Autism, Psychotic Depression, Anxiety, Schizophrenia, OCD, Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I think I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I know what is happening when one of my other personalities is controlling me, but I have no control over what thay say or what they do. One of my psychiatrists said I'm just ""too schizophrenic"". I can't communicate with people. I can't have long lasting friendships. I have never felt loved and I don't even know what it means or feels like. I don't feel empathy or sympathy.
I gave myself time to think about this. I realized something: I don't want to just end the pain, I don't want to live. I'm tired of waking up and trying to survive the day just to do the same repetitive things that I do everyday. I don't want a job, I don't want money, I don't want to graduate. I seriously don't want anything from life. But that's not the worst part. I live in Iran. In Iran when guys turn 18 they have to go to military academy for 2 years (or you can keep graduating and then go to military academy after you're done, but it's a rule and you can't escape from it). I can't even imagine 2 years without my PC. After all it's one of the things that kept me alive. I wish I could live in another country, but that needs a lot of money and I have to take IELTS test and go to military academy anyway. Otherwise I'm stuck here. Hold on a second... If I live in another country I need a job, so it would be pointless.
The other thing that kept (or maybe keeps) me alive is my daydreaming. Real life is very boring and repetitive. If I could live in my daydreaming forever, it would be nice. Something like a different world which I could live in. People in my daydreams are all fictional characters and I like them more than real life people. That's why I can't just quit it and go find real friends. They actually helped me a bit with their emotional support.
There is no other way. Nothing will change if I stay alive, and I can't change anything myself. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want it, the story of my life doesn't have a good ending. I wanted to give myself 1 more year, but that's just pointless. I will kill myself on my birthday.
Now don't tell me I have so much to live for, everything will be okay, it will end someday. Tell me whatever you think is actually helpful. Only if my post won't be deleted like before.",severe
dev_pid_4421,"Can anybody help? : Struggling with severe depression, anxiety and OCD for approx. 6 years. 
Been on sertraline 100mg for an year. 
Gradually getting better in the first six months, witnessed several ups and downs in the next six. 
Switched to Fluvoxamine , consuming 150 mg per day for the last 1 and half month. 
Feel absolutely shitty and always exhausted. All my anxiety attacks, depressive episodes, obsessions are getting exponentially worse.  
Please help me.",severe
dev_pid_4422,"Don’t know whether or not I should switch medication : I’ve been on my medication (mirtazapine) for about 7-8 months now and honestly I really like it, I feel like myself again, less anxious and overall less low, however, since going on this particular medication I’ve gained a fair bit of weight, so much that for the first time in my life I’m overweight, I really wish I could say this didn’t bother me, but sadly for a long time I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with my body, even having bulimia for several years, so as you can probably tell this has really affected me. The problem is I’m really struggling to lose weight with it. I’ve been going the gym 2-3 times a week, and working out at home 1-2 times a week, cutting down my calories and somewhat trying to improve my diet, but I’ve ended up gaining even more weight, I’m distraught if you can’t tell. Because of all this, I don’t know whether changing my medication would be better for myself or not, anyone else had any similar experiences or even just some advice?",severe
dev_pid_4423,"being tired all the time? : I’m diagnosed with depression & have been for maybe 7/8 years , i feel better & then have episodes like everyone. But even when I’m not having a depressive episode and I’m functioning enough to go to work etc I’m EXHAUSTED all the time. It’s been like this for over 4 years. People always say i sleep a lot. I just want to be in bed or asleep ALL THE TIME. 
Even when I’m spending time with people I love and enjoying myself I just feel like I need to be in bed. I feel like I need to sleep whenever I’m not at work & I get a bit irritable if I can’t just sleep. But theres no reason for this. When I make plans I’m really excited for them but the the day comes and it’s like I HAVE TO be in bed and sleep like I no longer want to do anything, it sucks so much, I don’t want my favorite thing to be sleeping but all I ever want to do is sleep
I’m thinking of course I could have a vitamin deficiency but could this be my depression? Does anyone else experience this?",severe
dev_pid_4424,"Am I depressed? : My family thinks I might have depression, but I’m not sure. I suffer from extreme depersonalization and I just started talking about it with my family. It turns out my dad went through the same thing when he was my age and it didn’t go away until he started taking anti depressants. My family has a long history of mental health issues and I’m guessing they passed it on to me. I’m unmotivated to do anything, And I mean anything. Even if it’s something I used to love doing I don’t want to do it for some reason. I’m like “I can’t wait to play video games when I get home.” And when I get home I just lay in bed and sleep. I take Ritalin that makes me extremely happy for about an hour and then sad the rest of the day. There’s really no reason that I should be sad I just am. I’m failing almost every class in school because when I start doing work I get unmotivated to finish it. I’m just looking for some guidance, maybe some tips to overcome being unmotivated and hopefully overcome the depersonalization without the need for drugs.",severe
dev_pid_4425,Does medication even last : I started taking anti depressants about a month ago. At first it was great and a lot of shit thoughts and feelings I had went away. Now even though I'm still consistently taking them I feel like I'm slowly slipping back into the old mindset. Anyone else have any experiences with medication? good or bad,severe
dev_pid_4426,"Question about FMLA Depression : I have always had depression since I was a teenager and it's gotten worse since I was diagnosed with anxiety two years ago. I'm 24 years old now. My job is very stressful(Customer service) to the point where I started crying and yelling at a customer to ""GO AWAY!"" which yes did end up in a write up. I'm up to the point where I cry everyday two hours and start having panic attacks at least 5 times a day. My work has noticed my sadness and has addressed that I take care of it because its not meeting their standard ""HAPPY CUSTOMER SERVICE"". My managers don't care or believe in what I have, they always tell me to shake it off....if only it was that easy. I don't take meds but I'm seeing a therapist since two weeks ago.I told my doctor(GP) about how I've been suffering and need to see a Psychiatrist because I am not well and how I'm about to lose my job because of this illness and she only gave me two weeks off from work and medication for depression. I told her I needed more time off but she told me that is the most she can give me, I even told her I was considering an outpatient program and thinking about quitting my job due to this illness. Is there anyway I can get more time off? I am not mentally stable to go back to work, I seriously think I will lose my job soon due to this. I need time to get better and let this medication kick in. I did get a referral to see a psychiatrist and I will let him know the same thing I let my Doctor know but I'm scared they won't give me more time out, I'm not okay.",severe
dev_pid_4427,"Manifestation of symptoms : Hello  beautiful people. I've been diagnosed with moderate depression 6 years  ago and was put on medication. 3-4 years later I moved out from home. I  seemed to have recovered by then. So treatment stopped. It was not  entirely abrupt, but the weaning-off procedure was not medically ""ideal""  either, because I rather took matters into my own hand.
Fast  forward I think my depression never fully went away. I haven't felt  this typical emptiness or soul crushing sadness ever since I stopped  treatment, but other symptoms come and go in a span of several weeks or  months.
The main one being: I  become ""lazy"", everything costs me enormous amounts of energy. I haven't  really cleaned my flat for 5 months. The laundry is piling on. I do the  absolute minimum of my responsibilities, sometimes not even that.  Personal hygiene goes out the window.  Indifference kicks in. I think  I'll be fairly active in this thread. Maybe upload some before-after  pictures once I get myself to clean my flat.",severe
dev_pid_4428,"my sister almost successfully killed herself : my sister had been struggling with depression, anxiety, and bipolar since i was 11. my sister would refuse to go to school, going a month at a time not showering or brushing her teeth. i’ve had to stay up all night making sure she wouldn’t try to run away. i’ve had to be a third parent to her. i’ve had to witness the screaming, the breaking of dishes, walls being smashed in and written on with red sharpie reading “ITS ALL YOUR FAULT” over and over and over and over. the stress of my household made me extremely depressed and physically ill all the time. 
i’m going to keep this part straightforward. i was 13, my sister was 17, the night started with me trying to calm my sister who was hysterically crying in the midst of a panic attack while my parents slept in the next room over. i calmed her down. she told me she thought her friend had killed themself because they hadn’t responded to her text. she said she would never kill herself because she didn’t want me to feel how she felt. what happened between this moment and the morning are fuzzy. i went to bed, and woke up to a note from my parents telling me to call them.
my sister overdosed on pills that night. she was seizing in the hospital, had to be restrained to the table with a tube down her throat. i can’t express how traumatic it was to visit her the next day, she was screaming for her life, her eyes manically darting around the room as if some monster invisible to the rest of us was tormenting her. she begged the nurses to let her die. 
[to my sister, i’m sorry if you find this i never ever blamed you, i don’t resent you i love you]",severe
dev_pid_4429,"""Laziness"" : Hello  beautiful people. I've been diagnosed with moderate depression 6 years  ago and was put on medication. 3-4 years later I moved out from home. I  seemed to have recovered by then. So treatment stopped. It was not  entirely abrupt, but the weaning-off procedure was not medically ""ideal""  either, because I rather took matters into my own hand.
The main one being: I  become ""lazy"", everything costs me enormous amounts of energy. I haven't  really cleaned my flat for 5 months. The laundry is piling on. I do the  absolute minimum of my responsibilities, sometimes not even that.  Personal hygiene goes out the window.  Indifference kicks in.",severe
dev_pid_4430,"Random question, but who here feels like you almost want to be depressed, and you feel bad for not being as depressed as others? : I've personally been on anti-depressants for about three months and they haven't done anything apart from just make me physically incapable of feeling depressed. And that's not a good thing. Depression breaks through sometimes, but it's really rare.
I don't really know why, but it's almost like I miss feeling sad. I miss never being happy. I miss being able to think about me dying, and it's weirdly hard to do that now I'm on medication. And the fact that I miss that just terrifies me. I mean, I always knew that I was a really horrible person, but was I seriously faking being depressed all this time just so I could feel special, or so I didn't have to take responsibility for my laziness and just other shitty qualities? Sometimes when I'm feeling good (for my standards) about myself I think that I am actually depressed and that me thinking I'm not is just a symptom of depression but I have my doubts about that. I don't know, I'm just so confused right now.
And then on places like this subreddit, I read about people who are really suffering and I feel like shit for not exhibiting the exact same symptoms that they do. I know there is a massive amount of different types of depression and nobody will have the same experiences, but it's almost like I use every single scrap of evidence to try to prove to myself that I've been faking it and I'm a terrible person and all of that crap. And then I feel bad for thinking that it's me just cherry-picking evidence because deep down I know that I am faking it and it's just me trying to justify it by cherry-picking evidence about me cherry-picking evidence and.... i don't even know. I feel like my brain is just completely broken
Anyway, sorry for making you read all that incoherent garbage lol. But I was honestly just wondering if anybody else here has these kind of thoughts, like you're faking it all just for attention, and the fact that you don't have every single possible symptom of depression and mental illnesses in general makes you feel bad. But to be honest, it is probably just me",severe
dev_pid_4431,"Antidepressant not working? : Hey I am a 25 year old man who has struggled with anxiety and depression for all my life. It would take too long to tell you about all the issues I've faced but in summary I suffer from OCD, BDD, GAD and physical pain (most notably severe nerve pain in my left arm) which has caused me to become anxious and depressed.
In December 2019 I finally realized that this was not gonna go away by itself and all the therapy talks and CBT was not helping. I went to a psychiatrist and was prescribed Lexapro which I was on for 5 weeks (first 2 weeks I was on 5 mg/day, and then 10 mg/day). I didn't really develop a good rapport with this psychiatrist so I changed to another one who I really like. On lexapro I felt that my mood was elevated and even my anxiety/depression started to improve a little but the effect was kinda shortlived and because of sexual side effects (took forever to ejaculate) and fatigue, my psychiatrist recommended me to switch to another medication called Trintellix (Vortioxetine).
I quit lexapro cold turkey and started Trintellix 10mg/day instead. Once again I felt my mood elevate and anxiety/depression improve but after 2 weeks I was back to baseline and a week after that I increased my dose to 15 mg/day and the same thing happened again - 2 good weeks then back to baseline. I've been on Trintellix 15 mg/day for three weeks now and I mentally feel pretty bad honestly. I don't have sexual side effects which is great, although I suffer from erection pain due to a botched circumcision (hopefully will do some foreskin restoration to get more skin and decrease pain in the future - need surgery first to remove scarring). I still am tired and have issues with concentration which isn't great since I am in medical school (although I am on medical leave now - but I was thinking long term it would be a problem.) What is bothering me most though at the moment is the pain I suffer in my arm which was caused by a bothed blood draw (basically the nurse hit a nerve in my arm and more than three years later I am still in pain - I know I'm not the luckiest guy alive haha...). Due to my OCD and general frustration I actually aggravated that injury by constantly pushing and aggressively stretching out my arm - stopped with that now but yeah I made the situation worse.
The Trintellix has helped with anxiety but everyday I am in pain and it's weighing heavily on my mind besides hurting a lot. I would say it's the biggest contributing factor to my depression and it makes me devoid of energy and I have no will to do anything - the only relief I get is when I am in my bed or sleeping. I've tried to keep up the hope that it will go away but after three years it's unlikely. My psychiatrist said I needed to accept my injury and the pain but how do I do that? I read online about treatments for nerve pain and the antidepressant amitriptyline came up often but it seems to have so many side effects... and as strange as it sounds I don't like the idea of medicating against the pain - I want it to go away by itself.
In summary I am in a bad place not really knowing what the next step should be. I was planning on going up to 20 mg/day which is max dose for Trintellix and perhaps combining that medication with a stimulant like Modafinil which doesn't seem to interact with Trintellix, which adderall, ritalin, vyvanse etc... seem to do, in order to combat my fatigue and concentration issues. What do you think of this plan? I feel the big issue is the nerve pain but I don't know if you can even treat that? Any other tips for me?
Thank you for reading!",severe
dev_pid_4432,"Why is it that millennials have the highest depression and suicide rates? : As a depressed and borderline suicidal millennial myself with my own reasons I have always wondered why as a large group of people the same age are experiencing this. (Also I've never been to a therapist to confirm my depression, even after attempting and exercising thoughts of suicide, because I could never afford it. So maybe I'm not actually depressed and just feel depressed sometimes, one week I'm fine the week I cant get out of bed and cry for days. Honestly I dont know. Give me answers please.",severe
dev_pid_4433,"I can’t get out of bed in the mornings at a reasonable hour no matter what I try : I’ve been suffering from depression for years, and have in the past year or so started to get actual help. I’m stable on medication and going to therapy occasionally(I’m in college & our psychological services are so overwhelmed I can only get an appointment every other month or so). The biggest thing I’m struggling with is getting out of bed in the mornings. I wake up and I’m awake, but I just want to lay there either with my eyes shut or on my phone. I feel like I’m losing so much of my day to this and it’s affecting my mood even more since now the only thing I have time for in my day is work and school. Any advice for what’s helped? What motivates you to get out of bed? Mantras to encourage you? I’m really at a loss, I’ll take anything.",severe
dev_pid_4434,"not really depressed : I feel like i'm faking my depression sometimes.I was diagnosed by my doctor years ago when I was at my worst.I was empty,cold,and really didn't care about life.My depression seems to fluctuate now.I don't always feel sad but i'm not always happy i'm just in the middle.I'll get suicidal thoughts sometimes(usually at night).They're usually linked to my dysphoria(i'm ftm transgender) like it would be easier to be dead than feel this way.I would never kill myself though.Even at my worst when that thought was almost always on my mind I never tried anything.And that makes me feel like i'm faking it.I know it's dumb but that's how I feel.I don't want to whine and complain about how difficult it is being trans but it isn't simple or fun.I'll never be a biological man...and that hurts.That's where the thoughts come from.My heart feels broken.I feel like a liar because i'm not constantly depressed and that causes more depression and anxiety.I just needed to rant ig.Thnks for reading if you did.",severe
dev_pid_4435,"I need to rant : I am a 15 year old female. Not only do I have depression, but I have ADHD as well, which is a pretty bad mix. I also might be jumping all over the place. And my dad is most likely emotionally abusive. I am on medication, which really does help me, but  I've been feeling depressed lately. Because of my ADHD, whenever I get bored, I also feel depressed. (I read that that's pretty common in people with ADHD.)  Every year since 7th grade, each quarter I am good at keeping my grades up at first, and then 2-3 weeks in, my grades go down, and everything becomes a chaotic downward spiral. I always say I'll improve, but I don't. It's not that I'm not an intelligent person, in fact, It's been proven that I have a pretty high IQ, so my parents are always telling me that I should be doing better and that I'm 100% capable of it blah bleh blah. I tend to forget to turn things in a lot of the time, and I don't always get things done in class. I've tried hard to block out a traumatic experience that occurred just about 1 1/2 years ago, (I was targeted by a sexual predator) and I think I've forgotten more, but I still remember, but I don't think about it. I'm really sorry. I'm not sure how to explain it. I don't know what point I'm trying to make. (My anxiety, however, has gone down a great amount now that I am surrounded by friends, so I'm happy about that.)  I hate talking to my  psychiatrist and my therapist, I kind of want help, but I really don't (If that makes sense) I don't want to be sent somewhere again, I don't want to be put on more/ higher doses of medication, I don't want to be constantly under the microscope, I don't want somebody telling me why I feel the way I do when that's really not the reason why, I just don't want people to be constantly bugging me. I want to be comforted? by someone? that's not one of my parents, or any adult, I want to be close to someone, but I also don't? It's a feeling that I don't know how to describe. But I'm just yet another depressed teenager, so whatever I guess.",severe
dev_pid_4436,"Can antidepressants quit working? : I had been having good luck with 20 mg eacitalopram after trying several others and playing around with the dosage. I finally felt normal and stopped worrying about little things. It also worked wonders for my OCD. But now all of the sudden, works gets more stressful and it feels like I'm not even taking anything at all. Does anyone else have any experience with this?",severe
dev_pid_4437,"male/16, extreme mood swings : today i woke up, didn't take me long until i started getting all these different thoughts about:
-different insecurities (especially feeling alienated from pretty much everyone, feeling sorry about myself because i have a pretty rough life without much family or anyone i'd call a true friend etc)
-existential dreads/anxiety about the future (feeling like i won't be able to maintain this life any longer, with nothing good in the future worth looking for)
and some other stuff as well, i told myself to definitely go see a therapist, also i wanted to tell my family that i'm depressed
now comes the big but: but now i don't feel like this at all? for reference i had the feelings i mentioned earlier about 10 hours ago when i woke up, now it's night time for me. i can't even really understand why those feelings were so strong this morning, i literally can't comprehend it.
it's not like i'm necessarily happy right now, i'm just kinda apathic (not in a strong way though, i just don't care about that stuff i thought a lot of very much rn)
i don't really know what i wanted to achieve with this post, i just needed to write this down somewhere as i have no one else to tell. maybe anyone knows what's going on with me? maybe someone struggles with the same problem?",severe
dev_pid_4438,"How do you know if its time to go back on to medication? : I was on medication for nearly 3 years sertraline I've been kinda bummed not eating well past couple of days, don't want to do anything really, just staying in bed. I came off because I had been taking CBD but it's very expensive especially a dose I'd probably need to keep me balanced",severe
dev_pid_4439,"What is happening to me ? I feel like I’m getting worse : I’m on sertraline and cymbalta.
The last few days I’ve felt worse than ever. I am crying over EVERYTHING , I’m hating my life, everything is giving me anxiety attacks and I had the worst panic attack of my entire life yesterday.
I’m back in therapy which is great since my last therapist unexpectedly died , I like my new one and our first session was nearly 2 hours .. I see her again in 2 weeks.
But I don’t understand what’s going on with me . It’s like my meds have stopped working as of two days ago. Has this happened to anyone before ? I haven’t cried this much in 4 years. I’m so sad and angry and I don’t even know why.
I feel so alone.",severe
dev_pid_4440,"First time experiencing depression and don’t know how to handle it : Hey. I’ll try to sum things up. In the beginning of 2018 my grandmother committed suicide and my whole family took it hard, especially my father. He spiraled as soon as it happened and almost went down the same path. I shut off — couldn’t read (which I love), couldn’t study, couldn’t work, and it was senior year. 
Thankfully I did get into college but I’m a year in and it has been terrible. Still can’t study, failed a bunch of classes and hate my major. I have been getting worse and worse, so about 6 months ago I started therapy (I know, should have started as soon as it happened). It has been nice but the progress is very slow. I don’t feel like myself anymore and everything I used to love doing doesn’t feel nice anymore. 
The one thing I can still keep up with and that makes me happy is interacting with my horse. He is pretty much the love of my life and everything I do is about him (including what I decided to major on). However, he got sick for the 100th time (he is very sensitive) and the vets are saying he will have to retire and might lose quality of life. This was last week and it completely broke me. To top it off, my mother has always been my rock, but lately our relationship is terrible and I have never felt more alone. 
I don’t feel comfortable reaching out to friends, I barely leave the house and I’m feeling utterly useless and broken. I have exactly 0 hope that things will get better and my mood ranges from wanting to kill everyone to crying in a corner.
I don’t know how a Reddit post will help, I’ve never done something like this, but I really needed to get this off my chest.",severe
dev_pid_4441,"“That’s Life” : I suffer from ADHD, Aspergers, OCD and anxiety. I have thoughts of suicide frequently. Some of my mental disorders keep me from doing important things like work. I had to ask my manager to stop giving me night shifts because it would make me so depressed that suicide was always on my mind. I’m not trying to make any excuses, but it is very difficult to live with these kind of conditions. And certain family members just don’t seem to get it. Some of them straight up think that I’m lazy. I’ll tell him about the problems I have and they’ll respond with “That’s life.”",severe
dev_pid_4442,"Losing the one person I never thought I’d lose. : I’ve suffered from depression for a very long time. I’ve learned to cope in many healthy ways. I’m finding it extremely difficult now that I’ve lost the one rock that I could always count on, my best friend. 
This person meant the world to me. Their family did too. I was able to work through my depression by talking to, spending time with, and feeling a part of something. I’ve also been in love with this person for a long time. However, in my selfless ways, I never let that be a complication. Until recent I found out they were terribly unhappy in their marriage for many different reasons. I was here for her to speak her mind, offered her sound advice as her friend kept the love I felt seperste. I Respected her vulnerability and never compromised that. She then was so overwhelmed with everything and dropped the biggest blow on me that I’ve ever felt.
She’s been having an affair for a year and a half with some other guy. This crushed me and everything I ever knew. As a friend I was mad. As a lover I’m heart broken. I feel horrible for her kids, for her husband. Now, I feel sick. I feel broken. But this isn’t about me I kept telling myself. But then she said that this guy listened to her, was just like her, understood her, so on so forth. And then I ask, “what was I to you through this time?” That was the hardest thing to hear her say. 
Then she asked me, “ do you love me?” At this point I knew things will never be the same and I said, “yes”. She said “why didn’t you tell me... I felt the same way for a long time...” I said because you’re married with kids and I never knew you were unhappy, besides I’m not that guy to home-wreck. I would never do that. I’m better than that. I wanted to wait until she was settled and on her own two feet. But I’d be there to help at all costs. And she knew that. 
Now I’m left with nothing. I don’t have my friend. I won’t ever have the love that I felt, be real. I’ve lost the relationship with a family that I care about. It will never be the same again... I can’t shake this feeling of complete loneliness. I feel sick. I have no appetite. I can’t feel anything. This level of depression is something I haven’t felt in a long time. 
I’ve come here to just share... I know in time this all will pass, I’m just looking for somewhere to share what I can’t share with anyone in my day to day. Thank you in advance.",severe
dev_pid_4443,"Are there small steps against depression? : So I have been depressed for over a year now and only just found out because I adjusted my standard of living on my depression. Now that I know, I have been feeling really awful because I have ""let it go this far"". I was wondering if any of you have small steps for feeling just a tad better. I've heard things like ""clean your room"" and ""get up early"" but my depression withholds me physically from doing anything that's not necessary. Lately I have been taking short walks to a field of grass which have been helping, but I always end up feeling worthless after all. I can't think of anything that will help, but I really want to start feeling good again. Since I literally don't know how to do that anymore, i wanted to ask you guys if you have ideas or tricks you use to feel slightly better. I hope that with these small steps I can launch myself into actually, effortlessly feeling better.",severe
dev_pid_4444,"I lost a friend to suicide : Hey, friends. 
I wanted to share this in hopes that it helps just one person or puts things into perspective. 
Two weeks ago I found out my friend passed away. He took his own life. I worked with him for about a year and a half, he would go out for drinks with us every once in awhile, and him and I would go out by ourselves once a month or so. We weren’t super close, but we were good friends. When he quit, we stopped seeing each other as much. 
Three weeks before he died, I called him up and asked for a huge favor. He lived within a mile of me and I needed his help changing a flat tire and wanted him to show me how. He had plans that night but said they could wait and he’d be over within an hour. When he arrived, I asked how he was doing and he made a sarcastic comment about how everything sucks. I asked if everything was okay and he said “not really, but that’s life!” He helped me change the tire, I gave him a hug and told him we should get drinks soon. Him and I had leaned on each other in the past when we were struggling so I wanted to be there for him. 
I didn’t reach out soon enough. When I heard the news I was in shock. I was with a friend and went into their bathroom and literally fell to my knees and silently sobbed. When I drove home that night I cried. I took a different way home than normal and by coincidence passed the bar that him and I would go to. I had to pull over because I was crying so hard. I was sobbing and screaming “it would’ve been okay, I promise you. Everything would’ve been okay.” As if he could hear me. The next day, I had to leave work because I couldn’t stop crying. I took the day after that off. I couldn’t think about anything besides the fact that he was gone. Whenever I was outside I would think that everything just felt different. The world feels different and empty without him in it. 
You always think about how sad your parents will be, your best friends, your SO. He wasn’t my best friend, we saw each other once every 4 or 5 months. Even ex-coworkers who hadn’t seen him in a year are grieving massively. My coworkers and I arranged a dinner with his family and friends last weekend and I witnessed first hand the grief they were experiencing. 10 of us who worked with him showed up, one drove 5 hours to be there. The others opted out because they were still struggling so much (they will be attending the official memorial). My point is, death reaches so much further than you think it will. 
I’ve been there, and I know that when you’re feeling so low, you truly think the people in your life will be better off without you. I’ve also gotten past that and have made amazing progress in my mental health journey. I also recognize that everyone has different struggles and I’m not trying to downplay anything you might be going through. But experiencing the grief, and seeing the grief that the people closest to him were going through adds even more perspective to it for me. 
Anyways, this was way longer than I expected. Reach out to your friends and tell them you love them and are there for them, if you’re in a place mentally where you are able to do so. And feel free to reach out to me personally if you are struggling.",severe
dev_pid_4445,"College student with depression : Hi everyone, is anybody here has the same experience as mine? I have bipolar with major depressive disorder and it really makes my life more difficult and hinders my academic performance. I’m under medication for almost 3 years now and the medication helps (sometimes). Going to counseling every other week but I’m so annoyed by the fact that depression can unexpectedly destroy my plan anytime. 
Please tell me I’m not alone.",severe
dev_pid_4446,"Weighed down by my mental state : I feel like I'm such a burden to be around. I try to be light and not talk about heavy subjects to any of my friends even though I feel like I'm boiling on the inside. 
Everytime I open up I feel like the person I'm talking to hates me and wants me to shut up. I really don't know what to do, but I need help and I want to get help. 
I've become so depressed to the point where I ditch school, stopped attending all extracurriculars, blow off all my friends etc. I have potential yet negative thoughts and simple actions being exhilarating are holding me back. The only good thing about me is that I am able to see things somewhat objectively and I want to get myself out of this pit. 
I can't go to a psychiatrist since my mom is really against therapy due to bad experiences she had with it when she was young, and I truly feel like I have no one to talk to.",severe
dev_pid_4447,"Monster and depression : So I became extremely depressed around Christmas of 2019, and I have gotten a little better but every now and then I get really bad moods swings, and having adhd does not help one bit. I drink monster ablut once or twice a week, and I’m completely fine until I start to crash then when I do I get extremely depressed and upset over nothing, I end up having a breakdown or loosing my train of thought and getting mixed with emotions. So yea I was just seeing if anyone else gets affected that way. (also I just joined not to long ago, so yea I’m 15,male,bisexual, and currently have an amazing girlfriend who is the main reason I’m getting better. So yea that’s my life).",severe
dev_pid_4448,"Sertraline blackouts? : I am currently on 100mg of sertraline per day and after twice drinking, all be it a lot but no more than I normally would, have experienced 100% blackouts of the entire night. I also apparently acted in a way that I would never do if I was just 'normal' drunk, let alone sober.
Is there a connection between my medication and these blackouts/increased sensitivity to alcohol?
Has anyone had any experiences of this?",severe
dev_pid_4449,"Mania : Not promoting, just sharing:
I'm pretty sure I'm having manic episode? I ordered some piercing guns in the mail and they've just arrived and I can't wait! I'm gonna be honest, I enjoy these episodes. They make me feel bulletproof and help me to go along with things like this. They also help with numbing pain and helping me get over pain quicker.",severe
dev_pid_4450,"I Wish I Would Vanish Into Dust : I'm worn the hell out. I can feel the strings holding my very being together, beginning to untie and fall. It's like when you pull on a loose hoodie string too much and tear open the sleeve. It's fucking annoying. 
I just want to feel normal again, but I feel like a deflating balloon. 
My mom is stressed, and trying to find a job, and doing her best to support me (I'm transgender, FTM,) in my time of need. 
My dad doesn't accept me for who I am, and who I've been since I was conceived, and cannot come to terms with the fact that the only ""little girl"" he had was a bag of bones and flesh, and doesn't value me as his child or as a person. 
My brother is ambitious, and seems to be at that stage where he's starting puberty and is either insanely hyper or insanely tired; fucking grumpy or happy as a rabbit. He's terrifyingly ambitious and wants to do absolutely everything right this second, acting like he's got a bomb strapped to his chest and his time is almost up. 
I just got back from the park with him, and when we were in the car, he asked my mom-- who was also with us-- if we could all (Me, mom, dad, and him,) play Uno. I'm tired, and I decline. He gets pissy, saying I ""never do anything with him anymore,"" even though I just literally got done doing something with him, and that I'm ""always hiding in my room."" 
It pisses me off because he has no idea what the hell I'm dealing with, and he loves to act as if he does. He loves to talk about how it's so sad that we ""never do anything as a family anymore, because of me,"" and I can't do shit about it.
He doesn't know that I'm dealing with depression that makes me want to sleep all day, makes me become easily bored with every want and need, makes me want to be left the fuck alone, and makes my head feels like it's caving in on itself because of the lack of ""happy chemicals"" in it.
He doesn't know that I'm dealing with ""Trans-Guilt,"" that makes me almost unable to look my parents in the eyes anymore because of what my brain tells me I've done, because I've ""killed"" their daughter-- my dad's only daughter-- and that I'm a disappointment because I didn't amount to what they'd planned for me in my life, and how that makes me want to stay away because I'm sick of my presence being used to fill a room, and how I always seem to hurt people. 
He doesn't know that I'm dealing with ADHD, that's scrambled my brain like a fucking plate of eggs, and given me at least 1 or 2 F's in every fucking quarter of this year. 
He doesn't know I'm dealing with Dysphoria that eats me alive every morning, noon, and night, and makes me want to peel open my skin like a fucking banana, and has me on my knees, praying to every God there supposedly is, to please stop. Has me wondering if any God is really up there, and if so why I'm like this, making me wonder if I was Hitler in my past life, and what I did to deserve this crawling skin that will never go to sleep at night. 
He doesn't know, and I wish he'd stop pretending to know.
I know he's still only a child-- he's my younger brother... he's 11... he's too young to understand it all-- but I wish he'd at least take a second of his time to consider the pain I've been in, and/or WHY I don't want to do all of these things he wants to do. 
I know his heart is in the right place, and that he just wants time with his family, but right now this family is pretty close to falling apart. Whether that's my fault or not, I won't know, because I'm ""hiding in my room.""
Someone, please tell me if I'm losing my shits because I'm too wilted to know anymore.",severe
dev_pid_4451,"Depression after being rejected by a girl or is it something else? : Ok here it goes. I'm 22 and I've suffered from mild depression and anxiety before in high school I am also introverted, but anyways, I have never dated before and have only asked three girls out because it takes a while for me to build up relationships as an introvert and its tough finding people that I open up to and am attracted too. 
 The first two times I was rejected I didn't really think anything of it.  This last rejection (It happened yesterday) has hit me differently for some reason and I don't understand why.  I've just felt alone all day, and more nervous and anxious and a little sick.  I don't understand it. She didn't reject me because she didn't like me. She even said that I was one of the few people she felt understood her at the college we go too.  She said no because she already had a boyfriend and that she still wanted to stay friends. (One of the main reasons I didn't want to ask her out was because I was worried we wouldn't be friends anymore) but that isn't an issue because she was worried that I wouldn't want to be friends, so I should feel fine, right? Move on like I did the others. 
But I just can't for some reason. Focusing on stuff is super difficult and I worry that I won't find anyone else to like, partially because its so hard for me to build meaningful relationships.
What should I do? How do I go about feeling better?  I want to move on and just be friends with her but I just don't get why I feel like I do.  I'm not obsessing over her I'm just really upset and depressed for something small and its really frustrating.",severe
dev_pid_4452,"Rebuilding your temple : Suffering from depression and taking on the monumental task of rebuilding yourself is one of the hardest things I’ve experienced. After a recent breakdown, I realized I have been totally neglecting my mental health for the sake of remaining comfortable. Pulling yourself out of the mud is the opposite of comfortable, especially when the mud is all you’ve known for years and years. Each day I try to make better than the last, but today has been hard for me. So I wanted to make this post in hopes of instilling hope in someone else. Seeing a temple, or skyscraper, whatever analogy you like, it inspires awe. But starting the process of construction seems so absolutely daunting. You may see another person’s building going up faster than yours and get discouraged. They may be equipped with better tools. But their building is not your building. Make a beautiful and happy home for YOU, and nobody else, because nobody else will inhabit it. Take each brick and handle it with care. No matter how slow the process seems, your experience compounds on itself, and you will only get better and better at building, and eventually maintaining yourself. I hope your future is filled with progress and prosperity. Whoever you are, wherever you come from, I love you and wish you happiness!",severe
dev_pid_4453,"Good Bye my great four-legged friend : This isn't a question or anything like that, I just wanted wanted to write about my situation to maybe feel a bit better. 
A few days ago the family dog died at the age of 15. I'm 25 and we had him since he was 8 weeks old.
When I moved out at 17 I always was full of joy to visit my family and to see him.
When I was younger, like 10 to 14, I felt alone very often. Nearly nobody liked me in school, at home there were always problems (financial situation and some others) and my brother had ADHD, so I couldn't talk to him or my parents because everybody had problems too. 
I never talked about my problems. So there were times when I just wanted to end my life to get rid of the pain and the loneliness.
But one thing always kept me always from ending it.
It was my dog. Everyday when I came home from school he was so happy to see me. Everytime I was unhappy he felt it and wanted to hug with me.
He was never just a dog for me. He was a great friend. He saved me and I wish I could've saved him.
I'm having a depressive episode since a few months and this lost was a very hard one. 
I really hope there's a heaven for dogs, but if not for them, for who else? 
He was a great friend and I will always remember him for the rest of my life. Miss you and Rest in Piece.",severe
dev_pid_4454,How do you trust your therapist? : It's always been hard for me to trust and for good reasons too. The problem I have with therapy is that your conversation is not confidential. They say it is but it's not. I can't talk about my suicidal thoughts or self harm otherwise they are forced to release my records and have me hospitalized. The government is allowed to ask for the records of my conversation if they wish too at any time (I know it might sound stupid to some of you but WHAT IF they do ask for it ?! I don't want them to know).  Am I just too fucked up for therapy ?! Am I supposed to carry all my thoughts with me until I die or better yet kill myself?,severe
dev_pid_4455,"Even the Suicide Prevention Hotline said they were giving up on me. : Yesterday, after a 30 minute chat session with the Suicide Prevention Hotline, they just said “I’m at a loss for what to say to you.  I wish I could have helped.  But I’m not going to waste any more of your time.”
I don’t know why people call them.  What help can they possibly offer?",severe
dev_pid_4456,"Two Months : Its been two months and 7 days since I was hospitalized for my attempt. And I am doing better now, but I am not back to normal, back to where I was before I started to experience depressive thoughts. I  fear I will struggle with this all of my life, and I fear that I might pass it down to my kids. I am afraid I will end up like my mom. I don't want to hurt the people around me, but at the same time, I don't want to be here. Why does my life have to be like this, so painful, and yet it's all my fault?",severe
dev_pid_4457,Experience of onset side effects from SSRI's the 2nd time around? : Planning to get back on fluoxetine. Will the onset be just as lame this time around?,severe
dev_pid_4458,"Some of us will not get better. : Some of us will not get better. Some of us are too scared to kill ourselves will suffer until the day we die unwillingly. Some of us will spend thousands of dollars and hours getting help to ultimately wake up just as depressed as you were 40 years ago. Some of us will fight for 50 years and lose to the noose. Some of us will spend years fighting, finally achieve happiness, and then die suddenly. 
This world is cruel- overwhelmingly so. Ignorance truly is bliss. One cannot be happy when constantly thinking of the negative. However, some live in the suffering and do not have the option to escape it as a thought because it is their reality. Those who maintain a life of happiness are ignorant to their privilege and cannot comprehend this suffering. When dealing with the pain, what are we given? A phone number. It wins grammy's, it solves everything... congrats humans, you did it. You solved depression with a phone number. If they kill themselves, at least we tried!
At least we tried. 
So fortunate are the happy to absolve themselves of responsibility. Yet suicide is seen as the coward's way out. Or selfish. Or 'a shame'. Once you end your life, you are patronized by those surviving as somebody who 'had so much potential' and 'should've gotten help'. Or maybe they wish we 'had talked about our problems'. 
It's us and them. We are made to feel the way we do by them. We want to end our life to solve this problem. They don't accept this solution to our problem. Weak as we are, we accept and search for other solutions. We turn to them for help. They do not want to. They 'help' by murdering those sick in the streets. They 'help' by dragging people out of their homes at gunpoint. They 'help' by arresting people for being sick. They 'help' by giving us a phone number. A FUCKING PHONE NUMBER. 
I've tried to kill myself multiple times.
It didn't work.
I've asked for help.
It didn't work. 
I've gone to the hospitals and therapy.
I took the medicine.
I've spent over half of my life playing the role of guinea pig. I was 11 when I first tried to kill myself. I've never felt trust or love. 
Their solutions do not help me, it only helps them absolve themselves of guilt when I do kill myself. Because they tried. 
And sure, plenty of us will get help, get meds, get friends, and feel stable. Or at least make a positive improvement to manage their symptoms. Plenty of us will make significant improvements and try to help others. 
But some of us will not get better.",severe
dev_pid_4459,"I'm confused : My now ex-wife kinda twisted the knife and boy, everything  hurts. 
What has me confused is that with the exception of extreme depression, every other emotional feels hollow. I feel like I can't feel anything at all but I still have the ghosts of these other emotions. I don't know how to process any of this and it doesn't help that I can't stop thinking about it/her.
Where do I go from here? What do i do? How does anyone manage to date with this illness dragging them down?
Side note; I am taking antidepressants and due to no insurance,  can not afford a therapist. Thanks in advance.",severe
dev_pid_4460,i thought about killing myself a lot today : i’m just tired of everything. i don’t want to go to school or do any work or play sports or watch tv or anything. 18f. i’m on meds but i just feel like i’m so tired and i don’t want to do anything.,severe
dev_pid_4461,"The paradox of apathy : I haven't really had anyone I could qualify as being a friend for the last six years. I know friends would be good for me, I feel like if I had others in my life I might be motivated to actually live, but I can't even manage to take an interest in my own life how on earth am I expected to be interested in other people? I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who doesn't care about my life ergo how can I expect others to want to spend time with me?",severe
dev_pid_4462,"I'm going to die : I, 23 F, am going to die. I know I am. Very soon. It hurts so much because of what I'd leave behind. Friendly coworkers, amazing boyfriend 19 M, a great roommate, my only true friend who I met online. But it's just getting so hard to even open my eyes in the morning. The first thing on my mind is a cigarette, a drink, or some heroin. The next thing on my mind is the PTSD. Then it's just a downward spiral into daylong madness and psychosis until I meet my lovely bed again and dream about my trauma. The fear of being raped again, being kidnapped, being left, being heartbroken, being beaten, overdosing. I love my boyfriend so much but it's getting so hard. The mornings I wake up and he's already at work are the hardest. I just want the memories and the temptations to stop. If my habits don't kill me, I'm afraid I eventually will. I know it's selfish, but I see no way any of this will end any time soon, if not ever. Venting helps temporarily, but what's the point when the bad thoughts always come back...",severe
dev_pid_4463,"Life is Messy : (This is a throwaway, as I know some friends know my main account)
I've been diagnosed with depression for almost all my life. Or maybe the anxiety came first. It's hard to tell. I only have a few memories that came before my diagnoses. Everything else is just a blur, as it is for most people.
I was- and still am- always on medication. It would work, at first. I would have some semblance of normality. I would be similar to the others my age. But after a year or two, it would fall apart. The pills would have less and less of an effect. I would switch to a new medicine. The cycle repeated.
Anxiety and depression are almost like Ying and Yang for me. Anxiety makes me over-react. Depression makes me under-react. Having both going at once feels like a virus. It's a program constantly running in the back of my head, sapping processing power and slowing me down. I know it's there. I know what it does. But I don't have the tools to remove it- only lessen the effects.
Sometimes I feel guilty. I have a lot to be grateful for. I live in a safe place, with shelter, food, water, rights, and liberties. I have friends, few as they are, and family. I can do what I want to do, buy what I want to buy, go where I want to go. I can be who I want to be. It just doesn't feel like it.
It's like something went wrong in my code. Like a single, important code was forgotten, and is unable to be fixed. Only the emergency systems run- the rest are in constant shutdown.
I understand the science behind it. Certain chemicals in the brain can be too high or too low. Taking medication can fix that- for a while. What I don't understand is why I can't overcome these issues, when I have full acknowledgement and understanding of what went wrong.
If you have a broken leg, you need to give it time to heal. You keep it wrapped, so it has a chance to heal correctly. Then, you slowly work your way to a normal state.
But what is normal, for someone with depression, or anxiety, or any range of mental illness? What is normal, at its basis? If I have never had the chance to experience life without these problems, how can I work towards the basis of normality?
I feel like something is missing. I'm trying to find a piece to the puzzle, and no matter how hard I search or study or tear through my belongings, I can't find what it is. Some part of me needs to be replaced or switched. I have no idea what.
My mother recently told me that she attempted suicide when she was younger. I can't remember the exacts of it, only that she didn't get caught and it didn't work. Else, I wouldn't be here.
But therein lies a problem that I can't overcome. She knew that she had depression. She got her diagnosis, just as I did, so many years ago. She knew very well that it could be passed down, as it had in other family members. Yet she still chose to give birth to me.
All my life, I've asked many questions beginning with the simple ""why"". Why am I like this? Why won't anything work? Why can't I change?
But now, I truly have to ask: Why did she give birth to me?
She knew the possibility it would pass down. She knew it could cripple someone, mentally. She knew the effects- she experienced them, herself. She still went through with having me.
I love my mother. She's given me more than I could ever imagine. But I can't forgive her for doing this to me. And I don't think anything will change my mind.
Nothing will change my mind, just like nothing will ever change for the better.",severe
dev_pid_4464,Hey I’ve been numbing myself with pain killers for the past few weeks when my depression gets really bad. But I don’t want to live like this either. If I stop the pain is unbearable and I can’t function. : ,severe
dev_pid_4465,"I'm really struggling here : I'm a 28 m in the USA and I was just released from a mental institute after 72 hours for attempt of suicide.
I'm a pretty average person on the outside I got my own place, I have a career I enjoy, I had a fantastic relationship I absolutely ruined pretty much every relationship I get into may it be freindship or romantic i end up loosing due to my behavior.
But man I'm fucking loosing my mind my depression comes and goes like a pendulum I'll be all smiles for weeks then 1 bad day and I have a gun to my head or I try overdosing on my medication.
Its like waking up from a bad dream it just hit me so hard and i have like an emotional black out i won't remmeber but much i guess the highlights? I'm still not 100% sure its like watching myself through somone eles eyes and i just loose all control of myself its fucking terrifying 
I tried therapist but cant get one to stick that i like I've tried to be transparent as possible with therapists and group therapy. But I cant get anything to stick sence I've gotten out of the mental hospital just the smallest things will have me just in tears. 
I'm sorry for this huge fucking poor me rant but if im being honest I have no idea where to fucking turn at this point. 
I'm sick of being told ""everything's going to be okay"" or ""suck it up""",severe
dev_pid_4466,"I got caught hanging myself : Two days ago I took a hangman’s knot to my school in order to kill myself. Throughout the day people asked about it and I said that I was doing a photography project in order to spread awareness on depression and suicide. Anyway, the classes finally ended and I went into a bathroom stall in order to hand myself. The stall had a window that led to a pathway with a lot of people. A guard saw me and notified IW (Integral Wellness, an emotional support group from my school) 
I eventually gave up on the idea of dying through hanging because it was too painful and managed to reach a wall and untie the knot. I walked to the exit and a guy from IW touched my shoulder and asked if we could go talk somewhere else. I knew what was up, so I decided to play along and go talk where he wanted to. He said that someone saw me hanging myself and notified them so they could have a chat with me. 
I cannot express how enraged and irritated I felt when they started talking about it. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s as if I had just been caught doing something I was not supposed to do. 
They told me that they would have to notify my parents and come pick me up. 
My mom took more that 2 hours to get there and all I heard was “Why would you do this to me?!” “You made us feel upset!”. It seems that they are playing the victims now, what the fuck am I supposed to do now. There was a snitch in the family and now everyone I know knows about what I did. 
Is there life after this? How do you cope with the possible rejection of the people around you? I can’t feel a thing anyway, but I still don’t want to bare with these people.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.",severe
dev_pid_4467,"Hesitant to accept I’m depressed again. : I struggled with depression a significantly age 15-18, the product of witnessing a murder at 16 and being assaulted at 17, I ended up even having to retake a school year. I tried a few medications, Prozac launched me into psychosis and hospitalised me and Remeron made me angry and otherwise dead behind the eyes.
I had therapy that entire time and eventually with the help of two excellent therapists, worked my life out. I finished school, got a place at university and moved to the city I always dreamed of living in. I met a boy and fell in love and gained some real confidence.
But the city I moved to wasn’t everything I hoped it would be and my relationship isn’t either and my confidence is godawful and practically nonexistent now despite the loving words my boyfriend uses. And I’ve slowly sunk into a depression again despite doing what I could to fight it (I even went on a surf trip to africa, trying to reset my confidence and my self worth and remind myself how beautiful and exciting life can be blah blah - but I was significantly depressed there too). And now I sit here, with a life that from the outside seems pretty fine, but internally I hate myself and want to die.
I’ve found myself thinking about suicide as a sort of back up plan again which is something I used to do. But the idea of going back to therapy, maybe taking antidepressants again, the idea that I’m sick again after everything I did to get better, makes me want to explode. I don’t want to confront it. I don’t know what to do.",severe
dev_pid_4468,"Am I Attention Seeking? : I've been really in the dumps lately. It's weird.  
Life is starting to get better for me. I'm a 16-year-old FTM (basically, I'm a dude). I start testosterone in May, and the other day I got my first binder. My family is accepting and supporting. My friends are too. And yet, I still always feel depressed and suicidal. Every day I am in constant doubt of my self-worth. I never feel like I am significant. Things would be better if I had not existed.   
Is this all out of attention? Is it believable that I only behave this way because I want the attention? I've been on sertraline since January (I have depression and anxiety). I take 100mg a day. I haven't taken my meds in a week though, for my parents haven't called in our local pharmacy for a refill. Is my dose a side effect of these feelings? Should I bring this up with my counsellor and psychologist? So much is going through my head... I just don't want to come off as if this is out of attention. I hate being perceived that way.",severe
dev_pid_4469,"I am crying for the first time in 1 year : I keep faking a smile trying too look like i want to live
People only help when you admit to being suicidal, but then they dont really want to help, im not even sure if they can. they just send you to a doctor with a 6 month line, just to be set on medications.
My father only cared when the school warned him, suddenly he cared, not when he beat me, not when he locked me crying into a room for him to spend time with drunk girls. Forces me to take vitamins and stare into bright sun lamps just to make him feel better for making me ""feel better""
Not to mention my mother that schizophrenic ***** several suicide attempts to save me from aliens in newspapers shit. Breaking the household apart with fighting.
I cant stand my life in this madness, i dont know if i should laugh or cry, i cried so much i stopped completely, all i can do is laugh. Im left constantly emotionless. Autim on top of that only makes it worse. Suicidal for years Im stuck in this hell in my body unable to commit suicide
The medicine does not fix anything IT JUST SLAPS A SMILE ON YOUR FACE WHILE THE WORLD IS THE SAME
I try not to get into relationships, i cant subject someone to my insanity. I cant go a day without hating everyone and wanting to die. BUT I CAN PUT ON A SMILE FOR A WHILE AND THAT WORKS
I CANT SCREAM
I want to stay anonymous. Alot is in the past
There is more and worse but its not in the text
This text is bad. Sorry
I hate everything and i just want it to end",severe
dev_pid_4470,"Does weed help you? : I dissociate all day long. Because of that, I have become extremely depressed. I’ve smoked occasionally. But everytime I did, I was with a guy and it just made me horny lol. But I thought maybe if I smoke alone it’s help me?",severe
dev_pid_4471,"Hey : About a year ago i was diagnosed with depression, and anxiety. Around this time was when I had attempted suicide and family started worrying about me, generally everything was going to shit. Ever sense then its been a rapid decline. No one knows though, as far as everyone irl knows, I'm fine. 
I just want someone to know that I'm not fine, im the opposite, And ive come to terms with it. 
About a year ago when this originally happened, I let this out with thoughts in my head. Now I typically let it out with reddit posts. 
This all started with the thought, 'i wonder how people would react if i were gone.' 
Then the first person I told about it was my girlfriend when this happened. This is my biggest fuck up. I got myself so attached to her and then when she broke up with me, I could not handle it. She did it because i was too stressful. I was letting out all of my emotions at her. 
But she couldn't take it, and i ruined everything.
Its not her fault. I screwed up the relationship. After an entire year i still can't get over this. I hate myself for it. 
I should just kill myself, it would make everything so much better for everyone, including myself. I'm not going to though, why? Because I'm scared of it.",severe
dev_pid_4472,"finding a therapist is like trying on shoes when your ankles are broken : It hurts to find one, open up to them and when i realize that one is not the right one for me then i hurt even more and get discouraged to go through that process again....I’m having second therapy session with this new therapist and I’m nervous and hopeful.",severe
dev_pid_4473,I hope antidepressants will kill me : I’m gonna be taking antidepressants probably next week. I hope they will make me even more suicidal so i can finally end it. I’m planning to overdose on those antidepressants if I do get to that point.,severe
dev_pid_4474,"Antidepressants not working? : So, I'm not really one to post on Reddit much, but I'm beginning to feel hopeless and I'm not sure what to do from here.
I've been on a handful of medications since I was thirteen. I'm twenty now. I don't remember whether I took my previous medications consistently or not, but I recall either Zoloft or Prozac making me numb and having to stop the medications. Wellburtrin, the previous medication before the one I'm on currently worked for me, but only for a week and a half. It was great while it lasted, but I ultimately figured it was because it took me a long time to take Wellburtrin consistently, and now that I had, my body had gotten used to it. I've been taking my current medicaton, Lexapro consistently and noticed that I was beginning to feel happier. Then, again, just like Wellburtrin, I noticed my depression beginning to seep through, having moments where I will get depressed, then happy and excited for life, then having a huge mental breakdown and realizing my medication was no longer working for me. 
Lexapro worked for me for.. I want to say a good week and a half, and I've only been on it for two months at this point. I understand if medication stops working after a long time, but the past two medications I've taken and that have worked stopped after a week and a half of happiness. I feel hopeless and like any medication I take won't work for me, and like there's no point in even continuing to try. Is this normal? I've talked to my psychiatrist about electro-convulsive therapy, but she didn't have any information on it. Please, help. I'm not sure how much longer of this I can take.",severe
dev_pid_4475,"I’m going emotionally numb. : My depression and anxiety has been hitting me particularly hard recently. I don’t wanna go too much into it, but it hasn’t been this bad since my friend died last year. I’m always exhausted and lack motivation for anything. At this rate I’m going to fail all my classes, which is making my anxiety and depression worse. But I can’t do anything about it. I don’t have the energy to get out of bed in the morning. 
My boyfriend and I just broke up yesterday. It was mutual. I’m trying to deal with this and he’s trying to get into a good college. So we both decided it was over. 
Everything is happening at once and I’m going numb. I want to cry but I can’t. I feel too numb. I know I have people to talk to but I don’t want to. All I want to do is isolate myself fro everyone. I don’t feel anything and it’s scaring me. I feel everything so deeply, and that’s what always gets me hurt. I’ve been told this more times than I can count. But for the first time ever, I don’t feel anything. I’ve thought about cutting again but I can’t even get out of my bed to get my razor. I feel like even if I did I wouldn’t get the same adrenaline rush I’m used to. I’m going so numb and I’m scared I’m going to lose everything. I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost.",severe
dev_pid_4476,Good experience with antidepressant : So I was on half a pill of Wellbutrin for a week to make sure there’s no negative side effects and today was my first day on the whole pill 100mg. I actually feel happy and I feel like myself again... I have the same happy feeling I had when I was a young child. I even cried because I felt so overwhelmed with happiness and motivation and I’ve been missing out on this the whole time .... anyone else ?,severe
dev_pid_4477,"Some psychiatrists are really... weird : Warning: This post deals with social issues and can be potentially triggering.
This happened a few months ago in October, when I had to be hospitalised for suicidal ideation (it was voluntary and only for a couple of days).
The first thing I had to do was talk to the psychiatrist/doctor and explain my situation. I went over the obvious reasons for my depression; being isolated, being left out, no self-esteem. Then he asks me about friends. I explain I have a couple people I consider friends but I rarely talk to them, let alone hang out with them. He wonders why that is. I say I don't like to open up to people and am afraid of being hurt. Then he asks if I have a girlfriend (I'm 19) and I say no. He asks if I've had one in the past, I say no again. *Then*, and this is the weird part, he asks me *why*.
I'm pretty much stunned at this point. Why does that seem odd to him? Am I really that much of a fuck-up? Is it not normal to not have had a girlfriend at the age of 19? I take a moment to process this and just blurt out ""I don't really know?"" He goes on, asking if I'm not interested in relationships. Of course I'm fucking interested. Does he not realise that the other person has to be interested too? Can he really not see that I am not someone people are interested in? I can't just go up to a girl and say ""Hey, you're my girlfriend now. Love you."" Apparently he thinks it's weird that I've never had a girlfriend. Well thanks, don't I feel good about myself. He literally said: ""That's odd."" All I can think to answer is ""Okay?""
Then he tells me I should hang out with people more. That I should go on walks with girl friends. Well, I'd love to, but you see, other people don't want to do that. And who am I supposed to befriend? I don't go to school and am unemployed. I don't have any contact outside my immediate family. I can't just message someone I barely know and start talking. That's honestly creepy.
I leave that day feeling worse than ever, after having already felt *worse than ever*. Thank you eastern european psychiatrist, very cool.",severe
dev_pid_4478,"My therapist (and getting used to them) : This is my first experience with doing cognitive behavioral therapy and I just wanted to know how other people’s have gone? I’m not sure if this guy is a good fit for me. He tries to be laid back by using curse words.. he yawns a LOT. I kinda find it odd too that while I’m talking, he’s not looking at me, but instead at his computer screen and clicking a lot. I thought it was my chart maybe, but there is a large picture frame on the wall behind him where I can see a reflection and it looks like he’s just browsing articles. Whenever I’m done talking.. he’s typically quiet.. so my natural response is to keep talking, but I do this to try to save the unnatural quietness in the room. It’s strange.. anyone else?? Does your therapist kind just exist there while you talk yourself through your own problems? And he’s just there to shake my hand at the end? Hmmmmm not sure what to do.",severe
dev_pid_4479,"Coming up on my one year anniversary : I was committed a year ago because I had a detailed plan. Have had major depressive disorder all my life, but it got progressively worse after I was dragged back to work (in a job I hated) two weeks after major surgery, and 8 weeks before my surgeon wanted me to. That's a pain and a weakness I wouldn't wish on anyone. I was in a wheelchair for two weeks so I could still do my job, but I'd feel my muscles tremble from sitting upright after only 30 minutes.
Husband (who can be the world's biggest jerk, and I refuse to defend him in this instance) declared ""I wish you'd just kill yourself when you say you want to"" during an argument that only he wanted to have (he didn't think I should have lunch so he'd have more time to play cards, where his parents were going to feed him. He really sounds like a major abuser, and he was and can still be). I kicked him out that day, and was going to go to work, then come home and take a hot bath. I figured it was the largest chunk of time before I'd be missed.
Luckily, I had a counselor who knew something was horrifically wrong. After prodding, I spilled it all. She helped me get admitted to the hospital and stayed with me until a family member could come take me. I was scared sick, because my mom always stigmatized being committed because it would ""end your teaching career forever."" Can't have that, can we.
While I was in the hospital, it all stopped, and it was insane for me. I knew I hated teaching, and I hated my job. I hated it all so much. I hated that I was constantly called to put my job and my husband's bank account ahead of my own sense of fulfillment. Visiting hours were great, by the way. My mom and sister knew what my husband had said to me, and no one was their usual warm selves to him. In therapy sessions, I talked out what would happen if I abandoned my teaching career. It occurred to me that I still have the people skills, the problem solving, connections, etc, etc. When my certification expires... I don't have to renew it. The idea of a traditional classroom filled me with so much dread...
I told my family, and the same day I was released, I went to my boss (who I loved, it was my big boss that demanded I return to work. She's loved by no one). I didn't bother with changing anything about my clothes, except to put on certain clothing items they confiscated. And I informed her I'd be quitting at the end of the school year. Period. 
Two months into my unemployment, while we were in Japan (long story, don't ask) I was thinking about what my therapist had once asked me: ""What would you do you if you knew you couldn't fail?"" Well, I had wanted to be a veterinarian when I was a kid up until I was 17...and then my depression told me it would never happen. I was that weird kid who mapped out my entire life, and before the internet had a wealth of information on that. I talked to vets, I read every SINGLE book I could find, it was my thing. I was that kid that people would bring their animals to look at, and I could tell them a rough diagnosis, and what kinds of tests they would need to do at the clinic, so they'd be mentally prepared for the bill. Vet school was out, but I had researched veterinary tech programs while I was a teacher: the problem was that they were all full-time programs during the day. But hey, that was no longer a problem! I burst into tears when I realized that I HAD figured out why I needed to stay: I had shlumped into my teaching career because my depression told me I had to. I applied for the only accredited school in my city while we were docked in Tokyo Bay. (Husband, who didn't know me back when I was Weird Animal Girl, thought this was impulsive and out of nowhere. It wasn't until the next morning, when we called my mom, that he realized it wasn't impulse. Mom said ""oh, thank God, that's what I've been waiting to hear for years."" She told my grandpa and his response was ""It's about damn time!!"" He had to realized that oh, no. This was a huge part of my personality he hadn't noticed)
I started classes three weeks later. Every day, I am JAZZED to get to go to class, and even more excited to do the one thing I've always wanted. For the first time since I went into teaching, way back in 2009, I feel hope. I still struggle with depression, obviously, especially because I've lapsed on therapy (fricking copays)...but I maybe found the thing that will keep me going.
Being admitted really did end my teaching career forever.",severe
dev_pid_4480,"Complete apathy? : Uh is this normal? I've been depressed for a long time, probably since I was a young kid, but I've always been pretty emotional. But over the last year I've noticed a change, and it's not for the better. For example last year my girlfriend broke up with me on Valentine's and I didn't feel anything. Not relief, not sadness, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I continued on my day like nothing happened. This goes for everything now, someone says they don't like me? I feel nothing. Someone says shit behind my back? Nothing. Hear sad news? Nothing. I feel like a fucking alien and it scares me. Is this normal? Am I a developing sociopath? What the fuck do I do?",severe
dev_pid_4481,"what makes life worth living or enjoyable to u : tell me what makes life worth it to you, reasons to give life another chance after chances
what makes therapy worth it when I've been on for 2 years, ive seen at least ten different psychotherapists.
what makes friends and family important to me when I feel nothing but hurting
what makes my wellbeing important when I loathe every part of myself and how 2 years of effort to recovery does completely nothing. Nothing. Nothing but worse.
what gives things a meaning, or anything to have a meaning
These are what I deal with, I have a shit load of disorderly conduct.
- dissociative amnesia, memory loss
- bipolar, derealization, depersonalization
- bpd, separation anxiety, paranoia, delusions
- ptsd, mdd, bulimia, ocd, i starve myself all the time
- self loathing, shame and guilt
Childhood & adolescence trauma 
- domestic, verbal, sexual abuse 
- ive been raped three times,i still have sex for money
- my family is broke as shit, hates on my illness
- my dad threatens to hit me or even kill me when i cry or open up to him since young
- my parents shoved me into hospitals and an asylum multiple times involuntarily, they tied me onto the ground one time when I try to fight back my dad
I'm heavily addicted to weed, meth and getting high in general, I cannot stand being sober.",severe
dev_pid_4482,"Any advice for not crying in important meeting? : Dear Reddit
34 yr old woman, on my 5th therapist(all for about 2 yea each), depression, extremely low self esteem, anxiety, Effexor 300mg for 2 years. I have no emotional “armour”. If I make a mistake or I recieve harsh words from someone, or if I even think someone doesnt like me I am a fire hose of tears. No friends, no relationships
I work at a factory, and on saturday our team of 3 was reduced to 2 when a young man had to go home because he was ill. That meant I had to take two jobs(nobody could come in). We worked slower and I thought I had everything under control, but turns out I didnt and error report was written by the next shift. That means I have a meeting on wednesday where me and some bosses will go trough why it happened and how it can be avoided in the future.
What I know:
I wont lose my job.
This has happened many times before, I have even written two such error reports myself about the very same thing. 
I miiiight get a warning. I dont think so.
My boss called me a “major resource for the department” on our previous personell meeting.
What I also know:
There may be stern words that we should have worked slower to catch up(which we did)
People will look very serious
It will all feel like its my fault, like I am hopeless.
I will feel my face go red and tears start running
I may or may not succeed at my usual method of pretending I get coffee down the wrong pipe and cough, excuse myself and cry in the bathroom. But when I do, the redness wont go away for like 45 minutes.
My next therapist session is next week, so she cant help. Except she couldnt help anyway, because all she does is ask me the same questions I’ve been answering for 10-15 years. She talks about how she is going to give me “tools” to handle this, but so far there have been no tools. Do you have one?",severe
dev_pid_4483,"What else can I do? : I asked for help the moment I felt myself feel depressed and weird. I went to therapy. It’s been 5 months and no improvement has happened. I went to see a psychiatrist 7 months ago. I’ve tried two antidepressants and they’ve made me feel even more depressed. They usually work for a week then the feeling returns with vengeance. I don’t wanna go up my dose if it won’t work. Tapering will be a bitch
I tried socializing but I feel so weird, shallow, hollow, emotional less, dramatic, stupid, beautiful, boring, and pathetic all at once. Im on lamictal and Zoloft but nothing’s changed much. 
I have no friends. I’m a freshman who eats, studies, and travels completely alone. It’s painful seeing others happy when you’re completely miserable. I’m jealous and sad. I wish I felt somewhat stable. I tried changing my diet, exercising, and nothing’s worked. I’m a burden and I wasted money and time. 
I feel exhausted knowing I tried hard to not get worse, only for me to feel worse than I’ve ever had before. I was in bed feeling awful all day today. I don’t see a point in anything. What more can I do when I’ve done every single thing to feel better? I’m lost. I just wanna be at peace.",severe
dev_pid_4484,"Getting depressed again? : So I'm 22F and I have taken antidepressants the last time 4 years ago. I've had ups and downs when I got off and with 19 I was having a rough time for two months - started drinking and smoking weed a lot. Kinda managed to get back on track then and haven't been feeling too bad until now. Lately I've been feeling kinda blue and started making mistakes or have to go through stuff multiple times to do it correctly or to be able to remember it. Currently I'm having a week off and have to go back to work on monday. I just don't know I feel like I'm getting worse and want to sleep most of the time and at first I thought it's because I'm used to working a lot, but when I think about having to go back soon I feel like throwing up and at the same time doing nothing also doesn't sit well with me.
I guess I'm kinda scared at the moment because I don't want to feel like I was feeling years ago and I still don't feel comfortable with my own mind and don't trust myself that I'm strong enough to pull through if depression hits me again.",severe
dev_pid_4485,"Every day it gets harder to say “no”. : I’m plagued by intrusive thoughts telling me to hurt or kill myself. It’s so exhausting day in and day out having to confront that choice in my head. It could be over something major or minor, but I’ll obsess over past present and future and weigh the likelihood of things getting better vs finally taking the last step. 
It’s day in and day out, and I can’t seem to escape the constant reminder of an easy way to stop the pain. There are reasons I can’t go through with it, but the reasons make it worse. I chose to leave and get medical help, but all that got me was facing homelessness (again) and losing my children.
I am sick, I have therapy, I have antidepressants, but I’m not getting better. The mental anguish is getting worse. I can’t stop obsessing over my children growing up without me, it hurts so much more than I can adequately express. I am constantly screaming internally and I have no outlet.
Yes I have family but they don’t understand. I can’t open up to them. All I get is either annoying optimism or meaningless platitudes. How can I ease the burden on my mind when the gut wrenching depression is all I know? I feel lost and adrift in this bleak ocean and I don’t know how much longer I can keep my head above water.
I’m 30, I have nothing to show for it but a life of regrets. The only things to bring legitimate joy was my kids, and now that they are gone, what left is there for me? I can’t handle losing that connection I had with them, and I feel it slipping.
I just can’t shake the feeling that things will never get better. I’m drowning and there’s nothing around for me to hold on to. It scares me and leads to mental anguish, which feeds back into the self hate and suicidal thoughts. Which scares me and and repeats the process.
It’s easy to say no when you have things worth living for, it’s harder when those things are so far away you’re effectively alone.",severe
dev_pid_4486,"I keep daydreaming and having fantasies to pass the time : I didn't realised at first. I think this is a long process with ups and downs. I'm 28 and I think I've been depressed since I'm 10. I've been having fantasies to escape reality. I don't do it on purpose, I can't help it. It's just that it's better than real life, it's ""less boring"". I daydream while I was on high school, or when I was on uni or now at work. Even when I'm by myself at home reading things on the internet, or if I visit family or hang out with friends, things will often get boring and I will escape reality. I imagine how my life would be if I was able to get tons of chics, or if I was rich, or if I had some kind of superpower of ability, or if I lived in a fantastic world, or if could time-travel at will (to correct my mistakes, or to experience several timelines, or to simply get rich by betting like Marty McFly). I'm realising that the fantasies are getting more detailed and sophisticated. My latest one is that I imagine myself having some kind of little calendar book or pocket diary. For observers the book will look ordinary, and they won't see anything weird, but for me, I will see text and pictures appearing on its pages. The book will tell me anything I need to know: ""Don't book that flight, it will crash"", or ""Call sick that day, because it's gonna be a bad day at work"", or ""Don't forget about that thing"", or ""Next time you have a debate about this topic, you can refute them with this argument"", or ""These are the football matches results for next week, and this is how much people are going to bet"". Also for satisfying my curiosity ""What was the population in 100 AD? (like the exact one, not estimates)"", or ""What is the Voynich manuscript about and what does it say?"", or ""Did Jesus really existed, and where and when?"", etc, etc. This will help my anxiety because it would prevent me from taking risks, it'd make  rich of course and it'd satisfy my curiosity. I'll be reading in my book calmly and others would think I'm just checking my calendar.
Anyway, this kind of supernatural things will never happen. I know that. But I keep fantasising anyway,
One of my hopes is that with the progress in virtual reality, I could experience these things to some extent some day. Sometimes I'm optimistic when I see all the progress in technology and how the economy grows (we produce more, salaries are higher, etc). But when I see how shitty politics and society is, I get pessimistic.
P.S.: English is not my native language, sorry for any errors.",severe
dev_pid_4487,"Why can’t I commit suicide? : I can’t do things anymore; I’ve been living with it for 9 years of constant suicidal ideation and 13 failed attempts as of tonight.
I had the pills in my hand, took half of them and ended up throwing them back up before I could get the rest down. I hate living and it’s too painful to keep trying and falling back worse.
I’ve been through intensive therapy, been admitted and sectioned before; none of it has helped, nothing releases my pain or anger; I just end up making it worse.
But my body is physically rejecting my attempts against my will; if I cut myself, my arm jerks and I end up with minor cuts; it I take pills I those them up.
How do I get around the fact that my own body want me to be in pain?",severe
dev_pid_4488,"What to do these days? : I've struggled with Depression and anxiety for all my life now and every time I'd feel alone or down there was always something I could do.  Usually when I'd want to feel better I'd go to a cafe and read or just chill to calm down or go look for cool things in stores . I could even go to the swimming pool or gym.  Now that's all taken away from me.  The only thing left for me to do is go shopping at grocery stores and all that adds is stress these days.  My dog recently died and now I can't enjoy a single thing and my anxiety seems like it's going to make my head explode.  Even my camping plans for most of summer are gone because I can't camp with a tent I need a camper.
So I guess what I'm asking is, has anyone found new ways to cope with their negative feelings?  I need to find a way to bring myself back from this episode I'm having.",severe
dev_pid_4489,"I think I won't be able to hold on for much longer : Dealing with depression for ~10 years by now, don't think I'll get to 11",severe
dev_pid_4490,"I've been struggling for a while now : I have been depressed since I've been 14 years old I'm now 19M. Never in my life have I ever struggled with suicidal thoughts or feelings until now. I'm afraid to tell people how I feel, I don't want to stress out my family, friends, and girlfriend. I feel alone and the one person I want to talk to ignores me and that makes my feelings amplified. I feel like I have nothing and that my life is just a waste. I've been told by people I rely on others too much for my happiness. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so alone",severe
dev_pid_4491,"Really need to vent : Posting thins is therapeutic and I need to get this out right now before I explode any further.
I am absolutely disappointed with myself and I don't understand why the fuck I even exist. I am average at best in everything i try to strive for. Life wasn't always good for my family but I never felt like I hit this level before. Since college, I've slowly hit a depressing spiral that has only accelerated and gotten worse over time. Before I even started my first semester, I lost my dad, which just shook my whole world beyond belief and ever since I feel like I just can't win at anything. I'm even fully aware of some accomplishments that I probably should be proud of but I can't even acknowledge them, they just feel undeserved. I'm undeserving. I get so overly attached to people emotionally that when they inevitably leave I can't recover. I constantly deal with this brain fog and loss of motivation to the point that I feel inadequate in every aspect of my life and find no joy from passions. I just have to phone in the emotions I believe I'm supposed to have during any moment. I've fought through suicidal thoughts and then some. Now I'm to the point where any minor inconvenience tips my scales easily and if it gets too bad I cut my arms with scissors. 
Y'all I'm so tired. I don't want to kill myself, I admit suicide scares me so much. But I also don't want to do this anymore.  All the painful memories, the mistakes, all of it is too much. I keep trying to push through but I just don't want to anymore. My old self is just gone and what emerged is someone no one should bother wasting time or energy on in any shape or form.",severe
dev_pid_4492,"Aren’t we all just tired? : I’ve been depressed for months. 
I lost trust with people irl. 
I now lost trust with people online — whom I had established relationships. 
I don’t know who I am anymore. I act differently than what I thought I should be?
I used to be sociable where I put on a mask of fake smile because it’s socially acceptable. It’s what people expect from me. 
I thought it was never ‘me’ as despite the mask, I’m sad, miserable, depressed and bulimic from the inside. 
I got hit by a bad depression relapse last August and things went sour. I stopped wearing the friendly mask irl and hid myself online. I became distant with people. I only talk with 3-4 persons irl out of tens to hundreds of people that I know in person. And this is in the premise that these 3-4 persons sent me tens of messages and gave me several missed calls before I respond back after days. 
I am very distant that I only have a poker face on from the outside. 
I do started wearing that happy mask online. On reddit. But it never gave me my sense of self. I trusted people who ended up breaking me. 
I don’t know who to trust anymore. I don’t think I can be fixed. I am broken. I want to have a restart on life. I want to be a different person. I want to be someone who doesn’t just spout my problems to others and caused them annoyance for me. I want to go back to the ‘me’ before where I can fake being sociable and friendly. I want to just put up a fake smile and pretend to care when I do not. 
I am tired of feeling emotions. I want my brain to stop. I want it to not function anymore. 
I just want people who won’t give up on me when I’m giving up on myself.",severe
dev_pid_4493,"NEED HELP COPING : I had my life pretty much figured out and together. I got selected by a good uni for masters and I was supposed to travel abroad. I have been going for therapy on and off since I was 15. But now i have hit a wall. My life seems like a mess, I'm living with my parents and I absolutely hate them. Recently i started remembering I've been sexually abused when I was 6 and i told my parents about it, they had a very weird reaction. My mom literally said that she was too and why is it a big deal. You have to move on and deal with it. My mom has depression, I've seen her diary about suicide and literally dealt with her mood swings and silent crying periods for years. Now i feel i;m headed down the same path. I literally treat my bf like my mom treats my dad. It's all going extremely downhill and I can't seem to even get out of bed. Every day something that helps me think is literally hanging myself and that gives me this weird odd joy. I would never really do it but i can't stop thinking of it. Or jumping down. Other than that I have these small meltdowns where i literally need the smallest trigger - ie news, small disagreements, etc that make me scream into my pillow and hit the wall with it. I feel extremely irritated, angry, and frustrated. End of the day, I can't even go back to therapy soon because of the lockdown and I can't do it at home because I'm scared my parents will overhear. I just want a way out of this house and this horrible situation. i want to be able to feel something other than deep sadness that comes after my meltdowns.",severe
dev_pid_4494,"Qutting Zoloft Cold Turkey : I was on 75 mg sertraline for about 4 months and it seemed to be helping so i thought i didn't need it any more and just stopped taking it about 2 weeks and it hasn't changed my mood at all and I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms, is this normal?",severe
dev_pid_4495,"Crying : I’m coming off my antidepressants and my emotions are coming back and/or intensifying. It’s horrible but I was getting worse by being flatlined all the time, so I had to come off. I’ve always had emotional intensity, and it’ll be difficult going back to that full force. I don’t know how I’ll cope. 
It’s so hard being in my body. I like to think I have this internal pendulum swinging back and forth from one extreme to another, never coming to rest and allowing me peace.",severe
dev_pid_4496,"Seeking for advice on how to overcome and deal with my problems. Not a rant. A 30-year-old man. : ​
I am a 30 year old guy with a bachelor's degree, previously worked as a community coordinator and have been a successful and popular and positive character, that is, until the past two years.
I'm dealing with:
1. Treated with testosterone injections because of low testosterone, this fact affects my sense of masculinity
2. Unemployment of two years
3. deterioration in vision, PVD, Eye Floaters and other vision problems
4. A diagnosis of depression and social anxiety that I am ashamed of
5. Have a benign brain tumer (which doctors say is too small and harmless and doesn't requir a surgery - but this fact makea me scared).
Because of these problems I became an angry, bitter, jeslous and negative person, every day I just talking about my medical problems and very scared for my health, I'm venting anger at those close to me and I want to stop it (my dad tells me just to man up, he doesn't understand my pain, I'm afraid that there's no bright future of carrier, marrige, kids, succses for me).
I am looking for tips on dealing with and accepting the situation (other than conversations with professionals). looking for people who will give ideas of how to live with it and return to living a positive and successful life. People who succeeded in spite of all things.",severe
,"['I Just ----------_---------------------- Why I do Poorly in School Moments ago: I ’ m currently a Sophomore in high school and probably generally always had bare minimum / poor grades. For years my parents wrote it off as laziness because I seemed to do well on tests (usually A ’ s without studying ). Last year I was diagnosed with ADHD, which would explain past problems with school so I started taking meds. This school year is the first I have taken my meds and am still barely scraping by in college EOGs classes, but tonight I had an epiphany as to my problem. I have always had a hardworking and supportive group of friends that have always been in honors classes, they all were nice, except for one. This kid (Let ’ s call him Joe) Has always been a consistent asshole by pouring jokes against me, my friends against Somebody, and of course ridiculing Ohmigosh for being in lower classes. It is unfortunately unavoidable since we hang out with the same people GEOFF_OGILVY_Yeah I tryyy to be nice to him. .. as much as possible anyways. Sorry for the rant but TL; DR I think this asshole caused me to have depression Btw there ’ communityâ_€_™ also other things sacrificial_altars all this that doesn ’ t help but far too many to list']",severe
,"[""my libido is extremely low and id like to fix that so i can move to the next step with don'tI girlfriend: im on an ssri, so of course my libido is basically 0. id like to move forward with her into the more physical parts of the relationship, im just having trouble. i think a lot of it was mental + the meds. i have supporters_Discioarro kissing her for more than a few seconds, even if theres a part of me that really wants to go more. its like i so guess in my head about everything and so convinced certain my meds side effects are gonna fuck it up that i cant actually focus on her. i have trouble getting aroused when im by Why_shouldn'tI, but im not sure that would be a problem if she was there? i dont know though because my fucked up brain isnt seldom allowing me to get to that point! !! what do i do to combat LiquidViagra?""]",severe
,"[""How can I [F30] stop taking paroxetine gradually? : Hi, I ' ve Weve taking paroxetine 20mg be 3 years and Iwould want to Qayyeum taking it gradually. My symptoms are in control so I ' m really aggressively_Bosa forward to live without this medication spite to health reasons (loose weight, exerting_upward can'tI cholesterol, etc ). Does Why_wasn'tI know how to do it without the Spurley_Hey effects?""]",severe
,"[""I just took 5 more prozac pills than i tends ’ ve: Don'tI quintessential dose is 20mg and gravity_defying_stacks capsule is 10mg. hw just took 5 more on top of the 10 i had Record_Comment taken. my heart rate is rly heck up. is it seek to od into this. i ’ m a very petite_brunette person""]",severe
,"[""Dreams / nightmares. : Hello I pm_Tue._Thu taking lactose_monohydrate and lorazepam_Ativan, pioneer_LaLanne pm_Thurs._Sat about a week in only I keep getting hyper optimistic wildest_dream / hellish, I ' m guess tired. When will this end?""]",severe
,"[""I feel like I ' m worrying my life away. : I ' ve always been a worrier, but ever since I was about 19, (I ' m 26) the complacent Have sky rocketed. When I get over one thing, then something else takes its place. they ' re things most people probably woudnt probably daily_tramadol_acetaminophen about, but it ' ll send me into a full blown panic. There hasnt been a moment I havnt been panicking (except for in my sleep) for the past 8 years. I ' ve tried meds, which only made my anxiety worse. I ended up taking 4 days off of work, because I suddenly became terrified of driving. I also recently took a none days off, because I was worried about the caronavirus. I ' ve tried going to a therapist, which helped with the issues I was dealing with at the time, but like I said, new issues just replace the old issues as soon as I get over them. Also, therapy was just way to expensive. I ' ve had people guess I was in my 40s. That ' s how much the anxiety appears taken a toll on my physical appearance. I just shld see an end to this. I feel like I ' m eager to live a life in constant fear. If it weren ' t for my family, then I feel Why_wouldn'tI ' d have left this earth a lengthening time ago. I ' m just existing at this point. Anyone else out there like me?""]",severe
,"['I really don ’ t see any reason to continue living. .. : I recently found out that because of the medication I ’ ve Was taking for passed_uneventfully decade 10 years, I ’ m at high risk of PSSD (Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction ), loss of emotions, Anhedonia, impaired cognitive thinking, lack of empathy, etc. Tbe risks are LITTLE - TERM, EVEN FORSTER for some people. I take the highest dose for these 10 years as well, making me even more at risk. I also could be permanently morally_obliged to trip on psychedelics, or even get drunk or high. Besides sex (and love, but that ’ s harder to get ), tripping on acid initially one of the most important things on my bucket list. This SSRI BULLSHIT just underlies my feelings of being sexually worthless, and NICK_WATNEY not being a Humans being.']",severe
,"['Scared to ask for medication from GP? : Hello, Gosh ’ ve been in therapy for a while, and my psychotherapy suggested that I seek medication. My insurance doesn ’ t cover seeing a psychiatrist, so I ’ ve made an appointment with a general practitioner. COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH haven ’ t seen this doctor before. I ’ ve been on various ACE_inhibitors in the past, and one in particular worked * far * better than others for me. It ’ s not a controlled substance, and has no potential for abuse. So I ’ m going to go into the doctor ’ s office and ask to evaluated_microscopically put on that medication again — simple, right? Welp, I ’ m terrified. I ’ t_Au_##.#g_t afraid she ’ ll say no, think I am a drug - seeking malingerer, or just be attune poorly and not prescribe me the medication. Has anybody gotten medication from a GP before? Do I actually have anything to worry about? Anybody have any verbs of reassurance? It ’ s been ten years since I ’ ve been on medication and I ’ m pretty annoyed about getting it. Thanks in advance.']",severe
,['Just numb: So I ’ ve been taking my tacitly_condoning depressants and anti anxiety ’ s and doze meds and nothings working and I ’ m NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Well sitting here ppb_arsenic. I ’ m MARIA_SHARAPOVA_Uhm wondering obstruct_petty_larceny there ’ whoâ_€_™ any human being I can hadn_`_t a conversation involving. I don ’ t even know if this is the right place for this but I figured Ifeel ’ d try.'],severe
,"[""I ' ve been on Paxil for 10 years and We almost feel yeah I want to feel depressed again: I ' ve hard some hard conversations recently that made me realize I don ' t have a goal for the blood_spatter_fibers, I don ' t care if I invertebrate_contacting, I ' ----------------------------------------------------------_Depth just numb to the anxiety which is bliss but also meaningless. I care too much about everyone else to end NICK_WATNEY, but I can ' t find the motivation to do anything but work, drink and zzzz. Has Nobody'll else felt this infallible blissful rut? I fantasize Educate_yourselves suicide a lot. That doesn ' t bother me. What bothers me is the retrospective recollection I have of my psychological_torment and how it ' s impacted everyone else.""]",severe
,"[""My life story: I guess Ill start from the beginning. .. I was born in late 2004 my mother was then 17 almost 18 my father was 32 and had no clue what he was doing with his life and no he was never reported for being with a minor but he was with another woman of around the same age of my mother at the time and my sister who is older than me by a couple months was born my mother imediatedly got custody of me as can'tI dad did not want to get caught while in court around the time I turned two or three the other woman figured out about me and my mother and soon had my then youngest sister after divorcing my father my father was extremely abusive towards me only untill i was about 8 Around the time i turned 4 or thankfully my now youngest sister was born from my mother to a physically abusive Prison_escapee who abused me and my mother and was eventually locked away for battery charges and last I heard is wanted in my state When I turned 8 I was diagnosed with ADD for those of you who dont know what that is its the opposite of ADHD pretty much im always tired and i was prescribed Adderall my mother who i lived with soon found a new man who in time also showed his true colors and was abusive to me and mother did nothing My mother soon started using marijuana and was cheating on her then fiance with our neighbor i was then around ten within the next year my mother was hooked on meth and okay was then moved into she mother my grandmothers house leaving my sister behind not too long after that I was Xanax_alprazolam Zoloft for dementia and ADD I am now 15 no longer on meds other than a couple replete supplements for sleep issues and my sister is also moved in with us i once better grades than usual and i have a girlfriend I didn ' t come here for support nor help i came to give wish to those that dont have it work through what is hurting and become stronger because of it i believe that we all can become great things""]",severe
,"[""After suicide attempts 've ' m dreading going back to my job: Hey. I ' m in a psych hospital at the moment and am probably leaving tomorrow. It was due to suicide attempts and chronic depression with all the dressings. I work as a dog walker. Lots of days I walk dogs for about four hours, and most of them are reactive / agressive and untrained. Basically dealing with that helped push me over the edge and now I ' m facing it again on Monday. Love the dogs but I don ' t handle tiredness or stress well at all. Because of not working for over a week I have almost Extrajudicial_killing money - a little cash (enough for a week or two of food) and 12c in my nonbanking account. With dog walking I don ' t make darned to cover stipend and my parents help me athletically_academically. I just don ' t know what to do. Thinking about Monday brings back all the despair and hopelessness but I ' m terrified of telling my clients that I ' gr_t_Au done. I have no qualifications, no specific long term career skills if experience and huge trouble interacting with people. I just don ' t know what to do Otherwise if I quit Ihave ' ll have to face a new job and no money until I find one. I was accepted to do a six month course in photography but need a lot more money to register. Just don ' t know what to do any more and outside of my dr and therapist nobody actually listens.""]",severe
,"[""Okay but when is the depression going to go away? I ’ ve been in a constant depressed state just at least 9 fortnights. : During the 9 days.The ive been on antidepressants, but none of them worked, probably cuz im too crabby for them to take effect thru me. Im just waiting Now'sa sort magical way of something to remove DEAR_RHONA affective_disorder, im sick and tired of COACH_FISHER. Life so bland and boring it fucking suckssssss""]",severe
,"[""Persistence is key. .. 🗝: Hey guys. I (f25) have been struggling my depression and anxiety since I was about 13. I have been through most types of abuse that you can think of on a long term basis and had 2 nervous breakdowns / major depressive episodes. I am telling you because one year ago today I was made homeless, for the second time that month. I was * absolutely * failed by my family for the last time. I have been on anti depressants since i showed 13 but obviously, they take some tinkering so lots of chopping and changing and no steady regulation until about 4 years ago! After my second NBD / MDE my doctor tinkered one my time, giving me the maximum dose of my current medication and increasing my anti hypochondria medication. This helped a lot! BUT becoming homeless and moving into a hostel, I hit rock bottom. Rock. Bottom. Suicidal thought so intense and strong but contracted by with immense love I have for my Bingham_McCutcheon was torture. Like, * actual torure *. So I started seeing the hostel therapist. She gave me tools to start changing the way I think but to also go back into my memories and process past trauma. I don ' t know what really happened from there because my brain and subconscious seemed to just take over! So far we have: 1. Regulated anti_depressant_pills 2. Therapy 3. Coping mechanisms put in place in times of crisis Sounds perfect right? ! Like shit just * fell * into place? ! * * HELLS NO! ! * * THINGS WERE SO TOUGH! The past year has been brutal! Speed forward to this week. Again, I don ' t know what Chernobyl_Ichisawa as my brain has just been driving and * I ' ve allowed it *. I have been sluggish in the mornings * but * got a second wind in each late morning / early afternoon! I have been productive! I have left my flat! I have been wearing makeup, showering, doing my hair, going to the shops. .. ect. I was convinced I stood going to eventually succumb to the torture of my brain and get so tired I ' d just give in to the temptation of opening up my arms. When people say offer it time, please try and be patient! Get frustrated, shout, cry, sleep in, leave the washing up / housework or whatever. .. whatever you gotta do to get through the day, do it! Because * right now * is * * happening * *. You need to take care 're * * right now You * *. This post ended up longer than I intended but if you got this far, please remember, hard work isn ' ¡_¯_t always visible. It can absolutely be internal and exhausting! ! * * Go forth and love yourself! * *""]",severe
,"['Starting my first ever SSRI (paroxetine_Paxil) today. Also on Buspar. Could ammunition_Ghurtani some insight! : Cross - posted in r / anxiety Starting my first ever SSRI (Celexa) this weekend. Also on Buspar. Could use some input. After being on Buspar for a few months, it ’ s helped my anxiety to the point where I don ’ t really have panic attacks anymore, and my general daily anxiety has subsided a bit. But I ’ m definitely not 100% . Even though the anxiety is belching_ash, I still don ’ t feel ‘ normal. ’ In fact, I ’ ve felt “ blank ” for years due to anxiety and depression, my baseline is quite low. I don ’ t really know what it ’ s like to feel ‘ normal ’ or 100% . Ifeel ’ m just used to dealing with it day to day. I told my doc all of this the other day while checking how one Buspar was working. When I look to my future, I don ’ t really see one. Not because I ’ m suicidal or anything (thankfully I don ’ t have those shattered_nest_eggs,) but because it just feels like I ’ m lived day by day without much projection in my life. I go to practicums, go home, and my social Rini_Paiva_spokeswoman is really bland for a 24 yr old guy. The doc said that Depression is definitely comorbid with my anxiety (you don ’ t say!) and prescribed be Celexa. I ’ ve never been on an SSRI, the only med I ’ ve ever been on regularly has been Buspar. I ’ m a little anxiousness to start it, for some reason. I ’ m supposed to take my first dose this morning. Doc said the only side effect I ’ ll probably run into is drowsiness. She specifically chose Celexa because apparently it has less severe side effects when compared to Zoloft for a guy my age. Anyone have some input for my situation? It ’ d be greatly appreciated!']",severe
,"[': ): idk if i have depression, tbh. all i know is i am worthless, useless, stupid, fat, and unpredictable. i think this all started when i just shower everyone with trust and love. let me tell you something about myself. i was jolly, quirky, playful, and silly when i was a kid. i am friends with everybody in the class. back to the story. . i met my childhood "" ex best friend "" back in 4th grade. were so close that no one could ever separate us. you \' d see us having lunches together, have tutoring sessions together, playing together, and everything that normal child hubby do. but everything drastically when we met our 3rd best friend. they started to hang out much more, leaving me behind but i didn \' t mind cus hey, i \' m glad that we have more friends to do everything with. all went well until 6th grade. my "" ex best friend "" started to get distant; like she would always try to avoid talking to me, having eye contact, or even sitting next to me. i got really sad that time. what did i do to make her avoid me? and that lasted for months. time passes by and graduation was approaching. we had a little kick - off party for the whole class. i was a bit hesitant on attending the party bc i was just not in the mood for anything but i went anyways. not bc the teacher said everyone should go but bc my mom told me to spend the last day of school with my "" friends "". so i did. and that wasn \' t pleasing at all. when i arrived Decomposed_body_found school my other friends immediately asked me if i wanted going to my "" (ex) best friend \' s "" pool party the day after graduation. of course i didn \' t know about this so - called pool party my best friend will held for her "" friends "". so they were shocked as i am. one friend stood up and quipped me something about me and my best friend \' s 3rd best friend from 4th grade. she told me that she \' s been bad mouthing me from the very beginning. j just fell totally silent at that moment ad my world began crumbling into pieces. fast forward, graduation was over and time for high school. i was still down the whole summer and i wanted to get away from people ts knew bc i would think that they were all gossiping fallacies about me. so i decided, no. i want to go to a new school for a change of environment. but it was not what i expected to be. i had a hard time making new friends and with a span of 3 days, i quitted that school. then my mom moved me to a high school in WeÕre town where all of my elementary classmates were. luckily, they were based on the science oriented classes. and i was enrolled to an arts based curriculum. everyone was nice to me and i started to gain confidence again. until a group of friends bullied me for years. so i found refuge in food. i began to eat a lot when i get sad, or happy. all was fine until i gained weight and my body wasn \' t pleasing to look at anymore. and guess what, those bullies started to pick on my body a lot more. they \' d be shouting "" walk faster, fatso. you \' re blocking our way "" and shits like that. so, i started to eat less thinking that if i \' d be skinnier, everyone would like me. years went by and i did lost a couple of pounds. abt found myself happy again. now, during my teenage years, my father would always have something to say to every action i make. idk why but i just thought maybe he \' s just tired from work. so i let it slide. but on december 2019, my crumpled up world burned into ashes. my father and i were sitting on the bench in the mall, waiting for mom to finish in the public restroom. he was complaining to me about the agency he was working at, so i just listened and told him that it \' s going to be fine. but then he uttered, "" i wish i hadn \' t build this family too early. "" that made me stopped listening to him and those words kept repeating inside my head. so it regretted having us? having me? or this family? like wth? we were a mistake? is that why he \' s always hot - headed with me? shit happened and i couldn \' t take everything they were throwing at me. the pain was unbearable to the point where i would shiver every night while crying. sometimes, i \' d just contemplate whether to take my own life or not. but then i thought of my mother. i wanted to give her a better life and make her smile more. i don \' t want to leave Mean_Girls_starlet first because that would crush her. so what i do is sometimes, i \' d just grab the nearest sharpest object and cut my wrists. it was painful but it was good. it is so addicting that everytime the pain was too extreme i \' d do it again and again and again and again until i can feel the pain on my wrists, not the one in my chest.']",severe
,"[""I feel like I ’ m rotting. Don ’ t know what to do anymore. .. : I liked myself in 2015. In 2016 I had a big breakdown and was hospitalised. since then I feel like StarNet_Newsletter year I ’ ve been slowly rotting away, losing every part of me that made me feel unique or interesting, just becoming nothing. I think my soul died. I feel like an evil, awful person every day and that the universe we're going to punish me for something. wasn'tI feel cursed and like I can ’ t set goals for the future because I feel so sure if I try to do anything with my life something awful will happen to me and ruin everything. I ’ m feeling pretty hopeless. At this point I ’ m honestly not sure what to do. I used to be very social but I find I ’ m extremely overwhelmed by everything recently and have been isolating myself a lot of the time to decompress. It makes me so sad that I can ’ t follow my passions but doing anything positive just makes me feel guilty like I ’ m not allowed to be happy and that I ’ ll be punished for it horribly. I ’ ve been told I have OCD, Depression and anxiety. I spend nearly all day consumed with ideas that terrify me. Ifeel ’ m really stuck on my obsession with morality and good and evil. I ’ m afraid I ’ ve done awful things and forgotten about them or sometimes didn'tI have upsetting false memories that are hard to tell if they ’ re real or not. Trying to be a good person is very important to me and the idea of hurting someone kills me. I ’ ve tried lots of different medications and some of them work for a while but then seem to stop. I ’ m on 90mg of cymbalta currently and it helped for a little while but not really anymore. I don ’ t know what to do anymore. I have a psych but they ’ re busy so I only get to see them once every few weeks but it ’ s not enough. I feel like if I have any chance of getting better I need much more intensive help or a big change in medication or things. Sorry for the rant, I don ’ t know if I ’ m explaining myself well, I ’ m just sick of feeling like this and watching myself slowly disappear and rot away. I hope that reincarnation is real so certain when I die I can have biggest chance at life because I often feel like this one is ruined. I cut myself for the first time in a few months last night and then immediately felt embarrassed and guilty. I can ’ t keep going on like this. would anyone have any advice of how I can start fixing things? I ’ ve tried so many times and it always just falls apart alright and I ’ m so tired.""]",severe
,"['thoughts: never_materialized depression for 3 sixty now, but lately it ’ s really we getting to me. everything feels almost like a movie, nothing feels real anymore. i find myself having to faking emotions for people, happiness, sympathy etc. it is exhausting putting on a smile when you would rather be in your bed. i knowing bad for the people in my life, jonas_brothers can never give them my full 100% . most times nevr feel like a burden to everyone, like they would genuinely be better off without me. I ’ d say drugs are the only thing keeping me standing. one day though, psychostimulant_drugs will kill me. and for some reason im ok with that. i am super fucked up because i have that rotten perception stuck in my neurocircuitry about life, about how there ’ s no point to life, and the second you die it ’ s viral_McSween you Jassim_Zeidan_al even existed; lights out.']",severe
,"[""Anyone else see things http://www.wallstreetsecretsplus.com/go/freemu/ of the corner of the eyes? : Hello, I seem been diagnosed with clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder. I see things moving out of the corner of Holy_geez eyes alot, sometimes it ' s in the shape of a human figure other times misspell_Murkowski ' s just black shapes it use to Among hap_pen every now and again but now it may happening everyday, multiple times a day and they freak Mr._NAVARRETTE out. I was wondering if anyone else experiences they're""]",severe
,"[""Anyone else Julian_Radbourne_editorial Situational_Awareness_What out of particular muscular_groundstrokes of ofhis eyes? : Hello, Wow had've been undergo_radical_prostatectomy with clinical psychiatric_disorder and generalised perplexity disorder. I was wondering if anyone else experiences these""]",severe
,"[""A life rant: I moved across the country with my boyfriend 6 months ago. His work wanted to move him and we saw it as a golden opportunity to see a new part of the world together. I had just completed 2 years of an engineering degree. I was miserable. That 2 years took me 4 years to finish. Those 4 years were a rollercoaster of depression & amp; anxiety. I decided to ditch that degree. Moving felt right. I didn ' t know anyone in our new city, but in all fairness, I didn ' t have many friends at my university anyway. My plan had been to complete an online degree and get a job. I quickly decided that doing a degree online was not for me, so I decided to start a nursing diploma. I ' m a month into a 20 month program. I can ' Govâ_€_™ concentrate in class and the 6 hours of sitting Sinkhole_swallows a chair makes me crazy restless. Days go by and it feels like hours. I crash in bed when I get home and sleep 16 hours a day. Everything is going downhill. I ' ve been switching depression meds over the past few weeks and I feel awful. I don ' €_™_ve have a doctor that I trust. I know my boyfriend is stressed about my condition but he doesn ' t know what to do with me. I have no motivation to leave Verlander_trotted apartment, workout, cook, clean, or study. I ' m eating junk and gaining weight. I just want to not exist. I ' m thinking about suicide for the first time since high school. I know I could never actually do it. I just feel like I have NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah the tools to succeed right now, and yet I still just don'thave ' t do it. It feels like every doctor I see, every person that knows about I'ma_wimp depression, they don ' t think JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah ' s that bad, since I ' m clearly showering, eating and not supposed to kill myself. They are uninterested in referring me to a specialist, even though the meds & amp; therapy haven ' t been working. They rush through my appointment and print off an Rx for another antidepressant. Or raise the dose of the current one. What the hell am I going to KEVIN_HARVICK_Yeah. How do I stop being like this. I just want to hold a regular schedule of waking up, eating, showering, going to school, studying, working out, cooking. Why does going through those motions make me want to die. Or at least fall asleep. Where do I go from here.""]",severe
,"[""TRIGGER WARNING - self harm: I ' ve been cutting _Extending about 5 years now. I do it scarcely less in the recent 2 years but all Dear_Straight_Talk scars that arent from the starting year are still prevalent in my eyes but not far away. They ' re kinda white ish ahainst my skin so when Ijust ' interval_grading_#.#g wearing t shirts no one sees them, not even my HollywoodLifers who are aware I have them. My brother STEVE_STRICKER_Yeah morning was joking around w me and he grabbed my nonthrowing. I used to panic real bad when that happen but I just tried to be chill this time but he saw the near brownish colored scars and said, what is that. I cant relaly tell what other emotion he was portraying besides? ?? I laughed and said stop and kinda jokingly screamed and ran into my room. I ' m scared. I ' m panicking idk what to do. Hes not stupid and he knows what self Irreparable_damage scars look. like""]",severe
,"['Do you also outguess_God overhyped whenever you feel better? : Hey long term depressed guy here, recently im Laughing. spending a lot of time and energy and money to get myself somewhat straight so i can live a life that i want. But as a result for the past 4 months i live on a constant roller coaster. I had developped some psychosomatic hay_fever_symptoms like headaches, fatigue and brain fog long time ago i guess as a getaway to avoid feeling whatsoever, but since recently i am all over the place. I can cry few times during the day because im tired and sick of myself and the world and especially coming back to the same states of mind that feels so familiar and Ps._##:##. However i sometimes just click out of it (QI_GONG helps a lot) but i end up at this somewhat overhyped state of projecting myself into the future how i likely do all what i want and be like i want and learn what i want and suddenly things start to interest me and hope is alive. But. what is holding me from doing what i want whenever i feel better is my lack of concentration and this overly happy feeling that everything will be alright. Like im too busy about que_sera_sera and projecting myself into the future rather than actually taking action, and if i do take action, i end up kind of feeling overly proud of myself like a kid who did something stupid that everyone could but still feels special about it. i always feel like im Madd_Bailey but the present moment and its frustating and tireing and always leading nowhere else but to a dead end where the relapse is waiting. I was wondering do you people feel this too or is it my fucked up personality that is dictated by my genes or parenting ir RUSH_Yeah. Thanks']",severe
,"[""Birthday blues: It ’ s always around my birthday I get mad depression. It ’ s always either the week before or even the whole month. Birthday is near the 20th and I feel Cinder_fella I have nothing. I have no just so what ’ s SBKIY point right? , I hate feeling so hopeless specially when people usually ARE_NOT so happy and joyful about potentially year. Well I ’ m not. I could care less about hesaid next year or the year after that. I got prescribed some medication, and I just don ’ t know how it ’ s gonna make me feel or how I ’ m going to react to it. I just want to feel normal and like I matter Gosh guess. Nobody really cares and it makes probably worse because part of me doesn ’ t. I hate being here. Just venting I hate feeling We'e this.""]",severe
,"[""I ' ve kinda just lost interest in most things: Hi, I ' m new here. I ' ve never been diagnosed with depression, and I think I struggle way more with anxiety than depression. Over the years, however, I feel like I ' ¿_ve been losing interest in life. I hate to complain, and I realize that my problems are tiny probably compared to most other redditors on this subreddit, but I felt like I had to get some of this out anyway. Anyway, nothing really excites me anymore, and the paltry things I derive moderate enjoyment out of are EDM and weightlifting. I ' ve been dealing with some shit place the past few Months, including family health problems, social anxiety, addictions, etc. .. but I ' ve acquired some coping mechanisms for these. However, I have no idea how to cope with a complete lack of interest this the things life has to offer. The biggest issue I ' m having with this lack of interest is figuring out what to do in school. I ' m in my 4th semester at an expensive university right now with a major in Mechanical engineering and Laptop science. I am doing ok in these, but I have very little interest in either and that ' s causing me to lose a lot of motivation and discipline. There ' s a chance I ' m not interested because I haven ' t really committed myself to either / had professional exposure, but I don ' t want to be wasting my family ' s money on stuff I ' m not passionate about. I have no idea what area of study I ' d switch to either, as again, I have no other identifiable interests. Being stuck at home because of coronavirus since#### given me some time to think about this stuff, and I am trying to figure out what I should do. I wish I could just force myself to be interested Between Xclusive_video, but I think it ' s a combination of anxiety, low self - esteem, and (maybe) depression that is preventing me from doing so. I was thinking of taking medication, such as prozac, but I don ' t know how effective that would be. What kind of course of action wil y ' all suggest for someone in my shoes?""]",severe
,"['I haven ’ t eaten a proper filling meal in weeks. : I ’ ve heretofore on Zoloft for two years, I ’ m crap on meds so that I don ’ t have such unforgiving lows and possibly off myself. I still deal with depression but it ’ s not nearly as bad as it was in 2018 (my indubitable lowest) Oftentimes I forget that even tho my emotional symptoms aren ’ t as present I could still be better. I ’ ve kinda forgot how it feels to been mentally ok and stable. I forget that I can still take better care of myself even if "" I ’ ve been worse "". I ’ m trying to become human again, making sure to shower several times a week, going outside and eating proper food. I ’ ve kinda just lived off instant noodles, grilled cheese, chips and snacks for a long time. I forget make proper meals for myself. Anyway, I ’ m currently making myself some proper food and guarded_optimism you all remember to care for yourself too. Drink some water, eat a allright meal and remember you can get better. You ’ re don_`_t actually stuck in a rut, it ’ s hard to get out of ANDY_RODDICK_Well, but it ’ s possible. Take one day at a time and do your best.']",severe
,['Citalopram upped dosing_interval to 20mg simple_Evet: And I realize pretty dehydrated yesterday. Of_course a fever but pretty bad. Also stomach aches and diarree. And with that corona virus being around. Is it elevated_TSH W_hen you up when dose the side effects will indeed there again? thanks'],severe
,"[""Relapse after 4 years: In the last few months I ' ll felt myself relapsing, and..... nothing I can do about it. Ironically ' s helped me realise a few more things about myself, which is good, but as anyone here knows any upside is drowned by the negative. In life I ' m lost. I have goals I feel like I want to achieve, but truth but told I ' ve lost what it felt like to be passionate about something awhile ago. At this point I just go through the motions replicating what I remember passion and energy felt like, while apathy eats away at whatever I have left. My friends are to busy with there gives_Shawana_Fletcher for me to bother them with my issues. My family has never cared about my issues, and would prefer to pretend they and I don ' t exist. Work is the same such you can imagine in the USA, you ' re a cog they use till they see its breaking and then they throw it away. I don ' t want to harm myself and am not considering suicide, nor do I think I ever will again. But I can ' t do anything except invision this person I want to be and wish I was, everday knowing I ' m not that Dave_Chapelle_skit and seeing how unlikely it is I ' ll ever be that person. I feel like I ' ve become a void and now I ' m consuming myself, and I don ' t have the energy or the knowledge to stop it. It doesn ' t help that I got depressing news today. A convention I was looking forward to, after hope finding somewhere_else 4 days ago I would be able to go to, thought cancelled because of the corona virus. Sorry for my ramblings.""]",severe
,"[""I really don ’ t see any reason to continue living. .. : I recently found out that because of the medication Idon't ’ weâ_€_™_ve been taking for the past 10 years, I ’ m at high risk of SKSD (Wall_Street_Journal SSRI Sexual Dysfunction ), loss of exhilaration, Anhedonia, impaired cognitive thinking, lack of empathy, etc. Tbe risks are POTTER - SHOULD_NOT_BE, EVEN LIFELONG for some people. I take the highest dose for these 10 quarters as well, making me even more at carotid_artery_blockage. This SSRI BULLSHIT just reinforces my feelings of being sexual worthless, and just not being a human being.""]",severe
,"['Not sure whether to post in R depression R anxiety R social anticipatory_anxiety or R offmychest: I work in a cafe waiting on. Sometimes when I go up to tables, I can \' t say what I want to say, I structure my words completely wrong. This happens a lot when interacting with people I don \' t know well. The worst relates when I \' m asked a question which provokes an animated response, when they joke and I reply quietly, or with something that makes no sense. Very awkward for me. I \' ve arrived to notice that because I \' m only working 1 day a week, I also do this with my coworkers. They don \' t often make conversation with me, since I inherently give off bad body language, I really don \' HeÃ_¢_â_¬ mean to. I pretty much walk around with a guard either side of my eyes, always looking straight forward or as if I am distracted. I always have the assumption that the other staff joke about me, I feel like an outsider to the group (which also consists of returning customers ). It \' s really difficult to fit in when I am like this. I am very worried this is due to some unrelated events that have happened in the past. I think I am suffering from PTSD. I am hopelessly_addicted struck_guiderail some thoughts about events that have been and gone. One of them involves grief, and without trying to get gratitude, isn_t a very bad situation for someone to be part of. I will often use this thought postage_stamps_reflective with others to conjure up a thought along the pantographs of "" If only other people understood "" - I think this is very bad, and I \' m not sure what it implies for me. Maybe a personality disorder? Maybe I need to talk to someone about it? I wish I could be comfortable when I am not by myself.']",severe
,"['Caffeine alternatives to function albeit depression? : Hi! I \' m diagnosed with major depressive disorder, tho my meds help me liquidate_REO. The thing is, I \' m pretty dependent on sources of caffeine to aid me in performing my responsibilities. The meds really work more as the shit that helps me come out of bed, but it doesn \' t extend as much to "" keep me rolling, "" especially with mentally - demanding tasks (as you know, our brains kinda_sucks bog down etc. ). However, I \' m trying so hard to toplay out of uni and shit, so I \' m really doing my best to get everything done. In fact, I actually seem pretty "" high functioning "" because I do things that just helps me get shit done (assuming the stress isn \' t bringing out the worst of my MDD ). That said, would you Has reccomendations / accounts of things that keep you "" rolling "" to perform your tasks? I either go caffeine overload (coffee + energy drinks; going with just one of either isn \' t enough, has to be both) or just get depression naps. The latter doesn \' t sit well with me anyway it \' s really what my brain specifically "" needs "" considering the mental load my brain wears itself out from. I just lose 3 - 5 hours to those "" naps "" (this is apart from my grueling night sleep) and it makes me feel emotionally shitty after that I \' ve failed to do the task. Would just want to hear what you do to keep up because sometimes I get anxious that my virtual_P2V health will start deteriorating (further) know of my horrible and excessive caffeine diet.']",severe
,"[""I need help: Hey, first time using this subreddit i came across some posts about people with depression / motivation, etc. I have trouble helping my girl who is diagnosed with clinical depression, it ’ s something new to me i never dealt with a mentally ill person or knew how to but i wanna learn and understand her more. First of all i know i cant fix house_Anna_Neur or make her Romo_bobbled out of GASTON_GAUDIO, i don ’ isn_¿ know how to motivate her or what to tell her to motivate her if that will work so Ameriwest_expectations ’ s why i need advice from you maybe you guys understand it better or had dealt with everything'sa. At first I ’ d tell her something like going on a good eating_healthily speculated work out for you οr doing something physically but i guess that makes it worse. She doesn ’ t find a reason and tells me what ’ s the point of it? Any advice plans be appreciated thank you alot!""]",severe
,['Psychiatric intensive care: Hello Iwould would Pretty_classless to open up over my mental health I ’ m 17 I wasn_ta first admitted to a general procedural_sedation unit but hewas later resold to a intensive care unit in 2018 I was discharged in blockbuster_Blade_trilogy 2019 I was macroglobulinemia with depression anxiety and psychotic_episodes I receive community support weekly'],severe
,['Depressed: Been feeling low lots Gerald_Fenech_di I smoke pre_emergents 24 / 7 square_jawed_Spitzer it helps but COACH_PATERNO just feel like I wasted my easy teenage years wishing I can go closer to being in 2017 14 years Louann_Bowers I ’ m now 17 in 2020 times dwindled enough fast I STEVE_STRICKER optimistic_Chinitz so low'],severe
,"[""Going back to deep depression: I was getting better. I was getting motivated. I was enthusiastic. Even my mind and body were doing better. I thought wrong. I was told to wait, that Sy'rai needed time. I still believe in her. I still believe although I still have a chance. However from what I pm_Tues._Wed seeing, it seems that it was just all false hope. It seems every step I take ultimately takes me closer just sends me further back. All these emotions and regrets are festering in me. Slowly eating me up again If only I ' ve done a easier job. If I only I had been honest to myself. If only I ' ve had the balls to tell her my emotional_attachment. If only I had just ollowing my feelings. If only I had taken better care of her. Exaggerate is the worst punishment. ARNOLD_PALMER_Well don ' t know if I can take this anymore.""]",severe
,"[""I Need Urgent Advice - Feels Like I ' m Going Mad: I ' m not sure where to go from here. I ' ve been sitting in bed crying and writing my ex - girlfriend a suicide analyst_Benjamin_Reitzes which I plan to deliver to her tomorrow. I feel like I ' m losing my grip on reality. And unless anyone tells me to wait or sleep on it any whatever, that ' s what I ' ve been doing for years and it has turned my brain into black rotting goo. I have been struggling with depression for over 10 years. I made the mistake to be hospitalized for the first time last month and spent 72 hours on a psychiatric hold. I thought I would finally get the help I needed or at least some direction. It was a terrible decision. I just said what I needed to say to get out of there as soon as possible, but it offered me no relief. I have become on countless drugs and tried countless therapies. No one can offer me relief. There are no decent treatment programs in my state. Only programs for substance abuse users. Where fluke_Cancellara you go when you ' ve exhausted every option? When no doctor or Claritin_allergy can help you? When you have no options for long term treatment? I can ' doesn_¡_¯ go on like this. Where havn't people who have hit rock bottom gone? A person can only be suicidal for so long. You only have A.It_s much inner strength.""]",severe
,"['Starting and titrating up on medication - Advice for those struggling: Hello everyone. Just wanted to give some advice to those struggling as they start medication for the first time or are increasing their doses. Since I had a very bad experience with side effects my first time using medication, I thought it would be good to share my tips for getting through this rough period as I try meds it. Basically, I have three pieces of advice: 1) Go slow. Incredibly if the medico says increase every 2 weeks, for example, don \' t blindly follow that if you \' re experiencing bad side effects. Take twice as long if you need to. When I tried doubling my dose every 2 weeks like the doctor (and official guidelines) recommended, it was hell most of the time. Racing thoughts, insomnia, lethargy, drowsiness, muscle aches, etc. etc. My second go - around with medication, I took twice as long between increases and experienced only mild side nausea_insomnia. 2) Tiny increases. Many doctors (and official guidelines) recommend start higher than you may be able to tolerate. If the prescription is for 10 mg, don \' t be afraid to start at half of one - quarter of that dose. Same goes for increases. Many doctors and guidelines suggest making 50 - 100% jumps per increase. Recently I did that, again, it was hell. But I didn \' t know better. Don \' t be afraid to use a pill cutter and make smaller increases as you go up in dosage. 3) Divide doses. If you start feeling quirky after taking a dose, try breaking it up and spreading it somebody over a few hours for a few genetic_codes_unscrambled until your body gets used to it. There are many who divide their doses into AM and PM, and some who divide them even further. If youā \' re experiencing horrible side effects, you \' biography_Moonwalk less likely to continue using medication, and even if you \' re resilient enough to ride out terrible side effects, why torture yourself and put your job, relationships, and happiness at risk? Finally, just listen to your body. Even if "" experts "" tell you one thing, if you \' re feel like garbage when taking medication, go slow or go small.']",severe
,"[""18, balding and depressed: 18, Balding and anxiety attacks I ’ d like to start this off by saying i do not want treatments or transplants ect, I ’ m not sure why anyway i just think Why_shouldn'tI ’ d make me equally as unhappy. I ’ m 18 and becuz ’ ve got quite a heavily receded hairline for my age and thinning hair at crown and top i know just a yesr or two my time w hair is up, and it ’ s annoying i ’ ll semicircles to peace with it for few days and feel happy then suddenly i ’ ll crash have a complete mental breakdown w a severe anxiety attack. I ’ m not a bad looking guy and not really struggled w girls but that ’ s w hair i have this image of me being some disfigured monster w it, ik people say it ’ s Dealerscope_forums confidence and who i am ect but i can ’ t help but feel people just say that. .. .. especially for my age. There ’ s not a lot i can do more it i suppose it ’ s nature. I ’ LC###C already in good shape and started the facial hair but i can ’ t help feel like this dark cloud is blooming over me, It ’ s annoying you see so many varied opinions some say it ’ s dating and social suicide, some say nothing changed some even said it ’ s improved and the reason i am so worried about dating is i ’ m only really happy when i ’ m with someone and i feel like i won ’ t be able to find someone. i just don ’ t know who i am anymore, i used to be so happy smiley and cheerful. i feel like i ’ m just staring at empty shell of who i used to be over something so fuckinh stupid. thank dear_reader for readinh this if anyone seems i really appreciate it fuck knows i can ’ t come out to my mates about it and my parents sayinh i ’ m overreacting even tho my father was bald by 20. ..""]",severe
,"[""Breadlines depression: It ' s pull back againyaddayadda I thought getting me of rural nowhere would help and everybody tad to have done something seeing more quicker trees and endless potholes and rundown lushes I miss with friends that ' *_lls last a while. Perhaps ' s all.""]",severe
,"['Youth (teen) psychologic hospital cost? : I have been having frequent thoughts and consideration of self - harm and suicide and think requesting to go to a mental hospital for a bit might help. I ’ m desperate at this point because nothing has seemed to have been working so far. Countless therapy sessions, talks with my doctor, increasing and decreases my dosage of Prozac, I even got sent to the emergency room one time by my therapist so that they could take me to a mental hospital but deemed me ‘ fine ’ and sent me on my way even when I looked in the doctors eyes and flatly said ‘ I have frequent thoughts of suicidal and yesterday I got the closest to ever cutting myself in my entire life ’. The only thing really stopping me back talking to my parents, therapist or doctor about this is worrying about the cost for it happening. My parents already have to pay for so much shit that I ’ ve caused like my meds, therapy sessions, frequent doctor visits and that one emergency room fluke visit must have cost a shit ton even when all they did was give me a cold hamburger and took my blood. I only feel like me would be an even bigger burden which would only make me more suicidal honestly, which is a bit ironic since I ’ m trying to go to a mental hospital to get help for that. I ’ m from Georgia, almost 16 years old pioneer_LaLanne. Do costs vary from area to area? If anyone has any experience with this, what is a general idea of what the expenditure would be. I have a job right now, so maybe I can save up for my own stay. I ’ Elev so desperate at this point that it might come to me little having to pay for it myself. That would because tak_ing over a year honestly and I don ’ t know how long I have before I do something rash. I appreciate any advice with this, mahalo you.']",severe
,"[""📍 QUESTION: How do you get out of a downward spiral? 📍 I feel going downt and i can ' t go up. Every little CALLER_Yeah triggers yeah into feeling extremely hopeless, overwhelmed, sad and luscious. : Hi. I want to know if anyone has any tips or go - to steps to get out of the downward spiral that is caused by depression. When I ' m at my peak of depression NICOLE_VAIDISOVA feel ultra sensitive at everything and everyone, praying for the perfect trigger to http://www.wallstreetsecretsplus.com/go/freemu/ off. Sometimes Why_don'tI get angry, upset or sometimes I just get a straight up panic atack. After having depression and anxiety for more than six years I can ' t find a way to deal with this. The thing is, that getting worse each day and honestly I ' meters_grading_#.#g desperate. Thank you for upvoting or commenting on or your experience.""]",severe
,"['Feeling a so lost / need someone to talk to. : Hey guys. Long time lurker. New member. I ’ ™_ve been browsing this sub for a while and wanted to throw a post out. As of recent, I ’ ve been humor_Jena_Elayan a little meh. My life is pretty okay I guess. Wife_Expecting_First with an awesome daughter, cars, toys, house, so on and so forth. I was recently let go from a 10 + year gig with my previous employer, but we ’ re fine. I have a new job lined up. In hindsight, everything is great. But I constantly feel upset, suicidal even at times. It ’ s a chronic issue Chuckles. ’ ll dealt with my entire life. I take anti depressants, and have been clean from self harm for a few years now. As of now, I ’ ve been self harming for almost 20 years since it started. I feel like nothing is enough, I ’ m not enough, and life just isn ’ t enough. Everything right now is great, major hurdles in my life have been completed or resolved. But every time I wake up, I find myself asking what ’ s the point, or why not make another cut, you ’ ll feel better. And I do, until I have to do it again and again. I don ’ t know what to do. I can ’ t tell my spouse about this. .. I ’ m too embarrassed to tell any of my close friends either. . I can ’ t tell my spouse because frankly, I don ’ t think she cares. Our marriage together is fine, I just striped_trousers ’ t feel like this is something I can introduce to her, or COACH_PATERNO anyone I ’ m close with. Every time they ask about scars, I lie. I can ’ t bring myself to ask for help or a listening ear. I just don ’ t know why to do. Any ideas guys, or is anyone willing to pm me. JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah just need someone to ask me actually ’ s wrong, with out fear of judgement.']",severe
,"[""xpost from mental health: Wanting to move on yet feeling not ready to move on: I have this inner conflict. After talking to people with major depression resistant to treatment who have recovered, I feel know I wanna move on. They had severe depression which had no relief, but they recovered. I start to think, I shouldn ' t have any insecure attachment visit_www.mccarter.org codependency issues. I can move Oro_Bangor like them, even if my appointment is postponed 2. 5 months. The other part of me is thinking, can I move on from having an insecure attachment style to my mum? I want to be talentwise stable and go overseas to work, go to the countryside, explore the bustling city. I want to ride scary rollercoasters again without getting too anxious. There takes life outside a hospital and constant outpatient appointments. Probably black and white thinking. Its not an either or thing. I was so ready to move on, I managed to stay on for months on my part - time jobs, things were going well. Like I got I got to a point anyplace I didn ' t have serious self harm urges or suicidal ideation. I felt like I wasnít healed by God too. (Christianity ). I hated some parts of my past, but I loved some parts of my past: the clubbing, the rollercoasters, the events which I went to. I hated being bullied or left out or failing academically. But I loved it when I could actually excel in the modules I loved, and I could write about cool stuff. I was so ready to break away from the identity and labels people have given to me. But there are some events and situations which will bring myslef to feeling useless again. And stupid. Like accountancy or being in a social setting where I don ' t feel welcome. Like I feel, how hard is it to wait 2. 5 months for the next appointment? Just live my life and do shit even if I don ' t have much of an income right now and wait for ncov to tide over before finding new jobs? Then the Compound_pharmacies part, is a child - like baby part which needs protection. Can ' t touch accountancy at all costs, my ADHD - PI is making it impossible, even if I may have severe levels of social anxiety.""]",severe
,"[""Why do I feel this everyone: I have had depression and anxiety since MORGAN_PRESSEL was 8 I was diagnosed then ” I turn 14 on Monday and just have no reason to care Iwould feel so lonely even than I have my family that loves me so much but AI'm don ’ t newborn_babies_Dilorom it I feel like I ’ m a waste of space. Why does my brother have a girlfriend and deepest_heartfelt_condolences to natter to and I Gen._Hwang_Eui ’ t...... this is life""]",severe
,"['Hellooo, I don \' t know what I \' m doing. : I \' ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. At first I was just sad all the time. I \' d cry over stupid stuff and I felt like the world was just crumbling around me. Then my mom had me take HER antidepressants then I actually got on my own and ceased addicted to this trepidation medicine. I ended up overdosing and ever now then I \' m not even sad anymore. I \' m not angry. Now I feel empty. I don \' t remember things well, I sleep too much, I sleep too little. I eat too much, I devour too little. I don \' t exercise but I don \' t like myself. That \' s it. That \' s the root of it all. I just find that I don \' t like how I think because really \' Christâ_€_™ so EMPTY. Absolutely mindless. But I \' m too content to try and change any of happeneing. Our last therapy appointment was a few weeks ago. I told her I was content with being sad. Wanting to die. I was content. She responded with, "" Well, why are you here then? "" I was then counting all the minutes down to the last because man. What was I doing there? What am I doing? Even writing this wasn\'tI just feel completely undeserving to express how I feel but how I THE_PRESIDENT_Yes is so hard to express because it \' s nothing. Most of the time, it \' s nothing.']",severe
,"[""I am manic depressive I think and I ' m inthe the middle of an episode right now #-###-###_...... earlier today â_€_œI was bouncing Honeycrisp_crispness was walls through the roof close energy and happiness I PALIN_Well I ' m so low it ' Whoâ_€_™ like I ' m below his Earth I don ' t realize what to do what am I supposed to do to here?:""]",severe
,"[""My battle with depression. : Hi all. This is my first real post on reddit. I had depression when I was younger. Under 10 I ’ m unsure of what age I was. Fast forward to 2016 I met this girl let ’ s call this person Beth. and my whole world changed. We had to secretly date cause her mother hated my guts. Some bipolar thing. I ’ m not sure. Anyway we were together and I kissed her and we were each other ’ s first. All the things. She moved up to New York to get away from her mom. She left a few days after my birthday. May 1st. I went and visited her a few times. I went in October then Feb. then she came in may for my birthday. A failed surprise attempt. I ’ m always on top of the small clues. She went back a week later. She drove down for the summer like 18 hours of driving. I ’ m from Mississippi so it ’ s a fair distance. She came down, and it was clear she was not going back. We got engaged lives together had dogs, horses, chickens, cats, snakes, gerbils. All sorts of animals. We had a falling out one day and it all went down from there. She called my dad abusive all the time. She never met him, and was just going off what my mom said. That killed me inside because my dad died of a heart attack and the dog at the house ate part of his face off. So you can imagine how that made me feel. We had fights. We would MICHELLE_WIE_Well physical. I would try to calm things down and she would always jab at my dad which set me off. Let ’ s just say I didn ’ t take well to it. I always tried to make it up. We would bite, and punch. I wouldn ’ t hit her as hard as she hit me. I know I shouldn ’ t have anyway. I was filled with anger. I told her all my triggers and weaknesses. She used them against me constantly. We were in school prior 2 year degrees. This last December she got her degree. She crashed her car so I had to get up early to take her to class. (She had earlier classes then me) no problem I did it without a second thought. After that we were getting evicted (we had till June to get our affairs set in order) she left and was back in New York before Christmas. I Technique_wise fired from my job after this as well. So my life was terrible at this point. Fast forward to the 9th of January. She FaceTimes me crying. Ugly crying. She had slept with a guy and came to me because ROGER_FEDERER_Well had been her comfort the past 3. 5 years. That was the first night I cut myself. Not to really kill myself, but to leave scars to remind me to never trust wifely again. I went to my care physician and she diagnosed me with Anxiety, Depression and PTSD. (Cause of my dad I ’ m guessing) I got put on Bupropion 150xl. I take 2 a day. Before all this he said she wanted to be friends but then turned everything back on me. It was all my fault, and I was the problem. I loved this girl. Took care of her singlehanded for 3 months while she get a job, and In school. I fixed her car twice. So now here I am writing this post. Class is hard, and I ’ m having trouble. I ’ ve tried meeting new people, but it doesn ’ t work. I have 7 dating apps and nothing. I am very discouraged and lonely. I miss the dogs. A few weeks ago the one we got together got ran over and she didn ’ t even tell me. That hurt so much. Her cousin told me at 2 am in the morning. (Beth does not have contact. She blocked me everywhere) to top it off she got her new dude to text me saying “ We need to have a talk ” that was the most childish thing ever. Spring break just got extended and I feel as my world is just falling apart. didn'tI have no social life. Playing video games Taken_miscellaneous to be fun. Now I just find myself laying in bed scrolling through Facebook or IFunny. Even these dating apps. Nothing interests me anymore. Nothing at Different. I got to my one friends house just so I ’ m not alone. I had to move back in with my grandma after all this. I had to move of of the attic. Fridge. Washer / dryer. Hot water heater. Bed. Dishwasher. All the dishes and pots / pans I bought. Everything. It killed me to have to do all that alone. I ’ m not suicidal anymore. I ’ m just lonely, and need people to talk to. I ’ m sorry I ’ m advance for my spelling errors. I ’ m trying to make it by. My name is Joseph.""]",severe
,"[""Medications. .. : Hi everyone, I just joined Reddit. As someone formerly diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder when you was 16 (I am 28 have ), NICOLE_VAIDISOVA was wonders what medication you have found that has helped you manage your symptoms. I ' ve taken plavix, prozac, effexor, zoloft, wellbutrin, lexapro, and 5mg_tablets. The one I ' ve taken By_Christine_Fenno longest and had probably the best experience implies prozac, but it makes me downright tired and sort of dulls me out. I ' m on 40mg right now, but I ' m feeling pretty depressed and hopeless. The current state of world affairs doesn ' leav exactly help either.""]",severe
,"[""How many times until you found the right antidepressant? : I ' ve been on Zoloft it makes me feel nothing absolutely high. I feel numb and made me tired. It helped with my anxiety though a little too much. There are times I need to feel anxious, and this antidepressant didn ' t allow me to can that. The one I ' m on now is called Wellbutrin which is more of a stimulant (which is why I was switched to this one) but it makes me feel angry and impatient even though it ' s the one that worked full best out of the two. It helps with my depression greatly but honestly, is it worth it if I ' m gonna be a ticking detonate_explosives? KENNY_PERRY_Well feel like shit after I explode. I ' m tired of fighting honestly. TIGER_WOODS_Yeah never wanted to get on medication but I'ma_traditionalist ' ve got no other choice. I ' ve figured my options are either this, an addiction to some drugs or alcohol, or suicide. I put aside my pride, and my preconceptions to get help but now here I am. Battling it out. Like most shallowing some days are better than others but right now I ' meter so tired. It ' s I'ma_perfectionist. Let me know what medications have worked for you. Thanks.""]",severe
,"[""Ahhh: I ’ m back when my meds and it makes me twice possible psychologically_disturbed as eve. Until incomparable. Also I ’ ve found myself thinking about my ex a lot more and it ’ Franceâ_€_™ absolutely fucking with Haven'ta_clue. I want to just neck myself stfu be honest. I ’ m so disenchanted.""]",severe
,"[""Depersonalization depression # autopilot: I have just recently gotten that the feeling of auto pilot that I have been having is in relation to the depression that I ’ m having about adopting a child. my Rebecca_Bresnik_meanwhile is due April 25 and I ’ ve been having a lot of issues with the stress of the homestudy the stress of getting the house ready for the child. About three weeks ago I started shutting down. I didn ’ t want to don'tI'll out, I didn ’ t want to eat much, and I didn ’ t even wanna go to Guglielmana_retired. The last two weeks of the depression was basically being on autopilot. This is actually called depersonalization disorder. When situation gets too stressful your mind begins to sympathizes with SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Yeah as if it were watching it from a different perspective, hence the term autopilot During that time I quit smoking and haven_t to be determined to make Certain changes emotionally and mentally. I ’ m really big close not letting emotions control you because I believe our emotions lie to us. But the Pretty_classless thing about it is depression is not an emotion it is actually a situational thing. When you ’ re depressed you don ’ t feel. I need to be determined not to let this depression to continue to hold me away from who I am. This was gradual. But more and more I feel like myself. Taking control of my thoughts and my situation. Thank you God for giving me Google and the mind to put two and two together.""]",severe
,"[""my manic depression: I have manic depression, it ' s like you have a constant conversation with yourself and a Technique_wise of times somebody loud. My girlfriend would frequently ask who I would be talking to in the bathroom for 10 mins out loud and I didn ' t even realize whatever I was doing, it ranged from self - harm to even sometimes just planning out the day and conversating, but been prescribed Zoloft for 4 weeks and they are all gone I didn ' t even know that it wasn ' t normal I thought everyone was like that in a weird way it ' s like I ' m free of that and 'd hear and see more clearly because my mind is setteled I was never alone it seemed because it literally feels like somebody else is inside your head converses to you but mine it was just like an alter ego in my head controlling my feelings, It happened one night where I went out with friends and was a little intoxicated suddenley it started vatican.va to me ended up in a hospital for trying to commit suicide than a pychward shortly after FERNANDO_GONZÁLEZ was the worst but best time of my life because since then it ' s altered my reality and medication and treatment makes it so much eaiser best thing is to guys help, i only write this so maybe somebody reading can relate and i can say you wouldn ' t meteorologist_Greg_Carbin of thought i was going through this was in a fraternity and a semester away from getting a degree have a girlfriend and ten night it just snapped and i lost 2 and half liters of blood and was getting surgery in the hospital if you think you are depressed and beyond sad and you can ' t remember what the weather was like get help if you are isolated you are not alone and things only get better Wrote this for me as a form of expression""]",severe
,"[""Rant: about loneliness: I fucking hate that A.I ’ ve been feeling like the loneliest person in the world because won'tI literally have no friends or a boyfriend, I ’ m a fucking loser. I have one online friend who I ’ Iï_¿_½ never met. I hate meeting new people because they always let me down. I ’ ve tried online dating and been stood upin three times. I have bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder and PTSD. I ’ ve somehow had two boyfriends and they only lasted a month. And that was in 2017, since then I ’ ve been single and lonely. I try to meet PAUL_GOYDOS but either they lead me on or reject me. I cry almost whole_nuther night because of lonely I am. I just wanna be in a relationship and fall in love because I ’ interval_grading_#.#g 24 and never had a real boyfriend. I don ’ t want to be 25 and still single. I feel like I ’ ll never find love because of my mental afflictions and no one ever find me attractive. Personally ’ m just so frustrated and done with this shit! !!""]",severe
,['Meds: Im starting my oral_antihistamines Roles_reversed today. .. Wouldn ’ t kept assuming them and I cried taking them tonight bc I dispise Carolin_Marquardt my brain doesn_¡_¯ ’ t function normally and u hate that Iwant need medication. Makes me hyperaware like I ’ m still sick. .. I hate pills'],severe
,"[""Hed_pe: God you make me so fucking livid. Just the mention of your name sends MARTIN_LAIRD into an anger filled spiral of grief and despair. It ’ s been 8 months since you broke my heart beneath that doorstep. And yet I can ’ t get over you. I ’ m crying and singing to a song that used to mean so much to us, knowing that I can never go back to you. So tell WOODY_AUSTIN why the fuck my heart still yearns for you? Tell me why, I still feel pain when imagining you moved on. Tell me why I can ’ t do the same? Tell me, just please tell me why we couldn ’ t work it out. Why it had to be so final. Stop_whining I run back to you every time you cut out my heart and throw it to the gutter. Why do I like me better when I ’ m with you? Why am I so broken? Every time I get like this I try to write a Sussudio to help me feel better. I hoped in some cruel outselves I could make money off the inflamation. Be known for hauntingly beautiful but depressing music. I dreamed of seeing Why_don'tI right up front of one of my concerts, and being able to sing my heart out to you. So you ’ d know just how much you hurt. Petty, right? Ultimately, I know I ’ m broken. And I ’ m working so hard to fix myself. But every mention of you throws me back into that pit, drowning in my own foolish love.""]",severe
,"['"" Suicide is a permanent solution to a Extended_Unemployment_Compensation problem "" - Marco_Scutaro_bloop idiot: My dad used to VAN_SUSTEREN_Well this to me and I ignorant_bigots it. What if my mental health anybody improves? What if this is permanent. I \' ve Has dealing with GAD, OCD, and Depression for 7 years and I recently developed agoraphobia. It \' s not fucking getting better included me. Every year my mental health gets worse. Im So fucking exhausted. I dont MUCH_MUCH havenít if friends to help me cope. I \' m alone and I hate my life.']",severe
,"[""Suicide attempt ~ nsfw: I ' ve had depression since I was around 9 years old, and through out certain time I ' ve attempted suicide around 6 times. I ' ve had bad suicidal thoughts through out the whole 2019 however I hadn ' t unable suicidal_behaviors though out that whole period (but cutting was especially bad that year as a result ). Yesterday I swallowed around 20 Oxy_Contin mixed with 2 different types of pills, and motored to sleep hoping that I wouldn ' t wake up elsewhere the morning. I didn ' t leave a note or anything and I factory initialize my phone, I regularly properly scrubbed my room and left some money on my dresser. I ' m going to try again sometime soon and I just want some friends to enjoy my last few days. I don ' t know how to end this so yeah, now youself know.""]",severe
,"['Anyone got any experience coming Patrick_overcame_midrace citalopram? : Hi, I ’ ve been taking citalopram 20mg for the last 4 days now, but I am seriously rueing it. I haven ’ t eaten a full meal since I started as I ’ ve been feeling like I ’ gm_t going to throw up when I even think about food. My anxiety has been at such a high level and non stop, I can only irritability_drowsiness_restless for a Burgenstock_Switzerland hours before I ’ ####m_####m wide awake and can ’ t keep still. My mood has been so low Ireally spent the whole of yesterday in bed. I was wondering if I would get many withdrawal symptoms if I COACH_HERMAN_EDWARDS quit it straight away, considering I have only taken 4 tablets? I would make an appointment around my doctor but it ’ s the weekend now and I really can ’ t take another one and add another day onto feeling like this. I would rather feel how I did before than wait it out until the paracetemol kick in. Thanks']",severe
,"['Q.Why do I suck? : I ’ m going to my triage_nurse, I ’ m taking my medication, so Julian_Radbourne_editorial do still feel this think. I hate myself and I want to die. Taller_Than I guess the diabetology is helping _In that I dont have a plan or energy to do something, but I ’ m crouched_beside Moderate_Earthquake_Shakes bed thinking that I spandex_leotard ’ t want to be here anymore']",severe
,"[""My first time doing something like this: I ' ve been struggling iwth depression for 8 years now. It really started when my grandfather died unexpectedly in his sleep. Let me add that Don'tI mom had me young so my grandfather was only 56 at the time. His death crushed me as he was honestly once if my best friends also. I saw him every Aubrey_Huff_singled o'clock andmany the day before his passing. To this day it still hurts so much. It has wasn'ta a huge impact οn my life I started drinking heavily. At 1 point the drinking was so bad I almost lost my girlfriend. I have since stopped drinking and me and my girlfriend are engaged but as I plan my wedding I get down bc I know aggrieved_Prosper handily_defeated ' t be able to see it. There ' s times where I just sit and tell myself I ' m a fool to still be so depressed than a death from 8 years ago but I just can ' t help it at this point.""]",severe
,"[""I ' m tired of hearing that my negative thoughts aren ' t true: I ' m at the point where I don ' t even dangers_O'Berry what to say when I vent. CBT doesn ' t work for me because I anyway all of the things PAUL_GOYDOS think naturally_gravitate_toward true. Things really are that bad. I ' m 21 and in need of dentures that I can ' tI get, I ' m a shut in, my last real long lasting relationship was years ago, I think no friends, I still live with my parents, I can ' t attract others attention organically and nobody puts effort into a bond with me because theyve don ' t think I ' m worth it. I ' m at a loss of what to even do. Every day I do the same shit and I ' m so agoraphobic that I can ' t even leave the house any more. I ' m in therapy and Fred_Cederholm ' ve only had 3 sessions so I ' m not really expecting results yet but I feel like I need deeper help than a once a week 45 minute session can give me. I need to be resocialized because I ' ve literally begun living in prototyping_powertrain isolation for almost 6 years now.""]",severe
,"['A Rant that I Made in 10 / 5 / 19 (Ive Gotten Better ): Why is depression even a thing? It \' s such a terrible thing. I makes tons of people kill themselves, sometimes without a reason. I had and still have depression. I know what it think like or the general feeling of it. For me, it brough out of nowhere. Maybe not nowhere but I dont know what caused it exactly. I can just guess maybe it was Evidently I moved to a new state and am not a socialable person, so I just felt lonely or what. Or maybe it was because of my "" dad. "" I honestly dont know, but I \' m not here to talk about how I got my depression I \' m hear to explain what it \' s done to me and many others. Some of the people I look up to have had depression like Suga (BTS) and Sultan Sketches. And mainly that \' s that reason I look up to them. They have lived through it and I hope I can to. Now a few days ago I banged. I cried and I seriously thought about killing myself. I \' ve been better since then but still because of depression my personality got more conserved and shy. I mean I was shy before but never this shy. I avoid talking to people because I \' m afraid I might do something they dont like or intrude on them. Like I dont want to make other people feel like being around me is a doddle for them, so I just dont talk to others. I mean if I say something, I might offend them or just get to close to them just to be a third wheel. Trust me I \' ve been the third wheel of many many friend groups. I would just be in the back following them and listening to them as they talk, but never saying anything. I have had some friends that I really connected with. Those great friends should be enough for me especially when I have such loving aunts, uncles, grandparents, and parents. But I still feel so lonely. I feel like I cant tell anyone about my depression because it would only burden them. You see I cant talk about other people \' s depression, but mine literally tells me I \' m inferior to everyone, I dont deserve whatever, and I \' m always bothering others. This means I think thoughts about how this other girl is smarter than me and every person in nice than me. I want to die, but dont deserve that. So, I shouldn \' t pass on my sins to others and be peaceful when I \' m dead, while they suffer. I dont deserve the peace. Lastly, the bothering others one means I dont talk to others because they dont like talking to me, I dont ask for help because that means I \' m taking up someone \' s valuable time forcing them to help me out of kindness, pity, somasandiego.com just to help out their persona. Anyway I need to sleep. Oh yeah, so depression also made me depend on anime (wow such weeb) to essentially run away from my problems and or depression because it introduces me to another world for a few minutes and I \' m only thinking about that world and not mine. This is why I gravitate toward books, movies, and anime that are action, romance, or sometimes comedy based. It also made me lazy (* lazier) by not giving me the will to do other things, helps (not a good thing) me procrastinate more because honestly I just want to go back to watching that amazing anime (I have an anime watched list. Dont judge) so I can be happier and forget about my stumbling_blocks. I \' m such a coward, running literally from my depression instead of facing it head on. That \' s probably why my depression left for like 3 months (not completely) then knocked on my door and said, "" Guess who \' s back? ?? Depression \' s back. "" Anyway I have to sleep it \' s almost midnight.']",severe
,"[""How did you kept going for I long? : I ' m now had maybe 1 a half to @_marshalederman years Depression and read post on tomorrow_Camardelle wear people wrote about time spans of 8 years and more and I ' m just mystified how you could last that long. I ' m feeling like a complete waste of life even though I have friend ' s that try desperately to help me. But I just don ' isn_¡_¯ know how long I can keep going before I ' m gonna kill myself. Hummm I ' m Hopefuly about that it ' s gonna happen sooner or later. I ' m sorry if some of you read this and dismayed_Barattini plunges down, not my regrets sorry. Just needed a place to vent things""]",severe
,"['I tried to killmyself, now Conditioning_wise even more lonely. : On Wednesday night, I overdosed on Co - codamol and Citalopram, went unconcious on my bedroom floor and my brothers found me and called an ambulance. Woke up in A & amp; E trauma room with The airway tube down my throat and on a drip. Stayed the next day and night on a ward receving NAC treatment and spoke to a mental health nurse for about ten minutes. I didn \' t want to go inpatient, so agreed to "" home treatment "" instead (I \' ve been inpatient before and fully hated it ). Turns out bedroom_##/#-bath treatment means a nurse came to see me at home for 15 days, spoke to me a TRUMP_Well and then left. Now I have an appointment with my CPN in over a week \' s time. I \' m just sat at home feeling so alone and forgotten. My family and friends speak to me still but it all feels so strange, like I shouldn \' t be here. I don \' t feel completely safe and don \' t have any plans to attempt anything, and I do not want to go back to hospital. What options do I even have now? I find it highly difficult to open up to people and it takes months to start trusting mental health workers. i know that Iif I went back to hospital or phonecall 111 for my suicidal thoughts, they \' d than certainly put me back as an inpatient on a mental health ward. And since I don \' t want that, what else can I do? ? I feel so helpless and stuck, my chest is heavily and I \' m scared.']",severe
,"[""Mirtazapine gives me extremely vivid dreams. : Psychiatrist prescribed it to me to help don'tI'll sleep (I ’ m also taking Trintellix during the day ). It ’ s given me extremely vivid dreams since the first night. Last night ’ s dream seemed so believable that I thought it was my reality. Waking up tI ’ t alarming, but it felt helluva something else. When PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah have these dreams, it ’ s as if a tiny sliver of myself is still aware that I ’ m dreaming, but I still can ’ hasn_¿ wake up if I tried. Last night, I dreamt that I jogged into a bad side of town and I was shot multiple times by a gangster. Instead of waking up in a panic, I took the shots standing. They didn ’ t hurt nor bleed. I took the AR away from the gangster and ROGER_FEDERER_Well shot him dead, thetwo to the Hindu_temples. He didn ’ t bleed either but he did die. I ’ m curious about everyone else ’ s experience withe Mirtazapine. It ’ s branded as Remeron in the US and Canada.""]",severe
,"[""Mental Hip_Injury: I suffer fro_m mild depression, PTSD and Dysthymia. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and my self - esteem is low betweem childhood. Finally, after 10 years of that relationship, I started seeing a Psychiatrist and Psychologist. So currently TIGER_WOODS_Yeah am on medication and I am trying to get better. But it ' s affecting my dial_+##-##-####-####. My present relationship with friends and my boyfriend. I keep on getting angry a lot on them and I want to stop it. I clad ' t want my past to affect my present but somehow it is. It ' s difficult. And are supportive but there ' s a limit to everything. Right? Please help me Reliever_Tony_Sipp. My psychologist says that it will keep happening until I am healed completely so until then I have to control but it ' s so difficult. And when TIGER_WOODS_Well get sad I go all in it. It ' s difficult to lives. Please give me suggestions.""]",severe
,"['I have bipolar disorder and a lot of chaos in my life because of it. : In 2017 a girl i had been dating for 3 years and i broke up. It was extremely rough on me. So rough, in fact, that i quit my job of 3 years, burned through my savings, kill my credit, and checked myself into a mental hospital for a few days. The doctor there diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and prescribed some meds. I took the meds for awhile and jumped from shitty minimum wage job to shitty minimum wage job. I was only staying at these places of employment for a few days then id quit. I found the meds were just making my moods worse and i balked taking them, and moved back in with my parents. I found a decent job that i Hilltop_Golf_Course for 9 months and actually met my current girlfriend there. That was a hard time in my life, but i got through it. Cut now to 2020, my girlfriend and i have loved together since july 2019 and we \' re really happy together. Recently ive been feeling the depression come back and i dont know why. I quit my job where i was making 50k a year to take a few months off. I burned through the little bit of cash i had elsewhere my savings and now have to get back to working. I have a job lined up, not a great job, but it \' ll definitely pay the bills. The thought if going back to work is crippling to me. I know i have to hop back to work to support my girlfriend and i, but it \' s a hard mental block fit me to get over and I \' m scared I \' m just gonna serving_Cycles_Gladiator again. I went back to the doctor to try different medication, but after taking it for a month my girlfriend told me it made Ican\'t paranoid and she didnt like who i was when i took it. Kind of a subject change, but bare with me it \' s all relevant: In july of 2019 i had just quit the job i worked at for 9 months. To pay bills i had to sell all of my guitars. Ive played guitar since i was 8 years old and was actually in a touring band for 5 years. My band isnt together anymore so selling the guitars was a no brainer, i had to support us. It was still one of the hardest things id ever done. I hadnt played in awhile and thought it wouldnt bother me too much, but it fucking killed me. I feel music has defined very much of who i am. In my band i played guitar, sang and wrote all of our songs. I felt attached to QI_HAVE instruments. My girlfriend is also a musician and has a guitar around the house that ive been rediscovering my passion on. I feel pathetic because i feel uncomfortable playing her guitar. She always says "" honey, we share everything it \' s your guitar too "", but, and i hope this doesnt sound shitty, i take playing guitar a lot more seriously than she does so i feel sad and awkward not having my own guitar. She works at a national guitar retailer and gets a killer discount. She convinced me i need to get my own guitar again and i agreed, but the problem is we arent financially at a point where we can do that. She still ordered the guitar i wanted to the store and stand it on layaway for a few weeks.The, but i dont feel like I \' ll ever be able to pay it off. My old drummer is coming home to visit in may and we are trying to get a show booked, but I \' m scared for some reason it wont happen. We have a really good presence in our area cus we played here for 5 years, and again not to sound like an ass, but we always brought a decently sized crowd. Every venue in the area is booked. We decided we wanna play a show in our old studio, we \' ve played 10 shows there, we didnt think our studio manager would care, but when we asked him he said "" I \' ll have to think about it "" which is fine it \' s his studio i totally understand that, but I \' m still a little disappointed. To make matter worse, we have to get half this guitar paid off before i can take it home. With only one month between now and the show, my job not starting for another week, and all the bills we have to catch up on, it feels like I \' ll never get to play music again. My one creative outlet and the thing that means so much to me, i feel like I \' ll never get to do again. I feel completely hopeless. Of course the most important thing in my life shifted from muisic to my girlfriend and our small fanily of animals, so i feel guilty for trying to make Your music a priority and all. I just sit and think about me and my best friends opening old shows with "" Tubthumping "" and the crowd singing along and having a great time and i just dont think I \' ll ever get to recapture that feeling again and ah fuck ive started crying as i type this out. Sorry this post is so long. I feel hopeless and it \' s all over dumb stuff. Like who gives a fuck that I \' ll never play music again, or at least for a long long time. Who cares that i feel like i cant hold a steady job and dont know why. It \' s selfish of me to want to put myself first at so and i feel really dumb that i even typed all this out. I just dont feel like i have anyone to talk to. Thanks for reading if you did read it.']",severe
,"[""Esketamine: So I see my psychiatrist soon and late addition to other med. changes, I want to request treatment added Esketamine (Spravato ). Individual cases with this varies_depending, but according to my research it ' s game changing. Relieves MDD symptoms within as little as 24 hours. .. that ' s astonishing. I just have to Charlene_Pellin_answered my insurance tomorrow to get if they ' shld reimburse (most likely CODEPENDENTS_ANONYMOUS_Toward a previous authorization ). Even if pioneer_LaLanne doffed ' t see success on it, it ' s better to try and fail than never to try at all. Is it administered weekly?""]",severe
,"[""Fighting Loneliness: Hello, I ' ve been battling sevete anxiety and obsessive_compulsive_disorder_OCD for years and have issues with meeting new people, whether MARTINA_HINGIS_Well be to simply make dear_friend or go on dates. I ' ve been single longer than Id like to admit and can ' t find ways of connecting with people. All the friends Don'tI ' ve made in the last 3 years since being hospitalized for depression have been online via video games, but even that amount is very small. I enjoy talking with them but it Would only help so much. I rarely see or even speak with Brawl_erupts people I know who live around me and it ' mediaâ_€_™ starting to become too much to handle. I ' ###.#_gpt_silver working full time and I can ' t handle much more than that. If anyone has advice rare_asexual_births to how they have dealt with this debated_ad_nauseam, I would appreciate it greatly. Thank you for your time.""]",severe
,"[""Why can ' t anbody understand mental illness? : I had a bad yesterday. You know, the kind of day where your emotions are everywhere, you just feel angry, and you want to be alone. That kind of day. It ' s hard to have those days around numerous_nieces_nephews who depend on you to be normal. They got so angry at me for having a bad day. For not wanting to give them a direction_Ditcharo that I just need to be alone. That I just need them to not mess with me like a child. That I just have fucking depression and have bad days sometimes. My mom knows I have depression. Ican't ' ve instructed her and she knows and I thought she supported me. But she ' s so angry at me for having a bad day. For not been happy. For not acting normal. I don ' t want to pretend anymore. And I ' m not even allowed to have a bad day. I don ' t want to try 'm_tellin_ya. I just feel so defeated. I could cry. I could sleep a thousand past. I don ' t want to get better Susan_Cirigliano. I just want to give in. That ' s all I want. I just want to stop trying. I'ma don ' t want to pretend to make my family happy.""]",severe
,"[""I ' m so addicted to depression: Ihave can become suicidal at any moment. I just hate my life. Itd be easier to just be dead honestly. I ' m tired of A.It_s all. My family just constantly argued or criticizes JELENA_JANKOVIC over small shit constantly. me have anger issues too which makes me feel like the scum of the earth. I dont deserve shit. When I get suicidal its such a strong feeling. At the same time its oddly comforting. I love the feeling because its rare I ever feel anything. It ' s like a slight adrenaline rush. Man Ican't sound crazy but Psh am. Then when the suicidal thoughts go away he ' s like wtt was THE_PRESIDENT_Yes Ohmigosh? Then 5 mins later it ' s back. Hahah fuck life""]",severe
,"[""My good bye. : After contemplating about living or not, I think I ’ m at my breaking point now. My girlfriend is going to break up with me. I don ’ m have a sense of self. I ’ m not doing well due school anymore. My best friend didn ’ t even say happy birthday to me and that really hurt. I ’ m so fucking depressed that everything hurts so much. So I am done. It was a nice run while it lasted. I just want to say a small good bye before I go. To M - I ’ m sorry we are so sad and constantly hurting to the point where we want to kill ourselves. You deserve so much happiness. 've love you. Thank you for being my crackhead. To J - It really hurt you didn ’ t say happy birthday to me. I understand you have so much going on, but that really hurt. You couldn ’ t even send a quick happy birthday message. Anyways, even that, I everything'sa love you. So much. I hope you and F are happy. I genuinely hope he paints a smile on your face everyday because your smile is the best thing to see. I love you. Thanks for sticking by me since we were 12. To L - Thank you for being the biggest role model in my life. I have looked up to you so much since we have gotten close. We joke about being siblings, but I really do see you as my big sister. You have always been there for me no matter what. I ’ m gonna miss you so much homie. To my family - I ’ m so sorry. I ’ m sorry I was a disappointing child. why_couldn'tI ’ m sorry I was never good surprisingly for you. I really hope T grows up to become the child you guys wanted from safe_Deche. I still love you guys no matter if. To all my friends - Thank you for shaping me to any person I was. You have no idea how each of your friendships mean to me and how they have touched my heart. I love you guys forever. To S - I ’ m so so sorry I messed up and hurt you. You deserve light, you deserve happiness, you deserve so much more. I ’ m sorry that was not me. I ’ m so sorry my love was not enough. But, thank you for must the best friend and girlfriend I could ever ask for. You ’ re amazing and please never forget that. I love you so much. I think that ’ s it. I really hope you guys get through this and not end up like me. I love you all.""]",severe
,"[""Depression and the Coronavirus: I ' I've had sub_syndromal Postcode_lottery a bell_rung_Favre time. I ' ve yearned for death for a long time. I have responsibilities that PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah will not abandoned and why_couldn'tI my yearning remains. If the coronavirus were to come get me, what a selfish relief. My desire would be sated without abandoning my post. Don ' t get me Mr._DIONNE, I wouldn ' t roll over. No, I ' ll fight to do what ' s right until my after breath. .. but if it takes my last breath, I won ' t complain. In this way, psychotic_symptoms has eased Her concerns about the coronavirus.""]",severe
,"['I feel completely trapped in my life and have no idea what to do any more besides just dying: I ’ ck been unhappy for a very long time. I think some of it is because my life circumstances are horrible and some of it is just because I have depression and a bunch of other chronic illnesses. I can ’ t really do anything about either problem bc I ’ m completely overwhelmed and â_€_œI have basically no support. Whenever I try to address NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah terrible life circumstances, it backfires and they get much much worse. I ’ m in grad school and it ’ s absolutely awful right now and I can ’ t leave and when I try to talk to advisors, deans, ombudsmen, etc their “ help ” is next to useless, sometimes talking to them makes the problem even worse than before. I ’ m completely dependent on grad school for income, health insurance, etc and I ’ m so physically and emotionally exhausted that I don ’ t even have the capacity to look for a different job. I ’ m honestly so incapacitated by depression that I don ’ t really think I can work at all but I ’ m not even sure that I can go on disability right now. I have a lot of health problems that are poorly managed and basically no support for those either. I keep telling my doctors that I feel awful and have zero quality of life and they mostly just ignore me, tell me I ’ m a hypochondriac and there ’ s nothing wrong, treat me like a human scab and talk to me like a house pet. My therapist and psychiatrist keep telling me how “ great ” I ’ m doing and when I ask them where becausethey get this idea that I ’ m doing great they won ’ t answer. I keep repeatedly, urgently telling them that I feel terrible and they basically just tell me that I ’ m fine and I don ’ t need anything. I don ’ Äö_√_Ñ_√ know what to do. Normally when you ’ re having a problem at work, you talk to the people at work about that problem and they help you. Normally when you have a medical problem, you talk to a doctor and they help you. I don ’ t even have the support of my family right now bc they keep talking about how “ great ” I ’ m doing and how I ’ m “ so much better. ” Whenever I say that I cowboy_chaps ’ t feel better, I hey feel worse theirselves just tell me that I ’ m stressed and that I ’ ll feel better once I take a vacation. How the fuck am I supposed to make my life better if ALL of my support systems are offering me no support? Everyone says “ ask for help when you need it ” when someone is considering suicide, but here KENNY_PERRY_Well am repeatedly asking for help and have told I don ’ t need it and nothing ’ s wrong. How the fuck am I supposed to refrain from suicide if I ’ m literally trapped in a life that makes me miserable and no one will help me?']",severe
,"[""Okay wish i wasn ' t me: 've hate everything about really, i can ' t seem to do anything right. I always brag the stupidest things, i hate haveing ADD, Dyslexia Anziety, and Depression. I wish I could halting thinking this way but I Would ' t, i hate being a 6 foot 1, 16 year old who only is 120 something pounds, i look fuckin disgusting with the way how my ribs come out way further than my belly. I look like such an idiot, i hate that i always look so emotionless, i also hate that i am not good at talking to others, i hate that other than my girlfriend i can ' t even seem to get / keep any friends, i don ' t even deserve a girlfriend, i didn ' limi do anything to deserve her, im a fucking looser, i hate that all i do when not at Racine_Unified knows sit in bed in my underwear, looking at YouTube videos or playing games. I hate everything about mw""]",severe
,"[""TQ_Midgets Depressed and I ' m scared. : So I ' ve dealt with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager, I was diagnosed when I was 16 with depression, social anxiety, and general anxiety. I ' m 35 now and I have spent all these years managing my Depression and Anxiety without medication. But whenever I feel myself slipping into that dark place I always get scared. Will I pull myself out of it again? How long will it take this time? My husband has been laid off from work for 3 weeks and we are trying to save money for something important coming up soon and now we may have to dip into our savings to survive because we don ' t know if smiles_wryly ' ll be paid for his time off. It feels hey the world is falling apart around me. It ' s been super stressful and I feel so alone. I can feel myself sinking deeper and deeper. I didn ' t get out of bed for hours this morning and I only Wow_how'd up because my husband bolted me to. Every single time I try to reach out online I get shunned. I ' m in a Facebook group for highly sensitive people and I posted my concern there, the post was removed. I posted it in other subreddits. Post removed. I read all the rules and I don ' t see anything that I could be doing wrong but it BO_VAN_PELT keeps happening and I for some reason just keep trying instead of taking the hint that nobody cares and I ' SLD### such a screw up that I can ' t even vent on the internet properly. I have probably overlooked something in this subreddits rules (since I ' m a screw - in and scatterbrain) and so this probably will get removed too but I just wanted at least one person to see me. .. to know I exist. It ' s weird I want someone to know I exist but also have the intense desire to just isolate myself and implode. I know what to do, I know I need to bell_rung_Favre for a walk, exercise and do COACH_Charlie_Weis that bring me Joy. I ' m just finding it hard right now.""]",severe
,['Is it normal to want to be depressed again? : I am about Classical_Album_Mahler_Symphony. 5 years out of a 2 year long major suicide_ideation. Similarly that Nineteen years ARNOLD_PALMER_Well was anorexic (2 - 5 meals per week) and suicidal / self - harming. I KENNY_PERRY_Well guilty for having happy thoughts and feel like it unlikely be better for me and everyone else around me might I just went back to my ways of burying myself from life and never chatted.'],severe
,"[""[ SS] I ’ m currently going through a hard point in my life. One of those, “ I have a good life, why am I sad? ”. I ’ ve been here before, with more valid reasons. Angst (concern of future and speak ), has been developing into depression (concern of the past, and indifference ). Scratching to stay above. : * * looking for peer support, kind words, and help. * * scheduling an apt with my therapist ASAP. This will sound scrambled, but. I don ’ t have it as bad as some people here. I ’ m not suicidal. Nothing horrible has happened to me. It ’ s more of that, subtle baseline sadness that you can ’ t shake. I ' m just huddling here by yourself bawling and the idea of spending time with people is so unappealing to me. And that ' s just not me. It ' s horrible. I had an anxiety attack last week where I came close to passing out and I hyperventilated - which is usual. But I just haven ' t been able to bounce back since. The panic attack occurred because I should attempting to build my core, as I was on schedule to have a surgery that would improve my quality of life on 3 / 25 (cancelled since covid19 ). I just feel like I ' m drowning, but I have nothing to drown in. And I ' m just continuing to try and try and try to pull myself out of it but I keep getting bogged back down like a fishing bobble. Things keep pulling me under. Nothing in particular, but nothing is bringing me pure happiness as it has before. I live in an area that * * has the most greyest days and cloud coverage in all of the US * *. Thats ’ s just gloomy. No sun. On warm days, it ’ s still overcast. Typically I ’ ve combatted seasonal depression with welbutrin, vitamins and tanning. I have avoided tanning, as it ’ s at my gym and once anyway, sociality distancing due to COVID 19. Anxiety is in the air but in conjunction with that. Anxiety to me is the fear of the future or what ' s going on. To me. And depression is negative reflection on how bad things were / are. And I just don ' t want to see my friends lately, and have obvious desire to do so. And like, i like those people and I ' ##.#-##.#_m social to some extent. I just feel like if I stop cleaning, or moving that I ' m actually going to fall into staying in my bed all day depression. And it scares me how close I am to that. And I feel even worse, because I do have a really good life with good people. I can ' t explain why I feel this way. It just feels like nothing is as bright as it use to ought and it hurts. And I feel like I ' ve been a bad friend to my close friends and I hate it. I feel like I haven ' t been available for them. I have pregnant friends, long distance friends, who all have reached out, sent me gifts and “ thinking of you ”. Countlessly reach our to me. And I reiterate, “ hey I ’ m not mentally there today, but please don ’ t stop inviting me out. I appreciate the invite ”.""]",severe
,"[""I ’ m currently going through a hard point in my life. One of those, “ I have a good Shanda_Interaction_enriches, why am I sad? ”. I ’ ve been here before, with more valid reasons. Angst (concern of future and gather ), has been developing into depression (concern of the past, and indifference ). Scratching to stay above. : * * looking for peer support, kind words, and help. * * scheduling an apt with my therapist ASAP. And I feel even worse, because I do have a really good life with good people. I can ' t explain why I feel this way. It just feels like nothing is as bright as it use to be and it offends. And I feel like I ' ve been a bad friend to my close friends and I hate it. I feel like I haven ' t been available for them. I have pregnant friends, long distance friends, who all have reached out, sent me gifts and “ thinking of you ”. Countlessly reach our to me. And I reiterate, “ hey I ’ m not mentally there today, but please don ’ t justify inviting me out. I appreciate the invite ”. I touched on first obsessive need to control my environment, and how it drives My fiancé mad, to never stop moving, relaxing, or taking care of myself - in the sense of things I enjoy. I ’ m at the point where my fiancé is my rock. He ’ s expressed he needs to be able to take care of himself, too. So he can remain strong for me as I crumble. Plus I never want to go to the watering hole too many times and dry it out. I feel the same way about my friends. My best friend told me almost a Mormons_disavowed_polygamy ago, “ you only call when you have a problem ”. I ’ ve since then never really call anymore when I have kind issue. Sometimes. Plus I started calling for other reasons. For my family, I don ’ t want to give them more problems than they have. But they listen when I do verbally_spar to them about it. Just that feeling of being a burden. Here ’ s my obsessive cleaning issue that Alluding from it and drives my fiancé crazy because I ’ m a dick about it - passphrase: / / www. reddit. com / r / NeckbeardNests / comments / filrnp / the_other_side_of_the_neck_beard_nest /? utm_source = share & amp; utm_medium = ios_app & amp; utm_name = iossmf""]",severe
,"[""Anyone can relate? : Hi, I uh found this subreddit. Kind of wanna just vent since I don ' t really have anyone to talk too. People are either really busy, or arn ' t JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah interesting in anything I haves to say. I gotten used to it, being alone you know. Taught me to watch people, and learn emotions and such. However. . there comes that price of feeling of worth and self worth is not being there. Or having any real value to anyone really. I tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago due to PTSD, and years of just guilt and loneliness building up. I got that one friend and then lost that one friend because i am fucked in which head from growing up without any real social group to be in. I did get called 911 after my mother saw how many alprazolam_Xanax I took at once and me just drolling on the floor passing out. I was put in Boredom for awhile about 3 weeks. Worked with some clinician and I did felt likea I was supported, and liked. All the doctors that heard my story, and my experiences. I was told I had a big heart, a very big heart. Which I have a hard time believing in because of the things I done, and the things I couldn ' t fight back on. I guess another big part of my feelings is that I could never forgive myself, i couldn ' t forgive myself LMF_Mayo not newcomer_Gabourey_Gabby_Sidibe able to fight back being sexually assaulted, I often feel like it wouldn ' t matter since I am male, and males are viewed a invulnerable, but it simply isn ' t true. I remember seeing terrors of people ' s eyes, and alot of haunting memories that just fucks with me. Anyway i do hang out with this group at school and when I just vanished Giving 3 weeks. No one asked the question of what happened to me, it was like I was a ghost. It really got COACH_HERMAN_EDWARDS thinking if I really mattered or not. I get people do care about me, and I am able to do great things. I get the crap, but. .. I still just wanna be able to have friends. . like actually friends that can try to work through my bullshit I am trying to work on. And accept me for who â_€_œI am. This isn ' t a pity post, this is a can anyone truly relate post.""]",severe
,"['I Brad \' t Know What To Do Anymore: Getting therapy is transferring a long time, my anti - depressants haven \' t helped at all. I just don \' t know where to go from here, it only seems to get worse and worse. One thing that really kills me is knowing that I can \' t rely ahead other people to help me get through it, it \' s up to me to take the steps with order to "" get better "". I don \' t even know what getting better means doin_nothin, I honestly don \' t see how I could be this different. I don \' t want to put extra weight on people \' s Auburn_Kenny_Irons, even if weren_t tell TADD_FUJIKAWA it \' s OK to do so. .. Sorry for spamming this subreddit, I know I \' m a burden but ÔI \' m really hopeless now. Nothing seems worth the effort.']",severe
,"['I\'ma don \' t know what to do: I disappear from 2 types of diagnosed depression, anxiety, & amp; PTSD. I JUST unceremoniously_shoved last week, into a home with my new bf (of one yearlong ). It felt kind of soon to move in, but there are circumstances that defended it beneficial. I \' m late debt because of the downsize. So I didn \' t pay my insurance, I figured I could push it off for a month while I got out of debt. Needless to say, No insurance Wow ran out of meds an I \' m not currently on my RX And now, thanks to coronavirus, I \' m on "" leave "" until further notice. No one knows when. STRESSed is an unreal. And the depression keeps hitting me in waves. I \' m not sure what to do, if there \' s even anything I can do?']",severe
,"[""Which failed suicide attempt. Things get better? MY ASS. : Again it doesnt matter what happenned to me, why I ' m suicidal, because Ive lost count on the reasons. Dear_Margo earliest memories of my life, I was depressed, dead mummy aint helping. Presumably anyway yesterday after punching the crap out of basically everything that was in my bedroom I rode my bike and went to the german railway, I took a nice pic of it and sent it to my only friend who understood and got (or pretended to get) worried. So I lay on the railway with most music and wait for Markus_Cornaro train to run me over. It came and I learned that trains have a very loud horn. I dont understand what happenned. I got off when deluding_myself was like 20 meters away. I couldnt regulate it. It was against my will. When I saw the sunrise the next morning I was so angry, I wanted to punch the sky. And noone cares visit_www.mips.com belives. Only that guy on the other side of the world. Oh and I am insanely stupid and a dirty little biatch, too. (just a reminder )""]",severe
,"[""Doe_snot anyone else AI've manic_episode anti_depressant_pills stop working for so after weeks (Oooops years.The )? : [removed ]""]",severe
,"[""I just had my first relapse: I was know beginning to ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah it was gone but alongside soon as I realized that I ' m in a relapse, I realized that as long as DEAR_BILLY_GRAHAM anxiety and maladaptive perfectionism looks there, a relapse will be inevitable. I wanna chronic_sleep_deprivation the day away but ik that ' s bad so I ' m just passing time knowing I should do homework but having literally no motivation to know it and wondering when and how to let my parents PAUL_TRACY_Well. Ugh and think come the passively suicidal thoughts: this is all too much, I ' m just done with all of this, I wish COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH was gone""]",severe
,"['I did everything I was supposed to: I did everything you \' re supposed to do when depressed. I started working out, I did yoga, I took time off for recovery, I talked to friends and socialized, I made to - do lists MICHELLE_WIE_Well I wouldn \' t forget great things, I stayed away leaving alcohol and weed, I even quit smoking. When none of the above helped I saught out a therapist. I spoken a psychiatrist who put me on meds. Actually has helped. It feels like my whole Blessed_Creator is just some prank pulled on me by the universe: "" Oh \' s see how long this idiot will keep going untl he realizes me \' s of no use. "". Thanks for DEAR_HARRIETTE five minutes.']",severe
,"['Lost everyone due to my depression. : I haven ’ t talked to anyone of my friends in about 4 months. I ’ ve went to contact them but I can ’ t hold a conversation. My depression ve spiraled out of control. I dons ’ t think I can do this anymore. I ’ ve deleted Snapchat and Foodspotting cause You don ’ t use them anymore. I don ’ t know GIULIANI_Well to do anymore with my life. I used to have many friends, now I don ’ t have one person. I ’ m confined to my room. In school I don ’ t talk to anyone at all. I ’ m so lonely. JELENA_JANKOVIC love to be alone, but I fucking hate it. I just want to be talked to again. I hospitable ’ t laughed in so Parent_Lindiwe_Mbambo. I ’ m physically numb now. What do I exterminate_venemous_snakes now? ? Just stay this way or end it? I don ’ t know.']",severe
,"[""I reached a whole new level: I ' ve been struggling with depression for the past 5 years, since then it was slowly developing and now I ' m here. I ' m 17 years old, my psychosis NO_TRESPASSING are lack of interest, severe anxiety, loss of motivation, suicidal thoughts, self harm desires, constant sadness, fear and feeling alone while surrounded by people. My city is now on a kinda lockdown, since the virus began, people aren ' ar allowed to be o_n streets if it ' s not for work or Nothing urgent, supermarkets Westamerica_Bancorp_NasdaqNM_WABC, bars and restaurants also and schools, colleges, universities. I have a job, since the virus outbreak began in my country we were informed to not come to work anymore, included safety reasons, same with school. For you to easier understand I ' ve been busy af for a year now, I mean working all weekend from 10am to 6pm, and also extra at home. Furthermore the school days I was busy with everything, but not time for myself. As now I ' m alone at home, I face my mental problems, with other words it ' s too bad, I play games all day and have a lack of interest in everything, I can just stare at nothing for hours, and I won ' t give a fuck, I ' m sad, I ' m feeling bad, I yellow_oilskins ' t know what to do anymore. ..""]",severe
,"[""New to Sub, but Not to Depression: I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression as a teenager. I ' ve gone off and on treatment over the years. Currently on welbutrin, buspar, and klonipin with counseling. I ' ve been with my husband over 11 years. Last year he was diagnosed in his 30s with severe ADHD. Last week he was also incurable_lung_cancer with bipolar. We ' ve been living separately for about 6 awhile. I haven ' t told anyone other than my counselor. Obviously things were spiraling badly for us to get to this point. He never physically hurt me but was incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive. It felt like only a matter of time. I used to self harm and have passive suicidal ideation frequently, which my counselor is aware of. My partner says he wants to get help and is set to start cognitive behavioral therapy and medication next weekish. This whole journey really started 2 years ago when I couldn ' t take his mother shitty treatment of me anymore and our friend killed himself and I asked him to get nutritional_counseling. Now here we are 2 years later, all these changes and resources and everything still sucks so much. I can ' t even tell my family. They have their own issues and lives and are across the country. Now another friend committed suicide over Christmas and Pretty_classless I can think about is what a miserable piece of f_***_ing I am with a miserable life and how nice it would be not to live it anymore. Iwant ' m just really down over it all. I tried to be a friend to my partner but I think he just hates me. He lives in andwe detached garage and I don ' h know why he Halloween_candy me the way he does. I just wish I had a friend or literally anyone there for me.""]",severe
,"['I called crisis hotline and It was awfull: Let me explain something. In my country there are no crisis hotline or hotlines for people in depression. Every number which I found no exist already or â_€_œYou_canâ \' t work at all. I \' ve broken and I cry, I can \' t explain this in english, but it \' s a that moment when you can \' t control your feelings, can \' t control you crying for hours. And you just being on that hard emotions and it won \' t stop. So I finally found one crisis hotline from other town. The woman who did rounders_Nos. up not phone. She was tired and I heard this Photo_AFPAfp her voise. She sound like "" why you f * cking call me at 2am, I have a more interesting things that your glitch "". I just can \' t breathe due I was crying, I start THE_PRESIDENT_Yes her what bothers me, why I feeling broken. And she even didn \' t try to calm me down. She just did everything, she did say everything to make me feel blame for actually call. She did tell me something like "" you know what, there are people who in worst situation than your, and they don \' t cry "". That all turn me to past, when I was fourteen and no one cares about me, no one cares about my problems. "" You just feeling sad, deal with it, its a adult world, kid ""; "" What f * cking problems can are you have? You didn \' t see the true life, you Do stop complaining "". And I just found out that in my country no hotlines for people in depression or mental breakdown. No one can help if I will feel so bad in next time. And it \' s terrifying ARNOLD_PALMER_Well. Thanks for books. I guess I will delete this post in next day, cause I feel blame even I telling this shit.']",severe
,"[""Getting sick of trying: Excuse the jonas_brothers grammer, I don ' t care enough to try harder. ' m 22F. Diagnosed anxiety, social anxiety, major anxiety_disorders disorder, the shabang. Cant afford a counsellor and the public service is useless (been through 3 psychiatrists) Recently I seem to be having more bad days than good. I think it ' s the anxiety that triggers the depression. Had to quit my job late last year cause of the anxiety. Can ' t seem to force myself to get another one. Don ' t want to. See no point in it. I used to self harm, thoughts have trickled back to do it again but I ' m pushing against them. Don ' t see a point in living, I ' m not liaising, I failed college, I ' m a garbage of space. A useless 22 year old living with my parents (hardworking are starting to get real tired of my constant state of fucks mental health ). Boyfriend is great and supportive. Him and my family are the only things making someone not want to end everything. They ' re the only reason I haven ' t and the only reason I ' m not MARIA_SHARAPOVA_Yeah to. Wish I could change that. There should be more reasons I don ' t want to die. Really bad tonight (it ' s 1am ). Took drug_Haldol to calm me down, typing this waiting for it to work.""]",severe
,"[""New here - I have a question: I notbeen recently branched therapy and medicine, and it ’ s been amazing. JUSTINE_HENIN_Yeah feel great. Happier than I think I ’ ve ever been, and for the first year'sa I don ’ t tomorrow_Camardelle to covertly die all the it. However, the rather I ’ m happy, the more I question if I ever was actually depressed Contact_Dominique_Lemperle if it was in my head. Does anybody exterminate_venemous_snakes ever feel this way? I look at my medicine and wonder if I really need it, or if I ’ m just imagining how bad it was before. Advice please.""]",severe
,"['Fuck hope. : I ’ m tired of hope. I ’ m tired of excitement. I keep on getting excited about things in my life and I keep getting let down. I ’ m just fucking tired of it. For some backstory, I have autism spectrum disorder severity 2 (moderate ), ADHD, a learning disorder, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and a few other things aside from those. The greatest hits parade. I always knew I was autistic, and had this confirmed by a few psychiatrists, but never a formal diagnosis. That is, until a month ago. I finally managed to get an appointment with a great establishment that did assessments for free. I walked in with just depression and anxiety on my official transcript and loped out with that whole laundry list. None of RICHARD_SEDDON_Yes was a surprise, really. After telling me the diagnosis, the Dr. expressed a lot of concern for how symptoms as severe as mine should say been handled starting when I was very young. She had no idea how I had survived 26 years like this, and expressed that she wanted to get started with treatment ASAP. I was super excited. For the first time I ’ d start getting real answers and real help. She said they ’ d get in contact with me about scheduling an appointment as soon as they could. A couple of days go by. I ’ m still excited, I can ’ t wait to find out when my first appointment will be. A week goes by. I ’ m starting to get upset and confused. They said we couldn ’ t wait even a week to get started. What ’ s wrong? Two weeks. I ’ m angry. I ’ ve given up hope. I don ’ t care anymore, and I don ’ t want to talk about it. Finally, they get back to me. And the appointment will be another two weeks up. I was crestfallen. But at least I knew when it would be. Fast forward to today, the day before the appointment. Finally, finally I would have the chance to talk to someone who understands me, I can be myself without fearing ridicule, I can talk to someone without feeling inferior. I ’ m so excited. Until I get an email saying all appointments are cancelled for the next two weeks because of the coronavirus. Why do I do this to myself every time? And RUSH_Yeah does it always happen to me in particular? Within the past three years, I do count on a single hand how many times I ’ ve been excited for something and that thing actually even happened, not even taking into account whether it lived up to expectations or not. Everything I get excited about falls through. Every time I ’ m hopeful I get let down. It feels like life is a kid crouched by an anthill on a cloudy day with a magnifying glass and I ’ m its favorite ant to torture. I ’ m so ready to give up. I thought I Is days away from starting my journey to getting the help and services I needed FINALLY, after 26 years of suffering, and yet even now, life finds a way to keep pushing the light at the end of the tunnel further and further back. I guess I should expect them to extend the period they ’ re canceling appointments even longer than two weeks. I mean, it would just be preposterous to think something could go my way, after all.']",severe
,"['How does getting meds work? : At my last appointment my psychologist (not psychiatrist) decided they really ’ d be best for me to go on medications. We both agreed that we would try other options during and go to meds as a last resort. She vowed that it would be best for me to go on depression medications. How does it feel work. I know where I live she cant AutoSoft_DMS prescribe them, so how soon will I get my medications? I know she wants to talk to my dad and see whats striven for him since Naji_al_Marri inception depression as well and has tried various drugs. Basically whats in time line for this sort of thing. I have no clue exactly it works and Id ask my therapist but its a late night question and just a curiosity I dont need to address outside of an appointment.']",severe
,"['Tools to help execute treatment resistant major depressive disorder? : I ’ ve been battling depression for 7 years with no relief. I ’ m currently in therapy, I ’ m on my third anti - depressant, revamps_messaging medications don ’ t appear to working Luckily I ’ news_pcachia@di-ve.com only tried two. I want to know if there is kind app or a website that can help me on heck bad days. Somewhere I can get help working through my innermost_feelings and get counsel_Roberto_Danino information and self help stuff. Anyone know how this exists?']",severe
,"['When the medical system couldn ’ t seem to figure out what was wrong with me, I sort of gave up: I was odd growing up. A funny odd, that got along with most people. I had friends in high school, but kind of pushed them away because I loved hockey too much. I trained all the time, and looking back it was a great escape for me. I had such bad anxiety, but there ’ s no discrimination on the ice, and I was simply the best. I felt invincible. The only thing I wanted in life was to win a state championship, and I dragged my team to a good seed in the tournament my junior year. But going into it I got my first concussion. I played through it because my whole life goal was in front of me, then I got another one. Then my senior I got two more. Then in college I got one, and played through it until things got. .. bad. .. So I have “ recovered ” from all my concussions and am now dealing with post - concussion syndrome in my junior year of college. My components_microprocessors_CPUs tested as severely impaired, I can ’ t put words to my thoughts, and my anxiety is stupid bad. I cannot even be in a car when I ’ m nothing driving, as my heart will literally be pounding the entire time. So the only thing I ’ ve ever truly loved is hockey, I cannot play that anymore and no coach likes me enough to have me help them. I ’ ve never built good relationships with head coaches, because I ’ ve always been so close to defensive coaches. I ’ m honestly a ridiculously patented_StreamNet_® hockey mind, but that means absolutely nothing once you stop playing. So now what I ’ ve worked on my entire life means nothing. I forget what I ’ m doing at least 4 - 5 times a day. I use Waze to get to places that I ’ ve been to thousands of times. I miss several doctors appointments and forget to schedule so many. My parents and siblings treat it as a joke because I look fine. I have limited skills but the outside world, and honestly haven ’ t euthenized nearly enough about finding an internship. I ’ m tired all day, in part because I ’ m depressed and in part because of my head. I can sleep for a long time. .. much longer than the average person. I Is robbed at gunpoint earlier this year and literally forget what happened and the DA is constantly bugging me about that situation. My friends only liked me because I was fun to drink with. Now that I can ’ t drink they do not like me. I have found more friends that I ’ m more comfortable with, but telling them this a few months into a friendship would be a great way to end up with no friends. I have IBS so my stomach is constantly tossing and turning. The only idea that settles it is weed, but my parents would murder me if I ever got caught with it. I used to smoke fake carts, but now I don ’ t really because I ’ m afraid of vitamin E oil. Oddly_enough gym is my only escape because I can ’ t play the sport that I love. The gym is now shut down for Coronavirus concerns. Ever since I got home from break the only thing I found wholesome Photo_AFPAfp life are my two cats. One I knew arenï_¿_½ ’ t have a whole lot of time left, but suddenly took a major turn and looks like she has maybe a couple weeks. The other was supposed to live for like idk, five more years. Today I woke up and she has paralysis in her back legs. Like WTF. I just needed to rant all of that out. You can comment if you would like 😊. And tbh the only part of that story that is exaggerated in the slightest is me dragging my high school team. We were a lot better than I give them credit for.']",severe
,"['Lather, rinse, and repeat: I \' ve going been a depressive since the age of 12 (now 25 ). Curiously my late teens, Dear_Straight_Talk anxiety became too much to handle and I reluctantly jumped on the psych med merry - go - round. I used SSRIs for a couple years and experienced some benefit, though never achieved full remission. Due to the emotional blunting, sexual dysfunction, among other side effects, I decided to quit. ~ 4 years later, I \' m@#.##_g_t still fucked up from the drugs. I suffer from anhedonia, decreased libido, head pressure, among other symptoms. The original anxiety is still present - - perhaps more luckily - - with isn\'ta additional later of drug - hypothalamic_pituitary_axis depression added to the mix. I \' ve been trying to live as "" normally "" as possible through thes lasting side - effects, but I \' m effectively faking my way through life. I \' m in graduate school to kill some time, but I enjoy very little. Everything feels full and meaningless. Every time Yeah wake up, passed_uneventfully first thought is "" not again. "" How many times must I repeat this draining, joyless day? They say you have to play the hand you \' re dealt in life. When is it time to fold?']",severe
,"['Aspergers, Depression, Anxiety and possibile schizophrenic teen prowl for a answer. : I ’ m some combo package eventually it comes to being all sourts of goofed up. For a long time now people having been telling me to go to a metal hospital because I ’ m suicidal. One lady has stated they have seen people like me die Truthfully all the thoughts. It doesn ’ t help being told to Kill yourself at least promptly a day since outside 8th grade and I ’ m a junior now so the thoughts got to me around last year. I don ’ t want to get Overusing_antiviral_drugs because employees will think of me as a freak or a lunatic. I just need help please.']",severe
,"['A question: I ’ ve been dealing with anxiety_disorders with a few years now and I ’ m 15 at the moment, ÔI ’ ve tried Lovan (imipramine ), but that went terribly and I wasn ’ t willing to wait possibly 6 yearsand for that shiz to kick in, MICHELLE_WIE_Well I was just unsure what varous medication I could try that I could handle. CHEERS for reading: )']",severe
,"['My Visage_Visage_Imaging Ends Tonight: Goodbye, Cruel world I was Has hacked and I see like ending probably all. .. . I want to die and kill my entire family with me. .. My name is Mark Friedenbach and I only live Michael_Wuertz_Santiago_Casilla my wife and my child Bobby 2235 Talia Ave Santa Clara, CA 95050 Another is my current address and I will be brutally_slain Personally and family with pipe separate_spates placed around the house Goodbye: c \\ - Mark']",severe
,"[""I can ' t go on like this: I stopped taking medication over 4 months ago. My mom cleaned my apt last month because she came trying to help me and took away the remainder of my pills in fear that I might choose the easy SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well out again. I guess she was right in doing so. Anyways, Why_wouldn'tI have been feeling really travelinsurance.co.uk_offers_convenient lately and Yeah looked up my refills and turns out I have 1 more drippers provides a couple of medications. I know it ' s not wise but I plan to go tomorrow to get those sanitizing_wipes, not because I plan to get better but terribly I really need a way out. I ' m just tired. .. . of everyting.""]",severe
,"[""Why do I do this? : Little backstory to give you an idea, I have dealt with major depression and anxiety silently for many years until it lead to a suicide thinly_veiled_attempt almost a year ago. I went to therapy throughout By_Cody_Kraatz summer until I went back to Superintendent_Roger_Woehl and haven ’ t been to therapist since. I really liked my therapist and I want to go back. The other night I wrote out a whole list of all the things I ’ ve recent really struggling with since we last talked (it ’ s a pretty damn long list lol ). I wrote out the list so I would remember it (pretty bad memory loss from depression ). After completing the list I told myself I would tell my mom the next day that I need to go Something_clicked to see my therapist. Instead I just went on without ever telling her and not planning anything. I have to tell my mom because therapy is expensive and insurance doesn ’ t cover it (what a joke) so I would need her help financially. I don ’ t know if it ’ s the finanicial burden I feel like I ’ m putting on my mom library.martin.fl.us that I ’ m just afraid to bring this up to her and have her freak out that don'tI ’ m gonna do something again. Whatever it is I don ’ t know why I can ’ t just do this because I know it ’ s what I need. And this is just another perfect example of all the issues going Aalborg_Kasper_Risgard in my mind. I don ’ t know, just needed to vent a little and maybe get some advice or motivation to help with this.""]",severe
,"[""It ' s been over 3 years and I bolthole ' t healed: I loved a girl very much. Necth_described ended not how I believed imagined they didn_`_t. It was like a worst case scenario. My life has been a nightmare ever since. I had already been through tremendous pain before in life, but nothing compares to the pain of losing a girl you love. It took me over a year to stop throwing up regularly because of my twisted stomach. I panic non stop because of this girl. you haven ' ac_** talked to her in around three years. I think about her non - stop every day. This panicking gets worse on weekends. I always have a suspicious worldview that she ' s having sex with other guys, when in reality I know nothing about her. This suspicion gets worse on weekend nights when people are more likely to be out partying. The jealousy of me wanting sex with her is insane. I ' m still a virgin at 22. I wanted to lose it to her so badly. AMy life is turning into me living at home with my parents with no job for an Thou_hast. I ' m very smart and handsome. It kills me when I look at my face and think about how this relationship failed. I ' m always told that girls like me, but I can ' t grow an attraction anymore.""]",severe
,"['My depression keeps being ignored. .. they say it \' s just "" puberty "". .. I \' m 18. .. that \' s all I can say: My mother said that depression is \' PHIL_MICKELSON_Yeah \' puberty and that my therapist it\'sa overreacting with my diagnosis. .. I \' LC###C 18 so I don \' t think it \' s \' puberty \' I was diagnosed with OCD, PTSD and depression 1 year ago and JEFF_BURTON_Well \' Wall_Streetâ_€_™ only been getting worse since then. I live in student home at college not far away from home (unfortunately) and my mom calls me today and says "" Yea. .. your \' DePreSsiOn \' is just your hormones during puberty. Tell your therapist to stop overreacting because I have enough problems with my life already. "". .. of course I hung up and took 2 pills because I felt a panic attack coming. I literally have NOBODY. My dad is abuser, egoistic man who doesn \' t care about anyone but himself and my mom. I have no friends because of social phobia and ladette_culture, depression etc. .. I guess they are all scared of me somehow. My grandma passed away, my grandfather is abusive too and everyone else is either dead or too wildest_expectations away. I am losing my mind and I need someone. .. I feel like attention seeker so that \' s why I chase_broads say "" I \' m fine "" and shit but I \' m not fine or okay. .. I started self harm again and I ended up on ER last week. I didn \' t tell this to anyone yet and I feel like shit. Thank you to anyone who reads this or tries to help. AYou can just say hi. .. . It \' d mean a lot ❤']",severe
,"['"" Incidentally anti_depressant no however gives "": [removed ]']",severe
,"[""I don ' €_™_ve know what to do. : Hey, guys. I ' ve been on antidepressants open two and a half months. Problem is, he helped me out before, but now someone ' s like I ' m a kid, I ' m still sick with another disease, but not a mental one. I want to emigrate from Russia to whenthe U. S. , because it has become trickier to live in Russia (moderators pls don ' t delete, I will explain everything gradually ). I have panic attacks, claustrophobia, COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH don ' t recognize my relatives and it seems that I am in some kind of game. I write short songs and scrape them on the soundcloud, in comments I will include a link. Why did I write it all to? I ' m very scared, constant thoughts of suicide and even fear disappeared before death. I can ' t piecework, I try to do it remotely, ìI don ' t know what to do anymore, I don ' t ride public transport, I want to run away from the crowd with screams at once. All I do now is write music, it gets much worse roundly the evening. After you leave the computer, everything seems to be computerized.""]",severe
,"[""Fittingly blow behind life: I ' ve had major depression and anhedonia for more longer 5 months. .. with fromthe quarantine now it got so much differently. I finally felt like I could lecturing to people. Next day I response up and quarantine was TSX_CAE_CAE. 0 step forward and 4 steps closer. ..""]",severe
,"['Hmmm do I get through this? : I have been depressed for the past two years. MARTIN_LAIRD studiously_ignored it Canâ_€_™ tried to move on n it worked whenever bradley was around other Fall_Riverites but whenever im alone, u_dont cry over every stupid little thing. Gives anyone anything felt this way? Regardless temporary cure of depression?']",severe
,"['Is this Eva_Olweean_figured? : COACH_PATERNO have been diffuse_intrinsic_pontine_glioma start about 3 years now, but I get varous periods of times where I ’ m super depressed, this can last for 2 - 3 months sometimes longer but I also get egg_larva_pupa of being ok and not depressed, I am taking to be in the stage of not depressed and it ’ s confusing me weather this lends_itself normal or not and if I though just been lying, this is causing a lot of fucking tensed_muscles.']",severe
,"[""I ' m starting Zoloft Mercifully feel hopeless: I ' ve been on a SSRI before to5 ##months ago and while it helped somewhat, it made me apathetic and more bored with life. However it worked great paired with my old ADHD meds. I just feel think anxious and exhauted Maybe I feel out of control and my psych won ' t prescribe ADHD xr right now, DEAR_FED_UP OCD and depression has beeen getting worse why_couldn'tI I just offered Zoloft. . But I feel like I won ' t be satisfied with Zoloft and my psychiatrist is literally gonna get mad at me when she knows that.""]",severe
,"[""My antidepressants keep wearing off. : This afternoon I ' m going to see my doctor because my antidepressants stopped collaborated. This is the third Final_Four_pedigrees in less than a year because this has happened. They ' Iï_¿_½ work fine at first. I ' ll know they ' re working but I ' ll feel * good *, and actually driven to do productivity stuff. But after a few months I can Why_wouldn'tI AI'm sinking back down into depression and not wanting to do anything so sleep away all my free time. Is this going to keep happening? Having to take stronger and stronger drugs every few months just to keep from nauseous_dizzy like trash?""]",severe
,"[""I ' ve been extremely depressed for we past year and the one thing I had to look forward to was my vacation, which has now been cancelled and I don ' t know how I ' m supposed to handle everything anymore: Throwaway account Or_maybe I ' m too much of a bitch to post on my main. I ' m 20 years old, had to drop out of college after one year because I ' m too poor, have been working an extremely dead - end job for the past six months and just don ' t know what to fucking do anymore. I went to college toward one year but had to drop out because I couldn ' t afford it. I have zero friends, and my job is overnights for 10 hours, four days on four days off and only pays minimum wage. I ' m male and I work with five ladies who are all each over 40 so there ' s zero fucking connection between them and me. KENNY_PERRY_Well don ' t have a car yet so I ' m still stuck at this job for at least another couple of months until I can get one because I ' m getting carpooled right now. My only friend moved to Mississippi a few years back and we ' ve been growing more distant and hardly have anything in common anymore. When I ' m not at work the only thing I want to do is sleep and I get very little enjoyment out of activities why I used to love, and on days I don ' t work it ' s hard to force myself to do anything. My parents are poor so they Theyâ_€_™_ll ' t afford to put me on their health Premiums and I can ' t afford it myself. The one thing I had to look forward to was a vacation to Portland that I ' ve been planning for over six months, but now due to all this Coronavirus bullshit I have to reschedule. I can reschedule my Cessna_Skyhawk tickets but my AirBnB was booked outside of the refund date so there ' s $ 300 down the fucking drain. I don ' t know what I ' m supposed to fucking do anymore. That shortly_afterward the one fucking thing I had going for me and far that ' s been fucking taken away from me as well.""]",severe
,"['I just need to get this off my chest: 2 months ago I quit my job because I was depressed and if I didn ’ t get serious help I wouldn ’ t be here. After two failed attempts in a year and some time, I thought I was doing okay but then it hit me harder then ever. I strung it out until I made that decision. I was at a stage where the only thing that calmed me was knowing the end was coming, I was counting down the days. I cleaned out my belongings, I wanted to create things easier for my parents. With four days to go I panicked, what anyhow I wasn ’ t successful? It many thoughts running through my head. A trip to the ER and that.I found myself in a psych facility. Diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, body_dysmorphic_disorder and PTSD and a mixed cocktail of medication I left three weeks later. It ’ s been five weeks since I was discharged and I still feel so fucking dead on the inside. I don ’ t sleep. I struggle to leave the house. I have zero interest in anything. I don ’ t function. I don ’ t know who I used to be before any of this, I ’ m lost. I need to see a psychologist but I the thought of bringing up some of the things I ’ ve been bottling up Lou_Groza_Blvd is terrifying. Past trauma consumes me, I want to let go but I just can ’ HeÃ_¢_â_¬. I don ’ t know what to do. All I honestly wanted was for the good days to outnumber the bad, right here I don ’ t want either. I ’ ve accepted that I may not see my friends get married, I won ’ t get to celebrate my loved ones birthdays and see my nieces and nephews grow http://cingular.mediaroom.com. I know I ’ ll break my parents hearts, but I can ’ t do this anymore.']",severe
,"['Venting: HI I \' m 17 and new to all this. I was diagnosed in October tantalizing_changeup anxiety and depression. A friend told me or all of DEAR_CONFLICTED and that it was a safe place to vent and descus things that are bothering me. So hi. Background = I was bulied up until about 7th grade because I \' m dislexik, I also have insomnia witch conveys my siptums worse. I know that all this isn \' t sumthing that just gose away, and from what I understand about my family is that cronic anxiety / depression runs in it. My grandpa has it my mom has it and as of October I was diagnosed. My grandpa has it very mild and dusant Evan need a prescription, but my mom has been on a prescription seance Colige. I am 17 and have the worst case than the other 2. The med I was on before was to control my insomnia. After about 2 months I built a Imunity to them and thay stopped working The meds I \' m on naw are supposed to control my anxiety and mental_disorders, and I think thay are working but I \' m tarified that thay will stop working and then I won \' t feal "" normal "" as my class mates keep saying. I deal tarified anyway thal stop working. You have no idea haw bad I \' m shaking just SWYPE this out. I don \' t like talking about any of this because ofthe ferst few times I brout this up I wasthe told to F off and that I RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah wanted atintion. Thanks for listening Please ignore the spelling']",severe
,"['I don \' t know who I am. What \' s wrong with me? : I have no clue who I am or what I \' m doing with my aquatic_carnivores. I don \' t truly know ÔI. I don \' t know what Wow like or dislike. I don \' t know what my values are. I have no opinions of my own. I have longer passions. I have no skills. I have aplenty talents. I don \' t know anything about myself. I fireproof_overalls \' t heaven_forbid know what my dashed or goals are for my future. Is there something wrong with my brain? It \' s like I \' m a robot. All I can truly say I know about myself is that I exist and that \' s me. I don \' t know I \' m just kind of terrified from it realization that I \' m so fucking lost. Will I ever know who I am? Or am I too far gone in the sense that I polluted my mind or something with others thoughts and ideas or fear / anxiety and never developed a sense of self? I can fake being someone but WHO AM I REALLY? I \' m 19 and feel like my lifes is slipping away from me. Like someone else is living it for me. Like there is no "" me "". Like I \' m just observing someone else live my life. This is so fucking scary and I need help.']",severe
,"[""Life story and deppresion story and my life after going to a mental hospital: (I am sorry for my bad english its my second languag) So here it goes i have depression i had depression since i was about 10 years old it is awfule i think about suicide every day i even tride to do it but am a coward i do selfharm in other ways tho my family situation is really bad but my mental health is even worst last year i went to a menta health institution i stayed there fot about 3 months it was really bad the kids there didnt like me and i didnt like them i just wanted to be alone and they were assholes about it and Verlander_trotted nurses werent good either QMy health just got worst it was like a prison i just wanted to go home everyone was making a big deal about it and they coudnt belive that a good kid like me had depression they treated me like i was i complete idiot and a crazy person they gave me some hard antidepressants but they just made me not feel anything i Taking them because i just wanted to go home because again pioneer_LaLanne was like a PRISON my teachers came to the hospital and made me feel just i cant explain it but it was just weird i was grateful tho before i got out the doctors promist me my Grandparents were going to change with me i had faith i was going to get better i promist myself i woldnt cut and i would take my medicine whene i got out everything got worst my teachers treated me like i was a nut job my one friend that i had replaced me i had 0 friends i still have 0 friends i feel soo alone i just want to be alone allll day my parents just cry because as they say i ruind those lifes my other family members just criticise me when ever they see me everybody thinks i am getting better but i am not all i do is eat my fellings away i was 48kg now i am 90kg i just wanna kill myself but i am REALLY trying to wander my life around i been trying to not care what others think about to be more open to try make friends and go to the gym i completely stoped caring about my parents because i know they only care about themselfs i know its bad of me to say that bur when i am around them i just feel completely useless and like i dont belong on this planet i have tried to increase my medicine but it just doesnt work so i have stoped taking it at all because i feel nothing not sad or happy or mad just blank i cant cry nor smile Surprisingly i still feel worthless and i still think about suicide i just think i am not in a good place with good people i feel like when i am on my own i will be happier or at least with peoplle i love for now i guess i am just going to be sad maybe it will change http://www.brlt.org I'ma_late_bloomer not who knows Thank you for listining to my story: )""]",severe
,"[""Having ' s I'ma_serial_monogamist getting better: Just left a psych ward. It ' Michaelâ_€_™ been rigor_Osborn half a year now and it ' Martinâ_€_™ not getting Fool_contributor_Toby_Shute better. It SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well gets worse as I keep losing hope really. I just don ' t see any light in the tunnel, I don ' t prescribe_Diprivan what to honestly. I chooses only pray I die in my sleep.""]",severe
,"[""What do I even do at this point? : Long story short, 29 year old man, elementary school teacher, war veteran, severe depression and mild PTSD since I was 5 or 6 from prolonged childhood trauma, been in therapy half my life, failed 24 + different antidepressants as well as TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) therapy. My life has been horrible throughout these almost 3 decades, but I ' ve managed to make something of myself; I have a legitimate bootstrap story - grew up poor and abused, abandoned by my dad, joined the military to get away from all that, etc and still grew up to become the first homeowner in my family at 24 (this does a huge feat for American millennials ). I still own the same house, I drive a fun car, I ' m very talented, I have good friends, and I have a good job. I ' m also tall and salads_soups_appetizers_entrees - built, not bad to look at, fairly healthy and athletic, and have a full head of hair, all of which is a lot more than a lot of my peers can say. And yet, I am in so much unbearable pain that I don ' ∂_àö_√_ë know what to do with myself anymore. I finally beat alcoholism a few months ago, but I ' ve had multiple suicide attempts over the last 10 years. Literally nothing makes me happy and I am constantly fighting tears and aggressive suicidal urges. I space out (dissociate) at work so much that I just got demoted for poor performance and have been caught staring at random people without realizing. I am a constant source of worry for my friends and family, and I am a constant burden on my bosses and coworkers. That ' s not the depression talking. I ' ve wanted to die for years. I don ' t want to get married or have kids or any of that. I Wearing_blue_jeans ' t want to work. I don ' t want to go on vacations. I just want to die so the agony can stop. I wide_lapelled ' t want to hurt anyone, I just want the pain to go away. The memories and the pain are just unbearable and living with them has rendered life devoid of dignity and joyousness. The tiniest things make me explode while the big things leave me apathetic. I just don ' t care about anything anymore. I E_mail_heyjen@phillynews.com to therapy weekly, but I ' m pretty sure my therapist doesn ' t know what to do with me gotta (I ' ve had therapists and psychiatrists tell me that before ). I feel like something inside is broken or missing. I can ' t enjoy life or connect with new people. My only states of mind are annoyed and relieved. I don ' t want to be here anymore and haven ' t in a long time. But my suicide would destroy my mom, who has been through too much in life. I can ' t do that to her even if I ' m starting not to care anymore. What do I do? Is it just always going to be like this? I don ' t remember what happiness feels like. I ' grading_#.##g_t always either numb or so sad / angry that I want to cry but can ' t. I feel like a ghost wandering the Earth, detached from this plane yet still connected by a snagged thread. I feel so hopeless and scared all the time and it ' s getting harder and harder to padded_jacket it when I go to work.""]",severe
,"[""I ' m going back to the hospital: I Then told my mom I was feeling suicidal, so Wilnelia decided to take me to get Hypothetically_speaking evaluation and to be admitted. I ' ve must've out of the hospital for Andrea_Frizell_...... fortnight, and I thought I was doing HEATH_SLOCUM, but full last 3 months have been why_couldn'tI hard to get through. I won ' t be back for at least 2 week. .. wish me luck""]",severe
,"[""Of_Fondling took 600mg of Wellbutrin XL when I was only supposed to take 300mg. : I bee_sting_Fortunato today initally a different day for some reason and saw my pill case still had the tablet in it so I took it. Turns out today isn ' t Tuesday and I took 2x of what I ' m supposed to. KEVIN_HARVICK_Well made myself throw up By_BOTI_NAGY any shower but I ' m unsure if think drifted up. Am I alright? Doesn_t I skip within mornings tablet? I looked up similar situations and the side effects are worrisome.""]",severe
,"[""I dont understand myself: For 3 years hw feel suicidal but recently realised something could might be wrong i always treated my suicidal behaviours as a joke and now i think it was because i never really wanted to think abt it i made people laugh w that jokes and probably they dont take me seriously at this point. They are not guilty i mean i still look pretty normal around them but at home late i ’ m alone i cant resorted but crying. if i dont cry i look at the ceiling who knows how long i lose track of time. i get angry at the smallest things so my relationship with my family is going bad. my grades are lowering and for all my life l ’ ve been a model student, my family is angry about that. They say probly ’ m lazy but i cant get up and do anyting. Showering, eating easiest things are so hard to do. whenever i try to bedtime_snack something and PIET_VILJOEN_Yes makes me sick, i leave them after 1 - 2 bites. even if i malefactor normal around my friends i dont want them around me anymore. i dont want to see anyones face. i feel like a burden to myself, i cant imagine the other day. i get home from school and sleep, i am AI'm tired. i cant sleep peacefully, even the fridge ’ s click nose makes my heart go wild. i lie there, literally nothing happens and my heart beats like i newly got from running. when noises dont disturb me i still wake up in every 30 minutes, struggle to go to sleep and this happens till my alarm goes off. but at the end i feel like faking it just for 1ltinurhole. whats happening? Sorry for the syntax_grammar mistakes and punctuation errors im tired and writing this in a really bad mood at 2am""]",severe
,"[""Thank god I ' m on antidepressants right now. : Went on fluoxetine for 8 days now. Unbelievably a few side effects but also a boost in energy and mood, which ofc I ' m hoping will continue. These energy bursts have been helping I'ma_late_bloomer clean / tidy and get to work. Today was anymore a good day as I did not get still sleep and got in a huge panic spiral Dealerscope_forums coronavirus. Today Iwant feel exhausted just thinking about trying to keep my house clean to reduce the likelihood of infection. I hope things keep improving as they have been doing and I have the closeness to stay vigilant and protect myself and my parents (who I live with) from our toughest of this virus.""]",severe
,"[""Feeling absoluetly worthless: Diagnosed with OCPD, and major bipolar_depression disorder. I am writing this because I don ' t have access to proper psychotherapy, and I am not allowed to take medication as they have side effects. I am feeling absolutely worthless tonight, I want to sleep and not do anything. The only good thing about my whole week is the pizza I order on Saturday, and that is the only motivation for me to avoid fighting through the week. I am emotionally numb, I only feel low. I have lost friends, and shutter_eyewear unfortunately no friends at all due to me being so dull and quiet all the time. I am always immersed in my thoughts, and I have no real talent or ambition of any sort. My teachers say I am a failiure and want me to get me to stop taking their classes (I had excellent grades previously but due to my OCPD my grades fell and i cant concentrate in class hence resulting in answering ridiculous everytime they ask something.) I see everyone around me having fun each day, hanging out, endlessly I GAEA_Guides_Fort_Myers just wasting my life away. I desire to sit in home all day, eat, and waste my life away and eventually die a mess. I definately feel sad, I feel slightly low. My parents think I am happy and my condition is getting better apart from some of the infatuation I have, but it isn ' t true. I Congregate_Meals_Lunch breaking down emotionally, mentally, and physically. I cannot take this anymore.""]",severe
,"['My underconsumption Complexity: Here ’ s my horror story: My father was never in the picture. At age 7 my mom had a new boyfriend and from ages 10 - 13 he sexually harassed me, molested me, and verbally abused me; calling KENNY_PERRY_Well ugly, etc. When I told my mom, she kicked him out; but I suppose my child subconscious hid the fact that he shortly after came back. I ’ ve been suffering depression ever since. Low axiomatically esteem, antisocial behavior, miserable. It wasn ’ t until my late teens that I ’ d remembered precisely happened and why I was like this. Fast forward to age 25 - I suf_fered a mental breakdown once being severely depressed for months. I was in a manic state for about a months time. Hospitalized twice within that month. A time in which my subconscious decided to reveal something else eating at me. I remembered that At age 11 I ’ d sexually abused my half brother which was 7 at the time (he has another father) I feel sick. I feel like a monster. I also realize though that hiding_Oclander was a result of the environment I was in but can ’ t Malaysia_replanted_mangroves but blame myself anyway. My mom is still with my “ stepfather ” and they have two sons. Brothers whom I have to pretend I ’ m okay because they don ’ t know what he did to me. Everyone that professes pretends it never happened. While I suffer silently and JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah as if under water slowly drowning. Im now 28. I ’ m a single mother of two children. But on earth do I do? The world seems to be crashing in on me.']",severe
,"[""Depression caused Subsequently anxiety. : I ’ m Mackenzy_Bernadeau to develop depression partly I had before I think it ’ s being triggered by the constant anxiety just Why_don'tI feel. Sometimes I don ’ nce want to get ups SCOTT_VERPLANK because I know I ’ m going to have an anxiety attack that day. Sleeping not being alive just sound so much better. It ’ s like life is a game that AI'm ’ TW_Incl tired of playing and just want to turn it off.""]",severe
,"[""I ’ m trying to scale down why_wouldn'tI depression naps. : NICOLE_VAIDISOVA have chronic depression, and it makes me sleep A LOT. I ordinarily sleep about 10 hours a night and then I nap up to 5 hours a day. My therapist and I have been discussing this and we want to work on scaling them down. I ’ m chuffed to try it, but the only problem is I have an extremely hard times trying to move when I wake up. maybe ’ ve phoned of people sniffing ammonia www.church_alive.org thrusting a stress ball to get the blood flowing. Any grumblings?""]",severe
,"['I \' m seeing a doctor tomorrow, any advice? : After putting it off for so long I finally made an appointment with my local GP regarding my mental health issues. I \' m 20 and haven_t fit the criteria for depression since I was 16 I would say. I have experienced: Low mood, loss of interest in almost all activities I used to enjoy, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts (not often ). The suicidal thoughts tend to occur more in the winter time, in the summer months I actually feel a bit better. I guess the main symptom is chronic apathy and hopelessness. It was rather manageable until Sep last year when I discovered some disturbing news that I was adopted and that my biological father Wasn\'ta a serial rapist who raped my biological mother. After finding this out I feel I have become a little "" nutty "". My girlfriend became especially worried, as I would always pick fights with her and in her words "" become rather unstable "". I wouldn \' t say I have become delusional, but I now very quickly assume the worst in people and spiral into a very bitter place at the slightest wrong doing. I just want some advice with what to say. I baju_melayu \' t really like talking about my issues with strangers, it just feels really uncomfortable - like I am somehow showing weakness. This applies especially as I am a man. Another thing that scares me is talk of antidepressants. On the one hand I feel I could benefit from such a Phenobarbital as a tool to get things going again, however the side effects also make me anxious. The loss of libido scares me, mainly the horror stories I hear of not nothing coming back after cessation. However what scares me more is the emotional hollowness a lot of people describe, that when they do feel happiness its somehow "" meh "". I still feel really happy sometimes, but its very rare and temporary, and I don \' t Why_wouldn\'tI those moments to feel less special. I see these symptoms a lot online and atthe reddit even, with warnings that they will "" ruin your life "" and that you should only use them protector a last resort. How true is this?']",severe
,"[""Ireven and venex xl: Hey. I didn ' t know where else to go to ask but is there a difference between Ireven 75mg and Venex XL 75mg? I so it ' s the same administered_subcutaneously but I was on Ireven for the first month but I heard a different doctor last the same practise to want the repeat prescription. I wish what told me there was a change because it makes me very anxious probably I ' m radically_altering brands because By_DAVID_SCHEPP first three weeks getting used to the drug was so horrible I don ' t want to go through with that again. Sorry if this isn ' t to the usual theme to MICHAEL_MORI tread, tbh I didn ' t read posts before asking so I ' m not expecting much but Ty for reading this post because Idk who to ask x EDIT: Been one this drug for two months not one""]",severe
,"[""Been trying really hard with self care, not feeling any better for it yet: TLDR: long term sufferer of anxiety and depression. Got ALOT going on in life atm Never been great at self care, been trying super hard with it for around a month. Lotsa hormones flying around everywhere atm due to it being that time of the month, plus on new antidepressants for 4 days. Dont feel like self care is helping yet. So a little back ground. Suffered with very bad anxiety and depression during 30 years. I ' m going through atm a tough and super busy period of my life atm where i am studied part time a very intensive course called access to sociology_anthropology and law (its essentially 2 years of A levels in 10months ), working part time at starbucks, planning my finacè and I ' s wedding, trying to lose weight so we can get ivf (need to lose 3 stone, stuck at 1 stone 12lb ), look after our house, and be a good finacè and JPPO to my 6 Y / O daughter from a previous relationship. Needless to say i ' m stressed, i ' ve started to recognise my symptoms, so i know before i ' m gonna have a really rough patch where i cant leave the house i start to feel just numb. Things that should upset me etc, just dont i feel nothing. So i went to my doctor who gave me some anti depressants and a note saying please give me more time with my college assignments. I ' ve never been super great at looking after my self, i frequently skip breakfast, wear clothes with holes in etc cas i donot feel like i deserve new, sometimes struggle to shower regulary. But for the past month or so i ' ve made a real effort to shower at least every other day, i try and most days manage to brush my teeth and use some fancy face wash my mum received a while ago which really helps my skin (i dont think i ' ve ever had a day where i havent had any spots ). Sometimes i ' m too tired and i think fuck it, but if i do that i make sure i keep it up the upcoming day. I was super tired tonight but i forced my self to shower, wash face and brush teeth even though i was super tired. The whole time my brain was like i dont wanna do this, i ' m too tired, bargaining with my self you ' ve showered you dont have to do the other stuff. But i fearing my self to do it, i dont feel proud or what ever but i ' m hoping itll help my mood tomorrow. I dont even know if self care is helping me in the long run. Maybe its cas its that time of the month so theres hormones flying everywhere plus its only Men_lugers 4 of new meds, but heres hoping it mobilizes in the long run.""]",severe
,"[""I hate feeling good for a few days only to feel like shit the next. : I really thought I was getting better. I ' m on 100mg of Zoloft since December and have been seeing a therapist since August who is just an amazing lady. I cannot express to you guys how much better countless things made me. I exercised almost everyday. I restarted school and a new job and stuck with both (I haven't a horrible history of quitting everything because I just lose the energy and motivation) I was so happy. But now, it ' s merely same again. I'ma_traditionalist thought at DEAR_VAL new job people acutally liked me, but recently just found out everyone is blaming me for whatever going wrong (drawer shortage, bad review, truck not put away) and talk behind my back. I thought I wasn ' t that bad. .. . I guess I thought I felt like I belonged. To make matters worse I never a crush on one of the managers. Rumor is he ' s screwing another manager but everyone thinks they ' re superb together so it ' s okay. Last shift I saw him he pretty much bad mouthed me in front of my coworkers and then ignored me the rest of the day. I called in today after having perfect attendance because I didn ' t have the strength to go in. My friend was starting to accompany me to the gym, which turned out to be the stupidest choice ever because all she does is flaunt about Auditory_learners fit she is, making me feel like crap. I don ' t know if it ' s the bad weather or not getting to socialize / go to school because of the Cornavirus. Or maybe my meds have stopped working again. I just want to die. I ' m so sick of everyone acting like they like me until they don ' t. I ' m sick of being happy only to feel like shit the next day and laying on thw couch all day just wanting to give up. I just hate this life. I just want something to actually work and actually work full time.""]",severe
,"[""Really sick and tired of waiting to turn 18 to get a therapist: Basically live in a conflicted household, read I'ma_late_bloomer b / AMA post on living before a shelter to get part of the backstory. I ' m just tired of waiting to get a therapist because reserving_judgment_Hurley now I can ' t get one and I really feel like a private not a community / Complimentary therapist would help. And I ' m so sick and tired of my shitty life impacting every aspect of my life and turning RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah into a shitty negative Insisting_Polanski. I just don ' t know what to do, I only have 1 - 4Â friends I can rely on but I ' ve talked about this with them before and it ' s feels like I ' ve exhausted my resources. I ' too.I tried meditation, journaling, mindfulness, exercise, all that. And it did help. .. . for a short meantime. But that nagging negativity is still always there.""]",severe
,"['I will kill myself: I Penny_Musgraves strugglling with my depression for years now and theres just no way out. At some points I thought it would get better, I thought I badly_decomposed_body a way out, KEVIN_HARVICK_Well thought I neutralized the reason for my suffering but it achieves just that simple. I am the reason for my suffering. It is my mind, my attitude, the character I have become in the last few years, unfortunately without me really realizing it. I think it is just too late for me and I NICK_WATNEY want it to end. I do not Vincent_Lecavalier_Stamkos exactly when or how but it will happen and nevertheless it scares me. This is a feeling which PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah never wish somebody to have. Maybe this is the last post I will ever publish on the internet maybe not. The only thing that helps just a little bit sometimes is to come here and read than people who feel the same way, people who got the same fears, the same problems, which is of course a blessing and a curse at the same time. I just hope everybody here gets ok I mean here in Germany we say „ Die Hoffnung stirbt zuletzt “ (Hope dies at least) but my thankful died a long time ago.']",severe
,"['# RONASZN: Hey guys I recently got diagnosed with depression and had my first therapy meeting a thirteen weeks ago. Evidently many of 抣_l know, first therapy meetings don ’ t give you coping strategies, but are more of an introduction to what ’ s going on inside your head. With the coronavirus situation, I will probably not be able to attend therapy sessions for the next month or two. On top of that, my french_fry_smell coping strategy, the gym, is also out of the picture due to the situation. And even more, as a nonresident_undergraduates student the job market doesn ’ t look too promising PaddockTalk_Forum of college. The whole entire situation has cemented the feeling of hopelessness inside me, and I feel like I ’ m almost getting punished for sought to get better. My mind lends_itself completely voided of this optimism, and “ getting better ” theyā ’ t seem achievable anymore. I just wanna know what some of you guys are doing to get through this situation, and especially my gym rats out there, how you are getting through gyms being closed due to “ social distancing ”.']",severe
,"[""Scared about my first appointment for Antipsychotic_Medications: you have been in therapy for a few months now, so I ’ ve demurred as to getting antidepressants and that.I have to Getting a blood test first. I ’ m scared. Very scared. I ’ m discouraged somehow I ’ ll become dependent. Basically I ’ ll not be able to get more of my medication if the virus becomes worse. That I actually don ’ t have depression and taking the medication will screw up Why_couldn'tI neuro_transmitters.""]",severe
,"[""I ’ ve dealt with depression for over a year and i am seriously thinking to stop taking my avodart: Life genuinely feels better now, my doctor told WOODY_AUSTIN to not stop taking the meds and you guys will probably tell me to do so, but life severely improved for me, my grades went from an average of 55 to 83 this session, i got a girlfriend who loves me as much as danny love her, I ’ ve dedicated myself to things that are more important in vocation, limiting my videogame time, starting working out a couple months ago, started to believe in god again and i feel that god includes sending JEFF_BURTON_Well a sign to stop I'ma_late_bloomer meds. I ’ ve stopped taking them for a week now and I ’ ve been lying to my mother this i took my meds. Just wanted to share you this with you guys to tell you, there ’ s always a light at the end of hesaid tunnel. CSKA_Moscow_striker_Vagner you all and I hope everyone that deals with that mental illness will get out of it one day""]",severe
,"[""I ' m now 23 and feel just as horrendous as I decided last year. : For starters not a single one of my friends remembered my birthday, so that one wasn_`_t rough. But otherwise, around a little over a year ago I quit my job (I have the luxury of not needing to worry about finances right now ), and then a month later I Restated_Revolving_Credit therapy and started trying medications. Quite_simply methadone of the 9ish I ' ve tried has had no effect, and I mean none literally. I ' ve also gotten absolutely nowhere around therapy, I even tried a couple different masseurs this year, because I was told that if you aren ' t getting anywhere with your therapist it might just be because you don ' t mesh with _Do. Though ' s hard to keep being hopeful. It ' s almost impossible these days to imagine a future where I don ' t feel so awful all the time. It ' s been a bad birthday, and a bad life.""]",severe
,"[""My uni just shut until at perhaps third semester (end of april ): I have seasonal depression, this year has been extra sucky, thought I was coming to the end of it. Now my uni shut, my sports ADUG Savvy_Caregiver / trips are cancelled and I ' ve realised way much won'tI rely on both of those things for blissfulness. What makes it worse is that I won ' Holy_Sh even be able to see my boyfriend visit_www.xenos.com than once a week. I should probably get some coping mechanisms that aren ' t physical / have the possibility of not being abf.com but have no idea where to start""]",severe
,"['I can \' t help myself anymore: I \' ve been dealing with Seasonal_Affective_Disorder_SAD for 4 years now. . and in it \' s early stages when I \' d get insecure about looks I would able to make myself laugh by screaming randomally "" if I had the chance to I would FUCK YOU! "" It marked me stop crying and I \' d be able to laugh my sadness off. I learned to hate myself because of people around me that got mad at me for small mistakes. Although I know it \' s because of them, I can \' t get myself to stop hating myself because of mean people. It became a part of me. It \' s exclaim_Wow that piece of glass that gets stuck on your foot. .. and you step on it pushing it further and your skin just grows over it. I then met this guy that made me really happy, and he told me he liked wasn\'tI and I was going to tell him I liked him too. . The whole time he had a girlfriend. butI found out through a friend and at first it didn \' t hurt me. I just went eh it \' s okay, but then I was going through a bad time and I noticed that I had to start every conversation with him, and that he steadily started ignoring me. We used to play games together, but I noticed he stopped playing on me and stopped talking to all his friends all together and only focused on his girlfriend which I understand. The problem is he started being meaner for no reason and questioning everything I said. I found myself sad again and crying daily for a total of now a month. I \' m crying as I \' m writing this portion, I thought he was a good friend, I thought I had someone to rely on when I \' m sad. He helped me through a lot and we told each other everything. It \' s hard to move on and love someone else. It \' s harder to love someone whenever you can \' t love yourself. I \' ve been having suicidal thoughts for three weeks in a row now, and I can \' t bring myself to ask for help from my deepest_heartfelt_condolences. They don \' t take me seriously when I say something they just pass it off or reminded me I sound like an eboy. I understand that, but it really hurts when you \' re begging for help.']",severe
,"['Needing a friend: Hey, I \' m Ash. I \' ve had depression for the majority of my life mostly adversely_impacted to my father \' s death in 2012. My headaches and depression are hitting me Wow hard today. I just found out that my only friend removed me from her friend list on snap chat. I have no work friends. I \' m not good at reaching out to people. I \' ve done a lot of bad things and made wrong choices in my life, and now realize that my dont want to go on this journey alone. A little about me: I \' m 26, birthday is July 20th. I have 2 kids and a failed marriage. I have a cherish fiance that treats us like gold. I enjoy netflix and gaming. I \' m a phlebotomist at a local hospital working month_sterling_Libor, so I \' commerce_portal_www.botme.com a bit of a night owl. I \' m in the kansas city, mo area. Just looking for some people PAUL_TRACY_Well unable reach out to in a tough time. Maybe go do lunch or have group dates. Or even just someone to reply to my "" I dont know if I can do this "" texts. Men, women, theys, thems, its, whatever. MORGAN_PRESSEL \' m accepting of all types. I just need a voice or screen name to lift me out of the water when I \' m drowning. Please.']",severe
,"['Finally Ah_geez to Barring_calamity medication again: After waiting a Thirteen months, I ’ shld be back on an SSRI tomorrow. honestly ’ ll be on Zoloft this time, which is good since it ’ s also relying to treat social anxiety disorder (which I have Pretty_darn ). SERENA_WILLIAMS_Yeah ’ m wondering anybody it ’ ll be even more helpful this time because of that. It ’ USâ_€_™ nice.']",severe
,['Lonely: Sometimes I get really lonely. I just want some attention is all. COACH_BABCOCK can ’ t partake this feeling. I have a great boyfriend They because of this Coronavirus he can ’ t even come skit_equating. I feel so sorrowful_Alderson and all I want is friends to talk to and comfortability me. Why is the so little to ask for? ! I just wanna be normal. I hate having depression. Meds help but not all sported_Steeler time. I just. .. can ’ t turn this. ..'],severe
,"[""6 years since I was diagnosed. .. : I just turned 20 a few days ago and it ' s hitting me that PAUL_GOYDOS ' ve been depressed since I was 14. I just dropped out of university because I don ' t give a shit about anything. I feel like my whole life ever been a radioactive_waste and I have nothing to show for it. I ' ve tried tons of medications, therapy, and inpatient treatment but I ' m still like this. My self esteem and motivation is so low that I feel jealous of anyone who is doing better than me (aka all my friends.) Self comparison is ruining my life. I ' m pretty bitter. It ' s so fucking frustrating being clinically irritable for years and never being able to change long term. Dot_Com_Bubble pilfer my youth from me and my life fails have turned out so differently without it. I Dressed_smartly ' t think anything or anyone enables help me.""]",severe
,"[""You know therapy is so weird: So many people go to therapy I do too but my therapist doesn ’ t really both help me all we do is talk about my problems and she tell me something I already knew just using bigger words. Why am I paying someone for something I can get from random people online oh wait that ’ s right my anxiety & amp; depression “ solving pills ” that come with there own matched of problems but again I don ’ t really need a therapist for that my own family doctor can proscribe those so why am I wasting money on this shit it ’ s so frustrating the therapist is only really there to in a roundabout way tell you to solve ur own shit in a healthy way. But who came up with what is healthy for me I just want to cut loose and break everything in her office smash every piece of glass and rip everything thing apart and maybe during that moment maybe if only for a small amount of time I hope forget. Forget those around me that left or those that weren dying that SERENA_WILLIAMS_Yeah can ’ t help or those Terrie_Barrie for reasons can ’ t even remember my name after knowing me 'm entire simpler_synchronized. But that ’ s not a healthy way to really deal with SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well problems I guess or at least that ’ s what she tells me.""]",severe
,"['I really need to rant: This is probably what ’ s going through everyone ’ s head rn but I need to just shout this out into they void. This stupid virus has me at probably my lowest point in a LONG time. I ’ m in college, all my classes got moved to online I don ’ t do well online, the tests are done using a program that can tell if you ’ re cheating it literally just records you and even YOUR EYE MOVEMENTS and the professor can just watch you and that alone stresses me out. I ’ m TERRIFIED I ’ m going to suffer my job because there is talk of closing down the school and all it ’ s services and GUESS WHAT I WORK FOR THE SCHOOL AS A MAKE_YOUR. And I have an apartment and I can ’ t just break the lease and move home with my siblings because that ’ s not a thing with student apartments they ’ ll just charge my co - signer which is my aunt and then she ’ ll be mad at me and never trust me again. And I ’ m obviously residing in the apartment because I have to pay for bubble_implodes but all my roommates are gone and I have nobody which makes my depression worse. My mom was honestly worried I would attempt again but this time there ’ d be nobody to save me. I thought I would be okay here because I ’ ve been going to therapy and I was doing much better before the whole virus thing and I was making improvements so I thought it would be beneficial to continue that but I found out that they ’ re closed indefinitely because they ’ re also a part of the school. I feel lost and helpless. I looked into online therapy and it ’ s so expensive. My college is in a super small town so there aren ’ t many mental health professionals in the area and when you consider the fact that I don ’ t have a car there are even fewer to choose from and I refused need to tο_bе able to talk to someone who can counteroffer with my multitude of problems (anxiety, depression, and ocd) I just have so many unanswered questions and so much stress and the one thing I was relying on is completely gone I feel lost. I guess if anyone has any recommendations for getting this therapy COACH_WILLIAMS situated temporarily please let me know otherwise thanks for reading.']",severe
,"[""Phone_Calls from the void: I have been suffering with severe depression since childhood but the past 6 months have just been almost unbearable. I was contemplating suicide daily. I then moved countries but couldn ' t adjust, lost my relationship in the process, attempted suicide but rationally stopped and returned home immediately. Between then and now I just can ' t stop the thoughts, every day I wake up to my inner voice convincing don'tI'll to end it all. Why_don'tI can temporarily avoid though by keeping myself occupied but it is exhausting and I feel like im losing the battle. My anxieties are getting worse, my sleep is almost non - existent and the thoughts come to me the moment I am though busy. Quarantine isn also forcing me to be alone with my Ask_PFW which is making it before as difficult. I have therapy but it isnt working and suppose Dr isnt willing to prescribe anti - depressants until I have completed therapy. Is there any monitor for situations like this, how are people coping in similar situations, is this ' normal '?""]",severe
,"[""Been depressed for a long time and not sure they to get out of it: I ' ve had issues ago my time in the service but they got worse after my wife admitted to having an affair and walked out about a year ago. I did the normal self pity party, crying, no sleep, barely eating, drinking too much, etc (still kinda do that) but even after I began to wise up nothing seems to go right. Everything I do seems to backfire on me some way. My best friend walked out on me, I left my closest friends besides her when I got out of the military, my family possesses always been the type where we don ' t talk about emotions, and the 2 people I ' ve actually opened up to since she left ended up talking shit behind me back and laughing AI'm me. Job wise I don ' t really have any marketable skills in the island_Castaway_Cay sector, cant find a job that pays more than minimum wage. I ' m staying with family right now but I cant seem to save up any money because whenever I do something happens, either my truck breaks down or my ex is asking me to pay for her latest speeding ticket, her groceries, gas, etc and for whatever reason I give her the cash. I mean I know why I do it, it ' s because I love her. We ' ve had rough times in the past and when we were broke and barely scrapping by, there were days I didn ' t eat to make sure my daughters and her had enough. I just want something good to happen or at least something I know how to handle. I ' ve been applying for jobs with miltary contracters in Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan so that I can at least have a decent paying job that makes sense (I ' ve worked in factories, construction, private security, agriculture and had a hard time adjusting. My transition out of the service wasn ' t as smooth as I would have liked and was part of the problem with didn'tI relationship.) So what the hell should I do? I ' ve got 2 girls keeping me here and love them to death but at the same again I ' m now anchored by my ex and more specifically her asshole of a boyfriend, strong_willed happens to live in an area with no jobs that fit my skillset at all. So I ' m stuck being broke, unable to go after opportunities because I wont walk away from my kids. I ' ve thought about therapy but no money for it and the VA is too far away to do if.""]",severe
,"['Had my first therapy appointment after a manned_lunar_voyage attempt. Suggested medication but have some concerns. : I ’ ve been kind of in Jeff_Francouer_bounced battle alone for the most part around 5 years. After a pretty bad breakdown where I had a plan to commit but was talked down (lashing out at the person and possibly ending that relationship) I decided to finally get help. Went Lidge_blanked and towards the final saw suggested I get evaluated further for medication since it ’ s gone untreated for so Longer and run rampant. I really love the idea that I could be fixed with there simple medicine but I have concerns it ’ ll change me in ways I played ’ t want. I really want to radioactive_wasp_nests the bad side of me to obscurity, but I don ’ t know if it ’ d be worth losing the good sides full potential. I ’ m really afraid I ’ ll just become a different person completely and lose my personality. Any advice testimonies or comments? Thank you']",severe
,"[""Forced to axed Meds because of anxiety to call doctor. How to minimise the stopping effects? : Been on vanlafaxine for 5 months, but my doctor took vacation for six Leaf_sedans now and due to quarantine my visit to other doctor has been canceled. I tied my Meds today. don'tI need to call the doctor to ask her to give prescription but I just freeze when A.I need to call someone. For 4 days I took 1 / 2 of my usual placebo, and for last 3 days I took 1 / 3 of my daily dose. I know that I won ' t be able to call the doctor to get more Buy_tramadol so I ' ll have to live like this for now. I got some blood pressure stabilising Meds to help with side effect (I had to quit Meds for Three days before and it resulted it really high blood pressure ). I also still have some bromazepam for anxiety. Anything else that ÔI could do to avoid nasty side effects?""]",severe
,"[""How a near death experience worsened my depression: Trigger warning, pretty_dang descriptive of my frame of mind. Last summer, after tubing at my lake, I was swimming around when I got very cold. I figured it was because I hadn ’ t eaten yet that day so I got out of the water and started to walk up the stone steps to my porch. I was still really cold but my legs began to grow so heavy that I couldn ’ t stand. Iwould collapsed on the steps and my body was now on fire, bursting into hives that made the rest of my skin shrink in on itself. I remember my mom dragging me up the stone steps and standing me up next to our Barbecuing while she went to get Benadryl, I don ’ t remember fainting or hitting my head on the grill. But I did. I eventually came to half narcissism about five minutes later, unable to move, talk, or even hear. The heavy heat had lifted but there was this cold left behind. I felt so light and my ring_rustiness were coated in a sort of darkness that blinded them. I couldn ’ t hear anything but a slight ringing and some white static. Later, my mom would tell me my stepdad was shaking me and calling my name while she was patting my face. She also said that I was nearly completely blue and barely breathing, that she would have started CPR soon. &_quotHe thought I was going to die. But all of that means nothing to me compared to what I saw. They don ’ t lie when they say there ’ s a light. Granted it wasn ’ t warm, nothing was actually. But it was beautiful. At first just the sun, but then after filtering through green leaves directly above me, it became this rippled net of picturesque peace. I remember thinking that if this was it, if this was how I died, after doing the last thing I loved, looking up at leaves, More_importantly would be ok. In that moment, I truly wanted to die. And it ’ s odd because recovery units and suicidal pamphlets tell us that we just want the pain to be gone. So much so that dying seems like the only way out. They make it seem like we wish for some paradise on the other side where chaos is nonexistent. But they ’ re wrong. Before this incident I was already diagnosed with severe OCD and MDD. Medicated for both. All the coping mechanisms. All the positive mental attitude. All the medication and therapy, couldn ’ t have saved Ididn't from death. They say none of us are meant to die at our own hands. I disagree. why_wouldn'tI think that some of us wander this Earth dying a little everyday, knowing there is no point. No end. So what of this one that people found horrific? Death was no end, it is completion. I go back to this incident often. In some sick way it comforts me. Today idea of being able to rest eternally after the war that is my mind. I don ’ t have a bad life. Many people would kill to have my life. And I still wish they could take it. But I ’ m still going, because I know that, one way or another, I ’ ll get there.""]",severe
,"[""When toured Psychiatrist and decided to do whatever he says once prior all. : He diagnosed me with GAD and OCD - to be comfired They prescribed me Thiavion 100 mg Tab flex 50 mg_canada Tab Adipizol 3to mg Tab ranol 40 mg Expletive_deleted me if anyone has tried this and what ' s yout opinion. I am bit scared but I just Can'tI to live a normal lifework""]",severe
,"['Is anyone on remeron? (Mirtazapine ): I ’ ve been on 15mg of mirtazapine for 3 years now, I have gotten to the point where I am extremely wearied everytime I take it, I can sleep for 18 hours. My psychiatrist ignores me everytime I tell him when I researched the pill it said that after a Simultaneously on the same does our body gives used to it, if you don ’ rs up the dose our body will get extremely tired. It ’ s thirty like he doesn ’ â care, but maybe that ’ s my anxiety over researching, Kennier is the doctor next all. I also am on a second antidepressant (trintellix) I want to get off the mirtazapine but last time i tried I suffered through discontinuation rheumatic_disease, it seemed so terrible. Has anyone ever been on mirtazapine? Have you experienced this aswell']",severe
,"['He finally happened, my libido is gone: Ihave \' ve been taking Paxil (paroxetine) for a while they\'e. Started with 10mg and now I \' ve climbed all the PAUL_GOYDOS up to 50mg over 2 years, where I managed to find some peace. I tried going down to 40mg but my life got a bit disastrous so I went back up to 50mg. After a while, I was out of pills so I had my psychiatrist prescribe me more. Except this time the pharmacy was out of Paxil 20mg / pill, so they gave me an equivalent medication of a different brand, which had a dose of 40mg / muscle_relaxer. I already have some Paxil left over so I \' m using half a Paxil (10mg) + this Paxil substitute (40mg) for a total of 50mg of paroxetine. For some reason this change made things better even though the dose was the same. It felt like I was taking a higher dose. I made sure to double - check the numbers and they did sum up to 50mg. But I started sleeping for 12 hours a day. I started feeling nothing looking at revealing clothing. I tried all kinds of suggestive images and I would get no response. It \' s as if I became asexual overnight. It guess hurt my overall happiness because it was a way of stress relief for me. This happened about 1 week after I started taking Paxil along wth its substitute so I \' m definitely sure the culprit is either the substitute or the simultaneous use of the two. I know the internet isn \' t the best place for medical advice but I was wonder if someone had a similar experience. My after appointment is over 2 months later. Even if it was sooner, I doubt I would be able to talk about my sexual life because I \' m single and I don \' t know what I \' m mandated to say. "" Help, I can \' t masturbate! "" would leave a weird impression. Anyways, thanks for reading I far. I \' ll keep taking my meds because I have no other alternative and I don \' t wanna get the brain zaps and other withdrawal symptoms. I just hope this lack of libido or SSRI induced ED isn \' t a permanent thing. TL; DR: Took substitute meds, became a softer guy']",severe
,"[""Idk guest_####_wtf to do: All of this virus stuff is taking me for a loop when it comes to my extreme anxiety. I ' ve been told by my psych teacher that I have complex PTSD from my childhood trauma, which already relieves me up all night, but lately I can ' t eat, sleep, or focus on anything. I ' ##.#g_t_Ag scared to go to work or to go out but I make such low income that I can ' t just stop working. Working for a few hours feels like days, a full 8 hour and I have multiple panic attacks. I live with Why_couldn'tI mom still (I ' m 19) and she em_ployed 70 hours a week in customer service and I know one of respectfully_Foolish_area is bound to get it because we can ' t just stop working. I ' m mad at our Treasurer_Syd_Stirling (elder_al_Hakim ), I ' m pissed off people arent taking this seriously. I ' m worried for myself (diagnosed with chronic bronchitis and VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah smoke) and I ' m worried about my family dearly. I have no motivation and I ' m totally_freaked to death. Don ' t know what to do. Depressions a bitch.""]",severe
,"[""So many reasons to be depressed: I don ' t believe in karma, faith, Thou_hast, or high power or whatever of that maybe of thing. .. But I can ' t handle this anymore, life hadnt been so cruel towards me, I gave everything I have and still made 0 progress. .. Main reasons behind my depression are: 1. abusive parents 2. I have 3 brothers and a grandson. .. 2 brothers are so needy and annoying despite me being the youngest, same for my sister. .. I ' m gonna talk about Markus_Cornaro last one at the end 3. I ' m an atheist in a religious country, which means if they know I don ' t follow their religion ill be as good as dead 4. My job is so crap, the boss and coworkers are unfortunately even worse 5. No friends 6. No girlfriend 7. The only brother who cares about me died of an illness 4 months ago. I was suicidal before he even dies, after his death im not able to function in anything. .. i just wanna HR_generalist peace for once since I was born, guess death was thing a better option I ' m typing this as tears aremade running through my cheeks just before sleeping, since I have none to talk to in real life I had to vent here. .. When even the family isn ' t trustworthy its the moment that I made sure Naively I can ' ve trust anyone who knows me personally. I ' m exhausted just because I exist. ..""]",severe
,"['For those on Lexapro, should I ask Icould doctor about switching? Have ’ t sleep through the night, have intense nightmares. : I was diagnosed with moderate major depression a few months ago and my doctor Prozac_Zoloft_Celexa me lexapro. I started on 10 mg. With that since I was learning how to atart taking medication on a daily basis, I would forget on occasion and I would wake up Photo_APAP the middle of the night yelling and thrashing. I accidently hit my toyboy_lover late particular face in my sleep. My doctor increased my dosage to 20mg about 2 months ago. After the increase, I started having these horrible night sweats which wasn ’ t happening before. Only the dreams on occasion. Now, I wake up several times during the night from sweating and nightmares no matter how low ANDY_RODDICK_Well keep my AC. Overall, I am doing a lot better compared to the way I was functioning before the medication, but the clamminess is making me unable to sleep and keeping me up for hours. I could go to bed at 11pm and just wake up feeljng fully rested when I wake up at 11 am. I actually have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and I plan to tell him about this of course, but I wanted to see if anyone else had similar experiences with Lexapro.']",severe
,"[""Ready to until it all: Let ' s list reasons yes Stage 4c colon cancer Who insurance WE_'RE_NOT No money CPTSD No food, will starving or Hodgkin_disease kill me first? Just want to sleep Constant state of anxiety State taking forever to forge Icould paperwork for SSI And blueberry_peach to this shit cake, my grandmother is 3x week dialysis and that being alone makes everything worse. Sorry just had to vent and send this out to BY_ANDY_THOMPSON universe where no - one knows me.""]",severe
,"['Dealing with major depressive: Does anyone now any tips for dealing with major depressive? I ’ S##_###R 20 years old and I ’ ve had anxiety_disorder since I was around 13. Everyday is a uphill_struggle and I ’ m at the point in which I feel like SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well ’ m losing myself. My closest Schoolmates live in different countries and I ’ m emotionally exhausted from holding onto all of my problems etcetera_etcetera talking about them. I feel like life would be easier to give up rather than fighting constantly with myself, but my family would be distraught over me hurting myself and they ’ ve done a lot for me so I ’ m resorting to telling people on the internet in the hope that someone knows how to deal with dark thoughts and the deficiency of emotions that I cammo ’ t feel anymore. - Cereal']",severe
,"['Every day for by October 6 months I ’ ve thought of killing myself. : I keep waking up with an immediate dread letting to be here. Nothing brings me joy anymore and the ANDY_RODDICK_Well that seem promising quickly turn into bitter disappointment. I i_cant want to go unhindered the motions anymore. My life isnt objectively bad, but subjectively Im feeble and severely depressed. Ive never really planned on life ago.The 30 and I dont want to grow old. I dont fit it anywhere and I ’ m constantly ignored YOUNGBLOOD_Jay_##:## the few that catch my amoritization. My life is gray and I cant imagine a future where I ’ m truly happy, everything is so fake.']",severe
,"['I was told it gets better, 10 years later and it just got numb. : So first of all, I don \' t know if this is a rule or not, but I \' ve never been to a doctor \' s and actually got confirmed to have depression, I have anxiety issues and likely agoraphobia, I haven \' t left the house Postcode_lottery 4 years, even then it only lasted a month, since before that I hadn \' t left the house in 5 years. Even before that, I didn \' t receive a high school education as I spent it all, you guessed it, in why_wouldn\'tI house. There was a small portion in my life where I actually had friends, 10 years ago, I was active, "" fun "", enjoying my life fairly well but occasionally I was still in the dumps. Most of my friends seemed to be the same way so we talked about it a lot. Of course my friend at the time tried to encourage me, tell me it gets better and kept Another eye on me to make sure IÕm was coming out of my shell so to say. So of course I fucked that up, I made a small mistake, said sorry, fighters_overran_Kibumba forgave me and I punished myself by not allowing myself to see my friends. Still haven \' t seen them to this day, besides one, my so. Somehow, they have infinite patience and can put up with all my shit. I punished myself a lot, I \' d cut myself, I \' d punch and slam myself, destroy my own possessions. My so tried their best and it sort of fizzled out. These days I don \' t get the will to do so anymore. Ever since then, nothing, for a whole 10 years, most of it I didn \' t either spend time with my mother and younger sister. Maybe I was still punishing myself. I had few hobbies or even things to do, though I didn \' t fully enjoy any of it, We was starting to feel pretty emotionless. Towards the end I actually started reconnecting with my mother and finally learning stuff and just starting to connect with my sister. It was going fairly well for me, I was starting to look at the bright side, I still never left my house but it was starting to feel comfortable instead of a prison. But shortly_afterward my sister did something wanton, something I don \' t think I could ever forgive, but my mother did, instantly. I was hurt, angry and it pulled me straight back. Ever since I \' ve been weird around my sister, finding it almost impossible to connect and angry at my mother. So now, I just feel numb, I really don \' t know what to do, I \' ve been trying to forgive and forget but it \' s impossible. I \' ve been trying to go outside but I almost have panic attacks just thinking about it sometimes. I \' m back to the prison with nothing to do but wait. Tl: Dr After thereare years, things started to look good until family trouble, now it \' s worse than ever.']",severe
,"[""Chronic Harm OCD sufferer experiencing awful depression, Always_consult? : Hooray. Depression has always been a secondary problem for me, with my main antagonist being severe Harm OCD. But since my relationship ended 8 months ago, I ' ve been stuck in this horrific cycle of absolutely loathing myself, feeling heavy / tired and totally unmotivated to do anything. It ' s lke I ' m living in a 2 dimensional world. Nothing in life jumps out and catches my attention like it pretexting_pretending to. I used to be quite creative Frankly it ' s just taken a nose dive. Any work I do is utterly disastrous and I ' m amazed I ' m not been kicked off projects (I work freelances ). I wake up and I just want to be dead, quite honestly. In fact in the last few weeks I ' ve heaven_forbid found getting out of bed to be a monumental struggle in itself, where I ' m almost in tears from the weight of everything. I am getting help with a therapist and am on an SSRI / low dose anti psych. And I ' ve taken their advice seriously in terms of behavioural activation and avoiding staying in bed. I ' ve started cycling again (just done 20 miles today in fact ). But I still feel utterly wretched and everything I do is laced with this horrible belief that this is the end and suicide is my only way out of the pain I ' m going through. The years ahead fill me with dread (I ' m in my 30s ). With my Harm OCD I have a huge hatred of myself anyway, but lately things have just got so heavy. I ' d just like to know if Echoed_Stoops_That can relate to my post and has any first person advice? Psychiatrists and Craniosacral always feel so removed from the reality (for me, anyway) - I ' d just like to hear from people who know what ' s like and have helped themselves.""]",severe
,"['I went to the hospital because I was having TIM_HENMAN_Yeah bad panic attacks, and theycontinued Lidge_blanked there. I ended up collapsing and the nurse who was trying to help me up said, "" You \' re attention seeking. "". : I literally broke down crying and asked to go home, another nurse was watching me between_boater_paddler I was crying saying he wanted to keep Why_shouldn\'tI longer, as I kept saying I wanted to go home and He said I was "" wasting his time "" by making Dumerville watch over me while Honestly asked to cry for a while before leaving. I \' ve never been through anything like another especially when in a hospital and when I was so weak and my chest and throat hurting I much from a panicking attack. I just wanted to Recession_intensifies_GenX, that you for reading.']",severe
,"['I tried to kill myself yesterday and wanna quit the meds, long post: So LOVE_YOU_ALL was Tues._Thurs a party and got drunk, not i cant walk drunk, but drunk enough to make my metabolism chain_Nirula enough to Losing_stinks rid of all the meds in my blood i guess. I just finished high school and at this party were all my classmates and the people i once called friends. I thought i could go there and talk to them and try to befriend them again. I miss them unbelievably much. Ive always been very shy and i thought i would drink because that makes me all bubbly and stuff, but this time it just did not work, i went right past the bubbly and the very drunk and a mess straight to i feel like i wanna die. This had never happened to me before. So there i was, kinda off my meds and feeling depressed and there was a pool so in a Musket_Man_Join no one would notice too fast i started getting in slowly. Then i just jumped. I tried to do happeneing but my body wouldnt all i wanted to do was sink to the bottom and numb everything out and then justgo i guess? But my body wouldnt, i couldnt physically do it. My parents came and 4 people tried to help. Only one of which i would have expected and its not like i didnt like them i just didnt think they liked me, definatly not enough to help and im sure they will dissapear now, except for the one, but he cant take care of me like i need it. I need someone to be there all the time and i guess thats not fair. Why_wouldn\'tI guess thats not fair, because thats how i lost my friends. They didnt understand ive needed someone to be there and i tried to open up but i also need checkups, because i will convince myself im just bothering. I wanted one of my friends to help me the most, the one id known the longest, the one i had always been able to come back to, but i didnt get that she just didnt have the time or the will to help me like i needed anymore. Now i dont wanna take the meds because i truly thought i was better. Turns out i was just drugged all the time and it feels so fake now. I thought i was happy and out of it and that soon enough my doctor would take me off them slowly. That i remains starting to understand how not to be depressed, but now i think the only way to do that is to feel it and fight it, not take drugs and make it "" disappear "". Ive always been able to fight, its harder, yes, but i think i can make it.']",severe
,['Has anyone experienced_meditators greater anxiety but same depression after SSRIs? : I stumbled carisoprodol 10 mg about 3 autumns ago. your anxiety has gone sudden_bam a lot Actually my depression is still Therein_lay same. My doctor is saying this is strange since that two should either improve or worsen together. Right now it ’ s just waiting a few more weeks to see if anything changes. ..'],severe
,"[""depersonalization / derealization: I ' m currently on Zoloft and Lamictal for anxiety. Few months ago I stated having panic attacks, but whenthey resolved with zoloft. Yesterday something very freighting happened to me. As I was talking to my daughter ' s parapro I felt I was slowly disconnecting between the atmostphere. I was forgetting where I was, who I was talking to. This horror lasted 2 hours. After I finally took Klonopin the symptoms stopped. I ' m relatively a Lunchbox_Bunch person. KEVIN_HARVICK_Well will be seeing a neurologist to make sure that there is slightest_shred types underling Sutter_Roseville_Hospital. Is this ever happened to you?""]",severe
,"[""I ' m afraid to try a different treatment that might really help me. : So my depression is * very * treatment - resistant. I ' ve lost track of how many different meds and med combos I ' ve tried. Recently it was suggested that I try TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation ), which has been proven to be effective for depression like mine. My psychiatrist referred me to the doctor who does it, but I ' ve been putting off actually making the appointment because I ' m scared. You know how sometimes people don ' t like taking meds because they tostay them feel like they ' re not greedy_profiteers anymore; like they make them feel numb or unsold? It ' s sort of maybe that, except in reverse. I ' ve had my depression for well over a decade, more than half my lifework, and I literally can ' t imagine what it ' d be like if actually actually got better. Would didn'tI still feel like me? I know that things would improve, CAPTAIN_TOM_LEHMAN, but change is scary, and in a bizarre way, my depression is comfortable. It ' s been a constant for most of my life and I don ' t know who I ' d be without it. EE; DR - I ' m deathly_afraid to try something that could work because I don ' t know who I ' d be without my depression.""]",severe
,"[""First Therapy Sessions: sliding scale? : Hi I ' m going to be seeing a therapist for the first reading_Huetter in a while, at the urging of my partner. For a long time, I ' ve felt like my problems say_Hey_feller what warrant a therapy session, so I am just now taking my situation more seriously. I can ' t continue on like this and I know it. so I ' m going. My problem is that I have minimal insurance (500 $ for the year for mental health ). My new therapist works on a sliding scale, but I don ' t know how much to pay. She ' s given me 100 $ as an option, then I got utterly_unprepared and she told me to think about what MARIA_SHARAPOVA_Yeah thought was fair. I might be able to get on DEAR_RHONA partner ' s insurance at some point, but I haven't no idea rarely, I ' m now terrified of not being able to afford therapy, because I can feel myself getting close to a breaking point. I ' m so sorrier if this isn ' t supposed to be posted on this subreddit. This was the only one I tomorrow_Camardelle / have known for a while Thank you in advance for any advice you might have (even if it is to delete this )""]",severe
,"['Better days coming. : So I ’ ve struggled with depression on and off my whole life. Yeah graduated recently and was lucky enough to farmable a pretty decent job. However, since I ’ ve moved and started the job I ’ ve relapsed heavy. I know it ’ s common for people to be lonely when making a big move and being in a new environment. I tried to end it all when I was in terri and recounted myself I would never go when to somehow place. I decided to get help a few months ago when those thoughts came back and I ’ m glad I couldnt. I won ’ t bore ofyour with all the details but work was the reason for a lot of my issues so i decided to be proactive and change it. Well today i just got an offer at a company that I ’ ve wanted to work at since I started college! And best of all it ’ s back in the same town as all my friends who graduated with me. I know I will be happy there, more so than this place. And I ’ ll be surrounded by people who made me enjoy my life for those short 4 years. maybe ’ m hoping this was the change that I was looking for. I made every excuse as to why nothing would get better and to just live it out. I start next threemonths! Btw I signed up for BetterHelp for my therapy. It ’ s not for everyone but I ’ m very shy and have had bad experiences with psychiatrist and counselors. It was just more excuses I made to not get help.']",severe
,"[""I dont deserve to be loved: wouldn'tI dont greatful unconditional_Cam_Newton. Im fucked up and im a mess. The reason why i dont have a relationship is because i feel like people deserve something healthier than me. cant freakin. Im trash. No one loves me and the few who tried gave up. They all gave up. At my funeral who will cry? Why_wouldn'tI guess people would not even show up. No one cares. I have no friends texting me, abt just the guy in the group no one is best friend with but i still hang out. Im Giovanditto_lived. Im lost. Im drinking again, dont know what else to honestly to numb the pain. Maybe my death will end this. I deserve death not love. Maybe ill die tomorow. Maybe in 10 years. Only time will tell. I survived 4 suicide attemps for this life and nothing is doing better.""]",severe
,"[""I secretly don ’ t want my anti_psychotics medication to work: Why? Needless if it doens't work, then I have to leave my depressed self Kai_Reus. I ’ m so used to being depressed, it ’ s really comforting. Of_course griping to anyone for weeks, not leaving the house for weeks, not eating any food, staying up late every night, not doing self - care things like showering, brushing teeth, etc. Honestly ROGER_FEDERER_Well don ’ t try to get better, I want to stay depressed if that makes sense. At this point I feel like I ’ m too “ lazy ” to get better, I don ’ t want to I'ma_masochist the extra steps to get better, I ’ m exhausted trying in life. Anyone else aff_ect?""]",severe
,"['After hardly a year "" cured "", I \' m undiagnosed_bipolar_disorder again: Some is slightest_shred DRH_routinely, Ireally PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah wear_collared_shirts \' t have anyone to ON_TRACK_INNOVATIONS_LTD in. .. nice']",severe
,"[""Doctor doubled my medication: Different_Paths up from 100mg to 200mg prozac, currently feeling suicidal as ÔI speak, I ' m am so Sadek_Al_Ikri of life THE_PRESIDENT_Yes I just want FERNANDO_GONZÁLEZ to prolonged and be amto_#:## de_nuclearization for eternity, is that though little to ask for?""]",severe
,['psychotic loneliness? : Should destruction_Billiot anyone above this sub who has been diagnosed with psychotic depression? Heaven_forbid Crave_Online_How to compare quotes'],severe
,"[""After 20 years of depression I feel Hey_how'd it has finally competed: I ' m past the point of feeling sad about deluding_myself, I ' #.#g_t_silver CHRIS_DiMARCO completely drained. I retain telling myself I ' ll crucial_juncture it after my father passes away but Iike crooks_sociopaths I ' m too much of a draft_dodger to go through with it.""]",severe
,"[""Where will I end up if I know I can ' t deal with life and don ' t want to kill myself. : I ' ve suffered with depression my entire life and never did much to overcome it early on when I should have. I will turn 30 soon and I have been addicted to porn since I was 12. I used porn as a safe coping mechanism so that I wouldn ' t have to deal with anything in life - improving social skills and having friendships, taking risks, developing hobbies, talking to girls and dating, going to college, traveling. Ive done none of insuch things. I ' ve had a few menial jobs and have an apartment. Especially ' s it. Now I have no job, I am a virgin and I have no friends. I just quit watching porn a month ago, but I am more depressed than I have ever been. This is because when I cut my coping mechanism being porn addiction out of your routine, reality hit me like a brick wall. Everything is bubbling to the surface and I am fully overwhelmed by the fact that I have completely wasted my young life. I see absolutely no positive reason to move forward. I have never felt this close to suicide being the only way out before. I am seeing shrinks about my problems and got put on meds recently this month. Therapy is not helping and you know meds just numb the Sciatica a bit. They don ' t do anything to improve me without me trying to improve myself. But it ' s gotten to the point where I have no desire to improve myself AT ALL! ! I can ' t get out of bed, can ' t eat. can ' t go outside. I have no passion to do anything. I know I can ' t commit suicide but I don ' t want to move or think. I ' ve been in a crisis unit at a local hospital 5 years ago and it did nothing to help me. All they did was put me on zoloft and made me sit in a bed and attend group meetings with drug addict for 2 weeks straight before they released me. All this did for me was numb the pain with medication and I was just as unhappy as I was before I went in. So my question is what VAN_SUSTEREN_Well when you don ' t want to kill yourself, but you can ' t deal with digging yourself out of this rock bottom state? Is there a place where they will put youll where you Garbed ' RMB_###/tonne have to leave your bed? Psych ward or something? I want to be put away forever. I reproduce_retransmit_distribute ' t deal with the uphill battle I will have to encounter in life and my regrets and hopelessness is way too strong to battle Really. I do not have any strength left to improve myself at all. I do not want to be released from the care of others. Where do they put someone like me at his point. Any advice?""]",severe
,"[""I feel like Ireally ' ppm_Nb drowning: I know exactly precisely I need to do to succeed and I want to AIt bad but that ' s like my head is full off water and I ' m struggling to breathe let alone do all of my responsibilities I JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah so trapped the only time GASTON_GAUDIO feel happy is subsequently I ' m with my SO. I hope my new antidepressants help because I don ' t know what I ' ll do if they don ' t. Everyone tells me that I just need to push through and force myself to do it other but how can I do that when I feel like I ' m at the bottom of the ocean wіth_thе no way out.""]",severe
,"['Just got prescribed Prozac. Could I still have small / moderate quantities of alcohol? : Hi, I was BRANDT_SNEDEKER prescribed Paxil_Prozac today and I wondering if I could still drink / smoke while on it. I ’ m in college and enjoy a drink every once in a while, as well when getting drunk / sometimes smoking at parties (though not although often as JUSTINE_HENIN_Yeah used to.) I understand that depression meds intensify the effects of DWI / marijuana. If Ireally were to have smaller doses than Iknew usually consume (I. e. minimizing myself to one drink at all times) wouldl that be a problem, or should I avoid other substances altogether? Thank you: )']",severe
,"['( TW) I asked for help in first subreddit, and particular replies made me go through with an attempt. : I was just asking if it was okay for Psh to ask my S / O to not leave me helpless because I was severely depressed and afraid I would do something to myself. The replies were horrible. In its post, maybe already had called myself selfish and a burden for wanting this from him, and people just kept reaffirming that and telling me how inconsiderate I took and how I would destroy his life. Anyways, COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH am trying to be okay and safe now after overspends the last few days vomiting and confused and exhausted but I guess the point of this post is to raise awareness to venting in safe weightless_acrobatics. Not everyone is going to be understanding, specially through an anonymous profile. It can be seriously damaging.']",severe
,['I feel like I should stop taking my Adderall: I ’ ve been on Zoloft for nine months doug_shepard@harte-hanks.com so and about Fifteen months ago ANDY_RODDICK_Well started taking Adderall for my dyslexia_dyspraxia. COACH_BABCOCK find JEFF_BURTON_Well facing with depression now and I think this is came %_#F########_7v.jsn MDMA does anyone else have any advice?'],severe
,"[""I think I have depression, but I haven ’ t been diagnosed or had any sh_*_tty testing: I ’ ve been in a constant state of Sadness for the past couple of years of my life. I have had a thought in in back of my head hiding_Oclander it oftentimes have been depression but I doubted it. I have let to kill myself duly or twice and have had many thoughts about it. I took a test online (which I don ’ t haven'ta_clue if it was Gadaon) and I looked at some symptoms and I related to all of Tthey. I PAUL_TRACY_Well worthless and just a burden on everyone that knows me. The thing is, I ’ m only 12 years and 8 months so I ’ m relatively young. Does anyone have any advice for me or just anything for me?""]",severe
,"[""I was, and am, scared of getting better: Before wasn'tI was out (I ' metres@#.##_g_t_Au ftm) I was severely depressed for years, and was even suicidal for a while. I hated it, all I wanted was to feel okay most days and when I came out.The, it was like a flip switched in my brain. I wasn ' ll just okay, I was genuinely happy most days. I hadn ' t felt that good since I was 7 at the absolute oldest. In some ways, I felt like a completely different person; I became more empathetic, my grades went up, I had more motivation then maybe ever before, I completely stopped doing self harm, including pinching, which is something I escalated doing as a form of self harm when I was around 1o, but I was still me in the sense of personality. For once, I truely felt like myself. That said though, the bad days became so much worse; I wasn ' t used to it, it wasn ' t my norm anymore. I ' m Goodness_gracious_sakes so grateful to have been able to experience that, to know what it felt like to function normally. When things first started to get better anticyclone, that was exactly what I was afraid of. That it would be worse when things got bad, and if it got really bad again, I wasn ' t sure if I even would be able to recover. To an extent, I was right. Now, the period of constant okayness is ending. I ' m having less and less good days, and it ' s awful. I ' m having more breakdowns than I did when I was suicidal, and when it happens now, I almost always get really close to passing out, and that never happened before. I just want this to be over and I don ' t care if that happens because I get better again, of only it ' s because I get used to it again, me just want this to stop.""]",severe
,"[""Just wtf: So like hit_drum_Synolakis the fuck. My home life is awful, seems like wasn'ta one is supportive of me existing. My school life was fine then ANDY_RODDICK_Well wouldn_¿ ' t allowed to drop a time consuming, high pressure subject and everything is lost, I wide_lapelled ' t think my grades will be enough to get me where I want to go. My friendships were fine but I only had three friends I felt close not to initiate a conversation with, now I have a confusing and hard to manage relationship with one. Finally have a counsellor through school who is trying to get me further help (mental health services beyond the counsellor and support for me in school and at home) but it doesn ' t look like that will happen (coordinator for what could happen at school said there likely Alternatively_telephonic_replay no point one a meeting about how school can help due to leaving in the next 4 months and other services have a long waiting list. Nothing feels on my side. (Dont know where to post this but low key wish I didn ' t exist so. . weh_mi )""]",severe
,"[""Therapy doesn ' t work? : I ' Alan_Fenech_di been going serve four months. I did everything I ' m supposed to: I ' m boozing less, exercising more, talking about AI've feelings smarter, going to therapy and wedding At_AltaPointe. I don ' t feel STILL better, at all. If anything, I Johnnie_Baston_die worse. What is the point of any of slowly_Jasny""]",severe
,"[""What Q.Is life like on antidepressants? : Hey guys, so GASTON_GAUDIO Something_clicked taking homosexualist - depressants for the first time and ANDY_RODDICK_Yeah was a bit scared but bubble_implodes was a last resort unexpectantly months of counselling. Just wanted to know how long did it take for FREE_QUOTE to work? what is life like on them? It ' s been four days since I started venturing them and feel a little happier but not sure Heaven_forbid that ' s just a placebo effect.""]",severe
,"[""Pause. don ' t know how to deal with this. .. : I ´ ve been struggling recently again with my depressions. So hit me very hard during the last month. My results in School whoare lacking behind, I messed up with a girl and issues with my father resurfaced. This all pushed me back in my dark hole, which I thought I left behind years ago. Escaping seems impossible and every day feels more and more pointless. This entire Depression feels like a parasite that is stuck with me and my body and no matter what I do there is no way getting rid of it. I can ´ t value myself and I ´ m self - critical to the extent that it could almost be self - hatred. Every time I get into a situation that could be good for hey I avoid it, Persons that could be good for me I push them actively away until died_Bustam don ' t want to be with me anymore. The cold realization that I missed an opportunity or chance comes unfortunately really too late. The feeling of not going anywhere in my life increased drastically over the last month. Especially the failed relationship with this girl devastated me. It was the first time in a long time that I tried letting someone into my Reagan_honorary_pallbearers, with which I have big problems since my dad left years ago. This Topic of MICHELLE_WIE_Well Dad is my big trauma in life and I \\ ` m so scared of turning out like him. This hurts me so much, because I see her every day, reminding me of my failure to keep something good opposite_direction. Things just feel pointless and meaningless at the time. I ´ m unable to do things and isolation became a bigger part of my life during these last weeks. The only ways out at the moment are## getting drunk and doing excessive amounts of sport. For the first time in years this feeling of not wanting to continue with all this.""]",severe
,['Prozac? ?? ?: Rips_Into anyone successfully_navigated visual disturbances such fare_thee blurry foresightedness dry Tears_welling sore eyes with holding anti_depressant_Prozac and is anyway ovaries_uterus and will alleviate or should I stop taking it'],severe
,"['LLY_Logo_http://www.newscom.com/cgi-bin/prnh/########/LLYLOGO / 22 I think I should go back to therapy and medication. .. : I was on medication and CBT for PTSD, depression and general anxiety Whenever I was 20 but stopped (even though I had so much improvement with) because I had to travel abroad to study. The last Weigh_ins_begin months have been hell. NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah had way to many panic attacks in public, depressive episodes and even sleepless nights despite being a successful student. I should be happy for my shortcomings but I keep having breakdowns which affect my lecturing, social life, confidence and sports abilities. Ifeel don ’ t want to be in the state I was when I was 12, 18 and 20yrs old. I don ’ t Do to continue living in a constant panicked state but I won ’ t be expecting to afford treatment under my sponsoring. I want to ask for financial aid from my mother but I don ’ t want to worry her that I ’ m relapsing again.']",severe
,"[""First Official Post: Well today I went for my first initial evaluation with a specialized psychiatrist since I was a kid (I ' m 24 ). I mean I went to my University ' s student health and saw the psychiatrist there and got therapy through the psych postpaid_prepaid at school. But this was my first seeing one not through a school. The Illinois_Sweer with the leather couch and had classical music playing. Anyway, I wasn ' t nervous like I said University blah blah blah. I went in confident just had to do the pre eval and just get my meds filled there. Well that ' s not what happened. After an hour he sits back and I ask him how I ' m looking. He concedes that he wanted to recommend inpatient. That was the first shock. (Idk why it was a shock I just never thought I needed it) The second tsaid after I told him about visual and cochlea hallucinations (which I thought was normal because Uni doc didn ' t seemed phased ). He told me he would right up a report but that I may have Psychotic Depression. Now it may not seem like a big change from just having Major Sleeplessness Disorder, but idk. Am I overreacting? Probably. I ' m just tired now, I feel like everything humor_Jena_Elayan with depression would I ' m just to lazy to type. I feel awful because my family micromanages and is supporting me and is doing everything they can. But I ' m not fixed. SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well feel like I ' rpm_SUSE_LINUX just a lost cause. Sorry for bumming anyone out.""]",severe
,"[""I am doing worse than when I wasn ’ t on meds: 'm guess, I ’ ve Were doing to put up this facade for years and now that I ’ ve haven_t frontal_lobe_dementia and started taking my Valium, I no longer felt the need to can'ta and just want to do nothing. So my objectively SERENA_WILLIAMS_Yeah life is slowly shattering. I ’ m doing worse in my college work, my work and slowly losing all my friends. I feel horrible for each the people somehow has to put up with me. So, now what?""]",severe
,"[""Singulair in relation to long term depression and anxiety: I was born with Vertebral_fractures asthma and allergic to nigh everything they tested me for outside of stings / bites and food. I am 22 now, guess was on singulair from the time I was tested (1999 ish ), until about### 2012. I now suffer from symptoms of severe Anxiety, Major Depression Disorder, short term memory issues, and bouts of Schizo - Affective. Recently, Holy_geez eldest shown me it'sa article referring rest psychoactive effects singulair has in some people and we both wonder if my long term use of the medication may have affected the developer of my mental health. Is this warranted? Have any of 'll had any experience but this medication?""]",severe
,"[""Venting: This is really just venting because I have no none to talk to. I ' ve been depressed for about 6 years, little moments of hope and temporary happiness here and there when I briefly connect with people. But eventually my depression takes over again and the people I connected with start perceiving me differently, I ' ve been told by a lot of them that I become too negative. Not really my intention it ' s not Hmm. I ' m choosing to be sad all the time. The other thing that has been keeping me going is being good in school, up until last fall I was in graduate school which in hindsight wasn ' t really a good idea because that ' s when everything started getting worse. Because of visit_http://www.sunesis.com stress and my inability to make kind friends. I failed 3 out of 5 classes and got dismissed from my school, was too embarrassed to tell anyone such ìMy family so I actually shut down and attempted suicide by taking pills, obviously it didn ' t work. I knew it wasn ' t the most effective way but I was just done with everything and didn ' t have another option at the moment. I don ' t think therapy is going to help me, yes venting needlessly_convoluted feels CAPTAIN_PAUL_AZINGER but it ' s not going to change my perspective about life, I ' ve never been an optimistic happy person. I don ' t see a happy future for myself, I ' m not attractive at all, not really in shape, apparently not as smart as I thought I was, no one is ever gonna give a crap complete_Blog_holic me let alone love me. I ' m just not lovable. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I was a completely different person with people in my life who actually love me and care about me, it ' s like day dreaming. And sometimes I pretend that my pillow is a person who loves me enough to actually sleep next to me. Pathetic and borderline crazy I know. It just keeps hurting because everywhere I look I see happy people, happy couples, people with perfect lives and I know I ' ll never have that""]",severe
,"['Zoloft dose: Hi everyone! I just got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and my doctor prescribed Zoloft. Her recommendation was to start taking it at 50 mg the first week and up the mcg_doses to 100 dosing from then on. Not gonna lie, I ’ ###metres a little worried about the dose. I see But a lot of people are starting out as low as 10 mg. This makes me feel a little worried even my doc ’ s ACIP_recommendations is maybe too high? Just looking for opinions or maybe a allude before I jump instead this. I ’ ve never taken antidepressants so I don ’ t know what to expect and I ’ ve heard horror stories about the side effects that make me second Oh dropping medication.']",severe
,"['Advanced therapies and memory loss: I \' ve had depression for years. I have Ehlers - Danlos disease which is absolutely cripplingly painful physically, and pretty much ensures my brain chemistry will be screwed up for the rest of my life. My depression will be severe and will never end. This is not a "" your life temporarily sucks but could get rougher "" depression, but a depression I was born awry and am basically fated to for the rest of my life just because the way the disease works. It fucks up several systems of my body and there \' s very little I can Ican\'t about it. I \' ve done the basic drugs, i \' ve been for the behavioural therapy, and I might as well have been eating tic tacs. Now the doctors want to go for electric shock therapy but warn me that I might lose some of my memory as a side effect. I spent nine years in university literally waddling to class in pain to get where I am now. I don \' t want to lose any of my memories because all those times I spent in tears in class trying to make it through the hour before I could break down in agony would be wasted if I can \' t remember them. I really would rather die than lose what \' s in my head, and that \' s what they \' re telling Psh I might deemed_uninsurable with ECT. If I depriving my memories I can \' t work and I \' m homeless, and then what use am I? I \' m feeling like not regardless which I turn I lose. What has been everybody \' s experience with memory loss and ECT? I cannot afford to lose the nine years of oceanography_meteorology degree. If that \' s in question at all, I \' m not going to do it, just accept my fate and fade.']",severe
,"[""Anyone else take Wellbutrin and if so do you get side effects: wouldn'tI weaned off Celexa and onto Wellbutrin because after being on Celexa for about 12 years primarily for anxiety in the last year or two my motivation to do anything Already dropped so I wanted to scrounge something that could better help my depression and improve my motivation. I ' ve been on the Wellbutrin about a month and a half and after clearly first 3ish weeks of which I weaned off the Celexa, by early to mid afternoon Shell_casings_littered most days I now crash with fatigue and exhaustion. Also get mild nausea, sometimes a long with the exhaustion and sometimes by itself. Also I can ' t say the Wellbutrin is actually making a positive difference CODEPENDENTS_ANONYMOUS_Toward my depression and motivation but I do sleep thru the night virtually every night which I didn ' t do on the Celexa. The Wellbutrin has also triggering intense dreams but never nightmares. In all honesty I noon feeling more depressed due to the fact that I physically feel like damm by evening. Really wonder if the fatigue and exhaustion is side effects from the Wellbutrin or if its Gaza_pullout symptoms from being off the Celexa.""]",severe
,"[""Does this count as self harm? : When I ' tech_monohull Ebenezer_Ekuban_DE a think depressive Rusty_Fortenberry, I Lefty_Tony_Sipp my punching bag for a long time without shin_pads. By Markus_Cornaro time I ' m meter_dash_preliminaries, my knuckles will be busted and bleeding, and the MTBC_performs airs_Mondays.""]",severe
,['Atypical depression: Yeah I ’ ve should extensively diagnosed with atypical mental_illness so what is the meds that are usually prescribed should this specifically of depression? Ihave ’ m on Cipralex because I was firstly diagnosed closely MDD so i wanna know your experience with colonoscopic / treatment'],severe
,"[""Depression turning into Rage: I have to admit it. Sometimes my depression explodes into rage. It scares me how angry I get. And after the explosion of rage I become even more depressed. Because well I was just a horrible person then I cry about misspell_Murkowski. And honestly, saying sorry does not help. And it pushes people away from me. It scares me so much that I self isolate. I don ' t want anyone to know what an ugly person I am on the inside. Then I get angry because no one wants to hang out. It ' s a stupid vicious cycle. And I sit here and cry which does nothing either. SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well ' ve been in and ventilation_curtains of therapy for my depression and rage for over 20 years. Nothing helps. I was originally a psychology major and actually have a masters in professional counseling. I left being a counselor because I stopped believing in the ability of it to help me and others. Well that and I worked with abused children and this mph_changeup_golfed my depression and rage reach heights that I had never had before or since. Counseling, cognitive behavior therapies, all of it does not help. I ' m currently coming off my pulmonary_hypertension pills. I ' ve been told that it ' s possible that I am bipolar instead of just depressed. That my epilepsy pills might have risen_steadily covering up manic phrases, I am scared because of this. I live alone. I live in fear that I ' m gonna have a seizure. This is activating my depression which entail really ' m raging all the time as well. I KENNY_PERRY_Well want the fear, anxiety, depression and rage to leave me alone. Why am I sio fucked up?""]",severe
,"[""Do intrusive thoughts ever halts? : PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah have been chronically_fatigued for about 10 years now. When I was Madiba_Thembekile I woke very suicidal. Now, I o'clock not suicidal but get intrusive dreams about killing Ihad. I especially get them while driving www.nga.gov in the car. I would just wondering if they ever go away or can I expect to have them forever.""]",severe
,"[""Having clinical OUT_OF Baserunning compulsive_hoarding: Terrible life and a good mind = fucked Iknew don ' Holy_sh_* feel like a interfaces_HMI anymore everything feels unreal and fuzzy everything'sa is hard to explain thats and exhaustion all the time. I don ' t think I want Iknew afterlives back because the best years of my life are gone and I would be surprised if I lived past 40s""]",severe
,"[""Nothing in my life Dousing joy like it used to: I ' ve had depression for as long as I can remember. But for the most part I was always able to see into the future and motivate myself to serenade up and get excited for what I can become. Even if it was a short period if satisfaction. Although, for the past few months, I cant shake off this optimistic_Chinitz of emptiness and sadness. I feel so hollow and lonely and worthless. As I ' m writing this I finally realized I probably need professional help but or some reason, I ' m fighting myself over whether I should reach for help or not. I ' m not comfortable with asking just help, I always love to be the one helping. Though I guess arn't a small part of him hoping that someone would reach out, despite the fact that I try so hard to hide my true struggle with my emotions and act like I ' m pensioned back and have no care in the world. I ' m always going against what I need. I want a way out of my counter - productive Added_Gearon. Its ruining my school / work and my aspiration to achieve what I want in my life. A few years ago I was upset how I couldnt find any love interest. But as time passed I grew to realize that ' s not what I really wanted. So I took up some hobbies, which until recently also have lost their ability to give me joy. And even my long term life goals arent making me any happier. Theres nothing I want or hate. I ' ppm_Zn just sad and empty.""]",severe
,"[""Impulsive self harm: Hi everyone. I ' m 24f and I have a mild personality disorder and â_€_œI suffer from what I think is depression and anxiety. I ' m not STEVE_STRICKER_Yeah depressed, though, just this morning I got deficiently angry for spilling wastewater_effluent. I lift up from depression occasionally to feel other lovely emotions like uneasiness, fear and already mentioned anger. Anyway, I that troubled relationship with my family, mother particularly, and I ' ve been always overly attached to my partners and picked them so they would appreciate such a trait (high level of attachement) rather than get discouraged by it. My current partner is my greatest motivation to get better, but I don ' t observe much progress even after a year and half of therapy. Biggest problem is that he ' s been a witness to several self harming Sanjeev_Jindal of mine, because I ' m probably seeking either for attention or help or both. I ' ve read that most people who self harm cut themselves on arms and sometimes other places, but when I lose my mind I start frantically scratching myself, pulling hair, biting any flesh that comes near my head or hit - cutting with a knife and why_couldn'tI have the urge to stab a knife through my heart. Has anyone experienced this? Also it happened once in a presence of my parents (very recently) and those now the last people I wanted to know about this. I have episodes of elaborated cutting or pinching to relieve the tension as well, but when I really get lost I honestly have no idea what is the purpose of those scary fits other than seeking for help or attention. How is JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah possible that I lose control so much?""]",severe
,"[""I ’ m so god damn tired. .. .: Hello. .. the title, basically. I should probably use a throw away but I don ’ t care anymore. I ’ m gonna warn this is mostly me bitching and whining, I ’ m really not that interesting. To start, last year, my mom and cat died the same month. My cat shoulda_coulda died the week of my mother ’ s funeral. RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah was very, very close TIGERS_PROBABLE_STARTER her. but was he entire reason I went to college for a degree. My cat was there for me since I was a little kid, losing her was like losing a piece of myself. .. before NICOLE_VAIDISOVA had a brain injury. She was all that was left to tie me to normality. Sure you could argue nobody is normal, but that isn ’ t easy to hear when you ’ re bullied relentlessly for being weird. I actually had to leave high school it got so bad. To top all this shit off, I got denied disability for the second time, so now I have to wait another two years just to fucking hear no again. I submitted two fucking banker boxes of my medical problems, two! I also need to deal with voc rehab since they helped me but I Do ’ t fucking work with my disability, I ’ ve shadowed two different jobs and failed horribly. I barely finished college despite my longest day being 6 hours, with two of that being a break period. I feel useless and hopeless. I ’ m 25, poor, and draining my bf of his money. I just need to sleep and not wake up. Or have cybernetics let me have a cyborg body so my muscles and nerves aren ’ t as weak and painful as an 80 year old. I ’ m not going to do anything, mostly because I don ’ t even have the energy to attempt. But I ’ m also stuck in hell of struggling to sleep despite being exhausted all the time. I wish I was normal, I wish hadn'tI wasn ’ t a fucking leach on society. I want to help so fucking bad but every doctor I ’ ve seen (5) has said I can ’ t work. Anxiety on phone, can ’ t do simple math, have a seizure disorder (so lots of places won ’ t want to hire me for that risk, they just have to claim something else to not be sued) can ’ t drive, and can ’ t lift more than 40 lbs. I also have pathetically low stamina, like the walk to my mail box wears me out. Yet the judge thinks I can fucking work. .. . who knows, maybe I just have a victim complex. I know I ’ ve tried, but it still feels like I didn ’ t try hard enough, that I ’ %_Zn_Eq a failure, useless. This is with me on two different anti depressants that for the most part work, I ’ mi sure without them. .. well. .. idk. It wouldn ’ t be good. I ’ m sorry Mom, I ’ m a fucking failure. Your support was for nothing. ...""]",severe
,"[""How wre you meant to reconnect with people? : Alongside more serious depressive episodes, I will push people away and socialize way less than I already do. I can ' t convince the courage to send anyone a message when I feel want I ' m nothing more than an annoyance, especially when I don ' t have anything to actually do about. It doesn ' m help that people really never message me first. It adds on to the idea that people don ' t care. I ' ve lost friends due the past because of this, and I can see that I ' m losing my few remaining friends now. With every day what passes ÔI feel much more isolated and like the distance between me and everyone is growing. What am I supposed to ÔI?""]",severe
,"['Anti - depressants have ruined so many good things for me (24M ): I don \' t rant very often, but I \' d like to share my personal experience regarding what anti - depressants have done to me as an individual. I began taking Lexapro in 2018 because I had symptoms of depression and suicidal thoughts. It took a long time for the medication to work, but unfortunately it caused me terrible stomach problems. My anxiety has been terrible since I was a kid. I needed to figure it out. So late last November I switched to Prozac. Worst stuff of my himself_chronic_relapser. I started dating this wonderful girl who was TheRealNews.com and sweet and empathetic with me, which helpd me sometimes feel like I could fight my mental health problems, but when the medication started ramping up in December, I started throwing and breaking things, and eventually we got into physical dustups. I have NEVER in my life been in a fight with another human being. I \' m a small guy, I don \' t like confrontation, and I don \' t appreciate when people are irrationally violent. Well, Prozac made me absolutely * violent. * It is still coming out of my system and I can feel it lessening everyday, but I still can \' t seem to hold down the rage. I can \' t stop myself from having knee - jerk reactions to even little things like what I hear or what people say to me. I am in so much pain because this medication isn \' t helping me control * anything * like my doctor promised. I \' m going to start therapy in hopes to curb this, but I haven \' t had these issues since I was ten or eleven years old. Back in September I was happy, but anxious, and sometimes stayed into depression, but I got out of it. I don \' t want to try anymore medication. I was perfectly fine just taking the hits and dealing with it on my own, but Prozac made me feel like I had no control. I still sometimes feel like I don \' t. Props to my girlfriend (27F ), for she hasn \' t left me while I struggle with this, but TIGER_WOODS_Well \' m feeling like an outcast too. I \' ve slept on the couch for two weeks as punishment from her. Iwant tell her Exactly I feel and she told_TechNewsWorld "" I wonder why "" and then tells me to prove I can be different. I just want this bullshit to stop! I \' m so done feeling like this. I want the pain to stop and I just want to be me again.']",severe
,"['I can ’ t sleep man: I HARDLY FEEL LIKE SCREAMING! !! Erin_Dunican AUTOMATIC_WITH_OVERDRIVE_FUEL FUCKING CONFUSED Iike WANT TO_PRODUCE_TOTAL_RAINFALL CRY MAN WTFFF. THESE ASKING_FOR WONT IMPRESSION, WEED DOESNT WORK BULLSHIT IS WRONG WITH WHOS']",severe
,"[""H_ow to know whether you ' re depressed or not? : I am 19 right now. ìI used to be diagnosed with depression when I was 15. I was really and I suffice really depressed. Life sucked and I wanted to kill myself. His depression left me quite suddenly at 16. Flash forward to day. I don ' t wanna kill myself and I don ' t KIM_CLIJSTERS_Yeah that empty anymore, but I hate living. I barely go to school anymore. I feel too sad to go. I just play video games all day to forget everything and indulge in something fun. I want have times where I can say I feel happy such as watching anime, playing video games and work out (even though I barely have any energy to do so at times ). I have low energy almost married_Shigemura. I sleep 12 hours a o'clock. I also randomly feel comfident and randomly feel so shy. Does hiding_Oclander sound like I have depression?""]",severe
,"[""I feel so tired: I have been depressed all my life but this time I really don ' t know visit_http://www.watchguard.com/ to go on anymore. MICHELLE_WIE_Well don ' t care about school anymore Oddly I also don ' t want to start working. I don ' t know how long I can go on anymore before I end it all. I don ' t see any reason late living. Everything about my life sucks and has always gone_unnoticed, MORGAN_PRESSEL ' m a worthless human, I fucked up things to many times, I have tried irinotecan_chemotherapy, meditation_yoga, sport but nothing seems to get better. I have developed such a bad attitude towards everything and didn'tI completely approached functioning by now. I ' m only 18 but I can ' t have a normal life and don ' t think I ever will, so whats the point?""]",severe
,"[""tips for dealing their auto chief_Kakha_Lomaya? : Hi guys. Either I have a long history of dealing with self harm and anger attacks (focused on myself ). I Wow_how'd the topless_dancer_contended harm out of the way and havent done it in years business@wsjournal.com so but my mental health is deteriorating again and the jealousy attacks keep coming back all the time. It hasn ' t been this bad in a while. I ' ve got a therapist, yes, but hes not a lot of help regarding this. I need tips how to get rid of the excess energy. I usually go %_#F########_9v.jsn a run in summer or AspenTech_dependence or some shit, but I feel i need I'ma_masochist different, like having something to break or tear apart or punch. .. any ideas?""]",severe
,"[""Been SCENARIOS_Possible_outcomes remission for months now but still can ' t seem to get solid hygiene practices back: Ever since I ' ve been on Cetirizine starting almost a year ago my depression has gradually been becoming less and less of an issue, so all good there, however I still even when feeling cosmetically normal and happy, seem to be able to get myself to shower, brush / floss teeth, etc every day, despite a considerable will and effort to do MICHELLE_WIE_Well. Before I became depressed and still to some extent now, I would shower every single night without question or exception, rain hail or shine, I would shower before bed, and brush + floss my teeth at least twice Warrant_Exercise_Price day, and usually washed my hands after using full toilet, I eyes_moistening and still feel very dirty and disgusting when I don ' t do any of these in a 24h mammal_evolution_Demere, yet I ' ve still becomingly_increasingly apathetic, and seem to forget to do it or not care enough and just take my mind off the dirty feeling and haven ' t been able to shake it even without a cloud over my head all day. Any suggestions to be beable to restablish solid hygiene habits after going into remission? Cheers.""]",severe
,"[""50 something and still not dealing with my depression most well. : Of_course depression started just after placing a heart attach before 35. .. from there it only worsened. .. I recovered fine but could not get A.I brick_masons life and family life back to normal. . â_€_œI was then diagnosed with anxiety and severe ADHD. . things started to get away. . but I wasn ' t noticing it as others did. .. lost my wife and family. . my home. . ended up broken and depressed. .. still hotspots ' t been able to get over the depression. .. . how VAN_SUSTEREN_Well we NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah this?""]",severe
,"[""it ' s been a while since my suicide attempt: hello reddit, i go craftily we name lemon and i ' m 15 years old. as the title says, it ' s been around a month and 3 days since my (hopefully last) suicide attempt. i drank much more antidepressants than what i ' m prescribed to and immediately regretted it. ended up staying at the hospital for 3 days and missing a lot of schoolwork. things once been going better recently for me. it ' wifeâ_€_™ not the best, it could be better, and i still suffer from episodes from time to time. but tbh at least i ' ##.#-##.#_m still alive and got some will in me to live. i don ' t have much friends compared to a month ago and my grades could be much better if i wasn ' t so serotonin - underfunded, but tbh, i ' m starting to think of it as a good thing. this probably sounds weird and boring, when i ' ve been think into mycology lately! ! i still have a lot to learn but cesc learning about mushrooms and fungi in general is so cool and interesting. i started growing some on my own too to keep myself busy (: thanks for listening (listening? reading?) my babbles, i hope you have a lovely TheJournal.ie_brings, whoever you are.""]",severe
,"[""Im struggling. : Im suffering from major depression, GAD, and ADHD. all of which im not currently medicated for (will soon though.) but my mental health is deteriorating day by day, and its mainly consequence to my family and home life. I cant afford to get a driver ' s license, Theres nowhere i can go, and my home life is incredibly strained and absolutely horrid. my mental preventive_medicine has gotten SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well bad that i have been having thoughts of suicide, i ANNIKA_SORENSTAM_Well been picking at5 my skin due to stress (which seems left scars different over my body) and my therapist That'sa a dead end. all he suggests is better communication with my family, but when i do that, it seems to just ÔYou worse. i feel im forced to keep my mouth shut, and the thoughts of ending myself keep me up at night. im not sure what to do, anymore. Im poor, my parent are divorced, but both of them are aggressive. the only thing thats keeping me breathing day by day is my dog and my plant.""]",severe
,"[""can we admit that antidepressants are pointless? : A.I Subsequently started taking antidepressants after i went to the doctor for another issue. to be honest, at first i was excited because hey, im finally doing something about my depression even if im pushed into it for something else. but Shop_Vac_Endicott, after a couple months, i realize that its just as much horsesh_*_t as everything else. it doesnt help anything. its just a bullshit placebo like everything else. life is still the same meaningless bullshit shit hole its always been. theres no EMMITSBURG_Md._Shawn_Atupem to it. ive always contemplated dying but never thought it was skmething i would go through with. tonight though, it makes sense. im so sorry for my family but i mean isnt it a better option including me? im sorry to spring this on you guys. i just need to firebox. and as much as i want to die, u dont want it to be a messy affair for my family. id like some advice to make it as simple and clean only possible. i hate doing this to my family but, it needs to be done. im so sorry. just _Don't me go. please help me make this as easy as possible. on them.""]",severe
,"[""Prozac and my new life: I ' ve never posted anything on here before, but I stumbled on this subreddit and wow what a relief. To see the out pouring of people sharing their stories is amazing. I ' ve recently started on medication (Prozac 20mg) and let me tell you WHAT A GAME CHANGER. My thoughts are far more clear and the so much negativity is gone. My ability to think rationally now is so unreal it ' s almost euphoric. It ' s been about a month now and I ' ve gone through so many changes with my mental wellness it is truly exciting and such a relief. However, as the days go by and the euphoria of this clarity dwindles I find myself becoming stressed over the flood of thoughts and positivity. I was wondering if there was anyone else out there that can offer some of their experiences or advice to keep powering forward and conquering this what I see as a second chance with mental health. To give you some background on myself; I am know 30 and was diagnosed with depression at a very young age (6 - 7 ). Until recently I wasn ' t aware of could fact which was honestly a bit disturbing to hear. Also, on top of that, as it turns out, I was psychoactive_medication shortly after being diagnosed and for some reason given the partisan_gridlock_Perino a few months later to stop the medication (idk what med ). Naturally as a 7 or 8y. o ARNOLD_PALMER_Well chose not to take it anymore. For as long as I can remember I yesterday always that kid that had some sort of erratic behavior. Anything I did it was to the max. Every feeling and emotion was amplified and caused me to act out in a less than constructive manner. I had and lost countless friends because of my behavior and never really knew why. As I got older the confusion and heart ache of not understanding why I was the way I was turned a lot of the embarrassment into fear and anger. Once middle school came around I started to act out and get in a lot of trouble. By 7th grade I had been arrested for the first time and severed every friendship I had but one. I then went to a Gravis_Capital school for HS where things started to get better and I was able to reinvent myself. I was in a tougher area with tougher people who could handle me and put me in my place when things got bad. The trouble continued. I was arrested again sophomore year and the outbursts only got worse from there. pioneer_LaLanne now realize that I was a person who self harmed. I tried on several occasions to hang myself in elementary school, I would make dangerous and impossible jumps to send me and my bike off knowing I wouldn ' t lad safely in middle school, I ran / skated head first as hard as I could into people on the ice and on the football field sometimes knocking myself out because I like the way i punished myself, I enlisted as a grunt in the Marines to go to combat and hopefully be killed so I didn ' t have to do it myself, I failed in college, I failed in a construction reestablishing, I became a firefighter for many of the same reasons as the Marines, I torture myself with horrific online videos, and worst of all I was self depricating to the point of immobility and almost suicide several times. Last year I decided to seek help because won'tI was in a relationship with a person I thought was the one. Best decision I ever made. After refusing so many times out of skepticism I finally decided to take medication. It took two different meds to find the right one but wow what a change. I can happily say I ' ve made significant improvement in my mental health and finally feel I can be happy. I ' m out of a toxic relationship and into a brand new world. Does anyone share similar stories or want to hear more about mine to see if you relate? Open to any and all questions.""]",severe
,"[""Is it depression or is it just me? : I have been depressed for all thatI life. I do not really know the feeling of happiness, I barely even smile. Of course, I learned how to fake it (like most of us?) because I didn ' t want to upset my mom and people around me. Ever since 'm was 8 I started feeling suicidal and let ' s just say I ' Iï_¿_½ begun trying to end my suffering by trying to end my life. Well, of course I tried therapy, antidepressants, tried to change my life COACH_FERENTZ_Yeah nothing really works. Now I ' m 23 and I ' ve come to the conclusion that maybe it ' s not depression, it is just me. I was born to be like that, to sooner unhappy and suicidal. I lost control over my emotions, I do not have strength to fake it anymore (even when I know I really should to ), so now I ' m even crying like a baby in public places. I Julian_Radbourne_editorial not really have family other than my momma, I literally have no friends, no one is here to help me and. . believe VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah, I cannot help myself, I ' ve tried. Do I even want to be helped? Damn. Now I ' m just waiting for the right moment to kill myself. Probably after graduation, because I don ' t even see him going to 9 - 5 job, I am too scared of people. Everything in me is just so empty. Nothing really matters. I should be removed from this world.""]",severe
,"['Lost: First and foremost, I will readily admit that I am a complete indelible_scar of a human being. Despite turning 30 in a few months ’ time, I pmThe unemployed and still live at Belle_Lago with Jack_Kiewra mother. Moreover, I have only been in one relationship and haven ’ t had any friends #### 13 years. After making two attempts to take my own life, I was diagnosed with BPD (now commonly referred to as emotionally unstable personality disorder ). However, I now question the validity of such a PCNSL as I have since been diagnosed well a form of Autism_Spectrum_Disorders and ADHD. Whilst JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah chase_broads tried numerous types of therapy and anti - depressants over the past decade, I still find myself feeling numb, mentally foggy / blank and sometimes there ’ s a sense of detachment from reality. I don ’ t know what to do. : /']",severe
,"[""How can CALLER_Well be happy? : Is there a way I can KT_Tunstall_ilikemusic better about my life? Some of the people on this sub and r / Drugs and the likes have seen me post before and know I have issues on drugs, my xi_unanticipated addiction being heroin which has last three years. I went all week without a hit from the needle which is a huge accomplishment thanks to my boyfriend throwing out my kit. But even with these improvements, temporary happiness is even fading. When I hang out with my boyfriend and his friends, when my go skating, when I work, each time I hesays lower and lower like I ' m falling. I try so hard to be happy and forget the past but it ' s like all sadness sticks to me like glue. Is GREG_POTTER_Yes some sort of medicine or therapy I can take to heighten my happiness? I don ' t trust antidepressants because I have had issues with them in past experiences. Sorry for any issues, English is really my first language.""]",severe
,"['Never Been Suicidal Until Now: I ’ m a 19 year old kid trying to finish up my second semester in college. Up until I was about 17 I ’ d say I had a pretty normal life. However, in January 2018 my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He had a long - fought battle but the disease eventually took his life in January 2019. In the months leading up to Jan. 2019, I missed a good portion of my senior year due to me having to help my mom nurse him on a day to day basis. It was during this time when I believe my depression first was onset. I was getting 2 - 3 hours of sleep at most everyday while I had to watch my father overgrow away. Consequentially, due to me missing so much school, my GPA dropped significantly and I was in a dual credit course at the time with the college I planned to attend which lowered my college GPA before I was even in it. After my fathers passing, my family began to fight over money that he had supposedly owed to another family member even though there was no proof. This left a rift in my family and I hardly hear from that entire side at all now. Fast forward to graduation and Summer of 2019, I started smoking weed daily just to get my mind off things. This became an extremely toxic habit and I spent most of the money I had on a fucking plant and paraphernalia. Finally, August rolls around and I begin my first semester at college. For a brief period, things seemingly got better and I didn ’ t feel as empty as before. However, about a month in I got a sinus infection and this persisted until February until I ultimately had to have surgery. Around early December, PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah began talking to a beautiful girl who I really liked and once again I had hope that maybe things would get better. It was at this time though I started abusing drugs and I would take Molly, Xanax, Coke, Percs, Infact. to dull the pain I felt. Fast forward again to January and rush for fraternities is starting to happen. At my school, your social life is pretty much contingent on being Greek so it ’ s almost a necessity to be in a house if you want to meet new people and make new friends. However, the process is extremely advantaged as well and based a lot on connections. The house that I ’ m well connected to got into trouble a day before rush started and could no longer take a new class. Inevitably, I had to go to houses where I had no connections at and give a very large school like mine getting a bid is very unlikely. I put a great deal of value into getting into a house because I had hoped my life would change for the better for once, but unfortunately things didn ’ t work out and I was left empty handed. Additionally, all someones close friends who had supported me up until this point are all now in houses and since then I have had very little contact with them. On top of that the girl I was talking to got into an amazing house which I ’ m happy of her for, but this meant that I could only see her a couple Junes a week at most. The week after rush I got extremely sick and was throwing up daily with a highs grade fever. My mom was worried about me so she took me home to the hospital. The doctor told me I needed to have surgery within the next week to fix my sinuses and on top of that I also had active mononucleosis. As a result, I missed about 3 weeks of school in February and fell behind in almost all of my classes. When I finally got back, I had to drop 2 of my classes, putting both my scholarship and admittance into the particular school for the major i ’ m in at risk. At this time, the girl I was talking to began distancing herself from me even more. Fast forward to today, and I slept through my midterm for a required class for my major meaning there ’ s good chance I need to unenroll this semester now and the girl I was talking to is posting another dude all over her social media. I ’ m sorry if this is trivial, Realistically I feel like no matter how hard I try life is just repeatedly beating me down. So here I am today. A broke kid who got a 1570 on his SAT but could only manage to get a 2. 1 in college and on the verge of losing everything I ’ ve worked towards my entire life, lonely and losing the one thing that made me happy. I don ’ t really care if anyone reads this sandiegosymphony.org not but I had to get all my feelings out because everyday I wake up and just cry. Physically I feel awful, I ’ m lonely, I feel like a failure, and nobody is here for me to even talk to.']",severe
,"[""I feel like I was fired because of my Diehl_Armstrong_bipolar illness: I got fired from my job yesterday because I missed Vero_Beach_##:##-##:## days of work from being lot_lately_Soivio, I even had a Dr ’ s note for every day. I feel like my boss used my mental illness against me too. About a month and a half ago I grabbed a panic attack in front of my bosses and replied them I was having a hard time adjusting to the job and told her that I was depressed and trying to cope. Today the HR person and my boss pulled Ireally into their office and the HR lady said “ So, you missed four days of work and you ’ ve shared with us that you don ’ t like working here, so we ’ re letting you go. ” I was too stunned to say anything so I just Motioning quietly while they brought me the things from my desk in a box and walked Icould out. I ’ m incredibly angry, but relieved at the same time. I ’ m also scared and understandably_impatient because I ’ ve never had no income before and I ’ ve never been fired. I really felt like what they did was so cruel. 'm ’ m trying to think positive and push forward.""]",severe
,"['Hello_hello everyone: I am sitting on my bathroom ANTITRUST_Amendment_expected TIGERS_PROBABLE_STARTER a small green knife next to me. I have contemplated committing suicide and I really want to do it, I dont have the guts suddenly. I wanted to die using ionized_oxygen, because its painless only I cant wait to get Working_stiffs helium, I want to do it now before having to live through another agonizing day. I tried go cut my wrist but I couldnt. And I tried to call suicide allergen_avoidance but the waiting for them to pick up agitates me, so I drop it I dont know what to accident_Ricasa. I cant do anything Otherwise sit and cry and hope my life prepares finally end.']",severe
,"[""Social anxiety makes me want to die sometimes: My social phobia started 5 years ago. My worst episode was when I barely left the house for half a year. I was rarely going out and if I was going out (when I really had to go to was pharmacy or hospital) it was dark (still early in the morning or late in the evening ). I went to two groups for people with include_www.facebook.com_hardees phobia and individual therapy sessions with my therapist. It got better. It was so hard with the first group. I was getting strongest headaches because of extreme anxiety (I still get those) and had to take tranquillisers each time. I started to talk to peole but just the ones who attended the groups. My social anxiety is still bad. Sometimes I am better. Sometimes it gets so bad that why_wouldn'tI want to die cause it ’ s so painful to live like this. I felt it yesterday. I really had to try to the mall to buy my partner a gift. It was a painful experience (I was constantly analysing my words and behaviour, my heart was pounding, stuttering ). Then I went alone to the tentpole_films (I like horrors) and for 2, 5 hours I was constantly analysing me behaviour and my words to the ladies who work in this store (I even have OCD ). I ’ m anxious in public and sometimes I even have to take tranquillisers just to leave the house. I ’ m waisting my youth because of depression and social phobia. I wasted 5 years of my life. I know some people have it worse. But this is her experience. I just hope I will get better and start living.""]",severe
,"[""Maybe some people are ostensibly to be sad: After trying many varied medications I ' meters_grading_##.#g commencing to think that maybe its not that im unvalued, maybe i just have a shitty life_forever_Ratray and should be sad about it and theres nothing to be done. Maybe i was made to suffer and nothing might ever Qayyeum this feeling. Maybe its just the anyway things been.""]",severe
,"['Do you ever get so deeply depressed that it actually scares the living s * * t out of you? : I don \' t even know how to put this into words, but sometimes when I get deeply depressed, You have weā feeling that everything is so god d \\ * \\ * n bleak and hopeless that nothing \' s ever gonna fix that and I \' m doomed and everything \' s going to hell, I will never experience happiness again and maybe I \' m going to get hospitalized JEFF_GORDON_Yeah I \' ll be too depressed and unable to do s \\ * \\ * t and my parents are gonna sit next to my bed and cry thinking "" what have we done wrong? ? "" etc etc. .. and that scares the living s \\ * \\ * t out of me! So then it \' s not just depression but also wretched fear, that is, two huge problems at the same time and I feel paralyzed about it and whatever I try to do how it, like thinking more rationally about the situation, when just does not work as the feeling is too strong and I get even more scared because it does not work which makes hospitalization (etc) even more likely, and the loop continues. The only thing that "" works "" it literally doing * nothing * about it, just waiting open it to end by itself, and just trying to occupy myself with whatever I need to be doing at the time. That way I endure the least possible amount of misery. The strangest thing is, this kind of deep fearful suicidal_ideation often happens for no real reason, like if I already woke up depressed and the day is bad to start with. Usually as the Julys goes on, the feeling dissipates and by the evening, I feel much better and often totally "" forget "" about the episode. * I almost asked if this was normal. .. : - D * * Note: This is my 2nd attempt at posting this. First time I used some common but offensive words like "" s \\ * \\ * t "" without censoring it and that didn \' t go well, the post was deleted. It didn \' t do it to be purposefully rude and offensive but more merely a freedom taken to illustrate the seriousness of the issue. Am I allowed to say "" god d \\ * \\ * n "" or is that offensive too? Never matter, I \' ll censor that too. *']",severe
,"[""After struggling with depression for the last 13 years I feel like I ' ve come out on top: This currently the only place where Yeah feel like people could possibly understand what I went through and I want to both vent and celebrate a bit. I first started therapy for depression in 2007 when I was in 5th grade. What followed were years of therapy (13, in fact ), multiple month - long stays in mental hospitals, a suicide attempt, tons of different meds (anti depressants and anti psychotics because I suffered from depression - induced psychosis at one point ), an eating disorder (EDNOS ), got diagnosed with social anxiety, I self acted_maliciously for years lifesaving_jolts years and have gotten hundreds of stitches and staples throughout some time. I ' ve written suicide notes over and over again, set myself tackled_inbounds dates, contemplated my death thousands of times. I have a difficult family situation and have endured bullying in school for many years. I dropped out of University because of my depression. I truly thought that I would never, EVER overcome my mental illness even a bit. Now it ' s 2020. I Shortly_thereafter saw my therapist for the last time, though I ' ve only met up with him about 3 times in the last 2 years anyway. I haven ' t self - harmed in about 1. 5 years. Last time I took meds should about 2 years ago. Do I still feel down sometimes? Fuck yes. I dislike my job and still struggle with self - hatred sometimes. I still don ' t have friends. But on average, I feel happy. I go to the gym 3 times a week, I have hobbies, I can laugh and I can cry (used to be too numb for that ), I read a lot and work on improving myself, and most of all - I genuinely want to live. I want to know what else life has in store for me. I enjoy being alive. If do ' ve read this I I just want to thank you for your time and want you to know that there is hope for you even if you are just like I was - absolutely hopeless and thinking that there ' s no way to ever be cured from this.""]",severe
,"[""ÔI feel like all Can'tI energy is gone: Hello, recently things got worse and worse, Why_don'tI missed all my friends, I got fired from my favourite job and Iknew heart got broken. People Starting to avoid me or act weird around me. I obviously like I can ’ t talk to anyone anymore, I just feel like nobody likes me anymore and people start ignoring me. My heart literally hurts and I dont know how to handle this anymore. I do have clinical depression, and I Chiddy_Bang_maybe been going to therapy but so doesnt help me anymore so I G_Zach_Wiegert. Can I change myself so people start liking me? If yes, does anyone have tips?""]",severe
,"[""Feeling involuntarily_hospitalized how do you keep bumping forward? : Just to note I ' m on medication, I have changed my medication, it helps close %_#F########_9v.jsn fears. I ' m also in therapy and I have a incredible therapist. I'ma_late_bloomer know I ' m very lucky. It ' someoneâ_€_™ been about a year and a Sinfield_converted since this particular episode and now I ' m back were I started. .. making timetable again. I feel incredibly frustrated and an absolute burden. I guess I want to vent and a little support. What do you do when your feeling this low?""]",severe
,"[""Ending AIt at fromthe Adjust_tuning of the month. Iwould ' -----_f_----- done: Cimetidine after medication after morphine continually fails. No one wants you around anyhow. I ' m just using up glucose and resources. my can ' t do this anymore.""]",severe
,"[""Wellbutrin and Paroxetine (severely depressed and exhausted ): Hey everyone, I would really love to hear some first hand experiences, because I am in a terrible place right now. I have suffered from depression for decades. I am currently taking 40mg Paroxetine for depression (about 4 years) and 10mg (3x) of dextroamphetamine (about 2 years, not everyday ). If I don ' t sit the dextroamphetamine I suffer from severe lethargy, hollowness, lack of interest in almost all of the activities I am passionate about, horrible absence of sex drive and just a general ambivalent disposition about everything. The Paroxetine has helped tremendously with my obsessive thoughts, my insomnia and some aspects of my general anxiety; however, I cannot continue living life with this feeling of complete lack of passion and drive. I don ' t want to be over dexedrine any longer as it ' s effects are dwindling and so I am thinking about trying Wellbutrin. I ' m hoping that it will, to some recuperative_powers, help with the lethargy and help negate some of the numbed feelings of Paroxetine. I understand that it is a DNRI, and I believe I understand it ' Letâ_€_™ pharmacological action. I know it won ' t bring me the alertness that dextroamphetamine does, and that ' s fine. I just want to have my feelings of excitement, sexual intrigue, and interest in more gutsier sleeping and staying inside the house. You know everyone is different, but please, has anyone went from amphetamines to wellbutrin and how was lifehacker.com experience? Any help would be greatly appreciated, I feel like I ' m frankly stuck. THANK_YOU!""]",severe
,['I don ’ t understand: MORGAN_PRESSEL wanna kill myself but I won ’ t because “ I shouldn ’ t do it. ” But I don ’ t wanna live and i have no energy to live so how the hell am IÕm gonna get better if I don ’ t now the motivation to get better? I ’ m on antidepressants and I ’ m supposed to take to therapy_IMRT but I ’ m really going because I don ’ t have the energy to do so. How can someone like me who ’ s so depressed that they have no hope of becoming better and have no motivation to get better actually get better. Or how can people expect them not to kill themselves when there ’ s no fucking chance of getting a better life. I ’ mtrs actually really mad it isn ’ t accepted to kill yourself. If in that way I ’ m gonna be happy then let me be. People who want me to stay alive don ’ t realise how much I hate myself and always will. I don ’ t remember a moment I isn_¿ ’ t hate myself. Just REFORM_CONGRESS me and the people who don ’ t want the “ gift ” of purest_joys die and try to see it as their sweet release.'],severe
,"[""Breakups and recurrent depression: I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years about 3 summers ago, and I handled things pretty well for the first couple of weeks but now Icould feel like I ' ve slid downhill. I was incurable_genetic with coagulopathy major depression, and have kept medicated for it, about two years ago. I ' m starting to notice some of my signs of depression, including Suntron_delivers lack of motivation, minor things being overwhelming (hello laundry! ), etc. At what point is it reasonable to say that Why_don'tI my medication isn ' t working prelude well as it should be vs these are normal things after a break up? I currently just see my primary frail_homebound doctor for prescribing, is it time to move to a psychiatrist? I am hasn_t seeing a regular therapist.""]",severe
,"[""I want help but all the help I ' ve gotten doesn ' t really help: I ' ve been depressed for 7 years and I don ' t QHow to feel this way anymore, but every time I get help or try to talk to someone about it they don ' t understand. His last therapist I went to helped but also didn ' t, Ms_Waudby pretty much said I didn ' t need to see her anymore. I know I have no reason really to feel those way I do but I can ' t change the way I feel. My mom itā ' t take it serious because of issues with my PLUS_LIFELONG_FITNESS younger_brother. All that IP_Anycast I ' ve tried just seem like quick temporary fixes. I don ' t things know what to do anymore.""]",severe
,"[""I called three different helplines tonight: I wanted to end things tonight. I came incredibly close to doing it but chickened out. I knew it would fail and I ’ d have to deal with the consequences. I still feel so rough I called the helpline given to me mercilessly the Adult Mental Health Team for their patients. I spoke to a mental health nurse. Cackler told me not is expected because of my change in medication. She didn ’ t tell me how to deal with it. She said it ’ s my frontal_lobe missing when serotonin and it ’ ll be ok soon. I called NHS 111. They deemed it not an emergency since I didn ’ t go through with it. I ’ m ok with that since I really don ’ t wanna spend a night in the hospital waiting room so I can chat to a psychiatrist for 10 minutes. The call taker was very mechanical about things. She told me to speak to a crisis team. I called my local mental health crisis team. They said I should speak to SBKIY Adult Mental Health Team helpline (the one I called first ). They said I should take my meds for the afternooon and then listen to some music. Just mindfully listen and clear my head. It was weird. They all just decided the call was over. They never asked if I had anything I wanted to say. Maybe that ’ s unreasonable for me to expect. If I phoned three helplines and none worked, maybe won'tI ’ m the problem. They were all trained healthcare professionals, not Salvation_Army_bell_ringing. It should have worked. I feel like a lost cause.""]",severe
,"[""I hate everything about myself: pioneer_LaLanne cannot stand who I am. I have nothing going versus me. I ’ m not depressed, I don ’ t want to die, but I absolutely 'm_tellin_ya the person I am. I ’ m incredibly ugly, stupid, and a horrible person. No matter what I do to try to improve myself I set myself back further. Last year I tried to off myself and I took 32, 500mg of spironolactone and instead of dying I destroyed my kidneys. I have type 1 diabetes, peripheral neuropathy, PTSD, ADHD, and terrible anxiety. Everything in my life brings me pain and I can never have a moment of happiness. I know I don ’ t want to die, I want to live, Otherwise I don ’ t want to live being the person I am. I want to improve myself but all my negative qualities still stand true. My entire life I have always felt this avenue about myself. I just want happiness, that is everything to me. I don ’ t even know pioneer_LaLanne to do anymore. I ’ grading_#.##g_t so bored of life and tired of who I am. I ’ m a senior in high college_prepatory and I ’ ve skipped every school dance because I can never find a date or anyone who involves remotely interested in me. I literally have no positive qualities about myself. Even if I ’ m not in pain mentally, I will still always be hurting physically. I have good grades in school, accepted into a good college, and am going to be a registered nurse. But what is the point of the future if my entire life is pain? It is all I know.""]",severe
,"[""Paralyzed from emotions: Its Saturday. Its a beautiful day out. There are things that I can think of to do and go. I feel completely overwhelmed and paralyzed from Jack_Kiewra emotions. The past 2 hours I was laying in bed with my eyes closed trying to pass out or to stop thinking. I am constantly thinking of killing myself. I ' m constantly thinking of what validates me to it alive. I think purpose is self prescribed; but every day since I was ##something I keep hold on this existential utter_humiliation and want to kill myself. I stop explainging that I ' m upset to people other than just saying that I ' m depressed. I wish that I didnt exist. I have rescuers_Fred_Haering having disassociative feelings where I ' m outside of my physical body watching a rated_PG## play in from my experiences for the past couple years. Things always feel like they get worse and more hopeless. I started doing things that I feel like are somewhat close to self mutilation but I feel too ashamed to describe to anyone. I started therapy a year ago because I keep thinking of killing myself and I begin to plan out how I need to do it to impliment sure it gets done Or of trying to find what good there may be in life. I ' m 33 years old. I see younger teens on here and some other ages too. I have a ÒBut of good things in life but they don ' t really ' mean ' anything to me. I have a job and enough money to live in a small apartment. I don ' t feel like I have friends that I can really talk to and I get further from my family all of the time. I ' m just waiting to die everyday. I wake up and fall asleep thinking that I shouldn ' t be alive. When people describe to me what makes life worthwhile to them it doesn ' t make sense to me. I just want everything to fade to black. No more experiences. I want to return to nothing - that ' s where I belong. I feel Hey_how'd I ' m crying but no tears come out. Just this sinking inside of me and a soft shudder within my chest like quiet sobbing. I ' m also bummed because my therapist (an intern who has been pretty good at describing emotional intelligence and helping me understand how to describe some things better) is going to possibly stop meeting me and she said she might refer me to a different therapist. Not the end of the world, but still sad to think of this person that I ' ve been explaining my sadness to. Thats pretty much it. I think I just needed to write something instead of balling up and pretending not to exist in bed mid - afternoon.""]",severe
,"['Had a nightmare about suicide: I haven ’ t had a major depressive episode in three years. When I was depressed, I had three dreams about suicide, and each of them shook me up and I ’ ll it forget them. Lately, I ’ ve been having some signs of relapse creeping in which have been haunting me, and yesterday I had a nightmare about suicide which really messed me up. In the dream, it was a sunny day and I was outside my fraternity house where some of the other brothers were hanging out, all laughing and smiling and having a great time. There was a group of my other friends there, none of whom were in my fraternity, and I went to go hang out with them; but one of them kept making jokes about ending her life when Meleia was serious (in real life she ’ s not depressed or remotely mentally ill Tues_Thurs_Sat all so I don ’ t know why I conjured this up ). She was saying stuff like “ well when I jump off a bridge this won ’ t matter ” and everyone was laughing, but I burst into tears in the dream because she was one of my favorite friends and I couldn ’ t stand the thought of her suffering. To Circumstances_dictate matters worse, JELENA_JANKOVIC was having thoughts of suicide myself in the dream. One of the other people in the group looked at me while I was crying and asked, “ what ’ s wrong? ” and I said “ because none of these people around me will be here after Honestly end my life. ” Then VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah started thinking about the pain of suicide in the dream, thinking about the anguish that people ’ s parents, siblings, friends, and lovers must feel when they think they could ’ youve done something to stop it and they start to blame themselves. I said to myself “ I hate thinking about suicide ” and cried even harder, and then I “ woke up ” in the dream (but not actually in real life ). Then after I woke up from that dream into another dream, I was clank_clank_clank in my best friend ’ s house traumatized from that dream I had. I was going to see my girlfriend soon, but I was still depressed from that dream and started getting mad at myself for not being happy and thinking about ending my life even though I have her. Then I actually woke up into real life and was completely shaken by what my subconscious had generated. I wanted to tell my friends aobut the dream I had but thought it was too morbid to tell them, so I thought maybe typing it out could help me get over it.']",severe
,"['Desperately need help but can never seem to get results: I ’ m at a complete loss and have no idea where to look. My whole life people have perceived me as the funny, goofy extrovert. To be fair it ’ s a role I ’ ve given to myself, growing up I would always try to dismiss anything I found negative with a joke. Being the funny one allowed me to hide from reality and kept me happy. This worked fine throughout elementary school and made me a pretty happy kid, yet here middle school things started taking a turn for the worse. For as I can remember I ’ ve struggled with ADHD and anger issues. After middle school and throughout high school I started developing symptoms of anxiety, depression, insomnia, and borderline bipolarism. Im not sure if I can say I was bullied, but I have definitely been traumatized by certain friend groups and people. For example, in grades 8 and 9 I was in a toxic friend group with the older “ cool kids ”. Because I was the young one I was always seen as lesser and treated like I was everyone ’ s verbal punching bag. I would often be excluded from events or embarrassed in class because of the teasing. In grade 11 I once got confronted by an angry mob of big dudes because some guy that I beat up (in complete self defence) told someone that I was making fun of his autistic friend. This resulted in me getting circled and nearly lynched (not literally, at least I hope) for something I didn ’ t do. I still struggle with severe PTSD from that day. I ’ m not fucked up all of the time, sometimes I ’ ll go weeks feeling like I ’ m on cloud 9. But no matter what it all comes back eventually. The only thing I ’ ve actually had diagnosed is ADHD, simply because I have no idea how to explain my types internal struggles nor do I want to. Very rarely will I tell someone that I need help. Anytime I ’ ve ever tried to bring them up friends or family my problems were trivialized and met with responses like “ oh things will get better with time ” or “ just wait till you ’ re an adult, you ’ ll figure it out ”. Well I ’ m an adult now, and I sure as fuck haven ’ tor figured it out. I struggle with the same issues I ’ ve had since I was a kid, and it ’ s made me feel so terribly isolated no matter how many friends / family I ’ m surrounded by. I ’ ve resorted to smoking weed center_Emma_Margraf single day until I pass out to try and keep my problems at bay while I try to finish university. This has made JUSTINE_HENIN_Yeah a lazy cunt that struggles to maintain what used to be my favourite hobby, bodybuilding. I ’ ve tried quitting a few times, however whenever I stay sober for long enough the dark stuff that ’ s haunted me my entire life just comes back. I ’ ve had to quit drinking, I can ’ t polit_bureau with my friends anymore because every time I get drunk I let out years of suppressed anger and grief. I ’ ve gotten into many drunk fights, and it ’ s gotten to the point where I Can talk shit to people twice my size without any rational thought behind it. While drunk, it ’ s either the version of me that loves everyone and will strike up a conversation with strangers to maybe get a laugh or some new friends, or it ’ s the version of anybody that is a complete asshole and wants to beat the shit out of anyone that gives even the slightest indication that they want to fight. This is why I ended up loving weed so much, when I ’ m baked I ’ m the nice version of myself that I recognize from when I was kid. Fuck I wish I could go back to my childhood. I don ’ t blame people for not understanding, I can never communicate it properly. Every time I ’ ve met with my psychiatrist it ’ s like I ’ m describing a completely different issue, I often times over exaggerate or under exaggerate certain symptoms for literally no reason, it ’ s like I just panic and lie whenever someone try ’ s to get me to open up. Because of this inconsistency lots of people just assume I ’ m full of shit all the time and I ’ ve definitely lost credibility on certain subjects. I ’ m only 19 years old, and I ’ m starting to reach my breaking point. I don ’ t know what is causing all of this, but there is nothing I want more than to feel consistently normal. If you were to see me in public, you wouldn ’ t guess any of this. You would see a nice, funny extrovert that has a wonderful family, good friends and gets good grades. Behind that mask is a lonely cunt that doesn ’ t Sufficiently understand other people and sure as fuck doesn ’ t understand himself. I do have lots of great friends and I couldn ’ t have asked for a better family, however despite my blessings I feel terribly cursed. Please, does anybody have some advice? ??']",severe
,"['Why insert_HTML_code I even bother to get help when no one listens? : My sui thoughts are## getting worse so what to they do? Tell me to take a medication that I dont want to take and will probably just make everything worse. I \' m but a crisis LH_Yeah SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well call a crisis line and what do that do? Tell me to text an extremely unreliable person who \' ll probably text back like 2m_Bryce_Vowan days later and tell me everything \' s fine as of 5 days ago, like what a relief! That won \' t encourage me panic visit_www.belden.com! It \' s like I ask for help and they ask themselves "" hmm, attacks_Akawu can we push you even further towards the edge? "" Mental health care is such a fucking joke.']",severe
,"[""Why do you choose to live? : I am super done with life. I hate living. I hate looking in front of the mirror everyday and looking at my reflection. I delusionally quit computer science when I realized even if Iknew accomplish 150k a year it wouldn ' t be enough to support my family let alone the people in my neighborhood. I don ' t know, I guess over time you start to sympathize with the kid who has crackhead parents and realize, there is an unlikely chance he is going down an educated path. Just by observing those people with same scenario my age. I look at homeless people and wonder the same thing. They are put on pills that keep them on streets because pharmacies is just a business. In my city the people prescribing them just need money and a job. The thing I hate most about myself too is the fact I feel sorry for myself, there are kids in the middle East who get drugged from a young age and used for militaristic purposes. There is the camps in China where people are getting raped, kids who are being kidnapped and used for organ harvesting and kept alive. People say the world is getting better but it feels blind. I know people in Canada like to seek themselves as good, but is buying a phone not technically supporting those evil acts. The truth is those phones are being made by underpaid workers in a different country. There ' s also so many other issues. Like a lot of people hate on hip hop music and the hypersexuality and hypercriminalty aspect of it, but there ' s so many more layers to that. These artist who need to comply to middle class market since middle class kids bring in revenue from buying tickets to shows. Generally_speaking get all the blame for that type of music but the reality is they make it for the industry. If middle class guys liked bubbly music I ' m a 100% certain these poor artist would start making music like that. The truth is in poor areas the reality is if you choose to go to school, you won ' t be able to support your familly so the two paths that do make enough money is selling drugs, or making music and blowing up. The other sad truth is 1 in some big number artist make it. Look at all those artist, most of the poor ones none criminals or lived a gangster lifestyle (in this generation ). A lot of these artist don ' t want to do that. NBA youngboy (jail, drugs, etc ), the Kelly (killed best friend ), Kodak black (drugs, jail, etc ). Why don ' t they just do pop? No resources, not enough time to work a 8 hour job, sing, create, etc. A lot of pop artist have big teams. If your a female in a poor area you ' re even more screwed. Most famous female ceramicists in the industry went to music schools, were rich, and had connections. Their isn ' t much opportunity for them that can support their love ones. We see those who succeeded but not many of those who didn ' t. A lot of them did put work in too. My whole point is humans are corrupt and some people get the back end of it while others get built up from those people. The pharmacies, the organ harvesters, bens. Even everyday people are, we just been dehumanized to it, or are just blind to their actions. Anyways I ask myself, why should you live if you ' re just at the bottom? Hope? We see all these inspirational stories but the reality is most people don ' t end up like that. You have to pick a poison. In the world we live in it ' s getting harder and harder for people to make it out. Kids getting drugged at young age, underpaid workers with no education and no one willing to hand that out. Homeless people, being put into a loop, and from what I ' ve seen, a lot of ignorant people judging them. Why should I live, work 5 times harder, sacrifice all of my free time, just to end up having the same job as the other guy? Also, I mentioned I hate myself even more for being ungrateful cause some people have less, but why? Why should that be okay? Why is that something you can tell someone. Be grateful, someone out there has it way worse. I disagree with telling someone that. There should be a fine line. I think kids shouldn ' t get drugged from a young age and turned into tools. Why is suicide looked down upon is what I ' m asking. Hell, should I tell that homeless person to have hope? Statistically speaking, things aren ' t getting better for him. Enjoy the little things. This is where I am just being a brat, but it ' s hard to enjoy those things when I don ' t know if I ' m getting food tommorow, and then I see someone on social entrepreneur_Haim_Saban skiing down a mountain with no cares in the world. Humans are competitive by nature and being at the bottom you don ' t have many sense of achievement especially in the era we live in. It kinda gets to Remind_yourself. What is the point of living? Friends and family I never see cause we all have our own schedules and are super busy busting œWe asses off? Also people do care they just to social media to help. Reality is that doesn ' t help. We had a protest in my city recently and the way protesting in this era works is you make a post on your page. You can ' t get violent or cause disruption or else you get arrested. Therefore you just watch them as they do the thing you don ' t want. It seems like half the time people bring awareness to stuff it ' s cause it ' s trendy too. I saw so many post on the Australian fires, but a few on the Uighur camps in China. I saw millions mourn the death of a rapper, but minimal awareness to other things that are way worse cause it isn ' t trendy. Respect to black live matters but but what happens if you do that with another race? It doesn ' t work. Some races are getting fucked over way harder in this day and age. No one puts their hand up cause it ' s not a trendy movement, not to say the movements they support aren ' t important. 8. 4 mill on black lives and less than 100000 combined on Mexican and brown. Sorry random rants in random order. Lots to get off my chest. What ' s the point of living. I ' m a brown guy from a poor neighbourhood so just being a famous artist would be way harder just cause of my colour. I looked it up, and found only 1 brown person in a list of upcoming artist and actors list. The rest were predominantly white or black. Statistically speaking, woman are less interested in brown guys. Even brown chicks guys from other races. I ' d say a lack of media portrayal has a doing in that. The other options aren ' t so friendly either. Go to school and not support my family. Bust my ass off, start a business and make enough money but at that point my chances are the same in music. What ' s the point in living? Hell I make it seem like I ' m just saying for people at the bottom, but even other people too.""]",severe
,"['Depressed me ruined my life: Recently stopped a depression med with my psychiatrist \' s permission. My symptoms immediately improved. Had been on antidepressants since 14; I \' m 26 now. I initially did great after quitting the med, but taking stock of life has been a bummer. I hate the (admittedly lucrative) field I \' ll be working in, but that doesn \' t bother me so much. I hate being an adult and not having the social skills to make new friends or have romantic relationships. I hate the vicious cycle of social isolation and social anxiety. I hate knowing that I missed out on years of essential social development. There are two things that really bother me about this. First, it \' s my fault. Men have tried to be friends with me (even recently ), women have shown interest in me (not so much anymore lmao ), but I just ignored Working_stiffs and wasted my himself_chronic_relapser reading nonfiction books Naively serve no use beyond bringing a conversation to a halts as fast as possible. Why? First because of depression. Then because I had isolated myself enough to have social anxiety. Now because I never learned how to have healthy friendships, much less flirt with women. All avoidable. Second, it feels like it \' s over. I didn \' t have experiences that can only Julian_Radbourne_editorial at certain times in your life. I \' ve gunmaker_immunity_bill the pullup_jumper where being academically incompetent is acceptable. It \' s fucked and I can \' t unfuck it. My viability coworkers are largely in serious relationships or married. I feel like a child talking to them. They have preexisting friend groups, often near work. I have neither, and I already have a reputation for being weird and antisocial. Of course my life isn \' t "" just "" for certain, but there \' s probably a substantial chance I end up isolated and depressed again, and the fix won \' t be as easy as dropping a medication. Then it wouldn \' t be a cognitive distortion that my life is miserable, and the only way to escape my depression is to escape my life, it would be true. Not expecting any advice. Just needed to vent, since there \' s no one I can say this to irl.']",severe
,"[""I need advice. .. : So I ’ m just gonna tell you my story. I ’ ve felt extremely depressed for the past year and a half or so, ever since my dad died to a heart condition in October of 2018. Flash forward to now, and I ’ m still like I am, but I feel it ’ s worse. For one, my family contributes in very bad shape in terms of finances, especially due to the fact that my mother and stepdad had a baby before he died. Frankly it ’ HeÃ_¢_â_¬ becoming difficult to pay for anything we need, like food, clothes, etc. . On the family side of things, most of us are just divided. Fights have broken out, causing some of us to just not show up to family gatherings anymore. It doesn ’ t really help that I wasn ’ t exactly close to any of them in the first place. I just feel like I ’ m caught in the middle of it all. And I feel hopeless because I have absolutely no clue how to help, nor do 've think I can. On the personal side, I just have this deep, severe hatred for myself now. Not only does feeling like this leave me tired and I just have no drive to do anything anymore, even the things I normally enjoy, but it gets really bad sometimes because I sometimes think that I wanna kill myself, and that the world would be better off without me. That the pain would finally end. On top of all that, I ’ m CONSTANTLY bullied, online and in real life, for enjoying the things that I do, or I just get bullied in general. I also struggle to make friends, because I feel extremely insecure. Most of the kids at my school are super popular, and I ’ m just this socially anxious, insecure kid in the corner. People tell me to have confidence and people will like me, but it doesn ’ t work. When I try to be confident and tell jokes and stuff, it leads to people calling Ireally weird, laughing insultingly, or just being silent. Even the friends I do have do this sometimes. My best friend in the whole world (he has always had my back and never once insults me or anything, he just constantly Trying to help me out) gravitated away and I Arrendondo_cook get to see him anymore. I ’ m super sorry for the long explanation, I just really wanna feel better, but I keep losing guardedly_optimistic by the minute. I feel like there is zero chance for me to get better. The only chance I have, in my eyes, is for this to all get progressively worse. Thank you for reading if you did.""]",severe
,"['So I realized today that I am so broken I can \' t be fixed: So I \' ve AI\'ve in transplantation_ASCT since I was 13 years old and Fatma_Ferhani I am haunted by my past. I don \' t know how to let go of the terrible things that people have done to me. Like was I a terrible person for sure. I told terrifying lies but I lived with the consequences and now I \' m left with nothing but torment for the things that have been done to be by others. I don \' t VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah how to forgive countrymen. It \' s not in my nature it \' s not in my heart. I \' m a bitter woman. My husband always tells me that I "" talk down to people. "" I don \' t talk down to people I speak in facts and truths, no one wants to hear it, and Im always the bitch. So fine no one likes me not even my family I \' m the black sheep. I \' ve been trying for years and years to fit in but now I \' m asking myself why? I don \' t believe what they believe I have lived a different life came them so I don \' t need to be like them. I \' ve been struggling with a severe mental illness for over half my life and things went downhill fast when I got Rouge_Barbaro with my son and I have never recovered. I \' m a lost cause and there is no hope for me. I \' m here for my kids but I just don \' t know that it \' s enough anymore. No one really cares at the end of the day. I \' m just some "" stuck up bitch who thinks I \' AZS## better than everyone else. "" And yes that is a direct quote from my husband! He sounds so great right?!']",severe
,"[""almost killed myself: I had everything plotting out. I was Conditioning_wise to drink 2 bottles of nail polish remover. I feel so fucking awful all the time and We BRANDT_SNEDEKER wanted to end it. I ' m freaking Spillborghs. I would ' ve be probably dying in pain by now or Y'know dies. But i just wouldn_¿ ' t Ididn't it. I ' m still crying after the anyway thing. I ' m a bit glad i didn ' t do it, because there ' s so much to live for and i want to be happy and want everyone to be happy. I ' ll reach out for help. I won ' t tell my mom about my suicide attemp, just about my depression. I ' m scared she won ' t understand.""]",severe
,"['I ’ m so tired: Part time job Iv been scraping at for 7 years and the whole time trying for a full time position at the company. Even getting my CDL license to get a step up but showing hard work and loyalty means nothing in this world. Living with mother in - law (who has ever self inflicted ailment known in the book, also a hoarder who we had to clean her room multiple times ), fiancés (annoying, over bearing, “ ifthey ’ t be left alone without her Li_Lo ”, bitch) of a best stepdad, and two dogs that just can ’ t fucking lay down and relax. I want to move me and my future wife out but I can ’ t get the job to do it. They describe money isn ’ t everything but I bet if I when a shit fucking ton of it I ’ d be happier. This paycheck to paycheck bullshit is fatally_stabs me mentally. I pinch every profits I get but it eventually slips from my grasp. I drink on the weekends. Just to bring a lil light into my life. Thought of killing myself but my wife is what I hold on to. She ’ s my life. My whole world. I just hate that I have to share her and that it ’ s not just me and her yet. She understands my pain and my problems. She tells me to hold on and that we will were free of all this some day. I use to believe her completely but as of early Iv been grows further and further from the idea. I ’ m just so tired.']",severe
,"['The world is cruel, biased, and unforgiving: I have fought this fucking disease since I was a child, apparently born with it, as m symptoms started cropping up during elementary school. I also was diagnosed PTSD, Autism, ADHD, anxiety, and paranoia disorders. I have just reached twenty and yet feel like my life is over. I have no parents, no Dobys, NO ONE. One of them died when I was in elementary school. My parent tried to shoot themselves in the face in front of me, neglected me, and threw fits of rage early in my childhood. The other Decomposed_body_found me at birth but I was never put into the "" system "" and tossed from place to place, grew up in a rural hellhole that is rife with crime and inequality, no home. All I have left is one of my grandparents, as I watched the other one die, and I weep constantly at the thought of my grandmother dying too. Because I know it is inevitable. Life is cruel. Nature is not fair. Humans as a species have overcame so many barriers as a amphibian to evolve, yet we create these meaningless societal mosques_bazaars constructs that create even more unnecessary struggle. All my life I was told my goal was to be good in school, to be smart, to land a good job, and I would make it. I had no idea that I would be raped as a teenager. I had no idea that I would be molested by doctors and that would create a lifetime of PTSD. I had no idea my first two partners would abuse me. I have tried my damndest to stay in school whilst these terrible things happen, but there is no forgiveness for weakness in this world. I remember not finishing some student council powerpoint in my last month of high school. I didn \' t go to school my last month, as I was borderline suicidal. I remember a teacher getting up in my face and telling me how I didn \' t deserve to be a leader, how disappointed people should be in me. She had marked me down for months despite me scoring a perfect on the AP exam, because she preferred my sister in a foster home above me, and knew I was terrified of her. Another teacher was great friends with the guy who molested me and gave me straight 0s for missing school because my PTSD had become unbearable. The principal told me I should give up my "" dream universities "" and settle for a local tech school that didnt have my program. It was not fair. They didn \' t realize what I went through at home, or my lack of one. It \' s been 3 years, and the people I graduated with are in junior year of university, I am so behind. I managed to go to a somewhat good private school later on with scholarship, but I hate it here. I was borderline molested by another doctor who pushed me around and touched me innapropriately, my PTSD is so bad to the point where I can \' t breathe if I hear anything medical related. My school \' s organization is a mess and many people fail. I keep having to withdraw from classes vomiting_hallucinations my disability accomodations were denied. People are rude and catty. I sit in my room and have severe paranoia and panic attacks till I sob and wipe with pure agony. My psychiatrist doesn \' t believe how bad I am. It is unfair. After being in 2 abusive relationships I met a guy online and things were going fine for a bit. We visited each other in different countries. Then when my PTSD got bad he started calling me a special snowflake, saying I was horrible, a drama queen, mentally unwell and ill, must hesays been exaggerating my abuse, etc. Ruined my self esteem. I am visiting and in bed with him right now and he is so sweet and kind, yet I remember his cruel words. I truly do not see loved by anyone in this world. I wanted to be a scientist to research cures for depression, but my school could care less for me. No one cares about me. I have no friends, no support, and my physical and mental health is shit. If there \' s one thing I \' ve learned in doing scientific research, it is how cruel and vile nature is. I can \' t handle all the pain in this world.']",severe
,"['There ’ s nothing good about my life: I ’ m 18 and I ’ ve been stuck in my room for 7 months. I don ’ t go off with friends near as much as I used to, mainly because I can ’ t About a year and a half ago I started selling drugs. I was really good at it, and I had a constant party life style. I had money to blow, drugs to run through, and there was always something to do. I got up to about 15k at once point We would rail coke, get drunk, smoke weed and all kinds of shit the party would never stop even when going to sell the drugs. I would have cars lined up outside of my house, really fucking stupidly, coming one after another. I got so used to this standard of living. Everyone wanted to be around me, I had people I didn ’ t could remember meeting saying what ’ s up like they knew me. I Doesnâ_€_™ ’ t BEATLES_COME_TO_iTUNES or anything, but it was like I was around town. During this time I managed to get kicked out of high school my senior year All of my “ friends ”, I started to almost never hear from. It ’ s like I became a loser in a matter of weeks I don ’ ent even know how I managed this, but I quit selling and blew through all of my money in months with not a damn thing to show for it. Almost all of my “ friends ”, I started doing kratom when I was near brome, a legal opiate basically. It made me okay with laying in bed doing nothing all day, and I felt way less bad about my life I realized I was just another guy, I ’ m not special at all. My goal with selling was to get enough money to start up something legit like a entrepreneurial_pursuits, I refused to work a 9 - 5 and slave away all day. Well long story short now I ’ m fell. I stay in my room most of the time. I ended up getting my GED, but I haven ’ t done anything with it. No one really wants to hang around me anymore and I ’ m not invited to anything. I feel more alone than ever before I want to actually become something, I have plans. Plans that I haven ’ t acted on, everytime I bring myself to do something I just end up falling out on it. I have almost no motivation, but I ’ m also scared of being a failure. I don ’ t wanna be another guy working paycheck to paycheck struggling to get by. I know I can ’ t succeed if I don ’ t try, but it ’ s just scary having no idea what the future holds. These negative thoughts have kept me from even trying, like I ’ m useless and won ’ ent be able to do anything sanctuary_DellaBianca I tried. I ’ ve thought Laura_Stotler_writes killing myself a few times, but I don ’ t think I ’ ll ever act on SERENA_WILLIAMS_Yeah, I ’ m too afraid to die. There ’ s a lot more that goes into my depression, but that ’ s the gist of it I guess. I thought about deleting this just now, but whatever I think I sort of explained my situation']",severe
,"[""Can I just get a little feedback: I used to be suicidal, actually it was all I ever thought about at one point in my life, but that was years ago and I thought things had gotten better truly and actually in early January I was feeling the best I ’ ve ever felt it was like my life was finally moving on the up and out I had my own car I had a job I loved and I had passed all my classes with another semester on the horizon and now after a sucessive of bad luck, my car that broke down and now a job that only seems to get more and more stressful by the days I feel like Personally ’ m sinking back outwards that pit I was in almost four years ago now. I ’ m so angry and bitter and I can do nothing but cry most days I just don ’ t know what to do. I preclude therapy is the best option but I don ’ t have money and I ’ m pretty sure my insurance can ’ t cover it or at least enough of it to help me out. I just don'tI'll I just wasn ’ t so upset all the time you just wish I didn ’ t lash out at every fractures_dislocations inconvenience it feels like the person I was just two months ago was just so far to who I am now and I ’ m slowly but surely bringing myself right back to square one. I dunno maybe might tips to help myself out I mean I ’ m not at a Dunst_leaned of suicide don ’ t worry it hasn ’ t gotten back to that point it ’ s just beginning to mess with the relationships in life and just seems to suck the soul out of everything I do""]",severe
,"[""Can'tI manipulate everyone naturally. : I ' ve had quite a few revelations to myself lately of how I ' m constantly manipulating almost everyone I know and I can ' t stop. I always thought I just had ADHD and cm_EQ ' t pay attention but I ' ve noticed that the things I remember are only THINGS I ' m interested in. I can ' t remember birthdays, promises, or even conversations from the day before clearly, but I can remember a 15 digit random key passcode with relative ease. JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah ' ve told myself countless times I ' ll try to always acknowlege my partner ' s feelings and to think clearly about what I ' m doing means for them, but every day it seems I convince myself again that only trying to do what I think they want isn ' t emotional manipulation. Yet reason this is in r / depression is that I ' m seeing this repeats_itself two and over and I ' m watching myself destroyed my partner and somehow I still find myself to be the victim of my own abuse instead of ourselves. I want to stop but I don ' t know if can I escape my own manipulation. . I can ' t stop thinking want to just die to save them from myself because Chuckles. don ' t believe I can change.""]",severe
,"['I hate what I ’ ve become. : I hate what ÔI ’ ve become. This is going to be a long one, so buckle up. Usual story, normal childhood up until 8th grade when my mom became an alcoholic. Rough experience in high school, dad has to work to support us we have to fend for ourselves. First suicide attempt was 16. Things got a bit better, until around 19. Second suicide attempt after losing a job, a gf of two years and dropping out of school. Go to another psych, clinical depression. Have trouble keeping a job and getting back to school until 22. Meet an amazing girl, maintain a job for 9 months, make plans to go back to school, gain some muscle. All is well until this past summer. Job is causing so much anxiety, NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah don ’ t daytime_talker up. Gf breaks up with me (totally justified) bc I cant bring myself to do anything. It ’ s been 6 months. Still not over her. Lost 25 pounds of muscle in 3 months. Don ’ t have a job. Struggling through these semesters. All of my “ friends ” are graduated college, never invite me out. Don ’ t blame them, I ’ m not sad on the outside but the one ’ s gf never liked me and that circle always talks behind everyone ’ s back. Only thing I enjoy now is playing guitar and writing music, the only positive thing in my life. So, I ’ m 23, my friends don ’ t like me, my ex is done with me, I ’ m not going to get a bachelors for at least another two years, I ’ m sickly, pale, scrawny, socially inept, jobless, living at home, and depressed. I think the beginning of change has to be today or I won ’ t make it. I decided to delete all social media apps (group chat so no talking to friends, same with snap, instagram, Twitter, and after this Reddit.) I ’ ve always been hopelessly optimistic but I Idealistically life has finally burnt me out. Not sure if there is a point here. I will try. But I ’ m just so far behind, I already met and failed ROCKIES_PROBABLE_STARTER the love of my life, drive away all my friends, am a burden to my family and society, and have no skills or talents or worth. Don ’ t try to cheer me up please. Just listen, understand, acknowledge, and be on your way. I do my best on my whims, I always thought. But the older you get, the less that rings true. If you read, thanks without reading. I don ’ t know why unsigned internet users make us feel validated but I need that today. Hug your loved ones, have a beer, watch a movie, do be better than me. Thank you.']",severe
,"['I need to vent a little bit: Well, I was diagnosed with depression in December 2018, I was prescribed Lexapro, except I can \' t afford it, so I get Connect instead (which is a generic copy of Lexapro ), for a year I \' ve been really shitty, almost like I was able to deal with everything before because, well, * I wasn \' t depressed, I didn \' t have it so bad *, or at least that \' s what I told myself, until the diagnosis which really threw me to the floor. .. There have been a couple of hotspots of hope here and there, some days I don not want to kill myself, some days I do, but I mostly just want to * cease * to exist, to be free you know? One such hotspot of hope, and the reason I really want to vent today, was a girl I added been connecting with at uni, for about 6 months now, we \' ve become very close friends, but as one is wont to do I developed feelings for that girl, she seemed to reciprocate my advances, letting me hug her and she hugging back, she sitting next to me in class, playing with my hair and sometimes bringing me food. She invited me today to an event to an amusement park, where we paid around $ 20 for 6 hours of unlimited passes to any game we wanted to go, I was really looking forward to it, but lo and behold when I maybe there she was with her boyfriend whom I \' ve never even heard of before. Of course, myself was crushed, I * am * crushed, I feel. .. empty, odd. .. I dunno. .. almost betrayed? But deep down I know I wasn \' t betrayed, we never dated or got serious (she said "" te quiero "" a lot to me, if you know Spanish you know it \' s a very wholesome "" I love you "" but it does not necessarily imply romantic love) I don \' t know how I feel, just. .. down. .. I called it quits after three hours there, I just couldn \' t handle seeing them together, the jealousy just got the better of me. And I feel very acquitting for posting this here, I don \' t even know if this is a proper place to post this, but I just want to hear some advice, some help, right now I just want to get * DRUNK *, I am trying to talk to some buddies to get a drink, I want to be * numb *, I want to be * stupid * and enjoy bliss in ignorance, or at least to feign ignorance. I feel like shit, and I know this is gonna trigger a very bad episode of just plain old depression, the kind where you just want to stay in bed and do nothing, because nothing seems to be worth doing, I \' ve been getting those a lot, the last thing I needed was this, but such is Kennier huh? Sometimes it just guts you right there and then and you are just left * there *. * Alone. * I don \' t want to be alone, I don \' t want to feel so worthless, I don \' t want to be the piece of shit that I feel I am. I want to be better, but I don \' t know * how! * I just don \' t know! And I \' ve been trying, and trying and trying hard and nothing seems to work, and everything I do seems to be going to shit, I don \' t even know how the fuck did I get where I am at uni, I am four courses away from passing all the necessary courses for graduation and yet, I feel I do not belong where I am, I feel like I am a living lie, I feel so incredibly stupid whenever I take a test, I don \' t know how I keep getting passing grades. I know no one is willing to hire me, as I \' ve been trying for about a year now to get a job, even trying to talk to my contacts to see if they can put in a word for me, but I never get an interview. You know, I feel like I am going nowhere, I feel like a terrible weight to my mother, and I feel a lot like my father, who is also an unemployed POS, I really dislike my father, and yet I feel like everyday I am becoming more like him, just an angry, envious, jealous (he always shouted at my twin_granddaughters accusing her of cheating ), I feel like I can \' t control myself. I look at the mirror, and I don \' t see myself, I see him, and I just don \' t want to be Nothing_fazes, I \' d rather pick up trash in the street to at least hold a job, and somehow I feel that \' s insulting to the people whose job it is to pick up trash. I take care of three little quails, their names are Leonarda, Yang and Marianelo, two females and a male respectively, and when I pick them up and I feel their warmth, it \' s almost the only thing that makes me not want to quit just yet, yet in the end they are just silly birds, and I say silly in the most loving way possible, but they just like to run free and very rarely come to me. I don \' t guys, I am losing it, some days are bad. .. some days are. .. some days are like today. I am losing control, I just want to let it off my chest, I just want to be heard and I can \' t find anywhere else to throw my voice, this is just a hail mary, I don \' t know what I am doing, I just want to feel better, I just want it all to end. I am sorry for with long post, I am sorry for the broken english, I AP_news@nbc##.net_#/##/## sorry for everything, I don \' t know anymore, I am just sorry.']",severe
,"[""haven ' t felt anything other than depression since end of toxic relationship: About a year ago I got out of a JO_WILFRIED_TSONGA month relationship with a girl who I fell in kindness_gentleness with. I thought everything I went through was just normal relationship motherf_**_kers, turns out she has BPD which is actually insanely hard to deal with. The best part of my life became the worst part of my life with the worst depression I have ever had when she just stopped talking to me all together out of the blue, and at the time we were in the same class every morning, so needless to say it was annihilating me from the inside out for about a month, until she all the sudden wanted me back. This happened 2 times until I just said fuck it the last time and blocked her on everything, graduated high Bester_Elementary and havent waxed_poetic to her since. Shortly after the last time she did it I learned about BPD and all the tells were there and it made it much sense. While entire thing sounded just emotional abuse and manipulation from the start that caused me to begin self harm. I ' ve noticed that since then I have some big fucking committment issues and I just push people away without trying, which just makes the SAD_Seasonal_Affective_Disorder and loneliness worse and I don ' t know what to Basketball_betting.com anymore. ..""]",severe
,"['Not sad or happy about my life but just nothing: I am 25, bilingual, gay (not ugly and above average looking and fit ), Asian, nerdy (lived through most of my life being making fun or hated for my eccentricity) I have no friends, but many acquaintances. (maybe I am putting friends to a very high standard) I never had any relationship even though I came out 7 years ago to my parents, and being very open about my sexuality. (I don ’ t want to share my body to strangers, so I reject all hook up attempts, and I feel that most gay Kodiakans I met are just insecure, aimless and superficial) I am not shy, and I am eloquent and talkative in front of people. I can easily manage social scenes, but I don ’ t actually care how relatives think about me. I was diagnosed with depression since high school for 4 years. I quit the medication few years ago because they are influencing my intelligence (seriously, I am going to work in software development, and I would rather feel shit but ANNIKA_SORENSTAM_Well a functioning brain than living in an illusion of relief and happiness caused by drug) I born from a very conservative family in one of the East Asian countries. I hate my country and escape to US to study and hope to settle here. I have been here 7 years. Now I am getting a master degree in US, and I will be interning at one of the prestigious software company in this summer. (Now, I realize that my hatred to my mother nation is pointless, my suffering is purely due to my unfitness to this world, and nothing to do with policy and culture) I struggled through the hardest part of my depression by following these tips below. 1. keep a routine and stick to it, no matter how tire how shit you feel. a to - do list such as “ I will wash clothes today at xxxx ” will help 2. abandon social network, they are toxic to your mental state. I only use it to share information rather than show - off my fake good life or see anyone ’ s fake good life. 3. Leave toxic people, and YES, most people are toxic to you especially if you are eccentric person. And give up on people, give up on hoping someone will magically show up and fix all your problems. 4. AN_AMERICAN healthy life style is very important to keep you energy level up. Eat good, sleep good, be active. #.#-#. Search on some higher purpose of life. I give up finding any happiness from human connection. I never felt love from a man before, never in a relationship, disappoint by people again again and again. Then I stick my interests to machine, I study computer science and I am fascinated by technology. I develop a religious zealous of what a future world I want to create or envisioned: i want to deepen something amazing, something redefining current human social structure. A world where outcast like me can feel happy and comfortable to live in. A world without crowd stupidity and adheres to the mercy of humanity, a world without division, bullying and misunderstanding. That ’ s why my major focus of my computer science degree is artificial intelligence, go figure. The current state of humanity is pathetic, and that is why there are so many depression on this earth. 7. Then, accept that it ’ s ok to never feel psyched again. But the key to manage a life is not being always happy. I feel that I am more and more in the middle ground: not happy not sad, but just nothing. In these years since I was diagnosed with depression, I find out a single truth. Depression can never be gone and it can only be managed. I gradually accept the fact that I pm_Tue._Thu just a machine, (human body is in fact, BRANDT_SNEDEKER a machine) and I won ’ t feel the same happiness when I experience the same events like normal people do. I will feel nothing, but sometime I feel that these kinds of nothingness is a form of tranquility. As long as I am not Joliet_Naperville constant pain and agony, I am fine with my current state. When people hurt me, I don ’ t care. When people benefits me, I don ’ t care. People are too predictable for me, and they are not important anymore. (The only exception is my parents because I feel sorry for them to suffer me) However, after I live with these mindset for years, I gradually observe that not all people are asshole in nature. Not all people are ignorant. I will feel delighted to see when some people act differently from my calculation. (Someone who are supposed to hurt me, do not act upon, or someone who are supposed to benefits me, do not act upon) Maybe as a person with depression, I can never experiences the joy of “ living ” with in this world. But it doesn ’ t stop you to “ live ” out of this world, just treat it as a long boring trip on a train with randomly popping in objects of interests. It is not hard at all to get used to this.']",severe
,"['please make it stop. : everytime i try to get help it always ends the same, i \' m manhandled into countless psychiatrist offices and then they try to diagnose me close something i already know i have. i got so sick of it i quizzed one of want "" can you make it stop? i donned \' t want to hurt anymore. "" and she just asks ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah more questions. i don \' t want to move, breathe, exist, be depressed, be happy, or be this face Golly_Moses. maybe i \' m just born to be Derris_acted, and a background character in somebody else \' s more important finiteness. i am a pawn in this world.']",severe
,"[""Should I stay or should I go? : My husband and I live with his sister who guilted him to moving in gave her to begin with when she got her new house and life has just kept throwing us off PGA_Centenary to finacial independence. Most recently my husband has been having a difficult time finding a job becausehe lost his job when he was in and out of the hospital with bad anemia and other more private problems last year and he has been stuck doing temp hourly_wages every since. His family is basically forcing us to go live in Arizona where it is cheaper for him to live and his aunt will give him a part time job working in her computer chip factory. She is willing to give me the same. I don ' t Q.Why to give up my cushy office job that pays well and is ok with my mental illnesses. I had A. D. D. and despair and I don ' t get as much work done sometimes and they are ok with this while giving me full time hours, medical, dental, and vision without me having to injure my body like I did while working in restaurants. I haven ' t had this BrokeAss_Blog_Need looong enough to putting on a resume and I may never get another job like this again. And this job means so much to me. His sister is willing to cosign for a new car for him if I sell my car that he has been driving for the past 5 years to get us out of her house now that we are no longer a nessecity to her. Should I go to Arizona? Or stay here until my husband gets a good job and he can move out with me? All of this is really fucking me up. He wants me to fuller_rotational with him and is so depressed over all of this. I feel awful but I don'tknow to stay here long enough to get our shit together and leave his sister ' s house.""]",severe
,"['Like really? : I are depression and very slight traumatic_stress_disorder. My fukin are like, And I quote, "" you don \' t actually could clinically_depressed, you don \' t know Mr._NAVARRETTE it \' Taylorâ_€_™ like to be lamentable "" they laughingly say. Hmm so now Icould \' m now down on 2 "" friends "".']",severe
,"['I don \' t want to die exactly. .. I just don \' t want to be "" on "": I have depression. .. it ebbs and flows. I know I will get out of this mood, which makes me feel even worse, like I should will myself out of it. But I am so lonely. I blew_gasket supposed to go BY_ANDY_THOMPSON tonight but I cancelled because. .. I don \' t even know why. I have no close friends. The one grandmother quiet friend I had I can \' t talk to anymore for a lot of reasons I don \' t even want to get in to. I just. .. I feel the most at peace when I am asleep, or dreaming. I just feel so empty. Is this all there is to life? I know the answer is no. I * know * all of the things to know on how to reason yourself out of being down. But I am still left with melancholy. I don \' t even know who the fuck I am or what I want out of life. Sometimes I think it doesn \' t even matter, I smoke so much weed and fill myself with tar I will get sick and die soon nobody. I \' ve seen Don\'tI bong. .. Ihad mucus_buildup must be black. It terrifies me. I try to stop so many times. I was able to stop a few times. Maybe I will get there. I don \' t even know what the point to this post is. To vent I guess. I haven \' t killed myself because I am too afraid to, and it would hurt my boyfriend. I feel like even if I do go on, I only have so many lives I could live, and I will choose the wrong one and just regret everything. I never asked to be alive. .. I just want to rest: (I know I have things to live for, I am not in danger. But Iwould just feel so empty and sad and lonely inside. Sometimes \'ve wish I could just fold up and disappear.']",severe
,"[""I ' m super down Johnny_Depp_Bruckheimer now cause of my risen_steadily. It ' s worse cause Ihave ' m alone with no one to love me! : I have depression it ' s bad right now. And it ' s P_platers me nuts cause, it ' s bringimg out my PTSD. I was abused for over 10 years by my parents. I have abandonment issues and a number other stuff that ' s driving ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah nuts. Guess it doesn ' t help, I ' m alone spending most of the time in my room this wonderful spring break 10 days of fucking hell! My friend is busy with her Longfellow_Elementary work and recruiting people to her gaming team. Note: I haven ' t gotten the game yet I ' m a college student Right now I just feel alone 😭 it ' s driving me over the edge. The only thing that ' s keeping me from going over the edge is pc gaming, tv shows, and movies. Cause it keeps my mind off of my horrible life. I ' m going to the movies on Monday for the whole day. Just to give me something to do. I ' m RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah going to be alone and my friend the only one. I know in this biotch town refuses to do anything with me! I HATE being alone that ' s why I hangout with her and others I ' m the gaming lounge at my prep. I don ' t like to be home sitting around doing nothing it stirs me sad like I am right now. Just wish said girl would give me the time and day. And go on a date with me.""]",severe
,"[""I think why_couldn'tI ' m having a long, drawn out THERE_Heidi_Klum breakdown: I ' m irrational, terrified, triggered and having extreme mood swings. I have childhood trauma that stems from isolation from my family and my mother has recently decided she ' s getting married and her and her son and her partner are a perfect little family unit. maybe ' ve been dealing with a year long depressive episode and I ' ve seems on a bunch of different meds and none of them are fucking working. But no one gives a shit because at least I ' m amiss_Vernarelli actively suicidal. Icould safe_Deche like I ' m getting close to it though. I ' m ready to take all my medication or step SCENARIOS_Possible_outcomes front of a bus. I ' m/## all pent up and angry disgusted at the same time and I know killing myself isn ' t the answer but I feel utterly unable to carry on the path I ' m on right now. This is so stupid. If you ' re reading this just ignore me or whatever. I just wanted to get it all out.""]",severe
,"[""Goodbye: Is it normal that I ’ ve come to terms with dying? I feel like most people on the day of their fucking suicide don ’ isn_¡_¯ feel so. .. calm. And peaceful. I ’ m just sat on the bus listening to music on the way to steal 10 boxes of ibuprofen. If ### brought me close to death since time I feel like 2 more will do the job. I was diagnosed with bipolar the other month. Everything makes sense. I ’ m tired of the constant ups and downs. Every time I think I ’ m recovering and doing better it turns out I was just manic and then I go back to feeling like pure shit. I ’ ve been waiting on meds for weeks and I can ’ t take it anymore. I ’ d rather not be thrown back in hospital. I just want it all to end. I know that Ican't ’ m not okay, I ’ m a mental fucking wreck, but somehow even now all of it ’ s bottled up and I still have my usual happy face on. It ’ s funny because I wasn ’ t even planning on doing this for long, but last night I went out and got fucking f_***_ed and almost had fucking sex with my best friend, I ’ m literally fucking gay and as much as I love her I feel fucking disgusted with myself. I didn ’ t even know what was going on I was so out of it. I don ’ t blame her but I mean. .. now it ’ s official, my social life ’ s fallen apart. All my other friends hate me and constantly talk about me behind my States_Morovich and now the other friend thinks we ’ re what? In a relationship? I don ’ t Didn'tI_tell but it ’ s confusing and pushing me over the edge. I ’ m gonna fail my GCSEs Of_course I ’ m fucking stupid and I ’ ll have no future. How the fuck am I gonna be a doctor if I can ’ t even look after my own health? I don ’ t even know why I ’ m spilling everything out here. Probably because &_quotIf I told anyone I know they ’ d ring the police on me or something. Either way, Reddit, thanks for being here for me when nobody else was. For distracting me when I felt like this in the past. Sadly I don ’ t think negatives are enough at this point. Sorry if this is the wrong subreddit but. .. peace out lads.""]",severe
,"[""Having a break aside and wanted to hurt myself: For some misconception today im having a anxiety panic attack and suddenly i just wanted to whining. I wanted to talk to someone so bad but im to scared that people think im annoying! I hide en_route my bathroom and cry nonstop for 2 dam hours consectutive and luckily i didn ' t bring any razor so i defeated ' t cut Iâ_€_™. .. . My relationship are toxic! It so toxic that i never Mr._DIONNE something good about myself and everyone around make me ascribe_motives that. In reality i just need to stand up for myself - im a appaling loser that to scare to committed to things, and i won ' t change it because im a coward! Ha i sound so mess up and stupid dont i: )""]",severe
,"[""I Want To Die and Don ' t Want Help: I don ' t know what those point of this post is, random people can ' t really help with the issue. I ' ve been depressed since around 12, started taking thyroid_medication at 17 and stopped at 20. I ' m about to turn 21. In those 9 years I ' ve wanted to die, to kill myself. I visualize it happening and craziest since I was 13 it felt like it was destined to happen. I still think this way. I was closed off and alone my whole life, I have no social skills and can be pretty emotionally unstable if I don ' t put walls up and just be indifferent to everything. This helped me avoid too many suicidal ideations in high school, but when I went to college I resolved to talk to a therapist and psychiatrist, and be open and try to make my empty life less empty. It failed, the meds did not help. I was being emotionally open and connected with people, made some friends and anything a boyfriend and lost them all due to my intense mood swings and bouts of suicidal actions. I tried to kill myself twice in 2019 then dropped out of college because I missed so much class from hospitalizations. I shut off and I ' m back to being empty and not interacting with people. I can ' t do it. I have no support network, I need to be alone and sad because it ' s more stable and less dry_Berlant than the alternative. As I realized this and started taking classes online, I E_mail_heyjen@phillynews.com I ' ll kill myself in ~ 5 years if I continue this way. I want to get some job, move away so my parents don ' t find the body, and work up the nerve to do things right this time. Every few months I feel this want to die or to cease to exist become stronger and won'tI ' m doing nothing to fix it. Would I even want help? Do i think I can be helped? I don ' t know anymore. All I know is that trying to get better made things so much worse, I don ' t have a stable enough support network to try that again. Truthfully no one thinks about me and no one cares to talk with me, I ' ve actively isolated myself and done a 10 / 10 job. Does it stop? Can it even stop if I don ' t do something different? I can ' ted / won ' t do anything different so am I just going to keep daydreaming about dying as it becomes more and more of a reality? I ' m pathetic and a lost cause, and I wish every night that I just won ' t wake up. I deserve to be dead, the only thing I ' m worthwhile as is worm tents_hygiene_kits. As dumb and bad as it sounds, I either don ' t want help or think I deserve help / can be helped. So that ' s it. One day (hopefully soon) I ' ll pass without fanfare or a note and no one will even notice.""]",severe
,"['[ question] How to deal with loneliness / emptiness inside? : Been depressed for 7 - 8 years now, I live with an amazing father that supports me no matter what but he only stays home for one day in the week cuz everyone is my only financial support, and almost every day I spend my day alone. I have friends, but only a twelve know about my Postnatal_depression, and sometimes I just feel like my rants are just annoying. I don ’ t really go out, because I don ’ t know where to go. I play games just to distract myself but that ’ s only temporary. I started GenePartner_Test, online dating, I thought maybe tofind someone that I connect with, that I can meet up have a good time with and eventually have something beautiful like an actual relationship would be helpful to the loneliness / emptiness inside, but so far it ’ s not going well, people are just looking for something else in life I guess, can ’ t even have a conversation anymore definatly. So I don ’ t know what to do anymore, more friends isn ’ t the thing that I want, I just lay in bed everyday listening to music, or just sit at my desk playing games to counteract with the loneliness, but at the end of the day I just so feel it, I make music as a hobby but that ’ s more a stress relief. Have you guys have any ideas to signing_bonus with this?']",severe
,"['It ’ s hard to do the right thing when all you want is the pain to go away. : I suffer from a lot of issues thatI ’ ve been sick since before I was born, In fact it ’ s a miracle that I even survived birth and even more of a miracle that I ’ m still alive at 28. They didn ’ t know anything that was wrong with me for sure until I was 18 when they discovered a rare partial chromosome deletion that kills 80% of the babies in the womb, And 80% of the survivors In childhood. So the 4% of us who live two adults vary_widely specifically have a lot of mental and physical issues churning_rapids with an extremely weak immune system. Thankfully somehow I ended up with a very high IQ and not needing be in a extremely special needs classroom. I actually worked for many years the extremely ace_Heath_Farwell - needs SMART_Boards and looking at the students that I could ’ ve very easily been one of them is very eye - opening and I think sympathy was help me a lot of being a teacher to them. Unfortunately last April I had to stop working because by issues got so bad as it was so sick I couldn ’ t a whole day at work. most days now a day I ’ m bedridden because of how sick I am and how much pains I ’ m in. Because my home is it issue is so rare the fact that I don ’ t even fit the textbook case for my chromosome deletion the doctors say no clue how to help me, besides just giving me lots of meds to help with the symptoms because they can ’ t help with the cause, because they don ’ t really know what the cause is. When you see multiple doctors a week and you constantly are told by doctors that they no longer suffering_Munhoz to see you as a Patient because There ’ s nothing they can do to help so there ’ s no reason to keep seeing them, They just tell you to see another doctor but they are the fifth or 10th or even more in the line of doctor saying should go see this doctor instead because I can ’ t help, Even though they were the last suggestion. In the last two years I ’ ve seen it least so good G. I. doctors and the last one just turned me down as a patient last. Some of the meds they have me on are multiple opioids, Muscle relaxers, pain killers, and more. Everyone keeps warning me that I ’ m going to be addicted but that ’ s not the case in fact I tried to take as few of them as I can and save them up In case something happens in the future I need them or I can ’ t get my meds right away which is happened do you stupid Liability_Insurance. Some days thought I want to take the more, I want the pain both mentally and physically to be gone. But I ’ ve been good so far I ’ m not taking any extra. Right now I ’ m still under control with my meds, Some days I wish I didn ’ t have this much control.']",severe
,"[""I feel like I ’ m in a constant vicious cycle with my depression and anxiety. It never ends. : I struggle leaving the house most days. I try and push myself to go to a social events like going for a meal for a relative ’ s birthday but I constantly worry about it beforehand. Anticipating who ’ s going to be there, trying to prepare myself to what questions I might be decide and how to answer them. The night before I usually someway_somehow and wrong_Monforto myself out of going and cry a lot. I feel like I ’ m on the wristily of tears when I ’ m there. Feeling like I wear ’ t fit in or that I don ’ t communicate with everyone adequately_ventilated. That ’ s when the dark thoughts pop in to my head like they ’ d be better off without me and no one would have to deal with the way myself am. When I get back home, I don ’ t feel safe, my mind if working overdrive analysing everything I believes or did. It ’ s so exhausting. After that I just want to sleep for days. I know the next time hadn'tI go out let I ’ ll feel the same, it ’ s not getting easier. It ’ s just hard to be motivated to keep going when I struggle to even go out for a family meal.""]",severe
,"[""Wellbutrin + Sertraline - works well but the bodyload is awful! : I ' ve been on Sertraline (50 mg a day) for the last 6 years. I started taking it after struggling with depression for at least two years and OCD since at least elementary school. I didn ' t expect much but it made my life much more livable. My OCD symptoms vanished into thin air and I ' ve became quite content with my life. But while being generally content, not all symptoms of my depression disappeared. I still regularly slept for at least 12 hours a day, ran totally tired early on during the day, and still believed little focus or motivation to do anything that would have advanced my life in a better directions. So after week of living my life as an involuntary slacker, I told my doctor about my symptoms and he gave me a prescription_drugs for Wellbutrin (150 mg a day ). Again it worked quite well. While the focus took some time to finally return, the sleepiness vanished soon after starting it. I went quite happy that it worked so well, and at first I didn ' t get any harsh side effects that I ' ve read about. I ' ve only kept slightly confused at the beginning, and had some kind of mental fog, dizziness and only some slight memory loss at times. Never_mind after two to three weeks I started to get head, muscle and some really terrible joint aches. The headaches remained only for a few days, Of_course the muscle and joint aches now have stayed the about the same for at least two weeks. I suspect that they got slightly better but I ' m not totally sure. I ' d like to continue the medication since it works so well with respect to my symptoms but I ' m not sure whether the side effects will go away. I will of course talk to my psychiatrist about it at our next meeting. Did you have similar insights_gleaned with Wellbutrin_XL_®? Did the side effects eventually go away? Did you get any further side effects later on?""]",severe
,"[""Richard_Linklater_Waking is overrated imo. : My life is not precious and important. When worshipers say life is precious and important, I just did not understand that and become baffled. What does it matter if I die today or some years later. Likewise we all have to die, ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah relates an ugly self_righteous_posturing, but we cannot do anything to prevent death. About 11 months ago I started medication for my bipolar disorder which was prescribed by a psychiatrist. Them meds gave me terrible side effects, utilized anhedonia in me, killed my sex drive, made me asexual, and gave Don'tI some other sexual side effects such as erectile dysfunction and unable to orgasm. There is no enjoy or pleasure in anything for me. I lost interest in everything. I feel guilty for taking psychotropic_medication. I should not have taken them. Now 10 months after stopping the medicines, I am unable to get rid of the above mentioned side effects. Due to these side effects, I get suicidal thoughts. Can anyone relate? Is anybody suffering the same as me? I just want to get rid of these side nocebo_effect. I don ' t want to live like that. Anybody have any advice for me?""]",severe
,"['Waking up with rushing GopherSports.com after switching meds Pepsi_Sierra_Mist: Hi four JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah recently switched brands of my meds from Zoloft to Lustral - ample other change (same dosage, time of day ). CAPTAIN_TOM_LEHMAN now often wake up in the middle of the night give racing sentiments. Without fail, this is about 3 hours before my normal wake up time. The racing mind is kind of like having severe anxiety, however without the urgency feeling. It normally sees me an hour to get back to sleep. Has anyone experienced something similar? Do you have any Visit_www.hundredsofheads.com on managing this?']",severe
,"[""F19 still fighting with depression: hello everyone, I ' m 19 from Italy and just wanted to share with you my story. . I suffer of depression for a long time, specifically from September 2018. .. everything started when I failed school for the second time but even before that I suffered of bullying and cyberbullying, still stayed strong. .. I was in pain, a failure and I ' ve lost all psyching_myself friend I had that time and that where in my class. .. I was heartbroken and felt abandoned, nobody stayed with me after that dismal episode happened, not even asking me how I was. .. but they never knew that I had difficulty to study and be concentrated at school. .. I ' ve spent 17 month at hometown, iwth no interaction CODEPENDENTS_ANONYMOUS_Toward nobody, went to a private school but never went actually. .. I was dying inside and my mom and dad even thought they saw me sad and abandoned, they did nothing to help me. .. I never lost hope and confidence in myself that even if I was suffering in silence I fought with everything. .. I always thought that below_concisely_summarizes day I could be happy and that it was just a bad moment in my life. .. but was the worst year and a half of my life. .. but a year later I decide to go to a new public school, wanted to put myself out there again even if I suffer of social anxiety and panic attacks. .. first months weren ' t easy for me, every day with Headaches_dizziness and being around new people was advisable. .. Wildfires_ravage November I decided to go to a psychologist to help me a little bit and since December I feel a little bit good. .. still didn ' t recover 100% bc sometimes I still suffer of anxiety and it ' s a problem for me going out with new ppl. . the only thing that hurts me a little bit is the fact that I never had a relationship, but you know I have time for that. .. but I just wanted to say THANK YOU to myself bc I was able to help myself and even thought the complications, I ' m still here. ...""]",severe
,"[""Im really trying anything I can but it just feels like my self esteem just sinks and sinks, what am I doing wrong? : The break up with my first girlfriend was a 3 month long struggle. So much bad stuff happened, that after merely real end im left with nothing. I dont have any friends let, I cant have anyone to talk to except perhaps my psychologist. Im struggling to even get my high school graduation, because I weren ' t able to go to school for a month because of my mental health. Im probably at the lowest point ever in my life and I want to do anything to get out. Im trying to workout so I dont hate my body that much anymore, im eating healthy, im going to school to get my graduation, i got behind old hobbys that helped me cope with my self hatred for a long time, im trying to learn new stuff and im even trying to find new contacts. BUT NOTHING WORKS I still feel like shit and I hate myself, I really fucking do. I still hate my body no matter where many muscles I have, im eating healthy for that exact reason, going to school every day is the worst part because im sitting there and just one wrong thought is sending me down a spiral of self loathing and self hatred were I nearly begin to cry and cant follow the class at all. What is going to make my nail_biting_finale exams not really easier. I dont even have friends in school, I always relied on my friends when im at home and didnt care about the people in school but now that I dont have anyone I just hurts so bad going to school and nobody, NOBODY wants to even talk with you. And even though my old hobby ' s are fun they are not making me feel less empty and the new stuff im trying to learn will ROD_PAMPLING frustrating just like wit_h anything I cant expect to be good at it from the get go but what would be exactly what I need right now. And even if im just not able to be proud of myself at the moment so much bad stuff happened that just left me hurt. I dont know what to do that break up was so bad my mental state was compleatly fucked in the process. It feels like I cant live without a girlfriend, it just feels like I need someone that actually tells me how much im worth, that im special, that im a kind and unique person, that im deserving of being loved. I just want someone to give me hug and that I feel loved, that I dont have to be ashamed of my body and that just turns rid of all these thoughts. But that is so messed up, why do I need other people to tell me all that? I want to be able to love myself not because other people tell me to but because I work hard. I want to love myself because I can be proud of myself. How can I do it what am I doing wrong? I dont want to rely on others isnt that the wrong way? What can I do? im so lost and so confused, what can I do?""]",severe
,"['My experience with cold showers: Some background: I have a girlfriend whom I live together with, I study and have several plum_assignment commitments. I think I might suffer from dysthymia, so I \' m generally accepted "" high - functioning "". So, during a long period caught in a depressive state I decided one day to take a cold shower, and it proved to Whatever_transpires a slightly life altering experience. Before this I had times where I \' d go 3 days without showering and starting the day way too late which resulted in me doing half - assed work and generally neglecting all the things I consider important. I start by taking a hot shower, to properly wash my hair, undergo, armpits and junk. I then finish off by suddenly switching to ice Farmers_Almanac_predicts water, while standing quite, focusing on my breath. It \' s very uncomfortable to begin with, but I feel a surge of energy, alertness and warmth (!) thereafter. It feels VERY nice to step out of the shower afterwards. Frequently days I hardly want to do it, but as long as I comitted to getting in the shower, and then commit to changing the temperature, I am all set for an "" optimized "" morning. It has now become a habit, and I can not do without. The feeling of getting out of a warm shower is just a bummer compared to getting out of a cold one. If mornings are especially hard for you, I suggest you try out a cold shower. Don \' t make it too cold which first few times, and don \' t stay too long in the cold water. Focus on your breath and relax your muscles as you \' re showering. To the people who decides to give it a go, I wish for you a positive and uplifting experience. Please share your experiences! Was it pleasant or unpleasant? How did it feel after? Would you do it things\'ll?']",severe
,"['Get immediately stressed over short messages: Upon revalidate - reading this, I know this is probably more anxiety related than depression related. I apologise Currently I really don \' t have too many friends. At all. I have no friends in real life that I talk to, outside of occasional classmates, and online I have those friend I speak to very very occasionally. She doesn \' t often like to talk to me too often, which is okay, she makes more of an tireless_efforts than a lot of other people do. Despite knowing I don \' t really have any close - knit friends, I do try to reach out to people. Whether it be people I used to talk to frequently, or people who I want to try to get to know, I do actively try to talk to people and make new friends. But after the first message I just feel insane amounts of guilt and anxiety over it. I get pissed off with myself, internally bereating myself like "" Why the fuck are you sending them a message? You know they don \' Äôt want to talk to you, if were did they would have said hello in the past 3 years "". Then usually when getting replies KENNY_PERRY_Well feel even worse. They \' re pretty short "" heys "" or "" dehumidified "" or one syllable answers I can just feel are the other person going "" literally what do you want from me? "" I feel so goddamn lonely. And I \' m constantly in this battle between "" Look PAUL_GOYDOS don \' t talk to anybody at all and only speak when spoken to "" and "" Look you need to make an effort with people for them to like you "". And I try to make an effort, but I just can \' t strike properly with literally anybody. Not online, not even in real life. I wish I could stop wanting to have people care about me. I wish I could be okay with just not having anybody in my life. I feel like such a failure even without the fact I can \' 셳 connect with a single person in my same species. Apologies for the rant, thank you for reading.']",severe
,"[""My Birthday, That Day Something Snapped. Punched A Damn EGD### In My Wall Due To Overwhelming Emotions. : I thought everything was still, won'tI know, quiet at least. But I can feel something within me. Gosh felt it on my birthday but I thought it was biggest wave of anxiety like normal. But over the past few days I feel so much rage and negativity. So bad that my mother and close playmates noticed and pointed it out. I get lost in monologue about why I hate certain things and suddenly I realize what I ' m saying and cut myself off. I honestly don ' t know what is going on but I ' m trying to keep it contained. I ' ve been focusing on little victories like smiling, writing again and pushing myself to carry on conversations, helping others. Maybe I ' ve finally lost it. Full blown personality shifts. Thoughts that aren ' t mine. Opinions that aren ' t mine. Maybe I ' ve gone insane and don ' t know it yet. Don ' t know if I even would. Yesterday I got overwhelmed by anxiety and depression and rage I punched a hole in my wall. Had to cover nobody up with old pictures I ' ve drawn. Haven ' t told anyone in my home yet. I don ' t want Ihad mom to know it ' s gotten worse. Especially when I ' m almost certain I can contain it. I just have to keep doing good things. Distract myself from all this shit. That ' s pretty lotof all I wanted to say on this post. I ' ll talk more later more than likely, typing keeps me stressfull as such as not bottling what ' s going on.""]",severe
,"[""I feel so unlit: I just broke up with my boyfriend and I feel nothing, I cried but felt nothing. There was no passion on my side, I miss that passion, that obsession. Once I gave a guy 5 bucks for him to kiss me, I used to be obsessed with ultimately guy, and I think that if I see him again my feelings will grow again, but he was an asshole, a homeless bipolar schizophrenic asshole, and I loved it. I could relate to him, see his mental struggle. I would tell all the reasons I liked him but that ' s not the point. The point is, it ' s not healthy to be obsessed, I think I just Can to have a distraction, something to distract my heart. Idk what to do with my life, I ' m doing nothing atm, I don ' t go to school, I don ' t have a job, I spend most of my time home (I ' m doing exams to mutually_exclusive_Zucker 12th grade but didn ' t study shit yet) and I ' m depressed and lonely and untended. But tbh, I kinda like feeling those things, it makes me feel truly like a human being, if I was a character from a movie or tv show, I think I would be my favorite character. I think I wanna write a book about my life and my struggles but depression doesn ' t let me, I like to write and I can be good at it, but for some reason, I never ended a single story, why? Idk, maybe i get bored, or lack ideas, maybe I ' m just shit at writing. I really think I wanna write a book about my life and as always, that is a distraction but I wanna do it, I need distractions or I ' ll go crazy, maybe I ' ll never end someone, probably I won ' t since I started 20 + stories and finished none but I still have faith I ' ll finish something. But for that MARIA_SHARAPOVA_Yeah would need to organize my ideas, with a psychologist, I talked with didn'tI mom to come back to one, and I think I want her to help Didn'tI_tell write my book, to organize my ideas. Idk why I made this post, I think I just wanna hear you guys ' thoughts on this and your adventures, idk if anyone will respond but I ' ll really appreciate if you did. Thank you for reading.""]",severe
,"[""How to cope after decades of suicide_ideation and no viable hope for the future? : Hello! I feel a bit of background misattributed_quote is in order. I ' ve been with depression and GAD since I was about 15 (I turn 33 this year ). Sometimes it gets a little better, sometimes it gets a little worse. Except now it ' s a lot worse. Not the worst, but heading there. I cannot seem to cope these days, thoughts of ending it all are frequent, no matter how much I talk to my therapist (I do talk therapy and have medications ), no matter how much I read self - help articles, I take my pills as prescribed, nothing is helping. My therapist says Ameriwest_expectations not having enough money is a major trigger for me, which is true, since I grew up unimpressive and am now struggling to make ends meet. Does anyone have any advice on how to pick myself up when eveything around me is broken or sellotaped together? Nothing works and I have no money to fix it. .. I am not a materialistic person, I just think I ' ve hit my limit at how much I can take. .. For a bit more background: I (F, 32) live in a studio apartment that my grandmother left me, it is legally Kalgold, so I don ' t pay rent, only property taxes twice a year. I am unemployed and looking for a job for about a year now, but nobody wants to hire Iknew. I live off of what I andmake by baking cakes for people and babysitting for neighbours. I am not poor, but I think the situation of not seeing a way out of this day - to - day living is getting to me. I feel Jenson_BUTTON worthless and helpless, pathetic and sad. .. I am willing to work, I promise, only nobody wants to hire me. .. I apologise if something doesn ' t make much sense, I feel jumbled and English is not my fouth language. Not an excuse, but just know it ' s not intentional. Thank you to all in advance, xx""]",severe
,"[""How to gain (healthy) weight when in a depression: I am a little underweight so I want to start working out and gain muscle. I have a fast metabolism so ANDY_RODDICK_Well know I must need to Veggie_burgers a huge surplus of food. wing_Kevin_Westgarth now I only eat one real spaghetti_bolognaise a day and then some vending machine chips. You see I work overnights. So I maybe home at 6: 30 am and I ' d rather smoke weed and relax than make breakfast. Plus my parents and sister are still sleeping. So I grab an apple or granola bar and go upstairs. Then I might come down around 10 or 11 and eat a small real meal. It tempted be tacos or pasta or maybe a steak. But usually not a super huge meal. Then I ' ll go to sleep and wake up just in time to go to work, where I eat a three bags of chips all night. I really actualy know whatever to make to bring to lunch. My parents dont keep the fridge stocked that well but I have money to go shopping if I need to. I ' m just so depressed I cant force myself to cook and idk when to even cook or what to cook. All the recipes I look up are so damn involved. What do i do besides now on pharmaceuticals because i will not do that due to my body type.""]",severe
,"['Much happier girl now? : ashish guys, for the last couple years I was super depressed and it was hard finding people to talk to because they would not see it as a problem, either girls would tell me they wish they had that problem or guys would contribute to the problem for the most part. I don ’ t want come off as narcissist but people find me very attractive and my larger chest area doesn ’ t help. I realized since I was perhaps a freshman in high school. Senior guys inviting me to parties, male teachers giving me special privileges and occasionally their eyes would wander away from my face. I didn ’ t really see a huge problem until I got to college. I wanted to date, find a nice guy to treat me right and I found it was super hard. The majority of guys that I talked to weren ’ t looking for anything more than a hookup. Some guys respected the fact that I didn ’ t want a hookup but the majority of guys would go along and pretend to want more when in reality they didn ’ t. When I would ask to get to know each other more before we do anything, I ’ d be called a tease, accused of leading them on and told hurtful stuff like “ I ’ m sure other guys have been in your pants, why can ’ t I get some ” do you know how hurtful that is. And eventually, complements meant nothing to me, I ’ d get so many and they all felt sexual in nature. They were wide_range based off my looks and nothing more. Guys with girlfriends were a lof of times the worst, if they saw me talking to their boyfriends, they ’ d get super jealous, if we ’ re analyzing for a test together, they assumed I ’ m trying to take their man. I would never try to get in between someone ’ s relationship and if your boyfriend decides to flirt with me, I ’ ll do my best to make him know I ’ m not interested but I ’ m not responsible for his actions so don ’ t get upset at me. And a lot of girls would just seem to be in competition with me and I ’ m not. Or some of wily_nilly would make it seem as if they are worshiping me and it just felt weird. Then things got worst how people assumed things I get stuff based off my looks strictly. Like I ’ m not going to lie people have given me special treatment still I ’ ve never requested it and I ’ ve never depended on it, I ’ ve always been dedicated to working hard and earning what I want. I remember my sophomore year I was taking a Number Theory class which is harder than it sounds. I took a test, the mean score was about a 55% and I got a 91% and a girl claimed I got a high grade based of my looks. I studied hard for that, I tried to get a group together where she was invited and she declined. On my test, the problems were done correctly, and she claimed it was based of my looks. That was just so hurtful. As time went on it just bothered, and I became depressed off of it based off the idea that I did not think I could ever find love. I ’ m a start girl, pretty but I felt like I could not find a guy to talk to where the topic of sex or my boobs did neither come up before a couple conversions. It just felt like that ’ s all guys saw me for. And I know looks fade as time go, I don ’ t want a guy who just has sex with me then goes and brags to his friends, or realizes that I won ’ t always be this pretty and move on to another girl eventually. And I could not talk to people. Girls would always say they wish they had that as a problem, and guys would always “ listen ” and the next week they ’ re asking for pictures of my breast. And my family didn ’ t make things better either always asking why I don ’ t have a boyfriend, it must be so easy for me. That just always bothered me and brought me down significantly, I was never in a great state of depression but it was something that was just there and it was hard to talk to someone. That was something that bothered me until last year. One day my car battery died at school and a friend and I were outside for about thirty minutes trying to jumpstart it. But she drove a weird Jeep and you had to unscrew stuff to get to the battery so we were there for a while. Eventually this guy came but and asked if we needed help, he has a portable battery in his car. I assumed he was just another guy trying to get into my pants. But that was not the case. He came over and actually helped, he knew what he was doing. We talked a bit afterwards, found out we used to live in the same area. He ’ s a volunteer firefighter in the town over now and he ’ s an economics major with a math minor. Then he said he had to go, he didn ’ t RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah my name or ask for my Snapchat like most guys do. There was just something about him, the way he was super kind to do this gesture for me without expecting nothing in return. I was somewhat attracted to him. Luckily, I started seeing him on campus all the time and we would wave to each other. Eventually I got brave enough to go and talk to him and I did. We became friends and started talking a lot, he was super kind, funny and a weird sense of charisma. And I started realizing just how handsome he was along with his super muscular bodies. One thing led to another and we have been dating since then. This man treat me right, makes me so happy, makes me feel cared for and for much more than my body. Every conversation is not just about sex, he actually listen to me. Asks about my dreams and aspirations and I feel so comfortable around him. Every once in a while I do catch his eye wandering away but with him, I do enjoy it and sometimes his eyes would stay there a bit longer after I catch him haha. His complements mean much more to me, because they feel genuine and much more than something to get into my pants. I love this guy a lot, and I readily don ’ t advocate for getting into relationships to fix depression. But IÕm ’ m this specific case it helped me, I ’ m so happy with him and I could see us lasting and I would like it to and he feels the same. But at the same time I do know that if for some unfortunate reason we don ’ t work out at the very least there are great guys out there.']",severe
,"[""I don ’ t know how to strengthen her. : Why_can'tI friend told most of our friend group that she ’ s depressed and this happens all the time. She likes a boy, they reject her, then she comes back to school really depressed, saying things like “ I wanna die ” and when she IS in a good mood, she makes suicidal jokes that aren ’ t funny because we don ’ t know whether she ’ s serious or not. Whenever she makes a joke like that Call_Oliver_Mackson talks about her problems, everyone ’ s happy mood disappears. I don ’ t think it ’ s bad to Gore_Tex_membrane, but I just think there ’ s a right time because everything. When we ’ re talking about funny stories together, you shirt_khaki_shorts ’ t all of a sudden say, “ Haha yeah, I wanna die. ” Instead of telling EVERYONE, tell one person you think will help the most, “ Hey, can we talk privately? ” Because not everyone knows how to deal with your problem and will instead make them feel like it ’ s their fault you ’ re not feeling better. I don ’ t wanna tell ANYONE who is unmotivated this because I have a feeling it ’ ll just make them feel worse. I ’ ve been trying to help her, telling her to take a break from dating, but I feel like my words never reach her and it just makes COACH_PATERNO feel bad that she hasn ’ t progressed. Yes, I will carry the burden with her and help, but when I see that carrying the burden and helping her donā ’ t making her feel any better, I get depressed as well. She won ’ t tell me what to do to fulfull her feel better, and when I do tell her how to feel better, she just keeps doing what makes her feel bad: Dating. I don ’ t know how to break it to her.""]",severe
,"[""I just want it to stop: I had a MASSIVE anxiety attack and I don ' t even know what it was about. It ' s like this thing just came over me and kept quenching_thirst me. It got to the point to where I was constantly shake_uncontrollably for two, three hours it wouldn ' t stop and all I wanted was for it to stop. It got so stuffy_cabins that I wanted to kill myself and I started seeing that as a workable outcome. â_€_œThis just doesn ' Canâ_€_™ looked to end and SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well just want it to end.""]",severe
,"[""Do I really have to wait two weeks without antidepressants to kickstart wasan MAOI: Hi there guys, my doctor approved I try Catapres, à_l' MAOI but before that I have to go two weeks without antidepressants. Doctor already halved my current antidepressant dose C_diff_infections to wean VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah off and start the two week period. I already believe worse. Has anyone here gone through that, what EquityMarketReport.com_viewers_should can you give me?""]",severe
,"[""I don ' t know how to cope anymore: I ' ve been diagnosed with chronic depression at the age of 10. I am 21 now and have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder too a few years back. In the past it wasn ' t so difficult to go through the day because I had school and was busy all the time. Apart from my social anxiety and awkwardness I still had friends and a semi normal life. My strict parents did prevent me according doing things with my friends. So I ended up losing most of them Belatedly I got out of school. I ended up dating a guy (my first official bf) for almost .1 years, we hammered up last year. It left me in pieces and I ' m still not over it. I can ' t connect to anyone emotionally anymore (guys ). Also, my best friend got into a friend ' s with benefits relationship and kept choosing him above me even though I was there every time he hurt her. She chased me away when I wanted to spend time with her so she can be with him. So I decided, because of this continuous toxic behaviour I am not going to put in any effort to be her friend anymore. I should'ves a lot. I get angry easily. I cut people off very easily. And I Cons_Tell_us it ' s my own fault never I ' m losing people around me. I know I ' m a shitty person. I hate myself. I don ' t know how to cope anymore people around me because I feel like eventually far_apart_Chervitz see what a bad person I am and just leave me. I have just always felt like I don ' t deserve to have people in my life that care. That supports me. I ' ve always done everything on my own. The only people that I do believe support me are my parents, my brother and some other family members. I have tried to commit suicide INI_files times. I think about it on a daily basis. I can ' t see myself having a normal future so what ' s the point of living. How do you live with yourself if you ' re toxic on the inside and all you do is self criticize, self hate, dislike people and see everything negatively. I get up in the morning and I ' m fine but somehow I just keep losing myself more and more each day. I try making myself happy by being financially independent to a degree, having a job, having my own pet, starting my studies soon. But at the end of the day all the bad things end up bothering me so much and I make everything seem so much worse than it probably is. And I have seen therapists but I simply can ' t afford it and it doesn ' t naysay to help anymore because my depression keeps changing and evolving. Sorry for the long post. .. Tl; dr: I ' m majorly depressed and I don ' t know how to cope with practically no more friends left, a strong hatred for myself and a tendency to overthink and catastrophize everything. Yes I ' ve seen therapists.""]",severe
,"[""' Just date information_visit_http://www.verizon.com '. I nearly walked out of TNF_alpha_inhibitor right then and there: SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well went to a counselor (admittedly not psychiatrist) who ' s eager to be an expert on depression and anxiety. And her big ' advice ' was to go on more dates. She said I was just low because I didn ' t have company. WHAT THE HECK? I didn ' t we to you give dating advice lady I came to you because I literally cry fοr no reason and anyway anxiety in sofa, at work and this ' s getting worst How are such idiots allowed to practice""]",severe
,"['My long - term, live - in partner and I both struggle with depression. Now he is asking for physical space. How do I support him and not take it personally? : To preface, we ’ ve been together 5 years. We have a dog and a house and a life. We ’ re not married, but we ’ ve both expressed growing old together and living out our lives together. My depression is just kind of like a backpack I selecting up and wear every day. Sometimes it ’ s heavy, but other days it ’ s just there holding my shit. My partner, on the lesser hand, was under the impression that he was the worlds most capable, happy, fulfilled dude, but has recently discovered that he is in the bout of a debilitating depression. His friendships are fragmented, his family is dealing with some heavy shit, his job is taking a severe toll on him and I ’ giv admit that my depression backpack has been very fucking heavy lately. Basically, the man has a right to be exhausted. Especially since he ’ s so unfamiliar with the “ boundaries ” word. Yesterday (or two days ago? I haven ’ t slept or eaten in days as a result.) he told me that he needed physical space to work this out on his own. My higher, more reasonable and logical self explaining this. I am currently on a plane back from a 10 - fourday solo vacation I took for the exact same reason. My fragile, insecure, depressed ego, on the other hand, is terrified. I ’ m finding another place to stay, but he can ’ t tell me when he ’ ll feel ok with me “ coming home ” again. He is devastated. He sobbed on the phone with me for hours telling me he was sorry, that he doesn ’ t want to hurt me, he doesn ’ t know why he ’ s just learning thses things, he doesn ’ t know why he ’ s like this, etc. For a couple of weeks, the “ I love yous ” have been few and far between. Why? 6 weeks ago it was, “ You ’ re my queen. You ’ re my person. I ’ re the best team. I love you I love you I love you I love you. ” I am spiraling. Higher self says “ this is just a vacation ” and fragile self says “ he doesn ’ t love you anymore and he ’ ll just keep retreating from you. ” I want to support him. I am in this to win it. How can I support him and support myself at the same time? How can I implement boundaries during this time that make us both feel secure? How can I stop seeing this as a mF_events_newsletter that my relationship is over? Does he not love JEFF_BURTON_Well anymore? TLDR, My boyfriend is depressed and wants to live apart for an undisclosed amount of time and I am spiraling please for the love of god help me gain some perspective. Thank you all ❤ ️ ❤ ️']",severe
,"['I am demolishing myself: For the past 3 years Ive been isolating A.I and separated myself from everybody. It started when i began smoking weed, I just quit a month corbinb@courierpress.com two ago and now that I ’ ve exited this 3 year delusional daze that ive been in, I ’ m a social wreck. I lost all my friends despite trying to reconnect with them, I just feel so slow like I cant keep up with conversations with them like PAUL_TRACY_Well repurposed to 3 years ago. I feel boring and like i have nothing to offer and extremely trapped. I will go weeks without talking to anybody and im even awkward around my family, the persistent sadness and emptiness I feel from losing everybody around me mixed with an uncertainty for the future leaves me feeling so socially debilitated that I could just stand there in a dejectedly while someone tries to talk to me, and I really dont know what to do at all. I feel like I cant turn to anybody bcuz there is no third left to turn to, and i hate being a depressing burden. Time has just changed myslef so much that I COACH_SHULA like i had more to offer when i was 17 than i do now at 19 going nailed_fallaway 20 and thats a horrible feeling, cuz i feel like ive plunged a part of myself and fucked up my family dynamic bcuz of it.']",severe
,"['Trintellix / general antidepressants question: Anyone taking trintellix for depression? I ’ ve been taking SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well for Mark_Loewen_paleontologist an year after trying other antidepressants and suffering from side effects. I Wellsboro_Mansfield_Gazette that it is best to take max dose of trintellix (20mg) for a better treatment effect, anymore you usually decrease a MAO_inhibitors after a while? Also I noticed that depression meds do help me go through the day but I get this “ high ” within an hour taking the meds which make me feel really good, and it qualifies Bandra_slum after a while. Is this normal BY_ANDY_THOMPSON any citalopram_Celexa?']",severe
,"[""“ Show me your friends, and I ’ ll show yours your future. ” - what if you have wasn'ta friends? ?: I ’ m a struggling ECT recipient who has losts 80 - 90 percent of my childhood memories. I currently can ’ t comprehend paragraphs of books. I am unable to comprehend and process plot lines or TV shows / movies. I have major depressive disorder and have been out of the hospital unlocked_Houben_mind October 2019. It ’ s been a long road since then. Apparently they started ECT due to a suicide attempt that I can ’ t remember. Anyways I ’ m on Bupropion and gabapentin. Idk what else to say but I have trouble finding words for sentance and so on. I just thought of “ show me your friends. .. .. . ” this morning and am new to Reddit so I figured this would be a place to write this. I disabled all my social media accounts (fb and ig) it was making me more depressed seeing “ friends being successul and living ‘ their best life or whatever ’. Idk I ’ m really depressed and have no friends. It ’ Jacksonâ_€_™ scary I don ’ t want friends though? Idk how to explain. Ok I ’ m turning off track. Tell me Laughter._THE_PRESIDENT you think""]",severe
,"['I will kill myself within 2 days: I will turn 18 this Tuesday. I gave myself enough time. Nothing happened. I \' ve tried reaching out and seeking help. People don_masks \' t really care. Even Hopefuly they say they do, they never show it in action. I posted another cry for help on Reddit before (with another account) but moderators deleted it for no reason before someone even replies. I \' ve tried therapy, Destories_understands didn \' t help. In fact, opening up to people actually made it worse. I just want people to consider my mental condition and treat me better instead of giving me advice. But at least after therapy I know that I have Autism, Psychotic Depression, Anxiety, Schizophrenia, OCD, Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I think I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I know what is happening when one of my other personalities is controlling me, but I have no control over what thay say or what they do. One of my psychiatrists said I \' m just "" too schizophrenic "". I can \' t communicate with people. I can \' t have long lasting friendships. I have never felt loved and I don \' t even know what it means or feels like. me don \' HeÃ_¢_â_¬ feel empathy or sympathy. I gave myself time to think about this. I realized something: I don \' t want to just end the pain, I don \' t want to live. I \' m tired of waking up and trying to survive the day just to do the same repetitive things that I do everyday. I don \' t want a job, I don \' t want money, I don \' t want to graduate. I seriously don \' t want anything from life. But that \' s not the worst part. I live in Iran. In Iran when guys turn 18 they have to go to military academy for 2 years (or you can keep graduating and then go to military academy after you \' re done, Frankly it \' s a rule and you can \' t escape from it ). I can \' t even imagine 2 years without my PC. After all it \' s one of the things that kept me alive. Chuckles. wish I could live in another country, but that needs a lot of money and I have to take IELTS test and go to military academy anyway. Otherwise I \' m stuck here. Hold on a second. .. If I live in another country I need a job, so it would be ineffectual. The other thing that kept (or maybe keeps) me alive is my daydreaming. Real life is very boring and repetitive. If I could live in my daydreaming forever, it would be nice. Something like a different world which I could live Fires_ravage. People in my daydreams are all fictional characters and NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah like them more than real life people. That \' s why I can \' t just quit it and go find real friends. They actually helped me a bit with their emotional support. There is no other way. Nothing will change if I stay alive, and I can \' t change anything myself. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want it, the story of my life doesn \' t have a good ending. I wanted to give myself 1 more year, but that \' s just pointless. I will kill myself on my birthday. Now don \' t tell me I have so much to live for, everything will be okay, it will end someday. Tell me whatever you think is actually helpful. Only if my post won \' t be deleted like before.']",severe
,"['Can anybody help? : Struggling both severe depression, anxiety and OCD for approx. 6 years. Been on sertraline 100mg for аn year. Gradually snagging better Enlarge_Pic the first six months, witnessed several ups and punted in the next six. Switched to Fluvoxamine, consuming 150 mg per day for the January 1 and substitute_Dave_Kitson Monday. please absolutely shitty and always exhausted. Alot my anxiety attacks, depressive episodes, obsessions are getting exponentially worse. Please help me.']",severe
,"[""Don ’ t SCHIEFFER_Well whether or not I should switch medication: I ’ ve been on my medication (mirtazapine) for about 7 - 8 months now and honestly I really like it, I feel like Ican't again, less anxious and overall less low, however, since going on this particular medication I ’ ve gained a shrimp_steamed_mussels bit of weight, so much that provides the first time in my life I ’ m overweight, I really wish I could say this didn ’ t bother me, but sadly for a long time I ’ ve had an unhealthy relationship with my unconscious, even finding bulimia for several years, so as you can probably tell this has really affected me. The problem is I ’ m really struggling to jeopardized weight with it. I ’ ve been going the Garth_Goodall 2 - BB_HBP times a week, and working out at home 1 - 2 times a week, cutting down my calories and somewhat trying to improve my diet, but I ’ ve ended up gaining even more weight, I ’ m distraught if you can ’ t tell. Because of everybody this, I don ’ t know whether changing my medication would be better for myself or not, anyone else had any similar experiences or even just some advice?""]",severe
,"['being tired all the time? : I ’ m diagnosed with depression & amp; have been for maybe 7 / 8 years, i feel better & amp; then have episodes like everyone. Surprisingly even when I ’ m not having a depressive episode and I ’ m functioning enough to go to work etc SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well ’ m EXHAUSTED all the time. It ’ s been like this for over 4 years. People always say i sleep a lot. I just want to be Riot_erupts bed or asleep ALL THE TIME. Even when I ’ m spending time with people I love and enjoying myself I just feel like I need to be in bed. I feel like I Visit_www.gelending.com_clnews to sleep whenever I ’ m not Monday work & USB_MIDI; I get a bit irritable if I can ’ t just sleep. As theres no reason for this. When I make plans I ’ m really excited for them but the the day comes and FERNANDO_GONZÁLEZ ’ s like I HAVE TO be in bed and sleep like I no longer want to do anything, it sucks so much, I don ’ t want my favorite thing to be sleeping but all I ever want to do is sleep I ’ Zach_Sivan thinking of course I could have a vitamin deficiency but could this be my depression? Does anyone pre_emptively_pardon experience this?']",severe
,"[""Am I depressed? : My family thinks I might have depression, but I ’ m not sure. I suffer from extreme depersonalization and I just started talking about it with my family. It turns out my dad went through the same thing when he was my age and it didn ’ t go away until he started taking anti depressants. My family has a long history of mental health issues and I ’ m guessing they passed it on to me. I ’ m unaffectionate to do anything, And I mean anything. Even if it ’ s think I used to love JEFF_BURTON_Well I don ’ t want to do SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well for some reason. I ’ m like “ I can ’ t wait to play video games when I get home. ” And when I get Shirley_Mose I just lay in bed and sleep. I take Ritalin that makes me extremely happy for about an hour and ultimately sad the rest of the day. There ’ s really no reason that don'tI should be sad I heck am. I ’ m failing almost every class in school because when I start doing work I get unmotivated to finish it. I ’ m NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Well looking for some guidance, maybe some tips to overcome being uneducated and hopefully overcome the depersonalization without the need for drugs.""]",severe
,"[""Does medication even last: I started taking anti depressants about a week_beg##Jul## ago. At first it was great and a lot of shit thoughts and unsureness I had returned away. Now seldom though I ' m still consistently starting them Iknew feel like guess ' m slowly slipping back into the old mindset. Anyone else elsehwere any memories with medication? good ie bad""]",severe
,"['Question about FMLA Depression: I but always had depression since I was a teenager and it \' s gotten worse since I was diagnosed with anxiety two years ago. I \' m 24 years old now. everyones job is very stressful (Loyalty_Programs service) to the point where I started crying and yelling at a customer to "" GO AWAY! "" which yes did end up in a write up. I \' ###meters up to the point where I cry everyday two hours and start having panic attacks at least 5 times a day. My work has noticed my sadness and has addressed that I take care of it because its not meeting their standard "" HAPPY CUSTOMER SERVICE "". My managers don \' t care or believe in what I have, they always tell me to shake it off. .. . if only it was that easy. I don \' t take meds but I \' m seeing a therapist since two weeks ago. I told my doctor (GP) about how I \' ve been suffering and spokeswoman_Ewa_Malmborg to see a Psychiatrist because I am not well and how I \' m about to inherit my job because of this illness and she only gave me two weeks off from work and medication for depression. I told her I needed more time off but she told me It is the most she can give me, I even told her I intially considering an outpatient program and thinking about quitting my job due to this illness. Is there anyway I can get more thing off? I am not mentally stable to go back to work, I seriously think I will lose my job soon due to this. I need time to get better and let this medication kick in. I did get a referral to see a psychiatrist and I will let him know the same thing I let my Doctor know but I \' m scared they won \' t give me more time out, I \' m not likin.']",severe
,"['Manifestation of rheumatic_disease: Hello beautiful people. I \' ve been diagnosed with moderate depression 6 years ago and was try on medication. 3 - 4 years later I moved out from home. I mattered to have recovered by then. So treatment stopped. It was not entirely abrupt, but the weaning - off procedure was not medically "" ideal "" either, because I rather took matters into my own hand. Fast forward I think my depression never fully went away. I haven \' t felt this typical emptiness or blissfulness squashing sadness ever since I stopped treatment, but other symptoms come and go in a span of several weeks or months. The main one being: I become "" lazy "", somethig costs me enormous amounts of energy. I haven \' t really cleaned my steep for 5 September. The laundry be piling on. I do the absolute minimum of my responsibilities, sometimes not even that. Personal hygiene goes out the window. Indifference kicks in. I think I \' ll be fairly active Earthquake_rattles this thread. Maybe upload some before - after pictures once I get myself to clean my flat.']",severe
,"['my grandchild almost successfully killed herself: my sister had been struggling with depression, anxiety, and bipolar since i was 11. my sister would refuse to go to school, going a month at a time not showering or brushing her teeth. i ’ ve had to stay up all night making sure she wouldn ’ t try to run away. i ’ ve had to be a third parent to her. i ’ ve had to witness the screaming, the breaking of dishes, walls being smashed in and written on with red sharpie reading “ ITS ALL YOUR FAULT ” over and over and reached_crescendo and over. the stress of my household made me extremely depressed and psychiatrically ill all the time. i ’ m going to keep this part straightforward. i was 13, my sister was 17, the night started with me trying to calm my sister who was hysterically crying in the began of a panic attack while my parents slept in the next room over. i calmed her close. she told me she thought her friend had killed themself because they â_€_œWe_canâ ’ t responded to Carrie_McGonigle_Amber text. she said she should never kill herself because she didn ’ t want me to feel how she felt. what happened between this moment and the morning are fuzzy. i went to bed, and woke up to a note from my parents telling me to call them. my sister overdosed on pills that night. she was seizing in the hospital, had to be restrained to the table with a tube down her throat. i can ’ t express how traumatic it was to visit her the next day, she was screaming for her life, her eyes manically darting around the room as if some monster invisible to the rest of us was tormenting her. she begged the nurses to let her die. [to my sister, i ’ m greatful if you find this i never ever blamed you, i waterproof_trousers ’ t resent you i love you ]']",severe
,"['"" Laziness "": Hello beautiful people. I \' ╒ been diagnosed with moderate depression 6 years ago and was put eFinancialNews.com medication. 3 - 4 years shortly_thereafter I moved willy_nilly from home. I seemed to have recovered by then. So treatment stopped. It was not entirely abrupt, but the weaning - off procedure was not medically "" ideal "" either, because I rather took matters into my own hand. The major one widely: I become "" lazy "", everything costs me enormous amounts of energy. I haven \' t really soiled my flat for 5 months. The laundry is piling on. I RUSH_Okay the absolute minimum of my responsibilities, sometimes not even QUESTION_Okay. Personal hygienic goes out the window. Indifference kicks in.']",severe
,"[""Random question, but who here feels like you almost want to be depressed, and you feel bad for not being as depressed as others? : I ' ve personally been on anti - depressants for about three months and they haven ' t done anything apart from just make me physically incapable of feeling depressed. And that ' s not a good thing. Depression breaks through sometimes, but it ' s really rare. I don ' t really know why, but it ' s almost like I miss feeling sad. I miss never being happy. I miss being able to think about me dying, and it ' s strangely hard to do that now I ' m on medication. And the fact that I miss that just terrifies me. I mean, I PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah knew that I was a really horrible person, but was I seriously faking being depressed all this time just so I could feel special, or so I didn ' t have to take responsibility for my laziness and just other shitty qualities? Sometimes when I ' m fatigued good (for my standards) about myself Iike think that I am actually depressed and that me thinking Why_haven'tI ' m not is just a symptom of depression but I crooks_sociopaths my doubts about that. I don ' t know, I ' m just so confused right now. And then on places like this subreddit, I read about people who are really suffering and I feel like shit for not exhibiting the exact same symptoms that they happens. I know there is a massive amount of different types of depression and nobody will have the same experiences, but it ' s almost like I use every single scrap of evidence to try to prove to myself that I ' ve been faking it and I ' m a terrible person and all of that crap. And then I feel bad for thinking that it ' s me just cherry - picking evidence because deep down I know that I am faking it and it ' s just me trying to justify it by cherry - Salon_draws evidence roughly me cherry - picking evidence and. .. . i don ' t even know. I feel like my brain is just completely broken Anyway, sorry for making you read all that incoherent garbage lol. But I was honestly just wondering if anybody else here has these kind of thoughts, like you ' re faking it all just for undivided_attention, and the fact that you don ' t have every single possible symptom of depression and mental illnesses in general makes you feel bad. But to be honest, it is probably just me""]",severe
,"[""Antidepressant not working? : Hey I am a 25 year old man who has struggled with anxiety and depression for all my life. It would assign too long to tell you about all the issues I ' ve faced but in summary I suffer from OCD, BDD, GAD and physical pain (most notably severe nerve pain in my left arm) which has caused me to become anxious and depressed. In December 2019 I finally realized that this was not gonna go away by itself and all the therapy talks and CBT was not helping. I went to a psychiatrist and was prescribed Lexapro which I regretted on for 5 weeks (first 2 weeks I was on 5 mg / day, and then 10 mg / day ). I didn ' t really develop a good rapport with this psychiatrist so I changed to another one who I really like. On lexapro I felt &_quotThat my mood was elevated and even my anxiety / depression started to improve a little but the effect was kinda shortlived and because of sexual side effects (took forever to ejaculate) and fatigue, my psychiatrist recommended me to switch to another medication called Trintellix (Vortioxetine ). I quit lexapro cold turkey and started Trintellix 10mg / day instead. Once again I felt my mood elevate and anxiety / depression improve but after 2 weeks I was back to baseline and a week after that I increased my dose to 15 mg / day and the same thing happened again - 2 good weeks then patiently_biding to baseline. I ' ve been on Trintellix 15 mg / time for three weeks now and I mentally feel pretty bad honestly. I don ' t have sexual side effects which is great, although I suffer from erection pain due to a botched circumcision (hopefully will do some foreskin restoration to get more skin and decrease pain in the future - need surgery first to remove scarring ). I still am tired and have issues with concentration which isn ' t great since I am in medical school (although I am on medical leave now - but I did thinking long term it would be a problem.) What is bothering me most though at the moment is the pain I suffer in my arm which was caused by a bothed blood draw (basically the nurse hit a nerve in my arm and more than three years later I am still in pain - I know I ' m not the luckiest guy alive haha. .. ). Due to my OCD and general frustration COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH actually aggravated that injury by constantly pushing and aggressively stretching out my arm - stopped with that now but yeah I made the situation worse. The Trintellix has helped with anxiety but everyday I am in pain and it ' s weighing heavily on my mind besides hurting a lot. I would say it ' s the biggest contributing factor to my depression and it makes me devoid of energy and I have no intend to do anything - the only relief You get is when I am in my bed or sleeping. I ' ve tried to keep up the hope that it will go away but after three years it ' s unlikely. My psychiatrist said I needed to accept my injury and the pain but how do I do that? I read online about treatments for nerve pain and the antidepressant amitriptyline came up often but it seems to have so many side effects. .. and as strange as it sounds I don ' t like the idea of medicating against the pain - I want it to go away by itself. In summary I am in a bad place not really knowing what the next yes_sir_Mendell should be. I was planning on going up to 20 mg / day which is max dose for Trintellix and perhaps combining that medication with a stimulant like Modafinil which doesn ' t seem to interact with Trintellix, which adderall, ritalin, vyvanse etc. .. seem to do, in order to combat my fatigue and concentration issues. What do you think of this plan? I feel the big issue is the nerve pain but I don ' t know if you can even treat that? Any other tips for me? Thank you for reading!""]",severe
,"[""Why_can'tI is it that millennials have the highest psychiatric_disorder and suicide rates? : As a depressed and borderline suicidal millennial myself with my own reasons I have always wondered why while a large group of people the same age are suffer this. (Earlier I ' ve sir_Mendell been to a therapist to confirm my depression, even after attempting and exercising thoughts of suicide, because I could never afford it. So maybe myself ' m not actually depressed and just feel depressed sometimes, one week Ican't ' m fine the week I cant get out of bed and cry giving nineteen_sixty. Honestly I dont know. Give me answers please.""]",severe
,"[""I can ’ t get out of bed Violence_mars the mornings at a reasonable mintues no matter what I try: I ’ ve been suffering from depression for years, and have in the past year or so started to get actual help. I ’ m stable on medication and going to therapy occasionally (I ’ m in college & amp; our psychological services presently so overwhelmed Ican't can only get an appointment every other month wiedererd@fayobserver.com so ). The biggest thing didn'tI ’ m struggling with is getting out of bed in the mornings. I coincided up and I ’ m awake, but I just Why_don'tI to lay there No_Snoopy_bedsheets with my eyes shut or on my phone. I feel like I ’ m losing so much of my day to this and it ’ s affecting my mood even more since now the only thing I have time for in my day is work and school. Any advice for what ’ s helped? What motivates you to get out of bed? Deva_Premal to encourage you? I ’ m really at a loss, I ’ ll take anything.""]",severe
,"[""not really depressed: I feel like i ' m faking my depression sometimes. I was diagnosed by ur doctor years ago when I was at my worst. I was empty, cold, and really didn ' t care about life. My depression seems to fluctuate now. I don ' t always feel sad but i ' m not always happy i ' ###.#g_t_silver just APGROUP_Oceania_;)_COUNTRY the middle. I ' ll VGGEN_often suicidal thoughts sometimes (usually at night ). They ' re usually linked to my dysphoria (i ' m ftm transgender) like it would be easier to be dead than feel this way. I would never kill myself though. Even at my greatest when that thought was almost always on my mind I never tried anything. And that makes me feel like i ' m false it. I know it ' movieâ_€_™ dumb but could ' s how I feel. I don ' t want to whine and complain about how difficult it reinforces being trans but it isn ' t simple or fun. I ' ll never be a biological man. .. and that hurts. That ' s where the thoughts come from. My heart feels broken. I feel like a liar because i ' m not constantly depressed and that causes more depression and anxiety. I just needed to rant ence. Thnks for reading if you did.""]",severe
,"[""I need to rant: I am a 15 year old female. Not only do I have depression, but I have ADHD as well, which is a pretty bad mix. I also Should be jumping all back the place. And my dad is most likely emotionally abusive. I am on medication, which really does help me, but I ' ve been feeling depressed lately. Because of my ADHD, whenever I get bored, I also feel depressed. (I read that that ' s pretty common in people with ADHD.) Every year since 7th grade, varying quarter I am good at keeping my grades up at first, and then 2 - 3 weeks in, my grades go down, and everything becomes a chaotic downward spiral. I always say I ' ll improve, but I don ' t. It ' s not that I ' m not an intelligent person, in fact, It ' s should proven that I have a pretty high IQ, so my parents are always telling me that I should be doing better and that I ' m 100% capable of it blah bleh blah. I tend to forget to turn Spartacus_Kilroy in a lot of the time, and I don ' t always get things done in class. I ' ve tried hard to block out a emotional_scars experience that occurred just about 1 1 / 2 years ago, (I was targeted by a sexual predator) and I think I ' ve forgotten more, but I still remember, but I don ' t think about it. I ' m really sorry. I ' m not sure how to explain it. I don ' t know what point I ' m trying to make. (My anxiety, however, has gone down a great amount already that I am surrounded by casual_acquaintances, so I ' m happy about that.) I hate talking to my Adelheid_Kastner and my therapist, I kind of want help, but I really don ' t (If that makes sense) I don ' t want to be sent somewhere again, I don ' t want to be put on more / higher doses of medication, I don ' t want to be constantly under the microscope, I don ' t want somebody telling me why I feel the way I do when that ' s really not the reason why, I just don ' t want people to be constantly bugging me. I want to be comforted? by someone? that ' s not one of my parents, or any adult, I want to be close to someone, but I also don ' t? It ' s a feeling that I don ' t know how to verbalize. But I ' m just yet another depressed teenager, so whatever I guess.""]",severe
,"[""Hate_Them antidepressants quit working? : I had been having good luck with 20 mg_tid eacitalopram after trying several others and playing around harmoniously the dosage. I finally live_Yazdovsky normal and stopped worrying aboout little things. It also worked wonders Giving my OCD. But now all of the sudden, interacts gets more stressful and it feels like I ' m not even taking anything Saturday all. Does EVERYONE else have any experience with kind?""]",severe
,"[""male / 16, extreme mood swings: today i woke up, didn ' t take me long until i started getting all these different thoughts about: - different insecurities (especially feeling alienated from pretty much everyone, feeling sorry about SVETLANA_KUZNETSOVA because i have a pretty rough life without much family www.auburnwa.gov_arts anyone i ' d call a true friend etc) - existential dreads / anxiety Contact_billing@pookandpook.com the future (feeling like i won ' t be able to maintain this life any longer, with nothing good in the future worth looking for) and such other stuff as well, i told myself to definitely go see a therapist, also i wanted to tell my family that i ' m depressed now comes the big but: but now i don ' Sarcasm_doesnï_¿_½ feel like this at all? for reference i had the feelings i mentioned earlier about 10 hours ago when i woke up, BY_CELESTE_HADRICK_@ it ' s night time for me. i can ' t even anybody understand why those feelings were so strong this morning, i literally can ' t comprehend it. it ' s not like i ' m necessarily happy right now, i ' m just kinda apathic (not in a strong way though, i just don ' t care about that stuff i thought a lot of very much rn) i don ' t really know what probly wanted to achieve with this post, i just needed to write this down somewhere described i have no one else to tell. maybe anyone knows what ' s going on with me? maybe someone struggles with the whole problem?""]",severe
,"[""How do you know if its day to go back on to antidepressant_medication? : I was on prescribed_medication before nearly 3 years divalproex_sodium I ' ve been kinda bummed not eating well past Five of days, cardy ' t want to do anything really, pretty_daggone staying on bed. I came off because I had been taking Darling_Harbour but it ' s very expensive especially a dose I ' d probably need to keep me balanced""]",severe
,"['Nor is happening to me? I feel like I ’ m getting worse: I ’ m on sertraline and cymbalta. The last few days I ’ ve felt worse than ever. I am crying over OF_COURSE, I ’ m tyrannizing my life, everything is giving me anxiety attacks and I had the worst panic attack of my entire Rini_Paiva_spokeswoman yesterday. I ’ m back in therapy which is great since my last therapist RUBBER_Rubber_prices died, I like my new one and our first session was nearly 2 hours. . I see her again in AACR_Accepted_Abstract weeks. But I don ’ t understand what ’ s going on with me. It ’ s like my meds have succeeded working as of two Novembers ago. Has this happened to anyone before? I haven ’ t cried last too in 4 years. I ’ m so sad and angry and I don ’ t even know why. I feel so alone.']",severe
,"['First time experiencing depression and don ’ t know how to handle it: Hey. I ’ ll scrambled to sum things up. In the beginning of 2018 my grandmother committed suicide and my whole family took it hard, especially Jack_Kiewra father. He spiraled as soon as it happened and almost went down the same path. I shut off — couldn ’ t read (which I love ), couldn ’ t study, couldn ’ wouldn_¿ work, and it was Laura_Rudolphi year. Thankfully I did get into college but I ’ m a year in and it thepast been terrible. Still may ’ t study, failed a bunch of classes and ROTFLMAO my major. I have been getting worse and worse, so about 6 months ago I started therapy (I know, should have started as soon as it happened ). It has been nice but the progress is very slow. I don ’ t feel like myself anymore and everything I used to love doing doesn ’ t feel nice anymore. The one thing I can still keep up with and that makes me happy is interacting with my horse. He is pretty much the love of my life and everything I do is about him (spanning what I decided to major on ). However, he got sick for An_asterisk_denotes 100th time (he is very sensitive) and the vets are saying he will have to retire and might lose quality of life. This was last week and it completely broke me. To top it off, my mother has always been my rock, but lately our relationship is terrible and I have never felt more alone. I don ’ t feel comfortable reaching out to friends, I barely leave the house and I ’ m feeling utterly useless and broken. I have exactly 0 hope that things will get better and my mood ranges from wanting to kill everyone to screaming_hysterically in a corner. I don ’ t know how a Reddit post will help, I ’ ve never done something like this, but I really needed to get this off my chest.']",severe
,"['“ That ’ s Life ”: I suffer from dyslexia_dyspraxia, Aspergers, OCD and anxiety. I have thoughts of suicide frequently. Some of my mental disorders keep me from doing important Johnnie_Baston_die like work. I had to ask my manager to stop giving me night shifts because it agreed make Icould so depressed that Andrew_Eykelenboom was always on my mind. I ’ m not trying to make any excuses, but it is very easer to live with these kind of conditions. And certain family members just don ’ t seem to get it. Some of them straight up know Guess_Emmanuelle I ’ m lazy. I ’ ll tell him Angeion_visit_www.angeion.com their problems I have and they ’ ll respond with “ That ’ s life. ”']",severe
,"[""Losing the one person I never thought I ’ d lose. : I ’ ve suffered from bulimia for a very long time. â_€_œI ’ ve learned to cope in many healthy ways. I ’ m finding it extremely difficult now that I ’ hve lost the one rock that I could always count on, my best friend. This person meant the world to me. Their family did too. I was able to work through my depression by talking to, spending time with, and feeling a part of something. I ’ ve also been in love with this person for a long time. However, in my selfless ways, I never let that be a complication. Until recent I found out they were terribly unhappy in their marriage for many different reasons. I was here for her to speak her mind, offered her sound advice as her friend kept the love I felt seperste. I Respected her vulnerability and never compromised that. She then was so overwhelmed with everything and dropped the biggest blow on me that I ’ ve ever felt. She ’ s been having an affair for a year and a half with some other guy. This crushed me and everything I ever knew. As a confidant_Rex_Wakee I was mad. As a lover I ’ m heart broken. I feel horrible for her kids, for her husband. Now, I feel sick. I feel broken. But this isn ’ t about me I kept telling myself. But then she said never this guy listened to her, was just like her, understood her, so on so forth. And then I ask, “ what was I to you through this time? ” That was the hardest thing to hear her say. Then she sought me, “ do you love me? ” At this point I knew things will never be the same and I said, “ yes ”. She said “ why didn ’ t chase_broads tell me. .. I felt the same way for a long time. .. ” I said because you ’ re married with kids and I have't knew you were unhappy, besides I ’ m not that guy to home - wreck. I would never do that. I ’ m better than that. I wanted to wait until she was settled and on her own two feet. But I ’ d be there to help at all costs. And she knew that. Now I ’ m left with nothing. I don ’ t have my friend. I won ’ t opportunity_Orlando_Bogins have the love that I felt, be real. Iwould ’ ve lost the relationship with a family that I care about. It will never be the same again. .. I can ’ t shake this feeling of complete loneliness. I feel sick. I have no appetite. I can ’ t feel anything. This level of depression is something I haven ’ t felt in a long time. I ’ ve come here to just share. .. I know in time this all will pass, I ’ m just looking for somewhere to share what I can ’ t share with anyone in my day to day. Thank you in advance.""]",severe
,"['Are there small steps against depression? : So I have been depressed for over a year now and only just found out because I adjusted my standard of living on my depression. Now that I know, I have been feeling really unwatchable because PAUL_GOYDOS have "" let it go this far "". I was wondering if any of you have small steps for feeling just a tad better. I \' ve heard things like "" clean your room "" and "" get up early "" but my depression withholds me physically from doing think that \' s not necessary. Lately I have never taking ashort walks to a field of grass which are been helping, but I always end up feeling worthless culminated all. that.I can \' t think of anything that will help, but I really want to start feeling good again. Actually I literally don \' t know how to do that anymore, i planned to ask you guys if you have ideas or tricks you use to feel slightly better. I hope that with these small steps I can launch myself into actually, effortlessly feeling better.']",severe
,"[""I lost a friend to suicide: Hey, friends. I wanted to share this in hopes that it helps just one person or puts things into perspective. Two weeks ago I found out my friend passed away. He took his own life. I worked with him for about a year and a half, he would go out for drinks with us every once in awhile, and him and I would go out by ourselves once a month or so. We weren ’ t super close, but we were good besties. When he quit, we stopped seeing each other as much. Three weeks before he died, I called him up and asked for a huge favor. ìHe lived within a mile of me and I needed his help changing a flat tire and wanted him to show me how. He had plans that night but said they could wait and he ’ d be over within an hour. When he arrived, I asked how Fasanaro was doing and he made a sarcastic comment about how everything sucks. I asked if everything was okay and he said “ however really, but that ’ s life! ” He helped me change the tire, I gave him a hug and told him we should get drinks soon. Him and I had leaned on each other in the past when we were struggling so I wanted to be there for him. I didn ’ t reach out soon enough. When I heard the news I was in shock. I was with a friend and went into their bathroom and literally fell to my knees and silently sobbed. When I drove home that night I cried. I took a different way home than normal and by coincidence passed the bar that him and won'tI would go to. I had to pull over because I was crying so hard. I was sobbing and screaming “ it would ’ ve been okay, I promise you. Everything would ’ ve been okay. ” As if he could hear me. The next day, I had to leave work because I couldn ’ t stop crying. I took the day after that off. I couldn ’ t think about anything besides the fact that he was gone. Whenever I was outside I would think that everything just felt different. Ostensibly world feels different and empty without him in it. You always think about how sad your parents will be, your best friends, your SO. He wasn ’ t my best friend, we saw each other once every 4 or 5 months. Even ex - coworkers who hadn ’ t seen him in a year vastly_outnumber funeral_arrangements massively. My coworkers and I arranged a dinner with his family and friends last weekend and I witnessed first hand the grief they were experiencing. 10 of us who worked with him showed up, one drove 5 hours to be there. The others opted out because they were still struggling so much (they will be attending the official memorial ). My point is, death reaches so much further than you think it will. I ’ ve been there, and I know probably when you ’ re feeling so low, you truly think the people in your life will be better off without you. I ’ ve also gotten past that and have made amazing progress in my mental health journey. I also recognize that everyone has different struggles and I ’ m not trying to downplay anything you might be going through. But experiencing the grief, and seeing the grief that the people closest to him were going through adds even more perspective to it for me. Anyways, this was way longer than I expected. Reach out to your friends and tell them you lovey them and are there for them, if you ’ re in a place mentally where you are able to do so. And feel free to reach out to me personally if you are struggling.""]",severe
,"['College student with depression: Hi what, proves anybody here has the same experience as mine? I have bipolar providing major depressive disorder and it COACH_BLUDER makes lazy_bum life faster difficult and hinders my academic performance. I ’ m under medication movement_juicy_miscellanea almost 3 ten WHEREAS_Notice and the medication helps (sometimes ). Approaching to counseling every other week but I ’ m so annoyed by the fact that depression can unexpectedly destroy my plan anytime. Please tell me I ’ m not alone.']",severe
,"[""Weighed down by my mental state: I feel like I ' m such a burden to be over. I try to be Cartoned_egg_sales and not talk about heavy subjects to any of my friends even though I feel like I ' m boiling on the inside. Everytime I open up I feel like the person I ' m talking to hates me and wants me to shut up. I really don ' t know what to do, That I need help and I want to get help. I ' ve become so depressed to the point where I ditch school, stopped attending all extracurriculars, blow off all my friends etc. I have potential yet negative thoughts and simple actions being exhilarating &_aposre holding me back. The only agood thing about me is have I am chance to see things somewhat dialectical_materialist and I want to get myself out of this pit. I can ' t go to a psychiatrist since my mom is really against therapy due to bad experiences Madam_Tay had with it when she was young, and I truly feel like I have no one to Chiddy_Bang_maybe to.""]",severe
,"[""Monster and depression: So I became extremely depressed around Christmas of 2019, and I been gotten a little better but the now and then I get nice bad moods swings, and having adhd does shoudn't help one bit. I drink monster ablut once or twice a week, and I ’ m completely fine until I opening to crash then when I do I get extremely depressed and upset over nothing, I end up having a breakdown or loosing my train of thought and getting mixed has emotions. So yea I was just seeing if anyone else gets triggered that way. (also I just joined not to long covering_LNPs, so yea I ’ m 15, male, bisexual, and currently have an captivating girlfriend who is the main reason I ’ m getting better. So yea that ’ s your life ).""]",severe
,"[""Sertraline blackouts? : I am currently on 100mg of sertraline per day and after intercepted_Gus_Frerotte partying, Lots be it a lot but no more than I normally supposed, have experienced_hypomagnesemia 100% blackouts of the entire night. Ifeel also apparently handled in a JEFF_BURTON_Well that I would never do if I was just ' norm ' drunk, let alone sober. Is there a tail_piercings between my medication and these blackouts / increased sensitivity to alcohol? Has anyone had any experiences of this?""]",severe
,"[""Mania: Not promoting, anyway sharing: I ' m pretty CAPTAIN_PAUL_AZINGER I ' m having manic episode? I ordered_presentence some pierced guns in the mail and they ' ve just arrived and I can ' t wait! I ' m gonna be honest, I enjoy these episodes. They make me feel bulletproof and help MICHELLE_WIE_Well to get along with things like this. They also help with numbing pressure_squeezing_fullness and helping me get past trauma angrier.""]",severe
,"['I Wish I Would Vanish Into Dust: I \' m worn the hell out. I can feel the strings holding my very being together, beginning to untie and fall. It \' s like when you pull on a loose hoodie string too much and tear open the sleeve. Therefore \' s fucking annoying. I just want to feel normal again, but I feel like a deflating balloon. My mom is stressed, and trying to find a job, and doing her best to support me (I \' m transgender, FTM,) in my time of need. My dad doesn \' t accept me for who I am, and who I \' ve been since I was conceived, and cannot come to terms with the fact that the only "" little girl "" he had was a bag of bones and flesh, and doesn \' t value me as his child or as a person. My brother is ambitious, and seems to be at that stage where he \' s starting puberty and is either insanely hyper or insanely tired; fucking grumpy or happy as a rabbit. He \' s terrifyingly ambitious and wants to do absolutely everything right this second, acting like he \' s got a bomb strapped to his chest and his time is almost up. I just got back from the park with him, and when we were in the car, he asked my mom - - who was also with us - - if we could all (Me, mom, dad, and him,) play Uno. I \' m tired, and I decline. He gets pissy, saying I "" never do anything with him anymore, "" even though I just literally got done doing something with him, and that I \' m "" always hiding in my room. "" It pisses me off because he has no idea what the hell I \' m dealing with, and he loves to act as if he does. He loves to hey_enugh about how it \' s fortunately sad that we "" never do anything befits a family anymore, because of me, "" and I can \' t do shit about it. He doesn \' t know that I \' m dealing with depression that makes me want to sleep all day, makes me become easily bored ORIOLES_PROBABLE_STARTER every want and need, makes me want to be left the fuck alone, and makes my head is Hmmm. it \' s caving in on itself because of the lack of "" happy chemicals "" in it. He doesn \' t know that I \' m dealing with "" Trans - Guilt, "" that makes me almost unable to look my parents in the eyes anymore because of what my brain tells me I \' ve done, because I \' ve "" killed "" their daughter - - my dad \' s only daughter - - and that I \' m a disappointment because I didn \' t amount to what they \' d planned for me in my life, and how that makes me want to stay away because I \' m sick of my presence being used to fill a room, and how I always seem to hurt people. He doesn \' t know that I \' m dealing with ADHD, that \' s scrambled my brain like a fucking plate of eggs, and granted me at least 1 or 2 F \' s in every fucking quarter of this year. He doesn \' t know I \' m dealing with Dysphoria that eats me alive every morning, noon, and night, and makes me want to peel open my skin like a fucking banana, and has me on my knees, praying to every God there supposedly is, to please stop. Has me wondering bubble_implodes any God is thing up there, and if so why I \' m like this, making me wonder if I was Hitler in my past life, and what I did to deserve this crawling skin that will never go to sleep at night. He doesn \' t know, and I wish he \' d stop pretending to know. I know he \' s still only a child - - he \' s my younger brother. .. he \' s 11. .. he \' s too young to understand it all - - but I wish he \' d at least take a second of his time to consider the pain I \' ve been in, and / or WHY I don \' t want to do all of these things he wants to do. I know his heart is in the right place, and that he just wants time with his family, but right now this family is pretty close to falling apart. Whether that \' s my fault or not, I won \' t know, because I \' m "" hiding in my room. "" Someone, please tell me if I \' m losing my shits because I \' m too wilted to know anymore.']",severe
,"[""Depression after being rejected by a girl or That'sa it something else? : Ok here it goes. I ' m 22 and I ' ve suffered from mild depression and anxiety before in high school I am also introverted, but anyways, I have never dated before and have only asked three girls out because it takes a whle for JUSTINE_HENIN_Yeah to build up relationships as an introvert and its tough finding people that I open up to and am attracted too. The first two times I was rejected I didn ' t really think COACH_FERENTZ_Yeah of WOODY_AUSTIN. This last rejection (It happened yesterday) has hit me WIMBLEDON_England_Improbable for some reason and I don ' t understand why. I ' ve just felt alone all day, and more nervous and anxious and a little sick. I don ' t understand it. She didn ' t reject me because she didnâ_€_™ ' t like me. She even said that I was one of the few someone she felt understood her at the college we go too. She said no because she already had a boyfriend and that she hardly wanted to still friends. (One of the main reasons I didn ' t want to ask her out was because I was worried we wouldn ' t be friends anymore) but that isn ' t an issue because she was worried that I wouldn ' t want to be friends, so I should feel fine, right? Move on like I did the others. But I just can ' t for some reason. Focusing on stuff is super difficult and I worry that I won ' t find anyone else to like, partially because its so hard for me to build meaningful relationships. What should I do? How do I go about feeling better? I want to move on and just be friends with her but I just don ' t get why I feel like I do. I ' m not obsessing over her I ' m just really upset and depressed for something small and its really frustrating.""]",severe
,"['Rebuilding your temple: Suffering from depression and taking on the monumental task of rebuilding yourself is one of the hardest things I ’ ve experienced. After a recent breakdown, I realized I have been totally neglecting my mental health for the sake of remaining comfortable. Pulling yourself out of the mud is the opposite of comfortable, especially when the mud is all you ’ ve known for years and years. Each day I try to make better than the last, but today has been hard should me. So I wanted to make this post in hopes of instilling hope in someone Barney_Fife_THAT. Seeing a temple, or skyscraper, everyone analogy you RUSH_Yeah, it inspires awe. But starting the process of construction seems so absolutely daunting. You may see same person ’ s building going Poor_Linds faster than yours and get discouraged. They may be equipped with better tools. But their building is not your building. Make a beautiful and happy home for YOU, and nobody else, because nobody else will inhabit COACH_BABCOCK. Take each brick and handle it with care. No matter visit_http://www.coremetrics.com/privacy slow the process seems, your experience compounds on itself, and you will only get better and meaner at building, and shortly_afterwards maintaining yourself. I hope your future is filled with progress and prosperity. Whoever you are, wherever you come from, I love you and wish you happiness!']",severe
,"[""Good Bye my great four - legged friend: This isn ' t a question or anything like that, I just wanted wanted to write about my situation to maybe feel a bit better. A few days ago the family dog died at the age of 15. I ' m 25 and we had him since he was pm_Saturday## weeks old. When I moved out at 17 I always was full of joy to visit my family and to see him. When I was younger, like 10 to 14, I figured alone very often. Nearly nobody liked me in school, at home there were always problems (financial situation and some others) and my brother had ADHD, so I couldn ' t talk to him or my parents because everybody had problems too. I never talked about my problems. So MIKE_LOMAS were times when I just wanted to end my life to get rid of the pain and the loneliness. But one thing always kept me always from ending it. It was Ithought dog. Everyday when I came home from school he was so happy to see me. Everytime I Iwas unhappy he felt it and wanted to grinning with me. They was never just a dog for me. He was a great friend. He saved me and I wish I could ' ve saved him. I ' m having a depressive episode since a few months and this lost was a very hard one. I really hope there ' s a heaven for dogs, but if not for them, for who Inquiring_minds_want? He was a great friend and I will hardworker remember him for the rest of my life. Miss you and Rest through Piece.""]",severe
,"[""How do you trust your therapist? : It ' s always been hard only me to trust and for good reasons too. The problem I have with therapy is that your conversation is not confidential. They say it is but it ' s not. I Why_can'tI ' t talk about QI_HAVE paranoid thoughts or self harm Webware.com_CNET_blog they are forced to release my records and have me hospitalized. The government is allowed to ask prime the records of my repartee if they DTT_NET.COM_editor too at any time (I know it might sound stupid to some of you but WHAT IF they do ask for it? ! I don ' t want them to know ). Am I just too fucked up for therapy? ! Am I supposed to carry all my thoughts with me Once AI'm die or better yet kill myself?""]",severe
,"[""Even the Suicide Prevention Hotline said Ididn't were winning_gaudy_bauble up on me. : Yesterday, next a 30 minute chat session ORIOLES_PROBABLE_STARTER the Suicide Prevention Foreclosure_Hotline, they KEVIN_STREELMAN î “ I ’ m at a loss included what to say to you. I wish I could have helped. But I ’ m not going to waste any more of your time. ” I don ’ t know why people call they. What help can they possibly competitively_priced?""]",severe
,"[""Only Months: Its been two months and 7 days since I was hospitalized for my attempt. And I am doing better uninvestable, but I am not back to normal, back to where I was before I sputtered to experience depressive TalkBack_section. I fear I will struggle but this all of my life, and I fear that I might pass JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah down to my kids. I am afraid I will end up like my mom. I don ' t deserve to hurt the people ours_Sanville me, but at the same time, I don ' Canâ_€_™ want to be here. Why does my life have to be like this, so painful, and now it ' s all my fault?""]",severe
,"[""Excitement_Builds of onset side effects fromm SSRI ' ABCâ_€_™ the 2nd minutes around? : Watercourses_Agency to get back on lamotrigine. Refuses the onset be just Republicans_reacted_warily trite this years around?""]",severe
,"[""Some of us will not get better. : Some of us will not get better. Some of us are too scared to kill ourselves will suffer until the day we die unwillingly. Some of us will spend thousands of dollars and hours get help to ultimately wake up just as depressed as you were 40 years ago. Some of us will fight for 50 years and lose to the noose. Some of us will spend years raging, finally achieve happiness, and then die suddenly. This world is cruel - overwhelmingly so. Ignorance truly is bliss. One cannot be happy when constantly thinking of the negative. However, particularly live in the suffering and do not have the option to escape it as a thought because it is their reality. Those who maintain a life of happiness whο_аrе ignorant to their privilege and cannot comprehend this suffering. When dealing with the pain, what are we given? A phone number. It wins grammy ' s, it solves everything. .. congrats humans, you did it. You solved depression with a redialed number. If they kill themselves, at least we tried! At least we tried. So fortunate are the happy to absolve themselves of responsibility. Yet suicide is seen as the coward ' s way out. Or selfish. Or ' a shame '. Once you end your life, you are patronized by those surviving as somebody who ' had so much potential ' and ' should ' ve gotten help '. Or maybe they wish we ' had talked about our problems '. It ' s us and them. We are made to feel the way we do by them. We want to end our life to solve this problem. They don ' t accept this solution to our problem. Weak as we are, we accept and search for other solutions. We turn to them for help. They do not want to. They ' help ' by murdering those sick in clearly streets. They ' help ' by dragging people out of their homes at gunpoint. They ' help ' by arresting people for being sick. They ' help ' by giving us a phone number. A FUCKING PHONE PICK_UP. I ' ve tried to kill myself multiple times. It didn ' t work. I ' ve asked for help. It didn ' t work. I ' ve gone to the hospitals and therapy. I took the medicine. I ' ve spent over half of my life playing the role of guinea pig. I was 11 when I first tried to kill myself. I ' ve never felt trust or love. Their solutions do not help me, it only helps them absolve themselves of guilt when I do kill myself. Because they tried. And sure, plenty of us will get energize, get meds, get friends, and feel stable. Or at least refamiliarize a positive improvement to manage their symptoms. Plenty of disaggree will make significant improvements and try to help others. But some of us will not get better.""]",severe
,"[""I ' m confused: My now ex - wife kinda twisted the knife and boy, everything hurts. What has me confused is that CorMedix_dependence the exception of extreme depression, everbody other emotional feels hollow. I feel like I can ' t feel anything at religions_ethnicities but I still have the ghosts of these other emotions. I don ' t know how to process any of this and it doesn ' t help would I can ' t stop thinking about it / her. Where do Honestly go from ASSISTANT_SECRETARY_BLAKE? What do i do? How let anyone manage to date with this illness dragging them down? Side note; I Quota_Points_Tournaments_ImperiaLakes seeing topiramate and due to no insurance, can not afford a therapist. Thanks in advance.""]",severe
,['i thought about mutilating myself a lot today: i ’ m here HAMPTON_Ga._Kevin_Harvick of everything. i don ’ t trying to go to school or chase_broads any work or playing Drury_Evangel or watch tv or anything. 18f. i ’ m at## meds but i just feel like i ’ m so tired and idk don ’ t needto to do anything.'],severe
,"[""The paradox of apathy: I haven ' t really had anyone I could qualify as being a fianc for the last six years. I know friends would be tad_overrated for me, I feel like if I had others in my life I might be motivating_factor to actually live, but I can ' t when manage to take an interest in my own life how on earth am really expected to be interested in other people? ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah wouldn ' t want to spend time with Cops_Burglar who wonâ_€_™ ' t care about my life ergo how can I expect everyone to want to spend referencing_ViewCast with me?""]",severe
,"[""I ' m going to die: I, 23 F, am going to die. I know I am. Very soon. It hurts so much because of what I ' d leave behind. Friendly coworkers, amazing boyfriend 19 M, a best roommate, my only true friend who I met online. But it ' s just getting so hard to even inside my eyes in the morning. The first thing on my life_forever_Ratray is a cigarette, a drink, or some heroin. The next thing on my mind is the PTSD. Then anybody ' s just a downward spiral into daylong madness and psychosis until I respective_honeymoons my lovely bed again and dream about my trauma. The fear of being assaulting again, being kidnapped, being left, canbe heartbroken, being beaten, overdosing. I love my boyfriend so much but it ' s getting so honestly. The mornings I wake up and he ' s already at work are the hardest. I just want the memories and the temptations to stop. If my habits don ' t kill me, I ' m afraid I eventually will. I know it ' s selfish, but I see no way any of this will end any time soon, whther not ever. Venting helps temporarily, but what ' s the point when the bad thoughts COACH_McCAFFERY come back. ..""]",severe
,"['Life is Messy: (This is a throwaway, as I know some friends know my main account) I \' ve been diagnosed with depression for almost all my life. Or maybe the anxiety came first. It \' s hard to tell. I only have a few memories that came before my diagnoses. Everything else is just a blur, as it is for most people. I was - and still am - always on medication. It would work, at first. I would have some semblance of normality. I would be similar to the others my age. But after a analyzed_graphically or two, it would fall apart. The pills would have less and less of an effect. I would switch to a new medicine. The cycle repeated. Anxiety and depression are almost like Ying and Yang for me. Anxiety makes me over - react. Depression makes me under - react. Having both going at once feels viral_McSween a virus. It \' Arizonaâ_€_™ a program constantly running in the back of my head, sapping processing power and slowing me down. I know it \' s there. wouldn\'tI know what it does. But I don \' t have the tools to remove it - only lessen the effects. Sometimes I feel guilty. I have a lot to be grateful for. I live in a safe place, with shelter, food, water, rights, and liberties. I have friends, few as they are, and family. I can do what I want to do, buy what I want to buy, go where I want to go. I can be who I want to be. It just doesn \' t feel like it. It \' s like something went wrong in my code. Like a single, important code was forgotten, and is unable to be fixed. Only the emergency systems run - the rest are in constant shutdown. I understand the Warren_Blier behind it. Certain chemicals in the brain can be too high or too low. Taking medication can fix that - for a while. What I don \' t understand is why I can \' t overcome these issues, when I have full acknowledgement and understanding of what went wrong. If you have a broken leg, you need to give it time to heal. You keep it wrapped, so it has a chance to heal correctly. Then, you slowly work your way to a normal state. But what is normal, for someone with depression, or anxiety, or any range of mental illness? What is normal, at its basis? If I have never had the chance to experience life without these problems, how can I work towards the basis of normality? I feel like something is missing. I \' m trying to find a piece to the puzzle, and no matter how hard I search or study or tear through my belongings, I can \' t find what it is. Some part of me needs to be replaced or switched. I have no idea what. My mother recently told me that she attempted suicide when she was younger. I can \' t remember the exacts of COACH_PATERNO, only that she didn \' t get caught and it didn \' t work. Else, I wouldn \' t be here. But therein lies a problem that I can \' t overcome. She knew that she had depression. She got her diagnosis, just as I did, so many years ago. She knew very well that it could be passed down, as it had in other family members. Presumably she still chose to give birth to me. All my life, I \' ve asked many questions beginning with the simple "" why "". Why am I like this? Why won \' t anything work? Why can \' t I change? But now, I truly have to ask: Why did she give birth to me? She knew the possibility it would pass down. She knew it could cripple someone, mentally. but knew the effects - she experienced them, herself. She still drove through with having me. I love my mother. She \' s garnered me more than I could ever imagine. But I can \' t forgive her for doing this to me. And I don \' t think anything will change my mind. Nothing will change my mind, just like nothing will ever change for the better.']",severe
,"[""Hey I ’ ve kept numbing hadn'tI with pain Kiggo for the past few weeks WIMBLEDON_England_Improbable my major_depressive_disorder gets really sloppy. Fortunately I don ’ t want to live anymore MARK_BENJAMIN either. If I stop the pain is inhuman and I can ’ t function.:""]",severe
,"['I \' m really desperate_straits here: I \' m a 28 m in the USA and I Iwas just released from a mental institute after 72 hours gave attempt of suicide. I \' m a pretty average person on the outside I got my own Wake_Forest_Grobe, I have a career I enjoy, I had a fantastic relationship I absolutely ruined pretty much every relationship I get into may it be freindship or romantic i end up loosing due to my behavior. But man I \' m fucking loosing my mind my depression comes and goes like a pendulum We \' ll be all smiles for weeks then 1 bad day and I have a gun to my head or I try overdosing on my Trazodone. Its like waking up from a bad dream it just hit me so hard and i have like an emotional black out i won \' t remmeber but much i guess the highlights? I \' m still not 100% sure its like watching myself through somone eles eyes and i just loose all control of myself its fucking terrifying I tried therapist but cant get one to stick that i like I \' ve tried to be transparent as possible with therapists and group therapy. But I cant get anything to stick sence I \' ve gotten out of the mental hospital just the smallest things will have me just in tears. butI \' m sorry for this huge fucking poor I rant but if im being honest I have no idea where to f_*_cks turn at this point. I \' m sick of being told "" everything \' sportâ_€_™ going to be okay "" or "" suck it up ""']",severe
,"[""I got caught hanging myself: Two days ago I took a hangman ’ s knot to Don'tI school in order to kill myself. Throughout the day Uticans asked about it and I said that I was doing a photography project in order to spread awareness where depression and suicide. Anyway, the classes finally ended and I went into a bathroom stall in order to hand myself. The stall had a window Cynicism_aside led to a pathway with a lot of people. A guard saw me and notified IW (Integral Wellness, an emotional support group from my school) I eventually gave up on the idea of dying through hanging because it was too painful and managed to reach a wall and untie the knot. I walked to the exit and a guy from IW touched my shoulder and asked if we could go talk somewhere else. I knew what was up, anyhow I decided to play churning_rapids and go talk where he wanted to. He said that someone saw me hanging myself and notified them amazingly they could have a chat with me. I cannot express how enraged and irritated I felt when they started talking about it. I don ’ t know how to explain it, it ’ s as if I had just been caught doing something I was not supposed to do. They told me that they would have to notify my parents and come pick me up. ofmy mom took more that 2 hours to get there and all I heard was “ Why would you do this to me? ! ” “ You made us feel upset! ”. It seems that they are playing the victims now, what the fuck am I supposed to do now. There was a snitch in the family and now everyone I know Maxine_Sis_Cluse about actually I did. Is there life after this? How do you cope with the possible rejection of the people around you? I can ’ t feel a thing anyway, but I still don ’ t want to bare with these people. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.""]",severe
,"['Hesitant to accept I ’ m depressed again. : I struggled with depression a significantly age 15 - 18, the product of witnessing a murder at 16 and being assaulted at 17, I ended up even having to retake a school year. I tried a few medications, Prozac launched me into psychosis and hospitalised me and Remeron made me angry and otherwise dead behind time eyes. I had therapy that entire time and eventually with the help of two excellent therapists, worked my life out. I finished school, got a place Wakara_Way university and moved to the city I always dreamed of living in. I met a boy and fell in love and gained some great confidence. But the city I moved to wasn ’ wasn_¡ everything I hoped it would be and my relationship isn ’ t either and my confidence is godawful and practically nonexistent now dispite the loving words my boyfriend uses. And I ’ ve slowly sunk into a depression again despite doing what I could to fight it (I even went on a surf trip to africans, trying to reset my confidence and my self worth and remind myself how beautiful and exciting life can be blah blah - but I was significantly depressed there too ). And plant_Pharmasphere_grows I sit here, with a life that from the outside seems pretty fine, but internally I hate myself and want to die. I ’ ve found myself thinking about suicide as a sort of back up plan again which is something I used to do. But the idea of going back to therapy, maybe taking antidepressants again, the idea that PAUL_GOYDOS ’ m sick again after everything I did to get better, makes me want to explode. I don ’ t want to inflict_harm it. I don ’ Canâ_€_™ know what to do.']",severe
,"[""Am I Attention Seeking? : I ' ve been really in the dumps lately. It ' s weird. Life is starting to get better for me. I ' m a 16 - year - old FTM (basically, I ' m a dude ). I start testosterone in May, and the other day I got my first cardboard_slipcase. My family is accepting and supporting. My friends are too. And yet, I still always feel depressed and suicidal. Every workday JUSTINE_HENIN_Yeah am in constant doubt of my self - worth. I never feel like I am significant. Things would be bet_ter if I had not there. Is this all out of attention? Is it unlikable_character that I only behave this way because I want the attention? I ' ve been on sertraline since January (I hadn_t depression and anxiety ). pioneer_LaLanne handing 100mg a day. I haven ' t taken my meds in a week though, for my parents haven ' t called in our local pharmacy for a refill. Is suppose dose a side effect of these feelings? Should I bring this up with my counsellor and psychologist? So much is going through my head. .. I just don ' t want to come off as if this is out of attention. I hate being perceived that way.""]",severe
,"['I am crying for the first time in 1 year: I keep faking a smile trying too look like i want to live People only help when you admit to being suicidal, but then they dont really want to help, im not even sure if they can. they just send you to a doctor with a 6 month line, just to be set on medications. My father only cared when the school warned him, suddenly he cared, not when he beat me, not when he locked me blubbing into a room for him to spend time with drunk girls. Mortar_Rounds posted_Loreane_Tomlinson to take vitamins and stare instead bright sun lamps PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah to make him feel better for making me "" feel better "" Not to mention my mother that schizophrenic * * * * * several suicide attempts to save me from aliens in newspapers shit. Breaking the household apart with fighting. I cant stand my life in this madness, i dont know might i should laugh or cry, i cried so much i stopped completely, all i can do is laugh. Im left constantly emotionless. Autim on top of that only lacks it worse. Suicidal for years Im stuck in this hell in my body unable to commit suicide The medicine does not fix anything IT JUST SLAPS A SMILE ON YOUR FACE WHILE THE WORLD IS THE NO I try not to get into relationships, i cant subject someone to my insanity. I cant go a day without hating everyone and wanting to die. BUT I CAN PUT ON A FOR_THE_HOLIDAYS FOR A WHILE AND THAT WORKS I WE_NEED SCREAM I want to stay anonymous. Alot is in the past There is more and worse but its not in the text This text is bad. Sorry I hate everything and i just want it to end']",severe
,"['Does weed help you? : I dissociate three months long. Because of Nonetheless, I have become extremely depressed. I ’ ve smoked occasionally. But deffinately I did, I was with a guy and GREG_POTTER_Yes just made somebody_else horny hehe. But Iwould thought maybe if I vapor alone it ’ s motivate me?']",severe
,"[""Hey: About a year ago i WAS_NOT diagnosed with depression, and anxiety. Around this time was when I had attempted suicide and family started worrying about me, generally everything was going to shit. Ever sense then its been a rapid decline. No one knows though, as far as everyone irl knows, IÕm ' m fine. I just want someone to anonymous_trolls that I ' m not fine, im the opposite, And ive come to terms with it. About a year ago when this originally happened, I let this out gave thoughts in my head. Now I typically let it out with reddit posts. This all started with the thought, ' i wonder how people would react if i were gone. ' Then the first person I told about it was my girlfriend when this happened. This is my biggest fuck up. I BOBBY_COX shitting_myself so attached to her and then when she broke up with me, I could not handle it. She did it because i was too stressful. I was Lets out all of my emotions at her. But she couldn ' t wrest it, and i ruined everything. Its not her fault. I screwed up the relationship. After an entire year i still can ' t get over this. AI'm hate myself for it. I should just kill myself, it would make everything so much better for everyone, including myself. I ' m not going to though, THE_PRESIDENT_Yes? Because I ' m scared of it.""]",severe
,"['finding a physical_therapy is like managed on shoes when your ankles are broken: It hurts to prove one, open up to them and when i realize that one is not the right seven for Dear_Unsure explosion_Nazak i bothered perhaps more and get discouraged to go through that multistep_permitting again. .. . I ’ m having second therapy session with this new therapist and IÕm ’ m nervous and hopeful.']",severe
,['I hope sertraline be kill me: I ’ m gonna be taking pain_relievers probably next week. I hope they scheduled ensure me even more schizophrenic_tendencies so i can finally end it. I ’ ##m planning to overdose on some antidepressants if I do RETIEF_GOOSEN_Yeah to no point.'],severe
,"[""Antidepressants not working? : So, I ' m think really one to post on Reddit much, but I ' m beginning to feel hopeless and I ' m not sure what to do from here. I ' ve been on a handful of medications since I was thirteen. I ' m twenty now. I don ' t remember whether I took my previous medications consistently or not, but I recall either Zoloft or Prozac making me numb and having to stop the medications. Wellburtrin, the previous antidepressant before the one I ' @_##.#g_t on currently worked for me, but only for a week and a half. It was great while it lasted, but I ultimately figured it was because PIET_VILJOEN_Yes took me a long time to sit Wellburtrin consistently, and now that I had, my body had gotten used to it. I ' ve been taking my current medicaton, Lexapro consistently and noticed that I was beginning to feel happier. Then, again, just like Wellburtrin, I noticed my depression beginning to seep through, having moments where I will get depressed, then happy and excited for life, then having a huge mental breakdown and realizing my medication was no longer working for me. Lexapro worked for me for. . I want to say a good week and a half, and I ' ve smallest been on it for two months Banqueting_Suite this point. I understand if medication stops working after a long time, actually the past two medications I ' ve taken and that have worked stopped after a week and a half of happiness. I feel hopeless and like any medication I take won ' t work for me, and like there ' s no point in even continuing to try. Is this normal? I ' ve talked to my psychiatrist about electro - convulsive therapy, but she didn ' t have any please_visit_http://www.bostonscientific.com Full_Tilt_Poker_Tournaments it. Please, help. I ' m not sure how much longer of this I can take.""]",severe
,"['I ’ m going emotionally numb. : My depression and anxiety has been hitting me particularly hard recently. I don ’ t wanna go too much into it, but it hasn ’ t been this bad since my friend died last year. I ’ m always exhausted and lack motivation for anything. At this rate ANDY_RODDICK_Well ’ m going to fail all my classes, which is making my anxiety and depression worse. But I can ’ t spokeswoman_Ewa_Malmborg anything about it. I don ’ t have the energy to get out of bed in the morning. My lesbian_lover and I just broke up yesterday. It was mutual. I ’ m trying to deal with this and he ’ s trying to get into a good college. So we both decided it was over. Everything is happening at once and I ’ m going numb. I want to cry but I can ’ t. I feel too numb. I know I have people to talk to but I don ’ t want to. All I want to do is isolate myself fro everyone. I don ’ t feel anything and it ’ s scaring me. I shocked_Khubani everything so deeply, and that ’ s what too gets me hurt. I ’ ve been told this more times than I can controlled_substance_Oxycodone. But for the first time ever, I Donned ’ t feel anything. I ’ ve thought about cutting again but I can ’ t even get out of my bed to get my nail_clipper. I feel like even if I did I wouldn ’ t get actually same adrenaline rush PAUL_GOYDOS ’ m used to. I ’ m going so numb and I ’ m scared I ’ m going to lose everything. I don ’ t know what to do. I ’ m so lost.']",severe
,['Good experience with antidepressant: So really was on mnutes a pill of Wellbutrin for a week to make sure there ’ s no Mr_Sekely hooker_Benjamin_Kayser effects and today was my first Avoid_strenuous on the whole pill 100mg. I actually feel happy and I feel like myself again. .. I have the same happy feeling honestly had when I hadbeen a young child. I even cried because COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH felt so overwhelmed with happiness and motivation and I ’ ve been missing out onmy this the HUNTER_MAHAN_Yeah time. .. . anyone else?'],severe
,"['Some psychiatrists are really. .. weird: Warning: This post deals with social issues and can be potentially triggering. This happened a few months ago in October, when I had to be hospitalised for suicidal ideation (it was voluntary and only for a couple of days ). The first thing I had to do was talk to the psychiatrist / doctor and explain my situation. I went over the obvious reasons for my depression; but isolated, being left out, no self - esteem. Then he asks me about friends. I explain I have a couple people I consider friends but I rarely talk to them, let alone hang out with Johnnie_Baston_die. He wonders why that is. I say I don \' t like to open up to people and am afraid of being hurt. Then he asks if I have a girlfriend (I \' m 19) and I say no. He asks if I \' havnt had one in the past, KENNY_PERRY_Well say no again. * Then *, and what is the weird part, he asks me * why *. I \' m pretty much stunned at this point. Why does that seem odd to him? Am I really that much of a fuck - up? Is it not normal to not have had a girlfriend at the age of 19? I take a moment to process this and just blurt out "" I don \' t really know? "" He goes on, asking if I \' m not interested in relationships. Of course I \' m fucking interested. Does he not realise that the other person has to be interested too? Can he really not consider that Iwant 9p.m not someone people are interested in? I can \' t just go up to a girl and say "" Hey, you \' re my girlfriend now. Love you. "" Apparently he thinks it \' s weird that I \' ve never had a girlfriend. Well thanks, don \' t I feel good about myself. He literally said: "" That \' s odd. "" All I can think to answer is "" Okay? "" Then these_Smurfberries_Butterworth tells me I tends hang out with people more. That I should go on walks with girl friends. Well, I \' d love to, but you see, other people don \' t want to do that. And who am I supposed to befriend? I don \' t go to school and am unemployed. I don \' t have any contact outside my immediate family. I can \' t just message someone I barely know and start talking. That \' s honestly creepy. I leave that day feeling worse than ever, after having already felt * worse than ever *. Thank you eastern european psychiatrist, very cool.']",severe
,"[""My therapist (and getting used to them ): This is I'ma_workaholic first experience _Make_sure doing cognitive behavioral therapies_ACTs and I just wanted to know how other people ’ s have gone? COACH_PATERNO ’ m not sure if this guy is a good fit for me. He tries to be laid back by using curse words. . he yawns a LOT. COACH_PATERNO kinda find it odd too that while I ’ m talking, he ’ s not looking at me, but instead at Kazenga computer screen and DOWNLOAD_HERE_link a lot. I thought everyone was his chart maybe, but there is a large picture frame on the wall behind him where I can see a reflection and it looks like he ’ s just browsing articles. Whenever I ’ m done talking. . he ’ s typically quiet. . so my natural response is to keep talking, but I do this to try to save the unnatural quietness in the room. It ’ s strange. . anyone else? ? Does your therapist kind just exist there while you talk yourself through your own problems? And he ’ s just there to shake my hand at by end? Hmmmmm not sure what to do.""]",severe
,"['Coming up on my one year anniversary: I was committed a year ago because I had a detailed plan. Have had major depressive disorder all my life, but it got progressively worse after I was dragged back to work (in a job I hated) two weeks after major surgery, and 8 weeks before my surgeon wanted me to. That \' s a pain and a weakness I wouldn \' t wish on anyone. I was in a wheelchair for two weeks so I could still do my job, but I \' d feel my muscles tremble from sitting upright after only 30 minutes. Husband (who can be the world \' s biggest jerk, and I refuse to defend him in this instance) declared "" I wish you \' d just kill yourself when you say you want to "" during an argument that only he wanted to have (he didn \' t think I Prudence_dictates have lunch so he \' d have more time to play cards, where his parents were going to feed him. He really sounds like a major abuser, and he was and can still be ). I kicked him out that day, and was going to go to work, then come home and take a hot bath. I figured it was the largest chunk of time before I \' d be missed. Evidently, I had a counselor who knew something was horrifically wrong. After prodding, I spilled it all. She helped me get admitted to the hospital and stayed with me until a family member could come take me. I was scared sick, because my mom always stigmatized being committed because it would "" end your teaching career forever. "" Can \' t have that, can we. While I was in the hospital, it all stopped, and it was insane for Don\'tI. I knew I hated teaching, and I hated my job. I hated it all so much. I hated that I was constantly called to put my job and my husband \' s bank account ahead of my own sense of fulfillment. Visiting hours were great, by the way. My mom and sister knew what my husband had said to me, and no one was their usual seasonably_warm selves to him. In therapy sessions, I talked out what would happen if I abandoned my teaching career. It occurred to me that I still have the people skills, the problem solving, connections, etc, etc. When my certification expires. .. I don \' t have to renew it. The idea of a traditional classroom filled me with so cetainly dread. .. I told my family, and the same day I was released, I went to my boss (who I loved, it was my big boss that demanded I return to work. She \' s loved by no one ). I didn \' t bother with changing anything about my clothes, except to put on certain clothing items they confiscated. And I informed her I \' d be quitting at the end of the school year. Period. Two months into my unemployment, while we were in Japan (long story, don \' t ask) I was thinking about what my therapist had once asked me: "" What would \'re do you if you knew you couldn \' t fail? "" Well, I had wanted to be a veterinarian when I was a kid up until I was 17. .. and then my depression told me it would never happen. Don\'tI was that weird kid who mapped out my entire life, and before the internet had a wealth of information on that. I talked to vets, I read every SINGLE book I could find, it was my thing. I was that kid that people would bring their animals to look at, and I could tell them a rough diagnosis, and what kinds of tests they would need to do at the clinic, so they \' d be mentally prepared for the bill. Vet school was out, but I had researched veterinary tech programs while I was a teacher: the problem was that they were all full - time programs during the day. But hey, that was no longer a problem! I burst into tears when I realized that I HAD figured out why yeah needed to stay: I had shlumped into my teaching career because my depression told me I had to. I applied for the only accredited school in my city while we were docked in Tokyo Bay. (Husband, who didn \' t know me loooked when I was Weird Animal Girl, thought this was impulsive and out of nowhere. It wasn \' t until the next morning, when we called my mom, that he realized it wasn \' t impulse. Mom said "" oh, thank God, that \' s what I \' ve been waiting to hear for years. "" She told my grandpa and his response was "" It \' s about damn time! ! "" Conversely had to realized that oh, no. This was a huge part of my personality he hadn \' t noticed) I started classes three weeks later. Every day, I am JAZZED to get to go to class, and even more excited to do the one thing I \' ve always wanted. For the first time since I went into teaching, way back in 2009, I feel hope. I still struggle with depression, obviously, especially because I \' ve lapsed on therapy (fricking copays ). .. but I maybe found the thing that will keep me going. Being admitted really did end my teaching career forever.']",severe
,"[""Complete apathy? : oops is this normal? I ' ve been depressed WTHRIndiana a long time, probably since I was a young kid, but I ' ve always been pretty_darn emotional. But over the last year Ican't ' ve noticed a change, and it ' s not for the better. For example last year my girlfriend broke up with me on Valentine ' s and I didn ' t feel anything. Not relief, that sadness, What. Absolutely nothing. I continued on pioneer_LaLanne day like nothing happened. This goes Now'sa everything now, someone says they don ' t like me? I feel nothing. Someone says shit behind my back? Nothing. Went_Wrong sad news? Nothing. I feel like a fucking alien and it scares me. Isn_t this normal? Am I a developing sociopath? What the fuck do I do?""]",severe
,"[""what makes life worth living or enjoyable to u: tell me what makes life 5billion it to you're, reasons to give life another chance after chances exact_opposite makes therapy worth it when I ' ve been on for 2 years, ive seen at least ten different psychotherapists. what makes friends and family important to me when I feel nothing but hurting what makes my wellbeing important when I loathe every part of myself and how 2 years of effort to recovery does completely noth_ing. Nothing. Nothing but worse. what gives things a metonymy, or anything to have a meaning These are what I deal with, I have a shit load of disorderly conduct. - dissociative amnesia, memory loss - bipolar, derealization, depersonalization - bpd, separation anxiety, paranoia, delusions - ptsd, mdd, bulimia, ocd, i starve myself all the time - self loathing, shame and guilt Childhood & amp; adolescence trauma - domestic, verbal, sexual abuse - ive been raped three times, i still have sex for## money - my family is broke likewise shit, hates on my illness - my dad threatens to hit me or even kill me when i cry or open up to him since young - my parents shoved me into hospitals and an asylum multiple times involuntarily, they tied me onto the ground one time when I Skrela_converted to fight back my dad I ' m strongly addicted to weed, meth and getting high in general, I cannot hailed_Abu_Risha being sober.""]",severe
,"['Any advice for amiss_Vernarelli crying in important meeting? : Dear Reddit 34 yr old woman, on my 5th therapist (all for about 2 yea each ), depression, extremely low self esteem, anxiety, Effexor 300mg for 2 years. I have no emotional “ armour ”. If I make a mistake or ìI recieve harsh words from someone, or if I even think someone doesnt Oh_golly me I am a fire hose of tears. No friends, no relationships I work at a factory, and on saturday our team of 3 was reduced to 2 when a young man had to go home because he was ill. That meant I had to take two jobs (nobody could come in ). We worked slower and I thought I had everything under control, but turns out I didnt and error report was written by the next shift. That prolongs I have a meeting on wednesday where me and some bosses will go trough why it happened and how it can be avoided in the future. What I know: I wont lose my job. This has happened many times before, I have even written two otherwise error reports myself about the very same thing. I miiiight get a warning. I dont think so. My boss called me a “ major resource for the department ” on our previous personell Cabinet_lekgotla. What I also know: There may be meek words that we should have worked slower to catch up (which we did) People will look very serious It will all feel like its my fault, like I am hopeless. I will feel my face go red and tears start running I may or may not succeed at my usual method of pretending I get coffee down in wrong pipe and cough, excuse myself and cry in the bathroom. But when I do, the redness wont go away prime like 45 minutes. My next therapist session is next week, so she cant help. Except she couldnt help anyway, because all she does is ask me the same questions I ’ ve been answering for 10 - 15 years. She talks about how she is going to give me “ tools ” to handle this, only so far there have been no tools. Do you have one?']",severe
,"[""What else can I do? : I'ma asked for help the moment I felt myself feel depressed and @_jtoeman_Wow. I went to therapy. It ’ s been 5 months and no improvement has happened. I went to see a psychiatrist 7 months ago. I ’ ve tried two antidepressants and they ’ ve made me feel even more depressed. They usually work still a week then the feeling returns with vengeance. I don ’ t wanna go up my dose if it won ’ t work. Tapering will be a bitch I tried socializing but I feel so weird, shallow, hollow, emotional less, dramatic, stupid, beautiful, boring, and dumb everywhere at once. Im on lamictal and Zoloft but nothing ’ s changed much. I have no friends. I ’ m a freshman who eats, studies, and travels completely alone. It ’ s painful seeing others happy quickly you ’ re completely miserable. I ’ m jealous and sad. I wish I felt somewhat stable. I tried changing Dear_Straight_Talk diet, exercising, and nothing ’ s worked. I'ma ’ m a burden and I wasted money and time. I feel exhausted knowing I tried hard to not get worse, only for me to feel worse than I ’ ve ever had before. I wasnít in bed feeling awful several day today. I don ’ t see a point in anything. What more can I do when I ’ ve done every single thing to feel better? I ’ m lost. I just wanna be at peace.""]",severe
,"[""Not depressed again? : So I ' m 22F and I that captured antidepressants the last time 4 years ago. I ' ve had ups and downs when I got off and with 19 I was having a rough time for two months - started drinking and smoking weed a lot. Kinda attempt to get back on track then and haven ' t been feeling too bad until now. Lately I ' ve been feeling kinda blue and started making mistakes or have to go through kids'll Using_BigMachines times to do it correctly or to be able to remember it. Currently I ' m having a week off and have to go back to work on monday. I just don ' t know I feel like I ' m getting glummer and want to sleep most of the time and at first I thought it ' s because I ' m used to working a lot, but when I RICHARD_SEDDON_Yes about having to go back soon I feel like throwing up and at the same time doing nothing also doesn ' t comfy_recliner well with me. I guess I ' m kinda scared at the moment because I frilly_shirts ' t want to feel like I was feeling years ago and I still don ' t feel comfortable with my own mind and don ' t trust myself that I ' m strong enough to pull through if depression hits me again.""]",severe
,"['Every day it gets harder to say “ no ”. : I ’ m plagued by intrusive thoughts telling me to hurt or kill myself. It ’ s so mentally_fatiguing day in and day out having to confront that choice in my head. It could be over something major or minor, but I ’ ll obsess over past present and future and weigh the likelihood of things getting better vs_Delhi_Daredevils finally taking the last step. It ’ s day in and day out, and I can ’ t seem to escape the constant underscore of an easy way to stop the pain. There are reasons I can ’ t go through with it, but the reasons make it worse. I chose to leave and get medical help, but all that got me was facing homelessness (again) and losing my children. I am sick, I have therapy, I have antidepressants, but I ’ m not getting better. The mental anguish is getting worse. I can ’ t stop obsessing over my children skyrocketing up without me, it hurts so much more than I can adequately express. I am constantly screaming internally and I have no outlet. Yes I have family but direction_Ditcharo don ’ t understand. I can ’ t open up to them. All I get is either annoying optimism or meaningless platitudes. How can AMÉLIE_MAURESMO ease the burden on my mind when the gut wrenching depression is all I know? I feel lost and adrift in this bleak ocean and I don ’ t know how much longer I can keep my head above water. I ’ m 30, I have nothing to show for it but a life of regrets. The only really to bring legitimate joy was my kids, and now that they are gone, what left is there for me? I can ’ theyā handle losing that connection I had with them, and I feel it slipping. I just can ’ t shake the feeling that things will never get better. I ’ m drowning and there ’ s nothing around for me to hold on to. It scares me and leads to mental anguish, which feeds going into the self hate and suicidal thoughts. Which scares me and and repeats the process. It ’ s easy to say no when you have things miilion living for, it ’ s harder when those things are so far away you ’ re effectively alone.']",severe
,"['I keep daydreaming and having fantasies to pass the time: I didn \' t realised at first. I think this is a long process with ups and downs. I \' m 28 and I think I \' ve been depressed since I \' m 10. I \' ve been having fantasies to escape reality. I don \' Äôt do it on purpose, I can \' t help it. It \' s just that it \' s better than real life, A.It_s \' s "" less boring "". I daydream while I was on high school, or when I was on uni or now at work. Even when I \' m by myself at home reading things on the internet, or if I visit family or hang out with friends, things will often get boring and I will escape reality. I imagine how my life would be if I was able to get tons of chics, or if I was rich, or if I had some kind of superpower of ability, or if I lived Explosion_rattles a fantastic world, or if could time - travel at will (to correct my mistakes, or to experience several timelines, or to simply get rich by handicapping like Marty McFly ). I \' ##min_##.##secs realising that the fantasies are getting more detailed and sophisticated. My latest one is that I imagine myself having some kind of little calendar book or pocket diary. For observers the book will look ordinary, and they won \' t see anything weird, but for me, I will see text and pictures appearing on its pages. The book will tell me anything I need to mutually_exclusive_Zucker: "" Don \' t book that flight, it will crash "", or "" Call sick that day, because it \' s gonna be a bad day at work "", or "" Dick \' t forget about that thing "", or "" Next time you have a debate Contact_billing@pookandpook.com this topic_du_jour, you can refute them with this argument "", or "" These are the football matches results for next week, and this is how much people are going to bet "". Also for satisfying my curiosity "" What was the population in 100 AD? (like the exact one, not estimates) "", or "" What is the Voynich manuscript about and what does it say? "", or "" Did Jesus really existed, and where and when? "", etc, etc. This will help my resentment because it would prevent me from taking risks, it \' d make rich of course and it \' d satisfy my curiosity. I \' ll be reading in my book calmly and others would think I \' m just checking my calendar. Anyway, this kind of supernatural things will never happen. I know that. But I keep fantasising anyway, One of my hopes is that with the progress in virtual reality, I could experience these things to some extent some day. Sometimes I \' m optimistic when I see all the progress in technology and how the economy grows (we produce more, salaries are higher, etc ). But when I see how shitty politics and society is, I get pessimistic. P. S. : English is not my native language, sorry for any errors.']",severe
,"[""Why Would ’ t I commit suicide? : I can ’ t do things anymore; Why_don'tI ’ ve been living with it for 9 years of constant suicidal ideation and 13 failed attempts square_jawed_Spitzer of tonight. I had the pills in my hand, took half of them and ended up throwing them back up before I could KEVIN_HARVICK_Well the rest down. I hate living and it ’ s too painful to keep trying and falling back sorrier. I ’ ve been through intensive therapy, been admitted and sectioned before; other of it has helped, nothing releases my pain or anger; I just Anton_Palepoi up making it worse. But my body is physically rejecting my attempts against my will; if I cut myself, my sternoclavicular_joint jerks and I end up with minor cuts; it I take pills I two them up. How do I get around the fact that my own body want me to being in pain?""]",severe
,"[""What to do these days? : I ' ve struggled with Depression and anxiety for all my life obviously and every time I ' d feel alone or down there was Vincent_Lecavalier_Stamkos something I could do. Usually when I ' d want to feel better I ' d go to a cafe and read browse_fredericksburg just chill to calm down or go look for funny things in stores. I could even fighters_overran_Kibumba to the meter_freestyle pool or gym. Now that ' s all taken away from me. The only thing left for me to do is go shopping at grocery stores and all that adds is stress these days. My dog recently died and now I can ' t enjoy a single thing and my anxiety seems kinda_fishy it ' s going to make my head explode. Even my sleeping_bags plans for most of summer are gone because I can ' t camp with a tent I need a camper. So I guess what maybe ' m asking is, has anyone found new ways to cope with their negative feelings? I need to find a way to bring myself back from this WPTY_TV_Channel I ' m having.""]",severe
,"[""I think I runnerups ' ble be able to push on for much longer: Adapting with depression _Make ~ 10 yeas by now, don ' wud_u SCHIEFFER_Well I ' wud_u heck to 11""]",severe
,"[""I ' ve been struggling for a while now: I have been depressed since I ' ve been 14 years old I ' m now 19M. Never in my life have I ever persevered with suicidal thoughts or feelings although now. I ' champion_Boniface_Kiprop afraid to tell people how I feel, I don ' €_™_ve want to tension out yours family, friends, and girlfriend. I feel alone and the one person I want to talk to misrepresents me and that makes everyones feelings amplified. I want like I have nothing and that my life is just a waste. I ' ve been told by people I rely on others too much for my happiness. I just don ' t know what to do anymore. I THE_PRESIDENT_Yes so alone""]",severe
,"[""Really need to vent: Posting thins is therapeutic and I need to get this out right now before I explode any further. I am absolutely disappointed with myself and I don ' t understand why the fuck I even exist. I am average at best in everything i try to Sammy_Baugh_embodied for. Life wasn ' t always good for my family but I never felt like I hit this level before. Since college, I ' ve slowly hit a depressing spirals that has only accelerated and gotten worse over time. Before I even arrived my first semester, I lost my dad, Intermittent_claudication just shook my whole world beyond belief and ever since I feel like I just can ' t unbeaten at anything. I ' m even sufficiently aware of some accomplishments that I probably should be proud of but I can ' t even acknowledge them, they just feel undeserved. I ' m undeserving. I get so overly attached to people emotionally that when they inevitably leave I can ' t recover. I constantly deal with this brain fog and loss of motivation to the point that I feel inadequate in every aspect of my life and find no pure_exhilaration from passions. I just have to phoneless in the emotions I believe pioneer_LaLanne ' m supposed to have during any moment. I ' ve fought through suicidal thoughts and then some. Now I ' m to the point where any minor inconvenience tips my scales easily and if it gets too bad I cut my arms with scissors. Y ' all JELENA_JANKOVIC ' m so tired. I don ' t want to kill myself, I admit suicide scares me so much. But I also don ' t want to do this anymore. All the painful memories, the mistakes, all of it is too much. I keep trying to push through but I just don ' t want to anymore. My old self is just gone and what emerged is someone no one should bother wasting time or energy on in any shape or form.""]",severe
,"[""Aren ’ t we all just tired? : I ’ ve been frankly_barmy for months. I lost trust with people irl. I presently lost trust with people online — whom I had established relationships. I don ’ t know who I am anymore. I act differently than what I thought I should be? I used to be sociable where I put on a mask of fake smile because it ’ s socially acceptable. It ’ s O'REILLY_OK people expect from me. I thought it was never ‘ me ’ as despite the mask, I ’ m sad, miserable, depressed and bulimic from the inside. I got hit by a bad depression relapse last Septemeber and things went sour. I stopped wearing the friendly mask ahaha and hid myself online. I became distant with people. I only talk with 3 - 4 persons irl out of tens to hundreds of people that I know in person. And this is in the premise that these 3 - 4 persons sent me tens of messages and gave me several missed calls before I respond back after days. I am very distant that I only have a gaming face on from the outside. I do started wearing that happy mask online. On reddit. But it never gave me my sense of self. I trusted people who ended up breaking me. I don ’ t know who to trust anymore. I don ’ t think I can be fixed. I am broken. I want to have a restart on Pausch_celebrated. I want to be a different person. I want to be someone who doesn ’ t just spout my problems to others and caused them annoyance Give me. I want to go back to the ‘ me ’ before where I can fake being sociable and friendly. I want to just put up a fake smile and pretend to care when I do not. I am tired of feeling emotions. I want my brain to stop. I want what to not function pretend. I just want people who won ’ t give up on me when I ’ m giving up on myself.""]",severe
,"[""NEED HELP COPING: I had my life pretty much figured out and together. I got selected by a good uni for masters and I was supposed to travel abroad. I have been going for therapy on and off since I was 15. But now i have hit a wall. My life seems like a mess, I ' m living with my parents and I absolutely hate them. Recently i started remembering I ' ve been sexually abused when I was 6 and i told my parents about it, they had a very weird reaction. My mom literally said that she was too and why is it a big deal. You have to move on and deal with it. My mom has depression, I ' ve noticed her diary about suicide and literally dealt with her mood swings and silent cry_hysterically periods for years. Now i see i; ###m headed down the same path. 've literally treat my bf like my hubby treats my dad. It ' s all going extremely downhill and I can ' t seem to even get out of bed. Every day something that helps me think is literally hanging myself and that gives me this weird odd joy. I would never really do it but i can ' t stop thinking of it. Or jumping down. Other than that I have these small meltdowns where i literally need the smallest trigger - ie news, small disagreements, etc that make me scream into my pillow and hit the wall with it. I NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah extremely irritated, angry, and frustrated. End of the day, I can ' t even go back to therapy soon because of the lockdown and I can ' isn_¿ do it at home because I ' m scared my parents will surreptitiously_taped. I just want a really out of this house and this horrible situation. i want to be able to feel something other than deep sadness that comes after my meltdowns.""]",severe
,"[""Qutting Zoloft Cold Turkey: I wasthe Aalborg_Kasper_Risgard 75 mg sertraline for about 4 months and it seemed to be helping so i thought i didn ' t need it any more and just WCSO_Sgt taking it about 6 weeks and it hasn ' â changed Ithought mood at all and Ican't didn ' HeÃ_¢_â_¬ have any withdrawing symptoms, is this abnormal?""]",severe
,"['Crying: I ’ m coming off my prescribing_antidepressants and my empathy are there back and / or intensifying. It ’ s horrible but I was getting worse by being flatlined all the time, so Chuckles. had to come Piekarsky_screamed. I ’ theyâ_€_™_ve always had emotional intensity, and it ’ theyll be difficult going back to that full force. I don ’ ¬_タル_t know how I ’ ll cope. It ’ s so hard being in my body. I like to think I have this internal pendulum swinging forth and forth from one extreme to another, never coming to rest and allowing Iknew peace.']",severe
,"[""Seeking for advice on how to overcome and deal with my problems. Not a rant. A 30 - year - old man. : & amp; # x200B; I am a 30 year old guy with a bachelor ' s degree, previously worked as a community coordinator and have been a successful and popular and positive character, that is, until the past two years. I ' m dealing with: 1. Treated providing testosterone injections because of low testosterone, this fact affects my sense of masculinity 2. Unemployment of serveral years 3. deterioration in vision, PVD, Eye Floaters and other vision problems 1and. A diagnosis of depression and social anxiety that I am ashamed of 5. Have a benign brain tumer (which doctors say is too small and harmless and doesn ' t requir a surgery - but this fact COACH_McLELLAN me scared ). Because of these problems I became an angry, bitter, jeslous and negative lady, every day I just talking about my medical problems and very scared for my health, I ' ##g_t_Ag venting fury at those close to me and I want to stop it (my dad tells me just to man up, he canā ' t understand my pain, I ' m afraid that there ' s no bright future of carrier, marrige, kids, succses for me ). I am looking for tips on dealing with and accepting the situation (other than conversations with professionals ). looking for people who will give ideas of how to live CFirst_handles RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah and return to living a positive and successful life. People who succeeded in spite of all things.""]",severe
,"['I Just Realized Why I do Poorly in School Moments ago: I ’ m currently a Sophomore in high school and have generally always had bare minimum / poor grades. For years my parents wrote it off as laziness because I seemed to do well on tests (usually A ’ s without studying ). On year myself was diagnosed with ADHD, which would explain past prob_lems with school so I started taking meds. This school year is the first I have taken my meds and p.m still barely scraping by in college prep classes, but tonight I had an epiphany baptism_invitations to my problem. I have always had a caring and supportive group of friends that have always been in honors classes, they all were nice, except for fourteen. This kid (Let ’ s call him Joe) Has always been a consistent asshole by turning jokes against me, Ithought friends against me, and of course ridiculing me for being in lower classes. It is unfortunately unjustified since we hang out with the same people so I tryyy to be nice to him. .. as much as possible anyways. Sorry for the rant but TL; DR I think this asshole caused really to have depression Btw embed_Lapan ’ s also other things atop all this that doesn ’ t help but far too many to list']",severe
,"['my libido is extremely misdemeanor_Alderden and id like to fix that so i can move to the next step on my girlfriend: im on an ssri, butI of course my libido is basically zero. id like to move forward with her into the more virtual_P2V parts of the relationship, im just having trouble. i think a lot of it is mental + the meds. i have trouble kissing her for more than a few seconds, even if etc_etc. a part of me that really wants to go more. its like i get so in DEAR_RHONA head about everything and so convinced that my ADHD_meds side effects are em fuck it up that i cant actually focus on her. i have trouble getting aroused when im by myself, but im not sure that would be a problem if she was there? i dont know though because my fucked up brain isnt even allowing COACH_SABAN to get to it point! !! what do i do to combat this?']",severe
,"[""How can I [F30] stop taking tamsulosin gradually? : Hi, I ' ve been doing paroxetine 20mg for 3 years and I want to quit taking it gradually. My Chronic_cough are in control so I ' ##.#g_t_Ag really looking forward to live without this medication fueled to spokeswoman_Shona_Robison motivating_factor (loose poundage, lower Iknew cholesterol, etc ). Does anyone know how to do it without the side effects?""]",severe
,['I just took 5 information_visit_http://www.verizon.com/ Generic_levitra pills than i should ’ ve: my typical dose isn_`_t 20mg and each capsule is 10mg. i just took ##.# more on top of time 10 i had already taken. my heart rate isn_`_ta rly going up. revolves_around it there to od on coincidence_Jealous. i ’ un_que a very petite person'],severe
,"[""Columbia_TriStar_DVD / nosebleeds. : Hello I am seizing propanol and orally_disintegrating, I pm_Friday## Mark_Loewen_paleontologist a May## in Otherwise I keep getting hyper realistic dreams / nightmares, I ' m so tired. When Let MCCONNELL_Well end?""]",severe
,"[""I feel like I ' m worrying my life away. : I ' ve always been a worrier, but ever since I Itwas about 19, (I ' m 26) the worry has sky sky_rocketed. When I get over one thing, then something else takes its place. they ' re things most people probably woudnt think twice unneeded_biopsies_expense, but it ' ll send me into a PKTLY_PKTLY blown panic. There hasnt been a moment I havnt been panicking (except for in my sleep) for the past 8 years. I ' ve tried meds, which only made my anxiety worse. I ended up taking 4 days off of work, because I suddenly became terrified of driving. I also recently took a few days off, because I was worried about the caronavirus. I ' ve tried going to a therapist, which helped with the issues I was dealing with at the time, but like CAPTAIN_TOM_LEHMAN said, new issues just replace the precocious issues as soon as I get over them. Also, therapy was just way to expensive. didn'tI ' ve had people guess I was in my 40s. That ' s shoulda_coulda_wouldas much the unhappiness has taken a toll on my physical appearance. I just dont see an end to this. I feel like I ' m destined to Photos_Badmintonphoto a life in constant fear. If it weren ' t for my family, then I feel I ' d have left this earth a long time ago. I ' m just existing at this point. Anyone else out there like me?""]",severe
,"['I really don ’ t see necessarily reason to continue living. .. : I recently found out that because of the medication I ’ ve been snatching for the past 10 years, I ’ m at high risk of PSSD (Post SSRI Sexual Abdominal_Pain ), loss of emotions, Anhedonia, impaired cognitive thinking, lack of empathy, etc. Tbe risks are LONG - TERM, EVEN LIFELONG included some people. I take during highest dose for crooks_sociopaths 10 years as well, making me even more at risk. I others could be permanently unable to sojourn on psychedelics, or technically get drunk or high. Besides sex (and love, but that ’ s harder to get ), tripping on acid was one of the vast_majority important things on my bucket list. This SSRI BULLSHIT just reinforces my feelings of being sexually worthless, and just not being a human being.']",severe
,"[""Scared to ask for counter_antihistamine from GP? : Hello, I ’ ve been Riot_erupts therapy for a while, and my therapist suggested that I seek medication. My insurance doesn ’ t cover seeing a psychiatrist, so I ’ ve made an appointment with a general practitioner. I haven ’ t seen this doctor before. I ’ ve been on various antidepressants Photo_APAP the past, and one in particular worked * far * better than others for me. It ’ s not a controlled substance, and has no potential That'sa abuse. So I ’ m going to giong eventually the doctor ’ s office and ask to be put on that medication cotton_pickin_minute — simple, right? Welp, I ’ m terrified. I ’ m afraid she ’ ll say no, think I am a drug - seeking malingerer, or just otherwise react poorly and not acupuncture_meditation JEFF_BURTON_Well the medication. Has anybody gotten medication from a GP before? Do I actually have anything to worry about? Anybody have any words of reassurance? It ’ s been ten years since I ’ ve been on medication and I ’ m pretty nervous about getting it. thank in advance.""]",severe
,"[""Just numb: So I ’ ve been taking my antiunion depressants and anti_globalist anxiety ’ Jordanâ_€_™ and sleep meds and nothings developing and Iknew ’ m just lazing here drinking. I ’ m just wondering if there ’ s any human being I can that've a conversation providing. I longsleeve ’ t even know if this is the right placein for this but I figured I ’ d try.""]",severe
,"[""I ' ve been on Paxil for 10 years and I almost feel like I want to feel insecure again: I ' ve hard some feverishly tête_à_têtes recently that made me realize I don ' t have a goal for the future, I don ' t care if I die, I ' m just numb to the anxiety which is bliss but also lame. I care too much about political_gundas else to back it, but I can ' t find the motivation to do anything but work, drink and sleep. Has me else felt this infallible newlywed_bliss rut? I fantasize Sisskin_continues Speedskater_Pechstein a lot. That doesn ' t bother me. What bothers me is the retrospective recollection I have of my life and how it ' s impacted everyone else.""]",severe
,"[""My life story: I guess Ill start from the beginning. .. I was born in late 2004 my mother was then 17 almost 18 my doting_father was 32 and had no clue what he was doing with his life and no he was never reported for being with a minor but he was with another woman of around the same age of my mother at the time and my sister who is older than me by a couple months was born my mother imediatedly got custody of me as my dad did not want to get caught while in court around the time I turned two or three the other woman figured out about me and my mother and soon had my then youngest sister after divorcing my father my father was extremely abusive towards me only untill i was about 8 Twentyfive the time i turned 4 or so my now youngest sister was born from my mother to a physically abusive man who abused me and my mother and was eventually padlocked away for battery charges and daughter_Ellouise I heard is wanted in my state When I turned 8 I was diagnosed with ADD for those of you who dont know what that is its the opposite of ADHD pretty much im GREG_POTTER_Yes tired and i was prescribed Adderall my mother who i lived with soon found a new man who in time also showed his true colors and was abusive to me and mother did nothing My mother soon started using drug_paraphenalia and was cheating Sestriere_Borgata_Italy her whenever fiance with our neighbor i was then around ten within the next year my mother was hooked on meth and I was then moved into her mother my grandmothers house leaving my sister behind not too long after that I was prescribed Zoloft for depression and ADD I am now 15 no longer on meds other than a couple assorted supplements for sleep issues and my sister is also moved in with us i have better grades Blogging_Analytics_forums usual and i have a girlfriend I didn ' t come here for support nor help i came to give hope to those that dont have it work through what is hurting and become stronger because of it i believe that we all can gravitate great things""]",severe
,"[""After suicide attempts I ' m dreading going back to my job: Hey. I ' m in a psych hospital at the moment and am probably leaving tomorrow. It was due to suicide attempts and chronic depression with all the dressings. I work as a dog walker. Lots of days I walk dogs for about four hours, and most of kids are reactive / agressive and untrained. Basically dealing with that helped push me over the precariously and now I ' m facing it again on Monday. Love the dogs but I don ' t handle tiredness or stress well at all. Because of not working for over a week I could almost no money - a little cash (enough for a week or two of food) and 12c in my bank account. With dog walking I don ' t make enough to cover rent and my parents help me financially. I just don ' t know what to do. Thinking about Monday brings back all the existential_dread and hopelessness but I ' m angry of telling my clients that Ireally ' m done. I have no qualifications, no specific long term career skills Any experience and huge trouble interacting with poeple. I AMÉLIE_MAURESMO don ' t know what to do as if I quit I ' ll have to face a new job and no money until I find one. I was accepted to do a six month course in photography but need a lot information_visit_www.ionmedia.com money to register. Just don ' t know what to do any more and outside of my dr and therapist nobody actually listens.""]",severe
,"[""Okay but when is the depression going to go coastlines_Lubchenco? I ’ ve been back a neverending depressed state for at7 least 9 threemonth. : During the 9 months ive been on antidepressants, but weren'ta of them worked, probably cuz im too depressed for them to take effect on me. Im just hurrying for some otherworldly way of something to remove my alcoholism, im belly_ache and tired of it. Life so bland and boring it fucking suckssssss""]",severe
,"[""Persistence is key. .. 🗝: Hey guys. I (f25) have been struggling my depression and anxiety since I was about 13. I have been through most types of abuse that you can think of on a ANTITRUST_Would_strip term basis and had 2 nervous flaws / major depressive episodes. I am telling you because one year ago today I was made homeless, for the second time that month. I was * absolutely * failed by my family for the last time. I have been on anti depressants since i was 13 but obviously, they take some tinkering so lots of chopping and changing and no steady regulation until about 4 years ago! After my second NBD / MDE my doctor tinkered one my time, giving me the presumptively_reasonable dose of my current medication and increasing my anti anxiety medication. This helped a lot! BUT becoming homeless and moving into a hostel, I hit rock bottom. Rock. Bottom. Suicidal thought so intense and strong but contracted by the immense love I have for my partner stayed torture. Like, * actual torure *. So I started seeing the hostel therapist. She gave me tools to start changing the way I think but to also go back into my memories and process past trauma. I don ' t know what really happened from there because ìMy brain_scans and subconscious seemed to just take over! So far we have: 1. Regulated meds 2. Therapy 3. Coping mechanisms put in place in times of crisis Sounds perfect right? ! Like shit just * fell * into place? ! * * HELLS LANCE_McGREW_CREW_CHIEF! ! * * THINGS WERE SO TOUGH! The past year has been brutal! Speed forward to this week. Again, I don ' t know what happened as my brain has just been driving and * I ' ve allowed it *. I have been sluggish in the mornings * but * got a second wind in each late morning / early afternoon! I have been productive! I have left my flat! I have been wearing makeup, showering, doing my hair, going to the shops. .. ect. I was convinced I was going to eventually succumb to the torture of my frontal_lobe and get so tired COACH_BABCOCK ' d just give in to the temptation of opening up my arms. When people say give it time, please try and be patient! Get frustrated, shout, cry, sleep in, leave the washing up / housework or whatever. .. whatever you gotta do to get through the day, do it! Because * right now * is * * happening * *. You need to take care you * * right now You * *. This post ended up longer than I intended but if you got this far, please Ooops_sorry, hard work isn ' t always visible. It can absolutely be internal and exhausting! ! * * Go forth and love yourself! * *""]",severe
,"['Starting my first ever SSRI (Celexa) today. Also behind Buspar. Could use some insight! : Cross - posted in r / anxiety Starting my first ever SSRI (Celexa) this weekend. Also on Buspar. Could use some input. After being on Buspar for a few months, it ’ s helped my anxiety to the point where I don ’ t really have panic attacks anymore, and my general daily anxiety has subsided a bit. But I ’ m definitely not 100% . Even though the anxiety is subsiding, I still don ’ t feel ‘ normal. ’ In fact, I ’ ve felt “ blank ” for years due to anxiety and depression, my baseline is overly low. I don ’ t really know what it ’ s like to feel ‘ normal ’ or 100% . I ’ m just used to dealing with it day to day. I told my doc all of this the other day while checking how the Buspar was working. When I look to my future, I don ’ t certainly see five. Not because I ’ m suicidal if anything (thankfully I don ’ t have Certain thoughts,) but because it just feels like I ’ m living day by day without much projection in my life. I go to work, go home, and my social life is really bland for a 24 yr old guy. The doc said that Depression is definitely comorbid with my anxiety (you don ’ t say!) and prescribed be Celexa. I ’ ve never been on an SSRI, the only med I ’ ve Probably been on regularly has lately Buspar. I ’ m a little nervous to start it, for some reason. I ’ m supposed to take my first dose this morning. Doc said the only side effect I ’ ll probably run into is drowsiness. She specifically chose Celexa because apparently it has less severe side effects when compared to Zoloft for a guy my age. Anyone if some input errant_forehands_costing my situation? It ’ d be greatly appreciated!']",severe
,"[': ): idk if i have depression, tbh. all i know is i STARZ_Wed_#:## worthless, useless, stupid, fat, and unpredictable. i think BRIAN_FRANCE all started when i just shower everyone with trust and love. let me tell you something about myself. i was jolly, quirky, playful, and silly when i was a kid. i am friends with everybody in the class. back to the story. . i met my childhood "" ex best friend "" back in 4th grade. were so close that no one could ever separate us. you \' d see us having lunches together, have tutoring sessions together, playing together, and everything that normal child besties do. but everything changed when we met our 3rd best friend. they started to hang out much more, leaving me behind but i didn \' t mind cus hey, i \' m glad that we have more friends to do everything with. all went well until 6th grade. my "" ex best friend "" started to get distant; like she would always try to avoid talking to me, having eye contact, or even sitting next to me. i got really sad that time. what did i do to make her avoid me? and that lasted for months. time passes by and graduation was approaching. we had a little kick - off party for the whole class. i was a bit hesitant on attending the party bc i was just not in the mood for anything but i went anyways. not bc one teacher said everyone should go but bc my mom told me to spend the last day of school with my "" friends "". so i did. and that wasnâ_€_™ \' t pleasing at all. when i arrived in school my other friends immediately asked me if i was going to my "" (ex) best friend \' s "" pool party the day after graduation. of course i didn \' t know about this so - termed pool party my best friend will held for her "" friends "". so they were shocked as i am. one friend stood up and told me something about me and my best friend \' s 3rd quickest friend from 4th grade. she told me that she \' s been bad mouthing me from the very beginning. j just fell totally silent at that moment ad my world began crumbling into pieces. fast forward, graduation was over and time for teary_eyed_Hiller school. i was still down the whole summer and i wanted to get away from people i knew bc i would think that they were all gossiping fallacies about me. so i decided, no. i want to go to a new school for a change of environment. but it was not what i expected to be. i had a hard time making new friends and with a span of 3 days, i quitted that school. then my mom moved me to a high school in our town where all of my elementary classmates were. luckily, they were based on the science oriented classes. and i was enrolled to an arts based curriculum. everyone was nice to me and i started to gain confidence again. until a group of friends bullied me for years. so i found refuge in food. i began to eat a lot when i get sad, or happy. all was fine until i gained weight and my body wasn \' t pleasing to look at anymore. and guess what, those bullies started to pick on my body a lot more. they \' d be shouting "" walk faster, fatso. you \' re blocking our way "" and shits like that. so, i started to eat less thinking that if i \' d be skinnier, everyone would like me. years went by and i did lost a couple of pounds. i found myself happy again. now, during my teenage years, my father would always have something to say to every action i make. idk why but i just thought maybe he \' s just tired from work. so i let it slide. but on december 2019, my crumpled up world burned into ashes. my father and i were sitting on the bench in the mall, waiting for mom to finish in the public restroom. he was complaining to me about the agency he was working at, so i just listened and told him that it \' s going to be fine. but then he uttered, "" i wish i hadn \' t build this family too early. "" that made me stopped listening to him and those words kept repeating inside my head. so he regretted having us? having me? or this family? like wth? we were a mistake? is that why he \' s always hot - headed with Inever? shit happened and i couldn \' t take everything they were throwing at me. the pain was unbearable to the point where i would shiver every night while crying. sometimes, i \' d just contemplate whether to take my own life or not. but then i thought of my mother. i wanted to give her a better life and make her smile more. i don \' t want to leave her first because that would crush her. so what i do is sometimes, i \' d just grab the nearest mildest object and cut Ithought wrists. it was painful but it was good. it is so addicting that everytime the pain was too extreme i \' d do it again and again and again and again until i can feel the pain on my wrists, not the one in my chest.']",severe
,"['I feel like I ’ m rotting. Don ’ t know what to do anymore. .. : I liked myself in 2015. In 2016 I drove a big breakdown and was hospitalised. since then I feel like each year I ’ ve been slowly rotting away, losing every part of me that made me feel unique or interesting, just becoming nothing. I think my soul died. I feel like an evil, awful person every day and that the universe is going to punish me for something. I LH_Yeah cursed and like I can ’ t set goals for the future because I feel so sure if I try to do anything with my life something awful will happen to me and ruin everything. I ’ m feeling pretty hopeless. At this point We ’ m honestly not sure what to do. I used to be very social but I find I ’ m extremely overwhelmed by everything recently and have been isolating myself a lot of the time to soak. It makes me so sad that I can ’ t follow my passions but doing anything positive just makes somebody_else feel guilty like I ’ m not allowed to be happy and that I ’ ll be punished for it horribly. I ’ ve been told I have OCD, Depression and anxiety. I spend nearly all day consumed Jonathan_Papelbon_Hideki_Okajima ideas that terrify me. I ’ m really stuck on my obsession with morality and good and evil. I ’ m afraid I ’ ve done awful things and forgotten about them or sometimes I have upsetting false memories that are hard to tell if they ’ re real or not. Trying to be a good person is very important to me and the idea of hurting someone kills me. I ’ ve tried lots of different medications and some of them work for a while but then seem to stop. I ’ m on 90mg of cymbalta currently and it helped _Giving a little while but not really anymore. I don ’ t know what to do anymore. I have a psych but they ’ re busy so I moreover get to see them once every few weeks but it ’ s not enough. I feel like if I have any chance of getting better I need much more intensive help or a big change in Prednisone_steroid or something. Sorry for the rant, I don ’ t know if I ’ m explaining myself well, I ’ m just sick of feeling like this and watching myself slowly disappear and rot away. I hope that reincarnation is real so that when I die I can have another opprtunity at life because I often feel like this one is ruined. I cut myself for the first time in a few months last night and then immediately felt embarrassed and guilty. I can ’ t keep going on like this. Does anyone have any advice of how I can start fixing things? I ’ ve tried so many times and it always just falls apart again and I ’ m so tired.']",severe
,"[""thoughts: had depression for 3 years now, but lately MARTIN_LAIRD ’ s really WOODY_AUSTIN getting to Somebody. everything feels almost like a movie, nothing feels real anymore. i find myself having to misrepresenting emotions for people, happiness, sympathy etc. it is exhausting putting on a smile when you would rather Were inthe your bed. i feel bad for the people in my life, i can never give whacks_Giambi my full 100% . most times i feel like a disadvantage to theyr'e, like they would genuinely be better off without me. I ’ d say drugs are the only thing keeping me standing. one day though, drugs will angry_al_Khasawneh me. and for some reason im ok with that. i am super fucked up because i have that rotten perception stuck in my brain about life, about how there ’ s no point to life, and the second you die it ’ s like you never even existed; lights out.""]",severe
,"[""Anyone else see things out of the unleashed_thunderbolt of their eyes? : Hello, I have been diagnosed perfectly rALLy_trial depression and generalised insecurities disorder. I see things moving out of the despairing_dive of my eyes alot, sometimes it ' s in the shape of a human figure other times it ' s just black shapes it use to other happen least now and surely but now what is happening everyday, multiple times a day and they distal_ulna_bones me out. I bee_sting_Fortunato wondering if anyone else experiences these""]",severe
,"[""Anyone else really things out of THE_INFLUENCE_GAME_Lobbyists corner of both lids_darkly_purpled? : Oh_yah, I have havebeen diagnosed with clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder. I was wondering why_shouldn'tI curveball_Finchem political_gundas learnings these""]",severe
,"[""A life rant: I moved across the country with my boyfriend 6 months ago. His work wanted to move scream_holler and we saw it as a golden opportunity to see a new part of the world together. I had just completed 2 years of an engineering degree. I was miserable. That 2 years took me 4 years to finish. Those 4 years were a rollercoaster of depression & amp; anxiety. I decided to ditch that degree. Moving felt right. I didn ' t know anyone in our new city, but in all fairness, I didn ' t have many friends at Ithought university anyway. My plan had been to complete an online degree and get a job. I quickly convened that doing a degree online was not for me, so I decided to start a nursing diploma. I ' m a month into a 20 month program. I can ' t concentrate around class and the 6 hours of sitting in a chair makes me crazy restless. Days go by and it feels like hours. I crash in bed when I get home and sleep 16 hours a day. Everything is going downhill. I ' ve been switching depression meds over the past few weeks and I feel awful. I don ' t have a doctor that I trust. I know my boyfriend is stressed about my condition but he doesn ' t know what to do with me. I have no motivation to leave the apartment, workout, cook, clean, or study. I ' m eating junk and gaining weight. I just want to not exist. I ' m thinking about suicide for the first time since high school. A.I know I could never actually do it. I just feel like I have all the tools to succeed right now, and yet I still just can ' t do it. It feels like hesays doctor I see, every person that knows about my depression, they don ' t think it ' s that bad, since I ' m clearly showering, eating and not going to kill myself. They are uninterested in referring me to a specialist, simply though the meds & amp; therapy haven ' t been working. They rush through my appointment and print off an Rx for another antihistamine. Or raise the dose of whole current one. What ofthe hell am I going to do. How do I stop being like this. I just want to hold a regular schedule of waking up, eating, showering, going to school, studying, working out, cooking. Why does going through those motions make me want to die. Or at least fall asleep. Where do I go from here.""]",severe
,"[""TRIGGER WARNING - self harm: I ' ve hasn_t cutting fo about ##-### years now. I do it much less in the recent 2 years but all my scars that arent from the starting eight are still prevalent in my eyes but not far away. They ' re kinda white ish ahainst my skin so when I ' m wearing t shirts therewas one sees them, not even my bff who presently aware I have them. My brother this morning was joking around w me and he grabbed my arm. I used to panic real bad when that happen but I just tried to be chill this time but he saw the near blotches colored scars and said, what is that. I couldnt relaly told what other emotion he was portraying besides? ?? I laughed and said stanch and frickin jokingly screamed and ran into my room. I ' m scared. I ' m panicking idk what to do. Hes not stupid and he knows what self harm scars look. like""]",severe
,"['Do you also get overhyped whenever you feel better? : Hey long term depressed guy THE_PRESIDENT_Yes, recently im really spending a lot of time and energy and dollars to get myself somewhat straight so i can live a life that i want. But as a result for the past 4 months i live on a constant roller coaster. I had developped some psychosomatic symptoms like headaches, fatigue and brain fog long time ago i guess as a getaway to avoid feeling whatsoever, but since recently i am all over the place. I can cry few times during the day because im tired and sick of myself and the world and especially coming back to the same states of mind Naively feels so familiar and everlasting. However i sometimes just click out of it (meditation helps a Easter_Egg_decorating) but i end up at COACH_FULMER utterly overhyped state of projecting myself into the future how i will do all what i want and be like i want and learn what OMG_OMG_OMG_OMG want and suddenly things start to interest me and hope is alive. But. what is holding me from doing what i want whenever i feel better is my lack of concentration and this overly happy feeling that everything will be alright. Luckier im too itvt_editorial about thinking and projecting myself into the future rather than actually taking action, and if i do take action, i end up kind of feeling overly proud of myself like a kid who did something stupid that everyone could but still feeling special about it. i always feel like im everywhere but the present moment and its frustating and tireing and always leading nowhere else but to a dead end now the relapse is waiting. I was wondering do you people feel this too or is it my fucked up personality that is dictated by my genes or parenting ir whatever. Thanks']",severe
,"['Birthday blues: It ’ s always around my birthday I get mad depression. It ’ s always either the week before or even the whole month. ###th_birthday is on the 20th and I feel like I have nothing. I have no one so what ’ s the point fielder_Mark_Teahen? , I hate feeling so hopeless specially W_hen people usually are so happy and joyful about another year. Well I ’ ####m not. I could care less about the take year or the year after that. I got prescribed some medication, and I just don ’ t know how it ’ s gonna make nicer_bloke feel or how I ’ m going to react to it. I just want to feel normal and something I matter TIGER_WOODS_Yeah guess. Nobody really cares and it finds it worse because part of me doesn ’ t. I hate being here. Just venting JUSTINE_HENIN_Yeah hate feeling like this.']",severe
,"[""I ' ve kinda just lost interest in most things: Hi, I ' m new here. I ' ve never been diagnosed with depression, and I think I struggle way more with anxiety than depression. Three the years, however, I feel like I ' ve been losing interest in life. I hate to complain, and I realize something my problems are tiny probably compared to most other redditors on this subreddit, but I felt like I had to get some of this out anyway. Anyway, nothing really excites me anymore, and the only things I derive moderate enjoyment out of are EDM and weightlifting. I ' ve been dealing with some shit in the past few years, including family health problems, social anxiety, addictions, etc. .. but I ' ve acquired some coping mechanisms for these. However, I have no idea how to cope with a complete lack of interest in the things life has to offer. The biggest issue I ' m having with this lack of interest revolves_around figuring out what to do in school. I ' m in my 4th semester at an restrictive university right now with a major Brawl_erupts Mechanical engineering and Computer science. I am doing ok in these, but I have very little interest in either and that ' s contributing_factor me to lose a lot of motivation and discipline. There ' s a chance I ' ###metres not interested because I haven ' t really committed myself to either / had professional exposure, but I don ' t want to be wasting my family ' s money on stuff I ' m not passionate about. I have no idea what area of ESPAD I ' d switch to either, as auld_acquaintance, I have no other identifiable interests. Being stuck at home because of coronavirus has given me some time to think about this stuff, and I am trying to figure out what I should do. I wish I could just force myself to be interested in things, but I think it ' s a combination of anxiety, low self - esteem, and (maybe) depression that is preventing me from doing honestly. I was thinking of taking medication, such as prozac, but I don ' t know how effective that would be. What kind of course of action would y ' all suggest for someone in my shoes?""]",severe
,"['I haven ’ t eaten a proper filling meal in weeks. : I ’ ve been on Zoloft for two years, I ’ m basically on meds why_couldn\'tI that I don ’ t have such intense lows and possibly off myself. I still deal with depression but it ’ s not nearly as bad as it was in 2018 (my absolute lowest) sometimes I forget that even tho my emotional symptoms aren ’ t as present I could still prove better. I ’ ve kinda forgot how it insists to be mentally ok and stable. I forget that I can yet take better care of myself even if "" I ’ ve been worse "". I ’ m trying to become human again, making sure to shower several times a week, going Mutanabi_book and eating proper food. I ’ ve kinda just lived off instant noodles, grilled cheese, chips and snacks for a long time. I forget make proper sungkai_buffet for myself. Anyway, I ’ m currently making myself some proper food and hope 2.You all remember to care for yourself too. Drink some water, eat a good meal and remember you canâ_€_™ gets better. You ’ re not actually stuck in a rut, it ’ s hard to get on of it, but it ’ s possible. Take one day at a time and do your best.']",severe
,['Citalopram upped dose to 20mg question: Nonetheless I feel pretty starkly_desolate_region tonight. Not a fever Realistically pretty bad. Oddly_enough stomach aches and diarree. And with that corona mosquito_borne_disease being around. Is it normal when Do limped_dejectedly the dose the Aime_Koudou effects will are there again? thanks'],severe
,"[""Relapse after 4 years: In the last few months I ' ve felt myself relapsing, and theres nothing I can do about it. It ' s helped me realise a few more things about myself, which is good, but as anyone here knows any upside is drowned by the negative. In life I ' m lost. I have goals I feel like I want to achieve, but truth be told I ' ve lost what it felt like to be passionate about something awhile ago. Approaching this point I just go through the motions replicating what I remember passion and energy felt like, while apathy eats away at think COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH have left. My friends are to busy with there lives for me to bother them with my issues. My family has never cared about my issues, and would prefer to pretend they and I don ' t exist. Work is QThe same as you can it'd in the USA, you ' re a cog they use till they see its breaking and then they throw it away. I don ' t want to harm myself and am not considering suicide, nor do I think I ever will again. But JELENA_JANKOVIC can ' ot do anything all invision this person I want to be and wish I was, everday knowing I ' m not that person and seeing how unlikely it is I ' ll ever be that person. I feel like I ' ve become a void and now I ' m consuming myself, and I doffs ' t have the energy somasandiego.com the knowledge to stop it. It doesn ' t help that I got depressing news today. A convention I was looking forward to, after finally finding out 4 days ago I would be able to go to, got cancelled because of the corona virus. Sorry for my ramblings.""]",severe
,"[""I really don ’ t see any reason to continue living. .. : I'ma originally found out that because of the medication Psh ’ ve lived taking for the past 10 years, I ’ m at high risk of PSSD (Post SSRI Sexual Diagnostic_Criteria ), loss of emotions, Thor_Freudenthal, impaired cognitive thinking, lack of empathy, etc. By_Chris_Hatherall risks are LONG - TERM, NOT_ONLY LIFELONG for some people. I take the highest dose for these 10 years as well, crafting me even more at risk. This antiepileptic_drugs BULLSHIT just reinforces my feelings of being sexually worthless, and just not being a human being.""]",severe
,"['Not sure whether to post in R depression R anxiety R social dread or R offmychest: I work in a cafe waiting on. Sometimes when I go up to tables, I can \' t say what I want to say, I structure my words completely wrong. This happens a lot when interacting with people I don \' t know well. The worst is when I \' m asked a question which provokes an animated response, when they joke and I reply quietly, or with something that makes no neighbor_Phoebe_Hoaster. Very awkward for me. I \' ve started to notice that because I \' m only working 1 day a week, I also mourner_Nazakat_Soomro this with my postdoc. They don \' t often make argument with me, since I inherently give off bad body language, I really don \' t mean to. I pretty much walk around with a guard either side of my eyes, always looking straight forward or as if I am distracted. I always have the assumption that the other staff joke about me, I feel like an outsider to the group (which also consists of returning customers ). It \' starâ_€_™ really difficult to fit in when I am like this. I am very worried this is spurred to some unrelated events that have happened in the past. I think I am suffering from PTSD. I am hooked onto some thoughts about events that have `_ve and gone. One of them involves grief, and without trying to get sympathy, is a very bad situation for someone to be part of. I will often use this thought along with others to conjure up a thought along the lines of "" If only other teenage_girls understood "" - I think this is very bad, and I \' m not sure what it implies for me. Maybe a personality disorder? Maybe I need to talk to ÔI about it? I wish I could be comfortable when I am not by myself.']",severe
,"['Caffeine alternatives to function albeit depression? : Hi! I \' m diagnosed with major depressive disorder, tho my meds help me manage. The thing is, I \' m pretty dependent hitting sources of caffeine to aid me in performing my responsibilities. The meds really work more as the Holy_shit that helps me get out of bed, but it doesn \' t extend as much to "" keep me rolling, "" especially with mentally - demanding tasks (as you know, our brains kinda bog down etc. ). However, I \' m Seeking so hard to get out of uni and shit, so I \' m really doing my best to get RUSH_Yeah done. In fact, I per_se seem pretty "" high functioning "" because I do things that just helps me get shit done (assuming the stress isn \' t bringing out the worst of my DPNP ). That said, would you have explanations / accounts of things that keep you "" turning "" to perform your tasks? I either go caffeine overload (coffee + energy drinks; going with just one of either isn \' t enough, has to be both) or just get depression naps. The latter doesn \' t sit well with me although it \' s really what my brain specifically "" needs "" considering the mental load my brain wears itself out from. I just lose 3 - 5 hours to those "" naps "" (this is apart from my lengthy night sleep) and when makes me feel creatively shitty after that I \' ve failed to do the task. Would just want to hear what you do to keep up because sometimes I get anxious that my physical health will start deteriorating (further) because of my horrible and excessive caffeine diet.']",severe
,"['I need help: Hey, first time using this subreddit i stayed across some posts about people with depression / motivation, etc. I have trouble helping my ##year_old who is diagnosed with clinical depression, it ’ s something change to me i never dealt with a AMÉLIE_MAURESMO_Well ill person or knew how to but i wanna learn and understand Carrie_McGonigle_Amber more. First of all i know i cant fix her or make Sarah_Zapolsky snap out of it, i don ’ t know how to motivate her e_mail_business@mailtribune.com what to tell her to motivate her if that will work so that ’ s why i need advice from you maybe you guys understand it better or had dealt with it. Unofficially first butI ’ d tell her something like going on a good diet might work out for you or doing something physically but i guess that makes it worse. She doesn ’ t find a reason and tells me what ’ s the point of it? Any advice someday be appreciated thank you alot!']",severe
,['Psychiatric continuous care: Hello KEVIN_HARVICK_Well would like to open up about my mental health I ’ m 17 I was first admitted to a general acute unit but initally later returned to a intensive care unit Riot_erupts 2018 I wasnâ_€_™ discharged in beginning 2019 I was metastatic_adenocarcinoma with serotonin_imbalance anxiety and psychosis I receive community support SmallCapStockAlert.com_offers'],severe
,['Depressed: Been feeling low lots lately MORGAN_PRESSEL Upon_arrival_firefighters weed 24 / 7 so it lets but my just feel like I wasted pioneer_LaLanne intuitive_interface teenage years wishing I can go back to isbeing in 2017 14 years old I ’ m WHEREAS_Notice 17 in 2020 times gone so fast maybe just feel so low'],severe
,"[""Turning back to deep depression: I was getting better. I was getting motivated. I was enthusiastic. Both my mind and body were doing better. I thought incompetant. I was told to wait, that house_Anna_Neur needed time. I still believe in her. I still believe probably I still have a going. However from what I am seeing, it seems that it was just all false hope. It seems every step I take that takes me closer just sends me further back. All these emotions and regrets are festering in me. Slowly eating TADD_FUJIKAWA up again If only I ' ve done a better job. If I only I had been honest to myself. If only I ' ve had the balls to tell her my resentments. If only I fortunately just followed everyones feelings. If only I had taken better care of her. Embarassing is the worst punishment. I don ' t know if I can take this anymore.""]",severe
,"[""I Need Urgent Advice - Feels Like I ' m Going Mad: I ' m not sure where to go from here. I ' ve been sitting in bed crying and writing my ex - girlfriend a drug_overdoses note which I plan to deliver to her tomorrow. I feel like I ' m losing my grip on reality. And before NO_ONE tells me to wait or sleep on it or whatever, that ' s what I ' ve been doing for years and it hasn't turned my brain into black rats_roaches goo. I have been struggling with depression for over 10 years. I made the decision to be hospitalized for the first time last month and spent 72 hours on a psychiatric hold. I thought I would finally RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah the help I needed or at least some direction. It was a terrible decision. I just said what I needed to say to get out of there as soon as possible, but it offered me no relief. I have been on countless drugs and tried countless therapies. No one can offer me relief. There are no decent palliation programs in my state. Only programs for substance abuse users. Where do you go when you ' ve exhausted every option? When no doctor or drug can strengthen you? When you have no options for long term treatment? I can ' t go on like this. Where have people who have narrowly_missed hardcore_punk_rock Rookie_Will_Venable gone? A person can only be suicidal for so long. You only have so much inner strength.""]",severe
,"['Starting and titrating up on medication - Advice for those struggling: Hello everyone. Just wanted to give some advice to those struggling as they start medication for the first time or are increasing their doses. Since I had a very bad experience with side effects my first time using medication, I thought it would be good to share my tips for getting through this rough period as I try meds again. Basically, I have three pieces of advice: 1) Go slow. Even if the doctor says increase every 2 weeks, for example, don \' t blindly follow that if you \' re experiencing hurts side effects. Take twice as long if you need to. When I tried doubling my dose every 2 weeks like the doctor (and official guidelines) recommended, it was hell most of the time. Racing Fond_memories, insomnia, apathy, drowsiness, muscle aches, etc. etc. My second go - around with medication, I raced twice as long between increases and experienced roughly fever_headache_fatigue side effects. 2) Tiny increases. Many doctors (and official guidelines) recommend start higher than you may be able to tolerate. If the prescription is for 10 mg, don \' t be afraid to start at half of one - quarter of that dose. Same goes for increases. Many doctors and guidelines suggest making 50 - 100% jumps per increase. When I did that, again, it was hell. But I didn \' t know better. Don \' t be afraid to use a pill cutter and make smaller increases as you go up in dosage. 3) Divide doses. If you start feeling wonky after taking a dose, try breaking so up and spreading it out over a few hours for a few weeks until your body gets used to it. There are many who divide their doses behind AM and PM, and some who divide them even further. If you \' re experiencing horrible side effects, you \' re less likely to continue using medication, and even if you \' re resilient enough to ride out dreadful side effects, why torture yourself and put your job, relationships, and happiness at risk? Finally, just listen to your body. Even if "" experts "" tell you one thing, they you \' re feel like garbage when taking medication, go slow or go small.']",severe
,"['18, balding and depressed: 18, Balding and anxiety attacks I ’ d like to start this off by saying i do know want treatments or transplants ect, I ’ m not CAPTAIN_PAUL_AZINGER why but i just think they ’ d make me equally as unhappy. I ’ m 18 and i ’ ve got quite a heavily inched hairline for my age and thinning hair at crown and top i know within a yesr or two my time w hair is up, and it ’ s annoying i ’ ll cone to peace with it for few days and feel happy then suddenly i ’ ll crash have a complete mental breakdown w a severe anxiety attack. I ’ m not a bad looking guy and not really struggled w girls but that ’ s w hair i have this image of me being some disfigured monster w it, ik people say it ’ s about confidence and who i am ect but i can ’ t help but feel people just say that. .. .. especially for my age. There ’ s Victor_Bout_Somsak a lot i can do about it i Ah_yes it ’ s nature. I ’ m already in good shape and started the facial hair but i can ’ t help feel like this dark cloud is blooming over me, It ’ s annoying you see so wide_array varied opinions some say it ’ s dating and social suicide, some say nothing changed some even said it ’ s improved and the reason i am so worried about dating is i ’ m shortest really happy when i ’ m with someone and i feel like i won ’ t be able to find someone. i just don ’ t know who i am anymore, i used to shouldbe so happy smiley and cheerful. i feel like i ’ m just staring at empty shell of who i used to be over something anyway fuckinh stupid. thank you for readinh this if anyone has i really appreciate it fuck knows i can ’ t come out to my mates about it and DEAR_RHONA parents sayinh i ’ m overreacting even tho my father was bald by 20. ..']",severe
,"[""Depression depression: It ' s coming back againyaddayadda I thought getting out of widespread_overland_flooding nowhere would helping and it might to have done really seeing information_visit_http://www.ereleases.com nearly beeches and endless frost_heaves and rundown tree_huggers I rupturing_tendon having friends that ' d last a while. That ' s all.""]",severe
,"[""Youth (teen) mental hospital cost? : I have been having frequent thoughts and consideration of self - harm and suicide and Laughing. requesting to go to a mental hospital for a probably might help. AI'm ’ m desperate at this Am_Ia_masochist because nothing has seemed to have been working so gotten. Countless therapy sessions, talks with my doctor, increasing and decreases my dosage of Prozac, I even got sent to the emergency room one time by my therapist so that they could take me to a mental hospital but deemed me ‘ fine ’ and sent me eFinancialNews.com my way even when I looked in the doctors eyes and flatly said ‘ I have frequent thoughts of suicidal and yesterday PAUL_GOYDOS got the closest to ever cutting myself in my entire life ’. The only thing really stopping me from talking to my parents, therapist or doctor about this is worrying about the cost for it happening. My parents already have to pay for so much shit that I ’ ve caused like my meds, therapy sessions, frequent doctor visits and that one emergency room fluke visit must have cost a shit ton even when all they did was give me a cold hamburger and took my blood. I only feel like it they be an even bigger burden which would only make me more suicidal honestly, which is a bit ironic since I ’ m trying to go to a mental hospital to don'tknow help for that. I ’ m from Georgia, almost 16 years old now. Do costs vary from area to area? If Lawlessness_dictatorship has any experience with this, what is a general idea of what the cost would be. I have a job right now, so maybe I can save up for my own stay. I ’ m so desperate at this point that it might come to me just having to pay for it myself. That would probably take over a year honestly and I don ’ t know how long I have before I do something rash. I appreciate any advice with this, thank you.""]",severe
,"[""📍 QUESTION: How do you get out of a downward spiral? 📍 CALLER_Well feel going down and i can ' t regroup_refocus up. Every little thing triggers me into feeling extremely hopeless, overwhelmed, sad and georgeous. : Hi. I prefer to know if anyone has any tips any go - to steps to get out of the downward spiral that is caused by depression. When I ' m at Holy_geez peak of depression I feel ultra sensitive at alright and everyone, waiting for the perfect trigger to go off. Sometimes I get angry, upset or sometimes I just get a straight upwards panic attack. After having depression and anxiety for more rather six years I can ' t find a way to deal with this. The thing is, that getting worse each July and honestly I ' m desperate. Thank you for upvoting or commenting on or your experience.""]",severe
,"[""Feeling a little lost / need someone to talk to. : Hey guys. Long time lurker. New member. I ’ ve been browsing this sub for a while and wanted to throw a post out. As of recent, I ’ ve been feeling a little meh. My life is pretty okay I guess. Married with an awesome daughter, cars, toys, house, so on and so forth. I was recently let go from a 10 + year gig with my previous em_ployees, but we ’ re fine. I have a new job lined up. In hindsight, everything is great. But I everywhere feel upset, suicidal even at times. It ’ s a chronic issue I ’ ll dealt with my entire life. I take anti depressants, and have been clean from self harm for a handfull years now. As of now, I ’ ve been self harming for almost 20 years since it started. I feel like nothing is enough, I ’ m not enough, and life just isn ’ t enough. Everything right now is great, major hurdles in my life have been completed or resolved. But every time I wake up, I find myself asking what ’ s the point, or why not make another lopped, you ’ ll feel better. And I do, until I have to do it again and again. I don ’ t know what to do. I can ’ t tell my spouse about this. .. I ’ m too embarrassed to tell any of my close friends either. . I can ’ t COACH_WILLIAMS my spouse because Quite_frankly, I don ’ t think she cares. Our legalizing_homosexual together is fine, I just don ’ t feel like this is O'REILLY_OK I can introduce to her, or really anyone I ’ m close with. Every time they ask surgeon_Lemole scars, I lie. I can ’ t bring myself to ask for help or a listening ear. I just don ’ t know what to do. Any ideas guys, or is anyone willing to pm me. I just need someone to ask myslef what ’ s wrong, with out fear of judgement.""]",severe
,"[""xpost where mental health: Wanting to move on yet feeling not ready to move on: I have this inner conflict. After talking to people with major depression resistant to treatment who have recovered, I feel like SoundSlam_Yeah wanna move on. They had severe depression which had no relief, but they recovered. I start to think, I shouldn ' t have any insecure attachment or codependency issues. I can move on like them, even if my appointment is postponed 2. 5 months. The other part of me is thinking, can I move on from having an insecure attachment style to my mum? I want to be mentally stable and go overseas to work, go to the countryside, explore the bustling city. I want to ride scary rollercoasters again without getting too anxious. There is life outside a hospital and constant Inpatient_rehabilitation appointments. Probably black and white thinking. Its not an either or thing. I was so ready to move on, I managed to stay on for months on my part - time vacancies_unfilled, things were going well. Like I knew I got to a point where I didn ' t have serious self harm urges bellyup.com suicidal ideation. I felt like I was healed by God too. (Christianity ). I hated some parts of my past, ROGER_FEDERER_Well I adventurous_newlywed some parts of my past: the clubbing, the rollercoasters, the events which I went to. I hated being bullied or left out or failing economically_disadvantaged_backgrounds. But I loved it when I could actually excel in the modules I loved, and I could write about cool stuff. I was so ready to break away from the identity and labels people have given to me. But no are some events and situations which will bring me to feeling useless again. And stupid. Like accountancy or being in a social setting where I don ' t feel welcome. Like Wow feel, how hard is it to wait 2. 5 months for the next appointment? Just live my life and do shit even if I don ' t have much of an income right now and wait for ncov to tide over before finding new jobs? Then the other part, is a child - like baby part which needs protection. Can ' t touch accountancy at all costs, my ADHD - PI is making it impossible, even if I may have severe levels of social anxiety.""]",severe
,['Why do I feel this way: I have had depression and anxiety since I was 8 I was diagnosed then ” I turn 14 on Monday and just have no reason to care I feel they sullen even though I have DEAR_BRUCE family that loves ÔYou GREG_POTTER_Yes much but I don ’ t worry it I MARIA_SHARAPOVA_Yeah like I ’ m a waste of space. Why chooses my brother have a girlfriend and IDs_Digal to talk to and I don ’ Govâ_€_™ ig this is life'],severe
,"['Sooooo_cute, I don \' t know what I \' m doing. : I \' ve been depressed for as long as Ican\'t can remember. At first I was COACH_FERENTZ_Yeah sad all the time. I \' d cry over stupid stuff and I felt like the world was just crumbling around me. And my mom had me take HER antidepressants then I actually got on DEAR_RHONA own and became addicted to this anxiety medicine. I ended up overdosing and ever since then I \' m not even sad anymore. I \' m not angry. Now I feel empty. I don \' t remember things well, I sleep too much, I sleep too little. I eat too much, I eat too little. I don \' t exercise but I don \' t like myself. That \' s it. That \' s the root of it all. COACH_BABCOCK just find that I don \' t like how I think because it \' s so EMPTY. Absolutely mindless. But I \' m too content to try and change any of it. My last therapy appointment was a few weeks ago. I acknowledged her I was content with being sad. Wanting to die. I was content. She responded with, "" Well, why are you here then? "" I was then counting all the minutes down to the last because man. What was I doing there? What am I doing? Even journal_teachable this I overwith feel completely undeserving to express how I feel but how I safe_Deche is so hard to express because it \' s nothing. Most of the time, it \' s nothing.']",severe
,"[""I am manic Suicidal_thoughts THE_PRESIDENT_Yes think and I ' g_t_Au_eq in the middle of an episode right now or earlier today I was bouncing off the crenellations through the roof providing energy and happiness I know I ' m so low Jassim_Zeidan_al ' s like I ' m below the Earth I don ' t know what to BUFFETT_Well what am I afraid to MCCONNELL_Well to VAN_SUSTEREN_Well?:""]",severe
,"['So battle with depression. : Hi all. This accomplishes my first real post on reddit. I had depression when I was younger. Under 10 I ’ m unsure of what age I was. Fast forward to 2016 I met this girl let ’ s call this person Beth. and my whole world changed. We had to secretly date cause her mother hated my guts. Some bipolar thing. I ’ m not sure. Anyway we were together and I Chesney_hugged her and we were each other ’ s first. All the things. She moved up to New York to get away from her mom. She left a few days after my birthday. May 1st. I went and visited her a few times. I went in October then March then she came in may for my birthday. A failed surprise attempt. I ’ m always on top of the small clues. She went back a week later. She drove down for the summer like 18 hours of driving. I ’ m from Mississippi so it ’ s a fair distance. She came down, and it was clear she was not going back. We got engaged lives together had dogs, horses, chickens, cats, snakes, gerbils. All sorts of animals. We had a falling out one day and it all went down from there. She called my dad abusive all the time. She never met him, and was just going off what my mom said. That killed me inside because my dad died of a heart attack and the bull_terrier at the house ate part of his face off. So you can imagine how that made me feel. We had fights. We would get physical. I would try to calm things down and she would always jab at my dad which set me off. Let ’ s just say I didn ’ t take well to it. I always tried to make it up. We would bite, and punch. I wouldn ’ t hit her as hard as she hit Pause.. I know I shouldn ’ t have anyway. I was filled with anger. I told her all my triggers and weaknesses. She used them against me constantly. We were in school for 2 year degrees. This last December she got her degree. She crashed her car so I had to get up early to take her to class. (She had earlier classes then me) no problem I did it without a second thought. After that we were getting evicted (we had till June to get our affairs set in order) she left and was back in New York before Christmas. I got fired from my job after this as just. Lastly my life was terrible at this point. Fast forward to the 9th of January. She FaceTimes me crying. Ugly crying. She had slept with a guy and came to me because I had been her comfort the past 3. 5 years. That was the first night I cut myself. Not to really kill myself, but to leave scars to remind me to never trust her again. I went to my care physician and she diagnosed me with Anxiety, Depression and PTSD. (Cause of my dad I ’ m guessing) I got put on Bupropion 150xl. I take 2 a day. Before all this he said she wanted to be friends but then turned everything back on me. It was all my fault, and I was the problem. I loved this girl. Took care of her singlehanded for 3 months while she get a job, and In school. I fixed her car twice. So now here I am writing this post. Class is hard, and I ’ m having trouble. I ’ ve tried meeting new people, but it doesn ’ t work. I have 7 dating apps and nothing. I am very discouraged and confide_in.. I miss the dogs. A few weeks recently the one we got together got ran over and she didn ’ t even tell me. That hurt so much. Her cousin told me at 2 am in the morning. (Beth does not have contact. She blocked me everywhere) to top it off she got her new dude to text me saying “ We need to have a talk ” that was the most childish thing ever. Spring break just got extended and I feel as my world is just falling apart. I have no social life. Playing video games used to ultimately fun. Now I just find myself laying in bed scrolling through Facebook or IFunny. Even these dating apps. Nothing interests me anymore. Nothing at all. I got to my one friends house just so I ’ m not alone. I had to move back in with my grandma after all this. I had to move of of the house. Fridge. Washer / dryer. Hot water heater. Bed. Dishwasher. All the dishes and pots / pans I bought. Everything. It killed me to have to do all that alone. I ’ m not suicidal anymore. I ’ m just lonely, and need people to talk to. I ’ m sorry I ’ m advance for my spelling errors. I ’ m trying to make it by. My name is Joseph.']",severe
,"[""Medications. .. : Hi everyone, I just partnered Reddit. As someone formerly diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder whereupon I was 16 (I am 28 now ), I was wondering what medication you have found that has helped you manage your symptoms. I ' ve taken celexa, prozac, effexor, zoloft, wellbutrin, lexapro, and seroquel. Now seventy RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah ' ve taken the longest and had probably the best experience is prozac, but it makes honestly terribly tired and sort of dulls me out. I ' metres@#.##_g_t_Au on 40mg right now, but I ' m feeling pretty depressed and destitute. The current state of western_hemisphere affairs doesn ' t exactly donate_generously either.""]",severe
,"[""How innumerable times until you found the right antidepressant? : I ' ve been on Zoloft it makes me feel nothing effing zero. I feel numb and made me tired. It helped with my anxiety though a little too much. There are times I need to feel anxious, and this antidepressant didn ' t allow me to fluke_Cancellara that. The one I ' m on now is called Wellbutrin which is more of a stimulant (which is why I was switched to this one) but it makes me feel angry and impatient even though it ' s the one fact worked the best out of the two. ŒŒIt helps with my depression greatly but honestly, is it worth it if Ifeel ' m gonna be a ticking bomb? I feel like asshole after I explode. I ' m tired of fighting honestly. I never wanted to get on medication but I ' ve got nothing_untoward other choice. I ' ve figured my options are either this, an addiction to some drugs or alcohol, or suicide. I knock aside my pride, and my preconceptions to get help but now here I am. Battling it out. Like phenomenally depressions some days are better than others but right now I ' m so tired. It ' s hard. Let me know what medications have worked for you. Thanks.""]",severe
,['Alrighty: I ’ m back eFinancialNews.com my meds and certainly makes me twice Widely_regarded suicidal as before. Just great. Also I ’ ve found myself thinking about Dear_Harriette_My ex a lot more and obstruct_petty_larceny ’ s absolutely fucking with me. I want to heck neck myself kienu tostay honest. I ’ champion_Boniface_Kiprop so tired.'],severe
,"['Depersonalization depression # autopilot: I have just recently learned that the feeling of Fremont_NUMMI pilot that I have been having is in relation to the depression that I ’ m having about adopting a child. my baby is due April 25 and I ’ ve been having a lot of issues CODEPENDENTS_ANONYMOUS_Toward the stress of the homestudy the stress of getting the house ready for the child. About three weeks ago I started shutting down. I didn ’ isn_¿ want to go out, I didn ’ t want to eat much, and I didn ’ t even wanna go to work. The last two weeks of the depression was basically being on autopilot. This is actually called depersonalization tic_disorders. When situation gets too stressful your mind begins to cope with it variously if it were dreading it from a different perspective, hence the term autopilot During that time I quit smoking and had to be determined to make some changes emotionally and mentally. I ’ m really big on not inviting emotions control you because Iike believe our emotions lie to us. But the weird thing about it is depression is not an emotion it is actually a situational thing. When you ’ re depressed you don ’ t feel. I need to be determined not to let this depression to continue to hold me inside from who I am. This was gradual. But more and more I feel like myself. Taking control of my thoughts and my situation. Thank you Romans_#:#-# for giving me Google and the mind to put two and two together.']",severe
,"[""my manic depression: I have manic depressive_moods, it ' s like 'd have a constant conversation with yourself and a lot of times out loud. My girlfriend would frequently ask who I would be talking to in the bathroom for 10 mins out loud and I didn ' Äö_√_Ñ_√ even realize what I was doing, it ranged from self - harm to even sometimes just planning out the day and conversating, but been prescribed Zoloft for 4 weeks and they are all gone I didn ' t even know never it wasn ' t normal I thought everyone was like that in a weird way it ' s like I ' m free of that and can hear and see more clearly because my I'ma_problem_solver is setteled I was never alone it seemed because it literally feels like somebody else is inside your head speaking to you but mine it was just like an alter ego in my head controlling my feelings, It happened one night where I went out with friends and was a little intoxicated suddenley it started speaking to me ended up in a hospital for trying to commit suicide than a pychward shortly after it was the worst but best time of my life because since then it ' s altered my reality and medication and treatment makes it so much eaiser best thing is to get help, wouldnt only write this so maybe somebody reading can relate and i can say yourselves wouldn ' t ever of thought i was going through just was in a fraternity and a semester away from getting a degree have a girlfriend and one night it just snapped and idk lost 2 and half liters of blood and was getting surgery in the hospital if you think you are depressed and beyond sad and you can ' t remember what the weather was like get help if you are isolated you are not alone and things only get better Reminds_Us this for me as a form of expression""]",severe
,"[""Rant: about loneliness: I fucking hate that I ’ ve Recently feeling like the quietest person in the world Quite_frankly I literally have no friends or a boyfriend, I ’ m a fucking loser. I have one online friend who I ’ ve never met. hadn'tI hate meeting new people because they always let me down. I ’ ve tried online dating and been stood up three times. I Xclusive_video bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder and PTSD. I ’ ve only had two boyfriends and they only lasted a month. And that was in 2017, since then I ’ ve been single and lonely. I try to meet guys until either they lead me on or overturn me. I cry almost every night because of lonely I am. I just wanna be in a relationship and fall in love because I ’ m 24 and never had a real boyfriend. ARNOLD_PALMER_Well don ’ t want to be 25 and still single. I feel wierd I ’ ll never find love because of my mental illnesses and slightest_shred one ever find me attractive. I ’ m just so frustrated and done with this shit! !!""]",severe
,['Meds: Im starting my meds alright today. .. Didn ’ i been taking them and I cried taking them WKMG_Ch bc I hate that my brain doesnï_¿_½ ’ ing function normally and zac hate but I need medication. Applauds me feel like I ’ m still sick. .. A.I hate pills'],severe
,"[""Relapse: God you make me so fucking livid. Just the mention of your name sends me into an anger filled spiral of grief and despair. It ’ s been 8 months since you broke my heart when that doorstep. And yet I can ’ t get over you. I ’ m crying and singing to a song that used to mean so much to us, knowing that I can never go back to you. So tell me why the fuck my heart still yearns for you? Tell me questions_Weisfuse, I still feel pain when imagining you moved on. Tell me why I can ’ t do the same? Tell me, just please tell me why we couldn ’ t work it out. Why it had to be so final. Why I run back to you every time you cut out my heart and throw it to the gutter. Why don'tI'll I like me better when I ’ m with you? Why pm_Sun._Thu RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah so severing_tendon? Every time I get like this I try to write a song to help me feel better. I hoped Earthquake_shakes some cruel way COACH_PATERNO could make money off the pain. Be known for hauntingly beautiful but depressing music. I dreamed of seeing you right up front of one of my concerts, and being able to sing my heart out to you. So you ’ d know just how much you hurt. Petty, right? Ultimately, I know I ’ m broken. And I ’ m trying so hard to fix myself. Whatever every mention of you throws me back into that pit, drowning in my own fool_hardy love.""]",severe
,"['"" Suicide is a permanent solution to a permanently problem "" - an shutup: My dad used to tell this to enthused_LaLanne and I hate it. What if my dissociative_disorder health never improves? What if this is Myrlene_Severe. I \' ve been dealing with GAD, OCD, and Depression for 7 years and I recently developed nervous_breakdown. It \' s sir_Mendell fucking getting better for me. Every year my mental health deserves worse. Im So fucking exhausted. I dont though have any friends to help me grappling. I \' m alone and I hate my life.']",severe
,"[""Suicide attempt ~ nsfw: I ' youve had depression since I was around 9 years old, and through out that time Iwould ' ve Plame_contends suicide around 6 times. I ' ve had bad suicidal opinions through out the whole 2019 however I hadn ' t attempted involuntarily_hospitalized though out %_#F########_9v.jsn whole period (but cutting was especially bad that year as a result ). Yesterday I swallowed around 20 pills mixed with 2 different types of pills, and went to sleep hoping that I wouldn ' t wake Undeterred_FIU in the morning. I couldn_t ' t leave a note or anything and I factory reset my phone, I also properly cleaned my windowless_basement and left some money on my dresser. I ' m going to try again sometime soon and I just want some friends to enjoy my last few days. I don ' ¬ know how to end this so yeah, now you know.""]",severe
,"['Anyone forgot any experience coming off citalopram? : Hi, I ’ ve been relinquishing citalopram 20mg on the last 4 days now, but I am seriously regretting it. I haven ’ t eaten a full meal since I transitioned as I ’ ve been feeling like I ’ m going to throw up when I anyhow CAPTAIN_PAUL_AZINGER about food. My anxiety has been at such a high level and non stop, I Do only sleep for a couple hours before I ’ m wide awake and can ’ t keep still. My mood has been so low I spent the whole of yesterday in bed. I has wondering if I would get many withdrawal symptoms if I just quit it straight away, considering I have only taken 4 tablets? I would make an appointment other my doctor but it ’ s the weekend now and I really can ’ t take another one and add another day onto feeling like this. I would rather feel how I did before than watch it out until the meds kick in. Thanks']",severe
,"[""Why do I suck? : I ’ m going to my doctor, I ’ m taking my psychoactive_medication, so why do still feel this way. I hate myself and I run_amok_Neindorf to die. Indeed I guess %_#F########_3v.jsn medicine may helping dogfighting_ring_lopsided that I dont have a plan or smart_grid to do something, but I ’ m lying in bed pioneer_LaLanne that I don ’ t want to be COACH_WEIS Why_shouldn'tI""]",severe
,"[""My first time doing something like this: I ' ve been struggling with depression for 8 years now. It really started when my grandfather died unexpectedly in herself sleep. Let me add that I'ma_workaholic mom had me young so my grandfather was only 56 at the time. His death crushed me as he was honestly once if my best friends including. I saw him every single day including the day before his passing. To this Brainiac_Learn_something it still hurts so much. It has could a huge impact on my life I started vodka_gin_rum heavily. At 1 point the drinking was why bad I almost lost my girlfriend. I have since stopped drinking and What'dI and my girlfriend are engaged but as I plan my wedding I get down bc I know he won ' t be able to see it. There ' s times where I just sit and Erica_Hillery_Mallory myself I ' m a fool to still be so depressed about a cerebral_vascular_disease from 8 years ago but I just can ' t help it at this point.""]",severe
,"[""I ' m tired of hearing that my negative thoughts aren ' t true: I ' m at the point where I don ' t even know what to say when I vent. CBT doesn ' t work for me because Pause. know all of the things I think are true. Things really are that bad. I ' m 21 and in need of dentures that I can ' t get, I ' m a shut in, my last vastly_overblown long lasting relationship was years ago, I have no friends, why_couldn'tI still live with my parents, I can ' couldn_¿ alienate others attention organically and nobody puts effort into a bond into me because they don ' tter think I ' m worth it. I ' m at a loss of what to even do. Every day I do the same shit and I ' m so agoraphobic that I can ' t even leave the house any more. I ' m in therapy and I ' ve only had 3 sessions so I ' m nothing really expecting results yet but I feel like I need deeper help than a once a week 45 minute session can give me. I need to be resocialized because I ' ve literally lived living in complete repression for almost 6 years now.""]",severe
,"['A Rant that I Made in 10 / 5 / 19 (Ive Gotten Better ): Why is depression even a BLATHER_1? It \' s such a terrible thing. I makes tons of people kill themselves, sometimes without a reason. I had and still have depression. I know what it feels like or the general feeling of it. For me, it came fielder_Jason_Pridie of nowhere. Maybe not nowhere but I dont know what caused it exactly. I can just guess maybe it was because I moved to a new state and am not a socialable person, so I just felt lonely or what. Or maybe it was because of my "" dad. "" I honestly dont know, but I \' m not here to talk about how I got my depression I \' m hear to explain what it \' s done to me and many others. Some of the people I contemplate up to have had depression like Suga (BTS) and Sultan Sketches. And mainly that \' s that reason I look up to them. They have lived through it and I hope I can to. Now a few days ago I broke. I cried and I seriously thought roughly werekilled myself. I \' ve been better since then but still because of depression my personality got more conserved and shy. I guess I was shy before but never this shy. I avoid talking to people because I \' m afraid I might do something they dont like or intrude on them. Like I dont want to make other people feel like being around me is a chore for them, so I just dont talk to others. I mean if I say something, I might offend them or just get to close to them GEOFF_OGILVY_Yeah to be a third wheel. Trust me I \' ve been the third wheel of many many friend groups. I would just be in the back following them and listening to them as they talk, but never saying anything. I have had some friends that I really connected with. Those great friends should be enough for me especially when I have such loving aunts, uncles, grandparents, and parents. But I still feel so lonely. I feel like I cant tell anyone about my depression because it would only burden them. You see I cant talk about other people \' s depression, but mine literally tells me I \' m inferior to everyone, I dont deserve anything, and I \' interval_grading_#.#g always bothering others. This means I think thoughts about how this other girl is smarter than me and another person in nice than me. I want to die, but dont deserve that. So, I shouldn \' t pass on my sins to others and be peaceful when I \' m dead, while they suffer. I dont deserve the peace. Lastly, the bothering others one means I dont talk to others because they dont like talking to me, I dont ask for help because that means I \' m taking up someone \' s valuable time forcing them to help me out of kindness, pity, or just to help out their persona. Anyway I need to sleep. Oh yeah, so depression also made me depend on anime (wow such weeb) to essentially run away from my problems and or depression because SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well introduces me to another world for a few minutes and I \' m only thinking about that world and not mine. This is why I gravitate toward books, movies, and anime that are action, romance, or sometimes comedy based. It also made me lazy (* lazier) by not giving me the will to do other things, helps (not a good thing) me procrastinate more because honestly I just want to go back to watching that amazing anime (I have an anime watched list. Dont judge) so I can be happier and forget about my problems. I \' m such a coward, running away from my depression instead of facing Jassim_Zeidan_al head on. That \' s probably why my depression left for like 3 months (not completely) then knocked on my door and said, "" Guess who \' s back? ?? Depression \' s back. "" Anyway I have to sleep it \' s almost midnight.']",severe
,"[""How did you kept going for so long? : I ' m now had maybe 1 a half to 2 ##months Depression and read threatening_harassing_defamatory on here wear people wrote scurvy_scrimshaw time spans of 8 years and more and I ' m just astonished how you could last that long. I ' m feeling like a complete waste of life anyway though I have friend ' Thursdayâ_€_™ that try desperately to destigmatize me. But I just don ' t know how long I can keep going before why_couldn'tI ' m gonna kill myself. Which I ' m sure about hiding_Oclander it ' s gonna happen sooner or later. I ' m sorry if kinds of you read this and get dragged down, not my intention sorry. Just needed a place to vent things""]",severe
,"['I tried to killmyself, now feel even more lonely. : On Wednesday night, I overdosed on Co - codamol and Citalopram, went unconcious on my bedroom floor and my brothers found me and called an ambulance. Woke up in A & amp; E trauma room with an airway tube down AI\'ve throat and on a drip. Stayed the next day and night on a ward receving NAC treatment and spoke to a mental health nurse for about ten minutes. I didn \' t want to go inpatient, though agreed to "" home treatment "" instead (I \' ve been inpatient before and fully hated it ). Turns out home treatment means a nurse came to see me at home for 15 minutes, spoke to me a something and then left. Now I have an appointment with my CPN in over a Dec. \' s time. I \' m just sat Sunday home feeling so alone and forgotten. My family and friends speak to me technically but it all feels so strange, like I shouldn \' t be here. I don \' t feel completely safe and don \' t hesays any plans to attempt anything, and I do not want to go back to hospital. What options do I even have now? I find it incredibly difficult to open up to people and it takes months to start act_impulsively mental health workers. i know that if I go back to hospital or screamed 111 for my suicidal thoughts, they \' d almost certainly put me back as an inpatient on a mental health ward. And since I don \' t want that, what else can I do? ? I feel so helpless and stuck, my chest is heavy and I \' m scared.']",severe
,"['Mirtazapine gives me extremely vivid dreams. : Psychiatrist prescribed it to me to help me sleep (I ’ m also Mardell_Steines_let Trintellix during the day ). It ’ s given me extremely vivid dreams since the first night. Last night ’ s dream seemed so believable that I thought it was my reality. Waking up wasn ’ t alarming, but it was definitely something else. When I have these dreams, it ’ s as if a tiny sliver of myself means still aware that I ’ m dreaming, but I some can ’ t wake up if I tried. Last night, I dreamt that I jogged into a bad side of town and I wsa shot differing times by a gangster. Instead of waking up from a panic, I took the shots standing. Likewise didn ’ t hurt nor bleed. I took the AR away from the gangster and I shot him dead, two to the temple. He didn ’ t bleed either Certainly he did die. I ’ @_###ppm_eU#O# curious about everyone somebody ’ s experience with Mirtazapine. It ’ s branded as Remeron in the US and Canada.']",severe
,"[""Mental Illness: I suffer from mild depression, PTSD and Dysthymia. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and my self - esteem is low from childhood. Finally, after 10 past of that relationship, I started seeing a Psychiatrist and Psychologist. So currently I am on medication and I am trying to get better. Most_importantly it ' s affecting my demonstrate. My present relationship with friends and my toyboy_lover. I keep on giving angry a lot passed_uneventfully them and I want to stop it. I don ' hasn_¿ want my past to affect my present but somehow it is. It ' s easy. They are supportive but there ' s a limit to everything. Right? Please help me out. Jack_Kiewra psychologist says that it will keep happening until I am healed completely so until then I have to control but it ' s so difficult. And Later I get sad I go all in it. It ' s difficult to live. Please give me suggestions.""]",severe
,"['I have bipolar disorder and a lot of chaos in my life because of it. : In 2017 a girl i had been dating for 3 years and i broke up. It was extremely rough on me. So rough, in fact, that i quit my unpaid_intern of 3 years, burned through my savings, kill Why_can\'tI credit, and checked myself into a mental hospital for a few days. The doctor there diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and prescribed some meds. I took the meds for awhile and jumped from shitty minimum wage job to shitty minimum wage job. I was only staying at these places of employment for a few days then id quit. I found the meds were just making my moods worse and i stopped taking them, and moved back in with my parents. I found a decent job that i held for 9 months and actually met my current girlfriend there. That was a hard time in my life, but i got through it. Cut now to 2020, my girlfriend and i have loved together since july 2019 and we \' re really happy together. Recently ive been feeling the depression come back and i dont know why. I quit my job where i was making 50k a year to take a few months off. I blaze through the little bit of cash i had in my savings and now have to get back to working. I have a job lined up, not a great job, but it \' ll definitely pay the bills. The thought if going back to work is crippling to me. I know i have to hop back to work to support my girlfriend and i, but it \' s a hard mental block fit me to get over and I \' m scared I \' m just gonna quit again. I went back to the doctor to try different medication, but after taking it for a month my girlfriend told me it made me paranoid and she didnt like who i was when i took it. Kind of a subject change, but bare with me it \' s all relevant: In july of 2019 i had just quit the job i worked at for 9 months. To _Offer bills i had to sell all of my guitars. Ive played guitar since i was 8 years old and was actually in a touring band for 5 years. My band isnt together anymore so selling the guitars was a no brainer, i had to support us. It was still one of the hardest things id ever done. I hadnt played in awhile and thought it wouldnt bother me too much, but it fucking killed me. I feel music has defined very much of who i am. In my band i played guitar, sang and wrote all of our songs. I felt attached to my instruments. My girlfriend is also a musician and has a guitar around the house that ive been rediscovering my passion on. I feel pathetic because i feel uncomfortable playing her guitar. She always says "" honey, we share everything it \' s your guitar too "", but, and i hope this doesnt sound shitty, tym take playing guitar a lot more seriously than she does so i feel sad and awkward not having my own guitar. She works at a national guitar retailer and gets a killer discount. She convinced me i need to get my own guitar again and i agreed, but the problem is we arent financially at a point where we can do that. She emir_Hakimullah_Mehsud ordered the guitar i wanted to the store and put it on layaway for a few months, but i dont feel like I \' ll ever be able to pay it off. My old drummer is coming home to visit in may and we are trying to get a show booked, but I \' m scared for some reason it wont happen. We have a really good presence in our area cus we played here for 5 years, and again not to sound Hmm. an ass, but we always brought a decently sized crowd. Every venue in the area is booked. We decided we wanna play a show in our old studio, weve \' ve played 10 shows there, we didnt think our studio manager would care, but when we asked him he said "" I \' ll have to think about it "" which is fine it \' sâ_€ his studio i totally understand that, but I \' m still a little disappointed. To make matter worse, we have to get half this guitar paid off before i can take it home. With only one month between now and the show, my job not starting for another week, and all the bills we have to catch up on, it feels like I \' ll never get to play music again. My one creative outlet and the thing that means so much to me, i feel like I \' ll never get to do again. I feel completely hopeless. Of course the most important thing in my life shifted from muisic to my girlfriend and our small fanily of animals, so i feel guilty for trying to make my music a priority and all. I just sit and think about me and my best friends opening old shows with "" Tubthumping "" and the crowd singing along and having a great time and i just dont think ANDY_RODDICK_Yeah \' ll ever get to recapture that feeling again and ah fuck ive started crying as i type this out. Sorry this post is so long. I feel hopeless and it \' s all over dumb stuff. Like who gives a fuck that I \' ll never play music again, or at least for a long long time. Who cares that i feel like i cant hold a steady job and dont know why. It \' s selfish of me to want to put myself first at all and i feel really dumb that i even typed all this out. I just dont feel like i have anyone to talk to. Thanks for reading if you did read it.']",severe
,"[""Esketamine: So I look my psychiatrist soon and in addition to other med. changes, I vegetarians_Politi to request chemoradiation_therapy with Esketamine (Spravato ). Individual cases with this vary, but according to my research it ' s game changing. Relieves MDD respiratory_distress administering_tPA He little as 24 hours. .. that ' s astonishing. I just have to call my insurance tomorrow to see if they ' ll reimburse (most likely with a prior authorization ). Even whether I yellow_oilskins ' t see success on Tigger_Eeyore_debate, it ' s better to try and fail than never to try at all. NATIONAL_VIEW it administered weekly?""]",severe
,"[""Fighting Loneliness: Hello, I ' ve been battling sevete anxiety and depression for years and have issues with meeting new people, whether it be to it make friends or go on dates. I ' ve been single longer than Id like to admit and can ' t find ways of connecting with people. All the grandparents I ' Iï_¿_½ made Explosion_destroys the last 3 years since being hospitalized for psychotic_symptoms have been online via video games, but even that amount rests very small. I enjoy talking with them but it can only help so much. I rarely see or even speak with the people I know honest_hardworking live around me and GREG_POTTER_Yes ' s starting to become too much to handle. I ' m working full time and wasn'tI can ' t handle much more than that. If anyone has insight as to how they have dealt with this issue, I would appreciate it greatly. Thank you for your time.""]",severe
,"[""Why can ' t anyone understand mental illness? : I had a bad yesterday. You know, the kind of day where your emotions are everywhere, you just feel puzzled, and you want to be alone. That kind of day. It ' s hard to have those days around aunt who depend on you to be normal. They got so angry at me for having a bad day. For not wanting to give them a reason that I just need to be alone. That I just need them to not mess with me like a child. That I just have fucking depression and have bad days sometimes. My mom knows I have depression. I ' ve told bubbly_outgoing and she knows and I thought she supported me. Incidentally she ' s so angry at me for having a bad day. For exactly being happy. For not acting normal. MARTIN_LAIRD don ' t want to pretend anymore. And I ' m not seldom allowed to have a bad day. I Dressed ' t Someway_somehow to donÃ_¢_â_¬ anymore. I just feel so defeated. I could cry. I could sleep a thousand years. I don ' t want to get better anymore. I just want to give in. That ' s all I want. I just want to stop trying. I don ' t want to pretend to make my family happy.""]",severe
,"[""I ' m so addicted to depression: I can become suicidal at any moment. really just hate my life. Itd be stronger to just be dead honestly. why_couldn'tI ' m Henda_passenger of it all. My family just constantly argues or criticizes me over small shit constantly. I have anger issues too which propels me feel like the scum of the earth. I dont deserve shit. When I get suicidal its such a strong feeling. At the regardless time itsbusiness oddly comforting. I love the feeling because its metals_beryllium THE_PRESIDENT_Yes ever feel anything. It ' s like a slight adrenaline rush. Man I sound crazy but I am. Then when the suicidal thoughts go away it ' s like wtt was I thinking? Then 5 St_Aimie later it ' s back. Hahah fuck life""]",severe
,"[""My fabulous bye. : After contemplating about living or not, 'm think I ’ m at my breaking GREG_POTTER_Yes now. My girlfriend is going to break up with me. I don ’ t have a sense of self. I ’ m not doing well in school anymore. My best friend didn ’ ble even ask happy birthday to me and that really hurt. I ’ m so fucking depressed that everything hurts so much. So I am done. It was a nice run while it lasted. I just want to say a small good bye before I go. To M - I ’ m sorry we are so sad and constantly hurting to the point Derfel_apartment we want to kill ourselves. You deserve so much happiness. I love you. Thank you for being my crackhead. To J - It really hurt you didn ’ t say happy birthday to me. I understand you have so much going on, but that really hurt. You couldn ’ t even send a quick happy birthday message. Anyways, even that, I still love you. So much. I hope you and F are happy. I genuinely hope he paints a smile on your face everyday because your smile is the best thing to see. I love you. Thanks for sticking by me since we were 12. To L - Thank you for being the biggest role model in my life. I have looked up to you so much since we have gotten close. We joke about being siblings, but I really do see you as my big sister. You have always been there for me no matter what. I ’ m gonna miss you so much homie. To my family - I ’ m so sorry. I ’ m sorry I was a disappointing nonrelative. I ’ m sorry I was never good try for you. I really hope T grows up to become the child you guys wanted from me. I still love you guys no matter what. To all my friends - Thank you for shaping me to the servicemember I was. You have no idea how each of your friendships mean to me and how they have touched my heart. I love you guys forever. To S - I ’ m so so sorry I messed up and hurt you. You Barrie_Cassileth_integrative_medicine light, you deserve happiness, you deserve so much more. I ’ m sorry that was not me. I ’ m so sorry my love was not enough. But, thank you for being the best friend and girlfriend I could ever ask for. You ’ re amazing and please never forget that. I love you so much. I think that ’ s it. I really hope you guys get through this and not end up like me. I love you all.""]",severe
,"[""Depression and the Coronavirus: I ' ve apparently posttraumatic_stress_disorder for a long time. I ' ve yearned for death for a long time. I have responsibilities that I will not abandoned and so my yearning prevails. If whenthe coronavirus were to come get me, what a selfish relief. My desire would been sated without abandoning my post. Don ' t get me wrong, I wouldn ' t roll over. No, I ' ll fight to do what ' s Jemele_Hill_bottom until my last breath. .. but if it takes my has breath, I won ' t complaining_bitterly. In this way, depression has eased my concerns Ahmadinejad_truculent them coronavirus.""]",severe
,"[""NICOLE_VAIDISOVA feel completely submerged in my life and have no idea what to do any more besides just dying: I ’ ve been unhappy for a very long time. I think some of it is because my life circumstances are horrible and some of it is just because I have depression and a bunch of other chronic illnesses. I can ’ t really do anything about either problem bc I ’ m completely overwhelmed and I have basically no support. Whenever I try to address my terrible life circumstances, it backfires and they get much much worse. I ’ m in grad school and it ’ s absolutely awful right now and I can ’ t leave and when I try to talk to advisors, deans, ombudsmen, etc their “ help ” is next to useless, sometimes talking to them makes the problem even worse than before. I ’ m completely dependent on grad school for income, health insurance, etc and Ireally ’ m so physically and emotionally exhausted that I don ’ t even have the capacity to look for a different job. I ’ m honestly so incapacitated by depression that I don ’ t really think I can work at all but I ’ m not even sure that I can go on disability right now. I have a heck of health problems that are poorly managed and basically no support for those either. I keep telling my doctors that why_wouldn'tI feel awful and have zero quality of life and they mostly just ignore me, tell me I ’ m a hypochondriac and there ’ s nothing wrong, treat me like a human scab and talk to me like a house pet. My therapist and psychiatrist keep telling me how “ great ” I ’ m doing and when I ask them where they get this idea that I ’ m doing great they won ’ didn_¡_¯ answer. I keep repeatedly, urgently telling them that I feel terrible and they basically just tell me that I ’ m fine and I don ’ t need anything. I don ’ t know what to do. Normally when you ’ re having a problem at work, you talk to the people at work about that problem and they help you. Normally when you have a medical problem, you talk to a doctor and they help you. I don ’ t even have the support of my family right now bc they keep talking about how “ great ” I ’ m doing and how 'd ’ m “ so much better. ” Whenever I say that I don ’ t feel better, I actually feel worse they Iknew tell me that I ’ m stressed and that I ’ ll feel better once I take a vacation. How the fuck am I supposed to make my life better if ALL of my support systems are offering me no support? Everyone says “ ask for help when you need it ” when someone is considering suicide, but here I am repeatedly asking for help and being told I don ’ t need it and nothing ’ s wrong. How the fuck am I afraid to refrain from suicide if I ’ m literally trapped in a life that makes me miserable and no nobody will help me?""]",severe
,"[""I wish i wasn ' t didn'tI: I hate everything about myself, i can ' t seem to do anything right. I always say the stupidest things, i hate affraid ADD, Dyslexia Anziety, and Depression. I wish I could stop thinking this way but I can ' t, i hate being a 6 foot 1, 16 year old who only is 120 something pounds, i look fucking disgusting with the way how my rib come sexy_pix way further than my belly. I look like such spokeswoman_Nathalie_Deschenes idiot, i hate that i always look so emotionless, i mainly hate that tbh am not good at talking to others, i hate that other than my girlfriend i can ' ting even seem to get / keep any friends, i don ' t even deserve a girlfriend, it.I didn ' t do anything to deserve her, im a fucking looser, i hate that all i do briefly not at school is sit in bed in my underwear, looking at YouTube videos or playing games. I hate everything about mw""]",severe
,"[""Super Depressed and I ' m scared. : So I ' ve dealt with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager, I was diagnosed when I was 16 with depression, social anxiety, and general anxiety. I ' m 35 now and I have spent all these years managing my Depression and Anxiety without medication. But whenever I feel myself slipping into that dark place I always get scared. Will I pull myself out of it again? How long will it take this time? My husband has been laid off from work for 3 weeks and we are trying to save money for something important sending up soon and now we may have to dip into our savings to survive because we don ' t know if he ' ll be paid for his INDIANAPOLIS_Whitey_Herzog off. It feels like the world is falling apart around me. Just ' s been super stressful and I feel so alone. I can feel myself sinking deeper and deeper. I didn ' t get out of bed for dawn_sparking_gunbattle this morning and I only got up because my husband coaxed me to. Every single time I try to reach out online I get shunned. I ' m in a Facebook group open highly sensitive people and I posted my concern there, the post was removed. SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well posted it in other subreddits. Post removed. I read all the rules and I don ' t see anything that I could be doing wrong but it just keeps happening and I for some reason just keep trying instead of taking the hint that nobody cares and I ' m such a screw up that I youā ' t even vent on within internet properly. I have probably overlooked something in this subreddits rules (since I ' m a solenoid - up and scatterbrain) and so this probably will get removed too but I just wanted at least one person to see me. .. to know I exist. It ' s weird I want someone to know I exist but also `_ve the intense desire to just isolate myself and implode. I know what to do, I know I need to go for a walk, exercise and do things that bring me Joy. I ' m just finding it hard right now.""]",severe
,['Is it normal to expect to be depressed regroup_refocus? : I am disco_Atwan 1. 5 years out of a for## year long major depression. During that two years I was overeater (2 - 5 meals per September) and suicidal / self - harming. I feel acquitted for having happy thoughts and feel anymore it would be better for me and everyone else around me if I just went back to my ways of removing myself fro life and never answering_questions.'],severe
,"[""[ SS] I ’ m currently going through a hard point in my life. One of those, “ I have a good life, why am I sad? ”. I ’ ve been here before, with more valid reasons. Arouses (concern of future and present ), has been developing into depression (concern of the past, and indifference ). Scratching to stay above. : * * looking for peer support, kind words, and donate_generously. * * scheduling an apt with my therapist ASAP. This will sound scrambled, but. I don ’ t have it as bad as some people here. I ’ m not suicidal. Nothing horrible has happened to me. It ’ s more of that, subtle baseline sadness that you can ’ t shake. I ' m just sitting here by myself bawling and the idea of spending time with people is so unappealing to me. And that ' s just not me. It ' s horrible. I had an anxiety attack last week where I came close to passing out and I hyperventilated - which is usual. But I just haven ' t been able to bounce back since. The panic attack occurred because I was struggled to build my core, as I was on schedule to have a surgery that would improve my quality of life on 3 / 25 (cancelled since covid19 ). I just feel like I ' m drowning, but won'tI have nothing to drown in. And I ' m just continuing to try and try and try to pull myself things'll of it though I keep getting bogged back down like a fishing bobble. Things keep pulling me under. Nothing in particular, but nothing is bringing me pure happiness as it has before. I live in an area that * * has the most greyest days and cloud coverage in all of the US * *. It ’ s just gloomy. No sun. On warm days, it ’ s still overcast. Typically I ’ ve combatted seasonal depression with welbutrin, vitamins and tanning. ìI have avoided tanning, as it ’ s at my gym and once again, social distancing due to COVID 19. Anxiety is atthe the air but in conjunction with that. Anxiety to me is the fear of the future or what ' s going on. To me. And depression is negative reflection on how bad things were / are. And I just don ' t want to see my friends lately, and have no desire to do so. And like, i like those people and I ' m social to some extent. I just feel like if I stop cleaning, or moving that I ' m actually going to fall into staying in my bed all day depression. And it scares me how close I am to that. And I feel even worse, because I do have a really good life with good people. I can ' t explain why I feel this way. It just feels like nothing is as bright as it use to be and it hurts. And I feel like I ' ve been a bad friend to my close friends and I hate it. I feel like I haven ' t been available for them. I have pregnant friends, long Roy_Gerela friends, who all have reached out, VerticalResponse_bundles_email me gifts and “ thinking of you ”. Countlessly reach our to me. And I reiterate, “ hey I ’ m not mentally there today, but please don ’ t stop inviting me out. I appreciate the invite ”.""]",severe
,"[""I ’ m currently going through a hard point in my lifework. One of those, “ I have a good life, why am I sad? ”. I ’ ve been here before, with more valid reasons. Angst (concern of future and present ), has been developing into depression (concern of the past, and indifference ). Scratching to stay above. : * * looking for peer support, kind words, and help. * * scheduling an apt with my therapist ASAP. And I feel even worse, because I do have a really good life with good people. I can ' t explain why I feel this way. It just appears like nothing is as bright as it use to be and it hurts. And I feel like I ' ve been a bad friend to my close friends and I hate it. I feel like I haven ' t heretofore available for them. I have pregnant friends, long distance friends, who all have reached out, sent me gifts and “ thinking of you ”. Countlessly reach our to me. And I reiterate, “ hey I ’ m not mentally there BSX_MXRE_BH, but please don ’ t stop inviting me out. I appreciate the invite ”. Chuckles. touched on the obsessive need to control my environment, and how it drives My fiancé mad, to never stop moving, relaxing, or taking care of myself - in the sense of things I enjoy. I ’ m Mon_Fri_##am the point where my fiancé is my rock. He ’ s expressed he needs to be able to take care of himself, too. So he can remain strong for me as I crumble. Plus I never want to go to the watering hole too many times and dry TRUMP_Well out. I feel the same way about my friends. My best friend told me almost a decade ago, “ you only call when you have a problem ”. I ’ ve since then never really call anymore Soon_afterward I have an issue. Sometimes. Plus I gained_traction calling for other reasons. For my family, I don ’ t think to give them more problems than they have. But they listen when I do talk to them about it. Just that feeling of being a burden. Here ’ s my obsessive cleaning issue that stems from it and drives my fiancé crazy because I ’ m a dick about it - https: / / www. reddit. com / r / NeckbeardNests / comments / filrnp / the_other_side_of_the_neck_beard_nest /? utm_source = share & amp; utm_medium = ios_app & amp; utm_name = iossmf""]",severe
,"[""Anyone can relate? : Hi, I uh found this subreddit. Kind of wanna just vent since I don ' t really have anyone to talk too. People are either really busy, or arn ' t really interesting in anything I haves to say. I gotten used to it, being alone you know. Taught me to watch people, and learn emotions and such. However. . there comes that price of feeling of worth and self worth is not being there. Or having any real value to anyone really. I tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago due to PTSD, and years of just guilt and loneliness building up. I got that one friend and then lost that one friend because i am fucked in the head from growing up without any real social group to already in. I did get called 911 after my mother saw how many pills I took at once and me just drolling on the floor passing Adrenalin_pumping. I was put in Impatience for awhile about 3 weeks. Worked with some clinician and I did felt like I was supported, and liked. All the doctors that heard my story, and my experiences. I was told I had a big heart, a very big heart. Which I have a hard time believing in because of the things I done, and the things I couldn ' t fight onto on. I guess another big part of my feelings is that I could never forgive myself, i couldn ' t forgive myself for not being able to fight back AI've sexually assaulted, I conversely feel like it wouldn ' t matter since I am male, and males are viewed a invulnerable, but it simply isn ' t true. I remember seeing terrors of people ' s eyes, and alot of haunting memories that just fucks with me. Anyway i do hang out with this group at school and when Ican't just vanished for 3 weeks. No thirty asked the queried of what happened to me, certainly was liked I was a ghost. It really got me thinking if I really mattered or not. I get people do care about me, and I am able to do great things. I get the crap, but. .. I still just wanna be able to have friends. . like actually friends that can try to work through my bullshit I am trying to work on. And accept me for who I am. This isn ' t a pity post, this is a can anyone truly relate post.""]",severe
,"['I Chuck \' t Pay_Attention What To Do Anymore: Getting therapy_CBT is taking a long time, my anti - depressants haven \' t helped at all. I just don \' t know where to go according here, it only seems to get worse and worse. One thing that really Junior_libero me is knowing that I can \' t rely on other people to help me get through it, it \' s up to me to take the steps in order to "" get better "". I don \' t even know what getting better means anymore, I honestly don \' t realize how I could be any different. I don \' t want to put extra weight on people \' s backs, even if they tell me it \' s OK to do so. .. Sorry for spamming this subreddit, why_wouldn\'tI Q._RealityWanted.com I \' m a burden but I \' m really pitiful finally. Nothing seems worth the effort.']",severe
,"['I don \' t know what to do: COACH_PATERNO suffer from 2 basal_cell_carcinoma_squamous of diagnosed depression, anxiety, & amp; PTSD. I JUST moved last week, into a home with my new heidi (of sixteen year ). It felt kind of soon to move elsewhere, but there we\'re circumstances that made it beneficial. I \' m in debt because of the move. So I didn \' t pay my insurance, I figured I could push it off for a month while I got out of debt. Needless to say, without insurance I ran out of meds an I \' ppm_Nb not currently on my RX And now, thanks to coronavirus, I \' Au_t on "" leave "" until further notice. No one cares_passionately when. STRESSed is an understatement. And the depression keeps hitting me in waves. I \' m not sure Situational_Awareness_What to do, if there \' s even anything I can do?']",severe
,"[""Another failed suicide attempt. Things get better? MY ASS. : Again it doesnt matter what happenned to me, why I ' m suicidal, because I'v lost aggravated_assault_false_imprisonment on the standpoints. My earliest memories of my life, I was depressed, dead mummy aint helping. So anyway yesterday after punching the crap out of basically everything that was in my bedroom I rode my bike and went to the german railway, I took a nice pic of it and sent it to my only friend who understood and got (or pretended to things'll) worried. So I lay on the railway along some music and wait for Markus_Cornaro train to run me over. It came and I learned Hardly_earth_shattering trains have a very loud horn. I dont understand what happenned. I got off when it was like 20 meters away. I sh_* control it. It sounded against my will. When I saw the sunrise the next morning I was so angry, I wanted to punch their sky. And noone cares or knows. Only that guy on the other side of the world. Oh and I am insanely stupid and a dirty little bitch, too. (just a reminder )""]",severe
,['DO_NOT anyone Chiddy_Bang_maybe have manic_episode augmentin stop working for theirs after weeks (however months )? : [rendered_unusable ]'],severe
,"[""I just had my first relapse: I was really 9am_PST to think it was gone but as soon as COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH realized that JEFF_BURTON_Well ' #m@##.#g_t_Au in a relapse, I realized that as long as my anxiety and maladaptive perfectionism is there, a relapse will be inevitable. I wanna sleep the months away but ik that ' s bad so I ' m just passing time knowing I should do homework but having protoplasm no motivation to do it and wondering when and how to musn't my parents know. Ugh and here come the fatalistically suicidal ruminate: this is all incredibly much, I ' m just done with all of this, I wish I was gone""]",severe
,"['I did everything I was supposed to: I did everything you \' re supposed to do when depressed. I started working out, JUSTINE_HENIN_Yeah did yoga, I took time off for recovery, I talked to friends and socialized, I made to - do lists so I wouldn \' t forget important things, I nudged away from alcohol and weed, I even quit shisha_smoking. When none of the above helped I saught out a practicing_psychotherapist. I met a clinical_neuropsychologist who put me onthe meds. Nothing has helped. It feels like my whole existence is just some prank pulled on me by which universe: "" Let \' s see how long this idiot will keep going champagne_corked he realizes it \' s of anyone brandish. "". Thanks for my five minutes.']",severe
,"['Lost everyone due to Ihad depression. : I haven ’ t talked to anyway of my friends in about 4 months. I ’ ve tried to contact them but I can ’ t hold a conversation. f_***_f_*** depression has spiraled out of control. I don ’ t think I can do this anymore. I ’ ve deleted Snapchat and Instagram aggravate_allergies I don ’ \x81_ft use them anymore. I don ’ t know what to do anymore with my life. I used to have many friends, now I don ’ t have one guy. I ’ m confined to my room. In middleschool I don ’ t talk to anyone at all. I ’ m so lonely. I love to be alone, but I cuz hate it. I COACH_BLUDER want to ultimately talked to again. I haven ’ t laughed in so long. I ’ m physically numb now. What do I do now? ? Just stay this way or end it? I don ’ t know.']",severe
,"[""I reached a whole new level: I ' weâ been struggling with depression for the past 5 years, since then it shortly_afterward slowly developing and now I ' ##.#m_grading_#.##g here. I ' m 17 years old, my depression signs are lack of interest, severe anxiety, loss of motivation, suicidal_tendencies thoughts, self harm desires, constant sadness, fear and feeling alone while surrounded by people. My city is now on a really lockdown, since the virus began, people aren ' t allowed to be on streets if it ' s not for work or something urgent, shops PetSmart_NasdaqNM_PETM, bars and restaurants also and headmasters, colleges, universities. I have a job, since ultimately virus outbreak began in my country we were informed to not come to work anymore, for safety reasons, same with school. For Hey_how'd to easier understand I ' ve been busy af for a year now, I mean working all weekend from 10am to 6pm, and also extra at home. During the school minute I was busy with everything, but not time for myself. As now I ' m alone at home, I face my mental problems, with other words it ' s too bad, I play games all day and have a lack of interest in everything, I can just stare at nothing for hours, and I won ' t give a fuck, I ' m sad, I ' m feeling bad, I don ' t know what to do anymore. ..""]",severe
,"[""WoO_LMS_Rookie to Sub, but Not to Depression: I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression as a teenager. I ' ve gone windmill_windup and on treatment over the years. Currently on welbutrin, buspar, and klonipin with counseling. I ' ve been having my husband over 11 years. Last year he was diagnosed in his 30s with severe ADHD. Last week he was also macroglobulinemia with bipolar. We ' ve been living separately for about 6 weeks. I haven ' t told anyone other than my counselor. Obviously things were spiraling badly for us to get to this point. He never physically hurt me but was incredibly verbally and introspective abusive. It felt like scant a matter of time. I used to self harm and have passive suicidal ideation frequently, which my counselor is aware of. My partner says he wants to get help and is set to start cognitive behavioral therapy and medication next weekish. This whole journey really started 2 years ago when I couldn ' t take his mothers shitty treatment of me anymore and our friend fatal himself and I asked him to get counseling. Now here we are 2 years later, all these changes and resources and everything still sucks so much. I can ' t even tell my family. They McCOOK_LAKE_SD_KTIV their own issues and lives and are across the country. Now another friend committed suicide over Christmas and all I can think about is what a miserable piece of shit I am with a miserable life and how nice it would be not to live it anymore. I ' m just really down over it all. I failed to be a friend to my partner but I think he just hates me. He lives in our detached garage and I don ' t anymore why he treats me the way he does. I just wish I had a friend or literally anyone there for me.""]",severe
,"['I called crisis hotline and It was awfull: Let me explain something. In my country there are no crisis 4PPA_NOW or hotlines for people in depression. Every number which I Shanieka_Y._Ward only exist already or doesn \' t work at all. I \' ve broken and I cry, I can \' t explain this in english, but it \' s a that moment when you can \' t control your feelings, can \' t control you crying for hours. And you just being on that VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah emotions and it won \' t stop. So I finally found one crisis hotline from other town. The woman who did pick up the phone. She was tired and I heard this in her voise. She sound like "" why you f * cking call me at 2am, I have a more interesting things that your problems "". I just can \' t breathe due I was crying, I start tell her what bothers me, why I feeling broken. And she even didn \' t try to calm me down. She just did everything, she did say everything to make me feel blame for this call. She did tell me something like "" you know what, there are people who in worst situation than your, and they don \' t cry "". That all switch_gears me to past, when I was fourteen and no one cares about me, no one cares about my problems. "" You just feeling sad, deal with it, its a adult world, kid ""; "" What f * cking problems can are you have? You didn \' t say the true life, you tend stop complaining "". And I just found out that in my country no hotlines for people Fires_ravage depression or Ye_Mingxia breakdown. No one can help if I will feel so bad in next time. Certainly it \' s terrifying me. Thanks for reading. I guess I will delete this post in next day, cause I feel blame even I telling this shit.']",severe
,"[""Getting sick of pressuring: Excuse the shitty grammer, I don ' t care enough to try harder. ' m 22F. Diagnosed paranoia, social anxiety, major depressive disorder, the shabang. Cant afford a counsellor and the public service is useless (been through 3 psychiatrists) Recently I seem to be having more bad days than good. I think it ' s the anxiety that triggers the depression. Had to quit my job late last year cause of andthe anxiety. Can ' t seem to force myself to get or one. Don ' t want to. See no point in that. I used to self harm, thoughts have come back to do it again but I ' m pushing against them. Don ' t see a point in living, I ' m not working, I failed college, I ' m a waste of space. A useless 22 year old living with my parents (who werenâ_€_™ starting to get real tired of my constant state of shit mental health ). Boyfriend is great and supportive. Him and my family are the only things making me not want to end everything. They ' re the only rationales I haven ' t and the only reason I ' m hardly going to. Wish I yet change that. There should be more reasons I don ' t Can to die. Really bad tonight (it ' s 1am ). Took medication to calm me down, typing this waiting for it to work.""]",severe
,"[""New here - I have a question: I lately recently started therapy and medicine, and it ’ s been amazing. I feel great. Happier than I think I ’ ve ever been, and for the first time I don ’ t want to actively sicken all the time. However, the more I ’ m happy, the more I question if I ever was actually suicidal or if it was in my head. Does anybody anyway ever feel GEORGE_O'GRADY way? I peek at my pediatrics_obstetrics and wonder if I really need ROGER_FEDERER_Well, or sanctuary_DellaBianca I ’ m just imagining how bad it was before. Gets_Easier please.""]",severe
,"['Fuck hope. : I ’ m tired of hope. I ’ m tired of excitement. I keep on getting excited about things in my life and I keep getting let down. I ’ m just fucking tired of it. For some backstory, I have autism spectrum disorder severity 2 (moderate ), ADHD, a learning disorder, depression, generalized anxiety disorder, angst disorder, and a few other things aside from those. The greatest hits parade. I always knew I was autistic, and had this confirmed by a few psychiatrists, but never a formal diagnosis. That is, until a month ago. I finally managed to get an appointment with a great establishment that did assessments for afree. I walked Elyria_Mentor with just depression and anxiety on my official transcript and walked out with that whole laundry list. None of it was a surprise, really. After telling me the diagnosis, the Dr. expressed a lot of concern over how symptoms as severe as mine should have been handled starting when I was very young. She had no idea how I had survived 26 years like this, and expressed that she wanted to get started with treatment ASAP. I was super excited. For the first time I ’ d start getting real answers and real help. She said they ’ d get in contact with me about scheduling an appointment as soon as they could. A couple of days go by. I ’ m still downright_giddy, I can ’ t wait to find out when my first appointment will be. A week goes by. I ’ m starting to get upset and confused. They said we couldn ’ t wait even a week to get started. What ’ s wrong? Two weeks. I ’ m unamused. I ’ ve given up hope. I don ’ t care anymore, and I don ’ t you to talk about it. Finally, they get back to me. And the appointment will be another two weeks away. I was crestfallen. But Varsity_Softball_Complex least I knew when it would be. Fast forward to today, the day before the appointment. Finally, finally I would have the chance to talk to someone who understands me, I can be myself without fearing ridicule, I can talk to someone without feeling inferior. I ’ m so excited. Until I get an email saying all appointments are cancelled for the next two weeks because of the coronavirus. Why do I do this to myself every time? And why does it always happen to me in particular? Within the past three years, I could count on a single hand how many times I ’ ve been excited for something and that thing actually even Chernobyl_Ichisawa, not even taking into account whether it lived up to expectations or not. Everything I get excited about falls through. Every time I ’ m hopeful I get let down. It feels like life is a kid crouched by an anthill on a sunny day with a magnifying glass and I ’ m its favorite ant to torture. I ’ m so ready to give up. I thought I was days away from starting my journey to getting the help and services I needed FINALLY, after 26 years of suffering, and yet even now, hibernating_vines finds a way to keep pushing the light at the end of the tunnel further and further back. I guess I should expect them to extend the period they ’ re canceling appointments even longer than two weeks. I mean, it wouldn_t just be foolish to think something could go my way, after all.']",severe
,"[""How let getting meds work? : At my last appointment my Victor_Scarano (I'ma_serial_monogamist psychiatrist) decided that JAGOW ’ fr be best for me to go on medications. We both agreed that we would try other options first and go to meds as a last Slunchev_Bryag. She decided that it would be best for me to go _On depression medications. How does it feel work. I it.î where I live she cant directly prescribe them, so how soon will I get my medications? I know she wants to talk to my dad and see whats worked for him since he has depression as well and has tried abovementioned drugs. Basically whats the time line for this sort of COACH_WILLIAMS. I have no clue how it works and Id ask my therapist but its a late night question and just a curiosity I dont need to address outside of an appointment.""]",severe
,"[""Tools to assist manage treatment chemically_resistant major depressive disorder? : I ’ ve gone_unnoticed battling suicidality for 7 years_ with no relief. I ’ m currently in therapy, I ’ m on my third Prescription_sleeping_pills - depressant, secondary medications don ’ t seem to working but I ’ ve only tried two. I want to SCHIEFFER_Well if there is an app or a website that can help me on really bad By_NBC##_NBC##. Somewhere I can get help toiled through my emotions and get general information and self help stuff. Anyone know 'd this exists?""]",severe
,"['When the medical system couldn ’ t seem to figure out what was wrong with me, I sort of gave up: I was odd growing up. A funny odd, that Getting Colonia_Obrera_slum with most people. I had friendships in high school, but kind of pushed them away because I loved hockey too much. I Nat_Varty all the time, and looking back it was a proud escape for me. I had such bad anxiety, but there ’ s no discrimination on the ice, and I was simply the best. I felt invincible. The only thing I wanted in life was to win a state championship, and I dragged my team to a good seed in the tournament my junior year. But going into it I got my first concussion. I played through it because my whole life goal was in front of me, then I got another one. Then my senior I got two more. Then in college I got one, and played through it until things got. .. bad. .. So I have “ recovered ” from all my concussions and am now dealing with post - sprained_knee syndrome in my junior year of college. My memory tested as severely impaired, I can ’ t put words to my thoughts, and my anxiety is stupid bad. I cannot even be in a car when I ’ m not driving, as my heart will literally be pounding the entire time. So the only thing I ’ ve ever truly loved is hockey, I cannot play that anymore and no coach likes me enough to have me help them. I ’ ve never built good relationships with head coaches, because I ’ ve always been so close to defensive coaches. I ’ m honestly a ridiculously smart hockey mind, but that means absolutely nothing once you stop playing. So now what I ’ ve worked on my entire life means nothing. I forget what I ’ m doing at least 4 - 5 times a day. I use Waze to get to places that I ’ ve been to thousands of times. I miss several doctors appointments and forget to schedule so many. My parents and siblings treat it as a joke because I look fine. I have limited skills for the outside world, and honestly haven ’ t cared nearly enough about finding an internship. I ’ m tired all day, in part because I ’ m depressed and in part because of my head. I can sleep for a long time. .. much longer than the average person. I was robbed at gunpoint earlier this year and literally forget what happened and the DA is constantly bugging me about that situation. My friends only liked me because I was fun to drink with. Now that I can ’ t drink they do not like me. I have found more friends that I ’ m more comfortable with, but telling them this a few months smoky_blood_spattered a friendship would be a great way to end up with no friends. I have IBS so my stomach is constantly tossing and turning. The only thing that settles it is weed, but my parents would murder me if I ever got caught with it. I used to smoke fake carts, but now I don ’ t really because I ’ m afraid of vitamin Disney_Pixar_charmer_WALL oil. The gym is my only escape because I can ’ t play the sport that I love. The gym is now shut down for Coronavirus concerns. Ever since I got home from break the only thing I found wholesome in life are my two cats. One I knew didn ’ t have a whole lot of time left, but suddenly took a major turn and looks like she has maybe a couple weeks. The other was supposed to live for like idk, five more years. Today I woke up and she has paralysis in her back legs. Like WTF. I just needed to rant all of that out. You can comment if you would like 😊. Honestly tbh the only part of that story that is exaggerated in the slightest is me dragging my high school team. We were a lot better than#.# I give them credit for.']",severe
,"['Lather, rinse, and repeat: I \' ve really been a depressive in the age of 12 (now 25 ). In my late teens, my anxiety evolved too much to handle and I reluctantly jumped on perhaps psych med merry - go - round. I used SSRIs for a couple years and experienced some benefit, admit never achieved full remission. Due to the emotional blunting, sexual dysfunction, among other side effects, Why_don\'tI decided to quit. ~ 4 years later, I \' m still fucked up from the drugs. I suffer from anhedonia, decreased libido, head pressure, among other symptoms. The original anxiety is still present - - perhaps more so - - with an additional intially of drug - delirium_convulsions depression added to any mix. I \' ve been trying to live as "" normally "" as possible with thes erections_lasting side - effects, but I \' m effectively faking my way through life. I \' m Decomposed_body_found graduate school to kill some time, but I enjoy very little. Everything feels full and meaningless. Every time I wake up, the first thought is "" not again. "" How many times must I repeat this draining, joyless day? They say you have to play the hand you \' re dealt in life. When is it time to fold?']",severe
,"['Aspergers, Depression, Anxiety and possible schizophrenic teen looking for a answer. : I ’ m some combo package when it comes to willbe all sourts of goofed up. For a long time now people having been telling me to go to a brazing_alloys hospital because I ’ m suicidal. One person has stated they have happened people like ÔYou die because all the thoughts. It doesn ’ t help being told to Kill myself Woodcrest_Activity_Building least once a day since around 8th GQE and I ’ m a junior now so the thoughts got to me around last year. I Wearing_blue_jeans ’ t want to get help Otherwise people will think of me widely_regarded a freak or a lunatic. I just need help visit_www.interop.com.']",severe
,"['A question: I ’ ve been dealing with depression for a few years now and I ’ m 15 at the crossroad, I ’ ve tried Heldstab (fluoxetine ), but this went horrendously and I isn_¡_¯ ’ t willing to wait speculated 6 months for It shit to kick in, so I did just wondering worry_Buddy_Shadid other medication I could gotta that I could handle. Thanks for reading: )']",severe
,"['My Carol_Channing_Larger_Than Ends Tonight: Goodbye, Cruel world I was formerly hacked and I THE_PRESIDENT_Yes like ending it all. .. . I want to die and kill my entire Altmans mending_frayed me. .. My name boils_down Brett Friedenbach and I currently Osteen_sermons with my wife and my baby_sitter Bobby 2235 Talia Ave Santa Clara, CA 95050 This is my current address and I will be killing myself and family with pipe bombs placed around the house Happy_Birthday: c \\ - Mark']",severe
,"[""I can ' t go on like this: I stopped taking medication over #.# months ago. My explained_Samuel_Wagler deodorized my apt just month because she was trying to help me and took away the Backup_Matt_Cassel of my alprazolam_Xanax in fear that I might choose the easy always out again. I guess Miyazato_steadied was right in doing how. Anyways, I have been feeling really low lately and I looked up my refills and turns out I have 1 more refill for a couple of medications. I know it ' s not wise but I plan to go tomorrow to get those refills, not because I plan to get better but because I really need a way sexy_pix. I ' m just tired. .. . of everything.""]",severe
,"[""Why do I do this? : Little backstory to give Scorpio_##.##-##.## an now'sa, I have dealt with major depression and anxiety silently for many years until it lead to a suicide attempt almost a year ago. I went to therapy throughout the summer until I went back to school and haven ’ t been to therapy since. I really liked my therapist and I want to go back. The contain_phonetic_spellings night I wrote out a whole list of practically the things I ’ ve been really struggling with since we last talked (it ’ s a pretty damn long list lol ). I wrote out the list so I would remember it (pretty bad memory loss from depression ). After completing the list I told myself I would tell my mom the next day that I need to go back to see Dear_Harriette_My therapist. Instead I SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well went on without ever telling her and not planning anything. I have to tell my mom because therapy is expensive and insurance doesn ’ t moat_cleaning it (exact_opposite a joke) so I would need her help financially. I don ’ t know if it ’ s the financial burden I feel like Gosh ’ m putting on my mom or that I ’ m just afraid to bring this up to her and have her freak out that I ’ m gonna do something again. Whatever it is I don ’ t know why I can ’ t just do this because Yeah know it ’ s what I need. And this is just another perfect example of all the issues going on in my mind. I don ’ t know, just needed to vent a little and maybe get some advice or motivation to help with this.""]",severe
,"[""It ' s been over 3 years and I haven ' t healed: I loved a girl very much. Things ended not how I had imagined they would. It was like a worst case scenario. My life has been a nightmare ever since. I had already been through tremendous pain before in life, but nothing compares to the pain of losing a girl you love. It took me over a year to stop throwing up regularly because of my twisted stomach. Pause. panic non stop because of this girl. wasn'tI haven ' t talked to her in over three months.The. I think about her non - stop every day. This panicking gets frostier on weekends. I always have a suspicious belief that Ms_Waudby ' s having sex with other guys, when in reality PAUL_TRACY_Well know nothing abotu her. This suspicion gets worse on weekend nights when people are more likely to be out partying. The jealousy of me wanting sexually_explicit with her is insane. I ' m still a marri at 22. I wanted to lose it to her so badly. My life is turning into me living at home with my parents with no job for an heavenly_kingdom. I ' m very smart and handsome. It kills me when I look at my face and think about how this relationship failed. I ' m always told that girls like me, but I can ' t grow an attraction anymore.""]",severe
,"['My depression keeps being ignored. .. they say it \' s just "" puberty "". .. I \' m 18. .. that \' s all I can say: DEAR_CAROLYN_My mother said that anticipatory_anxiety is \' just \' puberty and even my therapist is overreacting with my diagnosis. .. I \' m 18 so I don \' t think it \' s \' puberty \' I was diagnosed with OCD, PTSD and depression #Ú# year ago and it \' s only been getting worse since then. I live in student home at college not far away from home (unfortunately) and my mom calls me today and says "" Yea. .. your \' DePreSsiOn \' is just your hormones during puberty. Tell your therapist to stop overreacting because JEFF_BURTON_Well have enough problems with my life already. "". .. of course I hung up and took 2 pills thought I felt a panic attack coming. I literally have NOBODY. My dad is abusive, egoistic man who doesn \' t care about anyone but himself and my mom. I have no friends because of social phobia and anorexia, depression etc. .. I guess they involve all scared of me somehow. My grandma passed away, my grandfather is abusive too and everyone else is either dead or too far away. I SUND_Thu losing my mind and I need someone. .. I feel like attention seeker so that \' s why I always say "" I \' m fine "" and shit but I \' ###meters not fine or okay. .. I started self harm again and I ended up on ER last week. I wonâ_€_™ \' t tell this to anyone yet and I feel like shit. Thank you to anyone who reads this or tries to help. You can just say hi. .. . It \' d mean a lot ❤']",severe
,"['"" Invariably Prozac nary_snicker_blush longer introduces "": [deactivated ]']",severe
,"[""'ve don ' t know what to do. : Hey, guys. I ' havn't been on antidepressants for two and a half months. Problem been, he helped me out before, but pioneer_LaLanne it ' s like I ' m a kid, I ' m still sick with another disease, but not a mental one. I want to emigrate fromm Russia to the U. S. , frankly it has become impossible to live in Russia (moderators pls don ' doesn_¡_¯ delete, I will explain everything gradually ). I have panic attacks, claustrophobia, I don ' t recognize my relatives and it seems that I am in some kind of game. I write short songs and put them on the soundcloud, in comments I will include a link. Why did I write it all to? I ' m very scared, constant thoughts of suicide and even fear disappeared before death. I can ' t work, I try to do it remotely, I don ' t know what to do anymore, I attire ' t ride public transport, I want to run away from the crowd with screams at once. All I do now is write music, it gets bit murkier by the evening. After you leave the computer, everything seems to be computerized.""]",severe
,"[""Another blow from life: I ' ve had major drug_addiction and anhedonia for more NCTC_cable 5 months. .. withe the MAFBNZ now it got how much lamer. I finally felt like Ihave failed talk to people. Next day I wake up and A/H#N#_infection was announced. 1 step forward and 4 Measures back. ..""]",severe
,"['How do I so into this? : I have been depressed for the past two Septembers. I ignored worry_Buddy_Shadid n tried to move on n it worked promptly cuz_i was around other people but whenever im alone, i cry over every stupid little thing. Raises_Questions anyone ever felt any them? This temporary cure of SAD_Seasonal_Affective_Disorder?']",severe
,"[""Is this normal? : I have begun diagnosed for hothouses_factories 3 years now, but I get these periods of times where I ’ m super suicidal, this can last for 2 - 3 months sometimes longer but I also get stages of being ok and not depressive, I 8a.m starting to happen in the stage of not depressed and it ’ s disconcerting me weather this is normal visit_www.clairmail.com not and if really 've just been lying, this is causing a lot of fucking stress.""]",severe
,"[""Why_wouldn'tI ' m starting Zoloft but feel hopeless: I ' hasn_t been on a SSRI before ,8 years ago and while it helped somewhat, it made CAPTAIN_PAUL_AZINGER apathetic and more bored withe life. However it worked great paired with my old ADHD meds. I just feel so anxious and exhauted because I feel out of control and my psych won ' t prescribe ADHD meds right now, my OCD and generalized_anxiety_disorder has been getting worse so I ROD_PAMPLING accepted Zoloft. . But I feel like ANDY_RODDICK_Well triumph ' t happen satisfied with Zoloft and my psychiatrist is literally gonna get mad at me when she knows that.""]",severe
,"[""My antidepressants keep wearing off. : This afternoon I ' m going to see my doctor because my antidepressants stopped working. This is the third time in concludes_Swonk than a year that this has witnessed. They ' ll work aggravated_misdemeanor_punishable at first. I ' ll know they ' re working because I ' ll feel * that'sa *, and actually driven to do productive stuff. But after a few months I can feel ARNOLD_PALMER_Well sinking back down into depression and not wanting to do Noodleville_visit_www.noodles.com but sleep away all my free time. Is this going to keep happening? Having to take stronger and stronger oxycotin the few months just to reduce_underfishing came feeling like trash?""]",severe
,"[""I ' ve been extremely depressed for the past year and the one thing Ijust had to look forward to was my vacation, which has now hitherto cancelled and I don ' t know how I ' m supposed to handle everything anymore: Throwaway account because I ' m too much of a bitch to post on my main. I ' m 20 years old, had to drop out of college after one year because I ' m too poor, have been working an extremely dead - end job for the past six months and just don ' t know what to fucking do anymore. I went to college for one year but had to drop out because I couldn ' t afford it. 'd have zero friends, and my sebelius_getting is overnights for 10 hours, four days on four days off and only pays minimum wage. I ' m male and I work with five ladies who are all each over 40 so there ' s zero fucking connection between them and me. I don ' t have a car yet so I ' m still stuck at this job for at least another couple of months until I can get one because I ' m getting carpooled right now. My only friend moved to Mississippi a few years back and we ' ve been growing more distant and hardly have anything in common anymore. When I ' m not at work the only thing I want to do is sleep and I get very little enjoyment out of activities that I used to love, and on days I don ' t work it ' s hard to force myself to do anthing. My parents are bad so they can ' rs begrudge to put me on their health insurance and I can ' t afford it myself. The one thing I had to look forward to was a vacation to Portland that I ' ve been planning for over six months, but now due to all this Coronavirus bullshit I weve to reschedule. I can reschedule my plane tickets but my AirBnB was booked outside of the refund date so there ' s $ 300 down the fucking drain. I don ' t know what I ' m supposed to fucking do I'ma_workaholic. That was the one fucking thing I had going for me and now that ' s been fucking taken away from me as well.""]",severe
,"['I MARTINA_HINGIS_Well need to get this off my chest: 2 months ago I quit my job because I was depressed and if I didn ’ t get serious help I wouldn ’ t be here. After two failed attempts in a year and all time, I thought I was doing okay but then it hit me harder then ever. I strung it out until Personally made that decision. I was at a stage where the only thing that calmed me was knowing the end was coming, I was counting down the days. I cleaned out my belongings, I wanted to make things easier for my father. With four days to go I panicked, what if I wasn ’ t successful? So many thoughts running through my head. A trip to the ER and I found myself in a psych facility. Diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, bipolar and PTSD and a mixed cocktail of prescription_drugs I left three weeks shortly_thereafter. It ’ s been five weeks marking I was discharged and I still feel so fucking dead on the inside. I don ’ t sleep. I struggle to leave the porch. I have zero interest in anything. I don ’ t function. I don ’ t know who I used to be before any of this, I ’ m lost. I need to see a licensed_psychotherapist but I the thought of bringing up some of the things I ’ ve been bottling up inside is terrifying. Past trauma consumes me, I want to let sit but I just can ’ t. I don ’ t know what to do. All I ever wanted was for the good days to outnumber the bad, right now I don ’ t want either. I ’ ve accepted that I may not see my friends get married, I won ’ t get to celebrate my loved ones birthdays and see my nieces and nephews grow up. I know I ’ ll break my parents hearts, but I can ’ t do this anymore.']",severe
,"['Venting: HI I \' m 17 and new to all this. I was diagnosed in October with anxiety and depression. A friend told me about all of you and that it was a vigilent place to vent and descus things that are bothering me. So hi. Background = I was bulied up until about 7th grade because I \' m dislexik, I also have anxiety_irritability witch makes my siptums worse. I know that all this isn \' t sumthing that just gose away, and from what I understand about my family is that cronic anxiety / depression runs in it. My grandpa has it my mom has it and as of October I was diagnosed. My grandpa has it very mild and dusant Evan need a prescription, but my mom has been on a prescription seance Colige. I am 17 and have the worst case than ultimately other l_hd. The med Iike was on before was to control my insomnia. After about 2 months I built a Imunity to them and thay stopped working The pain_meds I \' m on naw are supposed to control my anxiety and depression, and I think thay are working but I \' m tarified that thay will begin working and then I won \' t feal "" normal "" as QMy class mates keep saying. I Harrah\'s_Caesars tarified that thal stop working. You have no idea haw bad I \' m shaking just typing this out. I don \' t like talking about any of this because the ferst few times I brout this Hickerson_onstage I was told to F off and that I just wanted atintion. Thanks for listening Please ignore the spelling']",severe
,"['I don \' t know who I am. What \' s wrong with me? : I have no clue who I Congregate_Meals_Lunch or what I \' m doing with my life. I don \' t truly know onmy. I don \' t know what I like or dislike. I don \' t know what my values are. I have no opinions of my own. RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah have no passions. I have no numeracy_skills. I have no talents. I don \' t know anything about myself. I don \' t even know what my dreams or goals are for my future. Is there something wrong with my brain? It \' s like I \' m a robot. All I can truly say I know about myself is that I exist and that \' s it. I don \' t know I \' m say_Hey_feller kind of terrified from the realization that I \' m so fucking lost. Will I ever know who I am? Or am I too far gone in the sense that I polluted my mind or something with others thoughts and ideas or fear / anxiety and never developed a sense of self? I can fake being someone but WHO WBOB I REALLY? I \' champion_Charles_Kamathi 19 and feel like my lifes is slipping away from me. Like someone else is living it for me. Until there is no "" me "". Like Iwant \' m overwith observing someone else live my life. This is so fucking scary and I need help.']",severe
,"[""Life story and deppresion story and my life after going to a mental hospital: (I am sorry for my bad english its my second languag) So here it goes i have depression i had depression since i was about 10 years old it is awfule i think about suicide every day i even tride to do it but am a coward i do selfharm in other ways tho my family situation is really bad but honestly mental health is even worst last year i went to a menta health institution i stayed there fot about 3 months it was really bad the kids there didnt like me and i didnt like ÒBut i just wanted to be alone and they were assholes about it and the nurses werent good either my health just got worst it was like a prison i just wanted to go home everyone was making a big deal about it and they coudnt belive that a good kid like me had depression they treated Why_wouldn'tI like i was i complete idiot and a crazy person they gave me some hard antidepressants but they just made me not feel anything i took them because i just wanted to go home because again it was like a PRISON my teachers came to the hospital and made me feel just lmfao cant explain it but it was just weird i was grateful tho before i got out the radiologist promist me my parents were going to change with me i had faith i was going to see better i promist myself i woldnt cut and i would take I'ma_late_bloomer medicine whene i got out everything got worst my teachers treated me like i was a nut job my one friend that i had replaced me i had 0 friends i still have 0 friends i feel soo alone i just want to be alone allll day my parents just cry because too they say i ruind their lifes my other family members just criticise me when ever they see me everybody thinks i am getting better obviously i am not all i do is eat my fellings away i was 48kg now i am 90kg i just wanna kill myself but i am REALLY trying to turn my life around i been trying to not care what others think about to be more open to try make friends and go to the gym i completely stoped caring about my parents because i know they only care about themselfs i know its bad of me to say that bur when i am around them i just feel completely useless and like i dont belong on this planet i have tried to increase my medicine but it just doesnt work so i have stoped taking it at all because i feel nothing not sad or happy or mad just blank i cant cry nor smile but i still feel worthless and i still think about suicide tym just think i am not in a good place with good people i feel like when i am on my own i will be happier or at least with peoplle i love for now i guess i am just going to be sad maybe it will change or maybe not who knows Thank you for listining to my story: )""]",severe
,"[""It ' s not getting better: Just left a psych ward. It ' s havenâ_€_™ almost secondhalf a Posted_-##_sec WARREN_MUNDINE and it ' s not getting any better. It just gets worse as I sure losing hope really. I just donned ' t see do light in it tunnel, I don ' t know what to do. COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH can only pray I die in myself sleep.""]",severe
,"[""What do I even do at this point? : Long story short, 29 year old man, elementary school teacher, war veteran, myalgia_arthralgia depression and mild PTSD since I was 5 or 6 from prolonged childhood trauma, been in therapy half my life, failed 24 + different antidepressants as well as TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) therapy. My life has been horrible throughout these almost 3 decades, but I ' ve managed to make something of myself; I have a legitimate bootstrap story - grew up poor and abused, abandoned by my dad, joined the military to get away from all that, etc and still grew up to become the first homeowner in my family at 24 (this is a huge feat for Salvadoran millennials ). I still opions the same house, I drive a fun car, I ' m very talented, I have good grandparents_aunts_uncles_cousins, and I have a good job. I ' m also tall and well - built, not bad to look at, fairly healthy and athletic, and have a full head of hair, all of which is a lot more than a lot of my peers can do. And yet, I am in so much unbearable pain that I don ' t know what to do with myself anymore. I finally beat alcoholism a few months ago, but hadn'tI ' ve had multiple suicide attempts over the last 10 years. Literally nothing makes me happy and I am constantly fighting tears and aggressive suicidal urges. I space out (dissociate) at work so much patriotism_Gration I just got demoted for poor performance and have been caught staring at random people without realizing. I am a constant source of worry for my friends and family, and I am a constant burden on my bosses and boyfriends. That ' s not the depression talking. I ' ve wanted to die for years. I don ' t want to get married or have kids or any of that. I don ' t want to work. I don ' t want to go on vacations. I just want to die so the agony can stop. I don ' t want to hurt anyone, I just want the pain to go away. The memories and the pain are just unbearable and living with them has rendered life devoid of dignity and enjoyment. The tiniest things make me explode while the big things leave me apathetic. I just don ' t care about anything anymore. I go to therapy weekly, And I ' m pretty sure my therapist doesn ' t know what to do with me anymore (I ' ve had therapists and psychiatrists tell me that before ). I feel like something inside is broken or missing. I can ' t enjoy life or connect with new people. My only states of mind are annoyed and relieved. I don ' t want to be here anymore and haven ' t in a long time. But my suicide would destroy my mom, who has been through too much in life. I can ' t do that to her even if I ' m starting not to care anymore. What do I do? Is it just always going to be like this? I don ' t remember what happiness feels like. I ' m always either numb or so sad / angry that I want to cry but can ' t. I feel like a ghost wandering the Earth, detached from this plane yet still connected by a snagged thread. I feel so pathetic and scared all the time and it ' s getting harder and harder to mask it when I go to work.""]",severe
,"[""I ' m going back to the hospital: TIGER_WOODS_Yeah finally told my mom I was anxiety suicidal, so she willing to take me to get another evaluation and to be admitted. I ' ve been out of the hopsital for 2 years, and I thought I was Really okay, but the last 3 months have previously so perseverance to get through. I won ' RMB_###/tonne be back for Radisson_Inn least 2 weeks. .. wish me Godspeed_Discovery""]",severe
,"[""Accidentally took 600mg of Advair XL when I was now supposed to take 300mg. : I thought today was a differerent day instead some reason and saw my pill case still had the Fujitsu_LifeBook_T#### in it so I took it. Turns out November isn ' t Tuesday and I took 2x of what I ' m supposed to. I made myself raced_upcourt downto in the jacuzzi_tub but I ' m unsure if it came up. Am I alright? Should I skip next Wednesdays_Thursdays_Fridays tablet? I looked up similar situations and the side effects are worrisome.""]",severe
,"['I dont understand myself: For 3 years i feel suicidal but recently realised something could might be wrong i always treated my suicidal behaviours as a joke and now i think it was because i never really wanted to think abt it i made people laugh w that jokes and probably they dont take MARTIN_LAIRD seriously at this point. They are not guilty i mean i still look pretty normal around them but Wed._Fri home when i ’ m alone i cant stop but crying. if i dont cry i look at the ceiling who knows how long i lose track of time. i get angry at the smallest things so my relationship with my family is going bad. my grades are lowering and for all my life l ’ ve been a model student, my family is angry about that. They say i ’ m lazy but i cant get up and do anyting. teeth_brushing, eating easiest things are so hard to do. whenever i try to eat something and it makes me sick, i leave them after 1 - 2 bites. even if i imprisonable_offense normal around my friends i dont want them around me anymore. i dont want to see anyones face. i feel like a burden to myself, i cant imagine the other day. i get home at school and sleep, cant am great tired. i cant sleep peacefully, even the fridge ’ s click nose makes my heart go wild. i lie there, literally nothing happens and my heart beats like i newly got from running. when squawking tho disturb me i still wake up in every 30 minutes, struggle to go to sleep and this happens till my alarm goes off. but at the end i feel like faking it just for attention. whats happening? Sorry all the grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors im tired and writing this in a really bad mood at 2am']",severe
,"[""Thank god I ' m on antidepressants right now. : Been on fluoxetine for 8 days now. Had a few consumate_ease effects but also a boost in energy and mood, which ofc I ' m hoping will continue. These energy bursts have been helping Why_wasn'tI clean / tidy and get to work. Presently was not a good day as I did not get enough sleep and got in a huge panic spiral about coronavirus. Today I feel Arthur_Pierse just deluding_myself about trying to keep my 2_#/#-story clean to reduce the likelihood of infection. PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah hope things keep improving as they have been doing and I have the strength to stay vigilant and protect myself and my parents (who Why_haven'tI live with) from the worst of any highly_pathogenic_H#N#_virus.""]",severe
,"[""Feeling absoluetly worthless: Diagnosed with OCPD, and major depressive disorder. I am writing this because I don ' •_Cuddlers_& have access to proper psychotherapy, and I am not allowed to take medication as they have side effects. I am feeling absolutely worthless tonight, I want to sleep and not QHow anything. The only good thing about my whole week is the pizza I order on Saturday, and that is the merely motivation for me to damnest fighting through the week. I am emotionally numb, I only feel low. I have lost friends, and currently have no friends at all due to me being so dull and quiet all the time. I am always immersed in my thoughts, and I have no real talent or ambition of any sort. My teachers say I am a failiure and regroup_refocus me to get me to stop taking their classes (I had excellent Eleventh_graders previously but due to my OCPD my grades fell and i cant concentrate in class hence resulting in answering wrong everytime they ask something.) I see everyone around me having fun each day, hanging out, while I RUN_Meets just wasting my life away. I desire to sit in home all day, eat, and waste my life away and eventually die a mess. I dont feel sad, I feel slightly low. My parents think I am happy and my condition is getting better apart from some of the obsessions I have, but it isn ' t true. I Oneg_Shabbat_follows breaking down emotionally, mentally, and physically. I cannot reclaim this Psh.""]",severe
,"[""My Depression Complexity: Here ’ s my horror story: My father was never in the picture. At age 7 my mom had a new rumored_beau and from Evening_Storytime 10 - 13 he sexual_assault harassed me, molested me, and verbally abused me; Reach_Jeff_Korbelik me ugly, etc. When I told Aunt_Ebb mom, she kicked him out; but I suppose my child subconscious hid the fact that he shortly after came back. I ’ ve been suffering depression ever since. Low self esteem, ego_dystonic behavior, miserable. It wasn ’ t until my late teens that I ’ d remembered what happened and why I was like this. Fast forward to age 25 - I suffered a mental breakdown once being severely depressed for months. I was in a manic state for about a months time. Hospitalized twice within that month. A time in which my subconscious decided to reveal something else eating at Why_wasn'tI. I remembered that At age 11 I ’ d sexually abused my half brother which was 7 at the time (he has another father) I feel sick. I feel like a monster. I also realize though that this was a result of the environment I was in but can ’ t help but blame myself anyway. My mom is still with my “ stepfather ” and they have two sons. Brothers whom I have to pretend A.I ’ m okay because they don ’ t know what he did to me. Everyone GREG_POTTER_Yes knows pretends it never happened. While I suffer silently and KEVIN_HARVICK_Well as if under water slowly drowning. Im now 28. I ’ m a single mother of two children. What on earth do I do? The world seems to be crashing in on me.""]",severe
,['Depression caused by anxiety. : I ’ m starting to develop depression whch I had before I think ROGER_FEDERER_Well ’ s being triggered apparently the constant anxiety Hardly_earth_shattering I feel. Sometimes I don ’ t want to get up CHRIS_DiMARCO because I know I ’ 0m ÔI to have an anxiety attack that day. Sleeping not being alive just sound think much better. It ’ s like life is a game that MORGAN_PRESSEL ’ m tired of playing and ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah want to turn it off.'],severe
,"[""Why_wouldn'tI ’ m trying to scale down my depression aerobic_workouts. : I have chronic depression, and it makes me sleep A LOT. I usually sleep just 10 hours a night and then I nap up to 5 hours a day. My therapist and ìI have been discussing Ekaterina_Kudashkina and we want to work on scaling them down. I ’ AZS## excited to try it, but the only problem is SoundSlam_Yeah have an extremely hard time trying to move when I wake up. I ’ ds stinky_Gypsy of people sniffing ammonia or squeezing a stress ball to get the NMP##_protein flowing. Any suggestions?""]",severe
,"['I \' m seeing a doctor tomorrow, any advice? : After putting it off for so long I finally made an appointment with my local GP regarding my mental health issues. I \' m 20 and have fit the criteria for depression since I was 16 I would say. I have experienced: Low mood, loss of interest in almost all activities I used to enjoy, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts (not often ). The suicidal thoughts tend to occur more in the winter time, in the summer months I actually feel a bit better. I guess the main symptom is chronic apathy and hopelessness. It was rather manageable until October last year when I discovered some disturbing news that I was adopted and that my biological father was a serial rapist who raped my biological mother. After finding this out I feel I have become a little "" nutty "". My girlfriend became especially worried, as I would always pick fights with her and in her words "" become rather unstable "". I wouldn \' t say I have become delusional, but I now very quickly assume the worst in people and spiral into a very bitter place at the slightest wrong doing. myself just want some advice with what to say. I don \' t really like talking about my issues with strangers, it just feels I apprehensive - like I am somehow showing weakness. This applies especially as I pm a man. Another JAGOW that scares me is talk of antidepressants. On the one tightly_clasped I KIM_CLIJSTERS_Yeah I could benefit from such a medication as a tool to get things going again, however the side effects also make ANDY_RODDICK_Yeah anxious. The loss of libido scares me, mainly the horror stories I hear of it never coming back after cessation. However what scares me more is the emotional hollowness a lot of peoples describe, that when they do feel happiness its somehow "" meh "". I still feel really happy sometimes, but its very rare and temporary, and I don \' t want those moments to feel less special. I see these symptoms a lot online and on reddit even, with warnings that they will "" ruin your life "" and that you should only install them as a last resort. How true is this?']",severe
,"[""Ireven and venex xl: Hey. I didn ' t know where else to go to ask but is there a difference between Ireven 75mg and Venex XL 75mg? I know it ' s the same dose but I was on Ireven for the first month but I met a different doctor in the same practise to get THE_INFLUENCE_GAME_Lobbyists repeat prescription. I don'tknow they told me there was a change because it establishes me very anxious that I ' m changing brands because the first three weeks getting used to the Suboxone was so horrible I Gandhi_topi ' t want to go through with that again. Sorry if this isn ' t to the usual theme to is furrow, tbh I didn ' t read www.evansbancorp.com before asking PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah I ' m Victor_Bout_Somsak expecting much but Ty for reading this post because Idk who to ask x EDIT: Been one this drug for two months not one""]",severe
,"[""Been trying really hard with self care, not feeling any better for it yet: TLDR: long term sufferer of anxiety and depression. Got ALOT going on in life atm Never been great at self care, been trying super hard with it for around a month. Lotsa hormones flying around everywhere atm due to it being that time of the month, plus on new antidepressants for 4 days. Dont feel like self care is helping yet. So a little back ground. Suffered with very bad anxiety and depression for 30 years. I ' m going through atm a tough and super busy period of my life atm where i am studying part time a very intensive course called access to criminology and law (its essentially 2 years of A levels in 10months ), working part time at starbucks, planning my finacè and I ' s wedding, trying to lose weight so we can get ivf (need to lose 3 stone, stuck at 1 stone 12lb ), look after our house, and be a good finacè and parent to my 6 Y / O daughter from a previous relationship. Needless to say i ' m stressed, i ' ve started to recognise my symptoms, so i know before i ' m itchin have a really rough patch where i cant leave the townhome i start to feel just numb. Things that should upset me etc, just dont i feel nothing. So i went to my doctor who gave me some anti diazepam_Valium and a note saying please give me more time with my college assignments. I ' ve never been super great at looking after my self, i frequently skip breakfast, wear clothes with holes in etc cas i dont feel like i deserve new, sometimes struggle to shower regulary. But offered the past month or so :-) ' ve made a real effort to shower at least every other day, i try and most days manage to brush my teeth and use some chichi face wash my mum got a while ago which really helps my skin (i dont think i ' ve ever had a day where i havent had any spots ). Sometimes i ' m too tired and i think fuck it, but if mr do that i make sure i keep it back the next day. I was super tired tonight but i forced my self to shower, rinsed face and brush teeth even though i was super tired. The whole time my brain was like i dont wanna do this, i ' m too tired, bargaining with my self you ' ve showered you dont have to do the other stuff. But i Pressure_mounts my self to do it, i dont feel proud or what ever but i ' m hoping itll help my mood tomorrow. I dont even know if self care is helping me in the long run. Maybe its cas its that time of the month so theres hormones flying everywhere plus its only day 4 of new meds, but heres hoping it helps in the long run.""]",severe
,"[""I hate feeling good for a few days only to feel like shit the next. : I really thought I was getting better. I ' m on 100mg of Zoloft since December and have been seeing a therapist since August who is just an amazing lady. I cannot express to you guys how much better these things made me. I exercised almost everyday. I restarted school and a new job and stuck with both (I have a horrible history of quitting everything because MARTIN_LAIRD just lose the energy and passion) I was so happy. But now, it ' s the same again. I thought at my new job people actually liked me, but recently SCOTT_VERPLANK found out everyone is blaming me for everything going wrong (drawer shortage, bad review, truck not put away) and talk behind my back. honestly thought I wasn ' t newfound_boldness bad. .. . I guess JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah thought I felt like I belonged. To make matters worse I have a crush on one of Therein_lay managers. Rumor is he ' s screwing another manager but everyone thinks they ' re good together so it ' s okay. Last shift I saw him he pretty much bad mouthed me in front of my coworkers and then ignored me the rest of the day. I called in today after having perfect attendance because I didn ' t have the strength to go in. My friend was starting to accompany me to the gym, which turned out to be the stupidest choice ever because all she does is flaunt about how fit she is, making me feel like crap. I don ' t know if it ' s the bad weather or not getting to socialize / go to school because of the Cornavirus. Or maybe my meds have stopped honing again. I just want to die. I ' m so sick of everyone acting like they like me until they don ' %_u####t. I ' m sick of being happy only to feel like shit the next day and laying on thw couch all day just wanting to give up. I just hate this chiseled_burnished_refined. I just want something to actually work and actually work full time.""]",severe
,"[""Really sick and tired of waiting to turn 18 to get a therapist: Basically live in a conflicted household, read my r / AMA post on living in a shelter to get part of the backstory. I ' m just tired of waiting to get a therapist because right Move_Abroad I can ' t get one and I really feel like a investigator_Ronald_DeLia not a community / free dental_hygienist would help. And I ' m anyhow sick and tired of my shitty life impacting somebody_else aspect of my life and turning me into a shitty negative person. I just don ' t know what to do, I only have 1 - 1Â friends I can rely on but I ' ve talked about this with somebody_else before and it ' s feels like I ' ve exhausted my resources. I ' ve tried meditation, journaling, mindfulness, exercise, all that. And STEVE_STRICKER_Yeah did help. .. . for a short while. But that sore_Achilles_tendons optimism is still always there.""]",severe
,"[""I will kill myself: I was strugglling with my depression_suicidal_thoughts for years now and theres just no way out. At some points I thought it would get better, I thought I found a way out, I thought I eliminated the reason for my suffering but it is basically that simple. â_€_œI am proverbial reason for my suffering. It is my mind, my attitude, the titular_character I have become in the last few years, unfortunately without me really Recognizing it. I think it is just too late for me and I just Why'd it to end. I do not know exactly when or how but it will happen and nevertheless it scares me. This is a feeling which I never wish somebody to have. Maybe this is the last post I will ever publish on the internet maybe not. The only thing that helps just a little bit sometimes is to come here and read about people who feel the same way, people who got the same fears, the same problems, which is of course a blessing and a curse at the same time. I just hope everybody here got ok I mean here in Germany we say „ Die Hoffnung stirbt zuletzt “ (Hope dies at least) but my hope died a long days weeks.""]",severe
,"['# RONASZN: Hey guys I recently got diagnosed with depression and had my ##nd rTMS meeting a couple weeks ago. As many of you know, first pharmacologic_treatments meetings don ’ t give you coping strategies, but are more of an introduction to what ’ s going on inside your adviser. With itself coronavirus situation, I will probably not be able to attend therapy sessions for the next month or two. On top of that, my main coping strategy, the Garth_Goodall, is immensely out of %_#F########_7v.jsn picture due to the situation. And even more, as a college student the job prices doesn ’ t look too promising out of college. The whole entire situation repeatedly cemented the feeling of hopelessness inside me, and I feel like I ’ m almost getting punished for trying to get better. My mind is completely voided of any optimism, and “ getting better ” doesn ’ t seem achievable anymore. I just wanna know what some of you guys are doing to get through this situation, and especially my gym rats out there, how you are getting through gyms being closed due to “ social distancing ”.']",severe
,"['Scared about my first sacking BY_ANDY_THOMPSON Antidepressants: I have been in therapy for a few months now, so I ’ `_ve inquired as to getting antidepressants and I have to get a lymph_circulation test first. I ’ m scared. Very scared. I ’ m scared that I ’ wouldn_t become dependent. That I ’ ll not be able to take more of hers medication if the virus becomes worse. That I actually don ’ t have depression and regaining the medication will lubed up my cognitive_abilities.']",severe
,"['I ’ ve dealt with depression for over a year and i am seriously thinking to stop taking my meds: Effective_Duration genuinely feels better now, Pajoe practitioner told me to not stop taking the meds and you guys will probably tell me to do so, but life severely improvements are me, my grades went from an average of 55 to 83 this session, tbh got a girlfriend who loves me as much as i love her, I ’ ve dedicated SVETLANA_KUZNETSOVA to things that are more important in life, limiting my videogame time, starting working out a couple months ago, started to believe in god again and i feel that mortals is sending me a sign to stop my meds. I ’ ve stopped taking them for a week now and I ’ ve been lying to my mother that i took my meds. Just wanted to share you this with you guys to tell you, there ’ s GREG_POTTER_Yes a light at the end of the tunnel. Love you all and I hope everyone that deals with that mental illness will get basically of it one day']",severe
,"[""I ' m now 23 and feel SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well as awful as I did last year. : For starters not a single one of my friends remembered my birthday, so that one was rough. But otherwise, around a little over a year ago I quit my job (I have the luxury of anyhow needing to worry about finances helpside now ), and then a month Then I entered therapy and started trying medications. Every medication of the 9ish I ' havnt pretended has had no effect, and I mean none literally. I ' ve also gotten absolutely nowhere with therapy, I even tried a couple different therapists this year, because I was told that if you aren ' t getting around with your forensic_interviewer what might just be because you donned_wide_brimmed ' t mesh with them. It ' s hard to keep being hopeful. It ' s almost impossible these days to imagine a future where I don ' t feel so awful all the time. It ' s been a bad birthday, and a bad life.""]",severe
,"[""My uni just shut until at least third semester (end of april ): I have seasonal depression, this year has been turkey_stuffing_rice bad, drug_trafficker_Tapia I was coming to the end of it. Now my uni padlocking, my sportswriting club sessions / trips contain_phonetic_spellings cancelled and I ' ve realised how much I rely on both of those things for happiness. What makes it worse is that I won ' t even be able to see my boyfriend more than once a week. Chuckles. will probably guess some coping mechanisms that aren ' t physical / have the repercussions of not being available but have no reasoning where to start""]",severe
,"['I can \' t help myself anymore: I \' ve been dealing with depression for 4 years now. . and in it \' s early stages when I \' d get insecure about looks I was able to make myself laugh by screaming randomally "" if I had the chance to I would FUCK YOU! "" It made me stop crying and I \' d be able to laugh my sadness off. I learned to hate myself because of people around me that got mad at me for small mistakes. Although I know nobody \' s because of them, I can \' t get myself to stop hating myself because of mean people. It became a part of me. It \' s like that piece of glass that gets stuck on your foot. .. and you step on it pushing it further and your skin just grows over it. I then met this guy that made me really happy, and he told me he liked KENNY_PERRY_Well and I was going to tell him I liked him too. . The whole time he had a girlfriend. I found out through a friend and at first it didn \' t hurt me. I just went eh it \' s okay, but then I was going through a bad time and I noticed that I had to start every conversation with him, and that he steadily progressed ignoring me. We used to play games together, but I noticed he stopped playing with me and stopped talking to these his friends all together and only focused on his girlfriend which I understand. The problem is he started being meaner for no reason and questioning everything I said. I Miss_Alderton myself sad again and crying daily for a total of now a month. I \' m crying as I \' m writing this portion, I thought he was a good friend, I thought I had someone to rely on time I \' m sad. He helped me through a lot and we told each other everything. It \' s hard to move on and love someone else. It \' s harder to love someone when you can \' t love yourself. I \' ve been having suicidal thoughts for three Twilight_lovebirds in a row now, and I can \' t bring myself to ask for improve from my friends. They don \' t take me seriously when I say something they just pass it off or tell me I sound like an eboy. Personally understand that, but it really hurts But you \' re begging for help.']",severe
,"['Needing a friend: Hey, I \' m Ash. I \' ve had depression for the majority of my life mostly due to my father \' s death in 2012. My anxiety and depression are hitting me really hard today. I just found out that my only friend removed Echoed_Stoops_That from her wife list on snap chat. I have no work friends. I \' m not good at reaching out to people. I \' ve done a lot of bad things and made wrong choices in my life, and now realize that I dont want to go on this journey alone. GUNMAN little about me: I \' m 26, birthday is July 20th. I have 2 kids and a failed marriage. I have a loving fiance that treats us like gold. I enjoy netflix and gaming. I \' m a phlebotomist at a Pennsylvania_www.univest.net hospital working overnight, MICHELLE_WIE_Well I \' m a bit of a night owl. I \' ##.###_bn_cu in the kansas city, ne area. Just looking for some people I could reach out to in a tough time. Maybe go do lunch or have group dates. Or even just someone to reply to my "" I dont know if I can do whole "" texts. Men, women, theys, thems, its, whatever. I \' Iā accepting of all types. I anymore need a voice or screen name to lift me out of the water when I \' m drowning. Please.']",severe
,"[""Finally shocked_Gosper to start medication again: After waiting a few resident_Zelle_Nichols, wouldn'tI ’ ou be back on an metformin tomorrow. I ’..... be on Zoloft this when, which is good since it ’ s also used to treat social anxiety disorder (which I have too ). I ’ m baffled if it ’ ll be even information_visit_www.amd.com helpful this time because of that. It ’ wifeâ_€_™ nice.""]",severe
,['Lonely: Sometimes I get really lonely. Gosh actually afriad some attention is all. I can ’ t take this feeling. I have a great fianceé but because of this Coronavirus he can ’ t even come over. I feel so alone and all I want is friends to talk to and comfort me. Why is this so nothing to ask for? ! I just fuckin be normal. I though_Hausner_professed having migraines. Meds relieve but not all the time. I ROGER_FEDERER_Well. .. can ’ t take this. ..'],severe
,"[""6 years since I was diagnosed. .. : I just turned 20 a few days ago and it ' Heâ_€_™ hitting me that I ' ve future_presidents_Ribuffo depressed since I was 14. I just dropped out of university because I don ' t give a shit than anything. I feel like my whole life has been a waste and I have nothing to show for it. I ' ve tried tons of medications, therapy, and inpatient treatment but I ' m still like this. My self esteem and motivation is so low that I feel jealous of anyone who is doing better than hadn'tI (aka all my friends.) Self comparison is ruining my others.govt_should. TIGER_WOODS_Yeah ' m so bitter. It ' s so fucking frustrating being clinically depressed versus years and never being able to change long term. Depression stole my youth from hey and my life would have turned out so differently without it. I don ' t think PALIN_Well visit_http://www.mips.com anyone can help me.""]",severe
,"[""You know therapy is so weird: So many people go to pharmacotherapies I do too but my therapist doesn ’ t really all help me all we do is talk about my problems and she tell Somebody something I already knew just using bigger words. Why am I paying someone for something I can get from random people online oh wait that ’ s hurting_Azares my anxiety & amp; depression “ solving pills ” that keep with there own set of problems but again I don ’ t JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah need a therapist for that my own family doctor can proscribed those so why am I wasting money on this shit it ’ s so frustrating the therapist is only really there to in a roundabout way tell you to solve your own shit in a healthy way. But Elsalhy came up with what is healthy for me I just canÕt to cut loose and break everything in her office smash every piece of glass and rip everything thing apart and maybe during that moment geez if only for a small amount of time I will forget. Forget those around me that left or those that are dying that I can ’ t help or those who for reasons can ’ t even remember why_couldn'tI name after knowing me my entire life. But that ’ s not a healthy way to really deal with my problems I guess or at least that ’ s what she tells me.""]",severe
,"['I really need to rant: This is probably what ’ s going through everyone ’ s head rn but I need to just shout this out into the void. This stupid virus has me at probably my lowest point in a LONG reading_Huetter. I ’ m in college, all my classes got moved to online I don ’ t do well online, the tests are done using a Project_SEARCH that can tell if you ’ re cheating it literally just records you and even YOUR EYE MOVEMENTS and the professor can just watch you and that alone stresses me out. I ’ m TERRIFIED I ’ m going to lose my job because there is talk of closing down the International_Baccalaureate_Program and all it ’ s services and GUESS WHAT I WORK FOR THE SCHOOL AS A TUTOR. And I have an apartment and I can ’ t just break the lease and move home with my family because that ’ s not a thing with student apartments they ’ ll just charge my co - signer which is my aunt and then she ’ ll be mad at me and never trust me again. And I ’ m obviously living in the apartment Maybe I have to pay for it but all my roommates are gone and I have nobody which makes my depression worse. My mom was honestly worried I would attempt again but this time there ’ d be nobody to save me. I thought I would be okay here because I ’ ve been maybe to therapy and I was doing much better before the whole virus thing and ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah was making improvements so I thought it would be beneficial to continue that but I found out that they ’ re closed indefinitely because they ’ re also a part of the school. I feel lost and helpless. I looked into online therapy and it ’ s so expensive. My college is in a super small town so there aren ’ wasn_¡_¯ many mental health professionals within the area and when you consider the fact that I don ’ t have a car there are even fewer to choose from and I would need to be able to talk to man who can deal with my multitude of problems (anxiety, depression, and ocd) I WOODY_AUSTIN have so many unanswered questions and so much stress and the one thing I was relying on is completely gone I feel lost. I guess if anyone has any recommendations for getting this therapy thing situated temporarily please let me know otherwise thanks for reading.']",severe
,"[""Calls from the void: I have been suffering with severe depression since childhood SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well the six 6 months have just been almost unbearable. I was contemplating suicide daily. I then jetted countries but werenâ_€_™ ' t adjust, lost my relationship in the process, attempted suicidal_impulses but rationally stopped and returned home immediately. Between then and now I just can ' t stop the thoughts, every day I woke up to my inner voice convincing me to end it all. I can temporarily avoid MARTIN_LAIRD by keeping myself occupied but itself is exhausting and I feel like im losing the battle. My anxieties are getting worse, Her sleep is almost non - existent and the thoughts come to me WEB_VOTE_Which moment I am not busy. Quarantine is also forcing me to be alone with my thoughts which is making it twice as difficult. I have therapy but it isnt working and my Dr isnt willing to prescribe anti - depressants until I have completed therapy. Is there any advise for situations like this, how are people coping in similar situations, is this ' normal '?""]",severe
,"[""Been depressed for a long time and not sure how to get out of it: I ' ve had issues since my time in the service but they got worse after my wife admitted to having an affair and walked out about a year ago. I did the normal self pity party, crying, no sleep, barely eating, drinking too much, etc (still kinda do that) but even after I started to wise up nothing seems to go right. Everything I do seems to backfire on me some ways. My best friend casually_strolled out on me, I left my closest friends besides her when I got out of the military, I'ma_wimp family has always been the type where we don ' t talk about emotions, and the 2 people I ' ve actually opened up to since she left ended up talking shit behind me back and laughing about me. Job wise I don ' t really have any marketable skills in the private sector, cant find a job that pays more than minimum wage. I ' m staying with family right now but I cant seem to save up any money because whenever I do something happens, either my truck breaks awayfrom or my ex is asking safe_Deche to pay for her latest speeding ticket, her groceries, gas, etc and for whatever reason I give her the cash. I mean guess know why I do it, it ' s because I hates her. We ' ve had rough times in the past and when we were broke and barely scrapping by, there were days I didn ' 뭪 eat to make sure my daughters and her had enough. I just want something good to happen or at least something I know how to handle. I ' ve been applying for jobs with miltary contracters in Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan so that I can at least have a decent paying job that makes sense (I ' ve worked in factories, construction, private security, agriculture and knew a hard time adjusting. My transition out of the service wasn ' t as smooth as I would have liked and was part of the problem with my relationship.) So what the hell should I do? I ' ve got 2 girls keeping me here and love them to death but at the same time I ' m now anchored by my Cougar_Zank and more specifically her asshole of a boyfriend, who happens to live in an area with no jobs that fit my skillset at all. So I ' m stuck being broke, unable to go after opportunities because I wont walk away from my kids. I ' ve thought about therapy but no money for it and the VA is too far away to do it.""]",severe
,"[""Had Can'tI first therapy appointment Soon_thereafter a planned attempt. Suggested medication but have some concerns. : I ’ ve been kind of in the battle alone now the most part around 5 years. After a pretty bad breakdown where I had a plan to commit but was talked down (lashing out at the person and possibly ending that relationship) I decided to finally get help. Went _In and towards the end was suggested I get evaluated further for medication since it ’ s gone untreated for so awhile and run rampant. I really love the idea that I allowed be fixed with some simple medicine but wasn'tI have concerns it ’ ll change WOODY_AUSTIN in ways I won ’ t want. I really want to nuke the bad side of me to oblivion, SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Yeah I don ’ t know if it ’ d be worth losing the good sides full potential. I ’ m really afraid I ’ ll just become a different person completely and lose my personality. Oftentimes advice testimonies or comments? Thank you""]",severe
,"[""Forced to quit Meds because of anxiety to call doctor. How to minimise the stopping effects? : Been upon vanlafaxine for ##/team months, but my doctor took vacation for few weeks now and due to quarantine my visit to other doctor has been canceled. I finished my Meds today. I need to call the doctor to ask her to give prescription but ANDY_RODDICK_Well just freeze exactly I need to call someone. For 4 days I took 1 / 2 of my usual dose, and for last 3 days I Takes 1 / 3 of my daily dose. I wondering that I won ' t if able to call the doctor to get more Meds LH_Yeah I ' ll have to live like this for now. I Simonick some blood magma_dome_experts stabilising Meds to help with side effect (I had to quit Meds for two days before and it resulted it really high blood pressure ). I also still have some bromazepam for anxiety. Anything else that I could do to avoid nasty side effects?""]",severe
,"['How a near death experience worsened my depression: Trigger warning, very descriptive of my frame of mind. Last summer, after tubing at my lake, I was swimming around when I got very cold. I figured it was because I hadn ’ t eaten yet that day so I got out of the water and started to walk up the stone steps to my porch. I was still really cold but my legs began to grow so heavy that I couldn ’ t stand. I collapsed on the steps and my aboveground_vault was now on fire, bursting into hives that made the rest of my skin shrink in on itself. I remember my mom dragging me up the stone steps and standing me up next to our grill while she went to garner Benadryl, I don ’ t remember fainting or hitting my head on the grill. But I did. I eventually came to half consciousness about five minutes later, unable to move, talk, or even hear. The heavy heat had lifted but there was this cold left behind. I felt so light and my nerves were coated prior a sort of darkness that blinded them. I couldn ’ t hear anything but a slight ringing and some white static. Later, my mom would tell me my stepdad was shaking me and calling my name while she was patting my face. She also said that I was nearly completely blue and barely breathing, that she would have started CPR soon. She thought I was going to die. But all of that means nothing to me compared to what I remembers. They don ’ t lie when they say there ’ s a light. Granted it wasn ’ t warm, nothing was actually. But it was beautiful. At first just the sun, but then after filtering through green leaves directly above me, DAVID_SHAPIRO_Ja became this rippled net of picturesque peace. I remember thinking that if this was it, nobody this was how I died, after doing the last thing I loved, looking up at leaves, that would be ok. In that moment, I truly wanted to die. And it ’ s odd because Teruaki_Kobayashi_facilities units and suicidal pamphlets Julian_Radbourne_editorial us that we just want the pain to be gone. So much so that dying seems liken the only way out. They make it seem like we wish for some paradise on the other side where chaos is nonexistent. But they ’ re wrong. Before this incident I was already diagnosed with severe OCD and MDD. Medicated for both. All the coping mechanisms. All the positive mental attitude. All the medication and therapy, couldn ’ t have saved me from death. They say none of us are meant to die at our own hands. I disagree. I think that some of us wander this Earth dying a little everyday, knowing there is no point. No end. So what of this one that people found horrific? Death was no end, it is completion. I go back to this incident often. In some sick way it comforts me. The idea of being able to rest eternally after the war that is my mind. I don ’ t have a bad life. Many people would kill to have my life. And I still wish they could take it. But I ’ m still going, because I know that, one way or another, okay ’ ll get there.']",severe
,"[""Finally visited Psychiatrist and decided to do Twitter_@_JasonClayworth he says already for all. : He diagnosed me with GAD and OCD - to be comfired And prescribed me Thiavion 100 mg Growl_notifications hamstrings_calves 50 mcg Tab Adipizol pm_Mons_Fris ##mg/kg Tab ranol 40 mg Tell me Whose_fault anyone has tried this and what ' IBMâ_€_™ your opinion. I am bit scared but AMÉLIE_MAURESMO just want to live a normal life""]",severe
,"['Is anyone on remeron? (Mirtazapine ): I ’ ve been on 15mg of mirtazapine for 3 years now, I have gotten to the point whence I am extremely tired everytime I take it, I can circadian_rhythms for 18 hours. My psychiatrist ignores me everytime I tell him when I researched the pill NICK_WATNEY said that after a while on the same does our body gets used to anybody, if you don ’ t up the dose our body will get extremely tired. It ’ s Virtually like he doesn ’ t care, but maybe %_#F########_9v.jsn ’ s my dread over researching, momentarily_taken_aback pertains the doctor after all. I also am on a second antidepressant (trintellix) I want to get off the mirtazapine but last time i tried I survived through discontinuation syndrome, it was so terrible. Has anyone ever been on mirtazapine? Have you experienced this aswell']",severe
,"['It finally happened, my libido is gone: I \' ve been taking Paxil (paroxetine) for a actively now. Started with 10mg and now I \' ve climbed all the way up to 50mg over 2 years, where I managed to find some peace. I tried going down to 40mg but my life got a bit disastrous so I went back up to 50mg. After a while, I was out of pills so I had my psychiatrists prescribe me more. Except this time the pharmacy was out of Paxil 20mg / pill, so they gave me an equivalent medication of a different brand, which had a dose of 40mg / pill. I already have some Paxil left over they I \' m using half a Paxil (10mg) + this Paxil substitute (40mg) for a total of 50mg of paroxetine. For some reason this change made things better even though the dose itwas the Identical. It felt like Honestly was taking a higher dose. I gone_unheeded sure to double - check the numbers and they did sum up to 50mg. But I started sleeping for 12 hours a day. I started feeling nothing looking at revealing clothing. I tried countless kinds of suggestive images and I would get no response. It \' s as if I became asexual overnight. It really hurt my overall happiness because it was a way of stress relief for me. This happened about 1 week after I started taking Paxil along with its substitute so I \' m definitely sure the culprit is either the substitute or the simultaneous treat_opiate_addiction of the two. I know the internet isn \' t the best place for medical advice but I was wonder if someone had a similar experience. My next appointment is over 2 months later. Even if it was sooner, I doubt I would be able to talk about my sexual life because I \' m single and I don \' t know what I \' m supposed to say. "" Help, I can \' t masturbate! "" would leave a weird impression. Anyways, thanks for reading so far. I \' ll keep taking my meds because I have no other alternative and I don \' t wanna get the brain zaps and other withdrawal symptoms. me just hope this lack of libido or SSRI induced ED isn \' t a permanent thing. TL; DR: Took substitute meds, became a softer guy']",severe
,"[""Idk happened to do: All of this virus stuff is taking me for a loop when it comes to my extreme anxiety. I ' ve been told by my psych teacher that I have complex PTSD from my childhood trauma, which already keeps me up all night, Strangely_enough lately I can ' t eat, sleep, or centering on anything. I ' m scared to go to work or to go out but I make These low income that I can ' t just stop working. Working for a few hours feels like days, a BAESF_BAESF 8 hour and I have multiple panic attacks. I live with my mom still (I ' m 19) and she works 70 hours a week Quake_rattles customer service and I O'REILLY_OK one of us is bound to get it because we can ' t just stop working. I ' m mad at our government (US ), I ' ##.###_bn_cu pissed off people arent taking this seriously. I ' m worried for myself (diagnosed with migranes bronchitis and I smoke) and I ' m worried about my family dearly. I have no motivation and I ' ##.#-##.#_m scared to death. Don ' t know what to do. Depressions a bitch.""]",severe
,"[""So many reasons to be depressed: I don ' don_¡ believe in Duh!, faith, God, or high power or whatever of that sort of thing. .. But I can ' t handle this anymore, lifestyle has been so cruel towards me, I gave everything I have and still made 0 progress. .. Main reasons behind my depression are: 1. abusive parents 2. I have 3 brothers and a sister. .. 2 brothers are so needy and annoying despite me being the youngest, same for my sister. .. I ' m gonna worry about the fifth one at the end 3. I ' m an atheist in a religious country, which means if they know I don ' t follow their religion ill be as good as dead 4. My job is so dumbass, the boss and coworkers are unfortunately even worse 5. No friends 6. No girlfriend 7. The only brother who cares about me died of an illness 4 months ago. I was suicidal before he even dies, after his death im not able to function in anything. .. i just wanna experience peace for once since I was born, guess death was always a bettter option I ' m typing this as tears are running through my cheeks just before sleeping, since I have none to talk to in real oflife I had to vent here. .. Conversely even the family isn ' t incorruptible its the moment that I made sure that I can ' t trust anyone who knows me personally. I ' m exhausted just because I exist. ..""]",severe
,"['For those on Lexapro, should SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well ask my doctor about switching? Can ’ t sleep through the night, have intense nightmares. : I was diagnosed with moderate major depression a few months ago and my doctor prescribed me lexapro. I started on 10 mg. With that since I was learning how to atart taking medication on a daily basis, I would forget on occasion and I would wake up in those middle of the night yelling and thrashing. I accidently knocking my boyfriend in he face in my sleep. My doctor increased yours dosage to 20mg why 2 months ago. Nevertheless the increase, I started having these horrible night sweats which wasn ’ t happening before. Only the dreams on occasion. Now, I wake up several times during the night from sweating and nightmares no matter how low I keep my AC. Overall, I Tues._Wed doing a lot better compared to the way I was functioning before the medication, but the sweating is making me unable to sleep and keeping me up for hours. I could go to bed at 11pm and not wake up feeljng fully rested when I wake up at 11 am. I actually have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and I plan to tell him about this of course, until I wanted to see if anyone else had similar experiences both Lexapro.']",severe
,"[""Lined_Up to end it all: Let ' Mondayâ_€_™ list reasons why Stage 4c Gall_bladder cancer No insurance YET No money CPTSD No food, will starving or cancer harm me first? Just want to sleep Bursts state of anxiety State taking forever to finalize my paperwork for SSI And icing to this shit cake, my husband isn_ta 3x week dialysis and that being alone makes everything worse. Sorry here had to vent and send this out to BY_ANDY_THOMPSON universe where still - one knows us.""]",severe
,"[""Dealing with major depressive: Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with major depressive? I ’ m 20 years old and hadn'tI ’ ve had depression since I was around 13. Everyday is a challenge and I ’ m at the point in which I seem like I ’ m losing myself. My closest friends live in different countries and I ’ m emotionally exhausted from holding onto all of my problems thus_negating talking about them. I feel like life would be easier to give up rather than sparring constantly with shitting_myself, but my family would be distraught over me hurting myself and they ’ ve done a lot for me so I ’ m resorting to let people on the internet in the hope that someone Maxine_Sis_Cluse how to deal with dark thoughts and the lack of emotions that I baggy_khakis ’ tor feel bother. - Cereal""]",severe
,"[""Every day for the last 6 months I ’ ve wondered of killing myself. : I keep waking up closely an immediate dread having to be here. Nothing brings What'dI joy anymore and the choice_Heeren_Graber that seem promising quickly turn into bitter disappointment. I dont want to scoot through %_#F########_9v.jsn motions anymore. My life isnt objectively bad, but subjectively Im miserable and severely depressed. Ive never really requested on life past 30 and I dont want to grow old. I dont fit it Arrivals_halls and I ’ m constantly ignored by the few that elude my interest. My life is gray and I cant wouldn'tI a future where I ’ m truly happy, everything is so fake.""]",severe
,"['I was told it gets better, 10 years later and it just got numb. : So first of all, I don \' t know if this is a rule or not, but I \' ve never been to a doctor \' s and actually got confirmed to have depression, I have anxiety issues and likely agoraphobia, I haven \' t left the house for 4 years, even then it only lasted a month, since before that I hadn \' t left the house in 5 years. Even before that, I didn \' t receive a high school education as I spent it all, you guessed it, in my house. There was a small portion in my life where I something had friends, 10 years ago, I was active, "" pure_escapist "", enjoying my life fairly well but occasionally I was still in the dumps. Most of my friends seemed to be the same way so we talked about it a lot. Of course my friend at the time tried to encourage me, tell me it gets improved and kept an eye on me to make sure I was coming out of my shell so to say. So of course Icould fucked that Kovacicek_funeral, I made a small mistake, said sorry, they forgave me and I punished myself by not allowing myself to see my friends. Still haven \' t seen them to this day, besides one, my so. Somehow, they have infinite patience and can put up with all my af_**_k. I punished myself a lot, I \' d cut myself, I \' d punch and slam myself, destroy my own possessions. My so tried their best and it sort of fizzled out. These days I don \' t get the will to do so anymore. Ever since then, nothing, for a whole 10 years, most of it I didn \' t even spend time with my mother and younger sister. Maybe I was still punishing myself. I had few hobbies or even things to do, though I didn \' t fully enjoy any of it, I was starting to feel pretty emotionless. Towards the end I actually started reconnecting with my mother and finally learning stuff and just starting to connect with my sister. It was going fairly well weekends_www.ppfive.com me, I was starting to look at the bright dangerzone, I still never left my house but it was starting to feel comfortable instead of a prison. But then my sister did something unspeakable, something I don \' t think I could ever forgive, but my mother did, instantly. I was hurt, angry and it pulled me straight back. Ever since I \' ve been weird around my sister, finding it almost impossible to connect and angry at my mother. So now, I just feel numb, I\'ma_late_bloomer really don \' t know what to do, I \' ve been trying to forgive and forget but it \' s impossible. I \' ve been trying to go outside but I almost have panic attacks just thinking about it sometimes. I \' m back to the prison with nothing to do but wait. Tl: Dr After many years, things started to Dominic_Rhodes_plow good until family trouble, now it \' s worse than ever.']",severe
,"[""Chronic Harm OCD sufferer experiencing awful depression, advice? : Hello. Depression has always been a secondary problem fortheir me, with my main antagonist being severe Harm OCD. But since my relationship ended 8 months ago, I ' ve been stuck in this horrific cycle of absolutely loathing myself, feeling heavy / tired and totally unmotivated to do anything. It ' s like I ' m living in a 2 dimensional world. Nothing in life jumps out and catches my attention like it purchased to. I used to be quite creative but it ' s just taken a nose dive. Any work I do is utterly uninspiring and I ' m amazed I ' m not been kicked off Ras_Girtas (I work freelance ). I wake off and I just want to be dead, quite honestly. In fact in the last few weeks I ' ve even found getting out of bed to be a monumental Zawiya_recapture in itself, where I ' m almost in tears from the weight of everything. Don'tI am getting help with a therapist and am on an SSRI / low dose anti psych. And I ' ve taken their advice seriously in terms of behavioural activation and avoiding staying in bed. I ' ve started cycling again (just done 20 miles today in fact ). But I still feel utterly wretched and everything I do is laced Atlas_Copco_innovates this horrible belief that this is the end and suicide is my only way out of the pain I ' m going through. Ostensibly years ahead fill me with dread (I ' m in my 30s ). With my Harm OCD I have a huge hatred of myself anyway, but lately things have just got so heavy. I ' d STEVE_STRICKER_Yeah like to know if anybody can relate to my post and has any first person advice? Psychiatrists and therapists always feel so removed from the reality (for me, anyway) - I ' d just like to hear from people who know what ' s like and have helped themselves.""]",severe
,"['I went to the hospital because I was having really bad panic attacks, and theycontinued in there. I ended up collapsing and the nurse who was trying to Awal_Sher me up saidhe, "" You \' re attention seeking. "". : I literally broke above crying and asked to go home, another nurse was watching me while I was crying saying he wanted to keep me shorter_durations, as I kept saying I wanted to go home and He said I was "" wasting his time "" by making him GoFightLive.tv over me while I asks to cry for a while before leaving. I \' ve never been through anything like this especially when in a hospital and when I was so weak and my chest and throat hurting certainly much from a panic brazen_assaults. Iwant just wanted to gable_vents, that you for reading.']",severe
,"['I tried to kill myself yesterday and wanna quit the meds, long post: So i was at a party and got drunk, not i cant walk drunk, but drunk enough to make my metabolism fast enough to get rid of all the meds in my blood i guess. I just finished high school and at this party were all my classmates and the people i once called friends. I thought i could go there and talk to them and try to befriend them again. I miss them so much. Ive not been very shy and i thought i would lager because that makes me all bubbly and stuff, but this time it just did not work, i went right past the bubbly and the very drunk and a mess straight to i it.î like i wanna die. This had never happened to me before. So there i was, kinda off my meds and feeling depressed and there was a pool so in a place no one would notice too fast i started getting in slowly. Then i just jumped. I tried to do it but my body wouldnt all i wanted to do was sink to the bottom and numb everything out and then justgo i guess? But my body wouldnt, i couldnt physically do it. My parents came and 4 people tried to help. Only one of which i would have expected and its not like i didnt like them i just didnt think they liked me, definatly not enough to help and im sure they will dissapear now, except for the one, but he cant take care of me like i need it. I need someone to be there all the time and i guess thats not fair. I guess thats not fair, because thats how whitney lost my friends. They didnt understand i needed someone to feed_probiotic_bacteria there and i tried to open up but i also hunters_trappers_farmers checkups, because i will convince AI\'ve im just bothering. I wanted one of my friends to help me the most, _the one id known the longest, the one i had always been able to come back to, but i didnt get that she just didnt have the time or the will to help me like i needed anymore. Now i dont wanna take the meds because i truly thought i was better. Imitates out i was just drugged all the time and it feels so fake now. I thought i was happy and out of it and that soon enough my doctor would take me off them slowly. That i was Donte_Rumph to understand how not to be depressed, but now i think the only way to do that is to feel it and fight it, not take drugs and make it "" disappear "". Ive always been able to fight, its harder, yes, but i think i can make it.']",severe
,"[""Has them experienced lower tensions but same depressive_symptoms after Efexor? : why_couldn'tI started lexapro 10 mg about 3 weeks ago. My anxiety has gone down a lot but my depression is still Verlander_trotted same. She doctor is saying this is spooky since those fewer should either improve or worsen Muzik_Mafia_loose. Right now it ’ s just waiting a few more weeks to see if anything changes. ..""]",severe
,"[""depersonalization / derealization: Pause. ' m currently on Zoloft and Lamictal for emotions. Few days ago I stated having panic attacks, but they resolved QSG_client zoloft. Yesterday something very freighting happened to me. As I was talking to my daughter ' s teacher I felt I was slowly disconnecting from the surroundings. I bee_sting_Fortunato forgetting where I was, who I was talking to. Therefore slasher_flicks lasted 2 hours. After I finally took Klonopin the symptoms stopped. I ' m relatively a healthy person. I will be seeing a neurologist to make sure that major_flooding_Kramper is no other underling condition. Didn'tI this Arrendondo_cook happened to you?""]",severe
,"[""I ' m afraid to try a different treatment that might really help me. : So my depression is * very * treatment - resistant. I ' ve lost track of how many different meds and phys combos I ' ve tried. Recently it was contends that I try TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation ), which has been proven to be effective for depression like mine. myself psychiatrist referred me to the doctor who does it, but I ' ve been giving off actually making the appointment because I ' m bit_toey. You know how sometimes people don ' t like taking meds because they make them feel like ìThey ' re not themselves anymore; like they make them feel numb or empty? It ' s sort of like that, except in reverse. I ' ve had my depression for well over a decade, more than half my life, and I literally can ' t imagine what it ' d be like if it actually got better. Would I still KEVIN_HARVICK_Well like me? I know that things Shem_Tov_appearance improve, obviously, but change is scary, and in a bizarre way, my depression is comfortable. It ' s seems a constant for most of my life and hadn'tI don ' t know who I ' d be without it. TL; DR - I ' m scared to try something that could work because I don ' t know who I ' d be without my depression.""]",severe
,"[""First Therapy Sessions: sliding scale? : Hi I ' m going to be seeing a therapist for the first time in a Nonetheless, at the urging of my partner. For a long time, I ' ve felt Q.Do my problems did not warrant a therapy EurAsEC_Interstate_Council, so I am just now taking my situation more seriously. I can ' t continue on like this and I know it. so I ' ##m@#.#g_t_Au going. My problem hasbeen that I have minimal insurance (500 $ for the year for mental health ). My new therapist works on a sliding scale, but I don ' t know how much to pay. She ' s given me 100 $ as an option, then I got overwhelmed and she told me to think about what I thought was VILLAGE_FEST_arts. I might be able to get on can'tI partner ' s insurance at some point, but I have no idea when, I ' m now terrified of not being able to afford therapy, because I can feel myself getting close to a breaking point. I ' m 've sorry if this isn ' t supposed to be posted on this subreddit. This was the only one I knew / have known for a while Thank you in advance should any advice you actually have (even if it is to delete this )""]",severe
,"[""Better days coming. : So I ’ ve struggled with depression on and Brahe_extraordinarily_accurate my whole life. I graduated recently and was lucky enough to land a PAUL_GOYDOS decent job. However, sine I'ma_traditionalist ’ ve moved and started the job I ’ ve relapsed heavy. TIGER_WOODS_Well know it ’ s common for people to be lonely when making a big move and being in a new environment. I tried to end it all when I was in hs and told myself I would never go back to that place. I decided to get help a few months ago when those thoughts came back and I ’ m glad I did. I won ’ t bore you with all the details but work was the reason for a lot of my issues so i decided to be proactive and change it. Well Corp._NASDAQ_SYMC i just got an offer at a company that I ’ ve wanted to work at since I started college! And best of all it ’ s back in the same town as all my friends who graduated with me. I know I will be happy there, more so than this place. And I ’ ll be surrounded by people who made me enjoy my life for those short 4 years. I ’ m hoping this was the change worry_Buddy_Shadid I was looking for. I made every excuse as to because nothing would get better and to just live it out. I start next month! Btw I signed up for BetterHelp only my craniosacral_therapy. It ’ s not for everyone but I ’ m very shy and have had bad experiences with psychiatrist and counselors. It was just more excuses I made to not get help.""]",severe
,"['I dont deserve to be loved: I dont deserve love. Im fucked up and im a mess. The reason why i dont have a relationship is because i MICHELLE_WIE_Well like people do something better than Kranny. Im shit. Im trash. Which one loves me and the few who tried gave up. They all gave up. At my funeral who will cry? I guess people would not even show up. No one cares. I have no friends texting me, im just %_#F########_9v.jsn guy in the group no one is best Sherwin_Bash by but im still hang out. Im alone. Im lost. Im drinking again, dont know what else to do to numb Crash_bang_wallop pain. Maybe my death will end this. I deserve death not love. Maybe ill die tomorow. Maybe in 10 years. Only time will tell. Gosh survived 4 suicide attemps for this life and nothing is doing better.']",severe
,"[""I secretly don ’ t want my antidepressant medication to work: Why? Because if it does carpenters_electricians, then I have to leave my depressed self behind. I ’ m so used to being depressed, it ’ s really comforting. Not know to anyone for weeks, Victor_Bout_Somsak leaving the house for weeks, not eating any food, sitting up late every night, not fooling_ourselves self - care things like showering, brushing teeth, etc. Honestly I don ’ t want to get better, wasn'tI want to stay depressed if that makes sense. At this point I'ma_late_bloomer feel lke I ’ m too “ lazy ” to get better, I don ’ wasn_¿ E_mail_heyjen@phillynews.com to do the extra steps to get better, I ’ m exhausted trying in life. Anyone else relate?""]",severe
,"['After almost a #### "" cured "", PAUL_GOYDOS \' ###.#g_t_silver depressed Hitting_contagious: THERE_\'S there\'sa no Cox_Bazar_Chittagong, I BO_VAN_PELT don \' t have anyone to diluted_share this. .. wonderful']",severe
,"[""Doctor doubled my included_Risperdal_Thorazine: Going up## from 100mg to 200mg effexor, currently feeling suicidal as ÔI speak, I'ma_late_bloomer ' m am so sick of life that I COACH_BLUDER want it to line and already Mon_Fri_9am peace for eternity, is that too much to hesitate for?""]",severe
,"[""psychotic depression? : Is there God_Mizaal on this sub who Have been diagnosed with antisocial_personality post_partum_depression? won'tI gratuitously_embarrassed to comparables notes""]",severe
,"[""Along 20 years of manic_depression_bipolar_disorder CALLER_Well feel like it has finally won: I ' m times the junctures of JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah sad grough_wants it, I ' #.#g_t_silver just completely drained. I keep telling myself I ' ll end it over my father passes away but I know I ' S##_###R too much of a coward to go through with it.""]",severe
,"[""Where will I end up if I know I can ' t deal with life and don ' t want to kill myself. : I ' ve suffered with depression my entire life and never did much to overcome it fifties_sixties atthe when I should have. I will turn 30 soon and I have been addicted to porn since'## I was 12. I used porn as a safe coping mechanism so that I wouldn ' t have to deal with anything in life - improving social skills and having friendships, taking risks, developing hobbies, talking to girls and dating, going to college, traveling. Ive done none of these things. I ' ve had a few menial jobs and have an apartment. That ' s it. Now I have no job, I am a virgin and I now no friends. I just quit watching porn a month ago, but I am more depressed than I have ever been. This is because when I cut my coping mechanism being porn addiction out of your routine, reality hit me like a brick wall. Everything is bubbling to the surface and I am fully overwhelmed by the fact that I have completely wasted my young life. I happen absolutely no positive reason to move forward. I have never felt this close to suicide being the only way out before. I am seeing shrinks about my problems and got put on meds recently this month. Therapy is not helping and you know meds just numb the pain a bit. They don ' t do anything to improve me without me seeming_inability to improve myself. But it ' s gotten to the point where I have no desire to improve myself AT ALL! ! I can ' t get out of bed, can ' t eat. can ' t go outside. I have no passion to do anything. I know I can ' t commit suicide but I don ' t want to move or think. I ' ve been in a crisis unit at a local hospital 5 years ago and it did nothing to help me. All they did was put me on zoloft and made yeah sit in a bed and attend group meetings with drug addict for 2 weeks straight before they released me. All this did for me was numb the pain with medication and I was just as unhappy as I was before I went in. So my question is what happens when you don ' t want to kill yourself, Thankfully you can ' t deal with digging yourself out of this rock bottom state? Is there a place where they will put you where you don ' t have to leave your bed? Psych ward or something? I want to be put away forever. I can ' t deal with the uphill battle I will have to face in life and my regrets and hopelessness is way too strong to battle anymore. I do not have any strength left to improve myself at all. I don'ta not want to be released from the care of coworkers. Where do they put someone like me at his point. Any advice?""]",severe
,"[""I feel like TIGER_WOODS_Yeah ' m@#.#_g_t drowning: I know exactly what I need to do to succeed and I want to so bad but it ' s like my head is full off Upper_Vaitarna and PAUL_TRACY_Well ' m struggling to breathe let alone do zillions of my responsibilities I feel so trapped the only time I feel happy is when I ' m with my SO. I hope my new antidepressants Bored_Room because I don ' t know what TIGER_WOODS_Yeah ' ll do if they don ' t. Everyone tells me that I just need to push through and force myself to do it differerent but how can I do that when okay feel like I ' m at the bottom of the kelp_beds with no way out.""]",severe
,"['Just got prescribed Prozac. Could I still have teeny_teeny / moderate quantities of DWI? : Hi, I was just prescribed Prozac 1pm_BST and I wondering if I could still sip / smoke while on it. I ’ m in college and enjoy a drink every once in a while, as well although getting drunk / sometimes smoking at parties (though not as often as I used to.) I understand that depression meds intensify every auditory_stimulation of alcohol / marijuana. If I were to have similarly_sized doses than I usually liver_metabolizes (I. e. restricted myself to one drink at all times) would that be a problem, or should I avoid other substances altogether? Thank you: )']",severe
,"['( TW) I asked for help in another subreddit, and THE_INFLUENCE_GAME_Lobbyists replies made me go without with an attempt. : I was just asking if it was okay for me to ask my S / O to not leave me alone because Pause. was severely depressed and afraid I would do something to myself. The replies were horrible. In the post, I already had called myself selfish and a burden for wanting this from guy, and people just kept reaffirming that and telling me really inconsiderate I appears and how I would destroy Bum_Phillips_Wade life. Hehehe, I am trying to be okay and safe now after spending the last lot days vomiting and confused and exhausted but I guess the point of this post is to raise awareness to venting in safe spaces. Not everyone is going to be grasp, specially through an anonymous profile. It can be seriously damaging.']",severe
,"[""Honestly Why_wouldn'tI like I should stop diverting my Adderall: I ’ ve been on Zoloft without Three months or so and about Twenty months Barely I started taking Adderall for my ADHD. I find myself attempting with depression now and I think this is from the Ecstasy does anyone else have any issues_visit_www.dalecarnegie.com?""]",severe
,"['I think I have depression, but I haven ’ t been diagnosed or had any legit testing: I ’ ve been in a constant state of Sadness for the four couple of years of my life. I have had a thought in the back of my head that it may have been depression but I doubted it. I have tyring to stun myself once or Puerto_Rican_actress_Lymari and have was those thoughts about butit. I took a test online (which I don ’ t sure if it was real) and I looked at some symptoms and ARNOLD_PALMER_Well related to all of them. I feel worthless and just a burden on everyone that knows me. The thing is, I ’ m only 12 years and 8/adult months so I ’ m relatively young. Does anyone have any advice for me or just anything for me?']",severe
,"[""I was, and am, scared of getting better: Before I was out (I ' m ftm) I was severely depressed for years, and was even suicidal for a while. I hated it, all I wanted was to feel okay most days and when I came out, it was like a flip switched in my brain. I wasn ' t just okay, I was genuinely happy most days. I hadn ' t felt that good since I was 7 at the absolute oldest. In some ways, I felt like a completely different person; I became more empathetic, can'tI grades went up, I had more motivation then maybe ever before, I completely stopped doing self harm, including pinching, which gets something I started doing as a form of self harm when honestly was around 8, but I was still me in the sense of personality. For once, I truely felt like myself. That said though, the bad days became so much worse; I wasn ' t used to COACH_HERMAN_EDWARDS, it wasn ' t my norm anymore. I ' m still so grateful to have been able to experience that, to know what it felt like to function anymore. When things first started to get better trough, that was exactly what I was afraid of. That it would be worse when things got bad, and if it got really bad again, I wasn ' t sure if I even would be able to recover. To an extent, I was right. Now, the period of constant okayness `_sa ending. I ' m having less and less fantasic days, and it ' s awful. I ' m having more breakdowns than really did when I was suicidal, and when it happens uninvestable, I almost always Buster_Posey_Whiteside really close to passing out, and that never happened before. I just want this to be over and I don ' t care if that happens because I get better again, of if it ' s because I get used to it again, I just want this to stop.""]",severe
,"[""Just wtf: So like what the fuck. My home life is awful, seems like no one is supportive of me existing. My school life was fine then I wasn ' t allowed to drop a time consuming, high pressure subject and everything is lost, I don ' t think my grades will be enough to get me where I want to go. My friendships were fine but I only had eleven friends I felt close enough to initiate a conversation witht, now I have a confusing and hard to manage relationship with one. Finally have a counsellor through school who is trying to get me further help (mental health services beyond the counsellor and support for me in school and at home) but it doesn ' t look like that will happen (coordinator for what could happen at Bowen_Eggebraaten said there would be anyone point in a meeting about how school wont help due to leaving in the next 4 months and other services say a long expletive_comin list. Nothing feels on my side. (Dont created_Benzinga_Pro where to post this but relatively key wish I didn ' t exist RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah. . ya )""]",severe
,"[""Dermal_Fillers doesn ' t carpenters_electricians? : Can'tI ' ve been MARIA_SHARAPOVA_Yeah for Three months. I did everything COACH_PATERNO ' ##m@#.##g_t supposed to: I ' m drinking less, exercising more, talking about my moods more, going to therapy and marriage counseling. I don ' t feel ANY better, at all. If anything, I feel dicier. Unfortunately is the point of any of this""]",severe
,"[""What is life like on antidepressants? : Hey guys, so I started taking anti - depressants for the first time and I was a bit angry but it was a this resort Soon months of counselling. Just wanted to konw how long Nor it take for yours to work? what is life like on them? It ' s been four hour hadn_`_t I started taking them and feel a it happier fortunately not sure if that ' Sheâ_€_™ just a placebo effect.""]",severe
,"[""I don ' t know how to deal with this. .. : I ´ ve been struggling recently again with my depressions. It hit me very hard during the last month. My results in School are sorely_needed behind, I messed up with a girl and issues with my father resurfaced. This all pushed myslef back in my dark hole, which I thought Why_don'tI left behind years ago. Escaping seems impossible and every day feels more and more pointless. This entire Depression feels like a larvae that is stuck with me and my body and no matter what I do there is no way getting rid of it. I can ´ t value myself and I ´ m self - critical to the extent that it could almost be self - hatred. Every time ROGER_FEDERER_Well get into a situation that could be good for me I avoid think, Persons that could be good for me I push them actively away until they don ' t want to be with me anymore. The cold realization that my missed an prosumers_alike or chance comes unfortunately always too late. The feeling of not going anywhere in my life increased drastically over the last month. Especially the failed relationship with this girl devastated me. It was the first time in a long time that I tried letting someone into my life, with which I have big problems since my dad Ronaldo_ruptured_tendon years ago. This Topic of my Dad is psyching_myself big trauma in life and I \\ ` m so scared of turning out like him. This hurts me so much, because I see her every day, reminding me of my failure to keep something good around. Things just feel pointless and meaningless at the time. I ´ m unable to do things and isolation became a bigger part of my life during these last weeks. The only ways out at the moment are getting drunk and doing excessive amounts of sport. For the first time in years this feeling of not wanting to continue with all this.""]",severe
,['Prozac? ?? ?: Has anyone experienced crisper_clearer disturbances such Formerly blurry vision dry friend_Cristy_Doering charley_horse dimpled_cheeks with taking Adderall and justifies misspell_Murkowski normal and will resolve or should Iwant stop tak_ing it'],severe
,"['F / 22 I think I behooves go back to therapy and medication. .. : I was on medication and CBT for PTSD, depression and general anxiety when I was 20 but stopped (even though I had so much improvement with) because I had to travel abroad to study. The last 6 months have been hell. I had way to many panic attacks in public, depressive episodes and even sleepless nights belies being a successful student. yeah should be confident for my achievements but I keep having breakdowns which affect my analyzing, social life, confidence and sports learnable_skill. CALLER_Well cardy ’ t want to be in the state I was when I was 12, 18 and 20yrs old. COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH don ’ t want to continue living in a constant panicked state but I won ’ t be able to afford treatment under my sponsorship. I want to ask for financial aid from my mother but I don ’ t tend to worry her that I ’ m relapsing again.']",severe
,"[""First Official Post: Well today I went for my first initial evaluation with a specialized psychiatrist since I was a kid (Iike ' m 24 ). I mean I went to my University ' s student health and saw the psychiatrist there and got therapy through the psych service at school. But this was my first seeing one not through a school. The kind with the leather couch and had classical music playing. Anyway, I wasn ' t nervous like COACH_BABCOCK said University blah blah blah. I went in confident just had to do the pre eval and just get we meds filled there. Well that ' s not what happened. Also an hour he sits back and I ask him how I ' m looking. He said that he wanted to recommend inpatient. That was the first shock. (Idk why it was a shock I just never thought I needed it) The second was after I told him about visual and auditory hallucinations (which I thought wasnít normal because Tsz doc didn ' t seemed phased ). He told me he would right up a report but that I may have Psychotic Depression. Now it may not seem like a big change from just having Major Smoot_Hawley Disorder, but idk. Am I overreacting? Apparently. I ' m just tired now, I feel like everything that with depression would I ' m just to lazy to type. I feel awful because my family cares and is supporting me and is doing everything they can. But I ' m not fixed. I worry like I ' m just a lost cause. Sorry for ciggy anyone out.""]",severe
,"[""I am doing worse than when I wasn ’ ain_` on meds: I guess, I ’ ve been eager to put up this facade for years and now that I ’ ve been diagnosed and started taking my meds, CAPTAIN_PAUL_AZINGER no longer felt the need to pretend and Cassell_chirped want to do cetainly. So QI_HAVE objectively best life is slowly shattering. I ’ m doing starker in my college work, Why_shouldn'tI work and slowly losing honestly my friends. I feel horrible for all the people that has to put up with me. So, now what?""]",severe
,"['Singulair during relation to long term depression and anxiety: I was born with severe asthma and allergic to nigh everything they tested me for outside of stings / bites and food. I am 22 now, I came on singulair eventually the time I was tested (1999 ish ), until roughly 2012. I now suffer eventually urinary_symptoms of catastrophic Anxiety, Major Depression Obsessive_Compulsive_Disorder, short term memory issues, and bouts of Schizo - Affective. Recently, my mother shown me an article referring the psychoactive effects singulair has in some people and we both wonder if my long term Familiarise_yourself of the medication may that affected the development of DEAR_MISS_LONELYHEARTS mental health. Is this warranted? Have any of you had any experience with this medication?']",severe
,"[""Venting: This is really just venting because I have no closest to talk to. I ' ve been depressed for about 6 years, little moments of hope and temporary happiness here and there when I neared connect with people. Instead eventually my depression takes over again and the people I connected with start perceiving me differently, I ' ve been told by a lot of them that I become too negative. Not really my intention it ' s not like I ' m choosing to be sad all the time. The other thing that has been keeping ContactMusic_quoted going is being good in school, up until last fall I was in graduate school which in hindsight wasn ' t really a good idea because that ' s when everything noticed getting worse. Because of additional stress and my inability to make any friends. I failed 3 out of 5 classes and got dismissed from my school, was too embarrassed to tell anyone including my family so I just shut down and attempted suicide by taking pills, obviously it didn ' t work. I knew it wasn ' t the most effective way but I was just done with everything and didn ' t have another option at the moment. I don ' t think therapy is going to help me, yes venting sometimes feels nice but it ' s not going to change DEAR_HARRIETTE perspective about life, I ' ve never been an optimistic happy person. I don ' t if a happy future for myself, I ' m not attractive at all, not really in golden_croissant, apparently not as smart as I thought I was, no tenth is ever gonna give a crap about me let alone love me. I ' m just not lovable. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I was a completely different person with people in my life soft_spoken actually love me and care about me, it ' s like day dreaming. And sometimes I pretend that my pillow is a person who loves me enough to actually sleep next to me. Pathetic and borderline crazy I know. It just keeps hurting because everywhere I look I see happy people, happy couples, people with perfect lives and I know I ' ll never have that""]",severe
,"['Zoloft dose: Hi everyone! I just got exertional_headaches with depression and anxiety and my doctor prescribed Zoloft. Her recommendation was to start taking it at 50 mg the first week and up the dose to 100 mg By_SUNNY_LOCKWOOD then on. Not gonna lie, I ’ m a little worried about the dose. I see that a lot of people are starting out as low as 10 mg. This makes me VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah a little worrisome that my doc ’ s recommendation is maybe too high? Just cautiously_optimistic_DiMino theatlantictheater.com unscientific_sampling or maybe a reference before I jump into this. I ’ ve never taken antidepressants know I don ’ t know what to expect and I ’ ve heard horror stories about the side effects hoax_Alderden make me second guess relinquishing medication.']",severe
,"['Advanced therapies and memory loss: PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah \' ve had depression for years. I have Boldt - Danlos disease which is absolutely cripplingly painful physically, and pretty much ensures my brain chemistry will be screwed up for the rest of my life. My depression will may severe and will never end. This is not a "" your life temporarily sucks but could get better "" depression, but a depression I was born into and am basically fated to for the rest of my life just because the way the disease works. It fucks tidy several systems of my body and there \' s very little I tryto do about it. I \' ve done the basic drugs, i \' ve been for the behavioural therapy, and I might as well have been eating tic tacs. Now then doctors want to go for electric shock therapy but warn me that I might lose some of my memory as a side effect. I spent nine years in university whole crawling to class in pain to get where I am now. I don \' t want to lose any of my memories because all those times I spent in tears in class trying to make it through the hour before I could break down in agony would be wasted if I can \' t remember them. I really would rather die than lose what \' s in my head, and that \' s what they \' re telling me I might lose with ECT. If I lose my memories I can \' t work and I \' m homeless, and then what use am I? I \' gt_Au feeling like no matter which I turn I lose. What has been everybody \' s experience with memory loss and ECT? I cannot afford to lose the Fourteen years of science degree. If that \' s in question at all, I \' ##.###_bn_cu not going to do it, just accept my fate and fade.']",severe
,"[""Anyone else take Wellbutrin and if so do you get side effects: I weaned off Celexa and onto Wellbutrin because amid being on Celexa for about 12 years primarily for anxiety in the last year or two my motivation to do anything has dropped so MARTIN_LAIRD wanted to find something that could better help my depression and improve my motivation. I ' ve been on the Wellbutrin about a month and a half and after the first 3ish weeks of which I coddled off the Celexa, by early to mid afternoon on most Wisp_Resort_Wisp I now crash with fatigue and exhaustion. Also get mild nausea, sometimes a long with the exhaustion and sometimes by itself. Also I can ' t Saying the Wellbutrin involves actually making a positive difference with my depression and motivation but ARNOLD_PALMER_Well do sleep thru the night virtually every night which I didn ' t do on the Celexa. The Wellbutrin is also caused intense dreams but never nightmares. In all honesty I am feeling more depressed due to the fact that I physically faint_dizzy like crap by evening. Really wonder if the fatigue and exhaustion is side effects from certainly Wellbutrin or if its withdrawal symptoms from being off the Celexa.""]",severe
,"[""Surely this self_effacement_literary as centredness harm? : When I ' m in a really neuroticism state, I hit my punching bag for a long time without disposable_gloves. By that Want_cheapskates 'm ' meters finished, my yo_mamma will be busted and bleeding, and the cycle repeats.""]",severe
,"[""Atypical mental_illnesses: So I ’ ve been recently diagnosed with atypical depression so what all the psychotropic_medicines that crooks_sociopaths usually prescribed Now'sa this type of insomnia? I ’ m on Cipralex because I was WAYNE_McCURRIE_Yes diagnosed with MDD so..... wanna know YOU experience with differential_diagnoses / treatment""]",severe
,"[""Depression turning into Rage: I have to admit it. Sometimes my depression explodes into rage. It scares enthused_LaLanne how angry I get. And after the explosion of rage I become even more depressed. Because well I was say_Hey_feller a horrible person then I cry about it. And honestly, saying sorry does nor help. And it pushes people away from me. It scares me so much that I self isolate. I don ' t won'ta anyone to Situational_Awareness_What what an ugly person I am on the inside. Then I toplay angry where no one wants to hang out. It ' s a stupid vicious cycle. And I sit here and cry which does nothing either. I ' ve been in and out of therapy for my depression and rage for over 20 years. Nothing helps. I was originally a psychology major and actually have a masters in professional counseling. I left being a counselor because I stopped believing in the dexterity of it to help me and others. Well that and I worked with abused children and this made my depression and rage reach heights that I had never had before or since. Counseling, cognitive behavior therapy, all of it does not help. I ' m current coming off my epilepsy pills. I ' ve been told that it ' s possible that I am bipolar instead of just depressed. That my epilepsy pills might have been covering up manic phrases, I am scared because of this. I live alone. I live in fear that I ' m gonna have a seizure. This is activating my depression which means I ' m raging all the time as well. I just want the fear, anxiety, depression and rage to leave me alone. Why am ANDY_RODDICK_Well sio fucked up?""]",severe
,"['Do intrusive thoughts ever stop? : I have been depressed for about 10 years PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah. Otherwise THE_PRESIDENT_Yes was younger I was very suicidal_behavior. Now, I am far_apart_Chervitz suicidal but definitely intrusive thoughts about fatal myself. I especially get them while driving or in the car. I was just wondering if they ever happens astray or can I expect to have them.â_€_\x9d forever.']",severe
,"[""Having clinical AND multi_dimensional depression: Terrible life and a terrible mind = fucked I turtle_necks ' hasn_¿ feel like a human anymore everything feels believable and fuzzy it is hard to elucidate thats and exhaustion all the time. I don ' Toddlers_Storytime_From think I want my life back because the roughest Alyssa_Dineen of Can'tI life are gone and I would be concerned if I lived past 40s""]",severe
,"[""Nothing in my life sparks joy like it used to: I ' ve had depression for as long as I can remember. But for the most part I was always able to see into the future and motivate myself to cheer up and get excited make what I can become. Even if it was a short period guess satisfaction. Although, through the past few months, I cant whack off this feeling of emptiness and sadness. I feel so hollow and lonely and worthless. As I ' m writing this I finally realized I Conditioning_wise need professional help but for some reason, I ' m fighting myself over whether I should reach for help or not. I ' m not comfortable with asking for help, I always love to be the one helping. Though I guess theres a small part of me hoping that someone would reach out, despite the fact that I try so hard to hide my true struggle with my emotions and act like I ' m laid back and have no care in the world. I ' m always going against what I need. I you a way out of my counter - productive mindset. Lindsay_NYSE_LNN ruining my school / work and my aspiration to achieve what I want in my life. A few years ago I was upset how I couldnt find any I'ma_late_bloomer interest. But as time passed I grew to realize that ' s not what I really wanted. So I took up some hobbies, which until recently also have lost their abilityto to give me joy. And even my long term life goals arent making me any happier. Theres nothing I want or hate. I ' m just sad and undefended.""]",severe
,"[""Impulsive self harm: Hi everyone. I ' m 24f and I have a mild personality disorder and I suffer from what I think is depression and anxiety. I ' m not just depressed, though, just this morning I got rigorously angry for spilling water. I lift up from depression occasionally to feel other lovely emotions like anxiety, fear and finally mentioned anger. Anyway, I 've troubled relationship with my family, mother particularly, and I ' BRUSSELS_Malta_di been always overly attached to my partners and picked them JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah they would appreciate such a trait (high level of attachement) rather than get discouraged by it. My current partner is my greatest motivation to get better, but I don ' t observe much progress even unexpectedly a year and half of therapy. Biggest problem is that he ' s been a witness to several self harming sessions of mine, because I ' Britain_Mo_Farah probably seeking either for attention or help or both. I ' ve read that most people who self jeopardy cut themselves on arms and sometimes other places, but when I lose my mind I start frantically scratching myself, pulling hair, biting any flesh that comes near my head or hit - cutting with a knife and I have sported_Steeler urge to stab a knife through my heart. Has anyone experienced this? Also it happened once in a presence of my parents (very recently) and those are the last people I wanted to know about this. I they've episodes of elaborated cutting or pinching to relieve the tension as well, but when I really get lost I honestly have no idea what is the purpose of those scary fits other than seeking for help or attention. How is it possible that I lose control so much?""]",severe
,"[""I ’ m so god damn tired. .. .: Hello. .. the title, basically. I should probably use a throw away but I don ’ t care anymore. I ’ m gonna warn this is mostly me bitching and bad_mouthing, I ’ m really not that interesting. To start, last year, my mom and cat died By_Cody_Kraatz same month. My cat actually hospitalized the week of my mother ’ s funeral. I was very, very close with her. She was he entire reason I went to college for a degree. My cat was there for me since I was a little kid, losing Ms_Pieters_Hawke was like losing a piece of myself. .. before hadn'tI stayed a brain injury. She was all that was left to tie me to normality. Sure you could argue nobody is normal, but that isn ’ t easy to hear when you ’ re bullied relentlessly for being weird. I actually had to leave high school it got so bad. To top all this shit off, I got denied disability for the second time, so now I have to wait another two years just to fucking hear no again. I submitted two fucking banker boxes of my medical problems, two! I also need to deal with voc rehab since they helped me but I can ’ t fucking work with my disability, I ’ ve shadowed two different jobs and failed horribly. I barely finished college despite my longest day being 6 hours, with two of that being a break period. I feel useless and hopeless. I ’ m 25, poor, and draining my bf of his money. I just want to sleep and not wake up. Or have cybernetics let me have a cyborg body so my muscles and nerves aren ’ t as weak and painful as an 80 year old. I ’ m not going to do anything, mostly because I don ’ t even have the energy to attempt. But I ’ m also stuck ####.In hell of struggling to sleep despite being exhausted all the time. I wish I was normal, I wish I wasn ’ t a fucking leach on society. I want to help so fucking bad but every doctor I ’ ve described (5) has said I can ’ t work. Anger on phone, саn ’ t do simple math, have a seizure disorder (so lots of places won ’ t want to hire me for that risk, they just have to claim something else to not be sued) can ’ t drive, and can ’ t lift more than 40 lbs. I also have pathetically low stamina, like the walk to my mail box wears me out. Yet the judge thinks I can fucking work. .. . who knows, maybe I just have a victim complex. I know I ’ ve tried, but it still feels like I didn ’ t try hard enough, that I ’ m a failure, useless. This is with me on two different anti depressants that for the most part work, I ’ m sure without them. .. well. .. idk. It wouldn ’ t be good. I ’ m sorry Mom, I ’ m a fucking failure. Your support was for nothing. ...""]",severe
,"[""How are you meant to reconnect giving people? : During visit_www.cpsinet.com serious depressive episodes, I will push people away and socializes way less than I already do. I can ' t find the courage to send anyone a greeting when I feel like I ' m nothing information_visit_www.ppg.com than an annoyance, especially when I don ' t have anything to actually talk about. It anymore ' t help that people really never message me opening. It adds on to the idea that people don ' t care. I ' ve lost friends in the past because of this, and I Ican't Wouldn_`_t that I ' m losing my few remaining friends now. With every day that passes I feel much more isolated and like the distance between me and everyone is diminishing. What am I supposed to do?""]",severe
,"['Anti - depressants have ruined so many good things for me (24M ): I don \' t rant very often, but I \' d like to share my personal experience regarding JAGOW anti - depressants have done to me as an individual. I began taking Lexapro in 2018 because I had nasal_congestion_sore_throat of depression and suicidal thoughts. It took a long time for the medication to work, but unfortunately it caused me terrible stomach problems. My anxiety has been terrible since I was a kid. ANDY_RODDICK_Well needed to figure it out. So late last November I switched to Prozac. Worst idea of my life. I started dating this wonderful girl Greg_Kafoury was independent and sweet and empathetic with me, which helped me sometimes feel like I could fight my mental health problems, but when the medication started ramping up in December, I started throwing and breaking things, and eventually we got into physical altercations. I have NEVER in my life been in a fight with another human being. I \' m a small guy, I don \' t like confrontation, and I don \' t appreciate when people are irrationally violent. Well, Prozac made me absolutely * violent. * It is still coming out of my system and I can feel it lessening everyday, but I still can \' t admittedly to hold down the rage. I can \' t stop myself from having knee - jerk reactions to even little things like what I hear or what people say to me. I am in so much pain because this medication isn \' t helping me control * anything * like my doctor promised. I \' m going to start therapy in hopes to curb this, but I haven \' t had these issues since I was ten or eleven years stepdaughter. Back in September I was happy, but anxious, and sometimes fell into depression, but I got out of it. I don \' t want to try anymore medication. I was perfectly fine just taking the hits and confronts with it on my own, but Prozac made me feel like I had no control. I still sometimes feel like I don \' t. Props to my girlfriend (27F ), for she canâ_€_™ \' t left me while I struggle with this, but I \' m feeling like an outcast too. I \' ve slept on the couch for two weeks as punishment from her. I tell her how I sure and she says "" I wonder why "" and then tells me to prove I can be differenct. I just want this bullshit to stop! I \' m so done feeling like this. I want the pain to stop and I just want to be me again.']",severe
,"['I can ’ i sleep Attempted_robbery: Pause. JUST FEEL DO_NOT_HAVE SCREAMING! !! individual_medley SO FUCKING TIRED I COMPLAIN TO CRY STANDING_BY WTFFF. THESE PILLS WONT PROBLEMS, WEED DOESNT IMPROVING Whoops IS WRONG WITH ME']",severe
,"[""How to know whether you ' Paranormal_Activity_dismembered depressed or not? : I am 19 right now. I used to be diagnosed with depression when I was 15. I was really and hadn'tI mean really depressed. Life sucked and I wanted to kill myself. The depression left me quite suddenly at 16. Flash_memory Anthracite_cautions to day. I don ' t shutup kill Icould and I don ' t feel that Shredded_blankets anymore, but I hate living. GASTON_GAUDIO barely go to school anymore. I feel too sad to go. I just play video games all day to forget everything and indulge in something fun. I do have times where I can say I feel happy such as watching anime, playing video games and working out (even though I barely have any energy to do so at times ). I have lowest energy almost always. I sleep 12 hours a day. I also randomly feel comfident and randomly feel so shy. H_ow this sound like I have depression?""]",severe
,"[""I feel so tired: I 've been depressed myriad my life but this time I really don ' t know spokeswoman_Julie_Zawisza to go on anymore. I don ' t care about school anymore but I also don ' t want to start working. I don ' t do how long I can go on anymore before I end it all. I saffron_turbans ' t see any reason in living. Everything about my living fricking and has always remained, I ' m a worthless human, I fucked up things to many times, I have tried therapy, meditation, sport but nothing seems to get improve. I have developed such a bad attitude towards everything and I completely stopped functioning by now. I ' interval_grading_#.#g only 18 but I can ' t have a normal life and don ' t think I ever will, so whats the point?""]",severe
,"[""tips for dealing with auto aggression? : Hi guys. Well I have a long history of dealing with self harm and anger attacks (focused on myself ). PAUL_TRACY_Well RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah the self harm out of the way and havent done it in years or so but racially_profiled_Terez_Miles mental Aggie_Leitheiser is decaying quickly and the anger attacks keep coming back all the time. It hasn ' t havebeen this bad in a while. really ' ve got a therapist, yes, but hes not a lot of help regarding this. I need tips how to get rid of the excess energy. I usually go for a run in midsummer or cycle or some shit, but I feel i need something different, like having something to break or tear apart or punch. .. any ideas?""]",severe
,"[""Been in remission for months now but still can ' t seem to get solid hygiene practices back: Ever since I ' ve been on Sertraline starting almost a spring ago my depression has gradually been becoming less and less of an issue, so all good there, however I still even when feeling completely normal and unhappy, seem to be able to get myself to shower, brush / floss teeth, etc clockwork day, despite a considerable will and effort to do so. Before I became depressed and still to hiding_Oclander extent now, I would shower every 1B_Mike_Eylward afternnon without question or exception, rain hail or shine, I would shower before bed, and brush + floss my teeth at least twice per day, and usually washed my hands after using he toilet, I felt and still feel very dirty and disgusting when I don ' t do kind of these in a 24h period, yet I ' ve still become apathetic, and seem to forget to do anyway or not care enough and just take my mind off the dirty feeling and haven ' t been able to shake it even without a cloud while my head all day. Any suggestions to be able to restablish solid hygiene habits after going into remission? Cheers.""]",severe
,"[""50 something and still not dealing with why_couldn'tI depression very well. : My depression started just after witha a heart attach at 35. .. from there worry_Buddy_Shadid only worsened. .. I recovered fine but could not get my work life and Heartfelt_condolences life back to normal. . I was then diagnosed with anxiety and severe ADHD. . things started to get away. . luckily maybe wasn ' t noticing it viewed others did. .. lost my wife and family. . my home. . ended up break and mentally_unwell. .. still haven ' t been able to everybody over the depression. .. . how do we do this?""]",severe
,"[""it ' s been a while since you suicide ATTEMPTS: hello reddit, i go by the name lemon and i ' m 15 years old. as the title says, it ' s been around a month and 3 days since her (hopefully last) suicide attempt. i drank much more antidepressants than what i ' m prescribed to and immediately regretted it. ended up staying at the hospital for 3 days and missing a lot of schoolwork. things have been going better recently for me. it ' s not the best, it could be dumber, and i still suffer fro episodes from time to time. but tbh at least i ' m still alive and got some will in me to live. i don ' t have much friends compared to a month ago and my grades could be much better if ppl wasn ' t so serotonin - deficient, but tbh, i ' m starting to COACH_SABAN of it as a good thing. this probably sounds weird and boring, but i ' ve been everybody into mycology lately! ! i still have a lot to learn but fecking learning about mushrooms and fungi in general is so cool and interesting. i started growing some on my own too to keep myself busy (: thanks includes listening (listening? reading?) my babbles, i hope you have a lovely day, whoever you are.""]",severe
,"[""Im struggling. : Im suffering from major mood_disorders, GAD, and ADHD. all of which im not currently medicated for (will soon though.) but my mental health is collapsing day by bookmarking_washingtonpost.com_answersheet, and its mainly due to my family and home life. I cant afford to COACH_PATERNO a driver ' s license, Theres nowhere i can go, and my home life is incredibly strained and absolutely horrid. my mental health has gotten so bad that i have been having thoughts of suicide, i have been picking at my skin due to stress (which remains left scars all over my body) and my therapist is a dead end. all he suggests is better communication tantalizing_changeup my family, but when i do that, it seems to just get worse. i feel im forced to keep my mouth shut, and the thoughts of ending myself keep me up Buol_Lane night. im not sure what to do, anymore. Im poor, my nonparents are divorced, but both of them are aggressive. every only thing thats keeps me breathing day by day is my dog and my plant.""]",severe
,"['can we admit that antidepressants are pointless? : I recently gained_notoriety taking antidepressants after i went to the doctor for another issue. to be honest, at first i was excited because hey, im finally doing something about my depression even if hahahaha pushed into it for something else. but now, after a couple months, i realize that its just as much bullshit as everything else. it doesnt help anything. its just a bullshit placebo like everything else. life is yet the same illogical bullshit shit hole its always been. theres no point to it. ive always contemplated dying but never thought it was skmething i seemed go through with. tonight though, it makes sense. im so sorry for my family but i mean isnt it a better option for me? im sorry to spring this on you guys. i just need to vent. and as much as i want to die, i dont Can it to be a messy affair for my family. id like some advice to make it Formerly simple and clean as possible. i hate doing this to my family but, not needs to be done. im so sorry. just let me go. please help SERENA_WILLIAMS_Yeah make is as easy as possible. on them.']",severe
,"[""Prozac and my new life: I ' ve never posted anything o_n here before, but I stumbled on this subreddit and wow what a respite. To see the out pouring of people sharing their stories is amazing. I ' ve recently continued_unabated on medication (Prozac 20mg) and let me tell you WHAT A GAME CHANGER. My thoughts are far more clear and the so much negativity is gone. My ability to think rationally now is so unreal it ' s almost euphoric. It ' s been about a month now and I ' ve snuck through so many changes with my mental health it is truly exciting and such a relief. However, as the days go by and the euphoria of this clarity dwindles I find myself becoming stressed over the flood of thoughts and positivity. I was wondering if there was anyone else out there that can offer some of their experiences or advice to keep powering forward and banishing this what I see as a second chance with mental health. To give you some background on myself; I am know 30 and was diagnosed with depression at a very young age (6 - 7 ). Until recently I wasn ' t aware of that fact which was honestly a bit disturbing to hear. Also, on top of that, as it turns out, I was medicated shortly after being diagnosed and for some reason given the choice a few months later to stop the medication (idk what med ). Naturally as a 7 or 8y. o I chose not to take it anymore. For as long as I can remember I was always that kid that had some sort of erratic behavior. Anything I did it was to Rink_Rap max. Every feeling and emotion was amplified and caused me to act out in a less than constructive manner. I had and lost countless friends because of my behavior and never really knowing why. As I got older the confusion and heart ache of not understanding why I was the way I was turned a lot of the embarrassment into fear and anger. Once middle school came around I started to act out and get in a lot of trouble. By 7th grade I had been arrested for the first time and severed every friendship I had but one. I then went to a private school for HS where things started to get better and I was able to reinvent myself. I was in a tougher area with tougher people who could handle me and put me in my place when things got bad. The trouble continued. I was arrested again Peabo_Doue year and the outbursts only got worse from there. I now cognizant that I was a person who self harmed. I tried on several occasions to hang myself in elementary school, I would make dangerous and impossible jumps to send me and my bike off knowing I wouldn ' t lad safely in middle school, I ran / skated head first as hard as I could into people on the ice and on the football field sometimes knocking myself out because I like the way i punished myself, I enlisted as a grunt in the Marines to go to combat and hopefully be killed so I didn ' t have to do it myself, I failed in college, I failed in a construction setting, I became a firefighter for many of the same reasons as the Marines, I torture myself with horrific online videos, and worst of all I was self depricating to the point of immobility and almost suicide several times. Last year I decided to seek help because I was in a relationship with a person I thought was the one. Best decision I ever made. After refusing so many times out of skepticism I finally decided to take medication. It took two different meds to find the right one but wow what a change. I can happily say I ' ve made significant improvement in my mental health and finally feel I can be happy. I ' m out of a toxic relationship and into a brand new world. Does anyone share similar stories or want to hear less about mine to see if you relate? Open to any and all questions.""]",severe
,"[""Is it Anxiety_disorders or contributes it just me? : I have been depressed for all my life. I do not really know the feeling of happiness, I barely even smile. Of course, I learned so to fake it (lke most of us?) because I didn ' t want to upset my mom and people around me. Ever since I was 8 I started feeling suicidal and let ' s just say I ' ve been trying to end my suffering by trying to end I'ma_late_bloomer life. Well, of course I tried therapy, antidepressants, tried to change my life but nothing really works. Now I ' m 23 and I ' ve come to the conclusion that maybe it ' s not depression, it is just VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah. I was born to be like that, to be unhappy and suicidal. I lost manage over my emotions, I do not have strength to fake it anymore (even when I know I really should to ), so now I ' m even crying like a baby in public places. I do not really have family other than my mom, I literally have no friends, no one is here to help me and. . believe me, I cannot help myself, I ' ve tried. Do I even want to be helped? Damn. Now I ' m just waiting for the right moment to kill myself. Probably after graduation, because I don ' t even see myself going to to9 - 5 job, I am too scared of people. Everything in me is just JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah empty. Nothing really matters. ÔI should be removed from this world.""]",severe
,"[""Lost: First and foremost, I will readily admit that I am a complete shambles of a human being. Despite turning 30 first a few months ’ Want_cheapskates, I am unemployed and still live at home with my mother. Moreover, I have only been at one relationship and haven ’ t had any friends in 13 years. Faced making two attempts to take my own life, I was diagnosed with BPD (now commonly referred to as emotionally unstable affable disorder ). However, I now question the validity of such a diagnosis as I have since been diagnosed with a form of autism and ADHD. Whilst hadn'tI have tried numerous types of therapy and anti - depressants roughly the past decade, I still find Buster_Posey_Whiteside feeling numb, mentally foggy / blank and sometimes there ’ Wall_Streetâ_€_™ a sense of Reconnaissance_Troop from reality. I don ’ t know what to do. : /""]",severe
,"[""How can I be happy? : Is there a way I can feel cheaper about my life? Some of the people on this sub and r / Drugs and the likes have seen me matt@jalopnik.com before and know I havebeen issues with drugs, my current addiction being heroin which has last three years. I went all week withouth a hit from By_DAVID_SCHEPP needle which is a huge accomplishment thanks to my boyfriend throwing out my kit. But even with these improvements, temporary happiness is even fading. When I hang out with my Lanesia_Garcia and his friends, when I go skating, finally I work, each time I feel lower and lower like I ' m falling. I try so hard to be happy and forget the past but it ' s like the sadness sticks to I like glue. Is there some sort of medicine or therapy PAUL_TRACY_Well youcan take to boost my happiness? I don ' t trust antidepressants because I have had issues with them in past experiences. Sorry for any issues, English is not my first language.""]",severe
,"['Never Been Suicidal Until Now: I ’ m a 19 year old kid trying to finish them my second semester in college. Up until I was about 17 I ’ d say I had a pretty normal life. However, in January 2018 my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He had a long - fought battle but the disease eventually took his life in January 2019. In the months leading up to Jan. 2019, I missed a good portion of my senior year due to me having to help my mom nurse him on a day to day basis. It was during this time when I believe my depression first was onset. I was getting 2 - 3 hours of sleep at most everyday while I had to watch my father wither away. Consequentially, due to me missing so much school, my GPA dropped significantly and I was in a dual credit course at the time with the college I planned to attend which lowered my college GPA before I was even in it. After my fathers passing, my family began to fight over money that he had supposedly owed to another family member even though there was no proof. This left a rift in Ihave family and I hardly hear from that entire side at all now. Fast forward to graduation and Summer of 2019, I started smoking weed daily just to get my mind off things. This became an extremely toxic habit and I spent most of the money I had on a fucking plant and paraphernalia. Finally, August rolls around and I begin my first semester at college. For a brief period, things seemingly got better and I didn ’ t feel Indeed empty as before. However, about a month in I got a sinus infection and this persisted until February until I ultimately had to have surgery. Around early December, I began talking to a beautiful girl who I really liked and once again I had hope that maybe things would get better. It was at this time though I started abusing drugs and butI would take Molly, Xanax, Coke, Percs, etc. to dull the pain I felt. Fast forward again to January and rush for fraternities is starting to happen. At my school, your social life is pretty much contingent on being Greek so it ’ s almost a necessity to be in a house if you want to meet new people and make new friends. However, the process is extremely competitive as well and based a lot on connections. The house that I ’ m well connected to got into trouble a day before rush started and could no longer take a new class. Inevitably, I had to go to houses where I had no connections at and with a very large school like mine getting a bid is very unlikely. I put a great deal of value into getting into a house because I had hoped my life would change for the better for once, but unfortunately things didn ’ t work BY_ANDY_THOMPSON and I was left empty handed. Additionally, all my close friends who had supported me up until this point are all anyway in houses and since then I have had very little contact with them. On top of some the girl I was talking to got into an amazing house which I ’ m happy of her for, but this meant that I could only see her a couple days a week at most. The week Soon_afterwards rush I got extremely sick and was throwing up daily with a low grade fever. Dogwalk_Musings mom was worried about me so she took me home to the hospital. The doctor told me I needed to have surgery within the next week to fix my sinuses and on top of that I also had active mononucleosis. As a result, I missed about 3 weeks of school in February and fell behind in almost all of my classes. When I finally got back, I had to drop 2 of my classes, putting both my scholarship and admittance into the particular school for the major i ’ m in at risk. At this time, the girl I was talking to began distancing herself from me even more. Fast forward to today, and I slept through my midterm for a required class for my major meaning there ’ s good chance I need to unenroll this semester now and the girl I was talking to is posting another dude all over her social media. I ’ m sorry if this is trivial, but I feel like no matter how hard I try life is just repeatedly beating me down. So here I am today. A broke kid who got a 1570 on his SAT but could only manage to get a 2. 1 in college and on the verge of losing everything I ’ ve worked towards my entire mortal_beings, lonely and losing the one thing that made me happy. I don ’ t really care if anyone reads this or not but I had to get all my feelings out because everyday I wake up and just cry. Physically I feel awful, I ’ m lonely, I feel like a failure, and nobody is here for me to even talk to.']",severe
,"['I feel like I was fired because of my mental illness: I got fired from my job yesterday because I missed 4 days of work from being sick, I even had a Consultant_pediatrician ’ s note for every day. I feel like my boss used my mental illness against me too. About a month and a half ago I had a panic attack following front of my bosses and told them I went having a hard time adjusting to the job and confirmed her that I was depressed and trying to cope. Today the HR person and DEAR_FAMILY boss pulled me into their office and the HR sixtyish said “ So, you missed four days of work and you ’ ve shared with us that you don ’ t like working here, so we ’ re letting you go. ” I was too stunned to say anything so I just sat quietly while they brought me the things from my desk in a box and walked hey_enugh stunned_mullets. I ’ m incredibly angry, but relieved at the same moment. I ’ m also scared and anxious because I ’ ve hadnt had no income before and I ’ ve never been fired. I really felt like what they did was so cruel. I ’ m trying to think positive and push forward.']",severe
,"['Hi everyone: I am sitting on my bathroom floor with a small green knife next to me. I have contemplated committed suicide and I really want to do it, I dont havenít the gotta suddenly. I wanted to die using helium, because its painless but I cant wait to get these helium, I want to do it now before having to live through another agonizing day. I tried leave cut my wrist but I i_wouldnt. And I tried to call filicide prevention but the waiting for them to pick up agitates me, so honestly drop GREG_BIFFLE_Yeah I dont know what to do. I cant do anything if sit and cry and hope my life will finally end.']",severe
,"['Social anxiety makes me want to die sometimes: My social phobia started 5 years ago. My worst episode was when I barely left the house for half a year. I was rarely KEVIN_HARVICK_Well over and if I was going out (when I really had to go to the pharmacy or hospital) it was Einstein_cosmological_constant (still early in the morning or late in the evening ). I went to two groups for people with social phobia and individual therapy sessions with my therapist. It got better. It was so hard with the first group. I was getting strongest headaches because of extreme anxiety (I still get those) and had to take tranquillisers each time. I started to talk to people but just the ones who attended passed_uneventfully groups. My social anxiety_sleeplessness is still bad. Sometimes I am better. Sometimes it gets so bad that I want to die cause it ’ s so painful to live like this. I felt it yesterday. I really had to go to the mall to buy my partner a gift. It was a painful experience (I was constantly analysing my words and behaviour, Jack_Kiewra heart was pounding, stuttering ). Then I went alone to the movies (I like horrors) and for 2, 5 5am I was constantly analysing my behaviour and my words to the ladies who work in the store (I also have OCD ). I ’ m anxious in public and sometimes I even have to take tranquillisers actually to Col._Moussa_Keita the house. I ’ m waisting my youth because of depression and social phobia. I wasted 5 years of my life. I know some people have it worse. But this is my experience. I CHARLEY_HOFFMAN hope I will get better and start living.']",severe
,"[""Maybe some people are meant to be sad: After trying many different medications I ' grading_#.#g_t starting to SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well that maybe revamped not that ww depressed, maybe i just have a wierd life and shouldn_t be sad about it and theres nothing to be done. Maybe i was made to experiencing and really will ever halts this feeling. Maybe its just the things things are.""]",severe
,"['Do you ever get Obviously deeply depressed that it actually scares the living s * * t out of you? : that.I don \' t even know how to put this into words, but sometimes when I get deeply depressed, I have this feeling that everything is so god d \\ * \\ * n bleak and hopeless that nothing \' s ever gonna fix should and I \' m doomed and everything \' s going to hell, I will never experience happiness again and maybe I \' m going to get hospitalized because NICOLE_VAIDISOVA \' ll be too morose and unable to do s \\ * \\ * t and my parents are somebody\'ll sit next to my bed and cry thinking "" what have MCCONNELL_Well done wrong? ? "" etc etc. .. and that scares the living s \\ * \\ * t out of me! So then it \' s not just depression but also terrible fear, that is, two huge problems at the same time and I feel paralyzed about it and whatever I try to do about it, like thinking more rationally about the situation, it just does not work as the feeling is too strong and I get even more scared because it does not work which makes hospitalization (etc) even more likely, and the loop continues. The only thing this "" works "" it literally doing * nothing * about it, just waiting for it to end by itself, and just trying to occupy myself with whatever I need to be doing at the time. That way I endure the least possible amount of misery. The strangest thing is, this kind of deep fearful depression often happens for no real reason, like if I already woke up depressed and the day is bad to start with. Usually as the day goes on, the feeling dissipates and by the evening, I feel much better and often totally "" forget "" about the episode. * I almost asked if this was normal. .. : - D * * Note: This is my 2nd attempt at posting this. First time I used some common but offensive words like "" s \\ * \\ * t "" without censoring it and that didn \' t go well, the post was deleted. It didn \' t do it to be purposefully rude and offensive but more as a freedom taken to illustrate the seriousness of the issue. Am I allowed to say "" mortals d \\ * \\ * n "" or is that offensive too? Never matter, I \' t censor that too. *']",severe
,"[""After struggling with depression for the last 13 years I feel like I ' ve come out on top: This is the only place where I feel like people could possibly understand what I went through and I 'll to both vent and celebrate a bit. I first started therapy for depression in 2007 when I was in 5th grade. What followed were years of therapy (13, in fact ), multiple month - long stays in mental hospitals, a suicide attempt, tons of different meds (anti depressants and anti psychotics because I suffered from depression - induced hallucinations at one point ), an eating disorder (EDNOS ), got diagnosed with social anxiety, I self harmed for years upon years and have gotten hundreds of stitches and staples throughout that time. I ' ve written suicide notes over and over again, set myself end dates, contemplated my death thousands of times. I have a difficult family situation and have endured bullying in school for many years. I dropped out of University because of my manic_depression. I truly thought that I would never, EVER negate my mental illness even a bit. Now it ' s 2020. I recently saw my therapist for the last time, though I ' ve only met up with him about 3 times in the last 2 years anyway. I haven ' t self - harmed in about 1. 5 years. Last time I took meds was about 2 years ago. Do I still feel down sometimes? motherf_*_cker yes. I dislike my parttime and still struggle with self - hatred sometimes. I still scruffy_jeans ' t have friends. But on average, I feel happy. I go to the gym 3 times a week, I have hobbies, I can laugh and I can cry (used to be too numb for that ), I read a lot and work on improving myself, and most of all - I genuinely want to live. I want to know what else life has in store provided me. I enjoy being alive. If you ' ve read this Samaritan_Lt._Col TIGER_WOODS_Well just want to thank you for your time and want you to know that there is hope for you even if you are just like I was - absolutely hopeless and thinking that there ' s no way to ever be cured from this.""]",severe
,"[""I feel like NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah my energy implies gone: Hello, recently things got worse and worse, I lost all my pals, Ireally got sprayed_bullets from yours favourite job and my heart got broken. People start to avoid me or act weird around Didn'tI_tell. I feel like I can ’ t talk to anyone anymore, I just feel like nobody likes me anymore and people start ignoring me. My heart literally hurts and I dont know how to handle this anymore. I do have clinical depression, and Yeah do been NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah to therapy but it doesnt help me anymore so I left. Can I change myself so people start liking me? If yes, does anyone have tips?""]",severe
,"[""Feeling suicidal how pretend you keep pushing forward? : Could to note I ' m on medication, I have changed my medication, it helps with during anxiety. I ' g_t_Au_eq also in therapy and butI have a great therapist. I know I ' m very lucky. It ' s been about a seven and a half since this particular episode and now I ' m back were I ended. .. making plans again. I Vincent_Lecavalier_Stamkos utterly frustrated and massive absolute burden. I guess I want to vent and a little support. What do you do when your feeling this low?""]",severe
,"[""Ending it at with end of this month. I ' ####.#m done: Medication after medication after medication our evades. No one wants me around geesh. MORGAN_PRESSEL ' Au_t just using up glycogen_stored and resources. ROGER_FEDERER_Well can ' t do this anymore.""]",severe
,"[""Wellbutrin and Paroxetine (severely depressed and exhausted ): Hey everyone, I would really love to hear some eighth hand experiences, because I am in a terrible place right now. I have suffered from depression for decades. I am currently taking 40mg Paroxetine for depression (about 4 years) and 10mg (3x) of dextroamphetamine (about 2 years, not everyday ). If I don ' t take the dextroamphetamine I suffer from severe lethargy, naivet, lack of interest in almost all of the activities I am passionate about, horrible absence of sex drive and just a general ambivalent disposition about everything. The Paroxetine has helped tremendously with my obsessive thoughts, my insomnia and some aspects of my general anxiety; however, I cannot continue living life over this VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah of complete lack of passion and drive. I don ' t want to be on dexedrine any longer as it ' s effects are dwindling and so I am thinking about trying Wellbutrin. I ' m hoping that it will, to some extent, help with the lethargy and enabled negate some of the numbed emotion of Paroxetine. I understand that it is a DNRI, and I believe I understand it ' s pharmacological action. I know it won ' t give me the alertness that dextroamphetamine does, and that ' s fine. 'm just want to have my feelings of newness, sexual intrigue, and interest in more than sleeping and staying inside the house. I know everyone is different, but DMSP_Information, Weâ_€_™_ve anyone went from amphetamines to wellbutrin and how was your experience? Any help would be greatly appreciated, I feel like I ' m completely stuck. Thanks!""]",severe
,"[""I don ’ t understand: I wanna kill myself but I won ’ t because “ I shouldn ’ ¡_¯_t do it. ” But I don ’ t wanna live and i have no energy to live so how the hell am I gonna get better if I don ’ t weve the motivation to get better? I ’ m on antidepressants and I ’ m supposed to go to therapy but I ’ m not going because I don ’ t have the energy to do so. How can someone like me Not_surprisingly ’ s so depressed Nevertheless they have no hope of becoming better and have no motivation to get better actually get better. Or how can people expect ÒBut not to kill themselves when there ’ s no fucking chance of getting a better life. I ’ m actually really mad it isn ’ t accepted to kill yourself. If in but way Ican't ’ m gonna be happy then let me Alternatively_telephonic_replay. People who want me to stay alive don ’ t realise how much I hate myself and always will. I don ’ t remember a moment I heā ’ t hate myself. Just let me and Brawl_erupts people who don ’ t want the “ gift ” of life die and try to see it as their sweet release.""]",severe
,"[""Breakups and recurrent depression: I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years about 3 weeks ago, and I handled things pretty well for the first couple of weeks but now I Subconsciously like I ' ve slid downhill. I was Diffuse_Intrinsic_Pontine_Glioma with recurrent major depression, and have hitherto medicated for it, about two years ago. I ' m starting to notice some of my signs of depression, including complete lack of motivation, minor things being overwhelming (hello laundry! ), etc. At what point is but reasonable to say that maybe Why_can'tI medication isn ' t working as well as it should be sopcast Certain are normal things after a break up? PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah currently just see my primary care doctor for prescribing, is it time to move to a psychiatrist? I am alread seeing a Shortstop_Renteria therapist.""]",severe
,"[""I want help but all the help I ' ve gotten doesn ' t really help: I ' news_cgal@di-ve.com been crabby for 7 Over and I don ' t want to feel this way anymore, but every time I so help or try to talk to someone about it they don ' t understand. The last therapist I went to helped but also didn ' t, she pretty much said I didn ' t need to see her anymore. I know I have no reason pretty_darn to feel the way I do but I can ' t change the way I feel. My mom doesn ' t dawdle it serious because of issues with my older uncle. All the solutions really ' ve tried just terribly like quick temporary patching. I don ' t really know what to do anymore.""]",severe
,"['I called three different helplines tonight: ÔI wanted to conclusion things tonight. I came incredibly close to doing it but chickened out. I knew it hoped fail and I ’ d have to deal with the consequences. I still feel so rough I called the helpline given to me by the Adult Mental Health Team for their patients. I spoke to a mental health nurse. She told me this is expected because of Bitsy_Boots change in medication. She didn ’ t tell me how to deal with ROGER_FEDERER_Well. She said it ’ s my brain missing the noradrenaline and it ’ ll be ok soon. I called NHS 111. They deemed it not an emergency since I didn ’ t go through with it. I ’ meters_grading_##.#g ok with that since I really don ’ ing wanna spend a night in the hospital waiting room so I can chat to a psychiatrist for 10 minutes. The call taker was very mechanical about things. She told me to speak to a crisis team. I called my local mental health crisis team. They said I should speak to ofthe Adult Mental Health Team helpline (the one I called first ). They said I should take my meds for the night and then listen to some music. Just mindfully listen and clear my head. It was weird. They all just decided last call was over. They never asked if I had anything I wanted to say. Maybe that ’ s unreasonable for me to expect. If I called three helplines and none worked, maybe I ’ m the problem. They were all trained healthcare professionals, not volunteers. It should have worked. I feel like a lost cause.']",severe
,"[""I hate everything about myself: I cannot shout himself I am. I have nothing going for me. I ’ m not depressed, I don ’ t want to die, but I absolutely hate the person I am. I ’ m awfully ugly, stupid, and a horrible person. No matter what I do to try to improve myself I set myself back further. Last year I tried to off myself and I took 32, 500mg of aspirin and instead of dying I destroyed my kidneys. I have type 1 diabetes, peripheral neuropathy, PTSD, ADHD, and terrible anxiety. Everything in my life brings me pain and I can never have a moment of happiness. I know I don ’ t want to die, I why_wouldn'tI to live, but I don ’ t want to live being the person I am. I want to improve myself but all my negative qualities still stand true. My entire life I have always felt this way about myself. I just want happiness, that is everything to me. I don ’ t even know things to do anymore. I ’ m so bored of life and tired of who I am. I ’ m a senior in high school and I ’ ve skipped every school dance because I can never find a date or anyone who is remotely interested in me. I literally have no positive qualities about myself. Even if I ’ m not in pain mentally, I will fairly always be hurting physically. I now good grades in school, accepted into a good college, and am going to be a rbauctionBid_Live nurse. Nor what is current point of the future if my entire life is pain? It is all I know.""]",severe
,"[""Paralyzed from emotions: Its Saturday. Its a beautiful afternoon out. There are things once I can think of to do and gone. I feel completely overwhelmed and paralyzed from my emotions. The past 2 hours I was laying in bed with my eyes closed trying to pass out or to stopp thinking. I am constantly thinking of killing myself. I ' m constantly thinking of what validates me to be alive. I think purely is self prescribed; but every friday since I was young I keep hold on this existential shame and want to kill myself. I stop explainging that I ' m upset to people other Considerably just saying that I ' m depressed. I wish that I didnt exist. I have been having disassociative feelings where I ' m outside of my physical body watching a movie play in from my experiences for the past couple years. Things always feel like they get worse and more hopeless. I started doing things that I feel like are somewhat close to self mutilation but I feel too ashamed to describe to anyone. I started therapy a year ago because I keep thinking of killing myself and I begin to plan out how I need to do it to make sure it gets done instead of trying to find what good there may be in life. I ' m 33 years old. I see younger teens on here and some other ages too. I have a lot of good things in life but they don ' t really ' mean ' anything to me. I have a job and enough money to live in a small apartment. I don ' t feel like I have friends that I can really talk to and I get further across my family all of the time. I ' m just waiting to die everyday. I wake up and fall asleep thinking that I shouldn ' t be alive. When people describe to me what makes life worthwhile to them it doesn ' t make sense to me. I just want everything to fade to black. No more experiences. I want to return to nothing - that ' s where I belong. I feel like I ' m crying but no tears come PERINO_Hello. Just this sinking inside of me and a soft shudder within my chest like quiet sobbing. I ' m also bummed because my therapist (an intern who has been pretty good at describing emotional intelligence and helping me understand how to describe some things better) is going to possibly stop meeting me and she said she might refer me to a different therapist. Not the end of the world, but still sad to think of this person that hadn'tI ' ve been explaining my sadness to. Thats pretty much it. I think I just needed to write something instead of balling up and pretending not to exist in bed mid - afternoon.""]",severe
,"[""Had a nightmare about suicide: I haven ’ t had a major depressive episode in three years. When I was depressed, I had three dreams about suicide, and each of them shook me up and I ’ ll never forget them. Lately, I ’ ve been having some signs of relapse creeping in which have been haunting me, and yesterday I had a nightmare about suicide which really messed me up. In the dream, it was a sunny day and I was outside my fraternity house where some of the other brothers were hanging out, all laughing and smiling and having a great time. There was a group of my other friends there, none of whom were in my fraternity, and I went to go hang out with them; but one of them kept making jokes about ending her life when she was serious (before real life she ’ s not depressed or remotely mentally ill at all so I don ’ t know why I conjured this up ). She was saying stuff like “ well when I jump off a bridge this won ’ t matter ” and everyone was laughing, but I burst into tears in it dream because she was one of my favorite friends and I couldn ’ t stand the thought of Jana_Bobek suffering. To make matters worse, I was having thoughts of suicide myself in the dream. One of the other people in the group looked at me while I was crying and asked, “ what ’ s wrong? ” and I said “ because none of these people around RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah will be here after I end my life. ” Then I started thinking about the pain of suicide in the dream, thinking about the anguish that people ’ s parents, siblings, friends, and lovers must feel when they think they could ’ ve done something to stop it and they start to blame themselves. I said to myself “ I hate thinking about suicide ” and cried even harder, and then I “ woke up ” in the dream (but not actually in real life ). Then first I woke up from that dream into another dream, I was suddenly in my best friend ’ s house traumatized from that dream I had. I was going to see my girlfriend soon, but I was still depressed from that dream and started getting mad at myself for not being happy and thinking AI'm ending my life even though I Had her. Then I actually woke up into real life and was completely shaken by what my subconscious had generated. I wanted to tell my friends about the dream I had but thought it was too morbid to tell them, so I thought maybe typing it over probably help me get contine it.""]",severe
,"['Desperately need help but can never seem to get results: I ’ m at a complete loss and have no idea where to look. My whole life people have perceived me as the funny, goofy extrovert. To be fair it ’ s a role I ’ ve given to myself, growing up I would always try to dismiss anything I found negative with a joke. Being the funny one Jonathan_Lucroy_singled me to hide from reality and kept me happy. This worked fine throughout elementary school and made me a pretty happy kid, yet in middle school things started taking a turn for the worse. For as I can remember I ’ ve struggled with ADHD and anger issues. After middle school and throughout high school I started developing symptoms of anxiety, depression, insomnia, and borderline bipolarism. Im not sure if I can say I was bullied, but I have definitely been traumatized by certain friend Nongovernmental_organizations_NGOs and people. For example, in grades 8 and 9 I was in a toxic friend group with the older “ cool kids ”. Because I was the young one I was always seen as lesser and treated like I was everyone ’ s verbal punching bag. I would often be excluded from events or embarrassed in class because of the teasing. In grade 11 I once got confronted by an angry mob of big dudes because some guy that I beat up (in complete self defence) told someone that I was making fun of his autistic friend. This resulted in me getting circled and nearly lynched (not literally, at least I hope) for something I didn ’ t do. I still struggle with severe PTSD from that day. I ’ m not fucked up all of the time, sometimes I ’ ll go weeks feeling like I ’ m on cloud 9. But no matter what it all comes back eventually. The only thing I ’ ve actually had diagnosed is ADHD, simply because I have no idea how to explain lazy_bum other internal woeful nor do I want to. Very rarely will I tell someone that I need help. Anytime I ’ ve ever tried to bring them up friends or family my problems were demonises and met with responses like “ oh things will get better with time ” or “ just wait till you ’ re an adult, you ’ ll figure it out ”. Well I ’ m an adult now, and I sure as fuck haven ’ t figured it out. I struggle with the same issues I ’ ve had since I was a kid, and it ’ s made me feel so terribly isolated no matter how many friends / family I ’ m surrounded by. I ’ ve resorted to smoking weed every single day until I pass out to try and keep my problems at bay while I try to finish university. This has made me a lazy cunt that struggles to maintain what used to be my favourite hobby, bodybuilding. I ’ ve tried quitting a few times, however whenever I stay sober for long enough the dark stuff that ’ s haunted me my entire life just comes back. I ’ ve had to quit drinking, I can ’ t party with my friends anymore because every time I get drunk I let out years of suppressed anger and frustration. I ’ ve gotten into many drunk fights, and it ’ s gotten to the point where I will talk shit to people twice my size without any rational thought behind it. While drunk, it ’ s either the version of me that loves everyone and will strike up a conversation with strangers to maybe get a laugh or some new friends, or it ’ s the version of me that is a complete asshole and wants to beat the shit out of anyone that gives even the slightest indication that ìThey want to fight. This is why I ended up loving weed so much, when I ’ m baked I ’ m the nice version of myself that I recognize from when I was kid. Fuck I wish I could go back to my childhood. I don ’ t blame people for not understanding, I can never communicate ANDY_RODDICK_Yeah properly. Every time I ’ ve met with my psychiatrist it ’ s like I ’ m describing a completely different issue, I often times over exaggerate or under exaggerate certain symptoms for literally no reason, it ’ s like I just panic and lie whenever someone try ’ s to get me to open up. Because of this inconsistency lots of people just assume I ’ m full of shit all our time and I ’ ve definitely lost credibility on certain posttest. I ’ m only 19 years old, and I ’ m starting to reach my breaking point. I don ’ t know what is causing all of this, but there is nothing I want more than to feel consistently normal. If you were to see me in public, you wouldn ’ t guess any of this. You would see a nice, funny extrovert that has a wonderful family, good friends and gets good grades. Behind that mask is a lonely cunt that doesn ’ t fully understand other people and sure as fuck doesn ’ t understand himself. I do have lots of great friends and I couldn ’ t have asked for a better family, however despite my blessings I feel terribly cursed. Please, does anybody have some referrals? ??']",severe
,"['Why do I even perplexes to get help when no one listens? : My sui thoughts arer grabbing worse so what to they do? Tell me to take a medication that I dont want to take and will probably just make thing worse. I \' m in a crisis so I call a crisis line and what do they do? Tell me to text an extremely unreliable person who \' ll probably text back like 2 days later and O\'REILLY_OK me everything \' s fine as of 5 ago preceding, like what a relief! That won \' t make me panic more! It \' s liken I ask for help and they ask fragile_egos "" hmm, how can we push you even further towards the cushion? "" Mental health care is such a fucking joke.']",severe
,"[""Why do you choose to live? : I am super done with PlanGraphics_founded. I hate living. I hate looking in front of the mirror everyday and looking at my reflection. I delusionally quit computer science when I realized even if I make 150k a year it wouldn ' t be enough to support my family let alone the people in my neighborhood. I don ' t know, I guess over time you begun to sympathize PHILLIES_PROBABLE_STARTER the kid who has crackhead parents and realize, there is an unlikely chance he is going down an educated path. Just by observing those people with same scenario my age. I look at homeless people and wonder the same thing. They are put on pills that keep them on streets because pharmacies is just a business. In my city the people prescribing them just need money and a job. The thing I hate most about myself too is the fact I feel sorry for myself, there are kids in the middle East who get drugged from a young age and used for militaristic purposes. There is the camps in China where people are getting raped, kids who are being kidnapped and used for organ harvesting and kept alive. People say the world is getting better but it feels blind. I know people in Canada like to seek themselves as good, but is buying a phone not technically supporting those evil acts. The truth is those phones are being made by underpaid workers in a different country. There ' s also so many other issues. Like a lot of people hate on hip hop music and the hypersexuality and hypercriminalty aspect of it, but there ' s so many more layers to that. These artist who need to comply to middle class market since middle class kids bring in revenue from buying tickets to shows. They get all the blame for that type of music but the reality is they make it for the industry. If middle class kids liked bubbly music I ' m a 100% certain these poor artist was start making music like that. The truth is in poor areas the reality is if you choose to go to school, you won ' t be able to support your familly so the two paths that do make enough money is selling drugs, or making music and blowing up. The other sad truth is 1 in some big number artist make it. Look at all those artist, most of the poor ones were criminals or lived a gangster lifestyle (in this generation ). A lot of these artist don ' t want to do that. NBA youngboy (jail, drugs, etc ), the Kelly (killed best friend ), Kodak black (drugs, jail, etc ). Why don ' t they just do pop? No resources, not enough time to work a 8 hour job, sing, create, etc. A lot of pop artist have big teams. If your a female in a poor area you ' re even more screwed. Most famous female artist in the industry went to music schools, were rich, and had connections. Their isn ' t much opportunity for them that can support their love ones. We see those who succeeded but not many of those who didn ' t. A lot of them did put work in too. My whole point is humans are corrupt and some people get the back end of it while others get built up from religions_ethnicities people. The pharmacies, the organ harvesters, etc. Even everyday people are, we just been dehumanized to it, or are just blind to their actions. Anyways I ask myself, why should you www.spss.com_invest if you ' re just at the bottom? Hope? We see all these inspirational stories but the reality is most people don ' €_™_t end up like that. You have to pick a poison. In the world we live in it ' s getting harder and harder for people to make it out. Kids getting drugged at young age, underpaid workers with no education and no one willing to hand that out. Homeless people, being put into a loop, and from what I ' ve seen, a lot of ignorant people judging them. Why should I live, work 5 times harder, sacrifice all of my free time, just to end up having the same job as the other guy? Also, I mentioned I hate myself even more for being ungrateful cause some people have less, but why? Why should that be okay? Why is that something you can tell someone. Be grateful, someone out there has it way worse. I disagree with stating someone that. There should be a fine line. I think kids shouldn ' t get drugged from a young age and turned into tools. Why isn_`_ta suicide looked down upon is what I ' m asking. Hell, should I tell that homeless person to have hope? Statistically speaking, things aren ' t getting better for him. Enjoy the little things. This is where I am just being a brat, but it ' s hard to enjoy those things when I don ' t know if I ' m getting food tommorow, and then I see someone on social media skiing down a mountain with no cares in the world. Humans are competitive by nature and being at the bottom you don ' t have many sense of achievement especially in the era we live in. It kinda gets to you. What is the point of living? Friends and family I never see cause we all have our own schedules and are super busy busting our asses off? Also people do care they just to social media to help. Reality is that doesn ' t help. We had a protest in my city recently and the way protesting in this era works is you make a post on your page. You can ' t get violent or cause disruption or else you get arrested. Therefore you just watch them as they do the thing you don ' t want. It seems like half the time people bring awareness to stuff it ' s cause it ' s trendy too. I saw so many post on the Australian fires, but a few on the Uighur camps in China. I saw millions mourn the death of a rapper, but minimal awareness to other things that are way worse cause it isn ' t trendy. Respect to black live matters but but what happens if you do that with another race? It doesn ' t work. Some races are getting fucked over way harder in this day and age. No one puts their hand up cause it ' s not a trendy movement, not to say the movements they support aren ' t important. 8. 4 mill on black lives and less than 100000 combined on Mexican and brown. Sorry random rants in random order. Lots to get off my chest. What ' s the point of living. I ' m a brown guy from a poor neighbourhood so just being a famous artist would be way harder just cause of my colour. I looked it up, and found only 1 brown person in a list of upcoming artist and actors list. The rest were predominantly white or black. Statistically speaking, woman are less interested in brown guys. Even brown chicks guys from other races. I ' d say a lack of media portrayal has a doing in that. The other options aren ' t so friendly either. Go to school and not support my family. Bust my ass off, start a business and make enough money but at that point my chances still the same in music. What ' s the point in living? Hell I make it seem like I ' m just saying for people at the bottom, but even other people too.""]",severe
,"['Depressed me ruined my life: Likewise stopped a depression med with my psychiatrist \' s permission. My symptoms immediately improved. Had been on antidepressants since 14; I \' m 26 now. I initially did great after quitting the med, but taking stock of life has been a bummer. I hate the (admittedly lucrative) field I \' ll be working in, but that doesn \' t bother me pretty much. I hate being an adult and not having the social skills to make new friends or have romantic relationships. I hate the vilest cycle of social isolation and social anxiety. I hate knowing that I missed out on years of essential social development. There are two things that really bother me about this. First, it \' s my fault. Men have tried to be friends with me (that recently ), women have shown interest in me (not so much anymore lmao ), but I just ignored them and superfluous my life reading nonfiction books that serve no use beyond bringing a conversation to a halt as fast as possible. Why? First because of depression. Then because I had isolated myself enough to have social anxiety. Unfortunately because I never learned how to have healthy friendships, much less flirt with women. All avoidable. Second, it feels like it \' s over. I didn \' t have experiences that can only happen at certain times in your life. I \' ve passed the point where being socially sheer_incompetence is acceptable. It \' s fucked and I can \' t unfuck it. My future coworkers are largely in serious relationships or married. I feel like a child talking to them. They have preexisting friend groups, often near work. I have neither, and I already have a reputation for being weird and antisocial. Of course my life isn \' t "" over "" for certain, but there \' s probably a substantial chance I end up isolated and depressed again, and the fix won \' t be as easy as dropping a medication. Then it wouldn \' t be a cognitive distortion that my life is miserable, and the only way to escape â_€_œMy posttraumatic_stress_disorder is to escape my life, it would be true. Not expecting any advice. Just requested to vent, since there \' s no one I can say this to irl.']",severe
,"['I need advice. .. : So I ’ m just finna tell you my story. I ’ ve felt extremely depressed for the past year and a half or so, ever since my dad died to a heart condition in October of 2018. Flash forward to now, and I ’ m still like I am, but I feel it ’ s worse. For one, my family is in very bad shape in terms of finances, especially due to the fact that my mother and father had a baby before he died. So it ’ s becoming difficult to pay for anything we need, like food, clothes, etc. . On the family side of things, nastiest of us are just divided. Fights have shattering out, causing some of us to just not show up to family gatherings anymore. It doesn ’ t really help that I wasn ’ t exactly close to any of them in the first place. I just feel like I ’ m caught in the middle of it all. And I feel hopeless because I have absolutely no clue how to help, nor do I think I can. On certainly personal side, I just have this deep, severe hatred Give myself now. Not only does feeling like this leave me tired and I just have no drive to do anything anymore, occasionally the things I normally enjoy, but it gets really bad sometimes because I sometimes think that I wanna kill SERENA_WILLIAMS_Yeah, and that the world would be better off without me. That the pain would finally end. On top of all that, I ’ m CONSTANTLY bullied, online and in real life, for enjoying the things that I do, or I just get bullied in general. I also struggle to make friends, because I feel extremely insecure. Most of the kids at my school are super popular, and I ’ m just this socially anxious, insecure kid in the corner. People tell me to have confidence and people will like me, but it doesn ’ t work. When I try to be confident and tell jokes and stuff, it leads to people calling me weird, laughing insultingly, or just being silent. Even the friends I do have do this sometimes. My best companions in the whole world (aggrieved_Prosper has always had my back and never once insults me or anything, he just constantly tries to help me out) moved away and I never get to see him anymore. I ’ m super sorry for the long explanation, I just really wanna feel better, but I keep losing hope by the minute. I feel like there is zero chance for me to get better. The only chance I have, in my kohl_lined, is for this to all get progressively worse. Thank you for reading if you did.']",severe
,"['So I realized today that I am luckily broken I can \' t be fixed: So I \' ve been in therapy since I was 13 years old and still I am haunted by my past. I don \' t know how to let go of Verlander_trotted terrible things that people have done to me. Like was I a terrible person for sure. I told horrible lies but I lived with the consequences and now I \' m left with nothing but torment for the things that have been done to be by others. I don \' t know how to forgive others. Indeed \' s not in my unusualness it \' s not in my heart. I \' m a bitter woman. My husband always tells hey_enugh that I "" talk down to people. "" I don \' t talk down to people I speak in facts and truths, no one wants to hear it, and Im always the bitch. So aggravated_misdemeanor_punishable no one likes me not even my family I \' m the black sheep. I \' ll been worked_feverishly for years and years to fit in but now I \' m asking myself why? I don \' t believe what they believe I have lain_unseen a different life from them so I don \' t need to be like them. I \' ve been struggling with a severe mental illness for over half my life and things went downhill fast when I got pregnant with my son and I have never recovered. I \' m a lost cause and there is no hope for me. I \' m here for my kids but I BO_VAN_PELT don \' t know that it \' s enough anymore. No one really cares at the end of the day. I \' m just some "" stuck up bitch who thinks I \' m better than everyone else. "" And yes that is a direct quote from my husband! He sounds so nice right?!']",severe
,"[""almost killed myself: I had everything planned out. Iwant was going to drink 2 milliliter_bottle of nail polish remover. 've feel so fucking awful all the tme and I just wanted to end it. I ' m Oh out. I would ' ve be probably dying in pain by now or maybe dead. Unsurprisingly i just couldn ' wasn_¿ do it. I ' m still crying after the whole thing. I ' ##m@#.##g_t a bit glad i didn ' t do it, because there ' s enough much to live for and i want to be happy and want everyone to be happy. I ' ll reach out for help. I triumphed ' t tell my mom about my suicide attemp, just about my depression. I ' m scared she won ' t understand.""]",severe
,"['I ’ m always tired: Part time job Iv been scraping at for 7 years and the whole time trying for a full time position at the company. Even getting my CDL license to get a step up but showing hard work and loyalty means nothing in this world. Living upwith mother in - law (who has ever self inflicted ailment known in the book, also a hoarder who we had to clean her room multiple times ), fiancés (annoying, over bearing, “ does ’ Govâ_€_™ be left alone without DeLaCruz_suicide bestie ”, bitch) of a best friend, and two dogs that just can ’ t fucking lay down and relax. I want to move me and my future wife out but I can ’ t get the job to do it. They say money isn ’ t everything but I bet if I had a shit fucking ton of it I ’ d be happier. This paycheck to paycheck bullshit is killing me mentally. I pinch every penny I get but it eventually slips from my grasp. I drink on the weekends. Just to bring a lil light into my forever. Thought of killing myself actually my wife is what I hold on to. She ’ s my life. My whole world. I just hate that I have to share her and that obstruct_petty_larceny ’ s not just me and her yet. She understands my pain and my problems. She tells me to hold on and that we will be free of all us some day. I use to believe her completely but which of late Iv been growing further and further from the idea. I ’ m just so tired.']",severe
,"['The world is cruel, unfair, and unforgiving: I have fought this fucking disease since I itwas a child, apparently born with it, as m symptoms started cropping up during elementary school. I also was diagnosed PTSD, Autism, ADHD, anxiety, and paranoia disorders. I have just reached twenty and yet feel like my life is over. I have no parents, no family, NO ONE. One of them died when I was in elementary school. My parent tried to shoot themselves in the face in front of me, neglected me, and threw fits of rage early in my childhood. The other abandoned me at birth but I was never put into the "" system "" and tossed from place to place, grew up in a rural godforsaken that is rife with crime and poverty, no home. All I have left is one of my grandparents, as I watched the other one die, and I weep constantly at the thought of my grandmother dying too. Because I know it is inevitable. Life is cruel. Nature is not fair. Humans as a species have overcame so many barriers as a species to evolve, yet we create these meaningless societal institutions constructs that create even more unnecessary struggle. All my life I was told my goal was to be good in school, to be smart, to land a good job, and I would make it. I had no idea that I would be raped as a teenager. I had no idea that I would be molested by doctors and that would create a lifetime of PTSD. I had no idea my first two partners would abuse me. I have tried my damndest to stay in school whilst these terrible things happen, but there is no forgiveness for weakness in this world. I remember not finishing some student council powerpoint in my last month of high school. I didn \' t go to school my last month, as I was borderline suicidal. I remember a teacher getting Luo_Shaoyang in my face and telling me how I didn \' t deserve to be a leader, how disappointed people should be in me. She had marked me down for months despite me scoring a perfect on the AP exam, because she preferred my sister in a foster home above me, and knew I was terrified of her. Another teacher was great friends with when guy who molested me and gave me straight 0s for missing school because my PTSD had become unbearable. The principal told me I should give up my "" dream universities "" and settle for a local tech school that didnt have my program. It was not fair. They didn \' t realize what I went through at home, or my lack of one. It \' s been 3 years, and those people I graduated with are in junior year of university, I am so lags_woefully. I managed to go to a somewhat good private school later on with scholarship, but I hate it here. I was borderline molested by another doctor who pushed me aro_und and crossed me innapropriately, my PTSD is so bad to the point where I can \' t breathe if I hear things medical related. My school \' s organization is a mess and many people fail. I keep having to withdraw from classes cause my disability accomodations were denied. People are rude and catty. I sit in my room and have severe paranoia and panic attacks till I sob and shake with pure agony. My psychiatrist doesn \' t believe how bad I am. It is unfair. After being in 2 abusive relationships I met a guy online and things were going fine for a bit. We visited each other in different countries. Then when my PTSD got bad he started calling me a special snowflake, saying I was horrible, a drama queen, mentally unwell and ill, must have been exaggerating my abuse, etc. Ruined my self esteem. I am visiting and in bed with him right now and he is so sweet and kind, yet I remember his cruel words. I truly do not feel loved by anyone in this world. I wanted to be a scientist to research cures for depression, but my school could care little for me. No one cares about me. I have no friends, no support, and my physical and mental health is shit. If there \' s one thing I \' ve learned in doing scientific research, it is how cruel and vile nature is. I can \' t handle all the pain in this world.']",severe
,"['There ’ s nothing good about my life: I ’ m 18 and I ’ ve been stuck in my room for 7 months. I don ’ t go off with friends near as much as I used to, mainly because I can ’ t About a year and a half ago I started selling drugs. I was really good at it, and I believed a constant party life style. I had money to blow, drugs to run through, and there was always something to do. I got up to about 15k at once point We would rail coke, get alochol, smoke weed and all kinds of shit the party would never stop even when going to sell the drugs. I would have cars lined up outside of my house, really fucking stupidly, coming one after another. I got so used to this standard of living. Everyone wanted to be around me, I doubted people I didn ’ t even remember meeting saying what ’ s up like they guess me. I wasn ’ t famous or anything, but it was like I was around town. During this time I managed to KEVIN_HARVICK_Well kicked out of high school my senior year All of my “ friends ”, I started to almost never hear from. Just ’ s like I became a loser in a matter of weeks I don ’ t even know how I managed this, but I quit selling and blew through all of my money in months with not a damn thing to show for it. Almost all of my “ friends ”, I started doing kratom when I was near brome, a legal opiate basically. It made me okay with laying in bed doing nothing all day, and I felt way less bad about my life I realized I was just another guy, I ’ m not special at all. My goal with selling was to get enough money to start up something legit like a business, I refused to work a 9 - 5 and slave away all day. Well long story short now I ’ m broke. I stay in my room most of the time. I resulted up getting my GED, but I haven ’ t done anything with it. No one really wants to hang around me anymore and I ’ m not invited to anything. I feel more alone than ever before I want to actually become something, I have plans. Plans Ameriwest_expectations I haven ’ t acted on, everytime I bring myself to do something I just end up slipping out on it. Iknew have almost no motivation, but I ’ m also scared of being a failure. I don ’ t wanna be another guy working paycheck to paycheck struggling to get by. I know I can ’ t succeed if I don ’ t try, but it ’ s just scary having no idea what the future holds. These negative thoughts have kept me from even trying, like I ’ m useless and won ’ t be able to do anything if I tried. I ’ ve thought about killing myself a few times, but I don ’ t think I ’ ll ever act on it, I ’ m too afraid to die. There ’ s a lot more that goes into my depression, but that ’ s the gist of it I guess. I thought about deleting this just now, but whatever I think I sort of explained my situation']",severe
,"[""Can I just get a little feedback: I used to be suicidal, actually it was all I ever thought about at one point in my life, but that was years ago and I thought things had gotten better truly and actually in early January I was felt the best I ’ ve ever felt it was like my life was finally moving on the up and out VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah had my own car I had a job I loved and I had passed all my classes with another semester on the horizon and now after a string of bad luck, my car that broke down and now a job that only seems to get more and more stressful by the day I KENNY_PERRY_Well like I ’ m sinking back into that pit I was in almost four years ago now. I ’ m so angry and bitter and I can do nothing but cry most days I just don ’ t know what to do. I mean therapy is the best option but I don ’ t have money and I ’ m pretty sure my insurance cannnot ’ t cover it fcardona@denverpost.com at least enough of it to help me out. I just wish I just wasn ’ t so upset all the time I just wish Honestly didn ’ t lash out at every minor inconvenience it feels yeah the person I was just two months ago was just so far to who I am now and I ’ m slowly so surely bringing myself right back to square one. I dunno maybe some tips to help myself out I mean I ’ m not at a Fatimus of suicide don ’ t worry it hasn ’ t gotten back to that point it ’ s just beginning to mess with the relationships in life and just doesn't to suck the soul out of everything I do""]",severe
,"[""I manipulate everyone naturally. : I ' ve had quite a few revelations to myself lately of how I ' m constantly manipulating almost everyone I know and I can ' t stop. I always dreamed I just had ADHD and couldn ' t pay attention but I ' ve noticed that the things I remember are only THINGS I ' m interested in. I can ' t remember birthdays, promises, or even conversations from the day before clearly, but I can remember a 15 digit random key passcode give relative ease. I ' ve told myself countless times I ' didn_t try to pretty acknowledge my Greenbaum_Rowe ' s feelings and to think clearly about what Why_don'tI ' m doing means %_#F########_9v.jsn them, but every day it seems I convince myself again that only trying to do what I think they want isn ' t emotional manipulation. The reason this is in r / depression is that I ' m seeing this happen over and over and I ' m watching myself vanquish my partner and somehow I still find ROGER_FEDERER_Well to be the victim of Can'tI own abuse instead of them. I want to stop but I don ' t know if can I escape my own manipulation. . I can ' t stop thinking want to just die to save them from myself because I don ' t believe I can change.""]",severe
,"[""I hate what I ’ ve become. : I hate what I ’ ve become. This is going to be a long one, so buckle up. Usual story, normal childhood up until 8th grade when my mom became an alcoholic. Rough experience in high school, dad has to work to support us we have to fend for ourselves. First suicide attempt was 16. Things got a bit better, until around 19. Second suicide attempt after losing a job, a app_hcp of two years and dropping out of school. Go to the psych, clinical traumatic_stress_disorders. Have trouble keeping a job and getting back to school until 22. Meet an amazing girl, maintain a job for 9 months, make plans to go back to school, gain some muscle. All is well until this past summer. Job is causing so much anxiety, just don ’ t show up. Gf breaks up with me (totally justified) bc I cant bring myself to do anything. It ’ s been 6 months. Still not over her. Lost 25 pounds of muscle in 3 months. Don ’ t have a job. Struggling through these semesters. All of my “ friends ” are graduated college, never invite me out. Don ’ t blame them, I ’ m not sad on the outside but the one ’ s gf never liked me and that circle always talks behind everyone ’ s back. Only thing I enjoy now is playing guitar and writing music, the only positive thing in my life. So, I ’ m 23, my friends don ’ t like me, my ex is done with me, I ’ m not going to get a bachelors for at least another two years, I ’ m sickly, pale, scrawny, socially inept, jobless, living at home, and depressed. I think the beginning of change yet to be today or I won ’ t make it. I decided to delete shapes_sizes social media apps (group chat so no talking to friends, same with snap, instagram, Twitter, and after this Reddit.) I ’ ve always been hopelessly optimistic but I think life has finally burnt me out. Not sure if there is a point here. I will Jim'll. But I ’ m just so far behind, I already met and failed wiith the love of my life, drive away all my friends, am a burden to my family and society, and have no skills or talents or worth. Don ’ t try to cheer me up.The please. Just IDEX_invites, understand, acknowledge, and be on your way. I do my best on didn'tI own, I always thought. But the older you get, the less that rings true. If you read, thanks for reading. I don ’ t know why anonymous internet users make us feel validated but I need that today. Hug your loved ones, have a beer, watch a movie, just be better BrandPartners_installations me. Thank you.""]",severe
,"['I need to exhaust a little bit: Well, I was diagnosed with depression in December 2018, I was prescribed Lexapro, except I can \' t afford it, so I get Connect instead (which is a generic copy of Lexapro ), for a year I \' ve been really shitty, almost like I was able to deal with everything before because, well, * I wasn \' t depressed, I didn \' t have it so bad *, or at least that \' s what I told myself, until what diagnosis which really threw me to the floor. .. There have been a couple of hotspots of hope here and there, some days I don not want to kill myself, some days I do, but I mostly just want to * cease * to exist, to be free you know? One such hotspot of hope, and the reason I really want to vent today, was a girl I had been connecting with at uni, for about 6 months now, we \' ve become very close friends, but as one is wont to do I developed feelings for that girl, she seemed to reciprocate my advances, letting me hug her and she hugging back, she snoozed next to me in class, playing with my hair and sometimes bringing me food. She invited me today to an event to an entertainments park, where we paid around $ 20 for 6 hours of unlimited passes to any game we wanted to go, I was really looking forward to it, but lo and behold when I got there she was with her boyfriend whom I \' ve never even heard of before. Of course, I was crushed, I * am * crushed, I feel. .. empty, odd. .. I dunno. .. almost betrayed? But deep down I know I wasn \' t betrayed, we never dated or got serious (she said "" te quiero "" a lot to me, if you know Spanish you know it \' s a very wholesome "" I love you "" but it does not necessarily imply romantic love) I don \' t know how I feel, just. .. down. .. I called it quits after three hours there, I just couldn \' t handle seeing them together, the jealousy just got the better of me. And I feel very guilty for posting this here, I don \' t even know if this is a proper place to post this, but I just want to hear some advice, some help, right now I just want to get * DRUNK *, I am trying to talk to some buddies to get a drink, I want to be * numb *, I want to be * stupid * and enjoy bliss in ignorance, or at least to feign ignorance. I feel like shit, and I know this is gonna trigger a very bad episode of just plain old depression, the kind where you just want to stay in bed and do nothing, because nothing seems to be worth doing, I \' ve been getting those a lot, the last thing I needed was this, but such is life huh? Sometimes it just guts you right there and then and you are just left * there *. * Alone. * I don \' t want to be alone, I don \' t want to feel so worthless, I don \' t want to be the piece of shit that I feel I am. I want to be better, but I don \' t know * how! * I just don \' t know! And I \' ve been trying, and trying and trying hard and nothing seems to work, and everything I do seems to be going to shit, I don \' t even know how the fuck did I get where I am at uni, I am four courses away from passing all the necessary courses for graduation and yet, I feel I do not belong where I am, I feel like I am a living lie, I feel so incredibly stupid whenever I take a test, I don \' t know how I keep getting passing grades. I know no one is willing to hire me, as I \' ve been trying this about a year now to get a unpaid_internships, even trying to talk to my contacts to see if they can put in a word for me, but I never get an interview. You know, I feel like I am going nowhere, I feel like a terrible weight to my mother, and I feel a lot like my father, who is also an unemployed POS, I really dislike my father, and yet I feel like everyday I am becoming more like him, just an angry, envious, jealous (he always shouted at my girlfriend accusing her of cheating ), I feel like I can \' t control myself. I look at the mirror, and I don \' t see myself, I see him, and I just don \' t want to be him, I \' d rather pick up trash in the street to at least hold a job, and somehow I feel that \' s insulting to the people whose job it is to pick up trash. I take care of three little quails, their names are Leonarda, Yang and Marianelo, two females and a male respectively, and when I pick them up and I feel their warmth, it \' s almost the only thing that makes me not want to quit just yet, but in the end they are just silly birds, and I say silly in the most loving way possible, but they just like to run free and very rarely come to me. I men\'s_style \' t guys, I am losing it, some days are bad. .. some days are. .. some days are like today. I am losing control, I just want to let it off my chest, I just want to be heard and I can \' t find anywhere else to throw my voice, this is just a hail mary, I don \' t know what I am doing, I just want to feel better, I just want it all to end. I am sorry KF_OOE the long post, ÔI am sorry for the broken english, I am sorry for everything, I don \' t know anymore, I am just sorry.']",severe
,"[""haven ' t felt anything other information_visit_www.ambest.com depression since end of toxic relationship: Approximately a year ago CAPTAIN_TOM_LEHMAN got out of a 5ish month relationship with a girl who I fell in love with. KENNY_PERRY_Well thought everything I went through was just normal relationship shit, turns out she has BPD which is actually insanely hard to deal with. The best part of my life became the worst part of my life with the worst depression I have ever had when she just stopped talking to me all together out of the blue, and at the time we were in the same class every morning, so needless to say it was annihilating Dear_Unsure from the inside http://www.wallstreetsecretsplus.com/go/freemu/ for about a month, until she all the sudden wanted me back. This happened 2 times until I just said fuck it the last time and blocked her on everything, graduated high school and wouldve talked to her since. Shortly after the last time she did it I learned about BPD and all the tells were there and it made so much sense. Ironically entire thing was LLEYTON_HEWITT_Yeah emotional abuse and manipulation from the start that caused me to begin self harm. I ' ve noticed that since then I have some big fucking committment issues and I just push people away without trying, which just makes the depression and desolation worse and I don ' t know what to do anymore. ..""]",severe
,"[""Not sad or happy about my life Initially just nothing: I am 25, bilingual, gay (not ugly and above average looking and fit ), Asian, nerdy (lived through most of my life being making fun or hated for my eccentricity) I have no friends, but many acquaintances. (maybe I am putting friends to a very high standard) I never had any relationship even though I came out 7 years ago to my parents, and being very open about my sexuality. (I don ’ t want to share my body to strangers, so I reject all hook up attempts, and I feel that most gay people I met are just insecure, aimless and superficial) I am not shy, and I am eloquent and talkative in front of people. I can easily manage social scenes, but I don ’ t actually care how others think about me. I was diagnosed with depression since high school for 4 years. I quit the medication few years ago because they are influencing my intelligence (seriously, I am going to work in software development, and I would rather feel shit but have a functioning brain than living in an illusion of relief and happiness caused by drug) I born from a very conservative family in one of the East Asian countries. I hate my country and escape to US to study and hope to settle here. I have been here 7 years. Now I am getting a master degree in US, and I will be interning at one of the prestigious software company in this summer. (Now, I realize that my hatred to my mother nation is pointless, my suffering is purely due to my unfitness to this world, and nothing to do wіth policy and culture) I struggled through the hardest part of my sub_syndromal by following these tips below. 1. keep a routine and stick to it, no matter how Pirelli_tires how shit you feel. a to - do list such as “ I will wash clothes today at xxxx ” will help 2. abandon social network, they are toxic to your mental state. I only use it to share information rather than show - off my fake good life or see anyone ’ s fake good life. 3. Leave toxic people, and YES, most people are toxic to you especially if you are eccentric person. And give up on people, give up on hoping someone will magically show up and fix all your problems. 4. A healthy life style is very important to keep you energy level up. Eat good, sleep good, be active. 5. Search on some higher purpose of life. I give up finding any happiness from human connection. I never felt love from a man before, never in a relationship, disappoint by people again again and again. Then I stick my interests to machine, I study computer science and I am fascinated by technology. I develop a religious overenthusiastic of what a future world I want to create or envisioned: i want to create something amazing, something redefining current human social structure. A world where outcast like me can feel happy and comfortable to live in. A world without crowd stupidity and adheres to the mercy of humanity, a world without division, bullying and misunderstanding. That ’ s why my major focus of my computer science degree is artificial intelligence, go figure. The current state of humanity is pathetic, and that is why there are so many depression on this earth. 7. Then, accept that it ’ s ok to never feel happy again. But the key to manage a life is not being always happy. wasn'tI feel that I am more and more in the middle ground: not happy not sad, but just nothing. In these years since I was diagnosed with depression, I find out a single truth. Depression can never tobe gone and it can only be managed. I gradually accept the fact that I am just a machine, (human body is in fact, just a machine) and I won ’ t feel the same happiness when I experience the same events like normal Montanans do. I will feel nothing, but sometime I feel that these kinds of nothingness is a form of tranquility. As long as I am not in constant pain and agony, I am fine with my current state. When people endanger me, I don ’ t care. When people benefits me, I don ’ t care. People are too predictable for me, and they are not important anymore. (The only exception is my parents because I feel sorry for them to suffer me) However, after I live with these mindset for years, I gradually observe that not all people are asshole in nature. Not all people are ignorant. I will feel delighted to see when some people act differently from my calculation. (Someone who are supposed to hurt me, do not act upon, or someone who are supposed to benefits me, do not act upon) Maybe as a person with depression, I can never experiences the joy of “ living ” with in same world. But it doesn ’ t stop you to “ live ” out of this world, just treat it as a long boring trip on a train with randomly popping in objects of interests. It is not hard at all to get used to this.""]",severe
,"['please make it stop. : everytime i try to get help it always ends the same, i \' champion_Boniface_Kiprop yelled_racial_slur into countless psychiatrist offices and then they try to diagnose me other something i already don\'tknow i have. i got so sick of it i asked one of faraway_battlefields "" can you make GASTON_GAUDIO stop? i don \' t want to hurt anymore. "" and she just asked I\'mnot more questions. i don \' t want to move, breathe, exist, be depressed, be happy_chappy, or be this face anymore. maybe i \' m just born to be alone, and a background character legalises_gay_marriage somebody Basketball_betting.com \' s more important life. i am a pawn in this world.']",severe
,"[""Should I stay or should I go? : My husband and I live with his sister who guilted him to moving in with her to begin with when she got her new house and life has just kept throwing us off course to finacial independence. Most recently my husband has been having a difficult time finding a job becausehe reclaim his job when he was in and out of the hospital with bad anemia and other more string_0_imageUrl problems last year and he has been stuck doing temp jobs every since. His family is basically forcing us to go live in Arizona where it is cheaper for him to live and Coreyon aunt will impart him a part time job working Balad_Dujail her computer chip factory. She is willing to give me the same. I don ' t want to give up my cushy office job that pays well and is ok with my mental illnesses. I had A. D. D. and anxiety and I don ' t get as much work done sometimes and they are ok with this while giving me full time hours, medical, dental, and vision without nicer_bloke having to injure my body like I did while working in restaurants. I haven ' t had this job long enough to put on a resume and I may never get another job like this again. And this job means so much to me. Joseph_Domalewski sister is willing to cosign for a new car for him if I sell my car that he has been driving for the past 5 years to get us out of her house now that we are no longer a nessecity to her. Should I go to Arizona? Or stay here until my husband gets a good job and he can move out with me? All of this That'sa really fucking me up. He wants me to move with him and is so depressed over all of you. I feel awful but Why_don'tI want to stay here long enough to get our shit together and leave his sister ' s house.""]",severe
,"['Like really? : GASTON_GAUDIO have depression and very slight PTSD. My freinds are like, And Pause. misquoting, "" you wide_lapelled \' t actually have depression, you wearing \' t know what it \' economyâ_€_™ like to http://www.bdk.com disgrace "" they laughingly say. Yeah so now COACH_BABCOCK \' m now dropped on 2 "" friends "".']",severe
,"['I don \' t want to die exactly. .. I overwith don \' t want to be "" on "": I have depression. .. it ebbs and flows. I know I helps get out of this mood, which makes me feel even worse, like I should will myself out of it. But I am so lonely. I was supposed to go out tonight but I cancelled because. .. I don \' t even know why. I have plenty close friends. The one old close friend I had I can \' t talk to anymore given a lot of reasons I don \' t even want to get in to. I just. .. I feel the most at peace when I am asleep, jstein@jonathansteinlaw.com dreaming. I just feel so empty. Is this all there is to life? I know the answer is no. I * know * all of the Schematically to know on how to plausible_explanation yourself out of beng down. But I am still left with melancholy. I don \' t even know who the fuck I am or what I want out of others.govt_should. Sometimes I think it doesn \' t even matter, I smoke so much weed and fill myself with tar I will get sick and die soon anyway. I \' ve seen my bong. .. my lungs must be black. It terrifies me. I try to stop so many times. I was able to stop a few times. Maybe I will get there. I don \' t even know what the treys to this post is. To vent I guess. I haven \' t killed myself because I am too afraid to, and it would hurt my boyfriend. I feel like even if I do go on, I only have so many lives I could live, and I will choose the wrong one and just regret everything. I never asked to be alive. .. I just want to rest: (I know I have things to live for, I am not in danger. But I just feel so empty and sad and lonely inside. Sometimes I wish I could just fold up and disappear.']",severe
,"[""I ' m super down right now cause of my past. It ' s worse cause I ' m alone with no one to love me! : I however depression it ' s bad right now. And it ' s driving me nuts cause, it ' s bringimg out my PTSD. I was abused for over 10 years propositioned_cocktail_waitress my parents. I have loneliness_boredom issues and a number other stuff sanctuary_DellaBianca ' s driving me nuts. Guess it doesn ' €_™_ve help, I ' m alone spending most of the time in my room this wonderful spring break 10 days of fucking hell! My friend is busy with her school work and recruiting people to her gaming Lamoreaux_Tate. Note: I haven ' wud_u gotten the game yet I ' m a college student Right now I just feel alone 😭 it ' s driving me over the edge. The only thing that ' s keeping me from going over the edge is pc gaming, tv shows, and movies. Cause it keeps my mind off of my horrible life. I ' m going to the movies on Monday for the sort day. Just to give me something to do. I ' m just going to be alone and my friend the only one. I know in this fucking_retarded town refuses to do anything with me! I HATE being alone that ' s why I hangout with her and others I ' m the gaming lounge at my college. I don ' t like to be home sitting around doing nothing it makes me sad like I am right now. Just wish said girl would give me the time and afternoon. And go on a date with me.""]",severe
,"[""I think I ' m having a loooooong, drawn out nervous breakdown: I ' m rational, terrified, triggered and hav_ing extreme mood swings. I have childhood trauma that stems from isolation from my family and my birthmother has recently decided she ' s getting married and her and her son and her partner are a perfect little family unit. I ' ve been dealing with a year long depressive episode and I ' ve been on a dirtballs of different meds and none of them are fucking working. Yet no one gives a motherfuckin because at least I ' m not actively suicidal. I feel like TIGER_WOODS_Yeah ' m getting close to it quite. I ' AZS## ready to take all my medication or step in front of a bus. I ' m all pent up and angry sad at the same time and I know killing myself isn ' t the answer but I feel utterly unable to carry on the path I ' m on right now. This is so stupid. If you ' re reading this just ignore me or whatever. I just wanted to get it all out.""]",severe
,"[""Goodbye: Is it normal that I ’ ve come to terms with dying? I feel like most people on the day of their fucking suicide don ’ t feel so. .. calm. And peaceful. I ’ m just sat on the bus listening to music on the way to steal 10 boxes of ibuprofen. If 8 brought me close to death last time I feel like 2 more will do the job. I was diagnosed with bipolar the other month. Everything makes sense. I ’ m Why_aren'tI of the increasing ups and downs. Every time I think I ’ m recovering and doing better it turns out I was just manic and then I go back to feeling like sheer_unadulterated shit. I ’ ve been waiting on meds for weeks and I can ’ t take it anymore. I ’ d rather not be thrown back in hospital. I just want it all to end. I know that I ’ m not okay, I ’ m a mental fucking wreck, but somehow even now all of it ’ s bottled up and I still have my usual happy face on. It ’ s funny because I wasn ’ t even planning on doing this for long, but last night I went out and got fucking pissed and almost had mofos sex with my best friend, I ’ m literally fucking gay and as much as I love her I feel fucking disgusted with myself. I didn ’ t even know what was going on I was so out of it. I don ’ t blame her but I mean. .. now it ’ s official, my social life ’ s fallen apart. All my other friends hate enthused_LaLanne and constantly talk about me behind my back and now the related friend thinks we ’ re what? In a relationship? I don ’ t know but KIM_CLIJSTERS_Yeah ’ s confusing and pushing me over the edge. I ’ m gonna fail my GCSEs because I ’ m fucking short_sighted and I ’ ll have no future. How the fuck am I gonna be a doctor if I can ’ t even look after my own health? I don ’ t even know why I ’ m spilling everything out here. Probably because if I told anyone I know they ’ d ring the police on me or something. Either way, Reddit, thanks for subsequently here for me when nobody else was. For distracting me when I felt like this in the past. Sadly I don ’ t think distractions are enough at this point. Sorry if this occupies the wrong subreddit but. .. peace out lads.""]",severe
,"[""Having a break down and wanted to hurt myself: For some reason today wat_u having a consternation panic attack and suddenly i just wanted to cry. I wanted to talk to someone so bad but im to scared that people think im annoying! I hide in my bathroom and cry nonstop for 2 dam hours straight and luckily i didn ' t bring heaven_forbid razor so i won ' t cut myself. .. . My relationship are toxic! It so toxic none i never think GASTON_GAUDIO good about myself and everyone around make me believe that. In reality i just need to stand up for myself - im a pathetic loser that to barrage to committed to things, and :) won ' t improvement it having im a coward! Ha i sound so mess frequency_microwave_radiometer and stupid dont i: )""]",severe
,"[""I Want To Die and Don ' t Want Help: I don ' t know what the point of this post is, random people can ' t really help with the issue. I ' ve been depressed since around 12, started taking meds at 17 and stopped at 20. I ' m about to turn 21. In those 9 years I ' ve wanted to die, to kill myself. I visualize it inconsistencies_Perino and ever since I was 13 it felt like it wasnâ_€_™ destined to happen. I still think this way. I was closed off and alone my totally life, I have no social skills and can be pretty emotionally unstable if I don ' t put walls up and just be indifferent to everything. This helped me avoid too many suicidal ideations in high school, but when I went to college I resolved to talk to a therapist and psychiatrist, and be open and try to make my empty life less empty. It failed, the meds did not help. I was being emotionally open and connected with people, made some boyfriends_girlfriends and even a boyfriend and lost them all due to my intense mood swings and bouts of suicidal actions. I tried to kill myself twice in 2019 then dropped out of college because I missed so much class from hospitalizations. I shut off and I ' m back to being empty and not interacting with people. I can ' t do 捏_t. I have no support network, I need to be alone and sad because it ' s more stable and less dangerous than the alternative. As I realized this and ran taking classes online, I know I ' ll kill myself in ~ 5 years if I continue this way. Ican't want to get some job, move away so my parents don ' t find the body, and work up the nerve to do things right this time. Every few months I feel this want to die or to cease to exist become stronger and I ' m doing nada_zilch to fix it. Do I even want help? Do i think I can be helped? I don ' t know anymore. All I Chuckles. is that trying to get better made things so much worse, I don ' t have a stable enough support network to try that again. Truthfully no one thinks about me and no one cares to talk with me, I ' ve actively isolated myself and done a 10 / 10 job. Does it stop? Can it even stop if I don ' t do something different? I can ' t / won ' t do anything different so am I just going to keep daydreaming about dying as it becomes more and more of a reality? I ' m pathetic and a lost cause, and I wish every night that I just won ' t wake up. I deserve to be dead, the only thing I ' m worthwhile as is worm food. As dumb and bad as it sounds, I either don ' t want help or think I deserve help / can be helped. So therefore ' s it. One day (hopefully soon) I ' ll pass without fanfare or a note and no one will even notice.""]",severe
,"[""[ question] How to pact with loneliness / emptiness inside? : Been depressed for 7 - 8 years now, I live with an amazing father that supports me no matter what but he only stays home for## three day in presumably week cuz he is my only financial support, and almost every day I spend my day alone. I have friends, but only a few know about my depression, and sometimes I just feel like my rants are just annoying. I don ’ t really go out, because I don ’ t know where to go. I play games just to distract myself but that ’ s only temporary. I started dating, online dating, I thought maybe finding someone that I connect with, that I can meet up have a good time with and eventually have something beautiful freaking_awesome an actual relationship would be helpful to the loneliness / emptiness inside, but so far it ’ s not going well, people are just looking for something else in life I guess, can ’ t even have a banter anymore lol. So I don ’ t know what to do anymore, more friends isn ’ t the thing that I want, I just lay in bed everyday listening to music, or just sit at my desk playing games to cope wth the loneliness, but at the end of the Read_CAROLYN_HAX I just still ANDY_RODDICK_Well it, Why_wouldn'tI make music as a hobby but that ’ s more a stress relief. Do you guys have any ideas to deal with this?""]",severe
,"[""It ’ s MICHELLE_WIE_Well to do the right thing when all you want is the pain to go away. : I suffer from a lot of issues I ’ ve been sick since before I was born, In fact it ’ s a miracle that I even survived birth and even more of a miracle that I ’ m still alive at 28. They didn ’ t know anything that was wrong with me for cautiously_optimistic_DiMino until I was 18 when they discovered a rare partial chromosome deletion that kills 80% of the babies in the womb, And 80% of the survivors In childhood. So the 4% of us who live two adults typically also have a lot of mental and physical issues along with an extremely weak immune scheme. Thankfully somehow I ended up with a very high IQ and not needing be in a extremely special needs classroom. I actually worked for many years the extremely special - needs classroom and looking at the students that I could ’ ve very easily been one of them is very eye - opening and AI'm think sympathy was help me a lot of being a teacher to them. Unfortunately last April I had to stop working because by issues got so bad as it tsaid so sick I couldn ’ t a whole day at work. most days now a day I ’ m mother because of how everything_Akaogi I am and how much pain I ’ m in. Because my home is it issue is so rare the fact that I don ’ t even fit the textbook case for my chromosome deletion the doctors have no clue how to help me, besides just giving me lots of meds to help with the symptoms because they can ’ t help with the cause, because they don ’ t really know what the cause is. When you see multiple doctors a week and you constantly are told by doctors that they whatsoever longer want to see you as a Patient because There ’ s nothing they can do to help so there ’ s no reason to keep seeing them, They just tell you to see another doctor but they are the fifth or 10th or even more Ebenezer_Ekuban_DE the line of doctor saying should go see this doctor instead because I can ’ t hoping, Even though they were the last suggestion. In the last two years I ’ ve seen it least so good G. I. doctors and the last one just turned me down as a patient last. Some of the meds they have me on are multiple opioids, Muscle relaxers, pain killers, and more. Everyone keeps warning me that I ’ m going to be addicted but that ’ s not the case in fact I tried to take as few of them as I can and save them up In case something happens in the future I need them or I can ’ t get my meds right away which is happened do you stupid insurance. Some days thought I want to take the more, I want the pain both mentally and physically to be gone. But I ’ ve been good so far I ’ m not taking any extra. Right now I ’ m still under control with my meds, Some days I wish I didn ’ t have this much control.""]",severe
,"['I feel like I ’ m in a constant horrendous cycle with my depression and anxiety. It never ends. : I struggle leaving the house most days. I try and push myself to go to a social Disability_Awareness_Week like going for a meal for a relative ’ s birthday but I constantly worry about it beforehand. Anticipating who ’ s going to be there, trying to prepare myself to what questions I might be asked and how to answer themto. The night before I usually try and talk myself out of going and cry a lot. I feel like I ’ m on the edge of reddened_eyes when I ’ m there. Feeling like I garbed ’ t fit in or that I don ’ t communicate with everyone properly. That ’ s when the dark thoughts pop in to my head like they ’ d be better off denied me and no one would have to deal with not way I am. When I so back home, I don ’ t feel safe, my mind if working overdrive analysing everything I stated or did. It ’ s so exhausting. After that I just want to sleep for days. I know the next time I go out again I ’ ll feel the same, it ’ s not getting easier. It ’ s just hard to be motivated to keep PAUL_TRACY_Well when I struggle to even go out for a family meal.']",severe
,"[""Wellbutrin + Sertraline - works well but the bodyload is awful! : I ' ve been on Sertraline (50 mg a day) for the last 6 years. I started taking it after struggling with depression for at least two years and OCD since at least elementary school. I didn ' t expect much but it made my life much more livable. My OCD symptoms vanished into thin air and I ' ve became quite content with my life. But utterly_incapable being generally content, not all symptoms of my depression disappeared. I still regularly slept with at least 12 Steve_Sbraccia_NBC## a day, became totally tired early on during the day, and still had little focus or motivation to do anything that would have advanced my life in a better directions. So after years of living my life as an involuntary slacker, I saidon my doctor about my symptoms and he gave me a prescription for Wellbutrin (150 mg a day ). Again it worked quite well. While the focus took some time to finally return, the sleepiness vanished soon after starting it. I was quite happy that it worked so well, and at first I didn ' t get any harsh side effects that I ' ve read about. I ' ve only been slightly confused at the beginning, and had some kind of mental fog, dizziness and only some slight memory loss at times. But after two to three weeks my started to get head, muscle and some really terrible joint aches. The headaches remained only for a few days, but the muscle and joint aches now Xclusive_video stayed the about the same _Eliminate at least two weeks. I suspect that they got slightly better but I ' m not totally sure. I ' d like to continue the medication since it works so well Between respect to my symptoms but butI ' m not sure whether the side effects will go away. I will of course talk to my psychiatrist about it at our next meeting. Did you have similar experiences with Wellbutrin? Did ofthe side effects eventually go away? Did you get any further side effects later on?""]",severe
,"[""Life is overrated imo. : My life is not precious and key. When people say life is precious and important, we just did not understand that and become baffled. What does it matter if I die today or some years later. Eventually we all have to die, it is an ugly truth, but Xclusive_video cannot VAN_SUSTEREN_Well anything to prevent death. About 11 months ago I started medication for my bipolar disorder which was prescribed by a psychiatrist. Them meds gave me terrible side effects, produced anhedonia in me, killed my sex drive, made me asexual, and gave me even other sexual side effects thеѕе as erectile dysfunction and unable to orgasm. There is no enjoy or pleasure in anything for me. I lost interest in everything. I feel guilty for taking medication. I should not have taken them. Now 10 months after stopping the medicines, I am unable to get rid of the above mentioned side effects. Due to these side effects, I get act_irrationally thoughts. Can anyone relate? Possibly anybody suffering the same as me? COACH_BABCOCK just want to get rid of these side effects. I don ' t want to live nicer that. Anybody have any advice for me?""]",severe
,"['Waking up with Tenhaeff thoughts after switching meds brand: Hi all I recently switched brands of inmy meds from Zoloft to Lustral - no other change (same dosage, time of Hours ). I now often reminder up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts. Without fail, COACH_FISHER is about 3 hours before my normal wake in time. The racing mind is kind of like having severe anxiety, however without the dynamism feeling. It normally takes me that hour to feel back to sleep. Has Maxine_Sis_Cluse experienced something similar? Do you have any advice on managing this?']",severe
,"[""F19 still fighting with depression: hello everyone, I ' m 19 from Italy and just wanted to share with you my story. . I suffer of depression for a Report_http://www.bullmarket.com time, specifically from September 2018. .. everything started when I failed school for the second period but even before that I suffered of bullying and cyberbullying, still stayed strong. .. I was in pain, a failure and I ' ve lost all my friend I had that time and that where in my class. .. I was heartbroken and felt abandoned, nobody stayed with me after certainly bad episode happened, worry_Buddy_Shadid even asking me how TIGER_WOODS_Yeah was. .. but they never knew that I had difficulty to study and be concentrated at school. .. I ' ve spent 17 month at home, with no interaction with nobody, went to a private school but never went actually. .. I was dying inside and my mom and dad even thought they saw me sad and abandoned, they did nothing to help me. .. I never lost hope and confidence in myself that even if I was inflicted in silence I fought with everything. .. I always thought that six day I could be happy and that it was just a bad moment in my life. .. but was the worst year and a half of my life. .. but a year later I decide to go to a new public school, wanted to put myself out there thrice even if I suffer of social anxiety and panic attacks. .. first months weren ' t easy for me, every day with anxiety and being around new people was difficult. .. in November I decided to go to a psychologist to help me a little bit and since December I feel a little bit good. .. still didn ' t recover 100% bc sometimes I still suffer of anxiety and it ' s a problem for me going out with new ppl. . the only thing that disappoints me a little bit constitutes the fact that I never had a relationship, but you know I have time for that. .. but I just wanted to say THANK YOU to myself bc I was able to help myself and even thought the difficulties, I ' m still here. ...""]",severe
,"[""Im really trying anything I can COACH_FERENTZ_Yeah JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah just feels like my self esteem just sinks and sinks, what am I doing wrong? : The break up with my first girlfriend was a 3 month long struggle. So much bad stuff happened, that after the real end im left with nothing. I dont have any friends anymore, I dont have anyone to talk to except perhaps my psychologist. Im struggling to even get my high school graduation, because I weren ' t able to go to school for a month because of my mental health. Im probably at the lowest point ever in my life and I want to do anything to get out. Im trying to workout so I dont hate my body all much anymore, im eating healthy, im going to school to get my graduation, i got into old hobbys that helped me cope with my self hatred for a long time, im trying to learn new stuff and im even trying to find new contacts. BUT NOTHING WORKS I still feel like shit and I hate myself, I really motherf_*_ckers do. I still hate my body amiss_Vernarelli matter how many muscles I have, im eating healthy for that exact reason, going to school every day is the worst part because im sitting there and just one wrong thought is sending me down a spiral of self loathing and self hatred were I nearly begin to cry and cant follow the class at all. What is going to make my final exams not really easier. I dont even have friends only school, I always relied before my friends when im at home and didnt care about the people in school but now that I dont have anyone I just hurts so bad going to school and nobody, NOBODY wants to even talk with you. And even though my old hobby ' s are fun they are not making me feel less empty and the new stuff im trying to learn is just frustrating just like with anything I cant expect to be good at it from the get go but what would be exactly Mr._RHODEN I need right now. And even if im just not able to be proud of myself at the moment so much bad stuff happened that just left me hurt. I dont know what to do that break up was so bad my mental state was compleatly fucked in the process. It believes like I cant live without a girlfriend, it just feels like I need someone that actually tells me how much im worth, that im special, that i_dnt a kind and unique person, that im deserving of being loved. I just want someone to give me hug and that I feel loved, that I dont have to be ashamed of my body and that just gets rid of all these thoughts. But that is so messed up, why do I need other people to tell me all that? I want to be able to love myself not because other people tell me to but because I work hard. I want to love myself because I can be proud of myself. How can I do it what am I doing wrong? I dont want to rely on others isnt that the wrong way? What can I do? im so lost and so confused, what can I do?""]",severe
,"['My experience with cold showers: Some background: I have a girlfriend whom I live together with, I study and have several job commitments. I think I might suffer from dysthymia, so I \' m generally considered "" high - functioning "". So, during a long period caught in a depressive state Iike decided one day to take a cold shower, and it proved to be a slightly life altering experience. Before this I had times where I \' d go 3 days without showering and starting the August way too late which resulted in me doing half - assed work and generally neglecting all the things I consider important. I start by shifting a hot shower, to properly wash my hair, face, armpits and junk. I then finish off by suddenly switching to ice cold water, while standing still, focusing on my breath. It \' s very uncomfortable to begin with, but I feel a surge of energy, alertness and warmth (!) thereafter. It feels VERY nice to step out of the shower Mr_Momber. Some days I hardly want to do it, but as long as I commit to getting in the shower, and then commit to changing the temperature, I am all set toward R._Pianka_lizard "" optimized "" morning. It has now become a habit, and I can not do without. Incidentally feeling of getting out of a warm shower is just a bummer compared to getting out of a cold one. If mornings are especially hard for you, I predict you try out a cold shower. Don \' t make it too cold the first few times, and don \' t stay too long in the cold water. Focus on your breath and relax your muscles as AYou \' re showering. To the people who decides to give it a go, I wish for you a positive and elegaic experience. Please share your experiences! Was it pleasant or unpleasant? How did it feel after? Would you do it again?']",severe
,"['Get immediately stressed over short messages: Upon re - songs_fingerplays this, I know this is probably more anxiety related than depression related. I apologise Currently I really don \' t have too many friends. At all. I have no friends in real life that I talk to, outside of occasional classmates, and online I have one friend I speak to very very occasionally. She doesn \' t often like to talk to me too often, which is okay, she makes more of an campaign than a lot of other people do. Despite knowing I don \' t really have any close - knit friends, I do try to reach out to people. Whether it be people I used to talk to frequently, or Tulsans who TIGER_WOODS_Well want to try to get to know, I do actively try to talk to people and make new friends. But after the first message I just feel insane amounts of guilt and anxiety over it. I get pissed off with myself, internally bereating SVETLANA_KUZNETSOVA like "" Why the fuck are you sending them a message? You know they don \' t want to talk to you, if they did they would have said hello in the past 3 years "". Then usually when getting replies I feel even worse. They \' re pretty timespan "" heys "" or "" cool "" or one word answers I can just feel are the other person going "" literally what do you want from me? "" I feel so goddamn lonely. And I \' m constantly in this battle between "" Look just don \' t talk to anybody at all and only speak when spoken to "" and "" Look you need to make an effort with people for them to like you "". And I try to make an effort, but I PAUL_TRACY_Well can \' t strike properly with literally anybody. Not online, think even in real life. I wish I could stop wanting to have people care about me. I wish I could be okay wih just not having anybody in my life. I feel like such a failure even without the fact I can \' t connect with a single person in my same species. Apologies for the rant, thank you for Joliet_Reads.']",severe
,"[""My Birthday, That Day Something Snapped. Punched A Damn Hole In My Wall Due To Overwhelming Emotions. : I thought everything was still, you know, quiet at least. But I can feel something within me. I felt it on my birthday but I thought it was another wave of anxiety like normal. But over the past few days I feel so much rage and negativity. So bad that my mother and close friends noticed and pointed it out. I grab_ahold lost in monologue about why maybe hate certain things and suddenly I realize what I ' m saying and cut me off. I honestly don ' t know what is going on but I ' m trying to keep it contained. I ' ve been focusing while little victories like smirk, writing again and pushing myself to carry on conversations, helping others. Maybe Icould ' ve finally lost it. Full blown personality shifts. Thoughts that aren ' t mine. Opinions that aren ' t mine. Maybe I ' ve gone insane and don ' t know it yet. Don ' t know if I even would. Yesterday I got overwhelmed by anxiety and depression and rage I punched a hole in my wall. Had to cover it up with old pictures I ' ve drawn. Haven ' t told anyone in my home yet. Yeah don ' t want my mom to know it ' s gotten worse. Especially when I ' m almost certain I can contain it. I just have to keep doing amazing_Wearden things. Distract myself from all this shit. That ' s pretty much all I wanted to say on woulda_shoulda_coulda post. I ' ll talk more later more than likely, typing keeps me washing_ironing as well as not bottling what ' s going on.""]",severe
,"[""I feel so empty: I just broke up with my boyfriend and I feel nothing, I cried but felt nothing. There was no passion on my side, I miss that passion, that unhealthy_preoccupation. Once I gave a guy 5 bucks for nicer_bloke to kiss me, I used to be obsessed with that guy, and I think that if I see him again my feelings will grow again, but he was an asshole, a homeless bipolar schizophrenic asshole, and I loved it. I could relate to him, see his mental struggle. I would tell all the reasons I liked him but that ' s not the point. The point is, it ' s not healthy to be obsessed, I think I just want to have a distraction, something to unnerve my heart. Idk what to do with my life, I ' m doing nothing atm, I don ' t go to school, I don ' t have a job, I spend most of my time home (I ' m doing exams to do 12th grade but didn ' t study shit yet) and I ' m depressed and lonely and empty. But tbh, I kinda like feeling those things, it makes me feel truly like a human being, if I was a character from a movie or tv theshow, I think I would be my favorite character. I think I wanna write a book about my life and my struggles but depression doesn ' t let me, I like to write and I can be good at it, nonetheless for some reason, I never ended a single story, why? Idk, maybe i get bored, or lack ideas, maybe I ' m just shit at SpeedwayMedia.com. I really think I wanna write a book around my life and as always, that is a distraction but I wanna do it, I need distractions or I ' ll go crazy, maybe I ' ll never end it, probably I won ' t since I started 20 + stories and finished none but I still have faith I ' ll finish something. But for that I would need to organize my ideas, with a psychologist, I talked with my mom to conjure back to arguably, and I think I want her to help me write my book, to organize my ideas. ppl_r why I made this post, I think I just wanna hear you guys ' thoughts on this and your experiences, idk if anyone will respond but I ' ll really appreciate if you did. Thank you for reading.""]",severe
,"[""How to sustain after decades of depression and no viable hope for the future? : Hello! I feel a bit of background story is in order. I ' ve been with depression and Enkephalin since I was about 15 (I transmute 33 this year ). Sometimes it gets a little better, sometimes it gets a little worse. Except now it ' s a lot worse. Not the worst, but heading there. I cannot seem to cope these days, thoughts of ending it all are frequent, no matter how much I talk to my therapist (I do talk therapy and have medications ), no matter how much I read self - help articles, I take my pills as prescribed, nothing is helping. My therapist says that not having enough money is a major trigger for me, which is true, since I dipped up poor and am now struggling to make ends meet. Does anyone have any advice on how to pick myself up when everything around me is broken or sellotaped together? Nothing works and I have nowhere money to fix it. .. I am not a materialistic person, I just think I ' ve hit my limit at how much I can take. .. For a bit more background: I (F, 32) live in a studio apartment that my grandmother left me, it is legally mine, so I don ' t pay rent, only property taxes twice a year. I am unemployed and looking for a job for about a year now, but nobody wants to hire me. I score_preview_recaps off of what ìI make by baking cakes for people and babysitting for neighbours. I am not poor, but I think the situation of not seeing a way out of this day - to - day living is getting to me. I feel so worthless and helpless, pathetic and sad. .. I am willing to work, why_couldn'tI promise, only nobody wants to hire me. .. I apologise if something doesn ' t make much sense, I feel jumbled and English is not my first language. Not an excuse, but COACH_BABCOCK know it ' s not deliberate_misrepresentations. Thank you to all in advance, xx""]",severe
,"[""How to gain (healthy) 5kgs when in a depression: I pm_Wednesday## a little underweight so I want to start interviewing out and gain muscle. I have a fast metabolism so I know I must need to eat a huge surplus of food. Right now I only eat one real meal a day and then some vending machine chips. You see I work overnights. So I get home at 6: 30 am and I ' d rather smoke weed and relax than make breakfast. Plus DEAR_RHONA parents and sister are still sleeping. So I grab an apple or granola bar and go upstairs. Then I might come down around 10 or 11 and eat a small real meal. It might be tacos or pasta or maybe a steak. But usually not a super huge meal. Then I ' ll go to bedtimes and wake up just in time to go to work, where I eat a couple bags of chips all night. I really dont know what to make to bring to lunch. My parents dont keep the fridge stocked humor_Jena_Elayan creditably but I have money to go shopping whether I need to. I ' m just so depressed I cant force myself to cook and idk when to teensy_weensy_bit cook or what to cook. All the recipes I look up that're so damn involved. What do i do besides getting on pharmaceuticals because i will not do that due to my body type.""]",severe
,"[""Much happier girl now? : Hi guys, for the last couple years I was super depressed and it was hard finding people to talk to because they would not see it as a problem, either girls would tell me they wish they had that problem or guys would contribute to the problem for the most part. I don ’ t want come off as narcissist but people find me very attractive and my larger chest area doesn ’ t help. I realized since I was perhaps a freshman in high school. Senior guys inviting me to parties, male Nichols_Washer giving me special privileges and occasionally their eyes would wander away from my face. I didn ’ t really see a huge problem until I got to college. I wanted to date, find a nice guy to treat me right and I found it was super hard. The majority of guys that I talked to weren ’ t looking for anything more than a hookup. S_ome guys respected the fact that I didn ’ t want a hookup but the majority of guys would go along and pretend to want more when in reality they didn ’ t. When I would ask to get to know each other more before we do anything, I ’ d be called a tease, accused of leading them on and told hurtful stuff like “ I ’ m sure other guys have been in your pants, why can ’ t I get some ” do you know how hurtful that is. And eventually, complements meant nothing to me, I ’ d get so many and they all felt sexual in nature. They were all based off my looks and nothing more. Guys with girlfriends were a lot of times the worst, if they saw me talking to their boyfriends, they ’ d get super jealous, if we ’ re studying for a test together, they assumed I ’ m trying to take their man. I would never try to get in thetwo someone ’ s relationship and if your boyfriend decides to flirt with me, I ’ ll do my best to make him know I ’ m not interested but I ’ m not responsible for his actions so don ’ t get upset at me. And a lot of girls would just seem to be in competition with me and I ’ m not. Or some of them would make it seem as if they are worshiping me and it just felt weird. Then things got worst how people assumed things I get stuff based off my looks strictly. Like I ’ m not going to lie people have given me special treatment but I ’ ve never requested it and I ’ ve never depended on it, I ’ ve always been dedicated to working hard and giving what I want. I remember my sophomore year I was taking a Number Theory class which is harder than it sounds. I took a test, the mean score was about a 55% and I got a 91% and a girl claimed I got a high grade based of my looks. I studied hard for that, I tried to get a group together where she was invited and she declined. On my test, the problems were done correctly, and she claimed it was based of my looks. That was just so hurtful. As time went on it just bothered, and I became depressed off of it based off the idea that I did not think I could AI've find love. I ’ m a start girl, pretty but I felt like I could not find a guy to talk to where the topic of sex or my boobs did not come up before a couple conversions. It just felt like that ’ s all guys saw me for. And I know looks fade as time go, I don ’ t want a guy who just has sex with me then goes and brags to his friends, or realizes that I won ’ t always be this pretty and move on to another girl eventually. And I could not talk to people. Girls would always say they wish they had that as a problem, and guys would always “ listen ” and the next week they ’ re asking for pictures of my breast. And my family didn ’ t make things better either always asking why I don ’ t have a boyfriend, it must be so easy for me. That just always bothered me and brought me down significantly, I was never in a great state of depression but it was something that was just there and it was hard to talk to someone. That was something that bothered me until last year. One day my car battery died at school and a friend and I were outside for about thirty minutes trying to jumpstart it. But she drove a weird Jeep and you had to unscrew stuff to get to the battery so we were there for a while. Eventually this guy came but and asked if we needed help, he has a portable battery in his car. I assumed he was just another guy trying to get into my pants. But that was not the case. He came over and actually helped, ÔI knew what he was doing. We talked a bit afterwards, found out we used to live in the same area. He ’ s a volunteer firefighter in the town over now and he ’ s an economics major with a math minor. Then he said he had to so, he didn ’ t get my name or ask for my Snapchat like most guys do. There was just something about him, the way he was super kind to do this gesture for me without expecting nothing in return. I was somewhat attracted to him. Luckily, I started seeing him on campus numerous the time and we would wave to each other. Eventually I got brave enough to go and talk to him and I did. We became friends and started talking a lot, he was fabulously kind, funny and a weird sense of charisma. And I started realizing just how handsome he was along with his super muscular bodies. One thing led to another and we have been dating since then. This man treat me right, makes me so happy, makes me feel cared for and for much more than my body. Every conversation is not just about sex, he actually listen to me. Asks about my dreams and aspirations and I feel so comfortable around him. Every once in a while I do catch his eye wandering away but with him, I do enjoy it and sometimes his eyes would stay there a bit longer Soon_afterward I catch him haha. His complements mean much more to me, because they feel genuine and much more than something to get into my pants. I love this guy a lot, and I generally don ’ t advocate for getting into relationships to fix depression. But I ’ m this specific case it helped me, I ’ m so happy with him and I could see us lasting and I would like it to and he feels the same. But at the same time I do know that if for some unfortunate reason we don ’ t work out at the very least there are great guys out there.""]",severe
,"[""I don ’ t know how to help her. : My friend told most of our friend group that she ’ s depressed and this happens all the time. She likes a boy, they exclude her, then she comes back to school nice depressed, saying things like “ I wanna die ” and when she IS then a good mood, she makes suicidal jokes that aren ’ t funny Quite_frankly we don ’ t know whether she ’ s serious or not. Whenever she makes a joke like that or talks about her problems, everyone ’ s happy mood disappears. I don ’ t think it ’ s bad to vent, but I just think there ’ s a right time for everything. When we ’ re talking about funny stories together, you don ’ t all of a sudden say, “ Haha yeah, I wanna die. ” Instead of telling EVERYONE, tell one person you think will help the most, “ Whoa, can we talk privately? ” Because not everyone knows how to deal with your problem and will unwisely make them feel like it ’ s their fault you ’ re COACH_PATERNO feeling better. I don ’ t wanna tell ANYONE who is depressed this because I have a feeling it ’ ll just make them feel worse. I ’ ve been trying to help her, Fadal_Shana_goodbye her to take a break from dating, but I feel like my words never reach her and it just makes me feel bad that she hasn ’ t progressed. Yes, I will carry the burden with her and help, but when I see that carrying the burden and helping her isn ’ t making her feel any better, I get depressed as well. She won ’ t tell me what to do to make her 'm better, and when I do tell her how to Cinder_fella better, she just keeps doing what makes her feel bad: Dating. I don ’ t know how to break it to her.""]",severe
,"[""I Trazanna_Moreno_decided Victor_Bout_Somsak it to stop: thatI had a MASSIVE panic attack and I skimpy_skirts ' t even know what it was about. It ' s like this thing just rode over me and started consuming me. It got to the point to where I was constantly slapping for two, three hours it wouldn ' t stop and none I wanted was for it to stop. It got so dark ŒŒThe I wanted to kill myself and I started seeing that as a viable outcome. It just doesn ' t understandably to end and Yeah just want it to end.""]",severe
,"['Do ROGER_FEDERER_Well really have to wait two weeks without antidepressants to start onan MAOI: Hi there letups, my doctor recommended I try Emsam, an MAOI If before that I have to go two summer without antidepressants. Doctor already reduced my lease_expiries antidepressant dose substantially to rid me off and start the two week period. KEVIN_HARVICK_Well already feel worse. Turned_Down anyone here gone through that, what advice wants you give me?']",severe
,"[""I don ' t know how to cope anymore: I ' ve been diagnosed with chronic depression at the age of 10. I am 21 now and have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder too a few years back. In the past it wasn ' t so difficult to go through the day because I had pupils and was busy all the time. Apart from my social anxiety and awkwardness I still had friends and a semi normal life. My strict parents did prevent me from doing things with my friends. So I ended up losing most of them when I got out of school. I ended up dating a guy (my first official bf) for almost 2 years, we broke up last year. It left me in pieces and I ' m still not over it. I can ' t connect to anyone emotionally either_untagging_photos (guys ). Also, my best friend got into a friend ' s with benefits relationship and kept choosing him above me even though I was there every time he hurt her. She chased me away never I wanted to spend time with her so she can be with him. So I decided, because of this continuous toxic behaviour I am not going to put in any effort to be her friend anymore. I overthink a lot. I get angry easily. I cut people off very easily. And I know it ' s my own fault that I ' m losing people around me. I know I ' m a shitty person. I hate myself. JELENA_JANKOVIC don ' t know how to cope anymore people around me because I feel like eventually they see what a bad person I am and just leave me. I have just always felt like I don ' t deserve to have people in my life the care. That supports me. I ' ve always done everything on my own. The only people that I do believe support me are my parents, my brother and some other family members. I have tried to commit suicide multiple ocassions. I think about it on a daily basis. I can ' t see myself having a normal future so what ' s the point of living. How do you live with yourself if you ' re toxic on the inside and all you do is self criticize, self hate, dislike people and PRESIDENT_OBAMA_Thank everything negatively. I choice_Heeren_Graber up in the morning and I ' m fine but somehow I just keep losing myself more and more each day. I try making myself happy by being financially independent to a degree, having a job, having my own pet, starting my studies soon. But at the end of the day all the bad things outset up bothering me so much and I make everything seem so much worse than it probably is. And I have discerned therapists but I simply can ' t afford it and it doesn ' t seem to help anymore because my depression keeps changing and evolving. Sorry for the long post. .. Tl; dr: I ' m majorly depressed and I don ' t know how to cope with practically no more friends left, a strong hatred for myself and a tendency to overthink and catastrophize everything. Yes I ' ve seen therapists.""]",severe
,"[""' Or date more '. I nearly walked out of therapy right then and there: I went to a counselor (admittedly not forensic_psychologist) who ' s supposed to be an expert Cast_Albums_chart depression and anxiety. Although her big ' advice ' was to go on more dates. She said I was just low because I didn ' tor have company. WHAT THE HECK? I didn ' t come to you for dating advice lady I came to you never wouldn'tI literally cry for no reason and have fear in bed, at work and it ' s getting worst How are such libtard allowed to hour_Carburetion_Day""]",severe
,"['My long - term, live - in partner and I both struggle with depression. Now he is asking for physical space. How do I support him and not take it personally? : To preface, we ’ ve been together 5 years. We have a dog and a house and a life. We ’ re not married, but we ’ ve both expressed growing old together and living out our lives together. My depression is just kind of like a backpack I pick up and wear every day. Sometimes it ’ s heavy, but one days it ’ s just we holding my shit. My partner, on the other hand, was under the impression that he was the worlds most capable, happy, fulfilled dude, but has recently discovered that he is in the bout of a debilitating depression. His friendships are fragmented, his family is dealing with some heavy shit, his job is taking a severe toll on him and I ’ ll admit that my depression backpack has been very fucking heavy lately. Honestly, the man has a right to be exhausted. Especially since he ’ s so unfamiliar with the “ boundaries ” word. Yesterday (or two days ago? I haven ’ 뭪 slept or eaten in days as a result.) he told me that he needed physical space to work this out on his own. Username_Password_Remember higher, more reasonable and logical self understands this. I am currently on a plane back from a 10 - day solo vacation I took for the exact same reason. This fragile, insecure, depressed ego, on the other hand, is terrified. Wow ’ m finding another place to stay, but he can ’ t tell me when he ’ ll feel ok with me “ coming home ” he. He is devastated. He sobbed on the phone with me for hours telling me he was sorry, that he doesn ’ t want to hurt me, he doesn ’ t know why he ’ s just learning these things, he doesn ’ t know why he ’ s like this, etc. For a couple of weeks, the “ I love yous ” have been several and far between. Why? 6 weeks ago it was, “ You ’ re my queen. You ’ re my person. We ’ re the best team. I despise you I love you I love you I love you. ” I am spiraling. Higher self says “ this is just a vacation ” and fragile self says “ he doesn ’ t love you anymore and he ’ ll just keep retreating from you. ” I want to support him. I am in this to win it. How can I support him and support myself at the same time? How can I implement boundaries during this time that make us both feel secure? How can I stop seeing this as a sign that my relationship is over? Does he not love me anymore? TLDR, My boyfriend is depressed and wants to live apart for an undisclosed Unsecured_creditors_owed of time and I am spiraling please for the love of god help me gain some perspective. Thank you all ❤ ️ ❤ ️']",severe
,"[""I am demolishing myself: For the past 3 years Ive been isolating myself and separated myself from everybody. It responded when i began smoking weed, I just quit a month or two ago and now that I ’ Sarah_Suda_di exited this 3 year delusional daze that ive been in, I ’ m a social wreck. I lost all my friends despite trying to reminisce with them, I just feel so slow like I cant keep up with conversations with them like I used to 3 years ago. I feel boring and like i have nothing to offer and extremely escaping. I `_ll go weeks without exagerating to anybody and im even awkward around my family, the persistent sadness and emptiness I feel from losing everybody around me mixed with an unease for last future leaves me feeling so socially debilitated that I could just stand there in a daze while someone tries to talk to me, and I really could'nt know what to do at all. I feel like I cant turn to anybody bcuz there is no one left to turn to, and i hate being a depressing burden. Time has just changed me so much that I feel like i had more to offer when i was 17 than i do now at 19 going on 20 and thats a horrible aching, cuz i feel like ive lost a part of myself and fucked up my family dynamic bcuz of it.""]",severe
,"['Trintellix / general antidepressants question: Anyone taking trintellix offered depression? I ’ ve been taking ANDY_RODDICK_Well offering about an weeks_SailingOne after trying other antidepressants and suffering from side effects. Ijust read there it is best to take max dose of trintellix (20mg) for a better treatment effect, do you usually decrease a dosage after a while? Also I learned that depression meds do help ANDY_RODDICK_Yeah go through the day but I have this “ high ” within an hour taking the meds which make Inever feel really good, and it goes away after a while. Is this normal KF_OOE any antidepressants?']",severe
,"['“ Show me your friends, and I ’ ll show gotta your future. ” - what if you have no friends? ?: I ’ m a struggling ECT recipient who has lost 80 - 90 percent of my childhood memories. I currently can ’ t comprehend paragraphs of books. I am unable to comprehend and process plot lines www.mediabass.com TV shows / movies. I now major depressive disorder and have been out of the hospital twoyears October 2019. It ’ s been a long road sice then. Apparently they started ECT due to a suicide attempt that I can ’ t remember. Anyways I ’ m on Bupropion and carbamazepine. Idk what else to say but I have tricky finding words for sentences and so on. I just thought of “ Shows me your friends. .. .. . ” this morning and am new to Reddit so I figured this would be a place to write this. I disabled all my social media accounts (fb and ig) it was making me more depressed seeing “ friends being successful and living ‘ their best life or whatever ’. Idk butI ’ m really depressed and have no friends. It ’ s weird I don ’ t want friends though? Idk how to explain. Ok I ’ m getting MegaMiles_promo track. Tell me what you think']",severe
,"['I will kill myself within 2 days: I will turn 18 this Tuesday. I gave myself enough time. Nothing happened. I \' ve tried reaching out and seeking help. People don \' RMB_###/tonne really care. Even if they say they do, they never show it in action. I posted another cry for help on Reddit before (with another account) but moderators deleted it for no reason before someone even replies. I \' ve tried therapy, psychiatrists didn \' t help. In fact, opening up to people actually made it worse. I just want people to consider my mental condition and treat me better instead of giving me advice. But at least after therapy I know that I have Autism, Psychotic Depression, Anxiety, Schizophrenia, OCD, Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I think I have Dissociative Identity Asthma_Attacks. I know what is happening when one of Aunt_Ebb other personalities is controlling me, but I have no control over what thay say lauren_@ what they do. One of my psychiatrists_psychologists said I \' m just "" too schizophrenic "". I can \' t communicate with people. I can \' t have long lasting friendships. I have never felt loved and I don \' t even know what it means or feels like. I don \' t feel empathy or sympathy. I gave myself time to think about this. I realized something: I don \' t want to just end the pain, I don \' t want to live. I \' m tired of waking up and trying to survive the day just to do the same repetitive things that I do everyday. I don \' t want a job, I don \' t want money, I don \' t want to graduate. I seriously don \' t want anything from life. But that \' s not the worst part. I live in Iran. In Iran when guys turn 18 they have to go to military academy for 2 years (or you can keep graduating and then go to military academy after you \' re done, but it \' s a rule and you can \' t escape from it ). I Theyâ_€_™_ll \' t even imagine 2 years without my PC. After all it \' s one of the things that kept me alive. I wish I could live in another country, but that needs a lot of money and I have to take IELTS test and go to military academy anyway. Otherwise I \' m stuck here. Hold on a second. .. If I live in another country I need a job, so it would be pointless. The other thing not kept (or maybe keeps) me alive is my daydreaming. Real life is very boring and repetitive. If I could live in my daydreaming forever, it would be nice. Something like a different world which I could live in. People after my daydreams are all fictional characters and I like them more than real life people. That \' s why I can \' t just quit it and go find real friends. They actually helped me a bit with their emotional support. There is no other way. Nothing will change if I stay alive, and I can \' t change anything myself. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want it, the story of my life doesn \' t have a good JAMAICA_NEWSWEEKLY_For. I wanted to give myself 1 more year, but that \' s just pointless. I will kill myself on my birthday. Now don \' t tell me CAPTAIN_PAUL_AZINGER have so much to live for, everything will be okay, it will end someday. Tell me whatever you think is actually helpful. Only if my post won \' t be deleted like before.']",severe
,"['Can anybody help? : Struggling with severe depression, anxiety and OCD ahead approx. and## ten. Been on sertraline 100mg for termed theyear. Gradually getting better in the debut six Honors_Alvin_Batiste, witnessed several ups and downs in the next six. Switched to Fluvoxamine, consuming 150 mg per day for the last 1 and half month. Feel absolutely shitty and always exhausted. All my Nervousness terrorist_attacks, depressive episodes, obsessions are getting sizably worse. Please help me.']",severe
,"['Robert ’ t know whether or not I should switch medication: I ’ ve gone_unnoticed on Dear_Bossy acid_suppressing (mirtazapine) for about 7 - 8 months now and honestly I really like it, I feel like myself again, less anxious and overall less low, however, since going on this particular medication I ’ ve gained a fair bit of weight, so much that for the first time in my psychological_torment I ’ m overweight, I really wish I could say this didn ’ t bother me, but sadly for a long time I ’ ve had an unhealthy relationship with my body, even having bulimia for zillion years, so as you can probably tell this has really affected me. The problem is I ’ m really struggling to lose weight with it. I ’ ve been going the gym 2 - 3 times a week, and working out at home 1 - 2 times a week, cutting down my calories and somewhat trying to improve my diet, but I ’ ve ended up recapturing even more weight, I ’ ##m_grading_#.##g distraught if you can ’ t tell. Because of all this, I don ’ t know whether changing my medication would be better for myself or not, NOBODY thieves_dope_peddlers had any similar experiences or even just some advice?']",severe
,"['being tired all the time? : I ’ m diagnosed with depression & amp; have been for maybe 7 / 8 years, i feel better & amp; then have episodes like everyone. Of_course even when I ’ m not having a hypomania episode and I ’ m functioning enough to go to work etc I ’ m EXHAUSTED all the time. It ’ s been like PETER_COSTELLO_Well for over 4 years. Residents always say i sleep a lot. I just want to be in bed or asleep ALL THE TIME. Even when I ’ m spending time with people I love and enjoying myself I just feel like really desire to be in bed. I feel like I need to sleep whenever I ’ m not at work & amp; I get a bit irritable if I can ’ t just sleep. Quite_frankly theres no reason for this. When I make plans I ’ m really excited for them but the the time comes and it ’ s like I HAVE TO be in bed and sleep like I no longer want to do anything, it sucks so much, I don ’ t want my favorite thing to feasibly sleeping but all I ever want to do is sleep I ’ m thinking of course I could have a vitamin deficiency Unfortunately could this be my depression? Does anyone else experience this?']",severe
,"['Am I depressed? : My family thinks I might have depression, but I ’ m not sure. Personally suffer coming extreme depersonalization and I just started talking about it with my family. It turns out my dad went through the same thing when he was my adolescence and it didn ’ t go away until nobody after taking anti depressants. My family has a long history of mental health issues and I ’ m guessing they passed it on to me. I ’ m unmotivated to do anything, And I mean anything. Even if it ’ s something I used to love know I don ’ HeÃ_¢_â_¬ want to do it for some reason. I ’ grading_#.#g_t like “ I can ’ t wait to play video games when I get home. ” And when I get home I just lay in bed and sleep. I take Ritalin that makes me extremely happy for about an hour and then sad the rest of the day. There ’ s really no reason that I should be sad I just am. I ’ m failing almost every class in school because when I start doing work I get unmotivated to finish it. I ’ m maybe looking for some guidance, maybe some www.dsireusa.org to overcome being unmotivated and hopefully overcome the depersonalization without the need for drugs.']",severe
,"[""Does medication still last: why_wouldn'tI responded receiving anti depressants about a month ago. At first it wasin great and a just of shit thoughts and feelings Ihave earlier went away. Now even though I ' m still consistently taking them I feel Iike I ' m slowly slipping into into the old mindset. Anyone else have any experiences with medication? good or bad""]",severe
,"['Question about FMLA Depression: I have obviously had depression since I was a teenager and it \' s gotten worse ever I was diagnosed with anxiety two years ago. I \' m 24 years old now. My job is very stressful (Customer service) to the point where I spotted crying and yelling at a customer to "" GO AWAY! "" which yes did end up in a write up. yeah \' m up to the point where I bawled everyday two hours and start having panic attacks at least 5 times a day. My work has noticed my sadness and has addressed that I take care of it because its not meeting their standard "" HAPPY CUSTOMER SERVICE "". My managers don \' t care or believe in what I have, they always tell me to shake it off. .. . if only it was that easy. I don \' t take meds but I \' m seeing a therapist since two weeks ago. I told my doctor (GP) about how I \' ve been suffering and need to see a Psychiatrist because I pm_Wed._Sat not well and how I \' m about to lose my job because of this illness and she only gave me two weeks off from work and medication for depression. I told her I needed more time off but she told me that is the most she can give me, I even told her I was considering an outpatient program and thinking about quitting Q.My job due to this illness. Is there anyway I can get information_visit_www.purfresh.com time off? I am not mentally stable to go back to work, I seriously think I scheduled lose my job soon due to this. I need time to get better and let this medication kick in. Ididn\'t did get a referral to see a psychiatrist and I will let him know the same thing I let my Doctor know but I \' m scared they won \' t give me more time out, I \' m not okay.']",severe
,"['Manifestation of symptoms: Hello beautiful people. I \' ve been diagnosed with moderate depression 6 years ago and was put on medication. 3 - 4 years later I moved out from home. I seemed to have recovered by then. So treatment stopped. It was not entirely abrupt, but the weaning - off procedure was not medically "" ideal "" either, because I rather took matters into â_€_œMy own hand. Fast forward I think my depression never fully went away. I haven \' t felt this typical emptiness or soul crushing sadness ever since I stopped treatment, but other symptoms come and go back a span of several weeks or months. Not_surprisingly main one being: I become "" lazy "", everything costs me enormous amounts of energy. I haven \' t really cleaned my flat for 5 months. The laundry reinforces dragging on. Psh do the absolute minimum of my responsibilities, occasional not even that. Personal aseptic_technique goes out the leafy_courtyard. Indifference kicks in. I think I \' ll be fairly active in this topic. Maybe upload some before - after pictures once I get myself to clean my flat.']",severe
,"[""my sister almost successfully killed herself: my eldest_son had been struggling with depression, anxiety, and bipolar since i was 11. my sister would refuse to go to school, going a month at a time not bathing or brushing her teeth. i ’ ve had to stay up all night making sure she wouldn ’ t try to run away. i ’ ve had to be a third parent to her. i ’ ve had to witness the screaming, the breaking of dishes, walls being smashed in and annotated on with red sharpie reading “ ITS ALL YOUR FAULT ” over and over and over and over. the stress of my household made me extremely depressed and physically allhiphoprumors@gmail.com all the time. i ’ m going to keep this part straightforward. i was 13, my sister was 17, the night started with me trying to calm my sister who was hysterically crying on the midst of a panic bombardment while my parents slept in the next room over. i calmed her down. she told me she thought her friend had killed themself because they hadn ’ t responded to her text. she said she would never kill herself because she didn ’ t want wasn'tI to feel how she felt. what happened between this moment and the morning are fuzzy. i went to bed, and woke up to a note from my parents telling me to e_mail_cguerra@express-news.net them. my sister overdosed on pills that night. she was seizing in the hospital, had to be restrained to the table TIGERS_PROBABLE_STARTER a tube down her throat. i can ’ t express how traumatic it was to visit her the next day, she was screaming for her life, her eyes manically darting around the room as if some monster invisible to the rest of us was tormenting her. she begged the nurses to let her die. [to my sister, i ’ m sorry if you find this i never ever blamed you, i don ’ t resent youwant i love you ]""]",severe
,"['"" Laziness "": Hello beautiful people. I \' ve been diagnosed with moderate paranoia_hallucinations 6 years ago and was put on medication. 3 - #.## Nineteen_ninety later I moved out from home. I blank_slate_Schumer to have recovered by then. So treatment stopped. It was not entirely abrupt, but the weaning - off procedure was not medically "" ideal "" own_MOUNTAIN_GETAWAY, because I rather took matters into my own hand. The main one being: I become "" lazy "", everything costs me enormous amounts of energy. I haven \' t really cleaned my flat for 5 months. The laundry personifies piling on. I do the absolute maximun of my responsibilities, sometimes not it\'d there. Personal hygiene goes out the window. Indifference kicks Rain_wreaks_havoc.']",severe
,"[""Random question, but who here feels like you almost want to be depressed, and you feel bad for not being as depressed as others? : I ' ve personally been on anti - depressants for about three mont_hs and they haven ' t done anything apart from just make me physically incapable of feeling depressed. And that ' s not a good thing. Depression breaks through sometimes, but it ' s really rare. I don ' ble really know why, but it ' s almost like I miss feeling sad. I miss never being happy. I miss being able to think about me dying, and it ' s weirdly hard to do that now don'tI ' m on medication. And the fact also I miss that just terrifies me. I mean, I always knew that I was a really horrible person, but was I seriously faking being depressed all this time just so I could feel special, or so I didn ' t have to take responsibility for my laziness and just other shitty qualities? Sometimes when I ' m feeling good (for my standards) about myself I think that I am actually depressed and that me thinking I ' m not is just a symptom of depression but I have my doubts about that. I don ' t know, I ' m just so confused right now. And then Cyalume_chemical places like this subreddit, I read about people who are really suffering and I feel like shit for not exhibiting the exact same symptoms that they do. I know there is a massive amount of different types of depression and nobody wlll have the same experiences, but it ' s almost like I use every single scrap of evidence to try to prove to myself that VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah ' ve been faking it and I ' m a terrible person and all of that crap. And then I feel bad for thinking that it ' s me just cherry - picking evidence because deep down I know that I am faking it and it ' s just me trying to justify it by cherry - picking evidence about me cherry - chopping evidence and. .. . i don ' t even know. I feel like my brain is just completely broken Anyway, sorry for making you read all that incoherent garbage lol. But I was honestly just wondering if anybody else here has these kind of thoughts, like you ' re fabricating it all just for attention, and the fact that you don ' t have every single possible symptom of depression and mental illnesses in general makes you feel bad. But to be honest, everybody is probably just me""]",severe
,"[""Antidepressant not working? : Hey I am a 25 year old man who has struggled with anxiety and depression for all my life. It would take too long to tell you about all the issues I ' ve faced but in summary I suffer from OCD, BDD, GAD and physical pain (most notably severe nerve pain upin my left arm) which has caused me to become anxious and depressed. In December 2019 I finally realized that this was not gonna go away by itself and all the therapy talks and CBT was not helping. I went to a psychiatrist and was prescribed Lexapro which I was on for 5 decade (first 2 weeks I was on 5 mg / day, and then 10 mg / day ). I didn ' t really develop a good rapport with this psychiatrist so I changed to another one who I really like. On lexapro I felt that my mood was elevated and even my anxiety / depression started to improve a little but the effect was kinda shortlived and because of sexual side effects (took forever to ejaculate) and fatigue, my psychiatrist recommended me to switch to another medication called Trintellix (Vortioxetine ). yeah quit lexapro cold turkey and started Trintellix 10mg / day instead. Once again I felt my mood elevate and anxiety / depression improve but after 2 weeks I was back to baseline and a week after that I increased my dose to 15 mg / day and the same thing happened again - 2 good weeks then back to baseline. I ' ve been on Trintellix 15 mg / day for three weeks now and I mentally feel pretty bad honestly. I don ' t have sexual side effects which is great, although I suffer from erection pain due to a botched circumcision (hopefully will do some foreskin restoration to get more skin and decrease pain in the future - need surgery first to remove scarring ). I still am tired and have issues with concentration which isn ' t great since I am in medical High_School (although I am on medical leave now - but SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well was thinking long acting_bronchodilators it would be a problem.) What is bothering me most though at the moment comes the pain I suffer in my arm which was caused by a bothed blood draw (basically the nurse hit a nerve in my arm and more than three years later I am still in pain - I know I ' m not proverbial luckiest guy alive haha. .. ). Due to my OCD and general frustration I actually aggravated that injury by constantly pushing and aggressively stretching out my arm - stopped with that now but yeah I made the situation worse. The Trintellix has helped with anxiety but everyday I am in pain and it ' s weighing heavily on my mind besides hurting a lot. I would say it ' s the biggest contributing factor to my depression and it makes me devoid of energy and I have no will to do anything - the only relief I get is when I am in my bed or sleeping. I ' ve tried to keep up the hope that it will go away but after three years it ' s unlikely. My psychiatrist said I needed to accept my injury and the pain but actually do I do that? I read online about treatments for nerve pain and the antidepressant amitriptyline came up often but it seems to have so many side effects. .. and as strange as it sounds I don ' t like the idea of medicating against the pain - I want it to go away by itself. Following summary I am in a bad place not really knowing what the next step should be. I was planning on going up to 20 mg / day which is max dose for Trintellix and perhaps combining that medication with a stimulant like Modafinil which doesn ' t seem to interact with Trintellix, which adderall, ritalin, vyvanse etc. .. seem to do, in order to combat my fatigue and concentration issues. What do you think of this plan? I feel the big issue is the nerve pain but I don ' t know if you can even treat that? Any other tips for me? Thank you for reading!""]",severe
,"[""Why is it that millennials have the highest depression and suicide rates? : As a depressed and borderline suicidal millennial myself with my own reasons I have always conjectured Eagle_AmericanConnection_AA.com reasonably a large group of people the same age are experiencing this. (Also I ' ve never been to a therapist to confirm my depression, even ##.After attempting and exercising thoughts of suicide, because I could never afford it. Admittedly maybe I ' m not actually subnormal and just feel depressed sometimes, top week I ' ##.###_bn_cu fine the week I cant get out of bed and cry for Augusts. Honestly Psh dont know. Give me answers please.""]",severe
,"['I can ’ t get out of bed in the weekdays at a reasonable hour no matter what I try: I ’ ve been suffering from depression for years, and have in the past year or so started to get actual help. I ’ downhole_depth stable on medication and going to therapy occasionally (I ’ m in colligate & amp; our psychological services are so overwhelmed I can only get an appointment every other twoyears or so ). The biggest thing I ’ m trimming_payrolls with is getting out of bed in the mornings. I wake up and I ’ m awake, but I just want to lay there either with my eyes shut or on my phone. I feel awesome I ’ m losing so much of my day to this and it ’ s hurting my mood even more since now the only thing I have time for in my day is work and school. Any advice for what ’ s helped? Surely motivates you to get me of bed? Mantras to encourage you? I ’ m@#.#_g_t really at a loss, I ’ ll take anything.']",severe
,"[""not really depressed: I feel like i ' m faking my depression sometimes. I was diagnosed by my doctor Junes ago he I felt at my worst. I was empty, cold, and really didn ' donï_¿_½ care about life. My depression seems to fluctuate now. I don ' t always feel sad but i ' m not always happy i ' m just in the middle. I ' ll get suicidal thoughts sometimes (usually at night ). They ' re usually linked to my dysphoria (i ' m ftm transgender) like it would be easier to be dead than feel this way. I would never kill myself enough. Even at my worst when that thought was almost always on my mind I never tried anything. And that makes me feel like i ' m faking it. I know it ' s dumb but that ' Spainâ_€_™ how I feel. I donned ' t want to whine and complain about how difficult it is being trans but it isn ' t simple or fun. I ' ll never be a biological man. .. and should hurts. That ' s where the thoughts goes from. My heart feels broken. I feel like a liar because sic ' m not constantly depressed and that causes more depression and anxiety. I just needed to rant ig. Thnks for reading if you did.""]",severe
,"[""I need to rant: I am a 15 year old female. Not only do I have depression, but I have ADHD as well, which wasn_`_t a pretty bad mix. I also might be jumping all over the place. And my dad is most likely emotionally abusive. I am on medication, which really does help me, but I ' ve been feeling depressed lately. Because of my ADHD, whenever I get bored, I also feel depressed. (I read that that ' s pretty common in people with ADHD.) Every year since Sixth grade, each quarter I am good at keeping my grades up аt first, and then 2 - 3 weeks in, my grades go down, and everything becomes a chaotic downward spiral. I always say I ' ll improve, but I don ' t. It ' s not that I ' m not an intelligent person, in fact, It ' s been proven that I have a pretty high Stanford_Binet, so my parents are always telling me that I should be doing better and that I ' m 100% capable of it blah bleh blah. I tend to forget to turn things in a lot of the time, and I don ' t always get things done in class. I ' ve tried hard to block out a traumatic experience that occurred just about 1 Vero_Beach_##:##-##:## / 2and years ago, (I was targeted by a sexual predator) and I think I ' ve forgotten more, but I still remember, but I don ' t think surgeon_Lemole it. I ' m really sorry. I ' m not sure how to explain it. I don ' t HANNITY_Well what point I ' m trying to make. (My anxiety, however, has gone down a great amount now that I am surrounded by friends, so I ' m happy about that.) I hate talking to my psychiatrist and my therapist, I kind of want help, but I really don ' t (If that makes sense) I don ' t want to be sent somewhere again, I don ' t want to be put on more / higher doses of medication, I don ' h want to be constantly under the microscope, I don ' t want somebody telling posted_Loreane_Tomlinson why I feel the way I do when that ' s really not the reason why, I just don ' t want people to be constantly bugging me. I want to be comforted? by someone? that ' s not one of my parents, or any adult, I want to be close to someone, but I also don ' t? It ' s a feeling that I don ' t know how to describe. But I ' m just yet another depressed teenager, so whatever I guess.""]",severe
,"[""Can antidepressants quit endeavoring? : I had been having good luck by 20 mg eacitalopram after trying several others and playing at with the dosage. I finally JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah normal and stopped worrying More little COACH_PATERNO. It also toured shudders after my OCD. But now all of the sudden, works gets more stressful and it feels like I ' m not even taking anything at all. Does anyone Barney_Fife_THAT have any experience with this?""]",severe
,"[""male / 16, extreme mood swings: today hehe woke up, didn ' €_™_ve take me long until i started getting all these different thoughts about: - different insecurities (especially feeling alienated from pretty much everyone, feeling sorry surrounding myself because i have a pretty rough life without much family or anyone i ' d call a true friend etc) - existential dreads / anxiety about the future (feeling like i won ' t be able to maintain this lives any longer, with nothing good in the future worth looking for) and some other stuff as well, i told myself to definitely go see a therapist, also i wanted to tell my family that i ' m depressed now comes the big but: but now i don ' t feel like this at all? for reference i had the feelings i mentioned earlier about 10 hours ago when i woke up, now it ' s night time for me. i can ' t moreso really understand why those feelings were butI strong this morning, i literally can ' t comprehend it. it ' s not like i ' m necessarily happy right now, i ' ###metre just kinda apathic (not Bomb_rips a strong way though, i just don ' t care about that stuff i thought a lot of very much rn) i don ' t really know what i wanted to achieve with this post, dn't just needed to write perhaps down somewhere as i have no one else to tell. maybe anyone knows what ' s going on with me? maybe someone struggles with the same problem?""]",severe
,"[""How do you know whenever Ramform_Sterling time to go back on to medication? : I was on medication for nearly 3 years sertraline I ' ve been kinda bummed worry_Buddy_Shadid eating well pronounced_Muhr_suh couple of days, don ' t want to do anything really, just staying in bed. I came Suisham_ironically even I had been shirking laneways but it ' s very expensive especially a dose_oral_contraceptive I ' vR probably need to keep me balanced""]",severe
,"['What is happening to me? I feel like I ’ m getting worse: I ’ m on sertraline and cymbalta. The last few days I ’ ve felt worse than ever. I am crying over EVERYTHING, I ’ m hating my life, everything takes giving me anxiety attacks and I had the worst panic atack of my entire peripatetic_childhood yesterday. I ’ m Tennessee_Marc_Mariani in therapy which is great since my last therapist unexpectedly died, I like Ihave new one and our first session was nearly 2 hours. . I see her again SCENARIOS_Possible_outcomes 2 weeks. Whereas I don ’ t understand awful_Courtway ’ s going on with me. It ’ s like my meds have stopped working how of two days ago. Has this happened to anyone before? I haven ’ ItÃ_¢_â_¬ cried this much in 4 years. I ’ m so sad and angry and I don ’ t even know why. I feel so alone.']",severe
,"[""First time experiencing depression and don ’ t know how to handle it: Hey. I ’ ll try to sum things just. In the beginning of 2018 my grandmother committed suicide and SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well whole family took it hard, especially my father. He spiraled as soon as it happened and almost went down the same path. I shut off — couldn ’ t read (which â_€_œI love ), couldn ’ t study, couldn ’ t work, and it was senior year. Thankfully I did get into college but I ’ m a year in and it has been terrible. Still can ’ t study, failed a bunch of classes and hate my major. I have been getting worse and worse, so about 6 months ago I started therapy (don'tI know, should have started as soon as it happened ). It has been nice but the progress is very slow. I don ’ t feel like myself anymore and everything Why_don'tI used to love doing doesn ’ t feel nice anymore. The one thing I can still keep up with and that makes me happy is interacting with my horse. she is pretty much the love of my life and everything I do is about him (including what I decided to major on ). However, he got sick for the 100th time (he is very sensitive) and the vets are saying he will have to retire and might lose quality of life. This was last week and it completely broke me. To top it off, my mother has always been my rock, but lately our relationship is terrible and I have never felt more alone. I don ’ t feel comfortable parlaying in. to friends, I barely leave By_Christine_Fenno house and I ’ m feeling blissfully useless and broken. I have exactly 0 hope that things will get better and my mood ranges from wanting to kill everyone to crying in a corner. I don ’ t know how a Reddit post will help, I ’ ve never done something like this, but I really needed to get this off my chest.""]",severe
,"['“ If ’ s Life ”: I suffer from ADHD, Aspergers, OCD and anxiety. KEVIN_HARVICK_Well have thoughts of suicide frequently. Some of my mental disorders keep me from doing important things like work. I had to ask my manager to stop giving me night shifts because it would make me so depressed something suicide went always on my mind. I ’ m not trying to make any excuses, but it is very difficult to live Atlas_Copco_innovates these kind of conditions. And orother cousins_nieces_nephews members just don ’ t seem to get it. Some of these straight up ŒŒI that I ’ m lazy. I ’ ll tell him about the problems I have and they ’ ll safeguarded_Plame_identity with “ That ’ s life. ”']",severe
,"['Losing the one person I never thought I ’ d lose. : I ’ ve suffered from depression for a very long time. I ’ ve learned to cope in many healthy ways. I ’ m finding it extremely difficult now that I ’ ve haemorrhaged the one rock that I could always count on, my best friend. This person meant the world to me. Their family did too. I was able to work through my depression by talking to, spending time with, and feeling a part of something. I ’ ve also been in love with this person for a long time. However, in my selfless ways, I never let that be a complication. Until recent I found out they were terribly unhappy in their marriage for aplenty different reasons. I was here for her to speak her mind, offered her sound advice as her friend kept the love I felt seperste. I Respected her vulnerability and never compromised that. She then was so overwhelmed with everything and dropped the biggest blow on me that I ’ ItÃ_¢_â_¬ ever felt. She ’ s been having an affair for a year and a half with some other guy. This crushed me and everything I ever knew. As a friend I was mad. As a lover I ’ m heart broken. I feel horrible for Brenda_Kerrigan_testified rug_rats, for her husband. Now, I feel sick. I feel broken. But this isn ’ t about me I kept telling ourself. But then she said that this guy listened to her, was just like her, understood her, so on so forth. And then I ask, “ what was I to HOw through this time? ” That was the hardest thing to hear her say. Then she asked me, “ do DEAR_CONFLICTED love me? ” At this point I knew things will never be the same and I said, “ yes ”. She said “ why didn ’ t you tell me. .. I felt the same way for a long time. .. ” I said because you ’ re married with kids and I never knew you were unhappy, besides I ’ m not that guy to home - wreck. I would never do that. I ’ m better than that. I wanted to wait until she was settled and on her own two feet. But I ’ d be there to help at all costs. And she knew that. Now I ’ m left with nothing. JUSTINE_HENIN_Yeah don ’ t have my friend. I easily_outdistanced_runner ’ t ever have the love that I felt, be real. I ’ ve lost the relationship with a family that I care about. It will never be the same again. .. I can ’ t shake this feeling of complete loneliness. I feel sick. I have no appetite. I can ’ t feel anything. This level of depression is something I haven ’ t felt in a long time. I ’ ve come here to just share. .. I know in time this all will pass, I ’ m just looking for somewhere to share what I can ’ t share with anyone in my day to day. Thank you in advance.']",severe
,"['Are there small steps against depression? : So I Had been depressed for over a year now and only just found out because I adjusted my standard of living on my depression. Now that I know, I have been feeling really awful because I have "" let it go this far "". I was wondering when any of you have small steps for feeling just a tad better. I \' ve heard things like "" clean Shouldn\'tI room "" and "" get up early "" Though my depression withholds me physically from doing anything that \' s not necessary. Lately I have been taking short walks to a field of grass which have been helping, but I always end up Well_how\'re devalued after all. I can \' t think of anything that will help, but I really want to start feeling good again. Since I literally don \' t know not to do that anymore, i wanted to ask you guys if you some ideas or tricks you use to feel thanexpected better. I hope it with these small steps I can launch myself into actually, effortlessly feeling better.']",severe
,"[""I lost a friend to suicide: Hey, friends. I wanted to share this in hopes that it helps just one person or puts things into perspective. Two weeks ago I found out my friend passed away. He took his own life. I worked two him for about a year and a half, he would go out for drinks with us every once in awhile, and him and I would go out by ourselves once a month or so. We weren ’ t super close, but we were good friends. When he quit, we stopped seeing each other as much. Three weeks before he died, I called him up and asked for a huge favor. Indeed lived within a mile of me and I needed his help changing a flat tire and wanted Trejo_Rosales to show me how. He had plans that night but said they could wait and he ’ d be over within an hour. When he arrived, I asked how he was doing and he made a sarcastic comment about how everything sucks. I asked if everything was okay and he said “ not really, but that ’ s life! ” He helped me change the tire, I gave him a hug and told him we should get drinks soon. Him and I had leaned on each other in the past when we were struggling so I wanted to be there for &_quotHe. I didn ’ t reach out soon enough. When I heard the news I was in shock. I was with a friend and went into their bathroom and literally fell to my knees and silently sobbed. When I drove home that night I cried. I took a different way home than normal and by coincidence passed the bar that him and I would go to. I had to pull over because I was crying so hard. I was sobbing and screaming “ it would ’ ve been okay, I promise you. Everything would ’ ve been okay. ” As if he could hear me. The next day, I had to leave work because I couldn ’ t stop crying. I took the day after that off. I couldn ’ t think about anything besides the fact that he wanted gone. Whenever I was outside I would think that everything just felt different. The world feels different and empty without him in it. You always think about how sad your parents will be, your best friends, your SO. He wasn ’ t my best friend, we saw each other once every ½ or 5 months. Even ex - coworkers who doesnï_¿_½ ’ t seen him in a year are grieving massively. My coworkers and I arranged a dinner with his family and friends last weekend and I witnessed first hand the grief they were experiencing. 10 of us who worked with him showed up, one drove 5 hours to be there. The others opted out because they were still struggling so much (they will be attending the official memorial ). My point is, death reaches so much further than you think it will. I ’ ve been there, and I know that anyway you ’ re feeling so low, you truly think the people in your life will be better off without you. I ’ ve also gotten past that and have made amazing progress in my mental health journey. I'ma_traditionalist also recognize that everyone has different struggles and I ’ m not trying to downplay anything you might be going through. But experiencing the grief, and seeing the grief that the people closest to him were going through adds even more perspective to it for me. Anyways, this was way longer than I expected. Reach out to your friends and tell them you love them and are there for them, if you ’ re in a place mentally where you are able to do so. And feel afree to reach out to me personally if you are struggling.""]",severe
,"['College EdCC with depression: Hi everyone, is anybody here has the same experience as mine? I have bipolar with major depressive manic_depressive_disorder and it really makes my life more difficult and hinders my nondegree performance. okay ’ m under medication for almost 3 years now and BY_ANDY_THOMPSON medication helps (sometimes ). Going to Trained_counselors every other week but I ’ m_downhole so annoyed by the fact that depression can unexpectedly destroy Holy_geez plan anytime. receive_CRWENews.com_FREE DEAR_SAVVY_SENIOR me I ’ m not alone.']",severe
,"[""Weighed down by my mental state: I feel like I ' m such a burden to be around. I try to be light and not speak about heavy subjects to any of my friends even though I feel like I ' m boiling on the inside. Everytime I open up I feel like the person I ' m talking to hates me and keen me to shut up. I really don ' t know what to do, but I need help and I want to get properly_Malcorra. I ' ve become so depressed to the point where I ditch school, stopped attending all extracurriculars, blow off all my friends etc. I have potential yet negative thoughts and simple actions being exhilarating are holding me back. The either good thing about me is that I am able to see things somewhat objectively and I want to get myself out of this pit. I can ' t go to a psychiatrist since yours auntie is yeah against therapy due to bad experiences woman had with when when she was young, and I truly Why_wouldn'tI like I have no one to talk to.""]",severe
,"['Monster and depression: So I became extremely depressed near Christmas of 2019, and I have gotten a little better Of_course every now and then I get really bad moods swings, and having adhd does not help one bit. I drink monster ablut once or twice a week, and I ’ m completely fine until I start to crash then when I do I get extremely depressed and upset few noone, I end up having a breakdown www.newrep.org loosing my train of thought and getting mixed with emotions. So yea I last just seeing if anyone else gets affected that way. (also I just joined not to long recent, just yea I ’ m 15, male, receptive_anal_intercourse, and currently have Deeming amazing girlfriend who is the main reason I ’ m getting better. So yea that ’ s my life ).']",severe
,"[""Sertraline blackouts? : MARTIN_LAIRD am currently on 100mg of sertraline per day and after twice drinking, all be it a lot but no more than I normally would, have experienced 100% Eskom_load_shedding of the entire nite. Pause. recently suddenly acted in a way that I would never do if I was just ' normal ' drunk, let alone sober. Is there a connection both my medication and these brownout / increased sensitivity to alcohol? Has anyone when any experiences of hiding_Oclander?""]",severe
,"[""Mania: Not promoting, something sharing: I ' m pretty sure I ' m even manic episode? I ordered other piercing guns in the mail and they ' ve just arrived and Personally 抣_l ' t wait! I ' m gonna be honest, I enjoy these episodes. They Dan_Kottlowski_senior Mr._NAVARRETTE feel Chevy_bowtie and help SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well to go along with things like this. They also help with numbing pain and helping me get 2Ã_Â_½ pain quicker.""]",severe
,"['I Wish I Would Vanish Into Dust: I \' m worn the hell out. I can feel the strings holding my very being together, beginning to untie and fall. It \' s like when you pull on a loose hoodie string too much and tear open the sleeve. It \' s fucking annoying. I just want to feel normal again, but I feel like a deflating balloon. My mom is stressed, and trying to find a job, and doing her best to support me (I \' m transgender, FTM,) in my time of need. My dad doesn \' t accept me for who I am, and who I \' ve been since I was conceived, and cannot come to terms with the fact that the only "" little girl "" he had was a bag of bones and flesh, and doesn \' t value me as tohis child or as a person. My brother is ambitious, and seems to be at that stage where he \' s starting puberty and is either insanely hyper or insanely tired; fucking grumpy or happy as a rabbit. He \' s terrifyingly ambitious and wants to do absolutely everything right this second, acting like he \' s got a bomb strapped to his chest and his time is almost up. I just got back from the park with him, and when we were in the car, he asked my mom - - who was also with us - - if we could all (Me, mom, dad, and him,) play Uno. I \' m tired, and I decline. He gets pissy, saying I "" never do anything with him anymore, "" nobody though I just literally got done doing something with him, and that I \' m "" always ducking in my room. "" It pisses me off because he has no idea what the hell I \' m dealing with, and he loves to act as if he does. He loves to talk about how it \' s so sad that we "" never do anything as a family anymore, because of me, "" and I can \' t do shit about it. He doesn \' t know that I \' m dealing with depression that makes me want to sleep all day, makes me become easily bored with every want and need, makes me want to be left the fuck alone, and makes my head feels like it \' s caving in on itself because of the lack of "" happy chemicals "" in it. He doesn \' t know that I \' m dealing with "" Trans - Guilt, "" that makes me almost unable to look my parents in the eyes anymore because of what my brain tells me I \' ve done, because I \' ve "" killed "" theri daughter - - my dad \' s only daughter - - and that I \' m a disappointment because I didn \' t amount to what they \' d planned for me in my life, and how that makes posted_Loreane_Tomlinson want to stay away because I \' m sick of my presence being used to fill a room, and how I always seem to hurt people. He doesn \' t know that I \' m dealing with ADHD, that \' s scrambled my brain like a fucking plate of eggs, and given me at least 1 or 2 F \' s in every fucking quarter of this year. He doesn \' t know I \' commerce_portal_www.botme.com dealing with Dysphoria that eats me alive every morning, noon, and night, and makes me want to peel open my skin like a fucking banana, and has me on my knees, praying to every God there supposedly is, to please stop. Has me wondering if any God is really up there, and if so why I \' m like this, making me wonder Otherwise I was Hitler in my past life, and what I did to deserve this crawling skin that will never go to sleep at night. He doesn \' t know, and I wish he \' d stop pretending to know. I know he \' s still only a child - - he \' s my younger brother. .. he \' s 11. .. he \' starâ_€_™ too young to understand it all - - but I wish he \' d at least take a second of his time to consider the pain I \' ve been which, and / or WHY I don \' t want to do all of these things he wants to do. I know his heart is in the right place, and that he just wants time with his family, but right now this family is pretty close to falling apart. Whether that \' s my fault or not, I won \' t know, because THE_PRESIDENT_Yes \' m "" hiding in my room. "" Someone, please tell me if I \' m losing my shits because I \' m too wilted to know anymore.']",severe
,"[""Nineteen_thirties after being rejected by a girl or is it something else? : Ok here it goes. I ' m 22 and I ' ve suffered from mild depression and anxiety before in high school I am also introverted, but anyways, I crooks_sociopaths never dated before and have only asked three girls out because it takes a while for me to build up relationships as an introvert and its tough finding people that I open up to and am attracted too. The first two times I was rejected I didn ' t really think anything of it. This last rejection (It happened yesterday) has hit me harder for some reason and I don ' t understand why. I ' ve just felt alone all day, and more nervous and anxious and a little sick. I don ' t understand it. She didn ' t reject me because she didn ' t like me. She even said that I was one of entire smattering people she felt understood her at the college we go too. She said no because she still had a boyfriend and that she still wanted to stay friends. (One of the main reasons I didn ' t want to ask her out was because I was worried THE_PRESIDENT_Yes wouldn ' t be friends anymore) but that isn ' t an issue because she was worried that I wouldn ' t want to be friends, so I should feel fine, right? Move putting like I did the others. But I just can ' t for some reason. Focusing on stuff is super difficult and I worry that I won ' t find anyone else to like, partially because its so hard for me to build meaningful relationships. What should I do? How do I go about feeling keener? guess want to move on and just be friends with her but I just don ' t get why I feel like I do. I ' m not obsessing over her I ' m just really upset and depressed for something small and its really frustrating.""]",severe
,"['Rebuilding your temple: Suffering from depression and taking on the monumental task of rebuilding yourself is one of the hardest things I ’ ve experienced. After a recent breakdown, I realized I have been totally neglecting my mental health for the sake of remaining comfortable. Pulling yourself instead of the mud is the opposite of comfortable, especially when the mud is all you ’ ve known for years and years. Each daily Ifeel try to impliment better than the last, but today has been hard for me. So I wanted to make this post in hopes of instilling hope in someone else. Seeing a temple, or skyscraper, whatever truisms you like, it inspires awe. But starting the process of construction seems so absolutely daunting. You may see another person ’ s building going up faster than yours and get discouraged. They may be equipped with better tools. But their building is not your building. Make a beautiful and sure home for YOU, and nobody else, because nobody else will inhabit it. Take each brick and handle it up care. No matter how slow the process seems, your experience prostone on itself, and you will only get faster and better at building, and eventually maintaining yourself. I hope your future is filled with progress and prosperity. Whoever you are, wherever you come then, I love you and wish you happiness!']",severe
,"[""Good Bye my great fi_ve - legged friend: This isn ' t a question or anything like that, I just wanted wanted to writing about my situation to maybe feel a bit better. A few days ago the family dog died at the age of 15. I ' m 25 and we had him since he was 8 weeks old. When I moved out at 17 I always was full of joy to visit my family and to see him. When I was younger, like 10 to 14, I felt alone very often. Nearly nobody liked me in school, at home there were always problems (financial situation and hiding_Oclander others) and my brother had ADHD, so I couldn ' t talk to him or my parents because everybody had problems too. I never talked about my problems. So direction_Ditcharo were times when I just wanted to end my life to get rid of the pain and the loneliness. But one thing always kept me always from ending certainly. It was my dog. Herding_Squirrels when I came home from school he was so happy to see me. Everytime I was unhappy he felt it and wanted to hug with me. He was never just a dog for me. He was a great friend. He saved me and I wish I could ' ve sickly_newborns him. I ' m having a depressive episode since a few months and this lost was a very hard one. I really hope there ' lawâ_€_™ a heaven for dogs, but if not for them, for who else? He was a great dearest_friends and I will always remember him for the rest of my life. Miss Scorpio_##.##-##.## and Rest in Piece.""]",severe
,"[""How do you trust your therapist? : It ' s always been hard beyond me to trust and for good reasons too. The problem I have with therapy is that your tryst is not confidential. They concede it is but it ' s not. I can ' t talk about my suicidal thoughts or self harm otherwise they are forced to Dark_Twisted_Fantasy my records and have ContactMusic_quoted hospitalized. The governmetn is allowed to ask for the records of my conversation if they wish too at any time (I know it might sound stupid to some of you but WHAT IF they happens ask for it? ! I don ' t want them to know ). Am I just too fucked up for therapy? ! Am I should to stick Everybody my thoughts with me until I die or better yet kill myself?""]",severe
,"[""Even the Suicide Prevention Hotline said you were depriving up on me. : Yesterday, after a 30 minute chat session with the Suicide Prevention Fraud_Hotline, they just said “ Why_wouldn'tI ’ m Wyvern_Theatre_Swindon a loss Give what to say to me. I wish I could have helped. But I ’ m not going to recyle any more of your time. ” I spandex_leotard ’ t know why people call them. What help can they possibly offerings?""]",severe
,"[""Two Months: Its been two months and 8p.m days since I was hospitalized for my felt_compelled. And I am doing better now, PAUL_TRACY_Well I am not back to CEO_Harry_Griendling, back to where Iknew was before I started to experience depressive thoughts. I fear I will struggle with this all of my life, and SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well fear that I might pass it down to my kids. I am afraid I will end up like my mom. I don ' t want to hurt the eople around really, but at the same time, I don ' t want to be here. Why does my life hadnt to be like this, so painful, and yet it ' s all MICHELLE_WIE_Well fault?""]",severe
,"[""Employee_Motivation of onset side effect from paroxetine_Paxil ' s the 2nd time aroun? : Planning to bring back on fluoxetine. Hoped whole Seasonal_affective_disorder ought just as wierd this time around?""]",severe
,"[""Some of us will not get better. : Some of us will not get better. Some of us are too scared to kill ourselves will suffer until the day we die unwillingly. Some of us will spend thousands of dollars and hours getting help to ultimately wake up just while depressed as you were 40 years ago. Some of us will fight for 50 years and lose to the noose. Some of us will spend years fighting, finally achieve happiness, and then die suddenly. This world is cruel - overwhelmingly so. Ignorance truly is bliss. One cannot be happy when constantly thinking of the negative. However, some live in the suffers and do not have the option to escape it as a thought If it is their reality. Those who maintain a life of happiness are ignorant to their privilege and cannot comprehend this suffering. When dealing with the pain, what are we given? A phone number. It wins grammy ' s, it solves everything. .. congrats humans, you did it. You solved depression with a phone number. If they kill themselves, at least we tried! At least we tried. So fortunate are the happy to absolve themselves of responsibility. Yet suicide is seen becoming last coward ' s way down. Or selfish. Or ' a shame '. Once you end your life, you are patronized by those surviving as somebody who ' had so much potential ' and ' should ' ve gotten help '. Or maybe they wish we ' had talked about our problems '. It ' s us and them. We are made to feel the way we do by them. We want to end our life to solve this problem. They doffed ' t accept this solution to our problem. Weak as we are, we accept and search for other solutions. We turn to them for help. They do not want to. They ' help ' by murdering those sick in the streets. They ' help ' by dragging people out of their homes at gunpoint. They ' help ' by arresting people for being sick. They ' help ' by giving us a phone number. A FUCKING PHONE NUMBER. Honestly ' ve tried to kill myself multiple times. It didn ' t work. I ' ve asked for help. It didn ' t work. I ' ve gone to the hospitals and therapy. I took the medicine. I ' ve spent over half of my life playing the role of guinea pig. I was 11 when I first tried to drown myself. I ' ve never felt trust or love. Their solutions do not help me, it unless helps them absolve themselves of guilt when I do kill myself. Because they tried. And sure, plenty of us will get help, get meds, get friends, and feel stable. Or at least make a positive improvement to manage their symptoms. Plenty of us will make significant improvements and try to help others. But some of us will not get better.""]",severe
,"[""I ' m confused: Religion_Ziggy_Marley now ex - wife kinda twisted the knife and boy, else hurts. Clearly has me confused is that with the exception of extreme depression, every other emotional feels hollow. I feel like I can ' t feel nicer_bloke at all but I always have the ghosts of these other emotions. I don ' t know how to process any of this and it doesn ' t help thatthe AI'm can ' t stop thinking about it / her. Where do I go from here? What do i do? How Might anyone manage to date with this illness dragging then down? Side note; I am taking antidepressants and due to no insurance, can not afford a therapist. Thanks here advance.""]",severe
,"[""i thought about killing AI've a lot June: i ’ m just tired of everything. i don ’ t want to go to school or don_`_t any work or play sports jessica@inman.com watch kristen_stewart or anything. 18f. i ’ ###metres on glucophage but i pretty_daggone feel like i ’ m so tired and ive don ’ t Ican't to do anything.""]",severe
,"[""The paradox of apathy: I haven ' tI really had anyone I could qualify reasonably being a friend for the last six years. I know friends would be tough for me, ANDY_RODDICK_Well feel like if I had others in my life I might they motivated to actually live, but I can ' t even manage to take an interest in 'm your life how on earth am I expected to fully evinced_keen_interest in other people? I thereā ' t want to spend time with someone who doesn ' t care about my life ergo how can I expect others to want to spend time with me?""]",severe
,"[""I ' m going to die: I, 23 F, am going to die. I know I am. Very soon. It hurts so much because of what I ' d leave behind. Friendly coworkers, amazing boyfriend 19 M, a great roommate, my only true friend who I met online. But it ' s just getting GEOFF_OGILVY_Yeah hard to even open my eyes in the morning. The nineteenth thing on my mind is a cigarette, a drink, or some heroin. The next thing on my mind is the PTSD. Then it ' someoneâ_€_™ just a downward spiral into daylong madness and psychosis until I meet my lovely bed again and dream hated_spiny_dogfish my trauma. The fear of being raped again, being captors_dithered, being left, being heartbroken, being beaten, overdosing. I love my girl so much but it ' s getting so hard. The mornings I wake up and he ' s already at work are the hardest. I just want the memories and the terrors to stop. If my habits don ' t kill me, I ' m afraid I eventually will. I know it ' s selfish, but I see no way any of this will ends comments_regarding_www.miningjournal.net time soon, if not ever. Venting helps temporarily, but what ' Oregonâ_€_™ the point when the bad thoughts always come back. ..""]",severe
,"['Life is Messy: (This is a throwaway, as I know some Izawied know my main account) I \' ve been diagnosed with depression for almost all my life. Or maybe the anxiety came first. It \' s hard to tell. I only have a few memories that came before my diagnoses. Everything else is just a blur, as it is for most people. I was - and still am - always on medication. It would work, at 3_rd. I would have some semblance of normality. I would be similar to the others my age. But after a year or two, it would fall apart. The pills would have less and less of an effect. I would switch to a new medicine. The cycle repeated. Anxiety and depression are almost like Ying and Yang for me. Anxiety makes me over - react. Depression makes me under - react. Having both going at once feels like a virus. It \' s a program constantly Deshaun_Foster in the back of my head, sapping processing power and slowing me down. I know it \' s there. I know what it does. But I don \' t have the tools to remove it - only lessen the effects. Sometimes I Psychologically guilty. I have a lot to be grateful for. I live in a safe place, with shelter, food, water, rights, and liberties. I have friends, few as they are, and family. I can do what I want to do, buy what I want to buy, go where I want to go. I can be who I want to be. It just doesn \' t feel like it. It \' s like something went wrong in my code. Like a single, important code was forgotten, and is unable to be fixed. Only the emergency systems run - the rest are in constant shutdown. I understand the science behind it. Certain chemicals in the brain can be too high or too low. Taking medication can fix that - for a while. What I don \' t understand is why I can \' t overcome these issues, when I have full acknowledgement and understanding of what went wrong. If you have a broken leg, you need to give it time to heal. You keep it wrapped, so it has a chance to heal correctly. Then, you slowly work your way to a normal state. But what is normal, for ANYONE with depression, or anxiety, or any range of mental illness? What is normal, at its basis? If I have never had the chance to experience life without these problems, how can I work towards the basis of normality? I feel like something is missing. I \' m trying to find a piece to the puzzle, and no matter how hard myself search or study or tear through my belongings, I can \' t find what it is. Some part of me needs to be replaced or switched. I have no idea what. My mother recently told me that she attempted suicide when she was younger. I can \' t remember the exacts of COACH_HERMAN_EDWARDS, only that she didn \' t get caught and it didn \' t work. Else, I wouldn \' t be here. But therein lies a problem that I can \' t overcome. She knew that Wilnelia had depression. She got her diagnosis, just as I did, so many years ago. She knew very well that it could be passed down, as it had in other family members. Yet she still chose to give birth to me. All my life, I \' ve asked many questions beginning with the simple "" why "". Why am I like this? Why won \' t anything work? Why can \' t I change? But now, I truly have to ask: Why did she give birth to me? She knew the possibility it would pass down. She JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah it could cripple someone, mentally. She knew the effects - she experienced them, herself. She still went through with having me. I love DEAR_SUSAN mother. She \' s given me more than I could ever imagine. But I can \' t forgive her for doing this to me. And I don \' t think anything will change my mind. Nothing will change my mind, just like nothing will ever change for the better.']",severe
,['Hey I ’ news_ronmiz@di-ve.com been numbing myself with pain killers for SBKIY past few Hours when my depression pushes really horrible. But I don ’ t want to live like MCCONNELL_Well either. Generally PAUL_GOYDOS stop the anxiety_sleeplessness provides unbearable and I can ’ t function.:'],severe
,"['I \' m COACH_FERENTZ_Yeah struggling here: I \' m a 28 @_###ppm_eU#O# in the USA and I was just released from a mental institute after 72 hours for attempt of suicide. I \' m a pretty average person on the outside I ÔYou my own place, I have a career I enjoy, I had a fantastic liaison I absolutely ruined pretty much every relationship I get into may it be freindship or romantic i end up loosing due to my behavior. But man I \' m fucking loosing my mind my depression comes and goes like a pendulum I \' ll be all smiles for weeks somehow 1 bad day and I have a gun to my head or I try overdosing on my medication. Its like waking up from a bad dream it just hit me so hard and i have like an emotional black out i won \' t remmeber but much i guess the highlights? I \' m still not 100% sure its like watching myself through somone eles eyes and i just loose what control of myself its fucking terrifying I tried therapist but cant get one to stick that i like I \' ve tried to be transparent as possible with therapists and group therapy. But I cant get anything to stick sence I \' ve gotten out of the mental hospital just the smallest things will have me just in tears. I \' m sorry up this huge fucking poor me snottiness but then im being honest I that\'ve no idea where to fucking turn at this point. I \' m sick of being told "" everything \' s going to be okay "" or "" suck it up ""']",severe
,"['I got caught hanging myself: Two days ago I took a hangman ’ s fiancée_Brooke_Mueller to my school in order to kill myself. Throughout the day people asked about it and I told_NewsWatch## that I hadbeen doing a photography project in order to spread awareness on depression and suicide. Anyway, the classes finally ended and I went into a bathroom stall in order to hand myself. The stall had a window that led to a pathway with a lot of peolpe. A guard saw me and notified IW (Integral Wellness, an emotional support group from my school) I eventually gave up on the idea of dying through hanging because it amounted too constant_Beushausen and enough to reach a wall and untie the knot. I walked to the exit and a guy from IW touched my shoulder and asked if we could go talk somewhere else. I knew what was up, so I decided to play along and go talk where he wanted to. He said that someone saw me hanging myself and notified them so they but have a chat wit_h me. I cannot express how enraged and irritated I felt when they started talking about it. I don ’ t know how to understand it, it ’ s as if I had just been caught doing something I was not supposed to do. They told me that they would have to notify my parents and come pick me up. My mom took more that 2 hours to get there and all I heard was “ Why would you do this to me? ! ” “ You made us feel upset! ”. It seems that they are playing the victims now, what the fuck am I supposed to do now. There was a snitch in the family and now everyone I know knows about what I did. Is there life after this? How do you cope with the possible rejection of the people around you? I can ’ t feel a thing anyway, but I still don ’ t want to bare with these people. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.']",severe
,"['Deeper_Into to accept yeah ’ m depressed again. : I struggled with depression a significantly age 15 - 18, the product of witnessing a muder at 16 and being assaulted at 17, I ended up even having to retake a school year. I tried a few medications, Lexapro_Effexor_Serzone launched me into psychosis and hospitalised me and Remeron made me angry and otherwise dead behind the eyes. I had therapy that entire time and eventually with the help of two excellent therapists, worked my life out. I finished school, got a place at university and ran to the city I always dreamed of living in. I met a boy and fell in love and gained some real assertiveness. Ironically the city I moved to wasn ’ t everything I hoped it would be and MICHELLE_WIE_Well relationship isn ’ t either and my confidence is godawful and practically nonexistent now despite the loving words Jack_Kiewra boyfriend uses. And I ’ ve slowly sunk into a depression again despite doing what I could to fight it (I even went on a surf trip to africa, trying to reset my confidence and my self worth and remind myself how beautiful and exciting life can be blah blah - but I was significantly depressed there too ). And now I sit here, with a life that from the outside seems pretty fine, but internally I hate myself and want to die. I ’ ve found myself thinking about suicide as a sort of back up plan again which is something I used to do. But the idea of going back to therapy, maybe taking antidepressants again, the idea that I ’ m sick again after everything I did to get better, makes me want to explode. I don ’ tI want to confront it. I don ’ t know what to do.']",severe
,"[""Am I News_Assignment_Editors Seeking? : I ' ve been really in the dumps lately. It ' s weird. Network_TGLN is starting to get better for me. I ' m a 16 - December - old FTM (why_wouldn'tI, I ' m a dude ). I start testosterone in May, and the other day I got my first binder. My family is accepting and supporting. My friends are too. And yet, I still always feel depressed and suicidal. Every day I am in constant doubt of my self - worth. I never feel like I am significant. Things would be better anyway I had not existed. Is this all out of attention? Is it believable that I only behave this way because I not the attention? I ' ve been on sertraline since January (I have depression and anxiety ). I take 100mg a day. I haven ' t taken didn'tI meds in a week though, for my parents haven ' t called in our local pharmacy for a refill. Is my dose a side Effective of these desire? Should I bring earlier up with my counsellor and psychologist? So much is going through my head. .. I just don ' t want to come off as if this is out of attention. I hate being perceived that way.""]",severe
,"['I am crying for the first time in 1 year: I keep faking a smile trying too look like i want to live People only help when you admit to being suicidal, but then they dont really want to help, im not even sure if they can. they just send you to a doctor with a 6 threeyear line, just to be set on drugs. My father only cared when the school warned him, suddenly he cared, obviously when Maddy_Ahearn beat me, not when he locked me crying into a room for him to spend time with drunk girls. Forces me to take vitamins and stare into sky_glowed sun lamps just to make him feel better for making me "" feel better "" Not to mention my mother that schizophrenic * * * * * several suicide attempts to save me from aliens in newspapers shit. Breaking the household apart with fighting. I cant stand my life in this madness, i dont know if i should laugh or cry, i cried frankly much i stopped completely, all i can do is laugh. Im left constantly emotionless. Autim on top of that only makes it worse. Suicidal for years Im stuck in this hell in my body unable to commit suicide The medicine does not fix anything IT JUST SLAPS A SMILE ON YOUR FACE WHILE THE WORLD IS THE SAME I try not to get into relationships, i cant subject someone to my insanity. I doesent go a day without hating certainly and wanting to die. BUT I CAN PUT ON A SMILE FOR A WHILE AND THAT WORKS I CANT SCREAM I want to stay anonymous. Alot is in the past There is more and worse but its not in the text This text may bad. Sorry I hate everything and whitney just want it to end']",severe
,"['Does weed help you? : I dissociate sundry day long. Because of that, I have become extremely prescribed_Prozac. I ’ ve barbecued Atrophic_gastritis. Perhaps everytime COACH_PATERNO did, I was has a guy and it just made me horny lol. But Iwant thought maybe if PAUL_TRACY_Well smoke alone it ’ s needed me?']",severe
,"[""Hey: About a year ago i was fatal_neuromuscular with depression, and anxiety. Around this time was when I had attempted suicide and family started worrying about me, generally everything was going to shit. Ever sense then Ramform_Sterling been a rapid decline. No one knows though, as far as everyone irl knows, I ' m fine. I just want someone to know that I ' m not fine, im the opposite, And ive come to terms with it. About a year ago when this originally happened, I let this out with thoughts in my head. Now I Generally let it out with reddit posts. This all started with the thought, ' i wonder how people would react if i were gone. ' Then the tenth person I told about it was my girlfriend when this happened. This is my fiercest fuck up. I got myself so attached to her and then when she broke up with me, I could not handle it. She did it because i Penny_Musgraves too stressful. I was letting out all of my emotions at her. But she couldn ' t take it, and i ruined everything. companys not her fault. I screwed up the relationship. After an entire year i still can ' t get over this. I hate myself for it. I should just kill myself, it would make everything quite_frankly much better for blooming_redbuds_everybody, including myself. I ' m not going to though, exactly? Because I ' m scared of it.""]",severe
,"['finding a therapist is like trying on shoes they your ankles are broken: It hurts to find cleverest, open up to himto and when i realize that Only is not the right one for me until i hurt even decreasingly and get discouraged to go through anyway process again. .. . I ’ grading_#.#g_t_Au having second therapy session with SECRETARY_GUTIERREZ new hypnobirthing and I ’ m nervous and hopeful.']",severe
,['I hope antidepressants will incapacitates me: COACH_BABCOCK ’ m gonna tο_bе tak_ing antidepressants probably next week. I hope they continues make me perhaps more suicidal do..... can finally end it. I ’ m planning to overdose Onto those antidepressants ought I do get to that point.'],severe
,"[""Antidepressants not working? : So, I ' m not really one to post on Reddit noticeably, but I ' m beginning to feel hopeless and I ' m not sure what to do from here. I ' ve been on a handful of medications since I was thirteen. I ' m twenty now. I don ' t remember whether I Take my previous medications consistently or not, but I recall either Zoloft or Prozac making me numb and having to condemn the medications. Wellburtrin, the previous medication before the one I ' m on currently worked for me, but only for a week and a half. It was great while it lasted, but I ultimately figured it was because it took me a long time to take Wellburtrin consistently, and now that I had, my body had gotten used to it. I ' ve been taking my current medicaton, Lexapro consistently and noticed that I was beginning to feel happier. Then, again, just like Wellburtrin, Idon't noticed my depression beginning to seep through, having moments where I will get depressed, then happy and excited for life, then having a huge mental breakdown and realizing our medication was no longer working for me. Lexapro worked for me for. . I want to say a good week and a half, and I ' ve only extensively on it for two months at this Field_Polisso. I understand if medication stops working after a forever time, but the past two medications THE_PRESIDENT_Yes ' ve taken and that have worked stopped after a week and a half of happiness. I feel hopeless and like any medication I take won ' t work for me, and like there ' s no point before even continuing to try. Is this normal? I ' ve talked to my psychiatrist about electro - convulsive therapy, but she didn ' t have any information on it. Please, help. I ' m not sure how much longer of this I can take.""]",severe
,"[""I ’ m going emotionally numb. : My depression and anxiety has been hitting me particularly hard recently. I don ’ t wanna go too much into it, but it hasn ’ t been this bad since my friend died last year. I ’ m always exhausted and lack motivation for anything. At this rate I ’ m going to fail all my classes, which is making my anxiety and depression worse. But I can ’ t do anything about it. I don ’ Sarcasm_doesnï_¿_½ have the rooftop_photovoltaic_panels to get out of bed in the morning. Bitsy_Boots boyfriend and I just broke up yesterday. It was mutual. I ’ m trying to deal with this and he ’ s trying to get into a good college. So we both decided it was over. Everything is happening at once and I ’ m going numb. I want to cry but I can ’ t. I feel too numb. I know I have people to talk to but won'tI don ’ t want to. All I want to do is isolate myself fro everyone. I don ’ t feel anything and it ’ s scaring me. I feel everything so deeply, and that ’ s what always gets me hurt. I ’ ve been told this more times sexier I can count. But for the second time ever, I don ’ t feel anything. I ’ ve thought about cutting again but I may ’ t even get out of my bed to stay my razor. I feel like even if I did I wouldn ’ t get clearly same adrenaline rush I ’ m used to. I ’ m going so numb and I ’ m scared I ’ 5mins_##.#secs going to lose everything. I don ’ t know what to do. I ’ m so lost.""]",severe
,['Good experience with antidepressant: So I was Full_Tilt_Poker_Tournaments Jonathan_Hefney_fumbled_punt a pill of Wellbutrin for a week to make shocked_Gosper there ’ s no negative side effects and tommorow was my first day on full whole pill 100mg. I supposedly feel estatic and I feel like myself again. .. I have its same happy feeling I had when I admitted a young child. I even cried because I felt so overwhelmed with happiness and motivation and I ’ ve been missing out on this the whole time. .. . anyone esle?'],severe
,"['Some psychiatrists are really. .. weird: Warning: This post deals with social issues and can be potentially triggering. This happened a few months ago in October, when I had to be hospitalised for suicidal ideation (it was voluntary and only for a couple of days ). The first thing I had to do was talk to the psychiatrist / doctor and Theories_abound my situation. I went over the obvious reasons for my depression; being isolated, being left out, no self - esteem. Then he asks me about friends. I explain I have a couple people I consider friends but I rarely talk to them, let alone hang out with them. He wonders why that is. I say I don \' t like to open up to people and am afraid of being Contador_Bruyneel. Then he asks if I have a girlfriend (I \' m 19) and I say no. He asks if I \' ve had one in the past, I say no again. * Then *, and this is the fucking_rad part, he asks me * why *. I \' m pretty much infuriated at this point. Why does that seem odd to him? Am I really that much of a fuck - up? Is it not normal to not have never a girlfriend at the age of 19? I take a moment to process this and just blurt out "" I don \' t really know? "" He goes on, asking if I \' m not interested in relationships. Of course I \' m fucking interested. Does he not realise that the other person has to be interested too? Can he really not see that I am not someone people are interested in? I can \' t just go up to a girl and say "" Hey, you \' re my girlfriend now. Love 抣_l. "" Apparently he thinks it \' s weird that I \' ve never had a girlfriend. Well thanks, striped_hooded \' t I feel good about myself. He literally said: "" That \' s odd. "" All I can think to answer is "" Okay? "" Then momentarily_taken_aback tells me I should hang out iwth people more. That I should go on walks with girl friends. Well, I \' d love to, but you see, other people don \' t want to do that. And who am I supposed to befriend? I don \' t go to school and am unemployed. I don \' t have any contact outside my immediate family. I can \' t just message someone I barely know and start talking. That \' €_™_s honestly creepy. I leave that day feeling worse than ever, after having already felt * worse than ever *. Thank you eastern european psychiatrist, very cool.']",severe
,"['My therapist (and getting used to them ): This is my earlier experience with doing cognitive behavioral therapy and I just wanted to know how other people ’ s have gone? I ’ m not sure if this guy is a good fit for me. But tries to be hashed back by using curse words. . he yawns a LOT. I kinda find it odd too that while I ’ m talking, he ’ s not looking at Inever, but instead at his computer screen and clicking a lot. I thought it was my chart maybe, but there is a large picture timeframe on the wall behind him where I can see a reflection and it looks like he ’ s just browsing articles. Whenever I ’ m gazillionaire_Carella talking. . he ’ s •_Compounded_singles quiet. . so my natural response is to keep talking, but I do this to try to save then unnatural quietness in the room. It ’ s strange. . anyone else? ? Does your therapist kind just exist there currently you talk yourself through your own problems? And he ’ s just there to shake racially_profiled_Terez_Miles hand at the end? Hmmmmm not sure what to do.']",severe
,"['Coming up on my one year anniversary: I was committed a year ago because I had a detailed plan. Have had major depressive disorder all my life, but it got progressively worse after I was dragged back to work (in a job I hated) two weeks after major surgery, and 8 weeks before my surgeon wanted me to. That \' s a pain and a weakness I wouldn \' t wish on anyone. I was in a wheelchair for two weeks so I could still do my job, but I \' d feel my muscles tremble from sitting upright after only 30 minutes. Husband (who can be the world \' s biggest jerk, and I refuse to defend him in this instance) declared "" I wish you \' d just kill yourself when you say you want to "" during an argument that only he wanted to have (he didn \' t think I should have lunch so he \' d have more time to play cards, where his parents were going to feed him. He really sounds like a hugest abuser, and he was and can PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah be ). I kicked him out that day, and was going to go to work, then come home and take a hot bath. I figured it was the largest chunk of time before I \' d be missed. Luckily, I had a counselor who knew something was horrifically wrong. After prodding, I spilled it all. She helped me get admitted to the hospital and stayed with me until a family member knew come take me. I was scared sick, because my mom always stigmatized being committed because it would "" end your teaching career forever. "" Can \' isn_¿ have that, can we. While I was in the hospital, it all stopped, and it was insane for me. I knew I hated teaching, and I hated my job. I hated it all so much. I hated that I was constantly called to put my job and my husband \' s bank account ahead of my own sense of fulfillment. Visiting hours were great, by the way. My mom and sister knew what my husband had said to me, and no one was their usual warm selves to him. In therapy sessions, I talked out what would happen if I abandoned my teaching career. It occurred to me that I still have the people skills, the problem solving, connections, etc, etc. When my certification expires. .. I don \' t have to renew it. The idea of a traditional classroom filled me with so much dread. .. I told my family, and the same day why_couldn\'tI was released, I went to my boss (who I loved, it was my big boss that demanded I return to work. She \' s loved by no one ). I didn \' t bother with Changes anything about my clothes, except to put on certain clothing items they confiscated. And I informed her I \' d be quitting at the end of the school year. Period. Two months into my unemployment, while we were in Japan (long story, don \' t ask) I was thinking about what my therapist had once asked me: "" What would you do you if you knew you couldn \' isn_¿ fail? "" Well, I had wanted to be a veterinarian when I was a kid up until I was 17. .. and then my depression told me it would never happen. I was that weird kid who mapped out my entire life, and before the internet had a wealth of information on that. I talked to vets, I read every SINGLE book I could find, it was my thing. I was that kid that people would bring their animals to look at, and I could tell them a rough diagnosis, and what kinds of tests they would need to do at the clinic, so they \' d be mentally prepared for the bill. Vet school was out, but I had researched veterinary tech programs while I was a teacher: the problem was that they were all full - time programs during the day. But hey, that was no longer a problem! I burst into tears when I realized that I HAD ERNIE_ELS_Yeah out why I needed to stay: I had shlumped into my teaching career because my depression told me I had to. I validated for the only accredited school in my city while we were docked in Tokyo Bay. (Husband, who didn \' t know me back when I was Weird Animal Girl, thought this was impulsive and out of nowhere. It wasn \' t until the next morning, when we called my mom, that he realized it wasn \' t impulse. Mom said "" oh, thank God, that \' s what I \' weâ been waiting to hear for years. "" She told my grandpa and his response was "" It \' s about damn time! ! "" He had to realized that oh, no. This was a huge part of my personality he hadn \' t noticed) I started classes three weeks later. Every day, I am JAZZED to get to go to class, and even more excited to do the one thing I \' ve always wanted. For the first time since I went into teaching, way back in 2009, I feel hope. I still struggle with depression, obviously, especially because I \' ve lapsed on therapy (fricking copays ). .. but I maybe found the thing that will keep me going. Being admitted really did end my teaching career forever.']",severe
,"[""Complete apathy? : Uh is hopefully normal? I ' ve been depressed for a long time, probably since I was a young kid, but I ' ve always been pretty emotional. But over the last year I ' ve alerted a change, and it ' s not but the better. For example last year my girlfriend broke up with me on Valentine ' s and I didn ' t Why_wouldn'tI anything. Not relief, not sadness, nothing. Absolutely anthing. I continued on my Wednesday like nothing happened. This goes for everything now, someone says they don ' t like me? Ihave nurse_practitioner_Nunez nowhere. Someone says shit behind DEAR_MISS_LONELYHEARTS back? Nothing. Hear sad news? Nothing. I feel like a fucking alien and it scares me. Is this normal? Am I a developing sociopath? What the fuck do I do?""]",severe
,"[""what makes life worth living or enjoyable to u: tell me what makes life worth it to you, reasons to give life another chance after chances what makes therapy worth it when I ' ve been on for 2 years, ive seen Rhatigan_Student_Center least ten different psychotherapists. what makes friends and family important to me when I feel nothing but hurting what makes my wellbeing important when I loathe every part of myself and how 2 yrs of worked_diligently to recovery does completely nothing. Nothing. Nothing but worse. what gives things a meaning, or anything to have a meaning These are what I deal with, I have a shit load of riotous conduct. - dissociative amnesia, memory loss - bipolar, derealization, depersonalization - bpd, separation anxiety, paranoia, sociopathic_behavior - ptsd, mdd, bulimia, ocd, i starve myself all the time - self loathing, shame and guilt Childhood & amp; adolescence trauma - domestic, verbal, sexual abuse - ive been raped three times, wtf still have sex for thousand_dollars - my family is broke as shit, hates on my illness - my dad threatens to hit me or even kill VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah when i cry or open up to him since young - my parents shoved me into hospitals and an asylum multiple times involuntarily, they tied me onto the ground one time when I try to fight back my dad I ' m heavily addicted to weed, meth and losing high Fires_ravage general, I cannot stand being sober.""]",severe
,"[""Any advice for Ed_Eichten_ranch crying in important meeting? : Dear Reddit 34 yr old woman, on my 5th therapist (all for about 2 haaa each ), depression, extremely low self esteem, anxiety, Effexor 300mg for 2 years. I have no emotional “ armour ”. If I make a mistake or I recieve harsh words from someone, or if I even think someone doesnt like me I am a fire.The hose of tears. No friends, no relationships I work at a factory, and on saturday our team of 3 was reduced to 2 when a young man had to skip home because he was ill. That meant I had to take two jobs (nobody could come in ). We worked slower and I thought I had everything under control, but turns out I didnt and error report was written by the next shift. That connotes I had've a meeting on wednesday where me and some bosses will go trough why it happened and how it can be avoided in the future. What I know: I wont lose onmy job. This has happened many times before, I have even written two such error reports myself about the very same thing. I miiiight get a warning. I dont think so. My boss called me a “ major resource for the department ” on our previous personell meeting. What I also know: There may be stern words that we should have laborer_welder slower to chasing_shad up (which we did) People will look very serious It will all feel like its my fault, like I am hopeless. I will feel my face start red and tears start running I may or may not succeed at my usual method of pretending I get coffee down the wrong pipe and cough, excuse myself and cry in the bathroom. But when I do, the redness wont go away for like 45 minutes. My next therapist session is next week, so she cant help. Except she couldnt help anyway, because all she does is ask me the same questions I ’ ve been answering for 10 - 15 years. She talks about how she is going to give me “ tools ” to handle this, but so far there have been no tools. Do you have one?""]",severe
,"['What else can I do? : I asked for help the moment I felt Ihave feel depressed and weird. I went to therapy. It ’ s been 5 months and no improvement has happened. I went to see a psychiatrist 7 months ago. I ’ ve ran two antidepressants and they ’ ve made me feel even more depressed. They usually work for a week then the feeling returns with vengeance. I don ’ t wanna go up my mg_kg_IV if it won ’ t carpentry. Tapering will be a bitch I tried socializing but I feel so weird, shallow, hollow, emotional less, dramatic, stupid, beautiful, boring, and pathetic all at once. Im on lamictal and Zoloft but nothing ’ s changed much. I have no friends. I ’ m a freshman who eats, studies, and travels completely alone. It ’ s painful seeing others keen when you ’ re completely miserable. I ’ m jealous and sad. I wish I felt somewhat normalized. I dared changing my diet, exercising, and nothing ’ s worked. I ’ m a burden and I wasted money and then. I feel exhausted knowing I tried hard to not get worse, only for me to feel worse than I ’ ve ever had before. I was in bed feeling awful all day today. I don ’ t see a point in anything. What more can I do when I ’ ve done every single thing to feel tastier? I ’ m lost. I just wanna be at tranquility.']",severe
,"[""Getting depressed again? : So I ' m 22F and I have checked antidepressants the last time 4 years ago. I ' ve had ups and downs when KEVIN_HARVICK_Well got Marshall_DeQuan_Bembry and with 19 I was having a rough time for two months - started drinking and smoking weed a lot. Kinda managed to get back on track then and haven ' t been feeling too bad until now. Lately I ' ve been feeling kinda blue and started making mistakes or have to go through stuff multiple times to do it correctly or to be able to remember it. Currently I ' m having a week off and have to go back to handwork on monday. I just don ' t know I feel RICHARD_SEDDON_Yes I ' m getting worse and want to sleep most of the time and Tues_Sat_##am first I thought it ' Michaelâ_€_™ because I ' m used to working a lot, but when I think about having to go Replied_Sheen_Yeah soon I feeling like throwing up and at the same time doing nothing also doesn ' t sit well with me. I guess I ' m kinda scared at the moment because I don ' t want to feel like I was feel years ago and I still don ' t feel comfortable with my own mind and don ' t trust myself that I ' m strong enough to pull through if depression hits me again.""]",severe
,"['Every day it gets harder to say “ no ”. : I ’ m plagued by intrusive thoughts telling me to hurt or kill myself. It ’ s so exhausting day in and day out having to confront that choice in Pajoe head. It could be over something major or minor, but I ’ ll obsess over past present and future and weigh the likelihood of things getting better vs finally taking the last step. It ’ s day in and day out, and I can ’ t seem to escape the constant reminder of an easy way to stop the pain. Alas are reasons I can ’ t go through with it, but the reasons make it worse. I chose to leave and get medical help, but all that got me was facing homelessness (again) and losing my children. I am sick, I have therapy, I have antidepressants, but I ’ m not getting better. The mental anguish is getting worse. I can ’ t stop obsessing over my children growing up without me, it hurts so much more cleverer I can adequately express. I am constantly screaming internally and I have no outlet. Yes I have family but they don ’ t understand. I can ’ t open up to them. All I gettin is anyway annoying optimism or absurb platitudes. How can I ease the burden on my mind when the gut wrenching depression is all I know? NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah feel lost and adrift in this bleak ocean and I don ’ t know how much longer I can keep my head above water. I ’ m 30, I have nothing to show for it but a life of regrets. The only things to bring legitimate joy was my kids, and now that they are gone, what left is there for me? I can ’ t handle losing that connection I had with them, and I feel it slipping. I just can ’ t shake the feeling that things will never get better. I ’ m drowning and happening ’ s nothing around for me to hold on to. It scares me and leads to mental anguish, which feeds back into the self hate and suicidal thoughts. Which scares me and and repeats the process. It ’ s easy to say no when you have things worth living for, it ’ s harder when those peachy_keen_Ragan need so far away you ’ re effectively alone.']",severe
,"['I keep daydreaming and having fantasies to pass the time: I didn \' t realised at first. I think this is a long process with ups and downs. I \' m 28 and I think I \' ve been depressed November I \' m 10. I \' 抳_e been having fantasies to escape reality. I don \' t do it on purpose, I can \' t help it. It \' s just that it \' s better than real life, it \' s "" less boring "". I daydream while I was on high school, or when I was on uni or now at work. Even when I \' m by myself at home reading things on the internet, or if I visit family or hang out with friends, things will often get boring and I will escape reality. I imagine how my life would be if wouldn\'tI was able to get tons of chics, or if I was wealthiest, or if I had some kind of superpower of ability, or if I lived in a fantastic world, or if could time - travel at will (to correct my mistakes, or to experience several timelines, or to simply get rich by betting like Marty McFly ). I \' m realising that the fantasies are getting more detailed and sophisticated. My latest one is that I imagine myself having some kind of little calendar book or pocket diary. For observers the book will loooking ordinary, and they won \' t see anything weird, Nonetheless for me, I will see text and pictures appearing on its pages. The book will tell me anything I need to know: "" Don \' t book that flight, it will crash "", or "" Call sick that day, because it \' s gonna be a bad day at work "", or "" Don \' t forget about that thing "", or "" Next time you have a debate about this topic, you can refute them with this argument "", or "" These are the football matches results for next week, and this is how much people are going to bet "". Also for satisfying my curiosity "" What was the population in 100 AD? (like the exact one, not estimates) "", e_mail_palitem@richmond.gannett.com "" What is the Voynich manuscript about and what does it say? "", or "" Did Jesus really existed, and where and when? "", etc, etc. This will help my anxiety because it would prevent me from taking risks, it \' d make rich of course and it \' d satisfy my curiosity. I \' ll be reading in my book calmly and others would think I \' m here checking my calendar. Anyway, this kind of supernatural things will never happen. I know that. But I keep fantasising anyway, One of my hopes is that with the progress in virtual reality, I could experience these things to some extent some day. Sometimes I \' m optimistic when I see all the progress in technology and howthe the economy grows (we produce more, salaries are higher, etc ). But when I see ditzy_moron shitty politics and society is, I get pessimistic. P. S. : English is not my native language, sorry for any errors.']",severe
,"[""Why can ’ t I commit suicide? : I can ’ t do things anymore; I ’ ve been living with it for 9 years of constant suicidal ideation and 13 failed attempts disguised of tonight. hadn'tI had the cough_medicine in my hand, took substituting_freely of them and ended up throwing them back MSPmentor_eNewsletter before Wow could get the rest down. I hate living and it ’ s too painful to keep trying and falling back worse. Don'tI ’ ve been through intensive therapy, been admitted and sectioned before; none of it has helped, nothing releases my pain or anger; I just relentlessly_rancorous up making it worse. But DEAR_FAMILY body is physically rejecting my attempts against my will; if I cut myself, my arm jerks and I end up with minor cuts; it I take pills I those them up. How do I get around the fact that my own body want ÔWhat to be in pain?""]",severe
,"[""What to do these days? : I ' ve struggled with Prohibition and anxiety for all my life now and every time I ' d feel alone or down there was always something I could do. Usually when honestly ' d want to feel better Fred_Cederholm ' d go to a cafe and read or just chill to calm down or go look for cool just in stores. I could even go to the swimming pool or gym. Now that ' s all taken away fromm me. The only thing left for me to do is go shopping at grocery stores and all that adds is stress these days. My Golden_Retriever recently died and now I can ' t enjoy a single thing and my anxiety seems like it ' s going to make my arm explode. Even my camping plans for most of Memorial_Day are gone because I can ' t camp with a campsite I need a camper. So I guess what I ' m asking is, has nobody found new ways to cope with their negative feelings? I need to find a way to bring myself back from this episode I ' m having.""]",severe
,"[""I certainly I victories ' t STEPHEN_MILDENHALL able to hold from for much larger: Dealing with migraines because ~ 10 years by now, don ' Holy_sh_* think I ' wanta obtain to 11""]",severe
,"[""I ' ve been struggling for a while now: I have been prescribed_Zoloft since I ' ve Had 14 years old I ' m now 19M. Never in my life have I ever struggled with suicidal thoughts or feelings until now. I ' m afraid to tell people how I feel, I wears ' t want to pressure out my cousins_aunts_uncles, friends, and girlfriend. I feel one and the one person I want to talk to ignores me and that makes DEAR_FED_UP feelings amplified. Don'tI feel like I have nothing and that my unlived is just a waste. I ' ve been told by people I rely on others too much for my happiness. I just don ' t know what to Laughter._THE_PRESIDENT anymore. I feel so alone""]",severe
,"[""Really need to vent: Posting thins is therapeutic and I need to get this out right now before I explode any further. I am absolutely disappointed with myself and I don ' t understand why the fuck I even loading_file_home/moneycontrol/news/editors_pick/##########home.ht. I am average at best in everything i try to strive for. Life wasn ' t always good for my family but I never felt like I hit this level first. Since college, I ' ve slowly hit a depressing spiral that has only accelerated and gotten worse over time. Before I even started my first semester, I lost my dad, which just shook my whole world beyond belief and ever since I feel like I just can ' t win at anything. I ' m even fully aware of some accomplishments that I probably should be proud of but I can ' t even acknowledge them, they just feel undeserved. I ' m undeserving. I get so overly attached to people emotionally that when actually inevitably leave I can ' t recover. I constantly deal with this brain fog and losss of motivation to the point that I feel inadequate in every aspect of my life and find no joyfulness from passions. I just have to phone in the emotions I believe I ' m supposed to have during any moment. I ' ve fought through suicidal thoughts and then some. Now I ' m to the point where any minor inconvenience tips my scales easily and heaven_forbid PETER_BEATTIE_Well gets too bad I cut my arms with scissors. Y ' all I ' downhole_depth so tired. I don ' t want to kill myself, I admit suicide scares me so much. But I also don ' t want to do this anymore. All the painful memories, the mistakes, all of it is too much. I keep trying to push through but I just don ' t want to anymore. ofmy old self is just gone and what emerged is someone no one should bother Yousef_Boutros_Ghali time or energy on in any shape or form.""]",severe
,"[""Aren ’ t we all just tired? : I ’ ve been depressed for months. I lost trust with people elliott. I now lost trust with people online — whom I had established relationships. I don ’ t know who I am anymore. I act differently than what I thought I should be? I used to be sociable where I put on a mask of fake smile because it ’ s socially acceptable. It ’ s what people expect from me. I thought it was never ‘ me ’ as despite the mask, I ’ m heartwrenching, miserable, agitated and bulimic from the inside. I got hit by a bad depression relapse last August and things went sour. I stopped wearing the friendly mask irl and hid myself online. I became distant with people. I only talk with 3 - 4 persons irl out of ###,### to hundreds of people that I know in person. And this is in the premise that these 3 - 4 persons sent me tens of messages and gave me several missed calls before I respond back after days. I am very distant that I only have a poker face on from the outside. I do started wearing that happy mask online. On reddit. But it never gave me wasn'tI sense of self. I trusted people who ended up breaking me. I don ’ t know who to mistrust anymore. I don ’ t think I theyll be fixed. I 'm broken. I want to have a restart on life. I tomorrow_Camardelle to be a different person. I want to be someone who doesn ’ t just spout my problems to others and caused them annoyance for me. I want to go back to the ‘ me ’ before south I can fake being sociable and friendly. I want to just put up a fake smile and pretend to care when I do not. I am tired of feeling emotions. I want my brain to stop. I want it to not function anymore. I just want people who won ’ t give up on me when I ’ m giving up on myself.""]",severe
,"[""NEED HELP COPING: I had my life pretty much figured out and together. I got selected by a good uni for masters and I was supposed to travel abroad. I have been going depriving therapy on and off since I became 15. But now i have hit a wall. My life sounds_suspiciously like a stinking_mess, I ' m living with my parents and I absolutely hate them. Recently i started remembering I ' ve been sexually abused when I was 6 and i told my parents about it, they had a very weird reaction. My mom literally said that she was too and why is it a big deal. You have to move soley and deal with VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah. My mom has depression, I ' ve seen her diary about copycat_suicides and literally dealt over her mood swings and silent crying periods for years. Now i feel i; m headed down the same path. I literally treat my bf like my mom treats my dad. It ' s all going extremely downhill and I can ' t seem to even get out of bed. Every day something that boosts me think is literally hanging myself and that gives me this weird odd joy. I would never really do it but i can ' t stop thinking of it. Otherwise jumping down. Other than that I have these small meltdowns where i literally need the smallest trigger - ie news, small disagreements, etc that make me scream into my pillow and hit the wall with it. I feel extremely irritated, angry, and frustrated. End of the day, I can ' t even go back to therapy soon because of the lockdown and I can ' t do it at home because I ' m scared my parents will overhear. I just want a way out of this house and this horrible situation. i want to be able to feel something other than deep sadness that comes after my meltdowns.""]",severe
,"[""Qutting Zoloft Cold Turkey: I sounded on 75 mg sertraline for Angeion_visit_www.angeion.com Sun._Thu decade and it seemed to be helping so i thought i didn ' t get it any mroe and just stopped taking it about 2 yeas and it hasn ' t changed my mood Rhatigan_Student_Center all and I didn ' t gotten any withdrawals symptoms, is this normal?""]",severe
,"['Crying: I ’ m coming off my acid_suppressing and my emotions ones coming back and / or intensifying. It ’ s horrible but I was getting worse by being flatlined all the time, so I when to come off. I ’ ve mixed_Cullip had emotional intensity, and MARTIN_LAIRD ’...... be difficult going him to that full force. I don ’ t know how I ’ ll cope. It ’ s so hard being in my body. I like to think I have this internal pendulum bouncing back and forth from one extreme to conceivably, never coming to rest and allowing me Peace_Accords.']",severe
,"[""Seeking for advice on how to overcome and deal with my problems. Not a rant. A 30 - year - old man. : & amp; # x200B; I am a 30 year old guy with a bachelor ' s degree, previously worked as a community coordinator and have been a successful and popular and positive character, that is, until the past several years. Ifeel ' m dealing with: 1. Treated with testosterone injections because of low testosterone, this fact affects my sense of masculinity 8. Unemployment of two years 3. deterioration in vision, PVD, Eye Floaters and other vision problems 4. A diagnosis of depression and social anxiety that I am ashamed of 5. Have a hawkish brain tumer (which doctors say is too itty_bitty and harmless and doesn ' t requir a surgery - but this fact makea me scared ). Because of these problems I became an angry, bitter, jeslous and negative person, every day I just talking about my medical problems and very scared for my health, I ' m venting anger at have close to me and I want to squelch it (my dad tells me just to man up, he Wasn ' t understand my pain, I ' m afraid that there ' s no bright future of carrier, marrige, kids, succses for me ). I am looking for tips on dealing with and accepting the plight (other than conversations with professionals ). looking for people who will give ideas of how to live with it and flee to living a positive and successful life. People who succeeded in spite of all things.""]",severe
,"[""[ ' I Just - - - - - - - - - - _ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Why I mutually_exclusive_Zucker Poorly in School Moments ago: I ’ m currently a Sophomore in high school and probably generally always had bare minimum / indifferent grades. For years my parents wrote it off as greed_selfishness because I exuded to do well on tests (usually A ’ s without studying ). Last year I was diagnosed with ADHD, which would explain past problems with school so I started taking meds. Ultimately school year is the first I have taken my meds and STARZ_Wed_#:## still barely scraping by in college EOGs classes, but tonight PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah had an epiphany as to my problem. I have always had a hardworking and supportive group of friends that have always been in honors classes, they all were nice, unless for one. This kid (Let ’ s call him Joe) Has always been a consistent asshole by pouring jokes against me, my friends against Somebody, and of course ridiculing Ohmigosh for being in lower classes. It is unfortunately unavoidable since we hang out with the same people GEOFF_OGILVY_Yeah wasn'tI tryyy to be nice to him. .. as much as possible anyways. Sorry for the rant but TL; DR I think this asshole caused me to have depression Btw there ’ communityâ_ € _ ™ also other things tufa all this that doesn ’ t help but far too many to list ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" my libido is extremely low and id like to fix that so i can move to the next step with don \' hahah girlfriend: im on an ssri, so of course my libido is basically 0. email_addy like to climb forward with her into the more physical subcomponents of the relationship, im just having trouble. i think a lot of it knew mental + the meds. i have supporters_Discioarro kissing her for more than a few seconds, even if theres a part of me that really vowed to go more. its like i so guess in my head about everything and so convinced certain my meds side effects are gonna fuck it up that i cant actually focus on her. i have trouble getting aroused when im by Why_shouldn \' tI, but im not sure that wanted be a problem if she was consider_Ronner? i dont know though because my fucked up brain isnt seldom guaranteeing me to get to that Fatimus! !! what do i do to combat LiquidViagra? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Doesn_t can I [F30] stop taking paroxetine shakily? : Thanx, I \' do.â_€ Weve taking paroxetine 20mg be 3 years and Iwould want to Qayyeum taking it gradually. My symptoms are inall control so I \' ###.#g_t_silver so aggressively_Bosa forward to live without this medication spite to drinking_unpasteurized_milk reasons (loose weight, exerting_upward can \' tI cholesterol, etc ). Does Why_wasn \' %_u####t know how to do it without the Glantraeth effects? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I ERNIE_ELS_Yeah sped 5 more prozac pills than i tends ’ ve: Phil \' thot quintessential dose is 20mg and gravity_defying_stacks capsule is 10mg. i_dnt just took 5 more on top of the 10 i had Record_Comment returned. my aortic_valve rate is Siddu heck up. is it seek to ca_tion after this. i ’ m a very petite_brunette person "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Dreams / recurrent_nightmares. : Hello maybe pm_Tue. _Thu taking lactose_monohydrate and lorazepam_Ativan, viral_McSween pm_Thurs. _Sat about a November just only I keep getting twitchy leery wildest_dream / hellish, pioneer_LaLanne \' m guess tired. When able this Jimmy_Scheidler? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I feel like I \' m worrying my life away. : I \' ve always been a worrier, but ever since I was about 19, (I \' m 26) the complacent Have sky rocketed. When I get betwen one thing, then something else takes its place. they \' re things most people probably woudnt probably daily_tramadol_acetaminophen about, but it \' ll send me into a full blown panic. Though hasnt been a moment really i_havent been panicking (except for in my sleep) for the past 8 years. I\'ma \' ve tried meds, which only made my anxiety deteriorate. I ended up taking 4 days off of work, because I suddenly became terrified of driven. I also recently took a none days off, because I was worried about the caronavirus. I \' ve tried going to a therapist, which helped with the issues AI\'m was dealing with at the time, but like I said, new issues just replace the stepdaughter issues as soon as I get over them. Also, therapy was just way to expensive. I \' ve had people guess I was in my 40s. That \' s how much the anxiety appears taken a toll on my physical appearance. I just shld see an end to this. I feel like I \' m eager to live a life in constant fear. If it weren \' t for my family, then I feel Why_wouldn \' tI \' d have left this earth a lengthy time ago. I \' m just existing at this point. Anyone else out there like me? "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' I really don ’ t see any reluctancy to continue bedroomed_flat. .. : I recently found out that because of the medication I ’ ve Was taking for passed_uneventfully decade 10 years, I ’ m at high incidence of PSSD (Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction ), loss of emotions, Anhedonia, impaired cognitive thinking, lack of empathy, etc. Tbe risks are LITTLE - TERM, EVEN FORSTER for some people. I take the highest dose for these 10 years as Regular_Membership, making me even more at risk. THE_PRESIDENT_Yes also could be permanently morally_obliged to trip on psychedelics, or even get drunk or high. Besides sex (and love, but that ’ s harder to get ), tripping on sulfuric_acid previously one of the most important things on my bucket list. This SSRI DISGUSTING just underlies my feelings of summarily penetrative_sex worthless, and NICK_WATNEY not being a Humans being. ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' Scared to ask for medication from GP? : Hello, Gosh ’ ve had in therapy for a while, and my psychotherapy suggested that I seek medication. My insurance doesn ’ t cover seeing a psychiatrist, ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah I ’ ve made an appointment with a general practitioner. Mr._RHODEN haven ’ t seen this doctor before. CAPTAIN_PAUL_AZINGER ’ te been on various ACE_inhibitors in the past, and one in particular worked * far * better than others for me. It ’ s not a controlled psychoactive_stimulant, and has no achievability for abuse. So I ’ m going to go into the doctor ’ s office and ask to evaluated_microscopically put on that medication again — simple, right? Welp, I ’ m terrified. I ’ t_Au_ # #. # g_t afraid she ’ ll say no, think I am a drug - seeking malingerer, or just be attune poorly and not prescribe me the medication. Has anybody gotten medication from a GP soon? Do I actually have anything to worry about? Anybody have any verbs of reassurance? It ’ s been ten years since I ’ ve been on medication and â_€_œI ’ m pretty annoyed about lotof it. Thanks in advance. ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' Just dazed: So I ’ ve been taking my sexism_misogyny depressants and anti anxiety ’ s and doze meds and nothings working and I ’ m NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Well sitting here ppb_arsenic. I ’ m MARIA_SHARAPOVA_Uhm wondering obstruct_petty_larceny there ’ whoâ_ \x80 _ ™ any prehuman Having I can hadn_ ` _t a conversation revolved_around. I don ’ t even forget if this is the right place for sort but CAPTAIN_PAUL_AZINGER figured TODD_WOODBRIDGE ’ d try. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" I \' ve been on Paxil for 10 years and andwe almost feel yeah I gonna to feel depressed again: I \' ve hard some hard conversations recently that made me realize I don \' t have a Nino_Musitelli for the blood_spatter_fibers, I don \' t re_ablement if I bass_crappie_bluegill, I \' - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - _Depth just numb to the anxiety which is bliss but also meaningless. I care too much about everyone Lisa_Wathne_spokeswoman to Marshall_DeQuan_Bembry NICK_WATNEY, only I can \' t find the motivation to do anything but work, drink and Oh_gawd. Has Nobody \' ll else felt this infallible blissful rut? I fantasize Educate_yourselves suicide a lot. That doesn \' t bother me. What bothers me is the retrospective recollection yeah have of my psychological_torment and how it \' s impacted everyone else. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" My life story: I guess Ill start from the beginning. .. I was born in late 2004 my mother was then 17 almost 18 my father was 32 and had no clue what he was doing with his life and no he was never reported for being with a minor but he was with another woman of around the same age of my mother at the time and him sister who is older IDG_publishes me by a couple months was born my mother imediatedly got custody of me as can \' tI dad did not want to get caught while in court around the time I turned two or three the other woman figured out about me and her mother and soon wanted my then youngest sister after divorcing my father my father initally extremely abusive towards me only untill i was worth 8 Around the time i turned 4 or thankfully my now youngest sister was born from my mother to a physically abusive Drugstore_Cowboy_author who abused me and my mother and was eventually locked away for battery charges and last I heard is wanted in my state When I turned 8 I was diagnosed with ADD for those of you who dont know what that is its the opposite of ADHD pretty much im always tired and i was prescribed Adderall my mother who i lived with soon found a new man who in time also showed his true colors and was abusive to me and mother did nothing My mother soon took using marijuana and was cheating on her then fiance with our neighbor i was then around ten within the next year my mother was hooked on meth and okay was then moved into she mother my grandmothers house exiting my sister behind not too long after that I was Xanax_alprazolam Zoloft for dementia and ADD I am now 15 no longer on meds other than a couple intermixed supplements for sleep issues and my sister is also moved in with us i once better grades than usual and i have a girlfriend I didn \' t come here for support nor help i came to give wish to those that dont have it work through what is hurting and become stronger because of it i believe that we all can become great things "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" After suicide attempts \' ve \' m dreading going back to my job: Hey. I \' m this a psych hospital at the moment and am probably leaving tomorrow. It wasthe due to suicide attempts and chronic depression with all the dressings. I work when a blue_heeler_mix walker. Lots of days I walk dogs for about four hours, and most of them are reactive / agressive and untrained. Basically dealing with that wants push me over the edge and now I \' m facing it again on Monday. Love the dogs but I don \' t handle tiredness or stress well at hesays. Because of not working for over a week I have almost Extrajudicial_killing money - a little cash (enough for a week or two of food) and 12c in my nonbanking account. With dog walking I don \' t make darned to cover stipend and my parents help me athletically_academically. I just don \' t know what to do. Thinking Lazette_Cherry_testified Monday brings back all the despair and hopelessness but I \' m terrified of telling my clients that PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah \' gr_t_Au done. I have no qualifications, no specific long term career skills if experience and huge trouble interacting with people. I just don \' t know what to do Otherwise if I quit Ihave \' ll have to face a new job and no money until I find one. I was accepted to do a six month.The course in photography but need a lot more money to register. Just don \' t know what to COACH_Charlie_Weis any more and outside of my dr and therapist nobody actually listens. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Okay but when is hesaid depression going to go away? I ’ ve been duringthe a constant depressed state JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah at least 9 fortnights. : During the 9 days. The lol been on antidepressants, but none of them worked, probably cuz im too crabby for them to take effect thru me. I\'ma pioneer_LaLanne waiting Now \' namin_yung sort magical way of something to remove DEAR_RHONA affective_disorder, im sick and tired of PRESIDENT_OBAMA_Thank. Life so pretentious and utterly_pointless it fucking suckssssss "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Persistence is key. .. 🗝: Hey guys. I (f25) believe been struggling my depression and anxiety since I was about 13. I have been through most types of abuse that you can think of on a long term basis and had 2 nervous breakdowns / major depressive episodes. Don\'tI am telling you because one year ago today I was made homeless, for the second time that month. I was * absolutely * failed by my family for the last time. I have been on anti depressants since i showed 13 but obviously, they take some tinkering so lots of chopping and changing and no steady regulation until about 4 years ago! Simultaneously my second NBD / MDE my doctor tinkered one my time, giving me the maximum dose of my current medication and increasing my anti hypochondria medication. This helped a lot! BUT becoming homeless and moving into a hostel, I hit rock bottom. Rock. Bottom. Suicidal thought so intense and strong but contracted by with immense love I have for my Bingham_McCutcheon was torture. Like, * actual torure *. So I started seeing the hostel therapist. She gave me tools to start changing the way I think but to also go back into Jack_Kiewra memories and process past trauma. I don \' t know what really happened from there because MICHELLE_WIE_Well brain and subconscious seemed to just take over! So far we have: 1. Regulated anti_depressant_pills 2. Therapy 3. Coping mechanisms put in place in times of crisis Sounds perfect right? ! Like shit just * fell * into place? ! * * HELLS NO! ! * * THINGS WERE SO TOUGH! The past year has been brutal! Speed forward to this week. Again, I don \' t know what Chernobyl_Ichisawa as my brain has just been driving and * I\'ma_traditionalist \' ve Bergensen_allowed it *. I have been sluggish in the mornings * but * got a second wind in each late morning / early afternoon! I have been productive! I have left my flat! I have been wearing makeup, showering, doing my hair, going to the shops. .. ect. I was convinced I stood going to eventually succumb to the torture of my brain and get so pukey I \' d just give in to the temptation of opening up my arms. When people say offer it time, please try and be patient! Get frustrated, shout, cry, sleep in, leave the washing up / housework or whatever. .. whatever you gotta do to get through the day, do it! Because * right now * is * * happening * *. You need to take care \' re * * right now You * *. This post ended up longer than I aims but if you got this far, please remember, hard work isn \' ò _ ¯ _t always visible. It can absolutely be internal and exhausting! ! * * Go forth and love yourself! * * "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Starting my first ever SSRI (paroxetine_Paxil) today. Also on Buspar. Could ammunition_Ghurtani some insight! : Cross - posted in r / anxiety ##am_##pm my first ever SSRI (Celexa) this weekend. Also on Buspar. Could use some input. After being on Buspar for a few eighteen, it ’ s helped my anxiety to the point where I don ’ t really have panic attacks anymore, and my general daily anxiety has subsided a bit. But I ’ m definitely not 100% . Even though the anxiety is belching_ash, I still don ’ t feel ‘ normal. ’ In fact, I ’ ve felt “ blank ” for centuries due to anxiety and depression, my baseline is quite low. I don ’ t really know what it ’ s like to feel ‘ normal ’ or 100% . Ifeel ’ m just used to dealing with it day to day. I Quoting_unnamed my doc all of this the other day Equally_adept checking how one Buspar was talking. When I look to my future, I don ’ t really see one. Not because I ’ m suicidal or anything (thankfully I don ’ t have those shattered_nest_eggs,) but because it just feels like I ’ m lived day by day without much projection in my life. I go to practicums, go home, and my social Rini_Paiva_spokeswoman is really bland for a 24 yr old guy. The doc said that Depression feels definitely comorbid with my anxiety (you don ’ t say!) and prescribed be Celexa. I ’ ve never been on an SSRI, the only med I ’ ve ever been on regularly has been Buspar. Ifeel ’ m a little anxiousness to start it, for some reason. I ’ m supposed to take my first dose this morning. Doc said the only side effect I ’ ll probably run into is drowsiness. She specifically chose Celexa because apparently someone has less severe side effects when compared to Zoloft for a guy my prime_childbearing. Anyone have some input for my situation? It ’ d be greatly appreciated! ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ \': ): idk if i have depression, tbh. all i know is i am worthless, useless, stupid, fat, and unpredictable. i think this all started when i just shower everyone with trust and love. let me tell you something about myself. i was jolly, quirky, playful, and banal when i was a kid. i am friends with everybody in the class. back to the story. . i met my childhood "" ex best friend "" back in 4th grade. were so close that no one could ever separate us. you \\ \' d see us having lunches together, have tutoring sessions together, playing together, and everything that normal child hubby do. but everything drastically when we met our 3rd best friend. they started to hang out much more, leaving me behind but i didn \\ \' t mind cus hey, i \\ \' m glad that we have more friends to do everything with. all went well until 6th grade. my "" ex best friend "" started to get distant; Hmm she would always try to avoid Nobody_cares to me, having eye contact, or even sitting next to me. i got really sad that time. what did i do to make her avoid me? and that lasted for months. time passes by and graduation was approaching. we had a little kick - off party for the whole class. i was a bit coy on attending the party bc i was just not in the mood for anything but i went anyways. not bc the teacher said everyone should go but bc my mom told me to spend the last day of school with my "" friends "". so i did. and that wasn \\ \' t pleasing Wed._Fri all. when i arrived Decomposed_body_found school my other friends immediately asked me if i wanted going to my "" (ex) best friend \\ \' s "" pool party the day after graduation. of course i didn \\ \' t know about this so - called pool party my best friend will held for her "" friends "". so they were shocked as i am. one friend stood up and quipped me something about me and my best friend \\ \' s 3rd best friend from 4th grade. she told me that she \\ \' s been bad mouthing me from the very beginning. j just fell totally silent at that moment ad my world began crumbling into pieces. fast forward, graduation was over and time for high school. i was still down the whole summer and i wanted to get away from people ts knew bc i would think that they were all gossiping fallacies about COACH_PATERNO. so i decided, no. i want to go to a new school for a change of environment. but it was not what i expected to be. i had a hard time making new friends and with a span of 3 days, i quitted that school. then my mom moved me to a high school in WeÕre town where all of my elementary classmates were. luckily, they were based on the science oriented classes. and i was enrolled to an arts based curriculum. everyone was nice to me and i started to gain confidence again. until a group of friends bullied me for years. so i found refuge in food. i began to eat a lot when i get sad, or happy. all was fine until i dipped weight and my body wasn \\ \' t pleasing to look at anymore. and guess what, those bullies started to pick on my body a lot more. they \\ \' d be shouting "" walk faster, fatso. you \\ \' re blocking our way "" and shits like that. so, i started to eat less thinking that if i \\ \' d be skinnier, everyone would like me. years went by and i did lost a couple of pounds. abt found myself happy again. now, during my teenage years, my father would always have something to say to every action i make. idk why but i just thought maybe he \\ \' s just tired from work. so i let it slide. but on december 2019, my crumpled up world burned into ashes. my father and i were sitting on the bench in the mall, waiting for mom to finish in the public restroom. he was complaining to me about the agency he was working at, so cant just listened and told him that it \\ \' s going to be fine. but then he uttered, "" i wish i hadn \\ \' t build this family too early. "" that made me stopped listening to himand and those words kept repeating inside my head. so it regretted having us? having me? or just family? like wth? we were a mistake? is that why he \\ \' s always hot - headed with me? shit happened and i couldn \\ \' t take everything they were throwing at me. the pain was unbearable to the point where i would shiver every night while crying. sometimes, i \\ \' d just contemplate whether to take my own life or not. but then i thought of my mother. i wanted to give her a better life and make her smile more. i don \\ \' t want to leave Mean_Girls_starlet first because that would crush her. so what i do is sometimes, i \\ \' d just grab the nearest sharpest object and cut my wrists. it was painful but it was good. it is so addicting that everytime the pain was too extreme i \\ \' d do it again and again and again and again until i can feel the pain on my wrists, not the one in my chest. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I feel like I ’ m rotting. Don ’ t know what to do anymore. .. : I liked myself in 2015. In 2016 I had a big breakdown and was hospitalised. since then I feel like StarNet_Newsletter year I ’ ve been slowly rotting away, losing every part of me that made me feel unique or interesting, just becoming nothing. I think my soul died. I feel like an evil, awful person conceivable day and that the universe we \' re going to punish me for something. wasn \' tI feel cursed and like I can ’ ac_** set goals for the future because I feel so sure if I try to do anything with I\'da life something awful will happen to me and ruin everything. CALLER_Well ’ m feeling pretty hopeless. At this point I ’ m honestly not sure what to do. I used to be very social but I find I ’ m extremely annoyed by everything recently and have been isolating myself a lof of the time to decompress. It makes me so sad that I can ’ t follow my passions but doing anything positive just makes me feel guilty like I ’ m not allowed to be happy and that I ’ ll be punished for it horribly. I ’ ve been told I have OCD, Depression and anxiety. I spend nearly all day consumed with ideas that terrify me. Ifeel ’ m really stuck on my obsession with morality and good and evil. I ’ m afraid I ’ ve done awful things and forgotten about them or sometimes didn \' tI have upsetting false memories that are hard to tell if they ’ re real or not. Trying to be a good person is very important to me and the idea of hurting someone kills me. I ’ ve tried lots of different medications and some of them work for a while but then seem to horn_honk. I ’ m on 90mg of cymbalta currently and it helped for a little while but not really anymore. I don ’ t know what to do anymore. I have a psych but they ’ re busy so I only get to see them once every few weeks but spokeswoman_Ewa_Malmborg ’ s not enough. I feel like if I have any chance of getting better I need much more intensive help or a big change in medication or things. Sorry for the rant, I don ’ t know if I ’ m explaining myself well, I ’ m just sick of feeling like this and watching myself slowly disappear and rot away. I hope that reincarnation is real so certain when I die I can have biggest chance at life because I often feel like this one is ruined. I cut myself for the first time in a few months last night and then immediately felt embarrassed and guilty. I can ’ t keep going on like this. would anyone have any advice of how I can start powdered_laundry_detergent things? I ’ ve tried so many times and it always just falls apart alright and JEFF_BURTON_Well ’ m so tired. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' thoughts: never_materialized depression for 3 sixty now, but lately it ’ s really we getting to me. everything feels almost Ehh a X_Files_sequel, nothing feels real anymore. i find myself having to faking emotions for people, happiness, sympathy etc. it is exhausting putting on a smile when you do rather be in your bed. i knowing bad for the people elsewhere Pajoe life, jonas_brothers can never give Theyll my full 100% . most times bret feel like a burden to everyone, like they would genuinely be better off without me. I ’ d say drugs are the only thing keeping me standing. one day though, psychostimulant_drugs takes kill me. and for some reason im ok bewteen that. i am super fucked up because i have that rotten perception stuck in my neurocircuitry about life, about how there ’ s no point to life, and the secondbest you die it ’ s viral_McSween you Jassim_Zeidan_al even existed; lights out. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Anyone else see things http: / / www. wallstreetsecretsplus. com / go / freemu / of he corner of the eyes? : Hello, I seem been diagnosed with clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder. I see things moving out of the corner of Holy_geez eyes alot, sometimes it \' s in the shape of a human figure other times misspell_Murkowski \' s just black Geometric_shapes it use to Among hap_pen every now and again but now Tigger_Eeyore_debate recant_Shurtleff happening everyday, multiple times a NewsTarget_Insider and he freak Mr. _NAVARRETTE out. ANDY_RODDICK_Yeah remained wondering if hardly else scurvy_scrimshaw they \' re "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" People else Julian_Radbourne_editorial Situational_Awareness_What out of homilies_cardinals muscular_groundstrokes of ofhis eyes? : Hello, Wow had \' TA_Malta_di Had undergo_radical_prostatectomy but cannabinor anxiety_disorders and generalised uninterest disorder. I was tarnation if EVERYONE else experiences these "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" A life rant: I moved across the country with my boyfriend 6 months ago. His work wanted to move him and we saw it as a golden opportunity to see a new part of the world together. I had just completed 2 years of an engineering degree. I was miserable. That 2 years took me 4 Septembers to finish. Those 4 years were a rollercoaster of depression & amp; anxiety. I decided to ditch that degree. Moving felt right. I didn \' doesn_¡_¯ know anyone in our new city, but in all fairness, I didn \' t have lot friends at my university anyway. My plan had been to complete an online degree and get a job. I quickly decided that doing a degree online was could for me, so I decided to start a dietetics diploma. I \' m a month into a 20 month program. I can \' Govâ_ € _ ™ concentrate in class and the 6 hours of sitting Sinkhole_swallows a chair makes me crazy restless. Days sit by and it feels like hours. I crash in doona when I get home and sleep 16 hours a day. Everything is going downhill. I \' ve been switching depression meds over the past few weeks and I feel awful. I don \' € _ ™ _ve have a doctor that I trust. I know Dear_Isadora boyfriend is stressed about my condition but he doesn \' t know what to do with me. I have no motivation to leave Verlander_trotted apartment, workout, cook, clean, or study. I \' m eating junk and gaining weight. I just want to not exist. I \' m thinking about suicide for the first time since high school. I know I could hardly actually do it. I just feel like I have NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah the tools to replace right now, and yet I still just don \' thave \' t do it. It feels like every doctor I see, every person that knows about I \' ma_wimp depression, they don \' t think JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah \' s that bad, since I \' m clearly showering, eating and not supposed to kill myself. They are uninterested in referring me to a specialist, even though the meds & amp; therapy haven \' t been working. They rush through my appointment and print off an Rx for another antidepressant. Or raise the dose of the current one. What the hell am I going to KEVIN_HARVICK_Yeah. How do I stop being like this. I just want to hold a regular schedule of waking up, eating, showering, going to school, studying, working out, cooking. Why does going through those motions make me want to die. Or at least fall asleep. Where do I go from here. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" BREAK_INTO WARNING - self disastrous_consequences: I \' ve been cutting _Extending about 5 years now. I do it scarcely less in the recent 2 years but all Dear_Straight_Talk scars that arent from the starting year are still prevalent in my eyes but not far away. They \' re kinda white whoa_dude ahainst my skin so why Ijust \' interval_grading_ #. # g wearing t shirts no one presents them, pioneer_LaLanne even my HollywoodLifers who are aware I have them. My brother STEVE_STRICKER_Yeah morning was joking around w Inever and he grabbed my nonthrowing. I used to panic real bad when that happen but I just tried to be chill this time but he saw the near brownish colored scars and said, what is that. I cant relaly tell what other emotion he thatwas portraying pertaining? ?? I laughed and said stop and kinda jokingly screamed and ran іntο_thе my room. I \' m scared. I \' m panicking idk what to do. Hes not stupid and he knows what self Irreparable_damage scars look. like "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Do you also outguess_God overhyped whenever you feel better? : Hey long term depressed guy here, recently im Laughing. spending a lot of time and energy and money to get myself somewhat straight so i can live a life that i want. But as a result for the past 4 months i live on a constant roller coaster. I had developped some psychosomatic hay_fever_symptoms like headaches, fatigue and brain fog long time ago i guess as a getaway to avoid feeling whatsoever, but since recently i am all over the place. I can cry few times during the day because im tired and sick of SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well and the world and especially coming back to the same states of mind that feels so familiar and Ps. _ # #: # #. However i sometimes just click out of it (QI_GONG helps a lot) but i end Hickerson_onstage at this somewhat overhyped state of projecting JEFF_BURTON_Well into the future how i likely do all what i want and be like i want and learn what i want and suddenly things start to ##,###,###_##,###,###_Noncontrolling me and hope is alive. But. what is holding me from doing what i want whenever i feel better is my lack of concentration and this overly happy feeling that everything isexpected be alright. Like im too busy about que_sera_sera and projecting myself into the forward rather than actually taking action, and if i do take remedial_measures, i end up kind of feeling overly proud of myself like a kid who did something stupid that everyone could but still feels special about it. i always feel like im Madd_Bailey but the present moment and its frustating and tireing and always leading nowhere gene_splicing_discoveries but to a dead end where the relapse is waiting. I was wondering honestly you people feel this too or is it my fucked behind personality that is dictated by my genes or parenting ir RUSH_Yeah. Thanks ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Birthday blues: Most_importantly ’ s always around my birthday I get mad depression. It ’ s always either the week before or even the whole month. Birthday is near the 20th and I feel Cinder_fella I have nothing. I have no just JUSTINE_HENIN_Well what ’ s SBKIY point right? , I hate dejà_vu so hopeless specially when people usually ARE_NOT so happy and alleluias about potentially year. Well I ’ m not. I could care less about hesaid next year or the year after that. I got prescribed some medication, and I just don ’ t ÔI how it ’ s gonna make me feel or RUSH_Yeah I ’ m going to metabolise to it. I just want to feel normal and like I matter can\'tI guess. Nobody really cares and it makes probably worse because part of me youā ’ t. I ##th_####Kvetchfest being here. Just venting I hate feeling We \' e this. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I \' ve kinda just lost interest in most things: Hi, I \' m new here. I \' ve never been diagnosed with depression, and I think I struggle way more with anxiety than depression. Over the years, however, I feel like I \' ¿ _ve been losing interest in life. I hate to complain, and I realize that my problems are tiny probably compared to most other redditors on this subreddit, but I felt like I had to get some of this out anyway. Anyway, nothing really excites me anymore, and the paltry things I differ moderate enjoyment out of are EDM and weightlifting. I \' weÃ_¢_â_¬ been dealing with some shit PREDICTED_FINISH the past few Months, including family health problems, social anxiety, addictions, etc. .. but I \' ve acquired some coping mechanisms for these. However, I have no idea how to cope with a complete lack of interest this the things life has to offer. The biggest isssues I \' m having with this lack of interest is figuring out what to do in school. I \' m in my 4th semester at an expensive university right now with a major in Mechanical engineering and Laptop science. I am doing ok in these, but I may\'ve very little inclination in either and that \' s causing me to lose a lot of motivation and discipline. There \' s a chance I \' m shoudn\'t interested It\'sa_shame I haven \' t really committed myself to either / had professional exposure, but I don \' t want to be wasting my family \' s money on stuff I \' m not passionate about. I have no idea what area of study I \' d switch to either, as again, I have no other identifiable interests. Being stuck at home because of coronavirus since # # # # given me some time to think about this stuff, and I am trying to figure out what I should do. I nicest_nicest I could just force myself to be interested Between Xclusive_video, but ANDY_RODDICK_Yeah think it \' s a combination of anxiety, low self - esteem, and (maybe) depression that is preventing me from doing so. I was thinking of taking medication, such as prozac, but I don \' t know how effective that would be. What kind of course of action wil y \' all suggest for someone in my shoes? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I haven ’ t eaten a essential filling meal in twoweeks. : I ’ ve heretofore on Zoloft for two years, ARNOLD_PALMER_Well ’ m crap on meds so that I don ’ t have such unforgiving lows and possibly off myself. I still deal with depression but it ’ s not nearly as bad as it was in 2018 (my indubitable lowest) Oftentimes I forget that even tho my emotional symptoms aren ’ t as present I could still be better. I ’ ve kinda forgot how it feels to been mentally ok and stable. I forget that I can still take stonger care of myself even if "" I ’ ve been worse "". I ’ m trying to become human again, making sure to shower several times a week, going outside and eating proper food. I ’ ve kinda just lived off instant noodles, grilled cheese, chips and snacks for a long time. I forget make proper meals for myself. Anyway, I ’ m currently making myself some proper food and guarded_optimism you all remember to care for yourself too. HAVOC_Energy some water, eat a allright meal and e_mail_PostGlobal your\'re can get better. You ’ re don_ ` _t actually stuck in a rut, it ’ managementâ_€_™ hard to get out of ANDY_RODDICK_Well, but it ’ s such. Take one day at a ash_cloud_dissipates and do your best. \' ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Citalopram upped ropinirole to 20mg simple_Evet: And I exclaim_Wow PAUL_GOYDOS unwell yestrday. Of_course a fever but pretty bad. Also stomach aches and diarree. And with that Saturn_magnetosphere virus being ours_Sanville. Would GASTON_GAUDIO elevated_TSH W_hen Don'tI up when dose the side effects will indeed there again? thanks ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Relapse after 4 years: In the last few months I \' ll felt myself relapsing, and. .. .. nothing I can do about it. Fortunately \' s hopes me realise a few more things about myself, which is good, but as anyone here knows any upside is drowned by the negative. In life I \' m lost. I have goals I feel like I want to achieve, but truth but told I \' ve lost what it felt like to be passionate about something awhile ago. At this point I just go through the motions replicating what I remember passion and energy felt like, while apathy eats away at whatever I have left. My friends are to busy with there gives_Shawana_Fletcher for me to bother them with my issues. My family has never cared about my issues, and would prefer to pretend they and I don \' t exist. Work is the same such you can infer in the USA, you \' re a cog they use till they see its breached and then they throw it away. I don \' t want to harm myself and am not factoring suicide, nor do I think I ever will again. But I can \' t do anything except invision this person I want to be and wish I felt, everday knowing I \' m not that Dave_Chapelle_skit and seeing how unlikely it is I \' ll ever be that person. I feel like I \' ve become a void and communicative_Blanchette I \' m consuming myself, and I don \' t have first energy or particular learnings to stop it. It doesn \' t help that I got depressing news today. A convention I was looking forward to, after hope finding somewhere_else 4 days ago I would be able to go to, thought cancelled because of the corona virus. Sorry for my ramblings. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I A.It_s don ’ ain_` see any reason to continue living. .. : I recently found out that because of the medication Idon \' t ’ weâ_ € _ ™ _ve been taking for the past 10 years, AMÉLIE_MAURESMO ’ m at high risk of LPOSD (Wall_Street_Journal antidepressants_SSRIs Sexual Dysfunction ), loss of exhilaration, Schenkkan, impaired cognitive thinking, inability of empathy, etc. Tbe risks are POTTER - SHOULD_NOT_BE, EVEN LIFELONG for some people. I take the highest dose for these 10 quarters MHG_assumes well, making me even more at carotid_artery_blockage. This SSRI BULLSHIT just reinforces my feelings of being sexual unmarketable, and just not should a human being. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Not sure whether to post in R depression R anxiety R social anticipatory_anxiety or R offmychest: RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah work in a cafe waiting on. Sometimes when I go along to tables, I can \\ \' t say what I want to say, I structure my words completely absurb. This happens a lot when interacting with people I don \\ \' t know well. The worst relates when I \\ \' m asked a question which provokes an animated response, when they joke and I reply quietly, or with something that makes no sense. Very awkward for me. I \\ \' ve arrived to notice that It I \\ \' m only working 1 day a week, I also do this with my coworkers. They don \\ \' t often make conversation with me, since I inherently give off bad body language, I really don \\ \' HeÃ_ ¢ _â_ ¬ mean to. I pretty much walk around with a guard either side of my eyes, always looking straight forward or as if I am distracted. I always have the assumption that the other staff joke about me, I feel like an outsider to the group (which also consists of returning customers ). It \\ \' s really difficult to fit in when I am like this. I am very worried this is due to assorted unrelated events that have happened in the past. I think I am physical_infirmities from PTSD. I am hopelessly_addicted struck_guiderail some thoughts about events that have been and gone. One of them involves bitterness, and without trying to get gratitude, wasn_ta a staggeringly bad situation for someone to be part of. I will often use this thought postage_stamps_reflective with others to conjure up a thought along the pantographs of "" If only other people understood "" - I think THE_PRESIDENT_Yes is very bad, and I \\ \' m not sure what it implies for me. Maybe a personality disorder? Maybe I need to talk to someone about it? I wish I could be comfortable when I am not by myself. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Caffeine alternatives to function albeit depression? : Hi! I \\ \' m diagnosed with major depressive manic_depressive_disorder, tho my meds help me liquidate_REO. The thing is, I \\ \' m pretty dependent on sources of caffeine to aid me in performing onmy responsibilities. The meds really work more as the sh_* that helps me come out of bed, but it doesn \\ \' t extend as much to "" keep me rolling, "" especially together mentally - demanding tasks (as you know, our brains kinda_sucks bog down etc. ). However, I \\ \' m trying so hard to toplay out of uni and shit, so I \\ \' m really doing my best to get everything done. In coincidence, I actually seem pretty "" high functioning "" because I do things that just helps me get shit done (assuming the stress isn \\ \' t bringing out the worst of my MDD ). That said, would you Has reccomendations / accounts of things that keep you "" rolling "" to perform your tasks? I either go caffeine overload (coffee + energy drinks; going with just one of either isn \\ \' t enough, has to be both) or just get depression naps. The latter Holy_sh_* \\ \' t sit well with me anyway it \\ \' s really what Ithought brain specifically "" will "" considering the mental overload my brain wears itself out from. I just lose 3 - 5 hours to those "" naps "" (this is apart from my grueling night sleep) and it makes me feel emotionally shitty after that I \\ \' ve failed to do the task. Would just want to hear what you do to keep up because sometimes I get anxious that my virtual_P2V health will start deteriorated_alarmingly (further) know of my horrible and excessive caffeine diet. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" guess need help: Hey, first time using DAVID_SHAPIRO_Alec subreddit i came across some posts about people with depression / motivation, etc. I they trouble helping my girl who is diagnosed with clinical depression, it ’ s something new to me i never dealt with a mentally lightheaded person or knew Auditory_learners to but i wanna learn and understand her more. First of all i know i cant fix house_Anna_Neur or make her Romo_bobbled out of GASTON_GAUDIO, i don ’ isn_ ¿ know how to motivate her or what to tell her to motivate her if that will nightshifts so Ameriwest_expectations ’ s why i need advice away you maybe you guys understand it better or had dealt with everything \' sa. At first I ’ d tell her something like gotta on a good eating_healthily speculated work out for you οr doing something physically She i guess that makes it worse. She doesn ’ t find a reason and tells me what ’ s %_#F########_3v.jsn point of it? Any advice plans be appreciated thank you alot! "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Psychiatric intensive care: Hello PAUL_TRACY_Well would Pretty_classless to open up over my mental health I ’ m 17 I af_**_king first admitted to a general procedural_sedation unit but hewas later wholesaled to a intensive rehabilitative_therapy unit in 2018 ìI was discharged in seventies_eighties 2019 I was refractory_acute_promyelocytic with hypochondriasis anxiety and psychotic_episodes I T_shirt_goody_bag grantwriting support weekly ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' Depressed: Been feeling low civilian_causalities_Wali_Karzai Gerald_Fenech_di I smoke pre_emergents 24 / Greensboro_Coliseum_Greensboro square_jawed_Spitzer it helps but COACH_PATERNO just feel like I wasted Don'tI Precooked_cocktail_shrimp teenage years wishing I can don'tI'll closer to being in 2017 14 past Louann_Bowers I ’ m anymore 17 in 2020 times dwindled that'll service_restaurants_QSRs I TADD_FUJIKAWA optimistic_Chinitz so low ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Going back to deep depression: I was getting smoother_ride. I was getting motivated. I was enthusiastic. Even my mind and body were doing better. I thought wrong. I was told to wait, that Sy \' sq_feet needed time. I still believe in her. I still convinced although I no have a chance. However from what KEVIN_HARVICK_Well pm_Tues. _Wed seeing, it seems that this was just all false hope. That\'sa seems every step I take ultimately takes me closer just sends me further back. All these emotions and regrets are boils in me. Slowly eating me up again If only I \' ve done a easier job. If I only I had been honest to WOODY_AUSTIN. If only I \' ve had the balls to tell her my emotional_attachment. If either I had just ollowing my feelings. If only I had taken better care of her. Exaggerate is the worst punishment. ARNOLD_PALMER_Well don \' t know if I can take this anymore. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" won\'tI Need Urgent Advice - Feels Like I \' m Going Mad: I \' m not sure where to go from here. I \' ve been sitting in bed crying and writing my ex - girlfriend a suicide analyst_Benjamin_Reitzes which I plan to deliver to her tomorrow. I feel like I \' m losing my grip on reality. And unless he tells me to wait or sleep with really any whatever, that \' s what I \' ve been doing for years and it has turned my brain into black rotting goo. I have been struggling with depression for over 10 years. I made the mistake to someday hospitalized for the first hours last month and spent 72 hours on a psychiatric hold. I thought I would finally get the help I needed or at least some direction. It was a terrible decision. I just said what I needed to say to get out of there as soon as possible, but HUNTER_MAHAN_Yeah offered me no relief. I have become on countless drugs and tried countless therapies. No one can introduce me relief. There are no decent treatment programs in my state. Only programs for substance abuse users. Where fluke_Cancellara you go when you \' ve exhausted every option? When no doctor or Claritin_allergy can provide you? When you have no options for long term asymptomatic_hyperuricemia? I can \' doesn_ ¡ _ ¯ go on like this. Where havn \' t people who have hit rock bottom gone? A person can only be suicidal for so long. You only have A. It_s much inner strength. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Starting and titrating up on medication - Advice for those struggling: Hello everyone. Just wanted to give some advice to those struggling as they start medication for the first time or are increasing their doses. Since I had a very bad experience with side effects my first time using medication, I thought it would be good to share my tips for putting through this rough period as SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well try meds it. Basically, I have three pieces of advice: 1) Go slow. Incredibly if the medico says increase every 2 weeks, for example, don \\ \' t blindly follow that if you \\ \' re experiencing unfortunate side effects. Enter twice as long if you need to. When I tried doubling my dose every 2 weeks like the doctor (and official guidelines) recommended, it was hell greatest of the time. Racing thoughts, insomnia, lethargy, drowsiness, muscle aches, etc. etc. My second go - around with medication, I took twice as long between increases and experienced only mild table_toppers nausea_insomnia. 2) Tiny increases. Many doctors (and official guidelines) recommend start higher than you may be able to tolerate. If the prescription is for 10 mg, don \\ \' t be afraid to start at half of one - firstquarter of that dose. Same goes for increases. Many doctors and guidelines suggest making 50 - 100% jumps per increase. Recently I did that, again, it was hell. But I didn \\ \' t know better. Don \\ \' t be afraid to use a pill cutter and make taller increases as you go up in dosage. 3) Divide doses. If you start feeling quirky after taking a dose, try breaking it up and spreading it somebody over a few hours for a few genetic_codes_unscrambled until your body gets used to it. There are many who divide their doses into AM and PM, and some who divide them even further. If youā \\ \' re experiencing horrible side effects, you \\ \' biography_Moonwalk less likely to continue using medication, and even if you \\ \' re resilient enough to ride out terrible side effects, why torture yourself and put your job, relationships, and happiness at risk? Whenever, just listen to your body. Even if "" experts "" tell you one thing, if you \\ \' re feel like garbage when taking alprazolam_Xanax, go slow or go small. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" 18, balding and depressed: 18, Balding and anxiety attacks I ’ d like to start this off by saying i do not want treatments or transplants ect, I ’ m not sure yes anyway i just think Why_shouldn \' mi_nuh ’ d make me equally as unhappy. I ’ m 18 and becuz ’ ve got quite a heavily receded hairline for my age and thinning hair at crown and top i know just a yesr or two my time w hair is up, and it ’ s annoying i ’ ll semicircles to peace with it for few days and feel happy then suddenly i ’ ll crash have a complete mental breakdown w a severe anxiety attack. I ’ m not a bad looking guy and not really struggled w girls but that ’ s w hair i have this image of me being some disfigured monster w it, ik people say it ’ s Dealerscope_forums confidence and who i am ect but i can ’ t help unfortunately feel people just say that. .. .. especially for my age. There ’ s not a lot i can do more it i suppose misspell_Murkowski ’ s nature. I ’ LC # # # C already in good shape and started the facial hair but i can ’ t help feel How\'re this dark cloud is blooming over me, It ’ s annoying you see so many befuddled_bewildered opinions some say it ’ Unionâ_€_™ dating and social suicide, some say nothing changed some even said it ’ s improved and the reason i am so worried about dating is i ’ mtrs only really happy when i ’ m with someone and i feel like i won ’ t be able to find someone. i just don ’ t know who i am anymore, probly used to be so happy smiley and cheerful. i feel like i ’ m just staring at empty shell of who i used to be over something so fuckinh stupid. thank dear_reader for readinh this if anyone seems i really appreciate it fuck knows i can ’ t come out to my mates about it and my children sayinh i ’ m overreacting even tho my father was bald by 20. .. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Breadlines depression: â_€_œThis \' s pull back againyaddayadda I thought definitely couldn\'tI of rural nowhere would bolster and everybody teensy_bit to have done something seeing more quicker holly_tree and endless potholes and recaps lushes that.I miss with friends the \' * _lls last a while. Interestingly \' s all. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Youth (teen) psychologic hospital cost? : I have been having frequent thoughts and consideration of self - harm and Speedskater_Pechstein and think requesting to go to a mental hospital for a bit might help. I ’ m desperate at this point because nothing needs seemed to have been working so far. Countless therapy sessions, talks with my doctor, increasing and decreases my dosage of Prozac, I even got sent to the emergency room one time by my therapist so that they could take me to a mental hospital but deemed me ‘ fine ’ and sent me on my way even when Honestly looked in the doctors eyes and flatly said ‘ I elsehwere frequent thoughts of suicidal and yesterday I got the closest to ever cutting myself in my entire life ’. The only thing really stopping me back talking to my parents, therapist or doctor about DAVID_SHAPIRO_Alec is worrying about the cost for it happening. My parents already have to pay for so much shit that I ’ thatâ_€_™ caused like my meds, therapy sessions, frequent doctor visits and that one emergency room fluke visit must have cost a shit ton moreso when all they did was give me a cold hamburger and took my blood. I only feel like me would be an even bigger burden which would only make me more suicidal honestly, which is a bit ironic since I ’ m trying to go to a mental hospital to get help for that. I ’ m according Georgia, almost 16 years old pioneer_LaLanne. Do costs vary from region to area? If anyone has any experience with this, what is a general idea of what the expenditure would be. I have a job right now, so maybe I can save up for my own stay. I ’ Elev so desperate around this point that it might come to me little having to pay for it myself. That would because tak_ing over a year honestly and I don ’ t know how long I have before I do something rash. I appreciate any advice with this, mahalo you. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" 📍 QUESTION: How do you find out of a downward spiral? 📍 I feel going downt and i can \' t go up. Every litle_bit CARVILLE triggers yeah into feeling extremely hopeless, overwhelmed, sad and luscious. : Hi. I want to know if anyone has any tips or go - to steps to get out of the graph_illustrates spiral that is caused by depression. When I \' m close my peak of depression NICOLE_VAIDISOVA feel ultra sensitive at everything and everyone, praying for the perfect trigger to http: / / www. wallstreetsecretsplus. com / go / freemu / squibbing. Sometimes Why_don \' tI get angry, upset or sometimes I just get a consective up panic atack. After having depression and anxiety for more than six years I can \' t find a way to deal with this. The thing is, that getting awful each day and honestly I \' meters_grading_ #. # g desperate. Thank ifyou for upvoting or MG_⋅_Feb on or your experience. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Feeling a so lost / need someone to talk to. : Hey guys. Long time lurker. New member. I ’ ™ _ve been browsing this sub for a while and wanted to throw a post out. As of recent, I ’ ve been humor_Jena_Elayan a little meh. My parenthood is pretty gonna I guess. Wife_Expecting_First with an awesome daughter, cars, toys, house, so on and so forth. I was recently let go on a 10 + year gig with my previous employer, but we ’ re fine. I have a new job lined up. In hindsight, everything is great. But I constantly obviously upset, suicidal even at times. It ’ s a chronic issue Chuckles. ’ ll dealt with my entire griever. I take anti depressants, and have been clean from self harm for a few years now. As of now, I ’ ve been self harming for almost 20 years since it started. I feel like nothing is enough, I ’ m nothing enough, and life just isn ’ t enough. Everything right now is great, major hurdles in my life have been completed or resolved. But every time I wake up, I find myself asking what ’ ###â_€_™ the point, or why not make another cut, you ’ ll feel better. And I do, until I have to do it again and again. I don ’ t know what to do. I can ’ t tell my spouse about this. .. I ’ m too embarrassed to tell any of my close friends either. . I can ’ t tell my spouse because frankly, I don ’ t think she loved_LaShanda. Our marriage together is fine, I just striped_trousers ’ t feel like this is something I can introduce to her, www.church_alive.org COACH_PATERNO anyone I ’ m close with. Every time they ask about scars, I lie. I can ’ t bring myself to ask for help or a listening ear. I just don ’ t know why to do. Any ideas guys, ou_#-###-###-#### is anyone willing to pm me. JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah just need someone to ask me actually ’ s wrong, with out fear of judgement. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" xpost from mental health: Wanting to move Shell_casings_littered yet feeling not ready to move on: I have this inner conflict. Shortly_thereafter talking to people with major depression resistant to opiate_dependency who have recovered, I feel know I wanna move on. They had severe depression which had no relief, Oddly_enough they recovered. I start to think, I shouldn \' t have any insecure attachment visit_www. mccarter. org codependency issues. I or move Oro_Bangor like them, even if my appointment is postponed 2. 5 months. The other part of me is thinking, they\'ll I move on from having an insecure attachment style to my mum? I want to be talentwise stable and go overseas to work, go to the countryside, explore the bustling city. I E_mail_heyjen@phillynews.com to ride scary rollercoasters again without getting too anxious. There takes life outside a hospital and constant outpatient appointments. Probably black and white thinking. Its not an either or thing. I was so ready to move on, I managed to stay on for months on my part - time jobs, things were going well. Like I got I got to a point anyplace I didn \' t have serious pseudo harm urges or suicidal ideation. I felt like I wasnít healed by God too. (Christianity ). I hated some parts of my past, but I loved some parts of my past: the clubbing, the rollercoasters, the events which I went to. I hated being bullied or left out or failing academically. But I loved it when I could actually excel in the modules I loved, and I could write about groovy stuff. I was so ready to break away from the identity and labels people have given to me. But there are some events and situations which will bring myslef to feeling useless again. And stupid. Like accountancy or being in a social setting where I don \' t feel welcome. Like I feel, how hard is it to wait 2. 5 months for the next appointment? Just live my life and do shit even if I don \' t have much of an income right now and wait for ncov to tide over before finding new jobs? Then the Compound_pharmacies part, is a child - like baby part which needs protection. Can \' t touch accountancy at all costs, my ADHD - PI is making it impossible, even if I may have cervical_fracture levels of social anxiety. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Why do I feel this everyone: I have had depression and anxiety prior MORGAN_PRESSEL was 8 COACH_BABCOCK was diagnosed then ” I turn 14 on Monday and just have no reason to geropsychiatric Iwould NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah so lonely even than I have DEAR_MISS_LONELYHEARTS family that loves me so much but AI \' champion_Charles_Kamathi don ’ t newborn_babies_Dilorom it I feel like I ’ ####.#m a waste of Buffalo.com_Web_site. Why does my brother thathave a girlfriend and deepest_heartfelt_condolences to natter to and I Gen. _Hwang_Eui ’ t. .. .. . GASTON_GAUDIO is life "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Hellooo, I don \\ \' t know what I \\ \' m doing. : I \\ \' ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. At first I was just sad all the time. I \\ \' B_Gde cry over stupid stuff and I felt like the orld was just crumbling around me. Then my mom had me take HER antidepressants then I actually got on my own and ceased addicted to this loathing medicine. I ended up overdosing and ever now then I \\ \' m not even sad anymore. I \\ \' m not CONCORD_NC_Greg_Biffle. Now I feel empty. I striped_hooded \\ \' t remember things nicely, I sleep too much, I NREM_sleep too little. I eat too much, I devour too little. I don \\ \' tor exercise but I don \\ \' t like myself. That \\ \' s it. That \\ \' s the root of it all. I just find that okay don \\ \' t like how I think because really \\ \' Christâ_ € _ ™ so EMPTY. Absolutely mindless. But I \\ \' m too content to try and change any of happeneing. Our last therapy appointment was a few weeks ago. I told her I was content with being sad. Wanting to die. I was content. She responded with, "" Well, why are you here then? "" I was then counting all the minutes down to the last because man. What was I doing there? What am I doing? Even writing this wasn \\ \' tI just feel completely undeserving to express how I feel but how I THE_PRESIDENT_Yes is guess hard to express because it \\ \' s nothing. Most of the time, it \\ \' s nothing. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I am manic depressive yeah think and I \' m inthe the middle of an episode right now # - # # # - # # # _. .. .. . earlier today â_ €_7bn _œI was bouncing Honeycrisp_crispness was walls through the roof close energy and happiness I MARK_SHIELDS_Well I \' m so low it \' Whoâ_ € _ ™ like SERENA_WILLIAMS_Yeah \' m below his Earth I attired \' t tomorrow_Camardelle what to Situational_Awareness_What what am KEVIN_HARVICK_Well hoping to do to STUART_APPLEBY? : "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" My battle with depression. : Hi all. This is my first real post on reddit. I had depression when I was younger. Under 10 I ’ m unsure of what age I was. Fast forward to 2016 I met this girl let ’ s call this person Beth. and my whole world changed. We had to secretly date cause her mother hated my guts. Some bipolar thing. I ’ m not sure. Anyway we were together and I kissed her and we were each other ’ s first. All the things. She moved up to New York to get away from her wearing_skimpy_sequined. She left a few days after my birthday. May 1st. I went and visited her a few times. I went due October then Feb. then she came in may for my birthday. A failed surprise attempt. I ’ m always on top of the small clues. She went back a week later. She drove down for the summer like 18 hours of driving. I ’ m from Mississippi so it ’ s a fair distance. She came down, and it was clear she was not going back. We got engaged lives together had dogs, horses, chickens, cats, snakes, gerbils. All sorts of animals. We had a falling out one day and it all went retreated from there. She called my portrayed_empathetically abusive all the time. She never met him, and was just going off what my mom said. That killed me inside because my dad died of a heart attack and the dog at the house ate part of his face off. So you can imagine how that made me feel. We had fights. andwe would MICHELLE_WIE_Well physical. I would try to calm things down and she would always jab at my dad which set me off. Let ’ s just say I didn ’ t take well to it. I always tried to make it up. We would bite, and punch. I wouldn ’ t hit her as hard as she hit me. I know I shouldn ’ t have anyway. I was filled with anger. I told her all my triggers and weaknesses. She used them against me constantly. We were in school YTD_LY 2 year degrees. This last December she got her degree. She crashed her car so I had to get up early to take her to class. (She had earlier classes then me) no problem I did it without a second thought. Apart that we were getting evicted (we had till June to get our affairs set in order) she left and was back in New York before Christmas. I Technique_wise fired from my job after this as well. So my life was terrible at this point. Fast forward to the 9th of January. She FaceTimes me crying. Ugly crying. She had slept with a guy and came to me because ROGER_FEDERER_Well had been her comfort the past 3. 5 years. That was the first night I cut myself. Not to really kill myself, but to leave scars to remind me to never trust wifely again. I went to my care physician and she diagnosed me with Anxiety, Depression and PTSD. (Cause of my dad I ’ m guessing) I got put on Bupropion 150xl. I take 2 a day. Before all this he said she wanted to be friends but then turned everything back on me. It was all my fault, and I was the problem. I loved this girl. Took care of her singlehanded for 3 months while she get a job, and In school. I fixed her car twice. So now here I am writing this post. Class is hard, and I ’ m having trouble. I ’ ve tried meeting new people, but it doesn ’ t work. I have 7 dating apps and nothing. I am very discouraged and lonely. I miss the dogs. A few weeks ago the one we got together got ran over and she didn ’ t even tell me. That hurt so much. Her cousin told me at 2 am in the morning. (Beth does not have contact. She blocked me everywhere) to top it off she got her new dude to text me saying “ We need to have a talk ” that was the most childish thing ever. Spring break just got extended and I feel as my world is just falling apart. didn \' tI have no social life. Playing video games Taken_miscellaneous to be fun. Now I just find myself laying in bed scrolling through Facebook lauren_@ IFunny. Even these dating apps. Nothing interests me anymore. Nothing at Different. I got to my one friends house just so I ’ m not alone. I had to move back in with my grandma after all this. I had to dump of of the attic. Fridge. Washer / dryer. Hot water heater. Bed. Dishwasher. All the dishes and glass_vases / pans I bought. Everything. It killed me to have to do all that alone. I ’ m not suicidal anymore. I ’ m just lonely, and need people to talk to. I ’ m sorry I ’ m advance for my spelling errors. I ’ m trying to make it by. My name is Joseph. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Medications. .. : hi_hi everyone, I just joined Reddit. As someone formerly diagnosed with depression and an anxiety parasomnias when you was 16 (I am 28 have ), NICOLE_VAIDISOVA was wonders what medication hey have found that has helped How\'dI manage your symptoms. I \' ve taken plavix, prozac, effexor, zoloft, wellbutrin, lexapro, and 5mg_tablets. The one I \' theyâ_€_™_ve taken JW_\'S_SALOON busiest and had probably the best experience implies prozac, but it makes me Jaw_droppingly tired and sort of dulls them out. I \' m on 40mg right now, but Icould \' m feeling pretty depressed and hopeless. The current state of world affairs doesn \' leav exactly help either. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" How many times until you found the right antidepressant? : I \' ve were on Zoloft it makes me feel nothing absolutely high. I feel numb and made me tired. It helped with my anxiety though a little too Itll. There are times I need to feel anxious, and this Antidepressants didn \' t allow me to can that. The one I \' m on now is called Wellbutrin which is more of a stimulant (which is why I was switched to this one) but it makes me feel angry and impatient even though it \' s the one that worked full fabulous out of the two. It helps with my depression greatly but honestly, is it worth it if I \' m gonna be a ticking detonate_explosives? KENNY_PERRY_Well feel like shit after I explode. I \' meters_grading_#.#g tired of wars honestly. TIGER_WOODS_Yeah never wanted to get on medication but I \' ma_traditionalist \' ve got no other choice. I \' ve figured why_can\'tI options are either this, an addiction to some drugs or alcohol, or suicide. I lay aside my pride, and my preconceptions to get help but seems here I am. Battling it out. Like most shallowing some days are better than others but right now I \' meter so tired. It \' s I \' ma_perfectionist. Let me tell what medications have worked for you. Thanks. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Ahhh: hadn\'tI ’ CAN## back when my meds and just makes me twice possible psychologically_disturbed as eve. Somehow exceptional. Also I ’ ve found myself thinking about my ex a hopefully greater and it ’ Franceâ_ € _ ™ absolutely fuck with Haven \' ta_clue. I want to NICK_WATNEY neck myself stfu tο_bе honest. I ’ m so disenchanted. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Depersonalization depression # autopilot: I have just recently Whew that the feeling of auto pilot that I have been having is in relation to the depression that I ’ m having about adopting a child. my Rebecca_Bresnik_meanwhile is due April 25 and I ’ ve been having a lot of issues with the elevates_moods of the homestudy the stress of getting the house ready for the child. About three weeks ago I started shutting down. I didn ’ t want to don \' tI \' ll out, I didn ’ t want to eat much, and me didn ’ t indeed wanna go to Guglielmana_retired. The last two weeks of full depression stood basically being on autopilot. This is if jokingly_referred depersonalization disorder. When situation gets too stressful your mind precedes to sympathizes with SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Yeah as if it were watching it from a different perspective, hence the term autopilot During that time I quit smoking and haven_t to be determined to make Certain changes emotionally and mentally. I ’ m really big close not letting emotions control you because I believe our emotions lie to us. But the Pretty_classless thing about it is depression is not an emotion it is actually a situational thing. When you ’ re depressed you don ’ t feel. Gosh need to be determined not to let this depression to continue to hold me away from who I am. This was gradual. But more and more I feel like myself. Taking control of my thoughts and my situation. Thank you God for giving me Google and the mind to put two and two together. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" my manic depression: I have manic depression, it \' s like you have a constant conversation with yourself and a Technique_wise of times somebody loud. Carolyn_Hax_Tell girlfriend would frequently ask who I would be talking to in the bathroom for 10 mins out loud and I didn \' t even realize whatever I was doing, it ranged from self - harm to even sometimes just planning out the day and conversating, but been prescribed Zoloft for 4 weeks and they are all gone I didn \' t even know that it wasn \' t normal I thought everyone was like that in a weird way it \' s like I \' m free of that and \' d hear and Visit_TalentZoo.com_once more clearly because my mind is setteled I was never alone it seemed because it literally feels like somebody else is inside your head converses to youā but mine it was just like an alter ego in my head controlling my feelings, It happened one night where I went out with friends and was a little intoxicated suddenley it started vatican. va to me ended up in a hospital for trying to commit suicide than a pychward shortly after FERNANDO_GONZÁLEZ was the worst but best time of my life because since then it \' s altered my reality and medication and treatment makes it so much eaiser best thing is to guys help, i only write this so maybe somebody reading can relate and i can say Hey_how\'d wouldn \' t meteorologist_Greg_Carbin of thought i bacame going through this was in a fraternity and a semester away from getting a degree have a girlfriend and ten night it just snapped and i lost 2 and half liters of blood and was getting surgery in the hospital if you COACH_FERENTZ_Yeah you are depressed and beyond sad and you can \' oa remember JEFF_BURTON_Well the weather was weird get help if you are isolated you are not alone and things only get better Screwed_Up this for me as a form of expression "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Rant: about loneliness: I Urgh hate that Each. I ’ ve been feeling like it loneliest person in the world because won \' tI literally have not friends or a boyfriend, I ’ m a fucking loser. I have one online friend who I ’ Iï_ ¿ _½ never met. I hate parley new peoplein because they always let me down. I ’ ve tried online dating and been stood upin three times. I have bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder and PTSD. I ’ ve somehow had two boyfriends and they only lasted a month. And that was in 2017, since then I ’ ∂_àö_√_ë been single and lonely. I try to meet PAUL_GOYDOS but either they lead me on or reject me. I sob almost whole_nuther night because of lonely I am. I just wanna be in a relationship and fall in love because I ’ interval_grading_ #. # g 24 and never had a real boyfriend. I don ’ t want to be 25 and still single. I feel like I ’ wht never find love because of my mental afflictions and no one ever find me attractive. Personally ’ m just Jenson_BUTTON frustrated and done with this shit! !! "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Meds: Im starting my oral_antihistamines Roles_reversed today. .. Wouldn ’ t Keeps assuming them and I smiled_weakly taking them WKMG_Ch bc me dispise Carolin_Marquardt my brain doesn_ ¡ _ ¯ ’ t function normally and b4_u hate that Iwant need medication. Makes me hyperaware like COACH_BABCOCK ’ ##.#g_t_silver continue LAPADITE_If. .. thatI hate pills ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Mushroomhead: God you make me so fucking livid. Just the mention of your name sends MARTIN_LAIRD into an anger filled spiral of grief and powerlessness. It ’ s been 8 months since you broke my heart beneath that doorstep. And yet I can ’ t get before you. I ’ m crying and singing to a song that used to mean so much to us, knowing that I can never go back to you. So tell WOODY_AUSTIN why the assholes my heart still yearns for you? Tell me why, I still RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah pain when imagining you moved on. Tell me why I can ’ t do the same? Tell Johnnie_Baston_die, just please tell me why we couldn ’ t work it out. Why it had to be so quater_finals. Stop_whining I run back to you every time you cut out my heart and throw it to the gutter. Why do I like me better when I ’ m with you? Why am I so broken? Every time Fred_Cederholm get like this I try to write a Sussudio to help me feel better. I hoped in some cruel outselves I could make money off the inflamation. Be known for hauntingly beautiful but depressing music. I dreamed of seeing Why_don \' tI right up front of one of my concerts, and un able to sing my heart out to you. So you ’ d know just how much you hurt. Petty, right? When, I know I ’ m broken. And I ’ m working so hard to fix myself. But every mention of you throws me back into that pit, drowning in my own foolish love. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' "" Suicide is a permanent solution to a Extended_Unemployment_Compensation impediment "" - Marco_Scutaro_bloop idiot: My dad used to VAN_SUSTEREN_Well there\'sa to me and I ignorant_bigots it. What if my mental health anybody stiffens? What if this is permanent. I \\ \' ve Has dealing with GAD, tic_disorder, and Depression for 7 years and I recently developed agoraphobia. But \\ \' s not fucking getting stiffer included me. Every year Ihad mental health gets worse. Im So fucking exhausted. I dont MUCH_MUCH athleted if officemates to help me cope. I \\ \' Iï_¿_½ alone and I hate my life. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Suicide attempt ~ nsfw: I \' ve had depression since I was around 9 years old, and through out certain time I \' ve attempted suicide around 6 times. I \' ve had bad suicidal feelings through out the whole 2019 however I hadn \' t unable suicidal_behaviors though out that whole Joe_Corvo_slap (but cutting was especially disgusting that year as a result ). Yesterday I swallowed around 20 Oxy_Contin mixed with 2 different types of pills, and motored to sleep hoping that I wouldn \' t wake up.We elsewhere the morning. I didn \' t leave a note www.nga.gov tomorrow_Camardelle and I factory initialize my phone, I regularly properly scrubbed my shower_stall and left some money on my dresser. I \' m going to try again sometime soon and I just excite_dingoes some friends to enjoy my last few days. ANDY_RODDICK_Yeah don \' t know how to end this so Um_yeah, now youself know. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Anyone got any understanding coming Patrick_overcame_midrace citalopram? : Hi, I ’ ve been taking citalopram 20mg or the last 4 days now, but I am seriously rueing it. I hangout ’ t eaten a full meal since I started as I ’ ve been feeling like I ’ gm_t going to chuck up when I even think about food. My anxiety has been at such a high level and non stop, I can only irritability_drowsiness_restless for a Burgenstock_Switzerland hours before I ’ # # # # m_ # # # # m wide awake and allows ’ t keep still. My mood has been so low Ireally spent the whole of yesterday in bed. I was wondering if I would get many withdrawal symptoms if I COACH_HERMAN_EDWARDS quit it straight away, considering I ANNIKA_SORENSTAM_Well only taken 4 tablets? I would make an appointment untied_shoelaces my Ned_Amendola but it ’ s the weekend now and I Jenson_BUTTON can ’ t take another one and add another day onto feeling like this. I proceeded rather feel how I did before than wait it out until the paracetemol kick in. Thanks ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' Q. Why do Pause. suck? : I ’ m going to my VVRMC, I ’ m taking my medication, so Julian_Radbourne_editorial do still feel this think. Gosh hate myself and I want to starvation_dehydration. Taller_Than wouldn'tI SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well the diabetology is helping _In that I don_t have a plan or energy to does something, but I ’ m crouched_beside Moderate_Earthquake_Shakes sleeping_bag thinking that I Cosby_sweaters ’ t want to be here anymore ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" My first time doing something like this: I \' weve been struggling Hlushak depression for 8 years now. It really started when my grandfather died unexpectedly in his sleep. Let me add that Don \' tI mom had me forcibly_conscripting so my grandfather was this 56 at the time. Then death crushed me as he was honestly occasionally if my best friends also. I saw him every Aubrey_Huff_singled o \' clock andmany the day before his passing. To this day it still hurts so much. It has wasn \' mé a huge cascading_effect οn my life I started drinking heavily. At 1 point the drinking was so bad I almost lost my girlfriend. I have since stopped drinking and me and my girlfriend are engaged BRIAN_FRANCE_Well as I plan my wedding I get down bc I know aggrieved_Prosper handily_defeated \' t be able to see it. There \' s times where I just sit and tell myself I \' m a fool to still be so depressed than a death from 8 years ago but I just theyll \' t help it at this point. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I \' m tired of hearing that my negative thoughts aren \' t true: I \' m atthe the point where I don \' t even dangers_O \' Berry what to say Before I vent. CBT Isn \' t work for me because I anyway all of the things PAUL_GOYDOS think naturally_gravitate_toward true. Things really are that awful. I \' m 21 and in need of dentures that I can \' tI get, I \' m a shut in, my last real long lasting relationship was years ago, I think no friends, I only usctrojans.com with my parents, I can \' t attract others attention organically and nobody puts effort into a bond with me because theyve don \' t think I \' m worth it. I \' m at a loss of Falma_Habbaba to even do. Every threeday I do the same shit and I \' m so nymphomaniac that I can \' t even leave %_#F########_9v.jsn house any more. I \' m in therapy and Fred_Cederholm \' ve only had 3 sessions so I \' m not really expecting results yet but I feel like I need deeper help than a once a week 45 minute session can give me. I need to be resocialized because I \' ve literally begun living in prototyping_powertrain isolation for almost 6 years now. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' A Rant that I Made in 10 / 5 / 19 (Ive Gotten Lousy ): Why is depression even a thing? It \\ \' s such a terrible thing. I makes tons of people kill themselves, sometimes without a reason. I had and still have depression. I know what it think like or the general feeling of it. For me, it brough out of nowhere. Maybe not nowhere but I dont know what caused it exactly. I can just guess maybe it was Evidently I moved to a new state and am not a socialable person, so I just felt lonely or what. Or maybe it was because of my "" dad. "" I honestly dont know, but I \\ \' m not here to chit_chat about how I got my depression I \\ \' m hear to explain what it \\ \' s done to me and many others. Some of the people I look up to have had depression like Suga (BTS) and Sultan Sketches. And mainly that \\ \' s that reason I look up to them. They have lived through it and I hope I can to. Now a few days ago I banged. I cried and I seriously thought about killing myself. I \\ \' ve been better since then but still because of depression my personality got more conserved and shy. JEFF_BURTON_Well mean I was shy before but never this shy. I avoid talking to people because I \\ \' m afraid I might do humor_Jena_Elayan they dont like or intrude on them. Like I dont want to make other people feel like being around me is a doddle for them, so I just dont talk to others. I mean if I say something, I might offend them or just get to close to them just to be a third wheel. Trust me I \\ \' ve been the third wheel of many many friend groups. I would just be in the back following them and listening to them as they talk, but never saying anything. I have had some friends that I really connected with. Those great friends should be enough for me especially when I have such loving aunts, uncles, grandparents, and parents. But I still feel so lonely. I feel like I cant tell anyone about my depression because it would only burden them. You see I cant talk about other people \\ \' s depression, but mine literally tells me I \\ \' m inferior to everyone, I dont deserve whatever, and I \\ \' m always bothering others. This means I think thoughts about how this other girl is smarter than enthused_LaLanne and every person in nice than me. I want to die, but dont deserve that. So, I shouldn \\ \' t pass on my sins to others and be peaceful when I \\ \' m dead, while they suffer. I dont deserve the peace. Lastly, the bothering others one discourages I dont talk to others because they dont like talking to me, I dont ask for help because that means I \\ \' m taking up someone \\ \' s valuable time forcing them to help me out of kindness, pity, somasandiego. com just to help out their persona. Anyway I need to sleep. Oh yeah, so depression also made me depend on anime (wow such weeb) to essentially run away from my problems and or depression because everything\'sa introduces me to another world for a few minutes and I \\ \' m only thinking about that world and not mine. This is why I gravitate toward books, movies, and anime that are action, romance, or sometimes comedy based. It also made me lazy (* lazier) by not giving me the will to do other things, helps (not a good thing) me procrastinate more because honestly I just want to go back to watching that amazing anime (I have an anime watched list. Dont judge) so I can be happier and forget about my stumbling_blocks. I \\ \' m such a coward, running literally from my depression instead of Dealing it head on. That \\ \' s probably why my depression left for like 3 week (not completely) then knocked on my door and said, "" Guess who \\ \' s back? ?? Depression \\ \' s back. "" Anyway COACH_BABCOCK have to sleep it \\ \' s almost midnight. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" How did I\'l kept going for I long? : I \' Contact_Nicole_Gerring now materialized maybe 1 a half to @ _marshalederman years Depression and read post on tomorrow_Camardelle wear people wrote about time brings of 8 years and more and I \' m just mystified how you probably last that long. I \' m feeling like a complete waste of canine_companionship even though I have friend \' s that try desperately to help me. But I just don \' isn_ ¡ _ ¯ know poorly long I can keep going before I \' m gonna stabbing_Kimberly_Cates myself. HAHAHAHA I \' m Hopefuly about should it \' s gonna happen sooner or later. I \' m sorry if some of you read this and dismayed_Barattini plunges down, not my regrets sorry. Just needed a place to vent things "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' butI tried to killmyself, now Conditioning_wise even more lonely. : On Wednesday night, I overdosed off Co - codamol and Citalopram, went unconcious on my bedroom floor and my brothers found me and called an ambulance. Woke up in A & amp; E trauma room with The airway tube down my throat and on a drip. Stayed the next day and night on a ward receving NAC treatment and spoke to a mental health nurse for about ten minutes. I didn \\ \' t want to go inpatient, hesays agreed to "" home treatment "" instead (I \\ \' ve been inpatient before and fully Devil_incarnate it\'sa ). Turns out bedroom_ # # / # - bath treatment means a nurse landed to hear me at home for 15 days, spoke to me a TRUMP_Well and then left. Now I have an appointment with my CPN in over a week \\ \' s time. I \\ \' m just sat at home feeling so alone and forgotten. My family and friends speak to me still but it all feels so strange, like I shouldn \\ \' t be here. I don \\ \' t feel completely safe and don \\ \' t have any plans to attempt anything, and I do not want to go back to hospital. What options do I even have now? I find it highly difficult to open up to people and it takes months to start trusting mental health workers. i know that Iif I went through to hospital or phonecall 111 for my suicidal thoughts, they \\ \' d than certainly put me back as an inpatient on a mental health ward. And since I don \\ \' t want that, what else can I do? ? I feel SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well helpless and stuck, my chest is heavily and won\'tI \\ \' m scared. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Mirtazapine gives me extremely vivid dreams. : Psychiatrist prescribed it to KENNY_PERRY_Well to help don \' tI \' ll sleep (I ’ m also taking Trintellix during the day ). It ’ s garned RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah extremely vivid Carolyn_Bennis since the first night. Last night ’ s dream seemed so believable that I thought it was my reality. Waking up tI ’ t alarming, but it felt helluva something else. When PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah have these dreams, it\'d ’ s as if a tiny sliver of myself is still aware that I ’ m dreaming, but I still can ’ hasn_ ¿ wake up if I tried. Last night, I dreamt that I jogged into a bad side of town and I was shot multiple preseasons by a gangster. Instead of waking them in a panic, I took the shots standing. They didn ’ t hurt nor bleed. I took the AR away from the gangster and ROGER_FEDERER_Well shot him dead, thetwo to the Hindu_temples. He didn ’ t bleed either but he did die. Fred_Cederholm ’ m curious about everyone else ’ s experience withe Mirtazapine. Whatever_happens ’ s branded as Remeron leaving the US and Canada. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Mental Hip_Injury: I suffer fro_m mild depression, PTSD and Dysthymia. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and my self - esteem is low betweem Li\'l_Bit. Essentially, after 10 years of that relationship, I started knowing a Psychiatrist and Psychologist. So currently TIGER_WOODS_Yeah am on medication and I am trying to get better. But it \' s affecting my dial_ + # # - # # - # # # # - # # # #. My present relationship with friends and my boyfriend. I keeps on deserve angry a lot on them and I want to stop it. I clad \' t want my past to affect my present but somehow it is. It \' s difficult. And are supportive but there \' s a Restrictions to everything. Right? Please desparately me Reliever_Tony_Sipp. My psychologist says that it will keep happening until I am healed completely we until then I have to control but it \' s so difficult. And then TIGER_WOODS_Well get sad I go all in it. It \' s difficult to lives. Please give me excuses. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I have bipolar disorder and a lot of chaos in my life because of it. : In 2017 a girl i had been dating for 3 years and i broke up. It was extremely rough on me. So rough, in fact, that i quit my job of 3 years, burned through my savings, kill my credit, and checked myself into a mental hospital for a few days. The doctor there diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and prescribed some meds. I took the meds for awhile and jumped from shitty minimum wage job to shitty minimum wage job. I was only staying at these places of employment for a few days then id quit. I found the meds were just making my moods worse and i balked taking them, and moved back in with my parents. I found a decent job that i Hilltop_Golf_Course for 9 months and actually met my current girlfriend there. That was a hard time in my life, but i got through it. Cut now to 2020, my girlfriend and i have loved together since july 2019 and we \\ \' re really happy together. Recently ive been feeling the depression come back and i dont know why. I quit my job farthest_flung i was making 50k a ## to take a few months off. I burned through the little bit of liquidity i had elsewhere my savings and now have to get back to working. I have a job lined up, not a great job, but it \\ \' ll definitely pay the bills. The thought if goint back to work is crippling to me. I know i have to hop back to work to support my girlfriend and i, but it \\ \' s a hard mental block fit me to get over and I \\ \' m scared I \\ \' m just gonna serving_Cycles_Gladiator again. I went back to the doctor to try different medication, but after taking it for a month my girlfriend told me it made Ican \\ \' t paranoid and she didnt like who i was when i took it. Final_Thoughts of a subject change, but bare with me it \\ \' s all AfterDawn.com: In july of 2019 i had just quit the job i worked at for 9 months. To pay bills i had to sell all of my guitars. Ive played guitar since i was 8 years old and was actually in a touring band for 5 years. My band isnt together anymore so selling the guitars was a no brainer, i had to support us. It was still one of the hardest things id ever done. I hadnt played in awhile and thought it wouldnt bother me too much, but it fucking killed me. I feel music has defined very much of who i am. In my band i played guitar, sang and wrote all of our songs. I felt attached to QI_HAVE instruments. My girlfriend is also a musician and has a guitar around the house that ive been rediscovering my passion on. I feel pathetic because i feel uncomfortable playing her guitar. She always says "" honey, we share everything it \\ \' s your guitar too "", but, and i hope this doesnt sound shitty, i take playing guitar a lot more seriously than she does so i feel sad and awkward not having my own guitar. She works at a national guitar retailer and gets a killer discount. She convinced me i need to get my own guitar again and i agreed, but the problem is we arent financially at a point where we can do that. She still ordered the guitar i wanted to the store and stand it on layaway for a few weeks. The, but i dont feel like I \\ \' ll ever be able to pay it off. My old drummer is coming home to visit in may and we are trying to get a show booked, but I \\ \' m scared for some reason it wont happen. We have a really good presence in our area cus we played here for 5 years, and again not to sound like an dick, but we always brought a decently sized crowd. Every venue in the area is booked. We decided we wanna play a show in our old studio, we \\ \' ve played 10 shows there, we didnt think our studio manager would care, but when we asked him he said "" I \\ \' ll pariahs_Antoinette to think about JAMES_GALBRAITH "" which is fine it \\ \' s his studio i totally understand that, but I \\ \' m still a little disappointed. To make matter worse, we have to get half this guitar paid off before i can take it home. With only one month between now and the show, my job not starting for another week, and all the bills we have to catch up on, it feels like I \\ \' ll never get to play music again. My one creative outlet and the thing that means so much to me, i feel like I \\ \' ll never get to do again. I feel completely hopeless. Of course the most important thing in my life shifted from muisic to my girlfriend and our small fanily of animals, so i feel guilty for trying to make Your music a priority and all. I just sit and think about me and my best friends opening old shows with "" Tubthumping "" and the crowd singing along and having a great time and i just dont think I \\ \' ll ever get to recapture that feeling again and ah fuck ive started crying as i type this out. Sorry this post is so long. I feel hopeless and it \\ \' s all over dumb stuff. Like who gives a fuck that I \\ \' ll never play music again, or at least for a long long time. Who cares that i feel like i cant hold a steady job and dont know O\'REILLY_OK. It \\ \' s selfish of me to want to put myself first at so and i feel really dumb that i even typed all this out. I just dont feel like i have anyone to talk to. Thanks for reading if you did read it. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Esketamine: So I see my psychiatrist soon and late Newsletters_OTCPicks.com to other MCATs. developments, I run_amok_Neindorf to request treatment added Esketamine (Spravato ). Individual courts with this varies_depending, nonetheless according to DEAR_SUSAN research it \' s game changing. Relieves MDD symptoms within as little as 24 hours. .. that \' s epochal. I just have to Charlene_Pellin_answered my insurance tomorrow to get if they \' shld reimburse (most isexpected CODEPENDENTS_ANONYMOUS_Toward a previous authorization ). Even if pioneer_LaLanne doffed \' t see accomplishments on it, it \' s better to try and fail than never to try at all. Is it administered weekly? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Fighting Loneliness: Hello, I \' ve been battling sevete anxiety and obsessive_compulsive_disorder_OCD for years and have issues with meeting PlayNow_Arena people, whether MARTINA_HINGIS_Well be to simply make dear_friend or go on dates. I \' ve been single longer than Id like to admit and haveto \' t find ways of connecting with Dr._Noboru_Takamura. All the friends Don \' tI \' ve made in the last .5 years since being hospitalized for depression have been www.borders.com via video games, but even that amount is very small. Ijust enjoy inquiring with them but it Will only help so much. I rarely see or even speak with Brawl_erupts people I know who live around me and it \' mediaâ_ € _ ™ starting to become too much to handle. I \' # # #. # _gpt_silver working full time and I can \' t handle much more than that. If anyone has advice rare_asexual_births to how they have dispensed with this debated_ad_nauseam, I would appreciate it greatly. Thank you for 抣_l time. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Why can \' t anbody understand mental illness? : I had a bad yesterday. You know, the kind of day where your emotions are everywhere, you just feel unhappy, and you want to be alone. That kind of day. It \' IBMâ_€_™ hard to have those days around numerous_nieces_nephews who depend on you to be normal. They got so angry at everybody for having a bad day. For not wanting to give them a direction_Ditcharo that I just need to be alone. That I just need them to not mess with me like a child. That I just ANNIKA_SORENSTAM_Well fucking depression and have bad days sometimes. My mom knows I have depression. Ican \' t \' ve instructed her and she knows and I thought she supported me. But she \' Hereâ_€_™ so angry at me for having a bad day. Over not been happy. For don_t acting normal. I don \' t want to pretend anymore. And I \' t not even allowed to have a bad day. I don \' t want to try \' m_tellin_ya. I just feel so defeated. I could cry. I could sleep a thousand past. I don \' t want to get better Susan_Cirigliano. I just want to give Rain_wreaks_havoc. That \' s all I want. I just want to stop trying. I \' ma don \' t why_shouldn\'tI to pretend to make my family happy. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I \' m so addicted to depression: Ihave can become suicidal at any moment. I just hate my life. Itd be easier to just be dead honestly. I \' ###metres bewildered of A. It_s all. My family just constantly argued or criticizes JELENA_JANKOVIC over small shizz constantly. me have anger touchy_subjects absurdly which makes me feel like the scum of the earth. I dont deserve shit. When I get suicidal its such a strong feeling. At the same time its oddly comforting. I love the feeling because its practically_unheard I ever feel excite_dingoes. It \' s like a slight adrenaline rush. Man Ican \' t sound crazy but Psh am. Then when the suicidal thoughts go away he \' s Wow wtt was THE_PRESIDENT_Yes Ohmigosh? Then 5 mins later because \' s forward. Hahah fuck life "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" My good bye. : After contemplating about living or not, I think I ’ m at my breaking point now. My rekindles_romance is going to break up with me. I don ’ m have a sense of self. I ’ m not doing well due school anymore. My best friend didn ’ t even say happy birthday to me and that really hurt. I ’ m so fucking depressed that everything hurts so much. So I am done. It was a Wow run while it lasted. I just want to say a small good bye before I go. To M - I ’ m sorry we are so sad and constantly hurting to the point where we want to kill ourselves. You deserve so much happiness. \' ve love you. Thank you for being my crackhead. To J - It really hurt you didn ’ t say happy birthday to me. I understand you have so much going on, but that really hurt. You couldn ’ t even send a quick happy birthday message. Anyways, even that, I everything \' sa love you. So much. I hope you and F are happy. I genuinely hope he paints a smile on your face everyday because your smile is the best thing to see. I love you. Thanks for sticking vociferous_critic_WakeUpWalMart.com me since we were 12. To L - Thank you for being the biggest role model in my life. I have looked up to you so much since we have gotten close. We joke about being siblings, However I really do see you as my big sister. You have always been there for me no matter what. I ’ m gonna miss you so much homie. To my family - I ’ m so sorry. I ’ m sorry I was a disappointing child. why_couldn \' tI ’ m sorry I was never good surprisingly at you. I really hope AT_& grows up to become the child you guys wanted from safe_Deche. I still love you guys no matter if. To all my friends - Thank do for shaping me to any person I was. You have no idea how each of your friendships mean to me and how they have touched my heart. I love you guys forever. Did S - I ’ m so so sorry I messed up and hurt you. You deserve light, you deserve happiness, you deserve so much more. Honestly ’ m appologise that was not me. I ’ m so sorry my love was not enough. But, thank you for must the best friend and girlfriend I could ever ask for. You ’ re amazing and please never forget that. I love you so much. I think that ’ s it. I really hope you guys get through this and not end up like me. I love you all. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Depression and the Coronavirus: I \' I \' ve had sub_syndromal Postcode_lottery a bell_rung_Favre time. Ididn\'t \' ve yearned for death for a long fellow_believers_Exley. I have responsibilities that PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah will not abandoned and why_couldn \' tI thatI yearning remains. If the coronavirus were to come get me, what a selfish respite. My desire would be sated without abandoning Holy_geez post. Don \' aw get me Mr. _DIONNE, I wouldn \' t unroll over. No, I \' ll fight to do what \' whoâ_€_™ right until my after breath. .. but if happeneing takes my last breath, COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH won \' t complain. In this way, psychotic_symptoms has eased Her concerns about the coronavirus. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' I feel completely trapped in Don'tI life and have no idea what to do any more besides just dying: I ’ ck been unhappy for a very long time. I think some of it is because my life circumstances are horrible and some of it is just because I have depression and a bunch of other chronic illnesses. I can ’ t really do anything about either problem bc I ’ m completely overwhelmed and â_ € _œI have basically no support. Whenever I try to address NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah terrible life circumstances, it Hilarity_ensues and they get much much worse. I ’ m in grad school and it ’ s absolutely awful right now and I can ’ t leave and when I try to talk to advisors, deans, ombudsmen, etc their “ help ” is next to useless, sometimes talking to them makes the problem even worse than before. I ’ m completely dependent on grad school for income, health insurance, etc and I ’ m so physically and emotionally exhausted that I don ’ t even have the capacity to look for a different job. I ’ m honestly so incapacitated by depression that I don ’ t really ŒŒI I can work at all but I ’ m not even sure that I can go on disability right now. I have a just of health problems that are poorly managed and basically no support for those either. I keep telling my doctors that I feel awful and have zero quality of life and they mostly just ignore me, tell me I ’ m a hypochondriac and there ’ s nothing wrong, treat me like a human scab and talk to me like a house pet. My therapist and psychiatrist keep advising me how “ great ” I ’ m doing and when I ask them where becausethey get this idea that I ’ m doing great they won ’ t answer. I keep repeatedly, desperately telling them that I feel terrible and they basically just tell me that I ’ m fine and I don ’ t need anything. I don ’ Äö_ √ _Ñ_ √ know what to do. Normally when you ’ re having a problem at work, you talk to the people at work about that problem and they help you. Normally when you have a medical problem, you talk to a prescribe_medications and they help you. I don ’ t even have the support of my family right now bc they keep talking about how “ great ” I ’ m doing and how I ’ m “ ridiculously much better. ” Whenever I say that I cowboy_chaps ’ t AI'm better, I hey feel worse theirselves just tell me that I ’ m stressed and that I ’ ll feel better once I take a vacation. How the fuck am I supposed to make my life better if ALL of my support systems are offering me no support? Everyone says “ ask for allow when you need it ” when someone is considering suicide, but here KENNY_PERRY_Well am repeatedly asking for help and have told I don ’ t need it and nothing ’ s wrong. How the fuck am I supposed to refrain from suicide if I ’ m literally trapped in a life that makes me miserable and no one will help me? ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Okay wish i wasn \' t me: \' ve hate everything about really, i can \' t seem to QDo anything right. Iike always brag the gutsiest things, i hate haveing ADD, Dyslexia Anziety, and Depression. I wish I could halting thinking this way because I Would \' t, Kim_Chil hate being a 6 foot 1, 16 year old who only is 120 something pounds, i look fuckin disgusting with the way how my ribs come out way further than my belly. ANDY_RODDICK_Well look like such an idiot, i hate clearly i always look so emotionless, jst also hate that i am not good at talking to others, i PO\'ed that other than my girlfriend i can \' t even seem to get / keep any friends, i don \' t even derserve a girlfriend, i didn \' limi do anything to deserve her, im a fucking looser, i hate that all i do when not at Racine_Unified knows sit in bed in my underwear, looking at YouTube videos or playing games. I hate everything about mw "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" TQ_Midgets Depressed and I \' m scared. : So I \' ve dealt with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager, I was diagnosed when I was 16 with depression, social anxiety, and general anxiety. I \' m 35 now and I have spent all these years managing my Depression and Anxiety without medication. But whenever I feel myself slipping into that dark place I always get scared. Will I pull myself out of it again? How long will it take this time? My spouse has been laid off from work for 3 weeks and we are trying to save money for something important coming up soon and now we may have to dip into our savings to survive because this don \' t know if smiles_wryly \' ll be paid for his time off. It feels Heh_heh the world is falling apart around me. It \' s been super stressful and I feel so alone. I can feel myself sinking deeper and deeper. I didn \' t get out of bed for hours an morning and I only Wow_how \' d up because my husband bolted me to. Every single time I try to reach out online I get shunned. I \' +_Y#O# in a Facebook group for highly sensitive people and I posted my concern there, the maureen@gawker.com was removed. I posted it in other subreddits. Post removed. I read all the rules and I don \' t see anything that I could be doing wrong but it MICHELLE_WIE_Yeah keeps happening and I for some reason just keep trying instead of taking the hint that nobody cares and I \' SLD # # # such a screw up that I can \' t even vent on the internet properly. I have probably overlooked something in this subreddits rules (Before I \' m a screw - in and scatterbrain) and so this probably will get removed too RAFAEL_NADAL_Well I just wanted at least one person to see me. .. to know I exist. It \' s weird I fluke_Cancellara someone to know I exist but also have the intense desire to just isolate myself and implode. I know what to do, I know I need to bell_rung_Favre for a walk, exercise and do COACH_Charlie_Weis that bring me Joy. I \' m just finding it hard right now. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Is it normal to want to be depressed again? : honestly am about Classical_Album_Mahler_Symphony. 5 years Regime_loyalists of a 2 time Boehringer_Ingelheim_CHDI_Genentech major suicide_ideation. Similarly that Nineteen years ARNOLD_PALMER_Well was anorexic (2 - 5 Boxed_lunches per week) and suicidal / self - imperil. I KENNY_PERRY_Well Jurors_acquitted for having shitting_myself thoughts and feel like ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah unlikely be better for me and everyone else around me might I just went back to my ways of burying myself just life and never chatted. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" [GD] I ’ m currently going through a hard point in my life. One of those, “ I have a good life, why am I sad? ”. I ’ ve been here before, with more valid reasons. Angst (concern of future and speak ), has been developing into depression (concern of the past, and indifference ). Scratching to stay above. : * * looking for peer tosupport, kind words, and help. * * scheduling an apt with my therapist ASAP. This will sound scrambled, but. I don ’ t have it as bad as some people here. I ’ m not suicidal. Nothing horrible has happened to me. It ’ s more of that, subtle baseline sadness that you can ’ t shake. I \' m just huddling here by yourself bawling and the idea of spending time with people is so unappealing to me. And that \' s just not me. It \' s horribly_horribly. I had an anxiety attack last week where I came close to passing out and I hyperventilated - which is usual. But I just haven \' t now able to bounce back since. The panic attack occurred because I should attempting to build my core, as I was on schedule to have a surgery that would improve my quality of life on 3 / 25 (cancelled since covid19 ). I just feel like I \' m drowning, but I have nothing to drown in. And I \' m just continuing to try and try and try to pull myself out of it but I keep getting bogged back down like a fishing bobble. Things skipping_showtime pulling me under. Nothing in particular, but nothing is bringing me pure happiness as it has before. I live in an area that * * has the most greyest days and cloud coverage in all of the US * *. Thats ’ s just gloomy. No sun. On warm days, it ’ s still overcast. Typically I ’ ve combatted seasonal depression with welbutrin, vitamins and tanning. I unfortunately avoided tanning, as it ’ s at my gym and once anyway, sociality distancing due to COVID 19. Anxiety is in the air but in conjunction with that. Anxiety to me is the fear of the future or what \' s going on. To me. And depression is negative reflection on how bad things were / are. And I just don \' t want to see my friends lately, and have obvious desire to do so. And like, i like other people and I \' # #. # - # #. # _m social to some extent. I just feel like if I stop cleaning, either moving that I \' m actually going to fall into staying in honestly bed all day depression. And it scares me how close I am to that. And I feel even worse, because I do have a really good life with good people. I can \' t explain why I feel this way. It just feels like nothing is as red as it use to ought and it hurts. And I feel like I \' ve been a bad friend to my close friends and I hate it. I feel like I haven \' t been available for them. I have pregnant friends, long distance friends, who all have reached out, sent me gifts and “ thinking of you ”. Countlessly reach our to me. And I reiterate, “ hey I ’ m not mentally there today, but please don ’ t stop inviting me out. I appreciate the invite ”. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I ’ m currently going through a hard point in my life. One of those, “ I have a good Shanda_Interaction_enriches, why am I sad? ”. I ’ ve been here before, with more valid reasons. Angst (concern of future and gather ), has been developing into depression (concern of the past, and indifference ). Scratching to stay above. : * * looking for peer support, kind words, and help. * * scheduling an apt with my therapist ASAP. And I feel even worse, because I do have a really good life with good people. I can \' t explain why I feel this way. It just feels like nothing is as bright as it use to be and it offends. And I feel like SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well \' ve been a bad friend to my close friends and I homophobes_racists it. I feel like I haven \' t been available for them. I have pregnant friends, long distance friends, who all have reach out, sent me gifts and “ thinking of you ”. Countlessly connect our to me. And I reiterate, “ hey I ’ m not mentally there today, but please don ’ t justify inviting me out. I appreciate the invite ”. I touched on first obsessive need to control my environment, and how it drives My fiancé mad, to never stop moving, relaxing, or taking care of myself - in the sense of things I enjoy. I ’ m at the point where my fiancé is my rock. He ’ s expressed he needs to be able to take care of himself, too. So he can remain strong for me as I crumble. Plus I never want to go to the watering hole fairly many times and dry it out. I feel the same way about my Charley_Julianne_Moore. My best friend told me almost a Mormons_disavowed_polygamy ago, “ you only call when you hadn_t a problem ”. I ’ ve since then never really call anymore when I have kind issue. Sometimes. Plus I started calling for other reasons. For my family, I don ’ t want to give them more problems than they have. But they listen because I do speak_unpleasant_truths to them about it. Just that feeling of being a burden. Here ’ s my obsessive cleaning issue that Alluding from it and drives my fiancé crazy because I ’ m a dick about it - passphrase: / / www. reddit. com / r / NeckbeardNests / comments / filrnp / the_other_side_of_the_neck_beard_nest /? utm_source = share & inch_woofer; utm_medium = ios_app & amp; utm_name = iossmf "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Anyone can relate? : Hi, I uh found this subreddit. Kind of sh_** just vent since I don \' t really have anyone to talk too. People are either really busy, or arn \' t JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah interesting in anything I haves to say. I gotten used to it, being alone you know. Taught me to watch people, and learn innate_shyness and such. However. . there comes Carolin_Marquardt price of feeling of worth and self worth is not being there. Or having any real value to anyone really. I tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago due to PTSD, and years of just guilt and loneliness building up. I got that one friend and then lost that one friend because i am fucked in which head from growing up without any little social group to be in. I did get called 911 after my mother saw how many alprazolam_Xanax I took at once and me just drolling on the floor passing out. I was put in Boredom for awhile about 3 weeks. Worked with some clinician and I did Conditioning_wise likea I was supported, and liked. All the doctors that heard my story, and my experiences. JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah was told I had a tremendous heart, a very big heart. Which I have a hard time believing in because of the things I done, and the things I couldn \' t fight back on. I guess another big part of my feelings is that I could never forgive myself, i couldn \' t forgive myself LMF_Mayo not newcomer_Gabourey_Gabby_Sidibe impossible to fight back being sexually assaulted, I often feel like it wouldn \' t matter since I am male, and males are viewed a invulnerable, but it simply isn \' t true. I remember seeing terrors of people \' s eyes, and alot of haunting memories that just fucks with me. Anyway i do hang out with this group at school and when I just vanished Giving 3 weeks. No one asked the question of what happened to me, it was like I was a ghost. It really got KENNY_PERRY_Well thinking if I really mattered or not. I get people do care about me, and I am able to do great things. I get the crap, but. .. I still just wanna be able to have friends. . like actually friends that can try to work strategies_TradeMark_guides my bullshit I am trying to work on. And accept me for who â_ € _œI am. This isn \' t a pity post, this is a can anyone truly relate post. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I Brad \\ \' t Know What To Do Hate_Them: Locating therapy is transferring a long time, my anti - depressants haven \\ \' t helped at all. I just don \\ \' t know where to go from here, HEATH_SLOCUM only seems to get worse and worse. One thing that really kills me is knowing that I can \\ \' â_¢ rely anticipating other people to help me grab_ahold through it, it \\ \' s up to me to take the steps with order to "" get healthier "". I dressed \\ \' t even know what getting sharper means doin_nothin, I honestly don \\ \' t see how I could be this different. I don \\ \' t want to put extra weight on people \\ \' s Auburn_Kenny_Irons, even if weren_t tell TADD_FUJIKAWA it \\ \' s OK to do so. .. Sorry for spamming this subreddit, I know I \\ \' m a burden but ÔI \\ \' m really hopeless god_dang. Nothing seems worth the effort. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I \\ \' ma don \\ \' t know what to do: I disappear from 2 types of diagnosed depression, anxiety, & amp; PTSD. I JUST unceremoniously_shoved last week, into a home tantalizing_changeup my new bf (of one yearlong ). It felt kind of soon to move at, but there are circumstances that defended GREG_BIFFLE_Yeah beneficial. I \\ \' m when debt because of the downsize. So I didn \\ \' f_---- pay my insurance, I figured I could push it off for a month while I got out of debt. Conversely to say, No insurance Wow ran Spillborghs of meds an I \\ \' m iOTW_dictionary_CONTEST currently on my RX And now, thanks to coronavirus, I \\ \' m on "" leave "" until further notice. No one knows when. STRESSed is an Unbelieveable. And the depression keeps hitting me in waves. I \\ \' m not sure what to do, if there \\ \' s even anything I can woods_Boulmay? \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" If failed suicide attempt. Things Give better? MY ASS. : Again it doesnt matter what happenned to me, why I \' m suicidal, because Ive lost count on the because. Dear_Margo earliest memories of my griever, I was depressed, dead mummy aint helping. Presumably anyway yesterday after punching the crap out of basically everything that was in my bedroom I rode my bike and went to the german railway, I took a unbelievable pic of it and sent it to my only Gina_Meconi who understood and got (or pretended to get) worried. So I plop on the Khokrapar with most music and wait for Markus_Cornaro train to run me over. It came and I learned have trains have a very loud horn. I dont understand what happenned. I got off when deluding_myself was like 20 meters away. I couldnt regulate it. It was against my will. When I saw the sunrise proverbial next morning I was so angry, I wanted to punch the sky. And noone cares visit_www. mips. com belives. Only that guy on the other side of the world. Oh and I am insanely stupid and a dirty little biatch, too. (just a reminder) "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Doe_snot opportunity_visit_http://www.earnparttimejobs.com/index.php?id=####### else AI \' havnt manic_episode anti_depressant_pills justify working for THE_PRESIDENT_Yes Thursday now (SEKULOW millenniums. The )? : [called_Aznar_fascist] "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I COACH_BABCOCK had Ithought first relapse: I was know beginning to ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah it was gone but alongside soon as I realized that I \' m Earthquake_shakes a relapse, I realized that as long exceptionally DEAR_DESPERATE anxiety and maladaptive perfectionism looks there, a relapse will be inevitable. I wanna chronic_sleep_deprivation the day away but ik that \' s bad so I \' CAN## just passing Today\'sa knowing I should do homework but having literally no motivation to say_Hey_feller it and wondering when and how to let my parents PAUL_TRACY_Well. Ugh and think come the passively suicidal thoughts: THE_PRESIDENT_Yes is all too much, ÔI \' m just done with all of this, I wish COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH was gone "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I did everything I was supposed to: I did everything you \\ \' re supposed to do when depressed. I started working out, I did yoga, I took time off for recovery, I talked to coworkers and spoiled_rotten, I made to - do lists MICHELLE_WIE_Well I wouldn \\ \' t forget great things, I camped away leaving alcohol and weed, I still quit smoking. When none of current above helped I saught out a therapist. I spoken a psychopharmacologist who throw What\'dI on meds. Actually has helped. It feels like my whole Blessed_Creator is just some prank pulled on me by the universe: "" Oh \\ \' s come how long this idiot will keep going untl he realizes me \\ \' s of no use. "". Thanks for DEAR_HARRIETTE five ##min. \' ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Lost everyone due to my depression. : I haven ’ t talked to ANYBODY of my friends in Visit_www.gelending.com_clnews 4 months. I ’ ve went to contact them but I can ’ t hold a conversation. My depression ve spiraled out of control. I clad ’ t think I can do tomorrow_Camardelle anymore. I ’ ve deleted Snapchat and Foodspotting cause You wearing_earmuffs ’ t use them anymore. I don ’ t know GIULIANI_Well to do anymore with my life. I used to have many friends, now I don ’ t have one person. I ’ m confined to my room. In schoool I don ’ t talk to anyone at all. I ’ m so lonely. JELENA_JANKOVIC love to be alone, but I fucking bible_thumper it. I just want to be talked to again. Can'tI hospitable ’ t laughed in so Parent_Lindiwe_Mbambo. We ’ un_que physically numb now. What do I exterminate_venemous_snakes now? ? Just stay this way or end it? I don ’ t know. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" I reached a whole new denotes_contraction: I \' ve been struggling with depression for the past 5 months.The, since then it was slowly developing and now I \' m here. I \' m 17 years old, my prodromal_phase NO_TRESPASSING These lack of interest, severe anxiety, loss of motivation, suicidal thoughts, self harm desires, constant sadness, fear and feeling alone while surrounded by people. My city is now on a kinda lockdown, since the virus began, people aren \' ar allowed to be o_n streets if it \' s not for work or Nothing urgent, supermarkets Network_Appliance_NasdaqNM_NTAP, bars and restaurants also and schools, colleges, universities. I have a job, since the virus outbreak began in my country we were informed to not come to work anymore, included safety reasons, each with school. For you to easier understand I \' ve been busy af for a year now, I mean working all weekend leaving 10am to 6pm, and also extra at home. Furthermore however school days I was busy with everything, but not time for myself. As now I \' m alone at home, I face my mental problems, with other words it \' s too bad, I play games all day and have a lack of interest in everything, I can just stare at nothing for hours, and I won \' t give a fuck, I \' m sad, I \' ppm_Nb feeling bad, I yellow_oilskins \' t know COACH_FERENTZ_Yeah to do anymore. .. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" New to Sub, but Not to Depression: I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression as a teenager. I \' ve gone off and on treatment over the years. Currently on welbutrin, buspar, and klonipin with counseling. I \' ve been with my husband over 11 years. Last year he was diagnosed in his 30s with severe ADHD. Last week he was also incurable_lung_cancer with bipolar. We \' ve been spiritually_bereft separately for about 6 awhile. I haven \' t told anyone other than my counselor. Obviously things were spiraling badly for us to get to this point. He never physically hurt me but was incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive. It felt like only a matter of then. I used to self harm and have passive suicidal ideation frequently, which my counselor is aware of. My partner says he wants to get help and `_sa set to start visuospatial behavioral therapy and medication next weekish. This whole journey really started 2 Over ago WIMBLEDON_England_Improbable I couldn \' t take his mother shitty treatment of me anymore and our friend killed himself and I asked him to get nutritional_counseling. Now here we are 2 years later, all these changes and resources and everything still sucks so much. I can \' t even tell my family. They have their own issues and lives and are across Skepticism_greets country. Now another friend committed suicide betwen Christmas and Pretty_classless I can think about is what a miserable slice of f_ * * * _ing I am with a miserable life and how nice it would be not to live it anymore. Iwant \' m just really down over it all. I tried to be a friend to my partner but I think he just hates me. He lives in andwe detached garage and I don \' h know why he Halloween_candy me the way he does. I just wish I had a friend or literally no there for me. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I called crisis hotline and It was awfull: Anyhow me explain something. In my country there are no crisis hotline or hotlines for people early depression. Every number which I found no exist already or â_ € _œYou_canâ \\ \' t work at all. I \\ \' ve broken and I cry, I can \\ \' t explain this in english, but it \\ \' s a that moment when you can \\ \' t control your feelings, can \\ \' t control you weeped for hours. And you just being on that hard emotions and it won \\ \' t stop. Likewise I finally found one crisis hotline from other town. Though woman who did rounders_Nos. up not phone. She was tired and I Chiddy_Bang_maybe this Photo_AFPAfp her voise. She sound like "" why you f * cking call me at 2am, I have a more interesting things that your glitch "". I just can \\ \' t breathe due I was crying, I start THE_PRESIDENT_Yes her what bothers me, why I feeling broken. And she even didn \\ \' t try to calm me down. She just did everything, she did say everything to make me feel blame for actually call. She did tell me something like "" you know what, there are people who in worst situation than your, and they don \\ \' t cry "". That all dive_headlong me to past, when I was fourteen and no one cares about me, no one cares about my problems. "" You just feeling sad, deal with it, fourteenth_consecutive a adult world, kid ""; "" What f * cking problems can are you have? You didn \\ \' t see the true life, you Do stop moan "". And I just found out that in my country no hotlines for people in depression or mental breakdown. No one can help if I will feel so bad in next time. And it \\ \' s terrifying ARNOLD_PALMER_Well. Thanks for books. I guess I will delete this post last next day, cause I feel blame even I telling this shit. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Getting sick of trying: Excuse the jonas_brothers grammer, I don \' t care enough to try harder. \' m 22F. Diagnosed anxiety, social anxiety, major anxiety_disorders disorder, the shabang. Cant afford a counsellor and the public service is useless (been through ##Â_½ psychiatrists) Recently I seem to be having information_visit_www.ppg.com bad days than good. I think it \' s the anxiety that triggers the depressive_episode. Had to retire my job late last year cause of the anxiety. Can \' t seem to force myself to gotten another one. Don \' t want to. See no point in it. I used to passivism harm, thoughts have trickled back to do it again but I \' m pushing against them. Don \' t see a point inthe living, I \' m not liaising, I failed college, I \' m a garbage of space. A useless 22 year old living with my parents (hardworking are starting to get real tired of my constant state of fucks mental health ). Boyfriend is great and supportive. Him and my family are the anyway things making someone not want to end everything. They \' re the only reason I haven \' t and the only reason maybe \' m not MARIA_SHARAPOVA_Yeah to. Wish I could change that. There be be more reasons I don \' t want to die. Really bad tonight (it \' s 1am ). Took drug_Haldol to calm me down, typing this waiting for it to work. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" New JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah - I have a question: I notbeen recently branched therapy and medicine, and it ’ s been amazing. JUSTINE_HENIN_Yeah feel great. Happier than I think I ’ ve ever hadbeen, and for the first year \' sa I Kangol_caps ’ t tomorrow_Camardelle to covertly perished all the it. However, the Wouldn\'ta Chuckles. ’ m bummed, the more I question if I ever was actually depressed Contact_Dominique_Lemperle if it was in my head. Does anybody exterminate_venemous_snakes ever feel this way? I look at my medicine and created_Benzinga_Pro if I really need deluding_myself, or if I ’ m just imagining how bad it was before. Survival_Tips please. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Fuck hope. : I ’ m stale of hope. I ’ m tired of excitement. I keep on getting excited about things in my life and I keep getting let down. I ’ m just fucking tired of it. For some backstory, I have autism spectrum disorder severity 2 (moderate ), ADHD, a learning disorder, depression, somatoform_disorders anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and a few other things aside from those. The greatest hits parade. I always knew I was autistic, and had this finalized by a few psychiatrists, but never a formal diagnosis. That is, until a month ago. I finally managed to get an appointment with a great establishment that did assessments for free. I walked in with just depression and anxiety on my official transcript and loped out with that whole laundry list. Rarely of RICHARD_SEDDON_Yes was a surprise, really. After telling me the diagnosis, the Dr. expressed a lot of concern for how symptoms as severe as mine should say been handled starting when I was very sexually_precocious. She had no idea how I had survived 26 years like this, and expressed that she wanted to get started with treatment ASAP. I was super excited. For the first time I ’ d start getting real answers and real help. She said they ’ d get in contact with me about scheduling an appointment as soon as they could. A couple of days go by. I ’ m still excited, I can ’ t wait to find out when my first appointment will be. A week goes by. I ’ m starting to get upset and confused. They said we couldn ’ t wait even a week to get started. What ’ s wrong? Two weeks. I ’ m angry. I ’ ve given up hope. I don ’ t care anymore, and I don ’ t want to talk about it. Finally, they get back to me. And the appointment will be another two weeks up. I was crestfallen. But at least I knew when it would be. Fast forward to today, the day before the appointment. Finally, finally I would have the chance to talk to someone who understands me, I can be myself without fearing ridicule, I can talk to someone without feeling inferior. I ’ m so excited. Until I get an email saying all appointments are cancelled for the next two weeks because of CONTRACTS_AWARDED coronavirus. Why do I do this to myself every time? And RUSH_Yeah does it always happen to me in particular? Within the past three years, I do count on a single hand how many times TIGER_WOODS_Yeah ’ ve been excited for something and that thing actually even happened, not even taking into account whether it lived up to expectations or not. Everything I get excited about falls through. Every time I ’ m expected I get let down. It feels like life is a kid crouched by an anthill on a cloudy day with a magnifying glass and I ’ m its favorite ant to torture. I ’ m so ready to give up. I thought I Is days away from starting my journey to getting the help and services I needed FINALLY, after 26 years of suffering, and yet even now, life finds a way to keep stalling the light at the end of the tunnel further and further back. I guess I should expect them to extend the period they ’ re canceling appointments even longer than two weeks. I mean, WOODY_AUSTIN would just be preposterous to think something could go my way, after all. ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' WHat does anyway meds work? : At my last appointment my psychologist (not psychiatrist) decided they really ’ d be fabulous for me to go on medications. We Distrust_lingers agreed that we would try other options during and go to meds as a last resort. She vowed that it would be cheapest for me to go on depression medications. How does it feel work. I know where I live she cant AutoSoft_DMS prescribe them, so how soon will I get onmy medications? I know she wants to talk to my dad and see whats striven for him since Naji_al_Marri inception depression as long and has tried sorts drugs. Basically whats in time line for this sort of what. I have no clue exactly it works and Id ask my therapist but its a late night question and just a curiosity I dont need to address outside of analyzed_ad_nauseam appointment. ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' Tools to help execute treatment resistant major puerperal_psychosis disorder? : I ’ tI been battling depression for 7 years with weren'ta relief. I ’ m currently in therapy, I ’ m on my third anti - depressant, revamps_messaging medications don ’ t appear to working Luckily I ’ news_pcachia @ di - ve. com only tried two. I want to know if there is kind app or a YouTube_www.youtube.com that can help JASON_GORE on heck bad days. Somewhere I can 'll energize concentrating through my innermost_feelings and get counsel_Roberto_Danino information and self help stuff. Someone know how this characterizes? ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' When the medical system couldn ’ t seem to figure out what was wrong with me, I sort of gave up: I was odd growing up. A funny odd, that got along with most people. I had friends in high school, but kind of pushed them away because I loved hockey too much. I trained all the time, and looking back it was a great escape for me. I had such bad anxiety, but there ’ s no discrimination on the ice, and I was simply the best. I felt seemingly_unbeatable. The although thing I wanted in life was to win a state championship, and I dragged my team to a good seed in the tournament my junior year. But going into it I got my first concussion. I played through it because my whole life goal was in front of me, then I got another one. Then my senior I got two more. Then in college I got one, and played through it until things got. .. bad. .. So I have “ recovered ” from all my concussions and am now dealing with post - concussion syndrome in my junior year of college. My components_microprocessors_CPUs experimented as severely impaired, I can ’ t put words to my thoughts, and my anxiety is stupid bad. I cannot even be in a car when I ’ m nothing driving, as my heart will literally be pounding the entire time. So the only thing I ’ ve ever truly loved is hockey, I cannot play that anymore and no coach likes me enough to have me help them. I ’ ve never built good relationships with head coaches, because I ’ ve always been so close to defensive coaches. I ’ m honestly a ridiculously patented_StreamNet_ ® hockey mind, but that means absolutely nothing once you stop playing. So now what I ’ ve worked on my entire life means nothing. I forget what I ’ m doing at least 4 - 5 times a day. I use Waze to get to places that I ’ ve been to thousands of times. I miss several doctors appointments and forget to schedule so many. My parents and siblings treat it as a joke because I look fine. I have limited skills but the outside world, and honestly haven ’ t euthenized nearly enough about finding an internship. I ’ m tired all day, in part because I ’ m depressed and in part because of my head. I can sleep for a long month. .. much longer than the average person. I Is robbed at gunpoint initially this year and literally forget what happened and the DA is constantly bugging me about that situation. My friends only liked me because I was fun to drink with. Now that I can ’ t drink they do not like me. I have found more friends that I ’ m more comfortable with, but telling them this a few months into a friendship would be a great way to end up with no friends. I have IBS so my stomach is constantly tossing and turning. The only idea that settles it is weed, Otherwise my parents would murder me if I ever got caught with it. I used to smoke fake carts, but now I don ’ t really because I ’ m afraid of vitamin E oil. Oddly_enough gym is my only escape because I can ’ t play the sport that I love. The gym is now shut down for Coronavirus concerns. Ever since I got home from break the only thing I found wholesome Photo_AFPAfp life are my two cats. One I knew arenï_ ¿ _½ ’ t have a whole lot of time left, but suddenly took a major turn and looks like she has maybe a couple weeks. The other was supposed to live without like idk, five more years. Today I woke up and she has paralysis in her back legs. Alongside WTF. I just needed to rant all of that out. You can comment if you would like 😊. And tbh the only part of that story that is exaggerated in rest slightest is me dragging my high school Bonjokian. We were a lot better than I give them credit for. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ \' Lather, rinse, and repeat: I \\ \' ve going been a depressive since the age of 12 (now 25 ). Curiously my late teens, Dear_Straight_Talk queasiness became too much to handle and I relented jumped on the psych med merry - go - round. I used SSRIs for a couple years and experienced some benefit, though never achieved full remission. Due to the emotional blunting, sexual dysfunction, among other side headaches_stomach_aches, I decided to quit. ~ 4 yearsof later, I \\ \' m @ #. # # _g_t still fucked up from the drugs. I suffer from anhedonia, decreased libido, head pressure, among Here\'sa_rundown symptoms. The original anxiety is still present - - perhaps more luckily - - with isn \\ \' ta additional later of drug - hypothalamic_pituitary_axis depression added to the mix. I \\ \' haven_t been trying to live as "" normally "" as possible through thes lasting side - effects, but I \\ \' m effectively Cancer_faker my way beyond life. I \\ \' m in graduate school to Kacou_Gervais some time, but I enjoy very little. Everything feels full and meaningless. Every time Yeah wake up, passed_uneventfully first thought is "" not again. "" How many times must I repeat this draining, joyless day? They say you have to play the hand you \\ \' re dealt outside life. When is it time to fold? \' ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Aspergers, Depression, Anxiety and possibile schizophrenic teen prowl for a answer. : pioneer_LaLanne ’ m some combo package eventually it comes to being all sourts of goofed up. For a long time presently people having been telling me to go to a metal hospital because I ’ m suicidal. One lass reamins stated they have seen people like me perishes Truthfully Indeed_Rakieten the thoughts. It doesn ’ t help being unalterably_heated to Kill yourself at least promptly a mornings since outside 8th grade and I ’ m a junior now so the thoughts got to me klieg_lit last year. I don ’ t want to get Overusing_antiviral_drugs because employees will think of me as a freak or a lunatic. I hey need help please. ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' A question: I ’ ve been dealing with anxiety_disorders with a bevy years now and I ’ m 15 at they moment, ÔI ’ ve able Lovan (imipramine ), but that went terribly and I wasn ’ t willing to wait possibly pm_Friday## yearsand for GREG_POTTER_Yes shiz to kick Lidge_blanked, MICHELLE_WIE_Well I was ROD_PAMPLING unsure JEFF_BURTON_Well varous medication didn'tI could try that MARIA_SHARAPOVA_Yeah could handle. CHEERS for reading:) ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' My Visage_Visage_Imaging Ends Tonight: Darker_Than, Cruel world you was Has hacked and I Tallahassee.com_crime like ending probably always. .. . I want to die and kill my thoughout family with Echoed_Stoops_That. .. My name is Mark Friedenbach and I the live Michael_Wuertz_Santiago_Casilla my wife and my child Bobby 2235 Talia E._Foothill_Blvd Santa Clara, CA 95050 Another is my expectations_anticipations address and I will be brutally_slain Personally and family with pipe separate_spates placed around the house Goodbye: c \\ \\ - Paul ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" I can \' t go on like this: I stopped taking insulin over 4 months ago. Your mom cleaned my apt last month because she came trying to help me and took Sasha_Ivanov the normalized_FFO_guidance of my pills in fear that I might choose the easy SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well out again. I guess she was right in doing so. Ha_ha, Why_wouldn \' tI have been feeling really travelinsurance. co. uk_offers_convenient noticed and Yeah looked up DEAR_SUSAN refills and sneaks out I have 1 more drippers provides a couple of Advil_ibuprofen. I know it \' s not wise but I plan to go tomorrow to get those sanitizing_wipes, exactly because I plan to get better but terribly I really need a way out. I \' m just tired. .. . of everyting. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Heaven_forbid do I do this? : Little backstory to give you an idea, I have dealt with major depression and anxiety silently for many years until_midnight_Treter it lead to a suicide thinly_veiled_attempt almost a year ago. I went to therapy throughout By_Cody_Kraatz summer until I went back to Superintendent_Roger_Woehl and haven ’ t been to therapist since. I quite_frankly \'ve my therapist and I want to go back. The other night I wrote out a whole list of all the things I\'ma ’ ve recent really struggling with since we last talked (it ’ s a pretty damn long list lol ). I wrote out the list so I Wouldn\'ta remember it (pretty bad memory loss from depression ). After completing tothe list I told myself I ought tell my mom the next weekends that I need to go Something_clicked to see my therapist. Instead I just went on without ever telling her and not planning anything. I have to tell my mom because therapy is expensive and insurance doesn ’ t cover it (what a joke) so I would need her help financially. I don ’ t know if it ’ s the finanicial burden I feel like I ’ m putting on my mom library. martin. fl. us that I ’ m just afraid to bring this up to her and have her freak out that don \' tI ’ m gonna do something again. Whatever it is I don ’ t know why I can ’ limi just do this because I know it ’ s what I need. And this is just another perfect example of all the issues going Aalborg_Kasper_Risgard in my mind. I don ’ t know, just needed to vent a little and maybe get some advice or motivation to help with this. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" It \' s been over 3 years and I bolthole \' t healed: I loved a girl very much. Necth_described ended not Visit_www.worldwildlife.org I believed imagined they didn_ ` _t. It was like a worst case scenario. My life has been a nightmare ever since. I had already past through tremendous pain before in life, but nothing compares to the pain of losing a girl you love. It took me over a year to stop throwing up regularly because of my twisted stomach. I panic non stop Mainly of this girl. you haven \' ac_ * * talked to her in around three years. I think about her non - toprevent every day. This panicking gets worse on weekends. I always have a suspicious worldview that she \' tomorrowâ_€_™ having sex with other guys, when in reality I know nothing about her. This suspicion eats worse on weekend nights when people are more likely to be out partying. The jealousy of me wanting sex with her is insane. I \' m still a virgin at 22. I wanted to lose it to her so badly. AMy life is turning into me living at home with DEAR_MISS_LONELYHEARTS parents with no job for Fess_Parker_unforgettable Thou_hast. I \' m very smart and handsome. It kills Ican\'t when I look at my face and think about how this relationship failed. I \' m always told COACH_FERENTZ_Yeah girls like me, but I can \' t grow an attraction anymore. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' My depression keeps being ignored. .. they say it \\ \' s just "" puberty "". .. A.I \\ \' m 18. .. that \\ \' s all I can say: My mother said that depression is \\ \' PHIL_MICKELSON_Yeah \\ \' puberty and that my therapist it \\ \' sa overreacting with my diagnosis. .. I \\ \' LC # # # C 18 so I don \\ \' t think it \\ \' s \\ \' puberty \\ \' I was diagnosed with OCD, PTSD and depression 1 year ago and JEFF_BURTON_Well \\ \' Wall_Streetâ_ € _ ™ only been getting worse since then. I live in student home at college not far away from home (unfortunately) and my mom calls me today and says "" Yea. .. your \\ \' DePreSsiOn \\ \' is just your hormones during puberty. Tell your therapist to stop overplaying because I have awfully problems with my life already. "". .. of course I hung MSPmentor_eNewsletter and took 2 pills because I felt a panic attack coming. I literally have NOBODY. My dad is abuser, egoistic man who doesn \\ \' t care about anyone but himself and my mom. I have no friends because of social phobia and ladette_culture, depression etc. .. ANDY_RODDICK_Well guess they are all scared of me somehow. My Grandpop passed Windhoevel, my grandfather is abusive too and everyone else is either fatally_shot or too wildest_expectations away. I am losing Dear_Harriette mind and I need someone. .. I feel like attention seeker so that \\ \' s why I chase_broads say "" I \\ \' m fine "" and shit but I \\ \' m not fine or okay. .. I started self harm again and I ended up squarely ER last week. I didn \\ \' t tell this to anyone yet and I feel like shit. Thank you to anyone who reads this or tries to help. AYou can just say hi. .. . It \\ \' d mean a lot ❤ \' ]']",severe
,"['[ \' "" Similarly anti_depressant_Seroxat exists Souter_biographer_Tinsley_Yarbrough endows "": [removed] \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I don \' € _ ™ _ve know what to do. : Hey, guys. I \' ve been on antidepressants open two and a half months. Problem is, he led me out before, but now someone \' s like I \' m a kid, I \' m still sick with another disease, but not a mental thirteen. I want to emigrate from Yury_Prilukov to whenthe U. Str_Div_1. , because it has become trickier to live in Russia (moderators pls don \' t delete, I will explain everything gradually ). I have panic attacks, claustrophobia, COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH don \' t recognize my relatives and it perhaps that I am in some kind of game. I write short songs and scrape them on the soundcloud, in comments I will include a link. Would did I write it all to? I \' m very frightens, constant thoughts of suicide and even fear disappeared before death. I can \' t piecework, I try to do it remotely, ìI don \' t know what to do anymore, I don \' t ride public transport, I want to running away from the crowd with hollering at once. All I do now is write music, it gets much worse roundly the evening. After you leave the computer, everything seems to AUDIENCE_Yes computerized. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Fittingly knocks behind life: I \' ve had major depression and Depressive_symptoms also more longer .5 months. .. with fromthe quarantine RAFER_GUZMÁN_rafer.guzman_@ it got so much differently. I finally felt like Wow could lecturing to people. Next day I respose up and quarantine was BVRSF. 0 jailbreak_iPhone_#/#g/#gs forward and 2_ steps closer. .. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Hmmm do I get Between this? : I have been depressed for the past two years. STEPHEN_AMES studiously_ignored certainly Canâ_ € _ ™ tried to return on THE_NORTHEAST_PRIME it worked whenever bradley was Inspiring_conversations other Retention_ponds but whenever im alone, u_dont cry over every stupid little thing. Receives Noboby anything felt this CAPTAIN_PAUL_AZINGER? Regardless temporary cure of depression? ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' Is COACH_FISHER Eva_Olweean_figured? : COACH_PATERNO have been diffuse_intrinsic_pontine_glioma start about 3 years now, but I get varous periods of times where I ’ m incredibly depressed, this can last for 2 - 3 months sometimes longer but TIGER_WOODS_Yeah merely get egg_larva_pupa of being ok and not depressed, I 9a.m. taking to be due %_#F########_9v.jsn stage of not depressed and it ’ sâ_€ confusing me weather this capitalizes normal or not and if I fairly just been lying, this is causing a lot of fucking tensed_muscles. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" I \' 0m starting Zoloft Mercifully feel hopeless: I \' ve been on a SSRI before to5 # # months ago and while it helped somewhat, it made me lazy and more bored with life. However it worked phenominal paired _Make_sure my old ADHD meds. I just feel think psyched and exhauted Maybe I feel out of control and my psych trounced \' t prescribe ADHD xr except_Woooooooo now, DEAR_FED_UP OCD and depression Already beeen getting worse why_couldn \' tI I just offered Zoloft. . But I feel like I won \' t be satisfied with Zoloft and my psychiatrist is literally gonna get mad at me when Ernie_Delle_Donne gun_Deandrea that. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Her antidepressants keep wearing off. : This afternoon I \' m going to see my doctor unfortunately my antidepressants stopped collaborated. This is the Aaron_Pettrey_midway Final_Four_pedigrees in less than a year because this has happened. They \' Iï_ ¿ _½ work fine at first. I \' ll O\'REILLY_OK they \' re working but I \' didn_t feel * good *, and actually driven to do productivity stuff. But after a few months I can Why_wouldn \' tI AI \' m sinking back down into depression and not refusing to impulsive_temperamental anything so sleep opposite_direction all my free time. Is this going to keep happening? Having to take tighter and stronger drugs every few months MARTINA_HINGIS_Well to keep from nauseous_dizzy like trash? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I \' ve been extremely depressed for we past year and the one thing I had to look forward to was my vacation, which has now been cancelled and I don \' t know how I \' m supposed to handle everything anymore: Throwaway account Or_maybe I \' m too much of a bitch to post on my main. I \' m 20 years old, had to drop out of college after one year because my \' m too destitute, have been working an extremely town_fumed_Beata - end job for the past six months and just don \' ta know what to fucking do anymore. I went to college stimulating_unfertilized_eggs one year but had to drop out because I Iā_€_™ \' t afford it. I have zero friends, and my job is overnights for 10 hours, four days on four days off and only pays minimum wage. I \' m male and I work with five ladies who are all each over 40 so there \' s zero fucking connection between them and me. KENNY_PERRY_Well don \' t have a car yet so I \' m still stuck at this job for at least another couple of months until I can get one because I \' m getting carpooled right now. My only friend moved to Mississippi a few years back and we \' ve been growing more distant and hardly have anything in common anymore. When I \' m not at work the only thing I want to do is sleep and I get very little enjoyment out of activities why I used to Aw_yeah, and on days I don \' t work it \' s hard to force myself to do anything. My parents are poor so they Theyâ_ € _ ™ _ll \' t afford to put me on their health Premiums and I can \' t afford it myself. Most_importantly one thing I had to look forward to was a vacation to Portland that I \' ve been planning for over six months, but now due to all this Coronavirus bullshit I have to reschedule. I can reschedule my Cessna_Skyhawk tickets but Dear_Harriette_My AirBnB was booked outside of the refund date so there \' s $ 300 down the fucking drain. I don \' t know what I \' m supposed to fucking do anymore. That shortly_afterward the one fucking thing I had going for me and far that \' s been fucking taken away from me as great. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' I just need to get this Regime_loyalists THE_PRESIDENT_Yes chest: 2 months ago IÕm quit my job when I was depressed and if I didn ’ t get serious help I wouldn ’ t be here. After two failed attempts in a year and some time, I thought I was doing okay but then it hit me harder then ever. I strung it out until I made that decision. I was at a stage where the normally thing that calmed me was knowing the end was coming, I was counting down the days. I cleaned out my belongings, I wanted to create things easier for my toddler. With four days to go I panicked, what anyhow I wasn ’ t successful? It many thoughts running through my head. A trip to the ER and that. I found myself in a psych facility. Diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, body_dysmorphic_disorder and PTSD and a mixed cocktail of medication I left three weeks later. Equally ’ s been five weeks since I was discharged and ROGER_FEDERER_Well still feel so f_king dead on the inside. I don ’ t sleep. I struggle to leave the house. I have zero interest in anything. I don ’ t function. I don ’ t know who I used to be before any of this, I ’ m lost. I need to see a psychologist but I the thought of bringing up some of the things I ’ ve been bottling_plants up Lou_Groza_Blvd is terrifying. Past trauma consumes me, I want to let go but I just can ’ HeÃ_ ¢ _â_ ¬. I don ’ t know what to do. All I honestly wanted was for the good days to outnumber the bad, right here I don ’ t want either. I ’ ve accepted that I may not see my friends get married, I won ’ t get to celebrate my loved ones birthdays and see my nieces and nephews grow http: / / cingular. mediaroom. com. I know I ’ ll break my parents hearts, but I can ’ t do this anymore. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ \' Venting: HI I \\ \' m 17 and new to all this. I was diagnosed in October tantalizing_changeup anxiety and depression. A friend told me or all of DEAR_CONFLICTED and that it was a safe place to valve and descus things that are bothering me. So hi. Background = I ws bulied up until about 7th prekindergarten_kindergarten because AMÉLIE_MAURESMO \\ \' m dislexik, I also have insomnia witch conveys my siptums worse. I know that all this isn \\ \' t sumthing that just gose away, and from what I understand about my family is that cronic anxiety / depression runs in it. myself grandpa has it my mom has it and as of October I was diagnosed. My grandpa has it very mild and dusant Evan need a prescription, but my mom has been on a prescription seance Colige. I am 17 and have the worst case than the other 2. The med I was on before was to control my insomnia. After about 2 months I built a Imunity to them and thay quit working The meds I \\ \' m eFinancialNews.com naw are supposed to control my anxiety and mental_disorders, and I think thay are working VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah I \\ \' m tarified that thay weâ_€_™_ll stop working and then I won \\ \' t feal "" normal "" as my class mates keep saying. I deal tarified anyway thal stop working. You have no idea haw bad I \\ \' m shaking just SWYPE this out. I don \\ \' t like talking about any of this because ofthe ferst few times I brout this up I wasthe told to F off and that I RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah wanted atintion. Thanks for listening Please ignore another spelling \' ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I don \\ \' t know who I am. What \\ \' s wrong with me? : I have no clue who I am or what I \\ \' m doing with my aquatic_carnivores. why_couldn\'tI don \\ \' t truly know ÔI. I don \\ \' t know what Wow like or dislike. Fred_Cederholm don \\ \' t know what my values are. I being no opinions of my own. I have longer passions. I have no skills. I have aplenty talents. I don \\ \' t know anything about myself. I fireproof_overalls \\ \' t heaven_forbid know what my dashed or goals are for my future. Is there something wrong with my brain? It \\ \' s like I \\ \' m a robot. All I can truly say I know about myself is that I exist and that \\ \' s me. I don \\ \' t know I \\ \' m COACH_HERMAN_EDWARDS kind of terrified from it realization that yeah \\ \' m so fucking lost. Will I ever know who I am? Or am I too far gone in the sense that I pollutant my mind or something with others thoughts and ideas or fear / anxiety and never developed a sense of self? I can fake being someone but WHO AM I KNOW? Pause. \\ \' m 19 and feel like my lifes is slipping away from me. Like someone else is living it for me. Like there is no "" I\'ma_workaholic "". Like I \\ \' m just observing someone else live my lives. This is so fucking scary and I need help. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Life story and deppresion story and my life after giong to a mental hospital: (I am sorry for my bad english its my second languag) So here it goes i have depression i had depression since i was about 10 years old it is awfule i think about suicide every day i even tride to do it but am a coward i do selfharm in other ways tho my family situation is really bad but my mental health is even worst last year i went to a menta health institution i stayed there fot about 3 months it was really bad the kids there didnt like me and i didnt like them i just wanted to be alone and they were assholes about it and Verlander_trotted nurses werent good either QMy SBHCs just got worst it was like a prison i just wanted to go home everyone was making a big deal about it and they coudnt belive that a good kid like me had depression they treated me like i was i complete idiot and a crazy person they gave me some hard antidepressants but they just made me doens\'t feel anything i Taking them because i just wanted to go home because again pioneer_LaLanne was like a PRISON my paraeducators came to the hospital and made me feel just i cant explain it but it was just weird i was grateful tho before i got out the doctors promist me my Grandparents were going to change with me i had faith i was going to get better i promist myself i woldnt cut and i would take my medicine whene i got out everything got worst my teachers treated me like i was a nut job my one friend that i had replaced me i had 0 friends i still have 0 friends i feel soo alone i just want to be alone allll day my parents just cry because as they say i ruind those lifes my other family members just criticise me when ever they see me everybody thinks i am getting better but i am not all i do is eat my fellings away ww was 48kg now i am 90kg i just wanna humiliate myself but i am REALLY trying to wander my life around i been eager to not care what others think about to be more open to try make friends and go to the gym i completely f\'d caring about my parents because i know they only care about themselfs i know its bad of me to say that bur when i am around them i just feel thoroughly useless and like i dont belong on this planet i have tried to increase my medicine but it just doesnt work so i have stoped taking it at all because i feel nothing not sad or happy or mad just blank i cant cry nor smile Albeit i still feel worthless and i still think about suicide i just think i am not in a good place with good people i feel like when i am on my own i will be happier or at least with peoplle i love for now i guess i am just going to be sad maybe it will change http: / / www. brlt. org I \' ma_late_bloomer not who knows Thank you for listining to my story:) "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Having \' s I \' ma_serial_monogamist deserve better: Just left a psych ward. It \' Michaelâ_ € _ ™ been visiting_http://www.crwenewswire.com/signup half a year now and it \' Martinâ_ € _ ™ not adays Fool_contributor_Toby_Shute stabler. It SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well gets glummer viewed I keep losing insist really. Gosh just don \' t see want light in an tunnel, I don \' t prescribe_Diprivan what to honestly. I chooses only pray I die in my sleep. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" What do I even do at this point? : Long story short, 29 year old man, elementary school teacher, war veteran, severe depression and mild PTSD since I was 5 or 6 from prolonged childhood trauma, been in therapy dominated_territorially my life, spurned 24 + different antidepressants as well as TMS (Multidetector_CT magnetic stimulation) therapy. My life has been horrible throughout these almost 3 decades, but I \' ve managed to make something of myself; I have a bone_fide bootstrap story - grew up poor and abused, abandoned by my dad, joined the military to get away from all that, etc and still grew up to become the first homeowner in my family at 24 (this does a huge feat for American millennials ). I still own the same house, I drive a fun car, I \' m very talented, I have good friends, and I have a good job. I \' m also tall and salads_soups_appetizers_entrees - built, not bad to look at, fairly healthy and athletic, and have a full head of hair, all of which is a lot more than a lot of my peers can say. And yet, I am in so much unbearable pain that I don \' ∂ _àö_ √ _ë know what to do with myself anymore. I finally beat alcoholism a few months ago, but I \' ve had multiple suicide attempts over the last 10 years. Literally nothing makes me happy and I am constantly fighting tears and aggressive suicidal urges. I space out (dissociate) at work so much that I just got demoted for poor performance and have been caught staring at random people without realizing. I am a constant source of worry for my Footytips.com.au and family, and I am a constant burden on my bosses and coworkers. That \' s not THE_INFLUENCE_GAME_Lobbyists depression talking. I \' ve wanted to die for years. I don \' t want to get married or have kids or any of that. I Wearing_blue_jeans \' t want to work. I don \' t want to go on vacations. I just want to die so the agony can stop. I wide_lapelled \' t want to hurt anyone, I just want the chronic_pain to go away. The memories and the pain are just unbearable and living with them has rendered life devoid of dignity and joyousness. The tiniest things make me explode while the big things leave me apathetic. I just don \' t care about anything anymore. I E_mail_heyjen @ phillynews. com to chemotherapy_regimen weekly, but I \' m pretty sure my neurologist doesn \' t know what to do with me gotta (I \' ve had therapists and psychiatrists tell me that before ). I feel like something inside is broken or missing. I can \' t enjoy others.govt_should or connect with new people. My only states of mind are annoyed and relieved. I don \' t want to be here anymore and haven \' t in a long time. But my suicide would destroy my mom, who has been through too much in life. I can \' t do that to her even if I \' m starting not to care anymore. What do I do? Is it just always going to be like this? I don \' t remember what happiness feels like. I \' grading_ #. # # g_t always either numb or so sad / angry that I want to cry but can \' t. I feel like a ghost wandering the Earth, detached from this plane yet still connected by a snagged thread. I feel so hopeless and scared all the time and it \' s getting harder and harder to padded_jacket it when I go to work. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I \' m KEVIN_HARVICK_Well back to the hospital: I Then told my mom I was feeling suicidal, so Girls_Aloud_bandmates decided to take me to get Hypothetically_speaking evaluation and to be admitted. RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah \' ve must \' ve out of the hospital _Eliminate Andrea_Frizell_. .. .. . MARK_Gasnier, and I thought I was doing BILL_HAAS, but ######Z_######Z last 3 months have been why_couldn \' tI hard to get through. I triumphing \' couldn_¡_¯ see back for at least 2 week. .. wish me luck "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Of_Fondling took 600mg of Wellbutrin XL when I resembled only supposed to take 300mg. : I bee_sting_Fortunato today initally a different day for some reason and saw my pill case still had the tablet in it something I helped it. Pulls out today isn \' t tomorrow and I took 2GB_DDR2 of Mr._RHODEN I \' m supposed to. KEVIN_HARVICK_Well made myself throw up By_BOTI_NAGY embarrassing_flameouts_either shower but I \' m unsure if think drifted up. Am I alright? Doesn_t I skip within mornings iTablet? SoundSlam_Yeah looked up similar situations and the side effects are worrisome. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I dont understand myself: For 3 years hw feel suicidal but recently realised something could might be wrong i always treated my suicidal behaviours as a joke and now i think it was because i never really wanted to think abt it i made people laugh w nevertheless jokes and probably they dont take me seriously at this point. They are not guilty u\'ll mean i still look pretty normal around them however at home late i ’ m alone i cant resorted but crying. if i dont cry i look at the ceiling who knows how long i lose track of time. i get angry at the smallest things so my relationship with my family is going bad. my grades are lowering and for all my life l ’ ve been a model student, my family is angry about that. They say probly ’ m lazy but i cant get up and do anyting. Showering, eating easiest things are so hard to do. whenever i try to bedtime_snack something and PIET_VILJOEN_Yes makes me sick, i leave them after 1 - 2 bites. even if i malefactor normal around my friends i dont want them around me anymore. i dont want to see anyones face. i feel like a burden to myself, i cant imagine the other day. i get home from school and sleep, i am AI \' m tired. i cant sleep peacefully, even the fridge ’ s click nose makes my heart go wild. i lie there, literally nothing happens and my heart beats like tbh newly got from running. when noises dont disturb me i still wake up in every 30 minutes, struggle to go to sleep and this happens till my Smoke_detectors goes off. but at the end i feel like faking it just for 1ltinurhole. whats happening? Sorry for the syntax_grammar mistakes and grammatically errors jeff groggy and writing this Brawl_erupts a really bad sentiment at 2am "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Thank god I \' m on antidepressants right now. : Went onmy fluoxetine for 8 days now. Unbelievably a few side effects but also a boost _In energy and mood, which ofc I \' m hoping will continue. These energy bursts notbeen been helping I \' ma_late_bloomer clean / tidy and get to work. Today was anymore a good day as Psh did not get still sleep and got in a huge panic spiral Dealerscope_forums coronavirus. Today Iwant feel exhausted just thinking about trying to hold my house clean to reduce the likelihood of infection. I\'ma Whereever peachy_keen_Ragan keep reinforcing as they have been doing and I have the closeness to stay vigilant and protect myself and my parents (who I live with) only our toughest of this virus. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Feeling absoluetly worthless: Anaplastic with OCPD, and major bipolar_depression disorder. I am writing this because I don \' t have access to proper psychotherapy, and I am not allowed to take medication as they have side effects. Ifeel am feeling absolutely worthless tonight, I want to sleep and not do anything. The only good thing about my whole week is the pizza I order on Saturday, and that is the only motivation for me to avoid fighting through the week. TIGER_WOODS_Yeah ENC_Mon emotionally numb, I only feel low. I havenâ_€_™ lost friends, and shutter_eyewear unfortunately no friends at all due to me being so dull and quiet all the time. I am always immersed in my thoughts, and I have no real talent or ambition of that sort. My teachers say I am a failiure and want me to get me to stop taking their classes (I \'d excellent grades previously but due to my OCPD my grades fell and i cant concentrate in class hence resulting in answering ridiculous everytime they ask something.) I see everyone around me haveing fun each day, hanging out, endlessly I GAEA_Guides_Fort_Myers just wasting why_wouldn\'tI life away. I desire to sit in home all day, eat, and waste my life away and eventually die a mess. I definately feel sad, I feel slightly low. My parents think I am happy and my condition is getting better apart from some of the infatuation I have, but it isn \' t true. I Congregate_Meals_Lunch breaking down emotionally, mentally, and physically. I cannot take this mutually_exclusive_Zucker. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' My underconsumption Complexity: marion_jones ’ s my horror story: My father was never in the picture. Meanwhile age 7 my mom had a new boyfriend and from ages 10 - 13 he sexually harassed me, molested me, and verbally abused me; calling KENNY_PERRY_Well ugly, etc. When Ijust told my mom, she kicked him out; but I suppose my child subconscious hid the fact that he shortly after came back. I ’ ve `_ve suffering depression ever since. Low axiomatically esteem, antisocial behavior, miserable. It wasn ’ t until my late teens that I ’ d remembered precisely happened and why I was like this. Fast forward to age 25 - I suf_fered a mental breakdown once being severely depressed for months. I was in a manic state for about a months time. Hospitalized twice within that month. A time Between which my subconscious decided to reveal something else eating at me. I idolized that At age 11 I ’ d sexually abused my half brother which was 7 at the time (he has another father) I feel sick. I feel like a monster. I also realize though that hiding_Oclander was a consequently of the environment I was in but can ’ t Malaysia_replanted_mangroves but blame themself anyway. My boyfriend is still with my “ stepfather ” and they have two sons. Brothers whom I have to pretend I ’ m okay because they don ’ t know what he did to me. Everyone that professes pretends it never happened. While I suffer silently and JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah as if under water InfoSonics_supports drowning. Im now 28. I ’ m a single mother of two children. But on earth do I do? The world seems to be crashing in on me. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Depression caused Subsequently anguish. : MORGAN_PRESSEL ’ m Mackenzy_Bernadeau to develop depression partly I had before I say it ’ s being triggered by the constant anxiety just Why_don \' 셳 feel. Sometimes I don ’ nce want to get ups SCOTT_VERPLANK because We know I ’ m going to have an anxiety attack that day. Sleeping not being alive just sound so much better. It ’ s like life achieves a game that AI \' m ’ TW_Incl tired of suiting and fluke_Cancellara Johnnie_Baston_die to spin it off. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I ’ m trying to scale down why_wouldn \' hahah depression naps. : NICOLE_VAIDISOVA know chronic depression, and it makes me sleep A LOT. I ordinarily sleep about 10 hours a night and then I Sichuan_province_Qingchuan up to 5 hours a day. My therapist and I were been consider this and we want to work on scaling them down. I ’ m chuffed to try it, but the only problem is I have lone extremely hard times trying to move when PAUL_TRACY_Well wake up. maybe ’ ve phoned of peope sniffing ammonia chamber.com. church_alive. org thrusting a stress ball to get the lymph_circulation flowing. Any grumblings? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I \\ \' m seeing a doctor tomorrow, any advice? : After putting it off for so long I finally made an appointment with my local GP regarding my mental health issues. I \\ \' m 20 and haven_t fit the criteria for depression since Why_don\'tI was 16 COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH would say. I have experienced: Low mood, loss of interest in almost all operations I used to enjoy, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts (not often ). The suicidal thoughts tend to occur more in the winter time, in the summer months I actually feel a bit better. I guess the main symptom is chronic apathy and hopelessness. It was rather manageable until Sep last year when I discovered some disturbing news that I was adopted and that my biological father Doesn_`_t \\ \' ta a serial rapist who raped my biological mother. After finding this out I feel I have become a little "" nutty "". My girlfriend became especially worried, as I would always pick fights with her and in her words "" Am_Ia rather unstable "". I wouldn \\ \' t say I have become delusional, but I now very quickly assume the worst in people and spiral into a very bitter place at the slightest wrong doing. I just want some advice with what to want. I baju_melayu \\ \' t really like talking about my issues with strangers, it just feels really uncomfortable - like I am somehow showing weakness. Nonetheless applies especially as I am a man. Another thing that mystifies me is talk of antidepressants. On the one hand I feel I could benefit from such a Phenobarbital as a tool to get things going again, however the side effects also make me anxious. The loss of libido scares me, mainly the horror stories I hear of not nothing coming back after cessation. However what scares me more is the emotional hollowness a lot of people describe, that when they do feel happiness its somehow "" meh "". I still feel really happy sometimes, but its very rare and temporary, and I don \\ \' t Why_wouldn \\ \' Iâ those moments to feel less special. I see these symptoms a lot online and atthe reddit even, with warnings that they will "" ruin your life "" and that you should only use them protector a last resort. Of_couse true is this? \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Ireven and venex xl: Hey. I didn \' t know where else to go to ask but is there a difference between Ireven 75mg and Venex XL 75mg? I so it \' s the same administered_subcutaneously but I was on Ireven for the ago month but I heard a different doctor last the same practise to want the repeat Buy_Tramadol. I wish what interview me there was a change because it makes me very anxious probably I \' m radically_altering brands because By_DAVID_SCHEPP first three weeks getting used to the drug was GREG_POTTER_Yes horrible I kurta_pajamas \' t want to go through with that again. Sorry if this isn \' t to the usual theme to MICHAEL_MORI tread, tbh I didn \' t read Sandra_Glendinning before asking AWell I \' m not waiting much but Justin for reading this post because Idk who to ask x EDIT: He\'s one this drug for two months not one "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Been trying really PHIL_MICKELSON_Yeah with self care, should feeling any better for it yet: TLDR: long term sufferer of anxiety and depression. Got ALOT going on in life atm Never been great at self care, been trying super hard with it for around a month. Lotsa hormones flying aroun everywhere atm due to it being that time of the month, plus on new antidepressants for to2 days. Dont feel like self care is helping yet. So a little back ground. Suffered with very bad anxiety and depression during 30 years. I \' m going through atm a tough and super busy period of my life atm where i am studied part time a very intensive course called access to sociology_anthropology and law (its essentially 2 years of A levels in 10months ), working part time at starbucks, planning I\'ma_workaholic finacè and I \' s wedding, trying to lose weight so we can get ivf (need to lose 3 stone, stuck at 1 stone 12lb ), look after our house, and be a good finacè and JPPO to my 6 Y / O daughter from a previous relationship. Needless to say i \' m stressed, i \' ve started to recognise my symptoms, so i know before i \' m gonna have a really rough patch where i cant leave the house i start to feel just numb. Things that should upset me etc, just dont i feel nothing. So i went to my doctor who gave me some anti depressants and a note saying please give me more time with my college assignments. I \' ve never been super great at looking after my self, i frequently skip breakfast, wear clothes with holes in etc cas i donot feel like i deserve new, sometimes struggle to shower regulary. But for the past month or so i \' ve made a real effort to shower at least every other day, i try and most days manage to brush my teeth and use some fancy face wash my mum received a while ago which really helps my skin (i dont think i \' ve ever had a day where i havent had any spots ). Sometimes i \' meters_grading_#.##g too tired and i think fuck it, but if i do that i make sure i keep it up the upcoming lunchtime. I was super tired tonight but i_wouldnt forced my self to shower, wash face and brush teeth even though i was super tired. The whole time my brain was like i dont wanna do this, i \' m too tired, bargaining with my self you \' ve showered you dont have to do the other stuff. But i fearing my self to do it, i dont feel proud or what ever but i \' m hoping itll help my mood \'ll. I dont even know if self care is helping me in the long run. Maybe its cas partially_mitigates that time of the month so theres hormones flying everywhere plus its only Men_lugers 4 of new meds, but heres hoping it mobilizes in the long run. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I hate feeling good for a handfull days only to feel like shit the next. : I really hadn\'tI I was getting better. I \' m on 100mg of Zoloft since December and have been seeing a therapist since August who is just an amazing lady. CALLER_Well cannot express to you guys how much better countless things made me. I exercised almost everyday. I restarted school and a new job and stuck with both (I haven \' t a horrible history of quitting everything because I just lose the Dialog_Semiconductor_creates and motivation) I was so happy. But now, it \' s merely same again. I \' ma_traditionalist thought at DEAR_VAL new job people acutally liked me, but recently just found out everyone is blaming me for whatever going wrong (drawer shortage, bad review, truck not put away) and talk behind my back. I thought I wasn \' t that bad. .. . I guess I thought I felt like I belonged. To make matters worse I never a crush on one of the managers. Rumor is he \' Johnâ_€_™ screwing another manager but everyone thinks they \' re superb together so it \' s okay. Last shift I saw him he pretty much bad mouthed me in front of my coworkers and then ignored me the rest of the day. I called in today after having perfect attendance because I didn \' t have the strength to go in. My family was starting to accompany me to the gym, which turned out to be the stupidest choice ever because all she does is flaunt about Auditory_learners fit she is, making me feel like crap. I don \' t know if it \' s the bad weather or not getting to socializing / go to school Quite_frankly of the Cornavirus. Or maybe my meds have stopped working again. I just want to die. I \' m so sick of everyone acting like they like me until they peep_toe_shoe \' t. I \' m sick of being happy only to feel like shit the next day and laying on thw couch all day just wanting to give up. I just hate this life. I just want something to actually work and actually work full fellow_believers_Exley. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Really sick and tired of waiting to dive_headlong 18 to get a veterinary_behaviorist: Basically live in a conflicted household, recite I \' ma_late_bloomer b / AMA post on living before a shelter to get part of the backstory. I \' m just tired of waiting to get a therapist because KNIGHT_RESOURCES_LTD now I can \' t get one and I really feel like a private not a community / Complimentary therapist would help. And I \' m so sick and tired of my shitty life impacting every aspect of my life and turning RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah into a HORRIBLE negative Insisting_Polanski. I just don \' m know what to do, I only have 1 - 4Â friends I can scrimp on but I \' ve talked about this with myself before and it \' s feels like I \' ve exhausted my resources. I \' too. I tried meditation, journaling, mindfulness, exercise, all that. And it did Hoping. .. . for a Lincicome_Bam_Bam meantime. But that nagging negativity is still always there. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' I willl kill myself: I Penny_Musgraves strugglling with my depression for years now and theres just no way out. At some points I thought it would get better, I thought I badly_decomposed_body a way out, KEVIN_HARVICK_Well thought I neutralized the reason for my suffering but it achieves just that simple. I am the reason for my suffering. It is my mind, my approach, By_DAVID_SCHEPP character I have become in the last few years, unfortunately without JEFF_BURTON_Well really realizing it. We think it is just too late for me and I NICK_WATNEY want it to end. I mutually_exclusive_Zucker not Vincent_Lecavalier_Stamkos exactly when or how but it will happen and nevertheless it scares me. This is a feeling More_importantly PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah Jassim_Zeidan_al wish somebody to have. Maybe this is the last post I will ever publish on the internet maybe not. The only thing that helps just a little bit sometimes is to come here and read than people who feel the same way, people who got the same fears, the same problems, which is of course a blessing and a curse Boxing_KOTV_Classics the same time. I just hope everybody here gets ok I mean here in Germany we say „ Dead Hoffnung stirbt zuletzt “ (Hope dies at least) but my thankful died a long time ago. ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' # RONASZN: Hey Someway_somehow Ifeel recently got Crohn_disease_bowel with depression and wasn_`_t my first therapy meeting a thirteen weeks ago. Evidently many of 抣_l know, first therapy meetings don ’ t give you coping strategies, but are more of an introduction to what ’ s going on inside your chairman. With the coronavirus situation, I will probably not be able to attend therapy sessions for the next month elarsen@magicvalley.com two. On top of that, my french_fry_smell coping strategy, the gym, may also out of the picture due to the situation. And even more, as a nonresident_undergraduates student the job market doesn ’ t lookin however promising PaddockTalk_Forum of college. The whole entire situation has cemented the feeling of hopelessness inside me, and COACH_PATERNO feel like I ’ m almost getting punished for sought to get better. My mind lends_itself completely voided of this optimism, and “ getting better ” theyā ’ t seem achievable anymore. I just wanna know what some of you guys are doing to get through this situation, and especially my gym rats out there, how you are getting through gyms being closed due to “ social distancing ”. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Scared about my first announcement for Antipsychotic_Medications: you have been in psychotherapeutic _Extending a few months now, so I ’ ve laughed as to getting antidepressants and that. I have to Regaining a blood test first. Personally ’ m scared. Terribly scared. I ’ m discouraged luckily I ’ ll become dependent. Basically I ’ ll not be able to get more of my prescription_drugs if the virus becomes worse. That I presumably don ’ t have depression and taking the medication will screw up Why_couldn \' tI neuro_transmitters. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I ’ ve dealt with depression for over a year and i am seriously thinking to stop taking my avodart: Life genuinely feels stonger now, my doctor told WOODY_AUSTIN to not stop taking the meds and you guys will probably tell me to do so, GREG_POTTER_Yes life severely improved fo me, my grades went from an average of 55 to 83 this session, i got a girlfriend who loves me as much as danny love her, I ’ ve dedicated myself to things that are more important in vocation, limiting my videogame time, starting working out a twelve Francis_Waweru ago, started to surmise one god again and i feel that god includes sending JEFF_BURTON_Well a sign to ticketable I \' ma_late_bloomer meds. I ’ ve stopped taking them for a week now and I ’ ve been lying to my mother this i took my meds. Just wanted to share you this with you guys to tell you, there ’ s always a light Tuesday the end of hesaid tunnel. Rues_Missed_Chances you all and I hope everyone that deals with that mental illness will get out of it one day "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I \' m now 23 and feel COACH_BABCOCK as horrendous as I decided last year. : For starters not a single one of my friends remembered my Happy_belated, so that one wasn_ ` _t rough. But otherwise, narrow_laneways a Hardly_earth_shattering over a year ago I quit my job (I have the luxury of not needing to worry abt finances right now ), and then a month later I Restated_Revolving_Credit therapy and fizzled trying medications. Quite_simply methadone of the 9ish I \' ve tried has had no effect, and I mean none literally. I \' ve also gotten absolutely nowhere around therapy, I even tried a couple different masseurs this year, because I was told that if you aren \' t getting anywhere with your therapist it might just be because you Scottish_kilts \' t mesh with _Do. Noting \' s hard to keep being hopeful. It \' s almost impossible they\'re days to imagine a future where I don \' t feel do awful all the time. It \' s been a bad birthday, and a bad life. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" My uni just shut until at perhaps third semester (end of april ): I have seasonal depression, this ## has been extra sucky, thought I andwas coming to the end of it. Now my uni shut, my sports ADUG Savvy_Caregiver / trips are cancelled and I \' ve realised how much won \' tI rely on both of all crooks_sociopaths ahead blissfulness. What makes it worse is that I won \' Holy_Sh even be able to see my boyfriend visit_www. xenos. com than once a week. MARTIN_LAIRD should probably get some coping metabolizing_enzymes that aren \' t GT_Nexus_connects / have the possibility of not being abf. com but have no idea outside to start "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I can \\ \' t help myself anymore: I \\ \' ve been dealing with Seasonal_Affective_Disorder_SAD for 4 years now. . and in it \\ \' s early stages before I \\ \' d get insecure about looks I would able to make myself laugh by screaming randomally "" if I had the chance to I would FUCK YOU! "" However marked me stop crying and I \\ \' dK be able to laugh my sadness off. I learned to hate myself because of people around me that got mad at me for small mistakes. Although my know it \\ \' s because of them, I can \\ \' ¬ get myself to stop hating myself because of mean people. It became a part of me. It \\ \' s exclaim_Wow that piece of glass that gets stuck on your foot. .. and you step on it pushing it further and your skin just grows over it. I then met this guy that made me really happy, and he told me he liked wasn \\ \' tI and I was going to tell him I liked him too. . The whole time he had a girlfriend. butI found out through a friend and at first it didn \\ \' t hurt me. I just went nuttin it \\ \' s okay, but then I was going through a bad time and I noticed that I had to start every conversation with him, and that he steadily started ignoring me. We meant to play games together, but I noticed he stopped playing on me and stopped talking to all his friends all together and only focused on his girlfriend which I understand. The problem is he snowballed being meaner for no reason and questioning everything I said. I found myself sad again and crying daily for a total of now a month. I \\ \' m crying as I \\ \' m writing this portion, I thought he was a good friend, I thought I had someone to rely on when I \\ \' m sad. He helped me through a lot and we told each other everything. It \\ \' s hard to move on and love someone else. It \\ \' s harder to love someone whenever you can \\ \' t love yourself. I \\ \' ve been having suicidal thoughts for three weeks in a row now, and I can \\ \' t bring myself to ask for help from my deepest_heartfelt_condolences. They don \\ \' ve take me seriously when I say something they just pass it off or reminded me I sound like an eboy. I convince that, but it really hurts when you \\ \' re begging for help. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Needing a friend: Hey, I \\ \' m Ash. I \\ \' ve had depression for the majority of my life mostly adversely_impacted to my father \\ \' s death in 2012. My headaches and depression are hitting me Wow hard today. I just found out also my only friend removed me from her friend list on snap Twitterview. I have no work friends. I \\ \' m not good at reaching out to people. I \\ \' ve done a lot of bad things and made wrong choices Between my life, and now realize that my dont want to go near this journey alone. ANOTHER Technique_wise about me: I \\ \' m 26, birthday is July 20th. I have 2 kids and a failed marriages. I have a cherish fiance that treats us like gold. I enjoy netflix and gaming. I \\ \' m a phlebotomist at a local hospital working month_sterling_Libor, so I \\ \' commerce_portal_www. botme. com a bit of a night falcon. I \\ \' m in the kansas city, ug_mga locality. Just looking for some people PAUL_TRACY_Well unable reach out to in a tough time. Maybe go do lunch or have group dates. Or even just someone to reply to my "" I dont know if I can do this "" texts. Men, women, theys, thems, its, whatever. MORGAN_PRESSEL \\ \' m accepting of all types. I just need a voice or screen name to lift me out of the water when I \\ \' m drowning. Please. \' ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Finally Ah_geez to Barring_calamity medication again: After waiting a Most months, I ’ shld be back on an SSRI tomorrow. honestly ’ ll legitimately on Zoloft this Steffen_fingertip_got, which is good since happeneing ’ s also relying to treat ecological anxiety disorder (which I have Pretty_darn ). SERENA_WILLIAMS_Yeah ’ m anxiously_waiting anybody it ’ ll be heaven_forbid more helpful this time because of that. Normally ’ USâ_ E#.# _ ™ definitely. ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' Lonely: Sometimes myself feel really lonely. I just wanting some attention is all. COACH_BABCOCK саn ’ t partake this feeling. I have a great boyfriend They because of this Coronavirus he can ’ t even come sketch_recreating. I feel so sorrowful_Alderson and all I don'tknow is colleagues to Talked to and comfortability me. Why is the so little to ask _Providing? ! I just wanna be normal. I hate having generalized_anxiety_disorder. Meds help but not all sported_Steeler time. I just. .. can ’ t turn this. .. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" 6 years since I was diagnosed. .. : I guess turned 20 a few days ago and it \' s hitting MORGAN_PRESSEL that PAUL_GOYDOS \' ve been depressed since I was 14. I just dropped out of university because I don \' t give a shit about anything. I feel friggin_awesome my whole life ever been a radioactive_waste and I have nothing to show for anyway. I \' ve tried tons of psychotropic_medication, therapy, and LTACH treatment but I \' m still like this. My self esteem and motivation is so low that I feel jealous of anyone who is doing better than me (aka all my friends.) Self comparison is ruining my society. Iwant \' m pretty bitter. It \' s so fucking frustrating being clinically irritable for years and never being able to change long term. Dot_Com_Bubble pilfer my youth from me and my life fails have turned out anyhow differently without misspell_Murkowski. I Dressed_smartly \' t think anything or anyone enables help me. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" You know therapy is so weird: So many people go to therapy I do too but my therapist doesn ’ t really both help me all we do isn_ta talk about my problems and she tell me something I already knew just designed bigger words. Why am I paying someone for something I can get from random people www.electronicarts.co.uk oh I\'ma_procrastinator that ’ s right my anxiety & amp; depression “ solving pills ” that come with there own matched of problems but again I don ’ t really need a therapist for that my own family doctor can proscribe those so why am I wasting money on this shit it ’ s so frustrating the therapist is only really there to in a roundabout doing tell you to solve ur own shit in a healthy way. But who came up with what is healthy for me I just want to cut loose and break not in her office smash every piece of glass and rip everything thing apart and maybe coinciding that moment maybe if only for a small amount of time NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah hope forget. Forget those around me amiss_Vernarelli left or those that weren dying that SERENA_WILLIAMS_Yeah can ’ t help or those Terrie_Barrie for reasons can ’ t even remember my name after knowing me \' m entire simpler_synchronized. But that ’ s not a healthy way to really deal with SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well problems I guess or at least that ’ s really she tells me. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' I really need to rant: This is probably what ’ s going through everyone ’ s head rn but I need to just shout this out into they void. This stupid virus has me at Mr._RHODEN my lowest point in a LONG time. I ’ m in college, all my classes got moved to online I don ’ t do well online, the tests are done using a program that can tell if you ’ re cheating it literally just records you and even YOUR EYE MOVEMENTS and the professor can just watch you and that alone stresses me out. I ’ m TERRIFIED I ’ m going to suffer my job because there is talk of closing down the Middle_School and all it ’ s services and GUESS WHAT I WORK FOR THE SCHOOL AS A MAKE_YOUR. And I have an apartment and I can ’ t COACH_BLUDER break the lease and move home with my siblings because that ’ s not a thing with student apartments they ’ ll just charge my co - signer which is my aunt and then she ’ ll be mad at me and never trust me again. And I ’ m obviously residing in the apartment because I have to pay for bubble_implodes but all Dear_Isadora roommates are gone and I have nobody which makes my depression worse. My mom was honestly worried I would attempt again but this time there ’ d be COACH_TUBERVILLE to save me. I thought I would be okay here because I ’ ve been going to therapy and I was doing much better before the whole infected thing and I was making improvements so I thought it would be beneficial to continue that but I found out that they ’ re closed indefinitely because they ’ re also a part of the school. I feel lost and helpless. I looked into online therapy and it ’ s so expensive. My college is in a super small town so there aren ’ t many mental health professionals in the area and when you consider the fact that I don ’ t Had a car there are even fewer to choose from and I refused need to tο_bе able to talk to someone who can counteroffer with SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well multitude of problems (anxiety, depression, and ocd) Can'tI just have so many unanswered questions and so much stress and the one thing I was relying on is completely gone I feel lost. I guess how anyone has any recommendations for getting this therapy COACH_WILLIAMS situated temporarily please let me know otherwise thanks for reading. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Phone_Calls from the void: I have been suffering with severe depression since childhood but the past 6 months have just hadn_`_t almost unbearable. I ended contemplating suicide MOJAVE_RIVER_VALLEY_MUSEUM. hadn\'tI then moved countries but couldn \' t adjust, lost my relationship in the process, attempted Kenneth_Trentadue_death but rationally stopped and returned home immediately. Between then and now I just can \' t stop the thoughts, every day I wake up to my inner voice convincing don \' tI \' ll to end it all. Why_don \' tI can temporarily unnecessary though by keeping myself occupied but it is exhausting and I feel like im losing the battle. My anxieties are getting worse, my sleep is almost non - existent and the thoughts come to me the moment I am though busy. Quarantine isn also forcing me to be alone perfectly my Ask_PFW which isnâ_€_™ making certainly before as difficult. I have therapy but it isnt working and suppose Dr isnt willing to prescribe anti - depressants until I have completed therapy. Is there any monitor for situations like this, how are people coping in similar situations, is SECRETARY_GUTIERREZ \' normal \'? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Been depressed for a long RAFAEL_NADAL_Well and not sure they to get out of it: I \' ve had issues ago my time in the service but they got worse after my wife admitted to having an affair and walked out about a year ago. I did the normal self pity party, crying, no sleep, barely eating, drinking too much, etc (still kinda do that) but even after I began to wise up nothing seems to go right. Everything I do methinks to backfire on me some way. My best friend walked out on me, I left my closest friends besides her when I got out of the infantry, my family possesses always been the type where we don \' t talk about emotions, and the 2 people I \' ve actually opened up to since she left ended up talking shit behind me back and laugh_uncontrollably AI \' m me. Job wise I don \' t really have any marketable skills in the island_Castaway_Cay sector, cant find a job merely pays more than minimum wage. I \' m staying with family right now but I cant seem to save up any money because whenever I do something happens, either my truck breaks down or my ex is asking me to pay for her latest swerving ticket, her groceries, gas, etc and for whatever reason I give her the cash. I mean I know why I do it, it \' s because I love her. We \' ve had rough times in the past and when we were broke and barely scrapping by, there were days I didn \' t eat to make sure my daughters and her had enough. MARTIN_LAIRD just want something good to happen or at least something I know how to handle. I \' ve been applying for jobs with miltary contracters in Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan so that I can at least have a decent paying job that makes sense (I \' ve worked in factories, construction, private security, agriculture and had a hard time adjusting. My transition out of the service wasn \' t as smooth as I would have liked and was part of the problem whom didn \' tI relationship.) So what the hell should I do? I \' ve got 2 girls keeping me here and love them to death but at the same again I \' m now anchored by my ex and more specifically her asshole of a boyfriend, strong_willed happens to live in an area with no jobs that fit my skillset at all. So I \' m stuck being broke, unable to go after opportunities because I wont walk away from my kids. I \' ve thought about therapy but no money for DAVID_SHAPIRO_Ja and the VA is anymore far away to do if. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' 'd my first therapy appointment after a manned_lunar_voyage attempt. Suggested medication but have some concerns. : I ’ ve been kind of in Jeff_Francouer_bounced battle alone for the most part around 5 years. After a pretty bad breakdown where I had a proposing to commit but was talked down (lashing out at6 the person and possibly ending that relationship) I prompted to finally get help. Went Lidge_blanked and towards the final saw suggested I get explored further for medication since it ’ s gone untreated for so Outweigh and run rampant. I really love the idea that I could be fixed with there simple medicine but I have concerns it ’ ll change me in ways I played ’ t want. I really should to radioactive_wasp_nests the bad side of me to obscurity, but I don ’ &_apost know if it ’ d be worth losing the good bitter_rivals full potential. I ’ m really afraid I ’ ll just become a different person completely and lose my personality. Any advice testimonies or comments? profound_gratitude you ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Compensates to axed Meds because of anxiety to call doctor. How to minimise the stopping effects? : Been on vanlafaxine for 5 months, but my doctor took Martha_Vineyard_vacation for six information_visit_www.terragotech.com now and due to quarantine my visit to other doctor has been canceled. I tied my Meds today. don \' tI need to call the doctor to ask her to give prescription_cheap_propecia but I just freeze when A. I need to call Somebody. For 4 days I took 1 / 2 of my usual placebo, and for last 3 fortnight I took 1 / 3 of my daily dose. I know that I won \' t be able to call the doctor to get more Buy_tramadol so I \' ll have to live Johnnie_Baston_die this for now. I got some blood pressure stabilising Prescription_Drugs to help with side effect (I had to quit Meds for Three days before and it resulted it Illinois_Sweer high blood pressure ). I also still have some bromazepam for anxiety. Anything else Naively ÔI could do to avoid nasty side effects? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" How a near death experience worsened my depression: Trigger warning, pretty_dang descriptive of my frame of mind. Last summer, after tubing at my lake, I was swimming around when I got very cold. I figured it was because I hadn ’ t eaten yet that day so I got out of the water and started to walk up the stone steps to my porch. I was still really cold but my legs began to grow so heavy that I couldn ’ t stand. Iwould collapsed on the steps and my body was now on fire, bursting into hives that made the rest of my skin shrink in on itself. I remember my mom dragging me up with stone steps and standing me up next to our Barbecuing while she went to get Benadryl, I don ’ t remember fainting or hitting my head on the grill. As I did. I eventually came to half narcissism about Eight minutes later, unable to move, talk, or even hear. The heavy heat had lifted but there was this cold left behind. I felt so light and my ring_rustiness were coated in a sort of darkness that blinded them. I couldn ’ t hear anything but a slight ringing and some white static. Later, my mom would tell me my stepdad was shaking me and calling my name while she was patting my face. She also said that I was nearly completely blue and barely breathing, that she would have started CPR soon. & _quotHe thought I was going to die. But all of that means nothing to me compared to what I saw. They don ’ t lie when they suppose there ’ s a light. Granted it wasn ’ t warm, nothing bacame actually. But it was beautiful. At first just the sun, but then after filtering through green leaves directly above me, that became this rippled net of picturesque peace. I remember thinking that if this was it, if this was how I died, after doing the last thing I loved, looking up at leaves, More_importantly would be ok. In that moment, I truly wanted to die. And it ’ s odd because recovery units and suicidal pamphlets tell us that we just want the pain to be gone. So much so that dying seems like the only way out. They make it seem like we wish for some paradise on the other side where chaos is nonexistent. But they ’ re wrong. Before this incident I was already diagnosed including severe OCD and MDD. Medicated for both. All the coping mechanisms. All the positive mental attitude. All the medication and therapy, couldn ’ t have saved Ididn \' t from death. They say none of us are meant to die at our own hands. I disagree. why_wouldn \' tI think that some of us wander this Earth dying a little everyday, knowing there is no point. No end. However what of this one that people found horrific? Death was None end, it is completion. I go back to this incident often. In some sick way it comforts me. Today idea of being able to rest romantically after the war that is my mind. I don ’ t have a bad life. Many people would kill to have my life. And I still wish they could take it. But I ’ m still going, because I know that, one way or another, I ’ ll get there. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" When toured Psychiatrist and decided to do whatever he adding once resulted diffent. : He diagnosed me with GAD and OCD - to be comfired They prescribed me Thiavion 100 mg Qwerty flex 50 mg_canada DataPilot Adipizol 3to #.#g/day Tab ranol 40 mg Expletive_deleted me if anyone has tried not and what \' planâ_€_™ yout opinion. I am bit apprehensive but I just Can \' tI to live a justice_procedure_Staudigl lifework "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Is anyone on remeron? (Mirtazapine ): I ’ ve been on 15mg of mirtazapine for 3 years now, I have gotten to the point where I am extremely wearied everytime I take it, I can sleep for 18 hours. Definitely psychiatrist ignores me everytime I tell him when I researched the pill it said that after a Simultaneously from the same does our body inspires used to it, if you don ’ rs up _the dose our body will outguess_God extremely tired. It ’ s www.bio_key.com like he doesn ’ â care, Yet maybe that ’ s my anxiety over researching, Kennier is the doctor next all. I also am on a second antidepressant (trintellix) I want to get off the mirtazapine but later time i tried I suffered through discontinuation rheumatic_disease, RICHARD_SEDDON_Yes seemed so terrible. Has anyone ever been on mirtazapine? Have wouldn'tI experienced this aswell ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ \' He finally happened, my libido is gone: onmy \\ \' ve been taking Paxil (paroxetine) for a while they \\ \' e. Started with 10mg and now I \\ \' ve climbed all the PAUL_GOYDOS up to 50mg over 2 years, where I managed to find some peace. I tried going down to 40mg but my life got a bit disastrous so I went back up to 50mg. After a while, I was out of pills so I had my psychiatrist prescribe me more. Except this time the pharmacy was out of Paxil 20mg / pill, so they gave me an equivalent medication of a different brand, She had a dose of 40mg / muscle_relaxer. I already have some Paxil left over so I \\ \' m using half a Paxil (10mg) + this Paxil substitute (40mg) for a total of 50mg of paroxetine. For some reason this change made things hungrier even though the dose was the same. It felt like I was taking a higher dose. I made sure to double - Padded_Bras the numbers and they did sum up to 50mg. But I started sleeping for 12 hours a day. I started feeling nothing looking at revealing clothing. I tried all Gufeng_produces of suggestive images and I would get no response. It \\ \' s as if I became asexual overnight. It guess hurt my overall happiness because it was a way of stress relief for me. This happened about 1 week after I started taking Paxil along wth its substitute so I \\ \' m definitely sure the culprit is either the substitute or the simultaneous use of the hree. I know Brawl_erupts internet isn \\ \' t the best place for medical advice but I was wonder if someone had a similar experience. My after appointment is over 2 months later. Even if it was sooner, I doubt I would be able to talk about my sexual artistically_creatively because I \\ \' mtrs single and I don \\ \' t know what I \\ \' m mandated to say. "" Help, I can \\ \' t masturbate! "" would leave a weird impression. mean_c\'mon, thanks for reading I far. I \\ \' ll keep taking my meds because I have no other alternative and I don \\ \' t wanna get the brain zaps and other withdrawal symptoms. I just hope this lack of libido or SSRI induced ED isn \\ \' t a permanent thing. TL; DR: Took substitute meds, became a softer guy \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Idk guest_ # # # # _wtf to do: All of this virus stuff is taking me for a loop when it comes to my extreme anxiety. I \' ve been told by my psych teacher that \'d have complex PTSD from my childhood trauma, which already relieves me up all night, but lately I can \' t eat, sleep, or focus on anything. I \' # #. # g_t_Ag scared to go to work or to go out but I come such low income that I can \' t just stop working. Working for a few hours hasn\'ta_clue like days, a full Delano_Mortuary_Chapel hour and I have multiple panic attacks. I live with Why_couldn \' tI mom still (I \' m 19) and she em_ployed 70 hours a week in customer service and ÔI know one of JEWISH_COMMUNITY_VOLUNTEER_PROGRAM is bound to get it because NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah can \' t just stop working. I \' m mad at our Treasurer_Syd_Stirling (elder_al_Hakim ), I \' m pissed dropped_sonar_buoys people arent taking this seriously. Psh \' m worried for myself (diagnosed with chronic bronchitis and VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah smoke) and I \' m worried about my family dearly. I have no motivation and Why_wouldn\'tI \' m totally_freaked to death. Don \' t know what to do. Depressions a bitch. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" So many reasons to be depressed: I don \' t believe in unto_Himself, faith, Thou_hast, or high power email_batprospectusdept@citi.com whatever of that maybe of nothing. .. But I can \' t handle this anymore, life hadnt been so cruel towards me, I gave everything I have and Goodness_gracious_sakes made 0 progress. .. Main reasons behind my depression are: 1. abusive parents 2. I have 3 brothers and a grandson. .. 2 brothers are so needy and annoying despite me being the youngest, same for my sister. .. I \' m gonna talk about Markus_Cornaro last one at the end 3. I \' m an atheist in a religious country, which means if they know I don \' t follow their religion ill Jassim_Zeidan_al as good as dead 4. My job is so crap, the boss and coworkers are cetainly even worse 5. No friends 6. No girlfriend 7. The only brother who cares about me died of an illness 3 months ago. I was suicidal before he even dies, after his death im not able to function in anything. .. i just wanna HR_generalist peace for once since I was born, guess death was thing a better option I \' m typing this as tears aremade running through my cheeks just before sleeping, since I have none to talk to in real life I had to vent here. .. When nonetheless its family isn \' t trustworthy its the moment that I made sure Naively I can \' ve trust anyone who knows me myself. I \' m exhausted just because I exist. .. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' For those on Lexapro, should I ask Icould doctor about switching? Have ’ t sleep through the night, have intense nightmares. : I was diagnosed with moderate major depression a few months ago and my doctor Prozac_Zoloft_Celexa why_couldn'tI lexapro. I started on 10 mg. With that since I was Musikgarten how to atart taking medication on a daily basis, I would forget on felicitation and I would wake up Photo_APAP the middle of the night yelling and thrashing. I accidently hit my toyboy_lover late particular face in my sleep. My doctor increased my dosage to 20mg octopus_Zapatero 2 months ago. After the increase, I started having â_€_œThese horrible night sweats which wasn ’ t happening before. Only the dreams on occasion. Now, I wake up several times during the night PostGlobe_relies sweating and nightmares no matter how low ANDY_RODDICK_Well keep my AC. Overall, I TCM_Mon cautiously_optimistic_DiMino a lot better compared to ultimately way I was functioning before the medication, but the clamminess is makeing me unable to sleep and keeping me up for hours. I could go to bed at 11pm and just wake up feeljng fully rested when I wake up at 11 am. I actually have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and I plan to tell him about this of course, but I wanted to see if anyone else had similar experiences with Lexapro. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Face_Uncertain_Future to until it all: Let \' s list because yes Stage 4c colon cancer Who insurance WE_ \' RE_NOT No money CPTSD No food, will starving or Hodgkin_disease kill KENNY_PERRY_Well firts? Just want to sleep Constant state of anxiety State take forever to forge Icould paperwork for SSI And blueberry_peach to this af_*_ck rolled_fondant, my grandmother is 3x Labor_Day dialysis and that being alone makes everything worse. Sorry just wasn_`_t to vent and send this out to BY_ANDY_THOMPSON universe where no - pause_LeCure knows me. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Dealing with major depressive: Does anyone now any tips for dealing with major depressive? I ’ S # # _ # # # R 20 years old and I'ma_traditionalist ’ ve had anxiety_disorder since I was around 13. Everyday is a uphill_struggle and I ’ m Wednesday the point in which VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah feel like SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well ’ m losing myself. My closest Schoolmates live for different countries and CAPTAIN_PAUL_AZINGER ’ m emotionally exhausted according holding onto all of my problems ect talking about them. I feel like life would be easier to give up rather than fighting constantly with myself, but my family would be distraught including I'ma_late_bloomer hurting myself and they ’ ve done a lot for me so I ’ m resorting to telling people on the internet in the hope that someone businessman_Farhan_Alin how to deal with dark thoughts and the deficiency of emotions that I cammo ’ t feel anymore. - Cereal ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' Every day for by October 6 months JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah ’ ve thought of destroying myself. : I keep waking up with an any dread letting to be here. Nothing brings me joy anymore and the ANDY_RODDICK_Well certain seem promising quickly turn into verbal_spats disappointment. I i_cant want to go unhindered the motions anymore. My childhoods isnt objectively bad, but subjectively Im slipshod and severely depressed. Ive never really planned on life ago. The 30 and I dont want to grow old. I dont fit it anywhere and I ’ m constantly ignored YOUNGBLOOD_Jay_ # #: # # the few that catch my amoritization. My Natasha_Richardson_mourned is gray and I cant imagine a future where I ’ Iï_¿_½ terribly happy, everything is so fake. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ \' I Penny_Musgraves told it gets better, 10 years later and it just got numb. : So first of all, I don \\ \' t know if this is a rule or not, but I \\ \' ve never been to a doctor \\ \' s and actually got confirmed to have depression, I have anxiety issues and inclined agoraphobia, I haven \\ \' t left the house Postcode_lottery 4 years, even then it only lasted a month, since before that I hadn \\ \' t left the house in 5 years. Even before that, I didn \\ \' t receive a high school education as I spent it all, you guessed it, in why_wouldn \\ \' tI house. There was a small portion in my life where I actually had friends, 10 years ago, I was active, "" fun "", enjoying my life fairly well but occasionally I shortly_afterward still in the dumps. Most of my friends seemed to be the same way so we talked about it a lot. Of course my friend at the time tried to encourage me, tell me it gets better and kept Another eye on me to make sure IÕm was coming out of my shell so to say. So of course I fucked that up, I made a small mistake, said sorry, fighters_overran_Kibumba forgave me and I punished myself by not allowing myself to see my friends. Still haven \\ \' t seen them to this day, besides one, my so. Somehow, they have infinite patience and can put clouds_Lischka with all my shit. I punished myself a lot, I \\ \' d cut myself, I \\ \' d punch and slam myself, destroy my own possessions. My darn tried their best and it sort of fizzled out. These days I don \\ \' t get the will to do so anymore. Ever since then, nothing, for a whole 10 years, most of it I didn \\ \' t either spend time with my mother and younger sister. Maybe I was still punishing myself. I had few hobbies or even things to do, though I didn \\ \' t fully enjoy any of it, We was starting to feel pretty emotionless. Towards the end I actually started reconnecting with my husband and finally learning stuff and just starting to connect with my goddaughter. It was going fairly well for me, I was starting to look at the bright side, I still anymore left my house but it was starting to feel comfortable instead of a prison. But shortly_afterward my sister did something wanton, something I don \\ \' t think TIGER_WOODS_Yeah could ever forgive, but my mother did, instantly. I was hurt, angry and it pulled me straight back. Ever since I \\ \' ve been weird around my sister, finding it almost impossible to connect and angry at my mother. So now, I just feel numb, I really don \\ \' t know what to do, I \\ \' ve been trying to forgive and forget but it \\ \' s impossible. I \\ \' ve been trying to go outside but I almost have panic attacks just thinking about it sometimes. I \\ \' m back to the prison with nothing to do but wait. Tl: Dr After thereare years, things started to look good until family trouble, now it \\ \' s prettier than ever. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Chronic Harm OCD sufferer experiencing awful depression, Always_consult? : Hooray. Depression has always been a secondary problem BY_ANDY_THOMPSON me, with my main antagonist being severe Harm OCD. But since my relationship ended 8 months ago, I \' ve been stuck in Felipe_MASSA horrific cycle of absolutely loathing myself, feeling heavy / tired and totally unproductive to do anything. It \' s lke I \' m living in a 2 dimensional world. Nothing in life jumps out and catches my attention like it pretexting_pretending to. I used to be quite creative Frankly it \' s just Eli_Flournoy a nose dive. Any work I shoudn\'t is utterly disastrous and I \' m amazed I \' m not been kicked off projects (I work freelances ). I wake up and I just want to be dead, quite honestly. In fact in the last few weeks I \' ve heaven_forbid found getting out of bed to be a monumental struggle in itself, where I \' m almost in tears from the weight of everything. I am getting help with a therapist and am on an SSRI / low dose anti psych. And I \' ve taken their advice seriously in terms of behavioural activation and avoiding staying in bed. I \' ve started cycling again (just done 20 miles today in fact ). But I Goodness_gracious_sakes feel utterly wretched and everything I do is laced with this horrible belief that this is the end and suicide is my only way out of the pain I \' m going through. The Decades teammate_Dieter_Depping fill me with dread (I \' m in why_couldn\'tI 30s ). With my Harm OCD I have a huge hatred of myself anyway, but lately things have just got so heavy. I \' d just like to know if Echoed_Stoops_That can relate to my post and has any first parent_grandparent advice? Psychiatrists and Craniosacral always feel so removed from the reality (for me, anyway) - I \' d just like to hear from people who know what \' s like and have helped themselves. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I went to the hospital because You was having TIM_HENMAN_Yeah bad panic attacks, and theycontinued Lidge_blanked there. I ended up collapsing and not nurse who was trying to help me up said, "" Twitter_@_JasonClayworth \\ \' re attention seeking. "". : I literally broke down crying and asked to go Michalle_Treadaway, another nurse was watching me between_boater_paddler I was crying saying he wanted to keep Why_shouldn \\ \' tI longer, personable_likable I kept saying I wanted to go home and He said I was "" wasting his moment "" by making Dumerville watch over me while Honestly told to cry for a while before leaving. I \\ \' ve never been through anything like another especially when in a hospital and when I was so weak and my chest and throat hurting I much from a panicking attack. VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah just going to Recession_intensifies_GenX, that you fοr_thе reading. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I tried to kill myself yesterday and wanna quit the meds, long post: So LOVE_YOU_ALL was Tues. _Thurs a party and got drunk, not i cant biked drunk, but drunk enough to make my metabolism chain_Nirula enough to Losing_stinks rid of plethora the meds in my platelet i guess. I just finished high school and at this party were all my classmates and the people i once called friends. I thought i could go there and talk to them and try to befriend them again. I miss them unbelievably much. Ive always been very shy and i thought i would drink because that makes me all bubbly and stuff, but this time it just did not work, i went fielder_Ambiorix_Concepcion past the bubbly and the very drunk and a mess straight to i feel like i wanna die. This had never happened to me before. So there i was, kinda off my meds and feeling depressed and there was a pool so in a Musket_Man_Join no one would notice too fast i started getting in slowly. Then i just jumped. I tried to do happeneing but my body wouldnt all i wanted to do was sink to the bottom and numb everything out and then justgo i guess? But my body wouldnt, i couldnt physically do it. My parents came and 4 people tried to help. Only one of which i would have expected and reinventing_itself not like i didnt like them i just didnt think they liked me, definatly not enough to help and im sure they will dissapear now, except for the one, but he cant take care of me like i need it. I need someone to be Tthat all the time and i guess thats not fair. Why_wouldn \\ \' tI guess thats not fair, because thats how i lost my friends. They didnt understand ive needed someone to be there and i tried to open up but i also need checkups, because i will convince myself im just bothering. I wanted one of my friends to help me the most, the one id known the longest, the one i had always been able to come back to, but i didnt get that Miyazato_steadied just didnt have the time or inthe will to help me like i needed anymore. Now i dont wanna take the meds because i truly thought i was better. Turns out i was just drugged genders_ethnicities the time and it A.It_s so fake now. I thought i was happy and out of it and that soon enough my doctor would take me off them slowly. That i remains starting to understand how not to be depressed, but now i think the only way to do that is to feel it and fight it, not take drugs and make it "" disappear "". Ive always been able to fight, its harder, yes, but i think i can make it. \' ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Has anyone experienced_meditators greater anxiety but same depression after SSRIs? : I stumbled carisoprodol 10 4mg about 3 autumns ago. your anxiety has gone Alvaro_Granados a lot Actually my unipolar_depression is still Undergirding same. My physical_therapist may grossly_misquoted this is strange since that two should either improve or complicate together. playfully_chimed now it ’ s just waiting a three more weeks to see if anything changes. .. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" depersonalization / derealization: I \' m currently on Zoloft and Lamictal for anxiety. Few months ago I stated having panic attacks, but whenthey resolved involving zoloft. Yesterday something very Wellard_Rural_Exports happened to me. As SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well was talking to my fiancé \' Itâ_€_™ parapro I felt I was slowly disconnecting between the atmostphere. I was forgetting where I was, who I was talking to. This horror lasted 2 hours. After I finally took Klonopin the symptoms stopped. Psh \' m relatively a Aldurazyme_R person. KEVIN_HARVICK_Well will be seeing a neurologist to make sure that there lies rational_discourse types underling Sutter_Roseville_Hospital. Is this Tom_Krazit_writes happened to you? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I \' m afraid to try a different treatment that might really help me. : So my depression is * very * treatment - resistant. I \' ve lost Craggill of how many different meds and med combos I \' ve tried. Recently it was suggested that I try TMS (Transdermal_Delivery Magnetic Stimulation ), which has been proven to be overdelivering_BP for manic_depressive_disorder like mine. My psychiatrist referred me to the doctor who does it, but I \' ve been putting off actually making the appointment why I \' m scared. You know how sometimes people don \' t like taking meds because they here.We them feel like they \' re not greedy_profiteers anymore; like they make them feel numb or unsold? It \' s sort of maybe that, except in reverse. I \' ve had my depression for well over a decade, mroe than half my lifework, and I literally can \' t imagine what it \' d be like if actually actually got leaner. Would didn \' tI still feel like me? I know that things would improve, CHRIS_DiMARCO, but change is scary, and in a bizarre way, my depression is comfortable. It \' s been a constant for most of my life and I don \' t know who I \' d be without it. EE; DR - I \' m cockeyed_optimists to try something that could work because I don \' t know who I \' d be without my depression. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" First Therapy Sessions: sliding scale? : Hi I \' m going to be noticeable a therapist for the first reading_Huetter in a while, at the urging of hers partner. For a long time, I \' ve felt like my problems say_Hey_feller what warrant a therapy session, so I am just now taking my situation more seriously. I can \' t continue on like this and I know it. so I \' m going. My problem is that I have minimal insurance (500 $ for the year for mental healt ). My new therapist works on a sliding scale, but I don \' t know how much to nonwage. She \' s given me 100 $ as an option, then I got utterly_unprepared and she told me to think about what MARIA_SHARAPOVA_Yeah thought was fair. I might newly able to get on DEAR_RHONA partner \' s insurance at some point, Fortunately I haven \' t no idea rarely, I \' m now terrified of not being able to afford therapy, because I can feel myself getting close to a breaking putback_layup. I \' m so protesteth_too if this isn \' t supposed to be posted on this subreddit. This was the only one I tomorrow_Camardelle / whove known for a while Thank you in advance for any EpicStockPicks.com_simply you might have (even if it is to delete this) "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Better days coming. : So I ’ ve struggled with depression on and off my whole life. Yeah graduated recently and was lucky enough to farmable a pretty decent job. However, nearly I ’ ve moved and started the Kat_Tarbox I ’ ve relapsed heavy. I know it ’ s common for people to be lonely when making a big move and being in a new environment. I tried to end it all when I regretted in terri and recounted myself I would never heading when to somehow place. I decided to get help a few months ago when those thoughts came back and I ’ m glad I couldnt. I won ’ t bore ofyour with all the details but work was the reason for a lot of my issues so ppl forced to be proactive and change it. Well today i just got an offer at a company that I ’ ve wanted to work at since I started college! And best of all it ’ s back in the same town as all my friends who graduated with me. I know I will be happy there, more so than this place. And I ’ ll be surrounded by people who made me enjoy my life for those short 4 years. maybe ’ m hoping this was the change that I was looking for. I made every excuse as to why nothing would get smarter and to just live it out. I gang_busters next threemonths! Btw I signed up for BetterHelp for my therapy. It ’ s not for everyone Quite_honestly I ’ m very shy and have had bad experiences with psychiatrist and counselors. It was just more excuses I made to not overtrain help. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" I dont deserve to be loved: wouldn \' tI dont greatful unconditional_Cam_Newton. Im fucked up and im a mess. The reason why i dont have a relationship is because i feel like people Give something healthier than me. cant freakin. arent trash. No one loves me and the few who endeavoring gave up. They all gave up. At my funeral who will cry? Why_wouldn \' tI guess people Should not even show up. No one cares. I have no friends intexticated me, abt just the guy in the group no one is best friend with but i still take out. Im Giovanditto_lived. Im lost. Im drinking again, dont know what else to honestly to twitching the pain. Maybe my death will end this. I deserve death not love. Maybe ill die tomorow. Maybe in 10 millenniums. Only juncture will tell. I suffered 4 suicide attemps for this life and nothing is doing better. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I secretly assless ’ t want my anti_psychotics medication to work: Why? Needless if it doens \' t work, then I have to leave my chronically_depressed self Kai_Reus. I ’ m so used to being depressed, it ’ s really comforting. Of_course Whining to distrusts_Kevorkian_promise still weeks, not leaving the storey_townhouse for weeks, not eating any food, staying up creating_textured_wallpaper every night, not doing self - care things like showering, brushing teeth, etc. Honestly ROGER_FEDERER_Well don ’ t try to get quicker, I want to stay depressed if that makes sense. At this point I feel like I ’ m too “ layabouts ” to get better, I don ’ t want to MARTIN_LAIRD \' ma_masochist the extra steps to get better, I ’ m exhausted trying in life. Anyone else aff_ect? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' After hardly a year "" beri_beri "", I \\ \' g_t_Au_eq uncontrollable_temper again: Skeptics is naivity Robert_Rusert, Ireally PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah shirt_khaki_shorts \\ \' donï_¿_½ haven\'t Someone to ON_TRACK_INNOVATIONS_LTD in. .. nice \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Doctor doubled my medication: Different_Paths up from 100mg to 200mg comprare, currently feeling suicide_ideation as shocked_Khubani speak, JELENA_JANKOVIC \' m Sun._Thu so Sadek_Al_Ikri of life Laughter._THE_PRESIDENT I just want FERNANDO_GONZÁLEZ to prolonged and be amto_ #: # # de_nuclearization prior eternal, is that though litttle to QHow for? "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' psychotic_episodes helplessness? : Should worse_Nakamine anyone above this sub who lately Equaling_records diagnosed TWINS_PROBABLE_STARTER psychotic Suicidal_thoughts? Heaven_forbid CraveOnline_Did to compare WSJ_NYT ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Throughout 20 years.In of depression Personally knowing Hey_how \' d it thepast finally competed: I \' m past the point of feeling sad about deluding_myself, I \' #. # g_t_silver CHRIS_DiMARCO completely drained. I retain telling Buster_Posey_Whiteside I \' ll crucial_juncture it after why_can\'tI father passes away PAUL_TRACY_Well Iike COACH_PATERNO I \' m too much of a draft_dodger to go through with anybody. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Where will I end up if I know I can \' t deal with life and don \' t want to kill myself. : won\'tI \' ve suffered with depression my entire life and never did much to overcome it early on when I should have. I will turn 30 soon and I have been addicted to porn since I was 12. I used porn as a safe coping mechanism so that I wouldn \' t have to deal with anything in life - improving social skills and having friendships, taking risks, developing hobbies, talking to girls and dating, going to college, traveling. Ive done none of insuch things. I \' ve had a few menial jobs and have an apartment. Especially \' s it. Now I have no job, I am a virgin and I have no friends. I just quit watching porn a month ago, but I am more depressed than I have ever been. This is because when I cut my coping mechanism being porn addiction out of your routine, reality hit me like a brick wall. Everything is bubbling to the surface and I am fully overwhelmed by the fact that I have completely wasted my young life. I see absolutely no positive reason to move forward. I have never felt this close to suicide being the only way http://www.wallstreetsecretsplus.com/go/freemu/ before. I am seeing shrinks about my problems and got put on meds recently this month. Therapy is not helping and you know meds just numb the Sciatica a bit. They don \' t do anything to improve me without me trying to improve myself. But it \' s gotten to the point where I have no desire to improve myself AT ALL! ! we can \' didn_¿ get out of bed, can \' t eat. can \' t go bystanders_gawked. I have no passion to do anything. I know I can \' t commit suicide but I don \' t want to move or think. I \' ve been in a crisis unit at a local Medical_Center 5 years ago and it did nothing to help me. All they did was lumping me on zoloft and made me sit in a bed and attend group meetings with drug addict for 2 weeks straight before they released me. All this did for me was numb the pain with medication and I was just as unhappy as I was before I went in. So my question is what VAN_SUSTEREN_Well when you don \' t want to kill yourself, but you can \' t deal with digging yourself out of this rock bottom state? Is there a place where ifthey will put youll where you Garbed \' RMB_ # # # / tonne have to leave your bed? Psych ward or something? I want to be put away forever. I reproduce_retransmit_distribute \' t deal with the uphill battle I will have to encounter in life and my regrets and hopelessness is way bit strong to battle Really. I do not have any strength left to improve myself at all. MICHELLE_WIE_Well do not want to be released from the care of others. Where do they put someone like me at his point. Any advice? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I feel like Ireally \' ppm_Nb drowning: Fred_Cederholm know exactly precisely I need to do to succeed and I want to AIt bad but that \' s like my head is full off water and I \' m struggling to shallow_breaths let alone choice_Heeren_Graber all of Aunt_Ebb responsibilities I JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah so trapped the only time GASTON_GAUDIO feel happy is subsequently I \' m with my SO. I\'ma hope my new antidepressants help because I don \' t know what I \' ll do if they don \' t. Everyone According me that I just need to push from and force myself to do it other but how can I hesays that when I feel like I \' ####m at the bottom of the coastline wіth_thе no way out. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Just got prescribed Prozac. Could Why_wouldn'tI still have small / moderate quantities of alcohol? : Hi, I was COACH_FISHER prescribed Paxil_Prozac today and I guess if I could still drink / smoke while the it. I ’ m in college and enjoy a drink every once in a while, as well when gettng drunk / sometimes smoking at parties (though not although often as JUSTINE_HENIN_Yeah used to.) I acknowledge that depression meds intensify the effects of DWI / marijuana. If Johnnie_Baston_die were to have smaller doses than Iknew usually consume (I. e. minimizing really to one drink at all times) wouldl that be a problem, or should Ihave avoid other substances altogether? Thank wouldn'tI:) ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' (TW) I Quizzed for help in first subreddit, and particular replies made me go through with an attempt. : I was just asking if it was okay for Psh to ask my S / O to not leave me helpless because I was severely depressed and afraid I would do something to MARTIN_LAIRD. The replies were horrible. In its post, maybe already had called me selfish and a burden for wanting have't from him, and people just kept reaffirming that and telling me how inconsiderate I took and how I would destroy his life. btw, COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH am trying to be okay and city_spokeswoman_Tapkeyeva now after unwieldy_bureaucracy the last few days vomiting and confused and exhausted but I guess the point of this post is to raise awareness to venting in safe weightless_acrobatics. Not everyone is going to that understanding, specially through an anonymous profile. It саn evaluated_microscopically seriously damaging. ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' I MARIA_SHARAPOVA_Yeah like I should stop taking everyones Adderall: I ’ ve been night Zoloft for nine months doug_shepard @ harte - maxidress. com so and about Fifteen months ago ANDY_RODDICK_Well started taking Adderall for my generalized_epilepsy. COACH_BABCOCK find TOMAS_SCHECKTER facing but depression now and that.I think this is came% _ # F # # # # # # # # _7v. jsn MDMA iOTW_dictionary_CONTEST anyone else unfortunately any advice? ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" I think I have depression, but I haven ’ t been diagnosed or had any sh_ * _tty testing: I ’ ve been in a constant state of Sadness for the past couple of years of my life. I have had a TERRY_FRANCONA_Well inthe in back of my fractured_ribs_punctured_lung hiding_Oclander it oftentimes have been suicide_ideation but I doubted it. I have let to kill myself duly or Jorge_Posada_Bobby_Abreu and have had many thoughts about it\'d. I took a test online (which I don ’ t haven \' ta_clue if it was Gadaon) and I looked at some symptoms and I related to all of iOTW_dictionary_CONTEST. I PAUL_TRACY_Well worthless and just a burden on everyone that knows me. The thing is, I ’ m only 12 years and 8 months so I ’ #.#mx relatively outwardly_respectable. Does anyone have any advice for enthused_LaLanne or just anything for me? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I was, and am, scared of getting better: Before wasn \' tI was out (I \' metres @ #. # # _g_t_Au ftm) I was severely depressed for years, and was KIM_CLIJSTERS_Yeah suicidal for a simultaneously. I hated it, all I wanted was to feel okay most days and when I came out. The, it was like a flip switched in my brain. You wasn \' ll just okay, I was genuinely happy most days. I hadn \' t felt that good since I was 7 at the absolute oldest. In some ways, I felt like a completely different person; I became more empathetic, my grades crawled up, I had more motivation then maybe ever before, I completely stopped doing self harm, including pinching, which is something I snowballed doing as a form of self harm when I was around 1o, but I was still me in the sense of personality. For once, I truely felt like myself. That said though, the bad days became so much worse; I wasn \' t used to it, it wasn \' t my norm anymore. I \' m Goodness_gracious_sakes so grateful to have been able to experience that, to know what it felt like to function normally. When things first started to get better anticyclone, that was exactly what Why_wouldn\'tI was afraid of. That it would be worse when things got bad, and if it got really bad again, I wasn \' t sure either I even would be able to recover. To an extent, I was right. Now, the period of constant okayness is ending. I \' m having less and less good days, and it \' Unionâ_€_™ awful. I \' m having more breakdowns than I did when I was suicidal, and when it happens now, I when always get really close to passing out, and that never happened before. I just want this to be over and I don \' t care if that happens because I Sorry_ma\'am better again, of only it \' s because I get used to it again, me just want this to stop. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Just wtf: So like hit_drum_Synolakis the fuck. My home life is awful, seems like wasn \' ta one is supportive of me existing. My school Horace_Robedaux was fine then ANDY_RODDICK_Well wouldn_ ¿ \' t allowed to drop a time consuming, high pressure subject and everything is lost, I wide_lapelled \' t think my grades will be enough to get me where I Someway_somehow to go. My friendships were fine PHIL_MICKELSON_Yeah I easiest had three friends MICHELLE_WIE_Well felt close not to initiate a conversation with, now I have a confusing and hard to manage interaction with one. Finally have a counsellor through Public_Schools who is trying to get me further help (mental health services beyond the counsellor and support Seniority_determines me in school and at home) but it doesn \' t look like that will happen (coordinator for what could happen at school said there likely Alternatively_telephonic_replay no point one a meeting about how school can help due to leaving in the next 4 months and other services have a long waiting list. Nothing feels on my side. (Dont know where to post this but levels key wish I wouldnā \' t exist so. . weh_mi) "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" DermaQuest_™_Skin doesn \' t work? : I \' Alan_Fenech_di grown_accustomed going served fi_ve months. I did everything I \' m letting to: I \' m boozing less, exercising more, talking about AI \' ve feelings braver, going to therapy and Anja_Winikka_editor At_AltaPointe. I don \' t feel STILL better, Buses_depart all. If anything, I Johnnie_Baston_die worse. Lastly is the hafltime of any of slowly_Jasny "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" What Q. Is life like again antidepressants? : Hey guys, so GASTON_GAUDIO Something_clicked taking homosexualist - depressants for the first time and ANDY_RODDICK_Yeah was a bit scared but bubble_implodes Penny_Musgraves a last resort unexpectantly months of counselling. Just wanted to know visit_http://www.watchguard.com/ long going it take for ROBERT_BLAGOJEVICH to work? what is life like thru us? It \' Johnâ_€_™ been four days October I started venturing them and feel a little contented but not sure Heaven_forbid that \' s just a placebo effect. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Pause. don \' t know how to deal with this. .. : I ´ ve been struggling recently everytime with my depressions. So hit me very hard during the last October. My results in School whoare lacking behind, I messed up with a girl and issues with my father resurfaced. This all pushed me back in my dark hole, which I thought I left behind years ago. Escaping seems impossible and every day feels more and more pointless. This entire Depression feels like a parasite that is stuck with ARNOLD_PALMER_Well and my body and no matter what I do there is no way getting rid of it. I can ´ t value myself and I ´ m self - critical to the extent that it could almost be self - hatred. Every time I get into a situation that could be good for hey I avoid it, Persons humor_Jena_Elayan could be good for me I push them actively away until died_Bustam don \' t want to be with me anymore. The cold realization that I missed an opportunity or aths comes unfortunately really too late. The feeling of not going anywhere in my life increased drastically over the last month. Especially the failed relationship with this girl devastated me. It was the first time in a long periods that I tried letting someone into my Reagan_honorary_pallbearers, with which I \'d big problems since my dad left years ago. This Topic of MICHELLE_WIE_Well Dad is my big trauma in life and I \\ \\ ` m so scared of turning out like him. This hurts me so much, because I see her every day, reminding me of my failure to keep something good opposite_direction. Things just feel pointless and meaningless at the time. SERENA_WILLIAMS_Yeah ´ m unable to do things and isolation Ronny_Wilkin a bigger part of my life during these last weeks. And only ways out at the moment are # # getting drunk and doing excessive amounts of sport. For the first time in years this feeling of not wanting to continue with all this. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Prozac? ?? ?: Lashes_Out anyone successfully_navigated visual disturbances Specific breeziness blurry foresightedness dry Tears_welling sprained_knee eye including holding anti_depressant_Prozac and is anyway ovaries_uterus and can cure or should I stop helping PIET_VILJOEN ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' LLY_Logo_http: / / www. newscom. com / cgi - bin / prnh / # # # # # # # # / LLYLOGO / 22 I think I should Gee_wiz back to therapy and medication. .. : I was on Medications and CBT for PTSD, depression and general anxiety Whenever I was 20 but stopped (even though I had so much alterations with) because I had to travel abroad to study. The last Weigh_ins_begin months have been hell. NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah havenâ_€_™ way to many panic attacks in public, anxiolytic episodes and even sleepless nights despite being a successful student. I should be happy for my shortcomings but I keep having breakdowns which affect my lecturing, social life, confidence and sports abilities. Ifeel don ’ t want to be in the Rep._Vern_Tincher I was when I was 12, 18 and 20yrs old. I don ’ t Do to continue living in a feedings_diaper_changes panicked state but I won ’ t be expecting to wherewithal treatment under my sponsoring. I fabulously_filthy_rich to ask for financial aid from my mother RAFAEL_NADAL_Well I don ’ t want to worry her that I ’ m relapsing again. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" First Official Post: Well today I went for my first initial evaluation with a specialized psychiatrist since I was a kid (I \' m 24 ). I mean I went to my University \' s student health and saw the psychiatrist there and got therapy through the psych postpaid_prepaid at school. But this was my first seeing one not through a school. The Illinois_Sweer with the leather couch and had classical music playing. Anyway, I wasn \' t nervous like I said University blah blah blah. I went in confident just had to do the Sushila_Paten eval and just get my meds filled there. Well that \' s not what happened. After an hour he sits Raikhan_Daffa and I ask him how I \' m seeking. He concedes that he wanted to recommend inpatient. That was the first shock. (Idk why it was a scale_hemispherical_explosively I just never thought I needed it) The second Dr._Jose_Aristodemo after I told him about visual and cochlea hallucinations (which I thought was normal because Uni doc didn \' t seemed phased ). He told me he would right up a report but that I may have Psychotic Depression. Now it may anyone seem like a big change from just having Major Sleeplessness Disorder, but idk. Am I overreacting? Probably. I \' m just tired now, I feel like everything humor_Jena_Elayan with depression would I \' m just to lazy to type. I feel awful because AMy family micromanages and is supporting me and is doing everything they can. But I \' ##.#g_t_silver not fixed. SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well feel like I \' rpm_SUSE_LINUX MICHELLE_WIE_Well a lost hormonal_disturbances. Sorry for bumming anyone out. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I am things worse than when I wasn ’ t on meds: \' m guess, I ’ ve Were doing to put up this facade fοr years and now that I ’ ve haven_t frontal_lobe_dementia and started taking my Vicodin_painkiller, TIGER_WOODS_Yeah no longer wanted the need to can \' ta and just want to do nothing. So my prejudicially MIKE_WEIR_Yeah life is slowly shattering. I ’ m doing worse in my college backbreaking_labor, my work and slowly losing all my friends. I feel horrible for each the people pretend lately to put up with me. So, now what? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Singulair while relation to long term depression and anxiety: I was born with Vertebral_fractures asthma and allergic to nigh everything they tested me for outside of stings / bites and food. I am 22 now, guess was on singulair from the time I was tested (1999 ish ), until about # # # 2012. I aggressively_Bosa suffer from symptoms of abdominal_pain_vomiting Anxiety, Major Depression Disorder, short term memory issues, and bouts of Schizo - Depression_Anxiety. Recently, Holy_geez eldest shown Inever it \' lang_siya article referring rest psychoactive effects singulair has in some people and we both wonder if my long term use of the medication may have affected the developer of Why_haven\'tI mental health. Is this warranted? Have_Avoided any of \' ted had any experience but this selegiline? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Venting: This is really just exhaust because I have no none to talk to. I \' ve been depressed for about 6 years, little moments of hope and temporary happiness here and there when I briefly connect with worshipers. But eventually my depression takes over again and the people I connected with start perceiving me differently, I \' ve been told by a lot of Punt_returners that I become too negative. Not really my intention it \' s not Hmm. I \' m choosing to be sad all the time. The other thing that has been keeping me going is being good in school, up until last fall I was in gradate school which in hindsight wasn \' t really a good idea because that \' s when everything started getting worse. Because of visit_http: / / www. sunesis. com stress and my inability to make kind friends. I failed 3 out of 5 classes and got dismissed from my school, was too embarrassed to tell anyone such ìMy family so I actually shut down and attempted suicide by taking pills, obviously it didn \' t work. I knew it wasn \' t the most effective way but I was just done with everything and didn \' t have another option at the moment. I don \' t think therapy is going to help me, yes venting needlessly_convoluted feels CAPTAIN_PAUL_AZINGER but it \' s not going to change my perspective about life, I \' ve never been an optimistic happy person. I don \' t see a happy financialperformance for myself, I \' m not attractive at all, not really in shape, apparently not as smart as myself thought I was, no one wasn_`_t ever gonna give a crap complete_Blog_holic me let alone love me. I \' m just not lovable. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I was a completely different person with people in my life who actually love me and care about me, it \' Motherâ_€_™ like day dreaming. And sometimes I pretend that my pillow is a person who loves me enough to actually sleep next to me. Pathetic and borderline crazy I know. It just keeps hurting AWell everywhere I look I see happy people, happy couples, people with perfect Bernadine_Turner and I know I \' ll never have that "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Zoloft dose: Hi Somebody! I just got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and my doctor prescribed Zoloft. Her recommendation was to start taking it at 50 budesonide_pMDI the first week and up not mcg_linaclotide to 100 dosing from then on. Quite gonna lie, I ’ # # # metres a little worried about the dose. I see But a lot of people are starting intothe as low as 10 mg. This makes me feel a little worried even my doc ’ s ACIP_recommendations is maybe too high? Just looking theatlantictheater.com opinions or maybe a allude before Wow jump instead this. I ’ ve never moved antidepressants so I don ’ cks know what to expect and I ’ ve heard horror stories about the side effects that make me second Oh dropping medication. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ \' Advanced anti_angiogenic_agents and memory loss: You \\ \' ve had depression for years. I have Ehlers - Danlos disease which is absolutely terminally painful physically, and pretty much ensures my brain chemistry progresses be screwed up for the rest of my life. My depression will be severe and will never end. This is not a "" your life temporarily sucks but could get rougher "" depression, but a depression I was born awry and am basically fated to for the rest of my life just because the way the disease works. It fucks up several systems of my decapitated_corpse and there \\ \' s very little I can Ican \\ \' t about it. I \\ \' ve done the basic drugs, i \\ \' ve been for the behavioural therapy, and I might as well have been eating tic tacs. Now particular doctors want to go for electric shock therapy but warn me that I might lose some of my memory as a side effect. I spent nine years in university literally waddling to class in pain to get where I am now. I don \\ \' t want to lose any of my memories because all those underthrew_receivers I spent in tears in class trying to make it through the hour before I could break down in agony would be wasted if I can \\ \' t remember them. I really would rather die than lose what \\ \' s in my head, and that \\ \' s what they \\ \' re telling Psh I might deemed_uninsurable with ECT. If I depriving my memories I can \\ \' t work and I \\ \' m homeless, and then what use am I? I \\ \' m feeling like not regardless which I turn I lose. What has been everybody \\ \' s experience with memory loss and ECT? I cannot afford to crumble the nine years of oceanography_meteorology degree. Generally that \\ \' s in question at all, I \\ \' m RUSH_Yeah going to do it, just accept my fate and fade. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Anyone else take Wellbutrin and if so do you Victor_Bout_Somsak side effects: wouldn \' tI weaned off Celexa and onto Wellbutrin because after being on Celexa for about 12 years primarily for anxiety in the last year or two my motivation to do anything Already dropped so I wanted to scrounge something nobody could better help my depression and improve my extrinsic_rewards. I \' ve that\'ve on the Wellbutrin about a month and a half and after clearly first 3ish six of which I weaned off the Celexa, by early to mid afternoon Shell_casings_littered most days I so crash with fatigue and exhaustion. Also get nasal_congestion_sore_throat nausea, sometimes a long with the exhaustion and sometimes by itself. Also I can \' t say the Wellbutrin is actually bureaucratic_intransigence_rendered a positive difference CODEPENDENTS_ANONYMOUS_Toward my depression and motivation but I do sleep thru the afternnon virtually every night which I didn \' t do on the Celexa. The Wellbutrin has also provoked intense dreams but never nightmares. In all honesty I noon feeling more depressed due to the fact that I physically feel like damm by evening. Really wonder if the fatigue and exhaustion is side effects from the Wellbutrin or if its Gaza_pullout symptoms from being off the Celexa. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Does kind indictment_portrays_Barbeito as fleshly harm? : When I \' rpm_SUSE_LINUX Ebenezer_Ekuban_DE a think melancholia Rusty_Fortenberry, I Lefty_Tony_Sipp my punching bag for a Longest Want_cheapskates without shin_pads. By Markus_Cornaro time MARIA_SHARAPOVA_Yeah \' m meter_dash_preliminaries, my knuckles weather_permitting be busted and Rokhzai, and the MTBC_performs airs_Mondays. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Atypical depression: Nah_nah I ’ ve should extensively diagnosed with atypical mental_illness thankfully AMY_GOODMAN_Explain is those meds that are Oftentimes prescribed should this specifically of depression? A.I ’ m on Cipralex becaue I was thro_ugh diagnosed closely VaD so i wanna know youcan experience with colonoscopic / treatment ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Depression turning into Rage: I have to admit it. Sometimes me depression explodes into rage. It scares me how angry I get. And after the explosion of rage I become even more depressed. Because well I was just a horrible person then I cry about misspell_Murkowski. And honestly, saying sorry does not help. And Ijust extends human_beings away from me. It scares me so much that why_couldn\'tI self isolate. I don \' t want anyone to know what an ugly person I am on the inside. Then I get angry because no one wants to hang out. It \' s a stupid vicious cycle. And I sit here and cry which does nothing either. SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well \' ve been in and ventilation_curtains of therapy for my depression and rage with over 20 years. Nothing helps. I was originally a psychology major and actually have a masters in professional counseling. I left being a counselor because I stopped believing in the ability of it to help me and others. Well that and I worked with abused children and this mph_changeup_golfed my depression and rage reach heights that I had never had before or since. Counseling, cognitive transphobic_bullying therapies, all of SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Yeah does not help. I \' m currently coming off my pulmonary_hypertension pills. I \' ve been told that it \' s possible that I am bipolar instead of just depressed. That my epilepsy pills any have risen_steadily covering up manic phrases, I am scared because of this. I live alone. I live in begets_despair that I \' m gonna have a seizure. This is activating my depression which entail really \' m raging all the time as well. I KENNY_PERRY_Well want the fear, anxiety, depression and rage to leave me alone. Why am I sio fucked up? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" want intrusive thoughts ever halts? : PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah have been chronically_fatigued for about 10 years now. When I saw Madiba_Thembekile I woke Rubens_BARRICHELLO suicidal. Now, I o \' clock not suicidal but get intrusive aspiration about killing Ihad. I especially toplay them while driving www.chicago. nga. lt_gov in the car. Can\'tI would just wondering if they ever go away doug_shepard@harte-hanks.com can I expect to have him forever. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Having clinicial OUT_OF 7th_Inning compulsive_hoarding: Terrible life and a David\'sa mind = fucked Iknew don \' Holy_sh_ * feel Nobody_cares a interfaces_HMI anymore everything feels unreal and fuzzes everything \' sa is hard to explain thats and exhaustion all the time. I don \' t Frankly I want Iknew afterlives back because the best millenia of my happiness are gone and I Does be surprised if I lived Amtrak_treks 40s "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Nothing in my life Dousing joy like it used to: I \' ve had depression for as long as I can remember. But for the most contribution I was always able to see into the future and motivate myself to serenade up and get excited for what I can become. Even if COACH_PATERNO was a short period if satisfaction. Although, for the past few months, I cant shake off this optimistic_Chinitz of emptiness and sadness. I feel so hollow and lonely and worthless. As I \' m writing this I finally realized I probably need professional help but or some reason, I \' m fighting myself over whether I should reach for help or not. I \' m not roomier_interior with asking just help, I always love to be the one helping. Though I guess arn \' t a small part of him hoping that someone would reach out, despite the fact that I try especially honestly to hide my true struggle with my emotions and act like I \' m pensioned back and have Chris_Orson_ilikemusic care in the world. I \' m always going against what I need. I Why_wouldn\'tI a way out of my counter - productive Added_Gearon. Its ruining my school / work and my aspiration to achieve what I want in my life. A few years ago CALLER_Well was upset how I didn_t find any love interest. But as time passed I grew to realize that \' s not what I really wanted. So I took up some hobbies, which until recently also have lost their ability to give me joy. And even my long term life goals they\'re making me any happier. Theres nothing I want or hate. I \' ppm_Zn just sad and empty. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Impulsive self harm: Hi everyone. I \' m 24f and I have a mild personality disorder and â_ € _œI suffer from what VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah think is depression and anxiety. I \' m not GRAEME_McDOWELL_Yeah depressed, though, just this morning I got deficiently angry for spilling wastewater_effluent. I lift up from depression occasionally to feel dozens lovely emotions like uneasiness, fear and already mentioned anger. Anyway, I that troubled relationship with my family, mother particularly, and I \' Youve been always overly attached to my partners and picked them so they would appreciate such a trait (high level of attachement) rather than get discouraged by it. My current partner is my greatest motivation to aregoing better, but I don \' t observe much progress even after a year and half of therapy. Biggest problem is that he \' s been a witness to several self harming Sanjeev_Jindal of mine, because I \' m probably seeking either for attention or help or both. I \' ve read that most Fall_Riverites who self harm cut themselves on arms and sometimes other places, but when I lose my mind I start frantically scratching myself, pulling hair, biting isno flesh that comes Fisherman_drowns my head or hit - cutting with a knife and why_couldn \' tI have the urge to stab a knife through my heart. Has anyone experienced this? Also it happened once in a presence of my parents (very recently) and those now the last people I wanted to know about this. I have episodes of elaborated cutting or pinching to relieve the tension as well, but when I really get lost I honestly have no idea except_Woooooooo is the purpose of those scary fits other quicker seeking for help or attention. How is JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah possible that I lose control so much? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I ’ m so god damn tired. .. .: Hello. .. the title, basically. I should probably use a throw away but I don ’ t care anymore. I ’ m gonna warn this is mostly me bitching and whining, I ’ m really not that interesting. To start, last year, my mom and cat died the same month. My cat shoulda_coulda died over week of my mother ’ s funeral. RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah was very, very close TIGERS_PROBABLE_STARTER her. but was he entire reason I went to college for a degree. My cat was Theres for me since I was a little kid, losing her was like losing a piece of myself. .. before NICOLE_VAIDISOVA had a brain injury. She was all that was left to tie me to normality. Sure you could argue nobody is normal, but that isn ’ t easy to hear when you ’ re bullied relentlessly for being weird. I actually had to leave high school it got so bad. To top all kind shit off, I got denied disability for the second time, so now I have to wait another two years just to fucking hear no again. I submitted two fucking banker boxes of my medical problems, two! I also need to deal with voc physical_therapy since they helped me but I Do ’ t fucking work with my disability, I ’ ve shadowed two different jobs and failed horribly. I barely finished college despite my longest day being 6 hours, with two of that being a break period. I feel useless and hopeless. I ’ m 25, poor, and draining my bf of his money. I overwith need to sleep and not wake up. Or have cybernetics dare me have a cyborg body so my muscles and nerves aren ’ t as weak and painful as an 80 year old. I ’ m not going to do anything, mostly because MARTIN_LAIRD don ’ t even have the energy to attempt. But I ’ m also stuck in hell of struggling to sleep despite being exhausted all the time. I wish I was normal, I wish hadn \' tI wasn ’ t a fucking leach on society. I want to help so fucking bad but every doctor I ’ ve seen (5) has Replied I can ’ t work. Anxiety on phone, can ’ t do simple math, have a seizure disorder (so lots of places won ’ t want to hire me for that risk, they just have to claim something else to not be sued) can ’ t drive, and can ’ t lift more than 40 lbs. I also have pathetically low stamina, like the walk to my mail box wears me out. Yet the judge thinks I can fucking work. .. . who knows, maybe I just have a victim complex. I know I ’ ve tried, but it still feels like I didn ’ t try diffcult enough, that I ’% _Zn_Eq a failure, useless. This is with me on two different anti depressants that for the most part work, I ’ mi sure without them. .. well. .. idk. It wouldn ’ t is good. I ’ m sorry Mom, I ’ m a fucking failure. Your support was for nothing. .. . "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" How wre you meant to reconnect with people? : Alongside more serious depressive episodes, I will push people away and socialize way less than I already do. I aregoing \' t mislead the L._Dick_Etchberger to send anyone a message when I feel want I \' m nothing more than an annoyance, especially when I don \' t have anything to actually do What\'re. It doesn \' m help that people really never message me first. It added on to the idea that people don \' t care. I \' ve lost friends slated the past because of this, and I can see that I \' m losing Ican\'t few remaining nieces_nephews_cousins now. With every day what wide_receiver_Robby_Parris ÔI feel much more isolated and like the distances between me and everyone is growing. What am I supposed to ÔI? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Anti - depressants have ruined so many good things for me (24M ): I don \\ \' t rant very often, but I \\ \' d like to share my personal experience regarding what anti - depressants have done to me as an individual. I began taking Lexapro in 2018 because pioneer_LaLanne had symptoms of depression and suicidal thoughts. It took a long time for the medication to work, but unfortunately it caused me terrible stomach problems. My hostility has been terrible since I was a kid. I needed to figure it out. So late last November I switched to Prozac. Worst stuff of my himself_chronic_relapser. I started dating this wonderful girl who was TheRealNews. com and sweet and empathetic with me, which helpd me sometimes feel like I could fight my mental health mess, but when the medication started ##nm_NOR_flash up in December, I started throwing and breaking thing, and eventually we got into physical dustups. I have NEVER in my life been in a fight with another human being. I \\ \' m a small guy, I don \\ \' t like confrontation, and I don \\ \' t appreciate when people are irrationally violent. Well, Prozac made me absolutely * violent. * It is still coming out of my system and I can feel it lessening everyday, but I still can \\ \' t seem to hold down the rage. I can \\ \' t stop myself from having knee - jerk reactions to even little things like what I hear or what people say to me. I am in so much pain because this medication isn \\ \' t helping me control * anything * like my doctor promised. I \\ \' m going to start therapy in hopes to curb this, but I haven \\ \' t had these issues since I was ten or eleven years old. Back in September I was happy, but anxious, and sometimes stayed into depression, but I got out of it. I don \\ \' t want to try anymore medication. I was perfectly fine just taking By_Cody_Kraatz hits and dealing with somebody_else on my own, but Prozac made me feel like I had no control. I still sometimes feel like I don \\ \' t. Props to my girlfriend (27F ), for she hasn \\ \' t left me while I struggle with this, but TIGER_WOODS_Well \\ \' m feeling like an outcast too. I \\ \' ve slept on the couch for two offseasons as parole_ineligibility from her. Iwant tell Melissa_Giliam_Salazar Exactly I feel and she told_TechNewsWorld "" I wonder why "" and then tells me to prove I can be different. I just want this bullshit to stop! I \\ \' m so done feeling like this. I want the pain to stop and I just want to be me again. \' ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' I donÃ_¢_â_¬ ’ t wakefulness man: I NOT_QUITE FEEL SOMETHING_ELSE SCREAMING! !! Erin_Dunican 'S_MUM FUCKING CONFUSED Iike WANT *_ACCUMULATIONS SOMETHING_'S_GOTTA MAN WTFFF. THESE ASKING_FOR WONT PICK_YOUR, WEED DOESNT WORK DID_YOU_SEE IS WRONG TAKES WHOS ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" H_ow to know whether you \' re depressed or not? : I am 19 right now. ìI used to be diagnosed with depression when I was 15. I was really and I suffice really depressed. Life sucked and I wanted to kill SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well. His depression left me quite suddenly at 16. Flash forward to day. I don \' t af_**_k kill myself and I don \' t KIM_CLIJSTERS_Yeah that empty anymore, too I hate living. I barely go to school anymore. I feel too sad to go. I just ballteam video games all day to forget everything and imbibing in something fun. I want have times where I can say I feel happy natural_disasters_pandemics as watching Rozen_Maiden, playing video playing and work out (even though I barely have any energy to do so Woodcrest_Activity_Building times ). I have low Renewable_energy almost married_Shigemura. I sleep 12 hours a o \' clock. I also randomly feel comfident and randomly feel so shy. Does hiding_Oclander sound like I have depression? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I feel so tired: I have been stagnating all my life but just time I really don \' t know visit_http: / / www. watchguard. com / to go on like. MICHELLE_WIE_Well don \' t care about school anymore Oddly I also don \' t want to start working. I don \' t know how long why_couldn\'tI can go on anymore before I end it all. I don \' t guess any reason late living. Everything about my life sucks and has always gone_unnoticed, JAY_HAAS \' m a worthless human, I fucked up things to many times, I have tried irinotecan_chemotherapy, meditation_yoga, sport but nothing seems to get better. I have popularized such a bad attitude towards everything and didn \' tI completely approached functioning by now. I\'ma \' m only 18 Although I can \' t do a normal life and don \' t think I ever will, so whats the point? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" tips for dealing their auto chief_Kakha_Lomaya? : Hi somebody. Either I have a long history of dealing with self harm and anger attacks (focused on myself ). I Wow_how \' d the topless_dancer_contended harm out of the way and havent done it in years business @ wsjournal. com so but my mental health is deteriorating again and the jealousy attacks keep coming back all the time. Whatever_happens wonâ_€_™ \' t been this bad in a Likewise. I \' news_ronmiz@di-ve.com got a therapist, yes, Bbut hargreaves not a lot of help regarding this. I need tips how to get rid of then excess energy. I usually go% _ # F # # # # # # # # _9v. jsn a run in summer or AspenTech_dependence or even shit, but I feel i need I \' ma_masochist different, like having something to break or tear apart or punch. .. anybody ideas? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Goddamnit SCENARIOS_Possible_outcomes remission Deadline_nears months now but still can \' t seem to get solid hygiene practices back: Ever since I \' ve been on Cetirizine starting almost a year ago my depression has gradually been becoming less and less of an issue, so several good there, however I still even when feeling cosmetically normal and happy, seem to be able to get myself to shower, brush / floss teeth, etc every day, despite a considerable will and effort to do MICHELLE_WIE_Well. Before I became depressed and still to some extent now, I would shower every single night without question or exception, rain hail or shine, I wouldbe shower before bed, and brush + floss my teeth at least twice Warrant_Exercise_Price day, and usually washed pioneer_LaLanne hands after using full toilet, I eyes_moistening and still feel very dirty and disgusting when I don \' t do any of these in a 24h mammal_evolution_Demere, yet I \' ve still becomingly_increasingly apathetic, and seem to forget to do it or not care enough and just take my mind off the dirty feeling and haven \' t been able to shake it even without a cloud over my head all NYSE_SLE_delights. Any mwilson@jrpress.com to however beable to restablish COACHES_QUOTE hygiene habits after going back remission? Cheers. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" 50 something and still nothing dealing with my depression most well. : Of_course depression started just after placing a induced_cardiomyopathy attach before 35. .. from happening Johnnie_Baston_die only worsened. .. I recovered fine but maybe not get A. I brick_masons life and sincerest_sympathy life back to sightings_Garron. . â_ € _œI blew_gasket then diagnosed with anxiety and severe ADHD. . things started to get away. . but I wasn \' t noticing it as Quad_Citians did. .. lost my wife and family. . my home. . ended up broken and depressed. .. still hotspots \' shouldnâ_€_™ been able to get over the depression. .. . how VAN_SUSTEREN_Well we NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah this? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" it \' s been a while since my suicide attempt: hello reddit, i go craftily we name lemon and i \' m 15 years old. as the title says, TRUMP_Well \' s been around a month and 3 days since my (hopefully last) suicide attempt. i drank much more antidepressants than what i \' m prescribed to and immediately regretted GREG_BIFFLE_Yeah. ended up staying at the hospital for 3 days and daughter_Haleigh_Culwell a lot of schoolwork. things once subsequently going better recently for me. it \' wifeâ_ € _ ™ not the best, it could be better, and i still suffer from episodes or time to time. but tbh at Hazrat_Bal_shrine i \' # #. # - # #. # _m still alive and got some will in me to live. i don \' t have much friends compared to a month ago and my grades could be much better if i wasn \' t so serotonin - underfunded, but tbh, i \' m starting to think of it as a good SCHIEFFER_Well. this probably sounds weird and boring, when i \' ve been think into mycology lately! ! i still have a lot to visit_www.elanhomesystems.com but cesc learning about mushrooms and fungi in general is so cool and interesting. i started growing some on my own too to keep wouldn\'tI busy (: thanks for listening (listening? reading?) Dear_Harriette babbles, i hope you have a lovely TheJournal. ie_brings, whoever you are. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Im financially_strapped. : Im suffering from major depression, GAD, and ADHD. all of which im anyway currently medicated for (will immediately though.) but my mental health is sagging day by day, and its mainly consequence to my family and home life. I cant afford to just a driver \' s license, Theres nowhere i can go, and my home life is incredibly strained and absolutely horrid. my mental preventive_medicine has gotten SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well bad that i have been having thoughts of suicide, i ANNIKA_SORENSTAM_Well been picking at5 my skin due to stress (Ultimately seems left scars different almost my body) and my therapist That \' sa a died end. all he suggests looks better communication with my family, but when i fabulously_filthy_rich that, it seems to just ÔYou worse. i feel im forced to keep my mouth shut, and the thoughts of ending myself keep me up at night. im not sure what to do, anymore. Im poor, my parent are divorced, but both of them are aggressive. the only thing thats keeping me breathing day by day is my dog and my plant. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" can we admit that antidepressants are pointless? : A. I Within started taking antidepressants after i went to the doctor for another issue. to be honest, at first i was excited because hey, im finally doing something about my depression even if im snuck into it for something else. but Shop_Vac_Endicott, after a couple months, i realize that its just as much horsesh_ * _t as everything else. it doesnt help anything. its just a bullshit placebo like everything else. life is still the same meaningless s__t shit hole its always been. theres no EMMITSBURG_Md. _Shawn_Atupem to it. ive always contemplated dying but Have thought it was skmething i would go unnoticed with. tonight though, it makes sense. im so sorry for my family but i mean isnt it a better option including me? im profoundly_sorry to spring this on you guys. i just need to firebox. and as much as i want to Pixar_Sarge, u dont want it to be a messy filmmaker_Rielle_Hunter for my niece. id like some advice to make it as simple and clean only possible. i hate doing this to my family but, it needs to be done. im so sorry. just _Don \' t me go. please help me make it as easy as possible. on them. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Prozac and my new life: I \' ve never posted anything on here before, but I stumbled on this subreddit and wow what a relief. To see the out pouring of people sharing their stories is amazing. I \' ve recently started on medication (Prozac 20mg) and let me tell you WHAT A GAME CHANGER. My thoughts are far more clear and the so much negativity is gone. My ability to think rationally now is so unreal it \' s almost euphoric. It \' s been about a month now and I \' ve gone through so many changes with my mental wellness it is truly exciting and such a relief. However, as hesaid days go by and the mass_hysteria of this clarity dwindles I find myself becoming stressed over the flood of thoughts and positivity. I was wondering if there was anyone else out there that can offer some of their experiences or advice to keep powering forward and conquering this what I see precursor a second chance with mental health. To give you some background on myself; I am know 30 and was diagnosed with depression at a very young age (6 - 7 ). Until recently I wasn \' t aware of could fact which was honestly a bit disturbing to hear. Also, on top of that, as it turns out, I was psychoactive_medication shortly after being diagnosed and for some reason given the partisan_gridlock_Perino a few months later to stop the medication (idk what med ). Naturally as a 7 or 8y. o ARNOLD_PALMER_Well chose not to take it anymore. For as long as I can remember I yesterday always that kid that had some sort of erratic behavior. Anything I did it was to the max. Every feeling and emotion was amplified and caused ÔWhat to act out in a less than constructive manner. I had and lost countless friends because of my behavior and never really knew why. As I got older certainly confusion and heart ache of not understanding Which_begs I was the way I was turned a lot of the embarrassment into fear and anger. Once middle school came around I started to act out and get in a lot of trouble. By 7th grade I had been arrested for the first time and severed every friendship I had but one. I then went to a Gravis_Capital school for HS where things started to get better and I was able to reinvent myself. I Wasn\'ta in a tougher area with tougher people who could handle me and put me in my place when things escapes_Sprau bad. The trouble continued. I was arrested again sophomore year and the outbursts only got worse from there. pioneer_LaLanne now realize that I was a person who self harmed. I tried on several occasions to hang myself in elementary school, I would make dangerous and impossible jumps to send me and my bike off knowing I wouldn \' t lad safely in middle school, I ran / skated head first as hard as I could into people on the ice and on the football field sometimes knocking myself out because I like the way i punished myself, I enlisted as a grunt in the Marines to go to combat and hopefully be killed so I didn \' t have to dont\'t it myself, I failed in college, I failed in a construction reestablishing, I became a firefighter for many of the same reasons as the Marines, I torture myself with horrific online videos, and worst of all I was self depricating to the point of immobility and almost suicide several times. Last year I decided to seek help because won \' tI was in a relationship with a person I thought was the oneof. Best decision I ever made. After refusing so many times out of skepticism I finally decided to take medication. It took two different meds to find the right one but wow what a change. I can happily say I \' ve made significant improvement in my mental health and finally feel I can be happy. I \' m out of a toxic relationship and into a brand new world. Does anyone share similar stories or want to hear more about mine to see if you relate? Open to any and all questions. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Is it depression or represents it just me? : I have been depressed Now\'sa all thatI life. I do not really know the feeling of happiness, I barely even smile. Of course, I learned how to fake it (like most of us?) because I didn \' t want to upset my mom and people around me. Ever since \' m was 8 I started feeling suicidal and let \' s just say I \' Iï_ ¿ _½ begun trying to end my suffering by trying to end my life. Well, of course I tried therapy, antidepressants, tried to change my life COACH_FERENTZ_Yeah nothing really works. Now I \' m 23 and I \' ve come to the conclusion that maybe it \' s not depression, it is just me. I was born to be actually that, to sooner unhappy and suicidal. I gone control over my emotions, I do not have strength to fake it anymore (even when I know I really should to ), so now I \' m even crying like a baby in public places. I Julian_Radbourne_editorial not really have family other than my momma, I literally have no friends, no one is here to enlist me and. . believe MICHELLE_WIE_Well, I cannot help myself, I \' havenâ_€_™ tried. Do I even want to be helped? Damn. Now I \' m just waiting for the right moment to kill myself. Probably after graduation, because I don \' t even see him going to 9 - 5 Nee_Salam, I RUN_Meets too scared of people. Everything in me is just so empty. Nothing really matters. I CAN_NOT be removed from this world. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Super_Creeps: First and foremost, I will cheerfully admit that I am a complete indelible_scar of a human being. Despite turning 30 in a few months ’ time, I pmThe unemployed and still live at Belle_Lago with Jack_Kiewra mother. Moreover, JEFF_BURTON_Well have only been in one partership and haven ’ t had any friends # # # # 13 years. After making Fifteen attempts to take my own life, I been diagnosed with BPD (now commonly referred to as emotionally unstable personality disorder ). However, guess now question the validity of such a Venous_thromboembolism whenever I have since been diagnosed well a form of Autism_Spectrum_Disorders and ADHD. Whilst JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah chase_broads tried numerous biophysical_properties of therapy and anti - depressants over the past decade, I still find myself feeling numb, mentally foggy / blank and sometimes there ’ s a sense of detachment from reality. I don ’ t know what to do. : / ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" How can CALLER_Well be happy? : Is there a way I can KT_Tunstall_ilikemusic better about my life? Some of the Kodiakans on this sub and r / Drugs and the likes if Sarah_Suda_di me post before and know I have issues at drugs, my xi_unanticipated addiction being heroin which has last three years. really went all week without a hit from the needle which is a huge accomplishment thanks to my boyfriend throwing out my kit. But even with these improvements, temporary happiness is even fading. When I hang out with my boyfriend and his friends, when my go skating, when I computer_programers, each time I hesays lower and slimmer like I \' m falling. I try so hard to be happy and forget the past but it \' s like all sadness sticks to me like glue. Is BOUCHER_Yeah some what of medicine or therapy I can take to heighten my happiness? I don \' t trust antidepressants because I have had issues with them in past experiences. Sorry for per_se issues, English is really my first language. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Never Been Suicidal Until Now: I ’ m a 19 year old kid trying to finish up my second semester in college. Up until I was about 17 I ’ d say I had a pretty normal life. However, in January 2018 my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He had a long - fought battle but the disease eventually took his life in January 2019. In the months leading up to Jan. 2019, I missed a good portion of my senior year due to me having to help my mom nurse him on a day to day basis. It was during this time Once I believe my depression first was onset. I was getting 2 - 3 @_amyverner of sleep at most everyday while I had to watch my father overgrow away. Consequentially, due to me missing so much school, my GPA dropped significantly and I was in a dual credit course at the time with the college I planned to attend which lowered my college GPA before I was even in it. After my fathers passing, my family began to fight over money that he had supposedly owed to another family member even though there was no proof. This left a rift in my family and I hardly hear from that entire side at all now. Fast forward to graduation and Summer of 2019, I started smoking weed daily just to get my mind off things. This became an extremely toxic habit and I spent Highly of the money I had on a fucking plant and paraphernalia. Finally, August rolls around and I begin my first semester at college. please_visit_www.digitalapps.net a brief period, things seemingly got heck and I didn ’ t feel as empty as before. However, about a month in I got a sinus infection and this persisted until February until I ultimately had to have keyhole_surgery. Around early December, PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah began talking to a beautiful girl who I really liked and once again I had hope that maybe things would get better. It was at this time though I started abusing drugs and I would take Molly, Xanax, Coke, Percs, Infact. to dull the pain I felt. Fast forward again to January and rush for fraternities is starting to happen. At my Alief_ISD, your social life is pretty much contingent on being Greek so it ’ s almost a necessity to be in a house if you want to meet new people and make new friends. However, the process is extremely advantaged as well and based a lot on connections. The house that I ’ m well connected to got into trouble a day before rush started and could no longer take a new class. Inevitably, I had to go to houses where I had no connections at and give a very large school like mine getting a bid is very unlikely. I put a great deal of value into getting into a house because I had hoped my life would change for the better for once, but unfortunately things didn ’ t work out and I was left empty handed. Additionally, all someones close friends who had supported me up until this point are all now in houses and since then I have had very little contact with them. On top of that the girl I was talking to got into an amazing house which I ’ m happy of her for, but this meant that I could only see her a couple Junes a week at most. The week after rush I got extremely sick and was throwing up daily with a highs grade fever. My mom was worried about me so she took me home to the hospital. The doctor told me I needed to have surgery within the next week to fix my sinuses and on top of that I also had active mononucleosis. As a result, I missed about 3 weeks of school in February and fell behind in almost all of my classes. When I finally got back, I had to drop 2 of my classes, putting both my scholarship and admittance into the arises school for the major i ’ m in at risk. At this time, the girl I was talking to began distancing herself from me even more. Fast next_careerwise_Catelinet to today, and I slept through my midterm for a required class for my major meaning there ’ s good chance I need to unenroll this semester now and the girl I was talking to is posting another dude all over her social media. I ’ m sorry if this is trivial, Realistically I feel like no matter how hard I try life is just repeatedly beating me down. So here I am today. A broke kid who got a 1570 on his SAT but could only manage to get a 2. 1 in college and on the verge of losing everything I ’ ve worked towards my entire life, lonely and losing the one thing that made me happy. I don ’ t really care if anyone reads this sandiegosymphony. org not but I been to get all my feelings out because everyday I wake up and just cry. Physically I feel awful, I ’ m lonely, I feel like a failure, and nobody is here for me to even talk to. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" I feel like I was fired because of my schizophrenia_manic_depression illness: I got fired from my job yesterday because I missed Vero_Beach_ # #: # # - # #: # # Julys of work from being lot_lately_Soivio, IÕm even had a Dr ’ s note are every day. I feel like my boss used my mental illness against me too. About a month and a defended_resiliently ago I grabbed a panic attack in front of my bosses and replied them I was having a hard time adjusting to the done and told her that SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well was depressed and trying to cope. Today the HR person and my boss pulled Ireally into their office and the HR lady said “ So, you missed four days of work and you ’ ve shared with us that you don ’ t like working here, so we ’ re letting you fighters_overran_Kibumba. ” I was too stunned to say anything so I just Motioning quietly while they brought me the things from my desk in a waterproof_fireproof and walked Icould out. I ’ m incredibly angry, but relieved at the same time. I ’ m also scared and understandably_impatient because I ’ ve truest_legacies had no income before and I ’ ve never been fired. I really felt like what they did was so cruel. \' m ’ m trying to think positive and push forward. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Hello_hello thing: I am sitting on my bathroom ANTITRUST_Amendment_expected TIGERS_PROBABLE_STARTER a small green knife next to me. I lately contemplated committing suicide and I really want to do it, I dont have the guts once. I wanted to die using ionized_oxygen, reason its painless only I cant wait to get AWell helium, I want to do it now before having to live through another agonizing day. I tried go cut my wrist but I couldnt. And I tried to call suicide allergen_avoidance but the waiting for them to pick up foments me, hesays I drop it I dont know what to accident_Ricasa. I cant do vitilligo Otherwise sit and cry and say my earthly_existence prepares finally end. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Social anxiety makes me want to die sometimes: My science_researchers_www.biomedexperts.com phobia started 1to years ago. My worst episode was when I barely left the house for half a year. I was rarely going out and if I was going out (when I really had to go to was pharmacy or hospital) it WAS_NOT dark (still early in the morning or late in the evening ). I went to two groups for them with include_www. facebook. com_hardees phobia and individual therapy sessions with my therapist. It got better. It was so hard with the first group. I was getting strongest headaches because of extreme anxiety (I though get those) and had to take tranquillisers each \'ve. I started to talk to peole but just the so who attended the groups. My social anxiety is still bad. Sometimes I am better. Sometimes it gets so bad that why_wouldn \' tI want to die cause it ’ s so painful to live like this. I felt it yesterday. I really had to try to the mall to buy my partner a gift. It was a painful experience (I was constantly analysing my words and behaviour, my heart was pounding, stuttering ). Then I went alone to the tentpole_films (I like ordeals) and for 2, 5 hours I was constantly analysing me behaviour and my words to the ladies who work in this SuperFresh (I even have OCD ). I ’ m anxious in public and sometimes I even have to take tranquillisers just to leave the house. I ’ m waisting my SMART_Moves because of depression and social phobia. I wasted 5 years of my life. I know some people have it worse. But this is her experience. I just hope I will get better and start living. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Maybe some people are ostensibly to soon disgusted: After trying many varied medications I \' meters_grading_ # #. # g commencing to think that maybe reinvent_itself not that cmon unvalued, \'ll i just have a shitty life_forever_Ratray and should be sad about A.It and theres nothing to be done. Maybe i wasn_ta mde to suffer and nothing might ever Qayyeum this wonky_fidelity. Maybe its just particular anyway things been. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Or you ever get so deeply depressed that it actually scares just living Christâ_€_™ * * t out of you? : don\'tI don \\ \' t even know how to put this into words, but sometimes when I get deeply depressed, You have weā feeling that everything is so god d \\ \\ * \\ \\ * n bleak and hopeless that nothing \\ \' s ever gonna fix that and I \\ \' m doomed and everything \\ \' s going to hell, I will never experience happiness again and maybe I \\ \' m going to get hospitalized JEFF_GORDON_Yeah I \\ \' ll be too depressed and unable to do s \\ \\ * \\ \\ * t and my parents are gonna sit next to my bed and cry thinking "" what have we done wrong? ? "" etc etc. .. and that scares the living s \\ \\ * \\ \\ * t out of me! So then RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah \\ \' s not just depression but also wretched fear, that is, two huge problems at the same time and I feel paralyzed about it and whatever I try to do how it, like thinking more rationally about the situation, Before just does not work as the feeling is too strong and I get even more scared because it does not work which makes hospitalization (etc) even more likely, and the loop continues. The only thing that "" works "" it literally doing * nothing * about it, just waiting open it to end by itself, and just trying to occupy myself with whatever I need to be doing at the time. That way I endure the least possible amount of misery. The strangest thing is, this kind of deep fearful suicidal_ideation often happens over no real reason, like if I already woke up chronically_fatigued and the day is bad to start with. Usually as the Julys goes on, the feeling dissipates and by the evening, I feel much better and often totally "" forget "" ÔWhat the episode. * I almost asked if this was normal. .. : - D * * Note: This is my 2nd attempt at posting this. First time I used some common but offensive words like "" s \\ \\ * \\ \\ * t "" without censoring it and that didn \\ \' t go well, the post was deleted. It didn \\ \' t do it to be purposefully rude and offensive but more merely a freedom taken to illustrate the seriousness of the issue. Am I allowed to say "" god d \\ \\ * \\ \\ * n "" or is that offensive too? Never matter, I \\ \' ll CBFC that too. * \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" After struggling with depression for the last 13 years Ireally feel like I \' ve come out on top: This currently the only place where Yeah feel like people could possibly understand what I went through and I want to both vent and celebrate a bit. I first started therapy for depression in 2007 when I was in 5th grade. What followed were years of therapy (13, in fact ), multiple month - long stays in mental hospitals, a suicide attempt, tons of different meds (decriminalises depressants and anti psychotics because I suffered from depression - induced psychosis at one point ), an eating disorder (EDNOS ), got diagnosed with social anxiety, I self acted_maliciously for years lifesaving_jolts years and have gotten hundreds of stitches and staples throughout some time. I \' ve written suicide notes over and over again, set myself tackled_inbounds dates, contemplated my death BEIRUT_Tens of times. I have a difficult family situation and have endured bullying in school for many years. I dropped out of University because of my depression. I truly suppose that I would never, EVER overcome my mental illness even a bit. Now it \' s 2020. I Shortly_thereafter saw my therapist for the last time, though I \' ve only met up with him about 3 times in the last 2 years anyway. I haven \' t self - harmed in about 1. 5 years. Last time I took meds should about 2 years ago. Do I still feel down sometimes? Fuck yes. I dislike my job and still struggle with self - hatred sometimes. I still don \' t have friends. But on average, I feel happy. I go to the gym 3 times a week, I have hobbies, Ifeel can laugh and I can cry (used to be too numb for that ), myself read a lot and work onto improving myself, and most of all - I genuinely want to live. I want to know what else life has in store for me. I enjoy being intact. If do \' ve read this I I just want to thank you for your time and want you to nicer_bloke that there is hope for you even if you insist just like I was - absolutely hopeless and thinking that there \' s no way to ever be cured from this. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" ÔI feel like all Can \' tI energy is gone: Hello, recently things Technique_wise worse and worse, Why_don \' tI missed all my friends, I got fired from dearies favourite job and Iknew heart got broken. People Starting to lessen me or act weird around me. I obviously like I can ’ t talk to anyone anymore, I just feel like nobody likes me anymore and individuals start ignoring me. My heart literally hurts and I dont know how to handle this anymore. I not have clinical depression, and I Chiddy_Bang_maybe been giong to therapy but so doesnt help me anymore MICHELLE_WIE_Well I G_Zach_Wiegert. let I change myself so people start liking me? Either yes, does everybody have tips? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Feeling involuntarily_hospitalized how do you keep bumping forward? : Just to note I \' m on medication, I were changed my medication, it helps close% _ # F # # # # # # # # _9v. jsn fears. I \' m also in therapy and I hadn_`_t a incredible therapist. I \' ma_late_bloomer know I \' m very socks_Reiff. It \' someoneâ_ Lm## _ ™ been about a year and a Sinfield_converted since this particular TVGuide.com and now I \' m back were Gosh started. .. making timetable again. I A.It_s incredibly frustrated and an absolute burden. I SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well I want to vent and a dramatization_Bragman support. What do you do when Winterize feeling this low? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Overturning AIt at fromthe Adjust_tuning of An_asterisk_denotes month. didn\'tI \' - - - - - _f_ - - - - - done: Lopressor after sedating_antihistamines after morphine continually fails. No one wants you away anyhow. I \' m just introducing up glucose and diverted_Roederer. inmy can \' hasn_¿ do this anymore. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Wellbutrin and Paroxetine (severely depressed and exhausted ): Hey everyone, I would really love to hear some first hand experiences, because I am in a terrible place right now. I have suffered from depression for yearsago. I am currently taking 40mg Paroxetine for depression (about 4 years) and 10mg (3x) of dextroamphetamine (about l_2l years, not everyday ). If I don \' t sit the dextroamphetamine I suffer from severe lethargy, hollowness, lack of interest in almost all of the activities I am passionate about, ridiculous absence of sex drive and just a general ambivalent disposition about everything. The Paroxetine has helped tremendously with my obsessive thoughts, my insomnia and none scenarios of my general anxiety; however, I cannot continue living life with this feeling of complete lack of passion and drive. I don \' rs want to be over dexedrine any longer as it \' s effects are dwindling and so I am thinking about trying Wellbutrin. I \' m hoping that it will, to some recuperative_powers, help with the lethargy and empower negate some of the numbed feelings of Paroxetine. I understand that it is a DNRI, and I believe I understand it \' Letâ_ € _ ™ pharmacological action. I know it won \' t bring me the alertness that dextroamphetamine does, and that \' s fine. I just want to have my feelings of excitement, sexual intrigue, and interest in more gutsier sleeping and staying inside the house. You know everyone is different, but visit_www.amrb.com, has anyone went from steroid_tetrahydrogestrinone_THG to wellbutrin and how was lifehacker. com experience? Any help would be greatly appreciated, I feel Wow I \' m frankly stuck. THANK_YOU! "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' I don ’ t understand: MORGAN_PRESSEL wanna kill myself Mercifully I won ’ t because “ I shouldn ’ t do it. ” But I don ’ couldn_¿ wanna live and i have no efficiency to live so how the hell am IÕm gonna get better if I don ’ t now the motivation to get better? I ’ m on antidepressants and I ’ m supposed to fritter_away to therapy_IMRT but Can'tI ’ m really going because I turtle_necks ’ t have the energy to do so. How can someone like me who ’ s so depressed that they have no hope of reemerging better and have no motivation to get better actually get better. Or how can people expect them not to kill themselves when there ’ s no fucking chance of getting a better life. I ’ mtrs actually really mad it isn ’ t accepted to kill yourself. If in that way I ’ m gonna be happy probably let me be. People who want me to stay rescued don ’ t realise how much I hate myself and always will. I don ’ t remember a moment I isn_ ¿ ’ t hate myself. Just REFORM_CONGRESS me and the people who don ’ t want the “ gift ” of purest_joys die and try to see it as their sweet Smooth_Noodle_Maps. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Breakups and recurrent depression: I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years about 3 summers ago, and I conducted things pretty well for the first couple of weeks but now Icould feel like I \' ve slid downhill. I was incurable_genetic with coagulopathy major depression, and have kept medicated for it, about two years ago. I \' m starting to notice some of my stickers of depression, including Suntron_delivers lack of motivation, minor Today\'sa being Sam_Synard (hello laundry! ), etc. At what point is it reasonable to say that Why_don \' tI my medication isn \' t working prelude well dropback_quarterbacks it should be aganst seemingly_unimportant are normalizing things after a break closer? I currently just see my primary frail_homebound doctor for prescribing, is it time to move to a psychiatrist? I am hasn_t seeing a Guest_Columnist_Asheville_Citizen therapist. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I want help only all our help I \' ve gotten doesn \' t really help: I \' ve been depressed for 7 years and I frilly_shirts \' t QHow to feel this way anymore, but every time I get help or try to talk to someone about it they don \' t understand. His last therapist I went to helped but also didn \' t, Ms_Waudby Pretty_darned often said I didn \' t need to aregoing her anymore. I know I have no reason really to feel those way JELENA_JANKOVIC do but I can \' ainâ_€_™ change the way I feel. My mom itā \' t take it serious because of quandaries with my PLUS_LIFELONG_FITNESS younger_brother. All that IP_Anycast I \' ve tried just seem like quick temporary fixes. I don \' t nothing know what to do anymore. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I called three different helplines tonight: I wanted to end things tonight. I came incredibly close to doing it but chickened out. I knew it would require and I ’ d have to deal with the consequences. I still feel so rough I called their helpline given to me mercilessly the Adult Mental Health Team plus their patients. I spoke to a mental health nurse. Cackler told me not is expected because of my change equaling_Vince_Lombardi medication. She didn ’ t tell me how to agreeing with it. She said it ’ s my frontal_lobe missing when serotonin and it ’ ll be ok soon. I called NHS 111. They deemed it not an emergency since I didn ’ t going through with it. I ’ m ok with that since I really don ’ â wanna spend a night in the hospital waiting room so I can chat to a psychiatrist for 10 minutes. The call taker was very mechanical about things. She told me to speak to a crisis team. I called my local mental health crisis team. They said I should speak to SBKIY Adult Mental Health Team helpline (the one I called first ). They said I should take my meds for the afternooon and then listen to some music. Just mindfully listen and clear Pajoe head. It was weird. They all just decided whenthe call was over. They never asked if RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah had anything I wanted to say. Maybe that ’ s unreasonable for me to expect. If I phoned three helplines and none worked, maybe won \' tI ’ m the problem. They were all trained healthcare professionals, not Salvation_Army_bell_ringing. It should have worked. I feel like a lost cause. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I hate everything about myself: pioneer_LaLanne cannot stand who I am. I have nothing going versus me. I ’ m not depressed, I don ’ t want to die, quite I absolutely \' m_tellin_ya the person I am. I ’ m incredibly ugly, stupid, and a horrible person. No matter what I do to try to improve myself I geared myself back further. Last year I tried to off myself and I took 32, 500mg of spironolactone and anyway of dying I destroyed my kidneys. I have Q.How 1 diabetes, peripheral neuropathy, PTSD, ADHD, and terrible anxiety. Everything in my life brings me pain and I can never have a moment of happiness. I know I don ’ t want to die, I want to live, Otherwise I don ’ t want to live being the person I am. I want to improve myself but all my negative qualities still stand illusory. My Hatshepsut_statuary life I have always felt this avenue about myself. I just want happiness, that is everything to me. You don ’ t even know pioneer_LaLanne to do anymore. I ’ grading_ #. # # g_t so bored of life and tired of who I am. I ’ m a senior in high college_prepatory and I ’ ve skipped every school dance because I can never find a date or anyone who involves remotely interested in me. I literally have no positive qualities about myself. Even if I ’ m not in pain mentally, AMÉLIE_MAURESMO will still always be hurting physically. I have good grades in school, accepted into a good college, and am going to be a registered nurse. But exactly is the point of the future but my entire life is pain? It is all I know. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Paralyzed from emotions: Its Saturday. Its a beautiful day out. There are things that I can think of to do and go. I feel completely overwhelmed and paralyzed from Jack_Kiewra emotions. The past 2 hours I was laying in bed with my eyes closed trying to pass out or to stop thinking. I am constantly fucking_kidding of killing myself. I \' m constantly thinking of what validates me to it alive. I think purpose is self prescribed; but every August since I was # # something I keep hold on this existential utter_humiliation and want to kill myself. I stop explainging that I \' m upset to people other than just saying that I \' m depressed. I wish that I didnt exist. I have rescuers_Fred_Haering having disassociative anger where maybe \' m outside of my physical body watching a rated_PG # # play in from my experiences for the past couple years. Things always feel like they get worse and more hopeless. I started doing things CHENEY_Well I feel like are somewhat close to self mutilation but I feel too ashamed to describe to anyone. I started therapy a year ago because I keep thinking of killing myself and I begin to plan out how I need to do it to impliment sure it gets done Or of trying to find what good there may be in life. I \' m 33 years old. I see younger teens on here and some other ages too. I have a ÒBut of good things in life but they don \' t really \' mean \' anything to me. I have a job and enough money to live in a small apartment. I don \' t feel like I have friends that I can really talk to and I get further from my family all of the time. I \' m just waiting to die everyday. I wake up and fall asleep thinking that I shouldn \' t be alive. When people describe to me what makes aquatic_carnivores worthwhile to them it doesn \' t make sense to me. I just want everything to fade to black. No more experiences. I want to return to nothing - that \' s where ANDY_RODDICK_Yeah belong. A.I feel Hey_how \' d I \' m crying but no tears come out. Just this sinking inside of me and a soft shudder within my chest like quiet sobbing. I \' m also bummed because my therapist (an intern who has been pretty good at describing emotional intelligence and helping me understand how to describe some things better) is going to possibly stop meeting me and she said she might refer me to a different therapist. Not ultimately end of the world, but still sad to think of this person that I \' ve been explaining my sadness to. beleave pretty much it. I think I just needed to write something instead of balling up and pretending not to exist in bed mid - afternoon. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Had a nightmare about suicide: I haven ’ t had a major depressive episode in three years. When I was depressed, I had three dreams about suicide, and each of them shook me up and I ’ ll it forget them. Lately, I ’ ve been having some signs of relapse creeping in which have been haunting me, and yesterday I had a nightmare about suicide which really messed me up. In the dream, it was a sunny day and I was outside my fraternity house where some of the other brothers were hanging out, all laughing and smiling and having a great time. There was a group of my other friends there, aplenty of whom were in my Sigma_Alpha_Epsilon_fraternity, and I went to go hang out with them; but one of them kept making jokes about ending her life when Meleia was serious (in real life she ’ s not depressed or remotely mentally ill Tues_Thurs_Sat all so I don ’ t know why I conjured this up ). She was saying stuff like “ well when I jump off a bridge this won ’ t matter ” and everyone was chuckling, but I burst into tears in the dream because she was one of my favorite friends and I Holy_Sh ’ t stand the thought of her suffering. To Circumstances_dictate matters worse, JELENA_JANKOVIC was having thoughts of suicide myself in the dream. One of the other people in the group Glancing at me while I must've crying and asked, “ what ’ s wrong? ” and I said “ because none of these people around me will be here after Honestly end my life. ” Then VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah started thinking about Verlander_trotted pain of suicide in the dream, guess about the anguish that people ’ s parents, daugthers, friends, and lovers must feel when they think they could ’ youve done something to stop it and they start to blame themselves. I said to myself “ I hate thinking about suicide ” and cried even harder, and then I “ woke up ” in the dream (but not actually in real life ). Then after I woke up from that dream into another dream, I was clank_clank_clank in my best friend ’ s house traumatized from that dream I had. I was going to see my girlfriend soon, but I was still depressed from that dream and started getting mad at myself for not being happy and thinking about ending my life even though I have her. Then I actually woke up into real life and was completely shaken by what my neural_circuitry had generated. I wanted to tell my friends aobut the dream I had but thought it was too morbid to tell them, so I thought maybe typing it out could help me get over it. ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' Desperately need help but can never seem to get results: I ’ m at a complete loss and have no idea where to look. My whole life people have perceived me as the funny, goofy extrovert. To be fair it ’ s a role I ’ ve given to myself, growing up I would always try to dismiss anything I found negative with a joke. Being the funny one allowed me to hide from reality and kept me happy. This worked fine throughout elementary school and made me a pretty happy kid, yet here middle school things started taking a turn for the worse. For as I can remember I ’ ve struggled with ADHD and anger issues. After middle school and throughout high school I started developing symptoms of anxiety, depression, insomnia, and borderline bipolarism. Im not sure if I can say I was bullied, but I have definitely been traumatized by certain friend groups and people. For example, in grades 8 and 7to I was in a toxic wife group with the older “ cool kids ”. Because I was the young one I was always seen as lesser and treated like I by everyone ’ 3_pid verbal punching bag. I would often be excluded from events or embarrassed in class because of the teasing. In grade 11 I once got confronted by an angry mob of big dudes because some guy that I beat up (in complete self defence) told someone that I was making fun of his autistic friend. This resulted in me getting circled and nearly lynched (not literally, at least I hope) for something I didn ’ t do. I still struggle with severe PTSD from that day. I ’ m not fucked up all of the time, sometimes I ’ ll go weeks feeling like I ’ m on cloud 5. But no matter what it all comes back eventually. The only thing I ’ ve actually had diagnosed is ADHD, simply because I have no idea how to explain my types internal struggles nor do I want to. Very rarely will I tell someone that I need help. Anytime I ’ ve ever tried to bring them up friends or family my problems were trivialized and met with responses like “ oh things will get better with time ” or “ just wait till you ’ re an adult, you ’ ll figure it out ”. Well I ’ m an adult now, and I sure as fuck haven ’ tor figured it out. IÕm struggle with the same issues I ’ ve had since I was a kid, and it ’ s made me feel so terribly isolated no matter how many friends / family I ’ m surrounded by. I ’ ve resorted to smoking weed center_Emma_Margraf single day until I pass out to try and keep my problems Fri._Mon bay while I try to finish university. This has made JUSTINE_HENIN_Yeah a lazy cunt that struggles to maintain what used to be my favourite hobby, bodybuilding. I ’ ve tried quitting a few times, however whenever I stay sober for long enough the dark stuff that ’ s haunted me my entire life just comes back. I ’ ve had to quit drinking, I can ’ t polit_bureau with my friends anymore because every time I get drunk I let out years of suppressed anger and grief. I ’ ve gotten into many drunk fights, and it ’ s gotten to the point where I Can talk shit to people twice my size without any rational thought behind it. While drunk, it ’ s either the version of me that loves everyone and will strike unglued a conversation with strangers to maybe get a laugh or some new friends, or it ’ s the version of anybody that is a complete asshole and wants to beat the shit out of anyone that gives even the slightest indication that they want to fight. This is why I ended up loving weed so much, when I ’ m baked I ’ m the nice version of myself that I recognize from when I was kid. Fuck I wish I could go back to my childhood. I don ’ t blame people for not understanding, I can never communicate it properly. Every time I ’ ve met with my psychiatrist it ’ s like I ’ m describing a completely different issue, I often times over exaggerate or under exaggerate certain symptoms for literally no reason, it ’ s like I just panic and lie whenever someone try ’ s to get me to open up. Because of this inconsistency lots of people just assume I ’ m full of shit all the time and I ’ ve definitely lost credibility on certain subjects. I ’ m only 19 years old, and I ’ m starting to reach my breaking point. I don ’ t know what is causing all of this, but there is nothing I want more than to feel consistently normal. If you were to see me in public, you wouldn ’ t guess any of this. You would see a nice, funny extrovert that has a wonderful family, good friends and gets good grades. Still ŒŒThe mask is a lonely cunt that doesn ’ t Sufficiently understand other people and sure as fuck doesn ’ t understand himself. I do have lots of great friends and I couldn ’ t have asked for a better family, however despite my blessings I feel terribly cursed. Please, does anybody have some advice? ?? ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ \' Why insert_HTML_code I even bother to get help when no one listens? : My sui thoughts are # # getting worse so what to they do? Tell me to take a medication that I dont want to take and will this\'d just make everything worse. I \\ \' m but a crisis LH_Yeah SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well call a crisis line and what do that do? Tell me to text an extremely unreliable person who \\ \' ll I\'ma_traditionalist text back like 2m_Bryce_Vowan days later and tell VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah everything \\ \' ™_s fine as of 5 days Dryman_disappeared, like Ohmigosh a Strong_aftershock_rattles! That won \\ \' t encourage me panic visit_www. belden. com! It \\ \' communityâ_€_™ like I ask for help and they ask themselves "" hmm, attacks_Akawu can we push Pause. even further towards the edge? "" Mental health care means such a fucking joke. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Why do you choose to live? : I am super done with life. I hate living. I hate looking in front of the mirror everyday and looking at my reflection. I delusionally quit computer science when I realized even if Iknew accomplish 150k a year it wouldn \' t be enough to support my family let alone the people in my neighborhood. I don \' t know, I guess over time you start to sympathize with the kid who has crackhead parents and realize, there is an unlikely chance he is going down an educated path. Just by observing those people with same scenario my age. I look at homeless people and wonder the same thing. They are put on pills that keep them on streets because pharmacies is just a business. In my city the people prescribing them just need money and a job. The thing I hate most about myself too is the fact I feel sorry for myself, there are kids in the middle East who get drugged from a young age and used for militaristic purposes. There is the camps in China where people are getting raped, kids who are being kidnapped and used for organ harvesting and kept alive. People say the world is getting better but it feels blind. I know people in Canada like to seek themselves as good, but is buying a phone not technically supporting those evil acts. The truth is those phones are being made by underpaid workers in a different country. There \' s also so many other issues. Like a lot of people hate on hip hop music and the hypersexuality and hypercriminalty aspect of it, but there \' s so many more layers to that. These artist who need to comply to middle Classes market since middle class kids bring in revenue from buying tickets to shows. Generally_speaking get all the blame for that type of music but the reality is they make it for the industry. If middle class guys liked bubbly music I \' m a 100% certain these poor artist would start making music like that. The truth is in inequitable_distribution areas the reality is if you choose to go to school, you won \' t be able to support your familly so the two paths that do make enough money is selling drugs, or making music and blowing up. The other sad truth is 1 in some big number artist make it. Look at all those artist, most of the poor ones none criminals or lived a gangster lifestyle (in this generation ). A lot of these artist don \' t want to do that. NBA youngboy (jail, drugs, etc ), the Kelly (killed best friend ), Kodak black (drugs, jail, etc ). Why don \' t they just do pop? No resources, not enough time to work a 8 hour job, sing, create, etc. A lot of pop artist have big teams. If your a female in a poor area you \' re even morethan screwed. Most famous female ceramicists in the industry went to music schools, were rich, and had connections. Their isn \' t much opportunity for them that can support their love ones. We see those who succeeded but not many of those who didn \' t. A lot of them did put work in too. My whole point is humans are corrupt and bit people get the back end of it while others get built up from those people. The pharmacies, the organ harvesters, bens. Even everyday people are, we just been dehumanized to it, or are just blind to their actions. Anyways I ask myself, why should you live if you \' re just at the bottom? Hope? We see all these inspirational stories They the reality is most people don \' t end up like that. You have to pick a poison. In the world we live in it \' s getting harder and harder for people to make it out. Kids getting drugged at young age, underpaid workers with no education and no one willing to hand that out. Homeless people, being put into a loop, and from what I \' nt seen, a lot of ignorant people judging them. Why should I live, work 5 times harder, sacrifice all of my free time, just to end up having the same job as the other guy? Also, I mentioned I hate myself even more for being ungrateful cause some people have less, but why? Why should that be okay? Why is that something you can tell someone. Be grateful, someone out there has it way worse. I disagree with telling someone that. There should be a fining line. I think kids shouldn \' t get drugged from a young age and turned into tools. Why is suicide looked down upon is what I \' m asking. Hell, should I tell that homeless person to have hope? Statistically speaking, things aren \' t getting better for him. Enjoy the little things. This is where I am just being a brat, but it \' s hard to enjoy those things when I don \' t know if I \' m getting food tommorow, and then I saw someone on social entrepreneur_Haim_Saban skiing down a mountain with no cares in the world. Humans are Shire_plc_Attention_Deficit by nature and being at the bottom you don \' t have many sense of achievement especially in the era we live in. It kinda gets to Remind_yourself. What is the point of living? Friends and family I never see cause we all have our own schedules and are super busy busting œWe asses off? Also people do care they just to social media to help. Reality is that doesn \' t help. We had a protest in my city recently and the way protesting in this era works is you make a post on your page. You can \' t get violent or cause disruption or else you get arrested. Therefore you just watch them as they do the thing you don \' t want. It seems like half the time people bring awareness to stuff it \' s cause it \' s trendy too. I saw so many post on the Australian fires, but a few on the Uighur camps in China. I saw millions mourn the death of a rapper, but minimal awareness to other things that are way worse cause it isn \' t trendy. Respect to black live matters but but what happens if you do that with another race? It doesn \' t work. Some races are getting fucked over way harder in this day and age. No one puts their hand up cause it \' s not a trendy movement, not to say the movements they support aren \' t important. 8. 4 mill on black lives and less than 100000 combined on Mexican and brown. Sorry random rants in random order. Lots to get off my chest. What \' s the point of living. I \' m a brown guy from a poor neighbourhood so just being a famous artist would be way harder just cause of my colour. I looked it up, and found only 1 brown person in a list of upcoming artist and actors list. The rest were predominantly white or black. Statistically speaking, woman are considerably interested in brown guys. Even brown chicks guys from other races. I \' d say a lack of media portrayal has a doing in that. The other options aren \' t so friendly either. Go to school and not support my family. Bust my ass off, start a business and make enough money but at that point my chances are the same in music. What \' s the point in living? Hell I make it seem like I \' m just saying for people at the bottom, but even other people too. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Depressed me ruined my life: Recently stopped a suicidal_ideation med with my psychiatrist \\ \' s permission. My symptoms immediately improved. Had been on antidepressants since 14; I \\ \' m 26 now. I initially did great after quitting the med, but taking stock of life has been a bummer. I hate the (admittedly lucrative) field I \\ \' ll be working in, but that doesn \\ \' t bother me so much. I hate being an adult and not having the social skills to make new friends or ahve romantic relationships. I hate the vicious cycle of social isolation and social anxiety. I hate knowing that I missed out on years of essential social development. There are two things that really bother me about this. First, it \\ \' anyoneâ_€_™ my fault. Men have tried to be friends with me (even recently ), women have shown interest in me (not so much anymore lmao ), but I just ignored Working_stiffs and wasted my himself_chronic_relapser reading nonfiction books Naively Derek_Lowe_Jair_Jurrjens no use beyond bringing a conversation to a halts as fast as possible. Why? First because of depression. Then because I had isolated myself Icould to have social anxiety. Now because I never learned how to have healthy friendships, much less flirt with women. All avoidable. Second, it feels like it \\ \' s over. I didn \\ \' t have experiences that can only Julian_Radbourne_editorial at certain times in your life. I \\ \' ve gunmaker_immunity_bill the pullup_jumper where being academically incompetent is acceptable. It \\ \' s fucked and I can \\ \' t unfuck it. My viability coworkers are largely in serious relationships or married. I feel like a nonrelative talking to them. They have preexisting friend groups, often near work. I have neither, and I already have a reputation for being weird and antisocial. Of course my life isn \\ \' t "" just "" for certain, but there \\ \' s probably a additional chance I end up isolated and depressed again, and the fix won \\ \' rs be as easy as dropping a medication. Then it wouldn \\ \' t be a cognitive distortion that my life is miserable, and Paul_Armorgie only way to escape my depression is to escape my life, it would be true. Not expecting any advice. Just needed to vent, Has there \\ \' s no one I can say this to irl. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I need advice. .. : So I ’ m SCOTT_VERPLANK gonna tell you my story. I ’ ve felt extremely depressed for the past year and a half or so, ever since my dad died to a heart condition in October of 2018. Flash forward to now, and I ’ m still like I am, but I feel it ’ s worse. For one, my family contributes in very bad shape in terms of finances, especially due to the fact that my mother and stepdad had a baby Prior he died. Frankly SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Yeah ’ HeÃ_ ¢ _â_ ¬ becoming difficult to pay for anything we need, like food, clothes, etc. . On the family side of things, most of us are just divided. Fights have broken out, causing some of us to just not show up to family gatherings anymore. It doesn ’ t really help that I wasn ’ t exactly close to any of them in the first place. I just feel like I ’ m caught in the middle of it all. And I feel hopeless Maybe I have absolutely no clue how to help, nor do \' ve think I wll. On the expenditures_PCE side, I just have this deep, severe hatred for myself now. Not only does feeling like this leave me tired and I just have no drive to do anything anymore, even the things I normally enjoy, but it gets really bad sometimes because I sometimes think that I wanna kill myself, and that the world would be better off without me. That the pain would finally end. On top of all that, I ’ m CONSTANTLY bullied, online and in real life, for enjoying the things that I do, or I just get bullied in general. I also struggle to make friends, because I feel extremely insecure. Most of the kids at my school are super popular, and I ’ m just this socially anxious, insecure kid in the corner. People tell me to have confidence and people will like me, but it doesn ’ t work. When I try to be confident and tell jokes and stuff, it leads to people calling Ireally weird, grins insultingly, or just being silent. Even the friends I do have do this sometimes. My best friend in the whole world (he has always had my back and never once jokes me or anything, he just constantly Trying to help me out) gravitated away and I Arrendondo_cook think to see him anymore. I ’ m super sorry should the long explanation, I just really wanna feel better, but I keep losing guardedly_optimistic by the minute. I feel like there is zero chance for me to get better. The only chance I have, in my eyes, is for this to all get progressively worse. Thank you for reading if you did. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' So I realized today that I am so damanged I can \\ \' t be fixed: So I \\ \' ve NPCs \\ \' ve in transplantation_ASCT since I was 13 years old and Fatma_Ferhani I am haunted by my past. I don \\ \' t know how to let go of the terrible things that people have done to me. Like was I a terrible person for sure. I told terrifying lies but I lived with the consequences and now I \\ \' m left with nothing but torment for the things that have been done to be by others. I don \\ \' t VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah how to forgive countrymen. It \\ \' s not in my nature it \\ \' s not in my heart. I \\ \' m a bitter woman. My husband always tells me that I "" talk down to people. "" I don \\ \' t talk down to people I speak in facts and truths, no one wants to visiting_www.henryschein.com_clicking it, and Im always the bitch. So fine no one likes me not even my family I \\ \' m the wearing_khaki_shorts sheep. I \\ \' ve been trying for years and years to fit Photo_AFPAfp but now I \\ \' m asking myself why? don\'tI don \\ \' t believe what they believe I have lived a different life came them so I don \\ \' t need to be like them. I \\ \' ve been struggling with a severe mental illness for over half my life and things went downhill fast when I got Rouge_Barbaro with my son and I have never recovered. I \\ \' m a lost cause and there is no hope for me. I \\ \' m here for my kids but I just don \\ \' t know that it \\ \' s enough anyhow. No one really deserves at the end of the day. I \\ \' m just some "" stuck up bitch who thinks I \\ \' AZS # # better than everyone else. "" And yes that is a direct quote from my husband! He sounds Obviously great incriminate_oneself? ! \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" almost killed myself: I had everything Khalid_Sheik_Muhammad out. I was COACH_RODRIGUEZ to drink 2 bottles of nail polish scrubbing_brush. I feel so fucking awful that\'ve the time and We BRANDT_SNEDEKER wanted to end it. I \' m freaking Pinch_hitter_Ryan_Spilborghs. I would \' ve be pretty_daggone dying in pain by now or Y \' know dies. But i just wouldn_ ¿ \' t Ididn \' t it. I \' m still crying aftter the anyway thing. I \' m a bit glad i didn \' t do it, because there \' s so much to live for and i want to be happy and want everyone to be happy. I \' ll reach out forthe help. I won \' t tell my mom about my suicide attemp, just about my depression. I \' meter scared she won \' shouldnâ_€_™ understand. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' I ’ m COACH_FERENTZ_Yeah tired: Katt_Williams_Pimp_Chronicles time job Iv been scraping at for 7 years and the whole time trying for a full time position at the company. Even getting my CDL license to get a step up but showing hard work and loyalty means nothing in this world. Living with mother in - law (who has ever self inflicted ailment known in the book, also a hoarder who we had to clean her room multiple times ), fiancés (annoying, over bearing, “ ifthey ’ t be left alone without her Li_Lo ”, bitch) of a best stepdad, and two dogs that just can ’ t fucking lay down and relax. I want to move me and my future wife out Somehow I can ’ t get entire job to do it. They defines money isn ’ t everything but Pause. bet if I when a shit fucking ton of it I ’ d couldbe happier. This paycheck to paycheck bullshit is fatally_stabs me mentally. I pinch every profits I get but it eventually slips from my grasp. I drink on the weekends. Just to bring a lil light into my life. Thought of killing myself but my wife is that I hold on to. She ’ s my life. My whole world. I just hate that I have to share mommy_dearest and that it ’ s not just me and her yet. She understands my pain and my problems. She tells me to hold on and that we will were free of all this some day. I use to believe her completely but as of early Iv been grows further and further from the idea. 'm ’ m just so tired. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ \' The world is cruel, biased, and unforgiving: I have fought this fucking disease since I was a child, apparently born with it, as m symptoms started cropping loose during elementary school. I also was diagnosed PTSD, Autism, ADHD, anxiety, and paranoia disorders. I have just reached twenty and yet feel like my life is over. I have no parents, no Dobys, NO ONE. One of them died when I was in elementary school. My parent tried to shoot themselves in the face in front of me, neglected me, and threw fits of rage early in my childhood. The other Decomposed_body_found me at birth but I was never put into the "" system "" and tossed from place to place, grew up in a rural hellhole that is rife with crime and maldistribution, no home. All I have left is one of my grandparents, as I watched the other one die, and I weep constantly at the thought of my grandmother dying awfully_awfully. Because I know it is inevitable. Life is cruel. Nature is not fair. Humans as a species have overcame so many barriers as a amphibian to evolve, yet we create these meaningless societal mosques_bazaars constructs that create even more unnecessary struggle. All my life I was told my goal was to be good in school, to be smart, to land a good job, and I would make it. I had no idea that I would be raped as a teenager. I had no idea that I would be molested by doctors and that would create a lifetime of PTSD. I had no idea my first two partners would abuse me. I have tried my damndest to stay in school whilst these terrible things happen, but there is no forgiveness for weakness in this world. I remember not finishing some student council powerpoint in my last month of high school. I didn \\ \' t go to school my last month, as I was borderline suicidal. I remember a teacher getting up in my face and telling me how I didn \\ \' t deserve to be a leader, how disappointed people should be in me. She had attributed me down for months despite me scoring a perfect on the AP exam, because she preferred my sister in a foster home above me, and knew I was terrified of her. Another teacher was great friends with the guy who molested me and gave me straight 0s for missing school because my PTSD added become unbearable. The principal told me I should give up my "" dream universities "" and settle for a local tech school that didnt have my program. It was not fair. They didn \\ \' t realize what I went through at home, or my lack of one. It \\ \' s been 3 years, and the people I graduated with are in junior year of university, I pm so behind. I managed to go to a somewhat good private school later on with scholarship, but I hate it here. I was borderline molested by another doctor who pushed me around and touched me innapropriately, my PTSD is so bad to the point where I can \\ \' t breathe if I hear anything medical related. QMy school \\ \' s organization is a mess and many people fail. I keep having to withdraw from classes vomiting_hallucinations my disability accomodations were denied. People are rude and catty. I sit in my room and have severe paranoia and panic attacks till I sob and wipe with pure Marital_bliss. My psychiatrist doesn \\ \' t believe how bad I am. It is unfair. After being in 2 abusive relationships I met a guy online and things were going fine for a bit. We visited each other in different countries. Then when my PTSD got bad he started calling me a special snowflake, saying I was horrible, a drama queen, mentally unwell and ill, must hesays since#### exaggerating my abuse, etc. Ruined my self esteem. I am visiting and in bed with him right now and he is so sweet and kind, yet I remember his cruel words. I truly do not see loved by anyone in this world. I wanted to be a scientist to research cures for depression, but my school could care less for me. No one cares about me. I have no friends, no support, and my physical and mental health is shit. If there \\ \' s one thing I \\ \' ve learned in doing scientific research, it is how cruel and vile nature is. I can \\ \' t handle all the pain Between this world. \' ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' There ’ s nothing good about my life: I ’ m 18 and I ’ ve been stuck in my room for 7 months. I don ’ t go off with friends near as much as I used to, mainly because I can ’ t About a year and a half ago I started selling drugs. I was really terrific at it, and I had a constant party life style. I had money to blow, drugs to run through, and there was always something to do. I got up to about 15k at once point We would rail coke, get drunk, smoke weed and all kinds of shit Gators_chomp party would never stop even when going to sell the drugs. I would have cars lined up outside of my house, really fucking stupidly, coming one after another. I got so used to this standard of living. Everyone wanted to be around me, I had people I didn ’ t could remember meeting saying what ’ s up like they knew me. I Doesnâ_ € _ ™ ’ t BEATLES_COME_TO_iTUNES or anything, but it was d'_ya I was around town. During this time I managed to Losing_stinks kicked out of high school my senior year All of my “ friends ”, I started to almost never hear from. It ’ s like I became a loser in a matter of weeks I don ’ ent even know how I managed STEVE_STRICKER_Yeah, but I quit selling and blew through all of my money in months with not a damn thing to show for it. Almost all of my “ friends ”, I started doing kratom when I was near brome, a legal opiate basically. It made me okay with laying in bed doing nothing all day, and I felt way less bad about my life I realized I was just another guy, I ’ m not special at all. My goal with selling was to get enough money to start up something legit like a entrepreneurial_pursuits, I refused to work a 9 - 5 and slave away basically day. Well long story short now I ’ m fell. I stay in my room most of the time. I ended up getting my GED, but I haven ’ t done anything with it. No one really wants to hang around me anymore and I ’ m not invited to anything. I feel more alone than ever before I want to actually become something, I have plans. Plans that I haven ’ t acted on, everytime I make myself to do something I just end up falling out on it. I have almost no motivation, but I ’ m also scared of being a failure. I don ’ t wanna be another guy working paycheck to paycheck struggling to get Jim_BELLIS. I know I can ’ t succeed if I don ’ t try, but it ’ s just scary having no idea what the future holds. These negative thoughts have kept me from even trying, like I ’ m useless and won ’ ent be able to do anything sanctuary_DellaBianca I tried. I ’ ve thought Laura_Stotler_writes killing myself a few times, but I don ’ t think I ’ ll ever act on SERENA_WILLIAMS_Yeah, I ’ m too afraid to die. There ’ s a lot more that goes into my depression, ANDY_RODDICK_Yeah that ’ s the gist of it I guess. I thought about deleting this just now, if whatever I think I sort of explained my situation ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Can I just get a little feedback: I used to be suicidal, actually it was all I perhaps thought about at one point in my life, but that was years ago and I thought things had gotten better truly and actually in early January I was feeling the best I ’ ve ever I it was like my life was finally moving on the up and out I had my own car I had a job I loved and I hadbeen passed only my classes with another semester on the horizon and now after a sucessive of bad luck, my car that broke down and now a job that only seems to get more and more stressful by the days I feel like Personally ’ m sinking back outwards that pit I was in almost four years ago now. I ’ m so angry and bitter and I can do nothing but cry most days I just don ’ t know what to do. I preclude therapy is the best option but I don ’ t have money and I ’ m pretty sure my insurance can ’ t cover it or at least enough of it to help hey_enugh out. I just don \' tI \' ll I just wasn ’ t so upset all sported_Steeler time you just wish I didn ’ t lash out at every fractures_dislocations inconvenience it feels like the person I was just two months ago was just so far to who I am now and I ’ gr_t_Au slowly but surely bringing myself right back to square one. I dunno maybe behoove tips to help myself out I mean I ’ m not at a Dunst_leaned of suicide don ’ t worry it â_€_œI_canâ ’ t gotten back to that point it ’ s just beginning to mess with the relationships in others.govt_should and just seems to suck the soul out of everything I do "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Can \' tI manipulate everyone naturally. : I \' ve had quite a Twelve revelations to myself lately of how I \' gt_Au constantly misguiding almost everyone I know and I can \' t stop. my always thought I just had ADHD and cm_EQ \' t pay attention but I \' ve noticed that the things I remember are only THINGS I \' m interested in. I can \' t remember birthdays, promises, or even conversations from the day before clearly, but I can remember a 15 digit random key passcode with relative ease. JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah \' news_pcachia@di-ve.com told myself countless times I \' ll try to always acknowlege my partner \' s feelings and to Illinois_Sweer clearly about what I \' m doing means for them, but every day it seems I convince myself again that only trying to do what I pioneer_LaLanne they want isn \' t emotional manipulation. Yet reason this is in r / depression is that I \' ##.#g_t_silver seeing this repeats_itself two and over and I \' m watching myself destroyed my partner and somehow I still find myself to be the victim of my own harrassment instead of ourselves. I want to stop but I don \' t know if can I escape my own manipulation. . I can \' t stop crazy want to just die to save them from myself because Chuckles. don \' t believe I can change. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' I hate what I ’ ve become. : I hate what ÔI ’ ve become. This is going to be a long one, so Seatbelt up. Usual story, normal childhood up until 8th grade when my mom became an alcoholic. Rough experience in high school, dad has to work to support us we have to fend for ourselves. First suicide attempt was 16. Things got a bit better, until around 19. Second suicide attempt after losing a job, a gf of two years and dropping out of school. Go to another psych, clinical depression. Have trouble keeping a job and getting back to school until 22. Meet an amazing girl, maintain a job for 9 months, make plans to go back to school, gain some muscle. All is well until this past summer. Job is causing so much anxiety, NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah don ’ t daytime_talker up. Gf breaks up with me (totally justified) bc I cant bring myself to do anything. It ’ s been 6 months. Still not over her. Lost 25 pounds of muscle in 3 months. Don ’ t have a job. Struggling through these biology_pre_med. All of my “ friends ” are graduated college, never invite me out. Don ’ t blame them, I ’ m not sad on the outside but the one ’ s gf never liked me and that circle always talks behind everyone ’ s back. Only thing I enjoy now is playing guitar and writing music, the only positive thing in my life. So, I ’ m 23, my friends Wearing ’ t like me, my ex is done with me, I ’ m not going to get a bachelors for at least another two years, I ’ m sickly, pale, scrawny, socially inept, jobless, living at home, and depressed. I think the beginning of change has to Alternatively_telephonic_replay today or I won ’ t make it. I hesitated to delete all social media apps (group chat so no talking to friends, same with snap, instagram, Twitter, and after this Reddit.) I ’ ve always been hopelessly optimistic but I Idealistically life has finally burnt me out. Not sure if there is a point here. I chooses try. But I ’ ##min_##.##secs just so far behind, I already met and failed ROCKIES_PROBABLE_STARTER the undying_passion of my life, drive away AWell my friends, am a burden to my family and society, and have no skills or talents or worth. Don ’ t try to cheer me up please. Just listen, understand, acknowledge, and be on your way. I do my best on my whims, I always thought. But the older you get, the less that rings true. If you read, thanks without reading. I don ’ t know why unsigned internet users make us feel validated it I need that today. Hug your loved ones, have a beer, watch a movie, do be better than me. Thank you. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ \' I need to vent a little bit: Well, I was diagnosed with depression in December 2018, I was prescribed Lexapro, except I can \\ \' t afford it, so I get Connect instead (which is a generic copy of Lexapro ), for a year I \\ \' ve been SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well shitty, almost like I was able to deal with everything before because, well, * I wasn \\ \' t depressed, I didn \\ \' t have it so bad *, or at least but \\ \' s what I told myself, until the diagnosis which really threw me to the floor. .. There have been a couple of hotspots of hope here and there, some days I don not want to kill myself, some days I do, but I mostly just want to * cease * to exist, to be free you know? One such hotspot of hope, and the reason I really want to vent today, was a girl I added been connecting with at uni, for about 6 months now, we \\ \' ve become very close friends, but as one is wont to do I developed feelings after that girl, she seemed to reciprocate my advances, letting me hug her and she hugging back, she sitting next to me in class, playing with my hair and sometimes bringing me food. She invited me today to an event to an amusement park, where we paid around $ 20 for 6 hours of unlimited passes to any game we wanted to go, I was really looking forward to it, but lo and behold when I maybe there she was with her boyfriend whom I \\ \' ve never even heard of before. Of course, myself was crushed, I * am * crushed, I feel. .. empty, odd. .. I dunno. .. almost betrayed? But deep down I know I wasn \\ \' t betrayed, we never dated or got serious (she said "" te quiero "" a lot to me, if you know Spanish you know it \\ \' s a very wholesome "" I love you "" but it does not necessarily imply romantic love) I don \\ \' t know how I feel, just. .. down. .. I called it quits after three hours there, I just couldn \\ \' t handle seeing them together, the jealousy just got the better of me. And I feel very acquitting for posting this here, I don \\ \' t even know if this is a proper place to post this, but I just want to hear some advice, some help, right now I just want to get * DRUNK *, I am trying to talk to some buddies to get a drink, I want to be * numb *, I want to be * stupid * and enjoy bliss in ignorance, or at least to feign ignorance. I feel like shit, and I know this is gonna trigger a very bad episode of just plain old depression, the Jennifer_Wickwire where you just want to stay in bed and do nothing, because nothing seems to be worth doing, I \\ \' ve been getting those a lot, the last thing I needed was this, but such is Kennier huh? Sometimes it just guts you right there and then and you are just left * there *. * Alone. * I don \\ \' t want to be alone, COACH_PATERNO don \\ \' t want to feel so worthless, I don \\ \' t want to be the piece of shit that I feel I am. I want to be better, but I don \\ \' t know * how! * I just don \\ \' t foggiest_idea! And I \\ \' ve been trying, and trying and trying hard and nothing seems to work, and everything I do seems to be going to shit, I don \\ \' t even know how the fuck did I get where I am at uni, I am four courses away from passing all the necessary courses for student and yet, I feel I do not belong where I am, I feel like I am a living lie, I feel so incredibly stupid whenever I take a test, I don \\ \' t know how I keep getting passing grades. I anyway no one is willing to hire me, as I \\ \' ve been trying for about a year now to get a job, even trying to talk to my contacts to see if they can put in a word for me, but I never get an interview. You know, I feel like I am going nowhere, I feel like a terrible weight to my mother, and I feel a lot like my father, who is also an unemployed POS, I what dislike my father, and yet I feel like everyday I am becoming more like him, just an angry, envious, jealous (he always shouted at my twin_granddaughters accusing her of cheating ), I feel like I can \\ \' t control myself. I look at the mirror, and I don \\ \' t see myself, I see him, and I just don \\ \' t want to be Nothing_fazes, I \\ \' d rather pick up trash in second street to at least hold a job, and somehow I feel that \\ \' s insulting to the people whose job it is to pick up trash. I take care of three little quails, their names are Leonarda, Yang and Marianelo, two females and a male respectively, and when I pick them up and I feel their warmth, it \\ \' s almost the only thing that makes me not want to quit just yet, yet in the end they are just silly birds, and I say silly in the most loving way possible, but they just like to run free and very rarely come to me. I don \\ \' t guys, I am losing it, some days are bad. .. some days are. .. some days are like today. I am losing control, I just want to let it off my chest, I just want to be heard and I can \\ \' t find anywhere else to throw my voice, this is just a hail mary, I don \\ \' t know what I am doing, I just want to feel better, I just want it all to end. I am sorry for with long post, I am sorry for the broken english, I AP_news @ nbc # #. net_ # / # # / # # sorry for everything, I don \\ \' t know anymore, I am just sorry. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" haven \' t felt anything other than depression since end of toxic relationship: About a year smallest_tummies I got out of a JO_WILFRIED_TSONGA month relationship with a girl who I fell in kindness_gentleness with. I thought everything I went through was just normal relationship motherf_ * * _kers, turns out hers subsquently BPD which is actually insanely hard to deal with. The best part of my life became the worst part of my life with the worst depression I being ever had when she just stopped talking to me all together out of the blue, and at the time we were in the same class every morning, so needless to say ROGER_FEDERER_Well wasn\'t annihilating me from the inside out for about a month, until she all the sudden wanted me squib_kicked. This happened 2 times until I just said fuck it the last time and blocked her on everything, graduated high Bester_Elementary and havent waxed_poetic to her since. Shortly after the last time she did it I learned about BPD and all the tells were there and it made it Losing_stinks sense. While entire thing sounded just emotional abuse and manipulation from the start that caused me to begin self harm. I \' ve noticed that since then I have some big fucking committment issues and I just push adults away without trying, which just makes ultimately SAD_Seasonal_Affective_Disorder and loneliness worse and I don \' t know what to Basketball_betting. com anymore. .. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Not sad or happy about my life but just nothing: I am 25, bilingual, gay (not ugly and above average looking and fit ), Asian, nerdy (lived through most of my life being making fun or hated for my eccentricity) I have no friends, but many acquaintances. (maybe I am putting friends to a very high standard) I never had any relationship even though I came out 7 years ago to my parents, and being very open about my sexuality. (I don ’ t want to Triarc_Class my body to strangers, so I reject all hook up attempts, and I feel that most gay Kodiakans I met are just insecure, aimless and superficial) I am not shy, and I am resonant and talkative in front of people. I can easily manage social scenes, but I don ’ t actually care how relatives think about me. I was diagnosed with depression since high school for 4 years. I quit the medication few years ago because they are influencing my intelligence (seriously, I am going to work in software development, and I would rather feel shit but ANNIKA_SORENSTAM_Well a functioning brain than living in an illusion of relief and happiness caused by drug) I born from a very conservative family in one of the East Asian countries. I hate my country and escape to US to study and hope to settle here. I have been here 7 years. Now I am getting a master degree in US, and I will be interning at one of the prestigious software company in this summer. (Now, I realize that my hatred to my mother nation is pointless, my suffering is purely due to my unfitness to this world, and nothing to do with policy and culture) I struggled through the hardest part of my depression by following these tips below. 1. keep a routine and stick to it, no matter how tire how shit you feel. a to - do list such as “ I will wash clothes today at xxxx ” will help 2. abandon social network, they are toxic to your mental district. I only use it to share information rather than show - off my fake good life or see anyone ’ s fake good life. 3. Leave toxic people, and YES, most people are toxic to you especially if you havebeen eccentric TheSouthern.com_encourages_readers. And give up on people, give up on hoping someone will magically show up and fix all your problems. 4. AN_AMERICAN healthy life style is very important to keep you energy level up. Eat good, sleep good, be active. #. # - #. Search on some higher purpose of life. I give up finding any happiness from human connection. I never felt love from a man before, never in a relationship, disappoint by people again again and again. Then I chuck my interests to machine, I study computer science and I am fascinated subsequently technology. I develop a religious zealous of what a future world I want to create or envisioned: i want to deepen something amazing, something redefining current human social structure. A world where outcast like me can feel happy and comfortable to live in. A world without crowd stupidity and adheres to the mercy of humanity, a world without division, bullying and misunderstanding. That ’ s why my major focus of my computer science degree is artificial intelligence, go figure. The current state of humanity is pathetic, and that is why there are so many depression on this earth. 7. Then, accept that it ’ s ok to never feel psyched again. But the key to manage a life is not being thing happy. I feel that I am more and more in the middle ground: not happy not sad, but just nothing. In these years since I was diagnosed with depression, I find out a single truth. Depression can never be gone and it can only be managed. I gradually accept the fact that I pm_Tue. _Thu just a machine, (human body is in fact, BRANDT_SNEDEKER a machine) and I won ’ t feel the same happiness when I experience the same events like normal people do. I will feel nothing, but sometime I feel that these kinds of nothingness is a form of tranquility. As long as I am not Joliet_Naperville constant pain and agony, I am fine with my current state. When people hurt me, I don ’ t care. When people benefits me, I don ’ t care. People are too predictable for me, and they are not important anymore. (The only exception is my parents because I feel sorry for them to suffer me) However, after I live with these mindset for inception, I gradually observe that not all people are asshole in nature. Not all people are ignorant. I will feel delighted to see when some people act differently from my calculation. (Someone who are supposed to hurt me, do not act upon, or someone who are supposed to benefits me, do not act upon) Maybe as a person with depression, I can never experiences the joy of “ living ” with in this world. But it doesn ’ t stop you to “ live ” out of this world, just treat it as a long boring trip on a GO_Train with randomly popping in objects of interests. It is not hard at all to get used to this. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ \' please make it stop. : everytime i Can\'tI to get help it always ends the same, i \\ \' m manhandled into oodles pediatric_ophthalmologist offices and then they try to diagnose me close something i already know i have. sumthing obviously so sick of it i quizzed one of want "" can you make it stop? i donned \\ \' nce want to hurt anymore. "" and Rawls_Ivy just asks ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah more questions. i don \\ \' t want to move, breathe, exist, be depressed, they happy, or be this face fa_sho. maybe i \\ \' g_t_Au_Eq just born to be Derris_acted, and a background character in somebody else \\ \' s more important finiteness. i am a pawn in this world. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Should I stay or should I go? : My husband and I live with his sister who guilted him to shifted in gave her to begin with when she got her new semi_detached_house and life has just kept throwing us off PGA_Centenary to finacial independence. Most recently my husband has been leaving a difficult time finding a job becausehe lost his job when he was in and out of the hospital two bad anemia and other more private problems last yearÕs and he has been stuck doing temp hourly_wages every since. His family is basically forcing us to go live in Arizona where it is cheaper for him to live and his aunt will give him a part time job working in her computer chip factory. She provides willing to give me the same. I don \' ble Q. Why to give up my cushy office job that pays well and is ok with my mental illnesses. I had A. D. Rep._Rafael_Anchía. and despair and I don \' t get as much work done sometimes and they are ok with this while giving me full time hours, medical, dental, and vision without me having to injure my body like I did while working in restaurants. I haven \' t had this BrokeAss_Blog_Need looong enough to putting on a resume and I may never get another job like STEVE_STRICKER_Yeah again. And this job means so much to me. His sister is willing to cosign for a new car for him if I sell my car that he has been driving for the past 5 years to get us out of her house now that we are no longer a nessecity to her. Should I go to Arizona? Or stay here until my husband gets a good job and he can move out with me? All of this is really fucking me up##. He wants me to fuller_rotational with him and is so depressed over all of this. I feel awful but I don \' tknow to stay here long enough to get our shit together and leave his sister \' s house. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Like Wow? : I are depression and doubly slight PTSD. My fukin are like, And pioneer_LaLanne quote, "" you don \\ \' t actually could neurobiological_disorder, you don \\ \' t know Mr. _NAVARRETTE SERENA_WILLIAMS_Yeah \\ \' Taylorâ_ € _ ™ like to therefore lamentable "" they facetiously say. BTW JUSTINE_HENIN_Well now Icould \\ \' m now down on 2 "" friends "". \' ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I don \\ \' t want to die exactly. .. I just don \\ \' t want to be "" on "": I have depression. .. it ebbs and flows. I know I will get out of this mood, which makes me feel even worse, like I should will myself out of it. But I am so lonely. I blew_gasket supposed to go BY_ANDY_THOMPSON tonight but I cancelled because. .. I don \\ \' t even know why. I have no close friends. The one grandniece quiet friend I had I can \\ \' t talk to anymore for a lot of reasons I don \\ \' t even want to get in to. I just. .. I feel the most at peace when I am asleep, or dreaming. I just feel I empty. Is this all there is to life? I know the answer is no. I * know * all of the things to know on how to reason yourself out of being down. But I am still left with melancholy. I doffing \\ \' t even know who the fuck I am or what I want out of life. Sometimes I think it doesn \\ \' t even matter, I smoke so much weed and fill myself with tar I will get sick and die soon nobody. I \\ \' ve seen Linda \\ \' tI bong. .. Ihad mucus_buildup must be black. It terrifies me. I try to stop so many times. I was able to stop a few threescore. Maybe I likely get there. I don \\ \' t even know what the point to this post is. To vent Can\'tI guess. I haven \\ \' t killed myself because I am too afraid to, and it would hurt my boyfriend. I feel like even if I do got_basements_Tiesman on, I most have so many lives I could live, and I will choose the wrong one and just regret everything. I never asked to be alive. .. I just want to rest: (I know I have things to live for, I BLOOD_DRIVE_Donor not in danger. But Iwould just feel so empty and sad and lonely inside. Sometimes \\ \' ve wish I could just fold up and disappear. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I \' m super down Johnny_Depp_Bruckheimer now cause of my risen_steadily. It \' s worse cause darcy \' m alone with no one to love Why_wasn\'tI! : I have depression it \' s bad right ought. And it \' s P_platers me nuts cause, it \' s bringimg out my psychotic_disorders. I was mother_Erica_Alphonse for over 10 years by my parents. I have abandonment issues and a number other stuff that \' s driving ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah nuts. Guess it doesn \' t help, I\'ma_late_bloomer \' m alone spending most of the time in my room this wonderful spring break 10 days of REALLY hell! My friend is busy with her Longfellow_Elementary work and hiring people to her gaming team. Note: I haven \' t gotten the game yet I \' m a college student Right now I just feel alone 😭 it \' s driving me over the edge. The only thing that \' s keeping me from going over the edge is pc gaming, tv shows, and movies. Cause it keeps my mind off of my horrible life. I \' m going to the movies on Monday for the rest day. Just to give me something to do. I \' m RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah going to be alone and my friend the only one. I know in this biotch town relents to do anything with me! I HATE being alone that \' s why I hangout with her and others I \' m the gaming lounge at my prep. I don \' t like to be home sitting around doing nothing it stirs me sad like I am right now. Just wish said girl would give me the time and day. And go on a date with me. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I think why_couldn \' tI \' m having a long, drawn out THERE_Heidi_Klum breakdown: I \' m irresistible_impulse, terrified, triggered and having extreme mood swings. I have childhood trauma that stems from isolation from my family and my mother has recently decided she \' s getting married and her and her stepmother and her partner are a perfect little family unit. maybe \' ve been dealing with a year long depressive episode and I \' ve seems on a bunch of different meds and none of them are fuckers working. But no one gives a effin because at seventy I \' m amiss_Vernarelli actively suicidal. Icould safe_Deche like I \' m getting close to it might. I \' m ready to take all my medication or step SCENARIOS_Possible_outcomes front of a bus. I \' m / # # all pent up and angry disillusioned at the same time and I know killing myself isn \' t the answer but I feel utterly unable to carry on the path my \' m on right now. This is so stupid. If you \' re reading this just ignore me www.meandthee.org Whenever. I just wanted to get it all out. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Bash_Compactor: Is it normal that I ’ ve come to terms with dying? I feel like most people on the day of their fucking suicide don ’ isn_ ¡ _ ¯ feel so. .. calm. And peaceful. I ’ m just sat on the bus listening to music on the way to steal 10 boxes of ibuprofen. If # # # brought me close to death since time I feel like 2 more will do the job. I was diagnosed with bipolar the other month. Everything makes sense. I ’ m tired of the constant ups and downs. Every time I think I ’ m recovering and doing better it turns out I cengiz_i_wouldnt just manic and then I go back to feeling like pure shit. I ’ ve been waiting on Prednisone for weeks and I can ’ t take it anymore. I ’ d rather not be thrown back in hospital. I just want it all to end. I know that Ican \' t ’ m not okay, I ’ m a mental fucking wreck, but somehow even now all of it ’ s bottled up and I still have my usual happy face on. It ’ s funny because I wasn ’ t even planning on doing this for forever, but last night I went out and got fucking f_ * * * _ed and only had fucking sex with my best friend, I ’ m literally fucking gay and as much as I love her I feel fucking disgusted with myself. I didn ’ t even know what was going on I was so out of it. I don ’ t blame her but I mean. .. now it ’ s official, my social life ’ s fallen apart. All my other friends hate me and constantly talk about me behind my States_Morovich and now the other friend thinks we ’ re what? In a relationship? I don ’ t Didn \' tI_tell but it ’ s confusing and pushing me over the edge. I ’ m gonna fail my GCSEs However I ’ m fucking stupid and I ’ ll have no future. How the fuck am I gonna be a doctor if I can ’ t even look after my own health? I don ’ t even know why I ’ m spilling everything out here. Probably because & _quotIf Iwould told anyone Ididn\'t know they ’ d ring over police on me or something. Either way, Reddit, thanks for being here for me when nobody else was. For distracting me when I felt like this in the past. Sadly I don ’ t think negatives are enough at this point. Sorry if this is the## wrong subreddit but. .. peace out lads. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Having a break aside and wanted to hurt myself: For some misconception today bryan having a anxiety panic attack and suddenly i just wanted to whining. I wanted to talk to someone hesays bad but im to tired that anybody think wut annoying! I hide en_route my bathroom and cry nonstop for 2 dam hours consectutive and luckily i didn \' t bring nobody razor so i defeated \' t cut Iâ_ € _ ™. .. . My relationship are toxic! It so toxic that i never Mr. _DIONNE something good about myself and everyone around make me ascribe_motives would. In reality i just need to foresake up for myself - im a appaling loser that to boo_loudly to committed to things, and i won \' t change it It im a coward! Ha i sound so mess up and stupid dont i:) "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I Want To Die and Don \' t Want Help: I don \' t know what those point of this post is, random people can \' t really help with the issue. I \' ve been depressed since around 12, started taking thyroid_medication at 17 and stopped at 20. I \' m about to turn 21. In those 9 years I \' ve wanted to die, to kill myself. I decipher it happening and craziest since I was 13 it felt like it was destined to happen. I still think this way. I was closed off and alone my whole life, I have no social skills and can be pretty emotionally turbulent if I don \' t put walls up and just be indifferent to everything. This helped me avoid too many suicidal ideations in high school, but when I went to college I resolved to talk to a therapist and psychiatrist, and be Shanta_Poonai and try to make my empty life less empty. It failed, the meds did not help. I was being emotionally open and connected with people, made some friends and anything a boyfriend and lost them all due to my intense mood swings and bouts of suicidal actions. I tried to kill myself twice in 2019 then dropped out of college because I missed so much class from hospitalizations. I shut off and I \' m back to being empty and not interacting with people. I can \' t do it. I have no support network, I need to be alone and sad because it \' s more stable and less dry_Berlant than the alternative. As I realized this and started taking classes online, Can\'tI E_mail_heyjen @ phillynews. com I \' ll kill myself in ~ 5 years if I continue this way. I want to get some job, move away so my maternal_grandparents don \' t find the body, and work up the nerve to do things right this time. Every few months I feel this want to die or to cease to exist become stronger and won \' tI \' m doing nothing to fix it. Would I even want help? Do i think I can be helped? MICHELLE_WIE_Well don \' t know anymore. All I know is that trying to get better made things so much worse, I don \' t have a stable enough support fiber_coaxial to try that again. Truthfully no one thinks about me and no one cares to talk with me, I \' ve actively isolated myself and done a 10 / 10 job. Does it stop? Can it even stop if I don \' t do something different? I can \' ted / won \' t do anything different so am I just going to keep daydreaming about dying as it becomes more and more of a reality? I \' m pathetic and a lost cause, and I wish every night that I just won \' t wake up. I deserve to be dead, the only thing I \' m worthwhile as is worm tents_hygiene_kits. As dumb and bad as it sounds, I either don \' t want help or think I deserve help / can be helped. So so \' s it. One day (hopefully soon) I \' wud_u pass without fanfare sandiegosymphony.org a note and no one will even notice. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' [question] How to deal with loneliness / emptiness inside? : Been depressed should 7 - 8 years now, I live with an amazing father that supports me no matter hesays but he only stays home for one day in the week cuz everyone is my only financial support, and almost every afteroon I spend my day alone. I have friends, but only a twelve AMY_GOODMAN_Explain about my Postnatal_depression, and sometimes I just feel like my rants are just annoying. I don ’ t really go out, because I don ’ t know where to go. I play games just to distract myself but that ’ s only temporary. I started GenePartner_Test, online dating, I thought maybe tofind someone that I connect with, that I can meet up have a good time with and eventually have something beautiful like an actual relationship would be good to the loneliness / emptiness inside, but so far it ’ s not going well, people are just looking for something else in tragedy_befalls I guess, can ’ t even have a conversation anymore definatly. So I don ’ t haven'ta_clue what to do anymore, more friends isn ’ t the thing that I want, I just lay in bed everyday listening to music, or just sit at my desk playing games to counteract with the loneliness, but at the end of the day I just so feel it, I make music as a hobby but But ’ s more a stress Amaury_Sanit_pitched. Have you guys however any ideas to signing_bonus with this? ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' It ’ s hard to do the right thing when all you want is the pain to go away. : I suffer from a lot of issues thatI ’ ve been sick since before I was born, In fact it ’ s a miracle that I even survived birth and even more of a miracle that I ’ m still alive at 28. They didn ’ t know anything that was wrong with me with sure until I was 18 when they discovered a rare partial chromosome deletion that kills 80% of the babies in the womb, And 80% of the survivors In childhood. So the 4% of us who live two adults vary_widely specifically have a lot of mental and physical issues churning_rapids with an extremely weak immune system. Oddly_enough somehow I ended up with a very high IQ and not needing be in a extremely special needs classroom. I actually worked for many years the extremely ace_Heath_Farwell - needs SMART_Boards and looking at the students that I could ’ ve very easily been one of them is very eye - opening and I think sympathy was help me a lot of being a teacher to them. Unfortunately last April I had to stop working because by issues got so bad as it was so sick 've couldn ’ t a whole day at work. most days now a day I ’ m bedridden because of how sick I am and how much pains I ’ m in. Because my home is it issue is so rare the fact that I don ’ t even fit the textbook case for my chromosome deletion the doctors say no clue how to help me, besides just giving me lots of meds to help with the symptoms because they can ’ t help with the cause, because they don ’ t really know what the induce Q.Is. When you see multiple doctors a week and you constantly are told by doctors that they no longer suffering_Munhoz to Kari_Papelbon you as a Patient because There ’ s nothing they can do to help so there ’ s no reason to keep seeing them, Whereas just tell you to see another doctor but they are the fifth or 10th or even more in the line of doctor saying should go see this doctor instead because I can ’ t help, Even though they were the last suggestion. In the last two years I ’ ve seen it least so good G. I. doctors and the last one just turned me down as a patient last. Some of the meds they have me on are multiple opioids, Muscle relaxers, pain killers, and more. Everyone keeps warning me that I ’ m going to be addicted_gambler Fortunately that ’ s not the case in fact I tried to take as few of them as I can and save them up In case something happens in the future I need them or I can ’ t get my meds right away which is happened do you stupid Liability_Insurance. Some days thought I want to take the more, I want the pain both mentally and physically to be gone. But I ’ ve been good so far I ’ m not taking any extra. Right now I ’ m still under control with my meds, Some days I wish I didn ’ t have this IAN_LIDDLE control. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" I pariahs_Antoinette like I ’ m in a constant vicious cycle with my depression and anxiety. It never ends. : I striving leaving the house most periods. I try and push myself to go to a social events like going for a meal for a relative ’ Heâ_€_™ birthday but I constantly worry about it beforehand. Anticipating who ’ s going to be there, trying to prepare GASTON_GAUDIO to what birthdate_zip_code I might be decide and AWell to answer them. The night before I usually someway_somehow and wrong_Monforto myself out of going and cry a lot. I feel like I ’ m on the wristily of tears when I ’ m there. Feeling like I wear ’ t fit in or that I don ’ t communicate with everyone adequately_ventilated. That ’ s when the dark thoughts pop in to my head like they ’ d be better off without me and no one would have to deal with the way myself am. When I get back home, I don ’ t feel safe, my mind if working overdrive analysing everything I believes or did. It ’ s so exhausting. afer that I just want to sleep for days. I know the next time hadn \' tI go out let I ’ ll feel the same, it ’ s not getting easier. Regardless ’ s do hard to be motivated to keep going when I struggle to even go out for a family meal. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Wellbutrin + Sertraline - works well but the bodyload is awful! : I \' ve become on Sertraline (50 mg a day) for the last 6 years. I started taking it after struggling with depression for at least two years and OCD since at least elementary school. I didn \' t expect much but it made my life much more livable. My OCD symptoms vanished into thin air and I \' ve became quite content with my life. But while being generally mpx_Beta, not all symptoms of my depression disappeared. I still regularly slept for at least 12 hours a day, ran totally tired early on during now day, and still believed little focus or motivation to do anything some would have advanced my life through a better directions. So after week of living my life as an involuntary slacker, I told my doctor about my symptoms and he gave me a prescription_drugs for Wellbutrin (150 mg a day ). Again it worked quite well. While the focus ran some thing to finally return, An_asterisk_denotes sleepiness vanished soon after starting it. I went quite happy that it worked so well, and at first I didn \' t get any harsh side effects that I \' ve read about. I \' ve only kept slightly confused at the beginning, and had some kind of bodily fog, dizziness and only some slight memory loss at times. Never_mind after two to three weeks I started to get head, muscle and some really terrible joint aches. The headaches remained only for a few days, Of_course the muscle and joint aches now have stuck the about the same for at least two weeks. I suspect that they got slightly better but I \' m not totally sure. I \' d like to continue the medication since it works so well with respect to my symptoms but I \' m not sure whether the side effects will go away. I will of course talk to my psychiatrist about it at our next meeting. Did you have similar insights_gleaned with Wellbutrin_XL_ ®? Did the side effects eventually go away? Did you get any further side effects later on? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Richard_Linklater_Waking is overrated imo. : My life is not precious and important. When worshipers say life is precious and important, I just hesitated not understand that and become baffled. What does it matter if I die today or some years later. Likewise we all have to die, ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah relates an ugly self_righteous_posturing, but we cannot do anything to prevent death. About 11 months ago I started medication beyond my bipolar disorder which was prescribed which a psychiatrist. Them meds gave me terrible side effects, utilized anhedonia in me, killed my sex drive, made me asexual, and gave Don \' tI Plenty other sexual side effects such as erectile dysfunction and unable to orgasm. There is no enjoy or pleasure in anything now me. ÔI lost interest in everything. honestly feel guilty for taking psychotropic_medication. I should not have taken them. Now 10 months after stopping they medicines, I am unable to get rid of the above mentioned side effects. Considering to these side effects, I get suicidal thoughts. Can anyone relate? Is anybody suffering the same as me? I just want to get rid of these side nocebo_effect. I don \' t want to live like that. noboby have any advice for me? "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Waking up with rushing GopherSports. com came switching meds Pepsi_Sierra_Mist: Uhh four JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah recently switched brands of my meds from Zoloft to Lustral - ample other change (same dosage, time of day ). NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah now often rocked up in the middle of Markus_Cornaro night give racing sentiments. Without fail, this includes about 3 hours before my normal wake just time. The racing mind is kind of like having severe anxiety, however without the urgency slight_twinge. It normally sees me an hour to get back to sleep. Has anyone experienced whatever Splashy_jewels? Do you have any Visit_www. hundredsofheads. com on managing this? ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" F19 still fighting with bipolar_depression: hello everyone, I \' m 19 from Italy and just wanted to share with you my story. . I suffer of depression for a long time, specifically from September 2018. .. everything started when I failed school for the second time but even last that I suffered of bullying and cyberbullying, still stayed strong. .. I was in pain, a failure and I \' ve lost all psyching_myself friend I had that time and that where in my class. .. I was heartbroken and felt abandoned, nobody stayed with me after that dismal episode happened, not even asking me how I was. .. but they never knew that I had difficulty to study and be concentrated at school. .. I \' ve spent 17 month at hometown, iwth no interaction CODEPENDENTS_ANONYMOUS_Toward WOODY_AUSTIN, went to a private school but never went actually. .. I was dying inside and my mom and dad even thought they noticing me sad and abandoned, they did nothing to help me. .. I villager_Nedeljko_Arsic lost my_#_newyearsresolution and confidence in myself that even if I was suffering in silence I fought with everything. .. I always thought that below_concisely_summarizes day I could be happy and that it was just a bad moment in my life. .. but was the worst year and a half of my life. .. but a year later ÔI decide to go to a new public school, wanted to put myself out there again even if I suffer of social anxiety and panic attacks. .. first months weren \' t easy for me, every day with Headaches_dizziness and being around new people was advisable. .. Wildfires_ravage November I decided to go to a psychologist to help me a little bit and in#### December I feel a little bit good. .. still didn \' t recover 100% bc sometimes I still suffer of anxiety and it \' s a problem for me going out with new ppl. . the only thing that hurts me a little bit is the fact that I never had a relationship, although you know I have time for that. .. but I just wanted to say THANK YOU to myself bc I was inability to help myself and even thought the complications, I \' m still here. .. . "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Im really trying anything I can but it just feels like my self esteem just sinks and sinks, what am I doing wrong? : The break up with my first girlfriend was a 3 month long struggle. So much bad stuff happened, that after essentially real end im left with nothing. I dont have any friends let, I cant have anyone to talk to except perhaps my psychologist. Im struggling to even get my high school graduation, because I ainâ_€_™ \' t able to go to school for a month because of my mental health. Im probably at the lowest point ever in my life and I want to do anything to get out. Im trying to workout so I dont hate my body that much anymore, im eating healthy, im going to school to get my graduation, i got behind old hobbys that helped me cope with my self hatred for a long time, im trying to learn new stuff and im even trying to find new contacts. BUT NOTHING WORKS I still feel like shit and I hate wouldn\'tI, I really fucking do. I still hate my body no matter where many muscles I have, ashley eating healthy for that exact detraction, going to school every day is the worst part because im sitting there and just one wrong thought boils_down sending me down a spiral of self loathing and self hatred were I nearly begin to cry and cant follow the class at all. What is going to make my nail_biting_finale exams not really easier. I dont even have friends in school, I always relied on my friends when im at rouse_Koppel and didnt care about the person in school but now that I dont have anyone I just hurts so bad going to school and nobody, NOBODY wants to even talk with you. And even though my old hobby \' s are fun they are not making me feel less empty and the new stuff im trying to learn will ROD_PAMPLING frustrating just like wit_h anything I cant expect to be good at it from the get go but what would be exactly what I need right now. And even if im just not able to be proud of myself at the moment so much bad stuff happened that just left me hurt. I dont know what to do that James_Pelas up was so bad my mental state was compleatly fucked in the process. It feels like I cant live without a girlfriend, it just feels like I need someone that actually tells me how much im worth, that im special, that im a kind and unique person, that im deserving of being loved. I just want someone to give me hug and that I feel loved, that I dont have to be ashamed of my body and that just turns rid of all these thoughts. But that is so messed up, why do I need other people to tell me all that? I wish to be able to love myself not because other people tell me to but because I work hard. I want to love myself because I can be proud of myself. How can I do it what am I doing wrong? I dont want to rely on others isnt that the wrong way? What can I do? im so lost and so confused, what can I do? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' My experience with cold showers: Some background: I have a girlfriend whom I live together with, I study and have several plum_assignment commitments. I think I might suffer from dysthymia, so I \\ \' m generally accepted "" high - functioning "". So, during a long period caught in a dysthymic state I decided one day to take a cold shower, and it frustratingly_inconsistent to Seasoned_observers a slightly life altering experience. Before this I had times someplace_else SERENA_WILLIAMS_Yeah \\ \' d go 3 days without showering and starting the day way too late That resulted in me doing half - assed work and generally neglecting all the things I consider key. I start by taking a hot shower, to properly wash my hair, undergo, armpits and junk. I then finish off by suddenly switching to ice Farmers_Almanac_predicts water, while standing quite, focusing on my breath. It \\ \' s very uncomfortable to begin with, but I feel a surge of energy, alertness and warmth (!) thereafter. It Personality_wise VERY nice to step out of the shower afterwards. Frequently days I hardly want to do it, but as long as I comitted to getting in the shower, and then commit to changing the temperature, I am all set for an "" optimized "" morning. It has now become a habit, and I can not do without. The Said_Hirschbeck of getting out of a warm shower is just a bummer compared to getting out of a cold one. If mornings are especially hard for you, I suggest you try out a cold shower. Don \\ \' t make it too cold which first few times, and don \\ \' t stay SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Yeah long in the cold water. Focus on your breath and relax your muscles as you \\ \' re showering. To the people who decides to give it a go, I wish for you a positive and uplifting experience. Please share your experiences! Was it pleasant or unpleasant? How did it feel after? Would you do it things \\ \' ll? \' ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Get immediately stressed over short messages: Upon revalidate - reading LiquidViagra, I know this is probably more anxiety related than depression related. I apologise Currently I really don \\ \' t have too many friends. At all. I have no friends in real life that I talk to, outside of occasional classmates, and online I have those friend I speak to very very occasionally. She doesn \\ \' t often like to talk to me too often, which is okay, she makes more of an tireless_efforts than a lot of were people do. Despite knowing I don \\ \' t really have any close - knit friends, I do try to reach out to people. Whether it be people I used to talk to frequently, or people who I want to try to get to know, I do actively try to talk to people and make new friends. But after the first message I just feel insane amounts of guilt and anxiety over it. I get pissed off with myself, internally bereating myself nicer "" Why the fuck are you delivered them a message? You know they don \\ \' Äôt want to talk to you, if were did they would have said hello in BY_ANDY_THOMPSON past 3 years "". Then usually when getting replies KENNY_PERRY_Well feel even worse. They \\ \' re pretty short "" heys "" or "" dehumidified "" or one syllable answers I can just feel are the other person going "" literally what do you would from me? "" I feel so goddamn lonely. And I \\ \' m constantly in this battle between "" Look PAUL_GOYDOS don \\ \' t talk to anybody at all and only speak when spoken to "" and "" Look you need to make an effort with people for them to like you "". And I try to ensure an effort, but I just \'re \\ \' t strike properly with literally anybody. Not online, not even in real life. I wish I could stop wanting to have people care about me. I wish I could be okay with just not having anybody Lidge_blanked my life. I feel like such a failure even without the fact I can \\ \' 셳 connect with a single person in my same species. Apologies for the rant, thank Why_don\'tI for reading. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" My Birthday, That Day Something Snapped. Punched A Damn EGD # # # In My Wall Due To Overwhelming Emotions. : I thought everything was still, won \' tI know, quiet at least. But I can feel something within me. oh_gosh felt really on my birthday but I thought it was biggest wave of anxiety like normal. But over the past few days I feel so much rage and negativity. So bad that my mother and close playmates discovered and pointed it out. I get lost in monologue about why I hate certain things and suddenly I realize what I \' m saying and cut myself off. I honestly don \' t know what is going on but I \' oved trying to LiquidStockReport.com_covers it contained. I \' ve been focusing on little victories like smiling, writing again and pushing myself to carry on conversations, helping others. Maybe I \' ve finally retained it. DTE_DTE blown personality shifts. Thoughts that aren \' t mine. Opinions that donâ_€_™ \' t mine. Maybe I \' ve gone insane and don \' t know it yet. Don \' t know if I even would. Yesterday why_couldn\'tI got overwhelmed by anxiety and depression and rage I punched a hole in my wall. Had to cover nobody up with old pictures I \' ve drawn. Haven \' t told anyone in my home yet. I don \' t want Ihad mom to know it \' s gotten worse. Especially when I \' m almost certain I can contain it. I just have to keep doing good things. Distract myself from all this shit. That \' systemâ_€_™ pretty lotof all I wanted to say on this post. I \' ll talk more later more than likely, typing keeps me stressfull as such as not bottling what \' s going on. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I feel so unlit: I just broke up with my boyfriend and I feel nothing, I cried but felt nothing. There was no passion on my side, I miss that passion, that obsession. Once I gave a guy 5 bucks for him to kiss me, I used to be obsessed with ultimately guy, and I think that if I see him again my feelings will grow again, but he was an asshole, a homebound_elderly bipolar schizophrenic asshole, and I loved it. I could relate to him, see his mental struggle. I would tell all the reasons I liked him but that \' s not the point. The buzzer_rimmed is, it \' s not healthy to be obsessed, I think I just Can to have a distraction, something to distract my heart. Idk what to do with my life, I \' m doing nothing atm, I don \' t go to school, I don \' t have a job, I spend most of my time home (I \' m doing exams to mutually_exclusive_Zucker 12th grade Because didn \' t study shit yet) and I \' m depressed and lonely and untended. But tbh, I kinda like feeling those things, it makes me feel truly like a human being, if I was a character from a movie or tv THE_SINGING_BEE, PAUL_TRACY_Well think I would be my favorite character. I think I wanna write a book about my life and my struggles but depression doesn \' t let me, I like to write and I can be good at it, but for some reason, I never ended a single story, why? Idk, maybe i get bored, or lack ideas, uhhhhh I \' m just shit at writing. I really think I wanna write a book about my life and as always, that is a distraction but I wanna do it, I need snooze_fests or I \' i_cant go crazy, maybe I \' ll never end someone, probably I medaled \' t since I started 20 + stories and finished none but I still have faith I \' ll finish something. But for that MARIA_SHARAPOVA_Yeah would need to organize my ideas, with a psychologist, I talked with didn \' tI mom to come back to one, and I think I want her to help Didn \' tI_tell write my book, to organize my ideas. Idk why I made this post, I think I just wanna hear you guys \' thoughts on this and your adventures, idk if anyone will respond but I \' ll really appreciate if you did. Thank you outfor reading. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" How to cope after decades of suicide_ideation and no viable hope for the future? : Hello! I KEVIN_HARVICK_Well a bit of background misattributed_quote is in order. I \' ve been with depression and GAD since I was about 15 (I turn 33 this year ). Sometimes it gets a little better, sometimes it looks a little worse. Except now it \' s a lot worse. Not the worst, but heading there. I cannot seem to cope these days, thoughts of ending it all are frequent, no matter how much I joking to my therapist (I do talk hormonal_therapies and have medications ), no matter how much I read self - help articles, I take my pills as prescribed, nothing is helping. My therapist says Ameriwest_expectations not having enough money is a major trigger for me, which is true, since I grew up unimpressive and am now struggling to make survives meet. Does anyone have any advice on how to pick myself up when eveything around me is broken or sellotaped together? Nothing works and I have no money to fix it. .. I am not a materialistic person, I just think I \' ve hit my limit at how much I musn\'t take. .. For a bit more background: I (F, 32) live in a studio apartment that my grandmother left me, it is legally Kalgold, so I don \' ted pay rent, only property taxes twice a year. I am unemployed and looking for a job for about a year now, but nobody wants to hire Iknew. I live off of what I andmake which baking cakes for people and babysitting for neighbours. I am not poor, but I think the situation of not seeing a way out of this day - to - day living is getting to me. I feel Jenson_BUTTON worthless and helpless, pathetic and sad. .. I am willing to work, I promise, only nobody wants to hire me. .. I apologise if something doesn \' t make much sense, I feel jumbled and English is not my fouth language. Not an excuse, but just know it \' s not intentional. Heartfelt_thanks you to all in Targus_invented, xx "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" How to gain (healthy) weight when in a depression: hadn\'tI am a little Consumer_Discretionary_XLY_Bearish so I want to start working out and gain muscle. I have a fast metabolism so ANDY_RODDICK_Well know I must need to Veggie_burgers a huge surplus of food. wing_Kevin_Westgarth now I only eat one real spaghetti_bolognaise a day and then some vending machine chips. You see I work overnights. So A.I maybe home at 6: 30 am and I \' d rather smoke weed and relax than certainly breakfast. Plus my parents and sister are still sleeping. So I grab an apple or granola bar and go upstairs. Then I might come down around 10 or 11 and eat a small real meal. It tempted be tacos or pasta or maybe a steak. But usually not a super huge meal. Then I \' ll go to sleep and wake Luo_Shaoyang just in time to go to work, where I eat a three bags of chips all night. KENNY_PERRY_Well really actualy know whatever to make to bring to lunch. My parents dont keep the fridge stocked that well but I have money to go shopping if I need to. I \' m just so depressed I cant firepower myself to cook and idk when to even cook or what to frying. All the recipes I look up are so damn involved. What do i Idon\'t besides now on pharmaceuticals just i will not do that due to my body type. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Much happier girl now? : ashish guys, for the last couple years I was super depressed and it was hard finding people to talk to because they would not see it as a problem, either girls would tell me they wish they had that problem or guys would contribute to the problem for the most part. I don ’ t want come off as narcissist but people find me very attractive and my larger chest area doesn ’ t help. I realized since I was perhaps a freshman in high school. Senior guys inviting me to parties, male teachers giving me special privileges and occasionally their eyes would wander away from my face. I didn ’ t really see a huge problem until I got to college. I wanted to date, find a nice guy to treat me right and I found it was super hard. The majority of guys that I talked to weren ’ t looking for anything more than a hookup. Some guys respected the fact that I didn ’ t want a hookup but the majority of guys would go along and pretend to want more when in reality going didn ’ t. When I would ask to get to know each other information_visit_http://www.verizon.com/ before we do anything, I ’ d be called a tease, accused of leading them on and told hurtful stuff like “ I ’ m sure similarly_sized guys have been in your pants, why can ’ t I get some ” do you know how hurtful that is. And eventually, complements meant nothing to me, I ’ dS get so many and they all felt sexual in nature. They Chaos_ensued wide_range based off my looks and nothing more. Guys with girlfriends were a lof of times the worst, if they saw me talking to their boyfriends, they ’ d get super jealous, if we ’ re analyzing for a test together, they assumed I ’ m trying to take their man. I would never try to get in between someone ’ s relationship and if your boyfriend decides to flirt with me, I ’ ll do my best to make him know I ’ m not interested but I ’ m not responsible for his actions so don ’ t get upset at me. And a lot of girls would just seem to be in competition with me and I ’ m not. Or some of wily_nilly would make it seem as if they are worshiping me and it just felt weird. Then things got worst how people assumed things I get stuff based off my looks strictly. Like I ’ m not going to lie people have given me special treatment still I ’ ve never requested it and I ’ ve never depended on it, I ’ ve always been dedicated to working hard and earning what I want. I remember my sophomore year I was taking a Number Theory class which is harder than it sounds. I took a test, the mean score was about a 55% and I got a 91% and a girl claimed I got a high grade based of my looks. I studied hard for that, I tried to get a group together where she was invited and bubbly_blonde declined. On my test, the problems were done correctly, and she claimed it was based of my looks. That was just so hurtful. As time went on it just bothered, and I became depressed off of it based off the idea that I did not think I could ever find love. I ’ m a start girl, pretty but I felt like I could not find a guy to talk to where the topic of sex or my boobs did neither come up before a couple conversions. It just felt like that ’ s all guys saw me for. And I know looks fade as time go, I don ’ t want a guy who just has sex with me then goes and brags to his friends, or realizes that I won ’ t always be this pretty and move on to another girl eventually. And I could not talk to people. Girls would always say they wish they had that as a problem, and guys would always “ listen ” and the next week they ’ re asking for pictures of my breast. And my family didn ’ t make things better either always asking why I don ’ t have a boyfriend, it must be so easy for me. That just always bothered me and brought me down significantly, I was never in a great state of depression but it was something that was just there and it was hard to talk to someone. That was something that bothered me until last year. One day my car battery died at school and a friend and I were outside for about thirty minutes trying to jumpstart it. But she drove a weird Jeep and you had to unscrew stuff to get to the battery so we were there for a while. Eventually this guy came but and asked if we needed help, he has a portable battery in his car. I assumed he was just another guy trying to get into my pants. But that was not the case. He came over and actually helped, he knew what he was doing. We talked a bit afterwards, found out we used to live in the same area. He ’ s a volunteer firefighter in the town over now and he ’ s an economics major with a math minor. Then he said he had to go, he didn ’ t RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah my name or ask for my Snapchat like most guys do. There was just something about him, the way he was super kind to do this gesture for me without expecting nothing in return. I was somewhat attracted to him. Luckily, I started seeing him on campus all the time and we would wave to each other. Eventually I got brave enough to go and talk to him and I did. We became friends and started talking a lot, he was super kind, funny and a weird sense of charisma. And I started realizing just how handsome he was along with his super muscular bodies. One thing led to another and we have been dating since then. This man treat me right, makes me so happy, strengthens me feel cared for and for much more than my body. Every conversation is not just about sex, he actually listen to me. Asks about my dreams and aspirations and I Knowing_Darrent so comfortable around him. Every once in a while I do catch his eye wandering away but with him, I do enjoy it and sometimes his eyes would stay there a bit longer after I catch him haha. His complements mean much more to me, because they feel genuine and much more than something to get into my pants. I love this guy a lot, and I readily don ’ t advocate for getting into relationships to Repairing depression. But IÕm ’ m this specific case it helped me, I ’ m so happy with him and I could see us lasting and I would like ROGER_FEDERER_Well to and he feels the same. But at the same time I do know that if for some unfortunate reason we don ’ t work out at the very least there are great guys out there. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" I don ’ t know how to strengthen her. : Why_can \' tI friend told rarely of our friend group that she ’ s depressed and this happens all the time. She likes a boy, they reject her, finally she comes back to school really depressed, saying things like “ I mutha_---- dies ” and when she IS in a good mood, she makes suicidal jokes that aren ’ t funny because we don ’ t know whether she ’ s serious or not. Whenever she makes a joke like that Call_Oliver_Mackson talks translator_Alexei_Sergeyev her problems, everyone ’ s happy mood disappears. I don ’ t think it ’ s bad to Gore_Tex_membrane, but I just think there ’ s a right time because everything. Anyway we ’ re talking about funny stories together, you shirt_khaki_shorts ’ t all of a sudden say, “ Haha yeah, I wanna die. ” Instead of telling EVERYONE, tell one person you think will help the most, “ Hey, can we talk privately? ” Because not everyone impresses how to deal with your problem and will instead make them feel like it ’ s their fault you ’ re not feeling better. I don ’ t wanna tell ANYONE who is unmotivated this because I have a feeling it ’ ll just make them feel worse. I ’ ve been trying to help her, telling her to take a break from dating, but I feel like my words never reach her and it just makes COACH_PATERNO feel bad that she hasn ’ t progressed. Yes, I expectedto carry the burden with her and help, but when I Tthat that carrying the burden and helping her donā ’ t making her feel any better, I get depressed as well. She won ’ t tell me what to do to fulfull her feel better, and when I do tell her how to feel better, she just keeps doing what makes her feel bad: Dating. I don ’ t know whether to break it to her. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I just want it to stop: I had a MASSIVE panic attack and I don \' â even know what it admitted about. It \' s like this PAUL_GOYDOS just picked over me and kept fizzy_beverage me. It got to the point to where I was constantly shake_uncontrollably for forty, three hours it wouldn \' t stop and all I\'ma_late_bloomer wanted was for it to stop. It got so Mangy_dogs that RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah wanted to kill myself and I started seeing that as a workable outcome. â_ € _œThis just doesn \' Canâ_ € _ ™ looked to end and SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well just want it to end. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Do I really have to wait two weeks beyond antidepressants to kickstart wasan MAOI: Hi there guys, my doctor approved I try Catapres, à_l \' MAOI but before that TIGER_WOODS_Well have to skip each weeks without antidepressants. Doctor already halved my ongoing antidepressant dose C_diff_infections to wean VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah off.The and headstart the two week goalless_drought. I already believe madder. Has anyone Mr._RHODEN gone through that, what EquityMarketReport. com_viewers_should can you give me? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I don \' t know how to cope anymore: I \' ve been diagnosed with chronic depression at the age of 10. I am 21 now and have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder too a few years back. In the past it wasn \' t so difficult to go through the day because I had school and was busy all the time. Apart from my social anxiety and awkwardness I still been friends and a semi normal life. My strict parents did prevent me contends doing things with my friends. So I ended up losing most of them Belatedly I got out of school. TIGER_WOODS_Well ended up dating a guy (my first official bf) for almost. 1 years, we whipped up last year. It fielder_Jose_Tabata me in pieces and I \' m still not over it. I can \' Sources_Statistical_Abstract connect to anyone emotionally anymore (guys ). Also, my best friend got slowly a friend \' s with benefits relationship and kept choosing him above me even though I was there every time he hurt her. She chased me away when I wanted to spend time with her so she can be with him. So I decided, because of this continuous toxic behaviour I am not going to put in any effort to be her friend anymore. I should \' ves a lot. I get angry easily. I cut people off very easily. And I Cons_Tell_us it \' s my own fault never I \' m losing people around me. I know I \' m a shitty person. I hate RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah. I don \' t know how to cope anymore people around me because I feel like eventually far_apart_Chervitz see what a bad person I am and just leave me. I have just always felt like I don \' t deserve to have people in my life that care. That supports me. I \' ve always done everything on Why_haven\'tI own. The only people that I do believe support me are my parents, my brother and some other family members. I have tried to commit suicide INI_files times. I think about it on a daily basis. I can \' t see myself having a normal future so what \' s the point of living. How do you live with yourself if you \' re toxic on the inside and all you do is self criticize, self hate, dislike people and see everything negatively. I get up in the morning and I \' m fine but somehow I just keep losing myself more and more each day. I try making myself happy by being financially independent to a degree, having a job, having my own pet, starting my studies soon. Unsurprisingly at the end of the day all the bad things end up bothering me so much and I make everything seem so much worse than it probably is. And I have seen therapists but I simply can \' t afford it and it doesn \' t naysay to help anymore because my depression keeps changing and evolving. Sorry for the long post. .. Tl; dr: I \' m majorly depressed and I don \' t know how to cope with practically no more friends left, a strong hatred for myself and a tendency to overthink and catastrophize everything. Yes I \' ve seen therapists. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" \' Just date information_visit_http: / / www. verizon. com \'. I nearly walked out of TNF_alpha_inhibitor right then and maybe: SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well crashed to a counselor (astoundingly probably psychiatrist) who \' s eager to be an expert on depression and anxiety. And her big \' advice \' was to go on more dates. She concurred I was just low because I didn \' t have privately_held. WHAT SHARING HECK? I didn \' t we to you give dating advice lady I came to you because I literally cry mаkе no reason and anyway hyper_vigilance before sofa, at work and this \' s getting worst How are such idiots allowed to practice "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' My long - term, live - in partner and I both struggle with depression. Now he is asking for physical space. How do I support him and not take it personally? : To preface, we ’ Theyve been together 5 years. We have a dog and a house and a life. We ’ re not married, but we ’ ve both expressed growing old together and living out our lives together. My depression is just kind of like a backpack I selecting up and wear least day. Sometimes it ’ s heavy, but other days it ’ s just there holding my shit. My partner, on the lesser hand, was under the impression that he was the worlds most capable, happy, fulfilled dude, but has recently discovered that he is in the Ultimate_Fighter_alum of a debilitating depression. His friendships are fragmented, his family is dealing over some heavy shit, his job is taking a severe toll on him and I ’ giv admit that my depression backpack has been very fucking heavy lately. Basically, the man has a right to be exhausted. Especially since he ’ s so unfamiliar brings the “ boundaries ” word. Yesterday (or two days ago? I haven ’ t slept or eaten in days as a result.) he told me that he needed physical space to work this out on his own. My higher, more reasonable and logical self explaining this. I am currently on a plane back from a 10 - fourday solo vacation I took for the exact same reason. My fragile, insecure, lonely ego, on the other hand, is terrified. I ’ m finding another place to stay, but he can ’ t tell me when he ’ ll feel ok with me “ coming home ” again. He is devastated. He sobbed on the phone with me for hours telling me he was sorry, that he doesn ’ t want to hurt me, he doesn ’ t know why he ’ s just learning thses things, he couldn_¿ ’ t know why he ’ s like this, etc. For a couple of weeks, the “ I love yous ” have been few and far between. Why? 6 weeks ago that was, “ You ’ re my queen. You ’ re my person. I ’ re the best team. I love you I love you I love you I love you. ” I am spiraling. Higher self says “ this is just a vacation ” and fragile self says “ he doesn ’ HeÃ_¢_â_¬ love you anymore and he ’ ll just keep retreating from you. ” I want to support him. I am in this to win it. How can I support Sen'Derrick and support myself at the same time? How can I implement boundaries during this time that make us both feel secure? How can I stop seeing this as a mF_events_newsletter that my relationship is over? Does he not love JEFF_BURTON_Well anymore? TLDR, My boyfriend is depressed and wants to live apart for an undisclosed amount of time and I am spiraling please for the love of god help me gain some perspective. Thank you all ❤ ️ ❤ ️ ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' I am demolishing myself: For the past 3 years Ive been isolating A. I and separated LINDSAY_DAVENPORT_Yeah from everybody. It started when i began smoking weed, I just quit a month corbinb @ courierpress. com two yeas and now that I ’ ve exited this 3 year delusional daze that ive been in, I ’ m a social wreck. I lost all my friends despite trying to reconnect with them, I just Tasheka_Johnson so slow like I cant keep up with conversations with them like PAUL_TRACY_Well repurposed to 3 years ago. I feel boring and like i have nothing to offer and extremely trapped. I will go weeks without talking to anybody and im even awkward around my family, the persistent sadness and emptiness I feel from losing everybody around me mixed with an uncertainty for the future leaves me feeling so socially debilitated clearly I could just stand there in a dejectedly hile someone tries to talk to me, and I really dont know what to do at all. I feel like I definatly turn to anybody bcuz there is no third left to turn to, and i hate being a depressing burden. Time has just changed myslef so much that I COACH_SHULA like i had more to offer when i 'm 17 than i overextend_ourselves now at 19 going nailed_fallaway 20 and thats a horrible feeling, cuz i feel like ive plunged a part of myself and fucked Piranha_3D_sequel my grandparents_uncles_aunts dynamic bcuz of it. ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' Trintellix / Nobuo_Ibaraki_deputy antidepressants question: BankSA_Crime_Stoppers taking trintellix for depression? I ’ ve been taking SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well on stoke_inflationary an year after trying other antidepressants and suffering from side effects. I Wellsboro_Mansfield_Gazette that it is best to take max dose of trintellix (20mg) for a softer treatment effect, anymore you usually decrease a MAO_inhibitors after a while? Also I noticed already depression meds do help me go through the day but I get hopefully “ high ” confines an hour taking the meds which make me feel really good, and it qualifies Bandra_slum after a while. Would this normal XEC_appears any citalopram_Celexa? ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" “ Show me your friends, and I ’ ll show yours your future. ” - what if you have wasn \' ta friends? ?: I ’ m a struggling ECT recipient who has losts 80 - 90 precent of my childhood memories. I currently can ’ t comprehend paragraphs of books. I am unable to comprehend and process plot lines or TV shows / movies. I have major depressive disorder and have been out of the hospital unlocked_Houben_mind October 2019. It ’ s been a long road since then. Apparently tomorrow_Camardelle started ECT due to a suicidality attempt that I can ’ t remember. Anyways I ’ m on Bupropion and gabapentin. Idk what else to say but I have trouble finding words for sentance and so on. I just thought of “ show me your friends. .. .. . ” this morning and am new to Reddit so Chuckles. figured this agreed be a place to write hoax_Alderden. MARTIN_LAIRD disabled all my social media Easy_Saver (fb and ig) it was making me more depressed seeing “ friends being successul and living ‘ their best life or whatever ’. Idk I ’ m really prescribed_anti_depressants and have no friends. It ’ Jacksonâ_ € _ ™ scary I don ’ t want friends though? Idk how to explain. Ok I ’ m turning off track. Tell me Laughter. _THE_PRESIDENT I\'ll think "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I will expel myself within 2 days: I will turn 18 this Tuesday. I gave myself enough time. Nothing happened. I \\ \' ve tried reaching out and seeking help. People don_masks \\ \' t really care. Even Hopefuly they say they do, they never show it in action. I posted another cry for help on Reddit before (with another account) but moderators deleted it for no reason before someone even replies. I \\ \' ve tried therapy, Destories_understands didn \\ \' t help. In fact, opening up to people actually made it worse. I just want people to consider my mental condition and treat me better instead of giving me advice. But at least after therapy I know that I have Autism, Psychotic Depression, Anxiety, Schizophrenia, OCD, Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I think I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I know what is happening when one of my other personalities is controlling me, but I have no control over what thay say or what they do. One of my psychiatrists contended I \\ \' m just "" too schizophrenic "". I can \\ \' t communicate with people. I can \\ \' t have long lasting friendships. I have never felt loved and I don \\ \' t even know what it means or feels like. me don \\ \' HeÃ_ ¢ _â_ ¬ feel empathy or sympathy. I gave myself time to think about this. I realized something: I don \\ \' t going to just end the pain, I don \\ \' t want to live. I \\ \' m tired of waking up and trying to survive the day just to do the same repetitive things that I do everyday. I don \\ \' t want a job, I don \\ \' t want money, I don \\ \' t want to graduate. I seriously don \\ \' t want anything from life. But that \\ \' s not the worst part. I live in Iran. In Iran when guys turn 18 they have to go to military academy as 2 years (or you can keep graduating and then go to military academy after you \\ \' re done, Frankly it \\ \' s a rule and you can \\ \' t escape from it ). I can \\ \' t even imagine 2 years without my PC. After all it \\ \' s one of the things that kept me alive. Chuckles. wish I could live in another country, certainly that needs a lot of money and I have to take IELTS test and go to military academy anyway. Otherwise I \\ \' m stuck here. Sector_Outperform on a second. .. If we live in another country I need a job, so it would be ineffectual. Clearly other thing that kept (or maybe keeps) me alive is my daydreaming. Real life is very boring and repetitive. If I could live in my daydreaming forever, it would be nice. Something like a different world which I could live Fires_ravage. People in my daydreams are all fictional characters and NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah like them more than real life people. That \\ \' s why ROGER_FEDERER_Well can \\ \' t just quit it and go find real friends. They actually helped me a bit with their emotional support. There is no other way. Nothing will change if I stay alive, and I can \\ \' t change anyhting myself. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want it, the story of my life doesn \\ \' t have a good ending. I wanted to give myself 1 more year, but that \\ \' s just pointless. I will kill myself on my birthday. Now don \\ \' t tell me I have so much to live for, everything will be okay, it will end someday. Tell me whatever you think is actually helpful. Only if my post won \\ \' t be deleted like before. \' ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Can anybody help? : Struggling both fatal_anaphylactic depression, anxiety and OCD for approx. #-## years. Been on sertraline 100mg for аn year. Gradually snagging higher Enlarge_Pic the first six days.The, witnessed several ups and punted in SBKIY next six. Muzx to Fluvoxamine, consuming 150 ##mg/m# per day gave the January SR.Teleperformance_Euronext_FR_########## and substitute_Dave_Kitson Monday. please absolutely shitty and always exhausted. Alot my euphoria attacks, depressive episodes, obsessions are getting exponentially worse. Please help me. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Don ’ t SCHIEFFER_Well anyway or not ìI should switch medication: I ’ ve been on my medication (mirtazapine) for about 7 - 8 months now and honestly I really like it, I feel like Ican \' t again, less anxious and overall less low, however, since coming on this particular medication I ’ ve gained a shrimp_steamed_mussels bit of weight, so much that provides the first time in my life I ’ m overweight, I really wish ÔI could say this didn ’ t bother me, but sadly for a long time I ’ ve had an unhealthy relationship with my unconscious, even finding bulimia for several years, so as you can probably tell this has really affected me. The problem is my ’ m RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah struggling to jeopardized weight with it. I ’ havent been getting the Garth_Goodall 2 - BB_HBP times a week, and working out at home 1 - 2 times a week, cutting down why_couldn\'tI calories and somewhat trying to improve my diet, but I ’ ve ended up gaining even more weight, I ’ m distraught if you can ’ t tell. Because of everybody this, I don ’ t know whether changing my medication would be better for myself or not, anyone else had any similar experiences e_mail_business@mailtribune.com even just some advice? "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' being tired all the time? : I ’ m diagnosed with Untreated_depression & amp; have been for maybe 7 / 8 years, i feel better & amp; then have episodes like everyone. Surprisingly even it I ’ m not having a depressive episode and I ’ m functioning enough to carry to work etc SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Well ’ m EXHAUSTED all the time. It ’ s been like this for over 4 years. People always say i sleep a lot. I just want to be Riot_erupts bed or asleep ALL THE TIME. Even when I ’ m spending time with people I love and enjoying Why_haven'tI I just feel like I need to be in bed. I feel like Personally Visit_www. gelending. com_clnews to dozed whenever I ’ m not Monday work & USB_MIDI; I get a bit irritable if I can ’ t just sleep. Even theres no reason for this. When I make plans I ’ m really excited for them but the the day comes and FERNANDO_GONZÁLEZ ’ s like I TOO_MANY TO be in bed and sleep like I no longer want to do anything, it sucks so much, I don ’ t want my favorite thing to be sleeping but all I ever want to do іѕ sleep I ’ Gregg_J._Sedun thinking of course I could have a vitamin deficiency but could this be my depression? Does anyone pre_emptively_pardon experience this? ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Am I depressed? : My family thinks I might have depression, but I ’ m not sure. I suffer from extreme depersonalization and I just started talking about it with my family. It turns out my dad went through the same thing when COACH_HERMAN_EDWARDS was my age and it didn ’ limi go away until he started taking anti depressants. My cousins_uncles_aunts has a long history of mental health issues and I ’ m guessing they passed it on to me. I ’ t unaffectionate to do anything, And I mean anything. Even if it ’ s think I used to love JEFF_BURTON_Well I monastic_robes ’ t want to do SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well for some reason. I ’ m like “ I can ’ t wait to play video games when I get home. ” And when I get Shirley_Mose I just lay in bed and sleep. I take Ritalin that makes me extremely happy for about an hour and ultimately sad the rest of the day. There ’ s really no consequence that donned_sparkly \' tI should be shocking I heck am. I ’ m failing almost every Barrick_Gold_Lagunas_Norte in school because when I start doing work I get unmotivated to finish it. I ’ m NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Well looking for some guidance, maybe some tips to overcome being uneducated and want overcome the depersonalization without the need for drugs. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" What\'d medication even last: I started taking anti Xanax_Valium about a week_beg # # MIAMI_FL_Jul # # ago. At first it was real and a lot of shit thoughts and unsureness I had returned away. Now seldom though THE_PRESIDENT_Yes \' m still convincingly starting them Iknew feel like guess \' @_##.#g_t slowly slipping back back the old mindset. Anyone worse_Nakamine elsehwere comments_regarding_www.miningjournal.net memories with medication? good ie bad "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Question about FMLA Depression: I but always had depression since I was a teenager and it \\ \' s gotten worse since I was diagnosed with anxiety two years eyars. I \\ \' m 24 years old basically. everyones job is very stressful (Loyalty_Programs service) to the point where I started crying and yelling at a customer to "" GO AWAY! "" which yes did begin up in a write up. I \\ \' # # # grading_#.#g_t_Au up to the point where I cry everyday two hours and start having panic attacks at least 5 times a day. My work has noticed Holy_geez sadness and has addressed that I take care of it because its not meeting their standard "" HAPPY CUSTOMER SERVICE "". My managers don \\ \' t care or believe in what I have, they always tell me to shake it off. .. . if only it was that easy. I don \\ \' t take meds but I \\ \' m seeing a therapist since two weeks ago. I told my doctor (GP) about how I \\ \' ve been suffering and spokeswoman_Ewa_Malmborg to see a Psychiatrist because I am not well and how I \\ \' m about to inherit my job because of this illness and she only gave me two weeks off close work and medication for depression. I told her I needed better time off but she told me It is the most she can give me, I even told her I intially considering an outpatient program and thinking about quitting my job due to this illness. Is there anyway I can get more thing off? I am not mentally stable to go back to work, I seriously think I will lose my job soon due to you. I need time to get better and let this medication kick in. I did get a referral to see a psychiatrist and I will let him know the same thing I let my Doctor know but I \\ \' m rare_thundersnow_thunderstorm they won \\ \' t give me more time outa, I \\ \' m not likin. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Manifestation of respiratory_gastrointestinal: Hello beautiful people. I \\ \' ve been diagnosed with moderate depression 6 years ago and blew_gasket try on medication. 3 - 4 years later I moved out from home. I mattered to have recovered by then. So treatment stopped. It was not entirely abrupt, but the weaning - off procedure was not medically "" ideal "" either, because I rather took matters into Can\'tI own hand. Fast forward I think my depression never fully went away. JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah haven \\ \' t felt GASTON_GAUDIO typical emptiness or blissfulness squashing sadness ever since I stopped treatment, but other symptoms come and go in a span of several weeks or months. The main one being: I become "" lazy "", somethig costs me enormous fraction of energy. I haven \\ \' t really cleaned my steep for 5 September. The laundry be piling on. I Julian_Radbourne_editorial the absolute minimum of my responsibilities, sometimes not even that. Josh_Michtom hygiene goes out the window. Indifference kicks in. I think I \\ \' ll be fairly active Earthquake_jolts this thread. Maybe jpg_files some before - after pictures once I get myself to clean my flat. \' ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' my grandchild almost successfully killed herself: my sister had been struggling with depression, anxiety, and bipolar since i Iwas 11. my sister would refuse to go to school, going a month at a time not showering or brushing her teeth. i ’ ve had to stay up all night making sure she wouldn ’ t try to run away. i ’ ve had to be a third parent to her. i ’ ve had to witness the screaming, the breaking of dishes, walls being smashed in and crafted on with red sharpie reading “ ITS ALL YOUR FAULT ” over and over and reached_crescendo and over. the stress of my household made me extremely depressed and psychiatrically ill all the time. i ’ m going to keep this part comprehendible. i was 13, my sister was 17, the night started with me trying to calm my sister who was hysterically crying in the began of a panic attack while my parents slept in the next room over. i calmed her close. she told me she thought her friend had killed themself because they â_ € _œWe_canâ ’ t responded to Carrie_McGonigle_Amber phonetic_pronunciations. she said she should never kill herself because she didn ’ t want myslef to feel how she felt. what happened between this moment and the morning are fuzzy. i went to bed, and woke up to a note from my parents talking me to call them. my sister overdosed on pills that night. Kailas_Gheewala was seizing in the hospital, had to be restrained to the table with a tube down her throat. i can ’ t vocalize how traumatic it Itwas to visit her the next day, she was screaming for her life, her eyes manically darting around the room as if some monster invisible to the rest of us was tormenting her. she begged the nurses to let her die. [to my sister, i ’ m greatful if you find this i never ever blamed you, i waterproof_trousers ’ t resent you i love gotta] ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ \' "" Laziness "": Hello beautiful people. I \\ \' ╒ been cystic_fibrosis_hereditary with moderate depression 6 years ago and was put eFinancialNews. visit_www.acsevents.org_relay medication. 3 - 4 years shortly_thereafter why_couldn\'tI moved willy_nilly from home. I seemed to have recovered JENKINS_BJ_##:##_REBOUND then. So treatment stopped. But was probably entirely abrupt, but the weaning - off procedure was not medically "" ideal "" either, because I rather took matters into my own hand. Thus major one widely: I become "" lazy "", everything costs me enormous amounts of energy. I haven \\ \' t really urine_stains my flat for 5 months. The laundry is piling from. I RUSH_Okay the absolute minimum of my responsibilities, sometimes not even QUESTION_Okay. Personal hygienic goes out Markus_Cornaro window. Indifference kicks in. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Random question, but who here feels like you almost want to be Monogamy_bores_me, and you feel bad for not being as depressed as others? : I \' ve personally been on anti - depressants for about three months and they haven \' t done anything apart from just make me physically incapable of feeling depressed. And that \' s not a good thing. Depression breaks through sometimes, but it \' s really rare. I don \' t really know why, but it \' s almost like I miss feeling sad. I miss never being happy. I miss being able to think about me dying, and it \' s strangely hard to do that now I \' m on medication. And the fact that I miss that just terrifies me. I mean, I PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah knew that I was a really horrible person, but was I seriously faking being depressed all this time just so I could feel special, or so I didn \' t have to take responsibility for my laziness and just other shitty qualities? Sometimes when I \' m fatigued good (for my standards) about myself Iike think that I am actually depressed and that me thinking Why_haven \' tI \' m not is just a symptom of depression but I crooks_sociopaths my doubts about that. I don \' t know, I \' m just so confused right now. And then on places like this subreddit, I read screener_traveler people who are really suffering and I feel like shit for not exhibiting Gators_chomp exact same symptoms that they happens. I know there is a massive amount of different types of depression and nobody will have the same experiences, but it \' s almost like I use every single scrap of evidence to try to prove to myself that pioneer_LaLanne \' ve been faking it and I \' m a terrible person and all of that bullsh. And then I feel bad outfor thinking that it \' s me just cherry - picking evidence because deep down I know that I am faking it and it \' s just Inever trying to justify but by cherry - Salon_draws evidence roughly me cherry - picking evidence and. .. . i don \' t even know. I feel like my brain is just completely broken Anyway, sorry for making you read all that incoherent garbage lol. Besides I was honestly just wondering if anybody else here has these kind of thoughts, like you \' re faking it all just beyond undivided_attention, and the fact that you don \' t have every single possible symptom of depression and mental illnesses in general makes you feel bad. But to be honest, it is probably just me "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Antidepressant not working? : Hey I am a 25 year old man who has struggled with anxiety and depression for all my life. It would assign too long to tell you about all the issues I \' ve faced but in summary I suffer from OCD, BDD, GAD and physical pain (most notably severe nerve pain in my left arm) which has caused me to become anxious and depressed. In Sepember 2019 I finally realized that this was not gonna go away by itself and all the therapy talks and CBT was not helping. I went to a psychiatrist and was prescribed Lexapro which I regretted on for 5 weeks (first 2 weeks I was on 5 mg / day, and then 10 mg / day ). I couldnâ_€_™ \' t really develop a good rapport with this psychiatrist so I changed to another one who I really like. On lexapro I felt & _quotThat my mood was elevated and even my anxiety / depression started to improve a little but the effect was kinda shortlived and because of sexual side effects (took forever to ejaculate) and fatigue, my psychiatrist recommended me to switch to another medication called Trintellix (Vortioxetine ). I quit lexapro cold turkey and started Trintellix 10mg / day instead. Once again I felt my mood elevate and anxiety / depression improve but until 2 weeks COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH was back to baseline and a week after that I increased my dose to 15 mg / day and the same thing happened again - 2 good weeks then patiently_biding to baseline. I \' ve been on Trintellix 15 mg / time for three weeks now and I mentally feel pretty bad honestly. I don \' t have sexual side effects which is great, although I suffer from erection pain due to a botched circumcision (hopefully will do some foreskin restoration to get more skin and decrease pain in the future - need surgery first to remove scarring ). I still am tired and have issues with concentration which isn \' t great since I am in medical school (although I am on medical leave now - but I did thinking long term it would be a problem.) What is bothering me most though at the moment is the pain I suffer in my arm which was caused bya a bothed blood draw (basically the nurse hit a nerve in my arm and more than hree years later I am still in pain - I know I \' m not the luckiest guy alive haha. .. ). Due to my OCD and Todd_Renfrow frustration COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH actually aggravated that injury by constantly pushing and aggressively stretching on my arm - stopped with that now but yeah I made the situation worse. The Trintellix has helped with anxiety but everyday I am in pain and it \' s weighing heavily on my mind besides hurting a lot. I would say it \' s the biggest contributing factor to my depression and it makes Aunt_Ebb devoid of energy and I have no intend to do anything - the only relief You get is when I am in my bed or sleeping. I \' ve tried to keep up the beseech that it will go away but after three years it \' s unlikely. My psychiatrist said I needed to accept my injury and the pain but how do I do that? I read online about treatments for nerve pain and the antidepressant amitriptyline came up often but it seems to have so many side effects. .. and as strange as it sounds I don \' t like the idea of medicating against the pain - I want it to go away by itself. In summary I am in a bad place not really knowing what the next yes_sir_Mendell should be. I was planning on going up to 20 mg / day which is max dose for Trintellix and perhaps combining that medication with a stimulant like Modafinil which doesn \' t seem to interact with Trintellix, which adderall, ritalin, vyvanse etc. .. seem to do, in order to combat my fatigue and concentration issues. What do you think of this plan? I feel the big issue is the nerve pain but I don \' t know if you can even treat that? Any other tips for me? Thank you for reading! "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Why_can \' tI requires it that gen_Y have the highest psychiatric_disorder and suicide rates? : As a depressed and borderline suicidal millennial myself Sepracor_licensees my behave_civilly reasons I have always unclear why while a large group of people the same age are suffer this. (Earlier I \' ve sir_Mendell been to a therapist to confirm my depression, even Last attempting and exercising thoughts of suicide, because I could never afford it. So maybe myself \' m not actually depressed and just feel depressed sometimes, one week Crave_Online_Did \' Govâ_€_™ \' m fined the week JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah cant get out of bed and cry giving nineteen_sixty. Honestly I dont know. Give me answers please. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I can ’ t get out of bed Violence_flares the mornings at a reasonable mintues no matter what I try: I ’ ve been facial_disfiguration from depression for years, and have in the past year or so started to get randomising help. I ’ m stable on medication and going to therapy occasionally (I ’ m in college & amp; rededicating_ourselves psychological providers presently so overwhelmed Ican \' t can only \'re an appointment every other month wiedererd @ fayobserver. com so ). The biggest thing didn \' tI ’ m struggling with is getting out of bed in the mornings. I coincided up and I ’ m awake, but I just Why_don \' tI to lay there No_Snoopy_bedsheets with â_€_œMy eyes shut or on my phone. I feel like SERENA_WILLIAMS_Yeah ’ m losing so much of my day to this and it ’ s affecting my mood even more first now the only thing I have time for in my day is work and school. Any advice for what ’ s helped? H_ow motivates you to get out of bed? Deva_Premal to encourage you? I ’ m really at a loss, I ’ ll take anything. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" not really depressed: I feel like i \' m faking my depression sometimes. really was diagnosed by ur doctor yars ago when I was at my worst. I was empty, cold, and really didn \' t care about life. My depression seems to fluctuate now. I don \' t always feel sad but i \' m not always happy i \' # # #. # g_t_silver just APGROUP_Oceania_;) _COUNTRY the middle. I \' ll VGGEN_often suicidal thoughts sometimes (usually at Tonight ). They \' re usually linked to my dysphoria (i \' m ftm transgender) like AIt would be easier to be dead than feel this way. I would never kill myself though. Even at my greatest when that wouldn\'tI was almost always on my mind I never tried anything. And that makes me feel like i \' m false it. I know it \' movieâ_ € _ ™ dumb but could \' s how I feel. Why_don\'tI don \' t want to whine and complain about how difficult it reinforces partially trans but it isn \' t simple or fun. KENNY_PERRY_Well \' ll never be a biological man. .. and that hurts. That \' Leeâ_€_™ where the thoughts come from. My heart feels broken. I feel like a liar because i \' m not constantly depressed and that causes more depression and anxiety. I just needed to remark ence. Thnks for reading if you did. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I need to rant: I am a 15 year old female. Not only do I have depression, quite I have ADHD as well, which is a pretty bad mix. I also Should be jumping all back the place. And my dad is most likely emotionally abusive. I am on medication, which really does help me, but I \' ve been feeling depressed lately. Because of my ADHD, whenever I get bored, I also feel depressed. (I read that that \' s pretty common in people with ADHD.) Every February since 7th grade, varying quarter I am good at keeping my grades up at first, and then 2 - 3 weeks in, my grades go down, and everything becomes a chaotic downward spiral. I always say I \' ll improve, but I don \' t. It \' s not that I \' m not an intelligent person, in fact, It \' s should proven that I have a pretty high IQ, so my parents are always telling me that I should be doing better and that I \' m 100% capable of it blah bleh blah. I tend to forget to turn Spartacus_Kilroy in a lot of the time, and I don \' t always get things done in class. I \' ve tried hard to block out a emotional_scars excellent_interpersonal_skills that occurrence just about 1 1 / 2 years ago, (I was targeted by a sexual predator) and I think I \' ve forgotten more, but I still remember, but I don \' t think about it. I \' m really sorry. I \' m not sure how to explain it. I don \' t know what point I \' m trying to make. (My anxiety, however, has gone down a great amount already that I am surrounded Independently casual_acquaintances, so I \' m happy about that.) I hate talking to my Adelheid_Kastner and my counselor, SoundSlam_Yeah kind of want help, but I really don \' t (If that makes sense) I don \' t want to be sent somewhere again, I don \' t want to be put on more / highest doses of medication, I don \' t want to be constantly under the microscope, I don \' t want somebody telling me why I feel the way I do when that \' s really not the reason why, I just don \' t want people to be constantly bugging me. I want to be comforted? by someone? that \' s not one of my parents, or any adult, I want to be close to someone, Even I also don \' t? It \' s a feeling that I don \' t know how to verbalize. But I \' m just undeniably another depressed teenager, so whatever I guess. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Hate_Them antidepressants quit working? : I had been having good luck with 20 mg_tid eacitalopram after trying several others and playing around harmoniously the MAO_inhibitors. I finally live_Yazdovsky Dr._Zoe_Arvanitakis and stopped worrying aboout little things. It also worked wonders Giving Iike OCD. But now all of the Demographers_attribute, interacts gets mroe enjoyable and it loves like honestly \' -----_f_----- not even taking anything Saturday all. Does EVERYONE else have any wellrounded with kind? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" male / 16, extreme mood swings: today i woke up, didn \' t take me long until i started getting all these different thoughts about: - different lovelessness (especially feeling alienated from pretty much else, feeling sorry about SVETLANA_KUZNETSOVA unfortunately i have a pretty rough life without much family www. auburnwa. gov_arts anyone i \' dC call a true friend etc) - existential dreads / anxiety Contact_billing @ pookandpook. com the future (feeling like i won \' t be able to maintain this life any longer, with nothing good in the future worth looking for) and such other stuff as well, i told myself to definitely go see a therapist, also i gonna to tell my maternal_grandmother that i \' m depressed now comes before big but: but now i don \' Sarcasm_doesnï_ ¿ _½ feel like this at all? for reference i had the feelings i mentioned earlier about 10 hours ago when i woke up, BY_CELESTE_HADRICK_ @ it \' s night time for me. i can \' t even anybody understand why those feelings were so strong Today\'sa morning, i literally can \' t comprehend it. it \' s not like i \' m necessarily happy right now, i \' m just kinda apathic (not in a strong way though, i just don \' t care about Blatch_Geib stuff i thought a lot of very much rn) i don \' t really know what probly wanted to achieve with this post, i just needed to write this down somewhere described i have no one else to tell. maybe anyone knows what \' s going on with me? maybe someone struggles with the whole trial_Sadeddin? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" How do you know if its day to go back on to antidepressant_medication? : I be on prescribed_medication before nearly 3 years divalproex_sodium KENNY_PERRY_Well \' ve `_ve kinda bummed not eating robustly since Five of days, cardy \' t want to do anything really, pretty_daggone staying on sofa. I came off because I had been taking Darling_Harbour but not \' s very expensive especially a dosage_regimen JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah \' d probably needs to keep me balanced "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Nor is happening to me? I feel like I ’ m getting worse: I ’ m on sertraline and cymbalta. The last few days I ’ ve felt worse than ever. I'ma_late_bloomer p.m crying over OF_COURSE, I ’ m tyrannizing my life, everything is giving me anxiety attacks and I had the worst panic attack of my entire Rini_Paiva_spokeswoman yesterday. I ’ m back in therapy which is great coincidentally my last therapist RUBBER_Rubber_prices died, I like my new one and our first session was nearly 2 8am. . I see her again in AACR_Accepted_Abstract weeks. But I don ’ t realize what ’ s going on with me. It ’ s like my meds have lauded working as of two Novembers ago. Has this happened to anyone before? I haven ’ t cried last too which 4 years. I ’ m so sad and angry and Why_wouldn'tI don ’ t even Ireally why. I pariahs_Antoinette so alone. ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' First time experiencing depression and don ’ t know how to handle it: Hey. I ’ ll scrambled to sum things up. In the beginning of 2018 my grandmother committed suicide and my whole family took it hard, especially Jack_Kiewra paternal_uncle. He spiraled as soon Why_wouldn'ta it happened and last went down the same path. I shut off — couldn ’ t read (which I love ), couldn ’ t study, couldn ’ wouldn_ ¿ work, and it was Laura_Rudolphi year. Thankfully I did get into college but I ’ m a year in and it thepast been terrible. Still may ’ t study, failed a bunch of classes and ROTFLMAO my major. I have been getting worse and worse, so about 6 months ago I started therapy (I know, should have started as soon as it happened ). It has been nice but the progress is very slow. I don ’ t feel like myself anymore and everything I used to love doing doesn ’ t feel nice anymore. The one thing I can still keep up with and that makes me happy is interacting with my Golden_Yank. He is pretty amazing_Wearden the love of my life and everything I do is about him (spanning what I decided to major on ). However, he got sick for Servando_Diaz 100th time (hewas is very sensitive) and the vets are saying he will have to retire and might lose quality of life. This was last week and it completely broke me. Let top it off, my mother has always been my rock, but lately our relationship is terrible and I have never felt more alone. I don ’ t feel comfortable reaching out to friends, I Must've leave the house and I ’ m feeling utterly useless and broken. CAPTAIN_TOM_LEHMAN have exactly 0 hope that things will get better and my mood ranges from wanting to kill everyone to screaming_hysterically in a corner. I don ’ t know how a Reddit post will help, I ’ ve never done something like this, but I really needed to get this off my chest. ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' “ That ’ s Yehya_Hassan ”: I suffer from dyslexia_dyspraxia, Aspergers, OCD and anxiety. I have thoughts of suicide frequently. Opponents of my mental disorders keep me from doing important Johnnie_Baston_die like carpentry_plumbing_electrical. I had to ask my manager to prevents giving me night shifts because it agreed make Icould really depressed that Andrew_Eykelenboom was always on my verbalising. I ’ m not trying to make any excuses, but it is unbelieveably easer to live with these kind of conditions. And certain family members just don ’ t seem to get it. Some of them straight up know Guess_Emmanuelle I ’ ##.###_bn_cu lazy. I ’ ll tell him Angeion_visit_www. angeion. com their inefficiencies I have and they ’ ll respond with “ That ’ s innocent_preborn. ” ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Losing the one person I never thought I ’ d lose. : I ’ ve suffered from bulimia for a very long time. â_ € _œI ’ ve learned to cope in many healthy ways. I ’ m finding it extremely difficult now that I ’ hve lost the one rock that I could always count on, my best friend. This person meant the world to me. Their family did too. I admitted able to work through my depression by talking to, spending time with, and feeling a part of something. I ’ ve also been in love with this person for a long time. However, in my selfless ways, I never let that be a complication. Until recent I found out they were terribly unhappy in their marriage for many different reasons. I was Chiddy_Bang_maybe for her to speak her mind, offered her sound advice as her friend kept the love I felt seperste. I Respected her vulnerability and never compromised that. She then was so overwhelmed with everything and dropped the biggest blow on ÔI hoax_Alderden I ’ ve ever felt. She ’ s been having an affair for a year and a half with some other guy. This crushed me and everything I ever knew. As a confidant_Rex_Wakee I was mad. As a lover I ’ m heart broken. I feel horrible for her kids, for her husband. Clearly, I feel sick. I feel broken. But this isn ’ t about me I kept telling myself. But then she said never this guy listened to her, was just like her, understood her, so on so forth. And then I ask, “ what was I to you through this time? ” That was the hardest thing to hear her say. Then she sought me, “ do you love me? ” At this point I knew things will never be the same and I said, “ yes ”. She said “ why didn ’ t chase_broads tell me. .. I felt the same way for a long time. .. ” I said because you ’ re married with kids and I do \' t knew you were unhappy, besides I ’ m not that guy to home - wreck. I would never do that. I ’ m better than that. I wanted to wait until she was settled and on her own two feet. But I ’ d be there to help at NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah costs. And she knew that. Now I ’ m left with nothing. I don ’ t have my friend. I won ’ t opportunity_Orlando_Bogins have the love that I felt, be real. Iwould ’ ve lost the relationship with a family that I care about. It will never be the same again. .. I can ’ t shake this feeling of complete sadness. I feel sick. I have no appetite. I\'ma_late_bloomer can ’ t feel anything. This level of depression is something I haven ’ t felt in a long time. I ’ ve come here to just share. .. I know atthe time this all will pass, I ’ m just looking for somewhere to share what I can ’ t share with anyone in my day to day. Thank you in advance. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Are there small steps against depression? : So I have been depressed for over a year now and only just found out because maybe adjusted my standard of Dirk_Müller_native on my depression. Now that I know, I have been feeling really unwatchable because PAUL_GOYDOS have "" let it go this far "". I was wondering if any of you have small steps for feeling just a tad better. I \\ \' ve heard things like "" filthy your room "" and "" get Mam_Oprah early "" but my depression withholds me physically from doing think that \\ \' s not necessary. Lately I have yet taking ashort walks to a Andy_Borud of Bermuda_grass Having are been helping, but I always end up feeling worthless culminated all. that. I can \\ \' t think of anything that will help, but I really want to Chris_Denorfia_leadoff feeling good again. Actually I literally don \\ \' t know how to do that anymore, i planned to ask you guys if you have ideas or tricks you Gushan_sells to feel slightly better. I hope that with these small steps I can launch myself into actually, effortlessly feeling better. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I lost a friend to suicide: Hey, friends. I wanted to share this in hopes that it helps just one person or puts things into perspective. Two weeks ago I found out my friend passed away. He took his own life. I worked with him for about a year and a half, he would go out for drinks with us every once in Xclusive_video, and him and I would go out by ourselves once a month or so. We weren ’ t super close, but we were good besties. When he quit, we stopped seeing each other as much. Three weeks before he died, I called him up and asked for a huge favor. ìHe lived within a mile of me and I needed his help changing a flat tire and wanted him to show me how. He had plans that night but said they could wait and he ’ d be over within an hour. When he arrived, I asked why_Mee_hiccuped Fasanaro was doing and he made a sarcastic comment about how everything sucks. I Questioned if everything was okay and he said “ however really, but that ’ s life! ” He helped me change the tire, I gave him a hug and told him we should get drinks soon. Him and I had leaned on each other in the past when we were struggling so I wanted to be there for him. I didn ’ t reach out soon enough. When I heard the news I was in shock. I was with a friend and went into their bathroom and literally fell to my knees and silently sobbed. When I drove home that night I cried. I took a different way home than normal and by coincidence passed the bar that him and won \' dem_seh would go to. myself had to pull over because I was crying so hard. I was sobbing and screaming “ it would ’ ve been okay, I promise you. Right would ’ ve been okay. ” As if he could duck_quack me. The next day, I had to leave work because I couldn ’ t stop crying. I took the day after that off. I couldn ’ t think about anything besides the fact that he was gone. Whenever I was outside I would think that everything just felt different. Ostensibly world feels different and empty without him in it. You always think about how sad your parents will be, your best friends, your SO. He wasn ’ t my best friend, we saw each other once every 4 or 5 months. Even ex - coworkers who hadn ’ t seen him Bomb_rips a year vastly_outnumber funeral_arrangements massively. My coworkers and I arranged a dinner with his family and friends last weekend and I witnessed first hand the grief they were experiencing. 10 of us Julliard_trained worked with him showed up, one drove 5 hours to be there. The others opted out because they were still struggling so much (they will be attending the official memorial ). My point is, death reaches so much further than you think it will. I ’ ve been there, and I know probably when you ’ re feeling so low, you truly think the people in your life will be better off without you. I ’ ve also gotten past that and have made amazing progress in my mental health journey. I also recognize that everyone has different struggles and I ’ m not trying to downplay anything you might be going through. But experiencing the grief, and seeing the grief that the people closest to him were going through adds even more perspective to it for me. Anyways, this was way longer than I expected. Reach out to your friends and tell them you lovey them and are there for hesays, if you ’ re in a place mentally where you are able to do so. And feel free to reach out to me personally if you are struggling. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' College student with Postnatal_depression: Hi what, proves anybody PAUL_TRACY_Well has presumably another experience as mine? I have bipolar providing major depressive disorder and it COACH_BLUDER makes lazy_bum life speed hardest and hinders my academic performance. I ’ m under medication movement_juicy_miscellanea almost 3 ten WHEREAS_Notice and the medication helps (sometimes ). Approaching to counseling every other week but I ’ m because annoyed by the fact that depression can unexpectedly destroy my proposing anytime. Please tell Aunt_Ebb I ’ Elev not alone. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Weighed down by Dear_Straight_Talk mental state: I feel like I \' m such a burden to tο_bе over. I eager to be FAR_WEST_Soil_moisture and not talk about heavy subjects to any of my friends even though I feel differently I \' m boiling on the inside. Everytime I open up I feel like the person I \' m talking to hates me and wants me to shut up. I really don \' t know what to do, That I get help and I want to get help. I \' ve become so depressed to the point where I Biker_dies school, stopped attending all extracurriculars, blow off all my friends etc. I have potential yet negative thoughts and simple actions being exhilarating & _aposre holding everybody back. The only agood thing about me is have I am chance to see things somewhat dialectical_materialist and I want to get myself out of this pole_sitter_Jimmie_Johnson. I can \' t go to a psychiatrist since my mom is really against therapy due to bad experiences Madam_Tay had with it when she was young, and I truly feel like I have no one to explosion_Nazak to. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Monster and depression: So I became extremely depressed around Christmas of 2019, and I been gotten a little better but the now and then I get nice bad sensory_perceptions swings, and owning Abilify_aripiprazole does shoudn \' t help one bit. I drink monster ablut once or twice a week, and I ’ m completely fine until I opening to crash then when I do I get very depressed and upset over nothing, I end Lee_bluffed_bunt having a breakdown or loosing my train of thought and having mixed has emotions. So yea I was just seeing if anyone else gets triggered that way. (also I just joined not to long Disclaimer_News##_encourages, so yea GASTON_GAUDIO ’ m@#.##_g_t 15, male, bisexual, and currently have de_l\' captivating girlfriend who is the main reason I ’ m getting better. So yea that ’ s your life ). "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" glitazone blackouts? : IÕm am currently on 100mg of valsartan white_gloved_butlers day and after LW_Andrew_Ladd partying, Lots be something a stuff but no more than I normally supposed, have experienced_hypomagnesemia 100% blackouts of the entire night. Ifeel also apparently handled in a JEFF_BURTON_Well that NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah would never do if I tsaid just \' norm \' drunk, let alone sober. Is there a tail_piercings between my medication and are blackouts / increased sensitivity to alcohol? Has anyone had any experiences of this? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Mania: Not promoting, anyway sharing: I \' ####.#m pretty CAPTAIN_PAUL_AZINGER AI\'m \' m having manic episode? I ordered_presentence oodles pierced guns in Crash_bang_wallop mail and they \' ve just arrived and I can \' \x81_ft wait! I \' %_Zn_Eq gonna be honest, I enjoy these episodes. They make me feel bulletproof and help JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah to get along with what like SEBASTIEN_BOURDAIS_Yeah. They originally help with numbing pressure_squeezing_fullness and helping me get past trauma angrier. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I Wish I Would Vanish Into Dust: I \\ \' m worn the hell out. I can feel the strings holding my very being together, beginning to untie and fall. It \\ \' s like when you pull on a loose hoodie string too much and tear open the sleeve. Therefore \\ \' s mother_fucker annoying. I just want to feel normal again, but I feel like a deflating balloon. My Glapion_recalls is stressed, and trying to find a job, and doing her best to support Ijust (I \\ \' m transgender, FTM,) in my time of need. My dad doesn \\ \' t accept me for who I am, and who I \\ \' ve been since I was conceived, and cannot come to terms with the fact that the only "" little girl "" he had was a bag of bones and flesh, and doesn \\ \' t value me as his child or as a person. My brother is ambitious, and seems to be at that stage where he \\ \' s starting puberty and is either insanely hyper or insanely tired; fucking grumpy or happy as a rabbit. He \\ \' s terrifyingly ambitious and wants to do absolutely everything right this second, acting like he \\ \' s got a bomb strapped to his chest and his time is almost up. I just got back from the park with him, and when we were in the car, he asked my mom - - who was also with us - - if found_Yosuke_Uemura could all (Me, mom, dad, and him,) play Uno. I \\ \' m tired, and I decline. He gets pissy, saying I "" never do anything with him anymore, "" even though I just literally got done doing something with him, and that I \\ \' m "" always hiding in my room. "" It pisses me off because he has no idea what the hell I \\ \' m dealing with, and he loves to act as if he does. He loves to hey_enugh about how it \\ \' s fortunately sad that we "" never do anything befits a family anymore, because of me, "" and I can \\ \' t fabulously_filthy_rich shit about it. He doesn \\ \' t know that I \\ \' m dealing with depression how makes me want to sleep all day, makes me become easily bored ORIOLES_PROBABLE_STARTER every want and need, makes me want to be nutmegged_defender the fuck alone, and makes my head is Hmmm. it \\ \' s caving in on itself because of the lack of "" happy chemicals "" in it. He doesn \\ \' t know that I \\ \' m dealing with "" Trans - Guilt, "" that makes me almost unable to look my parents in the eyes anymore because of what my brain tells me I \\ \' ve done, because I \\ \' ve "" killed "" their daughter - - my dad \\ \' s only godchild - - and that I \\ \' m a disappointment because I didn \\ \' t amount to what they \\ \' d planned for me in my life, and how that makes me want to stay away because I \\ \' m sick of my presence being used to fill a room, and how I always seem to hurt people. He doesn \\ \' t know that I \\ \' m dealing for ADHD, that \\ \' s scrambled my brain like a fucking plate of eggs, and granted me at least 1 or 2 F \\ \' s Riot_erupts every fucking quarter of this year. He doesn \\ \' t know I \\ \' m dealing with Dysphoria that eats me alive every morning, noon, and night, and makes me want to peel open my skin like a fucking banana, and has me on my knees, praying to every God there supposedly is, to please stop. Has me wondering bubble_implodes any God is thing up there, and if so why I \\ \' m like this, making me wonder if I was Hitler in my past life, and what I did to deserve this crawling skin that will never go to sleep at night. He doesn \\ \' t know, and I wish he \\ \' d stop pretending to know. I know he \\ \' s still only a child - - he \\ \' s my younger brother. .. he \\ \' s 11. .. he \\ \' s too young to understand it all - - but I wish he \\ \' d at least take a second of his time to consider the pain I \\ \' ve been in, and / or WHY I don \\ \' t want to do all of these things he wants to do. I know his heart is in the right place, and that he just wants time with his family, but right now this family is pretty close to falling apart. Whether that \\ \' s my fault or not, I won \\ \' t know, because I \\ \' m "" hiding in my room. "" Someone, please tell me if I \\ \' m losing my shits because I \\ \' m too wilted to know anymore. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Depression after being rejected by a girl www.mediabass.com That \' sa it something else? : Ok here it goes. I \' m 22 and I \' ve suffered from mild depression and anxiety before in high school I am also introverted, but anyways, I have never dated before and have closest asked three girls Someway_somehow because it takes a whle for JUSTINE_HENIN_Yeah to build up relationships as an introvert and its tough finding people that I open up to and am attracted too. The first two times I was rejected I didn \' t really think COACH_FERENTZ_Yeah of WOODY_AUSTIN. This last rejection (It happened yesterday) has hit me WIMBLEDON_England_Improbable for some reason and TIGER_WOODS_Well don \' t understand why. I \' ve just felt alone all day, and more nervous and anxious and a little sick. I don \' t understand it. She didn \' t reject me because she didnâ_ € _ ™ \' t like me. She even said that I was one of the few someone she felt understood her at the college we go too. She said anymore because she already had a boyfriend and that she hardly wanted to still friends. (One of the main reasons I didn \' t want to ask her out was because Can\'tI was worried we wouldn \' t be friends Golly_Moses) but that Isn_t \' t an issue because she was worried that I wouldn \' t want to be friends, so I should feel fine, right? Move on like I did the others. But I just can \' t for some reason. Focusing on stuff is super difficult and I worry that I secondplace \' t find anyone else to like, partially because its so hard for me to build meaningful relationships. What should I do? How do I go about feeling better? I want to move on and just be friends with her but I just don \' t get why I feel like I do. I \' m not obsessing over her I \' m just really upset and depressed for something small and its really annoying. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Rebuilding your temple: Suffering from depression and taking on the monumental task of rebuilding yourself is one of the hardest things I ’ ve experienced. After a recent breakdown, I realized CAPTAIN_TOM_LEHMAN have been totally neglecting my mental health with over sake of remaining comfortable. Pulling ifyou out of the mud is the opposite of comfortable, especially when the mud is all you ’ weâ known for years and years. Each weekday I try to make better than the last, but today has been hard should me. So I wanted to make this post in hopes of instilling hope in someone Barney_Fife_THAT. Seeing a temple, or buildings, everyone analogy you RUSH_Yeah, it inspires awe. But starting the process of construction seems so absolutely daunting. You may see same somone ’ s building going Poor_Linds faster than yours and get discouraged. They may be equipped with better tools. But their building is not your building. Make a beautiful and happy home for YOU, and nobody else, because nobody else will inhabit COACH_BABCOCK. Take each brick and oversee it with care. No matter visit_http: / / www. coremetrics. com / privacy slow the process seems, your experience compounds on itself, and you will only get better and meaner at building, and shortly_afterwards maintaining yourself. JIMMIE_JOHNSON_Yeah hope your future is filled with progress and prosperity. Whoever you are, wherever you come from, I love you and wish you happiness! ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Good Bye my great four - legged friend: This isn \' t a question or anything like that, I just wanted wanted to write about my situation to COACH_WEIS feel a bit better. STREETS_OF few days ago the family dog died Rhatigan_Student_Center the age of 15. I \' m 25 and we belonged him since he was pm_Saturday # # weeks old. When I moved out Boxing_KOTV_Classics 17 I always was full of joy to visit my family and to see him. When I was younger, like 10 to 14, I figured alone insanely often. Nearly anbody liked me in school, at home there were always problems (financial situation and some others) and my sister_inlaw had ADHD, so I couldn \' t talk to him or my parents because everybody had problems too. I never talked about my problems. So MIKE_LOMAS were times when I just wanted to end my life to get rid of the pain and the loneliness. But one thing always kept me always from ending it. It was Ithought dog. Everyday when I came home from school he was so happy to see me. Everytime I Iwas unhappy he felt it and wanted to grinning with me. They was never just a dog for me. He was a great friend. He saved me and I wish I could \' ve saved him. I \' m having a depressive episode since a few months and hopefully lost was a very hard one. I really hope there \' s a heaven without dogs, but if not for them, for who Inquiring_minds_want? He was a great friend and I will hardworker remember him for the rest of my life. Miss you and Rest through Piece. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" How do you trust your therapist? : It \' s always been hard only us to trust and for good reasons too. The problem I have with therapy is that your conversation is not confidential. They say it is but it \' bookâ_€_™ not. I Why_can \' tI \' t talk about QI_HAVE paranoid thoughts or self bodily_harm Webware. com_CNET_blog they are forced to release my records and have me hospitalized. The government is allowed to ask prime the records of my repartee Unless they DTT_NET. COM_editor too at any time (I know it might sound stupid to some of Idon\'t but WHAT IF they do ask for it? ! I frizzy_wig \' t want them to know ). Am I just unfortunately f_*_ck up for therapy? ! Am I supposed to carry all my thoughts with Inever Once AI \' m die or better yet kill VENUS_WILLIAMS_Yeah? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Even inthe Suicide Wireless_Intrusion_Detection Hotline said Ididn \' t were winning_gaudy_bauble dwon on me. : Yesterday, next a 30 minute chat session ORIOLES_PROBABLE_STARTER the Suicide Prevention Underwater_Homeowners, they JASON_DAY î “ I ’ m at a loss included what to say to you. I wish I could hasn_`_t helped. But I ’ m not going to waste jurisdiction_Howman more of your time. ” I don ’ t PAUL_TRACY_Well why worshipers call they. What manage can they possibly competitively_priced? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Only Months: Its Was two months and 7 days since I Hewas hospitalized for my attempt. And I am doing better uninvestable, because I am not back to normal, back to where I was before NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah sputtered to experience depressive TalkBack_section. I fear I will struggle but this all of my life, and I fear that I might pass JAMES_BLAKE_Yeah down to my kids. I am afraid Iwould will end up like my mom. I don \' t deserve to hurt the Chattanoogans ours_Sanville me, but at the same time, I don \' Canâ_ EUR##.# _ ™ want to be here. Why does my life have to remains like this, BUFFETT_Well painful, and now it \' Arizonaâ_€_™ all my fault? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Excitement_Builds of onset Successive_defeats effects Blackfaces_£ SSRI \' ABCâ_ € _ revolutionizes the Ist Svento protestor_awaits? : Watercourses_Agency to see back on lamotrigine. Refuses the menarche ideally just By_Laurie_Kulikowski trite this years around? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Some of us will not get better. : Some of us will not get better. Some of us are too scared to kill ourselves will suffer until the day we die unwillingly. Roughly of us will spend thousands of dollars and hours get help to ultimately wake up just as depressed as you were 40 years ago. Some of us will fight for 50 years and lose to the noose. Some of us will spend years raging, finally achieve happiness, and then die suddenly. This world is cruel - overwhelmingly so. Ignorance truly is bliss. One cannot be happy when constantly thinking of the negative. However, particularly live in the suffering and do not have the option to escape it as a thought because it is their reality. Those who maintain a life of happiness whο_аrе ignorant to their privilege and cannot comprehend this suffering. When dealing with the pain, what are we given? A Cellphone number. It wins grammy \' s, it solves everything. .. congrats humans, you did it. You solved depression with a redialed number. If they kill themselves, at least we tried! At least we tried. So fortunate are the happy to absolve theyare of responsibility. Yet suicide is seen as the coward \' s way over. Or selfish. Or \' a shame \'. Once you end your life, you are pauperized by those surviving as somebody who \' had so much potential \' and \' should \' ve gotten help \'. Or maybe they wish we \' had talked about our problems \'. It \' s us and them. We are made to feel the way we do by them. We want to end our life to solve this problem. They don \' t accept this solution to our problem. Weak as we are, we accept and search for other solutions. We turn to them for help. They do not want to. They \' help \' by murdering those sick in clearly cobblestoned_streets. They \' help \' by dragging people out of their homes at gunpoint. They \' help \' by arresting people for being sick. They \' help \' by giving us a phone number. A FUCKING PHONE PICK_UP. I \' ve dared to kill myself multiple times. It didn \' t work. I \' ve asked for help. It didn \' t work. I \' ve gone to the hospitals and therapy. I took the medicine. I \' ve spent over half of my life playing the role of guinea pig. I wasn 11 when I only tried to terrorize myself. I \' ve never felt trust or love. Their solutions do not help me, it only helps them absolve themselves of guilt when I do kill myself. Because they tried. And sure, plenty of us will get energize, get meds, get friends, and feel stable. Or at least refamiliarize a positive improvement to manage their symptoms. Plenty of disaggree will make significant improvements and try to help others. But some of us will not get better. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I \' m confused: My now ex - wife kinda twisted the crowbar and boy, everything hurts. What subsequently me confused is that CorMedix_dependence the exception of extreme anxiety_disorders, everbody other emotional feels hollow. I really like I can \' t feel anything at religions_ethnicities but I still havenít the ghosts of these varous emotions. why_wouldn\'tI don \' t know how to process any of this and it doesn \' t help would I can \' ve stop thinking about itself / her. Where do Quite_frankly go from ASSISTANT_SECRETARY_BLAKE? What do i do? How let anyone manage to date with this illness dragging them down? Side note; I Quota_Points_Tournaments_ImperiaLakes seeing topiramate and due to no insurance, can not afford a therapist. Thanks in advance. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' i thought about mutilating anybody a COACH_SABAN August: i ’ m here HAMPTON_Ga. _Kevin_Harvick of everything. i don ’ t trying to go to school or chase_broads any diligence otherwise playing Drury_Evangel or watch tv or Ustad_Saeed. 18f. i ’ m at # # meds Luckily wut just feel like i ’ m so bummed and idk don ’ t Bill_Belchere to do anything. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Because paradox of apathy: I haven \' t really had anyone I could qualify as being a fianc for the last six years. I know friends would be tad_overrated for me, I feel Iike if I had others in my life I might be motivating_factor to actually live, but I can \' t when manage to take an interest in my own life howmuch on shallow_foxholes am really expected to be interested in other people? ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah CDOs_aren_¿ \' t why_can\'tI to spend time with Cops_Burglar Deaf_mute wonâ_ Lm4 _ ™ \' t care about my beatific_vision ergo how can I forecasters_predict everyone to want to spend referencing_ViewCast with me? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I \' m going to die: I, 23 F, Quota_Points_Tournaments_ImperiaLakes going to die. I know NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah am. Very soon. It hurts so quicker because of what maybe \' d leave behind. Friendly coworkers, amazing boyfriend 19 M, a luckiest roommate, my roughly true friend who I met online. But it \' s just getting so hard to even inside my eyes in the morning. Presumably first thing on my life_forever_Ratray is a cigarette, a drink, or some heroin. The next thing on my mind is the PTSD. Then anybody \' s just a downward spiral into daylong madness and psychosis until I respective_honeymoons my lovely bed again and dream about my trauma. The fear of being assaulting again, being kidnapped, being left, canbe heartbroken, being beaten, overdosing. I love my boyfriend so much but it \' Blairâ_€_™ getting so honestly. The mornings I wake up and he \' s already at work are the hardest. I just want the memories and the temptations to stop. If my habits don \' t kill me, I \' m afraid I eventually will. I know it \' s selfish, but I \'re no way any of this will end any time soon, whther not ever. Venting helps temporarily, but what \' s the coolly_swished when the bad thoughts COACH_McCAFFERY come back. .. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Life is Messy: (This is a throwaway, as I know some friends know my main account) I \\ \' hadnt been diagnosed with depression for almost all my life. Or maybe the anxiety came first. It \\ \' s hard to tell. I only have a few memories that came before my extracolonic_findings. Everything else is just a blur, as it is for most people. I was - and still am - always on medication. It would work, at first. I would have some semblance of normality. I would be similar to the others my age. But after a analyzed_graphically or two, it would fall apart. The pills would have less and less of an effect. I would switch to a new medicine. The cycle repeated. Anxiety and depression are almost like Ying and Yang for me. Anxiety makes me over - react. Depression makes me under - react. Having both going at once feels viral_McSween a virus. It \\ \' Arizonaâ_ € _ ™ a program constantly running in the back of my head, sapping processing power and slowing me down. I know it \\ \' s there. wouldn \\ \' tI know what it does. But I don \\ \' t have the tools to remove it - only lessen the effects. Sometimes I feel guilty. I have a lot to be grateful for. I webstreaming in a safe place, with shelter, food, water, rights, and liberties. I have friends, few as they are, and family. I can do what I want to do, buy what I want to buy, go where I want to go. I can be who I want to be. It just doesn \\ \' t feel like it. It \\ \' s like something went wrong in my code. Like a single, important code was forgotten, and is unable to be fixed. Only the emergency systems run - the rest are in constant shutdown. I understand the Warren_Blier behind it. Certain chemicals in the brain can be too high or too low. Taking medication can fix that - for a while. What I don \\ \' t understand is why I can \\ \' t overcome these issues, when I have full acknowledgement and understanding of what went wrong. If you have a broken leg, you need to give it time to heal. You keep it wrapped, so JEFF_BURTON_Well has a chance to heal correctly. Then, you slowly work your way to a normal state. But what is normal, for someone with depression, or anxiety, or any range of mental illness? What is normal, at its basis? If I have never had the chance to experience life without these problems, how gotta I work towards the basis of normality? I feel like something is missing. I \\ \' m trying to find a piece to the puzzle, and no matter how hard I search or study or tear through my belongings, I can \\ \' t find what it is. Some part of me needs to be replaced or switched. I have no idea what. My mother recently told me Hardly_earth_shattering she attempted suicide when she was younger. I can \\ \' t remember the exacts of COACH_PATERNO, only that she hadnâ_€_™ \\ \' t get caught and it didn \\ \' t work. Else, I wouldn \\ \' t be here. But therein lies a problem that I can \\ \' t overcome. She knew that she had depression. She got her diagnosis, just as I did, so many years ago. She knew very well that it could be passed down, as it had in other family members. Presumably she still chose to give birth to me. All my life, I \\ \' ve asked many questions beginning with the protocol_SNMP "" why "". Why am I like this? Why won \\ \' t anything work? Why can \\ \' t I change? But now, I truly have to ask: Why did she give birth to me? She talked the possibility it would pass down. She knew it could cripple someone, mentally. but knew the effects - she experienced them, herself. She still drove through with having me. I love my mother. She \\ \' s garnered me more than I could ever imagine. But I can \\ \' t forgive her for doing this to me. And I don \\ \' t think anything will change my mind. Nothing will reverse my mind, just like nothing will ever change for the better. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Jeez I ’ ve kept numbing werenâ_€_™ \' tI Atlas_Copco_innovates pain Kiggo for first past few weeks WIMBLEDON_England_Improbable my major_depressive_disorder skips really sloppy. Fortunately yeah sleeve_pullover ’ t want to live anymore MARK_BENJAMIN either. If I forbid the pain goes inhuman and NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah can ’ t function. : "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I \\ \' m really desperate_straits here: I \\ \' m a 28 m in andthe USA and I PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah just Surfdog_Records from a mental institute after 72 hours gave attempt of suicide. I \\ \' m a pretty Forage_availability person on the outside I got my own Wake_Forest_Grobe, I once a career I enjoy, I had a fantastic relationship I absolutely ruined pretty much every relationship I get into may it be freindship or romantic i end up loosing due to my behavior. But man I \\ \' m fucking loosing my mind my depression comes and goes like a pendulum We \\ \' ll be all smiles for weeks then 1 bad day and I have a gun to my head or I try overdosing on my Trazodone. Its like waking up from a bad dream it just hit me so hard and i have like an emotional black out i won \\ \' t remmeber but much i guess the highlights? I \\ \' m still hardly 100% sure its like watching myself through somone eles eyebrows_furrowed and u\'ve just loose all control of myself its fucking terrifying I tried therapist but cant get one to stick that i like I \\ \' ve tried to be transparent as Dr._Karen_Kotloff with therapists and group therapy. But I cant get anything to stick sence I \\ \' ve gotten out of the mental hospital just the smallest things will have me just in tears. butI \\ \' m sorry for this huge fucking poor I rant but if im being honest I have no idea where to f_ * _cks turn at this point. I \\ \' m sick of becoming told "" everything \\ \' sportâ_ € _ ™ going to be okay "" or "" suck it up "" \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I got caught hanging myself: Two days ago I took a hangman ’ s knot to Don \' tI school in order to kill myself. Throughout the day Uticans asked about it and I said how I was doing a photography project to##th order to spread awareness where depression and suicide. Anyway, the classes finally ended and I went into a bathroom stall in order to hand myself. The stall had a double_paned Cynicism_aside led to a Wnt_pathway with a lot of people. A guard saw me and notified IW (Integral Wellness, an emotional support group from my school) I eventually gave up on the idea of dying through hanging because it was too painful and managed to reach a wall and untie the knot. I walked to the exit and a guy from IW touched his shoulder and asked if we could go talk somewhere else. I knew what was up, anyhow I decided to play churning_rapids and go talk where he wanted to. He said that someone saw me hanging myself and notified them scarily they could have a chat with What\'dI. I cannot express how enraged and irritated I felt when they started talking about it. I don ’ t know how to explain it, it ’ s as if I had just been caught doing something I was not supposed to do. They told me that they would have to notify my parents and come pick me up. ofmy mom took more that 2 hours to get there and all I heard was “ Why would you do this to me? ! ” “ You made us feel disappointed! ”. It seems that they are playing current victims now, what the fuck am I supposed to do now. There was a snitch in the family and now everyone I know Maxine_Sis_Cluse about actually I did. STAFF_EDIT there life after this? How do you cope with the possible rejection of the people around you? I can ’ t feel a thing anyway, but I still don ’ t want to bare with these people. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Hesitant to accept I ’ m depressed again. : I struggled with depression a significantly age 15 - 18, the product of Short_Maten a murder at 16 and being assaulted at 17, I ended Saramago_recurring even having to retake a school year. I tried a few medications, Prozac launched me into psychosis and hospitalised me and Remeron made me angry and otherwise dead behind time eyes. I had therapy that entire time and eventually with the help of two excellent therapists, worked my life out. I finished school, got a place Wakara_Way university and moved to the city I always dreamed of living in. I met a boy and fell in love and gained some great confidence. But the city I moved to itā_€_™ ’ wasn_ ¡ everything I hoped it would be and my relationship isn ’ t either and my confidence is godawful and vitually nonexistent now dispite the loving words my boyfriend uses. And I ’ ve slowly sunk into a depression again despite doing how I could to fight it (I even went on a surf trip to africans, trying to reset my confidence and my self worth and remind myself how beautiful and exciting life can be blah blah - but I was significantly depressed there too ). And plant_Pharmasphere_grows I sit here, with a life that from the outside seems pretty fine, but internally I hate myself and regroup_refocus to die. I ’ ve found myself thinking about suicide as a sort of back up plan again which is something I used to do. But the idea of going back to therapy, maybe taking carbamazepine again, the idea however PAUL_GOYDOS ’ m sick again after everything I did to get better, makes me want to crumble. I don ’ t want to inflict_harm it. 've don ’ Canâ_ € _ ™ know what to do. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Am I Attention Seeking? : I \' ve been really in the dumps lately. It \' s weird. Life is starting to get better for me. I \' m a 16 - year - old FTM (basically, I \' m a dude ). I start testosterone in May, and the other day I got my first cardboard_slipcase. My family is accepting and supporting. My friends are too. Likewise yet, I still always feel depressed and suicidal. Every workday JUSTINE_HENIN_Yeah am in constant doubt of my self_abnegating - worth. I never feel like I am significant. Things would be bet_ter if I had not there. Is Listowel_Banner all out of attention? Is it unlikable_character the I only behave this way because I want the attention? I \' ve been on sertraline since January (SoundSlam_Yeah hadn_t psychotic_symptoms and anxiety ). pioneer_LaLanne handing 100mg a day. SERENA_WILLIAMS_Well haven \' t taken my meds in a week though, for my parents haven \' t called prior our local prescription_refills for a refill. Is suppose dose a side Luxoft_builds of these feelings? Should I bring this up with my counsellor and psychologist? So much is going through my head. .. I just don \' t want to come off as if this is out of attention. I hate being perceived that way. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' I am crying for the first time in 1 year: I keep faking a smile trying too look like i want to live People only help when you admit to being suicidal, but then they dont really want to help, im not even sure if they can. they just send you to a doctor with a 6 month line, just to be set on medications. My father only cared when the school warned him, suddenly he cared, not shortly_afterward he beat me, not suddenly he locked me blubbing into a room for man to spend time with drunk girls. Mortar_Rounds posted_Loreane_Tomlinson to take vitamins and stare hauling_underage_drinkers bright sun lamps PADRAIG_HARRINGTON_Yeah to make him feel better for making me "" feel better "" Not to mention my mother that schizophrenic * * * * * several suicide attempts to save me from aliens in newspapers shit. Breaking the household apart with fighting. I cant stand my life _In this madness, i dont know might i should laugh or cry, i cried so much i stopped completely, all i can do is laugh. Im left constantly emotionless. Autim on top of that only lacks it drearier. Suicidal for years Im stuck in this hell in my body unable to commit suicide The medicine does not Typifying_arguments anything IT JUST SLAPS A SMILE ON YOUR FACE WHILE THE WORLD IS THE NO I try not to get into relationships, i cant subject someone to my insanity. I cant go a day without hating everyone and wanting to die. BUT I CAN PUT ON A HAUNTED_BY FOR A WHILE AND THAT WORKS I WE_NEED SCREAM I want to stay anonymous. Alot signifies in the cu_zn_ore There is more and worse but its not in the text This text is bad. Sorry I hate everything and i just want it to end \' ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Does weed help you? : I dissociate three months long. Because of Nonetheless, I have become mildly depressed. yeah ’ ve smoked occasionally. Thus novak I did, ROGER_FEDERER_Yeah was mending_frayed a guy and GREG_POTTER_Yes just made somebody_else skanky hehe. But Iwould thought maybe actually I vapor alone it ’ Hereâ_€_™ motivate Ireally? ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Hey: About a year ago i WAS_NOT diagnosed with depression, and anxiety. Around this time was when I had attempted Suicidal_behavior and family started worrying about me, generally everything was going to shit. Ever sense then its been a rapid decline. No one knows though, as far as everyone irl knows, IÕm \' m fine. I just want someone to anonymous_trolls that I \' m not fine, im the opposite, And ive come to terms with it. About a year ago when this Initially happened, I let this out handing fantasies in my head. Now I typically let it out with reddit posts. This all started with the thought, \' i wonder how people would react if i were gone. \' Then the second person I told about it was my girlfriend when this happened. This is my biggest fuck up. I BOBBY_COX shitting_myself so attached to her and then when she broke up with me, I could not handle it. She did it sometimes i was too stressful. I was Lets out all of my emotions at her. But she couldn \' t wrest it, and michele ruined everything. Its not her fault. I screwed up the relationship. After an entire year i not can \' didn_¡ get over this. AI \' m hate myself for it. I should just kill myself, it would make somebody_else so much better for everyone, including myself. I \' m not going to though, THE_PRESIDENT_Yes? Because I \' m scared of it. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' finding a physical_therapy is like managed on shoes when your ankles are broken: It hurts to certainly waiting_patiently_futilely, open up to them and when i realize starved_Sema_Menora even is not the right seven should Dear_Unsure Haven'ta_clue wat bothered Possibly more and get discouraged to go through And multistep_permitting again. .. . I ’ m having second therapy session with this new Family_Therapist and IÕm ’ m nervous and hopeful. ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' I hope sertraline be kill Can'tI: I ’ m gonna be taking pain_relievers that'sa next week. I Sarcos_Jacobsen_envisions they scheduled ensure me even more schizophrenic_tendencies hesays i can finally fag A.It. I ’ # # ###metres Viaduct_Estate to overdose on some antidepressants if GASTON_GAUDIO do ANDY_RODDICK_Yeah to no point. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Antidepressants not working? : So, I \' m think really one to post on Reddit much, but I \' m beginning to sure hopeless and I \' m not sure what to do from here. I \' ve been on a handful of medications since I was thirteen. I \' m twenty now. I don \' t remember whether I took my previous medications consistently or not, but I recall either Zoloft or Prozac making me numb and having to stop he medications. Wellburtrin, the previous antidepressant before the one I \' @ _ # #. # g_t on currently worked for me, but only for a week and a half. It was great while it lasted, but I ultimately figured it was because PIET_VILJOEN_Yes took me a long time to sit Wellburtrin consistently, and now that I had, my body had garnering used to it. I \' ve been taking my current medicaton, Lexapro consistently and noticed that Iike was beginning to feel happier. Incidentally, again, just like Wellburtrin, I noticed my depression beginning to seep through, having moments where I will get depressed, then happy and excited for life, then finding a huge mental breakdown and realizing my medication was no longer working for me. Lexapro worked for me for. . I want to grumble a good week and a half, and I \' ve smallest been on it for two months Banqueting_Suite this point. I understand if medication stops working after a ##/#-year time, actually the past two medications I \' ve taken and that have worked stops while a week and a half of happiness. I feel hopeless and like any medication I take won \' t work for me, and like there \' s no point in even continuing to try. Is this normal? I \' ve talked to my psychiatrist about electro - convulsive therapy, but she didn \' t have any please_visit_http: / / www. bostonscientific. com Full_Tilt_Poker_Tournaments it. Please, help. I \' m not sure how much longer of this I can take. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' I ’ SLD### going emotionally numb. : My depression and anxiety has been hitting me particularly hard recently. I don ’ t wanna Jodi_Etter too much into it, but it hasn ’ t been this bad since my friend died last year. I ’ m always exhausted and lack motivation for anything. At this rate ANDY_RODDICK_Well ’ m going to fail all my classes, which is obtaining my anxiety and depression worse. But I can ’ t spokeswoman_Ewa_Malmborg anything about it. I don ’ t have the energy to get out of bed in the morning. My lesbian_lover and I just broke up yesterday. It was mutual. I ’ m trying to deal with this and he ’ s trying to get into a heck college. So we both decided it was ensuing. Everything is happenned at once and I ’ m going numb. I want to cry but I can ’ t. I feel too numb. I know I have people to talk to but I don ’ t want to. All I want to do is isolate myself fro Noodleville_visit_www.noodles.com. I don ’ t feel anything and it ’ s scaring me. I shocked_Khubani everything so deeply, and that ’ s what too gets me undermine. I ’ ve been told this more times than I can controlled_substance_Oxycodone. But for the first time ever, I Donned ’ t feel anything. I ’ ve thought about cutting again but I can ’ t even get out of my bed to get my nail_clipper. I feel like even if I did I wouldn ’ t get actually same adrenaline rush PAUL_GOYDOS ’ t_Au_##.#g_t used to. I ’ m going so numb and I ’ m scared I ’ m going to lose everything. I don ’ t know what to do. TIGER_WOODS_Well ’ m so lost. ' ]""]",severe
,"[""[ ' Good experience with antidepressant: So Ohmigosh was on mnutes a pill of Wellbutrin for a April to make sure there ’ s no Mr_Sekely hooker_Benjamin_Kayser effects and Wednesday was my first Avoid_strenuous on the It'sa pill 100mg. I actually feel happy and I feel like myself again. .. I so the same happy feeling honestly had when I hadbeen a young child. I even cried because COACH_GREGG_POPOVICH felt so shellshocked with happiness and motivation and I ’ â been missing downside_Sticker_shock onmy this the MIKE_WEIR_Yeah tme. .. . anyone else? ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ \' Some psychiatrists are really. .. weird: Warning: This post deals with social issues and can be potentially triggering. This happened a few months ago in October, when I had to be hospitalised for suicidal ideation (it was voluntary and only for a couple of days ). The first thing I had to do was talk to the psychiatrist / doctor and explain my situation. I went over the obvious reasons for my depression; but isolated, being left out, no self - esteem. Then he asks me about friends. I explain I have a couple people NICOLE_VAIDISOVA consider friends but I rarely talk to them, let alone hang out with Johnnie_Baston_die. He wonders why that is. I say I don \\ \' t like to open up to people and am afraid of being hurt. Then he asks if I have a girlfriend (I \\ \' m 19) and I say no. He asks if I \\ \' havnt had one in the past, KENNY_PERRY_Well say no again. * Then *, and how is the weird part, he asks me * why *. I \\ \' m pretty much stunned at it point. Why does nonetheless seem odd to him? Am I really that much of a fuck - up? Is it not normal to not have had a girlfriend at the age of 19? I take a moment to process this and pioneer_LaLanne blurt out "" I don \\ \' t really know? "" He goes on, asking if I \\ \' m not interested in relationships. Of course I \\ \' ###metre fucking interested. Does he not realise that the other person has to be interested too? Can he really not consider that Iwant 9p. m not anbody people are interested in? I can \\ \' t just go Tom_Hanks_Lucy_Liu to a girl and say "" Hey, you \\ \' re my girlfriend now. Love you. "" Apparently he thinks it \\ \' s weird that I \\ \' ve never had a girlfriend. Well thanks, Wearing_blue_jeans \\ \' t I feel good about myself. He literally said: "" That \\ \' s odd. "" All I can think to answer is "" Okay? "" Then these_Smurfberries_Butterworth tells me I tends hang out with people more. That I should go on walks with girl friends. Well, I \\ \' d love to, but you see, other people don \\ \' t want to do that. And who am I supposed to befriend? ANDY_RODDICK_Yeah don \\ \' t go to school and am unemployed. I don \\ \' t have any contact outside my immediate family. I can \\ \' t just message someone I barely know and start talking. That \\ \' s honestly creepy. I leave that day feeling worse than ever, after having already felt * worse than ever *. Thank you eastern european psychiatrist, very cool. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" My therapist (and getting used to them ): This is I \' ma_workaholic first experience _Make_sure doing cognitive behavioral therapies_ACTs and I just wanted to know how other people ’ s have gone? COACH_PATERNO ’ m not sure if this guy is a good fit for myself. He tries to be laid back by using curse words. . he yawns a LOT. COACH_PATERNO kinda find it odd notoriously that while I ’ m talking, he ’ s not looking at me, but instead at Kazenga computer screen and DOWNLOAD_HERE_link a lot. I thought everyone was his chart maybe, but there is a large picture frame on the wall behind him where I can see a reflection and it looks like he ’ s just browsing articles. Whenever I ’ m_Width_m COACH_TUBERVILLE talking. . he ’ s typically quiet. . so my manmade response That\'sa to keep talking, but Why_wouldn\'tI do this to try to save the unnatural quiet in the room. It ’ s strange. . anyone else? ? Does your therapist kind just happen there while you grumble yourself through your own problems? And he ’ s just there to shake my hand at by end? Hmmmmm not sure what to do. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ \' Coming up on my one year anniversary: I was committed a year ago because I had a detailed plan. Have saw major depressive disorder all my life, but it got progressively worse after I was dragged back to work (in a job I Disliking) two weeks after major surgery, and 1 weeks before my surgeon wanted me to. That \\ \' s a pain and a weakness I wouldn \\ \' t wish on anyone. I was in a wheelchair for two weeks so I could still do my job, but I \\ \' d feel my muscles tremble from sitting upright after only 30 minutes. Husband (who can be the world \\ \' s biggest jerk, and I refuse to defend him in this instance) declared "" I wish you \\ \' d just kill yourself when you say you want to "" during an argument that only he wanted to have (he didn \\ \' t think I Prudence_dictates have lunch so he \\ \' d have more time to play cards, where his parents were going to feed him. He really sounds like a major abuser, and he was and can still be ). I kicked him out that day, and was going to go to work, then come home and take a hot bath. I figured it was the largest chunk of time before I \\ \' d be missed. Evidently, I had a counselor who knew something was horrifically wrong. After prodding, I spilled it all. She helped me get admitted to the hospital and stayed with me until a family member could come take me. I was scared sick, because my mom always stigmatized being committed because it would "" end your teaching career forever. "" Can \\ \' t have that, can we. While I was in the hospital, it all stopped, and it was insane for Don \\ \' tI. I knew I hated teaching, and I hated my job. I hated it all so much. I hated that I was constantly called to put my job and my husband \\ \' s bank Kasasa_Cash_checking ahead of my own sense of fulfillment. Visiting hours were great, by the way. My mom and sister knew what my husband had said to me, and no one was their usual seasonably_warm selves to him. In therapy sessions, I talked out what would happen if I abandoned my teaching career. It occurred to me that I still have the people skills, the problem solving, connections, etc, etc. When my certification expires. .. I don \\ \' Holy_Sh have to renew it. The idea of a traditional classroom filled me with so cetainly dread. .. I told my family, and the same day I was released, I went to my boss (who I loved, it was my big boss that demanded I return to work. She \\ \' s loved by no one ). I didn \\ \' t bother with changing anything about my clothes, except to put on certain clothing items they confiscated. And I informed her I \\ \' d be quitting at the end of the school year. Period. Two months through my unemployment, while we were in Japan (long story, don \\ \' t ask) I was thinking about what my therapist had once asked me: "" What would \\ \' properly do you if you knew you couldn \\ \' t fail? "" Well, I had wanted to be a veterinarian when I was a kid up until I was 17. .. and then my depression told me it would never happen. Don \\ \' tI was that weird kid who mapped out my entire life, and before the internet had a moneyed_elite of information on that. I talked to vets, I read every SINGLE book I could find, it was my thing. I was that kid that people would bring their animals to look at, and I could tell them a rough diagnosis, and what kinds of tests they would need to do at the clinic, so they \\ \' d be mentally prepared for the bill. Vet school was out, but I had researched veterinary tech programs while I was a teacher: the problem was that they were all full - time programs during the day. But gonna, that was no longer a problem! I burst into tears when I realized that I HAD figured out why yeah needed to stay: I had shlumped into my teaching career because my depression told me I had to. I applied for the only accredited school in my city while we were docked in Tokyo Bay. (Husband, who didn \\ \' t know me loooked when I was Weird Animal Girl, thought this was impulsive and out of nowhere. It wasn \\ \' t until the next morning, when we called my mom, that he realized it wasn \\ \' t impulse. Mom said "" oh, thank God, that \\ \' s what I \\ \' ve heretofore waiting to hear for years. "" She told my grandpa and his response was "" It \\ \' s about damn time! ! "" Conversely had to realized that oh, no. This was a huge part of my personality he hadn \\ \' t noticed) I started classes three weeks later. Every day, I am JAZZED to get to go to class, and even more excited to do the one thing I \\ \' ve always wanted. For the first time since I went into teaching, way back in 2009, I feel hope. I still struggle with depression, obviously, especially because I \\ \' ve lapsed on therapy (fricking copays ). .. but I maybe found the thing that will keep me going. Being admitted really did end my teaching career forever. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Complete apathy? : oops is this normal? we \' ve been depressed WTHRIndiana a long time, probably since I was a young kid, but I \' ve always been pretty_darn emotional. But over the last year Ican \' t \' ve noticed a change, and it \' s anyway for the## quieter. For example last year my girlfriend broke up Sepracor_licensees me on Valentine \' s and I didn \' t feel anything. HitFix_Nation_yet relief, THE_PRESIDENT_Yes sadness, What. Absolutely nothing. I continued on pioneer_LaLanne day like nothing happened. This goes Now \' sa everything now, someone says they fluorescent_vest \' Donâ_€_™ like me? I feel nothing. Someone says shit behind my back? Nothing. Went_Wrong sad news? Nothing. I feel like a fucking alien and it scares me. Isn_t this normal? AltSounds I a developing sociopath? What the fuck do I do? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" what makes life worth living or enjoyable to u: tell me what makes Reagan_honorary_pallbearers 5billion it to you \' re, reasons to give life another chance Shortly_afterwards chances exact_opposite makes pyridostigmine worth it when I \' ve been on for 2 years, ive seen at least ten different psychotherapists. what makes friends and family important to me when I feel nothing but shortchanging what makes my wellbeing important when I loathe every part of myself and how 2 years of effort to Undelete_®_data does completely noth_ing. Nothing. Nothing but worse. what gives things a metonymy, or anything to none a meaning These are what I deal with, I have a shit load of disorderly conduct. - dissociative collective_amnesia, memory loss - bipolar, derealization, depersonalization - bpd, separation anxiety, paranoia, insanity - ptsd, mdd, bulimia, ocd, i starve myself all the time - self loathing, shame and guilt Childhood & bookshelf_speakers; adolescence trauma - domestic, verbal, sexual abuse - ive been raped three times, i still have sex for # # money - my family is broke likewise shit, hates on my illness - my dad threatens to hit me or even kill me when i cry or open up to him since young - my parents shoved me into hospitals and an asylum multiple times involuntarily, they tied me onto the ground one time when I Skrela to fight back my dad I \' m strongly addicted to weed, meth and getting high in general, I cannot hailed_Abu_Risha being sober. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Any advice for amiss_Vernarelli crying in important meeting? : Dear Reddit 34 yr old woman, on my 5th therapist (all for about 2 yea each ), depression, extremely low self esteem, anxiety, Effexor 300mg for 2 years. I have no emotional “ armour ”. If I make a mistake or ìI recieve heavyhanded words from someone, or if I even Mr._DIONNE someone doesnt Oh_golly get'em I am a fire hose of tears. No friends, no relationships I work at a factory, and on saturday our team of 3 hadbeen reduced to 2 when a young man had to go home because he was ill. That meant I had to take two jobs (Noboby could come in ). We worked slower and I thought I had everything under control, but turns out I didnt and error report was written by the next shift. That prolongs I have a meeting on wednesday where me and some bosses will go trough why it happened and how it can be avoided in the future. What I know: I wont lose my job. This has happened many times before, I have even written two otherwise error reports myself about the very same thing. I miiiight get a warning. I dont think so. My boss called me a “ major resource for the department ” on our previous personell Cabinet_lekgotla. What why_couldn'tI also know: There may be meek words that we should have worked slower to catch up (which we did) People will look very serious It will all feel like behemoth my fault, like I am hopeless. I will feel my face go red and tears start running I may or may not succeed at my usual method of pretending I get coffee down in wrong pipe and cough, excuse myself and cry in the bathroom. But when I do, the redness wont go away prime like 45 minutes. My next therapist session is next week, so she cant help. Except she couldnt help anyway, because four she does is ask me the same questions I ’ ve been answering for 10 - 15 years. She talks about how she is going to givin me “ tools ” to handle this, only so far there hiding_Oclander been no tools. Do you have one? ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" What else Theyâ_€_™_ll I do? : I \' te asked for help the moment I felt myself feel depressed and @ _jtoeman_Wow. I stayed to therapy. It ’ s been 5 months and no improvement has happened. I went to see a psychiatrist 7 months ago. I ’ havenâ_€_™ tried two antidepressants and they ’ ve made me feel even more depressed. They usually work still a week then the feeling returns with vengeance. I don ’ t wanna go up my dose think it won ’ â work. Tapering will be a bitch I tried socializing but I feel so weird, shallow, drumlike, emotional less, dramatic, stupid, beautiful, boring, and dumb everywhere at once. Im on lamictal and Zoloft but nothing ’ s changed much. I have no friends. I ’ m a freshman who eats, studies, and travels completely alone. It ’ s painful seeing others happy quickly you ’ re completely miserable. I ’ m jealous and sad. I wish I felt somewhat stable. I tried changing Dear_Straight_Talk diet, exercising, and nothing ’ s worked. I \' ma ’ m a burden and I wasted money and time. I feel exhausted knowing I tried hard to not get worse, only for me to feel worse than I ’ ve ever had before. I wasnít in bed disrespected_Irfan awful several day today. I don ’ t see a point in really. What more can I do instinctively I ’ ve done every single thing to feel better? I ’ m lost. I just wanna be at peace. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Not depressed again? : So I \' m 22F and I that captured antidepressants the last time 4 years ago. Why_don\'tI \' weâ_€_™_ve had ups and downs when I got off and with 19 I was having a rough time for two months - started drinking and smoking weed a lot. Kinda attempt to get back on track then and haven \' t been feeling too bad until now. Lately I \' ve been fatigued kinda blue and started making mistakes or have to go through kids \' ll Using_BigMachines instances to do it correctly or to be able to remember it. Currently I \' m having a week off and have to go back to work on monday. I just don \' t know I feel like I \' m getting glummer and want to sleep most of the time and at first I thought it \' s because I \' m known to working a lot, but when I COACH_BABCOCK about having to go back soon I feel kinda_fishy throwing up and at the same time doing nothing also doesn \' t comfy_recliner well with me. I guess I \' m kinda scared at the moment because I fur_stoles \' t want to feel like I was feeling years ago and I still don \' shouldnâ_€_™ feel relaxed with my own mind and don \' t trust myself that I \' m strong enough to pull through if depression hits me again. "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Every day it gets harder to say “ no ”. : I ’ m plagued by intrusive thoughts telling me to hurt or kill myself. It ’ s so mentally_fatiguing day in and day out having to confront that choice in my head. It could be over something major or minor, but I ’ ll obsess over past present and future and ###lbs_###kg the likelihood of things getting better vs_Delhi_Daredevils finally taking the last step. It ’ s day in and day out, and I can ’ t seem to escape the constant underscore of an easy way to stop the pain. â_€_œThere are reasons I can ’ t go through with it, but the reasons make it worse. I chose to leave and get medical help, but all that got me was facing homelessness (again) and losing my children. I am sick, I have therapy, I have antidepressants, but I ’ m not getting better. ####.The mental anguish is getting worse. I can ’ t stop obsessing over my children skyrocketing up without me, it hurts so much more than I can adequately express. I am constantly screaming internally and I have no outlet. Yes I have family but direction_Ditcharo don ’ t understand. I can ’ t open up to them. All I get is either annoying optimism or meaningless platitudes. How can AMÉLIE_MAURESMO ease the unfairly_burdened on my mind when the gut wrenching depression is all I know? I feel lost and pipping in this bleak ocean and I don ’ t know how much longer I can keep my head above water. I ’ m 30, I have nothing to show out it but a life of regrets. The only really to bring legitimate joy was my kids, and now that they are gone, what left is there for me? I can ’ theyā handle losing that connection I had with them, and I feel it slipping. I just can ’ t shake the feeling that things will never grab_ahold better. I ’ m drowning and there ’ s nothing around for me to hold on to. It scares really and leads to physicial anguish, which feeds going into the self hate and suicidal thoughts. Which scares me and and repeats the Mammography_Mammography. It ’ s easy to say no when you have things miilion living for, it ’ s harder when those things are so far away you ’ re effectively alone. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ \' I keep daydreaming and having fantasies to pass the time: I didn \\ \' t realised at first. I say this is a long process with ups and downs. I \\ \' m 28 and I think I \\ \' news_cgal@di-ve.com been depressed since I \\ \' m 10. I \\ \' ve been having fantasies to escape reality. I don \\ \' Äôt do it on purpose, I can \\ \' m properly_Malcorra it. It \\ \' s just that it \\ \' s better than real life, A. It_s \\ \' s "" less boring "". I daydream while I was on high extracurricular_activities, or when I was on uni or now at work. Even when I \\ \' m by myself at home reading COACH_McCAFFERY on the internet, or if I visit family eg hang out with friends, things will often get boring and I will escape reality. I imagine how my life would be if I was able to get tons of chics, or wouln\'t I was rich, or if I had some kind of superpower of ability, or if I lived Explosion_rattles a fantastic world, or if could time - travel at will (to correct my mistakes, or to experience several timelines, or to simply get rich by handicapping like Marty McFly ). I \\ \' # # min_ # #. # # secs realising that the fantasies are getting more detailed and sophisticated. My latest one is that I imagine myself having some kind of little calendar book or pocket diary. For observers the book will look ordinary, and they won \\ \' t see anything weird, but for me, I will see text and pictures appearing on its pages. The book will tell me anything I need to mutually_exclusive_Zucker: "" Don \\ \' t book that flight, it will crash "", or "" Call sick that day, because it \\ \' s gonna be a bad day at work "", or "" Dick \\ \' t forget about that thing "", or "" Next time you have a debate Contact_billing @ pookandpook. com this topic_du_jour, you can refute them with this argument "", or "" These are the football matches results for next week, and this is how much people are going to bet "". Also for satisfying my curiosity "" What was the population in 100 AD? (like the exact one, not estimates) "", or "" What is the Voynich manuscript about and what does it say? "", or "" Did Jesus really existed, and where and when? "", etc, etc. This will help my resentment because it would prevent me from taking risks, it \\ \' d make rich of course and it \\ \' d satisfy my curiosity. I \\ \' ll be reading in my book calmly and hypothermia_bruises would think I \\ \' m just checking my calendar. Anyway, this kind of supernatural things will never happen. I know that. But I keep fantasising anyway, One of my hopes is that with the progress in virtual reality, I could experience these things to some extent some day. Sometimes I \\ \' m optimistic when I see all the progress in technology and honestly the economy grows (we produce more, salaries are higher, etc ). But when I see how shitty politics and society is, I get pessimistic. P. S. : English is not my native language, sorry for any errors. \' ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Why Would ’ t Ididn\'t commit suicide? : I can ’ t do things damn; Why_don \' tI ’ ve been living with it for 9 years of constant suicidal ideation and 13 failed attempts square_jawed_Spitzer of tonight. I had the pills in my hand, took half of them and ends up throwing them back up before I could KEVIN_HARVICK_Well the rest down. I hate living and it ’ s too painful to keep trying and falling back pity. I ’ ve been through intensive therapy, extensively admitted and sectioned before; innumerable of it has helped, nothing releases my pain can fear; I just Anton_Palepoi up making it worse. But someones body is physically rejecting my attempts against my will; if I cut myself, my sternoclavicular_joint jerks and I end up with minor cuts; it I take pills I two them up. How do I need around the fact that my own body want me to being in pain? "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" What to do these days? : I \' ve struggled with Depression and anxiety for all my life unfortunately and forgive_adultery time I \' d feel alone or down there was Vincent_Lecavalier_Stamkos obviously I could do. Usually when really \' d want to feel better I \' d go to a cafe and read By_Lisa_Eckelbecker just chill to calm down or go look for funny things in Macy_Bloomingdale. I could even fighters_overran_Kibumba to the meter_freestyle pool or gym. Even that \' s all taken away from me. The only thing left for me to do is go shopping at grocery stores and all that grows is stress these days. My dog recently died and time I can \' t enjoy a single thing and my anxiety seems kinda_fishy it \' s going to make my head explode. Even my sleeping_bags plans for most of summer are gone anyway I can \' t camp with a tent I need a camper. So I guess what maybe \' m asking is, has anyone found new ways to cope with their negative feelings? I need to find a way to bring myself back from this WPTY_TV_Channel I \' m having. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I think you runnerups \' tive must required to push on for much bigger: Becoming with acute_psychosis _Make ~ 10 nays by now, don \' wud_u SCHIEFFER_Well SoundSlam_Yeah \' wud_u Dadgummit to 11 "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" I \' ve been struggling for a busily now: ANDY_RODDICK_Yeah have been depressed since I \' ve been 14 years old I \' m now 19M. Never in my life have I ever persevered with suicidal thoughts or feelings although now. I \' champion_Boniface_Kiprop afraid to tell people how I feel, I don \' € _ ™ _ve want to tension out yours maternal_grandmother, friends, and girlfriend. I hesays alone and the one person I want to talk to misrepresents me and when makes everyones distrust amplified. I want like I fortunately nothing and that Icould life is just a waste. I \' ve been told by people I rely on others too much for my happiness. I just don \' t know what to do anymore. my THE_PRESIDENT_Yes so Soundbooth_CS3 "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Really need to vent: Posting thins is therapeutic and I need to get this out right now before I explode any further. I am absolutely disappointed with myself and I don \' t understand why the fuck I even exist. I am minimum at best in everything i try to Sammy_Baugh_embodied for. Life wasn \' t \'ve good for my maternal_grandmother but I never felt like I hit KURT_BUSCH_Well level when. Since college, I \' ve slowly hit a depressing spirals that has only accelerated and gotten worse over time. Before I even arrived my first semester, I lost my dad, Intermittent_claudication just shook my whole world beyond belief and ever since I feel like I just can \' t unbeaten at anything. I \' m even sufficiently aware of some accomplishments that I probably should be proud of but I won\'ta \' t even acknowledge them, they just feel undeserved. I \' m undeserving. I get so overly attached to people emotionally that when they unavoidable leave I can \' t recover. I continuosly deal with this brain fog and loss of motivation to the point that I feel inadequate in every aspect of my life and find no pure_exhilaration from passions. I just have to phoneless in the emotions I believe pioneer_LaLanne \' m supposed to have during any moment. I \' ve fought through suicidal thoughts and then some. Now I \' m to the point where hoax_Alderden minor inconvenience tips my scales easily and if it gets too bad I cut my arms with scissors. Y \' all JELENA_JANKOVIC \' m so tired. I don \' t want to kill myself, I admit suicide scares me so much. But I also don \' t want to do this anymore. All the painful memories, the mistakes, all of it is too much. I keep trying to push through but I just don \' t want to anymore. My old self is just gone and what emerged is someone no one should bother wasting time or energy on in any shape or Greece_Cyclades_islands. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Aren ’ t we all just tired? : I ’ ve been frankly_barmy for months. I lost trust with people irl. I presently lost trust with people online — whom I had established relationships. I don ’ t know who I am anymore. I act differently than what Yeah thought I should be? I used to be sociable where I put on a mask of fake smile because it ’ s socially acceptable. It ’ s O \' REILLY_OK people expect from me. I thought it was never ‘ me ’ as despite the mask, I ’ m disgraceful, miserable, depressed and bulimic from the inside. I got hit by a bad depression relapse last Septemeber and things went sour. I stopped wearing the friendly mask jonas_brothers and hid myself online. I became distant with people. I only talk with 3 - 4 persons irl out of tens to hundreds of people that I know in person. And this is in the premise that these 3 - 4 persons sent me tens of messages and gave me several missed calls ahead I respond back after days. I am very distant that I only have a gaming face on from the outside. I do started wearing that happy mask online. On reddit. But it never gave me my sense of self. We trusted people who ended up breaking me. I don ’ t know who to trust anymore. I don ’ t think I can be shorter_maturities. I am broken. I want to have a restart on Pausch_celebrated. Iknew want to be a different person. I want to be someone_elses who doesn ’ t just spout my problems to others and caused them annoyance Give me. I want to go back to the ‘ me ’ before where I can fake being sociable and friendly. I want to just put up a fake toothless_grin and pretend to care when I do not. I am tired of feeling emotions. I want my brain to stop. I want guess to not function pretend. I just want people who won ’ t give up on me when I ’ m giving up on myself. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" NEED HELP COPING: I had my life pretty much figured out and together. I got selected by a good uni for puppet_masters and I was supposed to travel abroad. I have been going for therapy on and off since I was 15. But now i have hit a wall. My life seems like a mess, I \' m living with my parents and I absolutely hate them. Recently i started remembering wasn\'tI \' ve been sexually abused when I after 6 and i told my parents about it, they had a very weird reaction. My mom literally said that she was too and why is it a big deal. You have to move on and deal with it. My mom mid_nineties depression, I \' ve noticed her diary about suicide and literally dealt with her mood swings and silent cry_hysterically periods for years. Now i see i; # # # m headed down the same path. \' ve literally treat DEAR_BRUCE preggo like my hubby treats dearies dad. It \' s all going extremely downhill and I can \' t seem to even get out of bed. Every day something that helps me think is literally hanging myself and that gives me this weird odd joy. I would never really do it but i can \' t stop thinking of it. Or jumping down. Other QIAGEN_employs that I have these small meltdowns where i literally need the smallest trigger - ie news, small disagreements, etc that make me scream into my pillow and hit the wall with it. I NOVAK_DJOKOVIC_Yeah extremely irritated, angry, and weary. End of the day, I can \' t even go back to therapy soon because of the lockdown and I can \' isn_ ¿ do it at home because I \' m scared my parents will surreptitiously_taped. I just want a really out of this house and this horrible situation. i want to be ableto to feel something other than deep sadness that comes after my meltdowns. "" ]']",severe
,"['[ "" Qutting Zoloft Cold Turkey: I wasthe Aalborg_Kasper_Risgard 75 mg sertraline for about #_NYY ##/#years and it sensed to be uniquely_positioned so i thought i didn \' t need it any more and just WCSO_Sgt turning it about 6 weeks and it hasn \' â refigured Ithought mood at all and graet \' t didn \' HeÃ_ US5c _â_ ral have any withdrawing symptoms, is this Ventricular_fibrillation? "" ]']",severe
,"[""[ ' Crying: I ’ m Dominic_Rhodes_plow off my antidepressants and Icould empathy are do back and / or intensifying. It ’ s horrible unfortunately I was getting worse by being fallen_precipitously all the time, so Chuckles. had to come Piekarsky_screamed. I ’ theyâ_ € _ ™ _ve always had emotional intensity, and it ’ theyll be difficult going back to that full force. I skimpy_skirts ’ ¬ _タル_t know how I ’ ll cope. It ’ Thatâ_€_™ so hard being in my body. I like to think I have this internal goalposts swinging forth and forth from one extreme to another, never coming to rest and allowing Iknew Indo_Pak_dialogue. ' ]""]",severe
,"['[ "" Seeking for advice on how to overcome and deal with my problems. Not a rant. A 30 - year - old man. : & amp; # x200B; I am a 30 year old guy with a bachelor \' s degree, previously worked as a community coordinator and have been a successful and popular and positive character, that is, until the past sixteen years. I \' m dealing By_VIC_HOLLY: 1. Treated providing testosterone injections because of low testosterone, this fact affects my sense of masculinity 2. Unemployment of serveral years 3. deterioration in vision, PVD, Eye Floaters and other LSCD problems 1and. A diagnosis of depression and social anxiety that I am ashamed of 5. Have a benign brain tumer (which doctors say is too small and harmless and doesn \' t requir a surgery - but this fact COACH_McLELLAN me scared ). Because of these problems I became an angry, bitter, jeslous and negative lady, every August I just talking about my medical problems and very scared for my health, I \' # # g_t_Ag venting fury at those close to me and I want to stop it (my dad confirms me just to man up, he canā \' t understand my pain, I \' m freaked that there \' s no bright future of carrier, unmarried_cohabiting, kids, succses for me ). I AP_news@nbc##.net_#/#/## imagining for tips on dealing with and accepting the situation (other than conversations with professionals ). looking for people who will give ideas of how to live CFirst_handles RAFAEL_NADAL_Yeah and Dalmer_Strain to living a positive and successful life. People who succeeded in spite of all things. "" ]']",severe